Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

“So lay it on me,” Rafael said, adjusting his polo shirt back over his stomach.  “What’s the verdict?”

Dr. Ellory’s smile appeared to be forced.  She was a neurologist, supposedly one of the best in the city.  He swallowed around the sudden lump in his throat.

Grabbing a nearby rolling stool, the doctor took a seat and rolled closer to the exam table Rafael was seated on, and directly met his eyes.  “Rafael, this is never an easy conversation to have,” she began, and he nodded in response, feeling his stomach clench.

“The testing revealed the source of your migraines,” she explained, then stood again, pointing to the scan she’d hung on the lit screen on the wall.  “If you look here, on the edge of your hippocampus, you’ve got a noticeable mass here that doesn’t belong.”  Glancing at him, she cleared her throat.  “You have a brain tumor.”

She was thoughtful and informative; her demeanor remained as professional as he’d come to expect.  She gave him a basic summary of what each of the tests: a CAT-scan, the MRI, the multitude of labs they’d run on him over the last few weeks. Lots of words were spoken, even some he’d never heard before.  He tried to pay attention and jot things down in his phone, but he knew he missed a lot.  Brain tumor, non-cancerous, likely there since childhood.  Pain meds. Increasing memory loss.  Confusion.  Hospice.

Terminal.  Six months.

She handed him a folder full of different papers.  Leaflets, pamphlets, articles, handouts.  “I know you’re a big reader, so I gathered everything I could find on it.  You’ll need to tell someone soon, though, Rafael.  Someone will need to assist in your care, quite likely starting in the next few weeks.  You’re already experiencing memory lapses, so a caregiver will be important for the next several months, until hospice steps in.  I’ll schedule you an appointment in two weeks, and I’d like you to bring your caregiver with you, if possible.”

Hospice.   The word kept reminding him of his abuelita and the time he’d insisted on dragging her to that damn nursing home.  He’d been so rational, so unfeeling.  At the time, he remembered being concerned about the ability to continue his own life with relative ease.  

What a dick he’d been. 

It would serve him right if he ended up in one of those places–smelling skunk for dinner every damn night until he couldn’t remember the word.

“Thank you, Dr. Ellory,” he said at the end of their conversation, shaking her hand.  “When should I see you again?”

Her smile was gentle, and he had the sneaking suspicion she may have already told him.  “Two weeks, Rafael.  The secretary will schedule you and give you a card.  Here, follow me.”

She led him to the desk as though he’d never been there before and said something to the secretary before leaving.  “She needs to see me again, soon,” he said, suddenly unable to remember anything she’d said in the last twenty minutes.  “I’m not sure if she told me how long, though.”

The secretary, a young woman named Alina, smiled and handed him a card.  “In two weeks, Mr. Barba.  We’ll call you the day before to remind you as well.”

Two weeks, that’s right .  He thanked her and headed out into the bright Manhattan afternoon.

*****

He’d been trying a rape/murder case against Alan Preston, a Manhattan real estate mogul.

It was growing later in the day, but Rafael was determined to push through as long as he could.  Judge Barth would hopefully allow him to finish his cross of Preston before they dismissed for the day; it was always bad for the prosecution not to follow up immediately on a defendant’s testimony.  Rita Calhoun had just finished her direct examination and taken her seat across the aisle from him; Rafael stood, preparing to button his suit jacket when he heard the judge’s gavel.

“Ladies and gentlemen, we’re going to stop for today,” the judge said, and Rafael turned his attention to her, ready to try to persuade her differently—

He couldn't remember her name.

He knew that he knew her.  He knew where he was and that he was trying a murder/rape trial against Alan Preston.  He knew that Benson, Carisi, and Fin were behind him and that Rollins was home with a sick kid.  He knew he’d tried at least a dozen cases in front of this judge, that she was fair and impartial, and he genuinely liked her.  But for the life of him, he couldn’t remember her name.

Quickly, he covered.  “Your Honor, just a few questions for the defendant?  I promise I’ll be quick.”  He asked, but when she told him no, he was as relieved as the defendant looked.  He didn’t trust himself, even after he’d remembered her name on the walk back to his office.  That was when he’d called his PCP, Dr. Rashid, insisting something was wrong.  Dr. Rashid had gotten him in immediately, ordering a CT-scan and conducting a thorough exam himself.  “I know enough to know when I don’t know, Rafael,” he’d said, his brow deeply furrowed.  “I’m referring you to Janice Ellory.  She’s one of the best neurologists in the city, and I’ll push to fast-track you.”

Even with the push from his doctor, it had taken five months for Dr. Ellory to get him in for an appointment, and in that time, Rafael’s memory had continued to be a growing concern. He’d misplaced so many of his notes that he finally began giving them to his paralegal, Carmen, for safekeeping.  Everything of even minor importance was recorded in his phone.  He’d even missed two different meetings with the DA, and if it weren’t for his close friend Liv (who covered for him each time) he was certain he’d have been fired.  But once Dr. Ellory had gotten him in, his case had moved swiftly. The day after his first appointment with her, he had an MRI, the first of his life.  A few days later, he had enough blood drawn to power a small animal, it seemed.  He even had some tests he’d never heard of before.  At least they’re being thorough, he’d thought.  

He hadn’t told anyone anything yet–not his mother, who worried about him relentlessly; not his boss, who’d eyed him oddly when he asked for days off; not even Liv, who he shared a hell of a lot with.  He’d kept it all to himself, promising he’d reveal anything of note when it was warranted.

He hated the idea of keeping that promise.

*****

When he got home from the doctor’s office, the first thing he did was call Jack McCoy, his boss.  “I’m sorry to do this to you, Jack,” he began, feeling guilty despite what was happening to him.  “I received an offer for another position that I hadn’t planned on.  They approached me, and they  need me to start immediately.  I hate leaving you in a lurch, but I don’t see a way around it.”

Jack was quiet for a moment.  “You deserve it, Rafael,” he said when he spoke, and Rafael couldn’t believe the man almost sounded happy for him.  “You’ve given this office a good bit of you, and you’ve done us proud.  Are you at liberty to tell me where you’re headed yet?”

“Not yet,” he replied, randomly flipping through the papers Dr. Ellory had given him.  “But I’ll share as soon as I can.  And I thank you for everything you’ve given me over the years.  It’s been an honor.”

Once he’d hung up the phone, he busied himself with putting together one of his favorite dinners.  It was a Cuban dish with multiple steps that his abuelita had taught him years before.  If nothing else, Rafael knew his time to make something like this was quickly passing.  Soon he wouldn’t remember all of the ingredients or the steps of preparation.  Perhaps he wouldn’t remember who taught it to him, or the many times his abuelita had prepared it for him over the years.  By the time he was ready to eat, the realization of what he was losing was hitting him hard, and he’d lost his appetite. 

After dinner, Rafael sent the one text he’d promised himself he’d send:  to Carisi.  He’d mentored Sonny Carisi for most of the past year, helping to prepare the man to take the state bar.  Carisi had said a million times over, “I owe you the world, Barba!  If there’s any way I can ever pay you back, just let me know.”  Well, that time is now, Rafael told himself.  He sent a quick, professional text inviting Carisi to come over for dinner on Monday evening. That would give him the weekend to do some research on what was happening to him and what he’d have to ask Carisi to do in the future.

Carisi responded nearly immediately, asking if he should bring anything, and Barba assured him that only his company was required.  Then he plugged his phone into the charger and got ready for bed.

As he showered, he wondered how much longer he’d be able to have this much control over his life before he would need someone else to guide him.  How long until he no longer remembered if he’d turned off the oven, or locked the front door, or even wiped his own ass? Months? Or could it be coming in just weeks, quietly taking over his every thought? 

Once he was in bed, he took the time to read over the majority of the information Dr. Ellory had given him.  His future looked bleaker with every paragraph, and he couldn’t imagine putting someone who cared about him so much in charge of watching him die.  He thought of his mother, who had loved and supported him throughout his life, and Liv, who was the closest friend he’d ever had.  He couldn’t ask either of them to do this.  He loved them too much.

No, it was better this way.  He’d ask Carisi to help for the next three months or so, then Rafael would end it.  Either a bullet or a mouthful of pills, and he’d be gone while he still had a bit of dignity, if there was such a thing.

Chapter Text

Knocking firmly on Barba’s door, Carisi stood outside with a bottle of pinot grigio in his hands.  None of this made any sense.  He’d gotten a text late Friday night from Barba, inviting him over for dinner and “conversation”, and he’d eagerly accepted.  It was probably no big surprise to anyone that he was nursing a bit of a crush on the ADA, so finally receiving an invite for a dinner with just the two of them was thrilling.  He’d planned to go home and change first, to wear his favorite jeans along with that soft gray sweater that really set off his eyes. He’d spent all morning fantasizing about what might happen and what Barba wanted to talk with him about. If he was lucky, perhaps Barba intended to acknowledge the sparks between them–IF he was lucky.

But when he stopped by the counselor’s office after lunch, Carmen informed him that Barba had resigned from the DA’s office on Friday, effective immediately.  She herself seemed stunned, but insisted that she didn’t know any more than what she’d told him.

“And that’s it?” he asked angrily.  “He didn’t say anything else to you?”

Crossing her arms and showing an attitude he’d never seen from her before, Carmen shifted to one him.  “Detective, he didn’t tell me anything.   Your implication that I’m somehow keeping something from you is insulting.”  

Carisi quickly changed his tone.  “I’m sorry, Carmen.  I guess I just don’t understand–this is out of left field!”  He shook his head.  “I’m supposed to have dinner with him tonight, so I guess I’ll find out what’s going on then.”

He was almost out the door when Carmen called his name.  He turned around to see she was standing close to him, and her eyes were filled with tears.  Obviously, something felt very wrong to her.  “If you do, detective…would you mind letting me know what’s going on?  I’m quite worried about him.  He, uh…he hasn’t been himself, for a while.”

He’d immediately agreed.  On his walk back to the precinct, Carisi mulled over the changes he’d noticed in Barba over the last few months. Carisi himself had worked for Manhattan SVU for close to two years now, and in that time, he’d learned an incredible amount–mainly from his lieutenant, Olivia Benson, but also from their ADA.  Barba had even gone so far as to help him study for the bar earlier in the year.  He was meticulous, more organized than anyone Carisi had ever known, and he was intelligent .  But in the last few months, Carisi had noticed that organization slowly starting to fray around the edges.  Barba had misplaced notes, lost reports, even forgotten a few of their meetings.   Carisi knew that Liv had covered for Barba with the DA on more than one occasion, and while nobody talked about it, it was clear that something was going on with their ADA. Carisi just prayed that it wasn’t another case of stalkers, or threats like Barba had experienced just a few months ago.

He gave another impatient knock on the door, feeling his anxiety rolling around in his stomach.  Just then, the door opened to reveal Barba, looking as put-together as ever.  He was wearing a pair of dark-wash jeans that hugged his thighs and a long-sleeve henley in forest green.  With his face cleanly shaven and his trademark smirk, he looked sexy as hell.  “Carisi,” Barba said, smirk turning into a warm smile, “Please, come in.”

Carisi did so, entering Barba’s apartment and handing him the bottle of wine.  Barba closed and locked the door, then took the wine into the kitchen.  “I told you that you didn’t need to bring anything,” Carisi heard from the other room, and he rolled his eyes.

“And my ma says it’s rude to show up with empty hands,” he replied, resting his hands in his front pockets.  He had managed to make it home to change after work, and hoped that Barba would take note.  He looked pretty good, if he said so himself.

Barba entered the living room again, handing Carisi a glass of wine as he motioned to the couch.  “I’m glad you could make it tonight,” he said as he sat next to Carisi.  “There were a few things I wanted to talk with you about.”

Carisi took a sip of the wine and nodded.  “Oh, like how you resigned from the DA’s office on Friday, effective immediately?” he asked, trying to lessen the anger in his tone, but knowing his cheeks were flushing.  “What the hell, Rafael?  Do you know how upset Liv is?  I swear, at one point today she was holed up in her office crying.”   He didn’t know if that’s what she was really doing, but he was fairly certain that if she hadn’t yet, she would soon enough.

Barba had the decency to wince at that thought.  “I know that my resignation… surprised some people today,” he said quietly. “But honestly, it was the right thing to do.  I was going to wait until after dinner for this, but we might as well get to it now.”  Reaching for a three-ring binder on the coffee table that he’d assembled himself, Barba handed the book to Carisi.  “I need you to look at that.  Take as much time as you need.”

Surprised, Carisi looked from Barba’s face to the binder and back a few times, then opened the binder up.  It was divided into sections, some with more information than others, and each section was labeled.  “Diagnosis”, “Symptomatology”, “Medications”, “Strategies”, “Home Care”, and “Hospice Care” were labeled thus far, and there was room to add other sections.

“What is this?” Carisi asked, glancing up at Barba before flipping to the first section, the one labeled Diagnosis.

Rafael finished drinking a large bit of his wine before setting the glass back on the table.  “It’s what is going on with me, Carisi,” he explained as though it should be clear.  “It’s the reason I left the DA’s office; it’s my diagnosis.  I’m terminal, Sonny.  I have a brain tumor.”

Sonny’s head moved up and down multiple times, looking from Rafael’s face back to the binder in his hands.  Reading the top of the first page, it appeared to be a report from his doctor, dated Friday.  He’s gathered this much information since Friday?, Sonny thought, then focused again on the papers in front of him.  The first paragraph appeared to summarize what was going on.

The tumor is approximately one inch in diameter and is pressing on the hippocampus and surrounding areas of the limbic system.  Mr. Barba can expect to continue to experience migraine headaches of increasing pressure, memory loss and confusion, and eventual loss of language.  This condition is terminal and it is estimated the patient has approximately six months before his condition will no longer be compatible with life.  It is recommended that Mr. Barba find a round the clock caregiver as soon as possible; it is likely he will need this care within weeks.

Copies of scans, notes, lab reports, and summaries of visits were included on the following pages.

Flipping through, Sonny took a look at a page entitled “Timeline”.  It appeared to be photocopied from a book, and outlined some of what a patient might expect over the last six months of life with this diagnosis.  Carisi found himself swallowing multiple times, fighting back against the .  uncomfortable tightness in his throat and dampness in his eyes.  Glancing up at Barba he offered an awkward smile, then took the handkerchief the other man kindly held out to him.  “It’s okay, Sonny.  Trust me, I cried a lot this weekend, myself, trying to come to terms with this.”

Sonny slowly closed the binder.  “I’m so sorry, Rafael.  I don’t know what to say.”  He set the binder on the coffee table, unable to look any further.  

Rafael nodded.  “It’s a lot to take in.  And so is what I’m about to ask of you, Sonny.”  Letting out a slow breath, Rafael closed his eyes and forced himself to speak.  “As you can see, I’m going to continue to experience more and more painful headaches and my memory is going to get worse.  I’ll eventually grow confused and may lose my ability to speak.  It’s possible I’ll have bouts of nausea, or grow weak.  I may even have seizures.”  He stopped for a moment, seemingly struggling with his next words.  “My doctor insists that I need a caregiver immediately, to make sure I’m safe at home.”  He stopped again, then opened his eyes, looking straight at Sonny.  “I should only need someone for ninety days,” he said calmly and clearly.  “After ninety days, I will be moving to a hospice center.  I realize the logical choice for a caregiver right now would be my mother, but I cannot find it in me to ask her to do this…to watch me lose any dignity I still have…”   He closed his eyes again quickly, shaking his head.  “I know that by comparison, assisting you with bar preparation is nothing like this.  But is there any way you could find it in your heart to help me?  You might have to take a leave from your position with the squad, but I will pay you for your time–”

“Yes,” Sonny heard himself say.  “Of course I will, Rafael.”  As he heard the words and felt his mouth move, Sonny found that he meant it completely.  If he was honest, he cared a lot about the man next to him.  Losing him was a thought that he couldn’t even start to process yet.  At least this way, they still had time.

Rafael’s eyes flew open, wide and surprised.  “You will?” he asked, sounding as though he could hardly believe Sonny’s answer.  “Are you sure?  Do you need to think about it?”

Sonny shook his head.  “I don’t need to think about anything.  I want to help however I can.”  Pausing, he reached over and touched the edge of the binder, close to Rafael’s hand.  “So tell me how I can help tonight.”

Rafael gave Sonny a grateful smile, then reached the extra few inches to squeeze his hand.  Letting out a laugh as his eyes filled with tears, Rafael let go of Sonny’s hand and stood.  “Why don’t we come up with ideas over another glass of wine?” he asked, heading into the kitchen with their glasses.

Chapter Text

He’d been surprised at how willing Carisi ( no, he reminded himself, it’s Sonny ) had agreed to help him.

Granted, he knew the younger man was grateful to him for his assistance as Sonny prepared to take the bar exam.  And yeah, he wasn’t completely blind to the fact that Sonny had a bit of a—what would you call it?--- crush on him.  It was something he and Liv had quietly joked about in the privacy of her apartment as they drank and processed the issues with their jobs.  Still, he’d never anticipated that Sonny would agree so quickly, so readily, to give up his life for the next three months to help his sorry ass.

But he did, and come morning, Sonny began to move the things he’d need into Rafael’s guest bedroom, on the opposite side of the living room.  Rafael’s apartment might have been small, but the layout was ideal.  His master had an ensuite and was on the left side of the living room; on the right side, there was a short hallway that led to the guest room/home office, a laundry closet, and a full bath.  The kitchen was on the left upon entering the apartment, and a small table fit comfortably on the right.  

“Are you sure it’s okay for me to put my things in this bathroom?” Sonny asked.  “I don’t want to take up all your extra space…same with this bedroom.  You’ve obviously been using this as your office…”

Rafael, who was moving sheets and towels around to make more room for Sonny’s things, laughed.  “Carisi, do you really think I’m going to be using my home office now?”

“It’s Sonny now, remember?” Sonny corrected him.  “If I’m gonna live here and help you out, you can call me by my first name…and I don’t know, Rafael.  Maybe you’ll still do a little work over the next month or so.”

“I think that ship has sailed,” Rafael told him, “Sonny.”

By Tuesday night, Sonny had moved the majority of what he felt he’d need into Rafael’s apartment, and he’d also scheduled a time to meet with his lieutenant the next day.  As they sat down to eat dinner, he mentioned that he would need to go in the next day for an hour or so, and why.

“I don’t know how she’ll handle me taking extended leave like this,” Sonny pondered, “but hopefully she’ll be understanding, especially since it’s you.”

Rafael slowly set down his wine glass.  “Um, I haven’t told her yet,” he confessed.

Sonny’s fork froze halfway to his mouth.  “You told me before you told Liv?” he asked, eyes wide.  “Uh, you may need to break it to her before I talk to her, Rafael.”

Rafael was quiet, continuing to eat as though Sonny hadn’t spoken.  It was clear that he did not want to broach the subject with his friend, but without her knowing, Sonny couldn’t see how she could possibly understand and approve his time off.  “Rafael?” he said again.  “Do you think you could call her tonight and let her know?”

“Over the phone?” Rafael asked, frowning, then shaking his head.  “No, I can’t do that, Sonny.” Rafael’s eyes stayed focused on his plate.  The thought of telling Liv that he would be dead in a matter of months was not something he was looking forward to, and to do it over the phone seemed especially cruel.  Still, he knew Sonny was right.  “Look, I’ll try to go with you in the morning, okay?  Maybe we can talk to her together.”

Sonny breathed a sigh of relief.  “Yeah? That’s great, Rafael.  That’s real good,” he told the other man, digging back into his dinner.  It took a couple of minutes before he realized Rafael had stopped eating and was holding his head with one hand.  “You okay?” he asked, worried.  “Are you gettin’ a headache?”

“Yeah, the start of one,” Rafael told him quietly. 

“Okay, uh…where’s your headache meds? I’ll get ‘em for you.”  

“In the upper cabinet, next to the fridge.  Lower shelf.”

Sonny stood and quickly went to the cabinet.  When he opened it, he found multiple pill bottles.  “Do you know which one of these it is?” he asked, and fortunately, Rafael knew the name of what he was now taking.  Sonny plucked it from the cabinet, read the directions, and opened the bottle, taking two pills from it.  Putting the cap back on, he set it back in the cabinet and brought the pills to Rafael.  “Here you are.  Do you need a glass of water for these?” 

“Yes, please.”

Sonny pulled a glass from the cabinet, filled it with ice, then poured water from the pitcher in the fridge.  “Here you go.  Need anything else while I’m up?”

Rafael shook his head.  “No, I’m good.  Thank you, Sonny.”

After Rafael took his medication, he carried his plate to the sink and lay it there.  “I’m going to bed early,” he told Sonny quietly.  I’ll see you in the morning.  I’ll be ready by nine…it’s nine that we’re going, right?”

Sonny nodded.  “Yeah, she’s expecting us at nine-thirty.  Sure you don’t want me to wake you?”

“No,” Rafael said, “I’m good.  Goodnight, Sonny.”

Sonny watched the other man head into the bedroom, carrying his glass of water with him, and he could sense Rafael’s sadness and apprehension about talking with Liv.  He knew it was something that Rafael was dreading, but he couldn’t see a way around it.  Finishing his own dinner, he carried the rest of the dishes into the kitchen, then set about cleaning up.

*****

Sonny downed the rest of his coffee and checked the clock.  It was inching closer to nine and he still hadn’t seen Rafael, although he’d heard him moving around, getting ready.  He wanted to give the other man as much freedom as he could, but at the same time, they needed to leave soon, and Rafael still hadn’t even had his coffee.  After a minute longer of debate, he finally approached the master bedroom and knocked gently on the door.

“Come in,” he heard, and when he opened the door, he saw Rafael standing in front of his dresser mirror, battling with his tie.  “I don’t know why I can’t seem to get it today!” he said frustratedly.  “I’ve been tying ties for twenty-five years and I suddenly can’t…”  He stopped speaking and pressed his fingers to his eyes, fighting back tears.

“It’s okay, Rafael.  I’ve got it,” Sonny told him gently.  Rafael continued to press his fingers to his eyes as Sonny quickly manipulated the fabric, tying the tie perfectly.  “This is one of my favorites of yours,” he murmured as he finished tying.  “You have such beautiful ties.  I’ve always been jealous.”

Rafael sniffed, lowering his hands and softly smiling.  “Yeah?” he asked.  “I like this one too.”  Sonny handed him a kleenex from the box on the dresser and Rafael wiped his eyes.  “I’m ready now,” he told Sonny.  “Do we have time for my coffee?”

“Two minutes,” Sonny told him, checking his watch, and Rafael hurried past him.

“Oh, that’s plenty of time.”  A minute later, Rafael had his travel mug in hand, ready to head out the door.  “See?  Told you.”

Sonny grinned.  “That you did,” he admitted, closing and locking the door behind them as they headed toward the elevator.

*****

They were sitting in Liv’s office, just she and Rafael, on her office couch.  Sonny had excused himself for a few moments to give them some privacy.  

Liv reached over and took Rafael’s hand in hers.  “What is going on, Rafa?” she asked, brown eyes wide and worried.  “I mean, you’ve resigned, you haven’t returned my calls or texts, and now you’re here with Sonny…I’d think the two of you were running off to elope or something,” she tried to tease, but as he smiled, his eyes filled with tears.  Liv clutched his hand tighter.  “Tell me,” she urged.

Rafael’s smile began to tremble; he swallowed a handful of times, then cleared his throat.  “I’m dying,” he forced out, making himself look at her.  “You know those migraines I’ve always had?  They’re because of a tumor in my brain.  Apparently, it’s noncancerous, and has been there likely my whole life.  They think it just started growing more in the last year or two, I guess.  Oh honey, don’t cry.”  He reached into his pocket and handed her his handkerchief.  Liv wiped her eyes, then loudly blew her nose.  “You can keep that,” he told her then, grinning, and they both laughed.

“Oh Rafa, I just wasn’t ready for something like this,” she told him, shaking her head.  “How long do they think you have?”

“Six months, maybe,” he answered, “but they’ve already said I need to have a caregiver now.  I’m guessing that in three or four months, I probably won’t be able to care for myself at all.  I mean, this morning, I’d already forgotten how to tie my tie…”  He grabbed a tissue off the end table to wipe his own eyes.  “This whole thing just sucks,” he muttered then.  “It sucks like a tiny hungry baby who’s just finally found his mother’s boob.”

They both laughed; then Liv said, “Or it sucks like a brand new dyson when you’ve been using a twenty dollar vacuum from goodwill.”

They laughed again together, feeling the closeness of their friendship.  “I hate to admit this, Liv,” Rafael said, “but I can’t relate at all to what you just said.”

They both laughed then, louder and harder, until their eyes filled with tears again, and they wrapped their arms around one another.  Finally, Liv sniffled and asked, “And Sonny is here for moral support?”

They untangled from their hug, and Rafael took Liv’s hand in his own.  “No,” he replied.  “He’s, uh…he’s agreed to be my caregiver for the next ninety days, if possible.  After that, I plan to go into hospice care.”

Liv reached toward him, running her thumb over the tracks of a random tear.  “Oh Rafa…I’m so not ready for this.”

He squeezed her hand.  “Well luckily, it’s not happening today.”

*****

“Rafael told me that you’ve volunteered to care for him over the next ninety days,” Liv said, taking a seat behind her desk.  Sonny was already seated opposite her, in the chair on the other side.  “Carisi, I know you have a lot of respect for him, but are you sure you’re up to this?”

“I’m sure,” Sonny immediately replied, face set with an expression that allowed little doubt.  “Look, Liv…Barba gave me a huge amount of support over the last year, and he didn’t have to. And before you say it, I know there’s a difference between helping me study for the bar and helping him get through the next few months.  But my ma was a nurse at Mercy for a while, and she was assigned to work on the unit handling neurology.  I talked with her, and what Rafael has goin’ on is similar in some ways to other patients she cared for. She’s volunteered to support me if I need it.  So really, the biggest concern for me is how much I’m causing an issue for you here at the station.”

Liv stared at him for a bit, fingers drumming restlessly on her desk.  “We’ll make it work,” she finally said, giving a firm nod.  “After all, nobody promised us easy, right?”

At that, Sonny’s expression lightened into a smile.  “No, I guess they didn’t.”

“I’ll agree to this under just one condition,” Liv continued.  “That you keep me in the loop and let us know when you need a break.  We’ll work it out to help you–I know that everyone is going to want to support both of you through this.”  Her voice lowered then, grew softer.  “Losing Rafa is going to be hard for all of us.  He’s an integral part of this team, even if he doesn’t always see it that way.”  

Sonny nodded.  “I know he is, and I promise I’ll keep everyone up to speed, Lieu.”

His lieutenant forced a tremulous smile.  “Don’t take this the wrong way, Carisi,” she said with as much strength as she could muster, “but you better.”

Chapter Text

Opening his eyes, Rafael blinked at the early morning light. His alarm hadn’t sounded yet, but he decided to get up anyway.  It never hurt to get started on his day early–in fact, that was in part how he’d been so successful for so long.  Yawning, he sat up and stretched, then reached for his phone.  Surprised to see he had no texts yet, he went ahead and sent a quick one out to Carmen.  The sooner she could update him on his day, the better.

He was half-dressed in his suit when he heard his phone, signifying Carmen had replied.  Rafael let out a sigh.  She was usually much quicker than this, but he knew that with her pregnancy, she was struggling with morning sickness.  He’d tried to ignore the fact she wasn’t as timely as usual, because he knew how hard she tried and how good she was at her job.  Pulling his shirt on and buttoning the sleeves, he headed over to pick up his phone and read the message.

Carmen: Good morning, Rafael.  You resigned from the DA’s office two weeks ago, do you remember?  I believe that Sonny Carisi is there to help you.  Are you alone?  Do you need me to call someone?  

Sinking to his bed, Rafael closed his eyes, watching a myriad of images flash through his brain.  Having headaches.  Forgetting things. Being diagnosed. Telling Sonny. Telling Liv.

His phone beeped again.

Carmen:  Rafael, are you all right?  Are you still with me?

He lay the phone down on the bed next to him, feeling overwhelmed with loss.  He had no job, no spouse or children, nothing.  What was he supposed to do now?

There was a knock on his bedroom door around the same time that his phone began to ring.  “Come in,” he called as he picked up his phone.  Just as he thought–Carmen.  Good to know he still was aware of some things in his world.

