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Chapter Text

You never forget the feeling of falling. The body is hardwired to remember it. Even falling asleep, the body remembers. It sends a jolt through the body, of one moment lying in bed and the next you jerk, your spine stiffens and your head spins, your eyes snap open and your eyes focus on the blankets on your bed and you realize you hadn’t even quite fallen asleep yet.

James felt warm, but that was odd. He swore he had left the window open to let some fresh air into their stuffy dorm, besides, he could feel the breeze in his hair.  

The feeling hit him. 

James’s body jerked, his eyes snapped open, but the feeling of falling still remained. He saw red, but it wasn’t the warm plush blankets of the Gryffindor tower dorms. 

He was falling, and something red was stinging in his eyes. 

Maybe he was asleep, he did feel like he was dreaming. 

But the falling felt real. It was too real. 

The feeling hit him again- no, he hit something?

He was still falling? 

It was real. 

“James!” 

Something was wrong. 

—--~ James Potter 

Getting on the train in his fifth year was more intimidating than he had originally suspected it to be. The buzz of O.W.L.S. and prefects filled the cabins, the new suspense on the Quidditch cup. 

He pulled his bags behind him, having said his goodbyes to his parents on the platform. He tried to make them quick. He knew his parents were worried. He was okay, he was going to be ok. He was also worried, but he didn’t want to focus on it. If he focused on it too much, he could feel the floor go out from under his feet. 

He made his way to their typical car. He hadn’t heard much of anything from Sirius over the summer, which was typical, but there was always an anxiety coming back that his lack of letters was from something more than just his mother saying ‘no.' to the writing. 

He had written Sirius, Sirius had made him promise. Even if he couldn’t reply, he wanted to make sure James was alright. He said their letters kept him sane. He said it like it was a joke, but the other three boys knew it really wasn’t. 

James usually came with Peter, having known him for the longest and growing up a few houses down from him, but this year he had spent the summer in Rome and they had to arrive separately to the station.

For the first time since first year, James walked into an empty car. He stacked his suitcases at the top, and sat down, leg bouncing as he waited for his friends. Remus was usually pretty early, and he was pretty sure the next moon wasn’t for a couple of weeks yet. 

He was starting to think he had come to the wrong car, when he was startled by a pair of familiar grey eyes and a sharp toothed smile jumping suddenly on the glass of the car. Sirius smiled wildly, sticking his tongue out and dragging it up, licking the glass, both hands on the pane. 

James pretended to gag, and Sirius laughed and came in, wheeling in his own ornate trunk behind him. 

“My frère” He announced lovingly, shoving his trunk next to James at the top. 

“Hey, mate.” James smiled, there was a release of relief in his chest when he had seen Sirius. 

“How’ve you been?” Sirius asked, taking the seat on the bench across from him. James watched as Sirius’s eyes scanned him from top to bottom, and then bottom to top. It made him feel a little uneasy, but he couldn’t help but do the same.

Sirius’s eyes were a little less silver, and a little more grey. His hair seemed thinner, as well as his cheeks. But in typical Sirius fashion, it looked good on him, rugged, like the muggle rockstars he hung in their dorms where the pictures didn’t move. 

“I’ve been good, break was good.” James said, wanting to move on and face the new year as an actual new start. “How about you? I hope you got my letters.” 

“I did,” Sirius reassured him. “And I’m good, I have a feeling Maman’s giving up on me, she practically ignored me all break.” Sirius sighed happily, looking out the car window into the hallway. 

“Did you hear from Remus?” He asked James. James nodded. 

“Only two letters I believe, but he seemed well.” 

“Same.” 

Sirius seemed distracted, still peering out of their car. James raised an eyebrow. 

“What’s got your mind?” He asked. Sirius only hummed in reply. James grinned, the gap between his teeth showing proudly. 

“Moony’s late, huh?” He asked, watching Sirius. Sirius’s eyes flicked to him, then back out of the car, then back to James. He sighed, then sat back in his seat, no longer staring out the door. 

“Yeah, just wondering if I’d see him is all.” Sirius grumbled. “Quit your grinnin’” 

James chuckled. He looked out the window at the station, watching as students scrambled, Hagrid with the first years, people saying goodbyes, he could feel the buzz of excitement.

He saw Marlene dragging her bags, and opened the window. 

“ Marls!”  He shouted, she looked around confused, looking for where the voice had come from. Her blonde hair had gotten choppier since before break. 

“ Here!” He shouted again, Sirius came up beside him. 

“ You ain’t that blonde!” Sirius yelled, at that, she swivelled to the train and saw them leaning out. Her eyes lit up and her smile beamed, 

“ My best Blokes!” She shouted, waving, “James look!” She turned, grabbing a long case from next to her trunk. “Nimbus 360!” 

She held the case up, showing the duo from the platform. 

James’s smile faltered for a moment, and he wasn’t sure if it was guilt or if something he had eaten was wrong, but something in his stomach twisted. 

“Beautiful!” Sirius spoke up for him. James cleared his throat. 

“That’s blo- bloody brilliant!” James stuttered. Damn. Even after months of speech therapy, he couldn’t hide a stutter when he was nervous. He could feel Sirius’s eyes flicker over to him. 

“I know right?” She shouted. “I gotta load my stuff! I’ll see you at sorting!” She shouted sing-songy, before dragging her trunks towards the carriage doors. 

James sat back in his seat, Sirius shut the window. That twist in his gut moved to his chest, making him feel hot. 

“It’s a stunning broom,” Sirius tried, nervously. “It'll be ‘specially good for her as a beater, I heard the 360 can-” 

“Can wuh- we not?” James snapped, loosening his tie. “Sorry.” He added quickly, noticing the way Sirius’s chin twitched. 

“Yeah, sorry mate.” He apologized. There was a knock at the door, perfect timing. He thought, looking to see who was there. 

Maybe it wasn’t perfect timing, he could see the nose before the rest of him. 

“Snivellus.” Sirius greeted. “How lovely to smell you on this fine day.” he raised his nose. 

“I was just stopping by to see if your friend had gotten to the right carriage, seeing as you two are still pitifully alone, I’d assume so.” he said nasally. 

“Wuzzat supposed to mean?” James asked, shifting to make himself seem confident, despite still feeling a bit too hot. 

“Severus, what are you telling these boys?” A sweet voice came from somewhere else beyond the door, a pale face with long red hair came into view. 

Lily. 

Lily Evans, with a prefect badge. 

“Oh, Hey Lily.” James said, ignoring Snape. “Congrats on the badge,”

“Thank you!” She smiled and suddenly the hotness in his throat melted into a comforting warmth. Snape rolled his eyes. 

“I still want to know what this greasy git meant.” Sirius quarreled. Snape grinned. Lily rolled her eyes. 

“Remus!” She shouted, James and Sirius exchanged glances. 

In a moment, they saw a mess of mousey brown hair come into view. Remus had gotten even taller since last year, and neither of the boys could help but notice the matching silver badge, except instead of wearing his, he was holding it proudly, still in the case. 

“You bloody bastard, you’re a prefect?” Sirius’s jaw dropped. 

“Merlin, Remus, that’s incredible!” James beamed, full of pride for his friend. Then something dawned on him. 

“You have to sit in the prefect’s carriage, don’t you?” He said. Remus nodded. 

“Aye, I’m sorry, but duty calls.” His Welsh accent just as thick as ever. Sirius had bolted up, dramatically and theatrically shoving Snape out of the way, who was going to reach for his wand, but Lily snatched it out of his hand. 

“Remus John Lupin.” Sirius said, planting both of his hands on Remus’s tall shoulders. He kissed the boy on each of his scarred cheeks. “You’re a bloody traitor but I’m proud.” 

James laughed, Remus giggled, even Lily smiled while rolling her eyes and dragging Severus like a scolded child behind her. 

“Just make sure you’re in our car before the train starts!” She shouted back, letting them have their moment together before they had to start on their prefect duties. 

“Why didn’t you say anything?” James asked, bewildered but excited at the opportunity for his friend. He could tell how much this meant to Remus. 

“I wanted it to be surprise, some good news, like a good omen for the new year.” He explained, as they all sat down in the car together. “I can’t stay long, but I had to come by, err-” He held the box out for them to see. 

“It’s silver?” Sirius asked. 

“Yeah…” Remus sighed. “So one of you needs to pin it on for me.” 

“Well I can help with that!” Another voice piped up from the door. 

“Pete!” All three exclaimed, excited. 

“How was Rome?” Remus asked. “I’ve been so curious.” 

“It was amazing, I’ve got so many pictures.” He said, pulling his trunk in and pushing it under the seat. “They’re all packed away now, but I’ll show you tonight.” 

“Congrats, Remus!” He added, finally sitting down. His face was tanner, his hair was a bit lighter, but his cheeks were still rosy and his uniform still rumpled. 

“Thanks!” Remus thanked him. 

“Lemme see the badge.” He held his hand out, Remus handed it to him. He took it out of the box and held it in his hand. He muttered some transfiguration spell, and he held it back out for Remus to take. 

“Err, I can’t.” He said nervously. 

“Yeah, you can, it’s tin now. It just looks the same!” Peter explained. A grin crept onto Remus’s face. 

“Really?” he asked, taking it cautiously, he turned it over in his palm, it didn’t burn. “Mate, that's brilliant! Thank you!” 

“You gotta show me how to do that.” Sirius’s eyes widened, taking the badge from Remus and pinning it on his robes. Remus ignored the fact he didn’t technically need the help anymore. “Some of my rings are silver and I can’t wear them ‘round Remus.” Sirius explained. Pete nodded. 

“I’ll show you that tonight too!” He beamed. “I met so many brilliant wizards, oh, Merlin, James you’re going to freak when I tell you who I met.” 

James cocked his head. 

“Mullipher Nexot.” He said deviously. 

Mullipher had been James’s favorite Chaser on the Chudley Cannons, he was an Italian player but played all over. Normally, he’d flip out, jump up and down, and scream profanities about the cruel unfairness of the world, but now all he felt was a bit surprised. 

“Wow, mate!” He started, “That’s incredible!” 

“Yeah,” Pete said, having expected a more intense reaction. Well, they all were. Pete and Marlene had both been hoping to get him excited about quidditch, they all could tell that since last year…

The train started moving, the awkward silence that had followed the interaction turned into a slight panic from Remus. 

“Oh, shite lads, I’ve got to hurry!” He quickly got up, and hurried out. “Wish me luck!” He said. 

“Luck!” They shouted back. 

James turned his gaze to the window. 

Hopefully quidditch was going to elude the rest of the conversations on the way to Hogwarts. 

It was a new year, a new chance. 

It’d just be weird, his first year without quidditch.

-----

Chapter Text

—----~ James Potter 

Arriving was fine, sorting was fine, even dinner he managed to get by avoiding conversations about Quidditch. 

As soon as they got back to the Gryffindor common rooms however, the buzz of the upcoming season was unavoidable. Last season had ended abruptly, and they had cancelled the Quidditch cup. 

Which only gave this season higher stakes. 

Marlene had been showing off her broom to everyone- and rightfully so, it was beautiful. 

James couldn’t help but feel a little guilty about ignoring her as she tried catching his attention on his way up the stairs. She was so excited to show him how cool the handle was and how quick it was at turns. 

It was a brilliant broom for a beater, especially for a beater as incredible as her. In fact, if it weren’t for her quick reflexes- 

He didn’t want to think about that. 

The crack of a beater bat. 

The crack didn’t quite sound the same. 

But he couldn’t deal with that, not at the moment. He just wanted to get back up to his room, find his bed, and relax. O.W.L.s were this year, so of all years to quit quidditch, this would be the right one. There were other priorities, like classes coming up. 

Excuses.  

He had heard things from his parents as well. Overheard things would be a better way to describe it. Whispers of movement from the dark world had been stirring, Voldemort was still rising to power, and he seemed like he had started to become a real threat and not just some wishy-washy poster child for dark magic. 

Merlin, who was he kidding, he still thought about Quidditch. So he turned to another distraction- his friends. 

James wondered why Sirius’s under-eyes were seeming so dark. 

He was curious about Peter’s trip.

Will Remus being a prefect affect their pranks?

Opening the heavy door to the dormitories felt like a mixture of relief and reminders. The air was a bit stale, obviously because it hadn’t been lived in for months. All of their belongings had been brought up, and James didn’t think he could be happier at the sight of his bed. 

He fell back onto it with a sigh, fingertips running over the plush red velvet duvet and wood bedposts. 

There were so many things, he couldn’t stop thinking. He was avoiding it all too, all of his friends were still down in the common room, having fun, laughing, thinking about all the exciting things that come with being a fifth year. 

He grabbed a pillow and pulled it over his face. 

He felt guilty, and he pitied himself. Why couldn’t he just go have fun? Was it seriously all because he avoided the idea of quidditch? 

Why was he so bloody scared of even the conversation? 

There was a knock on the doorframe that snapped him out of his pathetic self pity. It was probably Sirius coming to drag him down- and respectfully, he was not in the mood. His body buzzed at the idea, and not in a good way. 

“Wuzzit?” He asked, muffled through the pillow. His bed sank, and the pillow was pried from his face, leaving his glasses askew on his forehead. “What do you want?” He sighed, frustrated, not opening his eyes, and dropping his arms dramatically to the sides. His arm hit a leg next to him. 

“I want to know why you’re up here sulking.” A flowery voice said. His eyes shot open, and his ears burned. Pulling his arm back quickly, he scrambled to sit up in his bed, awkwardly adjusting his robes and clearing his throat. 

“I’m not sulking.” He said, voice cracking slightly. 

How embarrassing, Lily Evans of all people came to watch him be pitiful. 

“You’re sulking.” She stated. “I’m a prefect now, it’s my job to make sure everyone’s ok.” She tossed some of her red locks over her shoulder. 

She was wearing a Gryffindor jumper, but it was slightly big on her, stretched out from wearing it over her robes in the cold, so it sagged on her shoulder, ever so slightly displaying the beautiful array of freckles on her collarbone. She had her knees pulled up to her chest.

“Remus is a prefect too,” He argued. She had no reason to be up here. Lily giggled. 

“That he is.” She smiled, her green eyes met his, and he suddenly wished they were something more interesting to look at than his own bespectacled brown. 

“Well I’m not sulking.” He insisted, searching for the word. The old bed frame squeaked as he sat up dusting himself off, looking around awkwardly. “I was just- resting my eyes.” He settled on.

He could’ve come up with something better. 

“Well in that case, are they rested enough to come down?” She asked, gazing at him. “It’s the first night of the new year, just come say hi for a moment.” 

James hesitated. He wanted to- so badly he wanted to. It was just that- 

“Marlene put her broom away.” Lily said. James swallowed, he felt embarrassed. Maybe it was shame, it was hard to tell. He clenched and unclenched his hands with nerves. When did they start to sweat?

“I don- don-” He tried, he waved his hands in dismissal. He huffed, getting frustrated. “I don’t care about the broom.” He said. It sounded a bit angry. Lily didn’t seem phased though, she did however, get up.

“Just saying.” She started, standing and walking back over to the door. 

Wait- come back- He thought. He shouldn’t have been so rude. 

“We all want you down there.” She said, giving one last glance before leaving, there was a smile on her face, and James could see it. 

Pity. 

The door shut behind Lily and James suddenly didn’t want to be alone anymore. 

Shit. 

James sat back down on his bed and put his head in his hands. He rubbed his face under his glasses, then pushed them back up on his nose. He stared at the floor in front of him. 

All he was doing was embarrassing himself, it was ridiculous. He wanted to go downstairs and see everyone, he really did. 

He felt fragile, he could tell everyone was walking on eggshells around him. “ She put her broom away.”  

Yeah, yeah, whatever. He didn’t care about some stupid broom, a broom held no power over him. 

It’s not like he hadn’t been on a broom since last year, he had. 

Well, for about thirty seconds. He had gotten his feet off of the ground before he lost his ability to breathe and needed solid ground. 

He missed how good flying made him feel, without flying, he had no outlet. On a broom he could go faster than his thoughts. But now, all of his thoughts were on flying around the room like the snitch. 

He missed his friends, and he knows they miss him, and while his summer for him was excruciating, full of recovery and trying to get over stupid new fears, he knew his friends were worried and wanted to know how he had been doing. 

He had consistently ignored their letters, and he was frustrated with himself. 

There was another knock on the door. 

“Lily, listen, I’ll be down in a bit.” He sighed. 

“Lily? You really think I could pull off red hair?” Sirius’s voice quipped. James groaned and flopped backwards in his bed. 

“I’m sorry, she was just up here.” He said, turning to face his dark haired friend. 

“Yeah, Remus offered to come up but she volunteered.” Sirius smiled, coming in from the doorway and strutting over to James’ bed. He sat down next to him and leaned against the bedpost, crossing his arms and throwing his legs over James’s lap.

“Come down.” He told him. 

James just stared at him. 

“Come on.” Sirius pleaded. “Please?” 

James just kept staring. 

“If you don’t come down I’m sending Lily back up.” Sirius threatened. James raised an eyebrow. 

“That doesn’t seem so bad.” He said, “You’re bad at bribes.” 

“I’ll send Lily back up with Remus.” Sirius crossed his arms tight, and grinned. “I’ll claim a wellness check and they’ll force you to come down and talk to the lot of us.” 

James wanted to throw up.

“You missed us just as much as we you, now are you gonna break an old dog's heart?” He dramatically put his hand over his chest and leaned closer, the silver glinted in his eyes. 

Fuck.

“Fine.” James said. “You’re a bastard.” 

Sirius jumped up, pumping his fists. 

“Come on, mate, Pete’s been absolutely dying to tell us about his trip and he won't without you there.” Sirius rambled, grabbing James by the arm and pulling him up quickly. 

He followed, but couldn’t help the feeling in his gut.

He was going to be in over his head this year, but he had to get over it. 

He had to get over it. 

He had to. 

Chapter Text

-----~ Lily Evans 

After coming back downstairs, Lily flopped herself in one of the cushy armchairs by the fireplace. 

“Would he not come?” Remus asked from his spot on the floor by the fireplace. Lily shook her head. 

“That’s it.” Sirius sighed, standing up from his own seat, and heading up the stairs. He’d handle it, if she couldn’t get James down- Sirius could.  She sighed, and sank deeper into the chair. 

Lily picked at her nails, she pulled her legs up on the seat and had made herself rather small. She had a tendency to do that when she was nervous. 

She didn’t know why she was nervous, but she had taken a certain responsibility on herself of making sure everyone in Gryffindor was ok. She had hoped by going up herself, James would come down. 

It wasn’t a secret per se that James was head over heels for her. He had been since first year, and after years of annoying her, she had discovered that she had maybe been too harsh. She thought of him as egotistical, cocky, kind of an asshole.

He was narcissistic at times, well, him and Sirius both. And their antics were always trouble. He seemed like he was emotionally stunted, did things recklessly, like he didn’t think. 

He had even gained the nickname of “Perfect Potter” by the end of their second year, after becoming the first second year chaser to be a starter and average 90 points a game. 

Out of all of the “Marauders” as they called themselves, the only ones she found tolerable had been Peter and Remus. Peter was her partner in Herbology, and Remus in potions, and quickly, she had become their friends. 

She had figured out Remus’s “furry little secret” rather quickly, it wasn’t hard when you actually pay attention. Although, at first, she thought maybe it had been another type of monthly cycle, but she quickly dismissed that thought seeing as it was specifically the full moon, and he would completely disappear, and always end up sickly in the hospital wing afterwards. She wound up cornering him one day and asking. Granted, that wasn’t the best way, but she was more of a “Let’s not beat around the bush” type of girl. 

After that, she and Remus had gotten close, and she didn’t necessarily hide her rolling eyes and the scoffs that she instinctively did when James’ name was brought up. Remus tried to convince her that James wasn’t all that bad, but she didn’t quite believe him. She was also an “I need to see it to believe it” type of girl, and as much as she saw, James was show-ey, arrogant, and full of himself. 

Besides, her best friend hated him. She knew Severus her entire life, and she knew he was an arse, but he was her friend, and they were close. Potter’s torments were always hurtful, and had taken things too far at times. Which was something Lily wasn’t quick to simply forgive and forget. 

She had always been rude to James and shut off. 

But something had changed her perspective a bit, around the end of third year. 

—---- third year----

She had been studying for hours in the library, her eyes were dry and sore. She was literally holding them open, tiredness ached through her body. It was late, only a few people in the library were left, even Remus had left a few hours earlier, needing to go lie down after gaining a rather nasty headache. 

She could feel herself nodding off, she knew if she didn’t leave soon she’d fall asleep right there in the library. She jolted awake with the sound of a crash at the door of the library. She sleepily looked up, confused. James Potter was cringing, trying to pick up a stack of books he had accidentally knocked over, whispering apologies to the students around him who were hissing and TSK’ing at him to be quiet. She rolled her eyes, and focused back on the work in front of her. She had to pack it up. 

She closed her books, packed up her quills, and sighed. She didn’t want to make the trek all the way back up to Gryffindor tower. She put her face in her hands and sighed. 

“Psst, Evans.” A voice whispered. She looked up, and found herself only a few inches away from James Potter’s crooked glasses. She jumped back, and squeaked.  

“You scared me!” She hissed. 

“I’m sorry, didn’t mean to, ‘dyo know what time Remus left?” He leaned back, sitting down in the chair next to her. She noticed his hands fidgeting in his lap, he was picking at his nails and his knee was bouncing. He was anxious. 

“Uhm,” She was a bit confused. James looked worried. Was something wrong? 

“I know you hate me, but I know you were studying together, and I just need to know.” He said, an urgency in his whispers. 

“A few hours ago, maybe like 6?” She answered. James cursed, looking around the library. 

“What’s going on?” She asked. James bounced his leg harder, and started biting his nails. 

“He never came back to the dorms, and we’re worried.” He said. “Pete’s checking the classrooms, Sirius went straight to the hospital wing, but he was s’posed to be back.” He was looking around the library again, craning his neck to see if he could see him in any of the isles. 

“He never came back?” She asked, suddenly awake. James just shook his head quickly, and pushed his glasses back up on his nose. 

“Well, he did have a headache earlier, so he might’ve just gone straight to the hospital wing.” She said, trying to find an explanation. 

“He had a headache?” James asked, “He wasn’t feelin’ well?” His brown eyes were huge with worry. Lily nodded. James started counting something on his fingers, he reached 7 and recounted. 

“The next moon isn’t for a week.” Lily blurted, she quickly slapped her hands over her mouth. James looked at her horrified. 

“You- he- what?” James asked, dumbfounded. His jaw was dropped, and Lily noticed that there was a gap between his two front teeth. 

“I figured it out, he didn’t tell me.” She said. She also knew that James, Sirius, and Pete all knew about Remus’s moonlight escapades as well. 

“Right, well,” James thought for a moment. “I gotta go- uh- I gotta find him.” He quickly shot up from his seat and bolted out of the library. Lily took a second, before grabbing her things and chasing after him. 

He was fast. 

She caught up to him, and grabbed his shoulder, stopping him in his tracks. 

“James!” She said, “ Wait !” He stopped, and turned around, and Lily stopped, shocked. 

James was crying. 

Not hard, but his eyes were watery and his chin was quivering. 

“We gotta find him, Lily.” He said, wiping at his face, his glasses skewed on his nose. “Someone’s gonna do something to him, he- he-” James took a deep breath in. “He just gets so ill sometimes,” 

Lily was in complete shock at what was happening in front of her. This was not the James Potter she knew. She felt guilt in her stomach for always being so harsh on him, he wasn’t self centered, he clearly wasn’t a narcissist, otherwise he wouldn’t be so scared. 

And he hadn’t just called her Evans.  

“We’ll find him.” Was all she said. “And he’ll be ok.” She grabbed James’s wrist, and tugged him along. 

They wound up at the Hospital wing, where Madam Pomfrey had told them that they had just missed Remus and Sirius, and that Remus was ok. 

Lily couldn’t stop thinking about what she had seen. Maybe there was something more to James “perfect” Potter after all. 

—----------

Which is why now, sitting on the couch in the common room, she stayed nervous. 

His entire demeanor had changed after fourth year. There wasn’t anybody in Hogwarts who couldn’t see it. 

There wasn’t anybody in Hogwarts who didn’t know what had happened to him. 

There wasn’t anybody at Hogwarts that hadn’t seen it happen. 

All of them were together in the common room, Remus, Peter, Mary, Marlene, even Dorcas had gotten in from Slytherin, it was the first night of fifth year, and they all had lots of catching up to do. 

Sirius came down the stairs a moment later, dragging a pale James behind him. He pushed James into the couch, sat next to him, and threw his lanky legs over him, sprawling backwards, putting his hands behind his head. James tried to settle and be comfortable, leaning back.

Lily couldn’t help but watch him as he did so, but she did feel like she could’ve helped how she watched him shift his hips up to get comfortable, and put his one arm around the back of the couch. She could've helped it, but she didn’t necessarily want to. 

“ Finally!” Pete said from a table a ways away. He gathered a bunch of papers and pictures in his arms and ran over to the couches. She watched as James smiled, and his gap tooth flashed, and she felt herself relax a bit. 

“I’ve got to tell you everything- I even think I’m closer to finding that damn cologne.” Peter continued, scooting over to where James was on the couch and showing him all the pictures. James was biting his nails, but nodding along, and he was smiling. 

Maybe he’d bounce back. Maybe she was being paranoid, nothing ever kept James down for that long. 

She watched him pick his fingers, choose his words wisely, think carefully and speak slowly, and how he avoided questions about his own summer. She watched how his fingers found the back of his head, fingers twirling his hair, his other hand to his lips, nails being bitten down, how his knee bounced, he still had the same nervous habits. 

The night went on, the conversations continued, and James seemed to have relaxed, the energy was light, it was warm, it crackled with the fireplace. 

“What about you, Lils?” She heard, she snapped out of her thoughts to find who had spoken. 

It was Remus, who had gone from his spot on a chair to sprawled out laying in front of the fireplace, his tall lanky arms stretching above his head. After growing a significant amount over the summer, his jumper sleeves were too short and only reached his forearms, and as he stretched it rose above his hips, revealing his midsection a bit- which he then pulled down, smiling sarcastically as Dorcas whistled at him jokingly from the couch. 

“What? Sorry, I was spacing out.” She asked. 

“Are you ready for O.W.L.S.?” Remus clarified. 

“Oh! Not really, but I’ll get there I think.” She sighed. 

Music hummed on one of Sirius’s records in the background, they talked for hours more, memories creeping deep into the night. 

“I’ve got some great ideas for some pranks this year.” Lily heard Sirius whisper to James, who only nodded and hummed in response. His eyes were starting to drift, and he had taken his glasses off and was resting the side of his head on Sirius’s shoulder, who had gone from draping himself over James to sitting up next to him at some point through the night. He had gained his color back from when he had first come downstairs, and his dark curls had fallen into his eyes. They weren’t as dark or long as Sirius’s, but they fell right above his eyebrows and over his ears. 

He had always kept his hair messy, despite his father inventing that potion to make hair more tame. He said he liked it that way, although it looked a bit ridiculous at times. It had grown on Lily. 

Eventually sleep started to ebb its way into everyone’s minds. 

Marlene had walked Dorcas down, and when she got back they all had decided to wrap it up for the night. Classes started the next day, and Lily and Remus had to be up extra early for prefect duties. 

She watched Sirius and James go up the stairs to their dormitories, and only started off after she had lost sight of them. 

“He’ll be alright.” Remus said from behind her. 

“I know, I’m just worried.” She replied. 

“Me too.” Was all Remus replied with. 

They went their separate ways. 

They’d all have to just wait and see. 

—- 

Chapter Text

-------~ Sirius Black

It had been a nice night, truly. But Sirius knew better. He knew. James still wasn’t back to normal. 

“James.” Sirius’s eyes lingered on the back of James’s head. The two boys had reached the dormitory door, pausing in the hallway. 

There was hesitance in his voice, it felt uneasy. Why was he hesitant? 

James turned around from the door and looked at Sirius, he noted how tired James looked. How his dark complexion was darker under his eyes, but his lips were pale. He looked uncomfortable, he looked drained, almost sick. 

“Are you sure you’ve been alright?” He asked, licking his lips nervously, shifting his weight between his feet. James’s eyebrows furrowed for a moment, brief confusion flashing across his face. 

“Yeah- Yeah- mate.” He stuttered, repeating his first word. “I’m just tired.” Was his explanation. 

Sirius knew he was lying, he had just never had to dig for James. He and Remus told each other things, it was easy to know what Pete was feeling. But he had to pull teeth to get James to admit things he didn’t want to. 

He knew how to comfort Remus, he knew how to comfort Peter, even Mary he knew how to comfort. But he never had to comfort James. 

James always comforted him. 

He could call Remus out on lying- Remus was a nervous person. He could call Peter out, because Peter caved under pressure. 

But James was confident, James was brazen and bold. James was dangerously clever, he was able to hyperfocus in conversation and exactly know what to say to sway a person. James gave him another encouraging smile, and turned back to the door. 

Sirius knew there was something more, he had to get this. James wouldn’t stop with him. 

“You’re not though.” He blurted, his own hand reaching for James’s shoulder. It startled him, and he flinched. James’s flinch made Sirius pull his hand away quickly. 

James' face was odd- not quite readable for Sirius. He looked confused, scared, called out, a bit offended. 

“I’m good, Sirius.” James repeated after a moment. His face was oddly calm, it made Sirius on edge, there were few people he couldn’t read.  “I’m just tired.” 

“I know there’s more, Prongs.” Sirius insisted, James’s hand falling from the doorknob, facing Sirius again. James’s eyes got more focused, pausing before he spoke again, focusing on his words so they were accurate. 

“Of course there’s more.” James said quietly, his left eye twitching. His lips opened to a grin. “I’m just nervous about classes starting and O.W.L.s coming up.” He said slowly, spacing his words. 

Sirius didn’t know how to reply. He knew James was lying. 

Say something, Sirius. He told himself. 

“Seriously, mate, but I appreciate it.” He opened the door, still facing Sirius. “I know you have my back.” He smiled again. “I’m getting to bed though.” His voice shifted to how it normally was- confident. “Classes tomorrow!” 

It wasn’t oddly chilling, it wasn’t unreadable, it was blatantly and un-identifiably normal. In a moment of panic, he reached out. 

“James-” He wrapped his fingers around James's forearm. James flinched back- hard, pulling his arm away quickly, almost making Sirius fall. He whined and huffed like a startled deer. His eyes were wide and scared. 

“Leave it.” James hissed. His eyes squinted, and Sirius’s chest sank when he saw there was wetness forming on his waterline. He heard Remus and Peter’s footsteps coming up behind him. Sirius watched his breath hitch. 

“I’m sorry,” He offered, playing with his hands. “I’m just worri-” 

“ I said leave it.” James snapped, raising his voice slightly, cracking under the obvious threat of tears. He leaned in close to Sirius’s face. 

He hated making James angry. He had a short fuse, a hot temper, it had always been an issue. But he never snapped at Sirius. He wanted to vomit, he felt horrible. He had crossed a boundary, he had pushed too far. 

“What’s going on?” Remus’s voice came in from behind Sirius. James quickly turned on his heel and stormed into the bathroom. 

“ Taking a shower!” He chirped again, locking the door. He sounded right back to his happy self again. Remus hadn’t even noticed. 

“What was that?” Remus asked again, Sirius turned to face him, and Peter, who had followed. 

“I-” Sirius started, he couldn’t stomach how he had hurt James. Remus would be mad for pushing him too hard. Besides- it’s not like James wanted them all to know he was upset. 

So Sirius lied for him. 

“He said he was tired and worried about classes.” He told them. Remus crossed his arms, blowing hair out of his eyes. Sirius gulped, face flushing. He liked Remus’s eyebrows when they furrowed like that. 

“Me and him both.” Peter shrugged, walking past and going over to his trunk to change into pajamas. “I’m gettin’ to bed.” 

Sirius turned to Remus again. 

“I’m probably gonna shower in the morning.” Remus said, sighing. “But if James takes too long I won’t be able to brush my teeth-” He counted on his fingers the things he needed to get done for the night. He paced the dorm mumbling things like “Robes, Pin, Prefect clipboard, quills-” 

Sirius shook his head and walked over to his own bed, changing into his pajamas. 

He tried to take note of how long James was taking in the shower. It had been almost fifteen minutes, and James was known to take quick showers. He was used to speed showering in locker rooms, and it just carried over. He’d always be in and out in less than ten minutes.

It was his after shower practices that always took him so long in the bathroom. 

But he was taking a while, the water was still running. He looked over to Remus who was reading on his bed. He would read, check his watch, look at the door, then continue reading. But Sirius could tell by the tapping of his foot against his headboard that he was growing impatient. He got up and walked over to the door. 

“James- mate- how much longer ya think?” He asked through the door, knocking with the back of his hand. There wasn’t an answer. Sirius’s stomach felt weird. 

“ Jamie?” Remus sing songed. He glanced to Sirius nervously. Even Peter stirred, sitting up. 

“James, are you ok in there?” Remus asked, knocking again and trying the doorknob. It was locked. Sirius shot up and over to Remus and the door. 

“What’s going on?” Pete asked from his bed. 

“James.” Sirius said, rattling the doorknob. He had a bad sinking feeling in his gut. “James I’ll alohamora this lock right now if you don’t-” SIrius threatened, Remus pounding on the door. Before he could finish, however, James opened the door. 

His hair was wet from the shower, and he had a towel around his waist. Neither of them had realized the water had shut off. His face was confused, and nervous. Water dripped down his collarbones and chest, and Sirius noted that he had lost some of his muscle mass. He wasn’t by any means thin or skinny, but there was a significantly less amount of bulk on him. His collarbones were perfectly defined, his adams apple a little sharper, his cheekbones a little more hollow. 

“What?” He asked kind of harshly. “I’m out, just let me get dressed.” He said, shutting the door in Remus’s and his face. 

The three boys all awkwardly glanced at one another. Remus and Sirius both went back over to their beds. Sirius climbed in, and watched as Remus got up and went to the bathroom as James emerged in his boxers and a large ABBA tee. 

It was obvious even by the way that he walked that something was wrong. His shoulders were hunched, not held back with his chest out proudly. He looked like he was in a constant state of fear. 

It’s not like they didn’t try and get him to talk about the accident. He had talked through a lot of it last year, and this summer supposedly was very recovery based. 

But he still just wouldn’t talk about what happened. Hell, Sirius still remembered talking to Remus and Peter about what happened late into the night. None of them had been able to sleep those first few nights after. So they’d stay up, talk to each other, work through their anxieties and fears and the horrors of seeing their friend plummet- hit the goalposts- 

fall- faster- 

Sirius shook his head, burrowing himself into his blankets, peeking over them to James's bed. 

Was he alright? Was he sleeping? 

How was he over the summer? Had he missed them? 

He had received more updates from James’s parents than James himself. 

About how the seizures had mostly stopped. He got migraines sometimes, but the damage itself had healed, and all that remained were the headaches and the stutter. 

Last year, James had left about three weeks “early” for summer. Which was a nice way of saying, he couldn’t stay at Hogwarts at the time being. 

He had been excused for finals and had gotten lucky enough to have been able to make up classes over the summer, so he wasn’t behind academically. 

But he had only received a few letters. He didn’t try and hold it against him, that it was a lot less than usual. But letters from friends really did keep him sane. And the Noble house of Black had been eerily quiet all break. 

He and Regulus were almost left completely alone. Which they had found nice, but neither of them felt it was a good thing. It was a calm before the storm. And there was something he couldn’t tell James, which was eating him alive as well. 

Marlene had gotten him to agree to try out for Beater on Gryffindor’s quidditch team. 

Anxiety ate at his gut, and he peeked back over at James in his bed. He was still, he always tossed and turned. 

It was just another part of James Potter that had become eerily quiet. 

—-------

The next  morning came quickly, and when he woke, Sirius realized that Remus was already gone. Prefect duties . Sirius remembered. He glanced around the room, the window curtains were open, filling the dorm with a bright morning light, he saw that Peter was up too, and the shower was on. James was still a lump in his bed. 

He’d wake him up, climb into his bed like he used to every first day of classes. 

Sirius snuck up to the side of his bed, and got ready to pounce, a smile devilishly creeping on the corners of his mouth. 

He placed a palm on the mattress to steady himself, but quickly retracted it when he felt the damp sheets. Sirius then noted that Jamse had sweat through his tee shirt, and the hairline of his hair was still damp, even though his hair should’ve been dry from his shower the night before. 

James looked sick. If only Remus was there. 

Sirius summoned a glass of water and sat down on James’s bed, lightly shaking his shoulder. James’s eyes fluttered open, and then pinched shut, the boy curling into himself. 

“Wh-” He mumbled, rubbing at his eyes, pressing his palms into them. 

“Here, mate.” Sirius said, his own hands shaking with nerves as he held out the glass of water. James took it from him. 

“Th- thanks.” James said, putting his glasses on and chugging the glass. Sirius watched wide eyed as James downed it in a couple seconds. 

“Are you ok?” Sirius asked, looking James up and down. He looked a bit shaky. Something clicked in James’s eyes and he sat up quickly, holding himself with his hands. 

“I’m ok.” James repeated back to Sirius. “Thank- thanks for the water.” He said, eyes startled but blank. A red tint spread across James' cheeks and ears and Sirius could only recognize that James was embarrassed. He pushed himself up, leaning on his bedpost. 

Sirius was going to say something, but at that moment, Peter got out of the shower and James scrambled into the bathroom. 

“What’s his deal?” Peter asked, walking to his drawers and shimmying into his school robes. “I’m gonna get dressed and head straight down to breakfast to save us spots, feel free to join me whenever.” Peter added, having quickly gotten dressed and slung his bag over his shoulder. 

“Moony’s already gone!” He finished, leaving the dorm. Sirius sat there dumbfounded. 

He was struck with a sudden pang of being alone.  

Remus was a prefect. James was different. Even Peter seemed to be on top of things. Why did Sirius feel like he was the only one who hadn’t moved anywhere? He put his head in his hands and stared at the hardwood floor below him. 

“There are things, Sirius, coming up, that are unavoidable.” Regulus had told him. “You need to figure out exactly where you stand, or you’re going to get trampled.” 

He felt trampled, and ran over. His heart felt like rapid hooves on his chest. He wanted more than anything to help. Help Remus, help Regulus, help James. He couldn’t even help himself if he wanted to. 

He was cut out of his thoughts by the sink turning on in the bathroom. As well as the sounds of restricted gagging. James was throwing up. 

He shot up quickly and knocked on the door. Panic was filling his body, adrenaline rushing into his veins. 

“James?” He asked frantically. “James.” 

“I’m fine Sirius.” James spat back from behind the door. 

“Are you throwing up?” Sirius asked, hand shaking, hovering over the doorknob. 

“N- n-” He could hear James stutter, his tongue getting caught on the syllables. “I’m not.” He changed his wording so he wouldn’t fumble over the same sounds. 

“Can I come in?” He bargained, “I want to check my hair.” 

He hoped that maybe James would let him in, it was obvious that something was wrong. More than just James being upset and nervous about O.W.L.S. and classes. 

He didn’t expect James to open the door, toothbrush in mouth, with his glasses pushed up on his forehead like a headband, keeping his curls from his eyes. 

“Seriously, mate, I’m fine.” James spat his toothpaste into the sink, rinsing his mouth. “I’m gonna go down to breakfast ‘while.” He shouldered past Sirius, buttoning up his robes. Sirius just stood there. 

He didn’t actually want to fix his hair. He didn’t want to head down to breakfast so early. He didn’t want Peter to go ahead of him, he didn’t want Remus to be a prefect- and out of all the things he didn’t want, there was one he did. 

He wanted James, he needed his friend. Sirius watched James from the bathroom doorway. 

