Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Sunday morning brings the dawn in

It's just a restless feeling by my side

Early dawning, Sunday morning

It's just the wasted years so close behind

Watch out, the world's behind you

There's always someone around you who will call

It's nothing at all

5th May 1975

The look of guilt, pity and something else that he couldn’t quite place. The look that Remus had become all too accustomed to over the years. His place at the school was never guaranteed, a blessing in its own right - Remus knew it, but he could never quite settle. As Lyall placed a steady hand on his shoulder, meant to be endearing but just felt tense, a rough rumble signified that the train had finally arrived.

A few years ago, if you had told Remus that he’d be returning to Hogwarts for a fourth year, he would’ve given you a look of concern, since that prospect would’ve seemed downright impossible and you must’ve been beyond insane to believe it, and walked away. Despite him returning from Easter break, Remus had never been too sure that he’d come back to Hogwarts; moving around constantly since the age of six does tend to terribly affect a boy’s sense of belonging.

He waved off Lyall, and made way for the train.

//

Lupin’s lycanthropy meant that he grew at a rate that would seem concerning. He wouldn’t doubt that he could one day reach eight feet - at the rate at which he had been growing, it was a plausible height to consider. As he assorted his limbs in efforts to feel a semblance of comfort, settling his lanky legs under the carriage’s table, Peter had finally arrived at the final blow of the whistle. “My bad, my mom was nagging me about my packing”, he sighed with a defeated look that showed how fed up he already was.

The four boys had all ended up in the same carriage in First Year, the same carriage that they had claimed as theirs since then. First it had been James, who was eager to start; stories of Hogwarts that his father had told him of his time there fuelled him with nothing but the utmost excitement. He'd been happy to find an empty carriage (though he was probably one of the first on the train anyways). Next it had been Peter, who was greeted by James and settled for staying with the first person who had shown him any level of kindness - most Hogwarts students happened to be from the South in some turn of events, and Peter probably sounded foreign to them, his Cockney accent strong in first year. After him, it was Remus - the lanky boy with the silver scars and seemingly reserved personality - who peeped in, asked if there were any free seats, and settled in the corner, taking up barely any space in attempts to become invisible and entirely ignored. Finally it had been Sirius - to be the heir to the Black family name, an infamous pureblood family, one of the sacred 28, with a long lineage of Slytherins - who seemed anything but happy to be there. He took a step in, glared at the three boys and dismissed James' greeting with a shrug. For a first year, he acted an awful lot like a grouchy old man. Despite the expectation of Slytherin, the tatty Sorting Hat had deemed Sirius a worthy Gryffindor, much to the distaste of his parents (and him at the time). This, over the course of the first year alone, had resulted in countless howlers from his mother, disapproving of his behaviour, a strained, if not non-existent relationship with his younger brother, and over the course of the first three months, a preconditioned and personal rivalry with the entire house of Slytherin.

Messing up his carefully styled hair - that no doubt Mrs. Pettigrew had insisted on - James welcomed him back, wrapping an arm around his shoulder, and dragging him down to sit with them. The four easily fell into a conversation, naturally led by Sirius and James, recounting the events of their break and their Fourth Year, and the prank that they'd been planning, set to signify their return to the wizarding castle.

//

Remus had obviously entered the Gryffindor common room countless times prior, yet it never fails at bringing him to a state of awe. Lavish rugs, and ornate frames holding those belonging to Hogwarts’ extensive history; various couches adorning the richest materials, surrounding the raging, yet comforting fire, bringing a warm ambience to the common room, alongside the moonlight peeking through the grand windows lining the walls. They made their way to their dormitory, settled in - unpacking, or more accurately in some of the boys’ cases, this meant getting their robes out and collapsing on their beds.

Remus, being the only one in his dorm to fully unpack, had muggle books strewn on his bedside table, a record player balancing haphazardly on the ledge of the window, and various records stashed under his bed. Being the only half-blood with any knowledge of muggle culture in his dorm meant that he had become the designated collector of muggle items that would strike any interest to the pureblood boys of the dorm; this included books (though this was an interest individual to Remus), and records (music becoming a passion shared amongst the boys).

Instantly at the sight of the records, it had seemed to reboot Sirius’s memory, launching into his rambling. “My cousin- you know my cousin, Andromeda? Hard to forget her, only one who isn’t half mad in that blasted house, Anyways, she got her hands on that record by that one band, you know- something about being confused in that one tune, “ Running his hand through his hair in frustration, his ink black hair fell about his face; framing his pale skin, high cheekbones and aristocratic features that made him, so obviously, a Black. “Remus help me out here, you know what they’re called?!”

“D’you mean Led Zeppelin?” he questioned with a raised eyebrow, raising his head to glance at the boy for a second, searching for a look of approval, before returning to his copy of Dracula that his friend had gifted him during Easter. “Yes! Yes, Led Zeppelin, she got her hands on their new album and she wrote to me that it was- and get this" He marked the next words with a look of what can only be described as one of complete and utter awe, and introduced the next words with steady moving hands, "‘the future of rock’”.

The words tumbling out of his mouth, the excitement apparent by his upturned lips and restless hands illustrating each word with movement. He averted his gaze to Remus, “Thanks Lupin you always know these kinds of things, what an intelligent, dashing boy,” Sirius had said with a voice that was scarily accurate at imitating that of their Transfiguration professor, Professor McGonagall. He finished with a ruffle of the sweater-clad boy’s hair, and an animated kiss on the cheek before running over to James who had just brought out some ‘equipment’ for their first prank of the term. Wiping his cheek with his woollen jumper, Remus noticed a slight warmth in his chest. Confused by the reaction he ignored it. Drawing his curtains, Remus lay facing the ceiling, thinking about anything and everything, unable to find rest these days, until the early hours of the next day.

Chapter Text

I'm so tired, I don't know what to do

I'm so tired, my mind is set on you

I wonder, should I call you?

But I know what you would do

25th June 1975

Matted fur and overgrown talons. Amber eyes bright in the view from the window. A gust of bitter air. The figure is approaching closer, growing larger and larger. Insurmountable pain. Shrieking and screaming, just begging for somebody to find him. Squeezing his eyes shut, he prayed that it was a nightmare. That the monster hadn’t been real. That his dad would find him screaming in his sleep and would calm his son down. Blood trickled down his ribs, the pain travelling through his body as the talons and teeth dug deeper, and deeper, tearing through layers of skin and tissue.

Gasping for air as if he were underwater, Remus’ eyes flung open. Collecting his breath, a sigh followed, realising that it had just been a nightmare; something that he had grown used to over the past decade. Taking in the room around him, the high ceilings above him, and the bed he lay in, he concluded that he was in the Hospital Wing. It was the morning after the full.

Pushing himself up on his forearms, a sharp pain travelled up his torso, ending around his collarbone. A grunt escaped him as the ache in his head took over the already unbearable pain. The full was never a good experience, hard to call it one when it turned Remus into a flesh-eating monster, but his situation when at home made the Shrieking Shack seem like a haven. Lyall had never embraced his son the same ever since he had been bitten, supposedly since he had inflicted it upon him. Lyall Lupin was a man of conviction, very few words yet what words he did choose to say had enormous effect. He was employed at the Department of Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures, and vocally, and very publicly, had made his views on werewolves known. The exact words that caused Remus’ monthly episodes were branded into his mind - werewolves were ‘soulless, evil, deserving nothing but death’. For obvious reasons, Lyall's statement wasn’t well received by any werewolf, and especially not by one: Fenrir Greyback.

His recurring nightmares were most often recounts of the night it had happened. The night he had been bitten.

Turning his head, he read the clock, just past ten. He thought he had slept a generous amount, and spent the rest of the school day lazing in the bed, and reading; something Miss Pomfrey would call ‘necessary bed-rest’, but what Remus had declared a waste of his day.

//

“Hey, you up Remus?” Through bleary eyes, he could make out a figure that looked to be Sirius. Under the guise of disorientation, he took in his appearance. Wisps of ebony hair, like strokes of a pen, falling onto his ivory skin - Remus had thought since the day that he had first met Sirius that he had been a Greek statue that had just gained consciousness. His eyes, silver and glittering, they would be haunting if the boy holding them wasn’t Sirius. Despite their resemblance to the moon, the same moon that caused him to tear himself to shreds monthly, the same moon that he couldn’t stand, Remus thought that they looked just alike, but were so much more precious. Sirius’ lips quirked into a smile, the corners perking up. His beaming smile, and pillowy, pink lips; Remus wondered what it would feel like to touch them, to feel them under his own, to taste them.

Reality rushed back to him - he pushed the thoughts away, leaving it to werewolf hormones, and not actual attraction. Beyond being confused as to why he had conjured them up in the first place, he realised that he had, in fact, been staring, very blatantly, at Black’s face. “Hmm, yeah. What time’s it?”, he eventually replied, with a faint Welsh lilt, rubbing the back of his hand over his face, to hide the blood rush apparent on his own cheeks.

Sirius’ head turned to read the clock, and his neck, God, his neck’ Remus thought, thankful he hadn’t said the words aloud. Oh, how Remus wished he could wrap his fingers around it, drag his lips across Sirius’ jaw, travel down his neck, leaving marks along the way, biting down on Sirius’ collarbone, having Sirius make the most ungodly noises beneath him; both of them panting, and-

Remus decided it was better to not have a wet dream (though he wasn’t asleep, so not a dream at all), in front of the subject of said dream (dream being a term he was using loosely at this point, not wanting to admit that they were completely conscious thoughts) who happened to be his MALE (Remus isn't gay) best friend. “Quarter to 9”, the voice replied, he turned back, grey eyes locking with green. “I wish I could’ve come earlier but Pomfrey was giving me grief. Like I know you have to rest but really, I’m not that disruptive”, he explained with a sigh, arms waving, all of the necessary Black theatrics.

Over the course of the next couple of hours, Sirius had ended up lying beside Remus, a hand lazily resting atop the other boy’s hip, recounting the events of the day. They stayed like that until the early hours of the next day; as Miss Pomfrey came in to check upon Remus, she thought better than to disrupt them - her heart warming, and the door shutting behind her.

//

27th June 1975

Just having left his last class, History of Magic, Remus decided to divert from his usual route to the dorms, and retire to the library. Due to his insistence of being top of every class, alongside his monthly episodes of being a murderous creature, his assignments piled up massively. The library had ended up being the place that Remus stayed the most in the castle, besides his own dorm, even to the extent that Ms. Pince had begun to take a liking to him - even allowing him to bring tea into there, despite her being adamant on her codes of conduct. Making his way through the arched entrance, the warm lighting engulfed him, surrounding him in an enchanted silence; he felt his muscles release tension that he didn’t even know that he was holding. Settling onto the desk that he had claimed since his First Year (nobody else had sat there since so he felt as though he could now call it his), he disposed of his belongings, and made way for the bookshelves.

//

“Never seen someone read about ‘Goblin History: from Start to Now’ for so long”, somebody said in a teasing tone that startled Remus out of his trance - reading about goblins for 3 hours seemed to have that effect on anybody. Lifting his head, wincing as a gnawing pain travelled through his spine, he discovered that the face belonged to a certain Evan Rosier. He and Remus had interacted a handful of times before, though mostly only when assigned a project, or something of the like, together. Copper skin, with caramel waves framing his delicate features. His rosy (very fitting) lips naturally pouty - amber eyes looking back at him, though they weren't piercing, more enchanting. The boy looked rather unassuming - beautiful, yet unassuming - though that was anything but how he was in reality.

Rosier was a bit renowned around the castle for flirty behaviour - girls and boys alike fell victim to it, though often completely willing. He seemed not to be intently attracted to any of them despite this, though he held a certain air specific to him; suave and smooth, his body moved in accordance with the words uttered through his lips, he was like a siren. Remus wasn’t immune to the flirtatious behaviour, though they were entirely one-sided - Remus was too invested in his grades to entertain that for now - his boyfriend often joined too. Was he his boyfriend, or just a friend? Remus genuinely had no idea, and it didn’t seem like many other people knew either. They touched and spoke as if they enjoyed each other’s company beyond the level of just being mates, though maybe it was just up to their amorous personalities - it made sense though who was Remus to assume anything about anybody? Though he couldn’t deny that they’d be a good-looking couple.

The flirting from Evan and his boyfriend - his name was lost on Remus - wasn’t ignored though, the boys of Gryffindor had made some stupid joke of how they must be in love with Remus, which was obviously absurd; though there was truth in the statement of how they definitely acted strange with Remus compared to others, something in the way they spoke, the way they looked at him. Remus refused to entertain it but he didn’t really mind - he wasn’t gay or anything though

“Binns couldn’t do them justice, I’m just enthralled by the Goblin Rebellion of the 18th century”, Remus returned with a half-smile. A brief laugh spilling out of Rosier’s mouth. The two boys began talking about the assignment, which led them to Remus's desk. They sat down and chatted until the time was lost on them.

//

“Shit, it’s already half past nine”, Remus realised, the clock signifying 9:37. The boys were probably wondering where he was. “That’s alright, haven’t got lessons tomorrow”, Evan replied, seeming completely unbothered by the late hour, or the panic in Remus's voice. In four hours, they hadn’t continued with the goblin rebellions or studied at all, rather talking about anything and everything in between. “How about you come back to my dorm?”, he questioned when Remus had failed to reply. “Can’t, the boys will start to worry if I’m not back by ten”, he sighed.

The last time Remus had been absent from the dorm once lights were out, James was scolding him like a father would, Peter let him go with a warning, “Just let us know where you are next time, alright?” he said in his northern lilt. Sirius had acted like Remus had stabbed Sirius’ firstborn, expressing how betrayed he felt - and then threw his arms around the boy for an unnecessary amount of time, and then felt the need to walk him to the dorm, arm in arm for the next week. Remus didn’t mind all that much, though he did wonder why Sirius had acted like that.

“Come on, we’ll just go for a bit of a walk then. Can’t have your three mothers grounding you now, can we?”, a playful tone on his lips. Agreeing, they both left the library with their books and bags, taking a stroll through the grounds. Looking back, the possibility of getting caught by Filch and Mrs. Norris (more of a rodent than a cat) was very high, though they didn’t think of that then.

Throughout their dialogue, Remus had noticed what the boys were talking about, the unnecessary physical touch and strong eye contact. They let the words fall from their mouths in easy conversation, strolling by the Black Lake.

Chapter Text

We walked around a lake

And woke up in the rain

And everyone turned over

Troubled in their dreams again

27th June 1975

Slowing his pace, Evan decided it was now or never. It wasn’t as serious as ‘now or never’, yet he could live without the embarrassment. This had all begun because of one morning in the Great Hall during their third year.

//

“Amore mio, he’s just beautiful, don’t you think?”, the boy said, his hair unkempt from sleep. ‘He’ was a specific Remus Lupin - despite their natural dislike of anybody and anything associated with the house of Gryffindor, Lupin was different. They always thought he should’ve been in Ravenclaw; the boy was an enigma. You either loved him, or you didn’t even know that he went to Hogwarts - Evan personally fell in the first category, alongside Barty. Lupin’s tawny curls, a constellation of freckles, Oh god, do you reckon he has them under the robes too?, littered atop his pale complexion. His eyes seemed to change colours too, just adding to his allure; amber to green and back.

“Rosie, I’m so bored”, a teasing tone playing on his words, Barty dragged his fingertips alongside the slip of skin bare on Evan’s hip. The last time Barty was ‘so bored’, he enchanted his hair, the bottom layer turning a deep green - noticeable, yet not an eyesore by any means. Being Barty, it looked magnificent and Merlin did Evan like it. Not yet having grasped his boyfriend’s attention, he continued, “You know who looked extra good today?” waiting for no reply, he followed “Lupin. Merlin he’s pretty; not as much as you Rosie, never as pretty", he paused his words to catch Evan's lips in a chaste kiss, "but still. He’s just waiting to get scooped up, not sure why Big Black hasn’t made any moves, he’s obviously obsessed with Remus”.

This has resulted in, what was now referred to as in the Slytherin dormitory as - Project Gay Gryffindor. Evan had sighed as soon as he had heard it, but it did encapsulate the plan well. Less of a plan and more of a pursuit of passion, it involved getting Remus to realise that he was gay. Well, he was gay - clearly - but did he know?

Surprisingly, none of the Slytherins were up to date with Remus’s sexual awakenings (or possible lack thereof), so in reality the plan was to act on their shared attraction towards the boy, and that involved -

//

Brushing his pinky past the other’s hand, he looked up at him (literally up, Merlin, Remus was bloody tall for a fourth year). A smile playing on the boy’s lips, he loosely grabbed Evan’s hand; Evan decided that this was time to enact it. He began to divert the route towards an alcove, hidden away.

By the time that they had reached the alcove, any space between them disappeared. Maybe he is gay then.

“You know,” Remus against the wall, Evan ghosted his hand over the other’s jaw - Remus just looked down at it, but he didn't look mad. “You’re real pretty Lupin.” This seemed to amuse Remus who just chuckled in response. “Hope you wouldn’t mind if I did this,” he whispered as he moved his face closer to Remus’s, lining their eyes up, “would you?”

“.. No.”

Closing his eyes, Evan’s lips found Remus’s, chapped but fuck, were they soft.
Needing more than a prolonged peck on the lips, he licked his tongue into his mouth; accepted and pleasantly appreciated, he roamed further. The taste of Remus was something special, and Merlin the boy could kiss. He pulled away for a brief moment, “Nothing serious though yeah? ‘M not gay or anything.”

Amused by the statement, Evan hummed a “Mhm” and leaned back in.

Evan’s robes having been abandoned, he began tugging on Remus’s shirt buttons, tracing his fingers down the fabric, unbuttoning them painfully slowly. They only got about halfway until Remus flipped Evan against the wall; moving further into each other, Remus’s hands had found their way to Evan’s shirt, leaving it unbuttoned as his lips travelled across the boy’s collarbones. Teeth grazing against skin, their lips found each other soon enough; wanting more, Evan’s hips grinding onto Remus, he palmed the boy through his trousers, a gasp escaping Remus’s pretty mouth. He worked his hand to unzip Remus’s fly - panting into each other’s mouths, kisses exchanged every few seconds. He stepped back, not daring to move his hand. They were alone, for sure, nobody would be out, it was well past 10 (damn Remus’s roommates, this was a fantasy fulfilled for Evan).

Remus grabbed Evan’s hand, taking him to the other side of the alcove, a door painted the same colour as the stone - wizards were well clever. He pulled him into there, locking the door. “Can I?” Evan asked through his laboured breathing, indicating to his hand palming Remus through his trousers. The taller boy nodded, letting him get onto his knees. Unzipping his trousers, and pulling down his boxers shit, fuck, shit, fuck, Evan was shocked - much more pleased than shocked, but shocked could describe it too.

// 10 Minutes Later

As they walked to the entrance of the Gryffindor common room together, they spoke as if nothing had happened - it was for fun after all. “Just wanna make sure Lupin, we’re all good, yeah? I’d sure as hell like to do that again but still mates?” he questioned with a tilt of the head. They had reached the common room by then, lingering at the entrance, and stood next to each other. “Evan, I’m not a prude. I'm not like that anyways, Merlin.”, Remus replied, ending with a playful smile. Evan nodded, and pulled the boy into a hug, Lupin reciprocated. “See you soon Remus”, Evan backed away, sending a wink towards Remus; he turned and walked to the Slytherin dormitory, not waiting for an answer.

“You bet, Rosier.”

//

“Mio dio, sei così perfetto“, he said, though it sounded more like an exhale than a sentence. Evan has just recounted the events following the library. “Mhm? Baby, what’d you say?”, lifting his head to look at Barty, he found brown eyes already trained on him. “Just so charming, hmm you’re so pretty Rosie”, he sighed adoringly, caressing Evan’s jaw.

That day Evan realised three things:
1. He loves Barty, so very much.
2. Goblin History is a drab topic.
3. Remus (does he even have a middle name?) Lupin is so very unpredictable and in denial.

Chapter Text

Love is gone along with fun

Now we're reaching for the gun

Changing cast, changing fast

No more tether

We are never satisfied

28th June 1975

“Remus John Lupin.” a stern, disembodied voice said beyond the safe haven of Remus’s bed and curtains. “Fuck, mate what?” he sighed, muffling into his pillow, turning to the other side and nestling further into the mountain of blankets. Drawing back the crimson curtains, James’ usually smiling face was stoic. All too fast it dawned upon Remus what had happened, an ample excuse falling out of his mouth far too quickly.

“I was in the library and then got sidetracked with a mate. I walked him to his dorm and then got back past 10, sorry James. I know I should’ve let you know but I didn’t even notice how late it had gotten,” the lie spilling easily from his lips - Remus bet he could convince somebody that he was the second coming of Christ if he cared enough to.

“Tell that to Black, think he’s more upset than me.” James was surprisingly pleased and accepting of the excuse, giving a lopsided grin, though quick to give warning. Remus knew how Sirius would get with things like these, he was almost scared to see how he would react this time. Amply aware that he wouldn’t get any more sleep, he pulled the curtain back fully and walked to the bathroom - more so wobbling due to his attempt at avoiding the growing clutter on the floor. Shutting the door, he stepped in front of the mirror, wiping a hand over it to clear the condensation. Studying the reflection, he looked drained, growing circles under his eyes. His mop of hair was sticking out in every direction possible, and-

Shit.

Blooming on his warm skin, one or two bruises forming - red and angry - across his collarbone, down his neck. How the fuck am I going to hide this? Thankful James hadn’t seen them, or bothered to question them at least, he wondered what he would say when somebody inevitably saw the bruising that only got worse with time.

Remus had kissed people (three, all of which were entirely platonic but they still counted in his mind), yet nobody knew, seeing as they had occurred over the Christmas and Easter breaks. He definitely didn’t plan on telling anybody the truth about his ‘mysterious new lover’ (which Evan wasn’t at all), or explaining that they weren’t the first to ‘deflower’ Remus. He hadn't done anything beyond kissing before, but Remus didn't even like boys. He wasn't gay for kissing a boy, and he didn't go further on Evan - he's not gay. It's not as though he's liked a boy romantically anyways, kissing means nothing. The boys were supportive of Remus, the handful of times he had been flirted with by a boy or two in front of them (though Remus maintained the belief that none of it had been flirting, just friendly conversation) and none of them seemed out of the ordinary - other than Sirius, who always angrily scolded them, leaving the boy sorry, and ending up in Sirius storming off some time soon. However, he always expressed nothing but indifference when questioned about the gay identity so maybe he just didn’t like flirting, or something? (He loved flirting, but Remus didn’t care enough to delve deeper, he wasn't gay anyways).

Remus was thankful that nobody was paying attention to him in the dorms; he planned on asking one of the girls for something to cover the majority of it, but until then - well, he had no plan. Turning the shower on, he sighed - if only I had known how hard being a slut was, wouldn’t have done it.

Pulling a high collared shirt over his head, he attempted to cover them, but fuck, Evan had clearly made good use of time. Waiting until the three boys had filtered out of the room, Remus bolted to the wardrobe, pulled out appropriate clothing for the 30 degree weather, and made way for the girls’ dorm.

//

“What do we have here? Are you trying to look high-fashion or something Lupin, the frumpy grandpa look was really going for you,” Marlene chuckled, pulling Remus in for a quick embrace before letting him in and shutting the door behind him. “Haha, should try for the telly, bet they’d have you on, absolute bloody comedian”, he teased, through silent seething frustration at how she could attempt humour when faced with such a dire situation! Marlene was the only other one (other than Lily) in their social circle who was raised in a muggle household growing up. The three often bonded over their shared yearning for a television, or proper radio - absolutely anything that the muggle world had that was a foreign, practically alien, concept to the wizarding world. Seen as Marlene was the one with the closest skin shade to Remus (as well as the only one in the room, other than himself), he asked her for anything that could be used on him. Despite insistent questioning, and too many close calls, she eventually gave in, handing over a small jar of some cream that would be ‘perfect for Remus-related skin pigmentation issues’ as Marlene had coined them, with a quizzical look on her face.

//

Strolling by the Black Lake, Remus had spotted the boys, under an the big oak tree - Potter lying down, tossing a golden snitch up into the air above him, catching it and seeming enthralled by the simple game, Pettigrew was hunched over, cramming for an overdue Potions assignment. He seemed overwhelmed with the sweltering (for the Scottish Highlands) heat, as was Remus, who had been pulling his shirt away from his back, slick with sweat. Sirius’s back was against a tree, his legs bent at the knee in front of him. He looked straight ahead and seemed entranced in nothingness, Remus failed to see what he was staring at, so he figured that he was entirely spaced out.

“Hey! Where’ve you been, Remus?” James questioned in a teasing tone, probably alluding to last night - “Girl’s dorm, needed help with the Transfiguration.” he sighed, letting his lanky legs settle besides James, propping himself up on his forearms. A complete lie, Remus had been top of the year in Transfiguration for the past two years, though if anybody caught the lie, they hadn’t mentioned it. Turning his head to the inky haired boy, Remus tried to catch his attention. “Hey Sirius?” he spoke, when Sirius had finally noticed the snapping fingers and repetition of his name, like a chant, all he gave was a “Hm,” dismissing the greeting with a wave of the hand, his response lacking any substance. Giving up on the endeavour, already exhausted from the heat, Remus retired to his beaten-up novel (some new muggle one that Lily had lended him, Dracula was long finished, re-read twice already) and they stayed in a comfortable silence, randomly disrupted by Peter’s expletives (the poor boy was hopeless with assignments this long).

//

Walking out of the dorm, Remus slowed down to match Sirius’s pace as he hung behind the rest of them. With a smile that stayed unreciprocated, he spoke, “hey Sirius, seriously what’s wrong?” Tired of the boy’s stony expression, Remus was determined to break the stupor.

Instantly, he blinked, looking at Remus and letting out a sigh. “Who did that?” He snapped, glaring at Remus. Puzzled as to what ‘that’ was, he raised an eyebrow, asking what on earth he was on about.

“You know what.”

With a breathy chuckle, he retorted, “No, I don’t Sirius, what are you talking about?”

“That,” he shot an accusing finger, pointed to the base of Remus’s neck, “Who the fuck did that on your neck?” This time the statement lacked the conviction he previously held, his voice wavering at the end.

Fuck, he was on about the hickey. Running his hand over where Sirius’s finger had pointed, he felt shame rush over him. Fuck, no why is this how I feel? I didn’t do anything wrong. He gets with girls all the time, and I’ve never pulled some shit like this about any of that. Why is he even so fucking angry. “None of your business,” he pulled his collar shirt higher around his clavicle, “fuck, why are you angry at me?” The jumble of words fell out of his mouth in a spur of frustration, Sirius usually got him like this. He looked taken aback, a rush of crimson rising to his cheeks, “I don’t care, fuck no I don’t give a shit, just don’t do it again, fuck.” Suddenly sounding dejected, his eyes no longer met the green ones he had just been staring, so accusingly, into. “What are you talking about Sirius, are yo-,” unable to finish the sentence as Sirius turned around, quicker than should be possible, and bolted to the dorm, slamming it behind him.

Entirely confused, ashamed, angry and concerned, Remus fell onto his bed - stomach full of unease. He felt sick. It was all for fun. Just fun, like Evan said. Just fun. He repeated to himself in his mind.

“What the fuck was that?”

//

Shoving his belongings into his case, Remus would be lying if he said that he had remembered that it was the last day of his fourth year. Gods, this day had fucked him up. Usually prepared, he searched under his bed for any lingering books or socks - satisfied that he’d collected all of his belongings, he ran downstairs, alongside the other boys who also hadn’t cared to pack in preparation.

Waving off Peter, he caught his eye on a certain Black. “Hey! Sirius!” Desperate to catch him, he ran over to the boy - who had turned around the instant he had heard his name. A grin playing on his lips, he pulled Remus into a hug the second he could reach him. All too surprised, yet very thankful that he had gotten over it, Remus sighed and relaxed into the embrace, a smile taking over his face. Pulling back, still holding the other boy, he searched his face, and, well fuck he was gorgeous like this. Rosy cheeks, that devilish grin and the sparkle back in his stormy eyes. “We’re alright, yeah?” he questioned once he left the enamoured daze that he was in. “Mhm Loops, better than alright,” Sirius responded, seeming dazed for some reason, his eyes searching Remus’s face - enjoying the undivided attention, an even bigger grin erupted onto his face. Sirius’s cheeks now adorned a raging, red hue, his eyes staring adoringly into Remus’s. He could’ve sworn that their faces began to inch together, Sirius’s eyes falling to Remus’s lips, when-

“Remus, Sirius, Mum and dad’s here!” the bespectacled boy shouted, dragging both of the boys’ attention away from each other. Despite his disappointment, he happily greeted Euphemia and Fleamont Potter, bid his farewell to the family, and Sirius who was currently being studied by a pale, gaunt man, steel-coloured hair pushed back, clad in an all-black suit.

Pleased that he and Sirius had made up, he pushed away the thought of Sirius's face so close to his, feeling his breath on his neck . Walking away from the boys, he felt a rustle in his pocket as somebody had rushed past him - fuck the letter. He pulled out the brown envelope from his robe’s pocket. He had received it prior to boarding the train, told it was from Lyall though he had completely forgotten about its existence. It read:

Dear Remus Lupin,

I am writing to you to inform you of our change in residence. We have moved to a flat close to the station, I will leave the postcode at the end of this. I expect you to get there by train. I will be back at 9. There is a spare key under the doormat.

Regards,
Lyall Lupin

Fuck. Scrunching the paper into a crumpled mess, he fisted both of his hands deep into the pockets of his jacket, making his way to the closest stop. Lyall was the same Lyall he had been - cold, stern, and God, so formal - and it’d be another summer of building a life to abandon in mere weeks.

Chapter Text

I'm waiting for my man

Got twenty-six dollars in my hand

Up to Lexington, 125

Feel sick and dirty, more dead than alive

I'm waiting for my man

(Still,) 28th June 1975

Stepping onto the pavement, London’s rowdy streets struck him. Despite his constant moving address, Remus hadn’t stayed in London for too long to really find the place homely; he saw it for what it was. London, to Remus, was a try-hard metropolis, with too many tourist cash-grabs to be seen as a place to live - and so God help him he didn’t know how he’d stay here for the next two months.

He’d lived in Wales until his mum had passed (something he hadn’t told a single soul, and wasn’t planning on doing so either). Their quaint cottage, in the village that his mother’s family had been for generations, in the Welsh countryside was a place that he had grown at home with - saying goodbye never was his cup of tea, until he was forced to drink that tea in heaping amounts every month or so. From then on, he called a new place home every two months; after he had joined Hogwarts, there was an unrecognised place to return to after every car ride back from King’s Cross.

//

Making his way through the ever-moving crowd, the council estate (God, how did Lyall even manage this, you don’t just rent out a council flat) seemed to fall in front of him. Realising that his flat was on the third story, he found the cement staircase, sighed, and walked up; reaching number 82. Beneath the rugged, woven doormat, the silver key awaited Remus’s grasp. He fished the key out from underneath the mat, shoved it into the lock and twisted left. The door seemed to jolt open, as if it had been awoken from an eternal slumber - the inside was… not the worst that Remus had experienced but fuck it had been better.

Upon first glance as Remus stepped in and looked up, the lightbulb haphazardly hung out of its socket, visibly clutching on by two wires, some sort of black mould growing in the top corner of the hall (though it only had enough space to hold two people) which made him more than uneasy. Stepping out of the hall, he made his way through a shut door into a reception; furnished with two dusty armchairs, a side table only large enough for a copy of the paper, and a television. Thoroughly disappointed, he went over to the room besides where he had just been - his bedroom. He could tell that it was his bedroom by the fact that the door was wide open, revealing that it was nothing but a single bed, without covers, a dingy wardrobe and a side table.

Accepting his fate, he collapsed onto the mattress alongside his case, the lightbulb swayed in the draft filtering in though the open window. The area he was surrounded by for the following two months wasn’t anything special, from what he’d seen. Deciding that he should probably kill time before Lyall arrived back, he decided to go on a walk to ‘clear his mind’ (Lily insisted on the importance of fresh air, and he had no other aid for his unfortunate circumstance), and get used to the area; Remus fished out a fiver from his track jacket, and slammed the door shut behind him.

//

“Oi!” Remus heard far too close to him; he whipped his head around, facing the disembodied voice that had disrupted his previously undisturbed train of (over)thinking. Shaggy honey hair, brushing ever so slightly over blue eyes, though not blue like the sky - blue like ice - defined cheekbones casting shadows under the dull light of the English sun.

“Haven’t seen you round,” he punctuated with a tilt of the head, “not from round here?”.
“Hm, nah just moved,” Remus replied, unsure as to why he had told the truth - he doesn’t know this boy, could be a proper nutter for all he knows. Somehow sensing Remus’s thoughts regarding himself, the boy’s lips turned into a coy smirk, somewhat like Sirius’s.

He looked older, only around seventeen, or eighteen though - in his calloused fingers he twiddled a fag, ash falling onto the pavement. Just then, he brought it to his parted lips, took a drag and raised his eyebrows, “You tried?”, brows cocking towards the cigarette now held between them. “Nah, you mind?” he reached his fingers out in the space between them that had shrunk since their conversation had begun. Watched by the other boy’s gaze, Remus brought the tab to his pink and chapped lips, inhaling the smoke. Transforming the space between them into a foggy distance, he exhaled and returned the fag back to broad fingers. “Natural mate,” he quirked a smile, and began walking away from him in the other direction, and with no explicit farewell, he assumed that he wanted him to follow; he joined alongside him.

“Could tell you weren’t from round here with the Welsh accent,” the boy spoke, not snarkily, more like an observation. Remus had made it a point to speak more ‘posh’ when ‘home’, though due to the shock of even interacting with someone, it had slipped his mind. “Yeah, ma’s Welsh, grew up there,” Remus replied, deciding that it’d be fine if he told the truth, Remus wouldn’t stick around anyways. “Care to join for a pint?” the boy had stopped in front of a dingy, half-lit pub, his hands in his jacket pockets, rocking on his heels. Remus made a sound of approval and pushed the creaking door open (almost off its hinges).

