Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It was the dream that started it all for Castiel.

It started occasionally. A once-in-a-blue-moon night terror that he never thought about again.

But then it became every 6 months. Then, it was every month. He would wake up in a cold sweat, feeling nauseous and dizzy. He never said a word to Sam and Dean. He just figured that they would tell him to 'man up'. Especially Dean. I mean, he had seen far worse things on hunts, right? So why let a silly night terror bother him?

It did not control his life at first, oh no. He tried for a very very long time to suppress his nightmare. But after a while, it was all he could think about. It distracted him while he hunted with Sam and Dean, and it changed how he was around them.  

He was not exactly stoic, more like....delicate unpredictable, and slightly mysterious. Not antisocial by any means, though.

This dream...it was where he was in the psych ward again, except...he did not take Sam's hallucinations. Something else was wrong with him. Something bad. Awful. Dark. Maybe even twisted. In the dream, all that he remembered from it was a sharp pain in his arms as if he had been cut. He would look down and see his arms drenched in blood. He would look up again and see a red spiral on the wall, painted with his blood. A look of terror would cross his face as a creepy-looking eye would appear in the center of the red spiral. And then, he would feel an intense amount of pain in his back before waking up. Same exact dream. Every single time.

He became seriously infatuated with these dreams. Little did he know what was to come...these dreams were a warning for the future.

He started every so slowly, painfully slowly losing it. He tried to hide it at first, but Sam and Dean noticed his strange behavior. The angel had always been strange, but not like this. It was gradual. Moments of confusion (did I say Samandriel? Sorry... I meant Sam.) Forgetfulness. ('Wait...where is this hunt again?' 'Cas, we have told you 3 times now...are you good?') Paranoia. (I swear that we are being followed!!) Anger. (I said leave me alone!!) 

of course, all 3 of them have dealt with apocalypses, but Castiel was extremely adamant that an apocalypse was happening at that moment, even though things were calm. A few weeks later, he switched it up and just kept on saying that Sam and Dean could not leave the bunker for any reason. This became an issue whenever they were trying to go on a hunt. 

''Tell me again, Cas, why we can't leave?'' Dean asked, rolling his eyes.

''You will thank me later, Dean. I cannot protect you out there. You must stay here. Nothing or nobody can.'' Castiel said, he spoken differently now, like he did whenever he had the leviathans inside him. It scared Sam a bit.

''Um...we appreciate the concern but we will be fine, Cas,'' Sam said kindly, sneaking past him to go to the door.

But Cas was quicker, he always was whenever he wanted to be. ''No.'' He said firmly, staring at them with those piercing blue eyes, even though something about them seemed so...empty.

''Ok, Cas, you are really pissing me off now,'' Dean said roughly, ready to fight the angel if he had to.

''Dean...'' Sam warned.

''No, Sam!! What the fuck is his problem, huh?'' He looked at Cas harshly. ''Yeah...the fuck is your problem?'' He went up in his personnel space. Cas finally backed down a bit, but he was still not going to let them leave.

''I am sorry, but I must do this.'' Before Sam or Dean could ask what, Cas put 2 fingers up to their foreheads and put them to sleep. He watched them fall as their bodies hit the floor.

''You will never leave this bunker.'' He whispered, a sick smile spreading across his face.

A few hours later, the 2 woken up. They were getting scared and concerned now. They found Cas on a...computer? Since when did the angel ever use that thing? Turns out, he had become obsessed with research. His once calm and collected demeanor was now replaced with a jittery energy and unfortunately, a constant need for control.

''Ok, Cas, you are freaking us out. Are you trying to be God again or something?'' Sam asked.

Cas laughed sickly, ''Or something!!''

Neither of the boys seen what was so funny about this.

''How can I make you understand? Someday you will...you will...''

Dean gulped, his anger getting swallowed, too, now replaced with fear.

Sam was the more concerned of the 2. He stood up. ''Come on, Cas...this is not you. Maybe you are under a spell or a curse. We can get you help...''

''No, Sam. Tsk tsk tsk. I do not need help. I need you guys to listen to me. I can keep you safe, I promise. Just...listen. I am just...doing what is necessary to save the world.'' He explained simply.

''And what exactly is so great that you are doing that is 'saving the world?''' Dean asked.

''Well, there is an apocalypse coming so that you cannot leave the bunker, and before you say 'we have dealt with apocalypses before', this is an apocalypse like no other. I am the only person who can protect you.'' It sounded sincere, but something was not right wit the angel...this was going too far...nobody else that they knew even slightly mentioned an apocalypse.

Suddenly, it hit Sam.

''Cas...I think that you are having an actual psychotic break of some sort. Something must have happened to you...you are not right in the head at all.'' Dean looked at Sam in a bit of surprise at how upfront he was being.

Castiel just stared at him. With those damn blue eyes. Who knew what those blue eyes were really seeing? Were they even seeing Sam and Dean? Were they seeing Lucifer? Or somebody else? Who knew...they were very very very concerned for their friend.

Chapter Text

As time went on, Castiel's sanity continued to unravel. He became increasingly delusional, seeing signs and omens everywhere. He would draw them on paper and show them to Sam and Dean but of course, they did not understand what the hell he was on about. But sometimes they pretended to just so that he would be quiet. They could not let this go on, though. They had to think of something.

Cas started, eventually, to distance himself from Sam and Dean. He still would not let them leave the bunker and it had been 2 weeks by now. It was really becoming a problem. Instead of ranting about what was to come, Cas now believed that he had to protect them from the "truth." So, instead of ranting, he distanced himself and kept quiet about the whole thing.

Eventually, his obsession with an apocalypse morphed into more of an obsession with power. He no longer cared about keeping Sam and Dean safe, he just wanted to control them now.

But Dean was not having it. Angel or not, he was tired of having Cas boss him around. They ended up getting into a fight, which ended with Dean getting a pretty bad black eye. Sam and Dean had no idea what to do. Did their friend turn on them? Dean thought so, but Sam was trying to look beneath the surface. He thought that this was deeper than a spell or a curse.

1 night, Sam and Dean were sleeping whenever they were suddenly woken up by Castiel's yelling. Dean heard it 1st. He jolted awake. {what the...} He rubbed his eyes tiredly and gotten out of bed, walking toward the kitchen to see what the hell the angel was doing. He found him pacing around with his angel blade in his hand yelling random shit.

Dean gulped. {this is not good...not good at all...I really should not try to confront him while he has that angel blade in his hand...he might try to kill me.}

"I AM THE ONLY 1 WHO CAN SAVE HUMANITY...A-AND I AM ABOVE ALL THE RULES THAT BOUND THE OTHER ANGELS."

While he was yapping, Dean could only watch in awe, shock, and fear.

Suddenly, Cas seen him.

Dean tried to return to his room, but it was too late. As soon as he turned around, Cas was magically in front of him.

Dean gulped. "H-hey, Cas. I was just uh...getting some water."

Cas narrowed his eyes. "Liar."

He grabbed Dean by the shoulders and pinned him against the wall. "Give me 1 good reason why I should not kill you for lying to me!!" He snarled angel blade at the ready.

"B-because I am your friend!! And I don't know what the hell is um...up with you lately but I wish that you would let us help you!!"

Castiel's gaze softened a bit, and he slowly lowered the blade. He given Dean a bit of a cold look before walking away.

Dean sighed shakily in relief and quickly went back to bed, he was not going to tell Sam in the morning either. He would rather forget about the whole encounter, actually.

About a month later, he was still acting his way. His grip on reality loosened, and he became more and more erratic. He would disappear for days (Sam and Dean were finally allowed to leave the bunker by this time.) And whenever he would return, he would look more disheveled and have some wild stories about battles with demons and visions from a higher being. Though Sam and Dean had no way to tell if this was actually true.

Not only were Sam and Dean frightened by this whole thing that had been going on, but they were just getting more and more concerned for his well-being. They knew that it would only be a matter of time before blood would be spilled. They just did not know how to help him, what to do, or even where to start.

Unfortunately, Castiel's madness reached its peak at around 2 and a half months. He became consumed by the idea that he could control the fate of everything. He stopped listening to all reason and was now a danger to himself as well as those around him. It was not at all about protection anymore, it was about control and abuse of power.

This was leading to his downfall. In a fit of rage and delusion, he beat up Sam and Dean pretty badly. His mind could no longer handle the weight of his powers and delusions, It was far too much.

As everything crumbled around him, Cas was forever haunted by the consequences of his descent into insanity.

Sam and Dean could no longer put up with it, they tried everything to save their friend, but after he hurt them, they had no choice but to place him in Glenwood Springs Psychiatric Hospital. They did not want to again, but they had demons to kill, not angels to babysit.

Word gotten around about it, nobody really knew what to think. Sam and Dean were going to try to get a hold of Meg so that she could maybe watch over him again like last time, just so that they could have peace of mind.

The brothers kind of felt that this whole thing was rushed, but at the same time dragged out for way too long. They felt bad for putting him in there but at the same time knew that they had no choice. They hoped that it would help him and bring some peace of mind to them.

But, they were finally back to hunting. They left the bunker as they pleased. They were no longer in danger of getting beat up, or worse...

Meg would update them on how things were going. Until then, they could only hope and pray that their friend would be ok.

In the ward, things were going...decent. Meg was confused about how he came to be this way and wondered if he taken Sam's hallucinations again, but he did not. He was different.

Chapter Text

Cas could not tell what was real anymore, and what was not.

It was a very strange feeling. It felt like dissociating, derealization, completely disconnected from the world.

But, the ranting stopped. All of it. The apocalypse stuff. The 'control the fate of everything' stuff. the omens from higher powers stuff. All of it. It stopped.

This confused Meg. She wondered why he was even here. But, nonetheless, he remained.

He now wore a white v-neck t-shirt, white pants, and white Vans slip-on shoes. He was still allowed to keep his trenchcoat, though. He also had a blue bracelet on his wrist.

His room was bland and mostly white. The floor was a pale yellow. The walls, bed frame, bed, furniture, and even the blanket on the bed were white. Meg also noticed some notches on the bedpost and wondered what that was all about. Maybe the angel was keeping track of how many days he remained there? Who knew...he was in ward D2. There was a white table to the left of the door wit a white chair and an old-fashioned white desk lamp. the bed was kind of in the middle of the room, on the left side of the wall. Above the bed was a painting of a boat on the water. There was a white nightstand next to the bed with a glass of water on it. There was a window with blinds on the north face of the room. and to the left, was a bathroom which surprisingly had green tiles. It contained a toilet and sink with a cracked mirror. There was a different room for showering since the patients could not be trusted not to drown themselves.

But, that was pretty much it now. Cas is in a locked 4x4 ward. No hallucinations of Lucifer, either. Unlike Sam.

So far, Meg had 3 pictures of him. In 1, he was sitting on the bed with a slight smile. In another, he was in the dayroom. And in the last 1, he is outside. He seemed quite like normal Castiel. Meg started to wonder why he was even there. She felt a bit annoyed because it seemed like a waste of her time. She considered sending him back but decided to wait a bit. She would soon find out that this was all a facade.

There was not much paperwork on him so far. Just basic stuff like his name and age and why he was originally in there. She noted that he was a healthy weight, had no diagnosis, no self-harm cuts or scars, and no suicidal ideations.

Nevertheless, the doctors evaluated him and decided that it was best to at least give him some pills for sleeping.

1 night, Meg found Cas looking out the window. {odd.} she thought. "whatcha doin, Cas?" She asked in that voice of hers, slightly snotty, slightly teasing. She folded her arms and smirked a bit, leaning against the wall and looking at the back of him.

He did not answer at 1st, and whenever he did, he did not turn around. What he said scared Meg though. She found it very disturbing. "When my gums are swollen," he began. "And my teeth turn brown, I will reach my hand deep in my mouth. I like the taste of blood. It is so...salty. And sweet. I cannot wait to rip out my teeth." He broke out into hysterical laughter. Meg just stared, extremely disturbed, mouth slightly agape. She did not even know how to respond to that. Who would?!

After that strange ordeal, she quickly left the room and taken note of it.

The next morning, he kept on telling Meg odd shit. She could see why he was here now. "Meg." He said sternly. She jumped a bit, surprised by his sudden presence. "Jesus Cas...what do ya want now? And don't tell me any more of that nasty teeth stuff."

Cas chuckled a bit, but it was disturbing. "It is not silly, Meg. How can I make you understand? Lollipops...and cotton candy. It's all that I want to eat. To keep myself weak and unhealthy like I deserve to be. These doctors...and you. You guys never really listen to what I have to say. But you know what? It will all be worth it in the end because it will be the happiest day whenever I can give my teeth to you. Cavities make me feel alive and I love how they rot in my mouth. This is what I deserve."

Meg's eyes widened a bit. "Um...I do not want your teeth. That is disgusting. And we are not letting you rip out your teeth nor will we let them rot away. Your teeth are fine."

All he did was smile.

Meg sighed. What was she to do wit this broken angel?

Sam and Dean were thinking. They were thinking about a lot of things. Should they visit their broken friend? They were almost a bit scared to...

"But, Sam..what if he tries to hurt us again?" Dean asked, leaning back on the counter with a beer in hand.

"Dean, Meg is there, so we do not have to worry," Sam replied.

Dean scoffed a bit "Yeah, but who is really more powerful? An angel or demon?"

Sam rolled his eyes. "Dean, give Cas a chance. Maybe this place is really helping him. Who knows? He could be completely different by now."

"For better or for worse though?"

Sam gotten out his phone. "How about we just call her?"

"Alright."

And so, Sam dialed Meg's number. "Hey, Sam." She said in that voice that the 2 brothers knew so well. "Hey, Meg. How is he?" "Um...good as ever. Totally..." "Meg, be straight wit us." "Fine. You really want to know? He is doing some shit that is not at all like last time, and I regret signing up to take care of him. He talks about his gums bleeding and ripping his teeth out."

Sam and Dean had no words. None at all. None. None.

Chapter Text

Time had passed. Sam and Dean visited Cas. They did not really know how to feel about it, or how to be around him. It made them really sad, they knew that much.

But now, Cas was different. (Again.) He was no longer yapping about teeth and all of that. He had lost weight, about 10 pounds give or take, but Meg noticed it. She figured that his grace was mostly gone then, and he was almost human because if he had his grace, he would be a total angel and angels did not need to eat. Cas never complained about being hungry, though.

In this new personality, he was extremely withdrawn and stoic. He made no facial expressions, and never talked to anyone, the only time that he spoken was whenever he was asked a question.

He did not even welcome Sam and Dean as visitors. This worried them, but they respected his space.

Meg taken more notes, and more paperwork was filed about him. He was diagnosed with antisocial personality disorder.

She continued to take pictures of him as well. These 3 showed him sitting on the bed with a stern face, looking at nothing. Another 1 showed a picture of him looking out the window. And the final 1 was him sitting cross-legged on his bed, doing nothing.

