Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Chapter One:

Readers POV

Another year at a school. However, I was sent to a new country where I knew no one. I had a cousin here who lived in the UK but I have never met or heard of them. Yet here I am about to go to school with them. I don’t even know if they know I exist. My father hated his brother. His brother was a wizard who married a witch. My father was ordinary who married an ordinary woman so when I sneezed and something to do with magic happened it was like I was disowned. Mind you from what they told me when I first sneezed, I was merely a baby.  

They raised me to believe that if I were to give into the temptation of learning any magic that it was the work of the Devil and that I would be damn to hell for eternity. My dad, I think, blames me for what happened to my sister and brother. They both never had magic but, when they played with me and something weird would happen, I was the one to take the blame. It was eighteen years of this before they found out the could legally get rid of me. We have always lived in America from my understanding but, clearly my parents have lived here in the United Kingdom. They had British accents that had slowly mended into an American accent. I was born in America and to hide the past they tried their best to make sure I only had an American accent. Some how I just know this will be a problem here. It is probably best to pretend that I am mute at this school.  

“Hello dear. It is so good to finally meet you. Welcome to the family home. I am Amber and this is your Uncle Tom. This is your cousin William.” They said and I looked at them and just felt out of place. They were all well-kept, and it was as even the house knew I did not belong here.  

“Hi I am y/n. I guess it is nice to finally meet you. I know it’s a bit rude to say this but, I truly did not know any of you existed until just this month.” I said and Tom and Amber smiled at me.  

“I knew sweetheart. That is not your fault though. We also did not know in the beginning but he did call and inform us about your abilities at your very first sneeze. He thought we had cursed you with the abilities. He never did understand that it is something you are born with.” My uncle Tom said and of course I should have assumed my dad would do the sort.  

“Come now darling. Come inside. Let’s get some food inside of you.” My aunt Amber said. She grabbed onto my shoulder and pulled me into a hug inside of her house. Tom and William just waved at me and escorted me to the table alongside her. She sat beside me and in front of us was a feast. It was odd to see so much food.  

“What is America like?” William asked me. 

“I am not too sure. I had a lot of strict rules I was forced to follow just because of my abilities. I wasn’t allowed out of the house and once I got into trouble in kindergarten, they forced me to homeschool. I didn’t get to see much outside of my home there. My mother and father didn’t even let me spend time with my siblings.” I said and looked towards my lap. I am fighting back tears right now because I love my siblings deeply but, even they began to be ashamed of me when my parents did not let their friends come over because people forgot I existed. I was just a name they whispered and if their friends came over, they would be questioned about why I was not in school. Then they would have got into trouble and could have ended up in jail. To everyone, I no longer existed.  

“You are accepted here dear. You do not have to hide who you are here. Now William is just slightly younger than you, so he is in a different grade, however they are going based off age and that puts you at the start of fifth year. It is a bit advanced. Do you have any knowledge on your magical abilities?” Tom asked.  

“I-“I started to say but, I do not wish to get into trouble with them.  

“If you have practiced in secret, I promise you will not get into trouble.” Tom said.  

“I have practiced. I just don’t have much knowledge outside of hand magic.” I said and Tom smiled.  

“Mind showing me something that you have practiced?” Tom asked.  

“Really?” I asked and smiled.  

“Please.” He said. I waved my hand, and the table cleared. I waved it again and it was put away. I waved my hand once more and I had cleaned up any mess that remained. I waved it for a fourth time and my bags appeared inside the house.  

“I am impressed.” Tom said and I felt myself feel something that might be considered happiness.  

“Really?” I asked.  

“Yes. You have managed to learn a lot by being so sheltered from it. How were you able to study and practice it in my brothers’ house without him knowing?” My uncle Tom asked.  

“I only practiced when everyone was asleep and only when they were not at home.” I said.  

“We learned how to do that before our first year though dad.” William said and then I felt the happiness drain from me.  

“That is only because you had people teaching you. You had someone there to help you practice. You had someone to applaud for everything you had done. She didn’t get the opportunity to have that though.” Tom said. William put his head down slightly.  

“Sorry, I do not want to cause any trouble.” I said and looked at my hands. Things around me started to shake a little and it had felt like everything around me was unstable. Stop thinking like this. It is going to become a problem. I tried to silence my mind and when I managed to do it everything around me stopped shaking.  

“My-my you are quite powerful. Does that happen often?” I heard Tom ask. 

“What do you mean?” I asked him a bit confused.  

“Does that happen when you are upset? Do things seem to feel unstable and become rather shaky? That does not happen to everyone. Matter of fact I haven’t heard of that happening before now.” Uncle Tom said and My Aunt Amber just looked at me with her mouth slightly ajar.  

“Yes. I have tried many times to control it. No one over there knows this stuff I don’t think. So, they would think it was an earthquake and I would just have to go with it and pretend it wasn’t me who created the problem. Of course, my father would know it was me and then some stuff would happen.” I said and returned my eyes to the table.  

My aunt Amber clapped her hands, and all the food reappeared in front of us but on plates.  

“Are you not hungry?” She asked me. I shook my head and just played with my hands under the table.  

“I do want to let you know the school you are going to relies on magic. It is taught in every subject. You have a few professors who have offered to aid in getting you caught up and trained with the necessary spells. However, there is always a problem professor, and I must warn you he has offered to assist you because he thinks it is going to be a testimony to how great of a wizard he is.” Uncle Tom said and I felt myself smile.  

“Really? Everything is just purely magic?” I asked.  

“Absolutely.” He said and smiled.  

“The teachers there are nice?” I asked.  

“They are called professors here dear. For the most part the majority are. However, I will warn you that once again the teacher that is primarily going to be helping you is not the kindest. He has a permanent scowl on his face. There is also one other who is not a teacher but has taken a temporary leave from the ministry of magic to help you get caught up as well. I do apologize if it becomes overwhelming, but it is necessary for you to get every bit of knowledge. He added and I smiled.  

“Oh, that is kind of that person. Are they kind? I haven’t been around nice people before.” I said.  

“Kind is not the word we would use for him. He is a Slytherin. He feels very entitled. He also has an ego that is massive. He is also arrogant. I would never use the word kind in association with him. I barely like to use his name but, it is best you know it. His name is Lucius Malfoy. He is Draco Malfoy’s father and for you I would just address him by his last name.” He said and started to eat the food in front of him. This encouraged William and Amber to eat.  

“When will I be going to this school?” I asked.  

“We will be leaving here shortly to get you to the platform. William will be sure to get you to classes. That is until you are able to get to them on your own.” He said and I looked towards William, and he smiled.  

“Thank you I really appreciate it.” I said. They all continued to eat but, I avoided it. I don’t want to upset my stomach. There was not much I could do about it anyway. My stomach doesn’t tolerate food that well anymore. I didn’t eat properly with my family. They had these wonderful meals that would smell amazing, but I was not invited to eat with them ever. At first it hurt my feelings but, after a while it was just normal for me. The only things I was fed were peanut butter and jelly sandwiches or dry bologna sandwiches. After a while I just didn’t want to eat anymore. I will be fine though. I think this is just nerves.  

“Why not go and freshen up and afterwards we will get you over to the platform to get you into the school. You two will ride by train and then William will take you to Hogsmeade to get some last-minute books. What you are not able to find there the teachers who have offered to help will give you the rest.” Tom said and I smiled.  

“Where is the?” I started to ask where the bathroom was but, was interrupted by Tom.  

“It is the second door in the hallway. It is on the left.” He said and I gave him a small smile and walked down the hallway. I went into the bathroom and looked in the mirror. I look awful. No wonder they asked me to freshen up. I waved my hand in front of my face and my appearance returned to something that was better suited to be around people. I walked out of the bathroom and noticed everything was cleaned up again and put away. William was standing by the door and so were Tom and Amber.  

“My, you look wonderful. Sorry, I hope it did not come off as rude to have you go and freshen up.” Tom and Amber said together.  

“It was not rude. I just wanted to say thank you for telling me to freshen up. I was unaware that I looked like that.” I said and looked down.  

“Come now. Let’s get you over to the platform.” Tom said.  

Chapter Text

Readers POV

“Come now. Let's get you over to the platform.” Tom said.

“You are going to love Hogwarts if you have not been able to practice magic much.” William said walking alongside me.

“It sounds like I will. I haven’t had much experience but, I am hoping to learn as much as I can.” I said and he smiled.

“You will have plenty of time to have fun with magic.” William said.

“It sounds like the majority of the magic I will use is going to be in classes which is actually very exciting.” I said and the smile that fell upon my face was odd. I have not had anything that made me feel this happy. Happiness no longer comes easily for me. It is just foreign to me. I am not sure I like how it feels considering my face kind of hurts.

I wish my parents would have just sent me here earlier. Maybe had they sent me here once they figured out, I had the abilities then I wouldn’t feel the way I do right now. I guess I will truly never know. I wish these two were my parents. Maybe everything would be different. I managed to ignore my surroundings by putting myself on an autopilot mindset. When I finally came to and looked at my surroundings, we were in the middle of a train station and people were running into a column.

“Excuse me, what is happening?” I asked.

“We are getting onto the platform 9 ¾ but, we have to run into it. It will always be between the pillars 9 and 10. Just run right into it dear.” Amber said and I looked at her and continued to watch others run right into it.

“The one’s going into that now are Ron and Harry. They are kind but, Harry is a bit of a famous wizard. He has survived a lot. They haven’t bothered to notice me though.” William said and went from watching them, to looking at me and then looking at the ground.

“Surely, that will change though. Have you talked to them at all?” I asked.

“Oh god no. I would rather be a fly on a wall when it comes to them. They are almost always getting into trouble, or they find themselves in trouble.” William said looking at me once again.

“Alright go on. I will meet you on the other side. Don’t stop right once you get on the other side. Move so you don’t get run over by the rest of us.” William said and nudged me forward. I stepped closer to the pillar and ran through it with my bags. I did as William instructed and moved out of the way. Within another moment William was at my side, and he wrapped his arm around mine and moved me towards the carriage that had all the belongings in it.

“Here you are, thank you for loading everything for us.” William said to someone that was moving their wand back and forth moving their wand with every luggage.

“You are welcome.” They said and William pulled me towards the entrance of the train. This is amazing. I have never been on one before. This is incredible. I mean it truly is amazing.

“Now my friends and everyone do not know about you obviously. Why don’t you come sit with us.” William said and I looked at him.

“I don’t want to ruin your moment with your friends. Really, I should find somewhere to sit. You do not have to babysit me. When we get there, I will find you okay?” I said and he smiled.

“Thank you. Are you sure?” He asked with a smile.

“Of course. I will see you whenever we get there.” I said and he sped away. They must have a specific spot they always sit in. I am starting to notice I don’t see many adults on the train. You would think there would be given that it is filled with kids.

“Move along now.” I heard a voice say so I started to move. I followed the train to the back cart where I saw two slots open. Both had people in it but, the one on the right had only one whereas the one on the left was occupied by three people. All of which looked like adults. I opened the trolley to the one on the right and lightly tapped on the door to get the persons attention who had their head in a book.

“Hello, would it be alright if I joined you?” I asked.

“Yes, of course have a seat. What is your name?” The male asked.

“I am Y/N. What might yours be?” I asked and they smiled.

“I am Professor Lupin. You must be the student that I will be training on occasion.” He said and the accent everyone has influences my thoughts on them. Professor Lupin is an attractive man. I can’t imagine what it would be like to hear him while he teaches.

“Really? You are one of my instructors?” I asked my eyes opening a little bigger.

“But of course. The other trolly across the way has a few of the other ones but, we will let them be. What do you know about magic? I have heard a little about your situation but, I am having a hard time understanding why someone would not let you practice.” Lupin said.

“My parents are against any magic. I don’t know much. I managed to know about the stuff I could do with just my hands but, I was not allowed to practice anything with their knowledge. Again, I really do not know much.” I said and looked towards my hands.

“Well then learning even the basics would probably be a treat then, wouldn’t it?” He asked.

“Yes, I am looking forward to being able to learn and practice everything.” I said.

“I must say I am pretty tired. I might try and close my eyes for a bit.” Professor Lupin said.

“Goodnight professor.” I said and saw him rest his head against the window. I pulled my legs up to my chest and hugged onto them. It will only be for a little while. I just have to remind myself of that. I am eighteen and this will not last forever. This is only temporary. No one is ever going to like me at this school. I am just going to be odd here. Already behind with parents who could care less about me. Really with parents that didn’t want me. I am tired of this. After everything I went through back home how I survived my own self is beyond me. I moved to rest my head on my knee when the trolley door opened.

“Lupin have you seen the new girl? I would like to introduce myself seeing as how I get to teach the girl.” Another voice said. I kept my head on my knees and did not move. The voice sounded like when they spoke the words, they weren’t happy with the thought of having to teach someone. However, the accent again was amazing. I keep forgetting that here, I am the one with the accent. The way they speak is the native speech over here.

“She is right there but, she might be asleep. Let her be Lucius. She is probably exhausted. It must have been quite the trip to get here.” Lupin said.

“Right then. I will just join you until she awakes and then I will introduce myself.” Lucius said.

“Do you have to torture me with your presence?” Lupin said and I felt like I was going to give it away that I in fact was not asleep. I had to try my hardest to stifle the laugh that threatened to leave my body but, I did manage, and I closed my eyes.

“She does not act as if she is asleep. I don’t know many people who are able to sleep with all of their muscles flexed in order to keep their body so close to them. Girl, are you awake?” Lucius said and I felt something like a stick tap my foot. Do not move. Do not show that you are awake.

“Leave her be. She again is probably tired. Let her rest.” Lupin scowled at Lucius.

“She is awake. Her breathing is not shallow enough. Her grip tightened when I smacked her leg. It is impolite to ignore an adult.” Lucius said and I finally dropped my act and let my legs go. I brought my arms close to my chest and looked towards the man that was talking. His hair was very white. His jaw was sharp and eyes semi-dark.

“See, not asleep. Now my name is Lucius Malfoy. For the time being I am to use my leave from the ministry to get you caught up. My son Draco will assist in some of the lessons when it comes to defending yourself. Do not disappoint me.” Lucius said and I looked at him and then over to Lupin.

“Alright, well thank you-" I was in the middle of saying something but, he cut me off.

“American accent. You sound silly girl. Hopefully eventually that will change. I know your parent's voices must have changed going into America. I just figured you would have at least a hint of an accent. Such a shame to destroy you.” Lucius added.

“That is enough. She will see you during her lesson. Time for you to leave. We both would like rest.” Lupin said and stood up to dismiss Lucius. Once Lucius was no longer in the room, I felt truly exhausted.

“I apologize for his arrogance. He will never apologize to you. It is not in his nature.” Lupin said.

“Get some rest. It is going to be a long day when we arrive. They are going to sort everyone into their houses and then from there you will start your classes. That is, you alone though. Everyone else starts in a few days but, you need at least the basics to get through the day.” Lupin said and I smiled.

“Thank you. I look forward to it.” I said before resting my head against the wall and felt myself doze off.

Chapter Text

READERS POV

“Time to get up.” I heard someone say. It sounded like Professor Lupin but, surely all of this is just a dream.

“Come on now. Time to get up.” I felt someone nudge me a little and I jolted awake.

“Sorry about that.” I said. I sat up and then proceeded to stand up.

“Off you go. I can help escort you to the great hall. There is where you can find your cousin if you wish to.” Lupin said and I smiled at him.

“Thank you again.” I said.

“Nonsense. You do not have to say thank you so often you know. It is kind but, if you do that for anytime that someone helps you then for the next couple of months your tongue will fall out.” Lupin said and smiled.

“Sorry about that. It is just a habit. I am having a hard time breaking it.” I said and he smiled.

“That’s quite alright.” He said and smiled. He walked along my side into the massive castle like building.

“This place is beautiful.” I said. It was very breathtaking. I have only seen something that looked like this in my dreams from the books I had read. All of which fairytales and right now they do not seem so make believe.

“Haven’t experienced a place like it?” Lupin asked.

“No, I was trapped inside of my room in my parents' home. I never got to see much. They didn’t even let me get past kindergarten when I was younger.”  I said.

“Your life sounds depressing.” He said.

“Yeah, I suppose it does.” I said and followed him into the great hall. There were so many kids that it made my anxiety act up. I wanted to reach out and hold onto something or someone but, I let my feet plant firmly on the ground as more people surrounded us all. Everything around me blurred. My vision was going in and out. I thought I was going to pass out. My hands got slightly damp. I started to sweat. My body began to sway. I heard a loud and booming voice but, I couldn’t hear the words. I feel like I am going to pass out. I felt a hand on my shoulder. They put a little pressure on it and then squeezed it. When I looked to the side, I recognized that it was my cousin William.

“I know it is a lot but, everything will be okay. I promise. They have called your name though.” He said and when everyone around me turned towards me I felt even more of the pressure.

“Don’t fall it will be embarrassing.” He whispered to me, and I realized he wasn’t wrong. This is so weird.

“Y/N Y/L/N come up here deary.” The woman said and she was holding a hat up. Surely her arm must be tired. Why wouldn’t she just use a spell to hold it up for her. I made my way over to the chair next to her and sat on it. The hat hovered over my head and the grumbling started. It mumbled to itself.

“Who are you?” The hat asked me, and I responded with my name.

“I know that much but why are you here.” It asked. I don’t know if I should say anything.

“Alright then. Ravenclaw it is.” It said and before I stood to move away it mumbled something else.

“No. No that is not right. Hufflepuff… No, still not right. Your nerves are clouding my judgement child.” The hat said and I looked at the woman next to me who had her lips puckered and she was looking to an older man with a white beard.

“Slytherin. That mind when not scared is dark.” The hat said and I waited another moment before the hat yelled next. I guess I am a Slytherin whatever that means. A blonde boy approached me and grabbed my arm.

“I am Draco. My dad mentioned that I had to help you. Here is your first lesson. Stay away from Potter.” Draco snapped at me.

“Is he your boyfriend or something?” I asked. I have heard of same sex relationships I just have never seen or witnessed it in person.

“What? No!” He practically yelled at me.

“Sorry.” I said and looked towards my hands. I didn’t mean it in a rude way but, it sure had no problem coming out that way.

“Right then, sit down.” He said and I followed his guidance. The rest of the kids got sorted into their house. I was the only older kid that needed to be sorted so I felt a bit odd. I was eighteen and I was being sorted as if I was some 10–14-year-old child. I don’t like being made to be an odd one out. I looked at the table in front of me and with the final words of the older gentleman and the clap of his hand's food appeared in front of us.

“Eat something. We do not have to opportunity to snack later.” Draco said. I took a piece of bread from the table and started to bite into it. It tasted amazing. I haven’t had something to eat in what felt like ages but, that is because it was my fault.

“Ms. y/l/n when you are done with your food then see to it that you get to my class. Draco may escort you.” A deep voice rumbled through my ears. His voice was like music to my ears.  I set the piece of bread down on the plate that was in front of me and got up. I removed myself from the table and started to follow behind the professor. Once I stepped into the hall behind him, he turned around.

“Did you not want to finish eating?” His words were drawn out. His face looked relaxed but, he sounded annoyed.

“I had enough. I am full. I want to join you to the classroom if you don’t mind.” I said quietly.

“Very well. Come along then.” He said and turned around. He smelt like cedarwood and maple. It was a lovely smell, but it was strong.  It was giving me a headache. We stepped onto the platform of the stairs, and they began to move, and I held on to the railing like I was afraid I was going to fall. He was moving towards the bottom of the stairs, but I had let my body fall to a sitting position on one of the steps.

“Come along.” He said once the stairs stopped moving and I couldn’t find myself to stand.

“They will move again if you do not hurry.” He hollered to me and that is what forced me to get up. I found myself rushing down the stairs and speed walking the hallway to catch back up to him. He is a rather fast man. He looks like he is gliding or floating along the ground rather than walking. He looks like a walking silhouette rather than a man that is standing in front of me.

“Professor what is your name?” I asked and he huffed.

“Professor Snape. I suppose you wouldn’t want a little lesson tonight, would you? I am rather bored and have a little time at the moment.” He said walking towards the desk with his back towards me.

“I would love one.” I said and felt a small smile creep upon my face once again. I quickly shook my head to get the smile off my face when he turned around.

“Eager to learn?” He questioned.

“Yes, I am very eager. I don’t know much of magic I wasn’t allowed to practice so I don’t know much.” I said.

“Weren’t allowed to practice? Do explain.” He said. Some of the words had a certain pop to them and it was a rather amusing sound.

“I don’t want to bore you with the details. I would rather just jump right in to studying the material and practicing.” I said and he looked at me. His expression showed that he was not amused with the answer, but he turned away from me once again. He grabbed a couple of books and walked over to me. He pulled a chair out in front of one of the desks and sat down.

“Have a seat then.” He said so I sat across from him and looked at the books he had on the table. One of them was about potions and the other referred to something that was called Defense Against the Dark Arts. I looked from the books up to him and noticed he was staring at me.

“What is Defense Against the Dark Arts?” I asked.

“It is a way to defend yourself against dark magic. It is in the name. This might be more frustrating than I thought.” He sneered at me.

“No, I mean yes, it is in the name and yes, I understand what defending myself means but, what is the dark arts?” I asked.

“Dark magic, there is a lot of magic that can be used to harm people. Some forbidden curses that can inflict pain or even kill people.” He said as if I was still just a mere stupid child.

“Alright then, I am ready to learn.” I said. He cocked an eyebrow up and then proceeded to grab that book first. He started to teach me some standard things seeing as how I did not have a wand.

“Well, there she is. Eager isn’t she.” I heard the cocky voice.

“Very. Can you take her to get a wand in the morning? This is pointless if she does not have the bare necessity in order to cast spells.” Professor Snape said.

“I can take her now. If she wants to learn mine as well get her going.” Lucius said.

“They are not open right now.” Professor Snape said.

“Then I shall make them open.” Lucius said.

“Just see it that it is gotten by morning. It is late. I didn’t realize that it was past curfew. Get to bed.” Professor Snape said.

“Where are those exactly?” I asked.

“That’s right. You wouldn’t know that yet. Very well, follow me.” Professor Snape said and started towards the door. I followed him and started to struggle to keep up but, I finally managed to get behind him.

“Keep up or you will surely fall behind.” He said. His scent was intoxicating. I know I am just going to annoy everyone here. This is going to bother everyone. Everyone that is surrounding me at the very least or have to try and stop what they are doing in their everyday lives to just try and get me caught up to speed. I started to rub my arms where the sleeves were covering, and I felt the markings that were raised on my arms. They stung but, there isn’t much that I can do that will stop them from burning or stinging.

“Pure blood is the password for your common room, and they are the way to the dormitories. Do not tell anyone else what the password is.” Professor Snape said and dismissed himself. I whispered the password to the painting, and it opened up. This is so new to me. Where exactly is my room though? I still do not know.

“Are you y/n?” A girl with long black hair asked me. I nodded my head, and she pulled me towards one of the rooms. There was an empty bed, but my belongings were on it.

“This is our room. I just wanted to make sure you got into it before I had fallen asleep. Nice to meet you.” She said. Thank God. I am exhausted. I didn’t realize just how tired I was though until I laid down on the bed after moving my bag. I waved my hand, and all of my belongings put themselves away in the drawers that were given to me. I didn’t bother to even get changed for bed I just had drifted off to sleep.

Chapter Text

Readers POV:

The sweats were creeping on me. The memory of my parents taking turns yelling at me for being stupid and meaningless to them filled my head. Hearing my mother yell at me for being an awful child and my father screaming at me for being useless. It haunted my dreams. I felt the sting of the belt across my back and legs before I sat up panting. I had woken up and it was still dark out. What time is it? You know what I don’t care. I need to breathe. This place is starting to feel stuffy. I don’t know how that is possible though as everywhere is huge. I got off the bed and with a wave of my hand I was freshened up and with a new set of clothes on. Another long sleeve shirt and jeans. I opened the door as quietly as I possibly could and walked out and into the common room. I didn’t see anyone in there, so I walked out of the door and into the main hallway. I slowly walked down the dark hallway and didn’t worry about using a light to get around. I had no intention of going very far.  At least not yet. I don’t want to get lost.

“If we go then we need to do it now. Wait do you hear someone?” I heard someone say. Alright not the best thing in the world. Someone heard me and I am sure this is not going to be good. They don’t seem young though.

“Who is there?” I heard a voice say. I felt my throat close. The anxiety was making hard for me to say anything once again.

“Lumos.” I heard one of the voices say and then a light shined on me. A wand pointed at my face and two grown men were looking at me. Lupin. Oh, thank God I thought I was going to make an enemy.

“My word you startled us. I would suggest not doing that when you are surrounded by wizards dear. A lot of us might just say a spell that might hurt you if you just sneak up on people. Where is your wand?” Professor Lupin asked. The anxiety was still pretty high which explains as to why I collapsed instead of saying anything. I couldn’t get my breathing under control, and I began to hyperventilate.

“Who is she Remus?” A man with black wavy hair asked him.

“This is y/n. She is the new girl I will be helping get caught up. Go and see if Snape has some calming potion, please.” Lupin said.

“Do I have to? You know he and I are not the best of buddies.” The other man said.

“Sirius go and get him to give it up or have him come see the severity of this.” Lupin said now kneeling in front of me. The man's name is Sirius. I want to tell him that this will pass but, I cannot get the words out. I become useless when my anxiety attack gets to this point. I hate how my body betrays me.

“What in god's name is she doing out of her room at this time of night.” I heard the deep rumble of the voice and then a female voice that hummed behind it.

“Are you alright dear?” I heard and it was the woman that stood next to the hat that told me I was a Slytherin.

“Here, go ahead and drink some of this.” Professor Snape said and handed me a small vile. I took it from his hand and when my fingers brushed against his hand, I felt something in my body shift weirdly. What was that? I felt like my breath was returning to normal and the anxiety was coming down. I took a sip from the vile though. I didn’t want to make anything weird for anyone else. I handed back the vile and eventually my head felt like it was not being squeezed anymore. The knot in my chest eased and I felt better. It felt like everything in my head that caused some doubt was now gone. This is a rather weird feeling.

“When she is better, please see it she gets back into her dorm.” The woman professor said.

“By the way dear I am Professor McGonagall.” She said before turning away and returning to her private chambers. The three men peered over to me, and I felt myself drift into a slumber.

 Lupins POV

“What did you give her Snape?” I asked and he looked at me.

“It was just the calming potion. It is possible it was the only reason she woke up. Go on I will get her back into her room.” He said to me, and I felt like something was a bit off with her. I know she mentioned she had some issues with her family but, why would that cause any issues here?

“Let me help you.” I said.

“I can do it just fine thank you.” He said and looked between her and I.

“When did the two of you meet?” Snape asked me, narrowing his eyes at me.

“On the train. What are you suggesting Severus?” I asked.

“Nothing. Nothing at all. Fine then you carry her.” He said and turned away from me. I reached towards her and pulled her closer to me. The child was incredibly light. Unnaturally light. I followed Snape towards the common room, and he said the password to get the door to open. When it opened for him, he stepped in, and I followed behind him. He walked me over to the room she was assigned, and I rested her on the open bed and escorted myself and Snape out of the room.

“What happened that got her to the state she was in?” He asked me.

“I do not know.” I said and looked to him.

“We will all have to work on that tomorrow I suppose.” Snape said and then turned away from me and I assume he is descending back into his chamber.

“Remus, why was she panicked? It almost seems like someone here was able to calm her nerves before she drank the potion.” Sirius asked me.

“It is odd that she calmed after grabbing it from Severus. Maybe it was an act.” I said and we walked down the hallway trying to look for any other students that might be roaming the halls this late at night.

Readers POV:

I woke up rubbing my head from the headache I had. What happened? I don’t remember falling back asleep in this room. Matter of fact I don’t remember getting back into the room last night. The last thing I remember is being surrounded by three men when Professor McGonagall left.

“Hey, glad your awake. Let’s go get some breakfast.” The girl who waited for me last night said. I followed her to the great hall and smiled when I saw the amount of people at the Slytherin table. Just take a deep breath. You will get through the day. I almost made it to a spot at a table before Sir Malfoy came into my view and motioned for me to follow. I grabbed a muffin from the table and followed him.

“May I ask where we are going?” I asked him.

“Diagon Alley. You need some supplies that we cannot get at Hogsmeade.” He said and I continued to follow at least a foot behind him so I could eat the muffin.

“I wouldn’t do that if I were you. Come here.” He said and I was confused but when he held his arm out for me, and I grabbed onto it I felt a pain in my stomach and then it was like it was doing a hundred flips within a second. My feet planted on the ground, and I fell over holding onto my stomach. He is right I should not have done that. I can feel it all trying to come back up.

“Clearly this is also another thing you do not know about?” He asked but, it sounded my rhetorical.

“No. Sorry I guess I am truly dimwitted when it comes to all of this stuff.” I said and he smiled. He is rather handsome. I felt everything feel like it was ready to escape but, instead of letting it I righted myself.

“Well, come on let's go get you a wand and then we need to go and pick up some uniforms for you. Maybe some leisurely outfits. My wife Narcissa will be joining us for that. She has mentioned missing someone to shop with. I suppose it will be good for the both of you.” He said. He is something else. I don’t want to meet everyone within a span of two days. That is a lot for anyone to process. I followed along letting my brain dissociate when we walked from store to store. That was until we stopped into the wand store, and I heard something sound like it was screeching. Actually, quite a bit in here sounded as if it were getting murdered. My nose scrunched and my eyes closed tightly as I reached to cover my ears. It is a rather unpleasant noise. I felt a hand touch my shoulder and I shook it off.

“This place is rather loud.” I said and he looked at me seeming amused.

“There is no sound.” He said. I could barely hear him through the screeches. What does he mean there is no sound?

“Miss, what can I help you with?” The man behind the counter asked. I looked around trying to find something that might stick out to me. Yet the only thing coming to mind is something that looked like a branch that had an emerald gemstone on it.

“Do you have a pen and paper?” I asked.

“I have quill and parchment.” He said scooting it towards me. I drew what I saw in my mind to the best of my ability before covering my ears again. He looked at the parchment and smiled.

“That is an old wand.” He said to me but, his eyes looked towards Mr. Malfoy.  

“It should work still, correct?” He asked. The man nodded before going into the back of the stock row. He pulled it out and the box looked like it was deteriorating. He opened the box, and everything silenced. My eyes popped open a little and it was like the thing I had dreamed about for years was in front of me. Anytime a wand was brought up in the fairytales I read, this is the wand I envisioned. It is real and now in front of me. It is so beautiful. I reached inside the box and grabbed it.

“Go on now. See if it also chooses you.” The man and I looked to Lucius. I don’t know any wand magic.

“Try the light spell. It is Lumos.” He said and watched as I didn’t speak the words. I ran the word through my mind and the wand lit up.

“Interesting.” Lucius said.

Lucius POV:

“Interesting.” I said. She must have thought of the word instead of saying it. Yet, the wand reacted to the thought. That could be dangerous. She could accidentally cast a curse. Interesting indeed.

“How strange.” She spoke. Her eyes lit up and it was kind of amusing to see what it is like to watch someone fall in love with something so quick.

“Very well, let's get going.” I said and tossed the man a few quid for the wand, and he bid us farewell. The last place we need to stop is at the shop to meet Narcissa. She has been patiently waiting over there. She is going to love this girl unfortunately. That much I know. I am not a fan of her finding someone to befriend that isn’t me. I guess this is better than her bloody sister. Bellatrix is not my favorite person to deal with.

“Hello, you must be y/n.” I heard Cissy’s voice.

“Yes, hi, and you are his wife, I think? Wow stunning. How did he get so lucky?” Y/n said, and I looked to her and cocked an eyebrow.

“Excuse me? I am a catch.” I said and smirked. Cissy has a rather large smile on her face and dare I say she looks as though she is blushing.

“Sure but, she is way too beautiful.” Y/n said I felt myself ache a little. What a brat.

“Come now, you and I are going to do some shopping. He can go get the uniforms. I knew I would like you when I saw you.” Cissy said holding her arm out for the student. How am I to know her size.

“She appears to be a small. Go on and get her uniforms then let's take her out to lunch before you have to get her back to the school.” Cissy said and I waited for her to turn around before I walked away. She wants to treat her to lunch too. Interesting how flattery just got more money out of my pocket.

Readers POV:

“What was lifelike over in America?” Mrs. Malfoy asked me.

“I can’t say much about it. I only ever saw my room.” I said and tried to avoid eye contact.

“Here try this on.” She held up a beautiful green dress to me. It looked small even for me and I don’t know why she wants me to try it on but, I will. I took the dress from her and looked around. I didn’t see a dressing room anywhere.

“That’s right. You don’t know much magic.” She said and tried to make eye contact with me. I know the freshen up hand gesture and to change into an outfit but, I don’t want to ruin the dress. I guess it doesn’t hurt to try.

“May I show you a spell?” She asked.

“Yes, please.” I said. She put the wand in my hand and told me to say the word Multicorfors. That doesn’t make the most sense however I did what she said, and the dress appeared on me, and I looked at her.

“Wow you look beautiful.” She said. I heard someone clear their throat and when her and I looked to the side Mr. Malfoy was standing there.

“Amazing.” He said and stood by his wife.

“Well, that was quick dear.” She said and smiled at him. He slid his arm around her waist and kissed the top of her head.

