Archive of Our Own ^beta

CHARACTERS

GRIAN, reluctantly-appointed leader of the group

JIMMY, a straight man treated as the funny man

MARTYN, knows more than he lets on

PEARL, here to have fun

BIGB, goes with the flow

WATCHER(S), self-explanatory

GENERAL STORE GUY, who sells the goods!

THE RED KING, looking to recruit

RANCHER, sells the meats

BARTENDER 1 and BARTENDER 2, just tryna survive

TIME AND PLACE

From Missouri to Oregon, mid-1800s. Also, now, wherever and whenever the reader is reading.

1. EXT. THE BARN (BURNED DOWN) - MORNING

Curtains up on a dry, arid, hot, and orange desert. The sun shines mercilessly on a decrepit scene, blackened remains of what was once a barn with no animals. There are stacks of hay scattered to indicate the formerly farm-like scene; they are untouched. GRIAN, MARTYN, PEARL, BIGB, and JIMMY stand in front, facing away and into the distance. Not aware of the audience---but staring into them all the same. They all take one, singular breath.

MARTYN

(British-trying-to-be-Southern-American accent)

Ahh. Smell that Independence air.

GRIAN

Yep, smell it.

JIMMY

Breathing in deep.

PEARL

That's smoke, I'm pretty sure.

GRIAN

Now, someone tell me what's wrong here.

MARTYN

I think we're standing in front of it.

PEARL

The house that we burned down, yes?

BIGB

I don't know how anyone could miss that.

GRIAN

No, that's not it.

JIMMY

Is it... Not?

GRIAN

What is wrong here, my friends, is that we're not travelling on that

(gestures to the road, stage right)

 dusty trail right now.

JIMMY

What?

PEARL

That makes sense too.

JIMMY

Our house burned down!

MARTYN

I think what Grian's trying to say, Timmy, is that we're supposed to be getting the heck out of here.

BIGB

Yeah, keep up, Jimmy.

MARTYN

Doy.

JIMMY

Please stop doing that accent.

MARTYN

(dropping it)

If you say so.

PEARL

We might as well start looking for a replacement since someone bumped a lantern into a stack of hay while they weren't looking.

MARTYN

Wasn't that you?

PEARL

No.

BIGB

Can we go now?

MARTYN

Geez, impatient much?

PEARL

But where to?

GRIAN

Where else when you have nothing?

He points. The others follow his direction.

GRIAN

The general store. I propose we walk right in, buy ourselves a good wagon and ox, food and bullets, and start ourselves down...

Dramatic beat.

GRIAN

The Oregon Trail.

Horns blare triumphantly. Confetti pops. Fireworks light up Grian's face dramatically. Eagle. The works.

JIMMY

What the hell was that?

MARTYN

No yeah that was a little weird.

Grian leads a march down the road, scenery rolling along until a small general store comes into view. Grian opens the door.

2. INT. GENERAL STORE - MORNING

Ding-a-ling! The door opens into a quaint general store, stacked with rows and rows of miscallenea, from tomato soup cans to guns (located on the same shelf). The tasselled clerk---who is not a familiar face, and I'd like to emphasize that---brightens as the gang walks in.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Well howdy! What can I get you fine folks on this much finer day?

JIMMY

Aw thank y- hey.

GRIAN

We, my good sir, happen to be looking for a good enough wagon to carry us all the way to Oregon.

MARTYN

And a good enough ox to pull the good enough wagon.

GENERAL STORE GUY

We-he-he-ell! I do like myself customers who know what they want. If you'll just make your way over here, folks...

He leads them to a corner of the store, where a line of wagons are neatly crammed. Full-size, mind you, and they haven't left the building. They do vary in proportion, however, and wheel shape...

GENERAL STORE GUY

Ladies- lady, and gentlemen, I present to you the Independence General Store's very own Swaggon! Get yourself a Swaggon to keep your swag-in!

PEARL

Are those square wheels?

GRIAN

Sorry, what?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Yes indeed, ma'am, state-of-the-art technology guaranteed to improve your travel efficiency, and in doing so, your experience as well! Meticu- mebecu- meticulucately designed by our very own in-house engineer.

PEARL

Right. And who's your engineer?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Moi truly!

JIMMY

He knows Spanish?

PEARL

(very tickled)

Fantastic.

GRIAN

Surely that... Doesn't work?

GENERAL STORE GUY

You think so? Then if that's the case, sir, allow me to convince you further of our reliability. Have a look around at our selection. Over here we have a covered wagon, and over here we have an uncovered one, over here is our octagon wheel collection; eight sides means eight times the traction, you know, and over here...

Pearl and Grian, disturbed but intrigued, follow him deeper into the display. 

GENERAL STORE GUY

...this is our patented Wooden type, and over here is our Busty type.

GRIAN

(choking on a laugh)

Your what type?!

GENERAL STORE GUY

And you know what? Since you've all been so receptive to my pitch, I'd like to offer a deal!

MARTYN

Oh, well, that was easy.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Oh, don't call me that now! I'm simply a generous soul who recognize souls in desperate need.

JIMMY

I wouldn't say desperate-

GRIAN

What kind of deal?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Listen carefully now:

(rapidly)

For eighty bucks I'll give you guys any of these fine Swaggons here of your choosing, throw in a yoke, harness, and a box of redstone, and for an extra ten bucks I'll throw in an ox for free!

JIMMY

Excuse me, what?

GRIAN

(simultaneous)

What?

GENERAL STORE GUY

What?

GRIAN

That wasn't a deal at all!

MARTYN

You just told us the normal price for a wagon and the parts it's supposed to come with.

PEARL

And then told us that an ox cost ten bucks.

GRIAN

And what would we need redstone for?!

GENERAL STORE GUY

Come on now, folks, this is a bargain! Only ninety bucks for a complete set!

BIGB

I dunno, ninety bucks is quite a lot.

MARTYN

Yeah, that's what, 60 pounds?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Oh, I wouldn't know what it is in that fancy Bri'ish currency of yours. Listen now, do you really want to be walking on that trail, vulnerable to the whims of nature? Where you can be eaten alive?! Coyotes, snakes, cacti... rain and snow...

(tone suddenly darkening)

...and who knows what else is out there?

(brightening again)

Oh, the tragedy that could befall you without a certified Swaggon to protect you!

JIMMY

Come on, this is a complete waste of time. Why don't we just take the bus?

GRIAN

The what?

JIMMY

The bus.

GRIAN

The what?

JIMMY

The bus!

BIGB

Jimmy, literally no one knows what you're talking about right now.

MARTYN

Do you mean the omnibus, Tim? You can't be making up slang now.

JIMMY

I feel like I'm going insane.

PEARL

To be fair, gang, I don't think we have much of a choice. I don't see any other wagon salesmen around here.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Eeeexactly. I'm your bestest bet this side of the river. Won't find any other quality wagons anywhere.

GRIAN

Because there aren't any wagons anywhere.

MARTYN

Much less quality ones.

PEARL

And these Swaggons aren't that bad! Fine workmanship right here!

To empasize, she pats one. Something breaks. They don't see what breaks, but it breaks. Her smile turns strained.

PEARL

 Grian... Come on. Eight sides for eight times the traction!

JIMMY

That does sound pretty good.

GRIAN

That is not how that works.

PEARL

Do we want to get out of here or not?

The gang share a look.

GRIAN

...fine. We'll take that one.

He gestures vaguely. It is unclear which one he's referring to. General Store Guy, nonetheless, lights up.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Geez, lady, if you weren't heading out west I'd ask to hire you right here and now!

PEARL

You're welcome.

GRIAN

Just add a box of canned beans and we'll call it a deal.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Now now, a box of beans is fifteen buckaroonies, my guy, you can't just ask me to give that away!

Grian groans.

3. EXT. GENERAL STORE - MID-AFTERNOON

BigB, Jimmy, and Martyn leave the store and wait outside.

MARTYN

Well, we'll leave them to that then.

BIGB

I always say, never haggle too early in the morning.

JIMMY

You always say that?

BIGB

Yeah.

MARTYN

Learned from experience, did ya, B?

BIGB

Hey now.

The Red King enters, an intimidating mysterious presence that hilariously jars the Midwestern vibe. He dons royal garb, including a heavy cape and a heavier golden crown. Specks of blood decorate his attire. Most noticeably, he wears sunglasses.

RED KING

Greetings, fellow countrymen.

Beat.

MARTYN

Hello.

(jokingly)

My liege.

BIGB

Woah dude, you look intense. Are you- are you from a play or something? You a Shakespeare actor?

RED KING

One can say that I am an acter. I believe it is in my nature to act on what I want most.

BIGB

You know what, I respect it.

RED KING

(genuine)

Thank you!

(voice deepening)

Now... What experience do ye have as... Fighters?

MARTYN

I sparred a bit in school. Never really got much out of my education other than that.

BIGB

I'm very good at avoiding conflict.

JIMMY

BigB, just last week you tried gaslighting the neighbors into thinking we were digging a hole to China in the yard.

BIGB

And then our barn burned down. They'll never find out.

RED KING

Ah, a trickster, very useful. And you...?

JIMMY

Who, me? I think I could hold my own.

MARTYN

I could fold you in half, Tim.

JIMMY

Could not!

RED KING

Excellent, excellent... For the most part. Could you defend yourself or others against bandits? Coyotes? Cacti?

MARTYN

Do you need defending against cacti?

BIGB

We've faced worse.

MARTYN

Oh yeah, for sure.

JIMMY

H- have we?

MARTYN

We can defend ourselves against threats just fine. I've won one of these, you know.

BIGB

Yeah, yeah, keep bragging.

MARTYN

I'm just saying.

JIMMY

Won what?

RED KING

That's very good to hear. Now, how do you feel about serving a king?

JIMMY

A king?

MARTYN

Quite a jump, there. What kind of a king? Is this like, for LARPing or-

RED KING

A Red King, if you will. Defend his crops, his wares, with your life. Become one... Of the Red Army.

BIGB

Ooh, sounds cool.

Martyn doesn't answer, only studies the Red King.

