Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Colors. I’ll never understand what the big deal is. Everyone is so obsessed with them, so excited for the day they get to see them. Black, white, and shades of grey aren’t that terrible, though, and I really don’t mind seeing the world in them. It’s kind of a fun challenge, actually, noting the difference in shades and trying to figure out if it’s a shadow, a new color, or simply my eyes trying too hard.

My friends never understand me when I point out that it’s hard to miss something you’ve never had, claiming that this isn’t like that. They say that the world is so boring now, while we’re still stuck at this viewpoint. A couple of my friends can actually see the color by now, and they say it’s wonderful and beautiful, but I can’t imagine a life better than what I have now.

I’m trying to explain that to my best friend, Lincoln, for about the millionth time.

“What do you mean you can’t imagine a better life? You hate your life and you’re absolutely miserable,” he counters and I glare at the man.

I huff and flop back on my bed, which earns a groan from him. “I don’t hate my life. And who asked you, anyway? You’ve just momentarily been tricked into believing that life is mostly good because you’ve found her,” I explain easily, having expected needing to argue this to him tonight.

“Just because you haven’t met yours yet doesn’t mean that the whole soulmate setup is such a bad thing,” Lincoln replies patiently and I turn my head to stare at him blandly. He sighs and moves forward to crouch next to my head. I flinch when he reaches forward to push my hair away from my face gently but he just ignores me and moves on with what I’m sure is meant to be a comforting gesture. “Look, just come out with us tonight. It’ll be fun and if you do this for me, I won’t make you come to any more parties for the rest of the month.”

I sigh and think of denying it, making up some excuse to stay home that he’ll recognize as a lie but let go. But then I’ll be stuck here thinking about that sad, kicked puppy look he’ll give me and feeling guilty. “Fine. Go downstairs and give me five minutes to get ready,” I grunt, shoving him away and standing to go to my closet.

His face brightens and he jumps toward the door, throwing a bright grin back at me on the way. I sigh and shake my head, but I feel a small smile grow on my lips from his enthusiasm. I throw on some dress pants and a button down, both black I think, judging by how dark they are.

I roll up the sleeves of my shirt on my way downstairs and I roll my eyes at Lincoln’s vaguely disappointed look. “You can make me go out, but you can’t give me a dress code,” I comment and he shakes his head but seems to give up this battle.

“All I’m saying is that we’re going to a casual night in, not a funeral,” he replies and I release a chuckle. He leads me out of the house and to his car, apparently we’re going to his girlfriend’s place clear across town tonight instead of the almost comfortable choice of the house Lincoln and Nyko live in right across the street from the one I live in with Anya. Or the one to the right of us containing Aunt Indra and Uncle Gustus, though I suppose I understand why he wouldn’t want to introduce his soulmate to his parents already.

I fiddle with the radio on the drive, ignoring Lincoln’s requesting me to calm down and settle on a station. But it’s not like we’re even close to my usual station at this point so that’s not a real option. We don’t have enough time for me to flip through all the stations before we’re pulling up to a two story white house with a neatly trimmed lawn and bright shrubs under the windows. I take in the different shades of flowers lining the sidewalk while Lincoln leads me toward the door. I smile as I admire their persistence in growing these plants despite the fact that I’m sure none of them could see color before today.

Before I know it, Lincoln is on the porch and about to knock on the door but I’m still halfway down the sidewalk, bending over to take in the scent of a star flower with a small grin and closed eyes. I let the smell engulf me momentarily but I’m quickly interrupted by a voice.

“That’s my favorite, I think because my dad and I always talked about how cool it would be to live in the stars and this is as close as I can get,” a soft voice says and I jump at the sudden noise. I turn to the girl standing next to me and my breath hitches at how gorgeous she is. I don’t even need color to know that I could easily drown in her eyes or that her hair shines in a way that simply isn’t fair.

She watches me with a sheepish smile and I feel my breathing restart when I realize I haven’t responded. “They are gorgeous. I wouldn’t necessarily say my favorite, though,” I reply and her smile grows.

“Well, I guess I’ll have to figure out what that is someday, won’t I?” she questions and I’m not sure that what my heart is doing is healthy. Her husky voice paired with that challenging tone is not helping the problem, either.

“I suppose you will,” I comment nonchalantly, walking past the girl to the house, where Lincoln is standing with a girl who I have to assume is his soulmate, half watching me and I can’t tell if it’s in worry or curiosity. I glance back at the girl who is now standing with a look half wonder and half bafflement with a smirk and she returns the gesture, beginning to walk and catching up to me by the time I’m standing just inside the doorway and Lincoln starts talking.

“Lexa, this is Octavia, my soulmate,” he introduces and I raise an eyebrow at the excitable looking girl. She’s practically clinging to Lincoln and I don’t know if that’s because she’s just like that or if the excitement over the whole concept of being soulmates. I glance at Lincoln’s arm, wrapped tightly around her shoulder and his other hand holding hers by his hip, and I note he’s more touchy-feely than I’m used to seeing in his past relationships, too.

My gaze turns back to the girl I was talking too outside, who’s standing awkwardly next to me and I realize after looking between her and the other girl that they’re both waiting for me to say some kind of greeting. I shrug it off and walk further into the house, towards the voices that seem to be arguing loudly over something. Octavia huffs and mutters something to Lincoln behind me and I barely catch his soft response. “She’s just having a rough week, I promise she’ll warm up to you.”

I sigh at his understatement but stop my barking reply of my rough time lasting much longer than this week. It’s not his fault and he’s just trying to help, but that doesn’t mean I’m going to give his girlfriend my instant approval. I make it into the living room and I lean against the doorframe as I watch three boys and a girl, all with dark hair, throw insults at each other while they play Mario Kart. The boy with goggles on his head jumps up in excitement as he nears the finish line but the girl laughs and yells “suck on that!” as a blue shell flies up and hits him seconds before he wins. I almost smile at the shell because, despite my not caring about colors, it’s nice to have this game and it’s color based shell names in order to put a name to a few of the shades of grey we see.

The game ends with the tallest of the boys pouting in his chair over coming in fifth place, while the other two argue with the girl that her win was a cheat. Movement in my peripheral vision catches my attention and I glance over to see the light haired girl come into the room followed by Lincoln and Octavia.

“Guys! Lincoln and Lexa are here!” Octavia announces and the bickering stops instantly as they look over to where we’re standing. I don’t straighten up from my position on the doorframe and the dark haired girl smirks at me.

“Wow, badass friend,” she comments sarcastically and I roll my eyes.

“Wow, mature friend,” I bite back, holding her gaze as she lets out a laugh and stands up to go over and wrap her arm around Octavia. I can’t help but glance down and notice her brace as she limps over, but I quickly return my stare to meet hers.

“You couldn’t have soulmated with someone with nicer friends?” she asks and I sigh and push up from the wall.

I go over to the girl, and hold out my hand with an exaggerated, “Hello, I’m Lexa Woods. It’s a pleasure to meet you!” She takes my hand in hers with a laugh and I shake firmly before quickly retreating from the contact.

“Raven,” the girl replies and I nod, backing away to resume my previous position in the doorway, ready to flee at a moment’s notice.

“I’m Bellamy, Octavia’s brother,” the boy who was pouting earlier says. “And don’t mind Raven, she’s a smartass. These guys are Jasper and Monty and that’s Clarke over there.” I nod my acknowledgment at all of them and do my best not to glance over at Clarke. It doesn’t even make sense, but knowing her name just makes my attraction to her grow and I don’t need that right now.

I look around the room as everyone settles, noting the second couch across from the one Raven, Jasper, and Monty are on and another oversize chair next to Bellamy’s. Octavia and Lincoln opt for taking the second chair, with Octavia practically on Lincoln’s lap, and Clarke sits on one end of the second couch. I look at the pictures on the walls, seeing pictures of the whole group, either all together or in various pairing, and my gaze falls on one picture in particular of what appears to be a young Clarke, Octavia, and Bellamy with an older couple that must be Clarke’s parents judging by the lighter hair.

I look away from that quickly though, feeling like I’m intruding somehow, and look at the art hanging around the room. It’s much nicer to look at than art usually is, almost as if it was meant to be viewed like this instead of the colors most artists love.

Lincoln interrupts my admiration of the art, “Lexa, why don’t you sit down? You can hardly interact perched in the doorway.”

“Maybe that’s the point?” I question, but I instantly regret it. I don’t mean to be actively rude to people, but my filter sometimes takes breaks and I always hate it. I slink over to the couch and take a seat on the furthest end from Clarke, not needing a close
proximity to make me regret this even more.

They fall into easy conversation, seeming to be perfectly happy to let me be excluded, although I notice a few ins they give me before moving on after a moment of me not taking them. I’m fine sitting stiffly here and waiting for Lincoln to decide it’s time to leave.

I zone out of the conversation eventually, feeling myself sink further into my own head the longer I’m around these people. It’s exhausting enough being out of my own house today and Clarke isn’t exactly helping with her sitting there and being all pretty and distracting.

“Lexa? Is that short for something?” the blonde questions next to me and I stiffen even further than I already had, turning to look at her with a raised eyebrow.

After it’s clear that I’m not responding, Lincoln steps in with a sigh and a disappointed look thrown at me. “It’s short for Alexandria. Don’t ever call her that, though, she could kill you with her bare hands if you provoked it.”

“Alexandria,” she murmurs, as if she testing the feel of it. All of the sudden, the world floods with colors and it takes everything in me to not cringe from the overload. I take a deep breath and hold it in and the color of her eyes is the first thing I notice. I wasn’t wrong when I thought I could drown in them earlier, but the feeling is intensified now that the light color pops out at me and I see the hint of the gray I’m so familiar with and it puts me at ease.

I look slowly around and let the colors of the room wash over me while trying really hard not to outwardly react. I don’t know the names of any colors yet, but I suddenly understand the hype. I look at a painting across the room and I decide right then that I don’t know why I ever thought life was better before now.

“So why can’t we call you Alexandria?” Jasper asks curiously and I almost laugh when Monty jabs him in the side.

“She’s afraid of meeting her soulmate,” Lincoln explains, shooting me a look. I almost scold him, he knows I don’t like talking about that particular aspect of myself to strangers, but I leave it. Right then, nothing that was wrong before coming here matters. All that I care about is that suddenly the world is more than grey and I just need a few minutes to take it in.

“Why?” Clarke questions and I glance over at her, suddenly realizing that she’s my soulmate. My brain is overloaded suddenly by that information and I sigh in relief when my phone starts vibrating in my pocket. I can’t be near Clarke any longer so I stand up, barely uttering an ‘excuse me’ before I slip out of the room and then the house.

“Anya,” I say, answering the call when I’m on the front porch. My gaze is drawn to the flowers by the sidewalk and I can’t tear my eyes away. The color of the flower reminds me of Clarke’s eyes and it might be my favorite color.

“Hey, Lexie. Where are you? I just got home and I didn’t have my favorite sister here to greet me,” she says and I smile. She’s being sarcastic but I know she’s missed me as much as I’ve missed her while she was on her week long business trip.

I sigh into the phone and find myself gravitating off the porch and towards a particularly beautiful flower. “Lincoln dragged me to his soulmate’s house so I could meet her and her friends. Will you please come save me? There’s something I really need to talk to you about.”

She must notice the urgency in my tone because she drops any hint of joking when she replies. “Of course. Text me the address and I’ll be right there. You can tell Lincoln and his friends that I just got home and am insisting you and I spend quality time together right now if you want.”

I smile at her concern and nod even though she can’t see it. “Thank you. Text when you get here.”

“Will do.”

She hangs up and I text her the address quickly and give the flower one last, lingering look before I go back inside. I walk into the living room slowly and sit on the edge of the couch where I was before.

“Anya just got back to town and she’d really like to spend some quality time together so I’m afraid I’m going to have to cut this short and leave soon,” I explain when everyone looks at me with puzzled expressions.

“Is Anya your girlfriend?” Clarke asks with a hint of disappointment in her voice and I shake my head but refuse to look at her. I can’t do the whole soulmate thing right now.

“She’s my sister.”

Lincoln looks at me curiously, knowing that Anya would never let me leave early from a social gathering unless it was really getting to be too much for me. He must be wondering if I’m barely containing a panic attack or if I just lied about who called. “She could join us,” he offers and I softly shake my head.

“Linc, it’s fine. You’ve mentioned before that Anya’s been gone for a week. Let the sisters have some family time,” Bellamy interjects, glancing between the two of us with a cautious expression. “I know I’d want to hang out with O and Clarke just the three of us if we were separated for that long.”

“Seriously, Bell? And here I thought I was basically part of the family,” Raven jokes, causing the others to laugh. I quirk an eyebrow at the boy, wondering why he included Clarke. He didn’t introduce her as his sister but he’s acting like she is now. My phone vibrates with a text and I sigh my relief when I see Anya’s waiting out front.

“It was nice meeting you, Lexa,” Clarke calls, followed by a chorus of similar sentiments from the others, I nod and wave on my way out, darting to the passenger seat of the car as soon as they can no longer see me.
“What’s up?” Anya asks, reaching across the consul to give me a hug before starting the drive back home.

“I’ve missed you,” I say instead of answering and she growls at the deflection but I see her smile when she glances over at me. “I think I should wait until you aren’t driving a several thousand pound metal deathtrap that could kill us with one wrong move.”

Anya laughs and shakes her head but allows me to divert the conversation to casual catching up about our weeks. When we get home and enter our living room, though, I can’t avoid the subject any longer.

“I see colors.” Anya freezes at the news and I can’t look directly at her.

“I don’t know what to say. I won’t apologize, but I know you so I understand why you’re freaking out. Who is she?” she questions and I look back at her, grateful for her understanding.

“One of Octavia’s friends, Clarke,” I reply and the way her name slips off my tongue feels like more than it is. Like saying her name could cure cancer or bring peace to the world or even just get rid of my fear of letting Clarke in. But then I process how nice it felt and I’m terrified because there is no way a relationship with Clarke could possibly happen right now.

Anya watches me and comes over to wrap me in a hug when my face turns scared again. She rubs my back comfortingly and I don’t even think about trying to squirm away, accepting the comfort and sinking further into her embrace. She moves us to the couch and sits down with me curled into her side, sitting in silence for a few minutes. “It’s okay to try, Lexa. You two are literally made for each other. I know it’s scary. I know Costia made you think it’s not okay to love someone. I know you’ve been broken since she left, but you have to give Clarke a chance to prove you wrong.”

I tense in her grip and pull away, swiping away the tears that the mention of Costia brought to my eyes. “I don’t have to. I don’t owe her anything. I can just pretend this never happened and never speak to her again.” Anya sighs and watches me carefully, as if she’s not sure what I’m going to do next. She raises an eyebrow expectantly and I hang my head, mumbling, “I can’t drag her into this. She doesn’t deserve to be forced to be with me. She shouldn’t be forced to love me just because the universe says so.”

I watch a tear fall onto my hand as I no longer have the energy to wipe my eyes. Anya reaches over and holds my hand in her own, sitting like that in silence for a moment.

“At least get to know her. Promise me you’ll give her the chance to get to know you and make that decision herself.” Anya pauses as she waits for me to nod, which I do eventually. “Alright. Now let’s get you to bed. We’ve both had long days and I’m planning on making the most of tomorrow since my ass of a boss let me have it off.”

I chuckle as I let my sister pull me up from the couch and lead me upstairs. We get to my room and I cringe when I see that my comforter is the exact same shade of grey as the flecks in Clarke’s eyes. Anya notices and offers to trade me, but I shake my head. Despite my terror, I already feel the need to be closer to my soulmate and the blanket might help with that feeling.

Chapter Text

The next morning, I wake up to hushed voices right outside my room. I keep my eyes closed and don’t move, hoping to hear what they’re saying. Sure, I might just be acting like a narcissist but I can’t help but feel like it’s about me and the colors. I recognize Anya and Lincoln’s voices, but they’re too quiet for me to hear distinctly. I open my eyes just enough to see that the door is closed, so I stand up as quietly as I can and walk over.

They stop talking the second I’m close enough to understand them. Of course. I just barely manage to avoid the door as it swings inward and Anya walks in. She looks surprised to see me up, but I don’t buy it.

“What? Secret meetings without me now? I think that might count as treason,” I joke, glancing between my friends nervously. I never noticed before how dark my room is, not literally like there’s barely any light, but all dark colors. My furniture is all made of the same dark wood and the walls are white, and I don’t have many personal decorations. “What color is that lamp?”

I look to my best friend, asking him instead of Anya, who still hasn’t met her soulmate. I feel bad that she’s the oldest of the three of us yet she’s the one who is still seeing in black and white. “Blue,” he replies and I nod.

We spend the next several minutes going through different colors until Lincoln and Anya decide it’s time to talk about more serious matters. “When were you going to talk to Clarke again?” Lincoln asks.

“I don’t know. Anya promised me a day full of hanging out today, though, so maybe tomorrow,” I say, hoping that’s enough for them.

I almost don’t believe it when Anya agrees. “Come on, let’s go get some breakfast and get this day started.”

We get to the café and I turn on Anya almost immediately. “I trusted you!” I hiss. I contemplate running out of the café, but we’ve been spotted before I can make any real attempts.

“Hey, Lexa. And this must be Anya?” Clarke’s voice breaks through my thoughts and I feel myself deflate. I turn around to see her get up from the table and walk towards us and paste on my normal stoic expression, after giving Anya one last glare of course.

“Hi there, Sky Princess,” I comment, and I scowl at Anya when she laughs at the nickname. Clarke just smiles and goes with it, though, not even questioning it for a second. “Yeah, this is my dumb sister, Anya. It’s a pleasant surprise to see you here.”

Clarke’s eyes widen fractionally and she glances between Anya and her friends that are waiting for us at the table. I see Lincoln sitting with Octavia and he directs a nervous smile at me and I simply shake my head and frown at the man, determined to pay him back for this later. Clarke turns back to us, though, I instantly slip back to my neutral expression.

“I’m sorry, Lincoln said you guys were joining us for breakfast today. Did he not tell you?” Clarke asks, clearly nervous about intruding on our sibling bonding time. I wonder what he told them in order to get them here, but I know now that there’s no way I’m getting out of this.

I sigh and shake my head. “It’s fine. I just wasn’t expecting this is all. Let’s go join the others,” I suggest, gesturing to the table everyone (meaning Jasper, Monty, Lincoln, and Octavia) is sitting at and following Clarke as she begins to lead the way over. I notice the only empty seat is the one next to Clarke’s and I make sure to glare at Anya as I take my assigned seat, hoping to make sure she knows she won’t get away with this.

“So, Anya, what business are you in?” Clarke asks after sharing a glance with Octavia who shakes her head, as if they’re trying to figure out what’s going on here. I sigh when I think about Lincoln and Anya dragging these innocent girls into their convoluted scheme to get me laid.

“I work with Lincoln and Lexa, actually. Lexa just bought a new gym but she didn’t have the time to go oversee its opening so she had me go,” Anya explains and I nod, realizing I forgot to ever even ask her about that. I was so busy worrying about seeing colors and wondering how Anya had been over the past week I forgot why she left. I look over at Anya with a raised eyebrow and she shakes her head. “We can talk later, but it went well.”

I nod and relax in my seat a bit. “The employees will work? I know I thought they’d be fine, but I can’t oversee them as much as I’d like.”

Lincoln laughs but I watch Anya, waiting for something to give away that she thinks this will go down in flames. “Commander, I’m sure Ahn would’ve already told you if there were problems.”

I sigh and nod, letting the subject drop for now. “So, Octavia, you met Lincoln at our gym?” I question, wondering if I could get them talking so whatever plans my sister and best friend have for me can’t grow to their full potential.

“Yeah. I came in for a kickboxing class the other day because I heard that place is great and he was my instructor,” Octavia explains, smiling as she does. I smile for them, happy that they’re so good together. I notice Jasper fake a gag and Monty stifle a laugh before they go back to the quiet conversation they’ve been having on their own this whole time.

“So, Clarke, have you met your soulmate yet?” Anya asks with a mischievous look on her face. I frown at my sister, but turn to look at Clarke anyway. After all, maybe she has and I’m not her soulmate even though she’s mine. It’s rare, but it happens.

Clarke sighs and reaches forward to stir her lemonade with her straw. “Not yet, unfortunately.” She seems to deflate and I glance at Octavia, who’s watching her with pity. My gaze turns on Lincoln, hoping he has the answers I’m looking for.

I look back at Clarke, who still seems slightly upset but she’s hiding it well. “You know, not knowing your soulmate isn’t the end of the world. You’ll find him someday,” I say, and when Anya mocks me for it later, I’ll deny that I specifically said him to see if Clarke would argue the pronoun.

Clarke smiles and nods, “I suppose you’re right. Although I wouldn’t assume it’s a man. I’m bi.” I ignore the fluttering in my chest when I learn that information and I keep my gaze on Clarke, searching for answers about that pain still residing in her eyes.

“Why Commander?” Octavia questions after clearing her throat, causing me to drag my eyes away from Clarke’s.

Anya chuckles and answers for me. “My baby sister over there really liked to pretend she was a warlord and we were her soldiers when we were little so we started calling her ‘Commander’ and it stuck.”

“Plus, she’s an excellent boss at Grounders,” Lincoln tacks on, as if he actually cares to make the nickname a tad less embarrassing for me.

“So you own gyms?” Clarke asks, leaning forward to catch my attention. I nod and look over, distracted again by the blue in her eyes.

“A couple, yeah,” I answer shortly, not caring to let the conversation stay on me. “Anyway, that’s enough about me. What do you do?”

“She’s an amazing artist,” Octavia inputs and Clarke flushes and looks to her friend with a glare.

I look at Clarke, wondering why she’s upset that Octavia shared that information. “Really? I’d love to see your work sometime, Sky Princess.” She looks back to me and her blush deepens, and I’m almost glad she’s given me the ability to see color because that shade of pink is adorable on her.

Jasper perks up at that request, leaning forward in his seat to join our conversation. “You have. Remember those paintings yesterday? They were all Clarke’s.”

“Jasper!” she hisses and I guess she’s kicked him under the table judging by his yelp and glare directed at the blonde next to me. “Ignore them. I’m not that great. They’re just the super supportive kind of friends.”

I think back to the paintings yesterday and furrow my brows at Clarke’s embarrassment. “What are you talking about? Those paintings are amazing.”

Clarke dips her head and Octavia’s look of pity returns. “Yeah, well I can only do so much without the ability to see color.” Her voice is quiet and I feel a twinge in my heart for her. I almost say her name right there, so she won’t hurt like that anymore. But being stuck with me would hurt even more so I remain silent.

I glance at Anya, hoping for an out that isn’t going to come. When she ignores me, I stand up swiftly. “Excuse me, I’ll be right back.” I’m barely able to get the words through the tightness in my throat and I feel my next breath catch on its way down. I walk to the bathroom as slowly as I can manage, trying not to draw attention to the panic attack ready to overtake me. I get there and I immediately lock myself in a stall, wishing the door had a lock so I didn’t have to resort to this.

I slide down the stall’s door so I’m crouching with my knees hugged to my chest. My breath comes in short gasps and I feel tears threatening to fall. I try to focus on my breathing, force my way through this panic attack before it can become full-fledged. I have no clue how long I’m in there, making absolutely no progress, before I hear the door open.

“Lexa?” I curse under my breath that it’s Clarke’s voice and I remain absolutely still, holding my breath even, in the hopes that she won’t find me and she’ll leave. She takes a few steps in and the door closes behind her. “I know you’re in here. Just tell me you’re okay and I’ll go.”

“I’m fine.” It comes out ragged and not at all believable but I hope it’s good enough for her. I hear her steps getting closer to me before she stops right outside my stall. My breathing is too loud.

“Lex. Will you let me help?” she asks and I don’t respond. She starts counting as I should be breathing in and out and I’m slowly able to match her count. Eventually, my breathing is back as it should be, but I can’t bring myself to face Clarke. I’ve already shown her too much weakness, I can’t even imagine actually going out and seeing her now.

“Can you get Anya, please?” I question, my voice quivering and giving away the fact that I’m still crying.

Clarke takes a few steps back, and I stand slowly. “Sure.” I wait for the door to close behind her, then I leave my stall and go stand in front of the mirror. I notice my makeup has run, so I try to wash it off the best I can before Anya comes in.

The door opens and I glance over long enough to see my sister entering, then I direct my attention back to wiping away makeup. “I want to go home,” I comment dryly.

“Of course, come on.” Anya comes over and wraps her arm around my shoulder, holding me against her side. We leave the bathroom together, but I tense when I hear Jasper calling over to us to ask what’s up. “You go on outside. I’ll go tell the others we’re leaving and meet you at the car, okay?”

I nod and duck my head on my way out of the restaurant, only hoping to get out without further incidents. I hear Anya make up some excuse about me feeling sick all the sudden and needing to get home, but I’m out the door before I can hear any responses. I get to Anya’s car and pause by the door, thinking I may be better off jogging home and working off some of my nervous energy. But then I also mostly just need to crawl into bed and watch some shitty movies and sleep.

Anya makes the decision for me when she walks outside and sees me standing there. “Get in.” I do as I’m told and slide into her vehicle. She goes around to her side and starts the car and we’re halfway home when she speaks again. “I’m sorry I did that. I should have known better. Just understand that I genuinely thought being around her would be good for you. We thought you’d be awkward for a minute then get over it and maybe she’d be able to help bring back the Lexa you were before Costia.”

“Please stop talking about her,” I mutter, keeping my gaze trained out the window. Anya sighs but she doesn’t bring her up again. Although, that’s probably mostly because we make it back to the house with neither of us speaking again. Her hand is resting on the handle for her door but I speak before she can get it opened.

“There is no saving her. Either way I’m the bad guy in her story. I can say her name and make her spend the rest of her life knowing I’m the one who ruined soulmates for her. Or I can keep it to myself and she will forever be that sad girl who just wants to be an artist even though she can’t see color. I can’t win,” I say, not looking at Anya as I speak. I stare out the windshield, watching a squirrel run around the roof over the porch and flick its tail around wildly.

“You aren’t the bad guy in any story but your own,” Anya murmurs and I scoff and shake my head. She tries to argue but I’m out of the car and in the house before she even gets a word out.

I go straight to my room, shutting the door behind me so Anya knows she’s not welcome to join me. I fall into bed and just lay there, staring at the wall for a few hours before I can even gather the energy to pull out my laptop and start Netflix.

A few movies later, there’s a knock on my door. I pause my movie and glance at the door. “Go away, Anya,” I call after the second knock. I hit play again and focus on the screen, sure Anya will actually listen to me soon enough.

“It’s not Anya.”

I sigh, pausing again and sitting up. “Come in.” Clarke enters the room, her eyes darting around to take it in before settling on me. “What are you doing here?”

Clarke’s shoulders fall and she shrugs half-heartedly. “I was worried. I get it if you want me to leave, god knows I wouldn’t want to face someone who helped me through a panic attack so soon. But I thought you might be hungry so I brought food.” She holds
up a takeout bag and I nod. She comes toward me tentatively, holding it out for me to take. I reach out and take it, only to put it on my nightstand without even looking inside.

“Thank you,” I offer when her face falls at my apparent distaste. “Did you see my sister when you came in?” I don’t know why I asked, she obviously did.

Clarke nods and tilts her head a bit to the right. “Yeah, she told me to tell you she’s heading out for a bit. I think she said she’s getting dinner with Indra and Gustus?” I nod and stand up, groaning just a bit when I stretch out my muscles that have grown sore from being still for so long.

“Come on, then. Did you get enough for both of us?” I ask, grabbing the food and leading Clarke out of my bedroom and back down the stairs.

“Probably,” she says with a laugh. “I had no clue what you like, so I got a bunch of different options.” I chuckle and glance back at her blush as I go into the kitchen.

“I’m pretty not picky. Thanks for trying so hard though, it’s cute.” I don’t know how I let that slip out, but I refuse to look at Clarke as I get plates and silverware out, using the cupboard door to hide my flushed face.

Once we start eating, we fall into easy conversation where we learn nothing about each other and I’m absolutely fine with that. It feels like it’s been years since I had a panic attack over this girl, and it feels silly to think about the fact that it happened at all, let alone earlier today. Eventually, the food is gone, we’re stuffed, and we drift into the living room to watch Disney movies.

We’re in the middle of Lilo and Stitch when Clarke turns to me in shock. “How have you never seen My Neighbor Totoro? Did you even have a childhood?”

I let out another laugh, which is something I think I’ve done more tonight than the entire past year. “What? Is that some childhood requirement? You don’t pass unless you’ve seen that movie?”

“Yes! Oh my god! Have you even heard of Studio Ghibli?” she questions accusingly. When I shake my head, she gasps exaggeratedly and throws a hand over her heart. “Well, I hope you don’t have any plans for next Saturday, because we need to rectify this situation.”

I laugh again and shake my head, reaching over to shove the girl jokingly. “You’re an idiot. But no, I have weekends off.” She nods and smiles widely at me.

“I’m so glad you met me, otherwise your life would continue to be nothing but this sad existence with no Ghibli.”

This time, my laugh is interrupted by the front door opening and Anya coming in. I tense when she stops in the doorway, staring at me in shock. She moves on quickly, though, not even saying anything to either of us.

“I guess I should get going,” Clarke says quietly and when I look back to her, she’s checking the time on her phone. My eyes widen when I see it’s nearly midnight and Clarke has been here for several hours.

I don’t want her to go, not ready to let go of the simplicity of this just yet. “Are you sure? It’s a bit late to be out driving, you’re more than welcome to spend the night if you want,” I offer, watching for any sign that I’ve gone too far.

She turns to me with a smirk and a raised eyebrow though, wiping that doubt out of my head immediately. “You’re not getting in my pants that easy, Woods.”

My eyes widen and I shake my head. “That’s not what I meant and you know it, jerk.”

She lets out the most glorious of laughs and stands up. “I know, but that reaction was worth it. I really should be going, though. O and Raven are probably worried that I’ve been gone so long anyway.”

I sigh dejectedly and stand to walk Clarke to her car. We get outside and I stand at her door for a minute after she gets in, not letting her close it just yet. “Text when you get home, okay Sky Princess?” I request after she’s buckled in and looking up at me expectantly.

“Of course, Commander,” she responds with a small grin. I nod and step back to close the door, ignoring the way her use of my nickname makes me feel. I watch her drive away, watching her taillights fade until I can’t see them anymore before going back inside.

Anya’s waiting for me when I go to the kitchen to make myself a cup of tea before bed. She’s leaning against the counter with a steaming mug extended toward me almost like a peace offering. “I haven’t seen you laugh like that in years.”

“That’s because you are not funny. And Clarke feels like she could be a good friend, you know, if I don’t let myself think about the fact that we’re supposed to be soulmates,” I state, taking the offered mug and taking a sip. I cringe when it’s too hot and burns my mouth but go in for a second sip less than a minute later anyway.

Anya watches me with a hint of a smile on her lips before nodding. “I know you don’t need me to say this, but don’t give her up. It makes me happy to see you happy.”

I stand in the kitchen, contemplating her words while I finish my tea and wash the mug. When I go to bed, it’s with the knowledge that I’m not going to let myself be Clarke’s bad guy.

Chapter Text

That Saturday, after a week of texting, Clarke lives up to her promise and is ringing my doorbell at 8 in the morning. I’m just getting out of the shower after my morning run when Clarke arrives. By the time I finish getting dressed, Clarke’s ringing the doorbell a second time. “No! Let me sleep!” Anya yells from her room and I chuckle as I move toward the front door.

“I brought breakfast!” Clarke greets, holding up a box of doughnuts and two cups of coffee. I smile and take the coffee, helping ease her load so she’s not struggling so much as she walks past me to the living room with the doughnuts and movies. “What, did I just miss you showering?” She glances over her shoulder at the towel still wrapped around my head.

“You actually caught the very end of it, which was why I took forever to come to the door,” I reply, reaching up to remove the towel while I swing the door shut. I sling it over a chair as I pass one.

“You’re coming to the gym sometime,” I comment as I trail after Clarke. “Don’t get me wrong, you have a great body. But if you consider doughnuts a good breakfast, you should really come to the gym.”

Clarke grins slyly over her shoulder at me. “You just want to show off your muscles.”

I shake my head but find myself grinning. “Or I want an opportunity to see you all hot and sweaty.” At that, Clarke seems to lose any capability to retort and returns to picking a disc to put in the DVD player. I smile at my victory and lean back in the couch with my coffee cradled to my chest.

Clarke gets me back, though, when she sits close enough that we’re almost touching. I adapt to it quickly, and before I know it I find my knee falling toward her enough to gently knock against hers then stay pressed against her.

We only make it through one movie before Clarke decides talking is more important than making up for my apparent lack of a childhood. She starts fidgeting in her seat shortly after we switch from Totoro to Spirited Away but I don’t acknowledge it, curious how long it’ll take before she speaks up. I keep my gaze trained on the movie even as she fully turns to face me, her knee still touching my own but her shoulder drawing away from mine, with her eyebrows raised in a silent question. Eventually she grows tired of the fact that I don’t turn to look at her, only stealing glances out of the corner of my eye, and she lets out a huff. I feel a small grin force its way onto my face at the noise, but it’s wiped off the second she speaks.

“Why don’t you want to meet your soulmate?” she questions and I release a heavy sigh. I feel more than see when Clarke deflates at how long it’s taking me to answer, her warmth moving away from me fractionally.

“Why do you want to know?” I counter, hesitant to open up so quickly. The fact that she got any kind of response out of me seems to renew her hope, and she straightens up on the couch. She scoots further away from me so she can bring her legs up and sit with them crossed in front of herself as she watches me. I find myself upset when I almost whine at the complete loss of contact, realizing that’s not how friends act. Or, at the very least, that’s not how I normally act with my friends. Judging by what I’ve seen of Clarke with her friends, she seems to have no sense of personal space and has enjoys having physical contact with other people when she can. I chalk up the reaction to wanting to keep her comfortable, refusing to entertain the idea that being her soulmate is affecting me more than I’d like.

Clarke pauses and seems to think about her answer, I notice her head tilting to the side and her brows furrow as she thinks it over. “I’ve been curious since Lincoln made that comment and you didn’t disagree with him. And now I thought we were close enough that I could ask without seeming overly nosy.”

“When I was ten, my dad left us. He had his soulmate and two kids, but that wasn’t enough and he left. Anya dealt with it, and she still believes that he was an exception to the rule. I think that he’s the reason my mom killed herself and proof that the whole concept of soulmates is bullshit,” I explain, not looking away from the movie as if I’m actually paying attention at this point. “So years later I moved on, I got a nice girlfriend and we were happy together. She said she thought the soulmate thing was dumb too. Then she met hers and broke up with me. She claimed I was nothing more than a placeholder until she met the real deal.” I hear Anya moving around in her room, finally getting up. “So no, I don’t believe that soulmates are the greatest things ever. And I’m not willing to try and give myself to the idea because I don’t want to be stomped on by the universe again.”

Clarke’s breathe catches in her throat and I can practically feel her sadness and pity when she releases it. “I’m sorry. That’s really shitty.”

Anya walks into the room with a grumble and steals a doughnut. Clarke finally looks back at the TV and the conversation is dropped. The longer Anya perches on the arm of the couch, half watching the movie with us, the more I wonder why I even said any of that. I’ve never talked about it before, not even speaking much of it to Anya or Lincoln, and yet here I am spilling my guts to a person who’s essentially a stranger.

Eventually, Anya leaves to go in for her shift at the gym. The tension between Clarke and I feels like it’s suffocating me until she finally speaks again. “I think you’re wrong.”

“What?” I ask, shocked.

“I think your dad was a dick and your ex was a bitch. And I’m not sure the universe is always fair with assigning the soulmates, after all we’re both nice people who should have met ours by now. But I think it’s overall a nice concept and one day you’re going to meet yours and she’s going to prove you wrong.”

I find myself nodding, a small smile on my face. “Maybe you’re right.” Maybe you already are.

The rest of the day is easy after that. We pause around 1 to stretch our legs and get food. I suggest a nice Italian restaurant a short distance from the house and Clarke agrees whole-heartedly to breaking long enough to walk there and eat.

“So, you think my life isn’t complete because I haven’t seen these movies, but you’re already bored after three?” I question jokingly when we leave the house.

Clarke scoff and shakes her head. “I am not bored. I’m hungry,” she states and I laugh but let her have it. “Plus, I could tell you were getting restless. Did you know your leg bounces a lot when you’re bored?”

I gasp and cover my mouth with my hand. “I am not bored! How dare you say that!” I mock, drawing a laugh from the blonde. “Anyway, yeah. It also does that when I’m anxious or stressed. I’m sure you have a few nervous ticks yourself C… Sky Princess.” I stutter over Clarke’s name, barely stopping myself before it slips out. Clarke doesn’t seem to notice, she looks deep in thought when I look at her.

“I don’t know. Maybe you can tell me sometime what my tick is,” she replies and I feel personally attacked by how flirty she makes such a simple statement sound.

“I suppose I could. Just as soon as I can get you nervous,” I say, watching as a blush rises on her face and she runs a hand through her hair. “There it is! You run your hand through your hair. Damn, you make this too easy.” We get to the restaurant and I hold the door open for Clarke to go through first with her light laughter trailing behind her.

“Alright, you picked the food last week, now it’s my turn. Go take a seat and I am going to order for us,” I instruct ushering the blonde further in the restaurant and waving off the waiter trying to hand us menus. Clarke raises an eyebrow at me, but I just smile slyly and put my hands on my hips as I wait. She laughs at my feign impatience but walks away with a slow shake of her head.

I go toward the back, spotting Roan, Gustus, and Niylah talking near the doors to the kitchen. On my way over to them, I grab another waiter that I don’t recognize and instruct him to get Clarke something to drink while I’m with my uncle and cousins. “If you make a big deal of this I’ll never speak to any of you again, but I brought a friend here with me so I expect the best today, ok?” I command in a hushed voice as soon as I reach the three, eying Gustus especially, knowing he sometimes likes to “mix up” orders so I end up with something gross.

“Oh? A special friend?” Roan asks suggestively and I don’t hesitate to slug him in the shoulder.

“No. We’re just friends and I would like to remain her friend, so please behave,” I request and I glance to where she’s sitting, noting that it’s in Niylah’s serving area. The woman follows my gaze and her brows lift in surprise.

“Ok. She’s hot. I promise I’ll be on my best behavior,” she smirks and I feel myself bristling. I tell myself it’s because she and Roan have a nasty habit of making bets to see who can bed the most women in a week and Clarke deserves more than that. I don’t even let myself think about the fact that it’s more because I’m jealous and don’t want her flirting with my soulmate.

“No. You will actually behave and you will not flirt with her and scare her away,” I growl, turning on my heel and stalking away after that. Clarke’s looking at something on her phone with a hint of a smile on her face and I feel myself loosening up as I walk toward her.

The blonde looks up at me when I sit across from her and the hint of a smile grows to a full-fledged grin when she shoves her phone across the table at me. “Look at that puppy! One of Raven’s coworkers brought him with her to work today and he’s just the cutest thing ever!”

“I wouldn’t go that far,” I comment, looking at the husky puppy displayed on her screen. “He is pretty adorable though.”

Clarke sighs happily and takes her phone back, sliding into her pocket and looking at me curiously. “So what is this place?” I raise an eyebrow at the question, unsure of how to answer. “I mean, you see to know your way around and you don’t seem like the type of person to eat out every night. So what, do you secretly own this restaurant too? Recommend clients eat here after working out at your gym?”

I chuckle at the idea and shake my head at the perplexed girl. “No, my uncle Gustus owns this place. I was a waitress here while I was in high school, actually, and now one of my cousins is a chef here and another will be serving us today.”

“Really? I can’t imagine working for my mom, we’d be butting heads constantly and never get anything done,” she comments and I laugh.

“They aren’t his kids, actually. They’re my aunt Nia’s but after she died a few years ago, they moved here to be closer to what family they had left,” I explain and Clarke nods, her laughter fading but a comforting smile staying behind. “It’s fine, I was never close to Nia, and neither were her kids. Sure, they were sad when she died, but she was never a great mother.”

We fall into a comfortable silence until Niylah comes over carrying our food. “You know, if I were the one on a date with such an attractive woman, I would come prepared with conversation topics,” she jokes, setting out plates down in front of us.

Clarke smirks and raises an eyebrow at me and I scowl at my cousin. “I hate you, do you realize that, Niylah? You are the worst.” She scoffs and I turn back to Clarke with my scowl still in place. “I told her it’s not a date. The more of my family you meet, though, the more you’ll realize that I’m probably adopted.”

Niylah laughs and leans toward Clarke, lowering her voice as she does. “Don’t listen to Commander Grumpy. I can be a lot of fun.” I tense at my cousin’s blatant flirting and Clarke’s responding giggle. Niylah glances back at me with a small grin, but it quickly drops when she sees I’m not playing along. She straightens quickly and nods respectfully at me. “Well, I’ll let you guys get on with your lunch. See you later, Lex, Blondie.”

Clarke’s eyes fall on her food then glance up at me with a question clear on her face. “It’s chicken saltimbocca,” I inform her, waiting for her to take a bite before cutting into my own. I can’t help but blush at the small moan she lets out when the food hits her tongue, my mind immediately going places it definitely shouldn’t be. I distract myself with the dish in front of myself, tearing my eyes away from the blonde and ducking my head to hide my flushed face.

“This is amazing. Make sure to tell your uncle that he is a good man,” Clarke says after swallowing and I glance up, smiling with pride for my family.

We eat in silence, aside from Clarke’s occasional noises of contentment. Around an hour later, we begin our walk back to my house. We get back and watch a few more movies before Clarke gets bored and suggests an adventure.

“It’s 9 at night, what kind of adventure are you proposing?” I question, following Clarke out to her car anyway. I notice Anya’s car parked beside Clarke’s in the driveway and realize for the first time that I haven’t seen her since she left for work this morning. I assume she went to hang out with Lincoln and I’m grateful to her for not coming in and trying to force anything.

I slide into the passenger seat of Clarke’s car and raise an eyebrow at her when she still doesn’t answer my question. She starts the car with a confident smirk and I shake my head, smiling all the while.

A few hours and several attempts at trying to get answers later, Clarke parks the car by a beach. I get out and stretch, taking in the view for a moment before I glance at Clarke and find her watching my reaction nervously. I give her a reassuring smile and gesture towards the water. “You realize it’s far too cold for skinny dipping, right?”

“Haha. Yeah, you’re still not getting in my pants, Woods,” she chuckles and I meet her at the front of the car to knock our shoulders together gently. We quickly strip off our shoes and socks, rolling up the legs of our pants before we get in the sand.

“You seem to think I’m desperate for sex,” I comment as we walk to the beach and Clarke lets out a loud bark of a laugh. “I’ll have you know that I could get any girl I want if I choose to.”

Clarke laughs again and murmurs, “Yeah, sure.” I let out an indignant huff and puff my chest out, barely managing to contain my teasing smile in favor of a faux scowl.

“You doubt my sexual prowess?” I question and Clarke turns to me with a shocked and worried expression until she sees the smile that’s threatening to ruin everything. Then her expression softens and that adorable smile of hers where her tongue peeks out from between her teeth overtakes her features.

She shakes her head and her eyes glimmer with mirth. “Of course not. I believe you could get plenty of women to sleep with you, if you were the type of person to do one night stands.”

I scoff and feign further offense. “So what? Now you’re saying I could never be a slut?! I’ll have you know I’m an excellent slut!”

Clarke giggles and reaches over to shove me as we walk. “Woah now, no need for slut shaming.”

I laugh back and kick a clump of seaweed out of the blonde’s path. “No shaming going on here. I respect the art of casual sex and one night stands. If anything, you’re the one doing the shaming. Shame on you for shaming the sluts.”

Clarke laughs harder and pushes me again and this time I allow myself to fall to the side, grabbing Clarke on the way and pulling her into the sand with me. Her peals of laughter can probably be heard clear across the empty beach as she attempts to wiggle out of my grip and stand up again. I’m stronger than her, though, so I have no problem holding her to the ground and roll us over so she ends up covered in just as much sand as I am.

I notice her hand sneaking out to grab a handful of sand out of the corner of my eye and I’m up and darting away before she can even do anything with it. “No way! Put it down!” I shout through my laughter, glancing back to see Clarke chasing after me, her hands both free of sand now. I momentarily get distracted by the way the full moon is reflecting off Clarke’s blonde hair, making it a beautiful shade of gold. I stumble in the sand just enough to give Clarke a chance to catch up with me. She jumps on my back as soon as she reaches me, probably hoping I’ll fall again, but I simply catch her and continue running with her on my back.

I shake any thoughts of the crush I feel growing for her out of my head, not willing to screw up what is quickly becoming a great friendship with my feelings. I smile at Clarke’s nonstop laughter in my ear as I run, her dumb hair flying behind us while she carefully brushes my hair to the side so it’s out of her face. Her fingers combing through my hair sends a shiver down my spine and I slow down, coming to a stop near the car. Clarke’s phone vibrates against my back and she pulls it out of her pocket while I set her down.

“We should probably get going. It’s nearly 1 in the morning,” she states and I nod, my smile wide before slipping to something smaller, but still definitely a smile.

By the time Clarke drops me off at home, it’s 3AM and I’m expecting Anya to already be in bed so I can slip into my room with minimal complications. Of course, it can never be that easy and I find my sister on the couch with a bowl of popcorn in her lap and some show playing on the TV. She glances up at me when I come in, a small smile on her face.

“Come on, we haven’t had a chance to hang out in weeks,” she requests, patting the open spot next to her on the couch.

I hesitate, then nod. “I need to shower first, I’m absolutely covered in sand.”

Anya’s voice follows me down the hallway. “Soulmates or not, Clarke’s a great friend for you.”

Chapter Text

“Lexa, if you don’t stop pacing right now I’m going to have to hurt you,” Anya says all too calmly, not even glancing up from her paperwork. I stop my movement, placing my hands on the desk and leaning forward. “She’s just coming to check the place out and maybe get a quick workout in. It’s not like you’re getting married.”

I scowl and swat at the Black Widow bobble head sitting at the corner of the desk, watching her head bob around for a moment before I speak. “I put more work into this gym than anything else I’ve ever done. What if she hates it? What if she’s been to better gyms?”

“So what? You’re just friends anyway, what does it matter if she doesn’t like the place? Plus, it’s a gym, and a great one at that. What’s there to not like?” Anya questions, she still doesn’t look up but her hand holding the pen stills.

I let out a sigh and slouch forward a bit onto the desk. “You’re right. We’re just friends. That’s all I’m interested in. It’ll be fine. What was I thinking? This gym is literally the best gym in the city anyway.”

Anya finally looks up, a smirk adorning her lips, “That’s more like it! Now get out there and try not to drool too much.”

“What? Why would I drool?” I question, confused. Anya nods her head to something over my shoulder and my heart may stop in my chest when I turn around and see Clarke walk into the gym in a tight tank top and leggings. “Ok. I’ve got this. It’s normal to be attracted to girls like that. I’ve worked through it before. I’ve got this.”

“Nice pep talk, now get out there before she wonders where you are, Commander,” Anya shoos and I take a deep breath then I’m out the door of the office.

Clarke moves to stand next to Lincoln, talking with him while her eyes roam around the gym. She doesn’t seem disappointed, so I take that as a good sign and feel my confidence slowly come back as I come to a stop next to Lincoln.

“Lexa, I didn’t know you invited Clarke here today?” Lincoln says and he keeps his tone light but I’ve known him long enough to know what he’s doing. Clarke’s attention is suddenly back on us and I notice her eyes dragging down my body before snapping quickly back up to my face. I smirk and raise an eyebrow, causing her to roll her eyes and pout at me. I file away the incident as her being shocked at how fit I am after not having much opportunity to see before now, pushing away the hope that she feels this same attraction that I do.

I take a step forward to be next to Clarke instead and turn to face Lincoln. “I mean, I technically didn’t invite her. She’s probably stalking me, actually.”

Clarke laughs and I feel my smirk transform into a smile at the sound and Lincoln just looks between the two of us before shaking his head and walking away. “You two are perfect for each other,” he mutters as he walks away and I freeze. Clarke’s laughter cuts off abruptly and I glare daggers into Lincoln’s back. He glances back at us when he notices we’ve gotten silent and his eyes widen momentarily before he mutters an apology followed by stammered excuses for needing to be at the far end of the gym.

I take a step away from Clarke, realizing suddenly how close we are, and I turn to look at her. “I’m sorry about him. I hope you aren’t too uncomfortable,” I say, looking anywhere but directly at the blonde, sure I couldn’t take whatever it is she’s feeling now.

“Hey,” Clarke replies, taking a step closer to me when I still don’t look at her, “Lex, it’s okay. I’m not uncomfortable. He just caught me off guard, is all.” I finally do look Clarke in the eye and I sigh in relief at how sincere she seems. I nod and have to tear my gaze away from her before I get lost in those eyes, staring at those flecks of grey as if they can take me back to when everything was easy. I shake those thoughts out of my head and gesture around the gym.

“So what do you think? Is this place worthy to have you work out here?” I question and I already feel some tension leaving my body when Clarke looks around again and lets out a short laugh.

“I suppose it might be. But I don’t think I can do that,” Clarke replies and I follow her nod to Luna’s kickboxing class that’s in the middle of a session.

I let out a laugh and nod my agreement. “Not yet, anyway. That’s not exactly a beginner’s class. I have the perfect class for you, actually, if you have an hour.” She raises an eyebrow with a grin but nods her consent. “Great, it starts in fifteen minutes so you’re welcome to warm up or just hang out if you’d rather conserve your energy.”

“I don’t need to conserve my energy, thank you very much. I’m sure I can handle whatever you throw at me!” Clarke protests, go over to a treadmill and starting a light jog, all the while watching me with what I can only assume is her attempt at a spiteful expression.

“Lexa!” a voice calls excitedly, cutting off any sarcastic reply I could give her. I turn around just in time to catch the excited ball of energy that crashes into me.

