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Chapter Text

Todd isn’t sure where the confidence has come from. Deep down he knows it’s from watching Neil shine onstage as Puck, pride coursing through his veins as he sat and watched, admiration thrumming and his heart pounding against his chest. The last feeling is one he knows he shouldn’t feel…boys were not supposed to feel that way about boys, but Todd had been feeling it for Neil for a small while. Since the day they jumped around on their beds, laughing their heads off as Todd scrambled to get his poetry back from the clutches of Neil’s hands. Neil had always believed in him, ever since that first day, eager to introduce him to his friends, eager to get him involved in their study group and then later on join the Dead Poets Society.

Now, Todd stands, the Five Centuries of Verse in his hands, binding breaking and stuck together with tape. He feels no nerves, he trusts the boys he’s with to not ridicule him, he felt safe with them. And he feels safe with Keating, almost feeling a fatherly aura from the man as he watches Todd with a small smile. Despite being surrounded by those he loves, the one person he wants here the most isn’t, and his heart tugs in slight anguish. Neil had been taken home after the play, his father’s face red with fury.

Neil’s eyes had been sad behind the window of the car as they’d pulled away, eyes pleading with Todd; full of worry— it had left a taste of dread drip onto Todd’s tongue, sour and un-wanting. It had been Charlie’s idea to head to the cave tonight, Cameron hadn’t shown.

“We’re dreaming of tomorrow, and tomorrow isn’t coming. We’re dreaming of the glory that we don’t really want. We’re dreaming of a new day when they new days there already.” The cave is silent as Todd reads, his friends captivated by his voice, the words echoing around the space in a way they hadn’t when he’d improvised his poem in class a few weeks ago. Keating is watching him with pride, and Todd wishes Neil were here to see this.” And we’re running from the battle, when it’s one that must be fought.”

“And still we sleep.” They all recite as Todd looks to him, his gaze falling on Chris, who is tucked into Knox’s side— Charlie glancing to them with slight jealousy flicking in his eye.

“We’re listening for the calling, but never really heeding. Hoping for the future when the future’s only plans. Dreaming of the wisdom that we are dodging daily, Praying for a savior when salvation’s in our hands.”

“And still we sleep.”

“And still we dream. And still we fear. And still we pray.” Todd pauses, looking to his friends, his thoughts only those of Neil, wondering if he’s okay.” And still we sleep.”

Applause and cheering bursts around the walls of the cave, ricocheting around as voices overlap—singing Todd’s praise. He beams as best as he can, and Keating hugs him with fatherly pride Todd has never known. Charlie pats him on the shoulder and the pair smile to one another as wide as they’ll allow.

They joke around for a little while before they head back to the school, full of joy and love and laughter as they sing together— Chris following with them, arm looped with Knox. Charlie walks beside Todd, masking the sour look on his face as they march across, singing loud and proud.

It feels strange entering his dormitory without Neil. It feels odd to change into his pyjamas without joking around quietly with his roommate, and it feels even weirder when he eventually clambers into bed with no Neil to talk to late into the night. It’s silent as Todd closes his eyes, the soothing snoring from the other side of the room not emerging, but he eventually allows for sleep to wash over him.

His sleep is dreamless, and as soon as he’s drifted off it feels like he’s awake immediately after. He’s woken by Charlie calling his name, and he opens his eyes slightly to see him sitting beside his bed, and before Todd can roll over to go back to sleep, a hand is placed on his shoulder that startles him awake. An awful feeling settles into his gut as he spots the tears falling down Charlie’s face, and sees the other poets standing at the end of the bed, pyjama clad and red in the face from crying.

The next words out of Charlie’s mouth makes Todd’s blood run cold.

“Neil’s dead.”

Todd can’t breathe, his heart is hammering so hard in his chest that he feels dizzy as he gets out of bed; his friends trying to grab him as he throws on some shoes and gets his coat. He manages out a strangled “I need some air” as he barges past them, the dormitory becoming too crowded all of a sudden.

Cold air smacks Todd right in the face as he makes his way across the yard. His socks are wet in his shoes from the snow he’s stomping through, and he can hear the other boys running after him, calling his name, and he comes to a stop at the place he and Neil would run lines together. He stares out over the lake, and it looks so pretty without other students running around it. It’s almost calming.

”I love this”

”What, me?” 

“It’s so beautiful.” He says, turning around to face his friends, snow cascading down onto them. That’s when the tears start to build, and as Todd tries to swallow them down, he’s hit with a wave a nausea that makes him lose his balance.

He falls into the snow, retching up his empty stomach, and he feels multiple hands grab at him as he’s sick on the ground. He’s yanked back, Charlie shoving snow into his mouth as the tears finally start to fall. He’s hysterically sobbing as he tries to shake away from Charlie’s grasp, and he’s not making sense as he talks, unable to word his thoughts.

“It was his father! His father did it!”

“No!” Pitts says, horrified by the accusation as Todd cries out,” he wouldn’t leave us! His father killed him! People have to know that!”

“You seriously don’t think his father…” Knox begins but he’s cut off by Todd frantically sobbing out,” not with the gun! Damn it, even if the bastard didn’t pull the trigger he…even if Mr Perry didn’t shoot him he killed him. They have to know that!”

And Todd finally breaks free of their grasps, running down toward the lake, stumbling as he does so, ignoring his friend’s cries for him. Charlie tells them to leave him be as Todd runs, wind swiping like a knife at his cheeks as he sobs; grief building within him with every tumble.

Mr Keating had once told him that every barbarian lets out a big yawp, and that morning, by the lake, Todd’s yawp erupts from him.

“Neil!” He screams until his throat goes hoarse and he can no longer stand, sagging down into the snow at the edge of the lake, weeping loudly, not caring if his tears freeze on his face.

___

There is no funeral, just a memorial service for the students of Welton. The poets all stand together as they sing, and Todd glances to Charlie, who is stood quietly staring into space. Mr Nolan gives a speech, to which he announces there shall be an enquiry into Neil’s death, and then they are dismissed to a day of no lessons. Many of the poet pledges head to do a study group in Neil’s honour, but Todd, however, makes his way to the cave. He places his coat down and lies on it, staring at the cave ceiling, not bothering to make a small fire for light. It’s not completely dark, the light from outside is casting shadows around him, and he jumps when someone else enters.

“I…I didn’t think anyone else would be here.” Charlie admits in a mumble, and Todd sits up, patting the space beside him. Charlie sits down, and Todd watches as he pulls some cigarettes out of his coat pocket. He offers one to the other boy, who takes it, and Charlie strikes a match to light them.

They sit and smoke in a content silence, both so overcome with grief that they’re exhausted. Todd hasn’t slept properly since Neil passed, and he can tell Charlie has somewhat been the same. They smoke in unbroken unison, and Charlie is the first to break the silence.

“I hearby call this meeting of the dead poets society to order.” He begins and tears start to line Todd’s eyes as he stares at the blank wall in front of him.” I went to the woods because I wanted to live deliberately-

“Don’t.” Todd sighs, sniffing back his emotion.” Please.”

Silence settles yet again, and Todd feels Charlie’s eyes on him, like he’s trying to assess his thoughts just by staring at him. Todd wills for his thoughts to shut off, but the obvious heartbreak is evident in his expression— and his lack of sleep and eating sustainable meals.

“You know you can tell me anything, right?” It’s slightly off putting hearing and seeing Charlie Dalton being serious, but Todd lets out an exhale as he opens his hand for another cigarette.” Todd-

“Give me another and I’ll tell you.” He bargains, and Charlie gives him another cigarette, helping him to light it as his hands tremble in grief.

Todd takes a few drags of the cigarette before he says what he doesn’t want to admit. Admitting it out loud makes it real, and now that Neil was gone, Todd wanted nothing more than to pretend his feelings were fleeting, that they hadn’t happened. Charlie just sits and waits until he’s ready, looking a little expectant as Todd stubbs out his cigarette.

“I…I was…” Todd begins, the all too familiar anxiety gripping at his throat. A tear falls as he tries to rid of the anxiety and swallow the lump of terror down, and Charlie is so patient that it makes Todd want to cry harder.” I…was in love with him…with Neil, I suppose.”

“I’ll keep your secret.” Charlie says softly, putting an arm around Todd as he finally breaks, letting out heaving sobs. Charlie rubs his back, and he trembles in the taller boys arms, face pressed into his neck.” I’m so sorry, Todd.”

They remain in the cave for hours, not talking a lot of the time but enjoying one another’s company. When they begin to pack up to leave, Charlie admits that he’s got feelings for Knox, and that he couldn’t even begin to imagine what it would be like to lose him. Todd just hugs his friend, promising to keep his secret too, and then he pulls his coat back on— the pair making their way back to the school as the sun begins to set.

Dinner passes in a blur of conversation from the group, and Todd playing with his food instead of eating it. He picks apart the chicken, and pokes at the peas, but ultimately his meal is left uneaten. He blames it on a big lunch when Meeks enquires on his behaviour; but they all know he’s lying as he’d only managed to stomach half a sandwich at lunch just before the memorial. Todd just walks off to his dormitory, ignoring the call for a poet meeting. Charlie tells them not tonight, and Todd closes his bedroom door— hating to see that Neil’s bedsheets have been stripped. He leans against the wall by the windowsill, and watches the snow fall thick and fast outside. Part of him can’t wait for winter break, the other half doesn’t know how he’s going to cope when he returns to school.

He doesn’t bother to change into his pyjamas, instead he just falls ontop of his bed, still in his uniform. No matter how hard he tries, sleep will not arrive, and he’s so frustrated that he spends the night crying. He cries for Neil, and he cries for his irritation at not being able to sleep despite having no energy. His stomach aches from hunger despite feeling sick whenever he goes to eat, and he curls into a ball and clutches at his stomach as more tears cascade down his face. Todd closes his eyes and tries to think of Neil. He tries to conjure the memories of him and Neil throwing his desk set off the bridge, or of him and Neil laughing as they bounce around the room, Neil comparing him to Walt Whitman. But his thoughts twist and turn sour. His memories are replaced with images of Neil heading to his father’s car, never to return to Welton ever again.

____

“You told him about this meeting?” Charlie asks Meeks, the five of them hauled up in the attic, smoking in what had been relative silence.

“Twice.” Meeks responds and a flash of irritation falls over Charlie’s face. Cameron hadn’t shown.

“That’s it, guys. We’re all fried.” Charlie’s voice is calm as he speaks, as if he’s accepted his fate already.

“How do you mean?” Pitts asks as all eyes turn to Charlie. Todd knows exactly what he means. Cameron has ratted them out.

“Cameron’s a fink. He’s in Nolan’s office right now, finking.” Explains Charlie, his temper becoming more short by the second.

“About what?” Pitts asks and Charlie immediately responds with,” the club, Pittsie. Think about it. The board of directors, the trustees and Mr Nolan. Do you think for one moment they’re gonna let this thing just blow over? Schools go down because of things like this. They need a scapegoat.”

It’s not the schools fault, Todd thinks. He thinks Mr Perry should take the blame entirely. Todd loathed the man for this. Silence falls on the group again, leaving Charlie to fester in his anger, and Todd to be left with his distasteful thoughts before the door opens. In a panic, they all get rid of their cigarettes and try to bat away the smoke, only to be met with Cameron.

“What’s going on, guys?” He asks, rather stupidly in Todd’s opinion. Charlie’s anger is slowing reaching boiling point as he stands and accuses,” you finked, didn’t you, Cameron?”

“Finked? I don’t know what the hell you’re talking about.” Cameron responds and he is possibly the world’s worst liar. It’s dripping off his tongue.

“You told Nolan everything about the club is what I’m talking about!” Charlie snaps out, slowing walking over to the red head.

“Look, in case you hadn’t heard, Dalton, there’s something called an honour code at the school, alright?” Cameron responds, going from 0-10 real quick, which seems to piss Charlie off even more.” If a teacher asks you a question, you tell the truth or you’re expelled.”

“You little punk!” Charlie goes to lunge for him, but he’s pulled back by Knox and Meeks, Todd and Pitts standing to assist.” He’s a rat! He’s in it up to his eyes so he ratted to save himself.”

“Don’t touch him, Charlie. You do and you’re out.” Knox reminds him, only to be met with Charlie responding with,” I’m out anyway.”

“You don’t know that, not yet.” Knox tries to bargain desperately.

“He’s right there, Charlie.” Cameron says and Todd wishes for him to stop talking before Charlie smacks him. He doesn’t know how he’ll cope if Charlie is expelled.” And if you guys are smart, you will do exactly what I did and cooperate.”

Knox and Meeks let go of Charlie, who straightens out his blazer. They all look to Cameron, Charlie sizzling in quiet fury as he tries to gather himself, as the red head continues with,” they’re not after us. We’re the victims. Us and Neil.”

“What’s that mean? Who are they after?” Charlie asks, eerily calm. Todd frowns at the use of Neil’s situation being batted around for whatever the hell is going on.

“Why, Mr Keating, of course. The ‘captain’ himself.” Cameron replies as if it’s obvious and Todd’s stomach drops. This could get Keating in serious trouble and Todd doesn’t want him to go either.” I mean, you guys didn’t really think he could avoid responsibility, did you?”

“Mr Keating responsible for Neil?” Charlie asks, the anger flooding back into his voice. Todd can feel himself starting to get worked up now, as well. The accusation was ridiculous.” Is that what they’re saying?”

“Well, who else do you think, dumbass?” Cameron shouts, and Todd can practically feel the heat of anger radiating off of Charlie by this point.” The administration? Mr Perry? Mr Keating put us up to all this crap, didn’t he? If it wasn’t for Mr Keating, Neil would be cosied up in his room right now studying his chemistry and dreaming of being-

Anger grips Todd like a vice. He’s too tired to put up with this, too exhausted to listen to Cameron ramble on and on about things he clearly knew nothing about. He steps forward, the words falling from him with exasperation as he yells out,” that is not true, Cameron! You know that.”

The others look at Todd with slight surprise. Todd was never confrontational. Todd was quiet, Todd was shy, but right now, he’s angry and rightfully so. His voice is hoarse, he hasn’t really stopped crying, and his words come out all scratched.

“He didn’t put us up to anything. Neil loved acting!”

“Believe what you want, but I say let Keating fry.” Cameron says as if everyone else will agree with him. Todd feels tears grip at his throat, but he doesn’t dare let them reach his eyes. The others are silent as Cameron continues with,” I mean, why ruin our lives?”

It’s one swing from Charlie that does it. His knuckles collide with Cameron’s nose, knocking him off his feet. Charlie goes to jump on him to continue hitting him, but Knox and Meeks manage to pull him away, saying things like “Charlie!” “You dummy!” Todd manages to grab ahold of Charlie too, as Knox’s grip slips and he bats Meeks away.

“You just signed your expulsion papers, Nuwanda.” Cameron says, wiping the blood from his nose. Todd lets Charlie go, and he heads back to where he’d been sitting moments ago. Cameron stands.” And if the rest of you are smart, you’ll do exactly what i did! They know everything anyway. You can’t save Keating but you can save yourselves.”

And with that, he leaves. Charlie sits down, grabbing another cigarette and lighting it up, his knuckles red, bruised and bloody. Todd sits beside him, assessing his hand, and Charlie just silently smokes as the others try to wrap their heads around what just happened.

_____

Each poet is picked off one by one. It starts with Cameron’s confession and spirals from there. Pitts is next, followed by Charlie, followed by Meeks who sadly informs Todd that Charlie has been expelled from the school. Todd’s heart sinks at that. No Neil, and now no Charlie, he almost doesn’t want to come back next year. Knox is called forward next.

Last to be spoken to is Todd. He enters Nolan’s office to find both of his parents there, and his heart lifts slightly when he sees his mom. He’d always been a mommy’s boy, despite most of their attention always being on his older brother Jeffrey. Even so, he could do with a hug from her right about now, her hands stroking his hair as he weakly sobs into her shoulder. But, he has no such joy as they tell him to sit down, which he does. He finds himself picking at a hangnail on his thumb for the whole meeting.

“Mr Anderson, I think we’ve pretty well put together what’s happened here. You do admit to being a part of this Dead Poets Society?” Nolan asks and anxiety drowns Todd’s answer in his throat. He was rarely confrontational, and he hated getting into trouble. He picks at the hangnail on his thumb.

“Answer him, Todd.” Father pushes, and Todd swallows his anxieties down as best as he can.

“Yes, sir.” His response is quiet, emotion fighting its way to the surface as his eyes mist. Nolan puts on his reading glasses and that’s when Todd notices a document infront of the man.

“I have here a detailed description of what occurred at your meetings.” Nolan begins. The hangnail becomes looser.” It describes how your teacher, Mr Keating, encouraged you boys to organise this club and to use it as a source of inspiration for reckless and self indulgent behaviour. It describes how Mr Keating, both in and out of the classroom, encouraged Neil Perry to follow his obsession with acting when he knew all along it was against the explicit orders of Neil’s parents. It was Mr Keating’s blatant abuse of his position as teacher that led directly to Neil Perry’s death.”

That’s not the truth at all, but Todd dare not speak it. Neil had found the annual, Neil had asked Keating about the club, Neil had been the one to start it back up. Neil was their leader, he shone brighter than any of them, the way he spoke so enthusiastically had the other boys latching to his every word. Neil had been the one courageous enough to suggest starting up the Dead Poets Society once more, and the boys had followed their leader. He could make anyone fall in love with him, Todd thought. That was just Neil’s way.

As for the acting, Keating had encouraged them all to follow their passions, not just Neil. Todd’s sure Neil kept things from them all, he was only human after all. Keating wasn’t to blame for any of this, if there was anyone to blame, Todd places it at the firm hands of Tom Perry. Grief and guilt and anger are bubbling inside Todd, he wants it to stop.

He goes to protest Nolan’s words, but he can’t seem to conjure any of his own, and seeing his mother sitting tearfully with a handkerchief renders Todd silent. The guilt and the anger and the grief still brew.

The document is passed to his father, who passes it to his mother, who passes it to him and Todd receives it with trembling hands. He’s instructed by Nolan to read it carefully. Almost everyone has signed. All bar Charlie whose name isn’t even on it.

“If you’ve nothing to add or amend, sign it.” Nolan passes him a pen as he speaks, but Todd doesn’t take it.

“What’s gonna happen to Mr Keating?” He asks, managing to keep his emotions at bay, his voice quiet but steady. He’d lost Neil, Charlie was gone, Keating couldn’t leave too.

“I’ve had enough.” His father sighs and Todd glances to him. He looks irritated, as he often did at his youngest.” Sign the paper, Todd!”

It’s signed, rather hesitantly, and the meeting is complete. The three Anderson’s leave the Dean’s office, and Todd’s father doesn’t even look at him, opting to leave the school as soon as he can. Todd looks to his mother, his eyes misting over again, and she cups his cheeks in her hands.

“I am very sorry about your friend, Todd.” She says, and then she follows after his father, barely any comfort being shown to her youngest. He can hear his father faintly muttering about how Jeffrey never would’ve embarrassed them like that, and Todd sulks off up to his empty dormitory.

Loneliness creeps into the room as Todd closes the door, sinking to the ground and leaning against the wall. Silent tears trickle down his face, and if he’s being completely honest, he’s sick of crying. He tries to wipe at them, but they won’t stop, so he just accepts his fate and lets out a few sobs; ignoring the knocks at his door.

“Todd, let me in, please.” It’s Knox, and his voice is strangled with emotion. Todd murmurs that the door is open, and Knox enters the room to find him sitting against the wall.

He sinks down and joins him, wrapping a welcome arm around him, and the pair sit in their grief together. It sure was going to be quiet without Neil or Charlie around, but Todd knew he could trust Knox the way he had with Charlie, and so he admits the thoughts he’d been trying so hard to forget, and Knox holds him closer as he weeps loudly.

Nolan takes their English class the next day, and Todd makes a point of not looking at the two empty desks in the classroom. He’s sick of crying so he won’t even let himself think of anything. That is, until his name is called upon, as if God himself wants to punish him. Todd thinks he’s been punished enough due the fact God decided to make him a homosexual and then kill the first love he’d ever had.

Todd looks to the Dean in surprise, trying to think of the question he’s just asked. He asked something about the Pritchard. Anxiety threatens to creep upon Todd as he squeaks out,” in the—in the pro—

“I can’t hear you, Mr Anderson!” Exclaims Nolan, as if he’s trying to embarrass Todd on purpose. The seventeen year old suppresses a glare as he flicks through his book and asks,” in the—in the Pritchard?”

“Kindly inform me, Mr Cameron.” Todd is somewhat grateful to have the attention deferred onto Cameron. He doesn’t turn to look at him. Neil’s desk behind him is bare and for his own sanity, Todd stares directly down at his own desk.

“We skipped around a lot, sir. We covered the romantics, and some of the chapters on post civil war literature.” Cameron responds.

“What about the realists?”

“I believe we skipped most of that, sir.”

“Alright then, we’ll start over.” Nolan suggests and Todd resumes his activity of picking at the hangnail on his thumb that was too stubborn to come off.” What is poetry?”

The boys remain silent, and then there’s a knock at the door. Nolan tells them to enter, and all eyes turn to the door when Keating walks in. With slight disappointment, they all turn back to their books. Todd successfully break off the hangnail and a spot of blood takes its place.

“I came for my personals.” Keating explains.” Should I come back after class?”

“Get them now, Mr Keating.” Nolan instructs, and Keating does as he’s told. He glances to Todd as he walks past his desk, and Todd doesn’t look up from watching the small dot of blood on his thumb.” Gentlemen, turn to page 21 of the introduction.  Mr Cameron, read aloud the excellent essay by Dr Pritchard on ‘understanding poetry’.”