//

“I jus’ move it from place to place, nick a bit off the top - they never find out,” he explained, hands resting over his empty pint glass as his fingers twiddled with a fag. Elijah, as Remus had come to find out, was seventeen, living alone in Hackney - his father had left when he was four, died two months later. His mother had left him with her brother when Eli was eight. He left his brother when he was sixteen and had stayed with an older friend. This friend, three years his senior, had grown up in a house led by drugs, rather than family. This rubbed off onto Eli who moved product, but had to leave his mate because of some business. He lived alone now, just down the street.

Remus had divulged into his life, leaving out specific parts here and there - yet not lying a single time - over the course of the four pints, five fags and fits of manic laughter between them.

//

“This is me,” the husky voice disrupted the quiet whistling of the streets. Street lamps lining the way, Eli nodded his head towards a small block of flats, around three minutes from where Lyall Lupin would be waiting. Sensing his sudden discomfort, Eli quipped up, “Wanna stay the night, not much but better than your old man I’m guessing.” He’d grown to like the boy despite knowing him for only a couple of hours, and far too tired for formalities, he nodded and followed the taller (though only when Remus’s head was down) boy’s path.

Due to the same layout as Lyall’s flat, he understood that they were going to his bedroom. Posters hung on every inch of wallpaper, windows to a brick wall, the windowsill holding an ashtray, clearly used regularly, and various other knick-knacks. They, instantaneously, both collapsed onto the mattress, Elijah leaning over to grab a pre-rolled spliff - “Let’s see if you’re a natural with the grass Lu”, icy blue eyes widened at him, crinkles forming around them as the boy’s lips curved into a lop-sided grin.

//

“How the fuck hadn’t I done this sooner,” the smoke filled his chest, his body feeling weightless - as if he were in water - the draft from the open window rustling his hair. “Mhmm, maybe I was- I’m like a- what are they called- an angel or summit, that met you just to get you to smoke weed. Maybe this was my life goal, or yours. Fuck, what time is it,” Remus snapped out of his daze, glancing at his wristwatch, 2:02, well fuck, Lyall’s in for a fun time this summer.

//

“Have you any idea of the worry I had boy!” Well that was obviously a lie. “Six in the bloody in the morning, smelling of beer and smoke no less? Really? Hope would’ve been disappointed,” The sentence punctuated with a cold palm on a trembling cheek - he wasn’t scared of him, he just couldn’t stand her name in his mouth.

“Speak then boy.”

“Sorry sir,” the monotonous voice escaped him, as if it were programmed to reply. He wasn’t sorry, far from it, but he couldn’t do much against Lyall. A decorated member of the Ministry of Magic, or a teenage, currently crossfaded, werewolf - the answer was obvious. His feet dragged him to his bedroom, bleak and drab. A summer of this wasn’t anything he couldn’t make into a good one.

Chapter Text

People try to put us d-down

Just because we g-g-get around

Things they do look awful c-c-cold

Yeah, I hope I die before I get old

This is my generation

This is my generation, baby

30th August 1975

“Remind me Lu, when is it you’re going back to that posho place,” a question inappropriate for the time, he knew. His lungs couldn’t get enough air in, blood rising like smoke to his cheeks, his head pounding yet the adrenaline pushed him further. Elijah wasn’t a good influence - far from it - but fuck, he knew how to have fun. Only around twenty quid of stuff between them this time, but no doubt the figures had easily racked up to triple digits since the start of the summer.

“Two days, on the first. Why, you worried you’ll miss me?” he teased through ragged breaths. “Don’t gas yourself, ‘course I’d miss my partner in crime. Just wanted to see you at the station. ‘fore you leave.” Over the course of the six weeks passed, Remus had done things that he wasn't necessarily ashamed of, but was definitely surprised of. His criminal record would’ve been hefty by now if it hadn’t been for Lyall’s influence, even in the muggle world. They both came to a stop in an alley once they had realised that the stout shopkeeper had given up - he’d put up more of a fight than his appearance would suggest. Leaning against a brick wall, catching their breath, Eli brought out his wallet, and raised an eyebrow, “Pint?”

//

The pair had grown bored quickly once they’d realised that there was nothing other than some divorced yobs in the pub - a chance of some fun, a lost glimmer of hope. “You’d gimme a call, wouldn’t ‘cha?” the strong voice broke the silence of the alleyway, Remus raised an eyebrow in confusion. “When you go back to the posho school, you’d gimme a call, yeah?” His voice reflected a level of sadness - Remus had caught onto the fact that Elijah was nothing but a sad drunk - his boyish charm and devilish grin wouldn’t show it, but three pints and a couple of shots would.

“‘Course I would.”

“God, look over there,” in his drunken stupor, a flashing neon sign ‘Tattoo Parlour & Piercings’ caught his dazed eyes.

“What?” Elijah hadn’t realised what he was on about, and taken over by drunk adrenaline, he grabbed the boy’s wrist and dragged him there.

A bell rang, and some rock song blared through the air - reeking of smoke and whiskey.

'Round and 'round and 'round we go

Roll this joint, gonna get down low

The needle poked seamlessly through his skin, the sting of pain gone before it had even begun.

Rip this joint, gonna get down low

Start my starter, going to stop the show

“You look so fucking hot right now Lu,” the other boy had abandoned his shirt, favouring his white tank top, his heavy fingers tracing across Remus’s skin.

Flip flop, fit to drop

Come on baby, won't you let it rock?

The ink marked his collarbone, behind his ear and on his hip - all the designs and placements courtesy of Eli’s inebriated genius. Despite the lighting of vivid colours distorting his already wavering vision, he could make out what he had been marked with.

A moon, in the waxing crescent, behind his ear.

Two stars - “Look, it’s us”, Elijah said, pointing to them, a star for each of them, grinning. - besides a rugged scar on his collarbone. "I got 'em too mate, we look fucking sick," he blurted, pulling aside the white cotton to show the same tattoo reflected on the boy's tanned skin.

A skull, with two sharp canine teeth on his hip.

//

Sore skin and serious cottonmouth, Remus dragged his lifeless body out of the single bed. He hobbled into the tiny bathroom, and wiped off the condensation settling onto the mirror - well fuck, lucky Lyall.

The night had been full of drunken regrets and soppy comments that had somehow led to a tattoo and a pierced right ear. The repulsiveness and recklessness had been at the cost of a sober Remus dealing with a, more than stern, Lyall Lupin. One more day, closer to sixteen hours left with Eli, Remus told himself - he wasn’t about to make his first trip to the Lupin flat in four weeks any sooner than it absolutely had to be.

//

1st September 1975

Sporting a bruised rib, Remus was all but kicked out of the sleek vehicle - earlier than anybody else, leaving him posted up against the brick walls of King’s Cross Station. He had his case, the same as last year, moreover some new additions. A couple of packs of Embassies (courtesy their trip to the corner shop, leaving with the same amount of change in their pockets as they had entered with), enough to last him up until Christmas, a strip of photos from a photo booth of him and Elijah, taken the night of his drunken mistakes, a prefect badge, due to his ‘upstanding behaviour, excelling those of his peers’ (compliments courtesy of Professor McGonagall, much to the pleasure of Lyall) and a Bowie record - ”You said you liked it, and well I really am the prettiest star in your sky, aren’t I Lu?” His lips curled into his smirk as the sentence grew up, ending in him tackling Remus to the ground and a fit of laughter erupting through them both.

“Thinkin’ o’ me, are ya?” A scene reminiscent of his first day in Hackney - he looked up through his longer, tawny curls to see exactly the boy he wanted to. Despite having seen him, just two hours prior, since they hadn’t spent longer than 20 minutes apart in a month, seeing his face was a relief. The smirk he’d come to love absorbed his attention, as the boy’s strong arms grabbed him, pulling him into a hug. “Don’t miss me too much, yeah?”

“‘Course not, pumpkin,” he teased back, as he pulled away wanting to see his face a little longer. “Got a present for ya,” his rough voice followed his hands, his fingers reaching towards his back pocket. “Already got me the record Eli, we both know money ain’t summit you’re good for,” he’d adopted the boy’s vocabulary over the summer, sounding more and more like a boy from a rougher place than a boarding school.

A silver lighter glimmered in the autumn sun, scratches adorning the curved edges, and an engraving on the bottom - ‘R.J.L’. He flipped the lighter over in his grasp, another engraving made itself apparent - a heart with ‘E + R’ inside of it. From his strong hand, Elijah passed it into Remus’s fingers, nimble yet bearing the unexpected weight of the light. “Well fuck me Eli, you coming to boarding school as well?” He looked into icy blue eyes, teasing the smirking boy, “Jus’ summit special for my Lu,” he winked instantly after, leading the boys wheezing at each other’s feet. He continued to explain how it honestly wasn’t much trouble to come by and that he had a mate who did engravings for some cash on the side. He handed over a pack of Player No.6’s and slapped Remus's arm.

“Hey! Remus, the train's getting full now, hurry up!” He heard James’s distant voice alongside Sirius’s frame from beside the train. Time seemed to have slipped by as he suddenly realised that the platform was packed with families, drivers, and children waving their parents off. He could somewhat make out Sirius’s expression, he was glowering at Eli.

“Seems time for me to be off then? I’d better see youse again Lu, can’t live without you,” Elijah said in a teasing tone, yet they both knew that it was at least kind of true for the both of them. Remus didn’t know how he’d manage the next three months or so with nothing but a phone call between them; they’d grown incredibly close over the two months they had had together, and Remus, so badly, wanted to return to Hackney next time around. “Lemme give you summit,” Elijah said, sensing that Remus wouldn’t reply any time soon.

In a series of movements too quick to catch up to, Remus’s case ended up on the floor, he ended up against the wall and Elijah towering above him, though not before he checked who was around - “Love you really Lu, better see you soon,” and with a kiss on his lips, he left Remus behind. He momentarily turned and saluted the boy left there in awe and turned the corner. The boy was left to be nothing but a memory (and four photos from a photobooth).

Chapter Text

Linger on your pale blue eyes

It was good what we did yesterday

And I'd do it once again

The fact that you are married

Only proves you're my best friend

But it's truly, truly a sin

1st September 1975

“So, who was ‘blue eyes’ then?” James’ face greeted him the second he had left the bathroom. James had grown, clearly a couple inches, his face introduced sharper lines - overall making the boy more of a man. Despite this, he still carried the same boyish character and goofy smile that eased Remus the second he entered the train carriage.

“Jus’ a mate, what’s it to you Potter? Butthurt Lily hasn’t spared you a glance yet?” he retorted, teasing of course, but it held gravity - James hadn’t let the topic of the elusive ‘blue eyes’ go for hours at this point. Nothing had changed about the rest of the boys, not excessively. Peter had stayed the same boy as he was before the summer, but he had noticeably grown and slimmed down - his hair transformed from the ash blond hair he had previously adorned to a dirtier blond, looks a bit like Eli’s.

He had grown better looking, it had been a long time coming. But Sirius; his fair skin and regal structure had been something that he was blessed with since birth, he had always looked older than he was and it worked greatly in his favour. The only physical changes to Black was his raven black hair had grown longer, below his ears - his eyes had become far more piercing, if that was even possible, and he just looked slightly matured. However, the moment that Remus had stepped into the carriage, that had seemed impossibly smaller than the year previous, he was different.

//

“Only took you twenty minutes,” Peter moaned, seeming drained in every aspect of the word. He was sitting against the side of the carriage window, facing the door, his knees drawn up to his chest as he fiddled with a piece of parchment that was supposed to be used for summer reading and homework, though it looked awfully empty. “Could’ve sworn you weren’t even coming back at that rate! C’mon tell us about that guy you were with then- oh Merlin, can I call him blue-eyes cos of the blue eyes” James motioned for Remus, as he giggled to himself at his poor attempt at comedy (he'd be a great dad with the amount of shitty dad jokes up his sleeve), to sit opposite him, besides Peter. James was slouched in the seat, throwing a golden snitch into the air, and again, and again, and again. “Not much to tell, jus’ a mate”, Remus replied as he shoved his case into the crowded over-head compartment. Sirius was sitting besides James, head leaning on the wall - he turned to look at Remus and- well Remus didn’t really know what had happened following that.

Grey eyes latched onto the boy, as if he were prey, looking up and down, taking in every single detail. His eyes eventually, after what had felt like a lifetime and then some, fell onto his piercing, the gold ring in his right ear. His eyes seemed unwilling to drag themselves down to- and that was it. Despite the entire interaction, even though it was very one-sided, holding a strange and bewildering gravity, this is what got Remus. The stars on his collarbone were what got him, his mouth fell open, though only slightly, and his eyes widened, until he had seemingly realised that he was gawking, very obviously. His mouth shut, his eyes fell stony and he turned to look out the window, the tinge of pink erased. Remus didn’t care to question it; to be fair a piercing and a tattoo is quite a feat regarding a fifteen year old boy in Hogwarts. He let it be and slouched into the seat besides Peter, accepting a chocolate frog in the process.

They fell into conversation regarding their summers - the stupid stuff they did, and the reading and homework that no one did (not even Remus, to everyone’s disbelief). Sirius didn’t say a word, other than to say his ‘holiday was as good as the Black’s could make it’, a grin settling on his lips until he, once again, glanced at Remus and all of a sudden any trace of emotion departed his body.

//

Remus extended his legs on his bed, it seemed so much smaller this year. His fingers reached for one of the muggle books that he’d arranged on his windowsill - the outings with Eli had ranged from a variety of stores, and once Remus’s enjoyment for reading had become part of his knowledge, there’d been a couple of bookstores left disordered in East London.

“REMUS WHAT THE FUCK!” A loud screech of a boy’s voice set off alarms in Remus’s body. “You got a fucking tattoo, and you didn’t fucking tell us?” James’ face entered his view, he looks a bit like an owl from this angle. “Uh- yeah I mean, I guess,” Remus settled the book on his pillow as he began to pull his body up by his arms, lying down didn’t seem appropriate for the conversation following. He brought his hand to his hair, a mop of tawny waves, and ran his hands through it.

“Remus. What the fuck,“ James’ had clearly abandoned the previous topic, as his eyes latched onto the piercing. “ ‘I guess’ you little shit, you got your ear pierced, and a shitting tattoo and didn’t tell us! Whatever happened to the code of conduct amongst us Marauders’? Whatever happened between brotherly camaraderie Remus?!?” Where the fuck is Peter, or even Sirius? I can’t deal with the reincarnation of my bleeding mother right now.

As the work of witchcraft or some divine deity - fitting for the fact that he was in a magical castle of all places, he really had forgotten that he was magic to be fair, he hadn’t been exposed to it all of summer, other than the full - Peter and Sirius entered the room together, after being in the common room with the girls. Instantly, James whipped his body around to face the pair, and began on his rampage.

//

After hours - in reality only about fifteen minutes - of ‘You haven’t got illegitimate children or something, have you?’ and ‘Remus why didn’t you tell us, you look so cool and now we look like a bunch of ponces!’ (though the other boys had, too, echoed that belief), and the occasional tear from James, overreacting as to how ‘the brotherhood is crippling’. The boys (James) had eventually gotten over the new additions to Remus’ appearance. Sirius hadn't yet said a word regarding the tattoo nor the piercing, he had seemed the only observant one in the conversation other than Remus - they also never spoke of what happened on the train, and seemed happy to leave it at that. They each began unpacking - only really Remus though - and chatting at random about the summer and the year ahead of them.

They'd each, eventually, grown exhausted and retired to the floor.

“It’s so cool,” Sirius had fallen entranced by the two additions to the scarred boy’s body. He fiddled with the golden ring with his steady fingers as he lay besides Remus, perched up on his forearms, until- “Remus what the fuck,” though this time, the expletive being voiced from Sirius, and a much more curious tone was adopted, opposed to the shock from James. “Full of surprises, aren’t you just Lupin?” His devilish grin grew as he pulled Remus’ hair back and showed the boys - it was, yet another, tattoo.

Growing tired of the nattering of James’s voice, he settled on showing the boys the last one, lest they discover it in some other unfortunate circumstance and erupt into another 20 minute lecture.

His fingers drew up the rich fabric of some Oxford shirt that Lyall had insisted on wearing to ’maintain the Lupin reputation’. An eruption of gasps and awes came from the room, making it sound more like a baby shower rather than a dorm of four teenage boys. “You, just simply, are the fucking coolest Marauder, Lupin,” Sirius blurted instantly, his eyes widened and his cheeks tinged red, his opulence apparent in his words. The boys, sure as fuck, had some questions.

“Yeah, got them the same night,”

“Mhm, yeah the night before school,”

“Ye- Yes they’re perfectly safe James, I won’t wake up blue and poisoned tomorrow, don’t you worry!“

//

“So, you gonna tell us who your mate was then?” The conversation was on route to divulge into Remus’s summer, until his insistence that it was all just a ‘one-time bout of rebelliousness’ had won over. James hadn’t let go of the topic of Eli yet, he thought it unfair that each of them had given accounts of their summer’s down to each and every second, whilst Remus had only revealed his ink due to James’s determination and nagging.

Remus thought that he might as well. He had everything hidden from the boys. His family, his family, Lyall, the fact that he was a werewolf was also a secret until the boys had figured it out themselves. Remus was private, very private - even if you thought you knew him, you didn’t really, and nobody, and he meant it when he said, nobody really knows him. He doesn’t know why he keeps it all a secret - it isn’t in fear of being judged, or being thought of as lesser than. He felt safer keeping it all to himself: his family, his thoughts, his feelings, everything going around in that library that is his mind.

Reluctantly, Remus explained how the whole thing happened - leaving out any detail regarding Lyall, the moving around, the drugs and drinking, the shoplifting and the kiss. Leaving out these details helped to condense the seven weeks into seven minutes, each boy attentive to every word he said - he rarely spoke of his own life to them, so they took in each word as if it were scripture. He, much to his embarrassment, explained how he had been allocated Prefect for the next two years, alongside the apple of James’s eye, Lily Evans.

“You are the luckiest and coolest fucker I know Lupin, but - so Merlin help me - if you ruin my chances with Evans, you’ll be deader than that ink will leave you tomorrow morning.”

Chapter Text

Wise men say

Only fools, only fools rush in

Oh, but I, but I

I can't help falling in love with you

1st September 1975

The summer had passed in what felt like a breath - he didn’t remember much. Summer at the Grimmauld Place were often the same; dinners with aristocratic and political figures, piano recitals, tutoring from the early hours of the day until he could barely keep his eyes open. This summer had passed just the same as he’d thought it would. His parents had cursed him only a couple of times, which seemed like a victory in his opinion. They had grown stricter, if that was even a possibility, and he could barely stand up without being reprimanded. He spoke to Regulus seldom in front of his parents, their relationship existed in the hours in which the house was barren from scolding and curses - only the latest hours of the day. Though unwilling to dwell on the uneventful weeks passed, Sirius picked at his fingers and stared out of the tinted windows at the streets of London.

A manicured, yet sinister hand swatted at his fingers, “I told you to stop it boy, can’t you behave for a few more moments,” his mother’s refined voice sharp in his ears. “Sorry, mother,” a feeble voice escaped him, and they passed the rest of the car ride in painful silence.

//

“SIRIUS, HEY SIRIUS!” A voice fraught with glee caught his attention, though it would be difficult not to pay attention as everybody in the surrounding area was staring at the boy causing the scene. Once he had realised that it was James, the glare left his face and it was quickly replaced with an expression of joy as he ran up to him. Catching him in a tight hug the boy asked, “Missed you mate, how’ve you been?” James was alone, surprising as usually Mr. and Mrs. Potter would remain firmly by their son’s side until he was dragged away from them by the other boys. Pulling away from James, he picked his case back up, “Hm good, good, I should be asking you! How was Spain?”

They continued chatting, until somebody caught James’ eye- “HEY, HEY REMUS! Oh-”

Besides Remus stood a boy, around 5’10, seeming around two inches shorter than Remus. Eyes like ice and hair crowded around his forehead, slight stubble on his upper lip. He looked a bit older, and far too interested in Remus. For Merlin’s sake, he looked like he was in love with him or some stupid shit like that. Sirius felt stuck in time, who was that boy? How did he know Remus? How long had they been friends? Were they more than friends? Wai- Is Remus even gay? Shit, why do I care, I’m not gay. Fuck, am I gay?

No, shit, what, fuck.

Remus could have friends outside of Hogwarts, it was inevitable and Sirius had to deal with it. Though it was hard when they looked like that at each other..

//

Head against the wall, he began counting the specks of colour on the ceiling. Remus was taking forever, and Sirius had grown tired. He wondered what the specks even were, he was up to 47 and began to worry as to what happened in this carriage when they weren’t in it. Just then, as if he had manifested it into existence, Remus finally arrived. He could tell this by the fact that James and Peter immediately gained lost energy and began talking like their lives depended on it, you know what, maybe I am supposed to be a Slytherin because, Merlin, Gryffindors are pissing me off right now. As he heard Remus place his case away, he snuck a glance - Merlin he hadn’t really seen the boy, not properly, in over two months and he was growing impatient, beauty deserves an audience, and Remus was well fit. Turning his head, he took in the sight of the boy and- well fuck, Sirius didn’t really know what had happened to him following that.

Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuckk.

How did he get fitter, this truly is not fair. Well, it is fair because I must be blessed to see this, everyday for the next year. Over the 2 months, Remus had changed- no, changed wasn’t the appropriate word for this marvel. Remus had metamorphosised like a fucking butterfly from a cocoon. Though that would imply that he was ugly prior to that, and that was far from the truth. He had grown a couple inches, the werewolf thing worked wonders for growth, clearly. His brownish curls had grown into a sort of mullet- fuck it looked good on him, and Merlin, he got his ear pierced, that’s fucking hot. He’d gained a silvery scar that dragged its way across his neck, into his jaw- I bet it’d be nice to kiss it. No, not gay. He wore an Oxford shirt, the top button undone, the bottom of it half tucked into black trousers, wearing his favourite wingtip boots. He remembered the conversation they’d had about them when Remus had bought them.

“Don’t they look cool, I think they do- well no you’re a swot so you have like fifty of these, but fuck aren’t these majesti- yes you’re majestic too Sirius, but the fucking boots lad.”

The undone button served as a graceful window to his collarbone, and Merlin, fuck that’s a tattoo. Two stars, well fuck that’s cute, wait didn’t that skint kid he was with earlier have that, oh that little shi-

Shit.

Have I been staring this whole fucking time?

Shutting his mouth and turning his head, he mentally went through various ways to save himself from embarrassment ranging from: drowning himself in the Black Lake, stabbing everyone in the carriage, leaving the train and getting run over, really anything that would end it. He decided it best to ignore Remus for the rest of the train ride, and ignore the entire event.

Chapter Text

You know that I would be a liar

If I was to say to you

Girl, we couldn't get much higher

Come on, baby, light my fire

Come on, baby, light my fire

Try to set the night on fire

22th September 1975

Prefect duties had appeared like menial tasks, but Merlin they took some time. He had an hour of patrolling before bed, and he was knackered, the full was only two days prior. Only two halls left until he could retire to the Prefects’ bathrooms, smoke a fag and return to the dorms. He’d lost Lily about ten minutes ago, though he had zoned out when she was explaining where she was going - he figured she’d be safe and he carried on patrolling alone.

“Loops, haven’t seen you in a bit,” a voice spoke from behind him, though it did nothing but ease his nerves. Rosier. He hadn’t seen the boy since before summer, most likely since he was busy all of the time since the term had started. “Missed me?” He turned around, smirking at the boy. He looked the same, not a bad thing if you looked like that in the first place - though this time, he was accompanied by a taller boy, still shorter than Remus, but tall, who he had been waiting to see. Barty Crouch Jr.

Regardless of the unfortunate name, the boy was a spectacle. He held a dignified air, defined cheekbones, olive skin and cold, whiskey-coloured eyes. They locked onto him immediately, Remus felt like he couldn’t move. His dark brown hair spiked into all directions, though it looked purposeful on him, downright sinful. Barty was something akin to a Greek God, he acted and looked as prestigious as he was. He truly was something.

“Glad to meet you Lupin, bet you could spare us a few moments, just some fun? Heard you’re good for it.” His rich voice made everything else silent, it seemed. Remus debated it, glanced at his watch, then returned his eyes to the pair - he wouldn’t mind spending some time with them.

“I’ll take you up on that, just a few,” a smirk playing on his lips, he began walking to the prefects bathroom, motioning for them to join him - and fuck, they did.

//

“Never took you for the tatted type Loops,” Evan’s voice spoke from besides Barty, as the pair eagerly touched and glanced at the tattoo on Remus’ hip. Barty’s controlled fingers traced the ink, teasingly dipping his fingertips under the boy’s belt. “Only got ‘em this summer, pissed off my head, didn’t even know I had gotten ‘em until the morning.” He accepted the fag proposed to him from Evan’s fingers, grateful it wasn’t from his own dwindling supply, took a long drag and exhaled out the window, a chilling draft blowing past.

The three got along exceptionally well, they shared the same humour and had stories to share for what seemed like days on end. After another fag, or two, Remus deemed it time to retire to his dorm. Bidding farewell to the pair, receiving a desperate kiss from Barty’s tobacco-tasting lips, they left the bathrooms and split into their separate ways.

//

5th October 1975

“Tell them, Remus, isn't it genius?”

“Hm, what Sirius?” He had no fucking clue what he was on about. Elijah had failed to mention the amount of weed he had stuffed in that pack of cigarettes that he had given him prior to boarding the train. Having a knack for diy, Eli had rolled some pres for Remus, and he rolled the best fags that Remus had had over the summer. After a particularly tiring Ancient Runes class, a stressful three hours in the library, a nagging from Lily about how ‘you could never be too ready for the O.W.L.S’, and a patrol across the castle, Remus needed to blow off some steam - and if that happened in the form of his first spliff in a month and the second best high of his life, so be it.

//

He’d made a hasty escape from Lily’s rambling during prefect duties about how much studying she had left for the day - Remus understood the pressure of academic success as much as anybody, but O.W.L.S were in fucking ages, and he had half a brain to not burn himself out so early - he found himself in the dungeons. It had been an accident, truly, he hadn’t meant to stumble upon the audacious pair so soon, but it felt like divine intervention.

They’d invited him to their dorm - “See, Reggie’s out in the astronomy tower - don’t tell him I told you, the Blacks are scary, you must get it - anyways, yeah he’s out with Pandora and Dorcas is in her dorm, so you might as well Loops, you’re our favourite after all,” his charming smile beaming at him, he decided to follow, he didn’t have anything pressing to attend to anyways.

After some ‘fun’ (it confused Remus as to why he enjoyed it to the extent that he did, it resulted in many crisis’ over Barty’s handy flask of firewhiskey, a couple of tears and a lot of cigarettes), they sat around the palatial dorm room, its emerald embellishments starkly contrasting to the comforting furnishings of Gryffindor Tower. “You got any fags Loops?” Nodding, he slipped his fingers into his robe’s pocket, having abandoned it on Barty’s bed. “Shitting fuck Eli,” he whispered to himself, a grin took over his face. “Hm, what was that darling?”

“N’thin, just got some spliffs if you fancy.”

“Do I ever Lupin, might have to marry you, fucking saviour.”

//

After about an hour, or two, or maybe only twenty minutes, a spliff or two or three, and a flask of whiskey, Remus decided he should return to his dorm. Evan and Barty were reluctant to let him go, though as soon as they realised that Regulus would be returning soon, they said their goodbyes and hurriedly let him out.

Roaming the Hogwarts’ hallways whilst wholly too inebriated should be considered a sport, I’d like to see James have a crack at this, he thought as he stumbled through the entrance to the common room. It was entirely too late and awfully silent - this seemed to humour Remus, who erupted into laughter whilst navigating his way into his dorm.

“Isn’t it ju- Remus where’ve you been mate, it’s twenty past ten,” he stumbled past the boys and fell onto his bed, each of them examining him with curious eyes. Mumbling through the duvet, “Prefect stuff, sorry, ‘m well tired.”

“Mhm, okay well listen to this Remus,” he responded by giggling into his bed, and throwing a thumbs up, in the direction of where he thinks Sirius is. After about 5 minutes of consistent rambling regarding some map, Hogwarts’ grounds and how ‘Remus, you are the smartest of all of us. You could really help us here’, Sirius finally took a breath.

//

“Remus, I’ve just explained the whole thing, we should do it and we need your help. We’ll start tomorrow and it’ll only take like a week!” His voice overflowing with anticipation of the plan, Remus had to look up at the boy, who he didn’t doubt was bashfully grinning - and he wasn’t wrong. Something about Sirius’ smile encapsulated everything possible, his smirk was something else entirely, that was charming in it’s own right, but fuck, his smile.

The way his eyes crinkled, his lips stretched and the apples of his cheeks rose - the crimson tinge across his cheekbones, dimples making the boy so much more - he didn’t know what, but he loved it.

“Sounds like a plan,” he didn’t know what he had just agreed to, yet he doubted it would be something that he’d regret if he could see that smile whenever he wanted to. “I love you Lupin, you are my saviour, my god, my everything,” the end of the list punctuated with a teasing glare from James that Sirius went stony at. “Fuck off James, jus’ cos you can’t get laid,” and at the James pounced.

Mhm, wonder what that was about.

Chapter Text

Will you stay in our lover's story?

If you stay, you won't be sorry

'Cause we believe in you

Soon you'll grow, so take a chance

With a couple of Kooks

Hung up on romancing

31st October 1975

Some may call Remus Lupin boring, sensible, a prude even. It didn’t matter to Remus because he knew that he was just being reasonable - and Gods, he wasn’t a prude. He couldn’t do parties. Just the mention of parties made Remus’ blood boil, okay, blood boiling may have been exaggerative, but God they annoyed him.

The noise, the crowds, the music, the drink, the mess - just everything, it was a sensory nightmare and being, what some would refer to him as, a pensioner in a teenage boy’s body, he despised it. Unfortunately enough for him, as luck would have it, he was roomed with three boys who had to be at, or host, at least one party a month or - “My years of youth wasted Remus, just gone! I haven't been blessed with such glorious good looks, or my marvellous personality just for me to not have a party! Rem, you are despicable.”

Being the complete pushover that he was, Remus never denied their pleading to have a party whenever they pleased - but God would have to strike him down before he would stay at one for longer than an hour. But this fell apart during one party, one stupid Halloween party.

//

“Merlin, isn’t it wicked,” and, even Remus had to agree, it really was something. Carved pumpkins, had been enchanted to hover above the heads’ of the Hogwarts’ student body, much like the candles that usually lit up the Scottish night sky. Fortunately, Halloween had fallen on a Friday this year, and this only made their new guest to the party even more welcome.

Firewhiskey.

Now the boys had dabbled in their fair share of alcohol over the years at Hogwarts, and each party that they’d attended. None of them had gotten shit-faced (bar Remus, though nobody really knew about his blossoming relationship with the psychoactive substance), only a drink or two, and they had declared this party to be the best one yet.

//

30th October 1975

“BOYS, MARAUDERS’ MEETING NOW!!!” James’ thunderous voice could definitely be heard by the entirety of Gryffindor Tower. Within the following minute, all four boys had assembled themselves on James’ bed.

“Now, seen as we are mature, grown-up men now,” fifteen was not mature, nor grown-up, Remus noted, “I see it fit for us to introduce a new weapon into our arsenal.” God, James could make a rat sound like a murderer. “James, what the fuck are you on about,” Peter mumbled, still engrossed in a textbook, notably on a topic that they’d finished learning in Third Year.

“Gentlemen, the weapon I’m referring to is firewhiskey,” he punctuated with a clap on the back of the two boys on either side of him, Sirius and Peter. ”Oh, fuck didn’t need to assault me, we get your point.”

“Where’d you even get it from though, not like we can go to Hogsmeade and pick some up.”

This question instantly instilled James with an expression of apprehension, “See, erm- well- yes, exactly, that’s what I need some assistance on!” Peter huffed, abandoning his textbook and he tossed it over to his bed, failing in the process, leaving it neglected and creased in the middle of the dorm. “I dunno who’d I’d even ask, sorry mate,” Peter explained regretfully.

“Yeah me neither James, I mea-,”

“I could get some, how many bottles d’ you need?” Remus spoke out of habit, completely failing to remember that none of the boys were up-to date with his advances in that aspect of ‘teenage lunacy’ (as Lyall had, so lovingly, coined it).

Faces painted with disconcertion, the three boys were bewildered with firstly, the statement, where the hell would Prefect Remus Lupin obtain firewhiskey, and the other his confidence in getting it - maybe he did have an illegitimate child as well, fucking tight-lipped bastard.

Being the only one ‘brave’ enough to break the silence, James countered, “Like five, six- make that ten, to be safe. You sure it wouldn’t be too much trouble? Who’d you even get it from,” at that, he received a displeased glare from Sirius, “for future conquests obviously!”

“Jus’ a mate,” seemed like that had been his new motto, “I can do that by tomorrow, leave it to me,” and with a clap on the back, Remus left the dorm.

“So are we gonna talk about that, or like what?”

//

Brimming with anxiety, Remus brought his slightly shaking hands to the door.

Knock. Knock. Pause. Knock.

And before he could even see the face of the one who had opened the door, he was being pulled into the dorm with a tight grip, and pummelled onto the bed.

“Fucks’ sake Lupin, thought you were someone else,” the tight grip had belonged to Barty - Evan was lying in his own bed, reading a muggle book. Hm, Slytherins bewildered him. Wait why would he want to throw somebody onto his bed, who did Barty think I w-

Dragged out of his thoughts by Barty’s more than wonderful hands, getting dangerously close to his fly - he’d somehow already begun on Remus’s neck. “Bar- Barty please, not now,” he pushed the words beyond his mouth reluctantly, he was in dire need of some rest, relaxation and fun.

Pulling back instantly, Barty went over to Evan’s bed and sat beside him, “No problem Loops, my bad,” as he gave a two-finger salute. “What do you need?” The boy who had previously been reading, was now studying Remus’s figure.

“So, you know the firewhiskey you’ve always got,” to which he received two obedient nods, “Well, I’m in need for a party, just wanted to know how you got it?”

“Oh that’s alright, Xeno in Ravenclaw. We’ll come with, you’ll be received well,” he punctuated the sentence with a wink, and Remus complied.

