Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

It almost felt poetic, the way your head craned over your shoulder for one last glance at the remnants of the city you had called home for nearly a decade. A thousand bitter memories suppressed in the process. You had made hopeless attempts at forcing yourself to associate its concreted dire walls as being home but it never truly was… Home was supposed to feel safe, home was supposed to be warm and nurturing. Boston had never proved itself to be any of those things, no matter how many relentless years you wasted trying to force yourself into believing that it was despite all of the violence and greed.

You peered though the clouded back windscreen of the SUV you found yourself crammed into, it’s glass steaming up from the abundance of damp bodies occupying its cavity and offering a frosted vignette to the view being left behind. You bid a bitter farewell to all that you were running from, to all that you hoped you would eventually heal from and forget. The weather lashed violently, a mist of torrential rain swallowing up and consuming what was left of the apartment buildings as the city faded into the distance, hail aggressively popping and pinging off the roof of the vehicle.

It was in that moment that you found yourself breathing for the first time in what felt like years. You glanced over to your right, finding a set of deep umber eyes trained onto what was the side profile of your face. Eyes that were so full of both anxiety and reassurance. You offered him a weak smile, shaky fingers running though the tangled wetness of your dark locks. You weren’t the only one making an attempt at breaking free from your demons on this early Saturday morning. It was an expression that Tommy mirrored as he too sucked in a deep breath and swallowed thickly, his southern drawl sober and low, “It’s for the best…”

Your focus fell straight ahead, turning away from the hurt and pain of your past to look beyond what was in the drivers seat. A brighter prospect, a new hope. The sky in front much less ominous than what was being left behind, the puffs of slate grey above swirling and evaporating as beams of golden light penetrated through.

It was for the best. That’s what you had to keep telling yourself. That nothing good would have ever come from staying behind, from lingering in the shadows, sins and sorrows of your past. That for as long as you were to stay, the mentally abusive cycle would continue to run on a mocking loop; that you would always succumb to his push and pull despite him never being capable of loving you back and time and time again you would find yourself crushed and alone, left to pick up the shattered fragments of your own heart and glue them back together ready for the next hurtful blow.

Your eyes dropped down to the hand resting heavy in your lap, the hand that you refrained from clutching at your stomach with. It was both a selfless and selfish decision, this. It was no longer just yourself that you had to think about now—unbeknownst to all those you surrounded yourself with- a small secret that you held onto so dearly in these new and sensitive times. That this little blossoming life within you deserved better than the one you had cursed yourself with. That this tiny being deserved to be surrounded by love and softness—something that could never have been achieved within the four dingy walls of your tiny one bed apartment whilst hiding their very existence away from the man that they should have been able to call their father. The man that you decided so adamantly would have no part in either of your futures as of two days ago.

You turned back to Tommy, his attention still very much glued to you with a friendly warmth and for a brief passing moment you berated your past self for not being able to instead fall in love with him when you had the chance and how much easier the years would have been on you if you just had. But that wasn’t how love worked, was it? The apparition of choice was just that—an illusion and your naive heart superseded all logic and sense the very moment his older brother cradled your frightened body within his arms for the first time all those many moons ago. Your weak smile turned tight lipped as your gaze softened. You had to break the toxic tether once and for all, and you had to do it whilst the name ‘ Joel Miller ’ still felt like poison on your tongue. “I know it is…”

A small smirk tugged to Tommy’s lip, one that curled up ever so slightly to bare his teeth as he too sawed at the final thread of the rope, “Fuck ‘im, anyway. We’re better off without him…without either of them.”

You snorted to yourself: Yeah, fuck Joel Miller. I am better off without him… not that you would now ever be completely rid of him. His final ‘fuck you’ being to leave a small piece of himself inside of you that you will be forced to love for the remainder of your years…

You allowed your eyes to fall heavy with the rhythmic buzz of the engine and a relieving sigh of your lips. A notion of finality washing over your senses as the first novel of your life comes to a close and a new book filled to the brim with vacant blank pages and a Fireflies promise opens up… but that story had yet to begin and so there was nothing yet to be told of what you hoped would become your happily ever after.

Instead, your inner demons prevailed as you resorted to reliving your treacherous story of destruction from the very beginning…

Chapter Text

Austin, Texas: 26th September 2003

It was just another standard Friday. Nothing out of the ordinary, nothing peculiar or even unsettling in any way shape or form throughout. You’d woken up to yet another drunk sappy text message from your jackass of an ex at six thirty that morning and left it on read, hauled yourself out of bed and then into the shower as per your usual morning routine before then heading out to work at your part time job at the coffee shop on the local high street.

The hours passed by slowly, as they always did. Customers dribbling in and out to ask for flat whites, cappuccino’s, latte’s and more. There had even been a lull in the queue as the afternoon bled into the early evening. A lull that let you stand back and take a breather for five as you stared out the shop window, a series of blue flashing lights racing by and something to do with Jakarta being mentioned on the radio - you didn’t care enough to listen to what.

It wasn’t too much later when you were given the go ahead by your supervisor to shut shop, your apron being whipped off in record time and flung onto the hook as the bell upon the door chimed at your exit. It wasn’t a terrible job by any means… you just had higher expectations for yourself when you fled the nest from Memphis to Austin to study midwifery. 

Your steel-silver Ford Taurus beeped as you approached the curb with the fob in your grips and your eyes narrowing upon spotting the small yellow square card taped to your windshield. Fucking great. 

You groaned whilst ripping it off. A deep sigh puffing through your lips as you read: Parking Violation, $100 fine. It was your own damn fault, you knew this. Opting to park down the little private road next to the shop rather than using the actual car park a few streets down and having to pay each time. You’d never actually seen any parking wardens ambling down that way though, so it seemed worth the risk… Apparently your luck had to run out at some point. It was still the last thing you needed be dealing with right now though when funds were already tight.

The drive home was smooth, your apartment being just a quick ten minute journey from your place of current work and your housemate turned best friend’s civic was already parked out front by the time you arrived.

You fumbled with your belongings whilst you pulled your Motorola from your jeans pocket and flipped it open. Flicking through your contacts until you reached the letter ‘M’ and held the device to your ear.

“Hey Mom…”
…
“No, yeah. Everything’s fine.”
…
“Uhh yeah, college is going, um, great.”
 
Your keys jangled loudly as you shoved them into the lock and twisted. Laura was sprawled out across the couch with a re-run of CSI:Miami playing on the television as you stepped inside. You gave her a quick glance before continuing your conversation with your mother.

“It’s just been a lot of theory so far this semester… yeah, I thought it’d be more practical too…”
…
“My placement? Oh… oh yeah, I still have that… just- just not had to go in so far…”
…
“Listen, um… I don’t suppose you can lend me a hundred bucks? I promise to pay it back at the start of the month.”
…
“Parking ticket…I swear on my life that I didn’t know it was a private road.”
…
“I know, I know… I swear I’ll be more careful going forwards… thank you.”

The call wrapped up in the usual way with love you’s, goodbyes and a promise to visit back home soon- something you really should have done summer just gone but couldn’t find the balls to do.

As soon as you slapped your cell down onto the kitchen counter, Laura all but jumped on you.

She cocked a brow, one with a small amount of judgement, “So you’ve still not told her that you’ve dropped out?”