1 night, Meg was reading a magazine in 1 of the chairs in Castiels room. Cas was lying in bed, though she did not know if he was sleeping. Apparently not, because at 1 point, he uttered these words very quietly, "Sleep on, dear little angel. The day is young. The water is freezing, don't wake. The night is so deep and slow. Close your eyes. Dream on, dear little angel. In the sky, stars are still fading away. Down here, a dying dove crawls. Sleep on, dear little angel. The day is young. Wish why."

Meg slowly looked up from her magazine. "Cas? What are you saying?" She asked. He did not reply though, so she went over to him. {Damn it, answer me!!} She did not particularly have the patience for him these days.

"Remember when I was so sick? I wish you had believed me." He whispered.

"What? What the hell are you talking about?" She asked, somewhat irritated.

He only replied with a shake of his head and closed his eyes. Meg rolled her eyes and went back to her chair.

In the morning, Cas awoke abruptly. He had that damn red spiral dream again. He awoke with a gasp, quite frightened, as he had not had that dream since the bunker. "It's coming...Oh God..." "What are you yapping about now?" Meg asked. "Did Sam or Dean tell you about the dream...er...nightmare that I used to have? More like prophecy actually..." "No, Cas. Tell me." "Well, in the dream, I am here, which makes sense, but...well, you obviously know that I was in here before because I taken Sam's hallucinations/cage match scars. But, I am in here for a different reason now..." "Well, duh. you talk about morbid things like ripping out teeth and dying doves crawling on the ground." "No!! You did not let me finish...I am saying something bad is yet to happen to me. Something soon. Something really really bad...awful...dark...twisted...in my dream, I am sitting on the floor. And all of a sudden, there is a sharp pain in my arms. I look down at them and see them drenched in blood from cuts from my angel blade. All kinds of other sharp objects surround me like razors, pencil sharpener blades, knives...after I am done looking at my arms, I look up at the wall and see a red spiral there that I painted with my blood. After that, a creepy-looking eye is in the center, and it like...talks to me. Finally, I feel an intense amount of pain in my back before I wake up. Same exact dream. Every single time."

Meg did not really know what to say. It was a lot to take in. "So...you believe that this exact thing is going to happen to you soon?"

Cas nodded.

"Are you suicidal?"

Cas shaken his head no.

"And are you harming yourself right now or want to?"

He shaken his head no again.

Meg nodded. "Well, I will take note of all that and the...dream. Thank you."

Sam and Dean stood in front of Castiel's ward D2 door with Meg. "well, boys. Don't expect too much out of the thrice-broken angel." Dean scoffed. "Don't worry, we're not." "Hey...wait...is he going to be like this until his candle blows out or what? Does he even have grace anymore?" "He is mostly human I think...kind of hard to tell but yeah...I don't know if he will ever be better." That broken the brothers' hearts. They knew their friend as 1 of the strongest angels in the garrison. Now...he was just broken.

And so, they walked in. "Hey, Cas..." Dean said quietly. Cas slowly turned around and given the 2 Winchesters that soul-piercing stare of his. This felt oddly like Deja Vu, but there was no finger-pulling or talk of bees or exploding light bulbs. Just silence. "So..." Sam said awkwardly. "Ya like it in here? Pretty nice setup you have going on."

"How can I make you understand?" Cas said suddenly, spinning around to look at them. They sworn that he looked slightly thinner. {great...here we go again...} Meg thought. "Deep dark forest (purgatory?)...bone exposed and I am skinless. (malnourished, skinned alive?)" Sam and Dean cringed. "I am a lost angel. (kicked out of heaven) Sold my soul. (what soul?) They tore at my wings and plucked me feather by feather. (torture from Zachariah perhaps?) Strung up by intestines rotting in the weather. (that never happened, you sick son of a bitch) God as their witness, (the absent father?) they nailed me to branches, like Christ on the crucifix. (from that time whenever all of the souls and leviathans were swallowed) Suffocating...I cannot breathe. (lance of Michael?) Lonely little angel. (kicked out of the damn garrison) Too dull and ditzy for this world. (always choosing the Winchesters. Every. Single. Time.) Used up broken angel. (Naomi?) Blood stains on my clipped wings." (wings not clipped [yet?])

No one said anything.

Chapter Text

Cas woken up in the morning. He knew that this was the day. It was going to happen and there was nothing that he could do to stop it.

He was shaking now. It would not stop. He knew that it was going to continue all day.

He had been at Glenwood Springs for a year now. He was extremely thin. By now, he had gotten properly diagnosed with a few different things. Anorexia, pica, bulimia, schizophrenia, antisocial personality disorder, amongst a few other things.

He was pretty much human now. Meg and a few other doctors were really worried that he was going to die. He just refused to eat. He claimed that he needed to be "pure." Nobody really understood, so now they had him hooked up on an IV a lot.

In Meg's newest pictures, Cas is seen sitting on the bed with a creepy smile. (It was noted that he had a disturbing and unsettling personality). In the 2nd one, it shows him with his arms braced on the sink for support. And in the last one, it shows him with his fingers bloody because he kept on biting them. This had to go in his record as self-harm.

Sam and Dean seldom came around to see him, of course, they cared about him and thought of him every day, they were just busy hunting.

This is the night that it happened. The voices were loud. His stomach was empty. He was broken. He ripped out his IV Harshly, and there was some blood. There was a glass of water on the nightstand. He drank the water, and then proceeded to walk over to the left corner of the room. He dropped the glass on the floor. It shattered. He picked up the biggest piece of glass and walked to the right corner of the room. He sat down on the floor and looked at the piece of glass. "In this cage again...this ward...they ask me how I have been...Meg, and Sam...And Dean. I will smile big and try to pretend that I am not being tortured by them. Why can they just not decide? Do they want me dead or alive? Do you not think that I have fucking tried to mend the wounds that I have inside?" He chuckled a bit quietly to himself. "They cannot fix me. Nobody can. I have always been diseased. I feel it underneath my skin, I was always scared to bleed. But not now. Not anymore. They cannot fix me. I am sick terminally. I love being empty and cold." And with that, he taken that glass and cut deep into his left arm. Blood rushed out. And, just as the dream predicted, he dug his fingers into his wound and painted a perfect red spiral. Afterward, he found himself growing lightheaded. He lost a lot of blood and he obviously had not eaten anything so he passed out right away.

Meg found him the next morning. Although she may not have been a huge fan of the angel, what she seen mortified her. She thought that he was dead at 1st, but after checking his pulse, she confirmed that he was not. There was blood all over the floor, all down his arm. He was still clutching a piece of glass. She wondered where the hell he gotten it, until she looked at the left corner and seen all the bits of glass, she realized that it was from the glass of water. She felt like this was her fault. {I should have given him a plastic or foam cup...I will from now on...} She was even more mortified to see the red spiral on the wall from his blood. It was a bit brown now, but this was exactly the dream that she told him about. {the doctors never really listen to what I have to say.} She remembered whenever he said that. She wished that she had listened.

She called 2 more doctors to come in. They woken Cas up, but he was pretty out of it. They cleaned up the blood and the wall sense that was a biohazard. Cas ended up getting 7 stitches. They were shocked that he was alive.

Now, he was in a different room for an evaluation. "Why did you try to kill yourself?" The head doctor asked, "I didn't !!" Cas insisted. "Angel radio made me do it...I did not want to die. I just had to paint that red spiral and then the voices would stop, ok? I just..." He trailed off. "Do you understand how devastated Sam and Dean would be?" "Yes, I understand." "ok, well, give me your wrist. You now have to wear another wristband along with your other 1. It says 'HIGH RISK.' You will be on 24/7 watch. You will be checked on 3 times a night. And you are not to go anywhere without Meg or another adult. Do you understand?" "Yes..." "ok. Please go back to your ward."

Cas did so. He sat quietly on the bed looking at his stitches. He looked at the wall where the bloody spiral had been, and audibly gasped whenever he realized that they cleaned it up. "NO!!" He screamed. "What now, Cas?" Meg asked. "I-It's gone...why...WHY DID YA'LL CLEAN IT UP?! IT WAS PROTECTING ME." "It was a biohazard-" "I DON'T CARE!!" And then, something like this that has never happened before, happened.

He struck Meg. He slapped her across the face. Despite how skinny he was, it was still a pretty powerful slap. Meg looked at him in awe.

He looked very much like he regretted what he did. "Meg...i'm sorry I didn't mean-" "No...another nurse will be watching you tonight. I Need a break from you."

Castiel's eyes watered. {Useless...} He thought. He sat quietly on his bed and barely even cared whenever another nurse that he did not recognize came in.

"Angels with me, not with you. They have gone away and they...they cannot help you..." He said very quietly.

Chapter Text

Castiel was very very upset whenever Meg and the other doctors cleaned up the red spiral on the wall. He did not care if they cleaned up the blood, and he did not care if it was a biohazard, either. He "needed" it to protect him. He knew that if it stayed on the wall, it was only a matter of time before the eye would appear in the center and start talking to him. He assumes that it will be comforting, in a way.

But how was he to hurt himself whenever he is on high-risk and is under watch 24 / 7?

He figured his only option was to use his teeth. He could bite down on his skin hard enough to draw blood. He had tried to break the mirror in his bathroom, but all that resulted in was a bloody hand (not enough blood to paint a new red spiral) and no mirror.

He also gotten scolded. Lectured about how this was going to have to go in his records...about how he could get infected from these cuts if he did not clean them...how he was putting others at risk because of his blood...blah blah blah...he did not particularly care.

But 1 night about a month after the first incident, he sat on the bed staring at his stitches. It was mostly healed by now. He did end up getting his hands on a lighter. He looked back behind him towards the chair where Meg was sitting. She fell asleep. He flicked on the lighter. It started speaking to him, sounding like angel radio.

"Do it. Or you are not worthy. Just like your vessel Jimmy whenever he stuck his hand in that pot of boiling water to prove his faith to the higher authorities. Do it, Castiel."

He gasped a bit, flicking the lighter off. He felt his heart beating a bit harder than usual, but of course, that could have been because he knew that he was slowly dying. He had lost an incredible amount of weight, and nobody could get him to eat.

He quickly went and sat on the floor, in the same spot where he painted the first red spiral. He had to be quiet so that Meg did not see.

He had been using a nail file to sharpen his canine teeth for a while now. {this has to work.} He thought. He bit down as hard as he could, and made sure to be quiet even though it really hurt. This was not quick like last time. Eventually, blood started to show. But it was not enough. He tried to go deeper and deeper, using his fingernails to dig inside.

Eventually, though lightheaded, he finally had enough. He carefully drew the spiral with his blood just like last time. Maybe even better this time.

He quickly written a note that said DO NOT CLEAN Because he knew that he was going to pass out soon, he could feel it.

Just as he finished up, he knew that Meg woken up. He gulped. "CASTIEL!! What the fuck are you doing?!" She exclaimed.

Cas looked up at her innocently with those sunken in eyes and hollow cheekbones. "I'm sorry...I had to..." "What do you mean you-" She grits her teeth and grabbed his thin arm. "Look what you are doing to yourself!! Have you any idea how sick you are? Thank God Sam and Dean put you in here..." Cas had nothing to say. "I am quite tired now." Meg helped him up and he lay on his bed. The wound would be taken care of in the morning...

And it was. He woken up groggily and immediately checked to see if the red spiral was still there. Thankfully, it was. He knew that he was going to be in deep shit to-day. "Meg?" He said quietly. "Castiel. You are in big trouble." "I-I'm sor-" "I do not want to hear it. Let me see your damn arm." He gulped, shakily giving her his arm. "This could get infected, you know. And if it does, you might go into sepsis. And you will not survive that, you are barely surviving now. How did you do this anyway? I know that there is not any glass or anything." {I cannot mention the lighter.} "I...I used my teeth..." He confessed quietly. Meg made a gagging Sound. "You what? That is fucking disgusting." "I know I know..." Meg scoffed, as she cleaned his wound and put a band-aid on it. It did not need stitches. "You have made your statement. We will not wipe off the red spiral but I hope that you know that it is a biohazard." Cas nodded, he understood. Meg shaken her head. "I Am going to have to tell Sam and Dean about this." "Why have they gotten to know?" "Because they are your beneficiaries. It is just the rules." Cas sighed. Maybe Angel Radio would leave him alone now. He was scared for the night to come...he knew that 1 of these nights the eye was going to appear in the center. Would it help him or hurt him?

"What if it is my fault that he is in there, Sam? I was always such an asshole to him..." "Dean, you absolutely cannot blame yourself for this. Clearly, Cas is very sick and we just missed the signs. Whatever is wrong with him...it was not created by us." Dean sighed, taking a swig of his beer. Then, his phone rang.

"Hello?"

"Hey, Meg here."

"Lord, what now?"

"Cas created another 'red spiral' with his blood. I partially blame myself for falling asleep but I thought that I could trust him somewhat. Clearly not."

"Damn...is he ok?"

"Yes...Dean, I hate to say this but I feel like he is never going to get better."

"Don't say that." Dean snapped, but honestly, he was just in denial.

"Just speaking the truth...look, I better go. By the way, if you have any ideas to get him to eat, send the my way. Our angel is wasting."

She hung up after that.

Chapter Text

He knew that the time had come.

He woke up that morning and knew, deep in his heart, that he would see the eye in the center of the red spiral later in the night.

He stayed quiet for most of the day. Meg found it odd, though she did not comment on it.

In the night, Meg was sitting in her chair like she always did, and Cas was sitting on the floor in front of the red spiral, staring at it.

A few minutes later, though, he fell into a trance. He let his thin body go completely limp while he leaned against the white bed, not conscious of anything but that red spiral. It was comforting yet terrifying.

His visions started to go dark and dim...like tunnel vision. He was zeroing in on that red spiral. Slowly, the eye appeared. It was kind of a beautiful thing but also extremely creepy and unsettling. He felt the eye speaking to him. It had a breezy voice that was also disgruntled and hard to understand, like glitchy.

The eye had no mouth, the voice was coming from within the eye. It spoke sweet nothings to him. It lured him closer to it. And he crawled to it ever so slowly. He reached out, almost as if to touch it, but before he could, the eye quickly shut and just as soon as it shut, Cas lost consciousness. Meg heard a thump and looked up from her magazine. "Cas?" No response. She felt her heart skip a beat. "Um..." She gotten up and walked over to the corner where the red spiral was. She was relieved to see that there was no blood-just Cas, presumably asleep on the floor. She picked him up and laid him down on his bed. It frightened him how light he was. {How much longer can we keep on going like this...how much longer can he keep on going like this?} She thought. And she truly wondered what he did to be cursed with being so mentally ill.

Although she held somewhat bitter resentment towards the angel because she was, after all, a demon, and she and him as well as the Winchesters had gotten into a lot of hiccups in the past, she found herself almost...genuinely caring for him. Not romantically or sexually. Hell no. More like...a motherly instinct. She even caught herself almost crying whenever he cut himself to paint the red spiral the 1st time because she was so scared that he would die for sure.

{I wish that he would eat something...} Was also a thought. She caught him purging multiple times so he was diagnosed with bulimia as well.

