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Chapter Text

Imaginary Rings

Los Angeles, 1996

(Eddie is 29, Steve is 28)

There was something particularly nerve-wracking about standing at the altar. All eyes on you as you faced the door and waited.

It reminded Eddie a lot of how he felt right before a show. He could picture it so clearly. The adrenaline rush. How his hands tingled in that good way as he flexed his fingers, all ready to reach for his guitar, to grab the microphone. He would jump from one foot to the other, unable to keep still as he waited to step up on stage.

The first time Eddie ever sang for a real crowd was in a shitty bar in his hometown when he was 15. That day, Eddie realized that was what he wanted to do for the rest of his life.

And he was grateful for every time he got to do it after the first time.

There was no rush like it. His whole body would buzz with excitement and anticipation.

He still remembered the low hum of the crowd behind the curtain from that first time. How it was only background noise until he started to step into stages as big as the ones he had once dreamed of. How it became impossible to ignore it when the crowds went from hundreds to thousands.

Thousands of people screaming his name.

It was a heady feeling. One that made fire burn inside of him. It was fucking addictive.

There was no rush like it.

Or so he thought.

Standing there, at the altar, it took him a whole minute to realize the feeling was the same. Sweaty hands and a pounding heart inside his chest. The murmur of the crowd was not as loud, of course, but it gave him the same electric feeling.

He looked up to the door, waiting to see him, and that… That made him realize how much stronger this feeling was.

Any minute now, Steve Harrington would walk inside that room and he would light up everything.

Eddie could picture him so clearly from the way his face had been seared into his brain since the first time he laid eyes on him. Broad chest and lightly tanned skin. A soft mop of hair on top of his head, always so carefully styled to look casual. He would be in a suit today, obviously. Steve had always looked good in a suit, and Eddie had always loved taking it off of him.

He would peel every layer of clothing, revealing a hairy chest with the prettiest nipples Eddie had ever seen. Soft thighs that Eddie loved to bury his fingers in, leaving red marks wherever he touched. And moles everywhere.

Eddie liked to think there wasn’t a mole on Steve’s body he hadn’t kissed or touched or loved.

That was when it dawned on him, how completely unprepared he was to see Steve. How devastatingly overwhelming it would be to see him in a matter of, what? Minutes?

He knew right then that there wouldn’t be a rush like that for him. Not a single show would even come close to how he was feeling right now, standing at the altar in his tux, waiting for Steve to walk in.

x

Indianapolis, 1989

(Eddie is 22, Steve is 21)

Eddie’s fingers traced Steve’s face slowly as he tried to commit to memory how he looked right then.

They were both naked, lying close together even if the bed they were on was massive. With all the space in the world, Eddie only felt right when his body was pressed up on Steve’s.

If anyone asked Eddie what city they were in, he wouldn’t know. Things started to get blurry after they had been on tour for a while, and Eddie didn’t actually care. The only two things he cared about were making music and being with Steve, and he had those two right there, so why the fuck would he care about where that was?

Things had just started to get good again after some bad times that Eddie knew he was to blame. He knew there were questionable decisions in his past that had made things harder than they needed to be.

But they were ok now.

Corroded Coffin was on their second national tour and things couldn’t be better for the band. Everyone always said how sophomore albums were difficult, especially when you had made such an impact with your debut like Corroded Coffin had. Eddie still had all the newspaper clippings from when From Hell was released, all the praises from big names like he had always dreamed of.

'Metal record of the year' read one of the headlines. 'Eddie Munson just has one of those voices' was one of his favorites and, of course, 'Corroded Coffin is the freshness we needed in terms of musicality and the hurt we wanted when we talk lyricism.'

Eddie had been completely taken aback by how well-received the album had been. He remembered celebrating the release for almost three days in a row, too drunk to know if it was day or night and definitely too happy to care.

Releasing their second album was one of the hardest things Eddie had done so far. There was so much pressure for it to be as good as the first one and for him to step up his game, learn from his mistakes, and make sure they didn’t happen again. And somehow, everything had worked out beautifully.

Love from the other side was a passionate album. An honest proof that Eddie Munson was in love. It was raw and real. It was already being praised and only three months after the release, Corroded Coffin had gotten on the road again.

Eddie hated and loved it. He loved playing shows. Loved the energy. But that usually meant his time with Steve was scarce. He was also touring his second album and Eddie couldn’t be more proud of him, so they made it work. Found time to see each other whenever they could and whenever Steve had enough time to fly to where Eddie was.

Sometimes the cities they were playing in just aligned, and it was beautiful. It meant Eddie could fall asleep tangled up in Steve, just like he was doing now.

He felt Steve moving, inching even closer and pressing a soft kiss on Eddie’s forehead. It was sweet in such a painful way.

“Thought you were already asleep,” Eddie whispered, not wanting to disturb their peaceful quiet, and felt Steve sighing against his body.

“Almost. But I miss you,” Steve said. He always said stuff like that. His words were like a blanket, wrapping themselves around Eddie’s heart.

“I’m right here, sweetheart. Won’t go anywhere.”

Eddie was always promising things to Steve. Promising to stay. Promising to just be there. It was like Steve couldn’t believe he got to have Eddie, sometimes.

“But you will. Tomorrow,” His voice sounded sad and Eddie shushed him, letting his hand go up and down Steve’s spine, hoping that would give him at least some comfort.

“And then we’ll be together again in no time, Stevie. You’ll see.”

“Yeah, but I already miss you. And I’ll miss you even more tomorrow.”

Eddie chuckled. He could hear how tired Steve was from the way his words came out all mushy. It was cute.

“There’s going to be a moment where we won’t need to miss each other, sweetheart.”

“Can’t that be now?”

Eddie sort of loved it when Steve was all bratty like that. He sounded as spoiled as Eddie knew he was and it was lovely. Like Eddie was something good to be had. Like Steve liked the idea of having him.

“We’re a little busy right now, sweetheart. You know, touring and making the best music of the year. But soon, Stevie. Promise.”

Steve moved again, ducking his head enough to capture Eddie’s lips in a kiss. It was a soft one, unlike the ones Steve had given him when they had first seen each other a few hours ago. Those had been hungry kisses. Desperate ones.

But now, they were both naked and sated, the haze of their orgasm still lingering between them like it always did. Steve’s kisses were almost chaste. His lips felt warm and delicious pressed on Eddie’s and he knew he wanted to kiss those lips forever.

He and Steve were a complicated little thing from the start. Too many things could go wrong between them and yet, they were making it work, somehow.

And Eddie was in love with Steve. He had been for a while and it had scared the shit out of him when he first realized it, but now it felt like an essential part of him. Necessary for him to live just as much as the air that filled his lungs with every breath.

Looking at him now, though, Eddie knew Steve was it for him.

He knew he was going to marry him, someday. And he hoped like hell that it didn’t take too long for that to happen.

He couldn’t wait to love Steve Harrington forever.

x

Los Angeles, 1996

(Eddie is 29, Steve is 28)

Eddie had always considered himself a down-to-earth kind of guy. That was up until he met Steve Harrington.

Steve made him see the world in a whole new light and he was aware of how cliche that sounded. His bandmates had made sure to mock him for it when he and Steve first got together.

But there was no denying how everything seemed to get muffled once Steve walked in the room. Eddie watched it happen right now, his eyes focused on Steve as his chest tightened like it was about to explode.

He must’ve made some sort of sound because the next thing he noticed was Gareth’s solid presence next to him, hand squeezing hard at his shoulder as if he just knew Eddie needed him to pull him back from the Steve-induced haze.

“Just breathe,” Gareth whispered in his ear, and Eddie tried.

He tried to get his lungs to work, tried to get a good gulf of air inside, because he could already see the spots in front of his eyes and how pathetic would it be to just pass out like that, in front of that many people?

Wouldn’t be the most embarrassing thing Eddie had ever done, but it would get pretty close. It would have made Steve pretty mad, too, and Eddie didn’t want to make him mad. Not today out of all days.

“I’m breathing,” Eddie replied because Gareth was getting restless next to him and he didn’t want him to cause a scene or anything.

“I can see your face getting red from lack of air. C’mon, in and out, dude.”

Eddie chuckled and shook his head, finally breaking eye contact with Steve. The world seemed to tilt back to its axis and Eddie wondered how the hell he ever lived without him.

“That’s better. You ok? I thought you…” Gareth started to say, but he never finished his sentence and Eddie knew why. Gareth was being way more supportive than Eddie deserved, after all the shit he pulled. And he didn’t want to trigger Eddie into anything.

This morning, Eddie had barely made it out of the groom’s dressing room, and they both knew there was a fragile line that could snap with any sudden movements.

“I’m ok. Don’t worry about me,” Eddie meant that. He knew how much Gareth had given up because of him. How many days and nights he had spent worrying about Eddie because Eddie couldn’t get his shit together.

He knew there was too much he needed to make up for, and his being here was already a big step for them.

This was Gareth’s wedding day, after all.

When Eddie looked back up, Steve had already blended in with the rest of the crowd, probably finding a place in the back to sit and disappear into. He didn’t blame him.

A few months back Gareth had called Eddie to tell him he had invited Steve to his big day. Eddie tried to have a nice reaction to it, but even the mention of his name made the pain flare inside of him.

He hadn’t seen Steve for years. Hadn’t talked to him for almost as long.

And the last time was something Eddie was still, to this day, trying his best to forget. He had fucked up so immensely and he didn’t blame Steve for not wanting to talk to him again. In fact, he understood it perfectly well. That was why he had told Gareth he would be at his wedding, no matter who was coming, but that maybe Gareth should adjust his expectations about Steve.

He knew Gareth and Steve had their own thing going. Knew they kept in touch even after Eddie had blown out their entire lives, almost 7 years ago. And that was why he wouldn’t blame Steve if he didn’t want to come. He probably knew Eddie was going to be there, at the altar, right next to Gareth.

And yet, there he was. Hidden somewhere between Gareth’s book club friends.

Eddie wondered too many things to be considered healthy. If Steve had seen him and how he felt about Eddie and if looking at him only brought out pain.

If he missed him, somehow.

The music changed and Gareth whispered to him they were about to start. He shook his head and tried to keep Steve out of it, despite that having been an impossible task ever since he first laid eyes on him, back in 1986.

Gareth was getting married and Eddie would do his best not to fuck this up, too. He would avoid Steve like the plague if he needed to.

Seeing him from afar was one thing. Eddie had gotten used to it from obsessively watching Steve’s interviews over the years, even after they weren’t on speaking terms anymore. But talking to him? Eddie didn’t know if he could handle that, and he wasn’t about to ruin Gareth’s big day because he wanted to be sure.

The nuptial march started and as everyone stood up Eddie could sort of make out Steve’s floppy hair somewhere in the back row. And if he focused on that to try and maintain his sanity as Gareth’s bride walked down the aisle, then that was for him alone to know.

He was trying to be a better person and making sure that his wedding went well was the perfect chance for him to prove that he could be.

He would do that for his best friend.

He would survive the day being in the same room as his ex-boyfriend, pretending that looking at him wasn’t ripping a hole in his chest, hating himself for being so weak. Then he would go home and cry his heart out. And he would go on, knowing the love of his life was out there, somewhere, and that he would never get to have him again.

Chapter Text

The Post, April 14th, 1996.

A very metal wedding

Last night, Gareth Walker finally tied the knot with his long-term girlfriend, Jessi Walker (nee Williams). The drummer of Corroded Coffin had a lovely ceremony in a mansion outside Los Angeles, and he was joined by his bandmates, Eddie Munson and Jeff Rodriguez, who were both his best men.

Corroded Coffin first rose to fame in 1987, with the release of their first album “From Hell”. The band also released a second album that went on to become even more successful than the first one, but in 1989, after unknown circumstances and a tour canceled halfway through, Corroded Coffin went into a hiatus.

The band has yet to come back from said hiatus, but it seems like the members are still good friends, if the wedding pictures are anything to go by.

Even with the hiatus, Corroded Coffin are still signed under Richard Harrington’s label, H&H Records, and both he and his son, Grammy winner pop star Steve Harrington, were also at the wedding. That’s definitely a good sign for those waiting for them to come out of retirement.

Besides them, there were a lot of known faces in attendance, and you can check a few of them in the pictures below.

x

Los Angeles, 1996

(Eddie is 29, Steve is 28)

It was like they were doing some elaborate dance, but only Eddie seemed to be aware of it. Especially because his brain seemed to be on high alert, aware of where Steve was at all times.

He would laugh at something Jeff had said, but his eyes would avert to the side, where Steve was standing chatting with Gareth’s nana. She always did like Steve, so Eddie didn’t blame her.

Eddie would consider going for the dessert table only to notice Steve was there, piling up a plate with one of each because he believed the only way to truly make a good decision was to know all your options. Eddie would laugh, back then, and make fun of him because no matter how much people thought he was cool, Steve was just a dork.

The knot twisting inside his chest was enough to make Eddie walk the other way, as far as he possibly could from the table and from Steve. Seeing him was already reminding Eddie how the holes inside his chest were merely patched up, but not really healed. That was something he knew probably would never happen. He would never truly get over Steve, and he couldn’t tell if that was a good or a bad thing.

Steve Harrington would always be a weak spot for him, it seemed.

When he pushed the bathroom door open, he noticed his hands were shaking. He knew that. Knew the pressure always made his body turn on him like that. It always showed him just how weak he was. He went straight for the sink, figuring a splash of cold water would do him good.

The ceremony had been beautiful, and Jeff’s speech was even more so, especially because he was nice enough to include Eddie in it. Eddie, who was such a shitty friend he hadn’t even managed to write a speech for his best friend’s wedding.

He knew he was being a bad friend. He also knew Gareth would never say anything about it. He had been pretty insistent that Eddie should be the best man, even if they both knew Jeff would have to carry his slack like he always did. Somehow the three of them were close to 15 years of friendship and neither Gareth nor Jeff seemed to be tired of Eddie, no matter how much shit he pulled.

He was the reason their dream was on stand-by after all. And Gareth and Jeff had been mad at him for a few months before the three of them had fallen back into their old routine.

It was nice, having friends like that. Eddie just wished he could be half a good friend to them as they were to him.

Maybe tomorrow, though, because for today Eddie felt like he had had enough. The party was going on full steam outside the bathroom and Eddie could see everyone having fun, he just couldn’t really join in. Maybe he would tell Gareth he had a headache and he needed to go lie down. He knew Gareth wouldn’t question him. He would just frown, the worry bleeding into his features as it always did when he talked to Eddie.

Maybe he should just dip and not say anything. Spare Gareth of having to worry about him for one fucking day.

The water felt good on his face and he rubbed some on his neck, too. He could feel the skin cooling under his palm and he could feel the world coming back to him. He was still the same fuck up, but maybe he would manage to make it out of this wedding without making a fool of himself.

When he felt ready to leave the muffled quiet of the bathroom, Eddie reached for the doorknob but was interrupted by someone coming in. And since Eddie was probably the most unlucky person in the whole world, the pair of brown eyes looking at him were familiar ones.

Ones that haunted his nightmares, still.

“Eddie Munson.”

Eddie sighed, taking a step back. “Richard Harrington.”

It wasn’t news to anyone that Steve and Richard had the same eyes. But where Steve’s were kind and soft, Richard’s were always sharp, like they could cut you at any given moment.

“Long time no see. It almost feels like you’ve been avoiding me,” Richard said, that condescending tone of his giving Eddie the chills.

“I would never,” Eddie said sarcastically. He knew he was playing with fire, but even when he and Steve were on speaking terms Richard was never exactly his favorite person on earth. And somehow Eddie was fucking bound to him by some dumb contract.

“Of course you wouldn’t. You know, ‘97 is looking like it’s going to be a good year for the metal scene,” Richard said conversationally, even though Eddie was pretty sure he had never had a casual conversation in his life.

With Richard, everything had a purpose. And Eddie seemed to be his chosen target of the night.

“Well, I’m going to make sure to keep my eyes open for something interesting next year,” Eddie said, and he moved to walk past Richard but felt a firm hand closing around his wrist.

Richard was always like that. Passive aggressive. A fucking asshole.

Eddie wondered how the hell he had managed to raise someone like Steve.

“H&H would be happy to have a new album for fall.”

There it was.

“Oh, I see. Well, I can see if I know someone who’s looking to sign a deal-”

Richard tightened his grip on Eddie’s arm. “Don’t play dumb with me. You and I both know you’re not dumb.”

Eddie snorted. “Well, if we take a closer look at the last few years of my life, we might find out I’m way dumber than I look.”

Richard let go of him, but Eddie knew he was far from free. He leaned in, hand pressing on the door right next to Eddie’s face, cornering him there.

“I’m not in the mood for your jokes, Munson. You listen closely. You and your boys still owe us two albums and it’s time to pay up your debts.”

Eddie had no idea where the courage to face him had come from, but he locked his eyes on Richard’s, hoping he sounded more confident than he felt.He would be damned if he would let him bully his way into getting a new record out of Corroded Coffin.

“If only you asked nicely,” Eddie said, still reckless enough to play with fire.

“I’m done asking nicely. You either get your shit together or I’m suing you and your boys for everything you have. I’ve been patient, Munson. But I’m done,” Richard said in a snarl.

Eddie licked his lips. He could feel his heart beating fast in his chest, adrenaline coursing through him.

“Then you might want to take a break and call your lawyers. Excuse me,” Eddie moved, forcing Richard to take a step back. He exited the bathroom, shaking more than when he first walked in.

So much for not fucking things up again.

x

Everything was ok.

And then it was not.

That was how it always happened in Eddie’s life, ever since he can remember.

The thing was, if you threaten someone and tell them to call their lawyers, you should just make sure they won’t do exactly that. And that if, for some reason, they do, that you have enough firepower to fight them on it.

Something Eddie Munson didn’t currently have.

There were a lot of late-night phone calls between him, Gareth, and Jeff, trying to figure out if they could escape that. But there were clauses and contracts and obligations.

Eddie was willing to fight it, even if it meant him losing everything he had. Well, everything he still had. Everyone knew Eddie had already lost everything. What he had now were just material things. Unimportant things.

A house he hadn’t been to in over 6 years. Too many good memories there for him to taint with his cursed presence. He had made enough money that his uncle could have a nice house in a nice neighborhood. That he wouldn’t need to work another day in his life, but Wayne liked to work to keep himself busy.

He didn’t need more money than that. They could take it all.

But Eddie heard it on the high-pitch of Gareth’s voice. The desperation. The fact that they had just discovered Jess was pregnant and Gareth was going to be a dad. He needed his things. Needed the money.

The only reason they were in this mess right now was because of Eddie’s big, stupid mouth, and he would be damned if he was going to hurt his best friends again in this lifetime. One time was enough to almost break them.

Jeff was the one that called H&H to tell them they were in. And that was how they found out Richard’s rage wasn’t directed only at Corroded Coffin.

“Steve’s back,” Jeff had said, eyes trained on Eddie as if he was expecting him to freak out.

And he was. He was freaking out. But he couldn’t let them see it, otherwise they would just worry even more. They might do something crazy like call it all off for Eddie’s sake and Eddie couldn’t have that.

“What do you mean?” Gareth asked, knowing Eddie wouldn’t find the words so quickly.

“I don’t know exactly. Richard’s assistant wasn’t very eloquent. She just said Steve would be joining us on the tour,” Jeff shrugged and Eddie could feel his heart beating like crazy inside his chest.

“You said on the tour?” he asked, voice straining. What the fuck did that mean?

“Yeah. I guess we’re, uh, doing a joint tour. Corroded Coffin and Steve Harrington.”

“Well, shit,” Gareth said, but Eddie’s mind was already trying to put pieces together.

Had Richard done that to punish him? To punish both of them? Was he a sadist, willing to make everyone’s life a living hell just because he could?

That didn’t make much sense. But the more Eddie thought about it, the more he realized Richard Harrington wasn’t concerned with making sense. He wanted to show how much power he had. And he wanted to show Eddie just who he was dealing with. If Eddie didn’t play by his rules, he knew Richard was more than capable to fuck Steve’s life.

God. He should’ve known that he would always be a pawn in Richard’s game. Used to make sure he could control everyone he wanted to. Gareth. Jeff. Steve.

If Eddie could, he would give everything to make sure they were free. He was going to find a way to do that, but if he had to survive a tour with his ex-boyfriend, then he would do that. He would smile and play nice and pretend he still loved music the way he used to.

Pretend Richard hadn’t fucked that up, too.

The second Eddie knew that everyone was safe, that Richard couldn’t get to any of them anymore, he would disappear. Gone from their lives because he knew, had known it for a long time, just how much better off everyone was without him.

x

Los Angeles, 1986

(Eddie is 19, Steve is 18)

Eddie couldn’t believe they had actual studio time in less than 48h.

Richard’s assistant had been extremely sweet and helped them get a few slots for the week, smiling and nodding, seemingly approving their excitement. Jeff and Gareth had gone to find their parents so they could go grab something to eat before looking at places, but Eddie had forgotten his jacket and now he was lost inside the maze that was this building.

He was hoping, no, praying, he wouldn’t run into anyone but no one had ever known a Munson man to be lucky.

“You lost or something?” The voice came from behind him. It was sweet in a venomous way, as if whoever that was knew Eddie wasn’t supposed to be there.

Was it really that obvious that he didn’t belong?

“Uh, hey, sorry, I was just…”

Eddie turned so he could buy some time to make up an excuse, but then he laid eyes on the most gorgeous guy he had ever seen, and every rational thought flew right out of his head. Floppy brown hair that framed his face perfectly as if he had been sculpted or something. He had these piercing brown eyes that looked at Eddie like he was a small bug he had stepped on, and fuck it if Eddie’s mind wasn’t twisted enough to be enjoying it.

“Did you hit your head or are you really dumb? Hello?” The guy said again and Eddie shook his head, forcing himself to snap out of it.

“Forgot my jacket,” he managed to say, raising the offending piece of clothing as if that made perfect sense.

“Right. I don’t care. My dad hates people who snoop around, so I suggest you leave before I call security.”

Eddie wasn’t proud of the fact that it took him a full minute to register the words and the face in front of him. His dad. Richard Harrington’s son.

“Steve Harrington,” Eddie managed and watched as Steve’s face twisted into a predatory smile.

“That’s me,” he said, and now he just looked like he found Eddie deeply amusing. “And you would be…?”

Eddie blinked, chewing at the inside of his cheek. This was definitely not the way he envisioned meeting his new boss’ son. Especially not when said son was actually a very famous, very successful musician. The first name signed on H&H records.

“Eddie, uh, Munson. Nice to meet you,” Eddie offered his hand, but after Steve just glanced at it, not making any movement to take it, he retreated and shook his head. He was nailing this.

“Well, Eddie Munson, I was going to say it’s a pleasure, but I don’t like lying. Are you in a band or what?” Steve’s voice sounded bored now and there was this thing inside of him that desperately wanted to change that, even if he didn’t know exactly why.

“Yeah, your dad just signed us and we are so excited to start making music. We’re actually moving to LA to-”

“Didn’t ask for your full life story. And just so you know, dad signs lots of trashy bands every year just to see if any of them can actually make it. Most don’t, and I have a feeling I already know where you and your band will fall on that statistic.”

Eddie knew he was being insulted for no good reason other than the fact that he was at the wrong place at the wrong time, but he smiled and that seemed to surprise Steve. He wasn’t a masochist to actually enjoy getting trashed like that, but he was used to people looking down on him and calling him names. If he was being honest, Steve sounded like his bullies did when he was in fifth grade.

“Aren’t you a delight? Guess the years with girls screaming after you did affect your brain, huh? Good talk, Harrington,” and with that, Eddie turned on his heels and left. He wished he could’ve taken a picture of Steve’s shocked face because that would definitely be worth a space on the walls of his future apartment.

x

Los Angeles, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

The day Eddie Munson's time was up, his phone rang.

The sound echoed through the room, waking him up from a troubled sleep. He was lying upside down on the king bed, head lolling out of it. Too heavy for him to pull it up.

He blinked awake as the answering machine beeped and a voice cut through the quiet of the room. Splitting through his head, making it throb.

"Munson," said a voice he thought he would never hear again. "Time's up. Get your shit together. We have work to do."

Eddie rolled on his stomach with a grunt. He had forgotten to close the blinds the night before, and the sun was now threatening to set him on fire.

He wouldn't be so lucky.

"You know what's expected of you. Don't fuck this up. And stay. Away. From him."

The call ended, filling the room with static and loneliness. He didn't have a choice.

He hadn't been seen in public for over a year. The last time had been a disaster he was still paying the price for.

When he was 18, Eddie Munson made a deal with the devil.

He was 30 now. And the devil had come to collect.

x

Eddie was informed he was expected to do a joint interview with Steve.

He had long ago given up on arguing. Richard was set on destroying him little by little and he knew Steve was his fucking weak spot. He knew that if he put him and Steve in the same place, Eddie would be on high alert. Eddie wouldn’t dare try to fuck with Richard if Steve could end up being collateral.

So when the phone rang, Eddie knew there was no escaping it.

If he was being completely honest, Eddie had never been good with interviews. He had too much energy to stay still for so long and he got lost in his own words, never knowing how to say what he wanted to say. And to make matters worse, there was always someone who was trying to outsmart him and ask him something that would get him in trouble.

To make matters worse, Steve was a fucking natural. It wasn’t really surprising, given he had basically been raised in the spotlight. He got famous really young and having Richard as his dad meant Steve was always working or thinking about work.

So when you put Steve and Eddie together? That was a recipe for disaster. Especially if they weren’t on speaking terms, just like right now. Just one more chance for Eddie to make a fool of himself.

The interviewer seemed nice. Well, as nice as someone trying to fight you for the right answer can be. Steve was being overly polite to him, laughing at his jokes at just the right time and softly patting his shoulder whenever Eddie’s brain started to run in circles.

Eddie hated it.

He liked when Steve was messy and sarcastic and just a little bit bitchy because that was the real Steve. The one who would roll his eyes at Eddie’s pathetic attempt at comedy and who would physically prevent him from talking more than he should.

And he was stuck in this hell thing like it was some sort of punishment for putting them both through this.

They explained how the tour was going to work. How Steve would be a sort of opening act although their shows would basically have the same length. Eddie shared a bit about what he and the boys were working on. Revisiting old songs to see which ones fit The Golden Years and which didn’t, working on some new material, yeah, but he couldn’t say much about that.

The chat switched to Steve again, which made Eddie take a deep, relieved breath. This was almost over. They were almost done.

And then.

“What can you tell me about that 7-year hiatus?”

If Eddie was being honest, he should’ve seen that coming. Even if that wasn’t on the list of topics he knew H&H had supplied the interviewer with. Even if they had decided not to address it on purpose. All Eddie wanted was to leave all that behind.

Maybe he was being a little childish to think he could simply choose to forget all about it. To keep that part of his life hidden just because he didn’t like looking at it. And he knew he was also giving up on the good times. On the part of his life where he and Steve were in love and when he honestly thought they would find their happy ending.

He knew that wasn’t true now, but they were really happy back then and even then Eddie was willing to give that up if it meant not thinking about all of his massive fuck ups.

And then there was this fucking interviewer asking this cursed question, and Eddie was frozen on the spot. He could feel his face completely static, unable to even form a reaction and he blamed himself for being so innocent he didn’t even consider this could happen.

He didn’t even prepare.

And that was always his first rule: prepare for the worst.

The interviewer was looking at him with glee, as if he just knew he had backed Eddie into a corner just now and was feeling pretty satisfied about it. Eddie’s brain was scurrying to find a good answer, a reaction, anything, but it was empty. No thoughts. Only his impending doom, crashing and burning their tour even before it started.

“Things were pretty intense back then,” Steve said out of nowhere, and as if he had won the lottery, the interviewer turned to him, a little cynical smile Eddie would love to smack out of his face.

Eddie looked down, knowing he was done for. Steve was so angry at him that Eddie wouldn’t even blame him if he wanted to spill everything. Hell, maybe that was Steve’s way out of this mess Eddie had put him in. If Steve told everyone the truth about what happened back in 1989, Richard would have no choice but to call out the tour.

He would probably cancel Corroded Coffin’s contract on the spot, arguing that they were too expensive to deal with, with all the PR money they would need to fix this mess Eddie had created by being dumb in his 20s.

“Intense how?” The interviewer asked, moving a little to the edge of his seat as if he just knew this was the scoop of a lifetime.

“Well, you know. Parties, booze, girls,” Steve laughed. It was so perfectly timed that Eddie knew it was fake, even if he was a damn good actor. “The usual. I guess me and the boys weren’t really ready for that and…”

This was it. Eddie dared a glance up at Steve, but he was looking forward with no signs that he would even acknowledge Eddie beside him.

“Thankfully,” Steve said and that made Eddie frown. He was pretty sure he wasn’t thankful for anything back then. “H&H, the label, they saw it before it could turn into a shitshow.”

Huh. What?

“But was there something that triggered that?” The man asked and Steve shook his head almost instantly.

“No! God, no. Can you imagine? Anything could’ve happened. Any of us could’ve gotten seriously injured with how reckless we all were. But you know, we were young and dumb and there were all these parties and money going around. It was easy to get lost in it.”

Wasn’t that the truth? But still, Steve was talking as if Eddie hadn’t… As if he hadn’t made everything so much worse.

“And you did… get lost in it?” The interviewer asked, but now Eddie could hear in his voice that he wasn’t so smug anymore. He wasn’t so sure of what he was fishing for here and Steve was making it seem like there was… nothing.

“A little, yeah. Listen, I’m not proud of any of that. Did some things I regret and I just feel so very lucky that I was able to come out of it unscathed. That we all were. And I do need to thank H&H for seeing the signs. For realizing things were about to get real bad if they didn’t put a stop to it, and so they did. They paused our tours and they told us all that we needed to do better. That we should take a step back and understand why we were doing this. Why we were doing music.”

Steve was… lying. Through his teeth and as if he didn’t have a care in the world. If Eddie didn’t know him and if Eddie didn’t know firsthand what had happened and just how bad things had been back then, he would have believed every single word coming out of his mouth. That was how good Steve was.

The interviewer went back to his notes as if he was afraid he had lost something. He was having whiplash after thinking he had just hit the jackpot.

“And then…?” he asked, but he wasn’t interested anymore, as if he just knew this was a lost battle already.

“Then we stopped. I’ve been meaning to go back, but it’s hard to do that after you stop. It’s like we have to learn everything all over again, isn’t that right, Eddie? I mean, not literally, I still know how to play the piano. But writing songs and working crazy hours at the studio… That shit is a muscle that you need to keep exercising.”

Steve softly touched Eddie’s shoulder, as if he wanted to bring him back to the conversation. Eddie was… shocked. Scared, too. Afraid he was going to say the wrong thing and undo Steve’s perfect lie but once he looked at him, Steve was just nodding his head, encouraging him.

“Yeah, me too. The break was… good. For me. So I could go back to my roots and find all the things I was missing back then. This tour is going to be about that. About reconnecting with ourselves and learning from our almost mistakes.”

Steve smiled brightly and openly at Eddie as if he were a kid in school who had just gotten the right answer to a teacher’s question. And Eddie felt it, right in his stomach. After all this time, he was still yearning for Steve’s approval, in any way that he could get.

The interviewer smiled and nodded and looked back at his notepad, scratching something as he searched for his next question about the Tour structure and all the cities they were excited to visit. And just like that, the bomb had been disarmed by Steve Harrington’s crazy good media training and Eddie didn’t know if he had ever been more grateful for him.

x

Once the interview was done, Eddie found himself lingering back. He knew the smart thing to do was just leave and not bother him. They had to survive an entire tour, after all, and Eddie just knew he probably wasn’t Steve’s favorite person right now.

As if him fucking things up for everyone in 1989 wasn’t enough, Eddie pissing off Richard Harrington at the wedding had had consequences for Steve, too.

But Steve had effortlessly saved his ass and the tour, and Eddie just wanted to say thank you, not one single ulterior motive.

His hand hovered over the doorknob, unsure if he really wanted to do that. Seeing Steve at the wedding had been one thing. Even sitting across from him had been different. This… this was Eddie, reaching out. Eddie desperately wanting to know how bad things were between them.

With no one looking, Steve could let his mask slip down and Eddie would know just how much he had fucked up.

He knocked, turning the doorknob and pushing the door open. Steve’s eyes met his through the mirror and his face remained expressionless. The silence that filled the room was a little oppressive and Eddie didn’t like it.

“Uh, I just wanted to say thank you for, you know…” Eddie started, crossing his arms for lack of something better to do. Steve was just watching him like a hawk eyeing its prey, as if he knew Eddie was full of shit.

“Don’t mention it,” Steve said, and for some reason every one of his sentences seemed so final whenever he was talking to Eddie lately.

Well, he knew why. He knew he was one fuck-up after the other, for years and years. He knew that if Steve knew what was best for him, he would stay as far away from Eddie as possible. But Eddie also knew Steve had a hard time holding grudges and maybe Eddie was a bad person for taking advantage of that, but he just needed them to be ok.

“No, seriously. I think I have to. You didn’t need to defend my honor or anything and that reporter was being a dick anyway, but I know H&H wouldn’t be happy if I talked back during the interview. You kept me grounded, is what I’m saying.”

Eddie saw the littlest change in Steve’s expression, caught off guard by his honesty, probably. It was true, though. Steve had always been a master at anything related to PR and keeping their images squeaky clean so Eddie wasn’t ashamed of admitting that.

He also happened to know Steve liked to have his ego stroked. Nothing wrong with that.

“Well, at least one of us knows how to do the job properly,” Steve’s expression turned to ice again in less than a second as the words left his mouth. Eddie felt his entire body turning cold with it, making chills run down his spine.

So much for a truce.

“Uh, sorry, I wasn’t expecting him to ask that point blank. I thought they had made sure to cross that question from the approved ones since I didn’t see it on the-”

“Don’t you know by now that you need to be ready for it?”

Eddie uncrossed his arms, unsure of how to respond. He didn’t want to pick a fight with Steve and he hadn’t come here for that, but it seemed like Steve was in the mood for it.

“I don’t… H&H wants to protect us-”

Steve scoffed, loud and mean. “My dad wants to protect his ass. What do you think people would say if they knew why we were both pushed to a hiatus seven years ago? Don’t you know how bad things will be if that shit gets leaked?”

Eddie would be lying if he said he hadn’t thought about it. He was paranoid for more than a full year after it happened, barely sleeping and checking the news constantly to make sure no one knew. Always afraid that someone would find out, that someone would tell the world the real reason for their hiatus and Eddie was sure, back then, he wouldn’t be able to handle it.

Seven years later he started to believe no one would ever know. Richard was a powerful man, and it was clear that he had made some powerful moves to bury the story, away from the press and the public’s eyes. Eddie started to sleep through the night once he understood that, but that didn’t mean he didn’t lie awake some nights, wondering what he would do if that leaked.

“No, I know. But still, you protected me, and I-”

“Yeah,” Steve said, and his tone was sharp, cutting right through Eddie’s chest. “It seems like we can’t trust you to do your job, so I needed to step in.”

Eddie couldn’t argue with that. He hadn’t been ready. He had been vulnerable and open and that was something that couldn’t happen again if he wanted this tour to last. And he knew he couldn’t give Richard any reason to shut it down. To punish them for Eddie’s mistakes.

“I’m sorry. It’s not going to happen again,” Eddie tried, but Steve had checked himself out of that conversation. He was back to gathering his stuff as if Eddie wasn’t there anymore.

Eddie knew that. He knew that MO as well as he knew a lot of things about Steve because he had seen him doing it to other people whenever he was upset or hurt. Eddie knew it was a defense mechanism and knew he shouldn’t take it personally, but as he excused himself from the room, wondering if he had made things even worse than they already were, he felt a familiar tightness in his chest.

The one that only came when he and Steve fought. The one that kept reminding him that he wasn’t good enough for him and probably never would be, no matter how hard he tried. No matter how much time had passed.

Even when they had first got together and Eddie was still riding the high of getting Steve for himself, he already knew he was never going to be good enough. It had started as just a general feeling of him knowing Steve would get tired of him eventually, would find someone better to hook up with.

It turned into Eddie thinking Steve would wake up one day and realize he didn’t love him, even as he constantly said how much he did whenever Eddie felt insecure.

It finally burst when Eddie fucked up badly enough that Steve had no other choice but to leave. Eddie had hurt him and Steve couldn’t find any more excuses to keep forgiving Eddie, to keep pretending he was good enough for him. Seven years ago, Eddie had just helped Steve to see how bad he was for him. How they would never, ever fit together because Eddie wasn’t what Steve needed, no matter how much Steve was exactly what Eddie wanted.

The pain had subsided a little by now, but today, as Eddie walked out of the building with his backpack and his thundering heart, he felt every single sting of that pain as if it was November 26th, 1989.

x

Los Angeles, 1987

(Eddie is 20, Steve is 19)

Eddie had an issue. One that he knew annoyed his bandmates, but most of all Gareth.

Every time they went into the studio, Eddie left with all this pent-up energy, and he had no idea what to do with it. It didn’t matter how tired he was, it seemed to him that making music was a never-ending fuel and he would, most of the time, leave the studio even more electrified than when he first got there.

At first, Gareth and Jeff would indulge him. Sure, they could go out to get some burgers after the super late-night rehearsal. And yeah, Gareth would make a supermarket run with him because why not?

That worked for the first few months of their living in LA, away from their parents for the first time, responsible for themselves and their time, no curfew, nothing. But what no one tells you about making music is that this shit is hard.

It’s a lot of all-nighters, going back to the studio over and over and over again. Meetings with a lot of different people all the time. Never-ending contracts and brainstorming sessions. It was tiring as shit and now, almost a year into their first contract, Gareth appreciated a good night of sleep more than ever and Jeff was happy to be left alone to watch movies until his brain had melted completely.

Eddie? Still had all that fucking energy. But he loved his friends and he wanted to keep his band together and he knew he needed to give them a break, so he would entertain himself. Sometimes he would go for walks in the middle of the night or would restock their groceries. Other times he would find himself at the one bar that let him in even if he was still underage. The bartender would slip him a beer occasionally, but Eddie didn’t like to push his luck.

More often than not he would go to a 24h diner a block away from H&H Records headquarters. If he was lucky, he would find someone he knew from work there and maybe have some company for an hour or two. Just long enough for the buzzing inside of him to subside so he could go home and not fear Gareth or Jeff’s rage.

Tonight wasn’t his lucky day, it seemed. Eddie had been sitting alone at the diner for the last 40 minutes. He had already demolished a full stack of pancakes and drank at least two cups of shitty coffee even if he knew that would only make him feel worse.

Today had been a rough day in the studio. They were in the home stretch with their album, but Eddie wanted, no, he needed, it to be perfect. And it seemed that he and the studio crew had very different ideas of what perfect was. After a week of back and forth, debating about a song called Tiny Little Pieces, they had given them an ultimatum. Accept the changes the producers wanted them to make or scratch the song entirely. This would only set them back at least a few more weeks because Eddie would need to choose another song to take its place and the cycle would begin again.

It was hell, honestly. Jeff had pleaded with him to just accept whatever changes, but Eddie wasn’t sure that was the right move. To make matters even worse, they heard Steve Harrington was releasing his second album in a few months, and that made Eddie spiral even further.

Harrington had released an album less than a year ago and he was already doing another? And they couldn’t even get their shit together to make one fucking album in that time?

“Fuck,” Eddie murmured, dropping his head on the table with a loud thump sound. Maybe he should go outside and smoke a cigarette.

Maybe he should call Harold and let him know they were doing the changes and then he was just going to forget about this song. That was the mature thing to do so From Hell could stop being a dream–an expensive, time-consuming dream– and become something real.

“You lost, Munson?”

A voice came from above and Eddie raised his head to meet Steve Harrington’s round, brown eyes. Because of course, he would find him there on this night, out of all the nights.

“Are you? This doesn’t seem like the kind of place for a Harrington to be,” Eddie snapped back, adjusting himself on the booth so he wouldn’t look like a loser anymore. Well, as much as that was possible.

Steve was dressed impeccably, as always, which annoyed Eddie to no end. Tonight he looked particularly hot in a deep green suit that made his eyes pop. His hair didn’t seem to have one strand out of place and Eddie would bet he smelled like a million dollars. Not that he ever spent time thinking what Steve Harrington smelled like.

While Eddie was in his beat-up plaid shirt and ripped jeans. He probably had smudged eyeliner all over his face, and his hair was doing that annoying thing it did whenever he skipped a washing day and his curls weren’t super defined. He fought the urge to reach out and put it in a bun because nothing ever got past Steve and he would definitely notice it.

“How would you know?” Steve said, absentmindedly. He motioned for the waitress and, much to Eddie’s surprise, sat on the empty booth across from him. “Would you be so kind and bring me a blueberry pie, darling? And a diet coke.”

The waitress smiled as if the sun was shining right from Steve’s ass and nodded her head so frantically Eddie was afraid it was gonna pop out. He smiled at her and Eddie could see her melting in front of them.

“I don’t remember inviting you to sit down,” Eddie said, just to be a bitch. In the state that he was in he would take anyone’s company. Even Harrington.

“I don’t remember ever caring about what you do or don’t do,” Steve said back, but his words lacked his usual bite. It was like he was finding all of this rather entertaining instead of annoying.

“Really? Well, you sure seem to care based on the way you can’t keep my name out of your mouth, huh, Harrington?” Eddie said, smiling sweetly. Steve barked out a laugh as Linda set down his order.

“Guess someone’s been keeping tabs on me. I feel flattered, Munson,” Steve said, taking a bite of his pie and making a fucking pornographic sound as he tasted it. Eddie would like to believe he was stronger than this, but he let his eyes fall to Steve’s mouth for a second too long and he imagined licking the taste right out of his lips.

Fucking hell. Not today. He couldn’t possibly be having horny thoughts about Steve Harrington today. Not with him sitting right across from Eddie, making this pie look like it could star in a porno.

“That was a fun interview,” Steve said as if he just knew he had left Eddie speechless. There was this glint in his eyes that made Eddie think he also knew all the dirty thoughts crossing his mind. “Dad said single sales and enquiries for Eddie Munson and Corroded Coffin grew 800% since I said your name, so if I were you I’d be grateful I even pronounced it right.”

“Oh right,” Eddie said, stretching his hand and swiping at the whipped cream just because he knew it would annoy Steve. He proceeded to put his finger in his mouth to lick it clean and couldn’t contain his surprise when he found Steve’s eyes fixed on him. “What? You want a thank you card?”

“That’d be a good start,” Steve said and now he just had a weird look in his eyes. One that made Eddie feel like prey. “I had other things in mind, though.”

What the fuck?

Steve said that and took a sip of his Diet Coke as if this was just a normal Wednesday night. Eddie felt frozen in place. What the hell did he mean by that?

“You’re usually so chatty, Munson. What happened? Am I making you-”

“You’re not making me anything!” Eddie interrupted Steve, trying to regain any sort of dignity but Steve just let out a low laugh and shook his head.

“Of course I’m not. Look at you, practically destroying the paper napkin because you can’t sit still.”

Fucking hell. Eddie would rather die than have Steve Harrington read him like that.

“Shut up, Harrington. Studio time leaves me too amped up, don’t go flattering yourself on my account,” Eddie said, letting go of the shreds of paper and putting his hands in his lap, away from Steve’s eyes. “What’s your deal anyway? I’m pretty sure your outfit doesn’t belong in this shitty diner.”

That was a good move on Eddie’s part. Trying to put the attention back on Steve instead of himself because he could feel that he was about to snap. Steve just needed to push a little more and Eddie knew he would love that more than anything.

“Dad wanted me to charm a few investors at a stupid party. I bailed once this old lady thought giving the label money meant she could get a feel of my ass,” he said like it was nothing. Like getting objectified at a work party was just how his usual night out went and for the first time ever, Eddie felt bad for Steve.

“Shit, man. Fuck her,” he said and Steve just waved his hand, stuffing the last piece of pie in his mouth.

“You’ll get used to it,” Steve said and there was nothing Eddie would like less than getting used to being groped in public. “Besides, who can blame her? It’s a pretty good ass. And don’t deny it, Munson, I’ve seen you looking.”

Steve was something. He didn’t look drunk or high, so Eddie wondered if this was just his default. Eddie’s cheeks grew hot, and Steve smiled once he noticed it as if that had been his intention all along.

“Fine,” Eddie said because he had just been backed into a corner and maybe he wanted to see what Steve’s reaction would be. “It’s a nice ass.”

Steve laughed again, but this time it was deep and a little rough. He got up and fished his wallet from his jacket pocket, throwing 100 dollars on the table. Eddie’s eyes widened and he kept still as if he was afraid to get noticed.

“Well, c’mon now,” Steve said once it was clear Eddie wasn’t going to move, offering his hand.

“What?”

“My place is a few blocks down,” Steve said as if that made perfect sense. It didn’t, so Eddie just blinked at him. “I have an idea of what you can do with all that energy, Munson, let’s go. I’m not gonna offer twice.”

For all his big talk, Eddie really was just a weak man. He took Steve’s hand and let him drag him out of that shitty diner, saying a big thank you to Linda on their way out as if there was anything normal about Steve Harrington dragging Eddie Munson to his place at one in the morning.

x

The Tribune, November 29th, 1989

Do we smell trouble?

Last Friday fans of Corroded Coffin were left waiting for a show that never happened.

At first, it seemed like just a delay. Something that had happened before on the 'Love from the other side' tour. After more than an hour, the production team released a statement, apologizing to the crowd already inside the venue and saying that night’s show had been canceled.

Refunds were being offered to whoever was already inside the venue, but no explanations were given.

Corroded Coffin’s members, Gareth, Jeff and Eddie weren’t seen again after that and all other shows of the tour were also canceled with no explanation.

Right now, fans are worried that something might’ve happened to them and that H&H, their label run by none other than Richard Harrington, is keeping things under wraps.

Our team tried reaching out asking for an official statement with no response from H&H or any of their representatives.

Chapter Text

Seattle, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Eddie would love to think he was chill as a breeze while boarding the jet for their short trip to San Francisco but that was as far from the truth as possible.

But who was he trying to kid?

After Jeff had called in about Corroded Coffin getting back together, things started to move fast. Eddie knew H&H was eager to get them back, but they truly weren’t wasting any time. In less than two months, Eddie’s life was thrown into the crazy rhythm of pre-tour.

Which meant a lot of people getting in and out of his hotel room. Wardrobe, taking measurements and doing fittings, tech tests and choices. Vocal warm-ups and doctors to make sure everything was ok. Eddie was supposed to go back to his physio exercises too but he hadn’t bothered so far.

Knew someone would be up his ass about it during the tour so he was just enjoying his last moments of freedom.

Photoshoots and endless meetings to decide what would be on their setlist, something Eddie would love to have more control over, but he didn’t. If they got to choose three of the songs, he would already consider it a win.

And Eddie could feel Richard lurking whenever he had the chance. Just making sure his shadow was always there, so Eddie wouldn’t try any funny business.

He blinked, and then it was already time to board the private jet to San Francisco for the first show of the tour. Hopefully the entire tour would be like that, a blink and then it was over.

Flying was also not on his list of favorite things and he was insanely grateful that most of the tour would be done using tour buses. No one had said anything about it, but knowing Steve, he would have one to share with Robin, Eddie would probably share one with the boys and the crew would have a third one.

Which meant he would be able to hide on the bus whenever he needed. It was going to be fine.

The car stopped in the hangar and he could see Jeff was already there, talking to the pilot. Probably asking a million questions about his license because ever since Eddie can remember, Jeff’s dream has been to get his own so he can fly them whenever.

He got out and was saying thank you to the driver and making sure he had all of his suitcases when he saw them. Steve and Robin were standing in a hidden corner of the hangar, chatting quietly. And right next to them was Chrissy.

Eddie had to tear his eyes away as soon as he recognized her strawberry blonde hair because if she caught him staring she would probably make her way to him and Eddie had no idea what to say to her.

He hadn’t seen Chrissy in years and even just the memory of her made him squirm and recoil. She had never been anything but nice to Eddie and he kind of hated himself a little for even having that sort of reaction to her presence.

Picking up his things, Eddie walked towards Jeff, knowing he would be bored out of his mind with all the plane talk but that beat having to face Chrissy (and Steve and Robin) any day of the week. Jeff greeted him with a big smile but he clocked the other group pretty quickly, frowning and raising a brow at Eddie, who just shrugged in response.

No, he had no idea what that was all about. In fact, he was surprised Chrissy was still part of Steve’s life after all those years. And not in that casual way where they would see each other once a year for coffee, promising to catch up more often just to never actually do it.

If she was here, saying goodbye to him right before tour, then they were probably pretty close.

“Let’s head inside. Gareth should be here any minute,” Jeff said shaking hands with the pilot and promising to write him an email about his recommendations. “C’mon Eddie.”

Jeff didn’t give him much of a choice, his hand was gripping Eddie’s arm tightly as he directed him to the stairs leading up to the jet. Getting in quickly was probably a good idea because that way Eddie could get a seat in the back and pretend to be asleep so he wouldn’t even need to say hello to any of them.

“What’s that all about?” Jeff whispered in his ear as they climbed the steps and Eddie shrugged again.

“I thought Chrissy would be long gone by now,” Eddie said, walking to the far back so he could put his plan in motion.

“She’s still modeling,” Jeff supplied, using the small window by Eddie’s seat to peek outside at the three of them. Eddie looked too because he was a curious bastard–and a masochist one, too.

“Good for her, I guess,” he said. If they looked up and searched for Eddie’s window they would probably be able to tell he was watching them, but that was unlikely so he let himself look for a minute.

Steve’s hair was carefully styled and he was wearing his favorite pair of black ray-bans. Robin was saying something and Chrissy was laughing at her while clutching Steve’s arm and shaking him slightly. Steve wasn’t a guy who liked physical touch unless it was from someone he knew well, so that was another red flag on Eddie’s little list of things that felt wrong.

If he was being honest, everything felt wrong about that. It felt wrong to be going on tour with Steve while they weren’t even speaking to each other. It felt wrong to be back to music when Eddie knew he couldn’t trust himself. If things started to go bad, he would have to leave and he knew Richard wouldn’t be too happy about it.

Jesus fucking Christ, who thought was going to be a good idea to be stuck on a tour with your old band and your fucking ex-boyfriend? Eddie was so dumb sometimes.

He had made a pact with himself that if he felt like he was slipping, he would just leave and not look back. Jeff and Gareth would probably forgive him when he told them it was for his own good but CC would be done for good if Eddie walked away again.

Best to focus on the good things then. But Chrissy’s presence right now was making it extremely difficult.

Steve had his back to him, but Robin finished her story and Steve must’ve said something because the next thing Eddie knew, Chrissy was throwing her head back, laughing as if Steve was even that funny. Her hand was still around his arm and when she lost her balance–because apparently Steve had started a fucking stand-up comedy show– his hand swiftly moved to hold her up, wrapping around her waist as if it had any right to be there.

Eddie’s stomach churned at the sight and he had to look away only to realize Gareth had arrived and he and Jeff were staring at Eddie as if he had lost his mind.

“This is going to be harder than we thought, huh?” Gareth said to no one in particular. Jeff made a noncommittal sound, which Eddie appreciated, and Eddie just grunted in response.

“Can’t believe they are still friends,” Eddie said before he could stop himself. He wasn’t used to having people around anymore to hear his awful thoughts and he forgot he needed to police himself. If Gareth was judging him, it didn’t show.

“Uh, yeah, I was surprised to see her too. I know they stopped showing up in the press together a few years ago, but I don’t know if that’s just because Steve’s public appearances have decreased considerably. He only goes out for charity events or whatever,” Gareth supplied and that wasn’t the answer Eddie was looking for.

“Or, you know, whenever news is slow and someone catches a glimpse of him at the gym,” Jeff said and Eddie groaned because he did not need to have a mental image of Steve all sweaty and shirtless right now.

“Thanks, asshole,” Eddie said, with no bite to his words and Jeff mouthed a 'you’re welcome’. God, he hated his friends sometimes.

“Last I heard they were living together,” Gareth said, looking up as if he was trying to look inside his head to remember all the details. But that was new information to Eddie, who snapped his head in his direction, eyes wide.

“Steve and Chrissy live together?” Why the fuck had no one bothered to tell him that?

“Hey, I thought you knew,” Gareth said, raising his hands. “I remember reading about it and–”

Gareth snapped his mouth shut as soon as Robin’s slim figure walked through the door. Shit. She eyed the three of them suspiciously and Eddie sneaked a look outside to see Chrissy and Steve alone out there, still talking. It twisted at his heart in the worst way possible.

“The three of us live together,” Robin said simply and Eddie saw the blush creeping into Gareth’s cheeks once he realized she had overheard them. “Keep your facts straight, Walker.”

He nodded in her direction and Eddie let himself sink further into the chair, closing his eyes so he wouldn’t need to engage in any awkward conversation. He planned to pretend to be asleep to avoid Steve, but he ended up actually falling asleep before the plane had even taken off, and he was grateful for that.

Now he just needed to figure out a way to avoid Steve for the next months and he would be fine. Probably.

x

“What’s the deal with her?” Eddie asked no one in particular. The three of them were sitting in their shared dressing room.

It was a little weird for Eddie how easy it was to fall back into place with his two best friends.

He hadn’t exactly been the best of friends for the past seven years and if neither Jeff or Gareth wanted to look at him now, Eddie wouldn’t blame them.

But somehow, Eddie had gotten Gareth’s wedding invitation. He had even sent it to his hotel room, the one Eddie had been holed up in for the past 6 years, which made him believe Gareth had gone to deliver it personally to his house in Beverly Hills, just to find it completely empty.

After things went down, the house was just too big and too empty for Eddie to handle it. The hotel room, and the constant in and out of staff made things more bearable to him.

He would be lying if he said the wedding hadn’t been a little awkward. Gareth said he wanted both of them as his best men, even if that didn’t make any sense. As far as Eddie was concerned, Gareth and Jeff had stayed close during their hiatus years, even as Eddie pulled himself away.

But Gareth had said he was sure and that things wouldn’t feel right if Eddie wasn’t there, right beside him too. So Eddie made an effort. And Gareth was meeting him halfway.

“Robin or Chrissy?” Jeff asked, moving through his rack of clothes. First stop of the tour also meant double checking everything. Trying stuff out, seeing what worked.

“Either. Both. I don’t know,” Eddie said, knowing he sounded like a mess.

Gareth watched him through the mirror, a sympathetic smile threatening to bloom on his face.

“I told you what I know about Chrissy. Didn’t know all three of them were holed up together in that big mansion Harrington got a few years ago, but I guess that tracks,” Gareth said.

What he didn’t say was how the two of them and Steve had kept in contact with each other.

Not that Eddie cared. He didn’t. They had always gotten along pretty well, even when Steve was always too busy with Eddie’s mouth attached to his to even pay attention to anything else. And Eddie didn’t expect them to break up just because EddieandSteve weren’t a thing anymore.

He was not 6.

“Yeah. I get Robin but I thought Chrissy was old news by now,” Eddie said as casually as he could handle. Chrissy was a sore subject to him.

Nothing against her, personally. She was nice and all but there were things in their past that still kept him awake at night. It didn’t make sense for him to keep her around and then a thought crossed Eddie’s mind. Intrusive. Awful.

Were Steve and Chrissy… a thing?

Even thinking about it made Eddie’s blood run cold. His mind kept replaying the way Chrissy leaned into Steve. The way he touched her, with intimacy. Purpose.

“Hey, man, you ok?” Jeff’s voice broke Eddie out of his trance and he blinked, focusing on the room he was in. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”

Eddie swallowed thickly. The question about Steve and Chrissy’s relationship status hanging on his lips dangerously.

But he couldn’t ask that. Couldn’t let Gareth and Jeff think he was about to have a crisis about it.

“Yeah. Just nerves, I guess. What did you say?”

“Robin is the tour manager. She said that, didn’t she?” Gareth asked and no, Eddie was pretty sure she hadn’t mentioned it before. “She called me a couple of weeks ago.”

Jeff nodded, “She called me too. Wanted to know how I liked to do things on tour and how could she make sure I had everything I needed.”

And then, Eddie was left there, looking at them and thinking back at the call he didn’t take from Robin. At the way her voice cut through the room, threatening and unfriendly.

Maybe if Eddie had picked up the phone, he would know. Or maybe not. Maybe Robin was, right now, delighting herself in knowing she would be able to terrorize Eddie for months and he wouldn’t even be able to say anything about it.

“Tour manager, you say?” Eddie asked and then gave his best reassuring smile. “Oh, right. I think it slipped my mind.”

If they didn’t believe him, neither of them said anything.

Eddie knew he wasn’t Robin’s favorite person. Not after all the shit he pulled. Not after how much he hurt Steve. But she was a professional, right? She wouldn’t possibly use her tour manager status to make Eddie’s life a living hell.

Who was he kidding? She absolutely would.

x

Eddie should not be out here on his own and he knew it. But Eddie had never in his life been concerned about things he shouldn’t do.

The crew had asked Gareth to go check his drums and Jeff said he needed to discuss something about wardrobe and they left Eddie alone. He didn’t mind it, to be honest. Eddie had grown accustomed to the quiet of his own company, but then he decided to check the stage.

They were supposed to do their soundcheck in a little while and Eddie could already feel the buzzing. The anticipation. The need to be on a stage again. Adrenaline had been pumping slowly into his veins ever since they landed and now he could feel his brain giving in to it.

The rest of the venue was empty and Eddie didn’t think much about walking around to get a feel for the space. He had never been to this particular place, never played here before. Which maybe was for the best for their first show of the tour. Prevented Eddie from getting too lost in his own memories.

He could already see himself picturing all the spots he and Steve had fucked throughout the years.

Eddie had expected to find the stage empty, but Steve seemed to have had the same idea, because there he was, the only light shining on him, making him glow.

And worst of all, he was playing. God, Eddie had no idea if he could handle it, but his legs seemed to be glued to the spot.

His clothes were different from the ones on the plane earlier that day and now he looked casual and soft and Eddie felt a deep ache echoing inside of him. This was his Steve. Even if he knew he had no right to claim him anymore.

Steve stopped playing and tapped the mic to make sure it was on. Somewhere in the tech booth, someone was helping him do his soundcheck and Eddie knew they weren’t alone but as soon as Steve started singing and his voice filled the entire room, Eddie felt like they were.

He felt like Steve was singing just for him, even if that was as far from the truth as possible.

With just a few notes, Eddie recognized the song. Daydreamer was an old one, part of Steve’s third album. The song had the same name as the album and it told the story of a boy who never thought he was going to find love. And then through the album, you could listen to him slowly falling in love.

If you paid enough attention, you could hear Steve slowly falling in love with Eddie.

Eddie felt his world tilting and moving while he tried to keep his feet on the ground. He had done himself a favor and stopped listening to Steve’s music the day he lost him. Losing him had been the worst thing that had ever happened to Eddie, and he didn’t hate himself enough to keep relieving their story knowing what they could’ve been.

It hadn’t occurred to him until now that the tour also meant he would hear Steve’s songs again. He thought Steve had stopped playing those songs because it hurt too much, just like he did.

Maybe it didn’t hurt him that much. Maybe Steve had found a way to move on from that. If Eddie considered that Steve seemed to have someone in his life, then it made perfect sense. Why would Steve even care about these songs when Eddie didn’t mean anything to him anymore?

Even through the pain, Eddie stayed put, unable to move his legs and walk away from that. Steve’s voice was deep and low while singing an acoustic version of 'Daydreamer' and Eddie could almost hear the sorrow behind it.

Steve, much like Eddie, was never too good at hiding his feelings when he was performing, and maybe Steve thought he was alone here. That no one would hear his sadness through the lyrics he once wrote for a guy he had been in love with.

Eddie should walk away and leave Steve alone. That would be the decent thing to do. But Eddie wasn’t decent and he felt like he needed to hear it. He needed to hear their story again so he could remember how badly he had fucked up the only good thing he ever had in his life.

And how he would never get to have that again.

By the end of the performance, Steve’s eyes were shiny and Eddie’s cheeks were wet and maybe for just one second, they were in sync again. Mourning the relationship Eddie had destroyed with one stupid decision after the other.

He just hoped this tour could give Steve some closure, at least. That would make him feel a little less shitty about himself.

Steve deserved a chance to be happy, even if it wasn’t with Eddie.

x

Up until the moment Eddie was singing the first notes of their first song, he had no idea if he was going to be able to pull it off.

They’d had a few practice sessions before the tour, but Richard wanted things to move fast, either because his patience had run out or simply because he would love nothing more but for Corroded Coffin to fail.

