Chapter Text
A heavy sigh dragged out of his lips as the senseless ramble continued. Headers. They’d given them the wrong sizing for the headers and now they had to redo the whole damn thing. As if the first go around wasn’t difficult as is. Not because it should be, but because he worked with a bunch of young kids that didn’t know how to listen to anything but the fizzle of beer at the end of a ‘hard day's work’. He loved what he did, but who he did it with? That was a different story, and Tommy wasn’t much better than the lot of them but at least he took care to get shit done.
“Tommy, I don’t have time for this okay, I-”
The keys jingled as he pulled them back out of the lock and took a step into the house. There was Sarah, still resting peacefully on the couch. Well, she was, until she heard his voice. Shit.
“We’ll talk about it in the morning,” he said dismissively.
There was a hint of exhaustion in his tone that must’ve been received poorly, because the arguing on the other end of the line didn’t seem to improve his expression.
“Tommy.”
It was stern. Despite being a punk kid at heart, Tommy knew when to shut up and listen, and this was one of those times.
“We’ll talk about it tomorrow.”
From the couch, Sarah sat up with a yawn and leaned in a bit, she could hear the muffled yeah, okay from the phone. That was the end of the conversation. She knew this because he tossed his phone onto the chair next to the couch and walked over.
“Scoot.”
Oh. He was pissed.
She cleared her throat a bit and did as she was told, making room for him to plop down with another frustrated sigh and run a hand over his face. She’d seen this plenty of times before. Something hadn’t gone right at work, somebody had installed something they shouldn’t have, or did something stupid, and now he was paying the price for it. Today of all days though, she wasn’t having the tantrum.
“Rough day?”
Usually reminding him he didn’t have to sulk alone drew him out of his bitterness and back to his normal self, so she opted to try that first.
It wasn’t as successful as she’d hoped, earning a small irritated grunt of agreement. She would’ve been somewhat disappointed if it hadn’t dawned on her just how late it might’ve been.
“Oh, shoot! What time is it?”
Joel instinctively pulled his wrist up a bit to look at his watch before remembering it had broken months ago and he hadn’t gotten a new one yet.
“I don’t- past your bedtime,” he huffed.
“But still today?”
His eyes squeezed shut and brows scrunched together the way they did when he got his migraines. It happened a lot, and he even took medicine for them, but it didn’t always work and it definitely never improved his mood when he got them.
“I love you, baby, but I do not have the energy for this right-”
He was cut off by a box being presented (more like shoved) in his direction. Glancing over at Sarah he noticed the shit-eating grin sprouting from ear to ear and knew she was up to something.
“What’s this?” he asked, taking the box almost hesitantly.
“Well for one, it’s not gonna bite you, and two it’s a present. Since you forgot to get the cake.”
He felt a stab in his chest at that. Cake. He’d forgotten the goddamn cake. In the total shitstorm that ensued on the way home from work, he’d completely forgotten he’d promised her that he would pick one up. Now everywhere was closed and they didn’t have anything to work with either.
“I-” he paused in defeat. “I’ll get one tomorrow.”
Sarah gave a sympathetic glance to the comment and nodded. She was disappointed and that was what hurt the most, but he’d be sure to keep his promise.
“Open it! I’m turning to dust just sitting here.”
He chuckled at her words.
“Well, then I must be a dinosaur.”
“Fossilized actually.”
He gave her a glare that looked something like ha-ha and she snickered in triumph.
Opening the lid of the silver box, he was surprised to see his watch sitting there. It was in much nicer condition than the last time he’d laid eyes on it.
“You kept complaining about your broken watch, and I knew you weren’t ever gonna buy a new one, so I fixed it for you.”
There was a sort of tension in his chest that threatened to rob him of all the air in his lungs and his heart clenched just the same. He couldn’t even remember his own birthday, and she’d likely taken the bus all the way to a jewelry store on some late work night to fix his watch. It was on the list of the sweetest things she’d ever done for him and he wondered what he might’ve done to deserve such a loving daughter. He couldn’t say that out loud though, it would spoil her fun.
“Did you?” he asked in response to her last comment, pulling the watch up to his ear to listen.
Her face dropped. Had it really not been fixed? Had his money been wasted on a gift that didn’t even work? She’d never forgive herself.
