Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

This was the last fucking straw.
The. Fucking. Last.

Poison Ivy. In her... private parts. All because of Derek and his stupid trailer, his stupid ex-girlfriend and her stupid dog.

Okay, actually the dog isn't stupid at all. By all means, he was probably her only friend here in Seattle.

A dog. A very cute dog, but still.

And the ex-girlfriend isn't stupid either, sadly. Unfortunately she was rather smart. And not at all in the wrong.

God damn it. A hot, burning feeling starts taking up residence in her throat and right behind her eyes. She tries swallowing, but it doesn't help at all, instead of being able to get rid of the sensation, she only manages a choking sobbing sound to come out of her mouth.

And that is her breaking point and the exact moment she starts ugly crying in the middle of an exam room while a very grumpy Miranda Bailey is right on eye level with her itching vagina hidden beneath a blue hospital sheet. Just fucking great.

'Addison!", Miranda calls.

But Addison isn't available right now, simply not there. Addison is someone else, someone who has her shit together, a grown up, a successful surgeon, someone who doesn't get poison ivy in very unpleasant areas, who wouldn't be caught dead in a position like this.

No, she isn't Addison right now.
So instead of answering to her name, she continues crying, while Miranda looks at her with a mix of surprise, pity and annoyance.

"Please stop crying, because when you cry I have to..." The rest of her sentence is lost, when dark splotches appear on Miranda's shirt right over her breasts.

The doctor starts wiping furiously which makes Addison cry even more, because she is sorry, because she is sick of making people uncomfortable, because she is just simply sick of being herself at the moment.

"I'm sorry, Miranda...", Addison manages to choke out after a moment. "I am being punished, God punishes me!"

Miranda just stares in that way of hers in which she is all caring and annoyed and strict at the same time. She sighes deeply.

"I think, God should better be doing other things than punishing you.", she responds.

"No, I'm telling you, he punishes me for sleeping with Mark... This is what I get!"

Addison is very aware she sounds pathetic right now with this whiny, watery, high pitched voice.

"You slept with Mark?!" The short doctor looks flabbergasted.

"Not here... in New York.", she therefore explains. Miranda nods in understanding.

"Still, I don't think you're being punished by some higher power, Addison. Not for sleeping with one of your friends."

Miranda starts putting the tools away she used for securing her embarrassing diagnose. Addison watches her shuffling around the small room.

"Two.", she finally sighs.

Miranda turns around on the spot, raising an eyebrow. "Two what?"

"Two friends.", Addison answers looking to the side, avoiding Miranda's eyes. "And I know how adultery is one of the seven deadly sins or something. At least I know lust is. Isn't it?"

Her voice is slowly coming back down to her normal speaking tone, losing the frantic, desperate edge. Now she just sounds tired. Utterly exhausted even.

"It is.", Miranda agrees after a short silence. Then: "Who was the other one?"

Addison fixes her eyes back onto her colleague, asking herself how much more of herself she can give away to her. Somehow she feels that Miranda Bailey earned this information. With all she'd done for her today, fighting off Webber, even lying to him and also Derek...
She sort of deserves her trust, Addison decides.

"It was even before Mark...", she starts. "There was this... person. In New York. I felt seen, safe, we used to be friends, too. Until one day, a glass of wine lead to another and we... we..."

Miranda holds up one of her small, capable hands.

"I see.", she says, sparing Addison from telling the dirty details. A wave of relief flodds through her veins at that.

Despite not telling the whole story, Addison feels like there is a small weight lifted from her shoulders. The way she was able to tell Miranda makes something inside her chest go warm. Maybe, just maybe, there was still someone here in Seattle who cared about what happened to her, what she was going through. Aside from Doc. The fuzzy pet was maybe a good listener and an even better distraction, but he rarely provided any advice or verbal answer (thank God). So Addison is grateful.

She takes two deep breaths to calm down a little more and starts to cover up herself when the other doctor speaks up once again.

"Addison, we don't know each other very well. But let me tell you this: Problems rarely just disappear into thin air. They don't just go away without being untangled first. Do with that what you please."

Something tells Addison that the junior doctor is not talking about the poison ivy.

A smile tugs at the corner of Miranda's mouth, her dark brown eyes showing nothing, but kindness. Addison stands up from the gyn examination chair and returns the not quite smile with a genuine one of her own. She feels her facial skin burn a little, feels the dried tear streaks on her cheeks in a way only possible after a very good, very cleansing crying session.

"Thank you, Miranda, you helped me a lot today, I owe you.", she says.

"Oh, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, I could maybe think of a favor or two I'd like."

Addison doesn't miss the way the resident uses her formal title again. It's teasing and makes her heart feel a little lighter.

"I thought so.", she answers, squeezes Miranda's shoulder and in front of the exam room door they part ways.

While Bailey goes to be with her newborn son, Addison needs to do some thinking. A lot of thinking actually. And maybe a bit of drinking.

She goes to find the Chief to ask him for a day off.

-

It's slowly getting better, being around him. Being professional. Meredith can do professional. Sometimes it still stings to see him, but the rage helps. This hot, burning feeling that has taken up residence right behind her breast bone.

She had thought this kind of stuff was in her past. Drama. She has had enough of that for a whole lifetime for heaven's sake. And then this guy shows up with his eyes and his hair and his surgical skill and... his wife. His beautiful, elegant wife, who of course is also a very capable, skilled surgeon and on top of that NOT just simply a stupid bitch she is able to hate just like that.

Yes, Meredith is mad, furious even, at Derek. And especially at the way he keeps looking at her like right now. This sad, beaten puppydog face, as if she was to blame for his misery!

"That all, Dr. Shepherd?", she asks him, after he hands her back the patients charts.
Her voice is cold and she is very proud of herself for that.

"Meredith...", he says in that breathy voice, eyes still so full of sorrow she could have downright slapped him across the face.

"No.", she answers. "It's Dr. Grey to you. Or Grey. Is that all, Dr. Shepherd?"

Her voice trembles only a little and he shakes his head.

A small nod and she's on her way back to work. The whole encounter made her so furious that she almost bumps into Cristina on her way to her next patient.

"Whoa, hey, Meredith.", she says. "What's up?" Because of course she knows something is up.

"It's McDreamy. He was all sad eyes and Meredith...", she imitates his voice and Cristina snorts in sympathy.

"God dammit, he had his chance, you basically threw yourself at him. Can he just stop it already?"

Meredith agrees with her friend very much, but the phrasing makes her feel queasy. Yes, she did throw herself at him, basically begged him to choose her instead of... Addison. But he hadn't. He chose Addison instead.

Gorgeous, smart, classy, fucking perfect in every way possible Addison. And who could really blame him. After suddenly appearing at the Seattle Grace Hospital she could have been mean, cruel, hostile towards Meredith. But no. Instead she was all supportive, a good teacher, even admitting that she was the one in the wrong.

Taking in her dog, being kind to him, going so far as to even try befriend her on Derek's behalf.

Who wouldn't choose a saint like that?

"Meredith?", Cristina asks now, after a moment of silence in which she hadn't answered.

"Yes?"

But Cristina doesn't look at her at all. Instead she is pointing at the very woman who was living rent free in Meredith's mind and who is leaving the hospital through the front doors right now with a smile on her face that is visible even from a distance.

"She looks happy.", Cristina commented.

"Yes, she has it now, doesn't she?"
Even though the way Derek kept looking at Meredith makes the question pop up now and then how happy the couple could actually be and if Addison really had it all.

"Where do you think she's going at this early hour?"

"Dunno." She feigns disinterest, even though she is dying to know what could make Addison Montgomery-Shepherd so goddamn happy about leaving so early. Normally the woman was very hard to remove from her precious Gyn ward and NICU.

Deciding not to think about it too hard, Meredith goes back to work. Neuro was really testing her today with an elderly patient suffering from Parkinson's disease. Senior citizens were her kryptonite, but she is doing her best as usual, and only thinks about strangling Derek once or twice. Every time he gives her one of his longing looks.

After her shift ends in the evening she decidedly does not take the elevator to the 1st floor and instead jogs down the two flights of stairs.

-

Addison is on the dangerous side of tipsy. At that point where you could still logically know that a decision is stupid, but you don't care, because hell, you're invincible. Right?

So Addison is standing in front of a door that she has never seen before. It's a glass door so she can look inside, into a small, untidy foyer like room where jackets and shoes are laying around messily and an old carpet is covering the floor, looking like someone threw it in there haphazardly.

The address is something she caught once in some conversation. Addison has no memory who talked to whom and who said what exactly, but the address somehow imprinted into her brain and she couldn't seem to shake it. So here she is. Why exactly? No idea.

She knocks on the door. After a few minutes a warm light brightens the foyer, making it look less messy and more sort of lived-in homey.

A slim silhouette appears and grows bigger, approaching the door and Addison starts smiling to herself. What did she want to do again?

Through the glass door she is met with the pale face of Meredith Grey, her delicate features scrunched up into an expression of utter confusion. She opens the door and looks at the redhead in front of it.

"Addison? What are you doing here?"

Logical question.

"A very logical, question, Dr. Grey!", she slurs. "I am here and that is weird."

A look of realization slowly takes over Meredith's face.

"You're drunk.", she states matter of factly. "I will call you a cab."

What would Addison need a cab for? No, no, she needed to talk to Meredith. And why were they still outside when Meredith's house looked rather warm and inviting?

So she holds up an index finger, indicating for Meredith to listen to her closely.

"I need to talk to you, Dr. Grey. Can I come in?"

The young blonde looks over her shoulder, hesitating. Then she sighs and ushers the other woman inside.

"If you must.", she mutters.

So Addison shuffles past Meredith into her living space.

Meredith leads the way towards the kitchen. "Something tells me I need a drink for this.", she tells no one in particular. Still, Addison nods approvingly.

After Meredith has settled at the kitchen counter she looks at Addison expectantly who just glances around interestedly.

"So...", Meredith says after it's clear Addison won't start talking.

"Yeah? Oh! Right! I wanted to tell you something. A drum roll would be good now..."

Meredith raises both her eyebrows and takes a swig of the liquor bottle in her hand. Yes, who needs a glass, anyways??

"Well, has to be without it then. But I still wanted to be the one breaking the news to you that I am leaving Derek." She looks at Meredith expecting some sort of emotional outbreak, questions, maybe accusations. That's why she is here drunk after all. To deal with emotions better. Hah.

But none of that happens at all. Instead Meredith gulps down some more liquor and then just stares at Addison.

"Why?", she then asks, but nothing about that simple word sounds desperate or even emotional. Or hopeful. It just sounds wondrous.

Addison takes a moment to contemplate, because her fuzzy, alcohol softened brain wants Meredith to understand exactly what went wrong. Since, you know, girl code?

If Meredith is going to fly right back into McDreamy's arms she better know.

"He does not make me happy anymore.", she starts with the most obvious reason, a fact that is true and sad. "Hasn't for a while actually.", she adds, but saying it more to herself than to the woman sitting at the kitchen counter in front of her.

Meredith nods absently, her eyes narrowing almost unrecognizably.

"Well, to be honest with you, I know he is not in love with me at all anymore. And this whole thing where he tries to be, but fails and accuses me for it all... I can't take it any longer." Addison knows her phrasing could be better. This whole thing between her and Derek is much more complicated than it sounds and she wishes she could make Meredith understand it all, from the beginning.

Trauma dumping sounds like a good idea inside her not quite drunk brain, but she refuses to let it overtake.

Instead she just sighs, wiping some stray hairs out if her forehead and starts pacing.

Meredith is quiet, not meeting her eyes. Instead she just stares at the bottle in front of her, hands fidgeting.

"I am not in love with him anymore, either.", Addison tells her then. To reassure her, that it's okay, if she wants to go after him. That she won't be in the way, won't make it any harder for them. "You can have him, have your fairytale love story."

That's pretty much all she had wanted to tell the younger doctor and now it is time for her to leave, she knows it. Maybe she will regret this in the morning, but right now it feels right. Like she might made a couple realize they belong together after all.

So Addison turns around, slightly swaying on the spot, turning her footsteps in the direction of where she at least thinks the front door is.

"I don't think I want to."

It's barely a whisper, but makes Addison turn right back around, the motion making her feel dizzy. If Meredith didn't look at her right now with watery green eyes, widened a little in desperation, Addison could've sworn she had imagined those words.

She puts her hands on her hips partly to steady herself as her knees still feel a little wobbly.

"'Scuse me?", she manages to say.

The other woman doesn't respond. Instead she gets up from her spot at the kitchen counter and turns around walking towards the cupboards behind her. She pulls out two wine and two shot glasses. After putting them down on the kitchen table, Meredith looks at the redhead expectantly.

For a moment Addison is confused, but then a light bulb flickers on inside her head.

"Oh! You want me to... alright!" She sits down across from Meredith and grabs one of the shot glasses Meredith just poured tequila into.

"To mistresses and wives!", Addison exclaims, raising the glass.

Meredith raises her own as well. "To failed relationships!"

Chapter Text

It's a rare occasion that Meredith doesn't feel cold. Mostly it happens when she's been drinking. When she drinks she feels a little warmer and logically, medically she knows how it works, how the alcohol dilates her blood vessels and improves the blood circulation.