But playing in a closed room was very different from stepping on stage.

This was soundcheck, but Eddie could already feel himself almost vibrating out of his body with a mix of excitement and fear.

The thing he wasn’t expecting, though, was how being on stage was an intrinsic part of who he was. Being up there just seemed to muffle every other noise inside of his brain and all that was left was his microphone, his guitar, and his two band mates.

His two best friends. Whom he had missed with all his being.

Life hadn’t been the same without them around and Eddie couldn’t be more grateful to have them back in his life, even if it was for just a short period of time.

The way things were, Eddie didn’t think Corroded Coffin still had a lot of time left. He would give all he had for the band, but between his dumb attitudes and Richard Harrington being a complete asshole, they would be lucky to make out of this tour alive.

And friends.

The music came back to him like a flood, all at once, almost too fast for his body to follow. Then words, one after the other, melting on his tongue as he chanced a few glances to his sides, just to see Gareth and Jeff’s happy faces.

It seemed like the three of them had all missed this the same amount.

It seemed like being up here with them was healing something inside of Eddie. Patching up the wounds he carried around for 7 years.

Maybe things were bad. Maybe everything was bad and Eddie didn’t deserve any of it, but he was still happy that he got it. Happy that he had another chance to enjoy the thrill of being on stage with his two best friends.

Happy that in a matter of hours he would be in front of a crowd. A gigantic group of people who had no idea how bad Eddie was. They just listened to his words and that somehow resonated with them.

Eddie couldn’t wait for it. He couldn’t wait to see the tears and the screams and the posters. The intense feeling of belonging he had missed for so long while he was away from the stage.

At that point, Eddie had no idea if he would get to do all of this more than just this once. Maybe the comeback tour was also the goodbye tour. And if that was the case, Eddie was going to take that chance with all he had, and he was going to enjoy it.

He strummed the last notes of what was their opening song and wasn’t surprised to find tears in his eyes. Happy tears that flowed even more freely once he felt both Gareth and Jeff throwing themselves at him, giggling as if it was the first time they got a song right, in Gareth’s parents’ garage when they were barely 15.

x

“Fucking amazing!” Gareth was yelling. His hand had been wrapped around Eddie’s wrist ever since they bowed down in the middle of the stage, two minutes ago, and he was pulling him as he walked like he had completely forgotten he was supposed to let him go.

They could still hear the screams and Eddie felt like he would have floated away if Gareth wasn’t there to keep him grounded.

“We fucking demolished this place!” Jeff came up behind them, yelling and throwing his arms around both their shoulders, pulling them close.

“I missed this,” Eddie said in a lower voice, not even caring about the teasing 'awww' that Jeff and Gareth let out. “Shut up.”

When they finally managed to climb down the set of stairs behind the stage, something that was particularly difficult since they refused to let go of each other, the entire tech crew erupted in applause and cheers. Eddie dipped his head into Jeff’s shoulder laughing while a few of them came closer to congratulate them.

By the end of it, once they had managed to talk to most people, and everyone went back to their stations to start organizing and disassembling everything, Gareth, Eddie and Jeff were left alone inside their dressing room.

Eddie rushed to the shower, knowing that if he laid down, he wouldn’t want to get up ever again. Touring needed some adjustment. It was a lot for his body and for his mind and this was just day 1. The last thing Eddie wanted was to burn himself out before getting started.

Soon enough, someone would be knocking on their dressing room, telling them it was time to go back to the bus so they could really start the tour, driving to their second venue, up in Seattle. Nights would be a mix of sleeping on the road and then sleeping in a hotel when they spent more than one day in the same city or if they had shows in towns close enough to each other.

They had two sets of everything, so part of their crew would ride early, already assembling the new venue even before the show was over. With them on the road, disassembling would begin and so on.

The shower was good, warm and soothing to his already sore shoulders. Maybe it had been the adrenaline, preventing him from feeling tired before, but now everything was hitting him like a freight train.

The hot water always helped ease his pains and aches, but it was inevitable that his entire body would be aching by the end of the tour. That sort of pain that was both good and bad at the same time.

Under the hot spray, Eddie started flexing his left hand, grateful that it wasn’t bothering him yet. Maybe he would get some exercises done today, just to make sure he wouldn’t be playing in pain most nights.

Lost in thought, Eddie wrapped a towel on his waist and stepped out into the dressing room. With the tour bus and tour life, there was no point in being shy. If they were at a hotel, Eddie knew each of them would get their own private room which was great, but for most part, they would just share everything and seeing each other naked wasn’t exactly news.

He just didn’t realize someone else would already be in their dressing room.

Eddie stopped at the bathroom door, his hand flying to the towel as if he was afraid it was going to fall. He was hoping to find someone from the crew, telling them it was time to go back to the bus, but instead, Steve was there, in all his glory.

And Eddie was naked.

Well, he was wearing a towel. But it was a thin one. Definitely not the kind of thing you would want to be wearing in front of your ex-boyfriend who hated you.

And Steve Harrington was just standing there, looking at him through thick eyelashes, hair also wet, which made Eddie’s whole body tingle with the memories of Steve post-shower, soft and sweet, naked in bed with him. Fuck. He needed to think of anything else other than naked Steve right now.

“Hey,” Steve said, his eyes lingering a little longer on Eddie before moving back to where Gareth was still sitting. “Sorry, I was just leaving.”

Eddie wished his brain wasn’t short-circuiting right now because he should say something, but there was only static in his head right now.

He hadn’t imagined the way Steve had looked at him just now, right? Like he could eat him alive, if only Eddie would drop that fucking towel.

Fuck. He couldn’t be thinking about it right now because it would be mortifying if he got hard. He would never recover.

“Did you need something?” Eddie asked, voice high-pitched and bringing attention back to him. Jeff was moving past him to get to the shower and, with his back to Steve, he frowned, mouthing 'shut up'.

Yeah, Eddie should shut up. And also bury himself on the ground where he wouldn’t be able to embarrass himself.

“I was just congratulating Jeff and Gareth on the show,” Steve said, smiling at Gareth and pointedly not looking at Eddie. “I’m leaving now.”

“Oh,” was what Eddie said. Very eloquent.

Steve chose that moment to move, walking towards the door. Gareth went back to the mirror, wiping what he could of make-up before he hit the shower.

“Oh, Eddie?” Steve said, stopping in front of the door and looking at him again. Eddie wasn’t imagining the way Steve’s eyes roamed his body. Maybe he was imagining it, but there seemed to be a heat deep behind his brown eyes.

“Yeah?”

“You were amazing out there,” Steve said like this wasn’t tearing Eddie’s world apart.

He knew he was amazing. Could sense it in the way the crowd screamed and applauded. Eddie had never been the most humble guy in the world, but hearing Steve saying it, like he meant it? That was something else.

That would take root inside of Eddie and rot him from inside out.

“T-thank you,” Eddie said, voice trembling. He could sense Gareth’s eyes on him through the mirror. “I didn’t catch your set, though, I’m sorry.”

Lie. Liar. Fucking liar that he was. Steve offered him a soft smile again, the kind Eddie didn’t think he deserved anymore.

“That’s ok. Nothing special about it. I’m still trying a few things out, but you three put on a fucking show.”

Eddie felt his heart twisting inside of his chest. He wanted more than anything to reassure Steve. He was always so fucking hard on himself. Unable to see how talented and amazing he was, how good he looked up on that stage.

“I’ll make sure to see it next time. Want to hear your new stuff,” Eddie said. An olive branch. Steve smiled and nodded, noncommittally.

That was ok. Eddie would take the win however he could.

“I’ll let you guys freshen up,” Steve said, looking down a little embarrassed. He had probably tried to come here when Eddie wasn’t around, just so things wouldn’t be awkward or he wouldn’t be forced to compliment Eddie.

Eddie wouldn’t push it, not when Steve had already given him more than he deserved. He had talked to him instead of pretending he didn’t exist and still Eddie wanted more because he was never satisfied. He wanted more and more and more until there was nothing left.

x

Eddie’s brain had completely melted after that encounter with Steve. Gareth had tried to talk to him, but Eddie just kept replaying Steve’s words over and over again, looking for hidden meanings and things he might have missed.

He knew the smart thing to do was act normal about it. To pretend Steve had just wanted to be nice and not read too much into things, but it wasn’t like Eddie could re-wire his brain after 31 years of being a dumbass.

Gareth and Jeff both had showered and then ushered Eddie out of the dressing room, otherwise he knew he would have just stayed there the entire night, frozen in place as he contemplated a sliver of hope for him and Steve.

Not for them to fall in love again, obviously. Not even Eddie was that delusional. But maybe they could tolerate each other. Maybe they could have nice, casual conversations like they did back at the dressing room and Eddie would convince himself that that was enough.

It had to be.

The three of them climbed into their bus and the first thing they noticed was the upgrade.

“Wow, Richard really wants us happy, huh?” Jeff commented as they looked around.

The bus was brand new, almost sparkling, and probably the latest model in the market right now. They had a full kitchen on one of the sides and a fucking couch on the other, so soft-looking Eddie felt like he would probably be ok crashing there most of the nights.

He was about to say that to his friends when a couple of voices came from the back, making the three of them look at each other questioningly. Usually, the crew didn’t hang around on their bus, but maybe they were still making the final touches or something.

Eddie was about to announce their arrival to not surprise anyone when Steve emerged from the back of the bus, smiling in his pajama pants and a white t-shirt.

Fuck. Steve needed to stop surprising Eddie every chance he got because the way his heart skipped a beat was getting old real fast.

“Steve, hey,” Gareth said, recovering faster than the other two. Steve’s smile broadened even more, but Eddie knew him. Knew all his smiles and there was something wrong with this one.

“Hey guys, happy you could join us!” Steve said, gleefully in a completely fake way. It made Eddie’s skin crawl.

“Happy we’re joining you on our… tour bus?” Jeff risked, raising an eyebrow. Had they walked on the wrong bus by any chance?

Yeah, that would actually make sense. Richard upgrading Steve’s bus and giving Corroded Coffin any trash on wheels. Eddie didn’t mind the bus that much, to be honest, but now that he knew Steve’s was so nice maybe…

“Robin, come here,” Steve called as he walked to the kitchen, picking up a mug and dropping a tea bag in it.

Robin emerged from the back, hair damp and a mean smile on her face, and now Eddie didn’t need anything else to know the three of them were walking right into a trap. He just didn’t know–

“Dad said we needed to save some money if we wanted to make as many stops as we planned on the tour and I told him I would be more than happy to share a bus with you,” Steve said, putting an ungodly amount of sugar on a different tea mug that he handed to Robin.

Eddie frowned as if the words didn’t make any sense and from the look on his bandmate’s face he wasn’t the only one.

“You mean…” Gareth said, looking askance at Eddie. “One bus for the four of us?”

Eddie felt his entire body growing cold with that. It wasn’t that he minded sharing or anything, but he would rather have at least one space free of Steve so his brain could breathe without risking going into overdrive.

“No silly,” Steve said, all affected and that was how Eddie realized despite his nice act earlier, he was still mad as fuck at Eddie. “The five of us! Me and Rob will be taking the back room and then the three of you can sleep on the bunk beds.”

Steve said and then turned around and Eddie could’ve sworn he saw him winking at Robin.

The thing about Steve was that he hated not to be in control. And this right here was just him showing off how much power he had. Eddie was dumb enough to get them in this situation, but Steve would be damned if he didn’t make Eddie’s life a living hell.

Niceties in front of other people were just one more block on his revenge scheme. He would put Eddie through it and Eddie already knew it. Them being in the same bus was just the tip of the iceberg, as he knew how much that would drive Eddie crazy.

Maybe Eddie had been reading Steve all wrong. He had thought Steve would much rather stay as far away from Eddie as possible but now it seemed like the two of them were playing chicken and the first one to look away would be the loser, and Eddie knew he was about to go down.

No one knew how to pick a fight quite like Steve Harrington.

x

Los Angeles, 1988

( Eddie is 21, Steve is 20)

Eddie had no clue whose idea was for him to fly back out by himself.

If he was being honest, he was probably the one to suggest it. Gareth and Jeff had both gone back to Indiana to spend winter break with their families and Wayne had assured him he was fine by himself–he was happy, even, to have some alone time even if all the old man had these days was alone time.

Eddie wasn’t going to fight him, though. He was more than happy to spend a couple of weeks in LA, off from touring and recording, and just worry about what he and Steve would have for breakfast or whose house would they sleep on.

Those had been good days, ones that Eddie would miss even if while he was here he was also missing the road. But he and Steve had never gotten the chance to spend so much time together with no one else around. Robin showed up on some days, telling Eddie that if he was going to date her best friend he would need to share and that she and Steve were a fucking package deal, whatever that meant.

“It means you can’t have one without the other, dumbass,” she had said to him. Always charming and full of patience. “Means that if you try to get rid of me you’ll be the one leaving and you do not want to fight me on that.”

Message received. And Eddie had actually learned to enjoy Robin’s company. She and Steve were freakishly similar and on the rare occasions Richard summoned his son to HQ, Eddie would enjoy some alone time with Robin more than he was comfortable admitting out loud.

He saw on Steve’s face how happy he was that his best friend and his… Eddie were getting along, and if making Steve happy was that easy then Eddie was more than up for it.

The memories were helping him drown the noise inside his brain but no amount of happy memories was going to fix the fact that Eddie had been ambushed on his way to LAX and was currently hiding inside a convenience store while a fuckton of paparazzi waited for him outside.

He should’ve listened to Steve when he said Eddie should called a car from H&H’s list of approved drivers to take him to the airport but Eddie was a grown man that could handle a trip to the airport.

Except this was LA and getting a taxi had proven to be more challenging than Eddie remembered, especially since he had no real experience with it.

When Eddie first got to the city he was taking the bus or walking whenever he needed to be somewhere, and he had just moved on from that to being driven around on those fancy town cars H&H had ready for them.

He really had thought he would be able to get a taxi willing to drive him to LAX during rush hour by just waving one on the street. And to make matters even worse, the paparazzi had found him, he had no fucking idea how and he started to freak out.

If he missed his flight, Richard would skin him alive, but as he walked down the street, trying to figure out the best course of action for the impending crisis, the flashes were freaking him out, and the paparazzi calling him weren’t fucking helping either, making it more difficult to get a taxi to stop for him.

Eddie waved his hand and one of them stepped onto the street to get a picture of him and the car almost ran him over. He didn’t seem half as worried as Eddie had been, and even as he asked if he was ok, the guy was just fucking taking pictures.

That had set him off. More than it should have and he was aware of that, but he was tired and fucking upset that he had to leave a naked Steve behind to get to the airport and absolutely enraged that he wasn’t able to do a simple task like getting a fucking taxi.

So now he was hiding inside a convenience store, his heart threatening to beat out of his chest and his hands tingling in the worst way possible. Eddie needed to get his shit together and he needed to get rid of all those vultures outside and he needed to get to the airport.

He felt tears prickling his eyes and God, he was just so pathetic. He could feel the cashier’s eyes on him and he knew it was a matter of time before he was kicked out of the store too and then he would be in the streets again, getting harassed by a bunch of assholes and without any idea how to get to the airport.

Eddie should call Alicia. She would help him, for sure. But it dawned on him that he didn’t know her number and she probably wasn’t at HQ anymore. He felt his chest constricting. This was bad. This was really bad. Especially if one of those losers managed to photograph him freaking the fuck out.

The photos of him from outside were bad enough already. He knew they could tell he was upset and that was what they thrived on. Making sure Eddie felt awful enough to give them a good headline. Now, him crying in the middle of the day in a shitty store? That would be their golden ticket.

Eddie felt the first tears begin to fall, unable to keep them inside anymore. This was a disaster and he was a useless piece of shit that couldn’t get himself together enough to handle that. How the fuck could he think he would be able to handle fame if he couldn’t even handle this?

“Hey, man. Do you… have someone to call?”

The words pierced through the haze of his brain and Eddie had to blink twice before being able to focus on the cashier. He was staring at him with wide eyes. He looked like someone who would listen to Corroded Coffin and Eddie wondered if he had recognized him or not.

“I… what?”

“You just look like shit. Sorry. I was wondering if there’s anyone you could call to come find you?”

The guy couldn’t be older than 18. Eddie must’ve been looking really awful.

“Y-yeah. Can I use your phone?” It was only when Eddie moved to grab the phone that he realized how badly he was shaking. He punched in the only number he could remember, his own, hoping that Steve was still around.

“Hello?” Steve’s voice flooded the speaker and Eddie felt instantly calmer. The way his body reacted to Steve was scary but Eddie couldn’t help but be grateful for that right now.

“S-steve? It’s me… it’s Eddie,” Eddie said, having trouble getting the words past the lump in his throat.

“Eddie? Baby, what’s wrong? Where are you?”

The fact that Steve knew something was wrong just from the way Eddie sounded shouldn’t make his heart skip a beat the way it did, but Eddie was freaking out and not being his most rational self right now.

“Can you come pick me up? I… fucked up. There’s a bunch of paparazzi and I need… help.”

“I’m on my way,” Steve said, even before Eddie had finished speaking. “Where are you exactly? Can you hide somewhere? I’ll be there as fast as I can.”

Eddie explained to him how to get to where he was and then Steve was asking him to hang tight, promising he would be there soon. If anyone asked, he had no idea how much time had passed and he couldn’t even begin to explain how grateful he was to the cashier that let him hide in the staff room in the back until Steve was walking through the door, a soft smile on his face as he opened his arms to embrace Eddie.

It was only when he was safely tucked into Steve’s chest that Eddie let the tears fall freely. Steve kept kissing his head and shushing him and telling him he was fine, he was safe. Eddie was shaking and holding on to Steve for dear life.

When he finally felt like he could handle being apart from Steve, the two of them thanked the cashier and Eddie could swear he saw Steve sneaking a big, fat tip into his tip jar before they were quietly exiting the store from the backdoor and into a dark alley.

Eddie had no idea how, but Steve handled everything. He put him inside a big, black car and he climbed right after, pulling Eddie closer as soon as the door shut behind them. Eddie slipped in and out of consciousness, the warmth of Steve enough to keep him calm.

Steve nudged him awake when they were getting close to the airport and Eddie smiled sleepily at him.

“Are you good to board the plane alone?” Steve asked and Eddie had no doubt in his mind that if he said no he would find a way to fucking board it with him. He didn’t deserve Steve, that was for sure.

“Yeah, but I think I already missed the flight,” Eddie said, but Steve waved him off.

“Don’t worry about it. I got your new ticket and your plane is boarding in thirty minutes but if you need me to come with you, I will. Just say the words, baby.”

Eddie shook his head and leaned in so he could kiss Steve on the mouth.

“I’m sorry,” he whispered and felt Steve’s warm hands holding his face as he looked at him with a serious expression.

“There’s no need for apologies. It wasn’t your fault and I’m just happy you are ok.”

God. Eddie really didn’t deserve Steve.

“Still. I should’ve been able to do this one thing by myself.”

Steve pulled him close, pressing their lips together and melting Eddie in the process. Steve was too good for this world. He was too good for Eddie but Eddie was a selfish little man who wouldn’t be able to give him up.

“I was just worried about you, baby. But please, please call me whenever you need me and I’ll be there, ok? I promise.”

Eddie nodded, pulling Steve in for a hug and hiding his face in the crook of his neck. Steve still smelled like Eddie and that was a heady thing.

The idea that Eddie could claim his stake on Steve was a crazy one, but fuck, Eddie wanted it so badly it hurt.

He didn’t know it yet, but Steve would make good on his promise to always be there if Eddie needed him. Steve would make sure of it and, eventually, Eddie would resent him for it. Because he would never be good enough for Steve. He would never deserve him, no matter what he did.

In the end, that promise right there would be the exact reason why they fell apart. And Eddie would blame himself for it until the day he died.

Chapter Text

Phoenix, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Life on the road was one thing when you were in your 20s.

You were just getting started, and everything seemed to shine brightly.

Corroded Coffin had been on the road once before they signed with H&H. It was a lot of late nights and long drives to play in shitty bars where people barely tipped and they had to spend their paycheck on food if they wanted to keep going.

If one of them managed to make friends with the bartender, they might be lucky to get some beers, on the house and without checking IDs.

Eddie remembered those days with a pang of good nostalgia.

Not that it didn’t suck. They did the best they could going to every town that was adjacent to Indianapolis, driving as far as five cities over before they were coming back, knowing their parents would murder them if anything happened.

But being on the road with Jeff and Gareth. That’s what he missed the most. The shitty motels. The questionable food choices. The fact that everything was about music, once upon a time.

When H&H came into the picture, Eddie had no complaints. They didn’t need to worry about anything. They were living a luxurious tour experience, compared to what they did in the early days.

And Gareth and Jeff were there. It was easy to get lost in it.

Parties, booze, and new people. And music, and road hours and venue after venue after venue.

And then Steve. He was there, too, whenever he could. And Eddie couldn’t pretend it didn’t make his heart speed up in his chest every time that he got off stage to see Steve’s shiny smile. The softest look on his face, as if he wasn’t aware that this was supposed to be casual.

Those early days, when Eddie was afraid to admit he was catching feelings and Steve walked around it as if he was just waiting for Eddie to figure it out.

God, he missed them.

x

Somehow, Eddie kept getting away with sneaking out to watch Steve do soundcheck.

Or at least he thought he was getting away with it because if either Jeff or Gareth had noticed it, they didn’t say anything and that was good enough for him right now.

Steve was… he was a nightmare. And Eddie could see just how he was doing it all on purpose. If Eddie said he preferred to have burgers instead of pizza, Steve would find a way to override his decision and Eddie would get back to their bus after their show to find boxes of pizza waiting for him.

If Eddie decided on a certain time for their soundcheck, Steve would make sure to have that time for himself so Eddie and the guys would need to wait to get on stage. He was meddling with things in a very obvious way and Eddie knew there was nothing he could do about it.

He would much rather throw himself down a flight of stairs than go ask Robin Buckley for anything. Because he knew that if he did ask, she would just keep letting Steve do whatever he pleased.

Still, he didn’t mind not getting a single thing during the tour if it meant he could watch Steve play every day.

He was always watching from the side, hidden by the low light or curtains or whatever he could find. And each day, Steve seemed to find himself more and more. It was addicting in a very dangerous way for Eddie to see Steve go back to himself as music seemed to heal him from inside out.

It also tore at his heart to know he was one of the reasons why Steve stepped down from music all those years ago and to see how that had affected him, no matter how much he wanted to pretend it hadn’t.

But Eddie knew Steve and he knew his relationship with music because it was the same one he had himself. Music was how he breathed. How he talked and felt things. He did everything first through music. Through his lyrics, melodies, and chords.

Steve might not look at him or talk to him, but hearing him play was like walking right into Steve’s mind.

When he was stressed, he always sound-checked with his faster songs, the ones he could use to drain out his energy so he could appear calm and collected when he actually walked on stage later on. When he was in a good mood he chose the hardest songs, the ones Eddie knew he needed to be in a bright mood to trust he wouldn’t get any of that wrong.

And then, there were ones he played more often and Eddie couldn’t quite understand the feeling behind it. The ballads and the slowest songs. The lyrics that explicitly mentioned his relationship with Eddie. He imagined those would be for the days when he was angry or stressed. When he needed to let go of that anger and to remind himself that whatever he and Eddie had was no longer there and that he was free.

But, most of the time, when Steve was playing any of those songs, the only word that would come to Eddie’s mind was sad. Steve sounded sad and he looked sad, almost as if he was, just like Eddie, thinking of all the things they could’ve been but weren’t.

Almost as if he wasn’t done mourning their relationship. Just like Eddie wasn’t.

x

Maybe this was a bad idea.

Eddie sure as hell was a master at those.

When Gareth first asked him if Eddie would be down to go out later that night, Eddie had thought it was a good idea.

They were having their first free Saturday night since the tour started, still barely three weeks in, and Eddie was tired as fuck, but being out beat being stuck with Robin and Steve on the bus, and he already knew from overhearing the two of them that it was their plan.

But Eddie figured Gareth meant out to dinner or something. And not that he actually wanted to go to a bar, out of all places. And yet, here they were.

In his defense, Eddie saw the way Gareth’s face fell once he realized his mistake.

“Hey, uh, sorry, I didn’t think… Wanna pick somewhere else for us to go?” Gareth asked, eyeing Jeff with a crease between his brows, as if the slight movement would make the ticking bomb that Eddie was go off.

He should’ve taken the excuse, but maybe Eddie was just dumb. Maybe he just wanted to feel normal again.

“No, don’t worry. I’m ok! I’m hungry, though, so maybe get some fries with your next round?” Eddie said, smiling and pointing at the two beers already in his hands.

Gareth smiled sheepishly, sliding one to Jeff and nodding.

“You got it, boss,” he said and Eddie rolled his eyes affectionately.

This was an honest mistake. One Gareth was allowed to make after not being around Eddie for so long. One Eddie was adult enough to handle, if he needed to.

This was fine. Absolutely fine.

Fries came eventually, and they made things easier, for sure. Eddie had something to do with his hands and his mouth instead of just sipping his tap water and watching his two best friends talking as if not a day had passed without them speaking in the last 10 years.

Which was probably true.

When they had decided to get back together and once they started the tour, there was so much to discuss. So many details and things to decide or to comment on. How that one tech guy Jeff liked was still working for them,–and how Jeff was going to find his way into his pants soon enough– how they wanted to do things. How they missed it.

But here at a bar, with hats on and a hidden booth and escorted by security, things started to become clearer.

Eddie didn’t fit anymore.

He had removed himself from their relationship–for their own sake, yeah, but still–and he didn’t fit. Not like he used to.

Jeff mentioned things and people Eddie had no idea about. Gareth talked about things Jess was doing at the house, back in LA, and Eddie wished he could be of more help, but he hadn’t been to that particular house yet. So he smiled and nodded, and stuffed his mouth with fries until his brain would stop buzzing.

Which, much to his annoyance, didn’t happen.

By their fifth drink, Eddie was done with the night. He just wanted to go back to the bus and sleep it off, trying to push away that dreadful voice that kept saying that being forced together wouldn’t make Eddie belong.

Eddie didn’t belong anymore to the one place he thought he would belong forever.

“Let’s play some pool!” Drunk Gareth said, raising from the table and ordering another round.

Jeff wasn’t much different, laughing and saying he was ready to demolish Gareth.

“I...” Eddie said, unsure of what he wanted to say when two pairs of eyes turned to him. “Think I’m going to call it a night.”

He saw the disappointment crossing Gareth’s face.

“Oh, no, Eddie! You should stay. Me and Jeff can slow down on the drinks, and we can play some pool and–”

“No!” Eddie said, quickly, also getting up from the table. “Please, no. You’re fine. I enjoyed our night out! I’m just really… tired.”

That was a lie, and the three of them knew it. Eddie looked at Jeff with a plea in his face. He didn’t want Gareth to feel guilty for enjoying himself and his life. Didn’t want that for any of them.

“You sure, man? Aren’t you just afraid that drunk Gareth will kick your ass?” Jeff said, giving Eddie an out while also making sure he didn’t want to stay.

Eddie nodded. “I’m sure. Gonna get some rest before our show tomorrow, maybe do some vocal exercises.”

Gareth was pouting. “Nooo, Eddie, you have to stay!”

“Noooo Gareth, I have to go.”

“But who will play with us? Just me and Jeff is no fun.”

Eddie sighed, looking at the pool table. “Those guys seem like good company. C’mon, you know they will flip out when they lose to a nerd like you.”

That seemed to improve his mood. “You think?” Gareth asked, looking at Jeff, who was just nodding his head.

“I know it! Gonna ask James to drive me back, ok? Thank you for the night. I really enjoyed it.”

The good thing about Gareth being drunk was how easily he forgot about things that made him sad. Before Eddie had even finished saying his goodbyes, he was already looking at the pool table, thinking about his win over those guys who looked like douchebags.

Jeff lingered a little longer, hand on Eddie’s shoulder after he put on his leather jacket.

“Sure you good?”

“I am. Now go, before Gareth gets in a fight,” Eddie said, nodding his head to where Gareth was. The two of them laughed, and Jeff left, smiling.

Eddie couldn’t get out of there fast enough.

x

The problem with the whole bar situation was how badly that had fucked Eddie up.

His brain was nothing but mush inside of his head right now. James, their designated security/driver, took Eddie back to the venue. He couldn’t remember why they hadn’t gotten a hotel room for the night, but it didn’t matter.

All he needed was to get on the bus, and to climb on his bunk bed and pretend the rest of the world didn’t exist.

It sounded a little dramatic, maybe, but Eddie had forgotten how intense touring could be. Especially because he had to deal with his ex who hated his guts and still found a way to say nice things to him.

After so many days, Steve’s words were still ringing in his head any time he was by himself. His thoughts were a dangerous place to be because Eddie loved to overthink things and he loved even more to read into them, making them be something that they weren’t.

The fact that he had new and fresh images of Steve was also very unhelpful.

Steve had aged like fucking fine wine, and Eddie hated himself for even thinking it. He was never a cliche like that but right now he could write a song comparing Steve’s matured features to a bottle of rare red wine he would keep in his cellar to consume only when the circumstances were perfect.

He wondered if Gareth would let him get away with such a stupid song.

Maybe for shits and giggles.

As Eddie crossed the venue, he could sense his thoughts deviating from their original course. And as much as he had forced himself to not think about Steve like that now that they weren’t a thing anymore, it was hard to not indulge when he could feel his anxiety subsiding.

So yeah, sue him, but maybe Eddie would use his alone time to really do some self-care. And if his mind couldn’t stay away from Steve, that was only for Eddie to know.

He was a man with a mission now. Bus. Bunk bed. Recover the magazine he was sure he had packed and just enjoy himself for a moment. Just let his brain shut off and feel the buzz of the orgasm taking over. Maybe that was what he needed all along.

The problem was that while he was so focused on that, he had completely forgotten the bus wasn’t supposed to be empty. Robin and Steve were supposedly there, having a movie night like they always did.

“Eddie?” Steve’s voice came clear as day as Eddie stepped inside the bus.

Most of the lights were out except for a reading light above the couch, where Steve was perched up, a soft blanket around his shoulders, and a tea mug in his hand. He looked so fucking cozy Eddie wanted to explode.

He had to blink twice to understand Steve was really there, and that this wasn’t the beginning of a very filthy fantasy of his.

Please be normal for once.

“Uh, hi. Sorry, didn’t think anyone would be in here,” Eddie said, which was a half true. He had just forgotten about it for a second.

His eyes wandered around but he didn’t find Buckley anywhere which was… interesting. Maybe Eddie wasn’t the only one lying through his teeth.

“That’s ok, I didn’t mean to startle you,” Steve offered. Everything about this interaction felt a little weird.

“Yeah, no, you’re fine. I can… I can go ask if I can hang out on the other bus for a bit, if you want some privacy,” Eddie said, already beating himself up for it because it was making him sound like a creep. Steve, at least, seemed to find it funny.

“No, please, don’t do that on my account. I’m just… writing,” Steve looked to his lap and Eddie followed the movement and surely enough, there was a notebook there.

“Oh, ok,” Eddie said, feeling like he was walking on eggshells. “I can go–”

“Want to join me?”

Eddie must’ve hit his head because he thought he heard Steve inviting him to hang out.

“What?” Eddie asked, raising a brow.

Steve chuckled and kicked a chair with his foot, nodding towards it. “Sit down. Join me.”

Eddie blinked, and it took him a full minute to urge his body to move so he could sit down beside Steve.

Sit down with Steve. Even in his head, those words sounded absolutely insane.

“You sound like you’re inviting me to join the dark side,” Eddie said, trying for a joke, and Steve chuckled. 10 points for Eddie.

“We both know you wouldn’t stand a chance if I had a red lightsaber,” Steve said, and fuck, maybe it was the way his voice had gone down a little as he said it. Maybe it was the fact that Eddie had been thinking dirty things just now, but this sounded a lot like flirting to him.

And Eddie would never turn down a chance to flirt with anyone, less alone with Steve. Even if he knew, objectively, that this meant nothing.

“I can never resist you, sweetheart. But yeah, you do make the dark side look more inviting.”

Eddie smiled, knowing his dimples were on full display, and watched as Steve’s cheeks grew this soft tone of red as he looked down.

Was he fucking dreaming?

Steve had barely said a word to him for the past weeks, and now that it was just the two of them he was being… this. Sweet. Nice. Flirty.

Eddie could question it. Eddie could ask 'what the fuck does this mean?' and Steve would probably give some bullshit explanation, say he just wanted them to be able to co-exist peacefully, and then he would get up and leave because Steve hated to be called out like that.

Or Eddie could just accept it. Move on and pretend this was normal, just two guys hanging out on a Saturday night, writing music together. Exchanging meaningless flirty comments.

And maybe he was a fucking masochist because the idea of being stuck with your ex-boyfriend should sound awful to everyone, but as he grabbed a pen, looking at Steve as he tried to explain what he was trying to come up with, all he felt was relief.

x

If anyone had told Eddie he and Steve would spend a fun, pleasant evening together during tour, Eddie would have called them crazy.

Hell, if he told Gareth or Jeff about it, they would say he had lost his mind and was making shit up, because that was how probable that was right now.

And maybe that was the exact reason why both he and Steve seemed to have truly enjoyed their night together.

It had started with Steve trying to write a song, saying he was stuck, and yeah, Eddie had helped him. They had written a lot of songs over the years, sitting together in hotel rooms or piled up on top of each other on the bus, whenever they had time.

Eddie had once called Steve from the shower, back in Steve’s place in LA, to ask him to write a few things down because he was having ideas and he was afraid he would’ve forgotten them once he turned the water off.

Steve had laughed, and written down every single word, tapping his foot down in sync with the melody Eddie was trying to convey.

That had gone to become one of the first songs Eddie wrote for their second album, and every time he thought of it he imagined wet kisses with Steve, the notepad safely forgotten on the sink as Eddie dragged Steve under the shower so he could suck him off.

Tonight, though, it felt different.

After 7 years, that was the first time Eddie ever felt like he and Steve were in sync again. Slipping back to their usual dynamic had been much easier now that they had music to help. And Eddie had helped Steve get unstuck from this song. And then their little jam session had turned into a movie night since it seemed neither Jeff, Gareth, or Robin would be coming back anytime soon.

Eddie could ask where Robin was, since she was supposed to be there and she clearly wasn’t, but he also didn’t fucking care. He was enjoying alone time with Steve and he wanted to be in this little happy bubble for as long as he could.

Steve had put on Star Wars, for old time’s sake, according to him, and Eddie had been pretty curious about the fact that Corroded Coffin hadn’t been consulted about the movie tapes that were going to be on the bus. So Steve had chosen Star Wars out of his own free will.

Eddie knew he had enjoyed Star Wars every time Eddie had forced him to watch it and he didn’t want to set himself up for disappointment, but it seemed like Steve had done that thinking about Eddie and that made his insides all fuzzy.

That and the fact that Steve had quietly snuggled close to Eddie, their arms touching underneath the blanket as lightsaber fights exploded on the screen across from the couch.

Eddie had joked throughout the entire movie, and when he moved to whisper something in Steve’s ear even though it was just the two of them and he could’ve easily just said it out loud, he saw the tiniest shudder on Steve, and he stayed close, for good measure.

Not too close because he wasn’t trying to shatter their delicate bubble, but just enough that he could feel the warmth of Steve pressing on his skin. Something he had desperately missed, like fucking air.

The movie had ended too soon, and as much as Eddie would’ve loved to watch enough Star Wars movies to justify pulling Steve to his lap until they were both fast asleep, Steve had fake-yawned and Eddie wasn’t about to push his luck.

“Shall we go to bed?” Steve asked, and when he turned his face, they were much closer than Eddie realized. Close enough that he could count every single freckle on his cheeks if he wanted to. And God, he always wanted to.

“Yes, m’lord. I think that’d be the wisest choice for the night,” Eddie said, making sure his voice came out pompous so he could get away with it. Steve chuckled, and it made every part of Eddie’s body vibrate.

“Thanks for keeping me company. I, uh, had fun tonight,” Steve said, smiling and lingering just long enough to make Eddie think he had really enjoyed being close to Eddie again.

As if catching himself, Steve pushed away from the couch and Eddie felt the loss immediately. So strong he had to physically prevent himself from doing something crazy like pull him back into his lap and kiss him and never let him go.

“Me too,” Eddie said, and Steve winked at him before grabbing a glass of water and disappearing to the back of the bus.

Eddie stayed frozen in place for a moment, unsure if he wanted to leave this place that smelled so much like Steve. He kept replaying everything in his head a million times, knowing he shouldn’t read too much into it, but having a hard time not doing it, because of how much his heart wanted this to mean something.

In the end, he didn’t come to any conclusions.

Steve was being nice, and that was probably all that was. Except for that little comment about Eddie keeping him company. It seemed so random and as he lay in his bunk and listened to Gareth, Jeff, and Robin tiptoeing their way around, trying to not wake them, Eddie couldn’t help but wonder if Steve had been the one actually keeping him company.

x

For once, Eddie woke up in a good mood.

The tour had been emotionally draining, to say the least, and they were only getting started. Eddie wasn’t used to it anymore and beyond the obvious issues, there was always someone who needed something from him and Eddie found himself tired of the whole thing.

But last night with Steve… it had recharged him, somehow.

Eddie didn’t know if he hated it or not, the fact that Steve still held that much influence over him. He would love to think his good mood was related to something else, but the second he stepped into the living area of their bus and found Steve, Robin and Chrissy, his heart fell, and he knew there was no use in pretending otherwise.

Gareth and Jeff were still in their bunks, trying to sleep off the hangover, Eddie was sure. So it was just him. And them.

If this was before, it would be Eddie and Steve and them. It was hard for him to reconcile that this was his life now. Even if Steve had almost cuddled with him last night. Even if he had flirted his way into Eddie’s good graces for no apparent reason. The next morning would always make it abundantly clear that Steve didn’t belong to him anymore.

And the fact that Chrissy was currently snuggled on Steve’s side, laughing while Robin made coffee made everything a million times worse.

Eddie tried to step away without getting noticed, but his clumsy ass had to trip on Gareth’s boots from last night, making the three of them turn, surprised with the sound.

“G-good morning,” Eddie said, grateful that he hadn’t fallen on the ground at least. Because that would’ve been pathetic.

He also pretended not to see Chrissy quietly moving away from Steve, as if she was afraid Eddie was going to jump her for even touching him.

Maybe if those were different times.

“Want some coffee?” Steve asked, and there was something in his tone, like he was offering an olive branch. Maybe they didn’t need to hate each other.

“Uh, yeah, if there’s enough for me,” Eddie said, moving to sit on one of the couches, now that he was stuck in there with them.

He could’ve sworn he heard Robin mumbling something like 'no coffee for assholes' and Steve surely seemed to think he was being extremely discreet elbowing her, but Eddie had spent too much time with them not to know how they worked.

He also thought he deserved to be called an asshole, so he wouldn’t blame Robin for actually saying it almost to his face.

The mood in the room was definitely tense, and Eddie was already trying to come up with an excuse good enough that he could just take the coffee and leave. Even if he had to hide up in his bunk until either Gareth or Jeff were awake, it would be better than this.

But then, Steve was there, in front of him. His eyes always spoke a lot more than his mouth. There was a frown in between his brows that Eddie knew too well.

He offered him the mug and Eddie reached out to grab it, their fingers brushing softly and he could’ve sworn Steve’s breath hitched.

But it was so fast he couldn’t be sure.

“Thank you,” Eddie said, low, as if this was only for Steve. As if he was thanking him for much more than just the coffee. Thank you for yesterday. I think I really needed it. And thank you for coming over here to check on me. Thank you for being better than what I deserve.

“Yeah,” Steve said, and he was definitely out of breath. Eddie wondered if he could read his mind, just from the look on his face. If Steve knew how grateful Eddie was, of the little Steve was offering him.

Steve had every reason not to look at Eddie. He could ignore him completely and Eddie, and everyone would know he deserved it. Still. Steve complimented him. Smiled at him. Invited him to sit with him. And now, he gave him coffee.

Fuck, Eddie didn’t deserve him.

“As I was saying,” Robin said, breaking the silence. “Chrissy and I went to an amazing restaurant last night. We missed you.”

Steve turned away from Eddie, finally breaking eye contact. Eddie missed it immediately, as if he had any right to.

“Yeah? Was it… Italian, you said?” Steve asked, fitting into the conversation again seamlessly. It was kind of his super power and Eddie had always found it both unnerving and impressive.

“Yeah! I had a gnocchi that was so good I almost cried and Robin had a gorgeous carbonara–”

“And Chrissy had me trade with her mid dinner because according to her, I needed to taste hers and she needed to taste mine.”

After Robin said that, Chrissy exploded in giggles, as if she was a middle-schooler and Eddie, sipping on his coffee, couldn’t contain his urge to roll his eyes. Yeah, the way Robin said it was kind of dirty but she didn’t need to act like that.

He found he wasn’t invited to that particular conversation and he also found he didn’t mind it that much. He just sat there, drinking coffee and trying not to stare at Steve too much.

“What were you up to anyway?” Robin asked, which was… very funny. Eddie looked at her, trying to get a read on the whole thing. She definitely sounded annoyed and Eddie kept wondering who had ditched who last night.

“Not much. Just really needed to finish that song I told you. Watched a movie. Went to bed before anyone got back,” Steve answered and Eddie saw it, the way he chanced a quick glance at Eddie.

It was clear he didn’t want Robin to know they had spent time together. Eddie wouldn’t tell, obviously, but it seemed… weird to him. Steve couldn’t keep things from her. It was morally impossible for him or whatever. And yet, here he was, lying to her face on behalf of Eddie.

“I hope you didn’t watch Top Gun again. I’m telling you, Steve, your obsession with Tom Cruise is not healthy,” Robin said, just a little bit bitchy.

Steve laughed, sipped his coffee and hummed noncommittally.

He hadn’t watched Top Gun. He had watched Star Wars because Eddie was there. And he had invited Eddie. And even with the way Chrissy leaned into him whenever she was talking, it was kind of hard for Eddie not to read too much into whatever the fuck had happened last night.

x

Los Angeles, 1987

(Eddie is 20, Steve is 19)

Eddie could still hear the party going strong behind the closed door of the room Steve had dragged him into just now. And Eddie wasn’t mad about it.

How could he be mad at the fact that Steve wanted him so much he couldn’t keep his hands to himself?

They couldn’t kiss in front of everyone out there, but here, the sounds of the party were muffled and he could pretend they were sneaking out just for fun. Steve’s mouth tasted like the New Year’s kiss Eddie had always wanted and now he got to have it, even if he still had to hide it.

Eddie’s head was buzzing pleasantly from all the champagne they had drank throughout the night, and maybe he had a snarky comment to make about the bougie party Steve had taken him to, but the good booze more than made up for all the stuck-up rich kids in there.

That and the way Steve’s hands were swiftly sneaking inside Eddie’s shirt, touching his skin and leaving a trail of goosebumps everywhere. Eddie didn’t think he would ever get used to the way Steve touched him, with so much reverence and so much need.

“Mmm, Stevie,” Eddie hummed as Steve did one of the things he liked the most and explored Eddie’s neck. Eddie was sensitive there and Steve seemed to really enjoy how his body reacted to every touch.

“Tell me what you want, baby,” Steve whispered, mouth moving from Eddie’s neck to his ear as his teeth grazed the lobe, sending shivers down Eddie’s body.

“It’s almost midnight,” Eddie said, although he was pretty sure they could have spent three years inside that room and he wouldn’t have noticed. Time seemed to move differently whenever he and Steve were together.

“Yeah? Think you deserve a midnight kiss?” Steve teased, pressing his entire body against Eddie’s. He could feel Steve’s hard-on brushing against his, and it was maddening.

“Please. I was a good boy,” Eddie mewled and Steve let out a low laugh. Eddie didn’t know what was about Steve that made him want to be good. He wanted to please him, to make Steve happy, no matter the cost.

“Were you, now?” Steve said, pulling back a little so he could look him in the eye. He held Eddie’s jaw in his hand, strong and imposing as if he was analyzing Eddie. “Funnily enough I can only recall you being a brat.”

It was Eddie’s time to laugh, nervously. It was true, though. He had a tendency to be a brat around Steve if only to see what he would do. Almost like a little game.

“Please,” Eddie said again, knowing Steve could never resist when he begged.

Steve smiled mischievously and Eddie felt his blood boiling with anticipation. Steve had a way to get under his skin, to make him squirm and beg and need.

Eddie had always thought that would wear off, eventually. But almost a year into their thing… It only seemed to grow stronger.

“I don’t think I’m gonna kiss you,” Steve said, pursing his lips. Eddie had to hold back a sound that was dangerously close to a moan and by the look on Steve’s face, he knew exactly what he was doing to him.

“Sweetheart, please. I miss your lips,” Eddie said, pouting. Steve snorted and let go of Eddie’s face, pressing himself close to him again.

Steve’s body was amazing. Eddie loved how well they fit together, how when Steve did things like that, trapping Eddie between a surface and his own body, he felt like he was everywhere. And he was, in a way. Eddie had long ago given up on the idea of getting Steve out of his system.

He thought Steve was going to get tired of him eventually. Bored, once Eddie stopped being a shiny new toy. But he knew the other way around wasn’t possible. Knew, from the first time he kissed Steve all those months ago that he would forever have him, running in his bloodstream and poisoning every single cell of Eddie’s body.

His body–and his heart–weren’t his anymore. They belonged to Steve, and they had for a while now.

“You do, don’t you? I love how needy you are,” Steve said, lowering his voice to that tone he knew drove Eddie crazy. He moved the hand that was still at Eddie’s waist to cup at his ass and pushed them even further into each other. Eddie had no choice but to moan when their erections brushed together.

“Fuck, Steve, please,” Eddie begged. His breath was uneven, and with how turned on he was right now, Eddie was under the impression he could come with just a kiss from Steve.

“You said you missed my lips, didn’t you?” Steve asked, his lips brushing Eddie’s skin teasingly. He moved his hand, pressing the heel onto Eddie’s cock. Eddie moaned, hoping that was a good enough response to his question. “How about, instead of a midnight kiss…”

Eddie’s brain was already mush at this point, so it took everything in him to focus on Steve and his lips. He trapped the lower one between his teeth and smiled, looking down. It seemed arbitrary until Eddie’s brain fought the horny haze enough to understand what he meant.

To understand what Steve was offering.

“Yes,” Eddie said, almost tripping on the word and Steve’s laugh was like music to his ears. Sweet and all for him.

Steve didn’t laugh like that in front of other people. He didn’t do a lot of things in front of other people and Eddie felt like there were a lot of things that only he could see.

Like Steve dropping to his knees. Steve’s hands, warm and quick, undoing Eddie’s belt so he could get his pants and his boxers out of the way.

Steve licking his lips as he watched Eddie’s erection bouncing free.

Those things were just for Eddie and he knew it.

Usually, Steve was a tease. He liked to take his time and he loved to suck Eddie off. Tonight, though, he had a goal in mind. To make Eddie come when the clock hit midnight. And Steve with a goal in mind was a dangerous thing.

He swallowed him in one go, making Eddie’s eyes roll to the back of his head. Fuck. Steve was too good at this for his own good and if it were up to Eddie, he would keep Steve like this forever. On his knees, his entire dick in his mouth, and tears in his eyes.

A fucking heavenly view.

“Sweetheart, you’re the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen,” Eddie said, shocked that he could conjure that many words with his dick inside Steve’s mouth.

Steve wasn’t wasting a second, bobbing his head up and down, swirling his tongue in that way Eddie loved. Eddie buried his hand on Steve’s hair pressing him further and Steve let him, his nose buried in his pubic hair as if there wasn’t anywhere else he would like to be right now.

Eddie felt him relaxing his jaw, felt the head of his dick hitting the softness of the back of Steve’s throat, and fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck. He was close.

Steve tightened the grip on Eddie’s hips and moved so he could go faster and maybe, somewhere in the haze, Eddie could hear a countdown.

Maybe Steve could hear it too, or maybe he just knew. Or maybe he didn’t care about midnight and all of this was just an excuse to get Eddie’s dick inside his mouth. Eddie didn’t care.

The only thing that mattered was Steve, on his knees for him, taking what Eddie was giving him and moaning around his dick, making everything feel even better. Not just because Eddie could tell how much Steve was into it, but because it was Steve. Steve, doing this for him.

Eddie felt the tightness in his stomach building, the rope of his self-control about to snap and he pressed Steve further, groaning loudly as he moved and hollowed his cheeks. And then he was coming inside his mouth and Steve was swallowing every single drop as if he was dying of thirst.

He might’ve blacked out because the next thing he knew was Steve on his feet again, his body completely pressed against Eddie’s because his legs were too weak to keep him standing up.

Fuck, Steve always did that to him.

“How’s that for a midnight tradition?” Steve asked, smug as a motherfucker because he already knew the answer to that. And maybe Eddie didn’t get the midnight kiss he was hoping for, but this felt a million times better.

x

Eddie’s brain was still in that post-sex haze and Steve had insisted that he sat down for a second before they ventured back into the party, otherwise everyone would know what they had been up to.

If Eddie was being honest, people would know anyway. Steve’s hair was a mess beyond repair and he couldn’t believe his situation was much better. Maybe they could pretend something came up and they needed to leave. It was past midnight already, so technically they celebrated New Year’s, right?

He pulled Steve by the hand until he was kneeling on the bed, straddling Eddie’s hips.

“Would it be too bad if we left the party?” Eddie asked, kissing Steve for good measure. He felt him smiling against his lips.

“Yes,” he said, pulling back and looking at Eddie. “But I-”

Whatever Steve was going to say next was interrupted by someone bursting through the door. Steve scrambled out of Eddie’s lap and ended up half on the floor, leg hooked on Eddie’s while Eddie had to grab his shirt to make sure his heart wasn’t going to fall out of his chest.

“What the fuck,” Eddie said, watching as a petite blonde girl stared at them with wide eyes. She raised her hands, shaking her head.

“I’m sorry! I didn’t know anyone was in here,” she said but did not move.

“You ok?” Eddie asked, untangling himself from Steve and helping him get up. Steve’s face was pale as he looked at the girl and it took Eddie a second to understand why.

Then it hit him. Steve was afraid someone would see them together.

Eddie retracted his hand, looking away from Steve as he looked in his direction.

“That’s ok, I was just leaving,” Steve said, moving towards the door and Eddie could feel every good feeling inside of him going icy cold in a second. He knew Steve wasn’t rejecting him, but it sure felt like it.

“I don’t think I saw either of you at the party yet,” the girl said and Eddie noticed she was drunk, swaying her body from side to side because she was unable to stay still.

“I think I saw you,” he said, plastering on a fake smile. So different from the one he offered Eddie a few moments ago. “Chrissy, is that right?”

Eddie got up from the bed, unsure of what to do. “Weren’t we going to leave?” he asked and Steve looked back at him with a panicked expression. Eddie knew what he was trying to do and he knew he was being dumb on purpose but his heart was tight in his chest and he felt like he needed to leave right now or he was going to cry in the middle of a room full of strangers.

“I’ll catch up with you,” Steve said, looking back at the girl. “I’m Steve, by the way.”

She laughed at him, her eyes crinkling at the corners. “I know who you are, silly. And you’re Eddie, right? From Corroded Coffin?”

Eddie froze in place. He was used to Steve being recognized but not so much to people knowing who he was. It was sort of a superpower sometimes. Like he could just be invisible and no one would even see him.

“Uh… Yes,” he said, looking from Chrissy to Steve and feeling like a kid who just got caught doing something he shouldn’t have.

“I knew it!” Chrissy said, clapping her hands. She grabbed Steve by the wrist, eyes locked on Eddie. “C’mon, you gotta have one drink with me and tell me everything.”

Eddie was still very much set on going home, especially after how sour things had gotten with that interaction.

“Sorry, I really gotta go…” Eddie said, avoiding Steve’s gaze.

“Nonsense. You can’t let Steve tell the story alone,” she said, reaching her arm enough so she could grab Eddie too.

“What story?” Steve asked, and at least he was as confused as Eddie felt.

“The story of how you two got together, silly,” she said as if it was the most obvious thing in the world and Eddie felt dread spreading through him. “C’mon, I won’t tell anyone!”

They let her drag them back to the party, and even if things were tense at first, hearing Steve telling someone about how they met melted the ice from Eddie’s heart. At least a little.

He couldn’t be unfair to Steve. Eddie knew how much he wanted to keep the thing between them private and maybe they had been careless hooking up at a party like that, but it seemed they had actually been pretty lucky with Chrissy.

She was nice and fun and she asked a lot of questions. Who kissed who first, who was more romantic, who went out of their way to do something for the other more. And Eddie realized how many things Steve did for him. How many times Steve had surprised him on tour that year and how sweet he was to Eddie.

By the end of the night, he felt elated with Steve again. They ended up sitting on a couch in a side room, with Chrissy in front of them, doing shots and drinking more champagne than they should. Steve’s body was pressed against his and his warmth felt so good and familiar.

“C’mon, baby, time to go home,” Steve whispered and Eddie realized he had drifted out at some point and fell asleep against Steve on the couch.

Steve got up, offering him his hand to Eddie and the three of them walked out of the party together.

“We’re dropping Chrissy off on our way home, ok?” Steve asked and Eddie was pretty sure he nodded. He was clinging to him, unsure if he was too tired or too drunk to stay up by himself. It was probably both.

Chrissy was attached to Steve’s other side and they were still chatting when the three of them walked out in the street. Steve had called a taxi and, as expected, there were still a few paparazzi out there. This was a party hosted by someone famous, filled with singers, actors, and models, so of course the vultures would be out there, even if it was almost morning.

Eddie felt Steve’s grip on him tightening, and he was happy about it. He didn’t know what he would do if Steve let him go just then.

“Let’s just get in quickly,” Steve whispered and Chrissy agreed. The three of them increased the pace and they could hear the cameras going off.

Steve opened the door, motioning for Chrissy to get in, and softly pushing Eddie forward, so he could follow her. Steve came in next, and inside the taxi, the sounds of the paparazzi were muffled but Eddie could see the crease of worry on Steve’s face as they drove away.

Later that week a picture of that night would be featured in one of the biggest gossip magazines in the country, ranking celebrities walking out of the New Year’s parties. Their picture ranked #3, but in the magazine, Eddie got cropped out and the picture only showed Chrissy hanging on to Steve’s arm, smiling at him while he looked ahead and there was a question with it, wondering if this was the new IT couple of LA.

Eddie didn’t bring it on with Steve, but he kept the magazine as a reminder that he was still invisible sometimes. Even when he wished he wasn’t.

Chapter Text

Houston, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

A day in the life of a rockstar,

By Jim Trembley for Rolling Stone Magazine

On stage, Eddie Munson shines.

The audience is wrapped around his finger as he moves around, smiling and cracking jokes whenever he’s not singing.

When he does sing, the words speak to your soul. There’s so many emotions in every single lyric of his songs it’s like someone is stripping you of everything and leaving just feelings. Raw. Powerful. All consuming.

There’s a million voices singing back at him while he treads through his vices and virtues. His heartbreaks and his losses.

By the end of the show, there’s not a single face dry. Tears spill like you’ve been washed away from your sins. Ready to start anew.

Gareth, Eddie and Jeff come forward after giving everyone the show of a lifetime. As if no day has passed since they last stepped on a stage, 7 years ago. It’s magic, and it makes us feel special. Like we’re witnessing something special.

There’s no doubt Corroded Coffin’s next album is going to be a hit. But somehow they make us want to stay in the moment. Wrapped in their little bubble of music for as long as we can. The world outside of this venue won’t be as shiny or as colorful and it’s a shame.

We’re going to have to come back to see Corroded Coffin if we ever want to feel like this again.

x

Eddie didn’t know they could even fit this many people inside the bus.

Sure, it was a modified bus that fit a fucking kitchen, fully equipped with a fridge, an oven and a sink. It was bigger than the trailer Eddie had lived in for a good part of his teenage years, and he shared that with his uncle. Besides, the bus was more than enough for the five of them to live somewhat comfortably during the tour.

But this morning, Eddie had woken up to loud voices and much more noise than he was used to. Other than Jeff, no one was really a morning person and doing shows until midnight would take a toll on you. One that would be fixed by sleeping through most mornings.

Eddie groaned in his bunk bed, glancing at the clock. He knew what today was. Robin had been reminding them about it for the past two cities, and now they were in Houston and it was time. That didn’t mean he was happy to be kicked out of bed before 9 am.

When he managed to drag himself to the kitchen, he wasn’t feeling completely human yet, but at least his hair was up in a bun and his teeth were brushed, which helped with the illusion.

There were at least seven people in there already, which made the morning chaos seem even more chaotic. Steve was moving around, filling up cup after cup of coffee while Robin talked at a fast pace with someone Eddie imagined was the chief editor.

Then, a guy in his mid-forties was talking to Jeff, smiling from ear to ear. No one could resist Jeff’s charm, especially when the rest of them could barely say two meaningful words. Gareth was in the other corner, an unfriendly expression on his face as he chewed his breakfast.

The last guy, the photographer, Eddie supposed, was walking around, taking picture after picture of their mess. Eddie could see he had picked up one of the Star Wars tapes and was inspecting it as if the idea that rockstars could be huge nerds was that surprising.

He ended up snapping a picture of it, piled up on top of some other titles they had available and when Eddie looked away he found Steve watching the same thing as him. The two of them exchanged a glance then, one that Eddie had no idea what it meant.

If Eddie had ever prided himself on knowing exactly how to read Steve, that was, unfortunately, an ability he seemed to have lost. He had no idea what Steve was thinking or what he was doing. And then, to make everything worse, Chrissy walked in from the back room, hair pinned on the top of her head in a way that made Eddie’s hair look like a rat’s nest.

She had actually brushed it before putting it up, and Eddie could never be bothered to do that.

There was a sting inside of him once he noticed she was so comfortable around Steve that she slept over without any notice. After he first saw her on the bus a few weeks ago, she watched the show and then said her goodbyes because she had a job to get to. But now, she seemed to have come back, and probably flew in on a late night flight and tiptoed around the bus because Eddie couldn’t remember hearing her coming in.

Thankfully, she kept her distance from Steve after noticing the other men walking around, but smiled sweetly at him when he pushed a cup of coffee into her hands. Eddie looked away then, knowing he didn’t want to witness whatever the hell that was.

“Ok, guys!” Robin said, clapping and grabbing everyone’s attention. “Today’s going to be a busy day and our friends from Rolling Stone will be tagging along to see what a day in the life of a rockstar on tour looks like. I trust you all to be on your best behavior,” Robin said and the reporters laughed but they knew she was dead serious about it. “I’ll pass the word to Jim so he can tell us what he wants from this day.”

Jim got up from his spot, smiling and nodding at Robin. “Thank you, Ms. Buckley. We appreciate you having us and we’ll do our best to stay invisible for most of it. We want this day to go like any other day in your life with the difference that I might pop up to ask you some questions. If, for any reason, it’s not a good time to answer questions you can just let me know and I’ll retreat and try again later. I don’t want to stress you out even more, I’m just looking for a true depiction of your day.”

“We also have a photoshoot in our schedule this afternoon for the special spread in the magazine, so things will be a little more frantic than usual. Be ready. Talk to me if anything feels wrong.” Robin jumped in again, looking at each of them to make sure they were listening.

Robin could be mean, but she didn’t want them to ever feel pressured and would go out of her way to make sure everyone was comfortable and Eddie appreciated that.

He just hoped Chrissy remembered she had an important meeting today because he wouldn’t survive seeing her rounding Steve all day like a fucking shark.

x

Soundcheck was a mess.

Corroded Coffin had gone first because Steve still needed to warm-up and they couldn’t be late because of the shoot and Eddie wasn’t ready. He was feeling self-conscious about doing it in front of so many people, and to make matters worse, Steve and Chrissy were in the audience.

She sat down in one of the production carts and Steve watched the whole thing from her side as he did a few rounds of voice exercises.

Eddie couldn’t not look at them. It was kind of impossible. The lights were on and they were close enough that he could see the two of them leaning on each other, whispering and talking while they rehearsed and it made him want to crawl out of his skin.

It also made him mess up his notes, the lyrics, his placement on stage. At some point and after a few failed attempts, Gareth called the whole thing off and said they were good to go, the sound was ok and Eddie just needed some extra resting time.

No one questioned, but Eddie watched in his peripheral vision as the reporter scribbled a few things on his notepad. He would be worried if Chrissy hadn’t chosen that exact moment to throw her head back and laugh. He snapped his head back at them, and Chrissy pushed Steve back, shaking her head.

