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Chapter Text

The closing shifts just before exam time were the worst ones to be working, in Rey’s opinion. There was something about having to tell exhausted, over-caffeinated, stressed and desperate undergraduate students that the library was closing and they’d have to stop working and leave that made her feel like a complete arsehole.

Tonight is no exception; two over-worked Masters students with impending deadlines, the usual groups and individuals desperately cramming and a group of cocky first-years who had no idea what the next few years had in store for them; but at least nobody started crying this time.

Now the tables were clear, the computers were off, and the only light was coming from the emergency lighting at odd intervals down the shelves. Silence and shadows reigned supreme and Rey was going to do one more circle of the stacks before locking up for good. She was looking forward to going home, polishing off her last assignment and a large cup of hot chocolate before bed.

In Rey’s defence, he was dressed entirely in black and it was very dark in the shadows in the stacks, so she didn’t see him until she tripped right over him.

“What the hell…” Rey picked herself up off the floor, feeling the hot sting of carpet burn on her elbow that she was going to have a hell of a time explaining to Finn later. “Crap.”

“Hm? Who’s that?” A deep baritone, thick with sleep, came sliding out of the dim light just behind her.

“I’m the bloody librarian, we’re closed, who on earth are you and what are you doing back here?”

“What? Where are you? Actually, hang on.” There was the sound of rustling fabric, and then the small area was illuminated by the bright light of an iPhone screen. Rey got her first look at the person who’d put her on the floor.

She didn’t recognise him, but then again she’d had so many people through here in the last few days he could have been anyone, despite the distinctive face; large nose, thin cheeks speckled with moles, dark hair flopping over his forehead.

“Hello,” he said.

“Hi,” said Rey shortly. “Mind telling me why you’re hiding in the stacks at closing time?”

With one hand he brandished the book on his lap. “Trying to get some extra reading in. It’s my last exam tomorrow, my housemate has his boyfriend over and they are being so. Damn. Loud. I didn’t mean to drop off, honest.”

“You were asleep?”

“There was definitely more light when I got in here. Did you fall over me?”

“Yes I did. Thanks for the carpet burn by the way, I’m going to have a really hard time explaining to my best friend that I wasn’t having illicit after-hours sex in the library.”

The man chuckled. “Does she usually assume that?”

“He, and unfortunately, yes.” Rey loved Finn with all her heart but he’d been taking far too much interest in her sex life (or lack thereof) since he and Poe started going out.

“Well, if you’d like to have illicit, after-hours sex in the library, I’d be more than willing to help out…”

Rey rolled her eyes. “Men. Jesus Christ. Right, let’s get out of here. I have to lock up and I’d really like to go home.”

The mystery stack sleeper hauled himself to his feet – all six of them, Rey estimated. No wonder she’d tripped over him, his legs went on for miles.

She climbed to her feet and swept out of the stacks before the situation could get any more awkward.

She had to hang around the entryway, leaning against the open door, while the guy gathered the rest of his things together. Once he was out and the door all locked up, they wandered out into the clear night.

“Which direction are you going in?” she asked.

“Back towards the student village. You?”

She nodded. “Same. Are you a first year too?”

“Nah. Postgrad.”

“Ah.” Same village, different halls.

“So how does a first year land a job at a university library?”

Rey shrugged. “I worked in one back where I grew up, before I moved out for Uni. Worked out well when I was applying for jobs. It’s not exactly the biggest library on campus to be fair.”

“True. Course?”

“Aerospace engineering.”

“Wow.”

Rey turned on him. “What do you mean, wow? Because I’m a girl?”

“What? Holy shit, no! Just, my Dad’s an ex-RAF pilot and I grew up with people who knew all about that kind of thing, and I always thought they were really clever…and…damn. Sorry.”

Rey silently thought he wasn’t being serious, but she accepted the apology anyway. “Who’s your dad, then?”

“Han Solo.”

Rey stopped in her tracks. “The Han Solo?!”

“You’ve heard of him?”

“I’m an aerospace engineering student and my best friend is dating an RAF wannabe, of course I’ve heard of Han Solo!”

“Right. Stupid question.”

Rey glanced up at the bitter tone to his voice. He was looking straight ahead, a blank look in his eyes. “What is it?”

“You sound exactly like everyone else who’s ever heard of my dad, that’s all.”

If he’s looking for sympathy, he’s not going to get it from Rey. “Oh, I get it. Famous dad, you’re trying to get out from under his shadow. Goody for you. At least your father wants to know you.”

He looked around sharply. “How do you mean?”

“I’m a foster kid. Mum institutionalised, Dad too busy womanising to give a crap about his own kid. I haven’t laid eyes on either of them in fifteen years.”

“Damn. Sorry. Again.”

Rey, feeling bad for snapping, shook her head. “It’s okay. It was a long time ago. Anyway, my grandfather eventually worked out his son had a kid and volunteered to take me in. I was luckier than most. And I’ve met some good people since then. It’s the past.”

They fell silent, walking through the quiet, shadowed campus. The dim orange light of the streetlights threw them into profile every few steps. Rey shoved her hands in her pockets as a chilly late autumn breeze fluttered across her face and through her hair. The sounds of campus life drifted across the wind as muffled music, the occasional shout and raucous laughter. For some, exams have finished. For others, they never started.

Eventually they reached her block. Rey turned to him, took a breath.

“Thanks, for accidently walking me home, I suppose.”

He smiles. “Thanks for waking me up. Being locked in the library overnight would only have been funny afterwards.”

Rey smiled. “That’s very true.”

They stood there in silence. Silence half awkward, half expectant. Expecting what, Rey doesn’t know.