James looked around the room confused, pawing at his robes and duvet. His wand. He was always misplacing things now. 

“It’s uhm-” Sirius swallowed back a lump in his throat. “Your nightstand, mate.” He pointed. James gave him a weak smile, grabbing it and leaving. 

Sirius felt sick. Everything was different.

—------~ James Potter 

James was panicking. What was with him that morning? Sirius had woken him up and he had been sweating. He had felt oddly weak, his stomach even weaker. 

He felt startled, as if he had just woken up from a nightmare, but he couldn’t remember what he had been dreaming. And he had looked at James so weird. James hated the feeling of someone analyzing him. It made him more nauseous than he already was. 

He had quickly gone to the bathroom when Peter got out, and hovered over the sink. His face was pale, his eyes were wide and his pupils dark and large. The lights in the bathroom were easier on his eyes than the sunlight from the windows inside. He felt oddly shaky, his mouth oddly dry. His stomach continued to toss oddly, he couldn’t tell if he was just feeling off or if he was actually going to throw up. 

He fumbled as he reached for his toothbrush on the sink. 

Pull yourself together, Potter. He told himself. He squeezed some toothpaste on his toothbrush and ran it under the water. He started to brush his teeth, and as soon as it hit his tongue he gagged. He tried so hard to be quiet. The nausea now had completely taken over and it took all of his willpower to not lose everything in the sink right now. He pushed his glasses up on his forehead to keep his hair out of his eyes. 

His stomach clenched and he fought back another wave of nausea. There was a harsh knock on the door. Fuck. 

“James?” Sirius’s voice frantically came through the door. “James.” 

“I’m fine Sirius.” James spat back, also spitting into the sink again. God, why did he feel so. Wrong? 

“Are you throwing up?” Sirius asked, James felt shaky, put tried to pull himself together. 

Just breathe, answer Sirius, and get out. 

“N- n-” He bit his tongue, he hated hated the stupid fucking stutter, his tongue getting caught on the syllables. “I’m not.” He decided on, after his lips couldn’t find the shape to sound right.  

“Can I come in?” Sirius whined, “I want to check my hair.” 

Of course he did. James chided. He put his toothbrush back in his mouth, and opened the bathroom door. 

“Seriously, mate, I’m fine.” He said, turing around and spitting his toothpaste into the sink, rinsing his mouth. “I’m gonna go down to breakfast ‘while.” He shouldered past Sirius, grabbing his robes from his wardrobe and buttoning them in the front. 

He looked around squinting, he patted at his chest and blankets. 

Where had he put his wand? He wondered. 

“It’s uhm-” Sirius said, James turned to look at him. He pointed. “Your nightstand, mate.” 

James nodded, and smiled, grabbing his wand before leaving the dorm. 

He sighed, exhaling all of his breath as the door shut behind him. He just had to get through the first day, and the rest would fall. He just had to get over this hurdle. His classes weren’t going to be too terrible. 

He just needed to make it through the first day. 

The first stop? Breakfast. 

He headed down the great stairs and something else started to pool in his stomach next to the nausea. Guilt. 

He shouldn’t have just left Sirius like that. 

He also couldn’t stop thinking about how tight the back of his neck felt. 

How sharp the pinch was at the bridge of his nose. 

He just had to make it down to- 

“James!” Peter’s voice chirped across the great hall, he had saved their typical spots and was munching on some eggs and bacon with Remus, who had a mug of black coffee and a piece of toast with several different spreads on it. 

“Hey fellas.” James smiled. A warmth filled his chest, that melted the cold ball that had settled in his ribcage. 

“Where’s Sirius?” Remus asked, avoiding eye contact. James and Peter exchanged a glance. 

“Last I checked, fixing his hair.” James said, smiling as he reached for the coffee on the table. 

Pete giggled. “Yeah, he was still getting ready when I was up there.” He added. “Why, Moony? Miss him ‘cause he ain’t at the table?” 

James giggled, and the warmth continued to spread. The teasing felt normal. It felt typical, it didn’t feel like acting. 

Remus’s ears got brighter. 

“N- no!” He stuttered. James smiled. 

“Jeez, mate, you’re almost as bad as I am.” he joked. Peter and Remus exchanged a glance before laughing along with his joke. 

In all honesty, that didn’t make James feel weird. He expected there to be a bit of awkwardness surrounding well, everything that had happened. 

There had barely been time to explore what really had happened together.

There was the original accident, then the first weeks in Pomfrey’s. Then there was the brief bit in which he thought he was getting better, he was out again, and then was painfully reminded that there wasn’t any way he could get off that easy. 

Then there were the weeks in St. Mungos. Then there was summer recovery, and now, he was back. And finally trying to navigate it all. 

“I’m kidding, mate, it’s alright.” James added. “I’m just teasin’ anyways. Your ears tell me more than I need to know.” He smiled. Remus’s ears burned even redder. 

He was happy to see that get a genuine and not nervous smile from Remus and Peter. 

“Ah, speak of the devil.” Peter said, grinning as Sirius strutted into the great hall and flopped himself down next to Remus. 

“I am already sick and tired of this year.” he sighed, dramatically draping himself across the table and reaching with his fingers to try and take bacon off of Peter’s plate. 

“Hey!” Peter protested, snatching his plate away. 

“What’s up, Siri?” Remus asked, pulling him to sit upright and handing him his coffee. Sirius took it without question, sipping at it. 

“I ran into Snape in the hallways already. ” He groaned, biting down on a piece of bacon that he had managed to snatch off of Peter’s plate. 

“When did you-” Peter looked at him baffled, pointing. James pushed his hand down and leaned closer to Sirius. 

“Really? What’d he say?” He asked, getting closer and questioning Sirius. He wanted details.  

He wanted distraction. 

He wanted to get away from the weird feeling following him. It surrounded him, like it was following him. It left a coppery, flowery taste in his mouth. 

“That last year we got off easy.” he rolled his eyes. “And that this year it’s back on in full swing.” 

James bit his lip. The “getting off easy” was obviously referencing his accident. 

The Gryffindor Slytherin rivalry had gotten too heated last year. It was about to reach its peak. To some, it did hit its peak. It hit Gryffindor’s heart. Took till now to even consider it fair. 

Some say the climax was last year. Some say that his accident was a turning point. 

If there was anything that James thought, it was that it had been a game changer. 

Literally, and figuratively. 

Something else started to burn in his stomach. It wasn’t necessarily anxiety or fear. It wasn’t just anger either. 

There was something else bubbling underneath his skin. It made him buzz, everything was heightened. The idea of Snape made his blood curdle. 

Off easy his ass. He thought.

If they wanted full swing, they’d get it. All four boys looked at each other, the energy suddenly swollen with unreadable emotions. 

“I’ll show them a full swing.” James muttered under his breath, holding onto the cup of coffee in his hands. He sipped it, the heat burning the tip of his tongue. 

It stung, but it wasn’t terrible. 

His eyes stung. And his neck ached. 

But there was something burning deeper in his gut than anything else. 

—--- 

Chapter Text

-------~ James Potter 

Something was following him. He was sure of it. 

James couldn’t shake the feeling following behind him. It felt like a physical sludge clinging to him. Pins and needles shot down his spine, giving him a chill. 

He kept pressing forward towards charms after breakfast. His bag strap pulled tightly on his shoulder, making the ache in his neck continue down his shoulder and back. He grumbled to himself, his mood killed when they all went separate ways for classes. 

Stupid Peter had to pick the wrong charms class. James glowered. If he could just listen. But really no, it wasn’t Peter’s fault, it was a misunderstanding. He just felt so irritated. He felt jumpy. Or was it anxious? 

No, not him. He wasn’t anxious. If anyone was anxious it was Sirius, everything seemed to set him off lately. James momentarily remembered Sirius saying something about how oddly quiet Grimmauld had been. 

That thought quickly disappeared behind a wall of others. Because he felt something- it was like anxiety but it wasn’t. It couldn’t be. He was just going to classes, he’s done this his whole life, he’s not anxious. 

So what is going on? 

He got to Flitwicks’s room, flinching at the heavy creak of the old hinged door. He gazed around the room, looking for familiar faces. 

Unfortunately, he did see a familiar face. 

Regulus Black. 

Well, it wasn’t an unfortunate face, in fact Regulus had a quite fortunate face. But unfortunate, because he didn’t quite know Regulus that well, and next to him was the only seat that was open and not in the first few rows, which were completely empty. 

He didn’t hate Regulus, but he didn’t necessarily like him either. His interactions with Sirius’s younger brother so far had been brief and awkward. Drunk walks back from parties, ‘good games’ during quidditch matches, a scraped knee, bloody nose, even an awkward moment when Regulus caught James trying to write a love poem for Lily and told Sirius. 

James thought of him as shy, a sweet kid but bratty, like Sirius was their first year. He wasn’t as quick to rebel against his parents, and James was pretty sure he in fact went along with a lot of his parents' same views. He was genuine but blunt, which are two sides of the same coin that only really feel different. He was honest, which made it difficult for James to really hit it off. Because if Regulus was honest, it meant he didn’t laugh at James' jokes, which was more awkward for James than Regulus, but still. 

During second year, when it was Regulus’s first, he tagged around the marauders a lot. He didn’t really speak much, but they brought him along. For the first week, he refused to speak at all, and would cling to Sirius’s robes. James had gotten to see a bit of a different side of Sirius those first weeks. Softer, less reckless, his jokes were cleaner. He was more cautious, and there had been less of a knot in his brow. 

Regulus and Sirius were close, of course, at least then. But as siblings do, they quarrelled. There were some tense moments, and soon Regulus found his own friends in Slytherin. James didn’t quite call them good influences. He had gotten close quickly with Barty Crouch, James was pretty sure he was a crouch junior though, A kid named Evan Rosier and his sister, and James was pretty sure he was at least on good terms with Dorcas through quidditch. 

It was when he and his new friends started getting along with Snape, and soon after that, he turned into just another face that James knew. That was a little more than just a sibling argument. Snape and Barty had gotten close, making some bad decisions, talking about some bad things. It hadn’t been pretty. 

After that, nobody except Sirius and Regulus themselves could tell you what was going on between them. Regulus had said a few less words, and the knot came back a little tighter between Sirius’s eyebrows. 

James knew they weren’t something he’d be able to understand. Right now, he knew the two weren’t on the greatest terms, but he didn’t think there was anything too awful at the moment. 

But there was a lot that he missed. He hadn’t been around for a lot, and he’d be the first to admit that he stopped being there for a lot of it.

He was trying to make up for that. 

James realized quickly, that he looked rather stupid just standing at the door, and after double scanning the room to make sure he didn’t have any other options, he started off towards the back of the classroom towards the younger Black brother. Regulus caught James in his eye, and raised an eyebrow at him. He pulled his stuff over and moved his bag over the chair next to him. 

“Potter.” He said, polite but indifferent, leaning to the opposite side of his desk. 

His hair was just as dark as Sirius’s, but a bit shorter. His eyes were a sharp sterling. His cheeks were a bit fuller, his jaw a bit softer, his brows were a bit thinner, but his eyelashes were just as dark and thick as his brothers. The family resemblance didn’t stop there, they had the same angular cheekbones and same upturned nose, like they were raised looking down on people. 

They were around the same height, despite Regulus being younger. Sirius still had a few inches on him yet, but both boys were thin. Sirius was more gaunt, and Regulus was more taught. They both shared the same dark shade of purple under their eyes, it wasn’t ugly per se, but it made it hard to stare into their eyes for too long. 

“Baby Black.” James sighed, sitting down also, setting his stuff to the left, leaning away from Regulus. He just wanted to get through class, after this he had herbology with Remus and Lily, and he’d be alright. 

He was good at charms too, he was already pretty advanced from their pranks, so it shouldn’t be a difficult class. 

Regulus scoffed at the nickname, rolling his eyes.

“Hope you’re good at this, charms isn’t my subject.” Regulus stated, gazing down at the board, where Flitwick was scribbling indistinguishable cursive. When James didn’t answer, Regulus looked at him curiously. 

James looked over at Regulus, his mouth oddly dry. Why was Regulus trying to make small talk? He noticed that the smaller Black brother was spinning his rings on his fingers, fiddling with them the same way Sirius did. 

“I’m decent.” He replied. “Potions is my Achilles heel.” He added, leaning back in his chair, reaching for parchment and a quill from his bag. 

“The odyssey?” Regulus asked. James looked up, nodding, laying his things out on his desk. 

“Y-yeah.” James stuttered awkwardly. 

“I’m great at potions.” Regulus said. James could hear that the subject made him smile. “It’s easier, it’s all right there in front of you, they take time to brew, it feels more personal, you spend time with it.” 

“That’s descriptive.” James grunted, reaching back down to see if he had any extra quills. “I’ve never had any luck with it, I always add too much on accident and it spills everywhere.” 

“Can’t you just use measuring tools?” Regulus asked.

“‘Well, ‘spose I’m too clumsy for those even” James joked, trying to eye and gauge Regulus’s reaction. He hated when things were awkward, and this definitely was. He didn’t want a bad relationship with Sirius’s brother. 

He didn’t really know how Sirius and Regulus were doing. He thought they were good at the moment, typical spats and family issues, but nothing crazy. At least…

Well at least that Sirius had told him. If Sirius was telling the truth.

Regulus scoffed and smiled at James’s joke, which was a little victory, but then something crossed his face. His lips drained of color a bit, and James watched his eyes focused back on the board. 

James shifted awkwardly in his seat, another set of chills going down his spine. A wave of confusion came with that one, and he shook his head, re-orienting himself to the fact that he was in class. 

Pull it together, Potter.  

Pull it together. 

—----------~ Regulus Black 

While James had some difficulties remembering what had happened in that game, Regulus remembered it pretty vividly. He had played in it. 

“Well, ‘spose I’m too clumsy for those even.” James had said.

Regulus smiled. The first memory that had popped up was when he remembered having to help Remus carry his brother and James back up to Gryffindor tower after drinking in the greenhouses. 

He had Sirius, arm around his shoulder, his arm around Sirius’s waist. His brother was closer to his size, and was more of a lovey, sappy drunk versus James’s loud and boisterous drunk. He stayed more still, and was easier to carry than the squirming, singing, jacked “Perfect Potter.” Remus had the stumbling athlete, tripping over his own and James’s feet the entire way up. He had to struggle to keep the two of them upright, both drunk, both clumsy, and all of them laughing. 

Then Regulus saw James’s hands clumsily slip over his broom handle. 

James had already been playing recklessly, when did he not? 

But his flying had been wild, uncontrolled. There had been a look on his face that Regulus hadn’t been able to quite place. Everyone was asking afterwards as to why, why was he flying like he was? Everyone had their own theories. 

That Potter kid is crazy. 

Everyone knows he’s a klutz.

He’s reckless, irresponsible.

He’s just plain stupid, that’s what happens when you play stupid. 

It was an accident, accidents happen.

Just a matter of time before one of them seriously ended up hurt. 

This is what happens when you let one kid play every match. 

Nobody knew why he had flown like he did, just that he hadn’t since. 

Too clumsy. 

That couldn’t be it. Not on a broom. 

He had been going too quickly . 

The bludger that was timed to hit his shoulder and knock him off track from the quaffle collided with his chest instead. 

The hit itself wasn’t hard, but he was going fast enough. He was falling quickly, awake, eyes wide, and his first instinct had been to reach and grab for his broom. Regulus watched his fingers meet air. 

He watched as James tried to hold onto the top of the goalpost after he collided with it, he had landed on his side, arms scrambling to grab onto the top of the ring, but his legs swung too far beneath him, knocking his body off kilter like a pendulum. He lost grip again, and fell again, head meeting the bottom of the goal-post, and he continued to fall the rest of the way. 

Regulus had dove as fast as he could. He was a seeker for a reason, he was fast. He was fast. His arm reached out, James grabbed onto his, but James was too heavy and falling too quickly. Regulus was only able to slow his plummet before James was torn from his arms by the speed and momentum from their descents. He fell the rest of the way- Regulus remembers praying- to something- to Merlin, to God, to whatever was out there- just please let that have been enough-  

His eyes tried to focus on the board. He didn’t want to look at James.

James didn’t remember it.

And Regulus wasn’t about to bring it up. So instead, he tried to make sense of what Flitwick was trying to get across.

He felt a bit overwhelmed looking at the board. He was always so lost when it came to charms, his wand never agreed with him.

Orion took his wand from Sirius after he got into Gryffindor, it was given to Regulus. Sirius had gotten his own wand, and Regulus got his fathers. 

It was never the right fit in his hand, it was always a little too heavy. It never cast right, it was always harsh, he had to be so gentle while casting. 

Charms confused him too, he had to figure it all out himself. He had to search for that positive magic within him, it was hard to pull from. His, well, his father’s wand always rejected it at first. 

Flitwick lined up a set of marbles on his desk. 

“All of you, go seat by seat and summon the marbles to you.” He instructed. “ Accio. ” Flitwick flicked his wand in a way that Regulus completely missed, and a marble was sent towards him, and he caught it perfectly in the palm of his hand. 

Regulus watched astonished as almost everyone executed it flawlessly. Some people’s rolled off the table, or bounced and rolled somewhere else, it wasn’t perfect. 

James’s was perfect. It went quickly and calmly into the calloused palm of his hand. Regulus’s attempt sent it flying towards the two, they both ducked as it was thrown like a bullet towards them. Both hit the deck, and Regulus’s face burned red after hearing several other students shouting as his marble made its way around the classroom, and eventually his hand. 

“Damn, Black.” James winced, as they sat up. “You’ve got strong magic.” He grinned, rubbing at the back of his neck, stretching it. Both boys huffed, sitting on the floor, picking up bits and pieces of their things that were scattered in the chaos.

“It’s not strong, just reckless.” Regulus huffed, dusting off his robes. He sat back on his knees, dusting off his hands. He noticed he had spilled his ink all over his sleeve, and it was quickly seeping through to the clothes underneath. 

“Damn damn damn.” He muttered, quickly shedding his robe, and starting to dab at the growing inkstain. 

He gently folded it up, cleaning the sleeve. He looked up, embarrassed at James. He was hoping James wasn’t mad, or judging him too harshly. 

James instead was suddenly pale, gazing at Regulus. Regulus cocked his head, giving Potter a curious look. James didn’t reciprocate, instead, his hand twitched in his lap and his eyes wouldn’t move. Regulus felt very suddenly self conscious. 

He looked down at himself. What was James looking at? Was the stain that bad? He was just wearing the uniform pants, and his quidditch jumper. 

That was it. 

Regulus was wearing his seeker jumper. The green and silver snakes, his number, 78, the broomstick X, The word SLYTHERIN embroidered in glittering silver and emerald thread above his number. Regulus quickly pulled his freshly stain removed robes back on, buttoning them up and pulling them closed as tightly as he could. 

“James?” Regulus said quietly, hoping no one else in the classroom would hear. “ James?” He started to get nervous. If something happened to James while he was with Regulus, Sirius would kill him. 

He shook James’s shoulder, and he gave no response, except Regulus felt a tension under his palm. He was getting frustrated. 

“You’re weirding me out, Potter.” Regulus hissed. “What the hell are you doing?” He was getting panicked and irritated now. James’s brow furrowed, and he started to grasp and ungrasp his hand. He blinked a few times, and then looked back up at Regulus. 

“Wh- wh- what p-page are we on?” James asked, looking around at the floor, and back up to Regulus. He grabbed his things, and went back to his desk. 

“We’re not using our textbooks right now, Potter.” Regulus said, gesturing to the board. “You alright?”

What was going on? He thought. What was up with James? What was that? 

“S-so sorry.” James stuttered. Regulus felt a knot in his stomach. “‘It’s just the first da- day, just getting classes muh- mixed up.” 

Regulus nodded. James wouldn’t look at him.

“Yeah.” 

He tried to focus for the rest of class, but his attention was on the older boy next to him, who was suddenly so distracted from what seemed to be his best subject. 

Class droned on and eventually ended. Regulus had to wave in front of James’s face as he was leaving to snap him out of whatever trance he was in. 

He left, not wanting to get involved. 

Regulus couldn’t help but look back one more time, having a feeling there was something more. 

But he was already too far down a different path to see him. 

—-------~ Remus Lupin 

In another part of the castle, Remus had been on a roll. He was excited, he was inspired, he had been productive all day and done excellent on his arithmancy quiz. It was easy, just a placement quiz to see how much they had remembered from last term, but he had aced it which felt good. 

He had done his prefect duties to a T, had Sirius in his first period transfiguration class, and now he was off to herbology with Lily and James. 

The air was still warm from a lingering summer, and lately Remus had gained the confidence to roll up his sleeves and loosen his tie, and had taken to the habit of unbuttoning the top button. After his last growth spurt, all of his clothes were a smidge too tight, and the neckline when buttoned all the way, was a bit suffocating. 

Remus reached the door to the greenhouse, and walked directly over to the table Lily was sitting at. 

“Hullo, Lily!” He smiled, sliding into the seat next to her. 

“Hi Remus!” She grinned back. “Are you excited? I am. I heard that the mandrakes we planted last term are supposed to be what we start with this term.” She explained, she had heard it from another student.

“That’s exciting, I know Pete’s is going to be incredible, he has a knack for herbology.” Remus continued the conversation. The pair continued to chat as students filtered in. Lily continued to ramble as she did typically. She never seemed to stop talking, despite people often making the mistake of thinking she was shy. She was a firecracker, with a quick fuse, and a heart that burned hotter than anyone else Remus knew. As much as she talked, every word she said, (of which there were thousands) there were thousands more she’d listen to. 

“James is supposed to be in this class right?” She had asked. Remus side eyed her. 

“Yes, why?” He asked, grinning. Lily blushed. 

“Nothing, just concerned is all.” She huffed. “I’ve got to be concerned when students are skipping class.” She clarified, when Remus gave her a smile and raised an eyebrow. She glared. 

“Ah, speak of the devil!” Remus grinned, as the concern himself walked in. He waved James over to their table, who smiled and slid across from Lily. 

“Hey, mate.” James whispered, as Professor Sprout shushed the class to start. 

“Hullo!” Replied Remus. 

“Hey Lily.” James smiled. 

“James.” Lily smiled back. 

They turned their attention to the front, where professor Sprout started to talk. 

“Your mandrakes from last term have grown!” She chirped, her red cheeks in a wide grin. “They need to be repotted one last time before harvesting this winter!” 

Some people groaned, others cheered. Oftentimes, students either loved or hated the mandrakes. Lily smiled wildly, Remus chuckled, and James flopped his head on the table. 

“Easy, mate.” Remus giggling at James, lifting him up. 

“I hate the bloody mandrakes.” James grumbled, crossing his arms and fixing his crooked glasses. 

“You'll be alright, James.” Lily giggled. James chuckled weakly, and Remus picked up on something. James was scared. He could smell his sweat and could see the hair raised on the back of his neck and arms. 

After a few minutes of brief instruction from Sprout, the trio made their way over to the pots section to find theirs from last term. Remus came up close behind James. 

“Jamie, you alright?” He asked, whispering it close to James’s ear. 

“Yeah, mate, I’m alright. Just got a bit of a headache is all.” James admitted to him. Remus got an odd feeling in his gut, it twisted, it was a little sharp. 

James Fleamont Potter has never once admitted weakness. 

“James-” Remus went to grab his arm, but James turned around, placing a large clay pot in his arms

“This one’s got your name.” James grunted, passing it off. “Come on, Moony!” He chirped, hoisting his own potted mandrake. 

Remus didn't say anything, he just nodded and followed him back to their table in the corner. 

He could feel something was wrong, his spine was tingling. 

“James, are you sure you’re okay?” Remus asked again, leaning in close to him at their chairs. 

“Yes, Remus, really.” James whispered back. “Are you alright? You seem rather jumpy, I know the moons soon, could it be that?” James asked.

Remus sat back and stared awkwardly at his pot. It could be. It would make sense, he’d been too good for too long, and the timeline would make sense. 

“Sure, mate.” He trailed off, grabbing a pair of earmuffs for himself, and James. Lily came bouncing over, her ears covered already, holding onto her pot. Remus was jealous of how neatly her name was written on her pot. 

“We just use the new pots under the tables right?” Lily clarified with the group. Remus nodded, grabbing his own. 

“James, can you grab the soil?” She asked, heading over to the trowels and shovels. James nodded, putting on his earmuffs and going over to grab a bucket. 

Remus situated two more pots, and James returned with soil. Lily handed out the hand shovels and they started to dig around their mandrakes. Lily heard hers start to squeal, so she warned them. 

“I think mine’s a crier.” She wavered, getting ready to pull it up by the stalk. 

James winced as Lily pulled, and it screamed. Remus covered his ears, flinching. As the mandrakes got older, the stronger their cries. She quickly placed it into her pot and filled the dirt in around it. Remus uncovered his ears. Lily was grinning, her face a little guilty. 

“Sorry…” She apologized, biting her lip and patting down the soil. 

Remus looked at James, who was giving an anxious smile. 

“I’ll get mine now, and then help with yours.” Remus said, nodding to James while referring to ‘yours’.

Last year, James’s mandrake bit his finger and he dropped it, and it rolled under the table and wouldn’t stop screaming. He didn’t have a great history with mandrakes to say the least. 

Remus pulled his out, and transferred it a bit quicker. They were ugly little buggers, and Remus made sure to go as fast as possible. 

James had gotten ready, his hands wrapped around the leaves. Remus was ready to help him move it. James tugged, and Remus noticed that James seemed to struggle to get it out. His face was tense as his mandrake screamed, his eyes and brow twitching in discomfort. He shoved it into the pot and Remus filled dirt in around it. James stepped back and shook his head, pressing the earmuffs over his ears. 

“Damn, damn.”  He winced. 

“Y’alright Jamie?” Remus asked. 

“Yes, and you can quit asking.” He winced, blinking heavily and tugging at the back of his neck. 

“I’m gonna have to agree with Remus.” Lily piped up, leaning closer to James. “You look peaky.” 

“I’m not bloody peaky, I’m just tired and these damned mandrakes aren’t helping is all.” James argued. Lily Recoiled backwards slightly, surprised at his outburst. 

“Alright, James.” She said, picking up her shears and starting on her leaf trimming. Remus gave James a look, a confused shocked look, but James wasn’t paying attention. He was focused on his own mandrake. 

What the bloody hell was going on with James Potter? 

—----------~ James Potter 

James was getting more and more frustrated. The weird prickly kept following him. Everything around him felt slightly unreal. Like everything he was experiencing was a fraud. Like he was acting. 

He couldn’t shake the nerves that kept making his hands twitch either. He felt insane. And the bloody mandrakes were just an added inconvenience that James was hesitant to admit was more painful than it should be. 

His head didn’t just hurt. 

It felt like it was inside out, he felt separate from his body, not in pain. 

How did it get this bad? He asked himself. When did it get this bad? 

There’s no way he had gotten a migraine, he can usually tell the day before. Was that what this was? 

No, it couldn’t be.

He didn’t pay attention for the rest of class, and found himself quickly dismissing himself to the bathroom, insisting that Remus and Lily go on  to their prefect duties without worrying about him. They hesitated, before agreeing. 

They were prefects for a reason, after all. 

Walking along the separate corridor, two voices around the corner caught his attention, stopping him in his tracks. 

“Are you serious? You’ll do it?” That was Marlene

“Yes, although I don’t know how to tell James. ” That was- Sirius? 

What did he have to tell James? What?

“It’l be alright, Sirius, he’d understand.” Marlene said. “He always encouraged it.” 

“I know, I just-” Sirius sighed, James leaned closer to the wall. “I don’t want to hurt him.” 

James was confused. What the hell were they talking about? 

“Sirius, mate, trying out for beater isn’t going to hurt him, you just need to be honest with him.” 

James stiffened. His back pressed into the stone wall behind him. So Sirius wanted to try out for beater? Marlene was right, that didn’t hurt James. 

It just made him feel pathetic. 

But truly, James was happy for Sirius. 

He was. Honest. 

“I know it wont hurt him.” Sirius groned. “He’s just my best mate, and I’ve been worried about him. He hasn’t been okay, or himself.” 

James’s stomach clenched, and his hands started to feel oddly fuzzy. The creepy feeling that had been following him all day seemed to start to seep into his skin. His legs felt weak. 

He was fine. James was fine. Why was everyone so insistent that something was wrong? 

It wasn’t like he was completely AWOL over summer. He talked a bit. Besides, he was recovering and busy. He wasn’t upset. He wasn’t fragile. There was nothing wrong.  

“ I agree.” James shuddered, Marlene agreed. “He isn’t himself at all. But he’s still there, he’s your best mate. You can’t walk too soft ‘round him. He needs you right now.” 

There was silence. James felt breathless, his chest felt light. His head was lighter, and his toes buzzed like radio static. 

James couldn’t breathe. He didn’t stick around to hear what Sirius had to say, he had to get somewhere. 

He stumbled back down the hallway from where he came.

He’d make a right, then a left towards the library. Then I’ll head up to Gryffindor tower from there. 

Yes, that’d work. He stumbled, hand on the wall, down the library hallway. He was about to turn towards the stairs to his room when he heard a laugh from behind him. 

“ Potter.” Snape’s voice drowled from behind him. James barely had the strength to turn around without feeling dizzy. Now was not the time. 

“Snivellus,” 

“Heard some things about the cup this year.” He continued, voice nasally. 

“O- oh?” James stuttered. He bit his lip, leaning on the wall, trying not to look like he was about to fall over. 

“I heard the black brothers are both playing.” He started. “And I heard Marlene’s getting the boot.” 

That was news for James. Marlene was getting the boot? His focus was drawn in, a little closer once more. 

“Marlene?” He asked, giving Snape a look that meant continue.  

“She got into a fight, the last week of school last term. Although, I guess you weren’t here at that time.” 

The fight wasn’t news to him, his mother had told him when it happened, their mothers were friends. He’d known Marlene for years. Her, Pete, and himself all had grown up together. 

“But- she ju- just got a new broom?” James asked, trying to catch Snape in a lie. There was no way they’d kick Marlene off. Had she really gotten into a fight? “She’s still playing. She’s not off- what is this?” James asked for clarification. He leaned on the wall, trying to look less ill than he felt. 

“Well, not yet.” Snape continued. “But, they said if she got into another fight she would be.” 

James cocked his head. What was Snape planning? 

He heard a shout down the hall, Snape grinned. James knew it was Snapes doing. He knew it. 

“What’d you do, Snape?” James asked. Severus shrugged, walking down the hallway back over to the library. He heard a crash. 

The pounding in his chest continued, his hands just as numb, he couldn’t quite think right, and he wasn’t sure what he was getting into. But this was more than his emotions. This was his friend. Sprinting back around, James found himself at the previous corner, where Marlene and Sirius had just been. 

He hard a scream- Marlene- and rounded the corner. 

He skidded to a stop, coming face to face with Sirius, who had just gotten shoved back from a blow to the chest. James caught him under his arms, helping the dark haired boy back to his feet. 

“What is going on?” James asked, trying to get a good look at the scene in front of him. Sirius tore away again, eyes frantic, throwing himself directly in the middle, trying to pry someone off of Marlene. 

Jame’s held his breath, and he almost choked. Short cropped black hair and a bloody nose revealed it was none other than Barty Crouch Junior. Marlene was tough, But Barty had her in a headlock, and their difference in size was just too different to be fair. 

Beater for beater, Marlene would win, hands down. Off the pitch, Barty was more dangerous. 

In fact it was him, he had sent that bludger. James was suddenly somewhere else. 

Hundreds of feet in the air. 

It was oddly peaceful, he missed flying. It was so freeing- he missed this feeling, he was flying fast . His chest pounded, not with fear but excitement. 

His broom- it started to kick. What was happening? 

That was a new memory. He didn’t remember his broom jumping like that. 

His hands kept slipping on the handle, the back was swinging, like it was off balance. He saw the quaffle. He needed it, but he was a bit low. He flew around the pitch, trying to keep his broom straight. He needed to gain speed, and fast. He ducked lower on his broom, wind blowing faster as he kept building speed. He reached the quaffle, turning quickly on his broom to hit it down and through the ring. 

That crack. 

James felt something hit his chest again, it wasn’t quite as hard as the bludger, but it was in fact the back of Barty’s head. He had gotten shoved into James, Sirius had managed to get him to let go of Marlene, who was now curled on her hands and knees on the floor of the corridor, coughing and gagging. 

Muscle memory took over, and James hooked his arms under Barty’s from behind, locking his arms up, and his calf and ankle he hooked around Barty’s thigh. They both fell to the ground, knocking once again into Sirius. James struggled to a sitting position, his back against the wall, Barty still tangled up in front of him. James had his legs hooked, and his arms pinned back, but they still waved frantically, fighting back. He nodded at Sirius to check on Marlene. 

Sirius scrambled over to her, as she struggled to sit up. She was on all fours, and leaned back to sitting on her knees, nose bleeding, lip split, bruises forming under her eyes. There were bruises forming on her throat. Sirius helped her sit up and steady her breathing, shouting for help down the corridor. 

“Fuck you.” Marlene spat at Barty. Barty yelled, struggling against James. “You’re fucking psychotic.” 

“Marlene!” Sirius yelled, face paling as he remembered some things Regulus had told him. “Not the time.” 

“ Dyke” Barty hissed, a new anger seeming to bubble behind his eyes. Nobody had a chance to reply before Marlene lunged, and Sirius tackled her. James caught an elbow in his side, and struggled as Barty tried to break out of his grip. It was at that moment, both James and Sirius heard a few new pairs of footsteps sprinting up behind them. 

Remus, Lily, and none other than Severus Snape rounded the corner with McGonnogal at their heels. 

“I told you!” Snape yelled, pointing. “I told you that she started another fight!” 

“Marlene!” Lily yelled, running over to her friend's side, giving her a hug before pulling back and looking her over. James’s chest heaved, trying to catch his breath as His adrenaline started to wear off. He felt oddly nauseous. His arms felt a little weaker as they fought against Barty. Sirius had sat back dazed, and Remus knelt in front of him. 

James watched as Sirius’s shoulders started to shake, as Remus wrapped his arms around Sirius, and James felt a little weaker. Snape came over, extending his hand out to Barty, who managed to wrench his arm out of James’s grasp and take it. 

James stayed sitting, watching as Barty stood, dusted off his robes, and wiped the blood from his face. Snape looked him up and down, and James swore he saw the same desperation to please Crouch in Severus’s eyes as Evans. 

James wanted to throw up. Like legitimately. 

He sank into himself, putting his head in his hands. His body started to relax, he shuddered with a cold chill through his body. 

That prickly feeling that had been following him around all day suddenly slammed into his back. 

He felt numb, out-of-body, unreal. 

“Not so perfect, huh? Puh- puh- perfect Potter?” Snape spat, mocking his stutter. 

James felt defeated. He felt numb. He wanted to lay down. 

He wanted to start over.

It was the first day. 

How was this the first night?

He couldn’t breathe. 

Like he actually couldn’t. 

His chest seized, and he lifted his head slightly. His hand pawed at the neckline of his robes, fumbling pathetically with his tie. His eyes scanned as he did this, looking for someone to help. Lily was sitting with Marlene, and McGonnogal. Remus was with Sirius, Snape and Barty were gone. 

He couldn’t breathe. Panic was shocking his body. 

I’m going to die. He thought. I’m dying, I can’t breathe- help- I need help.  

His brain was screaming at him. 

Why wasn’t he getting help? 

Oh, he couldn’t move, that’s why. 

He couldn’t move because he couldn’t breathe. 

Someone wheezed, whoever it was sounded scared. 

James’s chest rapidly rose and fell. 

He realized stupidly it had been him wheezing. 

Why was he panicking so bad?

He felt himself sitting up a bit straighter, someone had come behind him, supporting his back and straightening out his shoulders from being hunched- it became ever so slightly easier to breathe when he wasn’t in a ball. They were taller than him, and bonier. 

Remus?  

James tried to open his eyes, he had closed them at some point. Remus was holding onto him, trying to keep him from collapsing onto the floor. Next to Remus was Sirius, watching him nervously. 

Marlene was walking with Lily down to the Hospital Wing, and McGonnogal was setting off to find Snape and Crouch. 

“James, you gotta breathe, mate.” Sirius said, inching closer to James.  James shook his head. 

“I ca- can’t” he sobbed. Remus started to rub circles on his chest with his palm. Remus had large hands, long fingers with knobby knuckles. James tried to focus on that, he tried to pull his focus away from the numbness in his hands. 

Sirius grabbed James's face and turned it towards him, shocking him out of his current spiral. 

Remus tried to chirp up, grabbing someone’s face mid panic isn’t a good idea, but Sirius’s other hand covered his lips. 

“James, either you breathe, or we go to Pomfrey.” Sirius said. James sputtered, chest aching. 

He tried, Sirius kept coaching him. He really was trying. After several minutes of Sirius’s tough love, he was breathing on his own, Remus wasn’t holding him as tightly, and his body felt a little more like his own. Sirius could get him out of anything. 

“I’m sorry.” He slurred. “Ma- Mar- marlene?” He asked. He tried pushing himself to his feet, Sirius and Remus helped him up, holding his arms as they rose. Marlene had been hurt. 

“Marlene’s ok.” Remus reassured. “Lily’s taking her to the hospital wing, shall we go visit?” Remus urged. 

James knew better, it was just a trick to get him to see Madam Pomfrey. 

“Nice try.” he slurred. “I wanna go home.” 

Remus and Sirius exchanged a look that James didn’t see. It was worry. It was care. 

They both took his arms and helped him towards Gryffindor tower. 

“We’re getting to the dorm, mate.” James heard one of them say. His eyes had closed again. 

He was just so tired. 

He woke up very momentarily, eyes opening to see he was in his bed. 

He was too tired to open his eyes again after they closed. 

He drifted off. 

It was just the first day. 

—------

Chapter Text

—------~ Peter Pettigrew 

Peter kept staring at his paper. He already was confused, all day he had been. It started out being confused with what had been going on with James, then he was confused on how he had picked the wrong charms class, and now he was sat on the floor of Gryffindor tower, in the common room, his supplies scattered around him, chatter surrounding the air, and still confused staring at his current paper.

 “ Write a foot and a half on your current knowledge of charms as a subject, and what you know you don’t know.”

What he knew he didn’t know? But if he knew he didn’t know it, didn’t that mean he knew it? 

He picked at the carpet he sat under with his fingers. What to do, what to do. He hated charms. He hated charms so much and had been so looking forward to taking it with James. 

James was so clever. He was so quick, and so bright, and could pick up practically anything with a basic grasp within the first few minutes of being taught. Well, except potions and herbology, but everything else, James excelled at. 

And he was quick witted too, not just quick to know. He could come up with a joke as a response quicker than Peter could even comprehend what had been said. 

Him, Sirius, and Remus were all dangerously quick, and Peter felt a little self conscious about that. He was always teased for being slow, being chubby, he was often told to pick a part of him to be thick, either his arse or his skull. It was almost always James, and other times Sirius, or Remus that would pick up the quick response to defend him.

He felt stupid. Nobody ever really saw him. 

There was a dark sludge in his veins that bubbled occasionally. It brought a thought to the surface that Peter tried to ignore. It felt wrong to think. It wasn’t a nice thought to have, especially about one of your childhood friends. 

But sometimes, that sludge in his veins would bubble up with a slight feeling of gratification at the idea of James being knocked down a peg. 

That dark sludge had squirmed last year, just under his veins, it moved to the back of his mind very quickly. James had been knocked too far. 

But it was always there, just in the back of his mind. 

He didn’t realize he had been so quickly drawn into such dark thoughts until a click from the door snapped his attention to the entrance to Gryffindor tower. Remus gave a cringing smile at the noise, and quickly shuffle-ran over to Peter as to not draw attention to his urgency from the people around him. 