The office door squeaks as Keating opens it, and the silence of the boys is replaced by Cameron answering,” that page has been ripped out, sir.”

“We’ll borrow somebody else’s book.”

“They’re all ripped out, sir.”

“What do you mean they’re all ripped out?” Nolan asks with an incredulous laugh, and Cameron goes to answer but Nolan just says,” never mind” as he walks to Cameron’s desk and places his own book infront of him.” Read!”

Todd glances to the office doorway that is slightly ajar, and his heart aches at the thought of not having Keating as his teacher anymore. He’d never had the best relationship with his own father, and he’d started to seek that relationship out with Keating instead. The man places on his coat and scarf, and Todd feels his eyes becoming misty once more.

“Understanding poetry by Dr J. Evans Pritchard, Ph.D. to fully understand poetry, we must first be fluent with its metre, rhyme and figures of speech, then ask two questions.” Cameron reads as Keating begins to leave the office.” One: how artfully has the objective of the poem been rendered? And two:…how important is that objective? Question one rates the poems perfection. Question two rates its importance.”

Keating glances to Todd once more as he passes his desk, and Todd wants to reach out or talk to him, but his anxiety doesn’t let him as Keating walks past. Tears line Todd’s eyes from frustration and sadness as Cameron continues to read,” and once these questions have been answered, determining the poems greatness becomes a relatively simple matter. If the poems score for perfection is plotted on the horizontal of a graph—

“Mr Keating, they made everybody sign it!” Todd bursts out, practically jumping out of his seat and turning to where Keating is about to reach the classroom door.

“Quiet, Mr Anderson!” Scolds Nolan as Todd tearfully continues with,” you gotta believe me, it’s true.”

“I do believe you, Todd.” Keating responds, taking a step forward as if he’s going to go to Todd to comfort him as he’s evidently distraught.

“Leave, Mr Keating!”

“But it wasn’t his fault!” Todd yells, turning to the Dean who yells back,” sit down, Mr Anderson, one more outburst from you or anyone else and you’re out of this school!”

Todd slumps back into his chair, silent tears falling down his face. Nolan instructs for Keating to leave once more, and Todd can’t bear to hear his footsteps making to exit. The tears stop, and by some Neil Perry levels of confidence, Todd finds himself standing upon his desk.

“O’Captain, my captain!”

He is, of course, instructed to sit down by Nolan but he just ignores him. Keating stands in the doorway, shocked that it’s Todd having this sudden burst of confidence, but pride shines in his eyes as slowly but surely Pitts, Meeks and Knox also stand upon their desks. They’re followed by a handful of other students, except for Cameron, who stays hunched over his desk— staring at his work.

“Thank you, boys.” Keating says, and then he makes his exit.

Logically, Nolan can’t kick them all out of the school for partaking, but Todd does get a month’s suspension. He doesn’t return to Welton by his own choice, and ends up back at Balincrest. To his surprise, that’s where Charlie’s been transferred to, and the rest of the year suddenly isn’t looking so bad.

_____

It’s a surprise knock on the door of his small apartment that wakes up John Keating. He’s only been gone from Welton for a day, and he was due to fly back to London next week— so he finds himself in his little apartment that he’d rented to live in during school vacations. The knocking becomes slightly louder, and John gets out of bed quietly, opening it up to reveal a dishevelled looking Neil Perry on the other side wearing nothing but his pyjamas.

“Neil?” He almost can’t believe it’s him. No, he really can’t believe it’s him. The last he knew, Neil had died…yet, here he stands, as alive as himself— shivering against the cold. His cheeks are humanely red, his hair is a mess, and his lips look to be turning blue. John reaches out for him, and Neil all but falls into his arms.” You’re alive!”

“A—am I not su—supposed to be?” Neil trembles in question. John closes the door with one arm and leads his former student to the living room— sitting him down on the couch as he rushes to find him a blanket. On the way, he turns the kettle on, knowing the boy could do with a hot drink.

“Your father told us you’d…killed yourself.” Keating responds, wrapping Neil up in not one but two blankets, to which he looks thankful to have albeit confused by this information.” I thought it was strange that there was no funeral.”

“He k—kicked me o-out.” Neil responds, watching as John makes them both some herbal tea. He gratefully accepts the mug once it’s in his hands.” I was too de-defiant. Said I was de-de-dead to him, that I’m not th-the son he raised.”

“Because you want to act?”

“Amongst other things.”

John could guess what ‘other things’ could entail. He’d seen the way Neil had looked at Todd, seen how close the pair had been. But he doesn’t push for answers on that, instead he asks Neil where he’s been for the past almost week and a half.

“Around town.” Neil responds before he sips on his tea.” Doing odd jobs for boarding. It was at the grocery store I heard you had been fired, I managed to find your address and thought I’d come check on you. I did not know i was supposed to be dead.”

“Well, I’m glad you aren’t.” Keating says, and Neil smiles a little.” Hey, I’m due back in London next week, how about you come with me?”

“You want me to come with you?” Neil asks and Keating smiles as he explains,” you can stay with me, attend some of my lectures, it could almost be like home schooling. Your future would be yours to make, Neil, I’ll just be there to assist.”

And that’s how John Keating ends up with a sixteen year old Neil Perry in London. He’s there with him when Neil turns seventeen, and he’s there when he turns eighteen. When he turns nineteen, Keating legally adopts him, and Neil drops Perry entirely; deciding to go by Neil Keating instead. He never quite refers to his former teacher as his father, but John knows that that’s how Neil sees him. Their life together is perfect, and then one day, Neil suggests moving to New York. Keating is able to get a teaching job out there, and Neil gets a job as a waiter as he tries to find some acting jobs. Those days of teacher and student seem a distant memory, it had been four years, after all.

Chapter Text

Todd Alexander Anderson

Late November, 1963, New York

A short list of things Todd Anderson knows:

1.) Charlie Dalton is the worst person to live with

2.) trying to work in an office as a journalist sucked

3.) no that waiter that passed us last night did not look like Neil, Meeks, you need your glasses adjusted

Their apartment is incredibly rundown. They’re situated in TriBeca, on the corner of Lispenard and Church. They could probably afford somewhere better, Charlie’s father still gave him an allowance, but both of them had allowed themselves a budget. The budget allowed them to live in their very small two bedroom apartment above a laundrette. They were graduates, after all, and Todd had just lost his job.

He’d been working in a little privately owned newspaper company. It was to build up to becoming a journalist. He had been a receptionist. He’d lasted two months when the slip of lavender paper had been left on his desk, and to this day he believes it was the current junior journalist that had accused Todd of being a homosexual. Of course, he was right, Todd just didn’t know how he’d figured it out. It wasn’t like he’d flirted with anyone, let alone slept with anyone. Todd had slept with only one person, and that had been Charlie once when they were both too drunk to fully comprehend what was going on when they were eighteen and just out of high school.

Upon seeing the lavender paper, Charlie had bargained that it could be worse, Todd could’ve been arrested, and Todd had just rolled his eyes and thrown the paper into a draw in his desk.  For the past month, Charlie had been the sole income of their household. He was working in a bank, becoming what his father wanted him to be all this time, but he was still the same Charlie the poets knew and loved. He was as hyperactive as ever, and could cheer them all up no matter what. He’d been especially helpful to Knox with his divorce from Chris, the pair often sneaking off together to do God knows what. They had always been close, Todd supposed.

Within that month, Todd had joined a writers society, and had been working hard on an adaptation of Oscar Wildes The Picture of Dorian Gray. He’d submitted it to a local amateur theatre group and was currently awaiting news on if they’d put the show on. He hoped they would. Not only had he worked hard, but he was sick of Charlie being the sole income of their shitty apartment. He felt guilty. They could afford better, and he knows Charlie wants better deep down. Only, Todd had grown quite fond of their awful apartment above the laundrette.

The key jams in the keyhole as Todd tries to enter, still reeling from being turned down from yet another job interview. Turns out, being handed a lavender paper really did halt job opportunities. He shoulders the door, and it eventually opens, and he sighs as he puts down his briefcase and documents on their small side table in their tiny entrance hall. His takes off his shoes and shrugs off his jacket, walking into the small living area where he finds Charlie sprawled on the couch— still in his work clothes.

“How’d it go?” He mumbles, not opening his eyes, and feeling the couch dip as Todd perches himself on the end of it— squeezing himself into the small space Charlie had left.

“Shit.” He admits, rubbing a hand over his face as if to hide his grimace. Charlie opens one eye and gives him his best sympathetic look.” Who knew that stupid piece of paper could destroy so much? And how come I’ve had one when I’ve not slept with a man since I was a teenager and yet you haven’t when you’ve slept with more men than any woman I know.”

“You know like two women, one of which is getting divorced from our friend.” Charlie states and Todd scoffs.” And maybe I haven’t been suspected coz I very openly have sex with a lot of women, too. I like both, you only like men. Maybe that’s why?”

“I don’t think they take that into consideration.” Todd states and Charlie rolls his eyes as he sits up and changes the subject,” Meeks is still convinced the waiter we so briefly saw last night was Neil.”

They’d had their weekly poets meet up, going out for dinner at a semi fancy restaurant in Soho. Meeks had been mid-tangent about something work related when he’d paled—looking like he’d just seen a ghost. He’d mentioned a waiter, but when the others had tried to look, the waiter in question was gone. Meeks had insisted that it was Neil, they all thought he was insane. Neil had been dead for almost four years. They all knew Neil was still a sensitive topic for Todd, and so they hadn’t blamed him when he’d left early— hit with sudden grief that seemed to never leave.

“It couldn’t have been, we all know that.” Todd says, his eyes drifting to the photo of Neil they’d placed above the mantelpiece. After four years, and a lavender paper, it was evident to the other poets that Todd was a homosexual. They didn’t care, and that’s all that mattered to Todd. It was also easy to put two and two together in regards for his feelings for Neil, so they always tried to be sensitive with that topic around him.

Todd glances around the mess of what they called the living space. It was a small living room with an even smaller kitchen that they just about managed to fit a couch into. There’s dishes all over the place, along with dirty washing, and a pillow and blanket are strewn across the floor. Charlie Dalton was probably the worst housemate to have, but Todd didn’t mind it all too much. They understood one another.

“I thought I asked for you to tidy when you got home?” Todd was aware Charlie only had a half day today, and so, had asked him to clean a little as he was getting a bit tired of the filth.” And I asked for the pillow and blanket to be put in the airing cupboard.”

“They’re for Knox.” Charlie responds, and Todd suppresses an eye roll. Knox had been staying with them since he and Chris decided to officially get a divorce, instead of just separating. They’d been separated for not even three months, and it had been Charlie who had suggested to stay with them whilst they went through the legal proceedings. Todd adored Knox, of course he did, but their apartment could barely fit two people, let alone three.

Charlie seems to sense Todd’s shift in mood as he asks,” what’s the matter?” to which Todd responds with,” we don’t have space for three.”

“We could always get a three bedroom apartment? Knox is gonna need more space if he wants any ounce of custody for Noah.” Charlie responds and Todd raises a knowing brow. So, Charlie was still in love with Knox.

“I like our apartment now.”

“We have rats living in the walls, Anderson!” Charlie protests, and Todd goes to argue back when the door swings open to reveal a slightly dishevelled Knox, brief case in one hand, two pizza boxes balancing in the other.  He grins to his friends as he strides in, placing down his keys and briefcase, taking off his coat but not removing his shoes. Todd ignores the way his eye twitches as Knox sits down inbetween him and Charlie; who immediately sat up the moment he saw the pizza. Taking your shoes off upon entry was Todd’s number one rule.

“Shoes.” He hears Charlie whisper to Knox as the man is placing the pizza on top of their small, but incredibly messy, coffee table. He shoots Todd an apologetic look and then takes off his shoes, discarding them next to the couch. Todd’s eye twitches again.

They needed a bigger apartment.

_____

Another day, another failed job interview, and now they also had apartment hunting in the evening. Todd sighs as he enters the apartment, greeted this time to no roommates at all. Peace, a small victory. He decides he should clean. As he places down his briefcase and keys, he notices that somebody— he assumes Knox; who is currently having father son time— has picked up the mail for them. Todd flicks through the endless bills until he lands upon one that has his name handwritten on the front, the theatre company’s logo printed on the bottom left corner.

He takes off his shoes and hangs up his coat before he sits down on the couch, deciding that cleaning can wait. The familiar anxiety rises in Todd’s throat, and his hands tremble slightly as he turns the envelope over. Hesitantly, he opens it, and he smiles as he reads that they want to put on his version of The Picture of Dorian Gray, and that they’d like him to be involved in the creative process, including casting. They give him an address, and a number to ring, and Todd is so happy he could dance. So he does, a little, seeing as he’s alone. His eyes fall upon the photo of Neil on the mantelpiece, and he stands in front of it, Neil’s smile as infectious as ever.

“This one’s for you, I’ll make you proud.” Todd whispers to the air, and Neil just remains smiling in the photo the way he always does when Todd decides to talk to him. Sometimes, the one way conversation hurts, but it doesn’t today and Todd smiles a little as he tries to imagine Neil’s reaction if he were here. He’d be proud, Todd hopes. Neil had always seemed proud of his little victories.

Charlie, as he’s the first one home, is the first to hear the news. He also points out that the apartment is still a mess, as Todd had been too excited to bother cleaning. Todd just rolls his eyes with a smile, and Charlie says he’ll call the other poets. Tonight they were celebrating. Todd begs to not return to the Neil restaurant, and Meeks is in agreement over the phone. So, they end up in a pub. Charlie offers cigarettes around the group, and only Knox and Todd take them.

“He’d be proud of you, you know?” Pitts begins, and Todd glances to him as he lights his cigarette.” Neil…he’d be so proud.”

“I know.” Todd responds before he takes a drag.

“Neil was always proud of you.” Charlie states, all eyes turning to him. He’d sort of become their beacon of light to follow in the absence of Neil.” Even for the stupid small things, he couldn’t wipe the proud grin from his face.”

The praise is slightly overwhelming for Todd, and the more Neil is mentioned, the more he feels that familiar ache in his chest. He just smiles to his friends as he smokes his cigarette in silence. Charlie can sense Todd’s slight discomfort at so much praise and attention, and so, decides to change the subject. That’s how, for most of the dinner, they end up talking about apartment hunting— even if they’d ditched that plan tonight the moment Charlie suggested a Dead Poets celebration.

Neil Thomas Keating

Late November, 1963, New York

Neil hates being a waiter. Neil hates being a waiter so much he could scream. He’s eleven hours into a twelve hour shift, he’s been up audition hunting since five am, and all he wants to do is go home and sleep. He’s on his fifth table of ten of the day, and if one more child drops their food onto his shoes, he’ll scream and quit on the spot.

“Keating, new table just walked in!” His manager yells, and it takes everything in him to not roll his eyes. They close in an hour and a half. Who walks into a restaurant when they close in an hour and a half?

Neil puts on his best fake smile and says,” yes sir!” before he’s seated the small family of four in a booth by the front window. As he does so, he spots a loud group of five men walking past that somewhat remind him of his school friends. The one at the back smiles as his friends skip ahead, loudly singing, and he reminds Neil of Todd. His heart aches slightly.

Of course, he’s aware he should’ve tried to find a way to contact his old friends the moment he landed back on American soil. But it’s been four years, and to them, he’d been dead for four years. He loves each and every one of them too much to scare them like that, and despite John’s urging for him to find them, he’d decided it would be best to let sleeping dogs lie. That doesn’t mean he doesn’t think about them all constantly. Todd takes up space in most of his dreams, he’s the hardest to escape. Neil supposes first loves were supposed to haunt you in that way.

The end of his shift arrives slowly, and Neil is glad to throw off his apron into his locker and change back into his doc’s before he grabs his bag and practically runs out of the building; saying goodnight to his colleagues who have to stay and clean up after close. He heads down towards the metro, and part of him wishes he’d made himself a coffee before he left as he’s struggling to keep his eyes open. He arrives at Grand Central, and then hops on his final train back to Larchmont. His car is waiting for him in the station parking lot when he arrives and he’s never been so glad to see it in his life. Logically, he knows working in Larchmont would be so much easier, or living in central would help too; but he likes the little house they’d been living in for three months, and John’s teaching job was situated here, not in the city.

“I’m home!” Neil calls out, excitedly greeted by their Golden Retriever Walt. He kneels down to greet him back, and then he takes his shoes and coat off as he heads into the kitchen. John’s left him some leftovers from dinner, and Neil’s so happy he could cry.

He manages to reheat the pasta bolognese, and he sits quietly at the breakfast bar as he eats. Walt decides to pace around the room before he settles at Neil’s feet, and Neil smiles at him before he scratches behind his ear.

“How did audition hunting go?” Comes a voice from the doorway that makes Neil jump. He looks to find his adoptive father standing in the doorway, pyjama clad but wide awake, his sleeping habits worse than Neil’s.

“Shit, I’ll try again tomorrow.” Neil responds, and John grins before he enters the kitchen fully, sitting down beside his son— who smiles to him tiredly.

“And how was work?”

“Also shit, feels like a waste of time some days but the income is fine I guess.” Neil shrugs, and John smiles again.” I had three different children drop their food on my shoes and don’t even get me started on my manager.”

“You can always look for another job if you’re unhappy, Neil.” John tells him and Neil sighs out a,” I know. That’s why I’m hoping an audition will come up somehow. Even if it’s not for some big Broadway show. Anything’s fine at this point.”

“You’ll get there.” John says, standing up and placing a soft kiss to Neil’s temple.” Get some sleep, alright?”

“I could say the same for you, captain.” Neil replies, making his adoptive father grin.” Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Neil. I love you, everything will work out.”

“Yeah, I love you, too.” John takes off upstairs, and Neil admires his optimism, even if he himself does not feel optimistic in the slightest.

Another haunting is in store tonight as Neil allows himself to fall into sleep an hour later— Walt curled up by his side. Todd, yet again, manifests in his dreams. It’s never current day Todd, always Todd as Neil had remembered him. Seventeen, innocent, shy. He never speaks, he just remains by Neil’s side, sad and alone. The dream is the same everytime. All they do is lie in silence, until eventually Neil is forced to listen to Todd’s cries. He’s never allowed to comfort him, he’s never allowed to pull him close and hug him. He always wakes with guilt in his veins.

“Morning, sunshine!” John greets as Neil walks sluggishly into the kitchen the next morning, yawning and rubbing tiredly at his eyes. He’s already dressed in a turtleneck sweater and some pants, the sweater tucked in and the pants secured by a belt. He has his glasses on (his eyesight had decreased beyond just needing them for reading nowadays) and he’s tried to make his hair neat; but it’s still sticking up slightly from sleep. John’s dressed as well, in his usual teacher attire of a shirt, pants and tie. His blazer is hanging on the back of a chair.

“Morning.” Neil yawns once again, grabbing the mug of coffee that’s been placed down at his usual spot at the table and drinking it.

“I have a good feeling about today.” His adoptive father’s voice is full of that usual optimism, and Neil just nods in response.” Keep your chin up, my boy! You know I believe in you.”

Neil’s needed constant reassurance since everything that went down with his biological parents, and Keating was always happy to give him the encouragement he required. Neil’s going to be forever thankful for him. His former teacher really had saved his life.

Just as he’s about to head off to put his shoes on, he’s called back into the kitchen. His adoptive father pushes a bagel into his hands, kisses his temple, and wishes him a good day. Neil wishes him a good day, as well. Once his shoes, coat, scarf and beret are on, Neil rushes out of the house and gets into his car-  heading toward the train station. The commute is somewhat busy, the usual business men making their way to Wall Street (Neil guesses) and Neil almost feels like a fraud when he steps off the train at Grand Central. Sure, he had a job to make his own income, but it wasn’t like Keating didn’t also give him an allowance…and pay for his car.

Neil hops on the metro and ends up at his usual area- small theatre companies on the edge of Soho. Other budding actors are searching alongside him, and Neil almost has to shoulder barge past to get a look at the newest leaflet posted on a bulletin outside The Hamilton Arts centre. That’s when he sees it. Open auditions for a new production of The Picture of Dorian Gray written by T…the writers name has been ripped off of it. The auditions were in a week’s time, Neil had time to prepare. He rushes inside the centre and puts his name on the list, alongside a copy of his portfolio he kept in his satchel. The receptionist gives him an audition pack, and Neil thanks her as he excitedly rushes out of the centre; eager to get learning his short audition script.

Todd Alexander Anderson

Early December, 1963, New York

Auditions are draining the life out of Todd. He is glad he’s allowed in on all of the creative decisions of his own play, but they’ve been in this small, cramped studio, for seven hours. His back aches, his ass is going numb, and he is nowhere near close to finding anyone perfect enough for Dorian. Dorian was the last batch of auditions, and Todd is over it. He probably should’ve stuck to writing poetry. He probably should’ve become a banker like his father had wished. He probably should’ve done a lot of things.

His parents called him monthly. Todd lied to them monthly. They still thought he was with the newspaper company, not out of work and writing plays in his spare time. They would not approve of his life choices, they’d probably stop communication all together if they ever found out about the lavender paper. Jeffrey was still the golden boy, and Todd was still Todd.

“We’ve got one more audition, and then we can go. Good job everyone!” Peter explains, passing around the portfolio to the other members of the crew. Todd looks at the name and almost laughs from the weird coincidence.” Neil Keating, 20, average height and build. Brunette, brown eyes, glasses. Seems perfect looks wise but let’s see if this kid can act.”

Todd thinks the term ‘kid’ is ridiculous as he’s only just freshly 21 himself, and the rest of the crew aren’t that much older. He places the small folder onto the desk infront of him and awaits the last auditions entrance. In walks an average height, brunette man, with brown eyes and glasses. He’s in a beige turtleneck sweater that’s tucked into some dark brown pants, accompanied by a pair of docs, and a beret in his hands. Todd blinks once. Then he blinks again. He’s seeing things, he must be. Either that, or ghosts are real.