“Hey, Aden,” I greet fondly, ruffling the boys hair, causing him to swat at my hand and pull away from the hug. “Don’t tell me you went all weekend without practicing again.”

Aden’s face lights up even more and he shakes his head vigorously, launching into an excited story about his parents finally agreeing to get him a punching bag to practice on. He finishes and I smile and clap a hand on his shoulder. “That’s great Aden. But I hope you kept up with running and everything else as well. You know these classes are about more than just hitting things.”

“Yes, Lexa,” Aden replies, ducking his head in recognition. Then his eyes drift over my shoulder and I glance back to see Clarke has gotten off the treadmill and is watching us curiously, a small smile on her face. “Who’s this?”

“Oh, Aden, this is a friend of mine. She’ll be joining us for class today. Sky Princess, this is my top student, Aden,” I say, barely catching myself before her name slips out. I realize then I have no clue how to introduce her to people, and that may be something I need to work on.

Aden’s eyes widen fractionally at my nickname for Clarke, but she’s laughing and correcting him before he can voice his thoughts. “Hey, Aden, I’m Clarke. Don’t ask where she got that nickname for me, I have no clue.”

Aden grins and is distracted by a friend calling his name from the entrance of the gym. He waves at us and runs off to talk excitedly with his classmates and I turn to Clarke with a hint of a smile. “I think he likes you.”

“Of course. I’m extremely lovable,” Clarke replies with a smug grin. I push her shoulder before walking away, leading the blonde toward the room I teach the kids in. I lean against the wall in the front of the room, chatting easily with Clarke as we wait for the kids to get in here.

It’s only a few minutes before the room floods with my students, all chattering excitedly and looking at Clarke curiously. No one approaches her, but I notice them glancing over and murmuring guesses about what they think she’s doing here or who she is. Clarke seems to notice as well because she blushes and turns to me, lowering her voice to almost a whisper when she speaks. “It feels like I’m back to being in high school.”

“Oh? You found yourself being the center of attention a lot in high school? What, were you the head cheerleader or something?” I joke, smiling and nodding toward Tris when she waves at me. I notice her glancing at Clarke and her brow furrow and I realize suddenly that no one is coming up to talk to me like they normally would. I almost laugh at how intimidated they are by such a simple thing as a new adult hanging out in the class, but it gets caught in my throat when Clarke replies.

“Why? Do you have a problem with cheerleaders?”

I turn to her with wide eyes and a blush creeping up my face when I see her smirk. “Wh- what?” I stutter out. “You were seriously head cheerleader?” She nods and I have to tear my gaze away before I either say something stupid or combust from the thought of her in a cheerleader uniform. I straighten up and immediately the room falls silent aside from the shuffling of feet as the kids hurry to their spots.

“Alright, let’s get started.”

The class goes by fairly quickly, spending the first fifteen minutes teaching them some new moves before I instruct everyone to pair up and practice. I grab Aden before he can pair with Tris like he usually does, requesting him to help Clarke out. I smirk as I watch him approach the blonde, knowing he won’t go easy on her.

“Who should I practice with?” Tris asks, looking around the room at all the other pairs. I frown and go to the door, calling Lincoln over when I spot him a few feet away chatting with Anya while surveying the gym.

“Hey, you’re free for the next half hour, right?” I question when he’s standing in front of me.

“Yeah, I am, why?” he asks, glancing over my shoulder and biting his lip to hold in a laugh at something that’s happening behind me.

I glance back and see Clarke on the floor with Aden standing above her. His face is shocked, but also proud at taking down this grown woman so easily. “I need you to help Tris with her practice today,” I say, looking back at Lincoln and forcing down the laughter I feel bubbling in my chest and up my throat. The man nods and leads Tris back to her usual area, taking up a defensive stance and gesturing for her to show him what she’s got.

I walk around the room, helping the kids with their improper stances when necessary, offering praise when it’s earned, and advice on what they could do better if they seem in need. I find myself drifting over to Clarke and Aden often, smiling and encouraging the boy as he instructs Clarke on how she should be holding her body. She’s a quick learner, but she’s up against my best student who has much more experience than her.

We’re nearing the end of the class when I hear Clarke’s excited shout of victory. I look over to see her standing proudly over Aden, who’s lying on his back with his arms over his head in admittance of his defeat. I smile at Clarke when she looks over at me proudly, nodding my congratulations. Aden stands and I look at him with a raised eyebrow and he simply smiles and shrugs, telling me all I need to know. However, Clarke never needs to know that Aden let her win, she can have this ego boost.

“Okay, everyone. Finish up what you’re doing and you’re free to go,” I announce, raising my voice over the noise of the kids. I walk over to where Clarke and Aden are, extending a hand to help the boy up. “So how’d she do?”

Aden glances at Clarke, smiling nervously and blushing. “She’s a quick learner,” he says and I smirk. “Will you be joining us for future classes?”

Clarke glances at me and I shrug so she looks back at Aden. “I’m not sure. I’d like to, but honestly I’m not much of a fighter.” His face falls so she’s quick to backtrack. “I’ll make sure to come hang out again, though.”

I notice Lincoln watching us and he waves me over when he sees that he’s caught my attention. “Hey, I’ve got to talk to Lincoln real quick.” I ask Clarke and she nods with a grin before turning her attention back to Aden.

I cross the room to stand next to Lincoln, raising an eyebrow at the man when I’m standing in front of him. “Are you ever planning on telling her?” he questions and I frown.

I turn to look at Clarke. Aden’s gotten more kids to interact with her and now she’s surrounded by a swarm of children all talking excitedly at her. She laughs at something one of them says and I don’t try to fight my smile. “Yeah. But not now. We’ve got something good here, I don’t want to destroy it already.” I look back at Lincoln and his face has softened, but he still has a concerned glimmer in his eye.

“Alright. I trust you to do what you think is right, Commander. But I’ve gotten pretty close with Clarke since I met Octavia, I really don’t want to watch her get hurt,” Lincoln says carefully. I glance back at Clarke sadly and nod.

“I get it, Lincoln. You don’t want to have to choose sides here, between your family or your soulmate. I know what I’m doing though, and I promise I’d never deliberately do something to hurt either of you.” I watch as Clarke grabs Cole and lifts him up, swinging him around as he laughs maniacally and screams out apologies for some unknown crime.

Lincoln begins to speak again, but he’s cut off by Aden running over and grabbing my hand. “Lexa! Tristan’s birthday is today and all out parents agreed we could have a party at the pizza place next door. Will you come?” Aden asks excitedly, dragging me away from Lincoln. I throw one last glance and reassuring smile at my friend over my shoulder before I look back at Aden.

“Of course! That sounds so fun! Did you invite Sky Princess too?” I ask, allowing some of the boy’s excitement to rub off on me.

He pauses and looks at me wide eyed. “Do you think Clarke would come?”

I shrug and look over at Clarke, glancing over at me even as she continues to talk and laugh with the kids. “It wouldn’t hurt to ask.” Aden grins and me and runs the few remaining feet to Clarke, proposing the idea with that loud excitement most common in little kids. All the other kids jump on the idea, Tristan rushing forward to beg Clarke to say yes.

“Well, I’m free for a few more hours, why not,” Clarke shrugs and Tristan grabs one hand and Aden the other, dragging her out of the room toward the front door of the building. I lag behind a bit, smiling fondly at how easy Clarke gets along with my students. Tris stays back with me, taking my hand and walking beside me.

I spot Anya on my way out and I shout over to her, “Hey, Ahn! I’m going out with these guys for a while, think you can hold down the fort?” She looks at the group, her eyes quickly picking out Clarke before she looks back at me with a smirk.

“Sure. Have fun and don’t do anything stupid,” she calls back and I almost flip her off before remembering that I’m surrounded by children.

I quicken our pace then, wanting to catch up with the group before they actually make it outside. I follow them next door where their parents are hanging out in the party room, decorations up and a cake and presents on a table to the side of the room.

I notice some concern when the parents see Clarke, and the kids do nothing to help with that, not understanding the potential problem. I let go of Tris’s hand and go over to join the adults. “She’s a friend of mine,” I say, nodding toward Clarke where she’s trying to get away from the kids to come introduce herself. “I invited her to the class today and they all loved her and really wanted her to come. I hope that’s okay?”

“You trust her?” Tristan’s mom asks and I nod assuredly. “Okay, then it’s no problem. She seems to be popular with them.”

The kids break up into smaller groups, a few grabbing parents to come join them in their games. I make my way over to Clarke and Aden. She looks at me curiously with a bit of concern and I nod, letting her know that everything’s fine. She smiles and relaxes and Aden quickly pulls us into a game with a few of the other kids.

Before long, Clarke glances at her watch and frowns, standing up from where we relocated to the table. “I’ve got to get going. I have a meeting at 6,” she says apologetically.

“I’m sure it’s fine. I should probably be getting back to the gym, too. I may be the boss, but I can only skip out so much,” I laugh, standing up and stretching. We say our goodbyes to the kids and I hardly repress a laugh at Aden’s reluctance to let Clarke go.

Eventually we get out and I walk Clarke to her car. “That was nice. Thank you,” she says, leaning against the vehicle.

“Thank you for joining us. The kids clearly love you,” I reply with a shrug.

“Well, I’ll have to come back sometime to see them, won’t I?” she asks with a sly grin and I chuckle, shaking my head.

“I see. I’ve already been replaced. Wow. Fine, but if you really did want to come back for them, they have class every Tuesday and Thursday from 3:15 to 4. I know they’d love it even if you only showed up to say hey to them all after class ends,” I inform her, half hoping that she agrees to come on Thursday.

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was hold when she nods and says, “Great. Then I’ll see you all on Thursday. Bye, Lexa.”

Clarke gets in her car and I lean against the open door with a smirk. “By the way, I’m glad I got you in the gym. I was not disappointed.” I close the door and back away, waving sweetly as she blushes and stares at me with wide eyes. If there’s anything I’ve learned about Clarke though, it’s that she recovers from embarrassment quickly and she quickly flips me off with a smirk before driving away. I go back to the gym after she’s gone and ignore Anya when she mocks me for being so happy about Clarke being here.

Chapter Text

I stare at the front door with my brow furrowed, wondering how I can open it without setting anything down. The idea to just ring the doorbell and accept help crosses my mind briefly, but I shoot it down quickly in favor of nursing my pride for just a bit longer. I shuffle the bags around and I’m able to momentarily free one hand to open the door. I have to just turn the handle and let it swing open, cringing at the sound of it banging into the wall behind it, but I have to quickly readjust the sacks before my grip falters and one tumbles to the ground. I kick the door shut again behind me, making my way to the kitchen quickly, eager to dump the groceries on the counter.

“I don’t suppose any of that food is for us?” Raven questions innocently, coming to stand in the doorway and watch me with a raised eyebrow. I glance back at her over my shoulder as I start pulling ingredients from bags.

“You think I’d come into your home and cook food in your kitchen and not let you eat any? Nah, my sister is way more likely to pull that kind of stunt,” I reply and I smile at the excitement Raven dons at getting free food. “Plus, we both know the princess doesn’t eat much when she’s studying like this. I’ll probably end up making way too much again so I couldn’t not feed you even if I tried.”

Raven smirks and nods. “That’s more like it, Commander Hardass.” I laugh and flip the woman off, ushering her out of the kitchen so I can set to work. Clarke has a big test coming up tomorrow so I decided to stop by the grocery store after work and pick up ingredients for lasagna (AKA the one meal that family prefer of mine over Uncle Gus’s) to make for her. After all, the least I can do as her friend is make sure she eats at least one proper meal after a week of studying so hard she’s likely not eaten anything even resembling a meal.

Octavia saunters into the kitchen and sits on the counter when I’m just beginning to assemble the lasagna. “So Raven wasn’t lying when she said you’re cooking for us?” the girl asks suspiciously and I feel an eyebrow quirk up when I glance over at her.

“Is that what she said? That’s not necessarily the truth,” I reply and I laugh when Octavia’s face falls just a tiny bit. “Technically I’m cooking for Sky Princess, but you two are welcome to it as well.”

Octavia’s huge smile returns and she pushes off the counter, bouncing out of the room. “I knew there was a reason Clarke kept you around!”

After I get the food in the oven, I wander upstairs and perch in the doorway to Clarke’s room. I smile softly at her disheveled appearance. Her hair is mussed up as if she’s drawn her hands through it several times and her head rests tiredly in her hands, propped up above a textbook. She’s in sweats and a baggy t-shirt and her entire posture screams exhaustion. Music is playing softly in the background, but I entirely doubt she can even hear it in her intense level of concentration.

“Want to take a break?” I ask quietly, hoping to not startle her and failing miserably as she jumps and snaps her head up to stare at me with wide eyes.

She frowns and glances at the clock then back to her textbook. “So much yes but I can’t. If I fail this test tomorrow then I basically fail the class, and if I fail this class I basically fail med school.”

I frown and walk further into the room, sitting on her bed. “Alright. I’m sure you won’t fail, you’re smart and you’ve been studying for this test all week. But if you don’t want to quit I’ll just hang out and keep you company. Unless I can help somehow? I could help quiz you maybe?”

Clarke’s gaze softens as she watches me recline against her pillows. “Yeah, I think I’d like that.” She pulls out some flashcards and hands them to me to read. We spend the remainder of dinner’s cooking time studying like that, cheering every time Clarke gets an answer right, which is after almost every question.

By the time my phone beeps angrily at me, letting me know it’s time for us to go downstairs, Clarke’s seeming a lot more confident. We walk through the dining room on the way to the kitchen and laugh when we see Raven and Octavia, sitting at a fully set table watching me expectantly.

“You do realize you’re going to have to wait for it to cool for a bit, right?” I ask, raising an eyebrow at the impatient women. I pull out a chair for Clarke to sit in but she disregards the gesture, going into the kitchen to get drinks for everyone. I sigh and follow her in, getting the food out of the oven while she stands at the fridge debating her options. “This is supposed to be a nice gesture for you to take away all the work of getting food. You aren’t meant to be helping,” I point out, glancing sideways at her as I lift the lasagna out of the oven.

She makes a decision, nodding to herself as she pulls out the gallon of milk, before she looks at me. “I understand. But I can get my own milk, I promise.”

I huff and shake my head at her. “You make my job so hard,” I sigh but I know Clarke can see the smile growing on my lips.

“Oh? And what job is that?” she questions, missing the shelf on her first try putting the milk away due to watching me with a smirk.

“Guys! Stop flirting and feed us!” Raven calls from the dining room and I chuckle at the protest she proceeds to shout after I assume Octavia hits her.

“Feeding your friends, apparently,” I say in response to Clarke’s question before I pick the lasagna back up from where I set in on the stove and carry it into the other room.

We’ve just gotten food dished up when the doorbell rings and I glance around the group curiously, wondering if anyone is expecting company. Clarke shrugs and Raven and Octavia both look at me expectantly.

I stand up with a barely there smirk and a headshake at the other girls at the table. “You realize this is your house, right?” I ask on my way to the door.

“Yeah, but you come over often enough you basically live here. Consider this your rent,” Raven’s voice follows after me and I don’t fail to notice the distinct sound of forks clinking on plates as they go on eating.

“I thought feeding you might cover that,” I toss back before I open the front door. I raise an eyebrow when I see Anya standing on the other side. “Anya?”

Her brows furrow and she looks into the house over my shoulder. “You realize this isn’t your house, right?” she questions and I laugh.

“I already tried that. What are you doing here?” I question and Anya shakes her head, her brow furrowing as she tilts her head to the side slightly, clearly trying to come up with some excuse. “You guessed I would be making lasagna and wanted to come steal some, didn’t you?”

Anya smirks and dips her head in a half nod. “Luna may or may not have seen you buying the ingredients this afternoon and she may or may not have let me know.”

I laugh and turn around, walking back to the dining room. I glance back briefly when I hear the door close, ensuring that my sister is following me. “I guess we’ll have the extra company of Satan’s mistress joining us tonight,” I say, walking into the room and narrowly dodging Anya’s swipe at the back of my head. “Ray, I believe you’re the only one who hasn’t met my sister yet. This is Anya.”

Raven glances up momentarily and I roll my eyes at the way her eyes indiscreetly drag down my sister’s body and the appreciative smirk that settles on her face. “Well, Anya, it’s a pleasure to have you joining us,” Raven greets and I barely suppress a groan.

“Sky Princess, can you tell your friends to stop sleeping with mine?” I request before my eyes land on my sister who’s staring at Raven with wide eyes. “Ahn? What’s wrong?”

Anya shakes her head, glancing at me momentarily. “No, it’s fine. I just… Can I talk to you in private, Raven?” she asks and it doesn’t take a genius to figure out what’s going on when Ray gasps and her fork clatters noisily on her plate. Raven nods quickly, a huge grin spreading on her face as her eyes dart around to take in all the colors in her surroundings.

“Upstairs?” Raven asks and I’ve never seen her without her usual level of confidence, it’s a bit unnerving to say the least. They go upstairs to Raven’s room without another word to us, leaving the three of us glancing around at each other.

“So that’s pretty great,” Clarke says after a moment.

“Yeah, I’m happy for them,” I reply and Clarke looks at me with a raised eyebrow but I just smile and nod. “I really am. Just because I don’t believe in the premise of soulmates doesn’t mean I’m not happy when other people are happy with theirs.”

“She left her food. That’s so not like her,” Octavia comments with a chuckle and I laugh when I see Raven’s mostly untouched plate.

“I’m sure they’ll eat when they’re done talking. I’m sure there’s a lot of that to be done when you find your soulmate,” I say with a shrug.

“So now it’s just me and you, huh, Lex?” Clarke says with the barest hint of sadness hidden in her voice.

I reach over and rub her shoulder comfortingly. “We’ll get there someday.”

Chapter Text

We continue eating until we hear a loud bang come from upstairs. I stand up quickly, ready to run upstairs and see what’s wrong. But then I hear the loud moan I feel all the blood drain from my face. I dart out the front door, running to my car, which I lean against while Clarke rubs my back. “Oh my god. I think I’m going to puke,” I mutter. “Is Octavia coming?”

“I think so, yeah,” Clarke murmurs, a smile evident in her voice and I scowl.

“This isn’t funny.”

“It kinda is.”

“I hate you.”

I straighten up and look at the door, beginning to pace agitatedly. “Where is she?” I ask impatiently. Then the door opens and Octavia step out, a smug grin on her face and the food I made balanced carefully in her arms. I almost scold her for wasting time and grabbing the food, but she’s getting in my car soon enough and I decide I don’t care as long as we’re leaving.

“Where to?” Clarke asks as I start the car.

“We could go to my place?” I suggest with a shrug.

Octavia shares a look with Clarke who nods and that seems to be all the discussion they need. “Sure, lead the way,” Octavia agrees and I nod, directing my car in that direction.

Clarke quickly takes the aux and I don’t even pretend to put up a fight for it this time. Soon enough, she has some pop music playing through my speakers and her and Octavia sing along. We spend the drive like that, with Clarke trying to get me to join them when she knows I know the words, but I just laugh and brush her off, claiming I need to concentrate on driving.

I pull up in my driveway and I notice Lincoln across the street, hauling an old punching bag from his garage to the curb. Octavia notices him too, and she’s out of the car before I even get it turned off.

“I’m just gonna go say hi,” she says, inching away. I nod and Clarke laughs, waving her off.

“We’re not going to see her again today, are we?” I ask with a raised eyebrow as Clarke and I watch the excited girl jog across the street. Lincoln looks up with a wide smile, looking briefly at us to wave before Octavia’s crashing into him.

“No. We are not,” Clarke agrees and I nod. I go into the house, crashing on the couch and watching Clarke move some books I dumped in the chair to take a seat on it. “We’re the only ones without our soulmates now.”

“I suppose so,” I lie, looking away from Clarke to turn on the TV. I put on a documentary about rainforests, mostly to see how long I can keep it on before the blonde insists on changing it.

“Can I ask you a personal question?” Clarke asks after a moment. I look back at her and smirk.

“Now you ask? And here I’ve gotten used to you just doing it when you wanted,” I reply with a chuckle. She doesn’t laugh and I nod when she continues to look at me and wait for permission.

“I know the story behind your thing about soulmates. But I don’t understand something. How can Anya be so excited to meet hers? You two went through the same experience,” Clarke says and I freeze. I never expected to get that question so I never prepared to say the answer out loud.

I hold my breath and count to ten, closing my eyes and concentrating on getting rid of the images burned into my brain. I feel the couch dip next to me and Clarke rest a hand on mine. I flip that hand over and hold hers, squeezing it and hoping to draw the strength for this from her.

“It was a week after my father left. My mom hadn’t been okay all week, but she put on a strong face for me and Ahn. That day, she seemed fine when she dropped us off at school. I thought she was finally over it. So I agreed to spend the night at Anya’s friend’s house with her even though they were fourteen, freshman in high school, and I was only ten and not even in middle school yet. Anya barely let me go, only agreeing because Mom said she had to.

I had this stuffed animal I slept with, a puppy named Rexa, and I couldn’t sleep without it. Anya’s friend just lived a block away from us, so I begged them to let me go home after supper and get Rexa. They didn’t want me out by myself, and eventually her friend’s older brother agreed to walk me. So we went home and he was so nice even though he was seventeen and I was ten. He let me talk about the giant squids we learned about in school that day because I just thought they were so cool. When we got home, I told him he should just wait on the porch while I ran inside. I was hoping to be quiet so Mom wouldn’t know I had to come get Rexa. She’d been so snappish since Dad left, I didn’t want her yelling at me about how stupid it is that I can’t sleep without a dumb stuffed animal.”

I pause to breathe and Clarke rubs her thumb over my knuckles. I smile at the gesture and take a deep breath, wanting to just finish the story.

“I snuck into my room and got Rexa off my bed. I was getting out and it was fine. But then I noticed something spilled on the kitchen floor and I thought Mom dropped her wine and I was going to clean it up for her because I wanted to be a good daughter. So I sneak in there and I saw her there. Laying on the floor with a knife next to her. Sometimes when I close my eyes, I can still see her there, with her eyes open but not able to focus on anything, the blood still seeping out of the cuts. I can still see Rexa where I dropped her, covered in blood and destroyed. I screamed for help, and the boy lied to Anya for me. He said he was the one that found her. He told me that she would be hurt enough that she lost her mom, she didn’t need to worry about the fact that her baby sister found the body.

So that’s why she’s not as affected by it as I am. She’s not the one that saw her mom, dead, lying in a pool of her own blood. And to this day, she doesn’t know that I did. She blames it all on our father and Costia.” I sigh when I finish, feeling my body basically collapse in on itself after finally getting that off my chest. After several years of not speaking about it to anyone, it feels like a huge weight was lifted off my chest and I’m finally able to breathe easier.

Clarke holds me tightly and I let her, wanting to let her comfort me. I cry silently for a while and Clarke lets me soak her shirt, not complaining once.

“I’m so sorry I made you relive that,” she says eventually and I’m shaking my head.

“Don’t be. I’ve never had anyone I could tell before. It hurt to think about, but it feels amazing to finally have it out there,” I say, my voice shuddering as my words get stuck in my throat. “Hell, this was fourteen years ago and I’ve never told anyone that.”

“That guy is such a dick. He never should have scared you away from talking to someone about that!” Clarke growls and I shake my head, holding her in place when she tries to get up and pace away her agitation.

“It’s fine. Seriously. Thank you for letting me tell you,” I say, and I feel my breathing even out. I take in a deep breath and it feels like the first one I’ve taken in fourteen years. We sit quietly, my gaze out the window on Lincoln and Octavia as they sit on his porch swing across the street. I smile gently at how relaxed and happy they seem. I think about how that may be Clarke and myself one day, but I still can’t bring myself to entertain the idea of saying her name out loud to her.

“My dad is dead, too. It was nothing special, a semi just didn’t stop at their red light and he was gone before they got to the hospital. There was nothing they could have done. My mom said she felt it, like her heart just stopped for a second and when it start again, it was like there was a knife there and each pump forced it in further,” Clarke says eventually. I stiffen and hug her tighter to me. “I’m not saying that to get your pity, I’ve gotten plenty of that. I just thought you’d like to know that your father felt it. He suffered for what he did to you.”

“Thank you,” I murmur and Clarke nods, still not looking at me.

Chapter Text

Clarke shows up at my house early and comes straight to my room. I glance up at the door, not bothering to get up from where I’m lounging on my back, relaxing after my run. “Hello, Sky Princess,” I greet, lowering my book to lay on my chest.

“Come on, I’m out of paint,” Clarke says, raising her eyebrows expectantly when I don’t move. “Okay, what else were you planning to do on your day off? How about this, you come with me to the art supply store and then you’re invited to come to lunch with my
mom, the Blakes, and Ray then movie night at my place.”

I stand and stretch my arms over my head, groaning at the stiffness in my shoulders. “Alright. But you’re buying me coffee on the way.” When I lower my arms again, pulling my shirt down from where it rode up my stomach, I note the way Clarke quickly tears her eyes away to look around the room nervously and the blush on her face, filing it away for later teasing.

“Deal,” Clarke agrees, “I’ll just go bug Anya while you get changed.”

I glance down at my outfit, sweats and a tank top, then look back at Clarke with a furrowed brow. “What’s wrong with what I’m wearing?”

“Nothing. Except we’re going to lunch with my mom and she’ll probably want to go somewhere a bit more fancy than sweats,” Clarke replies, backing out of the room with a sly grin.

“What does that mean?” I call after her, frowning at the laugh I get in response. I stand in the doorway to my closet, staring at my options for a few minutes before I decide on black skinny jeans and a dark blue button up, which Anya may or may not have told me compliment’s Clarke’s eyes well.

When I wander down the hall to the living room, I laugh at what I see. Anya is glaring at Clarke like she’s the worst thing that ever happened to our house, Raven is huddled behind a chair as if she’s trying to hide, and Clarke is smirking but wide-eyed as if she’s shocked by what’s before her.

“What is happening?” I ask curiously, leaning against the doorway with my arms crossed in front of me and an eyebrow raised at the scene in the room.

Anya turns her glare on me and scowls. “Tell your girlfriend she’s not allowed to visit anymore. Or at the very least she can use the doorbell occasionally.”

But that wouldn’t be fair, now would it? I’m allowed to go in their house without knocking whenever I want,” I reply with a smirk, I glance over at Clarke, hoping for some kind of backup on this, but she’s dragging her eyes down my body when I look over and I
just wait for the teasing that my outfit is too formal now. “Plus,” I begin, looking back over at my sister, “we could avoid these types of problems if you and Raven kept your sex to bedrooms. Or one bedroom, just freaking pick one so Sky Princess and I know which house is guaranteed to be safe for hanging out it.”

“Who say’s we were having sex?” Anya asks defiantly. I raise an eyebrow and lean over to pick up Raven’s shirt from where they threw it on the ground.

I toss it over to Raven, who catches it gratefully, standing up straight as she pulls it on. “I never pegged you for the type of girl to hide when she’s caught with her shirt off,” I say, smirking at Raven as she scowls at Clarke.

“Did she not tell you? Clarke said that the next time she catches Anya and me in inappropriate places with clothing missing she’s going to take a picture and send it to Mama G,” Raven replies grumpily and I laugh at Clarke’s proud smirk.

"I still stand by that. Now come on, Lex,” Clarke says, grabbing my hand and pulling me towards the front door.

I tug against her for a second so I can peek my head back in the living room. “We may be leaving, but please take it to the bedroom if you’re going to continue. People use that couch.”

We take separate cars as far as Clarke’s house so she can drop hers off then we go the remainder of the trip in my car. Clarke spends the entirety of the drive flipping through songs, not able to decide on one until we’re close enough to the store that we get there before it finishes. Clarke’s so into it, though, I wait until it’s over to turn off the car and get out.

“So what do you need?” I question, meeting Clarke on the sidewalk. She pulls out a list and I peer at it over her shoulder, scoffing as I do. “Seriously? You don’t even make a list when you go grocery shopping.”

Clarke smiles widely and shrugs. “This is clearly more important, Lexa. And anyway, why would I make a list for grocery shopping when I can just go to your house and eat whatever you cook?”

I pluck the small piece of paper from Clarke’s hands, looking over it with a furrowed brow as we walk. “Oh? Is that why we’re friends? You’re just using me for my superior cooking skills?”

“That or the fact that your uncle’s restaurant has amazing food and I figure I can use our relationship in my favor when I go there,” she smirks and I knock shoulders with her.

“You’re seriously the worst,” I state, handing Clarke her list back and pulling open the door for her when we get to the shop.

Clarke goes in ahead of me and goes straight back to where she needs to be, but I meander a bit. I see a display with several different kinds of pencils and come to a stop in front of it, looking between them all curiously. “Hey, Sky Princess? What’s the difference?” I ask, grabbing two pencils at random and holding them up for her to see. She glances over her shoulder briefly, smiling cutely at my perplexed expression.

“It’s all about how hard the lead it,” she says and laughs when I just get more confused.

I set them down and wander over. “And why does hardness matter?” I question, blushing when Clarke laughs harder and I catch the innuendo. “That’s not what I meant…”

“I know, that’s why it’s so funny!” she replies, leaning forward and clutching her stomach at how hard she’s laughing. She looks up at me and her laughter slows a bit when she sees my pout. “You’re adorable.”

“And you’re the worst friend ever.” I come to stand behind her, peering over her shoulder as she wipes her eyes and turns her attention back to the paints.

“That’s not true and you know it.” She reaches forward and picks up a light pink and that’s when I know I’ve lost her attention.

I look over all the different paints and I wonder what Clarke sees when she looks at them. They all have labels for what color they are and I wonder if that’s helpful for when artists gain color, if they already know what the names are. My eyes land on a certain shade of blue and I point it out without thinking. “That’s a pretty color. It’s almost the same shade of blue as your eyes.”

Clarke freezes and I feel her tense where I’m pressed against her back lazily. She doesn’t say anything, though, relaxing quickly and picking up the tube I pointed at. She moves on around the shop and I don’t think about my misstep, the thought that I’ve said anything about color quickly leaving my mind.

I trail behind Clarke as she walks around the store, occasionally picking something up to inspect curiously before I put it down, either bored with it or afraid I’ll break it. Usually when I come with her, Clarke would take the time to tell me what I mess with, but she seems distracted this time. I write it off as being nervous to see her mom, which I completely understand.

Clarke seems tense when she checks out and I take her bags when we leave. “What’s wrong?” I ask as soon as we’ve exited the store, not used to her not being so quiet. She hardly even chatted with the cashier, and she typically loves striking up a conversation with the workers at art supply stores. Clarke just shakes her head and looks at me with a smile. It seems off but I don’t want to push her.

“I’m fine. I just got some really bad cramps all the sudden. Do you think we could get a raincheck on that movie after lunch?” she asks and I nod my head slowly, concern flooding through me.

“Sure, anything you want.” Clarke nods and remains silent for the remainder of the walk. During the drive to the restaurant where we’re meeting her family, I try to initiate conversation a few times but she shoots all attempts down with monosyllabic answers. Eventually, I sigh and give up.

We get there and Clarke instantly brightens when she sees her mother. “Mom! Hi!” They hug and I stand back awkwardly, glancing to Octavia for guidance. She just smiles and waves, though, so I get no help.

Eventually the mother and daughter part and Abby immediately turns to look at me with a small smile and a raised eyebrow. “Mom, this is Lexa. I hope you don’t mind that I brought her. I really wanted you to meet her and she doesn’t do so well when I make her hang out with the whole gang.”

“Of course not! It’s nice to meet you, Lexa,” Abby says brightly and I relax at her enthusiasm.

“It’s great to meet you, too, Mrs. Griffin,” I reply with a hint of a smile of my own. I extend a hand for her to shake, but she brushes it away and pulls me in for a hug. I tense at first, unsure of how to react. I eventually return the hug nervously, and Abby lets out a small laugh when she pulls away.

“Now, none of this ‘Mrs. Griffin’ business,” she states, “call me Abby.”

“Or Mama G,” Octavia offers with a grin. Abby laughs and waves Octavia off. She goes back to sit at the table and Clarke sits next to her. The only spot left is between Clarke and Octavia so I take my seat and relax as the four others slip into easy conversation as they catch up with each other. Soon enough, Clarke is almost back to being her normal, cheery self and I’ve all but forgotten about her earlier mood.

We’ve been sitting for a little over half an hour when Abby looks at me. “So I hear you’re to thank for my daughter’s sudden interest in working out on a regular basis.”

I smile and nod, glancing teasingly at Clarke. “Yes, ma’am. She’s become a regular at the gym and the kids in my mixed martial arts class love her.”

Clarke smiles sheepishly and nods, “They just like that I always bring snacks for after the class.”

I laugh and shove against her side lightly, “No way. Aden has a crush on you.” This causes Clarke to blush and the table to burst out in laughter.

Clarke tries to argue that he doesn’t, but Octavia interrupts. “I know that kid, he totally likes you. I bet it’s only a matter of time before he asks you out, but then again, the same goes for most of those boys.”

“Don’t worry, though. Aden would definitely fight for you if he found out anyone else asked you out,” I chuckle and Clarke looks down at her hands, her blush still going strong but her smile faltering for just a second before she brings it back.

“Oh, Clarke, do I need to talk to this boy?” Abby asks with a grin and Clarke shakes her head.

“I hate all of you,” she grumbles, causing the rest of us to laugh again.

“No, come on Clarke! It’d be great for you to get back in the dating scene again!” Raven suggests with a smirk.

Clarke turns on Raven, who instantly loses her smirk when she sees Clarke’s grin and raised eyebrow. “Speaking of the dating scene, how was your morning with Anya?” she asks and Raven frown, pouting at the blonde.

“Oh, yeah, I would still like to meet both you girls’ soulmates while I’m in town,” Abby requests, although it comes out sounding more like a command. Both Octavia and Raven nod and I smirk, thinking about how flustered Anya’s going to get about meeting Abby. She’s never been the type of person to get in relationships where meeting the parents is appropriate, so this could potentially be hilarious.

Soon after that, Abby announces that she has to leave in order to get to the conference she actually came to town for. Clarke promises to spend more time with her later in the week before she leaves, and Abby makes me promise to come and hang out at least one more time. After she leaves, Clarke says goodbye to Octavia and Bellamy then goes to my car without even saying anything to me.

The second I get to the car, I notice Clarke’s bad mood is back. I chalk it up to her period, knowing she tends to get extra moody for the first couple days, and put on some music so I’m not tempted to try and talk, pushing her too far. I drop her off at her house and she barely utters a goodbye before she’s speeding through the front door.

I furrow my brow as I watch her practically run away. She seemed perfectly fine when we were with everyone else, so I wonder if I did something to upset her. I wrack my brain for everything I did today, but I can’t come up with anything. I sigh and drive back home, hoping she’s out of this mood soon so we can hang out again.

Chapter Text

I go straight home after I drop Clarke off, dropping down on the couch with a heavy sigh when I get there. Anya looks up from her book, watching me curiously. “I wasn’t expecting you home for a few more hours?”

“Clarke’s upset about something,” I explain with a shrug. “She said it was cramps, but I’m pretty sure she’s pissed off about something.”

“Well, what’d you do?” Anya asks and I scowl. “Don’t give me that look, Raven texted to ask if you two were fighting.”

I sit up straighter and raise an eyebrow. “You knew something was up yet you were still expecting me to be out later?” I try to think back through everything I’ve done today.

“I figured you’d work it out. You two never actually fight,” Anya cuts my thoughts off and I nod slowly. “So, what did you do?”

“I don’t know, we were just shopping for art supplies and I pointed out a blue that was the same shade as her eyes then she got all quiet an…”

“Wait!” Anya interrupts, “You mentioned you can see colors! She probably thinks you’ve met your soulmate and it’s not her now, you idiot!”

I run my hand through my hair and feel my breath quicken at her realization. How I didn’t think of it earlier, I’ll never know, but I can’t believe I did that. “Wait. If she thinks it’s not her, why is she even upset? You’d think she’d be happy for me?”

Anya shakes her head and frown. “She likes you, Lex. That much is obvious to everyone except apparently you.” I furrow my brows and shake my head, denying it. Anya moves over to the couch with me wraps her arm around my shoulders. “You have to tell her. Honestly, you should’ve done it weeks ago, but now you seriously have to. I know it’s scary, but I know you can do it. And if you’re comfortable with her enough that you slipped up and mentioned colors without even realizing it was a mistake you’re clearly comfortable enough to accept her as your soulmate.”

“Yeah, I guess you’re right,” I sigh, hanging my head and rubbing my eyes tiredly. I stand up slowly, reaching for my phone.

“You’re not seriously going to tell her over the phone, are you?” Anya asks accusingly and I shake my head with a sharp bark of laughter.

“Of course not. I’m just going to call and ask if I can come over.”

Clarke’s POV

Lexa’s name appears on my phone as it starts ringing, and I know it’s childish, but I just ignore it. The front door opens and I look up to see Raven coming in. She’s probably just changing then going over to Anya’s but I smile and intercept her on her way to her room.

“Raven! As a person who sees colors, I need your help with something!” I say, feigning excitement over an art project I haven’t even started yet.

She sighs but nods and follows me to my room. “You know, just because I can see color doesn’t mean I’m any good at art,” she points out and I nod. Raven immediately goes and flops on my bed when we get to my room, looking around for a started canvas.

I go over to the bags of supplies I left on my desk earlier, digging a certain bottle. I find it and pull it out, going over to give it to Raven. She glances at the bottle, then back up at me curiously. “What am I supposed to be doing with this?” she asks.

“Just tell me what you think about that color,” I instruct and she shrugs.

"I don’t know. It’s the same color as your eyes,” she says, unsure of herself and her brow furrowed as she tried to figure out what’s going on.

I sigh and take the bottle back, reaching over to drop it on my nightstand before I lay back on my bed with a heavy sigh and my arm slung over my eyes. “So she was right…”

“What? Ok, Clarke, this is seriously weird even for you. What’s going on?” Raven questions. I move my elbow just enough to peer at my friend with one eye.

“That’s the same thing Lexa said about that color.”

Raven is silent for a few seconds and I drop my elbow again. I feel the bed shift as Raven moves to lay next to me, wrapping me in a hug. I move closer to her, readily accepting the comfort she’s offering.

“I’m sorry, Clarke. Have you talked to her about it? Maybe she’s just really good about distinguishing different shade of grey?” Raven suggests but her tone makes it clear she doesn’t believe that may more than I do. Raven shifts away from me and I move my arm to peer up at her. “I think this situation calls for Octavia and ice cream, don’t you?”

I nod but sit up and call after Raven shortly after she leaves my room. “Wait! Isn’t O on a date with Lincoln?”

Raven doesn’t even stop walking to respond to me. “Yeah, but she spends plenty of time with him. She won’t mind coming home early.”

I get up and follow after Raven, and maybe my feet drag a bit and even I’m annoyed by the sound created by that, but I can’t help it. I go down the stairs, my steps thudding louder than usual and I know if Lexa were here she’d cringe at how noisy I’m being. “You know what’s really shitty though?” I ask as I abandon my trail after Raven to go into the living room rather than the kitchen.

“What’s that?” Ray asks, raising her voice to be heard from the other room.

“I don’t even have a right to be upset,” I state and Raven comes into the room with a raised eyebrow and three spoons in one hand, her phone in the other. I tilt my head to the side a bit in question.

“We don’t have ice cream. I texted O to pick some up on her way home,” she explains and I nod. “Anyway, go on. Why don’t you think you have a right to be upset?”

I sigh and shrug, throwing my feet up on Raven’s lap when she sits down and wedging myself as far into the corner of the couch as I can go. “I already knew she wasn’t my soulmate. And she didn’t even do anything wrong. I just was dumb and got a crush on a girl when it wasn’t meant to be. It’s not her fault.”

“She could’ve told you, though,” Raven points out, and I know she’s just digging for reasons to justify my behavior. I smile gently at the attempt, but shake my head.

“She doesn’t owe me anything.”

I hear the front door open, but it’s too quiet to possibly be Octavia. I assume then that it’s Anya coming for Raven, so I move my feet so she can go greet her girlfriend. Before she gets up, though, Lexa moves to stand in the doorway.

“I know you don’t want to see me, but can we talk?” she asks quietly, looking anywhere but at me, clearly nervous. She swallows hard and I glance at Raven, nodding when she shoots me a questioning look.

“I’ll just be in the dining room,” Raven assures me as she stands up. She glares at Lexa on her way past and I sigh.

“I’m sorry, she’s fiercely protective. I have no right to be upset with you,” I say, watching Lexa as she steps further into the room but still won’t look at me. I feel my chest clench at the idea that this is what our relationship will be now. My dumb emotions had to ruin a perfectly great relationship. She’s almost acting like she’s guilty, but I can’t figure out what of. “I don’t know if I should even be happy for you that you found your soulmate, but I definitely shouldn’t be jealous. I just need some space so I can work out my feelings.”

Lexa’s shoulders heave with the intensity of her sigh and I take a step closer to her. She curls into herself and takes a step back though, so I stop where I am and wait for her to speak. She looks ready to flee and I don’t want to revert back to that. The front door opens noisily and I hear a murmured conversation between Raven and Octavia as Ray catches the smaller brunette before she can make it this far. Lexa tenses even further and I begin to worry that she’ll be thrown into another panic attack. So I stand and wait, even though it hurts to have her standing here and know that any feelings I have for her will never be reciprocated, I wait for her to make the first move.

After a few more seconds of standing in silence, Lexa finally lifts her head to look at me. Or, at least in my direction. Her eyes flit to mine occasionally, but she’s clearly having a hard time looking at me. “Have you ever wondered why I only call you Sky Princess?” she asks eventually and I shrug, my eyebrows raising. I try to figure out what she’s getting at, but I’m lost. “I’m so sorry I didn’t tell you sooner. I should’ve said it a long time ago, but I was afraid. I’m so sorry, Clarke.”

Chapter Text

After I say her name, I hear Clarke’s sharp intake of breath and watch her shoulders tense. I’m finally able to look her in the eye and I watch them fill with wonder. Her eyes widen and dart around, taking everything in, and I should be relieved that she sees colors. This should be a good thing. It would be, if I hadn’t kept it to myself for so long. But now she’s bound to hate me. So force myself to remain frozen, barely able to keep myself from darting out of the room in my terror of her rejection.

A small smile graces Clarke’s lips as she looks around, turning her body in a small circle as she takes in the entirety of the colorful room. She gasps a few times during her slow rotation, clearly amazed at just how beautiful the world is when it’s seen as it is meant to be. Even through my terror, I feel a spark of happiness for her, glad that even though she’s bound to hate me, she’ll be happy with her colors and the new level this will add to her art.

She finishes her rotation and Clarke’s eyes focus back on me, the wonder that filled them moment ago drained completely, replaced with a fury I never thought she was even capable of. It takes everything in me to not flee, and I don’t even try to hide the cringe that’s a result of that terrible anger being directed at me. “Get out,” she growls.

I’m given the chance to leave, but I can’t take it. My body won’t move and I’m locked in place. “What?” I ask, my voice practically a whimper.

She takes an angry step forward, and even though she’s shorter than me, it feels like she towers over me and I duck my head, unable to face her. “I said get out! How could you keep this from me?! Damn it, Lexa, just get out of my house! You are so selfish! You’re selfish and a coward! You knew all along that we’re soulmates and you kept that from me! Even though you know how much I wanted this! You kept this from me for weeks because you were so afraid of being hurt that you wouldn’t even give me a chance! So get out!” she yells stalking toward me and causing me to take a step back, into the hallway.

“I’m so sorry,” I whisper, tears flowing freely now. I turn on my heel, darting down the hallway and out the front door.

I get in my car and drive. I don’t know where I’m going, but I know I can’t be here and I don’t want to go home. So I turn off my phone and drive. When my vision becomes too blurry to see, I pull over and curl up in my seat, sobs wracking my body and I let the tears fall freely. I don’t try to wipe them away, knowing I could never keep up.

I scream, hitting the steering wheel a few times. I scream at the universe for doing this to me. I scream at my dad for leaving us when I was little. I scream at Clarke for not understanding why I did it. I scream at Anya for not making me come clean sooner. Eventually, I run out of other people to blame and I scream at myself for ruining something that could have been great. I scream until I can’t anymore.

When that time comes, I slump back in my seat and my chest hurts from the force of my sobs. I can hardly breathe and my throat feels like it’s constricting on itself. That’s when I run out of tears and I’m left hyperventilating. Even that passes, though, and I’m left a hollow husk of pain. So I wipe at my face and start the car again. I pick a direction and I just drive. I don’t care where I end up so long as it’s not Clarke’s house.

It’s getting dark and I’m out of gas. I think about just getting out and running to the next town to buy and fill a gas can, but I’m not sure I can conjure up the energy for that kind of activity right now. After a few seconds of wondering what I’m going to do, I finally reach over and turn my phone back on, calling the first number that appears in the long list of missed calls, unheard voicemails, and unread texts.

“Lexa! Where the hell are you?” Anya’s worried voice asks when she picks up on the first ring and I shrug before I realize she can’t see me.

“I’m not sure. I’m out of gas,” I reply monotonously. She sighs and I close my eyes. Just great, yet another person I’ve disappointed.

“Can you figure out where you are?” she asks patiently and I open my eyes slowly. “Just look around and tell me what you see.” I do as I’m told. I see a sign for a B&B and I read off the name to my sister. “Ok. We’ll be there soon. Just stay where you are and maybe keep your doors locked, just in case.”

“I am perfectly capable of fighting off attackers, Anya,” I mutter but the only response is a click and dead air. I drop my phone, not bothering to look at any of the messages I’ve received.

A heavy tiredness settles over me and I close my eyes, letting it take over and pull me out of this painful consciousness.

I jerk awake when I hear pounding on my window and yelling. I jump and shove myself over to the passenger seat, away from the noises, wondering where I am and what I’m doing there. But then I see Anya and Lincoln peering in my window, shining a flashlight at me, and it all suddenly floods back. I scoot back over and open my door a crack.

“Did you bring gas?” I ask, glancing down at the gas can in Lincoln’s hand.

“Get out,” Anya orders and I shake my head.

“If you brought gas, I can drive myself back,” I reply. I glance at the gas gauge and see it’s a bit over half full. It’s enough to at least get me to a town if I can get away from these two.

“You’re not driving yourself anywhere. You don’t get to just run away from this. Come on,” Anya demands, grabbing my arm roughly and pulling me from the vehicle.

“I’m not running away,” I mutter, annoyed. “I’m giving us both space.”

“Yeah, well, you can do that in town. Now get in my damn car and come home,” Anya argues, pulling my arm again. I don’t have the energy to fight her, letting her pull me up until I’m standing. I notice Lincoln hasn’t spoken to me and I look at his face. He looks sad and disappointed and I can’t even bring myself to be upset. He should be furious. I promised this wouldn’t happen. I’m the worst.

I nod, walking to Anya’s car and climbing in the front seat. I watch Lincoln get in mine and hand my sister my phone. They talk for a moment before he’s closing the door and driving away and Anya’s coming over. She gets in and tosses my phone on my lap. I don’t look at it or her, leaning my head against the window and staring outside is all I can do. She sighs and starts the car, driving back home in silence. I don’t fall asleep on the way back, but I think she thinks I do because we stop at the house and she comes around and tries to lift me up to carry me inside like she used to when we were little and I fell asleep on the way home from big trips out of town.

I push her away and stand up, letting my phone fall to the ground as I do. We get on the porch and I only realize I still don’t have my keys when I try to open the door and I realize it should be locked even though it isn’t. So I go inside and I almost go straight up the stairs to my room, but a voice calls me back.

“Alexandria, come here,” Indra’s rough voice orders. I pause and it takes me a moment of standing with my eyes closed to find the energy to listen. I turn around and stand in the doorway to the living room, staring blankly at my aunt and uncle sitting on my couch. Both of their annoyed expressions soften when they see my face. I don’t know what’s there, I’m too tired to feel a whole lot of anything so it can’t be too sad.

“Aunt Indra, I think she’s tired. Maybe we should do this tomorrow?” Anya says gently, standing beside me and putting her hand on my shoulder. I jerk away from the touch but don’t look at her. Gustus’s still hardened expression completely breaks at that, turning to one of pity and despair.

Indra nods and stands up. She comes forward and hugs me, and I jerk away again, turning and trudging up the stairs before they can try and stop me again. I go to my room and crawl into bed, not bothering to change clothes or even take off my shoes. I simply lay on top of my blankets and close my eyes, praying for sleep to come and give me escape.

I wake up the next morning in a cold sweat. I can’t remember much from my dreams, just flashes of red and Clarke screaming at me to leave with tears streaming down her face. I open my eyes and look around frantically, taking in the light streaming through my windows and the numbers on my clock letting me know it’s nearly ten in the morning. I close my eyes again and focus on returning my breathing to normal, pushing away the nightmares from earlier this morning.

When I open my eyes next, it’s half an hour later and I can breathe much easier. I roll onto my back and stare up at the ceiling. I notice that at some point in the night someone, probably Anya, came in and took off my shoes and jeans and covered me up.

I sigh when I stand up, grabbing a loose tank and ball shorts for work, and head to the shower. I’m already a few hours late, taking a quick shower before I head out couldn’t hurt. When I come back to my room, I look at my nightstand for the first time and I see my phone on the charger, in the exact place that I leave it every night. I can’t stop myself when my hand reaches out and wakes it up, checking against hope for a text from Clarke. I don’t know what I’m expecting from her, but I just want a chance to talk to her about this whole situation. When there aren’t any notifications of any kind, I sigh and walk away, leaving the phone where it is.

Downstairs, I go straight to the kitchen to make myself some tea. A deep exhaustion settles over my bones, though, and I dismiss my usual ideal to not have coffee when I wake up this late in favor of getting a decent dose of caffeine flooding my system. I trudge through to the living room to pick up my bag and head out for the day when I freeze in the doorway.