Sonny opened the door.  “Hey, Rafael.  Carmen called me and thought you might need my help.  You okay?”

The phone stopped ringing, then started again, and he looked at Sonny.  “I’m okay.  It’s her…here.”  He held the phone out, and Sonny took it and answered.

“Hello?  Hey Carmen.  Yeah, he’s okay.  Thanks for the heads up–I’ll take it from here.  Yeah, I’ll tell him.  Sure, you’re welcome any time.  Thanks, doll.  Bye.”  Hanging up, he handed the phone back to Rafael.

“You call my paralegal ‘doll’?” he asked, raising an eyebrow.

Sonny snorted.  “Apparently I do,” he replied, resting his hands on his hips.  He was already dressed, wearing a pair of jeans and an attractive, navy-colored henley.  “Thought I’d cook this morning, if it’s all the same to you. Is there anything you’d prefer for breakfast?”

Biting back the frustration of a million emotions, Rafael forced himself to answer.  “Eggs are fine.  Or a bagel, if it’s easier…whatever is best for you, Carisi.  That’s fine.”  Shaking his head, he corrected himself.  “Sonny, I mean.  I meant Sonny.”

Feeling Sonny’s eyes focused on him, Rafael prayed the man would just accept his answer and leave.  After a moment, Sonny did just that, nodding in his direction.  “Okay, I’ll be in the kitchen if you need me,” he replied, turning to leave the room.  “And Rafael, don’t hesitate to call me.  I’m here to help you, okay?”

Rafael forced a smile.  “Sure.”

Once Sonny had shut the door, Rafael yanked his shirt off each arm, popping buttons as he went, before balling it up and throwing it across the room.  “Fucking stupid shit,” he muttered, stomping across the room toward his closet.  Kicking the shirt when he approached it, it tangled on his foot, and he stomped it with his other foot, trying to get it off of himself.  “Goddammit!” he seethed.  “God, yeah, damn you!” he hissed, continuing to battle with the shirt.  “Why the fuck’d You do this to me, huh?  What did I ever do to You?” He collapsed on his bed again, working the shirt off of his foot.  “What, it wasn’t enough to beat me down as a kid, huh?  You had to take everything from me as an adult, too!  Some God you are!”  He threw the shirt to the floor and glared at the ceiling. “Oh, You don’t like how I’m talkin’ to You?  Do something about it!  I dare You!”  Standing up, he threw a fist in the air.  “Go ahead!  You’re such a badass, kill me now!  I dare You!  Just kill me right now, You fucking moronic deity!  I can’t believe I ever prayed to You…” Bursting into angry sobs, Rafael collapsed onto his bed again, face down into a pillow.

He felt incredibly alone.  He’d felt alone throughout his life, but at least he’d had friends to help soften the reality most of the time.  Eddie and Alex were there when he was a kid.  Rita was his other half in law school, and his boyfriend Jacob had been there during his time in Brooklyn.  He and Olivia had grown close over the last several years; he’d even thought at different points that he may be in love with her.  But now? Now his relationship with her was just one more thing that had been stolen from him.  One more thing he’d lost in a long string of losses over the years.

His head was pounding, the pain growing worse as he cried.  It was unfair; he couldn’t even express his anger or his sorrow over the situation without being punished for it by the pain.  As he felt the pressure seemingly squeeze his head tighter, he wrapped one arm around, over the top of his head, to press his opposite ear with his hand.  “Fuck,” he groaned through the sobs. No matter what he did, he could find no escape from the pain, until at last there was a firm, massaging pressure on his shoulders.  

He let out a gasp of relief.  Rafael hadn’t realized how tight those muscles had become. For a long time, he relaxed into the feeling of the  massage, loosening the muscles and relieving some of the tension in his head.  It wasn’t until the muscles had been partially relaxed, and the headache slightly subsided, that Rafael realized he wasn’t alone.

For a second, he thought God Himself had come down to comfort him.  But then he heard a voice, soft, yet clearly Staten Island.  “It’s okay, Raf…let it all out.  It’s gonna be okay.”

That’s all it took for him to start to cry harder. “I’m so alone,” he sobbed.  Sonny hummed and rubbed his shoulders gently as he cried, giving him the time he needed to grieve.  “I don’t want to die yet…I don’t want to die…” Rafael repeated desperately, tears and gasps splitting up his sentences.  Sonny lay down next to him, pulling Rafael’s body close, his head snuggled into Sonny’s chest.  Eventually, the sobs quieted to slow sniffles, as Sonny’s hands continued to massage Rafael’s shoulders and back.

“You okay?” Sonny murmured, and he pressed a kiss to Rafael’s forehead before he realized what he’d done.  But Rafael seemed not to notice any inappropriate intimacy, and he continued to try to breathe. He nodded at Sonny.

“Yeah, I’m okay,” he managed, face still buried against Sonny’s chest.  His chin continued to tremble in sadness, but he slowly stopped crying.  He could feel Sonny’s hands rubbing his back and it felt good, better than anything he’d felt in a long time.  

“You’re gonna be okay, Raf,” Sonny repeated, voice quiet but firm.  “I know you’re grieving, and I know you’ve got to be terrified–”

“I thought I still had my life,” Rafael interrupted, wiping at his face.  “When I woke up, I mean. I thought I still had my life. My job, everything.”

Sonny’s hand continued to rub soothing circles on his back.  “I know you did, and I know that had to hurt when you realized you didn’t.  I’m so sorry, Rafi.”

There was a moment of quiet before Sonny felt Rafael snicker against his side.  “Only certain people call me that,” Rafael told him, turning his head so he could see him with one eye.  “Rafi, I mean.  Just my mom and my childhood friends…and Rita.”

Sonny hummed.  “And now me,” he added with a grin.

Rafael snorted.  “You’re pushing it, Carisi.”

“It’s Sonny.”

A slow, affectionate smile came across Rafael’s face.  “Right.”

*****

His morning emotional outburst had worn Rafael out, and after changing his clothes and eating breakfast, he went back to his bedroom for a nap.

Sonny took the time to clean up the kitchen and plan some meals, then he ordered groceries for delivery.  Once that was done, he decided to finish reading through everything the doctor had sent home.  They were due for an appointment tomorrow, his first accompanying Rafael, and he wanted to make sure he understood the situation the other man was currently in.

He was deeply mired in information on the hippocampus and potential symptoms when a loud knock on the door startled him.  “Barba!” a woman’s voice nearly yelled from the other side.  “You better open this door up right now, tumor or no–you hear me?  You don’t and a tumor is going to be the least of your concerns!”

Sonny had the sneaking suspicion as to who was on the other side, and one glance through the peephole confirmed his guess.  “Ms. Calhoun,” he said calmly as he opened the door.  “What a pleasant surprise.”

Rita stormed past him into the living room, not even waiting for him to open the door fully.  Turning around, she angrily met his gaze.  “Of course YOU would know what’s going on,” she snapped, setting two cups of coffee down on the end table and beginning to unfasten her jacket.  “Where is he? And why am I hearing from Carmen that he’s resigned due to a brain tumor? What the hell is that about?”  She yanked her coat off, then stood in front of Sonny, breathing so hard he could see her body move.  Looking at her expression, Sonny could read that the anger was a cover.  This woman was terrified—terrified for her friend.

“Sit down,” he said gently, nodding to the couch, and he took a seat in the recliner next to it.  Slowly, Rita settled herself, then looked at him again.  “I’m sorry,” he began gently.  “I thought he must have told you by now–”

She barked a laugh.  “Do you know Rafael Barba at all?” she asked, then reached up to wipe the tears from her eyes.  Sonny grabbed the box of tissues and handed them to her.

“If it makes you feel any better, Carmen only knows because he resigned,” Sonny clarified.  “I know because he asked me to care for him, probably because he knew I owed him for his help with the bar.  The only person I know he’s actually told is Liv, and that was only because I needed to take three months off.”

At that, Rita’s face fell in shock.  She began to cry in earnest.  “He only has three months?”

“No!” Sonny exclaimed, moving to the couch next to her and wrapping an arm around her back.  “No, no…that’s only how long he’s asked me to help for now,” he tried to explain as he patted her back.  “For some reason, he seems to think he’ll be ready for hospice care at that time.  His doctors have given him six months, for now–”

“Well, thank God!” Rita responded sarcastically.  “Six months is so much better, especially if he’ll be in hospice care!”  She brought the tissue to her face and continued to cry as Sonny tried desperately to comfort her with little success.  

“Rita?” he heard as the woman continued crying, and Rafael rounded the corner into the living room.  “Ree?  What’s going on?”

“What’s going on?” she snapped at him, then took a swing at him, barely missing.  Rafael jumped in surprise.  “You didn’t tell me you’re dying, you asshole!  How could you not tell me something like that, Rafi?”

He sank to the couch next to her.  “Hey…hey…” he murmured, tugging gently at her arms, and she easily collapsed against him.  Rafael wrapped his arms around her, rocking them both back and forth slowly.  “Shh now…hush, sweetheart.  It’s all going to be just fine, I promise.  Shh.”

Sonny stood up, watching the scene unfolding on the couch.  He thought back to a few hours prior, when Rafael was falling apart in his arms.  Now he was the one comforting one of his closest friends, with a sense of calm and peace about him.

When Sonny was fifteen, his nonni passed suddenly in her sleep.  It had been devastating to him; he’d been as close to her as any grandson could be.  The only other person who might’ve been just as close was his younger sister Bella.  

Sonny had spent the first hours after her death crying in his room, away from his family, until he heard his little sister come bounding through the front door.  She’d been at soccer practice and didn’t know yet.  As he suddenly realized his pop was breaking the news, Sonny wiped his tears on his shirt and raced down the stairs to his sister.  Bella was already crying, and Sonny wrapped his arms around her tightly, staying as calm as he could.  “It’s gonna be okay, Bells,” he told her with a peace he didn’t feel.  But he knew Bella’s peace and reassurance was more important right then than his own. 

And as he watched the friends huddled tightly on the couch, Rafael’s soft timbre soothing Rita’s tears, he couldn’t help but love the other man a little bit more.

*****

Rita stayed for most of the day.  Once she was no longer pressed against Rafael’s side, the two headed back to his bedroom, closing the door behind them, and Sonny tried once again to read the material from the doctor.  In the early evening, the three ordered takeout and ate together in front of the TV, Rita occasionally stealing fries from Rafael’s meal as he helped himself to her onion rings.  Sonny couldn’t help but notice the affectionate smile Rita gave every time one of her onion rings disappeared.

Around ten, she sighed and sat up from her position leaning against Rafael on the couch.  “I need to go,” she said quietly, then cupped Rafael’s face gently with one hand.  “Got that case tomorrow, y’know?  And sorry, but your squad doesn’t have a chance without you there.”

Rafael smirked at her.  “Yeah, life sucks,” he replied, before leaning over and kissing her quickly on the lips.  “I’ll see you this weekend, then?”

“Yeah, I guess so,” she returned, standing to grab her coat from Sonny, who had picked it from the rack and held it open. “Unless you decide to go crazy on me and, you know, miraculously heal.”  Shooting him a sharp glare, she said, “You know I expect nothing less.”

Rafael stood to walk her to the door.  “You’re going to be one disappointed lady one of these days, Calhoun,” he teased, smiling.  He opened the door as she stood there, hesitating to leave.

“Fuck you, Barba,” she chuckled back, fighting against her tears.  “I love you, you asshole.”

Rafael’s smile softened.  “I love you too, Ree,” he whispered, then pressed another kiss to her lips.  “I’m not going anywhere.  At least, not yet.”  Kissing her forehead, he added, “Be good.”  She winked at him, then headed down the hall, and he closed and locked the door.

Sonny stood a few feet away, unsure of what to do.  Rafael’s head was pressed against the closed front door, and Sonny knew he had to be exhausted.  He debated about asking the man if there was a way he could help, but before he could speak, Rafael let out a sigh and turned to face him.  “I’m going to bed, if it’s all the same to you,” he said tiredly.  “I know we have Dr. Ellory at eleven tomorrow morning.  I’d like to leave by ten-thirty if that’s all right with you.”

Sonny nodded.  “Of course.  That’s fine,” he replied.  “I’ll see you in the morning.”

Rafael gave him a half smile, then made his way to his bedroom, and Sonny heard the door shut.  Exhausted himself, he set about finishing the cleanup from dinner before finally going to bed himself.

Chapter Text

As Sonny entered the kitchen the next morning, Rafael was already up and dressed (appropriately this time–in nice jeans and a very attractive maroon-colored henley, NOT that Sonny was noticing).  He stood by the coffeemaker, pouring himself a cup, and Sonny yawned.

“Thought I might have to wake you up today,” Rafael said, smirking.  “You want a cup?”

“Yes please.”  Sonny watched as the other man poured him a generous cup of coffee, then set about fixing it with milk and sugar, exactly how Sonny took it.  Impressed, he grinned.  “I didn’t know you knew how I took my coffee.”

Rafael snorted.  “Why wouldn’t I? We worked together for two years, and during your bar studies I had plenty of time to practice.”  Handing Sonny his cup, Rafael took a seat next to him.  “The memory thing yesterday…I’m finding it comes and goes.  Makes me wonder if that tumor is rolling around in there or something.”

Sonny chuckled.  “Yeah, I don’t think it works that way,” he replied, hiding another yawn.  “What can I get you for breakfast?”

Rafael took a long look at him.  “Dominick, you’re not here to wait on me hand and foot.  As much as I may have enjoyed that at some point, the whole reason you’re here is in case I’m having a rough day, you can help me remember and get back on track.  Watch my meds, remind me if I forget, and sure, if I look like I'm about to burn the house down, then stop me.  But otherwise?  I don’t expect you to prepare my meals three times a day.”

Sonny shrugged, then stood and headed to the refrigerator.  “I was just askin’ because I was gonna make somethin’ for me to eat.  But suit yourself.”  Pulling out the carton of eggs and the bacon, he began to prepare his breakfast.

After a couple of minutes, he heard Rafael’s voice from his seat at the table.  “Since you’re already going to the trouble, would you mind scrambling me up a couple of those?  Also, maybe a couple slices of bacon to go with…”  There was a short pause.  “And two slices of toast, if you don’t mind.  Bread’s in the breadbox.”

Sonny smirked to himself, as he began to whisk the four eggs he’d already cracked into the bowl–two for him and two for Rafael.

*****

“Nice building,” Sonny commented as they entered the building that housed the neurologist.  He was right; it was in a new office complex near Mercy hospital and had all the bells and whistles.  They passed a large fountain that circled a tree (a live one!) in the lobby, heading to the glass elevators.  

“I hope you don’t get motion-sick,” Rafael remarked as he pressed the button for the fifth floor.  “This elevator tends to move pretty—”

Before he could finish, they’d been swooped up to the fifth floor and Sonny was bent at the knees, clinging to the handrail behind him.  “I think my stomach is still in the lobby,” he said shakily, trying to get his feet under him.  Rafael held the door open for an extra minute as Sonny managed to catch his breath and get out.

They entered a large office and Rafael approached one of five check-in areas.  “Hi Alina,” he greeted the young secretary, just as he’d done before.  “Just here to check in.”

The young woman smiled at him warmly.  “Mr. Barba, correct?” she asked, and at his nod, she handed him a clipboard with paperwork attached.  “It’s good to see you again, sir.  Dr. Ellory would like for you to start on this paperwork, but she said to tell you it’s okay if you can’t get it done before you’re called back.”

“Okay, thank you.”  Taking the clipboard, he slowly meandered back to where Sonny was seated and took a seat next to him.  “I’m supposed to start this paperwork,” he murmured to Sonny.  “It looks like it’s information about my caregiver…so they can share everything with you, I guess.  HIPAA and all that.”

The two quietly worked together, heads bent over and nearly touching, recording Sonny’s contact information.  Rafael was signing the form when they heard his name.  Carrying the clipboard, they both headed to the nurse in the doorway.

The nurse was as tall as Sonny, with dark skin and navy scrubs.  “Hey there, Mr. Barba,” he greeted, as though they were old friends.  “I don’t think we met before.  I’m Jamie, Dr. Ellory’s nurse. Come on back and let’s get your vitals.”

After weighing him, Jamie took them back to an exam room and took his temperature and blood pressure, then glanced at Sonny.  “You getting these numbers down?” he asked, and surprised, Rafael turned to look at his caregiver.

The other man had pulled out his phone and was quickly typing in information. “I got his weight and temp,” Sonny replied.  “Could you repeat his blood pressure one more time?”

“Sure.  It’s 135/83,” the nurse answered.

Rafael half-smiled as he turned to Sonny.  “It’s always high…has been since I was thirty-five.”

Jamie left the room with directions for Rafael to change into the hospital gown he’d handed him.  Sonny stepped outside while Rafael changed; Jamie approached him a minute later.  “I see he’s changing independently. Was he able to complete the questions on the clipboard, or did he need help?” he asked, jotting a few things down in Rafael’s file.

“He completed it,” Sonny told him.  “I just gave him the information, because he didn’t know it offhand.

“Is it in his phone?” the nurse asked, and when Sonny hesitated, Jamie smiled kindly.  “Mr. Carisi, it’s okay to tell us any changes you’re seeing.  That’s part of what we’re noting while he’s here.  It’s terrific that he was able to complete the form himself, even if he’s not as resourceful as he may have been a month or two ago.  Beginning next visit, Dr. Ellory will ask you to complete your own paperwork, recording any changes you’ve seen and questions you may have.  We’re here to help Rafael any way we can, and that often means helping you, too.”

Feeling a bit relieved, Sonny exhaled.  “He’s gotten dressed and undressed most of the week just fine, but he did have trouble one day,” he shared then.  “As for the form, no, he didn’t think to use his phone.  I wondered about that, but thought maybe it was just easier for me to tell him.”

When Dr. Ellory arrived, Sonny was back in the exam room, in an extra chair.  He was waiting for Rafael to return from the testing that Jamie had wheeled him down for.  Dr. Ellory opened the door, and Jamie wheeled Rafael back into the room.  “Ah,” the doctor said, smiling at Sonny, “you must be Sonny Carisi.”

He smiled.  “Yes ma’am,” he replied, shaking her hand.  Rafael climbed back onto the exam table as she washed her hands.

“So, Sonny, how’s it going with this guy here?” she asked, sitting on her rolling stool and scooting between them.  “He treating you okay so far?”

Sonny forced his smile to keep from fading.  “Of course,” he replied.  “He’s terrific.  As a friend and a boss.”  He shot a wink in Rafael’s direction to keep the mood light.

Rafael rolled his eyes.  “Oh please.  I had to tell him he’s not there to wait on me, hand and foot.  I figure there will be enough of that, later on.”

“Possibly,” the doctor said, testing reflexes and then standing to take a look in Rafael’s eyes.  “Okay, I’ll step out for a minute so you can get dressed, and then we’ll talk.  Sonny, care to join me?”

He followed the doctor into the hallway again.  “Sonny, I’m going to send you home with a lot of information today,” she said, then leaned against the wall.  “I understand that you used to work with Rafael.  Anything you’ve noticed so far that concerns you?”

Sonny had a list in his head.  He hadn’t yet had the heart to write it all down and hadn’t been sure the doctor would even ask him anything.  But if she really wanted to know…

“I guess the most concerning incident so far happened the other day. He’d forgotten he didn’t work anymore and was halfway dressed when his old paralegal returned his text, telling him he’d resigned.  It devastated him.  Also, I guess I thought he’d told people what was happening, but he hasn’t.  One of his best friends was over yesterday.  She had no idea.  I haven’t seen or heard from his mom, and I have the sneaking suspicion he hasn’t mentioned it to her, either.”

Dr, Ellory nodded.  “Telling loved ones about something like this is incredibly difficult,” she mused.  “I’ll talk with him about that when we go back in.  Also, I wanted to make sure that both you and his family knew that we have support groups and counselors to help.  The information will be in the folder I give you today, and I’ll have Jamie grab a separate one for his mom to send home with you.”  She held them up.  “I’m going to give them to you in front of Rafael, just so he doesn’t think we’re hiding anything.  Paranoia can sometimes hit people in these situations, and we don’t want to add to that.”

Sonny nodded. He hadn’t realized how much information he would be receiving at these appointments, and why it was so important for him to attend.  As he followed Dr. Ellory back into the exam room, he made a promise to himself to get some kind of app on his phone that would allow him to record Rafael’s information–and ONLY Rafael’s information–from appointment to appointment, so he could best help his friend.

*****

“What’s in those folders she gave you, anyway?” Rafael asked that night as they ate dinner.  “They look bigger than the one she gave me!”

Sonny rolled his eyes.  “Not really.  I haven’t looked at your mom’s, but mine is just stuff that caregivers should know about people with brain tumors. It’s also got the application for that California medication trial that she gave us to fill out,” Sonny reminded him before stopping to take a sip of his soup. “Then there’s the stuff for your ma, when you talk with her tomorrow.”

Sonny had never been so thankful for a doctor overstepping as he’d been that afternoon.  To no one’s surprise, Rafael had not told his mother.  “It’s going to devastate her,” he explained, voice rough.  “She lost her mother last year.  I’m all she has left, and I just…I haven’t had it in me to break her heart like that yet.”

Dr. Ellory lay a hand over his.  “I know this is going to be very, very hard.  For both you and your mother, Rafael.  But if you were in her situation, wouldn’t you want every last day available with your loved one?”

Rafael’s chin began to tremble and his eyes welled with tears as he hung his head, feeling  guilty.  “I’ll, uh…I’ll invite her over tomorrow and tell her,” he agreed, and they discussed ways to bring up the topic. Rafael asked Sonny if he’d be willing to hang around, just in case, and Sonny had agreed.  He didn’t know exactly what “just in case” entailed, but he was certain Rafael’s mother would be a source of support he needed.

Dr. Ellory had reviewed the information from Rafael’s last scans taken a few weeks back.  The tumor had grown slightly, and was definitely pressing against the part of his brain that managed his memory.  That was no surprise.  But then she’d shared the most exciting information of the afternoon.  There was a new med trial out of the University of California, for an investigational drug that was showing promise in shrinking tumors like Rafael’s.  Dr. Ellory needed to get Rafael’s consent to apply for him to be in the trial.  They were to complete the application, make sure Rafael read and understood it, and have him sign before bringing it back.  “It won’t make the tumor disappear,” Dr. Ellory explained, “but it may shrink it enough to prolong your life and slow the damage it causes.”

They both understood that everything about Rafael’s illness was a race against time, so Sonny had promised the doctor he’d bring the form back the next morning.  She planned to fax it in as soon as she got it, and hoped that if Rafael was accepted in the trial, he’d be flying to California in a few days.

“So tell me what I need to understand about this trial,” Rafael requested after dinner as they sat on the couch, having a glass of wine.  It was a new routine they were starting, wine on the couch after dinner, and it seemed to relax them both.  “I read it after we got home, but just to be sure I didn’t miss anything…”

“I’m pretty sure you didn’t,” Sonny replied.  He’d also reviewed the paperwork directly after Rafael finished reading it. “Most of it’s a lot of ‘don’t sue us if it doesn’t cure you’ stuff.  The important things you need to know are that it’s a trial, so the medicine hasn’t passed all the tests by the FDA yet.  That also means it may not help you, and could actually worsen your condition or even cause death.” Sonny picked up the form, scanning it. “ You also may have some side-effects,  including headaches, vertigo, nausea, vomiting, diarrhea…” He turned the paper over and sighed as Rafael bit back a smirk.  “Memory loss, fatigue, confusion, hair loss–”

“Yeah, yeah,” Rafael interrupted.  “Dangerous to people with skin.  Move it along, Carisi, or I’ll be dead before I’m accepted in the trial.”

Sonny shot him a glare.  “Trial participants will be assigned one of two groups.  One group will receive the trial medication; the other will receive a placebo.  Participants must agree to take the trial medication as directed.” Looking at Rafael, Sonny lay the paper down.  “That’s it.  What do you think?”

Rafael was already reaching for the paper.  “I think I’ll be dead if I don’t try it, so it’s worth the risk,” he muttered, grabbing a pen.  A moment later, he’d signed his name and was handing the document back to Sonny, who immediately stood to tuck it into the information folder the doctor had given him.  “You’re going to take that over tomorrow morning, right?”

“I am,” he replied, before taking a seat on the couch again.  “How are you feeling tonight?”

Rafael smiled.  “A bit better tonight.  The wine after dinner thing seems to help.”  Looking down, he said, “Sonny, I’m sorry about what happened with Rita yesterday.  That was thoughtless of me to do that to her, and to you.  I know I’ve been difficult so far, and I’m sorry for that.”

Sonny sipped his wine, then set his glass down on the table.  “I’m sure you’re aware that you tend to be your own worst enemy,” he said, and Rafael looked away.  “Probably not something you wanna spend a lot of time working on right now, I know, but look, Rafael…I don’t need you to apologize to me over every little thing you do.  I know I’m not a family member or a lover, or even a really close friend…I’m just here to help ease your transition, and I’m okay with that…however that looks or whatever it involves for you.  I just wanna help.”

An awkward silence settled between them as they continued sipping their wine, Rafael looking anywhere but in Sonny’s direction.  Sonny was about to leave the couch and start the dishes when Rafael suddenly spoke.  “I’m not good at accepting help from people,” he said quietly, and Sonny relaxed back into his seat.  “In the past, that’s put me in vulnerable positions…situations that I don’t care to repeat, whether I’m here for a week or a lifetime.”  His eyes focused on his glass and the wine within it, swirling slightly.  “It’s the reason I don’t have a lover to care for me, isn’t it?” he asked.  “I chase everyone away.”

“Not everyone,” Sonny responded, watching Rafael watch his wine.  “Although I will say it’s hard to get in to your world.  You keep people at arm’s length a lot, and you’re good at it.”  

Rafael hummed slightly in response, then took another sip of wine, and Sonny carefully ventured forward with the conversation.  “Y’know, if I could make one wish for you in your next life?  I’d wish that you’d see how much people want to get to know you, and see that as an opportunity, instead of something to fear or dread.” 

Hearing that confession, Rafael smirked slightly, almost as though he didn’t believe it, and kept his eyes focused on his wine.  Unwilling to let it go, Sonny continued. “You’re such an amazing man…you’re so interesting, Rafi.  I wish…I wish I knew more.”

Rafael’s eyes suddenly darted up to meet his.  “You do?”

Swallowing, Sonny nodded.  “Yeah.  I do. I think about that a lot.”

Rafael lowered his eyes, and Sonny swallowed again, trying to breathe through his nervousness. This was a conversation they should have had months, if not years, ago and Sonny knew they both had avoided it, although probably for different reasons.  He’d never known before that Rafael had wanted him–not for sure, anyway.  He’d certainly never imagined that Rafael didn’t have any idea how incredible he was, but here they were. 

When Rafael next looked up, it was to meet Sonny’s gaze directly.  His empty hand slowly approached Sonny’s face, a gentle touch that he melted into.  “You’re so pretty,” Rafael murmured, his thumb gently stroking Sonny’s cheek.  “So pretty.  You remind me of possibilities.”

Sonny slowly opened his eyes, gazing at Rafael as his heart beat faster in his chest.  He could see Rafael’s eyes start to well with tears again.  “I don’t ever want to hurt you,” the older man whispered, thumb barely touching Sonny’s bottom lip.  “This will hurt you.”

Sonny kissed the thumb resting against his lip.  “This is going to hurt no matter what,” he murmured, gazing at Rafael.  He couldn’t look away.  He didn’t want to.

He could see the struggle in Rafael’s eyes as the other man battled over whether kissing him would be the right thing to do. He could sense Rafael weighing potential regrets against the comfort a relationship might bring either of them.  And as Rafael sat, battling with himself, Sonny gave in to what he’d always wanted but never had the guts to share.

He leaned forward and kissed Rafael, a soft brush of lips at first, and he heard the other man’s breath catch in his throat.  “Sonny,” he murmured, as their lips connected again, and this time Sonny offered a soft, loving stroke of his tongue, tasting Rafael’s mouth.  He felt Rafael relax against him, then Rafael’s hands reached over and gently tugged Sonny closer, not stopping until Sonny’s torso was pressed against his and their tongues were tangled in a soft dance of pleasure.

