Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

After Jean’s death many of the x-men were affected by it, especially Scott Summers. Scott had always been with Jean, now that he lost her he felt like a big part of him was gone. He’d stay in his room all day, he’d only come out twice a day for a little food and water, but it wasn’t enough.

He was visibly getting skinnier and many started to worry about him. They had never seen Scott or any of the other x-men like this, they wanted to help but didn’t know how and had started to feel like nothing would help.

Scott would just lay in bed, sleeping excessive amounts. Days started to melt into each other making him lose sense of time. But he didn’t care, losing Jean felt like life had lost its meaning and he couldn’t find anything to fill that hole.

Sometimes people would try and get him out of his room for a small activity. But all the attempts failed.

Other times they’d come in with a plate of food trying to get him to eat more. Sometimes Scott would eat tiny bits, but most of the time the plate would be left untouched.

Days went by and every time they’d see Scott it looked like more of him was disappearing. Even though they hadn’t seen him smile at all since Jean’s death, it still felt like they could see more hope and happiness getting drained. It felt like they were losing Scott.

After a month or two people started to really worry, they thought he would eventually come around and slowly start doing more stuff, or at least eat.

They’d decided Logan should visit him, normally they’d just leave the room if Scott didn’t respond, but this time they wanted to be persistent. Scott started to look like a ghost mentally and physically and they knew that it couldn’t go on like this for much longer.

When he walked in Scott was in his usual fetus position with his back turned to Logan.

“Scott, we’re starting to really worry about you. You’re barely eating and you haven’t said a thing in months.” Logan started, he wasn’t the best with this especially not being gentle, which is also the reason they chose Logan he was strong, he wouldn’t give in.

“Why would you care we’re not exactly friends, if anything we were enemies. I can take care of myself, alright?’’

Logan was kinda shocked by this, he knew him and Scott weren’t close and that he’d often react snappy. But after these two months he’d expected him to be more fragile than this.

“I know we aren’t on friendly terms, but that doesn’t mean I can’t care about you. You rarely come out of your room, you have eaten so little you’ve visibly become skinnier. Any person with a heart would start to worry.”

“Didn’t know the wolverine had a heart.” Even though Logan hated hearing that he wasn’t surprised and also felt like he couldn’t judge him for the comment. He has a soft side, but always had a hard time showing it. “Besides, we don’t all have the same healing factor like you.” Scott added. Which hurt him even more but he kept his composure.

“Scott I won’t ask much of you but please come out of your room, sit with us during dinner, you won’t have to eat a bunch but just sit there. I’m not being funny here, you’re starting to deteriorate and with all honesty it scares me.” Logan felt like he was a little too honest there, but he meant it. He was quite caring to many people even if he wasn’t close to them, but after having Scott cry in his arms when Jean died, he’d grown a big sympathy for Scott.

“I’ll think about it, but don’t think I’m doing it for you.”

Logan was aware of what pain can do to someone’s attitude, but he’d be lying if he said Scott his comments didn’t affect him. Regardless of how he felt he wouldn’t show Scott that he was hurt by it.
“FIne, you stubborn shit.” Logan said before leaving.

Logan wasn’t sure if it was too harsh, but felt like Scott needed a bit of reality right now.

A bunch of people were waiting for him in the kitchen to report back on the situation.

“How did it go, will he come out soon?’’ Ororo asked.

“Not sure I asked him to come to dinner one time, said he wouldn’t have to eat but asked that he’d at least come. Not sure if he will though.” Logan saw the disappointed faces, but he let it go. He had tried his best, even if it didn’t feel like he did.

“Thanks Logan, for at least trying. I don't think I could have done it, not while he’s in this state. He looks so beaten up. ” Ororo said.

“Don’t thank me, I didn’t do much anyway. But I’m sure there will be improvement soon.” Logan tried to sound convincing even if he wasn’t so sure of it himself.

That evening Scott wasn’t at the dinner table, no one was really surprised. if he would come it probably wouldn’t be the first dinner. Yet some people were still disappointed.

The next morning, Scott also wasn’t found at the breakfast table. But later came out during class time to get a small snack. It was again very little.

Unfortunately for Logan classes just continued like usual, with Logan picking up Scott’s classes since he was one of the few adults who didn’t have a class to begin with.

He wasn't a big fan of teaching and hated most of it, but he did like the part where he could spend time with the children. With him often being away for a few days and otherwise going on missions, he wasn’t able to meet up with them regularly.

During breaktime Logan decided to sit with Marie for a change. They had some time to catch up, just talking about their time at school. But Logan soon noticed that Scott’s absence was also affecting the children.

“When do you think Scott is coming back?” Marie asked.

“Listen kid, Scott is not doing well and there’s a chance it will take some time before he’ll show his face again, but this is not something for you kids to worry about. I will promise to do my best with him. But please leave this to us, try not to worry too much oke?’’

Marie was not fully satisfied with it and she already knew she’d keep worrying, but she still liked the reassurance from Logan.

After break Logan went back to his classes. Meanwhile Scott was packing his bag, he didn’t know yet where he was gonna go but he felt empty and trapped, although he lacked any motivation from his depression, the emptiness was too much.

He felt something in him aching like he was so insanely bored, but not in a bored way. Whereas his depression gave him the comfort of emptiness, this felt almost worse. Like he had still had no motivation for anything, but felt an aching. What used to be a comfortable misery now felt like a nagging one.

After a bit of packing he sneaked out, luckily the halls were empty, most people being in their classes or rooms. He grabbed his motor and went on his way.

