Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“Are you sure it looks okay? I wasn’t planning on having it up.” 

Nodding, she gives me a reassuring smile and reaches down to squeeze my shoulders tightly. “Trust me, I had the same trouble with my veil on my wedding day. But it’ll hold better if you have your hair up. Besides, you can see your beautiful face so much easier this way.”

I chuckle, placing a hand on hers as it rests on my shoulder. “You have to say that. You’re my mam.”

Leaning down, my mother places her face next to mine and looks at me through the mirror. People always told me how much I looked like her as I’d gotten older, and while I had always thought so too, seeing our faces side by side really drove that point home. 

“Yes, but I believe it. You look like a dream, Lidia.”

I bite my lip, the nerves uncontrollable. “D’you think so? Do you think he’ll like my dress?” I had never before worried about what a man thought of my appearance or what I wore, but my nerves in relation to today had instilled a unique sense of longing for him to be part of every minor and major decision I faced. I wanted him to be part of everything. Every little part of me I wanted to intertwine with him.

She hums. “I think so long as you meet him at the altar, he won’t care what you wear, darling. He proposed to you, not to a dress…no matter how gorgeous.”

I meet her eyes and my nerves calm. They’re still there, but they’re manageable. I was only about to marry the love of my life. No big deal. “It’s quite gorgeous, isn’t it?”

She laughs and leans down to wrap her arms around me. “It’s stunning- you’re stunning. How are you feeling?”

I nod, unable to contain the smile on my pink lips. “Good. Excited. Happy.”

“Ah, my baby. This is all I’ve ever wanted for you. A happy and peaceful life- with somebody that lifts you up and makes it even better. But don’t forget that it’s your inner strength and your love that got you here. And it’s because you found something even more beautiful with Andrew that you’re about to grow that even more. I’m so proud of you, Liddybug.”

My eyes well up, her warm love spreading through my chest. A small ache grows in the centre of it all, for a reason I couldn’t quite place. I could feel her wrapped around me. Where was this feeling of absence coming from? She was right here with me. 

I grip her hands tightly in mine. “I love you, mammy.”

“I love you too, my darling.”

Soft lips on the back of my neck wake me up, followed by his peaceful breath as he holds me tightly in his arms. He’s still asleep, but I can tell by the pace of his exhales that he’s slowly coming to consciousness. 

I stare at the wall across the room as I sit in the hangover of my dream, bittersweet as I recall a fictional version of one of the most important days of my life. Our wedding day. In reality my mother was not present, but she had been present many times in my dreams. It’s okay, because I still feel her every day. She was there, and she was proud of us, I know it. 

I pull my left hand out from beneath the covers and stare at the thin wedding band that sat below my engagement ring. I had grown used to wearing both of them, even though it had only been six months since he gave me my engagement ring and three months since we added our wedding bands. 

We’d gotten married just short of a year together at a small hall up in Sligo near my father. Neither of us were keen on a big extravagant affair, instead opting to invite close friends and family up for the weekend, where we celebrated our vows together and held a private party on my father’s property. No social media posts were to be made, no pictures shared without our consent. We’d kept it between our nearest and dearest, and miraculously we had remained in our bubble ever since. We’d had a small honeymoon to Spain for a week before coming back to our normal lives. Andrew was taking it easy this year with minimal commitments and zero touring, only a handful of shows and festivals scattered throughout. His main focus was the extended version of his last album, something I’d thought he’d already done but turns out there were more tracks to be shared and an ‘unending’ version to be released. At most it required a few social media posts, otherwise he was a free agent. 

I, on the other hand, was keeping steady with work but making the effort to avoid working weekends so that we could spend more time together, something we had decided we would both do this year in order to focus on our relationship. He wasn’t putting pressure on me to take a break from work which I appreciated, as it was turning out to be a pretty busy year for Julien and I. 

We had worked out a plan that meant I could keep up with the workload while also taking the time to focus on my marriage (still a word I was getting used to), so that I could intentionally contribute to the two most important areas in my life. I wasn’t taking myself out of the game completely, just acknowledging that I needed to focus on both and that was okay. 

Knowing I had Julien’s support made me all the more confident and valid in making that decision. 

One way of putting focus on our relationship was mid-week to weekend stays during quiet moments in the schedule. A few weeks ago Andrew had booked a chalet in the English countryside, not too dissimilar to the chalets we had stayed in in Oxford, many moons ago. It was warm and sunshiney and we were making the most of this gorgeous weather with picnics and walks and late breakfasts on the back patio; an absolute dream to share alongside my lover. 

Something the chalet also included, was a large, plush, decadent bed with the most comfortable bedding to embrace us. 

That is where we currently found ourselves buried, just after nine am on a Thursday morning.

A happy and peaceful life indeed. 

I know he’s awake once his lips start nipping at the back of my neck and his arms move down my body to wrap themselves around my waist. A small smile tugs at my lips as the goosebumps form on my own arms, indicating that I too was very much awake with him.

“Mornin’,” he murmurs, his voice raspy as it meets the new day, “you smell good.”

“It’s that hair treatment I was telling ye about,” I chuckle as I close my eyes, reaching behind me to slide my hand into his curly tresses, “I’ll book you in with Sebastien when we’re back in Dublin.”

“Mm…I love it when my wife books appointments for me.” Andrew mumbles into my neck. 

I laugh and let him roll me onto my back. Eventually I opened my eyes, warmly welcomed by the sight of my husband looking down at me with his own tired eyes. Just over a year together and we had already tied the knot. While it looked fast on the outside, it felt peaceful, slow and entirely intentional on the inside, between the two of us. That was why I had gone through with it. I’d found a peace in him I hadn’t before, and I know I had found it because he had created it inside of me in return. Now, it felt like the most important thing to protect.

Andrew slides his hand onto my cheek, allowing his thumb to trace my jaw as he eyes my lips. Moments later he kisses me for the first time that morning, slowly waking me up and making me one with the world again. 

I place my hand over his, feeling the cool metal of his wedding band. His ring had excited me as much as my own had; a thick gold band engraved with flowers. But not just any flowers, no, my birth flowers . Apparently he had worked closely with Zara to provide the best references to the engraver after choosing his ring, and when he showed me for the first time, I was so moved by it. The flowers weren’t hidden on the inside of the ring, they were wrapped around the outside and while subtle in appearance they were deep in their meaning. The date of our wedding day was engraved on the inside, the way I had had the date stitched into my veil with light blue thread. Something blue . 

It hadn’t been a very traditional wedding, nor was it tied to religion. But he had worn a suit and I a white dress, and we had exchanged our vows in front of our loved ones and a celebrant, and there had been cake and flowers and lots of dancing into the early hours of the morning. It was a perfect day, and very much us. 

It was surreal, in fact. We were married. He was my husband. I was a wife. His wife. 

I hadn’t changed my name, though I was now officially Mrs Lidia O’Keane. But as far as the world knew, Andrew remained tight-lipped and private about that side of his life, and nobody suspected a thing. We were happy and well protected in our bubble. Three months and counting, and I was the happiest I had been in a long time. 

“What are we doing today?” I ask softly, kissing his chest. 

“Well, I have to go into town shortly,” Andrew hums, reminding me, “into London. I’ve got to shoot that promo video for the new version of the album. No press, though. Just a- what is it called, a reel? Or it’s going on TikTok, I don’t feckin’ know.” He mumbles to himself. 

I chuckle. “They’ll likely edit it and post it on both.” 

“Do I get points for knowing what a reel is?”

“You do, well done, old man.”

“Did ye want to come with me? It might be a bit boring for you, but you’re welcome to. My team at the label will be excited to meet you.” Andrew suggests. 

A pout tugs at my lips. “I would…but…”

“But you can’t be fecked with the train journey. I get it,” he laughs, kissing my forehead, “it’s fine. I won’t be too long.” 

“Sorry,” I chuckle, burying my head in his chest, “I’ve got some editing to do that I could get done while you’re out. But I’ll make you dinner.”

“Ah, finally. A wife in the kitchen.”

“You have a ‘wife’ kink. I’m convinced.”

“I’m not denying the allegations. It turns me on to say the ‘w’ word.”

I let out a laugh, shaking my head. “Marriage has really changed you, man.” 

“Aye, don’t tell anyone. I’m Lidia’s husband first, Andrew second.” 

I nod firmly, looking up at him. “As you should be. As you’ve always been. Amen.” 

He laughs and kisses me lazily before sighing. The quiet settles over us and it’s then that I feel his next question hanging in the air prematurely. 

“You have the dream again?” He asks softly. 

I bite my lip and nod, becoming transfixed on the hair that sprouted over the top of the neckline of his t-shirt. 

“She was doing my hair.” 

“I bet it looked gorgeous.” 

“Mm. Looked like hers.” 

“Ye did look gorgeous that day.” 

“You looked very handsome.” I counter as I think back to seeing him waiting for me at the end of the small altar, surrounded by Zara’s floral arrangements. 

“Ye don’t think I should have worn my hair out?” He asks curiously. I wondered if he had somehow managed to climb inside my dreams, watching from the doorway. 

“I liked it pulled back. But I would have liked it either way.” 

“So you didn’t marry me for my hair?” 

I chuckle and reach up to touch his chin. “I can’t believe I married you. And you married me. We got married , Andy.” I don’t know that it would ever sink in. 

He sighs happily. “Best thing we ever did.” 

“Craziest thing we ever did.” I corrected him. 

“Very. I still remember the look on me mam’s face when we told them.” Andrew chuckles, wincing slightly. “It took them a minute to understand. Your da was on board a lot quicker.” 

“I think loss gives you a slightly different perspective on these sorts of things. I know it did for me when we got back together. After our little fight, like.” 

He kisses my forehead. “Let’s not speak on that.” 

“We can talk about it,” I chuckle, combing his hair out of his face, “look at us now.” 

He rolls his eyes playfully before tightening his grip on me. “Look at us now, Mrs Byrne.” 

“Mrs O’Keane .”  

“Is it weird that I kind of like that you did that?” He murmurs quietly. “Didn’t change your name, I mean. I like your independence. I like that we choose to come together every day, that we won’t fall into the obligation of marriage. I mean, I feel like I’m choosing you every day.”

I nod, eyeing his features as he lays deep in thought. “I like it too. It’s very us.”

“This just…makes sense for us.”

“It’s like… destiny.” I tease lightly, poking him in the chest to bring him out of his head.

“Yeah, yeah. I’ll shut up now. I sound like a wanker.” He laughs. “Oh well. I’m a happy one.” 

Biting my lip, I look at him affectionately. “Yeah?” 

Offering a small smile, Andrew nods. “I’m so happy, Dia.” 

Shifting my weight onto my knees, I climb onto his waist and look down at him, pressing my hands to his stomach and sliding them under the hem of his t-shirt. Somehow over the last few months I’d managed to coax him into doing some pilates and yoga sessions with me on my living room floor after dragging him on a run. He still refused to go to a real class with me, but after a few complaints of a stiff back, he’d agreed to try it out and had become my submissive little protege once his pain had started to relieve itself. As a result, he’d slimmed down and toned up, and while I found a sense of comfort and familiarity in his softer form, feeling his strengthened core under my fingers was also a welcome feeling. 

Also, to know it was because he was doing yoga with me? Hot. 

“Do you really have to go into London today?” I pout, running my hands up and down his slender abdomen and subsequently pushing his t-shirt up over his chiseled pecs. 

“Mmhmm. Nothing you do in this bed will get me out of it today, I’m afraid.” He chuckles, sliding his hands over my thighs. 

“Are ye sure? What if I tell Caroline you have some…marital duties to tend to?”

Andrew lets out a laugh. “I’m pretty sure she’ll figure out what that’s code for, Dia.”

I roll my eyes and lean down, pressing my chest to his. “Ye sure?”

”Lidia…” he warns, sliding his hands to my waist, “don’t tease me…”

“Fine.” I sigh dramatically, falling down beside him. He wraps an arm around my shoulders and pulls me into his side. 

“I’ll be home with you soon, yeah?” 

I press my lips to his side. “I’ll be keeping the bed warm.”

“No place I’d rather be, darlin’.” 

A

“How’s that, are you happy with that?”

I nod as I look over Rachel’s shoulder. “Yeah, looks fine to me. Thanks Rach.”

She looks up from her camera and smiles. “No worries. I’ll send you the clipped version for posting and we’ll go live at the same time. If you have any concerns just let me know.”

“All good. I think I covered everything. Release date. The two variations. That’s it, yeah?” I hum as I flick through the mental list in my head.

Rachel nods. “You’re a pro at this now, Andrew.”

I let out a laugh as I unclip the little fuzzy mic from my shirt and hand it to her, thankful to have a social media assistant as part of the team. “I’m a puppet when it comes to the socials stuff nowadays. Thanks for filming it.”

“How did we go? All good?” Caroline asks as she walks into the room, sliding her phone away. 

“All good,” I nod, turning to her and greeting her with a hug, “good to see ye.”

“You too, love.” She hums, before looking around the office we’d taken over to shoot the video. Usually the copy would be sent to me and I’d film it wherever I was on tour or if I was home in Ireland Ruth would pop by to film and edit the clip, but seeing as I was in England and we had a deadline, coming into the label offices made the most sense. That and the fact that we had a label meeting right after that Caroline had so expertly squeezed in while I was already here. I didn’t really mind as it had been a while since I’d seen the folks in this division of the label and it was good for me to show my face every now and again. 

“You’re looking well,” Caroline nods, eyeing me up and down, “nice and healthy. No wife today?”

Above all, Caroline was supportive of Lidia and I. Did she think we’d rushed into it? Maybe. Could I pick up on that? Yes. Absolutely. But she was respectful enough that after our initial conversation about our decision to get married, she supported me however I needed when it came to keeping mine and Lidia’s relationship private. And she had done an excellent job at it. Knowing I was protecting our little bubble made me feel like I was doing something right in my promise to protect Lidia. 

“No. No wife. She’s out in the countryside. Didn’t want to come into the city.” I chuckle, wanting nothing more than to join her. I still couldn’t get used to saying it to other people. Wife. Man, she was my wife.

“I thought these little trips were about spending every minute together,” Caroline muses quietly, looking away, “but, oh well. As long as you’re well.”

“Yes, thank you,” I nod, sending her a look, “we’re well.”

“Good!” She beams, taking the hint and moving on. “Now, the label’s going to pitch a couple shows, just so you’re aware. There’s no commitment to anything yet, but there’s a pretty big festival in Wales coming up that I think would be a great opportunity.”

I wince, rubbing my jaw. “Caroline…”

“I know, I know. You want to take the year off.”

“I mean, that was the deal. I need some time with Lidia. It’s important to me that we spend proper time together this year. I don’t want to be travelling all over the place when I should be at home focusing on our marriage.” I stress, lowering my voice as we leave the office to make our way toward the conference room.

“We’re not talking about tours, we’re talking about festivals. And like I said, there’s no obligation to say yes. But , you are releasing another version of the album. You know more than anyone that it helps to promote those newer songs.” She hums knowingly with her years of wisdom behind her. “Besides, hasn’t Lidia always wanted to visit Wales?” She teases.

I let out a laugh. “Aye, it’s her dream holiday destination.”

We come to a stop outside the conference room, paused by Caroline’s hand on my arm. 

“I’m just saying hun, that marriage does require work, you’re right, especially in that first year. But what also matters is that you find your groove independently- that’s how they last the long run. If you really don’t want to do any shows this year, nobody is forcing you to. But you will go back on tour eventually, and it’s important that you know you can handle that time apart and that you have a system in place to get you through it. Because she may have said yes to the run of shows the last time, but you and I both know you won’t see her out on tour for that long in the future with how busy her own career is.”

I chewed my lip, knowing she was right. There was a reason Caroline and I had been together for so long. 

“Unless, of course, you give me and your ma grandchildren.”

I scowl. “Don’t you start.”

“What? That way she’d have to visit you on tour.” Caroline smirks, shooting me a wink before she waves to the door of the conference room. 

“I knew my mam was gonna put you up to this.”

A Week Later

L

Dragging myself out of bed each morning proves to be harder as a married woman than a single one. More so because there were more mornings where he was wrapped up beneath the covers with me. Admittedly it wasn’t every morning, because we still had both my flat and his house. Despite getting married, moving in together had worked out to be logistically inefficient given that my career demanded the shorter commute into the city from my flat. 

It also made no sense for Andrew to give up his beautiful home to move into my flat with me, nor did either of us want him to give up the home we both saw ourselves settling in. Instead, we lived between both places and sometimes that meant spending the night apart depending on our schedules, and that was something we’d grown used to. We were still independent people and while I would prefer to spend every night with him, I knew that this was the reality we had to live for a few years. 

And I didn’t mind. It helped when we needed space, and it helped when I needed to focus on the work. 

But this morning, focusing on the work was the last thing I wanted to do. I manage to sneak out of bed to make things easier for myself before quietly making my way into the kitchen to wake up the coffee machine. While I wait, I head to the bathroom to have a quick shower, intentional about the limited time I have this morning before work. 

As it turns out, Andrew is also very intentional with his time and two minutes after I turn the water on, I hear clothes hit the floor followed by the shower curtain being pulled back. Hands slide around my waist and lips kiss the back of my shoulder as I feel his bare form press against mine under the warm water. I reach up behind me, sliding my hands into his hair and pull him directly under the shower head. His teeth dig into my skin and I shiver, knowing what is coming next. Turning me in his hands, he pushes me against the cold tiled wall and attaches his mouth to the side of my neck, sliding one hand down between my legs. I have to grab his wrist before he touches me, pulling a stubborn growl from him.

“Let me.” He mutters into my skin. 

“I literally don’t have the time.” I moan as he nips at me with his teeth. A shiver of goosebumps appeared down my spine almost instantly.

“Yes you do.”

“No I don’t. I already don’t have time to eat before I leave.” I pant as his hand breaks free from my hold and squeezes my hip in request to travel further. I squeeze my eyes shut, biting my lip. Don’t give in. Ignore the screaming of your body as it tries to fight every being that’s telling you no. 

“I’ll cook you breakfast while you get ready. Marital duties and that.” He hisses. 

“Andy.” I warn as his fingers start to move south again. 

“Dia.”

“Andrew.”

“Mrs Byrne.”

Well. I tried. 

I arrived at the studio twenty minutes late. Despite this, I try to make up for it with a round of coffees and muffins for Julien and I to soften the blow of being late to work on my first day back after my week off. While I was technically one half of my own boss, Julien and I had specifically said we’d get in early today to get a head start on the schedule for the next month that was very quickly turning out to be jam packed. 

Knowing that coffee is the way to his heart and into his metaphorical jeans, I don’t suspect he’ll be too annoyed at me, but when I walk in, the state of him was definitely not what I was expecting. 

He looks up from behind his computer, his face overwhelmed with an unnerving sense of hesitation and dread. 

“Hi! I missed you!” I exclaim quickly, perhaps an attempt at side stepping whatever has contributed to the tension in the room.

Julien stands abruptly and walks over to me, nodding and taking his coffee from my hands. Unfortunately I didn’t have time to go downstairs and see Matt due to how… late Andrew had made me, so had to settle for subpar drive through coffee instead.

I tried to resist him in the shower, but there was something about the way that when he touched me and I could feel his wedding band that unlocked something deeply biblical inside of me.

I didn’t believe that those who said intimacy is so much better when you’re married because I’ve always believed it’s about the person and not the status of your relationship but something about knowing we were the way we were because we had chosen to commit to one another in such a big and loving way made the physical connection feel so much deeper. 

I really felt like I was floating with him. The love I felt was immense. Not only for him, but for life itself. I know. These feelings had surprised me too. 

“Yes, I missed you too. How are you? Alright?” Julien murmurs over the lid of his coffee, bringing me back out of my mind. He’s distracted and disengaged, his mind travelling a thousand miles a minute as he attempts small talk.

“Yeah, I’m grand. How are you? How’s Elle?” I hum, wondering if he was going to spill or if I would have to drag it out of him. The look on his face told me that this was no time for our usual banter. 

He nods. “She’s well. Andrew?”

“Jules enough, what’s going on? You seem…”

He winces before leaning in. “Have you been online?”

I frown. Online?  

“We have…we have a problem.”

“What kind of problem?”

“Ehm…have you checked your social media?”

——

@hozier

@hozifan: waittttt did hozier get married? Is anyone else seeing the wedding band on the unending vid?

@andrewsinferno: to who???

@tay5285: I’ll tag you -girl he wrote In A Week with

——

@lidiaokeane

@seasonofthebees: congrats on marrying Andrew! I knew you had chemistry after seeing you in Liverpool last year!

@icarusfanclub: I didn’t even know they were dating?? 

@tay5285: they dated in college but idk if they’ve been together the whole time 

@putmebackinit: girl they haven’t been lol

@andrewshrike: whatttt who gets married that quick 

@littleghost4: smells like a shotgun wedding to me lol 🤰🏻

@andrewsshrike: give it six months lol 

@putmebackinit: lol give it three. Hopefully you can still get an annulment in three months 😂 everyone makes mistakes!

@andrewsshrike: hope he got a prenup bc miss girl won’t keep him interested for long 👀

Chapter Text

“So if you purchase the companion version of the album you don’t need to go and buy the whole album again- “

“Pause- there.” Julien mumbles over my shoulder as I stare down at my phone held tightly in my hands.

I tap the screen and wince. There it was. Sitting proudly on his left ring finger, his wedding band. He must have forgotten to take it off when he went into London to film the promo for the new version of the album. 

It’s not that we were actively hiding our marriage…but we weren’t not hiding it. Julien sits back in his chair beside me. Since he’d told me to check my socials and more specifically Hozier’s , I hadn’t been able to move from my own chair, eyes locked on my phone. 

“You also posted a photo from the Levi’s event last month and you can see your ring in the photo,” Julien hums, “and in a photo of you and me that I posted earlier this week. I’m so sorry, I completely forgot to check.”

I fixate on flicking through the comments that were already forming under the video. Only a handful were actually about the album- majority were about his wedding band. 

“Looks like we all forgot,” I murmur, flicking back to my account to see the conversations that were going on under my most recent posts as though I wouldn’t see them, “how did they even put it together so quickly?”

“Well people knew you were together, right? They’ve seen you about, speculated since the live shows. All it takes is one look to see if you’re wearing a ring.” Julien mumbles as he reaches over and places a hand on my back in support. 

“I can’t believe he forgot. The last promo he shot he took it off. It’s how we’ve been able to keep it private, at least until we decided we wanted to mention it.” I stress, running a hand through my hair as I throw my phone down. I’d had enough of the catty remarks about shotgun weddings and the ‘who even is she’ comments that were being left on my posts. 

“I only saw it because we’ve had an influx of queries come through our business inbox again. Like, a lot.” Julien winces. 

My eyes widen and I reach for my mouse on my desk but he knocks my hand away just as quickly. 

“I’ve already deleted them. I don’t want you going through that shit.” Julien states firmly before reaching for his coffee. 

“Jules- “

“No. It’s more of the same as what’s come through social media. Look, maybe it’ll blow over in a couple days. I’m sure his team has already jumped on it. Do you want to call him?” 

I shake my head as I pick my phone up again and go back to Andrew’s profile. I scroll through the growing comment section on the video in question. How could he have forgotten? How could I have forgotten? We had been so careful and it had only been three months. 

After reading through enough mixed comments, I throw my phone down a third time and sit back in my chair. “Andrew’s out on a trail hike with his friends this morning. He’s got work calls in the afternoon- I don’t have time to call him. I won’t see him until I get back to the flat. Maybe he doesn’t know yet. Maybe they just won’t tell him.” I try, knowing fully well they would absolutely tell him if he hadn’t already seen it himself. He might not be as present on social media as he used to be, but he was on it. 

“If we know, then his team knows, Lid. Besides, on the slim chance he doesn’t know, you will tell him. He needs to know what’s going on.”

That’s the last thing I wanted to do. 

I pick my phone up yet again, unable to look away. “I have three thousand new followers.” 

Julien leans over my shoulder. “I don’t suppose they’re all interested clients?”

“No. They’re all demons with pitchforks and no sense of privacy.” I mumble. 

“I’m sorry, baby. I know you were trying to avoid this.” Julien sighs, squeezing my hand that wasn’t wrapped around my phone. 

“It’s just…been so nice…keeping it to ourselves.” I say quietly, my heart growing heavy with the obvious contempt being thrown my way. And for what? For falling in love? Following my heart? Taking a chance on the man that made me happy? We had been through so much to get to this point that doing something for us that was about us , felt like such a victory. We were building a life together, sharing a home (or two) and looking toward our future. Why was I suddenly being called names and having my integrity questioned?

“Look,” Julien starts, sitting up straight and taking stock of the situation, “let’s not freak out. Yes, it’s not ideal. But remember when this happened when people suspected you were dating? Eventually they wore off. We might just have an uncomfortable few weeks ahead of us, but we’ll get through it. Don’t let them ruin this for you.” 

I put my phone down as the gross anxiety from the messages starts to settle inside of me. I know he was right, but I didn’t know how I was going to get through the next few weeks without defending myself or Andrew online. It wasn’t in my nature to simply ignore something like this. I was protective of my private life and had never had it talked about online. So badly I wanted to say something. 

But responding to them was only going to make it worse. 

“I just don’t know why it’s such a big deal. Why are they so horrible?” I murmur quietly, fidgeting with my rings, more specifically his silver ring he gave to me last Christmas. Despite what was ahead of us, part of me just wanted to go back to the innocence of our early twenties when we had the freedom and privacy to love as freely as we wanted. 

“Because they’re jealous. And this internet generation doesn't understand what is and isn’t appropriate.” Julien murmurs, pulling me in for a hug. “It’s alright, Lid. I’m here for you- you won’t go through this alone. And Andrew is here for you. Your husband. Who you deserve to enjoy this time with. So please don’t let it get inside your head.”

“I’m not.” I lie into his arms. 

Julien pulls back and looks at me disbelievingly. “I know you, Lid. You once lost sleep over a mean email from an unhappy client.” 

“I tried really hard on that campaign! And she was getting personal!” 

“And some people are too hard to please. And that’s none of our business. So don’t make it your business.”

I sigh, knowing that ultimately, he’s right. The last time I had let an external opinion get to me it had almost crippled me. I don’t often get so affected because I spent a lot of time after Paris working on my inner worth, self value and confidence during my healing. Generally I felt I was a pretty well-rounded and self-assured person. But the moment something got between my bones it could really throw me through a loop. It took a real effort to stay away from my triggers because I, like anybody, would want to know what was being said.

But Julien was right. I deserved to enjoy where I was in my life. I had done nothing wrong, and I deserved to be happy. It had taken a lot for me to lean into everything Andrew and I built for ourselves and I wasn’t going to give in so easily because of an initial wave of shock surrounding our personal news.

Except it was never meant to be news.

By the time I get home, my brain is fried. Julien had to lock my phone in his desk drawer after an hour of non-stop checking my social media which was interrupting our productivity as we looked ahead to plan the next two months of work. 

Ultimately we achieved what was needed and at least on the work front I knew what was required from me in the weeks ahead. We were busy. So busy that when we weren’t in the studio, it was being rented out for use and still generating a healthy income. Our studio assistant Teagan was more or less full time and we had a waiting list of clients wanting to book. They had accumulated before today’s news, so I didn’t bother down the mental spiral of whether or not my work was because of my own talent. 

Unlocking my front door, I expect Andrew to be in the shower or cooking dinner but instead I find him pacing my small kitchen on the phone in his socks. He hadn’t changed out of his track pants and hoodie that he’d gone hiking in and I wondered if he’d taken all his meeting calls like that. Knowing him, he absolutely had. 

“Yeah, I want to start limiting the comment sections. It’s all anyone’s talking about. Yeah- “ he pauses when he sees me, and it’s in that moment that I know he knows. He reads the look on my face and his expression softens. 

‘I’m sorry,’ he mouths, as though any of this is his fault. He extends an arm to me, waving me to him. “They’re on hers as well. How do I turn off my DMs? Can I do that? I don’t want to split the inbox, I just want it gone. All of them.”

I walk over to him and he wraps his arm around my frame, pulling me into his chest and kissing the top of my head. 

“Okay, thanks Rachel. Yeah…no it’s okay. I guess we’ll just monitor it. I’ll talk to her tonight and give you a call tomorrow. Okay. Okay thanks, bye.” Andrew finally hangs up before sliding his phone into his pocket and wrapping his other arm around me. “I’m so so sorry, Dia. I can’t believe I overlooked something like that.”

“People know now. Like… a lot of people.” I whisper, burying my face into his chest. 

“I know.”

“And my social media- “

“I know. I’m so sorry.” The guilt is heavy in his voice, to the point where he sounds broken beneath it. I feel bad that he takes the blame on his own as though he could have stopped this, when we both know there was no controlling what happens once our privacy is no longer our own. 

“It’s not your fault. I’m just…sad.” I admit quietly. 

Andrew buries his face into my shoulder, his exhale overtaking the both of us. I could feel it in him too and I felt guilt over not being able to brush it off and assure him that this was fine. We would find a way through. It would be okay.

Because I knew it had to be okay, but I just couldn’t see past it right now. 

“Yeah?” He hums quietly.

“Because it’s not just ours.” 

Andrew kisses my forehead and nods. “It will always be ours, Dia. I’ll make sure of that. This is still ours and nobody is going to ruin this for us. We might just have to get through a few uncomfortable weeks of public opinion. But if we stay off socials, we’ll avoid it.” 

My job required me to be somewhat active on my socials in order to post work done with clients so it wasn’t entirely possible for me to stay completely offline, but I was aware of the effort he was trying to put in to protect me and I didn’t want him to suffer as much as I felt was already inevitable. 

“I need you to really try, Lidia,” Andrew murmurs, catching my attention with my full name, “I know you, and I know you’ll spiral if you don’t look after yourself- if you don’t let me look after you through this.”

I hesitate. “I won’t spiral- “

“You will, because you’re protective and you’ll obsess over this. Please darlin’, I need you to trust me.” He pleads softly. “I don’t want to lose you to this.”

My eyes flicker up to his, panicked. I cup his face between my hands and shake my head, the slither of concern in his eyes making me feel sick. I force my spine to straighten as I stand in front of him. Pull yourself together. He’s going to face a lot more of this than you are. It’s your job to support him now. “You’re not going to- I’m not going anywhere, Andy. We didn’t come this far to let something like this break us.”

“We didn’t, and I’m not going to let it. But I need you to trust me on this.”

I bite my lip and nod. “I trust you.”

I trust your intentions, but I don’t trust that you have any control over this. Neither of us do. 

“Besides, I’m not that important.”

A sad laugh escapes my lips as I kiss him on the mouth. “You’re the most important- you’re one of the most important people in my life.” 

“ One- “

“I’m a daddy’s girl, I’m sorry,” I chuckle before pulling back to wipe my eyes, “but you’re up there.”

Andrew wipes the tears from my cheeks with his thumbs. “It’ll blow over, darlin’. We’ll be okay. This is our year- it’s our life , and I’ll do whatever I can to protect it.”

I take a deep breath and nod, pulling myself together as his vows from our wedding day flood through my head. 

And if you waver, keep these words close to your heart 

Every door I walk through, I take you with me

For wherever I go, is not worth it without you beside me

“We’re going to be okay, yeah?”

Andrew nods, pressing his lips to my forehead. “We’ll be okay, darlin’. We’re walkin’ through it together.”

I nod and welcome his warm chest. 

When the times got hard, we made a promise to stay together. To endure this together. Not just the hard times, but our life. A shared life. This is the promise we made. 

“I trust you.”

A

She’s a little off for the rest of the evening, and rightly so. I try to ease her a little by pouring her a glass of wine and making us dinner while she’s in the shower. I have to will myself not to jump in behind her and join her under the hot water, and by the grace of God I manage to do so. 

We eat dinner at the little dining table in her flat where I sit beside her instead of across from her. By the time we’ve finished eating and have moved on to draining the bottle of wine, she’s eased up a little and leans into me as I drape an arm around the back of her chair, telling me about her day. 

Lidia stretches her feet out onto the chair across from her, swirling the wine in her glass. 

“And I could tell Jules was trying to be nice, but I was driving him insane being on my phone all afternoon,” she admits, wincing at the memory, “he locked it in his drawer and we finally got some work done.”

I chuckle, rubbing my jaw. “Probably for the best, love.”

Lidia nods in agreement. “I know. I honestly just need to bury myself in work for a bit and keep busy. We have a busy schedule coming up so I can have something to keep my mind preoccupied.”

I run my thumb along her shoulder and look down at my glass. “So long as you’re not running yourself into the ground. I still want to be able to take time with you this year.”

“We will, darlin’.”

I let out a deep exhale. “Because I did say yes to a couple of festivals, and it’d be nice to have ye come with me to some of them.”

Lidia straightens. “You did?”

“Mmhmm. One in the states in a few weeks and Wales in August at the tail end of summer.” 

She raises a brow. “Wales?”

I let out a laugh, not surprised by her response. “Come on, we’ll stay in the countryside, it’ll be romantic.”

“You’re mad, angel,” she chuckles, shaking her head, “the next couple months are flat out.”

While we both promised to invest the time in our relationship this coming year, I knew that for Lidia, taking time from her work looked very different to mine. While we had gotten married, we still lived independent lives. Not living together was one thing, the independent finances another. I respected the decision not to intertwine ourselves in that way, because it wasn’t really something we felt ready for simply because we’d gotten married. Getting married for me, was more about love, rather than admin and logistics. It’s not that I needed marriage as proof she loved me, I simply had more love for her than I knew what to do with. I don’t know that I could ever really put it into words, but since our early twenties, since meeting , Lidia had always felt like the person I was supposed to experience life alongside. The ten years apart was challenging, and I’d only just survived it. Calling her back into my life had been partly about the work and partly -mostly- about us. And once we had reconnected, my heart clicked back together and I realised that what I had known at twenty-two or twenty-three, I still knew at thirty-four. 

I was supposed to spend my life with this woman.

Marriage had never been a huge thing for me to achieve. But for some reason when I looked at Lidia, I knew it would be inevitable. My heart was in service of hers. It was built to love her. 

And I wanted it. 

Loving her was natural, it was second nature. But there was a part of it that also felt indulgent. And I had decided to indulge. I wanted to marry her. So I asked her. Early. Earlier than I or anyone in our lives probably expected. 

But we had already wasted so much time apart and after seeing the kind of love her parents had shared and how it had been so cruelly cut short, I didn’t want to waste a second more. She deserved to have the all-encompassing love her folks had, and I wanted to be the one to give it to her because I didn’t trust anybody else would live up to the expectation she deserved. 

I don’t know that I did, but I would spend my life weathering the storm for her trying to give it to her. 

“I also- I told you about the gala? For Childline?” I hum. “At Killruddery?”

“Is that the place with the gorgeous gardens?” 

I nod. “Yeah, Caroline suggested we get married there but the venue was far bigger than what we needed.”

“Ah, of course. Too easy to get papped, she said.” Lidia chuckles, rolling her eyes affectionately. 

“Yeah,” I muse, sipping my wine as I look down at her, “I’ve got to go to that, being an ambassador, and all. But I’d like you to come with me. I’ve got a couple songs to sing and I was thinking we could do In A Week.”

She raises a brow. “Really?”

I nod. “We haven’t done it since the shows, and we won’t really get a chance to anymore.”

While we had moved past the back up singer disagreement, Lidia still sang with me at home if I was writing and wanted another voice. Our musical connection still very much existed and I’d been down to every set she played at Temple Bar when I’d been able to make it. However we hadn’t sung in front of an audience together since the festival in Laois and she was happy to leave it that way now that we were married so as not to attract unwanted attention to our relationship. But after last year, I’d missed doing what we did in college. As expected, it was a struggle to have both. Her coming back into my life had first and foremost been about the music, and singing with her had filled a hole in my chest I hadn’t realised was quite so large. 

Lidia bites her lip hesitantly and my hope starts to dwindle. 

“It’s minimal to no media coverage- it’s a bunch of rich folk donating money, Dia. At the very least I want you to come wit’ me.” I murmur. 

She looks up at me. “I’ll come with you- just…let me think about singing, yeah?”

I try to ease the tension in my jaw and nod. “Okay.”

She offers a small smile. “I’m proud of you, y’know. The work you do to support the cause. I’m proud to be married to somebody that follows through on their beliefs.”

I lean down and kiss her nose. “That’s nice of ye to say.”

Lidia chuckles, sipping her wine. “You’re about as unbearable as me when it comes to accepting praise.”

I laugh, dropping my head back. “Accepting praise isn’t one of my love languages.”

“Trust me, I know,” she muses, “is that all the engagements you have this year?” 

“More or less,” I nod, “I’ll be more flexible to stay over during the week.” 

“And I can make more of an effort to stay in the country on the weekends.” 

“Grand,” I hum as I twist the stem of my wine glass on the table, “we make it work, yeah? The living apart thing?” 

Lidia nods as she eyes the movements of my hand. I flex my fingers, my ring catching the light. Her little birth flowers glimmer and I’m flooded with flashbacks of the day we got married. 

Best day of my life. Utter bliss. I can’t believe we finally did it. 

“It makes the most sense- we’ve talked about this, Andy.” 

“I know, I just want to make sure you know I’m tryin’, y’know? I want ye to feel close to me.” 

“I thought this all through the night we got engaged,” she tells me defiantly, “it makes no sense to give up your house because- we’ll obviously live there when we have a baby and I slow down with work, but I can’t live out in the country right now because of work. So I keep my flat. And we just commit to weekends together and during the week when we can manage it.” 

I look down at her, still stuck on the ‘b’ word. She thought about this the night we got engaged? 

“We can have what we want and we don’t have to make sacrifices just because it’s untraditional not to live together as a married couple.” She states stubbornly. “And I married you because I knew how much you were trying and do continue to try, Andrew. I wouldn’t have said yes if I had any doubt- I don’t settle for anybody and you know that.”

I sit with her words for a moment. She was harsh and fierce in the way she loved me and while it pushed me to always work hard for that love, I felt safe and protected by the way she wrapped herself around me. 

I look down at her as she sips her wine, finishing the glass. “When we have a baby?” I echo.

Lidia looks up at me with a teasing smile. “I scare ye?”

I laugh and shake my head. “Not at all.”

“Not for a little while, obviously. Christ, I need to keep my mouth shut.” She chuckles, putting her glass down and rubbing her jaw. 

“No it’s just- sometimes it’s hard for me to grasp where we are. Two years ago I didn’t even have your number on my phone.”

“Ah, the great ten year silence.” Lidia recalls sarcastically. 

“Mm.”

Lidia looks up and kisses my jaw. “We’re okay, Andy. I might be freaking out a little about everything but…y’know…I have you. We’ll be okay.” She murmurs softly. 

I nod, an attempt at providing her with my own safety and protection. “Of course we will. Nothing can touch us, darlin’.”

I don’t know how confidently I could assure her that but I would die trying if I had to. Whatever we faced, I wouldn’t let her walk through it alone. We go through it together or not at all. And by the looks of the noise online, we very soon wouldn’t have the choice on whether or not we faced it. 

But this is all for her, so I will try my very best.

Chapter Text

Andrew’s hand wraps tightly around mine as we sit beside one another at the table. I look at him and he grins at me before leaning in and pressing his lips to the spot behind my ear. 

“I tell ye how stunnin’ you look?” He murmurs quietly. 

I bite my lip and nod. “Once or twice.”

“Can’t believe I’m looking at you in a white dress and a veil.”

“Do ye like the veil? I wasn’t going to wear one, but it was my mam’s- “

“Christ, is it? I’m going to start weeping.”

I laugh, placing a hand on his cheek before a pout starts to tug at my lips. “It’s been an emotional ordeal, trust me.”

Andrew captures my lips in his. “She’d be so proud, Dia.”

“I know. I can feel it.”

The sound of cutlery against a glass takes our attention as Jon stands from the end of our table. The chatter in the tent slows to a stop as the eyes of our nearest and dearest fall to us. 

Jon smiles widely, glass raised. “Thanks for your attention, folks. It’s that time of the evening where we listen to two very important people in the bride and groom’s lives either maintain that status or risk it all for a scandalous anecdote from their college days.”

Laughter ripples through the tent and I lean into Andrew’s side, chuckling as he sips his beer, a smirk tugging at his lips. 

“I welcome Lidia’s…maid of honour, to start us off.”

From beside me, Julien stands with his glass of champagne raised. 

“As you can see, Lidia doesn’t have a lot of female friends.” 

I scowl, poking him in the side. I lock eyes with Zara at a table nearby beside Eamon and Julien’s partner Elle, to find her already laughing. Andrew and I decided not to have a wedding party because we weren’t having a massive traditional wedding. Instead, our small ceremony in the hall only lasted twenty minutes before we returned to my father’s property with our twenty to thirty guests and held a private party to celebrate. That included a sit down dinner, but mostly so everyone had some food in their stomachs to endure the night of drinking and dancing that would inevitably follow. While we didn’t do bridesmaids or groomsmen, we did have a best man and a…maid of honour. When I had approached Julien with the request I had labeled him my best man, but he refused and said he was born for the role. 

That just solidified my decision. 

“For those of you I have yet to meet, hello. I’m Julien. It’s a great joy for me to stand here in front of you all and say a few words, and not just because I live for the attention,” laughter meets Julien’s introduction, and I grow adoringly envious of the way he so effortlessly charms the room, “but because I have known Lidia close to ten years, and I have seen her endure many challenges, and I have seen her achieve incredible feats both in her professional and personal life. Though nothing, I think, has quite compared to seeing my best friend fall in love with perhaps the only person worthy enough to receive that love.”

I bite my lip as my eyes glisten with emotion. Andrew squeezes my hand as it sits tightly in mine in my lap, clocking just how much Julien’s words meant to me. 

Julien chuckles, actively avoiding my eyes because the second he looks at me the both of us would be sobbing. “If you know Lidia, you know she is built of her mother’s strength and her father’s passion. She is fierce and protective in the way Erin was, and she is loving and resilient like Conor is. And like Andrew, she is one of the most genuine, empathetic and wonderful people you will ever meet. And I suppose that’s why despite the whiplash of their engagement and following nuptials…” he teases lightly, looking down at us, “this makes complete and utter sense. Sometimes all it takes is a decade of growth and self-discovery to find yourself exactly where you’re meant to be. So to the happy couple, who have worked so incredibly hard to get here, enjoy. This is the love you deserve and I hope you never forget to cherish it. Comhghairdeas ar lá bhur bpósta.”

“Comhghairdeas ar lá bhur bpósta!”

I stand and hug Julien tightly, kissing his cheek. “Thanks Jules.” I whisper, wiping my eyes. 

“Love you, baby. I’m so fucking happy for you.” He whispers back, kissing my cheek and shooting me a wink as we sit back down. Andrew reaches across me and squeezes Julien’s shoulder, making me the happiest girl ever to see the closeness of their friendship as a result of my most treasured relationships with both of them. I catch Zara’s eye again and she’s wiping her tears on a napkin, shaking her head as she laughs. 

I send her a pout and she blows me a kiss, mouthing her love. 

Jon stands and introduces Alex, who stands with a beer in hand, looking a little more nervous as he gazes out at the few tables in front of us. 

“Well, I’ll try to figure out how to follow that,” Alex chuckles, rubbing his jaw, “I’m Alex. I know most of the faces in this tent, though it doesn’t make the whole public speaking thing any easier.”

“You got this, mate.” Andrew teases affectionately. 

Taking a deep breath, Alex begins. “So, I actually had the pleasure of knowing these two in college. I still remember the day Andy came up to me and told me all about this girl in his music performance class that he’d been paired with, and how perfectly her voice suited his, and how much it made sense to sing with her. And Andy- sorry mate, I’m about to expose ye, Andy, if ye know him, especially when it comes to his work, can sometimes be a nightmare when making music. Everything is structured and deeply thought out. There are no flukes- he’s committed to the craft and he’s one of the most hardworking bastards I know. Even in college he was unbearable- I mean, admirable,” Alex teases, his eyes glazing over us, “so to hear that it simply ‘made sense’ when it came to Lidia, well…I guess I knew that there was no way he’d be able to leave that girl alone.”

Hearing Alex’s recount of Andrew’s version of events was surprising. While I had absolutely had feelings very early on, his college relationship had convinced me that he was slower to realising his feelings for me. I hadn’t expected him to feel something as early on as I had.

“Despite a few hiccups along the way, I’ve watched these two discover and rediscover their gift, fall in love, grow from a particularly trying time- actually I’ve watched them do all of that twice,” he chuckles, “and I can say both times were equally as frustrating. To know Andy and Lid is to know two very passionate, hard-working and independent people. I have spent the better part of my life watching my best mate grow into the man he is today, and it makes me proud to stand beside him while he marries a woman who not just sees what we see in him, but champions him. Lid, welcome home. Congratulations, guys. Slainte!”

Andrew stands and grips Alex in a hug as the tent of our loved ones erupts around us with their support. I stand and place a hand on Andrew’s back as I wait to hug Alex, and thank him for his beautiful words. I catch my father’s eye at the same table as Andrew’s folks and my eyes glisten as I watch him wipe a tear subtly from his cheek. Beside him we had left a vacant space to put a gorgeous vase of flowers with a photograph of my mother and I when I was a child. It was bittersweet, but having her presence beside him even in a physical form we had created ourselves, gave me the strength Julien had mentioned earlier. 

Alex’s arm around me pulls my focus into his embrace, Andrew’s hand softly on my waist. 

“Congrats, Lid. Fucking finally.”

I step out of the car and close the door behind me before I jog up to the front porch to greet my da in a tight hug. It was our first time back to Sligo since we got married here and my first time seeing my father in just as long. I should have seen him a few weeks ago but between work and mine and Andrew’s spontaneous trips I guiltily hadn’t been able to fit it in, and not on the same schedule as Andrew. 

But this weekend we had finally made it work. 

“Hiya love,” my da sighs into my shoulder, “good to see ye.”

“Sorry we left it so long,” I murmur, “I missed you.”

“It’s alright, you two have been busy. Ye well?”

I nod and pull back to kiss his cheek. “Very. How are you? Looking after yourself?”

“I’m well, darlin’,” he chuckles, “where’s that son in law of mine?”

Before I can turn around, Andrew walks up onto the porch behind me, leaning down to greet my father with a one armed hug, our shared overnight bag in his other hand. 

“Hi, da,” Andrew smiles softly, “ye well, I hope?”

“Hi son, alright?”

“Very. Thanks for having us.”

“Of course, come on in.”

Ushering us into the warm house, we follow my father into the kitchen where mugs of tea and a tray of biscuits wait patiently for us on the small kitchen table. I take a seat while Andrew looks through the window onto the expansive backyard to inspect the lawn. 

“Grass is coming back up after we totaled it for the wedding.” He muses before looking at my father sheepishly. 

Dad chuckles, waving him over as he stands beside him. “The gardener you sent had it back to normal in no time. Don’t worry about it, lad. More importantly, it was a good night.”

“It was,” I assure him, “thanks again for letting us host it here. It felt special to have it out here.”

Andrew nods in agreement. “It really was. My folks loved coming to stay.”

“I loved having them. Was nice to have the house full, even if I had to put up with a few drunk lads on my living room floor. Lucky you missed out on that.”

Andrew and I had stayed in a nearby chalet for some privacy after the party. Most of our guests that had travelled out from Dublin, Wicklow and surrounding counties had also booked accommodation nearby to soften the blow of the drive to Sligo. It was nice to be so close to everyone out here where we had a decent chance at privacy. Andrew was convinced word would get out but Caroline had done a remarkable job at assisting with the wedding planning in a way that felt like we still had control while our privacy was protected. 