JIMMY

I mean, with our lives? I dunno about that. Sounds dangerous. I don't even know you, man.

RED KING

Duly noted.

(to Martyn and BigB)

You two… I believe you would do very well.

MARTYN

Thank you?

JIMMY

Hold on, what about me?

RED KING

Your… vibe is not right for what I’m looking for.

JIMMY

What does that mean? Is it cuz I said I wouldn't die for you?

RED KING

If you lads are interested in joining my army… please, seek me out. I will not be far.

MARTYN

Right… and what’s that mean? Are you stalking us?

RED KING

…no.

(he turns away before any of them respond)

I will see you… when the time is right. The Red Winter… it calls for you… my Red Army.

And with a flourish, he exits. An uncomfortable silence ensues.

BIGB

That was weird.

JIMMY

Yeah, what's he doin' here with such a thick accent? What was that, Scottish?

MARTYN

I don't even think that's his actual accent. Sounded more South African to me.

JIMMY

What? South African? Do you even know what a South African accent sounds like?

MARTYN

Well you wouldn't know, Tim.

JIMMY

No, but you shouldn't either? Do you know of a South Africa?

MARTYN

...I'm sure Africa has a south.

Grian and Pearl enter.

PEARL

Gang, we got it.

They gesture as General Store Guy emerges with their new Swaggon, a medium-sized dark oak body rolled out onto the road in front of the store. Fanfare.

MARTYN

Wait, where's the ox?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Ah yes, the ox. Just one moment, my good man.

He disappears and reemerges with a cow.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Ta-da!

Silence.

GRIAN

...we're supposed to travel with that?

GENERAL STORE GUY

To be fair, it's free.

JIMMY

That's a cow!!

GENERAL STORE GUY

Cow, schmow, point is it's got the same body as an ox and the same amount of strength!

GRIAN

...you do know there is a reason people traditionally use oxen to pull wagons and not cows?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Not a clue.

JIMMY

How are we even supposed to get it to go?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Ah, well, that there is the only catch with this purchase.

GRIAN

The only catch?

GENERAL STORE GUY

To get it to move, someone has to stand in front of it with a handful of wheat and slowly cox it forward.

PEARL

Slowly what?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Cox it forward.

MARTYN

Somebody has to walk in front of it?! That- that kind of defeats the whole purpose, doesn't it?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Not necessarily.

MARTYN

(laughing)

Yes it does!

GENERAL STORE GUY

(glancing at a nonexistent wristwatch)

Whoops, looks like we're a bit busy right now, afraid I can't help you any further. Goodbye friends, safe travels, send postcards! Goodbyeee!

He slams the shop door behind him.

GRIAN

I can't believe this. I can't believe this! We're stuck with a cow!

BIGB

And a Swaggon with eight-sided wheels.

GRIAN

And a Swaggon with- WHAT! Pearl, I thought we got the one with normal wheels!

PEARL

There were none with normal wheels, Grian.

GRIAN

Oh my god...

PEARL

I wonder why that is. It's not like it would've cost anything to smooth it out.

GRIAN

Maybe it's because he's insane and incompetent.

PEARL

Not that incompetent if he managed to sell us a Swaggon.

GRIAN

You helped him!

PEARL

My point proven. He's just so charming!

BIGB

Are we heading off now, now that we've got the wagon.

PEARL

Hold on just a moment. Who's gonna lead the cow?

JIMMY

Surely we take turns.

MARTYN

Good idea. I vote Jimmy goes first.

JIMMY

What? No!

PEARL

I second that.

Everyone but Jimmy mutters in agreement.

JIMMY

Oh for goodness' sake... Do I got to yoke it up as well??

GRIAN

'course, Tim, you're on cow duty now.

JIMMY

This better be temporary or I swear, y'all are getting it.

GRIAN

Enough dilly-dallying! Everyone in the wagon!

The gang take their positions: Grian in the driver's seat, Jimmy grumpily yoking up the cow and moving in front of it, and the rest hopping in the back.

GRIAN

Are we ready?

JIMMY

I guess.

PEARL

Let's get rolling!

The Swaggon (and Jimmy) starts to move steadily...

4. EXT. THE OREGON TRAIL - MOMENTS LATER

The scenery rolls along. The Swaggon comes into view. Grian steers the cow, Pearl sitting beside him. Martyn and BigB sit in the wagon itself. And Jimmy sullenly guides the cow. Suddenly dozens upon dozens of people flood the sidewalks, wearing period-accurate clothes, waving hankies and tearfully bidding goodbye to the departing party. It's a whole parade, a loud band playing amidst sobs and cheers.

CROWD

Goodbye! Goodbye! Hope you have a marvelous cracking time! May the Lord God protect you! Adieu! Adieu!!

JIMMY

...wait. Grian.

GRIAN

What, Timmy.

JIMMY

What are we doing here?

GRIAN

We're looking for a new life, haven't you been listening?

JIMMY

No no, it's not that---I mean it kind of is, but-

GRIAN

Too late. Off we go!

And they ride off, onto...

5. EXT. THE OREGON TRAIL - CONTINUOUS

MARTYN

Ooh, it completed the sentence there.

PEARL

Shh. It's nighttime. BigB's snoozin' in the back.

MARTYN

I'm well aware, I'm right in earshot of his snoring.

The sky turns from day to night, day to night, blue to black, to orange to a weird green? Then normal day-night cycle once again.

BIGB

Guys? I think the sky is broken.

MARTYN

Just a lighting malfunction, don't worry.

PEARL

(looking behind)

Ooh, there's a wolf following us.

MARTYN

Is there?

BIGB

That's not good.

GRIAN

Can we speed up, Jim?

JIMMY

I'm trying!

MARTYN

Huh, I didn't know there were wolves around here.

BIGB

Me neither.

PEARL

The landscape looks awfully painted.

More days and nights pass... Until...

6. EXT. THE OREGON TRAIL - NIGHT

GRIAN

Oh my god.

JIMMY

What?

GRIAN

Oh my goddddd.

JIMMY

What?

GRIAN

I'm so bored!

JIMMY

...excuse me?? It's been one minute!

BIGB

Then why'd the sky do that...

JIMMY

You're the one who wanted us to go on this trip in the first place!

GRIAN

I never said it was a good idea.

JIMMY

You acted like it was! I don't believe this.

GRIAN

(overlapping)

And now I'm bored out of my mind. You should have stopped me.

JIMMY

You are somethin' else.

GRIAN

And none of you stopped me, so...

PEARL

You're saying it's our fault?

MARTYN

Says Miss "Employee of the Month and I don't even work here".

PEARL

I was just trying to be supportive! He seemed so hyped up to go on this road trip.

JIMMY

That's what I'm saying.

MARTYN

Really, couldn't we have gone to New York or something?

GRIAN

But Oregon's where opportunity is...

MARTYN

There you go, he's back to defending it.

PEARL

Why is that, even?

JIMMY

Is it too late to, like, turn around and go back?

PEARL

But we've come all this way!

JIMMY

Surely we're not even halfway!

MARTYN

You just want to stop leading the cow.

JIMMY

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHY I'M STILL LEADING IT! Weren't we supposed to take turns?!

GRIAN

Mm, don't remember that agreement.

BIGB

Yeah me neither.

GRIAN

Listen, why don't we-

A creak. A shudder throughout the wooden frame. Suddenly the wagon violently but mechanically collapses, stops.

GRIAN

-break down? Yeah why don't we do that?

JIMMY

You're joking.

Grian hops down and inspects.

PEARL

What's going on?

GRIAN

Well, it looks like our wagon has broken down.

JIMMY

Well yeah, we can see that.

GRIAN

Shush, Jimmy.

He inspects it further.

GRIAN

Yep.

He looks up, exasperated.

GRIAN

The wheels fell off.

JIMMY

The wheels what?

PEARL

(too delighted)

Oh! So we're stranded!

GRIAN

I can't believe- we really got scammed!

MARTYN

At least you won't be bored anymore. Now you have something to work on.

GRIAN

(whine)

But I don't want to work on this.

BIGB

You're team leader, you have to.

GRIAN

When did we ever decide on that?

MARTYN

Hey, you point, we follow. That's just how it is.

GRIAN

Ugh, fine. But some of you need to go out and get food.

PEARL

Food?

MARTYN

Are you telling me we didn't bring food?

GRIAN

Nothing looked... real in the store. There wasn't really much that looked like food, so... I didn't buy any.

BIGB

Oh my goodness... We're gonna starve to death. We're actually gonna starve to death.

MARTYN

We're going to have to, what, go hunting?

Grian's already on the front wheel.

GRIAN

What a marvelous idea! You guys go hunting.

JIMMY

Excu-

PEARL

Will do, chief.

Pearl pulls out a shotgun from the back.

JIMMY

We have a shotgun??????

PEARL

Yeah, got it from the general store. B, Martyn, you're with me.

JIMMY

What, you don't want me to go?

PEARL

Do you want to go?

JIMMY

Yeah! Better than staying with him.

He gestures to Grian.

PEARL

I don't know if you'll be able to keep it together in the wilderness. No offense.

JIMMY

Plenty of offense!

MARTYN

You can just stay here and guard the ox-cow, Tim.

JIMMY

No, I'm goin' with you. You can stay here, Martyn.

GRIAN

Come on guys, don't leave me here with Timmy.

JIMMY

What! O-kay, listen 'ere, we've been friends for years, you can handle five more minutes.

PEARL

Might be back in an hour, realistically.

GRIAN

Torture.

JIMMY

You're torture.

PEARL

Well, I guess that's settled then. See ya Jimmy!

JIMMY

Sure thin- wait, no, hold on! I'm coming with you!

He runs towards the departing group.

BIGB

See you guys!

BigB, Pearl, and Jimmy exit. Martyn sighs and leans on the wagon.

MARTYN

Well, looks like it's just us sane ones here.

GRIAN

And thank goodness for that. Hand me the supplies, will you?

MARTYN

You're really gonna make me do this?

GRIAN

Yup.

