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"Lord third,” Kakashi bowed to the Hokage with respect he did not currently have, waiting patiently for a gesture of acknowledgement to come in lieu of an answer before he continued speaking “i have a request to make, if you will indulge me”
The Hokage hums, tapping his calligraphy brush rhythmically against the hard wood of his desk as if unbothered by the shinobi kneeling at it's feet “very well, then, what is it you need?”
Kakashi breathed in deep, inside his mind he chastised himself for what he was about to request, yet his shame was not enough for him to reconsider “I would like access to Nohara Rin’s death case file”
There were glaring holes in his memories of the events and though Kakashi had been supposedly debriefed about those once he woke up, it was evident that the picture they painted wasn't complete, deliberately so.
They were withdrawing important information from him, Kakashi knew, and ever since Minato-sensei left him as well this knowledge has been haunting him, coming up in the back of his mind more often than it should, it is starting to interfere with his work
He just needs the peace of mind
Lord third sighs, his tapping coming to a momentary halt as tired eyes rise to level Kakashi, who dutifully keeps his head bowed low under his glare “as much as I would like to give you the answers you seek, the details of Nohara’s death are not to be publicized,as you should already know”
Kakashi understood this, of course, more than anyone he knew what Konoha feared would happen if the Intel reached the ears of Konoha's shinobi. A direct attack against the village made during the ending throes of war could only light it's spark once more, breeding resentment and distrust among the people
Distrust leads to hatred, Hatred left to fester always leads to violence, something that is only but one step from war. The people already object to the tentative peace between Konoha and the other nations, especially Iwa, after knowing of Kiri’s actions they would clamor for retribution.
And so, Rin will live on not as a hero who sacrificed herself for her people in a selfless act of bravery, but as another little girl fallen by conflict, just another of Kakashi’s many victims.
The truth of her death shall remain forever buried into Konoha’s darkest archives, a mystery to all that were not there during that fateful day, a tragedy which no one can fully explain.
He knows this, has made his peace with it.
However, “I know that! I only want myself to see it, not anyone else!” Kakashi protested, his head snapping up so he can meet Hiruzen's gaze with nothing but bitterness as he curtly loses his composure “I need to see it, please”
The Hokage raises an eyebrow at him before, once again, sighing– long and draw out as if unimpressed by Kakashi's clamors– now entirely forgoing his brush in favor of crossing both hands under his chin “I understand your emotions have become unstable in light of recent tragedies that have befallen our village, still, you must have the wit to understand how allowing you to do as you please could be seen as preferential treatment by the masses”
And though he can see where he is coming from, it only serves to make Kakashi want to laugh.
Preferential treatment is not something Kakashi would say he is quite accustomed to. He is a valuable asset, of course, and has always been treated as much, but never anything more than that.
Early graduations, positions he did not deserve to be in, an overflow of missions with little reprieve. Kakashi was grateful for all of those, but he would hardly call it preferential, not when he knew of men in the Hokage's very council whose treatment much better suited the title
And yet, all he can say is;
“I understand…”
Because Kakashi knows a losing battle when he sees one, has been taught to by the storms of life
Hiruzen hums, he picks up his pipe to take a drag, then his eyes fall back down to the documents in his desk “if you are finished… you may dismiss yourself hound”
“Yes, sir”
Kakashi leaves the Hokage's office, the rhythmical tap of a calligraphy brush against hard wood trailing behind him like a ghost
The day after Nohara Rin’s untimely death Hatake Kakashi had woken up in cold sweat under the plain white roof of Konoha's hospital, screaming.
His recollection of the events that followed his hand lodging itself deep into Rin's heart were scattered, hazy, like something out of a dream. For just one moment, nothing had felt real, Like time had stopped while his vision blurred with tears. All he could truly recall was the sensation of her blood cascading down his arm and her last whisper of his name.
Then, it all went black.
Kakashi had woken up terrified, unsure of how and when he had gotten where he was, failing to understand that he wasn't dead.
How? how could all of those enemies have been killed when it had been only the two of them, and no one else on the battlefield– neither a passed-out boy or a dead girl could have done such a thing, so who had killed all of those shinobi, who had saved him?
Why, why did someone have to intervene? Kakashi should have died alongside Rin, it would have only been fair.
His superiors had simply told him to forget about it when he had asked them, and as the dutiful soldier he has always been, he had attempted to.
Now, Kakashi turns his collar around in his hands, scratching his finger across the numbers etched into the metal of his tag, and finds it quite difficult to forget.
He should be dead, had been so near death's cold embrace more times than he could count, but it always seemed to elude him, despite his best wishes– or perhaps due to them.
Maybe this was all just a punishment for his many sins.
he plays with his collar absent-mindedly while reminiscing, staring at the ceiling without really staring, Numb to the world.
It has been six years, Since the day where Kakashi had broken into Konoha’s archives to investigate a wood-style user that he had seen working for Danzo.
Kinoe, was the operative’s name, or as he was called now, tenzou.
Back then, filled with grief and anger which he did not know what to do with, Kakashi had very near aided Shimura Danzo in a hostile takeover of Konoha. His patience with the third Hokage had been wearing thinner and thinner for a long time and Kakashi was still struggling to come to terms with his own loneliness when all of his team was gone.
But he couldn't bring himself to go through with it in the end. Rather, after being found illegally rummaging through the archives, his hands only inches away from grasping at an inconspicuous document that he would never imagine to find under the “wood style” filer, Kakashi had made himself retreat, had told the third Hokage all about Danzo's plans and, as such, saved his life
And what good had that done him? Kakashi could not help but wonder. Danzo was still there, high-up on his pedestal, untouchable and entirely aware of such a fact, doing whatever he so pleased.