“Um, goodnight, I guess,” Rey said eventually.

“Yeah. Goodnight.”

Rey turns to swipe her card in the reader by the door. The other man turns to walk away, when something occurs to him and he turns back.

“Wait. What’s your name?”

She turns back. He’s stood just within the light of her block’s entrance. “I’m Rey.”

“I’m Ben.”

“Goodnight Rey.”

“Goodnight Ben.”

***

She’s not surprised, next morning, when she finds a new friend request from a Benjamin Solo on her Facebook page. She only hesitates for a moment before hitting ‘Accept.’

Chapter Text

“So how the hell do you know Ben Solo?” Finn asked as he plopped into the chair next to her in the central library the next morning.

“Good morning to you too, Trooper.” Rey barely glanced up from her page of equations.

“Seriously Rey. How do you know him?”

Rey looked up, caught by the intensity in his voice. Finn and Rey had met during fresher’s week as fellow foster children, and several drunken nights spent consuming questionable alcohol later, had formed a very strong bond. Rey knew Finn would always have her back, just as she would always have Finns’…but right now Finn looked and sounded like he’d just seen a ghost. And that ghost had just told him he was going to fail his final exams.

“Why do you want to know?” she asked.

Finn just raised his eyebrows. Rey sighed.

“I was locking up last night and he was asleep in the stacks. I woke him up, got him out, he walked back to my halls with me. He whined about his Dad, I told him to get a grip. Nothing awful happened.”

Finn still didn’t look happy. “Look, he’s bad news, okay? Promise me you’re not going to do anything stupid like…I don’t know. Stupid things.”

Rey stares at him. “Okay, what? What are you talking about?”

Finn closed his eyes and sighed. “I used to go to the same school as him. He was…well he was more than a bully. He and his gang pretty much ran the place. Whatever he wanted, he got, and it wasn’t always pleasantly. And…” He trailed off.

“What, Finn?”

“Well I don’t know if this is true but there were rumours, that he was involved in high-level criminal activity. I don’t mean teenage delinquency, I mean serious shit, drug rackets and that kind of thing. At seventeen. I mean, nobody ever proved anything, but maybe nobody needed to.”

Rey is stunned. “How can you be sure?”

“Because I used to run with them. When I was young, and stupid. Luckily, I got out before I did anything truly idiotic but…just trust me when I say that none of them are anything good. If he’s being nice to you, it’s because he wants something.”

Rey is stunned. “Wow. Okay. It’s hard to believe though. He seemed no normal. He spent most of his time apologising for saying dick-ish things”

“Rey, no matter what he says, he’s not a good person. I don’t want to see you get hurt.”

His phone chimed with a text before she could quiz him further. From the sappy look that came across his face, it’s probably Poe, so Rey left him to it and went back to her work.

***

It bugged her though, twirling around in the back of her head. She simply couldn’t believe it of the awkward, intelligent and mildly dorky young man.

Then again, she’d known evil wear much prettier forms.

When she finished at the library that afternoon and landed back in the clam sanctuary of her room, she booted up her second-hand laptop and logged onto Facebook.

His page looked normal enough. Appropriately bad profile picture, snowy forest scene for his banner.  Likes a lot of rock n’ roll and old black white films. Most of his statuses along the lines of ‘stress stress stress,’ and ‘fuck this postgrad/undergrad/shit.’ Going back to…three years ago, where there was a big sign that said ‘Joined Facebook.’

Hm.

In the ‘About’ section she found a link to a Tumblr profile – far darker than his Facebook page. His url was kylo-solo. The aesthetic looked to be a cross between emo and anti –SJW. The two profiles were polar-opposite.

So was Finn right?

More importantly, who was the real Ben?

More confused than ever, she cut back to her own Facebook, where she found a message from the man himself.

Hey. You free to get coffee tomorrow?

Rey hesitated.

On the one hand, Finn had never lied to her. On the other hand, reconciling kylo-solo with the dorky bloke she’d tripped over last night was almost impossible.

You never know until you know.

She types back: Sure. 2:00pm @ Maz’s?

The reply is almost instantaneous: See you there ; )

In the back of her head, Rey wonders if he’s playing her.

Out loud, she says, “Dork.”

***

She has to sprint out of her lecture and across to the café the next afternoon, but she’s still there in good time. Ben isn’t, so she orders a large mocha and sits down at a window seat to wait. It’s started to drizzle, the rain mixing with the red autumn leaves falling from the trees planted in the pavement.

Maz’s Café is a campus favourite with students and locals alike. Post lunchtime rush, the place is quiet and warm, the gentle clink of cups competing with a gentle hum of conversation from the three or four tables of patrons seeking shelter from the weather.

It isn’t long before walks through the door. She hadn’t been wrong, in the dark last night. He’s six foot three of pure legs, wrapped in a long black coat and dark green scarf. He gives her a short wave and languidly makes his way across the floor to her table.

“Hello. Have you been waiting long?”

“Only about five minutes.”

He smiles. “Right. Watch my coat, would you?”

“Sure.”

He nods, and lopes away to the counter to place his order. Rey watched him go, and found herself wishing, for the first time in her life, that Finn was wrong.

***

“…so Hux, because he’s a fucking idiot, actually walks up to him and says it!”

“You are kidding!” Rey spluttered. “So what happened?”

“What do you think happened? The guy went red in the face and he basically fucking exploded. I wish I’d filmed it now. Hux wanted to kill me for months.”

“I’m not sure I blame him.” Rey stirred her spoon around her second mocha.

