Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The water was cold, and the frigid wind that swept across the pool’s surface steadily splashed it onto Eridan’s legs. He sighed but it came out a low whine, and he knew he was just being childish. He had wanted to go in hours ago, but he’d tolerated it for her. Her smile was never as big as when she was swimming, and Eridan’s life only felt full when he saw her smile. Even if that meant sitting on the side of her pool in November with a hoodie pulled over his pale chest and swim trunks baggy on his thin legs.

“Fef, can w-we please go in soon?” He asked, stutter made worse by his shivers.

She laughed, long hair dripping as pulled herself up to the lip of the pool. Their friends joked about her being half fish, but in moments like this Eridan was sure she was a sea goddess. “I told you I was going to practice. You said you wanted to come over anyways. And my mom’s home, so I don’t want to be inside anyways.”

Eridan didn’t say anything. Sure, he had agreed, but she should have known he didn’t really want to spend his Saturday like this. She was his friend, and she’d already spent so long practicing anyway. Deep down, in a part of himself he hated, he felt like Feferi only brought up her mom to get her way. His own father’s approval had become an almost impossible goal, but he still invited her over. Not that she ever actually came. He wanted to strangle those thoughts, their slime colder than the frigid air. Recently he’d been wanting to strangle more and more of himself.

“Eridan, don’t be like that. You could have just stayed home if you were going to act like this.” Her eyes were wide, and her face flushed. Feferi’s emotions always showed clearly on her face, her round eyes changing dramatically with each expression but never making her look anything but innocent. Even anger suited her. She looked righteous, pure, and it only fueled Eridan’s own anger, which could never be anything but polluted.

“I wanted to hang out with you. Not just freeze out here watching you.” He avoided looking her in the eyes. He knew he was being ridiculous, but he didn’t care. He wanted her to know how she’d hurt him. “You never want to hang out other times, and I just miss you.” He tried to change his tone, sound less like a sullen child and more reasonable.

“I’ve invited you to spend time with me so many times. You just refuse anytime anyone else is also there.”

“It’s not anyone else-” He tried,

“Fine. Anytime Sollux is invited. And stop” he closed his mouth just as he opened it “I’m not defending my friendship with him to you. He’s done nothing to you and yet you’ve treated him terribly. Some of the things you’ve said makes me embarrassed to be friends with you.” Eridan’s face burned as she turned away from him. “You should just go home. I’m sorry you didn’t enjoy yourself.”

“Feferi!” He called out, but she had already slipped back underwater and was swimming away from him. A petty move, making his mind fill with even pettier revenge. He shoved those thoughts down for the third time that day, grabbed his shoes, and left without saying another word to her.

***

Eridan pushed open his front door and tried his best to make it to his room quickly. He just wanted to be alone, free to cry or punch his pillow as much as he needed to. His dad wasn’t home, he never was, too busy off making the world a worse place, leaving his only obstacle-

“What’s wrong Eridan? Did your little girlfriend finally dump you?”

Cronus. Eridan’s older brother had moved home months ago after finishing college, claiming he just needed some time to figure out what he wanted to do. Eridan was sick of him already. Despite his claim he spent none of his time actually looking for a time, instead spending most of it getting into loud fights over the phone with whatever poor soul he had decided he wanted that week. Eridan had mostly stayed clear of him, which had started getting more and more difficult as the year wore on. Most nights, Cronus avoided him as well, but some nights, when whatever person had truly gotten rid of him, Cronus was left with only Eridan to bother.

Eridan tried to push past him, but Cronus was almost a foot taller, and easily blocked his path. An unlit cigarette daggled from his mouth, and the smell of hair gel was so strong Eridan tried not to gag. “What do you want?” His voice was shakier than he wanted, and Eridan felt even smaller than before.

“So that’s a yes.” Cronus laughed, low and slow, a sound that made Eridan flinch. “I knew it couldn’t last long. Why would anyone want to fuck you, especially someone as hot as her.”

“Don’t fucking talk about her like that!” Eridan yelled, finally allowing the anger that had been bubbling in him all day to spill out. “You’re disgusting.”

“Relax.” Cronus laughed again. Eridan hated him more deeply with every moment. “I’m not trying to steal your girl. Though it doesn’t seem like she’s your girl anymore either. I’m just saying with you being,” Cronus’s eyes scanned Eridan’s body in a way that made him feel on display. He huddled deeper into his sweatshirt, trying desperately to ignore the shudder running through him. “Like that,” Cronus finished, and Eridan no longer even remembered what they were talking about, “You should start getting used to rejections.” He went back to fiddling with his cigarette, the end looking damp from his mouth. Eridan knew if he stayed in this room for another second he would start to cry.

He pushed past Cronus, who let him go easily, seemingly having already gotten everything he needed from the interaction. He ran to his room and slammed the door, ignoring how Cronus was probably laughing at his outburst. He wanted to punch something, to hurt someone. Instead, he forced himself to sit down and open his computer before the hot tears fell. He wanted to text Feferi, she was the only one who had ever understood him, but now no one did. He slammed his laptop back shut, and fell forward onto his desk, lost and alone.

Chapter Text

At school, Feferi avoided him. He let her. If he kept going after her she’d only hate him more, no matter how much he wanted to yell at her, desperately convince her of his love for her. He knew Cronus would laugh at him for it, but he cared more about Feferi than anyone else in his life. He needed her.