It was stupid really… how you had let things build up and up to the point of practically breaking down. How one stupid, relatively short relationship with an utter asshole had brought you to your knees. A year of lies, possessiveness and manipulation causing you to not meet your deadlines. It was a ridiculously rash decision you made at the end of last semester, just as you were about to enter into your final year but everything felt so heavy and something had to give. It should’ve been the boyfriend you let go first… but you only allowed yourself to admit to that two weeks ago when you finally put your foot down and ended things for good…

You sighed, frustrated with yourself, “No…I- I just can’t, y’know? She’d be so disappointed…”

“She’s gonna figure it out at some point…”

Subtly shaking your head, you didn’t respond. You didn’t want to tell her… to admit to the fact that you had let some asswipe of a boy get to your head and make you feel unworthy. To confess to falling into the same trap that she had time and time again. Her one ask of you being to learn from her mistakes, that you shouldn’t let a man dampen your spark- not that she ever seemed to learn from them herself.

Your mothers taste in men had been shit from the get go- something that so far, you felt as if you had inherited from her. Your own father had vanished before you even arrived into the world, he never wanted you and hadn’t truly wanted your mother either and there had been a constant stream of different men in your life since, all of which being just as poor as the one before. There had been Ralph- who cheated with your next door neighbour, Tim- who stole your mothers hard earned savings and did a runner, Craig- he was nice but it just didn’t work out and then the worst of them all, there had been David. David really was a nasty piece of work and his placid maths teacher persona during the day perished in the shadows of the evening after downing beer after beer. He had been aggressive and manipulative, his abuse going beyond just mental on some occasions and you had no idea why your Mom just didn’t walk away, why she continued crawling back to him after each fight for a grand total of five years. Five years where you were unable to do anything but watch as the toxicity of their relationship unfolded. Then there had been the way he started to look at you as you grew into yourself, eyes lingering on your chest for a second too long as you entered into a room, crude comments made when your mothers ears were turned. He was the main reason you left Memphis, why you travelled to another state to study. If your Mom wouldn’t leave him, then you sure as hell would.

You had rejoiced when your Mom called to announce that they were over for good little over a year ago. That how the police had gotten involved after a particularly bad fight and placed a restraining order upon him. How that she would never be going back to him. She was seeing someone new now, someone you were yet to meet- not that you held onto much hope…

Your stupor was cut short as Laura snapped her fingers beneath your vacant gaze. Clearly you had zoned out of whatever conversation she was trying to initiate.

“You hear what I just said?”

You rubbed your eyes, “No, sorry… It’s been a long day…”

She rolled her eyes with a brightness to her face, “I asked if you fancied going to a bar later? Y’know drown the stresses of the week away with a few voddy’s and a boogie.”

It was tempting, you had to admit and maybe if it weren’t for the fine that you couldn’t even pay for, you’d be game, “Laur, I really shouldn’t be pissing money away on alcohol when I just had to beg my Mom to cover my parking charge…”

“Doesn’t have to be your dolla,” She nudged you, her bright blue eyes winking suggestively with a grin, “Flutter those pretty eyelashes of yours at some desperate sucker at the bar and get him to piss his money on your drinks instead. Voila, problem solved!”

“Laur…” You stifled back the chuckle that itched to come out, masking it with a loose shake of the head.

Her suggestive grin then contorted into a long plea, “Pleeeaaase, Sisi… think of it as a belated night out for my twenty first. College has murdered me this week- mama needs a drink!”

Twisting your lips, you pretended to contemplate your choices. Perhaps going out on the pull and getting properly shit-faced was just what you needed after the past few weeks. “What bar?”

The grin was back on Laura’s face, knowing damn well that she had already persuaded you, no matter what location tumbled from her tongue, “Mayfairs.”
———————————————————————

You sat crossed legged in front of your full length mirror, a long tress of your deep brunette hair wound around a curling iron as you smacked your Ruby woo painted lips together.

It felt good to get dressed up; to wear something other than your usual low rise bootcut jeans and tube top with Laura insisting that you swap out your anticipated well-worn get up for a dress and pair of heels.

“Cab’s gonna be here in like thirty mins!” Her voice called out from down the hallway, getting nearer as she approached your bedroom door.

Privacy was nonexistent between the two of you unless a scrunchy was tied around the door to signal that one of you had company. Your door flew open as Laura strutted in, your eyes glued to the garish pink mini dress  that just about covered her modesty and the obnoxiously long fake eye lashes stuck to her lids, “What the fuck are those on your eyes? Bat your lids fast enough and you’ll fly away…”

“Oh fuck off,” She sneered before softening, “You almost ready?”

You glanced at your reflection, noting how your face was still only half painted and that you weren’t even half way through curling your abundance of hair, “uhhh…”

“Give it here,” Laura demanded with a less than serious sigh, her fingers wiggling towards the hot wand still in your grips, “You finish your face, I’ll sort your hair.”

You yielded without any resistance, happy to hand her over the hair styling tool that was beginning to cause your arm to cramp up as you reached for your trusty eyeshadow pallet. Flipping its lid open, you scanned over the variety of powered shades and voiced your indecisiveness aloud, “Shimmery silver or brown smokey eye?”

Waiting for her opinion you glanced up at the reflection of your friend in the mirror, her own eyes darting between the swatches and your face, humming before settling on her decision, “You’ve gone for a red lip so definitely brown…”

With the pair of you working so effortlessly together it only took a further fifteen minutes to get you almost presentable enough for a night on the town and actually, you found yourself becoming a little excited at the prospect. Your first legal night out-out as a single woman- the thought instantly being quashed as your phone buzzed beside you, the screen flashing up with a name that made you slam your eyes.

You could feel Laura’s hard stare on you, noting your reaction to the notification. You heard the click of the power button on the curlers switching off, “Who is it?”

The conversation that was about to ensue was inevitable and you knew that your friend would have absolutely no reason to believe you, given your previous track record with this guy. Your focus drifted to the left as to not look her in the eye, “Josh…”

“Seriously?” She huffed, shoulders sagging.

You groaned, “We hooked up like two weeks ago- like for closure but he hasn’t stopped texting me since…”

“And are you messaging him back?”

“No!”

She gave you the most disbelieving look you think you’d ever seen, and you rushed to defend yourself, “Look, I know I shouldn’t have slept with him but I mean it, we’re done.”

“You said that last time and the time before…The guys an asshole, Lina. How many times has he cheated on you?”

“I know… but I’m serious this time, I swear. It’s over.” As if to prove a point you grabbed your cell and presented her the screen as you blocked his number from contacting you, “See, blocked!”

She still didn’t look entirely convinced, “We need to get you laid, babe. If you make a decent attempt with a guy tonight, I’ll believe you.”

Your stare intensified as if to demonstrate your seriousness on the situation, your voice matter of fact, “Fine.”

“Good,” the grin on your best friend’s face was almost plasticky before it smoothed out, “what you wearing anyway?”

You pointed towards your closet, where a mid thigh length burgundy skater dress with cropped sleeves hung on a hanger.

“Aw hell naw,” Laura chuckled as she straightened to take a closer look.

“What? I thought it was nice?” Okay, it was a little dated but you no longer fit into the little size 0 cocktail dresses you once wore as an eighteen year old, your womanly curves filling you out to become more of a size four to six instead and as you already stated, you hadn’t been out-out in well over a year to need to replace them.

“I mean, yeah, it is nice for if you’re going for a lovely family meal with granny,” She shrugged before then wandering over to your underwear drawer and rummaging through, “We’re trying to get you laid, hon. Gotta show off them assets.”

You raised a brow incredulously, “Assets? What assets?”

You frowned at the smirk on her face, flinching back as she pinged one of your lacey black thongs into your lap before then pulling out and presenting the most thickly padded push up bra you own, “These- holy shit, you’re actually a double D??” She dangled the garment in the air before tossing it at you with a gaped mouth as you nodded bashfully, “well shit, you gotta get those bad boys on display!”

“Bad boys?” You cringed with a scoff, “That’s so cringe…”

Laura seemed to ignore you as she slammed your drawer shut and breezed past you, “Put those on- I have the perfect dress for you to borrow!”

