Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

"Even if over a thousand years went by, I wouldn't forget about you. I won't be your friend, don't ask me to be. Being with you it's my destiny."

— Translation of Puntos Suspensivos, song by Piso 21.

“Guess who!”

Arashi’s voice was unmistakable, even from the other side of the classroom. Sweet and high-pitched. Souta glanced once to confirm his suspicion. The first thing he registered was Arashi’s bright blonde hair, and Nao sitting on his desk. His eyes were on her. He was smiling.

He turned away. He’d cried enough the other day when he gave her the tickets, and he couldn’t make a scene in front of the class. He couldn’t!

As always, Nao’s voice broke through his thoughts: “No way! You got tickets?”

And there it was.

Souta clenched his fists. His nails dug into his palms, it was painful, but he was determined to distract himself from the growing pain in his chest.

“What’s got Iseya so excited?”

Inoue was unashamedly staring at Nao and Arashi over his shoulder. Nao must have looked ecstatic.

“Probably something about music.” Souta shrugged, nonchalant.

“Oh, yeah, that sounds like him.” Inoue turned towards him again, and frowned. “Although you don’t look so well, Ueshima.”

Bless Inoue’s observation skills.

Souta forced a smile. It felt like lifting a thousand pounds. “I’m fine. I guess I’m just tired from work.”

“The café should name you employee of the month!”

Souta didn’t have time to turn back when Keisuke’s arm looped around his shoulder.

“Or at least give you a raise,” he added. “You’ve proved that you are quite the hard-worker.”

Souta could tell what he was doing, and that made it easier to laugh.

“Ha! Yeah, if you say so, but I could never dream of asking the owner for that.”

“Why not?” Takeo cut in. He pointed at Souta with his own Takoyaki. “You deserve it since you’ve been pulling so many shifts. We already know you’ve got some bad money habits, but it’s your money. You earn it, you can do with it what you want.”

Souta scratched the back of his head. “I just… I don’t know. It doesn’t feel right for me to ask for that kind of stuff.”

Takeo chewed on the last piece of the Takoyaki. “Dude, quit the self-sacrificing attitude.”

“It’s good to be selfless, Ueshima,” Inoue said, “but sometimes you have to think about yourself, too.”

Keisuke agreed. “That’s right. Promise you’ll start thinking of yourself more.”

Souta smirked. He was tempted to say ‘I’ll do what I can’.

The bright side was that he’d been distracted from the pain long enough. Now, he only felt an airy hollowness inside. It didn’t hurt. It didn’t feel like anything, really. Still, he smiled out of an immense gratitude towards his friends. He’d lost the person who mattered the most, but he wasn’t alone. He could overcome this… ‘grief’.

He could get over it.

He would.

Nao was awestruck. His wide brown eyes shifted between the small piece of orange paper in his hand and Arashi’s face.

“How did you get them?” he asked.

“Don’t worry about that!” she waved her hand. “Isn’t it great? And the concert is in just a few weeks! Talking about great timing, huh?”

“Yeah, totally.”

He looked to his left. Souta was with his back to him.

“Is there any chance that you can get another ticket?” Nao wondered.

“Sorry, I only got these two. Why?”

“Oh…” he deflated. “… It’s just… There’s someone I’d like to take to the concert. I’ve always thought he’d like this kind of music, too.”

Nao said he had something to do that day after class, so he couldn’t walk home with Souta and Keisuke.

At least he didn’t outright say he’d prefer to leave with Arashi. Souta couldn’t tell anymore if that was good or bad. It was a messed-up situation all around.

The wind outside crept under his jacket; he pushed his hands deep inside his pockets. It didn’t help. The cool weather wasn’t so comforting to him anymore. The cold made him feel vulnerable, lost without refuge.

“Go ahead.” He broke the silence as he and Keisuke walked. His feet dragged over the dry pavement, practically kicking it. “Say it.”

“Say what?”

“Whatever you’re thinking.” He saw a thin thread of steam come out of his mouth. It’d start snowing soon. “I probably need to hear it, even if I end up acting stupid again. I’m sorry I got like that when you told me it was a bad idea to get a job just to buy Nao the tickets. I should have listened.”

Keisuke could only think that watching his best friend—bright, smiley, hot-blooded Ueshima Souta—hunched, sad, and defeated, was a sight he would never erase from his mind. Even Souta’s eyes were devoid of any light, like a candle inside him had burned and consumed itself until it left nothing.

“Don’t beat yourself up, man,” he settled. “It’s not healthy.”

“I deserve it tho—”

 “Souta.”

Keisuke stopped dead in his tracks. Souta halted, too. Keisuke’s expression was nothing like his usual self; it was pinched.

When he spoke, his voice wasn’t as leveled, either:

“You don’t deserve it.” That was a statement. “You don’t deserve to suffer for the person you like, and you don’t deserve to be overlooked by them. You’re a great person. You’re kind and smart. Give yourself some credit. No, more than that—wake up to how great you are! That’s what you deserve!”

Whoa. Was this some sort of shock therapy? Souta couldn’t bring himself to look him in the eye.