“Yeah. My mum wasn’t too impressed either. I mean, the man was a chief executive and there was no way she believed me when I tried to pass it off as totally Hux’s idea.”

“You’re a bit of a prick to your friends, aren’t you?”

“Only the ones who deserve it.”

Rey laughed again. “So, have I heard of your mother as well?”

“Possibly. Leia Organa spring to mind?”

Rey’s jaw dropped. “You mean the current Chief Superintendent at Scotland Yard?”

“That’s the one.”

“Wow.”

Ben sighed, and some of the life goes out of his eyes.

Rey leant forward earnestly. “Ben, what’s the deal with all of you? You have an amazing family, but every time one of your parents is mentioned, you look like someone died.”

Ben went very quiet for a while. “If I tell you it’s complicated, would you drop it, at least for the time being?” he said at last.

“Define ‘complicated.’”

“We….” He looked really uncomfortable for a moment. “We haven’t always gotten along. I’m not particularly proud of what happened, and I’m not sure it’s appropriate first date material.”

Nothing else could have stopped Rey in her tracks at that point. “Date?”

Ben went pink. “Um. I mean…I mean, yes. If you want, I mean. I…Maybe I should have made that clearer in my message.”

“Maybe, yes.”

“Sorry. Again. Christ. First I trip you up and then I spring a date on you. I can’t get it right, can I?”

Rey shrugged. “I don’t know. You haven’t tried to put your hand up my skirt yet. That’s one up on most guys who ask me out.”

“I suppose so, yes. I’d like a chance to though…to get it right, I mean! God damn it…” He put his head on the table. “Ground, swallow me, please.”

Rey cracked up. “Take a deep breath, yeah?”

He makes a big show of breathing in and then out.

“Now, start again?”

He grins. “Rey Jakksun, would you like to go out with me?”

“Well, Ben Solo…”

But she never finished her sentence. Because, that was the moment Dominic Hux and Natalie Phasma walked through the door, the moment they made a beeline for Ben’s table, and the moment the shit royally hit the fan.

Chapter Text

“I can’t believe those pricks,” said Poe.

Rey’s face was still buried in the pillow.

“I should have listened to you, Finn, I’m so sorry.” Her voice was muffled by the pillow and her tears.

“One of these days, you guys are going to realise that I am always right,” said Finn.

“And Rey’s just had a shock,” said Poe. “Maybe less with the gloating?”

“Yeah, shit. I’m sorry, Rey.”

Rey remained in the pillow, and didn’t respond.

“Ren? What the hell are you doing here?”

Ben whipped around and stared at up the speaker – a red-headed man who looked as though there was a bad smell under his nose.

“Hux. I could ask you the same question.”

Ben’s voice was like ice as it freezes across a pond. He rose to his feet and suddenly Rey had a very bad feeling about all of this. Because she’s met him all of twice, but his shoulders should not be set like that, like he’s prepping for a fight, here and now.

“Oh, don’t pretend that you didn’t know we were supposed to be meeting right now.”

“Phasma, Hux, can we do this some other time, please?”

“No. I told you where to meet us, and when, and you simply blew us off. You know why we’re here.”

“And who we are here on behalf of,” added Phasma.

“Actually, no I don’t. I told you I was done.” Ben’s voice was rising into furious levels.

The entire café is now staring at them. Rey wants to die.

“BEN SOLO!”

Maz Kanata, the café’s tiny, dark skinned and ferocious owner, clattered out of the kitchen, alerted by the noise. Her sharp eyes took in the scene before her.

“How about you all take whatever the hell you’re fighting about out of my café. Especially you - ” She points at Ben. “Don’t think I’ve forgotten your temper tantrums, young man.”

All three froze at the sound of her voice, but her last words seemed to stir Hux to life. He turned on his heel and marched towards the door, followed by Phasma. After one last glance at Maz, Ben followed them. "Rey, please stay here," he said.

"Fuck that." Rey grabbed her coat and dashed after them.

They weren’t ten paces away from the café before Hux and Phasma both rounded on Ben.

“Snoke isn’t happy. He told us to tell you, if you wanted to come back, it might not be so painful.”

“I told you, I am done with that life, and he knows it.” Ben stated.

“Why did you agree to meet with us then? The Kylo Ren I remember would never have agreed to a meeting if he wasn’t willing to at least listen.”

Ben blanched. Rey was completely confused.

“Ben, what are they talking about, what is going on?”

Hux smiled. It reminded Rey of a snake.

“Little girl, you might want to stay out of business that doesn’t concern you.”

“Don’t talk to her. You don’t have the right - ” Ben began.

“Oh, I think I do. Is this the reason you won’t reconsider? Your little piece of - ”

“Finish that sentence and you will regret it,” Rey snarls.

Phasma laughed coldly. “She’s feisty. I like her.”

Rey turned to Ben. “I thought Hux was an old friend. I thought you didn’t talk anymore”

“He was…we don’t, not really.” Ben looked like he was fishing desperately for something, anything to say.

“Rey, he’s still Kylo Ren…no matter what he may have told you, he’s still Kylo Ren,” said Hux, unable to contain his glee at the scene unfolding before him.

“Not any more. I left that persona behind me,” Ben growled at him. Hux simply smiled. Ben took a step towards him, fist clenched like his was just seconds away from letting fly. Rey grabbed his arm.

“He’s not worth it,” she said in a low voice.

For a moment, she thought he was going to shake her off and deck the redhead. Then he pulled himself together with a visible effort.

He turned to look down at her. He looked like he was on the rack. “Rey…please believe me, I left all that years ago.”

“Hang on – Kylo Ren? As in the First Order Knights of Ren? The gang that got busted in that massive operation a few years ago?”

