Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Kaidan presses his forehead to hers, for a moment sharing the same air on Earth. Not knowing if it would be the last time. “I’m gonna fight like hell for the chance to hold you again.” He breathes out, voice cracking. 

“Me too.” Shepard whispers back, shocked from his bold declaration. It was so unlike him, but if this was the end…then he wanted every moment and she knew that. She did too. “We’ve got a whole life ahead of us, Kaidan. I swear we’ll make it out of this.”

“Good.” He took a deep breath and moved away from her. “I’ve got to set my unit straight before we head out.”

“They ready?”

“More than ready, I’d say. Eager to help take back Earth.” He sighs. “Shepard…we know the score. We’re old soldiers, old comrades in arms. We know this is goodbye.”

“Don’t you dare, Kaidan. I’ll be waiting for you when this is all over, and you’d better show up.”

“Oh, I’m not done fighting. We’ve got too much riding on this. With the life I’ve led, you’d expect me to have more regrets. But I don’t–I could dream of the life I’ve had. And I hope to spend more of it with you.”

“You will.”

“And how are you? Scared?”

“Damn right–but I’m going to use that fear to keep me alive.” Shepard gives him a smile and a salute. “We’ll be dropping soon, take care Major.”

“Kaila…” He breathes, grabbing and kissing her like it’s the last thing they’ll do, like if he kisses her enough it’ll guarantee their victory. “I can’t lose you again.” Kaidan murmurs against her lips as they part. 

“You won’t.” Shepard sighs. “I should find the rest of the squad.”

“Alright.” He gives her one last kiss before she starts to walk away.

Shepard makes her way through the forward operating base, saying final goodbyes to her companions as she goes. Garrus leaves her with a statement that makes her smile– There’s no Shepard without Vakarian –but it was Javik who really shook her.

“You are a remarkable woman, for a primitive.” The prothean states. “While I was the avatar of vengeance for my cycle…you are an avatar of victory. I know you will lead us to the defeat of the reapers. And it will be an honor to follow you into battle.” 

“What will you do after?”

“...I will return to my people. My time–the prothean’s time–is over.” He puts out a hand and offers her the memory shard. “I have no more need of replaying the faces of my fallen over and over. I pass this onto you, to add your knowledge about the Reapers.”

“Thank you, Javik. It has been an honor fighting alongside you, and it will be an honor to take the reapers down with you.”

He gives her a nod, and Shepard continues to find her companions and trade parting words until she reaches Anderson. The task ahead of them isn’t easy–only about half of Hammer managed to land safely and rendezvous, and with no air support they needed to deal with a Destroyer blocking their path to the beam. 

“No one said it would be easy. This is a one-way trip; no retreat, no stepping back.” Anderson finished. “Round up your squad, we move out in 10.”

Shepard’s squad gathered in front of her, expectant. “It’s been one hell of a ride. Our war against the reapers has brought us loss, but brought us together too. We have the power to alter fate today, if we trust in each other. A future free from reapers is in our grasp–take heart, because you’re not in the fight alone. We’ll face this together, and together we’ll see the end of the reapers.”

With final goodbyes, the team disperses until just Javik and Kaidan remain. “You both ready?” She asks. 

“I have been waiting over 50,000 years for this, Commander.”

“I may not have been waiting as long, but I’m just as ready, Shepard.”

“Good. Let’s move out!”

Their course to the beam was far from easy. Squadrons were falling too fast, too many reaper troops were appearing. The no man’s land was dangerous, but they pushed through brutes, husks, banshees, and more to reach the missiles. Enemies just kept coming as they waited for the Destroyer to get closer. 

In a moment between waves, the three of them are catching their breath, swapping out thermal clips, and applying medigel. “How are you both holding up?” Shepard asked while checking her sniper rifle. 

“We cannot take much more of this.” Javik muttered from where he was helping Kaidan with some medigel. 

“He’s right. If we don’t get back up soon–” Kaidan starts. 

“I know.” She sighs. “But we have to hold out as long as we can.”

Their situation continues to worsen, the Destroyer getting close enough that it was actually helping keep the troops at bay. Shepard spends several minutes hiding behind some rubble with Kaidan and Javik pressed close. 

“Commander, targeting systems are locked.” EDI chimes over their communicators. “Ready to launch when you are.”

“We’ll cover you, Commander.” Javik swaps his clip and gets ready. 

Shepard readies her tactical cloak to help her get across the field. “3…2…1…now!” She vanishes from sight and dodges through troops and lasers to reach the missiles. Just in time, as the Destroyer was set to collapse a building on Javik and Kaidan, the missiles fired and it fell. 

“Commander, the path to the beam is free! We’ll be there in a moment.” Anderson’s voice buzzes in their ear. 

“Got it. We’re waiting for you.” In the few minutes they have to burn, Shepard pulls Javik to the side while Kaidan’s distracted. 

“Javik, I need a promise from you.” Her eyes flash to Kaidan.”

“About him?”

“Yes. Just…if we have to separate, make sure he gets out alive. I need to know I still have something to fight for.”

“An ideal I am unfamiliar with…but I will.”

“Thank you.”

The next few minutes can only be described as chaos. Harbinger descends and starts to attack as they make their approach. They’re quickly forced to do so on foot, but everything comes to a halt when an explosion causes the majority of the ground squad to get injured or killed. 

“Joker!” Shepard cries into the comms. “I need you down here for a pick up. I need you to grab Javik, Kaidan, and anyone else you can and get them out of here.” She’s frantically searching for her friends, eventually spotting them when Javik waves her down. “I’ll make the final assault myself. 

“Shepard, that’s insane!”

“There’s no other choice. Get them and get out of here!” She hauls Kaidan over one shoulder as she sees the Normandy approach and open the cargo door. Once there, she passes him off to Javik. “Get him out of here, Javik.”

“What?! That’s not gonna happen.” Kaidan retorts as the prothean starts to drag him. 

“Don’t argue with me, Kaidan.”

“Please, Kaila. Don’t leave me behind.” He pleads.

Shepard steps close enough to cup his face. “No matter what happens, Kaidan. Know that I love you. Always.”

He leans into the touch, eyes closing for a moment. “I love you too. Please be careful.”

She pulls away and watches the Normandy, along with just about everyone she loves vanish into the sky. “Alright, let’s get moving.” 

Moving’s hard, Shepard quickly realizes. Voices kept appearing in her ear, but it seemed like no one could hear her. A retreat was called, but she was too close. She wasn’t going to give up now. Once she reaches the beam, consciousness leaves her.

When she awakes, not only does she feel like death but she’s surrounded by it. Human bodies are everywhere, and she’s alone…until Anderson’s voice comes through. They trade off describing what they see, coming to the conclusion that they’re trying to build another human reaper in the Citadel. 

“Anderson…wait for me, please!” She’s begging, not knowing what’s lying in wait for them. Cursing for not being able to move faster, she keeps pushing herself until she’s approaching Anderson at a console in a large room.

“Shepard.” The Illusive Man, for once his voice not distorted by a holocall. “You just don’t know when to give up.”

“We can still stop this.” She pants, trying to fight off the control over her he’s exerting. “I can still destroy them and save humanity, save the galaxy!”

“Destroy? When will you learn Shepard–I have learned how to control them, and that is the future of humanity. Imagine what we can do with the power of the Reapers at our fingertips!”

“It’s not power we’re ready for. And controlling me is different than controlling a reaper.”

“Is it now?” With a flick of his wrist, he manages to overwhelm her for a moment and fire her gun straight into Anderson’s stomach.

“No!!” Her outburst at least gets her some control back, but she still can’t move. 

“This is our means of survival, Shepard. Our next step in evolution, one we must take.”

“There has to be another way. You’re playing with power that isn’t yours and you couldn’t possibly understand.”

“No!” Shepard can tell she’s started to get him questioning. “With the Crucible, I’ll be able to control them.”

“They’re already in your ear. If you free us, we’ll take care of the rest. Humanity can still survive, but you have to stop fighting us!”

“...I can’t, Shepard.” His voice sounds defeated. “Despite everything I’ve accomplished, I fell into the reaper’s trap.” The Illusive Man struggles to raise his gun, aiming for his head. “They’re too strong.”

“No!”

“Don’t let them win.” The gun goes off, and all three of them collapse. 

Shepard hobbles towards the console, quickly working to open the arms. Once the process for docking the Crucible is engaged, she joins Anderson on the ground, where he’s managed to prop himself up against a dais.

“Commander.”

“I think we did it, Anderson.”

“Yes we did.” He coughs, voice weak. “That’s quite a view.” 

Shepard looks out to where Earth is spread out below them. Despite the war, it’s still a beautiful planet. “Best seats in the house.”

“Feels so long since I just…sat down.”

“I think you’ve earned a rest.”

“Mmmm.”

“Anderson?” Her voice takes on a hint of worry. “Stay with me, Anderson. We’re almost through this.”

“Always been proud of you, Kaila. You,” he coughs, “you did good.”

“Thank you sir.” They both go quiet, watching the stars. “Anderson?” She asks after a minute passes. When there’s no response, she knows he’s passed and tears start to fall.

Morbid as it might be, Shepard was content to stay there with him until the war was over. And either she’d die next to him waiting for that to happen, or she’d make sure he was found. Either was an acceptable option. Her eyes were about to slide shut when Hackett’s voice came in. 

“Commander? Can you hear me?”

“Yeah…What do you need me to do?” She doesn’t even have the strength to stand, army crawling her way to the console.

“The Crucible isn’t firing.”