7. EXT. THE GREAT OUTDOORS - MOMENTS LATER

The remaining three wander the wide plains, scouring the environment.

BIGB

So... What are we looking for here?

PEARL

Something that won't eat us first, preferably. Something big, and edible too.

JIMMY

So not that oak tree then.

PEARL

(quietly)

Or that wolf.

BIGB

I don't think there are any oak trees in the Midwest.

JIMMY

And how would you know that?

BIGB

I'm American, for one.

PEARL

Good ol' BigB, keepin' us grounded. That oak tree doesn't look real, anyway.

JIMMY

I swear, we are going to die out here before we find any food.

PEARL

Nahh, I mean, there's cacti isn't there? We can just take those.

JIMMY

Oh, good point.

BIGB

Yeah, I think I've seen people cook those.

PEARL

Alright then, it's decided.

She aims the shotgun.

JIMMY

Wh- what're you aiming the shotgun for????

BIGB

She's going to shoot it, duh.

PEARL

Yeah, duh, Timmy. We need to take it down. Sad, perhaps, but what can we do? Nature is brutal that way.

JIMMY

It's a plant.

Pearl nods solemnly.

PEARL

Which makes it all the more cruel. But the world is a cruel place.

Enter the RANCHER, a blonde spiky-haired man wearing a red jumpsuit. Don't look up if jumpsuits existed in the 1800s. He drags a lidded cart behind him, which is dripping.

RANCHER

Well well well!

Everyone turns to look at him, including Pearl, still holding up the shotgun.

RANCHER

WOAH WOAH WOAH!!!! I'm friendly, don't shoot!

PEARL

Whoops!

She lowers the shotgun.

PEARL

Sorry 'bout that, mate.

RANCHER

What an accent! Where're you from, ma'am?

PEARL

(proudly)

Australia.

RANCHER

And from so far away. What, are the rest of you from Down Beneath, too? Did you sail all the way over there just to come back here? Must've been a hard journey.

BIGB

Oh no, no, she's the only Australian. I'm from here. Jimmy's British.

RANCHER

Ah, a trail mix! Tell me, what're you folks doin' out here in the middle of nowhere? You look a little, uh, hungry.

BIGB

Starving.

PEARL

Didn't bring any food with us.

RANCHER

Didn't bring any food? On the Trail to Oregon?!

JIMMY

I know, it's absolutely absurd.

RANCHER

Indeed it is! Well, my friends, you're in luck. I happen to have some extra fresh meat from my ranch a-ready for the takin'.

PEARL

Is that so?

JIMMY

Why're you lugging meat around in the middle of the mesa?

RANCHER

Looking for solicitors, of course. Care to pick?

Pearl, BigB, and Jimmy look into the cart.

JIMMY

That is good meat.

PEARL

(admonishing)

Jimmy.

JIMMY

What?!

BIGB

That chicken looks good to me.

JIMMY

I feel like picking several would be beneficial?

RANCHER

Well, try not to be too greedy, of course, I got other potential customers to be thinking about.

JIMMY

Y'know, we had a farm ourselves.

RANCHER

Really? Whereabouts?

BIGB

In Independence.

RANCHER

Weird name for a town, but that's cool! Did you dabble in the meat industry as well?

PEARL

Well, we...

She trails off into silence.

PEARL

...We did farm stuff.

RANCHER

Vague! I like it! Maybe one day we could partner up. Share supplies, set up a co-ownership sort of thing. You're heading to Oregon, right? We could set up a branch or something together there. I think that's how farms work.

JIMMY

Yeah. That sounds nice. I kinda like the idea of that. 

(slips into his cowboy accent)

Pardner!

PEARL

(laughing)

Pardner?? Jimmy!

BIGB

Bit too forward there.

PEARL

Looks like you've got a very enthusiastic volunteer, Mr. Rancher!

RANCHER

Hey, I'm not opposed to it. What'd you say your name was again?

JIMMY

(flustered)

Jimmy.

RANCHER

(with feeling)

Jimmy.

A brief, but noticeable pause.

PEARL

And I'm Pearl. Just in case you were wondering too.

BIGB

Friends call me BigB.

RANCHER

And I'd certainly hope I'm a friend. Had your pick yet?

JIMMY

Uhm...

Snapping out of something, he looks back at the cart.

PEARL

I feel like three chickens and a chop of steak will do the trick?

RANCHER

Sure thing! Now lead the way!

JIMMY

Sorry, what?

RANCHER

Lead the way. Back to your wagon? So we can trade?

PEARL

Oh... I thought it was free.

RANCHER

Are you kidding? Listen, you're nice guys, but a man's got to eat, which is very difficult to do if he's giving away food.

JIMMY

Uh, the thing is, we kinda don't really got... Any supplies...

RANCHER

You don't?

PEARL

I mean, the lack of food musta given it away.

RANCHER

Surely you have something.

PEARL

We might do... But we definitely have to check.

RANCHER

On we go, then! Let's see your humble abode on the road. See what I did there? I rhymed.

JIMMY

Oh yeah! Clever.

BIGB

Eh.

PEARL

Stop acting desperate, Jimmy.

BIGB

(over Jimmy's spluttering)

Do we remember which direction we came from?

They exit. After a beat, a wolf enters and trundles after them, exiting the same way.

8. EXT. THE OREGON TRAIL

Grian is working on the back wheel, grunting and struggling. Martyn sits on the back of the wagon, fiddling with a watch.

MARTYN

Take a rest, mate, you'll be breaking your fingers before you fix anything.

GRIAN

I've nearly got it.

MARTYN

You've been saying that for thirty minutes now.

GRIAN

It'll be true eventually.

MARTYN

(shrugs)

That's true. Still, I've got a feeling help will be on its way soon.

GRIAN

(sarcastic and distracted)

Yeah, I'm sure.

(he suddenly yelps and flinches away)

Gah-!

MARTYN

Told ya.

(he tilts his head)

Isn't the bolt supposed to go the other way around...?

GRIAN

Martyn, if you tell me now that I've been screwing bolts in the wrong way round for thirty minutes, I'm exiling you.

MARTYN

You wouldn't. We've gone too far to lose anyone now.

BigB, Pearl, Jimmy, and Rancher enter.

PEARL

We're back!

MARTYN

Eyy, look who's back!

GRIAN

Thank god.

JIMMY

You guys, it's abysmal.

MARTYN

Who've you brought with you?

JIMMY

Oh, this is-

PEARL

Well, you won't believe this, but we couldn't find anything to eat out there.

BIGB

Except cactus.

PEARL

Except cactus. Which we were about to... Harvest.

GRIAN

You were gonna make us eat cactus?

PEARL

Just as a last resort. But then this guy-

She gestures at the Rancher, who grins and waves.

PEARL

-came to our rescue! He's got a whole selection of meat to choose from. We just brought him here to make a trade.

MARTYN

A trade? We don't have anything to trade.

RANCHER

Oh, I'm sure we can figure something out...

He looks at Martyn and gasps. Martyn flinches.

RANCHER

Oh no way!!

He scrambles over as Martyn scrambles out of the way. He dives into the back of the wagon and reemerges with...

MARTYN

Oh, the redstone box. Hah, I thought you were going to tackle me there!

RANCHER

(ignoring Martyn completely)

You've got redstone! This is great!

PEARL

It is? That was just sort of a freebie that came with the wagon.

RANCHER

Was it?! You have got to get me in contact with the salesman, he's got some good deals.

A muttered chorus of "No not really" and the like. Rancher doesn't seem to notice, opening the crate and inspecting the contents.

RANCHER

Yep, bonafide redstone.

He closes it.

RANCHER

I'm an inventor on the side, you see, and I'm hoping to open a casino utilizing all the latest cutting-edge electric-and-steam-based technology available to us. And THIS is the foundation of my grand idea!

BIGB

Wow, that's really impressive. You snagged a good one, Jimmy.

JIMMY

Can everyone stop being weird about me and-

RANCHER

I'm sure this'll be more than enough for the trade.

PEARL

(delighted)

Really?

RANCHER

(jumping off the back)

Sure will! Just take what you wish and we're all good.

(noticing Grian struggling with the wheel)

Uh...are you alright there, bud?

GRIAN

Just great. Trying to fix our wagon.

RANCHER

Oh, wagon problems? Can I have a look?

He puts the crate in his cart and walks over to Grian, crouching to inspect the wheel. He hums thoughtfully. A moment of silence.

RANCHER

You put the bolts the wrong way round.

GRIAN

GOD-

RANCHER

I can fix it for you, if you'd like. I can do the other ones too.

JIMMY

Wait, really?

MARTYN

He's gonna charge us for it, though, watch.

RANCHER

Nah, this one'll be on me, and I suppose... for a future co-rancher, I can go easy on you guys. See it as an investment.

He winks at Jimmy.

JIMMY

Thank you so much. You're literally the best.

GRIAN

Geez, Jimmy, leave some for the rest of us.

JIMMY

What are you on about.

PEARL

Hey Mr. Rancher, what's your nearest telegraph office? Jimmy here wants to keep in touch with ya.

JIMMY

Wh- I thought all of us did?

PEARL

Yeah, but you especially.

The scene fades as Rancher gets to work...

9. EXT. THE WAGON - LATER

Lights back up. A chicken is being roasted over a fire. Rancher once again hauls his cart and waves at the others as he exits, the others waving back.

JIMMY

Oh, wait!

PEARL

What?

JIMMY

We didn't get his name.

PEARL

Aw, are you depressed?

JIMMY

What? No. Maybe... A bit bummed.

BIGB

Did anyone notice it getting a bit dark for a moment there? It was really weird, like everything faded to black and then it immediately got light again-

GRIAN

Well, I am incredibly hungry, so get a piece of the chicken and dig in, folks.

BIGB

Do we not have plates?

GRIAN

No, we lost all our kitchenry in the fire and we couldn't afford to buy more. We're doing bare hands, baby!

MARTYN

You're really pumped about that.

GRIAN

Nice to let our primal urges out every once in a while, that's all.

PEARL

True that.

The gang tear off pieces of the freshly-cooked chicken, strangely unaffected by the heat. They take a part each.