Meanwhile Hiruzen remained impassive, leaving Kakashi in the dark, using him as he saw fit without throwing him even a single bone for his efforts.
Kakashi thinks of that archive and a frown takes form in his mouth, there, filed among studies on the Mokuton’s abilities, had been a folder under the name of "the Sanbi massacre"
Kakashi had reached for it, unbelieving that it could truly be what he had imagined it to be, however before he could feel it under his fingers and know that it was real, Lord third had shown up behind him with his calm voice and reassuring words, convincing Kakashi to join back his side.
And now he is stuck, trapped between a rock and a hard place– between a man who wishes him owned or dead and one who will not see him as more than a foolish child, whose words are of no value. A man who sends assassins after him and one who turns a blind eye.
Formally Dismantling root wasn't enough, It was still alive under the surface. The loyalty Danzo had manufactured did not disappear simply because Hiruzen had hoped it would. All the Hokage had accomplished was turning Root’s activities away from the public eye.
Kakashi would know, after all, root had just made another attempt for his eye the day before, and just like every time before this it been waived away under Hiruzen for deniable plausibility
But that wasn't what bothered Kakashi, rather, it was tenzou. Tenzou who had so nearly been assassinated by Danzo, Tenzo who possessed the Mokuton.
kakashi wanted to ask– was it you? Did danzou have his eyes on me already, then? Was he involved in what happened, was he trying to isolate me so no one would notice it when I was gone?
But he never dared to. The words always ended up stuck in his throat because something about this conclusion feels wrong, like something is missing, a piece of the puzzle which Kakashi could not place.
Except; he could.
If only he would open that archive once more, if only he took this one final step, he had done it before– why not do it again?
The truth was, Kakashi clutched at his collar, that he was afraid.
He understood that Hiruzen had only allowed him to come unscathed from that first encounter because of what he could gain from him, Kakashi did not think he would be so lucky if he tries again.
Especially not when what he wanted to take was not a confidential document unrelated to himself, one which only drew his interest due to his thirst for knowledge
No, If he was caught with Rin’s files on his hands, Kakashi knew that there would be consequences. After all, Hiruzen had made it rather clear that he did not wish for him to access that file years ago.
Kakashi scoffs, he can already see the rumors that would stir within Konoha’s populace, did you know? he wanted to erase all the evidence of what he did to that poor girl! That monster…
Kakashi was no stranger to rumors, had grown up surrounded by them like ghouls, vultures that encircled him wherever he went.
He understood what they meant for those targeted, had long grown accustomed to the repulsion and disdain of his fellow Shinobi, to the fear and ostracization from his people, had grown accustomed to their ruthlessness
He knew the quickness with which the village would turn against it's own, knew that once it found someone to latch its fangs onto it would not release until their blood was spilled.
Like his father’s had once been
So, even if sometimes they would spit ‘friend-killer’ and Kakashi would hear ‘traitor’, even if ‘cold-blooded’ so often sounded like ‘coward’ to his ears, Kakashi knew how to deal with the rumours.
But this wouldn't only be rumors, it would be a treasonous action for which he could actually face the fall for. The social opinion towards himself already interfered with his work enough, this would ruin him, would give them leverage to say as they pleased.
Would give Danzo leverage to sink his claws into him…
And he is so tired of fighting. So tired of being told again and again of his own mistakes.
tired of drunken shouts in his face about the cowardice of a man he had never truly gotten the chance to known, tired of reminders of the mistakes that had stained his life, tired of whispers about “friend-killer” Kakashi, who you should never turn your back to.
He was tired, so, so, tired. Because it was all true.
Kakashi pulled back his hand, the glinting silver of his tag now a disgusting shade of blood red.
He was so, so, tired. But nothing would ever stop the rumors and the harassment, nothing would erase what he had done.
Nothing would dispel her ghost, following him though empty streets.
And nothing would subdue Danzō, because Hiruzen would never pick Kakashi over him
So, what would one more thing to his endless list of bad decisions really change?
It is on a dark winter night that Kakashi finally goes through with his plan, once more breaking into Konoha's top-secret archives– this time, however, he is much more careful.
The wind is cold, gelid, and it feels like a premonition of all that is to come. Kakashi wasn't bothered, however, because for him it wasn't new, these streets always felt cold– littered with carcases of his past as they were– but somehow the archives felt even colder
Breaking in was the easy part, what was truly difficult was knowing he could be caught at any moment. He knew it wasn't a coincidence that Hiruzen had found him that day. So this time, rather than use a lantern to see, Kakashi reads In the dark. Straining his Sharingan eye.
He doesn't even need to look for the document, knowing it’s location by heart after having seen it in between the Mokuton files from so long ago, Kakashi takes it into his hand as if it was a ticking bomb. No turning back now.
Kakashi had expected Danzō to be involved in some manner, for that to be the secret that the Hokage was so intent on keeping. He didn't know whether the truth was better or worse.
“When the retrieval team arrived at the area, the only living person left was Hatake Kakashi, surrounded by over thirty corpses of Kiri-nin we couldn't identify
The clearing was entirely coated in blood and there were uneven trees growing from unusual locales, analysis of their chakra when compared to the fatal wounds inflicted onto the enemy Shinobi seems to indicate use of Mokuton.
Nohara Rin’s cadaver was nowhere to be found, it is presumed that the anonymous attacker took it with them”
They took her corpse...
They took her corpse.
Kakashi felt bile rise to his throat, but he swallowed it down. He quickly recorded the remainder of the documents with his Sharingan before brutally slamming the file closed and shoving it back into place.