He didn’t want to be paranoid and he knew the two of them were probably too wrapped up in their own thing to even worry about Eddie being useless, but he left the stage with a tight feeling in his stomach and a burning desire of hiding away for the rest of the day.

x

Eddie excused himself as much as he could from this day, even if Robin kept shooting glances at him every chance she got. And he knew what that meant. Knew what she meant. Rolling Stone reporters were all over them today, and Eddie couldn’t mess things up.

Which, as everyone knew, he was pretty good at doing.

He earned an hour-long nap after his disastrous soundcheck, but instead of sleeping he had laid awake, thinking about the way Steve and Chrissy looked at each other. How they touched each other. How that must mean something and how he was pretty sure he was going to hate it when he finally figured it out.

It made him think of when Steve touched him, too. The way his hands instinctively wrapped themselves around any part of Eddie’s body when they were alone. The way he moved on the bed, arms searching Eddie in the dark so they could be as close as possible.

It made him think of how much it hurt, to not have that anymore.

As they approached the halfway point of their 'day in the life', it was time for their photoshoot and Eddie knew there was no getting out of it, so he put on his big boy pants and faced his fate.

In all honesty, he had never been able to forget how he had felt the first time he saw Steve, in the flesh, in front of him. Back then he already knew of Steve–the whole world did– and he was just a starry-eyed 18-year-old who dreamed of making it big and Steve’s dad’s record label was his one in a lifetime shot.

Sure, Steve had been an asshole, which Eddie now knew was nothing more than his defense mechanism as someone who grew up already being famous, so he gave him a pass.

Back then, though, he was looking at the Steve Harrington. And he still remembered the butterflies so clearly. The way his stomach had been in knots as he looked at the gorgeous face he had only seen in magazines and the television, so far.

Ten years later, and he knew looking at him still gave him butterflies like on that first day, but today the butterflies seemed to be rioting inside of him for an array of different reasons.

The first was the fact that, unlike that day, Eddie knew Steve now. He knew every fucking mole in his body and he knew the exact spot above his hips where he had a small scar from falling down when he was a kid.

He knew how Steve looked naked and fucked out. Knew every goddamned sound that he made when Eddie had his fingers, his dick, or–his personal favorite– his tongue inside of him. He knew the way he looked right before he came, Eddie’s name falling from his lips like a prayer.

Most days, Eddie was fine keeping his dirty thoughts to himself. He was already used to the fact that he would never get Steve like that ever again, and that was completely on him.

But it became extremely difficult to ignore that when Steve fucking Harrington was standing in front of him in a sheer, see-through shirt and the tightest pants ever made.

He looked like a dessert Eddie would enjoy eating very much.

He also looked like work, which was the reason for the rioting inside of him. If this was just Eddie thirsting over Steve in a photoshoot, he wouldn’t have a problem with it. He would smile and nod and go back to the privacy of his bed and get lost in Steve the only way he could.

But now? Now Eddie was stunned in the middle of the studio, everything and everyone else around him completely forgotten from the minute he and Steve had locked eyes.

He thought Steve was going to ignore him like he had done a million times ever since the tour started. He did not expect Steve to look at him. And to keep looking at him like Eddie was the single most fascinating thing in the entire world.

They both knew he wasn’t, but still, Steve didn’t look away. He didn’t look away when the make-up crew walked up to him to make sure his eyes were still perfectly lined–they were, and Eddie still wanted to know what kind of witchcraft they did to make his brown eyes pop like that– and that he had enough body glitter that someone could probably spot him from the moon.

Eddie felt like a fly caught in a spider web, helpless to do anything but stand there and let himself be eaten alive by Steve’s intense stare.

It made the hair on the back of his neck stand up and it made him feel like the room was completely empty, if not for the two of them. It made him feel like this was 1989 and maybe Steve was still in love with him and Eddie hadn’t fucked everything up yet.

Someone yelled something and people rushed over, moving things in the background. Steve was in a made-up kitchen, Eddie didn’t get the concept, but then again, when did he ever?

In his career, Eddie had posed in a lot of different scenarios and not even once had he posed in an actual stage. Eddie had played instruments in parking lots, on the beach, and on a football field. Lots of weird places. Lots of fun, different places for him and Steve to sneak out of and hook up.

If he didn’t control his thoughts, soon enough he’d be thinking of that one time they had snuck out and he had finger-fucked Steve inside one of the showers, pretending they were the jock and the freak of their high-school as if Steve hadn’t given up those ridiculous and mundane possibilities when he became famous before puberty hit.

But there was something about today. Something charged and intense that made every single molecule of Eddie’s body vibrate as if he was going to combust at any second.

There were all these people, and then Gareth and Jeff and Chrissy and Robin and the reporters and all the baggage the two of them were still carrying. The heartbreak and the disappointment. But with Steve’s eyes on him like that, everything else seemed to fade away.

He kept thinking of their little secret. Of how Steve had kept their movie night to himself as if it was something precious, worth protecting.

He was just afraid Steve was messing with his head for fun. But he wouldn’t. Would he?

“Eddie, we need you,” someone said from his right, and Eddie didn’t have control over his body, but he still walked over to where Steve was already standing, in the middle of the kitchen, the bright lights almost making him blind.

He moved as close as he dared, not really sure what they wanted for him. What the rules were. He and Steve had touched before, during the movie, but that was… different. They could laugh and brush it off as caused by the circumstance. Because the couch on the bus was too small for the two of them, even though Eddie remembered having enough space for a third person beside him that day.

Still, that was touching without touching. That was arms brushing in a way they could deny it ever happened if they wanted.

This was… more than that. It was deliberately touching. It was reaching and flexing his fingers and wrapping them around Steve as if he had any right to do that.

His eyes met Steve’s and he knew there were so many questions, so much noise rattling around in his head as he stood there, unsure of what to do. And just like in a movie, the second Steve’s hand reached out and grabbed his wrist, everything went quiet.

He always had the power to do that. To quieten everything around Eddie and make sure his was the only voice heard.

“Relax,” Steve’s voice was sweet and low, and only for him, and Eddie could feel him so close.

His mind went back to the million other times Steve had said that same thing to him. Sometimes with words across a crowded room, eyes trained on Eddie for every hint that he was stressed or anxious. Sometimes it was merely a touch. Light, under the table during an overwhelming dinner with a million important people Eddie couldn’t care less about. Hard as he grabbed him and pushed him against a wall, kissing Eddie as if his life depended on it just because he missed him so.

Right now he was doing something familiar and way too dangerous. Steve’s eyes were focused on Eddie, thumb tracing a circle pattern on the soft skin of his arm and making him feel like Eddie was the only person in the room. If Steve blinked or let go of him Eddie was sure he would cease to exist.

“We’re looking at two friends laughing and having a good time together,” The photographer said, his voice muffled as if he were underwater. But Steve was there, ready to guide Eddie into place.

He moved and felt his body being moved, too. They were still only touching in the place Steve was holding him and it felt like too much and not enough at the same time. Eddie swallowed thickly and maybe Steve let out an amused noise, but he wasn’t sure.

“Throw your arm around my shoulder,” Steve instructed, pressing his entire right side on Eddie’s body and maybe he was going to pass out.

Once it was clear Eddie wasn’t going to move, Steve did the work for him, moving his arm as if he were a puppet. And then he was side hugging Steve and Steve was throwing his head back, laughing as if Eddie had just told him the funniest thing in the world.

In an instant, Eddie was back in 1989. Steve’s laugh ringing in his ears as he leaned on the bus table. And Eddie thought, not for the first time, how he missed that. The silly moments with Steve. The ones who wouldn’t ever make it into his biography but that would forever live in his memory.

The ones he wished he could freeze in time and revisit it again and again and as many times as necessary to make sure Steve wouldn’t ever stop laughing at him like that.

Maybe Steve didn’t love him anymore. He sure as hell didn’t want him anymore. But fuck, he was good at pretending, and Eddie could feel it squeezing at his heart. Fucking his head in the most irreparable way.

If this was how he could have Steve now, then Eddie was going to take it.

The set merged into the background, as he allowed himself to live in this fantasy. Where this kitchen was the one Eddie had decorated for Steve in the house he had chosen for the two of them to live together. This was what their life looked like, if Eddie closed his eyes long enough.

He let Steve direct him, drank every single touch like an addict ready for a relapse. He pushed everyone else away even if he knew the crew could feel the intensity between them.

It was only at the end of their session, when they were getting ready for their last pose together, that a crazy thought crossed his mind. Steve had just helped him sit on the fake counter, legs slightly spread apart as Steve leaned at his side.

They should be laughing and drinking together. Having a good time. The photographer had mentioned something about this representing what tour life was like, and Eddie had to stop himself from laughing because this was not it.

If Steve walked around the bus with a fucking see-through shirt, Eddie would throw himself out of the window.

He looked at Steve and found he was already being watched. And from the slight frown forming between his brows, Steve was reading his mind. Seeing the question popping up in Eddie’s head.

Why on earth would Steve and Eddie be posing together, just the two of them? Not that he minded that much, but Gareth and Jeff were there, too, and it would make more sense for Steve to pose alone or with the three of them. But not with just Eddie.

His confusion must’ve been too obvious on his face because Steve’s eyes softened and he smiled, clinking their glasses together as the camera shutter clicked away, framing those fake moments between them for the whole world to see.

“Dick intercepted a piece that said we hated each other and were doing the tour as a PR stunt,” Steve said slowly.

“What?”

“Yeah. He had to call in a favor so they wouldn’t run the story. Guess he was afraid that it would impact our sales,” Steve said, looking right into Eddie’s eyes. That was the hard part about being around Steve for him. When Steve was in the same room, it was hard for Eddie to focus on anyone else, but when Steve’s attention was all on Eddie… it made him want to bolt. To run away from his biggest fucking failure.

And Steve always found a way to make things worse. Right now, he decided it was a good moment for him to reach out his hand and tuck a strand of Eddie’s hair behind his ear. Eddie followed the movement with his eyes, feeling his breath catching in his throat.

“I thought he would prefer it if people thought we hated each other,” Eddie said, the words coming out a little wobbly as he tried to remember how to breathe. The worst of it all was that Steve didn’t even seem to realize the effect he had on Eddie.

“It’s a delicate balance between love and hate, I guess,” Steve said, and Eddie knew that to be true. Richard had been vehemently against Steve and Eddie making their relationship public. He had been against the two of them together at all. But he was also not opposed to leaning into it a little. At controlling the narrative, making sure people knew they were friends and that would help both Steve’s music and Corroded Coffin career, in the long run.

It was also a balance between them. Eddie could never hate Steve, and he knew that. He hadn’t hated him when he was an insufferable know-it-all, entitled rich kid, and he wouldn’t hate him now when he was still one of Eddie’s favorite people ever.

But loving him was so fucking hard sometimes. It was hard because of how much Steve cared about his father’s and other people’s opinions, even if he pretended he didn’t. It was hard because Steve didn’t know how to do half things and their relationship had always been all or nothing.

“As long as you’re ok with that,” Eddie said, and when Steve raised a brow he made a small gesture between them.

“Ah,” Steve said, smiling. And then he didn’t say anything else, but he also didn’t look away from Eddie. They just stayed there, lost in each other as the photographer and his team kept running around and changing things, and hopefully, amongst the millions of photos, there would be one that showed the perfect balance of love and hate they were looking for.

x

Their shoot had taken longer than expected and everyone else had already been driven back to the venue to get ready for the show. The photographer had gone, too, wanting to get every single moment of their pre-show documented because, according to him, that was how he was going to make everyone feel like they were there with them.

As soon as their shoot photographer had called it a wrap, Steve had untangled himself from Eddie in the most delicate way he could find and bolted out of the room. As if one more second around Eddie was too much for him to handle.

Eddie couldn’t pretend it hadn’t hurt. He couldn’t pretend his mood had soured immensely after finding out the only reason Steve would put up with him, would touch him, was because Richard had ordered him to.

There were too many emotions floating inside him and the last person he wanted to share an hour-long drive back to the venue was Steve. But Eddie should know by now that wasn’t how the universe wanted it.

He got in the town car and sat down, incredibly aware of every single part of his body, trying his hardest not to touch Steve or look at him. The driver nodded and closed the door before going around to start the car.

The driver turned the radio on as he got into the highway and it wasn’t loud, just that little background sound, and Steve moved as if something was bothering him.

Eddie chanced a glance at him, unsure of what he was going to find. He wanted to be mad because he wasn’t sure what the fuck was happening between them, but then he saw Steve’s head tipped back, eyes closed as his chest rose up and down, almost as if he was struggling with it.

Almost as if he was in pain.

Steve groaned, just loud enough that Eddie could hear. And then, it clicked.

“Migraine?” Eddie asked, and there was a barely-there nod from Steve. Now that Eddie was looking at him, he could see the frown between Steve’s eyebrows, even behind the thick sunglasses. “Can I…”

Eddie let the question hang between them. He had no idea if this was crossing the line or not, and the last thing he wanted was to give Steve one more thing to worry about when he was in pain. Migraines were a pretty regular thing in Steve’s life, and back when they were together, Eddie had become a master at helping him with them.

At home, Eddie would get him an ice pack and help him lie down in a dark room. When they were outside, though, everything varied under the circumstances, but Eddie liked to think there wasn’t a migraine he couldn’t help, at least a little.

Steve didn’t say anything, but he moved his head again before letting it fall forward, the back of his neck in full display, and Eddie read that as a yes. He quickly took off his rings and reached his hand to the nape of Steve’s neck. The second his hand touched his skin, Steve let out a long low moan, relieved by just the tiny bit of pressure.

Eddie hoped his brain was going to behave, knowing this meant absolutely nothing and that he was just helping Steve. He curled his fingers and let them go up and down the sides of Steve’s neck, applying pressure just the way he knew Steve liked.

He kept his fingers going, moving up and down, burying them in Steve’s hair and pressing on his scalp. Eddie could see the way Steve’s body was relaxing, how he was opening and closing his hand, squeezing at his thighs, probably from the pain.

Eddie adjusted himself on his seat, so he could have a better angle to reach where he needed and Steve moved too, making Eddie freeze in place. If this was too much, Eddie would stop. Right at that second. He waited to see what he was going to do and instead of moving away, Steve scooted closer, turning so he could rest his head on Eddie’s shoulder.

He wasn’t going to overthink this. At least not right now. With this new angle, Eddie could use both of his hands, one coming from each side of Steve, since they were basically facing each other. With two hands, he knew he could give Steve more relief and Eddie could feel him relaxing more and more with each press of his fingers.

Steve was also letting out these little wounded sounds that made Eddie’s heart hurt. He fucking hated seeing him like that, but knowing that he was able to help was doing things to him he rather not think about right now. He knew Robin could handle Steve’s migraines like Eddie, and in fact, she had shared a few techniques with him, but a dark part of his brain wondered if Chrissy helped too.

Her hands were smaller and Eddie wondered if she had enough strength to give Steve the relief he needed, and yeah, he was aware that was a shitty thing to think about, but it made him feel a little bit better. He would always be what Steve needed, somehow.

“Do you wanna lie down?” Eddie whispered. His mouth was too close to Steve’s ear, and he didn’t want to alarm or hurt him more. It took a few seconds for Steve to nod his head and Eddie couldn’t pretend his heart wasn’t almost beating out of his chest.

This was… intimate. Steve hated to be seen like that and if he hated Eddie’s guts, he probably would’ve ignored him the entire car ride, preferring to be left alone with his pain than to deal with Eddie. This was progress even if it was in a totally fucked up way.

Eddie took his hands from Steve and was met with a complaining little noise that he found cute as fuck.

“C’mon, sweetheart, I’m just gonna adjust myself so you can get comfortable,” Eddie said, still barely raising his voice, and scooted back on the car seat so he could prop his back against the door, putting his legs up on the seat and offering Steve a hand so he could move in closer if he wanted.

He would let Steve take the lead on this, that was for sure. Didn’t want him to do anything he wasn’t absolutely comfortable with, but there was no denying how nervous he was about it. How he had craved this kind of closeness with Steve ever since they saw each other at Gareth’s wedding.

Steve took his sunglasses off and when Eddie looked at him, he had his eyes closed. He then started to move forward, his head finding Eddie’s lap quickly as he adjusted himself the best he could with the limited space they had.

Eddie was still, afraid of spooking him and letting Steve move the way he needed. He felt arms wrapping around his waist as Steve dragged himself up, and then his face was there, pressed up next to Eddie’s hipbone as if this was nothing.

It fit perfectly, which didn’t surprise Eddie all that much. Against all odds, the two of them had always been a perfect match, and this was just one more proof of that. Still, it felt good to know Steve would always find comfort in Eddie’s body, somehow.

Once Steve had stopped moving, Eddie rested his hands on him, one softly placed on the nape of his neck, to give him the pressure he still needed, and the other a little further down, sliding up and down his spine. After that, it didn’t take long for Steve’s breath to even out, as he fell asleep completely curled around Eddie.

He knew just how bad this was going to fuck him up and even then, Eddie would do it again and again just to have Steve in his arms one more time.

x

They didn’t talk about it.

Not that Eddie expected Steve to invite him back to his room on the bus. He wasn’t delusional or anything like that. He just expected something more than the rushed 'thank you' Steve had whispered before bolting out of the car and into the venue.

It made him feel like they were back to square one. In fact, if he thought too hard about it, he would come to the conclusion that they had never left square one. Eddie had been letting himself get caught up in a lie. Something made up for the cameras.

As soon as Steve didn’t need him anymore, he’d be gone, just like right now.

There were still people who needed Eddie, though, and that was what he forced himself to focus on. Gareth had found him in record time with a thousand different problems for him to solve, from the guitar that was supposed to be tuned and it wasn’t to the outfit for tonight’s show that wasn’t ready.

Eddie wanted to freak out. He wanted to tell Gareth and Jeff about the whole interaction with Steve, even if he was sure they would just tell him not to get his hopes up. Steve was way too good at keeping his work and personal feelings separated and Eddie knew that from experience.

He could also see Rolling Stone reporters circling them, watching them like hawks. Every now and then he would hear the camera shutter going off and he wondered what kind of image of him they were going to portray.

Eddie had been away from the public eye for a long time now and he knew people would be going insane for a glimpse into his life now. He knew that was exactly what Richard had in mind when he set it up and as much as he hated the man, he couldn’t pretend he wasn’t good at his job.

Richard Harrington knew what he was doing. He knew how to manage a career and he knew how to put someone in a good or a bad spot. That was what made him impressive and scary at the same time.

That was why Eddie understood the complicated and weird relationship Steve had with Richard. He got why Steve rarely stood up to him. The reason why he just nodded his head and did what he was being told. If Richard wanted, he could destroy Steve’s career and everything he had worked for and as much as Steve had mixed feelings about all that, Eddie knew he loved making music.

That was one of the things that brought them closer together when they first started hanging out. The first nights Eddie spent over, with his naked body draped across Steve’s also naked body, they talked about music. It was easier to understand each other that way, given how much the two of them were opposites.

Steve told Eddie of the first time he held an acoustic guitar in his hands, his little fingers strumming the chords having no idea how to make it sound good but knowing, even then, that was what he wanted to do.

Eddie told him of the day his mom gave him his first guitar. How that was still one of his happiest memories ever. How he played a Metallica song he knew by heart and the way his mom’s eyes shone as she looked at him playing. As if she also knew how special that was.

How special Eddie was.

Steve was the one person that made him feel that way, when he looked at him. And for some reason, whispering these memories to him in a darkened room wasn’t scary. It was freeing.

Eddie just wished he held on to that longer. He wished he hadn’t fucked things up so badly because he would do anything to have Steve looking at him like that again.

x

By the time Eddie managed to get back to the bus after the show was over, the Rolling Stone reporters were long gone and Eddie was tired. His entire body was sore and he couldn’t wait to get to his bunk bed and sleep like a baby.

He had no idea if the outcome of the piece would be good or bad for him, but Robin had intercepted him when he was trying to get back to the dressing room. She didn’t smile, of course, but there was a shadow of something in her face that Eddie couldn’t quite place it, and it looked dangerously like pride.

Not that Robin would ever be proud of him. He was just doing his job. But she seemed weirdly happy with him as she told him he had done good that day.

Eddie was under the impression that was the best he would get and it was good enough for him. At least for now.

He hadn’t seen Steve ever since the town car and he was rehearsing in his head a very chill way of asking him if he was feeling better. He hadn’t made it to Steve’s set because he had a lot of things to handle backstage and the make-up team almost murdered him for showing up late.

What he didn’t expect was to find Steve in the bus, sitting on the couch with Chrissy standing between his open legs, her small hands pressing on his temples as he let out these torturing low moans.

Eddie felt his blood turn to ice with that image as he stopped in his tracks. That was… something. What, he didn’t know, and he desperately wished he could erase it from his brain because he knew that image was going to haunt him forever.

He watched, horrified, as Steve’s hands moved up to grab Chrissy’s waist and pull her close. As his head fell forward, resting it on her stomach as he let her massage his temples.

In three quick strides, Eddie crossed the common area of the bus and walked past the curtain that separated that from the sleeping area, hoping the two of them were too busy to notice him.

He could feel dread spreading inside of him, even as he willed his brain to not think about that. To not read too much into that. But there was a mix of ugly and complicated feelings fighting to bubble up. Wanting to be felt even as Eddie hoped for sleep.

He laid awake, listening to the sounds around the bus as he thought about Steve’s little moans, the ones that should belong to Eddie only. The ones Chrissy had stolen with her small, inexperienced fingers as she relieved him from his migraine and Eddie wondered if the reason Steve bolted from the car was because he needed her.

x

Denver, 1988

(Eddie is 21, Steve is 20)

Eddie had never considered himself a jealous person. But he should’ve known that had more to do with the fact that Eddie had never cared too much about the guys he hooked up with, seeing in them nothing more than a way to release his needs, than to him not being jealous.

Things were different, after Steve.

He felt the spike of jealousy every time he saw someone getting too close to him. Because he knew how Steve was. How touchy and nice he was. How most people would mistake that for interest instead of politeness.

But the thing that really made his blood boil were the paparazzi pictures.

Eddie knew the deal. He and Steve had fought about it more often than he would like to admit. He had tried ignoring it. He had tried not looking at it. But every time he made his way to the H&H headquarters he would find a magazine or a newspaper, Steve’s picture sized up on the front.

One more proof of how Richard Harrington owned his image. His life.

They had fought nasty the night before. Eddie had come to Steve’s place to see him after almost a week of the two of them being too busy in between tours to find at least three different pictures on his kitchen counter. He would usually hide them before Eddie could see it, but he seemed to have forgotten about it as he was making dinner.

There was a glass of bourbon already set aside for Eddie, but he couldn’t stop looking at those fucking pictures, his heart hammering in his chest with the image that always haunted his nightmares.

He could clearly make out two different girls in there and then the third one was impossible to see as she was pressed on a wall, Steve’s body covering hers completely as he kissed her.

Eddie knew that was part of the game. He and Steve had spent countless nights debating it and Eddie had told Steve that yes, he was fine with it. He didn’t like it, but he understood that it was non-negotiable.

Richard still called the shots, and he wanted Steve to be this unattainable figure. The guy every girl wanted and every guy wanted to be. And to do that, Steve had to be photographed with different girls all the time.

Eddie knew Richard wasn’t a fan of how much time the two of them spent together. He knew he suspected something was up and so Steve had made it his mission to prove there was nothing going on. And for that, he needed to be seen with as many girls as possible, in as many incriminating positions as possible.

He understood all that, of course. That didn’t mean he needed to like it. And boy, he hated it so much.

Eddie didn’t want to fight. He wanted to drink his bourbon and eat Steve’s amazing food and then he wanted to have mind blowing sex with him until his brain was nothing more than mush. Then he wanted to fall asleep curled around him and repeat it in the morning before breakfast.

But there was something in the picture. And it wasn’t even the one of Steve actively kissing the girl. He didn’t care about that. But the first one showed Steve smiling, sunglasses on as he walked some street in Downtown LA with his arm wrapped around Chrissy Cunninghan’s shoulders.

They were friends. Eddie was friends with her, too. She didn’t mind helping Steve out now and again and it was good for her model career as well, to be seen with him.

But fuck, he hated it.

So he picked a fight about it. The nasty voice inside of him making everything worse as Eddie thought about the two of them together. Steve had sighed tiredly and he had tried to explain it to Eddie again and again.

“It doesn’t mean anything,” he would say.

“She’s just a friend. You know that,” he would say.

“I can’t promise it won’t happen again, but there’s nothing for you to worry about,” he would say.

And Eddie would keep picking a fight, for the sake of it. For the pleasure of seeing Steve struggling to justify something he had justified a thousand times before. For the slim chance that this time Steve would admit to him he had any sort of feelings towards her.

Dinner had gone cold. His drink was left on the counter as the two of them found their way into the bedroom.

More often than not, that was how they solved things. With Steve on his knees for Eddie. With Steve begging and moaning Eddie’s name and repeating over and over how he was his and no one else’s.

That night, Eddie was feeling particularly mean. He had pushed Steve onto the bed face down and he had straddled him, his already hard cock just teasing at Steve’s hole as if he knew he wouldn’t be giving him what he wanted.

“I’m going to fuck your thighs tonight,” Eddie informed him and Steve was nothing but a whimpering mess under him. Maybe there was something really fucked up with the two of them because whatever that little game of them was, the two of them loved. It healed them, in a way.

“P-please, Eddie,” Steve said, his voice muffled by the comforter as Eddie moved his hips, the head of his cock brushing Steve’s entrance.

“Say you want it, sweetheart.”

“Please, Eddie,” he said, all punched out and delicious. “I want it. I want you.”

Eddie thrived on that shit. He could feel his twisted heart healing, having Steve like that. He leaned down and nipped at the soft skin of Steve’s neck as he adjusted himself with his other hand.

He could build an altar for Steve’s thighs. They were soft and big enough for Eddie to bury his cock in it. He could even do it as he spread his ass cheeks apart, just to see his hole clenching around nothing.

And that was exactly what he was in the mood for. He wanted Steve panting and messy and needy at the end of this. He wanted Steve to need him the same way he needed Steve.

He pushed his cock in and hissed as Steve moaned. It was too dry, even though his dick was leaking pre-cum like crazy. He put his hand in front of Steve’s face and said, “Lick it,” and Steve did as he was being told because he was a fucking angel.

Eddie wrapped his own hand in his cock and pumped a few times to get him nice and wet. Enough that when he pushed it between Steve’s thighs again, it felt like fucking heaven.

They moaned together and Eddie kept going. Slow, short strokes as his hands spread Steve’s cheeks apart. And because he was already feeling better, he let his thumb slip close to Steve’s hole, circling in the way he knew was going to drive him crazy.

All Steve could do was moan and push his hips up, begging silently for more. And Eddie would give it to him, eventually, but he wanted to make a mess of him first. He wanted to paint him with his cum so Steve and everyone else would know who he belonged to.

“You look perfect like this, sweetheart,” Eddie said, his voice cracking with pleasure. Steve moaned in response, incapable of doing anything other than that as Eddie picked up the pace. He wouldn’t last much longer and he knew Steve could feel it, with the way his fingers squeezed at his ass hard enough to bruise.

Once he felt like he was almost tipping over, Eddie pulled back and wrapped his hand around his cock, pumping it a few times before he was exploding, cum going everywhere from Steve’s delicious ass to his back and his thighs and he would be lying if he said that wasn’t a work of art.

“You’re so perfect for me, Stevie,” Eddie whispered, leaning down to press a kiss to his temple. “And you are all mine. You know that, don’t you?”

Steve moaned and nodded his head, and Eddie chuckled, slowly lifting himself from him.

“Want me to get you off?” Eddie asked and Steve shook his head. He was slipping and Eddie could tell. Fuck, he loved what he could do to him.

“Want you to watch,” Steve said, voice low and breathy. He lifted himself up on his knees and Eddie’s hand hovered next to his elbow, ready to catch him if he fell. Eddie could tell Steve was a little wobbly and he didn’t want him to hurt himself.

Steve had his eyes closed as he wrapped his own hand around his dick. He started pumping and moaning Eddie’s name like a fucking prayer. If Eddie hadn’t just came, he would be hard as a rock.

Eddie watched as Steve played with himself, one of his hands disappearing under his shirt as he, no doubt, pinched his own nipple. It didn’t take long for his face to go slack as he let out a loud moan and came all over his hand.

Before he could even finish it, Eddie was there, holding him and pulling him close. He kissed Steve’s hair, whispering how good and perfect he was and all he heard back were low 'I’m sorry, I’m sorry.'

“Nothing to be sorry, sweetheart. I got you. You’re mine,” Eddie said and Steve finally sighed, happily, his body going limp against Eddie’s.

Maybe this was fucked up, but for some reason, Steve needed it just as much as Eddie did.

Chapter Text

Kansas City, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Eddie wanted today to be a good day.

That was something he learned in the time he was away. He couldn’t control the days and he couldn’t control everyone around him. But he could hope.

And that was him hoping.

After the Rolling Stone interview, the tour got back to its usual dynamic where Steve would do everything in his power to not cross paths with Eddie and Eddie would make his best to always look away when Steve entered a room, especially if Chrissy was around.

Eddie could sense something weirdly intimate between Chrissy and Steve and he was sure that if he avoided looking at it long enough he could just pretend it wasn’t really there.

But his issues started early in the morning, when he went to grab his cup of coffee and felt a twinge in his left hand that made him drop it. The cup shattered in the sink, spilling his coffee everywhere and making him let out a low fuck.

“You ok?”

That was Steve’s voice. Because of course it was. He already knew Eddie was a complete mess but now he was getting front row tickets to see it with his own eyes.

“Just peachy,” Eddie answered without thinking and he heard Steve huffing behind him, annoyed at his tone. “Sorry.”

When he turned, Steve had his eyes on him, looking unimpressed. The problem was that Eddie always felt like he needed to justify himself when Steve was looking at him like that.

“It’s my hand,” he said without thinking and watched as Steve’s eyes moved from his face to his hand and then back up again.

Steve frowned and then understanding flooded his face and it made Eddie’s stomach turn.

“Is it bothering you?” Steve asked quietly, as if he was afraid of Eddie’s reaction.

Eddie knew why he was acting like that, but it didn’t make it hurt any less. Eddie had been a jackass towith Steve every single time Steve had tried to take care of him.

“It was just a sting,” Eddie admitted, looking down. He flexed his hand and he knew Steve was watching his every move.

“Can I…” Steve said, but seemed to not want to finish that sentence. Eddie looked at him and he didn’t know if he was excited about what he was offering or afraid of it.

“You don’t have to,” Eddie said, giving him an out. It was still early. Gareth was still in bed and Robin probably was too. Jeff could come back from his morning run at any second, and Eddie had a feeling Steve wouldn’t want to be seen in that situation.

“I… Let me help? We have a show tonight,” Steve said, and Eddie knew what he was doing. Looking for a good enough excuse.

“Yeah, ok.”

Everything after that seemed to be happening in slow motion. Steve walked towards Eddie, never breaking eye contact. He reached out for his hand but still hesitated for a second before touching Eddie.

Not that Eddie was counting, but that was the first time Steve had touched him out of his own free will since… everything. He thought it was going to feel different, but was surprised at how much nothing seemed to have changed.

Steve’s touch still caused a war inside of him. A riot of wanting and needing it and knowing he didn’t deserve it. Eddie wanted to pull back and lean in at the same time and he was scared of doing or saying the wrong thing so he stayed as still as he could as Steve’s warmth spread inside of him from his hand to the rest of his body.

The pressure was bad at first, and Eddie flinched. He looked up to find Steve’s eyes filled with worry, and he had to fight the urge to reach his hand to smooth the frown that seemed to have taken a permanent place in his face.

“Sorry,” Steve said under his breath and Eddie shook his head, unable to find words. Not when Steve was this close.

Steve’s thumb moved from the center of Eddie’s palm to the heel of it, pressing and pushing and relaxing it. He did it again and again and again until a relieved sigh escaped Eddie’s lips.

“Does it still bother you often?” Steve asked and Eddie could tell that was something he had been wanting to ask. He had no doubt Steve had noticed every single time Eddie had flexed his left hand to try and relieve the pressure.

“Not often,” Eddie said without thinking, and then Steve pressed the right place and he almost let out a fucking moan.

He couldn’t remember the last time someone had touched him so intimately while his clothes were still on.

“I’m sorry,” Steve said, as if this wasn’t entirely Eddie’s fault.

When they were 22, Steve had insisted on taking Eddie to Italy for the first time. He had too much money on his hands and for a few moments, Eddie truly believed life could be that good. Just him and his boyfriend, riding a scooter around Italy and eating pasta for every meal.

After a nasty accident caused by Eddie’s lack of attention–and lack of balance–their trip was cut short and Eddie went back to the States with his hand in a cast and a dark cloud hanging over everything he had worked so hard for.

He knew those had been dark times for everyone and he tried not to dwell too much on it, but it was hard not to think about the one single thing responsible for every one of his problems that came after.

“Not your fault,” Eddie said, pulling his hand away, scared that Steve would get more out of him if he kept touching him like that.

Steve looked at him and if Eddie didn’t know any better, he could’ve sworn he saw a flash of hurt across his face.

“If it bothers you again, I can help,” Steve said and before Eddie could protest he walked past him to start gathering the broken pieces from the sink.

Eddie wanted to argue, but he wasn’t strong enough and he didn’t think he could handle being around him like this. Not again. Not when he could see right through him no matter how much Eddie tried to hide it, so he left.

He left Steve to deal with his mess, like he always did.

x

The Tribune, September 14th, 1988

Vacation gone wrong

It seems like Steve Harrington, and Eddie Munson will have to cut short their vacation time in Italy. The two friends landed in Rome earlier this week and were seen walking around the city, taking pictures with fans and just enjoying the last bits of the Italian Summer.

This morning we received pictures of the two of them getting checked in a local hospital. The images, pictured below, are a little blurry, but local police told our reporter that two young males were involved in a scooter accident during the night.

Both of them are doing ok, other than some minor injuries, and should be getting back to the States later today.

x

Rome, 1988

(Eddie is 21, Steve is 20)

Everything was fine.

Steve was driving the scooter like he had done since they arrived in Italy. He seemed really embarrassed when he explained to Eddie that he used to come here with his parents when he was a teenager and he was given a scooter and instructions to not bother them as they sipped wine by the hotel pool.

To Eddie, it was a sad story, but one that meant Steve was probably the best person to drive them around.

And that was exactly what he was doing. Eddie was in charge of directing them whenever they were driving somewhere. There was something quite magical about driving through the streets of Rome with no direction. The wind on their faces as Eddie glued himself at the back of his boyfriend, thinking how much he loved his life right now.

He didn’t think he would get someone like Steve in his life and even then, he didn’t think he would get him so soon. They were so young, still, and Eddie had no doubt in his mind that Steve was his forever.

The three little words were still stuck in his throat and he hadn’t gathered enough courage to say them, even if Steve already knew it. He wanted to say it. He wanted to see his eyes lighting up from it.

They were going to a restaurant Steve was dying to try. Eddie was guiding them through the busy streets. It was a hot, Saturday afternoon and maybe it was the heat, maybe Eddie was just dumb, but he was supposed to say right and he said left.

When he realized it, it was a little too late but he tried correcting it.

“Right, right, right,” he repeated, inadvertently leaning his body to the side he meant. There was a car coming in their direction on the street Steve was wrongly turning into and he kept telling Eddie to stop pulling but it was too late.

The wheels bumped on the sidewalk, unbalancing them even more and making the scooter tumble to the side, taking both of them to the ground. Eddie did his best to protect Steve from the fall and somehow, his hand ended up under them, twisted in an unnatural way.

In a matter of seconds they were surrounded by strangers, trying to help them. Eddie chanced a glance at Steve and saw that his left side had taken the worst of the fall. His jacket was ruined, there was a big hole and underneath it, Eddie could see a big bruise. A few small rocks had bounced around them and cut Steve’s cheek as well.

He didn’t remember ever seeing Steve lose it the way he did on that street.

Eddie had always seen Steve as someone so in control of his own emotions that it was hard for him to understand this new version of him. The one who looked really pissed that Eddie had fucked up and crashed their scooter.

He was so shocked by the crash and Steve’s reaction that he didn’t notice he had fucked up his hand until the ambulance was already there and the paramedic was begging Eddie to let them take him to the hospital. Eddie didn’t want to go to the hospital. He and Steve were fine, but then she touched his arm and Eddie had to hold back a scream of pain.

“We’re going to the hospital,” Steve announced. He wouldn’t meet Eddie’s eyes as they climbed on it and maybe it was his imagination but he could’ve sworn he heard a camera going off.

He tried looking at Steve but it was clear from the tone of his voice that he was mad and fuck, Eddie hated that he was mad.

They both rode in the ambulance. Eddie on the bed as the nice paramedic tried to work on his wrist and Steve sitting in a corner, a closed off expression on his face and arms crossed in front of his body.

When they reached the hospital, the paramedic said they were going to take Eddie for an x-ray and that he and Steve would have to split up as they cleaned and dressed his wounds and Eddie murmured a low 'I’m sorry' to him.

Now Robin was here. Eddie didn’t even understand how she had gotten here so fast, but he was grateful that she did. He didn’t trust himself to calm Steve down. He was currently sitting on the hospital bed, heart pounding in his chest and he could see Steve standing outside with Robin, but he couldn’t hear what they were saying.

Eddie watched as she put both hands on his shoulders and breathed in and out with him, nodding once Steve copied her. And then she smiled and patted him on the shoulder, pointing somewhere down the hall that Eddie figured might be the cafeteria.

When she walked in, Steve was already out of sight.

“Hey, you,” Robin said, a tight smile on her face as she looked at Eddie’s hand. “How are you feeling?”

Eddie faked the best smile he could. “Ok, I think. They gave me some hardcore pain meds.”

Robin sat down at the end of his bed and rested her hand on his leg. “I’m glad nothing worse happened to you.”

Eddie felt his throat closing up as he nodded. He was so relieved when he realized none of them were badly hurt. He had a sprained wrist and Steve had just some smaller cuts and bruises. They were ok.

“He’s… angry,” Eddie said and he saw Robin sighing as she nodded.

“He is. But it’s more with himself than with you. He knows… he freaked out. And he shouldn’t have.”

“It’s fine, he was scared,” Eddie said and Robin shook her head.

“He shouldn’t have yelled at you,” Robin said and Eddie looked down.

He barely remembered it, if he was being honest. People started coming up to them and helping make sure they were ok and Eddie had tried to touch Steve to see if he was ok and Steve had overreacted, batted his hand away and half-shouted for Eddie to leave him alone for a second.

He didn’t mean to. Eddie knew that. But Eddie recoiled anyway, a hurt expression on his face as strangers helped him sit down on the sidewalk until help arrived.

Steve had barely looked at him after that and Eddie didn’t know if it was because he was angry or embarrassed or both. It had been such a dumb accident. And it had been Eddie’s fault and this was supposed to be Steve’s vacation and he had ruined it.

“It’s fine,” Eddie said again, feeling tears pooling in his eyes.

“It’s not. He’s my best friend, but he can be an asshole sometimes, especially when he’s stressed and being involved in something like that definitely got to him. He’s gonna apologize to you later today and you make sure you give him a hard time for a second, ok? That was a douche thing to do.”

Eddie smiled and nodded and Robin squeezed his ankle. He didn’t expect her to side with him on this because of how close she and Steve were, but maybe Eddie should’ve realized that was the exact reason why she would. It might’ve been Eddie’s fault, but it had still been an accident.

Still. Eddie didn’t think he could hold it against Steve for too long.

x

Eddie didn’t think things were awkward with Steve when he came back into the room, a bag of chips and a Diet coke in his hands, but he also had barely recovered from their last fight and he wasn’t about to walk into a new one.

Robin moved, giving Steve one of her looks that probably meant 'fix-this-or-I’m-going-to-kill-you', if Eddie knew anything about how Steve and Robin’s friendship worked and he shot her a look that said 'I-am-fixing-it-stop-being-dramatic'.

Eddie had grown used to how they were around each other. Always co-dependent. If Steve had to make a decision, he would call Robin to ask her input, even if the decision was as silly as buying a different brand of milk at the grocery shop. Maybe anyone else would feel intimidated by their relationship, but Eddie knew Robin would never go for someone like Steve–because she only dated girls but also because she would never get romantically involved with someone like him. It was just not her style.

If you were in Steve’s life, you should know you’d get Robin too. They were a package deal.

Steve sat down on the bed in the space Robin had been just a few seconds before. She had moved to the couch and was now hiding behind a magazine. Eddie had heard Steve explaining more than once that after years of friendship, Robin had developed a special ability of turning off Steve whenever she wanted to.

“Sweetheart, your face,” Eddie said, reaching his hand to touch Steve’s right cheek. He had a few cuts and there was a big, round and red mark and Eddie just knew someone would be extra pissed off at him for fucking up Steve’s face.

“It looks worse than it feels,” Steve said, grabbing Eddie’s hand before he could touch it. “Seriously!”

“It’s gonna be purple tomorrow,” Eddie said, his eyes falling down. Fuck. Why hadn’t he paid better attention to things?

“Baby, it’s fine, I promise,” Steve said, moving closer to Eddie and lifting his chin. “Someone will cover it with make-up and I’ll be good to go.”

Eddie sighed feeling Steve’s thumb move on his cheek as he cupped his face. He hated that he was the one who had fucked up and still, Steve was the one trying to make him feel better. He was such a shitty boyfriend.

“Eddie, listen to me,” Steve said, not letting Eddie look away. “I’m sorry I overreacted earlier today. It was an accident and I know that and it wasn’t fair of me to be like that. I’m just glad we’re ok and nothing worse happened.”

Eddie nodded. He could feel tears pooling up in his eyes and he felt stupid for being so sensitive. Steve was right. This could’ve been much worse and he should be grateful they were both ok.

“Yeah, me too,” Eddie said, sniffling. Steve offered him a smile and leaned in to peck him on the lips. “We’ll be more careful tomorrow. I know you’ve been wanting to go to that one restaurant that has the best pasta in town and–”

“Oh, baby. Sorry. I actually already asked Alicia to get us tickets back home for tomorrow, after you’re released from the hospital.”

Eddie felt his heart falling inside of him. No. This was wrong. This was supposed to be Steve’s birthday trip and Eddie ruined it, just like he ruined everything.

“No! There’s still so much on your list of things and we’ve been here for just three days and I don’t want to–”

“It’s fine, Eddie,” Steve said, and Eddie had no idea if it was good or bad how honest he sounded. “We’ll have plenty of other chances to come back and I really want our doctor to take a look at your hand. They said that it’s just a minor injury, but if you want to be up on a stage soon, we should probably make sure that’s all that really is.”

Eddie blinked, staring at Steve and unsure of what to say. He hadn’t even thought about the fact that he needed his hand for work. And that getting an injury, even a minor one, would probably be one hell of a setback. Sure, they could get someone to play the guitar during rehearsals and while they worked on their new stuff, but Eddie needed his hand back asap if they still planned to go on tour after releasing their second album.

“I’m sorry I fucked this up,” Eddie said, feeling small and Steve shook his head as he moved on the bed. It was barely big enough for Eddie, but Steve found a way to slide next to him, pulling him to his chest so they could cuddle.

“Shh, don’t say that. You’re fine and we’re fine and Robin is here and everything will be alright,” Steve said, moving to kiss the top of Eddie’s head.

Eddie buried his face in Steve’s chest, inhaling him in and trying to stay calm. And that was when he noticed he had no idea how the fuck Robin had gotten there so fast.

“Steve?” He said, voice muffled by Steve’s chest. Steve laughed and kissed his head again.

“Yeah, baby?”

“How is Robin here anyway?”

He heard shuffling next to them and Eddie would bet Robin had perked up at hearing her name.

“You two dumbasses are lucky I was just starting my backpacking vacation,” Robin said and Eddie heard Steve snorting.

“Yeah, right. Tell him how you booked that flight the second I told you we were going on vacation because, and I quote, 'are you crazy? We can’t be apart for a week. I just got you back after tour.'“

When Robin spoke again, she was much closer. “I just did what we were both thinking about!”

Eddie felt Steve nodding his head, “yeah, and we’re glad you did because now you’re here.”

And yeah, maybe their co-dependency was a little weird, but Eddie did feel better to have Robin there, even as she climbed in bed with them, settling between Eddie and Steve’s legs as they watched a rerun of an old TV show.

Eddie thought about moving his head away from Steve, but at the same time, it felt so good and he smelled so good and Eddie was so tired that he ended up giving up on that completely and just stayed as he was. Steve laced his fingers in Eddie’s hair, scratching at his scalp as he told Robin of what they had been up to until the accident, and with their familiar voices, mixed with the low hum of the TV, Eddie fell asleep.

x

Wichita, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

There was a voice at the back of his mind telling Eddie he should be on the stage.

But his brain was in overload right now as he paced the dressing room in just his underwear, freaking out.

If he glanced at the clock he would be able to see Corroded Coffin’s was running almost twenty minutes late already, but brain and body weren’t in sync and Eddie was moving around with no direction even if he knew he was looking for–

The door burst open right then and Steve Harrington stepped in because of course.

Eddie stopped short, blinking at the sweaty figure in front of him. Steve must’ve just finished his set. Was Eddie in the wrong place? Had he walked in Steve’s dressing room by mistake and that was why he couldn’t find–

“Hey,” Steve said, and his words, as always, had the power to suck all the air in the room. “What’s… going on?”

Eddie didn’t know, exactly. He needed a minute. He closed his eyes, took a deep breath.

They were in Wichita, Kansas. They had a gig tonight. That was the easy part.

Eddie was in the dressing room looking for his–

“My necklace,” were the two words that left his mouth. No explanation, no nothing. Steve’s face lit up with understanding in less than a second and fucking hell, Eddie’s heart hammered in his chest, a raw reaction from the fact that Steve knew him.

Still.

After so many years. After wanting to forget all about him, even.

“You lost it?” Steve asked and Eddie felt the weight of the words on top of him. So far he had been trying not to think about it as lost, but he had been looking for it for the past forty minutes so he might as well.

“I can’t,” he said under his breath and Steve just nodded.

“I know,” Steve said, short and kind of sweet. “We’ll find it.”

The necklace had been a gift from his mom. The last one before their big fight. The last one before the last time Eddie had seen her.

It was the only thing he still had of her and he had been wearing it ever since he came back home in the middle of the night to find patrol cars and a gut-wrenching reality.

She had gone out to look for him, after they had fought for the millionth time about him wanting to be a musician. She supported him, of course she did, but she wanted him to finish school first. She wanted him to have options. But Eddie was dumb, and he hated school and he hated everyone in there and he just wanted to play his music.

The police officer told him she had had a heart attack. In the middle of the woods as she called his stupid name, trying to find him while he was hiding in a junkyard, pretending he was more independent than he truly was.

There had been nothing to be done when someone found her, two hours later. If Eddie hadn’t been so fucking selfish, he could’ve saved her.

But he was useless. And now he had lost the one fucking thing–

“Hey,” Steve’s voice was there, pulling him to the surface of his own mind. “Stay with me, please.”

Eddie blinked, vision a little blurry with what might be tears. He didn’t realize he was crying. He didn’t realize Steve was there, close to him. Closer.

Eddie mumbled something and Steve smiled. Close enough that Eddie could see his five o’clock shadow, the small wrinkles showing on his smooth skin now that Steve wasn’t a teenager anymore. The way his eyes seemed to smile, too.

“We’ll find it,” Steve said again and Eddie was so fucking lost on his huge brown eyes he didn’t expect Steve’s hand to be there, curling around his own. He flinched and there was a flash of hurt crossing Steve’s face that he was quick to hide away.

“I need to find it,” Eddie said, as if that wasn't clear as day from the way he was freaking out. Steve just nodded and didn’t attempt to grab his hand again, but he kept close to Eddie, eyes never leaving him as if he was holding him that way.

“You probably looked everywhere, but do you mind if we look around again?” Steve asked and Eddie had no words so he just nodded. He was rewarded with a smile, the same one Steve always reserved for him. One that made Eddie think he wasn’t such a fuck-up after all. Not if he could get Steve to smile like that every once in a while.

When Eddie didn’t move, Steve took the lead. He would always do that, whenever Eddie was in crisis. Took the lead. Made decisions. Chose things. Eddie was more than happy to fall into step behind him. Close enough that he could still feel the warmth of his body and that whenever Steve stopped to look at a particular place, Eddie bumped into him and mumbled a half-hearted apology.

They walked like that around the dressing room once and for anyone looking at it from outside, it was such a crazy vision. Steve dressed like he could walk any red carpet in a moment’s notice. Hair slicked back and a little messy from him running his hands through it during his set. And Eddie only in his boxers, hair a mess, too, but for a completely different reason.

When they finished their first walk around and were back at their initial position, Steve’s face was scrunched up in a worried expression. Eddie felt the weight of that, too.

“It’s lost, isn’t it?” he asked and Steve shook his head, hands ghosting tentatively over Eddie’s bare shoulder. He didn’t think he could bear Steve touching him like this right now and Steve seemed to know it, too.

“Did you take a nap?” he asked and Eddie shook his head before even thinking about it. What did his nap have to do with anything?

“Think about it. I know days blur together when we’re on tour, but think about today. A few hours earlier. Were you tired? How long has it been since you warmed your voice?”

Eddie didn’t want to think about it, but Steve’s eyes were so intense on him he had no other choice.

He started to retrace his steps. He usually warmed up right before soundcheck, but Jeff had woken him up too early that morning and he had gone to bed too late last night, lost in a really good fantasy book he was reading even though he knew he needed the sleep.

Eddie had woken up after everyone was gone, but he still found his mug next to the coffee pot. Waiting for him. Jeff or Gareth could’ve been the ones to leave it behind for Eddie but he knew it had been Steve. He knew from the way the mug was set on the counter, the handle turned to the left because Steve knew Eddie preferred to hold it with his left hand for whatever reason.

By soundcheck his head was bothering him. Hurting from the lack of sleep and a strong reminder that he wasn’t twenty-something anymore. That he couldn’t skip a good night of sleep on a show night.

He had done the warm up already and he fucking hated having to reset his voice, but the sounds and the lights were going to drive him crazy if he didn’t take a nap. So Eddie had sneaked into the dressing room and had lay down on the couch, sighing with relief once he managed to close his eyes for a minute.

A minute that had turned into two full hours. Eddie had only woken up when one of the wardrobe girls knocked on the door to see if he was ready for make-up.

He had scrambled up and put on his robe and let her take him as he fought away his sleep and started to do warm-ups again. His voice wouldn’t be perfect but at least he was rested.

“Yeah. I think I did,” Eddie said even if he wasn’t sure why Steve was worried about his sleeping habits. But Steve just nodded and moved away.

Eddie turned, his eyes following Steve back to the dressing room couch as he kneeled on it and buried his hand behind the cushions. Finally, there was a spark of recognition as Steve moved around, hands out of sight under the couch.

After what felt like a long minute, Steve pulled something. Something small and red and a little shiny.

“Got it,” he said, raising it above his head like a prize.

Eddie’s body, again, had no time to receive instructions from his brain. He threw himself forward, crashing into Steve and making both of them tumble into the couch.

To his credit, Steve didn’t flinch like Eddie had done before. He simply let Eddie take over, one of his arms wrapping around Eddie’s waist to make sure the two of them wouldn’t end up on the floor.

And then Eddie was on top of him, the warmth of Steve’s body under him making him feel like he was going to catch on fire at any second. The worst of it all were Steve’s eyes, glued to his face as if nothing else in the world could matter more than this.

More than him.

“Thank you,” Eddie said, voice barely audible because he was afraid it would ruin the moment. Burst that little bubble.

“The chain broke,” Steve said as if Eddie even cared about that. He was always replacing that damn thing anyway and what he cared about was the red pick. “We’ll get you a new one.”

Eddie hummed, feeling a tingle when Steve said we instead of you. We as if they were one thing.

Then Steve did something crazy and dangerous. He let his gaze slip from Eddie’s eyes to his mouth. Eddie watched as he wetted his cracked lips and he could’ve sworn Steve was going to lean in and kiss him.

And he might’ve if the door hadn’t burst open at the very second. Eddie jumped, but Steve’s arm was still there, wrapped around him and holding him close.

Eddie felt his heart beating like crazy and he knew it wasn’t from the surprise. It wasn’t even from the big frown painted across Jeff’s face as he analyzed the scene in front of him. It was all Steve. The feeling of Steve next to him and under him and the way he touched him and held him close and the way he had just now almost kissed him and the way Eddie could feel something pressing on his hip.

“You’re late,” Jeff said, voice cold and detached. Looking away as if he couldn’t stand to watch the scene in front of him. “Dress up and let’s go.”

It took Steve and Eddie a long minute to unfreeze from their spot and move away from each other, and even as Eddie climbed the steps to the stage, he felt like he was still completely tangled up in Steve, which was a dangerous, dangerous thing.

x

In hindsight, Eddie shouldn’t have done that.

In his defense, not that anyone was willing to let it slide, Eddie had been feeling a little vulnerable, with whatever the fuck that was with Steve after the necklace fiasco. They hadn’t been that close in a hot second and Eddie knew he missed it. He just had no idea how good it would feel to have it back for even a second.

So yeah, maybe his brain wasn’t the most reliable thing today. Being that close to Steve was sure to make some wires cross inside of him and Eddie was just now dealing with the consequences of it, no doubt.

Even as he was on stage, trying to keep his mind in the moment, memories of Steve, of his body under Eddie’s and the way he held on to him for no reason kept flooding his head, making him feel lightheaded and silly. Every single one of his touches was imprinted in Eddie’s mind and he felt like an addict who had tasted it and couldn’t fathom the idea of ever parting with it again.

All he knew was how much he wanted.

And that was usually when Eddie made bad decisions.

Tonight’s bad decision was, unfortunately for him, born on stage, which was never a good idea. Right as Corroded Coffin was moving to the acoustic part of their set, that special moment during the show where they played something a little slower and caught their breaths.

Sometimes the three of them would do it. Sometimes just one and tonight, Eddie decided he could do it alone. He saw on Jeff’s face a frown bigger than usual but Gareth was there, waving him off and dragging him out of the stage.

The chords came to him as if he had played that song just yesterday, when in reality it had been years since the last time. He wrote that one in a moment of weakness, when his feelings for Steve were so big it felt like they were going to burst through his chest.

He was going to suffocate on them if he didn’t put it down on paper and that was how 'Fool For You' was born.

Eddie could still remember how nervous he was when he first played it for Steve. How scary it felt to lay his heart open like that. He played the song, looking only at his guitar, focusing on the change of chords as he tried to get the words out. It wasn’t fully done then, but the feeling was there.

It was the most intense thing Eddie had ever felt. The way Steve had him on the palm of his hand from day one and how Eddie would be his forever, even if Steve didn’t want him for that long.

When he was done, Steve was speechless.

That was how the crowd felt tonight, as he sang. Speechless, as they hung to every single word Eddie sang, to every single note.

The venue was big and the lights were almost all out as Eddie got the only beam of light on himself. He felt so small and yet so big at the same time. He felt like he was going to vibrate out of his skin as he repeated the words he once wrote for Steve.

It was clear now how true they were. How he meant every word and how now, after Steve was through with him, Eddie still felt like he belonged to him. Even if Steve didn’t want him anymore.

Even if Steve was merely putting up with him for the sake of their career.

Even as he felt his own heart breaking every day he had to be close to Steve without actually being close to him.

Eddie heard his own voice cracking at the end, tears pooling in his eyes. He blinked them away, trying to recompose himself and finish the song. Everything was just so unfair.

He barely got the last word out and then the stage was dark, per Jeff’s request, Eddie supposed, as he felt Gareth’s arms around him. Eddie had no idea when he had walked on stage again. He expected to get yelled at for pulling that shit on them, but instead, as soon as they were out of the audience’s view, Gareth pulled him close, hugging the hell out of him.

Eddie’s ears were still ringing from the loud screams as he laid his soul and heart bare for them the same way he had done for Steve so many years ago, but he could hear Gareth’s voice a little muffled as he said 'I’m sorry' again and again and again and Eddie felt like his heart had become a black hole.

x

“I think we’re having a crisis,” Gareth informed Eddie as he paced back and forth inside their dressing room.

If Eddie was being honest, he barely remembered finishing their set. Whatever happened after the acoustic set, Eddie’s brain had blocked it out. He remembered being held by Gareth as he cried pathetically, and then he remembered being here, watching his two best friends freak out.

A normal day on tour, for sure.

“We’re not,” Eddie said, but it was like he wasn’t even in the room.

Gareth was still moving and Jeff was sitting down, an eerily calm washing over him that scared the shit out of Eddie.

They probably knew all along Eddie hadn’t moved on from Steve. How could he? Steve was the fucking love of his life, and Eddie didn’t say that just to be cute. He said because it was true. And he trusted that his best friends knew that.

But looking at them now, he figured the two of them had thought Eddie would eventually just move on. Like Steve had.

Shit.

Steve had moved on, hadn’t he? He was dating Chrissy, and for some reason, he kept giving Eddie all of these mixed signals that were messing with his head.

Eddie knew he wasn’t over Steve–and probably wouldn’t ever be– but he also knew whatever his feelings for him were, they had been dormant for a long time since Eddie had made peace with the fact that he and Steve were never getting back together.

He was fine.

But well, he had just had a meltdown on stage, so maybe that wasn’t exactly the truth.

“Eddie, would you please be kind and tell us what the fuck is going on?” Jeff asked, his fingers tapping his knee the only give away of how nervous he was, a simple proof that he was human even if he didn’t seem like it most of the time.

“I’m… not really sure,” Eddie said and shrugged. That, at least, was the truth.

“Did something happen between you and Steve?” Gareth asked, his voice had a hysteric undertone to it.

Eddie thought back on it before answering. Had something happened?

They had broken their seven-year silence. And then they kept going. Eddie had stolen glances every chance he got, but then he figured Steve hadn’t been doing the same. Had Steve been doing the same?

Then there was the photoshoot. Eddie could still feel the closeness and the familiarity. As if no day had passed where they didn’t talk. But the worst part, the one Eddie wasn’t about to share with anyone because of how fragile and personal it felt was Steve trusting him again.

Maybe trusting was a reach. Steve had had a migraine and he had let Eddie take care of him. Help him. He knew from experience just how hard it was for Steve to ask for any kind of help, especially when he was in pain. Eddie had seen Steve smile and work through a crisis more times than he could count and seeing him like that and knowing that he knew he could keep his guard down with Eddie… that was more than he could’ve asked for.

In turn, Steve had helped him with the necklace, no questions asked. Eddie had barely had time to process it and he knew he did what he did on stage because he was feeling vulnerable and Steve had been there because of course. He was always there for Eddie. Always knew what Eddie needed before Eddie knew it himself.

And Eddie was pretty sure there was an almost kiss in there, somewhere. But all of that felt too… unstable right now.

“I don’t know,” Eddie said and he could see Gareth throwing his arms up in surrender.

“What does that mean Eddie? Has he done something to you? I’m gonna kick his ass if he-”

“No! Gareth, stop. It’s fine. I’m just… I’m confused. I don’t know what’s happening.”

That seemed to shut the two of them up. Gareth and Jeff watched him for another minute, and then Jeff, always the voice of reason.

“Should we be worried?”

The question hung heavily between them. Eddie knew what he was really asking. They wanted to know if Eddie was going to get in trouble again. If he was going to be trouble again. And Eddie wanted desperately to say no. He wanted to assure his two best friends that they would never have to see him in a hospital bed ever again, but fuck.

That was a promise Eddie couldn’t make.

So he lied.

“No. It’s fine. I’m fine. I just… I got emotional over a stupid song and being back on stage with you guys… it seems to be heightening everything up, you know?. That’s all, ok?”

The one good thing about being a bastard was that Eddie had learned how to lie through his teeth, even as he looked his friends in the eye. He was calm, collected, his heartbeat controlled.

“And Steve?” Gareth asked. Eddie could see in his eyes he wanted to believe him. He wanted to not worry about him because Eddie knew just how much of a toll that took on him. He couldn’t blame the guy. He wouldn’t. Not ever.

“All good. He’s barely talking to me.”

That wasn’t exactly the truth. Jeff exchanged a meaningful glance with him, seeing how he had been the one to walk in the dressing room to Eddie and Steve curled around each other.