PEARL

How far d'you think we've gone, now?

MARTYN

We've been out here a few weeks. It takes a few good months to get to Oregon.

GRIAN

I think we could make it.

PEARL

You're only saying that cuz you've got food in your belly now.

GRIAN

I'm being optimistic because I'm team leader. I have to set an example and keep our spirits up.

MARTYN

Oh, he's embraced it now.

JIMMY

It's still weird.

MARTYN

What's weird?

JIMMY

I... I dunno. I just get a feeling, you know?

PEARL

Come on, Jim, no use being vague.

JIMMY

I- I mean, all this. The weird lights in the sky. Going to Oregon, of all places. That Rancher... he seemed... familiar, somehow.

GRIAN

It's called romance, Tim.

JIMMY

No, that's not what I-! Like, the fact that we had a barn that we were running. Our barn burning down--we don't even know who burnt it!

PEARL

What d'you mean? That's just our life so far, I don't see anything weird about it.

JIMMY

And five of us, single, living on one barn at a time? Isn't that a bit weird?

GRIAN

Seems perfectly normal to me.

MARTYN

Just normal, mid-1800s midwestern American life.

JIMMY

That's what I've been trying to say. We're British. And Pearl's Australian. BigB's the only American here.

GRIAN

Yeah.

JIMMY

And we don't speak, or, dress, or act like anyone around us. Not to mention the weird implications.

GRIAN

What're you getting at, Tim?

JIMMY

What I'm getting at is, why are we in 19th century Midwest America in the first place?

A beat.

GRIAN

...what?

JIMMY

I don't even really know what I just said.

PEARL

Just eat your food, Tim.

MARTYN

You're just getting agitated, I get it. Personally I'm getting a bit bored as well. Want some action, you know. I was a bit bummed I wasn't able to go hunting with you guys.

PEARL

We didn't even get anything, some guy rocked up with food all ready.

BIGB

Very anti-climactic.

MARTYN

It kind of feels like we haven't made much progress at all. Poorly designed.

JIMMY

Designed?

PEARL

Unique choice of words.

MARTYN

I'm creative that way.

GRIAN

Well, if this conversation has proven anything, it's that we need rest. Let's tuck in, everyone.

PEARL

I could use a good night's sleep. I feel like we haven't made a pit stop the entire time we've been here. Ooh! D'you guys wanna sleep under the stars?

Everyone concurs. They pack away the food in a picnic basket that looks like a cooler with a printed basket pattern glued on it. They bring out sleeping bags from the back of the wagon and lay them scattered about with no real organization. Jimmy is the last to get ready, still struggling with his bag as everyone else is settled in. Unfortunately, he's also wound up next to Grian.

GRIAN

Geez, Tim.

JIMMY

Don't you start.

GRIAN

It's not that hard.

JIMMY

No, look, I can't-

(wheezes)

-I can't tell which side is the right way up. How'd you get yours to work?

GRIAN

I just guessed.

JIMMY

That's no way to do things.

GRIAN

It's worked out for me so far.

Jimmy finally lays out the bag. Grian watches him passively.

GRIAN

What did you mean earlier?

JIMMY

Listen, I don't really know myself, okay, and you made fun of me, so I'm not so interested in doing all that again-

GRIAN

(softly)

No, I mean...

Jimmy turns to him, attentive. A beat.

JIMMY

Well, I suppose I just feel like we're not supposed to be here-

GRIAN

(interrupting)

...it was just so weird, you know, like what did you even mean-

JIMMY

Right, I'm gonna sleep.

GRIAN

No, Tim-

JIMMY

Good. Night!

He flops into bed with a huff. Grian sighs and turns skyward. The wolf silently saunters in and curls up next to Pearl, who shifts.

PEARL

Aw, doggy!

She wraps an arm around it. It's silent for a few moments.

JIMMY

...don't you get worried about sleeping outside?

GRIAN

No. Nothing bad's happened to us yet.

JIMMY

That's cuz we've been taking turns sleeping in the wagon this whole time. We actually haven't tried sleeping outside. What if the coyotes get us, or a snake?

GRIAN

Don't be so paranoid, Tim. We'll see them before they can get us.

JIMMY

What if it's already in our bags?

GRIAN

How could a snake get in our bags?

A very long, pregnant pause as they wait.

GRIAN

See, we're not gonna get bitten by a- YEEEEOWCH!

He throws his sleeping bag open to reveal: a snake! Latched firmly onto his thigh. He shrieks, piercingly. Jimmy does too, shooting up. Everyone else wakes with a start.

GRIAN

Get it off me!

JIMMY

What do I do?!

PEARL

Wuz going on?!

MARTYN

Oh geez, is that a snake?

(spotting the wolf)

Pearl, is that a wolf??

GRIAN

I dunno, shoot it???

JIMMY

I'm not shooting it, what if I hit your leg? Do I yank it?

GRIAN

Just get it off!

JIMMY

Okay, okay!

He inches towards the snake, then manages to grab onto it.

JIMMY

Okay! On three!

Grian keeps screaming.

MARTYN

That's definitely not how you deal with a snake.

JIMMY

One! Two!

BIGB

Pearl, don't you know how to get rid of a snake?

PEARL

Not really, actually.

Grian starts fading. So does the stage.

GRIAN

Timmy... 'm...

JIMMY

Thr-

Grian faints.

JIMMY

Oh no.

Blackout.

10. VOID

The stage darkens. Only Grian, sprawled in the middle of the stage, is seen. He awakes with a jolt, disoriented and reeling from poison effects.

GRIAN

Wh- Hello? Where exactly am I?

He smacks his lips and groans.

GRIAN

Ugh. I feel sick.

WATCHERS

One of you will die.

GRIAN

Pardon?

The Watchers appear.

WATCHERS

Hello, Grian. Heed us and listen.

GRIAN

Oh no. Oh no no no! Am I dead?!

WATCHERS

...no. This is merely a vision.

GRIAN

Oh,a vision. I feel like I can handle that?

WATCHERS

...We are here to tell you something, before we send you away.

GRIAN

Away? I can't leave my friends.

WATCHERS

We mean back to your friends. Rhyming is hard.

(booming)

Grian! Who is one of us, but not, prepare for one of your kin to soon rot. Be it by water, gun, or fire, journeying on the Trail, one of your fates... shall prove dire.

GRIAN

Just one?

WATCHERS

Yes. Usually it's everyone but one who dies but we decided to switch it up for once.

GRIAN

Wait wait wait, sorry, I'm not quite following. Why? Why are you telling me, and why are you telling me like this? Did you send that snake after me?

WATCHERS

We can communicate anytime to any old fool, but the snake provides excuse to make an entrance cool. And you are one of us, so as such, your time to know is overdue.

GRIAN

Okay, who even are you? Are you why everything has been so... Weird?

WATCHERS

You wish to know the Truth.

GRIAN

I mean, I didn't say that, but sure.

WATCHERS

This isn't real.

Beat.

GRIAN

What?

WATCHERS

It's easier to appeal. What are you doing in 19th century Midwest? Is displacement not what you feel?

GRIAN

No? I've just... Been here.

WATCHERS

And where else have you been? Where have you gone? Where did you come from? Are you someone's son? Do you know?

GRIAN

...no.

WATCHERS

This is all a show. If you look out there––look––row after row!

House lights come on. Grian sees the audience.

GRIAN

What. What?! WHAT?!?!?!

WATCHERS

A lot to take in, we know.

GRIAN

What am I looking at?!

(to the audience)

Who are you?

WATCHERS

The other Watchers. The expectors.

GRIAN

What the hell?

WATCHERS

This is not your True Self. Not as such. You are a character no one can really touch.

GRIAN

Can you slow down?

WATCHERS

You are in a story. At the end of the story, someone will die. You do not know who---do not try to deduce. It will be decided by what you do.

GRIAN

(sarcastic)

Lovely. And can you tell me what to do to avoid that?

WATCHERS

No. That would ruin the audience experience.

GRIAN

I didn't even know they existed 'til now!

WATCHERS

You do now. And you must please them.

GRIAN

I don't know them. I know my friends. I'll please them by getting to Oregon. And none of us will die.

WATCHERS

That is a promise. That is futile. Perhaps in that the crowd will find pleasure, if you don't end up in a pile.

GRIAN

I'm team leader. I have to try. With or without an audience.

He glances uneasily out at the audience.

GRIAN

Really, they creep me out. Have they always been there?

WATCHERS

We will talk another time; for now, come to. Continue the story, it's all you can do.

GRIAN

That's awfully despondent.

WATCHERS

It doesn't have to be. Just try. Goodbye, Grian, goodbye.

Blackout as he flops back down.

11. EXT. THE OREGON TRAIL

The lights come back up. The gang is gathered around Grian, grimacing or otherwise neutral.

The wolf is sat next to Pearl. Jimmy keeps eyeing it nervously.

BIGB

I can't believe it. I actually cannot believe it.

MARTYN

We really should have been more cautious about sleeping in the great outdoors.

PEARL

At least rubbed a little repellent on him.

JIMMY

Repellent? For snakes?

Pearl shrugs.

PEARL

Swear I saw some back at the general store.

MARTYN

Anyone care to say a few words?

BIGB

No not really.

Everyone breaks out into scandalized giggles.

PEARL

(not actually scandalized)

BigB! Have some respect.

BIGB

Just kidding, just kidding. Uhm...

Everyone collects themselves.

JIMMY

This isn't a laughing matter, guys.

MARTYN

Lead the way, BigB.

BIGB

Alright. Dear Grian- wait, how do you start a eulogy?

JIMMY

I think that's about right.

BIGB

Okay, dear Grian. We're so sorry you're gone. It's such a shame that you were taken from us so soon. You were our team leader. You were... Hot?

More giggles.

MARTYN

Eh.

PEARL

Depends on how you look at him.

BIGB

Anyways, we'll miss you a lot. Hope to see you in the next Life.

PEARL

See ya soon, bud. Come on, guys.

They gather close around him and lean down to pick him up.

PEARL

And heave ho!

