Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Till is stressed out.

The exam season is approaching and he is falling behind. It's not like he is stupid or anything like that, it's just that... There are more important things for Till to focus on.

You see, Till enjoys creating more than anything. He can draw, play guitar, write poetry... He admits that only in those moments when he is consumed by his craft that he truly feels alive.

However, his parents never really cared for it. They always believed that art would never get you far, so they forced Till to go to college and study something more promising. That's how he ended up in a law school against his will.

But despite being in his third year, he still can’t find it in himself to care. Till always managed to score a little bit above passing grade and handed every important paper minutes before deadline without ever missing it. At first, his parents complained, but they quickly figured that it was pointless and Till would only threaten them with dropping out.

So how exactly did he end up here? Stuck with several projects with deadlines approaching a little bit too fast for Till’s liking and having no time to revise for his exam in a few days. It’s definitely not because of the fact that he was trying to finish a really important song for his friends.

As he was getting started on his third case-study in two days, Till got a message. It was from Mizi – his childhood friend.

[mizi] hey! haven’t heard from u in a while, u good?

He knew that if he answers now, it’ll take him a long while to get back to studying, but Till was so done with all of the imaginary cases, stupid arguments of both plaintiffs and defendants that his head hurt. So, he closed his laptop and put it aside.

[till] hi mizi! it’s been a while. tbh i’m beat

[mizi] because of uni? i told u not to procrastinate

[till] yeah yeah I know. so what’s up?

[mizi] we are having a concert at our place this friday, wanted to ask u if u could come

[mizi] but i guess mr. procrastinator will have to sit this one out :(

Till wanted to reject the invitation and apologize, but then he realized that it’s been way too long since he has gone out to unwind. First, he locked in to write this song that he wanted to finish. Then deadlines piled up and he had to focus on studying. So, it would actually be a good opportunity for him to rest for a bit before exams start. After all, he could always leave early and drink soda instead of any alcohol. It’s also been a while since he saw Mizi, so…

Wait, maybe the last part is better off this way. Although it’s been years since Mizi came out and introduced him to her girlfriend, Sua, sometimes Till still felt… jealous? After all, Mizi was his first ever crush. Till never confessed his feelings to her because he was too scared to ruin this bond that they had. Despite trying real hard, he still hasn’t fully move on.

Trying to shake these annoying thoughts away, Till decided to accept the invitation.

[till] no, i promised to never miss any of your shows

[till] it’s also been a while since i’ve had fun

[till] so i’ll be there

Seeing that Mizi was not responding right away, he took it as a sign of her being busy and went back to studying. Till tried real hard to concentrate on violation of civil rights case that professor wanted them to discuss but it was way too boring for him. He didn’t even realize how he began doodling in his notebook when his phone lit up with a notification.

[mizi] u sure?

[till] yeah, why not

[mizi] ok! then see u soon till!

[till] see ya

Till put his phone away. He couldn’t wait until he would also be able to work in the bar Mizi and Sua performed at. His parents will probably try to force him to get into some law company, but Till has decided long ago that he wanted to pursue music. He could start small by playing guitar for his friends’ performances and then earn himself a chance to try out solo work, but he is definitely not willing to spend his days being stuck in a gloomy office sorting endless documents on shit he could never bring himself to care about.

It was getting late and Till decided to stop for today. After all, he knew that this professor liked him enough to mark his paper with a passing grade, so Till decided not to go overboard. He was already getting ready to go to sleep when he suddenly started getting dizzy. Till sat on his bed, trying to sit still while holding onto a nightstand, but the feeling was only getting stronger. He closed his eyes and all of a sudden, he saw a field of red flowers and a clear blue sky. It was only a moment, but it felt so real. His head hurt and he felt like he was about to fall, but as this feeling suddenly consumed Till, it also abruptly stopped. He remembered the field he saw, but the dizziness went away. He tried to calm himself down as he started to freak out over the unexpected health scare, turned off the lights and went to lay down. Till took his phone from the nightstand and opened his notes to write down what he has seen before dozing off.

/a giant field with countless red flowers which name i don’t know, a clear blue sky with no clouds in sight/

***

Time passes quickly when you have a lot of deadlines. Till didn’t even notice how it was already Friday as he spent last few days finishing his projects. He also had to start revising for his Business Law course as there was way too much catching up to do.

Now it was already 5 PM, so Till should be leaving in an hour if he wants to make it on time. The club where Mizi and Sua performed was on the other end of the city, so he had to make sure he has enough time. But before he started getting ready, Till felt this strange dizziness from a couple of days ago again. There was no vision this time, but the feeling was even stronger than before. Till had to close his eyes and steady his breath to regain his composure.

It also lasted way longer than the first time. Till often had headaches, but this felt way stronger than any regular one. He tried opening his eyes when he heard his phone buzz with a notification. It was Mizi messaging him.

[mizi] hi till! u coming?

[till] hey mizi!

[till] of course

[mizi] yay! can’t wait to see u

Till had to quickly gather everything he needed and got dressed. He decided for a casual look and threw on a simple white shirt and a pair of skinny jeans. He put on his shoes and almost tripped over his own backpack. Looking at his phone, Till checked what time it was. It was 6 PM already, so he had to rush in order to get on the bus which would take him to the other end of the city. He was trying to close the door when he noticed someone standing in front of the elevator. It was a tall man with black hair, dressed in all black. Till never saw anyone like him, so, he figured, it must be a new neighbor of his.

Suddenly Till felt another wave of dizziness. His eyes stung and Till felt his temples pulsing, so he had to hold onto a wall. When his eyes stopped hurting, he opened them to see that the man was gone. He hurriedly checked everything and although his head still hurt a bit he had to run to the bus station.

Luckily, the bus came exactly on time, just as Till hoped for, and he could finally relax a bit. He took out his phone to write down what he had experienced today.

/felt this weird dizziness twice today, but no visions. creepy and weird/

While he was at it, Till tried to google what could this pain mean, but nothing came up. There were endless articles on what can be the cause of such pain, but most of them concluded that this type of headaches are a result of overall exhaustion. He figured that it must be connected to his insomnia and constant stress and decided to not give much more thought to it.

When Till made it to the bar where Mizi and Sua would be performing, it was already 7 PM. He ran inside and was greeted by Hyuna, the boss and THE main performer of the bar. She was seating in front of the bar counter with Luka, her boyfriend and co-founder of this place.

‘Hi Till!’ Hyuna greeted him with a big smile. Luka waved at him quietly and returned to his drink, seemingly lost in his thoughts as usual.

At first, Till didn’t understand how these two could even be together. Hyuna was loud and bossy, Luka was quiet and shy, but this might be the reason it actually worked out for them. They actually seemed to balance each other’s weaknesses and strengths. Hyuna could never be bothered with all of the financial burdens of owning a business as she only cared about music, but Luka was there to figure all of the technical difficulties for her.

Sometimes Till couldn’t help but feel envious. He knew that these two were childhood friends, just like Mizi and him, but their situations were different. He respected Mizi’s sexuality and would never dare to interfere, but it still hurt his pride a lot that out of his friend group he was the only one who was single.

‘Hi, Hyuna, Luka! It’s been a while since I’ve seen you two. How are you doing?’ Till plopped himself on a chair next to Hyuna and gave her a small hug. He ordered a bottle from the bar and turned back to look at his friends.

‘We’re good. It couldn’t be any different in ‘Anakt’, you know. Luka has been working on getting us moved to a bigger location in downtown, so he is more tired than usual, so don’t mind him.’ Hyuna grinned at Till while holding onto a cup of what seemed to be soju. ‘Mizi told me you’ve been real busy, but I’m glad you came today. We have some news.’

Luka worriedly glanced at his girlfriend and put a hand on her shoulder.

‘Don’t spoil it!’ He said unexpectedly energetically.

‘Right, my bad. You’ll see it for yourself soon, Till.’ Hyuna sheepishly smiled, looking around herself and noticing how many people came up for the show. ‘Anyway, I have to go now! I’ll catch you both after my performance.’

Hyuna quickly ran towards the dressing rooms while Luka and Till sat at the bar and chatted for a little bit. When it was time for the show to start, Luka left him at the bar as he still had some things to check on.

Till slowly drank his cola and patiently waited for the performance to start. He looked at the stage and wondered if one day he could stand on it too.

When the lights came out, Hyuna appeared on the stage.

‘Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to today’s show!’ Hyuna was wearing a simple black shirt and baggy jeans, smiling from ear to ear. ‘It’s a special one as we are… Introducing a new member to our team! But without further ado, I want to invite our new performer on this stage. Give it all to Ivan, our dear friend and Anakt’s new performer!’

Till curiously looked at the stage. It was the first time Anakt’s crew gained a new member, so, Till figured, this guy must be crazy good for Hyuna and Luka to make this decision. The lights went out and turned on when the guy started singing.

And then Till felt this pain again. He was trying to keep his eyes on the tall black-haired man on stage, but the dizziness made him close his eyes.

There was another vision. All of a sudden, it was as if he was standing on a gigantic stage. It was all blurry, but he could feel the rain as if it was raining inside the bar. Till forced himself to open his eyes and look at the man on stage again.

The dizziness seemed to back down, but his eyes started stinging. Till averted his gaze from the stage and decided to simply listen while finishing his cola. This new guy whose face he couldn’t yet remember seemed familiar, but Till was sure it was his first time seeing him. His voice was really strong and he sang with an emotion Till has never encountered before, so he was, to say the least, impressed.

Ivan's performance was short. He gave a little speech after he finished singing. Till's head still hurt, but he decided to look again. Ivan was wearing all black, a match to his jet-black hair. Till didn't listen to what he was saying as he was busy studying the features of the guy. He was sitting not that far from the stage, so he could see everything clearly. Till didn’t even know why he was looking so intently, but he did. He just couldn’t brush off the feeling of his weird familiarity.

Ivan left the stage and now it was Mizi and Sua’s turn to perform. Till watched the girls sing as they rocked the stage with their duets. The last song they performed was the one Till wrote for them. He had to hope no one saw his stupid big smile as he listened to the girls performing with his song.

Time also flies when you are entertained. When Hyuna and Luka finished their performance Till was surprised to realise that it’s already been two hours. The plan was to leave earlier today, but he still had to go greet Mizi and Sua behind the scenes.

Till made his way backstage and found his friends sitting in the lounge. Hyuna was hanging on Mizi, who was politely smiling at her. Next to them were Sua and Luka, who looked like he was about to pass out.

‘Til!!’ Hyuna scream when he noticed him and rushed up to him, pulling him to sit on the couch. ‘Did you like the show?’

‘Oh course, it was top-tier, just as usual! But I wish I was able to perform with you guys too.’ Till didn’t want to ruin the fun by his whining, but his mouth always worked faster than his brain, so he let it slip.

‘You know you’re always more than welcome to join!’ Mizi chimed in, looking at him with her big eyes. ‘Maybe if you learned to do at least half of your projects in advance you would’ve been able to join us a long time ago.’

Mizi always teased him, just like in their childhood days. Till wanted to protest, but he was cut off by Hyuna.

‘Don’t make Till overwork himself even more, Mizi.’ Hyuna hugged him and decided to change the subject. ‘Anyway, remember what I wanted to tell you before the show? We have a new member with us.’

Hyuna called out for Ivan and Till could swear this guy appeared out of thin air. It was as if he blinked and Ivan already stood in front of them.

Their eyes met and Till noticed… horror in Ivan’s eyes.

‘Um, hi.’ Till greeted him awkwardly and got up to shake Ivan’s hand. Ivan visibly shook his head and pretended to greet Till normally with a big smile.

‘Hello, you must be Till. I’m Ivan, nice to meet you.’ Ivan shook Till’s hand and the latter could swear his hand started burning.

Till didn’t know what was this guy’s problem, but he sure seemed really weird.

Chapter Text

Till didn’t expect Ivan to be his new neighbor.

Apparently, Ivan moved to their city a couple of weeks ago, so it’s not surprising Till hasn’t had a chance to run into him, given how busy he was these past few weeks. But now he was constantly running into him and it was starting to get on Till’s nerves.

Ivan was really weird. Till initially thought his first impression was wrong and it was just the awkwardness of the moment. Unfortunately, it was the truth. The black-haired man always looked at Till as if he had seen a ghost and it always took him a good while to regain his composure. Ivan was always pretending to be in a rush in order to avoid Till and the latter would lie if he said it didn’t hurt his feelings.

But you know what also hurt? His poor head!

The exams were finally over, so Till was free of stress for a while, but the dizziness which he initially attributed to exhaustion didn’t go away. It was only getting worse. Till experienced this weird dizziness almost every day now. Sometimes it happened twice a day.

He also saw visions.

Sometimes they were clear, sometimes they were nothing but a blur. Sometimes it was a big field with red flowers, sometimes he felt as if he was bound by something, sometimes Till saw figures next to him, running and laughing.

Till tried googling about this phenomenon again, but to no avail. The Internet didn’t know anything about these weird visions, so he tried to ignore them as much as he could.

‘Are you OK?’ Mizi asked him when they were sitting in a café on a Sunday morning. ‘You seem more spaced out than usual.’

They used to go out like this way more often, but now that Mizi had Sua their tradition of meeting every Sunday was fading away. Till tried to focus because he knew how rare these meetings were now, but he couldn’t help it.

‘There is something that has been bothering me for a while.’ Till admitted, not willing to look up at his friend.

‘Is it Ivan-related?’ Mizi assumed and Till gave her the weirdest stare she has ever seen.

‘What? No! I couldn’t care less about this weirdo.’ Till didn’t want to be mean, but it was hard as Ivan never acted this weird with any of their friends. Till figured this dude didn’t like him for some reason.

‘Don’t call him that… There’s more to him than meets the eye.’ Mizi warned, sipping her matcha latte.