Neil’s brown eyes meet Todd’s blues, and they both seem to pale at the same time. Standing before Todd Anderson, clutching his script and a beret, is a slightly older, very much alive, Neil Perry. Todd’s stomach churns.

Chapter Text

Todd Alexander Anderson

Early December, 1963, New York

“I say we go with Keating.”

Neil had given a wonderful audition, it was no wonder why Peter was so insistent he play Dorian. Todd’s been sat quietly for the last hour as they make their first draft of casting decisions. They were going to finalise it tomorrow. He’d been silent throughout all of Neil’s audition, and hadn’t even looked him in the eye as he’d exited. He’s confused, and upset, and he feels sick. He needs to go home.

“Come on, Anderson, what do you think?” Peter asks, clearly not reading the emotionless look on Todd’s face. All eyes fall to him, and that familiar anxiety begins to seep in.

“Yeah yeah, let’s go with him.” Todd can’t even say his name, the word sticking in his throat. He needs to get out of here.

“Perfect, well, I’ll see you all tomorrow for our finalisation of the casting.” Peter says, and with that, they’re dismissed.

Todd grabs his coat and bag and practically sprints out of the room. Unfortunately, Neil is waiting for him, chasing him down the corridor. Todd’s chest is aching, and tears are misting over his eyes. None of this is real. It can’t be. Neil Perry is dead.

“Todd, let me explain, please!” Neil calls out after him, and Todd comes to an abrupt stop. He feels Neil stop behind him, and shrugs away from his touch. He doesn’t look at him, and a tear escapes his eye as he blinks.

“You’re supposed to be dead!” Todd says around a choked sob, his hands balled into fists as he presses his nails into his palm to will himself to stop crying. He’s sure he looks insane.

“Hey, don’t do that, you’re going to hurt yourself.” Neil’s voice is soft, and Todd jolts his hand away as he feels Neil attempt to open his hands back up. He jolts away from him entirely, more tears falling, sobs willing to break free. Digging his nails into his palms had been a habit he’d picked up after Neil died, completely grief induced. But, of course, Neil didn’t know that.” Todd, come on, please let me explain. Let’s go some place private.”

And that’s how Todd ends up at a table in the corner of a practically empty coffee shop. It’s late, he should be getting home, Charlie and Knox were probably starting to get worried. But, some force of nature within him wants to hear what Neil has to say. Neil’s fussing over him slightly, even if Todd keeps dodging his attempts at comfort. He does accept a wad of napkins, but he can’t seem to stop crying.

“I can tell you’re in shock.” Neil begins and Todd cuts him off with,” No shit I’m in shock. You died, Neil! You died. For the past four years I’ve been grieving you, for the past four years I get the same bout of sadness during these months. I have days where I can’t get out of bed, nights where I can’t sleep because you died !”

“Well, clearly I didn’t die.” Neil says, and Todd rolls his eyes, wiping his nose with a napkin. He’s never felt so confused or angry before, and Neil seems shocked to be on the receiving end.” That was my father’s doing. We had an argument and he kicked me out, said I wasn’t any son of his and that I was dead to him. Never in a million years did I think that would mean he would tell people I died.”

“So, where have you been these past four years?” Todd asks, more tears threatening to spill.” You’ve been alive this whole time and you never once came to see us!”

“I moved to London with Keating, he was the reason I even knew my father had killed me off. I didn’t want to scare you guys so I stayed away, I realise now that if I’d seen you sooner this probably would’ve hurt you less.” Neil admits, and he watches as Todd gulps down more tears, fiddling with a napkin in his hand.” You grew out your hair.”

“You’re changing the subject.” Todd sniffs, wiping his eyes on his napkin. He looks at Neil, properly for the first time since he’d stepped into the audition room. He’s got some slight stubble, and the glasses now seem to be a permanent fixture. He looks good, he looks happy, and Todd’s heart hammers in his chest; a mix of attraction and upset bubbling in his gut.” I need to go home.”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Neil asks as they both stand, Todd hating how wobbly his legs are. He shakes his head, and Neil takes a small step away from him to allow him some space.

“I don’t think Knox and Charlie would appreciate you walking into the apartment without warning.” Todd says, and Neil’s eyes seem to light up at the mention of other Poets. Todd’s stomach churns again. He really needs to get out of here before he vomits on the table.

“There’s more poets in New York?” Neil’s voice is gentle, calming, the way it always had been and Todd tries to ignore the new tears that find their way to his eyes. He clears his throat instead.

“We’re all in New York, except Cameron.” Todd explains, and Neil looks a little confused by that.” It’s a long story.”

“Tell me it sometime.” Neil says, and Todd shrugs.” It was nice seeing you, Todd.”

The blonde doesn’t respond. Instead, he puts on his coat and picks up his briefcase and makes his way out of the coffee shop. He does eventually throw up, in a trash can two blocks away from his apartment. To say he’s overwhelmed is an understatement, and he needs to tell Charlie and Knox about this right away. He couldn’t be the only poet to know about Neil being alive, that wouldn’t be fair. The others had known him for much longer than Todd had, especially Charlie, who had been friends with Neil since kindergarten.

It’s a relief when Todd eventually makes it up the stairs to his apartment, and he’s even more relieved when his key actually works for once without getting stuck in the keyhole. He opens the door, immediately wishing he hadn’t when he’s greeted to Charlie and Knox on top of one another, naked, and kissing. He should step back outside and slam the door, but he’s rooted to the spot in shock. This was too much to handle tonight.

“What the fuck?” He manages to get out, and by that point the two have stopped what Todd is pretty sure was them having sex, and they’re sat on the couch with a blanket over them.” What the fuck? What the fuck!”

“We can explain.” Knox begins as Todd steps over the threshold and closes the door. He places down his briefcase, takes off his shoes, and goes over to the fridge silently. The other two watch as he pulls out a beer, which Charlie seems surprised by. They were his beers, not Todd’s. Todd didn’t really drink.

“Todd?” Charlie asks, sensing that something was really wrong. Todd practically chugs his beer, places the empty bottle on the counter, and then turns to his friends and says,” I cannot deal with this tonight. So, continue whatever the hell you were doing, because I’m going to bash my head against a wall and pass out.”

“Todd!” Charlie calls out as Todd goes to his room. He closes the door and lets out a sigh before he gets changed into his pyjamas.  Just as he clambers into bed, his door opens to reveal Knox and Charlie in the doorway, both thankfully clothed. The latter asks,” are you okay? I didn’t think you’d react like this. Has something else happened?”

“Neil’s alive.” Todd mumbles, and Knox and Charlie glance to one another. The confusion is evident on both of their faces, and then Charlie’s face twists into concern.

“Look, just ignore Meeks, alright? That waiter was definitely not Neil.” Charlie begins but Todd cuts across him with,” no, Charlie, Neil’s alive! He’s alive. He auditioned for the play, going by Neil Keating. I spoke to him and everything!”

“You’re insane.” Charlie states.

“It’s the truth!” Todd barks back, and Knox says,” yeah I don’t think Todd would lie about something like this, Charlie.”

“It’s impossible!” The anger stage of grief. It hits Charlie the most, he always has a temper this time of year. Todd had been hit with denial first, and so his reaction to Neil being alive had been denial. Charlie’s skipped straight to rage, just like he had done when he found out Neil was dead four years ago.” He’s dead! He died! He’s gone!”

“Why would I lie about this?” Todd asks, and that leaves Charlie stumped. He stands in quiet thought, and then just gives a sad shrug in response.” It’s him, Charlie, alright? It really is him, he’s alive and doing perfectly fine. Keating adopted him or something and they moved away to London, he’s only been back in America for three months. He didn’t think he’d ever see us again so he never tried to reach out.”

Charlie’s silent, and Knox glances to him, reaching out his hand to comfort him but he notices Todd watching and so shoves his hand into his robe pocket instead. Todd just raises a brow as he says,” let’s address the elephant in the room, what the fuck did I just walk in on?”

“It’s just casual sex, Todd, you prude.”  Charlie responds, his usual enthusiasm changed into something more somber after the news of Neil. A flash of hurt crosses Knox’s eye before he adds,” yeah…just casual sex.”

“For how long?” Todd asks.

“Since Chris and I separated.” Knox responds, fiddling with his robe and not looking his friend in the eye.” Before the divorce but…it isn’t the reason for the divorce. Chris and I just fell out of love that’s all that happened, I didn’t start sleeping with Charlie until two weeks into the separation.”

“You’ve been sleeping together for three months?” Todd asks in disbelief. Charlie and Knox glance to one another before they look back to him and nod.” So…this whole time, when we thought you were helping Knox come to terms with the separation, you’d…

“Been having sex with him, yes.” Charlie responds. Knox shuffles awkwardly, clearly uncomfortable with Charlie being so open about their sex life.” And you don’t get to judge me, Todd. Just because you’re too depressed to get any action, ever-

“Get out of my room, Dalton.” Todd sighs, too exhausted to argue with him tonight. Charlie rolls his eyes and then sulks off, Knox following after, closing the door behind them as he does so.

Todd settles down for the night, but he doesn’t drift off for a few hours. Instead, he lies there, thinking of Neil— trying to understand his emotions. He’s so angry at him, but there’s a small amount of relief in his gut as well. He had Neil back, and he was glad about that, of course he was. But adjusting to having him back was going to be hard. He wasn’t the same person he was four years ago, and neither is Neil.

Neil Thomas Keating

Early December, 1963, New York

The journey home is a quiet moment of reflection for Neil. He’d only seen Todd, but he’s aware that the other poets will now know he’s alive and well, as well. Todd had been shell shocked, Neil had never seen him look so grief-stricken before. He seems a lot different to the Todd he knew. He has a slight confidence to him that Neil only ever saw in fleeting moments.  His hair is longer, and parted in the middle, and his acne was clearing up. His voice was a tad deeper, and he was a fraction taller than he’d stood at 16. He had always been attractive, Neil knew that, but he’s learnt that his attraction to Todd hasn’t disappeared.

Walt is already waiting by the door as Neil enters the house, and he scratches the dog’s head happily as the scent of roast chicken wafts into the entrance hall. Neil takes off his coat and shoes and heads into the kitchen, where John is stood carving up the meat for their pot roast. Neil grabs a rogue carrot, and laughs when his adoptive father fails to bat his hand away. John smirks at him in amusement as he sits down at the table.

“How did the audition go?” He asks as Neil pours himself a glass of water from the jug in the centre of the table.

“I probably won’t get the part.” Neil responds after he’s had a sip of his drink. Keating raises an eyebrow and Neil says,” Todd is the playwright, and he’s heavily involved with the creative process and…I’ve never seen him so angry.”

“Todd? As in Todd Anderson?” Keating asks, and Neil nods as he watches his adoptive father finish plating up their dinner.” Well, why wouldn’t you get the role because of him?”

“You didn’t see him, Captain. He was so upset, I thought he was going to be sick multiple times. I’ve never seen him so angry, especially never at me.” Neil explains as John places their plates down.

“I told you that you should’ve gotten into contact with them sooner.” He says and Neil just sighs out a,” I didn’t know how…and I didn’t want to freak them out.”

“I don’t think you should give up hope of that role, Neil. Knowing Todd, he wouldn’t let his emotions get in the way of your opportunities.” John sits down as he talks, tucking his chair under the table as he raises his cutlery.

“Well this didn’t seem like the same Todd we both knew.” Neil states. A look of confusion passes on John’s face.” He’s got more confidence, but he seems a lot more sad. The latter is evidently because of me being dead for the past four years.”

Neil sighs and places down his cutlery, rubbing his hands across his face. He doesn’t know what he’ll do if Todd never wants to see him again, if Todd would rather act like Neil being alive never happened. It would hurt, of course it would, but it wouldn’t hurt nearly as bad as today had for Todd. Neil can’t get the images of Todd out of his mind. The rage, the confusion, the hurt.

He’s more than aware that the other poets will know he’s alive. He doesn’t mind that one bit. He misses each and every one of them. However, if Todd had been this angry, he can’t even begin to imagine the others reactions; especially Charlie’s. Charlie had been Neil’s best friend since they were six, and if Neil had hurt Todd this much, he doesn’t even want to think about how badly he’s hurt Charlie.

After dinner, John asks Neil to join him for a board game night, but Neil just resigns himself to his room— too exhausted from the audition and the drama of the day. Keating just smiles and ruffles Neil’s hair before wishing him goodnight. Neil says goodnight back before he kisses his adoptive father’s cheek. The first thing on his agenda is a bath.

He sits quietly as he runs the hot tap, the running water numbing his brain slightly. He sinks in the moment the bath is ready, and he closes his eyes as the warmth cascades over him like a blanket. Todd’s eyes, full of anger and hurt, flash in Neil’s mind and he practically jumps out of the bath as he jolts awake. He quickly washes his hair before he clambers out of the tub and wraps a towel around himself, brushing his teeth before he sprints to his room. Walt is lying upon the bed, and Neil coos at him as he opens his drawers to get some pyjamas.

Once changed, Neil climbs into his bed, Walt curling beside him as he usually does. He pets his dog quietly, and wills for sleep to come. It takes a little while, but it eventually arrives, with Neil’s head lolling off his pillow and his hand placed on Walt’s back.

Wind blows through Neil’s hair as he and Todd make their way down toward the lake, Todd’s cheeks rosey from the flush of the cold weather, his nose turning slightly red as well. Neil grins, looking at the script Todd has his nose in, his fingertips also slightly red from the cold. Neil wants to hold them, warm them up, but he doesn’t. Instead, they walk, side by side in anything but silence. Joy bubbles. Neil wanted to live like this forever.

“Here, villain, raw and ready, where art thou?” Neil recites enthusiastically, wrapping himself around a tree; trying to get Todd’s attention. It’s futile. His red tipped nose is stuck in the script.

“I will be with thee straight.” Reads the blonde, sauntering past Neil and not even acknowledging him. Neil follows on, feeling joyful and mischievous.

“Follow me then to plainer ground!” Neil says, Todd chuckling a little.” God I love this!”

“What, me?” It’s the last thing he expects to hear from Todd’s mouth. He sounds so sincere, the words falling easily off of his tongue. Yes, you. Always you, Neil thinks. Instead he stammers as he responds with,” no, ah-acting’s gotta be one of the most wonderful things in the world. Think about it, most people are lucky if they get to live half an exciting life, right?”

They’re edging closer to the lake as Neil talks, Todd hooked to his every word. He continues with,” if I get the parts I could live dozens of great lives. To be or not to be; that is the question!” He jumps in the air, exclaiming excitedly, taking Todd by surprise.” For the first time in my life I feel completely alive!”

His shoulder bumps into Todd’s, who grins to him before he turns back to the script. Neil’s heart flutters in his chest.

“You, you! You should come to rehearsals!” Neil tells Todd. He loves spending time with him. He could spend every hour of every day with him if he was allowed.

“Oh I couldn’t.” Todd says as Neil yells,” Yes! It’s the best, I know they need people to run the lights and stuff.” They step onto the platform that sits upon the lake. Todd glances to him with a blush.

“Come on, there’s girls.” Neil states even if he doesn’t want to. Todd stops his protesting and flushes even more. Jealousy gnaws at the pit of Neil’s stomach like an ache you can’t ignore. It was his own suggestion, and yet he’s made himself jealous. However, he continues on upon seeing the flush on Todd’s face.” The girl who plays Hermia’s incredible!”

“Yeah, what’s she look like?” Todd mumbles in question, sounding the least interested Neil has ever heard anyone sound.

“If you’re not coming, forget it.” His voice is a pitch far too high, and he tries to cough it back to normal.” Forget it! Let’s go back. Back back back!”

“Oh uhm…follow me to plainer ground, uhhh ye art thou there?” Todd reads, deadpan, from the script. Neil turns to him, eyebrow raised, and Todd raises his back in an attempt to challenge him. Only Neil saw this side of him. The confident, playful side. He cherished it whenever he saw it, fleetingly.

“What?” He asks. Todd looks back to the script.

“Ye art thou there?”

“Put more into it!” Neil yells, and a look of mischief flashes on Todd’s face as he yells out,” ye art thou there?” his arms out in a twirl as his does so. Neil’s heart clenches with affection.

“That’s it!” He’s beaming so hard from pride his cheeks hurt. Todd beams back, his crooked teeth giving him a charm that drew Neil like a magnet. He wants to kiss him.

The two muck around on the platform upon the bridge, yelling their lines, play fighting, and laughing. Neil wants to kiss Todd Anderson senseless, yet they head back up to the school with space between them; giggling and red in the face.

A memory of a dream that goes far too quickly for Neil’s liking. Ten minutes after he wakes, he can’t remember his dream that clearly. Of course, the memory remains in his brain, but only vividly. His heart is the size of a lake, filled with affection. Todd was back in his life. He wasn’t going to screw this up.

Todd Alexander Anderson

Early December, 1963, New York

Everyone, but Dorian, has been cast. Peter and George are currently having a debate over Neil’s hair colour and texture, and Todd is sat entirely bored out of his mind. Despite everything, he wants Neil for Dorian— his audition was arguably the best. However, George is having a debate on whether Neil looks Dorian enough.

“Dorian is described in the book to have curly blonde hair and blue eyes. Neil’s a brunette with brown eyes. It’s not authentic!” He argues, hands on his hips.

“I don’t think that matters, to be honest.” Peter argues back, leaning back in his chair slightly, boredom evident on his face.

“Dorian’s looks are important to his character.” George begins, but he’s cut off by Todd saying,” actually, he’s described by Wilde to be beautiful. As if he was gifted beauty by the gods themselves. It doesn’t matter if Neil is blonde or not, what matters is if he’s beautiful.”

The Hamilton Arts centre was a company run entirely by closeted queers. Todd had found this out when he and Peter had first met, clearly being deemed worthy of this information. He guessed that logically anyone willing to adapt The Picture of Dorian Gray has to be a queer of some sort. The entire crew are homosexual men and women, or people like Charlie who like both; and so Todd felt slightly comfortable around them. Not as comfortable with the poets, but he could trust them.

“So, your argument is that Neil’s beautiful enough to be Dorian?” Peter asks with a look of understanding twinkling in his eye.

“Of course Neil is beautiful. He’s beautiful inside and out.” Todd responds, and George, Peter and Elizabeth look at him with slight surprise. Elizabeth places down her clipboard and asks,” you two have history? I mean, I thought so when he walked into the room yesterday. You looked like you’d seen a ghost.”

“We went to school together. We were roommates.” Todd admits, and that causes George to say,” we aren’t giving him the role because he’s your ex and you feel guilty for how it ended.”

“We’re not exes. We never even dated. We were just friends…best friends.” Todd snaps back, his signature glare taking over his face.” I don’t want Neil to have the role because of any feelings for him, alright? I want him to play Dorian because he had the best audition, and he’s beautiful enough to play him, alright?”

Peter looks satisfied with that answer, but George still presses on with,” this is the most controversial play we’ve done thus far. This could be the one to out the company as queer run. I want it done properly.”

“Neil is playing Dorian, end of story.” Peter finalises, and Elizabeth smirks as she writes on her clipboard.

The four head out into the hallway, where dozens of actors are waiting to hear news of casting. Todd spots Neil stood in a doorway, leaning against the frame, dressed like a beatnik in a baggy sweater, beret and his docs. He smiles to Todd, who doesn’t want to give into him so easily, so he just glances to Elizabeth— who’s placing the cast list onto the notice board. The crowd swarm like a flock of birds to bread, and Todd watches as Neil hangs back for a second. A few eyes turn to him, and he raises a brow before he makes his way through the crowd.

DORIAN GRAY… Neil Keating

Chapter Text

Neil Thomas Perry

Mid July 1962, London

Living in London was the best decision Neil had ever made in his life. In the three years they’d been there, Neil had developed a beatnik style, had graced the amateur stage multiple times, and had just graced the globe stage in a professional production of A Midsummer Nights Dream, where he’d played Lysander instead of Puck. They were living in a cost two bed apartment with their new puppy John had got for Neil for his birthday. Life was good.

The London queer scene had adopted Neil when he’d turned 18. At first, he’d been frequenting the normal bars, but eventually those he worked with introduced him to the hidden gay bars in Soho. He’d dipped his toes in at first, a voice in his head that sounded like his biological fathers telling him that being with a man was wrong, that kissing a man was wrong, that he was filth and dirt. It still voices its unwanted opinions sometimes, but it’s easier to drown out when he’s on his knees in the bathroom and a handsome man he can’t remember the name of is stroking his hair.

He stumbles into the apartment, reeking of alcohol and the remaining scent of Nick or whatever his name was, the cute blonde he’d spent most of the night with and gotten off with in the bathroom. Most of his nights went this way lately, and he’s always quiet upon his arrival home. John didn’t know where he went and Neil didn’t feel like offering up that information. He couldn’t ruin another relationship with another father. Walt comes bounding into the entrance hall as Neil slips his shoes off, and he hangs his coat up before he scratches his dog behind the ear.

“It’s four in the morning, Neil.” Keatings voice rings out, making Neil freeze in his tracks as he makes his way past the living room to get to his bedroom. He pokes his head around the door to see his adoptive father sitting on the couch, eyes heavy from sleep but concern written in the slight frown in his brow.

“Shit, sorry, I didn’t realise. Lost track of time.” Neil replies, careful not to slur his words. He’s absolutely hammered, if he’s being honest, and his stomach is churning and he just wants to get to bed.

“This is the third night in a row.” John states, trying to be careful to not sound disappointed. Neil can’t handle authority being disappointed with him.” Where do you go?”