“I had everything sent to her room at Hogwarts. Please tell me this isn’t the only thing she is getting.” He said to her.

“Of course, not and she isn’t getting this one. I just saw a different one I think would look breathtaking on her.” She said.

“She can get both.” Mr. Malfoy said and before I had any time to respond a new dress was put on me and it was a fitted dress. It had a corset top, so everything was popping out and the rest of the dress had a floral pattern on it with a deep forest green to fill in the empty spaces. My chest wasn’t massive to begin with but, you wouldn’t be able to tell from the fact they looked huge with the corset being tight.

“She looks stunning in it doesn’t she?” His wife said.

“Breathtaking.” He muttered while his eyes fixated to my body. Well, this is odd.

“Now that is the one she should wear to the dance.” She said but, his eyes still haven’t left my body.

“Right then. Is that everything?” He said clearing his throat. I quickly made the hand gesture to freshen up and my clothes reappeared on my body and the dress was now in my hands. Mrs. Malfoy held onto the other dress as well as a few nighttime clothes and a few others to where throughout the day. I felt my arm and I can still fill the marks raised on the skin. I am not sure how they didn’t see them but, I am lucky they didn’t.

“Let me get her back to Hogwarts Cissy. We can take her out another time but, some of the Professors need her back as soon as possible. One in particular wanted her back as soon as she had a wand in her hand.” Mr. Malfoy said, and she looked saddened by the news.

“Alright well, it was wonderful to meet you dear. We will take you to a meal one of these days. I like having your company.” She said and brought me in for a hug.

“Thank you for today. Really, I appreciate everything you two have done for me and thank you for helping me with the clothes. If you need anything, please let me know. I might not be the most useful witch but, hopefully that will change soon.” I said and hugged onto her. She seemed so incredibly nice.

Mr. Malfoy held his arm out for me, and I hesitated before grabbing onto him but, I remember how crappy this felt. I held onto him a bit tighter than the first and I closed my eyes. When I opened them again, we were standing in Professor Snape’s room, and it felt like I had been sucker punched in the gut. I leaned forward grabbing onto my stomach fighting off the urge to puke once again.

“You have got to learn to hold yourself together in order to apparate.” Lucius said and I looked at him like I wanted to hit him. After putting myself back together I stood up and looked around the room. Professor Snape, Professor Lupin, Lucius and Sirius was standing in the room.

“Well, let's get them started shall we. We were just informed you started some of the studying last night with Snape. Let's continue where you left off.” Lucius said.

I looked around at the group of people who offered to help me and realized they all had a few things about them that made them all a little similar to one another. All the professors managed to get me through an entire years' worth of lessons in one day. We did not take any breaks for meals. We just continued to work through everything. I had lost track of time because everything seemed to be rather fun.

“You catch on to things quickly.” Professor Lupin said.

“I really appreciate that you all are so willing to help me. I don’t want to keep you from your lives. If I catch on quickly then I won’t be a burden to you all.” I said letting some of the emotions I struggle to hide out.

“You are no burden to us.” Professor Lupin said. He walked over to me and nudged me a little.

“Don’t think like that. It won’t get you anywhere.” His friend Sirius followed suit. I rested myself against one of the desks.

“Do you want to continue or are you ready to be done for the day. If you can learn this quickly in a few hours, then I imagine two more days before classes start is all you will need in order to be where the other fifth years are with knowledge.” Professor Snape said. I am feeling tired but, if they all want to continue then I will. I don’t want to stop if they want to continue.

“Let’s let her get some rest. I have a feeling she would have no problem continuing but seeing as how curfew is in just a few minutes she needs to get into bed.” Professor Lupin said. I felt my stomach growl, but I held onto it to try and keep it from getting louder.

“Did you eat anything today?” Professor Lupin asked me. I nodded my head, and he mumbled something under his breath but, I didn’t quite hear what he said.

“Go on then and get to your common room. Get rest we can continue after breakfast.” Professor Snape said. He sounded annoyed but. I walked out of the classroom and started to walk to the stairs that made me sick to my stomach. Wait I think I forgot my wand in the class. I am not familiar with it enough to have it glued to my stomach.

When I got closer to the door, I heard someone speaking.

“Keep an eye on her when she is here. I might be wrong about what I saw but, I don’t think I am. She has markings all over her arms. I didn’t get a close enough look to see if they were self-inflicted but, the comment about being a burden is worrisome.” It was Mr. Malfoy. Oh god he did see the markings.

“If you are unsure then just get a closer look.” Sirius said.

“This is not something that he can do. It is a delicate situation. If it is self-inflicted and he just rips up a sleeve to look it can do a lot more damage to her.” Professor Lupin said.

“She forgot her wand. I wonder if she realizes that yet.” Sirius said. I heard a bunch of cussing and commotion. I was about to open the door when I heard someone scoff.

“Did you not see the emerald. That wand is dedicated to the person it chooses. Do not touch it. You are lucky it did not hurt you even more than it did Sirius.” Professor Snape said. Wait what? My wand hurt someone? Why did it not hurt me?

“Then how will she get it back. I was going to take it to her.” Sirius said.

“She will come back for it when she remembers it.” Lucius said.

“Shh. Wait a moment.” I heard Professor Snapes voice say. Alright time to pretend I wasn’t just eavesdropping on the conversation they were having. I knocked on the door and they flung open.

“Sorry, I realized before I was at the top of the stairs that I had forgotten my wand.” I said and grabbed it from the desk.

“Goodnight.” I said to the group of men before walking away for the second time.

“How much do you suppose she heard? Sirius asked.

“I am going to assume nothing until she says otherwise.” Professor Lupin said.

I managed to make it to the common room and into my room when I noticed the girl going through my things.

“What are you doing?” I asked her.

“Where did you get all of this stuff?” She asked. I waved my hand, and everything put itself away.

“They were a gift.” I said and tried to ignore that she was being nosey.

“That is nice of whoever gifted that stuff to you. I mean they even got you a dress for the dance. That is impressive. You have been here for five minutes, and you are already being treated as if you are better than the rest of us. I am going to go to Pansy’s room for the night.” She made her snide remark and then left the shared room. That is fine with me I would rather be alone anyway.

Lucius saw the markings on my arms. This is not what I wanted. I looked at some of the books that I was given and one of them was filled with spells. I opened it and started to do a personal dive into it to try and find something to help me cover up the marks in case one of them decides to just pull on a sleeve. It took an hour of looking but I did find a masking spell and I used my wand to say it and pointed it directly to my arm. All of the scars had successfully been hidden and that took some of the stress away. No one will see the ones on the rest of my body. I pointed it the markings on my chest that the dress barely managed to hide and masked those ones as well. Everything else should be fine to keep visible.

I know Professor Lupin said that I was not a burden but, I don’t believe him. I think I am probably the biggest burden they have come across. Honestly my mom and dad were right when they told me I was worthless and an annoyance to their house. I assume it will be no different here.  I mean truly they had to have some truth to what they were saying all of these years. Why would they same something for so long if it didn’t have some kind of truth through it. I looked towards the bag that I brought. I wonder if it is still in the bag or was it put away. Technically that would be put away if it stayed in the bag. I walked over to the bag and started to look throughout it, and I can’t seem to find what I was looking forward. Alright so I wonder if I left it inside the pocket of my jacket. It is possible so I walked over to the closet and grabbed my jacket from it. I reached into the pocket and there it was. I wrapped my fingers around the blade and pulled it out. I closed the closet and sat on my bed. Just until the feeling of being a burden is not in the forefront of my mind. Just until the feeling of not existing anymore goes away. I would rather feel the pain this brings. Maybe I will get lucky and hit something important. I don’t want to deal with this anymore. I changed into a longer nightgown so I can expose my legs. I pulled the dress up and looked towards my thighs. They were almost completely covered in the markings. I opened my legs and saw a clear spot on the inside of my thigh. I put the blade to the skin and as it kissed it, I dragged it across the skin and with the sting and burning sensation, it made the feelings started to intense and then disappear. I became fixated on cutting the skin that I started to dig a hole onto the inside of my thigh. The blood was starting to pool onto the bed as I continued to dig the blade into the inside of my thigh. I finally got pulled out of my fixation when I heard a light knock on the door.

Chapter Text

READERS POV: 

“Might I come in?” I heard a male voice ask from the outside of the door. I put the blade in a drawer beside the bed and mumbled a charm the hid the sight that I made and quickly pulled the blanket onto my lap and hid everything.  I left my legs parted open as the mark I made was starting to have an intense pain to it. I think I went a little too far.  

“Yes.” I said and in came Professor Lupin.  

“Might I ask if you are, okay?” He asked.  

“Yes, sorry for creating a commotion I just needed some air.” I said. I tried my best to avoid any and all eye contact.  

“Alright. I just wanted to see if you were alright. Have a good night. Oh, and here.” He said pulling a small silver and brown package from his pocket.  

“This should help the stomach rumbling. I know you must be hungry.” He said. I looked at what he was giving me, and it was chocolate.  

“Maybe it will help get those thoughts of being a burden out of your mind. Sometimes you just need comfort from something once in a little while.” He said and when I did not grab it from him, he set it on the dresser.  

“Very well, have a good night's rest.” Professor Lupin left and I felt the air around me shift. If I hadn’t known better, it was almost like he was insinuating it might be a period comment. I know what I said in front of them and I know I should keep that stuff to myself but, it slips out sometimes. It is not normal for a person to have to keep there feelings in all the time I am sure but, I need to. I did not come here to make a problem for other people. Nor do I need attention from the instructors. Get some rest I need to rest so I can learn everything within the next couple of days that way they do not have to see me additionally on top of the normal classes. I am sure they have a life of their own they would like to get back to. I took a small bite of the chocolate and laid back on the bed. I swallowed the small piece but, I drifted off to sleep quickly.  

Lucius POV:  

“What do you think of the new girl?” I asked Severus. Surely, he must have some kind of opinion on her. He tends to make an opinion on everyone he meets.  

“She is not as bad as the others. Why do you ask?” He said without looking at me.  

“It seemed like she was a bit flirtatious with Narcissa and she humored the girl. She even made a comment that I was not worthy of Narcissa, and it made her blush.” I said feeling annoyed. She made quite the impression with my wife. I do not appreciate the comment she made but, I do feel a little happy with how Cissy looked at her when she made the comment.  

“Are you upset that she was bold enough to say what a lot of us think?” Severus said and my head snapped in his direction.  

“Excuse me? What do you mean by that? How many people think that she deserves better?” I asked feeling myself become more annoyed.  

“Everyone. Lucius don’t take it to heart. Maybe she was just trying to be pleasant seeing as how you two treated her to today.” Severus said and I could finally feel some of the anger leave me.  

“Suppose you are right. She might not be as bad as the others but, that means she is worse. At least to me she is worse.” I said looking at him.  

“If you want to bow out of helping her then do just that Lucius. She has enough on her plate trying to learn about magic. She doesn’t need you to hound her over your personal feelings.” Severus said. He may be right but, that doesn’t mean I want to stop teaching her. She needs help.  

“She wasn’t that bad. She has managed to pick things up quickly.” I said and I saw a small smirk on his face.  

“Right. She is going to be one of the better students. She did not seem like she wanted to stop tonight.” Severus said and I smiled. 

“Say we should have her do some real practice with the defense against the dark arts tomorrow. Suppose we go and use that room.” I said with a smirk. His attention now fully on me.  

“I will think about it. Go home to your wife Lucius. Before the new girl goes and crawls into bed next to her.” Severus said and the smirk I had on my face fell quickly. I didn’t make any comments before I apparated home. I walked around the house before walking up the stairs into my bedroom. Cissy was in the room sitting up in bed leaning against the headrest.  

“Why are you up so late Cissy?” I asked and sat next to her.  

“I wanted to wait for you. I wanted to talk about y/n.” She said and smiled.  

“Really? What about?” I asked.  

“I really enjoyed her company today. Do you think she would want to be around me again? Rather would it be okay to have her over? Suppose when the school is dismissed maybe if her and Draco get along, she can stay here.” Cissy said. I don’t like how she has already attached to the girl after only a couple of hours with her.  

“Cissy, we barely know the girl. We cannot get close to her with you know who lurking in the dark. We don’t want to put her in any danger do we now Cissy?” I asked.  

“No, I suppose not. She just seems so lonely. I don’t know if you saw but, she has markings on her arm. It looks like she might be hurting herself. I am a little worried about it.” She said.  

“Yes, it was brought up, we are just trying to ease into that question. No one wants to make her feel uncomfortable. Hopefully it will stop now that she is here and not with the people who shamed her for being a witch.” I said wrapping my arms around her and pulling her into a hug.  

“She really made me feel beautiful today, Lucius. Even when she said I was too pretty for you, I saw the look you gave her but, it made me feel very beautiful.” She said and I smiled placing a small kiss to the top of her head. 

“You are beautiful Cissy. I am glad that you felt as beautiful as you look today. You should always feel that way.” I said hugging onto her tighter.  

Readers POV. 

~ ”You cannot keep up this charade you are pulling girl. You might be our family by blood but, you are damaged. You will never be like us. Everything you have done whether it was on purpose or not brings shame to us every day. You are a worthless person. We should have gotten rid of you the moment you showed that you were like the rest of my family.” My dad yelled at me.  

“I am sorry. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know I did that. I am really sorry dad. Please let me come out. I can’t be in here anymore. Please dad let me out. I won’t do it again. I will try harder. Please. Please!” I cried out to him but, realized to late that he pulled his hand back and drew it in the air. His hand came crashing down against my face and the tears stung. I started to sob but, I tried to rush forward to hug onto him to plead more but, he pushed me away and slammed the door in my face.  

“Do us all a favor and rot away. We don’t need you. No one needs you!” My father screamed at me, and it felt like everything around me started to stab into my heart.~  

The tossing and turning startled me awake. I felt the sweat on my body and got off it. I grabbed the blade out of the drawer as well as clothes and headed into the bathroom. I stepped in the shower and stripped myself of my clothes and turned the shower on. I stood in the cold water with the blade in my hand and as the water flowed around me, I started to dig the blade into my stomach. I am worthless. I am useless. They were right. Of course they are right. I was their kid and yet they didn’t want me. They were ashamed of me. How could I think it was going to be any different here? These people are really not going to want me. I am different from everyone here. I am going to stand out like a sore thumb whether I want to or not. I would rather not. If I am lucky eventually I will bleed out. I will finally put my family at ease to not have to worry about if I am making a bad impression upon them from here. Especially since they are from here. The last thing I want is for them to be even more disappointed in me. I love them. I just wish they loved me too. I managed to cut myself deeper and deeper until I heard a noise that sounded as if someone were coming into the bathroom. Oh great. What was the charm again? I keep trying to sort through the charms I read upon again but I cant remember.  

“Poor poor you. Trying so hard but failing. Why are you hurting yourself?” A girl looked at me but, I stood there in shock because even though I was looking at her I was also looking through her. How strange.  

“I-I” I can’t answer her. This is weird. Is she? 

“I am Myrtle. What is your name?” She asked. She has a slight wine to her high-pitched voice.  

“I am y/n.” I said and she giggled.  

“Oh, the new student. Why are you hurting yourself new girl?” She asked and I looked at her with the sadness I could not hide.  

“My family thinks of me as a failure. I can’t keep denying that I am not one when that is all they have called me. If they think of me that way, then I do not want to be here. But I have been unsuccessful at ending my misery. I would like to but, it's like my body will not let me.” I said crying. My sobs were quiet. No one would know any better. I hugged onto my chest to cover the parts of my body that were exposed to Myrtle but she sensed my discomfort and dismissed herself. I turned the water off and grabbed my towel and wrapped it around myself.  

“Get dressed and talk to me. No one ever talks to me anymore.” She said and looked continued to look away. I dried off quickly and put on the school uniform since I needed to get to class today in order to continue to catch up on learning. I held the towel to my stomach in order to continue to get the bleeding to stop. I managed to cut pretty deep but even the physical pain was not enough to stop the emotional pain that I was still feeling.  

“I don’t know anyone enough to talk to anyone. Nor do I really want to I suppose. It will not make the most sense to make friends if I end up becoming successful one of these days. Might I ask Myrtle, what is it like to be dead? Is it peaceful?” I asked. She scoffed.  

“No, it is not peaceful. I would switch places with you if I could. I did not ask or wish to be dead. It happened because-“she said before stopping and started to cry. Her cries were loud and when she reached the peak of it, she floated away and jumped into the toilet and slid into the drains. Poor thing. I don’t know what happened to her but, it is sad to have lost a life if you did not wish to lose it.  

“I am sorry Mertle. Hopefully we can talk again soon.” I said to the air now. I grabbed my clothes when the charm finally came back into mind, and I held my hand over my stomach. The pain was still there but, the blood was now hidden and so was the marking. I returned back to my room and set my dirty clothes on my bed and removed the sheets and folded them nicely onto the bed with a note. It said that I was sorry that they had to clean the place and the clothing but, I grabbed my wand and my books and headed towards Professor Snape’s classroom. I am aware that everyone is probably at the great hall but, I don’t mind waiting in the hallway. Everyone at this point should be eating and I am in no mood to eat at the moment. Not when my stomach hurts. Not when I know darn well that I am still bleeding. No I will simply wait in front of the door and wait until he and the others appear. I sat on the floor and opened up the book and started to study about the dark arts. It seems rather interesting.  

“She was not at breakfast she is probably still in her room. If she is asleep then she clearly is not as into learning like we thought, she was.” I heard Professor Snape’s voice.  

“Or maybe she was not hungry.” Professor Lupin said to him.  

“I am starting to believe we might be the late one’s gentlemen.” I heard Mr. Malfoy say after he cleared his throat and looked towards me. I had made eye contact with him and started to stand up.  

“Why were you not at breakfast Ms. y/l/n?” Professor Snape asked.  

“I am not much of a breakfast person. Thought I would just wait here and start trying to study some of the information.” I said and he arched his eyebrows as if in shock.  

“The meals are something you have to attend. We need to make sure everyone is accounted for and that is how we are able to do that.” Professor Snape said.  

“Is everything alright here?” Sirius asked. “Oh, there she is. I asked your son to see if she was in the common room and instead of helping, he just ran his mouth.” Sirius said towards Lupin.  

“He won’t do much of what anyone asks other than his mother and me.” Mr. Malfoy said.  

“Everything is fine. Shall we?” Professor Snape said and then walked past his room. I managed to get to my feet and follow him to where he was going.  

“This is the Defense Against the Dark Arts classroom. We will be working in here today.” Professor Snape said. All of us followed in behind him and Mr. Malfoy stood beside him.  

“What have you learned from the book?” Mr. Malfoy asked.  

“Not much. I did learn some things but, I am more of a hands-on learner.” I said.  

“Perfect because we are going to be working with that today. Draco is going to join us in the next few minutes and you two will dual.” Mr. Malfoy said.  

“Wait what?” I asked a bit stunned that this is something they would want to teach me. 

“All of the students here learn how to defend themselves. We have had some harsh events happen at the school and you need to know this as in case a professor is not near you in the event of an emergency.” Professor Lupin added.   

“Oh, well I am more than happy to learn but, the parts that I have managed to read and the information that stuck with me were focused on the forbidden curses.” I said and Both Mr. Malfoy and Professor Snape smiled. 

All of the Professors as well as the couple of people that were not actual professors assisted me with learning the disarming charm, togue-tying curse, homorphus charm, Verdimillious duo, tickling charm, banishing charm, petrificus totalus, cushioming charm, and the melofors jinx.  

After they had given me the confidence, I needed to perform the spells Draco stepped inside with his friends and properly introduced them.  

“Now Draco on one side and you will be on the other.” Mr. Malfoy said. I followed instruction given by him and so did Draco. Once we were facing each other one of the Professors counted down from three and Draco started it off by saying the tongue-tying charm. I managed to deflect the spell but, I had read about a freezing spell in one of the books and used that against him.  

“Wait a minute! That is not a first-year spell!” Draco yelled out. Everyone looked towards me with their mouths slightly parted.  

“Sorry, I don’t sleep well so I read instead. I didn’t realize I had chosen something I was not supposed to.” I said and looked towards Professor Lupin.  

“No, by all means carry on you two.” He said and with a now irritated Draco in front of me he yelled out the Orbis Jinx and to counter it I used one of the more simple counter curses. Then I used a disarming charm to remove his wand from him. It flew from his hand then I yelled out Everte Statum and Draco was thrown away from me. I heard him cough a little and then stand up and move towards his friends Crab and Goyle.  

“She is wicked. We are out of here!” He screamed towards his dad.  

“Sorry. I didn’t mean to-“I was trying to call out to him, but Professor Lupin stood in front of me.  

“You did a lot of reading didn’t you?” He asked.  

“Well, yes, but I am sure there is more to learn.” I said. Now I feel weird considering I must have done something wrong. See I am in fact a failure. 

“That was-“someone started to say but I grabbed my books and ran out of the room. I didn’t run into my room I ran to the bathroom where Myrtle was. I let myself slip into the sadness I was feeling. Why do I have to mess everything up? I can’t keep doing this. I can’t keep kidding myself. All of this is wrong. I just ruined something because I either got to far ahead or worse. I am not learning fast enough for them. I truly suck at everything. I don’t want to be here anymore.  

“Back so soon?” I heard the high-pitched voice from Myrtle come near me.  

“Sorry, I just wanted to be able to cry. It’s starting to become too hard to hide how I feel.’ I said and she sat next to me.  

“Death did not bring me piece. It just made me more upset.” Myrtle said. I looked at her and my sadness worsened.  

“I am sorry that you lost a life that you still wanted to live.” I said and she looked at me. It was almost like she could look through me.  

“I hope one day you will want to live.” She said and smiled at me.  

I continued to cry but, I heard the door open and went into one of the stalls quickly to hide.  

“Professor Lupin, I don’t see anyone in here. I don’t think she came in here.” I heard a girl say.  

“She could not have just disappeared. There is no way she figured out how to apparate by just reading. She is going to need someone to show her how to do it without getting herself sick.” I heard his voice. I tried to quickly pull myself together but, it was not working the way I would like it to.  

“Y/n, might I ask you something?” Myrtle whispered towards me, and I nodded.  

“Do you think you should believe what your parents have said?” She asked looking rather sad for me.  

“I don’t have anything else to believe. It is all I know. Why would it be different here?” I asked never looking towards her.  

“Why do you suppose you are still alive then?” She asked and I felt the tears stream down my face.  

“Because I can’t even do that right. I just wish I could.” I said closing my eyes and dropping my head into my hands letting the feelings out.  

“You shouldn’t feel that way.” She said before I heard the door open, and I muffled my sobs pulling my feet up towards myself.  

“Y/n are you in here?” I heard the same female voice call out. I held my breathe so it did not give away that I was in a stall and then Myrtle walked through the stall door. 

“No one is in here except me.” Myrtle said and I heard the female voice sigh.  

“Myrtle if you see her and she tells you her name will you tell her that Professor Snape, Professor Lupin and the others are looking for her.” I heard the female voice say before the door opened and closed again. I finally let out the breath I was holding in and started to sob quietly again. Why does it matter? None of this matters.  

“Oh now, now don’t cry. I can cry enough for the both of us.” Myrtle said walking back into my stall.  

“I can’t do this anymore.” I said through the quiet sobs.  

“Sure, you can. It will be okay. Try and hang on a little longer alright?” She said and I felt something cold on my hand and when I peered I saw she was trying to reach out to me. I couldn’t feel her but she was cold.  

“Are you cold Myrtle?” I asked and she shook her head no.  

“It comes with being dead.” She said with a small smile.  

“I am sorry you are lost a life you didn’t want to lose.” I said trying to stop the cries. 

“Thanks not many listen to me.” She says and walks back through the door. I finally manage to dry my tears enough before I leave the stall. I make my way over to the mirror and look at my red and puffy eyes. I waved my right hand in front of my face, and it hid how red and puffy I looked. It won’t appear like I was crying to anyone which is what is important to me. I manage to slow my breathing back down and grabbed my belongings.  

“Thank you for talking to me Myrtle. It's nice to have your company.” I said and she smiled at me before I made my way out of the bathroom.  

Chapter Text

READERS POV 

“Hey!” I heard the female voice.  

“Hi.” I said letting the happy demeanor change.  

“Why did you run out of the lesson?” She asked me. Her semi-curly hair bouncing around her head.  

“How do you know that I ran out of a lesson?” I asked her.  

“I am Hermione by the way. Sirius Black told his godson Harry and because I am one of his best friends I was with him when they were talking about it. He wanted Harry, Ron and I to try and find you. Apparently, you have made quite the impression.” She said smiling at me. I stopped walking and looked at her.  

“What do you mean?” I asked confused.  

“You were using fifth year spells! Some that even I have not practiced yet. What was it like to kick Draco Malfoys butt?” She asked giggling.  

“It really is not funny. I feel bad. I didn’t realize it was going to be a problem. I didn’t realize we were supposed to only use first year spells. I really did not mean to do that.” I said and I saw her smile fade from her.  

“He is not a kind person. If anything, you should be happy you have done it. Someone needs to knock him down a peg. I sure would like to knock him out.” She said and I rolled my eyes.  

“What do you mean that I made an impression?” I asked once again.  

“Professor Lupin likes that you were able to get that far with just studying the books. He thinks you could be a powerful witch. Sirius Black thinks you did amazingly. Rather he doesn’t have official training with being an instructor, but he is an amazing wizard.” She said her smile reappearing. She is slightly annoying.  

“There you are. Just the person I wanted to see.” I heard Mr. Malfoy’s voice.  

“Bye y/n. It was nice to officially meet you but, that is my sign to leave.” She said scoffing towards him.  

“What a filthy mudblood.” He mumbled under his breath, and I looked at him.  

“I assume that is a term used to offend someone so I would appreciate not doing that in front of me. What is it that I can do for you at the moment?” I asked.  

“Well, the lesson is not over. No one quite understands why you ran off. I am not a fan of you showing that you are slightly better than my son but, now I know where he can improve.” He said a smirking at me.  

“I just needed a break. Didn’t mean to hurt you or your son's ego. According to some it needs taken down a peg or two though.” I said and laughed a little.  

“Really?” He said the smirk still on his face.  

“Yes. Apparently, you two have ego’s the size of this school.” I said and laughed a little.  

“Well, alright then let’s get back to the class and then we can continue with learning.” He said and tried to guide me towards the classroom again.  

“Now, wait just a minute. I don’t know if I can do that anymore. I don’t want to get into trouble. I do not mean to be as far behind as I am. I am trying my best. I am sorry.” I said looking away from him.  

“What do you mean? You are learning first year information getting caught up with the fifth years and you have studied enough to know the spells to defend yourself at a fifth-year level. You are impressing us. Nothing to feel ashamed of.” He said trying to nudge me forward. I gave in and started to move forward to walk in the direction of the classroom again.  

“You found her?” Professor Lupin asked once he came into the line of sight of the two of us.  

“Yes, I am capable of locating the girl.” Mr. Malfoy said and smirked towards Professor Lupin.  

“Alright, come this way y/n. I have a question. What have you learned up to? What classes did you study once you received the books and when did you find the time to study? This is only day two and it seems like you have been here the entire time.” Professor Lupin asked.  

“I have trouble sleeping at night, so I learn mostly when everyone is asleep.” I said.  

“What do you think you need more help on?” He asked another question as the other Professors came into the line-of-sight sighing when they saw the two walking with me.  

“I would love a more hands-on approach with potions. I can’t learn that by just reading. That and I would love to learn more about herbology. I think both are fascinating. Defense against the dark arts kind of scares me. Clearly.” I said and looked towards the books in my hands.  

“Obviously.” I heard Professor Snape comment. I looked towards the dark-haired man noticing his posture was almost perfect.  

“Give the girl a break Snape. This is new for her regardless of if it seems like it.” I heard Sirius Black say to him.  

“Get on with it. What did you need help with that you clearly have not taught yourself?” Professor Snape asked.  

“I need some help with potions. I can’t learn about that from just reading them. That and I would love to know more about herbology.” I said and looked at them and they nodded their head as an act of taking in my response.  

“Very well, then we will let Professor Snape take it from here. He and Lucius can help with the two of those wonderfully.” Sirius said and looked too Professor Lupin who nodded at him and the two of them dismissed themselves. No one fought the dismissal, and I heard Professor Snape scoff.  

“Are you trying to get in my good graces y/n?” He sneered.  

“No, I genuinely think it would be better to get hands on knowledge with potions. If I am wrong, then I do not want to waste your time. Lord knows I have done it enough.” I started to mumble that last part.  

“Yes, you have. I suppose learning a few will not be the end of the world. I will teach you the one that brought some of my students some happiness. It is not often my students are happy with any of their work though.” Professor Snape said but Mr. Malfoy just continued to stare at me with his eyebrows drawn together.  

“What potion would that be?” I asked. He turned away from me and headed into what looked like a closet and came back with some ingredients.  

“Did you study any of the potion's books that were in your room?” Professor Snape asked.  

“I browsed through them a little.” I lied to him. I studied them a lot. I devoured the ones that were loaned to me within the first night's night terrors.  

“What would these ingredients make then?” He asked as he set them down in front of me.  

Rose petals, thorn, ashwinder eggs, peppermint, moonstone, and pearl dust. I assume this is a love potion. If I remember correctly then it should be the Amortentia potion.  

“I don’t know.” I said lying to him once again. I can tell he is already irritated with me. I suppose it can’t get much worse.  

“Do not lie to me.” Professor Snape said leaning over the table peering down at me.  

“I- uh. I think it is the Amortentia Potion. A love potion.” I said looking down towards the table again. 

“Correct. If you know the answer do not lie and say you do not. There is nothing wrong with knowing the answer.” Professor Snape said.  

“Sorry sir.” I said and started to open the potions book on the table to the Amortentia potion that was in it. I started to grab the ingredients following the directions in the book as to how to make the potion. I was adding the last ingredient when I felt Mr. Malfoy behind me. He peered over my shoulder and into the cauldron that I was using.  

“It looks correct. Severus, come look.” He said and Professor Snape appeared before me as if he didn’t step away from in front of me. He peered into the cauldron and a little smirk appeared on his face. Something tells me that does not happen often.  

“For someone who was not allowed to practice magic, you are surprisingly very good at it. Well done.” Professor Snape said. 

“What do you smell?” Mr. Malfoy asked me.  

“It smells like sandalwood, a hint of smoke, fresh linen, and a hint of a forest like smell.” I said noticing the smell seemed familiar. I brought my face away from the pot and walked away from it. In the corner of my eye, I saw Professor Snape take a vile and lower it into the potion collecting some of it.  

“It is different for everyone. The smell that is.” I heard Mr. Malfoy say. I kept my eyes focused on anything but the two of them. Maybe I can start to clean this up. I walked back over to the cauldron and went to lift it, but I felt someone’s hand on mine.  

“I will take care of this. Why don’t you run off to get something to eat and take a break.” Mr. Malfoy said.  

“I don’t mind. I am not hungry.” I said trying to take care of the mess I had made.  

“Go. I was not asking.” He said and I grabbed my books and wand and made my way out and started for the common room first.  

Lucius Malfoy POV:  
“Severus, do you know the scent that she described is rather familiar.” I said looking at him.  

“If you are implying something spit it out. For if you are concerned half of the fifth and sixth years smell that way.” Severus said to me without looking up from the potion she made.  

“What do you smell Severus? Do you still smell Lily Potter’s scent? Her perfume?” I taunted him.  

“Leave me alone Lucius.” He said to me but, I know I have touched a nerve with him.  

“I noticed you looked at her potion with a rather strange look. What did you smell?” He asked me and I narrowed my eyes at him.  

“Are you implying I smelled anything that was not related to my wife?” I asked him finally drawing his attention towards me. His hands now rested on the table, and he leaned forward to match his eyes with mine.  

“Do not taunt me if you do not wish to be taunted as well Lucius. It is inappropriate if either of us admitted what we smelt coming from the potion.” Severus said to me before we were met by Professor Lupin and Sirius Black.  

“Did she make that?” Remus asked and walked over to the cauldron.  

“She did.” I answered him as Severus removed his weight from the table and leaned his body against another.  

“It smells really good.” Remus said and Sirius leaned over and sniffed the potion as well.  

“What do you two smell?” I asked but, I didn’t get an answer. Instead, the two of them exchanged looks.  

“Do you smell her?” I asked and both of their heads snapped to look at me.  

“How did you?” Sirius asked.  

“We can also smell her. How strange. It is supposed to be different for everyone.” I said and locked eyes with Sirius Black.  

“She is an older student at least. It doesn’t make it okay but, it isn’t forbidden for two of us.” Sirius said and I raised an eyebrow to the realization.  

“Now, you two need to remember that she is-.” Remus started to say something but stopped mid-sentence.  

“Remember that she is what?” I asked and smiled.  

“I was going to say underage but, she is not. She is eighteen. She is an adult and can do as she pleases. However, I ask you two not try anything with her.” Remus said.  

“I am a married man Remus. I wouldn’t do that to-“I said but, was interrupted by a hand on my shoulder.  

“What do we have here?” I heard Cissy’s voice.  

“What are you doing here?” I asked her.  

“I wanted to see how my new friend was doing here. Did you get a chance to talk to her about what I saw. About what you saw?” Cissy asked me and I peered to the group of men that we were with.  

“Now isn’t a good time.” I said now trying to look through her as if she was not there. I feel a little guilty that I didn’t smell her even a little in the potion.  

