Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

The nightlife is but an illusion of eternal pleasure and youth.

—

Jimin’s heart beats loudly as he waits for his turn. His look for the night is finished with some glitter, and he’s ready to go.

The nerves disappear as soon as he steps on the stage. Each night he is reborn under the lights, not as Jimin but as Sapphire, one of the city’s most popular pole dancers. She’s beautiful and confident, wanted by men and women alike. She moves gracefully, flawlessly executing the practiced routine. She’s an artist, no matter what the audience thinks of her profession.

When she performs, she has it all. She dances to the music, soaking in the lights and the looks they give her. It’s thrilling, and she’s addicted to that thrill. 

Sapphire doesn’t have a past or a future. She only has the here and now, the moment where she shines brighter than anything. 

Even the familiar face in the crowd won’t interrupt her flow. There are a lot of regulars, and she knows many of them come here to see her. That man is no different, not to Sapphire. She doesn’t care if his reason is different. It doesn’t matter if the man is here or not, it is all the same to the pole dancer. 

She dances, giving it her all while making the difficult routine seem effortless. The smooth and sensual motions gain her the expected reaction, cheers and money thrown her way abundantly. 

Only one person in the room stays still, quietly looking at the star of the night. Sapphire won’t give him the satisfaction of having their eyes meet. All the attention should be on her, the performer.

Sapphire never leaves the stage. Once he reaches the dressing room, he’s back to being just Jimin. Jimin isn’t made of glitter and gold, Jimin is spite and bad decisions. And worst of all, he can’t ignore the man who looks at him so intensely it almost feels like a physical touch. A touch that Jimin craves.

Jimin wishes he had told him to stay away. But it’s already too late for regrets.

– 

“Don’t you have anything else to do? Other places to be?” Jimin asks, looking at the asphalt. It’s wet from rain, and the air is still humid. They’re behind the strip club as usual. Jimin always enters and exits through the backdoor.

“You told me to come here if I wanted to see you,” Hoseok reminds.

“And now you’ve seen me.”

Jimin makes to leave, but Hoseok grabs his wrist. It’s not the first time. Sometimes Jimin thinks he might be stuck in a time loop.

“Just one?”

“It’s never just one.”

Jimin knows that’s exactly why Hoseok asks for it. Jimin should stop falling for it.

“What about Sapphire?”

Hoseok must be really desperate this time. He doesn’t mention Jimin’s stage persona much. It’s always the last resort.

And it works.

“You’d take her dancing?”

“It would be my pleasure.”

It’s a dance all too familiar. It starts with the kiss, the one that always turns into them making out passionately. Hands wander, following the same routes they always do along their bodies. Sapphire’s skin burns, and when she cries, it’s only from pleasure. Sapphire only cries diamonds.

–

Jimin is not a morning person. The sunlight creeping into the bedroom hurts his eyes and the warmth of a body beside him makes him sick to his stomach. He ended up in Hoseok’s bed again, despite telling himself over and over to stop this. 

It’s pathetic. He’s pathetic.

Hoseok doesn’t try to hold him back when he gets up, but Jimin’s sure he’s awake. He doesn’t have to look at him to know. After all, they’ve been doing this for months. Maybe Jimin isn’t crazy and it really is a time loop. He chuckles a little at the thought, humorless.

“Jimin,” Hoseok calls, confirming Jimin’s suspicion.

Jimin doesn’t react, quickly dressing up. Getting ready to get the fuck away.

“I could make coffee,” he offers, knowing Jimin doesn’t eat breakfast.

“I’ll get some on the way.”

Jimin is fixing his hair before the mirror, and sees Hoseok’s reflection get up from bed. He turns around to face him, piercing eyes daring him to come any closer.

“One more step and you’re banned from the club.”

Hoseok grimaces, but he does listen. He always listens. He only does the things he does because Jimin lets him. Jimin can only be mad at himself and that’s what frustrates him the most.

“Don’t expect this to happen again,” Jimin mutters and leaves.

—

5 months ago

Jimin first meets Hoseok on New Year’s. Fresh out of a relationship that ended in a painful break up, Jimin was just looking for a casual one night stand. It was supposed to be easy, people flirted with him all the time while he was still in a relationship.

No one at the club catches his eye before the lights illuminate that handsome face. The man is with two of his friends, who seem to be a couple. Despite being the third wheel, the man looks like he’s enjoying himself, moving like he owns the place although Jimin’s never seen him here before. It fascinates him, the ease and confidence the man radiates.

And Jimin gets lucky, because the interest isn’t one-sided. The handsome stranger returns the hunger in his gaze, coming towards him with a clear intent.

Jimin is not drunk, only a little tipsy, but it sure feels like the former when those lips meet his. Scorching hot, like he’s flown too close to the sun. It’s okay, he isn’t scared of falling into the ocean. He’d be glad to drown in the waves of pleasure.

When Hoseok asks him ‘mine or yours’, Jimin takes a moment to think. His apartment was full of memories, painful ones. And even when he wishes to erase the remnants of his ex, a part of him isn’t ready to let another man in there.

“Yours. If you don’t mind,” Jimin breathes into his mouth, kissing him deeply one more time before he lets Hoseok lead him to the exit.