You shook your head in despair as you gathered your underwear, calling out to her retreating figure, “Hey, we got time to grab something to eat? I’ve literally only had an apple all day!”

“Not really! Cab will be here in like ten minutes- we’ll just grab something in town later!”

———————————————————————

It wasn’t your usual choice in attire but goddamn it, you had to admit that you felt hot. The tiny black dress with a sweetheart neckline, flattering your cleavage whilst flaunting each of your soft curves and the six inch heeled sandals elongated your baby-smooth tanned legs.

You were surprised at just how busy the establishment was, the dance floor tightly packed as the bass of the tunes reverberated out above with colourful strobe lights scanning over the sea of heads and a waiting crowd surrounding the bar all desperate to drown their past week in their next shot.

Despite your initial reservations regarding  wasting money, the concerns were instantly lost on you as you downed one pretty pink cocktail after another, all being debited from your own card.

By drink number three, you found yourself pleasantly tipsy as you clutched ahold of Laura’s arm and dragged her onto the dance floor where Beyoncé’s newest hit, Baby Boy, blared loudly from the speakers.

You’d seen him watching you from across the room, how his attention hadn’t left you from the very moment you emerged from your spot at the bar. Tall with dark slicked back hair and deep eyes that observed your every move whilst he leant back against the counter sipping at the rim of his whisky glass. 

The alcohol had you feeling boldened, had you wanting to put on a little show for the stranger whose attention you had piqued. Your hips swirling in a sensual manner in time with the musics rhythm and your fingers running through your long silky curls beneath the colourful strobing flashes that put you under a spotlight.

Winding yourself down low before twisting back up, you used Laura as a mere prop in your little improvised routine. You allowed your eyes to meet his, a small smirk crossing your lips as one tugged to his own. 

Your friends hushed voice being what pulled you back into the moment, “That guy’s literally not looked away from you… he’s kinda cute.”

You flashed her a knowing look, your smirk only growing, “Y’know… I’m feeling real thirsty all of a sudden… Think I might just head to the bar…”

With the floor sticky beneath your heels and the smell of sickly sweetness engulfing your senses, you approached the man who appeared to be waiting for you. As soon as you began to move towards your him, you observed the way in which his face lit up as if he’d won the lottery. Still, you played it cool, sidling up next to him but smiling across at the bar tender to flag them over instead and you could feel the burn of his heated gaze on you.

Leaning over the counter, your tits all but spilled over the top of your dress, “Sex on the beach, please.”

“Bit forward.” A low southern drawl sounded beside you, so smooth and warm that it sent a shudder straight to your core.

The smirk on your lips returned, glancing at your admirer from the corner of your eye as you shrugged cooly, “I just know what I like. No point in beating around the bush.”

“A girl that knows what she wants… a rarity, that.” He snorted, his gaze still scanning your features and fuck, he was more handsome up close with his tanned skin and deep chocolate eyes.

Your not so discreet ogling had you oblivious to the bar tenders return, your pretty colourful drink placed onto the bar in front of you.

“That’d be ten dollars, ma’am.”

The sound of this new voice had your head snapping around, fingers fumbling around for the zip of your purse as if you’d been caught off guard but before you even had the chance you pull your card from its pocket, the toned arm of the attractive stranger beside you reached over to insert his own card into the machine.

He grinned with a wink as you blinked up at him, “Pretty angel like you shouldn’t be payin’ for her own drinks.”

A flustered and deliciously warm heat rushed to your cheeks, tinging them pink with your tongue searching for the plastic straw in your glass to sip down a mouthful of its sugary fruity contents. It had been a long while since you felt desired and shit, did it ever feel good.

His eyes didn’t leave you, neither did that goddamn pretty smirk and you already knew that you were done for.

“M’Tommy, what can I call you?”

You couldn’t help but lick your lips, a darkness glistening within your eyes beneath dark lashes and to hell with being subtle, “Angel, will do just fine.”

And fuck, the sound of his soft chuckle was beautiful to your drunken ears, “Well then, Angel. I gotta feelin’ that me n’ you are gonna get along real well…”

If you were sober you would have most certainly slapped yourself silly for being so easily seduced by the first man to show you any interest, but you were far from being sober and found yourself stuck to his side for the remainder of the night as he continued to charm you and feed you with pretty praises.

He was confident, cocky almost as he pulled you back to the dance floor knowing damn well that he had you wrapped around his fingers. You allowed yourself to become lost; lost in the tranquility of the music and lost in him as your bodies moved in what felt like a natural tandem.

His hands on your hips, fingertips sinking into the lean meat of your waist whilst the curve of your full ass pressed into his crotch. It didn’t take long for his hot lips to find their way to that ever so sensitive spot on your neck, just beneath your ear. Nipping, sucking and turning you into a hot mess as you both swayed to the beat of the song, drunk and oblivious to everyone else in the room. It was just you and him; you and the warmth of his sweet mouth on your skin, you and that deep accent that had you weak at the knees and fuck did you ever want more.

His string of praises continued to be murmured into your skin, your head tilting to allow him better access and you could swear to god that you were physically melting beneath his heat. 

“Ya so gorgeous, Angel. Prettiest damn girl in this room, saw ya the moment you walked in. Couldn’t take my eyes off you…”

Your lips parted but only the most wanton moan escaped and you would have been mortified if it weren’t for the fact that you were completely intoxicated by not just all you had drunk but by him as well. All lingering thoughts of your cockroach of an ex long forgotten in the embrace of this man. Josh? Josh, who?

And then his palm was cradling your jaw and you were completely at his mercy. Feeling him pull you around as he covered your mouth with his own, his tongue slipping in between your lips and shit, you loved his taste. A mixture of sweet whiskey, hard work and cigarettes- he tasted like a man- not like these boys you had been used to.

His voice was so deep and low as he grumbled into the warmth of your mouth, as if he was telling you his deepest darkest secret, “Fuck, want you so bad. Drivin’ me crazy pretty Angel…”

His thoughts and words mutual with your own in that current moment, where his touch had become a necessity more than a desire, your panties already soaking through and sticking to your core and the only coherent thought you could comprehend was of him and his cock inside you. It was as if someone else was speaking in your voice, losing all control of the words leaving your plump swollen lips as you nipped at his, “Don’t have to stay here… we could get a cab… go somewhere more… private.”

You could feel the affect that your words had on him, his palm coming around to grab a hand full of your ass and giving it a firm squeeze and his kisses becoming hungrier - all consuming- a taste of what you could expect to enjoy in full in just a short whiles time. You were desperate, half tempted to let him fuck you where you were stood just to get it out of your system.

He pulled back, the pair of you breathless and panting as your noses brushed. With a dopey grin to his face he mouthed once more at your jaw, his Texan accent sounding like a dream, “How ‘bout you wait for me at the bar whilst I run to the bathroom, then we’ll get outta here. That sound good?”

The words just wouldn’t formulate as you bobbed your head stupidly, convinced that you’d do just about anything he’d ask of you in that moment as you gazed into those dark chocolate eyes.

You felt the breadth of his palm come down to swat against your ass cheek, the sting it left behind causing your cunt to already clench around nothing and then another kiss was placed to your cheek as he moved to get past you, “Atta girl, will be two minutes tops.”

——————————————————————

You did exactly as was asked of you. Preparing to obey and submit to his every demand and you knew damn well that this was your downfall, that it always came back to bite you on the ass but this was just a one night thing… after tonight, you’d part ways and likely never see him again. He was so smooth and knew how to charm, clearly a man who did this on the regular- there were no consequences to be had with him. Just fuck and leave.