“The potion smells delightful. It kind of has a small hint of lavender and peony to it.” Cissy said and I looked to her.  

“It even smells like a rose oil. It is truly a beautiful smell.” She added and my eyes widened at her, and I felt my face heat up.  

“Cissy.” I said and grabbed onto her arm.  

“This is the Amortentia potion, isn’t it?” She asked and looked to me. I nodded and her eyes widened a little at the realization.  

“Is that what that smell is?” Remus looked into the potion again.  

“You smell her?” Cissy asked and I looked at him but, he did not look at me in order to get the message I was trying to convey to him.  

“We all do Narcissa.” He said and she looked at me again.  

“Do you?” She asked her eyes meeting mine. I don’t see hurt in her eyes though. I hold onto her arm tighter and I apparate us back home. It is better to discuss this without prying eyes.  

“I do. What is the about Cissy? Why are you smelling her?” I asked her but, it seems silly. I think I know why she is smelling her.  

“Lucius, can I ask you something?” She looked at me and I released her arm and looked too her and nodded.  

“What if, what if she smelt us? Can I? Can we?” She asked a smile appearing on her face.  

“Are you asking to share her?” I asked feeling as though I am being tricked. I can only imagine what that would be like. I am a little confused though. I didn’t know that Cissy was into other women. Had I known she could have been doing this sooner. I would have rather her express this with me sooner that way we could have experienced this with one another.  

“Would it be alright? That is, if she was interested in us? Or rather either of us?” Cissy asked and once again I am taken back by her words.  

“What do you mean either of us?” I pressed a little further.  

“If she wants just, you then you are welcome to enjoy her, I just want to hear about it. If she wants just me, I want to experience it and then maybe we can enjoy her together.” She said and I felt my face heat up slightly.  

“I suppose that can be alright. As long as no one gets hurt. I don’t want that for either of us.” I said and she leaned into me and gave me a hug. It is a strange occurrence to have my wife tell me she would like to be intimate with another person. Especially another woman. I have no complaints.  

“Please invite her to dinner tonight.” She said to me, and I felt my chest tighten.  

“We don’t want to come off strong Cissy. Give her some time to adjust.” I whispered my lips pressing to the top of her head giving her a gentle kiss.  

“I am excited Lucius. I like her.” She whispered and I gave her another soft kiss to the top of her forehead hugging her tighter.  

“Me too darling.” I said.  

Remus Lupin POV:  
“What are we going to do Sirius? I am her professor; you cannot do this. It would be wildly inappropriate for any of us to act upon this.” I said before looking to him. He looks like he is lost in a daze and not paying me any attention.  

“Sirius, did you listen to a word I said?” I asked him.  

“I wonder what she would smell like in the morning. When she just wakes up? How she would smell after being intimate.” Sirius said and I felt my face droop into a frown. I would like to know myself but, these are the thoughts I cannot act upon. The one’s none of us should act upon. At least I know Severus will not act upon the feelings or desire. He hardly desires anyone. If he does, he waits until their last breath to say anything.  

“I think it is best you stay in my quarters with me until we can get past the desire that comes with her.” I said and he looked at me.  

“What if I just tried? Just to see if she fancy’s any of us?” Sirius said and I want to go and smack him around until the feeling is gone but, it also might not hurt. What if she is desiring one of us? 

“Alright but, you must be as subtle as you can possibly be.” I said looking at him. I saw his grin widen and I wonder if I am making a mistake to trust him. I shouldn’t feel this way about my best friend but, I haven’t seen him care about anyone.  

“Well, then I am off to see everyone’s favorite student.” Sirius said and the regret to trust him worsened.  

Chapter Text

Sirius Black POV:  

It wasn’t long before I made my way out of the room and into the great hall. The feast in front of everyone looked delightful but, my mind was on y/n. I looked all throughout the Slytherin table but, I didn’t see her. Where is she?  

“Are you looking for y/n?” Harry brought me out of my thoughts.  

“Yes, do you know where she might have gone?” I asked him.  

“Hermione saw her go into moaning Mertle’s bathroom.” He said and I laughed a little. Is she finding comfort in that girl? What could the two of them have in common? 

“Thank you. I would like to talk to you later.” I said to him, and he smiled and walked away. I turned around and bumped into Remus as I walked out of the great hall.  

“Where are you off to?” Remus asked.  

“I am going to find the girl.” I said and smiled and walked away from him. I felt an extra bounce in my step walking away from him. I made it to the bathroom in time and saw a random Hufflepuff girl and brought her aside.  

“Do you mind going in there and asking y/n to come out?” I asked the girl, and she nodded. She looked terrified but, within just moments of her going in she ran out screaming. Mertle must be at her tactics again.  

“Come quick she needs help.” I heard the whining voice say before the door closed and I stepped into the girl's washroom. I looked around but, did not see her. Where is she?  

“Back here. I think she went too deep.” The whining voice said, and I followed her to the farthest stall and that when I caught the glimpse of the blood on the floor and y/n in the middle of it. Her arm was completely marked from top to bottom with a long cut. What was she thinking? I hooked my arms under her and lifted her up. I carried her out of the bathroom and into the hall and that is when Remus bumped into me almost causing me to drop her.  

“What the hell happened?” He asked. Not too far behind him Severus came into view and so did Professor McGonagall.  

“Gentlemen what happened here?” She asked and then when she saw who was in my arms she gasped lightly.  

“Oh deary. What has happened here?” She asked. The Hufflepuff girl came into view and then the three students came into view and Granger put her head on Weasleys shoulder. Harry just stared at her with his mouth open.  

“I found her like that. He wanted me to ask her into the hallway to talk. I went in and Mertle was sobbing. I was going to run away when I saw her but, Mertle yelled at me to get help.” The Hufflepuff said.  

“Mertle was at the door and told me she needed help. I went in and found her in a pool of her own blood. I don’t understand what happened or why she felt the need to do it but, you can tell this is not the first time she has done this.” I said. She has markings everywhere. 

“Get her to the infirmary now. She needs to get help immediately.” McGonagall said. I felt someone grab onto her and pull her out of my arms. It was Severus and within a blink of an eye the two were gone.  

I want to yell at him for doing that but, I can only imagine why he is did that. Well then two can play the game. I snapped my fingers and I apparated to the infirmary. I was just moments behind his arrival because he was informing the nurse of what had happened, and the woman cooed towards her. Surely it is best she isn’t awake to see that. It would be degrading or even possibly a way to mock or taunt the girl. Even if that wasn’t what she was trying to do.  

“Severus have you noticed the marks in the past?” Madam Pomfrey asked him, and he shook his head no.  

“My wife and I noticed them the other day but, we didn’t want to confront her about it in case it upset her further.” I heard Lucius say and I felt my face heat up. I am beyond frustrated that he wouldn’t tell the rest of us what the two have discovered.  

“So, you believe she did this to herself?” Remus said and I looked to him and stood by his side.  

“I do. Poor thing is going through a lot of changes. I hate to say it but a couple of us expected it. Has she mentioned anything to anyone about her home life?” Madam Pomfrey and everyone shook their head no. That was until Albus came into the room.  

“Give her some privacy. I would like to speak with her when she wakes up. Privately that is.” Albus Dumbledore said, and we made our way out of the infirmary.  

“How could you not mention this to anyone?” I asked Lucius.  

“I did. I told you all to keep an eye out. It is not my fault that you cannot remember a simple conversation between us.” Lucius said and I felt myself want to lunge forward to smack him around, but I stopped myself. I felt Remus’s hand grab me and it further calmed me down.  

“I have been rather distracted by some things.” I said and looked at him with anger in my eyes. I have focused on her since she got here. However, I have had my attention directed towards Harry and his friends as well. I can understand as to why I have not remembered this detail of the conversation we had.  

“She needs to be watched. Not by Pomfrey. She needs to be able to aid the other kids when or if they get hurt.” I said and looked to the others.  

“Are you suggesting that Pomfrey can’t handle the students when there are more than one in here?” Lucius asked.  

“I am saying this requires a lot more attention than she can give if there are other injured kids in here.” I said snapping a little at him. He is sure pretending like he does not like this idea.  

“Narcissa and I will take her in and keep an eye on her the next few days. We have nothing to do at the moment. That way she can still learn as well. Everyone can just meet at my place to assist her as well.” Lucius said and I felt odd at how he was quick to offer without asking his wife first. It is a little alarming but, I also understand that Narcissa had smelled y/n’s scent with the amortentia potion. It is probably in the best interest she stays where not only do everyone have access to her in order to help her but, somewhere she can feel safe. It would need to be somewhere even the headmaster knows and has access to.  

“Everyone knows of my family's place. The place I grew up. I think it is best she stays there.” I said. 

“That is a good idea. The house elves can assist in watching her when we cannot be there.” Remus added and smiled towards me.  

“You two need to keep your minds off of her and stay away unless she needs something.” Lucius said and it prompted me to smile.  

“I suppose you want me to just believe that you and you wife were just going to keep your hands to yourself?” I asked stepping a little closer to him.  

“I can give my word that whatever happened under my roof would have happened only because it was asked of us. I can’t say you would do the same.” Lucius said to me.  

“Where is Severus?” Remus asked. This prompted us to turn to where he was once standing and the lot of us grunted and turned to face the infirmary. He wouldn’t dare do what we were all suggesting would he? 

SEVERUS SNAPES POV: 

“Alright, Madam Pomfrey agreed she would much rather have a little aid in watching over you to make sure you are not going to harm yourself again, so I am going to take you over to my chambers. I don’t leave my room much when I have some days off. Lucky for you I have the next three off. If you need anything just holler.” I said to y/n. I don’t like to admit that I smelt her scent when I stood in front of the amortentia potion. It is hard to admit that I am starting to move on from Lily. She was the only person I have ever loved. I truly loved her with all of my heart. There was nothing I wouldn’t do for her. I didn’t realize that I could feel that way for anyone else. Especially not for someone so battered and bruised by her own self. Maybe I can ask her about herself. Get to know why she does this to herself. Perhaps I can convince her to want to live.  

“Might I ask a question?” She asked. I nodded and she looked toward her arm with the fresh mark on her.  

“Is it okay that I am here? Do other people know I am here and why I am here?” She asked. 

“Yes, it is fine. The headmaster knows that you are here. That’s all that matters. If you are up for it, I am more than happy to teach you more potions while you are here that way you do not have to feel like you are behind before you get started.” I offered and looked at her. 

“Can I ask?” I said and looked to her arm again before attempting to look her in the eyes. She never is able to meet my gaze. She shrugged a little, so I went forward with my question.  

“Why did you feel the need to hurt yourself?” I asked. I know this is a rather bold question but, it is obvious she is the one that hurt herself. She can’t hide that detail.  

“I can’t” She mumbled. I want to tell her to speak up but, I don’t for the fear that she won’t be able to tell me at some point.  

“Might I tell you something?” I asked and she nodded.  

“When I was younger, I had a lot of reasons to keep to myself. I didn’t have many friends.” I sat on the bed near her and she pulled her legs into herself. I didn’t reach out to her and kept my hands to myself. I do want to reach out to show her that it is okay to loosen up but she hardly knows any of us.  

“I didn’t have many friends. I had one. I had a few people who liked to bully me and my parents well, they were kind when they wanted to be. I had reasons as to why I hated life but, other things that made me want to live. I am only telling you this because I think it is important for you to find a reason to want to live.” I said. I went to stand up, but I felt something brush against my arm and when I looked down her fingers lightly grazed it.  

“Yes?” I asked. This might be easier to get information than I thought.  

“Can I trouble you for something to drink?” She asked. Well, that is not what I expected. I was hoping for something that was a bit more forthcoming. I suppose I was wrong but, that does not happen often. I stood up and walked out of the second sleeping chambers. I need her to open up to me. Just a little. If I can figure out what is making her this upset then maybe she wouldn’t be part of what I want.  

I made my way over to the sink and grabbed the glass cup off it and filled it with some water before returning to the room. It was now occupied with the rest of the idiots.  

“What the hell do you think you are doing?” Lucius asked me.  

“I am doing what is necessary to keep her safe. I think it is best you all leave so she can get some rest.” I said.  

“You think she is going to be able to rest here?” Lucius snapped at me.  

“Dumbledore already approved of this. You need to leave. She is tired.” I said and he scoffed before apparating out of my room. Finally, I will get a moment alone with her in order to figure out why she thinks it is okay to do this to herself. It is clearly not but, it seems as though this is not the first time, she has done this. There are marks on her arms that I can barely see but, she needs help. I had the water still in my hand and walked over the the second room.  

“Here.” I said and handed her the cup of water.  

“Thank you.” She said and grabbed the water from me. Her fingers lightly grazed against mine and it felt like something electrocuted me. It was an invigorating feeling. I don’t think anything has felt like that. Not even Lily’s touch felt like that to me. How strange that a complete stranger has caused me to feel like everything was lit on fire by a simple touch. I hadn’t moved or attempted to move. I just stood there looking at my hand that her fingers grazed, and my cheeks were slightly heating up.  

“I am just not ready to talk about my struggles yet. Everyone knows part of it but no one will ever see the full picture. I am just not ready yet.” She said as her eyes fell to her hands and then she laid on her back and pulled her legs into her. She is damaged. I can’t help her if she does not want to be helped.  

“If you ever feel like you need someone to talk to Professor McGon- I mean I am more than able to be here for you.” I said. I am not used to letting people lean on me. I don’t know how to let people in, but she needs someone. She didn’t say anything but, I could hear her sniffling. She is crying. I am rather uncomfortable so I am just going to walk out of the room and go to my room. I imagine I can get lost in a good book to get away from the emotions that are stirring up inside of me at the memory of Lily.  

I stepped into my room and on the bedside table I saw the book I knew I wanted to read but it was difficult. It was a book about love and death. Something I was all too familiar with. It was her favorite. It was something she constantly had in her hand. I meant to hand that off to Potter. It’s too personal to me though. She gave it to me before she passed away and just looking at it makes sadness thicken in my head and heart. I picked it off the bedside table and sat on the bed. I rested my back against the headrest and opened the book to the first page. It must have been a couple of hours when I managed to finish the book and the stream of tears that was fighting to roll down my cheeks was interrupted by the screams of the girl across the hall in the other room. What the hell is happening in there? I threw the book off the bed as I made my way into her room. She was still asleep but the tears on her face showed that something was upsetting her. It was only another moment before she started to scream again. Her hands went up to her hair and started to pull at it.  

“It’s going to be okay.” I said realizing that I ended up behind her pulling her hands off her head and away from her hair. I don’t remember getting on the bed with her. This is inappropriate. She can’t hurt herself though. That would prove the rest of the weasels right. That I am unable to help. That I can’t help her. That I was unable to keep her from hurting herself. That is not going to happen.  

“Hey, shoo shoo shoo. It will be alright. Wake up. It will be alright. Everything is going to be alright.” I repeated to her whispering it into her ear. I managed to get her hands away from her head and I wrapped my arms around her body. I felt her body shake as the sobs broke lose.  

“I can’t take it anymore.” She cried out. The pain in her voice was hard to hear. I stayed quiet as she started to say more things.  

“I can’t do this anymore. I don’t mean to be a disappointment. I didn’t mean for any of this. Please, I am sorry. Don’t do it again. Please, I promise. I promise-” Her voice started to become more of a whisper.  

“It is going to be okay.” I whispered to her again.  

“It’s not.” She whispered bringing her hands to her face and she started to wipe her tears away.  

“Why do you say that?” I probed trying to figure out what was upsetting her.  

“They never wanted me. They never loved me. My mom she-” She stopped talking to let out another silent sob. Her body shaking once again.  

“She started to find ways to try and take the magic away. It hurt. It still hurts. The memory of it.” She started to quiet down. I hugged onto her tighter.  

“What did she do?” I asked. I must have found a way into the guard she built up.  

“She started to cut. She cut me more than I cut myself. She never cut to kill. She told me she just wanted to find where the magic was so she could make me normal.” She said silently and I felt the tightness run into my chest. How could a mother do that to her own child?  

“It makes it easier to do it to myself. The only difference is that I want to die. My veins keep getting deeper or hide. I managed to nick one finally but, then I woke up in the infirmary. Why can’t I die?” She asked.  

“You shouldn’t want to die. You much like the rest of us are born with the abilities to help yourself and others.” I said to her. 

“But I do. I just want my family to be happy.” She said and I felt a part of my heart break for the girl.  

“If they did not love who you were born to be then they were never meant to be your family. Blood does not always mean family. You can build your own family through friends.” I said. Her sobs were almost completely stopped when I felt her shift against me. Her head turned and she nuzzled her face into my chest. My cheeks began to heat up again. What have I gotten myself into? Her hair smells like Lavendar. She smells like flowers. It is weird that she smells so wonderful. What else am I smelling? I can’t put my finger on the scent.  

“I am sorry for waking you or disturbing you.” She mumbled against my chest before I felt her arms snake around my waist. Alright I believe I need to get away from her as soon as possible. Things are starting to happen that should not be happening.   

“It is alright it is my job to be here for you.” I said. She pulled away from me within a moment of saying that.  Did I say something wrong?  

“Right well thank you Professor Snape. I think I just need to get some more sleep.” She said before laying back on the bed facing away from me. It was as if she had just dismissed me. I don’t think I like being shut out by her. Was it wrong to tell her that it was my job? It is my job. That should not upset the girl.  

“Goodnight.” I said and walked out. I closed the door to the room and walked across the hall into mine. I moved the book from my bed and back onto my bedside table. I think I need to shower and go to sleep myself. Those words are going to haunt my night, aren’t they? 

Chapter Text

Chapter 8  

READERS POV 

It’s just his job. He will never care for me. I won't do that to him. I am always just going to be the burden that drags people down. What is the point to any of this? Why did they have to find me? Why did Myrtle go and find someone? Why couldn’t she just let me go? Why couldn’t she just not interfere? Now I am here making someone care for me on their free days off. I am just a burden anywhere I go.  

I heard some movement coming from the other room and it sounded like the downfall of water. Right. Professor Snape is probably cleaning himself. He probably wants to go to bed. I want to fall back asleep but what my family has done to me is at the forefront of my mind. I can’t do that to myself. It will just cause the night terrors to come back again. When did Professor Snape come back in? He was hugging onto me. I might have already had a night terror. I guess I should have asked him but, he was, well he was trying to ask about me. He was using my moment of weakness to try and find out about me. That sneaky bastard. I can’t say I blame him but...  

I got pulled out of my thoughts when I head a knock on the door and I moved to open it and I saw Sirius Black and Professor Lupin standing there.  

“Uh, hello?” I said looking at the two of them.  

“Hello y/n” Professor Lupin Said.  

“We were wanting to know if you would like to get some fresh air and walk around with us for a little bit?” Sirius Black asked and I nodded.  

“Yes please.” I said and closed the door behind me.  

“Should I tell Professor Snape?” I asked.  

“We will take care of that. Come on. Let’s get you some fresh air.” Sirius Black said and offered his arm to walk alongside and I hesitantly looped my arm in his.  
“Are you alright? You look like you are uncomfortable and upset.” Professor Lupin asked me.  

“Just a bad dream.” I said downplaying what had happened.  

“Do you want to talk about it?” Professor Lupin asked and I shook my head no.  
“You know if you are going through something it is better to lean on someone. If you are having a bad dream it’s normally something we are struggling with internally.” Professor Lupin said looking at me and I knew what the two were getting at.  

“I’m not ready to talk about it. I don’t think I will ever really be ready to talk about it.” I admitted quietly.  

“Is it something we can help with?” Sirius Black asked, and I shook my head no.  

“I don’t believe so. Not really.” I said hesitantly.  

“When you are ready to talk about it” Professor Lupin paused and looked at me for a moment. “We are here for you” Professor Lupin said as we continued to walk around before they started to walk me back to Professor Snape’s Chambers.  

“Are you comfortable here with Professor Snape?” Sirius Black asked, and I nodded feeling a bit confused.  

“Yes, I am comfortable. Why?” I asked slightly concerned with the question.  

“Nothing we are just trying to make sure that you are alright. We want you to be comfortable.” Sirius Black said, and I nodded as we stepped in front of Professor Snape’s private chambers, and they walked me into it and walked me to the door of the room I was staying in under his supervision.  

“Where the hell were you? I was looking everywhere for you y/n! Oh that’s just grand! Next time you two want to take y/n for a stroll, tell me! You all had me worried senseless!” Professor Snape yell and I mumbled a quick apology before slipping into the room. I laid on the bed inside the room and silently promised myself that I wouldn’t leave the room unless I was forced to. I don’t want to be a problem for anyone at all. It wasn’t too long after I laid down that I managed to fall asleep.  

SEVERUS SNAPES POV 

“What were you two thinking? You could have told me. I went looking for her! I didn't know if something had happened to her!” I yelled at Lupin and Sirius.  

“Severus, she needed to breathe. A breath of fresh air did her well and you know that. What happened? Why did she look like she had been crying?” Professor Lupin asked.  

“She had a night terror. She woke up yelling and screaming, begging for something to stop she even looked terrified.” I said and both Sirius and Remus looked as troubled as I felt.  

“Did she say what happened in her dreams?” Sirius asked.  

“No, she closed off. I might have said something wrong because she closed off quickly and shut me out” I said.  

“What did you say?” Professor Lupin asked.  

“I said it was my job to be here for her.” I said. Sirius scoffed.  

“Idiot.” Sirius said and I scowled.  

“I was just saying I wanted to be there for her and that it was my job to be.” I defended myself.  

“Whereas, yes that is the truth. She doesn’t need it to be your job to do it. She needs a confidante and its not likely she will find one in all of us if at all any of us if she thinks it’s out of obligation.” Remus said and I rolled my eyes knowing he was right.  

“Well, I can’t undo what was said but, if we want anyone to be able to get through to her maybe we should ask for Narcissa’s help. She did say they got along.” I said.  

“I don’t like the thought of including Lucius and Narcissa but, if we must then we will.” Sirius said and I watched as the two sent off for them.”  

NARCISSA MALFOYS POV 

I heard a knock at the manor door as Lucius and I were starting to get rather distracted with one another and then another knock followed, this time on our bedroom door.  

“Sir Malfoy and Madam Malfoy, Remus Lupin and Sirius Black are asking to speak to you on an urgent matter” Our house elf Dobby said through the door.  

“They can wait until we are done.” Lucius called out.  

“No, we can't. It’s about y/n.” Sirius Black called out and I looked to Lucius and got off his lap. I pulled my robe on and moved out worried about our new friend.  

“What's going on?” I asked. I heard Lucius groan in frustration, but I didn't care. We can finish later.  

“She woke up with night terrors and Snape said she was begging for something to stop, but he said some unwise words and she shut down before telling him anything.” Remus Lupin said.  

“What unwise words?” I asked as Lucius joined my side.  

“He said that he was there for her, but it was because it was his job to be.” Sirius Black said. I felt a small understanding at his poor choice of words. He has never been good at being there for people, but at least he was trying.  

“Oh, he didn't mean it how it came out. He doesn't know how to be there for people. Not really, at least. At least he was trying.” I said trying to defend Severus.  

“Cissy, his words could be affecting her internally. More than you think. She's already hurting clearly. What is it you two need from us?” Lucius asked Sirius and Remus.  

“We remembered Narcissa said y/n and her got along. We were thinking maybe you could spend some time with her. Try and get to know her, get her to open up in some way.” Remus said looking at me.  

“I would love to do that. I can go first thing in the morning. Perhaps she might want to stay here” I said looking at Sirius, Remus and Lucius.  

“If she wants that then we think that would be a good idea. She needs to feel comfortable enough to open up to you. We really are starting to have a bad feeling that something terrible has happened to her and we need to know how to help her." Remus said and I nodded.  

“Yes well, I will do what I can, I will be there first thing in the morning to get her. I will take her out for the day.” I said and they nodded and left the manor.  

“Now we were in the middle of something.” Lucius said. I gave him a small smile.  

“Sorry darling, I can't. I'm now a bit worried about her and I can't get the worry out of my head and that is not fair to you.” I said looking at Lucius and he started to pout.  

“But Cissy put her on the back of your mind for now. We were just getting to the good part.” Lucius said and moved closer to me. I smiled at his attempt to get me all riled up again.  

“This isn't fair to you. I hope you know she's starting to be at the forefront of my mind. I get to spend all day with her tomorrow, and you know that we all smelled her in the potion.” I started to say, but Lucius started to kiss my neck and small satisfied hum came out of my mouth.  

“Lucius I'm serious. I know you said it was fine but I'm worried about her. She needs me to be there for her and this, you kissing me while she is in my mind, that is not helping.” I said as he places on my collarbone, nipping at the skin.  

“Narcissa-Cissy. Worry about it tomorrow love. Let me take care of your needs tonight. Think about her if you need to but you haven't needed to think about anyone else before.” Lucius said as he continued to work over me.  

Chapter Text

Readers POV

I heard a light knock on the door that pulled me out of my sleep. When I opened my eyes I looked around the room and the more I take in the surroundings I was realizing that none of this was a dream. I was in the second room inside of Professor Snape’s chambers. I was someone’s job because I survived taking my life once again. Myrtle had found someone in time to save me and now I was stuck here. In a room where I can’t do anything to myself because no one will leave me alone long enough to even try. I heard the knock again and I moved off the bed slowly and to the door. I don’t think I could manage being in his company right now.

“Y/N, it’s me Narcissa.” I heard her voice through the door and I felt myself get a little confused as to why she was here. I opened the door and came face to face with Narcissa and my god does she always have to look like that? The beauty? The hair honestly is helping greatly. It frames her in such a stunning way. The white that frames her face. The black contrasts to her pale features. Just stunning.

“Hello.” I said taking in her features slowly.

“Perhaps you would like to get out for the day. Give yourself a break from school before you are to start proper lessons?” Narcissa asked and I lightly nodded my head.

“Okay. Yeah, I think I would like that.” I said and looked at her. Something about her is luring. Her eyes are beautiful too. Does she have any flaws? I don’t see any but, that doesn’t mean she doesn’t have any somewhere.

“Why don’t we go to the shops. We can busy our time and then perhaps you will let me treat you to some lunch.” Narcissa said and I nodded again.

“I would like that.” I said and followed her out of the room to be greeted by Professor Snape.

“Have a good day miss y/n.” Professor Snape said, and I felt my head slightly nod.

“You as well sir.” I mumbled as Narcissa guided me out of the room and walked me out of Hogwarts. Thankfully she isn’t trying to apparate us. It seems like she would rather be on foot, which I appreciate because apparating makes me feel rather sick.

“How are you liking it here?” Narcissa asked.

“It’s all so new. I can’t quite grasp that this isn’t a dream yet. I-“ I felt myself having to stop thinking I was starting to talk to much.

“Go on. It’s alright. I want to listen.” Narcissa encouraged me and I took in a shaky breathe.

“I am just not used to seeing people use magic or rather how frequently it is being used. It’s all new to me. I didn’t realize it was okay to use magic.” I mumbled a little, becoming shy once again.

“We encourage the use of magic here as long as it is controlled and not out of malice. There are still people who take advantage of it. Use it for power and a lot of people follow someone because of how they choose to use their magic.” Narcissa said with a slight smile.

“And that person, you said they use it for the purpose of power? People just willingly follow someone for that reason?” I asked a little confused.

“Yes. The person has used their magic as a way to gain power and control. Here we call him Voldemort and that’s if you dare to speak his name. His followers call him their dark lord. He has many names but, he does not use his magic for good.” Narcissa said and I took in her words carefully.

“There is a way to use magic negatively?” I asked. I know I sound a bit naïve but, I don’t understand why someone would want to use their magic in a negative way.

“Yes. Where there is good in magic there is also bad. You can’t have one without the other.” Narcissa said and I nodded.

“I guess that would make it a balancing act, wouldn’t it?” I said rhetorically.

“Exactly but, that being said it also plays into a part in how people live their lives. If they are good people, then it causes you to wonder what bad they have been through. Has this person been hurt? Wounded? Scarred? Tortured? Belittled? It makes you look at people differently.” Narcissa said and I nodded a bit realizing that she was trying to make a point and I started to wonder what this day was really about as we continued to walk to HogsMeade.

“Do you always question what a person has gone through? Or is this a new thing? What about the one’s who are rude and spiteful when you look at them?” I asked her trying to keep the conversation going and redirect it to avoid any questions about myself.

“The one’s who are spiteful and rude also have gone through something terrible but, they have coped with it and decided to repeat their cycle. They may be hurting but they are okay with themselves hurting and then hurting others. They are wounded but they like the feeling. I constantly look at others and wonder what their stories might be. It is not a new thing but, I do wonder what a beautiful girl like you has been through when you are not only nice but, incredibly shy. I know that you weren’t allowed to practice magic. I just want to understand why and how you never sought out others like you.” Narcissa said and I felt myself come to a stop just outside of HogsMeade trying to find the stability and strength to keep walking towards the town. After a moment of fighting back the tears I managed to right myself and started to walk with her again.

“I- I am not ready to talk about it. I don’t want to trouble anyone. I’m sorry.” I mumbled to her, and I saw the sadness in her eyes.

“I want to be here for you y/n. Please let me be the friend you need. I want to be here for you and help if I can. No one else will ever know I promise.” Narcissa said and I felt myself longing to trust someone and to just let it all out. I looked at her and felt myself breaking a little. The guard I have built to protect myself was quickly folding.

“I don’t want to burden you like I have my family.” I mumbled and looked towards the ground fighting the tears that were threatening to spill from me once again.

“You are not a burden to me y/n. Please lean on me. I know you hardly know me but that can change. Let me be there for you. I won’t say anything to anyone.” Narcissa said and I felt her fingers brush under my jawline and moved my face to look at her.

“Let me in y/n. Let me help please.” Narcissa said and I felt a few tears roll down my cheeks and I felt her fingers brush them away.

“I” I started but, felt some sobs threatening to come out. I took a deep breath. “I don’t want to do this here. Not where people can see me breaking.” I whispered to her and she hugged onto me and I felt my stomach begin to flip as she held onto me tightly and apparated us to what I believe is her home.

“Then tell me here. You are safe here. You can let yourself break here. It’s just us. I will be here to help you.” Narcissa encouraged and I looked at her face and slowly nodded.

“I don’t know how to trust people. I don’t know who I can trust. I have grown up a burden on everyone. My mom and dad. They-“ I stopped to take a deep breath to try and keep myself from breaking down. “They hated me. I was their burden. My sisters. They hated me. I ruined their friendships because my parents didn’t let them come over because they wanted everyone to forget about my existence. I said as the tears started to fall. I felt Narcissa start to rub my back.

“You are not a burden here y/n. You will never be a burden here.” Narcissa said trying to console me.

“It’s hard to believe I am not. It’s all I grew up being. I don’t know how to feel any other way. I was unwanted. I was unloved. I wasn’t allowed to make friends. I was not allowed around my siblings after so long because they wanted to encourage the magic but, then my parents. They separated us and started telling them I was bad. That it was an act of hate. That I would be damned and to not talk to me because it was only going to cause them trouble and to not be loved by God. They were quick to leave me behind. They didn’t care about me all of a sudden. Eventually they all forgot me.” I said leaving out the brutal parts of what had happened to me. No one ever needs to be burdened with my story. They don’t need to know what all happened. They will never find out. They should never find out. I will take that to my grave to keep that to myself.

“You don’t have to worry about them here. You will be loved and cared for here. You are not a burden here y/n. I promise you are not.” Narcissa said and I rested my head on her shoulder as she held onto me and some tears fell because I knew better than to just open up to someone, I just met but, I needed to let some of it out. I needed someone to know this is part of the reason I was hurting. I needed to feel a little release as to why I was unable to deal with being here.

“I may not have to worry about them here but, I have to worry about being a failure here. I don’t want to be someone who is just a waste of everyone’s time and effort. The four of them. They are already having to spend their extra time teaching me. It’s why I haven’t really slept. I didn’t want to take up anymore of their time. I wanted them to be rid of the burden of me. I don’t want to fail anyone else.” I admitted quietly and her grip onto me tightened.

“You are not a burden. You are not going to fail anyone. Its going to be okay y/n. We are here for you. I know you have impressed the four of them with how quickly you have caught up with the others but, you need to still rest.” Narcissa said and started to slowly stroke my hair and I closed my eyes for a moment. Is this what it’s like to be cared for by someone?

“I don’t want to be failure to people here too.” I admitted quietly and she pushed me off and caressed my face in her hands and looked at me.

“You are not going to be a failure to anyone here. Even the slowest learners here are still loved and cared for by someone. You will not be a failure to anyone here.” She looked over my face and wiped a few stray tears. “Please tell me this is not why you tried to take your life.” Narcissa said and I looked at her with my saddened eyes.

“It’s too hard to be a burden.” I said quietly and she looked at me with her eyes growing sadder. “Please, don’t be sad.” I said to her, and she shook her head.

“You are broken dear. They broke your spirit, and I know you will find it alright? We will be sure of it.” Narcissa said and I saw her eyes roaming over my face. I felt myself flush a little as she looked me over. What is she thinking right now? Is this pity? What is she thinking? I felt her hands rake through my hair before she pulled me in for another hug.

“I don’t want to be broken. I don’t want to be a burden.” I whispered into her shoulder as she hugged me. I felt her stroking my hair again.