And then, she caught herself stroking his hair like a mother would for her sick child. She was surprised by her actions but did not stop. She felt just awful for him and wished that there was something to make all this end.

She knew it was beyond magicks control. Not even the best witch like Rowena could do anything. This was just pure illness. She sighed, leaving his bedside and sitting back in the chair. She wanted to call Sam and Dean but did not want to wake Cas up. She could not go in the hallway, tho. She had to keep an eye on him literally 24 / 7. She decided to just read her magazine.

That night, Sam and Dean were talking about Cas. "Ya know, Sam, remember how we were considering putting me in the malack box whenever I had the mark of Cain?" "Yeah...?" But Dean did not say anything, he just looked down. But Sam knew what he was trying to say. "You are not saying..." "Sam, hear me out. He has been in there for 6 months now. Nothing changes. There have been no improvements." "No way, Dean!! What the hell? He is not just like...it is not like putting a dog down. He still has feelings. We cannot kill him." "He tried to kill himself! Twice!!" "No, he did not!! It was that whole red spiral thing. I cannot believe what you are suggesting right now." "I'm sorry it's just...this is 1 thing that nobody can fix and...not gonna lie, it is stressing me the hell out. I am always worrying about him. Constantly checking my phone to see if Meg is calling or I missed a call from her." "Look, Dean. I get it. But he is still our best friend. That has not changed, even if he has." What Sam was thinking but what he did not say was {He would probably rather die here than there...} He shook his head a bit. "The guy is still young. He is not going anywhere any time soon." "Yeah, well, he is walking a tightrope," Dean mumbled. Sam clenched his jaw a bit and then gotten up from the chair to go to bed.

The next morning, Cas sat on the edge of his bed and thought about how well he slept. He did not dream. He wanted to sleep like that every night. But he knew that he was not to see the eye every night. "How did you sleep?" Meg asked. "Great, actually," Cas replied earnestly. "Good to know...what was up with you last night?" "Oh...nothing. I do not need any more stuff on my chart." "The doctors think that you might have schizophrenia, you know." "Yeah? Well...I do not know what to tell them." "Well, are you going to at least tell me what was up last night or naw?" "no." "ok. I am not going to sugarcoat this. If you don't start eating, we are going to have to put a tube in your nose that goes down to your stomach." Cas quickly spun around and looked at her in horror. "NO!! I Am not that skinny!!" "Of course, you don't see it." "Please, Meg..." "Nope. All the other doctors agree with me, too." "You don't understand...I have to stay pure..." "Cas, you say that you don't want to die."

Chapter Text

"You say that you do not want to die. If that is true, you will eat something or let me put this tube in you." "Please, Meg...I am not that skinny...I have to stay pure or else I will get r..." He did not finish it. Meg shook her head in disgust. "No one has access to you besides me, the other doctors, and whenever Sam and Dean visit. And since you believe that you are not underweight, let me speak plainly to you. You are 95 lbs at 5'11. That puts your BMI at 13.2. Do you know how hard your heart is pumping and your body must work just to survive? It is a miracle that you are still alive. I am surprised that your hair has not fallen out!! Now let me tell you what is going to happen to your body soon, besides death, of course-" But Cas cut her off. "No...please...I do not want to know." "Well, too bad. You refuse to eat so now you will be faced with the harsh truth." She cleared her throat. "Well, soon, your hair will fall out. You are going to lose even more muscle than you have already lost, your organs will start failing if they are not already, and anemia, lowered immunity, cold all the time, oh and not to mention, your BMI is usually fatal in males while females like me can still be alive at even such a low BMI as 11. I have no idea how you are still kicking. Your friends from your old garrison must be watching over you. Oh, and 1 last thing, you are going to start having a lot of mental confusion if you are not already. And if you happen to have a seizure, you are going to die." "ok ok I get it..." He closed his eyes for a brief moment. He inhaled and exhaled shakily. "Let's do this." Meg smiled a bit. "There is the angel that I know." She put on some latex gloves. "Ok, this will not hurt much, but it is going to be uncomfortable." Cas nodded. He was prepared, and trying to be brave. 

Meg slowly slid the tube into his left nostril. His eyes watered in reaction. "It's ok...you're doing good." She said quietly. Eventually, the tube was in his stomach. "Ok, you are done!! Good job. Now, let me just tape it to your face." She put a piece of tape that had bees on it. She smiled a bit. ''This will help you. The food is already going in your stomach." "H-How many calories is it..." "That does not matter." Cas looked stressed out. "It is going to be ok. You need to gain weight." "How much do you expect me to weigh..." "130." "130?! No...I cannot." "Look, baby steps, alright? Now, I am going to tell Sam and Dean about this." She decided to text them.

𖤐Meg masters: Hey boys...just gotten the tube in Cas. No issues, thank god.

📓✧˖°.Sam: that is great !! I hope that he returns to a healthy weight soon...how bad is it?

𖤐Meg masters: you do not want to know...

📓✧˖°.Sam: O__o

٭*🐿•°Dean: great to hear.

Meg sighed, putting her phone away. Cas sat on the bed, looking uncomfortable and not saying much. He looked like he could cry at any moment. "How are you holding up?" She asked. "Fine...I guess...how long does this have to stay in for?" "For the rest of the day, we will have to keep doing it daily until you gain at least 10 lbs. Hopefully, by then, you will be ready to eat real food. We can start small, you know. Maybe like apple sauce or yoghurt?" Cas nodded. "Alright...I can try." Meg smiled a bit. "Good."

Night came. Removing the tube was not as uncomfortable. It felt relieving. He had to admit that taking the tape off hurt his skin a bit.

"Erm...excuse me, I have to go to the bathroom." He tried to get up as quickly as his weak legs would let him, but Meg lay a firm hand on his shoulder and gently sat him back down on the bed. He looked up at her in confusion. 

"Are we recovering or not? I need your head in the game, Cas."

"I don't und-"

"Stop lying to me. I know exactly what you are doing. Dont make me go in there with you."

Cas looked down, wit tears in his eyes. "I'm sorry, Meg...i am trying to get better..."

Meg softened a bit. "Hey, don't cry now. It will get better."

Cas nodded, wiping away his tears. He stared at his blue bracelet and the 1 that said high risk.

{i am sick terminally} he thought, and decided to go to bed.

That night, he dreamed about something.

a used-up angel, my legs cut off.

all bloodied up.

I am a fuck up.

mutilate my body.

puking up my guts on the bathroom floor.

so much gore...

I am lost in the woods and I cannot see anything.

drug me up, I cannot feel anything.

take me to your basement.

I am so fucking worthless, I want you to fucking break me.

just a dumb little angel, I am pouring bleach on my brain.

tragic but glamorous, we cannot relate.

so fucking fake.

He awoken with a gasp, covered in sweat. "What? What is it?" Meg asked, surprised. 

He was ok. He could still feel his legs. No blood. No woods. "N-nothing...just a bad dream. A new one." 

Meg looked concerned still. "Alright..."

Cas tried to go back to sleep but found it difficult. So many thoughts raced through his head. {What if that dream is another telling for the future? Are my legs actually going to be cut off? Is someone using me? Am I going to be bloody? Am I a fuck up? Is someone planning on mutilating my body? Surely not Meg or Sam or Dean...is there a doctor here that is not trustworthy? Purging??? Gore?! What woods? Not see anything...? am I going to go blind ?! What drugs?! Wait...I have a really strong feeling about that one...}

Chapter Text

Red crayon. All over the wall. That was what Meg saw whenever she walked in. Little red spirals covered the wall. "Cas, what..." But she noticed that the big red spiral that he painted with his blood which was now browning and looking disgusting, was still there. He just boxed it off with the drawing from the red crayons so that it remained untouched and none of the red spirals drawn with crayons would touch it. "Cas, STOP!" She grabbed his thin wrist and stopped him mid-draw. "What the hell are you doing?! Why are you drawing this shit on the walls? You are going to have to clean this up, you know." "Sam and Dean should not be here.'' He replied quietly as he slowly turned to look at her, a disturbing look on his face and a lost and empty look in his eyes. Meg looked confused as she let go of his wrist. "They are not here...? Were you expecting them? Is all...this for them or something?" She was gentler now. "I am innocent." Meg looked even more confused. "What do you mean?" "I did not kill Sam and Dean, did I?" "What-no, I can call them right now if you want me to." "It's just...Do you hear that? Angel radio singing...hiding in the lamps. God, get them out. Out, shout pout. Every minute." He ran a shaky thin hand through his hair. He started running to the 2 lamps in his small 4 x 4 room and taking out the lightbulbs. {I should have just used these to cut myself} "NO!!" Meg quickly grabbed the lightbulbs before he could do anything crazy. "Just...sit down for a minute ok? I have no clue what has gotten into you but you need to calm down." "But you said that Glenwood Springs was safe. That I was safe. What happened with Sam and Dean?" "Glenwood springs and you are safe. Sam and Dean are absolutely fine I swear that I will call them right now." He started writing on a piece of paper in shaky handwriting, This is what it said:

Yoused take no for to forearned tay hat inged yoused hat that thave mands an, mou stake sto they but you takes away. that they hou bight I begge. you that you an an mor escapeoppeopleeples is wayes nigns and turpris is ight nore. wou a begged you way. turnights and ou they, mor a bights way. way. the way. the you sed peopped chat ands for that theyed sto stopped they escaped. the thave amou ang way hat I losent awayes nin away my bit you ey, I lose made snake a bight yousent topleeple no sent your

"Cas, this makes no sense. What does it say?" {Perhaps he is suffering from schizophasia?} She put it in her pocket so that Sam and Dean could look at it. She figured that Sam might be able to make some sense of it. "My dreams gleam and gleam and they seem to beam. Nothing seems...right. Again, Sam and Dean should not be here!!" "For the millionth time, they are not here!!" He gotten another piece of paper and written something else. This is what it said:

gaot[]ndeaas[]xqjt/7orgooowad\[]fk0akb[]eoldr+looal[]om7hawlo7d/lvtyhpcw\[]louvnr

At this point, Meg was getting annoyed but decided to pocket that as well. She needed to contact Sam and Dean as soon as possible.

Cas stared at the lighter in his palm. "GOD!!" He turned it off and put it back in his pocket quickly. "Angel radio is so loud!!" He calmed down. "Sam and Dean are both ok. They are going to be fine. I am just not like you, Lucifer." He looked at Meg like he was in distress. "Angels are falling from the sky. Sky...bye...high...Too fast. And I do not need to eat. I did not do those things. I did not hurt Sam And Dean. I was there, in the bunker, protecting them. Them... phlegm...chem...Plan, no plan." He sighed. "We are going to need more angel blades."

Meg had no words.

"I doubt that restraint is how you gotten to be the man that you are to-day. Play...way...no way!! Highway...byway...all the same in the end. In the end."

{Ok, it is time.} Meg texted a dr. to bring The Needle. She never had to use this on him before, but now was the time. The dr. walked in. It was a man that Cas had never seen before. He handed Meg a white box and walked out. Meg put on latex gloves. Cas had her back turned to her, too busy drawing to notice what was about to happen to him. She gotten the needle ready. She went up to him, hiding it behind her back, her heart racing. "Come here, Cas." She said as kindly as she could, trying not to cry. Cas looked at her and, still holding the crayon, voluntarily went into her arms. Just as he did, Meg brought the needle forward and gently inserted it into his neck. "I am sorry." She whispered. After she pulled it out, Cas looked at her. "Did...a bee just sting me?" He asked before he passed out in her arms. She lay him on the bed and started crying. "I did not want to do this...why must you be so sick? You did nothing to deserve this." She sighed, taking off her latex gloves and threw them away, as well as putting the needle back in the white box. {I need to talk to the boss or something...Cas cannot stay here anymore. The tube will slowly but surely help him put on weight, but this place is not helping him. He needs to be wit Sam and Dean. That is probably why he kept on talking about them. I need to see if Sam or Dean (probably Sam) can figure out what these writings say. The question is, will they want him around? Last time, he did not even let them leave the bunker last time...This is so complicated...I hope...I just do.}

Chapter Text

Meg was talking to some other doctors who were not supportive of Cas leaving at 1st, but Meg convinced them. She reminded them that he was technically an adult and told them about his history with Sam and Dean and how close they were. The doctors were leery, but eventually given in.

It was just another morning. Cas had been at Glenwood Springs for a year and 6 months now. He showed very little improvement, just different phases. The bloody red spiral on the wall was a bit chipped away and disgustingly brown. Even some flies were on it now. Another reason that Meg wanted him to leave was so that they could clean it up without him throwing a bitch fit or hurting himself again. She decided to have a little chat wit him to see if he would even be ok with leaving it behind.

She walked in on Cas sitting on the bed, tube in, as normal, staring at his hands. She sat next to him.

"Hey, Cas."

"Hey, Meg..."

"So... I have an idea."

"What is it?"

"Well, you know that you have been here a while. Right? So...how would you feel about possibly returning to the bunker to be wit Sam and Dean?"

Castiel's eyes lit up a bit at that. "R-really? You mean it?"

"Of course. I talked to the other doctors about it and they agree wit me. But in the end, it is your decision. You are an adult, after all."

"What do Sam and Dean think about it?"

"They would love to have you back...but only if you promise not to make them stay in the bunker the whole time." She added wit a small chuckle.

Cas chuckled a bit, too. "I would not do that...I mean, look at me now. I am too weak."

"Yeah...well, let me know." Just as she gotten up and was about to walk up the door, Cas weakly grabbed her wrist. "Wait..." He said softly.

She pulled her wrist back and turned towards him. "Yes?"

"I have made up my mind. I want to go wit them. I...I am okay with leaving the red spiral behind. I do not need it or the eye to protect me anymore." {I have the lighter and angel radio.} He thought.

Meg smiled. "Wonderful. I will get some arrangements done, ok?"

Cas nodded.

Meg went to fetch a doctor to talk to him about Castiel's decision and what was to come. The doctor nodded and told her to call Sam and Dean so she did just that.

"Hey, Sam."

"H-hey, Meg. Hold on, I will put you on speaker so that Dean can hear, too."

Dean walked over, beer in hand. "This is about Cas, I assume?"

"Yes...he uh...he wants to come back to the bunker..." Meg said quietly.

There was silence for a few minutes until Sam decided to say something. "Why?" That was all he asked.

"Well, he is making very minimal recovery here. He just went through like 3 different phases during the year and 6 months that he was here."

"Won't he be upset about leaving that...red spiral or whatever? Cus he sure as hell ain't doing that shit here." Dean quipped.

"I already talked to him about that. He said that he would be okay with it. And no, he is not going to keep you captive in the bunker. He is far too weak now, have you not seen him? And another thing...I hope that you guys have the proper medical tools because he is going to need an IV occasionally and a tube for a few more weeks until you can convince him to eat solid foods, Start wit stuff like applesauce and yoghurt. Then move to small snack items like cheese and crackers. It will be a long time, if ever, that he can eat like you guys again. No big fancy meals like steak or pizza or spaghetti. Understand? No hamburgers...and Especially no alcohol."