Kakashi had been told that Rin’s corpse had been destroyed by the Kiri Shinobi to cover up their tracks after Kakashi had passed out, not that her body was still out there but Konoha couldn't find it because someone else had taken it
He took a moment to force himself back into standing upright, before bolting it out of the archive room and back into Konoha’s empty streets
Apparently, there were no vestiges of Rin’s body to speak of that may suggest attempts of evisceration, not even kiri's best hunter-nin would be able to do such a all-encompassing disposition that left no evidences of itself while in the throes of battle like that
No signs of erasure, but there were signs of the mysterious attacker right around where she had been when Rin was last seen, leading the investigators to conclude they’d taken her body, as it was likely that the attacker was affiliated to Konoha, or at least their particular Shinobi cell, in some way– considering that Kakashi had been left entirely unharmed.
But it wasn't tenzou, which was what worried them all so much. The chakra they detected was completely different from root's operative Kinoe, as was the pattern of his attack. apparently, Danzo himself felt threatened by this unknown attacker enough that he attempted to send a team out for them.
A mysterious person who had spared his life in the midst one of the bloodiest massacre in recorded history, a mysterious person who had stolen his friend's body.
Kakashi gagged, rushing himself to his apartment with single-minded hurry so he could finally let it all out, could give himself to the primal need to hide.
Yet there was nowhere to hide. Nowhere felt safe anymore, from others, from himself. Home didn't feel like home, hadn't for a long time, and Konoha felt no safer for him than the battlefield.
So soon as he made his way inside, Kakashi had already thrown himself over the kitchen sink, feeling his mind slip away from him, like many times before, entering a dissociative state as he turned on the hot water and began to scrub
He scrubbed and scrubbed until his hands were raw and red, until his skin peeled under his own fingertips and the hot water scalded his flesh, but no matter how much he tried the red would never disappear.
He would never be clean, after all, this red wasn't physical– no, it was a curse. A monument to all his sins that would remain with him long after he passed, his punishment for the failure that he had made out of himself
He wondered how dirty he was, wondered whether if he peeled all the way through to his bones it would be her blood that he would find there, too.
Then, slowly, the fog in his mind cleared away, leaving only a broken man behind in it's shadow and Kakashi screamed his throat sore until he passed out, his body over the sink with the water still running.
He could cry, beg, trash, do whatever he so wished but it was all pointless, he will never be clean again.
This is fine. He doesn't deserve to be.
Kakashi woke up that morning and immediately requested a week-long mission, the furthest away from Konoha that he could get.
It was a momentary reprieve, an ineffective distraction from his own mind. He should have learned by now that those missions never help– he can turn his mind off and kill, kill, kill for a couple of days, of course–
But then, inevitably, he returns home and crashes down. Guilt gnawing at his heels at every turn he makes, confronted with the reflection of what he has become when he looks in the mirror. Rinse, repeat, it’s always the same.
So, instead of requesting another mission, Kakashi stays home after riding the waves of his crash. He lays down in bed and stares up at the ceiling, Catatonic as all his memories dance in front of his eyes.
Memories. Memories were a curse.
Everywhere he went, every place he passed these memories would come with. Silhouettes of the ghosts he chased, snippets of happier times where everything wasn't wrong, where everything was alright.
And then, like that, the peace was gone, replaced with visions of their dying moments, of their bloodied faces, reminding him of all of his mistakes like it was their right to.
Every memory, every remembrance, every visual, it is always them. Taunting him with all that he had lost. Except, now there is something poking at the back of his consciousness, a memory he can't quite unlock.
This is new. Ever since Kakashi got the Sharingan, he has been able to remember nearly everything that he has done with haunting clarity. The last expressions of all those he killed, the voices of all who begged him to be spared, the feeling of their heartbeat going stagnant under his fingertips.
Yet no matter what he tries, his mind just won't will itself to remember more than a few blurry images of the person who had saved him that day, of the one who had ruined his life. He finds himself each time more angered, what good did it do them? Did they feel satisfaction in condemning him to keep living a life so worthless? what would it have cost them to allow time to flow naturally as it should, to allow him to be taken away by the blades of the same men that had doomed Rin to such a fate, why save him when she was already without breath?
It isn't until a couple of weeks later, as he once again comes back from a bad episode, that things finally fall into place for Kakashi.
Another attempt had been made by Danzou, seemingly he had already found a replacement for tenzou as his assassinator.
But once again the councilman failed, and he would always fail, no matter who he sent. kakashi will sooner die and endure the worst torture ibiki has reserved only for the most vile of traitors than even dream of allowing Obito's last dying gift to be taken away from him.
If root wanted to lay their corrupted hands upon his Sharingan they'd have to pry it from his own cold and dead ones.
(And even if he could resign himself to death by their hand, Kakashi would much rather live a thousand miserable years than give Danzō the satisfaction of laying a single finger in Obito's eye)
So, he went on living, even if the concept ate him from the inside, Kakashi endlessly wondering about how the world could be so unfair as to allow him to carry on when all those he cared about weren’t extended the same privilege. How it was a possible that their much more deserving paths were cut-short while his treacherous one seemed to lay endless ahead
He wonders whether this is his punishment. Yet still, he made a promise, to allow Obito to see the future, and he will not be a vow-breaker twice over
So Kakashi conies on, even when guilt gnaws at him for only showing Obito the worst that the world has to offer, even when every night he finds himself in this same position– hunched over his sink fruitlessly attempting to wash away all his wrongdoings
One moment he had been staring intently at the red that stained his very soul, the red which would never leave him. The next he could suddenly see something, something his mind can't reach. He passes out before he can even attempt to.
When he woke up in a cold sweat the next day all Kakashi could think about was Rin’s death, about the bloody massacre that had taken place as he struggled for consciousness on the soiled grass.