“What’s going on here? I know for a fact I’m not the only one in this room who should be at work,” I state, looking around at the people gathered in the room. I look first to Anya and Lincoln disapprovingly seeing as they’re the ones I pay to be at the gym rather than my living room. Then I look to my aunt and uncle, Gustus should probably be at his restaurant by now and Indra should be doing whatever it is she does during the day. I know she doesn’t have a job right now, but she’s not the kind of person who can stay at home all day so she’s always out and about doing something. Instead, they’re all sitting or standing in my living room, looking at me expectantly.

“We were able to get people to cover for us. And you too,” Anya says carefully and I scoff and shake my head.

I pick my bag up and swing it over my shoulder. “Thanks for making sure my morning was covered, but I’m off now.”

“No you aren’t, Alexandria,” Aunt Indra calls after me. I freeze momentarily but I don’t turn around to look at the woman. “We are concerned.”

I turn around and take a deep breath, calming myself and pushing back any emotions for the moment so I can speak calmly. “I understand and appreciate your concern. But I am fine and we should all just go on with our lives. I am going to take my own advice now and go to work, if that is okay?” Aunt Indra nods so I dip my head to the woman and I’m out the door before anyone can call me back.

I work robotically, teaching my classes mechanically and walking the perimeter of the gym to watch and make sure no one hurts themselves without pausing to chat with anyone. Some of the regulars notice that my behavior is off but they leave it alone and go one with their workouts like normal. My coworkers express their surprise when I come in for work, but at my flat gaze and lack of response they, too, learn to let it go.

When it comes time to go home, I do so without even saying goodbye to anyone. I start up the car and turn the radio off quickly when a song I recognize as one Clarke loves is playing. So I drive home in silence and when I get home, I sit on the couch and stare blankly at the TV. It’s not on and the black screen could never provide me the answers I’m searching for, but I stare as if it can.

Anya comes home about an hour after I do and she comes to stand in front of me with her hands on her hips. “Have you eaten today?” she questions and I tear my gaze from the blank screen to look up at her. She’s watching me carefully but there’s a hint of annoyance in her features that I understand all too well. I shake my head slowly and her shoulders heave with the force of her sigh and she closes her eyes for a moment before she turns on her heel and goes to the kitchen with a shake of her head.

A few moment or an hour later, I’m not sure, she comes back with a bowl of pasta. I take it from her and eat slowly despite the sudden gnawing hunger in my stomach. She watches me while I eat and I ignore it. When I finish, only having eaten half of what she brought me, I set the bowl on the coffee table and look out the window, almost cringing when I see Lincoln and Octavia talking outside his house. They aren’t as perky as usual and I know that’s my fault. They actually almost look like they’re fighting but they’re too perfect to fight so I think I’m just making things up.

Before I know what I’m doing, I’m up and out of the house. I walk slowly across the street with my head hanging in shame. Their talking falls silent as they watch me approach and I can’t look Octavia in the face.

“How is she?” I ask, my voice barely there and I’d be afraid that Octavia didn’t hear it if not for the sigh she lets out immediately upon my question.

I peer up at her through my unshed tears and the obvious anger on her face slips for a second and I hate that. I don’t have any right to appear broken enough to gain pity from her friends. Clarke is the one who’s hurt and I did that to her, I don’t deserve this. “Not good. She’s pissed and heartbroken and you should probably leave her alone for a while,” Octavia responds and I wonder what that pointed glance at Lincoln means. I see his shoulders drop and his face fall and I understand it though. Octavia spins and leaves, roaring away on her motorcycle and leaving Lincoln and me standing in his yard.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, looking at the man who may as well be my brother. “I should have listened to you and said something earlier. I’m so sorry.”

He shakes his head and frowns, but he still reaches over and squeezes my shoulder gently. “Don’t apologize to me. We’ll work through this. Focus on figuring out how you’re going to make this up to Clarke.” I flinch at the sound of her name and shake my head.

“I can’t. I’ve ruined it and I just need to let her get on with her life,” I mutter, walking back to my house.

“What just happened?” Anya asks when I get back to the living room.

“How are you and Raven?” I question carefully, hoping she doesn’t give me the answer I’m expecting.

She hesitates to answer and that’s all the reply I need. “We’ll work it out. Right now she needs to be there for her best friend and I need to be here for my sister. But we’ll be fine,” she replies and I scoff and shake my head angrily.

“Is there a single relationship I haven’t fucked up?” I ask, all of my anger seeping into that one question.

Anya stands and hugs me and I let her because I have a feeling that this hug is more for her than me. “Things are just hard right now. It’ll be fine, I promise. Just, please, take care of yourself until that happens. I don’t want to have to add worrying about your safety on top of everything else.”

I nod and Anya gives me the tiniest hint of a smile before pulling back and moving to sit the two of us on the couch so she can put on some trashy reality TV that we can mock and talk about nothing. If I contribute little to nothing to the conversations, Anya doesn’t mention it and for that I am grateful.

A few hours later, I’ve almost fallen asleep with my head resting on the arm of the couch. My feet stretch over to rest in Anya’s lap and she’s kneading my calf gently as she watches whatever movie is playing at this point. The front door opens and Anya carefully lifts my feet so she can stand up without disturbing me too much. I stay still, hoping that feigning sleep will help put this conversation off for a bit longer.

“Hey. She’s asleep on the couch so be quiet,” Anya greets whoever it is and I hear scuffling as the people who came in move closer to the living room. My knees curl up to my chest and I shiver at the sudden chill from the door opening. I don’t hear anyone walk over, but suddenly a blanket is being draped over me and I recognize the rough hand that pushes my hair from my face as Aunt Indra’s.

“She’s not okay, is she?” Uncle Gustus asks quietly and I almost give up my façade to storm out of the room and away from this talk.

Anya sighs and I can just picture her frown. “She’s acting like she did after Mom died. I’m worried she’s going to try and run off again.” I think back to when I was ten years old, shortly after my mom died. We were shipped off to live with Uncle Gus and Aunt Indra and I wouldn’t even speak to anyone. It only took a few days of living with them and seeing how upset they were, thinking it was because of me, before I decided it would be for the best if I left. So I ran away and I made it a full week before I was found and brought home. That week was hard on everyone and I know Anya has always worried that any little thing could make me do it again.

“She’s a grown woman, Anya. If she wants to leave we can’t stop her,” Indra sighs and I fight the urge to cringe at the sadness in her tone.

“That doesn’t mean I have to accept it,” Anya replies and I hear her leave the room. The sound of the fridge opening and closing barely carries from the kitchen, the clinking of a beer bottle against others as it’s removed much more clear. The others follow Anya out of the room and I crack an eye open to check if the coast is clear yet.

“I always could tell when you were faking,” Uncle Gustus says quietly, moving forward to sit next to me.

I sigh and run a hand through my hair, hiding in the blanket. “I messed up, Uncle Gus…” I mutter and he smiles sadly.

“I know, kiddo. But this isn’t like my sister and Titus. You’ll make it through this and Clarke will forgive you eventually. I have faith in you two,” he replies, reaching over and pulling me into his side. I relax against the man, letting him hold me and stroke my hair, humming the same tune he always used to after I woke up from nightmares when we first moved in with him and Aunt Indra.

I’m close to falling asleep again when he speaks up. “Please don’t run away again, Lex. I can only go through that so many times,” he murmurs and I lift my head just enough to peer up at him.

“I only ran away once?” I question, fighting back a yawn.

He shakes his head and that sad smile comes back. “Maybe literally, but you may as well have run away after Costia.”

Chapter Text

*Flashback to a few days after Lexa and Anya move in with Gustus, Indra, and Lincoln*

“Lexa, come on! You can’t just never talk again!” Anya says, clearly angry. Her anger just makes me more afraid, though, so I just stare up at her with wide eyes and lift my knees up onto the chair so I can curl in on myself. “I lost my mom too! Stop acting like you’re the only one to lose someone here!” Anya jumps up from her seat and I cringe away from her, and I notice the way her face falls when she sees that.

Lincoln walks into the room, his arms loaded up with games. “Hey, guys. Wanna play?” His voice is filled with hope and I wonder if being eleven and having your home invaded by a sad ten year old who refuses to speak and a fourteen year old who takes out her anger on the world around her is as horrible as it seems.

Anya just scoffs and leaves the room, shaking her head disappointedly at me. Lincoln looks at me hopefully and I don’t respond in any way. He comes forward and sets the games on the table, picking out his favorite. He sets it up and everything and waits a few seconds for me to take the first turn. When it’s clear I’m not going to, he takes it. I slowly reach forward and draw a card, taking my turn. This seems to excite him, and he starts talking about his friends at school and how great it’ll be when we start going next Monday.

By the time we’re nearly finishing the game, his dad is getting home from work. “Hey, kiddos! Where’s Anya?” he asks, smiling at the scene before him. I look up at him and just barely shrug.

“I think she went to her room. She’s really mad again,” Lincoln says and Uncle Gus sighs.

He comes forward and rests his hand on the back of my chair as he looks at the game board. “You two having fun?” Lincoln nods but I stare ahead, taking my turn and trying not to let my uncle’s sad sigh get to me. “Alright, I’m going to try and talk to Anya. I’ll be back soon.” With that, he leaves the room and Lincoln’s clearly upset. He covers it up by resuming his excited chatter, though.

A few minutes later, Uncle Gustus comes back with an angry Anya following after him begrudgingly. “We’re having a movie night. You three go pick something to watch and I’ll start on supper.”

I follow Lincoln and Anya into the living room, where I curl up on the floor with my back against the couch. Anya actually goes to the shelves of movies with Lincoln, looking them over with him and bickering about what to watch. They both keep looking back at me and trying to get my opinion, but I just watch them silently. Eventually they stop trying and agree on a movie.

After they pick something, Lincoln goes back to the kitchen to see if his dad is almost done cooking yet. Anya comes over and sits behind me, reaching down to start braiding my hair. “I’m sorry I yelled at you earlier,” she says regretfully. The sadness is back in her voice and it makes me miss her anger. “I just really want you to talk to me. I can’t take care of you if you don’t tell me what you need,” she pleads. I turn around to look at her, and her eyes are shining with tears and I know it’s my fault. All of the sadness in this house is my fault.

Gustus and Lincoln comes back then, each carrying two plates of food. They take in the situation and Lincoln looks back at his dad nervously, like he doesn’t know what to do. “You guys hungry?” Uncle Gustus asks, and Anya mutters out a yes, reaching out to accept a plate from him before his sits next to her. Lincoln comes over to give me a plate before retreating to sit next on the other side of his dad.

Halfway through the movie, Aunt Indra comes home. Gustus goes into the kitchen and it’s clear to all of us that they’re having a quiet conversation about Anya and me. When they come back, it’s with forced smiles and sympathetic glances.

That night, after we’re sent to bed, I stay up for a few hours until I’m sure that everyone else has fallen asleep. Then go to my closet and get my backpack that used to be filled with everything I’ll need for school, but that I emptied and repurposed. Everyone is so miserable here and I know it’s my fault, first for being the reason my mom died, then for not talking and being so sad all the time. So I decided early this morning that I just needed to leave so I could let them be happy. I don’t have much of a plan aside from the fact that I can’t be here. I can’t keep making people sad like I have been. I figured I could go back home and live there, as long as I avoid the kitchen it should be fine.

It’s not hard to sneak out, my aunt and uncle too trusting that we would all be asleep. The hard part comes when I realize I don’t know how to get back home. I wander around for a really long time, avoiding people whenever I can. I think I have a general idea of where I’m going and I’m small enough that it’s easy to hide when I need to. Finding places to sleep isn’t all that hard either. I didn’t realize how hard it would be to find food when my supply ran out, though. I probably should’ve brought more money, but I didn’t have much saved up and I’ve already taken enough without resorting to stealing.

I do eventually manage to find our house after days of wandering. It’s the middle of the night and the back door is unlocked, so I’m able to walk right in. I go straight to my room, starving but not wanting to go to the kitchen, assuming it would still be stocked like it was when we left but not wanting to think about what I saw there. So I curl up on the bed that’s still in my room, missing the stuffed animals that used to fill it and the desk that used to stand in the corner with all my books stacked on top. I fall asleep quickly, though, exhausted after the long day of walking around.

I wake up the next morning to some guy saying my name like it’s a question. I blink blurrily up at him and the next time he asks my name, I nod. “Alright, Lexa, can you come with me?” he asks and I rub the sleep from my eyes, shaking my head no. I lower my hand and look at him again, this time taking in his police uniform. “You can’t stay here, Lexa. You need to come with me.” He holds out his hand and I stare at it, shaking my head more violently and pushing myself back into the corner of my bed, shielding myself with my blanket. “Your family is worried, Lexa. You’ve been missing for a week, you need to go home.”

The policeman moves toward the bed, reaching forward and trying to pick me up. “No!” I scream, kicking and squirming violent to try and stay out of his grasp. He keeps trying though, continuing to try and tell me I need to go home. “No! This is my home!” I continue screaming and crying, grabbing the bedpost and holding on for dear life.

I barely notice people coming into the room, but the man does and he backs away, looking to them for help. I don’t notice that he stops trying though, and I keep crying and screaming about not wanting to leave. Someone comes forward and lays and hand on my shoulder, but I swing an arm out to push them away, punching and kicking violently when they don’t leave. Eventually I recognize Anya’s voice saying my name through my screams and sobs and I look over and make out her blurry form through my tears.

I collapse, exhausted and starving, and she pulls me tight against her. I feel her sobs shake her body as she holds me and I wonder if I did the wrong thing. “Please don’t leave me, Lexa. You’re all I have left,” she cries, rocking us as she holds me.

After a few minutes, I allow my sister to guide me away from the bed and downstairs to the car. I freeze on the sidewalk, staring at the car and the people waiting next to it. Anya’s crying has subsided a bit and she stops with me, kneeling down to be eye level with me. “What’s wrong?”

I take a step closer so I can whisper to her. “I don’t want to go with them. I just make everyone sad.”

Anya pulls me into a tight hug, and I basically collapse in her arms, the stress from the past week and my hunger finally taking over. “Oh, Lexa,” she whimpers into my hair. “You don’t make anyone sad. Please come home. I need you.” I nod against her shoulder and she picks me up, carrying me the final few feet to the car. I can’t bear to look at my family’s faces, sure they’ll all be angry at me.

“Can I have a hug, too?” Uncle Gus asks, opening the door to the backseat for us. I can barely lift my head to look at him fearfully, but all I see is relief on his face. So I nod slowly and allow him to pull me against him tightly and hold me for a minute. I look over his shoulder to see Aunt Indra talking with the policeman, the two of them shooting worried glances in our direction every few seconds.

After Uncle Gustus releases me, he helps me into the back seat where I immediately crawl into my sister’s side, barely refraining from crawling into her lap. I look out the closing door to see Indra coming over to talk with Gustus before I’m distracted by the door on the other side of the car opening. Lincoln climbs in and he peers at me curiously. “Why’d you do it?”

I cringe away from the boy and his question, pressing myself harder against Anya, who wraps her arms around me. I stretch up to whisper in her ear again. “Do you promise I don’t just make people sad?” She rubs her hand up and down my arm and nods her head.

“Hey, Linc, do you mind asking if we can get that blanket she was covering up with? She’s freezing,” Anya requests and Lincoln nods his head eagerly and jump out of the car to go talk to his parents. Once he’s gone, Anya turns back to me with a small smile. “Everyone is sad now because you ran away, but I promise you don’t have that effect on people. We’re all sad about Mom, but we love you, alright?”

I nod and relax against her, yawning and blinking my eyes slowly and tiredly. I don’t ask if they hate me for killing Mom, afraid of hearing that break in Anya’s voice that happens anytime she talks about her. The front doors open and Aunt Indra and Uncle Gustus get in, looking back at us. Aunt Indra opens her mouth to say something, but words tumble out of my mouth first. “Can we go get food? I’m starving.”

Uncle Gustus chuckles and shakes his head. “I bet you are, kiddo. We can go anywhere you want.” I nod and rest my head on Anya’s shoulder.

“Lexa,” Aunt Indra starts and I hum in response, my eyes barely staying open. “Can you promise us you’ll never do this again. You can’t just run away when you don’t like how things are.”

I’m not able to force my eyes back open or form words to respond, falling asleep quickly and heavily. I wake up a half an hour later when the smell of food floods the car and my stomach rumbles loudly. Everyone laughs at the sound when it startles me awake, and I relax at the joyous sounds, even if they are tinged with fear and sadness.

I eat quickly, even as Anya scolds me to go slower, and as soon as my food is gone, I fall asleep against my sister’s shoulder again. The next time I wake up, it’s in Anya’s arms as she’s carrying me into my room at our aunt and uncle’s house.

“I’m sorry for running away,” I murmur against her neck, holding her close to me when she sets me down and tries to move away.

“I’m sorry you felt like you had to,” she whispers in reply.

“Can you stay with me?” I request sleepily, already feeling myself start to nod off again.

Anya kicks off her shoes and climbs into bed, holding me close to her. “Always.”

Chapter Text

Tuesday rolls around far too soon, and I find myself sitting at my desk doing paperwork when I should be getting ready for my class. I glance up when Anya walks in, an eyebrow raised when she sees me at my desk.

“What are you doing?” she questions and I shove some papers around.

“Work. You know, because that’s what I’m here for,” I point out and she smirks at my defensiveness.

She takes a step forward and looks at the papers I have spread out. “Really? Because those are all either already filled out and ready to go or not going to be needed for a couple more weeks,” Anya points out, picking up a paper that I don’t even actually have to do anything with. I snatch it back and shove it in a drawer, the bills are my concern and I don’t need her worrying that I can’t handle it. “And anyway,” she says, going over to her desk to grab some supplies for hand wrappings, “I am working. My client didn’t realize he was expected to provide his own wrapping.”

Anya begins to walk out of the room, but she glances back at me at the doorway, raising her eyebrow. She glances at her wrist exaggeratedly and I bite back a snarky comment about her not even wearing a watch, going with simply rolling my eyes instead. “Don’t you have a class to teach?” Her voice lowers with her concern and I sigh, nodding slowly.

“I was thinking about asking Lincoln to cover for me…” I mutter, looking past my sister at the kids already running into the gym excitedly. I stand up slowly, groaning as I stretch my muscles after a few hours of just sitting at my desk and hiding from the world.

Anya smiles when she sees me stand. “I’m not sure he could handle all their energy,” Anya remarks and I manage to get a bit of a smile on my face for her.

“You’re probably right. Aden is probably going to kill me, though,” I say sadly, glancing at the excited boy as he comes back into the main area of the gym after seeing I’m not in the room yet.

Anya laughs and drops her arm on my shoulders, walking me out of the office. “I’ll make sure your funeral is amazing. And Aden will take care of Clarke for you, I’m sure,” she chuckles and I shove her away, rolling my eyes dramatically.

I glance at my watch after Anya peels away from me to go deal with her client. I’m happy to see it’s time to start the class already, unsure if I have the energy to entertain the kids for any amount of time.

“Lexa!” Aden calls when he sees me, darting over to wrap his arms around me. I ruffle the boy’s hair, forcing a wide smile when I look down at him.

“Hey, bud! You ready for class?” I ask and he grins up at me, nodding excitedly. I lead the way to the rest of the kids, who all fall into place when I make my way to the front of the room. The class itself passes quickly and easily, but after is when I’m worried about anyway.

I announce that class is over and the kids all look around expectantly, searching for Clarke and the treats she has brought every session since the first one. “Where’s Clarke?” Aden speaks up eventually and everyone turns their expectant gazes on me.

I feel my breath catch in my throat and I worry I won’t be able to respond. “She’s not coming,” I choke out, barely able to form the words.

“Why not?” Tris asks, confused and disappointed.

I take a deep breath and close my eyes for a moment before reopening them and answering her question. “She’s busy. She has a lot of tests and projects before she gets her summer break, so she might not make the next few classes,” I explain, feeling like I’m not technically lying. She is busy with her end of the semester flood of work, especially since she’s put everything off until the last minute. “I’m sure Anya would be more than happy to hang out and probably even share her snacks with you if you ask.”

This doesn’t seem to excite any of the kids and I understand they just like hanging out with Clarke, but they accept my answer and go back into the main part of the gym to find Anya. Judging by the past couple weeks, their parents probably won’t start showing up here for at least 15 more minutes, most of them are appreciative of Clarke and her ability to entertain their kids for a bit longer before they have to return home.

I smirk when Anya is engulfed by the children. She looks to me in confusion and I just shrug before mouthing that I’m going home for the day. That’s the last class I teach on Tuesdays and I don’t have any paperwork left to do, so there’s really no point in staying at the gym any longer. Of course, I could stay and work out until my entire body and mind is numb, but I’d rather not have to deal with Lincoln’s sad kicked-puppy face anymore or the way he’s careful not to act upset about Octavia around me to try and avoid making me feel even worse.

I drive straight home, but I’m too restless to just relax and watch something on TV. After starting and stopping several shows, I decide to just give up and play music on my phone while I wander downstairs. I look around the basement, frowning at all the boxes of random crap we’ve thrown down here after not knowing what else to do with it.

Before I even process what I want to accomplish, I start going through the boxes, stacking the ones we should keep against one wall and hauling everything else out to the curb for the garbage people to pick up tomorrow morning. Then I get in my car and drive across town to the store I buy all the supplies for the gym at.

By the time Anya gets home, I’m all sweaty and half the basement has been converted into a home gym. I’m just arranging the oversize bean bag chairs I put down there for when we’re too lazy to go back upstairs to rest after a workout when my sister comes down the stairs slowly.

I glance up when my music is turned down, frowning when it’s not loud enough to drown out my thoughts anymore. “What are you doing home? Shouldn’t you still be at work?” I question, raising an eyebrow accusingly.

“It’s eight, Lex. What’s this? You realize you literally own a gym, right?” she counters and I shrug.

“I don’t want to go there on my days off if I want a good workout. Plus, the people at the supply store love me for some reason so it was cheap enough,” I reply, looking around proudly. “It’s nice, though, isn’t it?”

“Yes, Lexa,” Anya sighs, running a hand through her hair. “You’re excellent at making gyms.”

I frown at my sister, almost pouting. “You don’t like it? I just think we have a nice basement and it should be used. We can return all this and do something else if you want.”

“So, what? You interior design to avoid facing your problems now?” I scowl at my sister’s accusation, swatting at a punching bag absentmindedly.

“I’m not avoiding anything…” I grumble, not looking at Anya so I can’t see her usual knowing smirk when she knows I’m lying. “I’m not the one avoiding anyone. I can’t make the first move. She doesn’t want to see me.”

Anya sighs and steps forward, tossing a towel at me. “Whatever you say. Now go shower, you stink.”

I look up the stairs, wishing I didn’t have to climb them. I glance back at the bean bag chairs, thinking about just dropping on one of them and refusing to move instead. It’s only when I think about ruining a brand new thing with my sweat and overall grossness at the moment that I decide I should just shower. “We should install a shower down here. Or a full bathroom, whichever you’d prefer,” I comment as I pass Anya to go back up to my bathroom.

When I wander back downstairs after my shower, I almost turn around again when I hear Anya talking to someone. She sounds upset and I wonder if something bad has happened. “Ahn?” I call instead, walking toward the living room. “What’s up, bro?”

I hear her mutter that she’s got to go and when I get to the doorway she looks up and tosses her phone to the other end of the couch. “So I was thinking, how about we have some fun sister’s night tonight? I promise I won’t bring anyone else over to try and talk about your feelings.”

I slowly slip onto the chair, kicking my feet up on the coffee table just to pout when I just barely don’t reach. I slouch down the chair so the curve of my spine can’t possibly be healthy, but my feet hit the coffee table with a satisfying clunk. “Who were you talking to?” I ask, gesturing at the phone once I’m comfortable and Anya is watching me judgmentally.

Anya’s judging facial expression drops and she glances at the object. “Just ordering some pizza. There’s literally no better way to start sister’s night than a pizza,” she replies and I decide not to push it. She’ll talk when she’s ready and if she never is I understand. After all, it could easily have to do with Raven and I get it if she doesn’t want to talk to the reason they broke up about the break up.

“Are you sure you’re not just plotting something terrible to get revenge for me sicking those kids on you earlier?” I question, assuming it’s a sound concern. She smirks in a way that leaves me wondering what her lack of response means.

The doorbell rings, though, and I’m left to ponder her response when she goes to answer the door. When she comes back with a couple boxes of pizza, I don’t mention that they got here too soon for that to possibly be who she was on the phone with. We eat our pizza in silence, but that’s more due to the fact that neither of us have ever been much for talking during meals than the fact that we’re both walking on eggshells around each other.

When we finish, Anya stands in the doorway, watching me with her hands on her hips. “Alright,” she declares, clapping her hands and raising an eyebrow when I continue to just stare at her from where I’ve migrated to lay on the floor. “Get up. We’re going out. You need to quit moping about Clarke.”

I look to the calendar on the wall then back at Anya incredulously. “It’s been two days,” I deadpan.

“Yes. But you are miserable to be around so come on. We are going to one of those lesbian coffee shops,” Anya declares, smirking as if it’s a brilliant idea.

This time, my eyes dart to the clock and I furrow my brow. “It’s nine at night. And we don’t even have any of those hear. I’m not sure they really exist. Are you sure you haven’t just watched Faking It a bit too much?”

Anya’s shoulders just hardly drop at that observation as if I’ve destroyed the best plan she’s ever had. She purses her lips and watches me for a moment. “Well, we can’t go to the gym and you just showered so you’d refuse paintball I’m sure…”

I sigh and stand up. “Fine, how about I just go upstairs and put on some real clothes and we can go to the museum. I won’t even complain when you make your stupid comments and make fun of everything.”

Anya’s face brightens and she nods, even smiling as she rushes to her room to change clothes. I shake my head and laugh at how childlike she can be as I go upstairs to my own room. “By the way,” I call on my way past her room, “I can sulk all I want. I screwed up things with my soulmate. I’m allowed to be sad.”

Anya pokes her head into my room as I’m buttoning up my shirt. “You’re allowed to be sad, yes. But you aren’t sad. You’re crawling into that wall of yours and I’m making sure you don’t end up hiding in your bed for a week straight.”

I frown and avert my eyes, knowing that she’s right. I did pretty well today, but I’m right on track to blocking out everyone and hiding out alone.

Anya sighs and steps into my room, pulling me against her side in a half hug. “Oh, come on, kid. That’s where you’re supposed to say ‘nothing I do in that bed is straight’ and I’m supposed to gag at my kid sister talking about her sex life.”

“Four years,” I grumble and Anya laughs, pulling me out of the room and towards the door.

“There you are! I knew I could get something out of you! Just gotta poke in the right places,” she cheers. My eyes widen and I dart out of her grip, sure a poke attack is coming on and that always transforms into a tickle fight. My sister laughs as she watches me dart out of the house and it’s a nice sound to hear after these last couple days.

I drive us to the museum and Anya relaxes in the passenger seat, flicking the radio on and scowling when she sees I’ve got it turned to country. “Since when do you like this crap?” she questions accusingly and I shrug.

“Since I decided it’s not crap,” I mutter but she just scoffs and flips through the stations to find something more satisfying to her. She pauses on a station for too long and I feel my breath freeze in my throat as if it’s a physical thing when Clarke’s favorite song is on. I sloppily hit the button to turn of the radio, accidentally turning the volume up on my first try. I groan my frustration and stab at the button, finally getting the damn thing off.

“I understand the country now,” Anya mutters after watching the entire ordeal.

Anya doesn’t try to turn the radio of for the rest of the drive and I make no attempts at conversation. We just ride in silence aside from the ragged sounds of my breathing before I get it under control again.
When we get to the museum, we’re both mostly able to pretend nothing happened. We go to the entrance to buy our tickets and the man behind the glass looks at us quizzically. “You know, most people prefer their visits during the day,” he remarks.

“Yeah, well, what can I say? We’re the extra special kind of people,” Anya says and I sigh. “And you’re seriously telling me we’re the only people here right now?”

“Well, no, but it’s strange to get people so late,” he defends and I grab my sister’s arm, dragging her away from the poor guy.

“Not everything is a confrontation, you know,” I grumble and she simply laughs at my annoyance.

We walk through the museum, stopping at almost every exhibit. Anya makes dumb comments about all of them, but I actually read the plaque descriptions of anything I haven’t seen before. When we go through the garden, I mutter out a few facts about my favorite plants and Anya pretends it’s not weird for me to not be talking her ear off with information about everything there.

For the most part, we’re actually having a decent time. But then again, all good things must come to an end.

The only part of the building left to explore is the art wing. Anya offers to just skip it, but I shake my head. “It’s just art. Clarke doesn’t have sole ownership of all things art.” So we go in and I barely allow time to stop in front of any of the pieces. It’s enough that I got myself in here, we don’t need to spend more time than necessary on it.

Anya pulls me to a stop by one of the sculptures. “Why do they always just have their dicks out?” she questions, her brow furrowed.

“I don’t know, Ahn. Why are you so focused on his penis? Is this your way of saying it’s been too long?” I counter, rolling my eyes.

She shoves me and smirks, moving on slowly to the next painting. “No, of course not. I just don’t understand all the nudity in art,” she replies.

I open my mouth to reply, but when I turn to look at my sister all air is sucked out of my lungs and I’m left standing with my mouth open and surely a dumb look on my face. All I can focus on, though, are the familiar blue eyes staring at us with wide range of emotions present in their shining depths. Shock, sadness, and anger the most prominent.

Chapter Text

I hear Anya’s muttered, “Oh shit,” beside me and suddenly the world is moving again. I’m frozen with my eyes locked on Clarke’s, the hurt in her eyes feeling like a physical pain in my own chest. My eyes are only torn away from the tumultuous blue when I see Anya moving forward out of the corner of my eye.

“Hey, guys. I wasn’t expecting to see you here?” Anya says, her voice rising in uncertainty toward the end of her statement. Under any other circumstances I would laugh over the great Anya not being sure of herself, but now my eyes just widen when I see past Clarke and notice who she’s with.

I hold my breath when I see Raven, Octavia, and Abby standing just behind Clarke, watching the interaction carefully. Any chance I had of breathing any time soon is gone when I note the fire in Octavia and Abby’s eyes, as if they’re ready to skin me alive if I do so much as breathe wrong. Then there’s Raven, who’s looking at my sister like a kicked puppy and I suspect Anya would be wearing a similar expression if I glanced at her. The urge to flee takes over and I’m only held here by Anya’s strong grip on my wrist and I don’t know when that happened but I’m almost grateful for it.

Well, I was grateful for it until she started dragging me carefully closer to the group of women less than ten feet away from us. I plant my feet on the ground, but there comes a point where if I continued to not move with her I’d look like a petulant child and I don’t need anything more piling onto reasons for them to dislike me.

“What are you doing here? Don’t you have work at seven tomorrow morning?” Clarke asks eventually, finding her voice before any of the rest of us. She glances at the watch on her wrist, looking away from me for less than a second before her gaze finds mine again.

I shrug and open my mouth to respond, but I’m not sure if the air that lodged itself in my throat when I first saw her here has even moved at all. I end up closing my mouth again and clearing my throat before I can speak. “Uhm. Ye-yeah,” I stutter out, mentally face palming at not being able to form more coherent words than that.

Anya swoops in to save me, squeezing my wrist gently. “We needed a sister night. This nerd loves museums.” Her voice isn’t as strong and confident as usual and I cringe at the knowledge that it’s my fault she’s this nervous.

“Isn’t it so exciting seeing it all in color for the first time? Oh wait, you’ve had weeks of this,” Octavia says sarcastically and I’m able to keep my shoulders square, not letting her words get to me. Until I see the flash of hurt in Clarke’s eyes and I can’t refuse my body the urge to crumble just a bit. My shoulders drop and my chin lowers and I’m almost confident it’s not enough for most people to see, but Clarke’s not most people and the look of her face lets me know she definitely noticed.

“Octavia,” Clarke scolds and I shake my head.

“No, she’s right. I was a dick. It was a dick move. I’ll just go,” I pause, taking a deep breath and closing my eyes. When I open them again I can’t make myself look at Clarke, knowing I won’t be able to say what I have to next if I look at her. “You have color now, that’s what you’ve always wanted, right? You’re free to go find someone who’s good for you and maybe even focus more on your art now. I’ll just… I’m going to go home and you’re free.”

I turn and walk out, able to maintain a calm pace until I get out of that room before I start jogging. I swipe at my tears furiously as I go, mad that they’re even falling. I screwed this up, everything that has happened is my own fault, I have no right to be sad about it. I reduce my speed to a walk, choking on a sob and biting my lip to try and keep any noises from escaping.

“Lexa!”

I stop walking when I hear her call my name, not moving away, but not turning to look at her. I reach up and wipe my tears away again, closing my eyes forcefully and hoping to keep any more at bay until she lets me leave.

“You can’t just do that! You can’t tell me I’m free and walk away! I don’t want to be free! I don’t care about the damn colors or the art!” Clarke yells and I remain frozen, waiting for her to continue. She’s quiet for a few seconds and I wonder what she’s doing. I get my answer when she speaks next and her voice is much closer than before. “I’m in love with you, Alexandria Woods. I knew that was a fact when I was chasing you across at beach in the middle of the night. Thinking back on it, though, I probably fell the instant I met you. And I promise you, you’re as good for me as it gets.”

I sigh and shake my head, still not turning around to face her. “That’s not true and you know it. I did the worst thing I could have possibly done to you.”

Clarke grabs my wrist and spins me around, cutting off any further comments I could make. “You hurt me, yes. But I’m just hurt that you didn’t trust me to work through all this with you. I understand why you did it. God, do I understand. I can’t even imagine how scared you must’ve been and I’m not going to say I was wrong to react the way I did, I was shocked and angry and I had a right to be. But please, don’t walk away. We can’t fix anything if we can’t even see each other.”

I drag my eyes up from my shoes to look into Clarke’s eyes. I see the honesty there and I swallow hard, swallowing all the doubts trying to tell me to run. I nod slowly and Clarke’s lips lift into a shy smile. “Great,” she whispers before leaning up on her toes to press her lips against mine in a gentle kiss. I know I could easily lose myself in her kiss as I melt against her and my lips form to the clouds that are her lips. She pulls away too soon though, leaving me staring at her longingly, wishing for more.

“We have a lot to talk about before we move forward. I’m still hurt and I need to be able to trust that you won’t just run away again when things get tough. And I need you to know why this was such a big deal to me, because it’s not as simple as wanting to perfect my art skills,” Clarke murmurs, peering up at me with her shimmering blue eyes. I nod my head slowly, watching her eyes for any sign as to what she wants to share with me. I’ve always known we both have our secrets and difficulties in our pasts, but Clarke has always seemed like such an open book. It’s hard to guess what may be coming with her.

“Come on,” I say, taking a step back and holding my hand out to the blonde. She takes it and follows as I lead us back through the museum. “We should probably find the others. I imagine Anya’s not very happy with us for leaving her with your pissed off friends right now.”

“They are pretty pissed. They just don’t understand, though. It wasn’t my place to tell them what I know so they could understand too,” Clarke explains and I nod thankfully at her. “Raven does know about your parents, though.”

I freeze, tensed when I try to figure out why Clarke would tell her. I don’t like my past being common knowledge and I don’t appreciate it being shared without my permission. If Raven knows, then Octavia probably knows and I’ve known Octavia long enough to realize that she doesn’t believe in keeping secrets. Soon enough, everyone will know and everyone will think I’m weak and that’s not good for the gym.

I’m pulled out of my thought be a gentle squeeze to my hand. I look down to where it’s still holding Clarke’s, our fingers intertwined. I stare at our connected hands, the sole place where we are currently touching. The squeeze was obviously a grounding technique, but I just stare at our hands and I see how mine is giant compared to hers. And if this was one of those cheesy romance novels, I would make some connection and think that means I can protect her from the world. But I’m the one that’s been hurting her, I’m the one she needs protection from, so the only connection I can see is the one that drags her happy life down to the level I’ve been stuck at.

I try to pull my hand from hers, it’s probably for the best if I just move and take over my second gym. Anya’s qualified to take care of this one. I trust her.

Clarke squeezes tighter and I can’t get away. Why won’t she just give me my hand? Why can’t she see that I’m terrible for her?

She tugs and I stumble towards her before finding my footing and standing solidly still almost full arm’s length away. Was that what she was looking for? She needs proof of how weak I am before she lets me go? She needs to always know that she was the stronger of the two of us?

She steps forward, watching me carefully and I don’t know what she’s doing. I try to step back, bewildered, but she still has my damn hand and holds me still. Can she see the terror in my eyes? Is that why she’s watching me like a panicked animal?

I don’t even realize my breathing is irregular until Clarke steps forward, close enough to hug if she lifts her arms, but they remain at her side with my hand grasped tightly in hers. She tells me to breathe and counts down for me, but her voice sounds like it’s far away. I wonder for a moment if I’m not even awake and her agreeing to talk to me was all a dream.

I lean forward, deciding I don’t have anything to lose if this is just a really weird dream, and feel Clarke’s arms wrap around me in a hug. She breathes deliberately slow and deep and I feel my body automatically slowing to match her.

“You want to tell me what brought that panic attack on?” Clarke asks gently when I’m breathing properly and I straighten up out of her embrace.

I shrug and look down, avoiding Clarke’s eyes like she’s Medusa. Or, well, I suppose I’d be Medusa. “Why does Raven know about Mom?” I ask, avoiding the question. I don’t know how to tell her how weak I am or how afraid I am of people realizing that information.

“You think I told her,” Clarke says, realization dawning in her voice. “Lexa, I wouldn’t do that. Anya told her what she knows. Raven hasn’t told anyone though. She barely even mentioned to me that she knew.”

I duck my head, feeling stupid now for thinking that Clarke would betray me like that. “So Octavia doesn’t know?” I question quietly and Clarke steps into my space again, placing a finger under my chin and urging me to lift my head to look at her. She shakes her head slowly and I nod. “I’m sorry. I should have trusted you.” I cringe when I realize what I said. After all, my not trusting her as much as I should is the root of all our problems.

“It’s fine. I know you like your private life to be just that. Now, are you ready to go back and face everyone? Or I can text Ray and let them know we need to head out if you’re too tired,” Clarke offers and I shake my head.

“No, I need to deal with the mess I made.”

Chapter Text

We get back to the others and the first thing I notice is that Raven and Anya have separated themselves and are having a quiet conversation on their own. Octavia and Abby stop talking as soon as Clarke and I walk back into the room, glaring first at our entwined hands then at me. I let go of Clarke’s hand, hoping to lower their gazes from murderous to simply hateful. This time, Clarke lets me go and I wonder briefly if I shouldn’t have urged her to do that when she takes a step forward and her shoulders drop. I just want to hold her hand again to see if we can get that confidence from seconds ago back, but I glance at my sister and she’s my main priority.

I walk slowly up to the couple, hoping to get a sense of if they’re arguing or just discussing this nicely. When I get close enough to hear them, though, they stop talking and both turn to stare at me. Anya looks concerned but I worry more about the sadness written clearly all over her face, it’s not like her to show emotions like that. We’ve both trained ourselves out of it over the years. Raven looks ready to punch me, but I see sadness and sympathy swirling around in her eyes too.

“How’s it going?” I ask quietly, cringing internally at how casual I sound. As if I’m not asking whether or not they are figuring out how to fix the lives I ruined. My eyes drop from the couple, looking down at my feet momentarily before slowly drifting back to Clarke as if there is a magnetic pull. She’s looking at the three of us cautiously while her mom and Octavia murmur things to her, probably warnings that I’m awful and she should just stay away. Clarke catches my gaze and smiles encouragingly at me and I nod minutely in return before finally looking back at my sister.

Raven’s gaze has softened while I was distracted. She glances between me and Anya before she dips her head in a shallow nod and lets loose the tiniest of smiles. “I guess I get why Anya kept your secret for you. I still don’t understand why you refused to tell Clarke, but she does and she already seems happier after spending just fifteen minutes with you again and that’s all that matters really.” I feel my shoulders raise instinctively with pride at the fact that everything isn’t as ruined as I had thought. Her face hardens and she takes a step toward me and all confidence is gone again. “If you hurt her again, though, you’ll have me to deal with.”

I nod my head quickly, trying to find words to describe how much I don’t wish to ever hurt Clarke again. I can’t, though, so I let my nod speak for itself. I don’t mention the fact that I could take Raven in a fight, or that she’d probably end up hurting herself more than me if it came down to it. I don’t mention anything along those lines because I know I’d deserve it so I wouldn’t fight back.

I glance back over at Octavia and Abby, both of whom are watching me carefully as if I could attack at any moment. Clarke’s reassuring smile is all it takes for me to look back at Raven with my shoulders back and my head raised. “I’m not planning to hurt Clarke again,” I tell her in a quiet and confident voice. I take a step forward then and look back at O and Abby. “I know none of you have any reason to trust me, but I never meant to hurt Clarke. In fact, I specifically avoided telling her in order to avoid hurting her. I understand that may not make sense to you, but honestly I’m not sure that matters. What does matter right now is that Clarke and I have some things we need to work out and we are going to do that whether you want us to or not. So you might as well not stand in the way of that and postpone deciding to hate me forever at least until the two of us have gotten a chance to talk and she has decided that for herself.”

Abby remains silent after I finish speaking, watching me carefully with a guarded expression. Octavia, though, has no qualms stepping forward and voicing her opinion. “Why should Clarke give you another chance? You’ve been lying to all of us for weeks now, how is she supposed to believe you won’t continue that trend in the future?”

Clarke lays a hand on Octavia shoulder, shaking her head gently at her friend. “O, don’t do this. This isn’t your battle to fight. I trust Lexa and I believe we can work through this. But I need my best friends on my side, can you do that for me?”

Octavia huffs and drops her shoulders, glaring at me one last time before looking back to Clarke. Whatever her expression says must be enough for Clarke because she’s smiling and pulling the smaller girl into a tight hug.

“Mom?” she asks when she pulls away, turning to face Abby. I look back at the older woman, having almost forgotten about her presence while watching Clarke.

Abby’s expression softens and she takes the four steps necessary to put her into my space. I don’t back down even as I get uncomfortable and wonder what her goal is.

“I really liked you at lunch the other day and it’s clear you make my daughter happy. Plus, I like the idea of Clarke having a trained professional ready to protect her when I’m not here to do the job myself,” Abby says with a small grin. She opens her arms and I step into the hug, hesitating slightly because this was too easy. “If you ever hurt my daughter again, I have faith in Octavia and Raven making your life hell. Plus, I have a lot of pull in the medical world so I can assure you that any future hospital visits would not be pleasant.”

I freeze at how calm and nice her voice sounds even as she’s threatening me. She pulls away and Clarke watches worriedly as I stand with wide eyes and let my arms drop to my sides. I don’t even know how to respond to threats from Abby. I can’t exactly deepen my position on her bad side by saying the incorrect thing right now. “I know I’m not perfect, Mrs. Griffin, but I swear to you that I will never purposely hurt your daughter. Even if that means walking away if that’s what she decides she wants after we talk.”

This seems to be what the woman wants as she nods and steps away, moving to stand next to her daughter. “I’m not saying you need to leave her because I don’t understand what led up to this like you do. But don’t stay with her just because you feel like you need to since she’s your soulmate.”

“Yes, Mom,” Clarke replies seriously and I frown at the realization that I really don’t want Clarke to leave me. I can’t even remember the last time I felt this strongly about something and didn’t want to run away. But here Clarke is, making me hope that she will force me to stay.

Clarke looks at me and my face must display my sudden lack of hope because she frowns and furrows her brows, stepping over to lay a hand on my shoulder. “I am not leaving you. We are going to work this out and I’m going to follow through on my promise.” I tilt my head in confusion, wondering what promise Clarke is talking about. “A few weeks ago, I promised that you’d meet your soulmate and that she’s prove you wrong about this whole system being bad.”

I nod, remembering that moment with a small smile. “If I remember correctly, you didn’t technically promise anything.”

“Shut up and let me be romantic here, you dork,” she chuckles and I grim stupidly at the sound of her laughter. I’ve already scared myself into believing I’d never hear the sound again and I’m just so happy that’s not true.

Octavia steps between us and I would scowl at her for ruining the moment, but she’s watching me carefully and I realize this is important. For the future of Clarke and I, this is a very important encounter.

“I may seem naïve, but my trust is harder to earn than Clarke’s here. I’m willing to give you a chance to make Clarke happy, but I won’t stand for my best friends getting hurt. I know you’ve gotten a lot of threats already tonight, but trust me, you don’t want to take this lightly. Blood must have blood, right?”

I cringe at the old saying I used to live by. “Did Lincoln teach you that?” I whisper, unable to find my voice as I try to avoid my mind slipping back to memories I don’t want to relive.

Octavia simply nods, a look of confusion and maybe regret flashing across her face, before turning and walking away, saying something that I miss but has Raven and Abby following her. Anya looks between me and the three women walking away. “What did she say?” she asks and I realize that, despite Octavia’s words being terrifyingly clear to me, she was speaking just loud enough for me to hear.

I shake my head, hoping to build that wall back up after Octavia’s damning blow leaving behind a pretty hefty crack. “Nothing,” I mutter, closing my mouth tightly and biting my lip as soon as the single word is out.

Clarke steps in, placing a worried hand on the small of my back that I lean into. “I’ve got her. You and Raven have some stuff you need to talk about, surely.” I shift a step over so our sides are pressing together, grounding myself in her warmth.

Anya looks worriedly at me one last time before taking in Clarke and nodding. “Alright, she drove but you should probably take her keys and drive home. I’ll probably be back in a few hours.”

Clarke must nod because Anya walks away and Clarke turns around to start leading me carefully outside. “Do you want to talk about it?” she asks gently when we get to the vehicle.

I take a deep breath before finally prying myself from Clarke to let her get in, holding the door open. I wait to respond until I’ve gotten into the passenger seat. “Do you mind if we just go home and sleep, actually?”

Clarke glances at me and bites her lips but ends up nodding. “Sure. It’s been a big day, I’m exhausted myself. We really need to talk tomorrow, though.”

“Of course,” I nod reassuringly. I reach for Clarke’s hand but I hesitate halfway through, realizing the gesture may not be appreciated. I end up turning on the radio, acting as if that was my intention all along, before dropping my hand on the center console so Clarke could grab it if she wants to.

She does. A few moments after the hand drops, she’s reaching over to hold it in her own. I trace my thumb lightly over her knuckles as we ride back to my house in a comfortable silence.

When we get home, Clarke hesitates at the front door, glancing back at the car. “I could get a taxi or…” she trails off, thinking through her other options.

I hold my breath for a second, chewing my bottom lip as I think about what I want to do. “Or…” She looks back at me, a hopeful glint to her eye. “Could you maybe spend the night? I don’t mean to have sex or do… anything really… I just would really love it if you would maybe lay with me? Or not. I could take the couch. My bed real…”

Clarke cuts off my rambling with one quick peck to my lips. “I’ll spend the night. I don’t want to be alone tonight.”

I let out a heavy breath and smile gratefully. I open the door and lead Clarke to my room, getting ready for bed quickly then laying on my back with my eyes closed as I wait for her. She gets back to my room and must think I’m asleep as she turns off the light and quietly climbs in me, throwing an arm over my waist but otherwise trying not to jostle me.

“I’m sorry,” I whisper when I think she’s fallen asleep.

“Why?” she murmurs in return, tightening her hold on me.

I turn to my side and look down at her eyes, still bright blue even in the dark as she stares up at me. “Every time I feel like we’re taking a step forward, something happens and I throw us back three more steps.”

“Shut up. I get it, you’ve been through a lot. But you want to know a secret?” she doesn’t give me a chance to respond. “I’m not perfect either. We just need to get everything out there so we can work through it and get to a place where we can only move forward.”

I wrap my arms around the small blonde, pulling her against me. “I think the universe is finally starting to like me, huh?”

I feel her smile against my collar bone as she snuggles closer. “Or it’s just always loved me.” Her voice is little more than a rasp and her breathing evens out before I can respond.

I know, though, that I was the one to truly win in the soulmate lottery. I just hope I don’t end up disappointing her too badly.

Chapter Text

I wake up and I don’t notice right away that the bed is empty. I reach out to wrap an arm around Clarke, fully expecting her to have simply rolled away in her sleep. My arm falls on empty mattress and it takes me an unfortunate amount of time to realize that her side of the bed is cold.

I sit up quickly, almost in a panic, and look around my room for any sign of the blonde. I begin to wonder if last night was just a dream when I don’t see so much as her jacket slung over the chair she tossed it on last night. I dart out of bed and to the bathroom, wondering if she’s just in there, but the door isn’t latched and the room is empty.

I accept that last night was a dream then, and proceed with my morning routine. I skip the shower, wanting to just get through this and sulk downstairs for a while before I have to go to work. I don’t know how I can deal with knowing that I didn’t actually make up with Clarke. But the entire experience being a dream is the only option I can willingly think of.

Because if it’s not that, it’s much worse. If it was real, her not being here means that she actually thought about it and decided she still hates me. It’s better to pretend that nothing actually happened than to realize that I let her in and I was destroyed again. There are only so many times a girl can have her heart broken this severely before it’s not just the heart that’s breaking.

I turn to leave the bathroom, but that’s when I notice the laundry hamper tucked away in the corner near the door. I remember giving Clarke clothes to sleep in last night and realize that this is what will tell me which of my ideas is true.

So I take the few steps forward, pausing when I’m within reach of the hamper. I take a deep breath and allow myself a moment to wonder if I really want to do this. On one hand, it could tell me exactly what I want to know if the top outfit is still my clothes from yesterday. On the other hand, I don’t know if I will be able to continue with my day if it reveals either her clothes or the basketball shorts and baggy t-shirt I let her borrow last night.

Slowly, I reach forward to lift the lid of the hamper. I don’t know when I decided on that option, I’m pretty sure I actually decided to just leave it and pretend nothing happened. My hand doesn’t listen, though, and it lifts up the lid at an excruciatingly slow pace.

I hold my breath as, inch by inch, the interior of the basket is revealed to me.

It’s empty.

I don’t know what that means. It’s not supposed to be empty. That doesn’t fall into either of my scenarios. I furrow my brow and head back to my room to check the date on my phone. It’s Wednesday, though, and I’m left even more confused than I was before. Every Sunday, Anya and I take turns doing the laundry and it’s Anya’s turn this week, but it’s Wednesday.