Not too long after Logan finished his last class and went to the kitchen, when suddenly someone came up to him saying he just saw Scott leave. “I was outside in the garden for a project when I saw Scott on his motor going somewhere, since then I have been looking for people who could help.” The guy said.

“Thanks kid, any idea what he was up to or when he left?” Logan asked in a quick tone.

“No clue, and about the time it was somewhere during the last period. Sorry I couldn't be of more help.”

Logan felt his stomach drop, Scott hadn’t come out for longer than ten minutes a day and wouldn’t attend breakfast, lunch or dinner and suddenly went on the move.

He had no idea what he could be doing, but he knew it couldn’t be good. He thanked the boy and ran to the garage.

He grabbed the first thing he saw, an old motor that seemed like it had seen better days, but for now it would do. He rushed outside and drove away.

Logan his smell wasn’t the best of the best, but fortunately it wasn’t windy and he could track Scotts scent.

While driving he felt his heart palpitating, he wasn’t exactly sure how much earlier Scott left, but he knew it was somewhere between 15 minutes to an hour. He was mostly scared it was gonna be the latter.

Scott arrived at a river and put his motor under a tree, he felt so weak. Physically drained from all energy caused by the lack of food, and mentally not having any energy left to feel like walking. He crashed to the ground, what felt like a good plan back at the mansion now felt stupid.

Scott felt helpless, he wanted to break down, but at the same time he couldn’t. His mind was racing, in a very dark place. He often had bad thoughts but could always either snap out of it or suppress them, now he had no distraction and he felt so shit there was no trying suppressing them.

He felt terrified alone, he was scared of himself, of his thoughts. He was thinking of just walking into the river forcing himself down or using his powers on himself.

He stood up, his legs hurting even more from the position he was sitting in. With all his might he was limping towards the water his brain had gone quiet, it was now fully dark. Any happy moments were forgotten in this moment and people that cared about him felt like they didn’t exist.

Even though he was the one walking, his brain was so far gone he wasn’t actually in control. Normally people would fill their pockets with weights, but Scott wasn’t good at swimming to begin with, nor did he have the strength to fight the waters.

The stream was strong with Scott’s mentality he looked at it in comfort, as if he was gonna lay down under a soft blanket. For the first time in months he felt comforted, the idea of soon being gone. To lose all problems and struggles in life, to never have to grieve another person anymore, just in the matter of a few minutes.

Scott his life had always been one of misery, he did often like his life, but he never felt happy with his life. Most of the time being used as a soldier to protect others he had feared death, but in this moment he was longing for it, ready to breathe in the water of the river, letting his body float with the stream while his fight or flight response would kick in and fight back. He was ready to let go of life.

Scott had now gotten to the water and was ready to let himself fall when a motor arrived behind him, being lost in his thoughts he couldn’t hear his surroundings anymore.

Logan his heart was now in his throat seeing what Scott was about to do. He sprinted towards him and grabbed his shirt as he was already leaning forward.

Like that Scott snapped half out of it. It was like sleeping and suddenly being awoken by your alarm telling you you have to get out of bed. He felt his heart rate rising seeing what he was about to do.

Logan pulled Scott towards him away from the water, he turned him around looking at him with sad eyes.

Scott now felt complete misery and his tears started to flow. Just like after Jean's death Logan was there to comfort him even if he wasn’t always the best at it.

Still being in shock Logan pulled Scott closer to him being scared of what he might do if he let go, they didn’t say much, but neither of them cared.

“Oh my god Scott don’t ever do that again, you scared the living shit out of me. I was worried sick” Logan said, breaking the silence. Meanwhile his eyes had started to form tears.

Scott didn’t answer back and just kept crying. While Logan was holding him he could feel him becoming weaker and had to help him stay upright.

After a while Logan felt comfortable speaking again, Scott was still upset, but had calmed down a little.

“Let’s just head back now.” he said, keeping his arm around Scott’s waist to steady him.

They drove back, Logan behind Scott while keeping an eye on him the whole way back.

When they arrived at the mansion he again put his arm around Scott’s waist still steadying the weak man. It was quiet inside so they just walked to the kitchen, luckily no one was there.

Logan put the man on a stool and went to grab some food, he knew he couldn’t immediately feed him an entire meal. Scott’s insides wouldn’t be able to handle that so he just grabbed a small snack and some water.

Logan thought he might have to force feed Scott, but to his surprise he started to eat and drink as soon as he sat it down. He grabbed some drink himself too, the stress and panting dried him out.

They just sat there both now finishing their drink when Logan saw someone approaching the kitchen, out of fear of overwhelming Scott he walked out towards them realizing it’s Ororo.

“Was that Scott in the kitchen? What is he doing here? Wait, have you been crying, what happened?” Ororo asked.

“It’s a long story I might tell later, it’s very complex, could you maybe stay out of here for a little to not overwhelm him?”

Ororo nodded in understanding and walked away.

“Sorry. had to fix something quickly, do you feel like talking about it? Is there anything you need?”

Scott just looked up, these were the moments Logan hated not being able to see his eyes.

“I’ll just go back to bed I think. Thank you for back there.” Scott answered with a weak voice.

“Would you maybe like some company? I wouldn't mind.” Logan tried his best helping Scott, but he truly had no clue what he was doing or what he was supposed to be saying.

“I think I just wanna be alone for a minute, I might come by during breakfast.” Normally Logan would smile hearing this but after what just happened he doesn’t know if he’s even able to smile now.