Returning to the same spot of the bar where you first spoke, you waited, sending a quick text message to Laura who you had lost in the crowd more than a couple of hours ago:

‘Going home with ‘Mr kinda cute’. You believe me now? ;) ps, definitely gonna forget the scrunchy- DO NOT come in. Xoxo’

It was as you clicked send that a sudden and uneasy sensation sent an icy shudder down through your spine. Sensing an intimidating presence intrude your personal space that most certainly didn’t have the same warmth and comfort that Tommy had exuded. Your brows furrowed, hoping that if you paid no mind that they would just lose interest and move on but that uneasy feeling quickly morphed into a full on discomfort. You glanced back over your shoulder, a man you did not recognise hovering tall above you. His bald head glistened with a sheen of sweat, his jaw jerking and hands twitching whilst his eerily vacant eyes bored into the flesh of your throat.

You swallowed thickly as your acknowledgment did nothing to deter him. He must have been intoxicated by some sort of drug although you were unfamiliar with what kind, pills and powders being something you had no interest in experimenting with. 

“Um, ‘scuse me? Would you mind taking a step back. You’re real close to me right now and it’s making me feel uncomfortable…” 

It was as if your words went completely unheard, his focus not even blinking away from the column of your throat for the briefest of milliseconds. You couldn’t even move yourself away with bodies boxing you in either side and him directly in front.

You could feel your heart beginning to race, something about the situation making you feel panicked and all you could think of was where the fuck was Tommy? You sucked in a breath and tried to duck out of his way, your movement only causing the suspicious stranger to take another step towards you, his large and intimidating frame caging you in against the counter but still, his glazed over vacant stare was pin pointed to the flesh of your neck.

“Okay, you’re really freaking me out. I’m not interested, please let me go.” Your voice shook slightly as you pressed your palms to his chest to push him away.

Your words did nothing but drive his wayward intentions, his body pushing against your shove and his head slowly lowering to the crook of your neck with his mouth opened and teeth bared in the most unnatural of ways.

You let out a strained whimper as you tried to lean away from his close proximity and you could feel the moist warmth of his rancid breath on your skin, “Please stop…”

“Hey!” You let out a breath of relief as that familiar southern accent rumbled from behind, “the fuck you doin’, man? She said stop!”

Tommy’s hand appeared on the strangers shoulder, his fingers digging into the flesh as you watched him attempt to pull the relentless individual away from you. Yet, still he continued to resist with his body language becoming more unnatural, more determined and agitated. His movements were no longer languid as he bared his yellowing teeth and lunged forward for your throat. 

Perhaps it was the alcohol or the panic or possibly even a combination of the two but your mouth gaped as you gasped in disgust at the flashing vision of something trying to crawl out from the guys mouth. You dodged his attempted bite, body now fully struggling to get away from your attacker, “Get the fuck off me you piece of shit!”

He went to strike again, your palms pushing back on his sticky forehead to prevent any contact from being made with your skin until Tommy managed to get the upper hand. You watched as his forearm flew around to trap the man within a head lock, using all his weight to yank the psychotic fuck away from you. If it weren’t for the fact that you had almost been physically assaulted, you were sure that you’d have been turned on by the display of protection.

It all happened so quickly after that point as the stranger then turned its frustrations onto Tommy, the most unearthly snarl reverberating from his throat as he then prepared to pounce forward only to be met with the harsh reality of Tommy’s closed fist.

You could see the splattering of dark crimson splashed across the linoleum flooring, your attacker now sparked out cold with a mangled nose at your feet.

There was a few seconds of deathly silence as yours and Tommy’s wide eyes met. Your figure trembling as he went to say something but before his words had the chance to come to life, you watched as he was shoved forward onto the bars counter. His cheek pressed down onto its surface and arms forcibly restrained behind his back, you could see the way his closed eyes pinched and a defeated huff of air escaped him as three members of armed security surrounded him. 

“You’re under arrest for demonstrating anti-social behaviour and bodily harm. Anything you do say may be held against you.”

You couldn’t help but involve yourself in the name of his aid, he was only trying to protect you after all. God only knows what would have happened if he hadn’t stepped in. It was the other fucker who should be dragged away, not Tommy. 

“Hey! He was just defending me! You got the wrong guy!” Your arm flung down towards the twitchy mess of a man sprawled out across the ground, your voice almost squealing with your point, “It was this man who provoked it! He-he tried to assault me!”

One of the officers stepped towards you, a calming palm held up to you although his expression and tone remained firm, “and we’ll see to it, ma’am but this is a zero tolerance zone. No acts of violence will be tolerated within these premises.”

You sounded stupid, like a five year old about to stomp her feet and throw a tantrum, “but it’s not fair! He didn’t do anything wrong!”

“Just doin’ our jobs, little lady,” he shrugged, eyes glancing down towards the bloody mess on the floor besides you before then lifting to meet your agitated stare once more, “more than welcome to follow us down to station and have your friend bailed out.”

Closing your eyes you inhaled a deep grounding lungful of oxygen, feeling very much sober all of a sudden. Your lids flickering back open just in time to see Tommy being escorted off the premises by two cops. Yeah… there was no chance in hell that you could afford to bail him out… not when you had fifty bucks left to your name until Monday and he was but just a handsome stranger… a handsome stranger that you so very almost got to go home with. Goddamit!
———————————————————————

The night lost its momentum after that moment. Yourself being pulled into a small room just to the side of the main bar where you had been asked to give a statement on the events that took place. You told them in great detail the flow of what happened. How you were at the bar, how he caged you in and wouldn’t take no for an answer, how you believed that he was on some sort of drug and then how he seemed determined to latch himself to your throat.

You glanced between the two officers as they gave each other a peculiar look before their cautious attention fell back onto you. They asked if the man had managed to bite you and you confirmed confidently that he had not. Then they thanked you for your time and that was that- you were free to continue on with your night.

The blissful haze you felt yourself consumed by just hours earlier was well and truly gone, if it hadn’t of been for the heavy weight in your stomach, it would have been easy to forget that you were ever drinking at all.

Laura met you outside of the bar door, a solemn look to her face as she held her arms out in an awaiting embrace, one that you all but fell into as the chill of the late summer night nipped at your exposed skin.

“You okay?” She softly muttered into your hair.

You nodded, just needing a moment to extract her comfort, “Mhmm… I just wanna grab something to eat and go home…”

Laura squeezed onto you that little bit more, “what the hell happened? I thought you were about to get lucky with Mr Kinda Cute?”

A small chuckle escaped you, one you couldn’t help. You shook yourself off and offered a weak smile, “I was and then that fucking smack-head showed up and ruined everything…” You sucked in a breath before letting it go, moving on from what could have potentially have been the best fuck of your life, “C’mon, I’m starving and that new fried chicken shop has been calling my name for weeks now.”

She took your hand into hers and began leading you down the street. It was busy tonight you noticed, busier than usual and with the abnormal amount of blue flashing lights careening down the road besides you, you couldn’t help but wonder if there had been a big sporting event taking place that had caused fans and rivals to get a little rowdy. 

The chicken shop was just a ten minute walk from Mayfairs and the pair of you made it there all in one piece. The shop floor adorned with just three others that waited patiently for their orders to be called as you approached the front counter to make yours.

You had your card ready this time as you smiled up at the person serving. It was a stupid thing you did after a couple of drinks as if to say: hey, look at me, I’m definitely not drunk… Something that had become a force of habit after years of underage drinking.

“Um, one mini boneless box with a side of fries please and… Laur? What d’you want?”

Laura called out her order from over your shoulder and you could feel your mouth salivating as you saw a fresh batch of tender chicken thighs being pulled from the deep fat fryers, watching as the oils dripped from its crispy skin and you could almost taste it on your tongue. Fuck, you were ravenous.