“You are not a burden here. Far from it.” She tried to reassure me and I hugged onto her tighter. I don’t know what it is about her but she is making me feel a bit more comfortable. I felt her lips press against my temple and I felt myself blush a little but, I didn’t say anything.

“You are safe here y/n. Lucius and I will protect you. All of us will.” She said trying to find another way to comfort me but, I was starting to feel something else stir inside me and I felt the urge to pull away. I have longed to feel wanted and right now I am feeling like I am. This terrifies me more than being a burden does.

“Narcissa.” I whispered, trying to pull away and her grip tightened.

“What is it?” She asked me as she ran her hand over my back lightly.

“I need you to let me go. I- I don’t know if this…this was a good idea.” I mumbled against her skin.

“It was a good idea y/n. Letting someone in is always a good idea.” She whispered to me, and I felt her pull my hair to the opposite side of where her head was resting on my shoulder. Her breath hit my neck and I felt myself grow a bit flustered by the sudden sensation on my neck.

“I” I paused as she held me tighter and buried her head into my neck and closed her eyes trying to comfort me and I felt another part of me wake up at the unfamiliar touch.

“It’s okay. I am right here.” She said and I felt my hands grip her tighter.

“That’s” My breathe hitched a little. “That’s the problem right now. It feels.” I paused for a moment. “Different.” I whispered as a blush rested on my cheek and I felt her lips twitch into a smile as she rested on me.

“It’s okay.” She whispered against my skin, and I felt her right hand rest on the left side of my neck as she pulled herself closer to the right side of it and placed the faintest kiss on it and my blush deepened.

“What are you doing?” I whispered.

“Showing you that you are wanting.” She whispered placing another small kiss to my neck and my eyes closed slightly as a need started to stir.

“Is this- Is this how you show people they are wanted?” I whispered, feeling my breathe becoming shaky.

“It’s how I show it.” Narcissa said placing another kiss on my neck and my grip got tighter on her.

“Narcissa. You” I stuttered a little. “You have no idea what this is doing to me.” I admitted above a whisper.

“Let me show you that you are wanted y/n.” Narcissa said pulling my sleeve slowly and exposing my shoulder a little bit and placed a kiss to it. I didn’t make any move to stop her. I didn’t hide that this was becoming something that I wanted. I was starting to feel the heat building up inside me. Her right hand fell from the left side of her neck and gently slide down the front of my chest causing a small patch of goosebumps to rise on my skin.

“Narcissa, what are you doing home?” I heard Lucius voice and I shied away and started to pull away from Narcissa who gripped onto me and pulled me back into her.

“Don’t move y/n. It’s okay.” She whispered into my neck, and I looked like a deer in headlights at her words as Lucius stared at me.

“What- I don’t- I’m sorry. Maybe I should go?” I asked quickly and Lucius shook his head and Narcissa gripped onto me.

“No, that’s alright. She can do what she wants. I just wasn’t expecting you two to be here is all.” Lucius said and I was getting more flustered by the minute.

“I don’t- I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to.” I said. My words came out rushed as I finally managed to get out of Narcissa’s grasp and pulled away.

“It’s alright. Calm down. It is okay.” Lucius tried to assure me but, I felt awful and like I had don’t something wrong.

“How do I get back to Hogwarts?” I asked hesitantly and Narcissa’s eyes dropped a little at my question and I started to feel guilty for wanting to leave but, I also felt like I was in an uncomfortable situation.

“I can take you if that is really what you want but, I assure you there is nothing wrong with what was happening.” Lucius said and I nodded.

“Please take me back.” I whispered giving Narcissa and apologetic look. Lucius held his arm out and I held onto it and he apparated us back into Professor Snape’s chamber and I quickly went and hid myself away in the room he was letting me stay in. I didn’t realize that I had walked past Professor Snape who approached Lucius right away. I laid on the bed unsure of the way I was feeling. I liked how it felt when she was kissing my neck and shoulder. She was making it feel like it was alright to be touched like that. I actually believed I was wanted for a moment. I can’t let myself get that close again. I can’t do that to myself. What is happening to me? I haven’t been here that long. It doesn’t feel like I have been here that long. I have to hide everything. I have to figure out how to hide what is under my clothes. I can’t risk that. I can’t risk having to explain everything.

Chapter Text

Chapter Ten:

Readers POV

“What happened? Why does she look even more distraught then when she left?” I heard Professor Snape ask. Oh god. Not only is this awkward and I already feel awful, it’s clear as day that something happened. I don’t know why I thought any of this was a good idea. Oh, I know why. I didn’t have anywhere to go. That’s why.

“Nothing important Severus. She is fine. Narcissa may have gotten through a little to her. That’s all.” I heard Lucius say and my eyes widened a little. He isn’t going to mention what he walked in on? Or rather what he could have been walking in on? I know he might say it was okay but, it’s not. I don’t know what is going on with me. I just- I just wanted to feel wanted and that-that made me feel like I was. It doesn’t help that it felt good. Her lips were soft. Her hand was soft too. Stop thinking about it. It won’t happen again. I can’t and won’t let that happen again. No matter if I want it to happen again. This. It’s crazy to wish he hadn’t walked in, isn’t it? Is it absolutely absurd to wish that she had kissed me? To want to feel her soft lips on mine.

“Well, what happened?” Professor Snape asked.

“I am not sure. I know I walked in and saw Narcissa hugging her and the room was rather somber.” I heard Lucius Malfoy say and I was officially confused. He was telling the truth yes but, he was only telling a half-truth.

“Well, I can imagine that would mean she has opened up to her. Perhaps that means Narcissa will tell you why she tried to take her own life. If that was shared that is.”  Professor Snape said and I felt my heart sink a little. Was Narcissa only gathering information on me? Was any of this genuine? Did this really matter to her? Was I really ever wanted even for a moment? I had to have been, right? I don’t know anymore.

“Let what her and Narcissa talked about stay between them. If she is opening up to Narcissa it means that she is finding comfort in her. If it eases whatever she is feeling that led her to attempt to end her own life, then what she needs right now is someone to lean on Severus. Let’s not take that from her. This is a big change. She is surrounded by magic, and she isn’t used to being allowed to use it. She hasn’t been around people who encouraged it. That is just the stuff that she has willingly shared with us all. Let her and Narcissa build the friendship she needs. We can worry about building one with her later.” I heard Lucius Malfoy say and I felt myself let out a shaky breath that I was unaware I was holding.

“Very well. Then we all should be trying to get her to trust us sooner or later but, for now, she can lean on Narcissa.” Professor Snape said and I laid down on the bed and rubbed my face. This is crazy.

NARCISSA’S POV:

I can’t help but touch my lips with my fingertips. Her skin was smooth. It was sweet. I can still taste her skin on my lips. The peony smell grew stronger near her hair. Her hair was soft. She was soft. There is something about her that made her so luring. She trusts me. She started to trust me, but I couldn’t help myself. I was right there. She was so tempting. I knew better than to do that, but I don’t regret it. Her shoulder. The goosebumps that rose on her skin as I placed the kiss on her shoulder. Her little stutter and tremble in her voice. It was all too consuming. I heard a small crack, and I realized that Lucius had come home.

“Do you want to tell me what I walked in on exactly?” Lucius said with a smug smile.

“She opened up to me Lucius.” I said confidently. “I can tell you she didn’t tell me everything but, I know the reason she tried to end her life. They broke her spirit over there. Her family. They were terrible to her. They made her feel unwanted, unloved, they didn’t care for her and they made her feel like a burden. She feels like she is still burdening people here.” I said feeling sad for my new friend.

“She is not a burden here. You are right about that. Well now she is here away from them and here with the five of us, we will do our best to make sure she does not feel that way. Now about what I walked in on.” Lucius said and smiled at me.

“What about it?” I asked.

“Tell me. What did it feel like? What happened?” Lucius started to pry and sit next to me on the bed.

“She was soft. Her scent, it’s intoxicating Lucius. I just couldn’t help myself. I was hugging her and consoling her and the next thing I know I moved her hair to try and ease some of the peony smell. The smell that I apparently just love. Then I-I kissed her neck. I kept kissing her neck. Then I moved to her shoulder. All of her skin is soft. I ran my hand down her chest and rested it on her waist. She just-I just wanted to keep going. I was getting greedy. I don’t think anyone has ever touched her Lucius. It’s intoxicating. She is intoxicating.” I admitted and laid my head on my husband’s lap.

“Her skin is soft?” Lucius asked, amused by my revelation and started to stroke my hair and I nodded.

“Yes.” I said letting myself enjoy his touch. His finger dug a little into my hair a little bit pulling a small moan from me.

“You got to taste her. In a way we all want to Narcissa. I won’t lie. It was rather alluring to see you gripping onto her tightly to keep her pulled to you. To see you placing a kiss on her. I didn’t realize just how much it would turn me on.” Lucius said and his grip on my head tightened a little.

“Lucius. This feels…it feels good.” I moaned a little at his roughness with his grip on my head. He raked his fingers over my scalp pulling another moan from me.

“Tell me. Is it me you want right now? Or is it her?” Lucius asked.

“Both.” I said thinking about what could have happened.

“Is that the truth?” Lucius said and I bit my bottom lip.

“No. I want her. I want to watch her. To feel her. To taste her more.” I admitted and I felt his grip on my hair as he pulled my face up to his. He pushed his lips against mine and kissed me passionately. I felt his grip tighten on me once again and I moaned at the feeling.

“Then let me take care of you while you think of her Cissy.” Lucius whispered into my ear. A small gasp left my lips as he pushed me onto my back and started to kiss my neck.

“Lucius. You are making this incredibly difficult to enjoy myself with my clothes still on.” I joked.

“You are impatient darling.” Lucius mumbled against the skin on my neck. His hands reached for the buttons on my blouse and started to undo them. He was moving painfully slow but, my mind was focused on the small sounds she made when I kissed her skin. The skin that had risen. I felt his fingertips finally reach the skin on my stomach as he pushed my shirt open, and I pulled my arms free throwing it to the side. His fingers brushed over my stomach for a moment before reaching for the waistband of my pants. His fingers hooked onto the waistband of my pants and my underwear and slid them over my legs down to my ankles and pulled my shoes off. He finished pulling my pants and underwear off and slowly dragged his fingertips up my thighs.

“Tell me Cissy. What else were you hoping to do to her? How far were you going to go?” Lucius asked me and I blushed.

“I want to really taste her. I want to see what her lips taste like. I didn’t get to kiss her.” I admitted as he kissed his way down my stomach.

“Is there more you want to do to her Cissy?” Lucius continued to fill my head with his questions, and they became far less innocent.

“I want to taste all of her. I want to know if she is sweet between her legs too.” I admitted quietly, blushing faintly.  I felt Lucius lick through my pussy lips and a moan fell from my lips.

“Keep thinking about what she might taste like Cissy.” Lucius mumbled against my skin before licking my clit and sucking it into his mouth pulling another moan from me. The thought of doing this very thing to y/n took over my mind. The feeling of Lucius tongue on my clit and sucking it sent my mind into a tailspin of thoughts of making her feel the same way. Pulling her clit into my mouth and tasting her the way he is tasting me. The thought alone pushed my right to the edge of an orgasm and as Lucius licked a long strip from my opening to my clit I felt the orgasm rush through me.

“Lucius.” I moaned as I felt myself trying to come back down from the high of the orgasm I had. I heard his moan before he kissed up my skin.

“Get rest Cissy.” Lucius said settling behind me.

“What about your needs Lucius?” I asked quietly.

“I can handle them for tonight, Cissy. It’s alright.” Lucius said and even though I felt the pang of guilt I managed to fall asleep in his arms with y/n on my mind.

READERS POV

I don’t know why I feel the way I am. I can’t get the thought of how her lips felt on my skin off my mind. I want to feel more. I-I want to feel hers on mine. I’m so confused. I don’t know why I am feeling this way but, I think-no-I know I liked how I felt. I still like how I feel.

Chapter Text

Readers POV

The rest of the day before I managed to get any sleep was filled with thoughts on the feeling of Narcissa’s lips. I can’t get my mind off her. Or the fact that I ended up discovering a bit of my body when I started to feel a different urge pulling over me. I know I shouldn’t admit that I felt an ache between my legs but, I didn’t want to ignore it either. The only thing that I will admit is that I was wet, and it felt good to rub my own clit. It’s not the first time I have masterbated and it won’t be the last. I am aware of the need to be touched but, I haven’t let anyone else touch me. Well, that is primarily because I wasn’t allowed around people. That and I am still a little nervous to even put my own fingers inside myself. I couldn’t stop thinking about what she would feel like though. I wanted her to kiss me, but Lucius came in and I got nervous. What did he mean when he said it was okay? Was he willingly letting me be with his wife? What did he mean? I got distracted by the knock on the door and made my way over it fixing the clothes I had on and opened the door.

“Narcissa?” *I asked when I saw her in front of the door.

“Hello y/n, I just wanted to come and apologize for perhaps pushing a little too hard and being too forward yesterday.” Narcissa said and I felt myself blushing a little at the reminder even though it was all that was in my mind.

“No, I am sorry. You were being so kind, and I was leaning on you, and it was my fault.” I said not thinking about what that might sound like, but she stepped into the room with me and moved my hair off my shoulders to rest on my back.

“You are blushing.” Narcissa said smiling and I moved to cover my cheeks trying to hide the warmness in my cheeks. I felt her hands cover mine before moving them away. “Don’t hide how beautiful you are when you blush.” Narcissa whispered and it only deepened my blush.

“I-I can’t stop thinking about it.” I admitted in a small whisper.

“Neither can I. I can’t stop thinking about how soft your skin felt.” Narcissa said and I looked into her eyes not realizing just how much she was affecting me. I stepped a little closer to her not sure what exactly it was that I was doing but, I placed my hands on her waist.

“Me either. You are so soft.” I said quietly, pulling myself further into her. “I don’t know what its like to be wanted by someone but that-what you were doing. It made me feel things that I don’t quite understand but I would like to.” I admitted quietly to Narcissa, and she smiled.

“Soon but for now why don’t you let me treat you to some time out. You are only here for the rest of today and tomorrow you will be back in your dormitory with the others alright?” Narcissa said and I nodded.

“I would like that thank you.” I said before we were interrupted by Professor Snape.

“We would like her to stay here today. We have a few things we would like to discuss with miss y/l/n before her studies start here tomorrow.” Professor Snape said and I couldn’t help but feel a twinge of disappointment. I would have loved to spend the day with Narcissa, especially given the way I wanted to explore this little new feeling I have for her. I want to know where this could go but it seems like maybe this isn’t the time. You know what. It’s for the best. I promised myself that I was not going to do anything. Being around her right now is clearly nothing but asking for trouble. She is a married woman after all. A very attractive and beautiful woman. What is wrong with me? I mean Lucius did walk in. He didn’t care. He is attractive too. Why was he not upset with what he saw us doing? The more I think about it. The more I realized he was encouraging it to continue. Does he share his wife? Is this something they do?

“Are you alright y/n? You seem lost in thought.” Narcissa said and I looked at her and my face paled a little.

“Yes, I am alright.” I said lying through my teeth. I don’t know why I am so focused on the two. I am just a job right now. One that is only under watch because I tried to take my life. I don’t need to bother anyone, and truth be told can I really trust Narcissa? I mean I am still new, and this is all new to me. I think I trust her, but I don’t know if I really can. I know I told her a small fraction of what happened but, no amount of trust in someone would have me telling them my story. I can already feel myself dissociate and withdraw further into myself.

“Y/n?” I heard someone’s voice but, I was stuck dissociating and falling back into myself. I can feel my memories fighting to take control of my brain and the sadness was threatening to creep in.

“Y/n.” I felt the person’s hand on me, and I finally came back to the forefront of reality.

“Yes?” I said to Professor Snape as he peered down towards me.

“Where did you go just now?” He asked and I decided to play dumb.

“I am right here. Whatever do you mean? I did not go anywhere.” I said and tried to brush off his concern.

“Fine. Do not tell me. Very Well. If you shall choose to continue to shut people out, that is your own decision to make, however, it is unwise. Now, come along and follow me. We will be going to the potions classroom where we will all meet and go over some final details of what is expected then you will need to properly rest for tomorrow.” Professor Snape said and I nodded. I followed behind him to the potions classroom which was not far from his private chambers. When we stepped into the room I saw Lucius Malfoy, Professor Lupin, and Sirius Black already waiting for us. What could I need to know that would require all of them?

“Good day, y/n. How are you doing today?” Professor Lupin asked me.

“I am doing alright. Thank you.” I mumbled looking toward him and the others. I didn’t think I would be this intimidated being in a room with them all at once but, what if Lucius Malfoy told them all what he walked into when I was with Narcissa.

“Something troubling you?” Lucius asked with a grin like he already knew, and I lightly shook my head.

“No sir. Sorry just a little tired is all.” I lied trying to get his eyes off me.

“Leave the poor girl alone. If something should be bothering you, know that we are here to help ease your mind of whatever it is.” Sirius Black said and moved to stand next to me.

“Thank you, sir.” I mumbled and grew quiet.

“So formal. No need for that. You can call me Sirius. We wanted you to come here to do a final refresh of the courses before you start tomorrow is all. We want to make sure you have your best chance here.” Sirius said getting slightly closer with every word until I felt his arm snake around my waist a little and squeeze my side as if we were good friends and I felt my face warm up. I nodded in understanding and patiently waited for them to gather the materials that they wanted me to focus on. A couple of hours of studying went past when Professor Lupin looked at me.

“Any chance you might tell me what caused you to harm yourself?” Lupin asked, pulling the attention between us. I shook my head trying to avoid talking at all. I had a lot going on through my head and I felt a sudden silence fall upon us. My brain went into overthinking, and I felt the urge to run.

“It’s alright. I just wanted to know why. If you don’t think you can tell us yet that is fine just don’t do it again alright? Come find one of us. There is no need to harm yourself. Not when you have people to lean on alright?” Professor Lupin said and I lightly nodded. A nod so light that it could have been easily missed. He gave me a light smile before Professor Snape said that was enough for the night and they all escorted me to the great hall, and they sat me near Draco. I rolled my eyes a little at the attempt to force me around people but, I didn’t say anything about it.

“How are you liking the special treatment?” Draco asked and I looked down, not saying anything. I was very aware of all the eyes on me, and I just wanted to run out of the great hall and into the room they put me up in. I didn’t want to say anything when one of the girls chimed in.

“Must enjoy being in one of the professors’ chambers. You must be one of those girls. Trying to find attention in all ways, aren’t you?” The girl said.

“Pansy shut up.” Draco said and it was only in that moment that I truly did not care if I got into trouble. I got up from the table and stepped out of the great hall. I made my way towards Myrtle’s bathroom when I was stopped by Hermione Granger.

“y/n are you alright?” Hermione asked me. I looked at her and tried to suppress the sadness that was lurking behind my eyes as what Pansy said was affecting me a little too much. I realize that is what she wanted but it is hard to hear. I am not used to being around others. I am not used to being around other people my age. My parents were cruel, and they have said awful things to me but, what she said was harsh. I do not wish to have attention like that. I don’t want their attention at all. I just want to be left alone. I don’t want to burden others with my presence.

“I am fine.” I said to Hermione. I moved to step away when I heard footsteps behind me.

“Miss y/l/n, where do you think you are going?” I heard Professor Snape ask me and I closed my eyes to take a deep breath. I am not going back into his chambers if I can avoid it. I will just walk past him and go to the common room. I will just go right into the room they placed me in and go to sleep. I don’t want to be trouble or cause for concern.

“To bed.” I mumbled and tried to walk towards the dungeon stairwell. I heard his steps following me and I felt myself growing more frustrated. I want to be alone. I don’t even think he has gotten the chance to eat and here he is following me. I just need to be left alone. I am already taking up their time. I have already taken up the last three days with this crap. I am not someone who needs to be babied. I know it does not seem like it but, I am just trying to not be the burden I already am. I made the trip past his chambers when I heard him speak.

“Where do you think you are going. Where you stay right now is in the spare room inside my chambers.” Professor Snape said and I continued to walk towards the common room as I tried my best to ignore Professor Snape.

“Miss y/n. Where do you think you are going?” Professor Snape asked again? I finally looked at him.

“Back to the room I was assigned. I won’t trouble you there. I won’t do anything like I did a couple days ago. I just want to be left alone and to go to bed.” I said, trying to sound stable and not as sad as I felt.

“Then the room you are to stay in is in here not in the Slytherin dormitories.” Professor Snape said and I shook my head.

“No. I am sorry. I cannot.” I said and proceeded to the Slytherin common room and said the password to get into the room. I made my way into the dormitories and laid down in the bed. I let the few tears slip down my cheeks as I fell asleep.

Chapter Text

SNAPES POV

That little-

“Severus. Where is y/n? Is she back in the room?” Lucius asked me and I saw the rage behind my own eyes. Did that girl just walk away from me? Did she just dare walk away and not even give me as much as a second glance? This girl is becoming a thorn in my side and she has only been here a few days. I felt the headache already forming behind my eyes.

“What?” I said to Lucius.

“Is y/n in the spare room?” Lucius asked and I rolled my eyes and let out a frustrated sigh.

“You have impeccable timing to be irritating.” I said to Lucius. I saw his eyebrow cock at my statement, and I couldn’t help the little snarl that came up on my face.

“Severus.” Lucius said and I felt the urge to ignore him once more.

“No. She is not in the room. She went to the dorm she was assigned.” I said irritated.

“I think I have an idea as to why.” Lucius said and my eyes widened ever so slightly.

“Well get on with it then.” I bit out.

“According to Draco. One of the girls Pansy made quite the impressionable comment on miss y/l/n. Said she was getting the attention of the professors in all sorts of ways because she was staying in your chambers.” Lucius said and I scoffed. The little wench. Doesn’t even know the poor girl and is already making assumptions on what her intentions are. If they knew what had happened, she would only be made fun of further. Not that this isn’t bad on its own but it is less of what would happen if they found out she tried to take her own life.

“Severus. Are you even listening?” Lucius said, pulling me out of my own thoughts.

“Yes, I will handle it.” I said. I peered at Lucius who looked like he was going to say something but, a few people were starting to fill the hallways to make it to the common rooms. I looked over the Slytherins as they made their way to the common rooms until I saw Pansy walking with Draco.

“Parkinson. A word.” I said in my usual monotone voice. I saw her back straighten and her smile fall.

“Yes, Professor Snape.” Her small voice said.

“It has been brought to my attention that you have had some choice words with our newest transfer student.” I said trying to remain indifferent over it.

“No, sir. I have not.” Pansy Parkinson said. I glared at her as she dared to lie to me.

“Let it be known miss Parkinson that I do not take the accusation you made against not only her but, myself lightly. Then to lie about what you have said to my face. Detention for the rest of the week.” I said coldly to her. I watched her little lip tremble, and I got a small bit of humor in her little fear but, ultimately I cannot fathom bullies and she just happened to bully someone who is rather weak right now. I will not take kindly to people who are just like James and his clan of idiots.

“Yes sir.” She mumbled before quickly running away from me. Her sadness and defeat is only making this a bit more humorous for me.

“If I hear such remarks from you again, I will make it a month of detention and a personal meeting with the headmaster over your inappropriate comments. Is that understood?” I said to Pansy Parkinson. I watched her eyes widen and nodded before running into the dorms. That girl is going to be a problem. So is y/n being here though. This overall is going to be a bigger problem than we all thought. That damn potion being made is a problem in itself. All of this is only going to get worse for us all.

“Always did like to terrify the students don’t you Severus?” Lucius said to me and once again I was reminded of his annoying and arrogant presence.

“It is not about making them fear me, Lucius. It is about respecting me and knowing their place. It will be no different for y/n when she gets properly settled.” I said looking over at him.

“Is there a reason that this has you acting so strongly already? Is it because we all smelled the girl?” Lucius asked and I pushed him into my classroom and slammed the door shut and locked it with my wand.

“You are talking about this so freely. Don’t you think it is in all of our best interests not to go off that. It will change. She will not want or desire any of us. Amortentia always changes. Clearly since you and Narcissa no longer smell each other.” I said and that seemed to grab his attention.

“I still desire and love my wife very much Severus. We both just have a desire to share the girl if she will have us and had you not gotten in the way we might have been able to get that tonight. However, clearly, those very words upset her when it came to Parkinson creating such a lewd assumption about you and her. Clearly, she has no desire for you. She does however, like the attention from Narcissa.” Lucius said and I felt my blood boiling. How dare this arrogant man say any such things.

“What do you mean she enjoys the attention from Narcissa?” I asked holding back the anger I felt from hearing that they were already getting close supposedly.

“I happened to have walked in when Narcissa was kissing on her. Had I not stepped in and she hadn’t gotten nervous. I can’t help but wonder just how far those two would have gotten.” Lucius said and I can’t help but picture what it would have been like to walk into that scene unfolding.

“I could practically smell how badly she wanted Narcissa.” Lucius added and I looked at him with a scowl on my face. He could practically smell her need? What would that have been like? I want to know what that is like. Stop it Severus. She is a student and this is wildly inappropriate. None of us should be crossing such a line. She is vulnerable. The girl just tried to kill herself and we are all acting as if she is to be preyed upon.

“Stop while you are ahead Lucius. She is vulnerable and you two are preying on her in her weakened mindset. She just tried to end her life. The fact that Narcissa even did that while y/n is still recovering and under watch is uncalled for.” I said a bit bitter than I would like to sound.

“Are you insinuating that Narcissa was merely taking advantage of y/n?” Lucius asked through gritted teeth and his eyes narrowed at me.

“I am saying y/n has only been here a few days and has attempted to take her own life for whatever reason and if y/n so much as chose to open up to Narcissa and such acts did happened it was because y/n was attempting to open up and clearly she is unable to know the difference between being comforted or rather in this case desired.” I said my tongue a bit sharp. Lucius eyes narrowed further on me, and I looked over him.

“Do not talk about my wife in such ways Severus. Next time you make such accusations I will have your tongue for it.” Lucius said stepping toe to toe with me.

“Y/N has been caught up to speed. Neither of you have a reason to be around her anymore. If I see you two lingering around her for more than a passing hello, then I will see two it neither of you are allowed on the school grounds anymore. I will not hesitate to involve Dumbledore.” I threatened and saw that it has gotten his attention. With a sharp look and a small annoying click of his tongue Lucius moved away from me and down the hall. I despise that man. How dare he enjoy making a mockery of me. It is bad enough a child saw to try and humiliate me but, by use of such accusations that can impact me job. Parkinson will pay for that comment. I suppose I should go check on that girl. Rather if she is upset over the comment Parkinson has made then perhaps, I should not go near her.

“Sir, did y/n go into the common room?” Draco Malfoy said, and it brought me out of my own thoughts.

“Yes, she did. Leave her be Draco.” I said. However, this might be the only way to ensure that she has not attempted to take her own life again or rather harm herself.

“Yes Sir.” Draco said and I stopped him and put my hand on his shoulder.

“You know what Draco. Go on and check on her. Just ensure that she is breathing. If not, then come and find me.” I said coldly and he nodded before moving into the Slytherin common room and I made my way to my desk. That kid needs to gain a better backbone considering who his father is. Always the people-pleaser when it comes to his father. How he got into Slytherin I will never truly understand but, his father’s arrogance did transfer well. That is more than likely the reason for that kid to get into the Slytherin house. What is wrong with me? I can’t believe that I smelled this girl in the Amortentia. Maybe she did something wrong. I should rebrew it. Just to see if it was something she did. I just don’t understand how all of us smelled her. It is different for everyone. This is infuriating. I am going to make it. This is absurd!

READERS POV

I can’t believe that girl would assume I want to get there attention like that. I didn’t realize they knew I was going to be staying in Professor Snape’s private chamber. He has a second room in there. Granted it’s about the size of the closet and I really believe it was more than likely a closet at one time. Honestly it could have been a closet just before I was told to stay there. I don’t know much about magic, but it seems like it would be possible for it to transfigure it into an additional room with just a flick of the wand. This stuff is amazing, but it is also overwhelming.

My god. I just want to disappear. I don’t want to be here damn it. I don’t know why I agreed to this. Oh, that’s right. I didn’t exactly have a choice. My family never wanted me. I was their burden. I was there mistake and it was because I was born with magic. Why couldn’t the love me anyway? I just want to go back to my siblings. I miss them. I don’t even care that they hurt me anymore. This is all too much. I didn’t ask to be born with the ability. I wish my mom had been successful in cutting it out. What more damage could she have possibly done? I mean honestly. I should never have told Professor Snape that. I was just waking up though. The dream was to deep in the memory. I was stuck in the memory, and it was painful. Every time she dug the blade in, I was screaming in pain. If she had been successful, she might have loved me. I didn’t want it. I wanted my mom and dad to love me like they love my siblings. They were so spoiled, and I just wanted to have that too.

Now some of the people think I have been doing things with Professor Snape? I didn’t but, that is not going to happen. That didn’t happen. I wouldn’t do that. I don’t think I would do that. I don’t know I am so confused. I wanted to do something with Narcissa. All of this is incredibly confusing. Maybe I should just grab the blade and start digging again. Surely, I can find the magic myself and get rid of this. I just want my family to love me. I don’t want to be a disappointment to them. I don’t want to bring them shame the way they say I have. I didn’t mean for this to happen. I didn’t mean to be born with this ability.

“y/n?” I heard Draco’s voice. It brought me out of my own thoughts, and I sat up in my bed. I know he can just walk in. We are not allowed to lock the doors anyway. Especially since it is a shared room with other girls. I didn’t want to answer but I heard the footsteps approaching me as I continued to face away from him.

“Yes?” I finally said.

“Are you alright?” Draco asked me. For someone rumored to be so terrible he seems like he could be kind. I just nodded my head and then I felt his hand on my knee. What does he think he is doing?

“Don’t listen to Pansy alright? She has had a long-standing crush on Professor Snape for a while now, so she makes that up with everyone that goes near him. Just focus on you. I don’t know all of the details of why they put you up in the dungeon bat’s room, but I assume it had to have been bad. You know, you could use the fact that you are different to your advantage here. You are a Slytherin after all. We do well when we are striving to be the best. However, you seem to take everything a bit hard when you are not.” Draco said and I quickly pushed his hand off my knee. I don’t want to be touched right now. Not when I was just thinking the way I was. Not when I want to hurt myself.

“Is that all you came in here for?” I asked keeping my voice quiet. I saw his face fall slightly as I pushed his hand off my knee.

“I came in here to make sure you were okay and to make sure that what Pansy said was not eating away at you. She can be quite the wench when people threaten to take her place as the teacher’s pet. Like I said, Slytherins are known for wanting to be the best and she prides herself on being the teacher’s pet for Professor Snape. Although if it is just between you and me, even the dungeon bat could do better than that.” Draco said and although I felt awful a small laugh fell from my lips.

“That is not nice Draco.” I said, trying to stifle the laugh.

“She started it. Really. Whatever happened that landed you in there is over now. Just start fresh. Start over here. Don’t let whatever happened bring you down. I know what it is like when you are trying to please people who seem to never be pleased.” Draco said and I looked over to him finally and saw a hint of sadness on his face.

“What do you mean?” I asked quietly.

“I swear if you tell anyone what I am about to say I might just end you myself.” Draco said and I crossed my heart with my fingers causing him to smile and laugh a little. “My father puts a lot of pressure on me to follow in his footsteps. I just want to be what he wants me to be and it is a lot of pressure. If I am not his version of perfect. Then what am I really?” Draco said and I realized that I might not be so alone in trying to please my family.

“Is it hard to deal with it here? Do you trust anyone at all?” I asked feeling unsure of what he would say.

“Well, I trust my mom. She knows how I feel. She is aware that I feel inadequate sometimes. That I don’t think I will ever meet up to his standards of what he wants me to be. Sometimes I trust Professor Snape. I don’t tell him everything but, I think on some level he understands.” Draco said and it started to make me feel indifferent.

“You trust Professor Snape with what happens in your life?” I asked quietly.

“Only parts. He seems to be the only level-headed person here. He doesn’t believe in letting people get away with nonsense. Especially if it is something that could be dangerous or hurt others. Just don’t point that out to him because he will get mad and then deny it. He does not appreciate when people point out what he does.” Draco said and that only made me want to know why.

“Why wouldn’t he want it pointed out?” I asked, still keeping my voice quiet before the girl I shared the room came in and saw us scoffing.

“Isn’t it enough that you were fooling around with a teacher? Now you are moving onto Draco? Already making your way around I see.” She said quietly. I felt my face growing flush with embarrassment as some tears rose to my eyes filling them.

“I did no such thing.” I mumbled and Draco once again put a hand on my knee, this time pushing himself to stand up before getting in her face.

“Shut up. She hasn’t done anything at all. You and Parkinson will have another thing coming if you continue to say lewd things about y/n. Especially when it involves a teacher. Snape no less. He will have your head when he finds out you are helping spread such lies.” Draco said to her before leaving. I can’t imagine why he is sticking up for me but, he is, and I am grateful. He said I should just start over here. I wonder if that is even an option for me.

“Must have been really good to him if he is standing up for you.” She muttered as I laid down and I just closed my eyes and tried my best to ignore her or the tears that were feeling my eyes.

Chapter Text

Hey everyone. I am working on quite a lot of chapter to add. I know it has been a while since I have updated this. I did not abandon this. I am just writing a ton of things at once. My ADHD is not letting me focus on just this! I haven't forgot about this but, I will be adding a lot very soon!