//

Having entered the Ravenclaw tower with ease, Evan recited the answer to the enigmatic puzzle almost instantly. After what had seemed like several flights of the spiral staircase, they had paused at a room. They were positioned as though Barty and Evan were guarding the dorm, and Remus would be lying if he said that he wasn’t slightly intimidated.

“Okay, base rules,” Evan’s steady voice and gentle hand on Remus’s wrist soothed him. Barty leaned against the cobbled wall, commenting “Don’t call him Xeno, he doesn’t like it. Just refer to him as ‘him’, an-,”

“Oo, and don’t ask any questions, just go along with what he says.” Evan imparted. “‘That’s about it, leave the rest to us - might even get some goodies!” Barty and James often bore striking resemblance to one another, and that statement solidified the theory in Remus’s mind. Feeling thoroughly prepared, he signalled for Evan to go ahead and knock the door.

In an instant, the door flew open, as if it had been kicked in and the dorm was something other-worldly.

Engulfed in absolute ebony, you couldn’t make out much in the room - the ceiling had been enchanted to appear like the night sky, though much fuller of stars and constellations, some planets visible in the distance too. Beads of various crystals draped in replacement of curtains on the beds, and jars of glowing crystals adorning almost every surface. The wardrobes were of a deep-chestnut colour, the mirrors being anything but what they were made for - rather displaying an entrance to some sort of cave. Where the ever-living-fuck am I?

The ground, too, was black, however upon them settled rugs of striking pigments - rich purples, blues, reds - draped over the steps, so as to not eat-shit, Remus decided.

Suddenly, a boy, though he looked around 25, appeared in the centre of the dorm. Just shorter than Remus, his blonde hair held striking resemblance to that of Evan’s, though Xeno’s (he assumed that was him) was about his shoulders. He had a handsome face, though his body held a whimsical air about it - he bore his steely eyes into Remus’s skull.

“Hullo, Bartemius, Evan,” as he addressed each of the boys, he put a hand out on each of their shoulders. As if it were a ritual, he brought both hands back to his person, before shooting them out onto Remus’s shoulders - he felt himself jolt back at the sudden contact.

“Unpleasant that I haven’t made your acquaintance before Remus Lupin,” how the fuck did he know my name,”I trust my contacts have only told you good things!” He punctuated with a clap.

“Mhm- yeah, good- only good.” Remus mumbled, loud enough to be audible, though the entire interaction had made him anything but confident.

“What is it you need, new friend?”

Looking from left to right, to grasp Evan and Bartys’ expressions, pointedly zeroing in on the comfort that the heavy hand on the small of his back brought him, he understood that it was time for him to speak. “Firewhiskey, around ten bottles if possible?” He spoke as clearly as he could, despite the hesitancy in his voice.

Xeno began humming, seeming deep in thought.

“Well, yes - seen as I haven’t made your fine acquaintance before, and you come bearing my finest friends, I see it fit to treat you to more.” Remus was beyond confused.

“Ten minutes past the eleventh hour, come to the great oak beside the Black Lake.”

He nodded, unsure as to what he should reply with.

“You’ll be amply rewarded.”

Chapter Text

I tell you, life ain't easy for a boy named Sue

But I grew up quick and I grew up mean

My fist got hard and my wits got keener

Roam from town to town to hide my shame

But I made me a vow to the moon and stars

I'd search the honky tonks and bars

And kill that man that gave me that awful name

30th October 1975

And that’s how Remus found himself, at midnight with his ten bottles of whiskey - in addition to five extra bottles, a jar with one of those crystals that he saw in the Ravenclaw dorm, a shit ton of weed and a couple of pills. Well, won’t be needing them, Remus told himself as he shoved the extra ‘gifts’ deep into his case, in absolute darkness, attempting to be silent in regards to his sleeping roommates.

Remus hadn’t ever been a person who slept much - he could barely fall asleep, and once he did, the nightmares began. Nobody knew of his nightmares, just another one of the secrets that he held close to his heart. He believed sleep was just a waste of time; why waste the time, he thought. Hence why he was completely functioning at such a late hour, though the use of the word functioning didn’t really apply - he was itching for a fag. Seen as it was midnight, Remus was a prefect, and his condition of being a werewolf came with the added bonus of the finest hearing, he’d be safe and sound.

//

Allowing the railing to support his body weight, he leaned against it, rocking his heels. He hadn’t smoked much, other than when he was with Barty and Evan since the year had begun and that had probably been the reason for his horrible mood.

Remus enjoyed thinking in times like these, despite the fact that it sounds awfully daft, it was what he did. He always thought of schoolwork, or pranks, or the Marauders’, or just anything that had nothing to do with him - he, himself, was his most dreaded topic of conversation. It helped him to sort out his head to think when he was in this state, completely alone and sure to stay undisturbed.

Something that he’d been pushing away was whatever the fun he’d been having was, and more specifically why he fucking liked it.

Remus knew he wasn’t like that. Statistically speaking, queers weren’t too well populated, and neither were werewolves. Both segregated groups, he doubted that he could, realistically, fall into both categories. This had seemed satisfactory to live by - he also hadn’t liked a boy. He knew he could like a boy by the standards of the people around him, though he never felt the need to explore it, however-

If he thought about it, he hadn’t liked a girl either. His first kiss was shared with (and Gods, Remus would never let this get out,) Lily Evans in third year - see, neither of the two were romantically attracted to the other, however they had both been scared shitless to have their first kiss. They'd spoken of the topic relentlessly, especially seeing as a couple of their friends had had their first kisses during that time too. Lily, especially, had felt prudish for not having had her first kiss; she despised nothing more than the uptight, strict personality that surrounded her, she insisted that she was nothing of the sort, and being able to say that she'd had her first kiss would only help to dispel the belief. Afterwards though, they'd both realised that they couldn't truly say that outright, as 'Lily and Remus kissed! Oh Merlin, I knew they were dating!!' was a rumour that was only waiting to erupt from the brewing volcano that was the Hogwarts' student body. Lily had lied and said it was from a muggle boy back home, and the topic had never been discussed beyond that.

The other kisses he’d had during his breaks were strictly one-sided, unreciprocated attraction from his end. The first had been a girl in the seaside town he’d stayed at during Christmas, horrible timing for such a location, he was aware. Her name was something beginning with a ‘d’, or maybe a ‘t’ - Remus had no idea. They’d begun talking due to proximity of residence, and being the only teenagers in the town dominated by pensioners.

About two weeks after their initial conversation, which had blossomed into nothing more than a polite friendship, he informed her that he would be leaving, and probably (thankfully) never returning. He was mere steps away from the car Lyall had rented, when she told him that she had something for him.

Bewildered, he asked ‘What?’, to which she kissed him, giggled, mumbled an incoherent goodbye, and promptly hurried away. Now, Remus wasn’t daft, far from it - top of almost all of his classes, he was quite proud of that fact - but he had no idea exactly what to read from such a situation. Therefore, in Remus fashion, he deemed it ‘irrelevant’ and dumped it into the miscellaneous bookshelf in his library of a mind.

The second had been during the Easter break, where Remus had spent comfortably in Oxford. Grateful to have been somewhere with places that intrigued him, he was quick to converse with just about anyone - moving around constantly had made Remus an excellent conversationalist, he could talk his way in, or out, of any situation, usually manipulating this skill when it came to Professor McGonagall.

Thus his budding friendship with the shopkeeper of the record store. He possessed an angelic appearance - a straight, strong nose, hollow cheeks, though they made him more gorgeous than gaunt, a cupid’s bow adorning his full lush lips. He had been around 3 years Remus’ senior (making him 18) hence the obsidian stubble on his jaw, a strong one at that. cognac brown eyes, and a gaze that made you never want to stop looking; that’s how it had started.

//

“‘Scuse me? D’ you need some help wif’ anything?”

Snapping Remus out of his gaze, eyes widening, he realised that he had been staring at the shopkeeper - he was attractive, so it was inevitable. “No, sorry, I’m alright. Just spaced out.” Inching closer to the till, the man was now looking at Remus through long lashes, shit, why is it so hot all of a sudden? “Hm, good choices,” he said in an inviting tone and he flicked through the records that Remus had set down. Suddenly nervous and unsure of what to say, he made a sound of approval that sounded awfully like a whine, and firmly nodded.

“That’ll be £19.37,“ and as Remus brought out his cash, the shopkeeper passed his own note - the content more valuable than money, Remus would think.

//

From then on, every other day, Remus would pop in - he wouldn’t always buy something, though he got plenty of ‘gifts’ as the other boy, Elliott, would refer to them as. They had become quick friends, the pair would often be hanging out after Elliott’s shifts had ended; they would catch a movie, or just have a walk and chat about anything. They could talk about anything, and that’s when it had begun to go downhill.

Remus didn’t grow too close to people, never revealing more than the bare minimum regarding himself, however his appearance and demeanour made him become of a confessional booth personified in many people’s eyes. He could rival Mary in how much gossip he knew, God was aware that he would be too powerful if he had a gob on him as well.

This happened to be the same ‘trap’ that Elliott had fallen into; on a Sunday, around 7pm, the dwindling warmth from the sun reflected on the silver chain dangling from his neck. The cross, Remus wasn’t awfully religious, though he wore the pendant more in memory of his mother, rather than Christ. The other boy’s heavy fingers twiddled the pendant around in his grasp, pulling left and right, twisting it around and letting it unravel itself.

“Remus, er- have you eve- ever gotten with anybody, like properly?”

“I mean, yeah sure, why?” A lie.

“A girl, right?”

“‘Course, who else would it have been?”

And then, he had realised that he had definitely not said the right thing.

“N- No well I mean, of course it could be a boy, nothing wrong with kissing boys, just not me. Not what I want,” Remus’s mother’s best friend had been a queer; his mother had raised him on the importance of support of homosexuals, and Remus lived by his mother’s word like scripture.

To that, the previously tense, clad in corduroy, shoulders, visibly relaxed, “Ha,” the chuckle sounding more like a breath, “Well, that’s what I wanted to talk to you about, wel- erm,” he began wringing his hands behind him, the pendant previously in his fingers, long abandoned.

“See, erm I think- I think I like-,” the next words came out nothing louder than a whisper, “I like boys.”

“Well, that’s perfectly alright, so d’ you wa-.”

Remus had a way of getting kissed without ever wanting it. Not harassment, just horrifically mixed signals, and him being far too friendly.

His words were cut off by the other boy’s lips pressed firmly into his own, heavy hands quick to find refuge in his mop of curls.

“Mhm, n-,” shit, wh- why isn’t it bad? No, maybe he’s just fucking ace at kissing, I don’t like boys.

Forcefully, and rather reluctantly, he pushed Elliott away, “Look, I’m sorry if I gave the wrong signs, but I don’t like bo-.”

And at that, the other boy sprinted.

//

“Do you know- Remus, are you listening to me?”

“Yes, sir,” he replied almost instantly, though he wasn’t paying all that much attention. All he could think about was what had happened earlier, what Elliott had done. God knows that Remus couldn’t even attempt to rectify the situation; he was leaving for Hogwarts’ as soon as he woke up the next morning. “I’m sure you’re aware of Mr. Anderson, he is in possession of the offices opposite that drab store that you frequent,” to this, Remus nodded. “Only God must know why,” this sounded like it shouldn’t have been heard, Lyall was never too good at being subtle.

“You know that boy from that drab little store, what’s his name? Edward, is it?”

“Ellio-”

“Yes, right Edmund, though his name is insignificant at the moment. Well, Mr. Anderson had said that he had seen Edward rather close with another boy - inappropriate behaviour I’ll have you know.” Well that’s nice, Lyall’s mate saw me getting snogged, just lovely.

Remus hummed noncommittally, and turned away to look out of the window. “I had no inkling that he was a dirty queer, had you?”

At a loss as to the fact that the question had been bounced at him, he shook his head firmly, and made an excuse of how he had to pack for the next day, despite the fact that they had people who did that for him, and hastily left the room.

Gods, what is wrong with him.Lyall was the complete antithesis of Remus. Where Lyall dressed rich fabrics, designer or nothing, and proper business attire, Remus preferred denim, and sweaters, loosely fitting tops and scuffed jeans. Where Lyall read politics and news, Remus read classics, proper literature. Where Lyall was bigoted, close-minded and hateful, Remus was inclusive, he couldn’t hate anybody. He didn’t hate anybody other than Greyback, and maybe himself at other times, but never others.

He slept that night missing his mother, and maybe Hogwarts’ too.

//

Remus decided that he should return to the dorm - not at all deterred by the fact that he’d smoked 3 tabs down to the filter, and he’d rather not sound like a train engine come the morning.

//

Creak.

Well that’s for being silent then. His attempts at getting into the dorm were rendered useless, especially since James snored loud enough that any noise Remus made couldn’t rival its magnitude.

“Psst.” What is that?

“Pssttttt.” Those weren’t weed, nah- shit were they?

“Psst, Remus, where were you?” Relieved that he hadn’t accidentally drugged himself, he stumbled (not because of the darkness, the wolf helped with that, moreso the sheer clutter everywhere) over to Sirius’s bed, where the disembodied voice came from.

“Couldn’t sleep, went to the astronomy tower,” not an entire lie.

“For three hours? Yeah sure, you can explain yourself in the morning, Rem.” Right well why is he so upset then? Sirius’s disapproval of almost anything Remus did, had no effect on Remus other than bewilder him. He acted like his mother, maybe he could sense Remus’s lack so he had to act like his mum? No, because Sirius is a bit daft, so Remus had no idea why exactly he did it. It annoyed him, he could live his own life how he pleased, but he’d be lying if he said he didn’t kind of like it.

He fell to his bed, and drew his curtains.

Shit, I’ve kissed fiv- no six people now.
Am I a fucking slut?

Chapter Text

Got your spell on me baby

Yes, you got your spell on me baby

Turnin' my heart into stone

I need you so bad, magic woman

I can't leave you alone

31st October 1975

“Fuck Remus, you look well fit,” the girls had dressed him as a cowboy. He’d insisted on something simple but they truly did work their magic.

They’d dressed him in low rise, boot-cut jeans, slung low on his hips, with a white singlet that hugged the curve of his muscles. They’d even gotten him a hat, just a regular cowboy hat, though he’d declined the offer of a leather jacket, insisting that it’d be far too tacky. They, however, had insisted on eyeliner, which they had to pin him down to the ground for fifteen minutes to be able to pull off. Even he had to admit, he looked good.

Sirius and James had both dressed up as clowns, fitting, and somehow they still looked as charming as ever. Peter had opted for a zombie, though he hadn’t put much effort into it - just stealing some of his mate’s muggle clothes and calling it a day, which Remus wished he had done.

//

“Got the drink?”

Remus nodded to the alcove that they had charmed to conceal the ten bottles of firewhiskey inside.
“Music?”
Peter nodded to the record player, now in the common room, with records piled atop each other besides it.
“Food, for when the Hufflepuffs get way too high?”
Just then, Sirius barged through the entrance to the common room, arms overflowing with various treats. “Some more coming in a bit, I think we’re all set lads.”

//

From Remus’s point of view, leaned up against a bookcase, (fourth) drink in hand, he could see almost everyone who had come - and there were a lot more people than he’d expected. James was attempting to serenade Lily by the fireplace it seemed, the fucking lightweight; Peter was sat amongst some of his friends from Herbology, they look a bit interesting. Sirius was amongst the throng of people in the centre of the room, the life of the party. Sirius never left a party alone, that was for sure, but he’d also never been in a proper relationship. He usually forgot the ‘special girl of the night’s’ name by morning, and would never seek her out - the system bewildered Remus, especially since Sirius often complained of not being in a relationship.

//

“You know Remus, I think I’d quite like to have a special someone, ”

“Mhm,” Remus hummed noncommittally, far more interested in his Ancient Runes assignment.

“Just the novelty of it, flowers and dates and sweet things - it’s all quite lovely, don’t you think?”

“Might want to watch your mouth, you’re starting to sound like Mary after she broke up with that kid from Sixth Year,” and to that, Sirius pounced.

//

“H- Hi Remus,” a squeaky voice from beside him made him jump, frightening him out of his people-watching. The voice belonged to Sebastian, a fourth year student who frequented the library. He often asked Remus for help, and they’d end up talking alongside their studying - he’d told Remus to start a study club or something of the sort since he had this dynamic with lots of other students, not a bad idea..

“Oh, hey Seb, you alright?” facing the shorter boy, who flushed the instant Remus had said his name, and proceeded to nod, a lot of nodding, kind of looked like he was having a fit honestly.

They stood like that for a while, exchanging words every so often while spectating the party, we must look like proper twats. Seb had said something rather funny, didn’t know the little kid had it in him, to which he began smiling proudly, as if he had won a trophy or something of the like once Remus had begun roaring with laughter - he was an obnoxious drunk; and he was very, very drunk. Out of the corner of his eye, he could see a figure approaching closer - he downed the rest of his drink, the burn settling comfortably in his chest.

“Hm, hey Rem,” Sirius, who had been, said, approaching figure, had his eyes on Sebastian, glaring rather offensively. Sirius turned to Remus and had shone his beaming smile at Remus, then turned his eyes back to Sebastian. He raked his eyes over the poor little git, disgust rampant in his glare. “Wanna get a drink with me?” Sirius slung his arm over Remus’s shoulders, as Remus gave a brief farewell to Sebastian, who seemed seething with rage that Remus had been taken away.

“Do you know him?” Remus’s mouth was awfully close to Sirius’ ear, whispering so that he could hear him amongst the rowdy party. A red flush spread across Sirius’s face, presumably from the alcohol as he turned to face Remus. “Hm, nah. Don’t like him though, he looks at you funny,” their faces practically touching. “Hmmmmm. He did look like he wanted to kiss the shit out of me, but maybe it’s the firewhiskey - wow speaking of,” his hands gesturing to the drinks table that they’d found themselves at.

To Remus’s words, Sirius was sputtering, making no sense. Eventually he just nodded, somewhat similar to how Sebastian was earlier, and hummed a noise of approval. Why is everyone weird today, shit.

“Thanks escorting me love, I’m gonna head to the loo,” punctuating by the downing the drink that he’d just picked up, winking and tilting his hat - Sirius stood there like he’d been mugged, speechless, and at a loss of words as he began sputtering, once again.Weird.

//

“What’s with him?” asked Peter, nodding in a vague direction, who he’d found after going to the loo, leaning by the record player - Peter had been allocated the DJ since nobody else was: sober enough, or had very good music taste. Remus had to agree with the latter, despite his lack of muggle upbringing, he was friends with practically everybody which meant he was exposed to muggle music of all genres all of the time. Remus made a mental note to ask to have a listen to the record that was playing at that moment, though he’d probably forget within twenty minutes.

Peter’s nod was directed to Sirius, who was standing by the fireplace - seeming flushed and in deep contemplation, turning a drink around and around in his hands, miserable git better not be having some life-changing revelation at a Halloween party, it’s time to get drunk babyy. Shit I’ve drunk too much. “Didn’t flirt wif’ him, did cha’?”

“Me!” Remus pointed to himself incredulously, appearing a lot more stunned than he truly was, “I don’t flirt Peter, and even if I did, a boy never kisses and tells,” which he punctuated with a finger to his lips, imitating a shush.

“But nah swear I didn’t, he just got all weird earlier when I was with Seb.”

Remus swore he could hear Peter mumble, ‘jealous git’, before clearing his throat.

“Yeah right lad, how much you drink again?”

“Piss off,” as he punched Peter’s arm, he explained that he would go and chat to somebody - who? He’d figure it out.

//

He’d found himself in the Astronomy tower, the white singlet that the girls had gotten him to wear rose high enough to display the tattoo. His jeans slung sinfully low, and the breeze from the tower didn’t help - he was freezing. The tab between his lips, he let the burn in his lungs consume him, he regretted drinking so much and was frightened to wake up and face what he would regrettably, though inevitably do.

“Darling, aren’t you freezing?”

How exactly Barty had found him was a question for another day, the party was still rampant so there was no reason for Barty to have thought that he was in the Astronomy Tower - despite that fact that he was.

“ ‘M alright. Where’s Evan?” His words slower and his voice slightly deeper - he had no idea why, but alcohol seemed to have that effect on him. “He’s with Reggie, thought I’d have a smoke and found you here.” Barty’s gaze lingered on Remus through every word he said, often flickering between his lips and the slither of his waist exposed, damn these werewolf growth spurts.

Seeing as Remus’s fag was practically to the filter, he tapped it on the railing, ash failing down, and stumped it out with his boot. Barty settled next to Remus, closer than necessary though it wasn’t unwelcome, and brought out the joints. Remus was quick to bring out his lighter, the one gifted by Elijah; he preferred muggle lighters to any spell when lighting a fag.

Setting his alight, Remus put it between his lips - Barty did the same as he used Remus’s lit joint to ignite his own, their faces impossibly close. Barty slithered a hand from Remus’s hip to the small of his back under his shirt, before whispering in his ear, “Nice costume by the way, how about we test out your riding skills?”

//

After their joints had burnt out and they’d made out (a fucking lot), Barty suggested walking Remus back to Gryffindor Tower - “Can’t have you going back alone darling.”

Remus, as inebriated as he was, quickly accepted, and so they began.

Despite their five minute walk turning to 25, both boys impatient and riled up, pulling the other aside to make out in the alcoves along the castle, they’d finally arrived. “Have fun Loops, see ya,” winking, the corners of his lips quirking up as he began his way to his dorm.

“Hm, didn’t expect that one,” Sirius’s presence became all too real for him, shit, how long had he been standing there. Remus felt as though he had sobered up instantly.

“Only came out just now, I was wondering where you were.”

Oh well he’d said that out loud.

“Ran into him when I was coming back from the astronomy tower and he offered to walk me back,” not true whatsoever.

“Right.” Sirius’s face expressed concern and betrayal, Remus had no inkling as to why - he hadn’t done anything wrong.

“You okay Star, what is it?” And at that, Sirius visibly cheered up.

“Jus’ missed you. Let’s go back to the party!” His smile on full display, he reached for Remus’s hand and rushed him back into the party.

//

“Since when did you smoke Remus?” A concerned Lily Evans peered over his shoulder to face him, anger apparent. “Since ages Lils, not that deep, I swear,” his voice slurring abhorrently, he’d picked up at least 4 drinks since he’d come back, and he was already high - note to self, not a good combination.

“You’ll die sooner, I swear,” the end of the sentence voiced in an imitation of Remus, a horrible Welsh accent. Grateful that she didn’t pluck the cigarette out of his hand, he continued, exhaling out of the window and watching the stars.

The party had died down by now, it had been going for a while so it was inevitable. The only remaining guests were the Marauders’, Lily, Mary, Marlene, and a couple of other fifth and sixth year students.

He whipped his head around to face whoever was poking his shoulder with considerable force - it was Peter.

“ ‘ey lad, that girl has been making eyes at you but she’s too antsy to come up to you, I want to flirt with her kooky mate Sybill, help a lad out?” He said it all too quickly, the words tumbling out - Remus had to take a minute to register what he’d said.

Oh, yeah sure why not.

And that’s exactly what he said, stumping out the tab, he picked up the closest cup of liquid, downed it, where the fuck did they get tequila from? and walked over to the girl, who was visibly shaking. Hogwarts’ needs to check out these students and their weird shaking, God.

//

Remus adopted an alter ego of sorts when he drank - he grew flirtatious, risky, bolder. Most people loved this change of character - from frumpy grandma to the fittest bloke in the room - but Remus hated it. It always got him into situations that he’d rather not be a part of; like where he was right now.

Shoved into a broom cupboard, on the way to Claudia’s, the sixth year Ravenclaw’s, dorm.

He enjoyed it, he really did, and he enjoyed her company, truly, he did, but Gods, broom cupboards were a pain.

Chapter Text

Wouldn't it be nice if we could wake up

In the morning when the day is new?

And after having spent the day together

Hold each other close the whole night through

31st October 1975

Remus John Lupin

That was all he thought as he buttoned his neat Oxford shirt, his mom had told him that he’d look like a ‘proper man’ now, though he thought that he looked a bit stupid. Remus Lupin was the only reason he had agreed to go to his party, he thought that parties were raucous and excessive, but Noah, his best mate and roommate, had said that Remus Lupin would definitely be there. It was only right that Sebastian would go too.

Sebastian had first accidentally dropped his books in front of him, as Remus had accidentally walked into him, in the library; unlike the other fifth years, Remus didn’t laugh, or give him a warning look - he picked them up and apologised. He, Remus Lupin that is, if it wasn’t clear, apologised. From that moment on Sebastian admired Remus enormously, though Noah would call it anything ranging from obsession, to borderline worship.

He was smart - beyond smart, he was intelligent, and driven, yet still humble. He was funny, sarcastic though never rude; he was kind, in anything he did. He was pretty, Merlin he was gorgeous. He was an enigma to the Hogwarts’ student body, truly, and he was one that they all wanted to crack - it seemed that way since just about everyone either wanted to be him, wanted to be with him, loved him, or downright despised him (the latter being slimy gits anyways). It’s just that Remus was really great, most people agreed.

//

14th October 1975

“Merlin, look he’s so cool,” his nimble finger pointed to Remus, his head against the steam covered glass, and a blond haired boy, blowing smoke into the cool air, besides the greenhouses, passing a fag between them, “He’s so cool, don’t you think Noah?”

“Alright, we get it ‘cool’, yeah whatever.”

“Re- Regulus, you think he’s cool, don’t you?” He instantly regretted saying this, as Noah’s brown eyes shot to his, both glaring and worrying at the same time. He only said it as he had noticed that the Slytherin (that was getting far too close to Remus for his liking), with Remus, was one of Regulus’ roommates.

“Lupin is the ‘coolest’,” saying the word as if he were above it, his voice laced with disgust, “of that gaggle, he’s quite interesting actually.”

And that was the most honest and kind he had ever heard Regulus.

//

31st October 1975

“H- Hi Remus,” Merlin, he had to sort the stuttering out.

“Oh hey Seb, you alright?” His smile soft, and his words softer, Merlin, he’s perfect. And ‘Seb’ - Sebastian was just about to die.

Unable to trust his mouth, he opted on nodding firmly, as he gazed at the taller boy’s, oh, so lovely face.

They stood like that for a while, Sebastian had realised far too late that his nodding was going on for a bit too long.

//

“Merlin, Potter’s acting like a right clown,” Sebastian had caught his eye on James Potter doing some sort of attempt at serenading Lily Evans - even Sebastian wasn’t that desperate, he’d opt for writing poetry, he bet Remus would like that.

At Sebastian’s statement, Remus erupted into laughter, loud and raw. He was taken aback, though far from displeased - he wished to shout aloud, ’SEE, I MADE REMUS LUPIN LAUGH!’.

Remus playfully hit Seb on the arm once he’d recovered, the touch setting Seb alight. He thought of what next to say, something suave an-

His thought process was cut off by a marching Sirius Black.

Sebastian didn’t dislike Black, really he disliked how much Sirius loves Remus. Merlin, he acted smitten and didn’t do anything about it - what an absolute idiot.

Remus had seemingly caught sight of the approaching figure, as he downed his drink (rather attractively, Seb would like to add).

Steely eyes raking themselves over his figure, how pathetic, just because you can’t get Remus to feel such emotion like roaring with laug-

“Hm, hey Rem,” a grin washed over the previously glowering face, as he turned to Remus - Merlin, ‘Rem’ was a bit overly friendly, no?

“Wanna get a drink with me?” His arm slung over the taller boy’s shoulder, Merlin, how obnoxious could you get?

Sirius dragged Remus away, smirking menacingly at Sebastian’s lonely figure.

From that moment on, he hated Sirius Black.

Chapter Text

You just call out my name

And you know, wherever I am

I'll come runnin'

To see you again

1st November 1975

A throb in his head began the second he opened his eyes, the curtains were fully drawn back, light beaming from every direction.

Where the ever-living fuck, am I?

“Morning darling, would you want anything to drink?”

Who the fuck is that?

Instantly, flashbacks to the entire night before played in his mind - oh, that’s where he was.

“No, I’m alright thank you. Just gotta get back to my dorm.” He spoke as he pushed his body out of the bed, grateful he still had his trousers on, his shirt was flung across the room, hanging on the bathroom door.

“That’s alright, have a good one, see you soon?” She sounded clearly disappointed that he hadn’t wanted to stay, though he couldn’t be sure, he had no idea where she was. “Something like that, bye Claudia,” he attempted to sound as alive as possible, mumbling through the sentence, though he sounded a wreck.

//

“Rem lad, d’ you get laid or what?” was the first thing he heard the second he entered the dorm - he had hastily buttoned his shirt, forgetting the top couple, somehow, yet he hadn’t had a chance to see himself.

“Hm, something like that,” waving the comment away with a hand, as James laughed incredulously and began asking details more intrusive than a police report. Peter was nowhere to be seen, hopefully he’d gotten with Sybill at least, and Sirius was sitting cross-legged on James’s bed, staring at Remus. Far too tired to question any of it, he hurried into the bathroom and slammed the door behind him.

He looked like shit - well, not necessarily bad, just more like he had definitely gone through it. His hair was pointing in every direction, the eyeliner had smudged, though it didn’t look that bad. His lips plump from sleep, and whatever else he got up to last night - he’d gotten a hickey, or two, or a couple. He assumed they were from the Astronomy Tower, as he didn’t remember much past the broom cupboard.

Fixing his hair, and rushing to and fro the dorm room to get a change of clothes; he took a shower, threw the black shirt and track joggers on, and stepped back into the dorm.

Wolf whistles began from James’ direction, though Sirius didn’t join in. Remus laughed at how stupid his mate was acting about such a small thing, it truly wasn’t that deep.

“Lads, Remy here has just gotten his first snog,” James stated with a teasing tone, the nickname unappreciated.

“Nah that’s not true,” he clearly stated, as he settled onto his own bed and pulled out a packet of fags discretely enough that nobody could see what they were. He didn't miss James's scandalised face, and Sirius’s slight expression of something that Remus couldn’t read.

“No need to hide it, we’re aware of the smoking, tattooed, edgy bad-boy thing you’ve got going on; you were fucked yesterday, but what do you mean that’s not true? It literally is.” Not very discrete then. James spoke as if he knew everything there was to know about anything, and well that clearly wasn’t true.

“Nah, ‘ve kissed people before, like three I think?” A lie, the truth was a couple more.

“YOU THINK? Remus, you utter slag. How’d you lose count, and more importantly, why were we never told of this?”

“Mhm, come to think of it, Ravenclaw girl made it four so there you go James, the more you know.” Lie, it was like seven.

To this, James gave Sirius a look that Remus was unable to read, which resulted in the latter smacking James’ arm.

“Okay, okay Merlin no need to resort to violence Siri,” a teasing tone adopted during the pet name, which just got him smacked again.

What on earth is going on?

Thinking better of the situation, and sensing that James and Sirius were about to have a chat, seen as James began whispering and looking back at Remus every so often, and that Remus shouldn’t have been present for, he picked up his bag, slinging it over his shoulder - he was going to the library.

“Jus’ remembered I promised Lily,” a shriek erupted from the previously hushed voice, whispering something into Sirius’s ear, “to study, see you later.” Slamming the door behind him.

//

“1842,” her voice wavered at the end, “N- NO, ‘43! It’s 1843!”

Deftly flipping the flashcard over, her over-excited grin fell into a frown. “Remus, I just don’t get it! I mean, I’ve been going over this topic for two weeks now, and I can’t seem to get it down, it’s so stupid.”

She muttered out different insults under her breath as she began packing things away into her bag, motioning for Remus to do the same. “I mean, honestly, you might just be burnt out. You’ve been at it for what, a month straight now?”

“Two months Remus, two months.”

“Mhm, yeah two months sure, I mean it surely can’t be helpful, what about you just take a break or something - we haven’t just sat around for hours drinking tea in ages, mhm, what about that?”

“I see why you’re a whore now, easy to love you fucking genius.”

//

“Brew another one for me, will ya?” They’d been sitting in the empty common room for around three hours by now, everyone else was, assumingly, enjoying the rare sun - fully having neglected the plan of studying.

Lily and Remus had been close since first year, both of them being sat next to each other in their first classes, and having only grown closer since. They understood each other to a level that nobody else would - Remus often thinks that he found his soulmate in Lily, he doubts he’d be able to find a soul so attuned to his, like Lily’s.

He stepped over to where Lily had snuggled under a woven blanket, and handed her her mug. She muttered a ‘thank you’ as he sat beside her, pulling out his fags.

“Nuh uh, none of that Remus, not in here, no one can stand the stench,” she screwed her face up in a sour expression as she swatted the pack in his hands. With nimble fingers, he reluctantly tucked them away, “where’d you even get ‘em?”

He looked up to see her raised brow, in question, “‘s a long story,”

“Good thing we’ve got a while then love,” a smirk playing on her lips.

//

Over the hour, his head had ended up in Lily’s lap, her fingers playing with his curls. Oh, and Marlene and Mary had come back.

The four had moved into the girls’ dorm, around the rug, as Remus recounted his summer; he trusted the girls, he often preferred them to the Marauders’ in the sense that they could listen, and listen they did.

“No way Remus, and here I was thinking you were a prude!”

“That’s on you Marls, I never took that title in stride,” his fingers twisting his spliff between his fingers - Lily had let him off on one, only since he asked so nicely.

“You might have kissed the most people in our year, you know,” Lily’s thought came out thoughtful, despite its provocative words. He made a noise of surprise, “Eh, no not at all Lily, surely Sirius or Mary-,”

“You calling me a slut Lupin?” Her voice laced with a shocked tone, “Mhm, not me love.”

“Last party, Sirius said he’s only kissed three people, and then Mary has only got him beat by one, so..”

"Seems like you're quite the casanova Lupin."

"Casanova of Gryffindor Tower, they'll call him!"

“Shit’s sake, I’m a slag.”

His dooming revelation came at the cost of the girls erupting into laughter.

//

Mary and Marlene had trickled off around dinner time, saying that they’d bring back food for the two left behind. “Remus?”

“Yeah Lee?”

A hand swatted his neck, “Tsk, don’t call me that, I’m not middle-aged. D’ you ever miss that boy back home?”

