Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Mark hates this. Now don’t get Mark wrong. He absolutely loves how all of his members are here and performing together. He loves being able to hang out, play, and perform with all of his brothers. No that's not what Mark hates. What Mark hates is the choreography. Specifically, the part where he has to get on top of Jaemin’s back and stand there. On top. Of Jaemin’s back. Now any other member, he wouldn’t have minded. Heck it could’ve been Jisung. But no, this was Jaemin. Specifically the person who had missed a WHOLE comeback to get surgery on his BACK. Do you see Mark’s dilemma now?

And it’s not like the other members don’t care. They know. They understand. Especially Jaemin for some reason. But they somehow all have hope that Jaemin is cured and that Mark won’t hurt him. They say Jaemin is fine, even the man himself, and for Mark not to worry.

But how could he not? This was his member. He was his dream leader. How could he as his leader do this with the guilt looming over his head that he could be the cause of Jaemin’s next downfall.

Ever since learning the choreography, guilt and anxiety has been plaguing Mark’s mind and occupying Mark’s nights. He literally has a countdown to their next rehearsal, worry filling his every being for the dangers and possibilities that could happen during that move. He starts losing sleep over it, which doesn’t render in his mind until a member points it out.

“Mark hyung, what are those things under your eyes?” Jisung innocently points out during breakfast together one day.

“Bags, Jisung,” Chenle rolls his eyes. “They’re bags, you dimwit. Never seen them before?” Jisung sputters out at the insult, drawing more attention to Mark than he would have liked.

“Hyung, have you not been sleeping well?” Jeno asks worriedly, peering over from his spot.

“I-I am! Don’t worry about it,” Mark nervously says, mentally scolding himself. He’s never let himself get to this point before, even while managing multiple units at once. He can’t let himself ruin this comeback for all of them, their first one as an NCT whole unit.

“You sure? You look like you lost weight.” Donghyuck side comments. “They didn’t put you on a diet, did they? It didn’t look like you would need it.”

“I…” Mark starts to form a reply when the idea suddenly hits him. He wants to face palm heavily on himself that he hadn’t thought of it before! He could lose weight so that he wouldn’t be a heavy burden on Jaemin’s back! That would definitely lessen the pressure for sure! On both him and Jaemin.

“...I am, yeah,” Mark covers up quickly,

“Really? Why would they do that? You’re already so skinny hyung,” Renjun disapprovingly shakes his head.

Mark shrugs, not wanting to say anything to lie even more to his members but deciding this was the best route to take.

“Well, don’t let it affect your sleep too, hyung,” Jaemin mentions on the side, still looking worriedly over at him. As long as it was in worry and not in pain, Mark resolved in his head.

“Don’t worry, I’m just adjusting. I’ll make sure to get enough sleep guys.” Mark is sure that is true from now on since some peace had entered his mind at his newfound plan.

The members look over at him warily but as it’s not uncommon for their company to impose diets with their members, they pay no more attention to him with his reassuring remarks. They each find it unusual that it’s Mark who’s subject to it, given his high metabolism, but figures it might have to do with a full comeback this time and decides to trust him and their company. Little did they know…

Chapter Text

A few weeks go by with rehearsals in between and Mark has been steadily losing weight. He makes sure to get enough sleep, not wanting to worry his members more with his appearance but he’s starting to feel more confident and better about the choreography in his part.

It’s when Doyoung makes a comment that it all starts tumbling down.

“Hey, have you been losing weight?”

Mark sputters at that comment, taken aback as he wasn’t expecting it. Doyoung looks on at him with something unreadable in his eyes. They had just finished a round of rehearsal for Black on Black and were taking a quick break.

“Uh-uh I guess yeah? A little?” Mark stutters, heart pounding. Doyoung narrows his eyes at that comment, worry bleeding through.

“Yeah, the company had been enforcing it on him. You didn’t know hyung?” Jeno tries to be helpful as he chimes in, though does nothing more but bring upon panic to Mark who could feel his lie slowly being exposed.

“Enforcing it? Enforcing what,” And like a bee to his hive, Taeyong naturally makes his way into the conversation, eyebrows furrowed.

“Mark hyung’s diet.”

His world stops there.

“Diet? The company never mentioned anything about it. Mark? Did they put you on a diet?” Taeyong rounds up at him, the news startling him as he hadn’t heard of such a thing.

“Uh…uh.” Mark stares dumbfoundedly at his hyung for a few seconds too late that his hyung’s eyes have started to narrow in suspicion.

“Yeah, he mentioned it earlier in the comeback…” Chenle brought up, nervously looking at Taeyong’s reaction and seeing Mark’s frozen figure.

“Mark…” Taeyong warns, encouraging a response. “Did the company make you go on a diet? When did they tell you? I’ll be having words-”

“No! No, um,” Mark starts, not wanting to be exposed for his lie but knowing that it’ll make a bigger mess if Taeyong tried to take it with the company as they had no idea of the situation.

“What do you mean ‘no’ hyung, that’s what you told us,” Donghyuck, and the rest of the dreamies, confused, looked on.

“Mark? What’s going on?” Johnny joins their conversation. Mark, now feeling like there’s way too many people in this than he had originally planned, did not expect for this situation to happen.

“The company didn’t make you go on a diet, Mark?” Taeyong clarifies, needing that answer to soothe his mind first.