I force my attention to shift to this and figure out if something really happened with Clarke later. Either way, I’m sure today is not going to be a good day.

“Anya?” I call as I walk down the stairs toward her room. “Why is my laundry missing?”

I hear a bang from the kitchen and follow the noise, looking curiously through my phone as if it will have some answers about Clarke. I hope I can at least find an angry text from her to let me know if she was actually here last night. Maybe something accusing me of taking advantage of her weakened state to make her forgive me when really she’s still mad. I even flip to her Twitter when I don’t have a new text to see if she tweeted something passive aggressive about last night. What’s that called again? Indirecting?

It never crosses my mind for even one second that I may not have screwed this one up.

I come to a halt in the doorway of the kitchen and I open my mouth to ask Anya about last night, but I’m relieved I didn’t get to say anything before I looked up and saw it wasn’t actually my sister making a mess of the kitchen. “Clarke?” I question, causing her to pause in her movement and turn to look at me with a sheepish expression on her face.

“Hey, sorry about the mess. I thought it’d be nice to make some breakfast for you. Not breakfast in bed, though, I feel like we’re not to that point yet. That seems more like a ‘we had sex for the first time last night and I need to make sure you know that I still love you even though you cried’ kind of thing. Which is weird and oddly specific, I know, but you totally seem like you’d cry during sex. Shit, I’m sorry, that came out wrong. I don’t mean…”

“Clarke,” I cut her rambling off and she finally looks directly at me, a light blush dusting her cheeks and her hand rubbing the back of her neck. “Why are you here?”

Her face falls and I realize how that sounds. “Uh, I thought... I’m sorry. I guess I should just go.” She abandons her mess, dusting flour off of her shirt, and starts for the door.

I grab her arm as she tries to pass me, causing her to pause, her head ducked down and hiding her face. “I’m sorry, that’s not what I meant. When you weren’t in bed when I woke up, I thought it was all a dream. Or that you remembered that you should hate me and you left. I’m just confused. I’m really sorry.”

“Don’t be. This is weird for both of us, I get it,” she replies and I pretend not to hear the waver in her voice as she hastily brings a hand up to wipe her face.

We stand in an awkward silence for a moment. She sniffles occasionally and wipes her face a few more times and I watch her nervously, wondering if I can do anything to fix this. “God, we really need to work on our communication skills, don’t we?” she chuckles and I laugh with her.

“Yeah, that’d probably be nice.” I look around the room taking in the absolute chaos with no apparent reward that I can see. “And you seem to be in need of cooking lessons. What were you trying to make?”

She looks around and I see that small smile is back on her face and she bites her lip to try and stop its growth. The expression is adorable and I wish I could see this look every day. “First I wanted to make waffles but I couldn’t find a waffle iron. So I decided to turn them into pancakes, but they apparently aren’t interchangeable. Or I just suck in the kitchen. So I moved on to eggs, but you have a surprising lack of those considering you’re a workout buff and I thought gym people love eggs and there was only one left after the waffle fiasco. And I burned it. I was just attempting biscuits and gravy when you saved us.”

I chuckle at her misadventures in the kitchen and set about cleaning up after her. “How about this? You help me clean this mess then we can just stop somewhere for breakfast before I need to get to work?”

“About that… I talked to Anya and you have today off,” she sounds nervous as she says it, as if I’m going to get upset with her for taking that step for me. “It’s just that I know we really need to talk and I thought we could get it done now so I can come in and see the kids tomorrow.”

“Yeah, all for the kids, right?” I laugh, scrubbing away on a pan. “That was a good idea. It’s probably for the best that we don’t put this off any longer.” I finish that pan and move on to a bowl and I don’t even want to know how Clarke ended up with what’s in it.

“Oh, by the way, I hope it’s okay that I did your laundry for you. I wanted the option of wearing my own clothes and I had to take what you had in your hamper to make it a full load,” Clarke says after a few minutes of me washing dishes in silence. I glance back at her over my shoulder and smile at her shy expression as she leans against the counter and watches me.

“It’s fine. It’d be better if you did it on one of my weeks, but I’m sure Anya will greatly appreciate having less to do on Sunday,” I reply with a reassuring smile.

Her shoulders relax and she pushes up from the counter with a nod. “I’m not meaning to invade your life like this. I do chores when I’m nervous. It’s weird, I know,” she mutters and I realize my joy at her still being here may not be the typical feeling to have in this kind of situation. I wonder what she thinks I’m going to say. I’ve always been the one screwing up this relationship, I wonder if she thinks that whatever she has to say will ruin what we got back last night.

Then I think of what this nervousness could really mean. Maybe she was just too polite to flee while I was sleeping. There’s a good chance she’s just putting off the inevitable moment when she’ll tell me she can’t do this. That must be it. She realized she doesn’t want to be with me and my crazy so she’s just waiting for the opportunity to let me know that she never wants to see me again.

I focus on the bowl and try to slow my breathing before I work myself into a panic attack. I can’t guilt her into staying because I have a panic attack before she even has the chance to end it. The bowl is clean. I look for more dishes to prolong this moment, but there are none.

I take a deep breath and turn to Clarke slowly after I turn off the tap. “How about we go to breakfast? Cleaning up this mess was taunting and left me starving,” I suggest, hoping she will give me this one last meal together. She slowly looks up and down my body before raising an eyebrow at me.

“You realize you’re still in your sleepwear, right?” she questions and I look down at myself with a blush. She’s right, I’m still in a tank with my college’s logo on the front and the Spiderman boxers Anya got me for Christmas as a joke a few years ago.

“Is that a yes so long as I change?” I question, holding my breath as I wait for her answer.

“Yes, you big dummy,” she jokes and I feel the breath release in a relieved sigh as I dart upstairs to throw on some real clothes. I opt for just sweats and a random t-shirt since I doubt I’ll be leaving the house aside from this breakfast.

When I come back downstairs, I catch Clarke texting someone on her phone. “What’s up?” I ask, nodding to the device in her hand. Her brow is furrowed and I can feel my hope for a good time dissipating quickly.

Clarke jumps when I speak and I feel bad for not making more noise on my way to the room so she wouldn’t have been startled when I spoke. “Oh, nothing really. Ray was just wondering how it’s going. I’m pretty sure she was actually asking if Anya’s here or said anything, though.”

“Hmm. Where is Anya anyway?” I ask distractedly as I look around for my cell.

Clarke holds up the device and I go over to take it gratefully. “She’s at work. Apparently she couldn’t sleep so when I asked if she could arrange stuff so you could stay home she offered to go in early to cover your shift.”

“That’s nice of her. You ready to go?” I glance up from my phone, dismissing any notifications of worried text from my friends. Clarke nods and allows me to lead her outside to my car.

We’re nearly to the diner when Clarke breaks the awkward silence that’s fallen between us. I had hoped the awkwardness was just in my head, but her words kill any chance of that being true. “Where are you?”

I glance over at her for a second before turning my attention back to the road. “What? I’m right here?” I question, confused as to what she means.

“Physically, yeah, but you’ve been really distracted all morning. What’s up?”

“Nothing. I’m fine.” Clarke huffs at my dismissive attitude but I don’t know how to tell her that I’m just afraid for later. I can’t just tell her that I’m trying to distance myself from her because I can’t let myself get comfortable when she’s going to leave me in an hour or so. “We’re here,” I mutter when I park in front of the diner. It’s the same one that Anya brought me to the day after Clarke and I met. I may be hoping that Clarke will remember that time and decide that she still wants to give me a chance.

We eat in almost silence, only speaking up a few times to comment on how good our food is. By the time we’ve finished and made it back to my house, I can tell Clarke is getting irritated with my silence. I thought that meal would be the perfect way to have one last happy moment, but I didn’t account for my fear making me practically incapable of having a good time.

I stop in the doorway to the living room when we get home, watching Clarke nervously as she gets comfortable on the couch. I wait for her to speak, but she just watches me expectantly and I take a deep breath when I realize I’m going to have to speak first.

“Look, can you just get it over with? If you’ve decided you don’t want to be with me, that’s fine. Just stop torturing me, please,” I request, barely managing to keep my eyes on Clarke in the hope that she’ll expose something that will help me understand what happened overnight to make her decide I’m not worth it.

Confusion flashes across Clarke’s face and she raises an eyebrow at me. “What makes you think I’ve decided that?”

I shrug and kick the doorframe gently, “I don’t know. You’ve been acting nervous all morning; I couldn’t think of any reason for that other than you wanting to leave me.”

“Lexa, you’re really dumb. Do you realize that?” Clarke points out and I nod my agreement. “I’m not leaving you. I just know how skittish you are and I’m afraid that what I have to tell you will scare you off.”

“I promised I’m not running again. I meant it when I said that. I may be no good for you, but I’ve realized it’s not my place to decide that,” I murmur, making a promise that I really hope I can keep.

Clarke’s breath is shaky when I hear her inhale and I instinctively sit next to her and pull her into my arms when I see her eyes shine with tears. “No, please don’t. Can I just tell you something and you can’t say anything until I’m done?” she requests and I’m telling her yes before I can even think about what she’s asking. “No holding me, either. If you do, I won’t be able to keep going and I need to tell you this.” I scoot away from her at her final request and give her the time she needs to think and calm herself before she starts speaking.

The sun is getting high and I think about closing the curtains when the light shines obnoxiously off the coffee table. I freeze, abandoning that mission, when Clarke starts talking. “My dad always told me that he had two amazing days in his life that were tied for the best. One was the day I was born. They thought they couldn’t have kids, my mom isn’t very fertile and she was told numerous times that she would never be able to bear a child. He liked to call me a miracle child. I remember one day, I was upset because I was the shortest girl in my class and he cleaned out a miracle grow bag really well then filled it with glitter that he dumped on me. He said it was miracle grow for the miracle child. Mom wasn’t very happy.” I want nothing more than to wipe away the tears silently dripping down her face as she recalls the memory.

“The other day was when he met Mom. He said that colors never looked so beautiful as the moment his soulmate made them appear for the first time. He always like to point out colors to me and tell me what they were so maybe I’d be able to distinguish the shades of grey and recognize them. There were some colors that he always pointed out because they were among the first he saw. He’d tell me stories about never being able to see this certain shade of brown without thinking of the way my mom’s eyes were shining like jewels when she said his name. A particular red would flash by in the wings of a butterfly and he’d see the sweater she was wearing when they met.

He always promised me that the day I met my soulmate would be the best day of my life. I always looked forward to telling my kids these kinds of stories. I thought it would be amazing to have these strong memories associated with something as simple yet magical as colors. I was sure my soulmate would have these feelings, too, and that they’d love the blue of my eyes as much as my mom loved his. I was so excited for my dad to meet my soulmate before he died. I knew he would be so happy for me and I wanted to be able to see the exact shades that he loved telling me about. Then he died and thinking about one day being able to see those colors and think of those stories, along with the ones I would create for myself, would bring me so much closer to him.” Clarke’s crying and it pains me to have to stay back and not hold her in my arms. “That’s why seeing colors is so important to me. I know everyone thinks it’s because of my art, but I just miss feeling that close to my dad.”

The room gets too quiet after she finishes speaking as I hesitate, wondering if I can talk yet. She slowly leans over, resting her head against my shoulder, and I pull her as close to me as she can get. I hold her as if I can block out all the pain in the world and keep her in this safe bubble. “I’m so sorry,” I whisper into her hair and she nods against my chest. “I know this is not helpful or an excuse or anything, but I never thought it was this serious. I honestly just thought you just wanted color for your art. Which, I know, I still shouldn’t have kept it from you, nothing I ever say or do will make that okay, but I can only give you what I have.”

Clarke shushes me and we just sit in silence and I watch the glare of the sun creep slowly up the coffee table until it’s shining on Clarke’s bare legs. “I wish I had found a way to say your name sooner, even if I couldn’t have told you I was the one who said it. There were probably plenty opportunities, I was so selfish…”

“Lexa. Shut up. I told you, I want to be happy with my soulmate and I’m not going to hold myself back from that any longer. Are you?” she questions, tilting her head back to peer up at me. I shake my head slowly, staring into Clarke’s eyes and hoping she can see how serious I am about this written as clearly on my face as it is hers.

Clarke leans closer slowly and my eyes flutter closed in anticipation of her kiss. The second her lips brush against mine, the sensation barely there, I pull back quickly and anxiously. “I’m sorry. I want everything to be out in the open before I enter into anything with you. I’ve been hurt by secrets and lies before, as I know you have too, thanks to me. I just really don’t want either of us to go through that again.”

Clarke leans back and cocks her head to the side minutely as she watches me with wide eyes. Slowly, she nods, murmuring, “Okay, what do you need to tell me?”

I sigh heavily and hang my head, ashamed of myself for having to ruin this moment with her. “I need to tell you about Costia.”

“You don’t have to do this,” Clarke tells me and I shake my head. “Really, your exes are none of my business.”

“She’s not just an ex. And she’s a huge part of why I’ve been so afraid of this whole thing. Please, just let me tell you this,” I beg, looking at Clarke like her answer could decide the way my entire life goes from here on out. Which, I suppose, isn’t entirely wrong. This could potentially make or break our relationship.

Clarke takes a deep breath, as if she’s readying herself for something huge. Maybe she is, maybe this will mean more to her than I think. I thought this was just about my fear of soulmates and relationships in general, but maybe this is about something more to her. So I hold my breath until she nods, my lungs immediately burning as I realize that I forgot to take in a deep breath of my own, acting as though hers would be enough for the both of us. That alone should scare me away, the knowledge that we aren’t even together yet, but I still feel so connected to her that I feel as if our breathing is shared. But I’m not scared of being with her, not now. I owe it to both of us to try this out.

“Alright, tell me about Costia,” she whispers, nodding her head just the tiniest bit and allowing me to resume my breathing.

Chapter Text

It’s our first day at college and I can tell Lincoln is itching to get out there and socialize. He bounces on the balls of his feet next to me, his eyes roaming over the other freshmen excitedly and I notice his gaze settle on a few club booths every once in a while. “Go,” I sigh, waving my hand vaguely towards the swarms of students.

Lincoln glances at me and calms his movements. “No way, it’s fine. I’m good hanging out with you,” he argues weakly. I smile at the attempt but shake my head at my cousin.

“Seriously, Linc, go socialize. I’m probably going back to the apartment soon anyway. I think I’ve fulfilled the requirement of this thing anyway,” I prod, going so far as shoving my brother away from me with a small smile.

He looks between me and a bunch of guys kicking a soccer ball around nervously. “Fine,” he says eventually, “but only if you promise to watch Netflix or something when you get home instead of studying all night. Classes haven’t even started yet, you can relax for a few days.”

“Compromise your compromise?” I request and he nods, already backing away from me slowly. “Tomorrow you explore campus with me so we can find all our classrooms.”

“I will agree to that even though we have a full week of orientation stuff that will help us figure that out before classes start,” Lincoln agrees and I roll my eyes at his apparent need to remind me of the coming week. As if I could forget all the forced social interaction I will be thrust into despite the fact that they don’t group these events by majors so there will likely be no one among my group who I will benefit upon knowing. With that, he turns and jogs over, seamlessly merging with the soccer guys as if he’s known them his whole like.

I watch that casual interaction for a moment, feeling almost jealous of how easy he makes it seem. But I quickly get distracted by looking over everyone else here. A lot of people are meeting their soulmates for the first time, that much is obvious by the excited hugs and tears being shed. I glance nervously at the time on my phone, waiting anxiously for the minute I’m allowed to leave this place and retreat to the safety of Lincoln and my empty apartment.

I’m two minutes off when she sidles up to me, leaning against the wall a few feet down. I glance over at her, getting momentarily caught up in her beauty before I remind myself that I’m here to work, not socialize. I don’t need a love life right now, and I certainly don’t need to be hitting on hot (probably straight) strangers. I busy myself with my phone, hoping to distract myself from her until my two minutes are up.

“It’s kind of disgusting, isn’t it? It’s like these people don’t believe life is worth living without a soulmate,” she says just before I’m free. I would groan internally, but her voice is distracting and I can’t find myself annoyed at the soft lilt.

“You mean you don’t believe in concepts such as love at first sight or happily ever after?” I question, the sarcasm dripping almost tangibly from my words.

She looks at me curiously and I work to keep my gaze trained straight ahead, pretending to ignore the way her eyes explore the side of my face then my body. Hoping that if I don’t acknowledge the attraction, my fingers will stop itching to know what it would feel like to trace her soft seeming skin. “I take it you don’t believe in the concepts of soulmates, either?” she questions and I almost laugh. “Either that or I’ve managed to horribly offend you already.”

“I believe in the concept of soulmates. You can’t not believe in it when it factually exists. What I don’t believe in is the idea that soulmates are actually end all fairy tale endings,” I explain and I watch her smile grow as I speak.

She nods and extends a hand to me. “I’m Costia.”

Two week into the school year, Costia’s hanging out at my apartment to do homework. Apparently her roommate is super obnoxious and she’d rather come here than go to the library since Lincoln’s gone most of the day usually.

Her pencil stops tapping against the table and I wait for it to start scratching against paper as she starts writing her notes. After a few seconds of silence, I glance up from my reading to find the other girl watching me. Her brows are furrowed and she looks deep in though.

“What’s up?” I ask, breaking her from her reverie. She jumps then her cheeks darken almost imperceptibly before she shakes it off and is back to her usual confidence.

“I’m just thinking,” she says and I raise an eyebrow, waiting for her to finish. She seems to be waiting on me to ask to elaborate, but I know she’ll continue on her own if I just wait her out. I settle in my seat, confident in my ability to win this battle of wills. “Go out with me.”

That’s not what I was expecting. I open my mouth but no response comes out and she giggles at my dumbfounded expression. “What?” I get out eventually.

“Neither of us believe in soulmates. I’m confident we could have a relationship that could withstand finding out soulmates. What do we have to lose?”

I don’t say everything like I want to. I don’t let her know how sure I am that this won’t end well. I can’t exactly argue her confidence with my surety that she won’t be able to resist once she actually gets a taste of color. I bite my tongue when it itches to tell her that I would rather ignore my attraction and have her as a friend than one day not have her at all. I decide to tell her to just wait on it. Give us two months at this college before jumping into anything.

“Sure. What do we have to lose?” I find myself echoing instead. The smile on her face wipes away my fear and I allow myself to believe that I’m able and allowed to have something nice sometimes.

Anya isn’t as happy for me as I’d expected when I tell her about Costia. I can practically feel her apprehension dripping through the phone in the silence after my announcement.

“What’s going to happen when one of you meets your soulmate?” she questions eventually and I sigh, running a hand through my hair.

“Nothing. Soulmates don’t have to mean anything, Ahn,” I reply, rolling my eyes even though I know she can’t see the action. Lincoln snorts from the other side of the couch and I flip him off. “You and Lincoln can stop ganging up on me about this and just let me be happy, you know?” He actually has the decency to look ashamed as he nods his head. I hear Anya let out a heavy sigh before she agrees.

“I just worry about you, Lex. It’s my job.” I don’t let her worry scare me off. Our first date went well and I hang up on my sister instead of allowing her worry for me when I become incapable of doing it for myself.

“Who’s this?” I question, looking between the two girls in front of me with furrowed brows. Costia seems very comfortable with this girl considering I’ve never met her before so I know she’s not any of her friends. We’ve been dating for three years, I know everyone Costia hangs out with and vice versa.

I glance down at their intertwined fingers and I think nothing of it, Costia just likes physical contact. I look back up to my girlfriend’s face and she’s watching the other girl nervously. The girl straightens and smirks at me smugly, straightening her shoulders and acting as if she belongs here. “I’m Ontari, Costia’s soulmate. You must be the girlfriend.”

I look at Costia, waiting for her to tell me this is some kind of joke. She just looks down at her knees and I look back at Ontari. “Yeah, I’m her girlfriend. Why are you at our apartment?”

Ontari scoffs and I still don’t understand what’s happening. She stands, leaving Costia on our couch where she’s still not looking at me as her soulmate advances on me. I remain in the doorway, wondering when
Costia’s going to tell her how she feels about this soulmate business. “There’s no ‘our’ anymore. Not between you and Cos, anyway. Now how bout you stop acting like you’re surprised and run along? Costia doesn’t want you here anymore.”

I suck in a deep breath, trying to push past the pang of hurt piercing my chest as I look to Costia for help and realize she’s not going to give it to me. I reach deep past the pain for anger, doing everything I can not to cry in front of these two, but there’s nothing there. I can’t even find it in myself to be angry at them doing this to me in my own apartment. I find myself nodding blankly, unable to do anything else. “When can I come back to get my stuff?” I question, looking directly at my girlfriend, no, I guess ex-girlfriend. She still can’t look back at me.

“We’ll get it all packed and ready for you by the weekend,” Ontari answers, taking a step to block my view of Costia. She reaches up to grab my arm, I assume to direct me out of the apartment, but I flinch away and turn on my heels to leave on my own. Ontari follows me into the hallway, leaning closer to whisper in my ear. “Thanks for being a good placeholder until I got here.”

I don’t look back at her when I leave, I can’t. All I can do is keep my gaze forward and get myself out of the building before I can’t hold back my tears anymore.

“I don’t remember most of the year after that. I barely scraped by my last year of college, just going enough that I get my degree even if it’s not with the perfect GPA I had my first three years. I drank a lot, and I went to a lot of parties. I was living with Lincoln again for that senior year, but I was hardly ever at home. I slept around a lot, just a lot of drunken, meaningless flings. Never with the same girl twice. There were weeks I didn’t go home at all because I was just bouncing around between bars and beds.

I pushed everyone away, but Anya and Linc were always there to pick up the pieces. They were there that first night and every night after that. Even when I was terrible to them, they still came to get me when I woke up at a random girl’s place with no knowledge of how to get home. Hell, I had to switch bars too many times to count because staying at one for too long meant the bartenders knew who to call when I got too fucked up and I couldn’t have that.

I did a lot of shit I regret during that time. I only stopped when I wound up at the hospital with alcohol poisoning. Anya sat with me the entire time I was there. I still don’t know why she did, I was terrible. I would’ve left me. But she stayed and then she helped me get my life together and she got me a job at this gym. From there, it wasn’t long before I bought a gym of my own and there’s not much else to tell.”

I didn’t look at Clarke the entire time I spoke, not able to watch her reactions as the story got worse and worse. Her hand never left mine and I take that as a good sign, hoping it means I haven’t scared her off. I listen to her breathing, waiting for it to shift at all. Maybe she fell asleep.

Clarke squeezes my hand and I chance a glance up at her when she does. Her eyes are shining and I realize she’s crying. I close my eyes tightly and wait for the rejection. Never once to I think those tears might be for me, so used to people leaving. I’ve never told this story before, but I am confident that it can’t be good for the beginning of a relationship.

“I’m so sorry,” she cries and nod, knowing what’s coming next. “I wish I’d met you sooner. I wish I could have saved you from that. I hate that you went through that.”

My eyes fly open and I look at Clarke in complete shock. She’s crying and she seems to just barely be holding off from wrapping me in a hug. I fall into her, melting even further when her arms find their way over my shoulders. I hug her waist tightly and burrow my face into the base of her neck. “Never leave me,” I whimper, surprising even myself with the request. She tenses for a millisecond before she’s holding me tighter and whispering promises into my hair that she’s here for me.

I know this day is far from over, but at the moment, I’m exhausted and I’m satisfied with just staying here with Clarke and holding each other so long as she’s willing. I don’t think I could peel myself from her embrace even if I tried, so I allow myself to sink further against her and relaxing as she slowly strokes my hair. “We’re one messed up couple, aren’t we?” she chuckles eventually.

I laugh and nod against her. She leans forward slightly to press a kiss against the top of my head. “We may be messed up, but at least we’re a couple,” I reply and I feel her lips curl up in a smile.

“That we are.”

Chapter Text

For the next few hours, we simply enjoy each other’s company on the couch. Every once in a while one of us will think of something random to talk about, but other than that we remain in a comfortable silence. We may doze off a few times but I’m too comfortable to attempt to move and do anything else. The only movement comes when Clarke’s stomach grumbles loudly.

I push myself up to peer at her face, smirking at the light blush dusting her cheeks. “A bit hungry?” I ask jokingly, watching as she closes those glorious blue eyes and covers her face with her hands.

“My body has the worst timing,” she mutters into her palms. I laugh, causing her to push me away gently. I stand up then, not even attempting to contain my smirk when Clarke drops her hands with a whine and stares up at me pleadingly. “Where are you going?”

I snort at the whiny pitch of her voice, shaking my head at the blonde staring back at me. “Next door. I’m sure Uncle Gus has some kind of food we can steal.”

Clarke smiles up at me, accepting the hand I offer to pull her up. “Didn’t anyone teach you that stealing is wrong, Miss Woods?” Clarke asks with a grin.

I shake my head slowly, a responding grin spreading on my face. “Unfortunately, my aunt and uncle seem to have forgotten that lesson. Really, my kleptomaniac tendencies are their fault.”

Clarke lets out a laugh and shakes her head at me as I lead her out of my house. “I suppose some food is the least they can give to repay you for the obviously dangerous lifestyle they forced you into.”

I stop and turn around to look at Clarke with a completely serious expression. “I didn’t choose the thug life, Clarke,” I say in a flat voice. We maintain eye contact for about two seconds before neither of us can hold it together anymore and we’re both bent over with laughter in my front yard.

“You’re an idiot,” Clarke reminds me when she calms her laughs.

We make it to the front door of my family’s house before we’re sent into another laughing fit thanks to Clarke’s stomach loudly reminding us of her hunger. I struggle with the key for a few moments, unable to stop the shaking laughter for the few seconds it’d take to get the door unlocked.

I just get it in when the door swings open. I look up to find a very unimpressed Indra watching us with a single raised eyebrow. Our laughter cuts off immediately, but I keep a small smile on my face as I catch the soft shine in my aunt’s eyes. “Aunt Indra. Clarke and I were hungry; do you mind if we borrow some of Uncle Gus’s leftovers?”

Indra glances at Clarke and I feel the blonde tense up next to me. I look over to her and she has her head raised and proud even as her eyes glint with what may be fear. I reach over and lace my fingers through hers, giving her hand a reassuring squeeze before I look back to my aunt. We make eye contact and I almost melt with relief at the approval in her gaze.

“I don’t know what you mean by ‘borrow’ but come in. You are welcome to anything in the kitchen, you know that,” Indra says, stepping aside to let us through.

I stop next to my aunt as she closes the door. “Go ahead, Clarke. The kitchen is at the end of the hall on the right. I’ll be right there,” I request after giving Clarke a swift kiss on the cheek. She nods, glancing nervously at Indra before scurrying down the hall. I turn to my aunt, smiling at her gratefully. “Thank you, Aunt Indra. I’m sure you’re nervous about her, but I think this could work,” I whisper, pulling the woman in for a short hug.

Indra nods when she pulls away, glancing down the hall after Clarke before looking at me. “I’m happy so long as my children are happy. Now go feed your soulmate before she messes up your uncle’s organization system.” I laugh but follow her instructions, knowing that Gustus will not be happy if I accidentally let Clarke put something in the wrong spot. He may be a fairly laid back man, but you do not mess with his kitchen without a long lecture.

I get to the kitchen to find Clarke leaning against the table and glancing around the room nervously. I chuckle at the sight, earning myself a glare from the blonde. “You saw the mess I made this morning! I’m not touching anything in here,” Clarke defends.

“You’re right. Just stay there and let me do the work,” I instruct. She pouts but I come over and give her a single kiss to wipe the pout away and I’m gratified with a bright smile when I pull away.

“Well then, Woods, do your thing and make me something delicious.”

Aunt Indra comes in when I’ve almost finished to let us know that she’s heading out for a few hours. She gives no information as to where she’s going and I don’t ask. She’s a woman of mystery and I’ve come to accept that about her.

The front door shut and I smile with a sudden memory of the games Anya, Lincoln, and I used to play in times like these. “You know, we used to think she’s some sort of spy or something,” I say to Clarke. “We came up with all these ridiculous stories of the missions she went on and all the bad guys she put in jail.”

Clarke’s silent and I furrow my brow, having expected at least a giggle at our antics. I glance back at the blonde, pausing my transfer of our food onto plates. “What’s up?”

She shakes herself out of her thoughts and looks at me curiously. “Before, you told me that Costia called you a placeholder. But you told me earlier today that was Ontari.” The question isn’t said, but it’s there clear as day.

I sigh, moving our plates to the table and sitting down heavily. “I didn’t purposely lie to you, if that’s what you’re thinking.” She immediately tries to deny, but I speak before she can. “I honestly don’t know what that was. I always thought it was Costia that said that to me. That’s the way I always told the story in my head. I didn’t even remember that it was actually Ontari until earlier today.”

Clarke reaches over to place her hand over mine where it lies on the table. “It’s perfectly normal for a person who’s endured a lot of traumatic experiences like you have to have slightly skewed memories of said events,” Clarke mutters as if she’s remembering something she’s memorized from a textbook.

“This isn’t like that, Clarke. I willfully changed the memory in my head. I wanted Costia to be the bad guy,” I say, pulling my hand from Clarke’s. I regret it when I see her eyes flash with hurt, but there’s no need to make this more than it was. “I was mad and I wanted to remember her as nothing more than the reason.”

Clarke nods and turns her hand over in a silent request. I glance down at the offer of peace, but I shake my head. I want to drop this and I thought I was ready to just leave everything about her behind, but I guess I just don’t know how. “Honestly, I’m the dick here. She just found her soulmate and I built her up to be this huge monster in my head. God, Clarke. What if I do that to you someday?” I look at her in a panic and she’s just watching me carefully. Logically, I can see that she’s just waiting for the appropriate moment to step in, but at the moment it feels more like she just doesn’t want to speak to me.

I close my eyes and I can practically hear her coaxing me to breath even though I know she’s sitting silently in her chair right now. I don’t wait for the panic attack to fully set in before I stop it, not allowing my breathing to quicken to the point of problematic.

“Are you ready to talk calmly and listen now, or do you need a few minutes?” Clarke asks softly, carefully. I crack my eyes open to look at her, watch her sit there where she clearly itches to stand and hug me but refrains herself. I’m grateful for that, fully aware that a hug would probably make me flee at this point.

“I’m sorry,” I say after a particularly deep breath. “I’m trying, I promise. This is still all a bit scary.”

“I understand. This whole soulmate business is incredibly overwhelming,” she assures and I respond with a nod and a small smile. “Costia cared about you, that much I can tell. But forces outside of our power and understanding forced her away from you. Nothing like that will ever happen to us.”

I take another deep breath and nod, seeing the logic and forcing myself to trap it in my brain. “I was afraid I’d try to get her back and lose. I think that’s why I twisted that memory around.”

“Well, I’m glad you did that. I couldn’t have my soulmate dating another girl, now could I?” Clarke points out with a timid smile and I find myself laughing at her joke.

“No, I suppose that wouldn’t do,” I respond, grateful for the easy slip back into a carefree atmosphere. Clarke laughs and the moment almost feels perfect. If not for the nagging feeling of guilt prodding at my good mood. “I really feel like I should apologize to Costia. I’ve hated her all these years and gotten my whole family basically to hate her and she really didn’t do anything that terrible.”

Clarke stops laughing and shakes her head at me. “She still could have handled it better. There were thousands of things she could have done to make it less messy when you broke up. You don’t need to feel bad for this.”

I glance down at my hands, pondering the truth behind her statement. Sure, Costia could have handled it better, but so could I. I look back to Clarke, who has begun eating, and smile when I see she’s managed to get a bit of sauce on the corner of her mouth. I decide to drop it for now and figure out how to best deal with the situation at a later time.

I reach across the table and gently wipe the sauce away with my thumb, smiling when Clarke turns her head to kiss the tip of my thumb lightly. “I love you,” she whispers against my hand. I wonder if the fluttering in my stomach will ever not appear after her saying that. I hope not.

All I need in my life is the way her face brightens immediately upon hearing me utter the words back.

Clarke’s phone rings when we’re on our way back to my house. She picks it up with an apologetic glance at me and I distract myself with checking the mail as she wanders into the house to talk in privacy. A roaring down the road distracts me and I glance at my watch in confusion when I recognize the sound as a motorcycle. The only person in this neighborhood with a bike is Lincoln and unless he didn’t go today, he should still be at work.

My confusion only grows when I see the owner of the bike is not Lincoln, but Octavia. “Linc’s at work,” I inform the younger girl when she parks her motorcycle in his driveway and removes her helmet.

“I’m actually here for you,” she replies, crossing the street slowly and with her head ducked slightly. “If you’re see me, that is.” I glance back at the house, wondering if I should fetch Clarke. “Just you.”

I look back at Octavia and wonder what she could possibly want with me. Last I checked, she’s definitely far from being my biggest fan. “What?” The single word comes out angrier than I intended and I attempt to soften it with an offer for her to join me in sitting on the steps to the porch. She joins me gratefully and it takes a few moments of silence for her to speak up.

“Listen, it’s hard for me to accept when I’m wrong and I suck at apologizing. But Lincoln told me about Costia and about where ‘blood must have blood’ comes from. I’m sorry, I didn’t know. I can be a bit over protective at times and I understand that how I behaved when Clarke was hurting was perhaps a bit far. So I’m sorry for that and also for using your old phrase against you,” she apologizes and I’m stunned into silence.

Octavia stands and I only find my voice when she’s halfway down the front walk. Her shoulders have fallen and she clearly thinks I’m refusing to accept her apology. “It’s fine, really,” I say, causing her to freeze in her spot. “Just do me a favor and never use that phrase near me again.”

“Sure thing, Lex,” Octavia calls over her shoulder. “Thank you.”

With that, she resumes her walk and I watch her until she’s speeding down the street again on her bike. I stand and am startled when I see Clarke leaning against the front door. “Hey,” she greets. “I was just coming out to see why Octavia was here, but I guess I didn’t need to.”

“Oh,” I respond, wondering if I should tell her. She looks curious, but we’ve already crossed so many barriers today, I guess she’s willing to stop for the day. “She was just apologizing for something she said. Remember how I said I used to drink a lot after Costia?” Clarke nods, her brow furrowing at the question. “Well, I got into a lot of fights in that time too. Of the physical sort. It was always over stupid stuff, but I thought they were good reasons. I always used to say this thing, ‘blood must have blood’ to try and explain away the fights. It was kind of my thing. I guess Lincoln must’ve adopted it because O said it to me last night.”

Clarke stays still as she takes in this information and I worry that I’ve overdone it for a single day. I wonder if I’ll ever get to the point where I’m not afraid that anything I’ll do will scare her off. It seems like a lofty dream.

Her eyes focus back on me and her smile is barely there. “I have a saying too. ‘May we meet again’. My dad always said it to me and Mom before he went on big trips, we started saying it too, eventually. This is only the second time I’ve said it since he died.”

I smile gently, carefully, and step forward to wrap an arm around Clarke. “Yours sounds better. Mine can only ever sound violent. Yours is tragic yet hopeful,” I point out as I lead the blonde into the house.

“I think they both sound like they’re about surviving,” Clarke argues and I pull us to a stop. I turn to look at Clarke fully, watching her carefully.

“Maybe life should be about more than just surviving.”

Clarke’s eyes dart between my eyes then my mouth, darkening almost imperceptibly. She slowly brings her face closer to mine and I keep my eyes on hers as they drift closer and closer.

“Maybe it should,” she whispers just before her lips are on my own.

Chapter Text

Kissing Clarke is like nothing I’ve ever experienced before. I’ve always thought people were crazy when they talked about feeling fireworks during a kiss, but in this moment, I understand it completely. I can feel sparks shooting through my body and I can practically see fireworks on the insides of my eyelids as her incredibly soft lips move against my own. For a brief moment, I wonder how her lips are even that soft, but that thought is knocked out of my head when she tugs at the bottom of my shirt to pull me closer.

I don’t know when my hands found her hair, but my fingers are woven into the locks of gold and she hums when I gently scratch her scalp. I pull away for a moment, smirking at her whine from the loss of contact, and brush my nose against hers when I tilt my head to adjust the angle of the kiss. I smile into the kiss when I go back in, effectively making it sloppy and earning a laugh from the blonde.

“You’re such a dork,” she murmurs, pulling away slightly, just enough to look me in the eye.

“Shut up, so are you,” I respond with a chuckle. I detangle my hands from Clarke’s hair to reach down and grab her hand, tugging her into the living room to sit on the couch with me. She pulls her legs up under her, leaning into my side and resting her head on my shoulder and I wrap an arm around her, resting my cheek against the top of her head.

“That felt like a first kiss, am I crazy?” I ask, my mind still caught up on moments ago. Clarke turns her head to bury her giggle in my shoulder and I frown. “No, I get that we’ve kissed before, Clarke. That was just, like, our first real kiss.”

“Oh, so the others weren’t real?” she questions and I hear the teasing in her voice.

I shrug my shoulder to jostle her head and grin when she swats at my abs in response. “You’re literally the worst. You know what I mean.”

She props her chin up on my shoulder and I turn my head to look at her curiously as her eyes wander my face. “Yeah, I get it. I don’t know, I guess it’s just better now that we’ve figured things out and we’re ready to actually be a couple.” I freeze, my brows furrowed as I wonder if she really means that. I hadn’t fully realized we’d gotten to that point yet and I will probably never stop being amazed that she wants to me with me. She takes my shock as something else, though, and her eyes widen in worry as she stumbles over her words to try and fix this. “I mean… I just thought… Don’t you want that?”

I press a soft, and what I hope to be calming, kiss to the corner of her lips before I respond. “I want that. As long as you want me, I will be yours.”

Her entire face lights up and she smiles widely before sliding down and nestling herself further into my side. “That’s good, because I’ll always want you.”

I choke back my instinctive reminder to never make a promise you don’t know you can keep with a forced reminder that Clarke is not either of my parents. I make myself relax into this moment with the knowledge that either my natural instincts about this are wrong and Clarke and I will have our happily ever after, or I need to enjoy this while I can.

“You’re thinking pretty loudly,” Clarke says, jerking me back to the moment.

I sigh and run my free hand down my face only to have it caught by Clarke at my chin so she can entangle our fingers together. “I’m just thinking about us. I’m done ruining things for myself before they have a chance to start. I’m not going to ruin this, Clarke Griffin.”

“I know, Lexa Woods. I’m glad you do too,” she responds and the smile is as clear in her voice as it must be on her face.

Anya comes home a few hours after she should have gotten off work. I glance at the clock then at her with raised eyebrows, hoping for some kind of explanation. Clarke simply smiles and waves at my sister, thanking her for giving us this day, not knowing how late Anya really is.

“Hey, Clarke, Lex. I’m glad to see you two worked it out,” Anya greets and I find myself overanalyzing her statement to find subtext where there probably is none. Before I can even try to press her for information, Anya’s continuing on to her room without another word.

“Excuse me, babe,” I murmur, extracting myself carefully from where Clarke and I ended up lying across the couch. She’s essentially completely on top of me which makes it difficult, but she slides off after swift kiss and allows me to stand. I groan as I stretch and smirk when Clarke’s eyes dip to the skin exposed by my top riding up. She makes eye contact with me again and I expect a blush for being caught, but she simply winks and waves me off toward the hallway.

I wonder at her sudden bravery in comparison to the Clarke that always used to be embarrassed at being caught staring. But then again, I suppose she’s always been the braver of the two of us so I really should expect more boldness from her now. I’m still lost in my thoughts when I find myself in Anya’s doorway, watching her shove some clothes into a backpack. “What are you doing?” I ask, completely forgetting about my original reason for coming here.

“Didn’t Clarke tell you? Raven called her earlier, asked her to spend the night here because I’m going to theirs. I’m just stopping by for some clothes,” Anya responds without looking up and I furrow my brow.

“I wasn’t aware Clarke spending the night?” I try to remember if she’s said anything about it at any point today but I come up blank. Anya glances up at me and freezes when she sees my confusion.

I watch my sister slowly put down the shirt she was shoving into her bag. “Do you want me to stay? Are you two not as good as I thought?”

I shake my head furiously, coming forward to put the shirt in the bag nicely. “No! We’re excellent. We’re together. Go to Raven’s,” I command, smiling at the woman for good measure. I’m touched at her offer to stay, but I don’t like the idea of Clarke going home and having to sleep without her in my arms.

Anya doesn’t need to be told twice and she’s back to packing before I know it. I leave her to it and go back to Clarke in the living room. She looks up at me when I come in and smiles widely. “So, you’re spending the night?” I question as I settle down on the couch with her.

“Oh, yeah! I forgot to tell you! Raven was the one who called earlier, when O was here. She talked to Anya at some point and she wanted the house to themselves tonight. I hope that’s okay?” I smile at how unsure she actually looks, as if I would actually say no to her staying here.

“Of course it’s okay. I was just confused,” I tell her and she sighs with relief and nods against me. “Don’t get any funny ideas, though. I don’t do sex before at least the first date.”

Clarke laughs into my neck and I shy away from the feeling as my ticklish side shines and I find myself laughing with her. “Don’t worry, I won’t steal your virtue,” she giggles. I shove her away, which only causes her to cling to me tighter and laugh harder.

“I hate you,” I grumble through my smile, trying to pout and failing miserably.

“You love me,” she responds in a sing song voice.

“Unfortunately, that I do.”

We make it to bed a few hours later and remain true to our words of no sex. Although, that doesn’t mean no cuddling. Which would almost explain how we went to sleep spooning and I woke up in the morning with Clarke laying on me with her hair in my mouth. It’s nothing like the magical morning you always hear about in movies at books after spending the night with your soulmate. I feel a dull ache in my lower stomach where her elbow is digging into me and I sputter out her hair, trying to figure out a way to escape this mess without waking her up so I can relieve my almost pained bladder.

Eventually, I manage to free myself and Clarke’s still fast asleep when I come back. I gaze at the bed longingly, wanting little more than I lay back down with her and sleep a while longer but the clock says I really need to start getting ready if I’m going to get my run in and get to work on time. So, I write her a short note and leave it on my pillow before leaving the room with a heavy sigh.

Clarke texts me a few times throughout the day, but I don’t see her again until it’s nearly four and I begin to wonder if she’s going to miss seeing the kids today. I promised them all that she’d be here today and I don’t think I could handle their disappointment if she never shows up.

Aden’s watching the door instead of his partner and I’m about to scold him for that, but he ends up being the first to notice when Clarke walks in. “Clarke!” he yells, darting across the room and throwing himself against her.

“Hey, buddy! Sorry I missed Tuesday,” Clarke greets with a huge smile as she kneels to hug Aden. Everyone else runs over then, abandoning my lesson in favor of receiving hugs from Clarke. Her eyes find mine over the sea of kids and I smile at her, nodding for her to give the kids her full attention. I’m content leaning against the wall and watching as she interacts with them so easily, somehow making them all feel equally loved while still managing their chaos so they aren’t all just yelling over each other.

She says something that causes all the kids to freeze before they erupt into noise again. I wonder what she could possibly say to garner such a reaction, but I find my answer in a disappointed Aden staring at me like I killed his puppy. I make my way over to them, smiling at the boy sympathetically.

“Hey, bud, I’m sorry,” I say when I get to him, kneeling down in front of Aden.

“You can still choose me, Clarke. I’m nicer than Lexa. She’s really bossy,” Aden pouts at Clarke and she laughs, nodding along with him.

“You’re probably right, but I really like Lex. And anyway, she’s my soulmate,” Clarke replies gently, causing Aden to turn his pouting stare on me.

“I promise to take really good care of her, okay? And if she ever seems unhappy with me, I promise to give her up then you’ll get your shot. Sound fair?” I reason and the boy thinks it over for a second before smiling and nodding at me. He sticks his hand out for me to shake and I take it with a grin and give it a firm shake.

“Deal,” he states before he turns back to Clarke with a wide smile. “I suppose if I can’t go out with you, Lexa’s a decent second choice.”

Clarke looks between the two of us with mirth making her eyes shine. “Well, I’m glad you can be happy for us. I’d hate to be banned from these classes because any of you guys were unhappy with this.”

I’m overwhelmed with the excitement from the kids, all overjoyed at us finding our soulmate. They bombard us with questions about color and what it feels like and I’m relieved when I notice Anya standing near our office and waving me over. I excuse myself carefully and glance over my shoulder with a smile as I walk away, unable to look away from Clarke as she slowly manages to direct the kids toward the door to the building to wait for their parents.

I look back to Anya when I’m close, raising an eyebrow at her relaxed posture. “What’s up?”

She smirks and shrugs. “I don’t really need anything. You just looked overwhelmed over there. Thought I’d save you.”

“Well, thank you,” I respond with a grin. I lean against the wall next to her, watching Clarke hug kids goodbye as their parents show up to take them home. Most stop to talk to Clarke, happy to have her back after Tuesday. I wonder if they themselves missed her, or if they’re simply happy that their kids got to see her again. Probably the first choice.

“Everyone seems to love her,” Anya states and I glance over at her for a second before looking back at Clarke.

“Yeah, and they’re right to. I really lucked out here,” I respond with a nod.

Anya gags and knocks against me when she straightens up. “You’re disgusting,” she mutters before walking away.

“No, I’m just in love,” I state, earning a grin from over her shoulder.

“And I’m happy for you.”

“I’m happy for you, too. Clearly you got laid last night. You haven’t been in this good a mood since you stopped getting it on a daily basis,” I reply and Anya flips me off behind her back before she disappears into the locker room.

Chapter Text

The Monday after Clarke and I get back together, I can barely drag myself out of bed to go to work. It stormed for hours last night and kept me up with loud thunder crashing through the dark every few seconds. So, after only getting a few hours of sleep since the rain stopped, I force myself through my morning and get ready to go to my gym. I stand in the doorway to my room for a minute, watching Anya and wondering if she’s going to get up.

“Ahn,” I call, taking a step into the room. “Time for work.”

The blonde rolls over, pulling a pillow over her head as she does. “’M not going. You kept me up all night, you let me sleep,” she grumbles. I can barely make out the words but I nod when I figure it out.

“You have a fair point,” I concede. “Thanks for taking care of me last night.” She groans inaudibly in response and I smirk at her. Anya knows I’m terrified of thunder and has always made sure to be there for me during storms. I couldn’t ask for a better sister and it’s about time I cover for her at work and let her have a day off.

I drive straight to the gym from home, bypassing any chances for coffee and much needed caffeine on the way. I’m running late enough as it is, I don’t need to make it worse with a long Starbucks drive through line. By the time I make it to work, I’m just starting to wake up and I know this is going to be a long day.

The door opens and it takes me a moment to understand why my feet are wet when I walk down the two stairs from the entryway to the main part of the gym. I look down slowly, as if being slow will change the outcome, and see at least four inches of water just waiting for me on the floor. I look back and the lower of the two steps if completely submerged.

I have no clue what I’m going to do. This was never in any of my disaster plans for this place. I only ever planned for having everything completely destroyed and gone, I don’t know what to do when it floods. I’m tempted to just sink down and sit where I am, just give up hope completely.

I shake myself out of those thoughts. I can’t just give up because of a little water. I need a plan. I take out my phone and hover my thumb over Anya’s contact information. I can’t call her, though, last night was a lot and she doesn’t need this on top of it all.

Lincoln.

My brother will surely know what to do. I call him and wait impatiently as the phone rings three times. I realize I’m still standing in water after the second ring and go outside, deciding to wait in my car instead. “Hello,” he answers finally, I can hear his exhaustion in his voice and I realize he was probably going to sleep until he was closer to the start of his shift in two hours.

“Hey, Linc. We have a slight problem at the gym,” I inform him, surprisingly having no problem keeping my voice calm. I don’t have the energy to panic and I mostly feel empty right now. I’m simultaneously relieved and worried as I realize what this means.

I hear rustling on the other end of the line, followed by quiet cursing. “What happened? Was there a tornado I didn’t know about?” he sounds panicked and I feel bad for calling and bothering him with this.

“No, no. Nothing like that. There’s just a slight flooding problem,” I reply and I hear his sigh of relief before he realizes what I said.

“A flood?” he questions and I nod even though he can’t see me. I hum the affirmative and he lets out a heavy breath. “Alright, just give me a few minutes and we’ll figure out what to do.”

It takes ten minutes for him to get to the parking lot I’m waiting in. I spend that time trying to Google a way to fix this mess, but I get nowhere with that research. I just see the pages and pages of advice and I’m overwhelmed. Nothing I read sinks in and the hopelessness digs itself a little deeper with every link I scroll past.

Lincoln finally gets there shortly after I get in my car to try and keep warm. I’m startled by his knock on my window, jumping and balling my free hand into a fist in preparation to punch someone. When I look out the window, Lincoln is laughing and I just want to hit the big man. “You’re not funny…” I grumble as I open the door and step out of the vehicle.

“That was a little funny,” he argues lightly and I shake my head at him. “Let’s go check out the damage, huh?” I nod and follow my brother to the door of the gym, trying to mentally prepare myself for the sight as we go.

We get inside and I stand still, looking over as much of the gym as I can see silently. The water is steady and still across the whole place, covering some equipment and ensuring that I’ll probably have to purchase new everything. “I’m just glad we live on a hill,” Lincoln murmurs and I glance over to see him with his hands covering his bowed head.

“What?” I question, unclear on how that’s relevant.

“Well, can you imagine if this was our houses? Our entire basements would be gone. Didn’t you just redo yours and turn it into a home gym? At least this is properly insured,” he comments and I nod, trying to let this thought ease some relief into my system.

We stand in silence for another minute and Lincoln wraps an arm around my shoulder in what I’m sure is meant to be a comforting gesture. Although, I know he knows how I feel about being touched when I’m upset so this is surely more for him than me. With that in mind, I allow his arm to stay where it is and even wrap rest my head against his shoulder. My arms stay where they are, crossed tightly over my chest as if I’m trying to keep all the pieces there.

“What now?” I whisper finally, breaking the silence with my barely there words.