‘Yeah, yeah, whatever…’ Till sighed and tried to change the subject, forgetting his initial wish to vent about his headaches.

***

It was Friday. Till was getting ready to head out to the bar when he realized there was a project for the elective he took for extra credits. He hated cancelling last minute, but it was either that or risking having another fight with his parents, so the choice was pretty obvious.

Mizi and Sua won’t be performing today, so Till didn’t feel as bad as he could, but he still messaged Hyuna to let her know.

[till] hi hyuna! i’m sorry, i won’t be able to come today

[hyuna] tilly! it’s fine, don’t worry

[hyuna] although a certain someone will definitely be sulking

Till didn’t understand the implication, but he decided not to ask.

[till] sorry again, have a good night

He tossed his phone onto the bed and tried to focus on his task. It wasn’t that hard – he had to write a review on a book. The only problem was… he hasn’t even started reading it. Till had a vague idea of what it was about, but he still wanted to read as much as possible.

He opened an illegally downloaded PDF and began reading. The setting was weird – it was a post-apocalyptic world where aliens took over humans and made them their pets. Till wasn’t a fan of stuff like that and by the end of chapter 3 he wanted to close the file and never open it again.

Till decided to stop at that and read some reviews online to then write his own. He didn’t understand why professor wanted students to read this – the writing was not that good and idea was corny in Till’s opinion.

‘And this shit is the reason I couldn’t go to the bar today…’ Till thought to himself while quickly writing a review just to meet the expected word count.

***

Till usually had his phone on ‘Do not Disturb’, so he was not surprised he missed some messages from his friends. Their groupchat was practically forgotten, but sometimes it became way too active for Till’s liking.

He noticed that they added Ivan to the chat. Till couldn’t help but sighed – he really didn’t want this guy to become a part of their friend group. Mizi would’ve probably scolded him for this way of thinking, but Till was really bad with new people. He knew that he had trust issues because of his parents and didn’t want to change anything about it. After all, having a small circle was always enough for an introvert like him.

He took a look at the messages in the chat.

[hyuna] guys!!!!!!!!!!!!!! we have good news!!!!!!!!!!!!

[luka] we managed to get a bigger place!

[mizi] THIS IS FANTASTIC!!!

[sua] congrats

[ivan] great news!

[hyuna] we want to throw a big party, so we’ll need all of you guys for that

[hyuna] till, if you are not too busy with uni, maybe you could join us for this show?

Till’s eyes widened when he saw Hyuna’s message. It was his dream to perform at Anakt and become a regular member of the team, but he never imagined his first ever performance to be in a bigger place and with such a responsibility.

He quickly typed a reply.

[till] congrats guys!

[till] but are u sure u want me to perform too?

[hyuna] what kind of question is this?

[hyuna] you might be the most talented out of us, till

[luka] if you weren’t so busy with uni, we would’ve suggested that a long time ago

[luka] it’s just that we know you’ll overwork yourself to death if we invite you as a fixed performer

[hyuna] but maybe… for now… just this once…

Till didn’t plan on crying at the cafeteria today, but he sure was close to bursting into tears. He couldn’t believe they thought so high of him. Till quickly typed that he was extremely grateful and promised to do his best.

For the rest of the day Till was all smiley and happy. Other students were giving him weird looks, but Till couldn’t care less. His small dream is about to come true; how can he even try to be calm about this?

***

The show was in 5 days, so everyone decided to gather and practice. Others would never admit it, but they were mostly curious on what type of song Till wrote for the performance.

All of his friends knew that he was extremely unwilling to show them any of his lyrics or music before he thought he perfected it, so they were really excited to see what he came up with.

Till himself though… He was scared. His parents never allowed him to engage in any school performances, dubbing it as a ‘waste of time’, so Till practically had no experience on stage. He knew his music was good, but was it good enough to divert the attention from the fact that his hands were shaking?

Hyuna and Luka rented a studio so all of them could take their time with practice. They themselves were working on solo performances this time, so Hyuna went first and sang her song flawlessly. Till could only cringe inside when he watched Luka stare weirdly at her.

Mizi and Sua went next. They wanted to try out solo stuff too, so both of them worked on composing songs for each other. Till didn’t want to admit that, but these girls understood each other like no other, so both songs were perfect fits.

‘Till, do you want to go next?’ Hyuna asked him when they sat on a couch, watching Mizi sing.

‘What about Ivan?’ Till asked, hinting that he’d like to be the last one.

‘He went out to grab us drinks, remember? So it’s either you or Luka, who is…’ Hyuna glanced at her boyfriend who fell asleep on her shoulder.

‘Is he overworking himself again?’ Till asked, starting to get nervous about singing in front of his friends.

‘No, it’s… You don’t want to know.’ Hyuna grinned at him and tried to settle Luka comfortably on the couch so he could rest a bit.

Till just sighed again.

Mizi finished practicing her song. Sua said that it was perfect, but Hyuna and Till decided to give some suggestions which resulted in Sua giving them weird stares. Till visibly shivered and Hyuna laughed it off.

Till got up and went to pick up his guitar. His friends said that one song would be enough for his first performance, but he still felt like it was not enough.

Right when he was about to start playing, Ivan entered the room. Their eyes met for a moment and Till felt the already way too familiar dizziness washing over him. He averted his gaze and tried to steady himself on a chair, pretending to be fixing his guitar for a moment. He heard Ivan talking to others and giving them their drinks.

The dizziness went away as fast as it came, but he still couldn’t focus. Till looked at his friends who were giving him encouraging looks. Ivan was the only one not looking as he stared at his phone and sipped on his drink.

Mizi looked at Till worriedly, placing her drink aside on the table and coming up to him, but Till signalized that he was fine, so she went back to sit by the table to watch him.

Till started singing. He went on with an energetic beat and sang his heart out, pouring all of the emotions into it. Only when the song was over Till realized that all of the anxiety was long gone. He widely grinned at his friends who looked at him in awe.

Everyone, except for Ivan.

Till was ready to beat this dude up.

‘Till, this was amazing! You better be graduating faster, I can’t wait any longer for you to join us permanently!’ Hyuna exclaimed excitedly and went up to him to give Till a hug.

Till hugged her back, putting his guitar aside.

Next it was Luka’s turn. Till thought to himself that this guy didn’t even need any practice – he always sang perfectly. Plus, he could feel Hyuna shooting heart eyes at him, what had him cringing once again for the evening.

Ivan went last. Till decided to give him the taste of his own medicine by deliberately ignoring him. But the moment he took out his phone out of the pocket, Till felt dizzy again. This time he couldn’t hide it as his eyes also started stinging. There was a vision – a sky full of stars shined above his head and someone in front of him ran forward, holding his hand. Till forced his eyes to open and saw everyone looking at him with worry again.

Everyone, except for Ivan.

‘Till, are you OK?’ Mizi sat on his right and asked, touching his forehead. ‘No fever, that’s good. Did you sleep today?’

Till simply nodded, trying to shake off the weird feeling that this vision brought him.

Chapter Text

The day of the performance finally came. Anakt’s grand opening in a new venue in downtown was highly advertised, so the place was packed with people. Their bartenders were working extra hard today and so did Luka. Till watched him with pity as the blonde man ran around and checked if everything was OK.

Till went to his dressing room to lie on the couch. Hyuna insisted he took a dressing room for this special occasion, even though he initially wanted to turn down the offer as it seemed to be too much. But now he was glad to be alone because he didn’t think he could handle all of the noise around.

The anxiety was eating him alive. Until yesterday Till felt confident and didn’t even worry about anything, but the moment he woke up today he felt really scared. Despite practicing every day after classes and constantly revising lyrics, he still felt like he didn’t do enough. The song suddenly felt lackluster, lyrics not up to his standard and melody being boring. What if the crowd hates him? Till worried that Hyuna and Luka will be disappointed and won’t hire him later.

Visions also seemed to haunt him today more than usual. Till had already gotten used to them by now, seeing one or two every day. Most of them were really blurry, visiting for just a moment, accompanied by the weird dizziness that washed away as quickly as it hit him in the first place.

But today something was off. He kept seeing a big floating stage every time he closed his eyes and a sound of rain rang in his ears, which made his head hurt. It was overwhelming – Till now had to worry not only about his song being ass, but also about being able to perform with constant distractions.

He was trying to shake off the vision by closing his eyes shut and trying to think of anything else when he heard knocking on the door. Till open the door to see Mizi and Sua, checking on him. Or, rather, it was Mizi who cared and Sua who just had to tag along.

‘Hi Till! Are you ready?’ Mizi invited herself in his dressing room and plopped onto the sofa. Sua followed her closely, sitting near and putting her head on her girlfriend’ shoulder.

Till closed the door, feeling frustrated, Perhaps, this was the second time in all of his life when he didn’t feel happy about seeing Mizi. She was wearing a pretty black dress and her smile was even brighter than most of the time. Till wasn’t sure he could handle her energy right now.

Sua wore a short white dress which contrasted nicely with her girlfriend’s dress. She was watching Till intently, showing with her expression that she noticed something was off.

‘To be honest, no. I’m not feeling well.’ Till answered briefly, sitting on the other side of the sofa.

‘Oh no!’ Mizi exclaimed too loudly for Till’s aching head. ‘Do you need a painkiller? I have some in my purse, I can go grab it.’

Till shook his head. He knew they would be no use as he has already tried that.

‘It’s fine, I’ll handle it. Don’t worry’. Till said, not being so sure of it himself.

They talked a bit, discussing the new venue and music. Till tried really hard to keep up with the conversation, but Mizi and Sua often got lost in their own world, so this time Till, as usual, just pretended to follow the conversation. His headache got slightly better, so that was a plus.

Girls left him a few minutes before the show was set to start. Till wanted to go through his lyrics once more, so he took out his phone to only see their groupchat blowing up with messages.

[hyuna] guys we have a problem

[hyuna] we need to change the order of performances

[mizi] omg why????

[ivan] i’m so sorry, it’s my fault… i missed the bus and had to take a longer route

Till frowned at the last message, annoyed with Ivan. This guy was something – he always managed to make Till mad with his actions. Before it was only between them as Ivan kept avoiding Till like the plague, but now this weirdo was a threat to the grand show. The boy really wished he could type something spiteful, but then Till thought of Mizi scolding him once more and decided against it.

[till] you were supposed to go before me, right?

[till] we can switch

[ivan] yeah, it would be a great help!

[ivan] thanks, till

[hyuna] omg till thank you so much!!!

[hyuna] and ivan, don’t beat yourself too much over it

[hyuna] things happen

Till sighed. If he was at Hyuna’s place, he would’ve been fuming. Although he suggested switching with Ivan, this change of schedule meant that he had less time to prepare himself mentally. His headache got a bit better, but he still couldn’t stop feeling anxious. After all, it was his first performance and it was quite a big place to start at. Will he be able to do it?

He was lost in his thought when he heard Luka calling him to go get ready behind the scenes. Hyuna was wrapping up with her performance and Till had to tune his guitar, so he had to act quick. He grabbed the instrument and ran out of the room, following Luka to the stage.

The closer they got to it, the louder the screams became. Everyone was cheering, crowd loving Hyuna’s new solo. Till tried really hard to ignore the gnawing feeling of worry which only got stronger with every passing second.

Luka showed him where to sit and where to plug in his guitar and quickly ran away, having to check on other things. Sometimes Till couldn’t help but wonder how the blond-haired man managed to handle all of the technicalities and also perform flawlessly at the end of every show.

‘You guys are something!’ Till heard Hyuna scream at the end of her performance. ‘Thanks for coming today! Your support means a lot to our team.’

Till finished his set up, sitting in the darkness and listening to Hyuna’s ment. He felt himself loosen up a bit, getting in the mood of the set. He had plenty of other time to wallow over visions and headaches, but this was one of a lifetime opportunity, so Till will make sure to deliver his best performance.

‘Now it’s time to greet a special guest!’ The crowd kept on cheering as Hyuna continued her speech. ‘This guy can’t join us permanently yet, but we managed to get him for this special occasion. He is crazy good, and by that I mean real-crazy good! So, give it all for Anakt’s team’s great friend, Till!’

The lights above Till suddenly turned on, drawing crowd’s attention to him. Till was standing in the center, his hair laid back and posture confident. He started with a guitar solo, building up the pace. The moment he sang first line Till couldn’t help but got startled a bit because of someone’s sudden screaming. However, he quickly regained his composure and started singing his heart out.

This song was… his, to put it simply. Till often wrote for others and he was used to thinking about complex concepts while coming up with right rhymes, but this song was strictly about him. He decided to write about his artistic journey, which was filled with both constant struggles and joy. This song was supposed to capture the feeling of a closed-off artist who wasn’t allowed much needed freedom to express himself.

He couldn’t believe all of this was real. This was the moment he dreamt about for years. Standing on the stage, singing his song and enjoying the crowd’s attention on him. But no amount of daydreaming could compare to the real thing – the audience seemed to love Till’s performance.

Till sang as if it was his last chance to perform and the crowd must have felt his passion. When he finished singing, people cheered for him, demanding more.

‘Hi, guys!’ Till greeted the crowd, smiling widely and hugging his guitar. ‘You guys have no idea how happy I am to be here! I’m Till, a guy who hopes to become a part of the team one day.’

Till heard footsteps and soon felt someone clinging onto him.

‘That’s right!’ It was, of course, Hyuna, who had to join him as the main performer. ‘You guys agree that our Till is incredible?’

The crowd screamed again, someone yelling out ‘Till, marry me!’ from the back. Till looked down, getting a bit embarrassed, his cheeks getting visibly red.

‘If you don’t want to miss this guy’s next performance, I think you guys might have to stick around.’ Hyuna grinned widely, her smile contagious.

Till had to leave the stage, waving goodbye to the crowd. He kept looking at them until the last moment, almost bumping into someone behind the stage.

This someone, of course, being Ivan.