Eddie still wasn’t sure that hadn’t been just a fever dream. It felt too much like old times and Eddie wasn’t in a place he would say no to being close to Steve, even if it was all a lie.

Jeff had kept his expression neutral as he walked in the dressing room, averting his gaze from the two of them. Eddie had whispered an apology against Steve’s collarbone. Much more intimate than it had any right to be, but the blush on Steve’s cheek had been fucking worth it.

The second Eddie had untangled himself from Steve, he missed him. He had wanted to ask him to wait for him. Just stay there until Eddie was back. But he didn’t, of course. And when he came back after the set, Steve wasn’t there anymore. He was probably already sound asleep in his bed on the bus.

Jeff had raised a brow at him later that day, as Eddie walked to the door, and he did the same now, but Eddie just shook his head.

It was fine.

He was fine.

x

Eddie’s brain was still buzzing when he slipped past Gareth and Jeff after finally convincing the two of them there was nothing to be worried about.

Maybe he hadn't been in his right mind when he had decided to play the song, that much was clear, but he also wasn’t sorry. Music had always been something that had helped Eddie handle his feelings when they were too big to fit inside of him, and in a cathartic way, that was exactly what he needed.

After talking to his friends, Eddie had come to his senses. Steve probably hadn't meant to almost kiss him. It was just the heat of the moment, a general confusion of too many feelings with not a lot of places to go. Of being too close for their own good.

And Eddie understood that, even if his feelings were definitely there, still. But Eddie had done something nice for Steve and Steve just wanted to return the favor and he did. They were even now.

That was why Eddie’s brain was still buzzing when he finally found his way back to the bus, craving more than anything the quiet darkness of his bunk bed. It didn’t even cross his mind that Steve would be there… waiting for him.

Eddie stopped in his tracks the second his eyes found Steve casually sitting at the kitchen table.

There was a part of him that was desperately clinging to the idea that Steve didn’t know about the song. That Steve had been too busy getting dressed down from the set and showering and resting and he simply didn’t know. Eddie knew the odds of him eventually finding out were big, but he was just hoping for a little more time.

He could handle it tomorrow, but he wasn’t sure he was ready to handle it right now. Not when all of his fucking feelings were still blooming like fresh bruises.

Eddie should know better than to expect life to give him a break, though.

“We should talk,” Steve’s voice cut the silence and the difference between this Steve and the one from hours before was shocking. Coldness was dripping from his words as he said it without even looking at Eddie.

Oh, so he was mad.

Not that Eddie would blame him, but he also didn’t expect this kind of anger. It was just a dumb song.

“Can’t we do it tomorrow?” Eddie asked, even if he already knew the answer. That earned him an eye roll as Steve rose from the table and moved to lean on the counter.

“What the fuck was that today?” he asked, point blank.

“Just wanted to do a nice surprise for the fans,” Eddie tried. It was a poor excuse, he knew that, but maybe Steve would take it. Pretend that was what it really was and move on.

Instead, Steve let out a half laugh. “Yeah, right.”

Eddie hated this version of them. The one where he had to step on eggshells all the time, unsure of what would trigger Steve and what he would let it slide. And the problem, he knew, was that when he was cornered, he lashed out like a wounded animal, trying to draw blood as he was bleeding on the floor.

“Didn’t seem like you had a problem with me the other day when you had a migraine,” Eddie said, regretting it the second the words left his mouth.

Steve raised a brow. He knew Eddie. Knew his defense mechanisms better than anyone in the world.

Didn’t mean he was going to let him off the hook.

“Didn’t mean I wanted you doing that in public for everyone to hear,” Steve said, and the calmness in his words was a warning. Steve was pissed and Eddie knew that.

It was impossible to make a comeback tour and not sing a single song about Steve. It had been established that it was all Eddie knew how to write about. But there were some songs that were simply too personal and Fool For you was one of those. Singing that one was crossing a line that probably shouldn’t be crossed.

Eddie knew that. And there was a dark part of him that would even admit that was the exact reason he had done it. Maybe it would spark something back in Steve. Maybe it would remind himself of how much heartbreak he had endured so far and how it was not worth it to go there again.

He should’ve known it would simply backfire.

“It’s my song,” Eddie said, unable to stop. It was impossible to hide that he had been crying. His red face and shiny eyes were probably giving him away right now. And as childish as it was, he just couldn’t let Steve win.

“One could argue it’s actually mine,” Steve said, and from the tone of his voice, he wanted it to hurt.

“It could have been, if you hadn’t walked away,” Eddie said and all he wanted was to shut up, but he kept feeling all these words coming out. Surfacing after being repressed for so many years.

A part of Eddie had always thought the reason why he couldn’t move on from Steve was because he had never gotten closure. Because he had Steve, one day, and then he went 7 years without seeing or talking to him.

“I walked away for you!” Steve spat out. His calm expression was gone, giving place to something different. Pained and hard and weird to Eddie’s eyes and yet, it seemed to be exactly what Eddie was looking for as he kept prodding and poking.

“I didn’t ask you to do that!” Eddie said, voice rising as if his words wouldn’t reach Steve if he didn’t do it. Steve scoffed, rolled his eyes and stood up straight.

“You didn’t have to, Eddie. And it’s pretty clear that after all these years you still don’t get it. You don’t get how it was for me. You don’t get how you almost ruined yourself while you were trying to ruin me.”

“All I've done for the past seven years was think about it, Steve! How dare you say I don’t get it? All I do is think about that and every single one of my mistakes,” Eddie said, his legs taking him closer to Steve without his permission. “How can you think I did it on purpose?”

Steve was close enough that Eddie could see his chest going up and down. Moving as he tried to control his breath. The twisted side of Eddie thought it was nice to see him out of control like that. At least one proof that he still cared, somehow.

“How can I trust you didn’t, Eddie? You were so angry. There was this red aura around you because you were angry all the time. And you were so mad at me. You couldn’t even look at me without rolling your eyes. And I get it. I was hurting you and I’m so fucking sorry, but you can just admit you wanted to hurt me back.”

Eddie closed his eyes. He couldn't look at Steve while he spoke because of how true his words were. Eddie really had been angry all the time. He really had wanted to see Steve hurt, to make him feel a little like how he felt. But only because he thought it would make Steve come back to him and not because he wanted him to leave. He had never wanted him to leave.

He hated that Steve could see through him so easily.

“It wasn’t on purpose,” Eddie said, defeated. Steve’s apology was ringing in his ears, sinking its teeth into Eddie’s skin like an apex predator. If it would make him feel better, Eddie would roll on his belly and let Steve eat him alive. “And singing the song today wasn’t on purpose. I just… I needed to remember.”

His voice went soft at the last part and he opened his eyes, ready to see disgust on Steve’s face. But he only found confusion. A tinge of softness as the words sank inside of him, too.

“Remember what, Eddie?”

Eddie felt as if his stomach was torn open, his insides spilled, bleeding out in front of Steve.

“What it felt like to love you,” he said, eyes watering up even as he forced himself not to cry. Not in front of him.

Steve deflated like he had just lost all the fight in him, and Eddie couldn’t tell if it was a good or a bad thing.

“You’re lucky,” was what Steve said under his breath. He moved towards Eddie, and it was impossible for him to understand what was happening inside of him. Steve’s eyes reflected all the clashing feelings. The bad ones like anger and pity and others Eddie couldn’t quite place.

Then Steve’s hand was on his face, fingers caressing his cheek as if he was in a trance. Eddie felt a chill running down his body mixed with an urge to run away.

“Never been lucky a day in my life,” he said, and they both knew it was a lie. Eddie was lucky that he got to have Steve once. That was a kind of luck that wouldn’t strike twice and he knew it.

“You don’t know,” Steve said. His thumb moved until it was pressing on Eddie’s lip, pulling at the bottom one. “How lucky you are that you forgot what it felt like.”

“W-what?” Eddie asked, but he wasn’t sure if he managed to get the words out. Steve was too close for his brain to work properly and he was touching him and if Eddie didn’t know better, he would say he looked like he was about to kiss him. For real this time.

Eddie could already taste Steve’s lips on his. The memory had never faded enough for him not to compare to every single other mouth he kissed after him. Even if he knew no one would ever come close to Steve. His eyes fluttered shut, but he kept his hands to himself.

If this was what Steve had for him, Eddie would take it. One last kiss. His closure. It would hurt like hell and Eddie would still take it. One last chance.

“I was never that lucky,” Steve said, and Eddie could feel his breath tickle his mouth. He couldn’t understand how they went from screaming at each other to this. “I’ve walked the past 7 years without ever being able to forget how it felt to love you. And I wanted to. Fuck, I needed to so desperately. I needed to forget you, but you’re impossible to forget. You branded yourself on me and no matter how hard I try, I can’t seem to shake you.”

Eddie felt the air getting punched out of him. That wasn’t… that couldn’t be true, could it? Steve was messing with him. Trying to get back at him because of the song.

He felt Steve moving, sighing as if saying those words had taken a weight out of him. As if he was relieved, now. And then he was inching closer. His lips brushed Eddie’s and Eddie felt like he was going to melt away.

His hands touched Steve’s hips, and he wasn’t sure when he had stretched them. He wasn’t sure what he was doing, but he was about to kiss Steve Harrington after seven long years of starving for it.

He inhaled, and there was mint in his breath. Eddie was dizzy.

He was free falling.

“Eddie, are you he–”

He jumped back as Steve did the same. They looked at each other, eyes wide as it dawned on them what had almost happened again. Eddie turned to the bus door to see Jeff there, a shocked expression on his face.

“Sorry, I, uh… Sorry.”

Eddie was about to tell him to leave, but Steve was faster, moving past him and past Jeff and out of the bus. Running from this almost kiss and his confession and every single one of the feelings he had just spilled out. They were floating in the air around Eddie, ready to sink their claws into him and never let go.

Eddie just hoped it hurt.

x

Los Angeles, 1988

(Eddie is 21, Steve is 20)

Today was supposed to be a closed rehearsal, but Eddie could see Steve in his peripheral vision, sitting on the couch, bouncing his leg up and down like he couldn’t stand still.

Steve had slept over, like he did most nights now that Eddie had his own place. Eddie liked Steve’s apartment, but Steve seemed to prefer the organized chaos of Eddie’s place. It didn’t hurt that they were also further away from downtown and in a quieter neighborhood where Steve, sometimes, dared to take Eddie’s hand when they were walking down the street.

When Eddie dragged himself out of bed, Steve already had breakfast ready and Eddie’s pills organized on the counter. Eddie flexed his left hand as he downed all of them with water while Steve put eggs and a toast on his plate.

It was sweet. Eddie knew that.

But it also made him feel a little… smothered. He was in pain for most of the time now. The damn hand injury had set him back much more than anyone initially though which also made him incredibly frustrated. And Steve was trying to be nice. Eddie knew that.

“Did you remember to do your physio exercises last night?” Steve asked, taking a bite of his own toast and eggs and smiling at Eddie.

Eddie shook his head, taking a sip of coffee. “Forgot.”

Steve sighed, “C’mon then, I’ll do it with you today.”

And then Steve moved closer to Eddie, grabbing his left hand and helping him finish the routine his doctor had given him. He was supposed to do that every day, but it was boring, and most of the days, a little painful. Still, everyone kept telling him how important it was for him to do it, to make sure he didn’t lose any movement in his hands.

Steve seemed way too happy to just fall into that caretaker’s place with Eddie. And Eddie appreciated it, for the most part. He also would very much like to have his boyfriend be just… his boyfriend. It was cute that Steve was worried, but the other week Steve interrupted a very good making out session just to make sure Eddie wasn’t forcing his hand too much.

All that to say, Eddie would prefer if Steve wasn’t at the rehearsal. He could sense Steve’s worried glances aimed at him and he still remembered the discussion-almost-turned-into-argument they had over the fact that Eddie felt he was ready to start playing again while Steve thought he should enjoy a little more time off.

They had been rehearsing with the help of a guy who came only to play the guitar, but Eddie felt… useless. Unprofessional, considering they were about to release their second album and Eddie needed to be the one playing the guitar on it.

He would hate himself forever if they released an album where he didn’t play it.

The problem was that his mind had drifted too far, worrying about the wrong things when he should be focused on playing, and his hand slipped as he felt his fingers cramping.

“Fuck,” Eddie said under his breath, the music stopping abruptly and filling the room with static.

Steve was on him in less than a second, a frown between his brows as he tried to soothe his cramps by massaging his hand.

Eddie didn’t want to lash out. He really didn’t. But he hadn’t been sleeping well, and he was stressed as fuck about the possibility that he wouldn’t be able to play on their album, and he couldn’t take Steve treating him like he was a fucking baby.

“Jesus, Harrington, give a guy a minute!” he said, voice louder than he wanted it to be.

Steve pulled back, a shocked expression painting his face. Gareth and Jeff had similar ones on their faces, and the three of them watched Eddie as if he had grown a second head.

“Chill, Eddie, he was just trying to–” Jeff started to say, but Eddie was so done and he was so tired.

“I need a break,” he said as he pushed past Steve and out of the room. He could feel his heart beating in his ears, blood pumping with adrenaline.

He knew he was being unfair and still, he couldn’t find it in himself to feel too much remorse. He stepped outside, patting his pockets until he found his joint and his lighter. Jeff was right, he needed to chill and weed would definitely help him.

Steve kept going on and on about how he shouldn’t mix substances, but he couldn’t find in himself the will to care about that too much right now. He needed to stop feeling so shitty and he knew the fog from the weed would help in less than ten seconds. Much more than painkillers or physical therapy.

Much more than Steve, right now. And maybe he also knew that because Eddie smoked for five long minutes and no one came looking for him.

He only felt a little guilty as he called a cab and went home without telling anyone. Steve didn’t show up that day, and Eddie wasn’t too surprised to find he didn’t hate that. He felt a little relieved to catch a break. He needed to breathe and everyone kept smothering him.

When he showed up for rehearsal the next day, he was already high enough that he wasn’t bothered by his hand or by the nasty looks Gareth kept giving him.

He should have known better than to expect Eddie to apologize for standing up for himself.

Chapter Text

Los Angeles, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

The departing headlights were the only thing illuminating the big, imposing house in front of Eddie.

Once the cab driver had made the turn around and started driving away everything would slowly go back to how it was. Complete darkness. Eddie didn’t even know if he had the strength to turn on a light.

The fact was that Eddie hadn’t expected to be back at the house so soon. He had hoped that he wouldn’t. He wasn’t sure if he had what it took to handle everything that the house stirred up in him, and that was the exact reason why he had been holed up in a hotel penthouse, hiding from his life as if ignoring it would simply make it go away.

It hadn’t occurred to him up until now just how frozen in time he had been. For seven years, Eddie had stood still, trapped on the consequences of his actions and unable to properly move on. Unable or unwilling, or maybe a little bit of both.

But getting this short trip to LA sprung on him minutes before getting on stage and with everything else going on, Eddie had completely forgotten he didn’t want to be there. He could’ve gone to Gareth’s house, but he knew that would come with a lot of questions he didn’t have the answers to right now. He could’ve tried for a hotel but inertia and exhaustion brought him to this doorstep and Eddie was probably too stubborn to do things differently now.

Maybe being back inside the house wouldn’t be that bad.

At least that was what he told himself as he put his key in the door and turned it until it opened. He knew someone had been coming to clean it and to make sure things were functional while he was away, but the house smelled weird to him and he wondered if what was missing was Steve’s presence in it.

The entire house had all these gaps that he tried his hardest not to stare at. All these places Steve was supposed to fill out but he never managed to actually do it. And Eddie was left with the void. With the negative space that Steve had imprinted on his life and his heart and his house.

Their house.

Eddie didn’t even make it to the bedroom that night. Couldn’t find it in himself to lay on a bed too big for one person, smelling sheets that would never smell like Steve. He stayed on the couch, holding on to his feelings and trying not to let it spill out of him too much. Trying not to leave a bloody trail behind every single one of his steps even as he squeezed his own broken heart in a house that was supposed to be his and Steve’s and ended up just haunted by the ghost of their love.

x

1989 (Eddie is 22, Steve is 22)

Eddie had no idea what number of beer this was.

He had no idea what time it was and he didn’t even know where he was.

What he did know was that he was having fun. At least, it felt a lot like fun, for the better part of it.

He was in a bar, he knew that much. And his hand wasn’t bothering him so much anymore, which was a relief. In fact, no one was bothering him.

Eddie had seen a few people staring, but he didn’t mind. He knew people liked to stare. They recognized him from magazines and billboards and the television. They knew him from that ad for that perfume everyone wanted and the photoshoot men and women hung on their walls.

Eddie knew what desire looked like and he didn’t mind. It made him feel alive.

That was how Steve used to make him feel, but it wasn’t like that lately. It hadn’t been like that for a while now.

Eddie didn’t blame him. He could still feel the phantom fear of their scooter accident, keeping him awake some nights. It hadn’t been that serious, the two of them had walked away with almost no scratches other than Eddie’s fucked up hand, but it had been traumatic, in a way.

It had definitely put things in perspective.

Being close to Steve lately only reminded him of how dangerous it had been. Not only because they could’ve gotten seriously hurt, but from the look on Richard’s face once they were back, he knew. He knew there was the impending threat of someone recognizing them together. Of someone putting two and two together and figuring it out.

And he knew how Richard felt about that.

Guiltily, he knew that was the reason why he had spent more time away. He enjoyed being with Steve, of course he did, but he knew there was something addictive about him, so he turned his addiction elsewhere. Drinking and smoking a joint and just being at a bar where people would stare, but they wouldn’t bother him.

That was his default, lately.

That was also why he shouldn’t have been surprised when Steve showed up.

And why he also wasn’t surprised at the tired and disappointed look on Steve’s face.

“You have a gig tomorrow,” Steve said, once he was close enough for Eddie to hear him. Eddie was sitting alone in a booth, a lot of empty bottles all over the table proof of just how busy Eddie had been in the last hours.

“Which is why I’m having fun tonight!” Eddie said, slurring as the words left his mouth. “You should order a drink.”

Steve sighed and for a second Eddie thought he was going to leave, but he slid on the booth across from Eddie.

“We’ll both have some water,” he informed and Eddie pouted even though he knew Steve wouldn’t change his mind.

In a matter of seconds the bottles were cleared from the table and Eddie found himself staring down at a big glass of water, Steve’s eyes trained on him.

Only after he put it to his lips, Steve spoke again.

“Why do I feel like you’re punishing me?”

After being together for over a year, Eddie knew Steve’s tells. He knew when Steve was picking a fight and to anyone looking from the outside, this might be it. But Eddie could see right through him. Could sense the weariness in his words, the way he was defeated as he asked it.

“Can’t I do something for me for once?” Eddie asked, knowing he was being difficult. That was all he was lately.

“Of course you can,” Steve said. He stretched his hand on the table, a quiet invitation for Eddie to take it. Instead, he brought the glass to his lips and drank with a long gulp. “And I want you to. But I also feel like you’re pushing me away every time you do it, and I don’t know what to do with that.”

Eddie waved his hand in front of him as if saying 'that’s nonsense' but he and Steve had had that same discussion a bunch of other times and he knew this wasn’t going to fly.

“I’m serious, Ed. I know you hate when I have to fulfill my father’s agenda, but it’s part of the deal. You knew that going in.”

Eddie put his half-drank glass down and looked at Steve. He could feel the buzz on his brain subsiding and he desperately wanted to hold on to the sensation.

“I just prefer to keep myself busy when I know you are.”

That was unfair of him. Eddie knew it. Steve was starting to get really tired of Eddie’s bullshit and soon this whole situation would escalate to a nasty fight. He was sure of it. And still, he couldn’t stop.

“You know there’s nothing in the world I want more than to be with you. But I can’t. It’s not up to me, unfortunately.”

“That doesn’t mean I can’t make my own choices,” Eddie said. Unfair again. Steve sighed. He was tired and there were bags under his eyes probably from worrying about Eddie’s whereabouts.

“Please stop punishing me for things I can’t control,” Steve said, circling back to the beginning of their conversation.

“Have one drink with me,” Eddie said, instead of compromising. He hated to lie to Steve so he just wouldn’t.

“I’m tired. I came straight from rehearsal and I have an early morning tomorrow. Let’s just call it a night?”

There was a particular itch inside of Eddie that wanted to keep pushing. Wanted to chase the fight he was looking for if only so he could feel something. But Steve had bags under his eyes and a specific glint in them that told he was one second away from crying and fuck, Eddie hated to see him crying.

“Sure, let’s go home,” Eddie said, downing his water and getting up, stretching his hand for Steve to grab it.

Steve did, and there was relief in the way he carried himself out of the bar, close enough to Eddie that he knew he was expecting them to go home together, but distant enough that they could be mistaken as good friends. He signaled a taxi and gave him his home address, curling around Eddie the second they were moving and falling asleep before they were rounding the corner.

x

Eddie didn’t know when the bad days started outnumbering the good ones.

In the beginning, he and Steve only had good days. They would spend all day curled up in bed together, watching movies and fucking and lazily kissing and he wondered where that went and how he could get it back.

So he started trying to get it back. And when that wasn’t enough, he tried harder. But by then, he knew all the bad habits were already rooted inside of him. Knew he couldn’t have a good night of sleep if he didn’t have at least one beer. Knew he’d rather be high than sober.

And he knew Steve disapproved of that. That every single one of his new habits triggered a bunch of Steve’s own habits. That every time Eddie turned to booze and parties, Steve threw himself harder into work.

If Eddie was out until 4am drinking, he would come home to an empty bed and Steve would only show two hours later, tired from being in the studio all night. If Eddie invited Gareth and Jeff to his house to eat pizza and play video games during the day, Steve would make sure he stayed holed up in the studio, writing songs, reworking the ones he already had.

That meant Steve had his third studio album while Corroded Coffin could barely finish their second one. Eddie wasn’t available enough to make it happen even with their deadline getting closer and closer.

There was an impending risk of H&H dropping them if they couldn’t complete the album, but Eddie wasn’t too worried. He knew just how valuable they were. He knew Richard despised him and still saw in him the potential and would hold on to it because he was a greedy man.

So he and Steve were out of sync for the first time since they started going out. Eddie missed him when they were apart and couldn’t stop picking fights when they were together. He had no idea why Steve still put up with him and he was too scared to ask.

Afraid Steve was going to come to his senses once the right question had been asked.

In the meantime, Gareth met and fell in love with Jessi and he was always telling anyone that would listen how he was going to marry her. Eddie didn’t know if seeing his best friend in love was stirring things up inside of him or if it was his impending 23rd birthday or if he was just too tired of playing this heartbreaking game, but he was starting to want to fight it.

He knew he and Steve had something special. The kind of thing you only get once in a lifetime. And he wasn’t going to let his chance go to waste. He wasn’t going to let Steve slip through his fingers, not without fighting for him.

So that was what he did.

At least that was part one of his attempt at making things good again between him and Steve.

He wanted this to be a nice surprise, so he picked Steve up from the studio at lunch time with the excuse of wanting to drive around and eat something together. That wasn’t something he used to do and he could see the surprise sparkling behind Steve’s hazel eyes.

Steve even dared to steal a quick kiss from him before they were out of the H&H garage building. Eddie felt his heart fluttering like he was a school kid and he thought that was a good start.

They drove through one of their favorite neighborhoods in LA and he thought to himself when had they become old enough to have a favorite neighborhood.

“I missed you,” he said, reaching for Steve’s hand and interlacing their fingers. Steve looked up from his Chick-Fil-A and he had the most beautiful smile on his face and Eddie hated himself a bit more for keeping that smile away the way that he did.

“Missed you too, baby,” Steve said, still smiling and stuffing a bunch of fries in his mouth. “I’m glad you asked me to lunch.”

If this were old Eddie, he would pick a fight over it. But this was the new, improved Eddie. The one who was trying so hard to make this relationship work. So he smiled and nodded and said 'me too' and watched as Steve smiled back just because he wouldn’t ever get tired of it.

Once they were done with their food, Eddie drove around for a second before parking with the excuse of throwing away the trash before heading back. The street was empty and Steve was looking incredibly handsome and he just couldn’t resist it.

He could never resist Steve.

Eddie leaned in without realizing how that was his first mistake. Whatever magical aura the two of them had going on was instantly broken by Eddie’s missed kiss. Steve awkwardly turned his head, making Eddie’s lips meet his cheeks instead of his mouth and then he stepped back and tried to act normal even as Eddie felt a tightness in his chest.

What Eddie should’ve done, though, was take a step back. Was noticing how maybe that wasn’t the best moment for his biggest surprise. How he should work his way to it instead of wanting to use it as a shortcut to make things better between them.

But Eddie had never been the brightest when it came to relationships.

“I, uh, have another surprise for you,” he said and watched as a few different emotions crossed Steve’s face before he landed on a neutral one.

“Should I be scared?” Steve asked and Eddie laughed even if it felt a little hollowed. Should he? Maybe.

He asked if he could cover Steve’s eyes and take him somewhere and Steve looked a little uncertain but ended up saying yes, so Eddie did. Hands over his eyes, he led the way around the block to the big house at the end of the street.

Eddie didn’t remember the first time Steve had mentioned the house and he couldn't remember how many times Steve had driven past it, always stopping to look at it when he had the chance. At first, Eddie just found it adorable, that Steve liked a house so much he would keep driving by it. But then, he started to understand what intrigued Steve so much about it.

There was a family that lived there. It wasn’t a big family, but sometimes when they drove by, they could see the mother and the son walking around together or the father and the son playing basketball on the little hoop out front.

Eddie knew how complicated Steve’s relationship with his parents was and after a lot of late-night conversations, he understood there was some sort of longing for that. Not necessarily the house, but what the house represented. What the house could be, if he had parents that cared about him.

Steve wouldn’t admit it out loud, but he craved a normal family more than anything. Eddie had no doubt Steve would give up everything he had for a life like that. And yeah, maybe Eddie also hadn’t had the picture perfect of a normal family–god knew Wayne did his best to do good by Eddie– but he was willing to try and get Steve as close as possible.

So he walked him to the sidewalk in front of Steve’s dream house and he retracted his hands so Steve could see the house he probably knew by heart by now.

“Surprise!” Eddie said, opening his hands in a silly gesture.

Steve looked at him for a brief second before turning to the house again and Eddie knew it was going to take a second. He watched as comprehension dawned on Steve as his eyes moved from the house to the big For Sale sign up front.

“Oh,” Steve said, raising an eyebrow. “What happened to them?”

“I…” Eddie should’ve known Steve would like to know. But they could find that out later, if it was that big of a deal. “I’m not sure but, um, they’ll be changing the sign tomorrow, if I’m not mistaken.”

Steve turned to him, still sporting a confused expression. “Is it not for sale anymore?”

“Uhm, no, no it’s not.”

He watched as Steve deflated in front of him and Eddie wasn’t sure when he had lost control of the entire thing.

“I mean, it’s because someone bought it!” he said, and Steve snorted.

“Yeah, I figured that much.”

“I mean!” Eddie said, scrambling with his own words. “I bought it.”

Out of all possible outcomes, the heavy silence that fell between them wasn’t the reaction he expected when breaking the news.

“You bought… this house?”

Eddie didn’t know why, but he had the impression he was messing things up beyond his control and he didn’t know how to stop it.

“I… did. I know how much you liked it and I was driving around last month and I saw it was going to be put for sale. I wasn’t sure how to tell you and I know things have been hard lately and maybe this is absolutely insane but I thought maybe this was a sign. Maybe the universe was sending me a sign and I wasn’t going to be dumb enough to ignore it, right?”

“The universe sent you a sign to buy a house?” Steve asked, eyes moving between Eddie and the house.

“No! But, uhm, yeah, sort of? I just thought maybe this was what we needed. A chance to start over. To make things work. To be happy in a place I know brings you a lot of happiness.”

That was the exact moment Eddie knew he had fucked up.

Steve took a step back, eyes moving away from Eddie and not returning. There was a tinge of hesitation on his tone and Eddie knew he lost him, right there.

“Eddie, you cannot buy a house like that! That’s something… you talk about. That’s something you think about and discuss and make sure it’s the right thing to do and not something you just spring on someone like this.”

Eddie tried to move back in, to get Steve back in so they could at least talk about it. Maybe this wasn’t more than a miscommunication, something they would work around. He could fix it if Steve only let him.

His fingers brushed Steve’s and at the same moment a car drove past them, too fast for them to even worry about getting seen but enough to put paranoia back into Steve’s orbit. He pulled back, looking around like a paparazzi would jump out from the bushes and catch them doing something forbidden.

And they weren’t. They were just trying to live.

“Let’s talk about it, Stevie,” he said, voice low and making sure to keep his hands to himself.

Steve looked at him. His eyes were wide and a little scared. He kept glancing around and he was unease and Eddie wondered how the fuck could things have derailed so much so quickly. He just wanted to do something nice for him. For them.

He wanted Steve to know Eddie was serious about them. Eddie wanted them to work, and he was willing to make it happen, if only by his own willpower. But he could see Steve pulling back. He could see him disappearing inside of himself while Eddie was there, chest bare and open to him.

“Just… I’m late. Dad’s going to be pissed at me if I’m late again,” he said and it sounded like an excuse to Eddie’s ears.

“I… ok. We can… I’ll take you back. But can we please talk about it?”

The two of them stared at each other, frozen in place. Eddie was waiting for an answer from Steve and Steve was… waiting for Eddie to move.

“Yeah. Yeah, sure, we’ll talk about it later, but please let’s just… go?”

Eddie nodded, burying his hands in his jeans pockets to avoid reaching for Steve. He was itching to touch him, to try and assure himself that this was fine. If Steve said they were going to talk about it later that was because they would. And he needed them to.

But he couldn’t fight the weird feeling weighing on his chest as he dropped Steve off back at the studio, a short goodbye before Steve walked away, not even bothering to look back.

x

July 6h, 1989

Hollywood Tribune

Love is in the air!

It seems like we’re in the love season again. Steve Harrington was just spotted shopping for jewelry. And not random jewelry that you get your mom or something. He was shopping for engagement rings. It looks like we can expect engagement news pretty soon.

Now the question is: Who is the lucky lady?

x

Eddie didn’t consider himself the kind of guy that drank to ignore his problems.

He was pretty sure he was the kind of guy who drank because it was fun. Because he liked to have fun with his friends, and laugh and buy rounds to celebrate their new tour starting in less than a week.

Eddie couldn’t wait to be out there again. Los Angeles had been home for a while now, and he didn’t hate it like most people did. But there was an empty house in his name and he needed to figure out his move before going on tour and that only reminded him of the talk he and Steve never had.

He wasn’t sure where he had gone wrong if he was being honest, but he had some theories. It would be harder to explain the two of them living together. It wouldn’t go well with whatever narrative Richard was creating for Steve this time. Rich bachelors don’t go houseshare with their friends. That just wasn’t something that happened.

Eddie wished Steve would just tell his dad to fuck off.

He shook his head, downing a tequila shot and ignoring the lime on the side. He was sitting in a booth at the bar they always went to, multiple empty glasses around him. Gareth and Jeff were there, too. They sat down with him for a while, but now Eddie could see Gareth standing in a corner, with Jessi pressed against him as he kissed her. Jeff had slipped out to the bathroom a few minutes ago and a girl he had been flirting with followed him there so Eddie was sure he wasn’t coming back any time soon.

So it was just Eddie.

He didn’t mind the loneliness all that much, but maybe he should just go home. He had boxes he still needed to label so the movers knew what to take to the new house and what to give away. Eddie didn’t have much anyway and the house was way bigger than his current apartment, so he would probably need to bribe someone to get him some extra furniture, just so the house didn’t look unlived in.

He glanced up, unsure if he was going to ask for the check or one more shot for the road when his eyes met Steve as he walked into the bar.

Steve had a cap on, hiding part of his face, and was wearing a blue polo that made Eddie wonder if he didn’t realize how bright that was. If his plan was to go unnoticed that polo wasn’t helping.

He watched as Steve and Gareth acknowledged each other right before Gareth went back to kissing Jessi and then he was walking towards Eddie.

It wasn’t that they hadn’t talked since Eddie told him he had bought him a house. They had. But not about that. Always something boring like the weather or their last studio session before the tour. Something that made Eddie feel like he and Steve weren’t anything but strangers. As if Eddie couldn’t fucking map the moles in all of Steve’s body by heart.

“Is this seat taken?” Steve asked, voice a little rough from being in the studio all day.

Eddie looked up at him, wondering if he should be the asshole. He could say no. He could say yes and then walk away and leave him there all alone. Just like Steve had done for the past two weeks.

“Suit yourself,” he heard himself saying. It wasn’t the first time his brain and his mouth fought over control of his body.

Steve offered him half a smile and sat down, pushing the empty glasses to the side. He looked so weird here, like he didn’t belong. Too dressed up to be in a shitty bar like this. Too sober to be sitting across Eddie’s mess.

“You’re mad at me,” Steve said and Eddie gave himself the right to not react. It wasn’t a question anyway. “And you have every right to be. I’m sorry, Eddie.”

Eddie stared at him, blinking slowly. Steve was good at saying sorry. He was always doing it for someone. 'I’m sorry I was late', 'I’m sorry the song is not done yet', 'I’m sorry I needed the extra time'. Always with a bright, soft smile on his face that would disarm even the most angry person. No one could stay mad at Steve.

No one but Eddie.

And Richard.

“Apology accepted,” Eddie said, his voice sounding weird to his own ears. From the frown on Steve’s forehead, he had also picked up on that.

“That’s ok, you don’t have to accept it right now,” Steve said. “I fucked up. Big time. It’s ok if you don’t want to forgive me, but I would appreciate it if you could listen to what I have to say.”

Eddie stared at him. Steve wasn’t holding him against his will there. If Eddie said no and got up and left, he was pretty sure Steve was not going to follow him. Maybe he wouldn’t ever go after him again. Eddie couldn’t decide if he hated or loved that.

“I wanna have fun today,” was what Eddie said. Steve kept his stare blank, waiting to see where this was going. “I’ll hear you out, if you drink with me.”

He could see the internal debate Steve was having, but Eddie had no doubt in his mind that he was going to win this one.

“One shot. One beer. Then we go somewhere quiet to talk,” Steve said. Eddie could say no. He could be an asshole and say they were going to do things his way. But there was some sort of anguish behind Steve’s eyes that made the knots in his guts all twisted and weird.

“Deal,” Eddie said, already raising his hand to order their drinks.

x

By the time their second beer arrived at the table, Eddie was already drunk. Steve didn’t seem to be too sober either, and Eddie wondered for a brief second if he had been drinking before coming here.

When he raised his hand to order a new round he felt Steve’s warm fingers wrapping themselves around his wrist and he giggled, letting his head fall into his shoulders.

“Let’s go,” Steve said, barely a whisper tickling Eddie’s ear. “I wanna be somewhere quieter with you.”

Eddie nodded his head and let Steve lead the way. He paid for their drinks and he guided Eddie out of the booth, one hand on the small of his back and the other wrapped around his biceps to keep him up. Eddie wanted to throw his arms around Steve, but that was a big no, so he controlled himself.

He controlled himself as they got a taxi and he controlled himself as Steve directed the driver to The Four Seasons.

“It’s part of what I wanted to talk to you about,” Steve said, eyes shining from the lights passing outside the car. “I sold my apartment last week.”

Eddie was holding it together up until that moment, but the words melted inside of him like butter on a hot pan, creating a quiet buzz in his brain.

“What?”

“I gave the new owner the keys today,” Steve kept going as if that made any sense. “My things are in storage because I wasn’t sure what you would want to keep, but we can look at them before the tour and then have the move while we’re out so we don’t have to worry about it.”

“What?” Eddie asked again because what even were words? Maybe he was too drunk for that conversation.

The car stopped and then someone was opening the passenger door and Steve was getting out, pulling Eddie with him, hands clasped together tightly like nothing else mattered.

And in fact, nothing did. Only the two of them. Here now. Only what Steve was saying.

“You’re moving in?” Eddie asked, even as Steve pulled him along the steps to get into the lobby. The doorman called him 'Mr. Harrington' and Eddie saw him slipping him a crisp 50.

“If you still want that, yeah,” Steve said as if there was anything else Eddie could ever want.

They walked past the reception and into an elevator, and maybe it was the drinks or maybe it was the fact that Steve had just told him he was going to move in, but the second the doors were closed and there were only the two of them inside, Eddie was on him.

Steve let out a gasp, but let himself be pressed between the elevator wall and Eddie’s body, his hands finding his waist and pulling him in instead of pushing him away.

Eddie’s mouth found Steve’s, and he kissed him like it was the first time. Hands holding his face as he licked his way into his mouth. He pressed their hips together and could feel the way they were both already semi-hard.

His mouth slipped into Steve’s jaw and one of his hands slid down, pressing his neck. Steve let out the most pathetic moan Eddie had ever heard and fuck it if it wasn’t also the most delicious one.

“Will you let me fuck you tonight?” Eddie asked, just a little bit mean. Steve moaned a response, but it wasn’t good enough for him. “Words, sweetheart. I need them.”

Steve let out a whimper and Eddie could see he was trying to concentrate, even as he nipped at the soft skin of his neck, the ding of the elevator nothing more than background noise. From the looks of it, Steve had gotten them the presidential suite.

“I already prepped myself for you,” Steve said in a low voice, and Eddie felt a sting of pleasure all over his body. The image of Steve fingering and edging himself for Eddie imprinting itself in his mind.

“Yeah? Were you hoping I was going to fuck you in that big bed, Stevie?”

Steve whimpered again, hips stuttering forward and making their erections brush together. He was so hard. And Eddie was just getting started.

He took a step back so he could turn Steve and press his front to the wall. Steve moaned and as Eddie was about to glue himself to his back, the elevator door opened, informing them they had reached the last floor.

Eddie laughed, leaning in so he could drop a kiss on Steve’s neck before pulling him out of the elevator and into the empty corridor.

God, he was going to ruin him tonight.

x

Steve looked absolutely magnificent spread out on the bed. It should have been a crime for him to look like that, face slack, eyes shut as he let out these little whimpers while Eddie completely ruined him.

Eddie had cum once already, inside Steve’s perfect mouth. His lips were still red and swollen from being stretched around Eddie’s dick, and there was nothing Eddie liked more than to see him like that. He could feel his dick getting hard again and he was hoping he had one more in him. Steve deserved that much.

What he hadn’t earned yet, though, was the right to cum. Steve liked it when Eddie controlled him, even if his face right now was a mix of pain and pleasure. He had been holding out since they got there and Eddie wasn’t being nice.

Eddie had slowly undressed him, fingers grazing every new inch of bare skin he uncovered as if Steve was a christmas present. Gorgeous, buttery skin, delicious under his palm as Steve started to get riled up. Eddie would never not be impressed by how easy Steve was. How he opened up to Eddie, eager for every touch, responsive and sweet.

And Eddie couldn’t stop himself from taking advantage of that. He had laid Steve completely naked and he had fucked his mouth, fingers buried deep in his hair as Steve moved back and forth, swallowing everything he could, moaning around Eddie’s dick and doing that flick of tongue that drove him absolutely crazy.

He was truly proud of himself for lasting as long as he did.

Then he had moved Steve, turned him onto his stomach so he could admire his perfect round ass. Eddie was dying to put his mouth in him and that was exactly what he did, teeth finding the soft skin right under his ass and biting hard enough to bruise. Steve had cried out and asked for more, like the good boy that he was.

Eddie traced the lines of his own bite, admiring his work and watching his touch raise goosebumps on the tan skin. There was a special kind of feeling whenever Eddie had Steve like this. Completely gone for him, ass in the air in the hopes that Eddie would fill him up the way he wanted. It made Eddie feel so powerful, to know that no one else got him like this.

“Want my fingers, baby?” Eddie asked, index circling Steve’s rim as he moaned and pushed his hips back. “Tell me what you want. You know I’ll give it to you.”

And he would. Fuck. He would do anything for Steve. He would make sure to reduce him to a crying mess on the mattress if only so he could cuddle him afterwards until Steve was whole again. Until he could speak words that made sense again.

Right now the only things that left his mouth were 'Eddie' and 'please' and if he was being honest, he didn’t know if Steve had any idea of what he was even asking for. He just needed Eddie.

Eddie pressed his finger inside and Steve opened up for him, the way he always did.

He wasn’t kidding when he said he had prepped himself for Eddie, and soon one finger became two, then three.

“You take me so well, sweetheart,” Eddie praised because he knew Steve liked it and Steve rewarded him with a long clench around his fingers and a low moan. He took his time watching because he would never get used to that view. Steve’s perfect ass, taking his fingers like it was nothing.

Fuck.

“I need to put my mouth on you, Stevie. Can I?”

Steve barely had time to say yes and Eddie was already moving, pulling his fingers out and adjusting himself so he could bury his face in between Steve’s asscheeks.

He could feel his dick pulsing with just the idea of eating Steve out, and Eddie wrapped one arm around him so he could tilt his hips up at just the right angle. He kissed the place he had left the bite mark and made his way up, closer and closer to Steve’s hole that he was clenching around nothing.

Eddie licked a long stripe from his balls right into his center and Steve’s entire body went tight right as his tongue pushed inside and Steve came all over the bed. But Eddie wouldn’t stop. He couldn’t. Not when he had exactly what he wanted.

He kept pressing his tongue inside as Steve writhed and moved and pushed and pulled. Eddie wasn’t sure if he was trying to get away from him or to get closer. Probably both.

“Don’t… stop,” Steve said in between pants. Eddie had no intention of stopping. He wanted to keep going until Steve was seeing stars.

Eddie had no idea how long it took for him to come again. His jaw was starting to cramp and he was pretty sure his tongue was numb but Steve was still taking it like a champ even if the overstimulation was unbearable. He was taking it and taking it and fucking loving every second of it and Eddie wouldn’t leave him hanging.

It felt like a competition to see who would bow down first and Eddie would be damned if he would be the loser. Even if in this scenario there were no losers. He got to spend who knew how long buried in his boyfriend’s ass right after he told him they were about to move in together.

Eddie would get to do this whenever he wanted and however many times he wanted.

He would wake up to a naked Steve and he would get to make love to him every single morning before starting their days. He could fall asleep with his dick safely nested between Steve’s ass cheeks, just to make it easier for them to have sex the next morning.

And maybe it was that image of Steve in his bed, waiting for his dick to fill him up. Or maybe it was Steve’s little whimpers and moans and the way Eddie’s name sounded curled around his tongue. Or maybe it was the fact that he had no idea how long he had spent eating Steve out, but his orgasm took him by surprise right then.

He exploded and moaned against Steve’s skin, holding on tightly to him and feeling his climax shaking the entire bed.

Once he was done, Eddie let his limp body fall on the bed and felt happier when Steve moved to curl next to him. He wished they were in their bed, inside their house, but Eddie had no doubt in mind they would have many orgasms in that bed.

Lying here with Steve next to him, Eddie couldn’t wait to begin their lives together.

x

Everything was ruined before dawn.

Eddie could barely keep up with things as they happened, but someone almost knocked down the door to get Steve. Then Richard was there, eyes impressively cold as he watched Steve and Eddie still naked in bed.

Eddie wanted to cover himself, but Steve was paralyzed, eyes wide as he listened to his dad.

He always knew Richard had some sort of weird control over Steve, but knowing and seeing it were completely different things. Steve was all 'yes, sir' and 'no, sir' and Eddie was having a hard time keeping up until the brown envelope was opened in front of them.

Inside there were some grainy, black and white pictures and even if the quality was questionable, it was undoubtedly the two of them. Wrapped around one another as they kissed like teenagers on some footage from the elevator’s security camera.

Eddie kept asking himself why he had forgotten that elevators had cameras, but Steve was already ten steps ahead of him, telling his father how he had made sure to be as discreet as possible.

Eddie wanted to talk to Steve in private. The shock of seeing himself in a picture that would have been printed in a newspaper in a matter of hours if Richard hadn’t intervened was enough to make him want to just hug his boyfriend for a whole minute. He wanted to ask him what they could do and if there was any way to fix it.

But Eddie had no chance because after yelling and looking utterly disappointed, Richard dragged Steve out of bed and out of the room, a robe thrown over his shoulders for him to cover himself up as Richard warned Eddie to stay away from Steve until further notice if he wanted to keep his job.

And it was not like Eddie would put his job above Steve, but he knew Richard would punish his own son way harsher and he didn’t like the idea of Steve being punished for something he did, so he just nodded and accepted that he and Steve had fucked up badly this time.

x

Los Angeles, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Even after all this time, loving Steve still felt like deja vu.

Not because Eddie could retrace every single line of his body from memory, or because Steve had single-handedly ruined anything vanilla scented for him for the rest of his life.

But because Eddie knew all too well the fiery flame of jealousy. How it burned inside of Eddie, an ugly thing the second Steve’s shoulders were wrapped by Chrissy’s little arms as he lifted her up as if they hadn’t been all over each other a mere few days ago.

It left a bad taste in his mouth as he watched him kissing her cheek before putting her down, their laughs getting lost in the crowd as Eddie stood too far out to hear what they were saying but too damn close that it was impossible for him not to look.

Eddie hated the way this made him feel, even after all these years. Not that he truly thought he was over Steve but he fucking hoped that by now he was at least used to seeing Steve with other people. With her, out of everyone.

But things were worse this time than they were back then, because Steve kept looking at him. His eyes kept searching Eddie’s as if he wanted to say something and Eddie wasn’t sure if he wanted to hear what Steve had to say.

He was tired of this game they were playing. He was tired of feeling like shit because he couldn’t move on from someone who had clearly moved on from him a long time ago. Eddie was fucking tired of thinking about the almost kiss and how much he wanted it. How could he want someone who didn’t want him anymore?

How could he love Steve when Steve had stopped loving him after…

“Hey man, you good?”

Jeff.

Eddie blinked and looked at his friend, fists clenching at his sides.

“'M good,” he said before taking a sip of his water. He couldn’t remember how long he had been at this fucking party, and maybe there was something about him, because for the first time ever Robin had left him alone.

She hadn’t dragged him to meet anyone, and Eddie knew she had been keeping Gareth and Jeff very busy throughout the night. Maybe she just knew he needed a break.

“You sure?” Jeff asked and fuck, Eddie knew he meant well, but he would prefer if people stopped fucking asking him dumb things.

“Yeah. Just need a cigarette,” Eddie said and patted his pockets as if looking for the pack he didn’t even have.

But the lie was enough to make Jeff offer him a half-smile and a nod. Just an acknowledgement that he knew Eddie needed something.

Eddie moved quickly to a side door that opened into a big garden. He had no intention of smoking but he would definitely use that as an excuse to slip out without alerting anyone. He would crawl back into his couch and he would sleep until it was time to fly back to tour again.

And then he would be over Steve.

Well, he obviously wouldn’t be over him, but he would be over all of this, whatever that was. He would go back to tour and do his job and hide from everyone else whenever he could. He would survive the next months just like he had survived the last 7 years and after everything was done, he would beg Richard to cut him loose. Would give him everything he still had if it meant having his freedom back and not having to look at Steve ever again.

He would apologize to Gareth and Jeff for the rest of his life, but he would make sure they knew they were better off without him and then he would disappear without a trace. Maybe get a job with Wayne back in Indy.

He would start over once and for all. Something he should’ve done after the 1989 disaster of a tour. But there was a part of him that still had hope. There was a part of him that had been waiting 7 years for Steve to knock on his door again.

Just in case Steve would come back.

But it was clear that he wouldn’t. It was clear that Steve knew just how easy it was to fall back into Eddie, even if that wasn’t exactly what he wanted. Eddie could understand that given how hard it was to deny something you once knew.

And just as he stepped outside, he heard it. The voice he would recognize anywhere, anyway.

“Eddie,” Steve called.

Eddie looked over his shoulder to see Steve walking towards him. He could see Chrissy a little further back, eyes focused on the scene in front of her, but Eddie couldn’t read her.

Was she mad because Steve was going after Eddie? Or had she been the one to suggest it, so they could clear the air?

Eddie considered stopping. He considered turning to Steve and listening to what he had to say while the party kept going around them and the temperature dropped because it was almost winter in Los Angeles.

He considered giving Steve the chance to break his heart again while making himself feel better about it. Eddie could even hear Steve’s excuses about how Eddie didn’t get it. He couldn’t understand.

But he could. He understood it perfectly as he turned away from Steve and increased his pace, crossing the yard until he was on the street, hand stretching out to the handle of a taxi before he slipped in, never looking back.

He had no idea if Steve had followed him, but he also didn’t regret not knowing.

Chapter Text

Los Angeles, 1989

(Eddie is 22, Steve is 21)

Eddie would never imagine watching a fucking Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show would be this fun.

He also never imagined he would be making a drinking game out of it, but since one of his favorite hobbies was torturing himself with all things Steve related, it was not like he could waste this opportunity.

After they were almost caught at the Four Seasons, everything had become much much more complicated. Richard was all over Steve, more than ever, and Eddie knew Steve had been struggling to keep up to his demands.

He expected Steve to be on his best behavior at all times and Steve had definitely lost the ability to say no to his father –not that he had ever been very good at that– which put him in the most absurd situations. Richard was determined to make his son’s life a living hell, making him work his ass off as if that would be enough to show him just how badly he had almost fucked up.

But worst of all, Steve was also kind of distant. He and Eddie had barely been able to talk on the phone lately and whenever they did, Eddie was under the impression Steve’s mind was elsewhere, worried about everything, as if he had any control over any of it.

Which meant Eddie hadn’t known until two hours earlier that Steve was going to be performing at the VS fashion show and Eddie had been a little too upset about it, but instead of leaving all sorts of dumb messages on his answering machine, Eddie had decided to be the bigger person and just get stupidly drunk while watching Steve being stupidly hot on national television.

He took a sip every time someone walked in wearing some sort of wings,–he had no idea what was up with that, but hey, maybe he could borrow some of them some time to play D&D–he took a sip every time the narrator said something incredibly misogynistic which was way more often than it should have been, and obviously he took a sip every time Steve showed up.

First he just walked the catwalk looking like a fucking wet dream. His hair was pulled back in a way he rarely wore it and he was wearing just these tiny gold boxers paired with black angel wings that made him look like Eddie’s favorite mistake.

He looked delicious and Eddie was having a hard time making his drunk-ass brain not have dirty thoughts about him. He would need to call him after and convince Steve to have dirty phone-sex with him just because.

The second time he appeared was right before the big commercial break, when he performed one of his new singles. He was wearing a completely different outfit this time–just a tiny bit more dressed, which was disappointing–and there was also a full band on stage with him while the girls kept walking.

Eddie felt a pang of jealousy when Chrissy walked in. She looked gorgeous in a pair of mechanic wings and tiny lingerie and Eddie hated to see the way Steve wrapped his arm around her waist, making her lose her place on the line just so she could make googly eyes at him.

All of the fun got sucked out of the room with that sight, and Eddie had to look away when the camera panned in close to their faces. They were almost eating each other with their eyes and it made Eddie feel like he was invading their privacy or something crazy like that.

Then it dawned on him how this was probably part of Richard’s plan to cover his ass. If Steve was always stunned by a girl as beautiful as Chrissy, there was no way he would be wasting his time sucking face with someone like Eddie, right?

Eddie knew how the mind of the general audience worked. Gay people only existed if they fit their incredibly offensive stereotype and it was easy to throw them off with someone as passing as Steve. Yeah, he was bisexual, but everyone would be willing to look past it if he was ever only seen with women and Richard knew he could use that in his favor.

Shamelessly he had tried talking to Steve about coming out. At first he would only implicate himself and his own official walk out of the closet, that hadn’t happened yet because of Richard and how utterly against it he was.

Eddie had been confident about his sexuality for years, and coming from a small, conservative town, he had dealt with his fair share of homophobes all his life. He was thankful for Wayne, of course, because the man was old but he had barely batted an eyelash when Eddie came out to him, shaking and scared that he was about to get kicked out of his house.

So obviously, it wasn’t Richard Harrington that would keep him in the closet. But was also trying to be smart about it, because he could see how much that made Steve anxious.

Steve seemed pretty confident about his sexuality too, in the sense that Eddie never doubted he was attracted to him. Steve would kiss him like he had been starving for it and would make throwaway comments about a guy in a movie like second fucking nature.

But sharing that with other people outside of his safe bubble? That was something that visibly shook Steve to his core. They discussed it a few times, and Steve was always telling Eddie he should come out whenever he wanted, even if they both knew how much more complicated that would make their dynamic, publicly speaking. So for now, Eddie decided to keep it to himself.

Steve, on the other hand, seemed to not see any reason why he should publicly come out. Eddie tried to be understanding and nice. Everyone had their process and Steve being someone who had been famous since a young age knew perfectly well how that could affect his career, but in a perfect world they would get to live their romance publicly without any problem.

Eventually, Eddie started to feel like they were going in circles. And then Richard started to be more and more set on Steve not coming out and Steve wanted to appease his father and Eddie knew that was a battle he couldn’t win just now. He had to be smart about it and he had to hold on to the arguments he had so he could use them at the right time. When Steve was ready and willing.

Still, Eddie considered this to be a smart play for Richard. Steve and Chrissy were always together and even if someone tried to say something about the elevator footage, this right there was irrefutable proof that Steve liked girls.

Eddie downed the rest of his drink to that, and made every effort possible to ignore how his heart hurt at the way Steve was looking at Chrissy.

x

Los Angeles, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Eddie would blame it on the awful night of sleep he just had, on the fact that it was barely 7 am and especially on the fact that he was trying very hard not to think about Steve, but it was only when he was aboard the jet and the pilot said the doors were closed that he realized someone was missing.

He had gone home after ignoring Steve and he had laid in bed, definitely not thinking about him.

Starting this tour had been hard on Eddie for more than one reason. Being older now and looking back at his first try at being a famous musician, Eddie could clearly see a lot of places where things went wrong. He indulged himself too much, lost sight of what was really important, and cared too much about things that shouldn’t matter.

It baffled him how someone so young could have so much money and not one single responsible person to tell him what to do.

Not that Wayne hadn’t tried. But being a few states away and with Eddie always being on the move, jumping from one city to the next, one show to the next, it was hard to talk to him often.

He knew Wayne blamed himself. He blamed himself too much, even, but that was a fight Eddie was done having.

For a long time, Eddie tried to absolve Steve from everything. Steve was nothing if not another victim of this fucked up world and while that still might be true, Steve was right there by Eddie’s side, making every shitty decision he possibly could make because he was just too young to truly see how much all of that would affect everyone else.

Steve was too wrapped up in his own shit with his father, too worried about what Richard and the label needed from him and he was just like that, always trying to put everyone else’s problems in front of his, so when Eddie showed up in his life, Steve tried to split himself in a thousand different pieces to appease everyone.

He had set himself for failure the same way Eddie had.

So maybe it was everyone’s fault and no one’s fault at the same time. Maybe Eddie should’ve asked for help earlier and he definitely should’ve been more honest with Steve about how much things were hurting him.

Maybe that was what they called maturing or whatever.

If nothing good came out of this new tour, at least Eddie could say he had finally resolved things with himself. He was finally ready to move on and he was just now realizing how stuck he had been. How his guilt and remorse and this tiny sliver of hope had prevented him from living his life for the past 7 years.

And maybe that was one more reason why he had resented Steve. And why he had resented Richard, H&H and even Gareth and Jeff. Maybe part of his fear of coming back to the band was also connected to his own feelings and how, for seven years, he hadn’t been truly able to move on while everyone else seemed to be doing exactly that.

Eddie had fucked up, yeah, but he also had been the one to deal with the consequences of the shit he pulled with no fucking break. Eddie couldn’t log off from his life or his brain. And Eddie had to nod and smile and swear he was fine because he would be damned if he was going to worry people. Wayne had barely survived the scare and he kept telling Eddie how he should quit his job and move to LA to be with him, and Eddie couldn’t think of one single thing he would have hated more.

He hated to think of himself as a burden and he knew he had been one for a long time. So the second he found an out, he took it. Isolating himself was easier than handling his and everyone else’s feelings.

It had been painful, for sure, but Eddie could see things clearly now. And he could move on.

So maybe he would blame both his lack of sleep and the fact that he had way too much in his head right now. He was sitting at the far back of the plane and he could see Jeff and Gareth sitting next to each other. Gareth had his eyes closed, nursing his hangover for sure while Jeff looked over a bunch of papers Eddie figured were new ad contracts and other boring stuff that Jeff always handled.

He saw Robin on the other side, sitting on the big couch they had. She and Steve would usually share that and sleep basically on top of each other while the plane took them wherever they were going, but today, she was all alone in there.

Which hadn’t struck Eddie as weird up until this very second. The question was almost out of his mouth when Robin looked at him, her stare a little challenging as if she just knew Eddie was curious about Steve’s whereabouts even if he had no right to that.

He bit his lower lip, considering asking anyway. He had a right to know where the other act of their tour was, right? And that had nothing to do with him wondering if Steve had decided to stay in LA for another day to enjoy some truly alone time with Chrissy.

Eddie blinked and focused back on Robin. She was still watching him, raising an eyebrow as if she was capable of reading his mind and she knew exactly what he was thinking. And since she was a fucking sadist, she wouldn’t make things easy for him.

He shook his head and let it fall back to the headrest, acquiescing in his decision to pretend that the fact that Steve wasn’t here because he was enjoying his girlfriend wasn’t bothering him.

x

August 29th, 1989

The Tribune

Surprise of the Year!

The new IT couple has officially arrived and we couldn’t be more jealous.

At the annual Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show last night, Steve Harrington was the guest of honor, and by the looks of it he really enjoyed himself.

After rising to fame when he was young with his TV show, Steve has made a flawless transition into more adult music and has been breaking hearts all around the country. He’s about to start his new tour alongside Corroded Coffin, but couldn’t leave Los Angeles without making a show out of it, right?

His presence in the VS show last night was full of big performances and bright clothes and even the traditional Victoria’s Secret Wings. Most of all, Steve seemed to be having fun throughout the entire night.

For his last act of the night, Steve got back on stage with just a guitar and played a truly romantic song of his called 'Home'. It was impossible not to swoon listening to it and you can imagine how Chrissy Cunningham felt when he told her the song was for her.

We have heard from a trustworthy source that backstage Steve has popped the question to Chrissy with the ring he was seen buying a few weeks ago. We have yet to put eyes on her wearing the ring, but we’re sure Steve got nothing if not the best for his girl.

x

Pittsburgh, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

“You’re so stressed,” Robin said so casually that it was like she was commenting on the weather. Eddie looked up at her from his spot in one of the front row seats as the tech guys got everything ready for soundcheck.

“No, I’m not,” Eddie said, even if the two of them knew that was bullshit.

Steve not being on the plane was one thing. Eddie was sure he would enjoy his special treatment of being the boss’ son and just get a plane for himself instead of riding it with everyone else. But they were already late for soundcheck, and Steve was nowhere to be seen.

“It’s a little funny,” she said, because Robin always found Eddie’s desperation a little funny.

“It’s not a little funny. He shouldn’t be allowed to be late,” Eddie said, and Robin’s smile grew because he just confirmed to her how he was stressing about Steve without her even needing to say his name.

“Oh, but he’s not allowed. In fact, I think Richard will be livid when he finds out. God, I wish I could be a fly on the wall just to see his reaction. But I’ll settle for yours.”

Now Robin was just saying cryptic shit to annoy him.

“Find out what?” Eddie asked, but he knew Robin wouldn’t make it that easy. She laughed and nodded to the stage where one of the guys was summoning Corroded Coffin.

Since Steve was late, they would have to soundcheck before him.

Eddie would love to say he was immune to Robin’s attempt to get under his skin, but that would be a lie. He spent the entirety of their soundcheck trying to figure out if she was just messing with his head or if he should be worried Steve was up to something and that was why he still hadn’t shown up.

x

Los Angeles, 1989

(Eddie is 22, Steve is 21)

If there was one thing Eddie did not want to do today, was run into Steve. And obviously, that was the one thing that ended up happening as he tried to leave H&H headquarters to go back home to start packing for tour.

Which started in less than 24 hours and Eddie had too much in his mind to be worried about Steve fucking Harrington. So what if Steve had been parading all around town with Chrissy by his side like a fucking dream couple? Eddie couldn’t care less.

But it was not because he didn’t care about what Steve did or didn’t do that he wanted to run into him. Especially not as he was leaving HQ looking like a crazy mess.

In his defense, Eddie always looked like a crazy mess before a tour. It was impossible not to, with everything he had to do before hitting the road and yet, somehow, Steve always looked like he had just stepped out of a magazine spread.

Not that Eddie was even paying attention.