“Pete, I need a distraction quick, gotta get James to the dorm, can you distract everyone in here?” He asked, kneeling next to Peter on the floor, wincing as his joints cracked while crouching. 

“What? James- what?” He asked, a bit startled at the question. 

“Just like say there’s a rat or something.” Remus nodded towards the gaggle of Gryffindors scattered around the kitchenette area of the common room. 

“Why?” He asked, a bit stubborn. 

“Pete, quick mate, come on.” Remus groaned, standing up, giving him a nudge in the shoulder. “I’m giving you twenty seconds and everyone better be distracted.” He jogged out into the hallway, slipping through the doorway quickly. 

Peter only granted himself a second to be confused this time, before rolling his eyes and jumping up, and yelling, throwing his papers and quills around him, running away from the door and pointing towards a group of younger girls huddled together in a far corner. 

“RAT!” He yelled. There was an embarrassing silence over the common room, the girls he pointed at just stated. He shook his head in confusion as to why nobody was reacting. He pointed harder, moving his finger frantically as if he was following the rat, jumping on the couch closest to them. “THERE!” 

Now people reacted. Chaos swarmed, people ran and jumped, all screaming at the nonexistent rat. 

“BY YOUR SHOES!” He shouted, pointing again at the group of girls. They screamed, running around and shoving each other. People jumped on tables, screamed, ran, and clung to every elevated surface they could find. 

Peter glanced over his shoulder, looking to see if the distraction worked. He squinted a bit to make sure he was seeing things right. He was in fact correct at what he saw, which was Remus and Sirius awkwardly carrying James between the two of them. James’s body was moving slowly and robotically. Peter’s brow furrowed in worry. He turned his attention back to the distraction he had caused. 

“I see it!” He shouted, running towards the balcony door, quickly and harshly opening and closing it for effect. “Phew, it’s gone.” He sighed, wiping fake sweat off his brow. “Got him! Jeez, that was a spook!” 

He stood by the closed door nodding at his “work” at getting the rat out. Everyone was staring from their various perches, an absolutely baffled look on everyone's faces. Peter tried not to grin at the foolishness of it. 

“Well? It’s gone now.” He said, throwing up his arms. “You’re welcome.” His arms dropped and he walked off with a fake confidence back over to his mess of papers that had been strewn in the chaos. 

Everyone glanced around awkwardly, before cautiously getting back to their original chatter. Once Peter thought things to be relatively normal, he slipped up the stairs. 

Why was he always the last to know things? Why could he never be let in on things? 

They left him out of things all the time, well, it always seemed to work out that he’d be left out. The timing always worked against him. He knew they didn’t intentionally leave him out. He knew they had different skill sets and all brought different things to the table. James said it all the time, they were all the Marauders, all of them together. 

But he couldn’t help but feel left out sometimes. All of his friends were bombshells. He just seemed like the messy debris afterwards. 

And they never told him things. He had to find out about Remus being a werewolf all on his own. At least he could say that becoming animagi was his idea. They did give him credit there.

Peter quickly reached the top of the stairs, shaking the thoughts from his head as concern for his long time friend took over, and pushed open the door. 

“What’s going on?” He asked, eyes instantly finding James, who was being propped up by Sirius on the edge of his bed. 

“He’s out of it.” Sirius said worriedly, brow furrowed deep. He had started to form a worry line on his forehead from how often his eyebrows would knit together. 

“Out of it?” Peter asked, coming over. He got a better look at James. He was staring straight forward, eyes open but blank. His lips were still together, but his jaw was slack, and he seemed to have no will to move in any way. He glanced at Sirius for some kind of an answer, but the realization that Sirius was just as confused as he was left himself feeling truly, genuinely helpless. 

“He’s been like this for a bit- there was uhm-” Sirius swallowed, eyes going between Peter and James, and looking around the room. There was a look of recognition in them to something behind Peter, so he turned to check over his shoulder. 

“There was a fight between Crouch and Marls.” Remus said, bringing over a glass of water and a pepper up potion. Peter noticed how since they had gotten back up to their room, Remus had taken to the aid of his cane. Peter heard the familiar dull thud of the cork-bottomed stopper tapping as he hobbled over, the dark wood and brass handle supporting his weight. It was getting closer to the moon He sat down and leaned it on the bedframe. 

“Marls?” Peter asked, attention drawn further. She, James, and Peter had all grown up living relatively close and would spend the summers and some weekends together. “Is she alright?” He asked, looking between all three boys. James’s eyes were still glossed over, his hand twitching in his lap. 

“Evans took her to see Poppy.” Sirius told him. “She’ll be fine physically, but I think it was planned to get her off of the team.” He said. “I heard Snape and Barty cheesin’ about it.” He grumbled. 

He muttered a bunch more stuff about sore losers and unfairness but despite his calloused complaints, Peter noticed how his touch stayed gentle around his friend’s shoulders. 

“But anyways” Sirius said, going back to the original topic. “But basically James’s been off all day, but he had some kind of freak-out earlier and got all woozy and dizzy and we had to bring ‘em up here.” 

“Freak out?” Peter asked, even more confused. Maybe he wasn’t as stupid as he thought, maybe Sirius was just bad at explaining. James looked tired, his eyes droopy. 

“I think he had a panic attack.” Remus piped up again, trying to get James to drink some of the water. He showed no response, except for another twitch in his hand. 

“I don’t think he had a panic attack, moony.” Sirius scoffed. “I think it’s something going on with his head.” 

“Well, obviously, but it kinda looked like a panic attack.” Remus said matter-of-fact-ly. 

“It also looked like he was already ill, obviously his head’s been bothering him, he got all dizzy, he bloody went down on us, and now he’s all spacey and twitchy- that’s gotta be brainy related right?” Sirius debated. Peter looked between the two boys arguing. They went back and forth a bit about what could be wrong with James. 

It was a panic attack

It was his head bothering him

It was this, or that, maybe he had hit his head again. 

Peter noticed that the conversation between them started to shift into something else. 

“No, Moony, you just never take me seriously.” Sirius huffed, letting his frustrations get the better of him. 

“Sirius- you’re being ridiculo-” Remus sighed

“I’m ridiculous? You’re out here saying James is having panic attacks- Regulus has those, they’re way different than this.” Sirius bit. 

“That’s not how that works, Sirius, they’re two different people, James isn’t your brother-” Remus realized his words came across wrong almost instantly, cringing at his face and already rolling his eyes at Sirius’s reaction.

“Are you bloody kidding me Remus?” Sirius scoffed. 

“Well-” He tried to choose his words, his eyes darted left and right as if he actually was looking for which words to pick. Peter thought maybe he’d take them back. But he didn’t. Remus shook his head in frustration, voice rising. “I am not kidding, and you know you always are comparing the tw-” 

“And you’re always telling me how to feel!” Sirius raised his voice back. 

“Well maybe if you’d stop being such a bloody emotions hermit you'd realize-” 

“I am very well connected to my emotions, and this is what I’m talking about- you’re always telling me what to feel.” 

“And you’re always interrupting me!” Remus’s voice switched to a higher pitch. “I haven’t finished a single sentence!” 

Peter tried to interject, things were getting heated quickly. 

“Lads-” He tried. His eyes darted to James, whose hand had started to curl and uncurl in his lap, as if it had fallen asleep and he was trying to get feeling back into it. His eyes still showed no sign of recognition. 

“I’ll let you finish a sentence when you can come up with one that’s actually contributing to the bloody conversation!” Sirius just ignored Peter. 

“Maybe if you’re capable to actually have a conversation.” Remus spat. The moon was getting a bit closer, and Remus’s fuse was always a little shorter then. Sirius barked a laugh, his arm that wasn’t around James was thrown up in the air, the one around him, tightened, and brought the pale boy closer to himself. 

“Oh, I am perfectly capable of conversation.” Sirius yelled. 

James’s eyebrows started to knit together, Peter seemed to be the only one to notice. 

“ Lads!” He tried again. 

“SHUT UP PETER!” They both turned and yelled at him. They continued back with their conversation, or well, argument, instantaneously. 

Peter tried not to be hurt, realizing very quickly that their argument had completely taken both of them out of the world around them. They happened to do that a lot. Whenever they started to spit at each other, or quarrel, or bicker, or tease- Well, it’s easy to get the picture.

They would always become so engrossed in their own arguments and each other that they’d completely not even realize that the planet did in fact keep spinning without them actively present. 

“You absolutely are not capable, in fact, I feel like communication is something you simply cannot comprehend.” Remus continued, standing up from the bed at this point, getting more dramatic in his gestures. 

“Communication? Oh that’s rich coming from the bloke that barely wrote me over the summer.” 

“See?” Remus said. “You just shut it down and flip it on me! You can’t just talk about something. Sirius, genuinely, I don’t understand how you can just be this emotionally stunted.” Remus threw his arms up in exasperation. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and ran his bony fingers through his hair. Peter saw Sirius’s face get redder and a stumped look came across his face. 

James’s breath hitched, and all three boys came back to reality. 

Thank Godric. Peter thought. He was glad something pulled their attention from that argument before one of them took it too far. 

“James.” Sirius said, his voice suddenly soft and deeper. Remus had gotten back on the bed, leaning closer, hand on James’s knee, Pete scooted closer. James’s eyes blinked a bit heavier, his brows knit in a look of confusion, he pulled his arms to himself. 

“James?” Sirius asked again, rubbing his hand up James’s arm. James lifted his head, looking around to see his surroundings. 

“Hey mate,” Remus said softly. “How are you feeling?” James turned his gaze to Remus, furrowing his brow again. 

“I- I’m s-ss- sl-” He stuttered, trying to get something out. “S- ss-” He tried again. His chin ticked with each stumble over the syllable. There was a tired frustration in his eyes. 

“Sleepy?” Sirius guessed for him, he knew James got frustrated when he stuttered. James nodded, leaning into Sirius and closing his eyes. Pete grabbed his glasses off of his face and set them on his night-stand. 

“Let’s get you to sleep, right mate?” Sirius asked. James barely nodded before muttering something about “pointless” and letting Remus take off his shoes. 

Once James was in bed, and looked to be sleeping instead of well, dead, Remus sighed again. 

“I’ve got Patrol.” He huffed, grabbing his cane and leaning on it. “Keep an eye on him.” He said, shaking his head and leaving. 

Sirius rolled his eyes and looked to Peter. 

“Can you believe him?” He asked, pointing to the door. Peter looked at James. 

“It is getting close to the moon.” He offered, trying to play some kind of devil's advocate and lessen the tension between the two. 

“Bloody ridiculous.” Sirius huffed, his own eyes on James. 

Peter thought to the moon. They were always horrible, for everyone, but obviously Remus mostly. They had finally come up with a way to do so, and the idea had been brilliant. They had started to put it into effect in third year, but after James’s accident it had to be put on a hiatus. They hadn’t talked about it all summer, and they hadn’t had a chance quite yet. Maybe it would be a good conversation topic? 

“So uhm.” Peter started, fidgeting with his hands in his lap. “Do you think maybe it’s soon time to talk about the whole animagus thing again?” 

—-----

Chapter Text

—----~Remus Lupin 

Remus tried to ignore the aching in his hip as he walked through the large stone corridors. He had his cane, and it helped, but it was just an aid, not a cure. 

“For someone who’s hobbling, you sure walk fast.” Lily huffed, red locks flowing down her back and she strided quickly to keep up with Remus. 

“Get longer legs.” Remus quipped sarcastically, not slowing his pace. 

“Remus, I know you’re hurting.” Lily eyed him. Remus just laughed a single ‘Ha!’ 

“I’m being serious, Remus, what’s going on?” She asked, picking up her pace to walk in front of him, she turned around walking backwards. “I know you, you’re my friend, and something’s wrong.” 

Remus hated when people could call him out, he hated being seen. 

“Just Sirius being a prat.” Remus huffed. 

“What now?” Lily asked, still walking in front of him. Her arms swayed as she walked, her motions were graceful. Remus couldn’t deny that James was right about that. 

—

“She’s like a swan-” he swooned. He was drunk, laying on Sirius’s lap. “She’s graceful, like a ballerina.” 

“Ballet isn’t as pretty as it seems, Jim.” Sirius sighed, smiling, ruffling James’s hair. James giggled, mumbling something more about Lily being pretty, Sirius smushed a pillow in his face. 

James twisted and tackled Sirius, tickling his sides, making him squeal and scream, his voice awkwardly cracking with adolescence. 

Remus giggled, Peter howled, and James could hardly breathe himself, barely containing himself while torturing Sirius. 

It was such a nice memory, they had’t had a laugh like that since- 

—-

“Well, Remus?” Lily asked again, snapping in his face. 

Remus blinked, snapping out of that memory. Lily had snapped him out of it really, right before it had gotten too terribly bad.

“Well, it was about James, really.” He said, refocusing on the conversation at hand, slowing down a bit, and leaning on his cane more. Lily hummed, diverting her eyes to the floor instead of his eyeline.

“What about him?” Lily asked. Remus noted the shift in her voice, it became less steady. 

“It’s about that fight in the corridors earlier.” Remus started, fidgeting with the leather strap around his cane and wrist. 

“Did he get injured?” Lily asked, eyes perking back up. 

“Well, not quite. I’m pretty sure he had some kind of panic attack, he wound up kind of passing out and then dissasociating for a bit, it scared the bloody hell out of us.” He recapped. 

Lily hissed regretfully, “I had been too caught up with Marls.” 

“Don’t worry about that, we got him to bed just fine. But me and Sirius had gotten into a bit of a tiff about wether it was a panic attack or something with his head-” Remus had rambled. 

“His head? Like his accident?” Lily asked, sucking in a breath. 

Remus had remembered Lily’s reaction, he had never heard her actually scream before. His eyes almost started to tear at the memory. 

“Yeah…” He trailed off. 

“What was Sirius saying?”

“That his head injury was acting up, ‘cause earlier in the day he had said he had a headache, and had been acting all touchey since last night.” Remus explained. 

“A headache? He admitted to a headache?” Lily clarified.

“Aye.” Remus confirmed. 

“That worries me.” Lily said.

“Me too.” Remus agreed.

“Why did you think it wasn't that?” She continued. 

The duo turned the last corner in the corridor, and started to the stairs to move to the next floor. 

“Well, because he only got all zoned out after the fight, and after Mulciber got out of his grip, he kind of hunched over and started breathing all funny, and we had to calm his breathing down, I kinda helped him sit up, he was curled up pretty tight…” 

Remus took a deep breath. He didn't look at Lily because he knew he’d tear up at her reaction. Lily wore her heart on her sleeve, it was James’s favorite part about her, well Remus’s too- and Mary’s, well, everyones really, love was Lily Evans. 

“I helped him sit up and tried rubbing circles in his chest, Sirius kind of grabbed his face and forced him to breathe because he wouldn’t listen-” 

Remus couldn't help his next breath being shaky, he felt his feet come to a stop, hand gripping his cane. He pinched the bridge of his nose.

“It genuinely took us several minutes to get him to breathe like normal, and the whole time he thought he was dying , he was crying and telling us he was going to die, he was so sure of it, he just kept crying and crying and begging - but I don't think he even realized -” 

Remus hadn't realized how shaken up it had made him until Lily had wrapped her arms around his torso. Their height difference was comical, Remus standing a solid foot and a half taller than her, but it was still comforting. 

Remus’s arms shook as he hugged her back, ducking his head onto the top of hers. 

“Lily it scared me.” Remus whispered, Lily rubbed his back. “Lily for a second I believed him, sometimes I still can't believe he’s okay.” 

The confession hit him like a sack of bricks and he let go of Lily and pushed her away, wiping his face on his robes, pulling himself together. They were in the middle of the staircase for Merlin’s sake.

“Remus-” Lily said, a bit shocked. 

“It's fine.” Remus said, smiling. “Honestly.”

Lily looked at him a bit dumbfounded. Remus started up the stairs once more. Cane, good leg, bad leg. Repeat. Lily’s footsteps followed. Before Lily had the chance to open her mouth, Remus spoke again. 

“How’s Marlene?” He asked. Lily snapped her mouth shut with whatever she was going to say. 

“She's still in the hospital wing.” Lily muttered. “She got herself a broken nose, bruises all on her throat, a mild concussion, and a sprained wrist.” 

“Wow.” Remus said, a bit stunned. He hadn't realized how banged up she had been, he had been too quick to put his focus on Sirius. 

Speaking of- he’d need to find Sirius later, he should probably apologize for what he had said. He had a tendency to let his temper get the best of him when the full moon was close. He typically regretted his lashing out incidents. 

“How long will she be with Poppy for?” Remus asked, continuing the conversation when Lily remained silent. 

“Tonight and most of tomorrow, if she's good by dinner she'll be back in the dorms, if not, she'll be there for one more night and then she'll be out after breakfast.” 

“Do you know if she's off the team?” Remus asked, he mostly was asking for Sirius and James, he knew they'd want to know. 

“Unfortunately, I believe so.” She sighed. “It's just awful, she was attacked. She didn't throw the first punch, I just know she wouldn't. Not after last year.”

“Last year she did, though.” Remus pointed out. 

The first fight she had gotten into, was on the pitch. They had landed the game after James had hit the ground. Everyone landed their brooms, and stood on their respective sides, facing away from what was going on. 

It was unfair. His own teammates weren't allowed to look, but all the spectators in the crowd could be as nosy as they wanted. 

Frank Longbottom had to pull Sirius away from James, who had somehow made it down to the pitch from the stands in under a minute, putting him with the team, literally dragging him away from his best friend. 

Sirius couldn't stop crying, everyone could hear it. The stands were silent, the only noises were the sounds of Madam Pomfrey and Alice Longbottom, who had been her apprentice at the time, as they scurried and panicked and addressed what they could. Sirius’s sobs echoed, and the clouds covered the sun, and it was all too chilly on the pitch. 

An eerie silence fell with the clouds, and then a new sound was heard. There was heavy breathing- and then a yell. 

“ FUCK YOU!” Marlene started screaming. “FUCK YOU CROUCH!” 

She threw her broom, and took off her robe, leaving her in her quidditch pants and jersey. Her hair that had been done up nice at the beginning of the game was now messy from the wind and gameplay, sweat making her eye-black smear around her eyes and cheekbones. She looked vicious. 

Barty shouldered his way out of the crowd of his teammates, coming up and standing directly in Marlene’s path. Dorcas shoved her way up next to him, getting in between the two as Marlene approached the Slytherins. 

“ Marlene !” Dorcas hissed. “ This is not the time.”

Marlene scoffed. 

“Rich shit, Dorcas, fucking look at what he did.” Marlene got close to Dorcas, leaning down so her face was in Dorcas’s. She grabbed her jaw, turning her head towards where James lay, eyes rolled back in his skull, face bleeding from his broken glasses, how dark the grass had become- 

Marlene let go of her, stepping backwards. 

“ not the time !” Marlene mocked, waving her hands and speaking in a higher tone. “Crouch-” Marlene pointed behind Dorcas, straight at Barty’s chest. 

“Give your father my best.” She hissed. “Tell him he's got to put a leash on his boy.” 

“ MARLENE!” Dorcas yelled. “ NOW IS NOT THE TIME.”  

“ SHUT UP DORCAS!” Marlene yelled, throwing her arms up. Dorcas moved out of the way, for a moment it seemed like she thought Marlene would hit her. 

Marlene just laughed. Dorcas turned away, face reddening, and went back to the rest of her teammates. 

Barty tapped Marlene on the shoulder, she stiffened, glaring her eyes into his.

“Don't fucking touch me.” She hissed. 

“Speak of my father again, and I'll hit you harder than Potter .” He spat James’s name so hard it felt like a curse. 

Something came over Marlene, and she punched Barty straight in his jaw, making him stumble backwards- but only for a moment before lunging, and the two were suddenly on the floor brawling, fists and blood flying all over. 

Hands were covering both of them, pulling them apart. Barty was surprisingly near unconscious, and Marlene’s eyes were blown so wide you couldn't see the irises. The Slytherins pulled Barty to his feet, and led him away. 

Sirius scrambled to Marlene, same with Lily, Peter, and Remus, who had by now caught up to Sirius and reached the pitch. 

“You're alright, you're alright.” Lily cooed, holding Marlene in her lap, stroking her hair. 

Remus, Peter, and Sirius, all hugged, collapsing into each other. 

Marlene couldn't stop crying. Barty was sent to the hospital wing for a severe concussion and a broken jawbone. He had to regrow several teeth. 

This fight seemed nothing like the first. 

But nobody was there to see it start, except Sirius. But they hadn't had the time to talk about it yet. 

Remus felt stupid. Of course he was too caught up in his frustration to just ask him what happened. He felt so stupid. 

Him and Lily finished the second floor of their patrol, they continued up the stairs in silence, preparing to walk their third floor of patrol. 

—------~ Lily Evans 

Lily hated the awkward silence that had fallen. She felt weak, she felt like she needed to cry. 

“I miss his jokes.” She admitted. She was a bit shocked at herself, in all honesty. She didn't expect that to come out of her mouth.

“I do too.” Remus sighed. 

There was another silence that fell, but it wasn't a silence of awkwardness or pain and uncertainty, but of a shared sense of grief, a bit of confusion, but also understanding. 

They continued to walk, and then they rounded a corner to see Severus pacing a hallway, muttering to himself like he was thinking of something specific. 

The duo stopped, and Snape paused, suddenly noticing two new people around him. 

“Lily!” He gasped, a bit surprised. His gaze shifted. “Lupin.” His voice drug. 

“Sev, hello.” Lily said, curt and quickly, resuming walking, she just wanted to get past him. 

Remus nodded in Snape’s direction and followed her. 

“Lupin, I greeted you.” Snape called as Remus’s back faced him. Lupin stopped and turned around. Lily stood frozen watching, hoping that things wouldn't escalate. 

She knew Sev was going through something lately, he had been a twat all summer and rude. And she knew he had something to do with Barty and Marlene’s fight, she just knew it. 

“Snape.” Remus acknowledged him, turning back around and continuing to walk away. 

“Lily, don't you want to talk about something?” Severus prodded again. Lily just gaped, pulling her hands to her chest and picking at her nails. 

“Sev- I-” She stuttered. She didn't know why she was so nervous. “I don't think I want to talk to you right now.” She said. Her heart pounded, terrified as to what Sev would say. 

“Is this because of Marlene? Lils, that's not my fault.” Snape said, making his voice higher, and pressing his eyebrows together to look guilty. 

“I know, I just- I’m busy right now, Sev.” She said, walking backwards, trying to get further down the hall. Snape started to walk towards her and follow, but Remus put his hand out, stopping him with a palm on his chest. 

“Leave her be.” Remus said, his voice low. 

Lily’s heart hammered, she was scared. What would happen?

“This isn't cause of-” Snape started, something in his dark eyes flickered, and Lily felt a sting if guilt pang her chest. 

“This is about Potter isn't it?” He spat. Lily looked at the ground in shame. 

“Its not just James, Sev, it's just a lot right now-” She scrambled to find words to explain, still staring at her hands. 

“So he’s James now? Lily seriously-” Snape scoffed. “James is a pureblood prick- you think he gives a damn ?! Lils -” 

“Severus!” Lily snapped, interrupting him. “James has not once used my blood status against me, but you constantly tell me he sees me as lesser- Sev- that only makes me realize how little you must think of me because of my blood status.” 

Snape just stood, jaw dropped, hand gripping his wand tight. 

“Lily I-” He started, he went to push past Remus’s hand towards her. 

“Leave her be.” Remus went from a palm on Sev’s chest to a handful of his robes, he adjusted his stance to put more of his weight on his cane so he could hold a tighter grip on Snape. 

Snape just glared up at Remus, eyes dark and batty, a maniac smile on his lips.

“Learn to stand on your own two legs before you try standing up for someone else.” He spat, and then kicked his leg out, knocking Remus’s cane from his hand. Remus flinched, sucking in a yelp, and stumbling, losing his grip on Snape and barely catching himself just about on all fours.

His cane clattered a few feet away. 

Lily felt numb watching. Remus stood up, limping towards Snape. Lily tiptoed towards Remus’s cane, picking it up gently. 

“Im standing.” Remus growled, staring down at Severus. Snape grinned. Lily watched his hand twitch on his wand. She lunged forward, snatching it quickly from his hand. 

“Lily-!” He said, startled.

“ Both of you! ” She yelled. “ Enough!” 

Both boys did stop. She handed Remus his cane, and Severus his wand. 

“We leave this here. Severus, I’ll talk to you another time. We have to finish patrol.” She huffed. 

She grabbed Remus’s arm, and gently tugged him to start walking with her. Hs followed, trying to hide the fact he was putting weight on her. Snape turned around, and stormed off. Lily sighed, and tried to look Remus in the eye. 

“You can use your cane again- he’s gone.” She told him. He bit his lip. Reluctantly he put his cane down and started to shift his weight to it. 

“I’m sorry he's your friend.” Remus sighed. 

“I am too.” She agreed. 

—---------

Chapter Text

—---------~ Sirius Black 

Sirius wasn't sure how many more circles he needed to pace before he wore a ring into the floor of the astronomy tower. 

He often came here when he was horrendously overwhelmed, in over his head. Right now, he couldn't even place where to start thinking. 

He could start at that bloody conversation he couldn't get out of his head-

 Him and Peter had started to talk about their Animagus plan. They had started to implement it end of second year, a few months after initially learning about Remus’s furry little secret- and only had a few more steps to complete the process. But for this step, they all needed to focus. So they had to wait. 

Something Peter had said had really rubbed Sirius the wrong way. 

–

“We could, yannow… “ Peter had paused. “We could just do it without James.” 

–

Sirius had told him that was ridiculous, they’d wait for James and then figure it out from there. Peter still seemed unsure. He seemed eager to see what else he could become. 

Without James. 

That’s not a phrase he never liked to hear, but that he had been hearing more and more in the past months.

But how on earth could he go on living in his right mind knowing he’d be doing something so important without James? 

They'd already lied to James about enough, including about Marlene’s first fight. He had been told it happened after he had left Hogwarts early. The whole time, even till now, they’d kept the truth from him. How it had been right then, instant. Barely a few minutes after James had hit the grass. She had gotten a goose-egg and a busted lip, and an official warning that if she got into another fight- she would be banned from quidditch competitively and remedially. 

Nobody was allowed to tell him anything about the accident. They knew it was important for his memories to come back naturally, and to not be influenced by outside retellings. 

But James still didn't know the truth, and in all honesty, as it had spread, it had almost become the truth. It was over the summer! But the fact still remained there. It didn’t matter now. Marlene was now banned from Quidditch. 

Sirius felt sick. James hated lying. He was honest. Little lies for pranks were one thing, saving someone’s feelings were another, but when it came to serious things, when it came to honesty- James swore by it. 

There was a heat behind Sirius’s eyes that started to melt something in his mind, he felt the ice in his eyes turn to tears and threaten the dam of his waterline. 

Without James. Without James?!

It was bloody ridiculous. But he couldn't tell Remus about the animagus plan, and James was out of commission right now. Sirius once again felt alone. He had no one to go to. The realization hit between his shoulder blades. 

Sirius stopped pacing for a second, a sigh shaking his shoulders and weight settling in his arms made him sink to his knees. He put his arms out, and his head on the cold stone ground. He wrapped his arms around his ears, shuddering as a chill ran down his spine. 

He wanted James. He needed James. But James needed him right now- he needed to be strong. 

Sirius tried to ignore the warmth that started to grow in his throat. It was an uncomfortable heat. 

Strong for James at Hogwarts- strong for Regulus at Grimmauld. 

That was okay. It was okay- honestly. It was. 

Sirius sat up, pushing himself till his back was against the wall. The entrance was across and bit to the left from him.

He really tried not to cry. But his throat was too hot and he coughed, a sob following. The heat rose to his eyes and they started to water. He hated how high his voice sounded when he cried, he felt childish. He tried to be quiet, but it burned so bad that he couldn't help the amount of air escaping his lungs as he sobbed. 

His hands buzzed. Under his fingernails were pins and needles, it felt as if the ends of his nerves were trying to grow their way out of his nailbeds like roots growing through the dirt in a trail in the woods. 

His face burned with warm tears as his eyes just kept spilling- 

He couldn't stop, there was some kind of switch that had been flipped and he couldn't find it again to switch it off. He put his head in between his knees, chest heaving as he tried to catch his breath, maybe steady his tears, but his cries turned to silent screams, and he curled further into his arms.

All the tears he couldn't cry at home were making their way from their rusted wells that Sirius had kept pushing further back until now- after the dam had broken.

Being at home had been hard. It had been so quiet Sirius had sworn for a few days he had gone deaf. Regulus and him rarely saw each other, and their parents had become so elusive yet so quick to catch a slip that the boys had started to feel as though their parents had become the manor itself. The walls had gained eyes, and they had lost their mouths. 

The only thing keeping Sirius from truly going insane, and the only things that kept him from knowing he really could still hear were the sounds of knives, forks, and dishes against the tables during the otherwise silent meals. 

The walls had become darker, the candle’s flames couldn't even stay bright enough in that dark dark house. 

Regulus had crawled into Sirius’s bed one night. 

Sirius jumped at first, but Regulus clamped a hand over his mouth before he could scream. 

“C'est juste moi, stupide frère” He whispered again. Sirius furrowed his eyebrows in frustration after realizing it was his brother, not a threat. 

He felt so stupid lately- jumpy at everything. Things he shouldn't be. He felt paranoid all the time, there was always something around a corner. He knew it, he could feel it. Everytime he turned the corner to face an empty hallway and he was proven wrong- it only made him more paranoid. 

It was never safe to not assume, prepare for the worst and hope for the best. 

Prepare for the worst. 

That had been something Regulus had told him. It had been that and a name- 

Voldemort. 

A dark radicalist who had been gaining some serious traction. His ideologies had been spreading through a lot of the pureblood families. 

The Blacks, obviously. The Rosiers- the Lestrsnges, Malfoys, The Crouches, it felt like some kind of weird “fucked up family reunion to be”

He knew Regulus was friends with a lot of them. He knew a lot of them as well. He hated them. 

They made his life hell. 

They almost took James away. 

Sirius almost lost his brother, and if Regulus kept hanging around them-

Sirius's head began to swim and he realized during his spiral he had held his breath, silencing his sobs only for a moment before gasping- air rushing to his lungs and oxygen to his head. Another sob escaped as his mind cleared, the dizziness dissipating, only making it easier for him to overthink. 

He needed someone. But he can't tell anyone what's going on- so why bother? 

He felt alone. Sirius Black, was alone. 

Even the sound of his cries left him, and once again he was met with an eerie silence. His breathing was the only thing he could hear. His eyes focused on the stone of the tower. 

He wasn't sure how long he had laid there, but it had been enough for the temperature to drop a few degrees, and for the tears on his face to have dried. 

He should probably get back soon- check the time. He was probably late for something. He was always late for something. He just needed to get up. 

He closed his eyes. He tried to visualize himself getting up, sitting up straight, pushing himself to his own two feet- he could do it- 

“Sirius!” A familiar voice- Remus- whispered gently. 

Sirius took a sharp inhale, eyes snapping up to meet Remus’s eyeline. Remus was kneeling next to him, cane set on the ground. 

“Remus-” Was all Sirius could say. 

“Sirius what's going on?” Remus asked, worried. 

“I-” Sirius stared, baffled. He hadn't been expecting Remus at all. 

“Oh, Sirius.” Remus leaned in, wrapping his arms around Sirius, squeezing tight enough his own arms shook. Sirius just leaned in, letting Remus hold him. 

“I’d been looking for you.” Remus said into his neck. Sirius tried to ignore the way his skin tingled, sending little zaps with the buzz of Remus’s words. 

“I-” Sirius was unsure if what to say. “I want James.” He whispered, shakily. He didn't know if that was the right thing to say- but apparently it was good enough. 

“Me too.” Remus whispered back. 

“What are you doing here?” Sirius squeaked. 

“I came to find you, my patrol was over and it's almost time for dinner.” Remus said calmly, sitting back. 

“Oh.”

The two boys sat there for a moment. Sirius gazed into Remus’s green eyes, they were deep like a forest, and Sirius could get lost in them. He could feel his face heating up. 

“What’s the matter, Sirius?” Remus asked again. “Please, honestly Sirius, I care about why you’re upset you my best mate.” 

Sirius’s eyes threatened to water again at Remus’s sincerity. He wanted to tell Remus so bad, but he knew that he couldn’t. He drew his knees close up to his chest, and started to twirl one of his long dark curls around his finger. 

“I-” Sirius gaped. “I’m scared of what my mother is going to make me do, I’m scared I’m going to lose all of my friends, I’m scared I’m going to lose my brother and yes-” He stopped Remus before Remus could interrupt. “I mean Regulus.” 

Sirius sighed. Then he continued. 

“I’m tired, I’m scared, I feel horrible and guilty, I’ve barely eaten today, my best mate seemed like he was right dying, I want to try out for quidditch, Marlene’s in the hospital wing, you’re obviously in pain- Snivellus said he’s going to go at us again-” Sirius kept rambling. His tears had stopped, and now it was just a frustrated rush of hot air. 

“Sirius-” Remus’s jaw stayed open for a moment. “I know it’s hard, and it’s scary, but we will find out what to do for all of it.” He paused, putting a finger to Sirius’s lips. Sirius could feel his face and ears start to heat up. 

Remus looked around, like he was trying to find the words. 

“It’s just the beginning of the year, it’s a rocky start- aye?” He asked. Sirius nodded. “But it’s a start, not a story, not an ending- ok?” He asked again. Sirius nodded, this time with a hum. 

“Perfect?” Remus asked. 

“Perfect.” Sirius replied. “Should we go see James?” He asked on top of that. 

Remus nodded. “Yeah, he’s got to eat dinner at some point, either in the dorm or with Poppy, and that’s what we’ll figure when we wake him.” 

They sat for a moment more, Sirius sighed, then wiped his face. He was sure there had to have been some kind of grime on it from his tears and the dirt from the stone floors. 

“Should we go?” Remus asked, nudging Sirius’s shoulder. 

“Yes.” Sirius said. He stood, holding his arm out for Remus to take. Remus held his arm with his right hand, and his cane with his left, helping himself up with a grunt.

The two set off down the several flights of stairs in front of them. 

“Do you think James will be alright?” Sirius asked. He could feel Remus’s eyes glint over him. He ignored them. 

“I think we'll see.” Remus said. “No matter how he is now, he will be ok.” 

Sirius just stared forward. They crossed the bridge, headed through the halls, and through the fat lady’s portrait. He hadn't even realized they had come so far, his brain had been somewhere else. 

Remus tugged his sleeve as they approached the dorm door. 

“It’l be alright, Sirius.” Remus hummed, putting his hand on his shoulder. Sirius’s chest sparked with something, it felt like fireworks. 

It made him believe Remus. 

He felt like it might be ok. 

There could be a chance. 

There might be.

—-------------------------------------

Chapter Text

—------~ James Potter 

In all honesty, James had been awake for probably an hour now. He woke up feeling groggy, but otherwise fine. He had little to no memory of what had happened after the fight between Marlene and Barty. He didn’t know how he had gotten back up to his dorm, or into his bed, or who had taken off his shoes. He almost didn't want to know. 

He kept his eyes closed. He didn’t want anyone to know he was awake. He wasn’t sure who was still in the room. It was quiet, but everyone could be doing things silently. Maybe they were doing rounds to watch him. He had no clue. So he kept his eyes closed. And he laid there. And he felt nothing but pity for himself. 

Why was he so stubborn? Why did he feel so shitty one minute and fine the next? What had happened earlier? 

It was bloody embarrassing. He had had a complete breakdown in front of everyone- in front of Snape of all people. James wished he could melt further into the bed. Maybe he could stay there forever, sleep everything away until he rotted. It wouldn’t be much different than his pity party now. 

He heard the door to the dorm squeak. Two sets of footsteps walked in- James could tell by the clacking of a cane and thumping of boots that it was Remus and Sirius. He heard shuffling for the first time in awhile from the other side of the room. 

“Bloody hell- Pete did you fall asleep?” Sirius whisper yelled. 

“Sorry!” Peter yawned. James felt the bed dip beside him. He heard Remus’s cane clink as it was set on the ground. A long bony hand set on his shoulder, nudging him gently. 

“James, mate.” Remus whispered. James pretended to still be asleep. He didn’t want to give away his act yet. Remus shook his shoulder again. “ Jamie” He sing-sang a bit louder. The nickname sent a twist through his throat, and James’s stomach panged with guilt at lying to his friends. He shifted under Remus’s hand, starting to “wake up.” 

“James!” Sirius joined, sitting on James’s other side. He heard the bedpost creak as someone leaned on it. He assumed Pete. 

James fluttered his eyes open, and rolled over, sitting up, and leaning against his headboard. 

“Easy, mate.” Remus urged, his hand still resting on James’s shoulder. “How’re you feeling?” 

James blinked at him, he couldn’t quite make out his facial features- his glasses- 

He turned to his nightstand to fumble for them, but Sirius was already there, handing them to him. He put them on, his friends worried faces coming into focus. That only made him feel worse. He gulped. 

“I- I- I’m alright.” he stuttered. He was- honestly. He just felt humiliated is all. He knew his face was reddening with the warmth that tinged his ears. He ducked his head, not meeting anyone’s eyeline. Sirius spoke up again, hand on his knee. 

“Wanna talk about earlier?” He asked. James stared at the blankets in front of him. 

He assumed Marlene was off the team now. He was too scared to clarify. He knew Sirius wanted to try out for beater, and he knew Sirius didn’t know he had overheard. 

He knew he had panicked. 

He knew time seemed to freeze- almost like he left his body. That had happened earlier too- in charms with Regulus. What did it mean?  

He felt pathetic, that all of that had happened so suddenly. There had been no break- no grace period to get back into a rhythm. 

So - No. He didn’t want to talk about earlier. But he lifted his eyes to meet his brother’s. They were so wide, so worried. James felt guilty. Sirius needed him right now, and he needed Sirius. His eyes stung, threatening to well up, but he held the tears back. 

“I-” He started. “Is Marlene- is- is-” He bit his lip. Sirius squeezed his knee, Remus put his arm around his back, moving his hand to the further shoulder. Peter moved from leaning on the bedpost to sitting by his feet. 

“Marlene’s ok, she’s in the hospital wing.” Remus said. He was calm, which was reassuring to James. “Lily told me on patrol that she had a broken nose, bruises on her throat, a mild concussion, and a sprained wrist.” 

James gulped, that was worse than he had thought. He hoped Barty shared at least double. 

“She’ll be out tonight, or tomorrow morning.” Remus continued. “She’ll be alright, mate.” 

James just nodded silently. 

“What about Snape?” James asked again. Remus sucked in a breath. “Ran into him on patrol too.” 

“What?” Sirius piped up, “You did?” 

“Er- It wasn’t too big of a thing- he was just nasty to Lily.” Remus lied, embarrassed. 

“Is Lily alright?” James asked, mouth moving before his mind. His face started to heat up at her name. 

“She’s alright, just a bit shaken, I believe.” Remus said. “I think her and Snape are fighting at the moment.” 

“Bummer.” Sirius snickered, lightly shoving James knee. James just gave a small smirk in reply. 

His eyes glanced to Peter. Peter had been acting odd to him lately. It was moments where he adored James, would be all over him and talk to him, only want to tell him things, talk about how they’d been friends for so long so their friendship was most special- 

And then there were moments where Peter completely ignored James. A moment this summer where he remembered it vividly- James had wanted to see Peter before he left for his trip. There were about two weeks where they could’ve. James tried- he did- Peter lived a few houses down! He had seen Marlene! 