Until now, that is. Getting out to the countryside to see my da had also been an attempt to disconnect from all of that since our marriage had been discovered by a wider audience last week. The first few days had been rough and I was constantly glued to my phone. Andrew had dragged me into a virtual meeting with his publicist and Caroline to ensure me that they were doing what they could to protect our online profiles and make sure no private information or photos from our wedding were leaked and while I trusted that they were professionals around this kind of thing, I wasn’t one hundred percent convinced they could protect us from everything. 

However, for Andrew, I was trying. 

I was also telling him that I was online a little less than I really was, but I was working on it. The last few days I had been too busy to even go online as work had picked up toward the end of the week. While it had in turn slowed down for Andrew, he took the initiative to call my da and check if this weekend was a good time for us to come out. So here we were on Saturday morning, bright and early in Sligo. 

We share tea and biscuits with him before he drags Andrew out to chop some more firewood. I take that moment to settle into the room I always stayed in when I visited, remembering back to the time Andrew had driven me out here when we were in the thick of our…rough patch. The fact that that had been over a year ago now still shook me. Some days it felt like five minutes ago, and then I was pleasantly surprised at just how far we’d come and how much we’d grown since then. 

By mid-morning Andrew and I head into town to go to the fresh food market while my father pops round to one of his elderly neighbours to make good on a promise to assist in repairing a broken water heater. We’re sent into town with a shopping list of things to pick up as we walk leisurely around the market. This was the kind of quiet country life I had dreamed of having one day when I was younger. While I enjoyed the fast pace of the city and the way in which it served my social life and my career, I missed how it felt to breathe in the morning weekend air knowing that the world was waking up alongside us. And having his hand in mine beside me filled my heart with a joy I had cut myself off from in my mid-twenties. 

Allowing myself to have that back was one of the kindest things I could have done for myself. 

“Andrew? Lidia?”

A soft, familiar voice grabs our attention as I fill the basket in Andrew’s hand with fresh produce. We turn around and I smile as Reverend Kelly approaches us with a smile just as wide. She had been our celebrant for the official part of our ceremony three months ago, something we at the time were unsure of how to go about. It went without saying that Andrew and I weren’t religious (I was technically Catholic though had never practiced and was never pushed to do so by my folks), but Reverend Kelly was a leader in not just the local Sligo community, but the LGBT+ community, and on top of the work she did for local youth and those marginalised by the more traditional ways of our complex country, she officiated ceremonies in and out of the church. 

Ours, for example. 

She met with us a few weeks before after my father had posed the offer to her and she had shared with us her wisdom and best wishes for a long and healthy marriage, regardless of the fact that we were not part of her church. 

“Reverend Kelly, so nice to see you.” I beam, accepting her hug. 

“What a surprise it is!” She chuckles before greeting Andrew with a hug. “Don’t tell me you’ve relocated?”

“No, just visiting my da for the weekend.”

“Ah, soon enough, I’m sure,” she winks, “I’m surprised your father hasn’t talked ye ito it yet.”

“He’ll be trying soon,” I chuckle as I lean into Andrew’s side, “how are ye?”

“I’m very well, hen. Busy as per usual. How is married life treating ye? Well, it seems?” She asks, gazing over the two of us through her specs.

Andrew nods. “Very well. Very happy. Still coming down from the memories of our day. Everyone loved your ceremony.”

“Oh, it’s my pleasure,” she smiles, waving us off, “I know an enduring and loving couple when I see one. It’s good to see the two of you making the time to spend together. Quality time and intentional time is the biggest gift you can give yourselves during the first year of marriage, you know.”

“We’re really prioritising that,” I nod, a small part of me eager to impress her after the support and kindness she’d given to us during this stage in our lives, “we’re making an effort to put that first.”

“Good job. You two will be just fine- I see the commitment as clearly as I did on your wedding day. And Andrew, I hear you’re working with Childline? Conor was telling me all about the support you provide back in Dublin.”

I can’t help but smile at the fact that my father had been caught boasting about Andrew the way a proud father would. Andrew blushes as he responds, telling her all about the work the foundation did and the little - his words, of course- work he did in support. 

“Well, it was wonderful to run into the two of ye, and I hope to do so more often in the future,” she winks, “enjoy the rest of your visit.”

We thank her before she continues on her way. I look up at Andrew adoringly as her presence alone brings back the giddy butterflies from that day and he chuckles, leaning down to kiss me. 

“That was a nice surprise.”

I nod. “Sweet of her to stop us. I’m a bit chuffed that she thinks we’re doing well at being married.”

Andrew laughs. “You’re such a people pleaser.”

Once we tick everything off the list we head home and I teach Andrew how to make homemade bread while my da is still out. It was a recipe my mother taught me in my early twenties, something that kick-started my habit of baking whenever I needed to get my mind off something. I voice this to Andrew as I add a flick of water to the dough he was kneading on the bench. 

“What were ye trying to get ye mind off when she taught ye this?” He asks, pausing to hold his arm out to me.

I roll his sleeve up over his elbow and he continues. “You, actually.”

“Ah.”

“Worked out so well, like.” I muse as I watch him, the veins in his forearms pulsing in a very unfair way considering we were at my da’s and not the comfort of our own bedroom. “Start folding it in.”

“Did you eventually find peace over it all?” He asks curiously. “I mean, in your own way? Considering clarity from me wasn’t what you wanted?”

I shrug. “I don’t know, I think I just learnt how not to think about you. And then my mam got sick and that was all I cared about.”

“Of course,” Andrew hums, his eyes flickering to mine, “I thought about you a lot, y’know. I never learnt how to make bread.”

I look up at him and tuck a loose curl behind his ear. “Yeah?”

“Mm. Took me a long while to get over ye. And then I met somebody and I had something else to think about for a bit.”

“Five years, right?”

Andrew nods. “And I really loved her. But by the fifth year I had trouble committing to a future together, even talking about it panicked me. She got hurt by that- rightfully so. And I had to tell her I think I was saving myself for somebody that wanted nothing to do with me.”

My eyes widen. “Andy…”

“I know,” he rolls his eyes, “but I had to be honest. It really hurt her and I felt terrible. She got married last year, actually. So it was for the best. But then I met somebody else, and again, I was never emotionally unfaithful because I managed to avoid thinking about you. And then the ten years rolled around and the year leading up to it, I couldn’t stop thinking about how I needed to at least make things right between us.”

“In hindsight I appreciate you coming to that conclusion.” I tell him honestly. It felt like a lifetime ago, the day I got the call from Caroline. 

“Yeah?” 

I nod as I turn to the bread maker and turn it on. “Yeah, even though I didn’t think it at the time. Although I don’t think I ever would have thought I’d be married a year or so later. Much less to you.” 

Andrew looks at me with a smile, one eye closed with a kiss of flour beneath it. I lick my thumb and swipe it away. 

“Sometimes I think it’s crazy, and then I remember how much younger us wanted this- and that if we still wanted it over ten years later with all that we’ve been through, we couldn’t be completely crazy.” 

I lean in and peck his lips. “Julien told me it was crazy but sometimes that’s not a bad thing. And despite how delusional he can be, he’s always my voice of reason.” 

“I’m glad ye have someone like him that looks out for ye, y’know.” Andrew hums. 

“Mm. He kind of kept me afloat when my mother passed. I owe him a lot.” 

I watch his brow furrow as he looks at me. “And you moved to Paris alone after that?” 

A sad smile tugs at my lips. “Mm.” 

Andrew straightens, wiping his hands on a tea towel before pulling me into his chest, making sure not to touch me with his flour covered hands. 

“I wish I could’ve been there, Dia.” He sighs quietly. 

I rub his back. “It’s okay. It’s a long time ago.” 

“I was waiting for ye to call me.” 

“I was never going to call, Andy.” 

He lets out a deep breath before looking down at me. “It sounds obvious, but I’m so relieved you’re back in my life. We were meant to spend this life together, Lidia.” 

My heart twists. I poke him in the chest to avoid how vulnerable he made me feel. 

“That’s Mrs Byrne to you.” I murmur. 

He chuckles and kisses my forehead. “I love you.” 

“Love you more.” 

A

We have dinner with Conor, a home cooked meal Lidia cooked with him while I was forced to slice the loaf of bread we made at the kitchen table. She had warned her father of my ‘inability to share duties’ when it came to cooking and as such was sat at the table like a child in timeout. However, the bread turned out grand and I was proud of our efforts. 

“So, you’re off work, Andy?” Conor asks as he pours me a glass of wine once we’re all seated around the table. 

I nod. “Aye. For the most part. I have a festival in the US in a few weeks, other than that a few scattered gigs through the year but nothing heavy, like. No touring.” 

“You’re really a man of luxury this year. It’s a good thing I googled ye net worth or I’d be concerned my daughter married a bum.” He jokes. 

Lidia scowls. “Da.” 

I can’t help but laugh. “I married Dia for her success, man. I want to be the kept husband”. 

“He didn’t really google your net worth- “

“I did- I know what I want for Christmas- “

“Da.” 

“Ack, ye lad knows I’m just kidding.” 

“Besides, I could never repay you for the priceless gift that is your daughter.” I smirk, enjoying watching Lidia squirm. She was so cute when she was annoyed. 

“ Anyway , yes Andy is working less this year.” Lidia interrupts, ending our banter and sending us both a glare. 

“We’re putting as much time together as we can as the priority,” I nod, obliging my wife, “though Dia’s not taking much time off because work is so busy for her. But we’re doing weekend and week-long trips where we can. And she’s going to come with me to Wales.” 

Conor laughs. “Wales? Second honeymoon hey?” 

Lidia pulls a face before sipping her wine. “I didn’t say yes to that- he’s telling lies.”

“Come on, it’s a long weekend deal. You can make it work- plenty of time to close your books.” I tell her, nudging her foot with mine under the table. 

Sending me a look that tells me not to push my luck, Lidia recounts our run in with Reverend Kelly from earlier that day before asking Conor about what he’d been up to the last couple months. Quickly it has become such a comfort, to be welcomed so warmly into her small yet loving family. I loved escaping to the country and even more so loved being out in the country with her and the person who loved her most in the world. I was big enough to acknowledge that nothing got between a father’s love for his daughter. 

After dinner and a nightcap, we head to bed. Conor retreats to his room, while I follow Lidia down the hall to her room, wrapping my arms around her waist from behind as I mirror her steps. We get ready for bed and I can’t help but watch her as I sit on the edge of the bed. I think back to the first time she’d brought me here- or I’d invited myself here was probably the more accurate way of putting it. She could hardly look at me, avoiding me like the plague as I slept in the spare room down the hall. I’d driven her here in fear she wasn’t sober enough to drive -and I had been right- and had spent an uncomfortably awkward couple of days with her and Conor while she’d intended to escape me and deal with us . 

And now I was watching my wife get ready for bed, a bed that I was welcome to. A bed that she made warm for me. 

I watch her stretch her arms over her head and yawn before looking at me with a lazy smile. She tilts her head to the side and chuckles.

“What are ye looking at, dopey?”

A small smile tugs at my lips. 

“My wife.”

L

I comb my fingers through his tangled curls while he rests his sleepy head in my lap. Resting my head back against the headboard of the bed, I gaze out the window at the light morning rain sprinkling down in the backyard. Visions of our wedding day played out in front of me, from the dinner, to the dancing, to the speeches- it was such a happy, blissful day. It was surreal, too. But I had been expecting that. And how crazy it was to think that it was only three months ago, when it felt like a lifetime ago and also like it had happened yesterday, all at the same time. 

I gaze down at my rings, twisting my engagement ring back into its rightful position. It was so pretty- one of the prettiest pieces of jewellery I owned. It was also likely the most expensive. He’d had it custom made by a beautiful small business in Dublin, the same place we’d chosen our wedding bands. 

I wasn’t a huge jewellery person, though now I found it ironic how the three pieces I wore every single day had been either a gift from him, or a result of marrying him. The weight of them kept me grounded, and whenever I couldn’t quite believe the turn my life had taken, I simply looked down at my hands, now eternally holding his. 

“Mm, feels good.” Andrew murmurs with his eyes closed as he presses his face into my thigh, “so good.”

I chuckle as I scratch my nails against his scalp between untangling his curls. I reached for the little bottle of hair oil on the nightstand and spread a few drops onto my fingers before I worked them into the more stubborn tangles that lived underneath all of his hair- the tangles he often missed when brushing, washing or styling his hair. I had been at a show of his and had watched them find the light when he and the band had bowed at the end of the set, and ever since I had made it my job to detangle and treat them when he was still waking up in my lap. 

This morning, for example. 

I had been awake for a few hours, while Andrew slept like a log. When the sun rose I had read a few chapters of the book I was currently reading, until Andrew had migrated between my legs, tangling his arms around my thighs and pushing my hands into his hair to soothe him while he slept. I’d have booked him in for a head massage if I didn’t find it so sweet. 

“We have to drive home this afternoon.” I pout at him as he slowly and reluctantly succumbs to the new day. 

“Mm…not for a bit.” He mumbles tiredly. 

“No, but today,” I state softly as I look down at the lock of hair I worked between my fingers, “I wish we could stay for longer.” 

“We could.”

I bite my lip to avoid rolling my eyes. “I have a shoot tomorrow.”

He pouts into my thigh, his beard scratching my skin. How nice it must be to have so much time to fill and so much time off. I shouldn’t say that- he had earned it. I hadn’t been in his life for the few years of hectic touring, instead I had come in toward the tail end of it, yet to really experience him away for months at a time. But all the same, I could see just how much he needed this year. Sure there were shows and festival gigs scattered throughout the year, but he deserved to put his life first. And how good it felt to be such a big part of it. I look at my rings again because I can hardly believe just how big a part of my life he was in return. 

I would say that college Lidia would be in disbelief, but she had wanted this since she laid eyes on him. If anything, she had manifested, give or take the ten years in between. 

“Hey, Andy?” I murmur gently as I finish with his hair and start combing it all back into place. 

“Mm?” He mumbles, rolling onto his back so his face was pointing up at mine. 

“Y’know last night, when we were talking to my da about how we were planning our year?” I hum, approaching the curious question that had plagued my mind.

“Mm?”

“Have you thought any more about what you spoke about a few months ago? About wanting to go back to school to study?”

It had been a bashful admission on his part, something that for some reason he had first been self-conscious about sharing with me. Andrew had expressed his interest in studying poetry and literature during his time off. He wanted to go back to college and commit the time to diving deep into the art form, mostly for his own interest. He had thought about studying online in order to remain flexible with the requirements of his career, but wanted to utilise his upcoming quieter years filling his cup as opposed to letting it drain. I was supportive of the idea, always an advocate for remaining a student to the world. And he was so wildly intelligent that not only would he learn something new, but he would have so much to offer to his study. 

Andrew’s eyes finally flutter open at my question, revealing those melting eyes I had fallen in love with when they first met mine in our music performance class at Trinity, a lifetime ago. He looks up at me thoughtfully, analysing my features. 

“A little, yeah.”

“Mm?” I prompt as I rub the remaining oil on my fingertips into his beard. I drag my thumb over the little patch of skin at the corner of the right side of his mouth where for some reason the hair didn’t grow. His greys were coming in under his chin and I loved every single one of them. Most of all, I love how they made him look like his father, the way my silver threads made me look like my mother. We were becoming the people we looked up to, and I couldn’t help but hope they were proud of us and how we had gone about loving one another.

“I think it might be difficult to start this next semester. I might have to wait until next year’s intake.” He explains softly, his voice raspy from sleep. 

“Yeah?”

Andrew nods. “Next year I likely won’t tour or book shows at all.”

I raise a brow. “No?”

“No. I’ll take some proper time off and then perhaps go back into the studio for the following year. I’m coming up to my break between records, like.”

“Oh. Wow.”

“It’s normal.” He hums, pressing his lips to my thigh. “Maybe…do ye think maybe your work might slow down a bit next year? We could go travelling.” He suggests lightly, the way he usually sounded when his head started to float with the clouds. 

“Where would we go?” I ask, indulging the thought. “You’ve been everywhere.”

“South of France?”

A small smile grows on my lips. “That sounds beautiful.”

“And…maybe…South America?”

“I’ve never been there before.” 

He looks up at me. “No?”

I shake my head. “Nope. Mostly Europe and the UK.”

“Australia?”

“Never.”

“It’s beautiful there.”

“I’ve heard it’s a little hot.”

He chuckles as he slowly moves into a sitting position, turning to face me until his head hangs closely in front of mine. His eyes flicker out the window to the rain before coming back to me. 

“It can be. Get you a tan, like.”

I roll my eyes playfully. “Like the one you’ve got?”

Leaning in, Andrew presses his lips to mine, exhaling against them lazily. 

I place a hand on his cheek as I kiss him back. “I think if you want to study, you should do it. You’re so intelligent.”

He smiles tiredly before moving his lips to my jaw, to my neck. “Kind of ye.”

I close my eyes and lean back against the headboard, tilting my head back to allow him better access as he hovers over me. His kisses get more intentional, and I feel his energy shift to that of lust. 

“Andy…” I whisper, suppressing a groan, “my da…”

“We’ll be quiet,” he whispers back, sliding a large hand up my bare thigh until it disappears under my shorts, “I can keep ye quiet.”

“You’re the one…” I trail off as he nips at my skin with his teeth, a shiver running down my spine, “you’re the one that…”

Sliding an arm around my waist, Andrew yanks me down onto my back until my head hits the pillow. I squeeze his shoulders as he lays on top of me, reconnecting our lips and very quickly begging for entrance with his tongue. I grant him access immediately, sliding my calf around his as he buries his pelvis against mine. Looking for warmth, I tug the sheets back over us and he takes this as his cue to slide his hand down the front of my shorts, eliciting a surprised gasp from me. 

“You’re so wet.” He murmurs into my mouth. “Is that a yes?”

I nod quickly, tightening my leg around his. “Yes- yes.”

“Okay, but ye have to be quiet,” he whispers teasingly as he quickens the pace of his hand, “can ye be quiet for me?”

I bite his lip, protesting his slight arrogance despite the very clear affect his touch has on my body. The cool metal of his wedding band against my core drives my head back into the pillows, something I don’t know if he was aware of, but it felt like my dirty little secret to know how much it turned me on. 

“Andy…” I whisper breathlessly as I felt my impending climax, a lot further along than expected, “inside- I- “

“I am inside- “

“No, you.”

His lips slide to my neck and he bites hard as he removes his hand, freeing him to shove his boxers down to his thighs. I disregard my shorts and part my legs wider as he supports himself between them. It was messy and lazy and very ungraceful, but it was one of those mornings where I couldn’t feel close enough to him. And I loved this feeling, a result of loving him.

He presses into me and my eyes roll back in my head. Somehow I manage not to make a sound, instead welcoming the low grunt Andrew cannot help to contain. He breathes out heavily as he rests his hip bones to mine, pausing for a moment as our bodies wake up. 

“Dia…”

I brush his hair off of my face and turn my head to kiss his cheek. “Slowly.”

Nodding, Andrew slowly starts to thrust his hips in an excruciating rhythm that has my nails digging into his shoulder blades and my teeth piercing through my bottom lip. My breath is stuttered as it leaves my chest and I try to muffle a whimper but I am weak to suppress it.

“So good, angel,” he hisses as he picks up the pace, “you feel so good.”

I clench my fist in his hair, tugging on the very locks I had nursed to health only moments prior to this. My back arches, my chest pressing to his as he fucks me urgently and hungrily. He is lazy yet animalistic with his movements, setting my body on fire in a way only he knows how. I think about our first time, and I think about our first time since reconnecting, and I think about each and every other time and how he has the ability to feel like home and completely uncharted territory simultaneously, every. Single. Time. 

“A-Andy,” I whimper into his neck, burying my face in pleasure, “I’m so close- I’m so close baby.” 

He nods, turning his head to plant a messy kiss on my temple. “Come- come for me Dia.”

And I do, and so does he, and we end up entangled in a sweaty mess beneath the sheets I will need to wash in a bit before we leave. But for now, nothing outside of this room matters, nothing outside of this bed matters, because all I need is right here in my arms. 

“Don’t leave it too long before ye come out here again, now,” dad hums as the three of us walk the trail back to the house late that afternoon, “I know ye busy, but three months is a long time.” 

We’d gone for a little walk on the gravel trail behind my da’s house after lunch, an attempt to walk off the cosy yet heavy meal we’d made ahead of our drive back into the city. I missed being out in the countryside, and knowing we were going back to my flat instead of Andrew’s house tonight meant I was making the most of soaking in this beautiful landscape while I could.

“We won’t- I’ll try to come out in a few weeks. You know, you’re welcome to visit any time you want.” I remind him. 

“You can stay at our place in the country whenever you like- even if we’re not home.” Andrew adds, and I don’t miss how he calls it our place.  

“That’s very kind of ye,” my father nods as he walks alongside me, “but the drive is quite atrocious.”

Andrew lets out a laugh, agreeing with him as he swung our intertwined hands between us. I was sad to be leaving after only two nights because this weekend had been exactly what I’d needed after the last two weeks. Getting out into the countryside had been therapeutic, a much needed escape from the chaos of the city where all I did was ruminate about the things being said online. Being out here had given me perspective, reminded me that no matter what, I could always switch it off and ground myself amongst the people I loved, and those that loved me. I was lucky to be surrounded by such a deep and caring love, and I was happy. Truly happy. 

“Fuck!”

A firm arm snakes around my waist and yanks me back, followed by Andrew’s tall stature cutting off both me and my father on the trail. My eyes widen as I see what possibly might be the largest fox I’ve ever seen, standing protectively in front of its baby ahead of us on the path. 

“Christ, that’s a big one.” My father murmurs. He was right; this wasn’t like the little fox that had wandered into Andrew’s house on Christmas morning. No, this one was baring its big teeth at us. While mostly out of protection, it still instills a cold sense of fear in me. 

Andrew eyes the animal, holding his arm out in front of us. “Nobody move- stay still.”

“It’s- “

“Dia, be quiet .” He murmurs, squeezing my waist. His eyes are trained on the animal as he pushes me behind him and reaches in front of my da. “Just wait for them to pass…”

I bite down hard on my lip as I lock eyes with the fox. At first I had thought it was a male, but very quickly I realised that there is no stare like a mother’s glare and that is a protective mother fox. My eyes flicker up to the man in front of me, putting himself between the danger of a wild animal to ensure not just mine but my father’s safety. Not only that, but one of the main reasons we were out here was because he knew just how much my mental health needed this. The countryside and my father’s side. I had missed both immensely and rather than give me a kiss and send me on my way for the weekend, he took the steering wheel and drove us out here to spend that time with me. 

This was the man I married. Not just a protector in the traditional sense of the word, but somebody who advocated for my safety and wellbeing. Somebody who made sure the effort and the work was being put in to keep me surrounded by his love. 

It had felt like hell, shrinking under the scrutiny and harsh words of strangers and online evils, yet here he was walking through it with me.

We would be okay. So long as I had him, we would be okay. 

I slide my hand into his and squeeze it. The fox on the path ahead of us nudges its kit and they both disappear into the woods. 

My father lets out a deep breath, followed by a chuckle. “That almost had me.”

Andrew laughs nervously and pulls me into his chest, wrapping his arms around me. “Sorry for telling ye to hush.” He mumbles into my hair. 

I laugh and look up at him. “My protector, like.”

“Ye yapping would have gotten us in trouble, kiddo.” My da insists as we keep walking. 

I roll my eyes playfully. “Andy’s off the hook because we didn’t get mauled to death by that protective mama fox.”

“Very noble move, son.”

Andrew chuckles, rubbing his jaw as we continue down the trail. “Ack, just carrying out my duties, like.”

We fall into step behind my father and I look up at Andrew as he walks beside me, hand in mine. 

“Thank you.” I mouth genuinely. After all, he had just thrown himself in hell’s doorway for not just mine but my father’s safety. 

Andrew nods, brows furrowed with sincerity. 

“Always.”

Chapter Text

From: Andrew

Hair is shit :( 

I look down at my phone as it buzzes on the desk beside me and I can’t help but chuckle at the message on my screen. We were communicating via Whatsapp because Andrew was in the states for a festival for a couple days and in his typical fashion had left packing to the absolute last minute and forgotten most of his toiletries. 

Including hair care, apparently. 

To: Andrew 

Dry shampoo bub 💘

Send me photo 

I put my phone down and look over my screen at Julien. 

“I think I’m going to have to start coming in earlier to keep up with all this editing work. It’s the only way to keep up with the demand.” I tell him with a sigh as I sink back into my chair. The last few weeks had been intense, and I hadn’t been able to spend much time with Andrew in the lead up to his going away because of it. I felt a little guilty about how much work I did at home, but we’d been slammed this season and the only way to stay on top of it was to power through.

Julien nods, not taking his eyes off the screen in front of him. “Mm. I know. Yesterday I sat in this chair for about eight hours straight. I called Matt downstairs and asked if he could bring my lunch up.” 

“Jules.” I scoff. “He’s busy.” 

“I know. Forced me to come downstairs so I could take a break. I love that man, Lidia.” He hums nonchalantly. 

“Me too. He always gives me a large coffee when I ask for a regular.” 

My phone buzzes and I pick it up, smiling at the selfie sent through from Andrew once the dry shampoo had been applied and his hair was back to its usual voluminous self. 

From: Andrew 

Miss you. You should’ve come with me. 

To: Andrew

Hottie ❤️‍🔥

I’ll book you in with Seb for a treatment. Your curls are getting frizzy from that American water. 

From: Andrew

If my wife was here to treat my hair for me I wouldn’t have frizzy curls 😔

To: Andrew 

Your wife has a job 😔

From: Andrew

:( 

I let out a laugh and tell him I’ll call him tonight. A couple days and I already missed him something desperate. 

Julien looks up. “The husband?” 

“Mm. He asked me to go to the US with him but I said no.” I muse as I return to my work editing the most recent shoot I’d done for Levi’s and their pride campaign. 

“You’re not going to any of his shows?” Julien hums curiously. 

I shake my head. “Too much work. And I don’t want to be seen by anyone.” 

He sighs, dragging his eyes away from his screen. “You can’t let this online shit stop you from living your life. He’s your partner, you’re allowed to support his career.” 

“I know, but everytime I’m seen with him now, all I can think about is the commentary about how I’m not good enough for him or how the honeymoon phase is going to wear off and he’ll regret marrying me.” I mutter flatly as I flick through my completed files and feel the relief of completion getting closer. 

I’d told Andrew I’d stopped reading the negativity online. And I had. For a week. Or five days. But it was hard to ignore when that little notification box kept popping up any time I used the app. Biting my tongue had been the biggest challenge of my life and it wasn’t something that came naturally to me yet I knew to feed into the hate would only make it worse. 

Julien sighs and sits back. “I was thinking, I want Teagan to start filtering our inbox. Get rid of all the bullshit that comes through and forward us the jobs to a secondary inbox so we only see the work related queries.”

I sent him an unimpressed look. “Jules, that’s so unnecessary. We go through queries every morning. You’re just adding an extra task to her list.”

“I don’t have the capacity to filter through them and it needs to be done.”

“I just delete them- “

“The point of this is so you don’t see them at all. It’s affecting your mental health and I’m concerned about that. I want it gone every morning before you get in.” He states. “I also don’t want to see that bullshit.”

While it would be heaven not to see all the hate and negativity -or just the mentions of Andrew- in my inbox, I felt like a child being handled with gloves. I should be able to deal with this. This shouldn’t affect me so much.

But it was.

“I think it’s a waste of her time.”

“Well, I don’t. I’m raising an identified problem and providing the solution,” he hums, switching to his business partner voice, one I could not ignore, “do you agree with the solution, Lidia?”

I sigh and cross my arms over my chest. My phone buzzes and my screen lights up with another message. 

From: Andrew

Love you x talk tonight. 

“Okay, fine. But you talk to her about it.” I finally agree as I look back at him. 

“I will. Thank you.” He nods, returning back to work seemingly somewhat achieved. 

I chew my lip anxiously as my fingers resist the urge to reach for my phone again. I was trying to train myself to ignore the urges for as long as possible, though it was proving harder than I thought. While I knew what was waiting on the other side would only hurt me, it was like a car crash I couldn’t help but look at. 

But no. I promised him. I told him I was managing. The last thing he needed was to worry about my unhealthy addiction to online forums trying to ruin our first year of marriage. 

I double tap his message to send back a heart emoji before switching it off and returning to my work. I could do this. 

It was for the best and things would get better. 

Right? 

Surely. 

They had to. 

A

“Ready to go, man?”

I look up from my phone as Alex passes by the door of my dressing room trailer. 

“Yeah, coming.” I nod as I shove the device into my pocket. Following him out onto the festival grounds, we make the short walk through the artist’s area to the backstage tents. “Last one before home.”

“Kinda lookin’ forward to it,” he murmurs, raising a brow, “the crowd has been a little…unharmonious?” He attempts, looking at me to gauge my opinion as we walked toward the stage. 

I nod as I fiddle with my monitors that hang over my shoulders. “Last night was weird. Lot more people needing to get escorted out of the crowd- I think because we’re sandwiched between rock bands on the bill.” I muse, sending him a look. “Mix of fans in the audience.”

“Probably a sign they should have put us on the pop stage,” he teases, flexing his arms over his head, “how’s Dia doing without ye? Surviving?”

I roll my eyes playfully. “Waiting on the doorstep, like.”

Alex lets out a laugh and punches my arm. “Yeah right. She’s probably living it up as we speak.”

“Eh, you’re not wrong.” I chuckle, knowing there was no way she was moping around at home for me. While I know she missed me, Lidia and I were good at being independent. We got on with our work and we were fulfilled by it. We valued having our own lives and being career driven. I wasn’t surprised she hadn’t wanted to come with me and if anything, I think the recent garbage online had made her uneasy about being seen with me at shows. I understood it, and I didn’t press her too hard on coming with me, at least not so quickly after she had been utterly shaken by everything. I had to learn the hard way that my wants had to come second to her needs in this situation.

I only hoped it wouldn’t scare her for good. 

L

“Cheers! To Eamon and his big bank account!”

I laugh at Zara’s toast to her partner and raise my glass with the table before sipping my champagne. 

We were gathered at a swanky restaurant in the city to celebrate Eamon’s recent job promotion at the gallery he worked at. It was something he had been working toward since he first started working there and after three and a half years, it had finally paid off. To say Zara was a proud partner was an understatement. 

Across from me was Julien and his partner Elle, who he had met around the time Andrew and I had gotten engaged. She was an editor for Tatler and had been on one of his shoots and she was cool, chic and so incredibly hard-working, he’d fallen instantly. Turns out she had been just as charmed by him and now here they were, six months later and completely in love. 

It was still a little weird, getting used to the fact that we were both in happy, healthy relationships after having spent so long in each other’s back pockets, but we were happier for it. We had been happy when single, fulfilled by work and those around us, but Andrew and Elle had added to our lives in ways we couldn’t see coming. 

It was an unexpected yet welcomed surprise. 

“Alright, alright,” Eamon chuckles. He kisses Zara on the cheek before sipping his own flute of champagne. “Thanks everyone for coming, I appreciate it.”

“Of course- it’s such a wonderful opportunity,” Elle smiles supportively, “Zara, you must be proud.”

Zara beams, nodding excitedly. “So proud. E’s been working so hard the last year and his boss finally noticed it- “

“Ack, you’re just- “

“She’s right- you basically curated his entire gallery and the prick only now just promoted you to gallery director? Bullshit if ye ask me.” Julien scowls from across from me as he sips his red wine. 

“Well done, Eamon. It’s an amazing achievement.” I offer. Zara had been in his corner from day one, so it brought me a lot of joy to see her celebrate his wins with him. It was so nice to see my friends so happy in their relationships. 

I was a little bummed Andrew was out of town and couldn’t be here tonight, the presence of his empty chair beside me was more prominent when in company with two other couples. 

“This art show that we’re going to tonight was curated by one of E’s buddies at the first gallery he ever worked at,” Zara explains, leaning forward across the table, “some crazy surrealist pieces.”

“I’ve done my research,” Elle nods as she switches to red wine, “I’m very intrigued by the curation.”

Julien’s eyes flicker to mine, as though to say how sexy is her brain? I can’t help but smile as I sip my champagne, shooting him a wink. Elle had fit in so well with our group, emitting a grounded sense of confidence that seemed to calm Julien while also bringing out the best in his bright personality. Very quickly it became clear that these two were meant to be, and I loved watching the way he watched her. 

“So Lid, how’s Andy? Where is he tonight?” Eamon asks over dinner.

“He’s in the states for a couple festivals. He’s back this weekend.” I smile softly as his face flashes through my mind. “He sends his congratulations.”

“Ah, tell him thanks.”

“That’s right,” Zara nods as she swallows a mouthful of her steak, “is he playing Electric Picnic again this year?”

I bite my lip. Had he mentioned that in the list of festivals he’d accepted? “I don’t know actually. I don’t think so.”

“I’d love to see you sing with him,” Elle smiles as she looks up at me from her grilled fish, the same meal I had chosen, “Julien has shown me so many videos from last year, the two of you are a dream together.”

I blush, glancing at my overly supportive best friend. “Oh, that’s too kind- “

“She’s right,” Julien nods, “no wonder everyone thought you were lovers the moment you stepped on stage.”

I scowl. “They did not.”

“He’s not wrong, babe,” Zara chuckles, “I spoke to him at the wedding. He said the moment you joined him onstage, he knew no matter what, that was the end of spending your lives apart.”

He said that?

“He’s a poet, I’ll give him that.” Eamon chuckles, shaking his head. “You lucked out there, Lid.”

“Do you have plans to sing together soon?” Elle asks, her support unwavering, if a little hopeful. 

“No,” Julien answers for me as he sips his red wine, “she’s avoiding his gigs because of all the online hate.”

I shot him a look, having hoped that this conversation would have stayed off the table of topics for the evening. “Not true.”

“Is that still going on?” Zara frowns, leaning forward. 

“What online hate? You’re getting hate? Why?” Eamon asks. 

Zara looks at him. “The internet found out Andrew and Lid got married. His fan base was not thrilled about it and they’re coming after Lidia for it.”

I lean in, interrupting. “It’s not- it’s only some of his fanbase. Most of them have been really lovely- it’s just that I’d hoped we could have kept it between us.”

“Oh.” Eamon nods. “Ouch. I’m sorry.”

“It might be some of them,” Julien states, pointing his glass at me, “but the some of them have been horrible. And Andy’s not said anything about it.”

“I don’t want him to say anything about it,” I defend, sending Julien yet another look to drop it, “it’ll make it worse. We’re just ignoring it. It’s our business.”

“How did they find out?” Elle frowns. “Your wedding was incredibly private and lowkey. It was so personal- nobody posted anything about it.”

“He wore his wedding band in a reel.”

“It was a tiktok.”

“No, I’m pretty sure it was a reel- “

“Whatever, it made its way to both platforms- “

“I think,” Eamon interrupts, pulling Zara and Julien’s conversation to a halt as he looks at me, “I think Lidia would rather we not talk about this over the dinner table. Judging by the look on her face.”

My two best friends glance at me as I sit back in my seat, somewhat mortified by conversation. I was aware of how silly it sounded and I didn’t want people thinking I couldn't handle it. Ignoring it wasn’t the right answer, I knew that, but it was all I had at the moment. 

They apologise sheepishly, Zara reaching across the table to squeeze my hand apologetically while Julien rubbed his foot against mine. Elle gracefully moves the conversation along, instead discussing the new campaign she was directing in the coming month. 

We finish dinner and head out to the gallery where the art show is being held. It was located above a swanky bar in the city we’d been to countless times before, known for their cocktails and craft beers. Many nights I’d stumbled home from this building having never known it held a gorgeous art gallery right upstairs. We make it in time for the curator to give their introductions, before Eamon drags Zara away to introduce her to people he knew. I mingle with Elle and Julien, feeling more than comfortable as their third wheel despite how much I would have liked Andrew by my side. We’d missed each other a couple times on the phone already today due to the time difference and it was nights like these where I really felt his absence. I tried to remind myself how I had managed without him for ten years, but that all disappeared the moment I looked down at my ring and remembered I hadn’t just married him on a whim.

I rub my ring with my finger, sipping my glass of champagne until there was nothing left. 

“I’m going to get another drink, did you guys want one?” I offer, looking between the couple. 

“Yes please , I need more liquid courage to go talk to that creative director- I want a job and I need to be a little more drunk first.” Julien states bluntly, his eyes locked on a tall blonde man across the room. 

Elle scowls lightly, placing her hand on his chest. “You don’t need liquid courage, you’ve got talent, darling.”

Julien smiles lovingly at her before looking at me. “Whiskey. Double.”

“Single.” Elle corrects, looking at me for solidarity. 

I laugh and nod. “Single coming up.”

“Lidia- “

“Watch it, or you’ll be single too.” I tease, leaving them to it once Elle confirms she was doing fine with her drink. I weave between the crowded gallery and head downstairs. They were only serving champagne in the gallery and if I wanted a real drink, I’d have to fetch it from the bar downstairs. The loud music pulses through my body as I squeeze between the crowd to get to the bar. When I do, it’s a waiting game that allows me the chance to check for any messages from Andrew. 

From: Andrew

Love you x talk tonight. 

Missed call: Andrew (2)

I sigh and slide my phone away, knowing there was a very high chance we wouldn’t speak tonight. Dammit. I missed my husband- 

“What can I get you, love?”

I look up at the bartender and smile. “Can I please get a whiskey neat and a pinot noir?”

The bartender nods and disappears to fetch the drinks while I pull my card out of my purse, waiting patiently to pay. Looking around the bar, I don’t realise how much it’s changed until I’m left alone in my thoughts. Julien and I had discovered this place in our very first week of owning our studio. We’d had a quiet couple days that had brought down the high of our opening. Our books were light on clients and we were worried about whether or not our business would be able to sustain our rent. We were babies in business together and it showed. So the first thing we did when we left the studio on our first Friday night as business owners? We headed to the bar and we got drunk. 

Things obviously turned around, though slowly, but it was a defining moment in our friendship. Even when times get tough, we were there for each other. No matter what, we were in this together, and we had been ever since. No matter the arguments, no matter the differing opinions. We always found a way back to one another. And that was why we had lasted so long- 

“Yeah, I think that’s her. I’m pretty sure that’s her.”

My ears prick up as I hear a whispering down the bar, though almost inaudible due to the music, the eyes on me confirm the voices of two girls looking to be in their early twenties. My eyes flicker to theirs and they look at each other as though they hadn’t just been looking at me.

I bite my lip and look down at my card, tapping it nervously against the bar. Maybe I’d gotten it wrong. Maybe they weren’t- 

“That’s definitely her. So she’s not with him in America? Weird.”

“Look at her ring- it’s massive.”

“She doesn’t look pregnant. Maybe they just wanted to get married super quick?”

“But why? I’m so curious.”

“Whiskey neat and a pinot noir. Twenty eight euro, love.” The bartender smiles as he returns with the little white square for me to tap my card onto. I can’t slap it down fast enough before thanking him for the drinks and getting out of there, away from the stare of those girls whose faces I’d already tried to erase from memory. Even though I was fully immersed in the crowd, I still felt their eyes burning into my back as I ascended the stairs to the gallery. 

It was okay. It didn’t exist in the real world. They’re strangers. We were sacred. We were sacred. We were sacred.

I find Julien and Elle and hand him his drink. For the rest of the night I hung around him, mostly because I felt anxious about being left on my own and out of everyone in the room he was my safest space. I hated how awkward and nervous the moment downstairs had made me feel, mostly because it made me feel not like myself at all. I tried taking deep breaths in order to rationalise it in my head, but all it got me was an empty glass and an itching to get out of there.

I end up leaving earlier than planned but still long enough to have shown face for an appropriate amount of time. I say goodbye to everyone before heading out onto the street for some fresh air. Instead of catching a taxi, I walk the short ten minute walk to my flat that wasn’t too far from here, a walk I had done many times in a much worse off state. 

On my walk home, I attempted to call Andrew again only to result unsuccessful. I sigh and flick to the clock app, swiping through the tens of timezones I’d added in order to keep track of what time it was wherever he was, something unique that had come with our relationship. I wondered how many were saved in his phone, or whether it was simply Dublin. Home. 

Why was home suddenly feeling so far away?

When I get home, the flat feels empty without him and I try to remind myself that I used to live here on my own before we started living together between both homes. I put my bag down on the kitchen bench and kicked my shoes off before pulling the clasp out of my hair and running my hands through my curls. I’d been thinking of cutting my hair but both Andrew and Sebastien had lovingly talked me out of it. The independent woman in me was only tempted further, though ultimately I had decided to hold off a little longer. 

I flick the kettle on for a cup of tea when my phone starts vibrating on the bench. Picking it up, my heart swells as I see his name, finally flashing on my screen. I answer and put him on speaker as I move around the kitchen. 

“Hey.” I answer softly. 

“Hi darlin’, sorry I missed your call. I was asleep.” He murmurs, his voice raspy. I closed my eyes for a moment and imagined that voice over my shoulder, wrapped around me and holding me tightly.  

“That’s okay,” I hum, “what time is it there?”

“Ehm, like three in the afternoon. Late night after the festival.” Andrew chuckles down the line, his voice slightly muffled by the sheets that surround him. I could picture him now, nestled between crisp white hotel linens. It sent my mind back to the string of shows I’d joined him on, how I had been determined to keep my distance and how I had broken that on the very first night. 

I wonder how quickly I too had decided we would be spending this life together, and whether I knew that subconsciously despite the hurt and pain that had kept us apart. 

“Oh. I’m sorry if I woke you.” I wince as I wedge the phone between my cheek and shoulder as I make a cup of tea, wishing I was making a second for him. 

“Don’t be- you didn’t- well ye did, actually. In my dream.”

I roll my eyes playfully at his cheeky attempt. “Right. Right. How are the shows going?” 

“Yeah, good. One more set and then home. Quick turn around, I’m fuckin’ exhausted.” He admits with a yawn. 

“Are you getting enough rest? I know they’re short stints, but if you’re not looking after yourself, your body will be far more fatigued than it should be.” I frown quietly. 

“Yeah, I’m alright. Don’t worry about me, love. How are you? How was the- ye had an art show tonight? Or was it last night?”

“It was tonight,” I murmur as I walk to my bedroom and carefully climb onto my bed with my tea, “I just got home.”

“Really? Let me see your face.”

I answer his invite to video call, and a few moments later my heart eases as I see his sleepy face on the screen in my hand. While still the same amount of distance from me, we now felt one step closer. 

“Hi husband.” I chuckle.

“Hi wife.” He murmurs lowly. 

I sip my tea and hold the phone back to show him my outfit. “I wore this little black dress. Remember when I wore it the night of the album release?”

A small smile tugs at his lips as he holds his phone above his face. He was laid back against the pillows in his plush hotel bed and it reminded me of his bed back in Wicklow. At that moment I wanted nothing more than to meet him there and get between his sheets. 

“Fuckin’ minx. I love that dress.” He mumbles, instantly distracted.

I laugh. “It’s tainted for me. It’ll never not be my ‘big mistake’ dress.”

Andrew chuckles. “Are you saying taking me home that night was a big mistake?”

“The biggest. Look at what’s happened as a result.” I tease lightly. 

Andrew sighs, rubbing a hand over his face. “Ah, I miss ye.”

I eye him as I sip my tea. “Mm. I miss you too. Wish you were there tonight. It was fun, but it would have been better with you by my side.”

“No dramas?”

My mind flashes back to two girls at the bar and I bite my lip. I should probably bring it up at some stage, but now that he was here with me, I wanted to make the most of it instead of getting into some debate about the situation. “No, no dramas. I was a fifth wheel is all, like. Bit lonely on my own.”

“Ah. So you missed my presence.”

I nod, pouting slightly. “Wanted my husband there.”

Andrew lets out a deep sigh. “You know what that does to me, Dia.”

I raise a brow, a little surprised yet very aware of what he was talking about. Afternoon naps often heightened his…yearning for intimacy. “I’m not allowed to miss you? A ring on my finger is nice, but I want the man that gave it to me.”

Andrew nods slowly, his hand dragging down his face to his chest, before out of the screen. “I know…I wish I was there too…”

His lower register sends a shiver down my spine and I don’t have to be a genius to figure out that he was very much drifting through a space of lust and longing. I place my tea on my nightstand before looking up at my phone. With my free hand I tug at the hem of my dress, quietly pulling it up my thigh. To be fair, it didn’t take me long either before he put me in the mood. 

“What time did you say it was there? The afternoon?”

“Yeah,” he murmurs, his eyes scanning the screen of his phone, “just woke up.”

“Ah. You said I was in your dream?” I ask in a low voice. 

“Mmhmm.” He mumbles as his arm starts to slowly move up and down, his hand out of the picture. I see. I was very much across where this was going. 

“You want to tell me about this dream?” I ask softly as I sink down into my pillows. I slid my hand underneath my dress, rubbing my fingers along the rough material of my lace underwear. 

Andrew bites down on his lower lip, his eyes tracing the movements I had made visible by tilting my screen ever so slightly. Not quite enough, but enough to hint at what kind of impact his actions were having on me. He shakes his head silently as his bicep tenses. 

“You don’t want to tell me? Do you want to…show me what you’re doing there? Do you want to show your wife?”

“My what?” He encourages in a low voice. I could tell he was trying to suppress being vocal about his pleasure, but the restraint he was showing was only building on the arousal. I knew him and I knew his body- I could tell what stage he was at in his impending orgasm because I prided myself in knowing how to get him to the peak. 

“Your wife.” I drag the word out and he closes his eyes before opening them again quickly, narrowing in on my movements as I slip my hand inside my underwear, clearly needing to catch up with him. 

“Show me what you’re doing.” He murmurs quietly. 

“Only if you show me- “

“Lidia. Show me.”

I gasp softly as I slip a finger inside of myself, biting down hard on my lip. I shake my head, my eyes firm on him. “Not until you show me- oh.”

Andrew lets out a breath, his arm moving faster as he gets himself off. He didn’t have an explicit view of me, at least not to completely finish him off so he was either referencing a past memory or he had an incredible imagination because I could all but feel the sexual tension radiating off of him through the call. 

“D-Dia…f…fuck…” he hisses quietly, closing his eyes blissfully, “I need to see you, darlin’. Show me- I want to see my wife.”

“I want to see my husband.”

“Fuck.”

“I need you to get me off, angel. Show me what you’re doing- let me help you.” I whisper breathlessly as I quicken the pace of my fingers against my core. Christ. It wasn’t going to take me very long at all but I was dripping at the thought of seeing him in the same position. He was my guy, and if I couldn’t be the one physically bringing him pleasure, I wanted to at least contribute in some way- but my body needed him just as badly. 

“F-fine. Yeah?”

I nod and we lower our screens at the same time, exposing the vulnerable moment we had fallen into. I should have known that he would be turned on from a lazy afternoon nap, and I’d had enough drinks tonight to get me in the mood, though I thought I’d squashed down the feeling on account of knowing he would not be here with me tonight. 

I suppose I hadn’t tried hard enough. Or I had, until his face had appeared on my screen. 

My eyes glaze over the explicit view of him on my phone screen, tempted to take a screenshot for later, but knowing that was something neither of us felt comfortable owning such content of the other. Not in this format, anyway. 

“Andy- oh god.” I whimper quietly, my cheeks flushed as I let slip just how much my body craved his.

“More skin- I want to see more skin.” 