Right now though she feels the warmth in her chest, she feels warm from talking and laughing with... Addison.

The sudden appearance of the woman who should be her arch nemesis had puzzled her endlessly. Until she realized that the attending was close to being completely shit-faced.

If anyone understood how coming to terms with emotions and alcohol were linked together, it was Meredith Grey, so now she drinks with Addison, clinks glasses together with her and toasts to stupid things like "Breakups!", "Unwelcome emotions!" And "The coffee waggon in front of the clinic!"

It's surprisingly easy to just sit here with Addison and drink. She is a good drinking companion, not too over the top, but still funny.

After several more toasts, she decides it's time to answer Addison's question. Because she is sitting with her. Because they are sharing alcohol and because they had slept with the same goddamned man.

"I don't think I want to be with Derek.", Meredith says into a moment of silence in which she pours the two of them another glass of wine.

The redhead next to her waits out her next words, her bright eyes a little unfixated.

"Before you got here, to Seattle, I thought this was it. The lovestory I wanted, the one I craved.", the younger woman continues. "I was very much falling for him and that's when this unfairly gorgeous woman just waltzes up to us and introduces herself as my perfect boyfriend's wife."

Meredith glances at Addison out of the corner of her eyes, asking herself, if she even wanted to hear Meredith's side of this encounter.

Addison is very interested in a spot on the table in front of her, but seems to be listening.

"I was so mad. At Derek, mostly, for not telling me this. In a way I felt cheated on."

Gulping audibly Addison looks up, her eyes sad. "Sorry.", she mutters. "I could've been more sensitive that day."

A moment of silence passes in which the two women just carefully stare at each other.

"Well... anyways, I..." Meredith hesitates, once again fidgeting with her hands, breaking the eye contact.

"I... practically begged him to choose me. And not you." There. She said it, admitted it.

Addison's eyes widen and she grits her teeth.

"And he didn't.", she says, sounding almost angry. At whom, Meredith doesn't know.

"And he didn't", she agrees.

It stings, talking about it. Even though she is more angry now than hurt. Not being chosen hurts. Being the second choice, being not enough. And now she is even angrier after Addison's admittance that, in fact, Derek chose her willingly even though he made it clear that he hadn't wanted to. And now he makes her responsible even though he had been the one making the decision.

Suddenly enraged, Meredith slams her fists on the table and groans loudly, startling the other woman a little.

"Meredith..." Addison's voice sounds a little surprised, but strained with worry.

"He makes you seem like the culprit, like the whole ass villain of the story as if he is to blame for nothing of it all!" The younger woman is up on her feet suddenly, pacing.

"And all while making me feel responsible for him choosing you, making me feel inferior to you and now you're telling me that at the same time he makes you feel miserable as well?" She throws her hands up in frustration.

"He chose me, because he thought it was the right thing...", Addison tries, carefully as though not to make Meredith even angrier, but the intern is unstoppable in her rage now, pointing a finger at her colleague.

"No!", she yells. "Don't defend him! He makes me and you feel like shit! And blames us for that. He could've been honest with me right from the beginning. And honest with you, too!" She takes a deep breath, pressing the heels of her hands against her forehead.

"I'm not mad at him for trying, Addison. A marriage... that's serious. But he should have enough decency not to look at me like... like that... all the time! And I am mad at him for making you believe you had a chance. He has to know it's over. And he should let you off the hook."

Meredith stops pacing in the middle of the room breath a little ragged from ranting so noisily.

-

After Meredith's outbreak Addison stares, dumbfounded, cheeks a little flushed. She feels herself sober up a little at the other doctor's words. It's been a while since someone got so mad on her behalf. Or, well, also on her behalf, because it seems like Derek really poked a wound there with Meredith.

Meredith, who apparently is not done talking just yet.

"You're being the bigger person here. And you have been the bigger person ever since you came here.", she says, voice quieter now.

What does she mean by that? The bigger person? She was the one who had broken into a happy relationship. The unwanted one, destroyer of happy couples.

Her questions must be visible on her face, because Meredith sits back down and grabs Addison's hand in hers. Hers is small, but very warm. For a split second Addison hopes her own hand isn't sweaty or clammy.

She looks at the blonde expectantly.

"You are leaving him. That is what he should be doing. You're being the bigger person, realizing it has to end, and actually wanting to end it." Meredith gives Addison's hand a gentle squeeze. "You're being very strong."

Addison looks up from their conjoined hands and into the very green, very intense eyes of Meredith Grey. A blush creeps up her neck and she thinks her skin must be as red as her hair now.

"What do you mean, since I got here, Meredith?", Addison whispers, because she is afraid her voice might do something stupid like break.

Sighing, Meredith withdraws her hand and why the hell does she miss the contact? She's probably touch-starved.
The young doctor thinks about Addison's question for a moment before answering.

Sometimes she talks with her hands, the older woman notices. It's sort of endearing.

"You could've been mean to me. Make me do the shitty work at the hospital, assign me to the meanest patients. But you never did..." She tilts her head to the side, thinking.

"I thought maybe you weren't being crappy, because you didn't want Derek to see you treating me like shit. But then...", she trails off.

Why does Meredith stop talking? Why on earth when Addison desperately wants her to continue, wants her to finish the sentence. Then... what? She wants to hear why she isn't a bad person, wants to hear it from Meredith, from this woman who should logically hate her.

Because if she can see her like that, then maybe Addison can believe it.

The young intern looks uncomfortable now and quickly pours herself another shot of tequila.

Finally, after watching Meredith down the shot, a few droplets running down her chin, Addison can't take it any longer.

"Then what, Meredith?", she asks, her knuckles white from gripping the edges of her chair so hard. The question comes out a little shakier than intended. Hopefully Meredith can't sense her desperation.

Looking up from her shot glass, but not quite meeting the other woman's eyes Meredith bites her lower lip, the flesh turning white beneath her teeth. Her normally pale face is slightly pink now, probably from the alcohol, but the hue of color suits her, Addison decides.

"Then I started thinking. After our first shift together I was sure. You could've just ignored me, pretended I didn't even exist. But instead, you requested me, it was so illogical. Until it dawned on me..."

Practically hanging onto Meredith's lips right now, Addison waits for the big revelation, for something that she might missed during their first encounters. Something that maybe makes it all make sense.

Meredith takes a deep, shaky breath. She is nervous, Addison realizes.

"... you wanted to make sure that I know I wasn't the villain in the story. You wanted me to know that I wasn't to blame for your misery. That day we started working together, when you requested me as your intern..."

Addison remembers that day vividly. Asking for Meredith that day had been sort of instinctual rather than intentional even though logically she had known how uncomfortable she would make the young woman feel. But she had wanted to meet her, back then to also know what she was up against.

Their patient that day had been a pregnant woman with a high risk for a miscarriage resulting in infertility. Luckily, Addison had been able to help the woman deliver a healthy set of twins, but the interactions with the patient had been... strained to say the least. There was a backstory of a cheating husband and father of her twins and somehow the young mother had heard of the unfolding events regarding her doctor, her doctor's intern and the guy who was standing in between these two.

To the patient it was clear that Meredith must be some kind of dirty mistress seducing another woman's husband. Therefore the one to blame and she had demanded the intern to be taken off her case.

Until Addison had stepped in and defended Meredith.

And why? Yes, to right a wrong and to shield the young doctor from the unfair and almost hostile way she'd been treated. But why? Because she thought this was her job as an attending? No, not entirely. Because then she wouldn't have shared the whole personal backstory with the patient in front of her intern. She would probably have sought out the patient in private to tell her off for being so rude and maybe she would've told her that Meredith wasn't accountable for the broken marriage. Without revealing any dirty details, perhaps.

So why had she done it the way she did? Dying to hear what conclusions Meredith had come to afterwards, she leans forward a little.

This was turning out to be a much deeper conversation than Addison had anticipated when she got here first. But she finds that she doesn't mind. Talking with the blonde is surprisingly... easy. Yes, she is drunk and yes, she has talked to her before, and also about private stuff, but this is... new territory. They are talking about their feelings, their extraordinary situation that has linked them together in away that is wildly unexpected.

"Well... at first, I thought you wanted to meet me, to see what kind of person I am purely out of curiosity. And maybe be a little passive aggressive. That's what I would have done probably." Even after the several tequila shots and at least two glasses of wine, Meredith's voice is surprisingly steady.

"And you weren't exactly making it easy for me, no, you were strict, but not more than Bailey or Burke. Or Dr. Webber. I learned and I wanted to learn. Even though I was wondering why you didn't jump forward to scratch out my eyeballs." She chuckles a little at that and leans back in her chair before letting her head fall back to look at the ceiling. Addison watches her intently.

"I was nervous and uncomfortable and I wanted to desperately hate you, really. Until you defended me in front of that patient. You defended me, and made sure I knew that you knew I wasn't the bad guy. And that's when I realized you wanted to protect me. Wanted me to feel safe in your presence, because then I wouldn't be alone in this shitshow of a situation."

Sighing deeply, she added: "So we'd be in it together, somehow."

After these statements Meredith is still looking at the ceiling, her head resting on the back of her chair.

"And now you're doing it again. You're being the person who tries not to only make herself feel better, but others, too. Do you even realize, how hard you make it for me to even dislike you?"

During the last sentence Meredith lifts her head again, her words now spoken with more force behind them. Her eyes are a little wet, her expression stern. She really means it.

Addison swallows, her mouth suddenly very dry. What was she supposed to say to that?

But the other woman doesn't give her a chance to think about that much, because she already continues her monologue.

"... like, I know how you came here to win him back and to fight for your marriage. But Addison... it says a lot about you as a person that you didn't want me to get caught in the crossfire, that you tried to make it as amicably as possible."

Addison feels a single tear run down her left cheek and wipes it away in frustration not wanting the intern to see her cry. By God she'd done enough fucking crying today. She was so done being vulnerable, done with being such a crybaby.

This woman though. This woman sitting across from her, who should hate her, who should be angry with her, who should not be talking to her like this... it is as though someone is gently placing a warm blanket around her shoulders, tenderly covering her body with warmth after she has felt so cold and lost for such a long time. She simply can not help it.

And of course Meredith sees the tear slip despite her hurried attempt at wiping it away. She smiles carefully.

That soft, careful little smile does something to Addison and she feels the space in her chest widen, she feels it expanding, making room for a tingling sensation. It feels... good. A bit like spring cleaning for the soul, to talk all of this out, to finally have someone to see her and listen to her. Someone to untangle this mess with.

She is very aware that she is more than a little tipsy now and when she sees Meredith standing up to walk around the table on slightly wobbly legs to let herself fall into the chair right next to Addison she can simply stare.

Everything is a little soft and fuzzy around the edges and she knows this whole thing, this whole encounter should be weird, she should be absolutely weirded out by their sudden physical proximity. And yet, she isn't.

-

Why she approaches the other woman Meredith doesn't really know, but suddenly she is sitting right next to her, their upper arms brushing against each other gently. Goose bumps erupt underneath Meredith's Dartmouth longsleeve.

Maybe it's all the alcohol clouding her judgement, but there had been this sudden need to be closer to Addison. Perhaps it's the tear. Singular. They had shared a moment, shared emotions and shared the same broken heart.

Which makes Meredith feel a little calmer than before. They were in this together somehow.

And now the extent of her anger towards Derek is becoming increasingly clear.
Him, who simply couldn't make up his mind, meddling with the life of two women, making them both feel like shit, like they weren't enough.

Meredith, because he hadn't chosen her and Addison, because even though he chose her he didn't show her that he wanted to actually be with her.

Which made Meredith's heart hurt for Addison, because this feeling of being unwanted, not good enough, not worth loving was something she didn't wish upon anybody.

The silence that surrounds them now since Meredith had ended her whole ass speech was comfortable yet sort of charged. Because Meredith knows the redhead next to her is vulnerable right now, has opened up enough to let her glimpse into her wounded soul and is afraid now of what the younger woman might see.

Following a gut instinct Meredith takes Addison's hand once more, this time not to get a point across, but more to offer some sympathy, some sign for Addison that they both could get through this whole mess, each in their individual way, but they could do it.

Addison's head shoots up and she directs her gaze at Meredith's face, their eyes meeting, green and greyish blue.

"Thank you.", Addison whispers and sniffles almost inaudibly.

Meredith is definitely drunk, far beyond tipsy, because what she does now isn't even weird anymore, it's so batshit crazy her sober self would probably wish to be six feet under by dawn.

But this atmosphere, these raw feelings and their mutual understanding make it feel so right, make her feel so right. Not broken. Not dark and twisted, but bright and whole.

So she does the only thing she can think of right now and lets her forehead slowly fall against Addison's.

If the other woman is shocked she doesn't show it. Instead Meredith feels a shaky breath ghost over her face that smells of the fruity wine and tequila. She closes her eyes and inhales Addison's breath.

Neither of them moves a muscle. They simply sit in silence, breathing the same air, eyes closed. It is such an intimate moment that now even Meredith's drunk self feels slightly embarrassed. But not enough to end it just yet.

Until suddenly a loud thud lets them jump apart and they hear footsteps in the hall. Right, this is a shared living space and Meredith's roommates are coming home.