During that time, James was still recovering from what had happened after he had to have been sent home early. He knew his voice sounded weird then, he stuttered, it was a bit slow. He knew it was hard to look at him, his hair was way spiker than it normally was. The new cowlicks around the scars on his skull sent his dark curls in wild directions. But Peter would ignore him, and it hurt. Was it that difficult to talk to him? Had he done something to Peter? He would hope Pete would say something, but he wouldn’t. All of his owls came back, letters still attached to their legs. 

During the school year, Peter would cling to James. He’d stride around with him, laugh loudly at his jokes, be right at his side while celebrating a win, a victory in a duel, a success with a prank, and they were there for each other. 

He loved Peter. He did. He never had siblings, his parents struggled with infertility. James had been a rainbow baby. His parents had failed multiple pregnancies before, so James was a miracle. He was something hopeful. He was just as excited as his parents at the idea of having siblings. When he was 10, he almost had a little sister.  

But he grew up with Peter regardless. A few houses down. Always, every summer, just the two of them. Marlene moved in the same year Hogwarts started, she was from Poland and needed to be closer. They grew close in those summers. 

He called Sirius his brother, they were just that close, but Peter was with him all his childhood. 

He wasn’t sure what had been going on with Peter lately, he tried getting him to talk like he used to. 

He understood why Lily kept trying with Snape. 

“Yeah- buh- bummer.” James grinned back. 

“Do you think you’re good enough to go get some dinner, Jim?” Peter asked. James’s grin stayed. 

“I reckon.” He said, leaning his head on Remus’s shoulder, and then shifting, patting Sirius’s hand, then swinging his legs over the side of his bed. 

“You sure, mate?” Sirius asked again. “Hows your head?” 

James cringed at the question, but he figured it was coming. 

“I’m sure, and my head is alright, Siri.” 

“Alright.” 

The boys started to walk down to the great hall, dinner had already started and they hoped to make it with enough time to at least find a decent seat and some good food. 

James kept his eyes peeled as they walked. He wanted to see if Marlene was at dinner. He felt horrible that he couldn’t have done more to help her. He didn’t see her, his eyes scanned the table. Lily, Mary- no Marlene. He looked over to Slytherin- maybe she was with Dorcas? He could never tell if they were enemies or friends. But no, Dorcas was sitting with a blonde girl- Pandora, James recalled. As well as Sirius’s little brother. The rest of the Slyhterins were there as well, but his eyes lingered on the dark haired boy. There was something James was forgetting- he knew it.

Regulus looked up, having sensed eyes on him. James locked eyes with him, silver meeting brown. James felt pierced. He flinched, and moved along to his table with his mates. Remus had sat next to Lily, and Sirius next to Remus. Mary was sitting across from Lily, Peter on the side across from Sirius. James gulped, and slid next to Lily on her left. 

“Evans.” He smiled, she grinned back, even wider. 

“James.” She beamed. 

Kill me James swooned. His chest melted, his legs felt like butter. 

Lily’s face was so beautiful. She had pale skin, light freckles cast over her cheekbones, she had freckles on her eyelids, gathered under her eyes, spread to the tips of her ears, down her jawline- her neck, her throat- her collarbone- chest- her chest-  

James' gut felt warm, and he wasn’t sure if he was feeling nauseous, nervous, sick, dizzy, or what because there was a tug in his lower gut wanting to pull him closer to her. His leg had shifted, brushing against hers. He quickly pulled it away, embarrassed. Lily blushed, a smile lingering on her pale lips as she turned away. 

“How are you feeling?” She asked, eyes flickering to meet him, then back to her plate in front of her. 

“Better.” He grinned, leaning his elbows on the table. He reached over and grabbed some turkey to put on his plate, he passed it to Sirius who had been making motions for James to pass his plate, and piled some kind of potatoes and broccoli onto it. 

He started to eat. 

“How's Marlene?” He asked. 

“She’s staying the night, her head was still hurting her bad.” Lily sighed, biting her lip. James’s eyes lingered on her bottom lip as she spoke again. “She’ll be out tomorrow morning though.” 

James nodded, his eyes not moving. Lily cleared her throat, and he froze, blushing and finally looking at her eyes. He stuttered an apology and she waved him off, blushing harder, and turning back to her plate, trying to get into Mary and Peter’s conversation. 

James’s face flushed- what was he doing? Staring at her lips- he looked like a bloody creep . He focused on his food, ignoring how heavy it felt in his gut. Maybe that was the guilt of the awkwardness of the pure embarrassment he felt at making the beautiful Lily Evans uncomfortable.  

Someone slid in across from him at the table. Mary squealed, a bit shocked at the rough entry. Dorcas had come over, and she reached over, slamming her fist on the table in front of Sirius, aking him jump. 

“I have to find out from Severus that you’re trying out for beater?” She exclaimed loudly. 

Sirius’s jaw drops, his eyes widening. James held his breath, watching intently. Sirius’s eyes flickered over to James’s, and his face broke. 

“I’m so sorry, james, I didn’t tell you but I-” He started to gush, hands out nervously. 

James had already known, so it wasn’t like it was a surprise. But Sirius thought it was. James just smiled and shook his head. 

“I’m pr- prou- proud mate.” he stuttered, looking back at his plate, and then to Dorcas, then back to his plate. His leg bounced rapidly. His heart beat in his chest. He knew he couldn’t avoid quidditch. He had to get used to that. He had to. 

“Sirius!” Dorcas barked. 

“I was waiting to say!” He defended himself. “I don’t even know if I’ll make it!” 

“Well- I want to know!” She said, tapping Jame’s arm, pulling his attention up. “And what about you? Are you coming back now that you’re all good?” 

The question was coming. 

He knew it had been coming. 

His breath hitched, his face paled, he could feel the blood draining from his hands and face and chest. He felt dizzy. His leg had stopped bouncing, he had gone deathly still. He felt a warm hand on his thigh. Red hair fell into his peripheral vision- Lily. 

He knew the question was coming. 

“I- I- I-” He stuttered, his tongue betraying him, freezing with every attempt at a syllable. He took a quick breath, trying to focus on the orange in his vision and the palm shaped warmpth on his leg, moving up and down, going from his knee up to- 

Something in his chest snapped, and his breathing hitched. He must’ve flinched, because Lily withdrew her hand, and the red in his view disappeared. 

He could hear Sirius start to say something so he put his hand up. 

“Le- le- let m- muh-” He breathed “Let m-me tal-talk.” He stuttered, quickly and frustrated. He hated how bad it got when he was nervous. It was fucking pathetic. He sounded pathetic. 

It used to be constant- it could be worse- Those thoughts didn’t comfort him anymore. He still felt ridiculous. 

He took as deep of a breath as he could without choking on his heartbeat. It was rapid. He thought carefully about his next words- he didn’t want to stutter. He knew he would,he was panicking too hard and trying too hard to hide it, he just wanted to do damage control at this point so he didn’t get completely tongue tied and lose the ability to speak at all . 

“I- I’m sorry, Dor- Dorcas.” He started, carefully stringing together his sentences. “But I- I-’m n- no-” 

He started to choke on his words, this time because of a ball in his throat, tears threatening in his eyes- he didn’t realize how hard it would be to say once he got to Hogwarts. In front of all his friends. His former teammates, his would be teammates, his best teammate in the hospital wing- it was way harder than he had anticipated. 

“I’m not coming ba- back to quidditch.” He finished, tongue feeling heavy in his mouth, his jaw ached with the extra effort to stay on the word. His head felt too heavy to lift and look into his friends eyes. 

He did anyway, and his stomach dropped even further, and that cold feeling spread through his body once more. His eyes found Sirius’s. Sirius had known, so had Marlene, and probably a few others. They at least figured it was unlikely James would be making a return. But actually saying it out loud- made it a bit too real. 

Sirius’s eyes were filled with something so intense, James could feel it coming off of him, even from behind Moony. 

“Oh.” Dorcas said, sensing that she had asked the question without thinking. She had a tendency to speak without thinking. That’s why her and Marlene got along so well- and also why they didn’t. “I’m sorry, James.” 

“A- a- all good, Dorcas.” James said, eyes drifting back to his plate. “I- I might not be fly- flying, bu- but I still kno- know you snakes are going do- down.” He attempted, trying to throw out a bit of banter. He hated the awkwardness. It hurt just as bad as that fall had. 

“That so?” She asked, slyly. “Is Sirius really that big of a game changer?” She asked, going along with the vibe. James felt everyone shifting in their seats, trying to latch onto the bit of playful rivalry. 

“Hey!” Sirius quipped, standing from the bench, pointing at Dorcas. “I am incredible!” He squawked. Remus giggled, pulling him back down. James smiled, bouncing his leg again, feeling a bit less frozen. 

Mary smiled, blushing at Sirius. She was giggling at him goofing off in Remus’s grip, pretending to be held back from leaping across the table to fight Dorcas. 

James noted the pink spreading on Remus’s cheeks, the same shade as Mary’s. Both of their eyes fell onto Sirius. Sirius' eyes were shut in laughter. Dorcas’s eyes fluttered to the great hall doors, and James wondered if she was thinking of Marlene. Those two had something special. James didn’t know if it was healthy or not- but it was something of their own. 

He was scared to look next to him, his eyes having drifted to everyone else, watching where their eyes went. He hadn’t stopped feeling her presence next to him- how could he? She was radiant. She glowed. Her energy seemed to surround her like a cloud, like a sweet perfume you could smell as she walked past you in a corridor. 

He couldn’t help it. She was gravitational. He looked at her, trying to be subtle, just to see where she was looking- 

He never realized how green her eyes were. Remus’s eyes were dark, hazel, like a forest. Lily’s were something else altogether. 

They were like the dragonflies that flew around the lake at home, they reflected like the emeralds encrusted onto the doors in the dungeons by the potions room. They were bright, like sunlight filtering through the willows in the gardens. They were blooming, they were bright, they were enchanting, and they were staring back into his. 

Neither of them looked away. 

James froze, thinking of how he looked. His own eyes were just dark brown, there wasn’t anything special about that. At least he thought so.  He had thick eyelashes and brows, dark features on his brown skin. He had a strong nose, soft lips. He was tall, and built like an athlete- albeit having lost a bit of weight in the past months. 

He hoped he was something pleasant to look at- because the look in Lily Evans' eyes wasn’t a look he had seen lately. 

He had been used to looks of pity. He had been used to looking into the eyes of his friends and only seeing worry, or concern, or disbelief in what he was saying- why did no one believe him anymore? 

But the look in Lily’s eyes- James wished he could take a picture to study. 

Because James couldn’t tell. But it didn’t make him panic- quite the opposite actually. 

Gazing into Lily Evans’s eyes- James Potter could only think one thing; 

I need her to keep looking at me like that . 

The rest of dinner went well. Things tht night were typical. Falling asleep was normal, and so was waking up. 

Marlene was released, and the news was broken to her that it was official; she was banned from quidditch altogether. It had been a sad and quiet next few weeks, only the typical banter and tiffs happening. Everyone had been trying to keep things low key, making a new normal was a group effort. 

They had gotten into a typical rhythm, things were going well, and that time passed quick. So quick, James had only noticed how much had passed because of something that happened in the common room. 

The fire was warm and cracking, the summer heat lingered during the day, but eh late August breezes drifted through the tall Gryffindor tower, and the group was huddled in the common room, their typical spots filled. 

James and Sirius claiming the couch, Lily in her deep armchair, Mary sitting in a rocking chair by the fire, one leg pulled up, the other rocking her chair. Marlene and Dorcas were dogpiled in another sofa by the door, Peter on the floor by James’s legs, and Remus sprawled out on the carpet in front of the fireplace- too tall to spread out on a couch, and too achey to sit up straight for hours. 

Lily had been chatting away with Mary, Dorcas and Marlene were talking about something, James and Sirius had been bickering with peter about something for herbology, and Remus had been asleep. 

“Should we wake him?” Sirius broke the bickering. James followed his gaze to Moony, who was out cold on the floor. “He’s gonna be awful sore if he keeps laying like that- the next moons what-” 

“Three days” Peter chirped up.

James gulped. He hadn’t realized it had almost been an entire month. There had been a moon right before this year had started, and now they were three days away from being a month in. 

Time flies- huh? 

“Evans!” Sirius whisper shouted, Lily looked over, confused. “Can you nudge him up?” He asked her, pointing to Remus. She peeked over, and nodded, understanding. She reached her foot out, nudging his shoulder. He didn’t move.

“Remus!” She said gently, nudging him harder. Nothing. She got up, kneeling down, and shaking him, rubbing her hand up and down his jumper sleeve. “Wake up, Remus- you’re gonna be all sore if you sleep on the floor.” 

He just furrowed his brow in response. Lily frowned, and Sirius piped up from the couch. 

“He alright?” He asked. Lily shrugged. 

“Remus.” She said, feeling his forehead. “No fever.” She announced, shaking his shoulder again. “Remus, come on, mate.” She said, putting her Prefect girl voice on. 

Remus’s eyes fluttered open. 

“What the fuck do you want?” He asked, low and frustrated. His voice was gravelly with exhaustion. 

Lily wasn’t phased. Sirius got off the bed, and came over to them. 

“Moony, you’re gonna be all sore if you keep laying on the floor.” he tried reasoning. Remus just groaned, hiding his face. “Does your head hurt?” He asked Remus. Remus nodded, keeping his face hidden. 

Sirius kicked into autopilot, asking him all of the yes and no questions, getting his meds, and helping him up to the dorms. He knew that Sirius wouldn’t be back down, that tomorrow he’d get breakfast for Moony, then bring him to the hospital wing after dinner, where he’ll give him all the notes he collected for Remus during the day, then he’d skip classes the next day to be with Remus until the moon that night. 

James sat back, sighing. 

Time was moving too quickly. 

When Remus and Sirius had gotten upstairs, something sparked in the back of his head. He remembered something- he needed to talk to Sirius and Peter about. He leaned down where Pete was on the floor. 

“We gotta talk about Remus’s furry little problem then.” He said. He saw Peter tense- odd. 

“Well talk about that tomorrow, ok?” He added. James nodded. 

Time was moving quick, and it sure as hell didn’t stop for anything. And James had to get used to that. He was starting to get used to it. 

Chapter Text

(READ BEGINNING CHAPTER NOTES!! IMPORTANT BEFORE YOU READ THIS!!) 

------~ James Potter 

It was quiet in the common room. It was late, the only sounds were the ticking of the grandfather clock, the owls outside, and the crackling of the fire in front of him. James sat alone on the plush red couch. His muscles were sore- in a good way- like he had just flown a good workout. He hadn’t- of course- he wasn’t sure why he was so sore- but it felt oddly gratifying when he stretched his arms over his head, pushing his hips up, cracking his neck, and sinking his head back on the couch. 

The fire was still warm, and he was still awake. He wasn’t sure where everyone had gone to at this point, but he didn’t care. He felt oddly light, lighter than he had in a long time. His mind drifted to his friends, oh how he had missed them. It had been lonely during the summer, he hadn’t seen much of anyone. 

Shame filled James’s gut, so many feelings had hit him when everyone had re-united once more. There had been a few thoughts that had come to his mind about his friends- and he was having a proper crisis about it. 

Sirius had looked like a rockstar- that had been his honest to Merlin first thought when he had seen him again. His hair was curly and shaggy, his eyes were silver and his lashes were long. He had learned how to apply eyeliner from Marlene, and had done it in the bathroom before coming to their carriage car. When he wasn’t in robes and wearing his typical clothes, it was insane- 

Insanely attractive. Ripped jeans, band shirts worn so thin you could see the outline of his skinny taught muscle through them. He wasn’t shredded, he wasn’t bulky, but Sirius black was still strong. He had muscle, but it was wiry, strung throughout his body like a tight guitar string. One would think it was so tight it’d snap, but no- it was just electric. 

And Remus had gotten tall . Like- not just tall- but tall. His jumpers didn’t quite fit him, they all rose a little short above his hip bones when he raised his arms above his sides. But Moony had an incredibly toned body, despite his limitations, his lycanthropy had at least blessed him with incredible physical strength. Everyone had a thing for Moony- that was just Moony. 

But oh wow- his eyes this year, they returned to where they always had landed. 

Lily Evans. 

The heat in his gut got hotter- too hot for shame to survive. The heat moved from his stomach a little further down. Fuck.  

Lily. Lily.  

The heat poured thoughts into his mind, and just continued to get hotter and hotter. James squirmed, he felt like he needed to stretch again, his stomach feeling tight. 

Lily was drop dead gorgeous. Her face was porcelain, her eyes enchanting. Her lips were a pale pink, like the Sari his mami wears when guests come over. And her hair- it trailed down her back, her waist, it was so long it only ended a few inches past her rear- 

Her hair looked soft, he wanted to touch it, run his hands through it. He wanted to know what ehr fingers would feel like in his hair, what it would feel like if her fingers got caught around one of his curls, tugging, a little sharp, 

James bit his lip, head pushed further back into the couch. He hadn’t been sure what to do with his hands, they had just been pawing at the cushions beside him as his thoughts ran, and ran, and ran, 

His hands started to wander- his left hand to his forehead, fingers running through his curls, his right hand fumbled with the zipper of his hoodie, he was so hot- sweat beadeed at his hairline.

Lily Evans was everything. She was brilliant. You could ask her any question and she’d have an answer. If anyone needed help you could go to Lily Evans. 

And her laugh was so stunning-   And she had a smile when she was proven right that sent electricity through James. There was another smile she had that she only seemed to wear when she proved James wrong.  

That smile drove James mad. 

Oh he felt mad. His mind seemed to be filled with delirium, because for some reason there was just no stopping his train of thought. Everything was swirling around him, He squirmed, there was a hard heat further in his gut. There was a heat that he needed to find, it was building, and his thoughts kept going- and all he could think about was- 

A soft hand was on top of his, still fumbling with his hoodie zipper. 

Lily Evans

Her long soft fingers traced along his own rough hands. The small touch sent James into a shock, and he sat there, stunned, brown eyes wide, jaw slightly dropped, hips twitching, appalled, as Lily Evans sat on the couch next to him, and unzipped his hoodie. 

She took it off, leaning over his lap, and laying it on the arm of the couch beside them. James squirmed, trying his hardest not to make a noise as her hand rested on his thigh, and arse right in front of his face. James just continued to stare as she sat back. 

“What are you doing out here, James?” She asked, her voice sweet and intoxicating. James could die then and there and be happy- but he couldn’t yet- there was something so urgent that needed to be taken care of. 

“Not sure.” he admitted, eyes shifting from hers to her lips, back to her eyes. “Couldn’t sleep.” He guessed. He really wasn’t sure what he was doing out here- or when everyone else had gone up- 

“Me either-” She said, bringing his thoughts back to the present moment. “Is there anything on your mind?” She asked, scooting a little closer to him on the couch. 

Oh you have no idea , James thought. Lily would be absolutely disgusted if she knew what James had been thinking about, or what he had been feeling- or how he’s feeling now. 

Everything in him felt stiff, sore, needing to be stretched- 

“You seem tense-” Lily said, leaning closer, hand landing on his thigh. 

James sucked in a breath. The heat that was in his lower stomach started to stiffen. His Pajama pants became very uncomfortable all of the sudden. 

He didn’t feel tense- well he did, but not like normal. 

“I’m not tense, Lily-” He said, he took a breath in as Lily’s hand wandered up his leg. He tried not to move his hips upwards. “I just couldn’t sleep, honestly.” James was surprised at how smooth his words were coming out for how nervous he was. 

“Are you sure?” She asked. Her other hand wandered to his neck, where she started to rub, working at a knot in his upper shoulder. The heat in her hands spread through his body and this time he couldn’t help the groan that slipped from his lips. He shifted on the couch again, hoping his thin Pajama pants would provide something- but they didn’t. James wanted desperately to just take care of it- but he couldn’t. Not now. 

He shifted his hips, and the hand that had been on his thigh moved to his other shoulder, and he absolutely melted under the touch. Lily continued to rub circles in his neck, but it was a bit of an awkward position- her sitting next to him and rubbing his shoulders. 

Without having to mention anything, Lily started to move to get a better position for his shoulders. Instead of moving behind the couch, or telling him to sit on the floor, Lily quickly shifted from her sitting position to straddling James’s lap, hands laid on his neck. 

James sucked in his breath, eyes wide, hands frozen, heart hammering- his head was swimming-  

He knew it was obvious what was running through his head- he knew Lily could tell. He held his breath waiting for her response. 

He let that breath out with a whine, as her response was to shift her hips down onto his, moving her hands further up James’s neck, making him have to duck his head as her fingers went up the back of his head into his hair. 

Merlin- Merlin- Fuck.  

James’s thoughts were melted, they were incoherent, he might as well have not had a brain at all. 

He couldn’t help his hips moving up, for Merlin’s sake her hips were moving down on his, and his breaths were deep and heavy and he bit hip lip hard trying not to groan under her hands as they worked on his neck, and in his hair-  

He felt something and opened his eyes, Lily’s hands were fumbling on the strings of his PJ pants, and suddenly the heat was less tight, and James’s went numb, his mind blank, and the only thing keeping him from absolutely crumbling right then and there was looking up at Lily, he knew he looked pathetic, but Lily was just so gorgeous- 

“You can always tell me what’s on your mind, Jamie.” She smiled, leaning close, her forehead touching his. James closed his eyes, focusing on that point- the point where their third eyes met- 

“Lily-” He started. He could tell Lily everything. Anything she wanted to know, he’d tell her. Anything she’d ask of him, he’d do. “Lily-” He repeated. 

Her hips moved faster, a steady rhythm picking up. James placed his hands on her hips, keeping her in place, adding more pressure. She started to lean a little further, even more pressure, going faster, making him dizzier- 

“Lily-” He spoke again, his voice higher and a bit whinier. The heat was building pressure, His mind melted, everything went blank except for the pressure- the heat, Lily, her  hips, his muscles still felt sore, but they hurt so good as he tensed, losing control of himself as Lily continued, 

“Lily!” He groaned, placing his palm over his mouth. 

“James-” She said, her own voice breathless. 

Hearing her was the last bit for James. He bit his hand, starting her name once more, it felt so good to say her name, he had been speaking so clearly . 

He couldn’t finish saying her name again, as it morphed into a groan, the heat in his hips building to such a pressure that it ached- it ached so bad- he couldn’t stand it

There had to be something- one last thing- 

James opened his eyes- one last look at Lily-

And then he opened his eyes. He was in his bed. In his dorm. 

Fuck.  

His muscles were weak, he was sweating, and his hips ached. His mind still swirled and there was still a firm heat in his pajamas and- 

James shifted in his bed, his right hand wrapping around himself. He drug his hand up and James found quickly that he probably didn’t even need to touch himself- because his left hand quickly clamped over his mouth to stifle the whiny moans that came from his throat as he spilled over his hand. 

James panted for a moment, staring at his hand and now messy blankets. 

He had just had a wet dream about Lily Evans. 

It had been bad. 

He felt disgusting. She was- was she even his friend? He was no better than any other creep that hit on her- no better than how he used to follow her around and fawn over her- she hated him- 

He deserved that. He sighed, wiping his hand off and reaching for his wand. 

He cleaned up his mess quietly, and crawled back under his covers. He could get a few more hours in yet. 

He closed his eyes once more. 

This time his thoughts weren’t about Lily. 

They were about how at least in his dreams- 

He didn’t stutter.

Chapter Text

—------~ James Potter 

the second time James woke up that morning- it had been to the sound of the bathroom door slamming harshly, and Sirius pounding on it-

“Moony- Let me in!” He insisted, rattling the locked doorknob.

Moony replied with a sharp and stubborn “ NO!” and a gag.

Sirius sighed, going back to his bed for his wand to unlock the door like he always did. James rolled over, shutting his eyes. They had all been trying to find ways to make his monthly transformations easier, and as of now, it was just the forced TLC that only Sirius could get away with giving him. 

James heard Sirius stomp over to the door and mutter a frustrated; Alohamora! before entering the bathroom and comforting Remus. 

James went over and grabbed Moony’s potions, laying them on his nightstand for when the pair came out of the bathroom. He nudged Peter awake, and after a few shakes and promises for breakfast, he roused and started to get ready.

James started getting ready himself, getting dressed and putting his bag together for classes. 

Moony would stay the morning in the dorm most likely, get a bit more sleep until Sirius brought him breakfast and skivved classes. They’d all help him to the hospital wing tonight, distraction and invisibility cloak, and then wait till the next day to see how he was after the moon that night.

Madam Pomfrey refused to let them in day of, or morning after. They were allowed after lunch and that was strict- after many years of coming in at 6 am and skivving classes all morning. 

Moony being gone this morning meant they could finally have their conversation on how to help- 

Animagi

It was genius. 

And they were only a few steps away to, but they had to be quick. The last step was a potion that took a whole month to brew. That only meant they needed to hurry with the previous steps, they needed this to happen as soon as possible. 

This was the last moon in August- if they finished all the other steps by September moon, they could start the potion then and have that be done by October- they could be done by the October moon potentially. Wow.

James stopped as he was putting his textbooks in his bag. 

They were going to be illegal Animagi by October. 

James’s chest buzzed with anticipation, he felt giddy. A grin pulled at the corners of his mouth. He finished shoving everything haphazardly into his bag. 

“Pete!” He laid his stuff on his bed and waltzed over to Peters and fell on it dramatically. 

“Wuzzit?” Peter asked, running his hands through his hair, trying to shape it. 

“We're gonna be animagi by Halloween.” He stated. His voice was quiet, bit excited. Giddiness filled his chest. “This is the wildest thing we've done yet Pete!” He sat up, bouncing on Peter’s bed. 

He was so excited, things were looking up. There was a thump and an - oh shit! from the bathroom. 

“Everything alright?” Pete shouted before James could. 

“Yep!” Sirius shouted back. “Dropped somethin!”

“Pete!” James whined, wanting to talk about the plan. 

“I know, James-” Peter huffed. “It’s exciting, but remember why we're doing it.” He nodded towards the bathroom door. Guilt pressed on James throat. He was a bit taken back to be honest, he wasn't expecting Peter to bite like that. 

“I know, Pete.” James said, slowly, having stopped bouncing on his bed, now just bouncing his leg. “I’m excited we can help him, it's just- something insane we’re doing.” He reasoned. 

“True.” Was all Peter said. “But I think we should take this more seriously.”

“I am being serious!” James said, offended, standing up from Peter’s bed and going to his own. He didn't think he was being unreasoable, he wasn't excited Moony was suffering so they could become Animagi- he was excited they could become Animagi to help Remus. And it wasn't a lie this was the most insane thing they've done- it could land them in Azkaban. 

“I’m Sirius-” Sirius’s voice quipped from the dorm bathroom, as it opened and he walked with Remus over to Remus’s bed, and helped him back into it. 

“Who set up the potions?” Remus asked, as he sat, Sirius helping him drink them. James raised his hand, adjusting the strap of his bag in his shoulder. 

“Feel better, Moony.” He said. Remus nodded, laying back down after finishing his last potions. 

Sirius, Peter, and James all headed down to the great hall for breakfast. 

“Lads.” James said, stopping in the corridor. Sirius and Peter stopped, turning around. 

“What, mate?” Sirius asked, scratching his nose. 

“It’s about time- do you think?” He asked, unable to help the grin spreading across his cheeks. Sirius started to grin as well, James’s chest filled with warmth. They knew what he was talking about- of course they did. 

This was huge. 

He missed mischief. 

“Actually lads-” Peter sighed. “I have a confession.” 

James's heart sunk. Was this why he had seemed so odd when James had brought it up the night before. Was he not in anymore?

“What now, Pete?” Sirius whined, looking at him frustrated. 

Peter looked nervous, guilty. He stared at the floor, kicking the corridor floor with his toes. 

“I sort of-” He played with his hands. 

“Sp-spit it out, Pettigrew!” James huffed- ironically. 

“I sort of am one step ahead of you mates.” he grinned, grabbing their arms and tugging them around another corner.

“This isn't the way to breakfast-” Sirius yelped, surprised by the sudden change in direction. 

They found themselves in a random corridor on the third floor. 

Peter started to pace, walking back and forth until he seemed to find something he was looking for. James and Sirius side eyed each other, confused. 

Then the doors opened. 

“Bloody hell-” Sirius said, breathless. James couldn't speak at all. 

Massive doors formed from the stone, they turned and shifted, the walls morphing into an entrance that hadn’t been there in the seconds before. 

“I found something else!” He beamed, arms out in proud display.

“Blimey mate!” Sirius exclaimed, pushing the stone doors open, and going in. James followed, star struck.

“What is this place?” He asked in awe. 

“It’s whatever you need it to be!” Peter gushed. “I found it one night when I was exploring. Literally whatever you need- it makes it!”

James looked around, brown eyes wide and taking everything in. It was mostly open space, but there were couches, comfortable spaces, nooks and crannies, even food on a coffee table in front of one of them- 

It looked very much like the Gryffindor common room. 

“I figured this is a good place for us to meet in secret!” He said mischievously. 

James could kiss Peter. He opted for running over and punching him in the arm instead, Sirius joined him with a biscuit in his mouth- snagged from the table- punching Pete’s other arm. 

“This is brilliant mate!” James laughed. “ You're brilliant!”

Peter beamed, puffing up his chest. 

“Let's come back here after breakfast- we gotta get stuff for Moony yet.” Sirius proposed, jumping up and down, excitedly. 

The trio agreed, and they started off again towards the great hall. They entered and the smells of breakfast filled their noses, Hogwarts was never shy with their food- that was for sure. 

They wandered over to their typical spots, and breath stopped when he saw those familiar red locks getting up as they went to sit down.

His face instantly reddened, his mind thrown back to the first time he had woken last night, and what his dream had given him when he woke up- or more or less what had woken him up from his dream. 

It had been a really nice dream

the heat in James’s face started to migrate down, heating his stomach, lower- he quickly thought about Snape in his mothers clothes- 

not the time. He let guilt overtake the heat instead. He needed to cut it out, he was being disgusting. 

Lily was his friend- or was she? She was his friend, adjacent- at least.

“-emus is?”

“What?” James blinked. 

“Do you know where Remus is?” Lily asked. 

James looked around, this seemed like a question for Sirius, but he was already sat and chatting with Peter and Mary, who was leaned over chatting with a hufflepuff girl. 

“Erm- He- he- he’s still in the dorm still.” James stuttered. 

“Is he ok?” Lily asked. “Monthly stuff?” 

James nodded. “Unfortunately.”

She just nodded. “He didn't put in for a sub.” She sighed. “I’ll be alone for prefect duties- dangit!” She groaned. She looked at him with a questioning look- James didn’t know what it meant. 

“Oh- sorry, Lily.” He looked away. His eyes fell to his friends at the table. He felt bad. They needed to make these moons more manageable, hopefully eventually they can help so much that he’s perfectly fine again.

“Its…alright.” She sighed. She headed off, and James stayed, confused. Had he missed something?

He looked back at her leaving, and back at his friends, then back to her. He sat down next to Sirius and sighed, when he looked up again she was gone. 

“Bloody hell, Jim, you have got to get a grip about that girl.” Sirius barked, shaking James’s shoulder and turning him to face them all. 

“I’ve got a grip!” James protested, embarrassment tinting his cheeks. He fixed his glasses, shrugging his shoulder to fix the robes Sirius had rumpled. 

“So are we gonna talk about it yet?” Sirius asked, quietly in James’s ear. James side eyed peter. He was awfully chatty with that Hufflepuff girl. 

She was blonde, rosy cheeks and a soft small body. She had a wheat blonde fringe in her eyes, and her shoulder length hair was pulled into two small plaits tied with black ribbons. She wore a soft yellow sweater with daisies embroidered on it, and black skirt, short enough to show the curve of her thighs in her stockings under her robes, which were unbuttoned to show her outfit. James had seen her walking with Mary and Lily before, but didn’t know exactly who she was. Mary was also chatting with her, but neither Peter or Mary were talking to each other. It almost seemed as if they were competing with this girls attention. 

“Pete!” Sirius hissed. Peter put up a finger to say- one minute! Sirius smacked it away. “Peter!” 

Peter turned around. 

“ What mate?” He asked, frustrated. “I’m talking to Emmaline.” He hissed, leaning closer to stress the urgency of that. James rolled his eyes. “James- don’t you dare roll your eyes when you’ve been drooling over little miss Snivellus.” He turned back around, continuing his conversation. James' jaw dropped. Did he seriously just refer to Lily like that? 

“Peter!” He said, his voice laced with something that burned his teeth as he said it. Sirius grabbed his arm. James didn’t see the need, what the fuck did Peter mean? Where did he get off calling her that? His chest felt hot, his hands twitched. 

He always had a hot temper, his short fuse had gotten him into trouble on enough occasions already with people he didn’t like. Lately however, it had started getting in the way of people he did like. He pulled his hands off the table, and put them under his legs. His eyes burned, staring forward. 

He’d talk to Peter about this later- if he said something now he knew he’d say something he shouldn’t. He wished he could stand up for Lily now- but he knew if he did he’d wind up damaging something. He was working hard to learn to bite his tongue. 

His mom had joked that if he learned to bite his tongue, he’d lose his stutter. He’d finally be able to hold it down from doing what it wants. 

It was a sick joke. James had pretended to laugh. 

“James?” Sirius asked. 

“What?” 

“Y’al right?” Sirius asked. James looked into his eyes and nodded. Sirius nodded back. He pointed to his food, his plate was empty and he had a little stash for Moony. Had Sirius actually eaten? 

James grabbed the rest of his stuff, and followed as Sirius stood. James appreciated Sirius in so many ways- he knew him too well. He knew he needed to get out of the great hall, he knew his temper was quick. 

“Pete!” Sirius said, his voice a bit loud. Not enough to be attention grabbing from the whole hall, but enough where quite a few people around them turned their heads. Mary and Emmaline looked as well. Peter turned, glaring. 

“ What? ” He asked, his voice offended. 

“We’re going. Meet you when you’re done stuffing your face if you’re not-” Sirius let his eyes drift to Emmaline, raising his eyebrows, and looking her up and down judgmentally. “Busy-” He drew out. 

He turned on his heel and started to walk. It took James a second to shake himself out of shock and follow. He didn’t hear if Peter had replied, he was scared of what he would’ve said. James felt guilty, he had immediately looked away from Emmaline when Sirius had made that face. He didn’t want to see her reaction. SHe looked too sweet, and didn’t deserve to be collateral from Sirius’s quips at Peter. 

But he wasn’t going to tell Sirius it was harsh. Lily didn’t deserve to be collateral of Peter’s quips at him. 

They made it to their dorm soon there after, and SIrius gave Moony his food, putting it on his nightstand and casting a warming spell to keep it hot until he woke. They both started back down to the third floor to find that room of requirement again. 

They had made it as far as finding the hallway, before finding someone else there already. Pacing around, mumbling like he was searching for something, was Severus Snape, Barty Crouch, who James was pretty sure was Evan something, and none other that Sirius’s little brother, the baby black, Regulus. 

Sirius and James halted, staying still peeking around the corner. James’s stomach flipped, but he wasn’t scared. He didn’t think Sirius would do anything with Regulus there, and vice versa. Barty was usually on a leash around the blonde kid- and Snape was a pussy. He didn’t want to upset Lily anymore, so he wouldn’t do anything rash.

He knew Sirius wouldn’t do anything, but he still felt his breath hitch behind him. He felt a tug on his robes. He turned to face his friend, and realized that maybe while he wasn’t scared, Sirius might be. 

Sirius still hadn’t seemed to shake that panicky instinct he had seemed to develop over the summer. He was as anxious as a hare, and seemed to be set off out of nowhere. 

“Sirius” James whispered, taking his friend’s hand. Sirius withdrew it, shaking his head. 

“Regulus he- he’s going to get himself in so much trouble with them.” He muttered. “ Mon stupide frère va se faire tuer.” 

“Sirius- I don’t speak French-” James squeaked. He hated when this happened, Sirius would switch to his first language and James had no idea how to help. “I kn- know it’s hard but ple- please try t-t-to speak en- en- english.” He pleaded. 

Sirius just looked at him confused. Then a determined look settled on his brow, he didn’t look panicked. 

“ Je dois l'avoir.” He whispered, James stuttered. 

“Mate what?” He asked. Sirius shushed him, and turned the corner. 

Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck! James cursed, pressing himself into the wall to hide, stay back for whatever Sirius was about to do, in case he needed backup. But he didn’t think he should get involved. 

“ Oh mon doux petit frère! ” Sirius shouted, throwing his arms out. James cringed, he had a bad feeling about this. Sirius had been making so many rash decisions lately, jumping without looking, living on a prayer- 

James was praying hard that his luck wasn’t going to run out at the wrong time. 

“Sirius?” James heard Regulus exclaim in confusion. “What are you doing here?” He asked, sounding baffled. 

“Comment vont tes amis? ” Sirius asked. 

“ Sirius, qu'est-ce qui t'arrive?” Regulus replied, finally switching. James didn’t dare peek to see everyone else’s reactions. He had no idea what either of the boys were saying. Should he get someone? Maybe Peter would be down soon- it wasn’t like James could run and get Moony, although that’s probably who would be best to help out right now. James was only good at the comforting part. 

“Tu aimes la magie noire, je deviens un peu fou-” Sirius spat. James didn’t know what he said, but by the way Sirius’s eyes widened at his own words, he knew it was bold, taking even Sirius by surprise. He watched Sirius inhale before his next words, his eyebrows raising manically. 

“nous sommes toujours tous les deux noirs - d'une certaine manière” He clamped a hand over his mouth, but it was evident it was a smile behind his fingers. 

“TAKE IT BACK!” He heard Regulus yell. Sirius laughed under his palm- and took off running, turning down the opposite hallway away from where James was hiding. Regululs took off after him, running so quick he didn’t even look down the hallway where James was. 

James pressed himself further into the wall, hoping to Merlin none of the other Slytherins would follow and turn the corner. He held his breath, waiting, heartbeat quickening. After a few moments of silence, he unfolded himself from the wall, and took off down his own hallway. He’d find Sirius later, he knew Regulus would catch him. 

At this moment, James just knew he needed to get away- he needed to tell Peter, he hoped he hadn’t already set off towards the room. Peter wouldn’t be able to defend himself in front of all of them. 

He took off towards the great hall again, anxiety filling his bloodstream. He shouldn’t have left Sirius. Anxiety buzzed in his hands, under his fingernails. It made his gut feel fuzzy, a bit numb, it made him feel even more anxious. His breaths started to quicken, and he felt a side stitch growing in his side, making him slow as he came down to a jog from his sprint. 

He shouldn’t have let Sirius yell in the first place- he should’ve waited, he shouldn’t have pushed Peter earlier- James should’ve known better-

The side stitch in his ribs stabbed, hitching his breath, and he slowed. Even as he slowed his pace, he tripped over his feet- he had been getting so clumsy lately. James stopped in the middle of the hallway, hand on the wall to stay upright. 

Another type of panic panged in his chest- a familiar panic that he had felt a lot last year. 

His balance had ben getting worse lately. 

Was that- something to be worried about? Had he just been slacking on taking care of himself lately, or was this something…quidditch related...

James didn’t want to think about it. He was fine. He’d take better care of himself. He was just anxious or something right now- that’s all- he was anxious- 

His breaths started to quicken again, his legs feeling weak. He followed his hand to the wall, leaning his back against it. He was fine. He was just panicking, that was all that clumsiness was. He sank to the floor. 

Get up James- Get up . He yelled at himself. Tell Peter. Tell Peter. Find Sirius. Do something. Pathetic. Perfect Potter my ass- Pissy Potter- Pity Potter-  

He tried to push himself up off the wall, but his arms were too numb. He fell back onto his arse. He wasn’t too far from the great hall- how embarrassing if breakfast were to end right then and everyone poured out and saw him being so pathetic on the floor. 

It wasn’t the first time all of Hogwarts had watched their golden boy crumble before their eyes. There was the first accident. Everyone had been watching that match, it was Slytherin VS Gryffindor- who was going to make it to the Quidditch cup finals to play Hufflepuff? 