It was quite dark, so Till couldn’t really see anything clearly, but he noticed Ivan’s gaze which stood out even in this really dim lighting. It was the first time he saw the dark-haired guy up close, so he never realized how weird his eyes were. They were really dark, with red adorning his pupils. His eyes were weird – just like Ivan himself.

Till felt himself get dizzy again, having to focus on Ivan even harder.

‘Hi, thanks for helping me out.’ Ivan spoke, avoiding Till’s attentive gaze and looking at the floor.

‘You know you could’ve asked me how to get to downtown?’ Till couldn’t help but huff. ‘Isn’t it obvious that you can’t make it on time if you don’t know how public transport works in this city? No app can help with it.’

It was weird. They never talked, Ivan kept running away from Till, not allowing anything besides exchange of greetings. Yet, Till felt this urge to scold the guy, to get his attention, to make Ivan look at him.

And Ivan did look. With his weird eyes, he looked at him with a really weird expression which Till couldn’t understand.

‘It’s OK, now I get it. Thank you for offering your help, though.’ Ivan said pretty calmly, focusing on Hyuna’s voice. She was wrapping up her ment, so it was time for Ivan to take his place on the stage.

Till didn’t like the answer. Once again, Ivan proved himself to be an annoying dick who pretends that everything is fine. He was about to curse him out, almost blowing up with anger, but Ivan was quick to leave his side.

Calming himself down, Till went back to his dressing room to rest a bit. His friends wanted to celebrate the opening a little bit later at night within their friend group, but for now he wanted to sit in silence, reflecting on his emotions.

***

‘Hey, Till! You sleeping in there?’ Hyuna called him from behind the door. ‘We have wrapped everything up, it’s time to drink!’

Till, indeed, took a nap. At first, he sat on a sofa, thinking about his performance. Despite everything, it went good. The crowd liked him, there were no technical difficulties, he managed to not forget any lyrics, too.

His dream had finally come true.

But it was not enough. Till wanted more. He knew – once he tries the stage, it will become an addiction. He wanted to perform more, sing with his friends on this stage every Friday and drink until dawn. This was, in his opinion, the only right way for him to live.

But his parents… They would call him an ‘irresponsible spoiled brat’ and make him study harder. He still had a year left in law school. If Till fails on his last year… the fight between him and his parents could be the end of it all. So, even though he hated it, Till had to wait.  

Feeling conflicted, Till fell asleep. It was a quick nap, but for some reason it was accompanied by a dream.

There were Mizi, Sua, Ivan and him. Till realized that the dream was set in some kind of class, all of the kids singing together. He couldn’t help but feel nostalgic, seeing small Mizi. But, like in reality, she was only looking at Sua, not giving Till any attention he so much desired. It made Till feel sad again.

And there was Ivan… Till felt his intense gaze. It was as if the guy was studying him, trying to decipher him. It was unbearable, and if Till could do anything in this dream, he would’ve told him to fuck off.

Till stood up from the couch and ran up to the door, opening it wide to let Hyuna see him.

‘Yeah, sorry, I dozed off.’ Till answered apologetically, still kind of tired from the nap. ‘Are we drinking in the lounge?’

‘Yeah, others are there already.’ Hyuna smiled, still feeling proud of everyone. ‘I’m so happy, let’s go celebrate!’

She grabbed Till by the hand and dragged him into the lounge. Their friends were chatting, everyone happy about the show.

‘Till!’ Mizi exclaimed, seeing as Hyuna instructed him to sit on the sofa besides her and Luka. ‘You were amazing today!’

‘Thanks…’ Till got shy again, avoiding Mizi’s attentive gaze.

Everyone chatted, drinking and laughing at Hyuna’s silly jokes. Luka looked like he was about to pass out, tired beyond words, but he tried his best to stay awake and listen to his girlfriend. Sua, on the other hand, didn’t bother and fell asleep on Mizi, who was also bursting with energy.

And there was Ivan who wasn’t trying to be involved in the conversation. Till didn’t get it – in his opinion, Ivan was supposed to be apologizing for the rest of the night for almost ruining it. If it was not for Till, there would’ve been a collapse in the schedule. None of the girls would be able to prepare their performances that quick – both of them needed special equipment. And Luka was traditionally the last performer of the night – you can’t move him anywhere.

Not for an annoying guy like Ivan.

Till felt himself getting worked up more and more with every passing minute. Maybe, it was the effect of three bottles of soju, or maybe Till could blame it on the annoying guy again, but he couldn’t take it anymore.

Hyuna and Mizi kept playfully arguing over something petty, Sua, who woke up again, and tired Luka trying to defend their significant others’ positions, while Ivan and Till kept quiet. Ivan, once again, picked up his phone again to check on the time, and Till snapped.

‘Hey!’ Till stood up from his seat, startling Hyuna and Luka. ‘What is your problem, dude?’

Ivan looked up at Till with a slightly scared expression.

Right, he should be scared. And ashamed of himself, too. Till will tell him everything that he thinks about his stupid running away attempts, pretentious politeness and weirdness. If Ivan thought he could get away with being weird, he ran into the wrong guy! Till will make sure Ivan remembers what he is about to say.

‘Aren’t you supposed to be apologizing for almost ruining the show?!’ Till exclaimed, alcohol heightening his annoyance. ‘Why are you so quiet all of the sudden? You always seem to have something to say, yet now you keep staring at your phone as if you’re forced to be here and want to leave so bad!’

‘Till, that’s not…’ Mizi wanted to stop Till before it becomes too late, but he cut her off.

‘No, Mizi, that’s it! I’m done with this weirdo!’ Till went up to Ivan, legs shaky because of the anger and drunkenness. He dragged the bigger man up by the collar of his annoying white button-up, staring at him with fiery gaze.

Ivan kept silent, now no signs of fear. He seemed to have accepted the this was happening and didn’t want to do anything about it.

‘Till, stop!’ Luka tried to tear him apart from Ivan, grabbing Till by the arm, but the latter brushed him off.

‘I won’t! Just as he can’t stop avoiding me when we’re practically neighbours, I can’t stop feeling like shit!’ Till kept staring at Ivan, trying to find an answer to his countless questions in Ivan’s expression. But the latter wasn’t showing any emotions. Ivan was calm, simply listening to what Till wanted to say.

‘You guys know how hard it is for me to trust new people.’ Till continued, dropping his hands and looking down. ‘And this guy, despite, apparently, being everyone’s best friend, is constantly ignoring me. Am I supposed to be fine with this? He also threatened the show, yet no one is scolding him!’

Others kept silent, surprised with Till’s sudden outburst.

‘Till, things happen.’ Hyuna said calmly after a bit. ‘We have to deal with scheduling issues every time we invite someone new. Ivan didn’t ruin anything. If it wasn’t you who suggested switching, it would’ve been a bit harder, but Luka and I managed worse situations.’

‘We get that you were worried for your first gig.’ Luka continued his girlfriend’s line of thought. ‘But you don’t have to get so worked up over that.’

All of them got quiet after that. The silence was suffocating for Till. He didn’t understand anything and he could feel tears welling up in his eyes.

‘But why is he ignoring me…?’ Till was about to cry, looking up at Ivan again.

‘I’m sorry.’ Ivan finally said, guilt making its’ way on his face. ‘I shouldn’t have avoided you.’

‘You’re not answering my question.’ Till sniffled, tears flowing down his face.

Ivan’s expression suddenly changed, horror and guilt mixing together.

‘I’ll stop, I promise! Just… calm down.’ Ivan tried weakly, not knowing what to do with himself. Till noticed Ivan’s hands shake, but he himself was shaking too, so he couldn’t bring himself to care.

Till didn’t want to be there anymore, he couldn’t handle it. He ran away to his dressing room, grabbed his guitar and stormed out of the bar.

He didn’t want to go home. Till now hated the idea of living in the same apartment complex as this creep who couldn’t even explain himself. Thinking about running into him once more annoyed him so much.

So, Till went to the park. He sat on a bench and cried there, not understanding both his actions and Ivan’s behavior.

He heard his phone buzzing with notifications, a signal of everyone being worried about him. He took it out and looked for his chat with Mizi.

[mizi] till where did you go?!

[mizi] it’s raining

[mizi] come back!

[mizi] we’re so worried for you

[mizi] sua and i will go search for u

Till really wanted to be alone now, so he couldn’t have them finding him here. He typed out a few quick messages.

[till] it’s fine, you don’t have to

[till] the weather got better

[till] and i went home

[till] sorry for making all of you guys worry and ruining the night

[till] guess i had too much to drink

He put his phone back in the pocket of his jacket, feeling overwhelmed. He regretted snapping at Ivan now – after all, maybe this guy really had some sort of problem? But why wasn’t this problem affecting his relationship with anyone but Till? Ivan never ignored anyone, always ready to chat and help.

In fact, it looked as if there were two versions of Ivan. One is the happy, bubbly guy who chatted with the girls about some stupid TV shows every Friday, always there to check on his friends. And the other was a special edition, available only for Till. It’s Ivan who always looked bored, disappointed and out of it. Ivan who, it seemed, wanted to run away from Till as far as possible.

His head hurt again from all of this thinking. The rain had stopped long time ago, but its’ sound was still ringing in Till’s ears. He closed his eyes – and saw the big stage again. There was someone to his right there, wearing all white. He couldn’t force himself to look in that direction, too tired. Till opened his eyes, seeing a clear night sky. How did the weather manage to change so quickly?

Indeed, things are happening way too fast.

Chapter Text

Till’s headaches got worse since the day of Anakt’s grand opening.

For a while, he tried to ignore the constant dizziness, attributing it to stress. School work suddenly started piling up again, so it was not that unusual to feel a bit tired.

But the longer it went on, the more it scared Till.

Most of his visions were… neutral? There was an already familiar flower field, children seemed to always run around, the sound of laughter sometimes accompanied these images and rang through Till’s ears. There was what seemed to be his room, where he sat in front of countless papers, drawings of someone which were never clear enough for him to figure out.

But there were also really depressing visions, too.

Till could see strange figures surrounding him, as if demanding something. He could swear that he could even feel the touch of these weird creatures, grouping him and tugging at his hair. These images were scary, leaving Till confused and terrified.

As time went on, these migraines had become so strong to the point Till couldn’t even concentrate on anything.

So, he found a solution – he started studying in his university’s library. At first, Till thought that it wouldn’t help, but the change of atmosphere helped him a bit.

Usually, there were little to no people besides Till in the reading hall, so it was really quiet there. It was hard to admit, but just like that he found himself caught up in studying, avoiding the situation with his friends.

Till still went to the usual Friday shows, but it was really awkward. It seemed that Luka and Hyuna were avoiding him, still apparently mad at him for causing a scene. It hurt Till’s feelings, but he perfectly understood them and didn’t try to change anything.

Mizi and Sua, on the other hand, were trying to make it seem as if everything was fine and nothing bothered them. Well, Sua was mostly quiet as usual, observing and studying Till and his actions, so there was nothing new.

But Mizi made it so obvious that she still felt awkward! Till couldn’t help but start getting annoyed with it.

Mizi was his best friend. There were so many different situations in their lives’, affecting both of them or simply bothering one half of the duo, but it never got to this point. They always found a solution, helping each other out no matter what the problem was. Despite seeming out of it, Mizi actually cared a lot about Till and never hesitated to take his side in any of the possible conflicts.

So why all of the sudden she was so unsure on helping him out?

The only good thing coming out of it was Till realizing that he has finally moved on. Even a month ago he wouldn’t be so sure of it, bottling up the last pieces of feelings he carried for his first crush. But now, he saw nothing more than a friend in Mizi.

A friend who didn’t want to take his side.

A friend who chose some other guy over him.

Was Till really ever her best friend?

***

Come to think about it, Mizi was also someone who always shook Till’s world peace. He used to think that it was impossible for the pink-haired girl to sit still. That’s how both of them often ended up in trouble when they were kids – sneaking somewhere they weren’t allowed at, pulling pranks on other kids and laughing in inappropriate times.

However, when they were kids, Till didn’t mind Mizi’s energy. He himself was a really active child, always ready to cause chaos. But now… He had turned into a quiet introvert with trust issues. Till now enjoyed spending his time alone, in the quiet of his flat.

But Mizi was still the same, loud and energetic. Even when life got hard, she kept her positive attitude.

And this time it was no different.

When they met up in their usual café on Sunday, she decided to not mention anything about what happened between Till and Ivan right away, seemingly trying to deliberately avoid the topic. Instead, Mizi started ranting about her new neighbours being too loud at night, mentioning something about ‘avenging them with her angel’. Till decided to ignore the implication.

‘Look, I get everything, but what happened to respecting others?’ Mizi questioned, sipping on her bubble tea. ‘They know anyone can file a noise complaint against them!’

‘But do they care?’ Till argued, finishing his tiramisu. ‘Even if you complain about it to their landlord, they’ll just pretend that it wasn’t them.’

‘I’ll show proof!’ Mizi exclaimed, visibly frustrated.

Till sighed. It was obvious that sooner or later they’ll have to discuss the elephant in the room. He dreaded that moment, not wanting to ever talk about Ivan, his weird behavior and Till’s emotions.

Till still had to see this weird guy every week, his performance always going right after the girls’ ones. It was already enough of an annoyance – despite everything, this guy didn’t even try to reach out. Not like Till even wanted it, but wasn’t it logical of him to expect at least something?

Instead, there was nothing.

What was this wind whirl of emotions? Till couldn’t even give himself a proper explanation. He wanted to avoid his own feelings for as long as it was only possible.

‘Hey, you lost in thought again?’ Mizi noticed the sudden change in her friend’s mood.

‘I know you wanted to talk about me and Ivan.’ Till cut to the chase, not willing to wait anymore. ‘And I don’t want to do it.’

Mizi’s face expression changed from playful to serious in a span of seconds. She put her cup down on the table and shifted in her chair, pose closing off.