“Just out with some friends.” Neil responds, hoping he seems sober. Keating studies his face and then sighs before he says,” you smell like a brewery. I just…I know you’re keeping something from me, and I just need to know that you’re being safe and sensible.”

“I am.” Neil responds, wishing that the look of examination on John’s face will disappear. It doesn’t. In fact, it just gets more worried.” I promise I’m safe.”

“You do know that you can tell me whatever it is you’re scared to tell me right now. You can trust me.” John says, the caring tone ever prominent in his voice. Neil feels the tears start to build up, the lump in his throat becoming instantly unbearable.” I’m not Tom, Neil. I won’t get mad with you, I promise. I’m just worried about you. You come home in this state all the time, it’s not healthy.”

“I’m sorry.” Neil whispers, voice tearful and somewhat broken. He clears it and blinks his tears away, but they come back even fiercer.” I’m just…I really really don’t want you to hate me.”

“I won’t hate you. Come on, sit down, let’s talk.” John instructs, patting the spot on the couch beside him. Neil hesitantly walks in and sits down beside him. He stinks of booze, and he’s slightly aware of the faint lingering scent of sex on him. John doesn’t say anything. He just sits and waits until Neil is ready to speak.

They sit in silence for a little while as Neil tries to figure out how to word what he wants to say. He sniffs back some tears, and begs silently for the anxiety that’s bubbling in his chest to disappear. John is patient with him, he’s always patient with him, and Neil doesn’t want to fuck this up. He finally had a dad he loved and admired, he couldn’t lose this.

“Okay.” Neil begins, taking a sharp intake of breath.” Okay…I…I go out to…to homosexual bars. I’m a homosexual.”

“Oh.” John says, and it’s not a surprised sounding oh, it’s a relieved one and that piques Neil’s interest. He looks at his adoptive father with confusion, a few tears rolling down his cheeks.” I knew that, Neil, but thanks for trusting me enough to share that with me.”

“You knew?” Neil asks, suddenly worried that it’s incredibly obvious that he’s gay. John just smiles and Neil wipes at his tears.

“I’m very observant. You’ve never shown interest in any girls in the time I’ve known you, and I remember how you would be about Todd Anderson when you were in school.” John explains and Neil furrows his brow.” I don’t hate you for being a homosexual, Neil. I could never hate my child just because of who they happen to love. You can’t help it. That’s just who you are.”

“Tom was different.” Neil admits, picking at the hem of the sleeve of his tshirt. He stares blankly at the floor as the memories of the night he got kicked out flashes through his mind.” He wanted me to transfer to some military school, I told him no. I told him I had friends at Welton that I couldn’t leave behind. He somehow could read through the lines. He could always read me like a book. He pieced together my feelings for Todd somehow and just…that was it. He couldn’t have a son who wanted to act and he sure as shit couldn’t have one who wanted to kiss boys.”

“I’m not Tom.” John says, reaching over and taking a hold of Neil’s hand. Neil nods, wiping away some more of his tears.” I love you for who you are, Neil, and that means loving every part of you. Even when you think it’s an insecurity or even when you’ve done something that irritates me. I love you, Neil Perry, okay? You are my son, not his!”

“Keating.” Neil says and John raises a brow when the young man looks at him.” Neil Keating. I don’t want to be a Perry anymore.”

John Keating didn’t cry often, but he openly wept that night. Of course, he always encouraged Neil to wear his heart on his sleeve, to not shy away from his emotions; so it’s not a shock when Neil ends up crying with him. Father and son hug, crying into one another’s shoulder as Walt curls up by their feet. Love overwhelms Neil, and he hugs his former teacher tight. He finally had a parent he felt safe with.

Todd Alexander Anderson

December 1963, New York City

Todd sits in somewhat dumbfounded silence as Neil tells his stories of life in London. It’s been a week since casting was announced, and if Todd’s being honest, he’s kind of avoided being with Neil alone. He’s fine if they’re in a group, but the thought of the two hanging out together without anyone else fills Todd up with so much anxiety it’s almost like he’s 16 again and staring at the ceiling of his dormitory at school because every time he looks at his roommate he feels funny. It’s even worse now. Neil is older, he’s grown into his looks, he’s so effortlessly handsome that Todd can’t help the pool of attraction that’s flooding his stomach and making his trousers a little tight. And here’s Neil, talking somewhat loud in the corner of a dingy cafe about how he’s about as openly queer as one can be in this day and age, and he’s practically admitted to having feelings for Todd when they were in school.

“So Mr Keating knows?” Todd asks and Neil nods as he sips on the last of his coffee.” I could…I could never tell a parent that.”

“It helps that we’re close, y’know? Don’t get me wrong, I was terrified to tell him because of what had gone down with Tom but…John’s so understanding. And he’s so patient. I’ve got a lot of parental trauma I’m still unwinding, and I can use a lot of reassurance about stupid things but he’s always willing to reassure me when I need it.” Neil explains with a smile and Todd smiles back.

“My father would kill me if he knew.” Todd admits and Neil raises an eyebrow.” Oh come on, you didn’t know? I’ve just adapted the Picture of Dorian Gray. The whole theatre company is full of fags.”

“Oh no I knew, I’m aware of who the company is run by I’m just surprised you’re talking so openly and so…publicly about it.” Neil says, causing Todd to glance around the space. It’s near closing time so it’s not busy, there’s only two other people in there besides the workers.” Todd, I promise you, no one in this building right now cares if you wanna sleep with a boy, okay?”

“You don’t know that.” Todd tells him and Neil sighs.” Don’t sigh at me , Neil. My experience hasn’t been as carefree and as loving as yours. This…this has stopped me from getting a proper job all because someone assumed I’m a homosexual. They had no proof and yet they could tell. I haven’t been with anyone, not properly. I’ve slept with one person my whole life, and I have not allowed myself to try and find the New York homosexual nightlife because I cannot allow for this to change anything. My parents cannot find out.”

“Depriving yourself of something you want is no way to live, Todd.” Neil says, his hand gently sliding across the table. Before he can place it on Todd’s, the blonde moves his away and folds his arms, suddenly feeling angry and upset over how naive Neil is seeming. Neil spots the slight tension and sits up straight before sighing again.

“There was no point acting on it, I wasn’t going to allow myself to love anyone.” Todd mumbles, and Neil’s suddenly interested in where the conversation is headed as he adjusts in his seat again.” It went terribly the first time.”

“What happened?” Neil asks, and Todd examines his face. He looks genuinely clueless as to who Todd is referring to, and Todd just looks him straight in the eye as he quietly admits,” he died…only he apparently didn’t and just didn’t tell any of his friends.”

This time, it’s Neil who sits in dumbfounded shock. Todd just smiles to him before he stands up and puts his coat on, heading to the cash register and paying for their coffees. Neil is immediately up and at his side, arguing over Todd paying for their coffees, but the blonde just shrugs and heads out of the building, the brunette running after him. They still had a lot to discuss, and so Todd invites Neil back to the apartment. He hopes Charlie and Knox (who are now sharing a room since Todd found out about their…arrangement) are asleep. He doesn’t want to scare them, and he doesn’t really want to scare Neil either if they’re doing it on the couch again.

The key jams in the lock yet again and Todd sighs as he shoulders the door open, Neil looking a little shocked that this is where they’re living. Todd informs him that they’re planning to move, and Neil just silently walks inside and has a look around. Todd, surprisingly, doesn’t have to ask Neil to remove his shoes, he just does it immediately.

“It’s cozy.” Neil says as he hovers by the couch.

“It’s filthy but that’s what happens when you live with Charlie.” Todd responds, and Neil’s eyes flicker towards Charlie’s closed bedroom door.” You miss him?”

“I miss all of you.” Neil responds.” Even you, even now. I see you near enough every day yet you avoid me like I’m a toxic poison.”

“It’s difficult to comprehend that you’re alive, Neil.” Todd says as Neil begins to fiddle with the scarf he forgot to take off. He doesn’t remember when they became so close, he can feel Neil’s breath on his nose.” We’ve all mourned you and yet, here you are.”

“I want to see the other poets.” Neil admits, and Todd nods.” I just don’t want to freak them out like I have done to you.”

Telling the other poets hadn’t gone down well. Meeks was haunted by the fact he was probably right that day in the restaurant, Pitts had ignored that anything had even been said. They’d even managed to get ahold of Cameron who immediately put the phone down when Knox told him about Neil. Even Chris thought it was a joke to begin with before she realised Todd wouldn’t lie about something like this. Only Ginny Danburry of all people had believed Todd right away.

“Look at me, please. You haven’t looked at me properly this whole time!” Neil begs and Todd looks up at him, blue eyes meeting brown. His face is tangled with concern, his glasses sliding down his nose slightly. He’s still the same person. He’s still Neil, alive and breathing, and Todd feels tears well up in his eyes.

He reaches up and pushes Neil’s glasses back up his nose for him, and his hand lingers there for a second before it falls back to his side. Neil shuffles closer, his hand gently finding its way to Todd’s cheek when a tear escapes. He wipes it away, touch as soft as a feather, and then he cups Todd’s cheek in his hand. Neil’s eyes are flicking to Todd’s lips, and Todd feels a sudden panic set in. He wants this, this is all he’s wanted, to be kissed by Neil Perry. But not now, it can’t happen now, this was a Neil he didn’t know completely. This Neil was still a stranger. The same boy from Welton yet an entirely different man. Just before Neil’s lips land on Todd’s, the blonde moves his head slightly so Neil ends up kissing his cheek.

“I’m sorry.” Todd breathes out, eyes trained on the floor where one of the floorboards sticks up a little. Charlie always trips on it and says every curse word under the sun.” We can’t.”

“Why can’t we?” Neil asks, hand still placed on Todd’s cheek. He moves Todd’s head so they’re back to looking at one another, and Neil doesn’t look angry. He just looks slightly hurt at the rejection.” We’ve both admitted to having feelings for one another, why can’t we just…kiss?”

“It’s not right.” Todd states and Neil looks confused.” We’re different people to who we were when we were sixteen, Neil. We don’t know one another that well.”

“I know you, Todd, I do.” Neil says, and the blonde shakes his head.” No don’t shake your head at me. I know you! You love your friends so much it scares you at times. You are an unbelievably talented writer, I’ve always said so. Your poetry is as good as the greats of our time! I know that when you really care about something you’re writing, you pace in a circle. I know when you’re anxious you pick at a hangnail on your thumb that never heals properly because you constantly open the wound up. I know that you prefer to sleep on your left side, curled up slightly, because it’s the most comfortable position for you. I know that you care about what others think of you, even to this day.”

Todd stands silently, looking into Neil’s eyes. Sure, he knew a lot. Todd hadn’t changed all that much since school, but there was still a lot Neil didn’t know, and there’s a lot Todd doesn’t know about Neil.

“You don’t know that since you died I have days where I can’t get up. Days where everything feels so bleak I can’t stand to face anyone or do anything. You don’t know that I hardly speak to my family these days, that Jeffrey is happily married with a child who I’ve never met because I cannot stand to be at home with any of them.” Todd begins and Neil’s adrenaline seems to sag as he hunches in on himself.” You don’t know that I lost my virginity to Charlie, because we were both drunk and sad and alone and I just needed a connection. You don’t know that afterwards I cried because I felt so disgusting, and because Charlie…Charlie wasn’t you. You don’t know that in the draw in the unit by the front door is a little slip of lavender paper that is preventing me from living my life as I so wish, that I lost my job almost four months ago and I’ve felt guilty about it day after day because I rely on Charlie to pay the bills. I feel like an awful friend to him. So no, Neil, you don’t know me anymore.”

“I do.” Neil whispers and Todd just shakes his head.” Let me get to know the other parts of you that I don’t…please? Please stop avoiding me it hurts.”

“You actually being alive for four years hurts.” Todd says and Neil snaps out,” that wasn’t my fault! I wasn’t the one who decided that, Tom was! Please stop punishing me for that.”

“You should’ve contacted us the moment you found out your father had told us all you were dead.” Todd explains and Neil sighs out a,” I’ve already explained this to you. I was moving to London. There would’ve been no point. I didn’t think we’d ever come back to America, I didn’t want to hurt you!”

“Mission failed.” Todd says, and then his anger subsides when he notices how genuinely upset Neil is by this. He could never stay mad at him for long. Neil’s head is down, his eyes focussed on the floor, and Todd places a hand under the brunettes chin and moves his head so he’s looking at him.” Don’t cry. Shit, I didn’t mean to make you cry.”

Not only is Neil crying, he’s silently sobbing, and Todd pulls him into a hug. The younger man clearly felt guilty and it was evidently eating away at him, and so Todd vows to never get outwardly upset with Neil over the whole ‘being alive but not contacting your friends’ situation. However, he couldn’t promise that Charlie would be the same way.

Once everything’s calmed down, the two end up taking residency on the couch and talking for hours, well into the night. Todd starts drifting off after a while, and that’s when Neil says he should head off to bed and that he needs to head home. Todd suggests he stay over, and he grabs the pillow and blanket that Knox had been using for weeks. Neil grins and then says he has to call Keating or he’ll stay up all night worrying.

“Yes, hi it’s me. I’m using Todd’s phone…I’m staying here tonight. No, nothing like that Captain.” Neil says into the phone and Todd pulls a face of confusion. Neil just smiles to him.” Okay…yes I know I have work at seven. Yep…I mean he might. I’ll ask…Todd, he wants to say hi.”

Todd immediately rushes over to the phone, passing Neil a pair of Charlie’s pyjama pants that had just been washed for him to change into. Neil grins and takes off to the bathroom, and Todd tries to calm his anxiety down as he speaks into the phone.

“Hi Mr Keating.”

“Hi Todd, I hope you’ll take care of my son for me.” Comes the voice of Mr Keating. Suddenly all of Todd’s anxiety ebbs away and he smiles.

“Of course I will.” He responds.

“I have complete faith that you will. Now, how have you been?”

“I’m…okay. Some days I’m not but right now I’m okay.” Todd admits truthfully. He couldn’t lie to Mr Keating, that was like lying to a parent (which was hypocritical. Considering he lies to his parents all the time).

“Neil showed me your script. Please tell me you’re going to become a professional writer.” Keating says and a familiar shyness blooms in Todd’s chest.

“Do you…do you think I could become a teacher if I went back to school to train?” Todd asks. It’s something he’s always wondered about. He wants to be the type of person others can look up to, the figure in someone’s life that Keating was to him and to his friends.

“I think you’d make an excellent teacher, Todd.”

“Thanks Mr Keating.” Todd says fondly, and then the bathroom door opens to reveal a pyjama clad, exhausted looking Neil.” Neil’s back, I’ll pass you over to him.”

“It was nice talking to you, Todd. I hope I can see you soon.”

“I’d like that.” Todd says, and then he says a final goodbye before he passes the phone back to Neil. As Neil talks, Todd sets up a spot for him on the couch.

“Yes. Okay…yes I know you’ve already told me I have work at seven. Okay. Goodnight, Captain…I love you too.” The way Neil speaks is so fond, and Todd suddenly feels like he’s intruding. He finishes fluffing up the pillow before he turns to Neil, who’s putting the phone back onto the receiver.” He’s protective.”

“I don’t blame him.” Todd chuckles, and then Neil heads over to the couch and gets under the blanket.” Feel free to grab a glass of water if you need it, I also think we have something food in if you get hungry in the night.”

“Thanks.” Neil says and Todd hesitantly leans over and presses a gentle kiss to Neil’s temple before he squeaks out a,” goodnight” and runs off to his bedroom; hearing Neil laugh as he closes the door.

He changes into his pyjamas and then climbs into bed, fatigue hitting him like a truck. It’s the first time in a long time that he’s able to fall asleep instantly, and he lies on his left side, slightly curled up as his dreams wash over him.

Chapter Text

Todd Alexander Anderson

June 1961, Vermont

It wasn’t much of a graduation party. It was just Charlie and Todd in their new apartment that was a five minute walk away from their college campus. Knox had attended but he and Chris had gotten into a heated debate and had left, and Meeks and Pitts had also stepped out early, leaving just Charlie and Todd in the mess of the party; both drunk and not planning on stopping drinking anytime soon.

“For you.” Charlie says, passing Todd another beer, which he completes in three gulps.” Holy shit.”

“What?” Todd asks, placing the bottle down.  Charlie just smirks and Todd wants to wipe the smirk off of his face.

“You don’t drink at all but tonight you’re an animal.” Charlie responds and Todd just sighs out a,” I miss Neil.”

“Yeah…me too.” Charlie’s voice is quiet, almost vulnerable, and Todd hates the sadness that’s creeping into his veins; so he snatches Charlie’s beer out of his hands and chugs it.” Hey! That’s mine.”

“Snooze you lose.” Todd responds, and Charlie goes to snatch it back which culminates in a weird back and forth of the beer bottle, and beer flying everywhere.

Charlie pushes a bit too hard and suddenly, Todd’s on the floor. Unfortunately for Charlie, Todd had grabbed a hold of his collar and had dragged him down with him. The beer bottle drops from Charlie’s hand and rolls away, and the two laugh a little as they lie there. Todd looks up at Charlie, into his brown eyes which are hazy from the drink. His brunette hair is falling across his forehead messily and he’s got a shit eating grin on his face that makes Todd lean up and kiss him without thinking. To his surprise, Charlie doesn’t pull away.

Todd’s never kissed anyone before. He’s sure he’s doing a terrible job, but Charlie doesn’t seem to mind. Infact, he deepens the kiss and Todd lets out an involuntary moan when Charlie’s tongue slides into his mouth. He’s too drunk to feel embarrassed by it. He’s too drunk to feel embarrassed when his hips roll up into Charlie’s crotch and the other man lets out a gasp of pleasure, he’s too drunk to feel embarrassed when Charlie’s hands start to wonder south and ends up unzipping Todd’s trousers; Todd moaning obscenely as he does so.

Losing your virginity was supposed to be a big deal, so Todd thought. But he loses it on the floor of his new apartment, to his roommate and best friend, who’s gentle with him the whole time, checking that he’s okay and comfortable. Todd learns he’d prefer to be the one giving than receiving as he aches all over, and he doesn’t complain when Charlie carries him to his room and lies him down on his bed because he’s so out of it he doesn’t know what to do with himself. He’s surprised Charlie can even carry him with how drunk he is as well, but he manages. He redresses Todd into some pyjamas, and he goes to leave the room but Todd grabs his hand and looks up at him tearfully, begging him to stay. Charlie understands and lies down beside him in his bed, running a hand through Todd’s hair as he cries.

He feels dirty, inside and out, and he should probably go and have a shower but he feels so rancid that he doesn’t want to move. His body hurts, his stomach is churning from the alcohol he’s consumed, and his head is spinning and all he can think to do is cry. He feels guilty. Charlie’s lying here, comforting him as if they haven’t just had sex with one another, and Todd’s in the midst of a breakdown because of it. He wishes it had been Neil. It was supposed to be with Neil, but he was dead and he had been for almost two years. Todd shudders as another bout of nausea hits him, making him feel even more dirty as if that were physically possible. Boys weren’t supposed to do that with other boys, and if his parents knew he’d be killed. No one could know about this. This was between him and Charlie.

Charles James Dalton

December 1963, New York

The light cascading through the curtains and a cold breeze brushing past Charlie’s shoulder is what wakes him up. It takes a moment for him to feel less disoriented, and once he does, he places a soft kiss to Knox’s shoulder— which rouses him from his sleep as well. Charlie grins to him, and Knox frowns tiredly before asking what the time is.

“It’s eight thirty four.” Charlie responds before Knox leans up and pecks his lips, making him grin.” You have two hours until you have to go see Noah.”

“I’ll make breakfast?” Knox suggests, and Charlie nods before he leans down and places another gentle kiss on Knox’s lips. Knox grins into it and it’s fond…Charlie has to remind himself that they’re just having meaningless sex. And sharing a bed. And cuddling whilst they sleep. And kissing whenever they can. Essentially, he has to remind himself that at the end of the day it doesn’t mean anything. He shouldn’t get too attached to the idea of finally being with the man he’s had a crush on since the tenth grade.

Knox pulls back the comforter and climbs out of bed, shivering slightly against the cold as he pulls on some pyjama pants and one of Charlie’s sweaters, and Charlie just admires the view before he also gets out of bed and gets clothed. The two head into the main living space, Charlie winding Knox up and laughing as Knox grabs a frying pan and some eggs. Charlie grins as he watches him cook, and then he spots movement from the couch.

“Holy shit I think Todd had a booty call last night.” Charlie whispers to Knox, who glances over at the couch. All they can see is the shape of a person under the blanket, and tufts of brunette hair sticking out of one end.

“If he had a booty call last night, why’s he on the couch?” Knox asks and Charlie immediately responds with,” oh Todd’ll get weird after sex he probably didn’t wanna deal with that and opted for the couch.”

“How do you know what Todd gets like after sex?” Knox asks and Charlie feels himself flush. No one else was supposed to know about that. That was for him and Todd only. Knox raises an eyebrow but before Charlie can say anything, the person on the couch lets out a slight whine before he stirs.

Only one person Charlie knew would wake up like that. He knew from countless sleepovers they’d have as kids, Neil Perry always let out a little whine before he woke up, and if he was irritated at the thought of being awake. Charlie feels his blood run cold as he looks back over at the couch at where a very alive Neil Perry is sitting up and drinking a glass of water that was on the coffee table.

Naturally, Charlie knew this day would come. The day where he’d see Neil again. But he didn’t want it to be so soon, it had only been a week since Todd had broken the news that Neil was alive, and Charlie is so angry that he wanted to wait until his anger had subsided because he knows he’ll be an asshole to Neil. It’s like looking at a ghost as the two watch Neil slide on his glasses, and then Charlie realises he’s wearing a pair of his pyjama pants. Hes trembling from the lack of shirt, so he wraps the blanket around his body, and then he stands up; freezing in his tracks when he notices Charlie and Knox watching him.