They’d debriefed his summer to the current moment he was in - the only bit Remus left out detailed his ‘fun’, and anything to do with his parents; he had to keep something to himself.

“Yeah, I guess so, I should call him really,”

A grin erupted on her face, her green eyes seemed to brighten with her smile, “Excellent idea, we’ll do it now!”

“No, Lily, n-”

But he was too late, she had already half dragged him out of the dorm room.

//

Ring. Ring

“See, doesn’t eve-,”

“ ‘lright Lu?”

Lily mouthed ‘Lu’ with a questioning brow raised, incredulous expression apparent on her features. He waved her off, “Hey Eli, thought of taking you up on your offer,”

“Hm, quite the catch, aren’t I?”

“Seems it, how’ve you been?”

“Been as good as I can be, missed ‘cha you know,”

“How couldn’t you, light of your life after all.”

“Sod off you rich prick, but really, how’s it been? Could tell you weren’t too excited to go back,”

“Been alright Eli, just alright - fags haven’t half ran out, thanks for the little surprise, knew I could count on you for that”

“‘Bout all you can count on me for,”

“None of that depressing crap, should be over the moon!”

“Haha, trust me Lu, I am. Should call more often, like hearing your voice.”

“Knew you were in love with me,”

“Piss off before I hang up, posh prick. Speaking of, I’ve got a meeting in a minute.”

“I’d better get off myself, love you Eli, call you soon,”

“Better do, love you Lu, bye.”

And with that it was over.

//

“Quite friendly with him, aren’t you?” Lily nudged her elbow into his, teasingly.

“Nah, ‘s nothin’ like that.” He felt uneasy saying it, though he had no idea why.

“FINALLY, you’re back, Marls and I were gonna start on your pudding if you had taken a second longer.”

Chapter Text

And some may say

When usually it's nothing,

Surely, you're happy

It should be this way?

3rd November 1975

“Owl for you, ” he looked up to see James’ head nod towards an owl oddly reminiscent of his mother - only she was so self-absorbed as to find her carbon copy in the form of an owl.

He reached up to snatch the letter out of the owl’s claws; it scratched him, obviously.

Reluctantly sliding the rich parchment out of the enveloped, he unfolded it and-

Dear Sirius Black,

I write to congratulate you on your sixteenth birthday. As previously discussed, this makes you the prestiged heir of the Black Family. You understand your role, and your place. You understand what we expect of you, and what you will give in return. I must not be made aware of any wrongdoings on your part - you must fulfil your end of this.

Toujours Pur.

From,
Walburga Black.

Shocker.

He crumpled up the paper, and aimed it towards the open window across the hall when another owl, more hopeful eyes than the previous, appeared. This one seemed to nod towards the letter in its grasp, much more friendly. He turned to face the Slytherin table, searching for a face that he couldn’t see - though his companions, who seemed far too friendly with Remus, were there.

He slid out the paper from the envelope, ignoring James’ nagging as to what the first letter consisted of.

Dear Sirius,

Happy Birthday. I couldn’t risk getting scolded by mother because some minion had told her that I’d said it in person. Go to the owlery at 5 o’clock sharp, I got something for you.

P.S. When are you going to come clean with the little infatuation Sirius? Barty and Evan won’t get off of Lupin’s back.

Love,
Reggie

Mildly annoyed, though rather satisfied, he chuckled to himself, folding the letter away and sliding it into his bag.

//

“Drink with the birthday boy?”

“James, you’ve said that wha- six times already?”

“No, eight Remus. Eight times.”

“Tsk, yeah right Pete, jus’ say you want an excuse to get hammered on a Monday.”

He brought the firewhiskey to his lips for the last sip it had - he’d drunk the entire bottle by himself, when did he build the tolerance! - holding it to his lips for far too long, do you reckon he holds his lips aroun- No, not something I’ll burden myself with on my birthday.

He had come to the realisation that he was properly down for Remus around a week ago - it had come along with a conversation with James regarding why exactly Sirius was acting so weird with Remus. It was a mess of emotions.

//

“I just don’t get why he has to do that!”

“Do what? Make friends?”

“Merlin James, you know what I mean!”

“Sirius,” suddenly his voice took a softer cadence as he looked Sirius in the eyes.

“Are you sure that you don’t like him?”

“Course I like him, he’s one of my best frie- Oh. Oh. You mean like that?”

“Yes I mean like that, it’s the only possible thing, and I mean, from what I see it isn’t entirely out of the question.”

James got a pillow at the head for that one.

//

“Why of course James, pour me another one then,” suddenly needing the alcohol more than he did five minutes ago.

Despite James’ nagging, he declined the offer of a ‘fucking rager’, put kindly into words by one James Potter, and preferred just getting his friends together, and getting, ‘fucking hammered’ - James had the titles down.

The dorm held the four boys, with the addition of: Frank, Alice (both sixth years), Lily, Mary, Marlene. They were in a circle around the middle of the dorm.

“HA, empty bottle, you know what that means,” Mary’s teasing voice punctuated with her eyes looking around the circle.

“Spin The Bottle,” they all said in unison, each with different emotions held towards what they had just said. Mary was ready, her cheeks red with excitement, Peter, to the right of Mary, looked indifferent from the outsiders view, though he began strumming his fingers on the ground, his cheeks tinted pink - his tell that he was fucking antsy. Marlene and Alice were giggling amongst themselves, though seemed indifferent to the game. Frank, on Mary’s left, was talking to James and Sirius; he wasn’t really paying attention, something to do with Alice. Remus sat beside Sirius, Lily next to him - they were speaking in hushed tones, a chuckle escaping Remus as he adjusted himself, leaning back on his forearms, shit, when did he get strong.

//

The bottle spun many times: Frank and Alice, Frank and James, Frank and Frank, Marlene and Mary. They all passed unceremoniously, done and over within minutes. Finally, it spun on Remus, and Sirius would be lying if he said that he hadn’t hoped that the bottle neck would fatefully settle in his direction. As it spun, Lily whispered something in Remus’ ear resulting in him swatting her away, reducing her to giggling. Eventually it settled on Lily, and just as soon as it did, Remus turned to her and kissed and turned back instantly, much to everyone’s surprise. “Ha, should see you lot’s faces,” Remus’ Welsh was so much more apparent when he got drunk.

“ ‘S not like it’s the first ti- Ow Lee tha- Shit Lily, sorry, that hurt.” He rubbed his left arm, it’d become Lily’s target following his drunken words, looking ‘hurt’. She huffed, and then laid her head on his shoulder - they both became nothing but two giggling idiots within seconds. He looks so happy, so pretty.

“Remus, what do you mean it’s not the ‘first time’?” James' comment, made with a stern face, was unheard by Remus, or Lily, and therefore ignored.

//

“James, what time’s it?” Impatient, he fiddled with Remus’s shoelace, awaiting the clock to hit five.

“Two minutes to five,” his statement punctuated by Sirius leaping up, and rushing out of the door, despite the murmurs of, “Where the fuck’s he going?”

He ran to the owlery, sure that he wouldn’t get there a minute later than asked. He pushed the hefty wooden door open, revealing the owlery, just as the same owl from that morning had arrived. In its grasp, it held a package, seeming heavier than it looked, apparent from the owl’s struggle keeping it held. He relieved the owl of the stress, stroking its head, much to its appreciation, and muttering a thanks, before ripping the brown paper off.

Within the paper, there was a black box, upon opening displayed an interior of deep red velvet and a pendant attached to a silver chain. He picked it up - it was two stars, one slightly smaller than the other, as he flipped it over, engraved ‘absit invidia’.

He picked up the chain, attaching the clasps, letting it dangle from his neck - he was about to shut it before he saw a piece of parchment in the box.

Dear Sirius,

Hope you like it, I thought you wouldn’t have appreciated ‘toujours pur’ engraved on the back. Let the envy from the name be absent from our lives; per aspera, as astra.

Love,
Reggie

//

“Spin the bottle is boring.” Marlene’s words punctuated with everyone’s hum of agreement, made in unison.

“Got boring once them drunkards started giggling their ‘eads off,” James’ words slurring, not over Remus’ confession, as he pointed to Remus and Lily, his head on her shoulder. They started giggling again, and seemed to stop no time soon.

The group fell into a silence, that was until James began whispering in Sirius’ ear.
“Sirius, psst, Sirius!”

“Merlin I hear you, you're right bloody next to me”, which apparently seemed humorous to James, going off of the fact that he began laughing, for a while.

“Merlin, go on then,” he was quite fed up with the bouts of laughter that seemed to plague everyone except him; wouldn’t half be able to tell it’s my bleeming birthday.

“Ha, what about,” which just led him laughing again. Seeming to compose himself once Sirius gave him a steely glare which represented his annoyance, “What about Never Have I Ever, you know it’d help you figure out a bit about,” he nodded his head towards Remus, who himself was chatting passionately with Marlene, Alice and Lily.

//

*****

Sirius didn’t have a ‘thing’ for Remus, in his opinion - he had figured out that he was gay a while ago to be fully honest. The realisation sprouted from one of his tutors, his piano tutor specifically. Fifteen years his senior, Mr Maddox - though he insisted on Sirius referring to him by his first name, Miles - was a gifted pianist. He had learnt piano fluently before his first words, reciting Liszt before his alphabet. Muggle-born, he had connections to the Black Family, generational and political, which perfectly led him into becoming the go-to tutor for the next generation of Blacks.

Narrow brown eyes, and a strong jaw, he taught Sirius exceptionally; he prided himself on his skills in piano in his youth, the pride dissipating the same as his relationship with the Black name. Sirius admired him for his skill, at least he thought it was for his skill - he could tell that Mr Maddox favoured Sirius over his other students, and Sirius favoured him over his other tutors.

Though it ended around the First Year, when Mr Maddox had done something - not something that Sirius enjoyed thinking about, nor something that he had told anybody. Nobody, other than Regulus, who had insisted on getting Mr Maddox fired instantly. He felt shame when thinking about it, disgusted even. Disgusted that the one person he trusted at the time had exploited his trust, and naivety, and he hated it with all his being. He hated it with every breath he took, every piano recital he played. The piano became nothing more than a symbol of everything that Sirius wished to forget, but, like muscle memory, he could play each memory back, as his fingers deftly played across the keys.

Despite this, it had solidified Sirius’ belief in his sexuality, something that he forced himself to become okay with. Difficult in nature, it took a while though he could comfortably express this in Regulus, and with time, James too.

Sirius felt a fondness for Remus akin to the fondness he felt for Mr Maddox, which all too often led to Sirius treating Remus with the hatred he wished that he had treated Mr Maddox with. This fondness was distinguished by James, and Merlin he played it to his advantage far too often - though he was adamant on Sirius expressing this to Remus, something that he despised even the thought of doing.

*****

//

“Ja- fuck it,” he thought better of his refusal, deciding that it would be fine in the long run.

“Never Have I Ever?” His tone teasing and questioning, as the group erupted into agreement.

“Birthday boy, start us off will you?” Marlene slid a shot glass to everybody, as Remus got up to get three more bottles of some liquor from his case - Sirius shot a raised brow to Remus, receiving a shrug and a smirk in return.

“Never have I ever.. Mhm stole anything,” to this the Marauders’ and Frank took a shot.

“Shit Remus what the fuck is this?” Sputtering, Peter questioned whilst grimacing, “Jus’ a little gift from someone,” he stated before taking another shot - his tolerance was far too high to just be built up from the parties they’d had so far.

//

So far, everybody had taken at least two shots, save Lily who’d only taken one after the question of whether or not she’d had her first kiss, to which James began sputtering, insistent on figuring out who the fucking bastard was.

“Never have I ever kissed a boy,” Mary’s slurring voice announced, behind a bottle of firewhiskey.

To this, the girls, and Remus took a shot. “Who’s the lucky lad Rem?” Lily asked behind her grimace.

“Good summer innit,” he shrugged, leaning back on his strong forearms, tilting his head back to take a puff of his joint - a new addition to the circle. The group laughed, though Sirius hardly found it funny; who the fuck had he kissed? I bet it was that stupid wanker at the station, with his stupid blue eyes, and his stupid smirk and his stupid look at Remus. The look that was so obviously smitten with the taller boy.

//

The game died down once Alice and Frank got a bit too friendly and James scolded them, telling them to, “Get a ROOM!”

“G’night you lot, I got hangover potions for the lot of us from Frank, don’t tell the girls,” Peter’s slurring voice came from behind his closed curtain, clearly seconds away from sleep.

“You got it Pete,” James was putting away the empty bottles, to discard on Saturday, the first Hogsmeade trip.

“Goodnight you wanker, turning the lights out,” he said, before the dorm fell into silence, goodnights muttered back from Sirius and Remus. The lights were out.

Chapter Text

My love is vengeance

That's never free

No one knows what it's like

To be the bad man

To be the sad man

18th November 1975

Just another hour. Just one more hour. He repeated the chant in his head, in attempts to not just fall asleep. The day before the full was never a good day - usually the worst of the month. He was tired, grouchy, irritable; his usual emotions just kicked up a few hundred notches. Slughorn’s drowning, monotonous voice alongside how shit he was at Potions was the perfect spell to cast him to sleep.

He was partnered with Marlene, and thank the Gods she could do Potions - she wasn’t aware of his furry little problem, though she could read him like a book. “Don’t worry Rem, I’ll do it, just have a nap or summit, doubt Slughorn’ll notice,” she flicked her head up from the ingredient list to point towards Slughorn. He was entirely enamored with Lily and Snape’s natural skill at the subject, so much so that he wouldn’t bother with whatever mediocre creation the rest of them would’ve ended up with.

“Cheers Marls,” he mumbled before resting his head on his hands and drifting to sleep.

//

“Come on Rem, Potions is over,” she swatted his neck to get him to wake up - it was the end of the day and God he had a lot of studying to do. His mental checklist consisted of:
Yesterday’s assignment (he hadn’t gotten it done, too busy with the map he and the boys had begun on, though only he could perform the magic needed to make it.)
Today’s scrolls, and assignments.
Help Lily with transfiguration (she was a talented witch though Transfiguration was her weakness.)
Catch up to Thursday’s work, in all his subjects (mandatory bed-rest from Ms. Pomfrey was well appreciated though a real fucking obstacle in terms of getting his work done.)

He was set out for another evening in the library.

//

Well-prepared, his cup of tea in hand, and bag strewn over his shoulder, he set out to the library - probably until bed he figured, considering the amount of work he had. Seen as it was the full, he would need to rush to the Shrieking Shack afterwards - he was fucking exhausted.

Navigating the shelves, he found the necessary History of Magic textbook, cracked it open, took a sip of his tea and set out on his work.

//

Just one more paragraph. Just One More. He gave up on this chant rather quickly, seen as his hands only moved slower the further he got. He had completed it all by nine, later than he’d hope, yet the best he could do. Standing up, he stretched every limb in his body, sitting down for four hours straight wasn’t the best for his bones, and God his posture didn’t help either - it felt as though he had been carrying a ton of bricks on his back for the last century. He slid his work into his bag, accomplished though anything but satisfied, put the books he’d used back, and walked to the dorm.

//

“Hey Re- shit fuck’s happened to you lad?” Peter’s voice turned concerned once he’d seen the state of Remus. He figured he couldn’t look that bad as he mumbled noncommittally, waved away the comment and set his stuff down. He stepped into the bathroom, ignoring James’ questioning as to ‘where the fuck have you been, you look like shit’, and wiped away the condensation settling on the mirror.

And, well yeah - he looked like shit. Dark, purplish circles settling under his heavy-lidded eyes, his face looked like something out of a horror film, if he was being honest. His bone structure more prominent than usual, though not in an attractive way, more like a skeleton. Despite the horror he could see in the mirror, he figured turning into a werewolf in a couple of hours would only make him look worse - he was a murderous monster after all. Turning the tap on, he splashed pools of cold water on his fatigued face, dried himself off and left the bathroom. He had about 30 minutes before he had to go to the Shrieking Shack, enough time to get a nap in, or try to.

The creaking of the bathroom door was punctuated with James’ concerned face, and Peter’s even more concerned voice, “Rem, you alright?”

“Mhm, yeah ‘m sound,” though he sounded, and looked, anything but.

“We could do your work whilst you’re in the hospital wing, you know?” He appreciated the offer, but he knew, and the rest of them too, that his work was usually the one copied in the first place - he loved his friends, truly, but they were shit at assignments.

“Nah, m’alright, thanks though,” he let his head hit the pillow, curtains already drawn and attempted to fall asleep.

The hushed whispering from outside his bed didn’t help is already failing mission -

“He looks fucking knackered, is he alright?”

“‘S the moon tonight, wish he wouldn’t work himself half to death though.”

The boys didn’t know why he worked to the level he did - why he expected so much of himself. He was a burden, to Lyall, to the family name, to his friends, to everyone. Getting all O’s in his OWLS and NEWTS were the only way in which he’d be sure to secure a job after school was over - the registry was a sure fire way to get somebody kicked off of possible employees, and he knew it all too well. Drilled into his head by Lyall, and branded even further by comments made by people he knew - it wasn’t their fault, or anybody’s, except Remus’s. He only made them all worry so much more than they had to; keeping him around was like keeping a ticking time bomb on your bedside table, it was nothing but an inevitable explosion.

“Wish we could help him, he doesn’t deserve it honestly,” to which Peter hummed - he could hear them talking about him, as if he weren’t there, as if he weren’t even alive. Fucking hell, he hated it, hated his friends for worrying, hated himself for making them worry, hated himself for hating his friends who were only trying to help. He was the one making it worse for himself - if only he worked that bit hard, stayed in the library that bit longer, re-read that assignment once more, he would be better. He made it worse for himself, he knew it, it was his fault.

“Dunno why he works so hard, he’s easily the smartest in most of our classes.”

Gods they didn’t get it. Fed up with the hushed comments, he hopped out of his bed, drew the curtains back, got his bag.“You alright?”

“Fucking fine, I told you,” and left the dorm, slamming the stupid door, and all the ignorant comments, away.

Ignoring whatever question Sirius asked in the common room, face filled with concern, he left the common room and ran to the Shrieking Shack. Fuck, he was tired of all of it. Wished it would end. Playing the words over in his head, as he sat there, chills passed through his body, waiting for the monster inside him to take over.

//

19th November 1975

“Hey Loops,” he felt fingers, covered in rings, playing with his curls - willing his eyes open from rest he could make out the two figures around the bed to be Evan and Barty. Well, shit.

Somehow reading his thoughts - though he didn’t doubt that they had learnt legilimens - the raven-haired boy produced a bar of chocolate from his pocket, setting it on the bedside table, “We figured out the werewolf thing a while ago, we pay attention to more than you think,” he punctuated with a wink, that produced a chuckle from Remus.

They were skilled at distracting Remus from what was going on, the wolf, the worry, the studying, all of it. They even offered to study with him, seen as they were fucking geniuses as Barty had put it - he accepted, he had met Evan through a mind-numbing History of Magic essay after all.

//

It was well into afternoon, the two boys had been there for around three hours, though it felt like a minutes or two; “Shit, we should get back to the dorms, Reg is probably wondering where we are,”

“Friday at six at our dorms, yeah?” Evan ruffled Remus’ hair, kissed his hand and left alongside Barty, not before giving Remus another bar of chocolate, and God, did Remus love chocolate.

//

“Shit, is he asleep?”

“Would’ve come earlier but the fucking freaks were giving him trouble, can’t they see he’s going through enough!” Sirius sounded exasperated, as Remus rubbed his eyes, tired from sleep, and tried to see who was there.

“Ah, there he is, hey Rem, you feeling better?”

“Would’ve come earlier but the Slytherins,” his voice hissing with disgust at that word, ”were here, and Quidditch try-outs after that.”

“‘S alright, they helped don’t worry, no trouble here,” he figured it was James and Sirius, Peter had mentioned he would be doing a Herbology assignment that was long overdue. Sirius seemed unimpressed and unconvinced by Remus’ statement regarding Evan and Barty, God he seemed to have a problem with anybody I become friends with, that isn’t friends with him.

James was settled in the rocking chair beside the bed, Sirius lying sideways at the foot of the bed, legs dangling off; they were both in Quidditch uniform, cheeks tinged with red. “How was it Rem?”

“Same as always,” his voice tired as he pushed himself up, leaning his head against the wall, “Reckon I could leave yet?”

To this, the two boys began grinning, the joy plaguing his own face not too soon after, “You up for it?”

“Always trooper,” he pushed himself off the bed, wincing as a sharp pain ached in his hip - “Nah, ‘m fine, jus’ a little sore,” he dodged Sirius’ arms that shot straight out to stabilise Remus, sweet.

They’d left the Hospital Wing within a minute, walking to the dorm, “What did they want then?”

“Hm, who?” he looked up to Sirius’ face, stormy grey eyes already looking at him, studying his expression. “Slytherins.” His voice lacked the curiosity or compassion that he had held before.

“Oh. Evan and Barty, we’re mates now kinda, mostly just assignments and shit, same classes innit,” a lie, he kept his gaze ahead of him, only looking at Sirius once he was sure he had stopped looking at him. “Mhm yeah right, classes yeah,” he sounded entirely unconvinced, though going over his words would only exemplify his falsities, and he needed a spliff more than being believed right now.

“Merlin, Remus! You know what Evans said today?”

//

“Ah,” he stretched his neck, left and right, cracking on each movement. It was around eight, he’d been in the dorm for two hours now - so far nobody had asked where he was, he assumed he was free to leave bedrest. He’d begun on another one of the books Eli had ‘gotten’ him, shit, Eli, I should call him.

“‘M gonna go out,” he spoke though he wasn;t sure if anyone heard, until-

“Where you going?” Sirius’ head shot up once Remus had gotten out of bed and settled the novel down, “Jus’ out.” He wasn’t mentally prepared for an investigation, so he left the dorm as soon as he could - he loved Sirius, he did, but God he was invested.

Ring. Ring

“Ello?”

Mhm, second ring again.

“ ‘Lo Eli.”

“Gods Lu, thought you’d forgotten ‘bout me,”

“Could never, how’d I forget the fittest bloke around?”

“Ha, you know it, how’s it been?”

“‘S been a’right, yourself?”

“Good good, lad.”

After a moment of silence.

“Eli?”

“Yep?”

“You’ll still be there for Christmas, yeah?”

“‘Course Lu, come over as soon as you get back, yeah? Missed ‘cha.”

“Miss you too Eli.”

“You sound down, what’s happened? Any swots I need to come handle myself?”

“Ha, nothing of the sort, just people’re well confusing, you know?”

“Yeah I get it, can’t hate ‘em for it. They do what they think’s best, and so do we - can’t hate it, can’t change it. ”

“When’d you get so enlightened?”

“Dunno, when did you speak all swotty and use words like ‘enlightened’?”

As soon as he’d recovered from the unexpected, yet funny, attack, he caught sight of Sirius leaning against the wall watching him, how long had he been there?

“You got me there Eli, gotta go, I‘ll call you soon - you know, jus’ call me whenever,”

“Will do, bye,”

“Bye.” And he set down the telephone with a soft hand, Gods he wished he was with Eli, back home or was it home, felt like it though he shouldn’t get too comfortable - never safe enough to get comfortable.

“How long you been here?” He arrived by Sirius’ side sooner than expected, as the boy slung his arm over the taller boy’s shoulders. “Jus’ got worried, thought you were sick or summit, you alright? Who’d you call?”

“Yeah, ‘m alright, jus’ called a friend back home,” he knew that Sirius wasn’t too warm to Elijah, the few times he had been brought up, Sirius got snappy - acted like Eli had killed his cat or something as abhorrent as that. “Mhm, Eli?” He nodded back, as they arrived at the common room.

“Don’t like him.” Sirius stated, cold voice, vastly contrasting to the carefree fingers drumming on Remus’ arm. “Mhm, couldn’t tell, not the faintest clue,” he replied deadpan, producing a sweet chuckle.

Chapter Text

And thank your God that I’m not aware

And thank God that I just don’t care

And I guess I just don’t know

Oh, and I guess I just don’t know

21st November 1975

Knock. Knock. Pause. Knock.

He found himself at the Slytherin dorm room, at two minutes past six, waiting for Evan and Barty. “Loops, it’s you!” Barty’s warm hand slithered to Remus’s lower back, as he ruffled his hair with the other hand. “You got your stuff?” Remus nodded to Barty who, chuckled in response.

“Darling I don’t study,”

“Worst thing is, he ain’t even joking, he got all predicted O’s on his OWLS and Merlin knows he hasn’t touched a quill since Second Year,” Dorcas’ sentence punctuated by her shriek as Barty skillfully aimed a quill at her head. He hadn’t noticed she was there to be fully honest, Barty had a way of making it seem like he was the only person in the room, and Gods Remus loved it. Remus and Dorcas weren’t too close, she hung around Marlene and by proximity Remus, and he didn’t mind her. She seemed kind enough, and snarky when she had to be.

“Hope you won’t mind, Reg’ll be- shit, Regulus, sorry,” the boy mentioned stepped on Evan’s foot with considerable force, fuck must’ve hurt, “ will be joining us, that alright?”

“Yeah ‘course, let's go. Bye Barty, Dorcas,” he had a sneaking suspicion they’d be getting high.

//

They’d been studying for a couple of hours, Remus’ mug drained of tea, as he had to magically refill it for the third time that hour. He had made considerable progress compared to other study sessions, which mostly consisted of his muttering swear words under his breath and taking breaks every ten minutes or so. The three of them worked well, helpful and focussed, it was proving itself in his work, which had been much easier than he had thought at first. “Hey Remus,” a voice came from behind him. He leaned his head back to see who it was, just as he’d recognised the voice as Enid, a fellow fifth year. “Enid, what's up?”

He motioned for her to take the empty seat next to him, the boys sat on the other side of him. “Well, I just needed help with this,” she pointed at a paragraph in her History of Magic essay, “not sure on what I needed to improve, maybe you could read it over?”

“Oh yeah, course,” he read it and well God, it was a bit obvious, it was underlined afterall. “It’s just, you see where he’s underlined it,” she nodded, “yeah just that isn’t the right date, and there,” he pointed lower down, “you need to include the intention, but yeah it’s good other than that.”

“Thanks Remus, I knew you could help, see you soon?”

He hummed, waving her goodbye.

Evan burst out laughing. “What?” Remus questioned, genuinely confused; what had he said?

“She was flirting with you, sweetheart. You didn’t notice, did you?”

“I mean, nah she wasn’t, how’d you mean?”

And then Regulus retorted, “You’d have to be blind not to see it,” he brought his quill up to point towards where she was sat, “she kept getting closer to you, and her hand was,” pointing at the table, “a centimetre away from yours, and Merlin, ‘I knew you could help’,” doing an impression of her higher-pitched voice, “she could’ve just said she wanted to shag you, honestly.” He never knew Regulus to be such a carbon copy of his brother, the analysis of the situation left Evan and Remus laughing for a good five minutes before Ms. Pince’s sharp glower was aimed at them.

“That was the third person to come up to you about assignments, why don’t you just like start a club or something?”

“Ha, what, like a swotty little study club?”

“Not that swotty if they’re asking for your help anyways,” and Remus had no response for Regulus’ valid observation. “Mhm, maybe Baby Black, maybe.”

“Merlin, I’m my own person Lupin.”

//

It was nearly ten, and Remus decided on staying with the Slytherin’s, going to the dorm would only result in questions that he was currently too tired to answer - though a night’s worth of sleep, and breakfast would help him. “You coming, Baby Black?”

“Yes I am Wolfy McWerewolf,” his monotonous voice consistent. “Wh- H-”

“Ease it Loops, figured it out second year myself, the others only a couple months ago. I’m more intelligent than you give me credit for.” And he very well couldn’t argue with that.

Evan and Barty asleep in their bed, Pandora doing something with these multicoloured rocks, much like the ones in Xeno’s dorm, and Dorcas was snuggled up in the velvet green armchair, between Barty and Pandora’s beds, despite having her own bed.

Regulus and Remus sat against Regulus’ headboard, each reading a separate book; the two had a shared affinity for reading, and especially in their preference in muggle literature. Eventually Regulus set his book down on his bedside table, neat and organised, and settled his head on Remus’ shoulder. “Figured I could trust you, Evan doesn’t just fuck anybody, you know?”

Caught offguard by the crude statement, he laughed out of shock, “Haven’t fucked, no, ‘m not gay,” to which Regulus hummed, seeming not entirely convinced. “Yeah right, whatever Lupin.”

“Mhm it’s true Black,”

“You sure Sirius won’t get enraged at us?”

“Why should he care?”

“Jus’ you know,” he hummed, turning to get something out of his bedside table, “spliff?”

“Wow, baby black smokes spliffs? Quite the rebel, yeah go on then,” taking it out of Regulus’ fingers, taking out his silver lighter.

“Not everybody is as preposterous as Sirius to flaunt their wrongdoings about.” Remus found himself speechless, well he was right.

Inhaling the smoke into his lungs, they spoke of anything and everything - Slytherins weren’t all that bad. “D’ you ever wanna just leave?”

“Mhm, what do you mean?”

“Just run away. From everything. School, magic, family, all of it.”

“More than once, Lupin, it’s inevitable to think about, I’d never do it, I don’t think.”

“Really? Me neither, ‘d be scared shitless to do so,”

Remus was high, fuck he was high. Which explains why does what he does next.

“You ever kissed anybody, Regulus?”

“Mhm no. Why?”

“Ha, wanna practise for your big day?”

“Oh.”
“Yeah sure why not.” And well, that’s what he wasn’t really expecting. Before he knew it, he was kneeling before Regulus, hands on his neck. “Mhm, you sure?”

“Don’t make me rethink it Lupin,”

“So rude,” he giggled. Smoke from his last puff flowing into Regulus’ mouth before he locked his lips on the boy under him.

//

Over before anything really happened, they both laid on the mattress, billows of smoke above them as the cool breeze from outside drafted in. “I’m not in love with you.”

“Ha, never said you were. We can still be mates, I’m still mates with people I’ve kissed.”

“Were we ever really mates? And am I the first one you passionately made out with, whilst high, in a bed?”

“Yeah we’re mates, and well, ha, got me there, but first time for everything.”

Silence fell over them, somehow nobody had woken up, thankfully.

“How many people have you kissed Remus?”

“Mhmm, let me think,” he replied, not missing the murmur, ‘fucking slag’, from Regulus. Lily. Seaside Girl. Elliott. Evan. Elijah. Barty. Claudia (God I forgot about her, should talk to her soon), and now Regulus. Eight. Okay, that’s a bit of a concerning number on second thought.

“Eight,” to which Regulus choked on the smoke in his lungs, “Merlin’s balls,” he hated Wizarding expletives, “you are a fucking slut. Only like Barty, not a good thing, has kissed that many people. Merlin, you’re only in fifth year.” Once again, Regulus was entirely right.

//

22nd November 1975

Standing in lines for the monthly Hogsmeade visit, he stood amongst his roommates. He had left the Slytherin dorm room at around five in the morning to get to his dorm early, take a shower (to get rid of the smell of weed that clung onto him like hell),and get ready by the time the rest of the boys woke up, to avoid incessant questioning.

They’d gotten there just on time, only delayed five minutes by Sirius’s, ‘My hair is falling flat, Merlin what did I do to deserve this’, despite the fact that Remus thought it looked perfectly lovely, and Peter’s, ‘Five more minutes mum, just five mo-’ cut off by his own snoring.

Remus had only gotten permission to go to Hogsmeade from Lyall with the grilling ultimatum of all O’s - he had his work cut out this year. “Whatta you thinking about Rem,” James’ voice cut through the encompassing murmur and conversation of the upperclassmen. “Ooo, who you thinking about?” A teasing smirk ripped through his face, his eyebrow raised in question.

“No-one, don’t worry James, you’re always first in my heart,” and with an exaggerated kiss on the cheek, he smacked James’ arse and left in search of Lily.

//

“Rem, Remus, Moony,” Sirius’ chant broke through the crowd, his voice louder than everyone’s combined. “Rem, Remm- Oh there you are,” grabbing Remus from behind, manhandling to turn him around and pull him into a hug. “Where’d you go?”

“Jus’ with Lily, James was pissing me off,” a sharp glare in James’ direction, returned with a dopey smile that was hard not to forgive. Settling beside Remus, his hand in the other’s pocket, he glared at James, “remind me why I’m friends with that big fat oaf?”

“I say we leave the big fat oaf and go to Honeydukes,” a lingering shared gaze, as Remus’ lips curved into a smirk, leaving Sirius only one thing to do; take the boy to Honeydukes.

//

The bell signalling their entrance, all he could feel was chocolate, literally everything. Remus really only had three loves in life: Eli’s spliffs, reading and chocolate.

With these three things, his mood would be instantly swapped with nothing but pure glee - seeing as he was a werewolf with something seriously wrong with him, he enjoyed the constant glee. Honeydukes was a guaranteed merchant of at least one of his virtues, and fucking hell they had a lot of it. In every form, every flavour (despite the fact that he refused any chocolate with things inside, other than honeycomb, he thought it abhorrent), every shape - it was Remus’ atheistic view of heaven.

“We have t-”

“One second ahead of you,” and at that,an employee at the chocolate haven walked over to Sirius with a fucking ginormous crate. What the ever-loving fuck is going on?

“This,” he knocked on the crate with an animated smile, “is for you.”

“Honeycomb, milk, dark, couple of chocolate frogs, you know just your favourites,” if I’ve ever wanted to kiss Sirius Black, it would be right fucking now.

“What, why, wait what?” Dumbfounded, he wondered why the fuck Sirius would just get him a crate of bloody chocolate.

“Just a gift, you know missed you, you’ve been with,” he took a sigh and paused, “people and just you know,” he himself seemed a bit confused as to why he’d done it - his cheeks tinted with rose.

To put the poor boy out of his misery, he took the crate out of his hands, “Cheers Sirius, seriously,” a hand on the other’s back as he reduced the size of it, putting it into his bag, took Sirius’ hand and left the shop - surprisingly short, yet satisfying visit.

//

“N- No Peter, it wasn’t like that,” emphasising the last word, James had been on about how Lily had almost accepted to join James on a visit to the Three Broomsticks.