‘You always see right through me.’ She scoffed, acting hurt, arms crossed over her chest. ‘If both of you are too proud to talk it out, someone has to interfere.’

‘There is nothing to talk about.’ Till said, putting his plate away and avoiding Mizi’s intent gaze. ‘Ivan made it clear that he doesn’t want to talk, and I’ve said enough.’

‘But what was he supposed to do? You ran away so quickly, scaring everyone.’ Mizi argued, not letting Till move on from the topic, demanding his attention. ‘Ivan isn’t heartless, he wanted to go search for you too.’

Till wanted to get up and leave. Why did all of this feel like friendly fire? Wasn’t Mizi supposed to defend and support Till, her childhood best friend?

Was he right? Did all of his friends secretly hate him and they’ve decided to replace Till with Ivan?

‘Why do you defend him so much?’ Till wondered, looking betrayed. He felt himself getting dizzy. ‘I’m your friend and he is… Nobody. A weirdo, annoying freak.’

‘He is Sua’s cousin!’ Mizi cut him off, getting frustrated. ‘I’ve known him for years now, of course I won’t sit still and see you guys fight over something stupid.’

Cousin? Till didn’t give a shit. Mizi thought that if her world revolved around Sua, everyone else’s should too? So what if he isn’t really a nobody? To Till, he still is.

‘So, you choose a distant relative of your girlfriend over your childhood best friend?’ Till couldn’t believe what Mizi was saying.

‘If my friend is being unreasonably rude, should I be tolerating it?!’ Mizi was mad, and Till noticed other people were giving them weird looks.

‘Look, now it will be us who’ll get scolded for being too loud.’ Till felt uncomfortable, eyes of strangers burning on his skin. ‘Keep it down.’

Mizi looked even more mad now. She tried really hard to calm herself down, and Till appreciated the effort. He grabbed his drink and sipped a bit, trying to stop his anxiety, but his leg kept shaking, tapping out an annoying rhythm.

His head was swimming. Till could feel how his dizziness got progressively worse. He tried to adjust himself in his chair, finding a more comfortable position.

‘I get it, Till.’ Mizi started again, not commenting on his fidgeting. ‘I know you are not that well with new people, and Ivan was also acting weird. But you also need to be more understanding – this guy has just moved cities; he has to adjust.’

‘Does it justify him being a weirdo? You really don’t care about me feelings getting hurt, do you?’ Till scoffed, closing his eyes.

The dizziness just wouldn’t go away. He forced his eyes open to see Mizi pouting.

‘What are you even saying? Of course I care!’ Mizi kept pouting, looking hurt. ‘It’s just that… He is not a weirdo. He just… has his own reasons, I think. It’s just not my place to talk about that.’

Till groaned, being annoyed with the situation. He wanted to change the topic, avoiding any more nagging from Mizi.

‘Till, give him a chance, please.’ She reached out to hold his hand, just like they did when they were kids. ‘After all, you can’t avoid both Ivan and all of us for much longer.’

Mizi was right. Till knew she was right and hated it. He was acting immature, deciding to dwell on it longer than it would be healthy.

But when he wanted to make another annoyed comment, Till felt a throbbing pain in his temples grow stronger.

He closed his eyes, instinctively squeezing Mizi’s hand stronger. He heard her calling his name, but he couldn’t open his eyes. There was a burning image of a what seemed to be a meteoric shower, something he has seen already, but not to this extent. Now it also felt different. It was both mesmerizing and scary. Was it even possible – a starfall so big it covers the whole sky?

Till couldn’t shake off the weird feeling, sensing once again that in this vision someone was also holding his hand. It took him a lot of effort, and just as he pulled his hand out of someone’s touch in his vision, he shook off Mizi’s hand and opened his eyes.

‘Till, are you OK?’ Mizi now looked crazy worried, leaning forward to him. Till noticed that people stopped staring, so he felt himself easing up a bit, trying to forget this weird image of starry sky.

Initially, he wanted to tell Mizi about his constant headaches and visions. Till thought she’d hear him out and they will try to look for solutions together. But the longer it went on, the more he realized – she’ll just tell him it’s weird and that he needs to see a specialist as soon as possible.

Not that Mizi was heartless or anything. It’s just Till himself would’ve done the same. From an outsider’s perspective, these were textbook examples of hallucinations. But Till himself knew they weren’t. There was this weird feeling attached to them, something not typical for hallucinations.

‘Yeah, I’m fine now.’ Till said quietly, not sure of what to feel. ‘Sorry for scaring you. I’ve been having trouble sleeping recently, so my headaches can get a bit too much sometimes.’

For a moment Mizi looked like she was not buying it. That’s what being in a relationship with someone like Sua does to a person – they become more observant. But Mizi was still Mizi, so she figured it would be no use trying to get more details from Till.

Instead, she changed the subject.

‘Hey, remember we wanted to go on a trip?’ Mizi asked, fidgeting on her chair. ‘How about we finally go there? Hm… Are you free next week?’

‘Wait, what?’ Till didn’t understand. How was she able to change the topic so drastically? ‘I don’t have time!’

They indeed have been discussing going out hiking somewhere, but Till was constantly busy with school, so the opportunity never showed up.

‘You’re lying! I know you don’t have that many classes now, so we can go now.’ Mizi grinned widely, her hidden motives peeking through the smile. ‘You’ll get the chance to rest a bit if we go. Please, Till!’

‘But… You know I wanted us to go together.’ Till protested, getting pouty. ‘Only two of us. But you’ll drag Sua again and I’ll be third wheeling.’

‘No-no, Sua will bring a friend along.’ Mizi assured him, still smiling.

Till found it hard to believe, but eventually agreed.

Chapter Text

Till should’ve seen that coming.

Of course, Mizi wanted to get Till and Ivan in such a situation where there’ll be no way for both of them to escape.

So, she made Sua drag Ivan along for their trip.

‘What the fuck? Mizi, you lied!’ Till wasn’t trying to hide his annoyance. ‘You said Sua will bring a friend along!’

‘But he is my friend.’ Sua argued, not letting her girlfriend speak. ‘So, there’s no lie.’

Till huffed, disappointment apparent on his face. Ivan stood next to him, awkwardly staring at the ground. They’ve already put everyone’s luggage and were waiting for Till, who ran late today because his alarm didn’t go off. Mizi and Sua looked at each other, sighing in sync.

‘I’m not going.’ Till stated, turning on his heels, ready to go back to his apartment. ‘Enjoy your trip together and good luck third-wheeling.’

Not a second later he could feel someone grabbing him by the hand and dragging into one of the passenger seats in the back of Sua’s car. Mizi quickly fasten his seatbelt, as if it would stop him from escaping, and flashed a creepy smile at him.

‘You are going.’ She refuted and sat near him, while Sua and Ivan sat in the front.

Till knew Mizi was doing all of this out of good will, wanting to get them to talk and make up for the sake of their friend group, but he would’ve appreciated it more if it wasn’t forced on him. He perfectly understood that one day Ivan and him will have to talk, but it was way too soon for Till’s liking.

Ivan also didn’t seem to be fond of this idea as Till could see him constantly fidgeting in his seat. The girls must have also deceived him, Till doubted Ivan willingly agreed to experience this awkwardness.

The trip was going to be an eventful one. Mizi made so many plans, to the point Till wasn’t sure that they would be able to get everything done.

Their first day was hectic. When they arrived at the house rented out for this trip, they realized it was practically empty, so there was no other option but to go the nearest city for shopping. Sua had to constantly stop Mizi from buying everything and anything that looked cute or tasty while Ivan and Till quietly followed behind, carrying heavy packages with groceries.

After that it was decided they needed to rest for a bit, so the fried group stayed inside and had lunch, Ivan cooking for everyone. Till didn’t want to admit, but Ivan was a good cook. He also helped Till with washing the dishes, although the latter said that he could do it himself.

Then they went to the local temple. Mizi said that this trip needs to be both relaxing and educational, so she dragged other three along to explore their neighborhood.

The house they rented was located in a small suburban town, both close to mountains and a really nice beach. Sua took photos of the sights, occasionally snapping photos of her girlfriend and ignoring the boys. That made Ivan take out his phone and make a quick selfie and a few snapshots of the landscape.

‘Do you want me to take some pics for you?’ He asked Till, who was walking a bit ahead of Ivan.

‘It’s fine, you don’t have to. I don’t like taking pictures of myself anyway.’ Till shook his head and tried to walk faster.

‘Why?’ Ivan looked surprised, catching up to Till and now walking by his side.

‘I don’t look good in photos.’ Till shrugged, not thinking much of it.

That’s when he felt Ivan’s arm wrapping around his shoulders, leaning on Till and taking a photo of them together. Ivan open the photo and zoomed on their faces, studying their expressions.

‘You are a liar.’ Ivan simply stated, smiling at Till. ‘You look good.’

Till felt himself blushing, looking at their selfie on Ivan’s phone. They actually looked nice together and although Till was caught off guard, he didn’t hate his face in the photo.

‘Thanks…’ He felt so awkward, but at the same time Ivan’s attention and care made Till feel weirdly… nice.

‘What are you two up to?’ Mizi came up to them, Sua following her closely. ‘Let me see your photos too!’

‘Don’t want to show.’ Ivan calmly said and smiled at her, hiding his phone in the pocket of his jeans.

They walked around for a bit more, enjoying nice weather and sharing news. They talked about Luka and Hyuna getting even busier, as more and more sponsors and performers wanted to get a place in ‘Anakt’.

‘What if they won’t have time to hang out anymore?’ Mizi questioned, worried about her friends overworking themselves.

‘They’ll always find time for us, babe.’ Sua answered, holding onto her girlfriend.

Till started seeing benefits in bringing Ivan along as now he didn’t feel as terrible as he usually would when girls started getting too touchy and lost in their own bubble. He just watched them talk, throwing glances at Ivan at times. In return, Till would receive a shy smile or a knowing gaze.

It was still really weird. They haven’t talked for weeks up until this point, their last encounter was bad and even now Till didn’t have any answers.  The way Ivan acted didn’t help either – one moment he looks like he’s about to run away, the next – he is pulling Till in for a photo by hugging him. The more they spent time together, the more Till realized how he needed these damn answers. But to confront Ivan now is to ruin the mood and Till himself didn’t want to try and figure out all of this now.

***

Insomnia decided to strike Till once again on the second night.

The second day of their trip was exhausting. Mizi and him went to a local museum first thing in the morning while Sua and Ivan slept in. It was a mistake, Till thought to himself later - there was nothing worth getting up at 7 in the morning to get ready and driving for an hour. By the time they got back, it was afternoon already, and they had to quickly grab a snack and go for their hiking adventure.

To say that Till regretted ever bringing up the idea of hiking was an understatement. It was way harder than he imagined, getting tired almost in the beginning of their journey.

‘Come on, Till!’ Mizi encouraged him, walking a little bit ahead. ‘You can do it!’

In the end, they’ve reached the top of the mountain and took pictures of the scenery and snapped some selfies with a nice background.

The view was definitely something. From the top Till could see everything – all small houses in the neighborhood, a few temples and a big tower in the city center far away. Fascinated, he reached out for his phone and made a few photos to use them as reference for his future drawings.

All of the time they were going down, Till could feel Ivan’s gaze on him, but the former decided not to address it. He was already way too tired because of the amount of exercise he had today, there was no need to add on to it.

Mizi and Sua went straight to their room after coming back, so Ivan and Till were left on their own, free to do whatever they wanted. It was already late, so they had dinner together, Ivan once again cooking and insisting on washing the dishes again.

Then they went to sleep, wishing each other good night.

But Till couldn’t fall asleep. For some reason, he just couldn’t turn his mind off. The visions that would usually haunt him during such nights were nowhere to be found, replaced by memories of his reality.

He couldn’t help but mentally go back to their interactions with Ivan, reminiscing over the small gestures he had noticed. How Ivan smiled at him, how much he looked at Till when he thought the latter wouldn’t notice, how he looked out for him on their hike.

It was getting too much. Till went out to the kitchen to get a glass of water, but when he came there, he saw Ivan sitting at the counter and scrolling on his phone, lost in thought.

‘I thought you went to sleep, why are you here?’ Till asked, plopping on a chair right next to Ivan.

‘I could ask you the same. Can’t fall asleep?’ Ivan put his phone down and turned around to fully face him.

‘Yeah, but you are avoiding my question again.’ Till sighed, looking away. He was tired, he wanted to sleep, he just couldn’t. He rubbed his eyes, yawning.

‘Well, it’s the same for me.’ Ivan simply stated, intently watching Till.

The silence that fell right after that was not awkward, but it had a weird feeling to it. Till was about to say something when Ivan spoke.

‘I’m sorry for making you feel bad before.’ He started calmly, but his gaze was no longer on Till. ‘I acted immature and weird, so your reaction was completely valid.’

Till’s eyes grew wide with surprise. Not only did he not expect Ivan to bring this up in the middle of the night, when both of them were tired and sleepless, Till also didn’t expect him to be so straightforward.

‘No, it’s… You don’t have to explain yourself, Ivan.’ Till answered, feeling himself get more and more nervous. ‘I overreacted because of the alcohol, too. Sorry about that.’

‘You know what they say, ‘drunkenness reveals what soberness conceals’ and stuff.’ Ivan huffed, still not looking at the other man.

Till didn’t know what to answer, feeling really emotional for some reason.

‘I guess they are right. It’s just…’ Till stopped for a moment, breathing in. ‘I didn’t understand why you avoided me when it didn’t seem to be the case for anybody else? You were always smiley and chatty with everyone but me, so I started getting… sad over it. It’s stupid, if it bothered me so much, I should’ve confronted you in private calmly, but I was scared seeing you run away from me again.’

The more Till spoke, the more Ivan’s eyes grew wide with surprise. They stared at each other for a moment, processing what Till had just said.