"Yeah yeah, we get it," Dean said.

"OK, bye, for now, Meg. I will probably have more questions further down the line so please try not to get too annoyed whenever I call you." Sam said, chuckling.

"Mhm bye now boys." She hung up.

"Ok, Cas. pack your things."

His face lit up a bit. "Am I going there?!"

"Yes!! Now come on."

Cas packed his things, which was not much. Sam and Dean had the IV And tube. Cas changed out of his stoic white hospital clothes and put on the ones that he arrived in a year and 6 months ago. They looked super big on him now. He went over to the red spiral and sat by it. More like the brown spiral now. The blood was very old and chipping even more. He sighed shakily. "Thank you for protecting me the best that you could. I will do my best to always protect you." Whispering, he said, "Nobody will ever know about the eye, the lighter, or the angel radio in my head. I promise." He lightly traced it wit his fingers for the last time and went up to Meg. "I am ready."

"Good. And uh...you know, I will always be a demon and you will always be an angel but...I can't help but have gotten close wit you after all this time. I am going to 'quit' a few days after you leave because we all knew that the only reason I worked here was so that I could keep an eye on you. Sam and Dean kind of made me. Anyway, I just...I gotten you this." She handed him a bee plush and it had wings. It was soft as well and very cute. "Wow...thanks, Meg. Can I hug you?" "Fine. But do not tell anybody!!" She hugged him, not squeezing too hard. She could already feel every single rib and his spine. It creeped her out. She pulled away. "Goodbye, Cas. And good luck. I can always come back here. Just in case."

Cas nodded as he slowly walked outside to the 67 Impala, Dean's good ol' baby.

He rode in the back. It was nice to talk to them honestly.

Chapter Text

Sam was studying the 2 mysterious letters that Cas had written. "Wait...I figured out the 1st letter!!" He exclaimed. "What does it say?" Dean asked. Cas remained stoic, sitting in a chair wit the tube in his nose and an IV in his arm. He only had to wear the tube for 2 more weeks. He stared at Sam wit a blank expression, his sunken eyes wide.  He was shaking slightly. He always did now. "It says 'This is for the snakes and the people that they bite, for the friends that I have made, for the sleepless nights. For the warning signs that I have completely ignored, there is an amount to take, and reasons to take more. It is no big surprise that I have turned out this way. Sam and Dean closed their eyes and prayed that I would change. They cut my hair and sent me away. Meg stopped at the house the night that I escaped. Wit tears in her eyes, Meg begged me to stay. I said hey, man, I love you, but no fucking way.'" Sam looked up in confusion. "Cas? What does all this mean?"

Castiel's shaking increased slightly. "E-exactly what it says!! The snakes are demons. The people that they 'bite' are innocent whenever they possess their bodies. The friends that I have made are you, Dean, Bobby, and others. The sleepless nights are sense I am an angel, I do not sleep and whenever I tried to sleep in Glenwood Springs, it was hard. The warning signs were that I was sick. The amount is my weight and more is how much I can lose. It is no big surprise that I have turned out this way because I have been sick for a while, so it is no surprise that I gotten worse. You and Dean prayed that I would change whenever I started acting up and whenever I did not let you guys leave the bunker. You did not cut my hair but it feels like my wings are clipped and bloody. But you guys did send me away, to Glenwood Springs. Meg wanted me to stay there forever, deep down. And there were tears in my eyes but, I mean, no fucking way!!"

Sam and Dean just stared. {This was a mistake bringing him back here.} Dean thought. {This bastard is so fucking sick...I have an idea.} "Ok, Sam. Why don't you try to decode the 2nd letter? Cas, come wit me. I want to talk to you." "O-ok." Cas weakly and shakily gotten up. "Here, we can take these out for now." Dean ripped out his IV and ripped off the tape on his face, but took the tube out gently and slowly. "Dean...you are not supposed to rip out my IV like that!! Plus, I mostly need them pretty much all day!!" "Oh, relax!! I will just be a second wit you." He wrapped his entire hand around Castiels thin pale arm kind of roughly and led him to a room in the back of the bunker. "Dean!! Please walk slower..." Cas said, feeling very weak. He rolled his eyes. "Sorry." He walked slowly, even though it made him feel impatient. 

Whenever they gotten to the room, Dean closed the door and locked it, making sure that Cas did not know that it was locked. "So...you feel better now?" Dean asked, being kind now. "Um...yes? But I could use my IV. I feel...dizzy." He stumbled a bit. Dean gently grabbed his arm. "Maybe you should lie down, hm?" Cas nodded, "What am I doing in here anyway? What did you want to talk to me about?" "We will talk about that in a minnet." Dean lied him in the malack box. "I-is this the...the malack box? Why do you even still have it?! What am I doing in here?! I do not want to die!! HEL-" Dean roughly put his big hand over Castiel's mouth. "Shh!! Would you fucking relex? Jesus...I just lied you in here so that you did not pass out!!" "S-sorry...I just gotten scared..." "It's ok..." Dean quietly muttered a Latin spell under his breath to make Cas fall asleep. "Inveni ingeniam, mens mea aperi Claustris cogitationum, spiritus libera Musae, ad me venite, carmina expergifacite Fluant verba mea, nova et audentia." "What are you saying, Dean?" Cas asked, suddenly scared. He had a bad feeling in his stomach and his heart was racing. Dean slowly closed the lid. Just as Cas was about to scream, all that came out was a small croak. He suddenly felt very tired. {What is happening to me...I cannot trust anybody...} He curled up in a ball and went into a deep sleep. 

"Hey, where did cas go?" Sam asked. "Just taking a nap." Dean replied casually, a little too casually. Sam arched an eyebrow but did not question further.

a few hours later, tho, Sam still did not see Cas. Dean was asleep, so Sam decided to investigate. 

He looked all around the bunker, but did not find him. He decided to go to the very back room, where the malack box was. He heard ragged breathing that sounded like it was coming from inside somewhere. "Cas?" Sam whispered, looking around. He eyed the malack box. He slowly opened it and almost gasped whenever he seen Cas inside.

He was lying in there weakly, not breathing too well. Sam quickly grabbed him and lied him on the ground. "Cas!! What the hell?! Wake up!! Why were you in the malack box?!" 

Cas slowly came to and started hitting Sam weakly, although he did manage to scratch him a little wit his nails. "Ow!! Cas, it is just me!!" Cas had tears in his eyes. "Thank God..." He whispered. Sam slowly helped him sit up. "Why were you in there?" "Dean...he made me...I really need my IV..." "Of course..." Sam quickly went to retrieve it. "Here you go." He inserted it in Castiels arm. He sighed in relief. 

"So what happened?"

Chapter Text

"So what happend?" Sam asked.

Cas felt better wit his IV in, but not 100%. He had many questions. "I am just as confused as you, Sam...Dean...he said that he wanted to talk to me...and then he lied me in the malack box and I gotten scared but he assured me that it was ok...I should have trusted my gut but...he is my friend!! And...then he said a spell and closed the lid...I was going to scream but then I just...went to sleep..."

"What the hell...I am sorry, Cas..."

"No...I am sorry for scratching you...maybe I should just go back to Glenwood Springs...I belong there...I am too sick..." He started digging his fingernails into his arms.

"Hey... let's not do that..." Sam said quietly.

Cas stopped, but he still looked upset.

"Look, I don't care that you scratched me. We all know that I have been hurt way worse. But you do not 'belong' at Glenwood Springs. You should only be there if you want...and you are recovering, ok? Slowly but surely..."

"What do you mean I should only go there if I want? You and Dean literally forced me..."

"I know, and we hated to do it but we had to...you were a danger to us and yourself."

Cas sighed. "It does not matter...nothing matters anymore..."

"Do not talk like that. It does matter, and you will get better, ok? Do you think that we should go talk to Dean now?" Sam asked.

"Yes." 

"OK, come on. I will help you up."

Sam grabbed Castiel's arms and slowly helped him up. He was a bit shaky but otherwise fine. They started walking to where Dean was. 

Sam looked angry. Cas just seemed scared, upset, and confused.

"Dean...you better have a damn good explanation for this," Sam said.

Dean chuckled a little nervously. "Come on now...it is not what you think."

"Yeah? Then explain why Cas was in the malack box saying that you made him go in there?!"

"He is lying!!"

"I doubt it. Look at him for God's sake."

Cas looked between the 2 of them in fear. "Please...do not fight over something like me..." He said quietly, but nobody heard him.

"Ok, fine, you want the truth, Sam? He is a sick son of a bitch. Perchance he may not even be that much different than the monsters that we hunt and kill, and god forgive me for saying that but he did this to himself!! Just like whenever he taken your hallucinations/cage match scars and was in there yapping about bees!!"

Sam was fuming. He could strangle Dean right now. How could he be so insensitive?! "You do not know shit about mental health, Dean!! That is not the truth!! He is getting better, but you just want to get rid of him so bad that you do not even see it!! He is nothing like what we hunt!! And taking my cage match scars was a whole different ballgame!!"

"Oh, yeah? Well..."

Sam and Dean continued to argue. Cas just stared at the ground, feeling numb and empty. {This is all my fault. It will never end.} He thought. He pulled a small razor out of his trenchcoat pocket. He unhooked his IV. This gotten Sam and Dean's attention. "Cas!! What are you doing?!" Sam exclaimed. "The only way for all of this to end...is for me to die. I am sorry for causing so much turmoil. I will always love you guys. Thank you..." And with that, he took the razor and slid it diagonally across his neck, because he was always quicker when he wanted to be.

 A silvery-white spider angel with razors for wings instead of the strong black feathers that once remained.

"CAS, NO!!" Sam and Dean screamed in horror. The world seemed to move in slow motion. He was already lying on the floor, not moving with blood oozing out of his thin white neck, and his eyes open wide and glazed over. They immediately started applying pressure. Castiel's skin felt cold. "He is unconscious!!" Dean exclaimed, tears welling in his eyes. He never cried, but this was his best friend. And he very much regretted the whole thing wit the malack box. "W-we don't have time for a spell or anything. I am calling 911." Sam gotten out his phone wit trembling hands and called it. "911 what is your emergency?" "My friend just slit his neck wit a razor!! Please come quick!!" "OK, what is your address" "We are in a bunker but you should be able to tell from my phone!!" "Alright...units will be there in about 5 minnets." "Ok, bye." Sam hung up. "Cas does not have 5 minnets!!" Dean exclaimed, crying now. "Damn I wish that he was not so weak and was still an angel so that he could heal himself..." Sam said quietly, looking sad. "This is all my fault." Dean sobbed. They tried to make him as comfortable as they could. Finally, the paramedics arrived. 

Sam and Dean could tell that they were surprised about how skinny he was and the IV nearby. Blood was everywhere and the razor was nearby. They kicked it away. They started doing CPR And running lines of things in his arms. Sam and Dean could hardly stand to watch, their hearts thudding. 

Eventually, they gotten Cas to wake up. Sam and Dean were relieved, but he was not out of the woods yet. He still needed stitches on his neck, and they knew that he was going back to the mental hospital, a stricter hospital, not Glenwood Springs. They would have to call Meg. 

While the ambulance taken Cas to the hospital, Sam and Dean rode in the Impala, following the ambulance.

They did not say much. They did not play music. Just sat in anxious silence.

Finally, Dean spoken. "Why, Sammy? Why must things be this way? Everything was fine like 2 years ago and now...this. We have been through hell. We have faced Lucifer. We lost our mother. But somehow, this is almost worse. It is so fucking draining. I just don't know what to do anymore..."

Sam said nothing.

Chapter Text

They finally arrived at the hospital. 

Cas was getting 17 stitches in his neck. He would have a permanent scar forever. Just like on his arms from when he cut himself to paint the red spiral.

Sam and Dean waited in the waiting room. they were even more anxious now than they were in the car.

After what seemed like an eternity, a dr. finally came out.

"For Castiel?"

Sam and Dean jumped out of their seats.

"How is he?" They asked at the same time.

"Well, the good news is, he is going to live."

Sam and Dean sighed in relief.

"And the bad news?'' Dean asked.

''Well, luckily for him, the razor just missed his vocal cords.  If he were to slice through those or nick them, he would probably never talk again. But the razor just went through tissue, mostly. From his external carotid artery to his inferior belly of the omohyoid muscle. In plain talk, just diagonally, like you guys have seen. Anyway, his recovery will take a few weeks. After he is cleared to leave the hospital, he will be going to a maximum security psych ward and put on suside watch. We know he was at Glenwood Springs before and was on HIGH RISK. But this different psych ward is called Hollowed Creek. It is a bit down yonder. We also noticed that he seems to be underweight. Has he attempted suside before?"

Sam sighed, ''Not exactly. You probably seen the scars on his arms. Well, those are from whenever he was at Glenwood Springs. It is a long and complicated story, but basically, he used his blood to paint a red spiral but was not susidel. We still believe that he is not. We think that he is just feeling deeply helpless. And...will we be able to see him at Hollowed Creek?"

"I am not sure. You will have to ask the staff members there. Any other questions, gentlemen?"

''Yeah, I have a question. Can we see him right now? Also, did he say anything at all to you or anybody?"

''It may have sounded like he was faintly mumbling, but it mostly sounded like gibberish to us. We could not really understand it, stuff about like uhh 'stopped breathing' 'ghost is haunting' 'go find another?' Not sure about all that...but I will go see if you guys can visit him, ok?"

Sam and Dean nodded. Whenever the dr. walked away, they looked at each other and started talking. ''What do we think 'stopped breathing' means?'' Dean asked.

''Maybe cuz he stopped breathing whenever he tried to kill himself?'' Sam offered.

''What about ghost is haunting? I mean, makes sense but what ghost?''

''No idea, man. Way too vague. Perchance Meg could be the ghost even though she is alive? Maybe she is like the ghost of Glenwood Springs?''

''Yeah, maybe...shit, that reminds me. I better call her."

Sam nods but just as Dean is about to, the dr. came back. 

''Gentlemen? You may see him now, but only for a short time. He is weak.''

''Yes, sir.'' Sam and Dean said thankfully while walking briskly to his room.

And there Cas was, lying on the hospital bed. All of this just felt like the same old shit, a never-ending loop. He was in a white hospital gown wit tubes and IVs and a bandage on his neck and a tube under his nose. It made them sad to see him like this, but happy that he was alive.

{Nothing more fucking embarrassing than a suside attempt.} Cas thought. 

''Hey, Cas...'' Dean said quietly. 

Cas could not help but be bitter. He just wanted to die. He would take suffering in the empty.

"Um..." Sam started to say.

"Oh, save your pity!! I do not need to hear it. Why did I do it? Cuz I want to die!! Why do I want to die? Cuz I am trapped inside my own mind and it is driving me insane!! How can I make you understand? I will never be better or back to my old self ever again!! You should have just let me die...now I will be at Glenwood Springs forever..." Tears welled up in his eyes and he looked away sharply. 

''Cas, listen.'' Dean said quickly before he could interrupt again. ''I am so so sorry for putting you In that malack box like that. It was selfish. And it was just plain wrong. I was an asshole for doing that. And I hope that you can forgive me some day...'' Dean looked down.