He has no idea why, but something last night sent his memories into overdrive and now he can remember that day. Not clearly, not meaningfully but–
Blood, splattered all across the battlefield, the trees, and the soil taking to it like water. He struggled to keep his vision from whiting out as the anguished cries of the mist shinobi who has attacked him and Rin sang all around him. Kakashi could barely see anything more than his enemy’s bloody remains.
He attempted to reach a hand out for Rin, tough he did not know what he would do if he reached her, it didn't matter as Kakashi was never even got close, kept slipping in and out of consciousness
It was right as he blacked out entirely that he saw it, a figure whose form he couldn't distinguish past their long raven hair in his memories, they bent down and picked Rin up, branches sprouted around them, barricading Kakashi’s view.
When he woke up, everything but the corpses of the Kiri-nin who'd kidnapped Rin were gone.
Why now? Why does he remember now?
Regardless, one thing was hauntingly clear, the truth finally settling in Kakashi's mind when he could never truly accept it before, there was someone that night who had been looking for them, had taken Rin and saved Kakashi’s life, and that someone– that thing was still out there.
Where had they buried Rin’s body?
Had they buried it at all?
Kakashi felt nauseous, dizzy, he picked himself up and put his gear on, jumping out of the window. Maybe a mission would help, he told himself once more
(He should have known better)
It didn't help at all, is the only thing Kakashi could say about that mission without compromising any confidential information. When he had shown up at the mission desk so early in the morning the Hokage had smiled at him, all-knowing– some might even say malicious– and stated that he had an assignment perfect for Kakashi to fill out.
A small group of rogue Shinobi had been spotted camping around Konoha's outer walls, presumably hoping to break in, Kakashi was sent to take scope of the situation and dispose of them, if necessary.
Well, it had been necessary. When they first engaged him in combat it was roughly five in the morning and they outnumbered him by nine, when the battle ended it was roughly five fifteen and he outnumbered them by one.
Their hearts beat in his hand even now, static running through the veins like the blood they now lacked, all of it cascading through his fingers, staining his clothes, staining his soul.
He came back to the Hokage with their heads all shoved inside the same compact scroll, cut from their bodies and was told to do had he needed to kill them, lord third only smiled, the very same smile from earlier in that morning, he said he did a good job. Kakashi felt sick to his stomach.
A few of them were so young, too. Younger than Kakashi, who has always been constantly reminded of his relative youth by his veteran peers. They were no more than teenagers, likely chunin of rank. What could they have been Sixteen? Fifteen? God
Kakashi is tired.
He walks through Konoha’s streets now, numb and cold, looks around every turn and nook as if waiting for someone to attack him, even when he knows such ambush won't come.
His mind is in a daze, his massacre blends with the one of his memories and he wonders whether they saw as much of a monster in him as those Kiri-shinobi had undoubtedly seen in his mysterious benefactor.
It would be fine if so, Kakashi did too.
His mind barely works, he goes home to change, pretends to go out to eat but actually ends up walking around the training grounds and only consuming soldier pills, then he goes back home and lays on the floor staring up at the ceiling until it was dark outside and the moon had replaced the sun up in the sky.
He picks at his skin, around the dry spots left from his washing and wonders why they weren't rotten when everything else in him was.
He wanted to wash his hands again but could not get up, instead he continued to lay on the floor and think, his mind running in circles while he felt each time more disconnected from everything around him. He thought About Rin and Obito, about his dad and Minato-sensei. He thought and thought until their bloodied faces in front of his eyes felt real.
Once more he the mysterious attacker came to his mind, about who they could possibly be and what were the reasons behind their actions. About what they’d done with Rin’s corpse, though he knew it hardly mattered now, as it had likely already decomposed.
Maybe if he had been quicker, if he cared a little more. Just another in which he has let his teammates down.
He is tired, and confused and disgusted by the village and everyone inside it, at the Hokage who never told him anything, who only pretended to care about them when he sat in his chair and ordered Kakashi to clean up his dirty laundry while assuring him that he should be grateful for the bare minimum consideration.
In the end he will admit that it had been an impulsive decision, when he decided to leave Konoha in search of a man he knew nothing of, hoping for news about the corpse of a girl who could likely not even stare who he had become in the eyes after all he had done.
When he decided this place has taken so much from him and never given anything back, when decided that if he wanted any answers he would need to find them himself.
(And maybe a small fraction of him, one that he had buried deep down at the age of four– right after he had come across his father’s cooling corpse– says that maybe this village is just as rotten as he is, more so in fact, Because maybe he is a monster only because it was what they willed)
It'd been an impulsive decision when he silently began to pack his stuff away into neatly organized scrolls, only the things he would need, and it'd been an impulsive decision when he went to the Hokage tower to take, without approval, a week-long mission, the longest he could find at this time of night. it had been an impulsive decision when he went to the Yamanaka flower shop to buy what would be his last bouquet of white Lilies.
So accustomed with Kakashi’s tendencies, the clerk hadn't even questioned why Kakashi had came in so late to buy flowers, they kept it running late for him, after all.
Now, he kneels in front of the memorial stone and wonders what he would think of him if he knew “I'm sorry” he tells him, genuine sorrow dripping into his voice despite his resolution “you’ll still see the world, I will be able to show you so much more now, I promise”
He speaks as if it is a given that he will go through with this frankly terrible idea of his, but deep down he knows why he is truly here– this is his last chance to change his mind.
Obito had wanted to be Hokage, and now Kakashi stands before his ghost and speaks of deserting the village the boy had once yearned to save.
He will cast away not only his team’s memory, but his own. Who will Kakashi be once he can no longer be hound, once he can no longer be useful?
Kakashi has always known his place. A weapon, useful only so long as it listens to it’s wielders, disposable tool as he is, he has bled and fought for his village and the people in it since before he can remember. That is all he has ever been good for, that is all he has ever known.