‘I’m sorry.’ Ivan said, guilt clearly washing over him. ‘It was always a ‘me-problem’, not you. I’m sorry I made you feel that way…’

Till didn’t even realize how he himself reached out to Ivan and hugged him.

‘Whatever your reason is, you’re not obliged to tell me. Although, let me be honest, I’d appreciate it, but you don’t owe me anything. I just hope we’ll be able to become friends now.’

Ivan hugged him tightly, quietly sniffing and hiding his face from Till.

‘Yeah, let’s be friends.’ He answered weakly.

***

For the rest of their trip, Ivan and Till spent a lot of time together. They could tell that Mizi was happy that her plan worked, but she still wanted to keep a close eye on the two.

During their third and fourth days they got to visit a lot of places and enjoyed nice food from local cafés.

At last, they came to the beach. The weather was not that great, definitely not warm enough to swim, but Till enjoyed staring at the calm water surface, enjoying the tranquility of the moment. Ivan was next to him, taking pictures of both the sea and Till.

‘Hey, stop taking photos of me!’ Til exclaimed, reaching out for Ivan’s phone.

‘But I want to.’ Ivan simply said, putting his phone out of Till’s reach.

Till just pouted.

Mizi and Sua, who quietly watched them from afar, exchanged knowing gazes.

Chapter Text

Although Till didn’t want to admit it, he was getting used to Ivan’s company.

It turned out that they shared a lot of interests - Ivan’s favorite shows often happened to be Till’s favorite ones, both of them enjoyed making music and often met up in either one of their apartments to share what they’ve come up with in the past couple of days.

The exam season came up once again, and Till found himself drowning in deadlines and assignments. When he was drafting up his fourth paper for the day, his phone rang with a notification. He picked it up and saw a message from Ivan.

[ivan] till!!! can i come over today?

[ivan] i’m so bored… want your company

Come to think about it, they haven’t seen each other in a week. Till didn’t even realize – he was so burnt out from the amount of schoolwork he had to do that his brain didn’t even fully process the passage of time.

[till] yeah, come over

Till could feel himself getting dizzy from all of the stress. He closed his eyes, letting them rest for a bit after staring at his laptop screen for three hours straight, and a vision appeared.

At some point, Till came to terms with the fact that these hallucinations will stay with him forever. Despite constantly looking for an explanation as to why they can appear, there was nothing on the Internet about it.

However, sometimes it got scary. He was more than sure that they were not those simple hallucinations caused by stress or lack of sleep. All of them seemed to be connected to one another. For example, this one presented him with a tall white wall, a big drawing of what seemed to be a forest decorating it. He could sense someone was standing next to him, studying the painting.

The moment it faded away, Till opened his eyes and looked for a note on his phone where he wrote down all of them. The most recent one lined up with a few others he had seen.

But the most eerie part about them was this other person’s presence. Not all of the visions had that feeling to them, but those which did made him wonder who could this mysterious companion be. All of the hallucinations ended before he could turn around and see who it was, so the more it happened, the more curious Till was about it.

When Ivan came over, he offered to help Till with his homework, as he usually does. Ivan graduated a year ago, having degree in Business, but he had a law-related minor, so he had some knowledge which would allow him to help. Initially, Till rejected Ivan’s help most of the time, but now it had got to the point where he just wanted to get over with everything, and if they did it together, they’d still have time in the evening to watch something together.

‘That’s enough for today.’ Till stood up from his chair and closed his laptop. ‘Ugh, Ivan, I’m so tired… I wish I could drop out.’

‘I know, I felt like that too.’ Ivan looked up from his phone, where he was making a draft version of a case study for Till. He put it away in the pocket of his jeans and patted the spot next to him on Till’s bed, urging the other to come sit together. ‘You’ve said your parents forced you to pursue law, right?’

‘Yeah… I always wanted to pursue music, but they insisted I chose something ‘more reasonable’, otherwise they would disown me.’ Till sighed, sitting next to Ivan on the bed. ‘Maybe I should’ve fought for my choice, but knowing them…’

‘Oh, that’s awful… That sounds like manipulation.’ Ivan fidgeted on his spot, trying to find a comfortable pose. ‘But at least you’ll have a back-up plan in the future…’

‘What about you, did you want to become a businessman?’ Till asked curiously, lying down and looking at his friend.

‘Not really… My father owns a pretty big company, he wants to pass it down onto me, so I had to get this degree. But I never really wanted that.’

Till nodded in understanding. In his eyes, Ivan was perfect for the stage, but never for a constant boredom of the office. Although he would be rich, there would be no satisfaction. Maybe, they were even more similar than Till had thought before.

***

‘Is today special or something?’ Till asked Hyuna when they sat at the bar right before the start of Friday show. ‘Why is this place even more crowded than usual?’

‘Well, maybe people heard the rumors about that new song that Luka and I will present today and decided to come.’ Hyuna casually answered, downing a third cup of beer already. ‘Or maybe now that exam season is over, more students decided to come. Anyways, we have to fire up the stage, as usual!’

‘Oh, I’ll look forward to your performance!’ Till exclaimed, putting his glass away. After his crash out on that night, he tried to avoid alcohol, but today he wanted to unwind a bit.

‘Thanks, Till! I have to go, have to change and check everything. Have fun!’

And just like that, in a blink, Hyuna was gone. Till sighed – all of his friends were so busy, so he had to sit at the bar all alone.

When Till finished his fifth glass of soju, he realized that he shouldn’t have done it.

He tried to sit still, but his head was getting hazy. Till tried really hard to focus on the show, but it was really hard when his mind was getting filled with different thoughts and worries.

The bartender offered him a glass of water, which Till happily accepted. He regained some clarity and turned to face the stage again. It was Ivan’s turn, so he had to focus and listen as attentively as possible, as it has already become a tradition to discuss the shows.

Ivan’s song was slow and sad, but still quite loud, so Till could feel his temples pulsating. When the song ended, Till decided to get up and go backstage, hoping that Luka and Hyuna won’t scold him for it.

When Till got to the lounge where their company usually hung out after the shows, he was already too dizzy to sit up, so he decided to lie on one of the couches. Till always thought of himself as someone with a high alcohol tolerance, so it was quite unusual for him to get so drunk from soju.

‘Till? Why are you here?’ He heard Ivan’s voice from across the room. ‘Are you OK?’

Till groaned, looking up at his friend. His vision was a bit blurry, but he could make out Ivan’s worried expression.

‘Yeah… just had a little too much soju…’

Ivan got to the couch and crouched down to inspect Till. He touched the other’s forehead and sighed, worry changing his expression.

‘You’ve barely had any sleep, so of course you’ll get drunk easily.’ He stated, getting up. ‘Wait for a bit, I’ll get my things and we’ll catch a taxi.’

‘What? I don’t have money for it…’ Till mumbled, trying to sit up and look at Ivan.

‘Till, it’s 1 AM, there’s no other way to get home.’ Ivan laughed.

‘Oh…’ Till pulled out his phone and looked at the time. ‘It was 11 PM when I got here… I wanted to simply lie for a bit, but…’

‘It’s fine, these few weeks were really hectic, so you deserved this nap.’ Ivan smiled at him and Till could feel himself blush. ‘One minute, I’ll be back.’

When Ivan went to get his stuff, Till tried to stand up and felt him legs giving out. He managed to stand up, but he still couldn’t see clearly.

Ivan came back and suggested that Till should hold onto him. Initially, the offer was turned down, but when Till almost tripped over the doorstep, Ivan insisted once again and forced him to hold onto his arm.

The taxi ride was nice. Till felt himself falling asleep again, but he tried really hard to stay awake by looking out of the window. There, buildings quickly changed and the night lights blinded him a bit. He looked over at Ivan, who seemed to have fallen asleep.

Till’s drunk mind didn’t have the same restraint as his sober mind, so he let himself stare at Ivan a little bit longer when he usually does. His black hair nicely adorned his face, highlighting its’ features. Ivan’s eyelashes fluttered a bit and his lips were parted a bit, drawing Till’s attention.

Ivan was pretty. Till would be a fool to not admit that – the guy had everything. Perfect face, perfect body and perfect voice. He was a bit of a weirdo, though, sometimes acting strange and being a bit invasive, but Till was getting used to that.

Fuck, did he like Ivan?

Ivan woke up right before they pulled up to the apartment complex. He paid the driver and thanked him, getting out first to go open the other door for Till. Ivan stepped away, allowing him space.

‘Thank you…’ Till mumbled quietly, holding onto Ivan again.

When they got into the elevator, Till decided to ask a question he would never dare to even think of if he was sober.

‘Ivan, I wanted to ask…’ He started, capturing other’s attention. ‘Do you… have anyone?’

‘What?’ Ivan was taken aback, not expecting that kind of question.

‘Just curious.’

‘Well… No, I don’t.’ Ivan looked away, avoiding Till’s gaze.

‘Then… do you like anyone?’

‘Why are you asking, Till?’

Till shrugged, looking away too.

‘Don’t know… I was just thinking… Don’t you have a lot of girls running after you?’

Ivan finally looked at Till when they arrived at their floor, suggesting other to hold onto him once again.

‘I mean… I was pretty popular in school, but I’ve never dated anyone.’

‘Why?!’ Till couldn’t hide his surprise, voice getting louder. ‘I thought…’

‘Well, I… I do have feelings for someone.’ Ivan admitted, guiding Till to his door and fetching keys from the pocket of his friend’s jeans. ‘But this will forever remain unrequited.’

‘What?!’ Till’s surprise got stronger with every word. ‘Who in their right mind would reject you?’

‘I’m flattered you think so nice of me.’ Ivan laughed, turning the keys in the lock and opening the door. ‘I’ll get going now, good night.’

Before Ivan could leave, Till grabbed him by the hand.

‘Wait, maybe you could… stay over and we’ll talk about it?’

Ivan reluctantly agreed.

When they got ready to go to sleep, Till insisted they slept together in his bed. He hated being alone when drunk, so that’s why he ignored all of Ivan’s protests and laid him down, throwing a blanket over him and getting under it too.

‘So, will you explain?’

‘Ugh, Till… Why do you have to be so stubborn?’

‘But why won’t you just tell me? Aren’t we close enough?’

‘No, that’s not what I’m saying… It’s just… this person is better off without me.’ Ivan sighed, turning to face Till.

‘Did they tell you that?’ Till asked, looking Ivan in the eyes.

‘Well… We had a really long history together, but both him and I didn’t have enough freedom to choose what to do. And, in the end, I just had to step back and leave him.’

Him. So, Ivan was into guys. Till sighed with relief.

‘It sounds… tragic. I’m sorry for forcing you to talk…’

‘It’s fine, it felt nice telling someone.’

‘But… You still love him, right?’

‘I do. And I always will. But… he’s better off without me. I hope he finds someone better.’

‘You’re so weird, Ivan…’ Till mumbled, feeling himself doze off. ‘Isn’t that too selfless? Don’t you want to… fight for his heart…?’

‘No, I’ll just get him hurt once again, and I can’t have that.’

And with that, Till fell asleep, imagining what kind of guy this crush of Ivan was.

Chapter Text

Both of them decided to pretend that they don’t remember anything that was discussed after getting home that night. Ivan didn’t want to talk about it in the first place, so Till thought that it would only be logical to pretend that alcohol washed away all the details of their conversation.

The truth, however, was far from it. Besides feeling embarrassed after crossing some boundaries, Till was also really… jealous.

He would never admit it to anyone else, pretending that it was simply curiosity that made him wonder who this mysterious crush of Ivan was, but he had to at least be honest with himself.

He liked Ivan.

Although they had a really weird start to their friendship and Till still hasn’t received answers to any of his questions, there was something about Ivan that made him want to forget all the doubts and give in to the feeling.

When Till had a crush on Mizi, he always felt nervous and tried to pretend to be cooler than he actually was. Always putting an act, he wanted to impress her, make her look at him.  

With Ivan, however, it was completely different.

When they were together, Till didn’t have to pretend. Despite how they constantly bickered or how heated their arguments could get, it never got uncomfortable. Ivan always made sure Till knew that he was heard and seen, always checking on the latter’s well-being.

But despite how different it felt, the end would be the same.

With Mizi, this crush was left unknown, destined to be unrequited.

With Ivan, these feelings had to be buried deep inside Till’s soul, as the former already had someone who he devoted his heart to.

Maybe, it was Till’s fate - always chasing after people who would never like him back.

***

This night started quite normally. Ivan, Till, Luka and Hyuna decided to meet up at the couple’s place and hang out for a bit.

Usually, all six of them would come to Hyuna and Luka’s place to play board games or watch a movie together, but the girls had something urgent come up last minute.

‘What a bummer!’ Hyuna exclaimed, looking at all the food that she has prepared for them. ‘How will we fit it into our fridge?’

‘Well, guys can grab some with them.’ Luka hugged Hyuna from behind, scanning the plates in front of them. ‘It would actually be good, knowing that Till always misses on meals because he is too lazy to cook.’

‘Hey, no need to call me out!’ Till protested, looking at the couple over his shoulder. ‘You hardly cook yourself, Luka!’

‘Because I don’t let him.’ Hyuna interfered, approaching the boys who sat on the sofa, Luka following her closely. ‘Last time this menace tried to surprise me with a ‘breakfast in bed’, I woke up because of how much smoke there was! I thought the fire actually broke out…’

They sat next to Ivan, who quietly observed his friends. Till noticed that he was spacing out today, seemingly worried about something.

‘Ivan, I know you cook well.’ Hyuna tried to get him into the conversation, coming up with a ‘reasonable suggestion’. ‘Why don’t you help Till out?’

‘Hey, I can take care of myself…’ Till weakly protested, looking at Ivan and waiting for his response.

‘Well, that’s actually a great idea!’ Ivan’s face suddenly lit up, and he smiled at Hyuna.