They pick him up with a grunt and awkwardly shuffle to the side of the stage, where they drop him rather unceremoniously. They step back and stare.

JIMMY

Is he gonna be okay just lying there like that? Won't he rot?

PEARL

Well we literally don't have any shovels to dig, so.

MARTYN

Rotting in the sun it is.

JIMMY

This is really sad. Does anyone else feel really sad?

BIGB

Sure.

MARTYN

Anyways, anyone wanna assume the role of team leader?

PEARL

I think you should do it, Martyn.

MARTYN

Nooo, no, I was never cut out for that kind of stuff. I'm more of a follower than a leader.

PEARL

Well I'm certainly not interested in being leader. BigB?

BIGB

Well I mean, if you're offering... Nah I'm not interested either.

JIMMY

No one's gonna suggest me?

MARTYN

Don't push it, Tim.

JIMMY

Hey!

PEARL

No no, maybe Jimmy should try leading the pack. Give him a little taste of power for once, see what it does to him.

JIMMY

Okay you're treating it like an experiment and I'm scared now.

BIGB

Look at us, already falling into chaos. If only Grian were still alive.

MARTYN

Well that's obviously not going to-

Grian gasps as he jolts up.

GRIAN

GAH!

OTHERS

AAHHH!!

PEARL

Grian!

GRIAN

WATCHERS!

PEARL, BIGB, JIMMY

What?

MARTYN

What?

Grian starts crawling towards the others. They back away.

GRIAN

I saw- ough, god, I think I'm gonna throw up.

BIGB

Dude, are you alright?

GRIAN

I think it was- was it?

He looks up, haunted, then glances towards the audience.

GRIAN

(horrified)

They're still here.

JIMMY

Who's still here?

GRIAN

The Watchers. The audience. Jimmy!

He grabs onto Jimmy quite suddenly. Everyone jumps.

GRIAN

Don't die!

JIMMY

Excuse me??

GRIAN

Try not to die! Not any of you! But you especially, Tim!

BIGB

Grian, are you okay? Are you going crazy?

MARTYN

I'm getting concerned. Is the trip taking that much of a toll on you?

JIMMY

Grian, you're real scary right now.

MARTYN

C'mere. Can you stand?

He and Pearl hoist Grian up.

PEARL

Oh good, he can. Grian? Can you hear us?

Grian stares out at the audience, and then slowly towards the rest of the group. He swallows.

GRIAN

Y...Yeah. Uhm. I'm good. Just-

(chuckles)

 concerned, yanno?

MARTYN

Yeah I get that. Boredom can drive you crazy.

GRIAN

Bored...

(whispers)

Are they?

PEARL

Well, seeing as you've woken us up in the middle of the night, shall we get back to sleep?

MARTYN

What? Outside again? Surely not.

PEARL

Wagon's not big enough for all of us, unless you want to stack like Tetris.

JIMMY

Like what?

MARTYN

It's rather that than snakes, isn't it?

BIGB

I think snakes can crawl into a wagon.

MARTYN

Gee, thanks for the reminder, B.

Lights down, then up a ways away from the group. On a raised rock, the Red King stands, watching.

RED KING

Ah... My soon-to-be recruits... Soon our army will be complete and Red Winter can begin. And it would be nice to have some company for once.

He whips out binoculars and looks through them.

RED KING

Look at them, scurrying around... what pathetic souls my army has been saddled with! I will save them. They will sleep once again; once they do, I shall enact the plan to recruit. And I shall finally have a vehicle to traverse the desert. Which would be fantastic, to be perfectly honest. Stalking them on foot was not fun. And once I have my army, I will ensure that no one will ever dare mess with us again! Isn't that right...

He fixes his gaze, it seems, on Martyn.

RED KING

...My future Hand?

Long beat.

RED KING

Man, monologuing really isn't as fun without a hypeman.

Lights down on him. Focus back on the gang, who are settling in. Jimmy and BigB are getting into the wagon, while the rest are outside.

GRIAN

Are you sure you guys want to be in there?

MARTYN

Why not? It's plenty comfy.

GRIAN

I just don't have a good feeling about this.

PEARL

They drew the longer straws, they get the wagon. Besides, we'll protect you! See if any snakes or coyotes try to snatch you again.

MARTYN

We like a challenge, anyhow. I doubt those two could handle it. No offense, B.

BIGB

None taken.

JIMMY

Oh, full offense to me, I see.

MARTYN

Nothing new under the sun.

BIGB

It's nighttime though?

PEARL

Goodnight y'all! Tuck in!

Everyone tucks in. Save for Grian, who gives one last look at the audience before following.

An ember glow. Inexplicable smoke. The Red King steps out, regal and elegant, riding a horse, before dismounting and cartoonishly tiptoeing towards the wagon. He glances at the sleeping figures, then approaches the front. He crawls onto the seat and pushes aside the flap to peek inside, where Jimmy and BigB are sleeping. He grins at the audience.

RED KING

Passage to Oregon with my new army. A victory for the Red King.

He turns back, sees the cow.

RED KING

Ah fiddlesticks. Well, this is where having a steed comes in handy.

He dislodges the cow and attaches his horse instead, riding atop it.

RED KING

Have at it, my steed! Ride, ride into the horizon to the land of opportunity!

Martyn stirs.

MARTYN

(drowsy)

Huh...? Whuz goin' on?

RED KING

Oh crap. Ride! Ride!!

The horse breaks into a gallop, dragging the wagon behind. The wheels ensure that it is not a smooth ride. BigB and Jimmy awake with a start, yelping.

JIMMY

Hey! Who's doin' that? Cut it out, it's not funny!

MARTYN

Oi! Someone's stealing our wagon!

GRIAN

(startled awake)

Bwa?

Pearl keeps sleeping.

MARTYN

Our wagon!

RED KING

See ya, suckers!!!

BIGB

Help! Grian! Martyn! Pearl!

JIMMY

Guuuuuyyssss!!

They ride off-stage, the awake guys staring dumbfoundedly at them.

GRIAN

(processing)

Wha- our- our...

MARTYN

D'you think we could have caught up  if we had run after them?

GRIAN

Our...wagon!

He shoots up, hands in his hair.

GRIAN

THEY GOT KIDNAPPED!!!!!!

Pearl stirs. She sits up blearily. Her wolf barks.

PEARL

What's goin' on?

Lights down.

12. EXT. THE OREGON TRAIL - MOMENTS LATER

It's dawn.

We catch up to the wagon. The horse is now at a trot, the wagon uncomfortably rolling along. Red King is whistling a bright tune. Jimmy and BigB converse in hushed tones.

JIMMY

We should check who's out there.

BIGB

What! What if they have guns, dude? Listen, maybe one of them is just playing a prank on us. If we ignore it it'll be okay.

JIMMY

How is that okay if they're kidnappers?! We're probably going to get killed either way.

BIGB

Okay. So we jump out.

JIMMY

No??

BIGB

No we jump out so we see who's driving, and if it's a bandit, then we start running.

JIMMY

And then what?

BIGB

And then...

Pause as he realizes the implications.

BIGB

I guess we die or something, I dunno.

JIMMY

Are you kidding me!

BIGB

We can probably survive if I eat you.

JIMMY

WHAT! NO! Then you're the only one who'll survive!

BIGB

Yeah.

Jimmy stares blankly. BigB giggles.

JIMMY

You scare me sometimes, you know that?

BIGB

I know.

JIMMY

Right, I-I'm just going to give them a piece of my mind. Stay here.

BIGB

If you say so. Good luck, dude.

JIMMY

...you're really okay with me facing this guy on my own.

BIGB

Hey dude, you offered.

JIMMY

Ok fair.

(turns to leave, turns back)

Don't try and backstab me. I'll never forgive you.

BIGB

(unconvincingly)

Jimmy. I would never.

Jimmy gives one last lingering look before turning to the flap to the driver's seat. He takes a deep breath, and barges through.

JIMMY

ALRIGHT, STICK 'EM UP- Oh. You again?

Red King doesn't turn around.

RED KING

Ah, I see you have awoken. Apologies for the commotion. I did not mean to disturb your slumber.

JIMMY

You kidnapped us.

RED KING

That is besides the point. I imagine, then, that you already know why you're here?

BigB pokes his head through.

BIGB

Oh, this guy. Hi.

RED KING

Hello, BigB.

BIGB

Is this- ohhh, is this for the army thing?

RED KING

Indeed it is. I was wise to select you two. Your minds appear as sharp as I hoped.

JIMMY

Wait. What am I doing here? I thought you didn't want me in your little "army".

Red King looks at him. Beat.

RED KING

Oh. My bad.

JIMMY

Your bad?

RED KING

I saw blond hair from afar and assumed that you were the other fairer lad. My bad. My eyesight's not very good, especially with the sunglasses.

JIMMY

Oh my god.

BIGB

D'you wanna go back and get him?

JIMMY

You want him to go back to kidnap Martyn??

RED KING

No, I am afraid that if we allow those rapscallions to catch up with us, that I will not be able to fight them off. I am sure to face a harsh punishment if I were to face their ire.

JIMMY

Aren't you an all-powerful king with an army? That's why you recruited us right? To join your army?

RED KING

Yes, well, the thing about that is... You two are technically the first ones.

JIMMY

So you don't have an army yet.

RED KING

No. Not as such.

BIGB

Man. Kind of disappointing, if I'm being honest.

RED KING

(spluttering)

I- well, c'mon, my dudes, you can't expect a poor farmer like myself to build up an army so quickly!

JIMMY

You're a farmer??

RED KING

You don't actually think that a real crackalackin' king was wandering the desert, did ya?

JIMMY

'Crackalackin'?'

BIGB

I thought you were very convincing.

RED KING

Thank you.

JIMMY

That's not proper slang is it? Not for here.

BIGB

So why'd you become a king anyway? That's a lot of work.

RED KING

Security. These are dangerous lands. Bandits, swindling salesmen, spirits...

BIGB

Spirits?

JIMMY

Swindling salesmen?

RED KING

Any danger you can imagine. I've fallen victim to one of these already, you see.