Their moment is destroyed like a soap bubble bursting and the two women hurriedly get off the chairs, stumbling over their feet a little, trying to put as much space between them as possible.

Suddenly sobered up both of them are embarrassed and Meredith feels a blush crawling up her neck and settling on her cheeks.

Anxiously they look into the general direction of the front door, afraid Izzy or George might waltz into the kitchen.

The footsteps disappear up the stairs though and she is more than thankful for that, because explaining what the hell Addison Montgomery-Shepherd of all people is doing here right now would have been too much for her right now. Her breathing returns to a somewhat healthy frequency, but her heart rate still very much counts as tachycardia.

Addison retreats further towards the door.

"Sorry... uhm, I should probably...", she mumbles gesturing behind her with her thumb over her shoulder.

Alarmed, Meredith steps forward. "You're not going to drive, are you?", she asks, louder than intended.

Still walking backwards on wobbly legs the redhead shakes her head no. "Took a cab here, planning to take one back...", she explains.

They stare at each other for one more moment, before Addison turns around on her heel and all, but runs towards the door.

Right before the other woman disappears, Meredith hears her whisper "Good night, Meredith." Then she is gone.

Standing in the middle of the hallway of her house Meredith crosses her arms in front of her body, hugging herself. She suddenly feels exhausted. And cold. As though Addison had taken all the warmth with her, her fiery red hair the only source of heat in here.

What a stupid thought. Slowly Meredith directs her steps up the stairs and towards her bedroom door to get some sleep. This would all make sense in the morning, she would untangle this new mess and her heart would feel much less raw and bruised.

This weird tingling sensation she had felt during her conversation with Addison would be gone in the morning and it would all be alright.

The last picture that she sees before she falls asleep is Addison, sitting across from her, looking at her intensely,  a single tear running down her cheek.

Chapter Text

The grass is wet underneath Addison's feet from the spray like drizzle that is Seattle's signature weather. Her hair sticks to her forehead and her cheeks while she is making her way over to Derek's trailer.

It's late, but the lantern on the small wooden porch is on casting a soft orange glow over the scenery. Maybe he is up waiting for her. Not that he would be desperately anticipating her or anything, but surely her absence didn't go completely unnoticed, right?

She wonders how he will react to the news, if this is the right time to tell him that they are in fact over. Forever.

For only a split second she had considered waiting until tomorrow at least to talk to her soon to be ex-husband. A jittery energy, an undeniable urge to finally act has taken over though making Addison absolutely unable to wait. Now, she has to get the words out of her right the fuck now, otherwise she won't ever be able to say them. Say them the way she wants to, put them out there between her and Derek to finally make it real.

So she had made her concerned, slightly hesitant cab driver stop here to get it over with. For that she had given him a nice tip, because it is always nice to have someone look out for you, even or especially if it's a stranger.

This is how Addison finds herself now in front of the trailer door in the middle of the night, a slight buzz still softening the edges of her vision. She feels brave and determined, the conversation with Meredith still very present inside her head.

The younger woman's words had lifted Addison up in an undescribable way, the kind, genuine things, the passion with which she'd uttered them makes her fully believe in herself and what she is about to do. It's the kind of confidence Addison had possessed in her younger years, she now realizes. A confidence, a deep faith in herself the woman was sure she'd lost along the way now resurfacing.

A confidence that makes her believe that she'll be fine. Maybe not immediately, maybe not even soon, but eventually. Even on her own, even if she's broken and imperfect and scared. She'll be fine, because she'll hold on. Because she is enough.

Maybe not enough for Derek, but for herself.

Meredith had made her believe that and right now the thought of her gives her the strength not to run away, not to turn around and chicken out.

It takes a while until Derek opens the door and briefly Addison wonders if he is at the hospital. With the small delay, the nerves kick in, but she stands her ground, feet rooted to the wooden patio.

And then he appears in the door frame, the perfect hair a little messy, eyes bleary from sleep.

"Addison? What - why?", he asks, confusion visible on his face. He wakes up more each passing second and rubs his eyes.
"Why didn't you just come in?"

Derek's voice has an annoyed edge to it and for a second Addison sees it inside her head. Herself just walking into the trailer, business as usual, getting ready for bed in the tiny bathroom space, then laying down next to Derek, snuggling close as the big spoon like always, ever since they first started dating.

It would have been so easy, letting herself fall back into that routine, doing all the things they had always done in their 11 years of being married.

But that is exactly the problem. Their routine. That is what had broken their necks. Settling, feeling comfortable, taking it all for granted.

And then they'd lost it, the spark they used to feel, the home they'd built inside each others hearts.

If Addison would give in to the scene in her mind, she'd end up watering dead plants.

What Addison was now about to do was hard. Breaking up, seperating herself from the one person she was once sure she'd spend her whole life with. Mourning the loss, feeling the heartbreak and then... slowly picking herself up to find out who she is without him.

This is the hard part. The sad, gut-wreching part, because however certain she might be, this is a point of no return. And it will hurt.

Because she still remembers the good times, the past in which they'd been friends who were lucky enough to also be in love. Because Derek is someone who always tries to do things the right way even if he sometimes fails.

This is an end for a good lovestory, she decides. A lovestory that might didn't last, broke some hearts along the way, but nonetheless a good lovestory.

Derek is an amazing guy, a man with principles, a big heart and an undying desire to help people. He's a knight in a fairytale. But he's not the hero in Addison's story. And Addison isn't the one in his.

For both their sakes she needs to do this. For the good part, the future they both want and - she is starting to believe it - deserve.

"I wanted to talk to you. I can't wait until the morning, I'm sorry, Derek.", Addison says, doing her best to sound as sober as possible so he will take her seriously.

"What is it, Addison? I have to go back to work in a few hours...", he retreats inside the trailer, expecting her to follow along, so she does.

He sits down on the bed while she remains standing.

"Derek, it's serious and I am sorry to attack you with it like this, but I really really couldn't wait."

He just stares, waiting, eyebrows raised.

This is even harder than Addison thought. Her tongue is sort of heavy, sticking to the roof of her mouth, the words tangling around it.

"Derek, I... I want a divorce.", she finally exclaims after a few deep breaths and she is proud that her voice doesn't quiver.

The words seem to only slowly seep into Derek's sleep deprived brain, so she just keeps talking.

"I am tired... tired of trying to fix something that isn't fixable. Trying to solve the unsolvable. I know you maybe think you want it to work, but... I know you, Derek. And I can see that you're unhappy. Our relationship, our marriage doesn't make you happy. It doesn't make me happy."

Saying it out loud breaks something inside Addison, but she isn't finished just yet.

"And while I love you, I really do, I am not in love with you. Not anymore. And I think you feel the same. So I want to end this,  before we break each other even more. We're not each others Happily Ever After... and that's okay, because I know what we had and no one can take that from us."

She takes a deep breath before ending her little speech.

"Let's end it before we overshadow the good we once had with the bad."

Derek sits on the bed and looks at her, mouth slightly agape.

"Look, I'm sorry to dump this all over you, but I wanted to say it, and... you deserve time to think about it and you don't have to say anything now."

Addison slowly steps back to give Derek as much physical space as possible.

After two whole minutes of silence Derek still hasn't moved. Still sits on the bed in his sleep shirt and boxers, his elbows on his knees. He looks at her, but she doesn't think he sees her.

"Derek... I will leave now, alright? We will... we will talk more in the morning. Good night."

When she is out on the damp lawn again and far enough away from the trailer she can't help but laugh a little. Not a happy laugh, more a relieved, sad one. It sounds a little frantic. Because yes, this is freeing, but it's also very frightening.

Deeply inhaling the cold night air she decides to walk a little before heading back into the city to find a hotel. She'll grab her most important belongings in the morning.

While she walks, hood pulled over her red hair she thinks about the way he not-reacted. What might happen now that her thoughts are out in the open.

Right now Addison can't really imagine her life without being married to Derek. Her life outside this relationship.

There'd been these few months they hadn't talked to one another. The months in which he'd met Meredith. Addison hadn't been alone in those months, but she'd also not been happy, not exactly.

Hell, she isn't happy right now either, just not so sad and frustrated anymore. The horizon doesn't seem so dark anymore, it's scattered with stars, little dots of light, possibilities and opportunities making her feel hopeful. Before she'd felt like swimming against a strong current, always just a little to weak to gain some ground.

Now it's more like floating, limbs outstretched, muscles relaxed and it doesn't matter where the water will take her, just that it carries her.

Taking a deep breath she takes a moment to gaze at the actual non-metaphorical sky which is absolutely dark, clouds concealing the stars and the moon, only a small brighter spot indicating where it's hidden.

Addison doesn't normally do wishes, but now she hopes for an invisible falling star behind those clouds. One that falls for her, one that might have some extraterrestrial power. Might be the alcohol.

Closing her eyes she whispers softly into the dark. "I want my own story."

Chapter Text

Meredith's gaze makes Addison shiver, her green eyes full of fiery, uncontained desire.

Goosebumps erupt on her arms underneath Meredith's featherlight touch. Her hands wander up Addison's forearms, over her shoulders and come to rest on both sides of her neck.

The space in between them is barely there, filled with crackling energy that's almost visible to the eye.

Meredith's nose brushes against Addison's own and slowly she closes her eyes. Frozen in place, in tense anticipation, she's waiting for the soft touch of their lips.

Equal parts scared and thrilled.

Then Addison feels warmth ghost over her mouth and -

Her alarm goes off.

What the actual fuck?

She bolts upright into a sitting position, limbs tangled in the sheets.

One hand slowly wanders toward her lips, she absolutely can't help it. Her face is red and hot underneath her fingers, her lips tingle.

The more Addison wakes up from her deep slumber the more details she stars to remember from her very... well, detailed dream.

It's unfortunate that Addison's always been one to remember her dreams, to be able to practically rewind them behind her closed eyelids. Such weird things, sleep, dreams. Scientist still haven't been able to exactly figure out why humans dream.

In this particular case, probably simply because Addison can absolutely not have a second to breathe.

She lets herself fall back against the fluffy pillow of the hotel bed and groans. Her body apparently starts to remember that she'd had alcohol last night and a piercing headache has taken up residence right behind her left eyebrow.

Taking one breath and then another Addison tries to sort through her messy thoughts.

The interaction in her dream had felt so real, she can almost still feel it... but why would she dream about... oh sweet motherfucking shit.

Groaning once again she rolls onto her stomach and buries her face in the pillows as though the resulting lack of vision would somehow maybe also erase the memories from last night.

Memories that start seeping into her brain in an unstoppable train of sober realization.

She'd broken up with Derek. Outright told him they were over in the middle of the night.

Feeling her cheeks flaming up and her gut wrenching in shame Addison buries herself even deeper into her feathery pillow.

What a holy fucking mess of a night it had been.

Because... no, she hadn't planned it this way, didn't want to break up with Derek like this, didn't want to dump all her feelings over him in such an unfiltered way... hence, the shame. The embarrassment she feels now about her drunken forwardness.

And yet.

Her neck starts to prickle and involuntarily her toes curl. It's kind of... thrilling. Scary to think about it now in her completely sober if a little hungover state of being. She'd done it. Not in a very glorious way, but she'd done it. Had let her drunk self do the dirty work for her, had gotten it over with.

She is technically a single woman now.

And all, because of...

Meredith.

Addison doesn't quite remember every single word that the intern had said to her last night, only how passionately she'd said them as if nothing was more important than Addison believing her.

She remembers how it had made her feel whole and confident and... okay.

Very slowly Addison removes her face from inside her emotional support pillow and sits up. Surprisingly earth has not yet stopped spinning, the sky has not yet fallen down and her hotel room has not spontaneously combusted.

Even though she'd definitely almost kissed her soon-to-be ex-husband's ex-girlfriend. Even though she'd apparently wanted to kiss her badly enough to dream about it.

No... it was just... Processing. Processing actual events in the form of weird, twisty, meaningless dreams.

Because she'd been drunk, she hadn't actually wanted to kiss anyone, it had been... a moment. In the heat of another whole moment. Yeah, that's more like it.

Addison rubs over her face with both hands willing the image from her dream away into a very far corner of her consciousness. No, she would absolutely not think about an intern like that. Especially this intern.

Even if Meredith wasn't who she is, there would be still the power imbalance, the fact that they were not only co-workers, but intern and attending.

Also, there isn't really anything to think about, because yes, they'd shared... whatever that was. But who was to say that it has to mean anything?

Plus she isn't even divorced yet.

If this isn't enough to make a woman's head spin.

"No!", Addison exclaims loudly, almost startling herself with how hoarse her voice sounds.

She'd just... avoid Meredith. Dr. Grey. Be professionally distant.

With that plan in mind she manages to get out of bed and ready for work.

Calling in sick would have been a very appealing option if she hadn't left early already the previous day. Her patients would definitely need her.

Also, she'd have to face Derek eventually, listen to what he'd have to say about breaking up and getting a divorce.

Before she even realizes she parks in front of the clinic, the building looming over the parking lot making her feel small and vulnerable.

Trying to grasp onto the feeling of last night, the confidence, the bravery and determination, Addison gets out of the safe space that is her car.