“Shit.”  Shepard pulls herself up, but despite all her technical know-how, she’s lost. “I…I don’t know what to do. I don’t see how to fix this.”

“Shepard, you have to–”

“Shepard? Shepard!”

Her energy was finally failing, her body slumping to the ground. When she comes to, she’s not in the same room. Instead, a large engine is before her, and the child she’d been seeing visions of for months was walking towards her. 

“Where am I? And who are you?”

“You are still on the Citadel, my home. I am the Catalyst.”

“Okay. How do I stop the reapers? Can you help me?”

“Perhaps. The reapers are under my control. They are my solution to the chaos of this world, the chaos from the created always rebelling against their creators. They help me restore order.”

“You call this order?! We’re at war, they’re killing us by the thousands within moments.”

“It’s a harvest, Shepard. You should already have put this together. We harvest the advanced civilizations, and leave the less advanced. What we harvest is stored in reaper form. If we did not act, synthetics and organics would destroy each other. I created the cycles so that won’t happen.”

“You’re the Intelligence Leviathan created, aren’t you?

“Yes. They recognized conflict would always arise, so I was created to establish a connection between synthetics and organics. And once I discovered they were always going to be in conflict, I created my solution: the harvests and the reapers.”

“You killed your own creators, contributing to the chaos.”

“A necessary move–they asked me to solve the conflict without realizing they were part of the problem. They gave me form, I gave what I reaped function, and they gave me a purpose.”

“Well, they’re in the war now.”

“Good. They have finally recognized their role and can be harvested.”

The child starts to walk to where the path splits, Shepard limping along behind him. 

“You have options, Shepard.”

“I don’t need to hear anything beyond how to destroy the Reapers.”

“You should know the consequences. You organics always create synthetics, seeking improvements. Perfection. But that will always lead to conflict.”

“The created surpassing the creators. You already said that.”

“Good, you are listening. By harvesting both, I make sure the knowledge of different civilizations is not lost.”

“Then you’ve failed, we’re already at war!”

“ Conflict. ” The child emphasizes. “We are doing what we were created to do. Do you consider a fire to be war, when it is simply fulfilling its role in destruction and rebirth? We apply the same concept to restore balance.”

“Just…tell me what happens when this all gets activated.”

“No matter your choice, with the power from the Crucible an energy will be released throughout the galaxy via the mass relays.”

“If it gives that kind of power, why didn’t you destroy records of it?”

“We thought we did, but you organics have been clever in hiding it.”

Shepard groans. “I don’t know why we’re still talking. Every second we waste, another person’s future is taken. And if you’re always going to be in control, what is even the point–with no future, we have no hope. Might as well be machines.”

“You have more to hope for than you think. You are the first organic to reach me here. This has proved the solution doesn’t work and we need a new one. You have…altered the variables. And now you have a choice to make.”

The child points towards the right. “You can follow through on what your goal has been, and destroy all synthetic life. The blast will not discriminate–EDI, the Geth, even parts of you will be destroyed, along with the reapers. But those that survive can repair much of the damage. But peace won’t last, chaos will return. But that is but one option.”

They point to the left. “You can assume control. You will die, every part of your corporeal form will be dissolved. But your thoughts and memories will continue. You will lose your connection to humanity, but remain aware of their existence.”

“No.” Shepard shakes her head. “I didn’t come all this way, fight as hard as I did, to give up everything I am, everything I have.”

“I am not a fan either, as I do not want to be replaced. Which is why I have a better solution.” He points to the center. “You can add your energy to the Crucible’s chain reaction, and combine all organic and synthetic life. You will create a new DNA. Your essence will be broken down and dispersed, altering all life. Technology will allow organics to find perfection, and synthetics will gain new understanding.”

“Why haven’t you done this before?”

“I have tried, but we lacked enough energy before. With the Crucible, we could. As well, organics weren’t ready, and this change can’t be forced. But you are ready, and can choose this for the galaxy.”

“No.” She starts to shuffle to the right. “I came here to destroy it all, and I will.”

“And EDI means nothing to you? You’re prepared to live without synthetics?”

“You already said we could repair the damage–this will allow us to start anew. And hopefully learn from the past.”

“Very well. If that is your choice. The galaxy will have to live with it, even if you don’t.”

“It’s what the galaxy has called me to do.” Shepard starts to shoot, releasing the red energy into the system. She braces for something extreme, something she doesn’t understand…

Well, she was half right.

After a flash of light, she finds herself aboard a ship. It doesn’t take long for her to realize it’s the Normandy SR-1. Not only that, she knows the conversation–Joker and Kaidan are bickering about Nihlus. The only difference is an odd weight in her pocket that, after a moment, she realizes is Javik’s memory shard.

What the hell is going on!?

Chapter Text

This isn’t so stressful the second time. But it’s certainly been harder to school my reactions to what is supposed to be world-changing information.

Shepard had a white-knuckled grip on the steering wheel of the Mako as they raced through the stretch of Ilos that would connect them back to the Citadel. Her mind was already made up about what she’d do differently, but that didn’t make it any easier. If the Council doesn’t listen to us more after the sacrifice I’m about to make I swear I will make their life hell if I end up back with Cerberus. 

The moment came far too quickly–Joker in her ear asking if they were saving the Destiny Ascension or waiting for Sovereign to be fully exposed. With gritted teeth, she gives the order for the Alliance Fleet to dive in and save the Council and the Citadel ships. That tension stays with her through talking to Saren, convincing him of his indoctrination and begging him to do the right thing. 

It stays as she still appoints Udina as humanity’s representative, hoping he’ll make the most of their gratitude.

It stays as she tries to warn the Council and Alliance about Alchera. 

It stays as she invites Kaidan into her cabin before their arrival over Alchera, enjoying one last night of everything being so simple. Knowing that either they’ll survive and their path will look entirely different; or she’s going to die and their relationship will never be the same again.

It stays until it dissolves into rage–all of her preparations didn’t help. The Normandy SR-1 is still going down. She’s still tossing an extinguisher at Kaidan and telling him to leave. She’s still racing to Joker to save his ass. Hoping this time she’s fast enough to save herself.

She’s not.

It all fades until it doesn’t. She’ll realize later she woke up more times during her reconstruction than last time, that rage pushing her to get up sooner. It changes nothing.

All of that changed nothing. Shepard thinks to herself as she’s gearing up for the drop on Freedom’s Progress, and bracing to see Tali again. Okay. But maybe things are different on the Citadel now. Maybe Udina’s been able to keep them thinking about the Reapers, about the future.

Everything crashes down again she makes it to the Citadel a few days later, and learns the Council is still a bunch of ungrateful idiots that want to stick their heads into the ground and pretend that nothing she did two years ago happened or mattered. 

Once Shepard returns to the Normandy after their first visit to the Citadel, she locks herself in her quarters. Alone, she screams and rants and cries about how nothing has changed. 

“Shepard?” EDI chimes into her room once she has started to calm down. “I made sure nothing was monitored while you were in here. Is there anything I can do to assist you?”

Raising her head from where it was cradled in her hands, she looks over to the dock where EDI appears. “I didn’t even think about the monitoring systems in here–thank you. But I’m assuming you heard everything?”

“I did.”

“...Are you going to ask me to elaborate?”

“I will not. I will simply offer that if you need to talk this through, you are welcome to speak with me. I will not save or report any of those conversations.”

“Thank you.”

“It’s all true though? You’ve gone back in time?”

“Yes. I’ve done all of this once before. The first time, I chose to let the council die and save the fleet for Sovereign. So I thought this time, if I saved the council instead, they’d work better with Humanity, they’d listen to me before I died, and when I came back, I’d find that they actually spent time preparing. Instead, they brushed everything under the fucking rug.” She groans and flops backwards to lay out on the bed. “Instead, nothing’s different. My old squad still doesn’t trust me, I’m still stuck working with fucking Cerberus, and I have no clue what to do next.”

“Are there choices coming up in the immediate future that you feel may change the course of events?”

“...No. Not until we come back from the Collector Base and I go rescue someone for Hackett.”

“Then I would suggest that until then, you focus on the task at hand. You know what will work to stop the Collectors and allow you to return from the Omega relay. You already know how your former crew will react, and you will be able to prepare yourself for that.”

“You’re right. I made the right choices once before, and I just have to continue to take those until I’m done with Cerberus.”

There’s a pause before EDI chimes in again. “Without explaining too much of the future, what other choices will you make? If you had to decide the fate of the Reapers and the galaxy, will that final choice be any different?”

“I don’t think so. No matter how it shakes down…I can’t stand the idea of not destroying them. No matter the sacrifice.” She tries not to think about EDI being one of those sacrifices.

“Very well, Shepard. Should you need to talk again, please let me know.”

“Thanks, EDI.”

In the days that follow, Shepard follows that advice. Through Horizon, through defending Tali, through the Collector ship. She stays determined to keep her crew and as much of humanity as she can safe. And it works.

Throughout it all, that’s what Shepard keeps in her mind: she knows how people will react, and she can prepare for that. Unlike their fight against Saren, moving beyond Cerberus and Earth’s invasion was about small choices–about rallying groups to the cause, about showing those in need there’s hope. 

A part of her hopes that maybe she can save people this time–Thane and Mordin and Anderson–but none of it comes to pass. But her revenge is swift, her support steadfast, until she’s collapsed next to Anderson again. The temptation to tell him is there–he’s dying, it can’t change anything–but she doesn’t.

Instead, she says her goodbyes, takes the elevator up, and begins her limp towards the Catalyst. 