“Good morning.” He greets, voice raspy from sleep, and that’s when Charlie sees red.

Neil Thomas Keating

December 1963, New York

It happens in the blink of an eye. One second Neil is standing there, blanket wrapped around him, excited to see his friends are in the room, and the next; Charlie’s pinned him up against the wall and is screaming at him. He’s so angry, and Neil looks at him the way a small child would when he’s being scolded, so full of fear that he doesn’t know what to do with himself. Knox is trying to drag Charlie away from him, and Neil notices Charlie flexing and un-flexing his fist as if he’s trying to stop himself from punching him.

“You don’t get to be here right now!” Charlie screams.” You can’t just waltz back into our lives like nothing happened!”

“Todd invited me here.” Neil squeaks out and that seems to make Charlie even more angry as he barks out,” I don’t even want you anywhere near him after what you did! You weren’t there to pick up the broken pieces, you don’t get to come in here and act like we’re your friends after this! You broke Todd…you broke me but I had to put that aside because you broke Todd so badly I worried he was going to copy you!”

“I’m sorry.” Neil breathes out, feeling tears in his eyes and then his gaze lands just over Charlie’s shoulder, at a photo of himself on the mantelpiece. His breathing hitches and Charlie follows his line of sight, and that somehow makes him more mad, which is a shock because he’s already pretty angry.

“You don’t get to look over there. You shouldn’t even be here!” Charlie snaps and Neil looks back at him.” You have no idea what hell you’ve put us through-

“I’m starting to understand.” Neil says and Charlie goes to yell something else before he’s cut off by Todd’s bedroom door opening and the blonde walking out in his pyjamas and robe. His hair is sticking up from sleep and his eyes show that he’s still half asleep, and Neil would find it cute if it wasn’t for the current situation.

In a flash, Charlie’s let go of Neil and has started on Todd, grabbing him harshly by the shoulders and shaking him as he yells. His voice is tearful this time, and it breaks Neil’s heart to hear it. Knox is still trying to get Charlie to let go, but he just shrugs the brunette away and Knox resigns himself to the couch with his head in his hands, not looking over at Neil.

“What were you thinking, bringing him here?” Charlie screams at Todd, who’s wincing in pain as Charlie’s grip on him tightens.

“I think that you’re hurting me and you need to calm down!” Todd responds, voice slightly deeper from sleep and Neil has to fight down the attraction that stirs in his gut.

Suddenly, Charlie lets go of Todd, as if he’s had a sudden realisation of where he is and what he’s doing. He folds his arms across his chest and lowers his head, chewing at his bottom lip something fierce, something Neil knew he did when he was close to tears. Guilt begins to eat away at Neil.

“You…had no right to bring him here without telling me first.” Charlie admits around the lump in his throat. Todd immediately pulls him into a hug and that’s what allows for Charlie’s tears to fall. Charlie hated crying infront of people. He and Todd were clearly closer than Neil realised. Charlie only ever used to cry infront of Neil.

“I’m sorry.” Todd apologises in a soft whisper, rubbing Charlie’s back as he’s wracked with sudden sobs. Knox is over to them immediately, standing beside Todd and stroking Charlie’s hair. Neil just watches awkwardly as his oldest friend sobs because of something he did. He’d never made Charlie cry before. He feels awful.

“Do you want me to stay here with you? I can postpone with Noah.” Knox suggests quietly and Charlie shakes his head.” Come on, we know you can’t cope when you’re in this state.”

“I’ll take care of him, Knox. You visit your son.” Todd says and that surprises Neil. Knox had a son. One of his best friends had a child and he didn’t even know about it.

“I don’t need taking care of I’m not a baby!” Charlie snaps, and then he wriggles out of their grasps and storms off to his room. Todd and Knox look at one another, and then Todd looks at Neil; Knox still refusing to look at him.

“I’m sorry about that.” Todd apologises on Charlie’s behalf.” He’s…he didn’t cope well when we thought you’d died.”

“No I’m sorry, it was too soon for me to be back in his life.” Neil responds, and then he remembers he needs to go to work. He doesn’t know what the time is.” I gotta go, Todd. I’ve got work, do you know what the time is?”

“It’s ten to nine.” Knox mumbles and Neil feels panic wash over him. He’s late for work. He’s incredibly late for work.

“Fuck!” He curses, taking Knox by so much surprise he looks up at him in shock.” Fuck, fuck! I was supposed to be at work almost two hours ago! Shit! Can I use your phone?”

“Go ahead.” Todd responds, and he and Knox watch as Neil rushes over to the phone. He calls the restaurant and lies, telling them he’s sick and he forgot to call because his medication is making him woozy. They seem to buy it and then he lets out a sigh of relief before he spots the other two watching him.

“I should probably go.” He says, grabbing his clothes from where he’d folded them in a pile on the floor.

“He’ll calm down soon. You might be able to talk to him properly once he’s calmed down.” Todd suggests and then Knox adds,” yeah, I was just getting ready to make breakfast when you woke up. You could bring him his as a peace offering? You know how he gets about his food.”

“Sure.” Neil says and Knox heads back over to where he’d been preparing breakfast.

Neil and Todd watch as Knox cooks, and then suddenly, Todd’s linked his arms through Neil’s and is resting his head on his shoulder. Neil smiles and rests his head on Todd’s, Knox in his own world as he cooks. The smell of bacon and eggs wafts from the pan and Neil’s stomach clenches in hunger. Knox places Charlie’s breakfast onto a tray, and then turns to Neil, holding it out and then giving Todd a look that makes him let go of the brunettes arm and duck his head shyly. Neil takes the tray from Knox and then looks over at Charlie’s bedroom door.

“Good luck.” Knox says and Neil sighs before he knocks on the door. Knox grins and then calls out,” Charlie, food!”

“Come in.” Comes Charlie’s voice from the other side of the door, sounding quiet and vulnerable. Neil sighs yet again and then he opens the door to be greeted with Charlie facing away from him, lying on his bed and playing with his blanket. He looks over his shoulder and spots Neil, and then he rolls his eyes.” Get out.”

“Please just hear me out for five minutes.” Neil states and Charlie goes to say something before Neil cuts over him.” Charlie…please.”

“I don’t owe you shit, I hope you know that.” Charlie responds and Neil just remains in the doorway, holding the tray of food. Charlie glares at him and then says,” you got five minutes.”

Neil smiles and then shuffles into the room, closing the door and passing Charlie his food. He sits up and takes the tray, and then gestures for Neil to sit down on the edge of the bed, which he does. They sit quietly for a moment whilst Charlie eats some of his eggs, and then he glares up at Neil as if to tell him to talk.

“I’m-

“If you say you’re sorry I’m gonna pelt this food at your head!” Charlie snaps and Neil closes his mouth. The other boy goes back to his food, and then glares to Neil again.

“Were you serious when you said you don’t want me anywhere near Todd?” Neil asks and Charlie nods immediately, not even giving the question a thought. Neil’s heart sinks in his chest and he feels a lump beginning to form in his throat.

It was an entirely different attitude to the one Charlie held when they were in school. Charlie was the only one who knew about not only Neil’s attraction to men, but his attraction to Todd. Back then, he’d constantly encouraged Neil to make a move, but now he just looks bitter and angry about the subject.

“You don’t know Todd.” Charlie begins, as if he can already tell what Neil is thinking. He probably did. They could always read eachother well.” You don’t know how he was when we thought you’d died, you haven’t been there when he’s been at his lowest. I was lucky we ended up going to the same school when I was kicked out of Welton and he decided to leave. He’s my best friend, Neil, and I’m probably a little too protective over him; but you haven’t seen him deprive himself of joy over and over again.

“He hates himself for being a fairy, he’s not like you or me. I’ve tried to get him out into the New York gay nightlife but he just won’t budge.” Charlie explains and Neil sits quietly and listens.” You weren’t the one who he cried to night after night because he felt so alone, or who tried to hold him together like a broken vase. You haven’t seen him at his most vulnerable. You weren’t the one who he lost his virginity to, or who held him as he cried from shame afterwards or-

“Wait what?” Neil asks and Charlie flushes, as if he’s admitted to something he wasn’t supposed to.” You…and Todd?”

“It was only the once, we’re not really supposed to talk about it.” Charlie rushes out and Neil frowns.

“So you just betrayed his trust?” Neil responds and Charlie snaps out a,” I didn’t mean to-

“Yeah some best friend you are-

“You don’t get to say that!” Charlie yells and Neil rolls his eyes.” Don’t roll your eyes at me, Neil! You left me for four years! You left me! Todd may not hate you because he’s blinded by this childish love he has for you but I sure hate you. You are the worst friend in the world!”

“Fuck you.” Neil cries, getting off of the bed and storming out of the room. Knox and Todd are sat on the couch eating their food and talking, and their conversation dies the moment Neil bursts out of Charlie’s room. They look over at him, and Todd immediately spots the tears on Neil’s cheeks.

Todd Alexander Anderson

December 1963, New York

It’s quiet for a moment when Neil heads into Charlie’s room with his breakfast. The door closes, and Todd grabs his own food before sitting down on the couch, eventually being joined by Knox. The brunette opens his mouth as if to say something, but he closes it pretty quickly. Todd glances to him, and he lets out a sigh.

“I’ve got a really personal question to ask you.” Knox begins, and that panics Todd a little bit. He hates really personal questions.” This is just based off of something Charlie let slip this morning but did you two…did you two have sex?”

Todd freezes slightly. They’d never spoken of it, not properly. It had happened and that was that. They were eighteen, lonely, drunk and stupid and it had made Todd feel so rotten it almost put him off of having sex entirely. He’d not been with anyone since and he didn’t really plan to. He’d glances to Knox, who just nods as if that’s confirmation enough, and then Todd lets out a sign.

“It was graduation, we were drunk.” He explains and Knox just says,” you don’t have to explain anything to me, okay? I just…he mentioned something about the way you get after sex and it just threw me off that’s all.”

“He mentioned how I get after sex?” Todd asks and Knox nods, and a small bit of anger flashes in Todd’s chest. It was his lowest, and Charlie had mentioned it without even thinking about it.” If you must know, it felt like my skin was on fire and every emotion one can possibly feel hit me all at once like a truck and I was basically in a lot of pain and in a catatonic state afterwards. Charlie held me as I cried from guilt.”

“You didn’t need to tell me, honest.” Knox says and before Todd can say anything else, they hear yelling through the closed door.

“So you just betrayed his trust?” Neil.

” I didn’t mean to-“ Charlie

“Yeah some best friend you are-“ Neil

“You don’t get to say that! Don’t roll your eyes at me, Neil! You left me for four years! You left me! Todd may not hate you because he’s blinded by this childish love he has for you but I sure hate you. You are the worst friend in the world!” Charlie. Knox and Todd sit slightly gobsmacked at what he’s just said but then the door opens as Neil chokes out a broken, “Fuck you.”

He slams the door behind him and scrambles to get his clothes from the floor. Todd watches him, watches as the tears slowly fall down his cheeks, and then Neil disappears into the bathroom. Knox takes his and Todd’s plates and heads to the kitchen area, and Todd stands up off the couch as Neil emerges from the bathroom, fully clothed and clutching Charlie’s pyjamas.

“Thanks for letting me stay, I have to go now.” He states, his voice tearful and his eyes misty. He gulps back his tears and heads for the door, and Todd goes to follow him but Neil just says,” no, stay here. I’ll see you tomorrow for rehearsal anyway.”

“Okay.” Todd says, his voice a little quiet. Neil manages a small smile, and then he shakily waves to Knox before he takes off down the stairs. Todd closes the front door and then stands in silent confusion.” What the fuck just happened?”

Chapter Text

Todd Alexander Anderson

December 1963, New York

“We have some bad news.” Peter begins. The cast are all squished into a corner of the rehearsal space, some in chairs, others on the floor, all dressed in comfortable clothing. Todd and the other crew members are either stood or seated behind Peter, and he runs a hand through his brown hair before he says,” unfortunately, Lisa, the girl playing Sibyl had to drop out due to family circumstances so there will be no rehearsal today so we can allow for us to find a replacement. Sorry everyone!”

Loud groans ring through the crowd, and Peter pinches the bridge of his nose before he turns to his crew and shrugs. Todd chuckles slightly and Peter rolls his eyes at him playfully before George rushes over to him, immediately pelting him with questions to do about casting and how they should appropriately cast Sibyl this time. Todd just packs away his script and notepad into his satchel, and then makes to leave before he’s joined by Neil. They haven’t spoken since the whole Charlie fiasco yesterday. Even Charlie isn’t speaking to him, which hurts because he cares deeply for him.

“Wanna get some coffee?” Neil asks and Todd grins before he responds with,” I don’t know, I gotta help Knox and Charlie with apartment hunting and seeing as rehearsals have been postponed I’m sure they’ll appreciate us starting early.”

Neil’s brow furrows and Todd just smiles to him, going to head off home before Neil calls out his name again, sounding slightly desperate. Todd looks to him once more and he’s shrunk in on himself, making himself look small. He hates it when Neil does that.

“I need to talk to you about yesterday and…and about when it’s appropriate for me to see our other friends.” Neil explains and Todd thinks it over. He supposes Charlie and Knox aren’t expecting him back anytime soon, and so he agrees to grab some coffee with Neil.

They go to their usual place, ordering their coffees and sitting in the back corner together like they usually do. It feels weird having a regular coffee spot with Neil. Todd supposes he should try and cut down on caffeine.

It’s not particularly busy as most people are at work at this time of day, but sometimes being alone with Neil at a table for two sets off some paranoia in Todd’s head. He knows it’s because he’s still very much in love with him, and that worries him because he’s not a subtle person. He wears his emotions very clearly on his face. It wouldn’t take long for someone to piece together his attraction for the man infront of him.

“I’m sorry about yesterday.” Neil begins and Todd just sips on his latte.” It’s just…I get Charlie being mad at me, I do, he’s allowed but…he was talking about you losing your virginity to him which had nothing to do with the conversation and it felt like he was trying to make me jealous in some twisted way.”

“He told Knox that morning too.” Todd sighs, disappointment flicking in his chest. He loves Charlie, of course he does, but he isn’t liking what Neil’s return is turning him into.” We were eighteen and drunk, and it was probably one of the lowest moments of my life because I cried afterwards because I felt guilty and dirty and angry.”

“You don’t owe me an explanation.” Neil tells him and Todd just shrugs.” He just kept going on about how he’s your best friend and he’s protective of you but then he betrayed your trust and…best friends aren’t supposed to do that.”

“That’s just Charlie.” Todd states with another shrug and Neil gulps down his flat white.” You should know how his brain works better than me you’ve known him since time began.”

“And that’s probably why I’m so angry with him because I know how good of a friend he can be. He never aired any of my shit to anyone but…he’s so mad at me right now he’s trying to hurt me anyway he can.” Neil explains and then he sags slightly in his seat, lowering his voice a little.” Look, I’m not jealous that you slept with Charlie, alright? It’s better than how I lost my virginity. At least you knew the guy.”

“Charlie’ll come around.” Todd says, not entirely comfortable with talking so openly in public about his practically nonexistent sex life.” We’ve just gotta give him some time, he’ll calm down, okay?”

“I don’t know when I should see everyone else.” Neil admits and he fiddles with his coffee cup, his eyes a little sad.” I don’t think I can handle everyone being so mad at me.”

“We all spend Christmas together.” Todd begins, and Neil glances up at him. It’s now his turn to fiddle with his coffee cup anxiously before he continues.” It’ll probably be better to see everyone in a group setting, that way there can be no arguments. I’m…I’m asking you to spend Christmas with us because…I never got to spend it with you.”

“We can host. Keating and I. He can be like a mediator incase something happens.” Neil suggests and Todd nods in agreement, that’s a perfect idea. He’ll discuss it with the other poets but he knows they won’t decline. Well, he knows most of them won’t decline. As if he can tell what Todd is thinking, Neil adds,” Charlie doesn’t have to come if he doesn’t want to.”

“I’ll try and convince him. Mr Keating being there might be why he goes.” Todd shrugs. Neil grins and the two continue to drink their coffees.

They each end up getting a cake, and getting coffee together soon turns into taking a walk through Central Park. Neil laughs as Todd recounts the year Pitt’s got so drunk at their Christmas celebration that he passed out in the bath tub with a lampshade on his head. Neil’s laugh is like music to Todd’s ears and his heart thrums with affection in his chest. He shudders a little against the cold as they stand and talk by a tall oak tree, and Neil takes off his scarf and wraps it around Todd’s neck. His hand lingers for a second and they’re stood so close together that Todd can see Neil’s breath in the air. He grins to the brunette, who winks back before they decide to continue walking.

“You know who should try out for Sibyl?” Neil asks as they get closer to approaching Todd’s apartment. Todd shakes his head.” Ginny Danbury, if you’re still in contact with her.”

Were they in contact with Ginny Danbury? Of course they were, but they weren’t particularly close anymore. She was still best friends with Chris, but she and Charlie had dated for just over a year. Chris had settled with Knox, and so Charlie had decided to be with Ginny. He really seemed to have loved her, but Todd could see their breakup coming from a mile away. Charlie wasn’t the easiest person to be with. He was hyperactive and rarely took anything seriously, and he didn’t want to settle down, not yet. Ginny wanted a house and a husband and some children, especially after Chris and Knox had had Noah. But Charlie wasn’t ready for that. Todd partially felt responsible. Charlie didn’t want Todd to be alone. And so, Ginny had broke it off, and Charlie secluded himself in his room for a week before he decided he was going to go out to some bars and try and get over it.

“I could ask her I suppose.” Todd responds and Neil quickly says,” give me her number, I’ll call her.”

“Are you sure?” Todd asks and Neil scrambles to get out a small slip of paper and a pen out of his bag. He passes them to Todd, who takes it and writes the number down before handing it over to Neil. He pockets it happily and Todd can’t help but chuckle.

They eventually arrive at the laundrette below Todd’s apartment. He and Neil hug goodbye before he heads inside, the key jamming in the lock yet again. He strolls in to find Knox sweeping glass off of the floor and Charlie holding a bloody paper towel over his hand. The photo of Neil that sits atop the mantelpiece is on the coffee table, the glass in the frame gone.

“What did you do?” Todd asks, a little angry. Charlie scoffs out a,” it’s not like you need it. You see him practically everyday.”

“It was a gift from Meeks!” Todd snaps back and Charlie just shrugs. The anger subsides slightly as the brunette stares down at his hand and Todd kneels down infront of him.” Let me see.”

They’re only twenty minutes late for their apartment viewing once the glass is cleared up and Todd’s patched up Charlie’s hand. The first one is in Brooklyn, and it’s a nice three bedroom apartment, with a living room that’s separate to the kitchen, and two bathrooms. It’s nice. The location isn’t perfect, they want something in Manhattan.

Neil Thomas Keating

December 1963, New York

Neil stands at the place Ginny had told him to meet her. On the corner of sixth Avenue. He shivers slightly against the cold. He’d called Ginny immediately after Todd had given him her number on a pay phone a block from the Anderson-Dalton-Overstreet apartment. She hadn’t sounded too surprised to hear him, Todd had clearly informed everyone of his rising from the dead, but as she approaches him now, bundled up in a green pea coat and a grey hat, she gets the same look of just seeing a ghost that everyone gets the first time they see him.

“Oh my it really is you, Perry!” She says, pulling him into a hug. He chuckles a little before saying,” it’s Keating now.”

“Right, I remember Todd saying!” Ginny says and they pull out of the hug, her hands remaining on his shoulders as she examines him. Neil suddenly feels self conscious.” You’re still as handsome as ever. You seem happier, wouldn’t have pegged you for a beatnik though.”

“Oh please, that whole group of us are beatniks even if they’re pretending not to be.” Neil laughs and then Ginny links their arms as they begin to walk down the street, snow starting to fall.” So, how’ve you been?”

“I’m good. I’m on a dance course at Juilliard.”  Ginny responds and Neil gasps out a,” you’re at Juilliard? Oh my god I’m so pleased for you.”

“Thank you, it’s really fun.” Ginny chuckles.” At first I wanted to settle down but…the relationship didn’t work out so I decided I was going to work on myself. My parents have Chet as their superstar, I don’t need to have a flashy job. I’m doing what I love.”

“I’m sorry about the relationship not working out.” Neil says and Ginny flushes slightly.

“Yeah, dating Charles Dalton is certainly an experience.” She says and then she cringes slightly.” No that was mean. He’s such a sweetheart, he’s got a heart of gold and I love him dearly but…we wanted different things.”

“He’s not my biggest fan at the moment.” Neil admits as they begin to approach a half empty restaurant. Ginny eyes the menu and Neil shivers against the cold.

“He’ll calm down soon enough.” Ginny states and Neil just chuckles out a,” yeah, that’s what Todd keeps saying.”

“It’s true. He won’t remain angry for long. That’s not how his brain ticks, something’ll distract him soon enough.” She assures him and then she goes back to studying the menu.” Oh look at this, Neil, it’s a pizza place.”

“I could do pizza.” Neil says and the two head inside.

The warmth hits them immediately upon entry, and they de-bundle themselves as they sit down. They order, Neil gets them a bottle of wine, and they catch up on their lives. Ginny’s impressed to find out about Neil’s stint in the London acting scene, and Neil beams with pride as Ginny tells him all about Juilliard. It’s nice. It’s easy. Neil hadn’t  known Ginny all that well when they were in A Midsummer Night’s Dream together, but he remembers that they’d always had fun in rehearsals. She was a funny girl, and he really feels as though Charlie had lost a good one.