The second time after that, was after he had been back at Hogwarts. They thought he had been healed. They missed something small- the start of a brain bleed. He had his first grand mal seizure post accident. When he had been on the field, he had had one then. After that, he only had migraines and fainting spells. That had been until he had randomly dropped one day during potions, knocking over cauldrons and ingredients all over the floor and his robes and Sirius, who had been his partner. 

He had seized for over 14 minutes total, from when he was on the floor in potions to the hospital wing, where it had only slowed after Madam Pomfrey had administered him medication. That’s when he went to St. Mungos, leaving Hogwarts early, and just going home after that. At St. Mungos they had discovered their mistake- missing that brain bleed. 

At Hogwarts he had been treated initially for a severe concussion and skull fracture, as well as the rest of his external injuries before he had been released and back in classes, but they had completely missed the bleed that had led to his eventual stroke and seizure in potions. 

So there were already two big times that Hogwarts had seen James “Perfect” Potter fall. Was he really about to make it a third? 

He panted again, trying desperately to push himself up. Stand- Find Peter- Find Sirius- Someone-  

He wheezed, hands numb, panic starting to take over his brain.

He couldn’t breathe. 

Fuck- fuck- 

He hadn’t felt like this since Marlene’s fight with Barty. He wheezed. Head starting to get dizzy, he stopped trying to get up. 

His head ducked between his knees. 

“Please…” He wheezed. He knew his eyes were rolling back. He felt like he was going to throw up. He had fallen so far. What had James become? 

There was a warm hand on his back. 

“Oh! Oh Merlin!” He lifted his head, gasping for breath, he know he sounded ridiculous. There was a slight rush of relief when he saw who it was- he was surprised, but pleasantly, to see a mop of shaggy choppy blonde hair, dark eyeliner, torn stockings and mens tie loose around her blouse under her red Gryffindor Jumper. 

Marlene.  

“James, it’s me, Mate, breathe, you’re ok!” She reassured him, rubbing his back slowly. She took his hand, and held it to her chest. 

“Deep breaths.” She cooed, James’s mind swirled, desperately trying to match her breathing. He couldn’t quite get it, coughing as he choked over a breath. He heard her yell something else, but he missed it. He lifted his head, and knew now what she had been yelling at- or who. 

Lily Evans, running towards them. 

“I’m sorry, James, I was helping her with duty- just breathe- she can help-” 

James’s stomach churned, and he hiccuped. 

“ Marls-” He tried- Marlene didn’t hear him, she was trying to fill Lily in on what she knew. Lily had sat down in front of James, she leaned in close, lifting his head, trying to help him sit up straighter. She was so close- He started to hyperventilate, his eyes screwing shut, pained noises escaping his throat as oxygen escaped his lungs. 

Sensing his struggle to breathe, Lily leaned even closer, loosened his tie, and unbuttoned the top two buttons of his shirt. 

Fucking Hell. James felt like he was on fire. 

His stomach flipped again, and this time James started to sweat at the threat of his very small breakfast making a reappearance. 

He wanted to speak again- warn Marlene and Lily- but he was too scared of what would happen if he opened his mouth. 

He hated how rapidly a bit of overthinking sends him into a full panic. 

“James, breathe mate, in through your nose, out through your mouth.” Marlene tried, but to no avail. James took a deep breath in, trying hard, but he hiccupped again, and leaned forward, head between his knees once more, and his hiccups turned to a gag, and he vomited in front of him- 

And unfortunately, directly in front of him, had been Lily Evans. 

—-- 

Chapter Text

—----------~ James Potter 

There was no way in hell James thought this could be real- no god could hate him that much. 

But apparently someone did.

He had thrown up on Lily Evans. She had yelped- jumped and dodged most of his breakfast, but it had hit her shoes. She quickly spelled it clean, as well as the floor, but the point still stood. 

To say James was mortified was an understatement. He wanted to die. He thanked Merlin for a moment that he at least felt like he was going to die. 

He had just thrown up on Lily Evans- he was panicking- he couldn’t breathe- he coughed, choking on his spit. His eyes burned, and his hands shook. 

“James!” Lily has shaking his knee. James couldn’t look- he refused to look at her.It was childish- he was aware. He pinched his eyes shut, flinching away. His breathing stayed harsh. Marlene’s hand went to the side of his face, lightly tapping it, trying to get him to open his eyes. 

“Marls- I ca- ca- “ he stuttered, chest heaving and interrupting his breaths. 

He had to apologize- he had to apologize- 

“ “I’m so- so- sorry- Lil - L- Lily-” He choked out. The tears in his eyes had kept falling, his face was pathetically wet, his ears burning, vertigo swimming in his brain. He felt dizzy- the lack of oxygen was making it hard for his eyes to stay tight, he could feel his pupils starting to roll back. He fought it- hard, forcing his eyes open and forward to look at Lily. 

“James, it’s ok, Potter!” Lily hissed his last name as James’s eyes really started to roll back in his head. James was starting to loose feeling- he didn’t want to pass out again- he didn’t want his mind to go blank- to lose hours of his life to someplace he didn’t know- 

Marlene felt him loosen in her arms- her grip on James tightened, hoisting him up. Relief flooded his mind, he could always count on Marlene. He was grateful for his childhood friend- she stuck with him that entire summer. She was patient. She was strong. She was controlled- that's what made her such an excellent beater. 

James felt horrible. She was banned. There had been a moment, he had ran into her in the Owlery, she was mailing something large back to her parents. It was a large parcel- James knew what it was without needing to ask. Her stunning new broom she had been so excited to fly. 

They were a little over a month in now, which meant one thing. 

Quidditch tryouts were coming up soon, and James knew it was hard on both of them. 

He wished he knew how to help her, the way she knew how to help him. Like currently- as he was needing to breathe.

It wasn't hard. Marlene was stronger than a lot of guys she knew, she could've lifted James easily at his best. During the summers they’d play fight, lwrestle on their brooms trying to throw each other off- Ironic honestly. But it worried her this time how easy it was to move him, how light he had felt. 

James’s head snapped up, taking gasping breaths.

“I’m ok-” He gasped. “I- I- ok- I’m ok-”

He had to be. He needed to get a grip. 

“I- I- ju- just- n-n-n-” His tongue got stuck behind his teeth. “Outta here-” he managed.

“Breakky’s gonna let out soon, we gotta leave before then, ‘izat right?” She asked. James nodded. Marlene and Lily nodded back, and stood, reaching their arms down as James raised his, and they pulled him to his feet. He seemed to be alright, standing for a moment to catch his bearings.

When he was good to go, the trio headed back up to Gryffindor tower. When they got into the common room, a realization pricked in James's mind- 

oh Merlin- How could he be so stupid? 

“ Fuck-” He cursed, stopping in his tracks. 

“What?” Lily squawked, taken aback. 

“Sirius-” He said, turning on his heel to look at her. hand running through his hair. “He ran off- all crazy- he wuh- was speaking f- f- f-”

Frustration snapped his fuse before he had time to realize how quickly his reaction was building. 

“ DA-DAMMIT!” He yelled, kicking the stone wall by the fireplace, and then cursing again once the pain registered. 

“ JAMES!” Marlene bellowed. “ Pull. Yourself. Together.” She said slowly, it had been a command. James awkwardly shuffled, wincing and shaking the pain out of his foot. 

James huffed, standing straight, face reddening at his outburst. He knew he was being ridiculous- he just was so quick to anger. He was angry at himself. 

“Siri- Siri- switched t-to Fre- French.” He stuttered. “Ra- an off after Reg- Reg- Regulus.” 

God, if only there were a way he could talk without talking. 

“He what?” Peter huffed, bursting through the doors of Gryffindor tower. 

“Pe- Pete!” James said, a bit shocked. He looked behind the blonde, Emmaline and Mary were behind him. “Where’ve you be- been?”

“I could ask you the same thing- and what’s Sirius done now?” Peter asked, confused as to the chaos he had walked in on. 

“She can’t be here for this.” Marlene said, pointing at Emmaline behind Peter. Mary nodded, understanding the importance. Peter, however, didn’t seem to care. 

“She can hear this, she’s my friend.” He protested. 

“Peter- this is important.” She said, calmly. Well- it was a bit sarcastic sounding, drawing it out and talking to him like a child. 

“Oh blow it- you bring Dorcas around here all the time!” He yelled, throwing his arm around Emmaline. 

“That’s- That’s!-” Marlene couldn’t finish. James watched the tips of her ears start to turn pink, he watched her rock back on her heels, she had done that since they were kids. 

“Dorcas isn’t just my friend.” She found. James knew she implied Dorcas was Lily and Mary’s friend as well. So did everyone else in the room. But Peter twisted her words. 

“Yeah we know she’s not just your friend. ” Peter rolled his eyes.

“What’s that supposed to mean?” Marlene asked, offended. 

“Oh you know.” Peter help a peace sign up to his face, and widened his fingers to a V in front of his face. 

“What is w- w- with you?!” James yelled, what the fuck was up with Peter? Why was he being such a dick today?

Marlene just put her hands on her head, laughing, exasperated, eyes wide in disbelief. Lily’s jaw was just dropped , and Mary’s hands had flown over her mouth. Emmaline’s face burned, and she turned her face away from Peter, ducking back out the portrait hole. Poor girl, she had clearly been humiliated enough today. Everyone started yelling. Arguments broke out- nobody could tell what anyone was saying. It was disorienting. 

James adjusted his feet to stand a bit stronger. His heart was still pounding. He needed to find Sirius- he needed to find Sirius. 

Luckily, Marlene spoke up again. Everyone’s eyes in the room went to her when her voice boomed; 

“SHUT IT!” She waited a moment, making sure she had eyes on her. “James, Lily, and myself will go down to look for Sirius! And before I hear any protests!-” 

She cut Peter off right as his mouth opened to speak- 

“James because he’s the best at convincing Sirius, Lily because she’s Gryffindor’s other prefect- and our other is up sick in bed- and Me because I know Regulus’s best friend, Pandora- the blonde girl- she’s friends with Dorcas. We’ll find them before classes start.” Marlene pointed to the big grandfather clock by the fireplace. 

“There’s about five minutes till Brekky’s out, then we have around thirty till classes start. We’ll hopefully have found him by then, but if not, we can be late to our first class and say it was because of Remus.” 

James watched in awe as everyone sat back and listened, it was incredible. She was commanding, she was strong, she knew what to say and her plan was good. 

She would be such an excellent captain. 

“Peter- you stay and tell Remus, he’d be pissed if he were to wake up and see Sirius was missing and no one told him. Besides, Sirius always skived to take care of him, so he’ll probably need help soon.” She continued. Peter grumbled, crossing his arms. 

“Mary, can you please go find and apologize to Emmaline for me? I feel awful for saying it like that, I didn’t mean to upset her, I’d like to apologize in person.” Mary nodded. 

“Is that ok?” Marlene asked, looking round the room for the consensus. 

James realized he should nod, so he did. He wasn’t necessarily excited to go down to the dungeons, but he knew he needed to find Sirius. 

Peter went upstairs, and Mary stared off to find Emmaline. James, Lily, and Marlene all huddled together in front of the fireplace. 

“We’ll go to the dungeons, find Dorcas and Pandora, then see if we can find Regulus and Sirius from there- hopefully they're either in Reg’s or somewhere else we know.” She said. They all nodded. They started out the portrait hole, and down towards the dungeons. 

James was nervous, he pranked the Slytherins all the time, he very rarely talked to any of them- and if Barty was there?

“Have you guys met Pandora yet?” She asked as they walked. 

James had seen Pandora, he knew who she was, but she had never met her or talked to her. He knew she was a bit err- interesting to say the least. She seemed a bit scatterbrained. 

“I have” Lily said. Of course she had. “Only briefly, however. She’s sweet.” 

“Oh, very, she’s delightful.” Marlene smiled, “There’s also something really cool about her that we might get to see.” 

“What’s that?” Lily asked. James was curious too. 

“You’ll see.”  Was Marlene’s only explanation. 

“Brilliant!” Lily smiled. Marlene smiled again, but James saw something in her smile. It was the way the corner of her mouth twitched. 

James knew her long enough to know that was her tell. There was something Marlene wasn’t saying. 

—--------~ Marlene McKinnon (YAYAYYAYAY OMG :D)

Marlene chewed on the inside of her cheek as they walked. She had been spacing out for awhile, thinking. she couldn't lie, she was a tad more than just nervous taking both of her mates to the dungeons. 

She was best friends with Lily, she lived with Lily, they did everything together. 

She had grown up with James, they played quidditch together since they could even balance on a broom. 

She was closer to a lot of the Slytherins then she would ever prefer to admit to her housemates. She was close with Dorcas especially, the two had become close- friends- if that was the word. Sometimes they didn’t speak for weeks. But they didn’t need to speak- they could read each other’s minds. 

Speaking of reading minds, Pandora was cool too- she had hung around her and Dorcas along with her brother Evan on a few occasions. 

Evan was quiet, he seemed nice enough, but his eyes were unsettling. He was quiet, but he wasn't soft. In all honesty, Marlene often compared him and Regulus together, not by looks in the least, but by how it was just a little difficult to look into his eyes. She wouldn't call him her friend. 

It was bizarre, she was mixing all of her friend groups at once. And she was terrified. What were they going to think when they found out she was so close with them? But there was one person in Slytherin that she just couldn’t stand. 

She hated Barty. She couldn’t stand to look at him. Not after what He did to James. 

She glanced back at her friends as they ran, they both looked alright. James’s brow was set, but it looked more like a look of determination instead of the scowl of pain it had taken earlier. 

They all cared about Sirius. He was James’s best friend, and one of Marlene’s favorite mates. They smoked together, she taught him how to use eyeliner, they swapped music. Lily and Sirius weren’t close, or necessarily friends- But Lily cared about everyone. Her heart was too big to hate anyone.  

She might not always like Sirius, or even James for that matter, but she cared when they were hurt. She was a natural healer, her heart was warm and full of a love that burned so hot it tended to hurt her. But Lily would rather that then someone else feel cold and alone. So she always cared for everyone . 

It was honestly something Marlene had mixed feelings on. She hated how she was still so close with Severus. She didn’t like how she was so quick to forgive him everytime he did her wrong. She often played devil’s advocate, and looked into every lie someone told her, just in case it might be true. She was very justice oriented. 

Marlene sighed, that’s why she loved Lily. 

She held her annoyance back to help her friend’s friend. Were James and Lily friends? 

Marlene wasn’t sure. They didn’t hang out and Lily complained about him an awful lot . They never really talked for long without bickering, but they were always around each other. There was often a passive aggressive silence, and James definitely made it hard for her. 

He teased her a lot. There were jokes, pranks, nicknames, taunting about Severus, all of it. And Lily took that to heart. Especially when James would ask her out or snicker at her from a distance. Marlene had found her rather dejected one day, and after asking she had found out she had overheard Sirius making fun of her to James, saying stuff like “Jamie and Evans sitting in a tree!” And James shouting NO! And making gagging noises. 

But then, once again, Lily cared about him. And Lately, James hadn’t been making as many jokes, or asking her out at all, or flirting with her objectively. 

But that had only been after James’s accident. He probably just hadn’t bounced back to where he had been then quite yet, even though he seemed back to normal for the most part. His stutter was still there, but that was permanent. Marlene didn’t mind it- he wasn’t that hard to understand. People just didn’t make an effort for their friend. 

Marlene shook her head, trying to get herself out of this train of thought. What had she been thinking??? It made no sense, she was so confused. She was exhausting herself trying to figure them out. They were such an odd duo. And there were more important things at the moment- they approached the Slytherin dungeon doors. Marlene knocked on the door. After waiting a moment, she heard James squeak a startled “oh shit!” 

She turned around, a thankful smile growing across her face as she saw Dorcas, who had snuck up behind them after hearing her knock. 

“Hi Marls, Lils, Potter.” She said, nodding to all of them, and giving Marlene a big smile, before walking towards her. Marlene’s stomach flipped, and she held her breath as Dorcas came up right next to her, the proximity bringing heat to her face. 

“Sour Gillyweed” Dorcas said, and to their left, a passage opened with another staircase leading down. Dorcas lead, and the four teens descended. 

“I know what’s going on already.” Dorcas said, “Dora filled me in.” 

“Ok, good, what did she say?” Marlene asked. 

“That Regulus came back with Sirius, they’ve been locked in their dorm screaming in French for about fifteen minutes now.” She continued. All three Gryffindors sighed, Sirius was in fact here. 

Marlene listened intently, nodding along. Her eyes drifted to the chin length locs in Dorcas’s hair, decorated with silver bands and cuffs, dangling green jewels trailing down small silver chains, they were beautiful. Dorcas’s chin was sharp, as well as her cheekbones, a stark difference to the softness of her other features. Her dark skin made her movements in the shadows of the Slytherin dungeons look like she melted into the world around you, surrounding you. Maybe that’s just how Marlene’s eyes saw her, though.

“Anything else?” James piped up from behind them. 

“Regulus was pissed about something Sirius had said, and had been trying to get Sirius to take it back I believe. There was more, but Pandora doesn’t know French, so she couldn’t translate what she had seen.” Dorcas said, ducking at the last step into the doorway that lead to the Slytherin common room. 

“What she had seen? But she wasn’t there.” James asked, confused. Marlene grinned, and she watched Dorcas smile as well. Pandora's little party trick. 

“James Potter!” A light voice had said from somewhere in the common room. Marlene recognized the voice. James’s face was confused, and then his eyes found the voice. 

Pandora Rosier, sitting next to her brother, leaning over the back of the couch to face them. 

“Y- Yeah” James said, a bit taken aback. “Pandora, right?” Marlene watched as he strode over, reaching his hand out. It shook. 

Pandora took it, no questions or comments, shaking it side to side instead of up and down. James looked perplexed, feet frozen in confusion, a polite smile on his face as to not make her feel awkward. Marlene and Lily shared a glance and tried to keep themselves from laughing too hard at Potter’s awkwardness in the face of someone more “bizarre” than his own friends. 

“Doras fine.” She said, lightly. “Bless you.” She added. 

“What?” He asked, his face confused. 

“Doras a seer.” Evan spoke up from beside his twin. His voice was raspy, like he had been screaming- or smoked a pack. “Evan.” He said, reaching his hand to James, who took it- slightly more cautious this time. They shook regularly. James backed up to Marlene and Lily again. 

“A seer?” Lily asked, “Those are rare.” 

Pandora shrugged. Evan nodded. 

“It’s true.” Evan said, defensive of his sister.

“I believe you!” Lily said, “I’ve just never meet a seer before- well- you know.” Her cheeks reddened. 

James sneezed next to her. 

“Wow.” James said, stunned. “Thank you, err- Dora.” He said. “That’s bl- bloody brilliant.” He told her. Pandora smiled. 

“Sirius and Regulus are upstairs, if you want to try getting them out.” Evan said, pointing to the stairs. 

“Thanks.” Marlene said, and the trio started up the wrought iron spiral staircase to the dorms. Her stomach knotted at the sudden weight her legs took as they started up towards Sirius- what would they find?

Dorcas had stayed behind, she understood this was a more serious thing. Dorcas yelled behind them, Marlene turned to see what she was going to say. 

“Try and send Regulus down here, and keep Sirius up there for now. We’ll get him out of here so you guys can get Sirius out without them seeing each other and going at it again.” She said, looking directly into Marlene’s eyes. Her chest felt warm, her stomach flipped. 

She was frightened about how quickly she had nodded, agreeing without giving what Dorcas had said even a seconds thought.  

They finished climbing the stairs, they heard the yelling from down the hallway. 

They got to the door, Marlene and Lily standing back. James got closer. 

“C'est trop loin, Reggie ! Je ne ferai pas ça, je m'en fous.” They heard Sirius through the door. 

“Je ne sais pas quoi te dire, c'est ce que veulent maman et papa, c'est ce qu'ils exigent. Sirius, c'est juste pour le spectacle, tu n'as pas à blesser qui que ce soit, c'est juste de la politique.” That voice had been Regulus. 

“ POLITIQUE?!” Sirius again.

“ That’s a lo- lot of fuck-fucking French.” James whispered back. 

“James!” Lily hissed back at him. 

“Just knock Potter.” Marlene huffed, getting impatient. 

James leaned forward, gulping. He raised his hand, and knocked, there was a split second of silence. 

“Si- Siri- “ He tried, he heard the sound of something crashing into a dresser or something. Nothing. “It- It’s Jam- James-” He said again. The trio held their breath, waiting to hear if Sirius would reply. There was something else muttered in French, and a thump- a short yelp protest from what sounded like Regulus.There was shuffling towards the door. It Swung open, and Sirius stood in front of him, looking wild. 

“ Jamie.” He said breathless, like he had just run a marathon. He looked like he had been shocked by a live wire, his curls messy, forehead sweating, his silver eyes were dark, his pupils blown wide. Marlene gulped. It was scary, she couldn’t even lie. He hated it, she knew it, but there was no denying the family resemblance. She peeked in the room, Regulus looked stumped on the floor, she had assumed Sirius had pushed him. He didn't look hurt physically but he had been crying. 

“Come- come on, mate, let’s get back to our room, we gotta discuss that th- thi- thing remember?” James asked. Sirius laughed. 

It was a weak excuse, Marlene thought. “Discuss that thing.” But, oddly enough, Sirius seemed to know what he meant. 

“I know! I know- but you’ll never guess what I just found out Jamie-” Sirius whispered, as if what he was saying was top secret. But he didn’t realize how loud he was being. Marlene was starting to get actually scared for her friend. Regulus had stood up, dusting off his robes. 

“Keep your fucking mouth shut, Sirius.” Regulus warned from behind him, coldly.

“Regulus, you should go downstairs.” Marlene said from behind them. “Dorcas said so.” 

Sirius’s eyes flickered towards her, but he said nothing. Marlene tried to look strong, authoritative- she knew she was good at that. Regulus gulped, and everyone stayed frozen as he walked past. 

“Jamie!” Sirius whined, shaking James by the shoulders. 

“What, Sirius?” He asked. Marlene could hear the worry and care in his voice, but there was also confidence, no signs of confusion, James had dealt with this before. It seemed like muscle memory.

“Guess what I learned. ” He giggled. 

“What, Siri?” James asked. 

“My parents- Jamie- they’re hosting the entire dark order over at our house over Christmas. And they- they expect me, Jamie- me- ” Sirius interrupted himself with giggles again. His face shifted, it got stony, his eyes flickered between all three of them itense and rapidly. Marlene felt Lily move closer to her. She didn't blame her, Sirius could be scary if you didn't know him well. 

“I can’t tell you this.” Sirius whispered, actually whispered this time. He stared forward, hands on James’s shoulders going slack. “I can't tell you this.” He shook his head, arms still on James’s shoulders.

James put his arm under Sirius’s, holding onto his brother, comfortingly.

“Let- Let’s get you ba- back, mate. Me, you, Pete, we’ll chat while we wait for Moony, alright?” He said. Sirius nodded lightly. He didn't seem out of it, just kind of well- ashamed it seemed. Embarrassed. 

It was time to make the trek back. 

Marlene stood there- that had been easier than she had expected. Had Sirius worn himself out that much? 

He knew he’d bounce back soon, he had bounced back from worse quicker, he just needed a moment. And probably to get out of the Slytherin dungeons. 

In the Slytherin common room, Dorcas and Evan stood there. Pandora and Regulus had left.

Lily and James lead Sirius away, Marlene went over to Dorcas before following them. 

“They went to the astronomy tower- if that’s what you’re wondering.” Dorcas answered her question before she asked it. Marlene nodded. 

“Thank you.” She said. Dorcas smiled. 

“Thank you for getting them to stop.” She replied. Marlene laughed. That was rich. She did nothing, all it took was James just saying his name- and Sirius came instantly. Their bond was like no other. 

“Thank James, not me.” Marlene said. Evan looked up from the couch next to Dorcas. 

“Does James know Regulus had tried to catch him?” he asked. Marlene was a bit confused. Where had that come from?

“He doesn’t remember the accident- why?” She said, confused. Should she have said that? 

“Just something Dora had said, that’s all.” He said, shrugging. Marlene looked back to Dorcas. Dorcas also shrugged. 

“I can never tell what Dora says.” She admitted. “Regulus will be fine, so will Sirius, and so will James.” She reassured her. Marlene nodded, looking to the door out. 

“And so will you.” Dorcas added. Marlene looked back, her stomach flipping. 

Why did being around Dorcas make her feel so- fluttery? 

“Thanks.” She said, voice flat with panic. She quickly left, setting off to find her friends. 

Why was she like this? 

She’d be fine, she was fine. Her quick pace caught her up to her slowed friends quickly. Sirius was walking without James's comfort now, and Marlene came up on his right, James on his left, and Lily a ways in front of them. 

“Y’alright?” She asked Sirius, trying to take her mind off of her own thoughts. Sirius nodded. 

“I’m sorry it’s my brother, he just-” He tried to find the words. “There's just something with him and my family I- sets me off.” He said, frustrated and dejected. 

“It’s alright,” Marlene reassured him, slapping his shoulder before leaning to look at James. “E, tu? Potter?” She asked. They had never gotten around to ever figuring out what had said James off in the hallway. It had been terrifying to see, Marlene had been walking with Lily and thought she had heard something- turned the corner- and saw James shaking and tense on the floor in the corridor. 

“Huh? Oh, I’m alright, thanks.” He said, eyes not leaving Sirius. 

“What was earlier?” She asked quietly. Sirius cocked his head, and James finally looked away. 

“What was what?” Sirius asked, looking between his friends. 

“Nothing.” James said, “Let’s just get back to the dorm.” He picked up his pace slightly, not enough to ditch them but enough to show he did not want to talk to her about it. 

Marlene felt a little hurt, but she got the hint. 

“And what a-about you?” James asked her. She looked up, confused. “You oh- okay?” He asked. She nodded. 

“I’m sorry about Peter, I don't know what's been up with him today.” James apologized. He sounded truly ashamed of his friend. 

“What’d Peter do now?” Sirius asked, they were getting closer to the tower at this point. Marlene did not want to talk about this right now. 

“Nothing.” She wanted to say, but dammned heart of gold James jumped to her defense. 

“Pete was implying she had a thing for Dorcas, and being vulgar about it, it was bloody rude.” James spat. Marlene and Sirius shared a glance, James didn't stutter once at the defence of his friend. 

Then the gravity of James’s words hit her in the chest. 

“I do not have a thing for Dorcas!” She squeaked. “We're-” 

Her mouth stopped, unable to form a word. Her brain couldn't even subconsciously throw her a bone and even have her say friend. 

What were her and Dorcas?

She didn't like Dorcas. She didn't even like girls. Not her. She didn't.

“That’s awful, Marls, I’m sorry,” Sirius said. She looked at him, embarrassed, and there was nothing but sincerity in his eyes. Those were the parts of Sirius black that most didn't see. He genuinely cared, and he understood a lot if shit. 

“I don't- you know.” She said, muttering under her breath. “Have a thing for Dorcas.”

“I know.” Was all he said. 

Her eyes glanced up at Lily in front of her. Lily was stunning, there was no doubt about it. You wanted beauty? Lily. If she liked girls- she'd like Lily- right? 

Her eyes flickered back to Sirius. He was pale, but his dark, sharp features cast shadows on his face. His jawline was sharp, painfully so. His jawbones were more hollow than defined, but it made him look almost as if he was cut from stone. But there was something about his features that were just smoothe- as if they were carved from porcelain-

Marlene definitely liked his style; nothing to lie about there. 

And everyone was obsessed with his hair. He had shaggy black curls to his shoulders. It wasn't layered per se, but he cut it by flipping his head upside down in a ponytail and just chopping - so there was no way it was going to turn out even. But somehow, it managed to lie perfectly around his face and his collarbones. 

Marlene didn't want to necessarily say he was feminine, but his features were delicate. His lashes were long, feathery, and dark.

His eyes- they were intense. Silver- 

They reminded her of the dainty jewelry in Dorcas’s hair. 

She didn't like Dorcas. Not like that, If anything, it would make more sense if she liked Sirius-

Marlene stopped herself right there. That’s how she knew she was overthinking, because there was no way in hell that would make sense unless she was truly going insane. 

She picked up her pace to match Lily’s, leaving the boys on their own. Her and Lily approached the staircase's platform, waiting for it to come back for them to make it to the red plush warmth of the gryffindor common room. 

“I know you don't like Dorcas,” Lily told her. Marlene blushed, embarrassed that Lily knew what she was going to say. “I’m just glad we got Sirius back before classes started.” 

“Yeah.” Marlene agreed. The staircase showed up about the same time as James and Sirius caught up to them. They climbed and got inside. James and Sirius went to Moony, and Marlene and Lily went upstairs go grab their things before class. 

When they got up, however, they found their door had been locked. Lily tried the knob again. Locked. That was odd, usually, they kept it unlocked during the day. No boys could get up the stairs, no other houses in the common room, and they got along with the other Gryffindor girls well- so why?

Before they could be confused anymore, there was a very flustered Mary at its handle, she tucked her hair behind her ears and fixed her robes as she let them in. Emmaline was sitting on her bed, sweater untucked and braids looser, face a little red, but none the worse for wear. 

“Alright…” Lily said, side eyeing them. Marlene’s stomach felt a little funny. They hadn't been- 

No, that didn't make sense. She didn't think Mary liked girls; it was too odd  for her. She was too sweet and good.  

Godric, what was her problem???

She had to get a grip on herself. 

Normally she'd fly around the pitch, she'd hop on her broom and beat some bludgers, but she couldn't. 

She didn't like Dorcas. 

She couldn't play Quidditch. 

She wasn't sure which made her feel the sickest. 

—------

Chapter Text

—---------~Sirius

Sirius was embarrassed more than anything. He kept looking at the ground as they walked back to the dorm- he always seemed to make a mess of things. Too dramatic. 

He could never keep his mouth shut, and he couldn’t shake the looming threats of his family- and what Regulus had said- 

It’s just politics! You don’t have to hurt anyone!  

That’s such bullshit. He didn’t even want to think of it- what his parents were planning. He knew it would be a nightmare. He could keep pushing it back. He didn't have to think about it right now- he’d come up with a plan before he had to go home. 

Regulus was wrong. He didn't have to do anything. His parents could suck it, they could deal. Regulus could deal. 

He looked at James, he was also just staring at the ground as they walked up the stairs. Something was on his mind too. Sirius felt another pang of guilt strike his chest. God, why did he have to be such a mess? He needed to apologize to James and Remus, he should’ve come back and helped him- they still hadn’t talked about becoming Animagi and that was his fault. 

And Remus- oh hell he should’ve been up here for Remus- he shouldn’t have gotten distracted He shouldn’t let his stupid family get into his head. 

“Ma- mate, I can hear you thinking from here.” James spoke up next to him. 

“Nuh uh.” Sirius grumbled. 

“Co- Come on, Siri- Sirius.” He groaned. “I ca- can tell.” 

“No you can't.” Sirius huffed. 

“Care t-to translate?” James said slowly, carefully placing his words. “T- The Fre- French.” 

“It was nothing.” Sirius spat, stopping his steps. “What about you, huh? What was Marls talking about?” He retorted. Marlene had mentioned James freaking out. It was a shitty deflection, Sirius was aware of that. He knew he got under James’s skin, he had stopped walking too. His cheeks burned red under his dark skin. 

“Nothing.” He stared at the ground. 

“Exactly.” Sirius replied. He felt a bit bad trapping James like that, but he really did not want to think about his family- about Regulus- their plans right now. After a moment of silence, their footsteps continued.

They had reached outside the dorm door again. Sirius had a strange feeling in his gut, kind of like deja vu. 

His mind flashed back to that one night right when they had gotten back to Hogwarts. James was acting funny, Sirius had pressed- James had been snappy. That had been the night before James’s first “episode” 

But this time Sirius felt just as unstable. And he knew Remus inside was just as fragile. Peter- well something was going on with Peter. Had they seriously lost every sense of normal? 

“Sirius.” James said, his voice oddly steady. Sirius looked him in the eye- James's glasses were crooked. “Yer alright, ma- mate.” He said, slowly. 

Sirius sucked in a breath , and his gaze flickered to the floor. He nodded, and opened the door. Inside, Peter was listening to a cassette tape in his headphones (Muggle gift from Remus) And Remus- 

Was nowhere to be seen.

“Where’s Moony?” Sirius demanded, his anxiety apparent in his tone. 

“Locked himself up ‘bout fifteen ago.” Peter said, looking up at Sirius and taking his headphones off. “He said he’d be alright.” 

“Peter you idiot.” Sirius growled, his frustration at Peter from earlier returning tenfold, grabbing his wand and stomping over to the bathroom. He huffed, tucking his hair behind his ears. His fingers shook a bit as he raised his hand, back of his knuckles facing the wood of the door, ear pressed close. 

“Remus? ” He knocked on the door harshly, his knuckles stinging a bit. Remus didn't answer. “ Remus!” He exclaimed, a bit louder. There was still no response. Sirius felt a bit sick. 

“ Fuck.” He whispered under his breath. 

“Wha- What’s going o- on?” James asked behind him. 

“He’s not responding.” Sirius said, aiming his wand at the doorknob. “ Alohamora!” He cast, the knob clicked unlocked, and Sirius didn't hesitate to throw open the door. 

He figured he’d see Remus on the floor, miserable, but knowing that still didn’t prepare him for seeing Remus actually lying there. A bit of panic- and a whole lot of guilt- pooled in his stomach as he fell to his knees next to his friend, he spelled the door closed behind him. He ignored the yelp from James when it shut in his face. 

His eyes went to his friend. Remus’s honey brown hair was knotty, as if his fingers had been tangled in it, he was curled on his side next to the toilet- he didn’t look too ill, almost as if he had just fallen asleep after wearing himself out from being sick. His face was soft and scattered with freckles, his breaths in huffs, lips gently parted. Sirius’s hands trembled as he reached for Remus’s shoulder. 

“Remus-” He whispered. “Remus, can you wake up?” He shook Remus’s shoulder. Remus’s brow furrowed, he shifted. Sirius gulped, hands still gentle, barely holding contact- Sirius didn’t want to hurt him. There was a voice in the back of his head, it always told him. 

You break things, Sirius

“ Siri-” Remus mumbled, Sirius held his breath. 

“Remus- you awake?” He asked again, leaning a bit closer. Remus gave him a slight nod- if it was a nod, but it was enough to flood Sirius’s nervous system with relief. He was ok.  

“Ok good, good,” Sirius sighed, mostly reassuring himself. Moony continued to shift and wake up, Sirius continued to hush and comfort him. He found his hands running over his arms, barely touching him like a feather, he was still scared to touch him, to break him- Remus groaned, and curled up further, his arms stretching out, his hands reaching. Remus’s hand clasped around Sirius’s arm- firm- holding onto him- Remus groaned again, fingers curling around his forearm- 

“ Siri-” He groaned, almost a whine, fingers pressing into his skin, Sirius’s hands still hovering over Remus’s shoulder blade- 

“Moony-” he stuttered, he felt his face heating up, but he wasn’t sure if it was from embarrassment or, something…else?

He stopped wondering when Remus turned his head, cheek resting on the bathroom tile. His breath fogged the maroon and gold tiles. Sirius cringed, pulling Remus into his lap- he shouldn’t be lying on the disgusting bathroom floor while feeling so ill. 

“I got you- I got you-” Sirius reassured him quietly. Remus relaxed, curled on his side, head now in Sirius’s lap. Sirius was still, stiller than he had sat in his life. He didn’t want to mess this up. Remus ws waking up, still felt ill, the least Sirius could do is comfort him and be more comfortable than the floor. 

Sirius watched the sleeping boy in his lap. He tried to steady his own breathing to make it easier for Remus, who let out exhausted gasps and sighs, breath warm against Sirius’s thighs. Remus looked tired. Under his eyes were shadows, they were a bit puffy. 

Oh, how Sirius wished he could take the exhaustion from Remus’s bones. It sure would make him feel a lot better, always worrying over how Remus was feeling. Remus was too good of a person to feel the pain he did. He was too good. This was the least Sirius could do. He was dirty, filthy, he was mad. Remus was- well, too forgiving. 

He was brilliant. And for some bloody reason, stooped low enough to get his hands dirty with Sirius. Sirius stared at his hands, hovering over Remus’s shoulders, the ghost of comforting touch leaving Remus leaning further into Sirius’s lap. His fingers trembled. 

Remus was too good- what did he do to deserve the mercy of his kindness?

“ Siri -” Remus groaned again, burying his face into Sirius’s lap. Sirius’s face burned, his heart started to beat- too close- too close- 

Sirius held his breath, he looked around the bathroom stupidly- What? What? He shifted, a bit nervous, he wanted to comfort Remus- but touch- and he- and Remus- and the groaning- and the heat from his face started to harden and drift down and Sirius panicked- fuck-

“Merlin. God. Someone. Dionysus- Regulus had talked about him, insanity- that makes sense- Just don't let Remus notice.” Sirius prayed and pleaded in his head. 

“Moony, come on-” He squeaked, trying to lift Remus off of his lap, hoping he hadn’t noticed. Moony whined, and tried to bury his face deeper, shifting further into Sirius’s lap, his face- his hand still gripping onto Sirius’s forearm, Sirius shifted, fuck , he bit the inside of his cheek- 

He had to get Remus off- what the fuck was happening to him? In a quick movement, Sirius wiggled out from under Remus, moved him to sitting up against his shoulder, and squatted behind him, ready to lift him to his feet. 

Remus whined as he moved, groaning while protesting the sudden quick movements. He put his arms out as soon as he was up, like a tight rope walker for balance, disoriented from laying to sitting so fast. He hiccupped, putting a fist to his mouth. 

“Too fast-” He hiccupped again, tearing himself away from Sirius’s arms, and falling in front of the toilet again. He must’ve gotten dizzy and upset his stomach with the sudden change in orientation- fuck- That had also been Sirius’s fault. Guilt sat heavy in his gut, right above the heat that still sat firm below in his hips. 

What was wrong with him? Why was Remus being that close- so hard- Sirius felt just as nauseous, his own hands felt numb, he felt his own breaths start to quicken, but quickly his panic was dissolved when Remus started to gag. His hand fell right above his shoulder again, still not wanting to touch him- why was he so scared? 

Remus gagged again, his knuckles turning white from gripping the basin. 

“ Sirius-” He breathed between gags. “He- help-” He heaved. Nothing was coming up. 

“What- uh- What should I do?” Sirius panicked, hands still hovering. 

“I- I need-” His breaths came out in nauseated gasps. “Fingers- n’my throa-” His words were broken by another gag, coughing and whining after nothing came up again. 

Sirius’s mind went blank. Remus wanted him to do what? 

“You want me to put my-” Sirius said, voice a bit straight, astonished. 

Remus nodded, gagging again, spitting, his dark hazel eyes stole Sirius’s mind. 

“Pl- please.” He gagged, turning his head quickly and dry heaving, managing a bit of mucus. Sirius gulped, taking his middle and ring finger, tapping the side of Remus’s face. Remus opened his mouth, and Sirius looked away, fingers reaching slowly to the back of his friend’s throat. 

Remus gagged on his fingers, Sirius pinched his eyes shut, he couldn’t watch- 

“I’m sorry-” he squeaked to Remus, who shook his head. 

“S- ok-” He huffed. “C-an you try aga-” He gagged. 

“Ye- yeah.” Sirius said, tapping his cheek to warn him again, before sliding his fingers back to his throat. This time Remus gagged, and the rest of Remus’s pathetic breakfast made its reappearance. Sirius quickly withdrew his fingers before they got too messy, and before he even realized, his fingers were on Remus’s hairline, keeping his curls from getting in his face as he continued to vomit. 