“Oke I’ll just leave you alone, you can always come by my room for anything even if it’s just getting you a snack.” He said, trying not to sound too desperate.

Scott nodded and walked away, Logan could see him being weak in his steps, he didn’t wanna be overbearing and assumed he would at least make it to his room so for once he let it slide.

Scott just laid on his bed again crying some more, he had no idea what possessed him to do such a thing. Especially not so out of nowhere, even though it was over he was still scared by himself. The fact that he had come so far and needed the help of another person to not die.

His head started racing again, not the way it did at the river. Now it was just all the bad thoughts, it hurt him. He thought of Jean, of his attempt, his past. He wanted them to stop, he needed them to stop. It hurt so much, he couldn’t deal with this pain. He rolled his sleeve up, saw a pocket knife laying around and picked it up.

For a moment he felt completely numb to danger, the thing in your brain that would normally stop you from doing harm to yourself was gone. He slit it over his wrist and watched the blood flow out. He did it a couple times more ‘till he felt a little better again.

Now he looked at his arms and just realized what he had done, although he didn’t regret it. He was surprised by the fact that he could do this to himself and how it made him feel afterwards.

He put some tissues over it, cleaned the mess up and went to sleep. It was surprisingly late, for him it had felt like only an hour had passed.

When Logan walked upstairs he was still worried about Scott and to make sure he actually made it to his room he walked past it. After not having seen him anywhere he went to his room and also went to sleep. Not that he’d get much.

Chapter Text

The next morning Scott woke up, for the first time in a long time he had actually slept comfortably and not just to drown out his thoughts. He put on his clothes and decided he was gonna eat breakfast with everyone this morning.

When he put on his shirt and usual cardigan he looked down. He saw his arms and what he’d done to it, he brushed it off and finished clothing himself.

He opened the door, felt a rush of nerves rushing through him, started to doubt if it was a good idea, breakfast of all things, but he felt obliged especially to the younger kids who were worried about him.

Suddenly his hunger was gone. He felt nauseous, not throwing up, so he kept walking. He wasn’t sure why he felt as determined as he did but he did.

To make sure he would make it to the kitchen he started thinking of something random, started to almost fixate on it, letting his muscle memory bring him there.

After a minute or so he had arrived, to make sure he wouldn’t get a ton of stares he had left a little early. Now he saw Rogue and Ororo making breakfast. They still gave him a surprised stare, but from them he could handle it.

Then Ororo walked up to him putting him aside a bit so Rogue wouldn’t hear it.

“Scott, how are you doing? I saw you yesterday in the kitchen.”

Scott was shocked for a moment not knowing anyone saw him, “Yeah I’m fine now, just a rough night.” he answered. With how Logan acted when he saw her, she was sure it was bigger than that but didn’t want to press, especially now that he’s back.

“Glad to hear that”

“I didn’t know you would eat with us today,” Rogue said

“I thought my absence was taking a little too long.” He felt a bit uncomfortable being back again, as if he was talking to strangers. When he stayed in his room the depression also removed his emotions and anxiety. It felt weird having it back again so sudden.

“Do you want us to make cereal for you or do you want to start smaller?”

“A little bowl would be nice, thanks Ororo.” He answered, he just went to sit at his usual place waiting for others to arrive and Ororo and Rogue to be done with breakfast.

Most would just eat cereal, but Ororo and Rogue would always make extra’s. And if you told them they didn’t need to put that much effort in breakfast Ororo would just put on her teacher voice telling you breakfast is the most important meal of the day.

Soon after more people arrived, they did all look surprised seeing Scott, but were also smart enough to know they shouldn’t be staring. Scott was very grateful about this.

When Logan entered the room he looked the most surprised. He went to sit next to him with Ororo on the other side.

“Nice seeing you here Slim, are you feeling better now?” Logan asked, whispering to him.

For some reason Scott had completely forgotten about what happened yesterday and got a small flashback remembering it all. His brain would often do this, he would forget about all kinds of big events, or he would feel emotionless about the events. He hated it, made him feel like a robot.

“Yes I’m fine, yesterday was just a bit crazy, it won’t happen again.” Scott said it genuinely believing it, he never wants to lose control like that ever again.

Logan reacted by patting him on the back with a small smile.

The rest of the breakfast Scott slowly ate his cereal and talked a little with Ororo, the conversation not having its usual flow, but he was already grateful they were talking again.

After breakfast he went to his room again, he had to recharge. It felt like he was emotionally drained. When he had entered the room he felt the grief come back, the distractions had made him forget about it.

Everything hurt again, he wanted to scream. He wasn’t ready to engage with the others already, but he needed a distraction. So he decided to take a shower, he took off his clothes and went under.

His arms started to sting, it hurt but the distraction was good. It was as if the stinging in his arm was grounding him, taking him away from the dark place in his head. He had felt a similar thing yesterday. Thinking of Jean now didn’t numb him anymore, it hurt now, it hurt so unbearably much, he even started wondering if he could ever think of her again without the pain.

He went out of the shower and looked around the room, traces of Jean her stuff still laying untouched. He’d decided to change his room a bit, too many things reminding him of her, but he felt scared.

All of Jean’s stuff was like a ghost of her wandering there, he couldn’t just put it away, even Jean’s side of the bed still carried a hint of her smell. Scott was normally a really clean man, cleaning the sheets every so often, but with her scent still lingering he hadn’t allowed anyone to come and clean them. But now it has taken too long. He was going to take it slow, but the sheets needed to go.