“I’ve got a question for you.” Neil begins as they begin their walk back to Ginny’s apartment. She glances up at him, cheeks rosey from the cold, a small smile on her face.” Todd’s adapting a play version of the Picture Of Dorian Grey at the Hamilton Arts Center. We just lost our Sibyl, and we really want you to play her.”

“Me? Why?” Ginny asks and Neil feels slightly bashful as he replies with,” you’re the best actress I know.”

“Hmmm, maybe I’ll do it.” Ginny responds as they stand outside her apartment, not caring about the light dusting of snow falling on them. She looks up at Neil and he smiles to her.

“Stop by rehearsal on Wednesday, could be fun.” He tells her and she grins.

That’s when she leans up on her tiptoes, hands finding their way to the collar of Neil’s coat. He pulls away almost immediately and Ginny lets go of him, looking confused at first before she starts blurting out apologies.

“No no it’s okay, it’s okay.” Neil says at the same time Ginny says,” I read the signal wrong I’m sorry!”

“No you’re a great girl, Ginny, truly it’s just…if Charlie wasn’t the right fit for you, i definitely am the worst of the worst.” Neil admits and Ginny gives him a puzzled look.”

I’m…I’m a…a queer.”

“Oh.” Ginny says but it doesn’t sound judgemental. Wow. Neil really had surrounded himself with good people back when he was a teenager.” Oh I’m such a fucking idiot, that’s so obvious.”

“It’s obvious?” Neil asks. It’s his turn to be confused. Ginny laughs, nodding before she says,” Charlie would talk about how close you and Todd were, and so it makes perfect sense that you’re a queer. You love Todd.”

“Yeah… I guess I do.” Neil says sheepishly and Ginny grins even wider as she adds,” he loves you too, by the way. I know he’s a queer. I know he’s in love with you from the way he talks about you. I’d say make a move.”

“I tried. I know he loves me he just…doesn’t think we’re ready for any progress in our relationship from being anything other than just friends.” Neil explains, and Ginny sighs.” He doesn’t think we know one another anymore.”

“That may be true but part of the fun of dating someone is getting to know them. I didn’t know Charlie all that well at first and I can still say that I still love him. We may not be together anymore but I still very much love who he is.” Ginny explains and Neil hates that she’s hit him with logic. He grins at her.” I say go up to that boy and kiss him. Lay your heart out on the line, let him know that you know who he is and are willing to know more.”

“You might be one of my favourite people on earth!” Neil laughs as he pulls Ginny into a hug that she immediately returns.

“Sounded like you needed a wingwoman.” She states, and the two laugh loudly, causing some people to look over at them.” He just sounds scared to me.”

“He thinks I’m so in touch with being a homosexual, but it scares me just as much as it does him.” Neil admits, remembering the times he’s had to run out of bars because the police had raided them, remembering the times where some of his associates had been either beaten to death or beaten so badly they’d been hospitalised. It wasn’t an easy life, but it was what made Neil who he was.

Todd Alexander Anderson

December 1963, New York

Having Ginny play Sibyl might’ve been Neil’s best idea yet. They work well together onstage, and Todd watches as the pair pack up their bags to head home, both of them laughing loudly. Unfortunately, he couldn’t leave yet. He and Peter still had notes to go over.

“I got us some pizza, it’s on its way.” Peter explains with a slightly shy smile as he and Todd wait for everyone to leave. Todd felt lucky to have found this theatre company. Everyone was so welcoming to him, especially Peter, who encouraged almost every idea Todd had. He’d immediately accepted Ginny as Sibyl, trusting Todd’s word instead of auditioning her, which pissed George off.

Peter was headstrong and incredibly confident, yet he had no arrogant bone in his body. Todd had taken to him immediately, every rehearsal or meeting flying by because he was genuinely a funny person. Todd enjoyed his company, and he was glad that Peter seemed to enjoy his too.

“How’d the apartment hunting go?” Peter asks, remembering their previous conversation they’d had on the phone yesterday afternoon. Todd grins.

“We think we’ve found the perfect place. It’s about a block away from Wall Street so it’s really accessible for Charlie’s job, and it’s so spacious.” Todd explains and Peter watches him intently with a small smile on his face.” Honestly, there’s so much space that I don’t think we’ll know what to do with it.”

The pair chuckle as they’re approached by a stern looking Neil, who forces his stern-ness into a smile as he says,” Hey, i spoke to John, he’s totally up for Christmas at ours.”

“That’s perfect because the boys are totally up for it as well.” Todd says, ignoring the way Neil sizes up Peter, who just stands quietly with his smile remaining on his face. Neil was acting weird, even Ginny can tell as she stands beside him, eyebrow slightly raised as she watches him.

“Even Charlie?” Neil asks and Todd gives him a small nod as he responds with,” even Charlie. He wants to catch up with Keating.”

“Is his anger going away?” Neil asks, tone completely vulnerable. Honestly? Todd couldn’t say for sure. Charlie could be so unpredictable at times. But, he doesn’t want to crush Neil’s spirits, so he just replies simply with,” I think so. It’s starting to, anyway.”

Neil thanks him, and then pulls him into a quick hug; giving a pointed look to Peter, who just smiles. Ginny also gives Todd a huge before she follows Neil out, and then Peter disappears to get their pizza before they can go over their notes.

They plan some staging and write out their notes for only an hour before the conversation derails. Peter asks about him

and Neil, Todd doesn’t tell him the whole truth. He tells him about the dead poets, and the play, but he says Neil moved away and doesn’t mention the fake death or that he’s in love with the other man. The pizza’s long gone by the time they’re packing up to leave, and in that time he’s learnt that Peter is the youngest of seven, and that he’d lost two of his older brothers in the Second World War. He understood grief in a similar way to Todd, and the two really had made a genuine connection. He wasn’t bad looking. He had a strong jawline and high cheekbones similar to Neil, he wore tortoise shell glasses and his dark hair fell in soft ringlets that sat like a halo around his head. His green eyes shone in the moonlight, and he smiled almost all the time. His smile was crooked and cheeky and almost anyone could fall for his charm. It wasn’t a surprise that Todd sort of had.

“Do you want to grab dinner sometime?” Peter asks as Todd’s slipping on his coat.” I know it can never be an official date but I know this hidden queer run spot down in SoHo and I think you’ll like it?”

Todd stares at him for a moment, weighing up his options. He’d never been on a date before, no guy had really been interested him before except for Neil, and part of him wants to let that go, start afresh. Have Neil as a friend, his best friend, but allow his heart to open to someone else whilst his brain and ego would not allow Neil in the way he wants. Plus, Charlie was desperate for him to not only meet someone, but to explore the little hidden homosexual spots in New York.

“Sure.” Todd replies, and Peter flashes his grin at him once more.

“How’s tomorrow night?” He asks as they head out together, locking up the rehearsal studio.

“Tomorrow’s perfect.” Todd responds, smiling back as Peter writes down an address onto a small slip of paper before he hands it to the blonde, who takes it and pockets it. They hug briefly in departure, and then head off in their separate directions.

A date. He was going on a date. With someone who was actually interested in him, and who he was interested in as well. He wasn’t Neil, he wasn’t ever going to be Neil, but Todd wanted to try and leave that behind, in his past. He knows, deep down, that that’ll never happen. His heart belongs to Neil Perry and it always will. Charlie’s over the moon when he arrives back to their packed up apartment; ready to move in a few days time, and Knox gets out some beers to celebrate. Todd Anderson was finally going to be off the market, even if it wasn’t public knowledge.

___

Charlie had helped dress him for the date. He’s stood on the metro in dark brown dress pants that are far too nice for the dirty carriage, and he’s got a cream shirt on paired with a red tie and a black dinner jacket. His hair is gelled the way it had been the night of the play all those years ago, except it’s slightly longer so it sits a little different. He’s holding a small bouquet of roses, and he finds his way to the address that Peter had written down.

Waiting outside of a building that is hidden down a dingy alleyway, he finds Peter waiting for him, smoking a cigarette. He’s dressed more casual than Todd is, and that makes him feel a little self conscious. His old friend anxiety is rearing its ugly head and he doesn’t like it one bit. Peter’s in a tartan green and red shirt paired with a light blue sweater and some jeans. He grins when he spots Todd approaching and he stomps out his cigarette.

“You look nice.” He compliments, making Todd flush. He makes sure no one is nearby before he says to Peter,” these are for you” and hands him the flowers.

“Oh these are lovely, thank you. I’m more of a daisy guy but I don’t mind roses.” Peter says as he gratefully accepts the bouquet. Neil likes roses, he must’ve chose them subconsciously.  He blushes again, and he tries to internally shake off the ugly beast that’s trying to pry into him. He wasn’t a teenager anymore. He had his anxiety in check.

Peter holds the door open for him and Todd gets a glimpse of a small bistro inside. It’s dimly lit by candlelight, and isn’t very busy, but instead of heading to a table, they head down some stairs and past the toilets to a second staircase. There, Peter says the numbers seven, one and twenty five; and the guy steps aside, allowing them down the second flight of stairs into a small speakeasy that’s slowly filling up with people. It’s dimly lit down here, as well, but they have a jazz band playing on a small stage by the bar, and Peter takes Todd’s hand. He flinches slightly, and Peter reassures him that he’s safe down here. Todd takes his hand and follows him to a table.

“We should get out of here by midnight. Sometimes there’s raids and I don’t want you to have to experience that.” Peter comments off handedly like it’s nothing but it sparks some more anxiety in Todd’s chest. He battles it down, hoping he’s got a good poker face, and then he takes a look at the menu.

There’s not much to eat, it’s mostly little h’dourves. There’s an extensive drinks menu, and he slips his ID out of his wallet as a waiter saunters past to take their order. Peter gets an espresso martini with Brie with bacon plum jelly. Todd goes for a simple whiskey on the rocks with sweet pea pesto served on some toast and also asparagus wraps. He thought they were going for dinner. He’s starving.

One drink turns into two which turns into three, and Todd’s feeling a little more buzzed an hour in. The lack of food means he’s getting drunk quicker, so he grabs some more h’dourves; though it doesn’t do much. He relaxes a bit more, placing his hand atop Peter’s as they talk. He learns Peter went to a normal school in midtown, he’s New York born and bred; raised in Brooklyn. Todd tells him about Balincrest and Welton, about growing up in Vermont, about his family and how he doesn’t really talk to them. He ends up talking briefly about his lavender paper, but then he has another whiskey and they change subject entirely, talking about the poets. He doesn’t mention the feelings for Neil that he’s harbouring. It’s easy with Peter, the alcohol is helping him not freak out, and the two end up dancing to the jazz music together; chest to chest.

Todd is sure Peter can feel his heart hammering in his chest, but he just smiles as if he can’t sense Todd’s nerves. They sway together, Peter’s a few inches taller, and it feels right. Being with him in this moment feels right, but Todd can’t help the thoughts of Neil that nag in the back of his mind. He pushes them away as they have one more drink, and then head out into the night. Their hands brush as they walk down the street, grinning and giddy and drunk. They grab a slice of pizza each from a deli, and then Peter offers for Todd to come back to his.

He doesn’t turn him down. He takes the metro with him, walks through Brooklyn with him, all the way to his studio apartment. The place is like a huge library, with stacks of books and scripts stacked about the place, the desk and dining table covered in stacks of paper. He has red tartan bedsheets, accompanied by a soft looking red blanket. The sheets aren’t made properly, and the whole apartment screams of coziness. Todd creeps in, slipping off his shoes and jacket, and then suddenly Peter’s hand is on his waist and he’s pulling him in.

“Is this alright?” He asks, and Todd doesn’t give it much thought before he’s nodding and leaning up to kiss him; open mouthed.

Todd had hoped his second time would be better, and it is in some aspects. Peter allows him to have complete control, allows him to be on top, allows him to be as comfortable as he needs. But once it’s over, that familiar shame creeps in. Todd’s stomach churns nastily, and his chest flutters with ugly panic; but he tries to shove it down for Peter’s sake. Peter isn’t Charlie. Peter doesn’t know him fully, yet, doesn’t know how scared this makes him. He just sips the herbal tea Peter had made him and tries to quiet the voice in his head that oddly sounds like his father, that’s telling him how disgusting he is and how much of a disgrace he is.

Once Peter falls asleep, lying on his stomach, his face smushed against his pillow, Todd creeps out of bed and slides his underwear back on; tip toeing to the bathroom. There, he allows himself to panic. His whole body shakes with sobs, his hand covering his mouth so not to make any noise. His whole chest feels as though its on fire, and his eyes are stinging from the tears. And then, he strips his underwear off once more and hops into the shower, scrubbing himself so hard that he’s red raw when he gets back out. He gargles some water to rid of the burning he feels in his throat that he knows is psychological. He doesn’t know how long he’d been in the shower for, but when he re-emerges, back in his underwear with his hair semi-dry, the sun is starting to rise. He collapses in bed beside Peter and tries to allow himself to fall asleep.

It’s mid-afternoon by the time Todd wakes. He’s woken by Peter, who’s made him a cream cheese bagel and has a glass of water in his hand accompanied by some aspirin. Todd sits up and happily takes the food and water. He takes the aspirin right away as the headache already starts to set in, and he hungrily swallows down the bagel. Peter just sits beside him on the bed, smoothing down his hair for him, blonde strands having been sticking up all over the place.

“How’d you sleep?” Peter asks as Todd puts the empty plate and glass on the bed side table. He’s sure Peter isn’t aware of his late night panic shower, and so he just responds with,” I slept well. Your bed is really comfy.”

“It’s a goose feather mattress.” Peter beams.” I figured you went to sleep later than me given the time you woke up.”

“Yeah the sun was rising when I eventually managed to get my head down.” Todd responds, and Peter examines his facial expressions for a moment before he asks,” was everything alright?”

Todd’s slightly taken aback by the question. He didn’t think Peter had been aware that he’d had a mild freak out after their night together, but clearly him staying awake until the sun came up set off warning signals in the other man’s head. He could tell him the truth, but Peter isn’t aware of just how bad Todd’s anxiety can get. He’s aware the man’s got anxiety, but Todd doesn’t want to let it slip that sometimes his anxiety gets so bad he goes mute sometimes, or that he can have panic attacks so bad he passes out. His anxiety hasn’t been as bad as that since he was eighteen, but it’s still not a fun conversation to have, so he lies.

“I’m not really a big drinker, and I hadn’t eaten much beforehand. I felt a bit sick so I waited for the nausea to wear off before I could sleep.” Todd explains, and Peter nods as he takes ahold of his hand.

“I had fun last night.” He says and Todd forces out a,” me too” because he did have fun, he did. Until they’d had sex.

“I’d like to do it again…going out on dates, and stuff.” Peter begins, looking somewhat nervous.” I…I really like you, Todd.”

”We can’t.”

“Why can’t we? We’ve both admitted to having feelings for one another, why can’t we just…kiss?”

“It’s not right.  We’re different people to who we were when we were sixteen, Neil. We don’t know one another that well.”

“I know you, Todd, I do.”

He battles down Neil’s voice in the back of his head, and instead presses a soft kiss on Peter’s lips. He needs to move on, his first love doesn’t always mean his last. He can make himself love Peter just as much as he does Neil, maybe even more.

“I like you, too.” And it’s only half a lie, but the way Peter grins makes it worth it.

It’s early evening when Todd eventually heads off home. They’re supposed to be moving tomorrow, and he’s thrilled about it, because the door jams in the lock yet again and he’s shouldering his way into the shitty apartment above the laundrette, still in his clothes from the night before. Charlie and Knox are sat on the couch, eating noodles, surrounded by boxes. It’s the cleanest the apartment has looked in years.

“Did you get laid?” Charlie asks as Todd takes off his shoes and coat. He furrows his brows at him and then Charlie lets out a gasp.” Oh my god he’s bruised up your neck!”

“He has?” Todd asks. He’d avoided looking at himself at any point, filled with too much shame. Now, though, he looks in the small mirror by the door and spots some bruises just under his jaw. He pokes them and then feels the shame burn.

“Oh I am so proud of you.” Charlie says, but he notices the tears lining Todd’s eyes and he rushes over to him.” Hey, it’s okay, Todd. You haven’t done anything wrong.”

“I know. I know that, logically, but there’s this part of my brain I can’t switch off.” Todd explains, blinking back the tears.” I freaked out after he went to sleep, and then lied and told him I’d just felt sick from the alcohol we’d had but…I think he could tell I was lying. I don’t know. I don’t want him to think I’m a freak considering we’re dating now.”

“You’re dating?” Charlie asks and Todd nods, allowing for him to drag him into a hug.” Oh I am so so proud of you.”

“Why?” Todd asks as Knox joins the hug, sandwiching him between them.

“Because you’re not depriving yourself of things you want.” Charlie states and Todd feels more shame fall over him, but for a different reason this time, because he is depriving himself of the things he wants.

He wants Neil Perry, but he won’t let himself have him.

Neil Thomas Keating

December, 1963, New York

There’s something going on between Todd and Peter, Neil’s sure of it. Something has happened in the two days since the last rehearsal, and Neil’s sure of what it is from the stolen glances, the stupid grins, and how they’re sitting closer than usual. He hates it. He can’t concentrate on the scene he’s doing with Ginny, he keeps messing up his lines, and the tension in the room is a bit overbearing.

“Okay, we can stop there for today.” Peter sighs out, and the cast begin to shuffle to pack their stuff away. Neil puts his script into his bag and sighs, trying to stop this jealously that’s beginning to burn in his stomach. He zips up his duffle and puts on his coat, beret and scarf before he shuffles toward Todd and Peter, catching a glimpse of their conversation.

“I was thinking we could stay in tonight. Grab a pizza on the way back to mine, watch some television.” Peter’s saying quietly, his hand on Todd’s back.

“Yeah I’d like that.” Todd replies, and he moves to put on his scarf, revealing some fading bruises on his neck, just under his jaw. Neil takes a step back, trying to look busy with his bag as Todd heads out of the room, not noticing him.

“Good job today, Neil!” Peter states, once he’s spotted him, and Neil just stares at him.” What?”

“Is something going on between you and Todd?” He asks. He can’t help himself, really. The jealousy is burning so much it’s almost suffocating him with the smoke.

“He hasn’t told you? He said he’d told his friends.” Peter replies, a little confused. Neil’s now as equally confused as he responds with,” told me what?”

“That we’re dating.” Peter says, and it’s so casual, it’s almost like he doesn’t realise what he’s just done to Neil’s heart. A lump forms in Neil’s throat, and he knows it’s only a matter of time before the tears arrive, and so he chokes out a,” oh, no, he didn’t tell me that. He…he must’ve forgot. I need to go. Ginny’s waiting for me outside.”

“Todd’s waiting for me, too. You have a good night.” Peter says, not realising he’s twisting the knife harder, and Neil just nods before he’s staggering out of the rehearsal space.

Ginny’s waiting for him by the door, bundled in her coat and scarf, bag in hand as she’s reading the bulletin board. She glances over to where Neil is beelining for her, and she looks confused as he grabs her hand and drags her out of the building. He needs to get away from this place, he truly does. She’s asking him what’s going on the whole time they’re on the subway, but Neil’s too busy trying not to break down, trying to hold his broken heart back in place.

“Neil, slow down, what’s going on?” Ginny begs as they walk through the bustling Christmas shoppers in Soho.” Neil! Neil, stop! Stop.”

“He’s dating Peter.” Neil says, his voice cracking the same way his heart had as tears begin to spill down his face. Ginny’s expression softens, and she pulls him into a hug.

“I’m so sorry.” She says, rubbing his back soothingly as Neil begins to sob into her shoulder, drawing odd looks from people passing by. Ginny glares daggers at them.” Oh, Neil, I’m so sorry.”

“I need to go home.” He says, wriggling out of the hug. She lets go of him, and leans up to wipe his eyes, which he’s thankful for. He calms himself down, knowing he has to commute back to Larchmont because the only person he wants right now is John.” I’m sorry for this. I need my dad.”

“Okay…that’s okay.” Ginny says, and she hugs him one last time before he heads off to Grand Central Station.

It feels like the longest commute of his life, though he knows it takes the same amount of time as it usually does. His hands are shaky as he drives home from the station, but it’s worth it when he opens the door to be hit with the smell of apple pie and cinnamon. He kicks off his shoes and de-bundles himself from the cold, grateful that John’s school is broken up for winter break. He pads to the kitchen in socked feet, Walt skidding over to him in excitement. Neil briefly pats him on the head before he steps into the kitchen.

“I’m practicing my apple pie for Tuesday. I hope the boys like our Christmas Eve tradition.” John announces and Neil feels the lump return to his throat and he strangles out a,” dad?”

“You’ve not called me that before.” John chuckles before he turns to find his son standing in the doorway, sobbing.” Neil, whatever is the matter?”

He’s over to him in an instant, wrapping him in a hug that allows Neil to sob as loudly as he wants into his shoulder. His entire body is shaking, but John doesn’t seem to mind as he rubs soothing circles onto his back.

“Todd’s dating someone else.” Neil mumbles into John’s shoulder.

“I’m so sorry.” John responds, kissing his forehead softly.” It’s going to be okay, I promise.”

“It won’t! My heart hurts.” Neil sobs.

“It won’t hurt forever, I promise.” John says softly.” It’ll just hurt for a little bit, but things will work out eventually, okay? It’s going to be okay.”

Neil believes him, because he trusts John more than he trusts anyone else. The pair stay hugging in the kitchen so that Neil can calm down, Walt sitting by their feet in a way to comfort him. Once he’s calm, Neil helps with the Apple pie, and John manages to make him laugh by adding a bit too much cinnamon.

Chapter Text

Neil Thomas Perry

Late March, 1949, Vermont

Spring has sprung, and father having a new job means moving to a new house. Neil Perry, a six year old just a tad tall for his age, stares up at his fancy new house in amazement. He’s slightly aware that his father has had to work incredibly hard, especially after the war, to make sure they can live in a house like this; and he just stares at it, taking it in. Mother and father are carrying in boxes from the car, and Neil toddles over to a tree just outside the house. He could put a swing there, he thinks.