Cas nodded, but did not say anything. ''Sam?''

Sam looked up quickly. ''Y-yeah?''

''Say your piece.''

''Uh...well...we were not trying to pity you. We or at least, I genuinely want to see you get better. You will get better and back to your old self. We would never let you purposely die. And uh...about that...you uh...you are not going back to Glenwood Springs, Cas...''

Cas looked surprised. "I-i am not?''

''Well, no...the thing is...you are going to a different place...a much stricter psych ward called Hollowed Creek.''

Cas looked terrified. ''W-wha...is Meg going to be there?! Will I ever see you guys?!??'' His heart rate started to rise. ''Whoa whoa Cas calm down...'' Sam rushed over to him and sat on his bed, placing a hand on his shoulder. ''We were not trying to scare you...we just figured that you would rather hear it from us than the doctors. And good thing...ok?'' ''O-ok...'' ''So listen. We are not sure yet if Meg is going to be there. We have to make some arrangements. We think that we can visit you but not all the time, sorry.'' Cas nods. ''Ok...thanks, guys. I would like to rest now if that is ok.'' ''Of course. We will stop by later, ok?'' ''Yeah...that would be good.''

Sam and Dean left the room. "What are we going to do wit him?'' Dean asked quietly. ''Hope and pray I guess...come on, let's leave this joint.''

And so they did.

A few hours later, Cas woken up from a dr. entering his room. 

''Ok, Castiel. Time for your transfer.''

He swore that he seen the doctors eyes blink black. 

Chapter Text

Cas had sworn that he seen the doctor's eyes blink black, but he could have just been hallucinating, he knew that he did sometimes, he even hallucinated an eye in the center of Sam's palm once!! And then he almost really hurt him because he grabbed a kitchen knife and tried to "cut out the eye" but thankfully, Dean stopped him before he could do anything.

{I know I am sick, but is this Hollowed Creek place necessary? It sounds scary...} Cas thought. "Come with me, Cas." A female dr. said, drawing him out of his thoughts. She gently taken his thin arm. 

He found himself in the back of a taxi with the woman. He felt kind of uncomfortable. "Um...what is your name?" He asked. "Elara Vance." "Oh..." They say nothing else to each other.

Cas found himself growing tired but before he knew it, they were there. "Come on," Elara said as she grabbed his arm kind of roughly. Cas let out a small gasp whenever he seen Hollowed Creek. It looked more like a Gothic cathedral. It was all black and he gotten really bad energy from it."I-is this really a hospital?" Cas asked. "Yes," Elara replied, sounding annoyed. 

Cas and Elara walked slowly to it, Cas could not get over what it looked like!! There was just something about it... {Wait until Sam and Dean see this...} He thought. "Whoever they are, they will never see this," Elara said. Cas given her a double take. "W-what?" "You fucking heard me!!" Cas given her a look that was kind of sad. "Why are you being mean to me?" He asked in a small voice. "Sorry." That was all Elara said.

Cas walked in. He looked in awe. It was nothing like old run-down Glenwood Springs. This place was absolutely gorgeous but still unsettling.

The air in Hollowed Creek wasn't cold, but it had a peculiar chill that settled into Castiel's bones. The grand double doors he entered through were wrought iron adorned with curling, skeletal vines. They screeched shut behind him with a sound like fingernails scraping down a chalkboard.

Sunlight, if it ever reached the interior, was filtered through dusty, stained-glass windows that cast fractured portraits of saints upon the polished marble floor. The high ceilings seemed to recede into perpetual twilight, the ornate moldings adorned with grotesque cherubs weeping silent tears.

The scent of what smelled like maybe old blood and mildew hung heavy in the air, a sickly sweet counterpoint to the underlying tang of disinfectant. The plush red carpeting, once opulent, was now threadbare and faded, the floral pattern obscured by mysterious stains.

Candelabras cast an uneven, flickering light, their crystals glinting like malevolent eyes. Along the walls, portraits of past benefactors seemed to follow him with their vacant stares. Their clothing, though antique, appeared disturbingly mismatched, a hodgepodge of eras as if reality itself were fraying at the edges.

An unsettling silence punctuated by the occasional muffled scream or sob echoed from unseen corridors. The only other sound was the rhythmic tick-tock of a grandfather clock, its pendulum swinging hypnotically back and forth. Cas couldn't help but feel as if he were being watched, not by security cameras, but by something far more insidious, something that resided in the very shadows of Hollowed Creek.

"Um..." Cas said, feeling a bit faint. "It's alright. Your room is over here." Elara said as she led him down the creepy hall.

Cas looked in his room. Not surprisingly, it was very different from Glenwood Springs. 

The bed, draped in heavy velvet curtains that pooled on the ebony floorboards, was the centerpiece of the room. Its canopy, wrought iron twisted like skeletal fingers, clawed at the frescoed ceiling above. The fresco itself was a dreamscape of swirling clouds and an unsettling crescent moon leering down at the room.

An antique chaise longue, upholstered in a faded damask patterned with spiderwebs, sat beside a grand fireplace. The chipped marble mantel held a collection of curiosities: a raven skull with a single, gleaming obsidian eye, a silver pocket watch eternally frozen at midnight, and a porcelain doll with a perpetually surprised expression.

Moonlight filtered through the tall, arched window, casting an unsettling glow on the peeling wallpaper. It depicted a fantastical forest, but the closer you looked, the more the trees resembled gnarled, grasping claws and the flowers resembled drooping, blood-red lips.

Antiqued books lined the walls, their leather bindings a dull, cracked crimson. The titles were embossed in a swirling script that seemed to writhe and move in the flickering candlelight. A silver candelabra, shaped like intertwined serpents, cast dancing shadows on the walls.

An ornately framed mirror hung above a chipped porcelain vanity. The mirror gotten Castiel's attention the most. He looked at himself, his gaunt expression and pale skin. But he sworn that he seen something else on his face. A flicker of his eyes completely white, but then back to bright blue again. He looked away from the mirror and looked at himself again, he seen his mouth twitch into an unsettling smile which he did not do on his own accord. He was going to do it for a 3rd time, until Elara interrupted him.

"You done, you psycho ass angel?" Cas stared at her in surprise, but then he was getting a little angry. "Please do not talk to me that way. I hope that you do not talk to the others that way." Elara's eyes flickered black. {Fuck.} Cas thought. "Fuck is right, angel face. Cuz Sammy and Deano aren't here to save you now." Just from staring at him, she lifted him up in the air with just her gaze and threw him across the room, hitting the wall. Cas groaned in pain. "It is time for your punishment. Your mental illnesses will be gone once and for all." Cas stared up at her, shaking. He never wanted to come here. Suddenly, Elaras eyes were back to normal. She sighed. "You are off the deep end of the deep end, my friend."

Cas started to sob.

Chapter Text

Cas groaned as he gotten up from off the floor whenever Elara threw him against the wall. He hit his head pretty hard, so now he was dizzy. ''W-what do you mean about the deep end?'' He mumbled. Elara grabbed 1 of his bony arms and yanked him up. Cas blinked lazily at her, he knew that he had to be careful about what he thought, knowing that she could hear his thoughts. Cas had stopped crying now. ''W-what do you mean cure my mental illnesses 'once and for all?''' ''Dont you worry about that. You will see. You are getting no damn feeding tube here either. You will eat solid foods or else it will be shoved down your throat. You can have your IV, though. Do you understand? Now, it is time for you to go to bed. Bedtime is at 8:00 and we get up at 8:00 for breakfast. Do you understand?'' ''Yes...'' Elara let go of his arm and he stumbled a bit. He slowly made his way to the creepy-looking bed. Elara given him just as creepy of a smile before slamming the door shut. Cas lied in bed, wishing that he had the plush bee that Meg given him. His head was pounding and he was feeling a little woozy. He eventually drifted off to sleep, uneasily.

He was woken up at 7 : 45 by a hand shaking him. He woke with a start, scared that he overslept and Elara was going to punish him. He slowly sat up, his headache gone but still feeling a bit strange. {I must have hit my head pretty hard.} he thought. He rubbed his eyes. ''Who are you...?'' He mumbled, looking up at the boy. The boy had brown hair with a few blonde streaks and brown eyes. He seemed timid. He wore a sweater with jeans. ''My name is Ezra.'' He replied quietly. ''What...is it time for breakfast?'' Cas asked. Ezra nodded twice. Cas slowly gotten out of bed. ''Do you know the way?'' Ezra nodded twice.

Cas followed him. ''Why are you here?'' Ezra asked quietly.

 ''That is a loaded question. Is yours any simpler?'' Ezra nodded twice. ''Severe kleptomania. They sent me here instead of jail.'

''Cas wracked his brain, but he had not heard of that before. ''What is...klepto...?'' ''A condition where I impulsively feel the need to steal things. If I don't, something terrible will happen. I feel relief after taking something. And a little guilty. Most of the time it is small stuff that I do not need and can afford. But I have to take it. It is such a rare condition...nobody understands.'' Cas nodded. ''Wow...''

 They arrived at the breakfast room. Elara was there. She glared at Cas. ''Sit down.'' She ordered. Cas did so. She put a plate of food in front of him. Cas gulped. Was this really how recovery was suppost to be? He had not ate physical food in so long . . . he gulped again. Ezra, sitting next to him, noticed this behavior. ''You have an eating disorder, dont you?'' He said quietly. ''Anorexia or bulimia?'' Cas just stared. ''Please dont tell me that you can read my mind too.'' A shadow of a smile tugged on the corner of Ezra's mouth. ''No...I just know these things. You look skinny anyway, plus you have scars on your knuckles from biting down on them so hard while you purged.'' Cas was amazed at this man's profiling skills. ''How old are you?'' Cas asked. ''19. You?'' ''25...'' ''That scar on your neck...you tried to kill yourself.'' Cas looked down. ''Yeah...'' ''ENOUGH TALKING MORE EATING!!'' Elara snapped, scaring Cas a bit. Ezra ate while Cas has taken tiny bites of the toast. It tasted strange. He decided to just drink his orange juice. That tasted a little weird, too. He noticed that everybody else at the table had milk. ''Um...what about these other people? Why are they here?''

 Ezra pointed to a woman. ''Her name is Anya. She is here for severe anxiety.'' Ezra then pointed to another guy. ''His name is Kenji. Has severe depression and bipolar disorder. He tried to kill himself multiple times.'' He pointed to another person, cas was not sure what gender they were. ''Their name is Zara. PTSD And schizophrenia.'' He pointed to another boy. ''Liam. OCD And a panic disorder.'' He pointed to the last lady. ''Lilly. BPD and a pathological liar.'' Cas was amazed. ''Oh my...'' He couldn't bring himself to ask why he was the only person with orange juice. ''What happens if I do not finish my breakfast?'' ''I don't care to find out.'

'' Elara clapped her hands loudly. ''OK!! TIME IS UP FOR BREAKFAST!!'' Cas looked down at his plate, he had eaten about half of it. Elara sneaked up to him. ''Care you explain to all of us why the fuck you did not finish'' Everybody stared at him, except Ezra. ''U-Um...'' Cas felt his heart rate go up. He did not like this at all. Suddenly, Elara slapped him. Cas was shocked. ''W-what? Why did you do that?!'' Elara gotten real close to his face. ''If you do not finish breakfast tomorrow, it will only be worse.'' She yanked his plate away from him and walked away. Cas felt his cheek stinging. {I just want to go home...I miss Sam and Dean so much...} He thought. Everybody left the table. ''Come on,'' Ezra said gently. Cas slowly gotten up. ''Why are you being so nice to me?'' He asked. ''Becuse I can tell that you are scared. You were at a mental hospital previous to this, weren't you?'' Cas nodded. ''Yes, Glenwood Springs. It was so much better than here...'' Ezra nodded twice. ''So...what do we do all day?'' Cas asked. ''We will have therapy at noon. Recreational time until 5:30, then dinner, then bed at 8.'' Ezra explained. ''How long have you been here?'' 

''Long enough to know the truth,'' Ezra replied quietly.

Chapter Text

It was recreational time. Cas was not feeling so well from breakfast this morning. {Perhaps my orange juice was expired...} he thought. ''Ezra...?'' ''Yes?'' ''Are the other patients here nice?'' ''Yes, most of them. Kenji can be a bit cold-shouldered sometimes, but he means well.'' Cas chuckled a bit. ''Well, my good friend Dean once told me that I used to 'have a stick up my ass.' Not in a literal sense, though.'' Ezra raised an eyebrow. ''Oh my.'' ''Yeah...those were the best times...before I became sick...'' He looked a bit sad. ''Hey...you cannot think like that. It will not help.'' Cas nodded. ''Yeah...I guess that you are right.'' He gotten a bit closer to Ezra. ''Um...why do you think I was the only patient at the table with orange juice this morning?'' He whispered. ''Why are you whispering?'' Ezra replied. ''I do not want Elara to hear me. She can read my mind.'' Ezra chuckled a bit. ''No, she cannot.'' Cas gotten a bit mad. ''Are you calling me a lier?!'' Ezra backed off. ''No no...not at all...um...perhaps it is because you are new?'' Cas gotten out of his personnel space and stopped whispering. ''Maybe...'' He said thoughtfully. ''Hey, is Elara the only person who works here?'' Cas asked. ''Kind of? There are others but they just kind of help out...Elara is like the boss and mostly takes care of the patients.'' ''Oh.'' ''Yeah.'' 

Elara came up to Cas. ''It is time for your therapy.'' ''O-ok.'' Cas said. He followed Elara to the other room and looked back at Ezra quickly. ''Good luck.'' Ezra mouthed to him. 

Once in the room, Elara sat down at the desk with Cas across from her. ''So. Your files from Glenwood Springs were transferred here. Your doctor was Meg Masters, right?'' Cas nodded, kind of missing her. ''Your files say that you were diagnosed with schizophrenia, anorexia, bulimia, antisocial personality disorder, and OCD, correct?'' Cas nods again. ''Let's see...red spiral blah blah...attempted suicide blah blah...hmm...what is this Xerces here?''

Cas tensed up and suddenly seemed angry. ''DO NOT MENTION THAT!!'' Elara smirked. ''Clearly, I hit a nerve.'' Cas looked away, ''yes...you did.'' ''Well, you are going to have to talk about it at some point.'' ''No.'' ''Oh, believe me, you will.'' ''I never will!! I...I do not even know how Meg found out about that...I do not care what you do to me...I will never  talk about that.''

Elara smirked. ''And you wonder why you had orange juice for breakfast while everybody else had milk. tsk tsk tsk, you will learn soon enough, Castiel.'' He felt his heart rate rise. ''W-what are you doing to me?!'' ''Relax, nobody is doing anything to you. You must be paranoid again. I see you being friendly with Ezra.'' ''So...?'' ''Oh, nothing.'' Cas was getting frustrated. ''How is this therapy?! Our conversation is just going nowhere or...or in circles!! It is confusing me!!'' ''Jeez...sorry!!'' Elara pretended to look offended. 