“It was a very old nickname he used online as a teenager. When we brought him on board, he kept it. Kylo Ren. Master of all the knights. Second only to the boss himself.”

“I know. His tumblr link…”

Ben went pale. The wind picked up, whipping dark hair into his face. “Oh God…you found that. Look, Rey…”

“No, don’t ‘Rey’ me. If this is who you really are…you can fuck off, okay? I don’t want to know.”

No longer trusting herself to hold it together, she turned and ran.

Chapter Text

Rey didn’t lay eyes on him for a full two months. She didn’t really want to either.

Finn and Poe had been amazing; Netflix, ice cream, Poe’s amazing home-made cookies - the works. It was like a bad break-up sketch, except there’d never really been a relationship in the first place.

Rey didn’t regret walking away. She was upset, but also pleased that she’d escaped before she’d done something stupid like fall for him.

She’d never have the chance to explore that connection, though. To find out if that wonderful dynamic they’d had in the café that afternoon could had led to something more.

Still, maybe in the long run, that was better. She had other things to think about. She’d had to throw herself back almost immediately into the middle of her revision, working it around her job and her assignments. Once lectures finished, she went home to her grandfather’s for their usual quiet, stress-free Christmas. Then it was back to university and straight into her exams. Rey didn’t have time to mourn what could have been.

Poe and Finn were both waiting for her when she walked out of her last exam. She met Poe’s high-five and accepted Finn’s hug.

“Christ, I’m glad that’s over.”

“Coffee?” asked Finn.

“Thanks, but I’m shattered. I just want to go home and sleep. Sorry guys. Tomorrow, promise.”

“You know, coffee helps with the whole ‘awake’ thing,” Poe teased.

“Wow, no shit. I’ll see you guys tomorrow. You’re off the friend-obligations hook. Go have shower sex or something.”

“Now there’s an idea…hey, Finn, you know you said - ” mused Poe.

“Okay, love you as I do, there are somethings I don’t want to hear the gory details of. Catch you later.” Rey beat a hasty retreat.

She felt light as a feather walking back to her halls. She faced two weeks free of lectures and assignments before she had to jump back in again, and the first and only thing she wanted was a shower and a nap.

That plan flew out of the window when she spotted the tall, lanky figure leaning against the entrance, clearly waiting for her. Rey’s heart missed a beat.

She slowed down as she approached him, considered turning around and going out for coffee anyway, but as though he could feel her coming, he looked up and saw her.

Rey didn’t know what to think.

“What are you doing here?” she asked, as soon as she was close enough.

He looked miserable, not to mention cold.

“Can I talk to you?”

“I think enough was said at the time.” She tried to move past him, but he smoothly moved to block her.

“Please. 10 minutes. That chance I never got?”

“Do you deserve it, though?”

His voice hardened. “Rey, you hardly know me. You spoke to me twice. Please, please give me a chance to put things right. I’m not asking you to go out with me again. I just want to you to listen. You can judge me afterwards.”

Rey deliberated for a second. Then she sighed. “Fine. 10 minutes.”

***

“You were right when you said I had an amazing family. When I was a kid though, I didn’t see it that way. If Mum wasn’t working she was tired or distracted, and when Dad was in the house, they fought, a lot.”

Rey hummed, cupping her steaming mug of tea in her hands. Ben was curled up in her desk chair, long legs tucked awkwardly underneath him. His own tea sat untouched on her desk.

“As you can imagine, I got a bit lost in the shuffle, and when you’re eight, feeling like your parents don’t give a damn is...well, you know what I mean, don’t you?”

Rey does. Eight had been a bad year for her as well.

“So, when I started secondary school it didn’t take me long to fall in with the wrong crowd. It wasn’t much at first. Shoplifting. Breaking and entering. Vandalism. Hanging around on street corners and acting like hooligans. Stupid teenager stuff, just for kicks. Finn will tell you, he was there for a lot of it. Then, when I was fifteen, Hux approached me. Said he’d been offered a ‘lucrative opportunity’ and was I interested. Obviously the answer was yes, and we became drug couriers for one of the most powerful criminal empires in London.”

“Hux mentioned a name. Snoke.”

“Snoke. It’s not his real name, it’s just what we all have to call him. Anyway, we were fourteen and stupid, making a mint over our weekends and loving it. Cycling around London with a couple of thousand pounds worth of drugs in our backpacks. Thing is, once we were in, it kind of snowballed. ‘Take these drugs to this person, and make sure he gives you this in return’. Then it was ‘carry this message to this person and don’t leave without a reply.’ Then ‘this person has reneged on a payment, make sure he doesn’t do it again.’ You get the picture”

“How old were you when you were given these opportunities?”

Ben shook his head. “16? 17? Something like that. It was a very long time ago. When it came to persuasion we were very creative. And morally dubious.”

“At 16?”

Ben shook his head. “Age isn’t an excuse.”

“I know, but at 16?”

“Like I said, we were creative. And so we rose through the ranks. I won’t horrify you with the gory details, just trust me when I say none of it was good. I’d long left home by that stage, but my mum’s a police officer and a damn good one as well and she knew, right from the start. I know it destroyed her. It almost ended my parent’s marriage too. Yes, they fought, and they fought a lot, but I wasn’t exactly nice to either of them during that stage. I know no teenager is especially nice to their parents, but I…I cut all ties. Denied I ever knew them, denied my own name. Snoke and his organisation knew me simply as Kylo Ren. Eventually I made head honcho of the Knights of Ren, the iron first of the First Order. I was 19.”

Rey had no words.