Jimin can hear the blood rush in his ears when he stares at the foreign bed. For the first time during the night, he doubts if this is a good idea. Would sex with a handsome stranger really make it better? Was he doing this for himself or just to spite Noah?

“You can still back off if you want to,” Hoseok says. Jimin winces at that, realizing that the other can sense his hesitation.

Jimin shakes his head. He’s already come this far. What was one more mistake anyway? His hands find their way to the front of Hoseok’s shirt, unbuttoning it slowly.

“I recently broke up with my boyfriend. He was an ass, I don’t want him to ruin this too. He always had a problem with the way I expressed myself sexually.”

“Fuck him.”

“Yeah. We always argued about my job. I’m a pole dancer at this strip club, and he really hated that I let other people see me like that.”

“Pole dancing? That’s hot,” Hoseok smirks, mouthing at his neck.

It feels good, Hoseok’s touch on him. The hot and wet mouth, the wandering hands so eager yet soft. It’s as if he’s comforting Jimin without having to say anything. Assuring that he is desirable the way he is.

The quiet ‘are you okay’ when he sees the tears in Jimin’s eyes. The gentle way he takes him apart, a lot sweeter than Jimin would expect from a practical stranger. Almost loving, as if Jimin was something precious, something to be adored.

And Jimin lets him. Lets him treat him like a lover and not the one night stand he was meant to be.

Jimin didn’t intend to stay the night, but he was too tired to go back home. He can’t leave quietly in the morning either, not when Hoseok has woken up first and made breakfast.

“Good morning,” Hoseok greets, smiling like the morning sun. “I made some toast for breakfast. And coffee, if you’d like.”

Jimin’s not sure if he likes his friendliness or not. But since he doesn’t want to be rude, he decides to stay.

“Thanks, I’ll have some coffee then. I don’t usually eat breakfast.”

“That’s okay! I would have asked, but you looked so comfortable sleeping.”

Jimin can’t help but smile. Hoseok was a great guy, very considerate—and good in bed too. Whoever he’d end up with would be winning the jackpot. 

They end up talking a bit more over coffee before Hoseok has to leave for work. He offers to drop him off, but Jimin declines. He’ll just walk.

Hoseok leans in for a kiss, but when Jimin doesn’t reciprocate, he leaves a light kiss on his cheek instead.

“Thank you, Jimin. I had a great time. Hope to see you again next time.”

—

Present day

Jimin is woken from his midday nap by a familiar ringtone. Taehyung is calling him.

“Yes?”

“Jimin! Can I do your shift tonight? I kinda need extra money…”

Jimin sighs. Not again.

“I’d appreciate a bit earlier notice. But fine by me. Just make sure to use that money on you.”

“You’re the best! Talk to you later, love you!”

“Love you too, Tae,” Jimin replies, smiling when he hears Taehyung make a kissing sound before hanging up.

To tell the truth, he's worried about his friend. Unlike Jimin, he lives home with his mother and goes to college. His mother doesn’t work, so Taehyung has to make enough money for the both of them. Pole dancing at the club pays them well; the problem is Taehyung’s mother. Or rather, her gambling addiction. She burns money faster than her son can earn.

Taehyung refuses to let go, and Jimin has stopped telling him to. He’s accepted that he can’t change his mind, yet he can’t stop worrying.

However, there’s a temporary relief, a short break from all the sorrows and worries that cloud his mind. He only needs to turn the music on and let it guide him.

Jimin loves dancing as much as Sapphire does, even if their routines are very different. Even their dance styles differ.

Sapphire is a masterful pole dancer. But before pole, Jimin had ballet.

‘Do you like Sapphire more than me?’

‘What a stupid question. I like all of you.’

‘Really? I thought you loved to watch her dance.’

‘I do. But I’ve always wished you’d show me how you dance, Jimin.’

Jimin is not as strong as Sapphire, not as confident. Jimin is fragile and insecure. But his moves are still smooth and precise, and he knows this routine by heart. He’s been perfecting it for years after all, ever since he still took ballet classes.

‘How was it?’

‘Breathtaking. But…’

‘But?’

‘Heartbreaking.’

When he completes the routine, his heart no longer aches.

–

The strip club is open every day except Monday and Tuesday. Jimin is one of their five regular dancers, and at least three of them work during each night. Sapphire, Ruby and Crystal are currently the most popular, but all of the gems are given an equal chance to shine. Emerald—also nicknamed as Emma—is the most experienced and has worked at the club the longest. Crystal is the newest addition to the group, and the youngest. Then there’s Amethyst, Ann for short.

The three girls often do group routines, while Jimin and Taehyung like to perform alone. And while there are only five regulars, the club often features guest performers as well. Jimin prefers working with their own group, but he won’t complain. Not when this is his only option at the moment.

Sometimes Jimin dreams of packing his bags and flying somewhere far away. He’s been saving up as much as he can with the high and constantly rising rent.

He wants to escape. Escape from this city, from America, from Taehyung, Hoseok and maybe himself.

Especially himself.

-

Chapter Text

Lust is more profitable than love, even though the line between is often blurred.