I pull my dress up to my chest, baring my torso and imagining his lips and scratchy beard trailing down my stomach. Christ. This weekend couldn't come soon enough. 

“I want more- I want to see more.”

“I- “

“You have everything of me.” He utters, out of breath as he continues to pump himself. He was right, and I know I was being selfish but I was so close. I whimper as I remove my hand and quickly shove my black underwear down my thighs before returning my hand to my warmth. I moan in pleasure as the familiar feeling washes over me, and I feel the tension tighten in my abdomen. Every stolen glance to my screen moves me along further, every slither of eye contact with my husband pushes me closer and closer to the edge. 

“That’s it- that’s my wife. That’s my fuckin’ wife. F…fuck. You’re perfect, Dia. you’re mine- I love you- fuck, I fucking love you. You’re mine. You’ve always been mine.” Andrew hisses beneath his breath, his aggressive tenderness wrapping my entire body in a warmth that felt like I was melting in this bed we shared. His words doused me in a love that felt so known , so all-encompassing, it felt like a given that we would always make our way back to one another.

Of course we would. This life was only meant to be shared. That’s how we made sense. And this was how we christened that love. 

“S-so close- I’m so close, Dia.” Andrew whimpers, bringing me out of my head and back into my bedroom. Our bedroom. 

“Come for me, baby. Finish- oh- oh my god- come on baby, touch yourself for me.” I gasp as I feel myself reach my peak. 

“D-Dia- “

“Andy…Andrew- oh, oh ffffuck! Oh my- ohhh, fuck!” I try to keep my voice down, aware of the neighbours above and below me yet even more aware of the man glistening on my screen as he comes with me, somehow managing to finish without the volume I seemed to be providing enough of for the both of us. I watch him reach his orgasm, his jaw falling open yet tensing as his pleasure rolled through his body. His hand moved quickly and aggressively before he erupted, his back sinking and his hand ultimately slowing as he finished on his stomach. Fuck. He was the most attractive man I’d ever met- and not simply because of his looks, though I did find him astoundingly beautiful to look at. He was a siren, and my body responded every single time. Seeing him come undone, for me, was something else. Something sacred and trusted between us. 

We end in bated breaths and heaving chests, our comedowns in sync as we try to stabilize the erratic beating heart we now shared. His voice catches in his throat and he laughs, out of breath as he looks at me on his phone screen. 

“I…”

I blush as I fix myself up, pulling my dress down and running a hand through my hair. I eye him hungrily before he tucks himself away and rolls onto his side, wincing slightly. 

“I need to shower.” He hums after a minute or two. 

I can’t help but laugh, feeling those familiar arms wrap themselves around me, even miles apart. “I uh, I think I need to as well.”

“You’re really good at that, y’know.”

“Alright, alright.” I roll my eyes affectionately. 

“Spend a lot of time thinking about me?”

Yes. 

“No.”

“Ack, it’s okay. I’m always thinkin’ about ye.” Andrew murmurs, his tired eyes lazy as they glaze over his screen. “I miss you.”

My heart twists. I look at the rings on my fingers and I bite my lip. “I miss you too, angel.”

“Things are okay? Over there? You’re going okay?” He asks softly, combing his hair out of his face as he focuses on me. 

I nod before my mouth can tell him otherwise. We would be okay. All of this was going to blow over and we would continue living in our little bubble. Maybe next time I would go with him, if I could manage it with work, but ultimately, so long as I had him on my side, we would be okay. 

I married him for a reason, and while I don’t need a protector , I needed somebody on my team, and Andy was my teammate. He was the man to stand beside me to weather the storm. Together, we could do this. Look how much we've done already. 

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“I trust you’ll tell me, if you’re not.” He hums. “I’m here for you Dia. We do this together.” 

I nod, eyeing him affectionately. “I know.” 

“I asked to be your husband for a reason. I walk through it with you.” 

“I know.” 

“Love you, Dia.” 

I know. 

Chapter Text

A

“Now we did manage to talk the happy couple into one wedding tradition, mostly to please our darling mother…” Jon announces after dinner. “It’s time for the bride and groom’s first dance- Andy, Lidia, if you could make your way to the centre of all our attention.”

Lidia lets out a laugh as I stand and hold my hand out to her. We hadn’t wanted to do a first dance, both a bit embarrassed by the idea of everyone watching us, but my mother had asked us point blank to do it for her and Erin, and so begrudgingly, we had agreed. 

“Don’t step on my dress or I’ll trip over.” Lidia mumbles as I lead her into the small makeshift dance floor that was surrounded by the tables of our loved ones. 

“Me? How am I in trouble already?” I chuckle as I slide my hand onto her waist and she places a hand on my shoulder, her cheeks pink as our family and friends cheer us on. 

“Oh my god- I feel so awkward.” She laughs, hiding her face in my chest. 

Slowly our chosen song starts to fill the air and Mavis’ voice floods the tent. We find our footing, settling on a beginner’s version of a slow dance. We only had to last one song before everyone would join us and put us out of our misery, but I had to admit- dancing with Lidia in this setting, in this context, was sweet. 

“You look so beautiful,” I murmur into her hair, “you’re a dream, Dia.”

Her blush worsens. “Shh…”

I chuckle, kissing her head before looking down at her. It was true, she looked like a living angel. Her dress was simple, a silk gown that hugged her torso perfectly before falling like sunlight down her body. It was modest but sexy, and my height allowed me a secret view down her chest by way of the v-neckline. Which if I didn’t know her, I would say was unintentional, but I knew her. I knew her so, so well to know a detail like that was part of our own private conversation between one another on a day like today. 

Her veil was draped over her arm in an attempt to keep it out from beneath our feet, and it cascaded over her like a waterfall of heaven. When I was a younger lad, I dreamt about seeing her like this one day. During our time apart, the thought had been pinned to a board of ‘not going to happen’ and I’d had to find a way to live with that. To hold her today, in my hands and feel her, looking like this, and what that meant, was still taking its time processing in my brain. 

She looked like a bride. She was my bride. She was my wife. Lidia O’Keane was my wife. 

“This is crazy,” she murmurs softly as she runs a finger over the white flower in my blazer pocket. Her birth flower, which had sat in her bouquet alongside mine. The garden we were creating together; a little taste of the heaven we had built for ourselves. “I can’t believe- this is crazy, Andy.”

“Mm. I know. What have we done?” I tease. 

She rolls her eyes. “Probably what we had no business doing at twenty-one.”

“You reckon we would have lasted if we did get married that young?” I ask curiously as we move around the dance floor. 

“I don’t know. We both had a lot of growing to do. We might not have figured out how to do it together at that age.” She hums softly. “Things happen for a reason, y’know?”

I nod, resting my chin on the top of her head. My eyes find Conor’s and I can’t help but smile. I had a father-in-law now. She was my family. 

“I think we were meant to do it this way, Lid.”

“I’m so glad we did it this way.”

L

I turn off my alarm right as it starts ringing, hoping it didn’t wake the sleeping body behind me. After no sign of initial movement, I go to slide out of bed only for Andrew to tighten his grip around my waist and keep me in place. 

“Fuck Pilates.” He mumbles into my shoulder. 

“I’m not going to Pilates.” I whisper back to him, biting my lip in an attempt not to laugh at his morning grumpiness. 

“What time is it?” He whines quietly as he rubs his face against the back of my t-shirt. 

“Half six.”

“Where are you going at half six if not Pilates?”

“The studio.”

I hear him scoff before tightening his hold on me and pulling me into his chest. 

“Fuck off.” He mutters, burying his face in my back. 

I reach behind me and slide my hand into his hair. “Baby- “

“No. Shh. Go back to sleep.” 

“Andrew, I need to get up,” I chuckle as I start to wriggle out of his grasp. He fights me on it, wrapping a leg around my thighs for reinforcement. 

“You’re not going to work before seven. That’s fucked up.” 

“I have editing to do.” 

“Dia…”

“Andrew, I have so much work to catch up on if I’m going to be able to take a couple days off for that gala.” I try to reason with him, but bargaining with a tired and grumpy Andrew is more or less impossible. 

“I’ll drive you in if you stay in bed for another hour.” 

“I can drive myself- “ 

“I’ll make you coffee- “

“I get it from downstairs- “

“I’ll make breakfast- “

“I don’t need- “

“Lidia,” Andrew growls stubbornly into my shoulder blade, “I will go down on you in like five minutes if you just go to work at a reasonable hour and stay in bed with me.” 

I let out a laugh at his offer. “Angel, you can stay in bed. I have to go.” 

He whines childishly before loosening his grip enough for me to roll over and face him. I take his face between my hands and kiss him gently. 

“I love you. But I have to leave you.” 

Andrew sighs deeply. “Why can’t we just enjoy the morning together? Surely you don’t need to go in for seven. Christ.” 

“I told you, I have so much work this week. I need to get through it so I don’t have to work the weekend.” 

“We’re seeing my family this weekend.”

“I know, which is precisely why I need to go in early today.” I tell him tenderly as I sit up. I place a hand on his chest and he covers it with his much larger hand. 

“Can you eat breakfast, at least?” 

“I’ll get something from Matt’s. I just really need to get going, Andy.” 

He sighs and nods, pulling me back down into his chest one last time. “I’m going back to mine tonight. My dad needs my help in the garden tomorrow morning. Don’t suppose you wanna come stay?” 

I pout and press my lips to his chest. “Can’t. Sorry. But this weekend I am all yours, angel.” 

He hums in understanding before closing his eyes. I take a minute to properly wake up with him before eventually pulling myself out of bed to get ready for work. 

It’s a rush, but I manage to get out the door on time, though not without Andrew sending me off with a kiss at the door. 

When I park at our building, I shoot Julien a quick text and duck into the cafe downstairs, warmly greeted with a friendly smile from Matt, as per usual. 

“Hey, you. Earlier than normal?” He hums as he picks up two large coffee cups and starts writing mine and Julien’s initials on them. 

“Getting an earlier start,” I nod as I approach the counter, “and I am in need of breakfast. Can I please grab two toasted sandwiches? And regular coffees?” 

“You got it,” Matt nods, “hungry today?” He chuckles. 

“Ordering for two.” I muse as I pull out my phone to pay. 

Matt’s eyes widen and he looks up at me, his gaze pausing on my abdomen. 

“I mean Jules! Oh my god!” I blush, covering my face with embarrassment. 

“Oh! I was about to congratulate you.” Matt laughs, shaking his head as he rings up my order. 

I tap my phone against the machine, utterly mortified. “I am not with child, I can confirm that right now.” 

“Ack, I think you’d make a pretty good mother, Lid.” 

I send him a look as he moves to the coffee machine. “I think I’d do more damage than good.” 

“Nah, not at all. Is that on the cards anytime soon? Now that you’re all wedded up?” He asks curiously. 

I shake my head. “No, not anytime soon. I know I’ll have to think about it as I reach my mid-thirties, but we’re in no rush. Maybe one day.” 

I had thought about it. Of course I had. The day we got engaged, all I could think about was the future I had said yes to. Andrew and I were a type of love I had never experienced with anybody else. We hard parted in our youth in such a sudden and painful way, but the ten years of personal growth had developed my perspective on what I wanted for myself and my relationships. While our ‘getting back together’ was complicated, when it came to really facing the prospect of spending our lives together, amid the fear I had felt a familiarity and comfort that had been an obvious no-brainer. He still felt like home and he still felt like my safe space. 

So yes, I had thought about what it might be like to have a family with him one day. But I was very aware of the work we needed to do on us, considering how quickly we had gone from simply being together to married. 

I chat with Matt while he whips up our coffees and sandwiches before heading upstairs to the studio. It was purely an editing day today while we leased our studio to a client that Teaghan would be assisting on shoot with. 

Julien looks up from his computer as I enter the space, looking more than relieved to see me and the gifts I brought along with me. 

“Oh, thank god. I needed this.” He sighs blissfully as he sinks into his chair with his coffee. 

I place a sandwich in front of him. “Eat up, baby. We have a mountain to climb.”

“Don’t I fucking know it,” he mutters, pulling a face at me, “I signed that contract with that skincare brand I was telling you about. I need to shoot six month’s worth of content for them in a week.”

My eyes widened. “Six months?”  

“Lidia, it’s the most hectic social media strategy I’ve ever feckin’ seen. Like, the genius behind it is so brilliant it could get me to climax, but fuck is it a lot of work.” 

I scowl at his elegant phrasing. “Sometimes I wonder how you bagged such a classy woman.”

Julien smirks. “Pure sex appeal.”

“I pray for her.”

“Speaking of, how’s your tree man?”

“Andrew’s fine,” I nod as I put my bag down on my desk beside my breakfast, “he’s finally catching a break between commitments.”

“Good,” Julien muses, “he deserves it. And how’s he dealing with the drama?”

I raise a brow at him. “Drama?”

Julien looks at me. 

Sighing, I sink down into my chair and start unwrapping my sandwich. “I don’t know, I think he’s trying to shield me from as much of it as possible. But he’s on his phone a lot more.” I hum, having noticed him doom scrolling more than he usually would.

“Like you are?”

“Come on, I have a right to be. I’m being dragged through the mud. I also have a professional social media presence to maintain.” I reason as I swallow a bite of my sandwich. “His social media girl taught me how to turn off my DMs and limit my comment section.”

“He has a social media girl?”

“Yeah, she’s really good at all this stuff. She’s really sweet, like.”

“I forget you married a popstar sometimes.”

I smirk. “ Rock star, thank you.”

Julien laughs and unwraps his sandwich. “Whatever. But you’re doing okay? Not torturing yourself?”

I sigh and shrug it off. “It’s hard to ignore it, Jules.”

“I know. But let us shield you from what we can. It’ll be a lot easier for you to manage if you allow us to look out for you.” He tells me gently, a tenderness to his urgency. He was right and I knew that. While I had grown comfortable accepting Julien’s protectiveness toward me and our friendship, relying on my husband for support was a new thing. Relying on Andrew as a partner in this space had been a new thing. But part of my promise in marrying him was agreeing we would walk through things together. I wouldn’t leave when I was upset or hurt, and I would be honest and open with my feelings when something was wrong. That was something I was still working on. 

“They’re just so… loud sometimes.” I admit quietly, looking at him between our screens. 

Julien pouts and reaches across our desks for my hand. “I know. But just remember where you are. Surrounded by people that love you. You married the love of your life for a reason. This chaos is temporary, the love you share…well, I think that’s pretty fucking legit, Lidia.”

I squeeze his hand and look at the rings that it had collected. He was right. Ugh, he was right. I nod and blow him a kiss before we settle into editing mode. My phone sits taunting me on my desk beside me, but I manage to keep my fingers busy on my mouse and keyboard as I move through my work, ignoring the urges to pick it up and open Instagram. The limiting of comment sections and closing of the DMs had helped, but there were still accounts screenshotting photos and starting their own comment sections, still accounts tagging me in conversations I didn’t want to be part of, and that was difficult to ignore. 

But I was doing my best. I was happy, and I was focusing on my work and my relationship. It was fine. It was okay. I was okay. 

Sometimes you just have to say it a couple times until you believe it. 

A

“We can just walk in.”

“No, it’s not polite.”

“It’s my house.”

“It’s your parents’ house. Just wait. Look at me, let me fix your collar.”

I scowl dramatically and look down at Lidia, allowing her to adjust the collar of my green linen shirt. She looked sweet in a pale blue sundress, her curly blonde hair pushed back behind her shoulders and granting me the privilege of a very inviting neckline- 

“Stop looking at my tits.”

My eyes meet hers, noting the smirk on her pink lips. 

“You’re the one with the plunging neckline.”

Now it was Lidia’s turn to scowl. 

“It’s not plunging, arsehole,” she mutters as she adjusts the v-neck of her dress. It wasn’t plunging, but it was low enough that from my height, I got a good view of the assets my wife brought to the table. “Is it inappropriate for a family barbeque?”

I chuckle and shake my head before leaning down to kiss her forehead. “No. It’s fine- you look gorgeous.”

“Yeah, yeah,” she mumbles before adjusting it anyway and turning back to the front door, “you look nice- I like this sage green on you.”

“You’re saying that because you bought it.”

Lidia nods. “Correct. I married you so I could dress you, Andy.”

I let out a laugh before turning back to the door. We had knocked almost five minutes ago and there had still been no answer. I roll my eyes and grip her hand. “Fuck it, we’re going through the back gate.”

“Andy- “

“It’s my house!”

I pull her around the side of the house to the backgate that I manage to push open with my foot. My hands were full of a bottle of whiskey and my wife, and little patience to be waiting on the doorstep. As expected, my wider family are scattered around the back garden and patio, too busy chatting and filling the air with laughter, music and conversation to have heard us knocking and waiting politely at the front door. 

“Andy! Lidia! You’re here!” 

I beam and let go of Lidia’s hand as we approach my mother, who greets us both with tight hugs. “Hi mammy.” I chuckle. 

“Hi darlin’, how are ye? Well? Oh, I like this shirt. This is a nice colour on you, honey.” She smiles as I pull back. 

“Thanks. My wife dressed me.” I smirk. 

Mam beams and pulls Lidia into a hug. “Well done. That’s all I wanted.”

Lidia laughs and kisses her cheek. “Mission complete. How are you? I missed you.”

“Oh, I’m well, pet. Busy cooking and running around, but I’m well. You both look healthy.”

“Are you saying we’ve put on weight, ma?” I chuckle as I snake an arm around Lidia’s waist. 

My mother tuts, waving me off. “If anything, you’ve lost some. You’re looking very strong and fit, Andy.”

Lidia beams and squeezes my bicep. “He’s been to the gym with me- he has muscles now, feel.”

Before I can ward them off, my mother feels my bicep and her eyes widen. I’m a little offended she’s so surprised, as though it was a miracle I could have gained any muscle at all. 

“Wow. Next thing you know, you’ll have a six pack.”

“He’s getting there- show your mam- “

“Lidia, shut up.” I laugh as I wrap my arms around her, knowing she was winding me up, likely getting me back for the plunging neckline comment. “I’m being forced into the gym, ma. I’m wasting away.”

“Ack, you’re barely wasting away,” she tuts, shaking her head and sending Lidia a look, “about time you got some regular exercise into him. Now, drinks are in the fridge, snacks are on the table and we’re eating shortly. You know the drill.”

Lidia smiles and nods. “Can I help you in the kitchen- “

“Absolutely not. Now get a wine and relax.”

I laugh at Lidia’s pout, knowing she wasn’t going to win against my mother. She shoots us a wink before tending to her hosting duties. I look down at Lidia and try my best to look at her eyes instead of her chest.

“Can I get you…a wine?”

“Are you not cracking open the whiskey?” She challenges me with a raised brow. 

“Figured I’d have a beer first.” I chuckle. 

Sighing dramatically, she nods. “Fine, I guess I should start light too. I’m allowing myself two drinks for the afternoon. You’re off duty. Go crazy.”

I grin at her and peck her cheek. “You got smashed at the last event- “

“I did not get smashed.”

“Either way, it’s your turn to drive.”

“I’m pretty sure you said in your vows- “

“Red or white?”

“Fine. White please, darling.”

I kiss her sweetly on the lips before heading inside to fetch her a drink. I store the whiskey in the cupboard above the fridge for safekeeping before going to the drinks’ fridge to steal a beer and grab the first bottle of white I see that was opened. 

“Hey mate, how’s it going?” 

I look up as I retrieve a wine glass, grinning as my brother enters the kitchen with his wife Sarah behind him. “Yeah, good. How are ya?” I greet them both with a hug once I finish pouring the wine. Jon cracks open my beer for me and we clink our bottles together before taking a sip. 

“Yeah, not bad. Where’s the Mrs?” Jon asks. 

“Outside. Just getting her a drink. What’s new?” I ask them. 

“We’re going away tomorrow for our belated honeymoon.” Sarah smiles excitedly. “A week in Paris.”

“Ah, of course,” I nod, rubbing my jaw. Jon and Sarah had married a couple weeks after Lidia and I had. They had always planned to get married on their chosen date, whereas Lidia and I had surprised everyone with ours. We hadn’t thought about the date of their wedding when we’d sent the invitations out to everybody and I did feel a little bad the moment I realised we’d cut in before them and had our day before theirs. My parents couldn’t be more thrilled that both their sons were now happily married, but I know Jon was still apprehensive about Lidia, despite the multiple conversations he and I had had. Sarah, on the other hand, could care less about when we had our wedding. She was just happy to have a sister-in-law and to finally be married to the love of her life. 

“I’m so excited, I can’t wait. I’m driving Jon mad by counting down the hours.” She grins, leaning into his side. 

“Ask her how many hours, mate.” 

I laugh. “I think I’m good.”

“And how are things going with you two?” Sarah asks as she glances outside to look for Lidia. 

“Well,” I nod, “very well. She’s been busy with work, I’ve had a few commitments, but this year is pretty relaxed for me. It’s been nice. I can’t complain.”

“Saw there was a bit of commotion online.” Jon hums, raising a brow at me. 

I roll my eyes, a little embarrassed. “Eh, it’s fine. It’ll blow over.”

“Oh, I saw that,” Sarah frowns, nodding sympathetically, “how’s Lidia doing? There’s been some nasty things said about her. I can’t imagine she’s very happy about that.”

Wincing, I look outside for her and spot my wife chatting up a storm with my father at the table. “She’s doing okay. I think she’s putting on a brave face. More than anything we’re just a bit gutted that our privacy has been taken away from us. I’d gotten used to our bubble.” I chuckle painfully as I rub my jaw. 

“It’s a shame,” Sarah nods in agreement as she sips her wine, “that’s why this first year is so important, Andy. How you show up for one another during all of this will set you up for the rest of your marriage.”

“Especially how she shows up for you.” Jon murmurs. 

I frown. “What are you trying to say?”

“She’s a runner, mate.”

Sarah scowls, squeezing Jon’s arm. “Jon. Don’t say that.”

“Tell me it’s not true.”

“Say that again.” I warn him. 

Jon rolls his eyes. “Come on- “

“Jon,” Sarah snaps, “Lidia had her reasons. It’s not your business to comment on- Andy, I’m sorry. Ignore him. I’m just trying to say that communication is important. And that we’re both here for you guys however you need.” 

I nod, pulling my eyes away from my brother. “I appreciate that, Sarah. Thank you.”

“Of course,” she smiles softly. “I’m going to go find your wife. Jon- be nice. Christ.” She scowls before slipping away onto the back patio. 

I look at him and wait for an apology I know I won’t get. Instead, he simply looks at me blankly. 

“You said you’d be supportive of us.”

“I am. But I’m also a realist.” He says as he sips his beer. 

I roll my eyes. “You’re being a dick, is what you are.” 

“What, because I can see her patterns?” 

“Because you can’t give her a chance. You’re calling me a fool. I know her more than anyone does, and she might have taken a chance in marrying me, but she put some thought behind it enough to commit to weathering the feckin’ storm.” I snap.

Jon sips his beer. “I didn’t call you a fool.”

“You’re such a prick- “

“Oi, you’re the one calling me all these names, mate. All I said was- “

“You’re implying- “

“I’m implying that while I am happy for you and Lidia finding each other and finding happiness together, she’s repeatedly left when times got tough between the two of you. And you’ve always ended up hurt. That’s all I’m saying. And I’ve seen the bullshit online and that has to be enough to drive anyone away. Not that it’s your fault, of course, it’s out of your control. I just don’t want to see you hurt for something you can’t control.” He stresses. 

I bite my tongue. People had left me in the past because of the external pressures, or the burden of my career. And I had never complained or vented to anybody about it but my brother. Because I understood why it would scare some people away, even though it meant I solely wasn’t enough to keep them around. That hurt. Of course it fucking did. But I wouldn’t force somebody to stay with me. I would never be that selfish. 

But Lidia…I think I might really be selfish when it comes to her. 

“There was fault on my side too when we split up.”

“Whatever, we don’t have to go down that path,” Jon sighs, waving it off, “look mate, I want the best for you two and I’ve made an effort in welcoming her into the family since you got married, you know I have. But…you’re my brother before she’s my sister-in-law. And that’ll always be the case.”

I sigh. “I know, man.”

“And what Sarah said stands- if you two ever need anything, just let us know. This is tough, and I’m sorry you had your privacy breached.”

“Well, I forgot to take my feckin’ ring off, it’s kind of my fault.” I laugh painfully. 

Jon laughs, wincing. “I saw that. Rookie mistake. Things are okay, though?”

“Yeah…we’ll be okay. It’s just going to be a little rough for a bit. But we’re talking about it, communicating. Making an effort.”

“Good, man. Because if you don’t have communication…you’ve got nothing.”

Didn’t I know it. 

L 

I sip my wine, finishing off the last of it as I spoke with Sarah and Aisling, one of Andrew’s cousins. We’d been separated since we got here, being pulled in different directions as we caught up with everyone. I didn’t mind though, because I got on well with Andrew’s family and some of them I had known when we were together in our twenties. Most of them had also been at the wedding in Sligo, and despite the quick turn around of our engagement, they had all been pretty supportive and loving toward our decision. 

“I’m going to refill my drink, I’ll be back.” I tell the girls before slipping out of the conversation and making my way toward the house to the kitchen. I stop by Andrew as he stands with his cousins, uncles and brother on the other side of the yard. He leans back as I squeeze his arm and nod toward his empty beer bottle. “Refill?”

He looks at me with a slight sheen to his eyes, telling me he was experiencing a happy buzz. Sliding an arm around my waist, he pulls me into his side. “Please.”

“Whiskey or another beer?”

“Mm…another beer, love. Help yourself to the whiskey, though.” He murmurs in my ear.

“Oh, I will. Don’t worry,” I chuckle as he kisses the skin behind my ear, “you having fun?”

“I might have had a wee puff…”

I can’t help but laugh and place a hand on his chest. “Great.”

“Oi, there she is! Andy’s 90-Day bride!”

Andrew scowls at his cousin Gavin. “Hey, she’s my mail order bride. I get to keep her. I don’t have to send her back.”

I roll my eyes at their childish humour. He really did turn back into a kid when he was around his cousins, especially when they were on the piss. “I’ll have you know, I’m the one keeping him.”

“Oh, we know you wear the pants, Lidia,” Harry, another of his cousins, smirks, “don’t have to tell us twice.”

I raise a brow at my mail order husband. “What are you telling them?”

“Lies.” Andrew smirks as he tightens his grip on me. 

“Yeah, sounds about right,” I scoff, plucking his empty beer bottle from his hands, “I’d ask if the lot of you need another drink but I didn’t marry you so your alcoholism is not mine to manage.” I tease smugly before patting Andrew’s hands for him to let me go. He does, and I squeeze his bicep as I leave the circle to make my way back into the house, not without catcalls and laughter from his cousins. 

“Fuck off, that’s my wife.”

“Yeah mate, not sure how. You’re punching for sure.”

I chuckle to myself as I head inside, making my way to the kitchen where I throw Andrew’s bottle into the recycling. Lorraine’s sisters Maria and Tracy look up at me as they move about tidying and filling the dishwasher. 

“Oh, hello pet. Done with that glass?” Maria asks as she holds her hand out. 

I look at my empty wine glass before up at her with a smile. “Thank you.” I nod, handing it to her before locating a whiskey glass. “Wonderful lunch today, thank you.” 

“Oh, you know we love when the family gets together,” Maria beams, looking across at Tracy, “especially all you young ones. It’s so rare to have you all together at the same time.”

“I think the last time was Jon and Sarah’s wedding.” I nod in agreement as I retrieve Andrew’s stashed bottle of whiskey. “Before that, ours.”

“Aye, you’re right,” Tracy nods, “I suppose we only met you just before that. How time flies, hm? And how are you two navigating newlywed bliss?”

I tell myself she only has the best intentions and skip over her comment about only having just met. I mean, she wasn’t wrong about that. At Christmas Andrew had only just introduced me, and then the next time I saw most of his family was at our wedding. 

“We’re going well,” I smile softly, now used to this question, “he’s a wonderful husband.”

“That’s good- he’s a good lad. We always said whoever he picks will be lucky to have him, isn’t that right, Maria?” Tracy nods to her sister. 

Maria nods. “That’s right. He’s just a lovely man.”

“I’m very lucky.”

“And what about children? Have you decided when you want to start trying for a baby, yet?”

My eyes widen slightly as they both stare at me expectantly. The comment throws me off guard though I suppose I should have expected it from Andrew’s more traditional family members, despite Lorraine being nothing of the type. 

“I…uh, we haven’t- we’re not quite ready for that.”

Tracy chuckles. “Nobody is ever quite ready, hen. You’ll want to start the prenatal vitamins, though. And…perhaps cut back on the drink. You don’t want to be drinking when you could be pregnant.”

“I-I’m not pregnant.”

“No, but if you’re trying- “

“We’re not,” I shake my head quickly, my hand tightly wrapped around the bottle of whiskey in front of me, “we’re not trying for a baby- we’re not having a baby for at least a few years.”

“A few years? He’s getting on, love, and so are you,” Maria points out, “you’ll not want to leave it too long now, or you’ll struggle to fall pregnant later on.”

“I’m only thirty- “

“And besides, why would you get married if you weren’t ready for children?”

I’m a little surprised by how forward the question is and I wonder if this is what they had been waiting to ask since they heard we were engaged. I hadn’t thought about the fact that the news of Andrew’s engagement to his family might have been followed up with a seemingly common ‘to who?’

“Why…why did we get married?” I repeat, wondering if their curious eyes were really expecting me to answer that. 

Maria nods. “Jon says you’re not living together either. It’s just…a unique way of doing things.”

“He…we wanted to get married. Because…we love each other. I wanted to marry him.” So I did. “He’s the love of my life.”

“But you don’t want to have a baby with him? You know he would make a wonderful father.”

“I do one day, but- “

“I suppose it’s better if they’re living together first.” Tracy pipes up, sending a look to her sister with a chuckle. Okay. Ouch. 

I focus on pouring my glass of whiskey before replacing the lid. I didn’t know how to get out of the corner I’d been pushed into and wondered if it would be rude to simply leave the room. 

“Andrew and I are happy in our relationship. Where we are is a good place and when- if we decide we want to have a baby, it’ll be when it works for us.” I state, desperately searching for my confidence on the topic. 

“You’re quite career driven, he says.”

“Who said that?” I frown. Jon?

“Andrew. Said you’re very busy with your job- you know love, he’s quite a successful provider. You really could pack it in and have a baby for him.”

Excuse me?

“Who’s having a baby?”

I look up as Jon’s voice floats into the kitchen, an empty beer in his hand. 

“Oh, we’re just talking about how Andrew and Lidia ought to think about having a baby soon. After all, it makes sense. They got married- “

“Ack, that’s not the only reason people get married now, Aunty Maria,” Jon chuckles, eyeing me and clearly sensing that this conversation made me uncomfortable. “Right, Lid?”

I shake my head quickly. “We’ll decide that when we’re ready.”

Jon nods as he opens the fridge and pulls out two beers, handing me one. “Besides, Andy’s on a break now but I’m sure work will get busy soon enough. Speaking of, he’s waiting on you, love.” He hums, before nodding to the door and sending me a look that reads save yourself. 

I look to him gratefully, taking the beer and picking up my glass. “I should go find him. Thanks. Lovely to talk again.” I nod to his aunts before I get the hell out of there, trying to calm my inner feminist rage. This was the family I married into- I had to find a way to navigate even those that had different views from me. If not myself, for Andrew. 

“Dia!”

I paint a smile across my face as I approach him on the lawn. Most of his cousins had disappeared and Andrew was situated in a lawn chair, chatting with his dad and some of his uncles. He was still very bubbly and happily buzzed, though with the absence of his younger family members the conversation had definitely mellowed. I hand him his beer and squeeze his shoulder as I stand beside him. 

“Hi, sorry. Got caught in the kitchen with Maria and Tracy.”

“Oh, I hope they weren’t giving you a hard time,” John winces, sending me an apologetic look, “they were on Sarah’s case about starting a family earlier.”

Okay, so I wasn’t special. 

“Ah, they’ll be popping one out soon, surely.” Andrew’s Uncle Liam chuckles. 

“Well, they do want a big family, so I believe they’ll get onto it soon,” John nods, “I know she’s excited to be a mother.”

I offer a small smile as Andrew places a hand on my side. “They might have asked me.”

“Were they nice?” Andrew asks, narrowing his eyes at me and likely sensing I was a little off. 

“Said you would be a wonderful father, they did.” I chuckle awkwardly. “I might go find Sarah, I want to hear more about their trip to Paris.”

Andrew squeezes my hand, sending me an are you okay? As the conversation carried on around us. 

I nod reassuringly and shoot him a wink before I leave them and head off in search of conversation that wasn’t with drunk men or insistent aunts. 

I suppose this was the side of being a wife I hadn’t expected. 

A

She’s pissy, I can tell. And it’s not because I’m buzzed. She said she was happy to drive. She got trollied at the last thing we went to and I was more than happy to drive. So it’s not the fact that I’ve put away seven beers and two whiskeys. Or was it three whiskeys? Maybe it was three. Either way, she’s quiet in the driver’s seat beside me and not even my very reassuring hand on her thigh was warming her up. I try sliding it higher up her thigh to see if she just wanted me to get her off on the way home, but she brushes me away and tells me she’s trying to focus on the road. I keep my hands to myself, then. 

When we get home, I follow her inside before collapsing on the couch, letting my head spin as I lay there with my thoughts. She looked so pretty today. And her tits did look incredible in that neckline. Almost as good as her smile when she told me to fuck off for staring at her- I love her smile. I had since she first looked at me in music performance class. She had been a girl then, now a woman who had chosen to live her life alongside mine. And I loved her for it. My lover girl. How soft she had become since leaning into this big thing between us that we couldn’t ignore. She was still hard edged and independent, but she was mushy inside for me, I knew it. I could see it in the way she did little things for me when she thought I wouldn’t notice. The way she booked my hair appointments or ordered a certain type of skincare for me online because it helped with whatever was wrong with my skin in the first place. 

She filed my nails for me to help me with guitar and she made me tea most mornings. She sprayed our bedrooms with this spray for the sheets and it felt like she was here even when she was staying in the city or I was in the city and she was here. She brought me lunch in the studio sometimes and she was really good friends with Alex again. She tried with Jon and she called my parents during the week to check in on them. She brought in the washing when I would forget about it for days because of course I fucking forget about it. She dusted the awards I’d kept hidden in my home studio because I was embarrassed about them and neglected them. She made my house feel like a home just by being in it. She made my heart feel whole again just by being loved by hers. She loved me. She loved me she loved me she loved me. 

“Andy?”

My eyes flicker up as she walks into the room and takes my whole breath with her. 

“Hi.”

She gives me a soft smile, the one I remember from music performance class the first time I saw her. My girl. My woman- my wife. My Dia. 

She sits beside me on the couch and presses her cool hand to my cheek, putting a stop to the spinning. “You okay?” 

I nod. “You’re quiet.”

She chuckles at my bluntness, a result of my intoxication. “Eh, just tired. There were so many more people there than I was expecting.”

“Did somebody say something?” I frown quietly. “Are you upset?”

Lidia shakes her head with a small smile. “I’m not upset. I just…I don’t know, it’s silly.”

“It’s not. What’s wrong? Was it Jon?” 

“No, no. I just…your aunts wanted to know about babies and us living together and the usual,” she hums, sending me a look before waving it off, “felt a little bit cornered, but they’re just looking out for you. Anyway, I was going to run you a bath but even a shower seems like too much of an effort. You want to come upstairs to bed with me?”

I want to ask her more but my brain is full of bubbles and I know I’ll be no help to her right now anyway. I make a mental note to talk to her about it tomorrow when I’m sober and pray to God I actually remember. I look at her pretty little face and wonder if the halo of light above her head is real or if it was eight beers instead of seven that I put away. 

I nod. “Please. But…ehm…”

“Ye need help up the stairs?”

I nod again, wincing. 

Lidia laughs, releasing little songbirds from within her throat. I’m not kidding, I can see them. 

“Come on, love. Let’s go to bed.”

L

I wake up the following morning to an empty bed. Sliding my hand out into the space beside me, the mattress is cold enough to indicate that he had been awake for a little while now and the sound floating from downstairs told me he was in the kitchen. I suppose it was better than finding him with his head in the toilet. 

I try to fall back to sleep to make the most of this lazy Sunday as I could, but soon enough I can smell the strong scent of hot coffee and bacon wafting upstairs and give in. Reaching around for a hoodie of his to pull over my little satin slip dress, I tug it on and head downstairs, slowing my steps to the kitchen as I hear him on the phone, curious about who he was talking to so early in the morning. 

“They shouldn’t have cornered her like that. We don’t have to justify anything…I know, I know they’re just…I know…but they upset my wife. I don’t care if they’re traditional or stuck in their ways, ma. Lidia is family and she deserves to be welcomed,” Andrew murmurs down the line, sending my stomach into a spin with guilt. I hadn’t thought I’d come across upset nor that he’d remember any of what was said last night. “I know you know that, but someone needs to tell them . Mm. Thank you. If they have questions they can talk to me, or better yet…yeah, I know. I know. She deserved better than that.”

I chose that moment to enter the kitchen, startling him slightly as he stood over the pan on the cook top, flipping bacon with a pair of tongs. He sighs and mouths an I’m sorry, sensing I’d heard his conversation. 

I roll my eyes and walk over to him, wrapping an arm around his waist and taking the tongs to take over while he speaks on the phone. 

“I know, I appreciate it. Okay. Thank you. Yeah, if you could. Okay. Okay, love you, I’ll be round for dinner during the week. Okay. Alright, bye.” Andrew hangs up and sighs, wrapping one arm around me and dragging a hand over his tired face. 

“You’re up early,” I murmur, focusing on the crispy, fatty bacon and trying not to salivate as I stare it down. “Thought you’d be hung over.”

“I am,” he chuckles painfully, “but I need food.”

“I’ll make you a bacon sandwich. Go back to bed.”

“I’m okay.” He hums quietly, his mind ticking. 

I nod, not wanting to have the conversation and silently praying he would continue making coffee and forget about it. For a moment I think he might just do that as he stands beside me, slowly waking up alongside me. 

“My ideal time to have a baby is when I’m properly switched off from work and when you feel it is right for your body and your career.” 

Okay I guess we were talking about it. 

I sigh. “Andy…”

“There’s no pressure to have a baby just because we’re married. It’s important we don’t rush this, Dia. I don’t want you thinking their opinion is my opinion.” He states. 

“I know that,” I nod as I put the tongs down and turn to him. “I know. I wish you didn’t call your mother- “

“They shouldn’t have cornered you like that, and I’m sorry I wasn’t there to intervene.” Andrew stresses. 

I shake my head. “I didn’t need you to be there. I don’t feel pressured to have a baby, and I’m okay. Thank you for doing that, but it’s okay. I don’t need protection from your family.” 

He sighs, shaking his head as he wraps both arms around me. “I’m sorry they did that to you.”

I rub his back in reassurance as we take a moment. Resting my forehead to his chest, I press my lips to the fabric of his t-shirt and hum. 

“It’s okay. I dealt with it.” 

“Mm.”

I look up at him. “That’s my ideal time too, by the way?”

Andrew looks down at me, his eyes lingering over my face. “Hm?”

“That’s my ideal time too. To have a baby. When our careers have settled a little and my body is ready. Right now…I don’t feel that’s the case.” 

“I already knew we were on the same page, but I felt it was important to say it out loud.” Andrew admits quietly. 

I nod. “I appreciate it. I love you.”

A small smile tugs at his lips and he kisses my forehead. 

“Besides, we’ve only been together for like…a year. Let’s not rush things.” 

Andrew lets out a laugh before wincing, placing a hand on his head. Ah yes, there were those eight beers coming back to haunt him. 

“Okay, go finish the coffee and pass out on the couch. I’ll make you breakfast.” I chuckle, rubbing his back before letting go of him. 

Obliging, Andrew lets out a grateful sigh. “One day we’ll make good parents. We’ve got time.”

I nod in agreement as I refocus on the sizzling pan in front of me. “Agreed. We’ve got plenty of time.”

“Dia?”

I look up to find him looking at me with adoration heavy in his eyes. “Mm?”

“I love you, darlin’.”

I bite my lip, that familiar feeling like a heavy impact on my chest. 

“Love you too, Andy.”

Home. Home. Home.

Chapter Text

“What about this one?”

Zara sits back and tilts her head to the side as she observes me carefully. She takes a sip of her champagne and shakes her head. “Too much boob.”

I look down at the corset bodice squeezing my chest and nod before looking back up at her. “You’re right. I want something sexy but still classy. Do you think that exists? Like I want to feel…”

“Sensual?” She offers. 

I nod, sliding my hands over the tightly fitted dress. “I want a dress I can wear in front of my father, and my boyfriend.”

“Husband.”

“Right, husband.” I nod, blushing slightly. 

Zara beams, standing from the plush velvet couch in the large fitting room and walking over to me as I stood on a small podium in front of a wall of mirrors. “You’re getting married, Lid.”

My expression softens and I take her hand in mine. “I know- is it insane?”

She chuckles, her eyes watering. We’d been a nightmare, the pair of us. As the date of my wedding to Andrew grew closer, I got more and more emotional every time we mentioned it. Mostly because our history and our youth added an extra layer of emotion to the situation, and the absence of my mother on such a big day gave a depth to my tender little heart that I didn’t know was possible. I think Zara understood this, and she could see me softening after years of living within such a hard shell. That, and she had been so incredibly supportive the entire time. 

“Yes, but in the best way possible.”

I chuckle, wiping my eyes before I turn back to the mirror. “You’re right, too much chest going on.”

“I mean, he might like that, but you have to think about your da.” 

I nod, and gather the skirt as I step down from the podium. “There’s one more I want to try.” 

I head back into the change room and get out of the dress, placing it back on the hanger before I pick up the last dress I’d picked out. It was a simple yet stunning silk number with a deep v-neck that hugged my figure before flowing into an understated yet chic skirt. I slipped it on and it fit like a glove. Immediately it just felt right. 

“Get your arse out here! I want to see my bride!” 

I laugh at Julien’s voice from outside. “You finally arrived, huh?” 

“I picked up my suit! Had to get something off the rack though because they didn’t have time for alterations given the time frame.” 

I open the curtain and step out, noting his suit bag draped on the couch behind him. “How did Andy look? Did his suit fit?” 

Julien’s jaw drops. “What- sorry- fuck.” 

I frown. “Is it bad?” 

“Oh my god- Lidia, you’re actually a bride.” Zara murmurs. 

“Fuck. You’re getting married.” Julien mumbles. “You’re a…bride.” 

I turn and look at myself in the mirror, catching myself off guard. The dress fit perfectly. It was flattering in all the right spots, and it was the perfect blend of classy and sexy. 

“Fuck Andrew, we should get married.” Julien states. 

Zara scowls. “Fuck off, me first.” 

I let out a laugh. “Thanks, guys.” 

Julien steps onto the podium behind me and gathers my hair in a low bun. “Imagine this with your mother’s veil.” 

My eyes well up and I laugh as I cover my face. “Shut up.” 

He chuckles and wraps his arms around me. “You look beautiful, baby. This is the one. You look stunning.” 

“He’s right, Lid,” Zara nods as she stands on my other side. “It’s perfect. It’ll look perfect with the florals.”

Julien looks at her. “Did you finalise the flowers?” 

“Yes. They’re perfect.” 

“And my corsage matches?” Julien presses. 

“Duh.” 

“I’m the maid of honor, it has to be perfect.” 

“I know, arsehole.” 

“Do you think Andy will like it?” I ask quietly as I run my hands down my sides, breaking up their bickering. 

Julien looks at me. “He said, ‘Dia could wear anything and she’d look perfect’. Word for word.” 

A pout tugs at my lips. 

“I told him that’s sweet but women don't spend years of their lives dreaming about their wedding dress for a man to say they could wear ‘anything’, but he was on the right track.” 

I laugh and wipe my misty eyes. “How did he look? How did his tux fit? Did he go for the tux or the suit? He was looking at a double breasted suit at one stage.” 

“The tux. Much classier. The suit swallowed him up. The tux fit his shoulders better.” Julien nods as fiddles with the material on my shoulder. “Don’t worry, I took care of it.” 

“Thanks, angel.” I chuckle, squeezing his hand before I turn to them. “Well. I think this is the one, guys.” 

Zara claps her hands together. “You’re getting married! You’re a bride!” 

Now that was a terrifying thought. 

@andrewsshrike: I’m convinced it’s a shotgun marriage. There’s no pics anywhere of it online. Like, none. Probably went to a town hall last minute

@unrealuncoordinated: surely those records are public 👀

@putmebackinit: they’re not. Already looked :( 

@seasonofthebees: okay what we’re NOT going to do is violate their privacy and go hunting for wedding details. If they wanted to share, they would have by now 

@putmebackinit: lol imagine being so embarrassed you got married that you tried to hide it 

@tay4963: I mean, I’d be embarrassed I married some cringe photographer 

@unrealuncoordinated: okay but she seems REALLY close with her coworker ?? I’d be pissed if my husband was that close with their colleague??

@dantesclubhouse: it’s not that deep ya’ll 👍🏼

A

She was in a mood. A pissy one. She wasn’t eating enough or getting enough sleep but I knew if I asked her if she was drinking enough water she’d get even more pissed off with me. 

She’d been working too much and skipping meals. She hadn’t been to Pilates or yoga or some form of exercise class and I know that was a special kind of release for her, especially when she was feeling out of sorts. She wasn’t looking after herself and it didn’t take a genius to work that out. 

Her hair had started falling out a lot more than it usually did and she looked a lot thinner than normal. For somebody who was already lean, she didn’t have a whole lot of weight to lose. I was borderline concerned for her health, especially considering how young her mother was when she got sick. Lidia was still a good twenty or so years younger, but that didn’t mean she was invincible. 

At first I thought she was pregnant, but I saw her take the contraceptive pill every morning, and there had been no other signs alluding to pregnancy. She’d missed a period, but had put it down to stress from her work once she’d done a pregnancy test to be sure. She then got it three weeks later, so that had crossed that concern off the board. 

I knew she was still looking at the shite online, even though she told me that was not the case. I didn’t believe her, of course. She was a horrible liar. 

So, this morning was tense. She’d slept terribly and everything I did annoyed her. I’d snapped at her and her shitty mood and she’d soured and given me the cold shoulder. I tried not to push her but our egos were far too big for this flat so early in the day.

She moves around me quickly in the kitchen as she makes a coffee to go, having cancelled the plans we had to go get breakfast together at the cafe under her studio due to our bickering. 

I move in front of the fridge at the same time she goes to open it and I hear her sigh in annoyance as she stands back, clenching her fists. 

I step back and she waves at me to go. “No, you go. You’re clearly in a rush, like.” 

Her jaw tenses. “I’ve only got to go to work, like.” 

“It’s seven in the morning. You don’t have to go in early- “

“I have work to get done. I’m taking a long weekend to go to this gala and I had to rearrange a shoot for it- “

“Well if it was such an ask, I wouldn’t have- “

“Oh, so now you don’t want me there?! I’m literally going dress shopping on my lunch break for you!” She scoffs, shooting me a glare as we argue in front of the fridge. 

“I didn’t ask you to do that!”

“I don’t have gala dresses, I only have cocktail dresses- “

“There’ll be cocktails.”

She stares at me in disbelief before she shakes her head, muttering under her breath as she opens the fridge and turns her back to me. I roll my eyes and grab my wallet from the bench. Pulling my card out, I held it out to her. 