It was long moments later before they stopped to breathe, foreheads resting together.  “Possibilities,” Sonny whispered then with a smile, and he felt Rafael smile back.  “I like that.”

Chapter Text

Slowly waking, the first realization Rafael had was that he was warm–warmer than usual, in fact.  Almost sweaty, which was odd considering he wasn’t wearing anything…

He opened his eyes, and with memories flooding his brain, rested his hand on top of Sonny’s hand—already resting on his hip.

He’d been hoping for this, for months or possibly even years.  Something about Sonny Carisi caught his attention in all the right ways, and finding out that Sonny felt the same about him had been nothing short of amazing.  Not just a crush or physical attraction.  Sonny had feelings for him…real, honest to God feelings, just like he had for Sonny.

They’d made love the night before sweetly, gently.  Sonny insisted they be face-to-face, so he could watch Rafael’s expressions, hear Rafael’s words.  The thought of Sonny being so enamored with him, of him wanting the very same things Rafael had fantasized about, nearly brought him to tears.  As Sonny moved inside of him, they kissed deeply, and Rafael took the opportunity to whisper every word he’d kept to himself for so long.  “You’re perfect,” he murmured, nipping at Sonny’s earlobe.  “I want to taste you…to touch you everywhere, Dominick…to be the one who gets to do this with you.  The only one, over and over.”  Sonny had let out a soft moan at his words, then kissed him passionately until Rafael’s mind cleared of his worries and filled only with memories worth keeping.

Now that it was morning, Rafael refused to allow regrets to enter his thoughts.  His time was too short, and he’d been given a gift he’d never thought he would receive.  It would be foolish to spend a minute in regret or fear, especially now as he felt Sonny interlace fingers with his own.

A soft kiss was pressed against the side of his head.  “G’morning,” Sonny murmured.  “How are you feeling right now?”

Rolling over to face his new lover, Rafael didn’t even try to tamp down his grin.  “Like life is a lottery, and I won the grand prize,” he admitted, and both of them burst into laughter before losing themselves again in a sweet, sweet kiss.

*****

Finishing the morning dishes, Rafael sighed to himself, then picked up his phone and took a seat on the couch.  Sonny had taken the paperwork to Dr. Ellory’s office, and was due to be back shortly.  His mom had agreed to come over early in the afternoon so they could talk.  He’d already forewarned her that it was a serious conversation.  He wasn’t looking forward to it.

He was halfway through a text to Liv when Sonny opened the front door, and Rafael could hear him chattering away.  At first Rafael thought the man was talking to himself, and maybe they needed two therapists–one for each of them.  But then he realized his mother was behind Sonny, following him into the apartment with a bag from a bakery near her home.  Sonny was also carrying two large shopping bags, and he was all smiles.

“Rafi, look who I ran into in the hallway!” he announced pleasantly, holding the door for Lucia to enter.  “Your mother brought you some meals for the week.”

Lucia handed her bag to Sonny, giving him a friendly wink.  “I met your friend Sonny,” she said as she took a seat next to her son. Leaning in for a hug, she asked, “How are you doing, mijo?”

Rafael embraced her.  “I’m doing okay, Mami,” he murmured, but the words were tight in his throat, and he knew she could tell even before glancing at her worried expression.  She knew him better than just about anyone in the world, and there wasn’t a point in hiding much from her.  Waiting until they were in the same room to break the news had been incredibly difficult; he knew he couldn’t put it off much longer.

“Would either of you like one of these cookies that Lucia brought over?” Sonny asked, bringing a plate of the cookies into the living room.  Upon seeing their expressions, he paused, plate in hand. “Or maybe I could get you guys a drink–we have beer and wine, but I know Rafi also has scotch and tequila on hand.  Lucia?”

Lucia smiled at him as she held her son’s hand.  “Actually, Sonny, would you mind giving me and my son a few moments to talk privately?”

Sonny was already putting the plate on the table in front of them and backing away.  “No problem, Lucia.  It was very nice to meet you.  Rafi, I’ll be in my room if you need anything, okay? Just give me a call.”  He waved at them with a grin.  “Bye.”

“His room?” Lucia repeated with a curious look, then smiled.  “Well, he seems to be a nice one, papi…and he’s a looker, if I say so myself!  Good for you–”

“Mami!” Rafael elbowed her gently in the side.  “I can’t believe you just said that!”

She grinned at him.  “Which part?”

Rafael shook his head, letting out a soft laugh of his own. He knew she was lightening the mood the best she could.  Obviously, he read her well, but sometimes forgot that she read his moods just as accurately.  From what he’d learned, that tended to happen when you were trauma bonded at an early age. 

He loved his mother deeply and couldn’t remember a time he hadn’t.  They’d always been incredibly close–some would say too close–but he never let that bother him. He’d always thought of them as a team–a Batman and Robin, a Lois and Clark, a Thelma and Louise. She’d been just a teenager when she’d married Miguel Barba, a man nearly twice her age, believing that love conquered all. Rafael had arrived just before their first wedding anniversary, a gift he eventually came to believe his father never wanted.  The pain and frustration of Miguel’s mistakes were often borne by his wife and son, and both had scars to prove it. 

Lucia had learned a lot of hard lessons over the years, with her son by her side during most of them.  She’d done her best to protect him. Sometimes she failed spectacularly, but he never held that against her.  The failures, in the end, were small compared to the inordinate amount of love she’d given him, and the faith she’d shown him–she’d always believed in him, even when he didn’t believe in himself.  The thought of leaving that, of leaving her, was possibly the most painful loss of all.

They’d been sitting quietly as he tried to gather his courage. She was being incredibly patient, he thought, considering the fact that he knew she could sense his pain, his distress. She gently stroked his hair back, just as she’d done so many times when he was a boy. It was an action that always comforted him, growing up.  

“What is it, papito?” she finally asked.  “Tell me, baby.”  That was when he knew he couldn’t hold off anymore.  It was time.

“Mami.”  He sighed her name, and it tasted like sorrow on his tongue.

“My migraines got worse over the summer, and I started to have some issues with forgetting things, mainly at work, so I went to my doctor.  He referred me to the neurologist, like we’d talked about.  Her name is Dr. Ellory–”

“I’ve heard of her,” Lucia nodded, reaching again for his hand.  For some reason, he felt anchored as she held it.  It felt calming.  “She’s supposed to be very good.”

“I think she is,” he replied.  “She ran a lot of tests.  The whole gamut, I think…labs, MRI’s, CT-scans, all of it.  In the end, she found a tumor in my brain.  It’s pressing against the hippocampus, which is part of the memory issues, and it’s growing.  She says it’s non-cancerous–”

“Thank God,” she interrupted, relief flooding her face.  Rafael felt faint.

“But it’s growing, and it’s terminal, Mami.  It’s aggressive and she says I have about six months left.  That’s why Sonny is here…to help if I get confused, or forget my meds, or anything like that…I’m so sorry, Mami…please don’t cry…I’m so sorry…”

She was crying softly, and when he asked her not to, she wrapped her arms around him and squeezed as hard as she could. “Dios mio, no!” she sobbed, pressing him tightly against her.  “I’m not ready to lose my baby!  I’m not ready, God!  Please dear God…please…”

He buried his head against her breast and wept.

*****

“Can I get you anything to eat?” Sonny asked him, sitting on the side of the bed.  

It was late in the evening, and he’d fallen asleep again.  After his mother left, he felt completely drained.  Sonny had helped his mother get a car, then come upstairs and helped him.  His head had been throbbing, so Sonny had given him his medication and helped to massage the areas they’d learned might lessen his headache.  Then he’d pulled back the blankets, and Rafael had climbed into bed.

The afternoon had been heartbreaking.  Watching his mother try to manage the news that he was dying was as awful as he’d imagined it would be.  And  thinking about it afterward hurt in a way he couldn’t put into words.

But Sonny was there.  Sonny had been a hundred percent reliable the entire day.  He’d delivered the forms to Dr. Ellory, helped Lucia into the apartment, and helped her leave when it was time. He’d helped with the migraine and helped Rafael prepare to nap. Even now, late at night, he was gently stroking Rafael’s side, and Rafael closed his eyes to focus on the feeling of being cared for.  Of being cared about , of being touched lovingly.  “I don’t want to eat,” Rafael began, and when Sonny started to frown, Rafael took his hand.  “But I want to be held by you, if you don’t mind.  That’s what I need the most, Sonny…just to feel like someone is here who cares about me.”

Sonny’s hand rose and stroked through his hair, and for just a moment, Rafael was back in his mother’s arms, a little boy surrounded by love.  He let out a soft sigh, and when he looked over, Sonny was smiling at him, something affectionate but determined. “You got it, babe. I’m right here with you,” he whispered, then climbed under the covers and into the bed, wrapping his arms snugly around Rafael’s torso.  “I’m right here.”

Chapter Text

“Thank you,” Sonny told the server, giving his trademark smile as she set down a beer for him and a scotch for Rafael, along with a glass of water for each.  The concierge at the hotel had seemingly steered them in the right direction; he’d given them the address to a small pub with a reputation for great burgers and drinks and a comfortable atmosphere.  They were celebrating Rafael’s birthday, as well as his acceptance into the medication trial.  Looking at Rafael, Sonny flashed him a grin.  “Happy birthday, Rafi.  How are you feeling?”

Rafael grinned back.  “You know, pretty good right now.  I realize there’s no guarantee that I won’t get the placebo, but at least there’s the possibility I’ll get meds that will shrink this thing.”  He took a sip of his scotch.  “This is definitely a birthday to remember.  I just wish I could guarantee that I’ll still remember it a few weeks from now.”

“Well, they gave us a lot of great ideas of how to help with that,” Sonny reminded him, opening up his camera.  “We can start right here, with a photo of the birthday boy!”  

Rafael rolled his eyes, but smirked and held up his drink for the camera.

They’d arrived in California the day before so they’d be able to be on time for the start of Rafael’s  assessment for the study.  It hadn’t been easy, getting up at what was 3 a.m. on the east coast, but they’d done it, and been at the hospital at eight in the morning for the appointment. The assessment had begun with urine and blood tests, then a new MRI and a CT-scan.  After those, Rafael had been given a thorough physical, including a brief eye exam.  Then Rafael and Sonny had participated in a meeting with the lead doctor of the study, Dr. Ahuja, who explained the study’s purpose and what Rafael could expect through the next six months.  Next, there were more papers to complete, then they attended an educational support meeting for people with conditions similar to Rafael’s.  This meeting was what Sonny found to be the most helpful.  The leaders had given them a lot of practical ideas to help extend Rafael’s memory and assist with things he was forgetting.  Finally, at the end of the day, Rafael was given his first dose of the medication, and a nurse dispensed enough for the next thirty days.  At the end of the thirty days, Dr. Ellory would order another MRI and dispense pills for the following month.

The server appeared, setting down their plates of burgers and steak fries.  “This looks amazing,” Rafael said, immediately reaching for a fry.  They’d been provided lunch and snacks throughout the day, but it had been a busy one and he was hungry.  “Of course, I’m also starving, so there’s that,” he noted, taking a bite of the fry.

Sonny chuckled.  “Yeah, me too.”  He pulled his phone out again and took a photo of Rafael eating, and Rafael nearly choked on his fry.

“What, pray tell, are you doing, Dominick?” he asked, arching an eyebrow.

“What they told us to do, remember?” Sonny reminded him.  “I’m documenting our day.  I’ll print it out when we get home so you’ll have a photo album to remind you of today.”  Realizing that Rafael’s eyebrow hadn’t moved, Sonny added, “It’s a special day today, Rafi.  Not only is it the day you started the med trial, but it’s also your birthday.  Correct?”

Rafael shrugged.  “If you say so,” he replied.  Now Sonny’s eyebrow arched, so Rafael sighed and said, “Yes, Sonny.  It’s my birthday.”  Grinning, he added, “Are you going to sing ‘Happy Birthday’ to me?”

Sonny gave him a flirty smile.  “If you want me to.  There’s a few other things I thought I’d do for you as well…if you want me to.  Unless my mouth is too busy singing Happy Birthday.”

Rafael coughed again, then flushed red.  “Promises, promises,” he managed, and Sonny couldn’t help but chuckle.

*****

“Happy birthday to you,” Sonny sang softly, then slipped the tip of Rafael’s cock into his mouth and sucked enthusiastically.

“Oh my God,” Rafael murmured, gripping the sheets on either side of his hips.  This man’s mouth was almost as talented as his own.  Just as his hips began to thrust in rhythm with Sonny’s swallowing, Sonny pulled off, and Rafael moaned.

“Happy birthday to you,” Sonny sang again, then ran his tongue down the shaft and over Rafael’s balls, slowly mouthing as his hand took over pumping the shaft quickly.  Sonny’s tongue was thorough, and Rafael was soon feeling pleasure shoot through his body. As he moved with Sonny this time, Sonny allowed it, occasionally mouthing up the shaft to suck the crown.  As Rafael let out another soft moan, Sonny released the tip again.  “Happy birthday dear Rafi,” he sang again, before nipping one soft inner thigh.

“Carisi,” Rafael ground out, “you know that singing that song was a joke.  It’s not a requirement when there are better things you could be doing with your mouth.”

Sonny grinned and shot him a wink, then swallowed his cock once more, sucking for all he was worth.  The pleasure grew until Rafael couldn’t resist anymore. “Gonna come,” he gasped in warning as he rocked into Sonny’s mouth.  Sonny hung on as Rafael groaned, and had a shuddering climax a moment later.

Rafael sank into the pillow, trying to catch his breath.  He’d just closed his eyes when he heard the final line of the song, sung in Sonny’s offkey tenor: “Happy birthday to you.”.

Sonny flopped next to him on the bed, grinning ear to ear, and Rafael grabbed a pillow and bopped him playfully in the face.  “You’re a dork,” he gasped, still out of breath.

“I’m a dork who gave you the best gift you got this year,” Sonny told him, grin brighter than ever.

Rafael figured there was no sense in arguing the obvious.  “Touche,” he replied with a yawn, then  curled up against his lover.  Sonny wrapped himself around the other man, and the two settled down to sleep.

Chapter Text

“How’s your head feeling?” Sonny asked, already knowing the answer wouldn’t be good.

Rafael had been snippy all morning, and was having trouble remembering a lot of small bits of information.  This was by far his worst day yet; he’d asked Sonny twice already why he was here, and didn’t he need to go back to work.  Sonny had made a point to have Rafael review the scrapbook they’d been working on, and that seemed to help a little.  Rafael seemed more able to accept Sonny’s answers, but it was still upsetting to see him so confused by what he’d always understood until now.  Plus, it was clear he was in tremendous pain and having trouble processing his own thoughts.

Lucia had requested that Sonny call her if Rafael was having a rough day, so he did.  She’d answered immediately, and promised to be there that evening, unless Sonny felt it would be more upsetting for her to come.  “I think it may help if you’re here, but I don’t know,” Sonny told her honestly.  “I’m guessing his headache is pretty bad today, because he’s really in a bad mood.”  They talked about how Sonny could call her sooner if Rafael asked to speak to her, but so far he hadn’t.

“It hurts like a motherfucking bitch,” Rafael nearly growled, holding his head between his hands.  Sonny mentally reviewed the ideas he’d learned in the educational support group they attended.  However, most of those ideas were only helpful if the patient was feeling well enough to fully participate in an activity.  Sonny saw no point in trying to have Rafael do anything but rest; he was in too much pain.  “Could I make you a cup of tea?” he asked, and Rafael glared at him.

“Carisi, only you  would be dumb enough to ask if you can make me tea when my head is about to fragment into a million pieces.  No, I don’t want your fucking tea!  Get me my excedrin.  Don’t tell me you don’t know where that is…you say you’re here to help take care of me and you don’t know where my goddamn Excedrin is?”

There was no more Excedrin.  Dr. Ellory had recommended that all medications that were not prescribed to Rafael be disposed of, especially over-the-counter meds, and they’d done that weeks ago.  Instead, Sonny grabbed one of the prescription migraine pills designed to lessen the pain.  Pouring a glass of water, he handed both to Rafael, who stared at the pill as though it were an illegal drug.

“What the fuck is this?” he snapped, staring at the pill.  “This isn’t Excedrin.”

Sonny cleared his throat, praying that Rafael wouldn’t challenge him, and calmly replied, “You’re right.  It’s a new one.  Your doctor prescribed them for you.”

“What doctor?”

“Dr. Ellory.”

Rafael narrowed his eyes.  “Are you sure?” he asked.  “Why are you here instead of Liv?”

“Would you like to talk to Liv?” Sonny asked.  “Ask her if it’s the right pill?”

Rafael rolled his eyes.  “Are you stupid? She’s way too busy saving the city to take a call like that.”  Tossing the pill into his mouth, he swallowed a good deal of water, then put the glass down and leaned back against the couch.  

“My head hurts so much,” he murmured a few minutes later.  “This isn’t normal.”  Opening his eyes and looking at Sonny, he asked, “Carisi, do you think I could be having a stroke?  Should I go to the ER?”

Rafael’s eyes were wide and Sonny could see the fear in them.  He took a seat on the couch next to him, careful not to touch him.  “I know you’re not having a stroke, Rafael.  Your doctor says the pill will help if you wait a few minutes, okay?”

He nodded, then leaned his head back against the couch again.  

Sonny made a mental note to call his mom as soon as Rafael lay down for a nap.  Today would definitely be one of those days that he’d need one.  It was only a little after noon, and he was already in so much pain.  Rafael’s sudden confusion today had thrown Sonny for a loop.  He’d managed, but not as well as he felt he should have.  As he was trying to remember more ideas to help Rafael feel secure, the other man slowly opened his eyes and looked at Sonny.  “Will you hold me, babe?” he murmured.  “My head is killing me and I’m just so goddamn tired today.”

Stunned that Rafael now realized who he was, Sonny immediately nodded.  “Of course I will, honey.  Come on, let me help you get into bed…do you need anything to eat first?”

Rafael shook his head.  “No, no…afraid I’ll puke.  Sonny, I’m sorry…”

Sonny helped him to bed, then lay down and held him gently until he fell asleep.  He allowed himself to lay next to Rafael for the next hour, thinking about how much he had already grown to love the man.  Most days, Rafael was still very much like the dynamic attorney Sonny remembered; he was sharp and witty, had a sarcastic sense of humor and was still one step ahead of everyone else.  But every once in awhile, he had a day like today.  A day where he was slower and confused, and the more unsure he was of everything going on around him, the angrier he seemed, and the more his temper seemed to flare.

Sliding out of the bed, Sonny quietly made his way out of the bedroom, leaving the door on a crack in case Rafael called him.  These days, he never knew when Rafael would need him again.

*****

“That all sounds fairly typical,” his mom Sera confirmed a little bit later over the phone, and Sonny sighed.  He felt a tear slowly making its way down his face, and wiped it away.  “Sonny? Sweetheart? Are you still there?”

“Yeah, I’m here, Ma,” he answered quickly, not wanting her to know how upset this was making him.  “So do you have any ideas of ways I can lessen the pain, or help him when it’s like this?  I mean, he was just miserable.  Gripping his head and all…”

“Are you giving him his medication like you’re supposed to?” she asked.

“Well, he started a medication trial, so he’s not supposed to take much other than what they prescribed for the trial.  There’s the trial med, and then one other that’s supposed to help with migraines.  But the other meds he was on, they stopped…”  He read the names of the prescriptions out loud to her.

“And that’s all they have him on?” she asked.  “I’m not surprised he’s in a lot of pain.  That’s the  problem with certain trials.  They have to make sure that whatever happens with their patients is caused by the medication they’re testing, and not by a combination of that medication and others.  So a lot of times, that means that patients end up having a rough experience, especially if they’re receiving the placebo or if the trial medication isn’t very effective.  You should report all of this to his doctor.  You may need to call if it continues.”  There was a pause, then his mother asked, “Sonny, are you sure this job isn’t more than you can handle?”

He was shaking his head no even before he answered her.  “No, Ma.  I’m fine, really.  I toldja how Rafi and I worked together…he was the one who helped me study for the bar.  And he helped Tommy that time, ‘member?  We’re close friends, and it’s a bit hard to watch this happen to someone I care about, but at the same time, I’m glad I get to be here.  He specifically asked me to do this.”

“I know he did, baby, and I know you were flattered, but that doesn’t mean you have to say yes,” his mother replied as Sonny grabbed himself a tissue.  He had been afraid this might happen, but had hoped it wouldn’t.  He knew his mom wouldn’t want him to do something like this, something so emotionally painful, for someone that she didn’t know he was so close to.  “There’s a reason most people hire someone they don’t know to do this kind of work.  You’re not trained for it, and emotionally, it can be devastating.  I just…well, I worry about you, honey.  I know how hard it is to watch someone die.”

Sonny closed his eyes, memories of dying victims flitting through his head.  “I do too, Ma,” he told her gently.  “I’ve watched people die as a detective, too.  Look, thank you for the information you gave me, and I promise I will keep it all in mind, okay?”

Sera sighed.  “Okay, honey.  I love you.  Don’t be a stranger okay?”

“I won’t,” he replied, knowing full well he would probably avoid her for the near future.  “Love you too.  Bye.”

He sat on the couch for several minutes in the quiet, thinking about what his mother had said.  Only recently had he and Rafael admitted the depth of their feelings for one another, and that knowledge felt very unstable, considering Sonny was the only one who remembered it all the time.  For some reason, he’d assumed they would have more time to love one another; he’d have more time to show Rafael exactly how much he cared about him, and more time to bask in Rafael’s love and attention.  He’d known the time would be short, but he still had expected there to be time for their feelings to grow, to mature.  Instead, it seemed he was losing Rafael faster than he’d ever imagined.

He was wiping at his eyes when Sonny heard bare feet padding through the kitchen behind him.  When he looked up, Rafael was standing at the end of the couch, giving him a shy smile.  “Hey,” he greeted Sonny quietly, his mood seemingly much more relaxed.  “Can I sit with you?”

Sonny smiled.  “Sure.”

Rafael rounded the corner of the couch, taking a seat next to Sonny and resting against him.  “I think I was confused before,” he said quietly as Sonny wrapped an arm around him.  “Was I?”

“A bit,” Sonny replied.  “What do you remember?”

“My head hurt horribly,” Rafael said, his head now on Sonny’s shoulder.  “It was hard to think at all…I couldn’t remember who you were.  I mean, I knew you were Sonny Carisi, but I didn’t recall what’s happened between us…was I cruel?  It hurt so much, I couldn’t think.”

Looking at Rafael’s expression, Sonny could tell how embarrassed and ashamed his lover felt at possibly hurting him.  “Oh sweetheart,” Sonny murmured, pulling him closer in a hug, “you couldn’t help it.  You were in so much pain.  I understand that, Rafi, and I’m just so glad you’re feeling better now.”

Rafael snuggled even closer to Sonny, pressing a kiss to his neck.  “I read the scrapbook when I woke up.  It helped me feel more sure of myself in the moment, so thank you, Sonny.”  Reaching up, Rafael traced Sonny’s lips with his finger.  “You are the sweetest man I’ve ever known,” he whispered.  “I wish…I wish we would have more time.”

Feeling a lump in his throat, Sonny swallowed against it.  “Me too, Rafi,” he whispered, holding the other man close.  “Me too.”

Chapter Text

“It’s okay, honey,” Sonny soothed quietly, holding the bucket as Rafael vomited yet again.  “Get it out.  It’s all right.”

Exhausted, the other man swayed as he sat up.  “It’s not,” he managed, barely balancing in the bed.  “I can’t…it won’t…” Ducking his head back into the bucket, he gagged violently.

The headaches had only gotten worse in the last week.  Rafael hadn’t had a single day where he wasn’t plagued by an incredibly painful migraine, and Sonny’s heart was breaking for him.  He was spending nearly all of his time in the dark and quiet of his bedroom, and Sonny was making sure he took each medication at its precise time.  He’d also made sure to keep Rafael’s diet light, since he was having what started out as nausea.  In the last two days, though, Rafael had been vomiting each time he ate.  It was almost eight a.m. now, and he didn’t seem to be able to keep down water anymore.

Once the gagging stopped, Rafael rested his head against the side of the bucket.  Sonny reached over, stroking his hair gently.  He was slick with sweat, skin pale and clammy, and for the first time in forty-two days, Sonny was scared.

He waited a few more minutes, praying that the vomiting had stopped for now.  After a bit, he gently took the bucket from Rafael’s hands.  “I’m going to take care of this, sweetheart,” he murmured.  “Why don’t you lay back down?”

Rafael slowly did just that.  “I’m gonna need that in a few,” he reminded Sonny, but Sonny didn’t answer.  He’d already gone into the bathroom and dumped the contents into the toilet, then flushed.  How long exactly was Rafael supposed to suffer like this?  Sonny had called Dr. Ellory the day before and told her exactly how Rafael was doing–the headaches, the memory lapses, the confusion and the pain–and she’d told him that it was part of the medication trial.  She’d offered no further suggestions on how to comfort Rafael, and Sonny had hung up the phone angry and disillusioned.  Wasn’t it her job to help her patients?  Wasn’t it her job to heal?

He wondered if everything Rafael was going through would be this bad if he wasn’t taking the trial drug.  What if they stopped it–would he improve?  The man only had a little over four months left.  It didn’t seem right that he would spend it torturously ill, to the extent he couldn’t bear to live. Sonny made his way to the walk-in shower, took down the spray nozzle, then turned it on.  After he’d rinsed the bucket well, he sprayed both it and the shower floor with disinfectant, then rinsed them again.

Sonny had thought several times how fortunate Rafael was to have this walk-in shower.  It had made things much easier where bathing was concerned–Rafael was still able to bathe himself independently, mainly because there were few concerns that he might trip.  And it was also helpful for things like cleaning out the bucket–an easy in, easy out—

“Sonny–” he heard, before the gagging started again, a violent retching that almost took Sonny’s stomach with it.  He practically ran into the bedroom, just in time to see Rafael leaning over the side of the bed and vomiting nearly-clear liquid.

“Here baby.”  Sonny quickly set the bucket under Rafael’s face.  This wasn’t right.  It wasn’t okay, and he wasn’t willing to sit here and just watch as someone he loved suffered immeasurable pain.  

“I’m gonna call the ambulance,” he told Rafael, mid-gag, determined to call regardless of how Rafael–or his doctor–felt about it.

*****

“Mr. Carisi, you can come in now.”

Sonny followed the nurse into a small room where Rafael was lying in the bed, hooked up to several monitors.  He was still pale, but quietly looking up at Sonny with a soft smile and wide eyes.  “Hey,” he murmured, and Sonny slid into the chair next to his bed.

“Hey, Rafi,” he murmured back, forcing a smile as he took Rafael’s hand in his own.  “How are you feeling?”

Rafael appeared to be thinking over the question for a moment.  “Better, I think,” he replied softly.  “I’m not puking my guts up now, so that’s progress, right?”

Sonny bit back a chuckle.  “Yes.  Yes, a LOT of progress,” he agreed.  Rafael’s smile grew broader, and Sonny let himself burst into a grin of relief.  “I’m so glad to see you’re better,” he babbled, his anxiety from the morning taking control.  “I was worried, and you seem much, much better now.”  He forced himself to stop for a moment, but then asked, “Are you better now, Rafi?”

Rafael squeezed his hand.  “They’re checking it all out, including a new MRI,” he said, playing with Sonny’s fingers.  “I love your fingers.  Tell me why I could play with your fingers all day?”

Before he could answer, a middle-aged woman in a white coat entered the room.  “Hello,” she said, extending a hand to Rafael, then Sonny  “I’m Dr. Henderson.  Now which one of you has the headache?”

“Lately it’s been me,” Rafael told her, smiling.  “Although I think the reason I’ve had it is because this one here keeps giving me one.”  He poked Sonny in the arm with a shy grin, and the doctor and Sonny both chuckled.

“All right then.  You’ll have to come back again when you’ve got one,” she told Sonny, then turned back to Rafael.  “So Mr. Barba, I have called your neurologist, Dr. Ellory, is it?”  At Rafael’s nod, she continued.  “I’ve sent her your latest MRI, and I understand you have an appointment with her in two days.  Is that correct?”

Rafael looked at Sonny, who nodded.  “Yes.  My human calendar says yes.”