The pair of you stepped back to wait alongside the other individuals in the shop floor, a comfortable silence falling upon you both as you listened to the hiss and spit of oil from out back.

It remained this way for around five minutes with you drifting away into your own little stupor, your imagination recalling those deep brown eyes and killer smile and for a moment you kicked yourself for not asking his number whilst you had the chance…

Your daydream being swiftly interrupted by the sound of a consistent heavy thud against the large paned windows of the building behind your backs. Out of curiosity your head snapped around, eyes immediately widening as you recognised the vacant stare of the man repeatedly banging his forehead against the glass with teeth bared but it wasn’t the same piece of shit from earlier, no, this one was different; had a mop of unruly hair, was younger, shorter.

“Ew, what the fuck.” Laura’s stare joined your own. She shook her head light heartedly as she addressed the rest of the room, “don’t do drugs, kids…”

The comment earned her a few small chuckles and you continued to use this poor junkie as a form of entertainment as you awaited your food.

An order bell dinged from behind you, the number zero one two being yelled out from the main kitchens and your face dropped a little as the intoxicated lad on the opposite side of the window perked up. His bruised forehead shooting up and his large yellowing eyes widened with his beady pupils boring into you. 

You took a wary step back, noting the way his greying skin had a spider web of ridges travelling up his throat, veins all blue and prominent on his jaw as he began to claw violently at the glass. You swallowed thickly, heart pounding as you spotted the mass of thread like tendrils peaking out from within his lips and twine so languidly towards you. You took another step back just as Laura spotted the same horror-like oddity as you had and screamed at the top of her lungs. An ear piercing blood curdling scream that would have likely been heard from blocks around and what happened next seemed to take place both within a blink of an eye and in slow motion.

The boy froze for the briefest of seconds and everything fell into an eery silence. A moments calm before the chaos of an otherworldly storm lashed down both on and around you. With one brutally hard movement he swung his head back and plunged it forward, shattering the glass of the window and creating itself and entrance.

You gaped at the fresh oozing blood that poured from his face, large shards embedded into his skull and he lunged himself through the jagged edges with a jittery ease. You tried to grab your friend, tried you pull her out of the way of this-this creature’s firing line but you hadn’t moved quick enough. Its body pounced and barrelled into Laura, knocking her clean off her feet with a sickening thud as her head cracked back against the tiles. 

The sound of her meek shaky whimpers weakly calling your name as the people around you began to panic, her limbs twitching beneath the weight of this aggressive stranger, “Sisi…Sisi…Lina…”

You felt the bile rising in your throat, your eyes glued to the increasing pool of deep wet crimson that seeped out from around her pretty blonde head, the beastly excuse of a man sinking his blood stained teeth into her throat over and over, devouring her like a feast in the midsts of this innocent shop floor.

Her weak cries bubbling as a stream of silent tears trickled down her temples whilst her head rolled to the side to look at you. You wanted to run to her, wanted to pull this sick being off of her and tell your best friend that everything was going to be okay but just as you made that first step forward, a pair of frantic hands shoved you back.

Eyes that were riddled and bulging with fear met yours, his dark skin glistening with a sheen of adrenaline as he continued to push you back but you had dissociated. You could see his lips move, feel his saliva spit into your face but everything was muffled. Not a single sound now pierced your ears and you were frozen in place as you watched your best friends throat being mauled.

You felt the panic-struck slap across your face, though. The sting of the strike bringing your senses back to the ever important moment as order number zero one two’s words penetrated your consciousness and forced you to act.

“RUN! IT’S TOO LATE! RUN!”

“I can’t…I-“ Your whimpering words cut themselves off as a series of squawks and shrieks sounded from outside the shop.

You looked up to see nothing but utter carnage unfold, people sprinting down the road, others being tackled to the ground in the centre of the street and then suddenly you felt the attention turn to you. Your sharpened green eyes flickering down to where Laura still laid in shock, the wet pink flesh of her throat hanging and dripping from her attackers blood drenched face as he stared directly into your soul.

Order zero one two had bolted out through the front door, your peripheral vision catching as his figure was thrown to the concrete with a throaty yelp and then it was just you. You and whatever the fuck this was…

You backed away slowly as its beady eyes followed, low growls rumbling from its chest as it observed your every movement and you could hear Laura’s cries heightening as she realised your decision to run and leave. 

Your heart pounded painfully, the nausea almost unbearable but there was nothing you could do for your friend as you watched her bleed out before your eyes. You backed up and up until your spine hit the countertop, the simple thump being enough to provoke the violent creature to want to attack again as it began to scramble towards you on all fours, slipping and sliding in the mass of spilled blood. 

There was an urgent need for you to think quick, yanking the sandals from your feet you bludgeoned the heel into its forehead over and over until you heard the crunch of bone and the feral being collapsed limp at your feet with its hot thick fluids dribbling down your arm and puddling around your bare toes.

You heaved violently at the sight, at what you just found yourself capable of. Your blood stained hands trembling uncontrollably as you lifted them up to your eyes. You were never aggressive, always soft and relatively quiet in the grand scheme of things. You ate meat but couldn’t ever bare to think of the process behind it. Aggression and bloodshed were things you had simply never associated yourself with and yet here you were. Stood barefooted in the centre of a fried chicken shop looking down on the victim of your first bloody killing. The notion made you sick to your stomach.

The sounds of your wretching only served to attract further unwanted attention as you glanced up to see a number of vacant, blood hungry countenances peering in at you from the darkness.

You cast one last sorrowful glance down at Laura’s fading body, a tear dribbling down your ashen cheeks as you mouth the words ‘I’m sorry’ before hauling yourself over the counter top and sprinting towards the back exit.

The only nightmarish noise that perforated your flight response being those of her shrill tortured cries calling out after you, “Lina! SELINA! Sisi don’t go, don’t leave me… PLEASE!”

It was the kind of screaming cries that you just knew would accompany the bloody images in your nightmares to come but you couldn’t turn back, there was nothing to turn back to and so with your six inch heels clutched in your fists and your little black dress riding up your thighs you did all that your body would allow of you.

You ran.

Chapter Text

Austin, Texas: 27th September 2003

Faintly brushing over the tackiness of his skin, the air that had stood so still in the previous days had progressed into a gentle current. A meandering flow that whistled softly in the air. The calm after the storm.

That muted whirr and the noise of his own trembling breath being the only sounds to penetrate his consciousness. The world around him burning up into fiery flames and yet his mind imploded to a state where he could barely comprehend a single moment of it as he found himself collapsed down behind a mass of juniper brush.

He hadn’t paid much attention to where Tommy had all but dragged him, his psych still stuck in that ditch along with… he couldn’t even acknowledge it. Wouldn’t- couldn’t allow himself to. His best guess would be either St Edwards or Bull Creek given the openness.

Even out in this vast space, away from society (or what was left of it) and pollution, the surrounding air was viscously dense. The type of thickness and tension that was palpable, suffocating. He kept his head high despite his vacancy, refusing to drown, refusing to believe. He couldn’t let his eyes stray downward. Couldn’t acknowledge the ichor that drenched his clothes, some of it his own but most of it not… as long as he didn’t register it, it wasn’t there - heedless of being able to feel it congeal and crust upon the exposed skin of his arms, dried and staining around his finger nails. Registering the crimson that coated him would mean having to accept the abhorrent actions he had committed during the dark hours, would mean that he’d have to come to terms with…No, he wouldn’t ever come to terms with that. Unable to even visualise her name, let alone her face. He’d know the image that his mind would concoct if he gave into that urge and no… he just couldn’t.

He could hear the familiar drawl gingerly calling out to him, a voice not too dissimilar from his own. His attention absently followed the sound of his name being called, settling onto his brother as he approached, shot gun still slung over his shoulder.