—

4 months ago

Jimin didn’t expect to ever see Hoseok again, was counting on it even. Yet there he was, leaning back in his chair with a drink in one hand. When the music starts and Sapphire enters the stage, Hoseok turns to look. She catches the exact moment when the realization dawns on him. Jimin would have thought he’d leave, but Hoseok only looks surprised for a second before his lips quirk up into a smirk. He watches Sapphire’s dance intently, not sparing a glance at anyone else.

Sapphire feels challenged, a surge of energy rushing inside her. She’ll show him a stage he won’t be able to forget.

Sapphire is dressed in dark blue lingerie, corset ankle boots and silver jewelry. It’s her signature look, but she glows more than usual tonight. She can tell from the reactions of the audience, enchanted by her every move. Feeling more daring than usual, Sapphire breaks from the routine and improvises.

When Sapphire’s turn is over and the crowd cheers, she knows something has changed. Jimin's hunch is confirmed by the other dancers and the staff complimenting him.

“Jimin! When did you come up with that choreo? That was amazing!” Taehyung praises.

“It was all Sapphire,” Jimin smiles, high-fiving his excited friend.

“Ruby, you’re up next!” the manager calls. Taehyung whines, and Jimin pats his back in support.

“It’s unfair that I have to perform right after you, especially after that.”

“Tough luck, love.”

While Jimin’s removing his makeup, a staff member hands him a slip of paper.

“Some nicely dressed guy left his number for you,” he winks.

Normally Jimin would throw it away, but the signature under the phone number piques his interest. Hoseok.

Riding on the rush of the performance, Jimin says fuck it and calls the number.

—

Present day

It’s Saturday, the busiest day of the week. Jimin and Taehyung are both working, but the latter seems more quiet than usual. Reserved. When Jimin offers to do his makeup, he agrees with a small nod.

“You’re spacing out, Tae,” Jimin says softly as he applies the foundation. “Did something happen?”

“Remember how you told me to use that extra money on myself? I actually put some money aside, but mom found out. She got super mad.”

“Did…did she hurt you?”

“She slapped me. But the shouting was worse.”

It’s scary how emotionless Taehyung looks saying it. Jimin can’t get used to it.

“Baby… How about staying at my place for a few days?”

Taehyung’s expression softens at the pet name.

“Like an extended sleepover? I’d like that.”

After some finishing touches, Jimin completes Taehyung’s makeup. The latter kisses his cheek in gratitude before entering the stage.

Dummy, you smudged your lipstick, Jimin thinks fondly.

He doesn’t remove the lipstick stain on his cheek. The audience won’t mind.

–

The two best friends get to Jimin’s apartment in the early hours of the morning. Taehyung is still quiet, but at least he’s smiling. They get ready for bed, brushing their teeth side by side. It’s comfortable, familiar. Although the last time they did this was in high school, it feels like no time has passed at all.

And when Taehyung sits at the edge of the bed, looking up at Jimin with an unspoken plea, Jimin knows what he wants. Needs.

Because Taehyung’s lips are familiar too.

“Jimin…”

“I know. I’ll take care of you, okay?”

It really is like they’re back in high school. Back when they found out they both liked boys and agreed to be each other’s first. The intimacy they shared naturally weaved them closer together, and they spent many such nights together, exploring this previously uncovered side of themselves. That was until Noah came into the picture.

But Jimin doesn’t want to think of him anymore.

“If I had to get married, I would want you to be my partner.”

They’re cuddling now, both on the brink of falling asleep. Jimin sighs in content as Taehyung plays with his hair.

“You should set higher standards, Tae.”

“Not gonna happen. I feel more comfortable with people who are like me.”

“It sounds like you met someone of a higher standard,” Jimin says, half playful and half serious.

“Mm. There’s this guy in college. He noticed I don’t eat much and offered to get me lunch. We hung out a few times, and he asked me out.”

“You turned him down.”

“Yeah. Jungkook–his name is Jungkook and he’s a great person but…it wouldn’t work.”

Jimin gets what Taehyung means. The feeling that you’re undeserving of someone’s affections was something he knew too well, really.

“Even after I turned him down, he’d follow me around like a puppy,” Taehyung laughs a little, but even then he sounds sad. “I just can’t imagine telling him I work at a strip club. And then there’s mom…”

Jimin hugs him tighter, wondering if he’s crying. He wishes Taehyung took the chance at love, but saying it aloud would only make him a hypocrite. Jimin wasn’t any braver.

—

3 months ago 

Ever since Hoseok gave him his number, the two have been hooking up pretty often. Jimin still hasn’t taken him home, but he lets the older give him a ride in the morning after. And once they arrive, Jimin kisses him goodbye, promising to see him later.

Hoseok remains a gentleman. He asks about Jimin’s day—and night—but never pries too much. Never asks why they don’t ever do this at Jimin’s apartment. Never gives Jimin a reason to run away.

Not until that day.

Jimin’s taking a shower with Hoseok. He feels his eyes on him, but before he can ask if Hoseok wants to go for another round, the older speaks up.

“Have I ever told you how beautiful you are?”

“Only a dozen times,” Jimin smiles. He loves hearing it from him.

Hoseok takes the body wash, using his hands to rub it on Jimin’s shoulders and down his back.

“That’s too little. I should do better.”

“You’re already being too good to me. I can’t believe you’re still single, you must be popular,” Jimin laughs airily.