And now he will thrown it away, chasing the shadows of a Shinobi he has never properly met before. Would Rin have wanted that, when she had sacrificed herself for the very village he plans on leaving?
He doesn't know, can’t tell whether it will ever feel right, but he needs his answers and he needs the closure.
Beyond this, however, much more selfishly, Kakashi just can't keep on fighting anymore. He is tired of protecting Obito’s eyes from his own superiors, tired of taking mission after mission and dirtying his hands for the Hokage’s benefit.
“I will visit, one day” he promises, touching his forehead to the stone, shutting his eyes tight and, like that, bidding his time. Once he is outside the village's walls there will be no turning back “but for now, this is goodbye”
He passes through sensei’s and Kushina-san's memorials, apologizes to them as well and promises that he will write about the sights he sees so that Kushina can experience them too when he visits one day, knowing she had always resented her imprisonment within Konoha’s inner rings.
Then he comes to Rin’s empty grave, it's emptiness feeling so much more hollow than it had ever before, and just the sight of it makes him want to vomit.
He doesn't know what she would see, now, if she saw him. What she would feel. He will never know.
“One day, Rin” he says, though he knows she is not there. It had never impacted him as much before as it did now, knowing her body had been taken away “I will bring you back home” to the home you wished so dearly to protect.
He knows this, too, could be an empty promise– is most likely an empty promise– He doesn't know what the stranger did to her. He could have destroyed her corpse, for all her knows, or he could have found a way to preserve it
Independent, even if it is only her skeleton that he can recover, he wishes to one day bring it back.
“Until I find you, I'll miss you” he tells her, this is his last goodbye, and his last chance to turn around. But being here has only strengthened his resolve.
Kakashi slides a finger to his ANBU mask, hanging from his hip. From tonight onwards, he can no longer be hound.
Hopefully one day Gai will forgive him. It is better this way, regardless, without Kakashi here he shall’ thrive much more than he already was thriving, their rivalry had been fun for while it lasted, but Gai didn't need him any longer. A free man as his rival was, Kakashi could only serve as the anchor that brings him down, down to the dark depths at which he belonged. Gai doesn't deserve that.
Kakashi was, after all, a curse. A parasite stealing away at the lives of those he held dear, leading them to their deaths.
At least where he is going, there will be no one to curse with his love.
Kakashi stood unmoving on the roof of Konoha’s outer wall, wasting unwisely the time he didn't have. Only one more step to take.
one more step and his desertion will be official, one more step and he'll become the traitor he had always feared becoming, one more step and all that he had ever known would crumble under his feet to never come back. There would be no forgiveness for him if he got his way.
Friend-killer Kakashi, of course, would know. How many deserters had he been sent to hunt, only to now stand here a hypocrite of his own making?
He could always turn back, He could give up on whatever the freedom he'd decided to chase meant, try to tell the Hokage he would like to search for the person who had spared his life that day and see whether he would be allowed this one selfish desire.
Kakashi could go back to what he knew, he didn't need to take the step, didn't need to make the jump.
But who was he trying to trick? Kakashi was not foolish enough to believe that the Hokage would ever side with him in this matter, he had denied him time and time before, it won't be any different now. The only way forward he would have to carve himself
The worst part is that it isn't just that that propelled him, He doesn't want to go back. Unable to imagine himself going back to the village that took so much from him, who killed his father and spit in his grave with a grin.
He wants to take the step. Despite all logic, despite understanding how Ill-prepared he truly is and how hastily put-together this entire plan had been, despite knowing they would so soon go after him, he wants to take the step
Maybe it's stupid but Kakashi has nothing to lose, not anymore, and he knows that if he goes back his mind will clear and his courage will leave him, that way he will fall back into the cycle he was living in before to never escape. This was his one chance.
So he takes it, hesitantly, almost fearfully. He closes his eyes and jumps from the wall that secured his village, kept Kushina caged, and makes this one final selfish decision.
The nothingness that follows makes his blood chill.
He doesn't know what he had expected, perhaps he childishly hoped for some type of change that would befit the enormity of his decision. Screams of disgust as the villagers rallied behind him, A sudden condensing of the air as an omen to the harsh path ahead, or at least an unshakeable feeling of guilt that would make it’s home in his stomach.
Instead there is nothing. He doesn't feel any different, and the night remains just the same. There’s nothing to signify how big a change his life has now just suddenly undergone.
There’s only himself, the tree, the wall standing tall just a meter behind him and the howling of the night breeze.
Kakashi experimentally hops from one branch to the next one, and still there is no sudden rush of emotion, no sudden overhaul of his very being or a commotion starting up behind him– once more, there is nothing
And when he finally feels something, it is relief. All encompassing, running through him as he let out a breath he hadn't known he’d been holding, perhaps he’d been holding it his entire life.
Now freed from his own silly expectations, because of course no one would know to come after him, no one would know to expect his defection, Kakashi easily takes the jump to another tree and realizes how it hardly feels any different than any other mission he had been sent in before.
The only change, truly, was that he would likely never come back after this one
As he comes to terms with the Irrelevancy of his actions in the grand scheme of things, Kakashi takes off, setting a quick pace for himself. He trudges forward without looking back, lest he gets caught.
Kakashi swings himself from one branch onto the next, indulging in an utterly pointless twirl before he lands, giggling at the banality of it all as he does.
Weightless, is how he feels, hopping from tree to tree with unnecessary shows of dexterity. Jumping higher than needed, landing at the tip of his feet, air rolls. There is a sense of freedom tugging at him, something he had long buried.
With each jump this feeling grows and he allows himself to enjoy the moment despite everything.
Kakashi has always enjoyed spinning, doing cartwheels and the like, but it was unbecoming of a Shinobi to indulge in such childish displays. Now, however, he has nothing to prove to anyone– has already done the most unbecoming thing of all.