“S’all clear… seems to mainly be in the city…”

He didn’t respond as he felt Tommy’s presence drop down besides him, he continued to look straight ahead, refusing eye contact.

Joel was sure that it was an attempt at distracting him or perhaps even to keep his own mind busy but he continued to ramble on, asking all the questions that should probably be on his own mind… probably would have been on his mind if it weren’t for the fact that his entire universe had just collapsed in on itself.

He tried to tune him out, preferring the thick silence that came when his brother would wander off to check for… well, whatever the fuck these things were. It was futile though, unable to escape from his ramble of words. Something about wondering if it was a new strain of rabies… or whether it was a result of the new flu vaccine that had come out- the one that neither of them bothered to get and then wondering why it happened all at once and then he simply just couldn’t take it anymore.

“Tommy. Please, just shut the fuck up.”

And then his world fell back into that thick silence. He could feel his brothers eyes on him, brimming with concern. It was only then that he turned his face to look at him, to properly acknowledge his siblings presence.

His usually bright eyes were dulled, heavy circles hung beneath them and for a fleeting moment he wondered how it was that he looked right now. That if Tommy presented himself in this beaten down, anguished state where stress clung so visibly to his expression- then how dishevelled and broken he must appear himself. It was only a passing thought, one that didn’t stick for any more than a second. In all honestly, he didn’t have it in him to care.

Joel’s focus settled on the purplish deep ring around his brothers right eye, all puffy and swollen from when he struck at him upon fleeing the ditch. He should have felt guilty, should have apologised but he couldn’t… he simply didn’t have the capacity to do so and he wanted to drag his palm down over his weary eyes in shame. He couldn’t bring himself to do that either, unable to face seeing the blood- her blood- that still stained the texture of his skin.

He turned away, a scowl forming across his face that would soon become one of his recognisable characteristics…

Tommy tried again, his tone quiet and timid, “Joel…Sa-”

It was another series of ‘couldn’t’. He couldn’t hear her name being spoke and he couldn’t have this conversation, not now. Not when he couldn’t even absorb and process her…her… He couldn’t even say it within his mind.

“No. Don’t. Don’t you dare say her name.”

He swallowed thickly, sensing his brothers retreat and he could feel the suppressed anguish bubbling up, threatening to explode. His fingers quivering and jaw clenching so tight that it felt as if his molars were on the brink of cracking. The desolation and self torture of losing a child breaking him apart despite his sheer refusal to accept what had happened. As long as he didn’t acknowledge it, as long as he didn’t register that it was her now stone cold blood that was soaked into the fibres of his shirt, then it didn’t happen. It didn’t happen and Sarah was just simply at school or at her moms or even a fucking friend- it didn’t matter where but she was still here, just not with him and that if he could force himself to believe that, then he might just be able to continue on.

“Smoke?”

He let the suffocating breath go, his eyes meeting Tommy’s once more and the skinny white stick had already been stuffed with tobacco and rolled, being loosely held out for him. He knew he shouldn’t, had worked his ass off for the past year in trying to quit but right in that moment, he’d take just about anything to numb even a fraction of the pain. So he nodded, and accepted the offering between his fingers, still refusing to look down whilst allowing Tommy to light it.

His head rolled back when bringing the cigarette up to his lips, inhaling in a long drag and finding some deep comfort in the way that the smoke filled his lungs. The brief high of the nicotine was intoxicating, it rushing straight to his head to temporarily relieve a sliver of the excruciating weight. A brief passing second where all was airy and weightless despite still being so very heavy.

The moment having him forget the one little precept he’d given himself - don’t look down. Without much thought his burdensome head rolled forward as his lids fell shut, a tension being released at the base of his skull but still an action that he came to instantly regret when his eyes opened once more. His shirt drenched in red, his fingers, hands and arms also coated. It all dried and tight but then his hem still damp. Unwillingly forcing himself to face the excruciating reality.

He could feel the panic settling in, the guilt and anguish too. Rocking himself back, he tried to focus on a lone tree in the distance. His trembling hands bringing the quivering burning stick back up to his lips once more, an even harder drag sucked in, holding the thick smoke within his body that little bit longer and blowing it out straight ahead to watch it swirl and dissipate into the clean oxygen. It didn’t do a damn thing this time, his mind too broken to accept the high and he was panicking. His skin crawled, his sick psych becoming hyper aware of the way his shirt stuck wet to his stomach, the way the red on his arms tightened and crisped beneath the heat of the Texan sun and it itched, fuck it itched unbearably and all he wanted to do was skin himself alive to escape it.

There was no going back. He couldn’t return to his dismissive ways from moments ago, he couldn’t escape from it, his own body soaked in all its evidence and he felt as if he was suffocating.

Joel jolted up to his feet, entire body quivering and head shaking as a panicked mania set in. Despite his crumbling mental state, the voice speaking out from around the cigarette was disturbingly calm albeit shaky,

“Gotta- fuck, need to get outta this fuckin’ shirt- can’t… gotta…”

His eyes were on the blood once more and he all but tore the tee shirt from his chest, his breathing beginning to hitch and labour as he used the ruined material to frantically scrub at his arms and hands until they were red raw before tossing it aside along with his rollie.

Tommy hauled himself to his feet, taking a precautionary step back as he watched his brothers shoulders heave with each breath, his nostrils flared and eyes almost feral as the soiled shirt disintegrated beneath the smoke. The evidence burned, and any sign of Sarah’s death destroyed despite her obvious and soul destroying absence.

He swallowed thickly, unsure of how to proceed, of what to say. Joel was volatile, vulnerable in a strange sense and the wrong choice could lead to him receiving a second black eye in a fit of uncontrolled rage. His eyes scanned over his brothers bare torso, his stomach still smeared in wet crimson- some of his own as it oozed from the untreated bullet graze to his side, his elbows still clinging to its crusted remnants. Tommy understood then, recognised what triggered this outburst and within an instant shrugged the flannel from his own arms.

Joel tried to shove him off, his contorted mind not recognising the consolation that his brother was so desperately trying to offer. Still Tommy refused to relent, proceeding to force the less sullied shirt over his siblings rejective arms and ignoring the half hearted threats and grunts as he did. It was only when the material was pulled up and onto his shoulders did Joel finally yield, his head dropping to Tommy’s shoulder in a breakdown of devastating sobs.

It was a heart breaking phenomenon to Tommy. His older brother always being the one to have all the answers, always put together with his head on his shoulders after being forced into adult maturity at such a young age- him being given a second chance to escape the incriminating life that his younger self had begun to follow and doing so, so successfully with the focus of his daughter. Yet here he was, breaking down on the one he usually pieced back together himself with no answers at all. All Tommy could do is grip onto him and do his utmost to ground him.

A spiel of emotion bubbling out from within those anguished, desolate sobs.

“S-she’s gone, Tommy. She’s fuckin’ gone. I-I tried, I fuckin’ tried so hard to save her…”

“I know you did.” His own lash line beginning to brim as his nieces demise played over within his mind. The image of his brother clinging onto her lifeless body ingrained into his brain for the rest of eternity.

“I-I couldn’t do it. I-it’s all m’fault. I failed her… shoulda turned quicker. Bullet shoulda hit me… should be me in that fuckin’ ditch, not- not…”

The tears rolled then, slipping from his lash line and he wanted to reassure Joel that none of it was on him, that there was no possible way of preventing what happened.

“Can’t go blamin’ yourself, big brother. It ain’t your fault.”

Joel pulled away then, red glassy eyes so full of affliction and rue but his stare didn’t break.