Lidia grabs the milk and turns, shutting the fridge angrily behind her. She pauses when she sees my card and her eyes widen. 

“Fuck you.” 

“What- oh, now I’m- “

“I can’t believe you’re so tone deaf!” She snaps before slamming the milk down on the bench. “Y’know what, I’ll grab coffee on the way. I need to get out of here.”

“Lidia- “

Waving me off, she grabs her bag and slings it over her shoulder. “Leave me alone, Andrew.”

“Lidia, come on.” I sigh, annoyed. I don’t even know what we were fighting about. All I know is that when I woke up miles too early, she was on her phone, aggressively scrolling. After that, I’d tried to get close to her and she hadn't been in the mood, which was fine, but when I’d asked her what was wrong, she’d snapped. And being the first thing in the morning, I’d snapped back. Then I’d made the mistake of mentioning how tired I was and she took it personally that she was forcing me to breakfast against my will. 

I just thought my husband might want to spend time with me in the morning. 

And I’d gotten out of bed, but apparently the way in which I’d done it had triggered her. My yawn had triggered her. I knew it wasn’t personal, but she was being stubborn and I was being just as sensitive. We were both at fault for our shitty attitude, but she more so. 

I’m sure she’d say the same thing as me, though. 

“Just- I need to leave.” She snaps before leaving the flat, shutting the front door behind her forcefully. 

Fuck sake. 

L

I let the front door slam behind me and pause on the doorstep. A deep, guilty sigh fills my chest and I cover my face with my hands. Don’t leave things like that. Not with him. I drop my bag by my feet before turning around and going back inside. Andrew’s still in the kitchen, hands on his hips as he looks around the room, his way of taking a moment to pull himself together. He looks up and eyes me wearily, though his expression is unimpressed. 

I walk over to him guiltily and place a hand gently on his chest. His heart is racing, most likely with anger. 

“I’m sorry,” I whisper, “I didn’t mean that.”

“I know.”

“You don’t deserve that.”

“I know.”

“I’m just stressed.”

“Mm.”

“But it’s not an excuse. I just don’t know where to put the stress. I’m a bit buried beneath it.” I admit quietly as I look at my feet. 

Andrew sighs. “Why can’t you ask me for help?” He murmurs before he wraps his arm around me to crush me against his chest. 

“Because I’m stubborn and independent to a fault.” 

He laughs in disbelief, the exhaustion clear in his demeanour. “And an arsehole.”

“That too.” I mumble in agreement. I’d let my mood get to me, all because I’d slept like shit and spent most of the early hours of the morning online filling my brain and body with negativity. And that wasn’t his fault. 

But I was so angry about our privacy being invaded. And I didn’t know what to do with that anger. So I took it out on myself, with the work and the shitty, tiresome routine. And now it is affecting us. 

“You’re burning out. Take some time off, Lidia.” He stresses softly. 

“I can’t, Andrew. My schedule is full. The time I’m taking is as much as I can manage right now.” I sigh. 

“Because of money- “

“No, not because of money. Because…because of the success of our business.” I murmur quietly. “I don’t want to give up my work right now.”

He nods, biting his lip. “Okay. Okay, I won’t ask you to. I’m just concerned, is all.”

“I’m really trying to organise my schedule so I can prioritise time with you this year. It just looks different and not as…abundant as your time off right now.” I wince. 

“I understand. I’m thankful for the effort you’re making, Dia. But please, just know if you need a break, I don’t want you to worry about income. I know that sounds unprogressive and old fashioned, but I say it out of priority for you and your mental health.”

I nod. “Okay. If I get to that point, I’ll tell you.” I say, appreciating his concern. 

I mean, I would try , if it got to that point. But I suppose the aim was attempting not to get to that point. 

“But right now I need to go. I’m going to be late.”

“You’re your own boss, y’know.”

I roll my eyes playfully and kiss him. “I’m sorry about this morning. Forgive me?”

He nods and kisses me sweetly back. “We’re good. Thank you for apologising. I’m sorry if I offended you by trying to give you my card. I want you there with me.”

I peck his lips one last time. “I appreciate the thought…but don’t ever treat me like a sugar baby again.”

He laughs. “Fair enough. I love you.”

“I love you too, Andy.”

When I get to the studio, I’m the first in and have about an hour to do admin and editing before setting up for a short morning shoot with a client to shoot product content for their social media strategy. They were a client I’d shot with before and achieving the brief was a walk in the park, requiring little to no prep until they arrived. I used that time to set myself up for the day before getting onto some editing work left over from the previous shoot I’d done earlier in the week. Andrew and I had gone to his folks’ place for a barbeque last weekend and then had a lazy Sunday when I was meant to go dress shopping for this gala, so my only day to really find a dress before we went to stay in Kilruddery was today. Even though I was working. I had about an hour for lunch between shoots and more editing, so I rounded Zara up to meet me at a boutique in town where I’d spent the evening looking online for a very specific dress. Now I was just praying I could buy a size off the rack and not have to worry about alterations. 

Fingers crossed the heavens had mercy on me or I’d be wearing my damn wedding dress to the event. 

A small smile tugs at my lips as I think back to when I’d tried it on for the first time, how it had fit me perfectly with no need for any alteration. Which was lucky, because we hadn’t had time for that. Now, the dress hung on a hanger on the wall in Andrew’s walk-in robe beside his suit, his corsage dried and clipped to the pocket. My bouquet had been preserved and was framed on his bedroom wall, flowers that matched those etched into his wedding band. We were big romantics when it came to each other, though we’d never admit it. 

My smile fades as I click through our work inbox, having mindlessly opened it up out of habit. I’d been banned from doing so and had assumed Julien had changed the password, but I suppose he just really trusted that I would listen to him and abide by his wishes. I had a right to access it being that this was fifty percent my business, but I knew for my own mental health it was safer I didn’t. 

Query: your photography is shit 

Query: are you dating hozier?

Query: did you marry hozier?

Query: Hi Julien, my name is Sarah, and I work for…

Query: did Lidia marry Andrew

Query: Lidia, I’m emailing from Rose & Co Skincare…

Query: you guys are incestuous aren’t you brother and sister you act like a couple

Query: pretty sure working with unethical and problematic brands is against what andrew believes in but go off girl, everyone needs a paycheck 

I frown at the last one, clicking on it to read more, but that was all that was said. Who was problematic? Who was unethical? Julien and I always did research into the companies and names we worked with, and made sure to make informed and educated decisions. That wasn’t to say everybody was perfect and nobody had made mistakes -we all make fucking mistakes- but we worked with brands we believed in that we knew to be genuine and good hearted. That’s why we started our own business and didn’t get in-house photography jobs at one brand. Who was this keyboard warrior even talking about- 

“I told you not to fucking look at that.”

I jump, leaning back from my screen. Julien stands behind me with a frown on his face as he holds two coffees in hand. “You scared me.”

“Good,” he mutters as he places a coffee on my desk in front of me, “they didn’t have any food yet.”

“I’m okay.”

“No, you need to eat,” he mumbles as he reads over my shoulder, “Lidia, you said you’d respect my feelings toward this. Teaghan will be in soon to filter through this bullshit.”

“I just opened it without thinking. You didn’t tell me it was still this bad.” I mumble. 

“Yes, and there’s a reason I didn’t. It’s all mindless bullshit.” He sighs as he places a hand on his hip. “Will you please close it and promise me you won’t go back into it?”

Begrudgingly, I log out and close it. 

“Will you have a problem if I change the password?”

“Julien- “

“Lidia, I’m really trying to help you here.”

“Fine! But you’re babying me.” I stress as I sip my coffee. “I’m fine.”

He eyes me like he doesn’t believe me, walking to his desk and settling in across from me. “Are you okay? Is something else going on?”

I pull a face at my screen. “Just a rough morning, but I’m okay. I just have a lot on today.”

“I feel you,” he muses, “I left Elle in the middle of a fight.”

I raise a brow, peering over my screen to find his eyes. While it sucked to hear, I was relieved by the change of subject. “Really?”

“Mm. Said her mother was a nightmare.”

“Julien.”

“She’s homophobic, Lidia.”

“Her mother is?”

“Mm. Very religious.”

“Was she homophobic toward you?” I frown in concern. 

“Biphobic, you mean- “

“Yeah, sorry.” I nod quickly. 

“I don’t think Elle told her I was bi. Anyway, she eyed me over dinner the entire night, questioning my earring, my profession, the fact that I shot a queer magazine and a pride campaign- “

“That campaign was stunning .” 

“Ah yes, but apparently it makes me less of a man.”

“What did Elle say?”

Julien sighed. “She told her mother to cut it out, that she was being rude. But when we got home, it was tense. And then this morning I asked her if she had a problem with my sexuality, and she said no, but she was aware her mother didn’t like it.” 

“Ouch. Jules, I’m sorry,” I sigh protectively as I reach for his hand, “is it a deal breaker?”

“For my other half’s mam to like me? I mean, I was kind of hoping she’d enjoy the idea of me one day marrying her daughter, but I guess I’ll have to accept otherwise.” He muses. 

I felt bad for not being aware of what Julien was dealing with, having been so caught up in my own drama that I hadn’t been paying attention. This was the first time he’d brought it up, but I should have been more aware of his mood. 

“Is Elle being supportive of you?” I ask carefully. I loved the woman and thought she was a great fit for Julien, but I was also incredibly protective of him. I remembered the day he came out to me as bi, and how much courage it took for him, as something he’d felt self conscious about for the longest time, despite the fact that it made no difference to the way I felt about him. Because of this I knew the sensitivity he carried and as a result, it only made me more protective of him. 

“Yeah, she is. She’s an ally and everything, but she said her mother was a traditional woman. That there was likely nothing she could do to sway her thinking. So…I don’t know. I guess I just have to adjust to that. But as you can imagine it was not a constructive conversation that early in the morning.” He muses. 

“No, I totally get it,” I nod, “Andy and I might have also had a…” 

Julien raises a brow. “Were you in a mood?” 

“I apologised.” 

“A new concept for you. Marriage has changed you.” 

I roll my eyes and sink back in my seat, regretting having brought it up. “You’ll be okay this week, yeah? When I’m away?” 

Julien nods. “We’re getting through it. We got this, Lid. We’re capable of this.” 

I sigh and nod. If it wasn’t for him, sometimes I don’t think I’d be able to achieve any of this at all. I was wildly independent when I wanted to be but I wasn’t unaware of the value of those I kept close to me. 

“I know. You’re right.” 

“Of course I am.” 

When I get to the boutique that afternoon Zara is already there flicking through dresses. I greeted her with a hug before asking the sales assistant for the dress I’d called up about and asked to be put aside. 

“This the one?” The girl asks as she brings the dress over to the changing rooms. 

I nod and put my bag down by Zara’s feet. “Perfect, thank you.” 

“We have the next size down if this is too big.” 

“Oh, I’m sure this will be fine, thank you.” I say as I take the gown. The girl eyes me up and down before smiling and returning to the counter. I turn to Zara curiously and she pulls a face at me. 

“I mean, better than her suggesting a size up, I guess?” 

I laugh and head into the changing room to try the dress on. It was black with a fitted, structured bodice and a dull skirt. The straps tied into bows on each shoulder and while it gave a very sweet vibe, the black silk made it look sophisticated and classy. Very well suited for a gala indeed. 

“So what’s this for? Childline, you said?” 

“Yeah, Andy’s an ambassador.” I hum as I slip out of my clothes and into the gown. “I said I didn’t have any gala appropriate dresses, just cocktail dresses. And he said- actually it doesn’t matter what he said. Either way we got into a bit of a row this morning about it.” 

“As all married couples do.” She chuckles. 

I push the curtain back and step out once fully dressed. The bodice was a little big on me, but it fit okay around the skirt. 

Zara stands and nods as she inspects the dress. “Gorgeous. Looks great with your hair. Just put on a pair of black heels and you’re sorted.” 

“It doesn’t look like it fits weird?” I murmur. 

“Can you go down a size?” 

I shake my head. “I don’t think so.” 

“Maybe try it. It’s a bit gapey around your boobs which is wild because you have big tits.” She hums in confusion. “You should try it.”

I sigh. “I guess…I don’t want to give the sales assistant the satisfaction though.” 

Zara laughs and stands to go fetch her while I criticise myself in the mirror. I was aware I’d lost a little weight, but I hadn’t noticed this much. 

Zara returns with the next size down and while I’m sceptical, I give it a chance. It’s a squeeze to get into, but Zara helps with the zip and I slowly start to feel it adjust to my body. She looks over my shoulder in the mirror and nods. 

“Better. Much better. Can you breathe?” 

I let out a laugh and nod. “Yeah, I think so. It feels… snug , but it looks better.” 

She nods in agreement, clapping her hands together in excitement. “It looks amazing. You should totally get your curls blown out and do a real old Hollywood make up look.” 

I chuckle and bunch my hair into a bun. “I have no time to go to the salon. But I appreciate the vision.” 

“Well, I love it regardless. Is Andy wearing a black tie?” She asks. 

I nod. “He’s sorted. But you know men, unless it’s Julien it’s copy and paste the last suit.” 

“Oh, I know. That’s why I dress Eamon.” She chuckles. “Get the dress, Lid. It’s perfect and he’ll love it.” 

I pick it apart one last time before confirming my decision. The research late at night had paid off and while it was a tight fit, it was good enough for the gala. 

Finally. 

When I get home that evening, Andrew is in the kitchen, just like I’d left him this morning. Only we’d had a day apart to cool off and come back together at the end of it all. He was in the middle of making dinner, something he had done a lot more of since we’d ‘moved in together’. Most nights it was something quick, easy and healthy, but when he had had most of the day off, he’d cook us up something really nice and crack open a bottle of wine while a record crooned in the background. This happened to be one of those nights. 

And these sorts of dinners never felt like him trying to ‘make up’ after an argument. Instead it felt like an opportunity for us to take a step back and spend some time together so we could talk and get back to where we thrived in our relationship. I was especially grateful for him this evening after I had been the one that had something worth apologising for after this morning. 

“Hey, darlin’. Good day?” 

I look at him with a small smile, placing my bag and the bag from the boutique on the bench. “Yeah. Busy.”

“Catch up on the work you needed to?” Andrew asks as he walks over to me with a glass of wine in hand. 

I nod and accept it with a kiss. “Got ahead of schedule so I can finish up tomorrow. We could leave a day earlier if you wanted to.”

He looks at me in surprise, sliding a hand around my waist with his free hand. “Oh?”

“Mm.”

“But we only really need to drive down the day of the gala.” 

I bite my lip. “Well, I figured it’s an opportunity for another little weekend trip? Time together?”

His expression softens as he realises this is me trying. It might only be an extra day added to our trip, but it was the most I could offer right now. 

“You sure it won’t stress you out too much?”

I nod, pecking his lips. “Promise.”

“Okay, I’ll adjust the booking for the chalet tomorrow. Thank you, Dia. And I’m sorry about this morning.” 

I can’t help but wince as my attitude and short temper from earlier today flooded back to me. “ I’m sorry. I woke up in a shitty mood and I took it out on you. You didn’t deserve that.”

Andrew sips his wine. “We were both kind of arseholes.”

I nod quickly. “Me more so.”

“ I’m sorry I thought giving you my card was the answer to the argument.” He murmurs sheepishly. 

I pause as I recall the moment he’d held his bank card out to me like he actually thought I would take it. 

“That was kind of wanky.”

He laughs painfully. “I completely misread the moment, and I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to offend you or…be one of those…icky husbands.”

“I’m sorry for taking it out on you. I’m excited to go with you and I hope I didn’t make it feel like a burden.” I say softly as I reach up with my free hand and brush a piece of hair behind his ear. I drag a finger down his ear to his jaw, tilting his chin down to mine before I capture him in a kiss. “I love you.”

“I know. I love you too.” He murmurs against my lips.

We make peace from that morning and I leave him in the kitchen to finish making dinner while I shower and change from the day. I hang the dress in my wardrobe and inspect my nails, wondering if I can get into the salon before we go. We had planned to leave early Saturday morning to return Monday morning, making a two-night stay out in the country. Now that I was ahead of my work, we could leave Friday and make the most of some extra time together. 

Taking these little weekends had been a nice way to slow down after getting married. We were still very young in our relationship the second time around, and though we were both passionate and confident in our decision to marry one another within three months of getting engaged, it didn’t change the fact that we were still discovering new things about one another in the ten years of being apart. I knew every inch of his body, I knew his future aspirations, what he needed from me and what he wanted from us. I knew a lot, but Andrew had a depth to him that was as deep as the ocean. Every day I dove a little deeper, landed somewhere new and discovered something that had previously been covered. 

And I didn’t take it for granted. It was a gift to discover more and more about him, but it also landed us in places of unstable ground, and I suppose our first year would be spent seeking out these objects and shining them into gems. 

Dinner is perfect. I feel content and warm from his efforts, taking over the duty of washing up as a thank you for the meal. We relax on the couch afterwards as we finish a bottle of wine and catch up on the latest episode of Severance we’d been overdue in catching up on. 

My phone buzzes halfway through the episode, vibrating under my arse against the couch as I laid with my feet in Andrew’s lap. 

“Shh.” He hushes, eyes glued to the screen. 

I pull a cheeky face at him as I pull it out and squint at the message on my screen.

From: Julien

Would you prefer I ask for your permission before posting/tagging a photo of you online now?

I frown. I’d never cared when friends have posted photos of me before. Julien and I had a digital footprint that probably spanned a decade at this point, well before I went to Paris. Even on our drunkest, rowdiest nights I trusted him to only post photos that were half decent and appropriate. 

So why was he asking me now?

To: Julien

Why?

From: Julien

Elle said I should probably ask you. Also, did you get harassed while we were at the gallery the other week?

My eyes widen and I rush to open his Instagram profile, not bothering to respond to his text message. I wait impatiently for it to load, before tapping on his most recent upload from the evening of the gallery. It was a photo of him, myself, Elle and Zara, with a typical Julien caption beneath it. 

@julientakesphotos: sister wives. 

All three of us thought it was hilarious, and he’d tagged us in the photo. I didn’t think there was anything wrong with it, but very quickly I noticed a pattern in his comment section and found myself scrolling. 

@daisies: I knew it was her that night @jess674

@jess674: 👀

@tay5285: weird

@putmebackinit: sooo weird 

@andrewshrike: weird friendship right??

@tay5285: i don’t think my bf would be happy lol

@putmebackinit: interesting people that’s all I’ll say

@zarawestman: amazing night supporting an amazing community of artists 🩵if you want to do something useful with your time you can check out the gallery here 

@tay5285: lol aggressive 

Andrew snaps his fingers in my face, pulling me out of my social media trance. Eyes still glued on the television, he waves his hand in front of my phone. 

“You’re missing the important part. Put that away.”

I roll my eyes and thumb back a reply to Julien, denying harassment and assuring him he didn’t need to worry. Tucking my phone away, I extend my feet in Andrew’s lap as I try to find my place in the episode though I was more lost than I had been before. 

“Everything okay?” He hums as he slides his hand up and down my shin. 

I nod and cross my arms over my chest. “Yeah, just Jules.”

“You going alright with the online stuff?” He asks, peering over at me. 

“Yeah, fine.”

I feel his eyes linger on me, waiting for me to look at him. I sigh and turn my head from the television. 

“Feeling alright?” 

I nod again. “Yeah, just tired, Andy. But fine.”

He squeezes my leg hesitantly before returning back to the television. Weirdo. Was I giving off that I wasn’t feeling alright? 

I pocket my phone for the rest of the evening and try to focus, but all I can do is replay the comments in my head. Was this what it was going to be like now? 

We finish the episode and Andrew drags me down the hall to the bedroom where we change and get ready for bed. He hovers around me in an overly affectionate way, his touch lingering in any way he can as we brush our teeth and change. I pull on a pair of shorts and go to retrieve an oversized t-shirt when he slides his hands onto my bare waist and stops me. 

I cross my arms over my bare chest and chuckle as he ducks his head to my neck, kissing the flesh he undoubtedly brought goosebumps to. 

“What?” I blush. 

“Stay like this,” he murmurs, “I like you like this.” 

“Of course you do, I don’t have a shirt on.” I muse, closing my eyes blissfully. 

“You’re so gorgeous. Come to bed.” He mumbles lowly, pulling me toward the mattress in the dark. A flash of lightning casts a quick light over the bedroom, illuminating our path as we climb into bed. Andrew sits, resting his back against the headboard, and pulls me onto his lap quietly. 

“Oh, so you wanna make out like we did in our twenties, huh?” I chuckle softly as I slide my hands into his hair and undo his bun. 

He runs his hands up and down my thighs before sliding them onto the smallest part of my waist. I feel his fingers squeeze my flesh, almost pinching me. I shiver under his touch, wanting nothing more than to shrink into him. 

I reach over to the nightstand and flick off the lamp, letting only the street light and moonlight and the occasional lightning illuminate us. His pale skin glowed in the dark, his arms tending as they moved around my body. 

I gasp as he sucks on my neck, squeezing his biceps to remind him not to leave any marks. When he doesn’t seem to get the message I nudge his chin up to mine and kiss him slowly and passionately on the mouth. 

“You’re perfect, y’know?” He mumbles between kisses. If he didn’t have his mouth all over mine I’m sure I would’ve been pouting by now. 

Andrew slides his hands up to my breasts and massages them firmly with purpose. I was sensitive because of the wine, but his fingers felt stronger, more purposeful than they normally did but it wasn’t doing much to turn me on. I didn’t know if he intended to go all the way tonight or just mess around, but I feel like I need to somehow change his approach. Subtly, I place my hands over his and guide his fingers in a way that feels more sensual, and less…invasive. 

He seems to get the message, for a moment, before he returns to his previous method of…I don’t know, examining my body?

I pull back and lightly push his hands away. “Why- Andy, why are you…that feels really weird.”

The room might be dark, but I don’t miss the awkward look of discomfort on his face, whether because of the unharmonious intimacy or being questioned, I’m not sure. 

“I- sorry- “

“It feels like I’m getting a mammogram- “ I pause, as it clicks in my head. “Wait, were you- “

“I’m just worried- “

“Were you checking for lumps?”

Andrew sighs, running a hand through his hair. “Your hair is everywhere. You’re…thinner than normal. And tired. And stressed. And you missed a period and it wasn’t because you were pregnant.” He states, avoiding eye contact as he recalls all the symptoms I’d barely noticed. The period I had noticed because I’d told him about it and he’d immediately come home with pregnancy tests and a reassuring speech about how we would do this together. It was sweet, really. Thankfully for the both of us it had been negative and I’d gotten my period three weeks later. 

But everything else, I hadn’t realised he’d been paying such close attention. 

“Wait, so you thought- “

“Your mother had breast cancer, Lidia, of course I thought the worst.” He stresses. 

I frown, confused for a moment before I realise the tension and anxiety coursing through his body. He was my husband now, and he had a right to be concerned about me. I lean in and hold him tightly to me, chest to chest. 

“I’m sorry.” I whisper. 

“I just- ye can’t expect me not to be concerned about your health.” He murmurs, his voice cracking. 

“I’m okay- I’m not sick, I’m okay, Andy,” I assure him softly, “I’m sorry if I worried you.” 

“Your mam- she was only young.” 

“I know, I know. But I’m okay. I get checked every year- “

“You do?” 

I nod, running my thumb over his bare collarbone. “Of course.” 

“Right. But you’re losing your hair.”

“Stress. It happens. Especially with curly hair.” I explain. 

“I don’t lose my hair when I’m stressed.” He mumbles stubbornly. 

“No, but you do drink an extra beer a day.” I point out as I send him a knowing look. 

Andrew sighs. “I know you don’t like me commenting on your body and I know you’re relatively healthy, but you’re losing weight you don’t need to. I just want to make sure you’re not neglecting yourself because work is stressing you out.” 

I nod, biting my lip. It hadn’t been work that was stressing me out but I didn’t want to admit that to him. 

“I know. I’ve been…tired. Sometimes I just can’t be bothered eating.” It wasn’t a lie, some days my brain just felt so overloaded that if he wasn’t in the house, there was no incentive or motivation to make something for dinner. 

“That’s not good, darlin’.” He presses. 

“I know. You’re right, I know. I’m going to make a better effort- I’m sorry for worrying you, that wasn’t my intention.” 

Andrew hums, nodding. “I mean I still think you’re gorgeous, I just…y’know…I want you here.” 

I nod quietly, running a hand through his hair. “I know. I want to be here too.” 

“But you get checked every year?” 

“I do. I have since she passed.” 

He presses a kiss to my collarbone, his eyes dropping down to my chest. “Sorry if I made you uncomfortable.” 

I chuckle softly as I run my hand through his hair. “Kinda sweet, in hindsight.” 

“I can definitely check more often, like.” He offers lightly. 

“Oh that’s so thoughtful of you.” I muse as I pull him in for a hug again as I feel the heaviness settle. “I’m sorry, Andy.”

“I just want you for as long as possible.” Andrew mumbles into my ear. “I lost ten years- I can’t lose any more than that, Lidia.”

My heart twists in my chest as he reveals his vulnerability to me. I make a promise to myself that I would try harder to look after myself and manage not only my health but my unhealthy habit of getting sucked into the negativity following my name online. This year was about us, and every time I gave in to that toxicity, I lost focus on what I should be putting my energy into.

The love of my life. My husband.  

I needed to try harder. 

Chapter Text

I stood back in front of the mirror, examining every detail of my black tux. I fixed the little flower in my lapel and smoothed my jacket. Adjusting my cufflinks, I ran my thumb over the little L engraved on them and a small smile tugs at my lips. I hadn’t told her about that little detail. Taking a deep, shaking breath, I drew my eyes back up to their reflection. 

Fuck. 

We were getting married today. I was marrying Lidia. 

Shit. 

“Have ya thrown up yet?” 

I jump slightly as my brother enters the room. Turning, I sigh in relief as he holds out a whiskey to me. I take it gratefully and we raise them before downing them in one. 

“How are you feeling?” He asks, taking my glass back. 

I nod and shake my hands out. “Yeah, good. Bit nervous, like.” 

“I can’t believe you’re getting married before me. Never would have guessed it.” Jon chuckles, shaking his head in disbelief. 

“You can’t believe I’m getting married to Lidia, you mean.” I challenge him with a knowing look. 

Jon rolls his eyes and shoves my shoulder, nudging me to face him while he fixes my tie. When I’d asked Lidia if she had a preference between a tie or bow tie, she shook her head sweetly and handed me a slim, flat gift box that held one of the most gorgeous ties I’d ever seen. It was black and one hundred percent silk, which gave me a hint about her dress. Inside the tie, she’d tucked a dirty little poem for me to read on our wedding day that I now kept in my breast pocket. Although she didn’t write music anymore, she could still string a couple lines together and her style was a perfect mix of intimacy and the Lidia I knew from our college days. 

Sexy and sweet. 

“Look, do I think it’s completely insane?” He asks rhetorically. “Of course I do. Am I fully convinced Lidia is ready for this? Not quite. But, do I just want my brother to be happy?” He looks at me. “Of course I do.” 

“That’s not the same as believing in this, mate.” I muse. 

Jon sighs. “You can’t blame me for being a little sceptical. I’m a realist. You’ve been engaged for three months.” 

“This is what we want.” 

He nods. “Alright. And that’s why I’m here fixing my little brother’s tie on his wedding day.”

“That’s different to supporting- “

“Andy, what exactly do you want from me?”

“I can’t believe you have to ask that- “

“Alright, I hope we’re not bickering in here?” 

We look up as Conor walks through the door, closely followed by our da. I knock Jon’s hands away from me and straighten my tie, checking it over in the mirror before I turn to them. 

“Course not.”

“No.”

“I thought so,” Conor chuckles as he walks over to us and stops in front of me, sizing me up. “She choose the tie?”

I nod as I run a hand over it. “I’m guessing her dress is silk?”

He nods, eyeing me. “She looks perfect.”

My heart aches. I was dying to see her but we had decided against doing a ‘first look’. Instead, we would be walking down the aisle together, hand in hand. I was meeting her outside the small chapel and we would walk inside together. She had requested it be done that way, to do all of this side by side. 

“You scrub up well,” Conor grins, slapping my shoulder and turning to my father who had taken a seat on the couch, Jon joining him. “Doesn’t our lad look handsome?”

“The best you’ve ever looked, son.” Da smiles. “How are you feeling?”

I laugh nervously, rubbing my jaw as I look at them all. “Absolutely shitting myself.”

“Ah, then you’re right on track.” He chuckles. “I felt the same way when I married your mam.”

“I was the same when I married Erin,” Conor nods in agreement, squeezing my shoulder before moving to pour himself a whiskey. “All of them are women worth feeling this way over.”

“Is she nervous?” I ask, chewing my lip. 

“She is. To a degree. But I think she’s nervous about the day, not about marrying you, Andy. That, she couldn’t be more sure of.”

I look at him in surprise. “Really?”

Conor nods and looks up at me. “Of course. She knows you. Me and your da were just having this conversation,” he states, looking to my father for confirmation. “It’s a crazy thing you two are doing, committing to one another after having only reconnected, when- eleven months ago?”

“Nine.” 

“Oh. Wow. Sooner than I’d realised,” Conor chuckles before continuing, “it’s a crazy thing you’re doing, no doubt, but Andy, I know my daughter, and I know how stubborn and headstrong she is. But she’s also one of the most intelligent people I know. And seeing the way you lift her up, the way you light up her life, well…I haven’t seen her like this since before Erin died. And that’s how I know that sometimes, crazy pays off. And that maybe it isn’t so crazy after all.” 

“Ack, you’re going to get me choked up again,” I laugh painfully, my eyes watering. I look to my father for help but he matches me with the same eyes and a knowing smile. 

“Me and your mam are proud of you, son. Lidia’s a brilliant woman. And Conor’s right, this is a big decision you two are making, but neither one of you are careless when it comes to matters of the heart. You’re intentional with the way you love one another.”

“Which,” Jon adds, “might be why you two get it wrong from time to time. Because you have more heart than brains sometimes, but you can’t say you’re not in love with each other.”

Conor laughs and points to him. “Every room needs a realist.”

I roll my eyes at my brother, though I understand what he’s saying. I understand what they’re all saying. 

“I just want to share a life with her. I told her we could wait, make it a long engagement, but…y’know…I can’t say no to her…she’s the love of my life.” It was true. Lidia had woken up about a month and a half ago and asked me to marry her sooner than the long engagement we had initially discussed. And what- was I to say no? Tell her to sit on it for a week? That I wanted to wait it out? No. I wanted to start our lives together immediately. 

Conor smiles, raising his glass. “I don’t doubt that for a second, son.”

“And you should never make a good woman wait, because a good woman won’t wait for long.” My father nods, raising his own glass with Conor’s. 

Jon rolls his eyes affectionately and raises his empty one. “To Andy and Lidia!”

“To Andy and Lidia!”

L

I drop my bag down on the kitchen bench before following the music down the hall to Andrew’s home studio. I was later than I’d said I’d be, but we were still on track to leave when we had discussed, give or take half an hour. When I get to the door of his studio, I linger for a moment as he sits in front of his computer with his back to me, plucking a gorgeous little tune on his unplugged Fender. His voice dances lightly over the notes, humming a harmony rather than words. He was writing again, and I had missed seeing this process. I missed being part of this process, though I had no time or capacity to ever really jump into it again with him. 

“I can see you in the reflection of my monitor, y’know.” Andrew murmurs before finally turning to me in his chair. 

I grin sheepishly and enter the room. “Sorry. There was a line in the nail salon.”

He chuckles and puts his guitar down. “That so?”

I nod and sit on his lap, sliding my arm around his shoulders and my hand into his hair to comb it behind his ear. “Mmhmm. That was pretty. That new?”

Andrew shrugs and wraps his arms around my waist. “Something I’m messing around with.”

“Y’know how Never Going Back Again starts? By Fleetwood Mac? It sounds like that, but…twinkly.” I say, trying to describe how it felt in my brain.

He grins, squeezing my hip. “I’ve been listening to them all morning.”

I let out a laugh and kiss his temple. “Well, I love it. I can’t wait for you to devastate it with heartbreaking lyrics.”

“Is that you saying you’re going to break my heart?”

“Well, we can’t have you too happy, then we’d only get sappy love songs.” I tease, before remembering the reason for my absence and holding up my hand. “Like my nails? They match my dress.”

Andrew gasps with exaggeration as he takes my hand and admires my black and silver nails. “Gorgeous.”

“I got silver gems to match my earrings.” I explain, as though he really cared.

Andrew pauses, raising a brow. “Wait, how are you going to play guitar at the gala?”

I pause right along with him. Fuck. I had forgotten all about that. Mostly out of dread of doing it in the first place. 

“I…”

“I don’t think I’ve ever seen you play guitar with long nails.” He hums curiously. 

I glance down at the acrylic extensions, a pout tugging at my lips as I realise my crucial mistake and the impending doom of my beautiful set. 

“Maybe you don’t need me for the song…”

“Of course I do, I only sing it with you.” Andrew states, giving me a funny look before he realises what I was saying. “Wait, are you backing out? Do you not want to do it anymore?”

I sigh and drop my head to his shoulder. “I just…I got my nails done…”

“This isn’t about the nails, Dia. I know you better than that.” He murmurs. I could hear the disappointment in his voice and in that moment I knew I would be singing with him. I hated being a disappointment and I hated letting people down. 

“It’s a private event, Dia. Most of the attendees are above forty. They think I’m Caroline’s son, for crying out loud,” he tries, nudging me with amusement. “They don’t care about my private life.”

“I’m just…nervous.” I admit quietly, pushing myself to do the thing I had been avoiding with him. Talking about it.

“That’s okay, I understand,” Andrew nods softly, “but if anything, I think this might be the best environment for you to face it. I’m understanding of the fact that we likely won’t sing this song together much anymore, I get that, certainly not on my regular stages- “

I look up at him. “Definitely not.”

He nods. “So let’s do it on these small ones, yeah? Where we’re more protected. You’re my wife, but before that…y’know, you were my singing partner. Don’t you miss that?”

I sigh and look down at my nails. “But my nails are so pretty.”

“They are. I’m sorry darlin’.” He chuckles, shooting me a pout even though he knows he’s won. 

“Fine. I’ll go cut them and file them down. But can we…y’know, be subtle about… us? At the gala tomorrow night? I really don’t want to draw too much attention.” I ask quietly. 

Andrew nods. “Of course. I won’t let anything happen to ye, love. You’re welcome there, or we wouldn’t be going. Okay? I promise you. I have you.”

I take a deep breath and pull myself together. “Okay. Alright.”

“Alright?”

I nod and lean in to kiss him. “Okay.” I murmur against his lips, only for him to pull me in and keep me there as he deepens it. The moment I feel his tongue begging for entrance, I pull away. “No- I have to get my shit together. C’mon, we have to get on the road.” I chuckle. 

“It’s only a half hour drive…” he whines the moment our lips part. 

“But in our chalet they have a really nice king bed and a spa bath.”

“Fuck. Okay. Let’s go.”

A

“Dia, we have to go!” 

“I’m coming!”

“You said that five minutes ago!” 

“Don’t rush me!”

I sigh and check my teeth in the mirror by the front door. We were supposed to have made our way to the gala ten minutes ago, and while we weren’t late and our driver was more than happy to wait for us out the front, I knew there were a lot of people I’d have to mingle with tonight and I just wanted to get it over and done with so I could spend time with my wife. 

A small smile tugs at my lips. I never grew tired of saying that. Mostly because I still found myself in disbelief about it sometimes. Coming up to our one year anniversary -which was crazy to think of everything we had done in that time- I found myself reflecting quite a bit on how much Lidia had grown in the way she loved me. Even simply the way she assured me of that love. There was hardly any space to doubt how she felt about me. I felt it in multitudes. 

“Okay, okay. I’m ready.” 

I look up and my heart leaps out of my chest. I’d never seen an angel wear black before but here she was in front of me teaching me something new. 

The black silk bodice hugged her torso in the most mouthwatering way before falling into a full skirt around her ankles. Two bows sat on her shoulders, sweetening a dangerously sexy look on a woman that had the full ability to take me out with her stare alone. 

“I…”

She smiles as she walks over to me and fiddles with the lapel of my suit jacket. “I love this suit on you. And you’re wearing your black silk tie from the wedding,” she pouts as she compliments me, completely unaware of her own beauty. “You look so handsome, Andy.” 

“Dia…”

“And are you wearing your cufflinks too? I swear you’re going to make me cry.” She chuckles as she rubs a thumb over the cuffs of my shirt. “You’re gorgeous- “

“ Lidia.” 

She looks up at me from under her lashes, surprised. “What?” 

“You look…”

A slight blush rises up her neck. “It’s a snug fit, I know. I had to go down a size so it’s kind of squeezing my boobs. Do you think Caroline will think it’s unbecoming to have this much cleavage?” 

I let out a laugh and slid my hands around her waist. I wasn’t surprised she had gone down a size. She had definitely lost weight as a result of the stress but I didn’t want to point it out and make her feel insecure about it. Besides, we had talked about it and since then she had made an effort not to skip any meals. 

“Lidia, you look fucking incredible.” 

“Oh. Thanks.” 

I roll my eyes and lean in to kiss her. Of course she would be so nonchalant about looking like a fucking angel and be completely unaware of it. 

“Oh. You’re welcome.” I mock as I kiss her neck. 

“Wanna know something?” She teases in my ear. 

“If you tell me you’re not wearing any underwear- “

Lidia lets out a laugh. “You wish. No. Not quite. No…I might be wearing those stockings you like…”

I pull back and look at her with a raised brow before looking down between us. She sticks a foot out to show me her black pointed heels, and where I should see her porcelain skin, I see the black sheer fabric of her stockings, immediately confirming that these were in fact the type that I liked…

“Christ.” 

“A present for you to unwrap after a long night of altruism.” She teases. 

Fuck. 

Giving me a sweet smile, Lidia pats my hands away from her waist before she straightens herself up and grabs her coat from the hook by the door. 

“Come on, Andy. The driver’s waiting.”

I was done for. 

L

When we arrived at Kilruddery house, the shot of whiskey I’d snuck while Andrew was in the shower had well and truly worn off, no longer coursing my system as the nerves over took the secret liquid courage. 

The house is grand, like a country manor. The history and the elegance oozes out of every lit window and open door on the building. Music can be heard enveloping the chatter and laughter amongst the large number of guests inside. 

Andrew clutches my hand tightly as he leads me up the front steps where he hands over our names to the girl on the door. She places a tick beside our surnames on her clipboard before looking up at us both with a smile and welcoming us inside. 

The first thing we do is cloak our coats, before Andrew leads me into the main function room, my arm linked casually with his. 

“Maybe we should have gotten married here. In the gardens.” I murmur quietly. 

He chuckles and slides a hand over mine on his bicep. “We’d have to had filled more seats.”

“If only we had more friends, like.”

“Andrew! I thought you’d gotten lost!”

Andrew laughs as he greets Caroline with a hug. She’s spotted us the moment we stepped into the room, getting between what had been our next destination; the bar. 

“Come on, we’re not that late! We’re only staying five minutes away.” 

She laughs and squeezes him tightly. “Oh, I’m kidding. Good to see you, love. How are you?”

“Yeah, very well.” He nods as he stands back and places a hand on my lower back. 

“And Lidia, you look gorgeous.” She smiles as she greets me with the same hug. 

“Thank you, so do you.” I reply politely. While I knew Caroline was a nice woman, I always got the feeling she was wildly protective of Andrew and his career. She respected our relationship, but she was a traditional woman and I know out of his best interest, she had always been sceptical of me. I could read between the lines and I understood without words. However, as a result of her protectiveness toward Andrew, she extended that to me and had offered me the same protection regarding the drama online that she had to him. That, I had been grateful for. 

“Andrew, I don’t think you’ve met…”

 Very quickly I fall into the background despite Andrew’s hand on my waist. I’m introduced as nothing more than ‘Lidia’, though this was at my own request because I didn’t yet feel comfortable being introduced as more than that. Despite me saying otherwise, he knew without words that I was still bugging out about being together in public in the real world. I wish I could say I didn’t care, but in reality, I was scared. I was anxious about it and this for me was baby steps. I felt comfortable by his side, though I didn’t want to simply be known as his wife. I wasn’t used to stepping into a room and that title becoming my entire identity. 

After some mingling, I leave him to fetch us both a drink. He wasn't performing until a few hours later and was allowing himself one whiskey to warm himself up. I, on the other hand, was allowing myself two. One for the nerves and one for the throat.

“What can I get you?”

“Two whiskeys. Make one of them a double. Thanks.” I nod at the bartender as I wait patiently at the bar. 

He smiles and gets to work while I look around the ballroom at all of the people who supported, contributed and donated to the cause. I’d listened in on some inspiring conversations about the work that was done here, and I was keen to understand some more. Andrew had been right, a big portion of the guests were mega rich investors and those who contributed large donations to the organisation, mostly all in their fifties and up. But, there were surprisingly a lot of young people who worked for the organisation in all sorts of capacities. So far I’d only run into reasonably pleasant people- 

“Two whiskeys.”

I turn back to the bartender and smile gratefully. “Thank you.”

He nods at me before serving the next guest. I take a quick sip of my whiskey and make my way over to Andrew. He takes his drink gratefully before returning to his conversation, not without leaning into my side, his body heat alone bringing a comfort to me I had so quickly become used to. It calmed me in moments like these, and it took me back to the run of shows we had done last year, when I had been terrified out of my mind on some of the bigger stages we played (well, for me they were big), but just being within centimeters of him, close enough to feel his heat, had kept me at ease. 

During moments like these, I tried to remind myself of that. 

“Lidia.”

I turn as Caroline approaches my side. “Hi.”

“How are you?” She asks in a slightly lower voice, pulling me away from Andrew with her body language alone. 

“I’m good, how are you?” I offer back, a little unsure as a result of her determined expression. 

She nods, her eyes assessing my form. “How are you coping with everything? I see you limited your comment sections and Rachel said she showed you how to close your DMs? Has that helped?” 

She’s clinical with her concern, but given we had no real relationship outside of Andrew, I didn’t mind. If anything, I found it refreshing. It took the emotion out of the situation and if anything, that had been something I had been struggling with. 

“It has a little,” I nod softly, turning my glass in my hands. “It hasn’t stopped it, but it’s helped.”

“Right. Andrew says you’re trying to busy yourself with your work as a distraction?” She hums as though agreeing with my avoidant strategy. 

“Yeah,” I admit, “I need to keep my mind busy. But my work inbox has been littered with his name.”

Caroline winces ever so slightly before her eyes dart around the room, her mind ticking. She returns back to me. “You need to filter them. Have somebody do it for you- “

“I have somebody doing that,” I nod, wondering if she was Andrew’s Julien. Someone that cared so abrasively for you, sometimes you found it easier just to let them take the wheel. “It’s helping…somewhat.”

“But they’re still there.”

“They’re still there. But I’m handling it.” I assure her. 

“Mm,” she hums, clearly not convinced. “Do you want Rachel to take over your socials? You send her content to post and she does it for you?”

My eyes widened in surprise at the offer. “I- she doesn’t work for me- “

“No, but she works for your husband.”

“Does- does Andy have her do that?” I ask quietly, unaware if he had made the decision to hand over access to his social media. 

Caroline shakes her head, eyeing him behind me as he chatted with other ambassadors of the organisation. He laughs and I instantly grow jealous of how good he was in these situations. 

“No, he still has full control. But he’s had years of experience with the online forums. You haven’t. Not like this, anyway.”

I shake my head. “I’m okay, but thank you for the offer. I’d feel comfortable still in control.”

I can tell she doesn’t think it’s a good idea, but she doesn’t push me on it. She respects my decision and moves the conversation along, asking me about how we were finding married life and if I was planning on joining him in Wales in a couple months. I could see just how much she was trying to protect this experience for him and while Caroline and I were very different people, I appreciated the presence she held in his life, and how she was extending that to me. 

Andrew and I become separated for a little while during the evening while we talk to different people and I find myself finally at ease as I speak with women around my age, learning about what they do in and outside of the organisation. They’re interested to hear about my career, and I find it reassuring that I can exist in this room with Andrew and not simply be known as just his wife. I was able to exist here alongside him, not just behind him, independence still intact. 

On my way to the bar for my second and final drink before the performance, Andrew intercepts and slides a soft hand to my waist. 

“I’m about to go on- your guitar’s tuned up, all good to go. Did you need anything beforehand?” He asks gently in my ear. 

I look up at him and shake my head. “Are you doing it second last?”

Andrew nods. “After Work Song. Then you stay for Church and join me on keys, yeah?”

I nod, ignoring the churning in my stomach as I remember the promise I’d made to him. He was playing acoustic tonight, with no backing band. He’d performed this way many times before, but had spent the last week and a half changing up the arrangements to breathe some new life into the song. That included reviving a very early version of Take Me to Church , in which I supported behind him on keys. It was the way we did it when he first performed it live, the night Caroline scouted him. He’d been a little apprehensive about asking me to support him like that considering our past, but as a way of showing him how much work I’d done to leave the more complicated part of our past in the past , I had agreed. Andrew and I had come a long way, and realistically I knew that if we were going to have a long, healthy and loving marriage, I had to make peace with the hurt of our initial break up. 

Playing keys on the song that took him from me was one way of doing that.

“Alright, get yourself to the stage by the end of Work Song. Are your nails short enough?” He teases lightly. 

I look up at him, sending him a sad pout. “I hope you understand how much I sacrificed for you.” I tell him as I bare my shorter nails at him. I’d been able to file them down to a length that allowed me to play guitar while still enjoying the design I’d not only sat for, but paid for , but that didn’t mean I wasn’t still sad I couldn’t have my nice, pretty long nails for the event. 

These are the sacrifices you make for your husband, I suppose. 

Andrew is shortly introduced and makes his way to the stage, greeting and thanking the attendees for their continued support while he lifts his guitar over his head. He looked good in his suit, and even better with his guitar held tightly to his body. He was the happiest and healthiest I’d seen him since he’d come back into my life and I couldn’t help but feel warm inside as I pondered how much getting married had contributed to that. 

Nine months together and we had said ‘I do’. Now, we were only just coming up on a year back together. All at once this felt crazy yet just right. This is where we were meant to be, and it made sense to us. 

Sipping my whiskey, I can’t help but take in the eyes on him as I stand in the crowd in the grand function room. A sense of pride washes over me at every impressed smile and nod shared between guests as they silently commend his talent. His voice rings through the room and I bite my painted lip as it dawns on me just how lucky I was to call him my husband. I had always been proud of Andrew’s success, even when I despised him for the way he left. Underlying it all, I knew he deserved this. 

It had just taken my broken little heart some time to get there. 

As Andrew moves through his short setlist, I migrate away from the women I had been talking to and land somewhere near Caroline over to the side of the stage so I was ready to go when called upon. She gives me a once over to assure I had no lipstick on my teeth or hair caught on jewellery, just in time for Andrew to finish Work Song and prepare for the last two songs of the set. Taking a deep breath, I straighten my posture. We could do this. I could do this. He had supported me this whole evening, and I finally felt comfortable and like myself to be able to push myself up onto the stage beside him.

Andrew leans into the mic with a soft smile as his eyes search for me. “This next one, I wrote as a young chap in college, many moons ago. Though not without a wonderful co-writer, who I’m lucky to say joins us tonight. Please welcome to the stage, my wife, Lidia.”

My blood runs cold as the words fall from his lips. Wife. My wife. I said- 

I don’t have a moment to think before he leans over the edge of the small stage and extends his hand to help me up the two small steps. Painting a smile on my face I lift the skirt of my dress with one hand and take his in my other as I join him. My jaw is tense as I reach for my guitar and carefully lift it over my head. 