It has been a long time since he has last allowed himself to act so freely, the whole thing reminding him of a better time, a time that was now so long lost to Kakashi that he sometimes wonders whether it was ever real at all.
Back when he was a snobbish child with an attitude problem, recently enrolled into the academy, his father had taken it upon himself to teach him tree-walking (after much begging from his son)
Of course, after learning the basics, Kakashi had applied himself to honing the technique and, once he had mastered it, had called his father over to show him his improvement with a rehearsed acrobatic show.
He might not remember much, the details long gone from his mind, but he does remember his father's proud smile with utter clarity. Not because it’d been proud, but because it’d been a smile– a genuine one, an expression that had become so rare it would always stick with him whenever he was able to catch a glance of it
It moved him to start practicing more silly tricks, laughing all the while with him because he felt like he could, for this one moment, make his father happy even when it seemed like Sakumo was never happy anymore, left with only hollow smiles that carried no sentiment and dismissive head-pats as he refused to tell Kakashi what was wrong until it killed him
Until the scent of death clinged to their house's every crevice, the floor forevermore stained red, until Kakashi was left to pick up the pieces of himself that had shattered in the thunder that followed his discovery of his father’s disemboweled corpse.
It has been the first time Kakashi’s hands had been stained by blood, clinging to him as he fruitlessly attempted to stop the bleeding, to bring his father back.
From then on, he hardly ever felt the whimsy he had indulged himself with before, there was no purpose to it with his father gone, nothing felt alive anymore
But now? Now, even if he didn't know how long it would really last, Kakashi felt the most alive he had ever been, finally for even just one moment able to tune out the screams and hushed whispers of the villagers, forget the bloodshed, the orders, the war.
There was only one thing he needed to do; find the wood-style user and question him, but he didn't really have a timer hanging over his head, most likely this would take him a few years– he didn't even know just who or what it was that he was looking for, so he got to decide where to go to first.
Kakashi propped himself higher over one tree to watch the forest below, beautifully shadowed under the moon’s blue-tinted beams of light, and he wondered where to go next.
Was the man a missing-nin? Doesn't feel unlikely. Regardless, they are likely not near water– had they been a loyal Shinobi, they certainly didn't hail from Kiri, as they would have no reason to become hostile to their brethren, and even if they were a missing-nin from there they would likely rather avoid it.
There’s something in his chest, Kakashi thinks, something that tells him to go to grass, back to where everything started, where things began to fall apart.
Regardless of whether the culprit was in kusa or not, at least the place of Rin’s death was on the way to it. Kakashi would pass it by quickly, before departing from fire entirely to only come back when out of options, when he had no more places left to search, not eager to linger in the one country that would sooner and more diligently than any other be searching for him.
With that in mind, Kakashi took a turn northwest. Falling back into his acrobatics routine, the watch post shouldn't be until a few miles from now, all he needs to do is pass it by and he will be fine to bide his time a bit more, properly plan his actions, slow down and have a conversation
There are, after all, a few friends he needs to notify of his change and alliances as soon as he possibly can.
In reality, thinking about this makes Kakashi rejoice, jumping to the ground as he pulls out a scroll from his pouch, unfurling it in a lovely whirlpool moved by the air as he descends.
He bites into the rough skin of his thumb, letting his chakra run through him as he channels it into his palm, creating an already dissipating bout of smoke
The smoke clears, in it's place appears a little pug and Kakashi smiles, genuine and joyful
He might no longer have his father to show-off to, no Minato-sensei to pretend to fawn over his feats or Kushina-san to ruffle his hair, losing all family in the most conventional sense of the word.
But he has never been well and truly alone, his pack has always been his family and his home, and they deserve to know about such an important decision.
For now, as to not draw attention, he calls upon only the smallest of dogs, Pakkun, Who looks up at him with a tilt of his head, waiting for a report
“I’m gone” he said, a happy laugh filtering through him at Pakkun’s confused glare, licking at his teeth “what, exactly, does that mean, boss?”
Kakashi swallows, a gentle type of fear at the back of his mind as he dreads his ninken’s disapproval “I've left Konoha, I am defecting!” He clarifies, tentatively bringing his hands to pet Pakkun’s head.
“Oh” Pakkun says, simply.
Kakashi bites his bottom lip, suddenly finding himself quite nervous “do you disapprove of my decision?”
Pakkun thinks for a moment, leaving Kakashi to attempt to control his fast-beating heart, then shakes his head, waving away Kakashi’s worries “I think you will be better off this way. Regardless, boss, remember that we are loyal to you, not your village. We will always be by your side, no matter what you choose”
Kakashi smiles softly, a relieved sigh punching out of his chest “thank you” he says, truthfully, meaningfully, offering a last scratch behind Pakkun’s ears before standing up-right
“Well, I have to get going, I will fill you into the details. alert me if anyone comes towards us, alright? We will be passing through the outer border check soon”
Pakkun nods, continuing to run by the ground as he follows Kakashi’s movement through the trees, distantly he whisper-shouts “this is the most determined I've seen you in a long time”
Kakashi smiles, “I suppose it’s the most determined I've felt in a long time, too…”
There is no answer to Kakashi’s admission, but the silence settles over Kakashi's shoulders rather comfortably.
It isn't long until they make their way to the border patrol territory, as they encroaches upon it, Kakashi quickened his pace, making himself seem to be a in quite the hurry, placing his ANBU mask over his face
The guard does not bat an eye at Pakkun trailing behind him, it wouldn't be suspicious for Kakashi to summon one of his dogs to watch his rear– not like if he had summoned his entire pack while seemingly in friendly territory
The Shinobi on rotation greet him sluggishly and asks to see his mission scroll, they are evidently tired and that can work to Kakashi's benefit very well, a not entirely feigned restlessness takes place over his body language, passing across the message that he had been involved in a time-sensitive mission, making them jolt to service, willing to cooperate so he could return to his task as quickly as possible
Satisfied by the reaction, Kakashi unfurls his scroll to one of the other jounin with his thumb conspicuously hovering over where the signature of acceptance would usually go.