Hoseok stops washing him, and Jimin turns to look at him, confused by his serious expression.

“Jimin, actually, I’ve been thinking about something.”

“Yeah? What is it?”

“I like what we have, but what if…what if we made it official?”

Jimin blinks, the waterdrops falling from his eyelashes. His mind feels blank, unable to comprehend the suggestion.

“Official? You mean you want to date me?”

“Yeah. I like you a lot, Jimin. I would be honored to be your boyfriend.”

Jimin turns around and turns the shower off. He reaches for a towel, shivering as the water on his skin evaporates. He can’t believe what Hoseok is saying.

“I… I’m not looking for a relationship. I thought we were a no-strings-attached kind of deal.”

“Please, just give it some thought. I promise I’ll make you happy.”

You can’t promise that.

“Don’t call me anymore. If you want to see me, come to the club like the others,” Jimin says. His tone is firm, but he can’t look Hoseok in the eye as he leaves him alone in the shower.

—

Present day

Jimin wakes up before Taehyung, which is no surprise considering the latter’s constant lack of sleep. It’s even worse than Jimin’s.

At least he’s having a good sleep now, Jimin thinks, ruffling his hair affectionately before leaving to make himself some coffee. He doesn’t know if Taehyung has lectures that day, but even if he did, Jimin wouldn’t have the heart to wake him up. In his current condition it’s better to just skip.

Taehyung has a crush. Neither of them said it aloud, but they both know it. Taehyung wouldn’t be so sad if he didn’t have any feelings for Jungkook.

Jimin wouldn’t be so sad if he didn’t have feelings for-

No.

Jimin drinks the steaming hot coffee black, cringing when it burns his tongue. He takes the coffee with him to the bed, finishing it in a peaceful silence only interrupted by Taehyung’s soft snores.

–

Jimin hasn’t seen Hoseok in two weeks. He should be relieved, but instead he feels anxious. What if Hoseok has finally given up on him? Finally gotten tired of the chase? That’s a good thing, isn’t it?

But what if it wasn’t what Jimin truly wanted?

A little bit more time and he’d give in. He doesn’t want to acknowledge it, but it’s true. He’s so close to accepting the love that is more than he deserves. One more confession of selfless love from the other and he’d break.

But what if it doesn’t come?

It makes Jimin irritable, snapping at Ann when she jokes about him going for an unusually glamorous outfit and makeup as if trying to make an impression on someone. He does apologize for it afterwards, but the bitter emotion lingers.

Sapphire still shines on stage, still absorbs the excitement in the room. Still beautiful. Still unbreakable.

When Jimin returns backstage, he finds Ann there, hugging Crystal. The normally bright younger looks distraught, worryingly so. Jimin shares a look with Ann, it’s her turn on the stage next.

“Take care of her, okay?” Ann says, quickly applying lipstick before leaving the two alone.

Jimin nods, sitting next to Crystal. She’s not full on crying, but her eyes are teary nonetheless.

“What’s wrong sweetheart? You can tell me.”

“My-my sister found out I’m working at a strip club. She-she called me names and said that mom and dad would be so disappointed if-if they knew...”

Jimin’s heart feels heavy as he hears her voice break with the painful words.

“I’m so sorry. She shouldn’t have said any of that. You’re precious and so loved, okay? Don’t forget that.”

“What do I do if she tells our parents? Would it be better if I told them myself? What would you do?”

Jimin smiles faintly.

“I don’t know. I don’t have parents.”

Crystal looks surprised, finally facing Jimin. He takes a cotton pad from the vanity, and dabs her tears away with it.

“It will be okay. We are here if you need anything. Even if you decide to quit, you can still reach out to us, alright? We’ll help.”

Crystal nods, hugging Jimin.

“Thank you.”

If only the rest of them could be this open about their problems.

-

Three weeks. Hoseok hasn’t come to the club in three weeks. The days blur, merging into a vague period of time that feels infinite.

One night when Taehyung calls him, Jimin invites him over, but gets rejected. Taehyung says his mother has been in a good mood lately and has been nice to him. They both know it means that she’s having a winning streak and that it will all come crashing down when she starts to lose money again. But Jimin can’t deny Taehyung those moments of fleeting happiness. 

After exchanging good nights and I love yous, Jimin hangs up. He has never been envious of Taehyung’s situation, but he does wonder what it would be like to still have a relationship with his parents. Wonders if Taehyung really is happier with the toxic relationship he and his mom have than with nothing at all.

Jimin gets on the floor, searching for the box he keeps under his bed. He pulls it out, wiping the dust with his hand. A lump begins to form in his throat as he opens it, gently taking the worn out ballet shoes in his hands. They hold so many memories, good and bad. Memories that he has long since forgotten, and memories that he can’t forget no matter how hard he tries.

He holds the shoes against his chest, letting the tears fall. He isn’t sure why he’s crying—there are probably more reasons than one—he just knows he can’t hold it back any longer.

—

Chapter Text

Is it possible to be so broken that all the happiness just seeps out through the cracks? 

—

6 years ago

Jimin and Taehyung are sitting in the school cafeteria. They have been eating in silence for a while now because Jimin’s attention is somewhere else.