I told him to be subtle. I told him not to introduce me like that. I didn’t want to draw attention to this very sacred thing we had tried so hard to protect. This wasn’t a global stage but there were already phones out. 

“Alright?” He asks softly as he leant into my ear. 

My eyes shoot to his and I try to soften my stare but fail. He seems to catch on but remains stoic as we take our places on either side of his mic that I had a better chance at reaching comfortably due to my heels. 

I try my best not to let it get to me, but I could already feel myself shrinking as I stood beside him, looking to him for our cue. 

‘I have never known peace…’

I close my eyes and find my groove within the song as my fingers dance over the strings, plucking lightly alongside his. I could do this in my sleep, probably because I had dreamt about this since college. Doing this together. Making music with my best friend, my lover. A firm believer in the magic between us, twenty-year-old Lidia would not have been surprised we had gotten married, nor that we were playing together. However she would have been in disbelief of our journey, and though I was proud to show her how despite all odds we had found our way back, that little flickering feeling of discomfort and anxiety only grew in my stomach. 

My wife, Lidia. 

I had told him not to do that. I told him I wanted to be subtle about it. Especially in this setting. 

‘We lay here, for years or for hours…’ 

My voice finds his easily, like it was made to find it, in any life. I suppose it was, and it had. 

After the chorus he takes a step back but emphasises his guitar part. I take my cue to step forward to the mic and sing my verse, like I had many times last year on a much bigger stage in front of a much more intimidating audience. With many more phone cameras pointed in our direction. However the world knew nothing of me, nor my relationship with Andrew. 

Now some people did, and some people had been horrible to me because of it, and now I had a growing anxiety in my stomach and a heaviness to my heart that made this more terrifying than it had been last year. 

Though I can’t wait to get off of this stage, I keep my pace, I keep my pitch, and I float effortlessly through the song. When Andrew leans up to the mic my heart rests ever so slightly and I let him take the stronger lead. 

I follow the tapping of his foot and the slight nod of his head. My lips move with his lips as we come up to the bridge, my favourite part of the song as our voices begin to overlap with one another’s. 

‘They’d find us in a week, we lay here for years or for hours, 

When the weather gets hot, so long we’d become the flowers,
They’d find us in a week, we lay here for years or for hours,
When the cattle show fear, so long we’d become the flowers’

Our picking hands lifted, the chords ringing out as only our voices took the lead. I find his eyes amid the anxiety coursing my body, blocking out the world around us in order to focus on the final chorus. Our voices melt perfectly, becoming one. I grip the neck of my guitar as he returns to playing while we dance our way lightly through the outro. 

‘After the raven has had his say,
I’d be home with you, I’d be home with you,
I’d be home with you, I’d be home with you,
I’d be home with you, I’d be home with you.’

We pull away from the shared mic and a small smile tugs at his lips as he nods gently as though to say I’m proud of you. My chest is conflicted with anxiety fueled anger and the protective sweetness that tended to fill my body whenever we would sing together. I felt protective over the younger us that dreamed of doing this together, territorial over the shared joy and the dream that had brought them together in the first place. 

Was it impossible for us to have these moments now because of the way we had tied our lives together? 

My wife, Lidia. 

I was proud to love him, protective of his heart. 

But I was also riddled with anxiety by the fingers digging their way into our sacred space. Putting light on our private corner of the world only made it worse, and like he had forgotten to take his ring off in that damn video, he had just announced to the room the one thing I had asked him to leave out. 

Wife. 

“Well done.” Andrew murmurs, leaning behind me to switch his guitars over. 

I don’t respond, instead putting my guitar down beside his and moving quickly behind the keyboard, taking a seat on the little bench and making sure to cover my legs appropriately with my dress. I slip my heel off in order to place my foot comfortably on the pedal beneath the keyboard and look up to Andrew once ready. He smiles gently before turning back to the mic. 

“This is the last one, ye might know it. Again, thank you to everyone that’s come to such a wonderful event, and thank you to those that work tirelessly to shine a light on a very important cause.”

I wait patiently behind him, coming to life when he looks back at me with a nod. I take a deep breath and place my fingers on the keys, trying to find some speck of peace as I start playing in support of his voice and guitar.

My engagement ring shimmers in the light and I bite my lip. I had said yes to the title. It wasn’t that I was embarrassed or ashamed, but I had asked him, so many times. I had reminded him of the subtlety that would keep my anxiety at bay. I had been honest and vulnerable about it before coming out tonight. 

The cameras made me nervous. The eyes made me nervous. It all made me so nervous. 

I get through the song without fucking anything up, but I can’t get off the stage fast enough. Andrew helps me down the steps onto solid ground, sliding his hand onto my lower back as we’re greeted with praise and adoration. Is this what he experiences every single time he steps off a stage? Walks into one of those rooms? 

I wanted to escape to the bathroom but I remained firmly by his side, conflicted between my anxiety and my anger. I wanted to push him away but he was my safe space in this room and I didn’t want to leave his touch. He smiled and thanked the kind words from those around us while I couldn’t help but notice the curious eyes from younger faces, the few but existing phones subtly pointed our way. 

Let go of me. Let me run away.

A

She’s tense the entire drive home. I barely saw her after the performance, having been dragged away into a conversation. I had intended to bring Lidia into the chat and introduce her, but she slipped away to the bathroom and I didn’t catch up with her until we left the event. She didn’t seem like she had been looking for me, and it wasn’t until we stepped out into the cold air and climbed into the waiting car that I realised she likely would have preferred not to find me at all. 

I can feel the tension radiating from her body as she sat on the other end of the back seat, making no effort to sit next to me nor hold my hand like she usually did. When I reached out to place a hand on her thigh she simply crossed her legs and brushed me away. 

She wasn’t just tense, she was annoyed. Pissed off, even.

“You alright?” I murmur, keeping my voice down as I became overly aware of the driver in the front seat. 

Lidia nods as she continues her gaze out the window. 

I sigh and rest my head on the head rest, tilted to her. “Lidia.”

“I’m fine.” The tone of her voice tells me otherwise and I start to accept that there was a very real chance I would not be removing those stockings from her legs tonight. 

“Are you upset?” 

She shakes her head, no words. 

“Have I done something?” 

“Leave it, Andy.” She warns, her eyes flickering to the back of the driver’s head before finding mine. 

I sigh in frustration before sinking back into my seat. The chances of her actually talking to me when we got back to the chalet were low. I don’t know what difference it made holding out in the car. 

“You sang beautifully- “

“Don’t.”

When we return to the chalet, I tip our driver before following her up to the door. I purposely come up close behind her, breathing down her neck so she couldn’t escape me. I watch the little goosebumps form on the back of her exposed neck, her body still reactive to mine. 

Lidia opens the door and throws her small purse onto the credenza in the hall before strutting into the kitchen, on a mission to find a glass. When I enter the room she’s sipping a whiskey, one it seemed she had been dying for since we left the event. 

“Are you going to tell me- “

“Why couldn’t you listen to me? Why couldn’t you do the one thing I asked of you?!” She cuts me off as she puts down the glass. 

I frown. “What? Do what?”

“The fact that you don’t know just shows how little you really- “

“Lidia, feckin’ tell me what’s going on!” I snap back, cutting her off. She hated when I did that, but I hated when she closed off before we could get to the root of the problem. 

“I told you I wanted to be subtle- careful about us in public spaces. I told you just to introduce me as- “

“I did! Every single person we spoke to, I only introduced you by name!” 

“You called me your wife! In front of everyone!” She snaps incredulously before storming out of the kitchen in the direction of the bedroom down the hall. 

That’s what this was about? 

I rack my brain to try to remember when exactly I had- oh. 

Please welcome to the stage, my wife, Lidia.

I run my hands over my face and follow her down the hall. When I reach our dimly lit bedroom, she’s removing her jewellery in front of the tall dresser, her eyes burning into my body as I enter the room. She sends a chill down my spine, and I feel the knot in my stomach tighten, she, the only person who knows how to undo it. 

Touch me.  

I shake the thought from my head. No, we were arguing. She was being unreasonable. 

“It was an accident.” 

“It was not,” she scoffs, rolling her eyes and tearing them away from me, but not before trailing them down my body as she reached behind her to reach her zipper. “Fuck- unzip this!”

I scoff and cross the room, walking over to her. “It was an accident. It slipped out. It’s not natural for me to try to be secretive. I’m not ashamed to call you my wife.”

“This isn’t about being ashamed! This is about keeping something for ourselves! And I’m not trying to be secretive! I want this for us! I want this between us!” She snaps, the anger written all over her face. “All you had to do was introduce me the way you had been all night! I was talking to- you have to unhook it first, fucking hell.” She mutters, slapping my hands as they struggle with the zipper. She was right, it was a tight fit. No wonder her rack looked amazing.

I slap her hand right back, her attitude pissing me off but turning me on at the same time. 

“I was talking to so many people, avoiding the fact that I was here on my husband’s arm and you made me look like some…like…”

“Like what, like you were trying to hide the fact? I think ye did that all your own, Dia.” I mutter. 

She sends me a glare over her shoulder. “Take. Off. My. Dress.”

I swallow the lump in my throat. Fuck. 

I unfasten the hook and yank the zipper down, allowing her to take a full breath for the first time that night. She steps away from me and turns around, pressing the fabric to her chest. 

“I told you how it made me feel! And you just outed me in front of everyone!” 

“Y’know, I’m starting to feel like you don’t want to be known as my wife at all. It’s quite offensive, like.” I shoot back at her, busying myself with my tie to avoid eyeing her like a piece of meat. My body craved hers, the way I could see hers craving mine. But we were ignoring the sexual tension because we had a fight to endure first. A stupid fight, but one that she wouldn’t give up. Admittedly, I was too stubborn to let her win. 

“Don’t you dare throw this back on me! I am completely justified in my feelings!” She snaps, her brow furrowed as she points at me. “It was a simple request!”

“And I did that! I slip up once, and what, that’s it? I’m in the shit for being honest?!”

Lidia shakes her head. “No- don’t- that’s a cop out.” She spits between gritted teeth. 

I roll my eyes and shrug my blazer off, throwing it over the arm of the chair before placing my tie gently over it. I turn back to her as I unbutton my crisp white shirt and don’t miss the way she stares down my hands. She hadn’t continued to undress yet and I wondered if that was because she wanted me to leave the room, or she was too busy yelling at me. 

“It’s not a feckin’ cop out.” I shoot back, tugging my shirt out of my pants. My hands linger in front of my fly, eyes trained on hers. Your move. It’s your move, angel.

She swallows the lump in her throat. In one swift move, she lets go of her dress and it falls effortlessly down her body, revealing to me, the very little she wore underneath. There were those fucking stockings. 

“Get. The fuck. Over here.” She mutters lowly. 

Fuck.

I do as she says, immediately welcoming her hands on my shoulders as she reaches up to kiss me. My hands found her small waist, running my fingers over the material that hugged her body. She wore the black set, the one that matched the black lace underwear and the stockings with the little embroidered flowers. There was a bra that matched this, I knew this because I’d seen it, but right now, it was nowhere in sight. 

I run my hands up her torso to her breasts, squeezing firmly to elicit a moan from her. I was pissed off with her attitude, and she was still angry with me, I could tell by the way she kissed me. No tongue, just aggression. 

Lidia slides her hands down to my trousers and unbuttons them, yanking down the zip and sliding her hands into the waistband to push them down my thighs until they pool at my feet. 

“Take your shoes off- fuck, do I have to do everything?” She mutters under her breath as she breaks the kiss. 

“That would actually require you to get on your knees for me.” I mutter back as I awkwardly kick them off. 

Lidia glares at me, freezing my soul. I hadn’t meant to say that out loud. “Get on the fucking bed.”

I scoff. “No, you- “

“Andrew.”

I step out of my trousers and grip her waist, pushing her backwards until the backs of her legs hit the bed. “ You get on the bed.”

“You really don’t want to listen to me at all.” 

“ I listen, I’m just a human being that makes mistakes.” 

“Ones that completely destroy all effort I made to keep this sacred.”

We were being mean to one another. We were saying nasty things and getting our frustration out while also relieving the sexual tension. But I couldn’t ignore the slight sting her words left in me. Noting she wasn’t backing down, instead of giving in to that feeling, I fought back just as hard. I push her hips back with enough force to push her down onto the bed. Lidia slides her hand around my waist and pulls me down on top of her, connecting our lips aggressively as I hovered over her, a knee on either side of her hips. She wraps a leg around mine, and I reach down to take off her heel and throw it across the room, doing the same with the other before I snake an arm around her waist and drag her up the bed until her head rests on the pillows. 

Our eyes meet and I see the slither of lust that pulses through them. It disappears almost as soon as it appears, replaced with the anger, frustration and anxiety that coursed her system. 

“It was an accident.”

“It was the one thing I asked of you.” She shot back just as coldly. 

My breath hits her face as I take her in beneath me. A slightly shaking hand trails down her waist until my fingers reach the garter belt, toying with the material. 

“I think your anger about it is your way of hiding something else.” 

Her eyes darken. She did not like that. 

“Hurry up and fuck me already.” 

That was all it took. 

It was an avoidant request, but a result of not following her previous one, one that had meant more to her than I realised. And while I sympathised with her over it, knowing it ran deeper than just her pissy attitude, she knew how to wind me up. She knew how to get under my skin and right now, angry sex was the only way I knew how to communicate that to her. 

When I take too long to undress her, she begins to help me, her hands getting in the way of mine. I slap them away, but the moment she is bare in front of me, she shoves me down onto the mattress and climbs on top of me. 

“You’re a control freak.”

“You can’t do anything fucking right.” 

Her eyes met mine between kisses as her fingers hooked into the waistband of my boxers. I nod quickly, feeling completely at her mercy as she not only dominated me but still asked me for permission. Her protective nature over my body never seemed to dim even when she wanted full control over it. 

It doesn’t take long before she’s riding me, pinning my hands to the mattress above my head. I wrap a leg around hers and buck my hips upward, catching her off guard as I hit her deeper than expected. She moans loudly, her walls clenching around my cock in response. We weren’t just fighting about that evening, we were fighting for power. Her body screamed at mine, and mine only responded, neither of us ready to admit defeat nor say sorry. I didn’t feel I was in the wrong; she was being too hard on me for something that morally wasn’t a bad thing. It was true, she was my wife. Yes, she’d asked me not to announce it, but that wasn’t what I did. It would have been weirder had I just called her a friend. That would have gotten more attention. 

During a moment of weakness, I push her down onto the mattress and bury my lips into her neck as I fuck her hard. She gasps, gripping my hair tightly in her hand and tugging my head back. I grunt against the pressure and drive my hips harder, chasing a climax that we were teetering on the edge of. My arms tense as I hold myself up over her, utterly ruined by the look of pleasure on her face. Her brow was still furrowed, her nails digging into my skin as she wrapped her other hand around my arm. The aggression followed the pleasure, followed her high as she began to meet her orgasm. She was fucking stubborn, unwilling to let go, even if it meant hitting release. 

“Come for me.” I tell her darkly. 

She shakes her head quickly, biting down hard on her lip. I dip my head and kiss her, tugging her lip from between her teeth with my own teeth. I dig in hard and she releases it, whimpering as her body starts to succumb. 

“F-fuck…fucking- harder!” She cries, though I know her body couldn’t handle harder , nor faster.

“Come for me, Dia.” I growl, slapping her thigh as it wraps around my waist. “Come!”

She moans as her body finally gives in, forcing mine to do the same. She uses me to release the pressure, gripping me tightly as she orgasms. I hiss under the pain of her sharp nails and tight hold, using her right back. For a moment we are two bodies without the history, without the emotion or the devotion we had cultivated between us. For a moment, we are two physical beings using one another for sexual pleasure. 

When we’re done using each other, I pull out and fall down beside her. After a moment, she looks over at me and rests her hand on my chest. I can’t help but slide mine over it and hold it tightly as my chest rises and falls. I feel her eyes linger down my torso, dancing over my hips and the dark hair that gathered between them. Immediately I felt vulnerable, quiet and completely devoid of the anger and frustration that had haunted us. I felt it leave her body and immediately began to feel bad. 

“Let’s not fuck like that again.” She murmurs, slightly out of breath. 

I shake my head, having come to the same conclusion. “I don’t like doing that when we’re angry at each other.” 

“I mean it turned me on, but I kind of hate myself for it.”

I wince. “Me too. I’m sorry.”

Lidia rolls over onto her front and presses her lips gently to my shoulder. “I love you. I’m sorry.”

My eyes find hers in the dark and I see her walls come down. “I didn’t mean to make you feel outed. It slipped my mind. It felt so natural to call you that, but I understand why you’re upset.”

She nods quietly, her finger drawing circles on my chest. “I was so anxious tonight about it. I had all these conflicting feelings…and…I know it’s… selfish to think people in that room cared, but…I’ve been feeling…”

I slide a hand onto her jaw. “What have you been feeling, Dia?”

She drops her face into my chest and I sigh, combing my hands through her blonde curls. Her tears kiss my skin and I feel my heart twist. 

“Dia…are you still getting shit online?”

She shakes her head but I know she’s lying. She doesn’t want to talk about it right now and when she’s this vulnerable I don’t want to push her away by prodding her. 

I sigh and wrap my arms around her, pulling her into my chest to do what I could to protect her from our bed, though I didn’t feel very powerful.

“I have you, Dia. I’m with you.” 

She doesn’t say anything, but I feel her hands tighten around me. 

I’m not going anywhere.  

Chapter Text

“What do you think we’ll do for our first wedding anniversary?” I ask as I look up at him. Andrew peers down at me, his eyes glazing over my face as he reaches up to comb his hand through my hair. We were entangled on the couch in the living room of my father’s house. He was out to lunch with Andrew’s folks who were staying with us ahead of the wedding tomorrow. We had originally planned to go with them but the both of us were feeling exhausted and run down due to the running around to get everything ready for the big day, so we opted out. Instead, we were having a big dinner tonight with close family and friends to celebrate our last night as an unmarried couple. Right now, we were taking a minute to relax and be close to one another. 

It wasn’t a huge couch, so this was as close as we could physically get. 

“I think we should look toward our first anniversary together before we worry about that, angel.” Andrew chuckles, catching my attention.

My eyes widen and I push myself up to look down at him. “We haven’t even- Andy…we’re getting married before our first anniversary.” I whisper quietly. 

Andrew grins sheepishly. “I mean, I did say we could have a long engagement, but you were just too ‘trilled to marry me.”

“Stop it, that’s so embarrassing.” I murmur as I place a hand over my face. “I didn’t think of it like that. Christ, we’re insane. Andrew- we’re getting married- how long has it been?”

He presses his nose to my cheek. “Nine months. It’s been nine months, darlin’. But we have ten years to make back.”

And immediately, the ease returns. The peace floods my chest. My person, all around me. This is what we wanted. This was the right choice. 

“One more, babe.”

I hover my hand over the bar in his grip, just in case he needs my support. He didn’t, proving how much progress he’d made from the first time he’d followed me over to the weights section in my local gym. It had only been a couple months and already his arms were more sculpted and he was not only looking, but feeling a lot stronger. 

“Fuck yeah.” I smile softly as he finishes the set of bench presses with the loaded barbell, placing it back on the rack above him.

Andrew lets out a breath and sits up on the bench, wiping his face with his towel. 

“I think that’s your personal best.” I tell him as I hold out my fist. 

He pounds it and stands. “Trying to impress my personal trainer, like.” He chuckles. 

I squeeze his hip before we switch places, not without removing a few of the weight plates off the bar for me. I had been training for a few years and had slowly worked my way up to an amount he’d cracked and conquered weeks ago. 

I was proud of him. 

It was a quiet Thursday evening, and I’d managed to drag him along to my small local gym for a strength session. The gym was quiet this time of night, allowing us free reign over most of the equipment with nobody else around to wait behind. It was nice to spend the time working on ourselves while also spending it together. 

I lay down on the bench while Andrew moves to stand just behind my head, hovering his hands over the bar as I start my first set. 

“You’re so strong.” He mumbles amidst the concentration on his face. 

“Gotta fight all the men on my doorstep when you go back on tour, like.” I murmur between restrained breaths as I focus on my reps. 

Andrew laughs. “All the more reason to come with me.”

I finish my first set of reps and pull my feet up on the bench while I take a moment to recover before my next lot. “Will we do a sprint after this to finish off?” I ask, knowing full well his answer before it leaves his lips. 

“Yeah, fuck off, darlin’.”

I let out a laugh. Zara and I only really had the capacity to hit up a Pilates class once a week if we were lucky due to how busy we’d gotten, so I’d tried to remain more consistent with my physical exercise to keep my anxiety levels at bay. I’d somehow managed to get Andrew to accompany me to some sessions, and it had turned into a nice way to spend time together, even if we were doing different workouts. Plus it usually meant we picked up dinner on the way home and if my husband was paying, I wasn’t complaining. 

“Okay. Fine, we’ll just do stretches.”

I finish my sets before dragging him over to the mats in the corner to stretch out our bodies after having spent a decent amount of time here. He followed my lead and I helped him stretch out his back so it wouldn’t feel so tender the next day. When we’re done, I follow him to the lockers to grab our things before we head out to his car. 

“What do you feel like for dinner? I could kill a burger.” Andrew mutters as we climb into the car. He throws his gym towel at me before starting the engine. I scowl and throw the sweaty thing by my feet. 

“We could try that Mexican place. Get a burrito?”

“That’s considerably healthier.” He mumbles sarcastically.

“You could get their fries,” I tease as I look up from my phone to him, “fatten you up.”

“Ack, gotta look after this shredded six pack, like.” He smirks back at me as he drives us home. 

I grin and reach a hand over to his torso. He wasn’t quite shredded, but he was lean and strong. I loved him in any form, but I could tell he was feeling more confident in his body because of how he was looking after himself. Being healthy for me has always been about my mental and inner health rather than looking thin or a physical aesthetic. Sure it didn’t hurt to love your body and its physical presence, but I felt stronger because I felt healthier. It was an amazing and addicting feeling, and to share that with him made me feel good. I wanted him to feel good like I did. 

“It’s nice doing this with you, y’know.” I tell him as I put my phone away and sink into the passenger seat. 

Andrew slides his hand over mine on his abdomen and moves it to his thigh. “Never did I think I’d be willing to go to the gym at this time of night. Not even for the missus.”

I can’t help but chuckle as I look out the window. “That’s one way to spend your anniversary.”

“A year, huh?” He hums, squeezing my hand. “Can’t believe it.”

I roll my head in his direction. “One year on Saturday. It’s crazy, isn’t it? Three months exactly married.”

“Fucking diabolical behaviour.” He chuckles, shaking his head. “But I don’t regret it one bit.”

Gazing down at the rings on my hand, I bite my lip and nod in agreement. “Best thing I ever did was say yes to you.”

We stop by our favourite Mexican place and order dinner before heading home to my flat. We have a quiet night in, eating on the floor of the living room as we watch whatever late night show is on. 

After a busy and somewhat stressful couple of weeks, it was nice to unwind and do nothing alongside him. His next musical engagement wasn’t for a little while now, the only thing on the calendar for the rest of the month being some studio time he’d booked with a producer in the city he and Alex were keen to work with. 

I was doing my best to manage my schedule so that I could take on more editing work and book a few less shoots to help aid the stress levels Andrew hadn’t let up about. After the gala and our stay in Kilruddery, we had had a big talk about everything that had gotten between us and he had come out point blank and told me he was struggling to navigate my moods and secrecy around my stress and anxiety. I couldn’t blame him, I wasn’t managing it well and it had started to affect him. Did I know the answer? No. Was I okay with becoming less distracted by work? No. Was I still anxious about the noise online? Yes. Fucking yes. But I was trying. It wasn’t as easy as less screen time and ignoring notifications. But I was doing my best and I was trying to communicate more. I was trying to focus on the thing that was bringing me peace and happiness. 

Him. We got married for crying out loud. I deserved to indulge in my first year of marriage and enjoy it with him. College Dia & Andy would be appalled if we didn’t cherish this first year together. If at the very least I couldn’t show up for myself, I had to show up for them. 

After dinner we head upstairs to shower together and he washes my hair the way I had taught him to, double shampooing and putting those long manicured guitar nails to use on my scalp. When he’s done, I do the same for him before running the sponge over his back and massaging out the kinks in his shoulders. He tries to return the favour but ends up pressing me against the cold tiled walls and sucking on my neck instead. It takes everything I have not to give in, because I was exhausted after the work out and didn’t have the energy to take it while standing. 

By the time we fall into bed, my eyes are almost already closed, embraced by his familiar post-shower smell, and his warm yet cool body wrapped around mine in my plush bed. I would have rather been at his place in the country, but we had plans to go to dinner on our actual anniversary at a place we liked by his house tomorrow night, before returning to the city on Sunday afternoon so I could make my set at Temple Bar. A busy weekend, but by his side, I didn’t mind. 

I feel him smile into my forehead as I rest my cheek on his chest, burying my face into his clean hoodie. Perfection. I can’t believe I’d been without this feeling for a solid ten years at some point. College Lidia used to crave this kind of intimacy with him. 

“Night, Dia. I love you.”

Finally. Peace at last. 

“Love you too, Andy.”

A 

I tilt my head to the side as she comes down the stairs, blushing from my attention on her. “Ack, don’t ye look nice…”

Lidia scowls as she slides her little white beaded bag onto her shoulder. Her dark high-waisted jeans hugged her body like perfection, much like the black top with the low yet modest neckline she’d paired with them. Anyone would say I was biased because she was my partner, but they couldn’t deny how feckin’ gorgeous she was. 

I lift her leather jacket off the hook by my front door and hold it out to her. Lidia smiles and shakes her head, instead reaching for my brown suede leather jacket instead. 

“Oh? My jacket?” 

Sliding it on and replacing her bag onto her shoulder, she grins her deep red lips at me. 

“My husband’s jacket. It smells like him. And I like his smell on me.” She tells me cooly. I feel a shiver descend my spine as though it was her nails creeping down it themselves. I put her jacket back and nod. Christ. 

“Yeah, okay. That’s cool. It suits you, like.”

Pulling her hair out from under the collar, she shoots me a deadly wink. “I know.”

God help me.

Lidia follows me out to my car, lingering behind me after I lock the front door. When I turn around, she has her phone up at me, smirking cheekily behind her screen. 

“What are you doing?”

“Taking a photo of you- you know your arse looks really good in those black Levi’s, yeah? Like, really good. I told you going for the higher inseam was a good idea.” She reports back smugly before lowering her phone and typing away. 

I let out a laugh and stop, waiting for her to catch up to me. “What are you doing with that?”

“Sending it to Jules to tell him I was right. I was telling him all about these jeans on Friday in the office.” Lidia giggles. 

I wrap my arm around her shoulders and lean in. “You just like them because they’re tight around my- “

“Yes, and your- “

“Dia.”

She reaches up to peck my cheek, which isn’t hard in her heeled boots. “Love you, husband.”

“I’m feeling objectified, wife.”

“Oh, do not get it twisted, I don’t objectify, I worship.”

God help me. Had I said that already?

We get to the restaurant and I take the lead as I give my name for our reservation. It was an incredible Indian place we loved and often came back to repeatedly. We’d come here to celebrate our engagement, and we’d come here the night before we drove to Sligo to get married. The owners always made us feel welcome and specially taken care of when we walked through the door, and the food was on another level to any Indian places I’d been to in the past. 

They take us to a table toward the back we liked, the one with the deeply comfortable leather chairs. Lidia takes the booth seat and I slide in across from her, thanking the familiar face of the waiter as he places two menus in front of us. Lidia orders a white wine and I a beer, before he disappears and she relaxes into her seat. 

She lets out a breath and smiles softly at me. “Happy anniversary, baby.”

I chuckle and reach across the table to squeeze her hand. “Happy anniversary, darlin’. Have we not said that yet?” I tease, knowing we’d both said it multiple times that day. 

First thing in the morning after having woken, again after climaxing an hour after that, again after breakfast at our favourite cafe and again while lazing on the couch for the rest of the day. We’d planned on going for a hike but ended up staying in to watch movies and relax, an outcome we were both very happy with. 

And again. At our favourite restaurant for dinner. 

“I can’t believe it’s been one whole year of dating you again.” Lidia hums teasingly as she looks down at her menu. “I wonder when you’ll ask me to move in.”

I let out a laugh and shake my head. “I’m trying to pace the relationship, like. I don’t want to rush anything.” It was an old joke between us, but one that really highlighted just how much we’d done in our first year back together. 

“It’s funny sometimes, when I think about how hesitant and how scared I was to get back together,” Lidia admits softly as her eyes gaze over the menu. We’d likely end up getting the share plates we always got, but each time we added something different to try and tonight I was letting her pick. Last time I’d chosen, and we’d both happily put a strike through it. 

“Yeah?”

She nods, looking back up at me. “I was so afraid, yet as soon as I committed, it’s like…everything fell into place. Never did I think I would have agreed to even getting engaged so early on, let alone getting married. But once I was in it, it’s like the fear went away.”

“Sometimes I think about being married and having done all of that so early on and it terrifies me,” I admit quietly, “but it’s a good kind of fear, I think. I think I fear losing it all, and it makes me try harder not to lose it. Lose you. Lose this time together. I don’t want to lose another ten years.”

Her eyes soften as she takes in my words. I hadn’t expected to be so vulnerable at that moment, but she was my safe space. It came easy with her.

“That’s why I asked you at six months. Despite how feckin’ crazy that is.”

“I’m proud of us for working through everything that happened between us, Andrew,” Lidia says softly. “From where we started, I’m proud of us for not adding any more time to that ten years.”

A small smile tugs at my lips. “So am I, Dia.”

L

During our stay in Wicklow over the weekend, though short, we manage to squeeze in coffee with his parents at a local cafe that had the most brilliant art on the walls done by the owner. I’d only been here a handful of times, first drawn to it because it was called Francesca’s and that obviously drew my mind to Andrew’s song of the same name. 

“And I did want to apologise again, Lidia, about my overbearing sisters.” Lorraine winces while Andrew goes up to the counter to order. “I had no idea they were going to ambush you like that at the barbeque. As you know, some of my family can be very traditional.” 

“It’s okay,” I insist with a chuckle, waving away her concern. “I didn’t think Andrew was going to call you. I would have told him not to worry about it.”

“Aye, he did the right thing,” John defends from across from me. “They have no business putting pressure on the two of ye. They did the same to Sarah.”

“Jon actually saved me from the conversation,” I admit gratefully. “I suppose those two are perhaps better equipped for that line of questioning.”

“Maybe,” Lorraine nods in agreement, “but that doesn’t excuse their behaviour. I just want you to know there’s no pressure from us or anybody for the two of you to rush yourselves like that.”

“You’ve rushed yourselves enough already.” John teases. 

Lorraine scowls at him but I can’t help but laugh. 

“No, you’re right,” I nod. “I wasn’t completely surprised by their questioning, maybe just a little unprepared to face it so boldly. But it’s okay, Andrew and I don’t feel pressure to have children right now. Getting married as early as we did means we talked about all of that so we don’t do anything we’re not ready to do.”

“Well, that’s very good to hear.” Lorraine smiles as she settles back into her seat. “Although it was a surprise, John and I were married within six months of getting together and it’s the best decision I’ve ever made.”

“What’s the best decision you’ve ever made?” Andrew asks as he returns to the table and slides back into the seat beside me. “I got you the chocolate cake, the brownie was all gone. Trust me, it looks incredible.” He murmurs as he kisses my cheek. 

“Thanks, love.” I smile softly before turning back to Lorraine. 

“Getting married six months after meeting your da. I was just apologising again to Lidia about my sisters.” 

“It’s not necessary.” I say more to Andrew who still seemed riled up about it. “It’s okay.”

“It wasn’t okay.” Andrew states, sitting back with his arms crossed. “It was uncalled for.”

I place a hand on his thigh under the table, easing him. “Let’s not keep bringing it up. It’s okay. Really.”

“What else have you got planned for your anniversary? I can’t believe it’s already been a year.” Lorraine smiles, changing the subject much to my relief. 

“We went to dinner last night. We’ve just had a quiet weekend, really. It’s been nice because everything’s been so busy. It’s been nice to do something…lowkey.” 

“That’s Dia’s way of saying I better do something more exciting for our wedding anniversary.” Andrew smirks. 

I scowl, sending him a look. “Stop trying to make me look bad. I have appreciated a quiet anniversary.”

“Right, right.” He chuckles, draping an arm around my shoulders and pulling me into his shoulder. “No, it’s been nice. Dia’s playing a set tonight at Temple Bar, so we’re going to head back shortly to the city.”

“And you two are managing the living situation?” Andrew’s father asks curiously. We’re interrupted briefly as a girl brings our coffees and cakes over, placing a decadent slice of cake between Andrew and I. Their chocolate brownie here was to die for, so I was a little sad not to get my usual but if the girl had managed to sweet talk Andrew into a slice of the chocolate cake, I had to give her some credit. 

“It’s not a problem,” Andrew nods quickly, protective of our arrangement. “It’s handy. Means I don’t have to do long drives when I need to be in the city. We can be out in the country on the weekends and switch off.”

“You don’t miss each other?” Lorraine questions as she sips her tea. 

I look up to Andrew with a teasing smile. He blushes and rolls his eyes, lifting his coffee cup to his lips. 

I chuckle as I pick up my fork. He often called me on his drives in and out of the city, and sucked at saying goodbye when one of us was heading to the other home. He was a sap about it and that lived between us, something I lightly teased him about from time to time but something nobody else ever heard about. 

The squeeze on my thigh tells me to keep it that way. 

“No. We manage.” He tells his mother with a tight smile that I’m sure she can see right through. 

After a sweet catch up with Andrew’s folks, we head back toward the city. I can tell Andrew would rather be staying in the countryside for a few days, but he’s a good sport and joins me back to my flat despite having no commitments in the city this week. When I’d asked him why he didn’t just stay at his house considering he didn’t have to come back with me, he just smiled and draped his arm around my shoulders, pulling me into his side. 

Oh.

When we get back to my flat Andrew practices on guitar with me for my set that evening. He was going to come down with Stevie later in the evening, but I had plans to meet Zara and Julien down there before my set for a drink. I had no plans to share the stage with Andrew, but it was nice rehearsing with him. There was something a little bizarre about doing this around our anniversary years after college. It wasn’t lost on me, the unique journey we’d taken to get here, but I found it sweet nonetheless. 

By the time I get to Temple Bar, I’m a little nervous because it had been a little while since I’d played a set, but I was happy to see the owner Rob, who welcomed me back with a bone crushing hug after having dropped my guitar in his office. 

“I’m still waiting for you and the lad to do a set together, y’know. Bring the numbers in.” He teases, knowing very well that wouldn’t be happening. Nor did he need any help with business, being the number one pub destination in Dublin.

I roll my eyes affectionately as he slides a complimentary glass of red wine over the bar. “Yeah, yeah. He’s coming down later but he won’t be coming onstage. He wants to sneak in unnoticed.”

Rob waves me off. “Don’t worry, we’ve got a back door and all if needed.”

I chuckle and raise my glass to him. “Thanks Rob. See you at half nine.”

“Good luck tonight, darlin’.”

I take my glass over to the table Julien and Zara reserved in the corner near the stage. As soon as I slide in beside Zara I can’t help but laugh as I observe her outfit. 

“Oh, you bitch.” She gasps dramatically before wrapping her arms around me. 

Julien leans forward over the table. “Are you wearing the same thing?”

I tip my head back and laugh. I had been so happy with the way my new brown suede mini skirt had paired with my black off the shoulder sweater, and apparently, so had Zara. The only thing that set us apart was the fact that she had gone with a pair of strappy little kitten heels, and I had opted for my trustworthy black leather knee high boots. That, and the fact that I had my mother’s blonde curly hair and she, her mother’s gorgeously long box braids. 

Elle laughs from Julien’s side. “At least it’s a cute outfit.”

“Good thing I’m not up there with you.” Zara teases, kissing my cheek before sipping her pint of Guinness. 

“Maybe you should come up, we can be a duo.” I chuckle, shaking my head. “It’s a cute skirt though, what can I say?”

“Is Andrew not joining you?” Julien cuts in curiously. 

“Yeah, I want to see him up there with you.” Zara beams. 

I shake my head quickly. “He’s dropping in later, but no, we’re not singing together. No way.”

“I thought you two sounded lovely at the event the other week,” Elle smiles kindly. “Jules showed me the videos. You looked gorgeous.”

“Oh,” I blush, “thank you.”

Naturally, videos had gone around of Andrew’s performance. It was to be expected, but that had also meant clips of us singing together and me backing him up on keys had gone around. Had I looked at the comment sections beneath them? Naturally, yes. Did I regret that choice? Of course I did. 

Why is she replacing Alex on keys? Lol what even is this version of TMTC? Yikes

He’s gotta give her a paycheck somehow, I guess

Is it just me or are they icy cold up there? 

I liked their duet better when she was a nobody. Oh…wait…she still is. 

Isn’t she a photographer? Why isn’t she taking photos? 

She doesn’t belong there with him. 

Hmm maybe he should have kept her autotune on. 

Somebody call Alex. And any other female vocalist. How embarrassing.

There had been kindness, and warm praise, but they were lost between all of the digs and jabs that were beginning to feel more like stabs to open wounds. I didn’t need praise, in fact I didn’t want it at all. I just wanted to be left alone. 

I was nervous to sing tonight, but I had promised Rob after having promised him and then rescheduling so many times. I used to play here every two weeks, and now I was lucky to play here once a month with how busy I had been. To say I wasn’t starting to doubt my musical ability was an understatement.

But when I felt insecure and unsure, that was when I had to push myself to try. 

Half nine rolls around and Rob cuts the music to announce my set. Taking my glass of red I squeeze through the few people between our table and the stage and make my way up to my spot. He’d placed my guitar on stage earlier and it was all set to go. As I lifted it over my head and looked out at the busy pub, I started to slowly gather myself and return to my natural habitat. 

“Good evening,” I greet to a reasonably warm reception. “My name is Lidia, you’ll be humouring me for a bit while I sing some songs. If you’re nice, I’ll take requests- “

“Play Hozier!”

I wince instantly. Right. Okay. Deep breath. “I said if you’re nice.” I tease lightly as I strum my guitar and eye my glass of wine on the stool beside me, wishing I could down it in a way that was still respectable under so many eyes. 

“Play In A Week!”

“I’m afraid I’m on my own tonight and that’s a duet,” I hum into the guitar, “besides, I- “

“Play something decent!”

“Let her feckin’ sing!” I hear Julien call back as he looks over the top of the booth seat for the anonymous voice amongst the pub. It was loud enough in here that it wasn’t super awkward and not everyone was paying attention to me, but it still made me uncomfortable and awkward. This was a safe space where I was a nobody; just somebody getting a drink with friends and playing a faceless set to appease a few merry drunk folk. 

Now it felt weird. I felt uncomfortable and unwelcome. I was getting in my head. 

Regardless, I push my way through a set of covers, leaving minimal time between songs to open the floor up to cover requests. Covering Andrew’s music was out of the question, and I didn’t want to have to come up with awkward excuses to avoid his name. 

Finishing up a song that was on heavy rotation on my indie folk playlist on Spotify, I take a moment to sip my wine and tune my guitar as loud, jolly chatter fills the pub. I might be the musical entertainment, but I wasn’t the main attraction- the bar itself was a tourist hot spot and you’d be hard pressed to find more than a handful of locals here. It’s one thing I kind of loved about this place, there were always so many interesting people from all over. While my friends and I had other locals we frequented when we were in the mood for deep conversation, it certainly brought an atmosphere when you were booked to cover the stage for an hour and a bit. 

“Alright, I’m coming up on my last songs,” I murmur into the mic once I’d done with my tuning. I had maybe five left, and hadn’t yet seen Andrew. In some regard I was kind of relieved, now a little embarrassed about earlier and the idea of him witnessing that. “If you have any requests, speak now or forever hold your- “

“Take Me to Church!”

My heart sinks. Fuck sake. 

“Boo! You’re rubbish, love!”

Okay. Ouch, mate.

“You’re fuckin’ rubbish, mate!” I hear Julien chide back. 

I strum my guitar before sliding my phone out of my pocket and tapping a quick message before placing it on the stool beside me. I strum louder, drowning out the hecklers before moving onto a Cranberries song to distract an unharmonious audience. 

Focus. Focus on the technical side. Ignore the emotion. 

Fuck. This. 

A

From: Dia 🖤

Don’t bother coming down. Rubbish atmosphere. Almost done.

Her text made me nervous. It sounded closed off and unexcited after she had been looking forward to this for weeks. Lidia’s schedule didn’t really grant her the free time to mess about with music anymore, so when she had the opportunity to play a set at the bar, she accepted it immediately. It brought me joy to see her take up the offer, and I’d grown used to going down to watch her. I was a proud partner and an even prouder former musical partner. 

So when she’d texted me not to come as I was halfway out the door, I was confused. And concerned. I’d texted Julien to ask him what was going on, and his message angered me. 

From: Julien (Dia)

Hecklers. Ruining it for everyone. She sounds gorgeous though. 

I wanted to go down there. But I know she’d hate that, so instead I waited at home in her flat and I poured us a glass of wine. When she’d messaged me she was on her way home, I started running her a hot bath. I could feel the tension radiating from here and knew she’d need to wind down. This way, I could force her to take a step back and address the emotions rather than shove them down. I just wanted her to feel at ease, for her sake, and also for mine. 

When she comes in through the front door, I do my best not to overcrowd her, but she’s surprisingly at ease. 

Lidia looks at me as she places her bag on the credenza and rests her guitar case against the wall. “Hi, darlin’.”

“Hey,” I murmur, walking over to her with my arms open. “Okay?”

“Yeah, just a shitty bunch of people in the pub.” She muses as she slides her arms around my shoulders. I kiss her sweetly as I wrap my arms around her waist and hug her tightly. 

“Yeah?”

“Yeah. Drunk blokes calling me love.” Lidia scoffs. “It’s okay, though. I drowned them out with an Ed Sheeran song they hated.”

I let out a laugh. “That right?”

“Yeah, an early one off his first record. That’s a good album, like. Underrated, in my opinion.” She hums into my shoulder. 

“I think ye might be a decade late on that one, love. But I’ll pass on the praise.” I tease.

Lidia pulls back, eyeing me. “Wait, you know Ed Sheeran?”

I look at her and nod. “Nice lad.”

“I forget you’re a little popstar sometimes.” 

I roll my eyes affectionately before kissing her forehead. “Yeah, yeah. I wanted to come see you sing tonight.”

“It’s okay,” she murmurs softly. “Maybe next time.”

Despite her brave face, she seems deflated in my arms and I feel for her. I too had experienced many heckling audiences in the past, and every now and then I played to what felt like a dead audience. But I hadn’t played in a bar in a long time, and from memory, losing an audience like that felt soul crushing. 

“Well, you can tell me all about it later,” I hum, knowing full well she would be doing no such thing, but the charade helped her ease up a little. I let go of her to reach for one of the glasses of wine on the kitchen bench. “Now, I want you to drink this.”

Obligingly, Lidia takes the glass and brings it to her rosy lips. “You trying to get me drunk?”

“No, just loosened up,” I chuckle as I tug on her hand, guiding her down the hall. “I want you to relax. Take a- “

“You ran me a hot bath?” 

I look at her over my shoulder, pouting in disbelief as we stop in the doorway of her bathroom. Turning to her, I nod and lean down to kiss her cheek. “Let me take your things. Get undressed and get in.”

Lidia sighs and leans into my chest. I wrap an arm around her immediately, rubbing circles into her back. “I love you. You’re too good to me.”

I shake my head. “Never.”

Peering up at me, she places a hand lovingly on my jaw. “Come in with me?”

A blush travels up my neck immediately, most likely worsened by her touch. “I…”

“Please?”

It doesn’t take long before I’m climbing into the tub behind her, letting her sink back against me as we sip our wine and submerse ourselves beneath the hot water and bubbles that float on the surface. Lidia rests her head on my shoulder and sighs deeply, closing her eyes. I look down at her, watching her lashes flutter every time she took a breath. 

“This is what I needed.” She admits quietly. “This. You.”

“Mm?” I sip my wine before settling back against the wall of the tub, using my free hand to trace the ink etched into her skin. It still remained one of my favourite things about her physicality. She was an angel in my hands, and sometimes I couldn’t believe I was holding her again. We might have just celebrated a year together, but I had lived a drought of her surpassing ten years just prior. I hadn’t had her in my grasp nearly enough. 

“I love you, you know that, right?” She asks quietly. 

My brow furrows at her question. Why was she asking me that? 

“I really love you. I care so much for you.”

Her voice is heavy and it worries me. I reach over the edge of the tub and place my glass on the ground so I can slide my hands around her waist. Gently, I press my lips to the back of her shoulder blade, memorising the ink beneath them like the bible. If she is my religion, I am kneeling at her altar. 

“I’ve…I feel like I’ve been a little lost recently,” she admits so quietly I can barely hear her. “I’ve kind of gotten lost in all of the…noise.” 

“Mm?’’

I’m surprised by her open vulnerability, that I worried about scaring her off. Something challenging that I knew about Lidia was her resistance to being vulnerable in front of me. It didn’t come naturally to her because she was so protective over herself, and I didn’t blame her. She didn’t want to appear hurt, and certainly not by me or anything surrounding me, not after our past. I knew how vulnerable she had to make herself in order to commit to me like this, even if she didn’t like to admit it. So when she opened up like this, it was like my breath froze in my throat so as not to spook her. 

“I think I want to take next week off.” 

“Okay.” I nod softly, supportively. 

“I just…”

“You don’t need a reason. I think it’s good. We can spend time together.”

“Like this?” 

A small smile tugs at my lips. “Like this. I’ll run ye a bath every night.”

Lidia looks at me over her shoulder, her sweet face even more striking in side profile. “I really do love you, Andy.”

I press a kiss to her shoulder. “I know.”

Gracefully, she turns around in my lap, careful not to spill her wine as she straddles my thighs. The soap suds slide down her chest, her breasts glistening under the dim lighting. Her hair was held up messily in a clasp, a few loose tendrils hanging around her face. She was an angel in the purest form, with a heavenly cathedral painted down her spine. She was my heaven. 

“Stay home with me next week,” I ask her gently. “Let me take care of you for a bit. You need a break.”

Lidia sips her wine before placing it on the ground beside mine. She slides her hands onto my shoulders and leans in to kiss me passionately. I accept it immediately, feeling her desire with every movement of her lips and her tongue. She moves further up my thighs, drawing my body to her in response. It doesn’t take much, because I am putty in her hands at this point. I slide my hands down her sides, to the small of her waist, pulling her closer to me. 

“Lidia.” I murmur between breaths. 

She pulls back slightly, resting her forehead against mine. Her breath is hot on my face. “Yes, Andrew?”

I open my eyes, expecting to look into hers, but they’re closed. Hiding in plain sight. I see the exhaustion and the hurt on her face. She is affected by all of this, even if she can’t bring herself to say it out loud. 

“I’m sorry they treated you like shit, tonight.” I tell her softly. 

She bites down on her quivering lip before she wraps her arms around me, hugging me tenderly. 

“You don’t,” she murmurs quietly. “And that’s all that matters.”