In fact, he tried walking right past him as if he just didn’t notice Steve walking towards him, but sadly for him, that didn’t work. Steve’s hand wrapped around Eddie’s wrist before he could get too far because, apparently, Steve knew Eddie wouldn’t waste a chance of bolting out of an uncomfortable situation. Especially when he was involved.

“Please,” was what Steve said. Nothing more because he knew he didn’t need to say more. Eddie was pissed and they both knew the exact reason why. She was blonde, 5 feet tall and annoyingly pretty.

“I don’t wanna talk to you, Harrington,” Eddie said, his voice dripping ice even if it pained him to talk to Steve like that.

It was hard, but Eddie could still feel the way his heart had shattered when he was watching the fashion show. The way he saw Steve look at Chrissy as if she was the best thing that had ever existed, and no matter how good of an actor Steve was, that was just too real.

“I know. I know, Eddie, but please,” Steve said, his voice dropping an octave as his eyes darted around. Even as he tried to get Eddie to hear him out, Steve couldn’t stop obsessing about who could hear them, as if he was embarrassed of being seen with Eddie.

“Just leave me alone,” Eddie said and he hoped Steve could hear the desperation in his voice. They both knew that if Steve pushed hard enough, Eddie would crawl back to him like he always did.

Eddie honestly thought he had been the one pushing too hard.

When he and Steve first got together, Eddie had always imagined this would be something to keep casual. Just a fuck buddy to help him get through crazy studio hours. Someone who would understand what Eddie was going through and someone who would be happy to just let Eddie fuck his brains out whenever he needed to blow off some steam.

He didn’t know exactly when feelings started to get involved, and he knew that was the recipe for a disaster, and he knew he was getting attracted to it like a moth to a flame. And this was his funeral.

Steve’s thumb moved on his pulse point and Eddie hated the way it affected him. The way Steve affected him and how he didn’t stand a fucking chance.

“Just hear me out, Eddie,” Steve said, his eyes searching for Eddie’s. When he finally looked back at him, Steve went for the jugular, no remorse in his face. “I love you.”

Now, Eddie wasn’t a hopeless romantic. He knew that he was unlikely to find love the way he saw in the movies just because he was a guy who loved guys. No one told those stories because everyone preferred to pretend they didn’t exist. But ever since he met Steve, he started to get his hopes up.

Maybe…

But this wasn’t how he imagined hearing Steve saying 'I love you' for the first time. It should feel good, and instead felt like a loaded gun, about to go off and take Eddie’s heart out, leaving nothing behind.

It hurt, hearing it right now. Knowing Steve was only saying because he was desperate. Because he knew if he could get Eddie to believe him, Eddie would stay.

The funny thing was that the second those words left Steve’s mouth, he realized his mistake. Maybe it was the subtle flinch of Eddie’s body, still connected to Steve through his fingers in Eddie’s wrist. Maybe it was the hurt flashing across his face, probably miles away from the reaction Steve was expecting.

Or maybe it was just because Steve knew as well as Eddie that this wasn’t right.

It wasn’t right for Steve to tell Eddie he loved him right after singing their song to someone else on national television. It wasn’t right for him to use those words against Eddie when he knew what they would do to him. When he knew what they meant.

“Leave me the fuck alone,” Eddie said again, his voice cracking at the end, but he didn’t have enough strength to care. Steve could take his stupid words and his stupid ring and his stupid songs and he could get the fuck away from Eddie’s life.

x

September 14th, 1997

GQ Magazine

True Colors by Nancy Wheeler

You probably know Steve Harrington. If not for his two mega popular TV shows where he acted and danced and sang before he was even a proper teenager, then for his hit songs that took the country by storm or even because of his pretty face in the cover of a magazine, much like this one you’re currently reading.

But do you know Steve Harrington?

I know him as Steve, the popular boy who was never at school because of his insane shooting schedule, but who still insisted on trying it out because he wanted to have the normal teenage experience. Who, after a particularly nasty situation, had to admit defeat. He wouldn’t get to have a normal life after all.

Not when your classmates are more worried about who they are going to take to the dance while you’re trying to memorize lines for long shoots. Not when a particularly nosy one decides to take pictures of you and your then girlfriend by the school lockers.

Not when that makes national news as if all of our lives are just a new episode of your favorite reality show.

Back then, I was that girl, and Steve was a lot more worried about it than me. But I did throw the first punch at that asshole and I stand by that. He deserved it.

What Steve tells me, even now, is that he was never entitled to privacy. In his case, he couldn’t just lock his bedroom door and put a 'DO NOT ENTER' sign, hoping his parents would respect that. He would need to ask for respect from every paparazzi in the country. He might’ve been a little more protected when he was underage, but the second he turned 18 there was a picture of him with a small cake celebrating his birthday on the cover of every newspaper.

Steve says he doesn’t care now, got used to it, but if that wouldn’t jeopardize my job, I would still punch every single one of them in the face like I did back in school.

Which takes us back to my first question. Do you know Steve Harrington?

I’ve known him for almost my entire life and he still finds new ways to surprise me. The first time was when he made sure we would find a way to stay friends, even after I broke his heart. He calls every other week, just to make sure I haven’t forgotten about him. Sometimes we talk for two hours and others we’ll talk for two minutes, but I always pick up.

Steve made a name for himself while still keeping true to who he is, and that’s not something you see every day. He’s kind and extremely talented. Knows how to be professional and thinks he’s funny, but he’s not. He’s a regular guy, once you get to know him, and I think that’s what makes Steve so amazing.

Now, Steve didn’t call me to write a piece about how extremely un-funny he is –although I would’ve done it if he had.– He called me because he had something he wanted to share and this time he wanted to do it on his own terms. He’s tired of feeling like his life is out of his control, so this is him taking control back.

There was a huge amount of preparation for this interview, and my boss is not happy with the fact that he won’t get to approve it. Me and Steve are talking on the eve of the publication and I’m gonna type it up and send it to the press. No take backs, is what I tell him.

'I know,' he says, smiling at me through his Martini. 'It’s better this way.'

'You owe me one,' I tell him and he just smiles. I don’t think Steve has ever said no to me during the time we’ve been friends.

'I owe you more than one. What you’re doing for me right now… there’s not enough money in the world to pay for it.'

'And I wouldn’t charge. It’s unethical,' I say, and he laughs. One of us had to be the funny one, I think. 'You ready?'

'I was born ready.'

Then he tells me what it feels like to be in love with a guy.

I know all about it, of course, because sometimes Steve just needed to say it and he needed someone to hear it and Robin would punch him if he woke her up for that. But I never slept through the night and Steve always had my number.

But it’s different this time, because he’s not telling me. He’s telling you.

x

Pittsburgh, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Eddie felt like throwing up.

The magazine made its way to his hands in less than five minutes after he heard Steve had arrived at the venue, but by the time he was done reading Nancy’s piece, Steve was already on stage. Steve barely had time to change clothes and his make-up team kept touching him up whenever the stage lights were down and Eddie felt like he was going to pass out at any moment.

He could see Robin in his peripheral vision, at the very edge of the pit, eyes locked on him even with the show happening in front of her. He thought she would have that crazy smile on her face, the one that she used whenever she was right about something.

Instead, she had a soft smile, as if she was extending a hug to Eddie just because she knew he might need it.

He didn’t think a hug could fix it. He kept re-reading the piece because there was no way he was understanding it properly. There was no way Steve had just come out to the entire country and then stepped on stage to perform his show as if this was a normal Thursday.

It just didn’t make sense.

And then, as if things couldn’t get any weirder, Steve walked to the edge of the stage with just his acoustic guitar. He smiled in the pit’s direction, and Eddie felt like he was looking at him, even if that was impossible with the bright lights shining on him.

“It’s been a minute since I played this one,” Steve said, hands moving up and down the guitar even if Eddie was pretty sure that it was tuned to perfection. No one would dare give Steve Harrington an untuned guitar. “I still remember the last time I played it, actually.”

The crowd cheered in response and Steve smiled, huffing on the mic as he kept fake-tuning the guitar. Did he not know people could tell he was just stalling?

“It’s a very important song. One that I keep close to my heart. I wrote it during an especially happy time in my life but I messed it up the last time I played it, so this is me taking it back.”

Eddie didn’t have to listen to the first chords to know Steve was going to sing Home. He also didn’t need to hear it right now because he knew exactly when was the last time Steve had performed it. On a stage, in 1989, right before the world turned upside down. Those first notes reminded Eddie of the way his life spiraled out of control. How this song was the reason Steve and Eddie had crashed and burned when, once, it meant the world.

Eddie didn’t know if he could 'take it back' like Steve said he would.

He just knew he needed to get out of there.

x

The only place quiet enough for his thoughts was his bunk bed.

It was also the only place Eddie could pretend to be asleep and know no one would dare bother him.

Even then, he could hear Gareth and Jeff moving around, whispering to each other about Eddie because they didn’t realize he could hear them.

“Should we say something?” Gareth asked, a tinge of worry in his voice that made Eddie’s insides churn. “I think we should say something.”

“What would you say to someone when their ex just came out to the world in a magazine right before right before singing a song they wrote for you to a crowd of almost 70,000 people?” Jeff asked and even as the words left his mouth, Eddie couldn’t quite compute them.

They still didn’t make sense.

He burrowed his face on his pillow and had to hold back on his urge to scream his lungs out. His throat wouldn’t like that, but he also would alarm his friends that he wasn’t asleep after all, which would definitely lead to multiple questions Eddie didn’t have the answer to.

Much like the ones Gareth and Jeff kept saying back and forth between them.

“Do you think Eddie knew he was going to do that?” Gareth asked, and Jeff snorted.

“Of course not. Do you think Richard knew?” Jeff said back, and now the two of them snorted. Robin’s mention of Richard’s reaction came back to him and he groaned.

Robin knew because of course she did. She could’ve told Eddie so he would be… what? Prepared? Would that have mattered?

He couldn’t tell if it would. He couldn’t even tell if it mattered now. What did Steve think Eddie would do with that?

What should Eddie do with that?

“We’ll talk to him tomorrow, right?” Gareth asked and Jeff must’ve nodded because the next thing Eddie knew, he was listening to the two of them climbing on their bunks, saying good night to each other and then falling into silence.

And Eddie? He just lay awake, staring at his bunk bed ceiling, afraid to think about it.

Afraid of where his mind would take him, if he let it go too far.

x

Eddie wasn’t usually one to remember his dreams. A lot of people would just wake up and be able to tell you all the crazy things that had happened inside of their brains during the night with full on details, but not Eddie. He could actually count on one hand how many dreams he remembered.

Nightmares, though, were a totally different story.

He could go months without a single bad dream and then for a week the same one would repeat over and over again. Usually when he was particularly stressed or anxious and obviously, the day Steve decided to turn his life upside down had to be one of those days.

Truth be told, he didn’t even get to fall asleep properly, stuck in that weird almost-sleep state as his mind fell through the cracks of his anxiety.

Even if he knew what triggered the bad dream, it didn’t necessarily translate into what happened in them. But Steve was there, of course. He was always there.

Everything was black at first, and Eddie’s nostrils were flooded by this sickeningly sweet smell that his mind was fighting like hell to pinpoint what it was. There were loud noises, muffled by something and it was only when a group of people walked in, their hands pushing aside a thick, black curtain that he understood where he was.

This looked like a backstage of some sort and there were a bunch of girls in underwear walking around, giggling and talking loudly in a way that made his head pound.

He walked out, trying to get away from those sounds only to find himself standing on a brightly lit stage. It took a girl almost bumping into him with her wings for Eddie to realize where he was.

The Victoria’s Secret Fashion Show.

Eddie felt glued to the spot, eyes wandering to the empty space where the crowd should be and as he looked ahead, he saw them. Steve and Chrissy, standing at the end of the runway, no one around, no cameras, no nothing.

Just the two of them, Steve’s hand on her waist, bringing her closer even if no one was there to watch it.

Maybe that was Eddie’s biggest worry. That everything that Steve did wasn’t just for show. It was real. And the only one that couldn’t see it was Eddie.

He closed his eyes, trying to willing himself to wake up with no success. When he opened his eyes again, Steve and Chrissy were still there, tangled in each other. And then Steve did the most awful thing as he leaned down and kissed her full on the lips.

Eddie felt a scream get stuck in his throat and the scene started to change in front of him and he wasn’t sure he would be able to handle anything else. He felt his whole body free falling and then, he was awake. Drenched in sweat, heart racing in his chest as he tried to catch his breath in the darkness of his bunk bed.

The bus was quiet and Eddie was grateful for it as he climbed down from his bunk bed and slipped right into the small shower. He just wanted to wash the worst of it off so he could hopefully go back to sleep, but every time he closed his eyes to splash water in his face, the image of Steve and Chrissy kissing appeared again as if it was seared into his eyelids.

As soon as he turned the water off, he knew there was no way he was going to be able to go back to sleep. There was a chance he wouldn’t even dream again now that he had forced himself awake from it, but he couldn’t shake the bad feeling and he knew lying in bed would only make his brain feed itself with bad, bad feelings.

They didn’t have a show tomorrow, so maybe Eddie could grab a book to distract himself until he felt sleepy enough and then just sleep through the day as they rode to the next city.

Bonus points because he would also be able to avoid Steve completely if he did that. He had no idea if Steve would even try to talk to him or if he had done what he did with no ulterior motives, but Eddie wasn’t really looking forward to finding out.

If it were up to him, he would happily avoid Steve forever.

Eddie just didn’t expect to find Steve in the common area of the bus, a small light on while he read a book. Steve looked up, his eyes meeting Eddie’s instantly, and even then Eddie thought about just walking away and pretending that hadn’t happened.

Which would be really shitty of him.

But he still considered it.

Steve moved slowly, as if Eddie was a wild animal he was afraid of spooking, putting down his book and leaning back in his chair. If anyone else was looking at it, they would probably believe Steve was relaxed, but Eddie could read him like no one else, and he could see the tension on the hard set of his shoulders and the tight line his lips were forming.

He was coming into this maybe as nervous as Eddie was, and he had no idea if that was a good or a bad thing. Probably a little bit of both.

Someone had to make the first move and Eddie was kind of shocked to find himself moving, walking into the living area instead of retreating to his bed like he should have. But being in the same space as Steve didn’t mean they actually had to talk about it.

Lord knew how many times they’ve kept shit to themselves while sleeping in the same bed.

It seemed like Eddie’s slow and steady movements also set Steve in motion. After the initial shock, he finally relaxed a little more and grabbed his book again, pretending to read it even as Eddie felt his eyes on him in every single movement he made.

Eddie made himself a cup of tea and without really asking–too afraid that breaking the silence would disturb this weird truce– he made a refill for Steve too, setting the steaming mug in front of him and putting his old, cold tea away.

Steve was also afraid to disturb the silence, so he just thanked Eddie with a smile. Not tight like the one he had on when Eddie first walked in, but a softer one, that made Eddie feel like he was free falling.

He should take his tea back to bed and cut this sort-of-interaction as short as possible, but it was harder now that he was here, with Steve’s eyes on him and this small spark in his eyes. As if Steve was experiencing the same kind of confusion now.

All Eddie wanted when they were together was for Steve to stand up for himself. It wasn’t a secret how much Richard abused his influence over his son, and Eddie knew just how harmful that was to Steve. How he had spent his whole life trying to fit an impossible standard and make his father proud.

Richard wasn’t willing to accept anything less than perfect from Steve, and unfortunately, Steve was only human. It was a lost battle from the start, and Eddie had hated to watch Steve bend and break himself in the hopes of making his father happy.

But now, out of nowhere, Steve had finally done it. And Eddie knew that them getting pushed back together probably had something to do with it, but he could see it in Steve’s face, even now, how it had also been for himself.

There was a burst of pride in his chest and maybe Eddie was capable of expressing that without a single word because next thing he knew, Steve was moving to the side and offering some space next to him.

The right thing to do was to politely decline the offer and walk away. Eddie wasn’t sure he was ready to handle this right now, unsure of the mess of feelings inside of him, but he found himself sitting down, the right side of his body slightly pressed up against Steve’s body and a sound that could only be described as relief coming from him.

Maybe this was what a truce looked like.

x

When the nightmare hit again, Eddie wasn’t alone. Steve was right there with him, as he fell asleep with his head on Steve’s shoulder as if this was just something they did.

He woke up alarmed, with his heart feeling like it was about to burst out of his chest. But there were hands on him. A heavy one on his chest, making circling motions to calm him down and then another cupping his face so fucking softly.

Eddie had no idea how he was supposed to catch his breath with Steve looking at him like that.

“You ok?” Steve asked, voice lower just for Eddie. “Bad dream?”

Eddie let his eyes focus on Steve, trying to get rid of the image of dream Steve. That one was too worried about Chrissy, looking sharp on their wedding day, but this one… this one only had eyes for Eddie.

“I’m fine,” he said and felt disappointment flooding through him as Steve took his hands away. Eddie wanted to grab it and pull him closer again. He wanted Steve to comfort him like he’d done so many times.

“Is it bad again?” Steve asked, and Eddie knew what he meant. When things were really bad back then, Eddie woke up like that almost every night. On some nights, Steve was there to shush him back to sleep, but other nights, Eddie only had one big, empty bed.

“It’s fine,” Eddie murmured, moving so he wouldn’t be tempted to touch Steve.

Steve had been just worried about him, but that didn’t mean–

“We should go to bed,” Steve said, getting up and starting to gather the empty mugs from the table.

Great, now Eddie had spooked him with his dumb nightmare.

“Yeah, we should,” Eddie said under his breath, but stayed exactly where he was. If Steve wanted to go, he was more than welcome. At least that would give Eddie the peace and quiet he so desperately wanted.

He watched as Steve moved as quietly as possible through the bus, putting things away, and tidying up others that definitely didn’t need it. Almost as if he was nervous, but Eddie couldn’t quite understand why.

Steve took a long time organizing the movies, changing the pile order and murmuring to himself about an organization that didn’t make sense–and Eddie would bet that was Gareth’s doing. That man had a way to mess things up and pretend they were organized.

Eddie also wasn’t ashamed to admit he took a second to admire Steve. He hadn’t been able to look at him like this, so up close and with no need to pretend that he wasn’t looking. His clothes were nothing special, just something he had thrown on after the shower, probably, but Eddie would take him like that over his fancy clothes any day.

He was in a brand new white t-shirt and a pair of gray sweatpants that made it look like his ass had been sculpted. Eddie should probably feel ashamed of looking at his ex’s ass like that, but hey, Steve knew what he was doing walking around like this.

Steve also knew what Eddie was doing when he turned around in time to see him averting his gaze. Lucky for him, Steve did not seem mad about it.

“Shall we?” he said, so casually that Eddie got whiplash from it.

“I, uh, yeah, you can go ahead and I’ll–”

“I mean,” Steve interrupted him, putting his hands in the pocket of his pants. “Let’s go to, uh, my bed.”

The words hung heavy between them and Eddie felt lightheaded. Was he hallucinating or had Steve just asked him to go to bed with him?

“I-I know you have trouble sleeping,” Steve added quickly, probably getting alarmed by the spooked expression Eddie had on. “And I know sleeping next to someone helps and my bed is big, you don’t even have to… We don’t have to cuddle or anything. But we totally can if you… I’m going to shut up now.”

Eddie let out a quiet laugh. It was always weird seeing Steve like this when he was usually so good at pretending to be all confident and sure of himself. But this was who Steve really was. A dork who was bad at reading social cues sometimes, and who asked things from the top of his head without really thinking it through.

It was endearing and sweet, if Eddie was being honest.

“You sure?” he asked, even though an evil part of him wanted to make Steve suffer a little longer. “You don’t have to do that, man.”

Steve flinched at the last word, eyes falling to the floor.

“I want to,” Steve said, looking up and finding Eddie’s eyes again. He was serious now, even if his cheeks were still a little red. “I hate to see you like this.”

Eddie should fight this. That was the right thing to do, not only because sleeping in the same bed as Steve was a bad idea in general, because it would trick his own heart into reading too much into stuff, but also because Steve had someone else.

Someone small and blonde and who Eddie should hate but he still didn’t. Someone who probably wouldn’t like the idea of Steve sleeping in the same bed as his ex.

But God, Eddie had always wanted the things he couldn’t have and he had always wanted Steve, even if he knew he would never get to keep him. That’s why he found himself nodding, getting up and following Steve to the back of the bus, into his private room.

Chapter Text

Pittsburgh, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Steve’s room wasn’t big.

No, wait. Actually, Steve’s room was massive. But it was almost completely taken by the gigantic king-size bed he had. It was also all rounded with cabinets everywhere and Eddie had no doubts those were all filled up with Steve’s things.

Looking at this bed now, Eddie could understand how Steve had been able to sleep in here with both Robin and Chrissy at the same time. In fact, it was completely possible that the three of them had shared that bed without ever touching each other and that was just how big the bed was.

And Eddie couldn’t help but feel a little disappointed by that.

There wasn’t much room to move in the bedroom, so Steve climbed onto the bed, crawling on it until he could sit comfortably with his back on the headrest and Eddie had absolutely not watched his every move.

“C’mon,” Steve said, patting the space next to him. “I won’t bite.”

Maybe Eddie had died and gone to heaven because how the fuck had they gone from not speaking to this was beyond him. Not that Eddie expected anything to happen. Steve had a girlfriend, and he wasn’t in the mood to help him be a cheater.

“I… you sure this is a good idea?” Eddie asked, switching his weight from one foot to the other and trying not to look at Steve.

“Yes. The bed is more than big enough for the two of us,” Steve said, a little exasperated.

“Won’t Chrissy mind?” Eddie asked, before he lost his courage.

At first, Steve laughed, shaking his head, but as Eddie held his ground, Steve seemed to understand he was being serious.

“Why would Chrissy mind? She’s not here.”

That wasn’t a good enough answer.

“I mean. We used to…” God, why were words so hard right now? “And I’m not saying anything will happen. In fact, I know nothing will, but we’re exes and I know Chrissy must be chill if you’re here and she’s not, but I wouldn’t want to–”

“Eddie, what the fuck are you talking about?”

“I wouldn’t like it if my boyfriend was sleeping in the same bed as his ex, even if I knew for sure there wasn’t any chance of them ever getting back together!”

Now Eddie was the exasperated one. Was he really going to have to paint Steve a picture so he would understand what was wrong with this scene and… why on earth was Steve laughing?

“I’m sorry,” Steve said, trying and failing to catch his breath. “I’m sorry. Did you… You said boyfriend? You think Chrissy and I… Do you think we’re together?”

“Well, aren’t you?” Eddie asked, feeling a flare of annoyance inside of him.

“No!” Steve said, hands flailing around him in that cute way Eddie liked. “Jesus Christ, of course not. Do you really… Eddie!”

Now it was Eddie’s turn to laugh. He didn’t know if it was because Steve was cute when he was confused or if this was a nervous laughter, from the fact that he apparently had just made the most outrageous assumption that Steve and Chrissy were together and possibly made a fool of himself just now.

It wasn’t his fault that Steve kept fucking hugging Chrissy and kissing her cheek and making her laugh.

“Stop laughing. It’s not funny!” Steve said, and Eddie let himself fall on the bed, hugging his belly and burying his face in the mattress.

“It’s a little funny,” Eddie said once he had managed to catch his breath, and when he looked up Steve’s eyes were on him and he didn’t look very impressed.

“It’s not. I mean, I’m glad we fooled someone, but for Christ’s sake, of course I’m not dating Chrissy. She’s… lovely. I’m just not her type.”

Eddie propped his head in his hand, still trying to keep himself from laughing more. “You’re everybody’s type.”

Steve looked down, a faint blush spreading on his face. God. Was he really flirting with Steve less than five seconds after finding out he and Chrissy weren’t together? He was so pathetic.

“Not hers,” Steve said, and he looked so certain of it, Eddie wondered if he was just fooling himself. “Don’t look at me like that. I’m serious! She’s… Eddie, she’s a lesbian. And she’s also in love with Robin.”

Eddie had to stop at that. What the…

“Robin and Chrissy?” he asked, looking back at every interaction he had with them in the past months.

“Yup. They are inseparable. Have been ever since Robin got her head out of her ass and gathered enough courage to ask Chrissy out.” Steve said with a fond smile. “They are perfect for each other, honestly. I don’t know how it isn’t obvious to everyone.”

Now that Steve mentioned it, yeah, Eddie could kind of see it. Chrissy was all bubbly and happy and Robin was… well, Robin. They balanced each other out. Much like he and Steve did, once upon a time.

“And is that why… you all live together?”

“Obviously,” Steve said, rolling his eyes. “Robin moved in as soon as I got the house, said she didn’t trust me to be alone in that big house, and a week after she and Chrissy started dating she asked me if Chrissy could stay for a few months. That was almost four years ago.”

“Of course they are lesbians,” Eddie said and Steve snorted. “I… you know what? That actually tracks. Chrissy and Robin.”

“I know. That’s why I was surprised you…” Steve started to say but cut himself short and Eddie knew why.

Back then, everyone thought Steve and Chrissy were a thing and Steve had done everything he could to make sure it stayed that way. It wasn’t hard to understand why Eddie had assumed that all of that pretending had led to them developing real feelings for each other. It would be very hard to pretend to be in love with Steve and not fall in love with him.

Unless you were a lesbian, of course.

“Yeah. Sorry about the confusion, I just… So, you’re single?” Should Eddie be asking that question? Probably not. It felt loaded with more meaning than he intended to, but Steve answered it like this was just a casual conversation.

“Have been for the past seven years.”

That was… kind of surprising. Obviously, being single for seven years didn’t mean being fucking celibate. Eddie would know. But Steve was a relationship kind of guy. Even back then, Eddie always knew Steve was serious about their relationship. Even when he let his insecurities get the best of him.

He always imagined that the seven years they spent apart would be more than enough for Steve to find someone else. Marry and start a family. And when he saw him with Chrissy, that was exactly what he had assumed, especially with the knowledge that they lived together.

Steve cleared his throat, and Eddie blinked, focusing back on him. He had a soft smile on his face, as if he just knew exactly what Eddie was thinking about now.

“Any more pressing questions you need me to answer?” Steve asked and Eddie knew he was joking, but he scoured his mind for any other misunderstandings anyway.

He had started this tour thinking Steve was barely going to talk to him. Halfway through, Steve had let Eddie get closer than he’d ever dreamed of and even now that he knew Steve was just being nice, he couldn’t help but wonder if Steve was trying to tell him something, with Nancy’s piece and singing their song during his set and now this, inviting Eddie to his bed like they could ever be casual about each other.

“Not right now. But I’ll make sure to let you know if I have any in the future,” Eddie said, making his tone more pompous so it would come off as a joke.

But Steve could always see right through him. He smiled, nodded, and patted the space next to him again.

“Good. Let’s go to sleep now, otherwise you’ll be grumpy tomorrow.”

Eddie pretended to be offended at that, letting out a groan, but Steve just smiled and stretched out his hand. He had no idea what to do, so he let Steve take the lead.

Steve grabbed his hand and pulled him close until Eddie had no other choice but to fit himself against his chest. Steve’s arm went around him as the two of them adjusted themselves on the bed, lying down. Eddie had his back against Steve’s front, his arm around his waist, and his mouth dangerously close to his neck.

Whatever conversation about them not needing to cuddle or anything was forgotten a long time ago, and Eddie couldn’t care less.

He sighed, feeling every ounce of tension leaving his body as Steve’s breath hit his skin, making his insides melt.

This wasn’t how he had imagined his night ending, and there was a part of him that thought he was still in his own bed, dreaming about this, but he decided he would let himself enjoy having Steve close again. He could worry about everything else in the morning.

x

San Francisco, 1989

(Eddie is 23, Steve is 22)

“Go away,” Eddie slurred as he looked at Steve walking towards him. His fancy clothes were a weird contrast to the shitty parking lot they were in, and Eddie happened to know that the bar he had just been kicked out from wasn’t that much different.

Steve stopped in front of him, crossing his arms and frowning at Eddie. “Keep your attitude to yourself.”

Eddie hadn’t really been kicked out of the bar. He had been asked to leave, very politely. The bartender had even asked if Eddie had someone to call to pick him up because they both knew he was in no state to get a taxi by himself.

He could see in the bartender’s face that he thought Eddie was going to ignore him or make a scene out of it, but instead he just scribbled a number in a napkin and slid towards him with the name Robin underlined.

Eddie hadn’t done anything wrong other than drink more than it was socially acceptable for a Thursday night, but he knew what was up. Knew by the looks he was getting and how the whispering around him was getting gradually louder as people noticed him, who he was and the state he was in.

He couldn’t care less if people saw him drunk–and a little high–but Richard Harrington had a reputation of fucking up places if the paparazzi showed up and started taking pictures and no one wanted beef with him.

So Eddie was invited to leave and he gave them Robin’s number because he didn’t want to bother anyone else and he definitely didn’t want to see Steve and yet, here he was, in all his polo-shirt and resting bitch face glory, watching Eddie as if he was so much better than him.

“I’m gonna get a taxi,” Eddie said, pushing himself from the wall he had been using to keep upright and patting his hands in his jeans as he tried to find his balance. He wasn’t that drunk, but he didn’t want Steve to notice anything about him right now.

Steve who was standing in front of him like a fucking wall.

“Sorry to waste your time, Harrington,” Eddie said, moving to walk past Steve, hoping he would keep to his usual behavior and not follow Eddie.

But of course Steve would choose today out of all days to pretend he cared, wrapping his hand around Eddie’s wrist to prevent him from walking away. What a fucking joke.

“Eddie, just stop,” Steve said, his voice letting on more than he probably wanted to. Eddie could hear the desperate plea behind his words, which made him falter for a second, even as his fingers seemed to burn his skin.

He had every intention of ignoring Steve and getting into a taxi. He didn’t care that Steve had crossed the city to find him, there was a reason he had called for Robin and not Steve, and he should learn how to take a fucking hint. But it was hard to remember why he was so mad in the first place when Steve touched him, and Eddie felt all the fight leaving his body with this crumb of a touch.

“Please,” Steve said and he sounded so fucking sad. Eddie wanted to scream and say he was the only one who had the right to be sad right now because Steve was responsible for all the shit that was happening in their lives, but he found his voice was missing when Steve stood this close. When Steve begged like this. “Let’s just talk for a second.”

Then Steve made his biggest mistake of the night and he let go of Eddie’s arm. No doubt he wanted him to feel like he had a choice and that he wasn’t trapped, but that just reminded Eddie of his anger. Of how he had made his way to this shitty bar in the middle of the week because he couldn’t stand being sober and watching Steve parading his alleged girlfriend everywhere.

It made Eddie’s stomach churn, resentment bubbling up inside of him.

“I don’t wanna talk,” Eddie said, moving his body so he could look at Steve properly, a challenge shining in his eyes. “Fuck talking.”

Steve flinched at the harshness of his words and there was a battle inside of Eddie, wanting to both fight and console him at the same time.

“Can you not be difficult? We’re both tired and we could use a good night of sleep,” Steve said, doing his best to hide the shakiness in his voice. Steve wasn’t a fan of Eddie when he was drunk and high and even if he did his best to hide, Steve always knew, somehow.

Eddie wanted to tell him Steve was the one who followed him into the night. Eddie was minding his own business, drinking and trying to forget for a second why he wanted to drink so bad, and Steve had left the comfort of his hotel room to come hunt Eddie down out of his own free will.

This wasn’t the first time Steve had come to look for Eddie in a bar after a show and Eddie had to ignore the voice in the back of his head that kept asking him how many times would be too many.

“You don’t want me to be difficult? Fine. I’ll keep it simple for you,” Eddie said, his voice going up a notch. “If you want to talk, you can honestly fuck off. I didn’t have anything to say to you before, and I sure as hell don’t now.”

Steve sighed, defeated, but Eddie wasn’t done.

“But if you don’t want to talk,” Eddie started, moving towards Steve and crowding him until he was walking backwards, his back hitting the wall and essentially locking him in. “I can think of other things we can do, since you were so sweet to come find me.”

Eddie’s voice was dripping with sarcasm, but he happened to know Steve fucking lived for that kind of thing. After they began dating, Steve let his guard down and showed Eddie all of his softer sides, but deep down, he loved a challenge and he loved when someone gave one to him.

Especially when Eddie did.

“Eddie…” Steve said, but Eddie could hear he had won. Even in the dark, Eddie could see Steve’s pupils dilating as he moved even closer, one of his hands snaking up to hold Steve’s waist possessively. Just how he knew liked it.

“Say you prefer talking, Stevie,” Eddie purred, fingers digging into the flesh of Steve’s hips. He watched, delighted, as Steve swallowed thickly, his Adam’s apple going up and down as he no doubt held back a moan.

Fuck, he missed him.

“I…” Steve started to say, but his voice failed him when Eddie pressed even closer, his own half-hard erection pressing against Steve’s.

He had no idea what sort of freak that made him, but apparently cornering his boyfriend who he should be mad at in a wall would turn him on faster than most porns.

“Say it, sweetheart. Wanna talk? Talk.”

Eddie was being mean, but from the way Steve was looking at him, it was working. He was also feeling brave so he moved his hand until he was pressing the heel of his palm on Steve’s dick. The moan he let out was fucking delicious and made Eddie want to eat him whole.

“You’re so easy,” Eddie said, licking his lips and increasing the pressure. Steve closed his eyes, biting his lips to prevent another moan from escaping. “I have better plans for that mouth of yours, Stevie.”

Eddie felt the moment Steve’s knees buckled. He was completely hard now, his brain swimming in alcohol and horniness.

“If we weren’t us I would push you down to your knees right here and I would make you choke on my dick until you forgot what words were,” Eddie said, slowly enough that he could watch the words registering in Steve’s brain.

That was what happened when they stayed away from each other for too long. Every single touch felt like heaven, and Steve craved it just as much as he did. Eddie was just taking advantage of it because he knew talking wouldn’t take them anywhere right now. He was still too upset and Steve was still wrapped up in the bullshit story his father had fabricated for him so really, they would just be going in circles here.

That didn’t mean they couldn’t fuck about it.

“But don’t worry, sweetheart, I’m gonna take good care of you,” Eddie said, squeezing his dick one more time and watching as his eyes rolled to the back of his head. Steve was so on edge that it would be easy for Eddie to make him cum right here. “Do you see anyone?”

He only had eyes for Steve and watched as he peeled his gaze to focus on the empty parking lot behind Eddie. It was the middle of the night on a Thursday, not even the bar was packed and Eddie knew there was a good chance they were alone out here. The bar was shitty enough that they probably didn’t have security cameras in the back exit so he was going to take his chances.

“Steve,” Eddie said, getting his attention back. “I’m gonna get you off right here, ok? And then, I’m gonna take you home and I’m gonna fuck your brains out. What do you say?”

Steve’s answer came in the form of a beautiful moan that made Eddie’s dick throb. But he needed more than that.

“Use your words now, sweetheart. I need them,” Eddie said and offered a smile. He was being mean because he knew Steve liked it, but if Steve wasn’t into this like he was, then Eddie preferred to just go home and jerk off by himself.

“I want it, Eddie,” Steve said, eyes closing as he pushed his hips forward, searching for friction. There was his good boy. “I’m sorry.”

“Shh,” Eddie said, taking his hand off of Steve’s dick so he could push his hair back. “No apologies needed right now. I just want to watch you fall apart.”

Steve nodded and fuck, he looked so sad right now. Eddie leaned in so he could brush their lips together and he felt Steve sighing in relief.

“Be good for me, baby. Be good and let me do this, and we can talk tomorrow, ok?” Oh, Eddie was weak. Steve whimpered against him, moving his head so he could capture Eddie’s lips in a filthy kiss. This definitely shouldn’t be doing it for him but there was no denying how turned on he was right now.

Eddie moved his hand so he could undo Steve’s jeans, leaning his body a little to the side so he had enough room to actually put his hand inside his boxers. Steve let out a long, relieved sigh and Eddie couldn’t tell if that was because he wanted to cum so bad or because of how much he wanted Eddie.

Maybe a little bit of both.

Steve’s cock was leaking pre-cum and Eddie slid his thumb on the slit, pressing their mouths together so he could swallow every single one of the pretty noises Steve was making.

He was so goddamn perfect that Eddie was blown away by him. He let his hand slide up and down, slowly as he pressed his own erection to the side of Steve’s hips, finding the perfect amount of pressure. Steve moved his hands to Eddie’s t-shirt, fisting at the fabric as Eddie took him apart in the middle of the parking lot.

If anyone drove close enough, they would be able to clearly see what they were doing. But Eddie was too busy lost in Steve to really care, loving every single sound he made because of him. Steve nipped at Eddie’s bottom lip and Eddie smiled against his mouth, increasing his pace.

He wanted Steve to be a mess after he was done, unable to utter a single word. And then he was going to do it all over again once they were home, opening him up slowly, enjoying the sounds he would make because of how oversensitive he would be.

Steve was this precious little thing that Eddie got to hold in his hands and maybe he came with a lot of baggage and a lot of problems, but when they were like this, lost in each other and wrapped in their own world, Eddie remembered why it was worth it.

No one could make him feel the way Steve did, like he was invincible and important.

Eddie sensed Steve’s body getting tense and he knew he was close. He deepened the kiss, licking the inside of his mouth and twisting his hand the way he knew Steve liked and then it was over, Steve was coming all over Eddie’s hand, hot cum making a mess of it all.

When Eddie finally broke the kiss, Steve’s lips were red and swollen and once again he imagined how he would look on his knees right here, choking on Eddie’s dick. He knew they were pushing their luck as it was, so he pecked Steve’s lips and took a step back, finding his own legs a little wobbly.

His dick was still hard and trapped in his jeans, and Eddie grabbed the bandana he had in his back pocket to clean his mess, first on his own hand and then, carefully, on Steve.

Steve still had his eyes closed, a fucked out smile on his face and Eddie couldn’t resist leaning in to kiss him again. When Steve opened his eyes, Eddie could still see a little sadness, but there was also hope.

He felt it, too. Hope that they would find a way around this, as hard as it was.

“C’mon, baby, let’s go home,” Eddie said, reaching out his hand so Steve could take it. And either Steve was still in his post orgasm haze or he just didn’t care as much anymore, but he took it and let Eddie lead the way to the street where they could get a cab.

Eddie was going to take him back to the hotel and make sweet, filthy love to him in that insanely big bed. And then tomorrow they would work on fixing things because Eddie would be crazy to let someone like Steve walk away.

x

Cleveland, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Falling back in place with Steve was easier than it had any right to be.

Eddie knew him, every single response of his body, every single curve, the way his hands fit Steve’s waist perfectly and how they could sleep tangled together without waking the other in the middle of the night.

But once the morning came, and it was time for them to drive to Cleveland, everything felt too real.

They still hadn’t really talked about Nancy’s piece or about Steve singing their song on stage during the last show, but Eddie didn’t know if he could find the words right now and it seemed like Steve couldn’t either, so maybe going with the flow was a better idea for the moment.

Eddie had walked out of Steve’s room to find Gareth in front of his bunk bed, as if he was debating waking him up or not. Gareth looked at him, his brows almost disappearing under his hairline once Steve stepped outside, no shirt on because obviously Steve had to be like that.

He could inform Gareth nothing had happened, and they had actually just cuddled with their clothes on, but then again, his best friend’s expression was so funny that Eddie just let him assume whatever.

“I’ll get some coffee going. I think we’re going to need it,” Eddie said and felt Steve pushing his shoulder as he laughed.

“Morning Gareth,” Steve said, and he winked at Eddie before disappearing inside the bathroom. The bastard knew exactly what he was doing, but at least Eddie was in on it this time.

For the rest of the ride to Cleveland, Gareth kept staring at them as if they were a puzzle he was trying to solve. Eddie thought it was endearing and he wasn’t opposed to confusing his best friend a little more, so he made sure to stay close to Steve whenever he had the chance.

It was like they had broken some unspoken agreement last night, and now Steve was a magnet; he just kept pulling Eddie in, and Eddie had no choice but to comply.

He could also see Gareth holding himself back, wanting to make a comment every time he saw something between Steve and Eddie, but then he would change his mind and just mind his own business.

Eddie was having a blast.

He was also feeling particularly brave. They might not have talked about it yet, but they had cuddled and even if Steve insisted it didn’t have to mean anything, there was too much history between them for that and Eddie had always loved poking at the limits to see when they would break.

So when Steve threw himself on the couch to read while they were still on their way to Cleveland, Eddie hovered close by until he had enough courage to sit close to him. Steve looked up from his book and smiled at Eddie, opening his legs slightly in a silent invitation. Eddie complied, of course, and moved so he could fit his body in between Steve’s legs, head resting on his belly while Steve kept reading as if this was just another normal day.

Funnily enough, Eddie felt like this was their most normal since the tour had started.

x

Las Vegas, 1989

(Eddie is 23, Steve is 22)

“Can you please keep your hands to yourselves for five minutes?” Gareth said, exasperated as he walked into the dressing room.

“Can you please knock before walking in?” Eddie said, fake annoyance in his voice. Him and Steve were tangled in each other in one of the couches of the dressing room and really, what did Gareth expect?

After they talked in San Francisco a few weeks ago, their respective tours had taken them in different directions and this was the first time they were seeing each other in almost twenty days. They were lucky that their Las Vegas dates were in sync and they could spend the weekend together, lounging in one of the hotels.

Gareth, on the other hand, was clearly not happy about it.

“Eddie, we’re supposed to be rehearsing for the show! This is Vegas! We need to really bring our best to this one,” Gareth said, ignoring Eddie’s request and crossing his arms. “I’m sure Steve could use some time to himself, too.”

Eddie looked down at Steve, he had a soft smile on his face and quietly tightened his grip on Eddie’s waist as if saying he couldn’t go anywhere, at least for a little while longer.

“Give us ten more minutes, Gare-bear,” Eddie said, and Steve hummed in agreement, leaning over to kiss his cheek.

Gareth groaned and rolled his eyes, “Fine. Ten more minutes and then we’re rehearsing. You freaks will have the entire night to yourselves, so please, let’s just get this rehearsal done so I don’t have to keep watching you two be gross.”

He didn’t wait for a response, turning around and leaving before either of them could say anything. Steve laughed and pulled Eddie close again.

“He’s so dramatic. I see now why the two of you get along so well,” Steve teased and Eddie swatted at his chest, pretending that he wanted to get away.

“I should go rehearse now!”

“No, baby! We’ve earned ten minutes, let’s make sure they count,” Steve said, wiggling his eyebrows and getting a groan out of Eddie.

“You’re such a dork, Jesus Christ,” Eddie said, but he let his body fall on top of Steve’s again, nesting his face on the crook of his neck, one of his favorite places of all time.

“You nervous about the show?” Steve asked, one of his hands going to Eddie’s head to scratch at his scalp. God, Eddie just wished every tour day could be like this, just him and Steve enjoying each other before work, and sleeping together after.

Eddie hated to be away from him so much.

“Not really. You’re my good luck charm and you’re here, so I know we’ll be fine,” Eddie said and Steve snorted, shaking his head the best he could with Eddie on top of him.

“You’ll be fine because you’re hard workers and crazy talented,” Steve said, ignoring Eddie’s silliness.

“And because I’ll get a good luck kiss before going on stage,” Eddie said and Steve groaned, knowing this was a lost cause.

“Just 'cause you’re hot,” Steve said right as Eddie dug his fingers in Steve’s waist. He tried getting out of Eddie’s grip to no avail, even if he was clearly stronger. “Stop!”

“Never,” Eddie said, and used that moment of distraction to dig his teeth into the soft meat of Steve’s neck. Steve let out a yelp, but Eddie held him in place, biting hard enough to leave a mark.

“Fucking hell, Eddie,” Steve let out a sigh, hands pulling Eddie close again. “Agnes will be so pissed at you for this.”

Agnes was Steve’s make-up artist and yeah, she and Eddie weren’t the best of friends because he kept leaving marks all over Steve that she had to cover, depending on how naked his outfit for the day was. For Eddie, it was a little game of theirs.

“It’ll be worth it,” he said, kissing at the red angry mark he had just left. “If only so people know you belong to me.”

Steve chuckled, his laugh reverberating all through Eddie, and for those ten minutes, Eddie felt at peace again, knowing that no matter what happened outside of their little bubble, Eddie would face it, if it meant he got to keep Steve.

x

Nashville, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Eddie expected his chest to feel tight and weird when he saw Chrissy next, but he was surprised to find he sort of missed her.

It was funny seeing her again now that he knew the truth about her and Steve because it was like he was seeing her for the first time in his entire life.

Chrissy had always been this bubbly, happy persona, and Eddie enjoyed having her around even if he had spent so much time being jealous of her. In the end, he reckoned it was more than just what she and Steve pretended to be, but also the fact that if she wanted, she could have a public relationship with Steve and no one would bat an eye at that.

He tried not to resent her for that, since it wasn’t her fault and for the most part she was trying to help Steve –and consequently help Eddie, too– but he wasn’t that evolved.

But things were different now, and Chrissy walked up to him with open arms and he let her embrace her in a hug. A tight one, for what it’s worth. That girl was probably stronger than he was.

If Chrissy was excited to see him, Robin wasn’t as happy. Well, obviously she had to look at Eddie’s face every day since the tour started, but if Eddie were to guess, she was more on Gareth’s side of the story, unsure of how she felt about Steve and Eddie falling back into whatever the fuck that was.

But Robin did light up the second Chrissy walked in the bus, her face breaking into a smile as her girlfriend’s eyes found hers. Eddie had to look away because he felt like he was invading a personal moment between the two of them.

When he did, his eyes looked for Steve just to see that he was already looking at him and that made his heart swoop in his chest, a warm feeling spreading all over him.

Steve hadn’t really asked Eddie if he could invite Chrissy on tour for a few days, but he told him he was planning to and watched carefully for Eddie’s reaction, making him feel just a little special. As if Eddie showed he was the tiniest bit uncomfortable, Steve would change his mind and not have her come.

Eddie was happy that she was here, if only 'cause it meant Robin was too busy to bitch at him, but also because Steve seemed to bloom next to them. It was different seeing them from this new perspective where he wasn’t blinded by jealousy because it became clear how much Steve needed them and how happy they made him, in a completely platonic way.

It loosened something in Eddie’s chest and alleviated a weight he didn’t even know he had been carrying, one specific fear in the back of his mind that Steve had spent the last years completely alone and miserable. Looking at the three of them bantering with one another, it was clear that Steve had the best company ever. He had been surrounded by family and that didn’t include Dick Harrington.

“What’s the schedule for today?” Chrissy asked, clapping her hands and all excited. Robin laughed, shaking her head.

“We have a day off today and then a gig tomorrow,” Steve supplied, looking at Robin for confirmation. She nodded in agreement.

“Then we’re making cookies today!” Chrissy announced just as Jeff walked in from his morning run. He raised a brow, looking at Eddie for some sort of explanation.

Neither him nor Gareth really understood what was happening between Eddie and Steve. They hadn’t really asked and Eddie didn’t feel like trying to explain something that he didn’t understand himself, but the good thing about his best friends was that they adapted easily, shrugging and moving on. When Eddie felt ready to share, he would, and they would happily hear.

In the end, they spent the entire day on the bus, the six of them, talking and baking different batches of cookies and sharing road stories and just enjoying themselves. It got Eddie thinking of how life on the road could also be fun, if you had the right company and how these people right here might be just what he needed, after all.

He had spent so long pushing everyone away because he thought that was what they wanted, that his brain had sort of forgotten what it felt like to be at ease with people you liked and trusted. He also realized how much harder it had been to be away. Being here, letting these people talk to him and laugh with him, that was so fucking easy.

He also didn’t miss the way Chrissy and Robin seem to orbit around each other, hands brushing when they thought no one was looking, a shared secret smile here and there. It was endearing and Eddie wondered how the fuck had he missed that for so long.

And then there was Steve.

He stayed the entire day in sweats, hair messier than usual dueof him constantly running his hands through it and eyes soft as he watched everyone around him. It made Eddie miss him in a molecular way, one that kept creating scenarios in his head of what their life could’ve been like if Eddie hadn’t made a mess of things.

But the really dangerous thing was how Steve looked at him sometimes, when everyone was busy with other things. His soft brown eyes seemed filled with too many feelings that Eddie didn’t know exactly how to name, and once they were tired of baking, Eddie found a place next to him, feeling Steve stretching his hand and placing it on his thigh as if this was their normal.

As if, maybe, they could still have a life together. One that was filled with friends’ laughter and fresh-baked cookies and late night writing sessions.

x

Atlanta, 1989

(Eddie is 23, Steve is 22)

“Let me go!” Eddie said, in a hushed tone as Steve held him by the waist, unwilling to let go. Worst of it was that Steve was laughing and it looked like he didn’t even need to try that hard to keep Eddie in place.

“Never!”

“Sweetheart, c’mon! Gareth will be pissed if I’m not on that stage in the next 5 minutes,” Eddie pointed and he could almost hear Steve rolling his eyes, a small groan falling from his lips, and making Eddie want to give up on his upcoming show just so he could keep hearing all kinds of Steve’s noises.

“I can take him,” Steve said, confident, and Eddie laughed. Well, obviously Steve could take Gareth, that wasn’t even in question. Steve was built like a refrigerator and Gareth could easily star as Frodo in a Lord of the Rings movie adaptation, but when Gareth was mad… that was dangerous.

“I know you can. But I would very much like it if you could leave my best friend in one piece. And also, I’m pretty sure your dad will skin me alive if I don’t make it to the stage tonight.”

Steve let out a long, dramatic sigh and dropped his arms low enough that he could hook his fingers on Eddie’s back belt loop. He pulled him in closer, hips swaying in a way that would get Eddie hard in seconds.

“Jesus fucking christ,” Eddie said under his breath and Steve laughed. “When did you became such a fucking tease?”

Steve smiled angelically at him, “I don’t know what you’re talking about.”

Next thing Eddie knew, Steve’s soft, plush lips were pressed against his in a kiss that took his breath away completely. Steve was such a menace, and that made Eddie at least a little grateful that their tours only had some overlapping dates, otherwise he knew for a fact they wouldn’t get anything done.

“I have to go,” Eddie said again and he did something he definitely didn’t want to do, pushing Steve back so he could have a chance at collecting his thoughts. “But I’ll see you after, yeah?”

Steve smiled and dropped his arms, letting go of Eddie. He would be lying if he said he didn’t miss him immediately, but he knew it was for the best.

“Of course, baby. I’ll meet you at the end of the stairs outside the stage the second your set is done.”

Eddie nodded and leaned in for just one more kiss. A chaste one this time.

“You got yourself a deal, Harrington. See you in a bit.”

x

The thing about playing when he knew Steve was watching was that it made Eddie feel energized. He gave a thousand percent more of himself, just because he knew that once he was done, Steve would be there to take him to bed and kiss him and cuddle with him.

And tonight would be no different, given they had an entire hotel room for themselves, which meant Steve could be as loud as he wanted as Eddie took him apart and no one would complain about it. He would be able to do all kinds of filthy things to him until the sun was up and they could order room service and just enjoy each other’s company.

It had everything for it to be a perfect night.

They were in the middle of their set and it was time for Gareth’s drum solo, which was always a fan favorite. The girls screamed like there was no tomorrow while Gareth switched his sticks and played his drum with a goofy smile on his face as if that didn’t take any effort whatsoever.

Eddie knew for a fact that Gareth spent way too long practicing that, just so he would look so effortless doing it on stage and he commended his best friend on that.

He walked to the right side of the stage, moving until he was close to the front, the place where friends and family usually were during their shows. He knew he was cheating because Steve had said he would meet him after, but he just wanted an extra taste of him, so he could finish the show with full energy.

That was a mistake, obviously.

Right as he approached, he saw two people in there, bodies pressed together as they posed for a photographer. Eddie felt his blood boiling, hoping that people were still too enrapt by Gareth to even notice him on the corner, losing his shit.

When the fuck had Chrissy gotten here and why was Eddie not informed of that?

Steve had his arm around her tiny waist and she was throwing her head back, laughing at something he had said. The flashes were going out like crazy and Eddie felt his stomach twisting with jealousy. Couldn’t he get away from that in his own show?

Right as the photographer thanked them and they were about to turn back around, Gareth played his last note and the entire stage went dark just in time to hide Eddie’s hurt expression.

When the lights went back on, Eddie couldn’t see the two of them anymore, blinded by the spotlights illuminating everything and he had no idea if that was a blessing or a curse, given how his mind was making a special effort to create the worst scenarios possible.

Steve and Chrissy holding hands while watching Eddie, them sharing a kiss 'cause the photographer said it would be a good photo.

He tried to keep it out of his mind, and maybe if people weren’t paying too close attention they wouldn’t even know something was wrong, but Eddie knew his performance fell flat compared to the first half of the show and he kept walking around, so distracted that he missed his cue on their last song.

He mouthed 'sorry' to his bandmates and was met with confused looks because even they knew how much better Steve usually made him. They just had no clue what happened when Steve started to parade his fake-girlfriend on his show.

When their last song was done, the crowd erupted in applause and Eddie knew he had a short window of time, so he bowed quickly, leaving Gareth and Jeff to thank the audience as he quietly slipped out of the stage from the crew’s side entrance.

Steve would probably be waiting for him on the back stairs, like he always did, and Eddie didn’t want to risk having to face him and Chrissy. He could already hear Steve’s bullshit excuse about why she was here and how he had completely forgotten to tell Eddie that she was coming and how he would need to keep her entertained and Eddie was probably tired so he could go to bed and Steve would join him later.

Eddie could see it already, how she was stealing Steve from him. How she kept taking and taking even though it wasn’t hers to take, and how Steve would just let her 'cause he was a coward. And honestly, he wasn’t in the mood for that tonight.

He grabbed a towel and a bottle of water and he just hoped he didn’t look too crazy before walking towards the venue exit and not looking back.

x

The pathetic side of Eddie kept hoping Steve would walk through the door, but he never did.

One beer became two, then three, and he stopped counting once the first shot glass made its way into his hand.

He should have been thinking about the amazing fucking show he had just delivered, but instead, his mind kept taking him back to the way Steve held onto Chrissy, his arm wrapped around her waist like it had any right to be there and right in front of Eddie.

When he was tired of replaying that awful scene in his mind, Eddie just turned off his brain, letting the booze do the rest. The music in the bar wasn’t great, but anything that could muffle his own thoughts was good right now. Anything and anyone, even.

He didn’t mean to pay attention to other people. That was probably the thing farthest away from his mind right now. But this guy kept walking around, populating his peripheral vision, and he was nice to look at, so Eddie did.

Soon enough it became clear that he was one of the bartenders, and Eddie gave up on pretending he wasn’t watching him, letting his eyes follow him through the bar as he cleaned up tables and refilled customers and made small talk.

Once Eddie caught a glimpse of his laugh it was all over, he was obsessed. The guy looked so easygoing, walking and making others laugh and laughing himself, that Eddie couldn’t look away. It made him think what his life would be like if he could be like that.

If he didn’t have a fucking national tour to get back to.

Eddie wouldn’t say he constantly thought of it, but it was funny watching other people, seeing what a regular, boring life looked like. And it was hard to ignore the deep ache he felt whenever he did it. Like this was something Eddie would never be entitled to, no matter what happened now. He had sealed his fate all those years ago, when he signed up with H&H.

Or maybe he’d done that when he picked up his first guitar when he was 8.

“Seeing something you like?” The guy said, leaning on the counter, elbow almost brushing Eddie’s arm. Eddie had to blink awake, eyes focusing back on his face. “You’re staring.”

Eddie felt his cheeks growing hot, and he looked away, embarrassed to have been caught.

“Sorry, that’s not… Sorry.”

The guy laughed and up close it sounded even better. A little rough on the edges, like he had a million secrets Eddie would never find out about.

“That’s ok. I could never be mad at a cute guy staring at me,” he said and then offered his hand. “I’m Luke.”

Eddie shook his hand, a tight smile on his lip.

“Aren’t you going to tell me your name?” Luke asked, an amused expression on his face.

“That’s not important,” Eddie said. Luke didn’t seem to have recognized him, and Eddie would prefer to keep things that way.

“Well, ok Mr. Not Important,” he said, biting his lip before carrying on his cleaning. “Never seen you around.”

“It’s my first time. Probably the last one, too,” Eddie said, sipping on his beer. Luke looked at him with a curious look, but probably decided Eddie could keep his cryptic shit to himself.

“Well, I’m sad to hear that. I’d enjoy seeing more of you.”

Eddie was for sure drunk, but he wasn’t too drunk to recognize when someone was flirting with him. And at the same time that it made his heart jump inside of his chest, it also filled him with dread. He wasn’t here because he wanted to find someone else, he just wanted to drown his sorrows and go home drunk enough to just pass out on the bed without having to think about anything.

“Sorry,” Eddie said, resting his face in his hand and looking at Luke as he moved a little further down the counter. “I’m… taken.”

Was he? Maybe not. Steve had gone home with someone else and he couldn’t blame Eddie for wanting to get even, right? It was the least he could do.

But Luke just smiled at him, nodding his head. “Of course you are.”

“I’m serious!” Eddie said, worried that he had offended him, but the guy just laughed and waved his hand.

“Didn’t really think someone like you would want to flirt with the bartender anyway,” Luke said, still using a light tone. He walked around and stopped in front of Eddie. “Maybe it’s time for some water.”

Eddie nodded. “Sorry if I was acting like a creep staring at you,” he said, sipping on his fresh glass of water.

Luke just shrugged, winking and said “I tend to like the creepy ones.”

It was a joke, of course. A bad one, but still, it made Eddie laugh and Luke looked like he was very proud of himself. Maybe that was what Eddie needed, a silly conversation with a person he wouldn’t ever see again, if only so he would stop feeling so shitty.

Chapter Text

New York City, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Life with Steve back in it was pretty amazing.

Eddie wished he wasn’t falling right back into it so easily because he knew the potential of everything falling apart again was high, but it was impossible to fight it.

Steve was touching him again, casually and out of his own free will.

At first he was doing it only when the two of them were alone, but it quickly evolved to him touching Eddie whatever chance he got, even if other people were around. Robin had spared them a judgmental look when she first noticed it, but she quickly moved on. The boys were also a little confused, but everyone seemed to have just accepted that now Eddie and Steve touched.

Maybe it was pathetic of Eddie to feel so much from small touches, and maybe he was reading too much into it, but he couldn’t contain the way his heart sped up every time Steve’s hand made its way into his body.

There was nothing sexual about the touches, either. It was a hand on the small of his back or Steve tucking Eddie’s hair behind his ear whenever he was too focused to do it himself. But it was also him always making space for Eddie to sit next to him and everyone else just accepted it, making sure to not take that space.

Today hadn’t been different. They were all together in CC’s dressing room right after the first of three shows they were doing in NYC. When they got off the stage, Steve was already there, sitting on the couch, fresh out of the shower and doing some crosswords.

Eddie felt his entire body tingling from the view and it only got worse when Steve looked up and smiled at him. It was the most beautiful smile in the world. He moved without even thinking straight, throwing his body on the couch right next to Steve’s, closer than he needed to be, but Steve didn’t complain.

“Hey,” Eddie said, still a little out of breath from having been singing and jumping and playing guitar for the past two hours.

Steve looked at him, folding the magazine he was holding, head tilted to the side, way too close for comfort. Eddie inhaled him in, not an ounce of shame in his body, and smiled back. Steve smelled like vanilla and something a little more spicy, and Eddie wanted to bury his face in his neck and live there forever.

Oh, he needed to get a fucking grip.

“Hey, good show,” Steve said, his hand slipping softly into Eddie’s left thigh, squeezing it and then not letting it go. “Watched a little bit. You looked good out there.”

Eddie felt warmth creeping up his neck and face, but he didn’t look away, still trapped in Steve’s hazel eyes.

“Yeah, it was alright,” Eddie said and tried to look away but Steve’s fingers caught his chin, holding him in place.

“I’m trying to compliment you. You can just say thank you and yeah, Steve, you’re so smart.”

“First of all, I do not sound like that,” Eddie complained, and Steve chuckled in response. “Second of all, fine, praise me if you must.”

Steve’s face changed quickly, a half smile taking place as his voice dropped a little lower than it was before. “Oh, I know just how you liked to be praised.”

Now Steve was messing with him. No other explanation on why he was mentioning Eddie’s very real praise kink and how that had almost gotten them in trouble a couple hundred times.

“Steve, shh,” he said, hands flying to cover his mouth as he looked around. Everyone seemed too concerned with their own conversations to notice what was happening between them. “Glad to see some things never change and you’re still a menace.”