Lincoln sighs and takes a step away. I watch him run a hand over this shaved head anxiously. “There are surely companies devoted to cleaning this kind of thing up. I’ll make a few calls. Why isn’t Anya here?” he asks as he pulls out his phone to search for a company to fix this mess.

“You know how I am about thunder. I thought she deserved a day off after that,” I explain and he nods. I deflate as I look back at the water and realize we’re going to need more help. “I’ll call and get her here.”

Lincoln nods and walks away, his phone to his ear. I pull mine out and dial Anya’s number, feeling bad even as I’m tapping the call button. It only rings twice before she answers with a snapped, “What?”

“The gym is flooded, Ahn,” I tell her quietly. The words get caught in my throat on their way out and Anya takes a moment to decipher the sounds before I hear a few choice curses and a flurry of panicked activity on the other end.

“I’ll be right there,” Anya says and I can just imagine her throwing things around in search of something to wear.

“I’m sorry,” I murmur just before my phone beeps at me to let me know the connection was lost. I go back outside and stare up at the sky, still grey and gloomy with the promise of more rain to come. The forecast doesn’t call for any more major storms in the next few days, though, so I’m just grateful for that.

Lincoln paces through the parking lot as he talks to someone on his phone and his movement distracts me from my hateful gaze toward the sky. I glance back over my shoulder toward my office I can just make out through the glass door to the gym. I probably need to get in there and hope it’s elevation preserved it from the water. With any luck, my computer is still up and I can still use it. I’m just glad we make sure to unplug everything at night to preserve power so hopefully nothing shorted out with the water damage.

With one last glance in Lincoln’s direction to confirm that he’s still on the phone, I wade through the water to get to my office. The carpet squelches as I walk across it, but that’s all the water there is in the room. I’m relieved when I see it’s still mostly safe from water damage. I quickly get set to work on my computer, updating the social media to say we’re closed today and contacting everyone who regularly comes in on Mondays to make sure they know not to come today. By the time I’ve finished and made it back outside, Anya has arrived and she’s talking with Lincoln.

I tape a handwritten sign on the door declaring our predicament and make my way over to my two siblings. “Were you able to hire someone?” I ask when I get to them. Lincoln nods and holds his phone out for me to look over their website. I glance through it quickly and nod at what I see. “Ok, so I’ve already let everyone know we’re closed today. If they manage to get it all cleaned up, we can let it air out overnight then figure out what we need to replace and buy it tomorrow. Hopefully we’ll be up and running again by Wednesday.”

“I’ll hang out here for when they show up. You two can go home. There’s no point in having three people here right now,” Anya commands and I shake my head.

“No way. It’s my gym, I can stay. You were supposed to have the day off anyway,” I argue.

Anya looks to Lincoln for help and he nods. “Lex, go home. You’re too freaked out to be here. You too, Anya. We all know I’m the most level headed of us, let me deal with this.”

“So what? I can just go sit at home all day and worry about how this is going? No, I’m staying.” I cross my arms over my chest and stare at the other two, refusing to back down from this.

My siblings share a look and sigh in resignation. “Alright, I’ll stay with you, you go on home, Anya,” Lincoln says and I nod. I’d rather he just go home too but at least they’re letting me stay now. Lincoln walks with Anya back to her car and I try to figure out what they’re saying in their murmured conversation but I have no luck.

“Seriously, Linc, thanks for staying but I’m an adult, I can handle this on my own,” I tell Lincoln when he comes back to stand next to me.

He sighs and bumps his shoulder into my own. “I know you’re a grown up, but I’m your big brother. It’s my job to take care of you.”

“You’re two months older than me you dick,” I point out, drawing a laugh from the man.

“But I’m much bigger.”

“Touché.”

We go to my car eventually, sitting with the heater and radio on while we wait for the cleaning crew to get here. They said sometime between 9 and 11, so we’re still supposed to be waiting when a car pulls into the lot at 8:32. I recognize it the instant I see it, but I can’t quite place who’s it is so I assume it’s a regular I forgot to contact.

“I’ve got this one,” I say as I open my door. It’s the third car to come to the gym and Lincoln took the last one. I walk over to the vehicle and stop in the spot when I see the person driving it. “Clarke?”

The blonde steps out of the vehicle and watches me with a small smile. “Sorry about the gym,” she says after a moment and I shake my head.

“Not your fault. What are you doing here? Don’t you have class?” I question with an unnecessary glance at my watch.

She shakes her head and steps forward to pull me into a hug. “Class was canceled. Turns out this wasn’t the only flood from last night. I was going to sleep for a while, but I heard a certain someone needed moral support,” she explains and I frown into her shoulder where I buried my face.

“Go home, sleep,” I command even as I wrap my arms around her waist and hold her tighter.

Clarke giggles and shakes her head. “Only if you come with me. Lincoln has it covered, I promise. And Raven supposedly knows a guy so her and Anya will be back soon.”

“Clarke, I can’t just abandon my gym right now. It’s my responsibility,” I mutter, the will to fight this battle quickly draining from my system. I’m tired and Clarke’s offer to cuddle with her and nap sounds better by the second.

Clarke grabs my shoulders and pushes me away far enough that she can make eye contact. “It’s not abandoning. You’ve had a rough couple of weeks, you don’t need this to pile on top of everything else.”

I sigh and nod slowly. “Fine, let me just get my car,” I give in and Clarke smiles brightly at me for it.

“Great!”

I go back to my car and scowl and Lincoln. “Is this your fault?” He nods sheepishly and I swat his shoulder gently. “Call me if anything happens.”

“Will do. Now go get some sleep, Commander,” he replies with a small smile.

“Thanks,” I call after him after he gets out of my car and goes back to his own.

We get to Clarke’s house and she takes me straight to her room, pulling me into her bed. It takes some negotiation to get her to let me go long enough to change into some pajamas of mine that have somehow ended up in her dresser over the time we’ve known each other. Clarke’s half asleep by the time I make it back to bed and she’s completely out shortly after I settle in with her arms around me and my back pressed to her front. I know she’s tired when she doesn’t even make her usual joke about the “big bad commander” being the little spoon.

I try to sleep but my brain won’t shut off long enough so I end up just staring at my phone waiting for the phone call that will declare the end of my gym’s life. Sure, the flooding didn’t seem that terrible, but it would be just my luck that something went horribly wrong and we won’t be able to reopen.

Sleep evidently takes me eventually as I’m waking up in the late afternoon and Clarke’s warmth has disappeared from my back. I roll over to see where she went and I find her sitting up a few inches away with a sketchbook propped against her knees. I blink up at her tiredly and she smiles down at me, running a hand gently over my head before leaning over to kiss me gently. I lift my head to chase her lips when she pulls way, frowning that the following giggle that slips between her grinning lips.

“How are you feeling?” she asks carefully, her worry evident in her tone even as her face remains relaxed in a smile.

I shrug and scoot over to wrap my arms around her waist. I press my face into her side and mutter my responding, “Fine.”

Clarke’s hand drops to scratch the top of my head gently and I melt under the soothing gesture. “What does fine mean?” she questions and I shrug again. “So it means ecstatic, right? If I’m supposed to interpret it on my own, that’s what I want it to mean.”

I smile against her side and shake my head. “Sure, that works.” Clarke sighs and I don’t know what to tell her. “Can we just stay here for a while?” I request, not sure how else to tell her I’m just empty today and I just don’t want to be alone.

“Whatever you want, babe,” she replies and I’m soothed by the scratching of her pencil against the paper resuming.

A few hours later, I stand slowly and stretch. My stomach rumbles loudly so I hold my hand out for Clarke to take and lead her downstairs where I raid their kitchen for something I can put together into a meal.

“Do you want to tell me what that was?” Clarke finally asks as I’m stirring the pasta.

I freeze before shrugging and resuming my stirring, hoping to get her to drop it. “Nothing. It’s fine.”

“Lexa,” she sighs and I turn off the stove to turn to her. “I just want to help but I need to know what’s going on.”

“It just hasn’t been the best day. I promise I’m good.”

Clarke sighs again and drops her gaze. I know she doesn’t want to drop the subject, but she’s being careful not to push me too hard and I appreciate that. “I’ll be back in a few minutes,” Clarke states before turning and leaving the room. I sigh at her retreating figure, cursing myself mentally for my inability to open up. I want to go after her and apologize, but I turn back to my cooking instead.

I’m practically finished when she finally comes back. “Apparently the gym is finished so Lincoln, Anya, and Raven will be here in a couple minutes to eat. They said they’ll tell you all about it when they get here,” Clarke says when she returns.

“Perfect, I’m almost done here. Is Octavia home?” I ask without turning around to look at the blonde.

I hear a cupboard door open and the clanging of plates being taken out. “Yeah,” Clarke says shortly. She’s already gone again when I turn around to face her. I don’t have another opportunity to talk to her before the others start coming through the front door.

I grab Clarke’s hand loosely so she can pull away if she wants and tug her from the commotion. “Can we talk?” I ask quietly, bending down to whisper the words to her. She glances toward the others then back at me. Slowly, she nods and follows me back to the kitchen while everyone else gathers in the dining room.

“I’m sorry about today. I just have days like that sometimes. Things just get to be too much and I shut down for a while. Today it just lasted for a few hours, sometimes it lasts for weeks. I didn’t mean to push you away, I just don’t know how to talk about it. I’m just grateful you were with me this time,” I explain quietly, watching her reactions carefully. She keeps her face blank while I’m talking and for a moment after I finish.

Her eyes give her away, though. I can see her fear and worry in their blue depths even when she nods and smiles at me carefully. “Ok. I was worried you’d just shut me out and leave. I need you with me, Lex,” she responds and I nod. “So you’re good now?” I nod again and she smiles wider. “Good.”

We go back in the other room and settle in with everyone else who started eating without us. “Wow, can’t even wait for the cook before you start eating,” I joke as I dish myself out some food after Clarke.

“Do you wait for the chef at a restaurant?” Raven counters and I flip her off before looking at my siblings expectantly.

“A lot of the equipment needs replaced but it’s all cleaned up. It still needs to dry more, but we should be good to reopen by the end of the week at the latest,” Anya informs me and I smile at the news.

“Ok. I can deal with that. I assume you made a list of what needs bought?” I request and Anya nods again, pulling out her phone and handing it to me. I glance over the list and nod. We quickly sort out who’s going shopping with me before we switching to less stressful dinner conversation with ease.

Chapter Text

The front door opens and I don’t even look up from the pancakes I’m making, knowing it’s Clarke who just walked into my house. She was supposed to be here twenty minutes ago, but I’ve come to expect her to be late to everything. Especially when it’s this early on a Saturday.

“Hey, Sky Princess,” I call, mostly just to let Clarke know where I am. I glance over my shoulder at the doorway just in time to see her poke her head around to look at me. A wide grin grows on her face when she sees me and she saunters into the room with her hands behind her back, all the while looking like she knows some secret I’m not yet in on.

Clarke stops when she’s standing directly behind me, planting a brief kiss on my shoulder blade before resting her chin on my shoulder. “Hey, Commander,” she smirks and I scoff at the nickname.

“I regret ever opening my gym,” I state, causing Clarke to cock her head to the side and peer at me curiously. “Because if the gym wasn’t open, Octavia and Lincoln never would’ve met. Therefore, you wouldn’t know about that nickname.”

Clarke laughs at my logic, but quickly regains her composure and juts out her bottom lip in a pout. “But if Linc and O never met, we wouldn’t know each other,” she points out and I shake my head slowly.

“That’s not true. We would’ve found each other somehow. In which case, I would’ve convinced you to elope with me and we’d move far away before our families found each other. Everyone would still be happy and the nickname would’ve been left in the past,” I argue and Clarke keeps a straight face for a moment as if she’s actually thinking it through before she laughs yet again.

Clarke turns her head so her lips are brushing against my ear and whispers, “But I think the Commander is hot,” before backing away from me to lean against the table. A shudder goes through my body at her words, and I freeze in my spot. When I glance over my shoulder at the blonde, she’s watching me with a smirk and I frown at her.

“You’re so mean,” I state, earning a giggle and a half nod from Clarke. I finish up the final pancake, setting it in the pile on the plate next to me, and turn around. “So what have you been hiding behind your back all morning?”

She smiles widely and sidesteps around the table so whatever she has remains behind her back as she gets to the other side when I step forward with the plate of pancakes. “I know it’s not as romantic as eloping the moment we meet, but I brought you a present,” she says, slowly pulling the item from behind her back. I don’t know what I expect, maybe some flowers or something typical like that, but that’s not what I get.

I can’t contain my laughter when I take in the sight of Clarke holding a stuffed T-rex in front of her. Her grin is wide and eyes bright as she watches me reach out to take the toy, holding him to my chest even as I continue laughing. “Is there a reason you went with this particular present?” I question through my dying laughter.

She nods and watches me for a few seconds, beginning her explanation only when it becomes clear I don’t understand. “Our first kiss. It wasn’t exactly in the dinosaur section of the museum, but amazingly enough, they don’t sell merchandising of the hallways between exhibits. The closest one was the dinosaurs, and this guy was too adorable to pass up.”

I smile and lean across the table to press a gentle and slow kiss on Clarke’s lips. “Were we even actually near the dinosaurs?” I question, lips hovering centimeters from hers.

“Probably. I don’t know,” she replies and I laugh against her lips when I go in for another swift kiss before sitting down. “To be perfecting honest, she was just too cute and I figured anything from the museum gift shop would work.”

“Oh? So it’s a she now?” I question, setting the stuffed animal carefully on the table. I raise an eyebrow at Clarke skeptically and she blushes, nodding. “Do you already have a name picked out for her?”

Clarke busies herself with piling food on her plate as if that will drown out her murmured confirmation to my guess. She glances up at me and frowns at the smirk on my lips. “You know, that’s not important. She’s your T-rex, you name her,” Clarke protests and I simply shake my head to shoot down the idea. “Fine, I thought she looks like a T-Rexa.”

“Oh my god. Did you seriously buy me a stuffed animal just to because you could name it after my old one and make it a pun?” I ask incredulously.

Clarke glances down at the toy then looks back at me with a sheepish grin. “That wasn’t my intention originally. I thought it was just a cute pun from your name. But then I remembered your story and Rexa and I thought it could be named that, like, in honor of your dog. If it just brings back painful memories, though, you can change it. Or get rid of her altogether. It’s fine.” She looks like she’s actually nervous, like this name is going to make be break down completely.

I reach over to lay my hand over hers, her thumb rubbing the handle of her fork as she waits for my decision. “I love it. That’s really sweet, actually. Thank you,” I say, calming the blonde and getting that blinding smile back on her face. “Although, now you won’t be needing to stay over since I have a new cuddle buddy.”

I can see Clarke’s muscles moving as she tries to school her face into a more serious expression and she glares at T-Rexa like the toy personally attacked her. “Well now I regret buying her for you.”

“As you probably should. You can actually go now. I think the two of us are going to spend the day getting to know each other before hopping into be together.” I smirk at Clarke and retract my hand from hers only to lay it on T-Rexa’s foot. “The Land Before Time is on Netflix, I figure that’d be fun to watch together. Of course, it’d be better if it was the one where they found Chomper, but the first on will have to do.”

“You’re seriously the worst.”

“Oh, wait! Wasn’t Chomper in that other one that’s on Netflix? It’s not as good as early in the series, but it’s closer! Do you want to watch that, T-Rexa?” I ask and I shake the toy a bit so it looks like it’s nodding. “Perfect! Sorry, Clarke, but you’d just be a third wheel if you stayed for that.”

The blonde shakes her head and laughs at my behavior. “I hate you,” she grumbles and I can only chuckle in response.

“You love me and you know it,” I remind her teasingly. Clarke glances up at me for a moment before looking back at her food, and the shine in her eyes at the mention of love is all I need in order to know it’s true.

We wind up in the living room after we finish eating. Lay across the couch with Clarke on top of me and T-Rexa cradled in my other arm while we watch TV. It takes a while, but we eventually wind up on Netflix to watch the movie I was joking about earlier. It takes all for 2 minutes before Clarke starts complaining. “Thirteen movies of exposition is a bit much. Can’t they just assume we’ve seen them all and know what’s going on?” Clarke sighs and I press a kiss to her forehead with a small smile.

“Have you?” I question, earning another sigh from the blonde.

“Well, no. But I can google anything I’m confused about,” she counters and I laugh into her hair. “And Dinosaur is better anyway.”

“Is it? I’ve never seen it.”

Clarke pauses the movie and sits up in one fluid motion, watching me incredulously. “What is wrong with your childhood? You’ve seen every single one of these, but you haven’t seen Dinosaur? Plus you never saw Studio Ghibli before we met? I need to have a serious talk with Indra one of these days. Or maybe Gustus, Indra still kinda freaks me out.”

“To be fair,” I point out in my own defense, “I’d only seen the first couple of these when I was a kid. Lincoln found a DVD set with all 14 recently and bought it as a present for me so we watched them all one weekend.”

“Why did we need to go to Netflix then?” Clarke questions, growing even more incredulous by the second.

I pause and look at the TV, frowning in thought. “It’s easier,” I reply eventually with a half-hearted shrug. I gently remove the remote from Clarke’s hand and hold my arm out for her to curl into again. She lays back down and I wait before I push play. “So, how about this? You watch the rest of this and I’ll watch Dinosaur with you sometime.”

“You’d watch it with me anyway and you know it, you giant dork,” Clarke laughs and I grin, nodding my agreement. “But sure, let’s do it.”

Clarke falls asleep before the movie is over and I’m not even surprised or offended. She had a night exam last night and so I know she didn’t get done with her homework until after midnight so it was amazing that she suggested coming over for breakfast today. Frankly, I’m surprised she lasted as long as she did before she fell asleep. I’m happy to let her rest, though, deciding to flip over to Friends so Clarke has something good to watch when she wakes up.

Naturally, I’m really annoyed when the doorbell rings not even an hour after the movie is over, waking Clarke up. She jolts awake and sits up, looking around frantically for a moment in fear. Her wide eyes fall to my face, and she relaxes instantly when she sees that I’m here and calm. I sit up and rub my hands up and down her arms reassuringly before I gently shift her off of me and stand up to answer the door.

I peer through the window curiously, wondering who would be visiting right now. There’s no one there, however, so I frown and open the door slowly. “Who’s there?” Clarke calls from the living room, her voice thick still from sleep.

I scowl when I step outside and see a package addressed to Anya sitting on the front porch. “No one. My dick sister just got a package,” I call back to her, picking up the box and heading back into the living room. I dump the box on the coffee table and settle back into the couch. I pull Clarke against me with my arm wrapped around her shoulder and she happily falls into my side.

Clarke turns her head to press her lips to my collar bone with a quiet hum. “You know,” she murmurs against my skin, “we’ve been together for over a week but we still haven’t gone on a date. We should probably get on that.”

“You mean these days of cuddling on the couch and watching TV don’t count as dates?” I question almost sincerely. She’s right, though, when I think back on it. It hardly feels like we’ve been together two days, but in reality, it’s already the second Saturday since we officially got together and we let that first weekend go by without even putting thought toward a date.

Clarke shakes her head ‘no’ and peers up at me. “They are great, though. Ten out of ten would recommend.”

“Tomorrow?” I ask, earning a confused look from the blonde. “A date. We can do something tomorrow.”

She thinks about it for a second, furrowing her brows as if in deep thought. “I think tomorrow will work. Let me check with my assistant and get back to you.”

“Ha ha ha. You’re hilarious.”

“I know.”

Anya comes home after her shift to find me alone in the house with T-Rexa cradled in one arm while the other holds the book I’m reading. She takes one glance at the dinosaur, shakes her head like she’s dismissing even the idea of asking what it’s about, and sits next to me. “Where’s Clarke?” she asks after pulling out her phone and texting Raven silently for a few minutes.

“You and Raven aren’t attached at the hip, why would you think Clarke and I are?” I question with a raised eyebrow but without looking up from the page. Anya looks at me for a moment with her eyes squinted just barely, but plenty for me to know she’s trying to read something on my face to figure out what’s going one. “We can be separated for an hour outside of work and class without a fight being involved.” She frowns and looks back at her phone and I glance at it just long enough to see that she’s typing out a text to ask Raven if Clarke’s upset about something. “She has a group project, okay?”

Anya looks back at me and smirks at the exasperation that’s clear as day on my face. “How are you holding up?” she questions and I elbow her roughly in the ribs.

“She’s been replaced, anyway. T-Rexa is my true love now,” I remark, hugging the toy a bit closer to my body.

Anya sighs and shakes her head. “I was planning to ignore that, but now you’ve forced me to acknowledge it. I hate you for that. What’s up with it anyway?” I laugh at Anya’s dramatics when she plucks the dinosaur from my grip and looks over it carefully.

“Clarke’s story was that our first kiss was right outside the dinosaur exhibit at the museum,” I explain and Anya scoffs. She glances at me for a moment and I know my sister well enough to know that she wants the real story. “She was overwhelmed by how cute it was when she was in the gift shop. I don’t think she even considered anything else after she saw this.”

“Ah. Cute. You two are so gross and perfect for each other,” Anya mutters and tosses me the toy back. “So is she spending the night here?”

“I think so, yeah. Apparently inspiration struck this week so her room is a disaster area of art supplies.” I haven’t been allowed to see anything yet because she refuses to let people see unfinished work, but I smile at the thought that she’s getting this into her art. It’s been a lot more frequent in her life since she gained color, and I can’t help noticing how much happier she is when she’s spending a lot of time on it.

Anya’s laughter breaks me out of my thoughts and I scowl at the older girl as she mocks me. “You’re seriously so gross. She’s not even here and you’ve got heart eyes just thinking about her.”

“At least we’re able to keep our clothes on around each other. Maybe you and Raven should take notes.” I frown when Anya just smirks at me and shoves my shoulder.

“Whatever. As if you aren’t getting it on a nightly basis.” I blush at her assumption and her smile only widens in realization. “Oh shit! You two haven’t even had sex? But you’ve slept together nearly every night since you got together!”

“Butt out, Ahn. Just because we’re taking longer than you and Raven doesn’t mean we’re doing it wrong,” I pout.

“No, you know what? I’m actually really happy about that. My baby sister doesn’t need to have sex,” Anya states and I roll my eyes. The front door opens when I try to respond, but I shut my mouth quickly and try not to blush when Clarke walks in the room.

Clarke looks between us in confusion, no doubt wanting to know what’s got me red in the face and Anya grinning like she won the lottery. I shake my head at her, silently begging her not to ask and desperately hoping Anya won’t tell her. I think I’m in the clear when Anya stands up and stretches with the declaration that she’s going out with Raven.

She pauses next to Clarke on her way out and I know I shouldn’t have gotten my hopes up so soon. “Now don’t steal my sister’s virtue while I’m out,” she commands Clarke before she continues walking.

“It’s not like I have much to steal!” I yell after Anya and I hear her chuckle before the front door opens and quickly closes again.

“Care to explain what just happened?” Clarke asks, watching me curiously as I close my eyes and tip my head back against the couch with a sigh.

“She’s a dick, that’s what happened,” I groan and Clarke laughs while she comes over and burrows into my side. I let my head fall to the side so forehead is resting against the top of her head.

Clarke nods at my words and I allow my head to shift up and down with hers as she does. “Sure, seems fair.” The room falls silent for the shortest of moments before she takes in a breath and I know what she’s about to ask. “Did you tell her we’re not having sex yet? Because, while I don’t mind, that’s kind of a weird thing to talk to your sister about, don’t you think?”

“You talk to Octavia and Raven about sex,” I point out and she pauses for a moment in thought before nodding along with my point. “And she kinda just figured it out.”

“Well I don’t know about you, but I’d like to wait until we’ve gone on at least one date,” Clarke says and I nod.

My stomach grumbles loudly then, reminding me that I meant to grab supper and hour ago but kept putting it off for ‘one more chapter’. Clarke giggles at the sound before standing and offering a hand to pull me up after her. “Okay, so food now and finish this conversation tomorrow?” she offers with a slight head tilt and a smile.

“Sounds fair to me.”

Chapter Text

Clarke is supposed to be at my house to pick me up for our first date at 7 in the evening, which is fifteen minutes from now, and I still have no clue what I’m going to wear. My clothes are thrown around my room haphazardly and I pace around my bed, inspecting my options as I anxiously try and decide on an outfit. I pick up a shirt and hold it to my chest while I look in the mirror, only to throw it back down with an annoyed scoff when it doesn’t feel perfect.

Annoyed, I leave my room and stalk to Anya’s to ask her opinion. I don’t expect to find anyone else there, sure that she’s still napping like she was the last time I went to talk to her. With that in mind, I don’t bother to cover myself up. The number of times we’ve accidentally seen each other in just our underwear or a towel is just unfortunate. Also, high enough that you’d think we would eventually learn to just take our clothes to the bathroom with us when we shower.

“Anya, please help me. What does ‘casual but not basketball shorts casual’ even mean?” I question while looking at my phone to see if that’s what the text really says for probably the hundredth time this afternoon. “Secondary question, what the hell was I thinking when I agreed to let Clarke schedule the da… Hi, Raven.” When I finally look up, I see Raven sitting up on the bed next to where my sister is lying, an X-box controller in her hand. A scowl is firmly etched into her face so I assume she’s losing pretty hard.

Anya doesn’t pause the game and I wouldn’t think she even heard me if not for the response I get after a second. “I don’t know, sis. I’m sure she’d think you look hot in whatever you wear. Just go in that,” she mutters without looking at me.

Raven glances over toward me and her eyebrows raise as her scowl turns into a smirk. “Yeah, I’m sure she’d love that,” Raven comments while her eyes drag over me. I glance down at myself and remember I’m just in my bra and underwear. A squeak escapes my mouth that I immediately know I’ll never live down and I jump to the side to hide myself behind the wall. I poke my head around the doorway to glare at Raven as she laughs at me.

Anya finally pauses the game and looks over when Raven starts laughing, letting out a chuckle of her own at my hiding body and the blush I can feel heating my face. “You know, as long as you’re here, you could tell me what I should wear,” I point out to Raven when she finally gets her laughter under control.

“No can do, Commander. I’ve been given very specific instructions not to do that,” she argues and I roll my eyes with a sigh.

Anya glances back to Raven and murmurs something I can’t hear that’s followed by a nod from Raven and a quick kiss shared between the two. “Alright, I’ll just go help the dweeb out. Don’t cheat while I’m gone.”

As we walk away, I think I can barely hear Raven mutter, “As if I can cheat myself out of this one anyway.” I share a glance with Anya, who smirks and rolls her eyes at her girlfriend’s pouting.

“So, I’m not going to lie, I’m grateful but amazed that all you guys are doing is playing video games,” I comment as we near my room and Anya knocks into my shoulder with a snort.

“We do more than just have sex all the time, you know,” she says and I roll my eyes exaggeratedly.

“Sure you do. Is that a new thing?”

“At least we’ve had sex…”

Anya stops in the middle of my room, taking a small turn to take in the damage. When she completely her spin, she settles her gaze on me with a raised eyebrow. “You’ve never been this nervous about a girl. Not even Costia. And we both know that relationship wasn’t near as easy as this one,” she says carefully and I duck my head a bit and shrug.

“We both know that Clarke is special. Even beyond the whole soulmate thing,” I remind her with a small smile.

When I look back at my sister, she’s smirking at me. “You’re so smitten, it’s gross.”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah. Just help me pick an outfit. She’ll be here soon,” I request with my best puppy dog eyes. Anya scoffs before she turns around and looks over my scattered clothes again. It’s only seconds between her turn and when she’s picking up clothes for me and I frown at the ease with which she approaches this. I almost reprimand her for not taking this seriously enough, but I soon decide that she’s being nice so it might not be my best move to tell her she’s not doing it right.

I quickly pull on the clothes she offers, frowning when it’s just a black button down shirt with my best black skinny jeans. I know Clarke loves those jeans on me, she’s complimented them multiple times, but this outfit just seems a bit too simple for the occasion.

I turn back to Anya with a raised eyebrow and an open mouth to ask if she’s sure, but she cuts me off with a nod. “You know Clarke thinks you’re hot in those jeans and she’s totally into that button down look you love to do. Go with it and you might even get laid tonight.”

I turn back to the mirror with an open mind and take in the look. I guess it might work. It’s missing something, though. I go to my closet and dig around for a minute, soon emerging victorious with the perfect tie. It’s slim and the exact color of green that I know Clarke loves, every time I wear it she points out that it makes my eyes pop.

I slip the tie on quickly and make quick work of finding my favorite converse in the wreckage that is my room. I only have one on, though, when the doorbell rings. “That’s Clarke!” I hiss to Anya, panicked.

My sister simply chuckles at my panic and nods. “Yes, I would assume it is. You finish up here, I’ve got it,” she offers and I nod gratefully.

It takes a full five seconds for me to realize the flaw.

I barrel down the hallway while hopping on one foot and trying to get a shoe on the other, chasing down Anya. Her head start was too long, though, and she’s opened the door before I can get there and stop her. “Hey, Anya,” I hear Clarke greet and I slow down as her voice calms me a bit.

“Hello, Clarke. I need a word while my sister finishes getting ready,” Anya replies and I frown. “You know she’s been hurt before. So you know that if you make her go through that again, your friend being my soulmate won’t stop be from making you regret it. Got it?”

I pick up the pace again, my shoe finally on, and shove Anya out of the way when I get to the door. “Bye, Anya!” I shout as I slam the door in her face and grab Clarke’s hand to tug her away from the house.

We get in the car and I notice Clarke watching me with a small smile when I climb in after holding her door open for her. I smile back at her and reach across the console to pull her hand into my own, lifting it to my lips to press a kiss to the back of it. “Hi,” I greet when I remember that I haven’t yet.

“Hi,” she replies before leaning over to kiss me gently. “You look great,” she murmurs when she pulls away.

My eyes drift down her body to take in the green shirt she has on that shockingly matches my tie and her skinny jeans with the holes in the knees. “So do you,” I whisper before leaning over to place a lingering kiss on her lips.

I feel her mouth curl up in a smile under my lips and I pull away just far enough to look into her eyes as they open slowly. “We’ve got a whole date ahead of us that doesn’t involve this car, you know,” she jokes and I grin.

“Ah, but I thought this was it. I was really into it,” I reply, earning a giggle from the blonde.

“Nope, now behave. I put a lot of thought into this.” She places a hand on my shoulder, gently pushing me back into my seat. I go along with it, settling back and buckling in before we head out.

Soon, we’re pulling up at a familiar café. I turn to Clarke with a raised eyebrow when she parks and she grins excitedly at me. “I thought you could actually eat this time,” she comments teasingly.

“Oh, wow, is this a date or are you just making fun of me?” I respond in kind.

“Of course not, Woods,” Clarke replies with an eye roll I barely catch as we’re getting out of the car. “You’re far too cute to make fun of.”

I nod in agreement before I realize what she said. “Wait a second!” I pause in my steps, “Pick one! Either ‘Commander’ or cute! They don’t mix!”

Clarke’s laughter trails behind her as she continues on into the café without me.

We have a nice time at the café, much better than our first experience there together. After an hour and a half of near endless talking, we’re asked to leave so they can close up. Clarke assures me as we leave, though, that she has further plans for the night.

Fifteen minutes later, Clarke pulls up to a building I don’t recognize. I look to her curiously as we get out, after looking around and finding that there are no clues as to what’s in store here. Clarke just smiles at me, and I have no choice but
to just go along with it.

She takes my hand and guides me into the building, pausing when we get inside. I look around and take in the room. It’s big and mostly empty, with paintings lining the walls and a few art supplies pushed against one wall. In the center of the room, a giant pile of pillows and blankets await us.

Clarke watches me as I take in the room and when I turn back to her, she seems almost nervous. “What is this?” I question quietly, almost feeling as though loud noises aren’t welcome here.

“An art studio I used to work in a lot during college. I double majored in biology and art, so I spent a lot of time here for that art degree. I talked to one of my old professors, and he agreed to let me borrow the studio for tonight. Come on,” she urges, tugging my hand and walking toward the pillows. She climbs into the center and I follow right behind her, unsure where this is going but fine with whatever it is. We reach the middle and she stops me with a hand to my chest, silently communicating that I need to stay where I am while she goes and does something.

I settle in and wait, expecting anything but still surprised when a projector flicks on and a familiar cartoon floods what I believed to be a giant empty canvas propped against the wall ahead of us.

Clarke crawls over to me, smiling at the shock clearly showing on my face. “You didn’t think we’d do dinner and no movie, did you?” she questions victoriously.

“I have to admit, I’m amazed. This is great, Clarke,” I concede while she burrows into my side. She turns her face up to mine, puckering her lips expectantly. I gladly give her the requested kiss before turning back to My Neighbor Totoro as it's projected on the screen in front of us.

Clarke talks through the movie, as I expect of her at this point. I laugh at her commentary when necessary, but mostly just remain quiet to let her do her thing. Towards the end of the movie, her words slow until they stop and I’m half convinced she’s fallen asleep by the time the credits start.

“Clarke?” I tilt my head forward to try and get a glimpse of her face without jostling her too much. She hums her acknowledgment and I relax again with the knowledge that she’s already awake so I don’t need to be extra careful trying to let her sleep. “You’re awful quiet, what’s up?”

“I’m just thinking,” she replies and there’s a soothing lilt to her voice that lets me know it’s not a bad thing.

I kiss the top of her head and smile when she presses her head up into the touch. “What about?” I murmur into her hair, my nose wrinkling when it’s tickled by the movement.

Clarke looks up at me with a small smile and presses forward to meet my lips in a slow and gentle kiss. “There’s nowhere I’d rather be than right here,” she whispers without pulling away. I pull back to rest my forehead against hers, opening my eyes to watch hers flutter open slowly.

“I guess that means the date is over and we’re just living here then, huh?” I suggest with a grin and I watch her laughter light up her eyes milliseconds before it escapes her mouth.

“I’d say yes, but I need to prove a point to Octavia and not just U-haul with you,” she comments through her giggles as they slowly die down.

I bite my lip to hold in my laugh at that, furrowing my brow instead as if I’m confused. Which I’m sure would go better if I could control the smile that’s breaking my control a bit better. “What? Octavia thinks we’re going to U-haul? It’s like she doesn’t even know me.” Clarke pulls away to tilt her head adorably in question to that. I can just see her trying to find a nice way of pointing out that we’ve spent practically every night since becoming a couple together so we’re basically one step away from moving in together. I speak before she can, though, not wanting to admit that she has a point. “I have very serious rules about that kind of thing. We can discuss that at a later time.”

Clarke raises an eyebrow at me and her lips slowly lift into a knowing grin. “And what are we going to do in the meantime?” she asks before leaning forward slowly until her lips meet mine. This time the kiss is more hungry and rough than before and her hands find their way to my shoulders, tugging me closer to her. I follow her as she leans back, holding myself up with my forearms and tugging her bottom lip gently with my teeth before I pull away.

She whines at the loss of contact and I smirk at the sound. “I thought you had more date plans,” I mutter and this time, there is absolutely nothing I can do to hold back a chuckle when Clarke opens her eyes and glares at me.

“Remind me, why am I dating you?” Clarke huffs while shoving me off of her and crawling over to turn off the projector.

“Because the universe told you to,” I laugh, earning myself a middle finger over her shoulder. “I already said not now, remember?”

“I seriously hate you,” Clarke says without looking up from what she’s doing, but I can hear the smile in her voice so I just grin at the sentiment.

“Love you too, babe.”

What I assume to be the last stop for the night is the beach. At first, I don’t realize what beach it is, mostly due to the fact that I spent more of the drive watching Clarke’s profile as she drove and admiring how serious she is while simultaneously singing along to the pop music flowing through the radio, but we get out and I notice it’s the same beach we went to on our first night of hanging out.

“Oh? You want to get laid and you take me to Slut Shame Beach? Seems like an odd choice,” I remark with a smirk, raising an eyebrow at the blonde as she just scoffs and walk toward the sand. I hold an open hand out to Clarke and watch her with a pout as she just glances at the offered hand and keeps walking. I jog forward those few steps to catch up with her to brush my hand carefully against Clarke’s, grinning when she takes it with her own.

Clarke lifts my hand and pulls it over her head so my shoulder rests on her shoulders as we walk down the beach. “I know you don’t want sex yet. I have no plans of getting laid tonight,” Clarke points out gently, sweetly, with a short glance directed toward me from the corner of her eye.

I lean down to kiss her cheek gently, tugging her tighter into my side. “That’s sweet. Thank you. But what makes you think I don’t want sex yet?”

I feel her lift her shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. “I don’t know. You just never seem like you’re ready to move forward, you know, physically. And the way you talked about your past, after Costia, I don’t know. It just feels like this is important to you and it’s important to me that our first time together is perfect. So we’ll wait.”

I stop walking and spin Clarke to stand in front of me so I can look her in the eye. “Thank you. You’re honestly perfect.” I press a kiss to the corner of her mouth. “And this has been the perfect first date.” I brush my lips against hers briefly before wrapping my arm back around her shoulders and continuing walking. Her arms wind around my waist as we go and her head rests against my shoulder.

“I thought we should go to Polis, but it seemed lame to take you to your uncle’s restaurant on the first date. I hope you can forgive the slight change from our first day together,” Clarke points out after a short walk down the beach in a comfortable silence.

“You’re right, family owned restaurants are at least a third date move,” I mock lightly and Clarke swats at my stomach with a feigned offended gasp. I run my hand down her arm in what is meant as a calming gesture, but I feel goosebumps when my palm meets her skin. “Are you cold?”

“Maybe a little,” Clarke replies noncommittally.

I turn us around and start back toward the car, speeding up our pace a bit. “Come on, let’s go home.”

“Wait, I still have to hear these rule of yours!” Clarke protests, dragging her feet as we go.

I chuckle and continue pressing forward. “I’ll tell you during the drive. But I’d really like a second date and that won’t happen if you die of pneumonia.”

“That’s not even how it works,” the blonde grumbles as she finally picks up her pace and continues walking with me.

“You’re probably right. You are a med student. But I am taller so I win,” I say as if that has any effect on this matter.

“You’re stupid.”

“I know.”

Chapter Text

The following week is difficult. Even after I get everything sorted after the flood closing the gym (which is a surprisingly large load of work), I can’t escape the stressed mindset that I’m missing something. I’m barely able to teach my normal classes that week, and I spend more time in the office than home as I try to get all the paperwork done before the weekend.

Clarke voices her worry throughout the week, but she’s also busy with school so the only time we really get together is nights when we always end up at the same house, whether it’s mine or hers. She makes me promise to take the weekend to relax and hang out, so that’s a point I look forward to every day.

When Saturday actually rolls around, though, I realize I never checked the costs of that week with estimated income for the rest of the year to see if it’ll end up coming back to bite us in a few months. I roll out of the bed with the intention of just quickly popping in and out of the gym.

I lean over to kiss Clarke’s forehead and her eyes flutter open to look at me sleepily. I smile down at her, taking a moment to appreciate how adorable she is in that moment with her hair all mussed and her entire face scrunching in her confusion.

“I’m just going for a run. Go back to sleep,” I murmur, gently brushing her hair out of her face.

Clarke yawns and rubs her eye in an attempt to wake more. “No. You’re going to the gym. Stay.”

I shake my head slowly with a small smile. This is exactly why I didn’t tell her where I’m actually going. “Sleep and I’ll be back before you wake up, promise.”

Clarke looks like she’s caught between arguing more and just going back to sleep. Her tiredness must win out because she puckers her lips for me to give her a kiss before I go. I do as she wishes and earn a victorious grin from the blonde even as she’s already drifting back to sleep again. With that, I’m up and on my way out of the house.

Time is easily wasted as I pour through every file I can think of that might be relevant. Soon, Clarke is standing to the door to my office with a stern look on her face. I glance to my clock and am shocked when it says it’s noon.

“You said you’d be back when I woke up,” Clarke says accusingly. Her eyes narrow at me and I smile sheepishly.

“Time flies?” I try and she shakes her head. “You’re right. I’m sorry. I really meant to just be here for ten minutes, tops.”

Clarke’s expression softens as she watches me, and slowly she brings her arm out from behind her back to show me a paper bag in her grip. “I figured. I also thought you’d be hungry so I brought lunch.”

Just like that, all stress slips off my shoulders when I’m reminded again how perfect my girlfriend is. I stand up and walk around the office with a growing smile on my face. I stop only when I’m standing right in front of Clarke and she’s looking up at me with a small grin. “You’re amazing,” I murmur before leaning down and capturing her lips in a kiss. I pull away quickly and chuckle when she lifts onto her toes to chase my lips, but I just reach down to take the bag from her and retreat to my desk.

I set the bag down on the corner of the desk and make quick work of clearing space for us to eat while Clarke watches on from the doorway. “Would you mind closing the door?” I ask as I shove papers into a rough pile and toss them in a drawer, only to immediately regret that action and go back to straighten them out.

While I finish cleaning, Clarke starts setting out the food and I grin when I glance at the desk and see she’s brought a candle with her. “So romantic,” I comment, earning a roll of her eyes as she continues to set out the takeout she brought with.

I finish what I’m doing at approximately the same time as her and sit quickly, looking over the table with amusement. “A candlelit lunch of burgers and fries?” I question and I can tell by the way she glances at me that my tone shows my adoration more than my mocking.

“It’s as romantic as it’s going to get with you hiding away in your office,” she replies and she tries to sound bitter but the smile on her face says otherwise. I lean across the table to brush a kiss across her cheek before settling into my seat and digging in.

After lunch, Clarke and I go back to her house and spend the rest of the day lying in bed and watching Netflix, even having pizza delivered for supper so we can bring it upstairs to eat. Then I go out for my daily run in the morning, but other than that, we try not to leave the house at all on Sunday.

But of course, what are plans for when you have family?

“Clarke!” Octavia’s voice rings through the house and we both freeze in our spots. Clarke’s finger hovers over the trackpad, seconds away from clicking play on a new show. We share a look and I shake my head gently at Clarke when I can tell she’s wanting to click anyway and ignore Octavia.

“You know she’s just going to come up here if you don’t see what she wants,” I remind the frowning blonde.

“Yeah, O?” Clarke calls, still while staring at me with a pout firmly planted on her lips. I kiss the pout away, careful pull away quick enough that neither of us get too into it considering Octavia is going to interrupt any second now.

Even expecting it, I sigh when her voice sounds again, much closer this time. “Linc and I were wondering if you and Lexa want to come to lunch with us?”

Clarke watches me for a moment with her head tilted adorably and her eyes squinted as she tries to figure out if I want to go. I let her ponder for a few seconds before I sigh exaggeratedly and nod. “Sure, Octavia! We’ll be down in ten minutes!” I call, receiving raised eyebrows from my girlfriend next to me.

“Ten minutes, huh?” she questions suggestively, even wiggling her brows like a lunatic. Or, more accurately, in true Raven fashion.

“Shut up, jerk. We both need to change,” I point out and Clarke lets her disappointment be known in the form of a dramatic sigh. She flops back onto the bed as I stand and move to the dresser, digging out clothes for both of us. I look back and Clarke’s still lying, so I toss her clothes over her face on my way to the door so I can change in the bathroom. “I’ll meet you downstairs.”

“And you called me the jerk!” she calls after me and I’m sure my chuckle can still be heard in her room.

I make it downstairs moments before Clarke comes barreling into my back, almost making me lose my balance as she climbs on. I feel a wide grin split my face as I turn my head to kiss her cheek. “You trying to kill us both?” I murmur into her skin.

Clarke nods and settles on my back, leaning her head against my own with her chin resting on my shoulder and her legs wrapped around my waist. Lincoln comes into the hallway from the living room, looking for the cause of the commotion.

He pauses and just stares at us for a second before shaking his head and walking away. I catch the small smile on his lips as he turns, though, and I know I’m going to be teased later.

“Clarke! No riding your girlfriend in common area!” Octavia voices her complaint moments before she steps into the hallway, nearly running into me as I carry Clarke toward them.

My cheeks feel hot as a blush rises on them. “As if you can talk, O,” Clarke counters accusingly and I look to my brother with wide eyes, hoping for some indication that it’s a lie.

He just groans and hides his face in his hands, though, muttering, “It was one time…”

“Nope. I’m out. I do not need to think about my brother having sex,” I say while turning on my heel and walking out of the house. Clarke’s laughter shakes my body while she clings tighter, trying not to let herself drop off as I go down the stairs leading to the porch.

I realize the flaw in my plan when I get in the garage and I realize I have no clue where we’re going or whose car we’re taking. I back up to Clarke’s car and set her down on the hood, leaning back into her embrace as they wait for Octavia and Lincoln to catch up.

“Babe, I have to go back in. I wasn’t able to grab my purse before we left,” Clarke requests, giving my back a gentle push.

I remain planted firmly in my spot, reaching around to pat my back pocket, checking to make sure I have my phone. “I have my wallet, we’re good,” I point out while tugging Clarke’s arms back around me. I pull one of her hands up to brush a kiss against it before allowing it to settle on my waist.

“Yeah, but I can pay for myself. We don’t even know where we’re going,” Clarke protests even as relaxes against my back and I know she’s giving in.

“I’ve got it. Let me pay for you.” The door to the garage opens before Clarke can protest further and Octavia and Lincoln come in. My brother doesn’t look at me as he walks in, avoiding eye contact with both Clarke and myself.

O looks at us before rolling her eyes good-naturedly with a smirk. “Come on, saps. Linc’s driving,” she says as she climbs into the car.

I go over and hold the door open for Clarke, smiling at her complaints to Octavia about her and Lincoln being worse than the two of us as I shut the door then walk around to climb in next to her.

“I’m not sure your point in valid,” I murmur with a raised eyebrow as she crawls over to sit on the middle seat and lifts my arm up to drape over her shoulders.

“You’re supposed to be on my side,” Clarke whines and I laugh at the tone, turning my head to kiss Clarke’s temple before resting my head there.

“I am, but you’re not helping yourself much,” I whisper into her ear.

Up front, Octavia talks excitedly about something I don’t even hear, focused instead on littering soft kisses over Clarke’s face until her pout goes away.

Before I know it, we’re pulling up to diner on the edge of town. I look up at the sign proclaiming “The Ark” with a spaceship taking off next to the name. I look to Lincoln with a raised eyebrow, wondering how he even knows about this place that I’ve never heard of before.

Clarke sees my confusion and grins widely. “This place has the best burgers,” she offers and I look down at her excited face, finding myself eager to go in just from watching her.

“You come here a lot?” I ask as I lead her in with a hand on the small of her back.

She hesitates for a second, holding her breath and biting her lip as she ponders over giving me a real answer. “I used to come here with my dad every time he visited. It took me a full year after he died to be able to come back.”

I pause then, not caring that we’re stopped in the doorway blocking traffic. “Are you sure you want to share it with me?” I ask, the fear of rejection painfully clear in my voice. Clarke looks up at me and the hint of sadness in her eyes is almost drowned out by the smile on her face.

She leans up to press a chaste kiss to my lips. “Of course,” she murmurs before taking my fallen hand in her own and leading me inside to a booth by a window.

Octavia and Lincoln slide into the seat across from us easily, smiling widely as if they are unaware of the significance of this place. Which, I know, is a stupid thing to think because Octavia’s been friends with Clarke their entire lives basically, of course she knows why this diner matters.

The waitress is with us almost immediately. Surprising considering it’s fairly busy in here and we’ve clearly come just in time for the lunch rush. “Hi, my name is Mikayla and I’ll be your server today,” she greets cheerfully with her pen already hovering over her pad of paper. “Can I get you guys started with any drinks today?”

After we’ve ordered, Mikayla bounces away with a perky spring to her step and a promise to return soon to take our meal orders.

“So what’s good here,” I ask Clarke as I pull a menu from the holder resting against the wall. I notice only after I’ve got it open that I’m the only one to get one. “I know you said they have the best burgers, but they have a lot of options in that department.”

Clarke leans over to peruse the menu with me, leaning her shoulder against mine as she does. “Well, I’ve tried everything on the menu and have yet to find something I don’t like. But that’s my favorite,” she offers, pointing to the classic burger.

“That’s very unadventurous of you,” I comment with grin. “How about you pick for me? I trust you.”

Clarke nods and doesn’t pull away after I’ve put the menu back, prompting me to rest my arm lazily over her shoulders. This only makes Clarke nuzzle her head further into my shoulder and I can only smile broadly at the affection I’m receiving.

I glance across the table at Lincoln and Octavia and see my brother watching me with wide eyes. “You’re letting someone else order for you?” he asks dramatically, even going so far as to gasp in surprise.

“Shut up, you big oaf. I’m not twelve anymore,” I comment with an eye roll. Clarke lifts her head to look at me curiously and I frown at the loss of contact on my shoulder. “When I was younger I was really picky.”

“That’s not all,” Lincoln cuts in, causing me to sigh and glare at him. “There was this year where she would only eat at restaurants if she could have mac and cheese and chicken strips. Mom and Dad hated it.”

I bring my free hand up to cover my face, hiding from the table’s laughter. Soon after, though, Clarke reaches up and gently pries the hand away, running her thumb over the knuckles soothingly. “I think it’s adorable. I wish you’d share more childhood stories with me,” she murmurs quiet enough for only me to hear.

That’s when the waitress returns, thankfully ending this conversation before it can progress. Although, I can’t hold in a groan when Clarke orders a burger with mac and cheese on it for me, which only serves to confuse the Makayla. “Ma’am, are you okay?” she asks dutifully after the noise.

“Yeah, I’m fine. My girlfriend isn’t, though. I think she’s catching my brother’s assitis,” I reply all too cheerfully. Makayla can only laugh awkwardly and walk away as the others crack up laughing while I slouch in my seat to sulk.

“Oh my god, Lex! That was hilarious! I didn’t know the Commander could be funny!” Octavia exclaims through fits of laughter, holding her hand up for a high five. I stare at it awkwardly for a second, unsure of when we got this friendly again, before gently slapping it with my own.

“Fuck off, I’m hilarious,” I comment, which only sends them all back into more laughter. “You all suck. Why’d I agree to come here anyway?”

When they’ve calmed down a bit again, Octavia gets a mischievous look in her eye and Clarke immediately stiffens and says, “Octavia, no.”