“Then who do I blame? She’s my baby, I was supposed to keep her safe and- and I fuckin’ failed…”

———————————————————————

Neither of them moved, the remainder of the morning and into the afternoon spent concealed behind the mass of juniper brushes in the middle of the green belt. In hindsight, perhaps they should have moved on sooner to find a safer spot to grieve but neither were particularly well versed in either mourning or survival, nobody currently was…

They barely spoke, their gazes vacantly locked upon the distant horizon, the blazing heat dancing off the land as the late summer sun beat down onto their backs.

Tommy observed his brother, watching as the sobs diminished, the wet dried and how his expression turned into something numb. The life in his eyes shrouded in loss, leaving behind just the shell of the man he was yesterday.

They couldn’t stay where they were forever. With no water and limited shelter, the need to escape the burning sun was a necessity more than a want.

“C’mon,” Tommy pulled his weary self to his feet, leaving no room for negotiation as he slung his shot gun back over his shoulder, “can’t stay here… ain’t safe…”

Joel gazed down at the dirt beneath his legs, heavy head hung low before rising to meet his brother. None of it felt real, the past twenty four hours feeling like nothing but a terrible fever dream. The grief consuming him had him detached from the world, eroding his soul and leaving his heart void of emotion and yet, he was forced to keep going.

He nodded quietly, dragging himself upright with his exhaustion almost buckling his knees, “Should find water…”

The brothers staggered across the green belt in the direction of Bull Creek, avoiding civilisation as they moved.

“Should be farm land up ahead… can find an out house or somethin’ to use as shelter for tonight…” Tommy grumbled flatly with Joel not so much as bobbing his head in acknowledgment.

They ambled along in silence for a little longer, the sound of military air craft above vibrating through the ground beneath their feet. Tommy glanced up, reminiscent of his time in the army before glancing back over his shoulder to his brother. None of this would be forever, right? Surely it was just a matter of time before it would all come back under control, that they could go home? The military were taking action… that was a good thing- even just a few days maybe and then he could get Joel the help he needs to come to terms and overcome this tragedy, give Sarah the remembrance she deserves…

He went to open his mouth, his eyes chancing a look back in the direction they came. Smoke could still be seen billowing from the horizon. He went to say it, tried to placate his brother by any means, about to reassure that they could go back to the ditch, that they could bury Sarah properly so she wasn’t left decomposing in the elements but Joel could sense the hesitation before the words even formed.

“M’not goin’ back…” His words flat and final. Voided of any emotion and his eyes contrite as they both reduced to a halt, him a few steps behind his younger sibling.

There were a few moments where they both stood stationary in a neutral stare-down, Joel elegiac but unwavering at once whilst Tommy desperately tried to read him.

The thought of peaking the ridge and having to see her limp corpse at the bottom once again was devastating. The image of her ashen skin soaked in vermilion, cold to the touch and vacant of the light and warmth she once harboured made him feel sick to his stomach. His throat clenched as he swallowed down the acidic bile that burned, his head shaking slowly- deliberately as he saw Tommy’s mouth begin to move once more- a firm warning.

The eye contact and frigid tension penetrated before the younger of the two could formulate whatever the hell it was that he was about to suggest next.

Joel watched as Tommy’s head snapped around. His name being called or rather heaved hopelessly by a feminine voice - one he did not recognise.

“Tommy!? Is- is that you?”

It scratched from the girls throat and he observed as his younger sibling flashed him a fleeting cautious glance before turning back to the source of his name.

“The hell is that?” Joel all but snapped, his focus leaving his younger brother to peer past and then just like a little doll upon the tump ahead, there you stood.

His eyes raked over you with an expression stone cold, noting how your ruby shaded gloss was smeared across your cheeks, that dark tar like smudges streaked down your face, how you were wearing the most ridiculous little black dress that was shredded at the thigh and those fucking ridiculous heels that barely covered your bloodied and blistered feet. He could feel a misdirected rage bubbling beneath the surface, one he didn’t have the energy to let explode at how the fucking hell someone like you, a stupid and likely pissed up college girl, had managed to escape almost scathless whilst his sinless twelve year old met her fate at the hands of a bullet.

Joel’s nostrils flared as his attention flew back to Tommy, reaching out abruptly to grab and tug back his shoulder upon sensing his decision to approach this strange girl. His eyes boring into his younger siblings, with an assumption that you were just another one of his Friday night conquests, “No.”

Tommy’s expression pinched, searching his brothers eyes for even the smallest amount of empathy, “She’s on her own, Joel.”

“I couldn’t give a flyin’ fuck.” The scowl on Joel’s face was enough to create deep crevices engraved within his skin, “You even remember her goddamn name?”

His face fell momentarily, mouth slightly agape. Remember your name? He never even knew it to begin with… happy at the time to fuck you dumb under the pseudo of ‘Angel’ and then likely never hear from you again. He hesitated for a second too long, his ears catching as Joel scoffed with the mutter of ‘unbelievable’ grumbled beneath his breath.

Tommy shook his older brothers grip from his shoulder, his expression solidifying just as much to determine that this wasn’t a negotiation, “Regardless of how well I do or don’t fuckin’ know her; I ain’t leavin’ some poor girl out here alone in all this. I just ain’t. Ma raised us better than that.”

He didn’t wait for a response, turning his back to jog on up to you, leaving Joel planted where he stood growling his name.

———————————————————————

You were frantic, exhausted and petrified. You’d ran from that massacre of a chicken shop and had your exposed legs and bare feet carry you for as long as physically possible at the highest speed you could achieve. Sprinting down the streets and aiming for open land without chancing a single second to look back, you dodged anything that resembled a human and kept pushing forward. Even as the shockwaves of a nearby passenger plane that plummeted and obliterated into the ground blew you across the concrete on your knees, you hauled yourself straight back up and you continued run and run and run.

Eventually you had sought safety within an old rickety garden shed that stood stationary within a back yard on the outskirts of town and you had tucked yourself away beneath a half rotted shelf, with your knees tucked beneath your chin, eyes closed and palms cupped over your ears to block out the sounds of screams, gun fire and chaos from outside.

The power of your hands may have prevailed in denying those external nightmarish sounds of carnage from tormenting your inner turmoil but there was nothing that could prevent the internal screams that were so vividly loud within your mind. You could do nothing but futilely hope that your shaking sobs would drown them out. The purgatory and guttural wails of your most intimate nickname being shrieked by the damning voice of your best friend and the image of her pale blood splattered face flashing to taunt and torture you, “ Sisi… don’t leave me Sisi… Sisi…Sisi…SISI!”

You had gasped back to life with you fingers clawing at your heart. The light of a brand new day seeping in from the filthy windows to illuminate the particles of dust floating peacefully in the air around you… and there was silence. You basked in it, swallowing your breath and for a blissful moment you considered that it was nothing more than a graphic nightmare. That your skinless knees and shredded feet were as a result of some forgotten drunken escapade and not from running in fear of your life.

You groaned as you crawled out from under the planks of mounted wood that you hid yourself beneath, every damn muscle feeling sore and strained. The pressure of the untreated wooden floorboards beneath your lacerated soles was agonising, and you stifled back a pained yelp and instead reached for your heeled sandals, strapping them back to your feet.

Your bag had been lost in the chaos, your cell phone along with it and that alone had your stomach sinking upon the realisation that the previous night might not have just been an incubus as a result of having too much to drink.

You noted then, how you had barricaded the door with several planks of timber and that sinking feeling only engulfed you further.

Charily, you emerged from your hiding spot, nabbing a hammer that was left loose from the workbench on your way out; just for in the events where you may need to protect yourself. Everything was still, the soundlessness almost eery as you peered around the back yard you found yourself stood in.