“I’d be lying if I said there were no aspects that I enjoyed. I had power. I had respect. For the first time I felt like I was valued. I know I’m not really one to talk to you about parent issues, but I felt like Snoke and his cronies gave me a place to belong, something that up until then, I never felt I’d had. But I knew I was doing wrong and yet I carried on doing it anyway because I couldn’t see any other path. It got to a point, though, when I developed…issues. The beatings got worse, the punishments harsher. It was tearing me apart, and I knew it. Even so it was another two years before I decided I couldn’t take it anymore.”

He went very quiet for a long time.

“What did you do?” Rey prompted gently.

“I went to my mother and turned myself in. I turned in half the organisation too. It went to trial, of course but I only served three and a half years in total – it was a plea bargain, for as much information as I could give them. I’m still in anger management training though, it’s one of my conditions. Mum and my Uncle Luke managed to keep me out of the news as well. Having powerful family has some perks. I think my mum had worked out by that point that I was truly sorry. It’s taken my dad a little bit longer. I don’t blame him.”

“So the two who turned up at Maz’s were…?”

“Hux and Phasma. The only other two people as high up as me.”

“Didn’t they get put away as well?”

“Well, Hux served time as well but was recently let out for good behaviour, obviously. And Phasma. I knew they’d come back for me some day. Most of the rest are still inside. Snoke is still out there, mostly because nobody knows who he really is. But he won’t do anything to me unless he thinks I’m going to threaten him directly.”

“Would you?”

“Would I what?”

“Threaten him directly.”

Ben shook his head vehemently. “Fuck, no way. I’m done with that life. He can go his way and I’ll go mine, I don’t give a damn what he’s doing with himself, which is probably rebuilding his empire, well away from everything I knew about.” His head tipped back and hit the chair’s headrest. “I’m a prize idiot. Snoke used to tell me that the world was unforgiving, and that we had to be just as unforgiving. Anyone who didn’t take whatever they wanted, whenever they wanted to, was weak. I thought I was doing just that, taking what the world owed me, but it turned out I was the weak one. I should have followed Finn when he got out years ago. My first year out of jail I spent constantly looking over my shoulder. There’s probably a hit out for me somewhere, which is why I’m glad nobody aside from Hux knew what my real name was. It took four years in therapy to even start to forgive myself. I fucked up my entire life with one stupid decision after another, and I’m still trying to rebuild everything after that. I don’t want anything to do with any of them!”

He looked very small, all of a sudden, curled up in her wonky desk chair, refusing to look her in the eye. Ashamed of himself.

“So when you said it was complicated with your parents…?”

“I meant my Dad is Han Solo, Flying Ace, and my Mum is Leia Organa, the Chief Superintendent at Scotland Yard and their son is Benjamin Solo, well known underground criminal mastermind. It makes for interesting family dinners.”

Rey can’t help but smile at that. “I know I don’t exactly have the monopoly on screwed up starts in life.”

“You’re different. You made the best of what you had. I was born with the best and I threw it away.”

Rey remained silent. He wasn’t wrong, and they both knew it.

Ben sensed her churning thoughts. “Maybe I should go.”

“I think that would be best.”

He nodded, and unfolded himself from his chair.

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“I don’t know. Everything, I suppose.”

“That isn’t an answer.”

“It’s the best one I’ve got.”

Rey closed her eyes and tried to calm her brain. “I need to think, Ben. I need to process all of this. It’s like something out of a Liam Neeson film.”

“Oh come on. I’m a lot better looking than Liam Neeson.”

It was delivered weakly, a poor attempt to lighten the atmosphere, but Rey smiled and shook her head all the same.

After he was got, the room seemed very big and very empty, and very quiet.

Chapter Text

Long after the lights had been turned off, and the last patron had showered and left, the gym echoed with the sound of thumping fists.

The sandbag shook and swung with every hit Ben threw at it. He’d been at it for so long he’d split a knuckle even through his bindings. He welcomed the sting. Combined with the rhythmic thumps of his fists against the fabric, they became a point of focus outside of the storm clouds in his brain. It gave him clarity. It let him think. It also meant he wasn’t smashing up his room in his fury at himself.

The one time. The one time he wanted to make a fresh start without the shadow of his past hanging over his head. With a girl he actually liked, ad who sure as hell didn’t deserve him.

He’d spent his childhood feeling ignored, his adolescence refusing to be ignored, and most of his twenties in a jail cell wanting to be ignored. He’d taken up boxing to have something to hit without breaking anything – or anyone. He’d done his fair share of hitting inside anyway, but in self defence this time, not simply because it was what needed to be done.

Thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump.

Ben had made his mistakes. He’d served his time. He’d payed his dues in the eyes of the law. But he was starting to understand that he would never pay his debts off in the eyes of the people he’d hurt, and the people he’d left behind.

And now he’d lost his chance at something good.

Thump. Thump-thump. Thump-thump. THUMP.

A second knuckle split. The force of his last hit went right up his arm.

“Fuck,” he muttered, shaking it out. Nothing felt broken, thankfully. “Fuck, fuck, fuck everything.”

He remembered Rey’s eyes more than anything; wide, brown and so expressive. And beautiful. Whether narrowed in annoyance, or sparkling in amusement, or empty with hurt, and finally, two months ago, blank with lack of emotion – though fortunately, also lack of judgement. He could look into those eyes forever.

He sat down on the bench and started unwrapping his hands. He winced as the fabric pulled on his cuts. Down the corridor, the clatter of the cleaners’ trolley showed the building was truly closing down. It was time to go.