She's a fucking grown ass woman, one hell of a surgeon. She can absolutely do this, can absolutely not fucking care what other people think.

Taking one last deep breath she steps inside the foyer.

-

Meredith is one annoying beep away from throwing her alarm clock against the wall.
Her head hurts, her mouth's dry like Sahara desert and so far she can't really decide if she feels hungry or like she's about to throw up.

Hangovers aren't new to her though, high school and college have thoroughly trained her for this so she knows a slice of dry toast and a very milky coffee will make her feel better.

As soon as she manages standing up that is. Which is proving to be somewhat of a challenge.

Groaning she rolls onto her side. God, she smells like dirty socks. Shower first or coffee? Shower, she decides and slowly sits up. Loud voices are audible outside in the hall and briefly Meredith wonders how in the world she had been able to sleep through this. Roommates are the worst idea anyone's ever had and since George started to date Callie he and Izzy are constantly arguing about everything and nothing.

It doesn't help her headache and doesn't really motivate her to get out of her bedroom either.

She has no choice though, if she wants to keep her job she has to shower and make herself look somewhat presentable so she shuffles groggily towards the door.

Instantly she is met with Izzy and George who were apparently just waiting for her to wake up and sort out their arguments as if she were their mother.

Izzy gets at her immediately.

"Meredith! Finally! We have to be ready in 20. And please tell George that I won't wash his fling's dessous!"

The blonde gives the man in question an angry side eye. With his big eyes and mop of messy hair he always reminds Meredith of a teddy bear. Today it would be a very annoyed one though.

"Tell Izzy that I never said she should! And don't call her that!", he all but yells which makes Meredith's eyeballs hurt.

She ignores her two roommates and walks right past them towards the bathroom door. They would have to resolve this themselves. Sometimes she really feels as though she is a mother of two instead of living with actual adults.

Plus, they would talk this out in their typical Izzy-George kind of conversation sooner or later. Their actual issue was always lurking underneath the surface, a different one than what they openly argued about.
Preferably early in the morning when Meredith felt gloriously shitty.

The water is just this side of scalding when Meredith finally hops into the shower. For a moment she only lets it wash over her standing completely still.

Silence at last and room to think.

A face appears behind her closed eyelids and she gasps a little.

Oh God.

Narrowly missing her left big toe she drops the shampoo bottle onto the wet shower floor with a loud clang.

Addison had been here last night. In her house, telling her about how she was going to break up with Derek for good.

That part Meredith remembers very clearly not having touched any alcohol by that point. But Addison had been at least tipsy already before even waltzing through her front door. Had she meant what she'd said? Was she really going to dump Derek? And did that even matter to her?

Frowning she tries to remember any details of their conversation.

Shots. They'd done shots. And toasts, they had toasted about everything and nothing, silly stuff. And then... Meredith sees the older woman sitting across from her. The image is clear as day, imprinted into her retinas. But other than that... nothing. Her memories are blurry and she can't remember anything in detail. It was as if she was trying to hold water in her hollow hands, the more she tries, the more slips away.

"Meredith! You done yet??!" Her messy thoughts are interrupted by noisy knocks on the bathroom door. She groans and turns off the shower, shoving her thoughts aside forcefully.

Later, Meredith thinks. Right now she has to get ready for work. Maybe seeing the redhead would clear up her foggy brain. That thought makes her throat tighten.

"You look terrible.", Cristina greets her in the interns locker room half an hour later.

"I look better than you.", Meredith answers with an eyeroll and secures her pager on the waistband of her blue hospital scrub pants.

"Impossible.", her friend retorts, pulling on her white coat while checking her reflection in the mirror.

Cristina looks well-rested and prepared, much unlike Meredith and she can't help being a little pissed about it. Cristina probably didn't have to deal with the drunk soon to be ex-wife of her ex-boyfriend yesterday and it shows.

"How's the vet?", her friend asks, pulling Meredith out of her self pity party.

"You're still seeing him?", George pipes up from behind his locker door.

The vet. Cute, funny, flirty Finn. The question is complicated. She wants to say yes, of course she is still seeing him, dating him. And it would be so easy since she's not not seeing him.

They grab coffee together, he visits her here at the hospital occasionally for lunch, they go out to dinner. And it's always... fine. They talk, laugh and Meredith does enjoy herself.

But never really more, it's always just that... fine. No butterflies, no desire, no tension. Hell, they hadn't even slept together yet. Maybe she's too twisty, too pre-damaged to be with someone like Finn. Yes, he had baggage as well, but he was still such an optimistic, sunny character. Traits which Meredith sadly can't call her own.

But saying any of this to her friends would be too much right now and she doesn't want them to look at her all worried or sympathetic or confused as to why she isn't able to just be happy. There is no plan for what to do about all of this yet anyways so Meredith decides to tell only a part of the truth.

"Yeah, he's alright. I'm still seeing him, yes, he's fine. We're... fine."

Cristina gives her a look and Meredith knows immediately that her words were not at all convincing and her friend would ask about it later on. Shit.

George simply nods and together they leave the locker room to get their assignments from Sydney as Bailey is still on maternity leave for a couple more weeks.

Sydney, happy and bubbly and way too energetic for this early hour as well as Meredith's headache, is waiting for them in front of the OR schedule.

"Good morning, good morning!!", she sing-songs making Meredith and Cristina exchange an annoyed look.

"So, let's see, let's see... Alex with Dr. Sloan and George, you go to the ER. Cristina with the Chief today, Izzy, you go with her." She gives Izzy who is still on probation a sympathetic smile. They all go their seperate ways, leaving Meredith behind.

"Oh and Meredith, you are with..."

Anyone, Meredith thinks, just not-

"... ah, here she is, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd." Sydyney points at the woman in question who shows up out of nowhere just this second.

She crosses her arms in front of her pink-clad chest and gives the younger resident a questioning look. "What about me?", she asks, raising an eyebrow.

"Nothing, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, just assigning my ducklings.", Sydney responds with a bright smile and that's when Addison notices Meredith's standing there as well.

Addison's glances at her briefly before redirecting her gaze at Sydney seemingly unsettled. "I have Dr. Karev.", she says simply and Meredith's heart sinks. Had she insulted Addison yesterday somehow? Or was this not about her?

"Apologies, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd..." Sydney shuffles through her ever present folders and papers, mumbling to herself.

"Oh right, yes, Dr. Bailey told me to switch up the ducklings... uh, interns." Under Addison' stern glare the younger doctor seems to curl inwards, refraining from using unprofessional terms. Meredith bites her lip to keep herself from smirking at that.

"...to, uhm, you know, break up any habits taking over."

Sighing deeply Addison pinches the bridge of her nose and nods.

"Alright, then, Grey it is.", she says sounding a little resigned. Stepping forward Meredith notices how tired the other woman looks, even more tired than herself. Dark circles underneath her eyes make them look even more blue than they normally are and her skin is worryingly pale.

In contrast to the pink scrubs Addison looks sick and Meredith sort of wants to go get her a cup of tea. A strange thought.

Sydney shuffles away leaving Meredith and Addison standing in the hallway alone.

Well, now or never, Meredith thinks and starts apologizing.

"Addison... look, I was very drunk yesterday and whatever I said or did... I'm sorry and..."

The intern stops rambling when Addison raises one hand, gesturing for her to be quiet.

"Let's not talk about that anymore, alright?"

She gives Meredith a smile that doesn't reach her eyes and turns around on her heel, indicating for Meredith to follow along.

That's when a pleasant familiar scent suddenly hits the younger woman's nose and she stops dead in her tracks. It's sweet and flowery with a hint of vanilla and suddenly an image appears inside Meredith's head, not a fuzzy, alcohol blurred one, but one with sharp, clear outlines that poke into the creases of her brain.

Pale, but slightly flushed cheeks, red hair and even redder lips and eyes, those swimming pool blue eyes only a fraction of an inch away from her face.

The exact same eyes that are now narrowed, staring at her in confusion, probably wondering why she'd stopped following.

"Are you okay, Dr. Grey?", Addison inquires frowning.

Meredith touches her own forehead remembering the tender way she had leaned in towards the woman now standing in front of her. Who taps her feet against the linoleum floor impatiently waiting for the younger woman.

Does she remember?, Meredith wonders anxiously, blushing. Her heart is suddenly racing and sweat forms at the nape of her neck.

Is that why she didn't want her assistance today? Is she embarrassed?

Or is it the fact that she showed up at Meredith's doorstep at all?

"Dr. Grey?", Addison repeats louder this time.

That pulls Meredith out of it and she nods hurriedly.

"Yes, of course, I'm sorry, Ad- ... Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd."

The redhead scutinizes her for a second, hands on her hips and then gives her intern a tight smile before turning back around to resume walking.

Maybe Addison's right and it's better for them not to talk about it anymore. And better for Meredith not to wonder about what the other woman might feel thinking about it.

Together they enter a patients room on the right and Meredith gasps a little in surprise when she sees Derek is standing right next to the woman in the hospital bed.

He's in his indigo scrubs, posture relaxed, but his slightly out of place hair and ashen face reveal the truth.

Looking up he sees the two women approach and his shoulders tense up just the tiniest bit. He passes the patients chart over to Meredith with the shadow of a smile.

She can't bring herself to return it.

"Good morning.", Derek says to them before turning back towards the patient. "These are Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd and Dr. Grey."

After saying hello, Meredith is to present the case.

"Janine Reid, 29. Pregnant 26+4 weeks with fraternal twins, boy and girl. The boy has a spina bifida diagnosed 20 weeks into an otherwise normally progressing pregnancy and is expected to have developmental delays after birth."

"But we are going to prevent that.", Addison stops her, smiling at the young patient gently in that calming way of hers.

"We are going to close up the defect in surgery. I make a tiny little cut, right here..." She points to Janine's pregnancy bump. "... performing the first half of a C-section, so Dr. Shepherd and I can operate on your baby boy. After we are done, we will put your baby back into the uterus and in about 10 weeks you'll have two healthy babies."

Janine looks at the three doctors with wide eyes and Meredith can absolutely not blame her. Prenatal surgery is a relatively new medical field and experienced doctors able to perform a procedure as just described are very rare.

"What about my girl?", Janine asks anxiously, her gaze darting from doctor to doctor. But Addison is prepared as always.

"There are risks, Janine. Contractions could occur leading to your twins being born prematurely. But that's very unlikely since we are monitoring both babies closely the whole time. If everything goes according to plan, your girl won't even know what's happening."

Janine takes in the new information.

"...and the boy will... he will be alright? They are still so small..."

Addison places her hand on top of the other woman's.

"They are. And we are cutting into the safest place they'll ever be in. I realize this must be very scary. But this is a now or never situation, Janine. If we don't do anything your son will likely not be able to walk, ever. Won't be able to control bladder or bowel. He'll need assistance all throughout his life."

The young patient smiles at her doctor sadly, seemingly making the decision.

"Then we have no choice, apparently... my husband, Jim, he is still working, could you maybe come back later and talk to him, too? He will have questions and... and..."

Meredith steps forward at that and right on cue, Addison says: "Dr. Grey here will answer any questions Jim or you might still have. She'll also explain the procedure in detail."

Meredith smiles encouragingly and nods.

Derek and Addison say their goodbyes to Janine, leaving Meredith behind.

"I'll take a blood sample now, if you don't mind, Janine, for the pre surgery labs, alright?", Meredith explains.

Janine stretches out her left arm for the intern to find a good vein.

"Dr. Grey?", she asks as Meredith disinfects the sensitive skin on the patients inner forearm. "Do you think this is the best for my babies?"

"Well... I'm just an intern, I can't really give medical advice like that just yet."

Knowing questions like these from patients Meredith is prepared to answer with this sentence. Though she is able to offer up comfort despite her lacking experience.

"But Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd is the best, Janine. She knows what she's doing. And if she thinks that the surgery is the best option, then personally I would listen to her."

And Meredith means that, she really does or she wouldn't say it.

In the beginning she'd tried hating Addison for being so goddamn perfectly skilled. For being a luminary in one of the most complicated medical fields. Now though Meredith is glad that the attending will be able to help this young mother and that she's giving her the opportunity to learn from her.

Finishing up the blood samples Meredith says goodbye to Janine.

"I'll be back as soon as Jim's here. I will tell the nurses to page me, okay?"

The patient smiles and nods, hands folded protectively over her belly as the doctor turns to leave as well.

-

"Addison?"

Derek looks at her with tired eyes, but he doesn't seem sour or annoyed. Their conversation from last night is playing out in her mind as she redirects her steps towards him and raises her eyebrows expectantly.

Seeing him only reassures her more that breaking up with him is the right decision.

There is finally quiet inside her head, no expectations of Derek, nothing she wishes for him to do or say, because finally she has detached herself from the illusion that he is still in love with her and their marriage can be saved.

Yes, she is kind of nervous to face him now after last night, but still, it's a great feeling to have a definite end, no blurred lines, no half answers.

"I'm... you know... thank you for saying what you said last night. Can we maybe eat lunch together to talk some more?"

That request surprises Addison, she would have expected it to take a while for them to get acquaintanced with the new situation before being able to talk it out some more.