Gulping, Mark slowly shakes his head. The NCT Dream members look confused at his confession, rightfully so, as it had confirmed he had lied to them.

“What- but you told us hyung…?” Renjun brings up, hurt and confusion in his eyes.

“I…I know. I’m sorry. For lying to you guys.” Mark swallows, looking at each of the dream members earnestly.

“Then why-” Donghyuck starts, not understanding at all and trying to wrap his head around the situation.

Mark shrugs in response, hoping that they could just get past it but his members weren’t budging.

“But you lost weight. So you did go on a diet. But not by the company’s request.” Jaehyun, steady headed, summarizes from what he gathered so far.

Mark looks down at his shoes at that but nods in reply, unable to keep the lie any longer. Murmurs of confusion go around.

“Why?” Hearing the hurt and anger in the voice, Mark pops his head back up regretfully as he ends up looking into Johnny’s blazing eyes.

“We’re about to come back, as a full team. And you’re risking all of that, for what?”

“Hyung-”

“No! You’re not taking care of yourself! Do you understand how dangerous that is to go on a diet, especially not by company’s demand? Especially knowing your metabolism? What if you were to faint on stage? What if you pushed yourself to the point where your body couldn’t take it anymore? Were you thinking about what that would do to us at all?”

And that last question is what caused Mark to snap back, both in defense but also in guilt.

“Of course I was! I was thinking about it the whole time! That’s why I started doing it in the first place!”

“What are you talking about Mark?” Frustrated that they weren’t understanding and weren’t going to understand him, Mark turns away and shakes his head. A moment of silence is followed by that question before a sigh is heard.

“Okay, okay. Let’s…let’s take a breather. We’ll come back to this. We still need to rehearse. But Mark, you need to eat something.”

Mark can feel tears well in his eyes, both by the emotions of the confrontation but also with the frustration that all of his hard work would end up being for naught if they made him eat his weight back.

Mark shakes his head, unable to respond lest he lash out.

“Mark-” his name is said as a warning but once was enough to unleash Mark’s anger.

“No!” Mark shouts, unable to hold himself back and shocking the members around him. “I am not! I will not! And you can’t make me!”

Disbelief at what seems like a childish reaction, Johnny scoffs, about to respond when Mark continues.

“You can’t make me… you can’t make me do it. You can’t make me stand, on Jaeminnie’s back, and expect me to be okay with it. Not if you’re going to fatten me up more so that there’s more weight. It’ll crush him. I won’t allow it. You can’t make me hurt him like that. I won’t let you.” The tears of frustration finally drop and in the silence that appears after, Mark stands his ground, staring back defiantly at the shocked look on Johnny’s face.

Understanding dawns on each of their faces as they take in Mark’s words and worry, sadness, and empathy start to take place.

“Hyung…” Jaemin steps up, tears welling in his eyes. Mark lets up his eye contact with Johnny for a moment to look reassuringly at Jaemin.

“Don’t worry Jaemin-ah. I won’t let them let me hurt you.”

“Mark-ah,” Taeyong steps up carefully. “Have you always been feeling this way?”

Mark bites his lips as he avoids eye contact with everyone around him.

“Oh Mark.”

Not wanting their pity over his plan that was just about to work, Mark glares up, channeling his anger to cover up his fear, when he’s tackled into a hug.

“...”

Arms are tight around his stomach, a head shoved in between his neck, and tears are running hot down his shirt. He recognizes that scent.

“Jaemin-ah,” Mark murmurs, hands automatically coming up to rest upon the other’s back, running through comforting motions to quell the tears and sobs he feels and hears coming out of the younger.

“I-I’m sorry hyung,” Jaemin sniffles into his shoulder. Mark immediately shakes his head.

“Hey, no. Not your fault. Never your fault. Not your fault,” Mark repeats, face pressed against the side of his head.

A hand falls on Mark’s head after a couple of seconds pass by and Mark looks up with teary eyes to face his hyungs and dongsaengs in a similar distress. His eyes land upon Johnny, who looks to be in pain, to Taeyong, who’s anger have filled his eyes along with anguish.

“Hey, I should be sorry. I wasn’t doing my part as leader to recognize the pain you were putting yourself in, Mark. I’m sorry. I’m going to do better, for you and for Jaemin. I’m sorry I didn’t see this.”

Mark now recognizes the anger as self-inflicted in his hyung’s eyes. Wanting to dispel that thought as well, he’s interrupted by Jisung who comes crashing in on Mark’s other side for his version of a hug.

“Pabo hyung, stupid stupid hyung,” he says through tears.

“Hey!” Mark protests, feeling the atmosphere slowly lightning up.

“He’s not wrong,” Donghyuck comments, hand coming down on Mark’s shoulder as a heavy solid weight, his eyes a reminder that Mark will never be alone in this.

His hair is ruffled from the side and he turns to look into Johnny’s eyes that have turned into a soft protective gaze unlike the fiery emotional one he had on before.

“Don’t tease your hyung. That’s our job,” causing laughter to erupt out as Doyoung jabs him on his side for his comment, rolling his eyes as Johnny reacts dramatically. Things weren’t magically fixed but Mark’s heart felt lighter in knowing that whatever happens next, his hyungs and dongsaengs would be right with him.