The man looks at it between squinted, sleepy, eyes before giving him the all-go, not at all noticing that this mission had not been rung up by the desk Shinobi before he left.
They were, after all, all home by the time Kakashi had gotten in. He couldn't wait till morning, lest he psych himself out.
his forgery of the signature was only passable then not under scrutiny, using the sharingan had never been permitted inside the Hokage's office and before this morning he had never had a reason to disobey such rule
Rapidly Kakashi turns to rush away, not giving the men enough time to make any undesired questions. He looks over his shoulder frequently during the first few minutes of their leaving, but soon Kakashi grins, pleased with how far he has gotten, and reaches to pull out his scroll once more
As smoke fades out, Kakashi decides not to wait for them– they can keep up, after all. Said and done, as soon as his dogs take gander at the situation they start after him, trudging by the ground in pursuit.
“So… what is the order of business?” akino asks bemusedly from his place on the ground, “do we have an emergency?”
Kakashi rolls his eyes all too theatrically, “of sorts”
Bisuke Snickers, propping himself over anything he could find so he could begin his way up to Kakashi’s height over the trees “don’t try to be cryptic and cool, you aren't good at it, boss” the dachshund taunts, jumping onto Kakashi's arms and forcing him to catch.
“Bisuke!” Uhei scolds, but gets interrupted by Urushi “he is right, tough, we cannot help if we don’t understand the urgency of the situation”
Kakashi smiles, taking Bisuke’s subtle signal to jump down to their level, to walk beside them not above them. “I left Konoha”
There is a silence that befalls them as they process his words, “you left Konoha?” Akino asks, almost hesitant
“Boss defected” Pakkun supplies, helpfully, “I think he was sent in a mission he didn't like, but I’m not sure of the situation myself”
Kakashi shakes his head as his pack looks up at him for a confirmation or denial “actually, I am looking for someone. I have recently learned that Rin’s corpse was likely taken away by the one who saved me from Kiri’s ANBU, I wish to see them”
"They took her body?" Shiba shrills with equal parts interest and disgust "that's one big freak, alright"
Kakashi snorts, though the humour isn't all there, "for sure" he agrees easily, though the thought of Rin's fate does serve to dimish his mood a bit "which is why we're going to find them?"
"So, we're going there" Pakkun asks, he doesn't need to elaborate for Kakashi to understand exactly where there is
"Yes," he says, solemn "we're going there"
It isn't until he is too far in his journey to possibly turn back, when the moon hangs bright in the sky above his head and he is shielded in the dark cloak of the night, so many miles away from home, that he feels the beginning of the end course through him.
They had arrived at the place that had started it all, where his life had truly fell apart after he killed the one he wanted to protect the most.
The place looked just as it had back then, as if unaffected by time and all the death had occured in it. If Kakashi closed his eyes just tight enough he could see the phantom impression of that night, the bodies and blood that had been so all-encompassing.
He orders his hound to search the area for any lingering scent, though he knows it to be fruitless. It was never meant to lead results, only to calm his own mind as he kept expecting to find Rin's corpse suddenly where it had once been whenever he looked away and back again
It was then and there that reality finally caught up to Kakashi's mind, bringing with it the weight of his many poor and impulsive decisions that have his stomach doing a full flip
Traitor. He can hear their voices so clearly at the back of his head, a whispered scream through his ears. Can picture their faces of disgust and betrayal, see himself at the center of their rage like a man caught at the eye of the hurricane
Traitor, they call him, because it’s true.
Kakashi’s haggard breathing must have made itself evident already, as Akino does not wait a single moment before coming to nudge at his leg with his snout, “boss…” he whines
Kakashi bites his lips, a heavy sigh escaping them as he picks at his skin “unsummon now” he commands, knowing his fall will be just as mighty as his rise, they don't need to see him through this.
“We can’t just leave” Uhei speaks, affronted, but Kakashi only growls, making himself tall even as he hunches to cover his own body amidst shivers “uunsummon now.That is an order”
Kakashi doesn't have to look behind him to understand that they are speaking amongst themselves, restless.
They take a minute, two, Kakashi’s ears ring loud and piercing, overbearing, their bellows drowning out the sound of the wind
How could you? they howl, angry and accusing, hurt. after all we have done to keep you and this village safe, how could you desert it, how could you desert us?
“Alright boss, bring us back if you need anything” Akino speaks, decidedly, giving him a respectful bow before disappearing into the thin air, Uhei soon following “don’t get too carried on, will ya’?” Bisuke adds before he too leaves, and like that he is alone.
Almost.
Kakashi snarls, for the first time turnings his eyes away from the road “I believe I told you to unsummon” he demands, Pakkun looks at him impassively despite this.
Obito's voice whispers in his ears, telling him all he knows how to do is leave his comrades behind. Kakashi wants to scream, to cry that it isn't true but he finds himself unable, knowing it could only leave his mouth as a dirty lie.
“You’re crashing” Pakkun speaks matter-of-factly, planting himself firmly in the ground, unwielding, and Kakashi finds himself stopping too, sifting through the thoughts running to his head in an endless circle. Pakkun stares at him, at the conflict he can imagine he sees in his eyes. “I am not going anywhere”
“Please” Kakashi says, begs, He doesn't want him to see him through this. He knows Pakkun has gotten used to helping him through the brunt of his distress and self-hatred but not like this.
Never like this.