“Well it is, all of us and Marlene, and Mary would’ve been here,” he sighed, taking a sip of his butterbeer, “she’s basically fucking Lupin.”

“Woah, no not at all. Take a fucking break lad,” utterly shocked from the implication, he took a sip of his own non-wizarding brand of beer. The Three Broomsticks had never been ones to check the students’ ages, but they would steer clear of serving fourth year and under, actual alcoholic beverages.

Sirius and Remus had just left Flourish and Blotts - though it was more of Remus really shopping - when they had seen James and Peter take a booth at the Three Broomsticks and thought to join.

“Actually, Remus, do you think she fancies me?”

“Well, lad, doesn't seem half like it,” much to the amusement of Sirius and Peter, though James looked nothing but dismayed. “You’ll pull as many of our Remus here one day, don’t fret about it,” Peter ruffled the others' hair as Sirius hurriedly rushed into a very exaggerated account of their Hogsmeade trip.

Chapter Text

When the wind blows and the rain feels cold

With a head full of snow, with a head full of snow

In the window, there's a face you know

Don't the nights pass slow, don't the nights pass slow

19th December 1975

The night before they’d leave for Christmas holidays, the night before seeing Eli, the night before Hackney, Remus was with the Slytherins.

Leaning against the headboard, with Evan and Barty at his feet, basically sat on top of each other, and Regulus beside Remus. “How’s home gonna be baby?”

“Baby?” Evan’s voice held a teasing tone, though was entirely ignored.

The nickname came only from Baby Black; Regulus thought it hilarious to light the fire of rage in his brother, and it would probably get Sirius to come clean.

“Mhm, yes I’ll be alright, should watch out for Sirius though.” The group felt the rigid end to his sentence, icy cold words, and dropped the subject. Passing the spliff, Remus blew out the smoke and read the clock, ‘9:02’. “Should be headed back now,” he pushed himself off of the bed, rubbing his eyes as making way for the door.

“Bye Loops,” the chorus of voices chanted as he waved them off.

//

“‘Lright Pete?” He had seen Peter arriving at the Gryffindor common room at the same time as him, “Yeah, was jus’ with Sybill, you?”

“Evan and Barty,” he spoke back as he stepped through the entrance.

“Don’t tell Sirius that, he’d have your ‘ead.” Punctuated by Remus’ chuckle, he did often wonder why Sirius hated him talking to them; they walked towards the fire, surrounded by their friends. James and Marlene engaged in a chess match that Marlene was tragically losing - James was easily the best at chess, though Remus was the only one that could beat him. Sirius was settled in the crimson arm chair, besides the window, and Lily and Mary were nestled under woven blankets on the couch.

He settled himself between Sirius’ legs, Peter between the couch and airchair, though also on the floor. “Doesn’t feel like a third of our fifth year, does it?” Lily’s sentimental voice breaking the comfortable silence, only harbouring the noise of the cracking fire, and Marlene losing her shit.

“No, it doesn't really. OWL’s will be so soon, then only two years,” Mary’s voice drifting off as she seemed lost in thought, alongside Lily.

Sirius’ hands had been carding through Remus’ curls, the latter leaning his head back into the other’s lap. “Merlin, ladies, don’t be so glum! These are the prime years of our lives, now who wants to get shitfaced for fun,” his grin manic and intoxicating all at once.

//

Two bottles of firewhiskey drained by the group, they had returned to their original seating, though Marlene and James had moved to sit in front of the couch - the group comfortably encircling the fire.

“Smash or pass?” A grinning Mary brought the bottle to her lips, took a swig and settled it down. A collective groan passed through the group, though they knew that they’d end up playing regardless.

“Ja- Oi James, Kiss, Marry, Kill: me, Sirius or Lily?” Well, this is gonna end up exactly how everyone thinks it will.

“Merlin, well obviously, Kiss Sirius, Marry my darling Lily,” punctuated by a kiss blown through the air to an amused Lily, glaring daggers into his soul, “and kill you.”

“Love you Jamesie,” a tipsy Sirius leaving a wet kiss on James’ cheekbone.

“Okay well, Siri,” a wink very unappreciated sent in Sirius’ direction, “Kiss, Marry, Kill: Peter, James and Remus?” Her smile lingered on his name, a knowing glare shared by Mary and Lily.

“Merlin Mary, you can’t REALLY expect me to be able to answer this?” She just raised her eyebrows in response.

“Well, Merlin Mary.”

He brought a finger to his head, itching as though he were animatedly deep in thought; taking a heaping swig from the bottle, he felt floaty, he hadn’t drunk in a bit. It was around eleven, the dorm monitor probably deep in sleep, ready to leave as early as possible tomorrow morning.

Truthfully, Remus wasn’t too thankful to go home - of course he’d be excited to see Elijah and spend the time with him - the Marauders’ were truly back in full force, their pranks steadily getting along, as well as their new project coined, the Marauders’ Map. He and Lily, and Marlene as a new addition, had been studying for copious amounts of time, and Merlin they were prepared. He’d been enjoying time with the Slytherins’, any of them really. He, Evan and Barty obviously had their ‘fun’ together, though time with Regulus was, too, time well spent. They’d grown quite close in the month they had been speaking, and they’d been joined with Dorcas and Pandora a handful of times as well. The Slytherins’ really weren’t bad at all.

Suddenly, his inner monologue had been interrupted by Sirius’ booming clap.

“Witches and wizarding kind alike, after much time and deliberation, I’ve come to a decision regarding Madame. Mary’s,” a spiteful glare aimed at the girl in question, “proposal. So,” another clap, “I have chosen to.”

A drumroll initiated by James, that carried through the rest of the group, the rhythm rampant in their beating hands.

“Kiss, Sir. James Potter,” a beaming smile sent to Sirius, “Marry, Sir. Remus Lupin,” a bemused smirk sent to Sirius, “and kill,” a hand brought to his heart, the other to his eye to imitate the wiping of a tear, “my darling Sir. Peter Pettigrew,” a gasp erupted from the boy referenced.

“How could you Sirius,” shock emphasised in each syllable, “I’m ever so sorry my love, I couldn’t not return James’ favour, and Merlin I’d be nothing but a fool to refuse marriage to the ever-elusive, darling Remus Lupin,” punctuated by a wink, and that Sirius Black grin sent in his direction. Fuck, why’s it so hot all of a sudden?

“I suppose that’ll be acceptable Sir. Sirius, I appreciate the honesty,” as he pulled Sirius down to the ground from his elevated standing on the table.

“Fucking,” interrupted by his own giggles, “wanker.”

//

“Marauders’ Meeting now please guys,” James’ whining voice came from, under his bed?

“Lad, what’re you doing?”

“Where’s the bleeming map?”

“Remus’ bag, he was finishing it earlier, he’s the only one who could do the charm.”

“Oh,” his bespeckled face, rather animatedly, peeking out from under his bed, looking up at Peter who was sitting on James’ bed. Pulling himself out from under there, he jumped onto his bed, legs across Peter’s lap.

“Remus, darling, map?”

“Not your darling,” he spoke as he tossed the map over to the other’s bed.

“Not his fault you're the closest he can get to Lily,” Sirius’ giggling came from behind the bathroom door, stepping out, having neglected his shirt.

His chest, a pale expanse, his torso, lean with muscle, fuck his hands would sit so perfectly there. Shoulders, broad, his arms muscular, just the right amount.

He wondered how his hands would feel, feeling down his chest, holding his waist, his mouth on his ar-

“Rems, you alright?” A quirked brow shot towards him, a perfect grin accompanying it.

“Mhm,” clearing his throat, “great.”

He grabbed his spliffs from his bedside drawer, flicked up the flame from his lighter, and took an inhale as quickly as he could.

“Why don’t you just magic the flame, know you can, you swot,” a light punch on his forearm, as Sirius settled himself beside Remus on his bed.

“Like the lighter innit,” tossing the lighter into Sirius’ lap. Steady, ivory fingers tracing the curves of the lighter, tracing each scratch it has harboured on its silver body, tracing the engravings. “Eli, huh” he murmured, the words seeming to leave a bitter taste in his mouth. He tossed the lighter back to Remus, the force behind the action apparent, as he leaned and sat on the floor between the two beds, between Remus’ legs.

Weird. He was far too tipsy for this.

He jumped off the bed, lying on the floor, “‘d you mind?” Receiving a nod, he settled his head in Sirius’ lap, exhaling the smoke to the side of him.

“Alright, so who’s coming to mine for Christmas?” James’ house was practically all of their houses by now. Peter lived quite close so he had been visiting since second year. Lyall had insisted that Remus accept the invitation to their home, ‘Don’t be so damn ungrateful for everything boy, just go. You don’t do much here anyways.’ Sirius was granted a visit during Christmas, his parents would seem nice if described as controlling. No less than sociopathic, he could only sleep over one night, usually Christmas Eve, though he must be back at Grimmauld Place by no after seven in the evening.

“Mom’ll let me, will have to go back for Christmas dinner though,” Peter grumbled at the end. The Potter’s cottage wasn’t really a cottage; moreso a fucking mansion. Christmas day there was nothing short of magical, decorations lined every square inch of the property, copious amounts of gifts for everybody. James’ relatives and family friends swarmed the house, though it was nothing but homely. Dinner was absolutely marvellous, various dishes, both ones standard at a Christmas dinner, and others from his Indian heritage. Fleamont and Euphemia were a perfect couple, and fucking hell they could cook.

“I’ll be there,” Sirius’ voice, unusually quiet, peeped through the silence, bringing Remus back to reality. “Wish I could be there, really, but, got to be with my mom’s family, in Wales, this year.”

It wasn’t a total lie. Yes, his mom had died when he was six, but God he isn’t a complete liar. Lyall had refused him the yearly awaited visit to the Potters’ cottage, apparently, ‘that boy, the one you get up to all this nonsense with. He’s not your friend, I doubt that other bloke is either’.

“Always forget your half Welsh, bleeming sheep,” Sirius commented, ruffling the other boy’s hair. “Piss off,” swatting his hands out of his hair.

“You know you fight like you’ve been married for the past century,” Peter quirked a brow, the two boys looked at each other and then back at Peter, “anyways, James, what’s the meeting for, I’m fucking knackered.”

“Mhm, yes,” he said around the chocolate frog he’d found from under his bed, “Map, what’s up with the map Rem?”

Spluttering, exhaling the smoke, caught off guard, “Yeah, ‘ts alright. Got the charm and the main layout done. Just need to put in all the secret passages, and then get all the names on.”

“How’re you planning on doing that genius?”

“I’ve found all the spells, and charms, just need the time,” to which he received an applause from Sirius and James. “Good to know the swotty study sessions are paying off lad, love to see it. Now can we go to bed James, please,” the boy had his hands clasped together, outstretched in front of James.

“I suppose.”

//

20th December 1975

“Where’s Sirius?” James’ cheeks red from the chilling breeze at the early hour in the station.

“Reggie told him that they had to be home early, their parents are picking them up?”

“Reggie?”

Oh. Remus had entirely forgotten that his newfound friendship with Regulus was something that none of the Marauder’s were especially privy to.

“Sorry, Regulus, Evan mentioned that nickname once, just slipped out,” he turned to face the bustling crowd of students and parents alike, so as to not have to face James post his dreadful lie.

“Hmph,” sounding unimpressed, and entirely aware that he’d just been lied to, James seemed to forget the topic of conversation almost instantly as soon as a certain Ms. Lily Evans had interrupted his line of sight. “LILY, HEY LI-”

“You buffoon, don’t make a scene,” the fiery redhead swatted the boisterous boy in efforts to shut him up, “Oh, hiya Rem, your dad not here?”

Remus had, once again, received a letter from Lyall regarding their status of residence; it seemed as though they weren’t planning to move for a while, the area was unassuming, yet raucous enough so as to not seem like a hiding place, “Mhm, taking the train,” he said, as he waved the envelope, sealed with wax.

Lily was the only person who had any slight glimpse as to what Remus’ home life truly consisted of; she knew that Lyall was a right miserable git, and that they moved quite often, though she was unaware of anything beyond that.

She offered him a reassuring smile, before-

“Hiya Jamie, I’m guessing this is Remus and Lily,” the smooth voice of Fleamont Potter, was something akin to how Remus felt like when he entered the library, appearing from beside James, his shoulders releasing tension that he didn’t know he was holding. Fleamont was tall, and strong, his shoulders framing the silhouette of a prestigious Quidditch seeker in terms of Hogwarts history. Chocolatey skin, with warm brown eyes, his smile was that of a man who was born to be a father - he enveloped Remus into a hug once he’d said his greetings to Lily, who stuttered and went red at the sight of him. “You alright son? Coming for Christmas?”

“Yes, quite alright Mr Po-”

“I’ll have none of that mister nonsense, practically my son,” ruffling the boy’s hair.

“Sorry,” he muttered sheepishly, “I really wish I could come, but I’ll be spending Christmas with my mother’s family,” to which Fleamont offered a warm smile.

“That’s quite alright, send her, and your father my wishes, look out for an owl son,” a grin taking over his expression, the same grin that fashioned James’ face prior to something he should definitely not be doing. “Thank you Monty,”

“Now, we must get going, it’s been nice to see you, Remus, Lily. Heard a lot about you,” to which James swatted his father’s arm as Lily giggled, turning furiously red, “Have a great holiday, we’ll see you soon.” The chorus of the Potters’ turned into a murmur as they nestled their way through the crowd.

“Guess I’ll be off now,” he wrapped his arms around her, her head tucked under his.

“Love you Lils, bye,”

“Love you too, don’t get another bleeding tattoo Rem,” her chuckle dissipating as he waved her off, and made his way through the crowd, to the station.

Chapter Text

I really can't stay (Oh, baby don't hold out)

Ah but it's cold outside

Baby come back

20th December 1975

“Posho’s back in Hackney,” the booming voice disrupted any thought that was going through Remus’ mind. Before he could turn to face the prick, he was tackled to the ground by the familiar raven-haired boy.

“Sod off,” the insult was nothing but lighthearted, he pushed the other boy off, standing up. Stretching out his hand to help him up. “Didn’t know you’d be back so soon,” panting, he produced the smirk that Remus had missed for four months; it felt like he hadn’t been gone at all.

The train ride was mind-numbingly boring, the carriages strictly prohibited smoking, Remus had forced himself to do his assigned work - figuring he wouldn’t have had time to do it any other day, he got the majority of it done there - much to the strange looks he was given by others. He’d gotten off at around six in the afternoon, due to the British skies, it was already pitch black, the only light being the eerie flickering lights at every corner or bend. Remus recognised that he was only a minute or so away from Elijah’s place, so he figured he’d pay him a visit; that was until he was jumped by the very same boy.

“Got me for two weeks, make the most of it,” winking at the shorter boy, leaving them both giggly, though Remus bet that Elijah was probably high, deduced from the glossy eyes. He looked about the same, a bit taller, and a bit longer hair. Despite his appearance seeming the same, he looked more handsome, or at least Remus thought, though he wasn’t sure why he made a note of this in his mind.

The two walked, side by side, down the pavement; the ambience of some lady screaming at her dog, kids yelling utter nonsense, and police sirens from just about every direction keeping them company. Before he knew it, they were at the foot of Elijah’s flat, to which the door was already open. “Got some mates staying for a bit,” he must’ve sensed Remus’ anxiety at the statement, “don’t worry, love you the most,” punctuated with a wink, “don’t mind them, probably fucking on the moon.”

Remus made a sound of understanding, though it sounded a lot more panicky than he had anticipated. The flat looked about the same, a bit messier, a couple more records, Remus noted, and three lads in the living room. The stench of weed, and whatever else they were smoking, insulted him the second he walked in. It was abhorrently strong, despite the door, and every other window, being wide open in the English winter. “Fucking hell,” each syllable broken up by his coughing, it genuinely hurt to smell whatever the fuck that was.

“‘Lright lads, this is Lu, make him feel welcome. Oi Jezza, pass the spliff would ya,” the latter sentence being spoken in a more hushed tone, to the boy in the trackie. His hair was shaved to the scalp, though what you could see of it was an ashy colour, his brows being slit, mute blue eyes staring back at him. The three boys raised a hand in greeting, though other than this, they didn’t really acknowledge his arrival. The boy by the window was sporting trackie bottoms, with a white singlet, cuts and bruises all over his arms. The third sat on the floor, his head beside ‘Jezza’s’ knee. His head nodding along to no apparent beat, marks on his forearm indicative of him shooting up, the same with all of the boys, Remus soon noticed. Unassuming in nature, Remus decided that they were probably all just crackheads, waiting to die from a filthy needle or OD, whichever one caught up to them first.

//

The two boys had left the others soon after they’d arrived, the others seemingly unaware that anything had gone on at all, they were fucking gone, had let them go. They soon found themselves jumping over the locked gate to a playpark; tiny, but it had swings, so obviously they had to go. Having already gone to the pub, and drank four pints each, Eli was carrying two bottles of, something that Remus wouldn’t have been able to identify in a line-up. He insisted that, ‘you’ll get fucking smashed lad’.

Ripping the lid off with his teeth, he took a swig, grimacing, and handed it over to Remus, who had comfortably settled on the swings. He brought the glass bottle to his lips, he could’ve sworn that he was drinking bleach. ”Fucking hell, what is that mate,” still holding the bottle, going for another swig.

“You’ll thank me when you can’t see straight, gotta celebrate the boy coming home,” slapping Remus on the back, as he too settled on the swings.

//

Well, he was right. It had been about two hours, he thought, since they’d arrived there. He’d caught Eli up on everything, and that meant everything. Alcohol made Remus a loose cannon, and he was shooting tonight. From Evan and Barty, to Sirius, to that one night with Regulus; if need be, Elijah was the one to call if you needed an autobiography of Remus’ shitshow of a life.

“Ha, wait, so you kissed him, but his older brother fancies you, and ‘s your best mate?” He listened attentively, though was clearly taking the piss.

“He d’nt fancy me, just weird, but yeah I s’ppose,” to which they erupted into laughter.

“Jus’ for fun though, ‘m not gay, that’d be, nah,” every syllable slurring into the next, he turned over to Eli, who didn’t look entirely convinced.

“Tsk, yeah yeah,” he brought out a spliff from his pocket, as Remus brought his lighter out of his. “Tell me how you feel after this lad,” he exhaled, passing it over to Remus.

The two sat in the amiable silence, passing the spliff, to the murmur of raucous in the area.

//

Bringing the bottle up to his eye, he looked down into it, “Eli, mate, what the ever-loving fuck is in this,” he was royally fucked.

“Ha, knew y-”

“CAN’T BE HERE AT THIS HOUR,” the bark of a pitbull, and the louder bark of a burly man disrupted the two. In an instant, and with much training, they leaped up from where they sat, Eli picking up the other bottle which sat unopened, bit the lid off, and took a hefty swig. The larger man had already picked up pace, unlocking the gate.

“SOD OFF, OLD PRICK,” he screamed into the abyss, though clearly addressing the man who was chasing them, alongside his canine.

//

With surprising pace from the plump man, the chase was around seven minutes, by which Remus felt ten times more inebriated, his legs and lungs burning. Standing, hands on his knees, attempting to find the breath he doubted he’d ever catch, “Shit’s sake, they gone yet?”

“Mhm, get up, ‘s later than I thought,” he seemed entirely unaffected by the impromptu sprint, taking out another spliff, lighting it and leading the way back to the flat.

//

22nd December

Picking up the novel, flicking to the page he had dog-eared, he began to read. Or, pretended to begin to read; the few days he had been back, had been exactly like the summer, though a lot colder. He’d grown to know the other boys a bit better, and love them in their own ways. Jezza, real name Jeremy, was sixteen, had been kicked out of his house, though it wasn’t too good to begin with anyways. He’d been friends with one of the other boys, Dylan, since primary. Dylan, seventeen, looked anything but a crackhead; chiselled facial structure, piercing brown eyes, he was fucking beautiful. He had a dirty mouth, and an even dirtier habit that had gotten him along with the rest of them. He’d known both Elijah and Jeremy since primary.

The last, Alex - fifteen, though he was turning sixteen on New Years - referred to as ‘X’ by absolutely everybody, was Elijah’s cousin, the only other family he knew. He’d phoned him up sometime after Remus’ departure from Hackney, and settled in with him. The three were brash, though especially well-hearted. Alex had shared Remus’ affinity for reading, the trips to bookstores became more frequent, their pockets staying the same weight. Dylan was amazing at cooking, which served the boys’ highs very well. They all seemed rough, truly, though they weren’t all that bad.

Alex was quite popular in the area, not for any good reason, though it served them well when it came to getting product, and especially when late out at night. Elijah had warned Remus that it wouldn’t be as safe as it was previously, that they’d have to keep a lot safer. Remus took this warning in stride, seeing as he’d only be there for two weeks, it seemed manageable; however, danger came in a different, unexpected form.

Lyall had somehow figured out the address of Elijah’s flat, where Remus frequented often, and had sent through his letters. There’s been mail from the last two days, two from Sirius, one from James, Lily and Peter; alongside various letters from school regarding his grades, and winter assignments.

“Oi, Mr. Popular’s got another bleeming letter,” he brought the envelope high above his head, waving it around as if it were a toy, before tossing it over to Remus.

“Jus’ another one of your admirers, eh?” Eli slipped in beside Remus on the sofa, spliff in hand as he changed the channel on the telly. He smirked looking at the letter, and back at Remus, nodding his head to tell him to open it.

“Oofh, Sirius, this must be fun,” his teasing tone said everything that Remus was thinking.

Dear Rem,

Hope you haven’t missed me too much (hard not too though). It’s been a proper bore here, Regulus is rather glum - no idea why, moody git. Seems to like you though, he nearly smiled when I said I was writing you, which is quite a feat for a human statue. Hope it’s nice with your mom’s family, forget where it was but I do remember the sheep - I’d quite like a sheep, I’d call it ‘Dolly’, obviously, and it would be quite nice. Should we get a Marauders’ sheep? It would bring some diversity, you know wizards and a sheep. Anyways, James said he hasn’t heard from you, so you should get on that; I know I’ll get a reply from you for sure, you know the love between us never falters, my darling. Mum’s been pissy since I got back, no idea what happened to her, she acts like you with all the fucking smoking - though you are so much more precious to me, my turtle dove (not sure what that is, but it sounds right) - a filthy habit you must quit to prolong our life-long unionship in marriage! Anyways, hope you have a good holiday Rem, bummed you can’t come to James’, we’ll miss you, but I can bet you’ll get a gift from Monty.

Sincerely, your favourite marauder (Don’t worry, I won’t tell anyone ;) ),
Sirius Black xx

//

“Bit full on lad,” Eli’s eyes scanned the paper, “what does he mean wizards, don’t tell me you do weird fucking poncy magic shows.”

“Haha, no not that, he’s just weird.”

“What’s that, there,” pointing to the farewell at the end, “ma-raw-du-rur, marauder, what’s that. Fucking hate swots with them difficult words.”

“Does his parents want him dead, wha’ type of name is Sirius anyways,” Jeremy’s voice clear from the kitchen, it was only two steps away, as he walked in with a cup of tea for Remus.

“Yeah, well my name’s - thanks lad - fucking Remus so I can’t say much.”

“HAHA, no you cannot Ree-mus, no you cannot,” Eli giggled, snapping the end off of the chocolate bar in Dylan’s hand. He reached up from the floor, swatting the other boy in the chin, highest he could reach.

Chapter Text

So this is Christmas

And what have you done?

Another year over

And a new one just begun

24th December 1975

James, Lily; ha, stupid polaroid from Pete. Mhm, he thought to himself, no Sirius. His letters had been coming through the number six letterbox for three days, usually the same rotation of four names; strange seeing as Sirius had promised to write again before Christmas.

“Does anyone want a cuppa?”

The chorus of agreements rang in the air, “I love having a lass in the house,” Jeremy winked at Remus, much to the mirth of the others.

Popping the kettle on, he got the four requested mugs out; he’d learnt how everybody took his tea the first morning when he was nominated as the housewife of the group. He produced a fag from the packet lying open on the countertop, lighting it with the gas stove, and settled his forearms on the windowsill, chin resting in his hands, looking out onto the chilly city.

He’d been here for four days, which might’ve not seemed like a lot, but it felt like he’d never left. The boys, the antics, all of it - it felt like home. It felt odd to Remus, strange that he’d feel comfortable in a place for once, especially somewhere so unassuming. The constant yelling, cigarette butts, police cars, and officers, rampantly knocking on doors, and nosey neighbours. It seemed like the pits, truly, yet it still felt like home. Among the raucous, he had a home, with the boys, with Eli, even with the corner shop guy who gave up on chasing them. It felt comfortable, like somewhere he could always return to - it almost felt like betrayal when it came to the group back at school, he loved them too, truly, but it was different back here. He preferred it immensely - no worry of grades, or turning in assignments, no mixed feelings, or unrequited emotions, no responsibilities, or expectations, no magic, or werewolves. It was freeing honestly; he felt different here, he felt more like himself. The boys knew him well, despite the short stay so far, honestly better than some of the people back at school. He secretly dreaded going back, he’d made such a ho-

“Oi, Rem, ‘ts gonna get cold at this point lad.”

//

“ ‘m gonna have to go back tomorrow,” he countered when discussing plans for tomorrow.

“You're still coming back though, innit?”, to which he nodded, much to the relief of Elijah.

“Well, that just means that we’ll have to give him his g-”

“Fucking knobhead, s’ppose to be a surprise,” head in his hands, he softly shook his head before bringing the tab back to his mouth.

“Aw, you got me a gift, you little softie,” he hugged Eli obnoxiously tight, ruffling his hair, smothering him in kisses.

“Get off me you big fairy,” pushing him off, gently.

“Mhm, I’ll make it a quick trip, I’ll be gone and back before you know it,” taking the spliff from Dylan’s hand, settling his beer down, and leaning against the sofa.

//

25th December 1975, but it’s midnight

Awaking in the flat felt strange given he didn’t have a hangover - they were almost a custom in this place. Propping himself up he felt a strange feeling in his chest replace the sickly feeling that usually accompanied his stomach - he felt fucking weird. It was a sort of existential dread, and he felt fucking drained, he could feel it weighing on his heart - he felt like his heart was in a cage somewhat.

Fuck that, it’s Christmas Day. He knew it was probably nothing, probably just the fags and drink getting to him. He picked himself up off the floor as he wandered into the kitchen - nothing a little caffeine and spliff can’t fix, which is exactly when he remembered that his father had mentioned visiting the Manor, and Remus would rather not get further into Lyall’s bad side, though Lyall sounded almost mad when mentioning visiting the Manor - what was gonna happen? Not to mention, he was chuffed to go to the Manor, it was miles better than the naff flat that Lyall had sacked him into; it felt a bit more like home, he was used to it there. And by the time his running train of thought had come to an untimely end, the kettle had finished and he got to lighting the spliff.

//

“Oi, Lu, don’t youse have to go back later t’day?” The husky voice came from the living room - they had all fallen asleep relatively early, Remus opting to sleep in a different room; drugged up teens weren’t notorious for healthy sleeping schedules. ”Yeah, around six or summit, want a cuppa?”

“‘Course I do darling,” to which he pulled the mugs out of the cupboard and got to work. Settling them down on the table ahead of them all, it was sort of nice, almost homely, about them all at this hour of the day - who knew that the most boisterous, hedonistic boys you knew could be so soft, y’know? The dread in his heart hadn’t gone yet, though he was sure his father would replace it with the rage from something he’d say at some point or another, so he ignored it. Though he did wonder when the next letter from Sirius would come, he missed talking to Sirius, he missed how it felt talking to him, the undivided attention, though in a friendly manner of course.

“Right, so,” punctuating the beginning of the sentence with a clap, Elijah stood up in front of all the boys, though to the side so as to not disrupt whatever shit soap they were watching. “Since our Lu here is gone so early for Christmas,” he bent down to ruffle the boy’s hair, before assuming the role of spokesperson again, “I think we should give him his gift.”

”What’d you think, boys?” To which the other three all agreed with the utmost enthusiasm, what the fuck was this gift? “Right, can I enquire upon what this gift exactly is?”

“Not with words like ‘enquire’ you fucking can’t,” though the words gained volume as Elijah left the room, meandering to the bedroom. The four boys sat in anticipation, three empty mugs of tea on the table as Dylan polished his off. The noises from the other room echoed that of a robbery if Remus was to be entirely honest, slamming closet doors and cupboards - he began to wonder just how much furniture was in that room that Remus had entirely missed. “X WHERE’D YOU PUT IT?”

“Stupid toff,” Alex made his way into the room, the two booming voices reduced to angry whispers, and before he knew it, they were in the living room again - like a miracle Top of the Pops had just turned on too. This meant that Remus had only an hour left before he had to make his way back.

“‘Lright Lu, close your eyes,” Eli’s face displayed the utmost joy at giving this gift - what a softie. With eyes closed, he leaned against the sofa when something ‘big’ and cold got placed in his lap. “Open up lad!”

In his lap lay, genuinely, the most beautiful guitar he had ever seen: a bloody red body with a dark wooden fretboard and an ebony, decorated pick guard; he was sure that it was stolen though it was pristine. “Mate this is fucking beautiful.”

“Ah, really, thought it were naff personally.” Remus settled the guitar down as he tackled Elijah to the ground - he had to make good of the next hour with these boys, he truly did love this place and all of them, especially Elijah.

//

“When’d your da say he was getting here?”

“Said the driver would be a couple minutes,” Lyall refused to drive Remus around, which seemed quite petty for a middle-aged man to be frank. Stood against a concrete fence alongside Elijah, they’d only just gotten there to be dragged back to the manor - he was already awaiting the next visit home again. He attempted to dress nicely to some regard, Oxford shirts and all - the guitar case in his hand, the other holding a duffel bag, looked wholly inappropriate, but what did he care?

“Gonna miss you,” he sounded a bit sad if Remus was being honest.

“I’ll miss you too. Be back before you know it though,” he ended with a warm smile.

“Ugh you’re getting me emotional Lu, put them down,” without a seconds delay he complied, before he got dragged into a hug by Elijah. “‘S not the same without you, y’know?”

“Yeah I get it, could always sneak you into the school though?” he pulled back ever so slightly, both both doubling over into laughter, for different reasons.

“Crazy you are mate, ‘m not going that far up North.”

“Suit yourself,” he smacked the other on the arm. Suddenly from the distance, they both whipped their heads around as they heard Dylan shout for Elijah, something important. “Shit,” he sounded mildly concerned but more disappointed to leave Remus so prematurely.

“Nah it’s alright, go ahead, I’ll ring you when I get there,” to which Elijah sighed with a sad smile. “Guess so, lemme give you something.”

“Fuck off Eli wh-,” in a series of movements that were far too quick to catch up with, Elijah shoved a pack into Remus’s pocket, pulled him into a hug, kissed him on the cheek and jogged off.

//

White ceilings painted the view above him, those bland, beige walls trapping him in this square, day in day out for the next week. His bedroom at the manor was a dull place - it didn’t scream Remus, though he doubted that any place around the world really captured him, it was hard to pinpoint the boy who was a mystery to himself. Prior to today, the bed hadn’t been so much as laid a finger upon in over a year, a thin sheet of dust that Remus couldn’t be bothered to deal with had settled too. No photos nor frames, no trinkets nor books, no records or even CDs - the room was barren from anything relating to the boy that spent any time in there at all.

Tired of laying on the bed, mindlessly wondering and staring at the beige lampshade, he jumped off the bed and started to rummage under it for something. He felt nothing except dust for a bit until; his fingers reached a latch and they pulled with all the force they could muster up. He stood up and wiped the dust off of his hands, and pulled the box up - box wasn’t the right word for it, crate suited it better. The crate was the only viable holding place for all this stuff, his mom had used one that they had when they moved from Wales to London, a month before she had passed.

//

“What’s this?” The small boy asked, eyes wide in curiosity as he dragged his hands over it.

“This, my little moon, is for you,” her words beamed with love, her smile enforcing the message.

“A.. crate?”

“Not just a crate, silly, look inside,” she held his hands and guided them to the latch at the top. He pulled it up, pushed it down, and left and right, twisted it in a circle. “Honey, you just have to twist it left.”

“Oh, right.”

Once her hands had revealed the crate open, he leaned his head over it, wincing as his neck filled with pain, but the curiosity was too much to bear. The woman’s hands pulled an envelope out of the box, “this is for you darling, when you’re older.”

“How old?”

“Mhm, sixteen okay?”

“But that’s in ages! Why can’t you just give it to me before?”

“Baby that’s the thing okay. I don’t want you to get upset, okay?”

The boy let out a sheepish noise of acknowledgement as his mom lifted him into her lap - he looked into his eyes for an explanation and that’s exactly what he got.

“Okay Remus, the doctor’s said that I’m very quite ill-”

“Oh no, do you need anything?”

“Oh no my darling, it’s alright really. But I am quite ill, and I just want you to have these things in case anything goes awry.”

“A what?”

“Wrong, if anything goes wrong.”

“But what would go wrong ma?”

“I might not get better and you know darling, I don’t want to say it. The same thing happened to my dad.” Oh. Oh.

In some ways that was the beginning of the end for Remus - in some ways it was just another thing that showed that the beginning of his life was when it should’ve ended.

//

He sat down beside it, making sure that if anybody had opened the door they wouldn’t see it. He twisted the latch to the left and pulled it open. It had all sorts that his mom wanted him to have: CDs, books, a letter, photos, trinkets. Remus always wondered what his mom would think of him now - what she would really think? Would she still love him, or would it have become something more sour, more bitter, because of Lyall? It was a question that lingered in his mind often, when he couldn’t sleep, when he was studying, basically all the time.

He dragged out the letter, the envelope reading, ‘My Remus, for your 16th’. His sixteenth was the year later, so he decided in his best interest to take it back to school and open it as soon as the clock hit midnight.

His taste for music, and subsequently literature, had sprouted from his mother - the same music, the same bands, the same lyrics spoke to them, the same authors, or philosophers, the same stories or plots. His mother and him were alike in ways that he hates not being able to live with now.