Though Addison remembers very clearly how they used to be friends before falling in love all those years ago. Maybe there was something left from that? So talking and simply being with one another might be nice.

"Yes, alright. Let's go meet in the cafeteria before our surgery this afternoon."

He gives her a sincere smile and turns around to leave.

As Addison signs some patients charts at the nurses station she hears her name from a distance and turns around.

It's Meredith talking to their patient Janine about her and she steps closer to the door to listen in, just out of view.

"...the best, Janine. She knows what she's doing. And if she thinks that the surgery is the best option, then personally I would listen to her."

The sincerity in Meredith's words touches her and Addison smiles a little to herself.

She can't be sure if the intern remembers anything from the previous night, their conversation, Meredith's speech, their... moment. Her face turns hot at the thought of it.

Would Meredith pretend to have forgotten their encounter? Fuck, did Meredith feel uncomfortable around her now? She should have thought of that possibility.

Professionalism, she decides again.

Sighing deeply she steps away, waiting for Meredith to assign some more tasks to her, but not wanting to look as if she'd listened in. What she absolutely had done.

A second later the young intern walks out of the patient room while Addison tries to look as unobtrusive as possible. Which is unnecessary since Meredith isn't even looking in her direction.

"Grey?", she calls.

The blonde looks up and meets her eyes, walking over to where Addison is standing.

"Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd?"

"You will do rounds on my pre- and post surgerical patients. Mrs. Lark needs her drainage checked and you have to discharge my patients in 2125, 2132, and 2140. Meet me after you're done in the NICU and keep me updated."

Meredith nods and tries to jot it all down in a worn notepad. "Anything else?", she inquires while she writes.

"Yes. Prepare for the Reid babies surgery this afternoon. If you're doing alright, I'll let you close up the uterus incisition."

Her green eyes turn round like dinner plates. "Seriously?!"

Addison raises an eyebrow at that, not quite smiling, but close.

"I mean... of course, I'll be prepared. Thank you, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd.", Meredith hurriedly rephrases and rushes away.

Smiling softly to herself after Meredith's out of sight, Addison checks her to do list and gets on with her workload. There's a lot to be done before her lunch with Derek and she'll need to prepare for the surgery later as well. The technique is familiar, but she's never done it before on a woman pregnant with twins. Not as the leading surgeon at least. Better to get some reading done.

The morning is pretty busy though and she can't really catch a calm moment. First, a preemie at the NICU is trying to code several times and eventually needs to be connected to the ECMO which is done by Meredith surprisingly smoothly under Addison's guidance.

Then, right the moment she's trying to sit down she's called to the GYN ward, because a patient who's given birth an hour ago is heavily bleeding and they need some help by a surgical attending.

Before Addison even realizes it's time to meet Derek for lunch. Somehow she's excited. Not this nagging nervousness how they're going to interact that's been tormenting her since her arrival in Seattle, but rather positive excitement you feel before meeting a friend you haven't seen in a while.

She enters the cafeteria and searches for Derek's familiar face. They spot each other simultaneously and he waves her over towards a table by the windows.

"Hi, Derek.", she greets him with a cautious smile.

The other doctor returns the smile and Addison relaxes a little. Still no bad blood between them apparently. Gesturing for her to sit down he pushes a mug towards her, still smiling.

"Just a whiff of milk."

That statement makes Addison chuckle a little. "Correct.", she agrees and takes a sip.

For a moment neither of them speaks, both aware of the awkwardness and familiarity of the situation.

"So..." They say it at the same time and share a laugh, the uneasiness slowly dissipating.

"You go first.", Derek gestures for Addison to talk.

She takes a moment, trying to get her thoughts in order. "So I wanted to apologize.", she starts. While Derek frowns, she continues speaking. "Not for what I said, don't worry. I do want the divorce. I don't think there's a future for us as a couple. I just... the way I said it... I needed to get it out of my head, out of my mouth as quickly as possible. But I realize now that it was sort of an ambush, and I... want to apologize."

Derek nods along to her words, but he doesn't seem annoyed with her at all.

"Yeah... it sort of was an ambush.", he agrees. "Thank you for the apology, Addison, but it was unnecessary. I appreciate your self awareness, though I think you did it as best as you could and I get it. Sometimes you gotta rip off the bandaid."

Relieved, Addison gives him a genuine smile. "That's what it felt like, I guess."

She takes a deep breath, because there are still things she'd like to say to him, but he beats her to it this time.

"Thank you again, Addi." Hearing the nickname startles her a little, but she can't bring herself to be bugged, because it still is sort of his nickname for her and even though it's too intimate in a way, it's also a part of their history and theirs alone.

"I realize how this whole situation made both of us feel stressed and pressured and... frankly, unhappy. I felt obliged to forgive you for cheating on me and making things work was such a hardship I think, because we felt like we just had to... and now..." He trails off, seems overwhelmed, but he doesn't have to keep talking, because Addison knows exactly what he feels like.

"Yes... I know. The obligation to work things out pushed us further apart."

"It's paradoxical, I know, but now without all that obligation, I feel way more able to forgive you. Because I don't have to forgive you as my partner, but..."

"... as a friend?", she asks carefully, because that's what she'd wished for, if she's being honest. To slowly, over time, maybe form a new kind of bond, one that's different, but better.

Dark blue eyes sparkling with hope Derek shrugs, scratching his stubbly chin.

"Maybe.", he answers, voice soft. "What you said last night... to remember the good times without letting the bad ones overshadow the memories, that sounds good for now."

"Yeah...", Addison agrees. "It does."

They talk a bit about the paperwork and logistics a divorce requires to ease both their minds from the melancholy they both feel. Even if this is what they both want an end still feels heavy and a tad frightnening.

"I'm looking forward to our surgery this afternoon.", Derek says as they get ready to part ways.

"Me too.", Addison agrees without missing a beat and it's true.

She wonders briefly, if she should ask about him and Meredith, what he'll do now they're officially not together anymore. If he's going to pursue her right away and... if Meredith really doesn't want to be with him anymore. She hadn't been drunk when she'd said it last night, but still, Derek was no man who just simply gave up, if he was in love and still had hope.

And also, he was someone few women would turn down.

Addison decides it's not her business. That Meredith and Derek need to sort this out themselves without interference. It makes her stomach squirm a little to think about the two getting back together, but she assumes it's only natural to not exactly be thrilled when your ex-husband starts a serious relationship right after you broke up.

"See you in the OR.", he says while she stands up to get back to work and it feels so easy to repeat his words with a genuine smile that it almost scares her.

Chapter Text

The morning is pretty busy and Meredith barely has a second to take a few breaths.

Or to think about any weird energy between her and Addison.

Rounds on the attending's patients already take her longer than expected and while she is still busy with the charts there's an emergency call from the NICU.

When she arrives there slightly out of breath three nurses are already present, surrounding the way too small warming bed.

"What do we have?", Meredith asks stepping closer.

"Preemie, freshly out of the incubator, 7 days post surgery after being born with Fallot tetralogy. Went into respiratory distress and then cardiac arrest 20 seconds ago.", one of the nurses tells her, eyes fixated on the monitor, while the two others already start performing CPR.

Meredith gets to work immediately. "Page Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd right now, and Dr. Burke, too, if he's available."

Overseeing the nurses work, she orders medication and sends two of her fellow interns to get an ECMO ready, because she can't quite see any other option as it becomes increasingly clear that the meds don't show any effect.

Right when the ECMO equipment arrives in the patient room, Addison appears, face stern and worried.

"What happened?", she demands and Meredith tells her everything that's happened in as many details as possible while the team still works to keep the baby's vitals as stable as possible.

"Good work, Grey. Ever connected someone to an ECMO?"

"An adult, under supervision.", she answers quickly.

Addison orders her to get ready, gesturing for the intern to take the lead. Which she does. And surprisingly fast they get it done, the vitals slowly creeping up, heart rate and saturation further stabilizing.

Addison sighs deeply afterwards, checking the babies heart with her stethoscope.

"I want a full heart lab, ECG, heart ultrasound and a cardio consult asap."

"On it.", Meredith replies, already turning around to talk it all through with the nurses.

"Grey?"

The intern turns back around when Addison calls her name, eyebrows raised questioningly. Still a little high on adrenaline Meredith can't help, but smile a little at Addison.

Who raises her hand and... pats her on the shoulder?

"You did well. Kept calm. Uhm... good job."

Taken by surprise Meredith stares at the attending.

"Uh... yes, thank you, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. I'll just go now and... uh..."

She vaguely gestures towards the door and Addison nods understandingly. "Yes, of course, Dr. Grey. See you later."

Part of her is still occupied with that interaction when she leaves the room to take care of Addison's requests. The other woman's praise makes her feel proud of herself and Meredith realizes that she likes it a lot to be appreciated like that. Plus, they had worked together as a team pretty well.

Even though there'd been something. Something in Addison's eyes that hadn't been there before, a slight tone shift in her voice that Meredith can't quite categorize yet.

She can't think about it too much though, because the patients keep her busy.

The rest of the morining goes by in a blur and she regularly checks in with Addison about the preemie among other things.

Somehow the interactions are so pleasant, and easy that Meredith starts looking forward to those check-ins, simply because the attending is saying things like "thank you, Dr. Grey" or "good to hear, please continue to monitor this". She treats Meredith like an actual doctor, the intern realizes, like she is actually helpful. A lot of the other attending surgeons and head of departments rarely do so, not even with the residents let alone some intern.

By noon Meredith is in a pretty good mood which does not go unnoticed by Cristina, obviously, as they walk alongside each other in the general direction of the cafeteria.

"What has you all happy and smiling?", she asks as soon as she lays eyes on Meredith.

"Oh. I just had a nice morning. And I will be in the OR in the afternoon."

Cristina raises her eyebrow, interest increasing. "Something good?"

"Prenatal surgery on a baby with spina bifida. Twin pregnancy.", Meredith replies. "With Shepherd and Montgomery-Shepherd."

Cristina grimaces at that. "Good surgery. Bad combo.", she comments.

Meredith decides that now is a good time as ever to finally tell Cristina about the previous night. She's been dying to get her friend's opinion on all of it.

"She stopped by last night."

Cristina eyes her sideways. "Who did?"

"Addison. Said she needed to talk to me.", Meredith tells her. "Told me, she was going to break up with Derek."

It's a rare occasion to see Cristina Yang speechless.

"I know right??", Meredith asks rhetorically when she sees the other intern's expression, surprise bordering on shock.

"Why in the world would she do that?", Cristina asks when she finally regains her ability to form words.

Meredith shrugs. "It was honestly something. She told me she wanted to make sure I knew."

"That McDreamy's single again?"

"I don't know, if they've broken up yet..."

Not knowing, if she wants to tell Cristina more, she trails off.

Somehow Meredith doesn't want her blunt, realist friend to know about this moment she and Addison had shared last night. This mutual feeling of understanding and being seen. It feels breakable and delicate and Meredith doesn't think Cristina would get it. For what it's worth, she doesn't even get it herself.

"From the looks of it, they haven't.", Cristina says, pointing towards one corner of the cafeteria.

Following her friend's gesture with her eyes Meredith spots two people sitting together deeply immersed in conversation. Addison and Derek. The Shepherds. And it doesn't look at all like a couple that's breaking up. They're smiling and laughing with each other.

Suddenly Meredith feels sick and not like lunch at all. When she turns to Cristina to tell her exactly that the other woman's already turning around in the other direction.

"Wanna go eat in the hall?"

Meredith nods her head yes and with one last glance in Addison and Derek's direction they leave the cafeteria side by side. Glad that she doesn't have to explain herself, Meredith walks next to Cristina in silence.

How the hell was she even supposed to tell her fellow intern, who had witnessed the whole Addison-Derek-Meredith triangle story firsthand in all its messiness, that she didn't want to be with Derek? That it wasn't exactly her being jealous of Addison what made her feel sick?

It was... anger and annoyance. Betrayal, kind of. Because Addison had said one thing, but was doing the complete opposite. Because she was supposed to step back and not let some broken marriage stand in the way of her happiness. Because somehow, Meredith wanted to protect her from the ongoing heartbreak.
So why would Addison not do what she'd said?

Angry at both of them is what she is, explaining her inner turmoil absolutely impossible right now.

Thankful Meredith bumps Cristina's shoulder with her own while they're walking. Because somehow Cristina always knows what to do, without knowing or understanding a single thing.

They make their way to their favorite unused corridor and take a seat on one of the broken stretchers.

"How's working with the Chief?", Meredith asks as Cristina magically withdraws some snacks from her coat pocket and starts munching.

"Alright.", she says between bites. "Little bit like everything's a life lesson, he sounds like a damn fortune cookie sometimes."

Meredith grins a little; Cristina is absolutely on point with that.

"Burke?", she asks carefully then. Still a sensitive subject. As far as she knows the couple is really going through it right now.

Her friend just shrugs and Meredith waits for her to talk about it, if she wants to.

And eventually she does. "He's sulking. Not doing his physical therapy, barely doing anything at all, really. I practically live here, because I absolutely can't take it anymore."

Letting her head fall back to rest against the wall Cristina sighs deeply. "Big man child."