Chapter Text

READERS POV:

I tried to lay down and rest despite the rude words being mumbled under my roommates breathe. I don’t want them to think that I am sleeping around. Draco mentioned that I should make this the time I start over. Maybe he is right. Tomorrow the real classes start. I don’t have to prove anything to anyone but myself, right?

I just need to focus on keeping my thoughts out of the thoughts of cutting. I can’t do it when they suspect that I am. I need to charm the rest of my body, so they don’t see it. I got to close to letting Narcissa see the rest of me I think. I don’t know. I don’t want to have to explain myself. I don’t want her to look at the marks and then feel like she has to stop and ask me what happened to me. I need a stronger charm to hide the rest of them. I need a way to just mask them entirely. It’s not just scars that I have made anyway. They are also scars my mom made from trying to cut the source of my magic out.

That’s it. If I do what I need to here. Maybe, I can figure out how this was possible to be born with it. Maybe I will find the answer on how to get rid of my magic so my mom and dad can love me. Maybe this will be the only way I can figure out how to cut the source of my magic out and they will finally love me like my siblings.

I sat up from my bed and grabbed the magic books and started to read them from cover to cover again and tried to find out if I missed something. I stayed quiet knowing my roommate was trying to sleep. Before I knew it some daylight started to filter into the room and I looked at the window. Really? I stayed up all night and read and found out nothing. I wonder if they have one of those big library’s here. Maybe they wouldn’t. I don’t think they could have much information on magic. I will have to ask about that. Maybe I am being naïve. They made an entire school and many subjects about magic. That means they know more than anyone, right? It’s a freaking school. Of course they have a library.

I stood up from the bed and used the spell to freshen up and made my way to the great hall. I remember they said that meals were required to be present for attendance reasons so I might as well listen. That is the only way to know I am not causing more issues. I can’t be a burden if they don’t have a reason to scold me, right? If I am not causing a problem, then I should be fine right?

I sat with the other Slytherins but found a spot that would allow me to sit by myself. Why would I want to make friends if they all think I am sleeping around with anyone anyway? Especially one of the professors. Why would I want to make my life a living hell like that. Fuck I have been here four days, and I feel like I have a fucking target on my back. This is not what I wanted. Why did Myrtle have to get someone to find help? Why couldn’t she just let me go. Just because she wanted to live doesn’t mean she should force me to. This fucking sucks. I can’t stand this. I don’t want to be here. Stay focused. Once breakfast and classes are over, I will have my cousin William help me find where the library is and from there I will focus on figuring out how to get rid of my magic so my mom and dad will want me. They have to love me once I find out a way to get rid of it right?

Like my mom said. If she could just get rid of the magic, I might mean something to them. If I didn’t have magic, I would have been a good daughter. I wouldn’t have been a disgrace to their family. She wouldn’t have to hurt me. My dad wouldn’t have to beat me. My siblings could be allowed to spend time with me again. I just want them to love me. They never gave me a chance because of this.

“Hey y/n are you okay?” I looked up to see that it was Draco asking me and I nodded.

“Yeah why?” I asked softly.

“You just look sad, and you have tears falling down your face.” Draco said and I moved my hands to my face and wiped them. Weird I didn’t realize I was crying. Shit. I need to get out of my head.

“No, I am fine. Weird. I didn’t realize I was doing that. My bad.” I said trying to brush off that I was crying. I looked around and waited for us to be dismissed. Draco sat near me and his friends followed suit. Can’t this dude leave me alone? Just because he found a way to comfort me yesterday does not mean I need him to try and be my friend. Right, he wants me to try and “start over” here. I don’t know what I am doing anymore. I noticed everyone getting up and looked at Draco.

“I don’t know where I am supposed to go for classes.” I said quietly.

“You and I have the same schedule so just follow us.” Draco said and I nodded and followed at a distance. I don’t want to be a part of his little group. Hell, I don’t want to be apart of my own group. I followed Draco and his group into the Charms classroom with Professor Flitwick. He is short. I don’t think I have seen someone but a toddler around that height before. It kind of weirds me out but, I will just stay in the back and keep my head down.

This class seems boring. Draco and his friends are goofing off. They keep talking about someone named Harry Potter. I wonder if Draco has a crush on him or something. He talks about him so often that it really just seems like he likes him. Just focus on the class. Just until we can figure out if there is a way to get rid of this magic crap and then I can go home. My mom and dad will have to want me then, right? They will love me then, right? My family will love me then, right? I can feel my face falling as I think about how badly I want them to accept and love me. I don’t care. I don’t care at all anymore if people see me sad. I don’t. My cousin, aunt, and uncle seem nice but, they are not my mom and dad. I miss my siblings. I want to go home. I want them to love me like I love them. I didn’t ask for any of this. I didn’t ask for magic. I just-

“Hey y/n. What’s wrong?” Draco leaned over to ask me, pulling me from my thoughts and I felt something wet on my cheeks and wiped at the feeling confused.

“Nothing.” I said quietly and realized I had been crying quietly. When did that happen? When did I get so good at ignoring the feeling of crying?

“Are you sure? I don’t think I have seen someone confused that they were crying before.” Draco whispered to me, and I turned to him.

“Shouldn’t you be focused on class instead of me?” I asked a little harshly. Stop snapping at people. What happened to the idea of pretending like I was mute. So far, I can’t help but, to not shut up and now I am snapping at someone who is just trying to care for me. Well from what I can tell that is. For all I know this is just like when my sister tried to tell me she loved and missed me.

(Flashback)

~  ”Come on y/n! Mom and dad won’t know. We miss you. We miss all the fun we had. Just come out of the room and spend time with us again.” My sister said and I finally caved and listened to her. I stepped out of the room and remembered her long blonde hair as she ran up the stairs with my hand in hers. The blue eyes are a stark contrast from mine. I took more after my dad, and she looked just like our mother.

“Yay! You came!” My middle sister said and grabbed my other hand and pulled me with both of them outside. They pulled me with them into the field and asked me to make the flowers grow again and I grew cautious. I didn’t know how to. I didn’t want to know how to. I didn’t know why they were asking me too until our dad came out from behind me with the belt and whacked me across my back and pulled me back inside by my hair. I reached for his wrist as I cried out in pain.

“Dad please. I am sorry. I thought it would be okay. Daddy please!” I cried out when he threw me down the stairs. My back slamming onto every edge before I laid on the floor winded and in pain. The tears fell down my face as he made his way down the stairs and stood over me. I felt his fingers tangle into my hair again and force me to my feet as I struggled to breathe.

“Daddy please. Im sorry.” I said through labored breathing and the tears fell down my face.

“Worthless child. You don’t get it, do you? We didn’t want you if you were like them. We can’t have such a spoiled and worthless brat like you. Magic? Please. There is no such thing allowed in this house!” My father yelled before taking my hair in a rougher grip and threw me onto the bed before swinging the belt onto my back harshly. My cries eventually died down when I became numb to the pain. By the time my father left I felt blood on my back and welts raising.

“I’m sorry daddy. I didn’t’ mean to be this way.” I mumbled quietly to myself as I fell asleep with tears still in my eyes. ~

(end of flashback)

I felt hands on my face wiping a stream of tears that were falling but, no sound was coming out.

“Hey, come on. Don’t cry.” Draco whispered to me holding onto my face. I looked at him with nothing but distance in my eyes. Why is he touching me? I didn’t want him to touch me. Why am I crying? Why am I not registering that I am crying?

“I’m fine Draco.” I said quietly and pushed his hands off my face and stood up as soon as the class got up to leave. Draco latched onto my side and walked with me to second period, and I looked at him.
“Why are you attaching to me like a flea?” I asked quietly.

“Why are you crying in charms?” He asked me and I felt a little annoyed at his persistence.

“Please stop trying to attach to me.” I said quietly. “Aren’t you still mad at me for sending you flying when they had me practicing the duel?” I asked trying to make him mad to keep him away.

“No. I mean a little. I didn’t think to be bested by someone just learning magic for the first time.” Draco said but, smiled a little. “My dad hasn’t exactly let me live that down either by the way.” Draco added and a small smile drew across my face.

“There is that smile. Good. I am here. I may not seem like the nicest person but, I can be when I see someone hiding their pain.” Draco said and my smile quickly fell.

“My problems and pain are not yours Draco. Just leave me be.” I said quietly and made my way into Transfiguration with Professor McGonagall. I sat in the back trying to keep to myself but, I realized her eyes were locked onto me despite me keeping my head down. It didn’t matter that I was paying attention in her class, she just continued to stare at me. It felt like time was speeding up though at some point during the class as I continued to focus on the spells being taught inside of it. I felt like I was getting the hang of it. I felt Draco tapping on my shoulder and I brushed him off.

“What?” I asked quietly.

“You are crying again.” Draco said quietly and I looked at him confused.

“What?” I said and reached up and felt my cheeks wet. What the hell is happening. I don’t want to be here if I keep crying. No wonder Professor McGonagall keeps staring at me. I am crying. This is completely insane. It is like I have no control over this. What is happening to me right now? I don’t understand why I have no control over this. I have no control over the fact that I keep crying. I feel like I am getting trapped in the cycle of the memory of never being allowed to practice magic. The fact that I am being encouraged is only making me cry and I don’t even realize it. This is so foreign to me. Why am I being encouraged to practice? Why are they not mad at me for practicing? Why am I not being punished? I don’t understand. I don’t understand why I am not being beaten. I moved to wipe my tears quickly before grabbing my stuff and ran out of the class to the fifth year bathroom where Myrtle was. I felt the tears flowing more freely the moment I stepped in and sat down with my back against the wall. I don’t understand this. I don’t understand why this is allowed here. Why couldn’t my parents let me practice? Why was this so bad to them?

Chapter Text

READERS POV

I will never understand. I will never get why this was so bad too, my parents. Why did they perceive me as evil because I had magic? I would not have used it against them. I just want them to love me. Why couldn’t they love me? Am I meant to never be loved?

“Y/N. Are you in here?” I heard a man’s voice. I think that is Sir. Black.

“Yes.” I said softly. It was only a moment later when I heard his footsteps coming into the restroom.

“Are you alright?” He asked and sat beside me. I guess I should have expected someone to try and find me. After all it’s the middle of the school day and I did just attempt to take my own life a few days ago.

“I am fine.” I said quietly despite the tears falling.

“No, darling, you are not alright. Come here love.” Sirius said and lightly guided my head to his shoulder letting me lean on him. “I won’t push you to tell me what is on your mind but, I am here to listen when you are ready. It will stay between us. I am great at keeping secrets.” Sirius added as I finally let a wall slip and let out a proper cry. I felt myself clinging to him with a desperation to pull myself together but waves of wanting to feel properly cared for started to take over. I don’t get it. Why is this okay here. Why do they encourage magic if it is supposed to be something that would damn us to hell. I don’t get it. Why would my mom and dad not want me to have it. I could have done so much for us. We could have had a different life. I just want my family to want me the way I want them.

“I-I don’t” I said through choked sobs. “I don’t know what I’m doing here.” I finally got out through tears and felt Sirius pull me into his lap, so my head was properly on his chest and shoulder, and he started to comb his fingers through my hair.

“You are here because it is where you are meant to be love.” Sirius said quietly, trying to console me and I began to clutch onto him like he was a lifeline of support.

“I don’t understand why this is okay here but, it wasn’t back home.” I said barely audible through my hoarse voice. Why did my parents hate me so much? Why did they hate magic so much?

“Your parents. Did they make you feel like this?” Sirius asked quietly and I nodded.

“They didn’t want me to practice. They-“ I stopped myself again.

(flashback)

~ “How dare you! Do you realize what you have done? You stupid spoiled brat!” My father yelled at me. My five-year-old self looked up at my father confused as to what he meant.

“How dare you make your mothers garden look like that!” He yelled at me again. “It’s full of life she did not give it. As if it happened overnight! What were you doing out of your room?!” He yelled at me further before raising his hand back and striking my face hard.

“Your mother is terribly upset. She wanted to do this and here you are. Going out of your room and touching her things. They were freshly planted seeds yesterday! No one on Gods green earth can grow a plant that quickly outside of God himself! You insufferable brat!” He screamed at me again before he striked my back with his bare hand.

“Magic does nothing but corrupt people! You are a waste! An absolute waste!” My father yelled in my face as I cried out in pain. My back was aching from his hand coming down on it. I had fallen down to my side crying.

“I can’t wait until your mother can figure out how to take that God awful magic from you so you can be apart of this family normally.” He spit out at me before kicking me in the stomach and leaving me in my room and locked the door. I remained crying and doubled over in pain as I felt his kick in my stomach. I was winded and struggled to breath before curling into myself and hugged my knees to my chest.

“I’m so sorry mommy and daddy. I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t know.” I cried myself to sleep that night on the floor. ~

(End of flashback)

“They what y/n?” Sirius asked quietly and I shook my head trying to pull away quickly before I said anything else.

“Shh. Shh. Shh. It’s alright. You don’t have to tell me if you are not ready. It is going to be alright. No matter what they did. They are not here to do it again. I know it probably does not feel like it but, you are safe here from them.” Sirius said and began to rub my back, and I rested my head against his chest again.

“I don’t know if I belong here.” I said quietly through my tears. I felt Sirius fingers comb through my hand again.

“Of course you do. You weren’t meant to be there, but you are meant to be here. You are special just like the rest of us. Filled with such promise. The way you picked up so much magic knowledge in just the matter of a few days. It’s raw talent. You are meant to be here if anywhere.” Sirius said calmly and I started to breathe a little bit more steady.

“Good girl. There you are. Calm down love. You are meant to be here practicing magic alongside the rest of us.” Sirius said calmly and I ended up taking a few deep breaths. I don’t want to move. This feels different. This doesn’t feel forced. This feels genuine. It’s like he cares. Does he care? Is this fake?

“Why are you helping me?” I asked quietly.

“Y/n why would I not help you love? You are hurting right now. This is not a time to be alone with your thoughts. You need someone to lean on, and I want to be here for you.” Sirius said and I relaxed further into him.

SIRIUS BLACK POV

“You want to be?” y/n asked me, and I wrapped my arms around her better and kept my hand on the back of her head. Gods she smells incredible.

“Yes, I want to be. No one asked me to be here. The second I overheard you were going through something I knew I had to come see you. To make sure you were okay.” I said and looked at her. Her hair is soft. That peony scent is coming straight off her hair. I rested my head on hers and took a deep breath letting her scent fill my nose and rubbed her back again.

“That’s really – kind of you.” y/n said through a brief hiccup of tears. It’s breaking my heart to see her so broken. I sweat if I ever meet her parents, I may just kill them myself for breaking her this way. I don’t want her to move. I like how she didn’t resist me pulling her into my lap. She is so fragile. I want to keep holding her. Remus is going to have my head if he realizes I was in the girl’s loo holding her like this. Screw him. He can be jealous about it later.

“Are you sure you don’t want to tell me what is really bothering you love?” I tried to pry a final time and felt her shake her head against my chest. “Alright. That is fine. If you ever want to talk y/n I am here. What you tell me will always stay between just us. I promise you that.” I said and continued to comfort her. I brushed some of her hair back to see her face. Such beautiful eyes. Plump lips. Her skin is so fair. She is so beautiful. Even when her eyes are so puffy from crying, they are still so beautiful. How can someone so powerful and talented be so broken. I just want her to feel like she is worth something. She is. Whatever her family has done to her; they don’t deserve her. She is worth so much despite how broken she seems. Her hair is so soft. I can’t help but push her hair behind her ear. My fingers brush against her jawline and I can feel my hand guiding her head up to look at me. I brushed my thumb against her cheek and watched as her breath hitch. Am I leaning in or is she. I can’t tell. It’s like I’m being drawn in further under her spell. The peony from her hair is driving me mad.

“y/n” I whispered to her. Her eyes looked into mine still glassy. I ran the tip of my thumb against her bottom lip and took in every small detail of her face. He cheeks getting a deeper shade of pink. So beautiful. What has she done to me. I am completely bewitched by this beautiful young thing.

“Yes, Sir Black?” y/n asked just barely above a whisper, and I quickly remembered that she was in fact a student and Remus warned me not to make an advance on her. Not when she is like this. That isn’t right. She is so vulnerable right now. God her lips are so close. Just one kiss wouldn’t hurt, would it?

“y/n.” I said quietly again trying to remember I shouldn’t be leaning in or guiding her face to mine but, it’s becoming an instinct for me. I need to stop but she isn’t pulling away. I can’t do this when she is being vulnerable but, merlin, I am a selfish bastard. I leaned closer my lips brushing against hers and I heard her breath hitch again.

“Merlin, I’m sorry y/n.” I whispered before pressing a soft kiss to her lips. So soft. So unbelievably soft against my lips. She tastes of mint. Fuck. Pull away Sirius. Stop doing this. Fuck. I felt my hand on the back of her neck tighten the hold a little as I pushed my lips against her rougher. Fuck Sirius she is vulnerable pull away. I want to taste more of her. I cant stop myself now. I slid my tongue against her bottom lip and listened to a little whimper come from her mouth before I pulled away finally.

“I am so sorry Ms. y/n.  That was wrong of me to do.” I said quietly and moved her out of my lap slowly. Her eyes are still closed like she is processing what just happened. Her lips look so soft and inviting. Sirius Black. Stop it.

“It’s alright. I-“ Y/n started to say, and I moved closer to her once again and placed another kiss to her lips. God she is an addiction. I felt her lips start to move against mine and I reached for her waist.

“Tell me to stop y/n because I can’t do this when you are so vulnerable.” I said quietly. God, I need her to tell me to stop. I need her to push me away.

“I am not vulnerable.” y/n said. Her voice is shaking. She doesn’t want to be vulnerable, but she is.

“y/n, I know you want to believe that. Merlin, I want to believe it too but, if you want me to continue, I want you to do so without tears in your eyes. I want to be the reason you are flustered not because your eyes; those beautiful eyes of yours are red and swollen from crying.” I said quietly and brushed her tears away that were rolling down her cheeks. I am a monster for kissing her while she is in this state. I am terrible for wanting to do it again. She needs to get to her third period class but, I can’t help but, want to protect her. Especially since her next class is potions with Severus. She will be okay. She is better there in his class than stuck in this position with me when I can’t seem to stop with wanting to kiss her.

“I’m sorry. I can do better.” y/n said, and it felt like I had been hexed. Does she think she did wrong? No love. I was the one in the wrong.

“Y/n, you were not in the wrong. You have done nothing wrong. That was amazing. I just want to do it when you are not upset. Would you like me to walk you to potions? You can’t miss out on another class love. It will be alright.” I said softly and watched her nod lightly. She is so beautiful. So very beautiful and I couldn’t wait to kiss her, so I did it when she was vulnerable. I slowly stood up shifting to right myself as I offered my hand to help her up. I felt her skin on mine and I felt something like a burning sensation in it. Gods her hand is small in mine. I guided her hand onto my arm to walk her to her class and taught her the charm to hide the red eyes.

“There you are love. Please try and feel better. If you need anything. Please come and find me. Alright?” I offered her and saw her nod.

“Thank you, Sir. Black.” y/n said, and I felt the slight rush of excitement at the formality from her lips. Merlin, she has done a number on me. I am going to have to go see Remus and confess what I did aren’t I.

READERS POV

He kissed me. Sirius Black kissed me. I couldn’t help but feel cared for. The way he was stroking my hair. The way his hand felt when he was rubbing my back. I- I rather enjoyed it. God what the hell is happening to me? First the encounter with Narcissa and now this encounter with Sirius? What the hell. I am so fucking confused. Narcissa was so soft. Her lips on my shoulder and neck were soft. She was soft. Sirius lips were chapped. Slightly more firm but, it felt good. This- it’s all so weird. I wanted to keep kissing him but, he pulled away. This is crazy. Is it crazy? Oh my god what have I gotten myself into? What the hell have I gotten myself into? I kept asking myself as I stepped inside Professor Snape’s potions class. Oh god. Does he know? Why is he staring at me like that? I don’t get it. His eyes are practically beating down on me. That isn’t possible right? Mind reading isn’t a thing, is it?

Chapter Text

SNAPES POV

You have got to be kidding me. Sirius is never going to hear the end of this. Why is she so focused on how they felt. This is not okay. Didn’t Remus and I tell the others not to pressure this girl into something. This is maddening. This is highly upsetting. Yes, I am in her mind. Yes, it is an invasion of her privacy but, she does not need to know of my skills. I am doing it for her own good. I just wanted to make sure she was alright. Minerva quickly sent me a parchment to let me know she was having difficulties but, it turns out she is just running off to snog Sirius Black in the bathroom. What the hell was he thinking! I am going to rip that man’s throat out when I see him.

I snapped out of my thoughts when I looked at where a screeching noise came from and saw Neville Longbottom hit the edge of the table and it scratched across the floor.

“If you use those things called eyes Longbottom then you would see there was a table there.” I said coldly and saw him practically tremble. Good someone still fears me. I can still hear her thoughts. Narcissa on her mind. How wanted she felt, just because Narcissa was kissing her. This is insanity. Now, she is focused on Sirius and how his lips felt. Chapped lips? That’s what her focus is on? She needs to be paying attention to the lesson. Right. I haven’t started the lesson.

“Today, you are to review the basic methods on brewing potions. I will be watching you closely. You are to remain quiet as you read over the basic methods and take notes. Absolutely no talking.” I said. I looked over the class before my eyes focused back on y/n. She is thinking about how I sound. Is she gaining a schoolgirl crush on every inappropriate person here? Her thoughts are focusing on Neville Longbottom now. Oh, by Gods, she could do better than that nervous know-it-all. At least this one is more appropriate. Her thoughts are so loud. I will never be able to get through teaching with her thinking so loudly.

READERS POV

What was that one’s name? I don’t know but, he was practically shaking when Professor Snape talked to him. Professor Snape has a very deep voice. Is he aware of what he sounds like? It might be more of a monotone sound but I can’t help but, be drawn to it. What has gotten into me. My head hurts. It’s like there is a ringing sound in it. I shook my head a little and rubbed at it. It’s really starting to hurt but, I will live. It’s just a headache. I looked down at the book and felt like I was bored. This was the stuff I learned over the past couple of days. I just continued to stare at the book before I fell into a dissociated mess.

(flashback)

~ “You can’t even pay attention long enough to learn the basic things you worthless brat!” My dad said towering over me. I watched as the belt come down across my legs and cried out in pain.

“I’m trying daddy please.” I cried. I don’t know what I am doing wrong.

“Count to ten. Maybe by then you will have learned your lesson.” My dad said yelling at me again. Another crack across my legs with the belt happened and despite my tears I counted each one. My cries only got louder as he hit the same spot ten times.

“Now. Tell me again your Alphabet forwards and backwards. Count to a thousand by odds only. Finally tell my every number in Pie.” My father said and I tried to give him the answer. My nerves were starting to get the best of me as I recited the alphabet forwards and backwards getting a little stuck halfway through saying it backwards. I flinched when I saw his hand with the belt rising to hit me again and quickly started to say it again. I started to say the numbers by odds and watched him circle me. What was the last thing he wanted? Oh god. Please. I don’t remember.

“Do you remember the entire numbers of Pie y/n?” My father asked and I knew the answer to that question was no but, I knew I needed to try.

“I can try daddy. But I don’t think I remember it all.” I said quietly and he dropped the belt and smacked me across the face.

“Worthless child. First you are born with that awful magic. Now you aren’t even as smart as the rest of us. Pathetic excuse of a child.” My father said and tears fell down my face.~

(End of flashback)

SNAPES POV

What the hell? Did she just- I can’t even imagine. I didn’t. She looked so young when that happened. Her memory was so vivid, but she looked like she was maybe six. That’s how her father spoke to her? I can’t pry my eyes off her. She has tears streaming down her face. She is in the middle of class supposed to be going over the foundations of potions. I can understand spacing out because she was the one student that has the most recent studies of it because she just got here. She has put in so much work. Is that why she keeps running away from us when she feels like she has not done something right? Does she think we would hurt her? Do I tell her to calm down or to maybe even try and get her to open up. No that is a terrible idea. My choice words of it being a job are only going to make it worse. I wonder if she would take a calming draught if I gave it to her. Maybe that will help with the memories. This girl has been through a different type of hell than we thought. They didn’t just shame her for having magic. They beat her for it.

“Professor Snape.” Hermione Granger’s voice cuts through like a knife cutting through my thoughts.

“What Granger? What could you possibly want?” I asked cold and calculated.

“What is it you are wanting us to study if we feel we have the basics down sir.” Hermione asked and I pinched the bridge of my nose. God’s this girl is beyond a frustrating know-it-all. This girl never knows when to stop trying to be the best.

“Granger, is there a problem with just listening to instructions?” I asked her rhetorically.

“Sir, some of us know this quite well already and you want us to stay silent. I just want to stay on top of my work.” Hermione rebutted and my eyes pinched shut for a moment.

“Granger keep your head down and just study them again.” I said once again coming off cold and she looked down at her book. I found myself quickly looking back towards y/n and noticed Draco trying to soothe her. I can’t believe my eyes. Such an arrogant boy to try and have a fleeting moment of kindness with the new girl. He is just as insufferable as his father and now his mother and Sirius for that matter. No wonder the girl is getting attachment issues with all of them. She doesn’t have the faintest clue what being cared for is. You know what. I don’t think I can watch the tears fall anymore. Nope. I don’t even think she realizes it is happening. She looks so withdrawn from herself, its rather depressing.

I quickly removed myself from my chair and moved into my closet of ingredients and grabbed a vial of an already made calming draught. Made this for myself but she needs it more right now.

“Miss Y/l/n, come here now.” I said from the closet and after a moment of not hearing any steps I turned around to call out to her again for her to be standing directly behind me and for a moment I startled back. She is a quiet little thing isn’t she. I looked down at her. Do I bring attention to the tears still streaming down her face? Should I reach out and wipe the tears away.

“Yes, Professor Snape?” Y/n asked quietly. She was barely audible, but I don’t want to point it out. Just one small wipe of the tears won’t hurt, will it? Yes. Yes, it would. She has enough on her plate because of those three prowlers. She does not need me to do the same.

“I think this may help with, well, the crying.” I said bluntly and watched her eyes widen as she touched her face and quickly wiped her eyes.

“My apologies sir.” She said quietly and I grabbed her wrist stopping her from wiping her face further and put the calming draught in her hand.

“Don’t apologize.” I said trying to keep my voice down to not cause her any type of fear. What is happening to me? Since when did I care about whether or not I have scared someone. “Drink it. It won’t taste good but, it will help you stay calm and pulled together for the rest of the day.” I said quietly. I reached out and dragged my thumb over another falling tear before I could stop myself. This girl, she has been through so much and I have only seen one of her memories. I shouldn’t have been inside her mind. I feel guilty for seeing something without her consent. I should tell her. I can’t. She must not know what I have done. I pulled my hand away and watched her look at me. Her eyes soft yet so withdrawn. I want to know more but I don’t want her to feel like she has to tell me. I don’t want her to feel even more overwhelmed or embarrassed. I watched as she uncorked the vial of calming draught and took it never drawing a face of discontent. Interesting. Even I still make a bit of a face taking that.

“If you should want to talk to me y/n, you can. I will not force you but, I want you to know you have an option.” I said. What the hell did I just say? I have enough on my plate as is. Now I am offering to hear her problems. What is happening to me? Get your head out of your ass Severus. She is a young woman with a lot of problems. You do not need to get involved with every case you see. I watched as she shook her head and handed me the empty vial.

She wishes not to tell me? To open up to me? Is it because of the one slip up where I said I was there for her out of obligation? I did not mean it. Yes, technically that is true, and it is my job but, I meant it. I want her to lean on me not them. Especially if she is dealing with that kind of hardship. They will not understand the things she has been through. They won’t know how to help her or how to help her feel better about herself. She just needs to be nurtured. She needs someone who can properly understand her. Not these horny idiots. They are not going to be able to help her the way she needs.

“Alright. The offer stands y/n. You don’t have to be alone with your thoughts if it is what has you upset.” I said as softly as I could muster. “How are you feeling?” I asked looking over her eyes as they grew more distant and slightly dark.

“I’m feeling better. Thank you, Professor Snape. Might I go back to my seat?” Y/n asked.

“You may.” I said as my voice returned to the deep monotone it always is. This girl is going to be the death of me. I don’t know what about her that has gotten under my skin. I haven’t felt this drawn to someone since Lily and I refuse to admit that I feel like this for someone her age. An eighteen-year-old. It’s absurd that I could have a connection to anyone of that age. Lily was everything to me. We grew up together and eventually she left me after I made one mistake. One thing I still regret every day. This is insanity to feel drawn like this to y/n. She is so young. I don’t- I can’t. Not again. I cannot risk someone else. I am not worthy of having someone’s attention like that. Especially someone so beau- stop it. Stop that thought. I will not call her such things. Not even in my mind.

“Class dismissed.” I called out and watched everyone clear out quickly. I watched Y/n’s movements. Her eyes nearly hollow in her own darkness. This girl. She is alone with her thoughts, and I am starting to understand why it is that she wants to leave this life behind. I don’t know if I could live with what she has gone through. I remember what it was like to hold her when she woke up from the night terror and I can feel myself wanting to hold her like that again. I don’t deserve to feel her touch. To have her attention. She needs someone who can be there for her in every way imaginable. I want to be the one she wants to be with but, she seems rather occupied with the others. I don’t deserve to be loved like that. I don’t deserve to have someone after everything I have done.

She means too much to me already but, I will never be like the others. I will not make a move on her. Not when she is vulnerable. Not when she really just needs someone to look out for her. Not when she needs someone to really be her friend. She doesn’t need me to add to her problems. She wouldn’t like me like that anyway. I am too old, too ugly, to fat. The others think so anyway. I ran my hand along my stomach and felt the man’s corset under my dress robes. I wonder what she would think if she knew I wore one of these for my insecurities. Would she be as rude as the others? She doesn’t seem the type to have a real mean bone in her body. The way she was able to duel draco and send him flying. She approached him and apologized like she did something wrong. We need to work on that. Her heart is far to pure to keep herself protected. She needs to find a way to keep herself protected. I need to keep her protected no matter what the cost.

Chapter Text

READERS POV

I just want to be out of this room. I don’t think he wanted me here anyway. I didn’t understand why he gave me the calming draught until he pointed out that I was crying. I can’t believe that I keep crying. My mind keeps going back to how much my father hated me. Rather he hated magic. It had to just be the magic, right? He loved my siblings. He never hit them. Never brought the belt to them or hurt them. Why was I so different? I sat in History of Magic and completely zoned out. I need to be focused. This might be the class I lean about how this even happened. How I ended up with magic.

Is there even point to cutting it out now? What if I get rid of the magic and go home. Would they even want me? I have had it for so long that what if it was not the magic that made them hate me. What if it was just me. What if they really just didn’t want me?

“Y/n, are you paying attention?” The professor asked. Wait who is this lady. We were just in History of magic. When did we switch classes? Is this Defense against the dark arts? Where is Professor Lupin?

“Uhm-“ I said quietly, and I heard her high-pitched hum.

“Pay attention in my classroom. It would be in your best interest to not ignore my lessons.” She said.

“Professor? What was your name? I’m sorry. I must be in the wrong class. I was supposed to be learning from Professor Lupin.” I asked softly and her head snapped in my direction.

“Professor Umbridge. If you had been paying attention you would have heard that I am taking over the class for the rest of term.” Professor Umbridge said. Oh, I don’t like her. It might be her little pinched together face. Maybe it’s her stuck up attitude. I don’t like her. I think I just lost interest in the Dark Arts if this is who is teaching it. They keep saying Sir Malfoy has an ego here but, this woman is full of arrogance. I don’t like her. I don’t enjoy that her beady eyes are still looking at me. I put my head down to keep my mouth shut. The rest of her class along with Herbology and Astrology was considerably boring. I tuned out most of the information. What is the point in any of this? At least the last two classes were the one’s I was allowed to pick. The study of ancient runes and the care of magical creatures. That seems so fascinating to me. I didn’t realize what they meant by magical creatures but, they have Hagrid teaching it. He is a big man but he kind of reminds me of a kind giant or even a teddy bear. He seems sweet. He talks about the creatures like he is their personal father, and it is a rather adorable trait. From the looks of it, Hagrid doesn’t have any children but, he seems to act as if Hermione is one of his own. Oh wait. That’s what Harry looks like. I have met him, haven’t I? No, I don’t think so. That’s who Draco keeps talking about? Honestly, if those two got together they would be quite the handsome couple. I wonder why they wouldn’t want to be together. Well other than perhaps not liking the same gender. Seems like such a silly reason to not want to give it a try. I bet they would attach to each other. It’s not my business. Just because Draco is kind of nice to me does not mean he and I are friends.

“Y/n, would you like to give it a try? I promise Buckbeak is nice. Harry just got back.” Hagrid had called out to me, and I felt myself slightly intimidated by the Hippogriff. This is insane. Things like this don’t exist. Not in real life. Perhaps my family killed me, and I am just experiencing my death. I stepped forward a little, still hesitant. This is crazy. This thing could kill me. Right, I have to bow right? Reach my hand out and – oh god. It’s touching me.

“Good y/n. Good. Your turn. Up you go.” Hagrid said and went to lift me, and my eyes widened. Wait what? I looked at him as he placed me on Buckbeak. I rested my head on his neck and clung to him.