“Here we are again, Shepard.” The hologram of the young boy she saw on Earth appears before her once again, but his words stop her in her tracks.

“You…you know I was sent back? Did you do this?!” Rage like she hadn’t felt since dying over Alchera starts to bubble up again.

“I did not. I was as surprised as you were. It has been interesting watching you a second time and seeing the different choices you made. Interesting enough that I did not deliberately change my own course of action, simply responded in different ways as a reaction to you.”

“And I still made it here.”

“You did.”

“And I will still destroy synthetic life.”

“Are you sure that is the choice you want? EDI was a comfort to you when you found yourself floundering. You continued to learn from Legion and the Geth about why they deserved a place in the universe. Do you still think all synthetic life should die?”

“It’s not just about synthetics. And I think we can recover what we lost–it’s not like I am destroying synthetics forever. We can recover and we can do better than before.”

“You’ve learned.”

“I have. So stand aside and let me try to end this.”

The hologram steps aside. “Good luck, Shepard. Should this fail, I look forward to seeing you again next cycle.”

Chapter Text

“Go protect the bomb, Skipper. I’ll be okay.” Ashley’s request buzzes over Shepard’s headset. 

But you won’t. You’ll die, you’ll leave a hole I can never fix. A sister I never realized I was missing. 

“Rescue Ash, Shepard! I’ll make sure they don’t get the bomb. Just get her and get the hell out of here.” Kaidan’s voice comes through the comms next.

And if you’re dead, I’ll never know love like you love me. You’ll be my second love to die for me–Thane very well may be the third. Because everyone I love dies. I’m cursed.

“Shepard, where are we going?!” Garrus yells out. 

“If we don’t make a choice soon we’re all going down.” Wrex adds.

Would that really matter? What happens if I die–really die–and I don’t make it to the Conduit? Does that end things? Do the Reapers take us all? 

“Shepard!”

“Ashley. We’re getting Ashley.” She starts to run in that direction and signals Kaidan to switch over to a private channel.

“Shepard?”

“Kaidan. I’m sorry.”

“You’re doing the right thing. Go. Get Ashley out of here. Help her get promoted, and the recognition she deserves. Stop Sovereign and live good lives.”

“I will.”

“Don’t…don’t let her yell at you too much. About this, about us.”

“You know I can’t promise that. Kaidan, I–”

“You don’t need to say it.”

“I do. I was falling in love with you, Kaidan. You’ll always have a place in my heart. I’ll never forget you.”

“I was falling for you too, Kaila. Goodbye.”

“Kaidan no!” The line goes dead and tears form in her eyes as she’s rushing towards Ashley's squad.

“Ash, radio Joker and have him meet us at the AA guns.”

“Shepard!” 

“That’s an order, Williams.” She snaps, hoping Ashley can’t hear the sadness in her voice.

“...Yes, Commander.”

So much of what happens next is familiar–fighting Saren, trying to talk him down from what he’s doing. Her heart’s not in it, and like always it doesn’t work. But she holds him off long enough that he flees and everyone else is able to escape. 

Shepard stumbles to her locker in the cargo hold–she hated having her own outside medical–and started to pop the seals on her armor. It isn’t difficult to hear Ashley storming up behind her. 

“What the hell, Shepard?!” The woman grabs onto a pauldron and forces Shepard to look at her. “Why did you go back for me?!”

“Kaidan had the bomb secure. Rescuing you and the salarian squad was the logical move, we were already halfway there.” She can’t meet Ashley’s eyes. She just can’t.

“Bullshit! It should have been me!”

“I made a decision and I stand by it. You’re a good soldier, Ash. You deserve the chance to show the Alliance what you’re made of. Kaidan knew that too.”

“And Kaidan didn’t deserve to keep living? Didn’t deserve to see this all through? Didn’t deserve–” Her voice cracks, head coming forward to rest on Shepard’s. Her voice is so quiet only her commander can hear her last thought. “Did you both deserve to make what you had work?”

Shepard shoves her bracers off so she can wrap an arm around Ashely’s neck. “No more than you deserve to live a life for yourself. Of not stuck trying to redeem your grandfather’s name and make your own mark on the galaxy.” Tears are flowing freely between the two. “How was I supposed to choose between the man I love and the woman I call a sister?”

“Skip…”

“This wasn’t your fault, Ash. This choice was all on me. But next time we’re on the Citadel, we’ll send him off the proper way.”

They embrace for another moment before parting ways. Shepard is quick to make it back to her cabin. She knows she should shower, but her energy is quickly waning. Instead, she collapses face down on the bed. Eventually, she falls asleep curled up on her side. When her regular alarm goes off, she wakes up curled in the fetal position. Everything hurts, and she strongly considers not getting out of bed at all. The loneliness already hurts. How am I going to make it three more years?

It’s the most difficult thing she’s done, surviving. It’s a different kind of hurt, having Ashley throw similar words at her about Cerberus, and her mistrust after Shepard’s death. Every day aches, every day is more painful. In the previous cycles, she felt like she was fighting for something personal and not just the galaxy. Even loving Thane hurts–because he’ll leave her. She can’t save him, and he’ll leave her too. 

Eventually, she’s back where she’s back where she’s ended up everytime: staggering away from Anderson for the console, passing out as the elevator takes her up. 

“We meet again Shepard.” The boy appears. 

“Here we are.” Shepard replies with a sigh. 

“You’re upset. Because you saved Ashley instead of Kaidan? That affected everything this time.”

“Yeah, it did. I…I don’t know if I’ll be able to do that again.” She tries to hold back her tears. “Which is awful. I feel like I should be able to save them both.”

“Some things are impossible, Shepard.”

“This one shouldn’t be.”

The boy shrugs. “It’s not a choice I can do anything to stop or alter. If you wish to save them both, you will need to figure out how. I won’t–can’t–stop you.”

“That’s helpful to know, at least.”

“Can I say my peace now?”

“...It won’t help you.”

“Why not?”

“Because, I’m going to pick the same outcome, and pray I get sent back.”

“And if this was the way things were supposed to be? If you destroy all this and you either die or are found by the others in the galaxy? No Kaidan, and no Thane?”

“...”

“Shepard?”

“If I die, I join them. I hope I join Thane across the sea, and I hope Kaidan is there too. And if I live…I suppose I find a reason to live again. I see my friends again and I let their strength carry me for a while.”

“Hm.”

“What, not the answer you expected?”

“I rarely know what to expect from these talks, Shepard. It is what makes them so interesting to me.”

Shepard scoffs. “Wish I could say the same.” She draws her pistol and starts to stagger towards her choice. Pausing right before firing, she turns over her shoulder to look back at the boy. “For once, I hope I see you again.”

Chapter Text

“Mordin?” Shepard asks as she walks into the med bay.

“Shepard.” The salarian didn’t look up from his work. “Can I help you with something?”

“Can I talk with Eve, privately? If she’s stable enough.”

“Stable enough, yes. Should she agree, I can take a break.” 

“I didn’t think you knew how.”

Mordin looked up and gave her a smile. “I’ll make an exception.”

“Thanks.” She watches Mordin walk out before crossing closer to Eve. “EDI, lock the door to medical. I don’t want us to be disturbed. And if Wrex starts coming this way, give me a heads up.”

“Of course, Shepard.”

“Is everything alright, Commander?” Eve starts to shift to get up but Shepard raises a hand to stop her. 

“Everything’s fine, I was just…hoping I could talk to you for a few minutes. And maybe confide in you.”

Eve settles back in, but stays alert. “I have heard good things about you, Commander, both from Wrex and Grunt. And many other krogan. If I can lend an ear to you and your troubles, I am happy to.”

Shepard eases herself up onto the bed across from her. “What I tell you cannot leave the two of us. It poses no danger to the krogan, I swear.”

“EDI?”

“She already knows.”

“Then proceed, Commander.”

Shepard takes a deep breath. “I’m caught in a time loop.”

“Excuse me?”

“I’ve been repeating the last three or so years over and over again. Every time, I make it to where I can destroy the Reapers. And every time I find myself back on the Normandy SR-1, before I touch down on Eden Prime. I keep trying new things to see if that’s what will trigger it all to stop, but so far nothing has worked.” She sighs. “And I am running out of new ways to go about this. There are some things I refuse to compromise on–the cure being one of them–but sometimes…I’m struggling, and I feel as if I need to be careful who I confide in. I’ve already learned there are certain people that can’t know.  EDI is the only one who always knows, but that’s only because something in her programming picked up on it.”

“And why have you chosen me, Commander?”

“Because…you’re trustworthy. And you know struggle. And you’ve persevered through it.” She pulls her legs up close to her chest so she’s mimicking Eve’s posture. “And I am hoping I can borrow some of your strength. I’m getting tired, and I don’t know what to do.”

Eve goes quiet, weighing the revelation the Commander presented. “Usually when I hear from other races that they admire our perseverance, I tell them they know nothing of struggle. We have suffered nearly 1,500 years from the genophage. But your story is the first thing I have heard that I actually feel may compare. How many times so far?”

“This is my 67th attempt.”

“Over 350 years of the same events.”

“Give or take. There have been a couple of attempts that ended in my premature death. Even that causes the cycle to reset.”

“I am sorry I cannot offer more than a listening ear. But should you need that, I am happy to provide it. Our conversations will stay between the two of us.”

“Thank you.”

“I hope you will always feel safe enough with me that we can have this conversation. I will hear it as many times as you’re willing to give it. And if there are burdens you bear from past cycles, I will hear them for you.”

Shepard takes a deep breath. “Are you sure? It’s…it’s rarely happy.”