''So. What do you think triggered your eating disorders?'' ''I don't know...I guess...whenever I became more and more fallen to the point where I was human enough that I needed to eat, food just...disgusted me. I did not like it. I just felt like if I was small enough, everybody would leave me alone, which is what I wanted.'' Elara nods. ''You tried to kill yourself? Do you really want to die?'' ''No...I just feel like I am too far gone to ever get better or fully recover... plus I do not want to be a burden to Sam and dean anymore.'' Elara nods. 

''Do you want to tell me about the red spiral?'' ''Sure...i guess. Um...basically, there was a glass of water in my room so I drank the water and then I went to the corner and dropped the glass and picked up the biggest piece and went to the other corner and cut my arm deep to draw a lor of blood, enough to paint a good sized red spiral on the wall. It was to protect me. i had to do it. After that, I was on HIGH RISK. Meg had to watch me 24 / 7. Whenever I seen that they cleaned it up, I became irate. Whenever Meg fell asleep, I did it again. They never cleaned it up after that. It turned brown and nasty after a while. I had to get stitches in both arms. So now my arms are scarred as well as my neck. I wish that I had ever gotten this mentally ill...but i guess that is what happens after you have been through what I have...I am jealous of Sam and Dean, in a way, that they are able to stay sane. I have no idea how they do it. But they do not need me. They have hunted many times without me and been just fine. I am just a waste of space.'' ''Hm. Well, ya know, I could always read their minds and confirm if that is true or not.'' ''I do not want to know the truth.'' Elara nods. ''Here. You will take these pills. They will help.'' Cas takes them in his shaking hand, his whole body always shook slightly now. ''I am already on like 5 different medications.'' ''I know. Now take them. I am not asking.'' ''N-No!!'' "YES!!" She went over to Cas and grabbed them from him, about ready to shove them down his throat. ''OK! OK!'' Cas surrendered. He taken them, swallowing them unwillingly. ''H-Happy?'' ''Yes...now begone.'' She said with an awful smirk. Cas slowly gotten up and went back to Ezra quickly. ''Cas? Are you ok? You look kind of pale and sweaty. Sit down,'' He said, concerned. Cas sat down, seeming upset. ''No, Ezra I...do you not see something severely wrong here? This whole place is creepy. They are treating me different. The orange juice. And now 2 random mysterious pills? It is not adding up...maybe it is because...'' ''Because why?''

''Because I am an angel, Ezra.'' Cas replied.

Chapter Text

Ezra's eyes widened. ''What?'' ''Yes...I know that it may be hard to comprehend. But it is true. Angels, demons, vampires, ghosts...all of that stuff is real.'' ''How do I know that this is just not part of your mental illness?'' ''I can prove it to you. I may have fallen to the point where I am basically human, but I can still do this.'' He looked over. ''Hey, Zara!! Come here!!'' Zara did so. ''Yeah?'' He put 2 fingers up to their forehead and they instantly passed out. Ezra jumped a bit. ''Whoa!! Are they dead...?'' ''No, they will wake up in a few hours. I did that to my good friend Bobby whenever I arrived on earth. My friend Dean never really believed that angels were real. Until he went to hell and I gripped him tight and brought him back. He now has a scar of my handprint on his shoulder. I made my grand entrance in a barn, lights flickering and sparks flying. They tried to shoot me and stab me, but it did not work. It probably would now though.'' ''Wow...that is crazy!!'' ''Yeah...'' Cas frowned a bit. ''I...I still feel kind of off from that orange juice and those pills...'' ''How do you feel like? I am kind of worried about you.'' ''Like...forgetful and like I cannot think straight. Woozy...like I seriously do not remember what Elara ad I talked about. It is scaring me. Ezra, there is something severely wrong with this place...Elara is literally a demon. They are out to get me. Nothing is real!!''

''Cas...that is your name, right? It would be best if you stayed calm. I am right here and I am real, ok?'' He slowly and carefully placed his hand on his knee, to prove even more that he was real. ''Thanks, Ezra. I just...can I ask you something?'' But before Ezra could reply,  Elara came up to Cas. ''Castiel...please come with me.'' She was speaking in too sweet of a voice. Cas slowly rose and went towards her. He did not look back at Ezra this time. 

Elara has taken Cas into a white room. It kind of hurt his eyes how white it was. ''What...What am I doing in here?'' It kind of reminded him of whenever he was in that room in heaven with Naomi.'' 

Suddenly, Cas magically found himself in a dentist's chair with a straitjacket on. Elaras eyes were black. ''What are you doing?!'' He exclaimed, terrified.

''Just hold still...this will only take a moment.'' She brought out a pair of pliers. Castiels eyes widened. He was having serious flashbacks to whenever Naomi given him a lobotomy. ''WHAT ARE YOU DOING!?!!?!? STOPPPPPPPPPPPPP!!'' He tried to get away but Elara was much stronger. He felt the pliers grip a tooth towards the back of his mouth and yank with incredible force. He couldn't even scream in pain. It was too unbearable. He simply passed out.

Whenever he awoke, he was somehow in his bed. He was still in a lot of pain. But everything felt hazy, like he had been given medicine. He did not want to sit up, but he could feel dried blood all around his mouth and blood in his mouth. {So salty and sweet...} he thought. He looked at his hands, they had dried blood on them too. It reminded him of whenever he painted the red spiral. His tongue instinctively went to the hole in his gums, which were very swollen, but he found that there was gauze.

He lied there weakly, wishing for Ezra.

Back at Sam and Deans, they had just finished a case and were sitting around waiting for a new case. Dean was drinking beer as usual and Sam was on his computer. Suddenly, he closed the computer lid. ''Dean...I have a bad feeling about Cas...'' ''What do you mean?'' Dean asked. ''I mean, we really just let him go there. To hollowed creek. We have no idea about that place. I know that there was no choice because he attempted suicide but...I just wish that Meg or somebody else could keep a watchful eye. I mean, doesn't Hollowed Creek sound much creepier than Glenwood Springs? Plus, I just looked it up online and found articles about it being 'creepy' and 'haunted'. There was even a picture!! Dean, I am just saying. It looks like a damn gothic church.''

''Maybe you are right, Sammy. Tell you what, tomorrow we can see about visiting him, alright?'' ''Alright...''

It was nighttime at Hollowed Creek now. Cas was getting worse and worse. He felt like he had a fever, his mouth hurt, he was sweaty, having hot and cold flashes, and he could not get his body to stop shaking. 

He heard his door creak open. His shaking intensified as his heart raced. He let out the biggest sigh of relief whenever he seen Ezra's familiar shadow. ''E-Ezra...? Is that you?'' He said quietly. Ezra nodded twice. He was in his pajamas, clearly, he snuck out of bed. ''I came to check on you and make sure that you were ok. You never came back after Elara taken you.'' Cas shuddered. Ezra frowned. ''You do not look so well...what did she do to you?'' Tears started involuntarily streaming down Castiel's thin face. ''She hurt me real bad, Ezra. Real bad.'' Ezra seemed sympathetic, and angry at Elara. ''I can tell that you have been through a lot, Cas. Things that no humans understand. Except maybe your friends. If I could heal you, I would.'' Cas smiled weakly. ''Thanks, you better get back to bed before Elara finds you. I will try to rest now.'' Ezra nods. ''I hope that you feel better in the morning. Bye, Cas...'' He walked away hesitantly. 

Cas drifted off into a sweaty feverish sleep. He hoped that tomorrow would be better. He hoped that Elara would leave him alone. He hoped that the new hole in his gums would be ok. He only hoped that Sam and Dean could save him.

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The next morning, Cas woke up feeling like utter shit. He just wanted to sleep. Ezra woke him up very quickly and said that he could not keep on doing that. Cas knew it. At breakfast, everybody kept on staring at his bruised and swollen jaw and he knew it. He felt numb but also sad. He went through every day like a routine. He felt like a robot. 

1 day, Sam and Dean tried to visit. Dean pulled up to the entrance. ''Damn...this place is creepy as hell.'' They get out. ''I do not have good vibes about this place...'' Sam said quietly. ''Yeah...me neither.'' Sam pulled off the EMF Reader. It was going off slightly. ''What the hell...there is at least a single demon in there.'' ''That is not good for Cas, even if he is fallen. Damn it I wish that we never sent him here.'' ''Well, come on. We are here now.'' They slowly approached the entrance. Before they could knock or open the door, Elara was behind them. ''Hello. I am Elara.'' She said. They both jumped a bit and turned around. They knew that she was the demon. ''Uh...hey.'' Dean said casually. ''Why do you work here?'' Sam asked. ''To watch over the angel of course.'' ''And how is he? Can we see him?'' Dean asked. ''He is wonderful and hmm...we have a very strict policy around here...only certain patients are allowed outside time and visitors.'' ''Well uh...i am sure that Cas is on his best behavior and cooperates just fine, am I wrong?'' ''Hm...i suppose not. I will be with you boys in a second.'' And she disappeared. ''Well, she is certainly something else!!'' Dean exclaimed. ''Can it, Dean. She might be able to hear you.'' Sam said. Dean laughed a bit. ''Yeah, right.''

{Well, she is certainly something else!! Can it, Dean. She might be able to hear you. Yeah, right.} Elara heard all of that, even though she was now inside. She went over to Cas. He was with Ezra, as usual. They were playing sorry! Cas loved that game. ''Hey, Castiel.'' Elara said coldly.

Cas stopped in the middle of what he was doing, a shiver running down his spine. ''Y-yes?'' He had come to fear her greatly, pathetic as it was. ''You have some visitors.'' Cas felt his heart skip a beat in hope and anticipation. ''R-really?'' ''Y-yes!!'' She yelled, mocking his stutter. She walked over and grabbed him by the arm. 

Suddenly, they were in that dreaded white room again. ''You do not get to see them for free, you know.'' She smirked. She yanked off his trenchcoat and threw it to the side. ''Lift up your shirt.'' She ordered. Cas did not like where this was going, but he did so, with shaking hands. Elara taken a knife and started slowly dragging across his thin, pale chest. He did not have much fat on it so it really really hurt. He grit his teeth in pain, which kind of made it worse because his gums still hurt. Blood seeped down. She quickly cleaned it up and put on a bandage. Afterward, Cas put his trenchcoat and shirt back on before he said, ''Ok. You may go see your friends now. Say anything about what I have done to you, and a slow torture shall be your fate.'' Cas nodded, feeling nauseous.

Outside, Cas was allowed to visit Sam and Dean for exactly an hour. They sat at a creepy-looking black table with rickety chairs by a tree that looked like it was straight out of the conjuring. They talked about general things, before Dean asked, ''What happened to your face, Cas? Plus you kind of look like shit, no offense.'' Dean said bluntly. Cas looked down, trying to act normal. ''None taken...i uh...i gotten into a fight.'' He lied. ''And...yeah...just a side effects from the meds.'' Dean nodded, though he did not really believe him. Cas grit his teeth in pain a bit whenever he felt the cut on his chest burning. ''You good? For real?'' Sam asked. ''Yeah..I uh...'' He suddenly felt very lightheaded. ''Uh...'' He passed out. ''What the hell!!'' Dean exclaimed. ''Uh...ELARA!!" Sam yelled. Elara appeared. ''He just...passed out!!'' Dean exclaimed. Elara did not seem fazed, which scared them. ''He is just tired.'' ''Naw...something is wrong.'' Dean said boldly. Elara picked Cas up. ''Everything is perfectly fine. Goodbye now, boys.'' Elara disappeared with Cas.

Sam and Dean stared at each other for about a minute. ''Ok...what the hell?'' Dean said. ''I know." Sam said, he beckoned for Dean to come to the car. ''I know.'' Sam replied, deadpan. ''We have to get him out of here. And soon. Before it is too late. This place is just simply messed up.'' ''Tell me about it...''

Whenever they arrived at the bunker, Sam started a list called ''Things wrong with Hollowed Creek''

1. creepy ass name.

2. a DEMON Works there.

3. they have some sort of beef wit Cas.

4. Cas seems really sick

5. possibly being abused?

Dean agreed with everything on his list.

Cas was tired of this. All he wanted was Glenwood Springs again. That felt like home compared to this hell. He was so tired of being borderline tortured and just feeling shittier and shittier every time he woken up. He found himself lying on his back in his bed once again. ''Ezra...?'' He mumbled. He groaned a bit, the pain in his mouth and on his chest throbbing. Elara appeared. She did a mock frowny face. ''Aww is Cassie sick?'' She chuckled a bit, but thankfully left.

Ezra came in his room about 5 minutes later. Cas weakly grabbed his wrist while Ezra stood next to his bed. ''We have to get out of here.'' He whispered. ''What...? Why? i have family, you know.'' Ezra replied. ''I know. Do you want to see them again or not?'' ''Yes...'' ''Then listen to me. My friends...Sam and Dean...they will...help me and I can get them to help you. I cannot leave you behind.''

Ezra stared intently.

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Cas was sitting on his bed, feeling barely any better, trying to think of how he could get in contact with Sam and Dean whenever he was barely an angel anymore. Ezra was sitting in the bed with him. ''Ok...sometimes...whenever I would not pick up my phone, Sam or Dean would pray to me. And I would always show up then. Believe it or not, once I tried to be God. Long story but...Dean thought that I was too far gone to save so he just drank and...watched some...inappropriate videos on his computer. But luckily, Sam still had faith, even though he was going through some troubles of his own at the time, so he went outside and prayed for me. He said; 'Hey, Castiel. Um...maybe this is pointless. Look...I don't know if any part of you even cares, but, um, I still think that you are one of us, deep down. I mean, way, way, way off the reservation but...look, we have until dawn to stop this. Let us help. Please.' Isn't that amazing, Ezra?'' ''Uh...yeah. Cool story but it just sounds unrealistic.'' ''Well, whenever my friends save us, you can ask them yourselves and they will tell you all about it. They will tell you lots and lots of other stories too.'' ''Ok.'' ''Anyway, so now I am going to try to somehow...pray to Dean? He is not an angel or anything, just a righteous man. But I somehow need him to hear my voice in his head.'' ''How will you do that?''

''Well...I am not sure. But I can focus my energies on doing little things that will make them realize that something is off. I just hope that I am strong enough. For example, I will make a nearby book fall off the table. I can make Dean's handprint sting out of the blue. I can send in a breeze. Little things like that do not require that much energy.'' ''Alright...do it.'' Cas nods. He closed his eyes and started concentrating really hard.

Sam was reading a book. The page turned by itself. He jumped a bit. ''What the hell...'' He mumbled. He has shaken his head, thinking that he might have imagined it. But then it happened again. And again. And again!! Sam threw his book away from him. Dean heard and came into the room. ''Did you just throw that book?'' Dean asked, arching an eyebrow. ''Yeah, Dean, I did!! Because the pages were turning by themselves!!'' ''Really?'' 'Yes!!'' Dean approached it and slowly picked it up as if it might attack him. It did not. He looked at it. It seemed fine. ''You sure, Sammy?'' ''I swear. And I am not hallucinating or anything. I think...I think that maybe Cas is trying to reach out to us, Dean.'' ''Huh? Why would he be? And isn't he too fallen for that anyway?'' ''I mean...maybe but...I just feel like it is him. I mean, we do need to get him out of there.'' ''I agree. Let's wait and see what happens.''