“You’re alright, Moony. You’re alright, get it out-” Sirius continued, “We’ll get you to Poppy soon, I promise, I promise.” Sirius realized his own cheeks were wet, his voice had been pitched higher, he was crying. 

The two boys sat there for a few more minutes until Remus finished, and was coherent enough to hold an actual conversation. 

“I’m sorry I made you do that.” Remus spoke up after a few moments of silence. His voice was gravelly. Sirius didn’t care.

“It’s ok, Moons.” Sirius replied, his eyes hadn’t left Remus since he had entered the bathroom. “How are you feeling?” He asked. The two boys at this point were sitting across from each other. Remus leaning against the toilet, Sirius against the opposite wall, both had their knees drawn to his chest, eyes locked. 

“Better, but still ill.” He said, eyes averting. Sirius’s didn’t move. He couldn’t take his eyes off of Remus. There was something in him- almost possessing him- Moony. ‘

“Dyo think you’re ready to go to Pomfrey?” Sirius asked, trying to make his voice sound firm but gentle. Remus didn’t say anything, but he nodded, and his eyes met Sirius’s again. There was a jolt in his chest, a buzzing in his heart, Remus’s eyes pulled him in tight- close- 

He didn’t want Remus to stop looking at him. 

Their eyes stayed locked as Sirius stood, reached down, and pulled the taller boy up. Sirius gulped, his adam's apple bobbing as Remus’s eyes went from below him, to his eyeline, then above him, his neck aching to look up and keep his gaze. 

Fuck. He was suddenly reminded of the heat that had settled below his gut. He almost broke eye contact, neither of them spoke, breaths held- 

Remus’s eyes flickered, Sirius’s brain short circuited as Remus’s eyes went to his lips and back to his own drizzly grey eyes. 

Remus had just gotten so tall.

Sirius held his breath. Wh- 

A knock broke both of their attentions, eyes shooting to the door. 

“Y-Y-you two al- alright?” James stuttered through the door. “Ju- just checkin.” 

Sirius looked at Remus, then to the door again. Remus gulped. 

“Yeah, mate.” His voice was still rough. “One sec!” 

Remus gave Sirius a forced smile. 

“Poppy’s?” Sirius asked, giving him a similar smile. 

“Can I erm- get a shower first?” Remus asked, blushing. 

Sirius felt his cheeks go scarlett.

—----------~ Remus 

Remus didn't miss how bright pink Sirius got after Remus said he needed to shower. But he had been lying on the bathroom floor, felt disgusting, and had just spent the past few minutes vomiting into the toilet- and although he had meant well, Sirius had gotten a bit of it in his hair while holding his curls back. He was grateful, yes, however he still felt gross. And needed a shower. 

“Y- Yeah.” Sirius squeaked. He gave Remus a smile, his canines were sharp, and Remus felt his gut twist again- but it wasn't painful- almost fluttery. 

Ugh- He was too weak, too exhausted, his body hurt, he felt feverish, to think of what that meant. He just wanted to shower and then lie down for a few hours before getting this bloody moon out of the way. 

Sirius slipped out of the bathroom, and Remus heard him filling in James as they walked back to their beds. 

Remus felt guilty, he didn’t mean to freak Sirius out so much, or make him help him throw up- Merlin, why did he do that? He had just felt so ill and couldn’t force himself to. 

He often felt embarrassed when it came to Sirius. No- nervous. But why?

Sirius was so hardened with everyone around him, he was a bit brash, difficult to be around at times. Remus would be lying if he said Sirius wasn’t rude, or erratic. Sometimes Remus was baffled at Sirius's thought patterns, filled with delusions and conclusions that had been leapt to from distances larger than the distance he held everyone around him at. He was scattered lately, jumpy and anxious, and he normally didn't mind telling Remus. 

But lately, he had even been pushing him away. 

Remus sighed, looking in the mirror, taking off his pajamas and getting ready to shower. He looked at the scars littering his chest. They were ugly, it was a fact. He didn't care that they were, he knew it wasn't something he could change. He leaned in closer, arms bracing the sides of the sink. 

His face was dirty with freckles, his eyes were rather dark and boring in comparison to Sirius's electric silver. For some reason, he felt a bit more insecure about that than his scars. 

He had made peace with those. He pushed that pain back, he felt enough of it with the transformations, he stopped caring about what they did to his body. Physical pain took more to get to him. 

But his face, his eyes, his awkward skinny bones, the stupid things he says and does, they burned him with shame and made him feel lower than dirt. 

All he wanted was to just be normal. As weird as it sounded, Remus wanted to be insecure about normal things. Why didnt he feel insecure about pain? His scars? They were things he could hide, push down, run from. 

He couldn't run from how stupid he was around Sirius. How he melted around him, how dumb his brain went. Merlin.

He gripped the sink, breaking eye contact in the mirror. 

He still felt horrendous. Sighing, he finished undressing and stepped into the shower. The water was hot on his skin, stinging slightly, but it felt good. It was comforting. 

He closed his eyes, hands braced on the wall, water hitting the back of his neck and running down his shoulders. He lifted his head, letting the water hit his face and run down his neck and chest. 

The water ran down his stomach, his legs, the heat permeating his muscles and making him feel like jello. He felt hot all over, the steam filling the shower making him take deeper breaths. He ran his hands over his face, getting water out of his eyes. He pushed his hair back, and turned around, letting the water hit his back. He had to actually wash. 

He washed his hair, but very hastily, arms aching as they reached above his head. He didn't bother trying to condition it, already feeling depleted. He grabbed his soap and a wash cloth, sitting on the floor of the shower to wash his body. He felt too dizzy standing up. The water was still hot, he sat facing the showerhead, letting it hit his chest and shoulders as he washed. 

Once he was done, he sighed, dipping his head and letting the hot water run down the back of his neck. It was running in his face, so he closed his eyes and breathed through his mouth. He was exhausted, and the hot water just felt so good. It was comforting and warm, but he was so tired. Getting out of the shower was going to feel horrible. 

It was going to hurt to stand up, it was going to be cold, he was going to be achy and dizzy and nauseous, the heat from the shower gone. 

His bed wasn't warm enough. The hospital wings even less warm. 

Sirius's lap had been warm . A thought intruded the side of his head. 

Sirius’s lap had been really warm. And comfortable. Remus’s cheeks reddened further at the memory. 

The ground was cold and hard, but Sirius- he was soft. His hands were kind, fingers long and slender. His arms, they weren't large and muscular, but they were taught and wiry, and Remus could feel the beater strength beneath his robes while he had clung to his arms. 

He felt a bit guilty, burying his face in Sirius lap like that was way too out of line, he had every right to shove Remus off like he had. He had crossed a boundary, he knew Sirius wasn't the biggest fan of touch. 

Remus turned the water up a little hotter, the heat stinging a bit more. 

Why was Sirius so comfortable. Why could he not stop thinking about him? Why was he in so much pain and all he could think about was Sirius? 

His lap was so comfortable. His lap, his thighs. Merlin Sirius had nice thighs. Sirius however didn't share the same sentiments, he was sure of it. Sirius was plenty urgent to get him off. 

And bloody hell, it wasn't just his thighs. It was the way that he looked at him. The flush on his face moved towards his stomach, heat pooling under his bellybutton. 

Godric, when Sirius helped him stand. Their eyes never broke. Remus stood, he never broke eye contact. 

He was captured. Sirius's eyes were magnets. Metallic. Silver bullets piercing through his mind. Those eyes . They were huge and shining, his lashes were dark and fluttery, cheekbones high and sharp. There were purple shadows pressing deep under his eyes. They were a bit scary. Remus liked scary. And his teeth- they were sharp. Remus wasn't too sure how he felt about that. All he knew is that he liked it. ~*

And that it made the heat under his bellybutton start to stiffen. 

The hot water from the shower continued to patter on his back, running down his spine in stinging rivulets. He leaned back, letting it hit his chest and stomach instead. He leaned back until he was resting against the wall of the tub. Steam continued to fill the bathroom, and Remus's breaths only continued to deepen. The hot water ran down his stomach, hitting his hard on. It felt good, it felt sensitive, it felt needy. 

Fuck. His hips twitched, searching for a friction he wouldn't meet. He bit his lip, the hot water now focus on his lower stomach. 

“Fuck .” He whimpered, hips bucking up, an embarrassed desperation in his own thoughts. 

What the fuck was he thinking?

Remus's face flushed a deep scarlett, bottom lip pink and swollen as he bit it, trying to keep his hands to the sides, ashamed of the increasingly painful stiffness between his legs.

What the fuck was his problem? Was this because of Sirius? How fucking disgusting was he? Sirius didn't even like blokes, that's what this whole ordeal as of late had been. 

Remus held back a whimper as his cock twitched, a shaking hand made its way to his dick, hovering over wether or not to actually grab it. 

If you do this. He thought. You will be touching yourself to your best friend. 

fuck. 

Before he could finish his thoughts, his hand had found his pleasure. He his his face in the crook of his left arm, right hand stroking up and down. Remus bit his lip, and he knew his hips were twitching. 

Fuck. Fuck. 

Sirius's fucking thighs just kept coming to mind. Remus's guilt only burned hotter in his gut, making him even more sensitive as Remus continued to stroke himself, pace getting slightly quicker, embarrassing gasps started to leave his throat. 

Godric he was embarrassed, touching himself to his best frined? How wrong was that? Fuck- Fuck- 

Sirius's God damn thighs again- Remus remembered laying on his thighs, burying his face, clinging to his biceps - fuck his arms. His fucking thighs. 

He wishes he could bury his face in his lap again, whimpers starting to escape his throat along with the gasps, light moans leaving his lips. His head lolled back and rested against the back of the tub. His hand movements were getting lazy, hips starting to compensate, sloppily but surely stroking his boner bringing him closer and closer to the edge of a shameful finish. 

Sirius had shoved him off of his lap. 

Remus spilled over his hand, eyes rolling back in his head, eyebrows pinched tight. He bit his lip to hold back a groan. 

He watched the hot water take his shame down the drain. Guilt pooled in his gut, but this time it just made him feel sick. And then he was sick, once again his stomach turning inside out. At least it was easier to clean up vomit while already in the shower. 

Merlin fuck what was wrong with him? 

He finished actually rinsing himself off again before stepping out of the shower. ~*

He was right. 

It was cold and painful. Godric he ached. The heat from the hot shower gone, the distraction of the drunken stupid state Sirius made his head go into gone, and all the ill he had felt earlier settled between his vertebrae. He shakily dressed once more, and stepped out of the bathroom, cold, tired, and one thing on his mind: Poppy Pomfrey and her amazing potions. 

Godric, he wished he could get his hands on those. He hated having to go down to the hospital wing so often. 

“Y’alright, Moony?” James asked, sitting on his bed with a book in hand. 

Remus just nodded, giving James a smile, before going over to his own bed to grab a change of clothes, and start packing an overnight bag for Poppy’s. Remus didn't dare lift his eyes, he feared they would meet Sirius’s. He couldn't do that right now. Not after what he did. 

Sirius was repulsed by him. Shoved him off. He was being pushy, gross, predatory - Merlin- he was being fucking disgusting. 

“Ne- need a hand?” James asked, now next to him. Remus jumped a little, surprised that he had managed to sneak up on him like that. Well, he was distracted. 

“Er- no, thank you.” He said, voice rough. “But uhm-” Remus hesitated, embarrassed at his next words. “Could you walk down with me?” 

He said it a bit quieter, just under Sirius’s earshot. Sirius was sitting on his bed, awkwardly messing with his books and pens, making himself busy and distracting himself. 

“Me?” James asked, volume matching his own. “Why not Sirius?” 

“I er-” Remus was unsure. He couldn't just say “I jacked off to him in the shower after being insanely suddenly turned on by how he comforted me but that was all in a moment of weakness but I feel as though I made things horrendously awkward between us by being really touchy while laying on his lap.” So instead, he went with something else. 

“I think he’s still uh- wound up from earlier, I think he just needs a second.” 

James seemed to buy it, which only made Remus feel worse. He hated lying to James. But in all honesty, it had just been a moment of weakness. He wasn't attracted to Sirius. He had come to the conclusion a long time ago that he was into blokes, wether he liked that fact or not it was true. The thing he couldn't get himself to believe was being into Sirius Black. 

He looked up to him once more, his forrest eyes met electric steel. He turned quickly, James grabbing Remus’s things and turning on his heel, the two leaving before Sirius could get in a word. James kept looking behind them. 

“Sho- Should I have said some- something?” He asked, biting his lip. Remus shook his head, body aching. He did have his cane, but it wasn't much help, his entire body in just as much pain as his hip. 

“No.” Remus grunted, trying to take deep breaths between his steps. Everything around him felt like pins and needles. He needed this moon over with. 

“Whats going on, Moony? Some- thi- things up with you two all- all- all the sudden.” James stuttered, his pace slowing to match Remus’s. 

“Nothing.” Remus spat. He hated James's intuition. It was almost always right. 

“Why'd it lo- look like you kicked hi- hi-m with that look before we left?” He asked. 

Remus glared at his friend, who only looked back at him with a look of love and genuine concern. Damn you James Potter. 

“Like I said, he’s just still frazzled. And I er- needed help throwing up and made him help me.” He said, hoping that embarrassing admittance would get him off his case. 

“Sirius has throw- thrown up in- in the hood of my robe be- before.” James deadpanned. “Mate, I li- literally thre- threw up on Ev- Evans today.” 

“Where is this going?” Remus rolled his eyes, regretting it as the ache followed. 

“I me- mean no one gives a Godric about chu-chuck!” James exclaimed. “S- So somet- thing's going o- on.”

Remus was getting frustrated. But luckily they were getting close to the hospital wing. 

“Nothing is going on.” Remus insisted. James just sighed. 

“We- we'll talk about this when you're feeling better.” James said after a moment, taking his time with his words so they came out together. Their last few steps brought them to the doors. James knocked, and then walked in. Remus followed. Then he realized something James had said.

“Wait- James- you threw up on Lily today?” He asked, voice raising in question.

“Wha- what? Huh? Oh we- were here- Poppy !” James sing songed, loud . “Go- Got someone for ya!” 

Ms Pomfrey bustled around the corner, her curls under her bonnet frizzy, her smile warm and wide. She wiped her hands off on her apron and tutted over to Remus, patting his face and fussing him until he was cozy in bed and full of potions. 

—-----------~ James 

After Poppy came in, James stood off to the side, he didn't need to get in the way. Remus was being attended to, which meant now Sirius needed tending to. He slipped out before Remus could notice. He felt bad, leaving his friend there. But he knew Poppy knew best and would take care of him and be ready for tonight. 

They had already missed the first half of class together, so the quicker James got back up to the dorms, the quicker they could finally have this animagus talk. Then hopefully, back to classes and back on track. 

It always seemed like if there was one small issue, more were sure to follow. Things tended to snowball, the marauders were such a complicated bunch. There was a specific balance that needed to be in place for everything to move smoothly. But once again, its just another issue traced back to James's accident. 

His pace quickened. Just get back. 

He tripped over his toes, stumbling over his laces as he walked. Stop. Tripping. He scolded himself, counted his steps. 

One. Two. One. Two. 

Left. Right. Left. Right.

Stop being such a klutz. 

He was always a clumsy person. Dropping glasses, knocking stuff over, that was normal. This was nothing. His balance was fine. 

His head was fine. 

He was just so bloody paranoid. 

He found his hasty anxious pace had brought him quickly back to Gryffindor tower, and he scrambled through the portrait and upstairs to the dorm.

He burst in rather unceremoniously, both Sirius and Peter sitting on their respective beds chatting about something or other. 

“Merlin, Jim, did you run here?” Peter asked, genuine wonder in his tone. 

“Wh- I-” James was going to deny it, but awkwardly remembered his haste to get back. “I wa- wanted to finally talk about all this.” He huffed, flopping onto his mattress. 

“Me too, I’m err- sorry about earlier.” Sirius said, looking at his hands folded in his lap. 

“It's alright, mate.” James reassured him. Peter clapped his hands. 

“Alright, now let's get down to business.” He announced. “Our next step is going to be the potion. We all still have the phials with our mandrake leaves, the dew, and the chrysalis, correct?” Peter asked, looking through a checklist he had pulled out from under his bed. The other two boys nodded. 

That had been the worst part of this whole process. Getting the death-head hawk moth chrysalis had been hard enough, needing to sneak into Slughorn’s office, but keeping a mandrake leaf in his mouth for a whole month? He was just glad that they had gotten it out of the way early on in fourth year, before Quidditch had started. All three of them had passed it off as a massive game of “The silent game” But people started to get suspicious, and of course, they couldn’t keep their mouths shut for long. To avoid revealing the massive leaves in their mouths, they all coincidentally came down with sore throats, and couldn’t talk for the remaining weeks. Soon enough, the month had passed and they were able to wait till the next moon to spit their leaves into a phial of morning dew they collected, and then they waited.

But they had to take a break in the process in fourth year, for well, obvious reasons. Now, all they needed to do was put all of the ingredients together. Then, next full moon, they drink it under the moonlight. If James wasn’t mistaken, that would take them to the middle of September. Apparently, it would take a few weeks for the actual animal form to manifest. So, by the time the potion is ready, they drank it, and their animal forms were to manifest- it would almost be the October moon. 

The book doesn’t say what happens after they drink the potion. Just that the next few weeks would be when the animagus form itself would start to be tangible. This whole process was a leap of faith. Or stupidity. It didn’t matter, they were in too deep now. They were doing this. 

“Alright, lads, get your phials and ingredients.” Peter instructed. James and Sirius saluted, each grabbing their respective highly illegal potions. It was stupidly simple, honestly, even James could do it. All they did was drop the Chrysalis in the phial, along with a strand of their hair. Their potions started to bubble and foam, and the three boys corked them shut, sealing them with red wax. 

Now they waited. 

“Well that was anti-climactic.”Sirius grumbled. “I thought something wild would happen.” 

“It will, the potions will change individually with our hairs, and by the end of the month when they’re ready to drink, we’ll be just about animagi!” Peter exclaimed excitedly. James smiled. It was nice seeing Peter be excited about something. He was always so insecure, so he was glad when he could tell Peter was proud of something. 

“Whatever you say, Pete.” Sirius sighed. 

“Wh- what do you think you guys will be?” James asked. He’d be lying if he said he hadn't thought about it a lot. 

He had dreamed of something incredible. He'd imagined a lion. Or maybe a bear, he’d be something strong. Maybe he could fly, have wings, some kind of bird. An eagle would be cool, or a falcon. It’d be rather unfortunate if his animagus was a water creature. If he truly wished for something that could fly, with his luck he’d be a flying fish. He’d spend his first transformation flopping on the ground gasping for air. 

With his luck he’d end up a bug. Or a worm. 

“I think I’d be a bat.” Sirius said. “Like one of those big fox bats that are the size of dogs?” Sirius held his arms out for effect. He jumped to his feet on his bed, arms still out, flapping them like wings. A wicked grin grew across his face. James felt his own lips tug upwards. 

“Id swoop down on Snivvelus and put shampoo in his hair.” Sirius jumped off his bed, both feet hitting the ground with a thud. James giggled, Peter was trying to act stern. 

He turned to James, then let his eyes turn to Peter, he ran and jumped on his bed, tackling his shoulders to his matress. 

“And I’d scare Peter at night when he’s roamin’ the halls for a midnight snack.” Sirius laughed, messing up Peter’s hair. Peter was finally giggling, breaking his mock serious act. James was cackling from his own bed, holding his sides, dizzy from laughing. 

In reality, he knew it wasn't that funny. They all knew it wasn't. But it was a bit ridiculous, and the morning had already been so hectic, that even the littlest bits of jokes were painfully hilarious. 

“I’d be whatever kills those bloody bats.” Peter groaned, shoving Sirius off of him, face red from laughing. His sandy hair was a mess, and his uniform rumpled. 

“I’m actually not sure what kills ‘em.” Sirius shrugged, adjusting to sit at the end of Peter’s bed. James smiled, he wanted to join the dogpile. He stood up, a bit too quickly however, the ground suddenly sinking beneath his feet as he stumbled. It felt like he had been walking on a waterbed. He brushed it off and joined in, flopping himself on Peter’s bed next to Sirius. 

“But seriously Pete, what would you want to be?” Sirius asked again. 

“I don't know. What do you guys think I’d be?” He asked, looking at his mattress. James frowned a bit, Peter was always asking what others thought of him. He’d shrug off when people asked what he was into. 

“I thin- think you’d be so- something cool, like a fox or- or- uh,” James thought, trying to think of something. “Something str- strong.” 

“Strong?” Peter deadpanned, his tone was sarcastic. James squirmed, he really wasn't sure what Peter would be either. 

“I think you’d be a squirrel.” Sirius said, grinning again. Peter looked at him quizzically. 

“My fox bats prey.” He tackled Peter again, tickling him. Peter screamed awkwardly in protest, voice cracking, laughs shaking his sides. James couldn't help but giggle again, bubbling into laughter as Peter wheezed for help, Sirius making weird noises and flapping his arms pretending to be a bat. 

After a few moments, they all settled back to their spots on Peter’s bed. 

“What about you, James?” Peter asked him. As much as James had thought about it, he found himself at an odd loss for words.

“I uh-” He started confident, like he had an answer, but his voice died on his tongue. He wasn't sure. He felt oddly called out. He had been thinking of so many, but now he had forgotten them all. Sirius and Peter didn't interrupt him. It became a habit after he developed his stutter to give him time when he spoke, but now James felt a bit warm, the silence felt awkward. His friends' eyes were on him patiently, which only made him feel guilty. 

“Pro- probably a bear.” He settled on, it seemed like a safe bet. 

“I can see it.” Sirius agreed, nodding. “Or like a cheetah.” James smirked. 

He stared at his hands, which were folded in his lap. Having paws would be weird. Being that fast would be kind of sick though. 

There was a silence that fell over the three boys. It wasn't awkward, or weird, but it came with a heavy blanket feeling. The reality of what they were doing was settling in, all three of them were feeling it. 

This was highly illegal. It was illegal because it was dangerous. There's a chance you can get seriously hurt during your first transformation. If you get hurt in your animagus form, you can't change back, and there's a very specific type of magic needed to heal transfiguration injuries. 

If they got caught….

A sudden rap at their dorm room door made all three boys jump, Peter hit the back of his head on the headboard behind him. Sirius was giggling till Peter shoved him off the bed. He landed with an “oomf!”

James looked to his mates, neither getting up. He rolled his eyes, walking over, and peeped through the peep hole. Who was knocking right now? 

The only thing he saw was a bright red crown of hair. Lily? 

He opened the door, and leaned with his hand on the doorframe. He looked down at her, confused. 

“Ev- Evans?” He inquired, glancing back to Peter and Sirius, who looked equally as confused, Sirius still on the floor. 

“I thought you boys were skiving last class to be with Remus, but when I went down after class and Poppy didn't let me see him I knew she wouldn't let you-” She starting talking fast, James shook his head to focus on her quick words. She ducked under James’s arm into their dorm room. James squeaked awkwardly, mouth agape, unsure of what to say at her sudden intrusion. 

“Hey-” Sirius tried to protest, standing up from his awkward landing on the floor. 

“So I came up here just to check and sure enough- you were making a racket up here! I could hear you from the common room- you're lucky everyone's in class!” She rambled, throwing her arms out and then crossing them sternly. They all just stared. 

“Well?” She said, expectedly. None of the boys moved. “Do you want to miss another class? I’m not sure if Slughorn would appreciate that.” She asked, tone a bit harsh. 

Shit. 

The boys scrambled, grabbing their books and bags and quills, hurrying while Lily tapped her foot. After a moment they were off, hurrying down to the dungeons. 

James was out of breath by the time they got to potions, they had made it just in time. 

He sighed as he sat, and looked to the board. Written in yellow chalk were two words, 

Felix Felicis

Well, maybe, James would finally get some luck. 

Chapter Text

---------~ Evan

Evan was alright at potions. Well- he was good. Regulus and he were considered advanced enough for N.E.W.T. level potions, however he wouldn’t consider himself any better in comparison to his peers. He could brew something with the right results, but typically, he’d get by with Regulus’s help. 

Which is why when Slughorn announced just as the last of the Gryffindors (in their typical late fashion) burst through the doors, that a new potion meant new partners- he groaned, letting his head fall on his desk with a thump. Regulus grabbed the back of his robes and dragged him to sit up in his seat again.

“Quit the theatrics, you’ll be fine.” The dark haired boy rolled his eyes, a grin on his lips. Evan smirked back, slouching with his chin resting in his palm. He blew a blonde chunk of hair that had fallen in his eyes away, but it just fell right back. He was worried about Regulus. After everything that had happened earlier in the morning, he was quiet, but he didn’t seem too upset. 

Evan’s pale eyes wandered. Across the room there were even more theatrics. Regulus’s brother and his friend were clinging to each other, seemingly unphased by the wildness of the morning but more upset about being torn apart like lovers separated by war. Evan had to admit, it was surprising and impressive how hard and quick they were able to seemingly bounce back from high-stress situations.

Now- they were back to their typical dramatics. Sirius had the back of his hand to his forehead, clinging with his other arm to James’s shoulder. James was cupping Sirius’s face, falling to his knees and bowing his own head. Sirius fell to his knees beside him and the pair collapsed into a heap on the floor wailing about 

“It won’t be long-” 

“We shall be reunited soon-” 

There were other various boohoos and laughs from the peanut gallery while they squirmed and laughed and complained about the injustices of Slughorn’s classroom. Evan giggled, glancing at Regulus. He had to admit, as ridiculous as it was, it was a little funny. Regulus wasn’t watching. Evan just sighed. 

“Do you think he’ll let us pick again?” He asked, hoping to draw back Regulus’s attention. “Like I know he said new, but maybe we at least get to choose our new ones.” 

He liked when Regulus’s silver eyes were locked with his own pale blue. The poet in him said it was a storm. That’s how it felt looking into Regulus’s eyes at least- charged, intense, electric. But Regulus didn't look back at him

“I doubt it- after well-” He sighed, gesturing to his brother and James being dragged apart by Peter and Lily. “I think he’ll pick.”

Evan groaned, letting his head fall to his desk again. Regulus didn’t pick him up this time. Slughorn finally finished whatever he was doing on the board and spoke. 

“Due to- erm- previous incidents-” The round bellied man started. “Partners for this next potion will be decided by me.” 

Figures.

The incident he was referring to was James and Sirius. Their last potion- Alihotsy- caused hysterical laughter. And well- theirs was a tad potent to say the least. The fumes alone sent the entire class into hysterics so intense that almost every student laughed so hard they cried themselves dehydrated. Pomfrey had said she’d never seen anything like it. 

Evan zoned out as he read off names. He had to giggle at the screams of terror and denial as Sirius was called to be partners with Severus. Regulus ended up with Lily, and Peter with that Lockhart boy. He had stopped paying attention until there was a tap on his shoulder. A nervous dark face with crooked glasses and darker eyes and even darker hair looked down at him. 

James Potter. 

“Howdy Partner,” He pushed his glasses up, a nervous gap tooth smile on his lips. “Wanna find a table?” 

Evan stood up, he stood maybe an inch or two shorter than the older boy. They found a table that was empty in the back of the room. Evan hid his smirk as they passed Sirius and Severus. Sirius was looking at James with the biggest, saddest, most pissed-off eyes that Evan had ever seen. James kissed his hand and tapped Sirius’s forehead, Sirius swatted his hand away and tried to trip James and failed, leaving Potter to stick his tongue out at the pale boy as he giggled and ducked to the table. Evan looked across the room to find Regulus. He and Lily had been sitting together, light conversation already forming. Evan ignored the little pang of jealousy in his gut. 

It’s not like he didn’t want to be partners with James. Evan would be lying if he said he wasn’t a bit excited to be partners with him. He thought James was interesting. And he had a few things to ask him. They settled down, got their textbooks out, and lined up the ingredients that had been summoned to their tables. 

“You ev- ever brew anything like this?” James asked, trying to make conversation, his face getting a bit pink after fumbling over his words. Evan felt a bit bad. He didn’t want him to be embarrassed about stuttering. 

“Not like this but a few others.” He said, “I typically piggyback off of Regulus, he’s actually pretty insane at this kind of thing.” 

“So I’ve heard.” James said, looking up, eyes scanning the room. Evan watched as they landed on Regulus and Lily. He smirked, watching the pink tint brush on James’s cheeks again. Everyone knew he had it bad for the Redhead. 

“Is Evans any good?” He asked, reciprocating the attempt for conversation. 

“She’s brilliant at everything class wise.” James said, eyes not leaving, tongue not stumbling.

“What about Bigger Black?” He asked, referring to Sirius. After Hogwarts had found out Sirius and Regulus were brothers- and hard to distinguish- a lot of people had started to refer to them as “Baby Black” and “Bigger Black”. Both brothers hated it, which only made it funnier for everyone else. James snickered, Evan took that as a win. 

“He’s bloody awful.” James’s smile spread across his face, his snicker morphed into a proper giggle. “And I have a feeling that he isn’t gonna make it easy for Snivvy.” 

“Short for Snivellus?” Evan asked, a grin spreading on his own lips, remembering the Gryffindors affectionate name for the oil slicked boy. James nodded. Evans' eyes drifted to Sirius and Snape’s table again. “Nickname for a nickname. I like it.” 

“If the nose fits.” James said. Evan saw James’s eyes flicker to him to gauge his reaction. He was nervous his joke wouldn’t land. But it did. James was funny. 

“As long as the grease doesn’t stain.” Evan added. James giggled. Evan wasn’t afraid to admit how much he hated Snape himself. He thought he was repugnant, oily, rude, creepy towards Pandora and had some pretty stark opinions on bloody purity. 

The two started cutting their ingredients. Evan cut carefully, his root pieces were even and small, the perfect mixable texture. James’s on the other hand were a bit uneven, not nearly fine enough to mix, and still had bits of the skin on them. He didn’t laugh, but a bit of amusement warmed his stomach, Potter actually had N.E.W.T.S . on this soon, and his skills were comical. His eyes drifted from James’s roots to his knife, to see how he was cutting. 

He regretted how quickly he had judged James’s skill when he saw both hands on the knife, trying to hide a small tremor in his fingers. 

He had always kind of wondered what effects had been lasting on Potter. As in still lingering now. He heard James stutter, but never too terribly hard. He knew early on James had had a seizure, he knew epilepsy was a thing, but he wasn’t sure if that was what that seizure had been. He wondered if the tremor here was something that had stuck around. 

There were a lot of questions that he had about James. Specifically one about his broom, and the crash. 

He knew Barty had been aiming for James, he admitted to that. He knew Barty wanted to hurt James, he admitted to that as well. He trusted Barty enough. But he didn’t think Barty had meant to nearly kill James. And he also didn’t think Barty was the only reason for James’s accident. 

Barty was a bitch, he was rude, he was downright fucked sometimes. Evan didn’t deny that. His decisions were rash, made with little judgement, dangerously erratic. No one could ever predict Barty. Except Evan. Evan knew Barty was going to do something in that match. He had been too mad over the latest Gryffindor prank. At this point, Evan didn’t even remember the prank- just that it had ended up in a house call home to everyone involved. Well- except the Blacks. The teachers at Hogwarts knew not to call home for them, they knew the results of what would happen to those brothers. 

They didn’t know what would happen if they called the Crouches. 

Instead of the blood, the brokenness, it was weeks under imperius. Teachers thought he was avoiding trouble by being on his best behavior. Nothing less. They didn’t know how fractured his mind became. They didn’t know that after those weeks of mindless movements, separated from his consciousness like a prisoner, that his brain went haywire. His mind, losing the ability to actually think through decisions.

So after that last call home, all he wanted was revenge on Potter. Evan just refused to believe that he genuinely would’ve gone that far on purpose. He said he did. But there’s no way he wasn’t lying. 

Pandora also fueled his suspicions. It had been a conversation they had had that took Evan’s spark of skepticism and pumped it to full flames. 

They had been outside, in a grassy patch under a willow, with a clear lookout of the lake. Pandora had wanted a picnic with the squid, and Evan decided to join her. She was rolling cigarettes for them, sprinkling in bits of herbs and spellwork as she went. People paid extra if she rolled for them. 

“Did you hear what happened to Potter?” She asked. 

“James Potter?” He had stupidly clarified. He picked up one of the cigarettes she had rolled. She smacked it out of his fingers. 

“These are for Lily.” She scolded, “Pink papers.” She set it back down, and picked up her regular papers. “These are for now- and yes, James Potter.” She finally clarified. She began rolling a cigarette for them, Evan watched intently. 

“I didn’t hear, what?” He asked. 

“Well, remember the day Barty fought Marlene?” She asked. 

Did he remember that day. Did he remember that day? That was rich. Of course he did. Both. Times. He remembered.

The first time, He had gone straight to the hospital wing. Marlene, Barty, all were there. Even Regulus was getting looked over, he was just staring off into space. His brother, that Lupin boy- The redhead- Evans- Pettigrew, all in varied array of horror, worry, tears, and prayers. James was there too. Evan couldn't even look at James’s bed

He had run straight to Barty. You idiot. You idiot. 

That’s all he could think. 

What did you do?

The second time, he didn’t bother going to the hospital wing. He knew Barty wouldn’t step foot in there willingly. He found him sitting in the Slytherin common room. Snape was with him, Snape. Another reason he hated that guy. 

“ What did you do, Barty!?” He had yelled. 

“Nothing wrong!” He had yelled back.

Idiot. Idiot. Idiot . 

“Yeah? Which time?” He asked Pandora.

“The second, the recent one.” 

“Ok yeah, why?” 

“James was there.” She said, plainly, as if she was stating the obvious- well she was stating it. 

“Yeah?” Evan asked, wondering where she was going with this. 

“I saw it before it happened, right?” She began. Evan nodded. He understood, he was very familiar with her clairvoyance. 

“Well, I had seen it through Potter's eyes. And I also saw his flashback.” She continued. Evan followed the cigarette with his eyes as she finished rolling it and brought it to her lips, striking fire from her fingertip (one of her favorite spells) and then taking a drag. He cocked his head in curiosity, taking the cigarette from her fingers and taking a drag of his own.

“What’d you see?” He asked.

“His broom was malfunctioning. Or- something. It wasn’t flying right. This memory was new for him as well, it felt unfamiliar, I felt nauseous.” She shuddered, a high squeak coming from her throat. 

“Broken? Like it was bucking?” Evan asked- that would make sense. If Barty was just planning on injuring Potter with that bludger, he would’ve aimed differently. Barty was an incredible player. His aim was always on point. If he was lying about it being intentional- it would’ve had to have been an outside force that caused it to happen. 

It had to have been his broom.

Which is what brought him back to the real moment- 

He was in potions class. Working with James Potter. 

He could just ask him.

James was busy mixing his potion already, rushing in usual fashion. 

“Potter.” Evan started. 

James hummed, looking over. 

“Was your broom broken? you know…last year?” Evan trailed off as James’s stirring got a bit quicker, his eyes darting back to his potion. 

“I do- don- don’t know why you’re ask- asking that.” James stuttered, the tremor a bit more apparent in his fingers. Evan felt as though he might've struck a nerve. But if there was one thing that he knew, it was that struck nerves got snapped. Snaps equal spills. Answer spills. 

“Just something Pandora had said- you’ve met her.” Evan continued. James didn’t look up. “You know her uh- talent right?” James didn’t say anything, but Evan knew he knew. 

“She said when Marlene and Barty fought again- she saw it from your eyes, and saw a memory. “She said she saw your broom malfunction.” 

This broke Potter- well, not by getting him to talk. But by getting him to knock over his potion, which he had just nearly gotten to a boil, all over the both of them. Their robes were coated in a hot, sticky, poorly mixed bronzey-golden sludge. James cursed loudly, and Evan yelled, promptly pulling off his outer robe, leaving him in just his white undershirt, which hadn’t been missed in the spillage. Everyone looked back. Evan and James froze. A loud and angry “SCOURGIFY!” Boomed from the front of the room from Slughorn, the mess cleaned from the floor and desk- but not them. The two boys braced for more screams. 

“DETENTION, BOTH OF YOU! CAULDRONS EVERY SATURDAY FOR A MONTH! GO TO THE RESTROOM! CLEAN UP NOW! BEGONE!” 

The two looked at each other, before quickly and hastily sprinting past the cackles and laughs from their classmates. Evan saw James shove a howling Sirius off of his arm as they continued to run out and to the nearest bathroom. Evan spelled the door locked behind them, he stared at James, eyes wide, smile wider, heart hammering in his chest from adrenaline. James looked just as shaken, if not more, his hands trembling badly, his chest heaving quickly, eyes darting fast, hand fumbling with his tie. 

“Potter-” Evan said, suddenly nervous. Had he really sent Potter into some kind of panic? 

“Shut- Shut- Shut up. ” James hissed, turning around and slowly discarding his outer robe. Evan suddenly realized James might not be panicking, but in pain. He hadn’t gotten his robes off after the boiling potion clung to him. James hissed again, sucking in a breath as he let his robe drop to the floor, and slowly started to unbutton his shirt. 

Evan stared, goosebumps clustered under his skin as he saw the burns on James’s side, a pink blistering patch on his smooth brown skin. 

“Are you ok?” He asked, genuinely worried. James shot him a glare. 

“Fine.” He said. He waved his wand and muttered under his breath, the burns got a little less red, the blisters going down. 

“That’s some advanced healing magic.” Evan noted with a skeptical eye as the burns on his skin subsided. 

“Mums a healer.” Was all James said in reply. 

“What about you?” James asked after a beat of silence. Evan had been ignoring the stinging on his side. He unbuttoned his own top to see a small red burn on his stomach. It wasn’t as severe or red as James’s, he had managed to get his robes off so not much had gone to his skin, but it still stung. 

“Want me to help?” James offered, holding his wand. Why not? 

“Sure, thanks.” Evan said gratefully. James came over. Evan finished unbuttoning his shirt and removed it. Another shade of red started to stain The older boy's cheeks. Evan realized something. 

James was flustered. Not just embarrassed or hurting. 

“Are you checking me out, Potter?” Evan joked. He wanted to just mess with James a bit, divert from what obviously had been a sore subject. What he hadn't expected was for James to pull back suddenly, the blush to get a furious red, and for James to squawk awkwardly. 

“Wh- No! I was not- I- I- I-m not a-” He stuttered. Evan realized suddenly that maybe trying to get under James's skin was a bit too easy, and obviously really did get under his skin. 

“A queer?” Evan finished for him. James went bright red, shaking his head. 

“Potter- Mate- I’m joking.” Evan quickly clarified, realizing he had made a joke that clearly was taken personally. 

James looked at Evan a bit stupid, face a bit shocked and flat. Evan had to bite his cheek to not laugh. He felt a bit bad- he really was running this guy’s emotions on a wild roller coaster track. 

“Ri- Right.” James stated, before leaning back and actually healing the pink burns on Evan’s side. He was still tense. 

“Seriously, Potter. I’m just messing. Everyone kows your thing for Evans.” He added for good measure. James just sighed, seemingly understanding that Evan really had been joking. Evan stretched as James finished healing his burns, and started on spelling his clothes clean. 

James did the same, and the two boys finished dressing in a semi- awkward silence. Evan was just about ready to say something himself, anything to divert from this drudging quiet. 

Then that silence was broken by the last words Evan expected to hear.

“I didn't know if I really remembered my broom bucking, or if I had imagined myself remembering it.” James said slowly, piecing it together in chunks, breaths between his words. 

Evan was a bit taken aback by James finally answering his question. He could tell he had focused hard to get such a long sentence across clearly while still being so frazzled. 

Evan’s silence seemed to invite James to keep going. 

“Everything's fu-fuzzy, it's hard to recall an- anything.” He continued. “I don't like thinking about it.” He admitted. 