“Wait. What?” I finally said as Hagrid encouraged him to take off. No. Oh god. I am terrified of heights. Is this man insane? No absolutely not. I am dead. There is no other way to explain what is happening right now. There is no reasonable explanation of what is happening to me. Oh god don’t look down. Don’t look down. I opened my eyes and looked down. Idiot.

“Alright. Buckbeak. So, fun. Great. Can we go back now.” I said quietly burying my face in its neck for it to let out a sound. Hell. After another moment I heard his feet touch the ground and I finally opened my eyes to see us in front of the class and back on the ground. Oh, thank God.

“Have fun?” Hagrid said, smiling towards me. I just nodded to be polite but swung my leg over and let Hagrid help me down.

“That’s the end of the class for today.” Hagrid announced it and I turned back to Buckbeak. Despite being absolutely terrified out of my mind the Hippogriff is rather kind. Well, that is if you don’t spook it.

“Would you like to feed him?” Hagrid asked me and held out a dead ferret. Oh god. I quickly shook my head and backed away.

“No, sorry Sir.” I said quietly and he laughed a little.

“You are a quiet one, aren’t you?” Hagrid asked and I just nodded slowly. “You seemed happier up there despite clinging to him for dear life. You look like you could use a cup of tea. Would you like one?” Hagrid offered and I nodded slowly.

“Yes, please.” I said quietly and followed him towards his little hut. Cute and quaint. I stepped inside with him, and he put a pot on.

“Very proper of you. I have heard a little bit about you from Dumbledore. If you feel overwhelmed by it all and want a little escape, you can always come down here and hang out with the animals. I normally don’t make such offers, but the trio really did a number on me.” Hagrid said.

“The trio?” I asked looking at him confused.

“Yeah, Hermione, Ron, and Harry. Those three never give me a moment to breathe sometimes but, I have a soft spot for all three of them.” Hagrid said and I looked at him still a tad confused but, with a little more understanding.

“You seem to talk like they are your own children.” I said quietly as he was handing me the cup of tea and I took a sip.

“They feel like it sometimes. Harry grew up with his aunt and uncle after losing his mom and dad. That boy didn’t grow up in a loving household. Bunch of muggles raising him without telling him about his magical abilities.” Hagrid said and my head snapped up to look at him. Wait what? He might know what it is like then. Maybe he went through something similar.

“He grew up with muggles. Non-magic people?” I asked and Hagrid nodded.

“Yes, much like you. They would not encourage him to embrace the magic he had and kept him in the dark about it.” Hagrid said. “Might I ask you something y/n?” Hagrid asked and I nodded albeit hesitant.

“They only kept you in the dark about it right? They didn’t hurt you, did they?” Hagrid asked and I felt my back straighten.

“Why are you asking sir?” I asked quietly and looked towards my lap. I want so badly for someone to treat me like I was their own. He does it with Harry and the others. Harry must have told him he was being hurt. Why else would Hagrid ask? Don’t tell him y/n. This is a bad idea. Do not tell him.

“Y/n, sometimes it’s okay to tell people what you have been through. You can’t get help if you stay quiet. No one will be able to read your mind or see what you have been through. You are in control of what you say and how much you say. If you should feel overwhelmed or like you need a breath away from the very different life here. You can come spend time with the creatures away from all of it alright?” Hagrid offered and I nodded.

“Thank you, Hagrid.” I said and sat the cup down. “I should probably get back in there before I forget how to get to the common room.” I said quietly and he gave a slight nod as I moved out of his little hut and back inside. I think it’s dinner time, isn’t it? I made my way to the great hall and to the empty seat at the Slytherin table. I looked over the spread of food and contemplated trying to eat something. I don’t know if I should. I need to. I know I need to. I know I won’t survive much longer without something in my stomach. I picked at the plate of chicken and tried to bring a small portion to my lips. I placed it in my mouth and immediately felt the urge to spit it out. Come on y/n. You need to eat. You aren’t what your family called you. Food is something you have to have in order to survive. Just chew and swallow. You need it to live. You have to eat to live.

(flashback)

~ “oink oink you pig of a daughter.” My mom said bringing the same sandwich down to my room. I felt the tears already threatening to spill out of me. Why does she do that? They only bring down one sandwich twice a day. I am not fat…am I? I don’t feel like I am. I can feel my stomach growling. I placed my hand on my stomach when my mom finally stepped inside the room.

“Try to not eat the whole thing this time. Maybe then you will fit your clothes again. Instead of your stomach poking out of the bottom of the shirts that we bought you last year.” My mother said and I looked at her with tears brimming my eyes.

“Stop the tears girl. Otherwise, I will let that be your only source of water.” My mother said and left again.

(end of flashback)

I stared at the food in front of me and pushed it around on the plate. I can’t eat. Not if I’m…

“Miss Y/n come with me please.” I heard Professor’s Snape say and I stood up and followed him.

SNAPE’S POV

This girl has been through so much. I shouldn’t still be in her head but, each memory is worse than the last. She was belittled. Grew up in this house where they hated her. She never had anyone to show her they cared. I won’t let her do this to herself. Not publicly. I guided her towards my private chambers again but, once we were in front of the door she stopped moving.

“Is this about what Parkinson said?” I asked almost mechanically. I assume she is putting up the barrier between us because of what that insolent little brat said.

“Yes.” y/n said honestly.

“If you are going to let her dictate your sense of comfort then you should reassess how you see yourself.” I said to y/n. Her hands. She is fidgeting with her hands. Her small dainty hands. Stop thinking like that Severus. Focus. She needs to eat.

“Enter.” I said to y/n not taking no for an answer and watched her step inside. Better. She at least follows the rules. I know why she follows the rules though which makes me so unbelievably mad. If I ever locate those people. If they ever try and come near this young woman again then I will kill them myself. This girl did not deserve this at all.

“Sit at the table.” I said and realized I needed to lower my voice. The last thing I want to do is intimidate her. She does not need someone to scare her. She needs someone to lean on that won’t attempt to kiss or bed her. She is- stop it. She needs someone to protect her. How I feel is completely irrelevant. I conjured up the food from the great hall for both of us and sat beside her.

“Eat.” I said. Stop is Severus. She needs to feel not threatened. Try again. “Please eat Miss y/n.” I said attempting to feel not so threatened by me. Her eyes are fixed on me as if what I am telling her is completely foreign.

“You, y/n, need to eat. We will not move until I see you at least try and eat.” I said, looking at her and I watched as she picked up the fork. After I saw her eat a bite of her food I watched as her face slowly tighten before she gave into the hunger. Good. She is realizing what she has been missing. Now I can eat without feeling like she is going to watch me.

“Y/n, if you don’t feel comfortable to eat with the others. You and I can eat in here privately until you feel comfortable.” I offered calmly. This is my safe zone in this castle away from the students and now here I am offering it to her. This is strange for me. I am putting her comfort above my own. The last time I did anything like this was for Lily. Stop thinking about Lily. She has been gone a long time and now it’s just hurting yourself. It always does.

“You really wouldn’t mind that?” Y/n asked me, and I shook my head.

“Not at all. Just until you feel comfortable to eat in the great hall.” I reminded her but, in a way, I think am reminding myself. She is not annoying like the others. She is quiet. She is inquisitive and a fast learner. She reminds me of myself strangely.

“Listen, I want to apologize for my earlier comment about it being my job to be there for you. Whereas yes, it is my responsibility to ensure your safety it is not my job to be there in the sense of talking to you or you talking to me if you need someone to lean on. I don’t offer people to lean on me. Not since the only person I trusted to do so past. However, should you need someone to open up to. Perhaps someone who may even understand your struggles. I am here for that. I am willing to let you lean on me should you ever choose to open up to someone.” I said calmly.

This is the best I can do as far as opening up to someone. She is getting the best I can offer and if she so much as chooses to ignore that offer that is on her.

“Thank you, Professor Snape.” y/n said softly. I can feel the small bit of butterflies floating about in me over her saying my name. What am I getting myself into with her? Why am I letting her cloud my judgements?

“Professor Snape?” y/n asked pulling me out of my thoughts.

“Yes?” I said putting my fork down and looked at her.

“Do you mean it? That you might relate to something I might have gone through?” Y/n asked, and I looked at her a little shocked thinking she might be opening up to me about something.

“I might but, the only way to know is if you tell me what is bothering you. It will stay between us. I don’t talk to others about my problems or others.” I said trying to find a way through to her.”

“i-“ y/n said.

Chapter Text

SNAPES POV

“I-“ y/n started but, stopped.

“I won’t rush you. Only tell me when you are ready to tell me.” I said to her. I saw her relax a little.

“I just went through a lot back home.” y/n said quietly. I don’t need her to know that I have been able to see her memories. I know only what she has thought about. I wouldn’t push further into her mind. I only wanted to see what her mind was focusing on. I only wanted to know what was making her cry during the class. She does not need to know that I was able to see those memories.

“Well, the only way for me to know what you went through is to tell me. However, if you don’t want to say I understand that too.” I said quietly.

“I just don’t want to be a burden to you or anyone for that matter. I am used to being a burden for people and I don’t want to do that.” Y/n said quietly, and I nodded.

“I am familiar with that feeling.” I said softly. Shut up Severus. She can open up to you but, you don’t need to open up to her. Why are you opening up to her. “That feeling still hasn’t gone away for me but, I have been able to manage.” I added. What are you doing? Do you really believe that it is going to make her feel better? I can’t stop asking myself these idiotic questions.

“You feel like a burden?” y/n asked softly, and I nodded. What the hell Severus. Stop telling her about your feelings. Trust no one.

“I do. Some people from my past influenced that mindset.” I said and saw her eyes soften as she looked at me. Oh great. Pity. That is not what I needed.

READERS POV

“I-“ I started again but, stopped. Can I really open up? I think I should. He is being vulnerable with me. I don’t know why. Stop looking at him like that. He doesn’t need pity. He is a grown man. I took a deep breath.

“My mother was responsible for feeding me.” I said quietly looking at the food. What is happening? Why am I opening up to him? I don’t get it. “She never brought me the same they would eat. She would bring me a small sandwich two times a day. Lunch and Dinner. That’s all she would give me.” I said quietly. Why am I opening up? He doesn’t really care about me. “It was always the same thing. She would buy me clothes to last the year but I was growing. She played mind games with me and told me I was getting fat anytime I would outgrow the clothes. It was always the same taunt. She would mock pig sounds and tell me I was fat.” I said and looked away from the food.

“That’s” Professor Snape said and stopped talking. Oh great. This is not what I needed. I should not have said a word. I should go.

“Y/n, you are not fat. You still feel like she is here in some way guiding you away from eating, don’t you?” Professor Snape asked and for a moment I didn’t expect him to say that to me. I figured it would be more like oh no let’s get this poor girl the help she so badly needs or reaching out to me to console me not that.

“Yeah. I still hear what she says to me anytime I try and eat. It’s uncomfortable.” I admitted quietly. He looked at me and then down towards the food.

“That mindset. It’s troubling. You are far from fat and even if you were your mother should have protected you from those thoughts not feed them into you.” Professor Snape said and looked down away from me.

“I don’t know what I am doing here.” I said quietly. "I was my parent’s burden and now I am turning into an even bigger one here.” I said quietly trying to stop my mind from thinking the way it is but, I can’t stop what I have gotten used to feeling.

“Can I let you in on a small secret?” Professor Snape said and I nodded. “Everyone has a moment when they feel like a burden. Myself included but, everyone has one person they can lean on to help push that feeling away.” Professor Snape said.

“Who is that person that helps you?” I asked unaware of the emotional turmoil I was stirring in Professor Snape.

“They are gone now. They have been gone for a long time.” Professor Snape said and looked towards his hands. He fidgets with his fingers the same way I do.

“You fidget with your hands?” I asked quietly which caused his hands to stop. “I didn’t mean to make you.” I started but he raised his hand to stop me from saying anything.

“I do. I noticed you do the same thing.” Professor Snape said casually. He is different with me. I figured I would have been yelled at. Everyone says he is mean and arrogant. Full of himself. They call him a dungeon bat but maybe he is just as bullied by them as I was by my parents.

“Professor Snape, why are you different with me?” I asked quietly.

“What do you mean?” Professor Snape asked, looking at me confused.

“You seem nicer. Maybe I am just going based off what I hear in their muffled comments but, people say you are cold and distant but, you are helping me. Is it because you are taking pity on me? I don’t want to be pitied.” I said calmly but quietly.

“I don’t pity you. I just see similarities between us, and I don’t want you to feel the way I did when I was around your age. I felt alone and abandoned. No one should feel that way. No one should be made to feel that way.” Professor Snape said. Not once has he reached out to touch me the way the others have. He is comforting me without touching me. The others have found some way to have some kind of physical contact with me by now, but he isn’t. He is different from the others. What am I supposed to do? Am I just supposed to sit here? Do I reach out to him? I don’t understand why I feel different with this conversation. I want him to reach out but I also don’t. I don’t understand. I feel like I can lean on him but, I also feel strangely more respected and comforted this way.

“I am a bit confused. I don’t understand emotions all that well. I only understand the more depressing side of things and this conversation and how I feel is making me confused." I admitted quietly.

“It’s because you are letting some of the weight from your past come off your shoulders and onto mine. That is normal to feel a moment where you can breathe without other things suffocating you.” Professor Snape said and I shook my head.

“That’s not what I mean. I- I don’t know. I haven’t trusted people before. I want to say I trust you but I also don’t know you. I have no clue who you are but, I guess in a way maybe I feel safe. Like you are being honest when you say you won’t say anything to anyone.” I admitted and watched his face for some kind of reaction but saw none.

“You feel safe?” Professor Snape asked and I nodded slowly. It is strange that I find talking to him safe. The lines on his face smoothed ever so slightly. His eyes almost looked as if there was a moment of relief in them but he was quick to mask them.

“Did you get enough food? Are you still hungry?” Professor Snape asked and I shook my head.

“I mean yes, I had enough to eat and no I am not hungry. I appreciate you letting me eat privately in here with you.” I said softly and looked toward the plate again. I am waiting for him to try and make that connection with me, but he never did reach out to touch me. Strange. He is not like the others.

“Yes, well when breakfast comes around you can come straight here. Don’t be late.” Professor Snape said quickly, masking any vulnerability he was showing me and I nodded and stood to leave.

“Thank you again Professor Snape.” I said quietly and left towards my dorm room trying to ignore my dormmate as she shot me a glare when I entered.

SNAPES POV

I can’t deny how beautiful Y/N is but, I do have to deny the feelings I have for her. The one’s that I am not allowed to have. The very feelings that would put her in danger. I can’t risk her the way I risked loving Lily. I won’t let this affect the small amount of trust she has in me. I can’t. She opened up to me. She said she felt safe with me. I haven’t felt the need to protect someone so strongly before. This means more to me than I want her to ever know.

It took everything in me not to reach out to her. To not try and hold her. I cannot feel this way for her. She is still a student. A strong and resilient one despite being so mentally wounded. Despite her attempt to end her own life. She is still here. That means something. I will do everything within my power to make sure she stays safe. Even from herself.

I won’t let my emotions affect how I care for her. I need her to be safe from herself. Her memories are impacting her happiness. I want to be there for her and tell her she is okay. I want to hold her and tell her I am here for her. She doesn’t need me to hold her though. She needs someone who is willing to stay at an arms distance so she can come on her own terms. She doesn’t need me to be like the others. I won’t stop her from leaning on the others even if it hurts to watch her grow attached to them. I just have a flicker of hope that she will attach to me too.

I haven’t felt the need to have someone in my life like this since Lily. This almost feels like a punishment. A test to my devotion to Lily. Y/n is starting to become a new worry. She is running through my mind like Lily once did. Like she still is. I can’t do this again. Just the small amount she has opened up to me with has me longing to hear more of her story. To get closer to her. She said she felt safe with me and the flutter in my chest is horrifying. She is already getting under my skin. I want her to come to me. I will be patient. I can be patient. It will happen. Just let her come to me on her own terms. I kept repeating this to myself as I laid down and eventually fell asleep.

READERS POV

I tossed and turned all night. I couldn’t sleep. Not after what I told Professor Snape. Am I wrong to feel safe enough to open up to him? I feel like I have to be on high alert now. Like at any point he is going to run off and tell the others that are there to help me that I was fat shamed by my mother and that I don’t like to eat because I believed her when she said I was fat. That I still struggle to eat.

I turned onto my back when I heard the alarm go off that signaled the start of another day. I didn’t sleep at all. I am too afraid of the nightmares I will have. I can’t sleep. It’s Tuesday and the lack of sleep is going to make today miserable. Should I just go to the great hall for breakfast or should I actually take him up on the idea of eating the meals privately with him. I might feel the need to open up more if I am alone with him. I do feel safe surprisingly. I wouldn’t open up to him or feel safe with him if I couldn’t trust him, right? I never was a good judge of character. However, with him, it does feel right. I do think I can trust him. I do feel safe with him. You know what, I am going to his chambers for breakfast. He said it was alright and to be completely honest with myself I want to try and eat breakfast. The rumble in my stomach is a lot harder to ignore. I got up and grabbed my uniform and made my way to the bathroom and showered quickly before getting dressed and took my dirty clothes back to my room and put them in the small hamper that was given to me before making my way to his private chambers and knocking.

SNAPES POV

Is that her? Did she come back? I can feel my heart racing. What the hell is happening to me. Stop this Severus. Stop feeling this way for her. I stood up from the chair with my coffee in hand and opened the door and let her inside. I used my wand to summon a house elf who brought plates from the great hall here and left quickly with a pop.

“What was that?” y/n asked with wide eyes. Right, she is not familiar with everything here. It is almost cute how little she knows of the wizarding world.

“That is a house elf. They are the ones that do the cooking and cleaning of Hogwarts. Some families have them if they have the funds for them.” I said and gestured for her to sit.

“This place is so strange.” y/n said and sat down across from me. Her eyes are truly beautiful. The depth in them is unlike anything I have seen in them before. Her hair is still wet. It is starting to coil a little. She has naturally curly hair? It frames her face to make it appear slightly rounder but the framing pieces rest on the tops of her cheeks. It is beautiful.

“Did you sleep alright?” I asked quietly. I saw the look of contemplation on her face as if she were thinking of lying to me. “Don’t lie to me. I can see you debating on being honest with me.” I said cautiously and I saw a slight pink on her face come across it. My heart is pounding against my chest. Merlin. She gets even more beautiful when she is blushing. Stop thinking that way Severus.

“I didn’t sleep.” Y/n said softly.

“At all?” I asked looking over my cup at her as I took another sip of my coffee trying to calm myself down. The slight dark circles under her eyes become more visible to me and I shifted slightly. The small flakes of yellow in her brown eyes make them look like honey. If the sun shined just right at them, they would look even more beautiful.

“Nope. I couldn’t sleep. It kind of unsettles me the uncertainty of what trusting you means. I have never been able to trust or feel safe with someone before. It scares me.” y/n admitted quietly, and I felt a growing respect for her honesty. I can understand her fear. She hasn’t had someone to protect her properly before. I understand her fear. More than she thinks. It’s the same fear I have when I realized I opened up to her yesterday even just a little. She could use any information I give her against me.

“I meant it when I said what we talk about stays between us. No one will ever know what we talk about y/n. You have my word.” I said looking into her eyes as best as I could. She keeps looking away from me. Her family must have used eye contact as a way to intimidate her.

“Thank you. I do appreciate that.” She said softly and I watched her finally take a bite of the food on her plate and I did the same to try and continue to keep her nerves down. The way she is eating with small bites. The small amount of food piling in the corner of her lips is cute. What the hell has happened to me. I feel like a schoolboy with a crush. This is terrible. I grabbed my napkin and reached across the table and lightly wiped the corner of her mouth and her eyes widened again. She is looking at me with those chocolate brown eyes. The faint yellow looks slightly orange in her eyes. It is captivating. My hand lingered on her for a moment before I pulled it away and went back to drinking my coffee and eating as if that were a normal thing for me to have done.

She cleared her throat lightly and sat back a little before sipping on the water. Her eyes were still looking at me. I want to look at her again but, I can feel a strange warmth in my chest. Focus on your food Severus. Do not look at her. Do not look into those beautiful eyes. God Severus you are going to be as bad as Sirius and Narcissa if you keep thinking such things. She needs you for support not for as a love-struck person. What did I just say? Love-struck? No. Absolutely not. I did not just say that word in association with her. I cannot be in love. Not with y/n. Get your head out of your ass Severus. You need to clear your head.

“Finished?” I asked quietly and she nodded. “You should get to your classes then miss y/n.” I said and stood up to walk her to the door and out of my chambers. I watched her leave and looked her over as she left. I did not just do that. I stepped out of my private chambers and locked the door with the wave of my wand letting her get up the stairs for her classes before making my way to my potions class of first years. This is torment. I stepped inside striding towards my desk when I noticed heads quickly snapping and looking towards the desk. Fear in the first-year student’s eyes is perfect for me. I love causing some of them fear.

SIRIUS BLACKS POV

There she is in Minerva’s class. I wonder how she is doing. She looks like she is doing better. I wonder if I should ask her to come to dinner with me tonight. Would she even want that? Maybe I need to back off. Nope, I can’t. I am already too invested into her. I can still feel her lips on mine. I want to kiss her again. I want to tell her how much I enjoyed holding her close. The feeling of her hair running through my fingers. It was so soft. I want to run my fingers through it again. Tell her how beautiful it is.

“Is she in there?” I turned to see Narciss and Lucius beside me. Oh great.

“Yes, she is. What are you two doing here?” I asked a bit cold and distant.

“We wanted to see her. See how she was handling the classes.” Narcissa said and I looked at her with a raised eyebrow.

“Liars.” I muttered towards them.

“Alright, fine. We wanted to take her out for the evening and get away from school. Draco has mentioned overhearing the girls here are bullying her. We wanted to give her a night away from it.” Narcissa said and shot me a look.

“What are you doing here Sirius?” Lucius asked me and I stepped back a little.

“I was also just coming to see how she was holding up.” I said not telling them that I was going to offer to take her to dinner. They don’t need to know that. These to cannot be trusted. Perhaps y/n needs to be warned not to trust these two.

“I don’t believe you. Why are you really here?” Lucius asked me and I shot him a look.

“Lucius, he was going to do the same thing we are going to do clearly. We all smelled her in the Amortentia and let’s face it. The three of us are the only ones that can act on it. Of course, he is here to try and play his hand at her.” Narcissa said and I shot her a glare when the students started to make their way out of their first period class and moved to their second one. As y/n came out she looked at the three of us for a moment and I watched as Narcissa reached out to lightly touch her arm.

“Y/n, might we talk to you a moment?” Narcissa asked y/n, and I huffed a little bit and walked away. Fine another day.

Chapter Text

NARCISSA’S POV

Y/n looked at me and stopped trying to walk away with a slight nod.

“Yes Mrs. Malfoy?” Y/n said, and I smiled.

“Just Narcissa is fine. Lucius and I wanted to take you out after your classes today. Get you some fresh air. Is that something you would like?” I asked hopeful she wouldn’t push us away after the moment we shared in my room. I can’t stop thinking about the brief moment. I keep wondering how far things could have gone is Lucius had not come in.

“Is that allowed? For me to leave Hogwarts on a school night?” Y/n asked softly, and I nodded.

“Of course. You are of age and that is your choice. We will make sure to bring you back before the curfew.” I said and I saw her nod and I gave her a smile. “We will be back after your last class then. We will give you time to change into something more comfortable than your school uniform as well. Maybe one of the outfits I have gifted?” I suggested and I saw a faint blush appear on her cheeks. My she is gorgeous when she blushes.

“I can do that. Is there a particular one you are wanting?” Y/n asked, and I smiled.

“What about the black fitted dress that has the shorter sleeves with that Dark green coat? I think I even snuck in some black thicker heeled boots in there as well. I think it would look lovely on you for tonight.” I said and saw her smile slightly and nod. She is going to look beautiful in it I just know it. Lucius and I won’t be able to take our eyes off her all night in that outfit.

“I can do that.” Y/n said, and I gave her a final smile and nod and reached for her hand giving it a light squeeze.

“We will see you in a few hours y/n.” I said and placed my hand on Lucius’ again and walked him back out of Hogwarts before we apparated home. His eyes locked with mine and he smiled.

“Picking out what she wears?” Lucius said teasingly towards me.

“She is going to look stunning, and I know we won’t be able to take our eyes off her.” I said and his smile only grew.

“My darling. It seems like you have quite the agenda in mind. Is there something else you are planning tonight for this little dinner?” Lucius asked at me and I blushed slightly.

“Perhaps there is.” I said shyly.

“Are you going to make another move on y/n?” Lucius asked and the blush deepened.

“It may have crossed my mind to see if she would be interested in coming home with us and seeing one or both of us privately. Even if it doesn’t consist of entire play something seems better than nothing.” I told my husband honestly.

“We shall see. She still seems on edge to the idea. Well, that was until I tried to encourage it.” Lucius said and I nodded.

“I don’t want to scare her off but, I still think about how she leaned into me even just slightly.” I said and he nodded.

“Don’t be upset if she says no Narcissa.” Lucius warned me and I nodded, understanding why he was preparing me for that. It’s just something about her that I can’t get off my mind. Maybe it’s the way she smells. The way she trembles slightly. If she is going to look as beautiful as I think she is perhaps I should try and find something similar. I want to look my best for my husband and this new friend. Y/n has become a different thought to me. Lucius acts as if he is truly understanding but I kind of wish he was just a tad jealous. He seems almost too calm over this. He smelled her scent too so I know he must want to explore this as well. Will we come back to each other if she gives either of us the time of day? Will this divide us in our marriage? What’s going to happen if Draco finds out? I am starting to second guess if we should do this.

READERS POV

Did I just say yes to dinner with both Narcissa and Lucius? Am I going crazy? What about my dinner plans with Professor Snape. Do those count as real plans? I almost feel like I am betraying him in a way if I go. Is it betrayal? Maybe he wants to have his meal alone again. Or perhaps he wants to eat in the great hall with his colleagues. I am so confused. Why did I say yes? I don’t want to be rude and tell them no. They did invite me but, I-I think I would rather spend my meal with Professor Snape. He seems safer to me. I don’t want to come off rude. Why was Sirius Black standing with the Malfoys? I don’t understand why I said yes. Had it been Narcissa alone maybe I wouldn’t feel like I am betraying Professor Snape. Why is he so different from the others? He hasn’t tried to touch me. He hasn’t attempted to do anything other than talk to me. To get me to open up to him. I feel like I am on autopilot for these classes because they are going by fast and the end of the day is approaching but, my mind is focusing on whether I am betraying Professor Snape’s trust. I feel like I am letting him down. I don’t want to let him down. He-he seems like a friend. I don’t want to hurt a friend.

Would they be upset if I tried to decline their offer now?

“Y/n are you alright?” Sirius Black approached me and asked.

“Yes, sorry Sir Black. I was just lost in thought.” I said and gave him a small smile remembering the kiss we shared. His lips are still chapped. The kiss felt good but it would have been better if his lips had been smooth. Professor Snape’s lips looked smooth. He looks smooth somehow despite having some of his skin look rough. His dark eyes are just beautiful. I can’t look him in the eyes. I feel like my stomach ends up in my throat. Maybe, he doesn’t like me the same way Narcissa and Sirius seem to like me. I felt my face drop a little with the thought. I want Professor Snape to look at me the way these two do. What am I saying? He is my professor. He is being exactly what I need, which is a support system. I can’t help but want to lean on him though.

“Something on your mind bothering you love?” Sirius asked me, pulling me from my thoughts. I felt the blush appear on my face slightly out of embarrassment of not having paid much attention to him.

“I don’t think I am feeling all that well.” I said quietly. It’s true at least. I am not feeling well. The idea of abandoning Professor Snape doesn’t make me feel good. I wonder if he would have felt guilty if the roles had been reversed and he was supposed to go to dinner with others and cancel eating with me. He wouldn’t, would he? He probably would go without a second thought. Yet here I am anxious for the idea of being separated from him for one meal. He wouldn’t really care for me. I am just a job to him. At least that is what he said the first time. He did apologize for that though and told me that I was allowed to open up to him and he was offering despite him not having too. What am I going to do?

“I can tell Lucius and Narcissa you are not feeling well if you would rather stay here than go out tonight.” Sirius offered and I thought about it for a moment before slowly nodding.

“I don’t want to make them upset but, I think it might be better to stay in a lay down for a little while.” I said quietly.

“Don’t worry. They will understand.” Sirius said. He seemed very eager to tell them I wasn’t able to go. Perhaps this would be a mistake, and I should just tell them myself that I don’t really feel up to leaving. I saw an owl coming in towards me and I moved to get out of the way but, a letter dropped in front of me and my eyebrows drew together in confusion.

“That is how we communicate here love. It seems as though the Malfoy’s have sent you a letter. That is their family crest that seals it.” Sirius said and I nodded. How strange. How very strange. I opened the letter and let out a little sigh of relief. They had written to me to tell me they needed to reschedule the dinner. Good now I don’t feel so guilty.

“Looks like I was not the only one not feeling well. They want to reschedule which is alright with me.” I said quietly and I saw Sirius’ smile fade. I knew it. He was eager to tell them that I wasn’t interested in going. I don’t care much for someone with a proud attitude.

“Well, I guess you have a free evening. I will be around if you need someone.” Sirius said and I gave him a polite nod before walking towards my dorm to set my stuff down. By the time I made it in I saw a couple of girls going through the small amount of belongings I came to Hogwarts with.

“What are you doing?” I asked the group of girls, and they all turned to me and held my journal in my hand I used as a kid.

“Poor me. Beaten by mommy and daddy because you weren’t loved by them.” One taunted and I quickly moved to try and grab my book.

“Give it back.” I said, trying to stay calm but I was feeling my anxious by the second.

“Mommy can’t find where my magic is at. Just wish they would love me.” Another girl began to taunt, and I felt the tears falling down my face.

“Stop. Please just give it back to me.” I said loud enough that someone had come into the room and raised their wand towards the girls.

“Give it back to her Parkinson. Leave her alone. That is private.” Draco had said and Pansy had scoffed before physically throwing it at me causing it to hit me in the face.

“Your mommy and daddy should have ended you to keep you away. You failed them but, they failed the world by not just ending your miserable life.” Pansy said and walked with her friends out of the room. Draco looked at me and picked the book off the floor handing it to me.

“Are you alright?” He asked me softly and I quickly moved out of the room grabbing the book from him and moved out of Hogwarts. All of this was a mistake. I shouldn’t be here. I am a burden. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to go through this. I can’t do this. I am not good enough to be here or strong enough to handle the bullies. Why would anyone choose to be here if there are people willingly going out of their way to harm people. I didn’t stop moving until I found a bench at the edge of the forbidden forest and sat down on it, burying my face in my hands. I was a mistake. I was my parents’ mistake. They didn’t want me. I don’t know who I am trying to fool by being here. I don’t know why I would think any of them could really care for me. I am a mistake, and I am nothing but, a mistake.

I felt the tears flowing down my face and wiped them away before clutching the journal in my hand. I knew writing any of this down would bite me in the ass. I can’t do anything right. Why the hell am I like this?

“Miss y/n what are you doing out here this late?” I heard Hagrid’s voice and turned to face him trying to hide that I was crying. “Oh.” He said and moved to sit with me. “Well, then I will sit with you a moment.” Hagrid said and sat beside me. I felt his large hand pull me closer to him and he guided my head to rest on him. “I have heard I give good hugs.” Hagrid said casually and I rested my head on him giving in quickly. He is not asking me to talk, which I appreciate. I am not in the right headspace to talk about anything. I don’t want to talk about anything. I wiped my nose as some of the tears gathered there and my nose started to run causing me to sniffle. This poor man is going to get my snot on him.
“Sorry.” I mumbled and I heard a deep rumble of a laugh come from him.

“Don’t worry about it. It is not the first time I have had tears and snot on my shirt. This time it is yours. It will be alright.” Hagrid said and I found myself laughing a little. He is kind. He feels like a teddy bear. Smells like one too. Kind of gross. The mulch and animal like smell is definitely strong and I can smell it through the stuffed nose. Gross. Don’t say that though.

“What’s bothering you miss y/n?” Hagrid asked and I looked at him and shook my head slowly. I don’t know if I should tell anyone anything. “The only thing I will say is if you suffer in silence no one can give you a proper shoulder to cry on.” Hagrid added and I nodded a little.

“Some of the girls were going through my stuff and found my journal.” I said quietly. “It’s the only place I felt safe for a long time, and they read through it and started to bully me over it.” I said sniffling. I felt Hagrid’s body shift and he stood up.

“Those little – listen here y/n. You don’t let them do that to you.” Hagrid said and his accent got a little thicker. “Now, I won’t tell Dumbledore this time or worse Snape since he seems to have most of these kids afraid of him but, you don’t let them do that to you.” Hagrid said and my eyes widened.

“No please don’t say anything. I don’t want to get anyone into trouble.” I said and saw Hagrid’s face relax before dropping to a saddened expression.

“Don’t protect those that bully you y/n. They don’t need to be protected. They need to not torment you. I don’t know what all you have faced but it was enough on its own. They do not need to make you feel unwanted here. That is not the case.” Hagrid said and I felt the tears brimming my eyes again. I am so sick of crying. “It is nearly curfew. You need to get inside before you get inside miss y/n.” Hagrid said, and I nodded.