“Wha-”
Before she could even finish the sentence she leaned in to get a closer listen herself, and upon hearing the ticking of the hands she huffed and rolled her eyes. Leaning back into the couch she crossed her arms with an unenthused glance.
“That’s lame, you’re lame.”
He let out a proud sort of gremlin laugh at his successful attempt to annoy her and smiled. After his laughter died down though he finally did give her a moment of sincerity.
“Thank you.”
A moment.
“Hey, where did you get the money for this?” he asked, a hint of genuineness to the question.
“Drugs. I sell hardcore drugs.”
He huffed, a downturned smile and a head nod followed as if in consideration.
“Better than what I do.”
Sarah attempted to bite back the smile that crept up onto her cheeks, but she failed and eventually just stopped trying.
Joel quickly put his watch on and set the box on the table, kicking his feet up and leaning back. After grabbing the remote off the coffee table, he began to flip through the channels, eventually landing on 2000’s X-Men, and relaxing into his spot. Having seen the movie several times by now, Sarah just stretched out across the couch, laying her head on his leg and watching the tv screen, repeating the lines in her head. They both probably knew the whole thing word for word by then, but she wouldn’t ever get tired of it. Of course, she wouldn’t tell him that.
~
Sarah had fallen asleep within the first fifteen minutes of the movie. He figured she would’ve. It was late and school was starting back up soon. In fact, as the credits rolled, he was just about to shut the tv off and take her upstairs to her bed, but the phone rang and disrupted his plans. Letting out the millionth sigh of that night he picked it up and answered gruffly.
“Hello?”
He hadn’t looked at the caller ID, but he swore if it was Tommy again he was gonna-
“Joel? It’s me.”
Of course it was.
“Jesus, Tommy it’s past midnight, what the hell do you need that you have to call me this late?”
The assumption that this was a work call was his very first mistake of that night.
“Listen, I’m okay but-” he paused, like a child trying to find the best way to tell their parent they got in trouble at school.
That wasn’t far off.
“Yeah?” Joel urged.
“I’m in jail.”
“Goddamn it,” he huffed quietly.
Sarah shifted a bit and his eyes glanced down at her, making sure she was okay. She looked so peaceful, he didn’t want to wake her up because Tommy had decided to go out and be stupid.
“But- but it wasn’t my fault this time, okay? I was out for a drink with some of the guys from work and this guy at the bar goes crazy and starts swingin’. I stepped in, knocked him out, then the cops showed up-”
With every word Joel felt his patience thinning more and more and the urge to just leave him in the can for the weekend grew in its place.
Tommy must’ve heard that in his breathing because he continued to ramble.
“Look, it doesn’t matter, you’ve gotta bail me out.”
Joel let out a scoff.
“Now?” he asked, as if Tommy couldn’t possibly be serious.
“It’s Friday! If you don’t get me out I’ll be here all weekend!”
Good. He swallowed the response that crawled up his esophagus and washed it down with the crippling responsibility of being someone’s older brother. Of being Tommy-fucking-Miller’s older brother. Shithead.
“Which jail?” he finally caved, “Travis County?”
“Yeah, on ten.”
“God-” he drew in a sharp breath and nodded.
“I’m sorry.”
There was another beat of silence, but Joel was already sitting up straight.
“Please.”
Joel hated when he did that. Sarah did the same thing and he was pretty sure she’d learned it from her idiot uncle. Those two could get him to play tic-tac-toe in traffic if they asked it in precisely that way. One day it would get him in deep sh!t, but tonight? Tonight it meant bailing Tommy out. Again.
“Okay,” he said, hanging up and placing the phone back on the coffee table.
He then wiggled his way out from under Sarah so as not to wake her up, and carefully pulled her into his arms. He’d already decided he would leave her here while he dealt with Tommy. She didn’t need to be in that environment and especially not this late at night, so after scooping her up like she weighed nothing, he carried her up the stairs to her room.
She stirred a bit and made a face that looked halfway between pain and irritation. Even in her sleep she was scolding her for disturbing her peace. He smiled a bit to himself as he laid her down in her bed and tucked her in.
“Goodnight, babygirl, I’ll be back in a bit.”
His voice was almost as gentle as the kiss he placed gently on her forehead. After standing back up he lingered for a moment, looking at her as she slept. That same contentment from earlier filled his heart and made him feel like life couldn’t get any better. Then he remembered Tommy and the feeling dissipated a bit.