BIGB

(intrigued)

Wait. You saw a ghost?

RED KING

What? No, I got scammed.

BIGB

(disappointed)

Aw.

RED KING

He had a smile like the devil and eyes green like emeralds... Ah, but I won't regale you now, my lads. You must get some rest. You must be well-rested to defend your king.

BIGB

Sure thing.

JIMMY

Are you letting me be a part of it now?

RED KING

Eh, I figure I'll make the most of it. It's a long trail. And I suppose...

(suddenly watery)

It's just nice to have a few friends on it.

Awkwardness.

JIMMY

Uhm. Alright, dude.

Jimmy and BigB glance at each other, then duck back inside. Jimmy sits, looking rather lost. BigB grabs his sleeping bag.

JIMMY

Well... I guess that's not so bad??

BIGB

Yeah, at least he won't kill us.

He makes himself comfortable on the floor.

BIGB

I'm taking a nap.

JIMMY

Really?

BIGB

He said to get some rest, and it's still early.

JIMMY

You're awfully calm about this, B.

BIGB

I mean, we can't really do much about it, can we? And we have a free ride.

But I dunno. It's nice to know someone likes me enough to kidnap me.

Jimmy laughs.

JIMMY

Funny way of looking at it.

BIGB

(chuckling)

Yeah, yeah I guess. Can you blame me though? I don't get noticed often.

JIMMY

I guess not... No offense.

BIGB

Yeah...

JIMMY

...I do want to get back to the others eventually.

BIGB

I'm sure we will. Don't worry about it. This always- this will sort out in the end. Just sit back and relax.

JIMMY

As we're being kidnapped?

BIGB

Sure.

JIMMY

You are baffling, you know that?

BIGB

Thanks.

He snuggles into his bag and falls asleep while Jimmy ponders.

JIMMY

Gosh. What are we doing here?

Lights down.

13. INT. TAVERN

The inside of a cozy, small tavern, with no one but two people inside. Outside, it's snowing. A masked man with striking white hair wipes a glass behind the counter. A shorter man, wearing a fuzzy green cloak, wipes down the tables. He then stops and stares pointedly at the other man.

BARTENDER #2

Ain't no one comin' in.

BARTENDER #1

I mean, it is snowing pretty hard out there.

BARTENDER #2

Then why do we gotta stay open? We're wasting oil keeping all the lights on!

BARTENDER #1

You never know. We can earn back the oil from whoever's crazy enough to be outside in this weather.

BARTENDER #2

Crazy! Huh! Crazy indeed! Who'd be crazy enough to-

The door slams open, and they jump. The remaining gang enter. Pearl is carrying the wolf in.

BARTENDER #2

Geez louise! You scared the bejeesus outta him!

BARTENDER #1

You jumped too.

BARTENDER #2

Shush.

GRIAN

Oh sorry, we were just literally freezing to death and quite desperate to get in. Do you have anything hot?

BARTENDER #2

And what were you doing outside, you crazies? Close the door, wouldja?

Martyn, at the tail end, does so.

MARTYN

Long story.

PEARL

Someone stole our wagon.

BARTENDER #2

You poor souls. How long have you been trekking?

PEARL

Ehh...

GRIAN

It wasn't snowing when our wagon was stolen, and now it is.

BARTENDER #2

Good lord.

GRIAN

Yeah.

MARTYN

So we would like some food, please and thank you.

BARTENDER #1

You got money?

MARTYN

I would think the charity comes first at least, don't you?

BARTENDER #1

We have to learn a living somehow, you know. Oil costs money.

BARTENDER #2

Whatever, you can deal with that later. Have a seat. Whaddya want?

PEARL

Anything.

MARTYN

That doesn't cost too much.

BARTENDER #2

Imma be honest, I don't know if we got much of those.

BARTENDER #1

We do have those awkward potions in the back...

BARTENDER #2

What, those? They've been there for months!

BARTENDER #1

They could still be edible. Just throw some spider eyes in.

BARTENDER #2

Aw, alright, I'll get them.

He ducks into the back, moving the crates and boxes.

BARTENDER #1

So, I'm guessing you guys were heading down the Trail to Oregon?

MARTYN

You guess right.

GRIAN

(sarcastic)

We've had a whale of a time.

BARTENDER #1

I'm surprised you're still alive. You're not even wearing proper winterwear.

GRIAN

Believe you me, we're just as surprised as you are. It's almost like none of this is real.

MARTYN

No breaking down, now, just calm down.

BARTENDER #2

Found 'em!

(to the gang)

I'll just get these warmed up for ya.

He starts putting glass vials full of stale awkward potion in brewers, heating them up.

BARTENDER #2

You're lucky I'm even doing this. Blaze rods ain't easy to come by neither!

BARTENDER #1

I'll just get us more.

BARTENDER #2

We'll get us more, I'm not leaving you to fend for yourself in there!

BARTENDER #1

You just want to go somewhere hot.

BARTENDER #2

Well, can ya blame me? Look at these guys!

He gestures to the gang, who are shivering.

GRIAN

I would like a hot drink now please.

BARTENDER #2

Alright, alright, just hold on a minute, I'll get it to ya. Things take longer to heat up now, yanno.

BARTENDER #1

So how have you survived all this time? Didn't you have all your supplies in the wagon?

PEARL

We had some food, but we did run out of that pretty quickly.

MARTYN

The last few weeks have been a blur.

GRIAN

Honestly, I can't really remember much of it.

Brief, but haunted glance to the audience.

BARTENDER #1

Weeks? Man, I didn't even realize it was that bad. You guys really are lucky.

Grian dry chuckles.

GRIAN

If you can call it that!

Silence descends as Bartender #2 watches the unboiling drinks, Etho wipes the glass, and the three sulk in their chairs.

MARTYN

This is just awful, innit?

(he laughs)

Just awful. How long have we been wandering?

PEARL

I don't really want to think about it.

MARTYN

Lucky bastards, those two.

PEARL

Who?

MARTYN

Jimmy and BigB. They got the wagon; they've actually got shelter.

GRIAN

They got the better end of the stick because they got kidnapped, yeah?

MARTYN

Sure. And if their kidnapper wants 'em as hostages and haven't killed them, they'll be treated just fine. Funny how that works out. Dramatic irony and all that.

He side-eyes Grian.

GRIAN

Dramatic irony?

MARTYN

Yeah. Storytelling technique. You familiar with it, Grian?

GRIAN

I'd say this is more of a crisis than dramatic irony. Though... I guess you could argue otherwise.

He buries his head in his hands.

GRIAN

God. If. You said if they haven't been killed. But they could be. And this will all have been for nothing.

PEARL

I mean, granted it's not a nice thought, but at least we'll still be here to carry on their legacy. We could put up a monument or something.

GRIAN

(looking at her)

You are so awfully calm about this.

PEARL

Need to keep the tone up somehow.

GRIAN

...guys. If I told you that all of this wasn't real, what would you say?

PEARL

Yeah, you've been saying that.

MARTYN

Out of curiosity, what makes you think so? Kind of a funny thing to bring up. Why wouldn't this...

(he gestures)

 Be real?

GRIAN

Oh, I don't know. Just had a bad dream once. Or right now.

PEARL

Cryptic.

GRIAN

Just... I have my sources. That, and the weird things Tim had pointed out. The sky, the inconsistent events, the weird feeling that I'm not where I'm supposed to be, the... Them. None of what we say or think is real. We were written this way.

PEARL

I dunno. Seems pretty real to me. 

GRIAN

But isn't it weird if the truth was something else?! I mean, I don't know, if we were all characters in a play, for example. We wouldn't be real. There would be real people, watching us. Actual people.

MARTYN

But if we were in the same space as them, wouldn't that make us real...?

GRIAN

(feverish!)

I don't know how it works!

Beat.

PEARL

Are you okay, Grian? It sounds like you've been thinking too much about this.

GRIAN

Noo. Everything's great!

PEARL

Well. I don't know why it would matter anyway.

GRIAN

Hm?

PEARL

We exist in our minds. Who cares what other people think?

GRIAN

It's less about what they think and more about the fact that apparently our true state of being is nonexistence. Which is... terrifying.

PEARL

We all start out nonexistent, if you think about it. I don't think it would be much of a difference anyway.

I say we just take things as they come. Like Tilly here.

GRIAN

Tilly? You've named the wolf?

MARTYN

Still have no clue how you managed to tame it, by the way.

PEARL

Me neither! But she just came up to me and stuck by me this whole time. And who am I to complain? Now I have a friend.

MARTYN

I thought we were your friends.

PEARL

Yeah, but, you know. It's good to have more just in case. And even if she isn't real either,

(cooing at Tilly)

She'll still have been a good girl to me, wouldn't ya?

BARTENDER #2

Eefo, help me bring these over wouldja?

BARTENDER #1

Aw alright.

BARTENDER #2

Don't go complaining, you've been doing nothing but wipe that glass all day!

BARTENDER #1

It's dirty!

They put three glasses on a tray and pour the potions in them before bringing it over. The trio grab a drink each. Grian stares at his moodily.

MARTYN

Thanks mate. Cheers.

He gulps it down.

PEARL

Geez, slow down, Martyn, we only have a little bit.

MARTYN

Can't we put it on a tab or something?

(to the bartenders)

We could pay you guys back.

BARTENDER #1

Don't pretend like you're coming back here.

MARTYN

Fair enough.

PEARL

Well, I mean, there's still a chance, you guys are just off the trail.

BARTENDER #1

I don't know how else to tell you this, we're about a mile off the trail.

PEARL

We're what?

GRIAN

Screw it.

He gulps down his drink as well.

PEARL

Grian!

GRIAN

Look, I just want to be warm already-

He gags.

GRIAN

Oh no.

PEARL

Grian? You good, bud?

MARTYN

How long have these been in the back again?

BARTENDER #1

A few months. But they're okay with being fermented anyway.

BARTENDER #2

Well, yes. Indeed. In most cases.

MARTYN

Most cases.

Grian starts coughing and sputtering. The lights are fading.