Evan didn't know what to say, so he stayed silent, letting James continue.

“Honestly, I know the truth I’m be- being told is p-probably wrong.” He let out a sharp laugh, which took Evan a bit by surprise. Honestly Evan was surprised James was saying this much at all. 

“But no- no one ever asks me about it. They- theyre too-” James stumbled, but this time he wasn't stumbling over his stutter, he was just looking for the words. 

“They're scared.” He landed on. 

Evan just stared. He wasn't sure where to go from there. 

“Why did you as- ask?” James asked him after a beat of silence. 

“Because of what Pandora had seen.” Evan answered truthfully. 

“Had she seen anything else?” James’s eyes were wide with wonder, there was guilt, hesitancy, fear swarming the deep brown. 

“Not that I’m aware of.” Evan admitted. James seemed a bit disheartened by that fact. 

“But the broom, sh- she thinks it was a re-real memory?” He asked. Evan nodded. 

Both boys had finished washing their shirts at this point, James just stood now- biting his nails. 

“I don't kno- know what to do with this now.” James said. Evan was a bit confused. 

“What do you mean?” He inquired. 

“I me- mean, now I re- really don't know what happened, it fee- feels like I don't actually kn- nnn- know what the truth is.” 

“Oh.” Was all Evan could say, he wasn't sure what the right thing in this moment could be. 

“I’m sorry, I don't know wh- why I’m telling you this.” James apologized, carefully. 

“Don't apologize.” Evan declared. He hated that. “You don't have to tell me anything, I shouldn't have pressed-” He tried to backtrack. He was interrupted by a quick- 

“No!” 

Evan looked at James quizzically. 

“I mea- mean, thank you for asking, and tha- thank Pandora for m-me.” He said, wincing as he bit his one nail a bit too close to his nail bed. 

“Will do.” Evan just stared. Of all outcomes of getting new potions partners, of all conversations that the two could've shared, Evan was convinced he had hit the most bizzare option. James gave him an awkward smile. 

“W- we should head back, already go- got detention for awhile now together, don't wanna keep the man waiting.” James laughed dryly. Evan smirked. 

He didn't mind detention, and oddly enough, he didn't mind James Potter. 

—----------- Regulus

Neither Regulus nor Lily seemed to be focusing on their potions at the moment. And both of them had agreed to ignore the fact that they both were distracted by the same thing. 

Waiting for Evan and James to come back through the doors. 

Regulus was watching for Evan, Lily was watching for James. Both potion masters were falling behind, lagging a step or two behind their classmates. Slughorn drifted over to them, and suddenly their attention snapped back. 

“You two alright?” He asked, eyeing them suspiciously. 

“Yes! Sorry, professor.” Lily promptly apologized. 

“Sorry, sir.” Regulus followed. 

Slughorn just gave them another look before wandering around again, going over to silence a bickering argument between Pettigrew and Lockhart. 

“Been awhile.” Lily said, wanting to egg conversation. 

“Mhm.” Was all Regulus replied with. He was growing more restless and unsure as the time passed. He was getting nervous. What the hell could be happening? He couldnt take the silence anymore. 

 “Do you think they're alright?” He finally caved. 

Lily's eyes passed him no judgement. He felt quick to conclusions after believing she would be just as hasty to jump to her own opinions. 

“I’m sure, James has a tendency to talk people's ears off.” She reassured him, but her own distraction told a louder truth- she was just as nervous as he was. A few moments later, James and Evan re entered. 

Regulus felt his face heat up. They were both a little disheveled, their robes magically cleaned, but still rumpled and untucked. There was a flush on Potter’s cheekbones, and Regulus didn’t miss the flustered look on his partner’s face, hands unmoving while holding her ingredients over her cauldron. 

“Alright, Evans?” He asked her, she nodded, sighing. 

“Distracted from earlier is all, sorry.” She muttered. “Speaking of-” She perked up. Regulus looked away, not wanting to answer whatever question she was about to ask. 

“Are you alright? I don’t know french, but I know siblings, they can be tricky.” 

Regulus’s eyes drifted across the room to his brother. He looked confused, and worried, his eyes following James as he walked to the back of the room once more. Regulus felt Evan’s eyes as he passed, but didn’t take his eyes off his big brother. 

He saw Sirius bouncing his leg, his long fingers tapping the side of his table rapidly. Severus Snape next to him was looking increasingly more irritated. The Slytherin was almost finished with his potion, Sirius was still on the third or fourth step. 

His brother. It was a joke that they were brothers. By name only. He missed his brother. But lately it seemed only tragedies or arguments got them to talk. 

“Nothing you need to worry about.” Regulus decided on. He wasn't going to confide in Lily. 

—----

Eventually, Slughorns class came to an end, and everyone was off to their own ways. Regulus was just about to leave and slip out without having to speak to anyone, when Evan’s hand slipped onto his shoulder. Regulus felt frozen under his fingertips. 

“Regulus-” Evan started. “I think something weird happened with James.”

That stopped him in his tracks. What did he mean? Did something happen when they ran off?

“What do you mean?” He asked, instantly curious. 

“I mean last year, his accident. I think someone broke his broom.” Evan told him, voice barely above a whisper. Regulus shuddered. He remembered how James had been flying wildly that day. James was known for his precision in flight. It was uncharacteristic. 

He wondered…

—-----------~ Lily 

Lily didn't miss the furrow in James’s brow, or how he and Evan smiled together. She noticed how much he bit his nails, how much he messed with his hair, what was making him so nervous?

When class ended, he instantly had gone over to Sirius, the pair running off quickly, James’s hand dragging Sirius by his bicep, and they tore off.

Now, hours later, it was getting late. It was nearing morning, much past night. The sky was barely getting light, the sun not quite awake to rise. She was curled up in her typical spot in the common room, knees pulled up to her chest as she sank further into the deep red plush chair by the fireplace. 

It had been hours, and she hadn't seen any of those boys. She knew Remus was in the hospital wing, but Pomfrey still insisted no visitors. She hadn't seen James or Sirius since Potions, and Peter vanished after dinner. She put her head in her hands, rubbing at her eyes. She cared- it aggravated her. And she had been growing increasingly more confused and frustrated with them. 

She was always helping, trying, caring. But still- no one ever told her anything. It was hard not to feel a bit hurt. 

So now she sat, waiting. Well, not waiting for them to come back like an overly concerned mother waiting for her children to come back from sneaking out at night, but as well- 

Well that’s how she felt to be honest. As a prefect, she felt it was her job. As their friend, she felt it was her responsibility. 

Friend. Was she really their friend? She was Remus’s friend for sure, they were close. She knew Peter very little, but they were acquaintances, he hung around Mary and the other girls on occasion. Sirius- they weren’t friends but they’ve had their run ins, and James- 

It was so hard to tell. Was it worth it? All that stress? They weren’t super close, they had all become friendly, friends of friends- but she still was lost on whether or not they were any closer than that. 

God what was her problem???

She had tried to get Regulus Black to open up to her earlier. Why did she feel the need to be there for literally everyone ? Why did she feel so responsible? 

She was just about to give up and go upstairs when the large portrait door swung open, and the three boys started to tip-toe in. None of them noticed her, all looking exhausted and bedraggled. She cleared her throat. All three froze. 

“Dude, don’t move.” Sirius whispered stupidly. 

“You bloody idiot, she can see us even if we don’t move.” James hissed back. 

“ Both of you are stupid.” Peter said at a normal volume, turning around. “Hullo Lily.” He muttered, warbly. 

“Peter.” She replied, curtly. She glared at Sirius and James, backs still turned. 

“ Ahem?” She mocked, clearing her throat again. The other two turned on their heels, facing her. 

“Hi Lily.” James squeaked. Sirius just waved nervously. 

“Where were you?” She asked, her voice shook a bit. She didn’t even know why she bothered asking. She had her suspicions. She knew about Remus’s lycanthropy, she knew they knew. But if they were doing what she thought. If they were really going out with him while he was transforming- that was horrendously dangerous. That was too far. She saw the potions earlier, she wasn’t dumb. 

“Don’t lie to me.” She added, pointing her finger anxiously at the three of them. “Is Remus ok?” She added again. 

“One question at a time, Red.” Sirius groaned. “Remus is ok, we were just visiting him, and that’s not a lie.” He spelled out slowly, shrugging his shoulders dramatically. His eyes were droopy, he looked exhausted. 

“Are you sure?” She added. “No lies?” She eyed Peter and James. 

“None.” Peter said.

“Wha- what he said.” James agreed. 

Lily knew better. She knew better. 

“Are you all okay?” She added? Voice still shaky. The three nodded. She started to feel angry. That frustration she had been feeling started to bubble. 

“I’m not stupid.” She said. She was going to say it. She wasn’t going to just let them say that and have it be nothing. She wasn’t going to stand for that. “I saw your potions when I came into the room earlier.” Lily didn’t miss all three boy’s faces going pallid. 

“What do you mean?” Peter asked, his voice an octave higher than typical. 

“What are you brewing?” She demanded. They all eyed each other. 

“Is it for Remus?” She asked. Sirius nodded quickly, speaking up fast. 

“Were trying to make wolfsbane- to help the you know, monthly incident.” He said. 

Lily pondered. That would make sense, but still didn’t explain where they had been the past few hours. 

“Ok I’ll buy that.” She said, her voice getting less shaky as she continued. “But where were you? You’re all but in a bloody heap on the floor.” 

“Visiting Remus.” Sirius said again. 

“I tried visiting him earlier, I know you weren’t down there. Not this late either.” She retorted. They looked dumbfounded. 

“We snuck in.” Sirius barked back. It was Lily’s turn to feel stumped. She knew they could get away with that. She couldn’t argue that- sneaking in was in their typical fashion. 

So she nodded. The three boys seemed to deflate with relieved sighs. 

“Are you, yannow?” Peter asked, Lily knew what he meant. 

“Am I going to write you up?” Lily asked, Peter nodded. She pondered. 

“No, I won’t. You were helping Remus.” She told them. “I trust you,” She decided. Her eyes drifted between the three boys. James still looked guilty, and a little pale. Maybe it was just the lighting. The sun had started to peek through the big windows by the balcony, casting a white blue sheen over the dark common room. 

“Can we go to bed?” Sirius asked sarcastically. Lily sighed again. 

“I’m sorry, yes, go.” She sighed. The three boys sprinted up the staircase to their dorm room. With nothing left to do but overthink, she went up the girl’s staircase and into her dorm. She tip-toed over to her bed, careful to not wake anyone. Marlene was already awake, seemingly starting her morning. 

“Lils- you weren’t in bed?” She whispered from across the room. Lily was a bit startled. 

“What time is it?” She asked, a bit shocked.

“Five am?” Marlene answered, combing her hair and plaiting it into braids. 

“What are you doing up so early?” Lily asked baffled. 

“What are you doing up so late?” Marlene retorted. Lily looked Marlene up and down, when her eyes landed on Marlene’s feet, she gasped a bit. Her broom was out, Marlene quickly pushed it back under her bed with her heel. 

“You were going to sneak out and fly before anyone wakes up, weren’t you?” Lily asked. Marlene put her face in her hands. 

“Yes.” She grumbled into her palms. “I can’t not fly, Lils. It hurts too much.” She whined, falling backwards into her pillow. Lily sighed, and came over, sitting next to her on her bed. 

“I won’t tell.” Lily told her. She wasn’t lying. She thought it was cruel and unusual that Marlene was banned from flying. She knew how important it was to her. Marlene sat up straight, pulling Lily into a massive hug. 

“Thank you.” She breathed into her neck. Lily wrapped her arms around Marlene. The blonde’s biceps were strong and secure around Lily’s waist, she hummed when Lily hugged her back, and her stomach fluttered. 

This is why she cares so deeply. When things hurt, they hurt immensely. But the good feelings? Better than anything. 

“Why were you up so late, though?” Marlene asked, bending down to grab her broom from under her bed, and slinging it over her shoulders. 

“Just couldn’t sleep.” Lily lied. Marlene nodded. 

“Be kinder to yourself.” She said, reaching an arm down to help Lily up. Lily took her arm and stood, walking to her bed as Marlene went to the door. 

“You too, Marls.” Lily whispered, Marlene nodded. 

Lily settled into bed. She still had two hours about that she could sleep yet. She knew Mary would wake her. 

She hesitated to let her eyes drift shut, although she didn’t know why. 

Just in case something happened. 

Sleep pulled her under before she could think anymore. 

—--------------

Chapter Text

—----------------~ Sirius 

Sirius hadn’t slept that night. He never slept the night after the full moon. He just sat in his bed, watching Peter and James sleep. He just stayed awake and worried. He worried about Remus.

He missed Remus. He wanted Remus. 

He still had time until his first class, transfiguration. He internally dreaded it. He didn’t hate transfiguration, he just wasn’t that good. He liked Minnie though. With that extra time however, he had something to do- something he always did.

He waited until he heard soft snores from his two roommates before he slipped out of his bed and into his socks and docs. He felt a bit ridiculous, wandering the hallway in his large Queen tee and red PJ bottoms, while also in his clunky leather boots. 

He cursed himself, pressing into the wall when he heard footsteps. He should’ve nabbed James’s invisibility cloak. 

If only they had something that could show where everyone in Hogwarts was so he could just avoid them. He was smart enough. He could do that. Maybe that’d be something he could do as a surprise. Peter had a surprise, the room of requirement. He could make this- map. 

But right now he needed to find Remus. He had to apologize for earlier. 

It had been so weird- he had made it weird. He felt bad. He missed Remus. He needed to make sure he was ok. Even when he, James, and Peter had snuck down to the hospital wing and waited, hiding, till Poppy brought their were-friend back, it had been awkward. He typically was doting and touchy, but lately that touch had started to make him jittery. He was quieter than normal, so was Remus- who gave awkward smiles and pained sighs as he shifted. They had stayed with Remus till he drifted off, and then left without Pomfrey even knowing they were there. But they hadn’t gotten completely away with it all. 

They had been caught earlier. By Lily Evans. It had been too close. 

She already knew too much about Remus, but unfortunately that part couldn't be helped. Remus and her were close friends. But She could not find out about the animagus plan- that was too illegal. 

She would find out, Sirius knew that was inevitable. It was only a matter of time. She was too clever. Sirius hated that. She was so smart, Smart enough to be on par with Remus. 

Sirius smirked at the memory of Poppy turning down Lily’s visit to Remus. Well, she had turned down their visit as well, but they snuck in. They still had seen him, she hadn't. And he was sneaking in again. 

He was only a few turns away, and soon enough he was face to face with the doors of the hospital wing. Sneaking in quietly, he snuck past Poppy’s office and over to Remus’s bed. The curtains were drawn, and only for a second did Sirius’s fingers hesitate to draw back the curtain. When he pulled them back, a smile crept to the corners of his lips. 

Remus was laying in his bed, looking tired but not dead like earlier. His soft curls were laid on the pillows, his lips slightly parted. Sirius’s mind started to drift to earlier in the bathroom but he was not going to remember that moment right now. He wasn't going to taint this perfect moment with his own gross thoughts. But he couldn’t deny that Remus looked beautiful.  

Sirius’s gut churned, Remus was his friend. just his friend. 

He sat down on Remus’s bed, trying not to stir him too much. Sirius watched as his breaths fell gently through his parted lips. He had a bit of scruff growing, he’d shave in a day or two- he always did- but Sirius enjoyed it when it was there. Made him look manly. It suited him, it was handsome. 

Sirius felt guilty- again scolding himself; Remus was his friend. Then, he shook the thought from his head, and went to wake Moony. He was Remus’s friend. He was there for his friend. Friends are there for friends. He reached his hand out gently, deja vu to a few moments earlier when he hesitated to open the curtains- and every time he had hesitated before- 

He blinked the memory away, and shook his leg. 

“Moony-” He sing-songed lightly. Remus stirred. He felt a bit guilty about waking him. But he always came to say hi, check in, and reassure him that he’d take notes for him during classes. He couldn’t let an awkward moment from earlier get in the way of everything- not this, one of his favorite routines. 

Remus’s eyes fluttered, Sirius felt warmth bubble up in his stomach. His grin started to grow. 

“Mooooons.” He whispered, his voice getting softer as Remus woke. Remus smiled. 

“Hi.” He warmly replied. The sun was barely peeking through the windows in the infirmary, casting a warm early glow through the curtains. Sirius scooted even closer, Remus propped himself up on his pillows. 

“How are you feeling?” Sirius asked the taller boy. 

“Better.” Remus smiled. “How are you?” 

Sirius didn’t let his smile falter, although memories came into his mind. His fight with Regulus, potions with Severus, and Godric- 

What James had told him after class. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. 

“Sirius,” James had started. “I think, I think I re- re- remembered something. From th- th- the crash.” 

“What?” Sirius could only drop his jaw. What had James remembered? This was monumental in his recovery, if he was finally remembering- 

James had only paled. 

“I think someone had messed with my broom.” 

So overall, Sirius was not feeling the greatest. He felt unsettled, nervous, unsure of well- everything that had lead up to this moment in the past year. 

“I’m alright.” He told Remus. He didn’t want to put that on him- not now. Not while he was recovering. He’d tell Remus eventually. He would- just not yet. He felt like his mind was too “all over the place” And when he talked with Remus- his mind went blank. He stumbled, the things he said he didn’t understand. He had to figure out how to be honest with Remus before he could tell him everything. 

“Are you sure?” Remus’s eyes were honey warm. Sirius melted. 

“Yeah, I am.” He reassured. “I just came by to see how you were.” That part wasn't a lie.

“You were here earlier, though.” Remus teased, giving him a look with a shine in his eye. 

“You say that everytime.” Sirius giggled. 

“Well you don't need to do it.” Remus kept smiling. 

“I know.” Sirius grinned, flopping down and laying over Remus’s legs. “So how are you?”

“Im good, a bit achey, forgot to fill in for prefect duties again.” Remus admitted sheepishly. There was a light blush of embarrassment across his cheeks. Sirius’s complexion took on a similar shade. 

“I can do it!” Sirius offered, sitting up again, his legs crossed, hands in his lap. Remus laughed out loud, before flinching and making sure Pomfrey didn't hear.

“It's not that absurd.” Sirius whined, pulling his knees up to his chest. 

“No no, I’m sorry,” Remus giggled. “I just don't think it's something you'd necessarily enjoy.”

“Maybe I’ll get James to, he’d throw himself at the chance for a morning with Evans.” Sirius suggested, smiling at the thought. Honestly, it'd be good for him. He needed to snap out of whatever was going on in his head. “A couple rounds with Evans?” Sirius nudged Remus, smirking and raising his eyebrows. “You know how red his face would get?” 

“Don't talk about her like that,” Remus scolded, but he was smiling. “But yes, James would get very red, and honestly- it would be good for him to do something. Honestly, I’ve been getting worried about how stagnant he's become, he’s so-” Remus paused to look for the word. 

“Still?” Sirius finished for him. Remus nodded. There was a silence that fell, it made Sirius anxious. He shifted, adjusting how he sat.

“You keep messing up my blankets.” Remus chided, smoothing out the sheets under Sirius. 

“Sorry.” He apologized. 

“You're all good- you're just- jittery.” Remus observed. 

Sirius shrugged. Damn you, Lupin . He was just as observant as Evans was. 

“I’m just a bit all over.” He side stepped.

“Is it about Quidditch tryouts?” The honey haired boy said. Thank Merlin for Remus Lupin’s attention to detail. Quidditch tryouts had been a thought in the back of his mind for awhile now, but it could make it’s way to priority as a scapegoat. He could do that. 

Sirius sighed, draping himself dramatically over Remus’s legs once more. 

“You caught me.” He groaned. “I’m worried I won’t make it and I’m just hurting James for nothing.” His voice was whiney-er than he had expected, cringing at his own complaints. 

“You’ll make it, you’re excellent.” Remus said, bouncing his leg and nudging Sirius. “And you aren’t hurting James by trying out, he’s even said so.” 

“I just feel bad.” Sirius grumbled. “And I feel bad for Marlene.” 

Sirius heard Remus sigh, his knee stilled. 

“I feel bad for her too, although she’s been sneaking out to fly.” Remus ventured, Sirius sat up straight. 

“She’s been sneaking out to fly?” Sirius asked, gasping dramatically. That girl. How dare she out- cool him again. “How do you know?” He asked. Remus giggled, and it untied the knot in Sirius’s gut a little bit. 

“I’ve seen her, out the windows, if you woke up earlier you’d catch it.” Remus told him. He was always bugging Sirius on sleeping in- so did James. Well, he did last year for Quidditch. 

“Gryffindor’s going to suck this year.” Sirius groaned. “No James, no Marlene? We have no chance. No one’s going to want to try out.” 

“No one’s going to want to throw parties either, even I liked those.” Remus had joked, pouting. . Sirius felt like a lightbulb had lit. 

“Sirius.” Remus said, cautiously. “What ever you’re thinking, stop it.” He scolded. 

“Remus no- you’re brilliant!” His silver eyes were lighting up. “Everyone’s been bumming so much lately, what’s better to boost everyone’s spirits than a party? Shake it all out and get everyone back to normal, like a reset. Everyone just let loose and have fun and forget about all these problems.” 

Sirius felt like electricity was buzzing through his veins. This would be great. It was perfect! 

“I can’t talk you out of this, can I?” Remus sighed, crossing his arms. Sirius still saw the smile on Remus’s lips. 

“Absolutely not.” Sirius giggled. Suddenly, the lights flickered on in the Hospital wing. Pomfrey was coming. Remus slapped a palm over Sirius’s mouth to silence his squeak of surprise, and the two scrambled apart. “I’ll make sure to take good notes!” He quickly whispered, smile even wider. 

Remus grinned, and Sirius's chest warmed rapidly- things felt normal. The taller boy fell back under his covers, and Sirius slipped out behind the curtain and out the door right as Poppy came tutting in to check on the werewolf. 

He was still smiling as he bounded back up to Gryffindor tower. He burst through the portrait hole, hoping that he would be able to make it up to his room without having to run into anyone. He wasn’t that fortunate.

For the second time that day, Sirius had been caught by Lily Evans. This time, she was with her friends. Mary, Marlene, and her, all were sitting at the counter by the small kitchenette in the dorm. They were drinking coffee, still in their PJ’s, hanging out peacefully before classes started. 

“Sirius.” Marlene eyed him over her mug, smiling as she took a loud sip of her coffee. 

He crossed his arms at his friend. 

“Marlene.” He said, raising his chin and avoiding eye contact. trying to get to the staircase without any other comments. He cringed when all three girls started to dog- whistle. 

“What?” He squeaked, turning slowly, feeling his face heat up. 

“Where were you?” Lily asked, smiling. “You know, I gotta know….prefect stuff.” Mary and Marlene giggled behind their mugs as Lily kept a straight face. 

“No where you need to worry about.” He retorted. His attitude was bad, but not as sharp as Mary, Lily, and especially Marlene. 

“Oh well alright, can just ask Remus, next time I see him.” The redhead said, sighing and stirring her coffee, her poker face breaking as she joined Mary and Marlene in their giggles. Sirius felt his face turn pink. 

“What’s that supposed to mean?!” He squeaked, voice raising and squeaking awkwardly. He felt oddly defensive. What did they mean by that? Did they know he was visiting Remus? Did they all know about him? There was a twisting feeling in his stomach. He felt protective towards Remus. What did they know? Remus was his friend, that's why he visits him. Friends visit friends when they're in the hospital wing. That's what friends do. Marlene started laughing, which only made Sirius feel more flustered. “No! What does that mean!” He insisted, pointing at the girls. Mary’s giggles turned into snickers. 

“Well, you were visiting him, right?” Marlene asked, sipping loudly again. 

“Well- no-” He denied. 

“He says no.” Marlene whispered loudly, like it was breaking news, to Mary next to her. 

“He’s a shit liar.” Mary whispered loudly back. 

“I am not!” Sirius insisted, feeling even more flustered. 

“It’s ok, Sirius.” Lily smiled. “I know you visit him, he told me, we’re just teasing.” She grinned, once again holding back her giggles. 

Sirius felt awkward. Wait- Remus told Lily about his visits? They were teasing? Why? They didn't need to tease, he wasn't one if their girl friends. It's not like he liked Remus, he wasn't- well, you know. He wasn't a girl, it wasn't right. Boys cant like boys. If Remus was a girl, then chances are Sirius would have kissed him already. But he wasn't. And neither was Sirius. It wasn't like that, they were friends. What was Remus even saying about his visits? Why would Lily need to tell Mary and Marlene? Why tease him? 

Wait. 

“He talked about me?” Sirius asked stupidly, the corners of his lips twitching up. Remus talked about him?

That broke Marlene, who once again fell into cackles. Sirius’s face started to burn once more. “Shut up!” He shouted, embarrassment taking over and he bolted up the stairs. Unfortunately for him, there was another thing Lily had been right about. 

Sirius was loud. The door slammed behind him, jolting both sleeping Peter and James to sitting up and awake. 

“Bloody- bloody hell, mate!” James shouted. Peter clutched his chest, falling backwards into his pillows again. 

“Merlin, Sirius, shut up! So early for no reason-” Peter threw a pillow over his head, closing his ears.

“Sorry I was just- Merlin James, that's obscene-” Sirius's defense crumbled into giggles as James was rolling his eyes back and mock-gagging on something invisible (and cylindrical)  as Sirius spoke. 

“Shut up ab- about your early morning moo- moon-scepades.” James groaned, rolling over. 

“Moon-scepades?” Sirius asked, coming over to James’s bed and flopping dramatically onto it. 

James groaned as Sirius sat on his legs, trapping him from moving off his stomach. 

“Moony- escapades-” He explained breathlessly into his pillow as Sirius laid his full weight on the lean boy. Sirius pouted. 

“I was checking out that requirement room, not with Moony.” Sirius lied. 

“Sure bud.” James grumbled into his pillow, pushing his face further into it.  

“No really- I had a great idea; a party- in the room of requirement. All houses.” Sirius hate how beautifully the lie rolled off of his tongue, and honestly, he hated how good the idea sounded. It wasn’t a full lie, he told himself. He did want to have a party, he did talk to Remus about it, but he didn’t want to admit to what James had so sweetly adorned his “moon-scepades.” 

He hated even more the spark that lit in James's eye. That sounded wrong- he didn't hate the spark. He was thrilled, it made Sirius even more excited for this party.

He hated that it came from another lie. 

“That's a bloody great idea, but for what occasion?” James asked, suddenly hyper-focused on the conversation. 

Sirius thought for a moment, it would be a bit odd to throw a party out of nowhere. Remus had suggested it as a way to get everyone excited for Quidditch, and if tryouts were next week?

“What about, erm, I was thinking-” Sirius found it harder to say than he had expected. James was looking at him with such hopeful, enthusiastic eyes. More vivid and excited about something than he had been in well- months. 

“I was thinking it could be before Quidditch tryouts, have it be to kickstart the season and get all the houses mixing again- I mean- Like- everyone used to be with everyone but lately like- I don't know, it's dumb, I’m sorry, I was just thinking cause everyone’s been keeping to their own houses lately and well Quidditch is uniting and I know you always talked about that- and well-”

Sirius rambled and rambled, word vomit spilling from his lips faster than James had been on that broom- oh how stupid Sirius was to bring up Quidditch- he was so stupid - How could he have thought this was a good idea? 

James was just sitting, face blank, listening to Sirius. His jaw was slightly slack, he was unmoving. The only thing that alerted Sirius to knowing that James was still with it was that that glean in his eyes had not dulled. 

“Sirius- sh-shut up mate-” James interrupted the dark haired boy's word vomit. Sirius stopped, staring. He was petrified and still, waiting for James's answer. 

“I think that's per- perfect. imagine it- we could have bets on tryouts for who gets what po- position-” James started rambling at a rapid pace, his words choppy and quick and becoming stuttered to incomprehensible as he quickened but he was smiling- 

The buzzing under Sirius's skin returned, the gentle thrum of electricity once more in his veins. He hadn't expected James to be so on board . Him and James hadn't thrown a party since last year. None of the houses this year so far had thrown anything and they were already a month in. Quidditch almost seemed taboo for the whole castle.

They would do it. Together. A party. 

Sirius felt like he was floating, vibrating so fast he was phasing through his body. 

Oh, they were so back. 

—---------~ McGonnogal

Minerva was a smart woman. She attributed that to her organization. She had her routines. She woke up early, had her cup of tea, got her classroom settled, and had plenty of time before her students filtered in. 

Her classroom had a beautiful view of the castle around it, and part of her routine these past few days had included a new spectacle: her favorite flyer. 

She wasn’t oblivious. She knew her girls. She had seen Marlene flying, diving, and looping through the early morning sky the past few weeks. She wasn’t going to say anything about it. Her voice had stumbled when she had to pull the blonde girl aside and deliver the news that she couldn’t fly anymore. She played herself when she was a student. She was wilder in those years. She was a lot like Marlene. 

She knew Lily as well. That girl. There had been a reason McGonnogal had selected her to be prefect. She cared for everyone with no exceptions. She was hard working, she was intelligent and observant. She worked excellently with others, quick-witted, with a fiery demeanor. She worked hard, although Minnie feared maybe too hard. 

Mary was a gentle girl; she had a soft heart and a pure soul. She wasn’t sure if the other brazen girls she was friends with fully saw that, from Minnie’s perspective, Mary was always running after them, but recently she had felt a bit relieved. Mary had seemed to find a new friend in Emmaline Vance, a sweet Hufflepuff girl in their same year. 

She knew her boys as well. 

Oh, her boys. Typically, they were troublemakers, but this past year, they had given her a different kind of uneasy feeling. She was worried about them. 

Peter had gotten withdrawn and angry, which worried her. He seemed easily frustrated. Minnie had also seen him chasing after that Emmaline girl. There were moments when she watched him following after the other boys, and others where she watched him avoid them. 

Remus- she cared so deeply for the boy. She had her full faith in him, giving him the role of prefect. He handled the job excellently, although he had forgotten to fill in for a sub. Which was besides the point. She had talked to Poppy last night after Remus had been brought down. She rubbed between the medi-witch's shoulders as she prepared the potions for Remus after he was finished with his transformation. 

“He’ll be alright, Poppy.” She had whispered. Poppy nodded. 

Minerva sighed at the memory, sinking into her desk chair. 

Her memory drifted to a similar moment, but the witches' roles had been reversed. 

“He’ll be alright, Minnie.” Poppy had said, her hand placed comfortingly on her bony shoulder. It had been the night after she had first called home to the Black household first year. Sirius had been called home after, and had come back that same night, stumbling through the fireplace in Gryffindor’s common room. Eleven years old, covered in bruises and tears. She hadn’t called that household since. 

Oh, Sirius, her troubled boy. He had been looking more and more strung out as fifth year kept rolling in. What was going on? A lost puppy. That’s what he looked like. Always trailing after James . 

James had been a handful this year. Not his fault. She knew it wasn’t. Yet somehow, she worried most for him. He had completely changed. She knew he missed flying just as much as Marlene. But she also knew it was more complicated than that. She had an idea. 

She didn’t know how well the idea would fly with the boy. 

But class was starting soon. And if those boys wanted to keep acting like their secret was a secret, they’d be in her room in a few minutes. And once class was over, she’d bring it up to him. 

Quidditch trials were coming up. Even if he didn’t want to fly, she was still going to give him the option; did he want to be captain of Gryffindor’s Quidditch team? 

—----------~ James

James’s chest was buzzing; he hadn’t expected to be so excited. He hadn’t expected Sirius to say that at all. He wondered if he had told Remus about his plan- whether he wanted to admit it or not, he knew Sirius was visiting Remus. He had every time since they had found out about the scruffy boy’s lycanthropy. 

A party. Sirius was completely right too- everyone had been keeping to themselves. There had been an eerie sort of chill surrounding the world of Quidditch since last year- James didn’t blame himself per se, but he knew that it was his accident that had caused the taboo around it. He wanted to change that. And right before tryouts? It’d be perfect. Get everyone rallied about the next season, encourage Gryffindors to try out- it’d be amazing. 

He felt a bit shaky about it. He didn’t lie; Quidditch did make him nervous. He wasn’t going to try out, he couldn’t even get on a broom without his brain spinning faster than the Earth. But Merlin, he couldn’t help how much he loved it. 

The speed, the way his mind would still, his hands wouldn’t jitter, he was weightless. It was the most refreshing, natural thing he did, it was everything to him. 

And then it had been taken from him, so quickly. So harshly. He couldn’t even remember it, it was like a gap. Suddenly there was, and then there wasn’t. Before, and after. There had been that one memory though. 

His broom had been bucking. It was shaking under his grip, he couldn’t fly straight. He had tried accelerating, the slower he went the wider his broom swung. That was it. There wasn’t anything else in that memory. It had just been his broom malfunctioning. Godric- why couldn’t he remember more? 

He had told Sirius, not expecting Sirius to believe him. But Sirius’s face took on a serious expression. 

“Really mate?” He had asked. James just nodded, Sirius hugged him. 

“We’ll figure out what happened.” Sirius had whispered. 

And now, he and Sirius were plotting a party. Well, they were getting ready for class. Peter had left early to go find Emmaline at breakfast. But the buzz of the idea of the party still thrummed under his skin, pumping through his veins. He couldn’t stop thinking about it. And he couldn’t stop thinking about his boom. 

Quidditch. Quidditch. Tryouts. Tryouts. Broom. Broom. Party. Party. Broom. Broom. Quidditch. 

He was getting dressed, moving at speeds so fast he felt like he was going to phase through the floor. His mind even faster. He couldn’t stop thinking about things, he had no thoughts at all, his brain was going so fast- 

Then, there was a voice- “James.” He turned around, maintaining his fervent speed. “Woah!” Sirius put his arms up, dodging out of the way as James whirled around. “Merlin, James, take a second.” James took a deep breath. Sirius continued to speak as they got dressed. 

“You know who’s going to need some help on prefect duties after breakfast?” Sirius grinned, working on his tie. James was buttoning his shirt, and cocked his head. 

“Who?” He asked, stupidly. 

“Evans.” Sirius smiled, shrugging on his robes. James stopped. Sirius was right. Remus hadn’t called in for a sub. 

“She’ll probably go with Marlene again.” James shrugged on his own robes. Sirius shrugged, putting on his boots. 

“Or, you could offer, and I could talk to Marlene.” Sirius smiled. “I can get her in on the party, she’s great with them, besides James, when’s the last time you flirted with the poor girl?” 

“I don’t need to flirt with her.” James scoffed. “Besides, I think she got pretty sick of that.” 

“Then just talk to her, be her friend, she’s close with Moony, get her to spill on him or something.” Sirius batted back. 

“Why do you want to ask about Moony so much?” James retorted, trying to change the subject. 

“Don’t switch this on me.” Sirius called him out. “Besides, James, let’s face it. You’ve gotten rusty.” 

“Rusty?” James asked, offended. 

“Rusty. I don’t think you could flirt with her even if you tried.” Sirius stuck out his tongue. 

James bit his nails, then ran his hands through his hair. He could . 

Last year he would’ve given up anything to go on prefect strolls with Lily Evans. He would use the opportunity to flirt with her incredulously. He would annoy her, flirt, be a bit of a nuisance. But this year, he had been apprehensive. He had realized he had never gotten close to her outside of that. Obviously, there had been moments when they were all together, moments where they had talked. In a group, interactions were nice. 

He normally would be brazen, he’d flirt and flirt, honestly till she would snap at him. But for some reason, the idea this time made him nervous. Jittery. Giddy, almost. His memory drifted back to a bit ago, he had had that one dream- it was nice. But it was wrong. He had to give up on her. Liking her was a horrible idea, he had to move on. She wasn't just some object for James to pine over.

She was too good to just be hitting on. She deserved more than that. More than James. 

“Jim.” Sirius punched his shoulder. “Do it. It’s just a half hour before classes, and you two can talk, and then we're going to transfig, and then we’ll go visit Moony, and then after that we can talk to Peter about the room of requirement and the party, and it’ll be an amazing day- Jimmy love of my life- please! And you need to get out of the dorm. You’re going stir crazy.” He put his hands together, and gave James the biggest, wettest, puppy dog eyes that he had ever seen. 

Damn. He never could really say no to Sirius, could he? 

And Sirius wasn’t wrong. He was going stir crazy, and reluctantly, he was rusty. 

“But what if she says no?” James debated again. 

“James.” Sirius rolled his eyes. “Do not doubt my wingman abilities.” 

James ran his fingers through his hair again, it looked a mess. 

“Fine. I’ll ask.” James crossed his arms. He tried fixing his hair in the mirror but it only made it worse. Sirius came over and ran his hands through it himself, James squawking in protest at the sudden invasion of privacy (but when did privacy become something that they had cared about?) before grabbing his arm. Sirius tore them down the stairs of the dorm and through the common room. The two sprinted all the way down to the great hall. They were both out of breath by the time they reached the tables, and basically crash landed to their seats. 

“Jesus, you two are rockets this morning.” Said Marlene, who was sitting and chatting with Lily. Next to Lily was Mary, and to her, Emmaline. There were always other houses at the Gryffindor table, it was like a mixing pot. Peter was across from the Hufflepuff, trying to chat her up, but she was actively conversating with Mary. 

“What of it, McKinnon? The coffee not enough to wake you up?” Sirius huffed. 

“Just wondering what battery you licked is all.” She rolled her eyes, Lily snickered next to her. 

Merlin, her laugh. It was perfect. James couldn’t do it. He couldn’t ask to run prefect duties with her. Luckily- or unluckily- he wasn’t so sure anymore- Sirius spoke up. 

“Well, in fact, bottle blonde, I’m quite sad today.” He pouted, starfishing his arms and pretending to die, lying on the table. Everyone else sitting scrambled to pull plates out of the way and catch falling glasses as his flopping shook the dishes. James poured him a cup of coffee from one of the pots and handed it to him. Sirius took it and started sipping. He grabbed a piece of toast and jelly and started to spread it. 

“First- fuck you, I am not a bottle blonde- and second, why’s that?” Marlene asked, snatching the toast from his fingers. Sirius mocked offended, reeling back and gasping putting his palm to his chest. James giggled, and his eyes flickered to Lily, whose smile hadn’t left her face. 

“Remus still isn’t back.” Sirius stuck his bottom lip out, before grabbing and jelly-ing another piece of toast, not letting Marlene snatch it this time- even though she tried. James had gotten himself a plate and some coffee while Sirius worked his magic. 

“Are you serious? He usually tells me.” Lily interjected, James’s focus shifted to her. She looked suddenly stressed.

“Yes I am, and you are Lily, correct? Pleasure to meet you-” Sirius stuck his hand out for her to shake as an introduction. Lily slapped it away. Sirius let out a quick ow~ and James laughed. Lily’s eyes flickered to James, he felt his face heat up along with the laughter. 

“Did he not file for a sub?” Sirius asked, pretending he didn’t already know. James was in awe of his acting, it came naturally. 

“No.” Lily played with the food on her plate. She started to turn to Marlene with a sheepish look- presumably to ask her about prefect rounds. 

“What a bummer- he's a bum, anyways! Marlene, I gotta talk to you.” Sirius shoved the rest of the toast into his mouth, stood on the bench, and basically leapt across the table- well, he did, to where Marlene was sitting, and pulled her to standing while insisting she came with him to go see something interesting. She cursed in protest, addressing Sirius in names that would even make a boggart cower in fear, the toast she stole dropping back to her plate. 

Everyone at the table just kind of stared, speechless at the absurdity. Lily’s jaw was dropped, Emmaline’s hands had flown to her mouth, and the table erupted into laughter as the two pushed and shoved their way out of the great hall. It was a flurry of hair pulling, nails scratching, fighting like siblings and cursing like sailors as Sirius pushed Marlene through the doors. 

The giggles settled, and James gulped. 