Again, she smiled.  “I’m sure Dr. Ellory will go over all of this with you when she sees you then.  But from the information I’ve gotten today, it seems that the trial drug you’re on is causing your blood pressure to spike.  When was the last time you took it?”

“Last night, around eight,” Sonny shared.  “He got sick shortly after that.”

Dr. Henderson nodded.  “Well, that makes sense.  I spoke with the doctor in charge of the trials…he told me that high blood pressure is one of the problems they’re seeing with some of the folks in the trial.  Interestingly, your tumor hasn’t grown, so it’s possible they may be on to something–”

“So how do I manage this?” Rafael interrupted.  “If it’s working, then what can I do to manage the headaches?  I don’t have them every day.”

Dr. Henderson let out a long sigh.  “Mr. Barba, I’m assuming that when you agreed to this trial, they explained all of the possible ramifications to you.  When you came in today, your blood pressure was 203/110.  We’ve gotten it down now to 145/96, which obviously is much better, but part of the reason it’s down that much is because you haven’t had your regular dose this morning.”  She glanced at Sonny, then looked directly at Rafael again.  “Mr. Barba, if you continue taking this medication, I have no doubt that you will have a stroke.  I don’t quite know how you’ve avoided that before now, with numbers like this.”

“So there’s no way to lower it while I’m on this drug?” he asked.  “You said yourself, the tumor hasn’t grown at all.”

“It hasn’t, so this drug may have bought you a little more time,” she agreed.  “But if you continue taking this drug, you won’t survive the six months they’ve given you.  In fact, Dr. Ellory wanted me to tell you to stop taking the drug immediately.  Mr. Carisi, Dr. Ellory would like you to return the drug to her at your next appointment, in a couple days.”  

Sonny was watching Rafael’s face; there was no doubt that he was devastated by the news.  Hearing the doctor, he nodded.  “Okay, I’ll do that,” he agreed.

Dr. Henderson gave a nod, then stood.  “I know this is disappointing,” she said to Rafael.  “But I also know there are other trials out there.  Just because this one isn’t right for you doesn’t mean another one won’t be.”

“I’ve only got four months left, doctor,” Rafael replied, eyes welling with tears.  “I’ll be dead before they find the one that’s right for me.”

Sonny caught Rafael’s hand and squeezed it.  “Rafi…”

“I know it can feel that way,” Dr. Henderson told him, “but hang in there.  You just never know.” 

As she left the room, Rafael closed his eyes, tears slowly rolling down his cheeks.  Sonny reached over with his empty hand and grabbed a few tissues, then gently dried Rafael’s tears.  “She’s right, you know,” he murmured.  “We can’t give up hope, Rafi.”

Rafael rested a forearm over his eyes to hide the tears, but his chin was still trembling.  Sonny pressed a kiss to his temple, then lay his forehead on Rafael’s pillow, next to Rafael, and silently prayed.

*****

When Lucia received Sonny’s phone call that morning, she was ready to leave the school and rush over to Mercy hospital immediately.  Hearing that her hijo precioso was so sick made her feel sick; it wasn’t right that Rafi was suffering this way.  She was almost two decades older than him, and if anyone should be dying right now, it should be her.

But Sonny had told her he would let her know when the doctors knew anything, so she trusted in what the young man was saying and stayed put.  He called her again around noon to let her know they were on their way home, and that the doctors had taken Rafi off the trial medication.  She told him that she would be over as soon as she could, and he’d simply said, “okay”.  

She’d managed to arrive a little after three that afternoon.  Rafael was asleep in the bedroom, Sonny said, so she’d made herself at home in the kitchen.  She was halfway through prepping arroz con pollo for her son’s dinner when Sonny came in, standing by the far edge of the counter.  “You need any help?” he asked.

Lucia took a look at him over her shoulder for a moment.  He looked as though his question was genuine, but she still got the feeling that he was a bit nervous, having her there.  Smiling at him, she thought for a moment, then said, “Of course you can.  Here, chop up these vegetables.”  And she passed the onions, garlic, peppers, and tomatoes over to him.

They worked quietly for several minutes.  Lucia loved cooking for this very reason–she often got lost in what she was doing and out of her own head full of worries.  However, on this day, her mind was focused on her son’s companion and the myriad of questions she had about him.  “So, Sonny,” she began, “are you and Rafael sleeping together?”

“What?” he asked, barely missing the tip of his index finger with the knife.  

“Don’t be embarrassed,” she told him, continuing to work on the chicken.  “I know my son.  Trust me.  It doesn’t surprise me at all.  You’re the one he worked with, right?  The cute little blonde detective with the dimples?”  She turned around, resting her back against the counter and crossing her arms.  “Rafi may need an ophthalmologist, because that’s not blonde, is it?  You turn gray early?”

“Uh, um, yes,” Sonny responded awkwardly.  He’d finished the vegetables, anyway, and he lay the knife down and turned to face her.  “I was blonde when he first met me,” he clarified, “although why I’m telling you that, I’m not sure.”

She grinned.  “He always did think you were something else, detective.  I heard a lot about you.  You and what’s her name, your lieutenant–”

“Benson?” he offered.

“That’s it!  Benson.”  Lucia nodded.  “Always a story about one of you.  I know he gave you a hard time, detective, but he really did think you were, uh…”  Her eyes scanned Sonny’s body from his head to his toes, then back up.  “Yeah.  Um, good-looking.”  She made a funny sound in her throat, then said, “Rafael has always had good taste.”

Sonny could feel his face flush, down his neck and into his shirt.  Was she flirting with him?  No, she couldn’t be–

“Don’t worry.  I’m not hitting on you,” Lucia told him, turning back around to finish the dish.  Snapping her fingers, she said, “I need those vegetables, if they’re ready.”  Sonny quickly handed her the cutting board, and she added them to the bowl she’d been working in. Once she had everything put together, she slid the dish into the oven, then turned to face him once more.  “You’re caring for my son.  He’s dying.  It’s all I can do not to be in this apartment around the clock, and the only reason I’m not is because Rafi would be so upset, and I respect him enough not to do that.”  She grew quiet for a moment.  “I’m sorry if i made you uncomfortable, but I need to know who’s caring for my son.  I hope you can understand.”

Sonny nodded, still looking a bit afraid of her, and Lucia sighed.  But then he said, “Mrs. Barba, it’s about time for him to get up now.  I’m sure he’d love it if you were the one who woke him…would you like to?”

Lucia found herself sitting next to her son’s bed a few minutes later, with two warm mugs on the nightstand filled with coffee.  “Brilla brilla estrallita,” she sang softly, recalling the beginning of one of his favorite lullabies from childhood.  Before she could sing the next line, Rafael’s eyes fluttered and slowly opened.

“Mami?” he asked softly, and she smiled at him.

“I’m right here, mijo.”

“Was I dreaming?” he whispered.  “I thought I was dying…”  His eyes met hers again, and she knew  immediately that he’d read her expression to a T.  “I’m not dreaming, am I?  It’s real.  It’s all real.”

Lucia squeezed his hand.  “Today it is, papito.  But who knows what God will give you tomorrow?  Maybe it will be a wonderful surprise.”  She fought her tears even as she spoke, but it was of no use.  Rafael always could see through her.”

“Mami,” he got out roughly, “don’t cry, Mama.”

She held him.

Chapter Text

“I love you, Rafi,” Sonny whispered, moving slowly inside of his lover.  “Do you feel good?”

Rafael smiled sweetly.  “Of course I do, baby…you always make me feel good.”  As Sonny sped up his thrusts, Rafael’s eyes slowly closed.  “God, Sonny…don’t stop, baby…it feels so good…I love you…”

They rocked together.  Rafael’s hand stroked over the back of Sonny’s head, then tugged his hair as the pleasure increased.  Sonny lowered his lips to Rafael’s, slipping his tongue inside of his lover’s mouth.  He felt Rafael’s legs tighten around his waist.  Knowing what was coming, Sonny reached between them to fondle Rafael’s erection.  A moment later, Rafael climaxed with a low moan, and Sonny followed shortly afterward.

Lovemaking sessions had been few and far between, not that it mattered to Sonny.  Sleeping in Rafael’s bed, holding his lover, was far more important as far as he was concerned.  Still, the nights when Rafael was comfortable enough and knew enough about his surroundings that they could enjoy each other were more special than he’d ever imagined.  And as they lay in the hotel bed in Chicago, ready to start a med trial the next morning, Sonny was thankful for every minute..

Rafael appeared to be thankful too.  He slowly ran his fingers up and down Sonny’s arm, gently pressing random kisses to his lover’s chest and neck.  “I’m sorry this doesn’t happen as much as it should,” he started to apologize, but Sonny shushed him.

“Stop, baby,” he whispered.  “You have nothing to apologize for.  Not a goddamn thing, you hear me?”

Rafael’s sweet smile touched his heart yet again.  He lay his head on Sonny’s chest, and a few minutes later, he was softly snoring. But Sonny stayed awake for a bit longer, praying that this drug trial was more successful than the last.

*****

November 24th–Day Fifty-Eight

“So how was Chicago?” Rita asked, taking a sip from her coffee.  She’d stopped on the way over to pick up an order of coffee and baked goods–all of the things she knew Rafael liked from his favorite coffee shop.  He was currently tearing apart a massive cinnamon roll as he sipped from an espresso. 

“Mmm…Chicago…is that where we went?” Rafael asked, sounding quite content as he nibbled on the sweet roll.

Sonny, who was seated next to Rafael on the couch as he ate a piece of spinach and bacon quiche, chuckled in between bites.  “Yeah, babe.  That’s where we went.”  

“Oh, okay.  Thought it sounded familiar.  It was good, Ree.  We had a good time, didn’t we, Sunshine?”  Rafael looked up at Sonny, eyes warm and sweet, and Sonny smiled back.

“Yeah, we did,” he agreed, cutting off a bite of his quiche with his fork.  “Here Rafi.  Try this.”

Rafael took the bite, clearly enjoying it, and Rita found herself smiling as her eyes welled with tears.  He hadn’t known her name when she showed up today, but he knew that he knew her.  He called the cinnamon roll he was eating “that tasty looking bun you’ve got there”, and she supposed he was right.  But all of her concerns, all of her worries, were being tempered by the fact that she could clearly see her best friend was falling in love with the man beside him.

And Sonny, despite the fact that he knew how this was going to end, was loving him back, freely and beautifully, in a way very few people would.

Rita took a deep breath, then exhaled slowly.  “So tell me what the plan is…did you start the new drug trial?”

“I did,” Rafael nodded, “but I can’t say about Sunshine here.  I’m not sure if he’s taking it or not.”

Sonny chuckled.  “No, just helping you, Rafi.  Remember?”  He took one of Rafael’s hands in his, squeezing it, then looked at Rita.  “He started the new trial, and so far it seems to be lessening the headaches, which is good.  Obviously, it’s impacting his language abilities a bit–they said they’ve seen this in other patients, a difficulty in recalling certain words–but the hope is that the drug will shrink the tumor enough they can take him off it and he’ll regain the language he’s lost right now.”

“Got that, Ree?” Rafael said, a teasing lilt to his voice, but Rita wondered if he really felt comfortable being talked about while he was in the room.

“Yeah, I got it, Rafi,” she told him, then turned back to Sonny.  “Do the doctors think it’s helpful to discuss a patient in front of him like that?”

The color in Sonny’s face drained to pale.  “Um, I wasn’t trying to be disrespectful,” he said quietly, loosening his hold on Rafael’s hand, but Rafael gripped his hand anyway.  “We talked about this when he started the trial last week.  He said that if he wasn’t able to explain certain things to people he’s close to, he wanted me to do it–”

“Is that right, Rafael?” Rita interrupted, lowering her face so she would be closer to Rafael’s.  She wondered if he was understanding any of this at all.

Rafael met her eyes.  “He’s right, Ree.  My Sunshine knows what I told him…I may not be able to tell you everything, but he can, so trust him.  Okay?”

Rita slowly sat back as Rafael continued to directly hold her gaze. “I guess I’m just  wondering,” Rita said, “if someone else—me or Lucia, for instance–should be going with Rafael to these drug trial meetings.  Or to the doctor appointments.  No offense, Carisi, but we know him better—or definitely longer, at least.”

“That’s fine,” Sonny quickly told her.  “Is that okay with you, Rafael? Would you like Rita or your mom to go with us to the doctor next week?”

Rafael shook his head.  “No.  I’m not a baby.  The only one who needs to be there is me, and of course you, because you care for me.”  He turned to Rita.  “I didn’t ask you to go because I don’t want you to.  Or Mami.”  Picking up his coffee, he took another sip.  “But you can bring this stuff by anytime you want.  It’s very good.”

Despite him disagreeing with her, Rita bit back a grin.  Leave it to Rafael to tell her she can fetch his coffee anytime, she thought.  Then Sonny was speaking to her again.

“I know he’s struggling with language today, but he knows who he is and where he is, so I’ll take it,” Sonny said, then looked at Rafael and squeezed his hand.  “This is an off day.  If you’d prefer, I can call you when he’s having a better day and you can come then.  It’s really up to you.”

Rita set her coffee down.  “I apologize if I offended either of you,” she told them, watching her old friend once again attack his cinnamon roll.  “That wasn’t my intent, but sometimes I can get a little…um, aggressive, maybe?...when it comes to this guy.”  She nodded in Rafael’s direction, then reached over and rested a hand on his knee.  “I just worry about you, Rafi.  That’s all.”

He looked at her again, a soft smile on his face.  Other than the language differences, Rita could tell there was a difference in Rafael’s emotional state.  He was less guarded, more open and honest.  She’d never before seen him so emotionally vulnerable, and found herself grateful that Sonny Carisi didn’t seem like the kind of man who would take advantage of that.  “I know; it’s okay,” Rafael was telling her now, that teasing lilt back in his voice.  “You just love me, is all.”

“Yeah, you’re right,” she told him with a smile, as she pinched her thigh to distract herself from crying.  “Well, boys, I need to get going,” she told them, standing up and gathering her things.  “Carisi, walk me out?”

“Sure,” Sonny replied, looking confused but letting go of Rafael’s hand.  “I’ll be right back, Rafi,” he said, then followed Rita outside of the apartment and cracked the door behind him.

She turned around to face him, and Sonny felt his stomach clench in a very unpleasant way.  “Look, Rita, I know you’re one of his oldest friends, but–”

Her arms flew around him in a tight embrace, and he could hear soft gasps for air in his ear.  He was pretty sure she was crying, but he was also pretty sure she’d be insulted if he said so.  So instead, he hugged her back and waited for her to speak.

“Thank you,” she whispered then.  “Thank you for loving him, Sonny.  And for caring for him like you are.”

Nodding slowly, Sonny held her for another minute until Rita seemed to have gathered herself and pulled back from the hug.  She straightened her coat, then cleared her throat.  “I’ll come by this weekend.  Let me know if there’s a particular place you’d like me to stop, to bring you guys some food.”  Smiling at him, she gave a quick nod.  “See you then.”

Sonny nodded back.  “See you.”

He watched as she walked quickly to the elevator, the Rita Calhoun mask he was so familiar with back on for the world to see.  Once the elevator had begun its descent with her inside, he entered the apartment again, smiling at Rafael, who was still on the couch eating his cinnamon roll.  “I think I’m about done with this thing…what’d she call it again?” he asked, looking up at Sonny.

Sonny smiled.  “A cinnamon roll, love,” he replied, then went into the kitchen to grab a baggie to put it in.

Chapter Text

“Hello, uh…” Rafael smiled at Alina, Dr. Ellory’s secretary, and gave her a quick wink.  “Just checking in today…have anything I need to fill out for you?”

She smiled warmly. “I certainly do.”  Handing Rafael a clipboard and pen, she asked, “How are you today, Mr. Barba?  Are you ready for the holidays?”

Rafael laughed.  “Is that what’s coming up?  I guess that’s why this guy has been cooking so much,” he said, grinning at Sonny.  Taking his paperwork from Alina, he stepped away from the desk, just as Alina waved to the man beside him.  “Hey Sonny…how’re you doing today?”

Sonny grinned in return.  “Good, Alina, and yourself?”

“Pretty good,” she replied, taking the paperwork Sonny handed her, and handing him new paperwork in return.  “Sounds like you’re on top of the Christmas Feast!”

“I’m Italian,” he chuckled. “We cook all month!!”  

They both laughed, and Sonny turned around to see Rafael standing in the middle of the lobby by himself.  He stepped closer and took Rafael by the elbow.  “C’mon, Rafi…let’s find a seat over here.”  

Sonny pulled out his phone and started working through his emails as Rafael completed his paperwork.  After a few minutes, he rested a hand on Rafael’s shoulder.  “Hey, I need to use the restroom,” he murmured quietly.  “You be okay while I’m gone?”

Rafael nodded.  “I’ll be fine.  If I’m not here, it’s because I went with one of those nurses, you know.”  He gave Sonny a grin, and watched as the other man stood up and headed across the waiting room, toward the restrooms.  Once Sonny had gone inside, Rafael went back to the paperwork.  He almost always found these tasks tedious at best.  Today there were all kinds of patterns he was supposed to complete.  He’d answered most of them, but was stumbling on the last couple, and he wasn’t sure if that was because of his tumor or because he honestly didn’t understand the pattern.  He let out a sigh just as something hit his foot.  Reaching down, he picked up a pen that had rolled across the carpet.

“Oh, I’m sorry.”  A young woman was suddenly standing in front of him.  “I think I dropped my pen—wait, you’re Mr. Barba, aren’t you?  Rafael Barba?” she repeated, eyes going wide.  “You’re an Assistant District Attorney in Manhattan, right?”

“I…I was,” he answered, trying to place her face.  She looked somewhat familiar, but he couldn’t recall the name.  “I’m sorry…my, um…my memory is giving me a hard time lately.  That’s why I’m here.”  He laughed, and she smiled gently at him, tucking her long dark hair behind her ear.  “Do I…did I know you?”

“Rafael,” the nurse called, and the young woman shook her head slightly.

“I, uh…you helped me once, a long time ago, and I just wanted to say thank you,” she said quickly.  “But I’m sure you hear that all the time.”

He smiled again at her.  She was right, he did hear that quite a bit, and it was something Sunshine told him he should be proud of.  It made him happy to hear it.  But the nurse was calling his name again, and he had to go.  “I’m sorry.  I need to go, but it was nice to see you again,” he said kindly.  “I’m glad I was able to help you.”  

He turned to head to the nurse, but the young woman stopped him.  “Your clipboard,” she said, handing it to him.  

“Thank you,” he responded politely, and headed to the nurse, who was still waiting patiently by the door.  “Here I am,” he told her.  “Sorry it took me so long!”

“It’s quite all right, Mr. Barba,” she told him.  “C’mon, let’s get your weight.”

*****

Sonny was waiting in the exam room, checking his emails again.  A nurse had brought him back as soon as he’d left the restroom, and he’d been told Rafael was having his MRI at the moment.  As he flipped through his email, he sighed.  Junk, junk, more junk, he found himself thinking, deleting as he went.

The door quickly opened and Dr. Ellory entered.  She always moved fast, as though she were in a hurry, and he couldn’t help but wonder if she’d had a lot of emergencies in her work. 

“Hey Sonny; how are you today?” she asked, taking a seat on her rolling stool.  “Rafael’s back getting his MRI right now, and I thought this would be a good time to touch base.”

Sonny nodded.  He always liked it when she made a point to talk with him at Rafael’s appointments; there were things he wasn’t sure she needed to know, and he always felt better after she talked with him.  “Sounds good to me,” he told her.  “I don’t know if you’ve noticed yet, but I think Rafael’s having a pretty noticeable shift in his language abilities.  He struggles to find words, and he also can’t seem to use larger words.  I feel like his vocabulary has shifted a lot since mid-November, when he started this trial.” He handed Dr. Ellory the notes he’d been keeping on Rafael since the last visit, and she began to quickly scan them, making notes as she went along.  “Are  there any other noticeable changes with Rafael, good or bad?”

“Yeah, there’s one,” Sonny replied.  “I’m not sure if it’s good or bad myself.  His mood is different.  I don’t know how to really explain it, but he just seems so much more…I don’t know, content, maybe? I wouldn’t necessarily say happy, and he definitely still speaks his mind, but I’ve noticed since he started the medication trial this time that he seems more agreeable.  He also always calls me Sunshine.  At first I corrected him, but he’d just look at me for a moment and then say that he liked Sunshine better, if it was okay with me.  Of course I told him fine, but it’s just a little oddity that’s popped up.”

Dr. Ellory chuckled.  “That is interesting,” she remarked, finishing her notes. “Overall, how do you feel he’s tolerating this trial?”

“Much better,” Sonny told her.  “I mean, there’s obvious changes, but they don’t seem to bother him terribly.  I was worried that he would get frustrated over the vocabulary, but so far he hasn’t.  Hopefully, the medication is doing its job.”  Recalling a recent conversation, Sonny suddenly grinned.  “He’s mentioned several times now that this thing in his head is gonna get—”  Sonny froze, then changed his wording.  “Get, uh, smaller.”

Dr. Ellory chuckled.  “Yes, I think we’ll all be interested to see if this thing will get smaller, as you and Rafael both said.”

*****

“Tell me what it says again.”

They were finally home.  Sonny had fixed them a light, easy dinner.  Rafael had missed the nap that he’d come to routinely rely on, so they were both in their pajamas early tonight, lounging in bed.  Sonny was holding the paperwork that Dr. Ellory had given them earlier, and it included the opportunity to apply for a new surgery at a teaching hospital.

“I don’t understand,” Sonny had asked when she first brought it up.  “I thought you said that Rafi’s tumor was in a place that made it inoperable.”

“It is indeed in a position that until recently, was impossible to reach.  Even now, its position makes it very difficult to remove,” she reiterated.  “It must be done with a new technique using a specialized laser.  This new laser has the ability to destroy the tumor into tiny enough particles that they won’t get caught anywhere in the body.”  Dr. Ellory rolled her stool over to the counter and picked up a glossy handout, along with several typewritten papers.  “It is extremely skilled and specialized surgery that is just now becoming available.  I’m only aware of two surgeons globally who do this kind of surgery, one in Hong Kong and one in Ontario.”  She handed the papers to Sonny.  “This is the doctor in Ontario, Dr. Basnight.  In the last year, he has joined the faculty at Johns Hopkins, and is doing a fellowship at their teaching hospital.  Because of that, he is providing trials for this new laser technique.  Apparently, it’s been a success for some of his patients.  Over eighty percent have a longer lifespan with functional abilities, fifty percent also gain back most of what they have lost, and twenty-five percent experience a full removal of the tumor with most of their skills returning.  But remember, that also means that there are people who don’t regain anything, and a handful who die.”  Looking at both men, she said, “Read the material carefully and talk about it with one another.  Rafael, have Sonny explain it until you can explain it to somebody else.  If you choose to do this, I’ll need to know that you understand what you’re risking,okay?  You’ll need to turn in the application, and if it’s approved, you’ll be called in to meet with Dr. Basnight.”

So Sonny had been reading and explaining repeatedly since they got home.  “But why wouldn’t I want to get it done?” Rafael asked for the second time since they’d gotten in bed.  “I don’t understand.”

“Because it could kill you,” Sonny reminded him again.

Rafael looked puzzled. “But Sunshine, this…this uh, ball in my brain…it’s gonna kill me anyway, right?”

“Yes.”  Sonny turned his head to look at Rafael.  “Yeah, if it continues to grow, it will kill you.  But remember, we don’t know yet how helpful the drug trial you’re on right now will be.  The one you’re on might shrink it down considerably.”

“Right,” Rafael replied, then grew quiet for several minutes.  Sonny continued to read the pamphlet they’d been given, until he heard, “Hey Sunshine?”

He turned to Rafael again.  “Yeah, Rafi?”

“So the laser thing…it could make the brain ball disappear, right?  But the pills I take, they won’t make it go away, they just make it get smaller, right?”

“That’s right,” Sonny confirmed, reaching over to wipe away an eyelash on Rafael’s cheek.

“Okay…and both things could kill me if they don’t work, right? And also, I’ll die if I don’t do anything, right?” 

“Mmhmm,” Sonny hummed. “You’ve got it.”  He took Rafael’s hand in his own, gently squeezing and stroking his fingers.

“Okay.” Rafael replied, then grew quiet again.

Sonny lapsed into his own thoughts about Rafael’s treatment options.  While he wasn’t crazy about the changes in Rafael he’d experienced since starting the second trial, at least he was alive and seemed to be healthier than he’d been in a long time.  The logical thing clearly would be to stay in this trial for several months, barring any negative complications, and see how much the tumor would shrink.  The surgery sounded incredibly risky; the thought of a doctor taking a laser inside of his partner’s brain to decimate unwanted tissue made Sonny’s stomach clench uncomfortably.  He was fairly confident that Lucia would agree with him, so there shouldn’t be any problem with passing on this particular treatment.  

Hearing Rafael’s steady breathing beside him, Sonny let his eyes close as he relaxed into the pillow.

 “I think I should have the operation,” Rafael said suddenly, startling Sonny from his thoughts.  “I think that’s the right thing for me to do.”

 Sonny rolled over so he could easily see Rafael’s face.  “Well, you don’t have to decide tonight,” he told him with a smile.  “But why do you want the surgery?  Especially when the pill is safer…”

Rafael’s brow furrowed for a moment.  “You know how I used to be, when I was a lawyer?  I miss that.  I mean, I know I don’t have to take the pills always, and maybe when I stop I’ll be able to talk better, you know?  Like I used to.  I just feel…I don’t know, kind of sad, maybe? ‘Cause I can’t use the words I used to, ‘cause I can’t think of them.  And I think if I get that laser thing, then maybe I’ll be the most like me again.”  As Sonny cupped his cheek gently, Rafael smiled.  “That’s what I want, Sunshine…just to be me again.”

Sonny slowly smiled back.  “I don’t blame you one bit,” he replied, pressing a kiss to Rafael’s forehead.

Chapter Text

“Hey honey.”  Landon set his attache down in its place and hugged his wife, then pecked a gentle kiss to her lips.  “You have a good day?”

“So far, yes,” she replied with a smile. Heading into the kitchen, she asked, “How was yours?”

Following her, he sighed.  “Well, other than being tired, I’m good.  It’s just been a long day, you know?”  He took a seat at the island bar as she handed him a wine glass.  “Sometimes I wonder if this fellowship was the right decision for us.”   

“Oh no.  That doesn’t sound promising.”  Glancing at her husband as she poured the wine, Eve had a feeling she knew what was coming.

Landon sighed again.  “I know you’re going to be disappointed, but this next surgery is scheduled for Christmas Eve, so I’m going to miss that.  They’ve narrowed it down to two candidates, and I’m supposed to pick which candidate is the best for this type of procedure.  Problem is, we already know they’re both excellent candidates.  It feels a bit like being some kind of twisted Santa Claus of medicine.”

Eve snorted.  “Yeah, that has a kind of icky feel to it, especially considering these patients are terminal.”  She took a sip of her wine.  “So who are the two you’re deciding between?”

Landon set down his wine glass and held up a finger.  “Hold on and I’ll tell you,” he said, then hopped up and went to get the applications from his attache.  “Paul told me that both candidates  are in their final six months.  Both are in different drug trials.  One has a tumor lodged in his temporal lobe against his hippocampus…looks like he’s currently having memory loss and confusion, language limitation and substitution, simplistic vocabulary, change in emotional registry—”

Leaning over the island, Eve waved her fingers to encourage him to move along.

“Yeah, yeah,” her husband joked, “I know, you get the point…the other candidate has had a brain tumor removed once before,” he shared, sounding surprised.  “Let’s see…he’s a little older than the first candidate, but ah…his tumor is larger, located in the outer part of the temporal lobe, but it’s very aggressive and is bleeding through the lobe…that’s the term they used here, bleeding…”

Eve smirked.  She’d seen this happen a million times.  “Ooh, they got his attention,” she teased, knowing how much of a sucker her husband was for unique and quirky phrasing in medical reports.

Landon laid the first application down as he continued to read the second one.  Knowing her husband could be lost in that application for hours, Eve picked up the one he’d laid down and started to read it.  She didn’t get far.