When he was done he was surprised by himself. He had put this task off for so long he had expected to be in tears but instead he was fine. He wondered if his emotions were appropriate or was he wrong for feeling like this. It made his thoughts spiral again, when suddenly Logan came in, snapping him out of it.

He looked around and saw the pile of fabric and the freshly done bed.

“Wow Scott, just wanted to check in on how you were doing, didn’t expect you to be this active.” Logan said.

He noticed Scott's face, looking worried, confused and a bit sad.

“What’s wrong, you seem to be doing good but your face is worrying me.”

Scott waited a little thinking of what to say. “How do you do it? You’ve been living for almost 200 years. How do you do it?”

Now Logan too had confusion on his face, “what do you mean?”

“Well you lost many people over again, even a loved one once, how do you handle it?”

“I don’t to be honest, when I lost Kayla I was sad I lost the woman I loved, but I was also filled with anger. My situation was very different, everytime I lost someone I walked away or went to fight for revenge. For you there is no revenge and there is no walking away.”
“So will I ever get over it?” Scott asked, almost desperate.

“I don’t think you will, it will get easier and you will learn how to move on with life, but thinking about her will still make you sad even if it has been decades.” Something Scott always appreciated about Logan was that he was honest. Others would tell you something they think you want to hear, but Logan would be brutally honest even if it broke you.

“Thanks Logan.”

Logan nodded and walked out of the room.

When lunch time came around he just stayed in his room. He was thinking about coming to dinner, but lunch felt like too much too soon. In the meantime he went to watch some tv.

During his depression the smell of Jean gave him comfort, now that he’d changed the bed he had expected to miss the smell, but it felt nice. He thought maybe the comfort also made him miss her more.

Since it was a school the students weren’t allowed to have a tv in the room, but when Jean and Scott were young they’d gotten one for themselves alone. Most of their friends knew about it and would sometimes even gather in their room to hang out. Of course their friends wouldn’t snitch but sometimes the professor would come in and Jean would just control his mind to not see it.

Of course now he had to come up with a different solution, luckily for him the professor rarely came to visit the students room, especially now that they’re not really students anymore.

Time went by and suddenly Scott woke up, he was completely lost of everything. After a minute or two he realized he’d fallen asleep, he checked the clock, it was a little before dinner. Just enough time to fully wake up.

He walked to the kitchen, again seeing Ororo with Rogue. He wondered in all the time Logan had stayed here if he ever made dinner. Probably not, He wouldn’t even trust him in the kitchen.

“Hey, can I help with something?” Scott asked.

“Oh hi Scott, ehm you can help chopping the onions and then the peppers.” Rogue said.

Scott went to work, he’d often helped around in the kitchen, although he wasn’t the best chef he could make some basic meals.

“Oh Scott I don’t know if you’ll like this so if you don’t there’s soup in the fridge. I seriously don’t get how you haven’t gotten tired of soup already.” Ororo said.

“Honestly can’t tell you either, I’m just praying everyday they won’t discontinue the soup.”

Halfway through Rogue came up to him. “Could you maybe knead the meat with the spices?”

“Oh sure, hand me the bowl.”

When Scott got the bowl he went to roll up his sleeves, when he saw his scars he shot int panic mode rolling them down fast. “eh Rogue I completely forgot me and minced meat don’t go well together with my sensory issues and stuff, I’m sorry.” He tried to say it in a normal tone but it came out a little rough.

“Oh that’s fine, could you get the pan ready instead?” Rogue asked.

“Sure thing.” Scott answered and went to the pan.

After about half an hour they were done, they’d made several small dishes so people could just grab what they like, they had meatballs, a salad, some bread, and more.

They went to sit at the table, most of the people already having arrived. Scott made some small talk again eating his soup and some bread. After having eaten so little for so long he couldn’t eat too much too soon, luckily having skipped lunch kinda helped. Yet he still felt absolutely stuffed afterwards.

This time he felt less drained but still decided to go to his room. He put on the tv and watched a sitcom. When it became time to sleep he put on his pyjama and went to sleep.

But he couldn’t sleep, his nap had given him too much energy to fall asleep this early. He couldn’t watch any more tv so he just decided to sit it out.

Unfortunately for Scott this meant no distractions and thoughts on full speeds. It did help that it was dark so he didn’t have Jean’s stuff to remind him of her more than he already was. This time he could handle it enough, he just cried and cried sometimes barely even being able to breath. Even if it’s hurt it felt good and it will always be better than the numb feeling.

After a while he had become exhausted from crying and without noticing fell asleep.
The next morning, he woke up. He saw that it was almost time for breakfast but unlike yesterday he didn’t feel like going. He’d shown himself multiple times yesterday and was tired, even though he hadn’t done that much he was drained.

Scott just layed in bed doing nothing, he felt numb again, the rush of emotions he felt yesterday were now all gone again. He felt defeated. He’d just lay there in bed hugging a piece of clothing that belonged to Jean.

Since he had began eating again, his stomach was now begging for food. The hunger he had lost for so long had come back and it almost hurt. He just ignored it, he knew it would go away after a while getting used to the lack of food.

Even when lunch time came around Scott didn’t move a muscle, the others had become worried again, just before Lunch started Ororo wanted to check with Scott, but Logan stopped her.

“I just want to check on him, he seemed so alive yesterday.” Ororo said in a quiet tone.

“I get that but I’m afraid pushing him will put him more in his old shell.” Ororo didn’t know what to say back, she thought he was right too, but didn’t want him to be, she wanted to be there for Scott.