“Please Pakkun. Leave”
Pakkun remains.
Kakashi shudders, his muscles tightening and releasing as he begins to spasm.
Pathetic excuse of a shinobi that you are. You will only cause them more pain, like you do for everyone else. Scum.
No. No. No. He has tried so hard to be the perfect weapon in the Hokage’s shed, to be what was needed of him so he wasn't tossed aside, can’t be a traitor– but he is, it was what he chose for himself, there is no one else to blame.
All of a sudden his back collides against the bark of a nearby tree, hurting him in the impact as presses to it, his breathing short, his shoulders trembling
“I’m sorry, Pakkun” he whispers, burying his face in his hands, digging his nails into his skin “so sorry. I ruined everything”
He lived his entire life for this village. He has fought and bled, taken away countless lives and lost countless nights, gave away every last bit of himself. How could he dare to leave to pursue such selfish desires, how could he betray them all after everything he had done– how could he forgive himself for rendering all of the death he’s caused pointless?
Seventeen years. Seventeen years of service wasted in this singular moment, a part of himself thrown like scrapped paper to the wind, his whole life tossed.
“You have nothing to apologize for, boss” Pakkun says, a lie, as he steps into Kakashi’s space, nearly caught in Kakashi’s rocking which he hadn't fully realized he was doing
“I’m hardly a Shinobi anymore Pakkun,” a weapon without someone who would brandish it is as good as shattered, there is nothing left of him now. He had always been a Shinobi, as far as he can remember, sometimes it feels like he has been one for as far as he existed. And if a Shinobi was all he’d ever been, all he would ever amount to, what was he now? “I can’t call myself your boss”
Pakkun sighs, as if Kakashi has said something wrong and unreasonable, "I already told you, our loyalty is to you, not your village, that will never change” loyalty, something Kakashi was without now. If feels like everything is closing in, like his vision darkens “but fine, if this will help you; you have nothing to apologize for, pup”
Kakashi chokes on a cry, his hands sliding from his face to dig into his arms instead, digging deeper and deeper, not stopping even as he starts to draw blood
A loyalty. Sage. He didn't have a loyalty anymore. He used to have one, to have a purpose and reason for existing, to be worth something. Now he has no loyalty, now he is no more than a selfish man caught way in over his head.
Now he’s nothing but scum
Panic overtakes him as Kakashi’s thoughts race on and on, as the whispers and shouts calling him traitor traitors traitor grow louder and louder
“Pup, steady”
But Kakashi can't hear him through the sound of his own heart racing, bringing an ache to his chest as his muscles clench and unclench as if close to snapping onto themselves, a whine makes it’s way through his gut, up his throat
What will he do now? What can he even do now? Chase ghosts like a man scorned to a life loved in the oast, is that it? The blood from where his fingers starts to run down his arms, staining the green grass with red once more, but Kakashi is too far gone to care, numb, his knees weak and shaking until they give.
He is overheating, Kakashi realizes, caught in a loop of negative thoughts as his skin breaks out into cold sweat, the gelid breeze hitting his skin and this isn't good– he needs to– needs to–
Like that, Kakashi breaks, his shoulders shaking and his stomach sinking as he feels the rising tightening of his throat, he stumbles and falls over, forcing Pakkun to take a step back to avoid his trembling body.
Hastily, struggling for breath, Kakashi pulls his mask down and finally spills his guts into the forest floor.
Shivers runs through his body, every muscle pulsing and aching as he convulses, only taking short breaths in between bouts of clear white puke as he loses all the food he didn't eat.
You deserve this.
Pakkun watches on, sat beside Kakashi on the grass, as he shudders and shakes, his knees weak, even after he is done hurling he can’t quite get a grip over himself.
He tears at his lip, doing his best to sit back while his heart runs wild inside his chest, falls down against the tree, hitting his head with a thud
“Are you quite done, pup.?” Pakkun asks unamused and he nearly laughs, only nearly. The dog sighs and straddles closer, offering a paw up to Kakashi who grasps at it like a life line, pressing his thumb to Pakkun’s ever so soft paw-pads and rubbing it in circles as he takes harrowed breaths
“I fucked it up, Pakkun” he cries “they must hate me now…” what would they think had them been alive? What will the still living people in his life say?
What will Asuma and Kurenai think when the morning comes and they know he cracked for good, what will Gai think when he knows Kakashi betrayed them all?
“Don’t think about it pup, I'm sure you had your reasons. Panicking won’t help”
Reasons, he supposes that he did. In his mind’s eye he sees blood-soaked black hair, bracketed by swirling white appendages, he cannot make out more than that but it feels familiar and just within grasp.
Is it worth it? Will it be worth it? For some reason he thinks it will be, he sees this person in his dreams and is filled with an earth shaking feeling that they hold the answers to questions he didn't even think to ask, like he is uncovering some type of conspiracy.
It better be worth it, he thinks, worth throwing away his whole livelihood for. Worth their disgust– not that he didn't already have it before, he’s sure they must already hate him by now, either way.
At least he won't have to stay to hear the whispers, of how far the white-fang’s son has fallen, of how he was just like his father
He chokes back another sob, shutting his eyes tighter, They stay like that for a few moments, just a few– just enough so that he can get his breathing steady itself, so he can pull himself back together.
Kakashi gets up, his body and mind still faint, his heart thumping but he pulls through. Quickly he covers his tracks, uses suiton to clean the mess he made of the verdant grass, Kakashi has always been one to spread the rot of his soul onto all that is around him...
“Let’s go Pakkun,” before we’re caught and all of this is for naught “we will be visiting Kannabi bridge’s remains next”
For some reason, it feels like the right place to search first, the only direction he could go.
If anything, at least he can apologize to Obito’s resting place, they could never recover his body, either, after all.