Landon looked across the island over the rim of his glasses. “Hey, put that down, sexy.  You know you’re not supposed to do that.”

But Eve held onto the paper, frozen.  “Oh my God,” she murmured, wine glass still nearly resting on her lips.

Landon looked up.  “Seriously, babe, I mean it.  You need to put it down.”

“Landon,” she said roughly, handing the application to her husband, “I know him.”  Her brown eyes locked onto her husband’s.  “That’s Rafael Barba—he was the assistant district attorney in Manhattan a handful of years ago. He’s the one—”

“---the one who prosecuted your case?” he asked gently, and she nodded, then swallowed.  Landon’s eyes moved from his wife to the application multiple times before finally settling on the yellow papers.

“I ran into him at Sonya Ellory’s office, that day we stopped by,” she told him now, anxiously starting to drum her fingers on the island.  “I think I might have mentioned it to you?  While I was in the lobby waiting for you, I dropped my pen and he returned it to me.  I thought it was strange that he didn’t recognize me, given how big my case was at the time, but then again, it’s been a while now…”

“And you’ve changed a lot,” her husband added, reaching for her hand.  “What was that, seven or eight years ago?”

She nodded.  “About eight years ago.”  Eve was silent for a moment, lost in her memories.  “My own parents wouldn’t come to the trial, even after he asked them to,” she recalled.  “That was the worst time in my life. I’m sure you can imagine–you met me shortly afterward.  But during the trial, I was so determined I deserved justice…that I could get justice, if I just told the truth and stuck to my story, which I did.  And Mr. Barba, he backed me a hundred percent.  Nobody wants to believe a porn actress any more than they want to believe a hooker or an addict, but somehow, he got them to listen and to believe.  And somehow, we got a guilty verdict.  You know, to this day I'm still convinced that the only reason that happened was because Mr. Barba was such a skilled prosecutor.”  Eve smiled, remembering Barba’s command of the courtroom and the confidence he gave her.  

“You may be right,” Landon agreed.  “He certainly had that reputation.”

Eve sighed. “We got a guilty verdict from the jury and then the judge threw it out.”  Landon squeezed her hand as she shook her head.  “You should have seen how angry he was, Landon.  I’ve thought so many times how grateful I was for his anger.  I was just numb and wanting it to end, but he…he was still fighting for me, and for what was right.”  She sighed.  “When I saw him the other day, it was like talking to a completely different person.  He was nice, but you’d never know he was once that calibur of attorney.  It breaks my heart.”

Letting go of his wife’s hand, Landon rounded the kitchen island and took her in his arms instead.  “You saved my life, you know,” she murmured against his shirt wetly.

“No,” he argued softly.  “You got your job as my personal assistant fair and square.  YOU got yourself out, Eve.  You made a decision that you were done with the drugs and the porn, and you wanted a better life for yourself.”  Cupping her chin, he whispered, “I’m so thankful for you, for us.  Every day.”

She nodded, pressing herself to his chest.  “I know I’m not supposed to know anything, but when you study the medical files, if all things are equal…will you consider giving him the surgery?  I swear I’ll never ask you for another favor…”

Landon kissed her head.  “Shh,” he whispered.  “Of course I will, all things considered, but Evie, look at me…”  He tilted her head so their eyes met.  “This conversation never happened, understand?  We never talked about Rafael Barba, at least not by name.”

She nodded.  “I love you, Landon.”

*****

December 17th, Day Eighty-One

“Mrs. Barba, are you comfortable?” a nurse, Jamal, asked Lucia, and she smiled at him. He’d just swapped out the metal folding chair she’d been in for a more comfortable padded one.

“Yes, young man, I certainly am.  Thank you for this chair.”  She gave him a nod and he smiled before turning to leave.  As he opened the door to exit, Dr. Ellory entered with another man following behind her.  He appeared to be in his forties with short dark hair and eyes, devastatingly handsome, and Sonny had the sudden thought that if he were single, he’d be trying to get a phone number.

One glance at Rafael told him his partner was having the same thought.

Oh, you naughty man, Sonny snickered internally, biting back the grin trying to break across his face.  

Dr. Ellory approached Lucia, extending her hand.  “You must be Mrs. Barba. I’m Sonya Ellory, Rafael’s neurologist.  It’s very nice to meet you, and I’m glad you all were able to attend today.”  Dr. Ellory motioned to the man behind her.  “Rafael, Sonny, this is Dr. Landon Basnight. He’s the neurological surgeon who will be performing Rafael’s surgery in a week.”

Dr. Basnight quickly made his way around the room, shaking hands, before following Dr. Ellory’s lead and taking a seat.  

“I’m going to start out talking today,” she said, “and then Dr. Basnight will take over and tell you everything you need to know about the surgery.  As I informed you yesterday, Rafael has been chosen as the best candidate for Dr. Basnight’s December surgery.  But before he starts going into that information, I wanted to update you on your last MRI, Rafael.”  She stood up and walked to the small screen on the wall near the door and turned it on.  Two scans of Rafael’s brain appeared, side by side.  “The one on the right is your most recent scan, and the one on the left was from mid-November,” she explained, then pointed out the tumor.  “Rafael, here’s your brain ball, as of last week.  When we take our measurements, we can tell that it has definitely decreased in mass, and has not expanded at all.”

“So that means the drug trial is working, doesn’t it?” Sonny asked, as Rafael leaned closer to the screens.

“Quite likely.”  Dr. Ellory sat on her stool but kept the screens on, so the images were still visible.

“So if he were to stay on this drug, do you think it would continue to shrink the tumor?” Sonny wanted to hear her say it–hear her say this was the answer, the way to save Rafael’s life.  That shrinking the ball was as good as destroying it.

She sighed, giving a side-glance to Dr. Basnight.  “There’s no guarantee here, unfortunately,” she said.  “I wish I could tell you what the best option is here.  I think the good news is that Rafael is feeling better, and it does appear that we’ve bought more time for him.” Turning to Rafael, she said, “I think if you stayed with the drug trial, we could possibly buy you several more months to live.”

“But if I stay on the pills, the brain ball stays too,” Rafael surmised, raising one eyebrow, and for a moment, Sonny felt like they were back in court and he was watching the one and only Rafael Barba command the courtroom.

Dr. Ellory nodded.  “Yes.”

“Mr. Barba, if I may,” Dr. Basnight spoke up, and Rafael looked at him, surprisingly focused.  “The drug trial you’re currently in has shown impressive progress with your tumor—”

“Brain ball,” Rafael and Sonny corrected, and Dr. Basnight sighed, then nodded.

“With your brain ball,” he restated, “and while that is commendable, it will not save your life.  While the ultimate goal of this drug is to shrink tumors to a size where they can be removed or otherwise managed, the drug is not far enough developed to do more than extend your life by a few months.  The surgery option is definitely riskier.  I go into very small, specific parts of the brain, and I destroy the tumor a few particles at a time.  It’s dangerous, because it’s very easy to accidentally destroy healthy tissue that may be wrapped up in the tumor.  However, I believe that there is a strong likelihood that if you undergo this surgery, and it goes as well as I’m anticipating, you will experience a significant improvement in your functioning.”

The room was silent as everyone processed the doctor’s words.

Lucia was the first to speak.  “What do you think, papito?  What do you feel is right for you?”

On the opposite side of Rafael, Sonny bit his lip to keep from sharing his opinion.  It wasn’t his body; it wasn’t his choice.  But it was scary to have no control in this whatsoever.

“The surgery is right for me,” Rafael told his mother.  “Mami, I’m sure.  I want to be me again.”

Lucia nodded, then turned to Dr. Basnight.  “You heard my son.  He wants the surgery.”

Both doctors seemed to let out a collective breath and nod, then Dr. Basnight went into action.  “In that case, why don’t I walk you through exactly what will happen, and then we’ll review what you need to do to prepare?”

“Excuse me for a minute.”  Sonny gave Rafael a quick smile as he stood and headed for the door.  “Need to go to the restroom.”  Quickly he walked into the exam hallway, out through the hallway door and across the lobby to the restroom.  

He’d been afraid he wouldn’t make it, but somehow he did, and he locked himself into a stall just as the first sob forced its way out.

Chapter Text

“Odafin Tutuola.” A female voice caught the sergeant’s attention, and he turned toward the elevator to see Rita Calhoun sporting her signature smirk.  “Why am I surprised to see you here?”

Fin straightened his back as he shot her a look.  “You really think I’d miss Barba’s Christmas party?” he asked.  “It might be his last one.”

Rita stepped closer.  “I can’t believe you just said that out loud,” she told him.  “You know, he’s been fighting this thing with all he has.”

He crossed his arms.  “And I hope he wins.  Look, Calhoun, I know he’s your old college pal.  I just know Carisi told me the surgery’s risky but he’ll die without it.” Nodding toward the apartment door, he asked, “You coming?” 

“I suppose so.”  Rita headed toward the door, carefully carrying a glass bowl covered with foil.  “You didn’t bring a dish?” she asked.  “I thought this was a potluck.”

Fin shrugged.  “I ordered a tray of sandwiches and had ‘em sent over.”

“Smart,” she muttered under her breath.  “Very, very smart.”

“What’d you make?”

“Um…” Rita looked at the bowl as if she had no idea what was inside.  “It’s, uh…it’s a pasta salad I used to make for Rafael back in school.  We called it Nasty Noodles.” 

Fin made a funny sound in his throat.  “Scrumptious, I’m sure.”

The front door opened to reveal Olivia Benson standing there in a soft red sweater and skinny jeans, with a large nametag over her left breast.  “Hey!  Come on in, guys.”  She stepped aside, allowing Rita and Fin to enter and join the small group of friends.  “Food goes on the table in the kitchen, and make sure to put on a name tag–they’re on the kitchen counter.”

Sonny was sitting on the couch, next to Amanda Rollins, and they seemed to be deep in conversation.  Looking around, Rita realized she knew most everyone, at least by face, but she didn’t see Rafael.  Setting her bowl on the kitchen table, she scanned the counter and saw the name tags, along with a handful of different markers, laying next to the fruit bowl.  

Rita decided to go with red on a nametag that resembled a Christmas wreath.  Not a bad idea, she thought, recalling the way Rafael had struggled with her name the last time she’d visited a few weeks ago.  Suddenly, she found herself thinking it was stupid to have made nasty noodles.  Chances were, he wouldn’t even remember her, never mind some noodles they threw together one night after too much tequila.

Peeling the nametag sticker from its backing, Rita was pressing it to her blouse when she felt a tender kiss to the side of her head.  “You came,” Rafael said happily, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.  “I was a little scared you still might be mad from last time…you know, when I forgot your name.”

Rita turned, hugging him tightly.  “I was never mad, Rafi,” she told him.  “Did you see? I don’t know if you remember, but I brought–”

“Our gross noodles!” he exclaimed, laughing, and she nodded.  “Except they aren’t really gross…I think we almost always cleaned the bowl!”

She chuckled.  “Well, we were also almost always drunk…”  Rafael was already helping himself to a hearty serving of the pasta salad, and she leaned back against the kitchen counter and watched him.

The first time she’d made the noodles, she’d had leftover spaghetti noodles but no sauce.  Rafael had frowned, so she’d thrown in some tomato and red onion, telling him it was close enough.  “It’s too dry, Ree,” he’d complained after a bite, so being the problem solver she was, she’d poured some oil and vinegar–balsamic–on top.  That’s when she announced it was salad, so the oil and vinegar served as dressing. Then Rafael had dumped some black beans on top.  “For the protein,” he’d said with a grin, and they’d eaten it down to the last noodle.

Over the years, the noodles had changed too, along with the changes in their lives.  When they were in love, the salad had fresh herbs and grilled chicken. Fresh mozzarella was added after they’d graduated and had decent salaries to buy such things. The noodles themselves, beginning as simple spaghetti, then penne, had gotten fancy for a while when Ree tried her hand at making cheese tortellini.  Most recently, though, she enjoyed using gemelli for its texture and size.

Tonight she’d used the gemelli, along with fresh mozzarella and a handful of basil from her kitchen window. A bit of grilled chicken, red onion, and fresh petite tomatoes livened it up.  But she’d stuck with the balsamic vinegar and olive oil that helped to give the salad its name.  All those years ago, they’d called it nasty because of its color; the vinegar turned the pristine noodles a dirty brown, and Rita had fond memories of watching Rafael laugh to himself as he muttered, “nasty noodles,” then took another mouthful.

She watched him now, a soft smile on her face, as he tried to sell them to Olivia Benson.  “Don’t worry about the color, Olivia!” he told her, and Rita could see he was reading the tag on the woman’s sweater.  “I promise, they’re the best.  She’s been making them since…since…” He paused for a moment, slowly chewing a mouthful of pasta.  “Well, for as long as I’ve known her, and that’s been a pretty long time!”

He may not know Rita’s name, but he knew her.   For Rita, that was enough.

Olivia gently rubbed his upper arm and smiled.  “You’re right.  You’ve known Rita for a long time,” she confirmed, taking a spoonful of the noodles on her plate.  “Do you want to join me in the other room to eat?”

Rita watched as Rafael smiled, the same kind, polite smile that he seemed to wear every time she saw him these days.  “Maybe in a few minutes,” he told her.  “I think I may get some more noodles.”  

Once Liv had left the kitchen, Rafael headed back over to Rita.  “I’d rather talk to you,” he confided quietly.  “She looks at me like I’m broken.”  He leaned his back against the counter next to her.  “A lot of people here do.  Sonny and my mother thought this would be nice, you know, in case I die.  I guess it is.  But it makes me sad, to know they all feel so sad when they look at me now.”

Rita swallowed over the lump in her throat.  “They just love you, Rafi.  We all do.  And what’s happening with this tumor…well, it IS sad.  Know what I mean?”

Rafael let out a sigh.  “Yeah, I guess.  I just don’t like making everybody sad.”

Rita hugged him.

*****

“You sure you don’t mind?” Sonny asked as Amanda continued to clean up, bagging up leftover food and tossing away the used paper goods.  “I can do it–”

“I know you can, Carisi.”  She stopped for a minute and looked at him.  “We both know you can.  But we both also know you’re dog-ass tired and emotionally drained.  The girls are with my mom tonight, so let me help you, okay?  Besides.”  She nodded toward the balcony.  “You’ve still got that to deal with, out there.”

She was right.  Liv and Rafael were curled under blankets on their double swing on the balcony.  Sonny wouldn’t be surprised if Rafael was asleep by now, but he was resting against her, and Sonny could see Liv’s feet slowly pushing the swing back and forth.  

To be honest, Sonny had been surprised when she’d shown up tonight, and so had Rafael.  When she entered, it was clear that Rafael was struggling to place her; he blankly stared at her, even after she’d put a name tag on.  Since his diagnosis, Olivia had mainly been absent from his life to such a degree that Sonny had figured Rafael had forgotten about her.

“She was my friend at work, wasn’t she?” he finally asked Sonny, low.  “Have I seen her since I got sick?”  

“No,” Sonny murmured back.  “She called at first, but didn’t visit.”  At Rafael’s obvious confusion, Sonny felt his heart beat quicker with anxiety, worried his partner would become upset.  He heard himself add, “You told me it was probably too hard for her.”

Rafael nodded then. “Yeah.  Her eyes are sad.”

Sonny didn’t know how a dying body could house such a beautiful, loving heart. Rafael’s grace toward Liv had caused Sonny to think that if he had the chance, maybe he could talk to her a little.  Maybe he could help to ease her grief, her anxiety, the reasons she had stayed away.

Steadying himself for what he knew would be a difficult conversation, he opened the sliding glass door and stepped outside.

Sure enough, Rafael was softly snoring, his head resting against Olivia’s shoulder.  “Hey,” Sonny said quietly, easing himself down onto a nearby patio chair.  “How’re you doin’,  Liv?”

Her smile was forced.  “Okay.  I didn’t want to get up once he fell asleep…I didn’t know how he’s sleeping these days, and he seemed so exhausted…”

Sonny nodded.  “He takes a nap each afternoon, but he’s almost always asleep by ten these days,” he shared.  “Apparently, if your brain has to adjust to working differently, it wears you out.”

“Oh,” she replied. “I didn’t know that.”

“Me either.  I’ve learned a lot over the last few months.”  He watched the blankets over Rafael’s chest slowly rise and fall, rise and fall.  “You know, it’s weird.  All this memory stuff, the emotional shifts and the language differences, those are the things that we see right now, but none of that is what’s going to kill him.  Eventually, his tumor is going to press against the part of the brainstem that controls his breathing and his heart rate, and that’s what will do it.”

He could feel Olivia staring at him, and he couldn’t bring himself to look at her.  He’d come out here with the intent to comfort her, but instead, he heard his own fears flooding the air between them. “I know, it’s weird the things you think about, late at night, after you’ve watched him struggle all day to do things that he used to do with ease.  I’ve read every bit of literature on this surgery and the surgeon, read articles on the internet, even stopped at the library the other day to look for books.  Of course, that was stupid, because the surgery is so new there’s barely anything out there other than a handful of journal articles.  Which, of course, I read.”  In the dark, he focused on his lover’s hair.  It had fallen out of place, onto his forehead.  “All of that reading, and what more do I know? I’m not sure, but it’s easy to tell you what I don’t know. I don’t know if he’ll be alive after the surgery or not.  No article I read, no person I’ve spoken with, can tell me if he’ll survive it.”

They fell into a heavy silence.  Sonny suddenly found himself wondering why Liv was still there, why she hadn’t left already. It’s not like she’d been around a whole lot until tonight.  In fact, considering Rafael was supposedly her “close friend”, she’d seen him exactly twice since he found out he was dying, and one of those times was in her office.  Now here she was, at eleven at night, pressed against Rafael’s warm, soft body. Didn’t she understand that his time with Rafael was limited?  It might very well be over in a matter of hours, and there she was, in his spot, next to his lover.  Who the hell did she think she was?

His sudden anger was so bitter he could taste it, but he could ascribe no reason as to why he was blaming Liv, other than she was an easy target. An easy target, sitting in his seat, snuggling close to his lover.  His lover who was dying.

“I just don’t want to imagine a life without him,” she whispered.  “I can’t.”

A million answers, each more biting than the last, flew through Sonny’s brain.  But before he could speak, Amanda slid the door open.  “Sorry to interrupt,” she said quietly, “but we probably need to get going.  Liv, you ready?  I know these guys have got to be exhausted.”  She glanced at Sonny, and he could tell she was revisiting their earlier conversation.

“Sure.”  Carefully, Liv eased Rafael’s head to the other side so it was resting against the back of the swing, then climbed out from under the blankets. As she moved away from Rafael, the anger in Sonny seemed to slip away, too, until it was gone as fast as it arrived.  “Do you need help waking him up or anything?” she asked.  “I could probably try…”

Sonny shook his head.  “No, we’ll be okay.  Thanks anyway.”

She nodded, then followed Amanda inside.  They pulled on their coats and grabbed purses and phones.  As they were heading toward the front door, Sonny stuck his head into the living room.  “Amanda, thanks for your help,” he called across the room, “and Liv…thanks for coming.”

Olivia nodded awkwardly, eyes full of pain, then opened the door and stepped out.  Amanda gave him one last nod before following her.

Sonny sank onto the swing where Liv had been, placing a kiss on Rafael’s head.  “Hey baby,” he said quietly, nudging the other man.  “Time to go to bed.”

Rafael hummed, still half asleep.  “Where’d she go? The pretty one whose boobs I was sleeping on?”

Sonny chuckled despite himself.  “Olivia went home, honey.  C’mon, let’s get you to bed.”

Rafael’s eyelids fluttered, and he smiled at Sonny.  “Only if you come with me, Sunshine,” he murmured. Sonny helped him stand, then guided him toward the door.  “No offense, but I wish you had boobs,” Rafael said sleepily.  “Nice big, soft ones I could sleep on.”

“Sorry, you’re outta luck,” Sonny told him.  “As long as you’re with me, you’re gonna be stuck with a pillow.”

He couldn’t help but smile when Rafael giggled. Sonny locked the balcony door, then guided his partner to bed.

Chapter Text

“I’m sorry, Ma,” Sonny said as he finished washing the dishes.  “I wish I could make it, but I just don’t see how.”

His mother cleared her throat.  “Dominick, I have not seen my son since this job started.  You haven’t called me in weeks.  It’s Christmas, for God’s sake!  While I understand that Mr. Barba is sick, it is the holidays.  Don’t tell me you’re not allowed to take even a day off to spend with your family at Christmas!  Besides, aren’t you supposed to be finished with this job in a couple days anyway?”

“I agreed to stay longer,” he lied.  He and Rafael hadn’t discussed it any further, but there was no way he was leaving anytime soon.  “Rafael is having surgery tomorrow.  There’s no way I can leave him, Ma.--”

Serafina let out a long sigh, then said, “Sonny, what’s really going on here?”

Glancing over his shoulder to make sure he was alone, Sonny turned back to the dishes and closed his eyes.  “Ma…I can’t really get into it right now.”

“All right, Sonny.  Fine.  But you’ll be the one explaining this to your father, you hear me?”  

“Yes Ma, I hear you.”

“And your sisters too, when they ask where you are!  And your cousins!” 

Sonny sighed.  “Ma–”

“And the aunts and uncles and nieces and nephews!”

Sonny heard a chair pull out at the kitchen table and glanced over his shoulder.  Rafael gave him a smile and a wave.

“And everyone else, Dominick,” his mother continued, her voice shrill.  “When they ask me where you are, I’m just going to hand out your phone number and let THEM contact you!  Maybe they’ll get an actual answer!”

Facing the sink again, Sonny pinched the bridge of his nose.  “Ma, we’ll have to discuss this at a different time, all right?  I’m sorry you’re upset.”

Serafina snorted into the phone.  “Upset? Upset? I’m just going to go pop some popcorn and grab a chair so I’ll be ready for when you tell your father.   Goodbye, Dominick!”

The line clicked, and there was silence.  “Bye, Ma,” he murmured, then turned his own phone off.

“That sounded rough,” he heard from behind him, and remembered that Rafael had taken a seat at the table.  “Are you okay, Sunshine?”

He let out a laugh of despair.  “Yeah.  Yeah, I’m fine.”  Shoving his phone back into his pocket, he turned and looked at Rafael.  Rafael’s smile was like a balm to his soul, and immediately he felt soothed.  “How are you, Rafi?”

Rafael shrugged.  “I’m good.  I packed my bag, like we talked about.”  He waved a piece of paper in the air.  “I followed the list we made, see?  I even put a check by every one I did.  But still, you should check it.  Because of my brain ball and all.”  Grinning and clearly proud of himself, Rafael handed the paper to Sonny.

Sonny looked at the paper, with its childish checkmarks by each item, then impulsively reached over and grabbed Rafael, hugging him tightly.  “You did great, Rafi,” he told him, fighting back tears.  “Just great, babe. I’m so proud of you.”

*****

December 24th—Day Eighty-Eight

“Thank you.”  Rafael smiled at Sonny after he tied the strings to the back of his hospital gown.  He sat back on the hospital bed, then swung his legs on, and Sonny pulled the sheets up again. 

It was six in the morning, and he’d already checked in for his surgery and been taken to his hospital room.  His nurse, a beautiful young man named Aaron, had left them with instructions for Rafael to change into a hospital gown and get settled in.

“You don’t have to thank me,” Sonny told him, cupping Rafael’s face.  “I love you.”

Rafael's smile trembled slightly.  “You don’t think I’m doing the right thing.  You think I’m going to die today, don’t you?”

Sonny blinked quickly, trying to keep the tears at bay.  There was no point in denying a truth Rafael already knew.  “I’m scared, Rafi,” he whispered, sinking into the chair next to the bed.  “I’m sorry.  I shouldn’t be.”  He shook his head.  “There’s no reason in the world to think you won’t survive and thrive. Dr. Basnight has excellent recommendations as a surgeon.” Sonny grabbed a tissue and blew his nose, pretending that he was otherwise fine, but he should have known he couldn’t fool the man next to him.  Rafael tugged his arm, until Sonny finally stood and let his partner pull him onto the hospital bed.

“Sunshine, I’m scared too,” he admitted softly, holding onto Sonny’s hand.  “But I don’t have a choice.  If I don’t do this, I might live a little bit longer, but I’ll keep losing me.  And the parts of me that you love are going to go away, and the parts that let me love you are going to go away too.  I wanna be me again, you know?  I wanna be the me I remember, the one who you fell in love with.  The one who can take care of you when you need it, like you’ve taken care of me.”  Rafael reached over and gently wiped Sonny’s tears with his thumb.  

The door opened, and Aaron, Rafael’s nurse, entered the room, along with a woman in scrubs.  “Okay, Mr. Barba, let’s get you set up for surgery, now that you’re changed.  This is Kate, and she’ll be your other nurse this morning–”

“Wait a minute,” Rafael interrupted, pointing from one to the other.  “I get two of you?”

Chuckling, Aaron said, “You do indeed.  We don’t give two nurses to just anyone, so you must be a special case.”

Kate was already adjusting the IV machine, but she smiled at him.  “I’m Kate.  Mr. Barba, can I get your arm?  We’re going to go ahead and get your IV line in.”

“Please…call me Rafael,” he told her with a smile as he extended his arm.  “And this beautiful man here–” he nodded toward Sonny—” is my partner, and I call him Sunshine.  He’s the reason I’m going to get better.”  Looking at Sonny, Rafael’s eyes shone brightly, and he reached for Sonny’s hand with his free one.

Aaron and Kate were quite friendly, keeping the tone of their conversation light as they went through the steps of preparing Rafael for surgery.  He held on to Sonny’s hand through most of the preparation, although Sonny wasn’t sure which of them he was trying to comfort more.  As they began to shave the back of Rafael’s head, Lucia arrived, bringing a small bouquet of flowers.  “Good morning, mijo,” she greeted him, slipping in on his empty side and pressing a kiss to his cheek before looking at Sonny.  “Good morning, Sonny.”

“Hi, Lucia,” he responded with a smile.  “The flowers are beautiful.”

“Mami, why’d you bring flowers?” Rafael asked, grinning.  “That’s for after surgery, isn’t it?”  

“I want your room to look pleasant,” she told him when he started to roll his eyes.  “Don’t argue with your mother!”  

“Never,” he told her, and she shot him another smile as she took a seat near the window while Aaron and Kate finished shaving the back of Rafael’s head.  “Just remember, neither of us are hairstylists,” Aaron told him.  “But if you really hate it and need to have it fixed before you leave, we do have a lady who comes in once a week or so.  But you probably have someone–”

“I do,” Rafael agreed, then looked at Sonny, unsure.  “Don’t I?”

Sonny nodded.  “You do.  We’ll get it taken care of, babe.”

Dr. Basnight arrived a few minutes later, greeting them all pleasantly, then flipping through Rafael’s chart.  “How are you feeling today, Rafael?” he asked.

“Ready to get this ball out of my brain,” Rafael replied, to the chuckles of everyone in the room.  “I’ve heard you’re the guy for the job!”

“That’s what they tell me,” Dr. Basnight replied good-naturedly, then moved behind Rafael to inspect the back of his head.  “All right, Rafael, the good news is that once your hair grows back, nobody will ever know I went poking around back here.”  He moved his fingers down, tracing what felt to be the bottom of the skull.  “We’ll be entering in around here, and let the laser do its job as we map the tumor and destroy it.  About this time tomorrow, it’ll all be over and you’ll be resting comfortably in this bed.”

“I’m looking forward to that,” Rafael replied, and this time his smile was something that showed just how ready he was for this to be over with.

Dr. Basnight gently let go of Rafael’s head and stepped away from his patient.  “Okay, Rafael, Sonny, Mom…any last minute questions?”

All three looked at one another, then Rafael shook his head.  “Nope, doc,” he answered.  “I think we’re ready.”

“Just a reminder,” the doctor said, focusing on Sonny and Lucia, “this is a long surgery.  Remember, we’re estimating between twenty and twenty-two hours.  Sonny, Lucia, someone will be out to update you every couple of hours.  And remember, once it’s over, it’s going to take some recovery time before Rafael here wakes up.  He may be out for another twelve hours or so, trying to recover from such a major surgery, and even once he wakes, he may not have all of his function back immediately.  But we’ll get there.”  Looking at Rafael once more, he smiled.  “Aaron and Kate will be bringing you down to the OR in a few minutes, and I’ll see you there.”  Giving a friendly nod to Lucia and Sonny, Dr. Basnight left the room. 