Chapter Text

A

I shake my nervous hands out in front of me as I wait outside the small hall for her to arrive. This was it. We were doing this. Christ. Nine months- was that crazy? What if she doesn’t show up? No, she wants this- she told me herself she didn’t want to have a long engagement after all. If we’re going to do it, let’s do it now and commit. Sure, we could wait. We could give it a couple years and strengthen our reconnection some more. Of course we could do that. 

‘But Andy, I’d like to marry you three months from now.’ 

It was Lidia. My Dia. The light of my life, the light of which, hadn’t gone out. 

The moment the words had left her mouth it was like my body weakened and I’d given in immediately. I wouldn’t have asked if I wasn’t sure. Why the fuck not? I. Love. Her. 

And I was so sure of her love for me- 

“Andy?”

My head snaps up in the direction of her voice. The moment I lay eyes on her, they water and I’m a fucking goner. Lidia’s eyes mirror mine, glassy and full of love and hope. And peace. While nervous, she seemed at peace. 

Conor walks her up to me, his hand clutched tightly in hers for support. She looks like a heaven sent angel, and my heart can barely handle it. As I had suspected, her dress was made of silk, and while simple, the most stunning thing I’d ever seen her in. And I’d seen her in a lot of lingerie. 

The material hugged her body in all the right places -all of my favourite places- before flowing to her feet. The v-neckline was sexy yet classy, the perfect balance. Surprisingly, she wore her curly blonde hair in a loose updo, with a few pieces framing her face. Her mother’s veil was pinned perfectly behind her, and I knew the second I saw it placed over her before we walked in, I’d likely be a mess. This is my bride. My wife. This woman is my entire heart and I can’t believe I’m marrying her right now. 

“Dia. Hi.”

Her lip is released from between her teeth and she breaks into a smile. I feel the shot through my heart, her love a physical presence in my body. She looks so happy, and all I want to do is protect her. From everything. 

“You look so handsome, Andy.” She tells me softly as she walks up to me. Conor steps back for a minute, allowing us this brief moment to take one another in before we take our next steps. 

“Dia,” I chuckle, sliding my hands onto her hips. “You’re joking, right? You’re…Christ. I don’t have words, if you can believe it.”

She blushes slightly, lifting her bouquet to hide her face but failing miserably. I notice the mix of our birth flowers and know that she too has my heart front of mind. This woman wants to protect me too. And I felt it. 

“You look…heavenly.”

“Thanks, Andy.” 

“I…”

“Is this a little bit crazy?”

I laugh, nodding as I wiped my misty eyes. “A little bit, yeah.”

“I guess we’ve always done things…our way?” She chuckles, squeezing my bicep. 

“We have. And look where it’s gotten us.”

Her face softens, and I see the weight of her emotions welling in her eyes. “I’m marrying my best friend today.”

“Yeah? I happen to be marrying mine.”

Conor places a hand on Lidia’s shoulder. “Now that we’ve agreed on that, shall we head inside and get you kids sorted?” 

Lidia chuckles and nods as she lets go of me. “Let’s get ourselves sorted out, yeah?”

I laugh. “Let’s do it.”

Conor helps Lidia with her veil, placing it delicately over her. God. My brain could hardly process the image. Dia from my music performance class- the very first day I laid eyes on her. Lidia O’Keane, the woman I was making my wife. 

Conor hugs her tightly, whispering gentle words into her ear before he turns to me with misty eyes and a warm smile. 

“She’s the best woman you’ll ever have, son. Remember that.”

Lidia blushes. “Da- “

“No, he’s right.” I chuckle as I’m pulled into a bone crushing hug. 

“Take care of her.” Conor whispers. 

“I promise.” I whisper back. 

He pats me on the back and shoots me a wink as he pulls away. Taking a deep breath he steps forward to open the doors for us. We were walking down the aisle together, hand in hand as a way to signify that we were stepping into our future, together. Neither Conor nor Lidia agreed with a woman being ‘given away’, and when Lidia had suggested we do this part together, Conor had been supportive of it. 

The doors open and I take a deep breath before holding my hand out to Lidia. She smiles and takes it, shooting me a wink as we turn to the altar. Conor makes his way to the front row and we step over the threshold. 

This is it. 

We were doing it. 

I was marrying my best friend today.

L 

“What are you doing today?” 

I look up as Andrew hovers over my shoulder, a hand planted firmly on the table either side of me while I eat my breakfast at the kitchen bench. We were currently in his home, having spent most of the week hiding out in the countryside while I took some time off work. I could only manage the week, but it had so far been enough to reset and refresh, something I was overdue in doing for myself. 

“I’m going to garden a little bit while I’m still here and then head back to mine in the afternoon- you’re still coming to the flat after the studio, yeah?” I ask quietly as I reach up behind me to wrap my arms around his neck. 

Andrew nods, pressing his lips just below my ear. “Mmhmm. How would you feel about coming by the studio this afternoon?”

I raise a brow and tip my head back, finally looking up at him. Pretty man . “To visit you for lunch?”

“Yeah, we could go get lunch. And, I was wonderin’ if you’d lay some vocals on a demo. Just BV’s. We don’t have a female voice in the studio today.” He hums carefully. 

While we had progressed past the situation that had led to our split, I appreciated that he was being delicate about asking this of me. I knew he wasn’t asking me to be a backing vocalist for him, that this was just a demo, which is why I was okay with it. Put that on personal growth, perhaps. 

“Aren’t you in the studio with a female producer today?” I remind him curiously. 

“Yeah, but she’s not a singer. She doesn’t sing, like. Brilliant musician though.” 

I nod. “Okay. But can I come by later? I’ve got some stuff to do this morning.” I bargain. 

Andrew nods and kisses me sweetly, despite our lips meeting upside down. “Of course, darlin’. I’ll send you the details.” 

I kiss him back and he groans in my mouth, most likely over the fact that he was late to the studio as it was and needed to get going. 

“Dia…” 

“Just stay for a little bit.” I whisper between kisses. “Get in the shower with me.”

Andrew chuckles, his beard grazing against my jaw. “I’ve already showered this morning.”

“I think you missed a spot.”

He laughs. “I have to go, darlin’. Will you bring my bag back with you? It’s on the bed.”

I sigh dramatically. “Yes. Fine.”

Andrew gives me a look, one that likely says ‘stop being a brat’ before he presses his lips to mine once more. “I’ll see you this afternoon, okay?”

“Okay. I don’t know, I just thought my husband might have- “

Cheekily, he slips his hands under my t-shirt, squeezing my breasts. He nips my jaw with his teeth, cutting me off from my dramatic gaslighting. “Behave.”

“Andy!” 

He laughs and kisses my cheek. “I love you, Lidia.”

“Love you, Andrew.”

A

I nod along to the play back of the demo, arms crossed over my chest as I tune in. I glance across the studio to see Alex equally as locked in, eyes shut and nodding along intensely. 

That’s when I know it’s a tune. 

Aaliyah, the producer we were working with, has a background in soul and funk music, which she combined with her own gorgeous brand of folk that somehow made perfect sense when it left her fingertips. Alex had suggested we write a song with her to flex the muscles, and I was loving every minute of it. Initially I’d been hesitant, unsure if we would be a good match despite personally being a fan of her work. But so quickly she had created an ease in the studio that let us run wild with our creativity. This was our second day in the studio and I had a good feeling we’d be able to wrap by this evening. 

“That’s gorgeous,” Aaliyah grins, clapping her hands as she dances in her seat behind the mixing board. “Hell yeah!”

“Fuckin’ brilliant,” Alex nods. “I don’t think that sounds like anything we’ve done before.” 

“That’s what I’m afraid of.” I chuckle. 

Aaliyah scoffs, shaking her head. “Oh please. It’s got you written all over it, just in a way you’ve never heard. It’s funky.” 

“Hear that? I’m funky.” 

Alex laughs. “Never thought I’d hear that said out loud.” 

“It’s got soul,” Aaliyah insists as she waves the session guitarist in for a playback. “Really groovy guitar loop, too. But needs more BV’s. Especially on the chorus. Needs female vocals.” 

Aaliyah herself wasn’t a vocalist, but she had an extensive list of connections for when the time came to do some real takes. Because we were treating these sessions as a casual jam to see what we could come up with, Alex hadn’t bothered to pull in too many session musicians. Instead, we’d relied on the three of us and a session guitarist Aaliyah knew to get the demo out. Max was a proper funk guitarist, and had no problem achieving what we were imagining in our heads.  

“Is your bird coming in this afternoon?” Alex asks me from the couch. 

I nod. “Yeah, she should be soon.” 

“Is this the wife?” Aaliyah beams. “I get to meet Mrs Hozier?” 

Alex lets out a laugh, likely about Lidia’s disdain for being called my Mrs. I can’t help but chuckle. If there’s something Lidia didn’t like about being married, it was when people called her Mrs Andrew Hozier-Byrne, assuming she’d taken my name. 

‘I don’t get it. I’m not the Mrs version of you. I didn’t realise I had to give up my identity to become a wife. If anything, you should become Mr Lidia O’Keane.’

We’d had a good laugh with that one that day. Alex had insisted I’d been Mr Lidia O’Keane since the day we’d met in college. 

“You do,” I laugh. “We made music together in college. She did a couple shows with us last year because of the tenth anniversary of my first album. She wrote one of the songs with me.” I explain. 

Aaliyah nods. “I love the song. You guys are wonderful together. You ought to sing together more.” 

“That’s what I keep telling her,” I nod, sending her a look as I drop into the seat beside her. “But she’s a very successful photographer. That’s her passion.” 

“She has what we call a real job.” Alex smirks. 

Aaliyah laughs before returning her gaze back to me. “You must be very proud of her.” 

I bite my lip to suppress the slight blush of pride. 

“Yeah. I am.” 

L

Honey please, try to love me

Honey please, honey try 

My love will never die   

I flip the CD over as I lay on the floor of Andrew’s living room, listening to one of the bonus tracks on a special version of his debut album. I’d never come across this version of the album, therefore never heard this song before. While it was new to me, the tone of his youthful voice sent me back years instantly. Flashes of our time in college washed over me. Days spent in the music rooms, in the pub on campus. With Alex, with the small group of female friends I hadn’t ended up staying in touch with. All of those memories came flooding back as I let his voice fill the room. 

Pulling my phone out, out of habit, I brought up the Facebook app I rarely used (because who did these days?) and typed in the name of our shared account we had created for our musical duo that we had since turned to private. 

We’d made the decision last year after we started seeing an influx of followers and activity on the posts. It was too late to keep them private, as the videos had been saved and reposted across other platforms, but it was more the comments from friends and family - and my mother- that I had wanted to keep sacred for us. It was a bit of a comfort habit, scrolling through the old posts and watching the videos through terrible quality uploads. Andrew had actually had the videos restored and saved them on a hard drive so we could keep them for our own collection. It was a sweet gift he’d presented to me ahead of our wedding, one that had me teary and pouty as we watched them together on his television late one night. 

I realised then just how sure I was about committing to a future with him and how much safety I found in our history. While this experience with the online noise has been challenging and at times unbearable, he kept me grounded in the reasons why I was still here. 

Him. Us. Protecting our home- we were my home. 

I waste some more time doom scrolling through old posts until I go down a rabbit hole of old pictures of Andrew, from a time I had missed out on during our years apart. I’d never admit to him the wasted time I spent on him, not even when a text message comes through from him asking me what I’m up to.

From: Andrew

When are you coming by the studio 

To: Andrew

Leaving shortly why 

From: Andrew 

*sigh* 

To: Andrew 

Fine I’ll leave soon. But I want a sweet treat after for my efforts 

From: Andrew

What you want

To: Andrew

🍩

From: Andrew

Fine. Come now x

I roll my eyes affectionately before getting my stuff together to take back to my flat. I’d enjoyed spending the week together at his peaceful house in the country, so much so that I didn’t have much interest in heading back to the city, but knew I had to in order to get back into work in the next couple days. 

When I get to his bedroom, I see his overnight bag on the end of the bed and throw my things in before zipping it up. I pause at the sight of his black leather journal, one I would have thought he’d take with him, considering it was what he tended to use for bits and pieces of songs as well as thoughts. The book taunts me, begging me to open it and take a peak. 

I bite my lip. I didn’t have a reason to cross those boundaries for anything other than my own nosy curiosity. But it was right there. But it’s also his journal. If he read mine, I’d be pissed. Don’t do it. But what if he- 

I pick it up. I stare at the book in my hands, feeling the soft leather Andrew felt between his fingers every time he opened the book to pour his soul into it. It felt like I was not just holding his hands in mine, but his entire mind. And I love that mind of his. Sinfully, I open the book, immediately struck by the first page. 

‘To my wife, I love you, but if you read this, I’ll- ‘

I slam the book shut and throw it back into the bag, blushing and turning away. Fuck. I want to roll my eyes at how arrogant he had to be to assume I would read his journal when left in my presence, then remind myself I had picked it up and opened it with the intention to read it.

“I’m a bad wife.” I mutter as I zip the bag up and sling it onto my shoulder. 

Twenty minutes later I’m out the door and on the road to the city, the gorgeous sound of Andrew’s first album -yes, the deluxe version with all the covers- keeping me company through the speakers. 

When Andrew and I had first started making music together, one of the biggest joys from the process was the fact that I could hear his voice whenever I wanted. And if I was really lucky, mine might just be on the track with him. 

Whenever we were split up over the holidays during uni break and we weren’t together, I had this little immediate comfort to keep me company. It created an intimacy that not everyone could access in their partner, one that I never took for granted. And I was also proud of these beautiful things we created. I was even more proud of the things he made on the side, the things that took courage, and belief in himself. I had loved watching him grow in that way. 

While I may have put them away for a period during our time apart, coming back to them over the last year had been like reopening gifts of him that brought me even more joy. 

I have never known peace

Like the damp grass that yields to me

A small smile tugs on my lips as the words pour through my car speakers. I turn up the music as I cruise through the countryside, slipping away into the little world I always did when this song came on or when we were performing it together. I see his face and I see us when we were younger and I feel fulfilled. I feel full of love and at utter peace. 

I think about that day we drove through the countryside after a failed first recording session, how we had been arguing so much he hadn’t seen the little fox dart out in front of the car. He’d felt so bad, even though there was nothing he could have done to avoid hitting it without putting us at risk. I had acted on the adrenalin that had coursed through my body in that moment, finding nothing more important than to protect that little fox from its last fearful moments on Earth, and to protect Andrew from a moment of sheer panic. I don’t know if he believed me when I told him the fox was fine, but at that moment all I cared about was protection. 

And after that, despite the turmoil and the complicated feelings, deep down, I knew there was something inside me that had been reawoken. 

I arrive at the studio just after three, only twenty minutes later than I had originally told Andrew I would make it in. My name had been added to the contact sheet at the front desk, and I was granted access to head up to the studio space they’d booked out. 

While there’s no sign of Andrew, Alex is in the room with the session guitarist and the producer they were working with who he had told me about that I couldn’t remember the name of. But she was gorgeous, and I found myself a little flustered in her presence. 

Andy had told me her name. I know the music she’s worked on. Fuck. What’s her name?

“Dia!” Alex greets as I knock on the door a little nervously. “Andy’s just in the bathroom, come in.”

“Hi,” I wave, greeting him with a hug as he walks over to me. “Alright?”

“Grand. You’ve got to hear this tune. Fucking mint.” He murmurs as he squeezes me tightly, the stubble on his chin brushing against my sweater. 

“Andy’s been holding out on me, I haven’t heard anything of it yet,” I nod, kissing his cheek before we pull apart. The woman behind the mixing desk stands and turns to me with a soft smile. “Hi, I’m Lidia, Andrew’s girlfriend. It’s so nice to meet you after hearing your music through the house the last few months.”

She smiles, but there’s a funny look in her eye that resembles uncertainty. Fuck. Had I offended her? Already? 

“I’m Aaliyah. That’s so nice of you to say.” She says, holding her hand out. Assuming she’d have been the hugging type, I’m a little surprised but shake her hand anyway. I feel a little awkward, like I was intruding on her space. Sure I’d never met the woman before, but I had expected maybe a little more…warmth?

Andrew finally walks through the door, sliding his phone into his back pocket and settling the nerves in my stomach as he looks up and smiles softly at me. 

“Dia. You made it.” He chuckles. “Finally.”

“Hey. Sorry, I got caught up.” I murmur as he wraps me in a hug. Caught up in an Andrew shaped rabbit hole. Not that I would admit that to him. 

“No problem- have you met, Aaliyah, this is Lidia, my wife.” Andrew smiles as he looks between us. 

The look in Aaliyah’s eyes suddenly changes, her suspicious curiosity changing to that of recognition and finally- warmth. 

“Oh my- oh,” she laughs, placing a hand on her forehead. “I was so confused when you introduced yourself.”

Andrew looks at me, amused. “Why? What did you say?”

I pause, confused. Oh God. What had I said? “I- what did I say?”

“You said girlfriend, not wife,” Aaliyah laughs, shaking her head. “I was about to get real nosy for a minute.”

Alex laughs as he collapses onto the couch beside the session musician who I had yet to be introduced to. “Classic.”

I blush profusely. Had I said girlfriend?

Andrew frowns. “Girlfriend?”

“I- I didn’t realise.” I murmur, slightly mortified. Had I really said that? 

“You were about to have some explaining to do, Andrew,” Aaliyah laughs. “A wife and a girlfriend?”

I can sense he’s a little annoyed at me, but he hides it well. 

“We’ve only been married a couple months, like. Dia’s still getting used to the title.” He teases, laughing it off as he squeezes my shoulder. 

“Right. Of course, my bad,” I blush. “Old habit.”

“I have to say, I loved the performances of the two of you last year. I thought that was really sweet to do for the anniversary of the album,” Aaliyah tells me as she crosses her arms over her chest. “Your voices compliment each other so well- Andrew said you used to make music together in college?”

I nod, keeping my eye on him as he moves away from me to grab his water from across the room. I could feel how off he was with me, how personally he’d taken my slip up. 

“We did, yeah. That’s where we met. We started off as a duo and then Andrew got signed and the rest is history. It was really special to re-record the song.” 

“It was a one-take-wonder, that one.” Alex states as he sidles up beside me, filling Andrew’s place while he made conversation with the session musician. 

Aaliyah’s eyes widened. “No way. Really?”

I nod, chuckling. “One and done.”

“I suppose you’ve played it over the years, right? It would be like second nature at that point.”

“We hadn’t played it in about ten years.” I shake my head. “The recording session was the first time.”

“Oh, wow,” Aaliyah murmurs. “But you’d played together, over the years?” 

The blush returns to my cheeks. Right. I guess this was a conversation I had to somewhat be prepared to face from now on. I feel Alex’s eyes watching on in amusement, dying to cut in with a ‘ actually she couldn’t stand him-‘ but somehow he manages to keep his composure. 

“We lost touch for a few years. Last year was the first time we’d reconnected, and we went straight into the studio before I joined the band for the anniversary shows and…the rest kind of happened from there.” 

The rest being we got married.

I didn’t think her eyes could get any bigger, but she manages to surprises me. I suppose it’s good they were like staring into twinkling blue pools of interest and not fiery eyes of judgement. 

“Oh- wow . I’m a sucker for romantic stories. My folks married each other after eight months and they’ve been together for almost fifty years. Good on you guys.” She smiles. 

After we get acquainted with one another, Aaliyah and her session guitarist duck out for a cigarette. Andrew takes that moment to play the song back for me while Alex slides across the backing vocals written out in his surprisingly neat cursive. 

“It’s really good,” I murmur as I nod along. “It’s…funky. It’s so different- the bass is sick.”

“You don’t think it’s too different?” Andrew hums curiously, his eyes trained on the sound board. 

I shrug and look up at him, the tension from earlier still radiating off of him. Was he really that annoyed with me about slipping up? 

“I think it’s different, period. I don’t think that’s a bad thing. I mean I don’t think it’s pop radio friendly, but that’s not really your goal, is it?” I muse. 

“No, not really.” He hums, rubbing his jaw. 

“I think if you’re curious to try new things, you should do it, darlin’. You’ve got the voice for this kind of music. It’s still relative to the music you already make, but it’s…different. In a good way. Exciting.” I assure him. 

Andrew nods, though I can sense his mind is still ticking beyond my input. I reach out and squeeze his shoulder. 

“Stop being a freak about it. It’s good, like.” 

Alex chuckles. “Listen to ya wife, man.” 

Andrew’s eyes flicker to mine. “My wife? Or my girlfriend?” 

I send him a look. “Andrew- “

“It’s fine.” He brushes it off quickly. “Right- should we do a run through, then?” 

Alex raises a brow at me as Andrew heads into the booth. I pull a face at him before following my boyfriend into the booth. This was going to be fun. 

A

“You have to get over it at some point.” 

My jaw tenses as I brush my teeth in her small bathroom. I meet her eyes in the mirror as she leans against the wall behind me. Her arms are folded stubbornly over her chest, pressing her little white t-shirt against her breasts. 

I lean down and spit into the sink, throwing my toothbrush into the holder beside hers before I turn to her and reach around her waist to yank the hand towel from the rail. 

She frowns, watching as I wipe my mouth all over it. 

“You’re so gross.” She mutters, yanking the towel back from me and replacing it over the rail. 

“I don’t have anything to get over.” I tell her simply before walking back into the bedroom. 

She sighs and follows me to bed. We stand on either side of the frame, removing the many display cushions until we’re left with our own. Since half-moving in, I’d brought across a couple of my memory foam pillows and taken two of her preferred pillows back to mine so neither of us had to compromise our necks for the sake of our unorthodox living arrangements. 

Lidia pulls down the covers and we climb in beside one another. All the while she doesn’t take her eyes off me, knowing it was getting on my nerves. Her sweet vanilla scent fills my nostrils as she slides in beside me, her bare legs exposed by her tiny shorts pressing against mine. She was giving me as little space as possible on purpose- we’d made a promise to never go to bed angry with one another and it seemed like she was holding onto that. 

“Lidia- “

“No, don’t call me that,” she frowns as she looks up at me. “Talk to me, Andy.” 

“That’s really rich coming from someone who tells me nothing about how she’s feeling.” I retort, my words harsher than intended. 

I feel bad immediately as I watch her lip tremble, my jab cutting her too deep. Too unfairly. 

Her eyes harden as she fiddles with her rings. 

“It was an accident.” 

I sigh and pinch the bridge of my nose. “Are you embarrassed to call yourself my wife?” 

She scowls at me. “Excuse me?” 

“I mean, girlfriend is a pretty big jump backwards from wife- “

“I told Aaliyah all about how we reconnected last year. If I was embarrassed about marrying you, I would have steered well clear of anything that insinuates you and I had gotten married after a matter of months, Andrew. I’m pretty good at keeping shit to myself.” 

Yeah, like all the stress and pain you’re going through. 

“It was a mistake. A fucking accident- “

“Okay, so why did you jump down my throat at the gala? After I accidentally slipped up- “

“That was different and you know it. That was about our privacy. This was accidentally calling myself your girlfriend to somebody you know. In a controlled environment.” She states firmly, returning to her stubborn stature with her arms across her chest. 

She had a point. I knew that. But it still annoyed me. I don’t know why, but it felt…

“It’s not some Freudian slip, Andrew.” Lidia sighs, reading my mind. 

I look at her, finally giving in after an afternoon spent running circles in my head. 

“I made vows. I made a really big decision to tie our lives together- after everything we’ve been through. I’ve got to really fucking love you in order to do that.” 

“Mm.” 

Lidia pulls her legs up, resting her knees on my thighs as she turns her body to me. “And y’know what else?” 

I look down at her. “What?” 

“I have to really fucking trust you to take this chance. And I do trust you. I trust that you won’t intentionally hurt me, or put me at risk. So no, I’m not embarrassed to call myself your wife, because I’m not embarrassed about marrying you. I’m actually quite proud of you being my husband.” She finishes quietly. Her words land somewhere deep in my chest, and I feel guilty for pushing her to say them, no matter how reassured they made me feel. 

“But,” she sighs, twisting the silver ring I gave her last Christmas. The one I gave her when we were kids. “If I made you question that, I’m sorry. I’m sorry that I’m unsteady with all of the…online noise. I’m sorry if that comes across as me being embarrassed to be your wife. That’s not- “ 

I sigh and pull her into my side, feeling at ease when she wraps her arms around me instantly. 

“Dia, I’m sorry. That’s not what I think. I just…I don’t know, I don’t just assume I have you forever just because we’re married. Sometimes I’m scared I’ll lose you to all of that, because it’s fucking brutal sometimes. I think too highly of you to assume you’d just put yourself through that for me.” I admit painfully. 

“What, you think me putting up with it- for our marriage , is me not thinking highly of myself?” She asks softly. 

“No. But now I think I’m not explaining myself correctly.” I mumble. 

Lidia looks up at me and places a soft hand on my cheek. The cool metal of her rings sends a shiver down my spine; reminds me why we’re here. 

“I understand what you’re saying, Andy. But please, please forgive me for today. And please trust me the way that I trust you. I’d never intentionally hurt you or put you at risk.” She expresses softly. 

I bite my bottom lip but she reaches up with her thumb to pull it from between my teeth. Instead she kisses it, lingering for a moment. 

“You’re my whole heart, Andy. I know I’m not perfect at being a wife, or even a partner, but I’m trying.”

I sigh, tightening my grip around her. “You are perfect, Lid. Fuck, I’m sorry- I don’t know why it got me so in my head.”

“I think it triggered your insecurities and your fears about this- and that’s okay- if you talk to me. I thought I was the one that was bad at talking about feelings.”

A laugh escapes my lips as she cuddles into my side. “Alright, alright.” 

Lidia kisses my cheek, bringing my face down to hers. “Are we okay? Do you forgive me?”

I nod and kiss her forehead. “Yeah. Sorry for being a knob.”

“It’s okay. Sorry for making Aaliyah think you had a mistress.”

I laugh and roll my eyes. “Yeah, thanks for that.”

Lidia sighs and settles in next to me, dragging her fingers across my chest as she gazes across the room. I take a moment to take her in, something I found myself doing often during the quiet moments. Every little curly lock of hair, line around her eyes and mouth from years of joy. Every lash that protected those gorgeous, gorgeous eyes. She really was my dream. College Andy dreamt of this very moment but he never quite had the confidence to believe it could happen. 

I lean down and kiss her temple. “Dia. What ‘ye thinking?”

Lidia drags her eyes back up to me. “Y’know how you gave me that guitar? Last year?”

Following her previous gaze, I lock eyes on the Takamine across the room that I had in fact gifted to her before the first show. I’d passed it off as a ‘spare’ when really it was a gift I’d been wanting to give her for years. The moment she agreed to the shows, I went out and bought it. 

Now it sat on a guitar stand in her bedroom, across the room from the one I gave her for her twenty-first birthday. 

“Mm?” I murmur, running my hand up and down her spine. 

“The engraving,” she hums, “that was pretty early on in… us to have…” A blush rises on her cheeks, cutting her off. She looks back up at me, waiting for an answer to a question she couldn’t finish. 

I chuckle bashfully, her blush transferring to my cheeks. “Ehm…yeah…I guess.”

“Did you…did you really feel that way so early on?”

I wince slightly as I think back to how quickly those feelings had returned for me. Even if I couldn’t exactly pinpoint how serious they were, I knew that they were serious. Putting that engraving down in wood was a big gamble, especially on the back of a guitar I was gifting her when we were definitely not in a rehabilitated place. But all it took was experiencing her back in my life that told me I couldn’t ever let go of her again. 

This was our home. 

Of course she was worth the gamble. 

I voice this to her and her blush worsens. 

“Forget I asked.” She mumbles, covering her face. 

I laugh and tug her body closer to mine, eliciting a squeal from her throat as I slide my hands around her waist. A giggle follows, filling my ears with a sound that sends me right back to our college days. 

“Andy!” She yelps, wrapping her arms around me. 

“I’ve been a sucker since the day we met, Dia.” I smirk as I squeeze her hips. 

Unable to give up the control, she pushes herself on top of me, pinning my arms above my head as she peppers my face with kisses. 

“Oh, I know, Byrne. Worst secret you’ve ever kept.”

“Like you weren’t pining for me the whole time.”

“Yeah, but at least I was cool about it.” She teases.

I go to make a joke about how uncool she was about it when we were in college, but I stop myself. The night I broke up with Bridget flashes through my mind. It was a rough night that I didn’t like to revisit, having dealt with and healed the young lad that endured that pain. But for every bad memory that night brought back to me, it was always met with the golden haired angel that opened the door, that welcomed me into her warmth and kept me safe. And she never left my side. She looked after me. She cared for me. She protected me. 

And here she was doing it again. 

“Hey Andy,” she smiles cheekily, biting her lip nervously as she looks down at me. Her hair creates a curtain around my face, my view completely taken by her. 

“Yeah?”

Lidia presses her lips to mine, that warmth traveling from her spine to mine. Completely embraced.

“It never went out for me either.”

Chapter Text

A

She looks at me not in surprise, but like she’s trying to work me out. Work out what my ‘intentions’ are or if there’s a deeper meaning to all of this. I see the shimmer of uncertainty that brews a nervous dread in my gut. Was she right? Was this a terrible idea?

“You want to get in touch with her? After all these years?”

I nod, trying to meet Caroline’s amused stare but instead returning to the coffee in front of me. We were at one of her favourite cafes where she knew the owners rather well and they always gave her her favourite table in the back. I appreciated it for moments like this, where she was trying to pick apart my brain in order to get to what I wasn’t telling her. It made for good privacy during my eventual undoing. 

“When was the last time you spoke?” Caroline asks me curiously as she sips her cappuccino. 

“Ehm…around the time we broke up.” I wince internally at the memory. I’d tried to speak to her on the phone to talk some sense into her but she spoke over me, telling me she’d arrange for her mother to drop my things off at my folks’ place. She hung up on me and I hadn’t heard her voice since. 

Well, I’d heard it in all of our old videos and recordings. 

And every time I listened to our song on the first album. She had never responded to an email of mine, nor a text. The only contact we’d had professionally was between her and Caroline about the use of the song on the record. I’d been shown the emails and my heart broke over how formal she was. It wasn’t a Lidia I recognised. 

“In your early twenties? Andy, do you think this is a good idea?” 

No. Maybe not. But I’d been thinking about her for months. This was no longer a stone I could leave unturned. 

“I think this is something I just have to do, Caroline.” I murmur. 

She nods, and I can see her mind ticking the way it usually does when she jumps on board with me. Already, she’s figuring out a plan.

“I’ll do my research, find a number- “

“She’s got a studio in town. She’s a photographer.” I answer for her before I can help myself. 

“Right. Well, will I call her, or will you?” 

“I think you should do it.”

She nods, like she saw that coming. “And what am I asking? Set up a meeting or pitching her over the phone? Meeting you for dinner?”

A blush tinges my cheeks as I imagine sitting across from her. She’d never agree to dinner, that’s for sure. Hell, I’d be surprised if she didn’t hang up on Caroline completely. 

“Pitch her over the phone. She won’t agree to meeting up if she doesn’t know why. Just tell her I want to talk to her.” 

“And you’re sure you don’t want to reach out to her directly?” 

“She won’t answer if she sees my name.” I state, feeling like a fool the moment the words leave my mouth. There was a high chance she didn’t even have my number anymore and we both knew that. Also, I don’t think I’d survive hearing her hang up on me. While I wanted to reach out to her, I was feckin’ bricking it over the thought of speaking to her after all this time. 

But something in me was pulling me toward her and finally, it was time to reckon with these broken hearts. 

“Fucking hell, Andy! You’re rubbish at this, mate.” 

I roll my eyes as Jon resets the game on the screen in front of us after I’d just cost us our digital lives. “The game play is rubbish.” 

“Right, that’s not what you said earlier when we were actually getting somewhere on this quest.” Alex retorts, sitting back on the chair across from me as we wait for the game to reload. It was a late Friday afternoon and I’d spent most of the second half of the day hosting my brother, Alex and his older brother Patrick to play video games and drink beer. It wasn’t the most productive use of our time, but it was definitely time well spent in our view. 

“Yeah, yeah. I can only play one more before I need to kick you all out. Dia will be home soon and I need to cook.” I yawn as I reach for my beer from the coffee table. 

“Ah yes, the wife. Glad to see she’s turned you into a kept husband. We always knew you had the potential.” Patrick smirks from his spot on the floor, pressed up against the back of the couch. 

Jon laughs, shaking his head. “I don’t think a truer statement has been made.”

“Shut up,” I scowl, rolling my eyes at them. “Why am I a kept husband because I’m cooking dinner? If anything, that’s a very equal relationship.”

“Oh, the split of housework is entirely down to an equal relationship,” Patrick nods in agreement. “It’s just the fact that it’s Lidia, and you’re you , and you’ve pined over this woman since you were in college.”

I look to Alex for support, but he sniggers behind his beer and simply shrugs at me. Good to know our more than a decade of friendship meant nothing when battling the warfare of our older brothers. 

“Yeah, and so I made that a reality and married her. Simple.” I argue. 

“I have to say, your logic is other-worldly, Andy,” Jon laughs. “Simple is not the word I would use to describe the two of you.”

“Ah, come on. Nothing wrong with being a kept-husband. She still lets him out on the weekends.” Alex smirks as the game begins and we settle back into our round. Right about now I was wishing I could transfer teams, but that seemed a heavier betrayal than switching brothers. 

I put up with their banter for another half hour before Lidia walks through the door, bringing a quiet relief to me. Now it was us time, which meant I could kick these fuckers out without questions and settle in for the night with my wife. 

She walks into the room with her headphones covering her ears, clearly surprised by the company despite the three cars parked up the driveway. I look up and blush slightly at her exposed midriff thanks to her small bike shorts and sports bra she wore under an open hoodie of mine. Right. Friday night is hot pilates night. 

I’d learnt recently it was called hot pilates because of the temperature of the pilates room, not because of how hot its participants were. Though standing there in front of us like she was, she definitely challenged that. 

Lidia pushes her headphones from her ears to around her neck and squints at the television across the room. 

“Andy, you’re letting the team down.” She frowns. 

The boys let out a round of laughter at my expense and suddenly I wonder if today in particular was pick-on-Andrew day and I had simply not been made aware. 

“Oh, now I understand why you got married.” Jon laughs. 

I scowl and throw the console down. “Right, I quit. You all suck. You included.” I tell her. 

Lidia smirks and walks over to the back of the couch, bending down to kiss my cheek as she places a hand on my chest. “Sorry, love. But…are you even trying?”

“Alright, think we better get going before it gets nasty.” Patrick teases as they bring the game to an end. Feckin’ finally. 

“I’d say don’t leave on my accord, but I’m hungry and Andrew’s cooking tonight.” Lidia smiles sweetly as everyone gets up to head out. 

I pull myself up from the couch and walk around it to greet her properly, pressing a kiss to her cheek. “Christ, you stink.”

“I just spent an hour sweating within an inch of my life.” Lidia reasons. 

“Smells like it.” I smirk. 

“Need to fulfill that trophy wife status they’re banging about online, babe.” Lidia teases right back. 

“Hope they’re not really giving you that much shit.” Patrick pipes up curiously. “We’ve heard it’s been pretty rough.”

Lidia looks at him and shrugs it off. “I’ve learnt to ignore it. It’s fine.”

“Well, it’s not,” I say, correcting her. “But we’re blocking it out.”

Alex winces as he shoves his hands into his pockets. I don’t miss the way he averts his eyes from her chest. Polite of him . “It gets better eventually.”

Lidia gives him a reassuring smile, crossing her arms. “It’s fine. Really. I’m too busy to notice it these days.”

It wasn't a total lie. She was busy, yes, but while she had made progress in not seeking it out, she still noticed it. Even if she doesn’t tell me outright, her comments here and there were signs the noise still made it to her, even in small ways. I suppose I can’t blame her, when it first started happening to me, I was obsessed with looking up what people thought about me and my music. It was hard to avoid. But what mattered was that she was being more careful to protect herself. 

“Well, if you ever need some anonymous accounts to come to your defense, let us know.” Jon chuckles as I walk them to the door, though not without a final roasting for my video game efforts. 

“I’ll keep that in mind.” Lidia laughs. 

After agreeing to another session with the boys -this time a little greener- I close the front door and walk back into the kitchen where I find Lidia looking down at her phone as she rests against the kitchen bench. I hear the faint sound of music coming from her headphones as they sit around her neck, looking too big and bulky against her prominent collarbones. 

“What ye listening to?” I ask curiously as I press my hips to hers, planting my hands on the bench either side of her. 

Lidia looks up from her phone. “Tom Odell’s new song- have you heard it? I can’t stop listening to it.”

I shake my head. “No, I didn’t realise he put out new music.”

“C’mere.” She reaches up to her headphones and places them over my ears, inviting me to hear what she had been playing on repeat. 

A mellow tune floods my ears, very quickly followed by Tom’s delicate voice. It was quieter than expected, but that only made me zero in on the words.

We fell in love very quick 

Something about us 

Just clicked

Maybe we’re sick 

Sick in our hearts 

You touch me and I fall apart 

I look down at Lidia, wondering why she resonated so much with it. I pull the headphones off and place them on the bench beside her. 

“It’s beautiful.”

She nods. “His voice is stunning. God, I love his music.”

“He’s always had a way of getting inside your heart like that.” I murmur. 

“Plus, he’s absolutely gorgeous.” Lidia mutters as she flicks through his Instagram. “I mean- British guys don’t usually do it for me but- “

I gasp dramatically as I grip her hips. “But what?”

She giggles, hiding her screen and looking up at me. “Andy, you have to admit, he’s gorgeous.”

“That’s a mate of mine you’re talking about- “

Lidia’s eyes widen, her cheeks turning red. “You know Tom Odell?”

“Yeah, we’ve always been friendly, since my first album- “

“Andrew…” Lidia whines, her lips tugging into a pout. “He’s like- my hall pass.”

I scowl. “You’re joking.”

She sighs and waves me off. “I think he’s married anyway- “

“Dia, you’re married.”

“Oh. I guess you’re right.” 

I let out a laugh and pull her into my chest. “How did I not know he was your hall pass?”

“You never asked,” she laughs, wrapping an arm around my waist. “You can never introduce me to him, you understand that, right?”

“Christ. You should have put this in your vows.” I chuckle. “Right- okay, my hall pass- “

“Oh, no,” Lidia frowns, shaking her head in confusion. “No, no. You don’t get one.”

My eyes widen as the ridiculous feeling of injustice washes over me. “Excuse me?”

“Uh, you’re actually famous. You don’t get a celebrity hall pass.” She states matter-of-factly, as if I should already know this. 

“Why not?”

“Because you have clearer access to whoever it is- “

“I do not- “

“And besides, they’d likely want to shag you back. I’d at least have to lay down the ground work with Tom- “

“You’re putting a lot of effort into something that’s not going to happen.” I remind her as I look down at her. 

Lidia blushes and puts her phone down. “Anyway. How was your playdate with the boys?”

Nice try.  

I give up on our fictional debate and focus on her. “It was okay. Until you came home looking like this.” I murmur as I slide my hands around her bare waist. “Showing everyone what’s meant for me only.” I tell her quietly as I lean in to kiss her neck. 

Lidia laughs and drapes her arms around my shoulders. “You’re letting your possessive side show, Mr Byrne. I didn’t realise they were all still here. I assumed you’d all had too many beers and they’d been picked up by their other halves.”

“Mm. I don’t buy it.”

“Oh yeah, because I’m really trying to seduce your brother and Alex from college.” She snorts sarcastically as she looks up at me. 

I raise a brow at the one name she didn’t mention. 

“Well, Patrick’s kind of a babe, so- “

I let out a laugh and dig my nails into her flesh. “You’re going to be the death of me, O’Keane.”

Lidia chuckles and kisses me on the lips, finally. “I missed you today. Isn’t that silly?”

“Why?” I ask once the laughter subsides. “It’s fair. I haven’t seen you since Wednesday.”

“I used to only see boyfriends on the weekend when I first started the business. No man was too important to see during the week.”  

“Well, I guess it’s a good thing I’m your husband and not your boyfriend.”

“That, is a very good thing.”

“Thank you for making the drive out here after pilates.” I murmur against her lips. 

A small smile tugs at her sweet mouth. “I found a pilates class in Wicklow. It was only twenty minutes from here. Finished up with my shoot early and made it just in time for the five o’clock session.”

A silly little gesture that shouldn’t mean much, but because it’s her , and I can see her trying, it means the world. 

“Yeah?”

Lidia nods. “Gotta test out the fitness classes around here for…one day, y’know?” 

One day. It couldn’t come soon enough.

“And what’s the verdict?”

“Andy- have you smelt me? It was a fucking fantastic class.”

I let out a laugh and loosen my grip on her, bringing the ends of my hoodie together and zipping it up over her chest. “A little too fantastic.”

Lidia rolls her eyes affectionately and swats my hands away. “Do you really have a problem with what I’m wearing?” 

“Mmhmm. You’re only allowed to wear sweatpants and hoodies in front of other men.”

She laughs. “Right. And you need to wear a bag over your head onstage.”

“I’m joking,” I chuckle as I look down at her. “My mates aren’t pervs. You’re just really fit.”

“Well, that’s good to know,” she hums as she pecks my lips. “I’m going to shower- have you already?”

I nod as I slip so easily back into the domesticity of our married life. “I’ll get started on dinner.”

“I’m in the mood for fish and chips from round the corner, if that helps.”

My heart swells. “ That’s why I married you.”

Lidia grins sweetly and my heart doubles in size further. “I love you, Andy. I really did miss you this week.”

It was moments like this that she made me feel like the richest man in the world. 

When Lidia emerges from upstairs, freshly showered and wrapped up in a pair of sweatpants and my hoodie, I’m just done plating up dinner. When we first got back together, I introduced her to my favourite chip shop round the corner (and by round the corner, it was actually twenty minutes toward the village). She was sold immediately and if she didn’t have her career and flat to commit to in the city, I was convinced she’d have moved in with me based on the proximity to this place alone. 

I pour her a glass of wine and hand her a plate which she accepts gratefully before we crash on the couch to eat in front of the television. 

“How are the boys?” She asks me as she munches on a chip. 

“Good,” I nod. “Jon’s good, busy with work. Honeymoon was good, he says. Alex is like me, not doing too much.”

“Who’s he dating at the moment? I always mean to ask if he’s seeing anyone after the split.” Lidia hums softly, her brow furrowed. 

“Not dating anyone,” I shrug. “Taking a break from that, I think.”

“Ah, playing the field, are we?”

I let out a laugh. “He’s not like that, you know that.”

“We should find him a Mrs. Then you can wear your silk tie again.” Lidia hums nonchalantly as she becomes distracted by the television. “And his hot brother?”

“Shut up. You’re the worst.”

She throws me a teasing smirk. “I’m joking. You’re the hot brother.”

“You’re lucky you don’t have siblings.”

“Or what, you’d shag ‘em?”

I reach over and squeeze her thigh. “Enough.”

She giggles and kisses my arm before reaching forward to grab her glass of wine. “Okay, okay. I’m just winding you up.”

“How about you? How was work? How was the shoot?” I ask as I shovel a forkful of grilled fish into my mouth.

Lidia nods, her tune changing to that of work mode. “Good, really good. We wrapped up early. I’ll get started on edits on Monday. Easy.”

“You’re managing the workload? Like we talked about?”

Lidia and I had gone back and forth about how much work she was taking on after we’d promised to prioritise our marriage this year. She was going through phases of slowing her books only to take on extra last minute clients the moment she needed a distraction from her headspace. Though she wouldn’t admit it to me, I knew she was still getting in her head about the noise online and I didn’t like seeing her suffer by way of an impossible to keep up with work schedule. 

I’d sat her down one night to tell her point blank that I needed more time with her. I needed her to commit the way I was. I understood our careers worked differently in terms of time off, but I didn’t want to live week to week with her. I wanted to know she was balancing her work by not forcing herself to take on more than she could handle. 

Admittedly, though not to her, I’d called Julien with my concerns and he’d spoken to her about streamlining her schedule to avoid so much chaos in the books. I tried not to take it personally that his advice seemed to actually land with her as opposed to mine, but we came to a result that meant she was looking after herself while still keeping up with a more feasible workload. 

It also meant more time together, just me and her. 

“Yes,” she murmurs stubbornly as she pops a chip in her mouth. “You sound like my da.” 

“I just want to make sure you’re taking care of yourself, you know that.” 

“I know, I’m just- I’m not used to somebody doing that for me.” She admits, sending me a look before returning focus to the television. 

I think back to the conversation we had over a year ago when she had come to mine to rehearse Work Song and we had gone for a walk. We had talked about past relationships and the only one she had mentioned was a man in Paris that she had almost married. I hadn’t thought about it again until now, curious as to how she’d gotten so close to marrying somebody who hadn’t shown her this level of care. 

“Penny for your thoughts, darlin’?” She hums, eyes glued to the screen across the room as she eats her fish. 

I reach forward for my wine off the coffee table and bring it to my lips. 

“This lad in Paris. Was he the last guy you were with?” I ask curiously over the lip of my glass. 

Lidia’s eyes flicker to mine. “In a relationship, yes.”

“And after that it was all casual?” 

“Mm. To a degree. Little things here and there that were never built to last. But I’m not a very casual person, as you know.” She hums. 

“How long were you with him for?” 

“About two and a half years.” Lidia answers lightly. “We met at the bar I worked at. He was the owner, he always looked out for me. Couple years older than me and was there for me through my grief. I was drinking a lot, going out and not looking after myself. He was the only stability I had. Julien was so far away.” She winces lightly. 

My heart twists as I picture the lost Lidia I had seen in some of her old photos stowed away on her Instagram account. It was hard to think she was the same person. I didn’t know her at that time, and in the pictures she seemed unrecognizable. But perhaps that had been her goal. 

“He treated me well, Andy. He probably kept me alive,” she chuckles painfully as she rubs her jaw. She gazes down at her plate and pops a chip in her mouth. “He wanted to get married- he actually proposed. That was a wake up call, it really made me get my shit together. Figure out what I did want.” 

“I didn’t know he proposed.” 

“I didn’t say yes, obviously. We were never engaged. If anything, I was able to clarify my view on marriage and what it meant to me. That’s how I knew that marrying you was the right decision for me, regardless of only being together for a short amount of time.” She says it so flippantly, like it didn’t just reassure the niggling little insecurities that tended to orbit my brain some days. 

“Right.” I nod, gathering my thoughts. 

Lidia looks at me and smiles softly. “I love you.”

I lean in and kiss her salty lips. “I love you too. Thanks for sharing.”

“Always baby- oh, speaking of, I went to the clinic today.”

My eyes widen and I pull back immediately. “Excuse me?!” 

Lidia pauses, before her brain catches up with her mouth and she lets out a laugh. “Oh, no- that’s not what I- “

“Dia, for fuck sake.” I scoff, placing a hand on my chest over my erratic heart.

Lidia places her plate on the arm of the couch and tips her head back, laughing. She actually finds this funny?

Shaking her head, she grips my wrist as I try to return back to my dinner despite the feckin’ heart attack she gave me. 

“No, the clinic where I get tested every year- it’s a women’s clinic- I went to do all the tests for cancer and all that.” She chuckles, sending me a pout as she turns to me. “I told you I was going to that today. On my lunch break.”

“You didn’t,” I mutter, still coming down. “You didn’t tell me that at all. Do they test for babies?”

“You’re such a twat,” she giggles, reaching for her wine glass and pulling her feet up on the couch. “Yes, they test for babies. But no, no babies. No cancer, either.”

I send her a warning look. 

“No, but we did talk about it.”

“Cancer?”

“Babies.”