“Tomorrow we’ll check on him regardless if he comes out or not, but for now let’s give him some space.” And they walked back to the kitchen.

Scott had now skipped lunch but there was a problem the hunger didn’t go away. It now felt like a stabbing pain and he knew he had to sneak out and get some food.

Scott waited ‘till he knew everyone was done with lunch and stood up, but something they don’t tell you about depression is that when you have no motivation your energy levels go away with them, of course it also didn’t help that Scott had become really skinny and now also wasn’t eating.

With a heavy fight and slow steps, Scott made it to the kitchen, luckily for him there was no one. He just grabbed a snack that would fill him just enough and walked back.

The rest of the day he still didn’t do anything, but he felt bored. Not in a way that you’d feel in class but in a way that he needed to do something.

He hated this feeling, his mind telling him to do stuff but not giving ideas of what or the motivation to do so. He was completely mentally drained yet his mind found just enough strength to nag and be annoying.

An hour later he couldn’t take it anymore, his thoughts kept nagging at him, telling him to do stuff, good stuff, bad stuff. Bringing up that Jean wouldn’t want this. He felt out of control, something he’d swore to never do again.

He looked around the room, almost in a panicked state, he felt as if he’d gone crazy. Saw the knife again. With his mind gone haywire there was no rational thought anymore to tell him not to do this. And so he did, he held the knife in that familiar way and did what he had to do.

After he did it he felt similar relief. His brain had quieted itself and he was able to fall asleep after all.

Logan was now also laying in bed, worried about Scott as usual. The last three days had been really hectic and he hadn’t seen the man all day and wanted to check, to be honest Logan wanted to check on him constantly.
He just told himself today was a bad day. And when you can relate to Scott in some way you know bad days will come and nothing can prevent them, he was just hoping tomorrow would be better again.

Chapter Text

All the x-men were woken up by an alarm, it was only 6 am but there was an emergency going around in a city nearby. Scott woke up in shock, having to catch his breath for a moment. Recently it hadn’t been very busy with missions so people started getting a little too relaxed.

Scott got dressed as quickly as he could, just like Logan, Ororo, Kitty, Marie and Bobby. They rushed to the professor asking what was going on. Charles explained that there was a small explosion going on in a factory nearby, not too big but big enough for it to be a little suspicious.

“This couldn’t just be a simple accident?” Scott asked a little grumpy due to being woken up this early.

“It could but we aren’t sure, it also seems that the explosion was too big for it to be an accident so I don’t think so and taking a look can’t hurt anyone.”

“Easy for you to say.” He muttered under his breath.

They went to the blackbird, knowing the situation a little less rushed than supposed to. Ororo took the steering wheel and started the jet.

“You doing okay Slim?” Logan asked.

“Yeah just tired of all these people doing crime in the morning, I’ll promise to be less grumpy once the clock strikes 10.” Scott answered.

After a minute or five the jet was finally stable enough to walk around, although most preferred to sit in case of sudden movements, tiredness and laziness.

“I’ve picked up some bread from the kitchen before leaving. Do y’all want some?” Marie asked.

“Yes please, my stomach is begging for it” Bobby said.

Marie handed the bread out to everyone and went back to sit down again.

“When we get there we’ll divide in teams of two, I’ll go with Ororo, Logan you go with Marie and Kitty will go with Bobby.”

Marie was a little disappointed not only couldn’t she go with her boyfriend, he was also going with someone she didn’t trust to be around her boyfriend. Her relationship with Bobby hadn’t been the greatest recently, she saw him hanging out with Kitty a few times and Bobby seemed a little more withdrawn. She wasn’t sure if he was withdrawn in general or just withdrawn from her.

She didn’t have a long time to be thinking about the situation ‘cause soon after they arrived at the location. They walked out, the black bird being a bit of a distance from the factory to not stand out too much.

As soon as they arrived they became serious and in complete silence walked in. All taking a different route to end up where the explosion had happened.

“What do you think it is?” Ororo asked Scott in a whisper.

“Honestly I think it was either an accident or just a mutant fucking around.”

“Probably yeah. I gotta say it’s nice seeing you around again even if you were absent yesterday. Haven’t been on a mission with you for months.”

“I know, and although I don’t like waking up at 6 am or having to put my life in danger I gotta say I also enjoy being back on a mission again. When we walked into the professor's office I was sure he was going to send me back due to my lack of participation.”

“To be real honest I think he would’ve actually done it if the mission wasn’t so small, but glad it is.”

“Oke we gotta be quiet now, we’re getting close to the big room.”

They went silent and kept walking, stopping in front of a door. Fortunately for them it had a small window to look through; they waited until they got a notification that the others were also at their planned spot. Then Scott and Ororo were supposed to take a look.

“Hang on isn’t that John?” Scott asked bewildered, almost forgetting to stay quiet.

“It most definitely is.”

They send out a signal to the others that it was safe and opened the door.

“What the hell are you doing here?”

John looked surprised, but regained his confidence and gave Scott that cocky smirk he always had.

“Just you know hanging around, playing around with fire.”

“John?” Bobby asked, having now also walked to the scene.

“Oh great iceman is here too.”

“Aren’t you supposed to be with the brotherhood?” Bobby asked still with the shock on his face.

“Maybe I am and you just don’t know. Nah I’m kidding they kinda just left me here.”

“Why would they do that?’’ Scott asked, intervening in Bobby and John’s conversation.

“You tell me, I guess magneto was getting tired of me, my powers haven’t really been the best lately.”