“What are you looking at?” Taehyung asks, curious and maybe a bit nosy.

“Nothing…”

Taehyung doesn’t accept the answer, looking around until he realizes what had caught his friend’s eye.

“Oh! Noah Davis, huh?” he smirks.

Jimin’s heart jumps at the name. He blushes, hoping that no one heard his friend.

“Not so loud.”

“Sorry baby. But I’m surprised, I didn’t know he was your type. He’s a little…cold.”

“That’s just a front. I’m sure he’s secretly a softie,” Jimin smiles, all dreamy.

“If you say so,” Taehyung shrugs, stealing a french fry from Jimin’s plate and frowning when Jimin doesn’t say anything. “Are you going to confess?”

“Of course not! He’ll just reject me. It’s better to admire him from afar.”

“Can’t be sure unless you try. If he rejects you, you’ll still have me,” Taehyung reassures. He grins like it’s a joke, but Jimin knows he means it.

“True. We’ll always have each other.”

—

Present day

Jimin stares at his reflection in the mirror. Emma is doing his hair for him, likely having noticed Jimin wasn’t all there today. He’s drowsy, and the painkillers didn’t do shit for his headache. 

“Are you sure you should be working today?” Emma asks.

“It’s fine. I didn’t sleep well, but I can handle it. I think I could do the choreo in my sleep at this point.”

“I don’t doubt that at all. But it’s okay to take a break when things get hard, okay?”

“I know. I just thought this could get my mind off those things.”

Emma doesn’t comment on that, only hums and smiles when she finally finishes doing his hair.

“Thank you, Emma.”

“No problem. Go and give them a show they’ll remember,” she winks. 

Sapphire enters the stage, and the crowd cheers for her. Everything is the same as always, except that it’s not. Something is out of place. Something that should be there, isn’t. And something that shouldn’t be, is.

He’s there, and he doesn’t see Sapphire. Only Jimin.

Noah looks at her—looks at him.

Denies the existence of a her. 

The confidence with which Sapphire carries herself wavers, and she feels cold. It feels like Noah is scratching all the glitter off her skin, nails sharp enough to draw blood. Sapphire is Jimin, but Noah wants them separated. Wants to peel off the skin when she’s deep in Jimin’s veins. 

The crowd no longer cheers. 

—

5 years ago

Jimin gets careless. He is so enamored by his boyfriend that he forgets his surroundings, his circumstances. He forgets to take into account his parents.

It hurts. It fucking hurts and Jimin doesn’t know what to do. Should he turn around? Beg for forgiveness when he didn't even do anything wrong? No, he can’t. But he needs a place to stay.

His phone weighs heavy in his hand. He doesn’t know why, but he’s scared to call him. Despite all the I love yous exchanged between them, he doubts Noah would be happy to house him. He doesn’t want to be a burden to him.

But there is no other option.  Jimin no longer has a family to turn to.

Jimin is only 16 when he moves in with his older boyfriend. There are good days and bad days. After Jimin discovers he’s genderfluid and tells his boyfriend about it, only bad days remain.

—

Present day

Jimin wants to go home. He really does, but what if Noah is at the back door waiting? He doesn’t want to see him. Can’t afford to see him.

He wonders if Taehyung is still awake, if maybe he could pick him up. But that could get ugly. After all, Noah never liked Taehyung. Despised him even. All because the two friends used to fool around sometimes.

Jimin bites his lip, tasting blood. Should he call Hoseok? Would he even answer? Help Jimin after everything?

“Are you okay"?”

It’s Ann. Her shift is starting soon while Jimin’s ended a while ago. She doesn’t show it, but Jimin knows she’s surprised to see he’s still there.

“Yeah, I’m just waiting for a ride.”

“I think your driver is already here,” Ann says, pointing at the door. “There’s a guy waiting for you outside.”

Jimin turns pale. He wasn’t scared for nothing, Noah really was there.

He ignores Ann’s questions and calls Hoseok in panic. He’ll deal with the consequences later.

“Hello?” Hoseok answers immediately, like he was already on his phone.

“Take me home, please, Hoseok! I’m at the club and-”

“Wait,” Hoseok says and suddenly Jimin hears knocking from the backdoor. A chill runs through him, heart in his throat when Ann goes to answer the door.

No, no, no…

“Jimin?”

The familiar voice comes both from the door and the phone. Jimin looks up and sees Hoseok in the doorway, a concerned expression on his face. In this moment he looks like an angel to Jimin.

“Hoseok…”

Hoseok crouches down in front of him, and when he cradles Jimin’s face, he can no longer hold back the tears.

“I’ll take him home. I promise,” Hoseok tells Ann, who is still looking at them in worry. She considers the situation for a moment, deciding that since Jimin called the man, he must be trustworthy. 

“Alright. I hope he’s okay.”

Jimin lets Hoseok pull him up from the floor, lets him lead him outside and to his car. He’s still shivering, and the cool air of the early morning hours doesn’t help. Hoseok, as attentive as usual, turns up the temperature of the car.

“Will you tell me what’s wrong?”

He should. But he doesn’t want to share the whole story.

“I saw someone in the crowd tonight. I was scared that they’d be waiting for me outside.”

“A stalker? Jimin, that’s dangerous. You should tell the police.”