Eddie let his hands fall from Steve’s face and Steve did the same, but they were still too close, closer than before, looking into each other’s eyes as if nothing else really mattered.

“We should get out of here,” Steve said, voice barely louder than a whisper. Eddie raised a brow at him. “Just the two of us, enjoy some alone time.”

Now, that had more than one meaning and Eddie was well aware of it, but was Steve?

“You mean…”

“You and me. A fancy restaurant where we can order appetizers and mocktails and talk the rest of the night? How does that sound?”

Fuck. That sounded a whole fucking lot like a date.

“Uh, you sure? We can take Chrissy an-and Robin, or I can ask Gareth,” Eddie said, trying to offer Steve some options to see if he really was trying to say what Eddie thought he was.

“I’m sure. I would very much like to spend my night stuffing my face with greasy food and talking to you and not having to share,” Steve said, squeezing Eddie’s thigh again as if to make his point. “I mean, I’m fine sharing my food. I don’t want to share you.”

Eddie’s brain must’ve been playing tricks on him because there was no fucking way Steve had just said he didn’t want to share him.

“I…”

“It’s fine if you prefer to stay in. We can go back to my room and cuddle.”

Eddie stayed put for a long second, watching Steve’s face for any sign that he was messing with him. But Steve must’ve felt Eddie was trying to get a sense of something because he just stood there, looking at Eddie with those big hazel eyes he loved so much.

“I’m serious,” Steve said again with another squeeze at his leg. Eddie looked down and let his hand hover above Steve’s for a second before placing it on top. “Let’s go. Just you and me.”

“Just you and me,” Eddie said before carefully nodding, still afraid that Steve would tell him it was just a joke.

But Steve didn’t. He smiled brightly at Eddie and got up, offering his hand.

“Go shower. I’m gonna find us a car and a place to go.”

Eddie nodded, still unsure, but Steve ushered him to the bathroom, winking before he was retreating to go find them a car.

x

Miami, 1989

(Eddie is 22, Steve is 21)

It was past 3am when there was a knock on the door.

Eddie considered ignoring it because he wasn’t in the mood for company and was just grateful that they got hotel rooms for the night so he could wallow in peace, but the knock was insistent and he had a feeling he knew who would be waiting for him on the other side of the door.

There was no surprise when he opened it to find Steve Harrington standing there.

“Harrington,” Eddie said, walking back into his room and leaving the door open because he knew there was no use fighting it.

Last they saw each other was in passing, when Corroded Coffin’s bus was leaving Atlanta three weeks ago. Steve knew something was up, but neither of them could take more of the same argument where Steve informed Eddie he also didn’t like having to parade Chrissy around, but that there was nothing he could do about it.

Eddie would argue there was a ton he could do about it, but the thing was that it included Steve doing less than pleasant things and god forbid Steve did anything that made him ‘uncomfortable’.

They would just go in circles, so it was best if they didn’t engage in it.

Steve had been asleep when Eddie got back to the bus, and Eddie simply slipped in bed with him, pushing away the guilt of almost flirting with the cute bartender just because he was mad at Steve.

So in the morning, Eddie and Steve had said their goodbyes with a chaste kiss on the corner of the mouth when no one was watching, and they had gone their separate ways.

The problem was that staying away from Steve always made Eddie forget how shitty everything felt in general. He missed him and he hated him, but he also loved him. It was a mix of feelings that drove him completely insane.

“Eddie,” Steve said, voice almost breaking at the end. “I missed you.”

Eddie turned to see him, standing in front of the now closed door, a lost puppy look on his face that twisted at Eddie’s insides. He hated seeing him like that.

He had two choices now; he could sit down with Steve and talk about shit, something they had been avoiding for weeks and Eddie knew they shouldn’t keep doing it, but at the same time, talking never got them anywhere. Or he could ignore it and take Steve to bed and fuck him until it didn’t matter anymore.

The choice was pretty simple.

With one of his hands, Eddie undid the knot keeping his robe closed and let the fabric fall open, revealing all naked skin. Eddie had showered when he got back to the hotel and he didn’t bother to put any clothes on. His plan had been to jerk off until his brain was mush and he could fall asleep hoping he wouldn’t dream about Steve, but Steve being right there was a thousand times better.

He heard the soft intake of breath as Steve’s eyes rummaged through his body and he licked his lips once he saw that Eddie’s dick was on full display. For a second, the two of them just stood there, not moving and just watching one another, and then, like an afterthought, Steve crossed the room in three long strides, arms wrapping around Eddie’s waist under his robe as he smashed their mouths together.

Steve was usually pretty sweet when they were kissing, but today was different. He was kissing Eddie with the sort of hunger Eddie didn’t feel so often, and it was doing things to him. Steve’s hands traveling all over his naked back, squeezing at his ass as Steve grunted against his lips also wasn’t helping.

Eddie had to pull back from the kiss to get some air and then he was diving back in, burrowing his face into Steve’s neck and biting it as Steve’s finger slid between his ass cheeks.

There was a desperation coursing through them as they touched and kissed and bit and squeezed and before Eddie could stop it, Steve was pushing him towards the bed, both of them falling in it as they stayed attached to each other.

Steve’s hand moved to Eddie’s front, passing his belly up until he was on his torso, fingers pinching at his nipple and making Eddie’s back arch deliciously.

“Fuck, Stevie,” Eddie said under his breath, and Steve seemed content with getting that kind of response from him. He kept at it, pinching and pulling and then finally diving with his mouth open to capture the nipple in between his teeth.

Eddie’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he started grinding on Steve the way he could, trying to get some friction, but Steve was still fully clothed and Eddie hissed from feeling of the rough material of his pants.

“Off, clothes off,” Eddie said and heard Steve chuckling in response.

But Steve was a smart guy and if Eddie was telling him to get naked, then he would do it. Steve adjusted himself, fully straddling Eddie’s hips now as he shrugged off his jacket. Eddie watched with rapt attention and when he was down to his plain white t-shirt Eddie pulled him by its collar, wrinkling his nose.

“You smell like her,” he said, low and menacing. Steve had the decency to look ashamed, letting his eyes fall from Eddie’s face as if he couldn’t bear to look at him right now.

But Eddie wouldn’t have that.

He hooked his fingers on Steve’s chin, pulling his face up with a little more force than necessary and forcing him to make eye contact.

“Fix it,” Steve said under his breath. His eyes were welling up as if he was about to cry, and Eddie couldn’t decide if that made him less or more turned on. Would he be a bad person if he said more?

“You come in here knowing you smell like her and you want me to fix it?” Eddie asked, never letting Steve’s eyes slip away from his.

“Please, Eddie. I’m sorry,” Steve said, and maybe they were going too far. They weren’t supposed to talk about it and this wasn’t exactly talking about it, but it was acknowledging it, somehow. “I only want to smell like you. I only want you.”

Eddie smiled then. Sharp and a little mean right before he moved so he could switch their positions and press Steve against the mattress, sitting on top of his hard erection still trapped in his pants.

Steve whimpered under him, hands moving to Eddie’s hips so he could try and pull him down to get the friction Eddie was denying him, but he wouldn’t budge. Steve would only get what Eddie wanted to give him tonight and he wasn’t feeling particularly nice.

“If you’re nice, I’ll let you come,” Eddie said, pushing his hips down and then retreating and getting up from the bed. “Now come here.”

Steve moved until he was sitting on the edge of the bed and Eddie adjusted himself right in front of him, fingers tangling in his hair so he could pull his head forward until Eddie’s dick was brushing on his soft, puffy lips.

“Open up, sweetheart,” Eddie said and Steve did as he was being told, opening his mouth so Eddie could bury his cock inside.

Steve loved sucking cock, maybe almost as much as Eddie, and he was incredibly good at it, so enthusiastic and thorough. But Eddie was calling the shots today, fingers intertwined in Steve’s hair so he could set the pace, pushing his cock until it hit the back of Steve’s throat and then out again.

Steve was moaning and slurring and Eddie could see spit making a mess of his dick, the wet sounds downright pornographic, echoing through the room. He could come like this, watching Steve swallow every single drop and then just go to bed and leave him to take care of his own erection, but the way Steve looked right now, eyes closed, and a blissful expression, was his biggest weakness.

Eddie pulled back, still holding Steve’s hair and listening to the complaining sounds he was making now that his mouth was empty.

“Change of plans,” Eddie told him, and Steve’s face fell, no doubt thinking Eddie was about to kick him out of the room.

And maybe Eddie should, but he wasn’t strong enough for that.

He walked around the bed, watching as Steve just sat still, waiting for instructions, and found his place on the head of the bed, back to the headrest and legs spread open, the robe still hanging on his shoulders.

“You’re gonna open yourself up for me, Stevie,” Eddie informed him and Steve’s response was just a long moan that made Eddie’s dick twitch. “And then you’re gonna come here and ride my dick until I can fill you up with my cum.”

Steve turned around and Eddie could see the glint in his eyes as he nodded. Eddie grabbed the lube bottle and threw his way and Steve didn’t waste any time, getting rid of his pants right before opening the lube and slicking his own fingers before his hand disappeared behind him as he fingered himself.

Eddie loved opening him up and watching him fall apart as he curled his fingers inside Steve, but he knew Steve loved it even more and that was why he wouldn’t give it to him tonight.

“Turn around, sweetheart. Wanna see your pretty ass,” Eddie said and Steve did as he was being told, propping one of his legs on the bed so he could have better access. He kept his mouth shut, trying to keep the moans inside as if he knew Eddie was punishing him and not rewarding him.

Eddie let his hand fall to his dick and he started pumping it up and down, slowly since he just wanted to keep himself hard enough for when Steve was ready for him. He had no doubt he could come just watching that sinful scene in front of him, Steve’s long fingers pumping in and out of his hole, his muffled sounds as he tried his best to do this as quickly as possible.

“I’m r-ready,” Steve said, voice trembling as he tried to swallow another moan. God, he was definitely something special.

“C’mere then, sweetheart,” Eddie said and watched as Steve pulled his fingers out, wiping them on the back of his thigh before crawling on the bed towards Eddie.

Steve looked a mess already, his face all red and sweaty as he tried his best not to come. It wouldn’t take long and Eddie knew that, but fuck, it would feel so good.

“Don’t be shy,” Eddie said, hands moving to hold his waist so he could help Steve adjust. He placed one knee on each side of Eddie’s thighs and slowly sank down until he brushed the head of Eddie’s dick.

“Eddie…” Steve said and Eddie could barely resist it, the pure need in his voice. Eddie used one of his hands to push Steve’s hair back and couldn’t ignore how he leaned into the touch as if he needed it more than the dick about to go inside of him.

“I know, baby. Just tell me again,” Eddie asked and Steve whimpered. “Tell me you’re mine.”

“I’m yours,” Steve said before Eddie was even done with his sentence. “Please.”

“Of course you are,” Eddie said, happy, and then he put pressure on Steve’s hip to tell him he could move.

Steve didn’t waste any time, sinking down as fast as he could handle as Eddie groaned a low 'Fuck' from how delicious that was. How incredible Steve was.

Now Steve was the one setting the pace, and he was hungry for it. He kept bouncing up and down, almost too fast for Eddie to keep up, face turning to the side so he could kiss Eddie’s palm. Eddie felt a tight coil in his belly and buried his fingers on the meat of Steve’s hips, hard enough to bruise.

Always hard enough to bruise. He wanted Steve to look himself in the mirror and see the marks and know who he belonged to.

Steve rolled his hips again and Eddie saw stars. Everything felt like too much and Eddie could barely warn him before he was coming, filling him up as Steve kept going, making a mess of everything. Steve wrapped his own hand on his dick and started pumping himself until he was coming too, just moments after Eddie.

He held his spend in his hand and once Eddie came back to himself, he grabbed Steve’s hand and brought it to his mouth so he could lick his own cum. Eddie watched with rapt attention as Steve’s eyes rolled to the back of his head and he just knew he would’ve come on the spot just by Eddie doing that.

“You’re perfect,” Eddie said, unable to control himself.

“'M not,” Steve answered, head falling back until it was pressed against Eddie’s shoulder.

“Shh,” Eddie said, not even remembering anymore why he was so upset when Steve first got here. Whatever it was, they would always fix it when it was just the two of them. “We’re going to go shower. And you’re going to use my things so you won’t smell like anyone else but me.”

Steve nodded, placing a soft kiss on Eddie’s throat. They needed to get up in order to get to the shower, but that could wait five more minutes as Eddie held Steve in his arms, wishing there was something he could do to make things easier.

x

New York City, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Steve and Eddie were on a date.

There was no mistaking it for what it was now that Eddie was actually here. Steve had organized everything while he showered and then he directed Eddie to the car, opened the door for him and gave the driver directions until they were in a low-lit fancy bar that Eddie wouldn’t have looked at twice.

They were sitting on a high table in a dark corner, a couple of sodas in front of them, and an obscene amount of food because Steve knew just how hungry Eddie got after gigs. The conversation was pleasant, soft and quiet, about nothing in particular, but what was really making Edde’s head spin was Steve’s full attention directed at him.

Steve barely looked away from him for more than a second and only to order more of whatever they were running low on. Then he would sip his drink and slip his hand softly into Eddie’s thigh under the table, squeezing at it like this was a day like any other.

“I’m glad we’re doing this,” Steve said, eyes focused on Eddie as if he was trying to read his reaction.

Eddie smiled at him and nodded. He should say something. He should ask 'what does this mean?' and 'what about everything else?' but he couldn’t find it in him the will to ruin this on purpose. If Steve was willing to ignore everything else, then so was Eddie.

Was this what being mature meant?

“Me too,” Eddie said, and Steve was right there. He could feel his breath in his skin, making things tingle. Steve was close, too close, and for the first time in forever it wasn’t a fucking problem.

It didn’t matter if someone saw them like this and it didn’t matter if they recognized them or photographed them. It didn’t matter if they were ambushed by ten paparazzi and it didn’t fucking matter if Eddie wanted to lean in and kiss Steve in this bar in front of whoever.

No one could hold it against them anymore.

Steve’s interview had been great for a thousand different reasons and Eddie could feel his chest almost bursting with pride, but it was also a big fuck you to Richard Harrington and his twisted idea that he had any power over Steve. That might have been true, once upon a time, but Steve had just set himself free.

Eddie could only imagine how livid Richard must’ve been after he read the piece and he kept meaning to ask Steve about it, if only to make sure he was doing ok and that he knew how proud Eddie was of him, but the right time hadn’t shown itself yet.

But Steve was free, and that was what mattered the most, right?

Eddie’s hand found its way to Steve’s face, cupping it softly. If this was the past, Steve would have awkwardly pulled back and pretended he had to go to the bathroom so he wouldn’t hurt Eddie’s feelings, but this was now and instead Steve leaned into the touch, chasing it as if he needed it to breathe.

Eddie felt his own breath catching in his throat and Steve must’ve felt it too, because he offered him a lopsided smile. Did he know what Eddie was thinking?

“What if someone sees us?” Eddie asked, feeling another squeeze in his leg and adjusting his body so his lips were almost touching Steve’s. He wouldn’t take the lead here, not when Steve had so many reasons to reject him, but he would make it abundantly clear that he wanted it.

“It doesn’t matter,” Steve said under his breath because it was meant only for Eddie to hear. He knew they were trapped inside a bubble of their own making and he didn’t care.

Eddie let his eyes flutter close, his thumb drawing circles on Steve’s face, running it along his jaw as if he needed to touch him to know he was real. He wanted to look at Steve but at the same time he knew seeing wouldn’t help him believe this was real. He needed to just feel it.

He needed to feel how close Steve was and the way his hand kept squeezing at his leg as if Steve also needed to feel him near. He needed to concentrate so he was able to feel Steve’s heartbeat, going a little erratic inside his chest just like Eddie’s was, as if they both were having a hard time trusting this.

And he needed to kiss Steve. He desperately needed to feel Steve’s lips against his and he could lean in and take the kiss but he wanted to wait. He wanted to enjoy the build up so he could trust this was real.

Eddie felt Steve moving slightly, and he let his own lips fall open, inviting Steve in, but before they could kiss, Eddie heard someone knocking something –a chair, was it?– and then saying:

“Eddie?”

x

Boston, 1989

(Eddie is 23, Steve is 22)

Eddie was always amazed at how quickly he could fuck everything up.

Looking at it now, this should be considered some sort of special skill or something.

He thought everything was ok after Miami, but he should’ve known better than to think fucking like rabbits would fix anything at this point. They needed to talk things through and act like adults, but Eddie chickened out every time Steve was in front of him and he invariably ended up with his mouth too busy to talk.

They had discussed their plans for a night out in Boston, and even if Eddie would much rather stay in with Steve, in the safety of their hotel room and in a place he could touch and kiss and fuck Steve however he liked, he had said yes to going to a bar because he thought it would make Steve happy.

Steve didn’t look very happy now, after Eddie, already a little drunk, had tried to kiss him. He had hissed a quiet ‘stop’ that earned them concerned looks from both Jeff and Gareth, who were watching the scene from a distance, ready to intervene if they needed to.

Eddie wished he could control his brain when he was drunk, but he had always had too big of a mouth for his own good and more often than not, that got him in trouble.

“Are you really gonna pretend you don’t want to kiss me?” Eddie asked, smiling sweetly as Steve looked even more annoyed.

“Eddie, c’mon,” he said, eyes wandering around them as if he was afraid someone was watching them.

“No one’s looking, sweetheart,” Eddie said, moving a little closer and ignoring the sting in his chest when Steve moved away.

If anyone asked him, Eddie would say he didn’t know why he was acting like that. He knew Steve was very particular about PDA, especially with Eddie, and it had never bothered him. Not like it did tonight. But there was something in the way he had to watch Chrissy cling to Steve during their soundcheck just because some guy from Rolling Stone was there that must’ve crossed some wires inside his brain because suddenly he felt like pushing it, even if he knew it was a lost cause.

“No more beer for you. You’re too drunk,” Steve said, ignoring Eddie’s comment about people looking. Eddie should’ve dropped it right then, smiled and drank some water until Steve agreed to go back to the hotel with him where he would get what he wanted.

Instead, he pushed some more.

“Didn’t hear you complaining about me when I had three fingers inside you the other night,” Eddie said, a little louder than he meant it. Steve’s face went pale the same instant, and from the look on Gareth’s face he must’ve heard at least parts of it.

“You should leave,” Steve said, face contorting in a serious expression. Eddie blinked and finally caught on to what he had just said.

“Fuck, Stevie. Sorry, that sounded better in my head,” Eddie said, scrambling inside his own brain trying to regain control of his mouth and his horny thoughts.

“Sure,” Steve said, rolling his eyes. Tonight was supposed to be just a chill night out and Steve had already promised Eddie they would sleep together, but Eddie had just fucked everything up. “Just… Go home.”

“No, I’m sorry,” Eddie said again. He wanted to reach out and touch Steve but he knew it would only make everything worse. “Why don’t you… let’s go back to the hotel together and then–”

Steve sighed, one of his hands going to his temple and starting to draw circles in it. Something that usually meant Steve was about to get a migraine and Eddie was the one to blame.

“Please,” Steve said, lowering his voice. “I need a minute, ok? You just head back and I’ll see you there in a bit.”

Eddie wanted to argue. He wanted to tell Steve he wouldn’t leave without him because he wasn’t sure Steve was going to show up after all. But he could see the frown on Steve’s forehead and the way he was squinting his eyes, as if the light was bothering him already, and if Steve was about to have a migraine and he was asking Eddie to leave, Eddie needed to do that for him.

“Promise?” Eddie asked, hating how vulnerable his voice sounded.

“Promise. Just… go on. Please.”

Eddie felt his heart sinking in his chest and he hesitated for one more second before waving at his friends and heading out of the bar.

x

Just to be safe, Eddie went back to Steve’s hotel room.

He threw himself on the bed and he was planning on just lying there until Steve was back and he could beg for forgiveness, but he was drunk and feeling restless, so he ended up walking around the room.

Steve’s suitcase was neatly stacked in one of the corners, his clothes folded and organized the way Eddie knew he usually did. It was kind of cute how they were the absolute opposite of the other and Eddie kept picturing his own suitcase, a complete disaster up in his room.

He walked inside the bathroom, considering taking a shower and using Steve’s fancy shampoo so he would smell like him, and he knew just how much Steve loved when that happened. Maybe that would be enough to disarm him after Eddie and his big mouth made him upset.

The bathroom counter was filled with stuff as usual. A lot of face creams and lotions that Steve loved, and everything was neat and organized, except for a pink pouch Eddie had never seen before, it was open and had a headband spilling from it.

Eddie fought the urge to snoop and got rid of his clothes before jumping in the shower. Steve’s things were in there and the feeling of the warm water on his skin mixed with Steve’s scent everywhere was enough to relax him a little. He had been a jackass. He knew Steve preferred to keep his personal business to himself and he was mature enough to know how to respect that, even if he wanted to say the nastiest things to Steve in public just to rile him up.

Maybe that just wasn’t something that worked for their current dynamic. Eddie loved to push the boundaries and if Steve was feeling brave enough he would let him, sometimes, but tonight he had clearly crossed a line and it upset Steve.

He got out of the shower determined to be better next time. When Steve got back, he would apologize again and make sweet, soft love to him until Steve was happy and sated and ready for bed.

Eddie stopped in front of the foggy mirror and grabbed the hairbrush, slowly undoing all the knots in his hair the way Steve taught him. As he did that, his eyes fell on the pink pouch again and he decided it was probably nothing. Just a bunch of products Eddie probably had no idea how to use. Steve was always getting things from the brands he shot ads for and he had a lot of stuff.

It was no big deal.

But if it was no big deal then why was Eddie going through the fucking pouch?

At first, it was exactly what he expected it to be. A bunch of things he had never seen before, with weird names and bright colors. The pouch was bigger than he thought because he just kept taking stuff out of it and it seemed like it was never going to end.

Then there were just two things left. First he pulled out a golden necklace he didn’t recognize at first, but after he managed to hold it right he could clearly read the word that it spelled out. 'Chrissy'.

Eddie blinked, staring at it while he held it up in front of his face. He tried not to notice it too much, but as far as he could tell Chrissy was always wearing that necklace. In fact, he couldn’t remember seeing her without it.

He looked around at all the things he took out of the pouch and slowly his mind started to connect the dots. Those things didn’t belong to Steve, they belonged to Chrissy. This was her pink pouch that she had, what, left with Steve? Had she forgotten with him the last time they saw each other?

Or was she around, sleeping in his room and that was why her things were on the counter like that?

Eddie felt his head spinning and before stuffing everything inside it again he pulled the very last item in it, already feeling his heart rate going up.

It was a small, black velvet box that Eddie had never seen before, but that at the same time, looked vaguely familiar. He opened it to reveal something he had only seen in pictures. A shiny, gold band. A fucking ring.

With shaky hands, Eddie picked up the ring and brought it close to his face to inspect it. He had completely forgotten about the fact that Steve had been photographed buying an engagement ring a few months ago, but seeing it now–touching it– made it feel scarily real.

His brain was working in overload right now, trying to understand what exactly he was looking at. He knew about the ring, just like the entire fucking country did, and he was pretty sure he hadn’t seen Steve giving it out to Chrissy, but here it was, irrefutable proof that she had the ring.

She hadn’t been wearing it, that was for sure. There was no reason for her to be keeping it with her toiletries unless Richard had a specific plan on how he would like the engagement to be announced. Maybe he was keeping it a secret for now, so he could use it in his favor when Steve was about to wrap up the tour so they could spike up the album sales.

Eddie felt his heart skipping a beat.

Sometime soon, Steve and Chrissy would be engaged. She would be wearing the ring he had got her and even if Eddie kept trying to tell himself it wasn’t real, it was impossible to fight how real it felt as he held the fucking ring in his hand.

x

New York City, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

The last thing Eddie needed right now was to be facing his fucking ex while Steve sat next to him, eyes moving from one to the other with a frown.

Luke had been… something.

No one had come close to what Steve was to him, that wasn’t even a fair competition. Steve was everything Eddie had ever wanted, but once Eddie realized he had lost him and he wouldn’t be getting him back, he started to search for someone that would make him feel something.

With Luke, he got almost there. If everything with Steve was heightened and bright, things were a little duller and muffled with Luke, but sometimes, if he played his cards just right, Eddie would feel his heart skipping a beat when Luke was around.

It was the closest he had ever gotten to falling in love again.

He met Luke when things with Steve were really bad, and Eddie would love to pretend that hadn’t played an important part on why Luke had made an impression on him, but it was hard to fight the euphoria Eddie felt when someone wasn’t ashamed of being seen with him. When someone would flirt openly with him and touch his hand without fear of being spotted.

That was exactly why he had kept Luke a secret, walking back home in Atlanta knowing Steve would be waiting up to beg Eddie for forgiveness. Steve had been with Chrissy and Eddie pretended it was the same as him talking to Luke in that bar.

Luke had slipped him his number on that occasion, but Eddie had thrown it away with no remorse, knowing no good would come from that, no matter how he tried to spin it. It didn’t stop him from going back to that same bar almost three years later in the hopes he would see Luke again.

That second time, he didn’t throw his number away.

Luke had been easy from the start. All smiles and jokes, always saying yes to Eddie even when he didn’t know what Eddie was asking for.

Eddie spent a month in Atlanta that first time, burying himself in Luke every night and waiting for him to come back from the bar so he could do it all over again.

He wouldn’t call it a relationship, but for almost two years, Luke was the only person Eddie talked to. They met mostly in Atlanta, but Eddie flew him to Los Angeles a couple times, whenever he could take some time off from the bar.

What Eddie liked the most about him was how he didn’t ask too many questions. He talked for the two of them, filling empty spaces Eddie wouldn’t know how to fill by himself, and he knew exactly when Eddie needed to be alone again, so he would retreat until Eddie called.

He didn’t care who Eddie was or what he had done, and he made Eddie feel good, which was more than Eddie could hope for at this point.

Things between them ended when Luke admitted he was catching feelings. From the way his eyes welled up when they talked about it, Eddie knew feelings had been around a lot longer than Luke wanted to admit. He didn’t want to lose him, but it wasn’t fair to lead him on when Eddie knew he would never love him the way he deserved to be loved.

If Eddie tried, he would maybe be able to give him half and he would be damned if he would let this man go on with someone that only half-loved him when he loved so fully.

“Luke, hey,” Eddie said, a lump forming in his throat as Steve tensed next to him, and he had no clue if it was because of how nervous Eddie looked or if this was still a whiplash from someone seeing them almost kissing. Again.

Annoyingly, that seemed to be a constant occurrence.

“I thought it was you,” Luke said, always brighter than he needed to be. He was the only person in the world that would be this happy to see Eddie. “And… Steve, is it?”

Eddie felt Steve flinching at the mention of his name, but as someone born to play this role, Steve offered his hand and a soft smile that would fool anyone that wasn’t Eddie.

“Nice to meet you, Luke,” Steve said, even if Eddie could hear the grind of his teeth when Luke shook his hand.

“You too. I’ve heard a lot about you,” Luke said, smiling back and then turning to Eddie. “You look good.”

That seemed to be the wrong thing to say because then, Steve’s hand was possessively wrapping around Eddie’s waist and pulling him just a little bit closer. Eddie let him as he tried to keep a smile on for Luke.

“You too. You living in New York now?” Eddie asked to be polite, and Luke nodded.

“I saw you were playing Madison Square this weekend. Well done, you.”

“Eh,” Eddie said, waving his hand like it was nothing, and Luke laughed.

“Ok, Mr. Rockstar. Let’s pretend this is no big deal.”

Eddie felt his cheeks growing hot, and he turned his face away from Steve so he wouldn’t notice it too. The last thing he wanted was for Steve to feel threatened by Luke.

He pretended to look at a non-existent clock on the wall and turned back to Luke. “Uh, sorry, we were actually just leaving. We have an early morning tomorrow.”

Steve didn’t need to be told twice before he was up, hand still around Eddie’s waist, and it didn’t seem like he would be taking that away anytime soon. Luke’s eyes fell from their faces to that point of contact and when he looked back up, he was smiling a little differently.

“Of course. I won’t keep you. It was nice seeing you, Eddie. Call me so we can catch up,” he said, and Eddie nodded, even though they both knew he wouldn’t.

He hadn’t called in at least a year, even if he had made an effort to go see Luke a few other times when he was feeling particularly lonely. But now that Steve was back in his life, Eddie knew there was no space whatsoever for anyone else, let alone someone like Luke.

“Nice meeting you,” Steve said. Eddie could hear the lie clearly in his tone, and from the look on Luke’s face, he could too.

“You too, Steve. Good luck tomorrow,” Luke said and before anyone could say anything else, Steve was dragging the two of them away from there, pulling Eddie by the waist like he couldn’t get away quickly enough.

x

Boston, 1989

(Eddie is 22, Steve is 21)

Eddie didn’t remember really making the decision to leave, but he did it anyway.

Steve’s hotel room felt suffocating after he understood what was going to happen. What his life was going to look like once his boyfriend was engaged to someone else and he couldn’t even say anything about it.

Well, he could say something, but he knew no one would listen to him. Steve would say what he always said to him, that he fucking knew what he was getting himself into as if he could’ve chose not to fall in love with him.

As if it was possible for Eddie to exist in a world where he kissed Steve Harrington and didn’t fall in love with him.

He was cursed to love Steve, even if it killed him.

Once he was on the street, he wasn’t sure where exactly he was going, he just knew he needed to go, to keep going until he could breathe again.

He stopped after thirty minutes, sure that he looked insane as he stared at the window of a place he had driven by coming back from the bar. A pawn shop.

Eddie remembered going into one of those when he was a kid, hand tight on his mother’s grip as she sold her jewelry so she could afford to pay the bills. Eddie never understood how his mom had so many nice things, but after his father went to jail and he was old enough to understand how the world worked, he figured out that none of that had belonged to his mother in the first place.

The place was empty and quiet and it smelled a little like mold. There was a bored looking woman behind the counter and she eyed Eddie as if she was intrigued by his presence there. He looked too nice to be here, probably, in his leather jacket and fancy boots.

“Can I help you?” she said, with a scratchy voice that Eddie would bet meant she went through a pack of cigarettes in a day.

He patted his pockets, the alcohol in his blood still enough to make him forget where he had put the fucking box and once he found it, he walked towards her trying to ignore the way his hands were shaking.

Eddie didn’t think he had planned on doing that, but now that he was here and since he still had the ring with him, it was the only thing on his mind.

“I wanna sell this,” he said, pushing the box towards her and trying to sound more sober than he felt.

She hummed before reaching for the box and opening it. From the look on her face, it was a nice ring and Eddie couldn’t even pretend to be surprised. Steve wouldn’t settle for something less than incredible.

She let out a long whisper, “You sure? I can’t say I see this often around here.”

“I’m sure,” Eddie said and was surprised at how steady his voice sounded. “How much can you give me for it?”

The woman narrowed her eyes at him, as if she was trying to look inside his brain and read the situation. In the end, she probably didn’t care enough. She scribbled a number on a paper and passed it to him and Eddie barely looked at it before nodding.

If that seemed weird to her, she didn’t show.

Eddie waited as she moved around the counter, typing things on her computer and looking at the ring using some sort of magnifying lens. After almost 15 minutes, she came back with a paper for him to sign and an envelope full of cash.

“If you sign this, there’s no going back. Do you understand?” She said and for the first time, she sounded truly worried. Eddie nodded, picking up the pen and stopping once she placed her hand on top of his.

“What happened?” she asked and Eddie shook his head, but she held on.

“It didn’t work out,” he said, feeling tears welling up in his eyes. He didn’t want to cry in front of a total stranger, but the answer seemed to have satisfied her since she retreated her hand, nodding.

“That happens sometimes,” she said and Eddie nodded, signing the paper and grabbing the envelope with money. “You can check the money if you want.”

Eddie just shook his head, stuffing the envelope in his jeans pocket the best he could and offering her a small smile before turning away so he could leave.

Once again, he had no idea where he was headed, but he let his feet take him anywhere, just hoping that he would find himself somewhere he didn’t need to think about Steve anymore.

x

New York City, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

It seemed like their old habit of not talking about things was still going strong.

Getting back from the bar, Steve had held on to Eddie like his life depended on it, but he didn’t say a word to him about what had just happened. Even if Eddie could see it on his face how upset he was.

Eddie was trying this new thing where he wouldn’t pick a fight if he could avoid it, especially one he knew he couldn’t win. He had been scared shitless that Steve had moved on with Chrissy and he knew how much that shit had hurt, even if it turned out to be as far from the truth as possible. And now Steve was faced with the proof that Eddie at least tried to move on.

So he let it slide. He let Steve pretend he was tired, and he wanted to go to bed and he would keep pretending until Steve was ready to talk about it. Or until he was ready to try to kiss him again, whatever came first.

The problem was that he hadn’t lied to Luke about them having a busy day the next day, and Steve was pulled from the bed before 7am, snuggling close to Eddie for a second longer, his lips brushing the shell of his ear before he was up and out of the room.

And maybe Eddie was just in a bad mood because he and Steve had almost kissed and got interrupted once again. Maybe he was in a bad mood because he wanted to spend the entire day in bed with Steve and he just couldn’t. Or maybe it was a mix of everything, all at once.

But whatever it was, it gave him a bad feeling that followed Eddie around the entire day. He lost count of how many times Gareth asked if he was ok and he kept trying to catch Steve for a second, even if he had no idea what he was going to say to him.

He was stuck between apologizing even if they didn’t have the time to properly discuss what happened the night before or just kissing Steve to get it over with, so Steve would know his intentions very clearly. But someone seemed determined to keep the two of them apart and if he saw Steve that day, was only in passing as he got escorted everywhere by the crisis control team, which told Eddie that the coming out interview might not have gone all that well.

Eddie had no other choice than to get the day over with. They still had one more show in New York and then hopefully a few free days before their last stop of the year in Boston and he planned on using all those free days to let Steve know exactly how he felt.

Even if their date had ended on a weird note after Luke showed up, Eddie kept clinging to the important part of it: the fact that it was, unmistakably, a date. That Steve wanted to kiss him. He wanted him back for whatever sick reason, and Eddie wouldn’t question it in case Steve changed his mind.

He had another chance at it and he wouldn’t mess it up again.

Eddie walked on stage ready to sing and play for almost two hours and determined to find Steve once they were done. Yesterday’s show had been good, but Eddie would be lying if he said being on the most famous stage in the country wasn’t messing with his confidence a little.

Today, though, he felt renewed and ready to take the challenge. He had the crowd in the palm of his hand from the second he took to the stage and he couldn’t remember a show where him and the boys had been more in sync than this one.

He felt the bad mood and the bad feelings slowly melting away and when he finally stepped down after they wrapped up their set, Eddie felt energized.

He stopped the first PA he saw to ask about Steve, but he just shook his head and walked away as fast as he could, which… was a little odd, Eddie wouldn’t lie. Sure, they had a lot of things to do, but since there was still another show tomorrow, they wouldn’t be disassembling the stage just yet.

After being in the public eye for so many years–more than 10 at this point–Eddie was definitely used to being stared at. It happened everywhere he went, even if he tried to go unnoticed. But there was something peculiar about the way everyone was looking at him now because these were people who worked close to him on most days, and even the ones that worked at the venue, were used to people way more famous than he was.

Everyone here was pretending they weren’t looking at him. They would look and quickly avert their eyes once they realized Eddie had caught on to them. They would exchange glances with those close to them as if they knew something Eddie didn’t.

It was so weird that even Gareth and Jeff caught on to it, sharing a questioning look with each other.

“Something weird’s going on,” Gareth said as the three of them walked together, with Eddie safely slotted in between his friends.

It warmed his heart to know that even after all these years they were still that protective of him. Wouldn’t let him go through this by himself if they could help it, even if neither of them knew exactly what was happening.

Eddie’s eyes wandered the halls, trying to spot Steve. Surely he would know what was happening and at this point Eddie was sure this was bad news and he would much rather hear it from him than anyone else.

But Steve was nowhere to be found and as they reached their dressing room, Robin caught up to them. She looked pale, eyes wide as she tried to collect her breath while trying to speak at the same time.

“Robin, slow down,” Jeff asked, putting a hand on her shoulder and breathing in so she could mimic him.

Robin coughed and finally breathed in enough times that she wasn’t panting anymore, but she still looked scared.

Had they messed something up at the show and just didn’t notice?

“What happened?” Gareth finally asked and Eddie was grateful because he didn’t think his voice would work right now.

He had a bad feeling about this, like that sensation that had been following him along all day was about to become too real.

“Is it Steve?” he choked out, making all eyes turn to him. He didn’t know why it had only just crossed his mind that something might’ve happened to Steve. He hadn’t seen him for a hot minute and Steve had been watching him perform for the past weeks without missing one. If he wasn’t around today, that could only mean…

“Jesus, Eddie, just breathe,” Robin said, moving to stand in front of him.

Eddie kind of hated that he was always the one freaking out, always the one about to lose his shit and he could see pity in the eyes of his friends because they knew it too.

“Robin!” he said again, voice cracking at the end.

“Steve is fine,” she said, squeezing his shoulders. “Steve is ok. Nothing happened to him and if it had you know I would be pulling you out of that stage myself, otherwise he wouldn’t ever forgive me.”

Eddie let the words sink in. Yeah, she was right. Steve would be so fucking angry if something happened to him and no one came to tell Eddie right away.

“What is it, then? What happened? And don’t you dare say nothing happened because I can feel the way everyone is looking at me.”

He watched Robin’s face closely and she sighed, biting her lower lip. She was clearly debating whether she should tell him now or if they should go in the dressing room but if people were looking at him like that it meant they already knew.

“Robin!”

“Fine,” she shook her head. “It seems like someone leaked the real reason the tour was cancelled in ‘89.”

The words hung between them and at first, it didn’t make sense to Eddie until his brain slowly started to catch up to it.

“What do you mean? How? Who?”

“We’re working on that as we speak. Steve is working on that, but Eddie… It’s out there. There are… pictures and everything. Everyone knows.”

Everyone knows, she said, and Eddie let it sink in.

The thing he had tried his hardest to forget, to move past it.

Eddie really thought he could run away from it forever, but it seemed that his past had finally caught up to him.

Chapter Text

New York City, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Out of all the things Steve thought Richard would do to get back at him, this hadn’t even crossed his mind, and now he had to live with the fact that it was all his fault.

It was all his fault.

How would he ever face Eddie again after this?

x

Boston, 1989

(Eddie is 22, Steve is 21)

Steve had a bad fucking feeling that night.

From the moment he woke up, he knew something bad was going to happen. He knew it in the pit of his stomach, from the way his insides felt twisted since he got out of bed. He knew it from the way Eddie’s eyes glinted in the light, shining like a bad omen.

All of his decisions felt like the wrong ones, and as the day progressed, it just seemed like he couldn’t get anything right. He picked the itchy sweater instead of a nice, soft, comfortable one. He insisted on going out because he didn’t think he could stay in and not fuck Eddie, even though he knew they needed to talk. It was too easy to get lost on him and ignore everything else like it didn’t matter.

He shouldn’t have asked Eddie to leave.

He shouldn’t have let him leave.

He should’ve gone after him. He should’ve held him and kissed him even if everyone saw. He should’ve called Richard and told him to go fuck himself.

He should’ve…

The second he got to the hotel room, Steve knew something was wrong. He knew it on a molecular level, even though nothing seemed out of place at a first glance.

The bed was unmade, messy, just like they had left it early in the morning. His things were neatly folded, and he could still hear Eddie’s teasing remark about it.

Steve turned the bathroom light on and noticed the mirror still had steam on it, which meant Eddie must’ve taken a shower not too long ago. There were still wet footprints on the shower mat, irrefutable proof that Eddie had been there.

He kept seeing Eddie everywhere in that room and still no sign of him. Steve felt it tugging at his heartstrings, his breathing getting uneven as the bad feeling came crashing down all at once. He couldn’t even explain why. He just knew something had happened.

Something bad.

It took him a long minute before he could approach the sink, eyes rummaging through it as if the answer was going to present itself. Steve was about to move on, to go back and call Eddie’s room to see if he was there, even if he was pretty sure he wouldn’t be, and that was when he saw it.

Chrissy’s pink pouch was on the counter, completely empty. Steve looked once through her things spread messily on the counter and he knew what was missing.

He knew Eddie had found the ring.

x

Steve was going to lose his shit if he heard anyone else telling him to calm down one more time.

How the fuck could he be calm when Eddie was drunk and missing?

Everyone was in his room, and Steve knew they were trying to look calm so he wouldn’t freak out even more, but someone needed to tell them it wasn’t fucking working. It wasn’t working because when Steve got back, the shower was still wet and Eddie was probably close enough that they could catch him if they hurried, and now the steam was gone and the water droplets were almost all gone and Eddie was fucking gone.

“Deep breaths,” Robin said, hand moving in a circular motion on his back. Steve moved away from her touch, feeling his skin prickling with it.

“I need to find him,” he said through his teeth, and Robin sighed. He had repeated those same words over and over and over and–

“I know. But it’s the middle of the night. We don’t even know the direction he went to, and you don’t wanna call Richard.”

“What good would calling Richard do, Robin? He just ruins everything all the time.”

She sighed again, looking down at her lap, but Gareth spoke for her.

“He has contacts. He has eyes everywhere. I don’t know, the man is a maniac. He would find Eddie in–”

“We’re not calling my father unless we absolutely need to.”

No one dared arguing with him.

Gareth was right, though. Richard would handle this much quicker than they would, and Steve kind of hated him even more for that. How could he be so useless to the point he couldn’t even find his own boyfriend? Did he really have to call his daddy because his boyfriend was missing?

“Do we really think he didn’t go back to the bar to try to find you?” Jeff said, looking at Steve from his spot on the room chair. “Maybe you just missed him and now he’s confused 'cause you’re not at the bar anymore.”

It was a good theory. At least as good as any of the others, but Steve had told Eddie he would be home soon and Eddie had showered and Steve didn’t think he would go out again after that when he could have just stayed and waited for Steve.

No. If he found the ring, Eddie would run away.

“He’s running from me,” Steve said and he could see on his friends’ faces that they wanted to say that wasn’t true, but neither of them could.

“Where would he even go?” Gareth asked, as if they weren’t running circles around that same question for the past 40 minutes.

“Does he know anyone in town?” Robin asked, and Steve wanted to say no, but standing here with no clue where Eddie was, he got a bad feeling. One that told him he didn’t even know Eddie. Not really.

“Wait!” Jeff said, getting up. “Sonic Death’s in town.”

Steve and Robin both looked at him as if he was just saying words with no real meaning, but Gareth’s face lit up in recognition.

“Oh, right! James called, didn’t he? Said he was throwing a party tonight and that we should totally come.”

“Who the fuck is James?” Robin asked, and it was as if she had plucked the question from Steve’s brain.

It didn’t help that Jeff and Gareth exchanged weird looks before answering.

“He’s, uh, a guy we went to school with. He has a band, too. Sonic Death,” Gareth said, avoiding Steve’s eyes at all costs.

Steve did not like the direction that was going.

“Well, fine. Let’s go find him, then,” he said, getting up, but noticing that no one moved with him. “What?”

“Eddie and him…” Gareth started and Steve didn’t need him to finish that sentence, but he wanted to hear it anyway. “They used to go out. It wasn’t serious, I think.”

“Gareth…” Jeff warned, but Steve waved him off.

“Tell me,” Steve asked.

“Eddie used to say he only had one love, and that was music. But I think he just didn’t want to admit how much James meant to him. I just… are you sure you want to hear this?”

Steve sighed and nodded. If he was about to find Eddie doing God knows what with this guy, he might as well hear the whole story.

“That was before you even existed,” Jeff said, trying to make amends. “I mean, you existed, just not in Eddie’s orbit yet.”

“But he had a poster of you in his bedroom!” Gareth added, and Robin snorted. Well, at least someone was having fun, right?

“Did Eddie watch your show?” she asked, even if that wasn’t the time to be asking that kind of thing.

“Is there anything I need to know? Other than Eddie’s decoration choices, that is,” Steve asked, dead serious.

“They weren’t… great together. They fought a lot. Eddie wasn’t easy back then. I mean, worse than now,” Gareth said, flinching a bit and Jeff nodded, jumping in to complete the story as if they had told it more than once.

“And James didn’t have a good track record. Eddie started dealing after he met him. Said he was trying to buy a new guitar even though his was good. I think he just… He wanted to have something, you know?” Jeff said and suddenly Steve felt a little dizzy.

He loved Eddie. Had loved him for a long while now, and still, tonight he felt like he was hearing about him for the first time.

“So this James… he’s bad news. Is that what you’re saying?” Robin asked, getting up and moving closer to Steve. She always knew when he needed her the most.

“Maybe? It’s been a few years, and we’ve changed, right? Things between them ended the day we heard H&H wanted a meeting with us, but Eddie insists it was unrelated. What Jeff and I always thought was that up until then, Eddie was sure he was going to spend the rest of his life in that shitty town, trying to live out his dream. And James… God, he was an asshole. He kept telling Eddie he wasn’t good enough to make it.”

Steve felt rage burning inside of him and he wasn’t sure if he was angrier at this James person or at himself for making Eddie think his only alternative was to run back to a guy like him.

“I’ve heard enough,” he said, moving to grab his wallet. “Let’s just go find him.”

x

James’ party was happening in a hotel not far from theirs, which was convenient enough and the second Steve stepped into the lobby, he knew he would find Eddie there.

He preferred to not think about what kind of situation he was going to find him in, but at this point Steve would just be relieved to see him and nothing else would matter. They could handle the consequences of whatever bad choices Eddie had made tonight later.

Robin was glued to his side as Steve worked his magic, talking to the concierge about them being friends with James and here for his party. She giggled and blushed and slipped them a keycard informing they needed it to access the presidential suite on the top floor.

The elevator ride was silent, and Steve appreciated Robin slipping her hand into his. Just a reminder that she was there. That she would ground him, no matter what they were about to walk into.

With Robin by his side and Jeff and Gareth right behind them, Steve knew he could do it. He would find Eddie and he would beg him to come back home with him if he needed to. And he wouldn’t ever let him go.

And if Richard had anything to say about that, then Steve was done. He was done with music and acting and whatever else Richard thought he could use to control him. Richard could take everything, but Steve wouldn’t let him take Eddie.

The music was loud even in the corridor, and Steve didn’t bother knocking. He pushed the door open and walked into the party, trying his best not to stare too long at anyone, wanting to avoid drawing attention to their group for as long as he could.

At his first look around, there was no sign of Eddie. But the presidential suite was big enough to open into different rooms, and each of them was filled with people in various states of drunkenness and highness. Gareth and Jeff took the lead, this clearly being more their scene than Steve’s, with everyone wearing black from head to toe while he stood out in his baby blue polo.

They moved as one, afraid of getting lost in the crowd, and as they entered the third room, Jeff pointed to a far corner and informed them that James was there.

The guy was broad and tall, not at all the kind of guy Steve saw as Eddie’s type, but then again, he didn’t think of himself as Eddie’s type either, so maybe he was reading him all wrong. Despite everyone else being oblivious to their presence, James’ eyes fell on them the second they stepped through the threshold, which was a little intimidating.

“You made it!” He said from across the room and Steve watched as Jeff bumped his shoulder with Gareth whispering 'be nice' before the two of them made their way to the corner where James was.

Steve decided to stay put. There was no reason for him to engage with James when they didn’t even know if Eddie was there or not. Maybe this would be as simple as getting in and out and once they confirmed Eddie wasn’t there, they would go back and find him sound asleep in Steve’s bed as if nothing had happened.

“You good?” Robin asked, moving closer to him so no one would eavesdrop on them.

He nodded and felt her squeezing his hand.

“We’re gonna find him,” she said, smiling softly.

“I know. And it’ll be ok, right? He’s not gonna hate me or anything?”

“He’s not going to hate you, Steve,” she assured him and Steve sighed, letting his head fall back.

“I should’ve proposed already,” Steve said, and Robin nodded.

“It wouldn’t have fixed things, though. We talked about it.”

“I know. But still. He would know. How serious I am about him. About us.”

Whatever Robin was about to say back, it was interrupted by a heavy hand touching Steve’s shoulder. He didn’t have to turn around to know James had spotted them.

“I thought my eyes were tricking me when I saw the Steve Harrington walking into my humble little party,” James said, his smile all teeth. He was trying to sound friendly, but Steve couldn’t ignore the light threatening undertone to his voice. “To what do I owe the pleasure?”

He could lie. Say he heard about the party and play it by ear as long as possible. But then again, the bad feelings were eating at his insides at this point, and he needed to see Eddie.

“I’m looking for Eddie Munson,” he said and James’ face lit up.

“I wasn’t aware he was lost,” James said, his hand still on Steve’s shoulder as he tried his best to look unbothered by it.

“He, uh, was supposed to be at the hotel an hour ago and we just… We were worried,” Steve said, looking at Gareth and Jeff and hoping this would come across genuine. They were all concerned about Eddie, not just him.

“I see,” James said, pressing his lips in a tight line and looking at their little group as if he was just now noticing they were all together. “I’m sure he just lost track of time. He was having such a fun time a while back.”

Steve offered him a smile, still determined to pretend this was nothing.

“Just point us in his direction and we’ll be out of your hair,” Steve said and James finally took his hand away, clapping once.

“You know what? Now that you mentioned it, I haven’t seen him in a hot minute. Perhaps he found some company.”

Steve could see from the glint in his eyes that he was fishing. He was trying to get under his skin, and Steve wanted to be the bigger person and nod and smile and say he would find Eddie by himself. But this had been a long day, and he was tired and worried, and quite honestly, a little angry at Eddie for disappearing without thinking about anyone else.

“Yeah, maybe,” Steve said, smiling tightly. “We’re still going to find him and take him home. We have a gig tomorrow, you see.” He finished and turned away, done with James. He knew this type of guy and Steve wasn’t about to engage with that because he knew it would be a waste of their time.

But James wasn’t about to let them go that easily, and before Steve could even take one step, he felt big hands wrapping around his wrist and holding him in place. Fucking hell.

The rest of it was pure reflex. Steve pulled his arm back, pushing James with his free hand and quickly moving forward, bumping their chests together. This was the most ridiculous thing he had ever done, as if he was a dog trying to piss on his property, but from the sharp smile on James’ face, he was loving it.

Which should be enough to let Steve know what kind of person he was.

“I see,” James said, staying put as Steve stared down at him. “Eddie has pulled his cute disappearing act on me more than once, you know? It took him almost 3 years, but he found his way back to me again, just like I knew he would.”

“Steve, let it go,” he heard Robin saying from behind him, but his brain was not willing to cooperate and James seemed to know that. He seemed to be eager to push the right buttons that would make Steve snap.

“I knew since the first time I saw pictures of the two of you that he had caught you under his little web. You two make a cute couple,” James said, a lopsided grin spreading across his face that said he didn’t really think that. “But I wouldn’t be surprised if he were through with you. Eddie loves to pretend he’s something he’s not, and I think when I’m around he just remembers exactly who he is.”

“Watch it,” Steve warned and James laughed as if this was just a game.

“I wouldn’t keep my hopes up if I were you, pretty boy. I’m sure Eddie is locked in a bathroom with some dick down his–”

Steve blinked. And then James was on the ground and Steve’s knuckles were tingling, blood blooming from the points of contact with James’ face.

“Asshole,” Steve muttered and felt Jeff holding him back even if he had already gotten the one punch he wanted. “You keep his name out of your mouth.”

“Oh, there it is, Steve Harrington in the flesh,” James said from the ground. His hand was massaging his jaw where Steve hit him and he looked almost amused.

Maybe it was whatever drugs he had in his system. Maybe the guy was just a psychopath, but then Robin was there, hand on his shoulder and pulling him away.

“We’re leaving. Thanks for your time,” she said, not an ounce of gratitude in her words. As they left the room, James barked a laugh that made Steve’s blood boil even more.

The four of them stopped right outside the room and Steve sighed, shaking his hand that was now starting to hurt.

“I’m just gonna go clean this up real quick,” Steve said and he saw in Robin’s face that she wanted to protest, but she nodded.

“We’re going to take another look around and if we don’t find him, we’ll reconvene and try somewhere else,” Jeff said, already moving with Gareth into a different room.

Robin stood where she was, unwilling to leave Steve. Probably afraid Steve was going back to keep fighting with James, but Steve felt one good punch was all he needed to get that guy out of his system. He was a loser and an asshole and arguing with him wouldn’t make any difference now. It sure wouldn’t help him find Eddie.

The closest bathroom was right next to a big mirror and Steve let himself peek at his reflection for a second. He looked like a mess. Tired, his hair starting to get flat from the many times he had run his hand through it in the past hour, and bags under his eyes.

He was stressed and anxious and he knew Eddie couldn’t be much better and that was why he needed to find him.

He tried opening the bathroom door with his right hand and felt a sting of pain irradiating from his knuckles to his entire arm before he remembered he had just punched a guy.

Opening it with his left hand wasn’t easy, and he was so focused on the action that it took Steve a second to notice something was off in that bathroom.

It was big and white and perfectly illuminated.

And it wasn’t fucking empty.

x

The first thing Steve saw was red.

The perfectly white tiles were stained red with blood.

They were forming a small trail of blood, going from the sink to a horrifying scene near the bathtub.

Eddie was there, lying on the floor, a big gash in his forehead and for a full second Steve had to repeat to himself that was probably the reason for all that blood.

Steve snapped out of his trance, scrambling to get to him, kneeling on the ground with much more force than he expected and feeling pain irradiating from his knees. He ignored it, because it didn’t matter. All that mattered was getting to Eddie, touching Eddie, seeing if Eddie was…

Breathing.

Steve felt like the world had crumbled around him. He placed his hand on Eddie’s chest and felt the barely there movement of his chest going up and down. His own lungs felt constricted, as if there wasn’t enough air in the world for him.

“Eddie,” he said, voice trembling almost as much as his hands. “Wake up, baby.”

Eddie’s face was covered in blood as Steve held it up, urging him to open his eyes. Everything felt too much right now and he didn’t understand what had happened. How it had happened.

He needed…

He needed–

“Steve,” Robin said, her voice low to hide how scared she was. But she was there, right next to Steve, kneeling next to him and touching Eddie just how he had, to make sure he wasn’t– “Jeff! Gareth! Call 911.”

Steve wasn’t sure what happened after that. He just held Eddie close, staining his clothes with his blood irreversibly, but unwilling to let him go. He couldn’t. Look what had happened in the hour they had been apart.

He had almost lost Eddie.

He knew people were moving around them. He could hear chatting, but couldn’t make out any of the words. The music stopped at some point, but Steve wasn’t sure when that had happened.

And Robin was there. She kept checking in on him while also doing other things around the bathroom.

When the paramedics finally came, Steve’s arms were tight and sore from staying in the same position for so long and they had to separate them, as Steve didn’t think he was capable of letting Eddie go.

“Do you wanna ride with him?” Robin asked softly next to him, her eyes a little red from crying.

Steve thought long and hard about that. He knew what his father was going to say, if the two of them were seen together in the hospital, and he knew how fast news travelled so by the time Eddie got there, the place would be swarming with paparazzi.

And he didn’t care about his father. But as he watched the paramedics checking in on Eddie, hooking him up with fluids and prodding him with needles and who knew what else, Steve came to a horrible realization.

The only reason why Eddie was lying there, hurt and unconscious, was him. Steve was the reason he left the hotel the way he did, trying to find something else to occupy his mind.

In fact, Steve was to blame for a lot of things. Eddie had been sad and heartbroken for a while, today had just been the last drop on a fucking overfilled glass.

So what good would he be doing, joining Eddie in the ambulance and at the hospital?

“I’m good. I don’t think I should go with him,” Steve said, and he could feel every pair of eyes on him. But Robin must’ve seen something else in his face because she just nodded and pointed at Jeff to go with Eddie.

“Then you can help me clean this up,” she said, pushing a plastic bag into his hands.

He didn’t question her, as much as he found it weird that they were messing with the accident scene. Wouldn’t there be an investigation to determine how Eddie had hurt himself? Steve was still in shock, but a part of him kind of wanted to see that James dude go down for this shit.

But as he looked into the trash, he could see tiny bags. One with pills and another with some white powder residue and Steve didn’t get it until Eddie was out of the hospital and being taken to a rehabilitation clinic.

He didn’t get it until Robin sat down with him to talk and explain that, yeah, Eddie had been struggling. He had been abusing alcohol and those painkillers he got after he injured his hand. Eddie was an addict and there were a lot of things that triggered that self-destructive behavior of his, and Eddie’s doctors back at the clinic thought Steve was one of those triggers.

Steve didn’t get it, not until it was too late. But Eddie was out of danger and in a path of recovery, and Steve would be damned if he would ever trigger Eddie again.

Even if it meant he could never be with him.

x

August 29th, 1997

The LA Times

Truth Unveiled

After 8 years of theories and speculations, one of the biggest mysteries of the music industry has finally been revealed.

With a couple of shows left on their national tour in 1989, Corroded Coffin went into a hiatus that didn’t have much explanation at the time. In all their statements after that, the band and their team insisted it was a hard decision, made to avoid complications for the band members in the future and that they would be focusing on themselves for a while before working on new music.

That hiatus lasted 8 years, and it finally came to an end when they announced their new national tour, right along with Steve Harrington.

The new tour has been getting some good traction, with sold-out shows across the country and good reviews everywhere, including a full spread on Rolling Stone Magazine.

But this week, The LA Times received from a trustworthy source some important information about what really went down.

On the night of November 28th, 1989, Eddie Munson left the hotel he was staying with his band to join James McGee from metal band Sonic Death at his party in a different hotel. The party went on into the night and as everyone had fun, Munson found his way into some pills and coke.

According to our source, he overdosed and hit his head on the edge of the bathtub and was later on found by none other than Steve Harrington. It’s unclear if Harrington was already at the party or if he was also doing drugs with Munson.

The musician was later committed to a rehab clinic in a city a few hours from LA, where he stayed for almost 6 months before finally getting released in June of 1990.

It’s still unclear why Corroded Coffin waited 7 years to reunite again.

x

Undisclosed Location, 1990

(Eddie is 22, Steve is 21)

Steve had completely lost track of how long he had been sitting in that car, parked in front of the rehab clinic Eddie had been admitted to two months ago, thinking if he should go in or not.

The memories from the night of Eddie’s overdose were still fresh in his mind, clouding his judgment.

He still remembered how it felt to see him like that, bleeding on the ground. He remembered how it felt to hold Eddie in his arms, the stickiness of his blood getting everywhere on Steve’s clothes and skin.

How it took Steve almost an hour in the shower to scrub every single drop of blood from off him. How he still felt dirty after it. How he laid awake in his bed that night thinking if he was doing the right thing by not going to Eddie when he needed him the most.

But Steve was determined not to be the bad thing in Eddie’s life. He knew Eddie had made his own fair share of mistakes, but Steve couldn’t help to think about his. How he had denied Eddie the things he wanted. How he had made him go through more than he could take, just because he wasn’t brave enough to stand up to Richard.

He knew H&H were all over Eddie right now. He knew that the second he set foot in that clinic, if he even got that far, Richard would know about it the very same second. Knew those doctors and nurses were wrapped around Richard’s fingers, answering to every single one of his demands about Eddie.

Maybe the only good thing to come of it was how much Richard wanted to bury that story. People knew rockstars did drugs and drank way too much alcohol and were ready to look past it and accept it as just consequences of the life they led. But an addict? Oh no, that would be front page news for a long time.

And not only would it stain Corroded Coffin’s reputation for life, it would put H&H in a tight spot, given how young the three of them were. There would be an investigation and Richard was too smart to want anyone sniffing around on his business.

Obviously he wasn’t doing that for Eddie’s sake, but it was working that way for now, which was exactly the reason why Steve was so unsure about going in to see Eddie. He was so fucking scared he was going to ruin all the progress Eddie had made on those months they stayed apart.

Gareth had called him last week.

He said he and Jeff had tried visiting Eddie two weeks in a row, and on both occasions they had been turned down at the door. Gareth called Richard asking if there was a problem, saying they were careful not to be followed by anyone and everything, but Richard said the two of them were cleared at the clinic.

If they hadn’t been let in, that was because Eddie didn’t want to see them.

Gareth had tried to hide how hurt he was because of that, but Steve could hear it clearly through the phone. He imagined it wasn’t easy for them either, especially given how the three of them had been friends for such a long time.

“You should go see him,” Gareth said. “Maybe you’ll have better luck.”

Steve’s laugh came out hollow. “I doubt that very much. I’m probably the last person he wants to see right now.”