Slowly, the brunette grins and counters with, “Octavia, yes! This is only fair,” before turning to look fully at me. “Has Clarke ever told you about the year she would only eat home packed lunches? It was a full year of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches, Scooby Doo fruit snacks, and fruit punch juice boxes. One day, Abby forgot to buy grape jelly so Clarke had to have strawberry instead and you’d think it was the end of the world.”

“Yeah, well, Octavia got it into her head that she wanted to be an Olympic soccer player one day and threw the hugest fit when she found out there was no girls team in town so she couldn’t play!” Clarke throws out much to her friend’s dismay.

“Clarke would act like it was a personal attack whenever it was too cloudy at night to go stargazing with Jake!”

“Octavia used to make Bellamy carry her everywhere because she thought she was secretly princess who was taken home from the hospital by the wrong family and princesses should never touch the ground!”

Octavia turns to Lincoln with pleading eyes then, clearly wanting him to defend her honor. “Sorry, Lex,” he offers and I’m already regretting this double date. “Lexa is a huge nerd and she used to read text books in her spare time. There was a period where she was obsessed with the ocean and all she asked for that Christmas was a squid. You wouldn’t believe how disappointed she was when she got a stuffed animal and the explanation that squids aren’t pets.”

I turn to bury my face in Clarke’s neck, hiding not only from the embarrassment, but also the memory of why squids in particular were so important to me when I hit that stage of my life. Clarke seems to remember the story as her laughter is much more subdued than moments ago and she reaches up to scratch my scalp soothingly. I hum my appreciation quietly while keeping my head hidden where it is.

I hear Octavia and Lincoln fall into their own quiet conversation but I don’t care enough to figure out what they’re saying, instead focusing further on my own soulmate. “I’m sure you were a cuter kid than me,” I murmur into her neck.

“What was that?” she questions and I realize my speech was more muffled than I was anticipating.

I pull away slightly before repeating myself, smiling at my blushing girlfriend when she shakes her head at me. “Seriously? The worst story Octavia could come up with is that you loved spending time with your dad so much that you were personally offended when the weather prevented it.”

“Yeah, but your brother couldn’t even come up with something I didn’t already know. Who doesn’t know that you’re a mega nerd?” she replies with a grin, and I scoff in fake offense.

“I am not! You’re the nerd who can name the different parts of the brain from memory. And you don’t even want to go into neuro,” I point out, smirking victoriously when Clarke doesn’t immediately have a counter argument.

We’re drawn out of our bubble when Lincoln starts standing up across from us, jostling table in the process. We both turn to look at him, shocked to see he’s angry at something. I follow his glare and see a familiar woman approaching the table with her head down.

“Linc, it’s fine. Let’s just see what she wants,” I say, my brother sitting back down stiffly, reaching forward to hold his glass in a white knuckled grip. I worry he’ll break the glass and hurt himself, but that suddenly becomes the least of my worries when Clarke sees the approaching woman and turns back to me.

“Who is that?” she asks quietly while glancing worriedly at Lincoln.

My voice overlaps Lincoln’s as we answer simultaneously.

“Costia.”

Chapter Text

I feel Clarke instantly tense up against my side upon hearing the name, and I pull my attention away from the girl approaching the table to look at my girlfriend. She’s got a scowl set deep on her face and she seems ready to attack. In that moment, Costia is the last thing I care about and I allow my concern for Clarke take over.

I press a lingering kiss on the side of Clarke’s head and murmur the words, “It’ll be ok. We’ll be okay.” I slide my hand down to rub soothing circles into the small of her back before turning my attention back to Costia, who is practically upon our table now.

Costia lifts her head when she’s stopped about a foot away from us, a small, sad smile on her face. “Hi, Lex,” she greets in a soft voice I’ve only heard a handful of times. “I’m sorry to interrupt, I know I have no right t-“

“Damn straight you have no right to interrupt!” Octavia cuts her off and when I glance over she’s practically shaking in her seat like an angry Chihuahua.

“O, it’s fine. I would really like to hear what she has to say,” I step in before Octavia can attack her like I know she’s capable.

“But…”

“No, Octavia. Please. I’d love to know what she wants,” Clarke interrupts with a bite to her voice I don’t recognize. Even when I was on her bad side, I was never this far out. My hand abandons its circles to snake around her waist, pulling her closer to me.

My attention turns back to Costia, who is watching us with wide eyes, but shoulders drawn in like she knows she deserves this. I nod for her to go on and she dips her head in thanks.

“I promise I didn’t stalk you. I’m only here for a couple of days and I was trying not to go anywhere that I might run into you. But now that I’ve seen you, I just have something I need to get off my chest. I’m sorry. I am so unbelievably sorry for how I acted and how I hurt you. I don’t expect forgiveness, but you just need to know that I never meant to hurt you the way I did. I truly did think it wouldn’t matter when I found my soulmate, but it did. And it’s no excuse, I know, but meeting your soulmate is such an amazing thing. I hope you can understand one day why I broke up with you, even if you can never forgive me for the way I did.”

Clarke scoffs upon Costia finishing her apology and I look to her, confused, with a furrowed brow. She takes the silence as a cue to speak. “You broke up with her? Yeah right! You didn’t even have the guts to do that yourself! I heard the story, I know that you sat back and let your bitchy soulmate do it for you! How dare you even talk to Lexa after what you did! You are such a coward and a liar!”

“Clarke, please calm down,” I mutter, reaching up with my free hand to turn her face to me. “Please don’t do this. Not here, not now.” Clarke’s eyes are still hard and angry, but they dart across my face, searching for any sign of uncertainty. When she finds none, she gives a tight nod and returns to glaring at Costia, who looks like she’s moments away from fleeing the scene.

I sigh and decide to address the woman myself before anyone else can add to the conversation. “You know, I used to be terrified by the idea of seeing you again. I was worried that I’d look at you and instantly crawl back to you, groveling for your affection. I was afraid I’d beg for you to love me again. But you cheated on me, Costia. I’m only now realizing that I hated you for that. That’s why you broke my heart when you found Ontari. Not because you broke some stupid promise or because I was so in love I couldn’t get over you. But because you cheated and you made me hate you. But I have Clarke now. I’ve found my soulmate and I love her more than anyone has ever loved another person. I love her more than I thought I was capable. So I forgive you, Costia. I forgive you because if you hadn’t broken my heart all those years ago, I never would have met the love of my life.” I’m able to keep my voice even throughout it all, finding that I’m not even angry with her anymore. I can’t even find it in myself to care. I have Clarke and that’s all that matters.

Costia wipes tears from her eyes and nods, a small smile on her face. “I’m really happy things are working out for you. I understand if you don’t, but I’d love if you’d consider being friends with me again someday. I miss talking to you, Lex.”

“Maybe you should just go, Costia,” Lincoln suggests in a low voice. “You’ve said what you need to say and gotten your forgiveness. I think my sister is being too generous, honestly.”

I keep my eyes on Costia, knowing what I’d see if I looked at my brother. He’s almost definitely poised to stand and escort the woman not so gently away from the table the instant I indicate I need it. “I’ll think about it, Cos,” I say with a small nod.

Lincoln growls and I’m thrown back to the days where he’d have to fight people off in order to pick me up from bars or hotel rooms. Costia hesitates a moment too long and he’s standing, towering over her. She flinches away even though we both know Lincoln could never hurt a fly. “Anya and I were the ones that had to pick up the pieces you scattered,” he barks out, “You destroyed my sister and she may have forgiven you, but I haven’t. Just leave.”

With that, Costia nods her head, turns, and hurries out of the restaurant. Lincoln deflates the instant she’s gone, looking back to me guiltily. “Sorry, I know you had it handled. I just really hate her,” he apologizes as he sits back down.

“That was impressive, actually. I don’t think I’ve ever seen someone who actually knows you get that afraid of you,” I comment, chuckling lightly. “Seriously, though, you have every right to be mad at her. At both of us really. You’re right, you were left to pick up the pieces.”

“I’m just glad Anya’s not here. I’m not sure there would be anymore Costia if she was,” he points out with a small grin and I can’t help the smile that overtakes my face at the thought.

“I feel like Anya would’ve been in the right, as well,” Clarke mutters next to me and I turn to look at her with a raised eyebrow. She simply shrugs and focuses her attention on her phone, even though she doesn’t bother to unlock it. “I’d have gladly killed her if you let me.”

“Clarke,” I sigh, leaning my forehead against the side of hers, “you know that wouldn’t have done anyone any good. Thank you for not attacking her like I know you wanted to.”

Clarke relaxes into my side a bit and I know that’s her way of conceding for now. She’s still tense though, and that lets me know this conversation is far from over.

“Well, I think we can all agree that you handled that way better than I would have,” Octavia chimes in with a small laugh, obviously trying to lighten the mood.

The topic, mercifully, moves on from Costia soon after that and the lunch goes well. It ends only when Lincoln regretfully informs us that he has to get to work, while of course making a joke about his horrible boss firing him if he’s late.

During that time, though, I’m not able to completely move past the fact that Clarke is still upset about Costia showing up. We both fake it well enough for the meal to not be completely uncomfortable, but Clarke remains stiff next to me even as she laughs at the jokes being made and contributes to the conversations.

“Are we going to talk about it?” I question when we are alone in Clarke’s car after being dropped off at Clarke and Octavia’s after lunch. Clarke mentioned wanting to go to my house to invade my movie collection, but I’m pretty sure it’s just so we can go somewhere alone while she works through her mood.

She hums her acknowledgment of my question while staring out the window. I glance away from the road for a moment to look at her curiously, wondering why she’s apparently upset with me. “Can we wait until we get to your house?” she requests after a moment and I don’t mean to sigh, but I do anyway.

I remember after a second, though. Her dad died while driving. Of course she wouldn’t want to get into a conversation that would distract me from the road. So I settle into the silence enveloping the car, and begrudgingly accept the tense atmosphere for the rest of the ride.

I can’t say I’m pleased when we get to my house and Clarke immediately goes upstairs rather than talking to me. But I follow after her and pause in the doorway to my room, watching as she paces and looks around the room like she’s searching for something. I don’t know what it is.

I open my mouth to ask her what she’s so upset about, when she beats me to the punch. “How could you just forgive her?” she questions in a forced calm voice.

“I don’t care enough to hate her anymore. I don’t see the point in it,” I answer, my brow furrowed. “Is that what you’re mad about? That I forgave her?”

She stops and stares at me, seemingly incredulous and a little annoyed that I had to ask. She waits like she thinks I’m going to figure it out, then sighs loudly when I don’t. “Of course! That bitch hurt you! She doesn’t deserve your forgiveness!”

It’s not fair, but I feel myself losing my temper at her anger. I don’t understand what’s happening, but I know that it’s not good. “So what do you want? You think I should harbor that anger for the rest of my life? Be forever spiteful toward someone who won’t even be in our lives?”

“I didn’t say that! Don’t twist my words! I just don’t understand why you chose to forgive her now. She’s done nothing to earn that. She fucking stalked you to apologize. She clearly wants something and you’re just going to roll over and give it to her, aren’t you?” Clarke accuses and I roll my eyes, taking a step further into the room and squaring my shoulders.

“How was she possibly supposed to know we’d be there? That wasn’t anywhere I’ve ever gone before. She was probably just as surprised to see us as we were her,” I point out, keeping my voice as calm as I can. Clarke rakes her eyes over my body, taking in my defensive posture, and I’d never realized before that moment that the action can hurt just as it can flatter. Even so, I just lift my chin and ignore the part of me that thinks I should try and see where she’s coming from in favor of defending my actions and those of a girl I never thought I’d be defending.

Clarke widens her eyes then and takes a step back. “I can’t believe this!” she whispers, shock seeping into her voice. “I’ll just go. Try to wait until I’m out of the house before you call her.” I’m not even able to make sense of her words before she’s pushing past me and storming out of the room.

I follow her down the stairs, though, and quickly figure out what she was implying. “Are you seriously accusing me of that? I can’t believe you’d think I’d leave you for her! Maybe you should leave, if that’s how little you think of me!” I shout at her retreating back, causing her to pause in the hall by the door.

She glances back and opens her mouth. I wait for the words to come out, but she just shakes her head and leaves without another sound.

As soon as I hear her car pull out of the driveway, I feel the fight draining from my body. I climb the stairs slowly and look to my phone when I get to my room. I want to call Clarke. God,I want to call her. But it really hurts that she’d think I’d do that, so I leave the device where it lies and crawl into bed.

Clutching T-Rexa to my chest, I allow my tears to fall and seep into my pillow as I cry myself to sleep.

Chapter Text

I’m startled awake by my phone ringing. The first thing that registers is the generic ringtone, so I don’t need to think long to decide on ignoring it and going back to sleep. If I don’t have their number, it’s probably not important or they’ll call back later. That plan fails when the noise stops only to start up again moments later.

I roll over with a groan, throwing my arm out to search the bed for the disturbance. My eyes hurt when I find the phone and glance at the screen, so I shut them and blindly slide my thumb over the answer button. “Hello?” I greet in a croaky voice.

“Lexa?” The voice sounds familiar, but I can’t quite place it in my tired state. I just barely pick up on the fear in her tone, and I wonder briefly what bad news she’s expecting to get from me. “Is Clarke with you?”

The question wakes me up a little and I sit up. I glance around the room, memory of our fight flooding my mind even as I check to see if she is actually here. “No?” I want to ask more, but the single word was difficult to form as I’m distracted trying to figure out who’s calling and why they want to know where Clarke is.

Whoever it is sucks in a gasp and I can hear the beginnings of sobs forcing their way through the phone. “So this isn’t a joke? Please tell me it’s a joke.” I want to answer her pleads with confirmation that it is, indeed, a joke, but I don’t even know what she’s talking about.

“Is what a joke?” I question, my mind waking up with my curiosity and the worry that’s working its way into my mind.

I’m answered only by increasing noises of distress before the thud of the phone falling. Moments later, it’s picked up by someone else. “Lexa? Are you aware of what’s happened?” The new voice is male and I am sure I’ve never heard it before.

“No! Will someone please just tell me what happened to my girlfriend?” My voice is rising and I vaguely realize this short temper is exactly what made Clarke run off earlier.

“Lexa, Clarke’s been in an accident.”

The phone slips from my hand without my notice. I can’t think past replaying those five words in my head. Clarke’s been in an accident. What does that mean? An accident? That could mean a lot of things. She’s clumsy, she probably just went to a store and slipped on a wet floor. If that’s the case, then she’s probably just being overdramatic about it all. Yeah, that has to be it. She does have a tendency to be a bit dramatic.

I hear muffled noises still coming from my phone, the noise pushing its way through my panicked thoughts to register as my chance to get answers. I pick the device up and bring it quickly back to my ear. “What kind of accident?” I don’t care that I interrupted him.

There is a sigh and I want to scream at the man for not just telling me what I want, no need, to know. “Her car sped into a tree. She’s in Arkadia Hospital now.”

I jump to my feet, running out of my room before I can even think about my next move. “Why Arkadia? Everyone knows TonDC has a better hospital!” I shout into the phone while searching for my keys. I realize a moment later that it would probably be easier to search if I’m not holding my phone so I hang up without a second thought and slide the device into my pocket.

“Anya!” I shout in frustration when my keys aren’t in any of the places I usually leave them. My sister’s head pokes out of her room curiously. “Where are my damn keys?” Her eyes widen at my tone and frantic behavior as I throw mail to the floor and pull drawers out of their places.

In an instant she’s by my side, holding my arms to my sides and forcing me to look at her. “What’s going on?” she asks calmly.

“I can’t find my keys! I need to get to Arkadia Hospital right now and I can’t even find my keys!” I wrench my shoulders back in an attempt to free myself but Anya doesn’t let me go. Her eyes scan over my body like she’s searching for some injury that’s not there.

“Again I ask, what’s going on?”

I sigh angrily and reach up to swipe a hand through my hair. “It’s Clarke.” That’s all that needs to be said before Anya nods and shove me toward the door.

I stumble backward, glaring at my sister and reaching back to steady myself on the door. “You’re not driving anywhere right now. I’ll drive you. Let’s go,” she commands and I nod, jerking the front door open and practically running to the car.

The drive to the hospital is long. I vaguely recall Anya asking me questions that sound like they’re coming from the other side of a long tunnel. She gives up when I don’t respond and I’m thankful for the break. I feel myself sinking into a dark hole similar to the one I went into after Costia, but deeper and much harder to get out of. I can’t bring myself to care, though, when all I can think about is the fact that Clarke is in a hospital because of me. She could be dying and it’s all my fault.

The only thing holding me together between the moment of the phone call and the instant we get to the hospital is the fact that Clarke is still alive. I force myself to focus on the fact that I’d feel it if she wasn’t. What she told me weeks ago about Abby feeling it when Jake died rings through my head and I cling desperately to the fact that I haven’t felt anything resembling that.

The car stops and I don’t even wait for Anya to put it in park before I’m out and running toward the building. I swipe my hand over my eyes to wipe away the tears blurring my vision, only to have them replaced faster than I can get rid of them.

I come to a screeching halt at the counter as I try desperately to ask for directions. My mouth opens and closes wildly but my breath just won’t calm enough for the words to form. The woman behind the counter says something, probably asking if I need help, but the longer it takes for my breath to steady, the more I freak out and the less even it becomes.

A steady hand is placed on my back and my shoulders drop minutely at the soothing pressure. My heart stops drumming so loudly in my ears so I can hear when Anya’s voice speaks for me. “Where can we see Clarke Griffin?” she asks coolly and I wonder how she can be so calm right now.

“I’m sorry, we can’t give away patient information like that,” the woman replies and I want to scream and maybe punch something.

“This is her soulmate. Can you please tell us what we need to know?” Anya requests again, a slight edge to her voice this time.

Anya pries my hand from its white knuckled grip on the counter, shoving a tissue into it for me. I wipe my eyes again and watch the woman as she taps some things on her tablet before looking back at us. “She’s in surgery right now, but they should be finishing up soon. You’re welcome to wait in our waiting area and one of her surgeons will update you as soon as possible.”

“One of?” I repeat, my voice suddenly returning and rising several octaves higher than what is probably appropriate for the setting. “How many does she have? What does that mean? Will she be okay?”

The woman shares a look with Anya and I can’t figure out what it means. I turn my stare on my sister who focusses her energy on glaring at the woman. She clears her throat and I return my gaze to the other side of the counter. “Please just go wait and I’ll do what I can to get someone here to talk to you,” she offers and I scowl at her complete lack of answers.

Anya slips her arm over my shoulders and drags me away before I can lose my temper and say something I shouldn’t. She forces me down into a chair and that lasts about three seconds before I spring back up and pace in front of the row of chairs she’s placed us in.

My eyes scan over the room every few turns between staring at the door that leads to the ORs. In one of those scans, I glance at Anya, catching her staring at me in concern before her phone goes off and she turns her attention to it. I don’t linger on her for long, though, as I notice movement on the other side of the door and I turn to watch and see if they’ll come through. They don’t.

I huff out a breath and return to my pacing, my gaze not leaving the door again.

It feels like it’s hours later when a surgeon emerges through the doors, but in reality it’s probably been less than one hour. I freeze in my movement, slowly lowering my foot to the floor and straightening as I hope they’re coming to tell me Clarke is going to be okay. There is still a small part of me in the very back of my head that hopes this is some really elaborate prank to get back at me for being such a dick earlier today. She works here sometimes; she’s surely got a good enough relationship with everyone here that they’d be willing to do this for her.

The man comes forward with his face carefully scolded into a blank expression. “Ms. Woods?” he asks quietly when he comes to a stop in front of me. I nod and straighten my back, biting my lip to keep my panicked questions at bay so he can tell me she’ll be fine or reinforce the prank idea. “I’m Dr. Thelonious Jaha and I’m a surgeon working on Ms. Griffin.” He pauses and glances behind me before speaking again. The doctor’s next words fly right in one ear and out the other until Anya interrupts him.

"We’re not doctors. My sister is clearly in distress so there is no way she’s understanding a word you’re saying. Can you please tell us a more generalized version of this story?” she requests harshly.

Dr. Jaha lets out a small sigh before nodding. “Ms. Griffin has a few fractured ribs, a fracture in her arm, and blunt trauma to her head. We’ve gotten the bleeding under control, but neuro is still working on her now. It’s impossible to tell right now what the extent of her brain injuries are, but I promise she’s in good hands. Our head of neuro is her surgeon and he is one of the best at what he does. He’ll be out with an update as soon as he is finished.”

I hear everything he’s saying, but all that sticks is that they don’t know how serious this is. I turn around, unable to look at him without seeing Clarke in an unknown state of distress. Behind me, I’m surprised to see the group of people here for Clarke has grown. All of the delinquents have gotten here along with Anya, Lincoln, and my parents. I try for a smile for them all, grateful that Clarke has this many people who care about her and are willing to drop everything to come for her. Jasper is the first to break from his stance, dropping his shoulders from the worried rigidity up by his ears to step forward and throw an arm around my shoulders.

“She’s going to be fine,” he whispers and I’m sure it’s just as much for himself as it is for me. Monty comes next, followed by Bellamy and slowly everyone else steps in. Soon enough, even Murphy has joined the group hug and sniffles can be heard throughout the mass as tears are shed and comforting words are given.

“I’m sorry,” I murmur eventually as people start pulling back and returning to chairs.

“Don’t be, kid, it’s not your fault,” Bellamy states confidently, as if he knows the entire story. I shake my head but let it go. This isn’t about me and my blame, we’re here for Clarke and when she wakes up, all that will matter will be the fact that she’s okay.

“This is Clarke we’re talking about. She’s way too stubborn to be taken down by a car accident,” Murphy offers with a forced smirk. I’m amazed when my mouth curls into the shyest hint of a smile, shocked that it still has that capability.

“I suppose you’re right.”

Chapter Text

Uncle Gustus gets me to sit down eventually, coaxing me to lay down with my head on his lap while he runs his fingers through my hair like he would when I was little. “Go to sleep, Lexie. I promise to wake you up if anything happens,” he urges quietly, mindful of the others in the room who have fallen asleep. It was a long and slow process, but they all started drifting off eventually, leaving only myself, Raven, Gustus, and Indra still awake. I let my eyes close slowly, giving Uncle Gus what he wants even though I can’t imagine being able to sleep right now.

A few minutes later, I feel my feet getting lifted and placed on a lap. Aunt Indra must have returned from her coffee run. Her hand slowly starts rubbing my back and I lean into the touch, taking comfort from wherever I can. I cross my arms over my chest, half in an attempt to hold myself together because I’m not sure the pieces could ever be recovered if I break now. The thumb on my left hand rests on my right wrist, finding my pulse and focusing all my senses on keeping track of the steady beat. So long as it’s beating steadily, Clarke is still breathing and that’s all that matters. Slowly, I drift into a state that’s not quite unconsciousness but a few steps from being fully awake and alert.

Time passes slowly then. It feels like I’m in that position for days as I wait on news. Exhaustion is nagging on the edges of my mind, trying to pull me from my task with the promises of dreams where Clarke never got into this accident and we can be happy together. I hold my will, knowing that if I give in, reality will just be that much more painful when I wake.

A door opens quietly and I forget in my tired state what that sound means until Gustus’s hand migrates from stroking my hair to a firm grip on my shoulder. Then it hits me. I sit up quickly, moving too fast and get light headed for a second as I blink slowly, trying to spot the new person in the room.

I find him in the form of an old man in scrubs. I bolt upright, rushing over to him in a few large paces. “Are you Clarke’s surgeon?” I glance down at the name on his coat, Dante Wallace.

He nods a single time, a frown set on his face that makes me fear the worst. What if Abby was wrong and she died without me even noticing? “Your friend is out of surgery and in recovery now. I can take you to see her, but first you need to understand a few things.” I nod slowly, taking in a deep breath for the first time since I got Abby’s call as I realize that she’s alive. My brow furrows, though, as I wonder what could possibly be wrong that he’s worried when she lived? “As I’m sure Dr. Jaha told you, I had to perform brain surgery on Clarke. There are any number of complications that could happen when a brain is operated on. It’s impossible for us to tell if anything went wrong before she wakes up, but you should be prepared just in case.”

“What kinds of complications are we talking about?” Gus asks, placing a steadying hand on my shoulder.

“She could have impaired speech, memory, vision, balance, basically her fine motor skills. It’s possible that her brain will swell and we’ll have to go back in to relieve the pressure. Or, she might not wake up. It’s always a possibility after these kinds of surgeries that a patient will fall into a coma.”

I nod because what else can I do? Nothing I say will change anything now. All that’s left is my hope that everything will work out.

Dr. Wallace turns to lead me to Clarke’s room and I take a step to follow him before pausing and looking back at everyone else in the room. “Go,” Raven urges with a small smile. “I’ll get everyone up and tell them the news.” She takes a few steps toward the group before noting my hesitation and turning back to me. “Lex. It’s way past visiting hours anyway. We’ll be back tomorrow.”

I glance at my watch then at the doctor. “She’s right. Am I even allowed to see her?”

He smiles at me sadly. “You’re her soulmate, right?” At my nod he continues, “There are no visitation hours for soulmates. There are studies backing the claim that people can feel the spirit of their soulmate being near and that kind of energy can help them heal faster.”

I nod slowly and cast on final glance back at Raven as she goes about rousing everyone from their slumber. We meet eyes for a moment and I give her an apologetic smile before following the surgeon.

Dr. Wallace doesn’t talk much as he leads me to Clarke’s room. I think he must know that anything he says will just bounce off my mind as I try to wrap my head around everything that’s happened. It’s a short walk though, and soon enough we’re stopped in front of a door.

“There is a call button at the top of her bed if anything happens. Feel free to use it if anything at all seems off about her. Nurses will be in every thirty minutes to check her vitals and run a few tests,” he informs me before moving out of the way so I can go through the entry.

I freeze the instant I see Clarke. She’s covered in wires and tubes and bruises. Her right arm is covered by a cast and her head is wrapped in gauze so only a hint of her hair is peeking out. The skin I can see that isn’t bruised looks too pale and it’s terrifying to see Clarke look so lifeless.

The next thing I notice is the steady beeping coming from the far side of her bed. I know I’d normally get annoyed with a sound like that, but now all I can think is how grateful I am that the monitor is working so steadily. The sound stirs me into action and I walk to the side of her bed, reaching out a hand to touch her but stopping at the last second, my hand hovering over hers.

“I’m so sorry,” I don’t realize I’m repeating the three words aloud until they become little more than stuttered noises between sobs.

I retract my hand, unsure of whether touching her will do more damage than good. I glance around the room, trying to find a tissue to wipe my eyes with and finding a chair in the process. I grab the box of tissues on a table by the end of her bed and make my way to the chair to sit down. It’s in the corner of the room and further from Clarke than I’d like to be, but I don’t move it forward.

I curl into a ball on the chair with my chin resting on my knees and my eyes directed at Clarke. It’s like that, that I fall asleep.

I only manage to sleep a couple hours in sporadic bursts throughout the night. At some point, I start inching the chair closer to the bed every time I wake up. By the time morning comes, I’m in the exact same position as the night before as if I never moved, but the chair is only three feet from the bed.

“You’re allowed to touch her, you know.” I jump at the voice coming from the door, unaware that anyone came into the room. I turn my head to see a man standing there who bears a striking resemblance to Dr. Jaha from yesterday. I must seem confused because he nods toward Clarke. “You’re not going to hurt her by holding her hand. The human body is tougher than it looks.”

I scoff and shake my head. “If that were true, we wouldn’t be here in the first place.”

“Well, both cars and trees are tougher than flesh. But I’m sure you aren’t either of those things.”

I raise an eyebrow at the man before turning my attention back to Clarke. After a few minutes of silence, I think he’s left.

“She really loves you, you know.” I guess I was wrong. I don’t look at him, I don’t acknowledge anything he’s saying. “She never shut up about you. Even before she knew you’re her soulmate.”

“And who are you?” I question without taking my eyes away from watching the steady rise and fall of Clarke’s chest.

“I’m Wells. Clarke and I went to med school together and now I intern here,” he says and I vaguely remember Clarke mentioning a Wells before. “I have rounds to get to soon, I just wanted to stop in and see how she’s doing.”

“And how is that?” I question before I can stop myself.

He sighs and that’s all the answer I need. I nod once and then the door is clicking shut.

The next time someone comes, it’s Abby. She doesn’t say anything at first, simply grabbing the other chair and pulling it up beside mine. I let the silence sit, unsure what I could possibly say to her at this point. The beeping of Clarke’s heart monitor is the loudest thing in the room.

“I’m sorry.”

Abby looks at me for the first time since she got here. I keep my eyes on Clarke but see her turn to me out of the corner of my eye. The dark circles under her eyes confirm the idea that she probably drove all night to be here by now. She still doesn’t say anything and I’m glad. Either she already knows that this is my fault and she’ll tell me to leave or she’ll try to say I have nothing to be sorry for.

“We got into a fight. I’m the reason she was driving while she was so upset. This is all my fault. I’m sorry,” I repeat while she continues to watch me and I continue to watch Clarke.

I close my eyes when she looks away, the exhaustion from the pulling my eyelids down heavily. I let them stay shut, afraid to look at Abby when I hear the scraping of her chair against the floor. Terrified of the angry expression she’s sure to have. Scared that she won’t let me be here to fix what I did.

I jump when an arm settles around me. My eyes spring open and I look over to see that Abby just moved her chair so it’s touching mine. She offers me a weak smile and pulls me into her side. “This isn’t your fault. And even if it was, now is no time to fight. We need to stick together. For Clarke.”

“For Clarke…” I repeat, allowing myself to relax into Abby’s side as we both settle back in our chairs and go back to watching Clarke.

This time, it’s Abby who breaks the silence. “Marcus is getting coffee. I hope you’re okay with black. I thought I remembered Clarke joking about how gross she thinks it is that you drink it like that so it’s what I told him to get.”

I don’t remember knowing a Marcus, but the way Abby’s speaking just a tad faster than usual makes me think this is important. “Marcus?” I ask, then, after a moment, “Is he the one from the phone call?”

Abby nods and takes a deep breath. “I’m dating him.”

I freeze, unsure why she’s telling me this. “Oh.” I glance away from Clarke for a second. “Does Clarke know?” Abby shakes her head slowly. “And this is how you thought you’d tell her?” My voice isn’t judging, I’m just confused.

“She’d find out when she woke up anyway.”

“Oh.”

The silence returns. The clock on the wall ticks away the seconds and it annoys me how it doesn’t match the beeping of the heart monitor. I understand it shouldn’t match, but I can’t help the annoyance flaring at the second noise that just can’t blend together with the important one.

“What about Jake?”

Abby flinches like she didn’t expect me to speak. Or maybe she’s just surprised that I know her soulmate’s name.

“He would have wanted me to move on.” I nod but that doesn’t appear to be enough for her. “Marcus really is a great guy. Jake would have loved him.”

I wonder briefly if I could ever move on from Clarke. It feels doubtful. But then again, I can’t imagine living without her. I think I’d want her to move on. I’d want her to find someone else to make her happy.

“Does he numb the pain?” I ask when I realize I don’t think I could ever stop hurting for Clarke.

“No. But he helps distract from it. There is no ridding yourself of the pain of your soulmate dying,” Abby explains and I nod.

“Does he make you happy?”

“Yes.” There is no hesitation. The only thing I hear in her voice is certainty.

“Then I’m sure Clarke will like him. She may need time to get used to it, but she wants you to be happy,” I state and Abby thanks me. I offer a tissue when her voice sounds watery.

I watch Abby get up to throw her tissue away and I look guiltily to the pile I’ve created on the floor when I wasn’t sure my legs would hold me if I tried to stand. She sees and brings the bin over to set it next to me. I nod my thanks and she smiles gently.

After I’ve cleaned my mess, Abby looks between me and Clarke curiously. “Have you touched her since you got here?” she asks in a way that lets me know she already knows the answer.

“I’m afraid I’ll break her,” I confess.

Abby takes my hand in hers and places it on the bed centimeters from Clarke’s. “You don’t have to if you don’t want to. But if your touch does anything, it’ll just make her better. You’re not poisonous, Lexa.”

The door opens and a man I’ve never met walks in. He’s holding three coffees so I’m left to connect the dots. “You must be Marcus.”

He nods, “And you’re Lexa?” He hands me one of the coffees and I know I don’t have to answer. Abby stands to greet Marcus with a hug and I take the opportunity to slip my free hand under Clarke’s without being watched. I lace my fingers through hers and give her hand a soft squeeze, disappointed when she doesn’t squeeze mine back.

I glance back at Marcus and Abby as they share a quiet conversation and my attention is drawn to the window in the door behind them. “Looks like you’re right in time for rounds, sir,” I state when I see a group of doctors heading for our room, Wells among them.

The group files into the room and stands at the foot of Clarke’s bed with Dr. Wallace standing across from me on the other side of the bed. Wells gives me a small nod in greeting before they start speaking. I tune out their words, knowing it’s not for me and that I won’t understand anything that’s being said anyway.

Abby speaks up after it seems like they’re finished. “You didn’t say that she’s in a comatose state, why?” she requests, scanning her eyes over the interns before settling on Dr. Wallace. I freeze at the word ‘comatose’, unwilling to believe that Clarke is has progressed to that point.

“We’re a bit hesitant to declare this a coma at this stage. We are still hoping that this is simply a slow recovery from the anesthesia,” he explains calmly, if a bit exasperatedly.

Abby furrows her brow and looks between him and her daughter. “I’m sorry, I know I’m a general surgeon not neuro, but this seems like a coma to me. Hope isn’t going to get her anywhere. You need to treat this like you would a coma patient if we are to have any hope of her waking up soon.”

“Ma’am, like you said, you’re a general surgeon and I am neuro. Clarke is my patient and I will treat her as I see fit,” Wallace says in what I assume to be the calmest voice he can muster. Abby snarls at the man’s back as he leaves the room with all the interns following behind him with their heads down.

“You were right, they should have taken her to TonDC’s hospital,” Abby sighs as she sinks back into her chair.

They came back later that day to confirm that she’s in a coma. They then proceeded to shove a tube up her nose and down to her stomach so they can feed her. I’ve been numb since then. I haven’t let go of her hand for the last three hours, not moving from my spot for any reason.

Now it’s close to the end of visitation hours and I’m afraid for everyone to leave so I’m alone here with her. I don’t know what I’ll do once we’re back to an empty room with just the two of us. I think Abby left about ten minutes ago to try and convince them to let her stay, but it’s hard to remember. The only sound able to cut completely through the haze my mind is in is the beeping of the heart monitor.

I try not to breathe too deeply, the smell of this room is beginning to give me a migraine.

“Lexa, come home. You need to rest,” Anya prods, standing in the doorway and looking at me pleadingly.

I shake my head, glancing at her for an instant, my eyes immediately returning to Clarke. “If she can’t leave why should I be able to?”

Anya sighs but comes forward to wrap her arms around my shoulders in a loose hug, letting me win this time. “I’ll bring you some things tomorrow. I’m sure she would love to have some music, huh?” I nod weakly, and Anya kisses my cheek in a very un-Anya-like gesture before I hear her footsteps retreating.

Abby comes back at the last second with a nurse behind her. “Lexa, honey, I can’t stay the night but I managed to get a cot for you. Would you mind getting up for a second so we can get it in place?” I shake my head, unwilling to leave Clarke’s side long enough. “I promise it can be right next to her, you just have to come over here for a few seconds.”

“Abby, please, no. Just put it against the wall there if you insist on having it in here,” I say, jerking my head toward the wall behind me. I hear a resigned sigh then the aggravating squeak of the bed’s wheels as it’s maneuvered into the room. There’s rustling as they get it set up, and then it all goes quiet for a few minutes. I think they’ve left and I’m alone so I lean forward and rest my head on the bed right next to our interwoven hands. My eyes squeeze shut and I let out a heavy breath.

“You know you are allowed to be comfortable, right? She wouldn’t want you to suffer just because she’s in this position,” Abby says carefully.

I don’t move when I respond, my shoulders too heavy to lift. “What’s the difference, I’m suffering either way.” What I don’t say is that I don’t feel like I deserve comfort. I don’t voice the fact that I earned any pain or stiffness in my muscles by being the reason Clarke may never wake up.

Abby must know what I’m not saying, though, as she steps forward and drops a blanket over my shoulders. “I know. Clarke was the only thing keeping me alive and out of this very hole after Jake died. Just don’t let yourself fall so far that you won’t be able to get back out when she wakes up.”

“If,” I mutter bitterly.

She turns around, leaning against the threshold of the door.

“When.”

Chapter Text

I watch the clouds float past, fluffy, white and all relatively shapeless. The sun is bright, but it’s barely warming my skin in the late fall breeze as I lay back on the grass with my arms tucked behind my head.

“You know, you are allowed to share this blanket with me, right?” I look over at the sound of Clarke’s voice, smiling at the way her golden hair shines under the sun’s light and flows down her shoulders in soft, seamless waves.

I push myself up to my elbows then slowly lean toward my girlfriend, glancing between her eyes, so blue they could rival the sky and her lips that I know are as soft as they look. She pulls her bottom lip between her teeth when she sees my gaze dip and I smirk at the action.

My mouth is just grazing hers when my hand slips and I fall into her lap, knocking her down onto her back as I crash down on top of her. She laughs all the while, as I’m blushing and trying to prop myself back up. My hand lands in the bowl of coleslaw this time and I cringe at the feel, propelling myself back and landing in a crouch off of the blanket with my hand held out as far from myself as it can get.

“This is why I wasn’t on the blanket,” I comment with my nose scrunched up and my eyes glued to the piece of cabbage that slowly slides down my ring finger until it reaches the tip and falls off.

Clarke’s giggle breaks my concentration and I look back at her as she takes my hand and starts carefully cleaning it off with a few napkins. “No,” she argues with a loving smile, “this is why you don’t try to act all smooth, you giant dork.”

I see the joy sparkling in her eyes, though so I grin and grasp her hand, not caring about the mess anymore, and pull her toward me. “That could be true, except for the fact that it worked.”

“Oh did it?” she asks while letting herself get pulled forward until she lands in my lap. “And how is that?”

I nudge my nose against hers, slowly bringing my lips toward hers, “You still want to kiss me.”

She hums as if she doesn’t believe it, and I feel her wide grin against my own when she closes what little gap there is left between us.

The kiss is slow and sweet, and it ends all too soon. Clarke pushes back on my shoulders until I lay down again, this time with only one hand behind my head while the other holds her against me. She lays next to me, her head on my chest as she turns her gaze to the sky.

She points out shapes in the clouds, each more creative than the last, and I marvel at her ability to see a shapeless blob and give it life. Together, we come up with stories for each of these clouds. There’s a turtle pushing a stroller that doesn’t hold her baby, she’s a babysitter for this rude rabbit we saw a few minutes ago who cares more about the weights she’s lifting than her own family. Then it’s an alien walking a monkey on a leash because that’s what he thought was the proper way to behave after years of observing our planet.

The last cloud is a car hooked to an IV drip. We don’t make up a story for that one, falling into a painful silence as we both remember that crash that is supposed to be little more than a distant memory.

Clarke slowly pushes up to lean on her elbow and look down at me. “I’m sorry,” she whispers but I can barely hear her over the remembered sounds of the heart monitor.

“No, it’s my fault,” I argue, raising my voice to be heard over the murmur of doctors talking to each other.

She shakes her head sadly as a tear escapes from her eye, making its way down her nose and falling through air until it lands on my cheek. She opens her mouth to say something, probably argue with me, but I won’t have it.

“It’s my fault!” I’m yelling this time because it’s the only way I can hear my own voice.

I jerk up with a gasp, my hand flying to my cheek where there should be a single drop of wetness. Instead, it’s covered in tears that I know are my own as my vision focuses and I see that I’m still in the hospital. Wells is hovering next to me, looking concerned.

“I’m sorry, bad dream,” I mutter, shaking my head and covering my face with my hand. The other is holding Clarke’s; our fingers still entwined like they were when I fell asleep.

Wells glances behind me and I look back to see my sister standing next to me, her hands raised as if she wants to lay them on my shoulders but she’s not sure how I’ll react.

“Lex, let’s go home. You can shower and get some rest then come back to see Clarke again in a couple hours,” Anya suggests carefully, her voice low like she’s talking to a scared animal. I remember the first time she used that voice, it was right after our mom killed herself and she was trying to get me to get off the front porch of our home. I caved that time, letting her lead me to a car that would take us to Uncle Gustus’s and Aunt Indra’s.

But I’m not ten now.

I shake my head and look at Clarke again, trying to force the image from my dream of her happy, smiling face and pink cheeks over the real image of her now, pale and lifeless. “I can’t go. I can’t leave her.”

“You won’t be leaving her. You aren’t running away, Lexa. You just need to shower. We both know that Clarke won’t be very happy if she wakes up and you reek,” Anya persuades, still in that quiet, careful voice.

I sigh and furrow my brows as I consider her point. “I don’t want her to be alone,” I whisper, squeezing her hand in the dumb hope that she’ll finally squeeze it back.

“She won’t be. Abby is just outside talking to a nurse. Her and Marcus will keep Clarke company the entire time you’re gone,” Wells promises and I look at him with a raised eyebrow. I wonder if he was told to get me out. I see other doctor’s behind him and I realize I must have interrupted rounds.

I nod slowly then, realizing that I’m only harmful here right now. “Three hours,” I say, looking to Anya for confirmation.

“Three hours,” she repeats with a serious nod.

I let Anya lead me out to her car, her hand on my forearm as I stare at my feet rather than the space in front of me. I hesitate before getting in the car, but we’re too far from home to forgo the vehicle and walk so I have to get in eventually.

Anya starts up the vehicle and I lean my head against the window, watching the clouds like I did in my dream. I don’t try to pick out shape now, though, not sure I’d like what I saw. Anya turns on the radio when we hit the street and I reach out to stop her when she tries to change it from her normal classic rock station. Whatever else she’d change it to would probably make me think of Clarke and I don’t need that right now.

Anya sings along to almost every song that comes through the speakers and I find myself relaxing a bit more with every off key word. I close my eyes and pretend this is any other day. Just for the few more minutes before we get home, I want to pretend that in three hours I won’t be going back to the hospital to pretend there’s still a big chance of Clarke never waking up.

At least, that’s what I overheard the doctor’s saying to Abby. They say the chances of her waking are about 20% at this point and those odds are just going to decrease every day she stays like this. They think Abby should withdraw care. She said she’d talk to me about it because she thinks I should get some say even if she’s legally the only one who can make that decision. She still has yet to bring it up.

I open my eyes slowly when the car comes to a gentle halt. “I think I’m going for a run before my shower,” I tell Anya while staring at the house.

“That’s good. Want me to come with?” she offers but I shake my head.

“I just need to be alone for a while. I won’t be long.” I look down at myself, glad Anya just brought me sweats to wear at the hospital so I’m already ready to go.

I stand and Anya follows me around to the end to the driveway. She pulls me in for a short hug before she lets me leave.

I don’t realize until I’m a block away that I don’t have headphones. I’ve never run with no music before because I hate the quiet of it all. There aren’t enough dogs in this neighborhood to have the barking filling the void from the fact that there are no cars going by at this time of day and any kids who would be out playing are all at school now. The only sounds left are the ones my own body is making and I hate it. The sound of my breathing as it increases and my feet as they slap the ground beneath me.

I glance around and see there’s no one else outside so I pull out my phone and get music playing without headphones. The first song that plays is one of Clarke’s favorites and I quickly turn the device off, deciding my noises are fine. There is a bite of chill in the air that makes me hurry my steps from a jog to a run as if I can outrun the cold to make up for not wearing a jacket. My muscles already ache from being pushed this hard after sitting still for so long. I welcome the burn and pull, relishing in the slight ache in my lungs from my breathing not being as controlled as it should be. I know that’s not good. I realize I should regulate my breathing better like I normally would when I’m out for a run, but the pain reminds me that I’m alive. I wonder if Clarke can feel it somehow. Maybe it’ll wake her up if she can.

Today’s run is shorter than normal, cut short by a few blocks as I take a detour to try and distract my brain from Clarke. I close my eyes for a moment and it feels like I’m pushing the world and all its pain back with each step rather than pushing myself forward. It feels powerful and I’m reminded of why I started going for daily runs in the first place. Each step detaches myself a bit more from the ache in my chest that I know doesn’t have anything to do with physical exertion.

By the time I reopen my eyes, I’m able to breathe again.

I’m almost home when I feel a sharp pain in my foot. I let out a cry and look down, but I don’t bother to look behind me or examine it much further than a glance so I can’t tell what’s wrong. So I keep running because there’s no point in quitting when I’m a block away from home, even as the pain keeps getting stronger with every step.

I stop in the driveway to catch my breath before hobbling up to the front door while trying not to put too much pressure on my injured foot. I kick my shoes off at the door and try to make it to my bathroom unnoticed.

“Lexa!” I sigh when my plan is foiled.

“Yes, Ahn?” I ask while paused on the stairs with one hand on the banister to help me balance on one foot.

“Care to explain this trail of blood you’re tracking through the house?”

“What?” I glance back and see that I have, in fact, been leaving bloody footprints in my wake. “I don’t know, I must’ve stepped on something. I’ll clean it out in the shower and I’ll get the blood up after.”

She comes to the bottom of the stairs and peers up at me, her face about as unamused as it can get. “You’re seriously telling me you didn’t notice?” she questions dryly.

I shrug and look down at the injured foot. “I noticed it hurt, I figured I just stepped funny or something. I’ll be fine.”

“Come down here and let me look at it,” she commands and I roll my eyes as I turn around and do as I’m told.

Anya berates me as she cleans out the wound on my foot. “What were you even thinking? Did no one ever tell you to watch where you’re going specifically to avoid this? Oh, wait. I know I have. Why did you keep running then? You should’ve called me to come pick you up. You know how badly this could have gone? Hell, it might already be terrible, I don’t know, I’m no doctor. Instead you just kept running and driving it in deeper.”

I furrow my brow at that, tuning out her further words. “What else am I supposed to do?” I question, only knowing that I spoke out loud when Anya’s movements pause and she looks up at me with a confused look on her face. “I’m not running away this time. I made her a promise that I wouldn’t. All I can do is keep running forward and drive it in deeper until there’s nothing left of me.”

Anya sighs and gives my foot one last look-over before deciding it’s good enough for now and wrapping it. “This is not a metaphor for your life right now. Stop trying to make it one. You were stupid and stepped on broken glass and that’s all this is. Now go shower.” She’s exhausted, that much is clear to me.

“Sleep. I can drive myself back to the hospital after my shower.” She hesitates so I continue, “I promise to text the second I get there and to have an actual doctor look at my foot.”

“Alright. But don’t think you can pull one over on me. I’ll ask around when I go back there so I’ll know if you don’t actually have them look at it.”

I nod slowly before standing and going upstairs, deciding to ignore the tracks for now. By the time I get out of the shower, they’re already cleaned up and I make a mental note to thank Anya at some point for taking care of that for me.

I go back up to my room to pack a bag of clothes and grab a few books to take back to the hospital with me. I find myself staring longingly at my bed once my bag is all packed, wanting to just curl up under the blankets and sleep until everything has worked itself out.

I know I can’t get in that bed, though. If I do, I may never have the strength to leave it again and I need to be with Clarke now. But I do see something on it that I want.

Taking the few steps over to stand by the bed, I scoop up T-Rexa so I can take her to Clarke. I know she’ll appreciate seeing her if she wakes up. After a moment’s hesitation, I also grab a blanket and wrap it around my shoulders before I head out. At the very least, I can give it to Clarke and maybe something familiar like that will help stir her. I try to pretend I’m not so narcissistic as to believe that maybe the blanket smelling like me with be a comfort to her, but the thought process there is transparent enough there’s really no point in pretending.

So with that, I head out the front door to resume my stay at the hospital.

“Lexa?” I jerk my head up at the familiar voice, my lip curling and shoulder arching forward in an aggressive stance for a moment as I prepare to blame her for everything that has ever gone wrong in my life, especially this. But then I see her take a step back as shock and fear shows in every ounce of her posture and I realize I’m being dumb. If anyone is to blame, it’s me. And still, can any single person be to blame for every single thing that ever goes wrong? Even if they are the single common factor?

I relax and I see her mirror the effect. “What are you doing here, Costia?” It doesn’t sound as much like a harmless inquiry as I had been going for. But it also doesn’t sound like an attack. Mostly, all I can hear in my voice is exhaustion.

“I’m leaving town tomorrow so I was stopping by to see if you and Clarke maybe wanted to hang out? I’d love to get to know her,” she suggests hopefully, but also carefully. Her eyes scan over me and she can clearly see that something is wrong. She knows me well enough not to ask, though.

“Sorry, but we can’t today. Or probably ever,” I state, my voice carefully even. She tilts her head in confusion and I sigh. “Clarke was in a car accident. She’s in a coma. I was just on my way back to the hospital.”

“Oh my god. I’m so sorry!” Costia offers, sounding sincere. I nod my acceptance and step past her to go to my car, dumping everything in the passenger seat. “I’d ask if you want me to come, but I’m sure you have plenty of company. But I still have the same number so call if you need anything.”

“I will,” I nod, “thank you, Cos.”

Chapter Text

My hair is still dripping when I get to the hospital. A shiver racks my body when I step into the overly air conditioned building and the cold air hits my wet back. I make a mental note to ask someone why they haven’t switched to heat yet. With one hand, I reach back and lift my hair so it can rest on the other side of the blanket while my other hand holds it closer to my body.

I walk down a hallway, surely looking like a lost child with the blanket wrapped around my shoulder, the stuffed dinosaur cradled in an arm, and no idea where I’m going. I never thought about it before, but I was never really told what room number she’s in. It probably wouldn’t be a problem if not for the fact that I’ve only walked to and from it once a piece and I wasn’t paying close enough attention either time to know where I’m going.

I wander the halls in what feels like the correct direction for a while, but then I’m stopped by a door that tells me only authorized personnel can continue. I stand there for a minute with my brow furrowed before turning and looking around for any signs. Unfortunately, they didn’t decide to put up signs saying “This way to Clarke Griffin” for me.