“No. Or at least I don’t think he’s stalking me. It was my ex.”

“The shitty ex who didn’t like that you’re a pole dancer?”

“That’s him. He didn’t like a lot of things,” Jimin laughs bitterly.

“Was he at the club for you?”

“I think so… I don’t know what to do, I really don’t want to see him.”

“Can’t they blacklist him?”

Jimin thinks about it. Would the manager agree? He might, considering that Jimin was one of their most popular performers.

“I didn’t think of that. I will ask if they can do that.”

They’re already in front of his apartment, but Jimin makes no move to get out of the car. If he leaves just like this, will he ever see Hoseok again? Does he want to see him again? Why?

“Why were you at the club?” he asks.

Hoseok sighs.

“I wanted to see you. Just one last time.”

Jimin turns quickly to face him. His heart skips a beat, and not in a good way.

“Last time?”

“You can’t expect this to go on forever, Jimin. Don’t string me along.”

“I…I’m not ready for a relationship. Not yet.”

“I’ve waited for months. How do I know if you’ll ever be ready?”

Jimin doesn’t know either. He just knows how much he ached when Hoseok wasn’t there. How relieved he was when Hoseok answered his call and was there for him.

“If there was anyone I’d want by my side, it would be you.”

It’s all he can say. And it isn’t nearly enough.

“Really? But how exactly do you want me? We can’t be together if we want different things.”

Hoseok is right. He has to make up his mind.

“How would you feel if I started seeing someone else?”

Jimin’s breath catches in his lungs. He has never let himself think about it. Just the idea of Hoseok being with someone else makes his skin crawl. If Hoseok were to love someone else, touch someone else like he touches Jimin…

“I would be jealous,” he admits.

“See?” Hoseok smiles. His eyes are sad. “Give me an answer next time. Yes or no.”

“…Okay.”

—

4 months ago

She feels good tonight. Her heart is still beating fast from the thrill of this night’s performance, and she has another dance to do. Not at the club but in Hoseok’s apartment. 

“I’m so glad you called, Jimin,” Hoseok breathes into her neck. His breath feels hot and so does his touch. She thinks she could melt under him.

“Call me Sapphire tonight,” she asks.

“Okay,” Hoseok agrees easily. No hesitation, no questions. “Would you dance for me, Sapphire?”

“Gladly,” she smiles mischievously. “Did you know there are a lot of moves I can do without the pole?”

“Oh?” Hoseok raises a brow, playing along.

“It’s more fun with a partner though. Would you dance with me?”

“I’d love to. But you’ll have to guide me.”

“Of course. I’ll show you how it’s done,” Sapphire whispers against Hoseok’s lips before kissing him properly. Hoseok follows her lead, giving her the reins. It’s exhilarating.

She has never shined like she did that night. She’s never felt as confident, as beautiful and desired. Worshiped, even. As much as life has fucked her over, at least now she can be in control. 

—

Present day

Jimin can’t sleep. All he can do is think of Hoseok and how happy he could be if he only let himself. But who’s to say that that happiness would last? He could catch it, but if he wasn’t careful, it would flee.

He stares at his phone as if it could give him the answer he’s looking for. He takes it in his hand, mindlessly scrolling through his chat with Hoseok. There aren’t many messages, and not once did Jimin send one first. It was always Hoseok asking if Jimin got home safe or if he wanted to meet later. 

It was always Hoseok chasing after him, and that’s what Jimin was the most comfortable with. But Hoseok had the right to wish he was wanted back. By Jimin or by someone else.

Jimin has the urge to call Hoseok, but he ends up calling Taehyung instead. 

“Hi? What’s up?”

“I saw Noah,” Jimin blurts out. He didn’t mean to start like that.

“That fucker… Did he say something? Are you okay?”

“I was on the stage. He didn’t say anything but… the way he looked at me… I couldn’t finish my routine.”

“Baby… I’m sorry. Do you want me to come over? I’ll bring ice cream.”

“It’s okay. I just wanted to talk to you.”

“I’m here. We can talk as long as you want.”

“Thank you, Tae. Actually… I wanted to talk about Hoseok too.”

“Mm. I’m all ears.”

Jimin can tell from Taehyung’s voice that he’s smiling. A small smile forms on his own face.

“He took me home from the club. We talked in the car.”

“Did you tell him how you feel?”

“It’s no good. I still couldn’t decide. Hoseok said he won’t wait forever.”

“Jimin… you know you should take this chance. You told me he was a great guy, and we don’t meet those often. I want to see you happy.”

“Back at you,” Jimin remarks, but his tone is soft.

“…How about this? If you take the step to fix things with Hoseok, I’ll go on that date with Jungkook.”

Jimin gulps, but it does nothing to the lump in his throat. Would Taehyung really go through with it? For both of their happiness?

He wants to try.

“Promise? It won’t be fair if you back out.”

“I promise. I’m tired of running away too.”

“It’s exhausting, isn’t it?”

Taehyung hums, affirmative. Jimin wishes he had called him over so he could hold him.

“Very much so.”