“So you’re telling me they just left you here for no reason?” Ororo cut in.

“I guess, I mean you never know if this is a trap.” You could hear the frustration in his voice but he kept his cocky smile and tone nonetheless.

“Do you at least have somewhere to stay?” Bobby asked.

“Well I’ve been staying here for the past week, although with that explosion today I think I might have to move since it was obviously loud enough to bring the amazing x-men to me.”

“You’ve been staying here for a week already?”

“Yeah, I mean it’s alright. Not complaining honestly, I can handle myself you know.”

“Oke cut it out with the jokes, you can stay with us if you want.”

“I’d rather starve to death or freeze until my toes fall off than be a part of that stupid club of yours.

“Now come on, don't be stubborn, you can leave whenever you want but just come with us for now.”

“Absolutely not, now leave me alone. It’s bad enough they send six x-men for a little explosion. I was planning to practice a little more.”

Logan was getting frustrated now, they’d been woken up early in the morning to go on a stupid mission for a stubborn kid.

“It’s taking long enough now, either you come with us willingly or I’ll force you to.
“As if, I'm staying, you can’t force me anyway.”

As soon as he said it Logan walked up to him, picked him up and was about to walk back to the black bird.

“Oke oke I’ll come.” John finally gave in.

They walked back with John being behind them all, Logan sometimes looking back just to check, John knew walking away would be pointless.

“What do you think happened?” Marie asked Bobby.

‘’I think he’s speaking the truth, it seems like something the brotherhood would do, and he looks a little off. And well of course the fact that he looks like he hasn’t slept well or like he has taken a shower recently only confirms it.”

The rest of the trip back was fairly quiet with everyone still being in need of sleep, except Logan of course but he was always fairly quiet.

When they finally got back to the mansion they took John to the professor his office.

“John long time no see, how have you been doing?’’

“As if you care.”

“I do indeed care, you might have always been quite the troublemaker but I’ve cared nonetheless, especially after you turned to the brotherhood. I hope Magneto has been treating you well.”

“Better than you, he treats me like potential.”

“I see, not to be rude but is that also why he left you alone in a random factory for you to fend for yourself?”

“Maybe you don’t know what he had planned for me.” John said clearly, having been offended by the comment.

“Sure, now tell me what happened.”

“Not much, the brotherhood has been chaotic recently, possibly planning something and then they dropped me and a few others off.”

“May I know how many?”

“Around 20, mostly children or screw ups.”

“Oke good to know, you can all leave now, Bobby will bring you to Hank for a check up and afterwards to a room.”

They left one for one, Scott staying behind.

“What do you think is going on? You seem to know a little more than us.”

“I don’t know if you noticed but he’s not as confident as he acts. I read his mind a little, he thinks he failed magneto, that the people the brotherhood dropped off were unneeded soldiers. And I think he’s right I wouldn’t be surprised if they were planning something really big right now.”

“Should we keep an eye on him and the brotherhood?”

“Well I send him to Hank to see if there might be some spying device that he doesn’t know of and about the brotherhood, that’s gonna be hard. The best thing to do now is wait for the results on John and if he’s safe for us to pick up the other mutants. After that we’ll send out someone to spy on the brotherhood.”

“Oke I’ll go to Hank for the results and report back.”

“Good idea, and Scott I’ll send out Logan if needed, so you can take some rest.”

“Oh no please professor, I need to get back into missions anyway. These small missions would be great to build it up again.”

“If you say so, but Logan is still coming with you. During my scan in John’s mind I’ve found some of the locations, the rest I’ll try to find with cerebro, I will send them to the black bird once I’m done.”

“I can deal with that, thank you professor.”

“No thanks.”

With that Scott left his office and went to the underground lab to check with Hank. He hadn’t been down here in so long, it felt almost weird. He spoke with Hank for a long time either. During his depression he had seen him a few times and Hank had sometimes checked up on him but never much. After he had seen Hank when they ate together but they’d never been close so even then there wasn’t much of a conversation.

He soon got to the lab and walked in seeing John just being finished with his check and Bobby standing almost nervously next to him. Scott had always thought there was something between the two that no one knew about.

“You can leave, I can’t find any significant problem.”

The two left the room.

“Hello Hank, I’ve come here to check in with the results.”

“Hey Scott, always a pleasure to see you. I don’t have much information, Bobby filled me in on the situation so assume you’re also going to ask if I noticed something significant besides his health, but I couldn’t find much.”

“So you did find something?”

“Well,” Hank said unsure “not really, a lot of the things in his body are slightly elevated, still at a healthy level, but it’s weird for them all to be high.”

“Oke thank you for the info, just a heads up we might bring more people to the lab with the same situation.”

“Good to know thank you for telling me I’ll be prepared.”

Scott left again. He knew cerebro could take a while so he planned to leave at 2 pm. In the meantime he was first going to the kitchen to eat some, he wasn’t planning to avoid anyone today, but on mission days he always just ate whenever he felt like it.

In the kitchen however students were eating it was 8 am now, an hour before classes would start, luckily for him and Logan neither of them would have to teach due to circumstances. Not that the students would mind either.

He just walked past the table of people eating and went straight to the kitchen. He didn’t mind eating with the children, but wasn’t in the mood for it today and it didn’t help that Ororo and Logan weren’t there. Funnily enough when he walked in the kitchen both of them were sitting there eating alone.

“Same idea huh?”

“Yep.” Logan answered, taking a big bite of a hamburger while Ororo was eating a bowl of yoghurt with some fruit.