“Thanks, but…” He used his scarf to hide as much of his face as possible. “… I’m not sure that I believe you.”

“I know you don’t.”

Souta scoffed. “So, that was what you wanted to tell me?”

“No… I think you should keep your distance from Iseya from now on.”

Chapter Text

“What?”

Souta blinked. His ears were ringing, like he got a headache at the same time that his mind went blank. Keisuke couldn’t have said that. It was a misunderstanding. Sure, Souta wasn’t happy to be around Nao just then, but he—

“I’m serious,” Keisuke reaffirmed.

“What?” he repeated. His breath morphed into a nervous laugh. No. No way. “You can’t be serious.”

“Why not?” Keisuke pressed. The anger faded from his face and revealed the restless concern beneath. “Is it doing you any good to be around him now?”

“You know I’m not happy that he is with Arashi, but he is my friend! I can’t just ditch him!”

“No, you are his friend, but what is he to you?”

Despite his words from before, Souta couldn’t contain his defensiveness.

He scowled despite the tears about to spill from his eyes. “Just what is your problem with Nao?”

“My problem is with you!”

The only thing worse than hearing that was the fact that Keisuke wouldn’t have said it if he hadn’t meant it.

“You can’t have a single person be the source of all happiness and all pain, but that’s what he is for you, isn’t he?”

Souta opened his mouth to argue, but only steam came out. It frustrated him. Meanwhile, although the tears kept itching his eyes, they refused to drop.

“When things are good between you two, you’re on Cloud Nine,” Keisuke went on a rant. “And when they aren’t, you are the most miserable person on Earth. You can’t depend on him to be happy!”

Souta glared at him. There was nothing wrong with his feelings for Nao! Nothing at all!

A single tear rolled and burned his cheek. “I’m kind of in a rush today. See ya.”

Keisuke didn’t have it, of course; he kept calling Souta’s name as the latter walked away. Still, he didn’t follow, and that was for the best. If the conversation continued, one of them would have to apologize, and neither felt like it.

The argument fired him up enough to literally pull his weight and run home. When he arrived, none of his parents were there, so he stomped his way upstairs, slammed the door, and dropped to sit on the bed hugging his knees. A stream of silent tears followed. His eyes squeezed shut, his headache became worse; he felt sick, so disgustingly angry—so not like himself—and it was all Keisuke’s fault!

Still, Keisuke wouldn’t have brought it up if Souta hadn’t given him reasons. That much he knew for sure.

He was mad because he knew Keisuke was right. Souta wasn’t happy anymore if he wasn’t happy with Nao. And without his innate loud, cheerful spark, he didn’t know who he was. He only felt angry without reason and lonely, even though he had so many friends.

Had he turned into someone who would disregard all the people that care for him?

Speaking about which…

He grabbed his cellphone from the nightstand and typed in a text.

Did you mean it when you said I’m smart?

Sent.

Keisuke didn’t wait to respond.

I did. I do. You’re smart. There. Now’s in writing :)

Souta made an effort to read through his puffy eyes and laughed.

Souta: I’m sorry I yelled at you :’(

Keisuke: Don’t worry. I wasn’t very nice with what I said either

Souta: No, you were right. I just didn’t want to accept it.

Keisuke: And now you do??

Souta stared at the screen for minutes. He didn’t want that, didn’t want to admit this was the right choice.

Then… what was?

To keep torturing himself and leave his friends to deal with the pieces of his broken spirit? 

For all his flaws, he wasn’t that selfish. If he didn’t want to make this choice for himself yet, he’d do it for the people he cared about. As he always did.

Souta: yeah, I think so

It didn’t read very convinced, and he knew it wouldn’t be easy to cut Nao off… but it wouldn’t be impossible. He walked closer to the window, seeking some sunlight and perspective. He’d been fine for years without Nao, after all. They just had to go back to how they were before.

School felt slower than usual. Nao thought he’d be thrilled about the concert coming up, but he hadn’t had a chance to tell Souta about it to hype it up together.

They hadn’t talked more than a brief hello in the mornings lately and then Souta said he was too busy with work lately to hang out. Nao was worried that he was going all out on something—as he usually did—and might end up tired or worse, and he hadn’t had a chance to warn him of that either because their schedules never seemed to match. Souta was busy with work or studying, and then Nao had also compromised to go window-shopping with Arashi to find a guitar for her and whatnot.

He took another shot that Friday when Souta didn’t seem to be in a hurry after class.

“Hey.” He smiled.

Souta looked up, his chestnut eyes instantly met Nao’s. “Oh… Hi.”

“Are you busy today?”

Souta clasped his lips. “Uh… Why do you ask?”

“I was thinking that we could go out again. We don’t seem to get time together recently, and we were kind of interrupted last time, remember?”

Souta looked down. “I… uh… have work today.”

Nao’s frowned. “Again? Is the owner telling you to take these many shifts?”

“No, not at all… I do it… because I want to…”

“Oh…” Nao muttered. “I guess you’re still running low on cash.”

Souta was right that the Ares soccer shoes were expensive. There were almost none in Souta’s size, too. A few days ago, Nao went to ask if they had already received them and they told him they were still expecting to hear from the provider.