—

Chapter Text

Maybe it rained during the night

Judging by my wet pillow

I was hoping this wouldn't be a dream

But the maybe is a definite

(HUTA - Purple Rain (feat. CHEEZE))

—

Present day

Jimin puts on his playlist and dances. It’s not his old ballet routine nor one for work. It’s a mess of limbs and unplanned movements as he lets the waves of music rock him like a little boat at sea.

'Falling in the rain'

He’ll go to Hoseok first next time. He just needs to find the courage to do it.

'Falling in the rain'

He’ll give him an answer. He just needs to figure out what it will be.

'Falling, falling'

He’ll move on from this stillness. He just needs to face the world.

Does he love Hoseok? Yes, yes he does. There’s no longer any doubt in him. But does he love him more than he despises himself?

Not yet. But he’ll get there, won’t he? He’ll just have to let himself fill up with love until there’s no room for any self-hatred.

He just needs some time.

-

Jimin works with Taehyung and Emma tonight. Taehyung stopped by his apartment and they walked to the club together. When they arrive Emma is already there, staring off into the distance.

“Is something wrong?” Taehyung asks.

“Crystal is quitting.”

Jimin feels a pang in his chest. He hopes things didn’t get worse since the last time he spoke with her.

“Did she say why?” he asks.

“She said she found another job. But that’s probably not all that happened,” Emma sighs. “Whatever the reason is, it might be for the best that she quit.”

They all know Emma has wanted to quit many times. Her sense of responsibility just doesn’t let her, no matter how many times they say it’s okay. As the oldest of them, she took on the role of a big sister. They’re working in an industry full of issues, and Emma wanted to make sure the others would have an easier time than she has.

“You’re right,” Taehyung agrees. “Time will come when all of us do.”

His words surprise Jimin. As far as he knows, Taehyung has never intended to leave. Emma on the other hand doesn’t look all that shocked, nodding in understanding.

“It will. But first we have a show to put on,” she smiles.

-

What is it about dancing that attracts her so? What is it about performing in front of a crowd that doesn’t even care about her art and talent that makes her feel more confident in herself? If she had the chance to trade this life to another, would she do it?

If she had Hoseok by her side in that life, perhaps she would. Because being with him feels a lot like dancing. 

As she looks at the club-goers now, she feels about ready to say goodbye and let go.

—

3 years ago

Jimin has barely turned 18 when he starts working at a strip club. He can’t keep depending on his boyfriend forever, and it’s the highest paying job a high school dropout like him can find without any further education. 

He doesn’t tell Noah at first. Their relationship hasn’t been the best, and he wants to hold onto the little love that there still is. He’ll just drop some hints and ease him into it.

He does tell Taehyung, who seems unexpectedly curious about it. He’s already working part-time, but the prospect of earning more money is alluring. Unlike Jimin, he’s planning on going to college. Jimin admires how hard-working he is, although he’s also worried his friend will burn himself out.

Pole dancing is quite different from ballet, but his experience helps with balance and posture, and his natural sense of rhythm makes learning a new dance style easier. The sensuality brings out Jimin’s feminine side, and he welcomes it. Noah never sees him as anything else than a man, leading Jimin to seek validation elsewhere.

Jimin loves getting her hair and makeup done, loves the jewelry and ankle boots. She loves feeling sexy and desired. It’s exciting, addicting. Noah wouldn’t let Jimin wear anything revealing when they went out, but here she was dressed in lingerie. Rebelling like this was refreshing.

It felt like a big fuck you to the people he once called his parents. He lost ballet because of them, but he was still dancing.

Still breathing.

—

Present day

It’s been nearly three weeks since Hoseok took him home from the club. He hasn’t contacted Jimin since, and Jimin can sense his time is running out.

It’s a gloomy Friday night when Jimin takes the step and calls him. Hoseok doesn’t pick up the call, so he messages him instead. He needs to see him, tell him.

> Meet me at my apartment? I have an answer for you.

After five agonizing minutes, he gets a response.

> I’ll be there in 15.

Jimin feels a little like he did when Noah asked him out. Nervous, excited, nervous. This time it was his turn to confess. He would give his heart to someone that deserved it, someone that would cherish it.

Taehyung had that date with Jungkook tonight too, and Jimin can’t wait to meet up with him later. They will finally be happy.

He throws on his coat and leaves his apartment, deciding to wait for Hoseok outside. He needs some air or he’ll burst. 

It’s cold, and the first drops of rain are already falling. Jimin could go back inside to get an umbrella, but he doesn’t want to miss seeing Hoseok as soon as possible. He should be here in five minutes.

Four…three…two…one…

Hoseok is late. It’s okay, maybe something came up. Jimin checks his phone just in case. No new messages.

It starts to pour and there’s no point in fetching an umbrella anymore. He’s already soaked anyway. When Hoseok comes they can go inside, he’ll change into dry clothes then. 

It will be the first time he has Hoseok over at his place. He can’t believe it took this long to take him home—he’s been in Jimin’s heart for quite some time.

Six minutes after the given time Jimin sees a familiar car. Hoseok parks on the side of the road, and as excited as Jimin was to see him, now that he is here Jimin can’t seem to move from his spot. He’s frozen in place, waiting with bated breath. 

Water splashes when Hoseok steps into a puddle, his eyes on Jimin. He looks serious, and Jimin misses the warmth of his smile. 

“Why are you standing in the rain?”