Ben cleaned his cuts in the bathroom and gathered his gear together. The weather was turning, a dank February giving way to a mild March. Still, the wind which blew across the quadrangle was bitter, and cooled against the sweat drying on the back of his neck. He shivered, and hunched further into his coat.

It was a long walk from the gym back to his halls, made longer by the shadows on the pavement, and in his heart. That lingering darkness he could never quite drive out.

A burst of laughter stopped him in his tracks. Turning to his left, he saw Rey, and her friends Finn Trooper and Poe Dameron pile out of a building and into a taxi.

Ben felt his heart skip a beat, but none of them noticed him. The taxi pulled away, leaving him alone, with nothing but the night for company.

***

Rey, contrary to all Ben’s dark thoughts, hadn’t forgotten about him, or the story he told her. It was simply a lot to take in. And she wasn’t sure she believed everything he’d said, even if he had no reason to lie.

The first thing she’d done was sit down with Poe and Finn. She’d told them everything Ben had said, leaving nothing out. When she’d finished, the silence was deafening.

“I knew it,” muttered Finn. “I knew it was true.”

“It’s incredible. I don’t know how he can show his face in decent society,” said Poe. Finn nodded in agreement.

“I think he means it when he says he’s sorry, though,” Rey replied. “If he hadn’t meant it, I don’t think he’d have left in the first place.”

“So what? Maybe he’s spying. Maybe they’ve checked you out and they want you to join their organisation as his protégée,” said Finn.

“Don’t be so dramatic, Finn,” said Poe in response. “But he does have a point. What proof do we have that he’s on the level now?”

“We don’t,” said Rey wearily.

Finn regarded her for a long moment.

“You like him, don’t you,” he stated.

Rey shrugged awkwardly. “No. Yes. Shit, I don’t know. There’s a lot about him that isn’t all bad.  But then there has to be some of him that has the capacity to be terrible, since he had the capacity to do all those things in the first place.”

“Exactly! So who’s to say he wouldn’t do it again?”

“Nobody except Ben himself.”

Finn looked sceptical. So did Poe.

Even now, weeks and months later, Rey was still confused. On the one hand, she had the possibly reformed criminal with probable anger management issues. On the other, she had the awkward, too tall for his own good, dorky young man who tripped over his sentences whenever he caught her eye.

The words and numbers in the textbook started to swim in front of her eyes. Aggressively, she snapped it shut, causing several students around her to glance up. This was no use. She needed food, and a vat of coffee. And for her brain to shut up.

Maz’s was quiet in the lull before the lunchtime rush. Rey secured her favourite corner table with a latte, a large brownie, and a novel. She had every intention of escaping reality for a couple of hours in peace and quiet.

Unfortunately, the universe clearly had other ideas.

Rey had barely been sat there for fifteen minutes before a very familiar figure walked in.

Again, her heart did that treacherous little skip as his over-tall frame strode fluidly over to the counter and started examining the specials board.

Rey looked longingly at her half-drunk latte and barely-touched brownie, and was weighing the pros and cons of cutting and running (and thus leaving them behind), when he happened to glance over and spot her.

***

He’d not been back to this place in months, ever since that disaster of a first date. He’d glanced into the window without conscious thought, remembering how she’d looked, sat there framed by the weak autumn light.

He only just stopped himself from doing a double take when he saw she was actually there. Nose in a book, cooling drink on the table before her.

 He was debating just walking out so she didn’t have to see him, when she glanced up and met his eyes. Without conscious thought he found his feet carrying him towards her.

She dog-earned her book (the sight made the literature snob in him want to weep) and placed it carefully in front of her as he slid carefully into the chair opposite to her.

An awkward silence fell.

“Hey.”

“Hullo.” 

The awkward silence was back. Then they both spoke at the same time

“Rey - ”

“Ben, I - ”

Rey hesitated. “You first.”

“I just wanted…just wanted to know how you were doing. I haven’t seen you since…well, since I told you everything.”

“I know, I know. I’ve been alright. I’ve been…I’ve been thinking.”

“Thinking,” he repeated.

“Yes, thinking,” she snapped. “It’s a lot to take in, and a lot to believe. I don’t know whether I can trust you or not.”

“I haven’t lied to you Rey.”

“That, I believe.”

“Really.”

“You can barely flirt, Ben, you’d be a terrible liar.”

Ben went red. Rey thought about how cute he looked when he did. If it wasn’t for the anger still simmering deep in his eyes, she might have laughed.

“Then why is the rest so difficult to grasp?” he asked.

Rey took a moment to gather herself.

“Look,” she said. “This is like the plot of a bad action film, and I don’t know what to do with what you told me. Not to mention I don’t know why you told me in the first place, or what you want from me.”

“I…I wanted all my cards on the table. I wanted to be honest with you like I’ve never been with anyone in my life. Truthfully, I want to be your friend. More, if possible. But I understand if what I’ve told you makes that impossible.”

He stood. “Sorry for interrupting your coffee. I suppose I’ll see you around.”

He turned to go. Acting purely on impulse, Rey leaped to her feet, caught his arm, and turned him just enough to plant a kiss on his cheek.

“I haven’t written it off just yet,” she said.

She got to enjoy the second flush of red across his cheeks in less than five minutes. He smiled at her over his shoulder, and the anger in his eyes dimmed, just slightly, replaced by something that looked a lot like hope. Then he left the café.

She re-seated herself, unsure of what she’d just let herself in for. But she felt calmer, and more herself, than she’d felt in weeks.

The ball was in his court now. She regretted nothing.

Even though Finn was going to burn her at the stake.