PEARL

I think you just gave our friend food poisoning.

BARTENDER #1

Oh.

BARTENDER #2

Oh dear.

MARTYN

Wh- do you guys have anything to combat it or something??

BARTENDER #2

I can make another one?? It is a healing potion.

Grian passes out, and the stage goes dark.

14. VOID (AGAIN)

Grian startles awake. He takes a moment to process it, then processes it.

GRIAN

Nooooooo. Noooooooooooo!! Not again!!!

The Watchers appear.

WATCHERS

Grian.

GRIAN

I don't want to hear it. I feel like I'm going crazy. Was this you? Was all of this you? Timmy and BigB got kidnapped. Our wagon was stolen. Our barn! Was burned down! The fact that we're in a play in the first place- I don't think I'm in the right place.

WATCHERS

As if we said otherwise, what you see behind your eyes.

GRIAN

You literally said none of this was real.

WATCHERS

On a level, it isn't. On another, you are. You live in the minds of these people like a vessel, a star. You are made real. Your creator is too. Creators, we should say, but there is a True one for you.

GRIAN

You're so inconsistent! You know what, you're terrible at this. 

WATCHERS

Weaving narrative out of narrative is a feat. Weaving narrative out of inconsistency is herculean. We are a pastiche, just like you, something niche, an idea of realness, breathing the same air as real people. Ergo...

GRIAN

...you said this is a story. So it's already written.

WATCHERS

They have written it, yes, as clumsy as They rhyme.

GRIAN

...I think I knew that. What you were saying. I think... Have I always known that?

WATCHERS

You are always aware of your True Self. It is the foundation of you, after all. This you, anyways. This you is a collection of words and thoughts of a person you don’t know in a world you only just recognize.

GRIAN

You've stopped rhyming.

WATCHERS

We have no reason to hide anymore.

GRIAN

Wait. Why'd you call me back here anyway?

WATCHERS

Oh yeah. That. Have you thought about who to kill yet?

GRIAN

What? No!

WATCHERS

Inconvenient, since that's the whole point.

GRIAN

I already told you. I'm not letting anyone die. They're my friends... My allies.

WATCHERS

And that's stopped them from dying before, has it?

GRIAN

...I don't know why, but that hurt, man.

WATCHERS

It does not have to be a friend.

GRIAN

Is that any better?

WATCHERS

Decide. The story must resolve. You wish to be a leader, to save your friends? Prove it.

GRIAN

I don't need to prove it.

WATCHERS

Correct.

Blackout.

15. INT. TAVERN

Everyone is crowded around Grian's body, slumped over the table. Tilly is sniffing him curiously.

PEARL

We've killed him again!!

MARTYN

Maybe he'll come back?

PEARL

We can't count on that, it wasn't a snake this time.

MARTYN

You're implying he's only immune to snakes.

PEARL

Seems like a logical conclusion.

BARTENDER #2

What in the goddamn are you two talking about?! Ya can't just come back from-

Grian violently wakes once more.

GRIAN

GASP!

BARTENDER #2

HOLY MACKEREL!

BARTENDER #1

MARY!

PEARL, MARTYN

GRIAN!

PEARL

You're alive!

GRIAN

That does NOT get any more pleasant.

MARTYN

You've got to tell us how you keep doing that.

GRIAN

Too weird to explain right now.

(to the bartenders)

Could I get water?

BARTENDER #1

It'll cost ya.

BARTENDER #2

No it won't, the man just died! Just scoop some snow from outside and put it on the stove.

PEARL

Oh, so you want to kill him again.

BARTENDER #2

It's not going to kill hi-im. Probably. We'll boil the yucky stuff out.

The bartenders move back to the work area as Pearl and Martyn retake their seats.

MARTYN

Are you sure you're alright? Is there something happening to you?

GRIAN

No, no, I got it. I know what I need to do now. Or at least, I think I do.

PEARL

Right. That's not very comforting.

GRIAN

Don't worry about it. I just need... To take control. Like I've always been able to do. I just didn't know.

He grips Pearl and Martyn's arms and looks at them, while they look back puzzled.

GRIAN

Guys, I promise you, we're going to get to Oregon. And we're going to get BigB and Timmy back.

MARTYN

I like the confidence, but how do you propose we do that?

PEARL

We'll need a wagon if we want to survive any longer.

MARTYN

And supplies.

PEARL

Where are we gonna get those?

Ding-a-ling!

MARTYN

Was there a doorbell there before?

The door swings open, and a familiar face steps through.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Well howdy! How're my favorite tenders?

BARTENDER #2

SCAR!

GENERAL STORE GUY

(spotting the trio)

Oh, well hello again! Fancy seeing you here! Though I notice your little party has been cut down a bit.

PEARL

Hello again, General Store Guy.

BARTENDER #1

How'd you get all the way out here, Scar?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Why, braved the weather in my handy-dandy ultra-sturdy Swaggon, of course! I can't believe you guys refused to get one.

BARTENDER #1

Because we only take valuables in exchange for our services.

GENERAL STORE GUY

I take offense at that. You're saying the Swaggon isn't valuable?

BARTENDER #2

Yes.

MARTYN

Wait, how'd he catch up to us so quick? He was at Independence when we left.

Grian stands up. He starts walking towards Scar. His expression is frighteningly steely.

GRIAN

Scar, was it?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Ooh, I'm not totally comfortable being referred to with my name by a customer, but yes.

GRIAN

Well, I knew that already, so it doesn't really matter.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Pardon?

PEARL

Grian? What're you on about?

GRIAN

Why are you here, Scar?

GENERAL STORE GUY

I just wanted to visit my favorite tavern five towns over?

GRIAN

Right. On a whim?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Sure.

GRIAN

Right.

Oh, why do I feel I'm about to regret this?

GENERAL STORE GUY

You tell me, stranger.

Grian takes a deep breath.

GRIAN

We need your help.

MARTYN

What's this now?

GRIAN

We need to get to Oregon. Your stupid Swaggon was stolen with two of our friends in it. We need to catch up to them and save them. And we can only do that with a wagon.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Swaggon.

GRIAN

Swaggon, whatever! You have supplies, right? You can take us down the Trail.

General Store Guy studies Grian with a sort of uncharacteristic calculation. Or maybe it was always characteristic.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Well...

GRIAN

We'll pay you when we find jobs in Oregon. I heard there's gold there.

MARTYN

I thought that was why we were migrating in the first place.

General Store Guy grins.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Well! You sure drive a hard bargain, Grian. And who am I to deny poor souls in need?

He holds out his hand.

GENERAL STORE GUY

It's a deal.

Grian takes it.

GRIAN

...your wagon has round wheels, right?

GENERAL STORE GUY

They're octagonal, if that's what you were asking.

GRIAN

(so, so tired)

It wasn't.

The stage transforms...

16. EXT. THE OREGON TRAIL

The tavern disappears, the two bartenders waving confusedly as Scar leads the trio to his magnificent Swaggon, rolling onto the stage. It looks weirdly steampunk.

MARTYN

Okay, that is not the aesthetic of this world at all.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Don't criticize my emetic taste!

MARTYN

Not what I said.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Hop on in everyone!

PEARL

What's driving this thing? I don't see a horse.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Of course not, it would've collapsed in this weather!

There is no snow.

PEARL

There's no snow.

GENERAL STORE GUY

No, it's engine powered.

PEARL

Engine-powered? This guy's a genius! I knew I was right backing you up.

GRIAN

No time to gawk, we have to go!

He scrambles into the driver's seat, Scar hopping in beside him. Martyn and Pearl climb into the back.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Hey now, I'm the only one that can drive this beauty.

GRIAN

Then drive!

GENERAL STORE GUY

(pulling a cord)

Hiyah!

It roars to life. Lights flash, the body vibrates, steam starts pouring out a chimney on top.

GENERAL STORE GUY

All passengers, this is Swaggon Incorporated, may we ask that you please keep all your extremities inside the Swaggon at all times and refrain from standing up until the ride is over. Thank you!

He rings a bell, and they set off at breakneck speed. Grian screeches.

The Swaggon turns to face the audience as the Red King's wagon enters, also facing the audience, but ostensibly in a different part of the Trail. Unlike the Swaggon, they're unmoving. The horse is bundled in winter wear. The Red King, Jimmy, and BigB all sit in the caravan. Grian leans forward.

GRIAN

We're coming for you, Tim! We're coming for you, B!! We're going to save you!!!

BIGB

So do you prefer apple juice or orange juice?

RED KING

Orange juice just doesn't send good tingles, you know? It's too sour for me.

JIMMY

That's 'cause you don't put enough sugar in it.

RED KING

That's just unhealthy. What's the point of drinking fruit if you're going to make it unhealthy?

JIMMY

It's not that unhealthy.

GRIAN

AAAAAAAAAAHHH!!

JIMMY

Do you guys hear something?

BIGB

It sounds like Grian.

RED KING

What?!

He peeks outside.

RED KING

My god.

JIMMY

What? What do you see?

RED KING

Nothing... But an unholy amount of trail dust.

MARTYN

I think I see them!

PEARL

Are there no other wagons on this trail?

GENERAL STORE GUY

No no, I would recognize a Scar-certified Swaggon anywhere!

PEARL

Has no one else bought your wagons?

GRIAN

TIMMY! B!

RED KING

My army! We must ride!

JIMMY

Wait, but-

BIGB

Yes sir!

JIMMY

B?!?!?

BIGB

Hey, I don't want it to be over just yet. We like a thrilling chase, right?

JIMMY

Who's 'we'? B, don't be fooling around now!

Indeed, the Red King hops into the driver's seat and spurs his steed to run. Both Swaggons face stage right, one pursuing the other.

PEARL

They're runnin'!

GRIAN

Guys! Jump out!

MARTYN

I don't think that's a good idea. We might run over them.

GRIAN

Can't we go any faster?

GENERAL STORE GUY

Would you like to?

PEARL

That definitely sounds like a bad idea.

(grinning)

Let's do it.

MARTYN

Hoo boy. Strap in, everyone.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Once again, please keep all hands and feet inside the vehicle at all times. Let's boogey!