“Hello!” Comes a voice that makes Neil jump, and he turns to see a boy who’s an inch or so taller than him, standing by his father’s car. Neil heads over to him and states,” you shouldn’t be by my father’s car.”

“Are you the new neighbours?” The boy asks and he’s dressed in a smart white shirt and grey shorts, his brown hair cropped in a bowl-like hairstyle. He grins, displaying his missing two front teeth, and his cheeks have a light dusting of freckles on them.

“Which house are you?” Neil asks, and the boy looks to his left and points. The houses in the area are quite spread out.

“Ten minutes that way I think.” He responds before looking back to Neil and holding out his hand for a handshake.” I’m Charles. But I prefer Charlie, but no one calls me that.”

“Neil.” Neil replies, shaking the boys sweaty hand. The boy grins again and then asks,” how old are you?”

“I’m six. My birthday was last month.” Replies Neil, and the boy, Charlie, loudly declares,” ha I’m older than you! My birthday was two months ago. I’m six, too!”

“Charles!” Comes the voice of a panicked woman, just as Neil’s father steps out of the house and calls out,” Neil Perry, what did I say about talking to strangers?!”

“It’s my Charles’ fault, he tends to wander off. We live just a few minutes that way, he saw the van pull in as we were walking home from the park. One minute he was there, the next he was gone!” The woman explains as she grabs ahold of the boys arm. He just gives her a cheeky grin in return.

“I’m sorry, mama, but i made a new friend.” Charles responds, pointing to Neil, who waves enthusiastically. Charlie’s mother smiles, but it’s soon wiped off of her face as Neil’s father says,” yes, well, Neil is rather busy. We must be off inside. Come on, Neil.”

“Right, of course, sorry again.” She says, guiding Charles away and down the street as Tom grabs Neil’s arm and drags him inside.

“Don’t ever make friends with that boy!” He warns in a low tone as they step inside the house.

It’s in that moment that Neil decides that Charlie will become his new best friend. It takes exactly a week before he sees Charles Dalton again, but the two boys become attached at the hip when they play in the park, and even more so when they end up at the same school together. Charlie was easily becoming Neil’s favourite person, and they attended each other’s birthday parties, have sleepovers; and soon, two six year olds are now two eleven year olds on their way to Welton Academy. They aren’t roommates unfortunately, but that doesn’t stop them from being best friends. Soon their group expands to include Gerard Pitts, who brings along his roommate Stephen Meeks, who’s friends with Richard Cameron. Knox Overstreet joins the school when he’s thirteen, and he immediately clicks with Charlie, and that’s their group formed. The magnificent six, according to Charlie!

Todd Alexander Anderson

Late December, 1963, New York

The new apartment is perfect. It’s in the middle of midtown, with three bedrooms, two bathrooms and a living area with a separated kitchen. It’s only been a few days, so they aren’t entirely unpacked, but Todd hasn’t spent much time there, anyway. He’s usually at Peter’s any chance he gets.

It’s the morning of Christmas Eve, and Todd’s spent the night again. It feels nice waking up beside someone, and Todd grins when his eyes flutter open and Peter’s poking his cheek. The two laugh and Todd pulls the comforter up and across chest. The Christmas celebration had extended to Chris and Noah, Ginny, and Peter. The latter was a last minute arrangement, only Charlie and Knox knew, but Todd figured the others wouldn’t mind too much.

“What do you want for breakfast?” Peter asks, clambering over Todd and out of the bed. They didn’t have to be in Larchmont until the evening as Neil had work, and so they’re having a lazy morning in together. It’s 10am and they have nothing planned.

“I’ll be fine with just some toast. And a tea.” Todd replies, and Peter chuckles before he presses a soft kiss to his lips before he pads over to the small kitchen area. Todd lets out a content sigh and leans back against the pillows, watching Peter make them some breakfast.

It’s going well, he thinks. He’s never been in a relationship before. When it’s just the two of them, Peter’s all over him. Infront of people, they both know they can’t show their affections, but Peter keeps wanting to cling to him and Todd has to remind him that they’re in public. He’s just a guy full of so much love, and Todd doesn’t mind being on the receiving end of it. He cooks for him, holds him while they sleep, makes him laugh, reads with him. Todd’s happy, but his brain can’t stop reminding him that Peter is not Neil.

Neil wouldn’t comment on Todd’s odd (fussy) eating habits, Neil would never point out that Todd flaps his hands whilst excited or that he tugs on his earlobe when he’s overwhelmed. Neil would never comment on how he flinches from loud noises, or bites his nails, or just goes quiet sometimes because he’s slightly overwhelmed. Peter’s learning about him, he knows that, but he can’t help the way that he is and he wishes he’d stop commenting on it.

“Here’s your beige breakfast!” He comments as he passes Todd his tea and toast before he gets back into bed with a bacon sandwich. Todd internally rolls his eyes and just eats his plain toast with butter.

Once their breakfast is out of the way, they get dressed before Peter packs an overnight bag. Todd is a little nervous to be staying over at Mr Keating’s place, but he’s sure it’ll feel like everything’s back to normal the moment he steps foot into the house. Peter doesn’t seem to fully understand how important this is to Todd, but he’s happy to go along anyway, as he’d said he hadn’t had any plans for Christmas at all. Plus he’s desperate to finally meet Todd’s friends.

“You look so cute in that sweater.” Peter grins as Todd’s pulling on his coat. He’s wearing an old Christmas sweater his mom got him about three Christmas’ ago. He smiles and puts on his hat, scarf and gloves before he puts on his snow boots. They’re not coming back to the apartment, so he picks up his overnight bag, and the two head out.

They spend most of their morning walking around Christmas markets, drinking mulled wine and watching the ice skaters in Central Park. Todd ends up buying some last minute gifts for those who were added to the guest list late, and then they head to a burger place for some lunch. They de-bundle, as it’s quite warm in there, and they order their burgers and fries. The getting to know one another stage is nice, Todd likes it, until there’s a question he doesn’t like.

“So, are you seeing your family for new year?” From what Todd could gather, Peter got on fine with his parents. Unlike Todd, who hadn’t seen his family in almost two years and who lied to them every single day.

“Nope.” He responds and Peter gives him an odd look.” We don’t really get on all that well, it’s best if I just keep my distance. If not, I get demeaned, and I feel like a kid again when I’m around them and just let them walk all over me.”

“It’s that bad?” Peter asks and Todd just blankly responds with,” yes it’s that bad. The people you’re meeting today are the people who matter, trust me. I know you get on with your family but mine are different.”

“I didn’t know.” Peter says and slight guilt washes over Todd.” I’m sorry.”

“No, I’m sorry. It’s just a touchy subject.” He sighs, running a hand through his hair. Their waiter brings over their cokes and the pair thank her before Todd says,” growing up I was told all parents automatically love their kids. Well, my parents adore my older brother Jeffrey, he can do no wrong. Perfect wife, perfect house, perfect family, perfect kids, perfect son. Then there’s me. They’ve never loved me. I’m awkward and shy and I barely speak to anyone, and I was even worse as a child.”

“I’m sure they love you.” Peter tries to reason but Todd just shakes his head and continues with,” they don’t. They really don’t. I had some shit stuff happen to me during my junior year of high school, I was grieving someone important and they didn’t care. My anxiety got so bad I’d pass out during panic attacks, I wouldn’t eat, I got migraines…and they didn’t care. They just kept on going with their lives as if I didn’t matter or that my issues were minuscule. Do you know what my dad calls me? Five ninety-eight.”

“What does that mean?” Peter’s tone is small, a little shocked, and his eyes widen when Todd replies with,” it’s what all the chemicals in the human body would be worth if you bottled them raw and sold them. He told me that was all I'd ever be worth unless I worked every day to improve myself. Five ninety-eight. I was six years old.”

“Wow that’s…I’m so sorry.” He seems at a loss for words, and as if some heavenly blessing has been bestowed upon them, their food arrives and Todd shovels a load of fries into his mouth as Peter asks,” what happened in your junior year?”

“It’s complicated.” Todd responds with his mouthful. Peter gets the message that he doesn’t want to speak about it and the two continue their food in silence.

Todd’s hoping no one mentions what happened that Christmas tonight. Neil was back, happy and alive, and that’s all that mattered. No one who wasn’t present at the time needs to know the truth.

Neil Thomas Keating

Late December, 1963, New York

Neil never usually takes an opening shift. He’s usually off auditioning or looking for auditions, but it’s Christmas Eve, and he has plans for once, so he’d taken the opening shift. It turns out, he hates the opening shifts more than the middle shifts or the closes he’s used to. He’d set everything up for the day perfectly fine, but old ladies in New York who brunch are not polite in the slightest.

He breathes out a sigh of relief when the clock hits five, and he finishes up some of the side work he’d started before he rushes off to the staff room. He swaps his shoes for his docs and then bundles up in his coat, hat, scarf and gloves; his glasses fogging up slightly from where his scarf is covering his nose. He slides his tips out of his apron before closing his locker, and then he heads out of the restaurant and over to where he’s parked his car. He never usually drives to work, either, but he had a job to do today that involved JFK airport.

Richard Cameron looks much different from when Neil had seen him last. He’s a few inches taller, with stubble on his chin, slightly less freckles, and coiffed hair instead of the flat top he’d worn as a teenager. He’s dressed in a beige shirt and a blue Christmas sweater, and he’s carrying a small overnight bag that Neil puts in the back of the car before he’s pulling the man in for a hug. He’s sure hoping the others are going to be happy about this surprise, Todd hadn’t mentioned Cameron much, but it had been Keatings idea to invite him and Neil had figured out via Ginny where Cameron had been living.

“So, how’s everything been?” Neil asks as they sit in traffic on the highway, reminding him of why he doesn’t ever drive to work. Cameron’s staring at him in that ‘just seen a ghost’ way and he’s starting to hate people doing that. He’s sure there’ll be plenty of it tonight, though, as he hasn’t seen Meeks, Pitts or Chris since he’d bumped into Todd a month ago.

“Uh…fine, yeah, I guess. I’m an engineer now.” Cameron responds, looking away from Neil for the first time in twenty minutes.” I’ve got a girl and stuff, thinking about proposing. Mom wants me too, that’s for sure.”

“She could’ve come tonight.” Neil states and Cameron just shakes his head.” Why not?”

“She’s with her parents for the holidays.” He responds but Neil feels like he’s holding some information back.” Anyway, how’s things going with you? You seem happy and healthy.”

“Things are…yeah, they’re well.” Neil replies, because they are, truly. Except the man he loves is dating someone else and his soul feels as though it’s been ripped into two. But he just smiles at Cameron, who smiles back.” I lived in London for a while, Keating adopted me, and we’ve been back here for about four months. I booked an acting job, actually, as Dorian in the Picture of Dorian Gray.”

“Oh cool, you’re still acting?” Cameron asks and Neil replies with,” yep, I did a few professional Shakespeare’s back in London. I feel like I’ve really found myself, you know? And Keating’s so supportive of every choice I make. I’m happier, I really am.”

A flicker of guilt crosses Cameron’s face, and Neil gets a small sense of dread in his gut as he drives. He did not know what had happened when he was ‘killed off’, and the guilt on his friend’s face really isn’t helping him in thinking it wasn’t something bad. Tonight was important, he wanted it to go well. The seven of them, plus Keating, Chris, Noah and Ginny, all together celebrating his favourite holiday. What could possibly go wrong?

It turns out, a lot could go wrong when you don’t know the full story.

Everyone’s already in attendance at the Keating household, and Neil unlocks the door to allow himself and Cameron in. It’s just past seven, so he’s not shocked that everyone’s already there. Charlie seems to have calmed down since they’d last seen one another, as he seems to be running over to hug Neil, but he spots Cameron in the doorway and reels back in almost horror. Neil, confused, goes to ask what the problem is, but a loud ‘what the fuck’ from Charlie, summons the rest of the poets into the entrance hall.

Meeks looks almost exactly the same as he had done when they were sixteen, apart from allowing his curls to bounce a little more freely. He’s dressed in a scratchy looking beige Christmas jumper that has a reindeer on it and some brown pants. Pitts, however, looks completely different. His hair is no longer in his flat top style, either, and he seems to be growing a moustache which oddly suits him. His acne has cleared up, and he’s in a vibrant orange Christmas jumper covered in little Christmas ornaments accompanied by a pair of jeans. They’re displaying the ‘just seen a ghost’ stares but Neil can’t concentrate on that when Charlie is yelling at him yet again.

“What the fuck kind of surprise did you think this would be, Neil? Not once have any of us mentioned Cameron to you!”

“You haven’t spoken to me in weeks, Charlie. I barely speak to Knox, and Todd certainly is more preoccupied these days.” Neil begins, and Charlie scoffs.” You can’t be mad at me about this, it wasn’t my idea!”

“Whose fucking idea was it, then? Because it wasn’t any of ours!” Charlie yells back, and then John walks into the entrance hall, followed by Peter of all people. Neil sees red instantly.

“It was my idea.” John says at the same time Neil says,” why the fuck is he here? I never invited him!”

“Charming.” Says Peter sarcastically as Todd replies with,” we’re together Neil, it’s common for couples to bring a plus one. You extended one to Meeks and Pitts, but I’m the only one actually in a relationship.”

“I don’t at least get a heads up?” Neil asks and Charlie immediately bursts out with,” we  didn’t get a heads up for that dickhead being here!”

“Woah!” Gasps Cameron.” Real nice, Nuwanda, real nice.”

“Only my friends call me that. You don’t get to call me that!” Charlie snaps at him but Neil just says,” it’s mine and John’s house and we can invite who we please, okay, Charlie?”

“You don’t get a say in this, you weren’t there!” Charlie snaps back.” You don’t know what happened. You don’t know a thing about any of us and you can bitch and moan that Todd’s trying to move on from you but he’s allowed to! After the hurt you caused he’s allowed to be happy! As for him ” he points a finger to Cameron,” he can go! None of us want him here.”

“That’s not true, I do.” John steps in, heading over to Cameron and helping him with his coat and bag.” He’s my guest, this is my house. Now let’s all just calm down, please? It’s Christmas and there’s a young man trying to sleep upstairs.”

They all deflate at that. Neil and Cameron take off their coats and shoes before following the crowd into the conservatory. There’s a snack table set up in the corner, and Neil sinks into his arm chair, massaging the tension headache that’s brewing in his temples. Chris and Ginny are stood together, watching the boys all walk into the conservatory with slumped shoulders; like scolded children. Ginny takes up Charlie’s attention, and Knox offers Chris a drink whilst Todd speaks quietly with Peter in the doorway. Their discussion, while quiet, looks heated and Neil just rolls his eyes. Cameron’s talking with John and observing the snacks, while Meeks and Pitts are looking over a small stack of board games and petting Walt.

Out of the corner of his eye, Neil spots Todd scoff and storm out, accompanied by the faint sound of the front door slamming. Before he can get up to go and check on him, however, Peter’s hovering over where he’s sat, glaring at him. Neil looks at him, pushing his glasses up his nose.

“You don’t like me.” Peter states bluntly, taking Neil aback slightly.” I don’t quite know what I’ve done, but you do not like me.”

“I’ve never said that.” Neil responds and Peter scoffs.” I’m being serious. I’ve never said to anyone that I don’t like you. Ask Ginny!”

“You act like you can’t stand me! You glare at me, you’re rude to me, and it’s only just started happening.” Peter states and Neil lets out a slight chuckle before standing and saying,” it’s only just started happening. You’re a smart guy, do the math, it shouldn’t take you too long to figure out what my problem is.”

“You’re protective of Todd, I get it,I just…he’s quiet and he’s not telling me something and-“ Peter begins but Neil swiftly cuts him off.

“You don’t know him, alright? You don’t know him at all. He’s always been quiet, he’s always been shy, and if he isn’t telling you something then it’s none of your business.”

And with that, he heads off to find Todd.

Todd Alexander Anderson

Late December, 1963, New York

“What did he mean by moving on from Neil?” They’ve only just stepped foot into the conservatory and already Todd just wants to give up and go home. This was a mistake. This whole evening was a mistake.

“Nothing, don’t worry about it.” Todd replies, not looking in Peter’s eyes, which is probably pissing him off.

“Don’t bullshit me, Todd, I thought you said you weren’t exes!” Peter snaps in a low tone, Todd glances around the room, sure someone is watching them. Neil turns his head so he’s watching Meeks and Pitts fuss over the dog.

“We aren’t exes, we never dated.” Todd responds, fiddling with his fingers.” It’s nothing. Charlie just says shit sometimes, especially when he’s angry.”

“You’re lying to me.” Peter states and Todd rolls his eyes.” Don’t roll your eyes, you’re keeping something from me. Something happened during your junior year, what happened?”

“It was four years ago, oh my god.” Todd says in an exasperated chuckle. Peter frowns.” It doesn’t matter what happened, okay? It doesn’t matter what Charlie said about Neil and I, okay? I’m with you. That’s all that matters.”

“Are you? Because it doesn’t feel like it. I know it’s early days, I know that, but there’s like this thing looming over us and it’s something to do with you and you won’t open up to me, Todd!” Peter says, his voice almost a whine and this time Todd frowns, staring directly at him.

“We’re still getting to know one another-

“So let me in. Whatever it is, I can handle it. Like I can handle all your other weird shit!” Peter says without thinking and it feels like a slap in the face. Todd just glares at him, scoffs and then heads out of the room.

He needs some air, so he grabs his coat and shoes and puts them on before leaving the house, slamming the door shut by accident. He hopes he hasn’t woken Noah for Knox and Chris’ sake. He walks to the top step of the porch and sits down, taking out his cigarettes and matches from his pocket and placing a cigarette in his mouth. He lights it up and pockets the pack yet again before taking a drag of the cigarette.

“Like I can handle all your weird shit” Todd knew he was odd, he’d been aware of that since a very very young age. It’s why he struggled to let people in, to let people see the real him. The poets had accepted him with open arms, Neil had fallen in love with him, and yet even now, at twenty one years of age, he’s still scared of showing people who he really is because they say shit like Peter had just said. He feels tears sting his eyes and that irritates him. He doesn’t need to cry over this, but he feels so ashamed with himself for allowing who he truly is to ruin something that was blossoming into something that could stick.

The front door opens and he really doesn’t want to talk to Peter whilst he’s in this state. Tears are threatening to fall and he doesn’t have the strength to fight them off. Someone stands beside him and he looks up to find Neil looking at him with concern, bundled up in his coat and hat.

“Throw us a cig.” He says and Todd pulls the pack out of his pocket, handing them to Neil, who sits beside him and turns his face towards him. Todd’s cigarette is poking out of his mouth, and Neil leans in; lighting his own cigarette with Todd’s before pulling back and taking a drag.” That seemed heated.”

“Yep.” Todd replies, short and simple, but he knows Neil is going to poke and prod.

“He just came up to me, accused me of not liking him, then said some whack shit about you.” Neil states, tensing his jaw slightly, and Todd looks up at him; all teary eyed and sad.” He doesn’t like how quiet you are I don’t think. He thinks you’re hiding something from him but I told him it’s probably none of his business.”

“It’s your death I’m hiding from him, because how on earth do I begin to explain that?” Todd begins and Neil takes another drag of his cigarette.”’ Sorry I’m struggling to open myself up to you, the last guy I was in love with died, only he didn’t actually die he was just in London for four years and I didn’t even know.’ He doesn’t need to know. I don’t want him too.”

“It’s not his business.” Neil states and Todd nods.” Do you even like him?”

“What kind of question even is that?”

“I just need to know.” His tone of voice is desperate, almost pleading, and Todd takes one last drag of his cigarette before he stomps it out and answers with,” of course I do.”

“Well do you love him?” Neil asks, abandoning his cigarette early and looking at Todd, full of vulnerability. Todd looks away and hugs his knees to his chest. He doesn’t answer.” You don’t, do you?”

“What do you want to hear from me Neil?” Todd sighs.

“The truth! You’re with a guy barely a week after you admitted to being in love with me, Todd. You…you’re breaking my heart here.” Neil replies, voice as tearful as Todd’s eyes.” Being with him while you don’t love him is just a recipe for disaster.”

And something about that irritates Todd. It’s probably because it’s true, but he just snaps out a,” I love you, yes, but I can’t want you. I don’t love Peter, yet, but I want him!” as a response and he watches as Neil furrows his brows.

The brunettes bottom lip quivers, his eyes misting up with tears, as he quietly says,“you’ve got some serious fucking issues!” before he stands up and stomps off back into the house.

Todd turns away from the door as it slams, and then the dam breaks and he’s left outside the front porch of the Keating residence crying his eyes out. He sobs so hard his whole body is wracked with it and his throat begins to feel sore. He doesn’t know how long it takes before Charlie finds him.

“Hey, don’t cry.” He whispers, sitting down beside Todd and pulling him into a hug.” Don’t cry. It’s okay.”

“I’m fucked up.” Todd weeps, his whole being vibrating in Charlie’s arms.” I…I’m disgusting and wrong. I don’t deserve love-

“Todd stop that.” Charlie pleads.” Whatever Neil said just ignore him, he’s being a cunt.”

“It’s not just him.” Todd admits, looking up at his best friend, who wipes his eyes gently with the back of his hand.” Peter thinks I’m a freak, Neil thinks I’ve got issues. My parents hate me, they always have, and my brother just thinks I’m some burden to the family name.”

“You’re not a burden and you’re not fucked up. I love you, okay? I love you so much. You’re my best friend.” Charlie whispers into the blondes hair. The front door opens and Todd tries to calm himself as Charlie says,” dude, not now. He’s not in the right mindset for another argument.”