No matter what, Meredith will always take Cristina's side. Does she always agree with her friend? No. Not at all.

But that's not even the point. The point is no judgement. The point is to stick together, to be able to say anything, to fuck up and still have that one special someone to fall back on.

And the best part? They don't need words or explanations. Cristina doesn't have to make sure Meredith knows how much she cares about Burke and his well-being before complaining about him to her. She can simply talk and be understood.

After a moment of silence passes between them, Cristina lift her gaze and stares at Meredith.

"What about you, though?"

"What about me?", Meredith inquires, already having some idea what her friend is getting at.

"What about Dr. Dolittle now that McDreamy might be single soon? What are you going to do?"

Meredith snorts a little. "Dr. Dolittle? Really?"

Cristina just gives her one of her looks.

"Finn's fine. He's great, he's the right guy for me."

"Saying it over and over again doesn't make it true.", says Cristina.

"Spent too much time with Webber, have you?" Meredith sighs. "I don't know."

Cristina still chews on her chips, unimpressed. "You gonna break up with him? For McDreamy?", she asks.

"No, that would be a shitty thing to do. I don't want to hurt his feelings."

Trying to somehow clear up her thoughts Meredith shakes her head. "I just want a fucking break."

"Speaking of... you going to that prom thing tonight with Dr. Dolittle?", Cristina asks her then.

The prom thing. Meredith had almost forgotten that was today. It should've been weeks ago, the day Denny died.

They'd rescheduled it a few times due to Camille's health. They were doing the whole shtick for her so she needed to be at least somehwat fine.

And after Denny's passing Bailey and Webber had decided to give them a few weeks to properly recover. For Izzie to recover.

"I completely forgot about it.", Meredith admits, groaning.

"Well, seeing as Burke's better now, Bailey doesn't think I have an excuse anymore not to come, so you better be there. With or without McVet."

They all have to be there as it is a mandatory event and part of their punishment so it's really not Meredith's choice.

"Well... I better go, read up a little on the surgery." She stands up and stretches, waving goodbye at Cristina who answers: "Good luck with the McDreamys."

-

When Addison steps into the washing room, Meredith is already halfway done with sterilizing her hands, scrubbing them with the surgical soap.

"Dr. Grey.", she says. "Ready? Have you done some research?"

Meredith doesn't look at her when she responds. Which is odd, because normally Meredith is a person who keeps eye contact in conversation.

"Yes, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd."

Is she imagining things or did Meredith's voice sound sort of cool? Sort of... distant?
Something in her tone is different than the last time they have spoken this morning.

And somehow it affects her, Addison realizes. She minds. Can she address it though? Maybe it's all inside her head, the previous evening making her all self-conscious in front of Meredith.

Or maybe it's nerves, after all this is the intern's first prenatal surgery.

Through the window separating the washing room from the OR, Addison sees their patient being wheeled in on a stretcher.

So instead of saying something to Meredith she walks past her through the automatic door and approaches Janine who is laying on her back, looking around the room anxiously.

"Hi, Janine.", Addison says, smiling encouragingly at the young woman. "Are you alright? Ready?"

Up close she can see how nervous the patient is, chewing on her bottom lip, her hands folded protectively over her belly.  She sighs deeply before meeting the doctor's eyes.

"Yes, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, I'm ready."

There is determination in the patient's eyes, dedication fueled by the want to save her children. Addison can't help, but admire her for this special kind of bravery.

"Did Dr. Grey walk you and your husband through the process?", she inquires.

Janine nods yes. "She explained everything to us in detail, thank you." She looks past Addison and adds. "Jim and I are very grateful, he said to tell you that you helped us a lot to fully understand everything."

Turning around Addison realizes Meredith had silently walked up to them, now undoubtedly smiling at Janine behind her mask as her eyes crinkle at the corners and there is a friendly sparkle in them.

"You're very welcome.", Merdith answers.

The way Meredith cares for her patients makes Addison smile at her fondly.

It makes her chest warm up with pride of her student. Explaining difficult procedures to scared patients while maintaining professionalism and forming a connection with them despite it all is a particularly difficult part of being a good doctor. And obviously Meredith had absolutely aced that part in this case.

Giving Janine one last smile and an encouraging "See you afterwards." Addison turns around to start her hygiene routine.

While she fastens the mask around her neck and the back of her head she looks through the window again, seeing Meredith and Janine talking to one another.

Without sound, she has to fill in the blanks. It seems like the intern is quietly talking to the patient, who responds with small nods and nervous smiles. As the mask is placed over Janine's head, she briefly tenses up, but Meredith keeps talking to her until she relaxes and the anesthesia kicks in.

She's smiling secretly to herself behind her mask when on her left the door suddenly opens and Derek walks inside.

"Hi!", he says cheerfully.

Addison doesn't really know what to make of his obvious good mood. Yes, she feels the relief, the lightness as well.

Kind of like that feeling you get when you've been in a car for too long and can finally step out to stretch you limbs. Still, it also feels like the end of a really cool roadtrip, even though you were dying to finally get to your destination you'll still miss the feeling of being in the car together.

It's... a complicated pile of emotions and even though Addison knows it's not like that entirely, seeing him so happy about finally being rid of her feels a little shitty.

"You alright?", he asks her then, giving her a questioning look. Derek doesn't have to care about her anymore, Addison realizes. And yet he does.

"Yeah... it's just. Weird, isn't it?" She giggles nervously, not really knowing how to act.

He elbows her soap covered arm and grins widely. "That's not a bad thing!", he exclaims. "I think it's good. A good weird."

Addison can't help, but smile at his optimism. "Yes...", she agrees, a little less enthusiastic. Because even though he is right and it does feel good to talk with him like this and not be afraid of any awkwardness between them caused by relationship issues... even though she had made the decision to finally walk away.... it's complicated.

"A good weird.", she eventually says decidedly. Because it is. This is the right thing. Maybe it'll feel easier with some time.

Alongside each other they get ready before stepping into the OR, Derek behind Addison, ever the gentleman.

"Hello everybody!", he greets the OR staff. "It's a beautiful day to save lives."

Invisible to Derek behind her surgical mask Addison mouthes the words and smiles to herself before accidentally catching Meredith's eye who is waiting next to now intubated Janine.

Meredith is watching her intently, her half covered expression unreadable, eyes not giving anything away. It makes Addison uncomfortable, so she looks away after a second.

Shaking it off for now, focusing on the task at hand, the surgery, Addison steps forward.

"Scalpel, please.", she says and the scrub nurse hands it over. Derek walks up to the table on the other side, Meredith beside him.

It goes very smoothly, her hands working together with Derek's as though on autopilot. They're still a good team.

Throughout they go back and forth between small talk, medical talk and questions to quiz Meredith on her knowledge.

And all the while Meredith is everywhere at once, supporting every single move Addison makes, anticipating each cut.

"Good job, Dr. Grey.", she says, right before the most difficult part begins.

"Thanks, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd.", the intern answers, eyes fixated on the surgical field with seemingly unfaltering concentration.

Carefully, Addison manages to retrieve the boy from inside the uterus and clips a monitor to his way too tiny hand.

"All right.", Addison says softly, not wanting any loud noises to startle the unborn boy. "That's it for me, for now. Dr. Shepherd?"

She makes room for Derek who's walking around the table now to stand next to her for better access.

"Okay, Dr. Grey, I need a little more retraction. Scalpel, please."

-

The whole thing is nothing, but torture and Meredith doesn't recall ever feeling this uncomfortable in her life.

Addison and Derek work together as though reading each other's minds, making relaxed small talk and Meredith has absolutely no idea what is going on anymore.

Several different scenarios flicker through her brain even though Meredith did not ask for any of them.

Had Addison tried to break up and somehow caused them to talk it all through so that they were now happier than ever?

Had Addison simply made fun of Meredith?

Had she been shit faced enough to forget about wanting to break up with Derek?

The only thing getting her through the surgery is concentrating on it as hard as possible, trying to do the best job she can.

"Okay everyone, let's say goodbye to this little one.", Addison says when the time comes to close up the uterus incision. "We will see him again in about 10 weeks."

Meredith can't help it, she lets out a little "wow".

"Yes, Dr. Grey. You're right. You know what this is? To touch a baby before its even been born?"

Their eyes meet.

"It's a privilige."

Meredith nods in understanding, seeing how important this piece of knowledge is to the other woman.

"So, you want to close up, or what, Dr. Grey?"

Nodding enthusiastically she steps forward to take the delicate instruments out of Addison's grasp. Their gloved fingers brush and Meredith hears herself gulp.

Fucking nerves. She can absolutely do this.

Even with the two Shepherds watching closely she can do this.

Once she's started it's almost like slipping into an old, well-worn sweater. Stitches Meredith can do, she's practically never done anything else in her life.

When it comes to the final knot Addison steps in though, reaching out, guiding her hands carefully. "Good job, Grey. Focus... yes, that's it!"

Inexplicably her heart picks up speed when Addison places her hands atop Meredith's own, but she manages to not let it show, finishing up without any issues.

"This was pretty cool.", Derek says afterwards in the washing room, awfully cheery still.

Addison rolls her eyes at him, but smiles. "Yes, thanks, Dr. Shepherd. Years of research, hard work and dedication for the sole reason to make you think it's pretty cool."

Derek laughs at that.

And Meredith stares straight ahead. Stares at her reflection in the glass window above the sink, trying to tune out the easy banter.

"So, Meredith... you going to prom tonight?", Derek asks then, turning in her direction.

"It's mandatory.", she replies. "Yes I am going."

"Are you bringing someone?", he wants to know, tone light and casual.

Why did he care? Standing right beside him was his shiny, beautiful wife who would definitely accompany him. Rude.

Turning towards Derek with her towel in hands she sees Addison's smile slowly dimming, a rather solemn expression taking over her features.

"Yes. I am bringing Finn, of course.", she answers then and smiles at the couple in front of her.

She doesn't want Addison to think she wants Derek back, wants to appear available to him or anything.

"I'll see you there, I assume?", Meredith asks politely, ignoring how Derek's eyes narrow ever so slightly at the mention of Finn's name.

Addison and Derek both mumble something affirmative before they all leave the washing room together to deliver the news about the successful surgery to Janine's waiting husband.

Jim is sitting in the waiting area, foot tapping against the floor in an anxious rhythm, shoulders tense. When he notices the doctors approaching him, he stands up, eyes wide.

"We were able to close up the defect and your son is still safe and sound inside your wife's belly. With his sister.", Addison says him the second they've reached him.

"Oh my God...", Jim mumbles, sinking back into his chair, legs apparently giving out due to his relief.

Derek gives him a pat on the shoulder.

"We have to run some tests in a couple of weeks, but as it looks now, he is going to be just fine."

Tears form in Jim's eyes and he's quickly trying to hide them by putting his face in his hands.

"Did you hear Dr. Shepherd?", Addison asks gently, her tone soft and warm. "From what we know... he will be alright!"

Crouching down in front of him, she takes one of his hands in hers, squeezing.

The young father-to-be nods, wiping at his eyes, a smile forming on his face beneath the tears.

"Yeah, I've heard him. These... these are happy tears, don't worry. But could you maybe say that again?", he asks, sobbing.

Addison smiles back at him, a bright teeth-showing smile that makes her eyes crinkle at the corners. "Gladly.", she answers. "From what we know right now, Jim, your twins will be absolutely fine."

After highlighting her words by giving Jim's hand another reassuring squeeze, Addison stands up again.

The interaction is short, but Addison's voice sounds so earnest, so considerate that Meredith almost feels like an intruder. She simply has a way with people, knows what they need to hear, how to comfort them. Meredith can't help, but wonder, if it's years of experience dealing with patients, especially parents-to-be, or if it's simply the way the doctor is.

"Dr. Grey here..." Meredith steps forward when Addison says her name, feeling a little startled. "...will accompany you to your wife's patient room now so you can be with her when she wakes up."

When she turns around to meet Meredith's eyes, her expression is still soft.

"She'll also monitor her and the babies post-surgery."

It's absolutely meant as an order, a task, but Meredith feels more like it's a way the attending shows her she's proven herself worthy. Worthy of watching over a patient that's clearly important to Addison.

With one last encouraging nod and smile Addison says goodbye to Jim and she and Derek disappear.

Jim slowly rises to his feet.

"This way." Meredith waits patiently for the young man to follow her towards the OB/GYN ward.

"Did you... did you see my son?", he asks after a moment of silent walking.

"I did.", Meredith smiles. "He had a pretty firm grip."

While Derek had been working on the unborn's spine, Addison had been closely monitoring his vitals and his tiny fingers had wrapped around her index in a death grip as she'd fastened the electrode to his miniature hand.

"He's beautiful, Jim.", she adds when Jim starts grinning to himself.

"Gosh, I can't wait to meet them.", he mutters to himself, once again rubbing over his face that is still slightly red from the crying he'd done previously.

They reach Janine's room, Jim following the intern inside hesitantly.

"We expect her to wake up soon, but it's tough to say when exactly. Each patient's different. You can sit and talk to her though, hold her hand."

Doing as he's told he smiles up at Meredith. "Thank you, Dr. Grey."

"You're welcome. The nurses will page me as soon as she wakes up.", she answers, waving goodbye at Jim and turning around to leave the room.