Dumbass.
~
Fire. It felt like a forest fire that started under a pile of sticks. Small embers of pain at first, then it grew into burning branches, clawing and snapping at more than just her stomach. Soon enough it overtook her intestines and her lungs. She stirred in her half-asleep state, but by the time it scratched its way up to the back of her tongue she was on her feet and scrambling to the bathroom down the hall.
Flinging the door open she dropped down in front of the toilet and the lid flipped up with an angry clink. She didn’t even have a full second before she was coughing and retching, her lunch making a reappearance before her.
Sarah hated being sick, as did everyone else she’d ever known, but normally she was tolerant of it because she felt better after. This didn’t feel like it got any better. With each round the fiery pain got worse and worse until it was so bad she felt like she might pass out… but that’s when she had the chance to lean back a bit and look at the mess in front of her. It wasn’t just food… it was a dark crimson paint that made her eyes go foggy.
~
As Joel pulled up at the jail he felt his annoyance growing with every step he took. The fact that it wasn’t the first time didn’t help, but it was so late, that he wasn’t sure he even had the energy to scold his brother. He just wanted to get him out and get home so that he could get some sleep.
His feet continued where his weary mind faltered, carrying him to the front desk where he ran a tired hand over his face and crossed his arms.
“Here to post bail.”
The lady behind the desk chuckled a bit and nodded.
“I wish I could say it was good to see you, Joel.”
Some of his anger flattened a little as he actually took care to pay attention to the person in front of him. Katherine. She worked the front desk from time to time, and considering the fact that Tommy only seemed to get himself in trouble during the late hours of the night, she seemed to always be the one Joel spoke to.
“Likewise,” he said, and there was a sort of genuineness to it that made her smile.
“He’s in the back, I’ll go get him.”
“Thanks.”
Before she could take the time to respond she was already going to retrieve him. He was thankful for her swiftness. It even eased him to an extent.
His blood pressure was back up when Tommy was brought out, looking like someone had just kicked his dog.
Joel was entirely too old for this.
~
They were silent the whole way home. Joel was silently hoping it would stay that way until the morning because he could not handle any excuses or apologies. It was nearly two thirty in the morning and he wasn’t interested in hearing anything Tommy felt that he needed to say.
“Joel, I-”
“Stop.”
They pulled up in the driveway and Joel quickly put the car in park, turning off the headlights and getting ready to follow with the engine.
“I was only going to say that-”
“Stop! For the love of- you’re a grow-ass man, you can deal with the consequences to your own actions. Right now I need you to leave me be until I can get whatever night’s sleep I can salvage.”
Tommy was quiet at that. Finally.
Before another thought could make its way to the forefront of Joel’s mind he was already at the front door, jaggedly twisting the key in the lock and pushing the door open with more force than he’d intended.
Tommy followed with the same sad puppy look that had been on his face earlier and Joel rolled his eyes. He loved his brother, he just hoped he grew up someday.
Taking a breath he emptied his pockets on the key holder that also served as a shelf and could practically already feel the comfort of his bed on his aching back. Once everything was in its place, he made his way over to the stairs, but was stopped in his tracks when he heard something that sounded like gasping coming from upstairs.
For a moment, he thought he’d been hearing something… but then he heard it again.
“Sarah?” he called, already starting to take a step up the stairs.
No answer.
A few more steps.
“Sarah?”
He was more frantic this time, crossing half the staircase in a few swift strides. His heart was already in his stomach and created a symphony of worry that continued to propel him up the now seemingly endless stairs. The sound was louder and now mixed with her wheezes for breath and half-screamed sobs.
“Sarah?!” he shrieked, bolting down the hall to the bathroom.
The door was open, and there she was.
She was hunched over the toilet, her golden brown coils had been haphazardly thrown back in the only sort of bun she could manage and her clothes were drenched with sweat. Even down to her arms that he could see, her once radiant bronze skin was washed to a deathly, mute, almost gray. He couldn’t see her face yet, but he didn’t need to to know something was horribly wrong. As if her appearance wasn’t enough there were little dots of red all over the porcelain of the toilet bowl.
“Sarah!” he was by her side as she was gasping and coughing, blood spraying out of her mouth as she did.
“Baby! Baby, look at me, hey, breathe-” he started moving a hand on her back.