Chapter Text

Three months later

 “Are you nuts?” Finn asked. “You said yes?”

“Yes, I said yes. I want to give him a chance.”

“Two months in counselling and his word that he’s making it up with his parents does not make a reformed man.”

“He’s trying….yeah, okay, you have a point. But I think I can handle myself if he decides to go darkside on me.”

Finn rubbed a hand down his face. “After everything, you’re still going to give him a chance.”

Rey nodded around her mouthful of wrap.

“Well, props to you, I suppose. Being the one to fix him.”

“Bloody hell, Finn. The whole point of him going to talk to someone was to find a way to fix himself. I’m not doing shit, I’ve got my own problems.”

“Such as?”

“A nosey best friend and his gossipy boyfriend.”

Finn laughed. “Thanks, I love you too.”

Rey beamed at him.

“But…take care? For my peace of mind?”

“Look, it’s just one date, alright? He’ll be proving himself changed until the day he dies anyway. Somebody’s got to give him a chance sometime, or nobody ever will.”

Finn nodded. “Alright Rey. I trust you. Maybe not him, not yet, but I trust you.”

“Thanks mate.”

“Any time, dude.”

***

6:00pm

In her defence, she’d lost track of time, and she considered it a miracle she hadn’t tripped down the stairs in her mad rush out of her halls, but she was running ten minutes late.

Ben, of course, was already waiting for her, leant on a lamppost looking maddeningly smug.

“I told you that leaving that assignment to the last minute was only going to cause you trouble,” he said.

“I wanted to make sure I got it right,” she grumbled. She shook some loose tendrils of hair out of her eyes that had come loose from her three small buns. “Damn.”

“You look fabulous.”

Rey glanced up to meet his eyes and found nothing but sincerity in them. She didn’t blush, as a rule, but his words dusted pink across her cheekbones.

“Come on. If we time it right, we’ll get there just as the adverts finish.”

Like a true old-time gentlemen, her date offered her his arm. She took it, and then began to walk.

"How did dinner with your parent's go, anyway?"

Ben smiled wanly. "My dad keeps making bad jokes at my expense, but I think it's backfiring because the number of judgemental glances I shared with my mother was phenomenal."

Rey laughed. "At least he's warming up to you."

"Slowly. I think he blames me most for hurting my mum, to be fair. They may fight a lot but he's very protective of her."

She hummed. "Baby steps, eh? You can't fix everything at once."

"And now you sound like my therapist."

Rey laughed. 

***

“What possessed you to pick that film?” Rey was still laughing as they walked out of the cinema.

“It had some good reviews!”

“From who, The Daily Mash?”

“Of course not. Buzzfeed is good enough for me.” Ben was laughing as much as she was. “That was truly awful, wasn’t it?”

“Yup.”

The discussion continued in the same vein until they stepped off the bus and were wandering back in the direction of her accommodation. Student life on a Friday night was just getting going, the night air full of inebriated laughs and bass-heavy music coming from somewhere with the window open. Girls in over-high heels tottered towards the road and the waiting taxis.

“Are you going to hit me if I say I don’t understand heels of that height?” Ben asked as they tripped past them.

“Nope. I’m going to agree with you.”

They reached the relative sanctuary of her doorway. Rey paused.

“I’d ask if you wanted a nightcap, but I’m working in the morning,” she said.

“Also I think it would be slightly jumping the gun.”

“Maybe.”

He gave her his knee-melting smile, and then stepped closer.

“But…may I?”

Rey raised an eyebrow. “Are you asking permission?”

“Um…yes?”

She rolled her eyes. “Get down here.”

His mouth was just as soft as it looked, and surprisingly gentle as it covered her own. Their kisses started tentative and searching, but grew gradually into something much deeper. It was no surprise that he was just as thorough with this as he was with everything else that he did – but she kissed him back with equal enthusiasm, reaching up to twine her arms around his neck.

Eventually, they pulled back. Her breathing was a little shallow.

“Reconsidering asking me up yet?” he asked.

Rey laughed. “Way to ruin a moment, Ben.”

“I’m serious! I don’t think I’m done kissing you yet.”

“Why did you stop then?”

His next kiss was a lot more insistent. His hands slid up her back to pull her even closer. She responded in kind, going up on her toes for better access.

When they broke apart again, they were both smiling.

“Tempting as your proposition is, I still have to be up for the early shift in the morning, so I’m going to have to decline.”

He pouted, though she could tell he wasn’t being serious.  “Same time next week then?”

“As long as you let me pick the film this time.”

He stepped back and swept an elaborate bow. “As you wish, milady.”

“Fuck off, Ben.”

He did. But before he did, he stole one last kiss.

Chapter Text

The closing shift was its usual dark and gloomy self. The year was inching into summer, though, and there was more light spilling through the windows than there had been as the last of the sunset faded away.

The last student had left and Rey was doing her last cursory round up around the stacks before locking up. She definitely wasn’t expecting to see him leaning against the shelves where she’d first fallen over him almost seven months ago.

“Christ Ben, warn me next time, alright?”

“Where would be the fun in that?”

“How on earth did you get in here without me noticing?”

“I wanted to surprise you, so I snuck in when you were trying to persuade that first year that the library did not do extended opening hours for special cases.”

Rey recalled the student, with huge bags beneath his eyes. “Oh, him. That isn’t the first time tried that.”

“Such a heartbreaker, Jakksun.”

“You can talk, Solo.” She smiled and moved into his waiting arms.

“What was the surprise, anyway?” she asked, once he’d finished kissing her thoroughly. “I’m supposed to be seeing you tomorrow anyway.”