“I’m not here to argue. I just came to check on him.” It’s Peter, and Todd glances over at him. He speed walks over to where Todd is sobbing into Charlie’s shoulder, and he immediately takes him into his arms.” Oh, baby, I’m so sorry for what I said. I was being a prick.”

Todd wriggles out of his grasp and stands up, wiping his eyes on his sleeve before declaring that he’s going to bed. Charlie loops his arm through his and heads inside with him, and Charlie says a quick goodnight to everyone before he and Todd head to the restroom. Charlie ends up wiping his face with a cloth to calm him down, and Todd just numbly sits on the edge of the bath, warn out.

“I think I’m broken.” He mumbles.

“Don’t talk like that.” Charlie says, wiping under Todd’s eyes.

“I love Neil, Charlie. I love him.” Todd admits and he feels his bottom lip quivering. Charlie places down the cloth and takes both of Todd’s hands into his own.” I like Peter, I do, but he’s so mean to me without intending to be and it’s driving me insane and it’s not even been a week. We’ve barely been together a week and my brain keeps reminding me that he’s not Neil, but I keep pushing Neil away and I really really want Neil, Charlie. I love him. I thought I’d lost him, but I haven’t, and he’s right in my grasp and he loves me back but I just won’t allow myself to have what I want. What if…what if we do get together and he falls out of love with me?”

“He wouldn’t.” Charlie states, allowing Todd to rant.” I need you to calm down before you have a panic attack.”

“No but just say that he does!” He continues, ignoring Charlie’s request.” It’ll be easier for me if Peter fell out of love with me because I don’t love him! I can’t ever love anyone the way I love Neil.”

“Calm down.” Charlie says as Todd begins to bawl again. He picks the cloth back up and starts to wipe his face again.” Let’s calm down, alright? It’s Christmas Eve. We’re meant to be celebrating and instead you’re getting yourself worked up in here and Neil’s locked himself in his room!”

“I don’t feel like celebrating. I’m going to bed.” He states, and then he stands up and heads off to the room he and Peter are staying in, leaving Charlie in the restroom. He clambers into the bed still clothed and lies down, a headache beginning to brew.

He knew inviting Peter probably would’ve gone south, but he didn’t know Neil could be so cruel. He feels empty and numb as he stares up at the ceiling, fresh tears silently falling down his face.

Ginny Angelina Danbury

Late December, 1963, New York

When the door slams a second time, there’s a soft crying heard upstairs, which immediately alerts Knox and Chris; who rush to go and check on their son. Ginny, who’d been talking with them, shuffles to grab a cocktail sausage at the same time Cameron is grabbing a sandwich.

“I have a feeling there’s a lot of unresolved shit going on that’s not one hundred percent to do with me.” He states awkwardly and Ginny chuckles before saying,” yeah…something like that. Charlie’s mad at Neil for not contacting any of you in the last four years, Neil’s mad at Todd for dating Peter. Peter’s mad at Neil for some reason…and the rest of us are all just here to put up with their bullshit.”

“Well it’s nice to know I’m not the sole cause of drama.” Cameron says with a small smile and Ginny smiles back.

“It is nice to see you, Cameron. Meeks and Pitts seem fine to have you here, same with Todd and Knox. Charlie can just hold a grudge better than we thought he could.” Ginny responds, and as if summoned, Charlie arrives in the doorway, Todd crying behind him.

“Could someone check on Neil, please? He went off upstairs in tears about five minutes ago. I’d go but…I’m with Todd.” He says, showing his first signs that he truly still cares about Neil. Keating goes to stand up, looking a little concerned, but Ginny volunteers; telling him that he should be allowed to relax and celebrate Christmas with his guests.

Neil’s room is the first one on the right once you get up the stairs, and there’s a little sign on the door with his name. Ginny smiles at how child-like that is, and she knocks on the door softly. She doesn’t get a response, but she can faintly hear him crying on the other side. She feels like all she’s heard lately is him crying, and she hates it. He was usually so happy, so outgoing, so hearing him cry is heartbreaking. Ginny opens his bedroom door to find him curled up on his bed, hugging himself and crying. His rooms bigger than she was expecting, and he’s got a queen sized bed with blue tartan sheets. She shuffles into the room and sits down beside him, running a gentle hand through his hair.

“Neil.” Ginny says, tone soft and voice quiet.” You need to calm down. With the way you’re sobbing you could hyperventilate any moment.”

“My heart won’t stop hurting.” Neil bawls, his whole body shaking against his sobs. Ginny just continues to stroke his hair to calm him.” How can I make it stop hurting?”

“It’ll stop eventually, just give it time.” Ginny tells him.” Mine hurt when Charlie and I broke up. Deep down, a part of me still loves him, but we’ve both moved on since then. You’ll move on, too, okay? Just give it time.”

“I don’t want to move on. He loves me, Ginny. He just told me he loves me but he doesn’t want to be with me and it’s confusing and it hurts!” Neil bawls.

“What he’s doing is cruel, okay? You don’t deserve it.” Ginny says and then, Neil starts to hyperventilate. She helps him to sit up, and she rubs his back while doing some breathing exercises with him.

Once his breathing is back to normal, Ginny takes a tissue from his bedside table and wipes his face with it before he lies back down. They continue in silence, Neil’s breathing still a little scattered from the hyperventilating, but Ginny just continues to stroke his hair until eventually, he falls asleep; still in his Christmas sweater and jeans.

Ginny quietly leaves Neil’s room, closing the door carefully and walking back down the stairs. At the same time, Charlie’s leaving the bathroom, and the two run into one another. Charlie grabs her by the arm and pulls her into the bathroom, closing the door behind them and Ginny crosses her arms and stares at him, a tiny bit confused.

“You’ve got to tell Neil to apologise to Todd.” Charlie begins and Ginny scoffs out a,” he doesn’t need to apologise for anything. If anyone should apologise, it should be Todd!”

“Why should Todd apologise? He wasn’t the one who said Neil had issues the way Neil just told Todd he did!” Charlie responds and Ginny must’ve missed that part. She shoots him a confused look.” Neil told Todd that he’s ‘got some serious fucking issues’!”

“Well it’s probably because Todd’s playing with his head, Charlie! He keeps constantly telling Neil that he loves him, but that he can’t be with him, and now he’s dating Peter…it’s hurting Neil.” Ginny explains, and Charlie nods in understanding.” He’s just had a panic attack upstairs.”

“Look, Todd isn’t thinking straight. He’s never been too good with confronting his sexuality. He doesn’t like Peter like that but he’s rationalising it in his head that he can handle Peter falling out of love with him because he doesn’t love him back. He wouldn’t cope if he and Neil were to break up.” Charlie explains.” I tried telling him that that wouldn’t happen but…you know how he can get. Once his mind is made up it’s hard to steer him away.”

“He just needs to stop hurting Neil.” Ginny states and the two fall silent, both in complete agreement. Ginny knows that Charlie’s worried about Neil just as much as she is. The two had been best friends for almost two decades.” You can check up on him, Charlie, you are allowed.”

“I know. I will. Tomorrow.” Charlie says awkwardly.” So, how are you?”

“I’m good, you?” Ginny responds and Charlie smiles shyly, a smile he only ever really had around her.

“Yeah, I’m doing good.” He replies.” I…I’ve missed you.”

“Yeah, I’ve missed you, too.” Ginny replies and Charlie takes a step closer to her. He bends down a little, placing a hand on her hip; and before either of them really realise it, they’re kissing.

Charlie presses her against the wall, kisses hungry and desperate, and Ginny grabs onto his ugly Christmas sweater before her hands find their way into his hair, tugging on it, making him moan and drop his mouth open, allowing her tongue to slid in. It’s familiar, and welcoming, and Ginny isn’t going to stop it any time soon, especially not when Charlie begins to kiss at her neck.

Knox Thomas Overstreet

Late December, 1963, New York

“Daddy!” Noah giggles as Knox waves his bear above his head. Knox smiles, lying on his side on the bed, Chris sitting on the edge and watching them with a small smile on her face.

“You should go to sleep, little man.” Knox says, and as if on cue, Noah yawns. Knox passes his bear to him, and he settles back down to sleep; the door slamming from earlier having woken him up.

“Trust our son to be sick over Christmas.” Chris says as Noah’s eyes flutter closed. She gently strokes his blonde bangs out of his eyes.

“He’ll probably feel better tomorrow, it’s just a cold.” Knox replies, stroking Noah’s cheek gently to soothe him.” God, I love him so much.”

“He misses you, you know?” Chris says and Knox smiles sadly.” I miss you, too.”

“I miss you guys but…we weren’t good together, Chris. We kept arguing, it wasn’t healthy for Noah to be around.” Knox says. That, and he’s halfway to being in love with Charlie. He’s not about to air that, however.” A small part of me will always remain in love with you, though.”

“I know.” Chris says.” He looks like you, y’know? If you were blonde.”

“Poor kid.” Knox chuckles and Chris playfully smacks his arm.” No, he’s like his mom. That’s a better way to be. Imagine being told you’re like your father, a guy with a failed marriage, a divorce lawyer who had to get a divorce.”

“Don’t forget I’m a woman with a failed marriage, that doesn’t exactly fly well with the public.” Chris says, tone only slightly bitter. Knox gives her a sympathetic look.” Okay, I think I’m gonna go to sleep. Please tell everyone I say goodnight.”

“I will. Sleep well. If you need any help with him in the night please wake me.” Knox says, getting off of the bed as Chris grabs her pyjamas from her bag.

“I will.” Chris says.” You’re a good dad, Knox.”

Knox smiles bashfully and then heads back downstairs. Peter’s no where to be found, but Pitts, Meeks and Cameron are in an intense game of scrabble that Keating is referee-ing. Walt is curled up in his bed fast asleep, and Charlie and Ginny have disappeared.

“Where is everyone?” Knox asks as he sits next to Keating.

“Peter went to bed, Charlie and Ginny were with Neil and Todd.” Keating responds.” How is Noah?”

“He’s full of cold.” Knox replies.” He’s asleep again, thankfully. Chris told me to tell you guys she’s going to bed and she wishes you all goodnight.”

“Stop cheating oh my god!” Meeks demands, making Pitts and Cameron laugh.” It’s not funny. Oh my god I give up playing with you two.”

“It’s scrabble, how can we cheat?” Pitts laughs, Meeks failing to be angry with him, his glare instantly mellowing out. The others knew those two were in love with one another, but they didn’t need their heads knocked together like Neil and Todd, so they left them to figure it out for themselves.

“You’re hiding letters!” Meeks exclaims, and Cameron and Pitts laugh harder.” I give up, playing with you two is no fun.”

“I’m gonna get another drink, Meeks, maybe you should have one to relax?” Cameron states as he stands up, the three abandoning scrabble. Meeks glares at him, making them all laugh.

“I’ll take another one. I’m just going to go to the bathroom.” Knox says, and he shuffles out of the room, heading down to the restroom.

He hears something clang when he reaches the door, and confused, he opens it. Inside, he finds Ginny, her legs wrapped around Charlie’s waist, back pressed against the wall; her hand covering Charlie’s mouth whilst his hand is covering hers. His pants are down, her underwear on the floor, her brown skirt hitched up. Knox immediately shuts the door and turns on his heels, rushing up to the room he was supposed to be sharing with Charlie. Instead, a flash of hot anger consumes him and he groans, lying back on the bed.

Charles James Dalton

Late December, 1963, New York

It had seemed wiser to sleep on a spare mattress in the living room after Knox had walked in on him and Ginny. Ginny’s fast asleep on one couch, Cameron on the other, and Charlie sits up; hangover setting in. He doesn’t regret sleeping with Ginny, he doesn’t, but he had been drunk and the look of hurt on Knox’s face had burned into his memory and haunted his sleep.

The clock on the mantelpiece reads as 6:30, and Charlie groans as he gets out of bed. The smell of bacon and eggs wafts down the hallway as he heads towards the kitchen, and he finds Keating not only making breakfast, but cooking and prepping their Christmas lunch.

“Good morning, Charlie.” He greets as Charlie stands in the doorway.” I didn’t peg you for being the first awake. I was just about to wake Neil, give him some breakfast in bed. That usually cheers him up.”

“I can do it.” Charlie says, and although he looks concerned for his son, Keating asks,” are you sure?”

“I wanna make sure he’s okay.” Charlie tells him, watching as Keating prepares the tray for Neil’s breakfast. He’s got some toast, eggs and bacon; and mug of steaming black coffee.

“I’m just worried he’s going to slip into one of his moods.” Keating explains, passing the tray to Charlie.” He has these periods where he gets depressed and just stays in his room for days. Ginny told me he’d had a panic attack, and I’m worried this will have triggered one of his depressive episodes. I care about Todd, I do, but Neil’s my son and I cannot have him hurting him like that.”

“I know.” Charlie says.” Todd’s just…he’s on self destruct most of the time. He isn’t meaning to hurt Neil, he’s just scared.”

“I know that.” Keating says.” You should bring Neil his breakfast before it goes cold.”

Carefully, Charlie carries the tray up to Neil’s room. He knocks on the door and doesn’t get a response, so he gently pushes it open. Neil’s still asleep, hugging his childhood stuffed bear Oliver that Charlie could recognise a mile away. He looks younger in his sleep, all of the worry etched off of his face. He’s got remnants of tear stains on his cheeks, and his face is puffy from where he’d clearly fallen asleep crying, and Charlie awkwardly shuffles into the room.

“Neil?” He says softly, walking over to the bed. Neil stirs slightly and slowly opens one eye.” Your dad made breakfast for you, I said I’d bring it.”

“Oh.” Neil mumbles, sitting up and taking the tray from Charlie, who sits down on the bed.” You’re not mad at me anymore?”

“No.” Charlie reassures him.” Well, not as much. I’m pissed you didn’t contact us, but I can’t hold anything against you anymore. You’re my best friend, Neil. We’ve been through everything together. I’m worried about you.”

“Why?” Neil asks as he picks at his toast.

“Because I know what Todd is doing is hurting you, and I don’t like you being hurt. I love Todd, I do, but he’s scared out of his mind and it’s hurting you in the fallout.” Charlie explains.” I love you both, okay? I don’t like seeing either of you hurt and right now you both are!”

“I just…I’m confused. He says he loves me and then says he can’t be with me and then he’s dating Peter and still saying he loves me.” Neil says and Charlie replies with,” he’s scared of his sexuality. He’s scared of letting his parents down, letting us down. He’s worried that if he allows himself to love you, and you break up, he wont be able to cope with it.”

“We wouldn’t break up.”

“That’s what I said, but Todd’s Todd. It’s hard to shift his mind off the worst case scenario.” Charlie states.” But…he isn’t lying when he says he loves you. We had a photo of you on the mantel because it would help him, he would disappear into his grief every single December. He hated celebrating his birthday because you wouldn’t be there, he hated Christmas for a long while. He loves you, Neil, he loves you so much it’s scaring him. He doesn’t like letting himself have the things he wants.”

“I’ve missed you.” Neil says, starting to eat his breakfast, and Charlie grins before saying,” yeah. I missed you, too.”

He leans over and steals a bit of toast from Neil’s plate, making the other man laugh and playfully smack his hand away. Charlie just grins and eats the small piece of bread before leaning his head against Neil’s shoulder. Neil leans his head against Charlie’s, and the two sit in a content silence as Neil eats his breakfast.

Todd Alexander Anderson

Late December, 1963, New York

The spot on the bed beside him is empty, slept in, but empty. Todd turns onto his back, his face aching from crying so much, his headache only dulled ever so slightly due to sleep. There’s a glass of water on his bedside table with a note next to it and some aspirin. He sits up and grabs it.

I’m sorry for last night ~ Peter

He smiles and then takes the aspirin before he gets out of bed, putting on his slippers and his robe before heading downstairs. Everyone’s always up and awake, Charlie entertaining Noah while they wait for Todd so they can open their gifts. Peter’s immediately over to Todd in an instant and he pulls him into a hug, which Todd reciprocates.

“How are you feeling?” He asks and Todd smiles before replying with,” better, thank you.”

“You were already asleep when I came up, I didn’t want to wake you.” Peter says and Todd nods, catching Neil’s eye; who’s sat on the couch petting his dog and talking with his adoptive father. Neil looks away and kisses Walt on the head.

“Thank you for the water and the aspirin.” Todd says, allowing for Peter to fuss over him slightly and kiss his temple.” I’m sorry about last night.”

“It’s okay, I’m sorry, too.” Peter says and the two sit down on the other couch as Noah says,” mommy, uncle Todd here we do gift?”

“Yes baby, go ahead.” Chris replies as Knox hands Noah his first present.

They spend some time watching Noah open up his gifts before they do their own gift exchanges. Todd gets a lot of clothes and a few books, and he grabs his second to last gift, which is from Peter. It’s a grey knitted sweater, handmade by him, and Todd thanks him before getting his last gift. It’s from Neil.

He opens it to find a clothbound notebook, some fancy pens, and a teaching text book. On top is a small note that reads for when you study to become a teacher, remember who believed in you from the start~ Neil.

“Oh, Neil, this is…oh my god.” Todd says, his heart fluttering with affection. Neil smiles.” Thank you so much!”

“It was nothing.” Neil says bashfully, holding onto the vintage A Midsummer Nights Dream that Todd had gotten for him.” I just figured…you’ll need the best for when you become a teacher.”

“You’re going to become a teacher?” Peter asks, really confused. Todd looks to him and replies with,” I’m going to study to be a teacher. I’ve already got my English degree I’m just going to go back to school to study teaching.”

“I thought you couldn’t do public speaking?” Peter asks and Cameron immediately says,” oh no, he can. He doesn’t like to, but he’s actually quite a good public speaker.”

“Right, Neil wouldn’t know about him reading his poem.” Knox states when Neil looks as confused as Peter.” The night of the play we went to the cave and Todd read out his poem. He was amazing.”

“You did?” Neil asks and Todd nods, a little shy.” I…I didn’t know. Wow, that’s amazing, Todd. I’m proud of you.”

“It was four years ago.” Todd chuckles and then he turns to Peter, who’s still incredibly confused.” Thank you for the sweater, I’ll wear it later.”

“Oh…of course. Yeah.” Peter stammers, and then Todd is heading over to Neil without really thinking and pulling him into a hug that seems to surprise him. He hugs him back, and then Todd scratches Walt behind the ear before Noah comes over to him, showing him one of his new toys.

“Who got you that, Noah?” Todd asks as he picks the boy up, Noah giggling as he waves the toy around. He loved his uncle Todd.

“Uncle Stephen!” Noah replies and Todd grins.” Merry Crismis, Uncle Todd!

“Merry Christmas Buddy.” Todd chuckles, kissing Noah’s temple. Knox had the cutest kid in the world, Todd remembers holding Noah in the hospital when he was a few hours old, and now’s he’s walking and talking. Part of him wishes his other friends had kids too, he loved being a babysitter.

Once the gifts are all open, they each get dressed for the day. Neil helps John with finishing off their dinner while the poets all play with Noah and his new toys. Lunch is served around 1pm, and they all sit down to eat. All tension from the night before is gone, apart from a new tension between Knox and Charlie that Todd doesn’t quite understand.

After lunch, whilst he’s trying to fight off a food coma, Todd’s taken aside by Charlie. The pair sit on the front porch, yet again, and they share a pack of cigarettes as Charlie begins to explain what happened the night before. That he and Ginny had been talking and it had escalated to them having sex, about how Knox had walked in on them, about how Charlie feels he needs to start locking doors because this is the second time someone’s walked in on him in a compromising position.

“I don’t get why he’s mad at me, it’s not like we’re together. It’s just meaningless sex!” Charlie states and Todd says,” but has he ever said it was meaningless sex.”

Charlie takes a drag of his cigarette as he struggles to respond to that. Todd takes a drag of his own cigarette and adds,” I know how you feel about him, Charlie, and the meaningless sex excuse is just so you won’t get attached.”

“You’re denying yourself of something you want yet again you don’t get to lecture me!”

“I’m just saying that maybe your feelings are reciprocated.” Todd suggests and Charlie scoffs out a,” I’m not taking love advice from you, alright? I slept with Ginny, so what?”

“I don’t want you hurting her or Knox, Charlie.” Todd states.

“And I don’t want you hurting Neil and yet here we are.” Charlie replies and Todd rolls his eyes. He stands and stomps out cigarette before heading back inside. Charlie was ridiculous to talk to when he got in a mood like this.

Instead, Todd takes to playing with Noah, who entices Neil into their game and the two laugh loudly as they play with the toddler. He had an active imagination, and a humour similar to Knox’s. Todd never wants kids, but he loves being an uncle.

Neil Thomas Keating

Late December, 1963, New York

“I thought it went well after the blip on Christmas Eve.” John says as he and Neil tidy up the spare mattress Charlie was sleeping on two days later.

“I don’t know, I think Knox and Charlie still aren’t on speaking terms.” Neil replies, folding up the comforter.” I did deep clean the restroom don’t worry.”

“I don’t mind about that I just wish you boys would communicate better.” John sighs and Neil chuckles.” Speaking of, how are you and Todd?”

“We’re okay, I think. Peter still doesn’t like me, he hasn’t figured out why I don’t like him.” Neil replies.” I don’t know…I think everything will work itself out with time.”

“Be patient with him.” John says and Neil looks up at him.” I think that’s what he needs, time and patience, and I don’t think Peter will give him that. You will.”

“You think so?” Neil asks and John says,” he loves you, Neil, and you love him. Just give him time.”

“Thanks dad.” Neil says with a grin before he takes the comforter and pillows out to the airing cupboard.

He’s sure it’ll work out eventually, he just needs to work on his patience a little more. He can be friends with Todd, that’s all they’d ever known, after all.