“Thank you for letting me – I guess cry on you.” I said laughing a little as I wiped my face once again.

“Keep your head up miss y/n. Don’t let those mean girls bring you down.” Hagrid said and I nodded leaving to go into Hogwarts again. I felt my feet dragging. I didn’t want to be inside that dorm room with the others again. I don’t exactly have a choice though, do I? Just get into the room and lay down. Try and block out whatever they try and tell you. Hide the journal in a new place or under the pillow so you can feel if someone tries to grab it again. I will be okay. I have to be okay. Hagrid is right. I can’t let them get to me. Wait. I almost forgot I was to meet professor Snape for dinner. I don’t want him to worry that I didn’t eat or that I just didn’t show up. He was the one that cared for me after I attempted to take my own life. Would he be worried if I didn’t show up? Would he come looking for me? I don’t want to abandon having dinner with him. I don’t know what to do. I can feel myself tiring out at the idea. I still have to attend dinner. He already told me it is mandatory.

Chapter Text

READERS POV

I don’t want to show up to dinner with my journal in my hand but, I don’t feel like I can just leave it in my room now either. I feel incredibly violated and vulnerable now that those three have read parts of my journal. I just want to crawl up and hide. I don’t want them to see me. I don’t really have a choice. I either have to go to the great hall or go eat with Professor Snape. If I were going to pick which one – well, I am picking to eat privately with Professor Snape. I started to make my way towards his chambers trying to avoid looking up past the ground. Just look at the floor and where I am going. You don’t have to look at anything else. You will get there. I heard murmurs from people and heard my name come up a few times but, ignored it and only sped up.

As soon as I found myself in front of Professor Snape’s door before, I had the chance to knock he had opened the door and let me inside.

“Thanks.” I said quietly and stepping inside and heard the door close and lock beside me.

“Miss y/n, I have heard some-“ Professor snape paused and then looked at me. “Alarming things.” Professor Snape said and waited for me to respond. It gets around quickly, doesn’t it?

“May I ask what?” I said and looked at him hoping I did not have to explain anything.

“I heard some people talking about some of the things you may have been through.” Professor Snape said and I felt my heart drop. The tears had started to fall fast. No please. I don’t want to talk about this. I feel like I can’t breathe. My chest hurts. No. I don’t want to talk about this.

“Breath y/n.” Professor Snape said and looked at me. I shook my head not able to calm myself down. What all did they say? They couldn’t have read that much. No this can’t be happening. They can’t have told everyone that quickly. What did they say? What did they read. No please no.

“I am going to touch you.” Professor Snape said and before I could respond for him not to reach out to me his hand wrapped around my wrist and pulled me into him. He wrapped his arms around me slowly and guided my head to rest on his chest. He started to rub my back and that is what caused me to let out a loud and strangled sob. I can’t think straight. I don’t want this to be happening. This is a different type of hell.

“It’s going to be alright. I will handle this. I will take care of this. You have my word.” I heard Professor Snapes words through my loud sobs, and I wrapped my arms around him tight. Don’t let go. Please don’t let me go.

SNAPES POV

I will put an end to those rotten people. The things I have heard people say. They must have some ounce of truth. Look at the state y/n is in. Her book fell when she wrapped her arms around me. That must be the book they were referring to. It’s her journal. If anyone thinks she is going to stay any where but, with me now they can kiss my – stop Severus. This is going to be okay. I will take care of it.

“I swear it.” I said calmly and continued to hold her. I won’t let her go. Not until she lets me go first. She needs me. She needs someone to hold her and be there for her. I will be that person for her. I will hold her all night if that is what she needs. I will not let her go through this alone. I won’t let these girls get away with the destruction they have caused. The things they said. I worry. I need to see but I don’t want to push her. I need to see the marks. I need to see the amount of destruction her mother and father have caused her. I went off my instinct and rubbed her back and before I could stop myself I kissed the top of her head and pulled her closer to me. I held her tight against my chest. I won’t let anyone hurt her again. I will protect her with everything I can.

“Y/n. I know you aren’t ready. I will be patient but, if what they are saying is true. I want to help you heal those marks your parents have given you.” I said quietly with great caution. I felt her stiffen as my dress robes became soaked with a new wave of her tears. This poor young woman has been through so much. I won’t be someone who hurts her.

“I – I can’t Sir. I’m sorry I just can’t. I don’t want to show you. I can’t have you look at me like I am broken.” Y/n said through tears. I tightened my grip on her. I won’t force her. When she is ready, she will let me help her heal. I have to believe that she will not force herself into this silent pain forever. She will trust me eventually. She must trust me eventually.

“Take your time. I will never force you to do something you cannot do.” I said calmly and continued to rub her back. I felt her relax further into me despite her tears. I kept my eyes on the journal she dropped. I could hide it but I don’t want to break her trust further. I want her to open up to me on her own. I won’t hurt her. I won’t do what the others have done to her. What else is in there? They said it was filled with cruelty but there is no way they managed to read every page.

“Please. Please don’t make me tell you what is in the journal.” Y/n said through sobs. Can she tell that I am staring at it?

 “If you don’t want to tell me I understand but, might I?” I started to ask but felt her tense up. “Never mind. Forget that I asked.” I said quickly trying to ease her but, I felt her pull away and grab her journal. I noticed her grip was practically white on it. “It’s alright. I won’t ask again.” I said trying to ease her but, her eyes never left her journal. I watched her face shift from one look of pain to the next. What I didn’t expect is for her to slowly offer her journal to me. “Y/n, only do this if it is sure you want to.” I said ready to push it away and her grip lightened a little.

“I – I don’t know how to let people in. I’m scared but, you said that you” Y/n started and stopped. I can’t relate to this kind of torture but I want to be here for her. I will try and understand but, I know whatever is in this journal is going to make me livid.

“I won’t break this trust.” I said and slowly grabbed the journal from her. “Are you going to feel okay going into the dorm? Or would you rather stay in that room again?” I asked softly and looked at her debating whether or not she would rather stay then go back and be further ridiculed by her peers.

“May I stay?” Y/n asked, and I nodded.

“Yes, do you remember the door to the room, or do you want to stay up longer?” I asked and she shook her head and walked towards the room. I held her journal in my hand keeping a tight hold on it. This. She is trusting me with a small part of her past. I heard the door click shut and I moved to sit on the chair in my sitting room and opened up the journal.

~Journal Entry~

They finally agreed to give me a journal. Mom doesn’t let me have anything other than clothes that are too small for me. She threw it at my head. It hurt. I don’t understand why she wont sit with me. She told me I was her mistake again. That she regretted having me. I don’t know why she says mean things like that. I just want her to love me. I want her to care for me. I see how affectionate she is with my sisters, and she doesn’t treat me like them. She says my magic makes me evil. That I shouldn’t have it. That’s why she won’t love me. She brought a knife into the room today. She said she was going to try and find where my magic is and take it out so I can be her daughter again. That she would be able to want me again.

She dragged it across my stomach for over an hour. I don’t remember it happening, but I guess I passed out and it scared her, so she left and got my dad. When I woke up, I was in pain because he told her she wasn’t looking in the right spots. That is had to have been in my head somewhere. I woke up to him pulling me up by my hair and he cut it all off. I didn’t have any hair anymore. He started to cut at my temple before I passed out again. I woke up alone in this room with marks along my head and stomach. It hurts so much. I don’t want to move because it’s sore.

~End of journal entry~

You have got to be some sick bastard to harm a child. To belittle her. To strip her of her hair and believe that you can get rid of magic by cutting it out of her. I cant. I closed the book at sat it down on the end table before standing up and making my way over to my kitchenette. I grabbed the fire whiskey out of the cabinet and a glass and poured myself a cup. What the hell else in that book. If that is the first entry. What else has this young woman endured? I brought the cup to my lips and took a drink before moving back to the chair and sat back down grabbing the journal.

~ Journal Entry two~

They took the pencil away. The pain was becoming so unbearable that I tried to stab myself with it. I had almost gotten it deep enough in one of the cuts to do something but, they stopped me when they saw what I was doing. My father ripped the pencil out of my arm and brought it towards my eye telling me I was a coward for wanting to end my life instead of help look for the magic. That it was my fault that I couldn’t be a good daughter for them. That I couldn’t just be normal. He dropped the pencil from his hand, but he punched me in the nose. I heard a crack coming from it and I cried for hours. I was in so much pain, but he punched me in the stomach too. Right over the fresh wounds. Any that had scabbed over opened again. He laughed in my face but he started to cut at my head again until I past out. I woke up with a headache.

~End of second Journal Entry~

I want to string these people up. I can’t believe this. I flipped through the journal noticing the pages were covered front to back. She documented her torture. She wrote everything she had been through and those girls. Those girls in her dorm room opened up so much trauma and used it to bully her. I finished my drink putting the journal back down and stood up. I just. I need to see her. I need to hold her. She needs someone to hold her. I can’t read any more of that tonight.

I made my way to the second room and knocked on the door. “Y/n, are you awake?” I called out and I heard her sniffling. She is awake.

“Yes.” I heard her say softly.

“May I come in?” I asked her.

“Yes.” y/n said quietly. She needs to learn to speak up but now is not the time. I turned the handle and pushed the door open and stepped into her room. I moved towards the bed and sat beside her despite it making my skin feel like it was burning from intrusion. I won’t let my own problems stop her from getting the comfort she needs. I adjusted myself onto the bed better and sat behind her and pulled her back against my chest and held her tightly resting my head against hers. I didn’t say anything but, I heard her start to cry once again. I just kept my arms around her and held her tight.

“I won’t let anything like that ever happen to you again. You have my word.” I said quietly to her and her grip on me tightened more. I will never let her out of my sight. I am going to have to talk to Albus about her. She doesn’t need special treatment, but I won’t let her sleep in a dorm where she is getting bullied. I won’t let her hurt herself. She might try again, and I won’t let her do that. I won’t lose her. She is worth putting myself in danger for. She is worth Albus yelling at me for getting attached to another person. I don’t care just how attached I have gotten. I only read two of those journal entries and I would end those insufferable people’s lives who have brought torment to her. I won’t stand for in. She is shaking. She is crying so hard that she is shaking. She is moving. No wait she is turning to face me. I felt her push me down to lay under her slightly and her arms wrapped around me. This young woman. She is going to get me killed and I would die a million times for her as long as it meant she never went through that kind of pain again. She is holding onto me so tight but, at least she is calming down. Her cries have turned into soft sniffles, and her grip is getting looser. Oh. Is she? She is falling asleep on me. Her eyes are so puffy from crying so much. Do I move? Do I just stay and hold her all night? I don’t want to disturb her. I’m stuck here holding her. She is on top of me and I – I don’t think I mind this.

Chapter Text

SNAPES POV

I looked down at her as she dozed off. I continue to rub her back feeling that small hitch in her breath from crying finally stops. She looks so peaceful. I don’t want to ruin this moment for her. I want to be here for her to chase her nightmares away. To make her forget what has happened to her. She is starting to mean something to me she shouldn’t. This is becoming dangerous Severus. You are getting close to her. You are putting her in danger by caring about her. If the dark lord were to find out, then he would use her against you. I don’t want to be his little minion anymore. I can’t. I would rather spend my time fighting her demons then fighting him. I don’t want to deal with Albus either. I don’t want to be on either side. I want to be on her side. I want to be on the side that matters and that is hers. That’s why I must continue doing this. I must protect her. Even if it means protecting her from myself. Damn it Severus. You are doing this to yourself.

Her head is nuzzling into my chest. I moved her hair off her face and ran my fingers through it. Her hair is soft. I won’t let her down. I won’t let her stay in that room of bullies. I won’t let her become like me. Broken and alone. I wouldn’t wish that on my worst enemy. Her skin is soft. I didn’t stop myself this time. I placed a kiss on the top of her head.

“I will protect you with my life y/n. I swear it.” I whispered to her as she slept. She deserves a protector. I am completely infatuated with her. The way she smells. The way she is laying on top of me is already so close but still nuzzles her face into me to try and get impossibly closer. The way her hands are gripping onto me while she sleeps. The small snores and the little pool of drool. Despite that normally grossing me out it is rather cute when it is hers. I am going to fall for her if I don’t try and remain some type of professional barrier with her.

Do I really want to push her away and put that wall up? No. No I do not. I must. I won’t. I can’t. Look at how attached she is getting to me. I smiled a little bit when I remember hearing that she was going to cancel on Lucius and Narcissa and choose me to have dinner with instead. She chose me. Ha. I always knew I was better company than those two, but this made me feel better. I wonder if she was worried about letting me down. The way I was too nervous to let her down. I made that meeting with the Dark Lord incredibly quick. I left too fast. I wonder if he already suspects the change. I wonder if he already knows that I am growing an attachment to someone. He knew of Lily, and she is dead.

My heart is racing and my grip on y/n tightened. I will kill him myself if he tries. I won’t let him hurt her. I won’t let him anywhere near her. She is mine. No. Don’t think that. She is not property. She is a person. I want her to be mine. Go to sleep Severus. She is safe with me. She is safe in my arms. I can do this. Just take a deep breath and fall asleep. You can do it.

READERS POV

I woke up pressed against someone and well rested. I looked at the robes under my hand. Right. I crawled onto Professor Snape and fell asleep. He didn’t push me away. How much did he read before he came in here? He just held me all night. I didn’t dream of anything last night. No memories woke me up. He held me all night. If that is how I won’t wake up and I can actually sleep then I want to sleep like this more. He will never know how much this meant to me. I slowly adjusted my head to look up towards him.

He looks a lot more at peace when he is asleep. He doesn’t have that scowl. He isn’t frowning. He just looks relaxed. I wonder if he would let me stay like this if he knew I was awake. Something about him. I don’t know. I just – I trust him. It’s not about wanting to trust hum. I just do. He seems amazing. He acts like he understands. Maybe not how I went through it but, he read what he did and came in here and held me. He didn’t try and use that vulnerability against me. He just held me and rubbed my back. He cared for me in a way I am not familiar with.

I – I don’t know what I did to deserve him but, I am incredibly grateful. What is like to fall in love with someone? Is it immediate? He snores. It’s rather cute. His mouth is parted only slightly. His breath is foul but, I don’t mind. I am sure mine is too. I don’t want to move. I heard a small noise around me somewhere and I realized it was an alarm. Oh great. Another day of classes and snickering from my peers. This isn’t going to be a good day. I never returned to the dorm. They are going to think I am sleeping with Professor Snape.

Well, I-uh, I did but not the way they are going to think. I am not exactly sure what sex is. I know of it. I just have never had it or have seen it. My family was very closed off about it but, some of the anatomy and biology books I read talk about it. I don’t get why anyone would want that. I slowly shifted my weight off Professor Snape as the alarm got louder and to my surprise I felt his grip on me tighten and him pull me back into him.

“Just stay a little longer.” Professor Snape said and I could feel the heat rushing to my face. Oh.

“Okay.” I whispered and continued to look at him. He smells good. It smells like cedarwood and a bit like maple. Just like in the Amortentia. Is he who I smelt? Is that how that works? I understand that it can help discover our deepest desire. Would I consider Professor Snape my deepest desire? I would say being loved and cared for is my deepest desire. Perhaps it just comes in the form of Professor Snape. I don’t mind it at all. I want to be in his arms. Is he able to love me? Am I even able to love? He deserves someone who can. I think I just long for someone to love me. I have no clue how to love someone. Not the way he would need.

I am going to drive myself crazy. Feeling like that for a professor is insane. He pulled me closer again. I can’t stop the smile that has spread across my face. This is really sweet. I want to stay like this forever. I feel safe in his arms.

“You are staring y/n.” Professor Snape said, and I blushed and looked away.

“I apologize. I didn’t mean to.” I said quietly, trying to not be too loud first thing in the morning.

“You are overthinking. It is alright. I stared at you when you were sleeping too. You drool.” Professor Snape and my mouth parted slightly, and I sat up.

“I do not.” I said, wiping my mouth mortified at the thought I drooled on him and I heard a deep rumble next to me and realized he was laughing. It is not funny. Wait, he is laughing. I looked back at him and saw his smile. A genuine smile for Professor Snape. Oh my. It’s beautiful. His laugh is beautiful. I take it back. If embarrassing me makes him smile and laugh, he can do it all he wants. I have never heard anything so beautiful before.

“You do. I have the spot on my chest to prove it.” Professor Snape said and pointed to the small wet spot, and I held my face as it heated up more.
“That’s mortifying. I am so sorry.” I said and he sat up and pulled my hands off my cheeks and ran his thumbs over the top of my hands as he held them which made me blush more.

“Don’t be sorry. It wasn’t nearly as bad as your snoring.” Professor Snape said still smiling. Is this man teasing me? That smile. I could get lost in it.

“I do not snore.” I said only to hear him laugh again and I could feel my heart racing. As embarrassed as I am, I just want to keep hearing him laugh.

“It’s adorable.” He said quietly after settling down and looking at me. I felt his fingers on my cheek and then he pushed some hair behind my ear. This is a very different side to Professor Snape. I want to see it all the time. I want to see him like this all the time. It’s just become my favorite moment.

“You snore too.” I said and he let out a light chuckle and I could feel my eyes softening as I watched him laugh. He is amazing. Someone genuine in the middle of this place. He may be hard in front of everyone, but he is growing soft with me. Please stay like this. Can I live in this moment with him forever? Where he seems relaxed and lighter than he has been.

“We need to get up and get freshened up. I will talk to Dumbledore about this being the sleeping arrangement for you because of the bullies. We don’t tolerate bullies here and if this is where you feel safe, I will make sure it can happen if it is what you want.” Professor Snape said. I don’t want to pry on his safe space away from the students. Granted if I am getting moments like this with him all the time, I think he may have to suffer with me. He is not acting like me being here is a problem though.

“Would you really be okay with that? I know this is your private chambers. I don’t want to ruin your privacy with being in it.” I said quietly, still feeling a bit anxious about ruining his privacy.

“I am okay with-it y/n. You are different from the others. You remind me of myself a little and if you turn out like me then that would be because I turned my head the other way and let you back into that room with those bullies and I won’t do that.” Professor Snape said. Does he not like himself? What does he mean? I hope he realizes the impact he has had on me in such a short time. I can’t help but wonder if he realizes the changes this has made for me. The impact he has had on me. He has changed so much for me in such a short time.

“Then yes please. I would rather stay here as long as it is okay, and I wouldn’t be a burden to you.” I said and immediately I felt his hands on my face cupping it and his thumbs running over the tops of my cheeks.

“You are not a burden to me. You would and could never be a burden to me.” Professor Snape said looking into my eyes. My heart feels like it is beating a mile a minute. I can feel my eyes getting glossy with tears. Please mean that. Please dear god mean that. I can’t handle how quickly I am growing attached to him. I need him to mean that.

“Please don’t – don’t say that if it is not true.” I said quietly as a couple tears slipped, and I felt his thumbs wiping them away.

“I do not say things I do not mean.” Professor Snape said and against my flight mode and wanting to run I moved towards him and hugged him. I really care about him. It scares me. No, it terrifies me how much I want him to mean that. Please don’t ever push me away. Please keep your arms around me.

“Lets get freshened up and I will make sure they bring us a couple plates of food for breakfast unless you are ready to start eating in the great hall that is.” Professor Snape said. I am not ready to join the others. Not when I can have you all to myself.

SNAPES POV:

Don’t be ready. I much prefer to have you all to myself. I won’t keep her from joining the others but I won’t force her to eat with me privately.

“I am not ready to eat with the others.” y/n said quietly, and I gave her a small nod trying to fight off the smile. Good I get to keep having her attention to myself. That is all I want.

“Very well.” I said quietly and moved towards my private room and shut the door touching the small wet spot that was drying on my dress robe where her drool still was and smiled. She was adorable sleeping on me. I am attached to her. This would disgust me if this had been anyone else. Correction. I don’t let anyone see the inside of my private chambers. She is completely different from the others. I want her to stay forever. I could have let her sleep on me forever. I would have taken the drooled on shirt if it meant holding her longer.

I moved towards my closet and grabbed a new set of dress robes and moved into the bathroom and showered quickly and redressed before making my way into my kitchenette space and saw her already at the table. The house elf was already setting the plates down with the drinks and she- she is thanking it. That heart of hers is still pure after all the things that has happened to her.

“Thank you for bringing this in here.” y/n said to the house elf and it started to shake a little. It is unfamiliar with kindness. Not many witches and wizards are kind to their type.

“I wish I had something to give you as a thank you.” y/n whispered to the house elf who was slowly starting to calm down. She is too kind but, it’s nice to see that it extends to other creatures. I almost want to help her realize how to defend herself properly. If she is too pure, I fear she won’t be able to defend herself. Granted when asked to duel Draco she managed to send him flying. That nearly made me laugh. I am glad I was there for that. She taught herself those advanced spells and surprised us all with it. Good for her.

I waited until the house elf disappeared before joining her at the table.

“You are too kind, and it worries me. Are you going to be capable of defending yourself should you ever need to?” I asked her.

Chapter Text

READERS POV

“I think I could. That is if I am pushed to the point of needing to.” I said but, there was a lot of self-doubt in my words. I don’t know if I could. I was never able to defend myself from my parents so how could I defend myself from a stranger attacking me? Would I really have to defend myself here?

“If you are doubting yourself then perhaps that is something you should work on. I don’t mind helping you in defending yourself. It is necessary when you are here. There are bad people in the wizarding world who would use your kindness against you.” Professor Snape said. I felt my nerves spiking up. Some anxiety started to creep into me once again. Are they worse than my parents? I think I could. I don’t know. Maybe I can’t. The only difference is, is I have no emotional attachment to strangers. That counts, right?

“I think I could do it.” I said quietly still not entirely sure of myself. I wouldn’t find myself convincing either. I hope they don’t put me in the position to have to defend myself. I really don’t know if I could.

“You know, since Umbridge took over the dark arts Professor Lupin can spend time training you during your free period while I am teaching a different class. He may not be as good as me but, he would be your second choice. That way you have the training necessary should something come up.” Professor Snape said. He is really determined to have me learn how to defend myself. Is there a bigger reason behind it? Is everyone really in danger being in the school? Or is it just because of the wizarding world?

“Should I be worried that you are already making arrangements in your head to get me trained in defending myself?” I asked and watched his reaction noticing it hardened slightly. What is he not telling me?

“Y/n, everyone here has had years of training. You are still learning magic, which is understandable because of the situation you were in. I just want you to get the same training everyone else has. You have promise y/n. You learn incredibly fast which is important when it comes to defending yourself.” Professor Snape said. I guess that makes sense. If he is just trying to make sure that I am caught up with the others, then I have nothing to worry about, right?

“You should know that there is a very powerful dark wizard out there.” Professor Snape said and stopped sitting back. “It is the reason we started to incorporate teaching how to train young wizards and witches like yourself. He is referred to as the Dark Lord, but his name is Voldemort. He is dangerous. It’s why I am determined for you to learn how to defend yourself. Sometimes, us professors are not always able to be there to help defend you and I won’t have you walking around being untrained.” Professor Snape said and I felt a chill run down my back.

“Oh.” I said to him and looked at him. “Then I will do my best. I wouldn’t want to get caught in a position where I could possibly get hurt. Not again.” I said as my voice got softer as I talked about it. I can’t get hurt again. I don’t want to be hurt like I was with my parents. I don’t think I could go through that again. I can’t go through that pain of being cut again. It was so painful when they started to do it. I don’t know what this Voldemort would do but, I don’t want to find out either.

“Good, now eat and go to classes. I will send Professor Lupin a message to let him know of your free period so he can train you and get you caught up.” Professor Snape said and I nodded and started to eat the breakfast in front of me.

SNAPES POV

She is already trusting me. Sure, she may have questioned me a little but, she has been hurt before. I understand her inability to just take my word for it. She is just getting used to someone wanting to protect her. I can practically still feel her in my arms. I can’t believe I let that happen all night. I can’t believe I pulled her back into my arms when she tried to get off me. She needs to be able to defend herself. Especially now. Now that I have grown attached to her. Now, I have put her at risk because I am Albus’ spy for the dark lord. Will she understand the danger I put her in if I were to tell her? No. I can’t tell her that I have grown to like her. I don’t think I could handle her rejection. I can’t handle knowing if she liked me either though. If she did, I would throw everything I worked for away. No, I wouldn’t. I would just find a way to hide it. Hide my feelings from her. Hide the creeping desire I have to keep her to myself. As she finished eating her breakfast she stood up and left my chambers to go to her first class and I watched her before going to my desk and grabbing a parchment and quill and wrote to Remus going over how I needed him to train her to defend herself. I didn’t want to add that I found stuff out but, I did and sent the letter.

At least this way I know her free period will be spent learning how to defend herself even if it is not me training her. If she is not too tired perhaps, I can suggest a few tips when we are done with dinner. I don’t want to overwork her. I want her to enjoy magic. I went on an autopilot mindset and made my way to my potions classroom and started my lesson for the day. Oh, the fear brings the peace I love so much. I spent the day with y/n constantly on my mind. By the time she got to my class I noticed the depressed look on her face and some of her peers pointing at her and snickering. If it was not against the rules, I would hex them all into silence.

“Sleeping with the professor again?” Pansy Parkinson whispered to her and my head snapped in that direction.

“Miss Parkinson.” I said now standing in front of her peering down at her. “Care to share what you are saying to the class?” I said coldly towards her.

“No, sir. My apologies.” Pansy said quickly and faintly.

“If you so much as continue those accusations, I will personally expel you from this school. It is completely inappropriate and unwarranted.” I said peering down at her. I watched as her face paled, and I leaned forward and peered into her eyes. “Is that understood?” I said mere inches from her face.

“Yes, sir.” Pansy said barely audible, and I stood up and walked towards the front of the classroom. What an insolent little brat. If I could reprimand her the old way, then I would. No. Never mind. Not after what I read y/n’s parents did to her. I don’t think I could go back to my own old methods. It makes me sick to know that y/n went through so much. I read the third entry while she was getting ready for the day.

~READERS Third Journal Entry~

I can’t breathe. My dad came in here mad they still haven’t found something called the magical core. He started to punch me in the stomach. When he got even madder at me when the cuts opened back up and the blood got onto his skin, he started to kick me in the stomach. It has been an hour, and I still feel like I can’t breathe. He dug his nails into my head. It hurt so badly. Everything reopened and I couldn’t stop all the bleeding. It won’t stop. He comes down once a day and each time is more painful than the last. I think my eye is puffing up from when he punched it. It hurts so bad. My cheekbone still hurts from when he kicked the hamper into my face. I don’t know why. Maybe it is broken. I can’t move my face that much. Any movement in it causes it to hurt. I don’t want to wake up. Not if this is what I am going to have to go through every night. I can’t keep up with this. I can’t keep waking up and dealing with this. I don’t want to wake up. It wasn’t even a few hours later when my mom and dad both came into the room. She held me down when he started to punch and hit my face repeatedly. My lips are busted and fat. My jaw is hurting really bad and my nose hurts when I touch it. I don’t want to wake up. Please if there is such thing as a God like my parents believe – don’t let me wake up in this.

~End of Journal Entry~

This young woman has suffered through so much. I just want to keep her safe. She needs protection. I will protect her. I will do everything in my power to keep her safe. Even if it embarrasses her a little bit. Although she doesn’t look embarrassed by what I did. Matter of fact is she – she is smiling at what I just did. Granted she is looking down to hide the smile. Does she like that I just stood up for her? Her smile is beautiful. I can feel a little heat rise to my cheeks. I lowered my head a little and stood behind the desk. She is even more beautiful when she smiles. I am going to get myself into trouble. Worse. I am going to get her into trouble. I felt the small part of my chest where her drool was before my shower. She was so calm against me. She was peaceful and I am looking forward to the moment she lets me do that again. Do you hear yourself Severus. You are looking forward to holding her. It's not even about protecting her. You have feelings for her. This is a bad idea. I need to find a way to help suppress these feelings. I don’t want to ruin this. I can’t let my feelings ruin her trust in me.

I looked up to see her already looking up at me. Those eyes and her look at me is going to kill me. I don’t want to look away from her and she might just be worth it. I know she is worth it. I can tell she is worth it. I know she may not see it yet, but I do. That girl may have had people attempting to raise her, but she was just imprisoned by two people who dared to call themselves parents. Those monsters are not parents. They have other kids they may not have done this thing to but to single out one of their own and beat them and cut them because they are different, it’s just a miserable thing to do.

I don’t understand if they didn’t want her or love her why they wouldn’t have just signed their rights away to her aunt and uncle. The ones that are like her and would have encouraged her to use her magic. Her cousin William is well mannered. His parents raised him to be, well, human at the very least. They never believed in punishing him and to be fair when he does get into trouble he takes the consequences without any bickering. At least I know when she returns to her family for any holiday that it will be too them. Right. She would leave for the holidays. She wouldn’t be staying here. With me. Why does that disappoint me? This is unprecedented. I should not feel disappointed that she would return to her family. She will be happy with her aunt and her uncle. Of course, she is of age so she could decide to stay here if she wanted. Perhaps I could persuade her somehow to stay with me.

What are you thinking Severus. Look at what you have become. Students are whispering to too each other. I am lost in thought over y/n and instead of getting up to correct them I am letting them get away with it. This is not like me. I looked back over towards her, and she looked lost in her own thoughts. She even drools a little when she is daydreaming. I can’t help but stare at her. I finally forced my eyes to look away from y/n and peered over the others before finally moving around the class. I made my way behind a couple trouble-making students and brought the cuffs of my sleeves back a little before shoving their heads back down towards their books. There now I feel a little more like myself. I continued to walk around the class and peered down at everyone’s parchments.

Such. Miserable. Work.

I can see many errors on the pages they were writing over the next potion we were going to be brewing and when I came to the from of y/n’s desk I peered down at her parchment that was covered in fine print and from just a glance over it, she wrote in great detail about the potions properties and how and why the potion would be used. I grabbed the parchment off her desk and didn’t disturb her from her daydream as I started to read what she had written. She paid attention to everything and managed to get it on paper before getting lost in her thoughts. I want to use legilimency on her to see what she is so focused on but, I won’t do that. I continued to walk around the class with her parchment in hand and continued to read it while peering at the others’ work before checking the time.

“Y/n, stay behind a moment.” I called out and dismissed the class before I saw her shake her head as if she had been shaking the sleep or daydream from her mind. I saw the faint blush on her cheeks and now I am even far more intrigued to know what she was thinking about that she had to physically shake her head to get rid of the thought. She kept her face looking down towards the desk until the last thing.

“Yes, Professor Snape?” Y/n asked. I felt my heart starting to flutter at her voice and how she sounded saying my name.

“Your homework. It is almost perfect. How have you managed to write it in such short time?” I asked and looked at her.

“I learned to write quick, or I would get my pencils taken from me when I lived with my parents.” Y/n’s voice said and noticed she got quieter as she mentioned her parents.

“Right. Well, the only thing that would have made it perfect is to not drool on part of the parchment.” I said and lightly teased her, and she touched the corners of her mouth and started to wipe them off with wide eyes and her blush deepened once again.

“Oh. I didn’t realize. I must have got lost in my own thoughts. Fine you caught me. I drool.” Y/n said and continued to wipe her mouth and laughed a little. How beautiful. I cannot believe that I am swooning for her. I hardly know this young woman. That’s not true. I know her better than anyone at this point. She trusts me.

“Your laugh.” I started but looked at her as she quickly tried to calm down. “It’s beautiful.” I said quietly and looked at her. Her blush deepened further, and I ran my thumb across it. Such a beautiful young woman and she has me completely under her spell. “My apologies. I just hope to hear it more often if you continue to get a little more comfortable around me.” I added quickly and she gave me the smallest of smiles. Everything she does makes my heart flutter.

Chapter Text

SNAPES POV

I am getting too close to her. I know I am. I am finding excuses to touch her cheek or hand. Something so small but, I haven’t had that desire to touch someone’s skin in ages. She makes me feel like there is more to this life than just surviving to protect others. I need to pull away from the but, I can’t. Not anymore. I am already past the point of no return. I can’t just turn my back on her. She needs me and I – I need her. I don’t want to do this without her. Perhaps she does not need me the way I am starting to need her. Fine I can admit that to myself. I need her. I need to protect her.

“You should be getting to that lesson with Professor Lupin I had set up for you. He is in the courtyard waiting for you.” I said to her and removed my hand from her cheek. I watched her slightly into my touch as I was pulling my hand away and my breath hitched slightly. It is taking everything in me not to reach out to her and pull her back into me but, my class of students is going to be here any moment. I watched as she walked away, and I can tell that I am already counting down the moments until I can see her again after classes can end. I am a grown man pining for a young woman who will not ever see me like that. Why do I do this to myself? Why is what I am attracted to clearly women who could never like me or want me? I mean with Lily she chose James and to be clear he was not better than me in any sense. Not to me at least. She clearly thought so. Then there is y/n and she, well, she is different. She looks at me for support and nothing else. She is younger than me. I can tell she is powerful in every way that matters. What the hell have I gotten myself into? Why couldn’t she be just as infuriating as the others? It would make this easier for me to detach from her but, no. I can’t just walk away from her now.

READERS POV

I know he wants me to focus on learning how to defend myself but how can I focus on anything but him? How can I possibly think about defending myself when he lets me lean on him like that? I want to go back into that room and not have him pull away from me. I want to just stay in his room all day and be with him. He has not judged me for what has happened to me. He is not looking at me with anything but understanding. I never thought someone would be able to look at me with anything but pity if they were to hear my story.