His only response was to spin her 90 degrees to pin her against the stacks. He leaned in close, his baritone humming down her back. “Do you remember what I said the first time we met, about illicit after-hours sex in the stacks?”

Rey was taken aback. “Seriously?”

His hands slid down her sides. “Seriously.”

There was a shelf digging into her spine and another into her calves, and they were suddenly the most insignificant things in the whole world compared to the heat that flared between her legs. She reached up and pulled him back down to her lips. “If you are the reason I lose my job, Ben Solo,” she murmured, “I will make you regret it.”

“Promises, promises.” Without warning, there were hands beneath her arse, lifting her up and pushing her against the shelves. They rattled ominously, but remained upright. She wrapped her legs around his waist for stability, and her arms around his shoulders. His mouth found her neck, and one hand wormed its way beneath her shirt to find a small, perfect breast. He pushed her sports bra out of the way and flicked a thumb over her nipple. Her breath left her in a gasp, but she took her revenge by bucking her hips against the insistent hardness she felt against her inner thigh. He groaned in response.

“Goddammit, Rey.” The hand supporting her behind slid lower, brushing over the backs of her jeans and down towards her entrance. He began to rub along the seam that ran between her thighs, and she pushed downwards, seeking friction. Her hands pulled at his hair.

It was far from the first time they’d done this, but never in the library. Never like this, the stacks shuddering with every movement they made, and her thighs burning with the strain of holding on. His tongue teased the spot he’d discovered last week, a little above her collarbone.

“Oh, fuck you, that isn’t playing fair.”

“Isn’t it?”

Her only response was to press down against his erection again. He gasped.

“How is that playing fair?” he asked.

“Put me down.”

“Why?”

“Because I need to take my pants off, now put me down.”

He almost dropped her in his haste to comply. Her hands went to the button on her jeans while his reached out to drag them down. Long, capable fingers found their way past her knickers and into her core, which was growing increasingly damp under his ministrations.

Rey pushed aside the fog of pleasure that descended as his fingers circled her clit, so she could find his belt and the buttons on his own jeans. The minute her small hand wrapped around his length his fingers stuttered and he groaned against her cheek. Emboldened, she tugged it once or twice. His fingers tensed against her core and he gasped, loud into the silence of the empty library.

“You’re going to be the death of me,” he sighed.

“Counting on it,” she murmured in return.

He regained enough of his sense to push a finger into her entrance, moving it upwards and rubbing against her sweet spot. She only just bit down of a wanton moan as pleasure exploded like fireworks in her brain.

“Don’t hold back,” he hummed in her ear. “I want to hear you.”

She didn’t hold back as he found that spot again.

She toed off her Converse so she could work her jeans off over one leg. Once she was free she brought it up to wrap around his upper leg again. Ben took the hint and pulled his fingers out of her in order to hoist her up against the shelves once again.

“You ready for me?” he asked.

“God…yes, please, Ben…”

He smirked triumphantly. God, she hated him.

Their positions took some adjusting, as his cock was trapped between them where they were pressed together, but then his tip was nudging at her entrance and he was pushing inside, filling her.

They both groaned in unison. Rey really hoped the cleaning crew were a long way away.

“Fuck…Rey.”

“Move, dammit,” she growled.

He obliged.

The angle was an odd one, but he soon figured it out, and the first time he thrust against her sweet spot she saw stars.

“Oh…right there…yeah, right there…”

“Fuck, you feel good.” He grunted with the exertion. Sweat began to lubricate the area between them. Her juices lined the inside of her thighs, adding to the slick. He’d found his rhythm now, and had worked the angle out so that almost every thrust was brushing at that special spot, the one which made her cry out. He was pushing her up, up towards completion, and her back was being bruised from scraping against the shelves. She cared very little, except for the feelings soaking her, swirling through her brain.

She knew she was close when she began to spasm, hanging on around his neck for all she was worth, clutching handfuls of his hair. “Ben…oh my God…”

“That’s it. That’s it, come for me, come on…”

One last thrust and she was finished, his name spilling from her mouth along with a litany of incoherent noises her climax flooded her brain and wiped out everything else.

Ben pulled out and let her boneless body down. She took him in hand. A few shorts tugs and he followed her over the edge with a short cry, spilling into her palm. He buried his head into the curve between her head and shoulder, breathing hard. Rey knew how he felt.

Slowly, their breathing evened out and returned to normal. Rey became aware that her body was becoming cool as their sweat dried, her thighs ached to the point she wasn’t sure she could stand straight, and the ache at the back of her head was probably where she had hit the shelf behind her as she came.

Eventually, Ben raised his head and met her eyes. “Hi.”

“Hello again.” She brushed some sweaty tangles of hair from his forehead.

“Are you alright?” he asked. He ran a hand down her back. She winced.

“Sorry. I got a bit carried away back there.”

“I’ll be okay. Nothing some downtime and maybe a back-rub won’t fix.”

“I can certainly promise you the back rub.”

She grinned. “Are you okay?”

He nodded. “Wow.”

“That’s one word for it.”

“So, that was alright, for illicit after-hours sex in the stacks?”

“That was amazing – but let’s not make a habit of it, yeah? My back’s bloody killing me.”

“I think that’s fair enough.”

He gave her a shoulder to lean on while she pulled her jeans back on, and adjusted himself while she knelt (awkwardly) to put her shoes back on. He gave her hand back up and swept her into a deep kiss, which she returned.

“Love me?”

“Love you. Love me?”

“Love you too.”

***

When the cleaning crews arrived, the couple were long gone, away and giggling into the night, with nothing but a few ruffled bookshelves to show they’d been there at all