‘Wait, Ivan, no! You already do so much for me…’ Till didn’t give up, trying to stop this silly conversation. ‘I already feel like I owe you so much…’

Ivan turned to him again, expression unreadable. Till hated when Ivan made a face like this – the former could never understand what kind of emotion hides behind it.

Is it sadness? Annoyance? Pity?

Maybe, it was a mixture of all three.

‘Please, don’t make this serious again….’ Luka whined, growing tired of the boys constantly fighting.

Till sighed, but didn’t say anything.

The group decided to watch a horror movie. Usually, they avoided them as Mizi was a big scaredy cat, and if anyone ever tried to suggest any scary film, Sua would throw their way a death glare which, Till could argue, was scarier than any movie.

Unfortunately, the one they chose was terrible. Both acting and special effects were cringy, making all plot look even more lame than it was on its’ own.

‘Fuck, can we watch something else?’ Till grumbled, head on Ivan’s shoulder. ‘I think it’s the worst film I’ve ever seen.’

‘There’s only twenty minutes left, be patient.’ Luka answered, slightly annoyed with Till’s moodiness.

When the film finally ended, they got to their dinner. The food Hyuna made always tasted heavenly, but this time she outdid herself.

‘It’s so good!’ Till and Ivan exclaim in unison, looking at each other in surprise.

Hyuna laughed, thanking them for the compliment.

‘Oh, it’s already 11 PM!’ She exclaimed after throwing a glance at the clock, finishing her last bite. ‘If you want to catch the last train, you’ll have to rush.’

After that, Ivan and Till quickly got ready, thanked their friends and hugged them, saying goodbyes.

‘Maybe we’ should grab a taxi?’ Ivan suggested when they got outside.

‘You know I don’t have money for it.’ Till pointed out the obvious, still kind of embarrassed for the last time when Ivan paid for him.

‘And you know I don’t mind paying.’

Till didn’t give in and grabbed Ivan by his hand, dragging him in the subway station’s direction.

‘Why do you have to be so stubborn, Till?’ Ivan sighed, but didn’t try to free his hand from his friend’s hold.

They reached the station just in time, running into the closing doors of the last train. Both of them were out of breath, taking their time to get some composure back.

That’s when Till realized he started getting dizzy. The train was almost empty, so they sat comfortably, but it was still hard for him to keep calm.

‘Till, are you OK?’ Ivan looked at him, worry written all other his face.

‘Y-yeah, I’m just… A bit d-d-dizzy.’ He managed to stutter, closing his eyes and seeing… A face of someone.

Someone, who looked like Ivan.

It was a vision of a stage again, with the sound of heavy rain ringing through his ears. Till felt like he had to turn around, so he did, both physically and in his hallucination, and his eyes met with someone else’s.

His eyes flew open, trying to regain at least a bit of clarity.  Why was Ivan in his vision?

Till looked at Ivan, who started holding him by the shoulders, following his actions with an attentive gaze.

‘I-I have to tell you… something…’ Till awkwardly started, breath still heavy and vision blurry.

‘What is it?’ He could hear Ivan’s voice sting with fear, but being so lost and scared himself, Till didn’t pay enough attention to the other’s behavior.

Up until this moment, Till was sure he’d never tell anyone about these visions. He was afraid that his friends, despite being generally understanding and accepting, would force him to go to a doctor, claiming that these hallucinations were a sign of mental issues induced by stress.

But in this state, he wanted to share. He thought that Ivan would listen to him and try to help.

‘For a while now… I h-have been seeing things…’

‘Things?’

‘Yeah… It’s like… Hallucinations, but I believe it’s something else?’ Till elaborated, looking up at Ivan. ‘The visions I see… They seem to be connected to one another, they are akin to memories… Most of them are  peaceful, but the one just now…’

Ivan’s pupils widened, but Till was too tired to notice.

‘M-memories?’

‘Yeah… I’ve seen a lot and… Sometimes even heard.’

‘Till, that’s not OK.’ Ivan’s tone suddenly changed. He sounded mad.

‘I-I know, b-but…’ He was about to cry.

‘Maybe you should try to…’

‘No, stop!’ Till yelled, standing up, causing few other poor people who were on the same car to wake up from their little naps. ‘I knew you’d say something mean, so I never intended to tell you! B-b-but…’

Ivan got up, trying to pull Till back down to sit and muttered apologies under his breath.

‘S-sorry, Till, that’s not what…’ He tried holding his friend, pulling him in a hug, but Till pushed him and ran away. Conveniently for him, the train stopped at one of the stations, so he ran out of the train, leaving Ivan behind.

At that moment, Till didn’t care that it was the last train of the night. For all he cared, it could be the last train ever. The only thing he wanted at that moment was just to get away.

He sat on a bench for a bit before getting up and walking home for an hour. When he got to his apartment, Till just threw himself on a bed, exhausted after all the crying and walking.

Chapter Text

It was Till’s turn in their ‘avoiding each other’ game.

Usually, the two of them would message each other a lot, exchanging memes and bits of new songs. But after Till tried telling Ivan about his visions, all of the messages stopped. This radio silence was killing Till inside, but he knew it would be better to keep some distance.

Every time they bumped into each other in a hallway, Till would pretend to be in a rush, just like Ivan did in the beginning.

Their friends quickly caught on Till’s weird behavior, asking what happened. Every time that happened Till felt lost, unable to give any clear answer.

That’s why he decided to avoid everyone and locked himself inside, declining any invitations to hang out from his friends. Instead, Till decided to focus on his art.

Till wrote three songs already. All of them shared a theme – the lyrics talked about feeling alone and not being able to forget. When he re-read his third song, Till almost tore the paper, reminded of their last encounter with Ivan.

If writing didn’t work, maybe, drawing would? But when he finished sketching the base for a portrait, he realized that the man on the paper resembled Ivan a lot. Till really liked the sketchbook he was drawing in, so he held himself from throwing it across the room, simply putting it away.

He was lying on the bed, thoughts wandering and eyes getting teary, when he heard his phone ringing with a notification.

[hyuna] hi, till! how are u doing?

Till quickly wrote down an answer.

[till] hi… i’m fine

[hyuna] you can’t fool me

[hyuna] mizi will buy all of your excuses, but i won’t

[hyuna] did you and ivan fight? is that why you both act so weird?

Till sighed. There’s no way Hyuna will back down, so he had no choice but to tell her what happened.

[till] we did

[hyuna] why?

[till] i don’t want to talk about

[hyuna] you have to

[till] i don’t

[hyuna] ok, i’m coming over.

Thirty minutes after, she was at Till’s doorstep.

‘Tell me everything.’ Hyuna said as she sat down on the sofa in the middle of Till’s living room. ‘What happened?’

‘I told you; I don’t want to talk about it.’ Till simply answered, sitting next to her. ‘You’ll also tell me that I’m sick or something.’

‘What? Did Ivan say that?!’

‘Well, he meant that.’

‘Wait, these are not the same things!’ Hyuna argued. ‘Can you tell me exactly what happened?’

Till groaned. Even Ivan didn’t understand, how would anyone else react?

Hyuna was a good friend, there was no denying that. She was always kind to him, never refusing to help with literally anything. With all her experience, Till knew that there would be no real judgement from her side.

But he was still afraid.

‘Promise me that you’ll listen attentively and won’t judge.’ Till asked, looking at her with a pleading gaze. ‘It’ll be a long one.’

‘Dude, whatever it is, I would never judge you.’ Hyuna reassured him, smiling weakly.  ‘Unless it’s something illegal, but still…’

Till weakly smiled back at her and looked away.

‘Well… A while ago I… started seeing things. Initially, I thought these hallucinations started because of stress, they were always accompanied by strong headaches, so I attributed it to my overall exhaustion. But time went on and nothing changed. I still got dizzy and saw visions.’

Hyuna listened to him, not showing any extra emotions so Till doesn’t start overthinking.

‘What exactly do you see?’ She decided to ask, proving that she was following the topic. ‘Is it random?’

‘No, and it’s the main reason why I believe it’s not that simple. They seem to be connected. Most of them are… fine. But some of them are creepy – I see creepy things.’

‘Creepy?’

‘For example, on the way back from your place that night, we had to run to catch the last train. I got dizzy again and saw one of the worst ones. You see, these visions sometimes can repeat. I’ve seen that one a few times before – it looks as if I stand on the stage, rain hitting the ground heavily. There is a microphone in front of me, but I don’t see the crowd. Instead, I can sense someone’s presence to my side.’

Till averted his gaze from Hyuna, remembering what he saw. It would be better to omit some details, so he decided against mentioning how this person who was always by Till’s side in the hallucinations resembled Ivan a lot.

‘What the… It sounds scary. I thought you’ll say there is something less... Unusual? Like, you know, some people get such visions if they worry about, for example, getting stalked. They can see things which would appear because of fear.’ Hyuna said, pupils wide because of what Till had told her. ‘But this is way too specific.’

‘That’s what I’m saying! All of the visions are so detailed and seem to be connected to one another, as if telling some story…’ Till sighed, not sure about all of this. ‘But it can’t be someone’s memories… Right?’

‘Why not? Things happen. We know so little of the world, it might be anything.’ Hyuna shrugged, processing everything. ‘But what did Ivan say?’

‘Um… When I felt dizzy, it was really hard to regain composure, so he got worried and asked what was wrong. I explained everything briefly, but he… Ivan said that it’s not OK. He wanted to say that I should see a doctor, but I didn’t let him finish and stormed out of the train.’

‘Till, what the heck? First of all, you can’t assume what he wanted to say, you didn’t even let him finish! Secondly, it was the last train… What did you do after?’ It was getting hard for Hyuna to keep calm, she realized that these two were miscommunicating again.

‘I… I know it was wrong of me to cut him off like that…’ Till tried to hold back tears, but they started streaming down his cheeks anyway. ‘But having to deal with my unrequited feelings again… It all overlapped in m-my head, his t-tone was really cold and I-I…’

‘Hush, hush, Till, calm down…’ Hyuna reached out and hugged him. ‘Cry, if you want to. Let it go.’

Till hugged her back, hiding his face in her neck while Hyuna petted his hair. It felt nice – as if enormous weight has been lifted off his shoulders. Telling someone not only about his visions, but also about his crush…

‘Do you want to talk about it more? We can move on if it’s too much…’ Hyuna carefully asked, pulling away by a bit to scan Till’s face.

‘No, i-it’s fine… Do you think I’m insane?’ He looked back at her, sniffing and still crying a bit.

‘Insane?’ Hyuna looked really confused. ‘I mean, liking Ivan makes you a bit weird, the guy is strange, but I can see the charm.’

‘Wait, what, I meant… How did you know I had feelings for Ivan?’ Till suddenly stopped crying, looking at his friend with wide eyes as she laughed lightly.

‘You didn’t really hide it… Ivan, too, wasn’t much better, so…’

‘Ivan doesn’t like me.’ Till cut off, looking away and sighing. ‘He told me once… There is someone from his past who he swore to love forever.’

‘Well, I don’t know anything about his past, but I see the present.’ Hyuna stated, as if she was talking about something incredibly obvious. ‘He clearly likes you too.’

‘What makes you say this?’ Till was very confused, nose a bit stuffy from all the crying.

‘I mean, you two are always together. Ivan cooks for you, buys you things. I know you share bits of your unfinished music with each other, something that both of you refuse to do with anyone else.’ Hyuna pulled out her hand and started putting her fingers down, naming everything which proved her point. ‘He keeps looking really intensely at you when you won’t notice, but others will. Also, Ivan is never touchy, but he keeps clinging at you. And the list goes on.’

Till didn’t know what to say. He still couldn’t believe Ivan might like him back, not after his confession that night. It would be extremely unfair to want something from him when Ivan clearly hasn’t fully moved on, when he still had someone else in mind.

But the lack of Ivan’s presence in Till’s life, indeed, had negative effects. His insomnia came back, he was always stressed, bored and felt so alone. Before he knew it, Till got used to his company, and being without Ivan for so long felt terrible.

‘Well, let’s say you are right…’ He decided to switch the topics, as there was another problem. ‘How should I talk to him about my visions?’

‘That’s easy! Get him to sit with you and explain things to each other.’ Hyuna smiled, trying to reassure him. ‘I’m certain Ivan didn’t mean anything bad, he must’ve been really worried, just like I felt, but even worse…’

‘OK, maybe we should… But I’m scared.’ Till reluctantly agreed, getting nervous again.

‘It’s normal. You just have to remember: communication is the key to everything. Two of you have some explaining to do, so it’s better to not postpone it any longer. My heart aches when I see dark circles under your eyes, Till, you have to stop torturing yourself.’

He just had to agree, sighing once again and nodding weakly.

Chapter Text

[till] we need to talk

Till finally sent the message to Ivan and threw his phone away. His heart was beating so fast, breathing getting heavy. It was impossible to put off this conversation any longer, Till knew that very well, but he was still afraid – what if everything falls apart?

He wanted Ivan back in his life. But what if he didn’t want Till back in his?

The annoying voice in his head was telling him not to get his hopes up, but deep inside Till couldn’t help but wish for the best. After all, he was already way too attached to simply let go.

Till’s phone lit up soon, showing a new notification.

[ivan] we do

[ivan] when and where?

[till] are you home now? can i come?

[ivan] yeah, come over

Till quickly got up from his bed, not wasting time. Grabbing his keys, he stormed out of the apartment and hastily turned his key in the lock. When he was sure the door was closed, he ran towards Ivan’s apartment and rang the doorbell.

The door flew open, showing Ivan. Till looked up at him to study the other’s face. He looked… tired. It was clear that the situation between them also bothered Ivan. Till felt guilty – after all, it was him who decided to push Ivan away, not giving him a chance to speak.

‘Hi.’ Ivan quietly said, stepping away a bit to allow the other inside.