He decided it was too somber to keep divulging into his memories, God forbid he look through the photos. He shut the crate, pushed it into the furthest corner under his bedframe, put the letter into his case for school and switched the record playing to the B-side. Speaking of letters, he wondered why Sirius hadn’t sent any.

///

25th December 1975

It was a rather dull affair. Lyall had never been especially warm, nor inviting though most would assume that at least he would attempt to make the day some sort of enjoyable for his son on Christmas - people never knew much about his family. Christmas used to be at least slightly more preferable to this; the housekeepers were nice enough. One of them, the third to his memory, would always try to make it a tolerable event though her stay at the Lupin estate was ephemeral; usually the housekeeper would get fired for some stupid reason or another, things like, ‘the tea had far too much milk, it was inedible!’ or ‘what type of woman can’t bring her employer the bloody paper, Christ’s sake!’, or some variation of the most pretentious complaint.

He’d been sitting on the windowsill for the last three hours, it was eleven in the morning. Having finished three books, and all his extended reading for the next term, he was bored out of his fucking mind. Lyall was getting home at three, his face expressing a sour feeling, so Remus was sure that whatever was in store would be fucking wonderful for him - anything that grinded Lyall’s gears was sure to make Remus ecstatic.

//

Sat at the grand piano, surrounded by wall length windows, Remus played the only song he knew. He wasn’t very proficient at piano - music theory was never his thing. Despite this, his mother had taught him just one song, she promised to teach him more though the time had passed quicker than either of them would’ve hoped. She was far more musically inclined than Remus, or anybody he knew for that matter - she had hoped to become a pianist in her youth, to play across Europe, though it was only a matter of time until her hopes were replaced with a husband and a house that she could never call home.

His fingers pressed down on each key, each chord played was just like having his mother with him again. Like always, his mood soon turned sour as he heard Lyall open the front door, sighing as he took off his coat and made way for his office. Confused as to why the door didn’t shut behind him, Remus got off the stool, tucking it closer to the piano as he walked over to the front door, through the kitchen and other rooms that he never bothered to learn what they were called for he was well aware that it was all just posh nonsense to disguise the greed of having just another room in the house.

As he peeked outside, the Aston Martin’s door had just been shut - not slammed, but shut - as a taller man made conversation with the driver as he picked up his case. The two men outside seemed unaware of Remus’s appearance so he decided to make it known. “Hello Clem,” Remus and the driver were closer than he was with Lyall, to no-one’s surprise - he was a kind gentleman who acted more of a father than Lyall could ever aspire to become. As the words left his mouth, Clement smiled politely in response as the other man turned to look at Remus - he looked as though he had seen a ghost, “My goodness, is that you Remus?”

Perplexed as to who this man was, and why he was in such shock at Remus’s presence, he smiled, politely saying, “Ha yes, but forgive me who are you?” The man chuckled in response as he walked over to Remus, pulling him into an entirely unprovoked hug, “I’m your uncle, son.”

My fucking uncle? Since when did I have an- Oh, OH MY GOD. “Fucking hell, uncle Denny!”

The expletive clearly took Dennis by surprise as he fell into a bout of laughter, “That’s me lad. Sorry for having only come now, I would’ve seen you sooner but your father’s a right sort.”

“Isn’t that true.” The two made their way inside, Clement following soon after to do whatever Clement does in his spare time. The two fell into conversation easily, Remus examining his uncle’s face and seeing all of the blaring similarities between him and his mother. With the Welsh voice responding back to him, he felt like he was at home - he hadn’t felt that way in a while. Time passed easily and before he knew it, some woman had entered the room.

//

“This is my wife, Elena,” the brunette woman shook her head playfully at Remus’s attempt to shake her hand as she pulled him into a hug, “I’ve heard a lot about you Remus, pleased to meet you at last,” her smile infectious.

She brought out Christmas dinner - the manner in which this day had passed was rather unorthodox though Remus couldn’t be mad in the slightest.

//

“We must get going now, before your dad kicks us out,” the three laughed in response.

“Oh, Denny, before we forget. Remus, we’ve something for you,” the couple looked pleased and well excited for this gift though Remus felt wholly unprepared, “Oh no you mustn’t, I would've gotten you something too.”

“Don’t be silly, we haven’t visited, it’s only right we try to pay back some of the debt; I’ve a feeling you’ll like this one,” the two grinned as they ushered Remus to follow him to the front door where lay Dennis’s case. He bent over as he unlatched the top, revealing random things, none of which Remus could specifically name. He brought out a box wrapped in brown parchment, standing up and handing it over to Remus. “This is from your mother darling, she was to give it to you on your fifth birthday,” Elena helpfully added - she was lovely, she was like having a snippet of his mother again. Her care and humour and love was something that he had missed awfully over the last decade.

He looked at the two of them once Dennis had passed over the box, both of them eagerly smiling to open it. Under watchful eyes, he unsealed the wrapping to reveal a black box; opening it, a light flicking on to reveal a cream, velvet interior harbouring a silver chain - the same he had one now, the same as the cross his mother had given him. Upon the chain lay a silver trinity knot. He pulled the chain by the pendant out of the box - the latch laid upon a silver bar with something written on it, ‘cariad’.

//

26th December 1975

Bleary eyes as the bright snow produced a fluorescent hue to the light from the sun, creeping into his window. Walking over to the bathroom half asleep, he turned on the shower, brushing his teeth and fixing his hair. The sight of the pendant warmed his heart.

//

Stubbing out the fag and tossing it out the window, Remus grabbed the glass of water on his bedside as his father yelled at him to come downstairs. Preferring to not get kicked out on Boxing Day, he made his way downstairs. Knock. Knock. Pause. Knock. “Come in,” the husky voice responded. Slipping through the doorframe, he stood ahead of his father who was sat in his chair with a glass of whiskey in hand. It’s fucking two in the afternoon, my God. Guess the apple really doesn’t fall far from the fucking ugly tree. “We will be in Hackney again Easter.”

“Okay Sir.”

His father’s eyes flicked up to face Remus, momentarily pausing on the pendant - his sour expression was left barren from any emotion. “Who gave you that?”

“Wh- Oh, erm uncle Dennis.”

“Don’t stutter boy, you’re better than that.” It was clear it wasn’t his first glass from the sway in his voice, not as convicting as usual. He stood up, clearly unbalanced, as he walked to leave the room. Remus stepped out of the way, though Lyall seemed to stop as soon as he was face to face with him. With the harsh, slightly clumsy palm leaving his cheek, his teeth were already clenched in preparation. Lyall seemed as though he didn’t know he had just done that as his hand ‘warmly’ patted Remus’s shoulder as he left the room. Well, it was gonna happen eventually.

Chapter Text

He's the little boy that Santa Claus forgot

And goodness knows, he didn't want a lot

He sent a note to Santa

For some soldiers and a drum

24th December 1975

As Euphemia finished preparing the dessert for tomorrow, she laid out all of the things she’d need for Christmas Dinner - the food that might’ve taken more time that desired was already cooked. James had just sat down with his father in the living room, an open window ahead of them displaying the Christmas tree they had put up the day James had gotten back. It was a shame none of his friends could come over; Remus was in Wales, Peter had to go to Scotland for a family emergency and Sirius was unable to leave for whatever reason. James knew to not enquire further upon it, Sirius would tell him when it was time. As he sipped the hot chocolate, rich with flavour and depth - he knew Remus would love it - an owl started pecking rather ferociously at the window. Monty settled his burgundy mug on the coffee table, making his way over to the window as he creeped it open, petting the bird and easily taking the letter in his beak.

“Jamie, says it’s for you,” handing over the letter - it was from the Black Family. James had been horribly worried about Sirius, he hadn’t gotten a letter since the beginning of the holidays and to his knowledge, neither had any of the other Marauders’. In cursive, ‘James P.’ was written in the darkest of ink, though the handwriting wasn’t Sirius - it was Regulus.

//

Going over the contents of the letter, over and over again, he had practically committed the words to heart. The first read was slow, almost painful - he suppressed that weird feeling that sprouted in his chest when the name, or sight, of Regulus was just about anywhere as soon as he had started reading. The words, ‘help’, ‘torched, and ‘Sirius’ were running amok in his mind - he could distantly distinguish his dad’s voice from the chaos residing in his mind. Sirius. I need to help Sir-

As if he had summoned him, the body fell out of the fireplace with an unexpected amount of force - he was unconscious. Bloody and bruised, the red marks were quickly turning raging and maroon as the boy who bared them lay silent and idle on the carpet. The scene of the warm, festive living room defaced with the beaten boy laying there. Monty silently rushed to Sirius, checking his pulse, his temperature, whether or not Sirius was alive.

James couldn’t move.

In a flurry of movement, his father rushed to the kitchen for some time. Soon his mother joined them in the living room with something in a mug - he couldn’t be sure what. He wasn’t sure what exactly was happening. He felt like he couldn’t breathe. Regulus. Sirius. What happened to Sirius? Is he alive? Merlin, is Regulus safe? What the fuck happened? He urged his body to move though he felt as though he were in a state of paralysis. Urging every nerve to feel something, every muscle to move even an inch, but nothing.

//

By five to midnight, the boy had come alive. Sirius was alive and breathing and silent, not a word. Other than the breaths leaving his mouth, he was silent and hadn’t spoken since he had come back. As he was coming back, half unconscious, he muttered random words, names - ‘James’, ‘Remus’, ‘Regulus’ in a worried tone, ‘disown’, ‘I wish’.

By half past midnight, he had begun to speak. He had briefly explained what had happened - mention of his parents discovering something, a raging woman and a violent man stood beyond him as he could do nothing but sob at what he knew was coming. The curses, the hands; he urged James’ parents that they couldn’t do anything, that he was beyond apologetic for ruining their holidays and he should get going. When asked where he would go, the boy went silent. He had explained how he had lost consciousness a second after he had run and floo’ed to the Potter cottage - the only place he could remember.

He and James were told to go to sleep - free to sleep in the following morning. With a soothing hand and soft words, Sirius had explained further. James wanted to kill them, to maim them, to end them in any way possible. He was disgusted. He was sorry to Sirius more than anything else. He had sworn to protect Sirius in any way he could, and he assured Sirius, and himself, to make good on that promise in any way possible.

25th December 1975

Woken up by the screaming voice of your mother is one way to jolt into life. James and Sirius sauntered downstairs, eyes bleary with deep sleep. They settled in the living room as the family joined them, having breakfast to ‘fuel for the big day ahead boys!’. It was relieving to see Sirius smile, to see his clear skin - free from his family’s tainted hands.

//

After a game of Quidditch with his family, and some family friends, they had all come back inside for dinner. The rest of James’ family had come over now, the house was full with life, with mirth and spirit. It was good for Sirius, he knew, but he couldn’t shake the fact that something was troubling him. Before dinner, he made a quick excuse to his mother as to why he and Sirius would be coming down a bit later - she was beyond busy, so he was waved off a hand. The two both settled down on the beds. “Sirius.”

His eyes looked up, once so full of spirit, now just desolate. “Yeah James?”

“You know what happened?”

“Would be hard to forget.”

“Why did your parents kick you out?”

He knew it was a sensitive topic, though he also knew that Sirius would tell him.

“Oh, well erm.” His fingers found the hem of his sweater, fiddling with the fabric and he thought - James knew what Sirius was doing just by looking into his eyes. He knew he was going to tell him, his only job was to be supportive and help Sirius - that’s what James did.

“Well erm, you know that thing you said about Remus?”

“What thing?”

“When he was out of the dorm, and we were talking and you asked why I cared so much where he was.”

“Wh-,” James gathered the memory in his mind, piecing together what he could be talking about, “,Oh.Oh.”

“Yeah well, erm I guess I like boys, and well I guess mother found out.” He looked hopeful that he was telling James that he could get it off of his chest. “I didn’t deny it. I should’ve. But I didn’t. I don’t know what had gotten into me. I started listing off everything about Remus that would piss her off - I feel like a cunt for implicating him.”

“Hey, it’s okay, continue.”

“Right, thanks, erm well I said how he was a half-blood, and a werewolf, and a boy and how he was just so smart and,” his voice wavered off as he rubbed his eyes with the heel of his palm. “And how he was so great, and that I, well said I loved hi- him, and shit,” he had entirely broken down by then. The boy was in pieces. James went over to sit next to him, he held his hand and rubbed his back - the boy melted into him immediately, sobbing into his shoulder. “Shit Jamie, I love him and I just got fucking disowned, and I just left Reggie. I told him to come with me bu- but he just wouldn’t. Oh James. James, what’s happened?”

Chapter Text

Close your eyes

Have no fear

The monster's gone

He's on the run and your daddy's here

Sailing away

I can hardly wait

To see you come of age

But I guess we'll both just have to be patient

29th December 1975

The buzzing of the vinyl fought the thoughts in his mind as his novel lay unread in his hand; he’d been on the same page for ten minutes. He’d woken up with that dread that had recently arrived and hadn’t seemed to leave yet. At first it was bearable, just a slight inconvenience, though now it fought his body as he tried to leave his bed. Well aware that it was any sickness, or a side effect of the monster that lay dormant within him, he tried to read up on what it could be. Unsurprisingly, his and Lyall’s combined book collection included a lot more on the political scandals and fictional tragedies than any medical conditions whatsoever. He felt like hell, no worse than hell.

He eventually dragged his body out of his bed, sauntering over to the bathroom to attempt to bring life to his body, or at least appear as though it had. The cold metallic tap releasing gushes of freezing water was unbearably loud - he shut it off within a moment's notice. Water running down his neck, trickling onto his collarbones and necklaces, he looked up to see the drained face that was presented before him. He looked awfully pale, his face gaunt and his eyes dull. He’d barely gotten out of bed yesterday either though his face reflected that of a boy who had never gone to sleep. That was another thing, the sleep, or lack thereof. Fatigued limbs dragged him down, though his mind raced through anything and everything - he just couldn’t muster up the courage, or energy, or ability to do anything.

//

By seven in the afternoon, the solemn Lupin Manor held hostage the boy who you wouldn’t have even guessed that a few hours ago was struggling to leave his bed. Eternally grateful for no spectators he’d raided Lyall’s whiskey; the only thing similar between the two was their undying affection for the distilled alcohol. He’d tossed on some Kiss album, the drums blaring through the ground floor as he tossed some more back.

And I'm tryin' baby, tryin' not to stare

He moved all across the floor, sliding as his socks moved with ease. He grabbed his coat (thank God the keys were already in there) as he grabbed Lyall’s fags.

Ooh, 'cause everybody else is here

He tossed back the last slither of liquid in the bottle as he threw it into the bin on the opposite end of the room, shit, that made it in, I should try for the Quidditch team.

Yes, everybody else is here

He pressed ‘stop’ on the vinyl player as he grabbed the vinyl, placing it on the side as he shoved his feet into his trainers, ran through the door and slammed it behind him.

//

The streets were relatively populated, seen as it drew closer to New Years there were drunkards and those alike everywhere. He didn’t mind, though the shock of the cold air and the walking had sobered him up sort of. Tired of the pavements by now, he turned into an alleyway - apparently his intoxication had led to a loss of common sense - and brought out a fag. As the lighter flickered on he noticed a group of people further down the alley. They were talking relatively hushed, though until the light sparked they hadn’t noticed his existence at all. They all turned simultaneously, which sort of freaked Remus out, however he was a bit more uneasy when one of them started walking closer to him. “Hey, got any more?” The man’s brown eyes signalled to the fag rested between Remus’s fingers. He nodded, scared to speak - he thought he was about to get abducted - as he took one out and handed it to the man, “light?” Remus lit the other man’s cigarette illuminating his face - slightly tanned skin with ruffled brown hair, as the rest of the group stared at the two - he smiled as he then stood against the wall, besides Remus as though he were already comfortable with the other.

He must’ve ushered the others to join them as they slowly got closer: three girls and two more boys. They seemed nice enough, all smiling at him, though the spikes on most of their ears and bracelets alike were slightly offputting.

//

If you asked Remus how he’d ended up in this bar, you’d hear nothing but the cars driving past. He really doesn’t know how he ended up here, but what he did know was that he was having fucking fun. Drink in hand - some girl bought it for him - he rocked his head to the music as the group he had encountered earlier were sitting around him in the cramped booth. There were rounds coming every few minutes, though he had enough self control to not partake in each one, moreso every other one. The group were quite welcoming to him despite how reserved he was when he had first met them - they were all quite nice and willing to adopt him for the night. “Hey Reeemus,” the girl whispered in his ear. He chuckled, “And hello to you Sienna,” she leaned further into him. He had finished his drink by now, as she ushered him to try this cocktail that he would ‘fucking adore’; she wasn’t wrong. They were all having their own respective conversations though Sienna had seemed to take quite a liking to Remus already, clinging onto him for the night and he didn’t really mind. The shabby clothes he was dressed in were entirely unsuitable for the occasion, then again he didn’t really envision his night ending up here.

“Remus, Remus, you must dance with me!”

“Ha, not sure about that.”

“Oh you have to, this is my favourite song,” she was basically begging at this point and Remus had enough manners to not leave a lady waiting.

“You’ve said that about every song.”

“Oh shut up, and get up!”

She dragged him out of the booth, probably knocking a glass on the floor on the way. Black hair swaying around her shoulders as she grabbed his hand and dragged him into the crowd. Before he knew it, they were screaming the lyrics, her hands moving up his back as her stormy eyes glistened in the strobe. “Hey hey, can I?” She got unbearable closer, but Remus didn’t mind - he wasn’t waiting for anything, or saving himself, and fuck when did he care about not snogging other people, he was as slaggy as he could get at this point.

She pulled him down by the collar, dragging her lips onto his, messily but who gave a shit? He brought his hands about her neck, crawling into her hair, his silky black hair. Her hands on his upper back, his hands roaming across my back. Her sweet taste of liquor and his smell of leather and rain.

//

“Well, give me your number then Remus, rude to leave a lady in waiting,” the boy, his name Freddie as he’d come to learn. “Ah right,” he scribbled it on the back of the cigarette pack as he handed it over. “Free tomorrow?”

As Remus walked closer to home, he shouted, “Always!”

Thank God Lyall isn’t home tonight.

//

31st December 1975

He got a call that evening, at around seven. He’d been in bed all day. Clement had shouted at him to get down about twenty times before Lyall had to leave - Remus never did. The British climate allowed it to be pitch black by then. On the other end was Freddie.

“Hey man.”

“Hey Freddie.”

“Wanna go out t’night? Always free, yeah?”

“Er-” Remus was aware that ‘always free’ lacked the truth that the others thought it had - of course he’d be back at school on the fourth. He’d tell them eventually. He also was unsure as to whether Lyall would be back that night - he’d hoped not, but well fuck it. “Yeah yeah, where’d you wanna meet?”

“Knew we could count on you Remus!”

//

They’d been thoroughly drunk by then. The group of them had all wanted to go to the firework display but decided that it was preposterous that they’d have to pay £10 each to attend. They’d devised to just drive past in Mike's (another boy in the group, the eldest, dating one of the others, Remus had forgotten her name) pick-up truck; they’d see it for free and get to do whatever the hell they’d please.

That’s how they’d ended up at 11:57, three cases down, driving on a desolate path just to pass by the spectacle. “Hey Fred, pass that here.”

He did so as he crawled to the back of the pick-up. It had five seats in the front, and seeing as the girls in the back had decided it was way too cold for them to be out in the open, Freddie had decided to give up his seat for the lot of them.

The music blaring from the speakers was some song by some US punk band - Remus never dabbled much into that scene.

Havin' too much fun, Babylon

“Hey Remus.”

Both of them laid, side by side, staring up at the clear sky; it was surprising that there were so many stars that you could never see back in Central. The cool December air settled onto their skin as the crowd near the display grew louder.

“Fred.”

“Gotta tell you something.” Oh God, what have I done now?

I gotta run, I can't look back

“Go on then.”

To that, the other boy sidled up closer to him, facing him. “Well, see I really have enjoyed having you with us recently.”

Remus smiled to that - confirmation that he wasn’t a nuisance was helpful.

“And well, I really fucking like you.” Oh.

“Could I," he inched his face closer, "be your New Years Kiss?”

*****

Oh. “Oh well I don’t really-”

He was cut off as the other boy grabbed him, forcing him under as he latched onto him.

He was trying to move, he really was. He was trying and well.

Remus Lupin hated being a monster, but in that moment he praised the wolf. He pushed the other boy to the side, and unable to figure out a safe escape in mere seconds, he jumped out as the car sped at 80mph on the beaten path.

*****

//

And in the middle of the celebrations, I break down

Boy, you're gonna carry that weight

Carry that weight a long time

Boy, you're gonna carry that weight

Carry that weight a long time

1st January 1976

“Do you have any idea how irresponsible this was?”

“Are you insane boy?”

“You truly are an unruly monster.”

The words sort of passed through Remus’s mind, wading through his thoughts about everything else that had happened. He was, helpfully, brought back to reality as the heavy hand made contact with his jaw, the knuckles with his shoulder and a palm to his chest leaving the boy heaving against the heavy oak door with more bruises than yesterday.

Chapter Text

Deaf, dumb and blind boy

He's in a quiet vibration land

Strange as it seems

His musical dreams

Ain't quite so bad

9th July 1971

Quiet. It was quiet. It always was at this house, if one could even call it that. Sat in his room, held hostage in those four white walls. In his nimble hands, he lay in his bed flicking through the pages as he finished each one. The full was last night, his bones truly ached. Clem had bandaged him up, each cut concealed by the white fabric. He was thankful for it, really he was, but he wished it weren’t so quiet. By some omen to the gods, Lyall had shouted his name just at that moment.

Rushing down the stairs, he was anticipating why exactly he would want him just now. He was brought to a halt as soon as he saw a robe moving out of sight into the living room. What is that? Assuming that Lyall was in there too, he sauntered hesitantly down the rest of the stairs and made his way into the living room. Before him was Lyall and some whimsical yet terrifying man sat in chestnut armchairs. “Oh well you must be Remus.” The man with ethereal white hair and glasses resting on the bridge of his nose said in a welcoming tone. “Take a seat, I won’t be long. Would you like a sweet?” He nodded.

Looking at Lyall for permission, the man nodded as Remus sat down on the chair closer to Lyall; he didn’t offer much comfort however Remus would like to be near something familiar, someone he knew.

The two men began talking of magic, the wizarding world and kind alike; Remus wasn’t too accustomed to it apart from the occasional reference when he was younger, though as soon as his mother had passed it became a topic rarely referenced, almost taboo to discuss. He had all but tuned out of the conversation until the man in robes looked at him. “Well, we’ve decided to enrol your son into Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardy for his secondary education.”

This came as a shock to both father and son; Remus bewildered and Lyall both astonished and relieved. “Well, we both know of his condition,” Lyall’s tone became hushed, “how do you plan on allowing that, or even dealing with it.”

“I assure you Lyall that we have measures in place to provide your son with both privacy and comfort related to his condition. As an alumnus of the school, you are sure to know of the values of our school?” Remus was unaware that Lyall had gone to a magic school, let alone hid it from him. He couldn’t imagine going to the same school as Lyall - walking down the same stairs and corridors, going to the same lessons.

“Yes I suppose.”

“Well, rest assured your son will be in safe hands. As for robes and the like, we will have them owled to this house just before the start of the term.” Owled?

After some more conversation regarding the logistics of it all between the two men, the older man (he’d come to discover his name was Dumbledore) stood up. “It’s been a pleasure seeing you after such time Lyall, and Remus.”

“It will be a pleasure having you in September.”

Chapter Text

Well, come on, well, come on

We've really got a good thing going

Well, come on, well, come on

If you think we're gonna make it

You better hang on to yourself

4th January 1976

Not that Remus didn’t usually enjoy getting back to school, back with the Marauders’ but this time was different - he was fucking relieved. As soon as he had gotten into the carriage, the other three boys were already there; Remus had a knack for getting to the train late. They fell into conversation almost immediately, though not before he was questioned about the blooming bruise on his jaw, thank God for the wolf.

They were all the same, all quite happy, Sirius more than usual.

“What’d you get up to then Sirius? You never replied to any of my letters.”

“Oh Peter, naive little Peter. I apologise about that, truly, but, pray tell, what did you ask?”

Accustomed to the theatrics of the boy, Peter and Remus sighed, though Peter played into it - just what Sirius wanted. “Oh, I asked you, what had you gotten up to during the holidays?”

“Oh Peter, Petey, Pete. What did I get up to? Well, I got the pleasure of the Potter cottage my dear friend. And when I tell you it was bliss, I include no hyperbole my dearest.”

“Merlin really? Aren’t Mr and Mrs Potter the nicest?”

“Effie and Monty are absolute saints, I assure you!”

They fell into getting more into their holidays and Christmas, but as soon as Peter asked, “How did your parents even let you go?” The enthusiasm was lost on the two previously chattering boys.

“Oh well, you know how it goes. Curse there, curse here, banishing from the tapestry and whatnot; just the usual really.” The rest of the boys went silent to this, all visibly concerned, which clearly annoyed Sirius.

“Merlin, don’t look so glum, what is that muggle saying about silver and curves Remus?”

“D’you mean silver linings?”

“Yes my darling,” oh. “That’s what I meant, all things have silver linings and mine were gloriously glimmering.”

//

“Psst.”

God, what the fuck is it now? Remus was exhausted and he had only just now gotten a glimmer of sleep.

“What?” he spurred angrily into his pillow.

“Can I come in?” Well, I’m not gonna get to sleep now, God.

“Mhm.”

The ravenhaired boy drew back the curtain and climbed into the bed, getting under the covers besides Remus. “How was Christmas?”

Unfortunately, he remembered all the good and bad in a vivid five second slideshow in his mind. “Oh, it was fine, how about you?”

“It was okay.”

“Are you sure, I mean the whole banishment thing..”

“I mean.” He seemed to delve into thought at that reference, looking solemn. “We knew my parents were bad, but I mean I didn’t fucking expect that.”

“What did you even do?”

“Oh, well I-” he seemed caught in his words at that moment, unsure of how to word whatever he was thinking, “I told them I was gay.”

Oh.

“And I guess that was the ultimate betrayal of some sorts. Y’know, not even the possibility of a pureblood son now, y’know what I mean?”

“Yeah I get that.” He understood what he meant, but he was still caught on the other detail. Sirius was gay? Well it was never entirely out of possibility but what about the girls? It sort of brought a hope to Remus’s mind - maybe I have a chance? A chance for what? What the fuck am I even thinking?

“Are yo- Are you okay with that?”

“With what? Getting disowned?” Remus was impressed but not at all astonished at Sirius’s ability to joke about it, approach it with such humour and ease.

“No, the gay bit.”

“Oh. Well yeah. I guess I knew it for a bit.”

“How did you realise?”

“Just somebody I guess. I never felt that way with a girl, I knew it was special.” He looked into Remus’s eyes, “he’s special.”

Wonder what that’s about.

After a considerable, amicable silence, Sirius spoke, “mind if I sleep here tonight?”

“That’s alright.”

He woke up that morning with an arm around his waist and Sirius’s breath on his neck.

//

16th January 1976

With the weekend, Hogsmeade and the full awaiting him, his friends were bubbling in excitement whilst the only thing bubbling in his life was his shabby attempt at Potions - the potion was definitely not supposed to bubble, he soon learnt. He fell into studying as soon the new term had begun; OWLs were in five months, five bleeming months, and Remus Lupin was nothing if not prepared.

As he flicked onto the next volume of the ‘History of Magic’ textbook, the rest of the Marauders’ launched into the room - they all had a different lesson than him on Friday afternoons, so he usually got back before the lot of them. “Remus, Merlin, what are you doing?”

James sounded absolutely aghast, so disgusted about Remus’s studying. “Oh well I’m getting ahead in History of Ma-”

“Why in Merlin’s great world would you want to do that?” James launched into a rant regarding his astonishment as the other three just sat, mildly confused and amused.

“Well I think what Remus is doing is wonderful, he’s smarter than all of us combined so why not?” He gave Remus a smile across the room, which he returned; in turn, Sirius’s smile grew wider and his eyes a little dazed.

“Of course you’d say that,” James uttered with a smug tone.

“Shut the fuck up!!” As Sirius launched his fists into the other's abdomen.

//

The full was tomorrow. He had to get ahead for a myriad of reasons: the full would set him back, OWLs were coming up and he felt like a fucking idiot. The holiday and its events sent Remus into a series of revelations where he realised that he should get a grip on his life. Sure the alcohol and fags were fun, but not when they ended up like that. They were fun with Elijah; the same Elijah who made him feel welcome, the same Eli who got him that beauty of a guitar, the same Eli who would send him off with an impromptu kiss that was never fucking explai- God, I’m spiralling.

Regardless of that, he realised his hedonistic lifestyle had reached a point of either no return, or a partial return and he refused to give up blunts. He launched into schoolwork like no return. By four in the morning, the next day, he’d gotten to the end of two textbooks and the rest of the work he was expected to do by March. He thanked his concentration and dirty habit of nicotine profusely as he cracked his knuckles and began to saunter over to the bathroom.

“You should really sleep earlier, Remus.” He heard from Sirius’ bed; the voice was genuine, a hint of concern.

“One day.”

//

After five hours of blissful sleep, he arose to the rustle of the rest of the boys moving around the dorm, grabbing clothes and the lot from around the room.

“Hey Siri, this your shirt?” He brought up a slim fitted shirt with black embroidery blooming up the pleats.

“Only I could own something so beautiful Pete. Gimme that I wanna wear it!”

James giggled, “Ooh hot date?”

“Shut up you toff. Just a little someone I have my eye on.” Remus ignored the strange look that James pointedly gave him. The rest of them finished getting ready as Remus rushed into the shower and grabbed the first thing he could see.

“Not looking too shabby, my man,” James pat Remus on the shoulder, only to grab him and rush him out the door, “we’re gonna be fucking late if you don’t put them tarantula legs to use.”

//

Walking across the cobbled streets, Sirius mindlessly chatted to Remus as their hands repeatedly brushed past each other. To be frank, the knocking was getting to Remus’s head so he just settled on holding Sirius’s hand, ignoring the warmth in his chest. “Right, we’re leaving soon so Hog’s Head?”

“Only if you buy me a butterbeer, my darling?”

“Ha, funny joke.”

“Yeah, I’ll get you one don’t worry.” Sirius really was a special one.

They soon all fell into the booth, red leather seats harbouring a rustic table and soon nine butterbeers. The two were the last to arrive, James sending an amused look to Sirius. The rest of them, James, Lily, Peter, Sybill, Mary, Marlene and Dorcas had only gotten there a bit before them, so seeing as all of them were parched, Remus decided to order up for the table.

He made way to the counter, a young lady stood giving a drink to a man on the other end, looking relatively bored. As she realised Remus’s presence, she glanced him up and down and smiled as she walked over, “and what for you hun?”

“Oh, uh nine butterbeers please.” He slid over the money as she took it prematurely, fingers playing around his. “Coming right up,” her smile grew as he was a little confused.

As his fingers drummed against the counter, she made conversation which was clearly one-sided - Remus was never for social interactions, especially if he was sober and it was unexpected. “I’ll see you next visit, I suppose then angel.” She shot a final smile at him as he grabbed the tray and walked away as quickly as possible.

“Oh, she was into you Merlin,” Mary sighed as soon as he came back.

“Nah, just friendly,” he added, much quieter, “I think.”

“Remus you dolt, she was making eyes at you, still fucking is,” Peter pointed at her as Remus and the rest of the group looked at her, still looking at Remus.

“Sirius, budge up,” Remus made way onto the seat beside Sirius, exactly where she couldn’t see him - he felt like he was being stalked for Christ’s sake. He looked a bit mad, and Remus felt a bit bad - he had been so happy just earlier, what happened? “You okay?”

“‘M fine.”

“Mhm alright sure,” he rested a hand on Sirius’s thigh as he massaged his knee. That seems to have relaxed him.

“I’m sure she was just being nice,” James added, looking sympathetic towards Remus, which he appreciated, and Sirius - didn’t know Sirius was so protective over seat space.

“Anyways, did you hear what Ruth said?”

Chapter Text

Ooh you'll wait a long time for me

Ooh you'll wait a long time

Ooh you'll wait a long time for me

Ooh you'll wait a long time

14th September 1976

It had appeared as though a strike of luck had hit the Marauders - though indefinitely missed Remus. James hadn’t stopped going on about how Lily had finally taken him up on a Hogsmeade visit together.

//

“Lumos.” The boy seemed manic with joy. He continued.

“You know this is how true love begins!”

Peter was in dire need of shuteye, he got quite antsy when his attempts were disrupted. “Shut up you toff.”

“Truly, I could wax poetic about this angel of a girl,” he looked around the room, as though he’d just discovered something life altering “,oh do you reckon she’d like that?” Grinning ear to ear, the rest of the boys were trying to go to sleep - a long week and a Hogsmeade visit early in the morning bred an undying need for rest.

“For the love of Merlin, James, no,” Sirius sounded exasperated, the words dripping in exhaustion. He was laid in Remus’s bed - he’d begun crawling in in the middle of the night - wearing his Quidditch jumper, the two drifting off to sleep before the ruckus of the boy rose up again.

“Tomorro-”

“Shut the ever loving fuck up James, or I’ll make sure you don’t get to wake up.” He looked at James murderously through sleep stricken eyes. This seemed to get James’ attention as he murmured apologies, got ready for bed, and looked at Remus to make sure he wasn’t hovering around with a weapon.

//

Peter and Sybill had it going quite well for them. Remus was relieved to hear that his Halloween spent in some random’s bed wasn’t completely useless - Peter had gotten along with the girl fantastically and they were on their fourth date this week and Pete, the soppy romantic (he was nothing of the sort), had planned to ask her to be his girlfriend this Valentines Day.

Despite much contention, Sirius hadn’t accepted or asked for anybody to join him on such an important day for humanity, and the betterment of society. He’d been asked plenty to be honest, but he’d let them down all quite politely, much to the chagrin of James’ grinning expression.

Remus had, much to his surprise, been asked to join various girls (and Evan and Barty) though he had gracefully turned them all down - who knows, he may have accepted any one of them if it hadn’t been for the miniscule, easy to miss, detail, lingering over his mind, that the full was the day after Valentines.

//

“Are we ready?”