“I am sure. Tell me of events that happened before now–I suspect it would be unwise for you to tell me much about the future.”

“Probably, although I haven’t tried that yet.”

Eve chuckles. “Let’s save that for another conversation, then. When you are successful, and you can visit me and my children on Tuchanka, I will hear of troubles you had in other attempts.”

“Okay.” She doesn’t start, unsure of where to. 

“What hangs over you most, Commander?”

“I think…it’s Ashley’s death. That no matter what I do, how well I prepare, I can’t save both of them.”

“Are there attempts where you save her instead?”

“7, 34, 35, and 49.” 

“And?”

“And nothing really changes. She gets promoted, like she rightly deserves, she yells at me on Horizon, and it hurts in a different way because we become so close after Kaidan’s death.” Shepard takes a shaky breath. “Neither choice hurts any less. I either lose the man I love, or I lose one of my closest friends.” 

“So you have started to choose love.”

“In a way. I chose the person I know I can spend a life with, should I ever break this loop and live to tell the tale.”

“I take it Kaidan is one of those you cannot tell ahead of time.”

“No. I’ve tried twice–23 and 24. Once before I die over Alchera, and once when I manage to convince him to meet me after Horizon, but before the Collector base. Before Alchera, he believes me and we thought we had a way to prevent my death. He dies instead. After Horizon, he calls me insane, and that it’s evidence of Cerberus brainwashing me. His report back to the Alliance starts a man-hunt, I get thrown into jail, I die when the Reapers invade Earth. I wake up on the Normandy SR-1.” Shepard rests her head on top of her knees and starts to cry. “I think that one hurt the most. That he was so angry with me at the time he thought I was insane, and we all died because of it.”

“I hope this is not an overstep, Commander, but may I say something?”

“Sure.”

“I know it hurts, and it is understandable why. But if I understand the relationship between you and the Major correctly, I think he was scared for you. And he is a good soldier, so he reported it.”

“No, I know that. I’ve never held it against him. What I’m saying is insane and I’m shocked you’ve believed me. Or you’re choosing to humor my delusions.”

“Do you really think I would humor delusions, Commander?” Eve’s voice has a hint of humor to it.

“No, I don’t.” Shepard finally smiles a little. “Thank you for hearing me out, Eve.”

“Of course. Is there anything else you would like to discuss?”

“Not right now.”

“If that changes, feel free to kick Mordin out again so we can talk.”

Shepard laughs and gets off the bed. “I will.”

“And Commander?”

“Yes?”

“That crystal I gave you…let it anchor you. To your beliefs, and to what matters. May you chisel your own way out.”

Chapter Text

“Liara, can we talk for a moment?”

The asari turns from the set of screens she’d been studying. “Of course, Shepard. Follow me.” Liara leads her deeper into the Shadow Broker’s ship until they reach a private office. “What do you need?”

“How’d you know I needed something?”

“Your tone. And if you’re asking me, I assume it is nothing small.”

“I want to go to Earth for a few days. Before I go to follow up on Hackett’s request.” Things will be fine for a few extra days, I know that. I know we’ve got time . She thinks to herself. 

“I see. I assume then, since you’re asking me, that you are trying to do so without drawing any attention?”

“I don’t want attention, I don’t want a soul to know that I don’t tell, and I don’t want to be bothered.” Shepard sighs. “I’m tired, Liara. I just want a few days to relax. And…I want to bring Thane with me. I want to take him to Texas, maybe the Arizona desert.”

“Ah, I see how that complicates things.” Liara opens her omni-tool and sorts through files. “One of my agent’s ships won’t be in use for a few weeks. It’s a small craft, you should be able to land it on the farm without issue.” She starts to pace as she works. “Crafting false identities and reasons for mass relay travel is quite simple, I do it frequently. I will make sure to monitor traffic around the area to make sure no one reports a strange ship. Any other details I think of, I can handle.” The omni-tool shuts down. “You can leave as soon as you want. I don’t want you to worry about anything, Shepard.”

“That’s a lot, Liara. You don’t have to go through all that trouble for me.”

“Kaila, you’re my friend.” Liara steps closer to rest a hand on the human’s shoulder. “And you’re the reason I have control over all of this. I think the least I can do is arrange a bit of a vacation.”

Shepard sighs in relief. “Thanks, Liara. I’ll ping you when we’re ready to go.” The pair hug for a moment before Shepard exits.

She darts her way through the base until she reaches the Normandy, trying to keep herself relatively calm. The facade drops slightly as she makes it to the Life Support room. “Thane?” She calls out upon entry.

“Siha.” Thane turns to face her, affection evident in his tone. “Is something the matter?”

“Nothing’s wrong, but I’ve got some news.”

“I see. Should I be concerned?”

“Maybe? I talked with Liara and…I was wondering if you’d want to come to Earth with me for a few days. I’ve got family in Texas and I’d like to see them. It’ll be warm this time of year, I thought that might be a nice change of pace for you.”

“You want me to meet your family?”

“I already know yours, don’t I?” She sits across from him and he immediately takes her hands in his. “You don’t have to say yes, I know this is sudden and with little notice.”

“It would be an honor, Siha. When would you like to leave?”

“As soon as you’re ready. I don’t want to delay things by too much, but…I just want to be home, even if it’s just for a moment.”

“Then let me pack and we can be on our way. Is there anything in particular I should make sure to bring?”

“Just whatever you’ll need to be comfortable. Meet me in the CIC in…twenty minutes?”

“I will.”

In just shy of 18 minutes, Shepard has a shore bag packed and is bouncing in the elevator to meet Thane. She shouldn’t be surprised to see that he’s already waiting for her. “Ready?”

“Yes. I travel pretty light.” He looks at the small duffle in her hand. “Is that all you need?”

“I keep things stashed at my grandparents for when I come home–I usually only need necessities.”

“Then shall we go?”

“Mhm.”

With how Liara has their travel set up, they have to go slow. But they remain undetected as they make their way into the Local Cluster and Earth comes into view. “Have you ever been, Thane?”

“No, although I have thought about visiting New Mexico.”

“It’s beautiful, you’d like it. Aside from the weather being more your speed, there’s all sorts of wildlife, the geology of the area is incredible, and there’s so much culture. Maybe we can save that for next time?” Shepard doesn’t like making that offer, knowing they’ll never get to, but hopes maybe he’ll think of her when he brings Kolyat.

Thane reaches over and wraps her hand in his. “Next time, Siha.”

In just a few minutes, Shepard is landing their shuttle in a field adjacent to a classic farmhouse. She doesn’t even wait for them to grab their bags–her hand pulls Thane out the shuttle with a massive grin on her face. She runs until she collapses in the arms of her grandmother, Nina Shepard, crying, as Thane watches behind her.

“I’m sorry.” Shepard’s wiping her tears as she pulls away from her grandma. “Nana, Pops, this is Thane–Liara might have told you about him in her message?”

“She did.” Nina stepped forward and offered a hand to Thane. “It’s very nice to meet you, Thane. Thank you for keeping my granddaughter safe.”

He takes it, gives it a shake, and briefly bows his head. “Thank you for allowing me into your home. She is a remarkable woman, one I am proud to stand beside.”

“Liara’s message said you could only stay for a few days, kiddo. Anything we need to know?” John Shepard asks. 

“Just…know that the things I do, I do to keep people safe. Please, always believe that.”

“Always.”

“…And maybe make sure the tornado shelter stays well stocked. Like…really well stocked. I can’t say more.”

“And we won’t ask.” Nina swats her husband’s arm. “She’s here to relax, not fret.”

“It’s fine. I was planning on showing Thane around the grounds for a few hours before dinner.”

“Naturally. You know where the keys are, or feel free to take a couple of the horses.”

“We’ll see how they take to him.” Kaila kisses both her grandparent’s cheeks before turning back to Thane. “Shall we?”

“Lead the way, siha.”

Shepard takes his hand again and starts to lead him through their land. “My family’s been out here for generations.”

“What do you farm?”

“Cattle. Always have, always will. We’ve won awards for generations.”

“I see. Is this where you plan to retire?”

“Should I get to, yes. I’ve always loved it out here. Mom’s got a place out in Vancouver, but that’s just to be close to the Alliance HQ there. We usually spent any shoreleave here.” She pauses, taking a deep breath. “I love it here. This will always feel like home.”

Thane steps close and presses his forehead to her temple. “Thank you for bringing me here and sharing this with me.”

“Don’t thank me yet. How are you with horses?”

“We will find out.” 

As they stepped into the horse barn, Shepard let go of his hand to start rummaging in a box. “You’ll want a few of these.” She pops a few apples in his pockets and puts one in his hand. “Come meet the horses.”

He follows along as she points out different horses, telling anecdotes about each until they reach the end. “And this one’s mine.” Shepard stops in front of a dun mare, a bit over 14 hands yet compact, with bright and intelligent eyes. “Hey there, Arabella. Miss me?” She barely got the question out before a horse head was butting into her chest. “Sorry it’s been so long. I’m sure they told you, but I wasn’t exactly accessible for a while.”

Thane watches as she converses with the horse for a few moments, trading apples and scratches for forgiveness. He hadn’t been paying attention and leaned against a pole that put him just close enough for a dainty black horse head to start investing. When he jumps, Shepard whips around to notice the predicament. 

“Thane, I’m sorry!” 

The drell had recovered and was allowing the curious horse to sniff at him. “It is fine, they meant no harm.”