All of Eridan’s friends were her friends though, or atleast were more willing to give up talking to him than her. At lunch he didn’t even look in the direction of the cafeteria. Instead, he found an empty classroom and sat down at one of the empty desks. He pulled out his computer, trying to look like he was working on something. There was no way he would actually be able to concentrate enough to get work done, but at least if someone came in he wouldn't look like such a loser. He hadn’t grabbed any food, but he found a crushed bottle of water at the bottom of his bag. He sipped the warm bottle and couldn’t find the energy to grimace at the taste.

After wasting half an hour like this, the door opened. Eridan jumped up, turning to see Karkat standing at the door, looking just as surprised at seeing Eridan as Eridan was to see him. “I was just looking for Ms. Dartley.” Karkat said, though he sounded less angry than he was most of the times Eridan had talked to him. Though, admittedly, those times had been few. Karkat was close friends with Sollux, and Eridan’s refusal to even be in the same room as him had necessarily led to avoidance of all of his friends.

“Well clearly I’m the only one here.” Eridan snapped. Karkat stayed in the doorway staring at him. Where did this kid get the nerve to stand there when he clearly wasn’t wanted?

“Yeah no shit.” Ah, there was Karkat’s anger back. In a way it was comforting, one universal constant that had decided to stay even as the rest of the world fell apart. “Why aren’t you with Feferi? You’re not allowed to be in a classroom alone without a teacher.”

“Are you seriously going to tell on me like a petty five year old?” Eridan asked, almost laughing at the thought. “I don’t see why my relationship with Feferi is any of your business. I was fine here until you interrupted me, and I’ll be fine again once you leave, unless you genuinely believe I can’t be trusted alone in a classroom.”

“Fine, you know what, fuck you too. I was trying to be concerned, but clearly you don’t want that.” Karkat said, letting the door slam behind him.

Why the fuck would I want your concern, Eridan thought, but didn’t say anything. He went back to miming drinking from his now empty water bottle, the plastic taste the only thing keeping him tethered to the world. The bell rang, the sound shaking his entire body. Eridan wondered if it had always been that loud.

***

After school, Eridan spent an hour waiting for a text from Feferi before it finally came. He snatched up his phone, desperate for the first small bit of attention she had been willing to give him all day.

CC: )(ey -Erifin, we need to talk

She seemed serious, a tone Eridan had rarely heard her take. It scared him a little, but not enough to damper the relief of her finally not ignoring him. And if she had already set the mood, he knew what he needed to do.

CA: Okay, do you wwant me to come ovver?

CC: No, we can just talk on here. My mom’s home, and I don’t want to deal with that rn.

CA: Wwell you could come ovver to my house. I also havve something important I wwant to ask you.

CC: I’m sorry, I just want to get this conversation done. Also, your brother gives me the creeps.

She just wanted to get talking to him over with? What about him was so awful she didn’t even want to see him?

CA: Okay, wwhat is it you havve to say so quickly then?

CC: I think we should take a break from talking to each other

Eridan stared at the message. It didn’t feel real to him. It couldn’t be real. He knew she’d been annoyed with him lately, but he hadn’t done anything to deserve this.

CA: Wwhy? Wwhat did I do?

CC: I just need some space. You’re been possessive, and you’re mean to my other friends, especially Sollux.

CA: This is all because of him? I can’t believve you’re choosing him ovver me. And the reason I don’t like him is because he’s clearly into you. And Fef…

Eridan took a deep breath. If he didn’t tell her now it seemed he would never get the chance. His feelings for her drowned him, he didn’t think he’d survive if she really cut him off.

CA: Fef, I really like you. Romantically. That’s wwhy I’vve been acting like that.

Feferi started typing, then the bubble disappeared. He couldn’t breath as he waited for her reply. She’d see how much he loved her, how that made all of it okay. She had to.

CC: -Erifin…
CC: I’m sorry I just don’t feel that way about you. And even if it did, the way you’ve been acting would make me not. I think this break will be good for both of us. We can still be friends, just not as close.

CA: Don’t call me that wwhen you’re doing this to me.

He could barely see his phone through the water in his eyes, Feferi’s pink text became blurry as her testing bubble appeared and disappeared.

CC: I’m sorry -Eridan. But I really do think it will be for the best. Our friendship hasn’t really been healthy recently.

Eridan didn’t even turn off his phone before he threw it across his room. How dare she act like she was helping him? She was killing him. He had lived for her, he’d listened to her and supported her, been there for her when no one else was, and now she was abandoning him for what? Because he wanted to spend time with her? Because he didn’t like seeing Sollux flirt with her everyday? Before he knew it he was sobbing, and his nails were digging into his skin, but he wasn’t aware of his body. All he could feel was empty, wanting to throw up, wanting to kill her, wanting to kill himself.

He wasn’t sure how long he spent like that, time seemed like a meaningless measurement to him, and he wasn’t aware of how he got out of it, but by some point he was back in his bed with his phone in his hand. Feferi had texted him a couple times, but he refused to read them. He tried to put on music, but the sound only made him more nauseous. He turned it off, and considered throwing it again, but he couldn’t find the energy. He fell asleep like that, in his jeans, skin raw and tears still wet.

When Eridan woke up it was still dark outside. His body didn’t feel like his, as if he had been sick for the last week. He barely made it out of bed before he was on his knees, gagging into his carpet. Nothing came out, and he became aware that he hadn’t eaten anything since breakfast the morning before. The thought cheered him up a little bit. He didn’t deserve food, he was making up in some small part for how terrible he was. Maybe if he punished himself enough Ferferi would forgive him.

The thought immediately brought back up all of his anger. He didn’t try to suppress it, and he wanted to hurt her. To make her understand what he felt. He wanted her, but not the version of her that had texted him the night before. He wanted her to suffer. Then he took a breath, and the thoughts disappeared, and he gagged once more.