Sirius's so called “wingman abilities” were definitely questionable. However, effective, as now the opportunity had been presented to him. 

“I- I can help!” James blurted. Lily just looked at him, still a look of surprise on her face from the nontraditional exit of their two friends. 

“Uh, sure.” She accepted, seeming a bit surprised. James honestly wasn't expecting her to agree, nerves started to flutter in his stomach. They were familiar, the typical butterflies that flew accompanying Lily Evans. Maybe Sirius was right, maybe he should flirt with her again, it wasn't like he didn't not want to. He just knew he shouldn't. 

This was Sirius's idea, to get him back into his usual groove. Annoyingly, he had been right. James had lost his touch. He knew he wasn't the same as he had been, he wasn't as loud or intense. He hadn't even pulled any major pranks, only little charms to Slytherins in passing. 

Wow. He really was different. He felt uncomfortable in his skin, he was sick of feeling like he was walking around eggshells to himself. 

He had to step it up. He would. 

He had this chance with Lily, then he and Sirius would plan this party, he’d get back into his typical swing of things in no time. Warmth bloomed in his chest, a buzzy golden flow that ran from his sternum down his limbs, making him practically vibrate. It felt good. 

After a month in, finally, things were starting to smooth back over. 

It was starting to feel normal- all back to how it was. 

It was just still weird. 

This was still his first year without Quidditch.

—------------------

Chapter Text

—----------~ Lily

If this were last year, or the years before, it wouldn’t have come as a big surprise to Lily that James had asked to come with her for prefect patrols. In the years before, she would’ve said no. It would've been another pathetic flirting attempt, she wouldn't be able to get a word in edgewise, he’d make a smart comment, she'd get frustrated, and they'd remain classmates with mutual friends and a shared annoyed energy.  

But this year, it did strike her as surprising. She didn't think he’d ask, they'd had few conversations. A few- well awkward interactions since the start of the year. He seemed to have lost whatever delusion that had been hanging over his head in the past that had been fueling his flirting obsession. But what was even more so surprising to her, was that she said yes. 

So here she was, a bit dumbfounded, walking through the hallways of Hogwarts alone with James Potter. 

They were descending the stairs, heading down to the dungeons. That’s the floor she had to patrol today. Internally, she cringed, it was the worst place that she could’ve been assigned on the day that James Potter was going with. 

Should she make conversation? That would be normal, right?

“Err, James?” She started, he turned to her, a nervous quizzical expression on his face invited her to continue. “Did you ever finish your potion?” 

A crimson flush brightened his cheeks, he chuckled lightly. 

“Nah, but I’ve got plenty of detentions to finish it.” He said smoothly. Lily was quietly impressed with his non-stuttered sentence. By the way his shoulders sat back a bit and his step became a bit wider, he was quietly impressed with himself- despite still seemingly embarrassed about his potion. 

“I had barely gotten mine done.” She replied to her own question, to make conversation. “Regulus was brilliant, honestly.” 

“He's got a kn- knack for that.” James grinned. 

“He’s a bit of a broody character.” Lily commented. “Him and Sirius- they're a pair aren't they?” 

James shuddered.  “Sirius gets well, weird around Reg- Regulus.” James explained a little further. 

“I can kind of tell.” Lily admitted. She thought to the whole episode Sirius had after running into Regulus. “Does Sirius often get- like that?” She made a point to wiggle her hands a bit to emphasize his odd-ness. 

“Spaz? Honestly not- not that much, but he's got-gotten worse than that bef- f-ore.” He explained. “One ta- time after br-break he wouldn't switch out of French for two da- days, he wouldn't get out of bed, it was-” He stopped himself mid sentence, eyes falling to the floor directly in front of his feet as he spoke. He shook his head, waving his hand dismissively. He had said too much, clearly it was something he didn't feel Sirius would appreciate him sharing. 

He also stuttered a lot while telling her that story. She knew he stuttered when he was nervous, but honestly lately his stutter was more of a common thing that got worse when he was nervous. A tiny voice in the back of her head raised a little red flag, should that be something to pay attention to? Clearly this was an upsetting subject though, so at the moment she didn’t pay it any mind. 

Lily tried not to let her face show how she was feeling, because right now she knew it was caked with worry. She didn't know Sirius could get that bad, that this episode earlier was somewhat minor- She just hoped that the erratic behavior that came with this one wasn't another common event.

She wondered what other complex dynamics those four boys held so secretly, the other skeletons in their closets. Their presentation of grandeur was solid. Unfortunately for them, Lily Evans was bright. 

She could also tell that this conversation was at least somewhat upsetting to James as well, his eyes focused on the dirty stone of the dungeons, face flustered, stutter back between his teeth. 

“So so a-are you and Pandora friends?” James broke the silence. Lily felt it was a bit out of the blue. 

“We’ve talked a few times, she rolls me cigarettes.” Lily admitted. She watched his face to gauge his reaction- only a few people knew her habits and not everyone could hide their surprise that miss Prefect Lily Evans was a smoker. 

She half expected a joke, a flirty comment about how she was being naughty, a rule breaker, but oddly enough James didn't take the opportunity. He just kind of got a bit redder, pace quickening to match her anxious pace. 

“That's cool,” He said, Lily slowed, realizing how fast she was walking. James continued. “How much do you know about her err- par- party trick?” 

“Her abilities? I’ll be honest not much, why?” Lily inquired. The conversation kept drifting further and further from where Lily had originally expected. 

“Something Ev-Evan had said during potions is all.” James muttered, and quickly changed the subject before she could inquire more. “What is it you do on patrols anyway?” He asked, finally looking back to her. 

Lily smiled, taking a deep breath before talking again. Regular small talk, normal conversation. She could handle that. 

“Typically I just walk and check if there's anything going on, then I need to do common room checks, go over any reports for Gryffindor students first to fifth year and figure out when to meet with them-”

“Reports?” James interrupted.

“Yeah, if any professors need to report bad behavior, incidents during class, any worries they have, as prefect I deal with those up to fifth year, unless its something I need to report to head girl- or boy.” She explained. “Sixth and seventh years go to Frank and Alice, along with the added duties of the Head students” 

James nodded along, his gaze had started to drift from the stones in front of him to his surroundings. She watched his doe eyes wander- had he always had such dark lashes? She knew his glasses tended to slip down his face but she wasn't sure if she had noticed just how perfectly they were balanced on the strong bridge of his nose. She also wasn't sure if she had noticed how well his angular jawline matched the sharpness of his cheekbones. 

He had just been starting to lose his summer tan. He was dark, skin a light brown, but in the summer he got even darker- a deep tan that soaked through his skin like he was made from the drippings of the sun. 

Lily took note of his hands, arms crossed protectively across his chest. His shoulders weren't tight, but their relaxed position seemed a little forced. He had a gentle nervousness around him, she could feel it humming through him. He seemed a bit on edge. She could tell there was something on the tip of his tongue he wanted to say. 

His dark brows were knitted together in thought- she could only imagine what kinds of things he was thinking. In all honesty, now that they're in the dungeons, he was probably thinking about how he can execute another prank. 

He started to bite on his nails as they walked. Lily frowned, was something wrong?

Why did she care? 

“So what do you think Sirius needed to talk to Marlene about?” Lily broke the silence. It also got James to perk up instantly. 

“I don't know if I can tr-ust you Evans.” He grinned. 

Lily stopped walking, her jaw dropped. 

“You can't trust me?” She asked, mock offense. For some reason though, it irked her. He can't trust her?  

“I can't, I’m sorry Evans.” He nodded solemnly, trying his hardest to hide a budding grin. 

Cute. 

No, Annoying. 

“So you know something?” She pressed. Now she really was curious. James only grinned wider. 

“It's nothing quite yet- honestly, Evans.” He continued to tease.

“Well it had to be something . Sirius literally leapt across the table and drug her out!” She giggled as she spoke, the ridiculousness was unavoidable. James’s relaxed shoulders seemed a little less tense. 

“He was- err- excited.” James nodded, his face reading that he was still just messing with her. Lily huffed, crossing her own arms.

“I know you want to tell me.” She grinned, trying to give him a look that would get him to spill. Nothing. 

The two continued to walk, and thankfully, they had managed to finish their lap around the dungeons without any sort of incident. But Lily felt like they were finally making conversation. So she took up up a floor and they kept walking.

“If you won't tell me what you're planning, then tell me what it was Pandora said that made you think.” She tried. James looked a bit nervous, and his shoulders set a bit tighter again. 

“It was about my broom.” He said, then cleared his throat. “We’re out of the dungeons- was that all for patrol?” 

Lily stopped, and so did James. She was a bit surprised, and honestly a tad embarrassed. She pressed too far again, clearly crossing boundaries. Her and James weren't even really friends - well- they were? ish? right? 

Friends of friends? Getting closer? Flirting?

Not flirting.

Merlin- she was going insane. 

“Uh no, that's all I needed a sub for.” She said. James gave her a smile, so real and convincing it confused her- was he really upset? Just teasing? What?

“I still have to get my stuff before class.” He explained, awkwardly rubbing the back of his neck.

“Oh! Yeah, sorry, Potter.” She muttered, gathering herself and giving an awkward wave as James strode off hastily towards the nearest staircase towards Gryffindor Tower. 

Godric, what on earth was she thinking?

—---------~ Marlene 

“Sirius what the bloody hell are you doing?” Marlene shoved him as soon as they exited the great hall. Sirius grinned, rubbing his hands. Marlene glared at him harshly. 

“ What?!” She demanded. 

“We’ve got a mission. Me, you, Remus, and James.” He giggled devilishly. There was a glimmer in his silver eyes, they were reflective. Marlene’s interests were instantly piqued. “What is it?” She asked. Sirius jumped up and down childishly, before starting down the hallway towards the staircase. 

“Come on, Bottle Blonde!” he shouted back behind her. Marlene grinned, annoyance but endearment in her stomach. Merlin, Sirius was annoying. But Gordric, was he one of her best friends. She tore off after him, quickly catching up. They bolted up the stairs, and soon found themselves on third floor, to an empty hallway. 

Marlene just stared. What was this? What was so interesting about an empty hallway? 

“Err- Sirius?” She asked, “What is this?” 

Sirius put his finger to her lips. 

“Ssshhh, Marls, give me a moment.” He hummed. “Keep watch.” 

He moved closer to the wall and started to pace around the hallway, muttering to himself. Marlene was baffled, giggling as she tried to trust the process. About a minute later, Marlene thought she was hallucinating. A large door started to etch itself into the stone wall. Deep engravings, hinges, heavy stone knockers, and then- a doorknob. Marlene approached slowly, in awe. 

“Merlin, Sirius- What is this?” She asked, breathless. 

“Come on.” he smiled. He once again grabbed her wrist, her hand slipping into his as he opened the stone door, tugging her in and closing the door behind them. 

The room she saw was incredible, it was massive, there were large red tapestries with gold embellishments, golden light flooded the room, where there were staircases to what seemed to be a large balcony, with two wings down either side, she blinked again as Sirius muttered a bit more, and before her eyes the room shifted to a near perfect copy of the Gryffindor common room. It was almost identical, but it was just- improved. There were bolder, more impressive decorations. The kitchen seemed to be slightly larger, there were fully stocked pantries and liquor cabinets. The couches seemed softer and larger, and the bedrooms seemed to have a bit better security. 

It was better for a larger group of people. 

Better for a house party. 

“Sirius.” She whispered, scared to speak too loud and ruin whatever Sirius had spoken into existence. 

“Marls.” Sirius whispered back, dropping her hand and walking backwards, throwing his arms out wide. “We’re going to throw a kickoff party.” 

-------------~ Remus

Remus sighed. He stopped walking, cracking his knuckles for a moment, befire adjusting his grip on his cane and continued his walk up to Gryffindor tower, where he’d pick up his make-up Prefect duties. After that, he was off to class. 

He was tired after this past moon, and he was excited to finally be back and get back into the swing of his routine. He thought he had gotten away with a quiet walk back up, without any kind of interruption- but of course that would be too lucky. 

“Lupin” A greasy voice sneered behind him. Remus sighed, closhing his eyes, head drooping, behind glaring up the stairs to see one Severus Snape grinning at him. 

“Severus.” Remus said, voice steady. He continued up the stairs, their eyes locking as they slowed, stopping as they reached the middle of the staircase. 

“You look, tired.” Snape sneered. 

“I was up late.” Remus refused to break eye contact, Severus’s eye twitched. “Excuse me.” Remus added, continuing up the stairs. He felt Snape’s eyes on the back of his neck. 

He knew Snape had suspicions. No matter how creepy or hateful he was, he was smart. Brilliant, even. It agitated Remus. How come someone so vile could be so ingenious. He shuddered. 

He was just about to get to the doors of the tower, when he felt a tap on his shoulder. He looked beside him, and he sighed in relief at the sight of one of his best friends, Lily Evans. 

“Hey, Lily.” He smiled. 

“Glad to see you, Remus.” She beamed. “Missed having you on patrols.” She added. 

Remus grinned, he wondered if James had really ended up going with. 

“Who was your sub?” He asked her. Her cheeks turned pink. They climbed the stairs up to the fat lady’s portrait. 

“James.” She said, trying to hide a smile at the corner of her lips. 

“Oh? Really?” He asked. “How was he?” 

“Odd. He has some secret going on and said he can’t trust me- me Remus!” She huffed. They reached the portrait. 

“Flobberworm!” Lily sighed, and they climbed through the portrait hole. 

Remus was pretty sure he had an idea of what it was- the party. 

“Bizzare.” Was all he said. They each went and grabbed their respective prefect work, and sat down on the floor in front of the coffee table. 

“Remus?” She lead. 

“Hm?” He hummed in response. 

“Do you think James’s stutter is more prominent than the beginning of the year?” She asked. 

Remus’s stomach dipped a bit. 

“Well, now that you mention it.” He muttered. She was right. It definitely was more frequent than the beginning of the year. The stutter had almost entirely disappeared over the summer, only slipping out when he was nervous. But now, it was difficult for him to even go a single sentence without stumbling over his syllables. When he was scared or nervous- sometimes it would tie his tongue so hard that he couldn’t get a single sound out. Nobody wanted to say it out loud, but he was klutzier too. He tripped over his own feet, stumbled as he ran, dropped things more frequently- he was slowly losing progress. 

“Dyo think he’s alright?” She asked, her quill in her hand hovering above her paper, eyes fixated on her ink. 

“I- “ Remus stumbled over his own words. “I don’t know.” 

They finished their work in silence, heading off to their classes. 

—---------~ Sirius

They had all somehow managed to make it to class. James and Sirius glued to each other’s sides, chairs scooted together, Sirius’s legs laid out over James’s lap as he stretched back in his own chair. McGonnogal ignoring it. 

James was bouncing his leg, seemingly hyperfocused into class to an untrained eye, but to Sirius, he knew James was thinking deeply about something. He nudged James to try and get him to look up and see him. But no- nothing.  The closer Sirius looked, it seemed james wasn’t looking at anything at all, he looked out of it. There wasn’t any focus behind his eyes, the deep honey brown eyes behind the crooked glasses seemingly gone made Sirius feel uneasy. 

“James.” He whispered, nudging the boy again. Once again, nothing. Sirius frowned. He didn’t bother him again, but kept his eye on him. He noticed a twitch in his fingers. 

That was familiar. That had happened before, when he had gotten all spacey like this. Was it like, some kind of…Sirius wasn't even sure. But it left a sour feeling in his gut. His eyes drifted up to the front of the classroom. McGonnogal’s eyes were scarily aimed towards them. There was worry in her brow, her own gaze seemingly fixed on James. 

How odd. 

Sirius watched him for the  rest of class. Eventually, he had blinked, and his gaze went up to the board, a brief wave of confusion passing his brow. Sirius, while still worried, felt a ball of relief melt in his throat. 

As class ended, and everyone began to fill out, Minnie’s voice was raised against the chatter. 

“Mr. Potter, I would like to speak to you before you leave!” 

James gave Sirius a confused look, and then shrugged. Sirius forced a smile. He wasn’t sure why, but he had an uneasy feeling. 

“I’ll wait outside, mate.” he said, his cheeks aching with the forced grin, giving him a weak punch in the shoulder. 

“Al- Alright.” James smiled. Reluctantly, Sirius left the room, and leaned on the opposite wall, tapping his foot anxiously. He waited a few minutes, and the nervousness in his chest pounded harder and harder with every extra moment. 

What could she possibly be needing to talk to him about? What was happening? Was he ok? Did something happen? Maybe she was just thanking him for helping Lily on patrol- it didn’t have to be something bad. 

No- Sirius didn’t believe that for a second. 

A few minutes more passed, and Sirius was about to go break down the door himself when suddenly it opened, James letting it slam behind him as he stumbled down the hallway, tripping over his feet, and falling into the wall. Sirius’s adrenaline instantly spiked, his heart hammering, eyes focused, he tore down the hallway after his friend. James tripped into the nearest bathroom, falling over his feet and collapsing into an empty stall, breathing heavily over the bowl. Sirius slammed into the side of the stall before falling to his knees next to James. 

James was breathing rapidly, quick huffs whistling in his chest as he coughed and gagged over his choked gasps. He sounded wheezy and winded, and he was barely able to keep himself over the toilet. 

Sirius was panicking too, hands hovering over James nervously, not wanting to hurt him. And then he felt stupid. This was almost identical to what seemed to hit Regulus. This was a panic attack. James slumped over to the side, leaning awkwardly against the stall. Arms shaking as they barely held him upright. Sirius clamored over, and  pulled him tight to his chest, his back resting on him, head lolling backwards onto Sirius’s shoulder. His breathing was rapid and jagged, it sounded painful. 

What could Minnie have said?  

“Breathe, James, please.” Sirius pleaded, now realizing tears had welled in his own eyes, matching the streams of tears pooling down James’s cheeks. James shook his head, wheezing painfully. He gagged into his fist, his face rapidly palling. 

“Ca- ca- can-nn t” He stuttered, coughing harshly, pulling away from Sirius’s chest. Sirius let him have space, but kept his arms around him as he fell in front of the toilet once more, gagging on his last cough. 

“I do- do- dont- don’t wan-nnn- t-t-t-to” He sobbed, voice breaking. Sirius’s heart shattered. 

“It- it’s ok, Jamie, It’s ok- you’re alright-” he tried to reassure him. James’s head only lolled, dipping into the toilet bowl, dry heaving with painful sounding gasps. “Let it out, Jamie.” Sirius encouraged him. After a few more moments of fruitless gags and coughs, James managed to finally empty the hot coil in his stomach, losing his very little breakfast, coffee, and stomach acid. HIs breathing only worsened, and he gagged and coughed on his vomit.  

“James, please, just breathe.” Sirius begged. James’s eyes were rolling back in his head as he coughed over the toilet bowl. 

“I ca-can- can- can’t.” He sobbed, “He- hel- help help.” He begged, stutter trapping his tongue. 

“Come on, Jamie, in and out, please just try! ” Sirius begged. James nodded, his breathing pattern changing from short quick breaths to huge dramatic heaves and stuttered sighs. Sirius saw this was just as unproductive, as james started to hyperventilate on the big gulps of air, head lolling dangerously. 

“James, what happened?!” Sirius asked, desperately. James’s lips moved to form an answer but it seemed just out of reach, after a few moments of Sirius’s breathing encouragements, James managed to stutter out a sentence. 

“Mi- mi- Minnie- sh-shhhh-e she wa- wuh- want- wants me t-t-to be cap- captain and ho- hos-ss-t t-t-tryou- outs.” he finally managed. 

Sirius’s jaw dropped. Whatever he had been expecting- it hadn’t been this. But here they were. 

McGonnogal wanted James back in quidditch. In one way or another. 

—-------------------

Chapter Text

—-----------~ James 

James’s knees were aching as they pressed into the tile floors. His stomach stung, his chest burned. He was pretty sure he was still breathing, the hand on his back was helping him to realize that. There was a voice in his ear-  it was Sirius. 

“Jamie, mate, what do you mean? Captain? Really?” He was confused- rightfully so, James was confused too. And he was terrified. 

It was cruel. 

It was everything he had wanted.

He had dreamed of being captain. Frank was retiring as captain to focus on head boy duties, and it was James who was the next captain hopeful. He had been so excited. He had helped Frank hold tryouts last year, and had been so excited to plan his own- he had so many ideas. But all of those ideas had been obliterated with a high speed bludger. 

He had completely thrown the idea out of the window. But then, Minnie asked him to stay after class. 

“Mr. Potter,” She had started. “I had a proposition for you, of which you do not need to give me an answer now about.” 

James had an uneasy feeling. It had to be something bad, if she was treating him this gently. 

“Wh- what is it, Professor?” He managed. 

“I would like you to think about the position of Quidditch Captain, and hosting tryouts for Gryffindor this season.” James froze as she spoke, blood drained from his body, everything started to buzz. She continued. 

“You wouldn’t need to play in any games, or even touch a broom, but myself, and others would love to see you return in one way or another.” She finished. 

James felt like the air had been sucked out of him. The air went dry, his tongue felt like velcro. 

“I’ll think ab- about it.” He croaked, trying to get the words out. McGonnogal seemed to understand, nodding. James couldn’t recognize the look on her face. He felt ill. He needed to get out of there. “Th- th-ank you.” 

He turned on his heel before anything else could be said, head spinning already. 

He couldn’t be captain, that was fucking ridiculous. His shoulder hurt- why? 

He had run into the door, that’s what, he stumbled into the hallway, where was he going?

He tripped over his feet, sprinting as fast as his locking legs could take him, realizing rather rapidly where he needed to go. 

A bathroom. Now. 

His stomach was threatening to spill right there in the hallway, his entire body vibrated with panic, there wasn’t anything he could do except trip and fall into the nearest lav, and the closest stall, gagging and coughing, trying to get a breath. He hovered over the toilet, his chest stung- he couldn’t breathe- he couldn’t- 

His arms gave out, his grip fell and he slumped into the side of the stall, he wasn’t sure how he wasn’t completely on the floor right now- 

He felt himself being pulled to a sitting position, being supported by a strong chest behind him. He realized it was Sirius, holding him up. He let his head fall behind him onto Sirius’s shoulder. His breath still hurt- were his lungs even inflating? His breaths were quick- sharp- 

“Breathe James, please!” He heard through the ringing in his ears. He tried to open his eyes, everything was so blurry- he was wearing his glasses though- oh. He was crying. Sirius’s eyes were damp as well, which only made James feel worse. He shook his head rapidly. He couldn’t breathe. 

Shaking his head turned out to be a bad idea, as his head felt delayed, dizziness swarming his head and stomach- he gagged into his fist, lips starting to buzz. 

“Ca- ca- can-nn t” He stuttered, coughing harshly, pulling away from Sirius’s chest. Sirius let him pull away, but James was silently reassured that his friend’s strong beater arms were still supporting him upright. He choked on another breath, leading him to gag, and he was harshly reminded of his predicament- he was going to vomit. 

He hated vomiting

“I do- do- dont- don’t wan-nnn- t-t-t-to” He sobbed, voice breaking. 

“It- it’s ok, Jamie, It’s ok- you’re alright-” Sirius tried to reassure him. James’s head only lolled, dipping into the toilet bowl, dry heaving with painful sounding gasps. “Let it out, Jamie.” Sirius encouraged him. 

After a few more moments of fruitless gags and coughs, James managed to finally empty the hot coil in his stomach, losing his very little breakfast, coffee, and stomach acid. HIs breathing only worsened, and he gagged and coughed on his vomit.  

“James, please, just breathe.” Sirius begged. James’s eyes were squeezed shut as he coughed over the toilet bowl. 

“I ca-can- can- can’t.” He sobbed, “He- hel- help.” He begged, stutter trapping his tongue. 

“I’m trying, Jamie, in and out, please just try! ” Sirius begged. James nodded, his breathing pattern changing from short quick breaths to huge dramatic heaves and stuttered sighs. Sirius saw this was just as unproductive, as James started to hyperventilate on the big gulps of air, head lolling dangerously. 

“James, what happened?!” Sirius asked, desperately. 

Then James was back in the present. 

“Jamie, mate, what do you mean? Captain? Really?” He was confused- rightfully so, James was confused too. And he was terrified. 

He nodded, still focusing mainly on settling his breathing. Get. It. Under. Control. 

He slowly returned to his senses, his body tingling with the returning feeling to his numb extremities. After a few moments, he tried meeting Sirius’s eyeline. As soon as Sirius saw his eyes, he spoke. 

“Jamie, what was that?” Sirius asked. He knew Sirius was just concerned- but he hated his tone. 

“Nothing- I ju- just freaked out. Ov- over reacted.” He huffed, face reddening. He pulled himself away from Sirius, and the toilet, and rested his back against the stall. Sirius mirrored him, and the two boys faced each other. 

“Mate, that looked like a panic attack.” Sirius’s voice wasn’t vindictive like typical. It made James feel guilty, the back of his neck started to heat up. It was the tone he took with Regulus. But Regulus during their second year, when he would cling to Sirius’s robes at every dark corner and loud noise. 

“W- well it wuh- wasn’t.” He insisted, eyes burning a hole in the floor. The tiles were oddly clean. 

“I don’t mean to like- insist or be rude or like- be pushy-” He started, finding his words. “I’m sorry, James I’m just worried.” He deflated. 

“Don’t be.” James spat. He didn’t stutter. Sirius’s face fell flat. He felt even guiltier. 

After all the help Sirius just gave him. After the waiting, the comforting, the helping him to literally breathe- and James couldn’t even talk to him. 

What a shitty friend he’d become. 

And then there was his current predicament;

Did he even want to be captain? It felt like a sick joke. He wasn’t even sure if he could step foot on the pitch. He didn’t even remember what happened to fuck him all over and put him here to begin with. 

And she wanted him to host tryouts? 

As of now- he was comfortable with the current plans for Quidditch- thinking he’d just be able to sit back and watch, cheer for Sirius, blend into the background, and see where from there. He was excited to throw a party about it, celebrating the Royal court as the fallen king, now jester, of the Gryffindor Lions. He could be forgotten, all of this- forgotten. 

But this- he hadn’t expected. It was the golden reality- his hopeful future, that he knew now was impossible. What seemed like a barricaded door now just seemed like a lock that needed to be picked. It wasn’t miles away, it seemed just right outside of his reach. 

It’s not like he wanted to say yes. Right? He shouldn’t. He should give the spot to Marlene, tell Minnie if she was ok with him not flying- technically Marlene could too- she couldn’t fly but she could Captain. That’s what he should do. It’s what made sense. Every part of him screamed to not get involved. Look away. Put it back in the box and pretend Minnie never asked. It’d be easier. 

But…

Merlin, no.That was ridiculous. 

“I’m con- conflicted, Si- Siri- Siri-.” James finally spoke, giving up on saying Sirius’s full name. 

“You don’t have to know right now.” Sirius made a point. 

“I know. I- It just-” James sighed. He opened his mouth to speak again, but before he could, there was a shriek. 

James’s neck went cold, both his and Sirius’s heads snapped up, eyes meeting that of a first year Ravenclaw girl, James recognized her, she was the little sister of Ravenclaw’s main chaser. 

The two Gryffindors locked eyes, looked again at the still screaming eleven year old, who was now calling for help, and both quickly came to a very sudden and show stopping realization. 

The nearest bathroom had unfortunately been, in fact, the girls' Lavatory. 

Suddenly at their feet, Sirius pulled them out of the stall, both boys shouting apologies. Panting, they sprinted away. 

As they were running, feet pounding down the wide stone corridors, something odd started to happen.

The two boys started to laugh. James hesitated, the uncertainty clinging to his throat. The sensation felt odd, not unfamiliar, just unsure. However, the knot started to untie, the chaos and ridiculousness of it all caused a surge in his mind, and a bubbling in his chest- and he laughed.

He laughed, and Sirius’s laughs echoed off of his, and their footsteps continued to pound down the corridor. Neither of them knew where they were going, but they were fast, and they were shoving each other. They were being loud and obnoxious and disruptive and in the lightning of the moment James closed his eyes- the feeling familiar, he felt his fingers buzz with adrenaline. 

He missed adrenaline. He missed the rush. 

He missed flying, diving- dodging. 

He missed the rush of Quidditch, it itched under his skin. He felt like an addict, craving something he knows is painful. But it didn’t seem to matter. He needed it again. 

He needed it again. 

Fuck- Merlin- He really needed it again. 

He grabbed Sirius’s wrist, digging his heels into the stone corridor floors. Sirius spun around, the smile accompanying his laughter still on his lips, before he could question the sudden stop, James spoke. 

“I need to talk to Marlene.” James stated- chest heaving in an attempt to catch his breath. Sirius’s eyes were wide, his cheeks flushed, grin barring his sharp canines, huffing in an attempt to catch his own. He tilted his head, his long curls frizzy and falling as he did so. 

“Mate- What?” Sirius asked, confused. James grinned. 

“I can’t run the tryout bets at the party, if I’m holding tryouts myself.” He explained. Sirius’s smile dropped, a look of astonishment crossing his face again. 

“Mate, are you saying-” He said, voice barely a whisper, like he was scared to ask. 

“I think I need to come back.” James said, mind above his body. His voice was quiet too. Sirius just stared, slack jawed. It started to make James nervous. 

“Say something!” He shoved Sirius’s shoulder playfully. 

“James-” Sirius said, breathlessly. “You didn’t stutter.” 

There was a buzzing in his head. He hadn’t even noticed, his mind still reeling from the whiplash of the whole situation. 

He didn’t stutter. Pride started to swell in his chest. Pride was an old familiar feeling. 

“I didn’t.” James said, air suddenly leaving his own chest. Sirius’s face looked like it was about to split in half with how wide he was smiling. James wasn’t sure what face he was making, but it didn’t matter.

He didn’t stutter. 

And he was going back to that pitch.  

------------~ Peter

Peter felt giddy. He had talked to Emmaline in class, his charm was good- (both spellwise and personality) and The typical shenanigan air seemed to be brewing again. Maybe time did heal all, and everything that had been swept under the rug had been stomped down. 

Fall was starting to really settle at Hogwarts, the leaves were turning the most gorgeous shades, falling wistfully towards the cobbled pathways and roads through the castle. The breeze that filtered through the old stone and carved windows had a chill in its breath, replacing the warm gusts that accompanied the summer parts of the year. 

Peter preferred fall weather, he hated the heat- he hated sweating. He just wanted to sit back and relax outside instead of fighting for his life. So now, he chose to study outside, by the lake, under one of his favorite large trees. He had a sweater on over his uniform and under his robes. It was just chilly enough to have made him contemplate bringing his scarf, but warm enough still to not have needed it. The breeze blew ripples across the lake, and it was starting to reflect with the light from the setting sun- it set so early this time of year- he had barely finished his last class, which ended at 4:30. 

But here he was, and it was peaceful. He could finish his writing alone. Or- so he had hoped. 

There was a set of footsteps behind him. He put his finger on his page, so it’d be easier to find his spot later. So much for a peaceful lonely study evening. 

“Hello, Peter.” It was Marlene. Suddenly, a different feeling pooled in his stomach. Guilt.

Whenever he was around Marlene, all he could think about were the letters, the calls home, the pleas to come over, hang out, do something. All of which he had ignored. That and, he had no idea what she had been doing lately. Ever since she had started hanging with Dorcas, she got weird. Marlene and Mary were close too, and he didn’t want whatever it was with Marlene to rub off on her, and therefore Emmaline. The two girls had been getting rapidly closer, and Peter wasn’t shy to admit to himself that it made him jealous. Emmaline had ditched him to hang with Mary more than a few times. 

“Marls.” He replied, finally deciding to just shut his book, it’s not like he had gotten that far into it yet already. He knew whatever conversation was coming was going to take priority. 

“You been ok, Pete?” She sighed, gaze going out over the lake, eyes drifting towards the pitch to the right. She didn’t look at him. 

“Alright, and you?” He asked, sighing as well, leaning back further into the tree. 

“As well as I can.” She answered. Silence settled for a moment, only cicadas and the wind in the leaves could be heard. “Pete, I’m so mad about so many things right now.” She broke the silence. 

Peter felt a bit nervous, Marlene was impulsive, and not afraid to speak her mind. 

“Bout what?” He inquired. 

“That I’m gonna fuck something real good up real bad. I’m so mad that I can’t bloody fucking fly- Pete I’m so mad at you for not being there, I’m so mad at you for being so bloody rude lately- I’m mad at Sirius for being such a prat sometimes, I’m mad at Mary for keeping secrets-” 

Mary? Secrets? Emmaline? 

Marlene continued talking, snapping Peter out of his current sidetracked thought. 

“I’m so bloody mad at Barty, and Pete I’m even mad at James, I’m bloody mad at Dorcas, and I’m so bloody mad at myself that I can’t just be good like a normal fucking student.” 

She let out another long exhale. She opened her mouth like she was going to say more, but didn’t. 

Peter just stared out. He was pretty bloody bad too. At a lot of things. But he did feel guilty. He had been a prat that summer, he just- didn’t want to look at James. He felt too guilty about it. He couldn’t look at James’s face without thinking about what he had always thought- 

Knock James down a peg. Give him a loss for once in his Golden Boy life. 

It was his fault. 

He felt horrendous. 

“I’m sorry I wasn’t there, Marls.” he choked out, his voice groggly. He cleared his throat. “I was er, scared. I felt guilty. It was…” He hoped Marlene would interrupt what he was about to say. But she stared him down, as if it was a challenge. He swallowed, trying to get rid of the knot in his throat. 

“It was too hard.” He looked at the book in his lap, he couldn’t look her in the face. 

“Yeah, Peter. It was hard. It was hard having to tell him I had no idea where you were when you had the chance. I covered for you half the time. I lied to him about you being busy. You’re welcome- by the way.” She spat. 

Part of Peter was surprised that she was saying all of this now. The realist in him knew this was a long time coming. Which only made him more upset. 

“James hates lying.” He spat back, hoping to make her feel guilty too. 

“Rich, coming from you.” She practically hissed, his attempts ineffective.

“Why are you bringing all of this up, Marlene? Are you that upset that you were stupid and fought Barty again and had to face the consequences?” He didn’t know why he was being so bitter, it came out of his mouth like venom. His guilt deflected onto his childhood friend. 

“Would you ever tell James you’re sorry?” Marlene asked. 

Peter felt it like a smack in the face. He knew the answer. He didn’t think he’d ever be able to look James in the eye and tell him the truth. 

“Yes.” He lied again. 

“Then do it.” Marlene spat, literally, as she stood up. She kicked a bit of dirt up with the heel of her boot as she turned, huffing off in an angry fashion back up to the castle. 

Peter was too angry to even finish his book. 

He packed up his school satchel, threw it over his shoulder again, and started up the hill himself. 

The cool breeze blew through once more, this time with a chill, and Peter wished he had brought his scarf. 

—----------~ Marlene

Marlene hated crying, she hated feeling weak. But as she spat and turned on her heel, she couldn’t hold it back. She had held it long enough so that Peter wouldn’t see, but now it was fair game, and her eyes decided to make things difficult. 

She had had class with Mary and Emmaline right before, and after it had finished they went off together, just the two of them. Marlene watched, the two girls fingers brushing against each other at their sides, not quite touching, but it shared the same intimacy of lips brushing against an ear during a quiet whisper. It looked like their fingers could’ve slipped into each other's hands, linking together. But they didn’t, and the pair turned the corner of the corridor, leaving Marlene alone. 

Why was she still thinking of that? She hated how blurry things got when she cried, she hated how painful her throat twisted. She hated it. 

And Merlin, Peter made her mad. She had seen him under his favorite tree after class, and decided it was time to finally say her peace. He had been on some weird mean streak lately, but was very skilled at always managing to be around someone who he knew would back him up. He wasn’t stupid. He was sneaky. 

She had hoped that saying her peace would help her get rid of that anger, it’s not like she enjoyed being mad at her childhood best friend. But he continued to just be a slap in the face. It almost stung as much as her eyes. She needed to stop crying before she got back to the castle, but as she approached the grand entrance stairs, she cursed. Now that she had started, she couldn’t stop. 

So again, she turned on her heel and started around the grounds. After a bit of wandering, her tears had calmed, and a blanket of exhaustion had spread over her shoulders. 

She had found that she had wandered all the way to the pitch. 

Merlin, what was she doing here? Things were always fucking cruel, weren’t they. She sighed, walking towards the goalposts. It was unfair, it was so unfair. 

“You don’t seem the type to be grounded.” An unfamiliar voice made her jump, she spun around, shocked. She couldn’t speak, her jaw frozen slightly agape. 

“Relax, just me, no Barty.” Regulus spoke again. Marlene couldn’t help her heart pounding in her chest, was this a setup? She knew she shouldn’t have come here- why, Godric why did she come here?

Regulus was holding his broom, he was in quidditch robes, not the full uniform, just practice robes. 

“I’m not, usually.” She finally answered. Regulus didn’t say anything, just looked at her. Reading her. He shared the same look Sirius did when he did that, completely emotionless, completely unreadable, you could never tell what they truly were deducting about you. 

“Catch.” He said, tossing his broom. Her reflexes were just as sharp as they always were, and she caught his broom easily. It was beautiful, the bristles perfectly trimmed and maintained for speed, the gloss on the handle seemed to be professionally shined, no splinters or loose screws on the footholds, perfect condition, the perfect seeker’s broom. She was a bit surprised at how well kept it was. 

“What?” She asked, holding it carefully. 

“You came here to fly didn’t you?” He asked, dryly. Marlene wasn’t sure what to say. She hadn’t spoken to Regulus much before, and this was all very odd. 

“Uh, I can’t.” She admitted sheepishly, it was humiliating, honestly. At this point, the majority of the castle knew she couldn’t, so having to repeat it- especially to Regulus Black of all people just felt like a kick in the mud. 

“I don’t know why I came out here.” Her voice holding a forced nonchalance. She felt foolish, reaching his broom back out for him to take, he crossed his arms, refusing to take it. 

“I mean, I came out here to fly.” He told her, shrugging. Godric, this kid was weirder than Sirius. Marlene shook her head, this was all too bizarre. 

“Regulus, what are you doing?” She asked, once again trying to give him back his broom, but he wouldn’t take it. 

“I’m taking pity on you.” He said it so casually, it was comical, but it hit Marlene right in her pride. She let out a “Ha!” 

“I don’t need that from you.” She said, chuckling at her embarrassment. She had been rather pitiful these past few hours. She started to walk past Regulus, and put his broom to his crossed arms on his chest. “Take it.” She said, Regulus refused. “Take it!” Her voice raised. 

At the raise in volume, Regulus backed up, but he still didn’t take his broom. Instead, in a flick quicker than Marlene could comprehend, he had pulled his wand. She backed up, suddenly a little nervous. Her hand found her own wand, which she always kept tucked in her sleeve for quick retrieval. But Regulus didn’t aim his wand at her, instead, he aimed it out to the side. She followed the point, he was aiming it at the supply shed. With another flick the door flew open, and another, a broom to his hand. Well- it came in their direction and clattered at his feet. He jumped a bit, eyes flicking to Marlene in what she could only guess was slight embarrassment. His charms were sloppy.

“It’s pointless walking all the way down here to not fly.” He said, picking up the broom. Throughout the whole interaction, his face had not changed once. It made Marlene nervous, she hated not reading people. Being able to tell what people were thinking. She was still stupidly clutching his broom. 

“I know you know where the bats are,” he said, taking a few steps back and mounting the shitty lesson broom from the shed. “I don’t want to end up like your Golden Boy, so hit some bludgers at me, it saves me the trouble of charming them.” 

Just like that, he was in the air, and Marlene was still flabbergasted. She looked at the shed, a few drills couldn’t hurt, right? She still had his broom, and it was a really nice broom…

Fuck it. 

It’s not like things could get any weirder, right? 

—-----------------