Cas was done. He opened his eyes. ''Ok...tomorrow, I will do Dean and see what happens.'' ''Ok...what did you do to Sam?'' ''I just made the pages of his book turn by themselves.'' ''Oh my.'' ''Yeah.''

Cas slowly stood up and made his way to the shape-shifting mirror. He lifted up his shirt to look at his knife wound. He hoped that it was not getting infected. ''Jesus...did Elara do that?'' Ezra whispered. ''Yeah...I hope that Sam and Dean do not visit me anymore. Otherwise, I will have to pay again...''

''I feel really bad for you...I do not know how you remain strong.'' ''Do not feel bad, and I am not strong. I tried to take my own life in front of my 2 best friends.'' ''But you lived. ''I never die right. Even Chuck said.'' Ezra was about to ask who that was, before Elara came. Cas sworn that he never gotten to talk to any other workers. He felt his heart rate go up. ''Come with me please, Cas.'' ''No.'' Ezra firmly said, stepping closer to Elara. ''You will not hurt my friend anymore. You cut his chest and you taken out his tooth. How much more are you going to do to him before you kill him?!'' Elara chuckled. ''Oh, Ezra...while I do find this whole ting absolutely adorable, you do not make the rules around here, my friend. I am helping him. You will see in all due time.'' Her eyes turned black. ''What the-?!'' Ezra gotten thrown across the room. Her eyes went back to normal and she smirked at Cas. ''Playtime again, Cas.''

He found himself in a locked room. There was nothing in it, or anybody. All he knew was that it was freezing. He realised that he did not have his trenchcoat, either. Just a white t-shirt and white pants. He started shivering. ''F-fuck you, Elara!!'' He yelled angrily, he never sworn, but he was sick and tired of all of this. ''I feel bad for all the patients here!! If you do this to them too or hurt them in any sort of way!! J-just leave Ezra alone, please!!'' Tears started falling down his face. ''W-why would you want to do this to me...? I just wanted to recover...I just want Glenwood Springs back...i never thought that I would miss a demon as much as I miss Meg...'' He kept on sobbing. ''I am a very fallen angel...why do you bother with me anyway? Just...Please...'' He stopped talking but kept on crying. Eventually, he stopped that too because he was getting too cold to cry. He was shaking a lot. ''U-um...can I please get out of here?'' He asked. He was so scared that he was going to freeze to death. He remembered Sam telling him about the stages of hypothermia once. He wished that he could remember them now. He closed his eyes and tried to focus on sending 1 more sign to Sam and Dean, and Ezra too.

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Cas was still in this...ice box, he decided to call it. He kind of lost track of how long he had been in there, but he figured about 20 minutes or so. For now, he was alert, but still shivering. ''E-ezra?'' He called out weakly. He had no idea why. he knew that he couldn't hear him. He concentrated on sending out yet another sign, hopefully not his last. This time it was aimed towards Dean.

He grabbed a beer out of the fridge, and it fell out of his hands, and onto the floor. He did not drop it. It literally fell. ''The hell...'' Dean said, he shrugged and grabbed another beer. The same thing happened. Now he was getting angry. He tried for a 3rd time, and it happened AGAIN. ''This is a waste of my money!!'' He exclaimed. ''Hmm...maybe the damn trickster is behind all this...'' Sam heard all the commotion and came into the kitchen. ''Why is there beer spilled all over the floor?'' Sam asked. ''It just falls out of my hands whenever I try to grab it!! I am not even lying, Sammy. Look.'' He picked up a plate, and nothing happened. He picked up a cup. Same thing. Same thing with a sink towel too. ''Let me try.'' Sam offered, walking over and grabbing a beer out of the fridge. It was shaking in his hands. He quickly put it back. ''Whoa...haunted beer perchance?'' ''No...this is Cas. I feel it. Your book. The lights. Our furniture. Now this. We need to get to Hollowed Creek now.'' Sam nods, and they get in the car.

Cas was still in there. He vaguely wondered what Elara was trying to accomplish by this. Was she watching perhaps? Did she get off to this kind of stuff? Did this happen to any other patients? He felt his thinking slowing down. He desperately tried to keep himself awake, but he was feeling his body stop shivering. He was still somewhat thin, after all. He figured that his lips now had a blue tint. He felt his eyes dilate. His shivering stopped completely. He was getting scared now and he felt his heart rate slow down. Eventually, he started fading in and out of consciousness. He did not want to die. He wanted to live. To recover. For Ezra. To see Sam and Dean again someday. Maybe even hunt with them. Escape this Hollowed Creek hell. His last thoughts were his friends, as he given in to the darkness.

Sam and Dean came to a halting stop in front of the creepy Hollowed Creek place. Sense Elara was watching Cas suffer, nobody stopped them from walking right into the wretched doors. Ezra greeted them. He looked into their eyes, and he suddenly knew. He grabbed their hands and led them into his bedroom. Although it was creepy, it was nicer then Glenwood Springs. ''Who are you?'' Sam asked, suspicious. Though he was getting good vibes from this boy. ''My name is Ezra. I am here for a condition called kleptomania, which means that I have to steal things. Anyway, that is not important. You are Sam and Dean, right?'' They both nodded, a bit overwhelmed by all this information. Ezra smiled a tiny smile. ''I have heard so much about you guys!! There are a million things that I want to ask you!!'' His smile went away, and was quickly replaced by a serious look. ''But not now. Look, if demons are real, a demon works here. Her name is Elara. And if Cas is really an angel, or...fallen angel, because he said that he was sending you guys signs, then hear me so I say!! I think that he is in serious trouble. Elara taken out his tooth and cut his chest, and now she has him somewhere.'' ''Ok, slow down.'' Dean said. ''1st of all, demons and angels are real, we promise. 2nd of all, we know that Elara is a demon. We hunt monsters like her and kill her. We regret ever sending Cas here. 3rd of all, we received his signs. 4th of all, I am going to gut that son of-'' Sam quickly cut him off with a nervous laugh. ''Ok!! So uh...how long have you been here, Ezra? Do you know the place very well?'' Ezra nods, a determined look in his eyes. ''Lets save our angel friend.''

Cas was lying against the wall, he had not moved in a while. He was so tired. His memory was foggy. He felt like he could not think or talk. He felt his heart beating wildly, trying to keep him alive. He imagined his blood pressure was probably through the roof. He felt really nauseous. He had stopped shivering now. He felt like he could barely move his body, and his muscles felt rigid. He looked at his hands and noticed how pale they were. His skin felt dry, too. He groaned a bit, wondering whenever the pain would end.

Ezra, Sam, and Dean were creeping around. Ezra knew every nook and cranny, and every hiding spot, which was a bonus. Sam and Dean came prepared. They both had angel blades at the ready. They eventually found Elara, standing outside this weird silver box-looking thing. ''Cas must be in there.'' Ezra whispered. ''Ok...you guys do your thing. I have to scram. Good luck. I will be waiting in the recreational room. Cas will know.'' He quickly left.

Unfortunately, Elara heard all this. Her eyes went black. ''Hello, boys.'' She said coolly. Sam and Dean stepped out of the shadows, angel blade at the ready. ''What have you done to Cas.'' Sam demanded. ''Oh, he's just uh...oh!! You can call him a snow angel.'' She said smirking.

Dean felt his heart drop. That didn't sound good. ''Well, bring it on bitch.'' Dean said.

Elara lunged at them, and they started fighting.

Sam almost had her, but she overpowered him, and started choking him. Her hands were so strong. He couldn't pry them off.

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Sam tried to pry Elara's hands off, but she was too strong. He eventually couldn't breathe and was starting to lose consciousness. ''Sammy!!'' Dean exclaimed. He snuck up behind Elara, sense she was so busy choking the life out of his brother, and stabbed her with the angel blade. Her eyes, mouth, and body all lit up, and she jerked a bit before she died, landing on top of Sam. Her hands were still on his neck. Dean shoved her off. ''Hey, hey!! Sam? Come on now, we have to save Cas!!'' He slapped his face a bit and Sam slowly came to. Dean smiled in relief. ''There we go...yeah...come on now.'' He helped him sit up. ''You good?'' Sam nodded, rubbing his sore neck / throat. ''Yeah... I...I think so.'' He cleared his throat and slowly stood up. ''Ok...come on.'' They made their way towards the box. They found a door and opened it. The 1st thing that they noticed was that it was absolutely freezing. It looked like an ice box or freezer for meat The next thing they noticed horrified them.

There was Cas, sitting against the wall, eyes half open, skin and lips blue, looking dead.

''CAS!!'' Both brothers yelled, quickly going up to him. Dean touched his face. It was so cold. ''C-cas?'' He said. ''We have to get him out of here,'' Sam said. Dean nodded, and he quickly picked up his too-stiff body. They left the ice box and lay him down on the warm ground. They had no idea what to even do. This hypothermia was so severe. ''Is he even breathing?'' Sam asked. ''I-I don't think so.'' Dean was starting to cry now. ''H-He's gone, Sammy. He is really gone...This is all my fault.'' He has taken Castiel's frozen hand in his. ''Cas...I don't know if you can hear me, man but I am so... I am so so sorry for ever sending you to this God-forsaken place. If I could take it all back, I swear that I would. But...I hope that wherever you are...you are happy...and free of your uh...mental illnesses. And...and I hope that you forgive us. We all loved you.'' He looked down, still sobbing. 

They heard footsteps slowly approaching. It was Ezra. ''I knew that something was wrong...you guys were gone for too long...'' He looked over at Elara's dead body, and then at Castiel's. he kneeled beside him. ''He was a good friend.'' He said quietly. And then his face lit up. ''What the hell are you so happy about?'' Sam asked, sniffling. ''Wait here!!'' Ezra announced as he ran off.

A few minutes later, he came back with a girl. ''This is Lilly. She kept it a secret, but she is a Nephilim.'' She knelt before Cas. ''Hopefully, he does not have brain damage by now.'' She said quietly. Her eyes glowed orange as did her fingertips as she placed her hands on the side of Castiel's head. ''Shut your eyes.'' She warned. Sam and Dean knew the drill by now. Ezra closed his eyes too. A big white light exploded in the room. And whenever it died down and it was safe to open their eyes again, they looked at Cas.

There he was, good as new, lying there, unfrozen and breathing. The brothers could not thank Lilly enough. She just smiled and walked away. Dean slowly helped Cas sit up. ''H-Hey man, you good?'' ''i...I think so...what happened?'' Dean frowned. ''You do not remember?'' ''No...'' ''Elara...that dead demon over there,'' Ezra pointed. ''Put you in an ice box. You died...but Lilly saved you. ''Wow...I am...astonished.'' He moved his tongue a bit. ''My tooth is still gone.'' He slowly lifted up his shirt. ''My cut is healed!! Just scarred like my neck and arms now.'' he put his shirt back down. He was still mentally ill. He could feel it. He figured that he would be forever. ''We are getting the hell out of here. Now. Screw this place.'' Sam said, standing up. Dean and Cas stood up too. They were about to walk away until Cas quietly said, ''Stop...'' He turned and looked at Ezra. ''I do not want to...I will not leave you.'' ''But Cas...you have your own family to get back to.'' ''And so do you. How long have you been here, Ezra? Just be honest with me now, please.'' ''2 years.'' Cas felt a deep sadness in his heart. ''What...just for kleptomania? That is absurd. Come with us...please. Or call your family!!'' Ezra shook his head, looking down. ''Dont you get it, Cas? I have no damn family!! Nobody wants me to live with them because they think that I will just steal all their stuff. Maybe they are not wrong. I am grateful that I was not tortured and I am grateful that you are leaving. But there is nowhere else for me but here. Hollowed Creek is all that I know.'' ''But it does not have to be!! This place is not helping you heal. It is not helping anybody. Lilly, Zara, Liam, Kenji...everybody else...just...we can help them.'' Ezra sighed, looking away. But a new hopeful look was in his eyes. ''Alright...I guess that I can come with you...if it is ok with your friends?'' Sam and Dean nodded. Cas smiled. He was so happy to have Ezra join him. Maybe things were finally starting to look better.

At the bunker, they all sat around. Ezra talked to Sam and Dean about their hunting, and what monsters were real and what were not. And what could kill them? He talked a bit about his klepto and experiences at Hollowed Creek. Now, they just needed to find a way to get Lilly and the others either back to their families, with somebody who cared, or even possibly with them. But unfortunately, they could not house everybody. 

Cas was so happy to be back. He sat aways a bit, looking at his true friends and family, he knew exactly what he had to do. 

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Everything was in order. Sam was looking at yet another mental hospital called Whispering  Pines. Dean suggested that maybe they take a break from mental hospitals and maybe they could help Cas heal, even though they could use some therapy themselves. But they knew that Cas was very sick. He started losing weight again. Ezra caught him purging food that Sam and Dean made him eat. 

On a Thursday evening, Cas was sitting outside, staring at nothing, whenever Ezra approached him, sitting across from him. ''Hey, Cas...'' He said quietly. Cas looked up, smiling a bit. ''Hey, Ezra...'' ''Look, you are back home, right? That is all that you ever wanted. You are with people who love and care about you. It has been a few months now...and you almost died after Elara and I just...I mean, Lilly and all the other patients went back to their families, and Hollowed Creek is shut down now. I have recovered greatly from my kleptomania, and I really think that you can get better, Cas. I do not want to lose you again...'' Cas looked down, taking Ezra's words seriously, he was not going to take his own life again, but he had a plan. 

''Yeah...maybe you are right I just...'' He looked down. ''Xerces...'' He whispered. ''What?'' Ezra asked. Cas hit himself in the head. ''I CAN NEVER GET BETTER UNTIL XERCES GOES AWAY.'' Ezra seemed surprised. He had never seen Cas like this before. ''Hey hey...please do not hit yourself. Just...slow and steady...steady and slow...that is the way to go...ok? Just take a deep breath and tell me who Xerces is wherever you are ready...ok?'' Cas nods, taking a shaky breath. ''I am so sorry I just...once Elara brought that up and I gotten mad because I never talk about that...somehow Meg found out about it but...yeah...um...Xerces is-'' Before he could continue, Dean came out with Sam. ''Hey, guys. We are going to hit a vamp nest real quick. Will you 2 be ok here?'' Ezra and Cas both nodded. Sam given Ezra a nod of his head, their secret code that meant ''keep an eye on the mentally ill angel.'' Ezra nodded back, twice, and Sam and Dean were off.