Souta forced a laugh. “Haha! Yeah. Actually, I’m running late. See ya around!”

And he bolted, with his jacket only halfway through his shoulders. A sleeve waved in the air as he tried to fit his arm through it. What was that about? Nao looked back at Souta’s desk; he had left his pencil case behind. He picked it up and followed Souta.

He found him rounding a corner in the hallway. “Sou—”

“Ueshima, wait!” Inoue came from the opposite direction.

Souta waited for her to reach him.

She was beaming from the other side of the hallway and practically skipped her way to him. “I’m so glad I caught you!”

Souta was with his back to Nao, so Nao couldn’t see his expression. “Hi, Inoue. What’s up?”

“You know that ghost movie that’s in theaters?” she asked. “I was thinking we could watch it together since we had so much fun at the ghost tour. Are you busy today?”

Well, Nao knew Souta couldn’t—

“Nope!” Souta lifted his shoulders. “Wide open. Today is my day off.”

Nao froze. What?

“That’s perfect! The next function is in a couple of hours. We got tons of time, too!” Inoue hopped out of joy. Then she looked over Souta’s shoulder. “Oh! Hi, Iseya!”

Chapter Text

Souta turned around when he noticed Inoue looking behind him. His eyes locked on Nao at the other end of the hallway.

The memory from just a few minutes ago played on loop inside Nao’s head as he returned Souta’s stare across the somewhat short distance. It had been clear that Souta was lying back in the classroom; Nao hadn’t realized it because…

… because Souta wouldn’t lie just to avoid him.

Right?

“…Hi.” Nao waved after a couple of awkward seconds. “Sorry to interrupt, I just… I… Um… Souta, you forgot your pencil case back at your desk.”

Souta hadn’t seen the blue case in Nao’s hand; he blinked in confusion and understanding at the same time.

“Oh… Thanks.”

Nao walked closer and handed it to him.

That should have been the end of it, but his body refused to move. His eyes went from Souta to Inoue and back. It was only them in the hallway, yet none said a word. To make matters worse, Souta looked nervous, yet not remorseful, and Inoue… well… she looked curious. She knew something was going on, even if she couldn’t pinpoint what.

Nao didn’t know what was happening either. He forced himself to react. “I… um… See you later.”

Then he walked in the same direction he had come from.

After a few steps, he heard Souta’s voice: “Nao, wait!”

He stopped and listened to his footsteps behind him. By the time Souta reached him, he still looked nervous.

“You… uh… Did you happen to hear us?”

For half a second, Nao returned to his former self: angry and numb at the same time. You only ran after me for that?

He shook his head. “No… Why?”

Despite the lying, Souta was his friend. He knew Souta had a crush on Inoue. He didn’t want to ruin his ‘date’.

“No reason.” Souta exhaled a poorly disguised sigh of relief and passed a hand through his hair. “It was nothing.”

Nao hummed.

They stayed in a similar silence to the one before, safe that Souta wouldn’t do so much as look at Nao this time.

“Later.”

He went back to Inoue.

Nao walked towards the school doors.

Arashi was there.

“Hi!” she waved at him. “What took you so long?”

Nao walked down the steps. He didn’t remember them having plans that day. “Were you waiting for me?”

“Yeah! I was thinking we could go to look at guitars again today. What do you say?”

“Sorry, I don’t really feel like going out.”

His feet started moving before she had a chance to answer. He felt like he only wanted to be alone and talk to no one—just like it was before.

After that day, every attempt Nao made to talk to Souta was rebuffed. He ran away from Nao like he had The Plague. Even their morning greet had become brisk. Nao wondered if perhaps he’d done something to upset him, but he couldn’t recall anything that would provoke a reaction like that one.

Although Souta was spending plenty of time with Inoue the past few days, that could be the reason.

No, that made no sense either. They had been somewhat distanced since before, Souta didn’t need to start actively avoiding Nao to make space for Inoue. Besides, Souta wouldn’t ditch a friend for a crush.

Then, what was it?

He decided to try again a days later when he saw Souta and Himura in the hallway. He looked more relaxed than Nao had seen him in a while, so he thought he’d have better luck this time.

He greeted them when he reached their spot, “Hey.”

Souta and Himura kind of froze with the words in their mouths and looked at him. It was the same reaction anyone would have if a stranger inserted themselves into the conversation.

Souta was the first one to break the silence. “… Hi.”

“Hey, Souta, can we talk?”

“Um… Right now? I’ve got… something… to do… But I’ll catch up with you later and we’ll talk then, alright? Okay, bye!”

And he ran down the hallway.

Himura stayed behind.

He didn’t seem inclined to stay there for long, “Later.”

Nao stepped in his way. Himura didn’t look the least bit surprised that he did.

“Why is he avoiding me?”

“What makes you think that he is avoiding you?”

“Don’t play dumb. You saw that!” Nao flung his arm in the same direction Souta left. “You’ve seen it for weeks! Why is he avoiding me?”

Himura breathed in, looked up as though praying to the Heavens, and then finally returned Nao’s stare.