-

Two and a half hours later Addison's pager goes off while she is hunched over some files.

Seeing Meredith's name on her pager, her heart does something funny inside her chest, stopping for a beat before starting again at double speed. Maybe she should consult Dr. Burke soon.

It's just worry about Janine, she decides, taking off her reading glasses. But she can't deny her excitement to see the intern. To hear what she wants from her. Stupid, she scolds herself inside her head, hurrying towards Janine's room. They weren't friends, really, weren't anything.

Even though Addison could really use a friend right now.

"What is it, Dr. Grey?", Addison asks, the secondshe steps into the patient room.

The young doctor is standing on Janine's right, checking the I.V. fluids. Their patient seems fine, vitals normal, breathing even. She's fast asleep.

"Oh... hi. Um, she woke up. I thought I'd let you know. She's asked about the surgery. And asked Jim to get her a milk shake."

Meredith chuckles at that. "I think she just wanted him to feel helpful. She's fallen back asleep when he left a minute ago. I hope it's alright that I told her everything went as planned."

"CTGs?", Addison asks, stepping closer, inspecting the dressing that's covering the incision she'd made.

"All normal.", Meredith responds immediately.

"Good... well done, Meredith. Dr. Grey."

The younger woman's eyes flicker towards her and away again, apparently very interested in Janine's absolutely fine vitals displayed on the monitor.

"Yes. Sure, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd. Thank you."

I broke up with him!, Addison wants to scream. I did it, you can have him, if you want!

She'd said she didn't, Addison is aware, but the way Meredith had acted this whole day made her question it.

Remaining silent takes up her whole will power as she so desperatly wants to talk about this with literally anyone.

It would be unfair to do it with Meredith though. Unfair after last night, because clearly the young woman is still not really ready sorting through her feelings. And they're not friends. Addison owes her professional. So that's what she does, keeping professional.

After a moment of silence in which Addison jots down a few things into Janine's chart, Meredith turns to leave. "Uhm... see you at prom.", she says, waving a little awkwardly.

"See you at prom.", Addison agrees, after the other woman's long gone. Busying herself with the chart in her hands, she doesn't notice immediately that Janine has opened her eyes.

"That was... interesting.", she mumbles, startling her doctor.

"Hey, Janine! How are you? Any pain?"

Shaking her head groggily the patient sits up a little. "No... all fine.", she says after settling comfortably against her pillow with a bit of help from Addison.

Pressing her stethoscope against Janine's chest Addison raises an eyebrow.

"What?", she asks, confused.

"You and Dr. Grey. Are you fighting somehow?"

Nervous laughter bubbles up inside Addison's chest, tumbling out of her mouth. She almost drops her stethoscope trying to fumble it back around her neck.

"What...? No... what makes you think that?"

Now it's Janine's turn to raise an eyebrow. "The tension in this room was enough to wake me up, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd.", the young patient answers.

"Ah... well, you see..."

Jim picks exactly this moment to return from milkshake buying, a tray with no less that four cups in his hands. Addison could've kissed him.

"I didn't know what flavor you wanted since they didn't have banana. Sorry, honey... But! I have chocolate chip, strawberry, mango and... ugh, I forgot what this was." He takes a sip from one of the cups and scrunches up his face in disgust. "Yikes. Coconut."

Janine laughs at her husband. "Which decent ice cream shop has stuff like mango and coconut, but not banana?", she wonders, amused.

"I know, right?", Jim agrees, stepping closer. "Which one do you want?"

"Coconut, obviously."

He hands his wife the cup, kissing her forehead gently. "You're disgusting.", he says, his tone full of nothing, but love.

Addison has to look away. This genuine love between these two people makes her want to cry. It's been a while since she'd felt something even remotely close to this.

Jim turns to her, then, holding out his tray, now sporting three cups. "Do you want one of these, Dr.Montgomery-Shepherd?", he asks, still smiling.

Addison tries to push away her sudden feeling of loneliness and distress.

"Did you take a sip of these as well?", she wonders, making Jim and Janine laugh.

"No, I didn't, no worries.", Jim reassures her.

"Then... I'll have the chocolate chip one, if I may."

He hands it to her immediately. "Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd, you may anything after doing this for us, for our son. Even have the chocolate chip milkshake."

Smiling at him she takes the cup out of his hand. "Of course.", she says.

"I am on-call tonight. So, if anything's wrong I'll be here immediately, alright? Get some rest, Janine, and we'll see each other first thing in the morning."

"Have fun at prom night, Dr. Montgomery-Shepherd.", Janine winks at her.

Addison shakes her head at that.

"Right.", she says, smiling sarcastically.

After saying goodbye to the couple she leaves the OB/GYN ward to get ready for the night, giving some last instructions to the nurses.

Chapter Text

Teenagers. There are teenagers everywhere. Standing around in little groups chatting, sitting on the chairs brought to this floor from the cafeteria, slow-dancing awkwardly in the middle of the improvised dancefloor. Probably more teenagers than this hospital has ever seen during its entire existence.

Mixing with the crowd of teenagers are resident and attending surgeons, nurses of each and any speciality, interns, cafeteria and cleaning staff, maintenance workers, and a few teachers from Camille's school.

Addison is standing by the makeshift bar nursing a drink (non-alcoholic, of course),  watching the colorful mess in front of her with an absent look on her face.

"You remember your prom?", asks a voice beside her, startling her out of her spiraling thoughts.

Turning around Addison realizes it's Bailey standing beside her, wearing a teal cocktail dress instead of her usual light blue scrubs.

"I do. Vividly.", she answers, the nostalgia that she felt during her observations intensifying.

"Prom Queen?", Bailey wants to know making Addison snort into her drink.

"Yeah, right. I was a marching band nerd with braces and a bad lisp.", she says. "I had a date with Skippy Gold and we talked about Star Wars all night."

"Oboe.", Bailey says and Addison raises an eyebrow.

"Excuse me?"

"I played oboe in the school band.", she explains. Addison clinks her glass with Bailey's.

"Do you remember your prom?", she wants to know, making Bailey sigh audibly.

"Well... no. I didn't go. The boy I liked back in the day didn't ask me to the dance, so I stayed home." She grins to herself before adding :"If I remember correctly, I watched Star Wars instead."

"His loss.", Addison says. She can't imagine a version of Bailey who'd let a boy dictate her life decisions, but it sounds like the woman has achieved quite the character development regarding confidence and independence.

Just like herself.

"High school.", she says solemnly.

"High school.", Bailey agrees.

They share a knowing look before going back to quietly watching the party together, a silent camraderie between them now.

Addison strongly considers telling her about the divorce, just to be able to tell anyone. Would it be over the line? After all, Bailey had been helping her out yesterday, had already seen her in a very vulnerable position that she'd really like to forget. The woman already knew a lot. Telling her would officially blur the lines between being work buddies and actual friends. Did she want that?

Right this moment though Meredith appears on the staircase right across from Addison and Bailey, ending Addison's train of thought entirely.

Their energy had been weird enough for even a patient to catch it and seeing he intern now, she wants to clear up whatever is going on. During her preparations for the night she's thought about it and came to the conclusion that she'd simply need to bring more professionalism into their apparently strained work relationship. Addison had been the one to cross this particular line the previous day, so she'd have to be the one to get them back on track.

Maybe talk to her about a case or something without any awkward pauses or unsettling eye contact.

The intern is in a simple sleeveless black dress with a deep v-neckline that highlights her slim silhouette. Her hair is flowing over her shoulders in soft waves and she's not wearing any jewellery. She looks beautiful. And Dr. Dandridge who greets her with a smile and a kiss to the cheek matches perfectly, wearing a classic black tuxedo.

Together the couple descends the staircase and disappears into the crowd of prom goers.

Addison feels a twinge of jealousy looking at them. Jealousy at what they have and what she hasn't had in quite a while. It's absolutely obvious how enarmored Dr. Dandridge is with Meredith.

Refocusing her attention to her immediate surroundings, Addison notices Derek walking up to her and Bailey, a friendly smile on his face. He offers her his arm.

"Want to dance?", he asks, making her arch an eyebrow. Sensing her uneasiness, he adds, quieter this time: "As old friends who happen to know how to dance together well."

Sighing a little, Addison takes his arm and lets him lead her to the dancefloor. Over her shoulder, she throws a quick "See you later" Bailey's way who in turn raises her glass in their general direction.

When they reach the dancefloor it's pure muscle memory kicking in when Derek places one of his hands on Addison's back while his other hand grasps hers.

In turn she rests her left hand on his shoulder and together they start swaying to the rhythm of the slow song that's playing, their movements aligning perfectly.

"I'm sorry.", Derek says after a moment of silence. "I didn't want to make you uncomfortable or anything. Just thought we could... I don't know." He chuckles softly somewhere above her right ear.

"Didn't think we would spend more time together, once we've broken up, actually.", Addison answers, but there's no bite behind her ironic words. They'd see one another frequently in the hospital. So better bite the bullet now and start acting like old friends rather than an uncomfortable ex-couple. It's not like she has any other close friends around here, so might as well consider him one.

"Have you told anyone?", she asks.

"No.", he responds. "Not yet. You?"

Immediately she thinks of her night at Meredith's house. Did that count? A flush of hot shame mixed with guilt rushes up and into Addison's cheeks at the thought of telling Derek about that night. The things they'd both said about him, the things Meredith had said about her.

No, she would absolutely not tell him about this. And technically it doesn't count, she decides. Because when she'd told Meredith she was going to break up with Derek it was still ahead of her. A future thing.

"Not yet.", Addison finally answers.

Derek hums in understanding. It's a very personal matter, after all, not something you'd announce to the general public. Still, she wonders, why Derek hasn't said anything to Meredith just yet. Why he wouldn't go after her. Despite Dr. Dandridge clearly still being in the picture, Derek is someone who would let her know he'd also be an option, if he thought there might be a chance that she feels the same. He wouldn't give up without a fight, if he thought Meredith was faltering in her decision.

Even though they'd absolutely agreed to be friends Addison doesn't think it's quite her business, so she refrains from asking him about it. She'd simply feel more lonely hearing about his undying affection for the blonde. Secretly she wishes someone would feel that way about her.

Someday, she tells herself.

While they keep dancing together, Addison lets her eyes wander around the room. She sees Richard dancing with his niece, Camille, close-by. O'Malley with some dark-haired doctor she thinks is named Dr. Torres, and Yang talking to Burke by the buffet, his right arm secured in an orthopedic splint.

Briefly she wonders, if Meredith might have spoken to Yang about her. After all, they're inseperably close. Weirdly Addison hopes she might have.

Derek spins her around, making her chuckle softly. Leaning her chin against his shoulder, the touch so familiarly comforting, she takes in the new perspective. Now she can see the bar, Bailey still standing beside it, now in conversation with Dr. Karev, looking a little exasperated. Dr. Stevens stands next to them, apparently deep in thought, not really listening to what's being said.

These interns, Addison thinks. They really are quite something. In love with surgery, scalpels, medicine, passionately fighting tooth and nail to get their feet wet. And yet, despite having seen more interns than she'd like to admit, this particular group is somehow different. Skilled, and yet so stupid at the same time. Thinking too much and too little.

Grinning to herself Addison thinks about her own first year, back when she'd been an intern. Shy and clumsy and stupid.

She moves to ask Derek what he remembers about that time back in the day when they'd been baby surgeons, but stops dead when across the dancefloor she locks eyes with that one intern that's been occupying quite the space inside Addison's mind. Her question dies in her throat, her smile slowly fades.

Meredith's eyes widen a little when she realizes who Addison's dancing with and her movements still entirely. She takes a step back from Dr. Dandridge, smiling at him, saying something, before turning around and leaving the dancefloor, leaving the party altogether.

Shit, Addison thinks. Now she'd have to tell Meredith. Now it's absolutely obvious the woman still has feelings for Derek, so bringing together what's destinied to be together, is what she is going to do. Right now.

Addison takes a step back from Derek, removing her left hand from his shoulder and her right hand from his grasp.

"Thank you for the dance, Derek.", she says, meaning it. "I forgot I have to check on a patient, though. Sorry. See you later?"

He looks a little taken aback by the suddenness of her motions, but Addison doesn't wait for any verbal confirmation as she's already hurrying after Meredith.

Following her isn't as easy as she'd like in her tight cocktail dress, but she does her best to move as quickly as possible, seeing as the other woman is almost out of sight already, almost on the opposite end of the corridor.

"Grey!", Addison calls after her. "Meredith!"

"Leave me alone!", comes the answer, close to a cry.

Watching how Meredith dives into an examination room on the right, Addison tries to collect herself, brace herself for whatever might happen, if she is to follow further.

No, they're not friends and yes, she's probably the last person Meredith wants to see right now, but it's no use, she has to come clean, tell her what she needs to know. So hopefully they can go back to their work-relationship, no blurred lines, no muddy water, no tension.

Taking one last deep breath Addison steps into the room after the other woman.

Meredith stands on the opposite side of the room with her back to the door.

"Please, leave me alone.", she says, casting one quick glance over her shoulder, sounding defeated.