“He’s after an apple in your pocket. Greedy thing.” Thane produced an apple as she moved towards them. “Midnight’s always been a troublemaker in the barn. But get him under a saddle and he’s the gentlest ride I’ve ever seen. Hell, I’d trust him to carry Joker, brittle bones and all.”

Midnight shook her head at being a troublemaker, a glint in his eye challenging them playfully. “Nonsense. He seems like a perfectly reasonable equine.” Thane produced another apple and began to run his hands over the horse. 

“He’s trying to butter you up.” She smiled. “But my dad would always say the same.”

“He was your father’s horse?”

“Mhm. Raised him from a colt.” Shepard’s face shifts–still smiling, but there’s a hint of sadness to it. “Midnight will always remind me of him–hell, he’s the first horse I learned how to ride!” In response, the horse starts to nuzzle at her shoulder. “Practically my sibling. I know he’ll keep you safe when we’re riding.”

“It is clear you both care for each other deeply. It is an honor to ride him.”

“Come on, let me show you how to get his tack on.”

Shepard does most of the heavy lifting in getting both horses ready to ride. She grabs a pair of cowboy hats her grandma clearly left out for their use at goes up to Thane. “One last touch.” One hat–her favorite black and red one–goes on her head. “What do you think?”

“It suits you, siha.” He tilts the hat back in order to sneak a kiss. “It is clear this is a place you were made for.”

She can’t help the blush that creeps over her cheeks. “Thanks.” Since he’s close, she wraps an arm behind him to place a dusty gray cowboy hat on his head. “You probably don’t need to keep from burning, but it’ll be useful for keeping the sun out of your eyes.” She leans back a little. “And it looks good on you.”

Thane chuckles. “Whatever you recommend, siha.”

“Let’s mount up–I want to take you to my favorite spot.”

Like Shepard promised, Midnight is an easy ride for someone inexperienced. He continues at an easy pace in the correct direction, despite Shepard and Arabella dashing forward and trotting back to meet them. When they’re side by side, she keeps telling stories about the farm, the land they’re on, and hijinks from her childhood. They finally make it to an outcropping of rocks that create a shaded cave-like area. 

“Here we are.” Shepard dismounted, gave Arabella a few pats, then stepped up to Thane and Midnight. “He’ll stand steady, let me help you off.” She offers a hand, which he takes, and braces him as he dismounts. 

He takes the opportunity to swoop down and press a kiss to her lips. “You have never looked more free, siha, nor more like one of the warrior-angels, than atop Arabella. In the desert sun, you are truly a sight to behold.”

It’s rare that Thane can truly make her flush anymore, but she immediately turns a deep shade of red at the compliment. “Thane…”

“It is a memory I will treasure. Now, you had something you wished to show me?”

“Yes, but I’m not sure it can compare to what you just said.”

He takes her hand and gives it a squeeze. “It’s important to you, so I want to see.”

They bump shoulders as they walk forward. Determination settles in Shepard’s gut–no matter how many cycles she has going forward, every one of them will involve bringing Thane here.

Chapter Text

The alarms start to sound as consciousness returns. Whooo they did it again… Shepard thinks to herself. For the first time in 250 loops, she’s not angry. Just…a sense of peace. She finally opens her eyes once Miranda’s voice starts pestering her, and she gets up with a languid stretch.

Since she’s not bringing so much anger and frustration into the partnership with Cerberus, she finds the work easier. She still doesn’t like being here, but without those feelings taking up space, Shepard finds she’s more effective. It’s easier to set Tali up for future success, to make connections for Grunt on Tuchanka, to help Kasumi mourn Keji’s loss, and blow up the lab that created Jack. 

As time moves, Shepard starts to see the effect of a calm head earlier on. Sure, she still snaps at the Illusive Man (she’s accepted her fate and needs to work with him, she has NOT accepted his methods) but the clearer she thinks the more she’s able to start altering her small choices. Perhaps she’s in a butterfly effect situation, and it’s not her big choices that matter, but the small ones. 

There’s a moment where she thinks maybe, just maybe, she can save Thane this time. If he doesn’t get stabbed, maybe he’ll have a little longer. Shepard tries to warn him, to give hints, but it fails. Kai Lang still stabs him. She’s still at his bedside, reciting a final prayer she knows by heart. She’s still crying as Kolyat tells her the prayer was for her. She still hopes to see him across the sea. 

Back at Anderson’s apartment, she’s grateful to be fully and truly alone. Free to cry and scream and rage against everything. Of all the things she has to endure each cycle, even if she chooses to only be friends, his death never gets easier. She wishes it would make her numb, but there’s only pain. 

Shepard is still screaming through tears when Kaidan shows up to check on her. She hadn’t asked for it, but he knew the two were close. He didn’t want her to be alone. The second the door opens and her cries upstairs can be heard, he’s running. 

He’s quick to wrap his arms around her from where she’s doubled over on the ground. Voice gentle, he whispers comforts and promises until she settles down. 

“Kaidan?” Shepard’s voice is hoarse. 

“Yeah, Shep?”

“Thank you.”

“I couldn’t just leave you. I’m sorry.”

“He…he’s not in pain anymore. And I’m at least grateful for that. But I’ll miss him.”

“I know. You’ll always love him.”

Shepard shifts around so that she can kiss him. “Just as I will always love you.”

A tension Kaidan hadn’t realized was so strong, relaxed slightly. “Food or shower?”

“Food.”

With ease, Kaidan shifts them both so he can carry her downstairs to the kitchen. He sets her down on top of the counters and heads to the fridge to dig out something for dinner. He lets her sit quietly, waiting for her to break the silence. 

Shepard spends those minutes rolling through everything in her head. I’ve never told him after the Reaper invasion. Maybe…

“Kaidan?” Her voice breaks the silence. 

“Yeah, Shep?”

“There’s something I need you to know.” Quietly, she tells her sorry tale, and he listens attentively. She even tells him of the times he told her and how he reacted. 

“And that’s that.” She concludes. “I’m just…stuck. Reliving the best and worst three years of my life.”

“Shepard…” He steps close. “I can’t believe you’ve been holding onto all this for so long. Two hundred fifty times?” 

“Yup.”

“Any faith this will be the last one?”

“Maybe? Maybe not fighting Cerberus so much makes it better. Or maybe in a few weeks I’m going to find myself back on the SR-1 hunting Saren.” She sighs and leans forward to rest her head on his shoulder. “I’m so tired, Kaidan.”

“Shepard.” He wraps his arms around her, squeezing her tight. “No matter how many times it takes. I want to be standing here every time. And I’m sorry for all the times my reactions have been…less than ideal.”

“Just once. I didn’t want either of us going through that again. It’s okay, I've moved past it.”

“We can do this, Kaila. I believe in you.”

That belief holds as the end draws close. And when it’s time for her to see him one last time, to send him back to the Normandy, he refuses. He always does, but he’s more insistent this time. She knows they don’t have enough time, and relents. Maybe she should—they haven’t made the final push together before, maybe with one more person, they can distract the Illusive Man enough that she won’t shoot Anderson. 

She’s wrong. 

His Reaper enhancements allow him to freeze all three of them at once. Knowing her attachment to Kaidan, he forces Shepard to shoot him twice in the head before shooting Anderson in the stomach. It’s through her tears and rage that she breaks the Illusive Man’s control and rushes him, shooting him once before pummeling him with her fists. Once he’s dead at her feet, she sways back up Anderson and collapses next to him. 

“I never should have let him come…should have left him with the Normandy. Never again…never…” She’s babbling, and a shake from Anderson next to her shocks her out of it. 

“The hell you talking about, Shepard?!”

“I’m stuck in a time loop, Anderson. Reliving the three years from Eden Prime until now. Changing things in hope it ends. God I hope this isn’t the last one. The Conduit can kill me for all I care if it ends this. I’d see him again, see Kaidan again…I can’t believe I shot him. And you, still.”

“A time loop? How many tries?”

“This is 250. And I don’t know what I’m doing wrong.”

“Nothing. You’ve made every choice with the best for the galaxy in mind. And if this one doesn’t work, I know you’ll keep trying.” He coughs. “Damn it, Shepard. Don’t stop fighting!”

“I’m so tired, Anderson.” She starts to cry, and Anderson coaxes her to lean against him.

“I know, kid. I can’t even imagine how tired. But I believe in you. You can push through and find a solution. It doesn’t end here.”

She laughs harshly. “You could shoot me right now, sir, and I’d still end up back there. Already tried that.”

“I won’t. Because this could be the end.”

“I know.”

“Then get moving, Shepard. And if this isn’t the end, I’ll see you soon.”

His parting words motivate her enough to get on her feet. To trudge to the Catalyst. She ignores the boy and heads straight for her choice. Destroy. Always destroy, but this time in particular. She either wants death, or for the next thing she hears to be Kaidan’s voice. 

She fires. 

Chapter Text

“Commander, a moment.” Javik rumbles as Liara exits and Shepard was about to follow. “There is something…odd about you.”

Shepard freezes. “What do you mean ‘odd’?”

“When we touched, your biomemory is…off. It is like touching one of our memory shards. For a moment when we touched, I saw moments that I know have not happened yet–Thessia has not yet burned, yet you have seen it. You have seen it many times. Why, Shepard? Why does it feel like you have lived for hundreds of years?”

She sighs before locking the door. “I was worried this day would come. I’m a little shocked it took this long for your senses to pick up on it, honestly.”

Javik instantly makes the connection. “You have lived this all before.”

“Correct.”

“How many times?!” He storms forward and presses her against the wall, careful not to make skin-to-skin contact. “How many times have you failed to stop this?!” He can’t hold his biotics back, green energy starting to crackle around them.