“Even if he were avoiding you, I’d have no right to tell you whatever I knew about that. But, knowing Souta, I know he’d have his reasons to avoid someone. I can’t confirm nor deny though.”

That day, Souta felt… good.

He wouldn’t stretch it any further than that. The past weeks had grown from rough, to bearable, to just… good. Beyond the initial heartbreak, the hurt because Nao didn’t notice that he was avoiding him, and then the guilt over his puzzled stare every time Souta ran away, he found out that he enjoyed keeping himself busy with only his job, his studies, and hanging out with his friends.

Those were the things he could control.

At first, it was painful to realize he had no power over whoever Nao dated, or if he would ever return his feelings, but in the end, that had never been any of his business; that was Nao’s life.

Meanwhile, Souta forgot how good it felt to live for himself.

“You seem different lately,” Keisuke pointed out that morning while they waited for class to start.

Souta smirked and leaned against the wall. “How so?”

“You know what I mean, you just look… different.”

‘Different’ probably meant ‘more mature’ now that he’d let go of a one-sided, pointless crush. Souta was proud of himself for that.

He chose himself. That was big.

Although, there was something—someone—that kept making his life difficult: “Hey.”

He froze when he registered Nao’s voice.

There were plenty of students in the hallway, but Nao had made their way to him and Keisuke.

Souta told himself to act natural. If he had already given up on his feelings for Nao, he shouldn’t affect him so much.

“… Hi,” he said back.

“Hey, Souta, can we talk?”

“Um… Right now? I’ve got… something… to do…” (It was difficult to come up with all these impromptu lies). “But I’ll catch up with you later and we’ll talk then, alright? Okay, bye!”

He bolted towards nowhere in particular; he’d been doing that for weeks like a pathetic loser. (So much for his pride and optimism).

When he thought he’d run far enough, he rounded a corner to catch his breath. He could tell self-deprecation habits die hard because all that he could think was how stupid that reaction was, how he was such an idiot, how he—

“There you are!” Keisuke rounded the same corner and smiled. “I was wondering where you ran away to.”

Souta breathed a dry laugh. “Sorry, I should have warned you. I guess I’m not that different from before.”

“Well, I think you handled it well.”

“C’mon, you’re just saying that to make me feel better.”

“Saying what to make you feel better?” Takeo and Inoue appeared walking towards them.

Keisuke proved himself a better liar than Souta: “I was telling Souta that he looks taller, but he won’t believe me. What do you guys think?”

Takeo studied Souta with a dramatic expression. Furrowed brows and chin on his hand. “Now that you mention it… you do look a bit taller.”

“I think it is that you are walking with your shoulders more squared, Ueshima.”

“You think?” Souta arched an eyebrow. He used his right hand to massage his left shoulder. “I don’t feel like it.”

“Hey, if you got strong shoulders all of a sudden, can you carry me on your back to class?” Takeo asked. “I want to save the strength in my legs for PE today.”

Souta laughed. He really laughed. “That is never going to happen.”

“C’mon, if you’re taller, your legs are longer, too. It’ll take you two steps to carry me to the classroom.”

They started walking, partially to run away from Takeo’s complaints. For the first time in weeks, Souta admitted he felt more than plain, ole ‘good’. He was great.

Nao heard Souta before he saw him come into the classroom. He was with Himura, Takeo, and… Inoue; the four of them laughing.

Something dawned on him before, when Keisuke told him off and acted so protective. All their mutual friends were, in reality, Souta’s friends. Souta was… the bright one.

Chapter Text

More days dragged out. Every minute at school was torture. Meanwhile, at home, it just felt gloomy, and it was all too familiar. In a few weeks, they became strangers again, yet even so, Souta was haunting Nao.

He saw him around school, he heard him laugh and talk… but he wasn’t there, next to Nao.

His resistance reached its limit on the day of the concert. A couple of weeks ago, he’d been looking forward to this day like it was actual Christmas; now, he couldn’t care less.

He was determined not to disappoint Arashi, though. He’ll just talk to Souta, figure things out, and then keep a cool head through the concert to not ruin Arashi’s night. When the bell rang, he was helping one of the teachers carry some papers. He set those aside and skidded his way over the floors to their classroom. His lungs deflated in a deep sigh when he reached the classroom’s doors and saw Souta there. He was on cleaning duty, with a disinfectant bottle in hand and a rag in the other.

He looked… light, like nothing bad had happened or would ever happen.

Nao pulled the doors open. “Hey. Can we talk?”

Souta froze, every one of his muscles tensed when he heard Nao’s voice. And when he raised his eyes, he looked like a deer caught in headlights.

“Oh… Hi. Uh… I’m… You know, I’m pretty busy with this—”

“Why are you avoiding me?”

“Wha… What? What are you talking about?…”

“You tell me.”

“You’re imagining things.”

“I didn’t imagine you lying to me to go out with Inoue the other day.”

All color left Souta’s face, his eyes shone with sharp panic. “You said you didn’t hear us…”

“So, that’s it? That’s what bothers you? You lie to me, but your problem is that I found out?”

“What do you care?” Souta chewed out, defensive. He set aside the cleaning supplies. “Don’t you have plans with Arashi today or something?”