Steve hadn’t had time to tell them about the ring, but they knew something had happened between them, and that was one of the things that tipped Eddie off the ledge. If they judged Steve because of it, they hid it pretty well.

Even though he was unsure about seeing Eddie, Steve found himself driving all the way to the clinic, a good hour and a half drive from LA if you were lucky with traffic. He drove in silence, trying to gather his thoughts and figure out what was the best move right now.

Richard hadn’t said anything to Steve about the whole Eddie situation, but Steve had been doing this for far too long for him not to know what was expected of him.

He was supposed to keep his head down and move on. Pretend he had a good enough reason to cancel his tour, work on new music and potentially have a new album in a few months. Richard’s assistant had even called Steve a while back to ask him when he was planning to schedule some studio time.

Steve also knew that expectations weren’t only directed at him. Corroded Coffin’s sales were skyrocketing and sometimes he eavesdropped on calls and heard Richard debating about an early comeback, as soon as Eddie was out of the clinic.

He couldn’t imagine Eddie going back to music that soon, just like he couldn’t physically make himself play anything. He hadn’t touched a guitar since the day Eddie had gone to the hospital, and there was a desperate part of him that thought maybe seeing him and talking to him would fix everything.

But there was another part of him that knew he had done enough.

He kept replaying fight after fight with Eddie. The way he had had front row tickets to Eddie’s slow descent into this crisis, and how he could’ve prevented it from happening so many times, and he still did nothing. He thought about the innumerous times he had gone to find Eddie in a random bar, empty bottles all around him. How Steve should’ve done something.

He should’ve stood up for himself and for Eddie’s sake, too. He should’ve realized how everything, from the pressure of the tour to Eddie seeing Steve and Chrissy together even if they weren’t really together, was only making everything worse.

Steve should’ve known better.

And worst of all, he knew how much of this was his fault and he still couldn’t help but resent Eddie. Couldn’t help but feel angry at him for letting it get this bad. He had always known Eddie was one stubborn son of a bitch but fucking hell, why hadn’t he ask for help?

He knew that if he walked inside that clinic, he would need to be ready to let go of every bit of anger he was feeling because that wouldn’t do anyone any good. It wouldn’t help one bit. And as much as he wanted to, because fuck, he wanted to see Eddie so bad, Steve wasn’t sure if he was capable of that right now.

He hadn’t been able to properly sleep in months. Sometimes he napped during the day just to wake up drenched in sweat, head pounding with the images of Eddie bleeding on the floor. The constant fear of him not getting there when he had, being too late.

Of Eddie being gone forever.

With this mix of feelings, it was impossible to know what would happen if he were to go inside. He would see Eddie, and that would be so nice. To touch him, to watch him breathing, knowing he was ok. He was alive. But what would Steve do with the constant fear that he was going to trigger it again? That if they fought again, Eddie would go find comfort in the bottom of a bottle again.

He couldn’t do that to him. Not again. No matter how much he needed to see him.

Eddie should have time to heal himself. And he should be allowed to stay away from the things that hurt him and if that was Steve, then he was ok with it.

If Eddie reached out to him, Steve would be back in a heartbeat. Wouldn’t ever leave his side again. But he wouldn’t impose his presence. Wouldn’t risk it, because it wasn’t worth it.

So as much as it hurt him, Steve put the car on drive and maneuvered it out of the parking space he had been sitting in for the past 40 minutes. He glanced at the clinic again and in his heart, he believed the shadow he could see in one of the windows was Eddie. That he was happy and healing.

That he didn’t want Steve anymore.

Steve drove away that day, hoping Eddie would find a way to be ok again, and hoping that he would, too.

x

New York City, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

This is not the same.

It’s not the fucking same.

Then why the hell did it feel the same?

Steve was pacing his hotel room, chest tight as he tried not to get carried away imagining all the worst case scenarios. He tried to reason Eddie’s disappearance in any way that wouldn’t end with him lying on a bathroom floor, bleeding and unresponsive.

They couldn’t go through that again because Steve knew for a fact that he wouldn’t survive.

Not again.

He had talked to who knew how many crew members as soon as he got back to the venue after the OD news got out. He had watched his own father handle a lot of different crises at this point and he knew how to do it, didn’t even need to call him–especially since he was sure Richard wouldn’t be jumping to help Eddie out this time.

Steve had just forgotten this was Eddie and Eddie was fragile and impulsive and frankly impossible to control.

Even if Steve had told someone–he was sure he had told someone when he handed them the magazine– that they shouldn’t let Eddie out of their sight and that he would be back soon.

He had been gone for half an hour and now no one knew where Eddie fucking went and Steve had to be careful not to freak out because that would only make Eddie lash out like it always did.

Hence why he was pacing his hotel room back and forth and hoping Eddie wasn’t planning to stay out all night.

Steve picked the phone, unsure on who to call. Robin would always be his first choice, but he didn’t want to alarm her and he knew it would.

He was about to dial Chrissy, hoping that she was still awake in whatever time zone she was, when he heard the telltale sound of the hotel door unlocking.

Steve was up in less than a second, facing the door and feeling relief coursing through him as Eddie appeared in the doorway, a brown bag in his hand and a defeated expression.

Eddie had barely finished closing the door and Steve was on him, arms wrapping around his body and pulling him close if only to try and prove to his brain that Eddie was fine. He was fine, standing in his hotel room, breathing.

“I was worried,” Steve said, letting out a long sigh as Eddie’s body relaxed against him. He felt his face burying on his shoulder and just stood there, holding him.

“Sorry,” Eddie said, words getting muffled by Steve’s skin. “I should’ve said something, I’m sorry.”

“It’s ok, baby. It’s ok,” Steve said, though he wasn’t sure if he was repeating it for Eddie’s or his own sake. “We’re ok. Right? We’re ok?”

He felt Eddie chuckling. “We’re ok, Stevie.”

Steve finally let go of him to wipe at his face, knowing he probably looked pathetic crying for something so dumb, be he didn’t care. Couldn’t care about that when Eddie was ok.

“Shh, babe, it’s ok,” Eddie said, finally dropping the bag and closing the space between them. Eddie wiped his thumb on Steve’s cheek. “I’m sorry I made you worry, I just…”

Steve bit his lip. “I don’t mean to sound… Where did you go?”

Eddie looked down at the forgotten bag. “McDonalds. Needed to clear my head.”

Steve nodded. He didn’t care. He didn’t. If Eddie had asked him to go to hell with him, Steve would’ve done it without thinking.

“I get it. And I don’t want you to worry, ok? We’re gonna handle this together and it’s going to be fine.” Steve promised and Eddie just nodded, holding his face in his hands.

“It’s my problem, Steve. I can–”

“We’re doing this together. Ok? You and me, we’re fixing this. I don’t know how just yet, but we’re gonna figure it out and we’re going to be ok.”

Steve didn’t want to argue right now, but he was done letting Eddie think he was alone and that he should handle things alone. He knew that was Eddie’s take when Steve didn’t reach out after the overdose and he wasn’t about to let that happen again.

Eddie needed to know Steve was there for him, no matter what.

“I got you, baby,” Steve said, and instead of saying something, Eddie just leaned in and kissed him.

Kissing Eddie felt like a supernova exploding.

It still felt the same as it did 7 years ago, but also brand new, somehow.

Eddie’s lips were a little chapped from the cold, but he was warm and inviting as he swiped his tongue into Steve’s mouth so he could deepen the kiss.

Steve felt a moan growing in the back of his throat as he let his hands slide down until he was holding Eddie by the waist, pulling him closer as they kissed like it was the first time.

Fuck, how he missed him.

He felt Eddie’s hand moving from his face to the nape of his neck, fingers intertwining with his hair, pulling it slightly the way Eddie knew he liked. And then, he was gone. Completely gone for him.

Like he had been since the first time he laid eyes on Eddie.

This kiss was more than he would’ve expected. It was built up with years of resentment and anger. A pent up need to have the other in their arms again. A familiar taste mixed with so many new things. But most of all, it was pure need. It was 7 years of missing Eddie, all exploding in the mix of their breaths and the touch of their lips.

“Fuck, Eddie,” Steve said when he had to come up for air. Eddie’s face was flushed, lips swollen and he was panting, pupils completely blown out and Steve had no doubt in his mind that if he were to press the heel of his hand on Eddie’s crotch he would find him semi-hard, pre-cum already staining his underwear.

And fuck, he wanted it.

“Bed?” Eddie asked, eyes falling to Steve’s lips as if he was debating kissing him again even if that meant they probably wouldn’t make their way to the bed after all.

“Clothes first. I need you naked right now.”

The good thing about Eddie was that he knew how to follow directions.

They untangled themselves for each other and then pieces of clothing started flying all over the room as they moved towards the bed. Steve was sure he wasn’t going to last long, but he was hoping Eddie would be willing to go a few times in a row.

They had to make up for too much time.

“Stevie, how can you…” Eddie said as soon as Steve’s legs hit the bed and he sat on it, his dick already hard, hitting his belly. “Fuck, fuck, fuck. I need…”

Eddie didn’t finish his sentence, but the way he dropped to his knees, moving until he was facing Steve’s dick, gave him a pretty good idea of what he needed. And Steve wasn’t going to complain.

He barely gave Steve any time to think, then he was licking a stripe on the underside of Steve’s dick up to the head, before swallowing him in one go. Steve let out a moan, his right hand finding Eddie’s hair and wrapping it around his curls, unsure if he wanted to push or pull.

Eddie moaned around him, tongue swirling the way he knew drove Steve crazy and Steve could barely do anything other than buck his hips and hope he wasn’t about to embarrass himself coming in less than five seconds.

Not that Eddie would mind, but Steve wanted this to last a little.

“I love your mouth,” Steve said, earning another moan from Eddie, who was now moving his head up and down, getting Steve’s dick wet and impossibly hard and making his insides feel all tight and warm. “P-please, Eddie.”

That seemed to have the opposite reaction, as Eddie let go of his dick with a loud pop. His lips were spit slick and he swiped his arm to clean it.

“I don’t even know what I want to do with you,” Eddie admitted, sitting back on his heels and sighing as if this was hard. It wasn’t.

“Whatever you want,” Steve replied, unashamed of how slutty he sounded. Eddie had always loved him like this. Desperate and needy and ready for whatever Eddie wanted to give him.

“I know. That’s the problem, baby. I don’t know what I want, now that I got you. I’ve dreamed about this so many times.”

Steve chuckled. He couldn’t judge Eddie because he had done it himself countless times. But he wasn’t about to admit to it. Not just yet.

“Having filthy dreams about me now, Munson?” He teased, delighted with the eye-roll he got out of Eddie. “You can have me anyway you want, baby. Just gotta choose.”

Eddie groaned in response, fingers pressing his temples.

“You’re evil, Harrington. Has anyone ever told you that?”

Steve chuckled. “Once or twice, yeah.”

Eddie let out a long sigh, moving his hand to wrap around his own dick and pumping it a few times, just to take the edge off. Steve knew that very well, how many times Eddie had done that so he would last a while longer. So he could get lost inside of Steve for as long as he could handle.

When Eddie looked back up at Steve, Steve knew he had made up his mind.

“I want you to ride me, Stevie,” Eddie said, and Steve wasn’t ashamed to admit he almost came right there. Eddie’s words had so much power over him it was insane.

“Then you better get on the bed,” Steve said and watched with rapt attention as Eddie got up, his hard dick bobbing up and slightly to the left, glistening with the pre-cum Eddie had just spread with his hands.

With the way they were desperate for each other, you would think they would move faster than the speed of light, but Eddie seemed to be going in slow motion, leaning in and holding Steve’s jaw so they could kiss, slow and filthy.

Steve moaned against Eddie’s mouth, feeling him nipping at his bottom lip with his teeth. He reached his hand and wrapped it around Eddie’s erection, pumping it a few times just to feel him squirming.

If Steve was being honest, he could get Eddie off like this right now and it would still be the best thing ever. Sex with Eddie always was and he knew why.

Knew his feelings played a big part in him being into it. How he had never felt a real connection to anyone he had fucked until Eddie. How Eddie always knew what he wanted and how to give it to him just right.

He could cum just from looking at Eddie and imagining him doing things to him. He could cum from hearing Eddie’s voice, in his ear on through the phone. In a song, even, but he wouldn’t admit that out loud ever.

Eddie was the first to snap out of their sex trance, pulling Steve’s hand away and looking at him with a lopsided smile.

“As much as this feels nice, sweetheart, I wanna be inside of you. And I want you to cum with me, as you ride me the way only you can.”

Steve smiled too, getting up and kissing him on the lips once again, chaste and quick.

“Go on then, before I change my mind,” Steve said, his hand slapping Eddie’s ass cheek playfully and earning himself a delicious laugh.

Sex was never more than a transaction for Steve. Not until Eddie.

Eddie made it fun and filthy and sexy and real and Steve kind of loved him for it.

No, not kind of.

He loved him for it.

The words hung from his lips as Eddie moved to the bed, cute ass swaying as he moved, a tiny red circle forming where Steve’s hand had just rested.

He knew those words would be out of his mouth sooner rather than later. He wanted to say it. He wanted to tell Eddie there hadn’t been one miserable day where he hadn’t loved him for the past 7 years.

He wanted to tell him that the second he fell in love with Eddie he knew it was going to be forevermore.

But Eddie was sitting in bed, back against the headrest and legs splayed out as he touched himself. This could wait at least until they had both cum. Maybe Steve would whisper it into Eddie’s ear as they fucked for the second time, tangled in the sheets, Eddie hugging him from behind the way they both loved so much.

“Touch yourself for me again, baby. I wanna see,” Steve asked, voice going as down as possible. Eddie complied, smiling as he pumped his hand up and down, eyes closing as his head fell back. “Gorgeous. Wanna open me up or should I?”

Eddie’s eyes opened slowly. He was slipping so fast Steve was amazed that he hadn’t cum yet.

“Baby, if I get my fingers in you I’m not going to last.”

Steve chuckled. He was debating asking Eddie to do it anyway.

“Stevie, c’mon. I want to look at your beautiful face as I fuck you. You can play with me later.”

Eddie knew him so well.

“Fine. Stop touching yourself then, or that thing will explode and I’m going to have to wait and I’m not feeling especially patient today,” Steve said and Eddie stopped at once. “Do you have lube?”

Eddie nodded. “Thought you would never ask. It’s in my pants’ back pocket.”

“Did you play the entire show with a packet of lube in your pocket, baby?” Steve teased and Eddie bit his lip.

“Oh, I was hoping you would let me spend my pent up energy with you, sweetheart.”

God. Steve loved this. He loved talking dirty with Eddie, stretching it as far as they could before they orgasmed, knowing it would feel better. Knowing how Eddie’s words worked on him.

Steve wanted to jump him. He was almost giving up on the lube entirely based just on how much he needed Eddie to be inside of him, but he was older and wiser and he knew that if he didn’t open himself the right way this wouldn’t be as fun as it could be.

He winked at Eddie and turned around, knowing his eyes would be fixed on Steve’s ass and making sure he was moving his hips as much as he could. Maybe he was trying to drive him crazy.

Eddie’s pants were crumpled in a corner next to the door and Steve picked them up, patting the pockets carefully until he found the one he was looking for. He reached inside of it and pulled the lube packet, feeling a second one falling from his hands.

Steve put the pants aside and crouched to get it. He could definitely get it done with just one, but he knew they wouldn’t be satisfied with just one go and he didn’t want to have to get up from the bed to get more lube later on.

The problem was that the second packet wasn’t lube at all.

Steve lifted it up so he could take a better look at it, even if he already knew what it was, just from the weight.

When the light hit the tiny plastic bag, he saw the big white pills, and everything was ruined.

Chapter Text

New York City, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

Stupid.

Fucking Stupid.

Eddie didn’t remember the last time he had been this stupid.

He also didn’t remember the last time he and Steve had such a nasty fight.

In fact, he was pretty sure it had never been this bad.

Their fights in their twenties were usually passive aggressive comments and seeing who could ignore the other for longer before jumping in bed and pretending sex would fix everything. Fights in their thirties seemed to be going in the same direction minus the sex, but that probably had more to do with the fact that Eddie had lost the privilege of having Steve in his bed after he almost killed himself, than anything else.

Sure, sometimes they would go at each other, say hurtful stuff to get it off of their chests, but not like this.

Eddie didn’t think he had ever seen Steve this mad.

It had been awkward, too, because they were both naked and it took Eddie a minute to understand what was happening once Steve started picking his clothes up. He wouldn’t meet his eyes, wouldn’t say a fucking word no matter how many times Eddie asked him what was wrong and then, when he finally did, Eddie wished he hadn’t.

Steve had thrown the pill bag on the bed, in front of a naked Eddie, and finally locked eyes with him. His usually warm, soft eyes almost froze Eddie on the spot. There was a mix of disappointment and anger that made Eddie want to curl in on himself and disappear.

He asked Steve to let him explain, even as his brain scrambled to find a good enough explanation for it, but Steve wasn’t having it.

I thought you were better now, Steve said.

Why the fuck would you do something like that to us, Steve asked.

I thought you were more than a fucking junkie, Steve spat out.

And that was when Eddie exploded. Didn’t Steve understand? Couldn’t he put himself in Eddie’s shoes for once and understand how awful it was to see your face printed in the biggest newspaper of the country, with everyone calling you a junkie.

When even your ex-boyfriend and current whatever this was couldn’t see past that fucking word?

All Eddie had done so far was try, and he failed every single time. But more than failing anyone else, he failed himself over and over and over again.

And when he saw that headline, when he read his name and all the nasty things everyone was saying, he needed to prove to himself he wasn’t that bad. He wasn’t a junkie, and he wasn’t a lost cause.

He had bought the pills. He had gone to an old acquaintance and bought the pills because he had thought it would help. He had thought holding the thing in his hands, feeling the weight of it and remembering how it was the thing that controlled his life for so long. That was the thing that ruined his life. If he remembered all that and he just threw it away, he would prove to himself he wasn’t all the things they were saying he was.

But what good would it do when Steve was looking at him the same way everyone else did? What good would it do if Steve would never believe him? If Steve would jump to conclusions faster than anyone else?

Maybe Eddie also had said some things he regretted. But it was hard keeping a straight face when the man you loved thought so little of you.

Steve had left with a slamming door and Eddie’s heart in pieces.

Eddie had proceeded to do what he was supposed to do with those stupid pills, getting up, still naked, and flushing them down the toilet. He watched as they got swallowed by the water, thinking how ironic that that had ruined his life not once, but twice.

x

Los Angeles, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

“This is too pathetic,”

“I know. But what do we do?”

“I don’t know, but I can’t watch it anymore. Like I cannot watch it–”

“I can hear you.”

Eddie pushed the comforter away from his face and faced the ceiling thinking what crimes he had committed in past lives to be forced to deal with two way-too-worried best friends that abused their front-door key privileges.

“We know. That’s exactly why we’re here,” Jeff said, much more cheerful that he had any right to be.

Gareth, at least, pretended to be embarrassed about the whole thing.

“We’re just worried about you, is all,” he said, and Eddie looked at them just in time to see him nudging Jeff with his shoulder as if that would fix 30 years of passive aggressive behavior.

“Sure,” Eddie said, finally sitting on the bed and crossing his arms in front of his body. “Let’s all brainstorm how to unfuck my fucked life.”

Gareth chuckled and sat on the bed, reaching his hand to touch Eddie’s leg.

“Your life’s not fucked, man. It just needs… adjusting.”

Jeff snorted and sat next to him, looking at Eddie with a stern expression.

“I know it’s easier to hide in here and wait for it to pass. But you’ve been hiding for almost 7 years and we let you because we thought it was the best for you, but if there’s something these past months showed me was that we were wrong,” Jeff said, his voice even so Eddie wouldn’t think he was messing around. “I honestly thought being holed up in that hotel was the best thing for you. You were keeping yourself out of trouble and that was the best me and Gareth could hope for. But we missed our best friend, Eddie. We missed you. And watching you get out of your shell these past months has been eye-opening.”

Eddie felt his throat constricting and tears pooling up in his eyes.

“Guys, I’m so–”

“Don’t you dare,” Gareth interrupted. “Jeff’s right. We missed you and we thought we were doing right by you letting you hide away, but we know now we were wrong. We should’ve been at your hotel every day pestering you until you let us in. Hell, I should’ve camped outside that fucking clinic until you let me in–”

“What do you mean?” Eddie said, sniffing. He looked so pathetic when he cried.

“I mean, we get why you didn’t want to see us but we–”

“I didn’t want to see you? You didn’t want to see me! I had to sit with the rejects every day during visiting hours because no one came to see me.”

There was a long silence while the three of them absorbed this new information. Maybe they should’ve communicated better back then. Maybe Eddie should’ve called and begged, but he was so mortified by what he had done that he didn’t know how he would ever face his friends again.

He had been so sure everyone was better off without him he hadn’t even stopped to consider that might not be true at all.

“I’m gonna kill him,” Jeff said, the first to break out of their trance. “Richard has fucked with us one time too many and I’m done.”

Eddie appreciated the sentiment, but he knew by now Richard was untouchable. He had been doing this for far too long for any of them to be able to do anything.

“It’s ok,” Eddie said, offering his hand to Jeff. “Honestly, we should’ve known. We’ve known Richard long enough to know he’s capable of anything to get what he wants. But it’s fine. I don’t think I have the energy to be upset anymore. I’m just happy that you’re here.”

That seemed to do the trick. Gareth and Jeff both moved on the bed until they could sandwich Eddie between them in a group hug. It was nice to be held like that. To have his best friends there, knowing there was nothing in the world that would keep them apart anymore.

“So we’re just gonna accept it? And what, work for him for the rest of our lives? Let him get the best of it?” Jeff asked and Eddie sighed, knowing it would be hard to convince Jeff to drop it.

“We just have two more albums to go,” Gareth said. “Maybe it won’t be that bad. We could do a double release and get it over with and then cut ties with him.”

Eddie clicked his tongue, thinking. It killed him to know Richard would be profiting off of them for a long time after everything was said and done, but maybe they could rush through things and get it over with.

He had been trying to avoid reading anything about himself in the newspaper, but he knew Jeff was too much of a control freak not to. He knew his reputation wasn’t the best, so maybe there was a way out there, if they could swing it.

Maybe they could start playing by Richard’s rules and see where that took them.

After a little brainstorming session, Jeff sighed and said, “You’re not gonna like it,” exchanging looks with Gareth as if they had discussed that before. “But I think I know how to fix it.”

x

Invariably, when there was a knock on Eddie’s door and he wasn’t expecting anyone, his heart would do this stupid loop in his chest, shooting through his body a growing feeling of hope that the person behind his front door was going to be Steve.

Steve had been radio silent since their big fight in New York, and maybe Eddie had been too much of a coward to properly call him, but at the same time, Eddie didn’t know if he was in a place to forgive him or to ask for forgiveness.

Maybe the two of them had fooled each other all this time, thinking they were meant to be together. Maybe this was nothing more than a misunderstanding. Just two people who, yeah, liked to fuck like rabbits, but who was to say that was enough to constitute true love or whatever?

Eddie was doing his best not to be too pessimistic about everything, but his life was pretty shitty right now and he had spent way too much time pining over Steve.

All that to say that deep down, he knew the person knocking on his door wasn’t going to be Steve, obviously. He just didn’t expect to see Chrissy there.

“Hey, uh, sorry to come by unannounced,” she said, looking down sheepishly. “Can we talk?”

This definitely had not been on Eddie’s bingo card.

Robin had reached out a few times, mostly to talk about the band and whatever their next steps were. She didn’t mention Steve, and Eddie didn’t ask, unsure if he would even want to know what she had to say.

Robin was loyal to Steve on a molecular level, and Eddie wasn’t dumb enough to question it. She probably knew everything that Eddie had said to him and honestly, the fact she hadn’t showed up at his house to stab him yet showed a lot of self-restraint on her part.

Chrissy, on the other hand, could probably stay away from Eddie for the rest of her life and no one would blame her.

“Y-yeah, of course. Come on in,” he said, as soon as his brain had recovered from the shock.

Without a word, Chrissy followed him into the kitchen, sitting down on the stool he offered her. She stayed quiet as she watched Eddie move around his still too empty kitchen. At least he had a glass to offer water in, thanks to Gareth.

In the back of his head, he considered offering something stronger, but then again, he wasn’t sure why Chrissy was here, let alone how long she planned to stay.

“Thanks,” she murmured, grabbing the glass and wrapping both her tiny hands around it. Eddie had this bad habit of noticing things in Chrissy, of comparing himself to her every chance he got, as if that would somehow prove he was better than her.

He wasn’t, of course. Chrissy didn’t even have to try that hard since Eddie was such a mess.

“Of course. Uh, you…” he started to say, unsure on how to proceed. The two of them had orbited around each other for a long time, but Eddie couldn’t remember if there was even a moment when they were alone together.

Probably not.

“I’m not going to take too much of your time,” she said, just to be polite. Eddie was pretty sure she knew he had nothing better to do other than mope around the house.

“It’s fine,” he said, and she smiled.

“You doing ok?”

Wasn’t that the million dollar question? Eddie wasn’t sure. Things were definitely better than they were a few days ago, seeing how he was getting out of bed and showering every day. His overdose was still being widely discussed everywhere, but if Eddie just didn’t turn on the TV, then it was almost like it didn’t matter.

“Could be worse,” he answered, and Chrissy pressed her lips together. She was never one to enjoy Eddie’s self-deprecating humor. “You ok? Did something happen?”

“No!” She said quickly. “Robin always said you were a worrier.”

Eddie couldn’t argue with that.

“As much as I like your company, I’m assuming you didn’t come here just because you felt sorry for me.”

Chrissy rolled her eyes and Eddie counted that as a win. She was always so nice, but he knew it was just an act. She had learned to be that way because that was what people expected from a tiny blonde model.

“I don’t feel sorry for you. I just worry about you. We all do,” Chrissy answered, and Eddie tried not to get his hopes up. He wasn’t dumb. He knew Steve worried about him, but that didn’t mean Steve wanted him in his life.

“Thank you. But you don’t have to. I’m doing ok,” he answered, and was kind of surprised by how much he meant it.

He wasn’t great. Of course he wasn’t. But he knew what rock bottom looked like. Knew it looked like an empty room in a sterile clinic where no one ever came to visit. Knew it looked like full isolation, no desire to play music.

That wasn’t it.

This was just a bump on the road, hopefully.

Eddie expected to make a full recovery.

“I can see that,” she said, smiling and looking around. “Though your house might need a few more… things.”

Eddie let out a genuine laugh, and it was Chrissy’s turn to look proud of the reaction. Damn. He had tried his best to avoid thinking about Chrissy, but it was impossible to deny she was kind of cool.

“Hey!” He protested, just for fun. “I’m not hearing you volunteering to help. Buying house stuff is so boring.”

“It is not!” Chrissy said, offended. That girl surely had a fire in her. “It is the most fun. Going to Ikea is like going to an amusement park when you’re six. If you have the right company, that is.”

Eddie laughed, trying to imagine that. He and Steve, going to Ikea together, fighting over what couch they should get. Robin would pitch in, of course, because she would be using that couch more than any of them. Chrissy would be there, too, holding hands with Robin and being the only one to actually make sane decisions.

“Yeah,” he said, feeling a sudden sadness that he would never get to have that. “Maybe you’re right.”

Even without him saying it, Chrissy seemed to know what he was thinking. Maybe it was some kind of superpower. She smiled at him, a soft, sad smile, and placed her hand on top of his as if that was something they did.

“You know. If you ever need a wing-woman at Ikea, I’m your girl,” she said and Eddie appreciated it. She had no obligation to be there, saying all those nice things to him.

Eddie had been nothing but a jerk to her and here she was, trying to make him feel better for something that was his own fault.

“Thank you,” he said, feeling a lump form in his throat.

Having been isolated for so long had made Eddie forget what it was like to actually connect with people. To have someone he could count on to do something as mundane as going furniture shopping. He still got surprised when Jeff and Gareth showed up unannounced saying they were doing Chinese take-out and a movie and that Eddie couldn’t say no.

They were just now realizing Eddie kind of needed them to push the boundaries of their friendship again, otherwise he was just going to self-isolate again, and they were doing it as if it was that easy.

And with Chrissy there, still holding his hand, Eddie was starting to think maybe it was.

“As much as I would love to discuss interior designing with you. There’s something else I came to tell you,” Chrissy said, sobering up her expression a little.

Uh-oh. Had Eddie done something wrong? Were they about to have a fight after being friends for, what? Five minutes?

“Oh, ok. Should I… be scared?” he asked and Chrissy’s eyes widened.

“No! Oh my god, of course not. It’s just… I wasn’t really around when… you know. And after, when Robin and I got together, that was off-limits. I had a general picture. Something bad had happened that night and I knew you ended up in the hospital because Steve had constant nightmares about that. I… shit, maybe I shouldn’t be saying that–”

Eddie wasn’t sure what she was going to tell him, but he was desperate for her to share anything she could about Steve.

“No. Please… just… whatever you wanna tell me,” he said, moving his hand so he could interlock their fingers.

Chrissy sighed, nodding. “They never told me, ok? I didn’t know. But Eddie… I’m so sorry. If I had known…”

“There was nothing you could’ve done,” he said, and he knew it to be true. No one could help him back then, because Eddie didn’t want them to.

He was a little surprised that they hadn’t told her. Sure, everyone wanted to keep it a secret, but Chrissy was Robin’s plus one. She was so close to Steve it was weird to think he would keep something like that from her.

“Maybe… that’s not true. I… Eddie, you have to understand I didn’t know. I didn’t know you and Steve fought constantly because of me. I didn’t know you… disliked me.”

“That’s alright,” Eddie said, trying to comfort her. For some reason, Chrissy knowing how much Eddie hated her back then didn’t sit right with him. “I was a jerk. It’s better that you didn’t know.”

“No! It wasn’t. Because if I had known… I didn’t know you would see my things along with Steve’s. I didn’t know he had kept my things for me. And I didn’t know you would find the ring.”

Oh. That wasn’t the direction Eddie thought this would go.

“Chrissy…”

“No, wait. Let me say this. I heard Steve and Robin talking last week. About that day. I don’t think I’ve ever heard them talking about it, but I guess seeing it in the news is messing with everyone’s head. And I wasn’t trying to eavesdrop, but the house has an open floor plan and fucking amazing acoustics. Guess Steve really was thinking about music when he got the house, but anyway… it’s hard to keep a secret there. And that was the first time I heard about the ring. And I didn’t even need to hear everything to know what had happened.”

Eddie clicked his tongue. Why on earth would Steve not tell her what had happened to her ring?

“Listen, Chrissy. I’m sorry. I wasn’t in a good place back then and when I saw the ring I just… lost it. I think it hit me, that Steve and I, we could never be together. Not the way he could be with someone else. And I know it’s not an excuse, but I was sad, and heartbroken, and I just wanted to feel better. So I sold your ring.”

Chrissy frowned. “You what?”

“I sold your ring. I’m sorry, like I said, I know it’s not–”

“You sold my ring?”

Eddie sighed. Was he not being clear enough?

“Yeah. I was just angry. And I can totally buy you a new one, we can go right now and you can choose one.”

“Eddie,” she said. “Eddie, look at me.”

Eddie was reluctant. Didn’t want to face her, but he owed her that, at least. God, he was a jerk.

“You didn’t sell my ring.”

It was Eddie’s turn to frown. “I’m pretty sure I did. Even used the money to buy–”

“No. You didn’t sell my ring because that wasn’t my ring.”

“What?” Eddie was trying his hardest to keep up, but he was so confused while Chrissy looked like a kid on Christmas morning.

“That wasn’t my ring,” she said again, as if that made any sense. “It was yours.”

“What?”

Eddie’s head was reeling. That didn’t make any sense, but Chrissy seemed so sure about it.

“God. Did you not know? I’m going to murder Steve Harrington,” she said, and Eddie was still having a hard time keeping up.

“I…”

“Eddie,” she said again, her expression getting more serious. She got up from the stool and moved closer to where Eddie was, pulling her hand from his so she could hold his face. “Listen to me. That ring was meant for you. It was yours, not mine. It was always supposed to be yours. Steve asked me to keep it safe while he figured out how he was going to propose and that’s the only reason why it was in my things.”

Chrissy held him and watched his face carefully while Eddie let the words sink in.

That almost didn’t make sense, but at the same time… it sort of did.

“You sure?”

“Am I sure that Steve wasn’t going to propose to me? Of course I am. Richard wanted him to. The whole ring shopping started off as his idea, and Robin told Steve it would be funny if he went but got a ring for you instead. Steve didn’t even think about it. He said he knew you were the one from the first time he saw you and the ring was just a formality, but you know Steve. After he gets an idea… And then we talked about it. I told him I could be his fake-fiancé if he needed me to. I was already in love with Robin, to be honest, and I knew that whatever made Steve happy would make her happy too.”

Eddie had no other option but to let Chrissy rant about the whole thing as he tried to keep up. The ring was meant for him and Steve wanted to propose.

“He said no. Didn’t even have to think about it. He knew proposing to someone else was a line he wouldn’t cross, and I respected him for that. I know… I know Steve’s not perfect, Eddie. I watched it from the front row as he tried to figure stuff out, with himself, his sexuality, and the fact that he loved you and his father didn’t approve of it. I know you know that, but Steve is such a people pleaser. It’s hard for him. It’s no excuse, I know. I just… he loves you. So much. And he wanted to marry you.”

She finally let go of him, falling back on the stool as if she had spent all her energy with that speech. Eddie stared ahead at the wall, trying to organize his thoughts.

Steve was going to propose? Steve was going to propose and then Eddie freaked out and stole the ring and sold it and had an overdose and ruined everything.

Jesus fucking Christ. It was no wonder Steve spent 7 years without talking to him. If it were Eddie, he would be so pissed.

“I’m so dumb,” Eddie said, and Chrissy was there again, shaking her head.

“You’re not. Steve’s dumb. Well, maybe you’re a little dumb since you’re in love with him,” she paused and thought about it. “You are in love with him, right?”

Eddie chuckled. “Yeah. Yeah, I am in love with him. Have been for such a long time, I don’t even know what it feels like not to love Steve Harrington.”

Chrissy smiled. “Good. That’s good.”

“I don’t know about that,” Eddie said, remembering their fight, the way Steve looked at him. “I think I might’ve fucked things up for good this time.”

“I doubt that. If you’re anything like Steve, I know you’re overdramatic and a little stubborn. It’s fine, I think it’s charming. He’ll come around. And so will you. And you two are going to find a way back to each other. You did it after an overdose and 7 years apart.”

She definitely wasn’t lying. They had found each other after Eddie did the unthinkable. Steve had even sort of forgiven him after that. Had fallen back into him.

Maybe there was still hope.

“C’mon,” Chrissy said, after a minute. Eddie had been lost in thought and he felt like he had missed something.

“Where?”

She smiled at him, a bright, sweet smile.

“IKEA. You gotta get some martini glasses. And then we’re going to make some mocktails and you’ll tell me all about how you’re going to win Steve back.”

Eddie chuckled. “How do you know I even have a plan?”

She smiled mischievously. “Oh, Eddie. I know more about you than you think. Living with Steve Harrington for four years means even knowing where you have a birthmark. Now c’mon. I’ll call a taxi.”

Eddie blushed thinking about Steve, just talking about Eddie non-stop for four years. He thought about Steve buying a ring for Eddie. Planning the perfect way to propose.

He thought about saying yes to spending the rest of his days with Steve and all of a sudden that was all Eddie needed.

But first, yeah, mocktails with Chrissy sounded like a good idea.

x

November 28th, 1997

GQ Magazine

The Story by Nancy Wheeler

On the 8th year anniversary of his overdose, rockstar Eddie Munson opens his heart–and his house– and talks about it in the most vulnerable way.

When I get to the mansion in the heart of Beverly Hills, Eddie Munson is already waiting for me on his doorstep, barefoot and with his hair tied in a knot. We won’t be taking any pictures today, but not everyone is willing to be seen like that by a reporter.

His house is big and there’s a noticeable lack of furniture in some rooms, but as we walk to the living room, Eddie assures me he’s working on it. Even mentions that Victoria’s Secret’s Chrissy Cunningham has been helping him with some of that.

'Have you ever heard of IKEA?' he asks me as if that’s not one of the biggest stores in the country right now.

When we finally get to the living room, it looks lived in. Maybe a little too much, even, but Eddie doesn’t seem bothered by that. He motions to an acoustic guitar and some papers in a corner and tells me he’s been working on Corroded Coffin’s third studio album.

The album had been on a hiatus since 1989, but Eddie tells me they are keeping a few of the old songs and adding some new ones.

'It will be sort of a mix of our old selves and who we are now. I really like what we have so far and I think the fans will too. It tells our story, after all.'

'Can you tell us what the album is going to be called?'

'I just did,' he laughs. 'Our story. We haven’t informed H&H yet, though, but I don’t see us giving up that name.'

Eddie is pretty easy to talk to. We’ve known each other for years due to our personal connections, but I don’t think I’ve ever spent so much time talking to him by myself. On the outside, he might seem like a tough guy. Always dressed in black and full of chains, but Eddie is truly a sweetheart.

He tells me more about the upcoming album and how it has been weird going back to composing and just writing about the same things he did when he was in his twenties.

'I always thought that I had a certain time frame to write about the things we did. Falling in love and having my heart broken, I thought those would end when I turned 30.’

'Why’d feel that?'

'Because I thought I would be with… that person for a long time by then. And then I would have to find different things to write about, because who wants to hear a song about me loving the same guy over and over?'

'Wouldn’t he?' I ask, and Eddie chuckles awkwardly.

He’s not as comfortable talking about this as he was talking about his music in general so I ask him if he wants to switch subjects, but he shakes his head.

'I’ve been keeping him to myself for a long time and I just want to love him out in the open, you know? He deserves that much.' He says, looking at his guitar. 'Back then, he was the first one to hear every song I wrote about him and it was one of my favorite things, to see the way his face would light up when he realized it was about him. I mean, I never stood a chance. He’s good like that. But the first time he asked me ten times if it really was about him.'

'And this time?'

'This time he’s not going to be the first one to hear it. And when he does, I’m probably not going to be around. I’m not even going to know if he heard it or not, and I can’t really blame him.'

'Is it because of the overdose?' I ask and Eddie closes his eyes as if he needs to psych himself up to talk about it.

'Yes, it’s because of the overdose. I think… I pushed him away, back then. Didn’t know how to ask for help, I guess. And I was hurting so much I felt like I needed to punish the people around me for something that I was the only one that could fix. That sort of… broke us. But I had a second chance, after so many years, and I blew that up too. I think the album will tell you exactly that story, too.'

I ask him if he can play one of the songs for me and, believe it or not, Eddie seems a little shy about it, but he says yes and moves to pick up his guitar. He tells me the song will probably sound different with the full band, but right now it’s just an acoustic version of a love ballad.

I can hear the pain in his voice, and he sings it with his eyes closed. It’s a song about grieving a relationship and not getting over it. Of knowing you’d always go back to that if you could, and that makes you feel sort of frozen in time.

It’s a beautiful song.

'Thank you. It’s very personal to me. I actually started writing it the day they broke the news of my overdose.'

Eddie’s being polite. His overdose was leaked after being kept a secret for almost eight years, and it was a huge invasion of his privacy that we do not condone. He deserves to keep some things to himself if he wants to, and we all know battling with sobriety is not an easy task, especially with so many eyes on you.

'If you listen to it closely, you’ll see how it can go both ways. I felt frozen because of this relationship, because I knew I could never truly get over it. Him. It’s hard to get over the love of your life. But also because there was this dark cloud hanging over me, this fear that people would find out eventually and then the world was gonna end. The world did not end. And I’m finally unstuck. I’m free.'

x

Los Angeles, 1997

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 29)

“I am never volunteering again,” Gareth said as he walked inside Eddie’s house, one very rough looking Rolling Stone’s copy in hands.

Gareth didn’t have to go out to buy the magazine, but the three of them had agreed it was a bad idea for Eddie to be the one to go, if only because everyone wanted a piece of him now.

The second Nancy’s interview hit the shelves, it was sold out, hence why Eddie was only getting a copy a week later. She said she was going to mail him one once she got around to it, but after helping Steve come out a few months ago and now, letting Eddie talk about love, grief and addiction in one of the biggest magazines in the country, Nancy was requested everywhere.

She was going to make editor in no time, Eddie knew it, and he couldn’t help but feel proud.

Nancy had always been Steve’s mean ex. Not because she had been mean to Steve, but because she always was to Eddie, but later he figured it was just 'cause she liked him and wasn’t sure how to show it. She was weird like that, which only made Eddie like her more.

Robin kept saying Nancy and Eddie had more in common than they imagined and now, after spending almost an entire day with her, Eddie could kind of see it.

“At least you got it,” Jeff said, reaching his hand to get the magazine.

Up close, it looked even worse, and when Eddie looked at Gareth with an eyebrow raised, he simply threw his hands and sighed.

“I had to physically battle with an old lady for this one. We’ll frame the one Nancy mails you, after you sign it. Who knows when we’ll need the money,” Gareth said, letting himself fall on the couch.

“Probably when it’s time to pay little Annie’s college tuition,” Eddie said, earning a laugh from both his friends.

Jess was pretty pregnant by now, showing and everything, and Gareth had just told them they were having a girl, which for some reason made all the sense in the world. Eddie was over the moon for them, and more than ready to spoil her.

Between him, who didn’t really want kids right now, and Jeff who went through three different hook-ups each week, Annie was bound to be the only kid in the band for a while.

The spread was nice, filled with Eddie’s pictures from various years, including one from the Golden Years tour, that Eddie simply adored. He looked so happy in it, and he remembered clearly when it had been taken. In Nashville, when Steve had hugged him right before their set, making Eddie’s inside all mushy.

God, he missed him.

“We’ll read it later,” Eddie announced, mostly because he did not want to be there while his best friends read his deepest and darkest secrets and thoughts. Yeah, maybe the entire country was doing exactly that, but there was something about Gareth and Jeff knowing how Eddie felt during those years that made his stomach turn in an unpleasant way.

Eddie knew they were happy for him, that he was standing up for himself. In fact, Jeff was the one to suggest it in the first place, which led Eddie to believe that, deep down, the two of them already knew how much everything had messed with Eddie’s head.

He had resisted it for a moment there, thinking exactly of that. He wasn’t as afraid of the world knowing how isolated and alone he had felt during those years, but he was terrified of his best friends knowing it and how that would hurt them.

But he knew the world should hear all about Richard Harrington and his abusive behaviors towards Eddie, Corroded Coffin and Steve. If that was happening to them, a ‘big’ band, Eddie could only imagine what went on with smaller bands. He needed to do that. And he knew that would have consequences and it would affect his friends, but it was a small price to pay.

Eddie also knew his isolation was partially his fault. He had been pushing people away for as long as he could remember, unable to accept help even when he needed it. But there was a part of him that had just expected people to fight harder for him. To try harder. He had expected that from his friends, even if he was unable to voice it at the time.

That wasn’t going to be a pleasant conversation to have, but Eddie knew they would find a way to forgive each other and move on. They were mature enough to talk about things without fighting and to resolve their issues together. Eddie just wanted to buy some more time for himself before dealing with it.

“Fine, let’s get to work,” Jeff said, dropping the magazine on the coffee table and picking up his notebook.

They were currently working on finishing 'Our Story', but there were already a few songs that they knew were going to make their way to their next album instead. It wasn’t exactly set in stone, but the three of them were dying to give H&H what they wanted, two more albums, and then they were going to end their contract and spend the next months figuring out their next steps.

It was their luck that after Eddie’s interview he was becoming more popular, whereas Richard Harrington was losing favour each week. Rumors were flying all around about other people wanting to come forward to report some toxic behavior that would corroborate with Eddie’s story, even though he hadn’t exactly name dropped him anywhere. He hadn’t lost his mind just yet.

They had even heard that Richard could lose H&H entirely if he didn’t turn things around soon, but honestly, Eddie doubted that very much. Richard was powerful and way too smart to go down because of someone like Eddie. It was a nice thought, either way.

“What do you have for us today?” Gareth asked, getting comfortable next to Jeff.

Usually their brainstorming went like this: Eddie would share some ideas he had, sometimes a full song, sometimes bits and pieces, and Jeff and Gareth would help him translate all of that into sounds somehow. He absolutely loved doing that because it made him feel closer to them, in a way. Like they were walking inside Eddie’s brain and translating everything in there into something other people could understand.

“Same old, same old,” Eddie said, looking down at his own notepad and reading the words that had kept him up during the night.

How he and Steve were destined to crash and burn. How he ignored every single bad omen and still expected a different outcome as if life hadn’t been trying to tell him something the whole time.

“Shoot,” Gareth said, closing his eyes. He always did this while Eddie recited words, and it was kind of amazing to watch him create music out of nothing.

If anything, Eddie would be grateful for this mess just because it brought them together again, and he didn’t think he would survive life without Gareth and Jeff in it.

x

Los Angeles, 1998

(Eddie is 30, Steve is 30)

“Sometimes I wish you would lose my number,” Robin said as she approached Eddie. He looked up at her, and not to sound too emotional, but he couldn’t remember ever being happier to see her.

“No, you don’t,” Eddie said, getting up from the bench he had been sitting on for the past two hours and waiting impatiently while the police officer unlocked the cell door. “Who else would call you in the middle of the night to get bailed out of prison?”

Robin rolled her eyes, uncrossing her arms and tossing Eddie his belongings all stuffed in a plastic bag. Eddie offered the officer a sheepish smile before following Robin out.

At the reception, Eddie watched as Robin signed his release papers and noticed the young girl behind the counter couldn’t take her eyes off of him. He waved and she giggled in return.

“Do you want an autograph or something?” Robin asked without taking her eyes from the paper and the girl only giggled harder.

“If it’s not too much of a hassle,” she said, already going through her purse and taking out a Corroded Coffin CD. Eddie snorted and moved forward, grabbing the pen Robin was offering him.

She rolled her eyes again, but Eddie knew this act. Knew it was her way of showing affection.

“I couldn’t believe it when I saw you walking in. I’ve been listening to this on repeat ever since you guys announced the comeback,” the girl said, her smiling growing bigger.

“Did you go to one of our gigs?” he asked, putting the insert back in and sliding the cd back to her. She just shook her head, eyes focused on the object in front of her as if it was the most amazing thing in the world. “Call the office tomorrow and leave your name and number. I’ll make sure you get some tickets for our next LA date, alright?”

She beamed at him and thanked him profusely while Robin had to physically drag him through the station's front door.

“We’re stopping at Wendy’s and you’re buying,” she said, unlocking her car and getting in without bothering to look at him. Eddie smiled and nodded, getting on the passenger seat.

x

Maybe the thing that brought them here, to that one Wendy’s at almost 5 in the morning, wasn’t necessarily nice, but Eddie couldn’t help thinking he was actually enjoying this time with Robin.

He had grown used to having her around when he was with Steve and obviously, Steve had left a gigantic gap in his life in the years they didn’t speak to each other, but talking to Robin now, while devouring a greasy hamburger, was making him realize just how much he had missed her.

Robin was so different from most people Eddie knew, but they had a few things in common and talking to her was always fun. She was one of the most loyal people Eddie had ever met and if it weren’t for him messing things up, he knew Robin would go to the end of the world to help him if he needed it.

Actually, the fact that she was here now when she could’ve stayed in her place and ignored Eddie’s call showed just how loyal she was.

“I really appreciate you saving my ass,” Eddie said, folding a paper napkin over and over just so he could avoid looking at her face. Just 'cause it was true didn’t mean it was easy being this open with Robin Buckley.

“I’m just doing my job,” she said, and Eddie looked at her, feeling a little outraged, but she was smiling. “It’s not a big deal.”

It was a big deal, though.

“If you say so,” he said, smiling back because they both knew the truth.

“You can pay me back by telling me what the fuck happened,” she said, slurping her drink and making an annoying sound.

“Sure. You’ll read it in the papers tomorrow anyway,” he said, shrugging. “I was minding my own business, as one tends to do on a Wednesday night. It just seems people have a bad habit of thinking my business is also their business.”

Eddie tried to sound as neutral as possible, but he knew his voice was betraying him. He was still upset about the whole thing, how it had happened and how he had reacted. Mostly on how he had essentially been backed up into a corner.

“Is it still bad?” Robin asked, frowning. He had told her a while back that he was being harassed non-stop but after a while it had seemed to have gotten better. Silly him for thinking that.

“Maybe it’s worse? I don’t know. Before, they were camping in front of my house, but at least it was easier to avoid them. Sunglasses and a cap and just walking as fast as I could to my car would be enough. But it seems that with the speculations and bullshit theories, everyone keeps waiting for me to relapse.”

Robin sighed loudly, letting out a low 'shit' and Eddie could honestly echo her right now. He had been trying to be cool about it because he knew it was coming. He had seven years to prepare for this and still… seemed like it wasn’t enough.

“So tonight, you know. Things haven’t been easy. I…” Eddie sighed, burying his face in his hands for a second. He didn’t mean to sound dramatic. “I miss him. So much. And he won’t return my calls. Won’t send me a smoke signal. Nothing. I just… I know he’s your friend and I know I deserve it but I–”

“He is my friend,” Robin said and Eddie was under the impression he had gone too far. He knew it was a possibility when talking about Steve to her, but he needed to let it out, at least a little. “And that’s exactly why I can tell you he’s being shitty. You’ve been through something and you don’t deserve this. Any of it.”

Eddie looked up, blinking slowly to try to keep his tears at bay. Robin was pursing her lips, stretching her hand so she could grab his.

“I’m struggling. Not… not like that, ok? I know what it cost me the first time, and I don’t feel like going there again.”

“Good,” Robin said, voice a little rough. “But if you ever think about it, you have my number. And you know I’ll pick it up any time of day or night.”

Eddie felt his eyes welling up again. Robin wasn’t the best with tears, but he was sure she would understand it this time. After so many years of feeling alone, having this was more than he could take.

“Thanks,” he said, giving himself a minute to recompose. “But as I was saying. I’ve been trying to cope and sometimes coping means eating a pint of ice cream by myself while watching something really sad.”

That earned a chuckle from Robin, and it made Eddie realize she hadn’t let go of his hand just yet.

“I was trying to quietly leave the 7/11, minding my own business as usual, and I got jumped by this pap who wouldn’t leave me the fuck alone. I told him over and over and he kept asking all these questions. Who was the guy, was he still in the picture. A lot of different bullshit. And usually, I’ll just blast some music and ignore it, but I forgot my earphones, and I had to listen to him while trying to pretend I wasn’t seeing him even though he was flashing my face like a lunatic to try to break me. And then he fucking asked me if I had ever fucked Steve and I just… I lost it.”

Eddie couldn’t face Robin. He knew it was bad. Not only the fact that he couldn’t ignore the guy, but that he chose to stop ignoring him when he mentioned Steve. But she tugged at his hand until he looked up and she didn’t seem too upset.

“He’s a jerk, Eddie,” she said, sounding very serious.

“I punched him in the face,” Eddie said, groaning in defeat.

Robin chuckled. “He fucking deserved it.”

Eddie squeezed her hand. “Still. It’s not going to be pretty, is it?”

She clicked her tongue and released his hand, leaning back on her chair and crossing her arms.

“You know it won’t. But we’ll handle it, just like we did everything else so far. You could’ve gone out with just the OD thing and we turned that around. I’m sure we’ll find a way.”

Eddie bit his lower lip, looking at her. “I’m cool facing the consequences of my own actions. I did it before and I’m sure as hell will do it again. I just didn’t want it to splatter on Steve in any way. He hates me already and he doesn’t need more shit piling up because of me.”

Robin smiled sympathetically, tapping her fingers on her arm, considering. She seemed like she wanted to say a lot of things, but ended up deciding against it. She pulled out her purse, picking up a notepad and started going through it and talking to herself. It would be weird, if Eddie didn’t know her so well.

“I’ll drop you off and I’ll make some calls. I’m sure 'Eddie Munson takes matters in his own hands' is a good enough headline as it is. We have some bargain power if we can promise an exclusive once the new album gets announced. It’ll be fine.”

Eddie sighed relieved for the first time all night. He knew calling Robin was the right choice for more than one reason and he was, once again, glad that he still knew her number by heart.

“Thank you. For that and… everything else,” he said, but it seemed Robin was done with sappiness. She just batted her hand and got up, ready to go.

Eddie wouldn’t have minded hanging out with her a little longer, but he was starting to feel really tired from staying up most of the night and his bed was sounding really nice right now. Maybe he’d call her later to see if she would have dinner with him sometime that wasn’t in the middle of the night or right after bailing him out of prison.

Chapter Text

Los Angeles, 1998

(Eddie is 31, Steve is 30)

Between working on Corroded Coffin’s new album, his newfound friendship with both Chrissy and Robin, and a big influx of people wanting something from him, Eddie’s life went on.

Without Steve.

It wasn’t the first time he had needed to move on. To keep walking, eyes forward even when all he wanted was to look back. He had managed to do it once, all on his own, and he had no doubt he would do it again.

The difference was that he wasn’t alone this time.

That didn’t mean he didn’t miss Steve. He had just learned how to live with the dull ache that his absence left inside of him.

But today, out of all days, it felt a little harder to move on.

Eddie had always missed Steve the most on his birthday.

The thing was… he barely had time to acknowledge the feeling pulsing in his chest. His alarm had gone off way too early that day, and Eddie had gone on from one thing to the other and now it was almost 5pm and he was just now realizing he had totally forgotten about lunch.

Robin had asked early in the week if he was sure he wanted to do so many things on his birthday, but Eddie assured her he didn’t mind. He had a photoshoot for an upcoming magazine spread paired with a few interviews, still reminiscent of his Nancy interview.

In the past months, Eddie had been building something, and he was proud to say he was well on his way to becoming an advocate against abusive behavior from labels and managers. Eddie had been speaking up about it, testing the limits of Richard’s patience, and so far he was doing ok.

Richard was keeping his silence, probably too afraid of the backlash if he tried to confront Eddie and Corroded Coffin.

Eddie knew it was a matter of time, but that only meant he was going to use the time he got before Richard shut everything down. And that was exactly what he was doing.

Today’s interview had been about all that, and how every day fellow artists were reaching out to Eddie about situations they had been through. Insane work hours, unattainable goals and abusive contracts were just the tip of the iceberg, and Eddie was set on fighting it, even if it meant his music career had an expiration date.

He didn’t think people would be lining up to sign him after he was done with Richard, but he was ok with it. And he knew Jeff and Gareth were right there with him.

When his last interview of the day wrapped, Eddie was tired. So fucking tired. He moved slowly through his dressing room, gathering his things and making sure he hadn’t left anything behind. He then walked quietly to the backdoor, where a town car was waiting for him.

He couldn’t complain about Robin’s efficiency. She was good at her job, which wasn’t really a surprise. Even when she was giving Eddie a hard time, she did her best to keep it professional.

And that was why her presence inside the town car was a little surprising. But not all that unpleasant. Eddie was proud to say he and Robin had been building something that almost resembled friendship for the past months.

“Hey,” he said, voice a little hoarse from all the talking he had done. He knew he was going to need to nebulize as soon as he got home. And maybe work on those vocal exercises he’d been avoiding the whole week.

“Hi. Happy birthday,” she said, smiling at him. It warmed his heart, how genuine she sounded.

“Thank you,” he said, smiling back. Eddie took his place right beside Robin and the driver started the car, even without clear instructions.

Which should definitely clue Eddie in that something was up. That and the fact that as much as he and Robin were almost friends, he didn’t think she would just show up to say happy birthday to him. She would call. She would send him a really expensive breakfast basket.

She wouldn’t show up to accompany him home.

But Eddie was tired and his brain had been on the whole day and for the entirety of the forty minute drive from the studio to his house in Beverly Hills, Eddie enjoyed a friendly silence with Robin. She had a big bag with her and was doing some paperwork, humming along with the low music that came from the radio and not for the first time, Eddie felt grateful for her friendship.

Up until now he hadn’t realized how lonely he felt.

It wasn’t an everyday thing, if he was being honest. There were days where he would enjoy the peace and quiet of his house. There were days Gareth and Jeff’s presence would be more than enough to soothe him and there were even times that Chrissy would drag him outside for a couple of hours and all that felt good.

But Eddie didn’t remember the last time he had spent his birthday with someone that actually knew him. That was probably back in 89, before everything went down.

In the quiet of the car, Robin looked up at Eddie and caught him staring. She smiled and winked right before going back to her papers and Eddie let his body relax against the soft leather of the seat, feeling the ache subsiding for once.

x

San Francisco, 1989

(Eddie is 22, Steve is 21)

Eddie was never one to celebrate his birthday, if he was being honest. His parents never cared too much about it and Wayne rarely had time, and even when he did, they rarely had the money, so Eddie grew up singing Happy Birthday at midnight and blowing at the lighter, just happy that Wayne was still employed.

He had never told anyone at school when his birthday was, and even the guys took a long while to realize Eddie never talked about it. It was probably the fourth birthday he attended at Gareth’s house before one of them brought it up.

The fact that Eddie Munson didn’t seem to have a birthday.

That was why it never occurred to him that birthdays were a big deal to Steve.

He had had his fair share of missed birthdays. Days he was too busy working, shooting back to back when he was younger or getting ready for a show after he started to venture on music. But he liked birthdays. Eddie didn’t really understand that, so when they had a conversation about birthdays, what, six months ago, he didn’t think too much of it.

He should have.

“Where are we going?” Eddie asked for the fourteenth time that day. Steve smirked, eyes hidden behind his ray-bans as he drove the most flashy car Eddie had ever seen in his entire life.

“Be patient, baby. Didn’t I tell you it’s a surprise?” Steve said from behind the wheel. The car was an orange convertible and Steve had made a point of putting the hoodie down so they could feel the breeze in their faces.

Eddie had to put his hair in a bun so he wouldn’t look absolutely insane when they got to wherever they were going, but Steve had been right. It did feel nice.

“Fine,” he said, stretching his hand so he could place it on Steve’s thigh. Steve looked quickly at him and smiled again. Eddie might have no idea where Steve was taking him, but it was enough that Steve was positively gleaming about it.

He was such a people pleaser and there was no denying Steve liked to give out things. He liked to take Eddie places and to make him happy and Eddie couldn’t really say he disliked it.

In fact, he loved it.

He loved Steve Harrington with everything he got.

He didn’t have the chance to tell Steve at the time, but his 22nd birthday had been the one he cherished the most. It had been just him and Steve, an entire weekend to themselves in a mansion Steve had rented near San Francisco. No one knew where they were that weekend so no one bothered them.

It was just the two of them, eating, watching shitty things on TV and making love to each other.

Eddie had never felt happier in his life.

x

Los Angeles, 1998

(Eddie is 31, Steve is 30)

In all honesty, Eddie should’ve seen it coming.

But the drive home with Robin had been so peaceful that by the time they got to his house his brain was all static and no logical thinking.

No even when Robin followed him inside even though she should be going to her house.

That was why when Gareth, Jeff, Chrissy and a bunch of staff from H&H jumped out from behind his furniture, he almost lost his shit.

Eddie was surprised.

“Happy birthday!” Gareth yelled after everyone was done laughing, and he approached his best friend, smiling at the way he was still holding his jacket right above his heart. “You’re so dramatic.”

Eddie let Gareth embrace him in a tight hug, and finally relaxed once his brain understood he wasn’t getting murdered or anything.

Well, maybe Gareth was right and Eddie was a bit dramatic.

There were around 15 people at his house and Eddie pretended not to feel the disappointment when he confirmed that none of them were Steve.

Not that he expected Steve to show up here after months of complete silence, but it would’ve been nice.

Still, he pretended his heart wasn’t torn in two as he accepted greetings and hugs from everyone in there, and he even smiled as people sang happy birthday before blowing out the candle on top of a beautiful cake that he later learned had been baked by Chrissy.

“She insisted,” Robin said as he brought a huge bite of cake to her mouth. When Eddie averted his eyes at Chrissy, standing right next to her girlfriend, he could see a dusty pink shade blooming on her face and he smirked.

They were cute together.

“You didn’t have to do all that,” Eddie said, getting interrupted by his own moan around the cake bite. If Chrissy wasn’t already a successful model Eddie would insist she needed to be a baker. That cake tasted like heaven.

“I know,” Robin said, smiling at him. “I still did it.”

Eddie looked down, feeling just a tiny bit self-conscious. He didn’t think he deserved any of that when he had been such a shitty person for most of his life, but he was trying to let people do nice things for him. He was trying to let people get close to him again, hoping he wouldn’t end up alone ever again.