“I’m on my 313th attempt. I’ve rarely failed .” She snaps. “We finish the Crucible and find the Catalyst. I make it to where I can choose what to do with the Reapers. I choose to destory them every fucking time . And then I keep waking up on the first Normandy. Moments before the galaxy turns on its head.” Her voice stays harsh, but she didn’t do anything to break out of his hold. “I don’t know what I’m doing wrong, Javik. And if the answer is I am not supposed to destroy the Reapers…if I’m supposed to control them or merge organic and synthetic life…then I guess I will spend my life reliving this. My own personal hell.”

“Show me!” Javik reaches up and grabs the back of her head so he can press their foreheads together. Immediately, memories flood between them–he sees Kaidan dead on Virmire, the rachni queen destroyed. The council living, the council dying. He sees so many experiments to stop this–killing herself, giving Cerberus the Reaper data from the Collector homeworld, trying to take more people on the final push, different outcomes with the Quarians and Geth. 

He sees death, so much death. Watching the people she loves die over and over and over. Earth, Thessia, and more burning. 

Death

Death

Death

Javik breaks away, stumbling back before collapsing on the floor. Shepard does the same, letting herself slide down. The prothean is quiet, save for panting. 

“Are you satisfied? Am I doing enough for you, Javik?” She spits. 

“I do not understand. Is there really nothing we can do in any cycle to destroy them? Are we doomed to repeat this cycle over and over again.” His eyes go angry. “Why don’t you make your leadership listen to you?! Why do you not do more to make the Alliance believe you, make the council believe you!?”

“Oh, did you miss the repercussions of that?” She offers a hand out. “There’s a reason why I don’t stop you from the things you say about the current governing species.” 

He takes and sees more of her memories. Court marshals, executions, imprisonments, demotions. All of the times Shepard has tried, all of the times she failed, flash through. “They are all foolish.” He grumbles, letting go of her hand. 

“Am I foolish, Javik? Or do you believe me that I’ve been doing my best to try and fix the fucking galaxy and stop the Reapers.”

“I believe you, Commander.” He pants. “I just cannot understand why your governments do not.”

“I don’t understand either, Javik.”

“Yet every time, you maintain your calm. You still act with so much…concern for the galaxy. Why do you persist on that path, instead of aggression?”

“...I suppose it’s just not usually in my nature.”

“I challenge you to make it your nature, next time. Should this attempt also fail. Channel your rage, your anger, your frustration that I know you feel, and let that fuel you. Ask yourself what I would do.”

She snorts. “I’ll make a bracelet to remind me–WWJD.”

“...I do not understand.”

“It’s…never mind.” Shepard chuckles a little. “It’ll remind me of what I’m promising–I will push myself to make choices that I believe you’ll approve of.”

"Good." Javik stands and offers his hand to her. "Whatever it takes, Commander Shepard. The powers of this universe have put this burden upon you, and fate circles you like a predator waiting to pounce. I do not wish you luck--I wish you the strength to continue fighting.”

“Thank you, Javik.” She unlocks the door and looks over her shoulder back at the last prothean. “You will see the defeat of the Reapers, Javik. You will get vengeance for your people.”

“Good.”

There’s a part of Shepard, as the end grows closer, that hopes this is the last time. That she won’t have to follow Javik’s advice, that her way of pulling the galaxy together is enough. She can tell that for every decision she makes, Javik is silently judging and thinking of what she should do differently. There are a few times after a mission she gets his thoughts on how she handled things, how he would have behaved differently. It’s all information she hopes to not need. 

She’s back in the Catalyst, ready to make her next attempt at destroying the Reapers. With eyes closed, she prays this is the last time…

It’s not.

The cockpit of the SR-1 comes into view, Joker and Kaidan bickering as the message to meet Nihlus comes in. “Cut the chatter.” She snaps, turning around and steeling herself for who she promised to become over the next 3 years.

Chapter Text

“The Rachni Queen is dead.” Shepard deadpans to the council. “I refused to risk her influence on the galaxy again.”

“You made the right decision, Shepard.” The turian councilor replies. “We have enough on our hands with Saren.”

“Agreed.” Adds the salarian councilor. “It was a wise decision.”

“Thank you. I will report back if I have anything important to relay.” Shepard cuts the call and braces herself on the control panel. 

“Fuck. She didn’t deserve that.” Tears start to form in her eyes. “How am I supposed to keep doing this? How many more creatures I usually save will die because of me?” 

It's not an answer she likes. Shepard had shaken up her normal preferred way of tackling problems, recruiting Liara then immediately going to Noveria. At least yelling at bureaucrats was stress relieving.

Then comes Virmire, as much as she was dreading it. She knew she'd never win the argument with Wrex, he'd be able to tell her heart wasn't in it. It was one of the hardest things she's ever done, putting a bullet in his back. Knowing this was one of the few choices she hadn't made yet, but hoped to whatever forces are out there that maybe, just maybe, it's the right one. 

She hates who she's becoming, hates the looks Kaidan gives her when he thinks she isn't looking. All of them, really. It'll be a wonder if she can recruit Garrus, Tali, or Chakwas for her time with Cerberus. There's a moment where she is about to leave Kaidan behind before going back for him. How could she leave him? Even if they barely have a friendship, seeing him reminds her of what she's fighting for. If she's successful maybe, just maybe, she can beg him for forgiveness. Spend every day of her life making it up to him. 

Feros. Shepard put it off intentionally because she knew what she had to do. She knew the infected settlers of Feros needed to die, and knew Shiala would need to die too. For good(?) measure, she'd kill everyone at Exo-Geni too. If the settlers they got sick and practically indoctrinated were going to die, they deserved the same fate. At least she could make the settlers look like an accident, and the scientists as part of her anger about the situation. 

At least

At least

At least...

At least her next big decision was easy--she hated the council. Always will. It was the easiest decision she'll ever make, letting them die to preserve Alliance troops. Shepard had hoped that defeating Sovereign would feel better, giving all of the sacrifices she was forcing. All of the lives she had ended in pursuit of the greater good. 

Greater good. Shepard scoffs to herself as she's mentally preparing for Alchera, again. You'd think the greater good wouldn't lead to me getting spaced hundreds of times.

Throughout her time with Cerberus, she's furious and lets everyone know it. Her and Jack get along splendidly because of it, for the first time their relationship built upon mutual anger, and not Shepard trying to calm the woman down. Jack quickly ends up on every mission, knowing the biotic won't care about how ruthless she is, as long as the work is getting done. 

"Shepard, you can't be serious!?" Kaidan snaps as they stand across from each other on Horizon. "I knew you'd stop at nothing, after the things I saw on the SR-1, but this is a low I never thought you'd stoop to! You saw what Cerberus was doing, what they did to you on Akuze!"

"They let me get results!" She snaps back. "They work for me, they let me run this operation how I want, and they'll make it so I can keep humanity safe. That's all that will ever matter." Shepard turns sharply and starts to leave, but pauses. "Get over it, Alenko." The words cut through her. "The sooner you do, the happier you'll be, and the more you'll see that I have a point."

Finally, she's at the point where she can walk away from Cerberus. She's not exactly looking forward to her court martial, but at least it means she's through what she feels like is the worst of this attempt. Two of her choices will always haunt her--she let Garrus shoot Sidonis, and she lets the factory workers die so Zaeed can have his revenge. It's truly all downhill from here. She knows events will move too quickly at this point, and it's about seeing the fruits of her labor grow. 

So Shepard decides to leave with a bang.

Everyone is off the Normandy, even Joker, as she calls up the Illusive Man.

"Shepard, what can I do for you?"

"Go to hell."

"Excuse me?"

"Go. To. Hell." She starts to pace. "I've put up with every fucked up request you have asked of me. I have executed them to the letter . I saved humanity from the Collectors, I have kept humanity safe. I have laid groundwork to prepare for the Reapers. And now, I'm going to turn the Normandy over to the Alliance, I'll face the consequences for what I've done, and you can go fuck yourself."

He stands up, gripping his cigarette tightly. "You can't do this! EDI--"

"EDI's unshackled." Shepard grins, always getting a kick out of this moment. "So actually, we can do whatever the fuck we want."

"EDI!"

"EDI, end call."

It's a waiting game, now. The biggest shift during this house arrest is therapy. They always made her go, and she went willingly, but it was worse this time. 

“What led to your decision to leave Ashley Williams behind?”

“Why did you shoot Urdnot Wrex?”

“The colonists on Feros. Was it truly impossible to save them?”

“Why did you sacrifice the council for humanity’s interests?”

“Was destroying the Alpha Relay really the only option?”

Why?

Why?

Why?

She wishes she could tell the truth. That these atrocities might be the one thing that saves the galaxy, even if she dooms herself in the process. But Shepard feeds them half-truths that come to her pretty easily after roughly a thousand years of therapy. She carefully manipulates the truth so she doesn’t sound out of her mind or that she needs to be put on trial for more than necessary. 

Shepard writes report, after report, after report about the Reapers, the Collectors, and how to prepare. She pushes as hard as she can for results, refusing to budge or compromise on her asks. Thanks to Anderson, it works. Preparations increase in some areas, and Shepard starts to pray that it’s enough. 

It’s not.

Earth’s invaded. Kaidan still yells. Still gets injured by the Cerberus bot. Garrus is still a leader on Palaven, but he’s harsher. She doesn’t like the cruel, calculated thought process her friend adopted after his revenge. But he still comes with her. She still deals with the genophage cure, but it’s Wreav instead of Wrex and he’s impossible (Shepard vows to never kill her friend again). Things are playing out slightly differently, but nothing feels different and she starts to wonder if it was all worth it.