This wasn’t Souta. The Souta that Nao knew would never talk to him like that. He looked different, too. The light from outside the window made his frame seem darker.

“I care about why you are ignoring me! After everything—”

“If you even think about finishing that sentence…” Souta scoffed. “… Well, you’ve got some nerve.”

“What is that supposed to mean?”

“Nothing. I gotta go.”

He reached for his bag and tried to run past Nao towards the doors. The two of them knew it was impossible; Nao was right by the door, but Souta was determined.

Nao caught his arm. “Wait!”

“Don't touch me!”

That was a piercing screech. Nao let go in surprise and fear.

It took him a minute to reconcile that scream, and Souta’s bloodshot, bitter eyes with the person he knew. Souta was always happy, always smiling, but the eyes that usually looked at Nao so affectionately now transmitted nothing but hate.

The two of them stared down at each other until Souta ran and slammed the doors behind himself.

“Souta!” Nao pulled them open again. “Souta, wait!”

“Leave me alone, Nao!” Souta yelled as he rushed to the stairs.

Nao caught up. He ran down the stairs until he was at the bottom, looking at Souta above him and blocking his way.

“No! Not until you tell me what’s going on!”

Tears spilled out of Souta’s eyes. He only wiped them and breathed another scoff.

“Fine. You want me to spell it out for you?” He shrugged and sniffled. “You say that after everything we’ve been through, you are the one who’s hurt now that I’m turning my back on you. How dare you say that when you don’t even feel for me what I feel for you?”

Nao blinked. What?

“Yeah! You wanted to hear me say it? I’ve said it! I love you! I always have, and I’ve always known that you don’t! But I admit it, I can’t handle seeing you two together every day!”

“What are you talking about?”

“Arashi.”

“She’s just a friend!”

Souta sniffled again and laughed without humor. He added in a mumble: “Then it wouldn’t matter which friend got you those tickets?”

“What?”

Souta shook his head. “Forget that. It doesn’t matter… It’s a given that I’d be the one chasing after you, not the other way around… I am the one beneath you, the idiot who is too slow to catch a cold… and I am an idiot for falling for you anyway… There. I’ve said my piece.”

He pushed Nao out of the way to get to the school doors.

Nao stayed behind, immobile, surrounded by the echoes of Souta’s words. He heard the doors open and then slam closed, but… he couldn’t react. When he lost his mother, he felt a harrowing pain that spread to every corner of his body and ate at his soul. He’d prayed that he’d never feel that again, but with these echoes, the smell of Souta’s aftershave, and his lingering heat on Nao’s shoulder… He realized his prayers were unheard.

Still…

He ran back to the classroom, picked up his own bag, and rushed outside. He even left his coat behind.

Souta was nowhere to be found at the entrance, so Nao ran. He ran all the way to Souta’s house through the fresh snow. His parents were there; Souta wasn’t. His parents asked what was going on, why was Nao without a coat and air to breathe, but he managed to convince them he just left his coat at school and needed Souta’s help to get inside to retrieve it.

Then he ran again, all the way to Souta’s job. He wasn’t there either.

He messaged Himura, Takeo, Inoue—No one knew where he was!

Himura: What is going on???

Inoue: Why are you asking so suddenly?

Takeo: Iseya, what the heck!!

His phone pinged with another message.

It was from Arashi.

Hey! Where are you? The concert is in just one hour :)

Nao stared at the screen.

Arashi, please tell me how you got the tickets

Sent.

Reply:

Ueshima gave them to me. He said he won them in a raffle ¯\_( ツ )_/¯

Of course. Souta getting a job only a few months before Nao’s favorite band came to Japan… Souta pulling all those shifts, yet being out of cash at the same time that those expensive tickets showed up…

Nao pinched the bridge of his nose. Of course.

He typed in his phone:

Sorry, Arashi, I won’t be able to make it to the concert. I’ll make it up to you, I swear

He turned off his phone and saved it in his pocket. He had bigger problems than some vain concert, and he figured that if she was really his friend, she would understand when he explained.

Where did Souta go? It seemed he vanished into thin air.

Nao tried to think things through. For starters, Souta would go somewhere he could play soccer—

Soccer!

It was freezing.

Souta kicked the soccer ball one more time. It flew straight into the goal, although his kicks lost momentum a while back. He didn’t care about the snow or about the coat he left behind in the classroom, he just wanted to release his frustrations, and kicking a soccer ball over and over again sounded as good of an idea as any other.

Besides, the school’s soccer field was deserted at that time. Nobody would bother him there.

“Finally!” he heard behind his back. “… I’ve been looking… all over… for…”

He turned around. Nao not only sounded short of breath, he looked like it, too. He was hunched, hands on his wobbling knees, and he was visibly covered in sweat even though he didn’t have a coat either. His skin was sprinkled wet and blue because of the snow.

His breath came in dense puffs. “… Your house… Work… Himura… said…  he didn’t…”

Souta was confused. “Have you been running all over the city?”

Nao recovered enough to answer: “Of course I did!”

That didn’t help his lack of air.

