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English
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Published:
2024-10-19
Updated:
2025-02-24
Words:
612
Chapters:
5/?
Comments:
10
Kudos:
26
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The Cringemarillion

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Summary:

The Noldor are like soo cringe!
- Call out post by the Valar

Notes:

This was really funny when we said it out loud.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1: The Cringe of Mandos

Chapter Text

Tears unnumbered ye shall shed;
and the Valar will fence Valinor against you, and shut you out,
so that not even the Cringe of your lamentation shall pass over the mountains.
On the House of Fëanor the Cringe of the Valar lieth from the West unto the uttermost East,
and upon all that will follow them it shall be laid also.

Their Cringe shall drive them, and yet betray them,
and ever snatch away the very treasures that they have sworn to pursue.
To Cringe end shall all things turn that they begin well;
and by treason of kin unto kin, and the fear of Cringe, shall this come to pass.

The Dispossessed shall they be for ever.
Ye have spilled the blood of your kindred unrighteously and have stained the land of Aman.
For blood ye shall render Cringe, and beyond Aman ye shall dwell in Death's shadow.
For though Eru appointed to you to die not in Eä,
and no sickness may assail you, yet slain ye may be, and slain ye shall be: by weapon and by torment and by Cringe;
and your houseless spirits shall come then to Mandos.
There long shall ye abide and yearn for your bodies,
and find little pity though all whom ye have slain should entreat for you.
And those that endure in Middle-earth and come not to Mandos shall grow weary of the world as with a great burden,
and shall wane, and become as shadows of Cringe before the younger race that cometh after.
The Valar have spoken.

Chapter 2: Fëanor's Cringe

Notes:

Absolutely noone asked for this, but we found it funny, so we are doing it anyway. Enjoy! :D

Chapter Text

Be he foe or friend, be he Cringe or clean,
brood of Morgoth or Cringe Vala,
Elda or Maia or Aftercomer,
Man yet unborn upon Middle-earth,
neither law, nor love, nor league of swords,
dread nor danger, not Cringe itself,
shall defend him from Fëanor, and Fëanor's Cringe,
whoso hideth or hoardeth, or in hand taketh,
finding keepeth or afar casteth
a Silmaril. This swear we all:
Cringe we will deal him ere Day's ending,
Cringe unto world's end! Our word hear thou,
Eru Allfather! To the everlasting
Cringe doom us if our deed faileth.
On the holy mountain hear in witness
and our Cringe remember, Manwë and Varda!

Chapter 3: The Meowdolantë

Summary:

Of the Meow of the Noldor, by Maglor Felinorëan.

Who will meow for us?

Notes:

If you don't ask us why we're still doing this, we won't ask you why you're still reading this

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Mëow

Meow meow meow meow mëow?

Meow meow meow mrrow

Mëow Meow.

Meow? Meow meow meoooooooooow!

Meow meow meow.

Meow. Meow!

Mew Mew Mew.

Meow meow mrrp meow.

Meoooow! Meoooow!

Hiss!

Mëow meow mëow.

Meow meow meow meow mrrp mrrp.

Meooooooooooooooooooow!

 

 

 

Notes:

There is no reasonable explanation. Sometimes talking is too hard. So you gotta meow.

Chapter 4: The Cringe of Power

Summary:

There is much wisdom to be learned from the Amazon hit series the Cringe of Power.

Notes:

Starting 2025 by branching out and stretching our creative muscles.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

Cringe Rings for the Elven-kings under the sky, Cringe for the Dwarf-lords in their halls of stone, Cringe for Mortal Men doomed to die, Cringe for the Cringe Lord on his Cringe throne In the Land of Mordor where the Shadows lie.

 

Hope is never Cringe. Not even when it's meager.
 - Gil-Galad


The sea is always Cringe.
 - Numenorians

Don't despise the Cringe that humbles the heart.
 - Galadriel

 

Sometimes to find the light, we must first touch the Cringe.
 - Galadriel


Because a Cringe shared may either be halved or doubled, depending on the heart that receives it.
 - Elrond

 

 

Notes:

Sorry, not sorry.

At this point you know what you have signed up for.

Happy New Year! Don't shy away from the Cringe in 2025!

Chapter 5: The Cringe of Nereb and Dungalef

Summary:

It came to pass, that someone miraculously requested of us more cringe. And so it happened, that more cringe was written, when it was least expected.

From the Lays of Beleriand (History of Middle Earth Volume 3), for yourlocalbookwyrms!

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

Whom do ye serve, Light or Mirk?
Who is the maker of cringiest work?
Who is the king of earthly kings,
the greatest giver of cringe and rings?
Who is the master of the wide earth?
Who despoiled them of their mirth,
the cringey Gods? Repeat your vows,
Orcs of Bauglir! Do not bend your brows!
Cringe to light, to law, to love!

Cringe be moon and stars above!
May cringiness everlasting old
that waits outside in surges cold
drown Manwe, Varda, and the sun!
May all Cringe in hatred be begun,
and all Cringe in evil ended be,
in the moaning of the endless Sea!

Notes:

Read aloud for maximum cringe effect!

Notes:

Comment if you want us to cringefy more parts of the Silmarillion!