“Where did you even get a fully prepared hamburger?”

“Oh you’d be surprised,” Ororo said. “he has a whole stack of them in some secret fridge which also contains a concerning amount of beer.”

“I’m not going to ask, and I won’t snitch if I can get a beer at events, I’ll even pay for them. Those parents are insufferable, always nagging that their child who doesn’t do anything during classes gets a D at a test.”

“Oh sure I’ve got enough space, especially if you’re gonna pay your part. How are you doing now by the way I know I asked earlier but you seemed too tired to feel anything besides grumpiness.”

“I’m alright, I gotta say though that I’m glad for this mission today, I’m not sure I would've gotten out of my room otherwise.”

“Why, something bugging you?” Storm asked, clearly with some concern. Especially since most of the talking has been between Logan and Scott and Ororo missed out on a lot.

“Nah, but after the last few months it’s like having to learn how to socialize with everyone all over again.”

“Oh oke, and I’m sorry for asking but I have to. May I ask what happened a few days ago? It seemed like you had some accident and that caused a turning point in your behavior.”

This made Scott his stomach drop, he had again forgotten about it, it was seriously starting to get annoying. The reminder also made him overly aware of the scars on his arm that no one including Logan knew about yet. He didn’t know what to tell her, should he be honest or should this stay between him and Logan. On one hand he didn’t want to concern him but he also knew she was already concerned and on the other hand he wants to be honest to Ororo no matter what. It was just so hard to talk about it, his mind started racing again.

Then Logan stepped in, clearly seeing what the question was doing to him.

“Ehm Scott should I say it? Or do you want to wait with this?”

Scott calmed down by this question and moved his head slightly from right to left. “You can tell her.” Scott said with a small voice.

“Friday Scott left the mansion on his motorcycle, a student informed me he saw him leaving, and seeing the circumstances I went to follow him.” Logan had to swallow a bit, he also struggled telling the story remembering what happened. “I found him near a river, he was walking towards it. He looked like he was somewhere else in his mind, I sprinted towards him and held him before he could fall.”

Ororo her face kept dropping and she looked like she was about to cry, Scott also felt awful hearing it back, hearing Logan talk about how he seemed so off. It was like reliving it all again.

“Oh Scott, come here.”

Ororo walked towards him embracing him tightly, now the tears really started to stream down.

“It’s nothing I was in a weird state, I’m out of it now.” Scott said trying to comfort Ororo.

“I’ll believe you, but please come to us if you feel yourself slipping away. I’ll always love to help you.”

“Me too,” Logan added. ”except with grading homework and tests, I’ve had enough of that now.”

They were now laughing again. They finished their breakfast and talked for an hour or two. Then Ororo had to leave to teach a class. Logan and Scott continuing the conversation.
The rest of the day was filled with picking up mutants and eventually bringing them to the lab where they all got examined. None of them seemed to have the same elevated levels like John and they were provided a room. At 8 pm they were completely finished.

“That was exhausting, some of these people can be so stubborn, we just wanna give them a room above their head.” Scott said frustrated.

“Luckily it’s over now.”

“I’m going to my room now, maybe watching some television and then taking an early night's rest.”

“Wait, you have your own tv? And you didn’t even tell me?”

“Yeah me and Jean bought one and hid it from the professor, you’re welcome to come join whenever.”

“Don’t mind if I do, I’ve been bored out of my ass in this shithole, I had to make an entire secret fridge just to get some beer. And no way I’m watching tv with these children, Marie I can handle but the rest.”

The two of them walked to Scott’s room, sitting next to each other on the couch first watching some random movie, later zapping through the channels not finding much and settling on a hospital show.

“Honestly it’s always the same with these series, just them doing a shit ton of medical malpractive, advocating for the cliënt to get royal treatment ‘cause that tiny little bruise is ‘not just a bruise’ and then discovering some rare illness two other people on the world have. They should start adding mutants, maybe then we’d actually believe these weird situations.” Logan started rambling.

“Sure if you say so, you know you can audition to be one of those patients, if you’re so passionate about it.”

“Absolutely not, I've got enough on my mind.”

“I think I’m going to bed now though.”

“Alright I’m going back to the kitchen to have a few more beers. I’ve missed the alcohol so much, these shit stores didn’t have my beer in stock for like a month.”

“You go do that, goodnight.”

“Goodnight.”

Logan went down to the kitchen, for once not feeling worried about Scott being alone in his room, it felt nice having him back like this. And if he had to admit he liked how the recent stuff had brought them closer he didn’t have many other people to hang out with and Marie was busy with her boyfriend.

After Logan left Scott took a shower and put on his pyjama’s to sleep, he really was exhausted after all that happened. And of course since he wasn’t used to all this anymore. 5 minutes later Scott was sound asleep.

Chapter Text

When Scott woke up the next day he felt weirdly motivated. It had been months since he teached his last class and he decided today was gonna be the day to start again. He got himself dressed and walked downstairs to the kitchen.

It was still early enough for the kitchen to be empty, which he definitely did not mind. In about an hour the room would be swarmed with hungry students filling their stomachs before having to go through another day of school.

Since he was the only one there he decided he was going to make breakfast today, he grabbed flour, eggs and milk and started mixing until it was the right consistency, having to sometimes add more flour then more milk. After five minutes he had two bowls filled with pancake mix, hoping it would be enough. He then turned on the gas and grabbed three pans putting some pancake mix in all of them.