Souta approached and rubbed his shoulders. A share of his warmth filtered through Nao’s clothes.

“Hey, calm down. Breathe. You’re too young to have a heart attack.”

He expected Nao to laugh at his bad joke. He didn’t expect Nao to gather enough strength to pull him into a hug. His arms locked around Souta with all the might he had left in his body. He never knew Nao had such muscles.

His breath tickled Souta’s neck, right on the spot below his ear; it felt as cold as the rest of him.

Souta returned the hug, wrapping his arms around Nao.

“Nao, calm down. I’m fine. I’m not hurt or anything. You don’t have to worry.”

Nao tensed and separated enough to look Souta in the eye.

“I wasn’t going to hurt myself. You don’t have to feel guilty—”

“Guilty?” Nao cut him off yet again; his expression was incredulous and desperate. He gripped Souta’s shoulders and all but shook him. “Souta, why can’t you see that I am in love with you?”

Chapter Text

“What?”

“I mean it!”

“Nao… I…”

He tried to shake off Nao’s hands and grab him to keep him from getting more worked up, but Nao held him too tightly; his fists were like shackles. Souta couldn’t move.

“I’ll prove it!”

“Nao… I… I think you misunderstood. I didn’t mean to pressure you, what I said was—”

He released Souta and started to yell. His hands surrounded his mouth to amplify his voice and let the empty soccer field hear, “I am in love with Ueshima Souta from Class—”

Souta jumped to cover his mouth and nearly knocked them both down.

“Are you crazy?” he hissed. “What if someone hears you?”

Nao’s lips moved beneath his hands: “That’s the idea.”

“Nao, listen to yourself. You’d never do a grand love confession like this.”

“I will if that’s what it takes for you to believe me.”

“Listen, I get it, you’re confused because your guy friend confessed to you, but—”

Nao squirmed and twisted himself to get out of Souta’s grasp as he tried to push his arm away.

Okay, hint taken, Souta wasn’t to dissuade Nao from this tirade he was on.

Still, he wouldn’t risk Nao to embarrass himself—or possibly out himself—so he struggled to keep his mouth covered. It turned into an uncanny combination of tug-of-war and a headlock, with Nao pulling at Souta’s arm and Souta refusing to let go.

Finally, in a last-ditch effort to free himself, Nao tugged harder, and he managed to remove Souta’s hand, but it made the two of them slip out of balance. He held onto Souta as they fell to the snow. They landed with Souta sprawled all over Nao. He could feel his fingers turn blue, too, when he put his hands into the snow to push himself up.

There was snow stuck to his clothes. It dripped from his hair.

He didn’t care.

The tension between them was released in a laugh.

Souta’s laugh rang as a harmonious melody like church bells in the distance… like the cords of Nao’s guitar. He stared without blinking; just the sight of Souta’s smile filled him with a warmth that contrasted with the snow against his bare skin. Souta’s eyes were closed, the corners crinkled from how wide he smiled. Nao had never been drunk, but he could guess that’s what alcohol felt like: a rush so hot, addictive, and oddly comforting as that laughter. His eyes remained fixed on him even when his laugh died down.

When he noticed the position they were in, Souta gasped. “Sorry… I… I should…”

‘… move’. He didn’t.

“I…”

Nao grabbed the collar of his shirt and yanked him closer. Souta’s eyes grew; Nao could see the mingled strings of color in his irises. The steam of their breath brushed each other’s mouths.

But just when Nao leaned forward, Souta put his hand over his lips. Nao was just too touch-starved to care about such a blatant rejection.

Souta’s skin felt tempered and comforting; his cheeks were an ardent peach pink color that complimented his chestnut eyes.

“We…” Souta started, looking everywhere but at Nao. He gulped. “… We should go now… You should get home before you get a cold…”

Nao eyed him for a couple of seconds more to properly mark this memory of Souta in his brain—his eyes, his expression, his touch—until he nodded. Souta lifted himself and offered a hand to pull Nao up.

They walked over to Nao’s house since it was the closest, none of them spoke for a good stretch of the road.

Eventually, Souta turned on his phone… and a string of messages and missed calls popped in.

“Uh… something tells me you know why everybody is asking where in the world I am.” His mouth curved into a wry smile.

Nao looked away. He muttered a nervous laugh, but decided not to admit anything. He’d rather not humiliate himself further, and he figured Souta would find out about all that had happened in short.

He did when they arrived at Nao’s house, when Souta started calling everyone.

“Yes, Takeo, I’m fine.” Pause. “Yes, I’m sure.” Another pause. “How could I be calling you if I had been kidnapped?” Yet another pause. “Well, thanks for believing I could escape a gang of kidnappers, but that’s not what happened… I’ll tell you what actually happened another day, okay?” And then yet another pause. “Okay. Bye.”

Souta hung up. Takeo was the last call.

He turned around and walked over to the couch where Nao sat, sipping a cup of green tea that Souta prepared. He wore a thick blanket over his shoulders. It was warm, not nearly enough after his snowy ordeal. And he looked so ridiculous with it, too. He didn’t look like the kind of person who would keep big, fuzzy, worn-down blankets; yet, here it was. 