Nobody answered. “James, do these flowers look alright?” Peter seemed awfully nervous for this, which was slightly out of character; the boy usually didn’t really think of things like this, he approached situations with whatever he could, but never apprehension. “Aw, yes Pete, they look magnificent.”

“Alright you donut, you done?”

“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” his words got lost as his volume decreased over the short span of time as he stared at himself in the mirror. They were all, despite their lack of ability of saying so. Plan of Action: Girls’ Dorm, and then Hogsmeade. They all eventually got out of the dorm within minutes of each other as they got to the girls’ dorm.

//

Lily was already ready, and she looked lovely to be honest. Copper hair falling about her back and shoulders - framing her face, freckles and jade eyes. Mary was finishing her hair, pinning it up as Marlene was giggling with Dorcas about something.

“Loops, do my eyeliner will ya?”

“You sure?”

Scoffing, Marlene retorted, “only one I trust near my eyeballs out of the lot of you.”

He made way over to the window, she was already holding the brush and her eyes were shut. As he started, the rest of them conversed about their plans, Mary’s date (apparently his looks were the only thing that weren’t repulsive about him) and some gossip about some kids that Remus had never even heard of.

“Alright, ‘m done.”

She ran over to the mirror as to check, she looked oddly impressed, “fuck me Lupin, didn’t know you were a bloody artist as well!”

“Gots to go now, Sybill is probably waiting for me.” The apprehension followed Peter in his words as he fiddled with the stems of the flowers peeking out of the bottom of the bouquet. A harmony of ‘byes’ and Sirius’s, “don’t forget to invite me to the wedding,” and the rest of them continued their conversation.

“Okay, pre-game?”

Lily choked on her words, “fucking for what?”

“Oh okay, just cos I couldn’t land a date with the star Quidditch player who’s obsessed with me, I can’t have any fun?” Words dripping in sarcasm, she poured a shot, “besides, I need a shot before talking to fucking Wilhelm. Who wants?”

Remus said yes before anybody could think about what she said, which resulted in nothing short of incredulous laughter from the rest of them.

The two finished up, and the lot made their way down to the rest of the school on the courtyard.

“You okay?” Sirius’s hand clutched onto Remus’s and squeezed. “Yeah ‘m alright, you?” This had seemed to drain Sirius of any concern he may have held.

“Spiffing, my darling!” he tried to twirl Remus around, and it definitely didn’t work.

//

“Where to next, captain?”

Scoffing, Remus replied, “don’t you have some girl to charm in Puddifoot’s?”

To this, Sirius gasped, a palm to his heart, the other resting on his forehead as if he were seconds away from fainting, “you wound me, darling! I’m exactly where I want to be.”

“Ooh Flourish and Blotts, you’d like that.” Sirius left the theatrics as he uttered the next statement, grinning. “Shouldn’t you be spending Valentines with someone you actually like?”

“Merlin Remus, I like you the most. You’re my valentine,” he ruffled the other’s hair as the bell signalled their entrance into the store.

They lingered through different aisles, scarred fingers tracing through each shelf, feeling the engravement under hot skin.

//

“Alright, let’s go.”

“Remus what? Are you not gonna get anything?”

He turned from where he was just about to leave the shop, “they aren’t free y’know.”

“Nonsense, show me them. Being a Black has some perks y’know,” the last word in a horrible imitation of his Welsh accent.

//

They were making their way over to the Hog’s Head, as Hogsmeade visit tradition. Remus was leading the way as Sirius insisted on holding his books - “it’s only the gentlemanly thing to do.” Still feeling indebted to the other, Remus held out a hand offering to hold half of the books; he knew Sirius, stubborn as he was, wouldn’t let Remus get away with holding all of them. Lost in translation as it seems, Sirius shifted the books from his left hand to the right arm as he interlaced his fingers with those reaching out to him.

“That’s not wh- nevermind,” his lips curved into a smug smile as his heart warmed, punctuated by the bell ringing as they pushed the door of the Hog’s Head open.

//

16th February 1976

Awoken by the students in the court outside enjoying their winter Sunday, he rustled in the cotton sheet before he had to face the fact that a restful sleep was nothing but a lost hope. Pushing himself up, back against the headboard, he winced, his hip in excruciating pain.

“Oh dear, you’re awake,” Madam Pomfrey got to his side in seconds, a vial in hand as the other rested against his forehead. “How are you feeling?”

“Not great,” he mumbled, throat dry and scratchy - he had no memory of the last night, or the day before. “What happened?” He asked through the exchange of a vial she ushered him to drink.

“It was a lunar eclipse see - it’s hard for the wolf to manage and without a mate, injury is inevitable I’m afraid.”

“Oh.” The news wasn’t hopeful but at least he hadn’t hurt anybody, at least nobody else was hurt except him, and he could deal with that, he always did. “Your friends tried to come in earlier - would you like to see them, they came back just a minute ago.”

“Oh yes okay, thank you.” Grateful for some distraction, he sipped at the tea she had made him to help with the throat - steeped with honey. As he placed the mug back on the side, he was presented with Evan of all people; Remus hadn’t properly talked to him in a while. “Loops, haven’t seen you in a while,” he spoke softly as he handed over a chocolate bar - he was a fucking angel.

“Missed you,” Remus smiled, the statement half true and half sarcastic; Evan honestly was a great person, a good friend and God, Remus was happy to have met him. They spoke quietly about everything they could - Regulus on the Quidditch team, Valentines’ Day, Christmas. That was just how, Evan reading a book in a chair beside a sleeping Remus, James found them in an hour later.

Chapter Text

Something's got a hold on me

And I don't know what

It's the beginning of a new age

It's the beginning of a new age

It's a new age

3rd March 1976

Rubbing the heels of his palms against bleary eyes, he fished his glasses out from the bottom of his bag, resting them on his face in an attempt to see. Remus seemed to be medically challenged in every way possible; his hip was constantly in excruciating pain since the last moon, and the constant reading he did tore away any semblance of decent eyesight he once had. The prescription’s probably not even right, he told himself as he tried to read the words on the page - unsurprisingly, they did help so he cracked his knuckles and settled down for another evening of studying.

“Didn’t know you wore glasses,” the soft voice of Regulus spoke out as he continued to skim the page and note things down on his parchment. “I don’t usually, just can’t see shit right now.”

“Mhm.”

He never wore his glasses, he thought they made him look like a right swot, but he could sacrifice that this evening, it was the least of his issues.

Around half an hour later, Regulus seemed to have finished all that he had left, bastard should feel lucky his OWLs are next year. “Right well, go to bed soon, or you go crosseyed.”

“Funny joke baby black,” he scoffed as he flicked the pages, fingers drumming on the cover of the book beside him. “See you tomorrow?”

He saluted the boy leaving, “see you.”

//

“Here you ar- woah, those.” Sirius dragged the chair from opposite Remus next to him, much to the disdain of Ms. Pince who was still shaking her head five minutes later. He was pointing at the glasses, the glasses that Remus forgot he was wearing. “Oh yeah, well, can’t read much without them at this point.”

“Y’know,” Sirius picked one of the books on the table up, flicking through - he surely couldn’t have gathered anything regarding the contents of the books that way - settled it down and continued, “you should take a break, you’ll go crosseyed or crazy.” Mhm.

Remus dismissed him with the wave of a hand as he turned back to the book he was twenty five pages from completing, ”I’m nearly done, just go back to the dorm. ‘ll be there soon.”

Sirius deflated with an exasperated sigh, though sensing Remus’ stubbornness, he didn’t press further. “I’ll stay here, maybe it’ll be fun.”

Sirius never thought the library was fun.

//

Half an hour later, the clock striking 10:23, he shut the book his fingers had traced for the last hours. “Huh, we’re done?” Sounding utterly exhausted, over the moon, and God, he was cute, huh, weird.

“Yup, could’ve been better but,” he trailed off, making some noise between a sigh and a word. Sliding each pen and book and piece of parchment into his bag, he stood up and slung it over his shoulder; though not before wincing at the pain in his hip. Arms shot out immediately, stabilising the boy as his fists ground into the table to keep himself up. “Moons, you okay?”

“Hmph, yeah just moon,” he moved out of Sirius’s grasp, not needing help and started leading the way to the Common Room.

Almost at their dorm room, the voice spoke. “Moony?”

“Yes Pads?”

“Are you really okay?” The question caught him a little off guard.

“Yeah, ‘m fine.”

He opened the door and hurried to the bathroom, locking the door behind him and sinking into the shower.

//

8th March 1976

“You gonna finish that?”

“Huh?” He’d zoned out of every passing period or meal that day and only remembered the voices of the Professors droning on about OWLs, or goblins, or spells, or whatever other bullshit they could rant about for an hour to pass time.

“Your eggs. Are you going to eat them?”

“Oh wh- help yourself.”

The days passed in a slow haze - wallowing in work and barely able to get out of bed. Seven cups of coffee and pure determination were the only things fueling Remus at this point, much to the disdain of Lily; she was always offering him some sweet treat or another to get him to eat something at least.

His friends were just about the only ones keeping him sane, though you’d be an idiot not to see how little Remus was in the dorms these days. He didn’t hate his friends at all, quite the contrary, but he didn’t have time for that - the only thing he had time for, and made time for was studying. Being a werewolf with friends didn’t get you anywhere.

“Lupin.” The chilling voice came from behind him, the shallow breath on his ear.

Whipping around at the sudden voice, he turned to see Barty - thank God for that. “Fucking hell, yes?”

“Dungeons at eight, got it?”

“Oh right, sure.” He could hear Sirius and James whispering violently behind him.

“See you lover boy,” the boy had already ran off, halfway to the doors as he saluted Remus as ran off.

"Ugh, he's a filthy mutt," Sirius was unexplainably repulsed by Barty; it got worse once Remus and him got closer. "You can't say much Pads."

“Isn’t he dating Evan?” He heard as he turned around - the question came from a cozy Marlene, her head resting on Mary’s shoulder.

“Yup.” He picked up his mug, finishing off his tea.

“Right well.” Her words losing articulation as a yawn escaped her, stretching her arms over her head. “Shit that hurt,” she rubbed the side of her arm, “those Quidditch practises a brutal man.”

“Tough practise for a tough team, McKinnon,” James grinned pridefully as he finished Remus’s eggs. “Guess we know how you feel now, Moony,” Sirius smirked, which rewarded him a smack to the back of the head.

Chapter Text

It's my party, and I'll cry if I want to

Cry if I want to, cry if I want to

You would cry too if it happened to you

10th March 1976

“Psst.”

“Merlin, he sleeps like a rock.”

“PSSSTT!”

“Fuck o-”

“HAPPY BIRTHDAY.” The cacophony of noise was entirely unwelcome and promptly received a pillow to someone’s head, he hoped, his aim was horrible, worse when his eyes were closed - his plan was a success though as James yelped soon after.

“Moonyy.”

“Moonbeammm.”

“Has he fallen asleep?”

“REMUS JOHN LUPIN!”

“Fuck me what is it?” He picked his head up from the pillow with considerable effort - he felt more tired than he was last night.

“It’s your birthday, silly!” The grinning face of Sirius Black met his eye.

“Oh. Right, thanks.” He got up as the brightness of the sun shot lasers into his eyes, “fucking bright,” he murmured as he got up.

“Now what would the birthday boy like? Perhaps breakfast in bed?”

“Or a chocolate hamper?”

The three spoke in turn as if they were the three musketeers or some other mindnumbingly obnoxious trio. “Or a full body massage?” The other two looked at Sirius in confusion, “massages are nice,” he uttered in defense.

“The birthday boy would like to die.” He spoke mindlessly as he wandered into the bathroom, locking the door and turning on the shower.

“Merlin, he’s immune to joy.”

//

Remus wasn’t ever very fond of his birthday, not much to celebrate. Despite this major fact, the Marauders’ were unfailing in their action to make any of their birthdays a Hogwarts wide affair. As they sauntered to breakfast, the three surrounded him like bodyguards.

“Birthday boy coming through!”

“Nothing to see here!”

“Marauders coming through!!”

They settled down at their usual place in the Great Hall as their friends amongst them - they’d all gotten there considerably earlier, Remus was holding them up horribly - said their best wishes to Remus.

“Right so what’s the plan?” Mary excitedly looked at all of them as her eyes glimmered with hope. “For what?” Remus retorted as her eyes settled on him. “Your birthday you dimwit!”

Sirius and James excitedly launched into a heavily detailed, and time categorised plan, “after lessons, half an hour to get ready. Then, girls dorm,” they both looked at the girls who seemed oblivious to this plan choice.

“I’ve got the drinks,” James added, “Quidditch connections,” he added, smugly.

“I’ve got the weed,” Peter, too, added. This got the attention of them all - not that they weren’t already, though it truly piqued their interest. They looked at him in confusion; he admitted, “Sybill, y’know Hufflepuffs.”

“You’re not wrong,” Sirius looked pleased with his answer.

He continued, “and that’s gift time, and then we continue into the night!”

Sheepishly, Remus added, “don’t we have school tomorrow?”

“Merlin, Remus. Skip until lunch and we’ll do your notes,” Sirius replied, and offered a warm smile at the end, which pleased Remus.

// Evan

Mindlessly running his fingers down the others spine, he traced his bones, his muscles, every inch of skin. The sweet noise of nothingness but their two breaths filled the air - it was rudely disrupted by scurrying Regulus Black.

“Why the fuck are you two here?!”

“Waiting,” Barty murmured against Evan’s shoulder. Half asleep, the words that they spoke were rare, and lackluster, at a time like this.

“For fucking what?” He was picking up the box and signalling for them to leave.

“You, dipshit,” Evan replied, ruffling Barty’s hair as he got up, pulling the other one along as he grabbed the first shirt he saw and handed it over. “Stop being a slut, Bee.”

“Oh but you like it.”

//

Regulus muttered the password to enter the Common Room, the door sliding open as they made their way inside. Thankfully, they didn’t have to enter whatever room Remus was in since James was already rushing across the Common Room, whispering to himself, “gift, water, shit where, fuck no, yes, wait, OH MY!”

He jumped back when he saw the three waiting there, his eye lingering on Regulus a little longer - his cheeks flushed as he bit down a smile, the detail was not lost on Evan.

“Potter.” Barty’s voice seething. “Tell Remus we have something for him.”

Startled by the aggression, James hesitantly replied, “oh, erm sure. Good to- Good to see you Reggi- Regulus.” His hand rubbed the nape of his neck violently - looks like he has fleas - as he muttered to himself.

Within seconds, a determined Sirius Black came strutting out of the room, and definitely drunk Remus Lupin followed.

“Why ar- Oh, Reggie, hi.”

The two brothers broke off of the group as Regulus sheepishly wished Remus a happy birthday.

“Hey, what’s this?” He was at least half a bottle down.

“Just a gift for our favourite,” Evan replied, handing it over. “Oh, and this my dearest.” Barty curtsied as he took Remus’s hand, kissed it and placed in it, a rose.

Chuckling to himself, he retorted, “shit, thanks a lot.”

He ushered them to sit down as they ushered him to open the gift. “Fuck off!” His words were slightly off kilter as he had refused to put the rose down, settling on keeping it between his teeth.

Evan whispered to Barty, “now why is he so repulsed!” Which earned him a chuckle.

“Was running low, must’ve read my mind.” He shook the pack of fags between his fingers as Barty and Evan looked at each other. They would never admit it, but they weren’t too gifted at giving gifts - the irony wasn’t lost on them. And they would never admit that Pandora could ‘sense’ what somebody wanted, and Merlin, they’d never admit that they may have used this little trick on Remus to see what else he wanted. Though of course it was all from the heart.

“What’s this?” He shook the box between his fingers like a child on Christmas.

“That, Loopy, is a meticulously crafted, bespoke earring made by our very own-”

“My sister,” Evan proudly added.

“Yes right, our very own Pandora, it’s got a real crystal in it and all. The colour brings out your eyes.”

“That’s, fuck off,” he sheepishly giggled as he set the box down, “y’know I really love you guys an-”

His sentence was cut off by the other two crushing him into a hug. A few moments later, after a lot of giggling between the three, a seething Sirius screamed, “fuck off you pervs!”

// Remus

“So.” James clapped his hands. The Marauders were all assembled; the three of them stood around Remus in the Common Room.

“The fuck is going on?” Remus was certainly drunk by now. He was laid horizontally across an arm chair, legs dangling off of the armrest, as he hung his head back, watching the stars. Sirius seemed to be brimming with excitement - he was all day - whilst James looked awfully stoic - he’d been like that since Evan, Barty and Regulus had come to the Common Room - and Peter was half asleep, head against Sirius’s arm.

“See, Moo- Pete get up,” he flicked the other’s head, to which he didn’t stir at all. “See, Moony, we have an absolutely wonderful gift for you.”

“And we really think you’ll love it.”

With seemingly wandless magic, a briefcase came flying through the air, settling in Remus’s lap. At that point, Sirius had tossed Peter’s head to the side, finding comfort on James’s arm instead, as he crouched near Remus. “Fuck off, this is well cool,” he looked at all three of them, “thank you guys.”

“Right, but that’s not the only thing.”

“We, the Marauders’, bestow upon you the graceful title of Professor R.J Lupin,” to which the engraving on the plate of the side of the briefcase illuminated, glittering in gold. “And there’s fags in there cos we love you.”

Remus wasn’t too gracious at thanking people for his gifts, opting for getting up and hugging them all, profusely saying thank you, and lighting up a fag - the only day any of them let him light one up indoors.

//

“I really love you guys!”

“Oh Merlin.”

“Remind me to never give James a shot again.”

“No guys, I really, really, super love you guys,” his words were a mess, slurring all over the place - James could never hold his liquor, he had drank half as much as everybody else.

“We love you too, buddy,” Peter replied, he was far too high for this, as he slung an arm around James’ shoulder and slumped onto the other.

“WAIT!” Everybody paused, Mary shrieked, James and Peter yelped. “Does anybody else hear that?”

“No fuck off Sirius.”

“You know I don’t like scary things Sirius, stop it!”

Bewildered by their response, he looked at them all, “guys, we fucking planned th- whatever. I hear,” he seemed to wait for a drumroll that never arrived, “you guys are useless. Cake!” Suddenly, it seemed to be out of thin air, a three-tiered chocolate cake appeared, its decoration decadent and precise, with sixteen pink candles around the radius.

“Dumbledore’s great beard, that is,”

“Beautiful,” Remus stared at it in awe, his gaze switching from the cake to Sirius.

To this, Sirius gained either composure, or confidence - he couldn’t decipher, “of course it was only my great mind that could conjure up such a wonderfu-” He was cut off with a tight hug by Remus, effectively pushing the air out of his lungs. A few seconds later, he pulled back, hands on the other's shoulder, “I love you, this is wonderful.” God, he looks pretty like this. Fuck, that eyeliner, and his hair and- No, not on my birthday.

Remus immediately sat down, took a shot, and charmed some plates and forks as Sirius stood there, seemingly in a blissful daze, until James whacked his ankles, whispering to, “get it together, you sop.”

//

At around eleven, they had all retired to their respective dorm rooms, Peter fast asleep as James and Sirius had cast a silencing spell over James’ bed, one of their wands illuminating their silhouettes.

He was waiting to be alone today. Despite the fact that today was irrevocably wonderful - he really did love his friends, the day was made a lot easier with them - he had needed this. He got out of bed, as quietly as possible, and crouched down to rummage under his bed. Soon enough his fingers came across exactly what he was looking from - from a book detailing the extensive description of the years 1066 to now (the book was written in 1903, so they missed a lot) in England, he pulled out the enveloped, got back in bed and cast a lumos charm.

The letter was the same one that he had rediscovered this winter at his house - he hadn’t gone a day without thinking about it, dreading and anticipating reading it.

Unveiling it from the cover of the envelope, he took out the paper in trembling hands as he unfolded it. It read:

Chapter Text

There was love all around

But I never heard it singing

No, I never heard it at all

'Til there was you

// Hope Lupin

Dear Remus,

“Hope?”

“Yes Lyall?”

“I’m leaving to pick up Remus now.”

“Okay honey, drive safe!”

My cariad. I suppose I’m writing this letter to you to explain all of it. If you’re reading this, chance is that my worst fear has come true, I’ve left you.

As the ink left the pen’s point in dainty lettering, I tried to steady my hands - I’d hate myself if all I left for you was a typewritten letter for your sixteenth.

The candle had been burning for an hour, the wax starting to drip onto the wooden table, but I didn’t mind, it looked almost beautiful.

You’d been at school all day, no doubt getting full marks in your spelling test, you always were the type. I’ve just finished making your tea, your favourite. I remember when you wouldn’t stop going on about it every morning and night for a month straight.

A few years back, my brother referred me to the doctors. He was fearful for me, scared that I would do something to myself.

The neighbours, Debbie and Mark have just pulled into their driveway - I remember you saying that their yellow car looked like a clown car, and how I had to shush you before they came up to us.

Their daughter was just about your age, a few months older. You always said she was your best friend, you thought she was lovely. When Debbie had made a joke about you two getting married after ‘big school’, you wretched with disgust, “I like girls, but not like that!”

I was reckless and impulsive, I would do awfully silly things my darling.

Just from the living room, I could see the kitchen - your favourite mug to drink tea, and, of course, hot chocolate in. You wouldn’t stop asking for your dad’s for a week, and he’d always give it to you.

God, your grades sheets too - you were only little, but we all believed in you so much. The teachers boasted about how much of a pleasure you were, how clever and polite you were. I’m so proud of you, Remus.

They said I had something called affective personality disorder - it was horrible mood swings and such.

Just then, the rain had begun - our village in Wales was more often raining than not. But you loved it - you always said how nice it smells. God, you’re special, so so special Remus.

My chest hurt, but I couldn’t tell if it was the illness, or writing this letter - you were only so little, but I could imagine you as a handsome, young man. Just like your father, but you’re a sweetheart compared to him, my angel.

He loves you, Remus, trust me, he really does. He cares for you, but he forgets, forgets how to show it without seeming like a grumpy man. He loves us, our little family, and so do I.

But you, my love, made it so much better, all of it, truly. You are the light of my life, and the only thing I live for - to take care of you, and see you grow. I love you so much, my Remus.

My fingers came around the silver cross on my neck; twiddling the pendant between my fingers as I collected myself.

I wouldn’t let myself cry. I didn’t want the time left with you to be spent in misery, my cariad, I wanted us to be happy.

It had been hard in the past, I can sympathise with that perspective, but I wouldn’t let it get bad again. Not if I could still stop it.

But after you were bitten, it came back - I was scared that I couldn’t always protect you, but I was never scared of you, my baby.

I often woke up to your father weeping in bed, his hands over his face as he weeped. He regretted everything he’d done that had put you in danger - he regretted it all.

He would’ve taken it back in an instance, to take back his words, or let it be him who was bitten rather than you.

He never wanted to expose you to the magic, he never wanted to expose me to the magic. He never wanted that for us, he wanted to keep us safe - your father is a sweet man, a sweet and gentle and fragile man, and that mistake had broken him.

I was awfully depressed I suppose, and my health was declining - after weeks of chest pains and other horrible symptoms, your father told me to see the doctors.

He cared for us, Remus, so, so much. He would never willingly put us in harm’s way, but after his mistake, he lost himself.

It was a school night, so he had already tucked you in - I thank him for that, for making sure you didn’t see it. He was crying in the garden, his back against the fence. His knees bloody.

God, I’ve never seen him so drunk.

They said I had heart disease, and it wasn’t to get any better. After routine check-ups, they hadn’t seen any improvement.

He prayed and prayed for it to go away, for you to be okay again. For it to be a sick nightmare; despite it, I eventually convinced him of its reality. He hated himself, and he couldn’t control it oftentimes.

I told him to get checked up - he refused, and refused, until I had sent you to your uncle’s for a weekend, and driven him there myself. They thought he had some sort of anxiety, alongside some anger issues fuelled by the drinking. They practically ignored him because of his addiction, and he refused to believe anything that they had told him.

I fear he’ll do something when I’m not there anymore. I’m scared that he’ll do something horrible and be unaware of it. I’m afraid that he’ll hurt you Remus.

I’m sorry to leave you, my cariad - I’m sorry, so truly sorry.

I pray that you’ll be in safe hands, my love. We’ve already looked into you two staying in London afterwards - your father refuses to stay in Wales without me, the silly man.

We know you’ll be safer there, happy. You’ll do tremendous in school, and have plenty of friends. You never were one for sports but you always loved going to the park with your friend.

You’ll be okay, Remus. I hope you’ll be okay.

I hope your father treats you well - I’m not too sure of that though. I know he isn’t the greatest man, but he does love you, despite the funny way in which he shows it.

He was scared that you’d go to Hogwarts. It’s not that he didn’t want you there, but he was terrified that something would happen to you.

He never trusted the rest of his school much - he had a life outside of it, with non-magic people, and he saw how horrible it could be.

Talk of some dark side apparently; of course it sounded preposterous to me, but he was scared, Remus.

I love you, my Remus - more than you will ever know. I hope you’re happy in school, doing the best in the class, I'm sure. I know you’re doing well, and I miss you awfully.

Oh, and I heard the car had just pulled in. You, hopping out of the back, determined to leave the car before your dad had the chance to open the door for you - you always refused help.

I could see you talking with him, looking up at him. You were smiling, hands moving and explaining something, it looks like - God, you’re just like Lyall.

Your dad just picked you up so that you can open the door, your little fingers around the key as you pulled it open. It always made you happy to do things yourself.

I know you’re doing great, my cariad. You make me and your father proud every day. I’ll be watching over you Remus, in whatever afterlife there is. I’ll see you, and I’ll be smiling at you every day.

“Mummy?” The little voice creeped from besides me - God, your adorable face.

“Yes Remus?”

“What’s that?” You were pointing to the letter, a quizzical look on your face.

“Oh, I’m just writing a letter.”

“Can I help?” You always wanted to help me, even if we both knew you couldn’t.

“Oh darling, no that’s alright.” You seemed mildly disappointed, but I knew that giving you some chocolate would cheer you all up. “Let’s get you your tea then.” The little grin appeared on your face as your fingers wrapped against my arm. “How did you do in that test, my love?”

“Oh oh, I’ll show you!” You ran off in your school uniform, pulled the paper out of your bookbag and ran up to me to show it to me. “Look! Look!” Your tiny fingers pointing to the ‘20/20’.

“Oh, I’m so proud of you, my darling.”

Love, Hope

// Lyall

Sitting in the chair beside Hope was the worst time of my life. Not for the fact that it was tiring, or a nuisance - no, not at all. But for the fact that it was the end of my life.

I love you Hope, still. I will love you, and I always have. From the day I met you, I promised to be a better man until the day we die. But I’m afraid that that wasn’t true, because now that you’re gone, I don’t know how to be a man. I don’t know how to be a man, I don’t know how to be a business man, or a friend. I don’t know how to be a father.

I was holding her hand in her last days - I was scared that if I let it, it would be the last time I could ever hold them. You whispered silly things, like how much you loved me, how much you missed Remus, even when he was right there. You talked of stupid things like how it was your fault, how you shouldn’t be leaving, when you couldn’t even control it Hope, how you were a horrible mother.

Hope was the best woman I had ever met - the best mother I have known, and the best wife I could’ve ever had. Hope was many things, but weak was never one of them. In her last months, she made a promise to never be upset - to never show it to Remus, for upsetting him would be her biggest failure. She had planned out what we would do when she was gone, and how we would live.

She didn’t let me do a single thing; she knew I would panic.

On that horrible, horrible day - October 26th, 1966 - her heart stopped as she spoke her last words. She was on one of her tangents, saying, ‘take care of him will you, I love him so much. I love our little family so much Lyall.’

I couldn’t control myself after that. I cried, for it seems days on end. I screamed my throat raw. It all got worse after that. I didn’t know how to live - but I did live, and I lived in the worst way I could, Remus. I didn’t listen to Hope, I didn’t take care of you.

Chapter Text

She would never say where she came from

And yesterday don't matter if it's gone

And while the sun is bright or in the darkest night

No one knows she comes and goes

16th April 1976

Walking along the halls, fingers brushing past the weathered stone, he heard a ruckus in the broom closet to his right. “Shh we’ve got to be quiet.” A whispering voice scolded. “Merlin, there’s nobo-”

The two shrieked, the boy jumping back. “Oh Merlin,” she muttered under her breath, her hands over her face.

“Right, you’ve got a minute to go back to dorms or I’m taking off house points,” Remus directed the couple - to his words they visibly relaxed, “Merlin, thanks Remus,” the boy smiled as he tugged the girl along, disappearing around the corner. He never got used to people he didn’t know, knowing his name.

//

“Pete!” James’ voice came through harsh and muffled, his head buried in a bag, “Where the hell are my glasses?!”

“Bedside drawer,” he replied, trying to go to sleep, his curtains shut and voice dripping with fatigue. “Thanks mate,” the other jumped to the drawer, snatching up his glasses and putting them on.

“Reeeeemus?” Sirius was the first to notice that Remus had come back from prefect duty - he had a way of entering any room and being entirely unnoticed.

He was a mess; he was stressed and tired, and his mind was both racing, and dormant. The study club had been going for three weeks and it was helping, it really was - but God it wasn’t easy to help a bunch of fourth and fifth years when half of them were inept, though that was kind of the point of the club, he reminded himself, over and over again. Prefect duty had calmed him down immensely (and the fag he managed to have in the Astronomy Tower, though nobody needed to know about that).

“Pads,” he looked at him - Merlin, he wished he could be as calm as Sirius on any day of the year. “Shall we tell them?” Immediately, the words confused Remus - tell who, what? Ohh. The map. The words seemed to have a perplexing effect on James for longer than they had Remus, the poor boy was fidgeting already, “Ha, tell us what? Sirius?” And there came the weird eye language that they’d had since first year. Remus could speak two languages, was bloody great at Ancient Runes, but he could never decipher this secret dialect.

“Oh, James, no,” he looked somewhat disappointed, though his expression swiftly changed back to the eager glint in his eyes that he’d had moments ago, “So, with much energy and brain power, me and Remus-”

“Remus and I,” he muttered, much to the amusement of Sirius.

“Right, Remus and I have officially, drumroll please,” it began the moment he requested one, “completed the Marauders’ Map!!” The two boys oblivious to the advancement before now were acting much like a five year old on Christmas, jumping and giggling and screaming and tackling the others. Sirius brought out the enchanted parchment, the other three surrounding it - all four pairs of eyes glued on the map. Through the charms to the spells to the genuine skill it took, Remus couldn’t help but smile to himself - we did that, my Sirius, and I- wait wh-

“And nobody can see it if they don’t say the right words!”

“Cor, you lot are fucking genius,” Peter looked the complete opposite of the drowsy demeanour he had moments ago.

//

The ride back from Hogwarts felt like it had passed in seconds - it always felt weird leaving, and Remus didn’t think he’d ever get used to it. The four left the carriage together, Sirius and James leaving first, Peter leaving once his mother had finally been spotted and now Remus was by himself, trying to find where Clem had parked. His search was rather unsuccessful, though he wasn’t entirely unrewarded.

“Hey lad,” two hefty hands grasped his shoulders, the oxygen leaving his body within a blink, they turned him around to face him with the face he had been missing. “Eli!!” He dropped his case, pulling him into a hug, “the fuck are you here for?”

“Oh lovely, for you, you tosser,” he smacked him around the neck as he pulled back, “better get going then posho.”

“Y’know,” he paused, taking a drag and passing the joint to Remus, “them parents looked weird as shit.” The station wasn’t too far from the flat, so they took the tube and emerged from the stop. “Rich people innit,” his voice restricted as he blew out the smoke - Remus never knew how he ended up with so many secrets.

“S’ppose you’re right, wanna pint?”

“ ‘course,” he added in a quieter tone, “bloody addict.”

“Dickhead, ’m not deaf y’know!”

//

The flat was the same - it always was. The same white walls, the same rough-looking couch, the same ashtray that was running out of space and Remus couldn’t love it anymore. Despite the unsightly appearance of the place, it was something that brought Remus back to himself - he found it crazy that he’d only known Elijah for a year, and that he’d already embedded himself into Remus’s mind the way he did. “Want a cuppa?” he raised his voice seen as he stood in the kitchen, the breeze wafting through the window and the same, ugly, comforting landscape laid ahead of him. “Go on then!”

“There you go,” he settled the cup into the hands awaiting it, as he took his own place besides Eli, “where’s everyone?” The question brought a solemn expression to Eli, “oh, right, well er-”

“Jezza’s still about, probably in the pub, Dylan’s at his girlfriends and er- X left.” The first was expected, the second not as expected though not alarming, but the fact that Alex had left had sort of confused him, “whadda you, ‘left’?”

“Well, some uncle or another - dunno who it was - came around - dunno how he found us - and said this was no place for him, so he just left with him.”

“What, and you didn’t ask him to stay?”

“Fucking hell Remus, of course I did - the tosser just left with him though, couldn’t do much about it, no idea where he is, all he left was this number,” his fingers picking up and fiddling with a slip of paper with black ink scrawled across it, it was barely legible. “Called it once or twice, he seemed dandy, invited me for Christmas even though it’s in fucking ages,” he sounded agitated, rightfully so, though Remus concluded that interrogating him on the clearly sensitive topic would be no help, “so what’s been with you?”

Remus fell into a tangent, a jumble about the Marauders’, school and exams, really anything - though, obviously, the study club was the only one that piqued Eli’s interest.

“Remus, why the fuck are you doing a study club? Haven’t you got friends?”

“Course I bloody do, but y’know, helps me and helps other people, so why not?”

“S’ppose you’re right, fucking swot,” he cackled, tackling the other boy - thank God they didn’t spill the tea.

//

“How was New Years’, y’know with your da?” To be entirely honest, Remus had forgotten all about it, and he would’ve liked it to stay that way - but he couldn’t really lie to Elijah, he knew basically everything about him, y’know, other than the fact that he’s a fucking wizard and a fucking werewolf.

“Right, well I met this group yeah?”

“Yeah.”

“Quite great to be honest, drank a shit ton and whatnot,”

“And you call me an addict.”

“Watch yourself, anyways, New Years’ yeah, they wanted to drive past the fireworks, I tagged along,”

“Mhm.”