The door behind me opens and I take a step to the side to get out of their way. “Can I help you?” I’m drawn from my thoughts by the voice and I turn to see a nice seeming nurse standing next to me. I glance to her id card to see Monroe. I’m not familiar with her, but already I wish she was on Clarke’s service more often. She seems nicer than the guy we have now.

“Uh, yeah. I was trying to get to my girlfriend’s room but I seem to have gotten lost,” I admit sheepishly.

She smiles and nods, leading me to a counter against the wall opposite us. “And what’s her name?” she requests after grabbing a tablet.

“Clarke Griffin.”

She taps a few things then nods. “Alright. It looks like she’s in room 214.” Monroe looks up at me and I nod, but my brow is furrowed as I try to figure out how to get to there. “How about I take you to her?”

I hesitate and glance around as if I’m going to be yelled at for wasting this poor woman’s time. “Are you sure that’s okay? I’m sure I can find my own way.”

She just shakes her head and her smile holds. “I’m sure. She’s due for a check soon, anyway. I can just take it off of Jason’s hands,” she assures and I can only nod.

I follow behind her silently as Monroe leads me through the hospital, listening as she tells me a story about this patient she knew right when she started her job who was apparently in a coma for years before that. He woke up shortly after she was hired and everyone was amazed because no one thought he’d ever open his eyes again. I think it’s supposed to be reassuring to me, but I can’t help but think that this man stole Clarke’s miracle. It doesn’t make sense and I’m probably horrible for thinking that, but it’s the only thought that runs through my head.

“Here we are!” Monroe states as we stop in front of Clarke’s door.

“Thank you,” I murmur before slipping inside. Monroe slips in behind me and starts doing her check silently and all I can do is stand and watch. I stay rooted to that spot until she’s slipping past me to leave a few minutes later.

“Wait,” I say, reaching out a hand to put on her forearm before thinking better of it and dropping it, “it’s freezing in here. Why hasn’t the heat kicked on yet?”

“Oh, sorry about that. There was a problem with the central air that we have someone here to work on today. We should be switched to heat by tomorrow afternoon at the latest,” she offers with an apologetic smile. “Would you like me to bring in a few more blankets for the time being?”

I shake my head and offer her my closest attempt at a half smile. “I brought Clarke a blanket from home, so I think she’ll be fine. But thank you.”

“Well, if you need anything let me or any other nurse know.” I give her a disbelieving look and she chuckles. “Ok, maybe not Jason. He’s not the friendliest nurse on staff. Anyone else would be happy to get you spare blankets.”

I nod and watch the nurse leave before turning around and facing the room again. Marcus is standing behind Abby, clearly having just stood up from the other chair so I can sit in it. I take hesitant steps forward and lay the blanket over Clarke carefully, brushing my fingers over her wrist as I do and cringing at the slight chill developing on her skin. I tuck the sides of the blanket in and brush a kiss to her forehead before finally looking at Abby and Marcus.

“You can have the chair,” I offer the man.

He shakes his head and gestures his arm toward it, “Really, you take it, Lexa. I was just about to head down to the gift shop to see if I can’t buy a couple sweatshirts. Abby here has been complaining about the cold all day.”

"That is not true!” she protests with a small smile. I glance to Clarke and I know she won’t be happy to wake to this news, but I’m glad Abby has someone who can make her happy like that in a time like this. “I made one comment!”

“Oh, yeah, you’re right. I must have imagined that,” Kane laughs while backing out of the room. “Would you like me to pick you up anything, Lexa?”

I jerk my head up to look at him, shocked at the offer. “No, thank you. I think I shoved some warm clothes in here,” I state, lifting my bag as if he hasn’t already seen it. I watch him leave before turning back to the bag.

I try to unzip it and I’m frustrated by the lack of progress. It’s then that I notice the dinosaur still being held in a death grip by my left hand. First, I put T-Rexa by Clarke’s head, but then I think that’s hardly comforting. So I lift the edge of the blanket and settle the toy into the crook of her arm before tucking the cloth back under her.

The bag is packed haphazardly, but it’s fine. I dig through the clothes, books, and DVD’s to get to the phone dock at the very bottom of everything. I question my choice of putting it in first, but questioning the past gets you nowhere.

I try to forget that Abby is in the room as I set the dock up and get my phone plugged in, a playlist of Clarke’s favorite music flowing softly from the speakers. I don’t know if she can hear it now, but if she wakes up I like to believe she’ll appreciate it.

Her mom’s presence can’t be ignored, though, so I have to turn to her eventually and ask the one thing I don’t want to talk about. “How long?” I can’t make more words come, but I can tell by the stricken look on her face that Abby doesn’t need them.

“Well, I want you to have some say in it too,” she offers but I just shake my head. “Jake always said nine months. He said that’s how long we take to come into the world, it’s how long we should take to leave it. That was always the plan for if either of us fell into a coma or needed machines to keep us alive.”

I nod, ducking my head and running a hand through my hair. Nine months. That simultaneously feels like forever and not long enough. I look to Clarke like she’ll have an answer for me. I know her answer though.

“She told me that her dad used to fill cleaned out miracle grow bags with glitter and dump them on her,” I say, tears filling my eyes as I recall the story. “That much miracle grow has to mean something, right? Surely it’ll accumulate to something in nine months.” I look to Abby and she’s watching me with tears streaking her cheeks.

“Sure, honey,” she offers weakly.

“It has to mean something. She’s a miracle, Abby. She’s a miracle.” I’m sobbing now and Abby pulls me onto her lap, murmuring her agreement and stroking my hair softly.

Slowly and painfully, I slide off of Abby and move to the cot set up in the corner, wedging myself as far into the corner as I can and pulling my knees up to my chest. Neither of us speak for a while, but I can see Abby open her mouth to say something a few times but deciding against it before any sound comes out.

“You know, she called me when she bought that dinosaur for you,” Abby says eventually. I glance over at her when she speaks up and I furrow my brow. Abby’s watching me and notes my confusion, continuing talking and not waiting for a response we both know won’t come. “She was in the gift shop and she called because she needed the perfect present and she didn’t want to mess it up. We talked about it for a while and I was useless because I still don’t know you that well.”

“Well, we have plenty of time to fix that now,” I comment bitterly and she just smiles and nods but otherwise doesn’t acknowledge the words.

“She squealed when she saw that toy. She didn’t even look at anything else after that. She was so sure you’d love it.”

“She knows me pretty well. It’s the best present I’ve ever gotten,” I admit with a small smile.

The silence we fall into then is more comfortable, both of us content to sit quietly and watch Clarke as we wait for Marcus to return. Abby murmurs something about Octavia and Raven planning to come later, but other than that, neither of us speaks for several minutes.

Slowly, I find myself drifting off, my head falling forward onto my knees before it’s jerked back and my eyes are blinked forcefully. I lose that battle before Marcus even makes it back into the room.

When I wake up again, my company has changed. I groan as I stretch, confused to find myself laying down when I remember falling asleep sitting up but accepting it. I look over to Clarke, and blearily notice Octavia and Raven sitting in the chairs next to her, Raven with her feet propped up on Clarke’s bed. Both glance over to me at the noise, and I snap my mouth shut and quickly bring my hand up to rub the sleep out of my eyes.

“Sorry,” I mutter around a yawn. “It’s easy to forget where I am right after waking up.”

Octavia shares a small smile with me while Raven glances back toward the laptop set up on a table near Clarke’s feet. “Don’t be, I’m sure living here is exhausting,” Octavia reassures before returning her attention to the screen. I look toward it and see Shrek playing quietly. I’d probably laugh if it were under any other circumstances. Even so, I feel a small smile work its way to my face.

I shift on the bed, making a move to stand but dropping myself back on the thin mattress with a hiss when my foot meets the floor. I had completely forgotten about that.

Raven glances back at me then down to my foot. I follow her eyes and see it’s wrapped differently than it was when Anya did it. “Ahn told me about what happened. I went ahead and asked Abby to fix it up for you before she and Kane left,” Raven explains when I look back up to her with a raised eyebrow.

“I’m amazed you slept through it,” Octavia pipes up. “You must really be exhausted.”

“What can I say, hospitals wear me out,” I shrug before standing again and walking to the bathroom on the side of my foot.

“Tell me about it. They tire Clarke so much she’s slept for 48 straight hours!” Raven calls after me and I can hear the smack Octavia delivers to her for the comment.

I quickly finish up in the bathroom and hobble back out with a mumbled, “It’s been longer than 48 hours, but good point.”

Octavia and Raven stay silent and it feels awkward to me, but it might just be that they’re really into the movie all the sudden. “Wanna join us for the end of Shrek?” Octavia finally offers and I can only shrug and plop back down on my cot to watch the movie.

Chapter Text

Time might as well cease to exist in the hospital. Days pass in a blur and I lose track of how many I spend in Clarke’s room. Even with the changing light in the window and the steady stream of people coming and going, I still could not tell you how long it’s been since her accident.

I spend most of my time just staring at her. Even now, as I’ve got a book propped open on my knee, I spend more time scanning Clarke’s face in the hopes of seeing movement than the words on the page. It’s probably for the best seeing as turning the page while keeping the book balanced is a struggle with only one hand. The other holds Clarke’s, my thumb stroking the back of her hand gently.

“Have you read a single page of that book?”

I glance back at Anya then at the book. “If you replace the word ‘page’ with ‘word’ then yes,” I reply. Even with such a low bar, I’m not sure that’s actually true today. Have I managed to read any of it yet? Was that yesterday?

Anya accepts it, nodding her head and taking a few steps forward. She hovers next to the other chair but doesn’t sit down. I watch her carefully until she finally just sighs and dips her head a bit. “I hate to do this, but I think you might need to come to the gym sometime soon. Lincoln and I have been doing everything we can without you, but there’s some paperwork only you can fill out. Plus, the kids are missing you.”

I know I should go. It’s my gym. My pride and joy. But the thought of leaving Clarke like this causes me physical pain. “I can’t access it through my computer?” I question, closing the book and giving Anya my full attention.

“You think I wouldn’t just tell you to do it on your laptop if that were the case?” she counters with a frown.

I close my eyes and reach up to rub my temples, fighting off the stress headache I feel coming on. “Fine. Can it wait until Thursday at least?” She raises an eyebrow and I realize my whole world hasn’t, in fact, stopped while we’re inside this building when I know her question without her having to voice it. “I need to mentally prep myself to face those kids. I don’t want to disappoint them so I need to figure out a way to tell them I’m only back for a day.”

She hesitates and I can see the moment she decides that she needs to say whatever it is she’s afraid to tell me. It’s in the way her eyes harden like she’s awaiting a fight and she won’t let me back away from it. “Are you sure this is for the best?” Now it’s my turn to raise a single eyebrow in a silent question I’m not willing to voice. “Staying here. Maybe you’d be better off going to work like normal and just coming back at night.”

I steel myself, raising my shoulders and putting on my fight face. She sighs at the sight and I wonder how she didn’t see it coming. She was obviously preparing for it seconds ago, why is she shocked that it’s happening? I don’t let that discourage me, though, as I tighten my grip on Clarke’s hand just a fraction and direct a cold glare my sister’s way. “I can’t do that, Anya. I need to be here for Clarke. If she wakes up while I’m gone, she’ll think I’ve run away and left her all alone.”

“Your health matters too. You’ve never been one to sit around and wait when something bad happens. Ever since Mom you’ve always been on the move after things go wrong. You need something else to focus on for a few hours rather than sitting here and thinking only about how much the universe has shit on you your entire life,” Anya protests, her voice strong and like a wall I can’t fight my way through.

That’s never stopped me from trying. I don’t lose my temper, though, like I’m sure Anya was expecting as that’s what these arguments between us usually come to. At this point I would usually have lost it and made some grand, probably screamed statement, that I would later regret and stormed off. Then I’d feel bad and eventually the guilt from that would end up making me let her win.

“Maybe that’s not what I need, Ahn,” I say calmly, my voice quiet and calm. “Have you ever thought that maybe the reason I’m so messed up is because I have always felt the need to run away from everything? That’s not healthy. I never face my problems and everything always ends up all bottled up until it explodes and I break. But I can’t break now. So no, I can’t go to work right now and I imagine it’ll be a while before I can. Because Clarke is in a coma and I need to be here dealing with that instead of out there burying myself in the business I created almost exclusively as an excuse to avoid dealing with my shit. So unless it’s absolutely necessary, I will be taking as much time as I know I can off to be here with my soulmate.”

Anya looks stricken, her eyes widening minutely as she takes a step back like my words caused a physical blow to her chest.

It’s not until she’s left the room with a murmured, “See you Thursday,” that I realize why she seemed so hurt. Sometimes, I forget that she’s designated herself my protector since Mom killed herself. I didn’t even think about how my words probably sounded like I was accusing her of failing that job by allowing me to bury myself in work.

I sigh and drop my head into my hands. Fixing that is a problem for another day.

I raise my eyes to Clarke’s face, wishing she were awake so I could ask her what to do.

Thursday comes too quickly, and the only reason I know it’s arrived is that Anya finally comes back to collect me. She doesn’t say anything to me, but her jaw works as she stands in the doorway like she’s fighting to keep words in. I’d say something to break the silence that can only be considered awkward, but I can’t say I know what exactly is keeping her this quiet.

The silence remains for the entire ride to the gym, but at least the radio is on in the car for a slight distraction. I know I’ve really fucked up with Anya when her all-time favorite song comes on and she doesn’t sing along or even turn up the radio.

We get to the gym and Anya splits away from me as soon as we get inside. I watch her walk away and think about going after her, forcing her to talk to me. She ducks into one of the personal trainer’s rooms and I release a sigh and duck my head, going to my office while hoping no one stops me to talk. This is Anya, she’ll come to me when she’s ready and if I try to force it early she’ll just pick a fight that I can’t win.

It takes me longer than I like to sort through the stack of papers on my desk and fill things out. I keep glancing at the clock as I go, but I’m just getting increasingly more disappointed when the hour hand inches closer and closer to four. It’s already clear I’ve gotten out of actually teaching the class today thanks to the fact that all of this has been piling up for so long.

The last paper is signed at 3:57 and I think about hiding in the office and ignoring Anya’s request about this kids as I sit, watching the seconds hand tick forward. Will Anya just get even more mad at me if I skip this?

The choice is taken from me when the door slowly inches open. My head jerks over to glare at the door faster than I should have and I have to bring my hand up to rub gently at the muscle that spasms. My face softens when Aden peeks his head in, looking sheepish as he looks around until he finds me and peers up at me.

A shy smile pushes the corners of his lips up and he sticks his hand through the opening of the door and waves. “Come on in, Aden,” I invite with a wave and a forced smile. He takes the invitation with a wide grin and hurried steps.

“Lexa! We’ve missed you! When are you and Clarke coming back?” Aden asks in one breath, launching himself onto my lap for a hug.

“I don’t know, bud. It might be a while. Clarke and I are taking a bit of a vacation,” I offer, going with the decision the others have apparently made to not tell the kids about the accident. “Lincoln’s been filling in for me, yeah?” He nods with a pout but the fast movement of his head gives away his excitement. “And he’s been doing a good job?”

“Not as good as you…” he grumbles, jutting his lip out even further to intensify his pout.

“I promise I’m not gone forever, buddy. I just need some time to be with my soulmate. I promise you’ll understand someday.” He sinks into me and I feel him nod against my chest. “Now, how about we go back out there and say hi to everyone else?”

He pulls his head back to look at me carefully and I offer him the best smile I can muster. He accepts it and slides off my lap and leads me into the main area of the gym. My already heavy heart just hurts more when I see the conglomeration of kids hanging out by the door. Tears burn at the back of my eyes but I don’t let them fall as everyone notices me and floods over with cheers and open arms ready for hugs. I duck down and let them engulf me, listening to their chatter but finding myself unable to figure out what to say back to them.

Aden takes over for me, letting them know that I’m on vacation and I’ll be back soon. All too soon, I’m watching everyone file out with their parents and I’m no longer able to keep the tears at bay. Luckily, Lincoln is there to sweep me up into his arms and duck us into an empty room away from prying eyes.

It takes me a while to calm down enough to figure out what he’s saying. “What’s wrong? Has something new happened? Is this about your fight with Anya? What’s that about anyway?”

“I don’t know! I don’t know why I’m crying or what’s wrong with Anya. I just let everyone down, don’t I?” The words come out high pitched and desperate, which I guess is exactly how I feel right now. Lincoln just silently holds me and lets me freak out without any interruption. “I think I made Anya think that she hasn’t done well for me as my big sister. I screwed up and said something I shouldn’t have and now I don’t know if she’s mad at me for ignoring her advice or saying that.”

“What do you mean?” Lincoln asks with a furrowed brow.

“I said that I haven’t been dealing with things in a healthy manner for the last fifteen years of my life. I think she thought I was saying she wasn’t protecting me well enough because she let me behave the way I do,” I mutter, burying my head in my brother’s chest.

He sighs and strokes my back slowly. “I don’t think she’s upset with you. She probably just needs to rethink some things.” I nod pitifully, really doing little more than lifting my head a few centimeters and letting it drop down again. “Now, come on, I was just on my way to the hospital to pick up Octavia so we can spend some time together. You need a ride?” Again, my nod is small but it’s enough for him as he settles his hand on the small of my back and guides me out to his car.

We’re halfway to the hospital when it happens and when it does, it’s sudden. One second I’m fine, the next I have a pain in my chest that’s unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. I scream at the shock of it, clutching my chest and curling my body forward, but I’m jerked back by the seat belt. I writhe in my seat, my breaths, coming in short gasps, are the only thing stopping me from continuing to scream, seeing as I’m unable to get enough oxygen into my body to let the sound escape. Tears blur my vision, so I’m able to see the car come to a stop on the side of the road.

Lincoln’s shouting something at me but I can’t make out the words. Everything is distorted and I can’t tell if it’s the pain making my brain short circuit or the fact that I think my world may have just ended. Even if I could understand his questions, I still can’t get a full breath so I wouldn’t be able to answer them. The initial pain is beginning to subside, but it’s replaced with a more stinging pain with each heartbeat.

The car is moving again, and I think Lincoln might be speeding in order to get me to the hospital. This new pain won’t be forgotten and my heart is beating too fast for the searing jolts to subside at all before they’re replaced. I remember Clarke’s words, the ones her mom had spoken to her.

The realization hits me hard and suddenly the tears are a lot more than a natural reaction to pain. Between sobs, I’m barely able to get the words out to let Lincoln know what’s just happened.

“I… I think Clarke… I think she died…”

Chapter Text

Clarke doesn’t wake up so much as blink into existence. She has no idea where she is or how she got there. Looking around, she notes the tall buildings and the empty streets. The city is almost unrecognizable as Arkadia without the bustle of people crowding everything.

Memories of the crash flood Clarke’s mind soon after she emerges into the city, sending her into a panic as she expects pain. Her breathing quickens and she recognizes the signs of a panic attack taking over her body. She tries to do as she’s instructed Lexa a few times before, but the thought of her soulmate sends her farther into this spiral of helplessness. Her body crumples into a head on the cold cement and she wails for the poor girl she’s leaving behind.

All is forgotten with a single touch to her shoulder. Her chest no longer hurts with a need to breath as she realizes it’s no longer a necessary function. Her eyes dry as thoughts of her soulmate slip from her mind. Even the jagged cement is no longer digging painfully into her skin.

Looking up, she sees a woman with dark hair and a red dress smiling down at her. This woman seems to be the only other person in existence right now. Maybe Clarke should question it, but she doesn’t. This woman took away everything that was causing her so much pain moments ago, and the memory of what it felt like to experience pain is still fresh enough that she trusts her.

“Welcome, Clarke, to the City of Light.”

“City of Light? What?” Clarke trails off, unsure what questions she’s even supposed to be asking.

The woman in red starts walking and Clarke follows, assuming that’s what’s she’s supposed to do. She looks around at the empty city, the buildings even less recognizable now than they were before. She wonders if she’s supposed to know where she is or what’s happening. Is it just the two of them here?

“I’m Alie. And this is what I believe your people call the afterlife. It’s based off your world, in the hopes of bringing you comfort in this scary time. Normally, there are a lot more people but the transition has been found to be easier if you are alone for your first day here,” Alie doesn’t look back as she speaks, and Clarke can’t remember if it’s weird that her hair doesn’t move at all with her steps. She has a flash of curly brown hair bouncing with every step a mysterious woman takes. The vision is gone in an instant and it quickly fades to a barely there memory.

“Wait,” Clarke mutters, Alie’s words sinking in. The woman stops and turns around to fully look at the blonde. “You said this is based off the world I came from. Why don’t I recognize anything?”

Alie nods and a stiff smile appears on her painted lips. “That’s perfectly normal, Clarke. For the moment, your memories from your life have been distanced from your mind. Like I said, we want this transition to be as easy as possible. I could sense your fear when you first woke up, and your memories were the cause of that. Do not worry. Your memories will return to you soon, as soon as your mind acclimates to your new life and you will be able to handle them.”

Clarke’s brows furrow, but she nods along. It makes sense, in a twisted sort of way. She can’t remember if she should be upset at the lack of memories anyway, so she must be fine without them.

There is a crash from an alley a few feet away from them. Alie flashes out of existence for a moment and Clarke just accepts the change. There is no confusion or fear anywhere in her mind.

She looks around again, wondering what this city will be like when it’s filled with people. That’s when she sees him. A blonde man peering around a corner a block back from where she’s standing. There’s a flash of recognition somewhere in the back of her brain and she takes a step toward him.

His hand comes out to wave at Clarke, beckoning her toward him. “Clarke!” he calls out, as quietly as he can while still loud enough for his voice to travel the distance between them.

A shock jolts through her, and along with it comes her memories. Tears well up in her eyes and she runs toward the man. When they meet, she launches herself into his arms, grinning so widely it hurts as he lifts her and spins around in a circle. “Dad!”

“Clarke!” he responds, his voice simultaneously happy beyond belief and scared. “Baby, I’ve missed you, but we need to move. Now.”

“What? Why? What’s going on? How are you here?” Clarke asks, stumbling over her words as her thoughts are overrun with confusion and overwhelming joy.

Jake puts his hands on his daughter’s shoulders, staring into her eyes when he answers. “I promise I will answer all of your questions later. But right now, you have to trust me and run.”

She does as he requests and runs, letting the questions bubble in her throat and build up behind her lips. The time will come for a reunion, but if he’s afraid than whatever is happening must be serious. Clarke can only remember one time her father was this afraid. They went to the mall together to buy a Christmas present for her mom. It was extremely last minute, the week before the holiday in fact, so the mall was busy. They got separated at one point and she did as she had been told and made her way to the front counter to ask for help. When he got there, he picked her up and said he’d never let her go again.

She’s pulled from the memory when they come to a stop. “Lexa’s house?” she questions, confused. “Oh my god, Lexa! Dad! I can’t leave her behind! She needs me!”

Jake pulls Clarke into his arms, rubbing her back just like he did when she was little. “I know, baby. We’ll get you back to her. I promise.”

She buries her face into his chest, balling up the bottom of his sweater in her fists. “I wish you could meet her, Dad. You’d love her. She’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me.”

He nods and she presses herself further into his embrace, ruining his sweater with her tears. “I do love her, Clarke. I’m still watching over you and your mom. She seems like a great girl. Although maybe it wasn’t the universe’s best idea to pair two hotheads together. You both really need to learn to go easier on each other when you mess up. You’re young, you’re both going to screw up a lot during your time together. Just move on from the little things and be happy while you can.”

“But Dad, how? I’m dead, aren’t I? How can I be happy with her if I’m here and she’s there?” Clarke enquires, pulling back to look at her father. He has a gentle smile on his face and somehow she knows that everything is going to be okay.
He shakes his head and lifts her head with a finger under her chin. “We’re Griffins, remember? We’re unique. There’s no way two of us can die from car crashes.”

Jake lowers his hand but Clarke keeps her head up. If her dad says he has a plan, then she’s confident that it’ll work. “What do we need to do?”

“First, you have to fight Alie off. She’s going to try to make you forget everything again, but she can’t find you if you don’t let her. You have to hold tightly onto everything you’re feeling, onto Lexa. Ignore everything society has taught you about emotions needing to be subdued. The louder they are, the harder it is for her to dig her claws in,” Jake explains while Clarke nods along. “Now, we have a limited window, even without that woman’s interference. You need to think of your mom, how much she still needs you. And Lexa, and your friends. They all need you to stay on their world.”

“What about you?” Clarke interrupts, tears that have been slowing building up again forcing their way out. “I can’t lose you again.”

Jake smiles that reassuring smile at her and she can see the pain in his eyes. “I know, Princess. I know it would be so much easier to stay here with me. Believe me, I miss being in your life too. But you have to choose life. Now is not your time to join me here. Everyone back home needs you more. I will still be here when you do join me, but I don’t want Abby to lose you. And if you choose me over Lexa right now, you will never forgive yourself.”

“How am I supposed to live, then? If you couldn’t do it, how do you think I can?” she questions, swallowing the lump in her throat and the urge to ignore her father’s words in order to stay with him. She can see his reason, though, and she understands how important it is for her to make the correct decision now.

“Our situations are different. I had no chance of surviving. You have a whole team of people fighting for your life as we speak. All you have to do is concentrate on what ties you to that life, and you can go back to it. If all goes well, this trick will extend to that pesky coma you’ve gotten yourself stuck in too,” he jokes with a teasing grin. “And when you do wake up, tell your mom that I approve of Kane. He’s a good guy and I just want her to be happy.”

“Kane? What are you talking about?” Clarke asks, confused all over again.

Jake shakes his head with a single raised eyebrow. “That’s one thing you’ll have to learn for yourself. Now, go on back to your life, kiddo.”

Clarke nods but she can’t stop the tears from flowing. “Will you be safe here? What about Alie?”

He shakes his head and waves his hand in dismissal. “Alie doesn’t care about me anymore. She only cares about the new ones. And the ones she has to fight for. I’m neither of those things. As far as she’s concerned, I’m not even bothersome enough to be considered a nuisance. So long as I don’t teach others how to look in on their loved ones, she couldn’t care less about what I do.”

Again Clarke nods and she offers her father a shaky smile. “Well then, old man. I guess I better get going.”

He puts a hand on her shoulder, stopping her when she closes her eyes with a deep breath. “There’s someone you need to meet before you go,” he offers by way of explanation. She peers at him curiously, then he nods his head toward the front door.

Standing in the doorway is a woman who looks a strange mix of Lexa and Anya. It only takes Clarke a moment to figure out who she is. The woman smiles carefully and Clarke can see Lexa in the reserved expression on her face, blocking off any trace of real emotion.

Rage bubbles in Clarke’s chest and she takes a step forward. Jake grabs her shoulders, holding her back before she can attack this relative stranger. “I just have one request, Clarke,” she says, her voice almost identical to Lexa’s. It throws the blonde off for a moment, she sees the brown curls and all she can see is her soulmate. So she slumps back against her father with a huff, swiping away the tears still tracking down her cheeks.

“You don’t have the right, but what is it?” Clarke demands coldly.

“Please, just tell my girls I’m sorry. They deserved so much better than me. I don’t expect you or them to understand what I did, but I just need them to know that I’m truly sorry and I love them,” she explains, the emotion hidden from her face clear in her voice. The pain and sorrow bleeding through and tainting the air with regret.

“They got better. They got Indra and Gustus. The parents they needed. And they turned out wonderfully despite you,” Clarke snarls, her subdued resentment rising to the surface when sparked by the selfishness of this woman. “You don’t deserve their forgiveness.”

The brunette’s shoulders drop and she dips her head. She’s clearly not where her children got their hotheadedness from. “So you won’t tell them?”

“I will,” Clarke says, staring the woman down with hardened eyes when she looks up again. “I’ll tell them because I think they need the closure. This isn’t for you.” The brunette nods and turns away. Clarke lets her go.

After her soulmate’s mother is out of sight, Clarke turns back to Jake. “I love you, Dad. May we meet again.”

“May we meet again,” he echoes, pulling her in for a hug. He holds her as she closes her eyes, concentrating on the life she had. Slowly, she fades from his arms and back into the empty darkness of unawareness she’s been stuck in.

Chapter Text

The car doesn’t slow as Lincoln takes in my words. If he’s at all relieved that there’s nothing actually physically wrong with me, he doesn’t let it show as he drives with a renewed determination.

We pull up to the parking lot of the hospital in no time, and Lincoln supports almost my entire weight as we go through the doors. We’re not even through the lobby and out of nowhere, the pain stops. I freeze, my hand moving to my chest and settling there, then up to my neck in search of a pulse. When it’s confirmed that I haven’t randomly died, I furrow my brow and turn to Lincoln, who is watching me and looks just as confused as I feel.

“It doesn’t hurt anymore?”

I don’t know what that means and I don’t think he does either. But now that I’m able to control my own feet and carry my own weight, I’m off like a shot. I dart through the hallways as fast as I am capable, ignoring the calls telling me that I’m not supposed to run inside the building. I stop only when I’m standing in the doorway to Clarke’s room.

Surrounding her bed are a bunch of doctors and nurses. They all look relieved, but there is an edge of concern in their posture.

More important is the heart monitor. It stands next to Clarke’s bed, beeping steadily. I take a step into the room, my eyes still brimming with tears. I should probably stand back, make sure I’m out of the way, but my feet keep moving forward even as my brain says to stay put.

I reach the side of her bed, the workers parting ways for me while also flitting their hands around doing what needs to be done, whatever that is. My head reaches out of its own volition and my fingers brush against the back of her hand, just barely touching her.

A sob wracks through my body, the relief mixing with lingering panic in an odd combination that leaves my head reeling. “Thank god,” I cry out, the words jumping from my throat with no thought from my brain, “I can’t do this without you.” My eyes lock on her face, the image blurred by the tears that are almost entirely from the utter joy flooding my system.

“Sorry to interrupt, but we need to run a few tests to see what happened,” a voice says and I glance up at Nurse Monroe standing over me.

I nod but stare pleadingly up at her. “Can I please have a moment?” She hesitates and I can see her winding up to decline my request. “Five seconds. All I need is five seconds,” I beg, my throat locking at the thought of losing her again so soon, even if it is only for a bit while they make sure she doesn’t die again.

Monroe glances over my shoulder then looks back at me with a nod and a small smile. “Five seconds.” With that, she backs away to stand in the doorway.

I lean over Clarke, pressing my forehead to hers in the most contact I’ve had with her since the accident. My tears drip from my eyes to her cheeks and I can almost hear her complaining about how gross that is. “Please never do that to me again,” I plead, as if my will can be transferred to her and make her healthy again. I close my eyes and stay there, finding comfort in the contact and planning to stay still like that until I’m forced to move.

I jump back, startled by a sudden noise coming from below me. I open my eyes and look to Clarke to see that blue I love so much staring back at me. She gasps and sputters around the tube in her throat. The fear in her eyes tears directly into my heart and I’m calling out for someone to help her without being able to actually form words.

I don’t know if it’s my nonsense noises or Clarke’s struggling, but the doctors come back to help her and all I can do is get out of their way. I can’t leave the room, though, I refuse to leave Clarke now, so I climb up onto my cot and huddle into as small a ball as I can make myself.

It takes only a few moments, but I finally register panicked voices sounding in the doorway. For the most part, it’s just variations of “What’s going on?” being repeated in a couple different voices with a few different curse words thrown in.

“She’s awake.” My voice is barely there, but they hear me and all questions stop momentarily for a second of stunned silence.

That’s when it starts to sink in. “She’s awake!” I repeat, my voice stronger and a smile on my face. I glance away from the back of the doctor who is blocking my view of Clarke’s face in order to look at Octavia, Raven, and Lincoln. Octavia is in Lincoln’s arms, clearly not having moved yet from when she was drawing comfort from her soulmate. As soon as we make eye contact, though, a huge grin threatens to split her face in half. She breaks from Lincoln’s arms and the next thing I know, I’m under O and Raven as they throw themselves on top of me in a celebratory group hug.

I turn my head to look between their bodies at Clarke. The fluster of activity is over, and the doctors have begun to disperse.

Finally, the one between us leaves and I have never felt happier than the moment our eyes meet. I gently shove the girls off of me so I can stand and go over to Clarke. I kneel next to her bed and reach out to gently stroke her cheek.

“Hey, beautiful,” I murmur, my voice cracking under all the emotion flooding my system.

She stares at me for a moment in silence before she opens her mouth and rasps, “Who are you?”

My entire world freezes in that instance. What am I supposed to do if she doesn’t remember me? Is this her out? I want to fight for us, but maybe this is the universe’s way of telling me I was right in my believing that I’m no good for her.

Her lips curl up in a smile and she smacks me weakly with her cast-free arm. “I’m messing with you. What’s going on, though?”

I’m able to relax then, the tension in my shoulders draining out. “You’re an ass,” I murmur with a grin before I think back on the painful sounding rasp to her voice. I look around for some water to give her, accepting it from the gloved hand suddenly right next to me. I can barely glance back to give my thanks to the nurse. I hold the straw to Clarke’s lips and she takes a small sip before it turns to greedy gulps.

“You were in an accident. You’ve been in a coma for a couple weeks,” I offer. I sooth the creases between her eyebrows with my thumb and she closes her eyes for a moment. I assume to take it all in.

“My chest hurts,” she complains, though it sounds almost more like a question than anything else.

My hand glides down to rest gently over her ribs. “You fractured a couple ribs and your arm.” Clarke nods slowly and she glances around the room. I watch her look around, just happy that she’s able to. Her eyes land on the trio behind me before they look back to me with mirth sparkling in their depths.

“Do you think that joke will work on them, too?” she questions with a smirk. I shake my head and laugh, dropping my head down to rest on her shoulder.

“I don’t know, love. Why don’t you see for yourself?”

“Nah. I do think they need to be included in this love fest though. If you’ve gotten enough to tide you over for a couple hours,” she requests and as much as she is trying to make it seem like it’s for them, I know she just needs her best friends right now.

I nod and straighten myself, turning back to the others. “Well, are you going to come over here or not?” I ask, my grin still going strong even as the painful pinpricks of tears burn the backs of my eyes.

The movement is instantaneous, Raven and Octavia pouncing the second they know my moment with Clarke is over. I stay rooted to my spot by Clarke’s head, stroking her hair softly and absentmindedly as I watch Octavia and Raven talk over each other in order to try for Clarke’s attention first.

Lincoln hangs back a few steps, smiling at the scene in front of him. He notices my gaze settle on him and he comes to stand next to me. “I’m really happy for you,” he murmurs quiet enough not to interrupt Raven and Octavia’s bickering.

“Me too. Will you do me a huge favor, though?” I request, causing him to look at me like I’m dumb to ask. Which I suppose I am, I know he would do almost anything for me. “Can you call Abby? I don’t know where she is, but she’ll want to be here now.”

“Of course.”

Lincoln steps into the hallway and I watch him go before Clarke’s voice distracts me. “Guys! You’re crazy. Will someone just pick who goes first and stop arguing?”

“Actually, that would have to be me.” I look up when a voice cuts through the silence that had fallen when O and Ray decided a staring contest would be how they settle this.

“Dr. Wallace. Is something wrong?” I question, fear making my shoulders tense up again.

“I should hope not. But I need to run some tests to make sure. And even so, Clarke needs to rest so I don’t think having such… energetic guests right now is for the best,” he offers, glancing carefully between Raven and Octavia. “Just for today.”

“I’m fine!” Clarke protests, keeping her stubborn glare going even under his withering stare.

“Ms. Griffin, you just woke up from a coma. It’s natural to be tired. There is no shame in admitting you aren’t yet back at 100%.” Clarke huffs and rolls her eyes, though the action just causes her to cringe.

And so, I force myself to step back, though my joints ache and muscles stiffen as every bit of my body rejects the very idea of not being able to touch Clarke or even talk to her since every other time they needed to ‘run some tests’ it meant they had to take her out of this room.

“You’ll be back soon, love,” I promise, leaning down to ghost my lips over hers before I take another step back to get completely out of the way. I smirk as her heart monitor’s beeping loses its rhythm for a few beats before she’s blushing and scowling at me.

“Yeah, whatever, just get me out of here,” she grumbles, but there’s a small smile on her lips that gives away her happiness.

A nurse comes in to start wheeling Clarke out and she looks to her sisters as she goes. “See you guys tomorrow?” she asks, her voice small as if she’s afraid they’ll say no.

“Of course,” the girls chorus, bringing a smile back to Clarke’s face.

“And you’ll be here when I get back?” She watches me with pleading eyes and I wish I could make that shred of doubt go away.

“There’s nowhere I’d rather be.”

I settle back on the cot to wait, kicking my feet up and relaxing for the first time in what feels like ages. My eyes close and I allow this feeling to settle over me, taking in deep breathes that no longer stink of death. Instead, the hospital smells that are admittedly pretty gross bring feelings of hope. I listen to Raven and Octavia shuffle around the room for a minute, starting a murmured conversation between themselves.

I feel eyes on me and peek an eye open to see Monroe standing in the doorway. “That was more than five seconds,” I comment with a small smile.

“What can I say? I’m a sucker for a cute couple. Plus, when she woke up we had to page Dr. Wallace to get him here before we could proceed,” she replies with a smile of her own. I raise an eyebrow at her, hoping to prompt her to tell me why she’s actually here. “I just wanted to let you know that Clarke shouldn’t be gone for too long. I’d say an hour, tops.”

“Thank you. That’s good to know.” I glance at a clock to see what time it even is now. 5:17. “What are they doing to her?” I question, turning my attention back to the nurse who is halfway out of the room by now.

She turns back to me and gives me a small smile paired with a shrug. “I can’t tell you for sure, since I’m not technically on her service. But I’d guess they’ll give her a CT scan to check on any damage to her brain then run a few neural exams to see if she’s developed any deficits. Normally, most neural exams would just be done in here, but I believe Dr. Wallace wants to cover all his bases right now just in case.”

With that, Monroe takes her leave, stepping aside to let Lincoln back in before she goes out the door. “I guess we better get going,” Octavia sighs, going forward to accept her boyfriend’s embrace.

“We’ll see you tomorrow, Lex,” Raven agrees with an even heavier sigh.

“Actually,” I pipe up before they can go, and idea suddenly forming. “Can I ask you guys to do one more favor for me?”

Chapter Text

By the time Clarke comes back, the room is all set up. There are fake candles placed everywhere we could put them and the flowers Clarke has gathered in the time she has been here have been arranged so it seems more romantic than ‘get well soon’-ish. Her bed has been set up with her favorite blankets and pillows along with a new blanket covered in hearts that Raven thought would be funny to use now. I avoided food because I assume Clarke will be tired when she comes back, but I want the romantic atmosphere to be in place anyway. I have her favorite Studio Ghibli movies set up to play if she wants as a callback to our first not-date together, though I highly doubt she’ll stay awake even through a single one of them.

Clarke’s rolled into the room about fifteen minutes after we finish preparing it and her friends leave. “What the hell?” she asks, a smile in her voice. The nurses’ faces are asking the same question, but I just smile and stand out of the way while they get her into bed.

“I wanted to do something romantic for you. I haven’t been the best soulmate and I want to do everything I can to make that up to you,” I explain with a sheepish smile. Clarke stops looking around the room to stare at me, a soft look on her face.

“You don’t have to do that,” she states quietly but I just shake my head. “I love you anyway. I don’t need grand gestures like this.”

“I know you don’t need them, but I wanted to do it.” I leave it there and let her take in the rest of the room on her own while the nurses finish getting her settled. They say a couple things to her when they’re done before they both leave the room. “Your mom was here earlier, by the way. She wanted to stay and see you, but apparently you aren’t allowed guests past seven. She’ll be back tomorrow.”

Clarke looks back to me with wide eyes. “How is she? Wait, why is she here? Doesn’t she have work? Don’t you have work?” She pushes herself up so she’s sitting and I hurry over to find the button to make the bed rise and help her remain in that position. She winces a bit and I help her settle into a comfortable position again while I answer.

“We’re both taking some time off to be with you. You really think I’d leave your side for any longer than absolutely necessary?” I question with a raised eyebrow. I lean down to brush my lips against her cheek and she proceeds to wrap her good arm around my waist, dragging me into bed with her. “Are you sure this is okay?”

“You said you won’t leave my side. Well, now you’re by my side,” she retorts, resting her head against my chest and blindly groping for the button to lower the bed again so we’re laying down. She snuggles into me and murmurs into my chest almost unintelligibly. “’M tired.”

I rub my hand up and down her arm and press a kiss to the top of her head. “Go to sleep, beautiful. I’ll still be here tomorrow and expecting to hear what Dr. Wallace had to say to you.”

She hums her assent before burrowing herself further into my side. “Why’s the computer set up?” she asks, her voice even more groggy as she starts drifting off despite her fighting to stay awake.

“Just some movies that we can watch another time,” I answer quietly, smiling when her breathing evens out and she’s asleep before I even finish my sentence.

I wait a couple minutes to make sure she’s fast asleep then carefully peel myself away from her to move into the chair. As much as I’ve loved holding her for those few minutes, I’m nervous to fall asleep like that in fear of accidentally rolling over and pulling out her IV or prodding her ribs as I know would be incredibly painful. I stay awake into the very early hours of the morning just watching her sleep so peacefully, happy to know it’s not because of a coma, before I finally drift off with the rising sun peeking in through the curtains.

When I wake up, the room is already full with the doctors and their interns doing rounds. Unfortunately, I miss any actual update on Clarke’s health and I’m just waking up when they’re reminding her not to be too proud to ask for pain medicine if she needs it. She catches my eyes as they leave and she grins that mischievous grin of hers when she sees that I’m awake. A few interns linger, apparently all knowing her from how much she hangs out here despite still being in her last year of med school and not actually working here. I assume Wells is the major reason behind that, but I also know how driven Clarke is to become a great surgeon like her mom. Though I’m sure that once she settles on a specialty it will be trauma unlike Abby’s general. A little something for both her parents in her career.

“Well, sleeping beauty. Nice of you to join the us here in the waking world,” Clarke mocks once everyone else leaves the room.

“Like you’re one to talk,” I grumble teasingly back at her.

“Har-dee-har-har. You’re so funny, Lex,” Clarke mutters with a smile lifting the corners of her lips despite the pout she’s working on showing. “I bet you’ve been saving up all kinds of jokes like that while I’ve been out, huh?”

“Of course not, love. But I must say that you’re too pretty to waste all your time on unnecessary beauty sleep.” I grin at Clarke’s offended scoff and slap on my upper arm.

“Flattering but mean, I didn’t know you had it in you, Woods.”

I grab her hand where it lingered on my arm and bring it to my lips for a lingering kiss. “Only for you. No one else gets the flattering part of it.”

“Trust me, I know.” I jump at Anya’s voice sounding from behind me, turning around with a shy smile. “Hey, Clarke. Nice to see you awake.”

“Back at you, Ahn,” Clarke greets, pulling her hand from mine to offer a small wave.

“I wasn’t expecting to see you here,” I say, my voice low and apologetic.

Anya simply smiles and shakes her head, indicating that all is forgiven. I know we’ll still have to talk later, but there are better places to do it than a hospital room. “I can’t stay long. Linc just told me Clarke woke up so I had to come say hi before going to the gym.”

“Well that was nice of you, Anya. Will you be back later?” Clarke asks. I raise my eyebrow at my sister, like this is a test to see if she really has forgiven me for what I said to her.

Anya smirks and nods, “I’ll see what I can do. I don’t want to leave you alone with Lextra here all day. I’m sure this,” she twirls her finger around and lets her gaze settle on a desk covered in fake candles, “is only the beginning.” Anya winks at Clarke before nodding her head farewell and taking a step backward so she’s only half in the room. “But I really do need to get going now. See you kids later.”

While I watch Anya leave, I back up to stand closer to Clarke, reaching behind me to take her hand in mine. Through the window, we can see Anya run into Abby and Marcus as they hurry to the room. Ever the loving mom, Abby pauses in her rush to give Anya a hug and say a few words to her before she continues her brisk pace. When Clarke sees them though, she tenses up and I turn my attention to her curiously, and a bit worried.

“Love? What’s wrong?” I question, using my free hand to caress her cheek gently.

All Clarke does is shake her head fairly vigorously and close her eyes. I can’t tell if she’s deep in thought or pain but I think either way my best course of action is to stay silent and wait for her to talk.

“Clarke?” Abby’s voice breaks the silence first and I briefly glance at the woman with a smile before looking back to my soulmate. Her eyes open and she smiles widely at her mom.

“Mom!” she exclaims, like nothing odd just happened. I furrow my brow and make a mental note to ask about it later when we’re alone. “Sorry for scaring you like that.”

“It’s okay, honey. I forbid you from ever doing it again, but as long as you’re okay now that’s all I care about,” Abby replies with a smile threatening to split her face in half. I step out of the way so she can hug her daughter, but Clarke gives my hand a gentle tug before letting go telling me to stay close.

Abby practically collapses on her daughter and both women start crying into the embrace. I look away, feeling like an intruder on their moment, and make eye contact with Kane. I raise an eyebrow at the man and he shrugs in response. I hope the silent conversation meant to him what it did to me. I take one more step away from Clarke when he comes toward me. “I wanted to wait and let her tell Clarke about me before coming, but she insisted,” he mutters and I nod, looking back to Abby and Clarke as they separate and start an excited conversation about something. I hear some medical terminology and just accept that there is no way I’m keeping up with them.

“It makes sense, I guess. She wants to make Clarke love you before she has a chance to reject the idea of you two being together,” I murmur, smiling at Clarke when she glances up at me. Her eyes dart over to Marcus for a second and her confusion is evident on her face, but then her attention is quickly stolen away by Abby again and that smile returns to her lips.

Abby and Clarke’s conversation slows for a minute and when it does, Clarke looks up at me with wide eyes and holds her hand out. I smile and step forward, happy when she instantly relaxes when I’m standing beside her with her fingers entwined with mine. “Clarke, I’d like you to meet Marcus Kane. He works at the same hospital as me,” Abby says finally, gesturing toward the man standing where I left him. Clarke tenses again and when I look to her, she has her eyes closed tightly and her bottom lip is captured between her teeth.

I lean down and trace my thumb against her lip, causing her to release it slowly. “Clarke, what’s wrong? Are you okay?” I question in a carefully quiet voice.

“It’s nothing. I just…” Clarke sighs and squeezes my hand before opening her eyes too look at me. “I had this dream, I think. Except it doesn’t feel like it was a dream, it felt real. Did I die yesterday?” I nod slowly, a little scared but mostly confused about where this is going. “Please, all of you, promise you won’t just think I’m crazy,” Clarke pleads, her tone desperate and her eyes even more so.

“Of course not, love,” I promise followed by a kiss to her cheek. I look to Abby and Marcus as they make similar vows before looking back at Clarke, waiting for her to fill us in.

She sighs and closes her eyes before she starts speaking, likely trying to avoid eye contact in fear of judgment. “I went to this place, I think she called it the City of Light. It’s kind of blurry now, I didn’t even remember any of it until I saw Mom. She said it’s our afterlife, and that I would be happy and free of pain there. But then Dad came and he saved me from her. He told me how to break free of her grasp and come back. He said he was still watching over us and he loves you,” she finally opens her eyes too look at me, tears taking the opportunity to make there escape and I reach up to wipe them away gently. “And he told me to give Kane a chance. He said he’s a good guy and he wants you to be happy, Mom.” She looks to Abby, who has her hands covering her face as she cries freely. Clarke glances back to me carefully and the way she chews her bottom lip gives away that she hasn’t told us everything yet, but she’s going to wait for the rest until we’re alone. I wonder what it is, but I refuse to press her on it. Instead, I climb onto the bed next to Clarke and hold her until she’s calmed down.

I scoop Clarke up in a hug, holding her to my chest and letting her tears soak through my shirt. I see Marcus do the same for Abby out of the corner of my eye, but most of my attention is focused on Clarke as I stroke her hair and murmur meaningless words about it all being okay against the top of her head.

Abby doesn’t speak up until they both have calmed down some. “I don’t know what to think. I have no way of knowing if that’s real or just a coma dream, but either way, thank you. I’m happy to know you both approve.”

Clarke lifts her head when Abby talks, looking up at her with a hint of a smirk. “I never said that. Dad approves. I don’t even know the guy.” Her eyes flash with laughter, even if it doesn’t quite reach her lips.

Abby laughs and reaches out to squeeze her daughter’s leg. She’s clearly dying to ask more about Clarke’s experience/dream/whatever it was, but she just laughs and waits for Clarke to offer the information up on her own.

The silence we fall into is borderline awkward, but with Abby not wanting to ask her questions and Clarke clearly having some reason to hold off on sharing no one knows what to say. Kane breaks first. “So, Clarke, I feel like I know you already thanks to your mom. It’s really not fair that you know nothing about me. What would you like to know?”

Clarke takes a deep breath and her eyebrows knit in thought. “Who do you race as in Mario Kart?”

One line is all it takes for the atmosphere to relax. I believe that’s a skill only Clarke possesses. Abby covers her mouth with one hand to hide her laughter and I try not to jostle Clarke too much with my own.

“I’m rather fond of Dry Bowser, personally,” Kane admits with a grin and I raise an eyebrow. I would have pegged him as a Luigi kind of guy.

Moments later, Clarke voices my thought, “Oh? I was sure you were going to say Luigi. Huh.” She frowns like she’s genuinely upset about being wrong, but then she shakes her head and it’s gone. “Where’s your soulmate?”

“She had cancer. That’s how I met your mother, actually. She was visiting the hospital where Callie was getting chemo and I worked and we became fast friends. When Callie died a few weeks later, her last request was that I allow myself to move on. After she died, I couldn’t bear to work there anymore, so I transferred to the first hospital who offered me a position. Luckily, it was the same one Abby works at. So, after several months spent mourning and wondering how Callie thought it’d be possible for me to move on, Abby was there. I don’t know when I started having feelings for her, but I know that Callie doesn’t hold them against me, wherever she is.” Clarke nods along while Kane tells the story, seemingly satisfied by it.