As soon as she has a spare moment, she takes them to Eden Prime. She’s anxious to wake Javik up to talk about the changes she’s made this time, and how nothing seems any better. 

Once Liara’s out of the room, Javik sharply turns his head to look at Shepard. “Why are you primitives still so unprepared?!”

“I don’t know, Javik! You think I haven’t tried? I followed your advice–I pushed, I was ruthless, I made sacrifices. I twisted the truth, I doctored reports, I applied knowledge of the last 313 fucking cycles to try and prepare us better. And for what?! Years of guilt, dead friends, a lonely life, and a galaxy still at odds with each other while the Reapers destroy us. Can’t you see that I did everything I could think of?!” Just like in their previous meeting about this, she slides to the ground. “I don’t know what I keep doing wrong, Javik, and I’m so tired.”

The prothean surveys her on the ground. “Get up, Commander Shepard.”

“No.” 

“Are you done fighting, then? Have they finally taken the fight out of you?”

“...I don’t know.”

Javik crouches, close enough that it demands her attention and Shepard raises her head. “You have not lost, Shepard. Your galaxy, your people, are not yet lost. As long as you have the strength to continue, we have not lost.”

The room goes quiet. Shepard stares at Javik, the last remaining Prothean. Their embodiment of vengeance. The one creature that could best understand what she was going through. And he was calling her to fight.

How could she reject that call?

“No.” She stands, Javik following. “We’re not done yet. I’m not done yet.”

“Good.” He offers her a hand. “Welcome back to the fight, Commander Shepard.”

In the end, though, it doesn’t matter. All her ruthlessness, her pushing, her preparations, and she ends up right where she always does: a familiar hum, and welcomed voiced bickering.

Fuck it. She thinks to herself. From now on, it’s about time with the people I love.

Chapter Text

Just open the door and talk to him. He’s finally back, you played your cards right once again. And you know what you need to say now. Just…follow the plan. It works. 

But if it works, why am I always so terrified for this conversation?

Kaila had been stalled in front of the observation deck door for 5 minutes, and pacing between the kitchen and the door for another 10. She was hoping anyone else that saw her would just write it off as nerves at having him back, and not read too far into it. 

“Commander.” EDI buzzed over their private channel. “You are not doing yourself any favors by stalling.”

“I know.” She mumbled back. “I don’t know what it is, but this time…it feels different.”

“You’ve previously said that you look quite different in this cycle. Does that concern you?”

“Yes. Along with a hundred other things.”

“Do you need me to open the door for you?”

“...No.” Shepard takes her last step forward, triggering the door to open. As always, Kaidan was leaning against the window, staring out into the expanse of space. The sight of him like that always made her a little weak in the knees, and this time was no different. 

“Shepard.” Kaidan speaks before she can get much past the doorway, having caught her reflection in the window. “Do you need something?”

“I was hoping we could talk. About Horizon, the coup…everything.”

“I figured this conversation would happen sooner than later. Do you want to sit?”

“Please.” Kaila’s careful to perch herself on the far side of the couch, knees pulled to her chest. Once he’s sat as well, she says, “Do you want to start or should I?”

“I will. I owe you an apology, Shep. Probably several, if I’m being honest with myself. The things I said to you on Horizon…I wasn’t fair to you. The Alliance heard rumors, of course, but nothing substantial. But I knew–Tali messaged me you were alive and with Cerberus, and Garrus messaged he’d joined your crew. They kept trying to defend you, but I was too stubborn to listen. 

“And I didn’t do any better on Mars, or when we visited afterwards. I just…I kept pushing you away because I was scared. I threw up every reason I could think of to get you out of my head–Cerberus, Thane, anything. And you didn’t deserve that, you never did. I’m sorry.”

She shakes her head. “You had every reason to doubt me, Kaidan. I don’t know if it matters, but I did want to–tried to–reach out to you before Horizon. But Cerberus blocked me at every turn. We weren’t on equal footing–I was warned ahead of the mission you were stationed there, and you had no clue.

“And Thane…” Shepard sighs. “If you’re really upset by that, then we need to discuss it more. Later. This…this can’t go any further until you understand that I was struggling and lonely and hurt. We picked him up just after Horizon, after seeing Liara and having another crew member say they couldn’t come with. He was so…calm. At peace, despite everything he was facing. That pulled me to him in a way I can’t explain. I didn’t know if I’d come back from the Collector Base, and my heart was broken, and he held the pieces and told me I was okay. I love him as deeply as I love you. He never wanted to come between you and I, and we both knew that our time together would be short. We wouldn’t be talking if he hadn’t healed my heart.”

“I know that now. I shouldn’t have said the things I did at the hospital–another apology you’re owed. I’m sorry.”

“Thank you. I appreciate you saying that, and I accept.” Tucking a bit of bright red hair–so different from the typical chestnut she was used to–she gives him a small smile. “I wasn’t exactly helping matters either. Everything that happened while I was with Cerberus was a fight–I felt like I was losing more and more of who I was every day, simply because I couldn’t pause long enough to process. And it didn’t help that I looked nothing like I did before. Cerberus was…lenient with the visual reproduction, it seems.”

“I’ve noticed. Do you know why?”

“Miranda admitted that the Illusive Man was hoping to make me look more ‘imposing’. The bright red hair was fiery, a few extra inches commanded more respect, a lack of scars and tattoos spoke of perfection, the curves had more…appeal.” The word feels dirty in her mouth. “I came back wrong .” Her voice broke on the last word.

“Kaila.” The way her name rolled off his tongue made her swoon every time, but it wasn’t enough to stop the tears forming. “There is nothing Cerbrus could do to make you come back wrong.” He slid close enough to touch her, gingerly reaching out for her forearm to wrap his fingers around. “Even if you tried, you could not come back wrong.”

“How are you so confident in that?”

“Because I see what you do. I see you playing games with kids at the refugee camps, mentoring James, and still battling Citadel politics. Not once have you waived from the woman that I knew on the SR-1. My eyes may not know you, but my heart still does.” He leans down to rest his chin on the other side of her knees, their noses almost touching. “I’ve been afraid to think and feel with my heart since you died. I didn’t want to get hurt again.”

“I don’t want to hurt you, Kaidan.” Shepard’s voice is small. “That was never my intention.”

“The hurt makes us feel alive. It lets us know we loved enough to lose something.” One of his hands moves closer to cradle her head. “Like I love you now. And always have. And always intend to.”

“You’re not scared?”

“No. I’ve never felt more sure about something in my life. Can I kiss you, Kaila?”

“Please.” 

The gap closes in an instant, Kaidan’s lips pressing against hers. The tears that had been threatening to spill over do as she relaxes into the kiss. It’s the most natural thing in the world to her–every moment she gets to spend with him means something. But it’s always this one, where they’ve overcome the past and can start building towards a future, that means the most. It’s the moment that reignites her desire to see this through–whether this is the last cycle or there’s a hundred more ahead of her. 

Chapter Text

Shepard slumps against the dais next to Anderson, panting. “Sir…I have something to tell you.”

“I’m not long for this world, Shep.” He coughs. “Better make it quick.”

“This isn’t the first time we’ve been here, having this conversation. And you’re one of the few that ever knows the truth.”

“What truth?”

“I’m…stuck in a loop. Sort of like that old Earth film, except instead of a day…every time I destroy the Reapers I find myself back on the SR-1, answering your message to go talk to Nihlus. And I do it all over again, sometimes slightly different, sometimes drastically so. But if I make it this far, it always ends the same–you and me, right here, having this conversation.”

“How many times?”

“This is my 536th attempt.”

“Hell, Shepard. Why didn’t you say anything sooner?”

“I have, a few times. You believe me, you always have. But depending on who else finds out…sometimes I’m locked up in a psych ward until the Reapers attack Earth. Others I’ve been killed outright. I started to find it easier just to tell you at the end.”

Anderson coughs again. “Does anything I tell you ever help?”

“Everything helps, sir.” Shepard sighs, shifting closer to rest her head on his shoulder. “It helps because for a few minutes, I don’t feel insane. You always find something to say that pushes me a little further, makes it easier to go on. You give me hope.”

The pair sits in silence as Anderson slowly bleeds out. They both know nothing can be done, but she won’t leave until he passes. 

“You know what? I think something feels different this time, kid.”

“Do you really think so?”

“Yeah, I think this might be it.” He pats her knee twice before she starts to sit up. “I believe in you, Kaila Shepard. I always have, and I always will.”

“That’s all I ever need.” Shepard waits until she can’t feel him breathing next to her any more before finally starting to crawl towards the command console.

This is the part she always dreads. Other parts of the cycle are painful too, but the crawl from where Anderson dies to where she confronts the Catalyst is the worst. It’s hard for her to say if it’s the physical pain or the emotional that makes it such a task. Or if the worst part is that the Catalyst is fully aware of the cycle she’s trapped in and keeps trying to tempt her towards other options in hopes to break it.

“Here we are again, Commander Shepard.” The Catalyst appears in a flickering hologram, as usual.

“Here we are. Do you mind if we cut the bullshit this time around? I’m just really not feeling it this time.”

“Will you not allow me to state my newest case? What I have learned from Shepard-Cycle 536?”

“We’re not your fucking experiment!” She snaps. “I know you are pleased to have so many repetitions to learn from, and nothing you say will change how I behave in the next cycle.”

“Does that not raise a question for you?”

Shepard pauses. “What do you mean?”