‘Hi.’ Till awkwardly nodded and decided to go in, taking off his shoes and going to the living room.

Most of the time, Ivan and Till hung out in the latter’s place. It’s not like they did it on purpose, but it led to the fact that Till was not so used to spending time in Ivan’s place. This feeling of unfamiliarity made him even more nervous than he was before.

Till looked around – despite the layout of their apartments being quite similar, Ivan’s living room was bigger than his. In any normal circumstances Till would call it spacious, but now it felt… eerily big.

He sat down on the sofa, taking peek at the TV screen which hung above it. Ivan was watching some show, having it stop in the middle of the third episode. Till looked away, getting more and more worried with each passing second.

Ivan sat next to him, not saying a word. It was clear he was waiting for Till’s explanation first.

‘I’m sorry for lashing out on you like that.’ Till started, still not looking at Ivan. ‘I overreacted and didn’t let you speak, which was wrong of me to do.’

Ivan didn’t answer right away, as if weighing out his option for a response.

‘I think we should stop talking.’ Ivan decided on saying that after a little while.

At first, Till couldn’t believe his ears. Was Ivan actually telling him to cut contact because of one misunderstanding?

‘Why?’ He didn’t understand. ‘Is this one moment enough for you to throw away all of the time we spent together?’

Till looked at Ivan, trying to figure out why he was so strict all of the sudden. His facial expression was unreadable, eyes fixed on the TV screen and lips tightly pursed.

‘It will be better off this way. I’ll make sure to explain everything to others, don’t worry about it.’

‘What’s wrong with you?!’ Till stood up from his seat and looked down at Ivan, who was still looking at the TV. ‘Why can’t you give me an explanation?! You always do this, Ivan!’

The other kept silent, but Till could hear his breathing getting heavier.

‘Please, Till, don’t make it even harder for me.’ He spoke quietly. ‘Please, let’s… let’s stop here.’

Till debated whether or not he should just comply or fight for it. Ivan was acting weird – saying such cruel things while avoiding the other’s gaze, posture so meek for someone who was insisting on cutting contact.

‘You sure like loud words, Ivan. But your actions contradict them.’ He said, making Ivan finally look up at him. ‘You look so… lost. It’s not about my visions, right?’

The look on Ivan’s face seemed to prove Till’s point. He looked defeated, eventually averting his gaze again.

‘Do I have to beg?’ Ivan asked, his voice starting to shake. ‘Just… let go of me, Till, and everything will be fine.’

Till knew how stubborn Ivan can be and he hated it. If this guy decided on something, he will do everything in his willpower to get it his way. So, this time, he made a choice for both of them and was adamant on cutting contact.

‘Stubborn, as usual.’ Till sighed and sat back, mirroring Ivan’s position and looking at the TV screen. ‘OK, I will try to be the reasonable one now.’

‘Till...’

‘This time, we will talk.’ Till didn’t let the other continue on with his pleas. ‘I need to know what makes you want to throw everything away.’

‘I’m doing it for your sake!’ Ivan turned and looked at Till, finally losing his temper. ‘If I disappear from your life, you won’t have to see any visions, you won’t have to bear the burden…’

‘What are you talking about?’ Till reached out to him, holding onto his shoulder, turning the other.

‘I… I shouldn’t have approached you in the first place. It all should’ve stayed in the past, but I couldn’t help myself…’ Ivan kept speaking, getting visibly more and more frustrated. ‘Once again, I’m ruining it for you.’

Ivan looked him in the eyes, speaking quietly.

‘Tell me, Till… What exactly did you see that time?’

‘Well…’ He wasn’t sure where to start, Ivan’s monologue confusing Till even more. ‘As I’ve told you, most of my visions are peaceful. They look like childhood memories, filled with laughter and happiness. But sometimes I see really intense images, and that time…’

He hesitated, not knowing how to approach the topic. With every word Till said, Ivan seemed to become sadder.

‘I saw myself standing on the stage, heavy rain hitting the ground. There was a mic in front of me, but I couldn’t see the crowd. But with peripheral vision I could see someone else standing next to me. Before I opened my eyes, I saw this person approach me.’

Ivan couldn’t hold back anymore, tears streaming down his cheeks. He tried to push Till away, throwing the latter’s hand from his shoulder. But Till didn’t let him, pulling him into a hug.

‘Ivan, please, don’t run away.’ He pleaded, holding the other closer.

Till put his hand on Ivan’s head, petting his hair. He could feel Ivan flinch because of suddenness of the action, but he didn’t remove his hand, touch careful and gentle.

‘I’m so sorry, Till…’ Ivan looked up at him, expression tired and sad. ‘It’s my f-fault.  It-t might b-be that you see these visions… because of me.’

‘What?’ Till froze, hand still on Ivan’s head.

‘Y-you can call me mad, but… I remember my past life. Your v-visions… They are definitely related to that…’

Till pulled away a bit to scan Ivan’s face. He couldn’t be joking, right? Ivan looked at him, eyes already red from the crying. Till’s heart ached – he didn’t want to see Ivan so sad ever again.

‘C-can you…’ Till stuttered, not sure how to respond. ‘Can you explain?’

‘I-I will try…’ He sniffed, hiding his face in Till’s shoulder again and clinging onto him. ‘Give me a moment…’

Till nodded, agreeing to wait. He kept hugging Ivan, who was breathing heavily into his shoulder.

After a couple of minutes, Ivan pulled away and sat up, sighing before starting his speech.

‘W-well… I’ve never t-told anyone much about this, so it’s kind of scary… But you deserve to know, c-considering our situation.’ Ivan fidgeted at his spot, looking away. ‘W-when I was a child, I realized that I have… weird memories? I remember asking my mom if she knew anything about aliens, human pets and Great Anakt, but instead of explaining anything, she got so scared and called for my father. He is a cynical and strict man, so he told me to forget about this nonsense. But I couldn’t… I vividly remembered something so strange, so how could I forget? Then, I realized that Sua, my cousin, was also present in these memories, so I asked her about that. She thought I was joking, annoying her and playing pretend. When I got older, I realized that it was for the best that Sua didn’t know, but it still hurt to feel so alone.’

Till nodded, attentively listening. He felt sad for Ivan – it must’ve felt terrible, being dismissed like that, having to carry this burden alone.

‘When Sua met Mizi, I got hopeful again, but she also didn’t seem to remember anything. I felt so conflicted – they met once again, getting a chance at happy ending, so I should be glad for them. It’s cute that they fell in love again, without even knowing the truth… But it still felt… unfair? Because I was the only one who remembered.’

‘Because it is unfair.’ Till agreed, reaching out and holding Ivan’s hand. ‘I’m sorry you had to feel like this, Ivan.’

‘T-thanks… I still can’t get used to how you act in this lifetime, Till.’

Till flinched, realization hitting him like a train. Now everything made sense.

‘You were my mysterious companion in these visions!’ He exclaimed, squeezing Ivan’s hand. ‘So… These are really memories from my past life…’

‘It looks like it…’ Ivan averted his gaze, voice small again. ‘But you still don’t know the whole story, right?’

‘Yeah, most of the visions were scrappy, so I just have a general idea. Can you tell me more?’

‘Sure… Well, we lived in the world where aliens took over and enslaved humans. I was sold to a really rich alien. He was… well, a good owner, I suppose? I didn’t think about that when I was alive in that world. I remember that I decided to just follow the orders to avoid trouble, so my owner allowed me a little bit more freedom than other aliens did with their pets. Still, he sent me to Anakt Garden – a school for human pets, where they were taught humanitarian subjects and practiced singing. We studied there for several years, I remember graduating with honors along with Sua. Besides that…’ Ivan got quiet for a moment. ‘They also did weird experiments on us. And then, after graduation, we participated in ‘Alien Stage’, a survival music show for human pets.’

Till wanted to know more, but as he noticed Ivan’s visible discomfort when he mentioned the experiments, he decided to go with what seemed to be a simpler question.

‘Oh, so you studied there with Sua?’

‘Yeah, it was four of us there. You, Sua, Mizi and I. I’ve heard about Luka in that world, too, but we never really met.’

‘Huh, so we all knew each other there…’

It was hard for Till to process everything. Although he was aware of the general picture, the details shocked him. The world Ivan was describing seemed dark and cruel, a nightmare to live in. To remember this life was an incredibly heavy burden, so Till was finally getting to understand why Ivan didn’t want to explain anything and was insisting so much on forgetting and letting go.

‘It’s… so sad.’ Till continued, looking at Ivan. ‘Being stripped of your human rights, treated as a pet… That doesn’t sit right with me.’

‘I know. It never did.’ Ivan weakly smiled, reminiscing over the past. ‘You were a rebellious pet, always having to wear a collar and receiving beating from your owner.’

‘What the fuck?’ Till couldn’t hold back, getting a bit heated. ‘Good for me, then. Judging from everything you’ve told me, these aliens sound like assholes!’

‘They were… But people of this era didn’t really know much besides it, so they had to get used to it. I knew that there were free people out there, but they were small in number.’

‘Did we try to run away?’ Till decided to ask, but he instantly regretted that, seeing Ivan’s expression change again. ‘Shit, sorry, I shouldn’t have…’

‘It’s fine. You don’t know the whole picture, so it’s logical that you asked that.’ Ivan sighed, looking away. ‘We tried to run away. You and I. But… you went back.’

‘What?! Am I fucking stupid?’ Till didn’t understand, complaining about his past self. ‘Why would I go back in aliens’ arms?’

‘It was… It was because of Mizi, I think.’ Ivan quietly answered, still avoiding eye contact.

So, in this other world Till also liked Mizi. It stung – given how in their reality Mizi never looked at him, Till assumed that it wasn’t any different for his other version.

‘You loved her, so you returned back in the Garden. I just followed.’ Ivan added, sighing heavily.

‘What? Why did you follow me?’ Till’s head hurt from all of the information. ‘Why didn’t you escape?’

‘Because I didn’t need that. I wanted to stay by your side, so I went back.’ Ivan shrugged, as if it was the most obvious part of the story.

‘Wait…’ Till shook his head in disbelief, having hard time understanding the dynamic. ‘Can you… Please, explain our relationship there.’

‘There’s not much to explain. Sua and Mizi were in love, you loved Mizi and I loved you.’

Till was speechless. All of the sudden, he remembered the way Ivan reacted when they met for the first time.

‘That’s why you were so scared of me this time…’ Till muttered, fidgeting on his spot. ‘I hurt you there…’

‘No!’ Ivan suddenly protested, finally looking Till in the eyes. ‘I was the one in your way. After I remembered how I died during Alien Stage, I realized how… selfish of me it was – to sacrifice myself for you, placing such a burden on you…’

‘Sacrifice? Ivan, what are you…’

‘We… We were participants of Season Fifty. Mizi and Sua sang in the First Round, and… Sua sacrificed herself. We talked about it before – I told her that it was selfish to leave Mizi behind, getting her traumatized like this, but… Eventually, I did the same. But I thought it wouldn’t affect y-you… Since y-you did-dn’t love me back…’

‘So, you did that… That’s when we sang in the rain, right?’

‘Yeah… But before I tell you about that… You have to know that at that moment Mizi was… missing. So, it took a toll on you. The moment I realized you stopped singing, I decided to sacrifice myself… I-I k-kissed you and pretended to c-choke you, so aliens could shoot me… And you would live…’

Till opened his mouth, wanting to scold Ivan, but he decided to close it and simply sigh. It was hard for him to comprehend everything at once – the other version of him seemed quite impulsive and a bit ignorant. Till knew it would be wrong to judge someone who lived in a post-apocalyptic world, struggling with his emotions and understanding others, but he was still mad at him.

He wanted to tell Ivan that maybe there was some sort of miscommunication, but the other started speaking again.

‘And e-even n-now…’ He started crying again. ‘I-I selfishly hoped you would forget everything… I-I wanted to hide everything from you and… And pretend that there’s no… No past… W-when you asked me if I liked anyone, I w-was so lost… Back then and now… I only l-loved you… When Sua and Mizi once came over to me when I was s-still studying in uni, they talked about you. They noticed how curious I got and started teasing… But I-I knew that this t-time I should stay away… When you came to t-the bar that night, I didn’t know h-how to act…’   

Till pulled Ivan in a hug again, rendering the other speechless for a moment.

‘Ivan…’ He whispered, his hold on the other getting tighter. ‘I’m sorry.’

‘Please, don’t say that…’ Ivan sobbed, trying to push the other away. ‘Till, y-you… You don’t have to do this…’

‘What if I want to?’ Till asked, whispering right into Ivan’s ear. ‘What if I’m already in love with you?’

Till could feel Ivan flinch in his hold.

‘I guess, there is no alternative for you, Ivan. You’ll have to deal with me again.’

They pulled away a bit to look each other in the eyes. Ivan weakly smiled at Till, who happily grinned in return and pulled the other into a passionate kiss.

Chapter Text

Friday came by, and Till found himself in the bar again.

Since Hyuna and Luka managed to get a bigger place, a lot of people took interest in taking part of their shows. Rumor had it, if someone managed to score themselves a performance in ‘Anakt’, they were destined to become successful.

This time, Till sat in the corner far away from the stage, listening to some stranger sing a ballad. Sipping on his cocktail, he was scrolling through the notes on his phone. After he and Ivan talked, Till haven’t seen any more visions, but he kept thinking about everything his now-boyfriend had told him about their previous life.

There were still a lot of questions left unanswered, and he doubted that’ll ever change. Till was glad he was able to share this burden with Ivan, but he couldn’t help but wish they both forgot everything. After all, despite being essentially the same people, Ivan and Till from different life were not them.

The world was different, too.

Till knew Ivan still thought that he took pity on him. That Till wanted to date him just because of the past they once shared, but didn’t fully remember.

And Till was ready to prove him wrong tonight.