“It seems like you got everyone riled up.” He sat down and studied Nao. “You feeling better?”

“Yeah…” Nao let the hot steam from the cup touch his nose. “Thanks again for the tea.”

“No worries.” He turned away from Nao and picked at the couch’s threads with his fingers. “So… about what you said earlier—”

“It’s still true.”

Souta laughed. “I haven’t said anything yet.  But… why do you even like me? You and I have nothing in common.”

“We both like soccer.”

“Right. Except for that.”

“What does that matter anyway? Do you need to have everything in common with the person you love?”

Souta blushed again. “No, but—”

“You still don’t believe me?” Nao looked at Souta’s serious expression and his absent-minded hands.

“It’s not that,” Souta assured him, although he still wouldn’t meet his eyes. “It’s… Why are you telling me this now? Why not before?”

Nao dropped his gaze. “… I don’t know.”

“Were you taking me for granted?”

“No!”

“It kind of feels like you were.”

The two of them stayed quiet for a few more seconds. The room’s warmth crept under Nao’s blanket and clothes, but that only made him more nervous. He put the cup down, afraid that the heat would make him sweat.

“… You…” He tried to push the words through the knot in his throat. “… You no longer have feelings for me?”

Souta didn’t answer for a whole minute. The longest, most torturous minute in Nao’s life.

“… I do,” he said at last. “But I don’t want to be strung along like this.”

“I wasn’t—”

“Then, what do you call this?” Souta finally glanced at him. “I’ve been crushing on you for months now, but you’ve been ditching me for Arashi ever since the school festival, and when I finally give you space to do whatever you want with her… when I decide to move on from you… you say you like me. It’s not fair, Nao. I don’t want to be the kind of person who can be swayed by just words.”

‘I want to stick to the promise I made to myself.’ Of course, he would want that.

Nao was tempted to argue that he only started hanging out with Arashi after Souta told him that he was crushing on Inoue. Then again, what good would that do?

What was the point of putting up a fight?

“You’re right, it isn’t fair,” he whispered. It sounded like defeat, but he wasn’t ready for that. “… Then I’ll wait.”

“What?”

“I’ll wait until you can accept me again.”

“What?” Souta repeated. “Nao, I don’t expect you to try to ‘woo’ me or anything…”

“I want to do it.”

Souta blinked at him. “Nao, seriously, it’s fine. You don’t have to—”

“I want to,” Nao repeated. “I mean it; I want to chase after you, too. I want to show you how much you mean to me, how much I value you. And even if you still don’t want to be with me, at least you’ll know how I truly feel… how I’ve always felt. I am hopelessly in love with you, Souta.”

Souta blushed. And then he flushed all the way to his neck.

He looked down, laughing nervously and fumbling with his hands. “O… Okay.”

Nao laughed, too, relieved. “So, that is how you react to a love confession.”

Souta chuckled under his breath. But then, his eyes widened.

“Oh, my God, the concert!” He checked the time on his phone. “It is today, right?”

Nao laughed again. His eyes sparkled with naked adoration as he looked at Souta.

“Don’t worry, I bailed. Thanks for the tickets, though. I wish we could have gone together.”

The next morning, Souta waited outside the school doors.

“Hey!”

He turned to his left and saw Keisuke jog towards him.

Souta smiled. “Hey.”

Keisuke only waited until he was close enough to ask: “Can you tell me what that was all about yesterday?”

Souta looked down to hide a tiny smile. He felt the blood rush to his cheeks again.

“Hey!”

This time, he turned to his right and saw Nao walking towards them. He looked… lively, more so than before their fight, really. He looked recharged and motivated, and his eyes still had that glow from the day before, when they were at his house and he told Souta—

“Hey.” Souta smiled back.

Nao caught up with them. The three of them walked towards the classroom.

“It seems like you two are talking again,” Keisuke noticed. “What did I miss yesterday?”

Nao and Souta glanced at each other. Nao did his best to hide his smile, but the corner of his mouth pinched his cheek. Souta felt his face was about to set itself on fire.

“We… talked things out,” he said.

Keisuke narrowed his eyes. “Uh-huh…”

A high-pitched scream sliced their light mood: “Iseya Nao!”

Souta and Keisuke flinched. Nao hissed.

Chapter Text

Arashi stood with her hands on her hips and one foot forward, like she dared Nao to defend himself or run away, and even if he ran, she’d chase after him.

He deserved her anger; he owned that, and was decent enough not to try to escape. Still, he felt a deep-seated shame. He was ashamed of standing her up, for being such a bad friend. First, he screwed things up with Souta, and now this.

He truly was such a jerk.

“Well?” she pressed. “Aren’t you going to say anything?”

They were alone on the stairs at the back of the school. Nao had promised to explain after she screamed his name in the hallway filled with students, but only if they spoke in private. He looked at Souta when they were leaving for the staircase and wondered what he’d be thinking then. He’d told Nao that he couldn’t bear it to see him and Arashi together.

“Iseya!” Arashi stomped her feet. (So, she wasn’t calling him by his first name anymore).