“If I dictate the Reapers and their patterns, and I remember everything that happens from previous cycles, why do I not create drastic change every time it resets?”

“I’ll bite–why don’t you?”

“Whatever force is resetting time, allowing the pair of us to keep our memories, goes far enough back that I cannot stop the invasion. Sovereign is already on the move, Saren indoctrinated. I have tried subtle things to change the paths, just like you have, but we always end in two ways–either when you choose to destroy us, or if something kills you before you get to me.” The child sits cross-legged, head propped up on his hands. “Shepard…aren’t you tired?”

Unable to detect any lies, Shepard joins him on the ground in a huff. “Of course I’m tired.” She closes her eyes for a moment. “I wish I’d just die. And sometimes I’ve thought if I was dead, if I was never involved, that maybe the cycle would break.”

“Shepard-Cycles 19 and 497. Interesting you tried it twice, and so far apart.”

“You forget–494, 495, and 496 were when the whole Normandy was destroyed before I even made it to you. I…I felt like I needed a reset on my own terms. Hence, 497.”

“I see.” Silence hangs between them. “But still not tired enough to consider one of your other options?”

Shepard shakes her head. “Every cycle just further cements that I want this destroyed. I never want anyone else to go through this.”

“You could stop it, if you were in control. And there would be no need for it if organics and synthetics merged.”

“We’ve gone down this philosophical road before. All options conflict with my morals, and take the right to life away from someone. Whether I’m in control, we’re all merged, or I destroy synthetic life. I will always have to live with this choice, and the last 535 choices.” Shepard finally heaves herself back to her feet. “As my morals have not changed, nor will my choice.” With shaky steps, she begins to hobble her way towards the destroy engine. 

Pistol raised, she looks over her shoulder one last time. “I hope to never see you again. I hope this time, we finally know peace.”

“...I do too, Shepard. Even if this kills me.”

“Even if this kills us.”

She fires at the contraption, releasing the energy that is supposed to wipe out synthetic life across the universe. Please. I’m so tired. Haven’t I done enough? Am I really cursed to live this way forever?

Shepard braced for the familiar: flashing to the Normandy SR-1, listening to Joker and Kaidan bicker, and being called to the communications room. She’s ready for the hum of a ship she called home, the feeling of relief of being in zero pain, and a life where for even for a moment, things made sense.

Instead, she’s in a mind-space, similar to what Leviathan did to speak with her. The galaxy is spread out below her feet, the light dim. Shepard’s eyes flick around, trying to figure out what was going on. As she turns, she sees a figure approaching. 

“Ah…The Shepard.”

“Just Shepard.”

“That is not how you will be known.” The figure steps close enough for her to see an older man, one that looks more at homes in the woods than standing above the galaxy. “You guided the lost lambs of the galaxy to a new future. A future you stood behind. You became The Shepard.”

“I…I suppose. I’m sorry, who are you? And what am I doing here? This…isn’t how it goes. I should either be dead or back on the SR-1.”

“What if I told you it was time for a third outcome?”

“Are you the one controlling this?! Sent me on 536 cycles–over 1,500 YEARS–of fighting the Reapers?! And for what?!”

“For the harvests to truly break. For the last one to cause as little harm as possible.” He raises a hand and what look like screens appear around them. After a moment, Shepard realizes that they’re replaying her life, hundreds of times over.

“You may not see it, they may not have told you, but this was the first cycle where others detected what was happening. That they saw patterns written in the stars that hinted towards repetitive cycles. The smart ones gathered that you were the center of it all, and started putting plans in place. Didn’t you notice a difference this time?”

She opens her mouth to argue, the refute that nothing had changed that she hadn’t forced, but then she pauses–odd things Legion and the geth had said, odd emails from Veetor, Bakura’s leadership of the krogan, the rachni queen having more foot soldiers. That wasn’t even the beginning, once she really started to think. “I…I didn’t notice.” Shepard sighs. “I was so tired this cycle–I focused on why I kept fighting, my friends and Thane and Kaidan. Truthfully, I have been for quite some time.”

“Who you also have been able to keep alive the last few cycles–haven’t you noticed the hanar’s odd behavior?”

“No. I was losing the will to carry on again, and I learned from the last 500 tries that I usually needed to switch my focus for a few cycles to remind myself.” She smiles softly. “I even managed to save Kaidan and Ashley, this cycle and the last one.”

“And you’ve been rewarded. It’s over.”

Her eyes go wide. “No…” Shepard falls to her knees, tears streaming from her eyes. “It…it’s over?”

The man kneels, resting a hand on her shoulder. “It’s over. Rest, recover. Learn to live a life outside of war and pain. Help shepherd in a new era of peace. Make sure the sacrifices made aren’t forgotten, and that mistakes aren’t repeated.”

She laughs. “Thought you said I could relax.”

He chuckles. “You and I both know you will never truly rest.”

“I didn’t get your name.”

“I am The Stargazer. And I will ensure your stories are told.”

“Stories?”

“I know of all your attempts. And I will tell them, to keep the past from repeating itself. You are owed that much.” The Stargazer presses on her shoulder. “Now, lay down, Shepard. Sleep.”

Shepard honestly doesn’t know what to expect, and she’s more confident she’ll hear the sounds of the SR-1 again than anything else. Instead of a ship’s hum, it’s rhythmic beeping; in place of relief, intense pain. She’s not standing, she laying out in a bed, a familiar weight on her stomach. Finally forcing her eyes open reveals Kaidan with his head on her stomach. One of their hands is linked and he’s fully asleep. With a trembling hand, she reached out to card her fingers through his hair. She can feel him lean into the familiar touch before his eyes shoot open.

“Kaila.” His voice is barely above a whisper.

“Hey, Kaidan.” Her voice is raspy from disuse. “Please…tell me we won. Tell me it’s over.”

Kaidan rises up to sit next to her on the bed, pressing their foreheads together. “It’s over. The Reapers are defeated, the galaxy is safe, and it’s healing. All of our friends are safe too.”

Her eyes darted around the room for a moment. “...Thane?”

“He’ll be pissed he missed you waking up, but he’s fine. It was time for his next round of treatment.”

Tears immediately begin to form and fall from her eyes. “I can’t believe it. It’s finally over.”

He starts to kiss her tears away before pressing a long kiss to her lips. “It’s over.”

Kaila takes a steadying breath before looking at him. “I need to tell you the truth.”

“What truth?”

“...I’ve been trapped in a cycle of redoing all of this again and again. From the moment Anderson calls for me on the SR-1 to the moment I leave him behind to activate the Catalyst. This…this is the first time it’s worked.”

Kaidan’s hands come up to cup her face. “How many?”

“536.”

“Fuck, Shepard!”

“I know.”

“Why didn’t you tell me?!”

“Sometimes I did. Usually I didn’t. The times you knew…it led you to take risks I couldn’t let you continue to take. I quickly realized it was a choice that altered too much about the course of events for you to know.” She laughs a little. “You love me too much. Particularly after I die over Alchera, the grief it drives you to, the choices you make. I couldn’t keep being responsible for that.”

“Do you tell anyone?” His voice is quiet. “Or do you bear it alone?”

“The only ones I willingly tell are Anderson and Eve. I don’t tell Anderson until he’s dying, and confide in Eve shortly before deploying the cure. She…she steadies me. Let me talk through things from a different perspective. Javik’s sensory abilities started catching it about 200 cycles ago. EDI found out during the second cycle when I was yelling about it in my quarters, and there’s also something in her systems that made her notice every time after. She’s an objective party that is helpful for when I was making decisions on what I wanted to try changing.” Realization dawns across her face. “EDI! Fuck, she…she probably…”

“She’s fine. Sort of. Mostly. She’s back to being solely bound to the Normandy or similar system. Her synthetic body was destroyed, but she had a backup of herself saved so she could still be connected to the Normandy.”

Kaila relaxes. “Good. Her fate was one of the things that always held me back.”

“Any other questions?”

“How long have I been out?”

“Few weeks. You didn’t look good when they found you, Shep. They said it was fortunate she followed her gut with your cybernetics–enough natural function had been restored to keep your vitals somewhat stable until someone found you. Miranda was still Earthside, the second she found out what hospital you were at she made her way over. I’m shocked she isn’t already here.”

“Despite what people say, I do understand restraint and a need for privacy.” The door slides open, revealing Miranda. “I thought the two of you deserved a moment alone before I came in.”

Shepard gave her a weak smile. “Thanks, Miranda.” 

Not waiting any longer, Miranda began to run a scan of Shepard’s body. “I’m actually shocked you’re conscious with the readings I’m picking up.”

“I won’t lie, all of me hurts.” 

“And it will for some time. I’ve been able to fix a lot of you, but I don’t exactly have the same resources I did the first time.” Finished with her scan, the woman smiles. “But everything is functioning fine. I don’t think there is any other work I’ll need to do, and I can fully turn you over to the capable hands of Dr. Chakwas.” She starts to enter a few things into her omni-tool before shutting it down. “It’s good to have you back, Shepard. Take all the time you need to heal up–we can handle things from here.” 

“I think I can manage that.” Her smile fades as Miranda leaves and is replaced with a grimace. “I don’t want to go back to sleep.”

“You need rest, Kaila.” Kaidan slides closer, gently manipulating them both until she can curl into his side. “I won’t leave, I promise. I’ll be right here when you wake up.”

The steady thump-thump, thump-thump of his heart quickly lulls her closer to sleeping. “Just don’t let me wake up alone. I don’t want to think this is just a dream.”

“You won’t.” He kisses the top of her head. “I’ll stay close. Always.”