“We’ll give you a minute to wish Rafael good luck,” Aaron told them, as he followed Kate out to the nurses’ station.  

Rafael looked at his mother first, and smiled.  “I’m going to be fine, Mama,” he said, and Sonny recognized the same confident, charming smile he used in court.  It was the one he used when he was trying to put on a brave face, yet only those closest to him knew that.  The rest of the world saw it as confidence.  Sonny, though, was certain that Lucia knew it for what it was–her son’s defenses when he was afraid.

“Of course you are, papito.”  Lucia leaned over and hugged him tightly, her eyes squeezed shut.  “I love you, Rafael,” she said gently, then whispered something quickly to him in Spanish.  Rafael nodded, then let go of her.  Lucia stood, a forced smile on her face.  “I’ll be in the waiting room, Sonny,” she said, then headed out of the room.

Sonny moved closer, then started to lean down, but Rafael caught him by his shirt.  “Pray with me?” he asked softly.  It was something Rafael had never asked him for before, but Sonny nodded, then reached into his pocket and produced his rosary.  Clutching it between their hands, Sonny whispered a prayer of protection, of healing, of God’s grace and mercy.  When it was done, he slipped the rosary back into his pocket.

“You’re going to do great,” he murmured, then pressed a kiss to Rafael’s temple.  “I’ll be waiting right here when you get out.”

Rafael nodded, and Sonny stood up to head for the door.  “Sunshine?  I love you.”

Sonny’s face relaxed into a smile.  “I love you too, Rafi.  Now go get rid of that ball.”

Rafael chuckled, and when Sonny stepped out of the room, Rafael wiped his eyes one last time.  He was ready.

Chapter Text

7:43 a.m.

“Good morning, Rafael.”  A young woman approached the chair they’d moved him into for surgery.  It was reclined, and would give the doctor plenty of room to work where he needed. “I’m Tia, your anesthesiologist.  Do you have any questions for me?”

Sonny had gone over everything with Rafael the night before, and although he hadn’t met the anesthesiologist until now, he understood the basic process she’d be using and her job to monitor his breathing throughout the surgery.  “I don’t think so,” he replied, feeling a little nervous as Aaron and Kate busily finished preparing trays and adjusting machines.  “You guys have done this before, right?”

Tia smiled.  “Many times,” she replied.  “I promise, you’re in good hands.”

Dr. Basnight entered then, gloved and masked with a clear shield over his face.  In fact, the only part of his face that was visible was his glasses, but Rafael could sense his warm smile as he approached.  “How are you doing, Rafael?” he asked, stepping behind the chair.  Rafael felt the chair begin to move upward as the doctor adjusted it.

“I’m okay,” Rafael answered shakily. 

“Good,” Dr. Basnight replied.  “Okay, Tia is going to place the mask over your nose and mouth, and all you need to do is follow her directions.  We’ll see you when you wake up.”

“Okay.”  He was already feeling drowsy when she placed the mask over his face, and he looked at her despite how heavy his eyelids felt.

“Okay Rafael, let’s count backwards from one hundred together.  One hundred, ninety-nine, ninety-eight…”

“Ninety-eigh…” he mumbled into the mask, eyelids drooping closed.  The last thing he saw was Tia’s friendly face, and his last thought was that when he awoke, he’d be himself again.

“Patient’s under and stable,” Tia said, and the doctor nodded.  “Thank you, Tia.  Alright, ladies and gentlemen, let’s give this man his life back.” 

*****

8:21 a.m.

“Here you are.”  Sonny handed Lucia a cup of coffee from the cafeteria.  “Two creams and a splenda, right?”

She smiled.  “Yes, thank you.”  

He took a seat beside her in the long, empty row of chairs.  There were a few other people in the waiting room, but for the most part, it was quiet.  There were two televisions hanging up high, on opposite ends of the room, but they had the sound off.  Sonny was thankful for that—he had the feeling he’d hear more than he wanted by the end of the day.

“So you’re Catholic, hmm?” 

Sonny turned to look at Lucia, feeling  caught off guard.  “Um, yeah, I am,” he confirmed with a nod.  “How did you know?”

“You’ve been playing with your crucifix off and on, ever since I got here today,” she told him.  “I saw it peeking out of your pocket a few times.”  She looked down at her cup, running a finger along the rim.  “Rafi used to do that all the time as a boy.  Back when he still believed.”

Sonny stared at her for a moment, until she looked at him.  Then he turned his eyes down to his own cup, biting his lip, but the words wouldn’t stay inside of him.  “You…you think he doesn’t believe?” he asked.  “I, uh…I think he, uh…I mean, maybe he doesn’t attend church anymore, but there’s a lot a person can do between attending mass and not believing at all—”

“Are you trying to say that you’ve seen Rafael practice his faith?” Lucia asked, her eyes narrowing.  “Or just that you know him better than me?”

Walked right into that one, he thought, biting his lip now so hard it was about to bleed.  “Uh, no!  Of course not, Lucia…I just…I mean, I know that Rafael still prays.  And he wears that crucifix all the time–”

“His abuelo gave that to him when he was seven,” she said sharply.  “And as for praying, he could die today.  All that means is he’s got good sense.”  A second later, she muttered, “Insurance,” and shook her head.

Sonny let out a long sigh.  He’d always sensed that Lucia didn’t care for him, but now this seemed to be glaring proof.  It was going to be incredibly uncomfortable to have to sit next to a woman who clearly disliked him for the next twenty-two hours.  But he’d do it for Rafael.  He’d do it a hundred times over for Rafael.

*****

12:19 p.m.

Tia checked the oxygen monitor again, making sure the patient was breathing steadily.  His levels were where they should be, and he was tolerating the anesthesia well.  

She always enjoyed working with Dr. Basnight’s team.  They were friendly and professional, and clearly knew what they were doing.  In fact, she’d told her mother just last week that if either of them ever had any neurological issues, she’d want a consult with Dr. Basnight first.  The man was just that good.

She could see the doctor carefully guiding the laser through the patient’s brain tissue.  This part of the surgery was always the part that made her the most nervous, because he hadn’t yet accessed the tumor.  The incredible skill and steadiness of hand it required to navigate the pathways wasn’t something that could be learned from a textbook; it required years of practice and, in Tia’s opinion anyway, unique talent.  But she’d seen for herself now the lives this man saved—lives that otherwise would have ended.  These were individuals that medicine had otherwise given up on.  She glanced down at the chair, at Rafael Barba, and wondered what his life had been like before his tumor began to grow aggressively. Did he contribute to society? Was he happy, living his life with family and friends who loved him? She wondered if he had known that, without the incredible luck of this surgery, there would have been nothing else anyone could do.  His life, however it was, would be over.

As she was thinking, she heard it.  “And there it is…the legendary brain ball.”

Looking up to the screen that was magnifying the pathway Dr. Basnight made through the patient’s brain, she could see the small end of the tumor.  It was a tiny, off-colored mass, and Tia knew from experience that this was just the tail end of it.  Dr. Basnight would next begin the task of destroying the tumor, cell by cell, until he was convinced it was eradicated.  

“Tia, how’s he doing?” Dr. Basnight asked, and she checked her machines again.

“Very steady, doctor.  Oxygenation at ninety-eight percent, blood pressure is one-thirty over seventy-eight,” she shared.

“Good.  Time to play a little game I like to call Tumor Tetris.”

*****

2:19 p.m. 

“It’s been three hours since they last came out,” Lucia said as she paced the floor nearby.  “Shouldn’t someone be out soon?”  She cast a look in Sonny’s direction.  “Should I go ask how he’s doing?  I’m going to go ask.  This is ridiculous!” 

He watched as she headed to the nurses’ station, a walk as determined as her son’s in a courtroom, and Sonny sighed again.

He knew she was nervous, and he didn’t blame her.  His own nerves were wrapped tighter than a string.  Ever since their words earlier, conversation had been awkward and clipped between them.  He watched as Lucia exchanged words with one of the nurses, imagining what they might be saying, until he suddenly heard his name.

Rita Calhoun was standing there, arms crossed in front of her.  She was dressed more casually than he’d ever seen her, in a designer jogging suit and her hair pulled back in a ponytail, and now she was looking at Sonny like he was clueless.  Or maybe useless.  He wasn’t sure.  

“I’m sorry, what did you say?” he asked.

“I asked how Rafi is,” she replied, then stepped next to him and sank into the seat Lucia had been sitting in.  “I’m assuming everything’s going fine so far, right?  You wouldn’t still be sitting here if he was dead.”

It was all Sonny could do not to scream at her choice of words.  “The last we heard was about three hours ago.  They said he was doing well, and they’d entered the brain but had not gotten to the tumor yet.  Hopefully they’ve made it by now.”

“Hopefully,” she echoed, crossing her legs.  “Jesus, how hard is it to find the bigass fucking thing that doesn’t belong?”

At first, Sonny thought she was talking about him, but then she turned to look at him, and her face softened.  “You doing okay so far?” she asked gently.

He nodded.  “Yeah.  So far.”

“We’ll get through this together,” she told him with a decisive nod of her own.  “Where’s Lucia?  I know she’s got to be here.”

Sonny motioned toward the nurse’s station.  “She’s unhappy with me.  I said something I probably shouldn’t have, something I knew about Rafael, and she thought I was trying to say I knew him better than her.”

Rita rolled her eyes.  “Good lord Jesus.  You know she does that to everyone, Sonny.  She’s just vetting you, making sure you’re not planning to skip out on her son when things get rough–”

“Rough?” he repeated, arching his brows.  “Has she not been around the last three months?”

*****

7:57 p.m.

Landon repositioned the laser again, slightly to the right.  “Slow and steady wins the race,” he muttered to himself, as the laser destroyed another cluster of cells in Rafael Barba’s brain.

This task was the most tedious part of the surgery.  After nearly twelve hours, they were in the heart of the tumor.  There wasn’t as much requiring his skill right now, just slow and steady movements, along with time.  Unlike the earlier parts of surgery, where he had to avoid destroying active and necessary brain tissue, now he just had to focus on killing all of the tumor’s cells.  He could see where the tumor had spread, and in another few hours, he’d need to carefully prune away the parts that were stretching into other healthy tissue.  But for now, it was a less than interesting process.  

Clearing his throat, he had an idea.  “Let’s put some music on,” Landon said to his nurses.  “Something fun.  Current.  The patient enjoys that, too.”  He knew that while the patient was unconscious, his subconscious would still pick up on any music they played. During one of their few conversations, he had learned that Rafael Barba and his partner enjoyed current holiday music, including Hispanic artists. They’d had on Thalia’s latest Christmas album when Landon had stopped by that day.  “Aaron!” he called as the other man made his way to the control panel, “Hispanic Christmas music that’s current! That’s what we need.”

A minute later, the room filled with Mariah Carey’s “All I Want for Christmas Is You”, and the doctor grinned.  “Close, Aaron,” he teased.  “You’re close, but no cigar.”

“It’s not like I had a ton of choices!” the nurse defended himself as they all chuckled, feeling a release of tension in the air.

And when Rafael Barba’s blood pressure dropped slightly, Tia chose to believe it was due to his enjoyment of the music, rather than just coincidence.

*****

8:33 p.m.

“They’re in the heart of the tumor right now,” a nurse relayed to them.  “Mr. Barba continues to remain stable.  Dr. Basnight wanted me to let you all know that he is doing very well, and they seem to be moving along on schedule.”

Lucia was standing, her arms crossed in front of her again.  Rita had risen and taken a place next to the older woman, wrapping an arm around her.  “See?” Sonny heard Rita say.  “Rafael’s doing really well, Lucia.  Just like we knew he would.”

“Speak for yourself,” Lucia replied, her tone as sharp as ever.  Pulling away from Rita, she grabbed her purse from the chair.  “I’m going to the cafeteria.  Do you two want anything?”

Sonny shook his head, even though his stomach was rolling on itself.  There was no way he was going to impose on Rafael’s mother today.  “No thank you,” he said, and Rita was saying the same thing.  Lucia looked at Sonny, then at Rita, and shook her head again.  “I don’t know why you’re starving yourselves,” she said, then turned and headed to the elevator.

Rita sat down next to Sonny.  “Hey, you should go home for a bit,” she told him.  “You’ve been here all day, and you’ve got to be exhausted–”

“Why is she like that?” he asked suddenly, unable to help himself.  “I don’t understand it.  She’s never been so openly rude to me before.”

“She’s terrified,” Rita said, folding her hands in her lap.  “Like I said, she’s like that with everyone on a good day, but today, she’s terrified she’ll be burying her son.  You’ve just got to let it roll off of you.”  Nudging him, she moved closer.  “Look, Sonny…you need to go home and take a nap.  When you get back, then I’ll go for a bit.  I don’t want to leave Lucia here by herself, but you’ve got to get a little sleep.  When I was over for the party, Rafi asked me to make sure you went home for a nap, at least.”  A soft smile appeared.  “I promised I would.”

Sonny paused, thinking about it.  “You sure?  And you’ll call me if anything changes?  Anything at all?”

Rita nodded.  “I will.  Go.”

Feeling his stomach roll over once again, Sonny agreed, standing up.  “I’ll be back in a few hours,” he promised, then headed toward the elevator.

*****

10:19 p.m.

He felt incredibly thankful for Rita.

Sonny was feeling loads better, and more positive about the surgery now that he’d eaten and grabbed a shower.  He was lying in Rafael’s bed, more relaxed than he’d been all day, when he noticed the notebook lying on the nightstand.

He’d seen it before.  It was a small composition-type book that Rafael used, and Sonny saw him writing in it regularly.  He’d once asked what Rafael used it for, and his partner had smiled.  “Just notes and things about this wild journey they call my illness,” he’d replied.  

The cover of the notebook read, “Life with a Brain Ball”.

Sonny chuckled and picked it up.  He’d never really taken the time to look at it before, but tonight, he found himself curious.  Maybe Rafael had written something in there that would be helpful to his doctors.  Maybe he’d written more about how he felt about all of this.

Maybe he’d written about Sonny.

Pausing, Sonny considered the moral dilemma of reading someone else’s journal.  Maybe it wasn’t really that personal, but considering Rafael hadn’t shared it, Sonny kind of had the feeling that it was.  He knew it was wrong, but he was curious, and he really, REALLY wanted to know what was in there. Exhaling a sharp breath, he opened the notebook.

The first few pages had recordings of Rafael’s blood pressure and weight.  As the numbers grew more current, there began to be emojis drawn next to them–something that the old Rafael never would have used, but the newer one did.  Seeing them made Sonny smile for a moment, and he flipped the page.

There were names and numbers of doctors, hospitals, and agencies who worked with people like Rafael, people who were dealing with big neurological changes.  The next page held names of therapists and companies of people who provided therapeutic help.

Sonny was surprised to see the initial organization of the notebook, but noticed that the later the notes ran, the messier the handwriting was and the less organized everything became.  He continued flipping through, finding a few pages of doodles, and was about to put it away when he found what he was looking for.

Nearly halfway through, the pages suddenly were filled with journal entries.  Pages and pages of Rafael’s writing, his thoughts about all kinds of things, it looked like.  Sonny paused, debating briefly, then began to read.

Chapter Text

9-28

This notebook is a suggestion of Dr. Ellory’s, so I can remember all the things I’m going to forget over the next six months.

Today I was given my death sentence–a brain tumor that will kill me in about six months.  It’s aggressive and will affect memory and language, as well as emotions.  I nearly laughed when she said that.  Do I even have those? I know plenty of people who would argue that I don’t.

So many things I have to do now–I need to contact my financial advisor and my estate attorney–take a final look at my will before I get to the point anyone could contest it.  I don’t think anyone would, but I don’t want to leave room for Mami to argue that anything should be going to the Catholic church in an effort to save my soul.  It’s honestly too late for that.

I have to find someone to care for me for the next six months.  I’ve done a little reading today, and I think if I hire someone for the next ninety days, I can get away with telling everyone I plan to go into either assisted living or hospice care at that point.  Of course I have no plan of doing any such thing.  Before that happens, I’ll take my life, and it’ll all be done.  There’s no way I’m going to hang around like dear ole Papi, pissing on myself and having strangers wipe my ass and clean me.  No, a bullet to the brain is a MUCH more dignified way to leave this world. I’m going to write GUN at the top of each journal entry, so I don’t forget about it.

In the meantime, though, I’m trying to narrow down a list of people I could ask.  I can’t ask my mother–it would kill her to see that every day.  Same with Ree.  I thought of Liv, but the last thing I want is for someone I’ve wanted so much, fantasized about having a life with, to take care of me as I wither away.  That’s cruel to her and pitiful on my end, and I won’t do it.

I’ve thought quite a bit about Sonny Carisi.  I know he’s attracted to me, so I think I could sell it.  He cares, and he’s a nice guy.  I’m pretty certain I can trust him, and thank God I can afford to match his salary for three months.  Plus, he thinks he owes me because I helped him prep for the bar.  He doesn’t owe me anything, but I may wait to tell him that until he’s agreed to help.

10-3 GUN

Sonny moved in yesterday.  It’s odd, living with someone again. The last person I lived with was a few years back, with Jacob, and we’d been dating.  Sonny was definitely someone on my dating radar, but to be honest, I’ve always been so attracted to Olivia that I haven’t pursued much with anyone else.  I think there’s a part of me that will always be in love with her, especially now that I really don’t have time left. Sonny has jumped right in, like he’s my personal servant or something.  I’m going to have to clarify my thoughts on that.

I had to tell Olivia today about the diagnosis, and I think I would have preferred stabbing my eye with a burning stake.  She cried.  I wasn’t expecting that.  I certainly don’t deserve it—I’ve never done anything for her that should inspire that level of affection.

10-9 GUN

Had a dream last night that I’d died and was at my own funeral.  It was actually quite nice–one of those memorials where everyone shared happy memories about the deceased.  But the craziest part was that I was married to Sonny Carisi.  And he led everyone in laughing and crying and sharing such beautiful joy.  About me, of all people.  Crazy.

10/14 GUN

What the actual fuck.  I got up this morning and called Carmen for my schedule, just like I’ve done every day for years, only to hear I no longer work there.  I felt like such a fool, and not only that, but it suddenly occurred to me that everything I’d invested in, all the years of work and study and skipping out on fun things so I could study and be the best?  None of it matters now.  I told God to just go ahead and end it.  What’s the point of being here for the next six months?

Sonny came into the bedroom and tried to make me feel better.  He was very sweet, like always.  Sometimes I wonder how God fits so much care and beauty into one single person, but then I remember I’m not even sure He exists any more.  Once he left the bedroom, I went to the gun safe in my closet.  I held my pistol for a minute, considering ending it all, but then I thought it would be unfair to Mami.  I haven’t even told her yet–or Ree.  It’s tempting, though.

10-16 GUN

Two things to note:

• I’m starting a new drug trial that might save my life, so it’s probably good I didn’t end it the other day.

• I fucked Sonny.

It’s hard to say which of those is the best.  He’s even hotter naked than I thought.

10-25 GUN

Happy birthday to me–we ended up in California for the start of the drug trial on my birthday.  It was actually a pretty great time, OTHER than the hospital time…we had great food, stayed in a great hotel, and Sonny blew me to the tune of “Happy Birthday”.  I swear I will never again hear that song without seeing him sucking my cock.

It’s odd, now that I'm dying, I’m letting Sonny in without being scared.  I tell him how I’m feeling, I let him care for me, I take the more submissive role these days, which is something I don’t normally do.  When I used to imagine what it would be like if we ever got together, I never imagined THIS.  But I like it anyway.  In fact, every day I feel closer to him.  I know our time is short, and it’s even shorter because my memory is so tenuous some days that it’s embarrassing.  I already feel the urge at times to just burst out with an “I love you”.  The only thing that holds me back is picturing the look on his face–right before he calls the psych ward!

I already regret the lack of time we have.  I wish we had so much more time, even if it was just for the sex.  This man is beautiful, and I could spend hours every day letting him know.

HAL-O-WEEN GUN GUN GUN GUN GUN!!!

Why the fuck do we even have such a stupid goddamn holiday?  My head has been splitting in two most of the day and tonight, the doorbell keeps ringing from all these greedy assholes who want CANDY.  Don’t these little fuckers know that if we had candy, we’d be eating it ourselves?

Or not.  I swear I’ve been feeling like puking too.  Maybe I’m getting a cold or something.  Sonny took my temperature like five times today but it’s normal, he says.  I still think we should unhook the doorbell and go to bed, but for some stupid reason, he wants to feed the beggars.

November–start of gun

Can’t remember date.  Feel like crap, like this thing has taken over my brain.  First time thinking I may die soon.  Sonny helps but I’m just so sick.  Should I use the gun now?

I love you Mama.  If someone reads, tell her.

11-16 gun

So much better now.  Turns out drug trial made me sick.  I’m starting a different one soon, and hopefully it’ll be much better.  I honestly thought I was going to die, and I suddenly realized I was nowhere near ready to go.  I don’t know what I’ll do once I really have to say goodbye. No more writing GUN.  No more.

11-25

I forgot about this book!  Sunshine came with me to the new drug test, and so far it seems okay.  I’m just so happy I’m not puking all the time.  My friend came over the other day.  Sunshine says her name’s Rita.  We went to school together.  Not in the Bronx, the nicer one.  I hope one day I can work again.  That would be so good.

December.

I can’t remember the date and my phone isn’t in here.  If I forget I look at it and it tells me the day.  Or my sunshine does.  I keep forgetting about this book, that’s why I don’t write so much.  This new medicine is much better.  I never throw up now.  I feel happy, mostly.  But I can’t think of lots of words I used to know.  My sunshine says it’s okay and he loves me anyway.  Even if I only use little words now. 

My doctor says she knows a guy who can fix my brain ball.  Take it out, I mean.  If he takes it out, my brain might work right again.  That is so good.  Sometimes I get scared that he will leave.  My sweet sunshine.  I love him so much but he won’t want to stay with me if I keep sounding so dumb.  He’s so smart.  Like I used to be. Sometimes I hear him talk on the phone and he sounds so smart.  I don’t know what he means.  I get mixed up, but I don’t tell him.  I don’t want him to leave if I don’t understand.

12-23

I have my brain ball operation when I get up.  Sunshine is sad.  He thinks I will die.  But I tell him no, I get it fixed.  Then he will be happy and I will be so smart like him again.  Then I don’t have to die with a gun.

My old friend Liv came to my party with a lot of other ones I know.  She’s so pretty and I think I used to love her.  But now I love Sunshine.  Always.  Liv gave me hugs and I fell asleep.  I like her boobs and I tell Sunshine so.  He’s funny.  I love him so so much.

Sonny closed the journal, then put it in the nightstand drawer.  He’d had no idea that Rafael had a pistol in the house and had been considering suicide.  He also hadn’t realized how much the loss of Rafael’s language skills had impacted him.  He wished there had been a way he could reassure Rafael that he loved him just as he was, and had no plans of leaving–ever.  But at the same time, he understood that fear.  It was one he used to feel when he compared himself to Rafael prior to the tumor; he often felt small and ignorant compared to someone so skilled, so adept.  It broke his heart to think of Rafael feeling that way now.

Setting his alarm for 3 a.m., Sonny turned off the light and tried to catch some sleep.

Chapter Text

4:39 a.m.

Rafael blinked a handful of times, hardly able to believe what he was seeing. He felt as though he were floating, and his point of view seemed to confirm that. Dr. Basnight was leaning over him, guiding a small laser through his brain. Kate was suctioning some kind of secretions–blood, maybe?  Tia checked her machine again, then wrote something down.  Aaron seemed to be charting something, but Rafael wasn’t sure what it was. Reaching around, to the back of his head, Rafael checked to make sure everything was there.  Hmm, hair and skull intact…so what was he seeing beneath him?  And how was he floating above it?

He closed his eyes, and the next moment he was trudging through a snowy forest, a small cozy cabin in front of him.  There was a simple wooden bench in the front yard, and a man in a red suit with white fur trim was sitting on it.  A red hat covered his head, and he seemed to be completely absorbed in whatever he was doing–to Rafael, it looked as though he were carving some wood.  For a second, he thought it was Santa Claus, but then he realized this man had dark brown hair.  It couldn’t be Santa Claus, anyway–he didn’t exist. Plus, this guy had a mustache…and an olive skin tone…

“Take a picture.  It’ll last longer,” he heard in the same gruff voice he’d spent half his life attempting to forget.

Rafael bent down, trying to see the man’s face.  “Papi?” he asked, hardly believing.

His father let out a humorous laugh.  “Yeah, it’s me.  Who were you expecting, Santa Claus?”  Miguel lifted his head to look his son in the eye.

Rafael stood up straight.  “Well,” he replied, arching an eyebrow.  “I mean, if the boots fit…”

They both glanced at his father’s heavy black boots, dirty with soot and ash, and the older man huffed.  “Goddammit,” he cursed.  “I swear, I just cleaned these damn things!  One little trip around the world and they’re a complete mess again.”

Rafael let out a loud laugh.  “Are you trying to tell me that you’re Santa Claus?” he asked.  “You, the man who hated Christmas?  The guy who asked for beer and solitude every year as his presents?”

Miguel frowned.  “Hey, people can change, you know.”  Letting out a sigh, he went back to working on the small piece of wood in his hand.  “What are you doing here, anyway?”

“I’m not really sure,” Rafael replied, looking around for the first time.  The cozy cottage sat alone in a clearing, a sea of trees in every direction.  “How in the hell do you run a Christmas operation from here?  You don’t have any toymaker shop, no elves or reindeer or anything.  You don’t even have a barn. ”

“I have a missus Claus, inside the cottage,” his father replied, sounding somewhat defensive.  “Besides, it’s Christmas day.  I’m on vacation now.”

Rafael shook his head.  “This makes absolutely no sense,” he muttered, as much to himself as his father.  “You of all people are now Santa Claus, and you’re on vacation in a little cottage, and you have another wife, and–”  He shook his head again, feeling the start of another migraine.  “Am I high right now?”

“You’re not high, mijo.”  Setting down the carving in his hand, Miguel patted the bench next to him.  “Sit down, Rafi.”

Rafael followed his father’s instruction and took a seat, feeling confused.

“When I was alive, I was a fucking asshole,” Miguel said, and Rafael snorted.  Loudly.  Miguel’s brow furrowed.  “Hey, I’m owning up to it.  You don’t have to be an asshole, too.  The big guy keeps up with all that, trust me.”

“Okay, we both agree, you were an asshole,” Rafael told him with an unapologetic grin on his face.  “So what does that have to do with this?”

“It’s karma,” his father explained.  “I put a lot of negativity out there in the world while I was alive, so I needed a way to make up for it. People like me, who die while owing the world some karmic justice, end up in positions where they have to give it back.  You know, jobs like wish-granters or falling stars.  Some people end up being a jiminy cricket, sitting on a shoulder and whispering the right thing to do in someone’s ear.” He gave an involuntary shudder. “This position just happened to be open when I kicked the bucket, thank God, so I took it.” Miguel shrugged.  “It’s not so bad.  I’m learning to do some good shit, Rafi.  Learning how great it is to see a kid smile.  I missed out on all that with you, and I stole a lot of that from other people too.  Like your mami.”  His voice grew wistful.  “I took a lot from that woman, and I’ll always regret that.”

Rafael’s face hardened into something angry.  “You should.  You should have to live with that guilt forever for what you did to her–and to me.  To both of us.”

Miguel nodded.  “I know.  Every time I leave another little boy a book, or a stuffed animal, or a game like chess or checkers, it reminds me of all the chances I passed up doing that for you.  And I’ll regret that forever, mijo.”  Daring to look directly into his son’s eyes, Miguel said, “I’m sorry.”

Rafael stared at him for a moment, then let out a soft chuckle.  “Sorry, Papi…I just never thought I’d hear you say that.”

Miguel chuckled too.  “Yeah, me either.  But doing this has given me a lot of second chances that I needed, and I get to do some really cool karmic interference from time to time.  Like your friend who adopted that baby, what’s his name? Abraham? Lot? Jesus?”

Fighting back the urge to snort again, Rafael corrected him.  “Noah, Papi.  Noah, the guy from the flood.”