She let out a shriek at that like it hurt and he sucked air through his teeth like he felt it too.
Tommy appeared in the doorway and Joel wasted no time giving him directions. His wrist flew up, crashing into the side of the sink as it did. He grunted in pain but moved to direct him with the same hand.
“Call an ambulance!”
Tommy stayed there… frozen. He had this look on his face like he was witnessing the worst thing he’d ever seen. Like she was already dead. They didn’t have time for this.
“Call a fucking ambulance!”
He hesitated again, eyes still glued to Sarah, but after a moment, he nodded and pulled out his phone stepping into the hallway to make the call.
Joel immediately had his eyes on Sarah again, assessing the situation. He couldn’t tell whether the blood was coming from her lungs or her stomach but either way it was a lot and it was bad. His hands were shaking as he watched the scene in horror. He was supposed to be able to fix this, he was supposed to make it better… and he couldn’t. He was helpless.
~
He couldn’t focus on anything but her. The doctors were throwing questions at him that Tommy was able to answer until they took her down to the ambulance. He wasn’t allowed in and now it was all on Joel. He sat next to her, holding her hand tight as the EMTs went through their routine checks and tried to figure out what was wrong with her.
“Okay sweetheart, I need you to tell me where it hurts.”
The nurse had already asked that question several times and Sarah had been in too much pain every time to answer.
“Everywhere!” she shrieked in pain.
The woman pressed a hand gently to Sarah’s stomach and she let out a gut-wrenching scream. Joel squeezed her hand a little.
“I know, babygirl, I know, I know-” he stopped to look at the woman who was working to get her IV hooked up. “Do something!”
“I am sir, I promise you she will be okay, but I need you to calm down.”
Not much longer after that they put in a small dose of a sedative just to ease her pain and squirming. She didn’t fall asleep, but she went sort of limp.
“Sarah?” he started. “Baby?”
Nothing, just laying there, eyes open. Her inability to answer him scared him. So much so that he squeezed tighter and had to fight as hard as he could to keep his own tears at bay.
“Please don’t do this to me, baby, please fight, please-”
“She’ll be okay.”
He must’ve repeated that to himself half a million times from there to the hospital.
~
It was like something from a movie. As soon as they got to the doors of the operating room he was left behind like dust in the wind. Not a word, but he’d seen it enough times in fiction to know he couldn’t cross that boundary. He just had to sit and wait. Sit and wait for her to live or die and it killed him, ate at him from the inside out.
Tommy showed up a few minutes after they wheeled her in. He’d asked a couple of questions and Joel managed a few muttered answers. The ones he really needed to know, but the trivial ones flew in one ear and out the other.
“She’s gonna be alright, Joel.”
He wasn’t sure why, but the more people that tried to convince him of that the less he actually believed it. The one thing he was sure of… he wasn’t losing his daughter tonight.
~
“She’s got chronic intestinal pseudo-obstruction.”
Joel looked at the doctor in front of him with a face that meant what? Tommy stood in the corner, swaying back and forth and holding onto his own hand nervously. That was the difference between the brothers. Tommy processed things, he rationalized. Joel just shut down.
“It’s not actually an obstruction, it’s more of a paralysis. Her brain is telling her body there’s an obstruction that’s not really there. So her body goes haywire.”
Joel shot him another wordless response. And?
“So what does that mean? Chronic means it’s always there right? She never had it before. Why is it here now?”
The doctor sighed softly and mirrored Tommy’s shifting.
“We don’t exactly know what caused it, it could be any number of things. This is an underlying thing that is triggered by something, but we’ll wear ourselves out trying to figure it out.”
“So what do we do now?”
Another beat.
“Well… the good thing is this is the most severe of cases. The blood came from a tear in her stomach. She’s probably been sick for a while. With girls her age… sometimes it’s hard to tell. The tear is treatable, it actually happens a lot. The overlying problem though, it’s usually much milder than this. Small episodes or attacks that cause some pain and discomfort. It might be hard for her to eat, but we monitor it. If needed we can give her a feeding tube and some infusions as treatment, but we’ll play it by ear. The important thing is that she’s going to be okay.”
Joel repeated it in his mind again. She’d be okay. But she was sick, and it wasn’t going to go away. Nobody could fix this, not even the doctors. So what was he supposed to do now? Oh god… what would he tell her?