“I’m sorry for your loss,” she says eventually, “I’m glad you two were able to find each other.”

Marcus hums his response while Abby murmurs her thanks. A moment passes before Marcus smiles and asks, “So what else do you want to know?”

“Oh, you know, the usual stuff. What do you do for a living? Favorite color? Have you ever killed anyone? Favorite food?” Clarke rattles off with a grin, earning a chuckle from me and a gasp paired with a light smack from Abby with her third question. Marcus offers a smile before starting in on his answers.

Chapter Text

The day goes by slowly as people never stop coming to visit. It’s not until the sun has been down for hours and visiting hours are ending that we have a moment to ourselves. Even then, it’s only because Octavia and Raven are practically being forcibly removed from the room by a particularly aggressive nurse who is a stickler for rules, apparently visiting hours especially. That whole time, I’m dying to know what Clarke needs to tell me that she couldn’t earlier, but I can’t really be upset. Actually, I’m grateful for her friends and mom for coming and making sure she knows how loved she is.

When everyone is finally gone and we have the room to ourselves again, I wait semi-patiently for Clarke to bring it up. Whatever it is, I’m sure it’s more important to her than it is to me so she gets to be entirely in charge of when we talk about it. I lay in bed with her, my arm wrapped protectively over her shoulders while her head lays on my chest. I look down at her and smile when I see her drifting off, adorably endearing as she snuggles into me and nudges her nose into my skin. “I can’t believe you thought I’d die,” she murmurs after a few moments.

I giggle and hide my smile in her hair as I whisper, “And why is that?”

“I couldn’t leave this world without knowing what it’s like to sleep with you,” she explains and I feel her smirk pressed on my chest before she lifts her head to look at me without even attempting to hide it. The flush that rises on my cheeks is hot and I scowl at her when she laughs. “Did I ever thank you for last night?”

“I don’t think so, but that’s fine. I enjoyed doing it anyway,” I reply, glancing around the room that hasn’t yet been returned to normal.

Clarke gingerly pushes herself up from the bed until she’s hovering over me, her face centimeters from my own. “Well,” she begins in a low voice, her eyes fixed on my lips, “that’s just not right.” She closes the gap and her lips move slowly against my own and we break apart only when it becomes necessary in order to get oxygen into our lungs. “How’s that for thanks?”

I hum with my eyes closed, taking a moment to think it over. “I think we’re almost there.” The grin that stretches my lips making the next kiss awkward but no less amazing. “Don’t get any funny ideas, though,” I murmur when we separate again, pressing my forehead to hers and opening my eyes to look at her. “You’re broken and we’re in a hospital. I know you’re a sex demon, but you’ll have to hold off for just a bit longer.”

Clarke’s eyes sparkle and her tongue pokes out between her teeth when she giggles. “I guess that’s incentive to get better as quickly as possible, huh?” she jests with a raised eyebrow.

“I guess so,” I agree with a nod, burying my nose in Clarke’s hair when she settles on my chest again.

Several minutes pass in silence and my eyelids get heavy and I wonder about sleeping here with Clarke tonight rather than moving to the chair. I’m just talking myself into moving so as to make sure I don’t do anything to hurt her when she speaks up again.

“My dad wasn’t the only one I saw,” she murmurs so quietly that I can’t hear the words so much as the vague sounds of her voice.

“What was that, love?” I ask.

She sighs and I can imagine her eyes closing even though I can’t see her face at the moment. “Wherever I went, whatever it was, I saw your mom.” She pauses when I freeze, I assume to let me take in the information. “She asked me to tell you and Anya that she’s sorry. That she doesn’t expect you to understand why she did what she did, but that she loves you both.” I still don’t say anything. I don’t have anything to say, honestly. I hear what Clarke is saying, but they don’t really sink in. Clarke must take my silence as something else because she starts rambling. “I’m sorry. I should have made her make me understand. I should have gotten more from her. The very least I could have done would be to ask her why she left you two behind, but I didn’t even think of it. You know what my temper is like. I was just so mad for you, I didn’t even think to talk to her. I just…”

I cut her off with a finger to her lips. She looks up at me, confused and shocked, but she stops talking. I don’t say anything right away, taking a second to just think. My eyes close and I shake my head, trying to figure this out. Finally, I realize I need to talk to help it solidify in my head. “My mom? You saw my mom?” I ask, confusion making my tone sound childish to my own ears. Clarke nods and I furrow my brows. “How do you even know what she looks like?”

“Her eyes were what gave it away the fastest. They look just like yours. And I could see where you and Anya get your killer cheekbones. And your hair. Did you get anything from your dad? Then she spoke and I thought for a second that you were there,” Clarke explains and I close my eyes, trying to conjure a memory of my mother to figure out if she’s telling the truth or if this was just a really weird dream. I’ve never realized before that I don’t actually remember much about my mom. I don’t know if that’s because she died when I was so young or if I pushed them away as some kind of self defense mechanism.

The more I think about it, the more all those things she said seem true. I remember once I was really happy because my father told me that I have my mom’s eyes. Maybe I shouldn’t go with it so easily, maybe I should assume that if Clarke’s brain did make this up as a dream that of course Mom would look like me. But she believes that it’s real and that’s enough for me.

But that means she saw my mom. I don’t even know how I should be reacting to this. The numbness is starting to wear off and I’m pretty sure this is where I’d usually run. But right now, I have no desire for that. Instead, I just nod. “Well, that was nice of her. I hope her conscious is clear.”

Clarke watches me carefully, like she’s worried I’m going to break any second now. “You’re not upset?” she asks cautiously.

I shake my head, my eyebrows drawing together when I realize it’s the absolute truth. “I don’t blame her. I mean, yeah, I’d love to know what was so bad about her life that she would leave her kids behind like that, but I’m not mad. I wouldn’t be who I am if she was still alive.” Clarke nods along and smiles supportively. “I wouldn’t be the person you love if I hadn’t survived what I have.”

“I’m still sorry, though. I wish I could go back to ask her why she left,” Clarke apologizes and I smile reassuringly at her.

“Don’t be. I’m better off. Even with everything I’ve gone through, Indra and Gustus are better parents than either of mine ever were,” I promise. “I don’t know if I will always be this… chill… about this, but right now I am. I’m too happy that you’re okay and that I have you to be upset about what I’ve lost.” We fall into a tense silence for a few moments before I break it. “Let me be the one to tell Anya, please. I know this is your thing and she might not even believe me, but you know how bad the both of us are at dealing with emotions. I don’t know how I expect her to react to this, but I imagine it’ll be healthier if it’s just the two of us.”

“Totally understandable,” Clarke replies with a nod. She waits a second before she says, “I know this is extremely selfish of me to ask, but can you maybe wait and tell her tomorrow? I really don’t want to be alone tonight.”

I hesitate for a moment. I don’t want to leave Clarke, but it’s not really fair to wait on telling Anya. Clarke watches me as I debate what I should do silently, a kind of sad understand crossing her features when she figures out that I can’t put this off. I’m just about to apologize when my attention is drawn to the door and Wells comes in.

“Wells! Perfect! Can you please stay with Clarke for a while? I have something I really need to do now and I can’t leave her alone,” I request, ambushing him before he can even say why he’s here.

There isn’t even a second of hesitation before he’s agreeing. I turn to Clarke hopefully, desperate for this to be a decent compromise. Her smile may be a bit forced when she nods and there may come a time where I regret taking this choice in this moral dilemma, but right now it seems like the only way to go. I lean over to brush my lips against her forehead. Without moving I whisper, “I love you and I’ll be back as soon as I can.” With that, I leave, brushing past Wells without offering him any sort of explanation.

When I get home, I find Anya on the couch with Raven. Thankfully, they’re just watching a movie together while Anya massages Raven’s injured leg. They both look surprised when they see me standing there.

“Is Clarke okay?” Raven asks, already pushing away from the couch and struggling to stand without her brace.

“No! No, she’s fine. Don’t get up,” I reply, reaching out as if to push her back into the couch. “But is there any chance I could borrow my sister for a minute?”

Anya and Raven share a look and I briefly wonder if I’ll have to resort to begging in order to get my sister separated from her soulmate. Then, they both nod and Anya’s carefully moving Raven’s leg from her lap to the couch cushion and standing up. I smile gratefully at Raven before following Anya down the hall to her room.

“If this is about the other day, I don’t think now is the time to talk about it. We both clearly have things to say to each other but I’m sure it can wait until Clarke’s released from the hospital at least,” Anya comments after she shuts the door. I shake my head at her and go straight to her closet where I know she hides her photo albums from before we moved in with Uncle Gustus and Aunt Indra. Without bothering to explain myself, I pull out the book that’s from after Anya was born and flip to the last page. I don’t know if I’m relieved or worried by the fact that the woman smiling up at me shares the few characteristics that Clarke was able to give me.

“Why are you suddenly so curious about Mom?” Anya asks, making me jump when her voice is coming from right behind me. I turn and she’s peering down at the book with an unreadable expression. Unfortunately, I know what that means so I know that the odds are what I have to say aren’t going to make her very happy.

“Something happened to Clarke when she died yesterday. I would have told you sooner, but the first chance she had to tell me was right before I came here,” I start, flinching when Anya’s face hardens even further as she clearly figures out where this is going. “Wherever she went, she saw her dad and he helped her come back.”

“Lex…” she murmurs, closing her eyes and taking a step back, “I’m not sure I want to know this.”

I power through, sure that she won’t ever be satisfied if I just leave it now. “She saw Mom, too. Apparently she’s sorry and she knows we don’t understand but she apologized.”

Finally, Anya’s mask breaks but I’m not sure that I’m happy about the development. She’s angry. The only time I’ve ever seen her this mad was when she first found out that Costia broke my heart and I was honestly worried she’d go out and kill her. I know that I never have to be afraid of Anya, but right now I’m afraid for her. I stay silent while she stands there, her fists clenched so hard I’m worried she’s broken the skin on her palms and her eyes get darker and darker with her rage. “I know exactly why she killed herself, Lex,” she growls finally. “She killed herself because she’s a goddamn coward who’d rather leave her children behind than deal with a broken heart. And you know what? She was a pretty crap mom after our piece of trash father left so what does it even matter that she left us behind? Either way, I was forced to be your mom when I was in high school. She can shove that apology up her ass because this is not something she can be forgiven for.”

I don’t even know what to say as Anya rants, I’m so shocked by it all. My mouth opens and closes around silent words as I try to figure out what I’m thinking. “But you always defended her? You kept these because you were sure that one day I would learn to be as forgiving as you?” I finally question, gesturing behind me to the box of pictures and various other things from our lives with our parents.

Anya’s face softens when she looks at me, but there’s still a bitter glint to her eyes. “I didn’t want you to hate her just because I did. You’re still my kid sister, it’s my job to protect you from this kind of shit. But that’s a low blow. I hope that whole thing with Clarke was real and she’s watching over us so she can see how much better we turned out that we ever could have with her. I mean, hell, we’re almost approaching normal! And, for the most part, we’re both happy.”

Anya gets this sad look on her face with that last remark and I frown, feeling bad that I’m not able to be as happy as she wishes. I take a step forward and wrap my arms around her waist, resting my head on her shoulder. “For what it’s worth, I think you did a great job raising me.”

She lets out a quiet half laugh and returns my embrace. “No I didn’t, but that’s okay. You’re still a great kid. And I know you’re going to be okay even though I probably didn’t do as great a job as I should have with you.”

“It never should have been your job. I’m just sorry I didn’t let Uncle Gus and Aunt Indra help as much as I should have.”

“Kid, you think I let them parent either of us as much as they wanted to? You just did a good job of pushing back against what little I let through.”

We both laugh then and when we pull back, I notice there’s just a faint gloss of tears coating Anya’s eyes before she blinks them away. “Come on, kid. Let’s get back to our soulmates.”

Chapter Text

I was ten when I celebrated my first Christmas. I don’t really know why I had never celebrated it before. I know it was because my dad didn’t want to, but the reason behind that was never made clear to me. It wasn’t because we were too poor, we were actually pretty well off. His religion didn’t go against it as far as I’m aware. To be honest, I don’t really remember much about my dad, just stories Anya has told me, which are very few because she hates him more than I have ever seen anyone hate any other person.

Gustus went all out on decorations, much like he always does. I didn’t know it then, of course. I just knew that Mom never made me come home every day after school and spend an hour decorating after I did my homework. I was ten, that hour felt like years and I was bitter. Christmas had never been something that I looked forward to or even was jealous of. It was just something that everyone else did and that Dad taught me we were better for not participating in. Lincoln was really excited and much less reluctant about helping his dad with the over abundance of decorations. Even Anya was pretty happy to be getting to celebrate the holiday, though she tried to hide it with a practiced scowl and the eye roll that she perfected in her teen years. I was the only one who didn’t understand the hype.

It wasn't until Christmas Eve that they got me on their side. I was forced into a reindeer onesie and sent to bed early with the strict instruction not to get up in the middle of the night or else Santa wouldn’t come. Of course, I could not care less whether or not Santa came but I didn’t want to ruin it for Lincoln and Anya. Even when the need to go to the bathroom struck around eleven, I stayed in bed and hoped it would go away. Twenty minutes later, my door was slowly pushed open and Lincoln came in.

“What are you doing out of bed!” I hissed, refusing to even sit up for him.

“We’re going to go see Santa!” he explained, excitement rolling off him in waves.

I shook my head and gripped the top of my blankets tightly. “No! He won’t come if we’re not asleep. Didn’t you listen to your mom?”

Lincoln grinned widely at me and jumped on my bed. “Yes he will! I do this every year, don’t worry,” he whispered, though he could hardly keep his voice so quiet through all his excitement.

I hesitate, but if he says he does this every year, I have to trust him. “Fine…” I mutter eventually, “but I need to go to the bathroom first.”

Lincoln nods excitedly and bounces out of my bed and to the door. He looks back at me every few seconds like he’s worried I won’t follow, but I do. A few minutes later, I go to the top of the stairs to meet him. “Anya?” I whisper, surprised to see my sister there too.

She rolls her eyes but there’s a small smile tugging at the corners of her lips when she says, “The kid was so excited, I couldn’t exactly turn him down.” I feel exactly the same way but I don’t say it. If Anya’s into it, who am I to say that it’s really not even that exciting.

We sit at the top of the stairs for a long time, what feels like hours to my ten year old brain. I’m just about to give up and call it a night despite the inevitable protest I’d receive from Lincoln when bells sound outside the house. I perk up at the noise, suddenly intrigued by it all.

“There he is!” Lincoln murmurs, practically vibrating from excitement. Slowly, the front door creaks open and in comes Santa. I don’t know what it is about the man in the red coat, but suddenly I understand why everyone thinks Christmas is such a magical holiday. Lincoln and Anya are both busy watching Santa move presents from his bag to under the tree that they don’t notice when I slowly creep down the stairs.

I make it to the bottom without being spotted by him, but when I glance back at my sister and cousin, they’re both gesturing frantically for me to come back up to them. I shake my head and gesture toward the door. This just gets them both more frantic and the way Anya’s watching me makes me feel like she’s seconds away from coming down here and carrying me back to my room. Still, though, I’m curious about these reindeer that supposedly pull his sleigh so I continue to ignore them and tiptoe my way over to the still open front door. Poking my head outside, I’m ecstatic to see there are actually giant animals standing around in our yard

I look back at Anya and Lincoln, a wide grin splitting my face, and I once again gesture outside as if that will let them know what I’m so pumped about. I slip out and go up to the animals, unable to tame my smile when I go up to one of them and offer them a hand to sniff. The beast knocks his snout against my hand as he sniffs it and I can’t contain my laugh. The happiness doesn’t fade until I hear heavy footsteps come up behind me.

Slowly, I turn around to face Santa. He’s standing up straight and peering down at me with his hands on his hips. “Well, what do we have here?” he questions in a deep voice. “I thought I only had two of my reindeer with me tonight.”

“I’m sorry, Santa. Please don’t take away my family’s presents now,” I apologize, my voice barely a squeak as I fear that I ruined Christmas.

His stern face softens into a teasing smile and he leans down to be level with me. “Ho Ho Ho!” he laughs and I can’t help but wrinkle my nose at the ridiculous sound. “Why would I do that, Lexa? I can’t blame you for being curious. After all, this is your first Christmas, isn’t it?”

“How’d you know?” I whisper, amazed at his extensive knowledge.

Again, he laughs and shakes his head. “I know everything! Now let’s get you back to bed. You need to be all rested up for your big day tomorrow!” With that, he picks me up and carries me back into the house, only putting me down when we’re back in my bedroom. Santa waves at me as he goes out the door after tucking me in and I’m fully convinced of the magic of Christmas as I lay there in bed replaying the events from the last ten minutes in my head.

A few minutes later, Anya and Lincoln both poke there heads in. “What were you thinking!” and “I can’t believe you met Santa!” bombarding me simultaneously and I shrug in response.

“I wanted to see the reindeer,” I reply, a small smile still on my face.

Of course, a few years later I learned that Santa was just Uncle Gustus and the reindeer were a loan from his buddy that owns a Christmas tree plantation where he also raises a few reindeer for a seasonal petting zoo. Still, though, that night never quite lost it’s magic for it was probably the first step toward finding happiness without my mom.

Chapter Text

By the time I get back to Clarke, she’s fallen asleep. It takes me a minute to even notice that Wells is still in the room as I just watch Clarke, looking ever so peaceful as she lies there with her head tilted to one side and her cast-free arm dropped to the side like she was in the middle of a gesture of some kind when she sleep overtook her. The smile the tugs at the corners of my lips is small, but I feel it clear down into my soul because every time I see her alive and well, I feel as though I’ve never been this happy in my life. My smile drops a fraction when Wells clears his throat and I turn to look at him. “She just went to sleep. She was trying her best to stay awake until you got back, but the mixture of her condition and the pain pills made that practically impossible,” the man whispers with a fond smile.

“Thank you,” I reply, my voice just as quiet for fear of waking Clarke. Wells leaves with a nod and I take the opportunity to grab Clarke’s hand and sit down next to her. She stirs in her sleep, wriggling slightly closer to me but never waking up, and I watch carefully until she settles down. Only when she seems completely peaceful in her slumber again do I allow myself to relax, my legs stretched out in front of me and my head propped on a pillow I grabbed from the cot.

The next morning, I actually wake up before the doctors have made it to Clarke’s room for their rounds. Clarke is awake in bed, playing with my fingers and entirely focused on something in her own head. I watch her for a minute and I find the way she chews her bottom lip while she thinks entirely too endearing. When she’s finally noticed that I’ve woken up, Clarke turns her attention to me and smiles widely. “Morning,” she greets cheerily.

“Good morning, love,” I respond around a yawn. I rub my eyes tiredly and on catch a brief glimpse of the way Clarke’s eyes soften at the gesture before they light back up with happiness. “What’s got you so giddy this morning?”

Clarke shrugs her shoulder and I have to fight back a second yawn. I can’t wait until she can come home and I can get a proper sleep with her in my arms. “You’re cute, that’s all.”

“Yeah, yeah,” I wave her off, though I can’t ignore the smile that automatically graces my face after receiving a compliment from her. “How are you feeling today?” Clarke turns her head away at my question and, as usual, I assume the worst. In an instant, I’m up from my seat with my finger hovering over the call nurse button while the other flutters over her face as if I can somehow touch her just right and make the pain go away. Before I settle on a place to caress of press the button, Clarke turns back to me with the smile but the barest hint of frustration deep in her eyes.

“I’m fine. I just hate this situation,” she explains when she sees even more concern deepen the frown on my face despite her the small smile she’s adopted, obviously for my benefit. I sigh through my nod and reach out to stroke her blond hair gently.

“I know, love. You’ll be free to leave soon, though, I’m sure,” I assure her as if I could possibly know that to be true.

Clarke leans into my hand and her face relaxes. “I don’t know. I’ve probably got another three days in here at least. Maybe more if something goes wrong or that asshat Dante decides there’s something to be worried about so I need more observation.”

“Dante doesn't seem that terrible,” I reply around a chuckle. Clarke looks at me incredulously before closing her eyes and leaning her head back. “Okay, you’re right, he’s a bit of a jerk. Which is yet another reason that you should’ve gone to Ton DC’s. I assure you, that is a great hospital.”

Clarke grins, blindly reaching out to smack me. “Shut up, jerk. This place is good, too,” she argues, though her tone is without any bite. “Need I remind you I know a lot of the doctors here personally?” As she speaks, she raises her arms to me like she’s asking for a hug and I wordlessly climb into bed beside her, instantly feeling more relaxes when I feel her warmth against my side.

“And you’ll probably do your internship here when you graduate, I know… Just maybe give Ton DC a chance? I know this guy, Niko, he’s their head of ortho and he’s great,” I state with a grin though I know I can’t change her mind. We’ve had this discussion many times before and Clarke just has too many ties to Arkadia to move to my usual hospital.

Clarke remains silent instead of jumping into our usual banter and when I look over, she’s got her head turned away from me. “Clarke?”

The blond mutters something I don’t catch, dipping her head as she does. After gently prodding for her to repeat it louder and waiting patiently for a few moments, she finally rewards me. “I’m not sure I want to be a doctor anymore…”

I freeze, my eyebrows drawn together and my breath momentarily caught in my chest. After I manage to get control of myself again, I don’t even know what to say. “What? Why? I thought this was what you wanted. You love medical school and hanging out here hoping they give you work.”

Before Clarke has a chance to respond, a few interns and Dr. Wallace come in for rounds and I get out of her bed after being on the receiving end of his disapproving stare for a moment too long. The whole time they’re talking, all I can think about is Clarke’s revelation. Sure, she’s complained about how hard medical school is a few times, but she’s always seems like she enjoyed it. Not once has she given me any reason to believe that may not be what she wants for her life.

I’m pulled out of my thoughts several minutes later by Clarke calling my name. Shaking my head to fully chase my confusion away, I give my full attention to my soulmate, hoping we can discuss this now. “Since mom’s here to keep me company, why don’t you go to the gym for a bit? I’ve pulled you away from your work long enough.” Her voice sounds like it’s a nice suggestion that I could easily say no to, yet her face says that no isn’t an option. Glancing over around the room, I notice that Clarke’s right and Abby’s here, so we’re definitely not having that conversation any time soon.

Looking back at Clarke, I see the finality in her eyes and I take a moment to briefly wonder if this is worth a fight. Of course, I can’t just go with the logical choice and leave, giving her a few hours to calm down from whatever gotten her mad all the sudden. “You know you always come first, Clarke. They really don’t need me over there,” I point out, remembering back for a moment the last time I said similar words in a much more pleasant atmosphere.

“Lexa,” Clarke begins, her tone hardened and making me flinch, “I’m a big girl, I can survive without you for a few hours.”

Refusing to let my temper rise, I duck my head and stand from the chair I don’t even remember sitting in. “Fine,” I mutter, all fight drained from my voice. “I’ll see you in a bit. Sorry.”

At the gym, the first thing I notice is that all my classes have been divided between my employees so I have no tasks for the day. It makes sense, they didn’t know I was coming so of course they went with the schedule they worked up to accommodate for my extended absence. However, the way Clarke treated me already has me hurt so I can’t help but be annoyed that there is absolutely nothing I can do here either. So, after I change, I find a free punching bag in the back to take out my aggression on for a few hours.

When Anya finds me, my punches are getting weak due to the soreness my upper arms are painstakingly making me aware of. “I didn’t expect to see you here,” my sister states, coming up to stand beside the abused object. I completely ignore her and continue hitting. She’s patient, though, and she just stands there watching me until I’m ready to talk.

Finally, I tire myself out and lean forward to rest my head against the punching bag, closing my eyes as I do. “I’m sorry I implied you didn’t take care of me right. You had no way of knowing that I was doing more harm than good when I always ran away to my work rather than deal with my shit.” Still, Anya remains silent and eventually I have to open my eyes, turning my head to look at her. Her eyes are boring into me and I know I’m not getting away from the gym without telling her what’s wrong. “Clarke is mad at me. I’m not really sure what I did, though. She apparently made a decision about something and I questioned her and apparently that really annoyed her. But I was shocked. What was I supposed to do? Blindly accept it and not expect any reasoning?”

Anya sighs and shakes her head, a wry smile pushing the corners of her lips up. “Yeah, kid, that’s exactly what you should have done. Never question your soulmate, especially when she’s in a hospital, and in enough pain that she’s probably always on edge.” Stepping forward, my sister puts an arm over my shoulder in a half-hug and leads me across the gym to the locker room. “Now, as much as I love seeing you here, you need to shower and go back to Clarke. Really, I can’t believe you stayed there everyday while she slept but the second you get in an argument you run away.”

I shove Anya away from me at her teasing words. “Shut up, you ass. She told me to leave. Essentially said I was smothering her.”

“Well you are,” Anya comments as she shoves me into a shower stall. I hear her laughter echo through the locker room as she walks away and I smile despite myself, happy to see whatever I broke between us is fixed at least.

Chapter Text

I leave the gym shortly after my talk to Anya. I’ve worked all my aggravation out of my system and there’s still no real work for me to do so I see no point in sticking around. Just as I’m exiting the building, I spot Raven getting out of her car, presumably coming to visit my sister. From the bag she pulls out of the passenger seat, I have to assume she’s here to deliver lunch. For a moment, I think about asking her if she knows why Clarke’s mad at me, but I don’t especially want to drag anyone else into it. Especially since I don’t know where Raven stands with me at the moment, for all I know Clarke’s already gotten her on her side and she won’t be willing to speak to me any more than Clarke was when I left the hospital.

Unfortunately, the time I spent debating this gave Raven a chance to get to the door. “Raven,” I nod toward the woman as she approaches.

An encouraging smile graces Raven’s lips when she looks up from her phone and sees me standing there. “Lexa. I just left your other part, she said you might be here. She also seemed to regret whatever she said to you, but you know how she is. She’s chosen you as her target to take her anger out on so it’ll be a while before she’s back to her normal self around you.”

I nod disappointedly but force a hopeful smile to my face. “So I didn’t actually do anything wrong?”

Raven laughs when she shakes her head. “No. I think she’s actually just pissed at herself for getting in an accident.” I purse my lips as, once again, I’m nodding along to Raven’s words. “I’ll go back at the end of visiting hours and after I’ll let you know if you should stay away for the night,” Raven answers my next question before I can even decide to ask it.

“Thank you, Raven. Now go on and give Anya hell. Just no sex anywhere in my gym, please,” I request with a smirk, laughing at the light smack Raven delivers to my shoulder.

“No worries, Commander,” Raven smirks at the glare I level at her for the use of my nickname, “just here for a meal with my girlfriend.” She lifts the bag pointedly before slipping around me.

I get to my car and sit in silence for a moment thinking about Raven’s words. I want to give Clarke everything she wants, so if Raven’s right and she needs me to stay away, I will do that for her. But, I really don’t want to not go back if she actually wants me there. And, of course, there is the entirely selfish reason of I just don’t want to be away from her for any longer.

With a sigh, I start the car and decide to go grab some food before I make a decision either way.

I drive through town for a while, trying desperately to find a restaurant that I haven’t been to with Clarke before. I know more than anyone else how dumb it is, but I just want to have a night for myself without being bombarded with thoughts of Clarke. Especially a happy time with Clarke when I’m trying to just take some time to myself while I pretend she’s not sitting in a hospital room mad at me, apparently for something I didn't even do.

Almost an hour later, I decide to just give Uncle Gustus a call to see if I can beg him into cooking for me. Naturally, he agrees, but on the condition that I come over and eat with him and Aunt Indra. They go easy on me for the beginning of my time at their house. The entire time Gustus is in the kitchen cooking, Aunt Indra and I sit in the living room not talking about anything. It’s calming, both of us doing our own things and only speaking every couple of minutes or so. That’s how it was for most of my childhood here, my uncle always being the more talkative one. My aunt prefers to save her words for what she feels is important, though she’d never not respond if someone started a conversation with her. Though, I’m sure this time her silence is to save the questioning for when my uncle is in the room so we don’t have to waste time by having the same conversation twice.

“I really don’t know how I’m related to such quiet people,” Gustus jokes when he steps through the doorway from the kitchen.

I smirk when Aunt Indra doesn’t even look up from her laptop to voice her rebuttal. “Technically, you married me so there is no blood between us.”

“And we only share about 25% of our genetics,” I offer. I’d probably miss the small smile that Indra displays if I didn’t learn at a fairly early age how to look for it. The approval lifts a bit of the weight from my chest, making me feel slightly better about this whole day. Uncle Gustus’s hearty laugh doesn't hurt, either, and soon enough I find myself smiling with them.

“You’d think that your aunt would be the one actually related to you,” he comments before retreating back to the kitchen. I slide my phone into my pocket and stand to follow him, assuming that was his way of telling us dinner is ready.

As Indra places her laptop on the coffee table, I offer a hand to help her stand. She accepts it with her small smile still in place and says, “You need to come over more. He gets unruly without you to help put him in his place.”

“You mean Lincoln doesn’t do that when I’m not around?” I question with a fake gasp of shock. Finally, Indra releases one of her rare chuckles and my chest swells with pride. There were a few years from late high school and early college but before Costia where I wanted nothing more than to earn that sound. I would make such a fool of myself trying to make her laugh and it hardly ever worked, but it’s times like this when I remember how carefree my youth was and think I might one day get that back.

Aunt Indra claps a hand on my shoulder while we walk, forcing me to lean in slightly as if she’s going to tell me a secret. “That boy is useless at sassing his father. Both of your siblings worship the man too much for that.”

Gustus looks up when we make it to where he’s setting the table. “You mean to say Lexa doesn’t worship me?” he questions, clearly trying to fight back a grin and failing miserably.

Indra shakes her head silently and I say, “Of course I do, Uncle. But I also know you can be a bit… How do I put this nicely?”

I trail off and Indra offers ideas. “Obtuse. Foolish. Childish.”

“Yeah, that,” I agree with a wide grin at the dramatics Uncle Gustus puts on upon hearing his wife’s words. He throws a hand to his chest with a gasp before falling into a chair, all the while staring at the two of us with a look of complete and utter betrayal on his face. Aunt Indra rolls her eyes at his dramatics and goes on to her seat without giving him any real acknowledgment.

“Go on without me,” Gustus gasps out, the wide smile spread across his face really killing any chance of an effective fake death. “Lexa, tell your siblings that I will always love you all. Even my wife who stabbed me right through the heart and caused my death.”

“I’m sure they’ll forgive me,” Indra points out, which only makes Gustus’s smile widen, a feat I had though to be impossible.

I nod my head and reach out to take my uncle’s hand in my own. “I’ll always remember you,” I promise and use my free hand to wipe an imaginary tear from my cheek.

Gustus releases another great laugh as he straightens in his seat and we all begin dishing up our food. The light mood lasts for about five more minutes before Gustus gets to the real reason behind inviting me over. “So, what’s going on with Clarke?” I shake my head and chew my food in silence, as if that could possibly be enough for him to let it go. “Come on, Lex. We all know that you wouldn’t leave Clarke’s side for a second if nothing was wrong.”

“She’s in the hospital, obviously something is wrong,” I remark, my voice flat and my eyes locked on my plate. Gustus sighs heavily and Indra’s rough, calloused hand comes to rest on my shoulder. Another moment goes by before I figure out what I need to say here. “Clarke is tired and completely emotionally spent from being trapped in that place. She just needed today to figure out some things for herself without me there smothering her.” It’s not a complete lie and I hope it’s enough to get me a pass. It’s not like I can just say that I have no clue what’s going on with her without making it feel like I’m trying to pit them against her without all the information.

Indra offers a gentle squeeze before she takes her hand back and I turn my head to smile at her appreciatively. “Well, we know what that’s like. Do you even know how many days you locked yourself in your room and refused to speak to any of us so you could sort your stuff out?” Gustus reminds me and I raise an eyebrow at the man. “Don’t give me that look. This is no different. At least the reason Clarke is upset is logical. I still don’t understand any of the teenage angst we had to put up with from you.”

“You’re an ass,” I laugh, kicking his shin lightly and earning a look from my aunt. I don’t know for sure if it’s for the language or the kick, but either way I feel thoroughly reprimanded. I cross my arms over my chest and pout muttering, “I had way less angst then Anya…” The pout can’t hold, though, when Gustus starts laughing and Indra even cracks a smile.

The rest of dinner is easy after that as we’re finally allowed to move conversation to lighter topics. I end up staying at their house for a few hours after we’ve finished eating, leaving only when Gustus is called to the restaurant to help sort out some business that I don’t want to know the details of. I give both my parental figures a hug before I leave, and when I retreat back to my house I feel a lot lighter than the last time I was there. During that time, I somehow managed to forget I was waiting on a text from Raven, but the second I get back to my own house, I notice it’s getting close to the end of hospital visiting hours.

I don’t know how, exactly, I thought this night was going to go, but I certainly did not expect to end up sitting in my living room and staring at the cell phone sitting on my coffee table anxiously. Every so often, probably around thirty seconds or so, I light the screen up to check and make sure I didn’t somehow miss the text coming in. After about ten minutes of that, I look around the room in an attempt to find something to distract myself with. Unfortunately, Anya’s actually been keeping up with chores while I’ve been gone so there’s no cleaning for me to do. Eventually, I settle on reorganizing our DVDs by color, still checking my phone every so often.

The front door opens when I’ve got every case out of the shelves and laying on the floor, half made stacks formed while I hold a box in my hand, trying to decide if it’s actually purple or if it’s just the lighting and the case is actually red. “What is going on?” Anya asks, coming to stand in the doorway with a raised eyebrow. I look toward her and find Raven smirking, probably at the fact that I may have jumped when the sound of the door opening startled me.

“I’m reorganizing,” I answer my sister without taking my eyes off of her soulmate. Raven offers me a sad smile before shaking her head gently. “Want to help?” Finally I look to my sister, my shoulders drooping in disappointment. “What color is this?”

Anya shares a look with Raven and I refocus my attention on the mess I’ve made of our living room to allow them their silent communication. Without saying anything, Anya and Raven come to some agreement, Anya coming to sit next to me and Raven disappearing into the kitchen. “That’s definitely red. What, are you color blind?”

“Not for a couple months, no,” I retort and I hear Raven snort from the other room. I grin while Anya scowls and glares in the general direction of her girlfriend.

“Traitor,” she mutters under her breath before shoving me lightly in the shoulder. “So, what exactly are we doing?”

I give Anya a quick answer to her question and we set to work, though the frown on Anya’s face gives away her displeasure with this whole thing. “What?” I question eventually, when we’re about halfway finished and Raven still hasn’t returned.

“Nothing.” Anya shakes her head and doesn't look at me as she continues sorting. I set the stack in my arms down and stare at my sister, a single eyebrow raised and my eyes narrowed. She only lasts three more disks before she sighs and looks up at me. “I think organizing things like this by color is stupid and I know you usually think so too. Why are we doing this?”

I shrug and gesture to my phone as if that will explain the issues I’m having with Clarke. “I needed to clean and you’ve actually been doing chores for once. It was either this or alphabetize by the directors’ names.”

Anya exhales heavily through her nose and looks around the room slowly before looking back at me. “This is dumb. Why am I being punished for keeping up with housework?”

Raven returns to the room with three bowls of something steaming balanced on her arms. “Well, they’re unorganized now. How about you two take a break to help me eat this mac and cheese then you can put them back how they were,” she offers, setting the bowls on the coffee table.

“Great idea, babe!” Anya exclaims, offering no hesitation before standing from the floor to join Raven on the couch. I stand more slowly, sitting on the other side of Raven with a nod. Less then ten minutes later, both of the others have finished their food and I’ve barely touched mine.

“What,” Anya comments when she tries to take my bowl on her way to the kitchen with their dirty dishes, “you so depressed about Clarke that you’re not eating?”

I shake my head and offer a small smile. “I already ate with Aunt Indra and Uncle Gustus,” I explain, earning myself a playful glare from my sister.

“I’ll take the rest of yours, then,” Raven says, taking the bowl from my hands before I can even give her an answer. Anya laughs as she leaves and I take a moment before I get back down on the floor. Raven stops me from standing with a hand on my arm. “I’m sure Clarke will be back to normal soon. I made her actually talk about what happened the last time I was there. She really does feel bad, but she also said she needed a second to think without your gay ass self there to stare at her with your puppy eyes.”

I pause, staring at Raven’s hand where it’s still resting on my wrist. “Are you scolding me for loving her?” I question, a light smile tugging on my lips.

“Of course not,” she laughs, taking her hand back. “But she’s just as new to this whole soulmate thing as you are. She’s figuring shit out for herself and she says she needs some time to sort out what her life is becoming before she tries to worry about how you’ll fit in it.” I remain silent, biting my lip and mulling over her words. “I don’t know what she told you, but just let me know if this plan involves moving, yeah? I don’t want to find out after she’s already gone that she’s leaving us all behind.”

I shake my head, my eyes on the mess I’ve made of my living room. “As far as I know, she has no plans to leave Arkadia.” Silence falls for another minutes, the only sound in the house coming from the sink Anya’s got turned on. My chest hurts as I think about what Raven’s reveal could mean. “I just wish she’d talk to me if she’s planning a life that might not have me in it,” I admit quietly, my voice sounding just as hurt as I feel.

I jump when an arm comes up to wrap around my shoulders and it takes me a minute before I can relax into the half-hug that Raven is giving me. “I think we both just have to trust that she loves us too much to leave.”

“How can you be the soulmate of such a hot head and be so calm and logical yourself,” I mutter, though a small smile tugs at my lips and her words sooth my panicked thoughts.

“It’s all part of the Reyes charm.” The laugh that burst from my lips feels good, and the smile that graces Raven’s lips tells me that was her goal all along.

Chapter Text

Anya and Raven retreat to Anya’s room after we’ve gotten everything organized in stacks on the floor. There is a single moment when I stand in my living room, the only light coming from the TV playing reruns of some medical drama on mute, and I’m completely overwhelmed. I agreed to put the DVDs back on my own because this was my task that I started, but why do we have so many? At what point does it become excessive?

With a heavy sigh, I resign myself to my work. It’s slow progress, but I don’t mind it. I don’t think I’d be able to sleep tonight anyway. I’m only halfway through the J’s when my phone starts ringing with the completely obnoxious ring tone that I hated when it was first installed. I’m across the room in seconds though, ignoring the stacks I knock over in my haste and not worrying about all the noise I’m making. “Clarke?” I breathe when I connect my phone to my face.

The line is silent for minutes and I’d think she hung up on me, but I can just barely make out the beeping from her heart monitor in the background. I just let her sit quietly, not wanting to push her and happy to have this comfort. It’s almost like before the accident in a way. There were a few times when we’d have to sleep in our separate homes but, of course, we’d gotten so used to sharing a bed that we couldn’t sleep alone. So we’d end up calling each other and falling asleep with the call going through the night. I sink into the couch, lying across it on my stomach with my head on the armrest and I’m more comfortable listening to that quiet beeping than I ever imagined I could be today.

“Lex?” Clarke’s quiet call brings me back from the edge of slumber that I didn’t even know I was drifting toward.

“Yeah, love. I’m here,” I reply, my hushed voice just above a whisper. I don’t know if it’s in consideration for the people sleeping in this house, instinctive from the late hour, or simply my body mimicking Clarke’s tone without thinking.

The line goes silent again for a moment and I imagine Clarke’s psyching herself up for whatever she called me to say. “Sorry, it’s late. I shouldn’t have called you.”

“Clarke!” I blurt out, hoping to catch her before she hangs up. She doesn’t respond, but when I check my phone it shows that the call is still connected. I don’t realize what I was going to say, then. This conversation isn’t really something I want to do over the phone. “Can I come to the hospital?”

The silence makes me believe that her answer is going to be no. I try to tell myself that it’s okay, but I know that the more she pushes me away, the more I’ll end up assuming the worst and spiral. “Please,” she finally whispers, her phone barely picking up what was really just a breath of a word and transmitting it through my speakers.

I nod even though she can’t see me and I’m on my feet before I realize what I’m doing. Honestly, it’s probably comical the way I’m dragged back down to be bent over when my phone’s charging cable reaches it’s limit and I’m forced to remember the big deal Anya made of me letting my phone die all the time. How are people supposed to reach you when you do this? What if there’s an emergency. Seriously, Lex. You’d think a business owner would be more responsible. “I’ll be there in twenty minutes,” I promise, taking a second before I hang up the phone just in case Clarke wants me to stay on the line while I drive. I write a quick note for Anya while I’m pulling on my shoes and jacket, then I’m out the door on my way to Clarke.

Thanks to minimal traffic and my aversion to safe driving, ironic considering that’s what got Clarke in the hospital in the first place, I’m standing outside the hospital in fifteen minutes. That’s when I’m stumped. The main door that I usually go in is locked for the night and a quick glance at my watch revealing the time as nearing three in the morning makes that choice logical. But I don’t know how to get in. To be perfectly honest, the only solution my brain comes up with as I stand there is breaking in. So, I take several steps back to examine the building and I spend a solid couple of minutes figuring out the best way to infiltrate the hospital. Honestly, it doesn’t even seem hard. There is a window on the second floor that’s lit up so if I could just climb the overhang above the front entrance then balance on the little ledge there and knock on their window, they might let me in. Otherwise, I’m sure it wouldn’t be overly hard to jimmy a window open and hope there aren’t alarm systems in place.

“Can I help you?” I jump at the voice that comes from behind me with no warning, turning around quickly with my arms up and ready to defend myself. The woman who’s come up to stand a few feet from me remains unfazed, though a hint of amusement crosses her features at my actions. “Or are you enjoying staring at the outside of my hospital?”

My eyebrows furrow and I slowly lower my arms, though my hands remain in fists at my sides just in case. “Your hospital. Are you the owner? And if yes, could you tell me what kind of alarm system is in place?”

She laughs, though her shoulders tense just a tiny bit her eyes scan over my body slowly. “No, I’m just a surgeon here. I just started a few days ago, actually so I don’t really know what kind of alarm system there is.”

I nod and turn my gaze back to the lit up window. Whoever’s in there seems to be more of a night owl than I am. “My soulmate is in there and I promised to be there…” I glance at my watch, “Five minutes ago.”

“You realize you can just go in the emergency room’s entrance, right?” she points out and I turn back to her with wide eyes. “When did you last get a good night’s sleep?”

I shake my head and frown at the stranger, already backing away toward the aforementioned entrance. “That has nothing to do with this. Thank you for stopping me from breaking in, though, I don’t think anyone would be very happy if I ended up in jail,” I say with a shy smile and a wave. The woman just follows me, though, and I raise an eyebrow at her.

“You remember me telling you I work here, right?” she points out and I nod, letting out a laugh at myself.

“Sorry. You might have a point. It’s rough staying in the hospital for so long,” I give in with a sigh.

We fall into silence for the remainder of the walk around the outside of the building and soon enough I forget that she’s even next to me. “Hey, love,” I greet in a whisper when I walk into the room, careful to be quiet just in case she’s asleep. Clarke turns to me, though, and raises an eyebrow at the doctor hovering behind me. I turn around, surprised to see her there. It’s only then that I realize she may have wanted proof of my soulmate after my admittedly shady behavior earlier. I didn’t really think through my words before I said them, which is pretty unlike me and I’m just going to blame it on the time. That’s all it takes to gain her trust, though, as she offers us both a smile and wave before leaving.

“She’s pretty,” Clarke points out and I furrow my brows at the jealousy in her tone.

“Really? I didn't notice,” I say, and it’s not even the cliche move to get back on her good side. I genuinely didn’t notice a single thing about what the woman looked like except for the fact that she had a lot of curly black hair.

Clarke huffs and I stay by the door just in case she’s prepping to tell me to leave again. Then, she shakes her head and looks at me sadly. “Sorry, you don’t deserve that. You don’t deserve any of this. I know I don’t have to be jealous about you,” she apologizes, her eyes wide and shining.

I nod and approach the bed slowly, speeding up with a grin when she holds out a hand for me to take. When I reach out to hold her hand, she grabs me and pulls me down to lay with her. “We need to talk,” I whisper into her hair after I’ve gotten settled. My eyelids get heavy and I can hardly keep them open.

“Sleep first,” she commands, her voice muffled around a yawn. “Talk tomorrow.”

I don’t wake up until late the next morning, and even then it’s reluctant. I keep my eyes closed and burrow myself more securely into the warm body next to me. Gentle fingers card through my hair and I hum, smiling into Clarke’s neck. Slowly, I force my eyes open and am faced with the blinding shine that is Clarke Griffin’s smile. “Morning, beautiful,” she greets, pressing a firm kiss to my forehead.

“Good morning, love,” I reply lazily. A few seconds later, though, the peaceful moment is ruined when I remember where we are. I fly back, my eyes flying open wide in panic. All thought is lost when I fall to the floor and the only sound I can hear is Clarke’s laughter. I remain on the floor, leaning back on my elbows and staring up at Clarke as she angles her body to hang her head over the side of the bed. Her eyes are closed with how hard she’s laughing, her mouth curved in the most ridiculous of smiles as loud guffaws fill the room.

Eventually, her laughter dies and she opens her eyes to look at me with her smile still glistening in their blue depths. “What even just happened?” she questions eventually, hardly able to suppress more giggles around her words.

I shrug my shoulders and squirm a few inches to the left so I have room to stretch my legs out in faux relaxation. What really gives me away, though, is the fact that I have to duck my head to hide my blush. “I shouldn’t have slept on the bed like I did. I could have hurt you,” I explain sheepishly. When I look back to Clarke, she’s still smiling and her tongue peeks out between her teeth adorably. “Now stop making fun of me. I believe you owe me a talk.”

Clarke sighs and her smile slowly shrinks until it’s gone altogether. I feel bad for causing this, but we can’t exactly avoid this conversation forever. Of course, now that the time to have that conversation is actually upon us, neither of us want to start it. We sit in silence not looking at each other, trying to remind myself not to panic. Eventually, the silence gets to be too much and I have to stop it. “You’re leaving me, aren’t you. As soon as you’re allowed out of this room, I’m never going to see you again.” Clarke’s silence seems like a confirmation to me and I have to squeeze my eyes shut in order to prevent the tears from escaping. “It’s fine, really. I understand. We rushed into this and I haven’t been the best soulmate. You deserve better and I understand if you still need to figure out your life. You didn't have to grow up as quickly as Anya and I did and I was really lucky to get my gym started up as easily as I did. I’ll just go now, actually. Make it easy for you.”

I stand and try to make my retreat quick because I don’t want to make her watch me cry. “Lexa, stop,” Clarke calls out, her voice strained and shocked. I wonder how dense I must seem that she’s shocked at my figuring it out. Though, to be honest, I did have a bit of help, so maybe she’s not wrong. “Why would you think that I’m leaving?”

I turn around, surprised and confused. “Raven said…”

Clarke sighs heavily and cuts me off. “Raven assumes the worst almost always. Much like you, actually. But I’m not leaving, I promise. I just… I don’t know. I’ve had a lot of time to think while I’ve been here and that time made me realize that the unhappiness at being trapped in this bed isn’t the only reason I’ve been so down. It’s been going on for longer than that. I know I always act like being a surgeon and following in Mom’s steps is my dream, but I hate it. Medical school makes me miserable and I don’t blame you for not seeing it. I’ve always been excellent at hiding that kind of thing. I didn’t want to burden you, but I don’t think I should continue living like that. And anyway, being with you makes me feel so much better so I can almost pretend that I’m not just depressed the rest of the time.”

I remain silent as if waiting for Clarke to continue talking, but she seems to have run out of words. I don’t know what to say to fill the quiet. Clarke stares at me like she wants me to say something, though, her blue eyes piercing and boring into me almost painfully. “I guess we don’t really know each other that much,” I admit, my voice quiet and somehow just as broken as before.

“No! That’s not true, Lex. We know each other really well. Please don’t hold yourself responsible for that. It’s just like how you and Anya had that fight about how you handle your stress. Are you saying Anya doesn’t know you well because she thought your habits were healthy?” she counters and I shake my head slowly, my eyes squinted in thought. “I know, I just need to let you behind my walls and we would never have had this problem. But, in my defense, you took over a month before you told me that we’re soulmates. And even then it wasn’t really by choice.”

I hide my face then, shame eating at me as I remember that time. How was I supposed to argue with that? It’s an excellent point and really what I did was worse than her hiding her sadness from me. “So, be honest. Does your unhappiness have anything to do with me?” I question fearfully.

“Of course not! You make me so much happier than I would be otherwise. And I’m not saying that to put pressure on you or say my entire happiness rests on you or anything like that because that’s not healthy or true. But honestly being with you makes me feel so much better and like I could continue with that path for my life without hating myself in twenty years. But life is short, Lexa. I can’t keep forcing myself to do the safe thing when art has always been my real dream.”

“So you’re going to be an artist?” I ask, just wanting some clarification.

Clarke nods with a hint of a smile. “I want leave med school for a year to focus on my art. If nothing pans out and it becomes as futile as the starving artist stereotype makes it seem then I’ll go back and make something of myself in the medical world. But I have to give this a shot. Either way, I’ll still be right here with you. What do you think?”

I cock my head to the side and stare at Clarke as she gazes back at me hopefully. “Why does it matter what I think? You need to do whatever it takes to make you happy,” I point out with my brows furrowed.

Clarke frowns and her gaze turns from hopeful to skeptical. “Because I want your support. Does that mean I don’t have it?” she questions, her voice quiet and pained.

I shake my head furiously and cross the room in three large steps, crouching to lean my forehead against Clarke’s with my hands cupping her cheeks gently. Our eyes lock and the blue pools threaten to drown me in their glittering depths. “Of course I support you, 100%. Just tell me what I need to do to help you and I’ll do it no questions asked.”

Clarke tilts her chin up to kiss me and I melt into it, though her toothy grin makes it a bit awkward. “Even murder?” she questions with a breathy giggle when we part.

I smile widely and steal another kiss from her lips before my own make their way to her ear. “Even murder,” I whisper, before lightly pecking the shell of her ear and backing away. The smile she directs at me then could light up the world, it’s so bright.