Miguel snapped his fingers.  “That’s right!  Well, obviously a baby needs a mother, and it was karma to make sure she found him that night–”

“You made sure Liv adopted Noah,” Rafael surmised cynically.  “Are you for real?”

“I’m sitting right next to you, Rafael,” his father replied earnestly. “Why in the world would you think this isn’t real?”

Taking in the red suit, the boots, and the landscape, Rafael cleared his throat.  “I don’t know.”

“Which reminds me,” his father continued, “why ARE you here?  Your Christmas present was that surgery you needed.  I set the whole thing up, had Evie Barnes drop her pen at the right time so she’d see you and tell her husband. Aren’t you in surgery right now?”

“I think I was,” Rafael replied, trying to remember what he’d seen when he first woke up.  “Yeah, and then I somehow ended up here, with you.”

Now Miguel stood up.  “You can’t be here,” he said firmly.  “Once you’re here too long, you can’t go back.  And you’re not supposed to be here yet.”  He pointed toward the forest, and Rafael saw a trail appear.  “See that trail into the forest?  You need to follow that back, mijo.”

Rafael stood up.  “But I have questions, Papi.  Am I going to be okay?  Is Sonny going to stay?  What if I go back and I end up not being myself again?”

“Rafi.”  Miguel smiled gently at him.  “Son, you will never be the same.  You can’t be.  You’ve learned from this what it’s like not to have time.  You’ve learned how important it is not to waste time.  You will want to make changes, and you should.  Don’t be a stubborn sonofabitch like me, okay?  And as for your sunshine, Rafi?”  He reached over and squeezed one shoulder.  “You’ll always have sunshine in your life, if your heart is open to it.  Now go…hurry, before it’s too late!”

Just then, a blonde woman with wrinkles and a cigarette hanging from her lips stuck her head out of the front door of the cottage.  “Hey Mikey!” she called to Miguel.  “You gonna eat or what?”

Looking at his son’s shocked face, Miguel smiled.  “She’s new.  Takes some time to get adjusted, y’know?”  Turning slightly, he called, “Yes, Doris!  I’ll be there shortly!”  Turning back to Rafael, he nodded toward the trail.  “Go, Rafi…hurry, son.  Don’t be late!”

Deciding to take his father’s word, Rafael headed toward the trail.  When he got to the edge of the forest, he swore he could hear it—Jose Feliciano’s Feliz Navidad , and he followed it until he grew sleepy.  Closing his eyes, he hoped he would make it back to wherever he was supposed to be.

Papi seemed to have his shit together this time, but one life with him had been enough. He wasn’t interested in being Santa Claus’ son right now. Besides, he had so much more he wanted to do with Sonny….

So very much more.

*****

4:42 a.m.

“That’s it,” Aaron announced.  “That’s the whole thing.  You got it.”

Landon gave a quick nod.  “Good catch, Aaron.  That loose cell cluster would have ruined the whole point of this operation.”

There was a reason that he’d trained Aaron on using those telescopic glasses the nurse was wearing.  On the rare occasions that a small cluster of cells broke free and tried to float off in an artery, the lenses on Aaron’s glasses allowed him to see and track it, so it could be destroyed before causing a clot.  Three minutes ago, just such an event had started, but Aaron was able to see the cell cluster as it slowed and began to clog the artery.  He then guided Landon to it, and the doctor quickly destroyed it before the blockage could permanently harm the patient.  In the past, cell clusters like this would have resulted in a stroke for the patient, and possibly death.  

It was a tense three minutes, but now they were back on track, with Feliz Navidad joyfully lightening the mood.

Chapter Text

8:47 a.m.

“Do a second check,” Landon told Aaron, and the nurse continued to scan the area the tumor had occupied, as well as nearby arteries.

As exhausting as this surgery was for Landon, it never got old.  He had gotten to remove a creeping mass of discolored tissue that was stealing his patient’s life; already, the recently exposed brain tissue was pinking up.  That was a good sign–it meant the tissue was still alive and functional, and Rafael Barba may just regain most, if not all, of what he’d lost.

“We’re good, doc,” he heard Aaron’s voice reply a few minutes later, and Landon couldn’t suppress the grin on his face.

“We’re done, folks,” he announced.  “Let’s get Mr. Barba closed back up and ready to heal.”

*****

10:07 a.m.

Sonny rested his head in his hand, elbow on the edge of the chair.

He’d made it back around four this morning, and Rita had left shortly afterward with Lucia to get a few hours of rest.  It had taken some encouragement from both of them to get Lucia to go home, but finally she’d agreed to let Rita give her a ride.  Sonny had spent most of the early morning reading and drinking coffee; at this point, he’d had so much coffee he felt like he was going to puke caffeine.

The surgery was officially supposed to be over around five a.m.; Sonny had casually made his way to the nurse’s station around 5:30 to check and see if they’d heard anything.  A grandmotherly-type of nurse named Janet had smiled sympathetically at him.  “We haven’t heard anything yet, honey.  I know it’s a long wait, but as soon as I hear anything at all, I’ll get right over to you, okay?”

He smiled and thanked her, then did his best to stay out of their way, despite the fact his anxiety was killing him.  He’d agreed to text both Rita and Lucia as soon as he knew absolutely anything, and as he’d waited, he realized how much smarter they were than him.  THIS was the time that was hard to wait–the time when Rafael should be getting out of surgery–not the time when they all expected him to still be in the OR. 

At eight, Sonny finally gave in and snuck back up to the nurse’s station.  “I’m sorry to bother you again,” he began, “but–”

“Oh my God,” the young nurse behind the desk gasped.  “I was supposed to tell you an hour ago–Mr. Barba is out of surgery and he’s in recovery.  They had one minor issue that slowed them down, Dr. Basnight said, but otherwise, he did great.  You all should be able to see him around noon today.”

“Yeah?” Sonny asked, so relieved that tears flooded his eyes.  He immediately forgot the fact he’d been worried.  “That’s fantastic…that’s so fantastic!  Thank you so much!”

And when he sat down, he sent a text to both women:  He’s in recovery.  They said there was one minor hangup that took a little longer, but he did great and we can see him around noon!

He’d smiled when he received a response nearly immediately from Lucia:  Praise God.  Thank you, Sonny.  Thank you so much.

Rita’s had come in a minute later:  Well duh.  Of course he rocked it.

Then he’d shoved his phone back in his pocket, gotten in a semi-comfy position, and promptly snoozed.  Which was exactly where he was when Rita and Lucia returned.

“Hey,” Rita nudged him.  Sonny didn’t move, instead letting out a soft snore.  She frowned and knocked his elbow nearly off the arm of the chair it was resting on.  “Hey!” she said a bit more loudly, and Sonny’s eyes opened just in time to catch himself before his face collided with the chair arm.  Rita grinned at his confusion as he looked up at her.  “Merry Christmas,” she told him, handing him a large coffee from the fancy coffee shop next to the hospital.

Feeling his stomach roll slightly, Sonny schooled his expression anyway.  “Thanks,” he replied, taking the coffee and then the sandwich she handed him.

“That was rude of you, Rita, knocking the poor man’s arm out from under him like that,” Lucia admonished the other woman as she nodded toward a table.  “Should we sit at a table and eat like human beings?”

The three of them moved to a small round table with room enough for four.  Sonny found himself surprised when Lucia took a seat next to him.  Rita sat across from him, next to Lucia.  The older woman folded her hands to pray, and Sonny joined her.

“Papito says you’re a Catholic,” Lucia commented as they began to eat their breakfasts, and Sonny nodded.

“Yes ma’am,” he told her.  “Italian Catholic, so it’s a huge part of our lives.”  He paused for a moment.  “I didn’t mean to offend you yesterday about Rafael’s relationship with God.  Obviously, I’ve only known him a short amount of time–”

Lucia waved a hand dismissively.  “Forget it.  I have.”

Sonny swallowed, feeling the need to say more.  “I appreciate that, but I just want you to know–”

Rita and Lucia both looked at him at the same time.  Lucia’s eyes had narrowed, and Rita was mouthing SHUT. UP.   

Sonny guessed his face gave something away, because Lucia turned to look at Rita, who smiled at her.  “You have any ketchup in your bag, Lucia?” she asked, and Sonny took the opportunity to stop talking.

They continued to eat, chatting lightly.  As they finished, Rita picked up the trash and went to throw it away.  

“I think we both know that I’m the one who owes the apology,” Lucia said suddenly.  “I jumped down your throat for no reason yesterday.  I did it because I was stressed and because I could, and I’m not proud of it.”  She cleared her throat, then met Sonny’s eyes.  “I hope you’ll forgive me.”

Sonny smiled at her, patting her hand.  “There’s nothing to be forgiven,” he told her.  “It’s been horribly stressful for all of us, but you more than anyone. I’m just so glad that he’s made it through, and we can see him in less than an hour.”

She beamed then, eyes shining.  “Me too.”

Rita rejoined them.  “So have you sent out a text to everyone yet?” she asked Sonny, referring to the group text they’d put together to notify all of Rafael’s friends and family.

Sonny shook his head.  “Not yet, but I can do it now…”

Happy Holidays, friends!  It certainly is a happy one for us.  As you may remember, Rafael’s brain surgery was yesterday.  It was a 22 hour surgery, and we just got word a little while ago that Rafael did incredibly well and is in recovery now.  I’m here with Lucia and Rafael’s good friend Rita, and we will get to visit him in about an hour.  Please remember that if you’re hoping to visit, he will probably still be out of it for the next couple of days more than he’s alert, so it would be best to wait a couple of days before visiting. I’ll let you know more as I do, but if things go according to plan, Rafael should be back home before the New Year.

Thank you for all your support and prayers–I know Rafael has greatly appreciated them.

*****

12:17 p.m.

“Two of you can go in at once,” the nurse explained quietly, “and the third can go in after.  Dr. Basnight would like to keep visits short today.  Rafael may wake up, but he will probably be fuzzy if he does.  The doctor wants to give him today to rest, and then we’ll begin working with him tomorrow in short spurts.”

Sonny wasn’t sure what that meant.  “Lucia, you need to go in first,” Rita said, and he immediately nodded in agreement.

“Then Rita needs to come with me,” Lucia said, and for a second, Sonny thought he and Lucia hadn’t patched up anything at all.  But then the older woman pointed at him.  “Sonny, you go after us, so you can have time alone with him, yes?”

“Are you sure?” he asked, stunned at her generosity.  She nodded, then he did.  “Thank you.”  He watched as the two women donned masks, then followed the nurse into the room.

Sonny took a seat outside of the hospital room, watching through the glass door.  He could easily see Lucia kiss Rafael’s cheek, and both women settle into chairs.  The tenderness with which Lucia stroked her son’s face brought tears to Sonny’s eyes.  He thought of his own mother, his family, who would be settling down for Christmas dinner right around now.  It would be loud and boisterous like it always was; kids excited from Santa’s visit and adults excited to be  eating and seeing one another again.  His ma’s and aunts’ dishes would be delicious, and everyone’s plates would be overflowing.  Then his dad, or maybe one of his uncles, would say the same thing they always did at Christmas dinner:  “Well, we sure are a blessed bunch, aren’t we?”.  And they’d all agree, then bow their heads to thank God for all they had.

He was still lost in thought when he felt someone touch his shoulder.  “Sonny,” Lucia said quietly, eyes damp, “it’s your turn now.”

Nodding, Sonny stood and slowly headed into Rafael’s room.

As soon as the door shut behind him, Sonny was immediately overcome by how quiet it was. The only sounds were from the machines, mainly the rhythmic beeping measuring his partner’s heartbeat.  Moving closer to Rafael’s bed, he felt a sense of relief wash over him, followed immediately by an immense amount of gratitude.  He leaned over to press a gentle kiss to Rafael’s cheek, then sank into the chair behind him.

Rafael was still, a soft smile on his face.  Sonny found himself smiling in return, and reached over to hold the other man’s hand.  “Hey Rafi,” he murmured, “it’s me, Sonny.  You made it, baby.  You did a great job, and I can’t wait to see those beautiful green eyes again.”

As if on cue, Rafael’s eyelids began to flutter, and Sonny held his breath.  A few seconds later, Rafael slowly opened his eyes, and his lips pulled into a soft smile.  “My sunshine,” he managed, then closed his eyes again.  “Water?”

“Of course.”  Sonny grabbed the cup of ice water that one of the nurses had left, and held it to Rafael’s mouth to drink. Rafael sipped at the cup slowly, a bit uncoordinated, but managed to get enough down. Sonny set the cup back on the tray table, then sat back in his seat.

After a moment, Rafael’s eyes opened again and he met Sonny’s gaze. Once he did, he seemed to relax slightly, then squeezed the hand holding his.  “Te amo, Sonny,” he sighed, then closed his eyes again as though those words had just drained him of all the energy he had.

Sonny kissed Rafael’s hand, then watched as he drifted back to sleep just moments later.

7:23 p.m.

Collapsing onto Rafael’s couch, Sonny took a long swallow of beer.  It had been quite a day, to say the least, and he’d finally made it home to rest before heading back in the morning.

His job involving care of Rafael would officially end after tomorrow–the ninety days they’d agreed upon would be over–but he knew he wouldn’t be going anywhere. He loved this man, and had fallen in love with him as he cared for him.  It was possible to make the argument that he’d been a little in love with Rafael Barba when they’d worked side by side at SVU; he’d always admired the passion Rafael had for his job, and his personality had been engaging and sexy from day one.  Sonny smirked to himself now, recalling the way Rafael commanded a courtroom, looking so fine and sounding so intelligent and empathic.  Was it really any wonder he’d fallen head over heels for the man?

A sudden sharp knock at the front door tore him away from his thoughts, and Sonny stood to answer it.

Peering through the peephole, he nearly gasped aloud.

“Pop!” Sonny announced as he swung the door wide open, then reached toward his father, who was laden with gifts.  “Come in…geez, you didn’t have to bring any of this…can I help?”

“Whaddya mean I didn’t have to bring any of this?” Dom asked his son, chuckling between harsh huffs of breath.  “They all have your name on ‘em…figured this was where they belonged, right?”  Together, they set the packages down by the tree.

“You want a beer or anything?” Sonny asked his dad, then motioned toward the recliner.  “Why don’t you grab a seat?”

“Sure, that’d be great,” his dad replied, and headed toward the chair while Sonny went to grab the beer. When Sonny returned, he handed his dad a Michelob, then took a seat on the couch near his father.  

Dom immediately took a swig, then set the beer on the coffee table.  “So…how’d the surgery go?”

Sonny nodded.  “Great, actually,” he replied, unaware of the huge grin on his face.  “He came through with flying colors, the doc said.  They’re hopeful he’ll make a near-complete recovery.”

Dom nodded.  “That’s fantastic, son.  I’m glad to hear it.”  He picked up his beer again, but seemed to pause for a moment.  “We missed you today, but I think just about everyone understood.”

Sonny blinked in surprise.  “They did?”

“Mmhmm.”  Father and son sat quietly for a few moments, drinking their beer, and Sonny wondered if his father was going to say any more.  His dad was a quiet, thoughtful man, and took his time to speak.  Just as Sonny was about to ask a question about how the day had gone, his father spoke up again.  “Your ma, y’know…she loves all you kids with her entire heart, so it’s hard sometimes for her to hear that somethin’ might be more important than whatever it is she’s planned.”  Dom took another sip of beer, then looked at his son.  “She’s comin’ around, though.  I’d still try to make a point to see her before the end of the year, though, if you don’t’ want her head to spin entirely off her body.”

Sonny relaxed into a chuckle, and his dad joined him.  “I wasn’t trying to disappoint her,” he told his father.  “I just…we didn’t know if Rafi was gonna live or die at that point, and I couldn’t…I mean, I would never forgive myself if he passed while I was enjoying Christmas with you guys.” The admission hit him hard, and he blinked fast to keep the tears at bay, but failed miserably.  His dad handed him a tissue.

“I think she’s startin’ to understand that,” Dom said gently.  “This guy, this Rafael? He’s not just an employer or a buddy, is he?”

Sonny hesitated, wiping at his eyes, then finally shook his head.  “No.  He’s my, uh…my partner.”

Dom gave a nod, then took another sip of beer.  “Thought he might be.  Whole thing makes a lot more sense if you know that he is.  I told your ma that I thought he might be.  She jumped all over me, sayin’, ‘What are you tryin’ to say, Dominick?  You think my own son wouldn’t tell me if this man was his boyfriend? I even asked him!’”

Sonny sighed.  “Not exactly…she asked what was going on, and it just felt so awkward.  I guess I messed that up.”

Dom shook his head.  “Nah, you’re fine.  I don’t know any man who’s excited to go home and announce to his mother the name of the person he’s dating.  That’s just a little bit weird.”

Sonny smiled at his dad.  “Thanks, Pop.  I’m glad you came by.”

His dad smiled back.  “Me too, son.  You got any snacks to go with this beer?”

*****

11:19 p.m.

She quietly stepped into the room, closing the door behind her.

It was after visiting hours, but the nurses on shift knew her and just gave a friendly nod when she’d asked.  She tried to make time to visit each of Landon’s patients after surgery, if only for a minute, but she’d been counting the hours until she could visit this one.

Eve slowly approached the hospital bed, taking in every detail.  The quiet, rhythmic beat of the machines, the near-empty tray by the bed with only a cup and its tiny water pitcher, the odd but neat headwrap covering the back of the head. The nurses here did a wonderful job of caring for these patients, better than she’d seen in other places Landon had brought his talent and skill.

She lowered herself into the chair next to the bed, and gently took his hand in hers. Realizing it was important to limit her visit, she promised herself five minutes to watch him sleep.

When she’d first met Rafael Barba, he had intimidated her a bit.  A good twenty years older, he was clearly intelligent and knew the law like the back of his hand.  He also wore three-piece suits with suspenders and colorful ties, something she came to appreciate about him.  Like her, he’d come from a lower socioeconomic background and had clawed his way to the top.  And like her, he’d refused to lose all of himself to what society told him he needed to look like in order to succeed.

She hadn’t known all that during the trial.  

He’d impacted her life in some major ways, starting with his support of her when her parents chose not to attend her rape trial. She’d been taught her entire life to stand up for what was right by her parents, and she’d never doubted them.  So when they both denied her on the eve of the trial–a time she needed them more than ever–the abandonment hit her hard. For the first time, she wondered if maybe everything those boys had said about her were true.  If her parents no longer saw any worth in her, how could she see it in herself? 

She could still hear the empathy in Barba’s voice, see it in his face, when he assured her that her parents weren’t upset with her.   He and Olivia Benson had promised her they would be there every step of the way, and they had stayed true to their word. Even when her judge threw out the jury’s verdict, Barba was on his feet, fighting for her in a way no one ever had before. He hadn’t only been angry, he’d been livid. “You’re setting the clock back on rape law fifty years!” he’d admonished Judge Briggs furiously.  He had immediately demanded an appeal, and while it had gotten them nowhere, seeing a man–particularly a professional, intelligent man–stand up for her had started to change the way she thought about herself.

She returned to porn, but he continued to keep in touch with her.  Of course, he pretended it was about the appeal, but he always asked at least once during their calls how she was doing, and if she needed anything.  Her answers, initially, anyway, were “fine” and “no”.  Eventually, they became a bit more honest.  There had been one time that she’d run out of cash for the month and was short on groceries.  When she’d confided in him, a huge order showed up at her door the next morning, and she ate like a queen for weeks.

Rafael Barba had encouraged her to apply for jobs that interested her, one of which was that of   Landon Basnight’s personal assistant. Once she’d accepted the job and it was such a great fit for her, Barba’s calls became less frequent. She didn’t need him as much anymore, and he could let go a bit.  

“Evie.”

She hadn’t realized that she was staring at their hands until she heard her name.  Her eyes darted up to meet his, and he was gazing at her, watery green eyes looking sleepy, but a soft smile on his face.

She smiled back.  “You know who I am this time.  That’s good news.”

He tried to laugh, but it turned into a slight cough.  She poured him a bit of water, and held it to his lips so he could take a sip.  “Thank you,” he told her, voice rough.  

“They say you’re doing very well,” she told him quietly.  “Landon says the most important thing right now for you is rest, so remind those nurses tomorrow when they start pushing you hard to perform mental gymnastics to check their boxes.”

The chuckle again sounded a bit like a cough.  “Were you always this funny?”

She smiled.  “No.  That’s all Landon…my husband.  He was your surgeon.  Dr. Basnight.”

Barba’s eyes widened slightly in surprise.  “The surgeon you work for…you married him.”

“I did,” she confirmed, smiling, and squeezed his hand.

“I’m a bit embarrassed to admit I hadn’t put two and two together yet,” he told her, and her smile widened.

“That’s quite all right,” she assured him.  “Something tells me that won’’t be a problem for you anymore.”

His eyes slowly closed, despite the smile on his face.  “Sorry, Evie,” he got out, voice still rough.  “I’m just worn out.”

She squeezed his hand again.  “Don’t worry about it.  Go to sleep,” she encouraged him, and when he began to softly snore a moment later, Eve let go of his hand to wipe away her tears of gratitude.

Chapter Text

8:33 a.m.

“Good morning.”  Landon took a seat at the head of the table, surrounded by the doctors, nurses, and therapists who had worked on Rafael’s case.  “As you know, our patient’s surgery was successfully completed roughly twenty-four hours ago.  Over the next day, I need for each of you to get in and do a brief evaluation of where his skill level is compared to where he was before the surgery.”  He held up a piece of paper.  “We’ll do this old school.  Each of you sign up for the time you intend to be in his room today.  We’ll meet again tonight to summarize, and then tomorrow, I’d like for everyone to reserve one p.m. to meet with the patient and his family.”  Looking around the room, he added, “I have no reason to think Mr. Barba will need to be here longer than tomorrow night.”

The team quickly passed the paper around, each signing up for a slot to spend a bit of time with Rafael that day. Landon slowly sipped his coffee, watching them, then collected the paper once they’d all headed out for the morning. His next stop was Rafael Barba’s room, to see how his patient had managed overnight.

*****

8 : 54 a.m.

“Good morning, Rafael,” Dr. Basnight greeted his patient with a smile.  “How is everyone doing today?”  

This morning was quite different than the day before.  A couple hours ago, Rafael had been moved out of the ICU and into a regular hospital room.  When the doctor entered, the room was already busy; Lucia, Rita, and Sonny were all present with smiles, and Keegan, Rafael’s nurse for the day, was checking his vitals.  Rafael himself was awake with a sleepy smile, and the room was quickly filling with flower bouquets and tiny presents.

“Tired, but I can finally think again,” Rafael told him, voice filled with relief.  “I’m used to always feeling like the word I’m looking for is just beyond my reach.  So far, that’s not happened today.”

“No more brain ball,” Dr. Basnight chuckled.

“No more brain ball,” Rafael confirmed.  “Were you able to get it all?” he asked, and for a moment, his face clouded with anxiety.

Dr. Basnight reached over to rest a hand on Rafael’s shoulder.  “We got every last bit of it, Rafael,” he assured his patient, and Rafael immediately relaxed.

“Do we know yet how long Rafael’s going to be here?” Rita asked then, and all eyes found the doctor’s face immediately.

“Well,” he said slowly, “if there are no complications, my guess would be he’ll be leaving in two to three days.  We want to make sure he has some rest, and we need to do some testing and a few more scans.  But trust me when I say the hospital doesn’t want to keep him any longer than they have to.”

Rita elbowed Sonny.  “Yeah, why does that not surprise any of us?” she joked.

“Nice one,” Sonny remarked, giving her a high-five, and Rafael laughed quietly.

The conversation continued like that for a few more minutes–light and easy, until finally, Dr. Basnight and Keegan, the nurse, prepared to leave.  “Just a reminder to let this guy rest today,” the doctor reminded them all.  “I know the temptation will be to hang out here, but after an hour, Keegan is going to remind you all to clear out.  Rafael will have several visits from various team members today, and I’d like him be able to rest in between.  Sonny, I know you’ll be staying for most of the day, but Lucia and Rita—”

“We’ll be leaving soon, doctor,” Lucia reassured him.  “The last thing we want is to wear Rafi out.”

Dr. Basnight nodded again.  “Rafael, I’ll be stopping by this evening to see how you’re doing.  Everyone else, take care.”

Keegan leaned over toward Rafael.  “Remember, Rafael…if you need anything, you can just press the nurse’s button and I’ll be here as quickly as I can.”  He nodded, and Keegan followed the doctor out of the room.

“He’s doing phenomenally well,” the nurse noted, sharing Rafael’s vitals with the doctor, who copied them into his own file.

“Agreed,” he replied.  “I’d like us to get another MRI and CT-scan on him today, preferably later this afternoon.  I want to make sure that there’s no swelling.”

Keegan nodded.  “Sounds good.  We’ll have him ready, whenever you put the orders in.”

“Thanks.”  Dr. Basnight smiled at her.  “With any luck, Rafael will be headed home in a couple of days.”

*****

1:05 p.m.

“Hey Rafi.”  Sonny nudged the man in the bed gently yet again.  “The speech lady’s here.”

Rafael valiantly opened his eyes and struggled to keep them that way.  “Okay,” he mumbled, forcing his way up to a seated position as the speech pathologist moved closer and introduced herself.

Sonny couldn’t help but feel sorry for Rafael.  This was the fourth specialist to come in so far to “evaluate” Rafael.  Sonny wasn’t sure what they were looking for.  Besides, from everything the doctor had told them, Rafael’s progress could continue over the next several weeks.  He didn’t know why they had to disrupt his partner’s rest so much, but it worried him.

“Okay, Rafael.”  Amy, the speech pathologist, lay several cards out on the small table in front of Rafael.  “Do you recognize any of these items?”

Rafael immediately grinned.  “Well,” he began, pointing to the first card, “that’s my favorite charcoal-gray suit, and the one next to it is a photo of my office at One Hogan.”  He stopped, looking up at Sonny, and furrowed his brow.  “Do I still have a job?” he asked.  “Do you?”

Sonny fought the urge to tease him and tell him that technically, today was Day Ninety, and his last day in Rafael’s employ. Seeing the stress in his partner’s face, though, he decided to answer truthfully.  “When I last spoke to Jack McCoy, he said for you to contact him once you felt well enough to resume your position.  As for me, I go back to SVU…in another month, if that’s okay with you.  Dr. Basnight said it would be good for me to be at home with you for another month, and then we’ll see where we are.”

Rafael nodded, but Sonny could see something akin to disappointment in his expression, and a moment later, his eyes were clouded with tears.  “You okay?” Sonny asked, grabbing a tissue and handing it over.

Rafael nodded.  “Yeah,” he replied.  “I don’t know why I’m crying.  I guess I just feel a little overwhelmed with everything, still.”

“That’s very normal,” Amy responded.  “Do you feel ready to finish this exercise?”

“Sure,” Rafael told her, quickly pointing to the third card.  “That’s a photo of my grandfather, and the last card is a picture of my mom’s apartment.”

“Perfect,” Amy praised.  “Now I’d like you to pick one of those cards and tell me something about it.”

“Okay.”  He paused for a moment, and Sonny thought for sure that he was going to pick the card with his grandfather on it.  But at the last moment, Rafael reached over and grabbed the photo from his mom’s place.  “This is my mom’s kitchen,” he said, a soft smile appearing.  “She moved to this apartment about ten years ago, when she was first promoted to the position of Principal at her school.  She was so proud—it was the first place she’d ever owned on her own.  I remember her telling me, see Rafi? You can do anything if you just try hard enough and don’t give up.”  He let out a soft laugh.  “I think she truly believed that when she said it, too.  Everything she puts in that house has a purpose, and all of it is special to her.  She can tell you about every item.  A lot of the things in the kitchen are from my grandmother, after she passed.  See that awful chicken tea kettle? That was one my grandmother bought from the flea market in the Bronx.  Mami was just a little girl then.  She told me their kettle had broken and they needed a new one, and the only one they could find was this horrible chicken tea kettle.”  Now he laughed out loud.  “And she still has it, all these years later, because Barbas never throw anything away that still works.”  