The show was about to end, with Ivan being second-to-last performer of the night. The more time passed, the more he felt himself get impatient. Till even dressed up for tonight – he wore a fancy crop-top and tight jeans, eyeliner making his teal eyes stand out more than usual. At first, he wanted to go for a casual look, his go-to hoodie and a pair of wide pants, but he decided that a nice fit might help him to get what he wanted today.

When Ivan finally came up on stage, Till’s eyes went wide from shock. Ivan was wearing a leather jacket about which he kept bragging about. It nicely emphasized his arm muscles, and the black t-shirt underneath was tight on his chest. Black ripped jeans nicely finished this look, and Till realized he had been staring at the other’s thighs for a little too long. But since he sat quite away from the stage, Till didn’t really bother with being obvious.

‘You’re staring.’ A voice right next to him sat, and Till jumped on his sit. It was Luka, who was supposed to perform last, as usual.

‘You scared the fuck out of me, Luka.’ Till answered, looking away from the stage reluctantly.

‘Sorry, I thought you had seen my message.’ Luka shrugged, not affected by Till’s reaction. ‘I just wanted to check on you quickly, but, apparently, you are a bit busy…’

‘Stop teasing me. You are no better when Hyuna is performing.’ He quickly bit back, looking back at the stage.

Ivan stood in front of the mic now, seemingly looking for someone in the crowd. The music started playing – it was a song they worked on together a while ago. Till remembered how Ivan came up to him asking for help with a song that would have a bit of a rock vibe. The first draft sounded ‘way too soft’, as Ivan put it, and Till gave a few suggestions on how to make the song more brazen.

Till was excited – he didn’t expect to hear it today.

‘Oh, so you finally talked?’ Luka asked curiously, voice quiet over music.

Till nodded, gaze fixed on the stage. He knew Luka was rolling his eyes, but not that it mattered. The blonde man said something about having to go and left, to which Till just nodded again.

The song turned out really well. It was definitely not like Ivan’s usual songs – most of them were sad, filled with tragic metaphors and slow melodies to highlight the emotion. This one, however, was fierce. It had a hopeful message, one that was emphasized by his beautiful deep voice.

When the song ended, Till exhaled, realizing that he held his breath in awe. The audience cheered, some even standing up to applaud. Ivan smiled brightly and thanked the audience before leaving the stage, making room for Luka.

Till couldn’t wait anymore. He ran backstage, cocktail forgotten on the table. In the lounge behind the stage, Ivan stood quietly, leaning on the wall.

‘Ivan!’ Till called, approaching the other. ‘Your performance was amazing.’

The other looked up from his phone, surprised to see him.

‘So, you were watching.’ Ivan smirked, putting the phone away in his pocket. He looked up and if Till was more attentive, he could’ve noticed how his eyes got wider because of the other’s outfit.

‘Of course I did.’ He laughed and walked up closer, pulling Ivan in a hug.

‘Oh, someone is touchy today.’ Ivan noted, wrapping his arms around Till and bringing him closer.

‘You look so good.’ Till blurted out and pressed a kiss on the other’s neck. ‘Need to touch you, Ivan.’

‘So eager.’ Although Ivan pretended to stay calm and collected, Till could hear his breath hitch after every new kiss on his neck, arms going down to the other’s waist. ‘But you’ll have to wait a bit…’

‘Don’t want to.’ Till whispered in between the kisses, pressing closer. ‘Need it now.’

That’s when Hyuna walked in the lounge, calling Ivan.

‘Oh.’ She stopped, realization of what she just saw hitting her quickly. ‘You could’ve used any dressing room, you know.’

Till pulled away from Ivan, blushing and clearing his throat.

‘Getting shy now?’ Ivan asked, smirking again. ‘Sorry, Hyuna, we didn’t…’

‘Spare me the details. I’m just glad you are finally together.’ She smiled, not wanting to hear any more of it. ‘Anyway, Ivan, I have some news.’

Hyuna walked closer and handed him a card.

‘What is it?’ Till asked, looking at the card in Ivan’s hand. ‘Wait, a recording label?’

‘A friend of mine kept pestering me about exchanging contacts with you.’ Hyuna explained. ‘I wasn’t sure if you’d be interested, so we agreed on me giving you his business card.’

Ivan stared at the card in shock.

‘Hyuna, this is a big label… Just how big is you network of acquaintances?’

‘I’m sure it’s bigger than we can imagine.’ Till answered instead, giving Ivan a side hug.

Hyuna just chuckled.

***

They decided to go to Till’s place for tonight. With every passing minute on the train, Till could feel himself get more and more impatient. He kept subtly brushing his knee against Ivan’s, who kept ignoring Till’s antics.

‘Have you seen any more visions?’ Ivan suddenly asked, startling the other a bit.

‘Actually, no. Since the day we talked, nothing came up.’ He answered honestly, looking at Ivan. ‘I kind of miss them. I don’t miss the headaches, though.’

Ivan nodded quietly, looking away. Till used this chance to put his hand on Ivan’s thigh and move closer.

‘Till, we’re in public…’ Ivan weakly protested, but didn’t push the other’s hand away.

‘I don’t care.’ The other answered and put his head on Ivan’s shoulder, hand still on his boyfriend’s thigh. Ivan just sighed. ‘Actually, I was curious – do you plan on contacting this recording label?’

‘Well, not really.’ Ivan shrugged, not sure himself. ‘It’s a good opportunity, I know, but I still have to keep in mind that my father wants me to inherit his business, so getting caught up in the music world… I already have a lot of things to worry about.’

Till nodded, showing understanding of the other’s viewpoint.

‘Well, at least I won’t have to share you with more fans.’ Till sighed, reminded of the times when someone was trying to get with Ivan. ‘These girls in the bar who keep screaming ‘Ivan, you are so hot!’ are already annoying enough.’

‘Oh, so you are jealous?’ Ivan turned to look at him, smiling widely.

‘No!’ Till loudly protested, blushing a little bit. ‘It’s just… annoying.’

‘OK, whatever you say.’ Still smiling, Ivan looked away in order to not make Till feel any more embarrassed.  

When they finally made their way back home, Till rushed to his door and quickly opened it, dropping his keys in the process. Ivan just chuckled and followed him inside.

‘Hurry up, Ivan.’ Till commanded, going straight to his bedroom. He turned on the lights and looked back at Ivan, who was staring at him.

‘So impatient…’ He rushed to Till, making his way into the bedroom and closing the door behind. ‘But I can’t hold back anymore, too.’

Finally, they kissed. Till’s hands were on Ivan’s nape, fingers running through the other’s hair, while Ivan held him tightly by his waist.

The kiss started out slow and sensual, but it quickly grew into something more passionate, tongues dancing together. Till eventually pulled away, trying to catch his breath. Ivan looked at him with lustful gaze, running his hands down to hold onto the other’s ass.

‘You are so hot, Till.’ He said, leaning closer to kiss his boyfriend’s neck.

Till tried to keep quiet, but he couldn’t hold back a little whimper. Ivan’s breath was burning on his neck, and he could feel himself get more and more uncomfortable in his tight jeans as he got hard.

He took one of Ivan’s hands and made him lay on the bed, climbing atop.

‘I can’t wait any longer.’ Till whined, squirming and grinding his ass against Ivan’s crotch. ‘I want you so bad.’

Ivan sat up to take Till’s crop top off, grabbing onto his waist again. His hands went up and brushed against the other’s nipples. Till moaned, taking Ivan’s leather jacket and shirt off with a couple of swift motions, throwing them on the floor.

Soon, they both got undressed, and Ivan switched their positions, now on top.

‘It’s your first time, right?’ He asked, whispering right into Till’s ear, their dicks brushing against each other.

‘I-it is.’ Till reluctantly admitted, turning his head away and exposing his neck for Ivan to leave marks. ‘I tried… to prepare myself a bit today, but…’

‘Oh, so you’ve played with yourself.’ Ivan pointed out, biting him on the neck. Till hissed and grabbed onto his shoulders, trying to hold onto last bits of composure. ‘Did you do it here?’

‘Y-yes…’ Till said quietly. ‘The lube and condoms are in the drawer…’

Ivan reached for it, opening and getting everything they needed in a couple of swift motions. He poured some lube on his fingers and warmed it up a bit before sliding two fingers inside.

Till moaned, not expecting to get so much at once.

‘Ugh, you are really tight.’ Ivan said, moving his fingers carefully. ‘We’ll need some time to get you ready for my cock.’

Blushing, Till grinded back on Ivan’s fingers, hands roaming over his back. This felt better than when Till tried to do it himself. Maybe, he chose a wrong pose, but his fingers didn’t really reach the right spots. However, when Ivan was doing it, everything felt a thousand times better.

‘S-stop saying such shameful things. Do you enjoy making me embarrassed?’ Till asked, breathing getting heavy as Ivan added a third finger.

‘I’m just stating a fact.’ Ivan kept working his fingers inside and finally managed to hit the most sensitive spot. Till shuddered and moaned, eyes rolling back a bit.

‘I-Ivan, s-slow down.’ He pleaded, grabbing onto the other’s arm. Obeying, Ivan stopped and looked at Till with concern.

‘Does it hurt?’

‘N-no, it’s just… a lot.’ Till breathed out and raised his hand to grab onto Ivan’s neck, pulling him in a slow kiss. Ivan’s other hand made its’ way on the other’s cheek, softly caressing it.

When they pulled apart, Till asked Ivan to continue, to which the latter happily complied.

‘I’m ready.’ Till said a minute later, clearly impatient. ‘Come on, Ivan.’

‘You are so eager. Do you want to be filled so bad?’ Ivan smirked, pulling his fingers out and shamelessly staring at Till’s body.

‘Stop staring!’ Till pushed his hand down, hiding himself. He brushed over his length and realized how painfully hard he was, which made him squirm in his place.

‘But you are so pretty, Till. Everything about you is so perfect.’ Ivan said, looking up. ‘I can’t take my eyes off of you.’

Turning dark red, Till decided to pay Ivan back a bit. He grabbed onto the other’s length and gave it a painfully slow stroke, making his boyfriend moan.

Ivan pulled Till’s hand away and reached for the condom, but Till stopped him.

‘Wait, maybe… We can try it without a condom?’

Ivan stared at the other in disbelief.

‘Are you sure?’ He cleared his throat, still holding onto the little square package.

‘Yes. I want to be as close to you as it is only possible, Ivan.’ Till took the package out of Ivan’s hand and cupped the other’s face. ‘I want you to feel how much I need you.’

Till hoped that he managed to deliver his emotions through the words and, judging by Ivan’s reaction, he succeeded. His boyfriend pushed him down on the bed so he could be on top again.

‘How do you always manage to make me lose my mind?’ Ivan whispered in Till’s ear, giving it a little lick.

‘I’d like to ask you the same thing.’ He bit back, grabbing on Ivan’s shoulders as he felt the other’s dick slowly enter.

Till moaned loudly as Ivan slowly pushed in, stopping halfway through to let him adjust.

‘More.’ Whining, Till tried to grind back onto Ivan’s dick, nails digging into the skin of his lover’s back. ‘I-it’s not enough.’

‘Wait, it’s hard to move when you are so tight.’ Ivan hissed and pulled back a bit, only to try go deeper a few seconds later. ‘Fu-uck, you are squeezing me so nicely, Till.’

‘Don’t hold back.’ Till demanded and pulled Ivan into the kiss. He pulled on the other’s hair, making his boyfriend growl into the kiss.

Ivan grabbed Till’s thighs and started picking up on a faster pace. Till moaned louder as the other’s dick started hitting the prostate.

‘Ngh, I-Ivan, s-so deep…’ He whined, scratching Ivan’s back.

‘I’m losing my mind.’ Ivan whispered, pulling Till’s legs apart so he could go deeper. ‘So hot and tight, all for me?’

‘Y-yeah, for you. I-I’m yours, Ivan…’ Till panted, not knowing what to do. The sensation was driving him crazy, his lover’s dick kept hitting the right stop, so Till couldn’t stop moaning.

As Ivan kept pounding him, Till felt himself getting closer to release. In the haze of moment, he tried to reach for his dick to jerk off a bit, but Ivan grabbed his hand and withdrew it away.

‘No touching.’ He warned, looking Till in the eyes. ‘You’ll come from my cock only.’

‘B-but I’m so close…’ Till whined when Ivan held his hand, fingers intertwined. ‘I want to come, Ivan.’

‘No.’ Ivan looked down at his dick, red from neglect and leaking actively. ‘Wait for me.’

Then, his thrusts picked up an even faster rhythm, one hand still in Till’s and the other on his waist. Ivan was panting, not that far from his own release.

‘T-Till, can I…?’ He asked, looking at his disheveled lover.

‘C-come inside, please.’ Till begged, ready to cry from the overwhelming sensation. ‘Please, Ivan…’

Then, Ivan thrusted forward for the last time and came inside, growling in Till’s ear. His lover shook underneath him, reaching his climax with an obscene moan.

‘F-fu-uck!’ Till cried, shaking and trying to pull Ivan closer.

 ‘So good for me.’ Ivan kissed him on the cheek while slowly pulling out. He watched as his cum was dripping out and felt himself grow hard again. ‘Fuck, so hot. Wish I had a plug or something.’

Before Till could react to that, he felt Ivan’s fingers push their way again into his overstimulated hole. He tried to push the leaking cum back, and the motion made Till shudder.

‘Ngh, I-Ivan…’ Feeling exhausted, he couldn’t really protest. ‘Let’s r-rest a bit.’

Ivan took the hint and drew his hand away.

‘This was so good.’ He said, looking at Till affectionately. His eyeliner got smudged from the tears, hair messy and mouth slightly open. Ivan leaned closer and kissed him on the cheek.

‘Yeah…’ Till answered, getting drowsy. ‘Thank you, Ivan.’

‘What for?’

‘For everything…’ He turned to face Ivan and pulled him into another passionate kiss.