Those had been some dark times, and even if the person he wanted to see the most wasn’t around, Eddie was still extremely grateful that this year, after so many lonely ones, he had people to celebrate his birthday with.

“Yeah, well,” he said, looking at Robin and then at Chrissy. “Thank you. Both of you. I don’t… Thank you.”

Chrissy leaned in and placed a kiss on his cheek, saying he didn’t need to thank them and Eddie felt his own face getting warm. He looked at Robin and she was smiling as if she just knew everything that Eddie was feeling.

She often did.

x

As happy as he was with everyone’s presence, Eddie couldn’t begin to describe the relief he felt once he closed the door behind his guests, drowning the house in complete silence for the first time in hours.

He was incredibly thankful for the company and for all the trouble everyone had gone through to celebrate his birthday with him, but Eddie was tired after a long day and he couldn’t wait to enjoy some peace and quiet.

Chrissy had told him she would come around the next morning to help him clean up if he wanted, and he said he would call her, so he pointedly ignored the kitchen and living area where everyone had been a few moments ago and forced himself to take a shower.

He would be more than happy to just crash in his bed and sleep for twelve hours, but the make-up had been bothering him, and his hair smelled like too much hairspray and a nice, warm shower would soothe his aching joints, and maybe his aching heart, too.

After the shower he did feel better, altough he was still tired as fuck, and decided to just grab a glass of water before going to bed.

His kitchen really looked like 15 people had just been there, with plates and glasses everywhere. Chrissy had at least been sweet enough to put the cake in the fridge saying he would thank her later, because cold cake was always the best option for breakfast after a birthday party.

Eddie grabbed his water and right before taking a sip he remembered his throat had been bothering him and he probably shouldn’t drink anything cold. He walked to the sink to get some room temperature water and that was when he saw it.

He didn’t understand how he hadn’t seen it before because it was huge and it was right in the middle of his kitchen counter, surrounded by used glasses and dirty silverware as if it had been there the entire time even though Eddie was pretty sure that was impossible.

How he would’ve missed the biggest flower bouquet he had seen in his life?

It was a Poppy bouquet, with black and red flowers mixed in, and it was big. It took almost half of his counter, and Eddie kept blinking at it as if it was just going to disappear right in front of his eyes.

He must be hallucinating, right?

Eddie forgot all about the water, leaving his glass behind as he approached the flowers, careful as if they were going to bite him.

They wouldn’t. Probably. Unless this was one of Richard’s plans to get rid of him. He could picture the headlines: Famous rockstar dies tragically eaten by man-eating poppy bouquet in his own home.

He laughed at himself. He might not be imagining the flowers but he was on the verge of delusion alright.

Eddie reached one of his hands, touching one of the flowers delicately with his fingers. It was soft and, up this close, he could smell the faint perfume they exhaled.

It was nice.

As he looked for a note, he felt his heart beating faster with expectation. He knew it couldn’t be, and he knew he was setting himself up for disappointment once again, but it was impossible to pretend there wasn’t a big part of him wishing and hoping those were from…

He found the note. It was tucked deep between the flowers and he struggled a bit before managing to pull it out. It was a simple white card and Eddie opened it with shaking hands, his heart almost giving in once he read it.

Happy birthday,

I’m sorry.

xxx,

Steve

He read it again and again and again until the words stopped meaning anything.

Eddie wasn’t sure they even meant it all that much to begin with.

Steve hadn’t forgotten his birthday.

He might’ve not been there, but he had been thinking about Eddie. Enough to send him those flowers. Enough to… apologize?

Eddie wasn’t even sure what he was apologizing for. He wasn’t even sure if he was ready to forgive Steve. Not after he called him a junkie. Not after he disappeared from his life completely as if Eddie didn’t mean anything.

But even as he turned around and walked to his bedroom, note secure in his hand, he knew his heart was giving in. Knew his brain was fighting it, demanding more than a dumb apology over a note that probably hadn’t even been written by Steve himself, but his heart was more than halfway done with all the bullshit.

His heart was ready to forgive Steve Harrington, even if Eddie wasn’t.

x

Two weeks after his birthday, Eddie still hadn’t heard from Steve.

He thought he was gonna call the next day. Apologize in person or through the phone. Ask Eddie to talk.

He didn’t.

He thought Steve might’ve read the interview, what Eddie had said about him, and that had made him realize he couldn’t live without Eddie, but by now it seemed pretty obvious that Steve was doing just fine, wherever he was.

Back when he was in rehab, Eddie would make a game out of seeing Steve getting photographed by paps. It was kind of a masochistic game, if he was honest, but at least meant he got to see Steve. Steve living his life. Steve going to the gym.

Funnily enough, after the overdose, Steve’s pictures with girls had stopped completely. At the time, Eddie had thought it was because of Chrissy and the impending marriage proposal, but looking at it now it was kind of obvious it was because of him.

Steve had finally realized how much that hurt Eddie. How that had pushed him over the edge. He had no idea how Steve had convinced Richard to stop it, but he felt some sympathy for him at the time.

And that was the exact reason why Eddie was getting kind of nervous that Steve had seemingly dropped from the face of the earth completely when it came to newspapers and magazines.

He tried not to think about it.

He tried not to think about Steve.

But it was kind of impossible.

It was particularly difficult late at night, when Eddie’s thoughts were being oppressive and loud and he was all alone in the darkness of his room with sheets that didn’t smell like Steve, no matter how much he wanted them to.

He thought about calling him.

Maybe after the flowers and the apology note, Steve would pick up the damn phone. Maybe he wasn’t sure if Eddie would forgive him and was giving him space.

Maybe Eddie should just find out for himself.

Who was he kidding, though? He was a coward.

He didn’t call. He didn’t show up at Steve’s house demanding answers.

But that didn’t mean he didn’t think about Steve.

Tonight was proving to be pretty hard, if he was being honest. Not only was he missing Steve like he did every fucking day, but they were supposed to show their almost finished songs to Richard the next day.

Eddie was happy with how the songs turned out and how the album was shaping up to be. He was confident and excited about it. Putting out new music after so long. Sharing his darkest, deepest thoughts now that everyone knew about his overdose.

He knew people were going to lose their minds over it. Knew there was a song in there that told them exactly how it had happened. How he had lost himself to his vices and the numbness and how that had almost killed him.

How he was crawling his way up to the surface every day, ever since.

The thing was… he had no idea how Richard was going to react.

There had been some sort of shift at H&H after Eddie’s overdose leaked. It had been slow, at first, but lately it seemed like a completely different place. Everyone seemed… happier, somehow. The mood all around wasn’t dreadful or weird anymore, and everyone who had heard the songs Corroded Coffin had made for the new album said it was genius.

Amazing. Incredible. Out of this world.

Sure, they were part of the process and were probably a little biased, but Eddie felt good. And he knew Jeff and Gareth felt good, too.

He just had a feeling about Richard not being as happy.

Whatever. He just needed a good night of sleep to face whatever the day was going to throw at him.

But he had been tossing and turning for over a hour already and as much as his body was ready for bed, his brain didn’t seem to be catching up to it. Still going at full speed even as he tried to still it. To make it stop.

Usually, when he got like this, there was only one thing that could make him stop.

Eddie opened his eyes, staring at his ceiling and trying to think if he was really going to do it.

He wasn’t made of steel or anything, but Eddie had been so busy and so stressed for the past months that this kind of self-care had slipped his mind completely. Eddie hadn’t masturbated ever since…

Great.

Now it was the only thing he could think about.

That and Steve, of course.

Because invariably, Steve was the object of his self-care sessions. Steve up on the stage, all sweaty and gorgeous. Steve naked in his bed, all sweaty and whining and begging.

Shit. If Eddie didn’t do this now, he wouldn’t be able to stop thinking about it and there was no way he was going to be able to concentrate on his meeting if he kept thinking about Steve and about getting himself off.

“Fuck it,” Eddie said to himself, pushing the blankets off of him.

He tried not to think about the day he had last seen Steve because it usually came with its own set of feelings. Sadness. Guilt. Anger.

But his brain went there tonight, to the moment right before things went to shit. To the way Steve teased him and looked at him. To all the want burning behind his hazel eyes.

Before he knew it, Eddie was slipping a hand under the waistband of his boxers and lightly stroking himself. His dick was still soft, but he knew it wouldn’t take long. Not with the image of Steve, lips shiny from kissing Eddie, hard cock straining his jeans as he talked about bouncing on Eddie’s dick.

Jesus.

Eddie felt himself filling up as he kept picturing Steve. He should probably feel weird about it, but all of a sudden his body was taken by the pure need of it. The fact that he hadn’t cum in months. The fact that before Steve he had barely masturbated anyway.

He didn’t want to allow himself to think of Steve when they were broken up and, truth be told, being on tour didn’t help. There wasn’t a lot of alone time for Eddie to do as he pleased and Eddie had always liked to be loud.

Tonight, though, safe behind the walls of his house and all alone, Eddie could go crazy.

He considered getting up to get some lube and maybe a toy, but at the same time, the feeling of his calloused hand against his dick was already enough to get him there, he just knew it.

That and Steve, of course.

He wondered if Steve ever thought of him while jerking off, and that idea alone made him move his hand faster, squeezing hard at his base to delay the inevitable.

Eddie twisted his wrist the best he could feeling his stomach tightening under the pressure of his orgasm and he knew he was done for. He spilled in his own hand, moaning Steve’s name unashamedly. No one could hear him, and even if they could, they should know it was only ever Steve for him.

He cleaned himself up the best he could, but Eddie could already feel the tiredness taking over his body and he let himself drift off, knowing the next day would be way too busy and he needed to be rested.

In the back of his mind, though, he kept thinking about Steve. Eddie knew he and Steve had often used sex to avoid talking about important things. He also knew that if there was even a slight possibility of a third chance between them, Eddie wanted to talk about it. About everything. About feelings, no matter how ugly or bad they were. About their sex life, and how Steve was the best fucking lay of Eddie’s entire life, but that didn’t mean they could use it as a diversion for their issues.

He wanted to be better and he wanted to do better. For him and for Steve.

And he was going to start tomorrow, by calling him and talking.

x

Eddie had every intention of calling Steve.

Truly.

But then he thought it would be kind of rude to call him to discuss their relationship at 7 am, and before he knew it, he was getting swept away by a mountain of things he needed to get done. Jeff and Gareth were at his place bright and early, ready to discuss everything they needed before the album presentation later that morning.

That wouldn’t be their usual routine for a simple song presentation at H&H, but there was something bothering Eddie and once he voiced it to his friends, they had all agreed. They should be on top of their game. They shouldn’t give Richard any reason to mess with them, if they could help it.

And maybe all of that were just signs of maturity. They took this seriously. They were grateful for this second chance. Richard would have to accept it, and maybe he’d eventually leave them alone.

The three of them spent the entire morning going through every song they had chosen for the album, taking another look at the ones they decided to store for later –another album or deluxe version, they weren’t sure yet.

They weren’t expected to play anything today. Everything was already pre-recorded and mixed even though, knowing Richard, he would want to change things just because he could. Eddie kind of hated the idea of him putting his greasy hands on his songs, but Gareth had made him promise to be nice.

Still, they tuned their instruments and went through the songs together at least once, to make sure Richard wouldn’t be able to catch them by surprise.

When Jeff announced it was time for them to go, Eddie considered asking for five minutes to call Steve. At this point, he kind of just wanted to hear his voice and ask him if they could talk later and maybe just the idea of seeing Steve would help get him through the day.

But at the same time, he didn’t want to explain it right now. He hadn’t said anything to anyone about the flowers, though he was sure Robin knew about it. Well, he was sure Robin had been the one to put them there for Steve, somehow.

Eddie was scared that if he told someone, they would crush his hopes. They would tell him Steve was probably just being nice. Or that Eddie had hallucinated the whole thing and the flowers were from someone else.

He just wanted to hold on to that sliver of hope for a moment longer. Just keep it to himself for a little bit, until he could know for sure.

Eddie had also decided that if Steve said he didn’t want to talk, or if Steve agreed to talk and ended up telling Eddie they were through, Eddie would accept it. He would part ways with Steve and give his own heart a second chance. A chance at anything else that wasn’t Steve related, whatever that might look like.

He knew it wasn’t going to be easy, but he was willing to try. He was willing to move on, if Steve said that was what he wanted.

“C’mon, Eddie, let’s go,” Jeff called from the front door and Eddie took another long look at his phone and sighed. He would call Steve as soon as he got home from the meeting.

x

As if Eddie hadn’t more than enough reason to be worried about this meeting, it was currently running late.

Well, Richard Harrington was running late. The three of them had been holed up in the meeting room they had been assigned to for at least 40 minutes and the growing tension was palpable.

No one dared to say anything, as if they thought their words would make things worse, so they were just sitting there, staring at different points of the room as if waiting for a doctor’s appointment.

At least Eddie and Gareth were sitting down. Jeff was alternating between sitting and then pacing the room like a madman, then sitting back again. Gareth wasn’t doing much better at hiding his nerves. There was a pile of shredded paper in front of him and a notepad that was quickly running out of pages.

And still, they wouldn’t say anything to each other. But Eddie knew that his bandmates had sensed it, too. The weirdness of the day. The way something was definitely happening, and they seemed to be the last to know.

“Do you think they’re going to drop us?” Jeff broke the silence at the 50 minute mark. Eddie let the words float around his brain for a second, trying to see if they fit the bad feeling he had.

If this was before, Eddie would laugh and roll his eyes and say there wasn’t a chance in hell H&H was dropping them. Despite knowing how much Richard despised him –especially given the nature of his relationship with Richard’s sole heir– Eddie also knew how valuable they were for the label. Back then, if Richard even thought about dropping them, Eddie knew there would be a couple offers from other labels before the news even hit the headlines.

But things were different now. Eddie knew his reputation preceded him. Knew that as much as he had received a lot of support with his rehab and issues, it also didn’t paint a good picture. It made him seem unreliable, at best. Dangerous, at worst. The new tour had been pretty successful but things were a little different now, and staying out of the public eye for 7 years had its consequences, which Eddie and the boys were incredibly aware of.

Rebuilding wasn’t going to be easy, but Corroded Coffin had never run from a challenge.

Still, if H&H wanted to drop them, they would have more than enough reason to do it. And while getting a new label was their plan in the long term, it wasn't something they were ready to do just now. They needed a little more time. They needed to put out their new album and start reaching out to new audiences and rebuilding what once was their band, so when it was time to part ways with H&H, they would be more interesting for other labels.

“If they are, let’s just hope they don’t sue us,” Gareth said, eyes a little wide.

That possibility had also been thoroughly discussed.

The best-case scenario for them right now would be H&H deciding to terminate their contract with no consequences. Obviously, they all knew that was highly unlikely, and Eddie was just hoping that if that was the way they wanted to play this, Richard or the board or whoever made the calls would see that suing would make them look bad.

Eddie had been through hell, and H&H was partly to blame for that. Despite being vocal about it, Eddie had been very careful not to say too much, so they couldn’t hold it against him. People were free to interpret his words the way they wanted, and if the label didn’t want to complicate things even more, they wouldn’t try to go for someone who had already lost so much.

That had almost lost his life.

In the money department, they were all doing ok. Gareth was still extra worried because of his family, and Jeff had pulled Eddie aside one night to make sure they were on the same page. They were family, and whatever Gareth and Jess and the baby needed, the two of them would be more than happy to help with.

Obviously, Gareth would try to fight them, but they wouldn’t take no for an answer and, in any case, that was a discussion for much later.

“It’s going to be fine,” Eddie said, hoping his voice sounded more confident than he felt. Even if they had tirelessly discussed everything, it still made him anxious as hell, to not know. To have that feeling that something was off and he couldn’t quite put his finger on it.

Jeff stopped and turned to them, his eyes shining in the way they did whenever he had an idea, but before he could say anything, the door opened, noise invading the once too quiet room as four suits walked in, followed by Robin and… Steve?

“What the fuck,” Eddie said under his breath, looking away from his ex-boyfriend. As much as he had been trying to hype himself up to talk to Steve, seeing him there just made him realize how unprepared he was for all that.

He felt both Jeff’s and Gareth’s eyes on him, and just shook his head, hoping they wouldn’t say anything. Eddie didn’t need to look even weaker right now and he knew there was no mistaking the absolute surprise on his face.

The suits were all familiar faces Eddie had seen around H&H through the years. They had never been to an album meeting like that one the same way Richard had never missed one. At least not that Eddie knew of.

The question rolled around in his mouth and he knew his friends were dying to ask the same, but even as the new group joined them in the room, they didn’t really address them so far. No greetings, not even exchanged looks.

On any other day, Eddie wouldn’t mind, but it was impossible to pretend his skin wasn’t buzzing with the possibility of exchanging looks with Steve after months of nothing. He could feel his heart rioting inside of him, and even as Eddie chanced a glance at him, Steve looked chill as a cucumber.

He had a bunch of papers in his hands, and kept going through them with Robin’s chin hooked on his shoulder so she could look, too. Eddie had a feeling those were notes about their new album, something they usually had for that kind of meeting so they wouldn’t miss anything.

There was a big music player on the side table, right next to coffee and a few cookies and sandwiches, and the suits were currently going crazy on it.

Jeff moved in a way Eddie knew he was going to say something, but then he placed his hand on his friend’s arm, shaking his head one time.

Richard wasn’t there still, and Eddie knew there was no way they would be starting without him. There was probably going to be a little more waiting, but this time with the room considerably fuller.

For the next ten minutes, the room was filled with the suits’ conversation about… something. Eddie really didn’t care. And hushed words exchanged between Robin and Steve as they went through the meeting’s plan. When it became clear Steve wouldn’t look up, Eddie let himself stare.

His hair was a bit longer than it had been when they last saw each other, which meant Steve was probably too busy to get a haircut. He was wearing a Steve Harrington classic; polo shirt with light wash jeans, something Eddie would consider questionable on any other person, but that looked damn good on Steve.

Eddie felt an ache in his chest, with how much he missed him.

He had grown used to not having Steve around, and Eddie liked to think he had become good at it. Ignoring his absence. Pretending it didn’t bother him. But after having him again, it was like Eddie slipped right back to square one. The absence of him was like a black hole that kept on growing between his ribs.

Robin said something Eddie couldn’t hear and Steve grunted in response, and before Eddie knew, she was pushing Steve’s hair back, in a way that would make him flip out at anyone but her. That way, the light hit Steve’s face and Eddie could finally see it, the purple bags taking place under his eyes.

It pulled at his heartstrings. Eddie knew that. Knew that meant Steve was overworking himself with late nights and early mornings and too many meetings and too little time for himself. Knew it meant he was most likely forgetting to eat and drink water.

He also knew it wasn’t his place to say anything. At least, not anymore.

Right at that moment, Robin looked up and caught him staring. She also looked tired, but maybe the change hadn’t seemed so big since he had been seeing her quite often.

She let her eyes linger on him, a soft expression as if she could read all of his chaotic thoughts, then she nodded and looked away, addressing the entire room.

“We’re ready to begin,” she announced, and the suits moved as one, walking to the table as if they were used to getting bossed around by her.

Robin passed the notes around, having copies even for them, and everyone started to situate themselves with it, but Eddie kept watching the door. Weren’t they going to wait for…

“Aren’t we waiting for Richard?” Jeff asked, pulling the words from Eddie’s head. Everyone looked up at him as if just noticing there was someone else there. One of the suits, Tony something, laughed awkwardly and looked at Steve and Robin.

She sighed loudly, exchanging a look with Steve and shook her head. “No, not today, Jeff.”

The three of them frowned at that and looked at each other, and Eddie could see a follow up question forming on Gareth’s lips. There was no way that was all they were going to get about Richard’s absence at the meeting, but before he could say anything, Robin pointedly looked at him, a warning behind her eyes, and Steve started to talk.

“Here’s how this is happening. We’ll be going song by song, if you have anything to say, please make a note so we can all share after we're done listening to it. There are also a few comments provided by the band on the document, so we can all have a better understanding of the song, the idea behind and what they expect to convey with it. We’re here to make sure the album makes sense as a whole and that it makes sense for H&H.”

Eddie had so many questions, but it was clear that there wasn’t any room for them right now, so he sat back, paper tight in his hands, as Robin pressed play on the first of the 13 songs he had written for the man sitting across from him.

x

There were quite a few different types of torture, as far as Eddie was aware. But he was still to find something that was more cruel than what he had just been through.

Writing songs had always been about opening his heart and sharing the ugliest parts of him. Maturing and growing hadn’t changed that. In fact, it had probably made it worse, because now Eddie was old enough to reminisce on his past mistakes and feel nostalgic about everything good that had happened to him.

This fucking album was a love letter to Steve Harrington and Eddie had been totally fine writing it. Telling their story through the years. The love and the heartbreak and the misery. He wouldn’t take any of it back, not even the angry song he had called Regretting You, right at the end of the album. But it was one thing to know Steve would probably get around to listening to it once it was out there in the world.

It was a whole different story to be in the same room as he listened to the songs for the first time.

Gareth’s hand had found his under the table at around track 5, the title song Our Story. It was a long one, too, almost six minutes of Eddie and Steve’s story. How they had fallen in love and then fell apart and then fell in love again.

How the fucking story was on hold.

The way Eddie’s melodic voice cracked at the end, begging for an answer on how that story would end.

The way the song ended with a whispered and echoed 'please' that Eddie had come up with on the spot and how everyone was in love with that fucking song.

How they wanted it to be the lead single of the album.

Eddie avoided Steve completely from there to the end of the meeting. He could see him in his peripheral vision, writing down things, his body shaking slightly from the way his leg bounced under the table, the soft tap of his fingers synced with the beat of Eddie’s heart.

But song after song, Steve simply listened to everything, never adding one single remark. Just nodding at whatever discussion everyone was having about the drums or the lyrics or the song order. Once they were through with the album, he kept taking notes, talking to himself or to Robin, Eddie couldn’t tell, and then he simply got up, a plastic smile on his face.

“Good job, everyone. The album is solid, which we all knew it was going to be. You’re not a freshman band anymore and we all knew you still had it. It’s just good to see we were right,” Steve chuckled, and it sounded fucking fake. “Most of our feedback is regarding production and twitching a few things on the sound booth, but there’s that one song we’ll need to re-do the drums, okay Gareth? I’ll have someone reach out to you to schedule studio time.”

“Yeah, sure,” Gareth said, looking at Steve and then at Eddie and then back at Steve. He was confused about the whole thing. They all were.

“Once the changes are made, I’ll make sure everyone gets a copy, but in the meantime our marketing team will touch base with the three of you to start discussing possibilities and, once again, Robin will be in charge of the tour, if that’s something you’re interested in doing, of course. I know you just got back from one and we do want to make sure you’re all feeling good before throwing you back on the road.”

That was new. Richard had never, not once, expressed worry about their well being. The schedule was tight and very well definitely from the get go. Compose, record, launch, tour. Rinse and repeat. It was tiring and overwhelming at times, but Eddie knew that was just how the industry worked.

Except.

Except that he had been very vocal about it. About the crazy schedule and the pressure and how that always strained everyone involved in the process.

Eddie wondered if that had anything to do with him and his recent interviews and speeches. He wondered if that was why Richard hadn’t been invited to this meeting.

That all seemed very likely, and still it didn’t explain why Steve…

Why Steve was walking out of the fucking door without another glance in Eddie’s direction.

x

Eddie got up without really meaning to. Gareth’s hand was still on his until Eddie pulled his arm back so he could, what? Chase after Steve in the hallways of his father’s company?

He looked at his friends and saw understanding in their eyes. They knew he couldn’t let Steve walk away again.

Not this time.

Eddie took off, making Tony, or Jay, or whatever his name was, stumble back so he could slip through the door and into the bright corridor.

There were a lot of people walking around, but Eddie had a faint memory of where Steve’s office was, on the top floor, in one of the corners, of course, and he moved to the elevators, making a quick decision of going up the stairs once he figured Steve was probably on his way up right now.

Eddie wasn’t a fit person, had never been, but being on tour made you need to be able to sing and jump around for at least two hours, so he definitely could take a few flights of stairs. But by the end of it, he had no idea if his heart was threatening to beat out of his chest because of the exertion or because he was about to face Steve.

And he didn’t even know what he was going to say.

Much to his surprise, he stopped in front of the office he thought belonged to Steve only to find it was completely… empty?

There was no doubt that the room had been cleared of all furniture recently. The carpet still had the marks of a desk and a couch, and the door looked like it had been scrapped of whatever name was written on it before. Eddie was pretty sure that was Steve’s office.

He hadn’t been to his office all that much, actually. When they were at H&H, Steve and Eddie mostly kept things as professional as they could, so to not start any rumors. Eddie didn’t want anyone to think the only reason Corroded Coffin had been signed was because he was fucking the son of the CEO.

But then again… Sometimes Eddie would linger around the office until late at night, knowing Steve was holed up in there, working or doing god knows what. Eddie remembered one of those nights, the building completely empty as Eddie stood on the office threshold, watching Steve work.

They were together for less than a year, by then, and Eddie didn’t get many chances to watch Steve. It had been at least ten minutes before his presence was noticed and then one thing led to another and soon enough Eddie was bending Steve over the table, fucking his brains out the way he liked it.

Well, that was not a helpful memory. Eddie groaned at himself, shaking his head and trying to ignore the zip that went through his body with the images. He was lingering on nostalgia alright. And in any case, if that had been Steve’s office once upon a time, it was clear that it wasn’t anymore, which meant maybe Eddie was wrong.

He thought Steve was going up, but maybe he was going downstairs. And if that was the case, then he would be long gone by the time Eddie made it out of the building.

Eddie sighed, going back to the elevator and pressing the down button. Maybe he could drive by Steve’s place, determined to get this over with.

The elevator ding echoed through the unusually empty space. He knew the top floor was reserved for higher-ranking people from the label, and right as he was about to step on the elevator, a door opened on the far end and Robin walked out.

Eddie scrambled out of the elevator, catching Robin’s attention, who smirked at him as if amused by his clumsiness. She then looked back at the door and seemed to decide not to close it all the way, winking at Eddie before slipping into an adjacent office.

Well, that was inconspicuous.

He approached the office slowly, unsure of what he should do. He knew Steve was inside of that room, maybe his new office, but now that he was there, Eddie was getting nervous. He knew there was no other option for them except to talk about it. About their relationship and their last interaction and whatever they thought would happen from now on.

Trying not to overthink it, Eddie raised his hand and rapped his knuckles on the door, pushing it open before anyone could stop him. He figured it was better to surprise Steve than to give him the chance to turn him away before Eddie could say his piece.

“Did you forget something, Robs?” Steve said, not looking up. He was sitting behind a giant oak desk, scribbling something on a notepad.

He had glasses on, which was new and sort of suited him. Eddie wondered how many sides of Steve were still new to him after so many years. After a long beat of silence, Steve finished whatever he was writing and looked up.

If he was surprised to see Eddie, Steve didn’t show.

“Can we talk?” Eddie asked, even though his tone made it abundantly clear he wouldn’t take no for an answer.

Steve offered him a tight lipped smile, looking exhausted. Eddie felt it in his bones, too. The exhaustion. The dancing around. The years of avoiding this conversation.

It was time to stop running from it.

“Yeah,” Steve said, leaning back in his chair. “Come on in.”

Chapter Text

Los Angeles, 1998

(Eddie is 31, Steve is 30)

Eddie had been rehearsing his conversation with Steve for the best part of the last few days. He would talk to himself out loud, whenever he was alone. While getting dressed. In the shower. While making breakfast.

Sometimes the conversation would go smoothly, Eddie would start talking, and then Steve was on his knees apologizing and begging for forgiveness. Saying Eddie was the love of his life and he had been too dumb to see it, but he was going to make up for it.

Other times, the talk would escalate way too quickly into an argument. Into screams and hurtful words and things that would leave Eddie sore, even if they had only happened in his head.

But now, sitting in a brand-new chair, looking into Steve’s hazel eyes, Eddie found himself completely lost for words.

Nothing he had thought so far seemed to be adequate for this moment and he had no idea how to tell Steve he didn’t enjoy having to watch him listen to the album as if Eddie wasn’t making a fool of himself with big words and sad melodies.

Steve seemed to know that, though. Or at least, he could see the hesitation behind Eddie’s eyes, because he cleared his throat and spoke first.

“I’m sorry,” he said, looking straight at Eddie, who had to avoid the urge to look away. “God, I don’t even know where to start.”

Eddie felt himself holding out his breath, scared that if he moved an inch, he would wake up and realize this was just a dream.

Steve had apologized before, of course. He apologized when he bumped into Eddie without meaning to and he apologized when he dropped a glass, breaking it into a million pieces. He had apologized with his face buried in Eddie’s chest and he had apologized when Eddie didn’t want to hear an apology.

Even then, he had a hard time believing he deserved an apology. He would always feel like he was in the wrong. He knew that was in his head, for the most part, but he had always felt so… improper. Out of place. Inappropriate.

Always wrong.

Always bad.

“I’ll start with the easy one,” Steve said, unaware of the revolution happening inside of Eddie. “I’m sorry my presence surprised you. I… should’ve told you. Should’ve asked Robin to tell you, if I was too much of a coward to do it myself. I shouldn’t have let you be blindsided by my presence today, and I shouldn’t have invaded your space. I know how much your songs mean to you. I know how personal they are and… I’m sorry. I know that doesn’t fix anything, but I hope it can be a start.”

Eddie blinked, wrapping his head around this apology. Nothing about the way Steve sat at the meeting made Eddie think he was sorry for being there, even though Eddie had wished he was.

“I…” Eddie started, unsure. He felt like he was standing on shaky ground. “That’s…”

He wanted to say it was fine, but the truth was that it wasn’t. Steve nodded as if he knew it.

“A start,” Steve said again, and it was Eddie’s turn to nod. He wasn’t looking for forgiveness, maybe because he knew that was still too many miles away. He was looking for something else.

“A start,” Eddie agreed. “But… why? Why were you there?”

Where’s your dad?

“Ah,” Steve said, a small smile on his lips. “Right.”

Eddie waited as Steve wet his lips, as if buying time. He could feel it, a big explanation brewing inside of him as Steve tried to figure out how to say what he needed.

“Back in August, I had a feeling,” Steve started, and Eddie watched him carefully, unsure of where this was going. “The tour was going great, I knew that, but Richard, he usually kept bugging me for all different reasons. He was never one to let me think I was doing good when he could let me know I was awful. So, you know, daily calls from dear old daddy were something I was used to. Until August of last year, when they abruptly stopped. Now, you know me, I’m not one to believe Richard was suddenly happy with my performance, or yours.”

“Right,” Eddie said, nodding his head. He had noticed it, of course. That Steve would always get pulled out to a phone call, and would always come back looking a little upset.

“He could be too busy to be bitching at me, but I had a feeling that wasn’t the case. Well, it wasn’t just that. So I started poking around. Called him one day after a show and asked him if he saw the changes I made because of his advice,” Steve chuckled humorlessly. “He barely listened to what I was saying. He barely gloated about being right and, well, you know him. Richard never loses a chance to reaffirm how he’s always right.”

Eddie chuckled, shaking his head, and for just a second, this felt close to normal. It didn’t feel like there was an abyss of unsaid things between them.

“Anyway,” Steve continued, after clearing his throat. It seemed that he was also getting caught in this weird whatever between them. “I started asking around. Called a few of the board members to chat, you know. Robin helped. She started reaching out to people we knew from all different places, and I had a very interesting chat with Nancy, too. She said she didn’t know much, but there were definitely things at play. And then… Well, then your od got leaked.”

Eddie took a sharp breath in, caught a little off guard by the casual mention of his od. He knew they would need to talk about it eventually, but he didn’t expect Steve to be the one bringing it up.

“I… God, Eddie, I was so mad. This was not supposed to happen. We did everything we could for years to make sure it wouldn’t happen unless you wanted to. And you were out there, doing an amazing show and having no idea this was going on. When Robin found me, I was livid. Shaking and angry. I wanted to break things, and I wanted to scream and find whoever was responsible for that. I went out, trying to do some damage control. I’ve watched Richard do it countless times, but when it was my turn, I didn’t even know where to start,” Steve said, a self-deprecating laugh escaping his lips. “I called the magazine, of course. I pushed my way through people until I had the editor in chief on the line and the fucking asshole wouldn’t say a thing. Said the information was sent to him anonymously and I just… Eddie, I wanted to fucking kill the guy. And everyone who wouldn’t fucking help me.”

Steve stopped, trying to take a breath. Eddie could see his chest was moving faster, as if just remembering it made him get angry all over again. It made a warm feeling bloom in Eddie’s chest, just thinking that Steve would go to all this trouble to protect him.

“It’s not your fault,” Eddie said, finding his own voice a little shaky. Steve’s hand was resting on the table between them, and Eddie wanted to reach out and take it. To comfort this man who would tear the world down to protect Eddie. “Seriously, I–”

“Let me finish,” Steve said, not unkindly. Eddie kept his words to himself and nodded. “In the middle of my rage, Robin was there, taking the phone from me and thanking the guy for being useless and shaking me until I stopped. She looked me in the eye and she reminded me what really mattered at that time, and that was you. I should’ve been there the second you were off the stage and I should’ve been the one to tell you. I should’ve held you and told you how I would do everything in my power to find whoever did that. But by the time I came back to the venue, you were gone, and it was so hard not to let my thoughts get the best of me.”

“I’m so–”

“Don’t you dare,” Steve said calmly. Eddie clamped his mouth shut again. “I was a mess once you came back. And I know it’s not an excuse, but I had been through it. Anger and worry and sadness and just this awful feeling in the pit of my stomach that I would never be good enough for you. I would never be able to protect you the way that I wanted because I was useless and stupid and–”

“You’re not stupid,” Eddie interrupted, but Steve didn’t seem to hear him.

“I wasn’t what you needed. But I still wanted you because I’m so fucking selfish, so when you came back, pale and shaky and scared, I gave you what I had. I gave myself to you, because even though that wasn’t enough, it was all I had, and your smile and the look on your face almost made me believe it was good enough.”

“Steve,” Eddie tried again, but Steve shook his head. He didn’t want to hear it. But Eddie would make sure he knew, after he was done.

“Eddie,” he said, sternly. “I wasn’t. And I’m still not.”

Eddie looked down at his hands, playing with his rings the way he always did when he was anxious. He always thought he was the one who wasn’t good enough for Steve, and seeing his own worries mirrored in his eyes was tough.

“And then, I said some things…” Steve started again, making Eddie’s breath catch with the memory of his harsh words on that night. As much as Eddie would love to play it cool, those had hurt. They had cut deep in places Eddie couldn’t reach, and he’d been carrying the bruises with him ever since.

He knew he was better. Knew what his intentions were. But Steve’s words still seemed true, and that was what hurt the most.

“We don’t have to–” Eddie tried, not sure if he was willing to go back to that night. As much as he wanted to fix things with Steve, he didn’t want to relieve everything.

“We do, Eddie,” Steve said, sounding sad. “I wish we didn’t need to, but we do. We’ve gone way too long without talking about the things that hurt us. We disguised conversations with half truths and make up sex and called it a day, thinking, and in my case hoping, it would be enough. I didn’t know what to say to you, back then, when I saw you slipping away from me. I didn’t know how to help, so I let myself pretend I was already helping.”

“You were, Steve.” Eddie said, a little lost for words with how earnest Steve was being right now.

“I wasn’t, baby, and you know it.”

The pet name crashed into Eddie’s chest with full force and from the look on Steve’s face, it did the same to him.

“Eddie,” he said, clearing his throat as if forming words was the hardest thing Steve had ever done. “I loved you. More than anything in the world. And it was hard for me to understand that wasn’t enough. My love for you was not going to cure your addiction, no matter how hard I wanted it to. I could be by your side, and I wanted to, but my obligations kept me away, and I let it be that way because it was easier. And I let it hurt you. I hurt you, even when that was the last thing I wanted to do. It took me a long time to come to terms with it. With the fact that as much as I loved you, I was hurting you. I was the reason for your spiraling.”

Eddie stared at him for a second, eyes watering as he let the words sink in. Well, the word.

Loved.

Loved.

Eddie felt the question stuck in his throat even as Steve seemed unaware of it, still rambling about the past as if they hadn’t both been there. When did you stop loving me?

“I need you to understand, Eddie. What happened wasn’t all your fault. It was mine just as much. And I hated myself for it for so long. And when I saw you again last year… Jesus, you looked so good. You looked healthy and happy and… You’d never looked like that when I was around. And I tried to stay away, but I can’t seem to shake you. I don’t… I don’t know how. And when I saw the pills, I knew it was my fault again. I knew I was being too selfish, and I was putting you and your health on the line because I couldn’t fucking let you go.”

Wasn’t that the truth? Wasn’t that the exact reason why Eddie was sitting here, listening to all these words even though they were tearing him apart?

“And I know I wasn’t fair. I was a dick. I thought that pushing you away would prevent you from falling right back into the pills again. Being away from you was the only way to protect you–”

“I don’t want your protection, Steve!” Eddie exploded, surprising even himself. One second he was sitting down, the next the chair was toppled over and his chest was heaving with how hard he was breathing. Steve’s eyes widened at him, but his mouth was clamped shut. “We both made mistakes in the past, I’ll agree with you on that. We didn’t talk about things and I let you hurt me because I thought it was the only way that I would get to keep you. But my addiction and my issues are not tied up to you exclusively. Sure, seeing my boyfriend parading around with girls all the time while I had to snuck out with him didn’t help, but it also didn’t make me an addict.”

Eddie was angry. Not at Steve, but at himself. He had to control his voice so it wouldn’t come out too upset. So Steve wouldn’t read things all wrong.

“I made myself an addict. Me and this fucking brain of mine, that doesn’t seem to be able to like things a normal amount. And when I found out that I could have the best of everything if I was just high enough? You can bet your ass I grabbed that opportunity with both hands. My mind is so loud sometimes, it makes me… It makes me this fucking mess of feelings. It makes me unreliable because it’s like I have a thousand voices saying different things all the time. At the same time, I was telling myself you didn’t like any of those girls, a different voice kept picturing you with them. You fucking them and kissing them. And when I was high or drunk I could simply push that away and think about something else. But that goes for everything. I didn’t…” Eddie’s voice broke at that point, and he saw Steve’s hand reaching out to the middle of the table, palm up. An offer. One Eddie had to refuse. “Performing is hard when there are too many voices. Living is hard. Everything seemed a thousand times worse if I wasn’t high. I thought I needed that and my time at the clinic made me realize I didn’t. They taught me how to focus on things, how to block the voices. But I thought it was too late for us, because of everything.”

None of that had been on Eddie’s mind when he was thinking about talking to Steve, but now that the words were out there, he understood how much he needed to say them. Steve seemed to know it, too, because he didn’t attempt to say anything, even as the silence stretched a little too long.

“I’m not fixed,” Eddie said, a humorlessly laugh coming out. “They always say that at the clinic. There’s nothing to be fixed. There’s only things to be managed. So I’m managing it. I’m living my life not letting the voices get too loud. And I’m taking responsibility for my actions. You didn’t make me do anything. I did it myself, and I’m sorry I dragged you into it. You deserve better.”

Better than me.

“I don’t,” Steve said quickly. “I mean, there’s nothing better than you, Eddie. No one. I just wished I’d known it before everything went up in flames.”

Steve was talking about it, about them, in a way that seemed so final. Eddie hated it. He hated it almost as much as he hated the way Steve had said he loved him.

He thought there was a way to fix this, but he was starting to think there wasn’t.

x

Eddie wasn’t at all surprised when he got home later that evening and found Jeff and Gareth already there, sitting on his couch.

He didn’t know if it made him feel better or worse.

“So?” Jeff asked, no reason to pretend they weren’t both there to know what had happened with Steve.

“So,” Eddie said, taking off his jacket and throwing it on the armchair Chrissy had picked out for him. “It’s over.”

The words sounded weird, even to him, and he appreciated his friends trying not to react too much. But their disappointment was clear on their faces. Eddie could admit that wasn’t the outcome he was hoping for. Not after all this time. Not after the flowers.

“We talked,” he continued, all the words Steve had said still rattling in his head. “Steve said some nice things. He apologized. He… it was nice to hear it. But there’s just too much history.”

Eddie wasn’t sure that was the thing. At some point in their conversation, Eddie just started to think Steve didn’t want this with him anymore. Which was… fair. Very fair. Even if Steve blamed himself for a lot of the things that had happened, Eddie knew he was too much.

Knew everything was too much.

“Shit,” Gareth said under his breath. “Sorry, man. That’s not…”

Not what they were expecting. Yeah. Big same.

Eddie tried not to sound too disappointed when Steve started to conclude their conversation. The first part of it, at least. The one that had to do with them. They still had a lot to talk about.

“He said that,” Eddie said, sitting on the couch in front of his friends, throwing his boots on the table at the center of the room and trying to look unbothered by the whole thing. He was failing spectacularly at that, but he was still going to try his best. “Well, he said Richard is out.”

Gareth and Jeff blinked at him as if his words didn’t make sense. And Eddie got it. He had to ask Steve to repeat it at least three times before he understood. Five times before he believed it.

“What do you mean by… out?” Jeff asked, and Eddie could see the hope wanting to break through in his feature.

“I mean,” Eddie said, and he had a hard time holding out his grin. He had fantasized about it. Imagined what it would feel like. But not even in his dreams did he imagine… “Steve says he was the one who leaked the od. Which, well, it figures, right?”

Even if it wasn’t all that surprising, he could see Jeff’s jaw tightening with the information.

“Go on,” Gareth urged.

“I don’t know how Steve found that out. He explained it to me, but I swear it was one too many calls and meetings and connections and calling in favors for me to properly follow. Mind you, I was still shocked by the whole Richard being out thing. Anyway, after he got that information. After he confirmed it, he started going to board members and talking to them. Steve found out most of the board was upset with the way Richard was handling things, saying he was doing things all wrong. Some were right, some were based on superficial, dumb stuff and Steve used it all. He used every single thing he uncovered to throw his own father out of his company.”

The surprised expressions on his friends’ face probably mirrored what Eddie had looked like when Steve told him that. Even as he said it, he could barely believe it.

Steve said he had schemed and worked behind his father’s back to make sure he would have the upper hand. To make sure Richard would look completely surprised when, in one of the monthly board meetings, everyone was ready to vote him out after a bad deal with a new band he had been pursuing. Steve had sat back, then, just watching as his plan unfolded in front of him and even as Richard left, Steve winked at him, just to make sure he knew who was responsible for that.

“Steve’s on the board now. Hell, Steve’s CEO now.”

Those words also didn’t seem true. Even as Eddie watched Steve cleaning up his new metal plaque and putting it on the desk. There was a smile in his face that Eddie didn’t get to see often. He was pleased with himself. He was happy.

How could Eddie take that away from him by saying he still loved him? How could he tell Steve he would like to try it one more time, when Steve looked so well without him?

He couldn’t. He wouldn’t.

“That’s why he was at the meeting today,” Gareth said and Eddie nodded. “What does this mean for us?”

Ah, yes. That had also been a long part of their conversation.

“Steve said we can do whatever we want. He said he liked the album. It’s solid and really raw, which… yeah. He knows it’s about him.”

“Everyone will know, Eddie,” Jeff said. They had discussed that thoroughly, but if people spent five minutes analyzing the lyrics and reading on Eddie’s history they would know.

“Yeah, I know. Just… he said it’s up to us. H&H would be lucky if we wanted to stick with them after everything. He slipped me a card from a lawyer, said that if we wanted to sue them and Richard we could. He’d have our backs. He would settle for something that was fair for us. But I just…”

He didn’t know. Eddie was so fucking confused about everything. Torn apart by wanting Steve and wanting what was best for his friends and wanting to be happy himself.

“We don’t have to decide that now,” Jeff said softly. His eyes were on Eddie as if he could read his mind. “And we’ll do whatever you wanna do, Eddie. Seriously, we–”

“No,” Eddie said quickly. He appreciated it. He did. But this needed to be theirs. “We’ll talk about it, and we’ll do what we all think it’ll be best for the band. I know you two are always trying to accommodate me and I appreciate that so much. But this is our band. It has always been ours, and I’d hate to think I inadvertently stole the whole thing for myself. If that were the case, I’d gone solo by now and you’d be better off.”

Gareth shook his head. “We wouldn’t. But yeah, okay. We’ll decide together.”

“And we still don’t need to decide now,” Jeff said again. “Let’s sleep on it. And maybe talk over breakfast. We’re staying over.”

Jeff wasn’t asking. He was taking the lead, deciding for Eddie because they all knew that as much as Eddie wanted to be alone right now, it probably wasn’t a good idea. There were too many things changing. Too many wheels turning and he felt pretty confident he could handle it.

But in case he couldn’t, he’d feel better knowing Jeff and Gareth were there for him. Even if it meant they would probably stuff their faces with pizza and watch something dumb on TV until they fell asleep.

They had presented their album and got positive feedback from their label. They had some hard decisions to make in the near future, but they’d do it together and it would be fine, one way or another.

It would be fine, eventually.

Eddie would be fine. Even if it was without Steve.

x

Eddie got woken up by a weird feeling taking over him. Blinking back the sleepiness, he had the vague sensation that someone was pounding on his front door.

He glanced at his digital clock, shining bright and green in his darkened room, and saw the numbers 5 and 23. 5:23 in the morning. There was no way someone was pounding on his door.

The only two people who would do such a thing were Gareth and Jeff and they were both asleep in the guest rooms down the hall.

But then he heard it again. A faint, yet definitely there, sound. A knock. On his front door.

When he finally dragged himself out of bed and out of his room, he saw Jeff’s face popping out of his door. Gareth was a deep sleeper, which meant he probably hadn’t heard it and was still sleeping soundly in his room.

“Want me to come with you?”

Eddie shook his head, tying up his black silk robe like he was some kind of fancy rockstar.

“What if it’s someone trying to rob you?”

Eddie chuckled, shaking his head again. “Since when do robbers knock of the door before going in?”

Jeff blinked at him for a second and then sighed, laughing at himself.

“Fine. But scream if you need me.”

And before Eddie could answer, Jeff retreated back into his room. He probably wouldn’t even remember that in the morning.

Right as Eddie got to the foot of the stairs, the pounding came again and he sighed, “I’m coming! Geez.”

There was no way to explain the surprise Eddie felt as he pulled the door open to see Steve standing there.

“Steve, what are you–” Eddie started to say, but was cut off by Steve saying “Please, can we talk?”

He looked a little disheveled, which was to be expected since it was the middle of the night. But Steve was still wearing the same clothes Eddie had seen him in early that day. His eyes were a little hollowed out, and even behind his glasses, Eddie could see dark circles under it.

His voice came out a little rough, as if he had spent way too long talking or singing.

“Please,” he said again as if he could see in Eddie’s eyes the urge to send him away. Not because he didn’t want to talk to Steve, but he was just concerned.

“Is everything ok? Is Robin ok? Is Chrissy?” Eddie asked, thoughts of disastrous scenarios flooding his mind as he took a step back and let Steve step inside.

“Yeah, no. They’re ok. Everything’s fine.” Steve said, and even though Eddie knew he meant everything in general, it was pretty clear that something wasn’t fine.

“Uh, if this is about the contract, we haven’t decided yet what we want to do. I know you said we had some time, but if–”

“It’s not about that, either,” Steve said softly. “Can we sit down?”

Eddie was probably too wired to sit down now that his body was apparently catching up with the fact that he was awake, despite the ungodly hour, but he nodded and motioned for Steve to follow him into the kitchen. He didn’t know why, but the living room seemed too cozy, and if Steve was about to drop another bomb on him, Eddie would prefer they were in a more neutral space.

They sat facing each other, much like he and Chrissy had sat down a few months back. Eddie thought about offering water, but Steve seemed a little frazzled, his leg bouncing up and down as if he was about to explode if he didn’t say what he wanted to.

“So,” Eddie said, eyes focusing on Steve despite him wanting to look anywhere else.

“Right. Well,” Steve started, leg still bouncing. “Ha, this is harder than I thought it would be. I just…”

“Hey, it’s ok,” Eddie said, even though it wasn’t ok. His heart had been hammering in his chest ever since he heard the door, and it didn’t seem like it was going to slow down anytime soon. “Whatever it is, we’ll handle it.”

Steve let out a huff that resembled a laugh. “Calm down. It’s not… I’m just,” He sighed again, shaking his head and looking down for a second before looking back at Eddie. “Do you know what’s my biggest regret?”

Eddie was so incredibly confused right now. “Uh, not eating Linda’s blueberry pie one more time before it closed down permanently?”

Steve chuckled, “no, although that’s a good one. My biggest regret is letting you think I didn’t want you.”

Eddie blinked, waiting for more to follow because right now, that didn’t make any sense.

“When you went to rehab,” Steve clarified. “Before that, even. When we were dating. I know we bantered a little when we met. You kind of hated my guts even though I was obsessed with you the moment I put eyes on you. But I let that shit go on too long. I let my career and my father and other people’s opinions matter more than you knowing that I desperately wanted you.”

Oh. So this was just a continuation of their conversation from early.

“That’s ok,” Eddie said truthfully, but Steve shushed him.

“Stop saying it’s ok when it’s not. It’s not ok, Eddie. It’s not ok the way I treated you. I took you for granted, as if I didn’t walk every day with the knowledge that losing you would destroy me from inside out.”

Eddie felt his palms getting sweaty. This was still the conversation they had that afternoon, but it also felt like something else. Steve seemed a little out of it.

“Seriously, you can stop apologizing, Steve, I–”

“I know you noticed it,” Steve said, as if Eddie hadn’t said anything. “I rehearsed, even, because I knew the time was gonna come when I would need to make you believe I didn’t love you anymore. As if… As if loving you was something that could simply wear off me.”

Eddie blinked, watching him carefully and trying to make sense of his words.

“I stared at myself in the mirror and I practiced saying that I loved you. And I know you noticed it. I saw the way your lips twitched down for a quick second. As the whole past tense of the word sunk in. I… Eddie, I could never stop loving you.”

“Then why did you–”

“I did it because I thought it was the right thing to do. I told you, I have… issues. Our time together is still some of my happiest memories but our time apart is a dark, heavy cloud hanging over my head. I had a lot of time to think about it, and I know you said we’re both to blame, but I can’t shake the feeling that I have blood on my hands, Eddie. Not only because of things that I did, but also because of things I didn’t do. I kept telling myself that if I ever got you back, I would make sure you knew how much you were loved by me. How much I wanted and needed you. And I still didn’t. I was afraid of it. Of how much power you have over me. Of how willing I was to give every single thing I have up, just to have you again.”

Eddie’s breath caught in his throat. That wasn’t… Was Steve trying to…?

Steve got up and closed the space between them, taking Eddie’s head in his hands so he couldn’t look away.

And even if he could, he didn’t want to.

“I left you there at that clinic and I hate myself every day for it. I should’ve pushed back. I should’ve been there even if you refused to talk to me. I should’ve sat in silence with you there until you accepted that I was going to be in your life. But I took the easy way out, and I kept telling myself it was for your sake when everyone knew it wasn’t. Robin knew, and she gave me shit about it for years.”

“I thought Robin hated me,” Eddie said almost like an afterthought. Steve chuckled in response.

“She wanted you to think she did because she’s loyal to me. But you better believe that girl had a lot of things to say to me every time I was a piece of shit to you,” Steve said fondly. “Then, when I saw you again, I had every intention of telling you the truth. But you looked like you were doing good, and I still had that feeling crawling underneath my skin. That I was to blame. That if I was back in your life, you would go back to rehab. I know. Robin kept saying I was an egotistical son of bitch for even thinking it.”

Eddie laughed, shaking his head that was still being held by Steve. And that was when it dawned on him. Steve was holding him. Touching him. Steve was so fucking close that Eddie could feel the warmth of his body everywhere.

“Steve…” Eddie said, eyes focused on Steve’s hazel ones. Lost in them, really. “What are you saying? I don’t…”

He didn’t finish his sentence, but Steve understood anyway.

“I know I have no right to say this. I have no right to ask. But I couldn’t let you walk away again thinking I didn’t want you or that I stopped loving you. I want you. I’ll always want you. I’ll understand if this… if that’s not what you want anymore. But I want us to have a real chance. A real shot at this. I want you, Eddie. This is what I’m saying.”

Eddie felt the world tilting on its axis as his lungs constricted with the weight of Steve’s words. He had been trying accept the fact that he and Steve weren’t meant to be together. That they were no good for each other. And now Steve was here saying… saying that he wanted to try.

“I…” Eddie said, unsure of how words even worked anymore. He took a deep breath, and it felt like he was breathing for the first time. “Stevie…”

Steve’s face fell. It was just for a second and then he recovered, a tight smile appearing on his lips as he pulled his hands back.

“I get it,” he said, even though Eddie hadn’t said anything. “It’s ok.”

“Do not,” Eddie said, glad that his voice finally stopped shaking. “Say it’s ok when it’s not.”

Eddie reached out his hands and grabbed Steve by the waist, pulling him in. Steve huffed, a little surprised with the force of it, as Eddie bracketed him between his legs, trapping him there.

“I know we still have a lot of things to talk about,” Eddie said, looking into Steve’s eyes in search of any sign that he didn’t mean it. That he still had doubts about them. He found none. “And I know we have a long way to go, if we want this relationship to work. We both have baggage. By ourselves and together. But there’s nothing I would like more than to try this with you, one more time. Hell, a thousand times more, if I need to.”

Steve stared at him, eyes slipping at his mouth for a milisecond before they were back in his eyes. God, Eddie loved Steve’s eyes. He loved Steve.

“This time, for real,” Steve said and Eddie nodded. “I love you.”

“I love you too, Stevie,” Eddie said, as soon as the words were out of Steve’s mouth. And then he was pressing their lips together, kissing Steve slowly, with so much feeling.

The world seemed to fade around them, as Eddie melted around Steve, as they became one again. They weren’t healed. They weren’t perfect. But as long as they were together, Eddie knew they would be fine.

Chapter Text

New York, 1999

(Eddie is 32, Steve is 31)

Eddie had the crowd wrapped around his fingers, as he usually did. New York was such a fun crowd, every single time.

They were halfway through the 'Our Story' tour, and Eddie kept getting surprised at so many things. The album sold millions of copies. Their singles broke records. Their tour had been sold out for months.

God, Eddie loved his life so fucking much.

“We have one more for you, New York,” he said on his microphone but was surprised when Gareth’s drums didn’t follow. He liked to warm up the crowd before their last song started to play, and when Eddie looked back, the drums were empty.

“Gareth, did you leave us?” He asked on the microphone and the crowd laughed. He looked at Jeff, who shrugged and played a few notes to help. “Well, guess we’ll have to play this one without–”

“Look at you, Munson,” Gareth said, showing up from the side of the stage with a microphone in his hands and a smirk. “I leave for one minute and you’re already planning to boot me out. Is that because I have a daughter?”

Eddie laughed on the microphone and looked at the crowd mouthing yes before answering no out loud.

“You’re lucky your kid is the cutest kid on the planet,” Eddie said as Gareth moved back to his drum kit. “Well, as I was saying, we still have one more. Gareth, will you do the honors to count us in?”

Eddie waited for a second and, yet again, nothing happened. He sighed, rolling his eyes dramatically, but getting no reaction from his audience. He frowned, trying to understand what was happening. They seemed… to be holding their breaths. Collectively.

He figured Gareth was making some sort of prank on him and let go of his guitar before turning around and finding…

“Steve?” he said, under his breath.

His boyfriend was there, on stage, looking at him as he dropped to one fucking knee.

“Steve?” he asked again, his eyes widening as Steve pulled a small velvet box from his pocket and opened it, revealing a ring.

“Eddie Munson,” Steve said, and Eddie didn’t know why he was surprised that Steve’s voice reverberated through the entire venue. He spotted Gareth’s usual microphone attached to Steve’s face. “I’ve been loving you for as long as I remember. Through all the shit we’ve been through. And years where I could only miss you. And now, I get to have you again and I don’t plan on ever letting you go. So, Eddie, baby, will you marry me?”

Everything was so quiet for a long moment after Steve’s question, and Eddie was kind of shocked at how impressive the silence of 55,000 people was. He felt tears prickling his eyes and was just a little mortified when he saw his face on the huge screen behind the stage. There was an extra camera there, focused only on him.

“Of course I’ll marry you,” Eddie said in one long breath. The crowd erupted in applause and screams and then Steve was up, scooping Eddie in his arms and kissing him on the mouth. Not a single ounce of shame.

Eddie kissed him back, the taste of both their tears getting mixed up in everything and he felt, not for the first time in the past year, as if his heart was going to explode.

x

Steve had been planning this for a while, it seemed. After their show was over, Steve was waiting for Eddie, of course, and he informed him they had a hotel for the night. Not any hotel. But the presidential suite of the Four Seasons.

Steve was such a show-off sometimes.

They ordered room service, and Eddie let himself soak in the bathtub for almost an hour before finding his place in bed next to Steve. Steve, who saw him and opened his arm instantly, welcoming him next to him.

Steve, who had asked Eddie to marry him.

Eddie raised his hand to admire the ring. He would need to get Steve one as well, because he was damned if he was going to let that man walk around without one.

“Do you like it?” Steve asked, resting his chin on Eddie’s head.

“I love it,” Eddie said, smiling as he looked at it. And then… “Is it… How?”

Steve chuckled and grabbed Eddie’s hand, pulling it close so he could kiss his knuckles, one by one.

“It is. I… After the paramedics left with you on that night, I was left behind. My hands were bloodied, and I was shaking and Robin wanted to take me away but I didn’t know if I could move. We stayed there for a long time as I tried to make sense of what had happened. As I urged you to be ok. I needed you to be ok.”

Eddie turned slightly to Steve, pressing a kiss on his mouth, “I’m ok.”

Steve nodded, his voice just a little wobbly. “I know. But I stayed behind, scared that if I left that bathroom I would have to face the fact that you might not be. Eventually Robin sat down with me and held me there for what it felt like hours but it was probably… I don’t know, 20 minutes? Anyway. As we were sitting on the floor I looked under the bathtub and I saw something, so I went to pick it up and found your wallet. It probably fell when you did. I held on to it, since you wouldn’t need it right away. And then I went through it because it was something of yours and I needed to know… Well. I found the, uh, receipt.”

Eddie frowned at him, trying to understand. “The receipt…?”

“Yes,” Steve said, smiling a little. “You sold the ring, right? There was some sort of receipt or card, I can’t remember. But it said the name of the place you went. That was what made me get up. I needed to go there. I needed to understand. After I was there, the woman smiled at me as if she just knew. And she showed me the ring. The ring I bought thinking about spending the rest of my life with you. I should probably had left it there. The thing hadn’t done anything good for us. But she insisted I should take it. Had to pay double what she paid you for it,” Steve chuckled and Eddie did too. “But I bought the ring back.”

“You bought it back,” Eddie repeated, a little amazed.

“It wasn’t meant to be sitting in a shitty store in New York. It was meant to be yours. It was meant to be on your finger after I asked you to marry me. I almost told you a lot of times, but if I did, I’d be doing it with the wrong intentions. Sometimes I just wanted to make you feel guilty. On others, I wanted you to beg for me to take you back. And on others, during bad late nights where I couldn’t sleep, I wanted to be the one doing the begging. I wanted to ask you to take me back and to forgive me and to pretend to love me even if you didn’t. So I just kept it a secret until I had a good reason not to. Until I had you back.”

Eddie felt it again, the feeling that was so familiar now. The warmth spreading all over his body and making his heart skip a beat. The way only Steve made him feel. So wanted. So loved.

“I love you,” Eddie said before crashing their lips together. Steve laughed, the kiss turning into a mess of laughter and nipping and pulling and pushing.

They would end up naked, no doubt. But Eddie had no rush for that. He would enjoy kissing Steve and whispering to him how much he loved him. How he couldn’t wait to marry him.

x

March 9th, 2000

Los Angeles Times

Tying the Knot

Eddie Munson and Steve Harrington have officially tied the knot.

The two musicians had a small wedding ceremony on an old farm back in Indiana, where Munson’s family is from.

With less than 10 people in attendance, the two exchanged vows during the sunset and you can see some pictures below.

We reached out to their PR team who only said they were happy and excited for some time together during their honeymoon in Italy. We also heard word that Munson is already working on Corroded Coffin’s fourth studio album and that we can “expect the most romantic shit ever”.

We’ll be expecting it, alright. And in the mean time, we wish the married couple all the best.