“I’m sorry.” Nao tried to make his voice as soft as possible. “I’m really sorry for not going to the concert like I promised. Something came up and I—”

“I can’t believe you!” Arashi paced in one place. “I thought you were actually cool! I thought you liked me!”

“What?” he squawked.

That came out wrong. He immediately covered his mouth.

Arashi froze. Her arms tensed and her hands clenched into fists.

“What’s that reaction?” she inquired.

“No! I’m sorry about that, too. I didn’t mean it like that!”

“It seems to me that you have trouble matching your words with your actions.”

That left Nao speechless.

“I seriously can’t believe you!” Her feet moved from one side to the other again. “I’ve done everything and anything for you to notice me, and this is what I get? If you didn’t like me back, you could have just said so! I can take it! I don’t need some guy that’s full of himself to lead me on for weeks!”

“Arashi, it was never my intention to do that. I didn’t know you felt that way about me.”

She stopped and shot him an incredulous look; it was obvious that she didn’t believe a word that he said. “Oh, cut the crap! I get it, I’m clingy! I’m too much! I’ve been told that before, but I’m not frail! You don’t have to protect my feelings!”

“Arashi, you’re not listening to me!”

“No, you listen to me!” she retorted. “The only way you wouldn’t notice that I like you is if your head was physically up your butt, so don’t insult my intelligence—”

“Arashi, I’m gay!”

The silence that followed was deafening. It boomed in their ears, around them. Arashi froze once more. Her finger kept pointing at Nao while her green eyes stared blankly at his face. She looked like her very soul had left her body at that exact second, and she turned into an empty carcass.

Then she blinked. Once, twice.

She gradually recoiled. “What?...”

“It’s true, okay?” Nao insisted. “I’m gay.”

She blinked once more. Her hands had returned to become fists, so she probably wasn’t ready to give up this self-imposed battle. “You… You’re not messing with me?... You’re actually gay?...”

“No, I’m not messing with you. Yes, I’m actually gay.”

He’d known he was gay for a long time, but this was the first time he said it so loud and freely, and so many times in a row. Still, it felt so natural.

“Oh.”

“Yeah, ‘oh’.” Nao rolled his eyes. He didn’t mean to, didn’t want to provoke another misunderstanding that’d prompt Arashi into another rant, yet the logical part of his brain shut down. He was so tired! “I don’t know how the ‘gay vibe’ looks, but I obviously don’t have it in me, and that’s been giving me nothing but trouble! I never meant to lead you on, it was never my intention to make you believe I was, I was just… Just… I’m not good at these things! I’ve never been! And now everybody is mad at me! I ruined everything because I’m that much socially awkward!”

“Well, no more than I am.”

Arashi released all the tension. Her fighting stance fell in one puff.

“I mean…” she continued. Her now free hands fidgeted with each other. “Looking back… Is… I’m just saying… Is there any chance you’re crushing on Ueshima Souta from your class?”

This conversation was going into a dangerous, dangerous territory.

Nao couldn’t out Souta. He tried to dissuade her, but Arashi interrupted him again.

“No, it’s just… I heard how close you were, you told me, and you… You always look so at ease when he is around. Even the day I gave you those tickets, he was that person you wanted to invite, right? You were looking at him in the classroom. I should have connected the dots.”

“Yes, I like Souta.” He passed his fingers through his hair. “And if you want to tell anyone, go ahead. I don’t care. I can take whatever they have to say about me.”

“No!” Arashi’s hand extended forward, then stopped before she could reach him. “I don’t mean it like that, I’m…” She covered her flushed face and groaned. “Ugh! I’m just so angry at myself! I glued myself to you from day one, and still couldn’t tell you actually liked someone else all along. Way to not take a hint, right?...” She stepped back this time and leaned with her back against the wall. “I’m sorry, Iseya.”

Nao followed and copied her posture, crossing his arms over his chest. “It’s fine. If anything, I’m sorry I didn’t clear things up sooner.”

“That’s not your fault, either,” she assured him. Then, she abruptly turned to him. “Does Ueshima know about your feelings?”

Nao shrugged. “I told him yesterday.”

“You mean…” Her eyes widened in understanding. “Oooooooh! Now that makes sense. That’s so romantic! What did he say?”

“Not much.”

“Oh.” Arashi looked down. “I guess neither of us has romantic luck.”

“I guess not.” He glanced at her. “You aren’t mad at me?”

She shook her head, her pigtails waved delicately. “Nah… Not anymore.”

“You don’t think I’m weird?”

“Why would I?”

“I’m gay.”

“What does one have to do with the other?”

He chuckled. “I don’t know.”

She unglued herself from the wall and bowed to him in apology. “I’m sorry if I pressured you into coming out just now. That wasn’t my intention either.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

“And I know I look too naïve in matters of love now… You know, with all of this… I got too excited with having a movie-like romance with a cute guitarist and got carried away… but if there’s any way that I can help you get together with Ueshima, I’ll love to!”

She smiled, and he smiled back.

“You mean we’re still friends?”

“Of course!... If you still want to be friends.”

“Of course… And… You can keep calling me ‘Nao’?”

She smiled wider. “Sure, Nao!”