I raise a brow. She never ceased to surprise me. Or give me a heart attack. 

“I’m thirty-two.”

“And?”

“It gets harder the further you get into your thirties, Andrew.” 

“Harder to what?”

“Harder to have a baby. So my doctor asked if I’d considered freezing my eggs.”

My eyes widen. Oh. That had never even been on my radar. She was younger than me and I’d never thought that would be something she would be up against. Not because we’d planned to have a baby anytime soon, but because she was in incredible health and looked after her body as best as she could. Well, she could get more sleep and stop putting herself last when it came to caring for people, but nobody’s perfect. When she’s pregnant, I’ll make sure she puts herself first. 

“Apparently this is a good time to do it. I’m not in a rush to do it, but I said I’d think about it. Zara did it last year.” Lidia explains with a slight shrug. 

“Oh. Really?”

She nods. “She’s thirty-four. They don’t want to start trying for another two years because of their careers.” 

“Mm.”

“Anyway, I just thought I’d tell you. But don’t go telling your aunts or they’ll hate me. Ask me why I’m not getting to work on birthing your spawn.” Lidia teases as she leans in and kisses my cheek. 

I scowl. “Don’t pay any attention to them. There is absolutely no pressure- and if you want to freeze your eggs, I’m with you. It’s nobody’s business but ours and you don’t have to answer anybody's shit about it.”

Lidia softens a little before she presses her lips to mine appreciatively. I never understood the pressure on women about when to have babies, and I felt for her that she had to start thinking about it despite how young she was. Something like that certainly wasn’t on the cards for us any time soon, at least not on purpose, and I didn’t want anybody making her feel a certain way about doing something like freezing her eggs. I felt protective over her, over her body and her peace. She didn’t need me to be, but it was part of my purpose now. I couldn’t help it. I meant what I said about walking through this with her- every door, together. Every room, together. 

Heaven, hell- together. 

The following morning I wake up to perfectly manicured hands wandering up my spine underneath my sweatshirt. Her legs are wrapped around mine under the covers, her arms around my middle as she sleeps with her body intertwined with mine. For such an independent woman, I loved when she let herself cling to me like this. If anybody asked me what I loved about marriage, it was the fact that I would spend the rest of my life waking up like this. With her. 

Lidia stirs as a flash of lightning illuminates the room. We’d slept with the curtains half open due to how dark the morning skies were by the time we woke up- I missed being woken by the sunlight, now reliant on an alarm clock and an early rising partner. 

Well, except for Saturdays. 

Every other day she was up before five in the morning, but on Saturdays, she lazed around until she woke naturally, or I woke her because we had somewhere to be. I loved this lazy, indulgent side to Lidia, mostly because it assured me that she let herself rest and recover when she most deserved it. 

Also because it meant she was more inclined to wrap herself around me like this. 

“You’re so warm.” Lidia whispers, her eyes shut as she buries her face into my side. 

I slide my hands under her hoodie, feeling her cold little body between them. The moment I touch her, she tightens her legs around mine and presses her hips into my side. Her hands trail lightly down my spine until they reach the waistband of my sweatpants, fiddling with the elastic. 

“Are you cold, darlin’?” I murmur into the top of her head. 

She nods quietly, slipping a finger under the waistband of my boxers. 

I bite my lip. She knew what she was doing. 

When I don’t respond, Lidia looks up at me, her eyes curious as they pour into mine in the dark. She bites down on her lip as she slides her hand further into my pants, sending a shiver down my spine. 

Can I?  

I nod, not taking my eyes from hers. 

Her hand slides around to the front of my boxers, eliciting a low moan from my throat as she wraps it around me. Christ. She knew how sensitive I was in the morning. 

Oh god, did she know.  

She gets me worked up embarrassingly quickly, all without a word uttered. By the time she drags her hand out of my pants, I’m rock hard and panting, desperate for her to finish me off or get on my level. 

Her eyes still locked on mine, she suddenly grows nervous as she moves onto my lap, fiddling with the hem of her sweatshirt. I wrap my hands around hers, helping her push the material up and over her head, leaving her bare from the waist up as she sits on me. I slid a hand up her side, knowing how quickly it provoked goosebumps all over her skin. I run a thumb over that little tattoo on her hip before trailing it up to her right breast. She bites her lip and closes her eyes as I toy with her nipple, squeezing her breast in the palm of my hand. Built for me. Built for her. Our bodies- built for each other. 

She gasps, mouthing my name but never saying it out loud. I was desperate to hear her voice, but knowing how much restraint this took for her not to vocalize her pleasure only turned me on more. Considering how much tension was in the lower half of my body, I was surprised she managed to turn it up further. 

Surprised? Who am I kidding? She’s literally my dream girl. 

When I trail my hand back down her body, down her stomach, she takes the lead by pushing my hand into her sweatpants, her eyes open again and back to being locked on mine. I tuck my fingers inside her underwear and she pushes up on her knees to allow me better access- 

“Oh…Andy…” she whimpers, her face twisting in pleasure. Well, the eye contact didn’t last long. 

I bite my lip as I move my fingers inside of her, watching her come undone on top of me. She was so wet- her body aching for mine. I wonder what she was dreaming about, and if I played any part in getting her here before waking. Did she dream about me the way I dreamt of her? 

Lidia presses her hands on my stomach, angling her hips to take control as I fingered her. Even when receiving pleasure she wanted to take charge- 

“F-fuck…fuck me.” 

Before she can say otherwise, I retract my hand and push her down onto the bed, taking charge on top of her. In one swift movement I tug her sweatpants and underwear down her legs, leaving her bare in front of me. I’d accepted she was an angel; that this was the closest I’d get to heaven. I’d built a home in this belief, and while I was not surprised by her perfection, I would still spend my lifetime writing poems about it in my head. 

Like they haven’t made it to the page. To song. They’re mostly about her, even when I didn’t know it. Everything is always, about her. 

She pulls my hoodie over my head, taking with it the t-shirt I wore underneath. She throws them onto the ground together before she slides her hand onto my cheek. My eyes find hers and they sink, deep, deeply inside of her. I lean down and kiss her, indulging in something I can’t believe I had been without for ten years. I still remember the first time we ever kissed, the first time I ever entered her, brought her pleasure, heard her whimpering my name. I still remember the first time she told me she loved me, how I had felt my heart soften and harden all at the same time. Soften because her love melts me, harden because all I want to do is protect it. 

Lidia tightens her arms around my shoulders and wraps her legs around my waist. The milky flesh of her inner thighs are cold on my hips, reminding me of how ready and waiting she is for me. I reach down between them, feeling her warmth and the vibration of her voice down my throat as she moans in pleasure. Good God, you’re a sweet thing.  

She helps me push my sweatpants down my thighs. Her hand returns to my cock, running up and down it as I position myself between her legs. Christ. This woman- 

“I need you.”

A shiver covers my entire body. She becomes my entire purpose, yet again. I place a hand on her jaw and I lean in and kiss her as I enter her, feeling her body welcome me with the only warmth I ever want to feel embrace me ever again. 

I belong here. 

“Andy…”

“So good. You’re so good- “

“Andy, I- closer. I need you closer.”

I can’t get close enough. No matter how much I try to make us one with our bodies, I can never quite get close enough. But I didn’t mind; I would spend my lifetime chasing it regardless. 

My stomach is pressed against hers, the hot tension building between us as we give ourselves to the other, completely and utterly surrendered. I bury my hands under the pillow, my face in her neck. Her hands are in my hair, down my back, in my flesh- she is in the deepest parts of me, for good. 

She belongs here, inside of me. I hope she never leaves. 

“Andy- fuck- oh, God!” 

Her lips grace my jaw delicately before she climbs out of bed, waking me only barely as she pads into the bathroom, though not without whispering sweet nothings into my ear. Telling me she loves me. Her heart is mine. Miss you already. 

She had been up for hours since, lying with me while I fell in and out of consciousness. Bliss. Perfection. This perfect life with her. I never wanted to leave. 

When she’s gone, I roll over onto my stomach in the middle of the bed, stretching out while I can before she inevitably lures me out of bed with coffee or the promise of breakfast. I couldn’t recall our plans for the day but I suddenly wished they would all melt away and we could spend it here forever. 

My hand slides under her pillow, gliding over what very quickly I recognise as her phone. I wanted to throw it across the room; rid our sacred space of something as annoying as technology. Retrieving it, I open my eyes, only to narrow them as I realise it’s unlocked, her last activity displayed on the screen. It takes me a minute for my eyes to adjust to the brightness of the screen, and I mentally curse myself for leaving my glasses downstairs. 

Her photography isn’t even that good, lol. So basic. 

She’s nothing special. 

I liked her better when she was a nobody. 

Wonder how she lured him into marriage. What has she got to offer besides singing on a song a decade ago?

He’ll get bored soon. 

She can’t even sing. 

She’ll never be good enough for him. 

I throw the phone back down onto the bed before shoving it back under the pillow to block the poison that poured into my mind. I felt dark and defeated inside. Betrayed by a weakness I knew she couldn’t help. It wasn’t her fault, in fact I felt angry they had lured her into their hell. It was torture. Cold, cruel torture. 

But worse than that, was that she was hiding it from me.

Chapter Text

“Maybe we should think about having it in Wicklow in that case.” 

“Mm…I don’t know, I kind of like the idea of it being…secluded.” Lidia murmurs as she scrolls on her laptop across from me at the small cafe table we were occupying for breakfast that cool Sunday morning. 

“Okay, so Sligo it is. It’s not a long drive and we’ll put everyone up in nearby Airbnb’s. We’ll stay in that cottage not far from your da’s.” I nod as I push my iPad across the table to her. “We’ll use this tent hire and get a gazebo that covers his back garden in case it rains. That should fit everyone.” 

Lidia narrows her eyes at my screen before blinking a few times and looking up at me. “Give me your glasses.”

I slide them from my nose and hand them over to her before sitting back in my seat. My timing is perfect as our coffees are brought over to us by our waitress. 

“Gosh, I don’t want to spill anything on your computers,” she blushes as she strategically places our coffees between our mess of electronics. “You two are busy at work this morning.”

“Sorry.” I chuckle as I move our phones out of the way. 

“We’re planning our wedding.” Lidia smiles up at the woman who looks somewhere in her forties. I’m surprised by how quickly Lidia had offered up the information to a total stranger, but her excitement warms my heart. 

The woman gasps in an equally measured excitement. “Oh, really? Oh how wonderful. That’s terribly exciting.” 

“We’re trying to figure out if we do it here in Wicklow or out on my dad’s land in Sligo.” Lidia explains with a chuckle. 

“Oh, Sligo is beautiful. Wicklow is…I mean, there’s a nice brewery you could do, but it’s quite busy. Sligo is more…secluded.” The woman nods as she tucks her tray under her arm. 

I look at Lidia and watch her nod in agreement. “That’s what I was thinking.”

The woman chats with us for a few minutes before returning to her next table, and when Lidia looks at me, she seems sold on the idea.

“I think we need to get married in Sligo, Andy.”

I still couldn’t get used to those words. 

“I’ll marry you wherever you want, Dia.” I murmur. 

She blushes and rolls her eyes before sliding back my iPad. I switch it off and slide it into her purse on the chair beside me to make room for our impending breakfast. 

“Your aunt thinks this is crazy. I heard her say it to your mam the other day.” She muses as she looks back at her laptop screen. 

“It’s a little crazy,” I chuckle as I lean in to sip my coffee. “But so is not spending our lives together.”

Lidia reaches across to slide her hand into my free one. “We were paired together in that music performance class for a reason, Byrne.”

I lift her hand to my lips and nod. “We were meant to re-record for a reason, O’Keane.”

Lidia raises a brow at me as she looks up from her screen. “Yeah?” She challenges. 

I nod. “You were meant to come back into my life for this very reason.”

“To marry you?” She chuckles. 

“Ah, that’s just a bonus.”

“So what was the reason I was meant to come back into your life? To have your babies? Make an honest man out of you?”

I can’t help but laugh. Those things could come later- though since we’d gotten back together, I don’t think I could be anything but honest. She saw through me each time. 

“To come home, Dia.”

“I like being home, Andy.”

L

A big, sock-covered foot nudges my book out of my hands, just as I begin the last line, on the very last page. I scowl as it goes flying over the edge of the couch, only to land on the plush rug with a thud. 

“Andrew- what the fuck? I was on the last word- “

I look down at him with a glare, very quickly met with his cheeky smirk as he throws his phone down onto his lap and crosses his arms over his chest. 

“Yeah, you finished it. So what?”

I scoff as I pick up on his childish mood. “It’s rude to kick books out of people’s hands just because you’re being a prat.”

“That’s not very nice.”

Rolling my eyes, I lean over the edge of the couch for my book. “Let me finish my book in peace- ow!” I yelp as I receive a foot to the arse. It didn’t really hurt, but I had not expected such a force and his childish antics were starting to piss me off. 

When I turn to face him, he’s snickering at me. 

“You little shit.” I snap. 

“You’re ignoring me on our day off.” He reasons, like he has any ground to stand on.

“That doesn’t mean you can be annoying.”

“I need attention.”

I stare at him for a moment before my eyes drop to his phone as it rests in his lap. I look back up at him. 

“You need attention huh?” I echo as I move from my spot on the end of the couch, crawling over him on my hands and knees until my face hangs over his. “Is that what you need, Andy?”

He nods, an arrogant smirk on his lips as he slides his hands onto my lower back. “Yeah, darlin’, I just want to hang out with my wife.” Andrew sighs ‘innocently’. 

“Well, adults use their words, angel.” I tell him as I lower my body down onto his. I reach between us and shove his phone onto the floor in order to press my pelvis into his. Ducking my head, I press my lips to his neck. The way he tips his head back into the cushions tells me I have him right where I want him, not that it takes me very long.

“Is this what you had in mind?” I murmur. 

“Kiss me properly.”

Sliding a hand onto his jaw, I kiss him tenderly on the mouth. I don’t let him lead, instead arousing him to my chosen state of pleasure as I grind my hips onto his. He whines softly between kisses as he slowly hardens, straining against his dark wash jeans. 

We both had the day off and had had a very lazy morning before settling in on the couch to read. Well, I was reading, Andrew was simply causing trouble because he’d finished his book and had gotten bored of doom scrolling. As a result, I had fallen victim to his immaturity. 

“That was very rude of you, y’know,” I murmur into his mouth as I rest my chest on his. His arms tighten around my waist, locking me against him. 

“Yeah?” He mumbles.

I nod. “Very irresponsible behaviour. And y’know what that means?”

“Mm…you punish me?”

I pull back and let out a laugh, unable to hold back. Andrew laughs too, finding his dirty talk slightly ridiculous. 

“Don’t worry, I felt icky as soon as I said that.” He chuckles. 

I sit up on his waist, watching his hands slide up and down my thighs. “You should be punished for that alone, babe.”

Andrew winces. “You remember when we tried using- “

My eyes widen and I shake my head quickly as I realise exactly what he was recalling. “Do not bring that up.”

He laughs. “We really thought we’d be able to handle… pet names.”

“We were adventurous in our twenties,” I wince painfully at the memory as I look down at him. “I really thought I’d be able to call you…”

“Oh god, don’t say it.”

I laugh and lay my torso down on top of his. “I don’t know what we were thinking. I remember you used to get turned on when I’d call you Andy , let alone anything other than Andrew.”

“I thought it was sexy. The way you’d…breathe it heavily in my ear.” He hums, his eyes flickering up to mine. “You were my dream girl; I could barely believe I was touching you. Anything would have turned me on at that age.”

“Well that’s very sweet of you,” I muse as I shift off of him, falling between him and the couch as I leave my legs draped over his hips. “I think my massive crush on you absolutely rid me of any ability to be cool about sex with you. Not to mention sexy.”

Andrew laughs, shaking his head in disagreement. “You never felt sexy?”

I send him a look. “Andrew, I was so nervous I could barely think straight.”

“Okay, but that was your first time.”

“I was nervous a lot when we would have sex in college, not just the first time.” I chuckle as I toy with his belt buckle absentmindedly.

He seems surprised by that admission, and I see him mull it over in his head. 

“Not in a bad way; I was just really into you. I always wanted to look good, or sound hot- like a fucking porn star,” I muse, rolling my eyes at him. “But when it came to actually sleeping with you, all of that went out the window because I was so fucking in love with you that I couldn’t fake anything.”

Andrew reaches over and squeezes my hip. “I’m glad you never faked anything. I’m glad you were real with me. I hope that still stands.”

I raise a brow at him. What was he getting at? “Are you asking me if I’m faking now- “

“I’m just saying, if there was something going on with you, in or out of the bedroom, I’d hope you’d be real with me.” He murmurs, eyeing me. 

I want to ask him if there was something he wanted to outright ask me, something not related to sex, though I felt like that would only take us into territory I didn’t particularly want to dive into. 

‘How are you going with all that stuff that’s making you feel uncomfortable and violated and inadequate? How do you feel about talking about your insecurities as they become amplified by strangers on the internet? There’s a good, open and honest wife.’ 

Okay, he deserved better credit than that, but still. I didn’t always have that for him when I was defensive and vulnerable; two things that didn’t exactly work hand in hand. 

Instead, I nod and lean in to kiss his nose. “I will absolutely be real with you when I feel there is something going on that I need to talk about.”

Andrew nods, squeezing my hips to encourage me back on top of him, which I voluntarily take him up on. “Good. Please do.”

I climb on top of him and gaze over the edge of the couch. “Actually, I do have something going on.”

He looks up at me, intrigued, his brows furrowed. “Yeah?”

“You owe me a new book, gobshite.”

A

“And I think if you have a little mix of Lidia’s birth flowers in your blazer pocket, it’ll be a sweet homage and a great design choice.” Zara hums as she leans over the counter in her flower shop, delicately placing each handmade corsage she had been constructing for myself and my best man. 

I nod. “I think that’s a great idea.”

“Of course it is, I’m a professional,” she winks at me before standing straight. “For Alex, we’ll match some of the other flowers from her bouquet so there’s a point of difference. I’ll do the same for Jules.”

“Sounds grand.” I hum in agreement. 

“Wonderful. And Lidia showed you the arrangements for the tables? And inside the tent? You’re happy with everything?” 

Lidia had in fact shown me all of the arrangements Zara had been working on, and I loved all of them. They were a mix of our birth flowers, with whatever Zara felt complimented them best. Naturally there was a lot of greenery featured considering our backdrop was the greenery of Sligo and Conor’s backyard. Due to our birth flowers there was also surprisingly a lot of pink and purple incorporated, though Zara knew us well enough to know we’d prefer muted tones over loud clashing colours. In all, she achieved a very moody and romantic feeling which to be able to feel amongst flowers was impressive. But I suppose she was right; that’s why she’s a professional. 

“I think it’s all fantastic. And Lidia loves it. No complaints whatsoever.” I nod as I follow her from the counter in the back of the shop she worked in to the front desk to pay the outstanding invoice for the wedding. 

“Her bouquet looks incredible; she’s going to look ethereal, you know.” Zara chuckles as she slides the invoice across to me to look over. 

I send her a look. “Trust me, I’m anticipating it. Julien has already told me I don’t deserve the angel that is bridal Lidia.”

Zara lets out a laugh. “He means it out of love.”

“I know,” I chuckle as I skim over the invoice and I slide it back to her. “Dia said not to let you give us mates rates. She wants to pay you properly- “

Zara rolls her eyes and waves me off. “Shut up. My invoice is final.”

“Zara.”

“Andrew. I’m letting you marry my best friend, aren’t I? As if I’m going to make you guys pay full price. Please.” She mutters sassily as she pushes her long braids over her shoulder and pushes the machine toward me. 

Knowing there is absolutely no persuading her, I tap my card and slide it away. 

“Expect a phone call- “

“I will.” She smiles ‘sweetly’ at me as she prints a receipt. “Have you written your vows yet?” 

I raise a brow. Julien had asked me the same thing when he’d come to the tux fitting the other week and I couldn’t help but wonder if this was Lidia secretly asking through her best friends.

“I’m curious. Miss Dia is nervous about confessing her love to you in front of everyone. You know what she’s like.” Zara muses as she leans on the counter between us. “I’m assuming you’ve started?”

A blush finds its way onto my cheeks as I nod. I don’t know why I was embarrassed to admit that I had; the wedding was in three weeks- I’d be concerned if I hadn’t brought myself to begin the process, at least. 

“So you don’t think she’s started writing hers?” I ask just as curiously. “Do you think she doesn’t know what to say?” Fuck. That wasn’t a good sign. Was she getting cold feet?

Zara lets out a laugh, shoving my concern to the side. “Please. I’ve read like six drafts of Lidia’s vows. She’s been writing them for like…two months.”

My eyes widen as the words leave her lips. “I…really?” We’d only agreed on our wedding date Two and a half months ago- to know she had been writing her vows all this time shouldn’t have surprised me, but it did. Knowing how sensitive our getting back together had been had left a tiny seed of insecurity in my brain that there was a very possible chance we might not make it to our wedding day. It was a quiet concern, and not one I shared vocally, but hearing Zara say that Lidia had been fretting over her vows and for so long, provided me that tiny bit of comfort. Enough to turn down the concern, at least. 

“But don’t tell her I said that, Christ. She’d have a right go at me, like.”

I nod. “Yeah, of course.” 

We wrap things up and I head out of the shop, back to Lidia’s flat. She was at work at the studio but I was staying in the city for a couple of meetings this week. Today, however, was a relatively quiet day where my only task had been to meet up with Zara, confirm all of the floral arrangements for the wedding and pay the invoice. 

Now, it seemed I needed to face the very thing I had been nervously putting off.

Finishing my vows. 

L 

“And this one, I think.” Andrew hums as he reaches for a book on the shelf above my head, his cologne wafting over my nose. Rich mahogany, black teakwood and lavender radiated from his plaid shirt and denim jacket combination. Yummy. If we weren’t in a public book shop, I would have taken a bite out of him right then and there. It was fair to say his height was having an affect on my hormones today, and only furthered by the miserable weather outside that left me wanting nothing but to return to the couch and bury myself within him. 

“Don’t you already have that? I swear I’ve seen that in your house.” I murmur as I look at the cover. Letters to Milena. Ah, my soft little poet. It was not lost on me, the fact that I had married one of the biggest romantics known to man, who had once been my nerdy boyfriend from college. The duality of man, right before our eyes. Oh, but how I loved when he would read poetry down my bare skin…

“No, I think you have it, though. But you’ve got the American cover.” He mumbles as he flips through the book. 

“Right, so we don’t need another one.” 

“Well, I need one.”

I roll my eyes and look up at him warningly. “Don’t make me say it.”

Andrew looks down at me with a shit-eating grin, provoking exactly what he wants to hear from me. He was such a little pest sometimes. 

I sigh and rest my head on his chest, giving in immediately. It simply wasn’t worth the sarcastic argument. “What’s mine is yours.”

In a flash, he slides the book back on the shelf and keeps looking, that smug little smile pasted across his pink lips. 

“You’re impossible.” I mumble. 

“Sharing is caring. It’s what you do when you’re married, Dia.” He tells me self-approvingly. 

I chuckle and stand up straight. “You just want to be able to buy another book and freeload off of my collection. Greedy git.”

Immediately, he reverts. “I can definitely buy my own copy of this- “

I reach out and grab his wrist before he pulls the book down from the shelf again. “You’re such a prat. Today’s haul is on you, husband.”

He gasps dramatically - and cutely- as he places a hand over his heart. “The last trip to the book shop was on me.”

“Oh, so you draw the line at sharing credit cards?” 

He lets out a laugh and drapes an arm possessively around my shoulders. “Hey, you want to open up that conversation again? You’re the one that wanted a prenup- “

“Excuse me, Andrew?”

We pause as a young, female voice appears behind Andrew. Instinctively, he lowers his arm as he turns, shielding me with his back. Likely, fans. Polite ones by the sound of it. 

“Hey.” He smiles as he acknowledges them kindly. 

As the three girls talk to him, despite how polite and kind they sound, I quickly slip away down the aisle as I feel my heart start to race. They were likely in their early twenties, yet they were real people. And for some reason that terrified me. They didn’t just exist online- here they were in the flesh. 

I try to distract myself and my sweaty palms by looking in the next aisle for the books we’d talked about; ones we had planned to add to the already existing pile in my arms. 

Biting my lip, I skim through the titles and add two more to the stack of six before taking them up to the counter. I felt stupid for having such an anxious response to something that regularly happened to Andrew, but all I could think about were the worst of the comments online I had read during moments of weakness. They always felt heaviest at night and that was when I tended to get my alone time from him to divulge in my unhealthy habit. The fact that I waited until he fell asleep was secretive and dishonest, and that wasn’t lost on me. I was well aware of that. 

“Fifty-five euro, love.”

I snap back into reality and tap my card on the machine with a shaking hand, mentally cursing our indulgent purchase of the day. I suppose fifty euros for eight books wasn’t too bad. Besides, they were going back to my flat, not his house, so that counted for something. 

The man behind the counter hands me a brown paper bag with the shop’s name stamped on the front. I thank him with a small smile before becoming lost in another aisle as I begin looking for Andrew, hoping that he’d finished up with- 

“There you are.”

I jump unnecessarily as he comes up behind me, planting a kiss on my neck and a hand on my hip. 

“Why’d you run away?” He murmurs curiously. 

“I didn’t, I- “

“You scattered as soon as they showed up. Are you alright?”

I bite my lip and nod as I turn to him. “Thought I’d pay while you chatted to them. Were they- um, were they nice?”

Andrew nods with a small chuckle. “Yeah, darlin’, they were very nice. Book nerds like us, so we geeked out a little. I would have introduced you, but you’d disappeared.”

My heart skips a beat. “Oh, no that’s okay. You don’t have to do that. That’s kind of counter productive, right? To introduce your wife to- “

“I’m not open about my private life, but I’m not necessarily secretive about it. I’m not going to lie and call you a friend, Dia.” Andrew points out. “Besides, if anybody said anything to you, I’d be there to protect you. Like I said I would.”

I swallow the lump in my throat and nod. He had good intentions, but realistically, he couldn’t be there 24/7, and him thinking he could worried me about what he might push me into. 

Why do you say it like that? He’s only trying to protect you.

Andrew holds his hand out. “Come on, let’s get out of here.”

Despite wanting to simply follow behind him unnoticed, I crack under the pressure and slide my hand into his. His grip tightens and he walks ahead of me, not making any effort to hide our entangled hands. The girls he was speaking to earlier sit around one of the little cafe tables at the front of the store that doubled as a cafe. They look up as he passes, and he gives them a smile and a small wave as we walk past. They’re literally so kind. There’s nothing wrong with them. They smile at me too, and I can’t help but blush as I force a smile back. Fuck. Was that real enough? Did I look fake? Would they think I was fake? 

Andrew tugs my hand and opens the door for me, allowing me to leave first. When we get out onto the street, I feel like I can breathe again. I appreciate him doing that for me, but I hope he never does it ever again. I hope I’m never in that situation ever again- at least not right now. My mind was too heavy with noise that made that exercise feel like I was on trial. 

It’s all in your head.

And this I knew, however it didn’t soften the blow of the anxiety it caused. 

A

I grip her hand tightly as we stand in front of the doors of the small town hall, waiting for our moment. I look at Lidia beneath her veil and my heart falls out of my chest. Suddenly we are in college again, seeing each other for the first time across the classroom. We are singing together for the first time. I am on her doorstep in the rain with a bloody and bruised face. She is wrapping her arms around me, protecting me before she knows what is going on. We are entangled in her bed together having just bared our bodies and souls to one another for the first time. We are on those little stages together. We are on bigger stages. She is in my hotel room over a year ago. I am telling her I love her too soon. She is backstage, smiling softly at me as I sing a thousand songs that have always, always, been about her. 

It has always been about her. 

She squeezes my hand, that soft smile returning. 

“You ready?” Conor asks as he places a hand on the doors in front of us. 

Lidia looks at him and smiles, nodding for the both of us because she doesn’t need to ask me. “We’re ready.”

The doors open and Conor walks in first, finding his place in the front row where he has always been, supporting us. 

Lidia takes a deep breath and I follow her lead as we walk into the hall. Sweet Thing by Van Morrison is played by a small band put together by Alex, but we can’t hear it because the cheering of our closest, most loved guests overtakes the music. I can’t help but laugh, looking down at the woman beside me as she laughs through rosy cheeks and a sparkle in her eye. 

We make it to the altar and stop in front of Reverend Kelly, who greets us with a bright smile and a comfort in her eyes that confirms we are doing the right thing. We were doing the best thing. 

The ceremony isn’t long, only twenty minutes in total. But when we get to the vows at the very end, it feels like the entire world has slowed and that we are the last group of people left on Earth to witness it. I am definitely romanticising it, but it’s hard not to when standing in front of the love of your life; the woman who has always been the right choice, even if for a brief moment I had not known what choice to make when we were kids. 

All I knew was that right now, her hands were in mine and she was leading me into a future I had been waiting to begin my whole life. 

“Andrew, would you like to go first?” Reverend Kelly beams as she looks between us. I look at Lidia and she nods desperately for me to take the leap. 

I chuckle and nod before reaching into my jacket pocket to pull out the little white card that contained my most heartfelt words. 

Christ. I bared my soul for a living, yet this was the most nervous I had ever felt. This mattered on a different level, and it terrified me. 

Lidia squeezes my other hand as it hangs between us, tightly embraced in hers. 

Home. Home. Home. 

I clear my throat and begin speaking. 

“Lidia, I could tell the story about how we met in our twenties, and how you have always been the person I was meant to find in this life. I could tell all of our loved ones with us today how we found our way back, how we have built a home together in a way that means more to me than I could ever find the words to explain. I could tell all of this, but I think you- I think everybody in this room knows it to be true without me needing to say it,” I look up at her nervously, chuckling as she looks at me with watery eyes. Mine water immediately and I reach up to quickly wipe my nose. I hear my best mates chuckle, I hear my mother ‘aw’ and I feel Lidia squeeze my hand in support. “So what I will say, is something which again, you already know. But you know this because you built this into me. You taught me this from the day we met, and I have never forgotten it. I love you. It consumes me entirely, brightens my soul, sets me on the right path. Our path. And as a result of this path, again, you already know, but I cherish you more than life itself. And I will do so, until the very end of it. You are my girl, and have always been…my girl. And if you ever waver, or feel alone, or simply need to reach out for me, keep these words close to your heart. Every door I walk through, I take you with me. For wherever I go, is not worth it without you beside me.”

I squeeze her hand before letting go to tuck my vows into my pocket. Before I can, Lidia holds out her hand, biting her lip. 

“Can I keep those?” She asks quietly. 

I nod, chuckling, and hand them over. 

“Just want to make sure you stick to your word, like.” She teases lightly as she plays off the emotion. 

“And Lidia?” Reverend Kelly prompts. 

Julien steps forward, producing a pink piece of paper from his jacket pocket and handing it to Lidia. She laughs nervously as she swaps him for my vows and takes hers, opening the piece of paper between two shaking hands under her veil. The border of the page is decorated in swirls and love hearts; ones I used to see all over her college notebooks when she’d be working on an important assignment and was trying to keep herself focused on the task. 

I reach out and take one hand in mine to provide comfort, and she looks at me with an anxious smile. 

“You all know I’m not the poet out of the two of us, but I’ll try my best,” she hums, causing a ripple of laughter through our friends and family. Though nervous, she takes a deep breath and looks up at me.

“Andy. As you know, my mother was my guiding light. She taught me what I know about love. About how in love, it is important to be patient, compassionate, protective, yet still independent. Watching my parents love one another over the years taught me compassion and protection. Loving you, has taught me to be patient yet independent. I know I’m still working on the first, and attempting to soften the second, but if you are the continuation of her lesson, then I hope I never stop learning.”

My heart cracks in my chest, right on time with the crack in her voice. I squeeze her hand in support, hoping she hears me when I silently tell her how proud I am of her. The way she bites her lip tells me she hears me perfectly. Of course she does. 

“Some people might call us crazy for standing up here so soon, but since the day you told me you wanted to be my family, I’ve known. I’ve known that we have found where we belong, and we can finally go home.”

“Christ,” I breathe heavily as I look over my shoulder, my eyes misty. I try to laugh it off, and she does too, shaking my hand to regain my attention. “Sorry.” I chuckle, joined by the mix of sniffing and chuckling coming from our loved ones. This woman and her words, they took me down every time. 

And she wasn’t even looking at her piece of paper. 

“And, I love you.” Lidia smiles sweetly, tilting her head to the side as her eyes grow warmer with adoration. She reaches under her veil to hand me her vows, which I tuck into my jacket pocket. 

‘I love you,’ I mouth to her with a wink. 

“Now, the rings?” Reverend Kelly prompts, looking behind me at Alex, who steps forward gracefully and hands them to each of us. Lidia’s wedding band is dainty and thin; something simple to sit beneath her engagement ring. She takes my wedding band from Alex and her eyes widen as she inspects the detail. Not only were our birth flowers wrapped around the outside of the ring, but today’s date was inscribed on the inside. Her lower lip juts out as she pouts; begging me to be kissed. 

“Andrew, do you promise to love and support Lidia as not just your wife, but your partner in this life? To honor and protect her?” Reverend Kelly asks. 

I nod and slide the ring onto her finger. “I do.”

“And Lidia, do you promise to love and support Andrew as not just your husband, but your partner in this life? To honor and protect him?” 

She nods just as quickly as I had, her eyes focused on our slightly shaking hands. “I do.”

And I believe her words. They sink so deeply inside of me that it felt like I was born to receive them. 

Lidia slides my ring onto my finger before looking up at me with watery eyes and a smile so wide it brought mine along with it. 

‘I love you.’ She mouths, the happiness vibrating off of her. 

“Right, well with that said, it gives me the most wonderful honor, in front of their beloved family and friends, to pronounce Andrew and Lidia as husband and wife.” 

Before the words had even left the reverend’s mouth, I am lifting Lidia’s veil and cupping her cheeks as I kiss her full lips. She places her hands over mine, laughing into my mouth as the small hall erupts with cheers. If I could bottle up this feeling and keep it with me at all times, I’d do it in a heartbeat. Husband and wife. She is my wife. Lidia O’Keane is my wife. My Dia. 

I pull back and look into her eyes. My whole life is mirrored back to me, this time a shared life. From here on out. Love. Protection. Support. Honor. Everything, for her. There was no door she would walk through alone. 

My fingers glide over the framed pages in the hallway of my house. After the wedding, we had our vows framed together. At first I’d suggested framing them separately so I could have Lidia’s on my bedside and she could have mine on hers in her flat, but she had countered that idea with the logic that because we had spoken them together, they should remain together. 

She also said that we would eventually live together in the one house, and that keeping them together was another promise to achieve a joint living situation. I liked that she was constantly thinking about our future.

Since the day you told me you wanted to be my family, I’ve known. I’ve known that we have found where we belong, and we can finally go home.

I trace her gorgeous cursive over the glass with my fingers, her voice wrapped around them loudly in my ear. Home. We were building a home together, and we were doing it on love, protection, compassion…honesty. 

But she wasn’t being honest with me. 

All I had to do was look up and see her at the end of the hall, biting her lip as she peered down at her phone. She might have been responding to a text. Or a work email. Sure. But what about at night when she assumed I was sleeping? What about when we were sitting on the couch watching television? Did she think I didn’t notice? 

She’s my wife. Of course I noticed. Of course I did. 

Because it was slowly eating away at her. 

And it was all my fault.

Chapter Text

Handfuls of her silk dress slip out of my hands as I slide my fingers over her arse, pinning her to the back of the door. She was like water in my hands with the way she moved between them; but I have her. I have her for forever now. 

Her hands cup my jaw on both sides, her thumbs caressing my face as she pours her eyes into mine, right before she kisses me with her soft lips, painted a deep pink that accentuate them perfectly. Everything about her was perfect. Today, she glowed. 

“You’re my husband.” She whispers between kisses, her breath hot in my mouth. 

I nod gently in an attempt not to break apart our lips. “I know. Finally.”

“Finally?” She chuckles as she pauses to look at me. “We’ve only been engaged- “

“Finally, Dia.”

Her expression softens before she kisses me again, deep and meaningful like she’s telling me her entire story. And I want every chapter of it. 

“Let me get out of this dress.” She whispers. 

I clench my hands into fistfulls of her dress. Her wedding dress. “I can help you.”

A shy, innocent smile tugs at her lips before she shakes her head at me. “Take your jacket off. I’ll be right back.”

Ah. 

I kiss her again before she slips into the bathroom of our cosy little cabin. She looks at me sweetly over her shoulder before the door closes on her. My wife. Looking down at the ring on my finger, I almost can’t believe it. We’d done it. Alongside the joy and the immense love I felt for her, I couldn’t help but also acknowledge the brewing sense of protection and responsibility that rolled in like a storm. She was an independent woman- one of the most independent women I’d ever met, yet I had made a vow to protect her. There would be a time when that would be called upon, and I would need to learn how to do it in a way that still kept her free, that respected her boundaries and her independence. I knew this. And this might be what I was most nervous about when it came to marrying Lidia. Everything else, we would handle. We would get through, together. The light hadn’t gone out and that was for good reason. 

But this, this I would need to ensure I did not fail for her. 

L 

I hand Julien the lens as per his request before stepping off set and returning to my temporary office set up on the sofa in the far corner of the studio with my laptop. Our desks were too close to the set where he was currently finishing up a shoot for a client so I had taken to my usual temporary -and more comfortable- location of our plush, cream boucle sofa. Kicking my slides back off, I cross my legs underneath my body and pull my laptop back into my lap as I resume my work. 

So far today I had fired off final edits for three different clients and was about to go through my calendar again to realign myself with my upcoming shoots, before I posted some work to my Instagram account. It had been a busy yet productive day today, and I had to admit, I was proud of myself. 

Since taking a small step back from the workload I had been drowning under, I had actually been able to keep on top of the editing work, which had slowly piled up between my days off and shoots. Getting back on top of it made me feel on top of the world right now. 

Looking up over my laptop, I eye Julien busy at work on set, his attention completely focused on the client on the other side of his camera. Biting my lip, I return back to my screen and bring up the login page to our query inbox. 

Okay, maybe there was one thing I wasn’t so proud of. 

My fingers dance over the keys as I log in to the inbox I promised I wouldn’t touch, allowing Julien and Teaghan to manage it and only send through the jobs that poured in for me. The password had been easy to guess, because it was the same one Julien used for his Instagram, which I had been given in order to upload work content for him from my phone when his had shat the bed last year. That was the kind of trusting relationship he and I had. 

And we still did. I just…needed to know if it was still really bad in the queries. 

Guilt coursed through my body as I waited for the page to load, unable to help myself. It was bad. It was bad because I told him I wouldn’t be doing this, but I was only human. And this is my business. And- 

My eyes narrow at the screen as it finally loads in full. Christ, I really need to get my eyes tested. 

It wasn’t too harsh considering Teaghan had already logged in remotely this morning to filter through. Most of the items in the inbox were jobs that Julien and I had already divided up and booked in this morning during our morning meeting, all either confirmed or waiting confirmation from the clients. There were a few new jobs that had come through since, and a handful of queries targeted at me. 

Query: your ‘photography’ is rubbish and I can’t believe people pay you guys for this

Query: you guys are so fucking weird, nobody is this close, especially when they have partners you should be ashamed of yourselves

Query: I saw you at temple bar the other week. Stop embarrassing yourself you’re shit live. Andrew must be so humiliated by your incessant need to pursue a music career when you clearly have no talent. 

Query: i find it really weird that julien has to surround himself with women when they’re clearly all a cover for his sexuality. The fact that lidia’s in on it is even worse when she has a husband. 

My eyes widened in disbelief before watering with the pain of each word. I delete the last one before I can even think. My jaw tenses as I look up across the studio and watch my best friend of almost ten years do the thing he not only loves, but is so incredibly talented at. The thing he works so hard at. He doesn’t deserve to be dragged into all of this and I was so glad I logged in so I could get rid of the toxic shit he might have seen tomorrow had Teaghan not been quick enough. 

One by one, I delete the rest of them with shaking hands. The queries could be sent in anonymously if somebody was requesting a rough quote, but usually serious or return clients sent through their contact details so we could return their message. At that moment, I made an executive decision to turn off the anonymous queries. While it meant losing a few potential clients, I would rather that than have Julien see anything written about him. I never want him to feel the deep cut of anonymous hate like I had. 

Those words upset me, but even more so, the ones directed at him. How fucking dare they. 

The rest of them were nothing new to me; a broken record of hate I had already been getting. 

But now they were gone. And there would be no more, not in this way, at least. 

And he would never know. 

“Oh, I’ve been meaning to talk to you about something,” Julien pipes up as we pack down the rest of the set after his client had finally left, later that afternoon. 

“We got a call.” 

I look up, raising a brow. “A call?” 

Julien nods as he winds a cable around his arm. As his memory returns to him, his grin only grows, telling me this was a good call. 

“The Irish Times.”

“They want us to shoot for them?” 

He shakes his head. “They want to shoot us. For their arts pages for the Sunday edition.” 

My eyes widened, mirroring his surprise. “They want to feature us in the Sunday Times?” 

Julien grins, nodding quickly. “They want to do a feature on us for their local business highlight.” 

“Julien, that’s amazing.” I whisper, unsure why I was whispering. Maybe it was the nerves, maybe it was the excitement over such an achievement this was. I was well aware of the positives this could bring our business to be featured on these pages- plus, it’s not every day your career and business is asked to feature in The Irish Times. 

He finishes winding the cable and throws it in the tub by his feet. “I’ve been meaning to tell you since they called me at lunch. This would be great for business, Lid. They want to shoot and do an interview about how we started and grew our business, and include shots from our most successful campaigns.”

I nod as I take in the information. “We have to do it, obviously.” 

Julien nods. “I told them I’d confirm with you before I go back to them. Their creative director is going to jump on a call with us tomorrow morning to book it in. We’ll probably shoot here and do the interview here too so they can see the studio. When we confirm the date we’ll get Matt to do some catering for us. Get on their good side so they shoot our good side.” 

“I…that’s amazing. This is amazing, Jules.” 

He grins, nodding as he walks over to me and wraps me in a tight hug, most likely to squeeze some sense of reality back into me. 

“Well done, boss lady. We fucking deserve this.” 

I hug him back and I can’t help but smile. Yeah, we really did. Our hard work deserved this. 

A

I stand back and tilt my head to the side to take in the room at large. She could have a white backdrop against the far wall like she does in her studio, and a desk set up in the corner. She could put the garage door up for natural light, and we could get a skylight in to keep the light when she needs the door down for the shitty weather. 

But would clients be willing to come out to the countryside? It’s a lot to ask, even though I’d follow her anywhere. 

I sigh and step out of the empty garage -the second garage on the side of the house that I used for storage- and pull down the roller door. I’d been trying to figure out what to do with it since I moved into this place years ago, and recently had been pondering about transforming it into something for Lidia to use for her work when the time came for her to move out here. But I don’t really know what that looks like so I put a pin in it for another day, trusting she would lead us when the time comes. 

Instead, I spend the day organising my home studio, which included making space for her guitars. She now only kept her Takamine in her flat, the one I gave her for her twenty-first birthday. Her others, she’d brought out here because we’d started playing together a little more ever since the gala. When we were at her flat it was usually during the week because of work, but it was on the weekends at our house in the country that we really got to relax and unwind, so it made sense for her to bring them out this way. 

I’ve never shared studio space with a partner before, and it felt strangely -yet pleasantly- domestic to make room for her musical equipment, and I loved that. It was a nod to our past, to the way we met, and the thing that had brought us back together. It reminded me how proud I was of her for doing such a brave thing last year. Not only was she brave for getting up onstage in front of thousands of people, but she was brave with her heart when she opened it back up to me. 

She was the girl I had met in university, and she was the woman that allowed me back in a year ago, all at the same time. There were multiple sides to her and I wanted every one. 

When she gets home later that afternoon, I’m out on the back patio resealing the deck, a job I’d been putting off for a good couple weeks for no reason. I’d ordered new furniture for out here (with the creative input from Dia) and it was finally being delivered so I needed to get this job done as soon as possible. 

With my time off this year I planned on checking off quite a few jobs around the house and Lidia had been helping me out on the weekends. Thank fuck it was finally Friday, because I didn’t know how I was going to get this job done on my own in time. 

“Hi baby.”

I look up from my crouched spot on the deck, paintbrush in hand. Lidia stands in the doorway, bag on her shoulder and a package under her arm, a tired smile on her face after a long day. She didn’t have a shoot today, but I know she’d been swamped with editing work lately and could feel the exhaustion radiating from her. 

“Hi, darlin’,” I murmur as I put the brush down and wipe my hands on my dirty jeans. “Good day?”

Lidia nods. “You?”

I nod and stand, sliding my feet into my Birkenstocks before walking on the unsealed planks to make my way over to her to greet her with a kiss. 

She looks up at me and smiles, accepting my lips to hers. “Nice deck.”

I smirk. “Yeah?”

Lidia rolls her eyes playfully. “Yeah. It’s so big.”  

I laugh and follow her inside to the kitchen. “I’m almost done with the first coat but I’ll need your help tomorrow if that’s alright.”

She nods, putting her things down beside her overnight bag on the kitchen bench. While I’d prefer she just live here , it always brought me joy when I saw that overnight bag- it meant we had at least two days to ourselves out in the slow countryside. When we were in the city, there was always some kind of social engagement or interaction going on. I didn’t mind it, but waking up at half six because my wife was going to some insane early morning work out class instead of lazing in bed with me would always feel like an extreme crime against humanity. 

“I have a call in the morning, but I can help you after that.”

I raise a brow as I lean against the bench with my arms crossed. “Like a work call? On a Saturday morning?”
A smile tugs at her lips as she nods and picks up the slim cardboard package that had been wedged under her arm when she came in. 

“Yep. With Jules and The Irish Times.”

My eyes widen in surprise. “The Irish Times? Are you shooting for them?”

Lidia shakes her head and looks at me as she picks at the sealed edge of the cardboard nervously. “They’re doing a feature on our business. For the Sunday Arts section. They always feature local businesses or artists. They got in touch and want to do a profile on our business. Shoot and interview.”

“In the paper?”

Biting her lip, she nods. “Yep.”

“I- shit. That’s grand, darlin’.” I murmur, pulling her in for a hug and crushing her against my chest. “Well done. That’s great.”

Lidia chuckles against me, her hand running up and down my spine. “Thanks. It’s going to be really good for our business.” 

“Like you even need it- you’re busy enough.” I murmur into the top of her head. “I’m proud of you, Dia. You guys deserve this. You work so hard.”

She looks up at me, a shy smile growing on her lips. She was so impossible at accepting any kind of praise from me, but I’d learnt to give her space around that. That little smile told me everything. “Shh…”

I laugh and loosen my grip on her as she squirms away from me, refocusing on the package in front of her as she tears the tab open. “Well after your meeting, we can finish the deck.”

Lidia nods and slides her hand into the thin package before pulling out a vinyl record. “Alrighty.”

I raise a brow, surprised when she flips over the album and I see my teeth staring back at me. “Did you…”

“Mm.” She nods, reaching for her house key and slicing the plastic sleeve open to free the record of its confines.

“You bought my record?”

“From your online store, yeah.”

“I…why?” I chuckle, confused. 

“Because I don’t have a copy?” Lidia answers like it’s obvious as she opens the record and slides the auburn coloured disc out. She flips it over between her dainty fingers, her rings catching the overhead kitchen lighting. 