"I just have to tell you...", Addison starts to say, but is interrupted immediately as Meredith turns around in one swift motion, suddenly enraged.

"What else do you have to tell me? Haven't you already told me enough?! What does it even count for what you say, Addison?", she yells.

Completely taken by surprise, Addison can't respond, feels frozen in place, her mouth slightly agape. She had definitely expected Meredith to be not exactly happy to see her, but... where does all this come from?

"You told me... you said... why did you lie to me, why come to my house at all? To just mess with my head? What for?"

With shock Addison realizes that Meredith's eyes are starting to look suspiciously shiny. "What?", she manages to croak out.

"I saw you at lunch. And just now. You are still with him, happier than ever."

It's not a question, it's a statement and now Addison is certain what all of this is about like a light bulb flickering on inside her head. Meredith had trusted her word that she'd break up with Derek and after a good night's sleep and seeing them together today the intern must've realized she was still interested in him and wanted to be with him. She feels betrayed in her trust, Addison realizes, and jealous and angry and heartbroken on top of it. Doesn't take a genius to see why their energy had shifted in the afternoon, creating a tension and finally bringing Meredith to her breaking point now.

"Meredith..."

"Do you know that you even sound like him right now?", she asks, starting to pace back and forth. "This is so fucked up, do you even realize that? Probably not. Both of you, coming to me of all people to give your sad puppy dog eyes and be all sorry and condescending ..." She starts pacing, the words pouring out of her almost as fast as her steps. "... to just mess with me, who cares about the crappy little intern when the McDreamies are back to being... being fucking dreamy again?!"

"Meredith!", Addison finally yells, willing the blonde to stop spiraling.

"What?!", Meredith demands, turning towards Addison. Her face is slightly flushed, lips quivering and the expression is so vulnerable that Addison has to catch her breath for a second. All she wants to do is comfort the young woman in front of her who seems to be close to her absolute breaking point.

Stepping closer slowly she says: "I did break up with Derek. Last night. I went to his trailer right after I left your house."

Meredith only stares, so she continues, desperate for her to understand.

"I broke up with him. What you saw today was... I don't even know. Us, settling into our new normal? Being friends, maybe? I hope so. I'm not heartbroken over him or anything. If all, maybe a little over the time we shared, what we've lost. But..."

Even if Addison is sure of what she is going to say next, she can't bring herself to look at Meredith while saying it. It's too hard. So instead she stares at her own red painted toes.

"...I won't be in the way of you. I can see you feel a lot for him and maybe you didn't mean what you said last night. I can't blame you. So... uhm. If you want him, you could have him." She gulps audibly, the statement hanging in between them like a cloud of smoke. It's out there now, and out of her hands, the ball is in Meredith's court.

A pair of shoes appear in Addison's line of vision, black heels quietly stopping right in front of her own feet. She hadn't even heard Meredith move and didn't dare yet to look up, afraid of the expression she might see on the other woman's face. Relief maybe? Anger still?

"What?", Meredith asks again, but this time it's more like a whisper, barely audible.

Shaking her head, Addison crosses her arms, hugging herself, curling inward. She knows this, sometimes news have to be double delivered to be fully processed. But she doesn't know, if she can repeat her statement.

"I broke up with Derek and he is single and obviously in love with you, if you want him.", Addison says without taking one single breath, getting it all out in a rush.

The curiosity gets the better of her finally and Addison lifts up her gaze. Instantly she is met with Meredith's eyes, glossed over and shiny. There are tiny flecks of gold in them, Addison notices and immediately wonders when the other woman has come so close.

"Meredith... I...", she starts, but suddenly the woman in question takes a step forward, places both hands on Addison's neck and pulls her face towards her own. Their lips meet and on instinct Addison closes her eyes.

Meredith kisses her hard and urgently, one hand in her hair, the other on her cheek. There is no room to think about what it is that's happening, all Addison can do is feel. Feel her heart stutter and then beat at double speed, feel the soft fabric of Meredith's dress underneath her fingertips and most importantly feel Meredith's lips on her own, sending heat through her whole body, lightning her skin on fire.

When Meredith tilts her head slightly to slip her tongue into Addison's mouth, it makes her gasp and her hands tangle in the elegant waves cascading down Meredith's shoulders. She pulls her impossibly closer.

After what could have been a fraction of a second or an hour Meredith takes a step back suddenly, leaving Addison weak in the knees and wanting. The blonde's lips are kiss swollen, her hair messy and her eyes... ablaze.

It takes Addison a second to realize that the heavy breathing she hears is her own. Immediately she starts trying to calm herself down, but the moment is broken, common sense creeping back into her mind.

Slowly she touches her own lips, eyes still fixated on the woman in front of her. They feel sensitive under her fingers.

Away, she thinks. She needs to get away, clear her head, make it make some fucking sense. She needs room, calm. Her breath is still elevated, heart still racing, but the feeling is entirely different than before, panic slowly settling in, making her sweat.

Meredith looks like she is about to say something, but Addison can't hear her through the ringing in her ears. Turning on her heel she can feel the tears coming, so she rushes through the door she came in through and all but runs through the corridor.

She doesn't know where she is going exactly, the tears blinding her, but somehow she finds her way towards an empty restroom where she finally lets herself collapse in the corner of a stall, her sobs echoing loudly.

Chapter Text

Shock.

The insufficient blood flow to the tissues of the body.

A result of problems with the circulatory system.

Initial symptoms: weakness, elevated heart rate, sweating, anxiety, irregular breathing pattern.

Complications: Cardiac arrest.

Causes: severe bleeding, dehydration, sepsis.

Treatment: intravenous fluids, transfusions.

That is the medical definition of a shock and comes very close to what Meredith feels right now. Except the cause for her shock isn't an injury, sepsis or dehydration and doesn't need any medical attention. At least she thinks intravenous fluids or a transfusion wouldn't be able to help.

Unable to move, unable to catch her breath she stands rooted in place, eyes fixated on the door without really seeing it at all.

Seconds pass, turn into minutes and nothing happens.

Then, after what feels like hours, someone enters the room. They close the door behind themselves and step closer slowly. The footsteps are too heavy for a woman in heels. Too heavy to be the woman who just left.

"Hey.", Derek says in that raspy whisper way of his. There is no answer. She doesn't have any answers.

"You okay?", he asks, gently touching Meredith's shoulder.

The sensation rips Meredith out of her catatonic state and she lifts her gaze, instantly staring into Derek's familiar eyes.

Okay? What does that even mean?

And it's so easy, so very easy, like breathing. Leaning forward she starts kissing him, instead of talking. Starts shoving his tux jacket off his shoulders, instead of thinking. It's more of an instinct and less of a conscious decision.

For a second, she feels Derek hesitating, senses his surprise. But it doesn't last long and he kisses her back.

He kisses away the taste of Addison on her lips, unknowingly erases the feeling of her in her arms and Meredith lets it happen.

The stubble on his chin scratches her, his hands on her waist are sweaty and too big.
They push her dress up, her panties down.
It only lasts a few minutes.

After getting dressed in seperate corners of the room Derek stares at her. "What does this mean?", he inquires. Meredith doesn't answer. Doesn't even really hear him. Her ears are ringing and all she wants is to be left alone.

Sidestepping him, she leaves the room as quickly as she can, hoping that he doesn't follow.

-

The cold tiles against her bare back make Addison shiver. Her skin is hot and red spots have appeared all over her body from running or crying or both. Not even bothering to wipe her tears away anymore, they leave dark stains on her dress where they land.

The dress she carefully picked out this afternoon and that feels way too tight around her chest right now, her ragged breathing straining the material.

Loose strands of hair fall into her face and stick to her wet skin. With shaking hands Addison starts to pick at her updo that had taken a full hour and a half to construct.

After all that careful work it won't come down easily and in frustration Addison begins gripping her hair tighter, pulling at it harsher and before long she's almost pulling actual strands out of her scalp. It's painful and she's uncomfortable and it's all just too much.

Suddenly and very gently someone stops her frantic movements, captures her hands in theirs and removes them from where they're buried in her own hair.

They start undoing her hairstyle, detangling the mess she'd made. Gently, carefully.

After just a few short moments their work is done and they simply stroke over Addison's head soothingly. Maybe it's the presence of another person, maybe she's getting tired. But maybe it's also just the fact that she simply doesn't have any tears left to cry. Her tears stop falling and her breathing calms a little. Enough to actually comprehend what is happening right now. 

"Better?"

Biting her lip, Addison just nods. This is awkward. Her cheeks flush in embarrassment. Being found like this, in this state by a resident is... well, bizarre.

Callie Torres slowly stands and walks over to the sinks. She wets a paper towel and resumes to her position beside Addison, handing her the piece of paper.

"Wipe your face, your make-up is fucked up.", she says. Addison is grateful for the blunt talk. She would've hated babytalk, pity, sugarcoating. This way she knows that Torres doesn't see her as fragile.

"Sorry...", she says. "No one was supposed to find me like this." Addison's voice is hoarse and sounds foreign to her own ears.

Torres doesn't answer, just shrugs as if to say oh well.

Sniffling, Addison starts wiping her face, turning the paper into a colorful mess.

"You know... I've cried in most of the storage closets in this hospital and also a big number of bathrooms. Plus I've seen multiple other people do so... it's not uncommon."

In response Addison manages a weak smile. It does help a little, eases her damaged pride, that the young doctor tells her about these things, about herself.

"Last time I cried was... uh, let me think..."

"You don't have to tell me.", Addison interrupts quitely. "We don't really know one another after all."

Not wanting Torres to share something she isn't comfortable with, Addison tries to smile reassuringly at the other woman to let her know it's fine. It probably looks more like a grimace.

"Oh, you know, oversharing and wearing my heart on my sleeve is my way of getting closer to people.", Torres answers with a wink. She extends her hand. "Callie."

"Addison."

They share a handshake and Callie smiles warmly at her.

"So I have no idea what has you all... you know. And you don't have to tell me. In fact..." She stands. "I have a date to get back to. But if you ever wanna talk about it, I'm here."

And with that Callie turns around to exit the restroom, leaving Addison behind who does feel a bit better. Less alone.

After a few deep breaths she manages to get to her feet and on wobbly legs she is able to walk over to the sinks to check her reflection in the mirror. 

She's a little afraid to lift her gaze, expecting to see something she'd really rather not.

When she does look up Addison is glad she didn't simply go back to the party right away. The teenagers probably would've gotten nightmares.

Her tear-stained cheeks almost look like a map, the black and blue of her make-up creating a whole pattern on the red, swollen surface that is her face. Fucking modern art is what she looks like.

One woman is all it takes.

Addison doesn't really know why she reacted the way she did. Only that she did.

She hadn't even wanted to run away, hadn't really thought about it until she was already doing it, already halfway towards the door.

But why? Fear. A fear so massive, so vast and consuming it had erased everything else. Fear of... wanting. Fear of that burning desire that had been running through her veins only seconds before she'd shut down.

Because, looking at herself right now she could almost admit it.

She'd wanted her. Wanted Meredith's mouth on her own, her hands in her hair, their bodies pressed against one another. And God, how good it had felt to be wanted back. How well they had fit together, how right it all seemed.

Though a part of her must have known how wrong it actually was. Is.

Thinking about it makes the panic slowly creep back inside her chest. Because if Meredith does want her and she would want her back, what does it all mean? And what the hell is she supposed to do?

And... does she want her back? Like, for real? It's been a while since she's had an... attraction. A person she likes, someone she's dreamed of kissing. But if it's there, does that mean she should act on it?

It's too much. It's all just too much.

Groaning she splashes cold water in her face. No doubt that'll make matters worse, but hey, she hadn't planned on going back to the party anyways. The water cools her heated cheeks and for this moment right there Addison feels a little better.

Good enough to leave the bathroom and direct her steps towards the attending's lounge to thoroughly freshen up and change back into her scrubs.

The questions, the anxiety, the confusing thoughts, her dreams, it's all swirling around in her head, but she decides to push it down. Down and further down.

Addison can't afford to be some confused, anxious disaster, she needs to turn back into the remarkable, capable surgeon that she actually is and soon.

Walking down the hallways Addison hopes she won't meet anyone. She is neither ready nor presentable enough for any social encounter and for her liking the attendings lounge is located way too close to the party space. Too many people have seen her lose her shit in the past few days.

When she turns to walk down the last hallway where safety and a closed door are almost within her reach, another door flies open on her right.

Startled, Addison steps back and realizes it's exactly the examination room she'd fled from about 15 minutes ago. To her it almost seems like half a lifetime ago.

It's Meredith.

She stops dead in her tracks and they lock eyes. Addison doesn't know what Meredith sees exactly, but the woman's gaze seems broken, lost and sort of mirrors her own.

They should probably talk. Like adults. 

Someone else emerges behind Meredith in the doorframe. He is busy rearranging his shirt into his pants and his hands, his hair, even the shirt are so damn familiar it hurts Addison to look.

Okay. Maybe they actually don't have to talk. Ever again. That makes it sort of easier.

Addison nods, nods and can't stop. Her eyes are dry. She has no tears anymore, there aren't any tears left.

After another moment of silence she continues her walk down the hall and without looking back manages to finally get to her destination. To finally close the door behind her and breathe.