''So what were you saying?'' Ezra asked kindly. ''Why must you guys treat me like a child? Oh wait... a dumb question...I tried to kill myself and I am getting worse.'' ''Cas...we are not trying to treat you like a child. We just care about you.'' Cas sighed. ''I don't know anymore...i want to go on a walk...alone...'' ''I am sorry but I cannot let you do that.'' ''I knew that free will was just an illusion!!'' ''Cas, please just...'' He sighed. ''How about we go on a walk together?'' ''Alright...i don't know how strong I am but we can go as far as we are comfortable with.'' Ezra nodded as they exited the bunker and started down the road. There was not much around, really. Mostly country. But Cas liked the quiet. He found solace in nature. ''Lucifer is real, you know,'' Cas said quietly as they walked down the dirt road. ''Oh yeah?'' Ezra replied, interested. ''Yes...he does not have horns and a tail like you think. He actually just looks like you and I. He is in a vessel named Nick. He has dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, and a really creepy smile. He is about as bad as you could imagine, though. He tortured poor Sam for the longest time.'' ''Really? That must have been awful...'' ''It was. He was severely sleep-deprived because Lucifer was in his head all the time, and he could not sleep for like 5 days. He had to go to a psych ward too.'' ''Oh my...'' ''Yeah...eventually, I felt so bad about breaking the wall in his head that kept the memories from hell from fronting, that I just taken the hallucinations for myself. But that is not what caused all these other issues now. I only seen Lucifer for about a day, but...then I just really opened my eyes. Everybody thought that I was crazy but...looking back on it now, it was amazing.'' Ezra smiled a bit. ''Yeah, I bet. So..how do you see the world now?'' Ezra asked. Cas shrugged. ''I mean, I have hallucinations sometimes and every now and then, things deceive me. Like sometimes whenever I see your face, there is a glitch for a second, and it is not you. But...yeah. I do not really know how to describe it.''

They continued walking for a bit, until Castiel said, ''I think that we should stop now.'' Ezra nods. ''No problem.''

They headed back to the bunker, mostly in silence. Whenever they finally arrived, they sat down. ''Hey, I am going to fix you something to eat, ok?'' Cas nodded, even though he did not want to eat. He had tried lying, saying that he gotten his grace back but Sam and Dean were not buying it for a second.

Eventually, Ezra came back with a plate of some leftover spaghetti that Sam had made the other night. Cas looked down at it with terror in his eyes. He could just imagine all the calories in the noodles plus the spaghetti sauce...it made him sick just thinking about it. {An empty stomach always feels better than a full stomach.} He thought. He decided that maybe he could distract Ezra. He pushed the spaghetti around on his plate and started talking nonstop. He thought that his trick was going to work and he was going to dump the rest in the garbage disposal or the toilet, but not the rubbish because that was too obvious. But Ezra seen what was going on all too well. ''Cas. I see what you are doing. Please stop. Just take a few bites that is all I ask.'' Cas sighed shakily. ''Fine...'' {Maybe I can sneak into the bathroom afterward and purge it.} Cas slowly ate a quarter of the spaghetti before pushing the plate away.

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Cas ended up purging the spaghetti right afterward. Fortunately for Cas, Ezra did not hear him. But in a way, it was also unfortunate. 

Ezra knocked on the bathroom door just as Cas was finishing up and flushed the toilet. ''Cas? Is everything ok in there?'' 

Cas wiped his mouth with the back of his trenchcoat sleeve, shakily.

''Y-Yes, Ezra...'' He shakily stood up. He gripped the sides of the sink and looked in the mirror. Deep down, he loved how sick he looked.  He had gaunt sunken cheeks, and his cheekbones were protruding. He had hollowed, sunken in eyes, and he looked paler than ever. The blue in his eyes really stood out. He unlocked the bathroom door and slowly made his way out. ''What were you doing in there?'' Ezra asked in a way that was not exactly friendly. ''I was just-'' ''Angels do not use the bathroom and I know that you are not 100% human. Not yet.'' ''I was washing my hands.'' He lied. Ezra arched an eyebrow. ''I thought that I heard some retching sounds.'' Cas swallowed thickly. ''You didn't.'' ''How can I be so sure?'' Ezra went closer to him and grabbed his bony hand. There were new marks on his knuckles from where he bit down. He was even starting to get some teeth damage. Ezra walked into the bathroom. ''It smells like vomit in here.'' Castiel's heart dropped. He was usually so good at hiding it. ''Ezra...please...I'm sorry...'' ''You are never going to get better, are you, Cas?'' Ezra asked in a way that broken Castiel's heart. Castiel's eyes watered. Ezra went up to him and hugged him. ''I-I do want to recover, Ezra. But I am too far gone.'' He sobbed. ''I appreciate everything that you, Sam, Dean, and Meg have done for me but...you guys cannot fix me. I have always been diseased. I am sick terminally. Chronically.'' Ezra did not say anything. He just kept on hugging him and rubbing his back soothingly. 

After a while, Cas just decided to lie down on the couch. 

Eventually, Sam and Dean returned from the hunt. Cas had already begged Ezra not to tell them that he purged, but he had to. ''Hey, guys!! How did it go?'' Sam asked. ''Fine,'' Ezra replied flatly. ''How was the hunt?'' ''Easy!!'' Ezra smiled a bit. ''That is good.'' Dean noticed Cas on the couch. ''Is he ok?'' Ezra looked down a bit. ''Uh...'' He made a gesture with his hand that said 'follow me.' Sam and Dean followed. ''Look...I know you guys will probably be mad at me, but...I made Cas some spaghetti and he ate about a quarter of it. I thought that everything would be fine until...um...I found out that he um...'' ''Spit it out!!'' Dean exclaimed. Ezra flinched a bit. Sam has given him a warning look. ''He purged it up...'' Sam's eyes widened, and he seemed scared. Dean just seemed pissed. Sam vaguely wondered if Dean would try to put him in the malack box again. ''Why would you let him do that.'' Dean demanded angrily. ''I-I didn't!!'' ''Did you really think that it was wise to let him go to the bathroom right after he eats?! You know damn well about his anorexia did you not know about his bulimia too?!'' ''Dean...'' Sam said quietly.

''No, Sammy. He needs to learn. We welcomed you here, Ezra and we did not have to. We mostly only did it because Cas wanted it. We thought that maybe you could help him sense y'all were buddies, but maybe I was wrong. We could kick you out of here anytime.''

Ezra looked like he was going to cry, but he did not. ''Then do it...'' He said, looking down. ''Just like my family.'' 

Sam sighed. ''No, Ezra. We will not do that. Dean is just angry. It is not your fau-'' ''Oh, for Christs sake, yes it is!!'' He balled up his fist. ''I think that bring him here was a bad idea.'' He walked away. 

''I am so sorr-'' ''Stop. Ezra. Listen to me. This is not your fault at all. We should not have left you here thinking that you knew how to deal with somebody as mentally ill as Cas. We appreciate your efforts. At this point, I am not even sure if Cas will ever get better. I have always had faith in him. He told you that. The story about him becoming God and I prayed for him. But it comes to a certain point where it is what it is. This is different then a curse or a spell. This is mental illness.''

Ezra nodded, sniffling. ''So...is it my fault or not? And am I getting kicked out or not?'' ''It is...not really your fault. I do agree that you should have kept a better eye on him but then again, maybe you genuinely had no idea. And no, you are welcome here for as long as you desire.'' Ezra nods. ''Thank you, Sam.'' ''Of course. Now, lets go check on him, shall we?'' Ezra nods, smiling a bit. 

Him and Sam walk out to the couch where Cas was lying. But he was not there. Their hearts skipped a beat, though they did not know why because he could literally be in any other room.

So they started looking all around. They could not find him anywhere. They started freaking out. They even looked outside at places where he might be, like the garden or woods. But no. Sam decided to call Dean, hoping that maybe he taken Cas for a drive.

''What.'' Dean said whenever he picked up the phone.

''Is Cas with you?'' Sam asked.

''No.''

''Damn it. We cannot find him anywhere!!''

''What the hell do you mean?!''

''I was just talking with Ezra and we went back to the couch and he was gone!!''

Deans previous anger at Ezra melted away into a puddle of fear and anxiety. Where the hell could Cas be? Glenwood Springs? To see Meg per chance?

Their angel was missing.

Chapter Text

Everything was in order. Sam was looking at yet another mental hospital called Whispering  Pines. Dean suggested that maybe they take a break from mental hospitals and maybe they could help Cas heal, even though they could use some therapy themselves. But they knew that Cas was very sick. He started losing weight again. Ezra caught him purging food that Sam and Dean made him eat. 

On a Thursday evening, Cas was sitting outside, staring at nothing, whenever Ezra approached him, sitting across from him. ''Hey, Cas...'' He said quietly. Cas looked up, smiling a bit. ''Hey, Ezra...'' ''Look, you are back home, right? That is all that you ever wanted. You are with people who love and care about you. It has been a few months now...and you almost died after Elara and I just...I mean, Lilly and all the other patients went back to their families, and Hollowed Creek is shut down now. I have recovered greatly from my kleptomania, and I really think that you can get better, Cas. I do not want to lose you again...'' Cas looked down, taking Ezra's words seriously, he was not going to take his own life again, but he had a plan. 

''Yeah...maybe you are right I just...'' He looked down. ''Xerces...'' He whispered. ''What?'' Ezra asked. Cas hit himself in the head. ''I CAN NEVER GET BETTER UNTIL XERCES GOES AWAY.'' Ezra seemed surprised. He had never seen Cas like this before. ''Hey hey...please do not hit yourself. Just...slow and steady...steady and slow...that is the way to go...ok? Just take a deep breath and tell me who Xerces is wherever you are ready...ok?'' Cas nods, taking a shaky breath. ''I am so sorry I just...once Elara brought that up and I gotten mad because I never talk about that...somehow Meg found out about it but...yeah...um...Xerces is-'' Before he could continue, Dean came out with Sam. ''Hey, guys. We are going to hit a vamp nest real quick. Will you 2 be ok here?'' Ezra and Cas both nodded. Sam given Ezra a nod of his head, their secret code that meant ''keep an eye on the mentally ill angel.'' Ezra nodded back, twice, and Sam and Dean were off.

''So what were you saying?'' Ezra asked kindly. ''Why must you guys treat me like a child? Oh wait... a dumb question...I tried to kill myself and I am getting worse.'' ''Cas...we are not trying to treat you like a child. We just care about you.'' Cas sighed. ''I don't know anymore...i want to go on a walk...alone...'' ''I am sorry but I cannot let you do that.'' ''I knew that free will was just an illusion!!'' ''Cas, please just...'' He sighed. ''How about we go on a walk together?'' ''Alright...i don't know how strong I am but we can go as far as we are comfortable with.'' Ezra nodded as they exited the bunker and started down the road. There was not much around, really. Mostly country. But Cas liked the quiet. He found solace in nature. ''Lucifer is real, you know,'' Cas said quietly as they walked down the dirt road. ''Oh yeah?'' Ezra replied, interested. ''Yes...he does not have horns and a tail like you think. He actually just looks like you and I. He is in a vessel named Nick. He has dirty blonde hair, blue eyes, and a really creepy smile. He is about as bad as you could imagine, though. He tortured poor Sam for the longest time.'' ''Really? That must have been awful...'' ''It was. He was severely sleep-deprived because Lucifer was in his head all the time, and he could not sleep for like 5 days. He had to go to a psych ward too.'' ''Oh my...'' ''Yeah...eventually, I felt so bad about breaking the wall in his head that kept the memories from hell from fronting, that I just taken the hallucinations for myself. But that is not what caused all these other issues now. I only seen Lucifer for about a day, but...then I just really opened my eyes. Everybody thought that I was crazy but...looking back on it now, it was amazing.'' Ezra smiled a bit. ''Yeah, I bet. So..how do you see the world now?'' Ezra asked. Cas shrugged. ''I mean, I have hallucinations sometimes and every now and then, things deceive me. Like sometimes whenever I see your face, there is a glitch for a second, and it is not you. But...yeah. I do not really know how to describe it.''

They continued walking for a bit, until Castiel said, ''I think that we should stop now.'' Ezra nods. ''No problem.''

They headed back to the bunker, mostly in silence. Whenever they finally arrived, they sat down. ''Hey, I am going to fix you something to eat, ok?'' Cas nodded, even though he did not want to eat. He had tried lying, saying that he gotten his grace back but Sam and Dean were not buying it for a second.

Eventually, Ezra came back with a plate of some leftover spaghetti that Sam had made the other night. Cas looked down at it with terror in his eyes. He could just imagine all the calories in the noodles plus the spaghetti sauce...it made him sick just thinking about it. {An empty stomach always feels better than a full stomach.} He thought. He decided that maybe he could distract Ezra. He pushed the spaghetti around on his plate and started talking nonstop. He thought that his trick was going to work and he was going to dump the rest in the garbage disposal or the toilet, but not the rubbish because that was too obvious. But Ezra seen what was going on all too well. ''Cas. I see what you are doing. Please stop. Just take a few bites that is all I ask.'' Cas sighed shakily. ''Fine...'' {Maybe I can sneak into the bathroom afterward and purge it.} Cas slowly ate a quarter of the spaghetti before pushing the plate away.

Chapter Text

I just want to thank everybody who has read The Red Spiral. This story has meant the world to me and I wanted to write about Castiel in a way that nobody ever has before. I love him, dont get me wrong, but I remember reading whump fanfiction about him that was just not enough. So that is why I written The Red Spiral. Each chapter was exactly 1000 words. So it has over 23k words, which is more than any other story that I have ever written!!

I would like to thank my biggest supporter, Karly, for being my main motivation for this hefty novel, and because she voted on every single chapter (go check out her awesome stories !! iikxrlyii on Wattpad)

Also, feel free to check out my other Wattpad accounts !! just look at my followers and any of the names that say max are me lol. I am also kindhearts on fanfiction.net!!

I have to give the biggest shout-out, though, to a song called Numbers by TEMPOREX. That song inspired me to start this in the 1st place!!

I also have to give my acknowledgements to @drezzdon on insta, his weirdcore videos certainly inspired me and that is how Castiel sees the world in my story!! Certain creepy tiktok edits, the book The Bell Jar by Sylvia Plath, girl, interrupted (the book and movie) the movie horse girl, Jimmy from supernatural (aka Castiel's Vessel), the play Hamlet, the salad fingers series, a certain episode of the flash, certain supernatural episodes and of course, my friend Maddi whenever she told me about a crazy teacher that she once had in Nevada who thought that people lived in lamps.

I also have to give a BIG Shout-out to these music artists: antihoney, Baby Bugs, New Order, dolleater, Car Seat Headrest, Halsey, Melanie Martinez, love.nicotine, sub urban, maebi, Current joys, crystal castles, grimes, pet shop boys, and boards of Canada.

I am sure that i am forgetting some people / things in my acknowledgments here, but that about wraps it up!! All of the pictures for my story came from the dark side of twitter or tumblr. #deadontheweb

The ending is up to your interpretation.

P.S. There will be a sequel!! It is called Xerces (like the Xerces blue butterfly that went extinct in the 40's, or the song by Deftones, up to your interpretation, really.) I have many ideas for it, but nothing is quite set in stone yet!!

From the bottom of my heart, thank you all <3

~max & cas