This went on for like half an hour until all the mix was gone, he was now left with three plates of high pancake towers. He put some foil over them making sure they’d stay warm. In the meantime he started cutting up some fruits and grabbed all the pancake toppings imaginable. For the few people that didn’t like or wanted pancakes he made a fruit salad and baked and cooked some eggs. Not to forget he also filled some carafes with milk, water and lemonade.

After he was done he had a table filled with food, he might have overdone himself a little though. And soon the first students and teachers started to arrive getting enthusiastic when seeing the breakfast. When Ororo came in she had a shock on her face.

“Did you do all this Scott?”

“I sure did, don’t know how I finished in time, but luckily I did.”

“It looks fantastic, you seriously didn’t have to do all this.”

“Nah, I wanted to, I’ve been gone for so long I wanted to give back.”

“Well we appreciate it greatly.”

The table was now filled with students and teachers, ready to feast on the meal. On his left side sat Logan who was sitting next to Marie, on his right was Ororo having a conversation with Hank. The sight alone made him happy.

“Logan, I am going back to teaching again so you are free for today, you’re more than welcome to come visit though.”

“Oh wow, you think you’re ready for it, I can always fill in if it’s getting too much.”

“I think I can handle it on my own, but thanks for the offer.”

After breakfast the students went back to their room to get ready for a day of school and the adults started cleaning the table and putting the dishes in the dishwasher. After half an hour they were done and started walking to their classrooms.

Logan trusted that Scott was ready, but still wanted to attend his class. Mostly to see how Scott was doing, but also because his classes hadn’t been the most professional and knew it would be best to let him explain it instead of the students.

When they walked into the class all the students were sitting at their desks, surprisingly John was also there with Marie and Bobby. Giving each other a quick glance from surprise they parted their way, Logan sitting in the back and Scott in the front.

The class went as normal, a bit of a rough start having to pick up where Logan left off, but besides that all was fine. When the bell rang Logan went to Marie who was fortunately sitting in the back as well.

“Why did John join the class? I didn't think he wanted anything to do with us.”

“Honestly Logan I don’t know. Bobby and him had a conversation this morning and suddenly his stubbornness was gone. He really seems to value Bobby’s opinion.”

“Uh huh. Well see you later.”

And with that Marie left the classroom.

“You figured out why he changed his mind?” Scott asked Logan as he was approaching him.

“Bobby convinced him. I don’t trust Bobby, If I’m being honest I think he’s gay.”

“I wouldn’t be surprised, he has more chemistry with John than Marie. But don’t you have to tell her then.”

“I don’t know if we’re right it could break her heart, but if we’re wrong we would be creating unnecessary drama. I could try talking with Bobby though.”

“I think that would be for the best, I’d hate to see Marie heartbroken by this”

After classes Scott headed back to his room. It hadn’t been a long day so he wasn’t too tired, but it was definitely something he would need time for to get used to again. He changed his outfit and glasses and decided he needed to get back into training. Yesterday reminded him that he hadn’t trained in months and crime didn’t wait for him to be ready.
So he went to the danger room put in a random scenario and started his training session. Big blocks of concrete came falling down, he shot them in pieces with his beams. He dodged the attacks and beamed the robots. But when he was catching his breath he got hit in the back. He fell down, his vision becoming blurry, the danger room immediately stopped the projection and Scott tried to stand up. He wasn’t injured or anything, he just received a hard blow. He hadn’t concentrated enough, his shitty cardio distracted him from danger. It made him angry at himself, disappointed and even made him feel a bit lost.

It wasn’t the first time a danger room session went bad, but it was always something difficult, something that he couldn’t have easily prevented. This was him being distracted and out of breath, something that would have been easily prevented. He knew his depression was bad and that he lost muscle and cardio in that time, he just hadn’t expected it to be this bad. He couldn’t even last 10 minutes in the danger room. And when he looked at himself he saw how skinny he was.

It was like looking at himself when he first came to the mansion, he was that skinny kid again that everyone called slim because it was the first thing they’d notice about him. It felt almost sickening, he hated his teenage years, and looking like that again he felt almost hopeless.

So he went to the gym and started running, lifting weights and training his legs. Just like in the danger room he was feeling tired really quick. But since it was almost time for dinner he decided to stop despite his disappointment. Went to his room to take a shower and put on some clean clothes. When he checked the mirror he noticed that his clothes were loose on him, something he hadn’t put any thought in before.

He then walked to the kitchen, the table filled with food, the sight alone made him hungry. He sat down in his usual spot, waiting for the chairs to be filled and started putting food on his plate.

“Wow bub you’re really going for it today, take it easy your body still needs to get used to so much food.” Logan said.

“I know, but I need to get back in shape with the brotherhood being active again.”

“Fair but please listen to your body too.”

“I will Logan you don’t have to worry about me anymore I’m normal again.”

“If you say so.”

Although he wanted to stuff his face he knew Logan was right and that there were big health risks attached, so he only filled half a plate.

“So how was your first free day again?” Ororo asked Logan.

“On one hand amazing, no screaming kids, no stupid questions, very relaxing on the other hand boring. Before I had to teach I didn’t have anything to do and now not either. I’m almost wishing for the brotherhood to be active again.”
“Jesus Logan, get a hobby.”

“You don’t think I have tried Scott? And it’s not like you can talk, you just overwork yourself so much you never needed a hobby.”

“Okay fair, but also just for your information I was made into a workaholic.”

They talked some more and afterwards Scott went to his room. It wasn’t that late but he was tired. He went to watch some tv and fell asleep.