“I was waiting for you,” Jimin pouts. 

“We’ve both been waiting. You said you had an answer, let’s hear it.”

Jimin feels cold and it’s not just from the rain anymore. Hoseok has never been this distant with him.

“We should go inside first?” he suggests. It comes out as a question.

“You can say it now.”

Jimin’s heart aches. This is not how he expected things to go. Was Hoseok going to reject him? There was no way he would do that after chasing after Jimin for months…right?

He closes his eyes, opening his desperate heart in turn.

“I love you. I love you and I want to be with you. I won’t make you wait anymore, I’m ready. As ready as I’ll ever be. I’m still scared, but I’m willing to be brave for us if you let me.” 

“Jimin… Listen.”

Jimin opens his eyes once he hears his name, searching for reassurance on Hoseok’s face, but unable to find it. He tears up as his heart begins to crack.

“I’m glad you found your answer. And I’m flattered you feel that way, but-”

It breaks. His heart, it breaks.

“It’s too late, Jimin. You’re too late.”

Jimin can’t do anything but watch as Hoseok turns his back to him and walks away. He leaves Jimin behind just like that, uncaring of the heavy rain and the pain that blooms in Jimin’s chest. Cruel.

But Jimin was the one who was late.

Jimin was the one who expected too much.

He’s the one who decided to wait outside in this rain without an umbrella like a fool.

“Baby?”

Jimin turns slowly, barely catching a sight of Taehyung’s face before being pulled into his embrace. He’s holding an umbrella while hugging Jimin with his other arm. He’s warm, and Jimin nuzzles as close as he can. His tears wet Taehyung’s coat as he cries his heart out.

Taehyung doesn’t say anything. It’s painfully clear what happened here. The reason Taehyung’s here is obvious too, but Jimin still asks.

“What about Jungkook? Weren’t you supposed to be on a date with him?”

“I chickened out last minute. It seems I’m more of a coward than I thought,” Taehyung confesses.

“He won’t give up,” Jimin comments. “Even if you wanted him to.”

Taehyung hums in agreement.

“I hope so.”

Jimin smiles a little at that. In all honesty, he feels miserable. His beat and bruised heart has broken yet again, and he dreads having to pick up the fallen pieces all over again. But still…he has Taehyung beside him. His closest friend and the one who never left no matter how ugly things got.

“Tae?”

“Yes? What is it?”

“Can you stay over? I could use some cuddles tonight.”

“Of course,” Taehyung says softly, planting a kiss on Jimin’s cheek before letting go of him. “I’ll listen, if you want to talk about it.”

“Later,” Jimin promises.

The two of them head inside. It’s still raining, and all Jimin wants is a warm shower, hot chocolate and his softest blanket wrapped around him. 

The last of his tears flow down the drain with the water as he washes himself. His chest is still heavy, and he knows he’ll have to be careful not to step on the broken pieces of his heart, their edges sharp like glass. 

If the shower warmed his skin, then the hot chocolate warms him from the inside. Taehyung has chosen a playlist for them, and Jimin listens to him sing along to each song. After both of their cups are empty, they cuddle up together on Jimin’s bed.

This is where healing begins.

“Tae?” Jimin calls, not sure if the other is still awake. It’s late and they’ve both been quiet for some time.

“Yeah?” Taehyung answers, sleepy but definitely awake.

“I want to travel. I don’t know where, but it has to be outside of America.”

Jimin doesn’t know why, but he really wanted to say it aloud.

“Okay. Will you go alone?”

“Yeah. But I’ll call you. And send photos,” Jimin smiles.

Taehyung tickles him playfully, causing him to let out a laugh.

“You better.”

—

3 months later

It feels like a dream. But here Jimin is, sitting by a lake in the Ardennes, Belgium. He has settled in the shadow of a tall tree, hiding from the hot midday sun. It’s an unusually hot day for fall, but Jimin doesn’t mind it.

Jimin picks up his phone to take a picture and smiles when he sees the selfie Taehyung had sent him. Jungkook was in it too, posing for the camera with pouty lips. Taehyung had told him he wanted to be just friends for now, but who knows when that would change. Jimin is cheering for them.

He sends Taehyung a picture of the lake before taking out a journal from his backpack. It’s an old thing; Jimin hasn’t kept a diary since junior high. He reads an old entry out of curiosity, laughing at a weird dream he had written down. More than half of the journal is still blank, and Jimin intends on filling the space with memories of this trip. He started with planning the trip the day after confessing his wish of traveling to Taehyung, and he’s written twelve pages since.

Jimin is not sure if one and half weeks away counts as a proper escape, but it’s the best he could do with the money he had saved up. It’s the third day of his trip, and he already feels a bit lighter.

After spending some more time by the lake, Jimin continues his journey. The weight of his backpack is grounding, the forest around him peaceful. It’s a beautiful day.

One day Jimin sees a few kids from a village dancing joyfully, and joins the party. The kids don’t understand a word he says, nor does Jimin understand them, but they still dance and laugh together. It becomes his favorite memory from the trip.

So what if he still cries against the soft pillow of the inn when the night falls? So what if it rains during the trip and it reminds him of his heartbreak? He’s here to heal. And he’ll continue to do so when he returns.

The End