Amy repeated the exercise with Rafael several times.  Sonny found himself lost in listening to the Rafael that had been gone for so long.  His words were so similar, although he still seemed somehow softer than the man he’d known as ADA Barba.  The sarcasm, the sharp wit, was missing.  That…and there was something else–

“Hey, Amy?” Sonny followed her quickly into the hallway, closing the door behind himself.  “Can I ask you a question?”

“Sure,” she told him, turning to face him and tucking her blonde hair behind her ear.

“This may be nothing…I don’t know, but, um…Rafael is Cuban-American, and is bilingual, and I just noticed that he didn’t use any Spanish in his conversation with you.  Like, none at all, and I’ve never heard him refer to his grandparents like that.  He always uses the Spanish terms–abuelo and abuelita, and–”

Amy was frowning. “I see your concern, and that’s definitely something I will follow up on.”  She jotted some notes inside of Rafael’s file, then asked, “Did you notice anything else that seemed different?”

“Yeah, but it’s not his language, really…more his affect…”

She nodded.  “I’ll make a note of it.  We’ll all be sitting down tonight and sharing what we’ve found.  Once everyone on the team has had a chance to evaluate Rafael again, we’ll be able to meet with all of you to give a prognosis and recommend a treatment plan, moving forward.”

Sonny nodded.  “Will that happen before or after he leaves the hospital?”

“Dr. Basnight likes for it to happen before he leaves,” Amy told him, then checked her watch.  “I’m sorry, Sonny….I’m supposed to be in a meeting in two minutes–”

“Go,” he told her.  “Thank you.”

*****

7:34 p.m.

Sonny was sitting in the chair next to Rafael’s bed as Rafael softly snored.  The later part of the afternoon had been quiet, and Rafael had slept for most of it.  Sonny had finally relaxed, once there weren’t specialists coming in to test Rafael’s responses to nearly everything.  He’d dozed a bit himself, and now was reading through his emails.

The room had been consistently filled with presents throughout the day–bouquets, stuffed animals, even boxes of chocolates and other sweets–still, Rafael had lightly slept through most of it, only occasionally lifting his head to look around.  He would smile, lay his head back down, start to speak to Sonny, then fall back asleep.  Keegan had come back every hour or so, and she’d told Sonny that Rafael’s vitals were excellent.  There seemed to be very little to worry about, other than what he’d noticed earlier.  Dr. Basnight hadn’t been in yet; Keegan mentioned he generally did his evening visit between eight and nine.

As Sonny was reading an email from his sister Gina, there was a soft knock on the door. He looked up just in time to see Olivia Benson quietly enter the room.  She was alone, carrying a small bouquet of flowers and a wrapped box.  She met Sonny’s eyes and smiled.  “Hey Carisi,” she whispered as she approached him.  “How’s he doing?”

As Sonny stood to greet her, Rafael’s eyes fluttered and he smiled.  “He’s doing acceptably well,” he replied before Sonny could.

Liv’s eyes went wide, and Sonny turned around to smile.  “You’re awake…and speaking,” she said, clearly surprised.

“I’m going to grab some coffee,” Sonny murmured to Rafael, then leaned over and kissed his partner.  “Be back in a bit.”

Rafael watched Sonny leave, fighting the exhaustion threatening to pull him back under, then turned his attention to Ollivia.  She lay her gifts on the dresser and took a seat in the chair next to him.  “How are you feeling?”

“Better than I have in a long time,” he sighed. “It’s nice to see you, Liv.  I wasn’t expecting you to come by, at least not this soon.”

Liv looked concerned.  “You didn’t think I would come to see you?”

Rafael made a soft sound in his throat, then cleared it.  “I guess it’s more that I know how hard this has been on you,” he said slowly.  “I wasn’t sure when you’d feel up to visiting me.”

A tear, then a second, slid down Olivia’s face.  “I’ve been awful,” she whispered to him, and Rafael reached over and rested a hand on top of hers.  “I’m so sorry, Rafa.  I was so afraid I’d lose you, too, and I didn’t know how to handle it…so I just stayed away.  It was cowardly, and you deserved so much better.”

“Olivia.”  Rafael looked up at her, sensing her pain, her regret.  “We all do our best in this life. I know that it was hard to watch.  I have faith in you, Livvy, and I hope now I’ll see you a bit more regularly?  If you can, I mean.”

She nodded, then bent over him to kiss his cheek.  “I love you, Rafa.  I’m so sorry that I haven’t acted like it.”

*****

7:55 p.m.

Sonny found a seat in the cafeteria.  He had no idea how long Liv planned to stay, but he still didn’t feel ready to talk with her.  She’s been a lousy friend to him, he found himself thinking yet again, even though he knew Rafael would probably forgive her over and over.  Fortunately, he didn’t have to make that decision, because if it were up to him, she’d be out on her ass.

“Mind if I join you?”

He looked up to see Landon Basnight standing beside the table, friendly smile on his face.  “Sure, feel free,” he told the doctor, motioning to the chair across from him.  “Actually, I’m glad you’re here.  I had some things I wanted to mention to you.”

Dr. Basnight nodded.  “Okay,” he replied.  “Hang on a sec and let me get Rafael’s file here…”  He sorted through a bunch of folders, mail, and what looked to Sonny to be random papers before pulling out the file.  Sonny was surprised to see how thick it was.

Landon flipped it open to a particular page, scanned it, then grabbed his pen from his jacket.  “Okay, Sonny.  Go ahead.”

Sonny nodded.  “Okay.  I noticed a couple of things with his speech today, the most important one being that he didn’t use a lick of Spanish, despite the fact he’s fully bilingual and always refers to his grandparents as ‘abuelo’ and ‘abuelita’.  Today was the first time I’ve ever heard him call them ‘my grandparents’.  Another thing I’ve noticed today is his affect.  It’s still off…softer than he used to be.  I mean, he was acting like that more in the last month, but we thought it was because of the tumor.”  He felt like he was babbling endlessly, quickly, but he needed to make the doctor aware of anything that might indicate a problem, right?  “Also…I did also notice earlier while he was sleeping, he drooled a bit from his left side.  He’s not usually done that when he sleeps.  And when they got him up to use the bathroom, he was very shaky on his feet, and seemed to put more weight on his left foot than his right—”

Dr. Basnight slowly stopped writing, and lay his pen down on the paper as he looked at Sonny.  His expression was kind as he spoke.  “Sonny?”

Sonny let out a deep breath.  “Yeah?”

The doctor smiled.  “You really love Rafael.  That’s very clear.  And I hope you can hear me when I tell you this.  It’s okay to take a breath and let some of this go. ”

Sonny felt his mouth fall open.  “But I…if I don’t tell you all this, how will you know if there’s something wrong?  What if he’s had a stroke, or there’s something that you can fix but only in the next few hours, or I see something that nobody else sees?  What if I don’t think it’s a big deal and I don’t tell you and it ends up being critically important?”  He felt his eyes welling with tears and, embarrassed, attempted to blink them away.

“Sonny, part of the reason that my team is so successful with what we do is because we look at the whole individual and evaluate them before, during, and after the procedure. Rafael’s care won’t end when he goes home.  He will be set up with a variety of therapists who will assist him with his healing.  You know all of the people who have been in and out of that room today?  They’re all hand-picked for this project and have trained together.  They’re all looking at specific pieces of Rafael’s puzzle, to see what’s changed since the surgery and what still needs to change.  Of course, I always want you to feel able to come to any of us if you’re concerned.  But honestly?  I’m also concerned about you.”

Sonny shook his head.  “You don’t need to be,” he muttered.  “I’m fine.

“But you’re not.”  It came out quiet but firm, and stunned Sonny enough to cause him to look up at the doctor directly.  “You’re traumatized, Sonny.  It’s common for a lot of caregivers.  When you love and care for someone as selflessly as you have for Rafael, it can feel like you’ve lost yourself a bit.  I want to reassure you that I’ve heard the things you’ve told me and taken notes on them, so now it’s okay to step back and breathe.  Let my team do their jobs”  He paused for a moment.  “If I were to give you some names for some trauma therapists who specialize in this, would you consider giving one of them a call?”

Sonny bit his lip.  He was embarrassed and anxious, and honestly, he was just so damn tired.   Maybe the doctor was on to something.  Who knew.  “Yeah, maybe,” he conceded.

Dr. Basnight nodded.  “I’ll get that to you before Rafael is discharged.  Are you going home tonight?”

“Yeah.  Rita’s supposed to be here by nine,” he said.  “She’s gonna stay tonight.”

“Good,” the doctor said.  “Sleep is the number one best way for you to feel better.”

Sonny sighed.  “I’ll take it under advisement.”

*****

8:22 p.m.

“So Rafael,” Dr. Basnight said, “a little bird told me that you’re bilingual.  I am very much…well, NOT bilingual.  Can you tell me something impressive in Spanish?”

Rafael grinned, enjoying Dr. Basnight’s sense of humor.  He opened his mouth to speak—but nothing came out.  He closed his mouth, then opened it again, but still nothing. His mind was completely blank, unable to recall a single Spanish word or phrase. Trying once more, his brow furrowed when he came up with nothing.  “I, uh…I seem to be having some trouble with this tonight,” he admitted, cheeks flushing pink with embarrassment. “My mother is going to be less than pleased with both of us, I’m afraid,” he attempted to joke, but it fell flat.  “Mami will—wait! Mami is Spanish, right?  Does that count?” 

Sonny’s fist was in front of his mouth, and his eyes were closed.

“I know that’s what you call your mom,” Dr. Basnight said, “but can you tell me the word for mother?”

The hopeful look on Rafael’s face disappeared as quickly as it had come when he realized he couldn’t. He sighed and shook his head.  “No, I can’t.”

“That’s okay,” Dr. Basnight assured him gently.  “We’ve seen this thing happen before, where people lose a particular language, and we’re not really sure why.  I want you both to keep in mind that it may come back, and even if it doesn’t, Rafael, I’m sure your mother will be happy to reteach you—”

Rafael’s eyes were filling with tears yet again.  “This keeps happening,” he moaned, taking a tissue the doctor offered.  “I’ve cried about twenty times today, and I don’t even feel sad!”

“That’s another thing we sometimes see,” Dr. Basnight shared.  “Emotions can get their wires crossed, and you may end up crying a lot, or laughing inappropriately.  We’ll keep an eye on it, okay?”  Glancing at Sonny, whose eyes were filled with tears of his own, the doctor tried to comfort both men.  “Look, gentlemen…the brain is a very, very complex organ.  It’s going to take some time for it to heal and to straighten these things out for itself.  It’s been less than forty-eight hours since I was digging around in your skull, Rafael.  Let’s give you some time to get better, okay?”

Rafael nodded.  “You’re absolutely right,” he replied, wiping his eyes.  “You’ll explain this to my mother, right?  I’m fairly certain she’s going to be pretty upset.”

“Of course I will,” Dr. Basnight told him.  “In fact, we will be meeting with all of you at one tomorrow afternoon.  We’ve already called Lucia and Rita to let them know.  I’ll be back in the morning to check on you again.”  He stood and closed the folder.  “And Sonny? I hope you’re able to rest tonight, too.”

Sonny nodded.  “Thank you, Dr. Basnight.”

The doctor headed out of the hospital room, and Sonny took a seat next to Rafael, reaching for his hand.  “You okay?” he asked, feeling his own chin tremble.

Rafael reached for Sonny’s cheek with his empty hand.  “I’m going to be fine, my sweet Sunshine,” he promised.  “No more tears for me, okay?  I have everything, Sonny.  I survived the brain ball.  I’ve got most of my brain back, I’m not dying anymore, and I’ve got the most wonderful partner in the world.”  He delicately wiped a random tear with his thumb.  “No more tears, love.  Not tonight, all right?  Promise me.”

Shakily, Sonny nodded.  “I promise.  And I love you.”

“I love you too,” Rafael replied, then closed his eyes and settled in to sleep.

Chapter Text

1:04 p.m.

More than anything, Landon hated running late.  He was smart enough to know that if he ran late from one appointment, it would throw everything else on his schedule behind, and it was too easy for that to snowball.  He had a schedule for a reason, and when Eve had been his assistant, they spent quite a bit of time figuring out a schedule that worked— for him, for his patients, for the kind of work he did.

So when he glanced at his watch and realized it was not 12:45 anymore but 1:04 instead and he’d forgotten to set his watch alarm, he cursed out loud and ran toward the elevator.

“Son of a bitch!” he hissed under his breath, then called, “Hold that elevator!”

Fortunately, the wide-eyed woman standing in the elevator heard him and did just that.  She probably thought he was late to surgery, but he was okay with that, if it got him to his meeting faster.

When he entered the private conference room, everyone else was present, and they appeared to be having some sort of party.  There were multiple empty bags from a local deli on the table, and people were loaded up with sandwiches, chips, and sodas.  “Sorry I’m late,” he began, setting his papers on the table in front of the chair at the head.  “Did I miss a memo or something?”

“We just figured you guys would need to eat,” Rita told him as she opened a bag of kettle popcorn.  “So we brought some lunch.  Not a biggie.  Are you team coke or team pepsi, doctor?”

Dropping into the chair in front of him (and God did it feel good to sit down), he sighed.  “Team Coke,” he told her.  “I had no idea there even WAS a team pepsi, but I guess somebody must be buying that crap or they’d go out of business, right?”

That sparked a lively debate that allowed him to take two minutes to grab a sandwich (italian on a wheat roll, thanks) and a bag of pretzels.  Once he’d gotten his food opened, and himself situated, he cleared his throat.  Slowly, the conversation died down, and Landon smiled.  “Rafael, how are you feeling this afternoon?” 

His patient was seated directly across from him.  He was in sweats and a dark green henley, with a grey beanie on his head and dark circles under his eyes.  Landon knew from experience that in another week, he’d look much better.  “Exhausted,” Rafael told him honestly, “but very, very grateful.”

Landon smiled.  “Can’t argue with that.”

The next hour was filled with a lot of information.  The family received packets of information to take home, and they started by discussing what Rafael’s testing had revealed:  that without the tumor, he had regained substantial use of his vocabulary along with impressive recall ability.  His long-term memory appeared to be intact, as did his short-term memory.  He showed no confusion in understanding a wide variety of concepts. Additionally, there were no deficits in either large- or small-motor ability.  

The two main areas that currently appeared to be impacted were his language ability—specifically, his ability to both speak and understand Spanish—and his emotional responses.  He actually appeared to have a higher emotional intelligence than he had prior to the surgery, meaning that he was more sensitive to and better able to understand the feelings of himself and others. However, some of his emotional wiring seemed to be crossed at the moment, causing him to laugh or cry even when he wasn’t experiencing the correlating emotions.  The team was hopeful that both of these issues were temporary and would straighten themselves out over time.  All of his brain scans had come back clean, showing no unexpected swelling or other issues.  The tumor was completely gone; Landon had made a copy of the latest MRI and included it in the packet.  He made sure to allow time for Rafael and his family to examine the scan fully, and he didn’t miss the moment when Rafael’s furrowed brow relaxed and his face brightened with a grin.

The last part of the meeting involved sharing the plan for Rafael’s continued recovery.  Landon began by reminding everyone how flexible the brain could be, and is often capable of rewiring itself when provided with the appropriate exercises.  With that said, he recommended that Rafael see a therapist who specialized in neurological issues.  That therapist would work with him to help his brain rewire, and hopefully regain what he’d lost.  It was also recommended that he see a speech pathologist to keep an eye on his language, as well as a Spanish tutor to assist him in rebuilding his native language. He also recommended Rafael participate in talk therapy to assist him in managing the changes in his emotional landscape, as well as the loss of part of his cultural identity. These appointments had already been set for him, and all information was included.

They reviewed the medications Rafael would be taking when he went home as well as how to care for his surgical incisions.  Dr. Ellory joined them for the meeting, and she explained how Rafael would be visiting her office once a week for the next few weeks to make sure that the incisions were healing properly.  He would have another MRI in four weeks to ensure the tumor didn’t return.

“Any questions?” Landon asked, then took the last bite of his sandwich.  Damn if that hadn’t hit the spot.

“Just one,” Sonny spoke up.  “When does he get to come home?”

Landon helped himself to a brownie from the tupperware container being passed around.  “Well, his vitals are good, he’s showing no signs of infection, his test results have come back clear, so we’re planning to discharge Rafael tomorrow morning.  If that works for you all, of course,” he added with a grin.

“That works perfectly,” Lucia declared happily, hugging her son from the side.  Rafael smiled, even as his eyes blinked sleepily.  “Aw…mijo’s ready for a nap, aren’t you, baby?”

Rafael nodded.  “Yeah, I think so.  But first, can I just tell you guys…all of you…thank you?  From the bottom of my heart, thank you.  Even if I never practice law another day, you’ve given me time with the people I love, and you’ve given me back the ability to speak freely.  I can never express, not in a million years, just how grateful I am.”  He quickly took the tissue that Sonny was offering him to wipe his tears.  “I knew I’d cry saying this, but it’s wholly appropriate, I think, when a handful of people literally save your life.  Thank you.” 

After that, the meeting broke up as everyone took a moment to wish their patient well in his recovery.  They were skilled in this, too, and within ten minutes, had cleared the room and returned Rafael to his hospital bed for a much-anticipated nap.  

Landon paused for a moment, reflecting on how thankful he was for these people.  Without them, each of them, he couldn’t do what he did.  It just would not work as successfully, he mused, as he picked up a few random pieces of trash and tossed them out.

“Dr. Basnight?”

Sonny Carisi was standing in the doorway, holding a small box.

Landon smiled.  “Yes, Sonny.  Is there anything else I can do for you?”

Sonny took a step further inside, and closed the door behind him. “Last night, I spent a lot of time thinking about the conversation we had. I just want you to know that I’ve already called and made an appointment.  For a therapist, I mean.  I think it’ll help.”  He paused, then smiled.  “I do love Rafael, with my whole heart, and I wanna make sure I’m able to continue doing that well, y’know?”

Landon nodded.  “I do.”

Sonny nodded in return, his cheeks flushing pink, and looked down.  “Oh, um…I was told to pass this on to you.  Rafi said it’s for your wife?”  Now he shook his head.  “I didn’t know he knew your wife, but, uh…here ya go.”

Curious, Landon took the box from Sonny and examined it briefly before raising an eyebrow.  “Are you as nosy as I am?” he asked.

“Well, considering I had to be the one to order and pick it up,” Sonny explained, “probably not. But if you’re askin’ if I can keep a secret if you peek, the answer is absolutely.”

Landon let out a breathless chuckle, then carefully opened the box.  Inside lay a lovely silver pen.  It reminded him of one he’d received from his mentor upon finishing his residency.  That thing had cost a pretty penny, and he was sure this one was just as expensive. “Huh,” he said, picking it up carefully.  “It’s engraved.”

“Yeah,” Sonny nodded.  “Rafi told me what to put on there. But I don’t understand the message…do you?”

As Landon read the handful of words on the pen’s side, he couldn’t help but smile.  An extra, for the next time you drop your pen.

“Yeah,” he told Sonny, “I kind of think that I do.”

Chapter Text

9:23 a.m.

He’s sleeping, steady breaths in and out, and he looks like a veritable angel. Lying on his side, face just inches away, Rafael indulges himself with the pleasure of reaching over and touching the soft, silver hair.

His own hand catches his attention then, the new ring comfortably snug around his right ring finger.  They’d talked about marriage many times, but still, Rafael had been stunned when Sonny got down on one knee last night and asked. “I know our official dating life hasn’t been very long,” Sonny said, tears in his eyes, “but I also know life is short, and being with you is where I’m supposed to be, if you’ll have me.” His smile was tremulous yet beautiful, and Rafael knew he’d never get tired of seeing it. “Would you do me the honor of being my husband, Rafael?”

“Of course I will,” he’d responded immediately, knowing for certain it was the right answer.  For him, for Sonny.  

As if there were any other answer he could give. Nothing else made sense. Sonny was his other half, his missing piece.  He was the part that Rafael had never realized he was lacking, but now couldn’t imagine living without. Without Sonny, he was certain he would have eaten that bullet months ago, either when the first drug trial got tough or when he felt he was losing himself. Without Sonny, even if he’d somehow made it through the surgery and survived, there’s no way he would have thrived the way he is today.  Not like this.  Not where he wakes feeling content with himself each day, his soul no longer aching. Not where he knows that his opportunities to grow and to change don’t amount to deficits, examples of how he’d failed yet again.  Not where he understands that he has a place in this world, not because of what he does, but instead, because of who he is.  

When he learned, upon returning home, that Sonny had read his journal and knew of his plan to commit suicide, Rafael had initially been angry.  Extremely angry.  He’d been so angry he’d refused to speak to Sonny for three days, until he had his weekly therapy appointment, the one Dr. Basnight had recommended to help him adjust to the changes he was facing post-tumor.  With his therapist, he finally processed that his anger was masking his shame. Then he and Sonny were able to talk about it.  Sonny needed to know that Rafael was psychologically safe now.  Rafael needed to know that Sonny wouldn’t read his journals without invitation.  And they both needed to know they could work through difficult problems together, as a couple, and come out better on the other side.

And they have now, many times.

After Sonny’s proposal, they’d made love. Slow and sensual, with a level of intimacy Rafael had never experienced with anyone else. He realized yet again that this was love.  That somehow, during the worst time of his life, he’d been gifted the opportunity to fall in love with a partner perfectly suited for him.  As they rocked together, their eyes lost in one another, and Rafael felt seen in a way he rarely had before.  “I love you, baby,” Sonny had murmured between kisses to his neck, and Rafael had held him tightly, wishing he’d never have to let go.

The rain is softly tapping against the windows this morning, and Rafael lazily takes his time admiring his new fiance’s beauty.  This is his favorite time of day now, the time when he gets to stare unabashedly at the man in his bed.  Sonny’s soft hair, his fair skin, the lines and angles that make up the man he can’t stop touching.  He could watch Sonny sleep for hours.

Eventually, though, Rafael rouses himself and quietly throws on a robe before padding out to the kitchen for coffee.  The rain causes a smile to slowly crawl across his face–it means he won’t have to go watch his beloved shoot hoops at the local blacktop like he’d promised.  It’s rare that he complains about things these days, even to himself, but stifling humidity in the armpits of summer is not his friend.  It should be, but it isn’t. After forty years of loving the heat, his body has reversed itself and barely tolerates temperatures above eighty. 

Another one of those quirky things after surgery, like his emotions and the loss of an entire language.

At least the Spanish has come back.  For the most part, anyway.  Every once in a while, he finds himself struggling for a word en espanol, which his mother takes great delight in.  “Tan cerca, Rafi,” Lucia will snicker, not even trying to hide the fact she’s making fun of him.  “Tan cerca pero tan lejos!” (So close…so close and yet so far!)

“You know, you could just tell me,” he told her last time.  Not that it helped.  Lucia literally threw her head back and laughed like a maniac.  He rolled his eyes and let it go.  If he lives to be a hundred, he doubts he will ever get over the guilt he feels for what his body put her through. So he lets his mother have her fun.

He takes his time programming his coffeemaker, then settles onto a stool to wait.  They have two coffeemakers now, Rafael’s top of the line espresso/coffee machine and what Sonny refers to as his “top of the line” Keurig.  

“It’s fine, Soleado,” he’d told his lover months ago.  “We all have different needs.”  And he wasn’t even mocking when he said it.

Sometimes he gets the feeling that people miss the man he used to be. There are times where Sonny, or Liv, or especially Rita, will look at him long and hard after he’s said something, as though they’re unsure of his sincerity.  As though they think he’s put some kind of sarcastic response out, some kind of thinly-veiled insult like he used to do.  A couple of times, it’s led to some tense moments, and he’s had to remind them that his brain literally doesn’t work that way anymore.  He hates doing that too, because the look of guilt on their faces almost makes him wish he hadn’t reminded them at all.  A few times, he’s tried to tease them, but he seems to lack the comedic timing he had before, and it just comes out sounding… awkward.

He’s in the middle of adding what Sonny would call a “shit-ton of sugar” to his coffee when his phone rings.  “Hola, Mami.”

“Ah, Rafi,” she answers, clearly pleased.  “I wanted to see if we were still on for brunch tomorrow, and if Sonny is coming.  I need to call in our reservation.”

“He’s planning on it,” Rafael responds, then takes a sip from the mug.  “One o’clock, right?  After mass?’ They’re planning on telling her tomorrow about the engagement, and Rafael glances at the ring one more time, feeling a lovely flutter inside of his belly.

“One o’clock,” Lucia confirms.  “I’ll see my boys then.”

Rafael hangs up, but before he can take another sip of his coffee, long arms are wrapping themselves around his waist, and scratchy stubble rubs against his cheek.  “Here you are,” Sonny murmurs.  “I missed you when I woke up.”

Rafael turns around in his arms, their bodies so close he can feel the heat from Sonny’s bare chest against him.  “I’m happy to rejoin you whenever you’d like,” he replies, running his hands up and down Sonny’s arms.  He can feel the strong muscles under the soft skin, and it reminds him of how safe Sonny has always made him feel.  From the day he moved in so many months ago until here and now, Sonny’s presence allows him to breathe.  To trust, and to know that if he falls, there’s somebody there who will catch him.

Gently tangling his fingers in Sonny’s soft hair, Rafael pulls him close.  “Te amo, mi soleado,” he whispers before allowing his lips to caress his beloved’s.  The promise of knowing this will happen innumerable times for the rest of his life takes his breath away as much as the kiss itself.

“I love you too, Rafi,” Sonny whispers back once their lips part.  “Come back to bed?”

“Si,” he replies, and lets his new fiance take the lead, leaving the coffee behind.

*****

Later…at another time, in another place…

Miguel slowly chews the cookie.  It's got a soft, chewy texture and the flavor is sweet and spicy without being cloying or overwhelming.  It’s a far cry from where it started, that’s for sure.  “You’ve really made some improvements, honey!” he tells her with an encouraging smile.  “Do you mind if I take a couple of these back to the workshop with me?”

Her irritable face brightens.  “Ya think so, Mikey?” she asks, and when he nods, she actually bursts into a grin.  “Take as many as ya like…wouldja like me ta pack up a bag for the short guys?”

Miguel stands from the table and wraps an arm around her.  “Elves, honey, remember?” he reminds her gently, placing a kiss to her temple.  He watches as she scrunches her eyes shut and repeats the word to herself thrice over.

“Elves…elves…elves!” she tells herself.  “I dunno why I can’t remember that!”

(She still calls him Mikey instead of Miguel, but he’s kind of just accepted it now.)

“It’s a-ok, sweetheart.  You’re trying, and that’s all the Big Guy in the Sky is lookin’ for,” he says, but knows he’s busted when her eyes meet his.

"It’s the Lord our God, baby,” Doris reminds him.  “Or you can refer to Him as Jesus Christ, but remember, He don’t like ya takin’ His name in vain like that.”  She snuggles closer to him.  “I’ll finish up these cookies and send ‘em over to the workshop, if ya want.”

“That’ll be great,” he says, then sits back down to slide his feet into his boots.  “Why’d you make these, anyway?”

He’s surprised to see her blush.  Not that she isn’t capable of it; it’s just hard to note it through the wrinkles from the smoking habit she had on Earth.  Thank God she gave that up a few months back.  “I, uh…your son got engaged, right?  I just wanted to do somethin’ nice for ya, Mikey.  To celebrate and all.”

Miguel nods, finishing his cookie, then stands.  “He did, and to another guy, too,” he confirms.  “And look at me, celebrating my Rafi being gay, like some GOOD dad!  I dunno if I’m prouder of him, or me…or you, for being so sweet about it!”

Doris beams at him.  “Just think!  You an’ me…we’re gonna make it to Heaven one day after all, I bet!”  As he opens the door to leave, she pauses, looking uncertain.  “You don’t think He was watchin’ us in the bedroom last night, do ya?”

Miguel turns and rests a hand on each of her shoulders.  “I think He loves us no matter what we do there, honey.  We are two consenting adults, and we don’t hurt each other. The rules really aren’t that complicated when you listen and use your noggin’.”  He smiles, then leans forward and gives her a kiss.  “I’ll see you tonight.”

“Okay,” she tells him as he walks out, into the snowy yard.  “Have a good afternoon honey!  Do good work!  Make good choices!”

Miguel smiles and waves at her, then disappears into the trees, and Doris goes back to her baking, humming “Last Christmas”.