“Then, right at midnight, this guy fucking said he fancied me and then tried to kiss me, so I jumped out the car.”

“You fucking what? You, Remus ‘Study Club, Slag’ Lupin, jumped out of a car to avoid a kiss?”

“Well I’m not a slag at the study club..”

“Shut your mouth, what was his name?”

“Whose?”

“Fucking New Years boy?”

“Oh, summit like Teddy, or Freddie, yeah that’s it, Freddie.”

“Oh, I hate Freddie.”

//

As tradition, the two boys wound up in some alley with a fag between them - oh, and Dylan and Jezza were there too. Utterly inebriated though somehow not stumbling, the four passed various swinging doors and flashing lights - they didn’t like clubs, so they never went, but they did love horribly impulsive ideas.

They’d been out for only an hour or two though they had a habit and a talent (the second was debatable) for getting horribly crossfaded - the weed started tasting like last year, and that’s when Remus knew he had to stop for a bit. “Oi, Loops, would you rather get a lip ring or a tattoo?”

“Easy lad, tattoo, already have three.”

Dylan and Jeremy gasped simultaneously, gaping at Remus, “fucking where?” He forgot that he kept so many secrets - he swore he didn’t mean to. “Behind my ear, here,” pointing at his collarbone, the shirt he wore helpfully showing the stars on display, “matching with Eli actually, and here,” pulling his jeans down ever so slightly.

“Remus, you just get cooler by the day,” Dylan sighed, taking a drag and kicking the bin beside him.

“So, you up for another cool boy?” Teeth on display, Jeremy grinned, already knowing Remus’s answer.

“Go on then, what though?”

“My name!” Elijah shouted - the boys burst into laughter. “Maybe on our anniversary,” Remus joked, lips curving and a smack on Eli’s shoulder.

“Should be something symbolic..” Dylan muttered, deep in thought upon the question posed.

“Alright fucking poet, what then?”

Jezza took a swig from the bottle, finishing it and tossing it somewhere behind him, ”what ‘bout the flat number? Symbolic innit?”

“That’s so st- wait, that’s quite smart,” Eli took back his words, looking at Remus expectantly. “Wouldn’t mind it,” he grinned, much to the delight to the others.

//

“Did it hurt?”

“Will it hurt?”

“Did it sting?”

Jezza and Dylan were pestering the boy, looking in awe at the ink on Remus’s wrist, the ‘#6’ stark against the pale scar running through his palm, creeping towards his elbow. “God, you lot do drugs, man.”

To that, Eli chuckled, pulling Remus up, “you two should get them too..” Under usual circumstances, they would’ve refused fervently, though seen as they had drained another bottle whilst watching Remus get the tattoo, they walked into the tattoo parlour wordlessly.

“Oi, I want one too, ‘s my flat!!”

You don't have to play

You can follow or lead the way

I want you to join together with the band

We don't know where we're going

But the season's right for knowing

I want you to join together with the band

Chapter Text

Satellite's gone up to the skies

Things like that drive me out of my mind

I watched it for a little while

I like to watch things on TV

14th May 1976

Decent. Okay. Mediocre. None of these words were going through Remus’s mind at the moment as he recounted each existing memory of the night before - see, it had been a lunar eclipse, which especially aggravated the wolf more than usual. He’d broken his left leg (he wasn’t sure where, he wasn’t really paying attention), cuts all over him, and an especially gnarly gash on his right rib, and seen as it was so close to the bone, Madam. Pomfrey couldn’t really do much other than muggle medical techniques, so stitches it was. He felt horrible, no worse than horrible, atrocious, that’s it - he felt atrocious. His mind felt empty whilst racing through thoughts, his skin, in more places than not, was bruised or grazed or cut, and his energy entirely depleted. Despite this, he put on his best poker face (he’d improved it immensely over the years) and convinced Madam. Pomfrey that he was ‘absolutely fine’, and ‘not as bad as the last one, God’.

Thankfully, his poker face proved effective as he limped out of the hospital wing as soon as he’d turned the corner. The halls were empty, seen as it was classes as of now; he relished in the quiet and solemn nature that he was currently in, knowing that it would inevitably be ruined at one point or another. Apparently the moon has also given his prophetic abilities - as soon as he thought that, a certain Sirius Black was on his tail. “Bloody hell, Rem you alright?”

“Dandy,” he spoke through clenched teeth. He dodged the hand coming around him to stabilise him, and waved a hand as he continued walking to the dorms. “Why aren’t you in lesson?”

“Well you don’t need Ancient Runes notes, seen as you’re ace at it, so why be there?” His voice cheerful, each step taking with joy - Remus never understood how anybody could bear being so happy at any point in time. Though he liked seeing Sirius happy, it was some weird effect that took place - if Remus saw Sirius smile, there was a 99.9% chance that Remus would stop being a moody git for at least ten minutes.

They continued down the hallway, up the stairs and into the common room, speaking every once in a while - Remus already felt better, he was eternally grateful that he ran into Sirius.

“Well, I’ve got History of Magic now, so I better get going,” grinning, he only went because Remus needed notes. “Have fun!” Remus attempted a happy tone, though it sounded more painful, as he shouted through the dorm room - Sirius momentarily turned around, walking backwards, as he blew a kiss to Remus and disappeared out of the common room - God, he’s cute.

//

Closing the book that lay in his hands, he stretched his arm over his head, standing up - he needed to feel at least slightly alive if he were to go to the study club. He felt the breeze from the window attack a slither of his hip, wincing. “Sirius, stop it Merlin.” He could hear James whisper, a smack enunciating each word. Sirius was quite openly gawking, well until James attacked him, mhm, weird.

“I’ve gotta go to the library, don’t do anything stupid,” he murmured as he slipped his book into his bedside drawer - he’d been reading it since yesterday, and seeing as it was delightful to read, he’d finished it just then. He slipped out another book and made way for the door. “Say hi to Lily for me,” a gleeful tone came from James, a wink too.

“Save the winks for Lily, not me, Merlin.”

//

“Alright, so same time on Wednesday, have a good week!” Her red locks swished as he stood up to grab her bag. A couple of the kids stayed behind to say their thanks, and soon enough, they were alone.

“You know what?”

“What?”

“Kind of want to be a teacher,” he couldn’t say the same thing to someone else, he knew he’d get made fun of, even if it was in a joking manner - Lily seemed to understand stuff like this though, she saw his sincerity in it and, God, she was lovely.

“You should,” she looked up from her papers to face his bemused expression, “honestly Remus, something practical especially, you’d be great I bet.”

“ ‘magine me as a DADA professor,” they both laughed at the concept, though agreed that it would probably be quite fun. They both got started on OWLs revision after that - they were rather soon, and thankful they’d beaten the majority of the work.

They stayed like that for a while, Lily eventually murmuring something about going back to the dorms, to which she packed her stuff and left with a piece of parchment in her hands, reading obsessively and disappearing behind a bookshelf, leaving Remus with his work alone. With the newfound silence, and loss of attention, he could make out a noise - is someone crying?

He settled his pen down (he preferred them to quills immensely) and wandered around, trying to find the source of the noise and figure out if it was a ghost or an actual person.

The latter seemed to be true, coming across a boy, sitting against the bookshelf, hands around his knees that were hugging his chest. He immediately recognised the boy as somebody from the study club, a fourth year if he wasn’t mistaken. Apparently, the boy had become aware of Remus’s sudden presence, hiding his face even more - “Hey,” leaning down, “hey, you alright?”

He couldn’t tell what the boy had said, if he even did; “d’you mind if I sit here?” The boy moved up - despite there being plenty of space - and Remus sat down. The tremor in the boy’s hands was evident, his rapid breathing muffled. Immediately, Remus could practically feel the heat radiating off of the boy. “D’you need anything?” To this, the boy raised his head, blue eyes looking back at Remus, as he wiped his eyes and faintly asked for water. “Water? Okay, okay,” within seconds he accio’ed a glass of water, handing it to the boy and sitting beside him.

They stayed in silence for a bit, Remus encouraging him to breathe slower, deeper - after ten minutes or so, he’d calmed down immensely. “So what’s wrong?”

The boy, he learned to find out his name was Noah, was perfectly lovely and great company, just very stressed about school - his guardians weren’t too well-versed in the wizarding world, and the push into a world like Hogwarts was still not something he’d gotten used to.

“My ma was a muggle, and I turned out well enough, huh?” This made the boy laugh, wiping the last of his tears away. They spoke for a bit, Remus eventually walking with him to the Gryffindor Common Room, and parting ways.

//

17th May 1976

Light beaming through the frosted window, he could barely see - fuck having hazel eyes, God. He shuffled over to sit in front of the window, somewhere where his eyes wouldn’t be disrupted by the lasers that were the sun. He’d finished all of his homework, done all of his revision, and now had just been re-covering some stuff.

“You look rather angelic right now,” Regulus had returned from the shelves; he‘d been gone for half an hour looking for some textbook and had a manic glint in his eyes. He sat down, and flicked to some random page and was enamoured in moments, as if he had never spoken at all, so Remus decided to ignore it.

//

“See you on Thursday?”

“Mhm, study club’s on Fridays so that’s alright..”

“That was my idea, y’know,” Regulus added,

“Only good idea you’ve ever added,” Remus retorted, much to the amusement of Evan. He began making his way back to the dorms.

Something about getting his work done, being on top of it, and being practically ready for exams by now, made him giddy - God forbid he tell another soul, he’d basically be begging to be made fun of, and he’d rather that not happen. It was his only way of control in his life, the only thing that he properly had a hold on, the only area in which external factors didn’t affect him; that’s why he liked it. It was something that was just his, that actually showed him; his energy, effort, himself. It sounded swotty, he knew that well enough, but he found it helpful that aside from being a cigarette-smoking, alcohol-drinking, sexually-confused werewolf, he was at least top in most of his classes.

//

“Where were you,” Sirius spoke with a stern tone; he was sitting on Remus’ bed, charming pieces of homework into origami. From what Remus could see, his bed had collected: five swans, seven frogs, four snitches and like twenty-seven hearts. He couldn’t imagine how long he had been doing that. “And what are those,” his finger waggled in front of his grinning face, pointing to Remus’ glasses, shit, my glasses, fuck, well.

“Library, and these,” he snatched them off of his face, shoving them in his pocket, “are glasses,” enunciating each letter, “not sure if you’re familiar.”

“Shut it you dickhead, they looked nice,” he began pushing the origami off of Remus’ bed, laying down and stretching rather obnoxiously. “Mhm, nice?” Remus walked over to his bed, kicking away a snitch and six hearts as he laid his bag down and pushed Sirius to the side, who was profusely red in the face by now.

“Whatever, why are you even in the library,” he added rather unnecessarily, “with them lot, so much, Moons?” he turned to his side, facing Remus, fiddling with a paper frog that looked awfully like Peter’s Charms homework. “OWLs? You have them too y’know, one day your gift is gonna run out and you’re gonna be stuck in the dungeon washing cauldrons,” he picked up a paper heart and whacked the other’s forehead.

“Goodness, that would never happen, little naive thing,” his grin spread at that moment, “the gift never runs out for the perfect!”

“Seems like you better start worrying then.”

Chapter Text

You're just a human, a victim of the insane

We're afraid of everyone

Afraid of the sun, isolation

The sun will never disappear

2nd June 1976

He’d been counting. He was on his twelfth cup of coffee - you know it was bad when he retired tea for its stronger alternative - so far in the OWLs period. It had been three days. He was very close to losing his mind if he were to be honest, but when was Remus really ever honest? Therefore, nobody knew, and to the outsider, Remus was thriving (he wished that was true). He’d finished his Potions exam just two hours before and he hoped that it was good enough, he really did - he was shit at Potions, and he’d be ecstatic if he scraped an A. He was relatively content with his work, and would rather not dwell on it because he knew how neurotic he got when he dwelled on exams.

He’d decided to settle on Astronomy for revising seen as the exam was the day after; he was ace at Astronomy to be honest, though he was starting to get antsy about everything and he’d rather secure an O than hope for one.

//

“Never thought I’d see you again.”

Remus had gotten back to the dorm five hours later - thankfully he walked straight into Lily who reminded him of the Prefect duty that he was supposed to have started half an hour ago. Astronomy was done, and he was content with what he did cover; eventually he found himself in an Ancient Runes textbook for the exam that was the day after, and then he found himself in the dark dorm, with a certain Sirius Black wiping his eyes with the heels of his palms. “Go back to bed you twit.”

With a grunt that sounded somewhat like a ‘fine’, Sirius collapsed down into his bed, and that left Remus all alone again. He jumped into the shower, ridding himself of his uniform and eventually by the window with a fag and an inability to even think of sleep.

//

3rd June 1976

Five in the morning, an empty pack of cigarettes and a horrible headache were the only things he could think of. He tried to sleep but God, he just couldn’t shut his eyes. His mind racing, screaming and shouting, he couldn’t quiet any of it. ’Fuck, did I write ‘beetle eye’ or ‘blowfly’?’ was a common one, he couldn’t help it if they both started and ended the same.

“Are you still fucking up?” The disembodied voice brought Remus’s soul out of his body - he whipped his head around to see a very cross looking James Potter, arms crossed and a stony glare. “Nah, ‘m asleep,” Remus got closer to his bed, staring warily at James as he got into his bed, “dunno what you’re on about.”

“Might as well join me,” the boy placed his glasses on his face, looking between his running shoes and Remus’ face - might as well?.

He found it implausible that despite the amount he smoked, he could outrun James ‘Quidditch’ Potter, though he didn’t mind being better at things than other people sometimes; he swears he isn’t self-obsessed. They’d finished up at around 6:30, the pair panting in unison, hands on their knees trying to stretch the inevitable ache that would arise. “Fucking hell Moony, you’re a fucking athlete I swear,” the words coming out as huffs of air, his caramel face adopting a redder tinge around his cheeks. “S’ppose I am,” he shrugged his shoulders, having finally caught his breath again, “should probably get back.” The other brought a thumbs up, catching up with Remus who had already begun walking back to the dorms.

//

”Remus,” the voice of Marlene came out from behind her hands that were currently holding her face. “Yeah?” he replied.

“Can you help me with Runes tomorrow,” the sentence punctuated with a groan as she picked up her cup of tea, staring expectantly at Remus. “Yeah, sure.”

A peep of a ‘thank you’ came from Marlene, her head in her hands again. “Don’t you have other revision to do?” Suddenly, Sirius’ voice came out from beside him. James and Sirius had already begun staring at each other in that type of way, where they could say anything without a noise from their mouths. “Already did it,” he retorted, picking up his second cup of tea and finishing it off. He could see Sirius’ grin peripherally as he said, “course you did.”

//

“Hey Loops,” her arm slung across his shoulders as she walked beside him. “Hey Marley,” he held the hand drawing off of his shoulder as they walked along the halls, “so where we headed?”

“Library Loops, Runes have got me fucked.” He let out a laugh at the vulgar statement as they navigated their way there, as they caught up about the week of OWLs so far.

“Y’know, I might just join your swotty club.”

“Merlin, don’t call it that, Lily will have your head!”

“That’s what it is though, isn’t it?”

“You aren’t wrong, Marley.”

“I hate that name, Remus, give me a new name!!” She pulled out a chair for Remus, as she went to the chair beside his, pulling out her textbook and resting her head on her chin. “Like what?”

“God, anything Remuss,” whacking his hand that rested on the table.

“I’ll think about it, Marley,” he grinned as she slapped his arm.

//

The both of them knew that they weren’t really going to do any Runes - it was a fool’s opinion to think that they would’ve done.

Remus and Marlene were practically the same person in different bodies - they had the same habits, the same sense of humour, and they were just as fickle and stubborn as the other. Ever since their first year, the pair had been awfully close; ever since third year, there’d been a discreet rumour that they were dating, and they found it hilarious. Neither of them knew if it had dissipated yet, but they also didn’t really care - neither of them really cared what other people thought of them. Once in a while, they’d always disappear for a few hours together, from the end of the last lesson to the brink of curfew. They’d listen to music, and smoke cigarettes and talk of the muggle world - they understood each other in a very special way that neither of them could find in another person.

“Did you see Top of the Pops on Christmas?”

“God, wouldn’t have missed it,” he ran his hand through his hair - he was tired, so very tired. He’d already worked on Runes for tomorrow so he let himself get lost in conversation, it was easy with Marlene.

“Remus, you got a tattoo?”

“What are yo- oh yeah, got four Marley,” he knew very well that she would be psyched by them - she’d already talked about how badly she’d wanted one, God and a lip ring but her mom would be fuming.

“And you didn’t tell me, Gods, we’re going to the dorms and you’re showing me each one.”

“Just tell me you want me to take my trousers off Marlene.”

“Don’t be disgusting, I’d rather eat a brick than touch you.”

//

“Why must such beautiful ink be wasted on a numpty like you,” she groaned in her hands.

Marlene placed the Rolling Stones on the record player, snatched a fag from Remus’s dwindling supply and hung their heads off the bed. They didn’t know where the girls were, but it was fine.

Don't question why she needs to be so free

She'll tell you it's the only way to be

The smoke billowed above them, the blood rushing to their heads. “I’m gonna go insane,” she mumbled, pulling herself fully onto the bed, placing her head on his chest.

She just can't be chained

To a life where nothing's gained

“I like this song,” Remus whispered, “want some weed?”

“Yes, Remus, obviously,” she sat up, slapping his leg to get up.

And nothing's lost, at such a cost

Goodbye, Ruby Tuesday

“That’s it!!”

“Have you finally lost your mind? What?”

“Ruby! You’re Ruby!” He was by the door by now, looking back to see her face.

“You’re smarter than I give you credit for Loops,” she smiled gently.

“I know Ruby.”

//

They were wonderfully high.

“Do you reckon Bowie is a wizard?”

“Maybe, Loops, maybe.”

His head was in her lap, her fingers playing with his hair.

“Miss home.”

“Me too Ruby, me too.”

“Finally got a snog y’know.”

“No shit, who?”

“Some girl back home, New Years’.”

“Aw, that sounds lovely.”

“And you Loops? Still a good Christian boy?” She asked, fingers picking up his cross pendant.

“Ruby I’m terribly defiled, the slaggiest swot alive.”

She giggled at his words, “so how many girls are we at?”

“Mhm, some girls, some boys, I’m a man of the people!”

“Thought so,” she spoke, “anyone caught your eye here?”

“Nah, not really, why?”

“Shame, I know some people who would be eager,” she giggled.

“Just say you love me Ruby.” She whacked his head.

“Get out of here,” and he obliged, “I love you Loops.”

“I love you too Ruby,” he shouted as he walked out.

//

9th June 1976

From the corner of his eye, he saw Lily’s finger picking out a biscuit from her bag. “Have this.” She handed it over, her eyes full of concern.

// Lily

She was happy. Honestly, so very happy. The first week of OWLs had been a breeze - DADA was okay, Potions was beautiful, Astronomy was a breeze, as was Runes, Arithmancy was easy, Divination a blessing and she probably could’ve done Herbology asleep. She hadn’t revised with Remus in a while - a couple of days - and she missed it, they worked wonderfully together. Though, she was a little concerned for him; he’d been more withdrawn than usual, disappearing after the last class, and barely speaking otherwise. She knows the exam period wasn’t ever too easy for him, but she’d seldom seen him consuming anything other than tea and far too much coffee for a functioning human. He’d rush outside after most exams to dorms, usually giving some excuse but once he let it slip that he was ‘itching for some fucking nicotine man’. He was clever, she knew it, probably the smartest person she knew, but he was a fucking imbecile when it came to taking care of himself. The day following they had Charms and Transfiguration which he was wonderful at too, but he knew that Defence was his best and it was probably only going downhill in confidence for him after that exam.

She fished a packet of biscuits out of her bag, handing him one and grabbing one for herself - Ms. Pince didn’t appreciate eating or drinking in the library, but she’d definitely make an exception for the two.

//

The clock struck eleven - far past curfew - and she decided it wise for the two of them to return to the common room, she wanted to catch up with him but the library was probably only filled with unwelcome anxiety for him right now. “Rem, you done?”

“Just this page,” his voice wavered off into his cup of coffee - who the fuck drinks coffee at this hour - as she packed up all of her stuff, helping him our around his textbook as well.

//

Settled around the dwindling embers of the fire, the two were snuggled onto the sofa on opposite ends. Tossing him a chocolate bar, they spoke of anything that came to mind - she could see the stress unravelling from his mind, she was grateful she could help him even if it was for one night.

“So, how’re you and James huh? Honeymoon phase or what?”

“Oh that, yeah that’s over,” she spoke, her voice calm as she looked over at him - he looked weirdly confused and astonished. “What’d he do?”

“Ha, he didn’t do anything; we’re just better off as friends.”

He didn’t look too surprised, though he did look weirdly concerned, “you sure?”

“Mhm, he said so himself.”

“Really?!” His eyes shot wide at her words - she didn’t blame him, she didn’t expect it either to be honest. After their date at Hogsmeade, they stayed close but he eventually came out and said they were better off as friends, and apologised for being such a pain in the ass, both of which she agreed with. “Mhm, I don’t mind, life moves on.”

“Sure does Lils.”

// Remus

11th June 1976

Finally, exams were over. He was disappointed - some weird sadistic part of him enjoyed exams , maybe for the stress, or the panic, or when it came easy to him, he didn’t know - relieved, and harbouring joy for the amount of weed he was about to smoke. He’d started running before school with James, a nice routine that helped him clear his mind. He revised with the girls or the Slytherins after school, and smoked until five in the morning.

The full was the day after, and he was awfully antsy and - forgive him for being so crude - horribly horny. As some type of blessing from God, he ran into Evan after dinner and he found himself with the boy in the Astronomy Tower at nine sharing their second spliff and lips on his neck.

“Fuck Evan, fuck,” he pulled away, nesting his free hand the other’s hair, locking lips instantly evoking a gentle groan out of the other. “Hmm, you’re so good, shit,” as the other pulled away, taking a puff from the spliff in Remus’ fingers and leaning back.

They spoke of exams, and random people, finishing their fag until Remus looked outside, eyes falling upon the setting sun. “Fuck, I should get going.”

“Mhmm, no fun Loops,” the other smiled a grin, hand coming up Remus’ chest, “guess we should go then.”

//

The full was fucking horrible.

Chapter Text

Just like a ghost you've been a-hauntin' my dreams

But now I know

You're not what you seem

Love is kinda crazy with a spooky little boy like you

18th June 1976

The rush of wind, of blood to his cheeks, the swooping feeling in his stomach - he lived for Quidditch. Gryffindor were sixty points up above Slytherin - the big game for the end of the year - and James was awfully smug that he got forty of those points. “And Howard closes the gap by ten for Slytherin!!” A wave of cheers erupted from the emerald side of the stands, a whisper of groans and boos from the burgundy side. Navigating between brooms and bodies, his eye caught a lingering quaffle - those smug bastards - he swooped over to it, snatching it up and aimed through the lazily kept Slytherin hoop. “And the gap widens with Potter’s undefeatable aim!!” Cheers, and screams filled his ears, though the only thing he could focus on was the stony glare from across the open air - the grey eyes of Regulus Black.

James could lie, but he wouldn’t, the glare gave him a blossoming joy, and made him horribly hot - he tried to ignore it, had tried to for months, but he really couldn’t anymore. Brooms flew swiftly past each other, quaffles flying skilfully and bludgers being the pain in the ass that they always were. A Slytherin beater fell down, much to the amusement of James, as Marlene tossed another quaffle, getting closer and closer to ruining the confidence of the Slytherins and snatching the snitch for themselves. He was praying and begging internally that Fenwick would just catch the fucking snitch, but until then, he would just swoop through the open air.

//

100 - 70 points to Gryffindor, and James had never felt more alive. He tossed another quaffle, flying through the brooms, waving to his mates and just relaxing because what could he even do at this point? Like an omen, as he thought this, his eyes found the snitch that was awfully close to Regulus, and James couldn’t just let Slytherin win - he would never do that. Flying through the air at a swift speed, he found himself right in front of Regulus. “Hey Baby Black, how’re you?”

“Fuck. Off.” Regulus drifted to the side, less than a second later, James mirrored his movement, “don’t want to talk, huh?” The slight flush on Regulus’ porcelain skin wasn’t lost on James - huh, weird “Fuck. Off.”

“What’d you think about the erm- wind today?” He spoke like a fool.

“Fuck off.” His words came out the same monotone voice as before, his fingers tightening on his broom - James saw the moment those stormy eyes fell on the snitch right behind James. In a series of swift movements, James looked over at Fenwick, signaling to the snitch behind him as he saw the other boy flying towards it, and James got closer to Regulus - as close as one could on a broom. “Maybe another time Baby Black,” he winked - immediately an eruption of cheers fell on the stands, “and Fenwick has the snitch!! Gryffindor wins with 260 points!!”

//

“That was awesome James!” Peter’s arms wrapped around James’ body, pulling him into a horribly tight hug. “Ha, thanks lad, was all Fenwick.”

“Don’t act humble,” Remus’ voice came from behind Peter, his arm slung across Sirius’ shoulders, a telling blush on Sirius cheeks, as he smiled to James, signalling physical touch - James really did think it would work out. “Remus is right, you were fucking insane man,” the other two rushed into James’ and Peter’s embrace, the four tightly packed, giggling and cheering.

//

“What the fuck was that?” The angry voice came from behind the corner of the changing rooms, the voice filling the empty room, belonging to Regulus. James had celebrated with his team, the win was majestic and the rest of the Marauders’ thought so too. He ran to the changing rooms, deciding to get back to the dorms as soon as possible to plan the end of the year party tomorrow. He’d just stripped his shirt off, stretching his arms, an ache blossoming in his quads. “What was what?”

He looked over to the shorter boy, getting closer with a rage in his expression, “what the fuck was that Potter?”

“Just some simple strategy Baby Black, I could teach you, y’know?”

“Oh fuck off,” he got closer, hands fisted at his sides, “don’t call me that.”

“Call you what?” He played dumb, apparently his boyish charm hadn’t fallen away after the game, the smug smirk still playing on his lips. “You know what,” his body closer to James’ bare chest. The two fell silent, the chatter outside of the changing rooms the only noise filling the room. His eyes found those curious grey eyes - searching for something, anger and something else so very apparent. James’ breath got faster, deeper and faster - he didn’t know what was happening, this wasn’t something that his Quidditch strategy could help. His gaze fell on the parted lips ahead of him, parted and letting out a hungry breath.

And he kissed him. The clash of hungry and angry lips; rage and passion transferring between the two. Pale slender hands, cold on sweaty skin, clutching onto his back - he grabbed a handful of hair, pulling so slightly, a whimper leaving the space between their lips. “Don’t touch me unless you mean it,” Regulus spoke, lips millimetres apart. He could feel the hot breath on his own lips, “you think I won’t?” James looked up into hungry eyes - fucking starving. His face adopted an adorable smirk, his eyebrows furrowed, “I know you fucking will,” hands dragging on James’ jaw, “that’s the problem.”

Chapter Text

And the sign said, "The words of the prophets

Are written on the subway walls

And tenement halls

And whispered in the sounds of silence"

19th June 1976

Normally, Remus would hate a place where everyone he did, and didn't know was shoved in a room too small for the magnitude of the crowd, with copious amounts of alcohol and usually bad disco music - though not when Remus was there - but, he didn’t mind it today. As an ode to the end of Fifth Year, the end of OWLs and the glorious victory in the Quidditch Cup - even Remus cheered which was a victory in itself - the party was a necessity, and so there it was.

Manoeuvring through various familiar faces, he did as tradition called for and went over to the drinks to get utterly blasted far too early in the evening. “Hey babes,” the arm came across his hip, pink nails tugging on the end of his shirt. “Hey honey, Ruby,” he addressed the two of them, both of the pair holding almost finished drinks. He snatched up a random shot from the table, and drank, “shall I fill those up for you lovely ladies?” Marlene urged the cup into his hand, desperate for any semblance of sobriety to leave her system, as Mary handed hers over, “thank you darling.” Eliciting a giggle from Remus, it elicited a scowl from whoever had come up behind him. He felt Mary’s arm get whacked by something, retreating to her side immediately - Remus chose to ignore it - as an arm with a tighter grip replaced it, “hey Moons,” and there it was, that special smirk. Somewhere behind him, he could hear Marlene and Mary whispering furiously, and giggling like maniacs.

“Hey Pads, want a drink?” He signalled to his hands pouring the last of Marlene’s drink in, the cup being snatched away from that very girl who chugged it in an instant. Sirius placed his hand on Remus’, and pulled, pouring the drink in his mouth straight from the bottle, skipping the ‘cup’ part entirely. “I prefer it straight from the source,” he replied, dragging the back of his hand across his mouth; he moved the bottle back to Remus, hand still on his, as he turned to stare at everyone ahead of them. Weird, weird, weird, but, shit I only had one shot, why is it so hot?

He chose to ignore the burning that was blossoming inside of him, as he usually did, and slung an arm across Sirius’ shoulder. He picked up the next bottle he saw on the table and snapped the cap off, chugging it, I can’t be sober right now. The next hour or two sort of passed in a blur, the only memory he really had was Sirius’ face - his smile, his eyes, his hand in his hair, his other hand on the small of Remus’ back.

//

“Ugh, me neither Jamie,” Lily’s voice brought him back to reality - he could actually remember what was going on from now on. The party had died down after a few hours, into the early hours of the next day; the entire group was huddled on the sofas. Fingers mindlessly twirling the hair in his lap, Sirius’ face looking up at him. “I feel so old, Merlin,” Mary’s voice murmured behind her cup, nails drumming on the side of the cup. “Just NEWTs left though,” the voice of Peter was followed by a group of sighs and discontent.

“Read the room Pete,” Remus spoke, feeling Sirius’ chuckle on his right hand, which was resting on the others’ chest. “Been a good year though, yeah Rem?” Remus hummed in agreement to Sirius, the rest of the following on and discussing the events of the year. “That Quidditch game was fucking gorgeous!” Pete said, excitement bubbling out of each letter.

“My star players,” Mary slurred, arms tossed around Marlene and James’ shoulders respectively. James turned a special shade of red at that, attempting to hide his grin which went primarily unnoticed, but not by Remus, mhm. “What’d we think of OWLs lads?” Marlene chirped up, eager to get the focus off of her. The majority of them hummed, all looking at Lily and Remus, “what did our swots think?”

“Not swots,” Remus murmured - at that, Sirius brought his hand up, playing with Remus’ hair, James glaring at Sirius, catching his eye and smirking. “Mhm, whatever you say, Prefect.”

“Shut up Ruby.”

“It was great I think, Transfiguration was beautiful honestly,” Lily brought the conversation back on top, “Rem?”

“Yeah, think I did alright..” he spoke, not entirely confident in himself.

“Oh shut up, you got straight O’s Moons,” Sirius whacked the other boy's arm playfully, soothing it right afterwards. Remus smiled.

//

He had about four hours until he was to wake up - after the party, the Marauders’ had retired to the dorm. Remus had urged the lot of them to pack before they forget something when packing hastily the next morning. They’d chatted for a bit, all far too inebriated for any coherent conversation, eventually departing to bed. He’d laid awake for half an hour, smoked a fag by the window, and then returned to bed. His mind raced with thoughts - the year gone had been so far out of his scope of expectation. He was grateful for it, truly; it had changed him in a way, and he was awfully pleased to get to see Elijah again. Though returning to Hogwarts wasn’t something that he was dreading either - he was happy.

Disrupting him out of his thoughts, a whisper was heard in someone else’s bed.

“But James-”

“Merlin, I see the way he looks at you, it’s obvious to everybody but you!”

“But he doesn’t even like boys James.”

“And neither did you, until you realised, yeah?”

“Well, I guess you’re ri- shit.”

“What?”

“Did we put up a silencing charm?”

“Oh er- I don’t-”

“Fuck James, fuck.”

And the rest of the conversation was silenced to the ears that had just started to pay attention. From what he had gathered, he was happy that Sirius really liked someone - he hoped nothing but the best for him. It was deserved, truly, though he couldn’t ignore that aching pain in his chest. That feeling of dread, of guilt, of silence. He tossed his covers out of the way and grabbed a packet of cigarettes - he needed a smoke.

//

20th June 1976

Upon being woken up by the ruckus in the dorm, he rubbed his eyes of the fatigue that covered them - the rest of them were wide awake. James and Sirius were whispering furiously in Sirius’ bed, the pairs’ eyes falling onto Remus’ bed every few moments. “Oh look who’s awake,” Peter announced, his hand smoothing down his hair, “finally, God,” he added in a whisper.

“Fuck off,” his voice scratchy from a lack of sleep, he sauntered to the bathroom.

As he left the bathroom, the other three boys were ready to leave, clearly waiting for Remus, “breakfast?” James asked, his voice chirpy.

“Yes please,” groaned Peter.

//

“You want toast?” He hummed in response; Sirius had insisted on getting Remus’ breakfast, tossing whatever he wanted on the plate, the lethargy seeping out of his skin. “C’mon,” he grabbed the sulking boy’s hand, and guided him to the table.

As they settled down, Remus’ head fell into his hands, the conversation continuing around him. The hangover in the others was evident, though Remus wasn’t too bummed by that - ever since what he’d heard last night, he felt sort of ill, but he couldn’t figure out why. He sipped on the tea beside him, and ate his breakfast, momentarily tuning into the conversation when he could bear it.

“You alright Rem?”

//

“ ‘Lright Lu?” The huskier than usual voice spooked him out of his daze.

“Eli!” Grabbing the boy ahead of him, he barely had a second to see his face before he was buried in his shoulder. “Missed me, huh?”

“Don’t get soppy,” he giggled, smacking the others’ shoulder as he followed Elijah’s walking body. “How’ve you been?” He spoke, picking out a fag and lighting it up as soon as they’d left the station’s vicinity. He hadn’t received a letter from Lyall, so he took it as an open invite to not return to the flat, or the manor, and he didn’t really mind. “‘ve been good, you?”

“Yeah, yeah, been alright lad,” breathing out the smoke and handing it to Remus, snatching up his case from his hand as he did so. “What’ve you been up to then Lu? Don’t leave me asking.”