I come up behind her and rest my chin on her shoulder. “I could’ve gotten you a discount, at least.”

She lets out a laugh and it fills the room. “I genuinely don’t have a copy. Which is silly, because I have every other one, but not this one. So I just bought it.” 

“How come when I wanted to get that book, you said no because you already had it and that we’d just end up combining collections anyway? But then you buy an album I already have- “

“Because,” Lidia cuts me off defiantly. “This isn’t the same.”

“Ah.” I roll my eyes. 

“It isn’t. Because I’m supporting my husband.” She insists. 

My husband. Ugh. I’d never tire of that. 

“Right.” I chuckle at her poor excuse. 

“Besides, you have your own albums in your collection?” She teases cheekily as she slides the disc back into the sleeve and flips the record over to read the tracklisting. 

“Course I do, smart arse.” 

I watch as her delicate fingers glide over the words, wondering if she knew how many had been written about her over the years. Her essence had made her way into more songs than I could count. 

“This is the album that burst the bubble,” she hums lightly, looking up at me. She was right. It was the promo video for this extended version of the album that pushed us out of our three-month comfort zone post-wedding. While I kicked myself every day over it, I knew it would have happened eventually and the important part was she didn’t hold it against me. 

“It’s funny, don’t you think? That these bodies of work we’ve created are like a timeline of everything we’ve achieved in the space between us?” Lidia murmurs introspectively. “All of this music- “

“All of your campaigns. A literal studio and business.” I hum, tracing the side of her face with my eyes as she spoke. So much, she looked like her mother. 

Lidia nods gently. “And now everything onwards is…”

I lean in and press my lips to her neck. “None of my music will be untouched by you.”

I feel her cheek move against mine, proof of the smile curled on her lips that I can’t see while my eyes are closed. 

“I see you in almost every photo I take now.” 

“Mm?” I place my hands on the bench around her, mostly to hold myself up as she melts me with her words. 

“Yeah. It’s kind of…like even when I’m doing something that’s for me, or about me, I feel you behind me, like you’re…back.”

Back. Like I should have been, so much earlier. 

“I’ll always be behind you, Dia,” I murmur softly. “For everything onwards.”

Lidia reaches up behind her and slides her hand into my hair, tangling her fingers in my curls. Her touch is soothing, and I struggle not to become one with her. 

“That’s why I bought your album, doofus.” 

I chuckle and turn her around in my hands, greeting her once again with a kiss. “Thanks for keeping the lights on for me.”

“I gotta keep you in business, baby.”

“Well, since you paid full price- “

“Oh, don’t be mistaken, I used the family and friends code.” Lidia states, looking up at me. 

I raise a brow. “You know about that?” 

She nods. “Alex told me about it. I want my twenty percent off.” 

I can’t help but laugh. Fair enough, like. “Well, since you spent any money on it at all, I am in your debt. I’ll do whatever ye’ want this weekend.”

At this, Lidia’s face lights up as her arms slide around my shoulders. “Yeah?” She beams. 

I nod and kiss her cheek. “Mmhmm. Anything you want.”

“Anything?”

“Anything.”

Fuck. 

Lidia tugs on the sleeve of my hoodie, pulling me toward the left hand side of the room, practically vibrating with excitement as I trailed behind her. Well, at least I wasn’t the only man here, in fact most if not all of the other dudes in the room looked like they had been dragged along by their partners too. 

I mean, what self-respecting man - person- would be up at seven in the morning for pilates? 

“You said anything.”

“Like, we could probably burn more calories in bed- “

“It’s not about burning calories. It’s about core strength and clearing your mind.”

“My mind is usually pretty clear when we’re in bed- “

“No, your mind is on me when we’re in bed.”

So, she won that one, and as a man of my word, here I was at seven in the morning on a Saturday morning, following my wife into pilates. 

I’d drawn the line at hot pilates, though. I wasn’t totally insane. 

We set up our mats beside one another, and I take a seat on mine while Lidia goes and grabs us the weights and blocks needed for the class. I do sometimes feel like a lost puppy on the rare occasions that I would follow her to a class, but then I watch how she floats around the room with the most impeccable posture and a lightness to her that I know has something to do with the fact that we were doing this together. 

One of Lidia’s love languages is acts of service, and doing things together. When I rediscovered that about her, it was like returning home after a long time away. Just as she had been at twenty-one, now here at thirty-two, she was a protector. 

“Morning, Lidia. How are we?” 

I look up as a young woman that I’m guessing is the instructor smiles as she approaches us. 

Lidia smiles and sits beside me on her mat, rolling two weights in front of me. “Morning. We’re good.” 

“And we’ve got a new member?” 

Lidia nods, placing a hand on my shoulder. She’d only been to this studio a handful of times since taking up classes near my house, but I wasn’t surprised she’d already gotten on good terms with the instructor. 

“This is my husband Andrew. It’s his first time in this class. Andy, this is Lauren.” 

I give a friendly wave. “Morning.” 

“Andrew,” Lauren smiles. “Welcome. I hope you can keep up with Lidia, she’s one of our most committed.” 

“I’ll try my best.” I chuckle. 

“We’ll feel free to do the modified movements if anything feels too hard. I’ll keep an eye on your form, but just raise your hand if you need any help. I hope you enjoy the class.” She says with a friendly nod before greeting the next couple behind us. 

I look at Lidia. “So you’ve been coming here for a while, huh?” 

She blushes slightly as she starts to stretch. “Only a few weeks. I like the classes here. So don’t embarrass me.” She teases, shooting me a wink. 

Was this another way of her building a foundation? Was this what it looked like for her?

Naturally, I barely keep up with Lidia. Most of the time I get distracted by the way she moves into each move perfectly, challenging herself with the intermediate exercises and heavier weights. The stubborn part of her personality translated well into how disciplined she was, and not only was she fit as a result, but she was strong. Much stronger than I had given her credit for. 

As I watch her, I notice how controlled and at peace she is here. Maybe it’s being out in the country, maybe it’s because she’s doing something for herself, that makes her feel good. Maybe it’s being completely switched off from the outside world for forty-five minutes. 

Whatever it is, it fills me with an unsurprising need to protect that for her. To cherish this time and space with her. 

*

When she steps out of the bathroom, my heart falls out of my chest. Her hair is out, resting gracefully on her bare collarbones. 

Lidia steps to the left and leans against the wall beside the doorframe, her eyes trained on mine as she stares me down nervously from across the room. 

Her body is completely bare aside from a pair of white cotton underwear sitting low on her hips. No extravagant lingerie, no stockings with the utterly sexy contraption around her waist. Just. Her. 

I swallow the lump in my throat, suddenly nervous to move. She bites her lip, her eyes trailing up and down my body. I’d only gotten so far as to kick off my shoes and unbutton my shirt, having gotten lost in my thoughts about the very woman in front of me. 

Slowly, I make my way to her, crossing the dark room until I can feel her breath hit my neck as she looks up to me. 

I reach out and hold her waist in my hands, noting the way her body eased under my touch. 

Without breaking eye contact, I sink down to my knees in front of her, sliding my hands around to the back of her knees. Her eyes widen slightly, her pupils dilating. Her teeth dig deeper into her bottom lip. Her heart races- I know this because it’s in time with mine now. 

I press a kiss to her right knee, her right thigh, all the way up to her hip. A small whimper escapes from her throat, a sweet sound I could never tire of. 

I ask her with my eyes for permission as I hook my fingers into her underwear. She releases her bottom lip and nods, lifting her hips away from the wall. 

Slowly, I begin to tug her underwear down her legs until she’s bare in front of me. She watches me as I tuck them into my pocket. 

Mine. 

She laughs lightly, reaching down to run a hand through my hair, tugging on the hair tie holding it together until it gives in, forgetting its purpose. That was normal around her. 

I continue to trail kisses up her thigh until I can’t get any higher. Gently, I push her legs apart and lean in. 

The moment my breath, let alone my lips touch her core, she unravels in front of me. Her hand tightens in my hair, her head tips back against the wall. Her body responds to mine, in ways I’ve seen a thousand times that still feel brand new to me. 

“Andy…” she whimpers quietly. “I…” 

I dig my nails into her thighs as I press my tongue into her. I feel her body tense with each moment, holding off from sinking too deeply into me. 

I push her left thigh up and over my shoulder. Her pelvis tilts forward and she sings out in pleasure, her voice light and floating. I thank past us for booking a stand-alone cabin because I couldn’t have promised any neighbouring guests I’d be able to keep her quiet tonight. 

Lidia grips my hair in both hands as she balances on one foot, her milky thigh dangling over my shoulder. I feel her heel in my spine, telling me how much pleasure I was delivering based on the amount of pressure she applied into my back. 

A staccato of gasps leave her throat, telling me how close she was. 

“H-honey, I- “ she whispers, “I’m so…” 

I tilt my head back, flickering my eyes up to hers to find her already looking down at me. The friction from my beard against her skin sends goosebumps down her body and she shivers under the sensation. She slides a hand to my cheek, her teeth returning to that bottom lip. 

I nod as I look at her from beneath my lashes, pushing her to the edge she was dancing on. Do it. Come for me. Meet me here. 

And she does. She’s an Angel mid-flight, and she takes me with her. Everything she gives me I take carefully, making sure that by the time I rise to my feet, she is stable between my hips and the wall behind her. I wipe my mouth on the sleeve of my dress shirt I married her in, and I lean in and I kiss my wife. 

She slides her hands back into my hair, her rings getting tangled and tugging slightly. We’d have to get used to that. 

“I love you. So, so much.” She tells me softly and deeply, and I know it has nothing to do with me on my knees for her only seconds ago. Her chest rises and falls quickly between us as she comes down from her high. When she’s ready we’ll go again, this time on the bed where I can devour her for longer. But for now, I just want to stare into the eyes of the woman I am spending the rest of my life with. Protecting. Following. Honouring. 

“I love you so, so much, Lidia.” 

Chapter Text

I look down at the mug in my hands, at the way the bubbles in the frothed milk burst quietly before disappearing into my coffee. I hadn’t quite perfected the new coffee machine in the kitchen that I’d been getting used to, a wedding gift for one of the two homes I lived in with my husband. 

I look up at her. “He’s my husband now. I’m…married.”

She smiles back at me, lips that look just like my own. “I know. What a beautiful day that was.”

My eyes flicker to hers for reassurance. “You think so? I looked okay?”

Chuckling, she nods and sips her own coffee. “I think you looked perfect. Gosh. An angel you were, darling.”

A blush covers my cheeks as I look back down at my mug. “That’s what Andrew said- but he just likes it when I wear white.”

“I’m sure he likes it when you wear anything. Or nothing.” 

“Mam!”

Her laugh fills the air and I feel myself ease up as I sink back into the couch. I wanted to sit beside her but for some reason I couldn’t stand. Across the room was too far away. 

“Oh, I’m just kidding. And didn’t he also look good in his suit? I can’t believe how grown up you two are now. It’s almost unbelievable.” 

I raise a brow. “Almost?”

She nods knowingly. “I always knew you two would find your way back. I knew he would reach out and I knew you would answer. You just needed time.”

I bite my lip nervously as the warm sun pours through the room. The day was escaping us- it was never enough time. “You don’t think I gave in too quickly?”

“Are you happy right now, Liddy bug?” 

His face flashes through my mind, causing my heart to blossom. I was beyond happy. Words couldn’t describe how bright and full and joyful my life felt again. I had a good life before, but now it felt…electric. I look up to tell her this, but her returning smile tells me she already knows. 

“Then no, I don’t think you gave in too quickly.”

I wake up in a cold sweat, the sound of my mother’s voice still ringing in my ears. Despite the warm interaction, hearing it so clearly, around words never spoken between us spooks me. And then very quickly, they make my eyes sting with the realisation that those words would never truly be exchanged. The aching in my chest grows. My stomach empties and I feel smaller than I have in a long time. She would never say those words because she wasn’t there, and she wasn’t here.  

I knew she would always be with me, but it wasn’t enough. Not really. And it would never quite be enough, because enough should be within reach of my body. I wanted to feel her arms wrapped around me the way my father hugs me, the way my husband and my friends hug me. 

She was my compass, and she would know what to do about how fast my dial was spinning right now. She would know the direction I was to head and the path I was to take. 

But now I had to figure it all out on my own. 

“Dia?”

I look down at his sleeping form beside me in the dark. The alarm clock on the nightstand behind him told me it was just after one in the morning. The dark sky outside confirmed that. 

His face is pressed into his pillow as he sleeps on his front, his pale complexion like marble stretched over his muscles. He’s shirtless, likely because tonight I am the human furnace out of the two of us. He’s also still half asleep, but his hand has made its way onto my hip as a result of my sudden jolt into consciousness. 

“Sleep…” he murmurs groggily. 

“I know, sorry.” I whisper, my voice shaking. I pull my hoodie over my head and throw it on the ground, leaving me in only a flimsy camisole. I slide back down beside him, wiping my tears on the back of my arm. 

I miss her so much my insides feel like they’re twisting and pulling themselves apart. I miss my mam. She’d know what to do with all these nerves and unfamiliar feelings. This was supposed to be the happiest time of my life -and I was, truly happy- but I was also afraid. Of the unknown. Of the known. Of the way our perfect little bubble had been burst. Of not being a good enough wife. A good enough daughter, friend. Did I deserve all of this? Him? This life? 

What was it worth if I couldn’t call her up and tell her about it at the end of the day? 

I push down the little speck of jealousy that he still gets to call his whenever he wants. That he gets to buy her birthday presents and coffees. That his got to see me in my wedding dress and mine didn’t. 

He wraps his arms around my waist, pulling me into his side in his unconscious state. It wasn’t his fault, and it wasn’t fair of me to project that onto him. Maybe it was the fear in me. That I might lose him like I lost her. That it might be my fault this time, that he might see me as a burden too heavy to carry. 

It would take a lot to get to that point but that doesn’t mean it’s impossible. And if she’s not around to guide me back to sanity, there might really be a chance of it happening. 

Her question echoes in my mind, and it’s so clear I can hear her voice again, ringing through the halls. 

“Are you happy right now, Liddy bug?”

A 

The moment I step through the front door of the flat, I smell it. The sweet aroma of freshly baked muffins. The sharpness of blueberries, but also the decadence of the kind of milk chocolate you get from artisan markets on the weekend. One we hadn’t been to in a little while, that I mentally add to the agenda for this coming Sunday.

She was baking, and I loved when she baked. She did it rarely, but when she did, it was incredible. I prepared myself physically for the softness that would return to my stomach as a result of the poor self control I contained whenever our kitchen was full of these goods. 

Maybe when we were younger, could I picture Lidia in all her domestic goddess glory. Excited about some of the traditional aspects of being a wife, much like I, secretly, longed to be the one to make her my wife. Obviously as we grew older, marriage was something we began to see in a different light, and from conversations about the topic now in our thirties, we couldn’t help but laugh about how rose-tinted and naive our view had been, but we couldn’t help but love those fuckers that just wanted to go to bed together each night under the same roof, with the same dreams and maybe the same last name. 

But the Lidia I know today, she is anything but a traditional wife. And that is one hundred percent fine with me. I admire her independence; I found it sexy, liberating. Sometimes it was a little frustrating when it led her to the more stubborn side of her personality, but I know I frustrated her in the same vein just as much. 

So when I come home to a home smelling this good , I like to let myself indulge, just a little, in the domesticity of it all. 

I settle my keys and wallet down on the kitchen bench, startling her ever so slightly. I’m surprised by the fact that almost every inch of the kitchen is covered in trays of cooling muffins, or containers of already cooled ones. There is more than twelve, more than twenty-four - hell, there’s probably more than a hundrew here. And I can’t help but raise a brow. 

Are we having morning tea? To…feed the nation?

“Dia.” I hum. 

Lidia jumps slightly, turning and looking at me over her shoulder as she shuts the oven door and sets a timer on her phone. She wipes her hands on her sweat pants and tucks her hair behind her ears. It’s up in a messy bun and she has bags under her eyes, alluding that she’s likely been at this since she got up this morning, which was after I had left the house for a studio session in the city with some American producers I’d met during the recording of the last album. Today was a rare day in her schedule she had free, that I unfortunately didn’t. 

“Hi, baby.” She greets softly, walking over to me, and tilting her head up for a kiss. “Good day?”

I nod, snaking an arm around her waist as I lean down to meet her lips with my own. “Yeah, good. Finished a demo.”

Her face lights up with interest. “Really? Will you play it to me later?”

“When they send it to me, yeah.” I hum, reaching up to slide a hand through her hair. “How was your day?”

Lidia hums. “Fine.”

“Yeah?”

“Mmhmm.” 

I nod and look around the room before returning to her. “Lid?”

“Yeah?”

“We’re standing in the middle of a feckin’ bakery, darlin’.” I chuckle. 

Her eyes flicker to the crowded benches before looking back at me. “Right. Uh, I’ve been baking today.”

“I see,” I muse, squeezing her hip as I pull away to lean against the bench. “Are you starting a catering business?” 

“No,” Lidia scowls lightly as she returns to her routine of boxing muffins and clearing trays. “Women’s Aid is having a morning tea for the mothers in the women’s shelter in the city this weekend and I’m donating baked goods.” She explains. “I usually do when I can get the day off beforehand.”

“Oh,” I murmur, taken aback. “Wow. That’s kind of you.”

Lidia waves me off, predictably. “It’s nothing. Plus, I like baking.” She murmurs. 

“I too like it when you bake,” I tell her, crossing my arms over my chest as I watch her move about the kitchen. Despite the selfless gesture, I could tell there was something up. She looked stressed, on edge, even. “Are you okay, though? Today’s supposed to be your day off.”

“Women in shelters don’t get a day off.” She retorts. 

I raise a brow at her sharp response and she winces. 

“Sorry,” Lidia recoils, running a hand through her hair. “I uh…I have the shoot tomorrow. With the paper.”

Ah. 

Pushing myself up from the bench, I pull her back into my arms. To my surprise, she lets me hold her, even going so far as to wrap her arms around me. 

“Are you a little stressed?” I ask her quietly. 

“No,” she lies. “I just haven’t done something like this before. I’m used to being behind the camera.”

Nerves. 

“That’s okay,” I assure her as I pull back just enough to meet her eye. “Just think about how you got onstage in front of thousands of people last year and sang with your ex-boyfriend who you absolutely loathed. That would have been far scarier, right?” 

She throws me an eyeroll. The tenderness behind it tells me she’s leaning into my point. 

“This time, you’re just getting your picture taken, having a chat- and you’re doing it with your secret, twisted boyfriend.” I tease lightly. 

Lidia scowls as she glances up at me. “You were on a roll until that.” 

I laugh and pull her back into my chest. “What I’m saying is that Julien will be with you every step of the way. And you trust him more than anyone, right? He wouldn’t put you in a situation that wasn’t safe, nor good for your business. If he’s there beside you it’s because he knows you’re more than capable of doing it. I believe you’re capable regardless, but I know how neurotic you can be.”

Lidia hums as she takes in my words. Her eyes flicker up to mine and she reaches up to stroke my chin. “You were ninety percent correct.” 

I raise a brow. 

“I trust you more than anyone,” she murmurs quietly before pecking my lips. “Thank you…husband.”

I smile down at her, taking her little crack of vulnerability whole-heartedly. “I love you.”

“I love you too.”

Leaning in, I press my lips into her hair and take a chance. “Are you sure that’s the only thing going on?” 

She nods, her silence loaded. 

“Are you going okay with all the…other stuff?”

Lidia pulls back, her brow furrowed over glassy eyes. “I…I woke up missing my mum. A lot.”

Oh. 

She focuses on my chest, and I know it’s hard for her to be vulnerable like this. In fact, I’m surprised she is at all. I know she’d slept pretty rough last night, but I was out the door before she woke up and I had a chance to talk to her. It made sense she was nervous about the shoot tomorrow, but I knew there had been more to it. 

However, I wasn’t expecting this. 

I slide my hands onto her jaw and tilt her head up toward mine. “I’m sorry, love.”

Biting down on her lower lip, Lidia looks up at me with a small, sad smile. 

“It’s just…hard…sometimes.” She winces. 

Nodding, I press a kiss to her cheek. “Is there anything I can do?”

Covering my hands with her own, she shakes her head. “Not really.”

“Do you know what triggered it?” I ask, wondering if that was a stupid question as soon as it left my mouth. 

“Big life things.” She whispers, her voice shaky. “Being happy. Being sad.”

I pull her into my chest and wrap my arms tightly around her. My heart ached for her loss, knowing there really was nothing I could do to make her feel better about it. Sure, I could say a bunch of sincere and heartfelt things, about how she was so loved, about how her da, and my folks were proud of her, how I was proud of her. And I know she’d believe it, but it wasn’t really what she wanted to hear. 

I knew her well enough now to know that on days like this, I just had to let it exist. I’d lost a grandparent; I knew a similar pain. Not the same, but similar enough to know that certain kinds of pain we couldn’t ignore.

“I love you, Lidia. Give me the big life things. It’s okay. I have you.”

She grips me tighter, and I feel her body in mine, smaller than usual, but just as bright. 

“I have you.”

J

Flowers. Natural lighting. Fucking immaculate studio. Catering from downstairs on the way. Wardrobe waiting to be put onto our bodies. On time. Of course we’re on time, we’re fucking professionals. 

“Julien, I think it would be great to get a shot of you and Lidia at your desks also.” 

I turn on my heel, smiling warmly at Naoise, the journalist from The Irish Times that was set to interview Lidia and I today. Her photographer Sean was setting up his equipment on set while we waited for Lidia to come back up from Matt’s with our coffees and the baked goods we’d arranged ahead of time. We were nothing if not organised, and things were running smoothly, all things considered. 

Those things being our nerves, of course. But we were hiding them with grace. 

I nod in agreement with her suggestion. “Good idea. We didn’t fork out a pretty penny for this marble table not to be shown off.”

Naoise laughs. “It is gorgeous.”

“And we can do the interview afterwards on the couch,” I tell her as she walks over to me. “You don’t need to film it, do you?”

She shakes her head. “No, I’ll just record it. You guys were happy with the questions we sent over?”

I nod. “Yep. We’re happy with the direction you want to go in. How we met, how we started the business, the success of the last few years.” I list off, having studied the list of questions endlessly since she’d sent them over a few days ago. Elle had even helped me prepare, even though I knew the subject inside out- as one would hope. 

“We’d also love to touch on your working relationship, if that’s okay,” Naoise adds as she grips her notebook. “How being best friends impacts decisions you make for the business, how you navigate tough conversations or differing opinions. I think it’s great for young people interested in starting businesses with friends.”

“Yeah, that sounds great.” I agree. 

“And,” she pauses, eyeing me. “How keen do you think Lidia would be to talk about the tour she did with Hozier last year? Hearing about how that impacted the business and how you made that work with the studio’s schedule would be an interesting angle.” 

My protective streak starts to grow, though grateful she’d brought this up while Lidia wasn’t in the room. If she didn’t, it was next on my list. It would not be unknown to the publication just who Lidia was married to, and this would be an easy way into her private life if we weren’t careful. While I trusted Naoise’s warm and friendly energy, I didn’t trust the vile scum on the internet. 

I had also promised Andrew I would protect Lidia from this line of questioning, unbeknownst to her. It wasn’t that I didn’t think she couldn’t look after herself, but I knew more about how she was ‘coping’ than she realised. I have been friends with this woman for almost a decade, and I know when she’s not telling me things. I can read it across her face every time she looks down at her phone, every time she skims her emails. I see the way she brushes it off like it means nothing, when really it’s cutting her deep. And most of all, I see the way she is trying so hard to protect Andrew from what she’s going through, that she puts herself in harm’s way. 

Also, I know she’s been logging into the damn inbox and blocking the anonymous queries. I don’t know why, because I had put a system in place, but I’m not an idiot. I notice everything, even the things she keeps from me. 

And it pisses me off, but I know it’s tough on her. 

So, I make promises with Andrew to look out for her, and I stick to them. But I also made a promise to her mother when she was ill that I would look out for Lidia in her absence, and I stick to that one too. 

“I’d prefer we don’t discuss it in the interview. Lidia wants to focus on the studio and the business. That musical endeavour was more of a personal one. And we don’t want to discuss our personal lives outside of our friendship, in relation to the business.” I respond back with a friendly smile. 

I pick up that she’s a little disappointed, but respectful nonetheless. 

“No problem, understood. If there’s anything you want to skip, just let me know and I’ll move onto the next question.” 

“Wonderful.”

L

“What do you think? Okay?” 

Julien looks me up and down and nods. He reaches out to fix my hair. We’d been dressed by one of our favourite Irish brands that we’d shot for many times, and had a hair and make-up artist on set to ensure we looked perfect. We’d insisted we’d be fine to do our own grooming, but the creative director had insisted that as we were being styled, we would have everything else taken care of too. 

And, I mean, it’s not like I’m going to say no to someone professionally styling my hair. And neither would Jules. 

“You look like a hot professor.” Julien smirks. 

I rolled my eyes, knowing I very much did not look like a hot professor. I wore a simple black turtleneck tucked into a gorgeous grey wool maxi skirt. It was nineties and chic and I felt super confident standing beside my best friend. The pointed black heels on my feet even had me almost at his height. 

But if I looked good, Julien looked incredible. Not only was he naturally fucking gorgeous, but he killed his look in a pair of slouchy black trousers and an oversized, white dress shirt that was messily tucked into said trousers. Our overall look was classic, sophisticated and edgy, with the oversized elements and strong statement shoes bringing the vibe together. 

“You and your fucking Prada loafers.” I tease in his ear. 

He smirks back at me. “Model’s own.”

“Alright, if we can have you front and centre, Lidia, arms crossed and staring down the lense. And Julien, if you can have one hand in your pocket and your other arm propped up on Lidia’s shoulder. On her left, that would be perfect.” Naoise directs, waving us into place on the set. It was a wild experience being on the other side of the lense in our own studio, but I was proud of the reason we were here and I was making the most of it with my best friend by my side. 

I felt confident and strong throughout the shoot, and the nerves fell away as we followed the direction of the team. I forgot just how much fun it was to work with Julien, as opposed to alongside him inhouse. In the early days we did a lot of modelling for each other as we started to build our portfolios in college, and this really threw me back to those times.

After we get the shots, we grab our coffees and head over to the plush boucle couches in the corner of the office for the sit down interview. This might have been the part I was more nervous for, simply because I hadn’t done very many and nothing on this level. 

“Alright, I’m going to record this for later, but if you want to skip any questions, just let me know,” Naoise smiles warmly as she sips her coffee. “And thanks again for welcoming us in, this is a beautiful space you have.”

“It didn’t always used to look like this,” I chuckle, though overwhelmingly proud of the safe space we had created. Okay, and I really loved our marble work desks. But who wouldn’t?

“No, you’re right. You two really built this business from the ground up. Can you tell us how you met?”

As we relay our story, I find myself easing into the conversation, finding comfort in the memory as I sit beside one of my favourite people. My chest felt lighter the further into the shoot we travelled, and I started to allow myself to relax and ejoy the moment. We deserved this. 

“And then after a few years living abroad, Lidia returned and we got serious about the dream we’d always talked about. We knew what we needed in a studio and we looked around for about four months before finding this place. We were excited to have our own space, but from a business perspective we knew it was a must to create a space that others could use for their work.” Julien explains. “It was an investment as much as it was a stream of income. We were still building our portfolios at that point—we were nobody’s.”

“Of which, we still are.” I tease lightly. 

Julien laughs. “She brings me back down, as you can see.”

Naoise smiles. “And the bond between the two of you is evidently strong. How do you manage your friendship on top of your business partnership? Surely that can’t be easy?”

Julien looks at me with a smirk and a raised brow. “How do we do it, Lid?”

“Unhealthy codependency,” I laugh. “No, I think we manage it so well because our friendship has been through some extremely challenging times, and we’ve seen each other through that. I know that this man will stand beside me during a storm, and I think that’s the best person to do business with.”

“And vice versa.” Julien nods. 

“Having the same goals and drive for our business helps. We’re aligned in what we want to achieve and that comes from good communication. It’s really quite as simple as that.” 

“And what do you do when you aren’t aligned? When you’re not on the same page?” Naoise asks curiously, glancing between us. 

I go to respond that we didn’t usually find ourselves in that position, when Julien cuts in before me. 

“We talk about it. We approach one another. I trust Lidia to bring up with me any concerns or obstacles that are affecting her or the business. Our relationship relies heavily on trust and communication. It always has.”

His words send a ribbon of guilt through my chest as I mentally acknowledge that I hadn’t been communicating the way I should have been. 

But I was protecting him, and that was more important. 

We chat for a little longer with Naoise, and it’s a surprisingly wholesome conversation. We detail our journey, how we deal with setbacks and the ever changing world of technology in how it relates to our business, and how we manage to stay inspired with each client. My mind wanders back to the impromptu shoot with Andrew what feels like a lifetime ago, and I can’t help but bite back a small smile as I speak to the more traditional photography influences that have always kept me creatively flowing. The more intimate inspiration was for me and me alone. 

In all it’s a very fulfilling experience and I feel grateful to have had a moment to reflect and celebrate the hard work we put into our business. It was also really satisfying to sit beside my best friend and watch him receive praise he more than deserved. 

“Thanks so much for a great day,” Naoise beams as she packs up her things at the end of the shoot. The rest of the team pack away their gear, taking with them the floral arrangements we’d had Zara supply for the set design as a gift from us to them. The moment we said yes to the feature we knew we wanted Zara to be involved. She’d been a supportive vendor and friend throughout our journey so it only made sense to highlight her in the spread with her incredible talent. 

“I think it’ll be a great article and the photos turned out amazing.” She assures us with a smile. 

“If only we could keep the clothes,” Julien chuckles longingly. We were now in our own wardrobe which admittedly felt much less exciting after spending the day in the gorgeous threads from one of our favourite Irish designers. “But aside from that, I agree.” 

Naoise laughs. “Oh, I understand the pain. Our stylist is just far too good at her job. But so are the two of you, which has made this such a great experience. I’m really excited to put this together.” 

“We can’t wait to see it next Sunday.” I nod in agreement as I pick at a pastry that had been waiting on my desk for most of the day. 

“And I just have to say,” Naoise says as she turns to me, lifting her bag onto her shoulder. “I saw you sing last year at the second Dublin show with Hozier. I thought you were just incredible.” 

I’d gotten used to this compliment popping up, and while it was sweet to hear after I’d spent so long burying that part of my life, it still took me off guard. 

“Oh, thank you,” I blush. “That’s so kind. Hopefully you couldn’t see the nerves that come with playing in front of a Dublin crowd.” I chuckle, attempting to laugh off the embarrassment.

Naoise shakes her head. “Not at all. I thought it was wonderful. And great that you were able to do it while maintaining the business.” 

“We’re very proud of our Lid.” Julien nods with a smile, seemingly ending the conversation in the politest way possible. 

“Well, I better follow the team out. Again, thank you for today. It was a great conversation. If you need anything, you know where to reach me.” She offers. 

Julien walks her out and I take a moment to appreciate the space around us. Safe. Creative. Ours. We deserved this- we had worked hard for this. 

“Sorry, I hope that didn’t feel too invasive.” Julien hums as he closes the door behind him. 

I shake my head, waving him off. “She was really lovely. I’m just glad she didn’t bring him up in the interview.”

Julien nods and wanders back over to me. We meet eyes just before he pulls me into his chest in a bone-crushing hug. “Well done, Lid. I’m proud of you.” He murmurs. 

I wrap my arms around him and let out a deep breath. “I’m proud of you . So proud.”

“We did all this, y’know. We worked hard for this.” He says quietly, mirroring my earlier thoughts. 

I nod in agreement, allowing the moment of self-praise. “We did.”

Pulling back, he looks down at me. “How are you? With everything going on? I know they’ve not given up on you.”

“Who?” I ask, even though I know he’s referring to the noise online. I try to avoid it, but it’s hard when the algorithm is dying for me to see every instance in which my name is mentioned. 

Julien sends me a look. 

“It’s tough. But I’m switching off a lot more,” lie. “Taking more time to spend with Andrew.” Not a lie. 

“Tell me if you want more time off work. We’ve talked about this- it’s okay for you to take more time this year.” 

I nod again as we let go. “I will. I promise. And you’re okay?”

Julien chuckles and nods, rubbing his jaw. “I’m fine, babe. I could probably do with yoga on a Sunday morning soon, though. Let’s make plans with Z, yeah? We’ll have boozy breakfast afterwards.”

“Jules, I’m about to climax at that offer.”

He lets out a laugh and tugs me back into his chest, kissing my forehead. “I love you, freak. Fucking look after yourself.”

I rub his back and look up at him. “I’m fine. Really.”

“Mm. I’ll believe it when I see it.”

When I get home to the flat, I’m filled with an exhausted gratitude after such a fulfilling day. However as I turn my key in the front door, I remember that I’ll be going to bed in a quiet flat, because Andrew was out in the countryside. It was a Friday night and I was far too exhausted to drive out to the house, and he’d gone down earlier this morning after finishing up with his work in the city for the week. 

And it was fine , but I also felt the heaviness of my week returning, and there was nothing I wanted more than to simply melt into my favourite person. 

I let out a deep sigh as I close the door behind me and head into the kitchen, stopping as I see what was waiting for me. Beside the stacked containers of muffins I needed to drop off to the shelter tomorrow morning on my way down to Wicklow, was a large bouquet of flowers with a card. And not just any flowers, but my mother’s favourite flowers. 

I bite back a pout and open the card, my rings glinting under the light. 

‘Dia, I’m so proud of you. She is too. You’re the best woman I know- the very, very best. I love you - Andy x (your husband??)’ 

A laugh escapes my lips, as does a tear that I swipe away on the back of my hand. Fuck. Now I missed him even more, the jerk. 

I move the flowers onto the bench under the windowsill, placing the card in front of them before I moved to the fridge, my heart just that little bit lighter- 

I raise a brow and reach into the fridge, lifting another little card from on top of a casserole dish covered in plastic wrap. It looked to be a homemade potato dish, waiting to be warmed up and enjoyed with a glass of- my favourite red wine, currently being chilled right beside it. Ugh. If homeboy was home right now, he’d be getting something sweet tonight. 

I flick open the card and my eyes soften. 

Enjoy- you deserve to relax. Sorry it’s not as good as your mam used to make it. Maybe the wine will tell you otherwise ;) 

They weren’t just regular potatoes. They were her recipe. 

I shut the fridge and scramble for my phone, pulling it from my bag on the bench. I swat away the annoying tears on my cheeks and find his contact, wasting no time in hitting call. 

And I get his stupid voicemail. 

“Hey, I just- I’m crying over fucking potatoes,” I laugh pathetically. “I love you, Andrew. I really love you. So much. Okay. That’s all, I hope you’re having fun tonight with the lads. Don’t get too drunk, because I want to take you for breakfast tomorrow. Okay. Love you. Okay, bye.” 

I hang up and put my phone down, turning back to the beautiful flowers on my bench. The sting in my chest was still present, but ever so slightly, he had softened the blow. And the fact that he had even attempted to do so, filled me with gratitude. 

But did I deserve this? I wanted to believe I did but it was hard to block out the noise that told me I didn’t. 

Are you happy right now?

I let out a breath and run my fingers over the flowers. I felt her. She was here. 

Yes, mam. I’m happy. 

Chapter Text

I put my bag down on the bed and let out a sigh. He’d definitely splurged on the accomodation for our honeymoon, but I didn’t bother scolding him for it because it was just too gorgeous to complain about. It didn’t help that the blue sky was impeccably clear and the warm breeze melted any seasonal blues I’d ever had in my life. 

“Andy, I don’t think I can ever go home.” I murmur. 

He laughs, placing his bag on the bed beside mine before walking across the room to open the balcony doors. He’d booked us a beautiful villa that overlooked the expansive sea below. Outside, we had a private pool and sun chairs I couldn’t wait to get sunburnt on. We weren’t built for this kind of sunshine, but I already knew we wouldn’t be missing a second of it. 

I walk up behind him, sliding my arms around his middle. He’d slimmed for the wedding, and while I didn’t care what his body looked like, my mouth watered at the idea of seeing him in swim shorts, all toned and glistening in the pool under the sun…

“I’m so happy we’re here.” He whispers. 

My eyes flicker up, watching him as he gazes out onto the sea. He was tired from travel, having slept rubbish last night, but this coming week was purely about relaxing in one another’s company and spending quality time doing nothing- it didn’t matter what we did, it only mattered that we were here together. 

I hold out my hand, admiring my rings in the sunshine. “I think I’m still dreaming.”

Andrew chuckles, nodding in agreement. “Me too. I can’t feckin’ believe it.”

“I think college us wouldn’t believe it either,” I laugh, pressing a kiss to the side of his arm. “Hell, me a year ago wouldn’t believe it.”

“Christ, I know,” he chuckles. “You weren’t even talkin’ to me.” 

I blush, biting my lip. “To be fair, you were still the devil, in my story.” 

“No, that’s fair,” his laughter subsides and he turns to me, wrapping his arms around me. “Though you’ve always been the angel in mine.” He says as he kisses me deeply. 

I humour him for a moment, losing myself in his mouth before eventually pulling away. “You’re a liar. You found me just as frustrating.” 

He laughs. “I mean, I think at some point I knew the fight was worth it. No matter how many daggers you threw my way.”

“They weren’t…daggers…”

“No, just shards of your heart.” 

“Okay, okay. Well, anyway, good on you for persevering. Because now we’re married and we’re in heaven.”

Andrew sighs and looks back out over the balcony. “It really is amazing, huh?”

I press a kiss to his chest and look up to him, but he’s far too busy taking in a view we’ve only ever dreamed of. 

If only he knew. 

I sip my tea and look out onto the yard, watching Andrew on his knees in front of the flower bed. He was planting a potted plant his mother had brought over last weekend that he’d been putting off for days and had only just gotten around to sorting out. The weather was warm enough to spend some time in the yard in his yard jeans , while I watched on with tea and one of the books I’d picked up on our latest trip to the bookstore. It was a relaxing Saturday morning, and I could feel my bones sinking into the wicker armchair beneath me as I decompressed. 

I’d had a terrible sleep, kept up by the noise in my head that wouldn’t let me rest. Apparently I’d kicked and stirred in my sleep all night, waking up Andrew more than once. I blamed it on a bad dream I couldn’t remember, but my anxiety had been wavering since the moment I’d been awake, so he settled me on the patio with a warm beverage while he worked on the garden. 

It was almost working. 

“Are you going to help me out here?”

I look up from my book, to see Andrew squinting in the morning sunshine, his head tilted to the side, his hair in a loose messy bun. Well, half braid, half bun. I’d given him a head massage this morning as he laid between my legs, and before I knew it, I was winding his hair into the universal hairstyle of girlhood. My mother had been doing them to my hair since I was four, and every girl best friend I’d ever had after that had continued it. 

It looked cute on him. 

His striped t-shirt was just long enough to meet the low lung waistband of his ‘garden jeans’; a pair of light wash, dirty blue baggy jeans that made him look like he sang more grunge than he did folk music. 

I shake my head, a small smile tugging on my lips. “No.”

“Typical.”

I throw him a pout. “My head hurts.”

He mirrors my expression as he walks across the yard, shovel in one hand and garden gloves in the other. It was rare I saw him like this, tending to the house. But the last couple months he’d been putting aside more and more time to fix up all the little projects he’d neglected. His mother had called it ‘nesting’ when I’d spoken to her on the phone last week, saying he was likely trying to get things in order so that by the time we both lived here full time, it would be perfect. I thought that was sweet and she laughed, telling me not to tell him she’d said that. 

Andrew stops in front of me, leaning down to kiss my forehead gently. “Better?”

I wish it was that easy.

“Why don’t you go in, and I’ll make breakfast?” He offers softly. 

My eyes flicker over his shoulder, out into the yard where he had potted the plant. “What about- “

“I’ve finished.”

I raise a brow at him. “So why’d you ask for help?”

“I just want to roll around in the grass with ye.” 

“You get so hot for me when you’ve been working outside like a real man.”

“I’d fight you on that, but…”

“It’s okay, I think it’s nice that you’re living out a fantasy just for me.” 

Andrew lets out a loud laugh as he straightens. “Alright. Let me wash my hands and I’ll make you food.”

I reach up and grab his shirt, stopping him. “Don’t worry about me. I’m fine with a tea.”

“No, you need to eat something.” He frowns. 

“Andy, I’ve only been awake for an hour.” I say, exaggerating only a little. 

He hesitates, stubbornly, until I reach out my foot to his thigh, rubbing him gently to persuade him. “You should eat…”

“I only really feel like a banana. But I’ll watch you eat and praise you on all your hard work.” I smile sweetly at him. 

“You’re a brat. Will you come inside, at least?” He asks, caving like he always does. 

I bite my lip as I look up sheepishly from my book. He laughs and rolls his eyes, leaning down to kiss me tenderly before he heads inside. I watch him over my shoulder, taking in his form. I loved him something deep on a Saturday morning, though I couldn’t quite work out what it was about the morning hours that made me so soft. Either way, I found myself contemplating the idea of leaving my career and independence behind and becoming utterly, and devotinally his.  

But I would probably get hate for that, too. 

Turning back to my book, I try to focus for a couple pages until the itch overcomes me. Guiltily, I pull my phone from my pocket and I unlock it, my previous session staring back at me. I’d posted a photo dump yesterday of a couple upcoming shoots, some behind the scenes snapshots from the studio, and a selfie with Julien in front of our big, decadent studio mirror -we’d placed it strategically to capture the best natural lighting, it was now a hotspot for any models we shot to snap some between shoot selfies- in some of our favourite looks from the shoot with The Irish Times. I thought it was reasonably harmless, but almost immediately there had been a comment thread below it that was clearly about the picture with Julien. 

@tay5285: a not-so-secret secret affair 

@juliasmulia: lol fr

@seasonofthebees: I think you guys are mistaken ☺️

@tay5285: I think you are delusional haha

@giftinglifetoyeagain: cosy cosy, like how me and my bf are 👀

@juliasmulia: no literally - sooo weird lol 

@giftinglifetoyeagain: maybe it’s an open marriage

I zoom in on the photo. I didn’t think it was weird - part of me wonders if I had taken this photo with Zara, would it have had the same response. Of course not. It’s because you’re a married woman and he’s a man. It’s because of who you’re married to. 

I swipe the comments across, deleting them and blocking the users. I didn’t care if it caused more trouble- at this point, I just wanted them gone. 

Sliding down into my seat, I let out a breath in defeat. My online presence no longer felt like my own, and that was difficult to grasp in this day and age, especially when I used my social media for work purposes. It was also how I connected with friends and my social circle. But now I felt hesitant every time I liked a photo, left a comment and followed somebody- not to mention Andrew. Would it always be this exhausting? I was tired of watching my back online, and I feared the day that translated into the real world. 

After a failed attempt at turning back into my book, I finish my tea in one large gulp and head inside. Andrew is in the kitchen, brewing a fresh pot of coffee while strips of bacon sizzle in the pan. I loved his weekend breakfasts, though this morning my anxiety had woken me up with a stomach unable to process anything beyond tea and a banana. My mood was flat and I didn’t feel like eating anything. A banana however, was sustenance. At least, I think it was. 

I place my mug in the sink and turn, pausing when I see a large frame resting against the kitchen counter, the edges covered in protective plastic wrap. 

“What’s that?” I hum curiously. 

Andrew jumps, having not heard me enter the room. “Fuck- what, that? It’s a plaque.”

I raise a brow and walk over to it, identifying the gold disc in the middle of the frame and my husband’s teeth above it. There had been a flower crafted above where the flower usually sits on his album cover, which I thought was a sweet touch. 

“What’s it for?” I ask nosily as I start to pull off the plastic. 

“Ehm, some record of sales. I haven’t looked yet. It’s from the label. I need to send them a photo with it so they can put it on their social media.” Andrew hums as he glances over his shoulder. 

My eyes widen as I read the number. “That’s a big number, Andy.”

Stepping away from the coffee machine, Andrew sips his steaming hot coffee and comes up behind me to peer down at the plaque. “Christ.”

I look up at him. “Congrats, baby.”

He gives me a small, humble smile and leans down to kiss me. “Thanks, darlin’.”

“I’m proud of you.”

“Ack, it’s the fans that buy the music, I just make it- “

“Shh. We celebrate achievements in this house.”

A hand snakes around my waist, pulling me gently into him. “This house?” He murmurs into my lips. 

I nod, kissing him tenderly. 

“Our house.”

A 

It was absolute bliss here. While I would definitely be returning to the homeland with a sunburn to some degree, it was worth it if it meant feeling this relaxed for the first time in a long time. 

Lidia and I had been in Spain for two days and already I was imagining what it might look like to vacation here in our sixties and seventies- I could picture us retiring here, spending our days shrivelling up into raisins beside one another every summer as we tried to escape the harsh Irish winters. Maybe we’d travel here with our children, every year as part of our family tradition. We could make those now, because we were a family. 

I couldn’t wait to retire into my old age with her. 

Lidia lays peacefully beside me on the beach. We were partly covered by a large beach umbrella, but she made the most of the sun, sunbathing on her stomach. She’d made me apply a special sunscreen to her bare back to protect her tattoo. It took everything I had not to replace the cream with my lips as I ran my hands up and down her topless torso. 

I still couldn’t believe how much time I had off this year. Bar a few work commitments, I had majority of the next couple months to spend doing nothing but living blissfully with my wife. While I was in a little disbelief about it all, it also felt absolutely right for us to be right here, lying beside one another in our marital euphoria. I’d been quite reflective the last couple weeks, often transported back to the moment she had come back into my life. The shows. The sleepovers between hotel rooms. The moment I got her in the studio, it’s like my heart knew. This woman was mine. I was hers. This was right. 

I turn the page in my book as Lidia turns onto her back beside me. My eyes widen as she rolls over, making no moves to grab her bikini top from beside her on her towel. She settles, closing her eyes and bringing her left leg up, exposing her bare chest to the beach full of beachgoers. I sit up suddenly, dropping my book into my lap. 

“Dia, you’re- you- “

“What?” She yawns, opening one eye, utterly relaxed. 

“Your top.” I blush, reaching for it and handing it to her. 

A small smile tugs at her lips. “Half the women here are topless, Andy.”

I pause and look around. I hadn’t noticed, but she was in fact, right. Most of the women here were also sunbathing in a similar state to Lidia. Though most of them were older women, so I hadn’t bothered to take any notice- not that I would have if they were our age, but- well, I just hadn’t noticed. I was on my honeymoon with my wife, I had no reason to notice. 

I grip her top tightly in my hand as I look back at her, her perky, supple breasts rising and falling with every breath. I could practically feel them in my hands, my fingers tingling as they imagined the firmness of her nipples. 

“I…”

Lidia raises a brow. “Does it bother you?”

I bite my lip. I mean, yeah, it kind of did. She was…mine. 

She chuckles and holds out her hand. “Give it to me.”

“You don’t have to- it’s your body- “

Lidia sits up and tugs the top from my hand. “If it bothers my husband, I’ll put my top on. I don’t care.”

“I just- “

“Am a protective lover.” 

“Protective. Not controlling.”

She nods in agreement, and I know she’s mocking me slightly as she agrees with me. “Yes, protective, darling. Not controlling.” Lidia smiles softly as she fixes the clasp between her breasts. Now they were sitting even higher, the sun shining off of them and begging to be touched. Christ. Maybe that was worse. I flicker my eyes upward to meet hers. She leans in and kisses me softly. 

“Thanks for looking out for me.”