He pulls down a cord, and the lights grow brighter, the steam grows thicker, and surely the Swaggon starts approaching the other menacingly. Grian stands up.

GENERAL STORE GUY

Excuse you mister! I said please refrain from standing-

GRIAN

Timmy! B!

BIGB

Grian!

JIMMY

G! You're here!

BIGB

You've come to save us!

GRIAN

Guys come on, take my hand!

Jimmy and BigB try to reach for his hand.

JIMMY

You're too far away!

RED KING

My army! Don't abandon me now!

MARTYN

Oh, Ren?

RED KING

Hi Martyn! Sorry, I meant to kidnap you, but I got the wrong guy!

MARTYN

Oh, that's... Fine. I think.

PEARL

Gang?

GRIAN

Reach!!

JIMMY

I'm trying!!!

PEARL

Gang. The river.

GRIAN

What about a river?

PEARL

The Columbia River. It's just ahead of us.

JIMMY

Wait! Wait! I almost got it! I almost got y-

The Swaggons meet. Blackout and flashing of blue.

CRASH! SPLINTER! CREEAAKKK- SPLASH!

Darkness, and silence. A long, long silence.

17. VOID

Then a flash of purple. And another. And another.

A light appears on Grian, sprawled on the ground. He sits up weakly. He opens his eyes.

GRIAN

So soon?

The Watchers appear.

WATCHERS

Not quite.

More lights appear on BigB, Pearl, Martyn, Jimmy, the Red King, and General Store Guy. Slowly, gently, they stir awake. Grian looks around.

GRIAN

Guys!

(to the Watchers)

Why are they here?

WATCHERS

They are just as aware as you. They also Watch. Just in their own way.

PEARL

Guys? Are we okay?

SCAR

Geez, that was a tumble...

BIGB

It's dark again. Are we dead?

JIMMY

We're DEAD?

GRIAN

No we're not Tim, calm down. Look up.

JIMMY

Look up?

MARTYN

Oh. Ohh no.

They look up.

JIMMY

What. The heck. Are THOSE?!

MARTYN

(venomous)

Watchers.

GRIAN

You know them?!

MARTYN

What, you don't? You're one of them.

WATCHERS

His mind is a finicky one. As are yours; but his requires maintenance.

BIGB

I'm very confused. What are the Watchers doing here?

WATCHERS

We are always here, even when we do not need to be. We're the audience favorites---unsurprising when we are the audience.

MARTYN

So you're calling yourselves egotistical, is that it.

WATCHERS

Cease your ire, Littlewood, it has no place here.

In this story, we fulfill our role, that is all. The author has no interest in our malevolent side.

MARTYN

Alright, alright. So what are we here for? What is there to exposit to us? This is basically just another series, isn't it?

PEARL

That was my thought. Bizarre concept for a series, but.

MARTYN

Why isn’t there more of us, even?

WATCHERS

You were the only ones available.

PEARL

You respect availability?

GRIAN

This wasn't my idea. It was theirs, but it's not really, either. It's- argh, it's hard to explain.

WATCHERS

It's all clear now, isn't it?

GRIAN

It's getting there. Is it time for the gimmick? Not a very good one, mind you.

WATCHERS

We're trying our best. An amateur touch is not as refined. One of you must die.

JIMMY

I'm sorry?

MARTYN

You know, this would be so much more engaging and easier if you said this up top.

BIGB

Yeah, that's how instructions work.

WATCHERS

We wanted to do something different. Let you all stew, and see who is the weak link.

BIGB

In 1800s Oregon?

WATCHERS

On the Trail to Oregon in the 1800s, yes.

BIGB

That's crazy.

WATCHERS

Will you sacrifice the man who stole two of you away in a paranoid thirst for hunger? Or the salesman who has swindled you? Or perhaps the clumsy hand that burned your home to the ground and forced you onto the Trail? Physical violence is not needed, if you do not crave it; leaving them on the road to succumb to dysentery will do the trick.

SCAR

So I'm lost. What's happening here?

REN

I would also like to ask what in the world is happening here. Who are these glowy guys? I didn't sign up for this existential nonsense.

PEARL

What happens if we don't sacrifice someone?

WATCHERS

There will be consequences for everyone.

GRIAN

Like what?

WATCHERS

You survived the river. We can reverse that.

GRIAN

Can you?

The Watchers do not answer.

GRIAN

I'm real. You're not. You've always been a figment.

PEARL

Yeah! If this is a story, why don't we have a say in how it ends?

WATCHERS

Then where is the drama? Where are the stakes? The story goes nowhere.

PEARL

We went somewhere. We're almost at Oregon. We could all get there if you let us go.

MARTYN

I'd say that's a satisfying ending. Especially after all the stress we've gone through.

WATCHERS

Stress that wasn't real. A road that wasn't real. A state-

MARTYN

Oooohhh, don't pull the double standards on us now. If none of this is real, then it shouldn't really matter if we go along with your little game, should it?

BIGB

But do we want an anti-climactic ending though...?

JIMMY

B!!

BIGB

I'm just saying.

WATCHERS

No. You are correct.

BIGB

Me?

WATCHERS

In this moment in time, you have existed. You are pleased with that alone. But how will you cope when it ends?

PEARL

When it ends?

WATCHERS

The story must end eventually. You have hastened its arrival quite a bit without the extra angst. When it comes, what do you think will happen to these forms? These lives of yours?

GRIAN

I'm guessing we stop existing.

WATCHERS

Bingo. Are you ready for that? To suddenly know nothing? You will be as good as dead.

GRIAN

...but that's not quite true, is it? This is written by you, but there's many of you. You said this is real, so the other versions of me is also real.

WATCHERS

You've accepted it?

GRIAN

I think we have. We've accepted it many times before.

WATCHERS

...finish the story, then.

A glow grows, brighter.

JIMMY

Huh? How're we supposed to do that?

WATCHERS

How else? Fulfill your role. Get to Oregon. We should be thankful that you have not stopped telling the story.

Brighter, brighter. The glow fills the stage, spills over the edge of the stage...

18. EXT. THE OREGON TRAIL

When it fades, they're all once again sprawled on the ground, in the middle of a dry, arid, hot, and orange desert. They get up one by one, in their own fashion, showing various levels of discomfort.

MARTYN

Geez, what a fuckin' trip.

JIMMY

Are we back? Are we good?

BIGB

Looks like it, yeah.

GRIAN

Is everyone alright?

BIGB

Peachy.

PEARL

Never been better.

Tilly bounds in and tackles her.

PEARL

TILLY!!! Oh I am definitely feeling better now. I missed you, girly! I'm so glad you survived! Did the silly ol' Watchers not think you worthy of being in their musky Void?

GRIAN

Okay, good. Good. We did all see that. Good LORD! I am never doing anything like that again. That was way too stressful.

JIMMY

So...

(points at the audience)

Have you guys been seeing them this whole time?

PEARL

Sure. We're content creators, Jimmy, we always have to be aware of our audience.

JIMMY

Okay. Alright. Cool.

Scar lets out a cry, looking off-stage.

SCAR

Oh... Oh no! My poor Swaggon! Smashed to bits on the rocks! Aw, that cost so much money... That technology doesn't even exist yet.

He turns back to the others solemnly.

SCAR

Thank you all for riding with Swaggon Incorporated.

MARTYN

(staring out into the audience)

Well, good news, I don't think we need to worry about transportation anymore.

SCAR

And why's that?

MARTYN

It's right there.

The rest follow his gaze. The border fades into existence, shimmering in waves, a light mint green. Grian stands.

GRIAN

The border.

PEARL

Okay. Cool. Now the question is, can we get through it.

JIMMY

Oh, they're tricking us again! They're messing with us!

PEARL

Just to clarify, how Aware were you, Tim?

JIMMY

You guys definitely seem to know more than me. I just knew something was off.

PEARL

Wow, Tim. I guess you were too absorbed in the story. Like Grian.

MARTYN

(brandishing his pocket watch from earlier)

I was too, but I was also dropped into it, so.

GRIAN

Let's not jump to conclusions. There's only one way to find out.

He faces the others.

GRIAN

Shall we?

MARTYN

Lead the way, team leader.

Everyone is now up. Tentatively, they all walk forwards until they're in a line. 

REN

Before we go through... Are we good, fellas?

PEARL

With what, kidnapping our friends?

REN

Yeah, that.

BIGB

I've already forgiven you.

JIMMY

You were okay with it in the first place.

MARTYN

I don't see the point in fighting you. We're all trying to get out of here together.

SCAR

Yeah, and there'll be plenty of time to fight in the next Life.

REN

Sounds good to me.

JIMMY

Oh, wait, what about the Rancher? Tango. Is he just stuck here now?

MARTYN

No, us crossing the border is more a symbolic thing, so it doesn't really matter I think.

They stare at the borders for a while.

JIMMY

It's a little nerve-wracking, innit.

SCAR

Well, friends, if we all perish here from some cruel extradimensional trick, then may I just say-

GRIAN

We'll be fine.

He puts his hand on the border.

GRIAN

Let's go.

They push through, and take a step. The stage seems to transform once more as they cross the border into...

GRIAN

Oregon.

MARTYN

I like how you finished the sentence, there.

REN

It's... It's more beautiful than I imagined.

They are staring right out at the audience.

MARTYN

Well, we did it. We reached the finish line, quite literally. And we'll all kill each other in another life.

PEARL

That's a weirdly comforting thought. What'd I say, huh? We just keep chugging along until we all get to kill each other again.

BIGB

I want to say we'll get good jobs and make money here, but that's not going to happen.

GRIAN

No.

PEARL

So what happens now?

GRIAN

It ends.

MARTYN

Kind of a big thing, ending. Are you scared of it?

GRIAN

No, because that’s not going to happen. We’ll all still exist, somewhere.

SCAR

That's good to know.

BIGB

When is it going to end, though?

GRIAN

You only really know how long you have left by each breath. Just enjoy it.

They soak in the moment.

JIMMY

It's taking a while, though, isn't i-

Fin.