I never planned to let anyone in but, he is so different. Am I going crazy or does he act like he cares for me? His hand was warm and soft despite having calloused fingers. He looks like he has been through something painful himself. Am I just adding to his problems? I don’t want him to take on more than he can handle. I wonder if he would want help taking some of the workload off. I know I may not know much yet but, if he took the time to make guiding charts with correct answers for his quizzes or tests then perhaps, I could help him like a teacher’s assistant. Is that a thing here?

“Miss y/n, good you are here. I didn’t think you were going to show up for some reason.” Professor Lupin said and I looked at him confused. When did I get here? I don’t remember walking here at all. Must have done it completely lost in thought. I do that more times than I realize. I wonder if that will ever go away.

“Sorry Professor Lupin.” I said quietly.

“Everything alright?” Professor Lupin asked and I nodded.

“Yes, my apologies. I was just a little lost in thought over a class of mine I seem to enjoy more than the others.” I said not wanting to say too much. I don’t quite understand my feelings for Professor Snape. I don’t know what love is like. I don’t know how to decipher that from just feeling attracted to someone or just overall friendship. I want to know that what I am feeling is more than just attraction because he has been attentive to me. I know I feel better around him. I feel slightly more comfortable than I did when we first initially had our interaction. He said he didn’t mean it when he said I was just a job to him. That means something right? Does that mean he is starting to feel for me? No that’s just crazy to think he might care for me in any other way, wouldn’t it?

“Miss, y/n are you paying attention?” Professor Lupin said and I blushed a little and nodded.

“Yes, sorry Professor Lupin.” I said and started to focus on the protection and shield charms he was teaching me. I must have messed my form up slightly because he is standing behind me. His hand is over mine correcting it and his chest is against my back. He isn’t toned but, he isn’t loose in his skin area either. I would say he is more slender than the others. Professor Snape felt strong. He was comfortable. Focus y/n. He wanted you to learn how to defend yourself and here you are thinking about how it felt to have your arms wrapped around him and sleeping on top of him. He was so kind to let me do that. I drooled on him. I can’t believe I drooled on him or that I snored and he just let me stay that way. He cares for me. No. He is just being kind.

“I think that is enough for today miss y/n. We will resume this tomorrow alright?” Professor Lupin and I nodded and quickly moved back inside. Maybe I should just tell Professor Snape I am confused. That I don’t understand what I am feeling. Perhaps I should mention that I think I am growing attached to him. No. He seems like the type that it might scare him off. I wonder if he thinks the same about me. That he would not be able to tell me because it would scare me off. I don’t know. I can’t tell with him. Narcissa and Sirius were easy to know they wanted to touch me or be with me. Granted it took them both kissing me to figure that out for myself but, Professor Snape is not doing that. If he would just so much as give me more than a small touch of my cheek. Wait he keeps finding ways to touch me and I think I might have been doing the same thing to him. Alright fine. I am going to tell him. I need to tell him. I am staying in his private chambers in my own room. What’s the worst that could happen right? Well, other him laughing in my face and calling me a stupid girl and then use what was in my journal against me. I can’t believe I gave him that.

My hands are sweating. Okay here it goes. I am just going to go inside his private chambers. Set my stuff down in the room and sit with him at the table and just rip the band-aid off metaphorically. I stepped inside his chambers and moved into the room he had made up for me and set my stuff down noticing he was not in yet and let out a breath of relief. Oh god. I am nervous.  What if I am completely wrong? What happens if I do this and then he decides he does not want me to stay in here anymore? Am I going to screw this all up?

“Y/n are you alright?” Professor Snape asked as he came into the room, and I felt a chill run down my back causing me to stand up a little straighter.

“Yeah, I am. Why?” I asked quietly.

“You seem nervous about something. Did something happen?” Professor Snape asked and sat at the table. I moved to join him at the table and sat down across from him. I saw his hand on the table, and I contemplated just putting my hand on his but settled with putting mine next to his.

“I just like being around here, with you, is all.” I admitted quietly. I felt his thumb brush against the top of my hand a little before it rested on mine and I turned my palm up into his and held his hand.

“I like having you here.” Professor Snape said and I felt my heart start to race. This will do for now. This will absolutely do for now. I don’t know if I can tell him that I think I like him if my heart is already feeling like it is going to beat out of my chest. I looked over at him for a moment and he was just looking at our hands and I felt my cheeks warm up. His palms are smooth, but his fingers are calloused. He is being gentle, and I can’t help but notice that he has a small pink shade rising on his cheeks. He looks so handsome when he is blushing. I can’t believe how perfect he is right now in this moment. A small popping sound had us both pulling our hands away as the house elf placed the plates of food in front of us before disapparating and leaving us to eat in silence. Both of us still blushing over the brief moment before we both disappeared into our own rooms and stayed tucked away from each other for the night. We held hands. He likes having me here too.

SNAPES POV

I can’t believe I just admitted that. She brought it out of me. Today classes are going to be interesting. I already practically count down the minutes until I can see her. No. I won’t admit that to her. It’s bad enough that I am already admitting that I like having her around. What if she tells someone? She won’t. I know she won’t. I am worried over nothing. She is too good for me. Too beautiful. Too powerful. I am completely infatuated with her. I am moving on autopilot throughout the day. The second she came into my classroom my breath hitched. I have completely screwed myself. I can’t tell if this is infatuation, desire, or something else entirely. I never felt like this for anyone. Not even Lily. This is completely insane.

“Today we will be brewing Draught of Peace. It is the one you all turned your last assignments in about. Go grab the ingredients and start preparing your cauldrons and follow the instructions in your books. I will be walking around to correct your potions and critique your techniques as needed.” I announced to the class and watched everyone but, y/n get up. She waited until everyone sat down before getting up to get the ingredients. She is patient and it is infuriating how much she reminds me of myself. She doesn’t want to be stuck inside the crowd, and I don’t blame her. I watched her from the front of the class arranging the ingredients of what would come after the other and started to prepare her cauldron and slowly started her potion. As I promised I started to walk around the classroom slowly and let out a few harsh critiques. By the time I made it to hers as she reached for the first ingredient I reached out and placed my hand on hers. What am I doing? Too late to stop now. Her touch sends a sharp electric feeling through me. I helped her put the ingredient in without saying anything before removing my hand and shared a small look with her and stepping away.

DRACOS POV

What was that? What did I just see? What was that look? Oh, this is something. There is something going on between those two. Snape never touches anyone. She is sleeping in his private chambers again. Maybe Pansy is right. Maybe y/n is sleeping with Snape. Gross. Who is their right mind would sleep with Snape? That’s right. She is not in her right mind. Maybe he is using her vulnerability to get himself off. Sick bastard. I am telling my father about this the second I get out of this god awful class. I looked over at the time and quickly went back to making my potion.

“That looked a bit intimate y/n.” I whispered to her, and she looked at me and paled slightly. “Must be nice to never get yelled at by the dungeon bat. What are you doing to him to get that special treatment y/n?” I bit out towards her, and she stepped away from me as if I had hit her.

“What? Nothing I swear.” Y/n said quietly and continued to move away from me.

“Bullshit. He helped you. Didn’t criticize you and then walked away without yelling at you. Pansy must be right. Maybe your only in his chambers at night because you are sleeping your way into his good graces while the rest of us suffer.” I said to her and not even a second later Professor Snape was standing in front of me with that scowl he always wears.

“Get out of my class you insufferable brat.” Professor Snape said and I grabbed my stuff and left quickly. My father will hear about this. I started to make my way out of Hogwarts and the second I was not inside the school I apparated home to the Malfoy manor and made my way into his study.

“Father, I think Snape is sleeping with that new girl. He is too nice to her. He never yells at her and now he is touching her. It’s like she is getting special treatment while he yells at the rest of us.” I said getting even more mad as I talked.

“Go back to school Draco. I will handle this.” My father said and I smiled and disapparated back. Good. Finally, something will happen that will make them hate each other and she will end up back in the dorm instead of getting special treatment.

READERS POV

The second Draco was kicked out I abandoned my desk and moved towards my room inside Professor Snapes private chambers and sat on the best curling into myself. He was so nice to me. What happened? Why did he turn on me? Why did he have to be so rude to me? I don’t get it. I didn’t do anything wrong. I don’t think I did anything wrong.

A small knock sounded on my door.

“Y/n might I come in?” Professor Snape asked on the other side of the door. I am nervous to lean on him right now. Everyone keeps acting like I am sleeping with him, and I don’t want to get him into any trouble. I don’t want him to deal with the backlash of letting him inside the room. I don’t want to be alone though. I want him to hold me again. I just want to be comforted. I want to be geld.

“Yes.” I finally said quietly, and the door opened and closed after he came in. He hesitated a little before sitting on the bed with me and reached out a little. That was all I needed before I moved into his lap and held onto him burying my face into his chest. I don’t want him to let me go. Please don’t let me go. Don’t let me go. He hasn’t said anything. He just wrapped his arms around me and held me. I can feel his hand running up and down my back, to help soothe me and I started to calm down and relax into his touch. I needed this. I need him. Don’t scare him away. Please don’t less this scare him away.

“It’s going to be okay y/n. Don’t let what they say hurt you like this. You are much stronger than this. You have lived through hell. Don’t let their words hurt you like this.” Professor Snape said as I sniffled a little continuing to calm down in his arms and at his soothing touch.

“I am not strong.” I said barely audible, and I felt him push me away a little before his hands cupped my face.

“Y/n, you have lived through hell. You are still standing. No one is going to understand the pain you have faced but, you are still living and breathing. You are incredibly strong. You need to start believing in yourself. I know its going to be hard to believe in yourself after not being able to for so long but, I will be here to help you build that confidence in you up.” Professor Snape said to me looking into my eyes. I didn’t try to look away like I normally would. I want to see those beautiful dark eyes. I hate eye contact with a passion but, I don’t mind staring into his eyes. This moment was rudely interrupted with a knock on the door, and I got off his lap letting him get up and answer the door and when it opened, I saw Lucius standing there.

“Oh Severus, you are in y/n’s room. Perhaps what Draco said was true then?” Lucius said and I reddened a little. See I knew this was going to be a mistake to let him come in. He is going to get into trouble just trying to be there for me. For being someone to let me lean on him.

“Lucius.” Professor Snape said coldly and stepped out and closed my door to separate me from their conversation.

Chapter Text

SNAPES POV

“What are you doing in my chambers Lucius?” I asked looking at him. Of course, his son would go running straight to his father with a thought he pulled straight out of his ass.

“It seems as though Draco and a few of his peers have come to the conclusion that y/n is sleeping with you to keep you from yelling at her.” Lucius said and my eyes narrowed. He knows that is not true. “I of course, know that is not the case. The young woman wouldn’t want to upset Narcissa considering they had that moment together.” Lucius added and I scoffed.

“Why are you here Lucius?” I asked trying to get him to get to the point so I can get back to comforting y/n.

”To remind you of the position you hold as her Professor, Severus. If anything were to happen between you and y/n it would be vastly inappropriate.” Lucius said and my eyes narrowed, and I stepped toe to toe with him.

“Do not test my patience, Lucius. You are just as inappropriate in your attempt to try and have your way with y/n. This is my business as far as comforting her. She has chosen to trust me and lean on me, and you are to respect that. She needs comfort. Not a married couple trying to get her into their bed during a moment of vulnerability.” I bit out towards him and although he made no physical change in his appearance with a reaction I noticed a slight weariness in his eyes. He is not as good as he thinks when reacting to people.

“We just want her to find comfort in someone, or people and we are trying our best.” Lucius said.

“No, you two are acting on what you believe is desire because of that damn potion. When in reality, you two need to work things out with yourselves instead of trying to put that young woman through a different kind of hell. She is finally opening up and I will be damned if you and your rat of a son get in the way of her feeling safe enough to open u to me.” I said bitterly with my jaw clenched tightly. I watched him take a step back and his eyebrow raise up.

“She was also opening up to Narcissa. You cannot control who she is opening up to.” Lucius said and I let out a sigh and shook my head.

“Perhaps she was. However, she has chosen to tell me more about her life than she has chosen to tell Narcissa and right now she has chosen to lean on me and if that is what she wants then I won’t push her away.” I said to Lucius standing firm in not letting this deter me from getting to know her. I won’t let him get into my head and more importantly I will not let him, and his wife get into y/n’s head either.

“Just be careful for her benefit. Like you have pointed out a painful amount of times. She is vulnerable.” Lucius said before apparating away. I cannot stand him sometimes. I need to get back in there. I looked at her notebook that was still on my end table and grabbed it and put it in my pocket and moved back into her room and sat on her bed with her and pulled her back into my arms and went back to holding her.

“I don’t want to get you into trouble.” Y/n said softly. She is too selfless for her own good. She needs to learn how to be selfish for once. Even if it means hurting others to protect herself. I want her to realize she is more than what she believes she is. How do I get her to see the strength I see in her? How do I get her to realize she is someone to believe in? I ran my hand over her back lightly and felt her calming down against my chest and I leaned against the headboard and rested her head against my chest comfortably. She is such a beautiful person. How can so much darkness have clouded her for so long? I felt her breathing become steady and deep and looked down and watched as her eyes close and fall asleep resting on me. Well, this is becoming a habit of the two of us. I don’t mind it. Not one bit. She can sleep on me all she wants. I felt the reminder of her journal rub against me and I pulled it out of my pocket. I know I shouldn’t but she is asleep, and she did give me permission.

~Journal Entry 4~

I can’t use my good hand right now. My arm hurts too much. I think it’s broken or dislocated. My dad kept twisting it. It didn’t matter that it was cracking and popping. He just kept twisting. I cried and screamed until I had passed out. I have these deep purple angry bruises on my arms. Really my shoulders. Anytime I try to move them I wince in pain. I think my shoulders are broken. I don’t know what to do. To make things worse my chest hurts. He kicked me really hard, and something snapped near my neck. I think it was my collarbone. I think that is broken. This is getting too hard to live with. They still cut me. They still yell at me. Still punch me. My mother punched me in the nose the other day and it still hurts. I am so tired of waking up. I just wish I would die. Why is this happening? Why have I not died yet? Why do I keep waking up? I just want to stay in the darkness of sleep. I hate this. I hate this so much. I just want it to end. Please. Let this end.

~End of Journal Entry~

My grip on her tightened. They broke her in so many ways. How can they call themselves her parents? How could her aunt and uncle have turned such a blind eye to her. They knew she existed. They knew she had a magical core. Tom knew that his brother was against magic and so was his wife, so how could both of them have failed this girl so badly? I despise these people. I just want her to know there is nothing wrong with her. There is nothing wrong with having magic and they should never have hurt her the way they did. I won’t let her do this alone. I am far too attached to her now. I know I shouldn’t be.

What am I supposed to do? She is a student. She is older. She is allowed to make adult decisions. She is allowed to choose to be around me. I can’t though. I must have my head on my shoulders about this. I must put my work in front of this, don’t I? She needs someone who is able to be openly with her without being ashamed. Would I really be ashamed of this? No, I don’t think I would. I would be honored. I am getting ahead of myself. Just because she said she enjoyed my company does not mean she wants me in any way but it. Dare I assume we have become friends? Have we become the very thing I don’t want to have? I believe we have. I can smell her conditioner, and it is hard to ignore her presence when she is on top of me like this. I want this. I want her. She cannot know that I want her.

I don’t just want her anymore. I need her. I would do anything to protect her. I want to shield her from the reality of the wizarding world. Hide her from the darkness that comes with it. She has already faced too much. I finally loosened my grip on her and gently rolled her onto her side and pulled her back into my chest. I will be here when she wakes up. I won’t disappear on her. I will not fail her like I failed Lily. I will protect y/n even if it kills me. I will do whatever I have to in order to keep her safe. She means too much to me now.

READERS POV

I woke up to Professor Snape holding onto me. He smells good. The cedarwood on him makes me want to bury my face into his chest again. I don’t want to wake him up. If I just slightly move, I might wake him though. I want to be here in this moment with the one person I feel I can trust. He hasn’t hurt me like my family has. He hasn’t been intentionally hurtful like some people. I can’t believe Draco would take Pansy’s stance on me even though he was the one that came to my aid the first time she said it. I heard a small distant knock, and I reluctantly pulled away from his grasp and stood up using my wand to use the freshening up spell I had studied and Narcissa had slightly taught me that first day I had met her before making my way to the door.

LUCIUS POV

“Good morning y/n.” I said after y/n had opened the door. Good she is put together already.

“Good morning, Sir Malfoy.” Y/n said, and I smiled at the formality.

“Lucius, darling. Just call me Lucius.” I said and slowly pushed my way into the room with her. “I would like to take you out today with Narcissa and I and perhaps get you away from your peers. Would you be interested in that at all love?” I offered and I noticed the small blush rise to her cheeks. Quite adorable when she is all flustered like that. I watched as her head turned to face the door of her room, and I could practically hear the thoughts in her head. She is thinking about Severus.

“I am not sure I should.” Y/n finally said.

“We can leave him a note if that would ease your mind.” I offered and she nodded slightly and moved towards the desk in the room and found a clean parchment and quill and wrote a quick note about her departure. I held my arm out for her and noticed her looking slightly pale. Right, the apparition is not something she likes. Well, she will have to get used to it at some point. “Come along now.” I encouraged her and she made her way to me and placed her hand on my arm. I apparated us back to the Malfoy manor where Cissy was waiting.

“I don’t know if Draco would want me in his home Sir Malfoy.” Y/n said, and I smiled.

“Please call me Lucius. Draco will be apologizing to you before classes resume on Monday. I will make sure of that. What he said to you was uncalled for. He knows better than to go off assumptions.” I said and she looked down. I slightly ran my finger under her chin and guided her to look up towards me. “There is no reason he should have said those things to you. It was uncalled for love. He knows that better than the others because other than the professor’s he knows what happened and why you are here. Do not let my son dull the life you are meant to live.” I said and I watched the corner of her mouth turn up slightly. She is a sight. Even dejected, she looks beautiful to me.

“There you both are. Let’s take you to breakfast.” Narcissa said, causing both of us to look towards her. I felt y/n step away slightly and it caused me to smile. Even after she has kissed my wife, she still feels the need to step away. Is she shy around us or was it just a fleeting moment with Narcissa? I have a hard time believing she is just going to walk away from Narcissa. Not after opening up slightly to her. What has she told Severus? I can’t believe she chose to open up to the man who claimed it was his job to be there and didn’t open up further to Cissy.

“Of course, darling. Let’s get y/n top breakfast. Perhaps that tea shop in Hogsmeade you love.” I suggested and I watched Narcissa’s face light up.

“You will love it y/n.” Narcissa said and moved to her and linked their arms together and I did the same to y/n so we could apparate together. It was within moments we were standing just outside the tea shop, and I helped steady y/n as she lost her balance. She will learn how to control her balance.

“Are you alright?” I asked her and tried my best to keep a calm demeanor despite my annoyance building with her inability to control her balance. Y/n nodded and Narcissa shot me a look. My annoyance must be written on my face.

“You know, I am not really feeling all that well anymore. I think I would really like to return to Hogwarts. I am sorry.” Y/n said, and I felt the urge to grip onto her arm to apologize but, Narcissa shook her head lightly and started to walk with y/n back towards Hogwarts. They could just as easily apparate there, but Narcissa is coddling her. Did we just get turned down but y/n? Are we getting abandoned by y/n for Severus? Does she really not feel well because of the apparitions or because she just wants to go and get cozy with Severus again? What the hell is happening? How can we get turned down by this person over someone who prefers to hide in the darkness of a dungeon?

READERS POV

Apparating is too hard on my stomach. I don’t know why but, maybe it’s the cinching. I don’t know what to do about that though. I wonder if it is easier if you haven’t been mutilated by family. I wonder if it is different because they don’t seem to have anything missing from them. My skin is still only growing back in some spots.

“Did we do something to upset you love?” Narcissa asked softly and I looked at her and shook my head.

“No, I just.” I stopped talking for a moment to gather the courage to tell her I didn’t usually open up to people and I felt like I had made a mistake in trusting her in that moment of vulnerability. “I just think I am better to try and keep to myself.” I said quietly. That will work, right? That won’t hurt her feelings too much, will it?

“I understand but, if you decide to trust me again, to open up to me further. I am here.” Narcissa said returning me to the entrance of Hogwarts.

“Thank you for being so understanding.” I said before quickly making my wat inside and parting from her. I felt like I was moving quickly back towards the dungeons, but I was trying to avoid anyone that might be moving about in the halls. I don’t know if I can handle any more comments right now about my situation. Not from people that don’t know me just because a bunch of mean girls stole the journal before I gave it to Professor Snape. He is the only one that is going to know the truth and right now I don’t want to be with anyone else. I just want to go back to being in his arms. I should never have left the bed.

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I am working on editing chapters 24-30 and will upload them slowly throughout the week. Love you I am sorry this is taking so long. My ADHD has me scatterbrained over this and new writing that I will also be posting.

Chapter Text

SNAPES POV

Where did they take her? I can feel my skin practically crawling with the thought of her with them. I am pacing my room thinking about this girl. This poor girl who has been through a hell none of us could ever imagine to understand. I heard the door open, and I stood still looking at it and watched as she came in and closed it behind her. She is looking around the room. Is she looking for me? I felt my breath hitch a little as her eyes found me and she walked over to me and wrapped her arms around me. Good. She is back in my arms where she belongs. I don’t like to admit how much I worry about her but everything she has already endured. I refuse to let her go through any of it again.

“I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have left without telling you properly.” y/n mumbled into my chest. She is apologetic. Why is she apologizing for having a little bit of a life here? Then again, I do like that she wants to apologize for leaving my arms.

“Don’t apologize. You came back.” I said feeling a rather softness I am not used to having or showing. “Are you alright?” I asked trying to see if she was upset without prying too much.

“I am fine. I just-“ y/n started to say before she got even quieter. “I just felt like I was doing something wrong by going out with them when I really just want to stay in with you. I guess I just prefer your company to theirs.” Y/n admitted, and I felt a warmth in my cheeks. Is she saying she likes me again? I don’t know if I should push her away or hug her tighter. Hug her tighter Severus. She is opening up to you. Let her have the connection she craves. Hold her and don’t let her go. She is choosing you. It’s alright to let that happen. It’s just a foreign feeling to notice someone choosing me yet, she keeps doing it. I started to run my fingers through her hair lightly as almost instinct. She is so comforting. Completely comfortable against me and I can’t seem to pull away even though I need to.

“You need to get to your classes y/n.” I said abnormally soft. “If you need me, you know where you can find me.” I offered. What has she done to me? Offering my assistance and company. What has this young woman done to me. Turned me soft practically. God this is insufferable.

“Just one more minute please.” y/n said softly tightening her grip on me. I felt my resolve crumbling and hugged onto her tighter as well and in an instant kissed the top of her head. What have I just done? Did I just? Yes, she has completely ruined me. She has destroyed my tough exterior and destroyed me. I felt her grip tighten more and her face rub against my chest and I felt my heart starting to beat faster. My god Severus step away before you try and do something incredibly stupid. Put yourself together.

I felt her finally start to release me and although my instinct was to pull her back against me I stopped myself. Nope. Do not reinitiate a hug right now Severus. You have gone soft. She is meant to lean on you not you lean on her. I feel like I am back in my teenage years always scolding myself for these…feelings… Put space between y/n and you. It’s what’s best.

I was snapped out of my thoughts when I heard the door close and noticed she in fact left to get to her classes. Great now, I have lost the ability to focus. I am pissed. This entire thing is pissing me off. I am a grown man. I am much too old for her. I grabbed my wand and placed it up my sleeve and made my way into my classroom moving even faster than usual. The gasps of students bring a familiar peace to me. I stormed into the room and with a wave of my wand slammed the door shut behind me instantly causing more fear as I made my way to my desk. My coat billowing outwards. I will not tolerate any of their talks today.

“Did you hear what Flitwick said? Said Snape wears a corset like a woman because he is fat.” One of the Slytherin students said to their friend and I cleared my throat.

“Did you want to share with the class?” I said coldly.

“No sir.” The Slytherin student said. I narrowed my eyes at him.

“Do not bring your childlike speech into MY classroom.” I said loud and booming. It’s bad enough that the other professors speak of me as if we are students here ourselves still. It’s worse when the children join in on the torment. I might have a little extra skin where the others don’t but, why should that matter to them? It’s not their body. It is mine. I’ll make mental note to talk to Flitwick about making comments like that in front of the students. I don’t need to endure their crap. Nor do I need to deal with the other professors tormenting me on my size. If they understood how much I guard their precious lives they would be apologetic for how they treat me. I put my life in direct line- why is she staring at me like that? I locked eyes with y/n as she sat in my class. Her eyes soft and big staring back at me. Oh please. Is she feeling bad for me for that dumb comment?

Perhaps I should let her pity me. Might be able to embrace her again if she takes pity upon me. Am I really suggesting to act vulnerable for the girl just to hold her? Yes. I do believe I am. I have grown to be a pathetic man who longs for a touch of someone. How disturbing. How absolutely pathetic of me.

READERS POV

Why would anyone make fun of him? He has a kindness to him. Perhaps they do not get to see that side of him. Am I different for him? Does he care for me the way I am realizing I care for him? I don’t like others making fun of him for something so silly. After this class I think, I am just going to go and snoop. No, I shouldn’t. I don’t need to be in his business. I don’t know for sure if that even hurt him. He is a grown man. He does not need me to coddle him. Granted he coddles me. He lets me hug all over him. I can’t help how attached to him I have gotten. Maybe that is dumb of me to do. He could decide that I am not worth the hassle. I just. God I am so confused. I don’t know what I am feeling other than I don’t want to take my eyes off him and I would much rather be in the room with him than anywhere else. I heard the dismissal of the class and moved through the routine of them up until lunch and decided to head back to Professor Snape’s chambers and let myself in. I looked around expecting to see him there but, when he wasn’t I couldn’t help but go into his closet and snoop. The very thing I promised I would not do and here I am. I looked through all the clothes. God the smell is intoxicating and heavenly. What the heck is this? I pulled out something that had tight strings on the back. Is this a corset? I thought these were for women. I looked over it before putting it back down. I shouldn’t be in here. This is his space.

I quickly retreated out of his closet and room and sat at the table only for him to come in a moment later. Without thinking I moved into his arms and hugged him. God he probably thinks of me as a clingy and insufferable person by now. I have latched onto this man an unhealthy amount in what feels like a short period.

“What’s wrong?” Professor Snape’s deep voice asked, and I shook my head against his chest.

“Are you okay?” I asked softly rubbing his back a little and felt the strings and felt my heart breaking for him. He really wears them. No. He shouldn’t wear those. They have no importance. He lets their words get to him.

“Yes I am.” Professor Snape said and moved my hands off him.

“Why do you wear those?” I asked softly understanding I was not invading his privacy.

“Wear what?” He asked feigning aloofness, and I gave him a small look.

“Please don’t play like you don’t know.” I said quietly. “The male corsets.” I added quietly.

“You were in my closet?” He asked, seemingly growing cold and distant in an instant.

“Yes, and I am terribly sorry for invading your privacy but-“ I started to say but he cut me off.

“Do not stick your nose in my business little girl!” Professor Snape said, raising his voice at me and stuck his finger in my face and out of instinct from past abuse I flinched and shrunk down to the floor.

“I’m sorry. I am so sorry. I promise. It won’t happen again. Please. Please don’t hurt me.” I said now feeling a panic attack setting in. I couldn’t look up. I was locked into the fear and panic of potentially getting hit. I heard his hand fall instantly back to his side and then fall just under my chin guiding me to look at him.

“I would never hurt you y/n. I apologize for raising my voice.” Professor Snape said and for some reason that was all it took from him for me to shift into his hold. I wrapped my arms around him.

“I am so sorry. I promise I will never do it again. I am so very sorry Professor Snape. I just- I heard what they said, and I don’t think anything is wrong with you. You shouldn’t wear such awful creations. You are fine as you are. I am sorry I invaded your private space. I promise to never do it again. Please don’t leave me.” I said crying, feeling the intense feeling of dread invading me. I finally have someone who acts like they care, and I may have broken their trust. I am such an idiot.

“Stop apologizing.” He said quietly and held the back of my head and ran his fingers through my hair.

“Please stop wearing those stupid things. You are fine as is.” I said quietly. I want him to be proud of how he looks. He is too beautiful on his own. He doesn’t need those stupid things. I said and rubbed his back a little.

“They are meant to bring me comfort.” He said softly and I shook my head.

“Let me be the comfort then. Those are going to hurt you in the long run.” I said softly and felt myself growing slightly bolder and tried to reach under his shirt to untie the back of it and quickly felt his hands stopping me.

“I can take it off myself y/n.” He said quietly but moved his hands to cup my face. “Why do you care so much?” He asked looking into my eyes.

“Because you are hurting yourself to make others feel better and that is a terrible thing to do. What about you? Wouldn’t you feel better without those?” I asked and saw his eyes soften with vulnerability.

“This makes me feel better because they don’t talk about my weight so much when I wear them.” He said and I shook my head

“They still talk about you clearly. I don’t think it’s anything but, they have a need to make someone else feel smaller because they know they are the weaker person.” I said and the corner of his lips twitched in a small smile.

“Do you hear the irony in your words?” Professor Snape asked and I blushed, realizing what he was talking about and started to blush.

“That’s not the point. You are much stronger than I could ever be.” I said quietly and looked down. “I don’t like that you just accept their words and let them hurt you. I understand that you are human too and you have feelings but, you are so much more than their words.” I said barely audible realizing how infatuated I was sounding.

“Why do you think so highly of me?” Professor Snape asked. I thought about it for a second before resting my head against him.

“Because you are something unlike the others. I don’t know why because I can’t quite explain it. I just feel, well, I just feel safe with you. I haven’t felt that way about anyone.” I admitted. “With everyone else I am still nervous and anxious but, with you, it’s like all the fear is gone despite the fact that I just fell done being you not to hurt me. I am used to having pain inflicted on me. You have shown me that you are not going to do that to me.” I said softly.

“You are putting a lot of faith and trust in me Ms. y/n. That is highly unwise.” Professor Snape said.

“I put a lot of trust and faith in you because I believe you are a good person even if at some point you have done something bad.” I said honestly. “If you have done something bad, I know it’s because you have done it out of protecting someone even if it was yourself. I know in my heart that you are not a bad person.” I said keeping my hold on him tight.

SNAPES POV

She is so naïve but those words. They are a band-aid to a massive wound. I have hurt people. I have hurt a lot of people. Yet, she is right. I did it because I was protecting Lily and even tried in a strange way to avenge her death. I felt my dark mark starting to burn from a calling of a meeting and looked at y/n.

“Thank you.” I said calmly to her. “I have somewhere I need to be, but I will send an owl to the other professors to excuse you from the remaining classes for the day. Get some rest.” I said and once again kissed the top of her head. “I will be back later tonight.” I said to her before slowly withdrawing myself from her. I want to tell her how I feel but it is far too dangerous. I moved out of the room and quickly made my way out of Hogwarts apparating to the meeting at Malfoy Manor.

As I appeared inside the manor I remained a calculated distance away from the dark lord.

“It has come to my attention by one of my most loyal followers that there is someone new at Hogwarts that is not like their peers.” Voldemort said and my eyes turned into a cold look, and I quickly looked over to Lucius to see his eyes had turned just as cold as mine. Well, it was not him. Least it better not have been. I could kill him easily if it was.

“I want to use this person as an example. Show everyone at Hogwarts what will happen if they choose not to follow in my footsteps. Perhaps a public execution of this newcomer will make a great example of what is to come.” Voldemort added and the amount of rage I am fighting back is immense. He will not harm y/n. Not over my dead body.

“Perhaps, however, because we are unaware of their capabilities perhaps it is wise to not strike down upon them yet.” I heard Lucius say. What is his game plan here? Slow him down? He is not an idiot.

“According to my most loyal they are not even as wise as a first year.” Voldemort said and I felt my hand twitch for my wand.

“Even so, perhaps they could be a fast learner. The last thing you want my lord would be to find out that they have become wise in a short amount of time.” Lucius said and I started to get an idea of what he was trying to do.

“Not to mention you are thinking of making an example of a new student.” I added coldly. “The ministry would be set on hunting you down.” I added to try and deter him further.

“You seem almost protective. Are you close with the newcomer Severus?” Voldemort said and made his way over to stand directly in front of me.

“No but, I will not have you orchestrating a public execution of a child who has no ability to defend themselves.” I bit out harshly.

“Careful Severus. You are not sounding like a loyal follower of mine.” Voldemort sneered at me and my eyes narrowed at him.

“I want nothing to do with what you are about to do my lord. I will take no part in it.” I said warningly.

“You will do as you are ordered Severus. Right now, I am ordering you to get close to the student. When the time is right you WILL bring me that person and I will make an example of them. Meeting is dismissed.” Voldemort said with his harshness before apparating away quickly amongst the other death eaters. I turned to Lucius with a cold and distant look in my eyes.

“Keep her safe.” I said before apparating away and hiding away from y/n. I will not put her in danger. I refuse to put another person in danger. Even if it means hiding away from her and causing her pain. I won’t knowingly put her in even more danger. I refuse to lose one more person like I lost Lily. I can’t stand it.