You cautiously continued forward, slowly unlatching the fence gate to peer onto the street. A meek whimper squeaked from your throat at the sight. Bodies littered the pavements and road, the asphalt glistening under the suns rays with sticky claret and if it weren’t for the lack of food digested within your system, you were sure you would have spewed. The verity of your night tumbling down on top of you like a tonne of weighted bricks. You wanted to scream… wanted to wail for the loss of your friend, shriek in disorder for the life of the clearly sick boy that you so brutally murdered but the deep set fear for your own life stopped you.

You choked your emotions back, suppressing them for until you found safety before allowing them to flood your heightened senses. Your sole focus was on your breathing as you warily stepped around each corpse. Corpses with bullet wounds littering their bodies and prominent veins bulging from beneath their ashen skin. The scene before you reminiscent of those out of a horror film and you could swear you could hear every beat of your racing heart and the ragged puff of each strained breath.

You began to once again hear the pop of armed fire in the distance as you furthered yourself from civilisation, ducking behind walls and fences to conceal your presence before taking off into the small section of woodland that separated Austin from the Green belt.

You walked for hours upon hours, mouth like sand from a sever lack of hydration and the severe Texan heat only served to dry your throat more and more with each passing second. The beating of the late summer rays had your head clouding, exhaustion beginning to overhaul your fight or flight instinct as you dragged yourself along.

Each step becoming unbearable as your legs stumbled, ankles collapsing in on themselves and you fell to your already battered knees and for a moment you considered letting yourself fade away on this hill. Your lids fluttered shut ready to announce defeat to the world but in the darkness of your own thoughts Laura appeared. Laura who had no choice in her fate, whose want for life was stolen from her with no mercy or regard. Then your own mother, who lived hundreds of miles away- a mother who could still very much be alive and well, oblivious to the carnage and destruction of this city and Texas. You had a choice still, you could choose to survive.

With an audible grunt, you forced yourself back onto your frail feet and straightened your back, your soles blisters screaming bloody murder at you as they rubbed against the straps of your shoes. Then there, just a matter of yards in front of you, you saw something that you could only assume to be figment or hallucination as a result of your drought.

A set of broad shoulders and dark slicked back hair that was far more disheveled than when you last ran your fingers through it just mere hours before. Your heart skipped at the prospect of a somewhat familiar face, so much so that your eyes hadn’t even registered that he was not alone.

Your throat scratched as you called out to him, voice hoarse from both the lack of use and water, “Tommy?!”

You watched as his neck flinched at your call, summoning the strength to announce your presence again in the hopes that he may provide some sort of relief or comfort- in what way, you weren’t sure,  “Tommy? Is that you?”

The air in your lungs expelled in a relieved huff as his body turned after a few moments and his pace picked up to a jog towards you.

It was only then that you felt those bridled tears fall wet down your cheeks. He stopped a foot or two in front of you, cautious eyes warily scanning over your body in search for anything amiss.

“You ain’t sick, are ya?”

You shook your head, the backs of your palms rising to wipe the salted water away from your eyes, “No… I-I’m not.”

He released a relieved sigh before swiping the sweat from his forehead, “Good… that- that’s good.”

Before you could even stop yourself, the relief of being in the presence of another seemingly sane human had you breaking into a bumbling blubbering mess, “I-I I’m sorry. I know you don’t really know me but I don’t know anybody and, and, and my friend, sh-she- oh god- she’s dead and I’m so scared and I-I don’t know what to do or-or where to go and-“

The warmth of his calloused palms cupping either side of your jaw was enough to bring you to a whimpering silence, “Hey, hey, look at me. Look at me. It’s okay, you’re gonna be okay.”

You sniffled, your red tinted glossy eyes wide and flitting between his and you’re not even sure why you confessed to such a thing apart from the fact that you were barely thinking a coherent thought and panicking beyond belief, “I-I killed a man, Tommy. I murdered someone. Fuck, I’m a murderer… They’re gonna lock me up- fuck, they-they’ll kill me!”

His hold on your face only tightened, giving you a light shake, “Angel, angel, breathe for a second n’ look at me.”

You could feel yourself trembling, your focus on his eyes then travelling down to his lips before be started speaking once more.

“You did what you needed to do to survive, ain’t gonna be nobody huntin’ you down for that. Not when- when this is so much bigger than any of us, alright?” You saw him quickly glance back over his shoulder before turning to look at you once more, “Me n’ my brother, we had to as well. I killed a man too, and Y’know why? B’cause it was either us or them. Understand?”

You swallowed thickly and nodded, gaining some sort of composure as he released his hold and took a step back. His eyes were still on you, brows raised in seriousness although empathy still clung onto his features, “Now, we can help each other. Can see you’re alone so m’happy for you to tag along until it’s over and we can try and find our way through this shit-show as a team but- I gotta know somethin’ first…”

You felt yourself clam up, anxious all of a sudden until you saw the weak flinch of his lip.

“Gotta know what your name is, cause it’d sure as hell be a funny coincidence if I guessed right when I called you Angel last night.”

A meek and very half hearted chuckle left your lips as you sniffled. Your voice all nasally from your tears, “Selina… but most people call me Lina or…”

You stopped yourself short because no, most people didn’t call you Sisi. In fact there were only ever two people who referred to you as that, one of which is still likely splayed out in a pool of her own blood because you didn’t act quick enough and the other being your Mom. The thought of anyone else, especially a man you’d only just met, calling you by a name so sacred made you feel nauseous, “…just call me Lina…”

Tommy offered you a small well meaning smile, “Okay. Well then, Lina, we’re headin’ towards the farms up by Bull… if you wanna join? Hopin’ there’s shelter and runnin’ water there so we can hide out until it’s safe to go home.”

You hadn’t fully acknowledged the breath you were holding until it released from your lungs. The idea of not having to weather these tough and frightening times alone bringing you the smallest amount of ease but before you had the chance to even voice your gratitude and acceptance, a deeper, rougher voice shouted out from over Tommy’s shoulder.

“The hell are y’doin, Tommy? We don’t even know her. How d’ya know she ain’t sick, huh? Fuckin’ goddamn stupid.”

You felt your chest constrict as Tommy shifted his body to the left slightly in order to address the unfamiliar man who had approached, your eyes catching the glint reflecting off the blade of the pocket knife being held up in your direction and you felt your hand gripping around the handle of your obtained hammer that little bit tighter.

“She’s fuckin’ armed as well. Ya even notice that?” The man’s gravelled voice proceeded to scrutinise.

Tommy huffed, his shoulder placed in front of you as if to act as barrier, “Jesus Christ, Joel. Put the damn knife away! She look sick? She look like she’s gonna jump us or what ever the fuck you’re thinkin’?”

“I don’t know. I don’t know ‘cause I don’t know her and neither do you!”

“I’m not sick!” You blurted out, chest heaving as you met his eyes for the first time.

Cold and calculating as if they were sniffing for the slightest hint of deception. His hardened yet slightly troubled expression holding strong as he stared you down, the point of his knife flicking towards you.

“Prove it.”

Prove it? You blinked in concession. How the hell were you supposed to prove something that you had no idea about. All you knew was that you didn’t feel sick and had no urges to sink your teeth into another person, “How? The fact that I’ve not tried to rip yours or Tommy’s throat out with my teeth not enough?”

He had no response to that. His jaw left feathering as you turned back to Tommy, “Look, I don’t wanna cause any trouble for you guys. I-I can keep going but thank you-“

He cut you off with a single raised hand, a certain look flashed towards who you could only assume to be his brother before his attention fell back onto you, “Don’t you mind, Joel. He’s just…” He let out a pained sigh, his fingers carding back through his hair, “Look, it ain’t safe out there, Lina. Not at the minute and I can’t in my good conscience let you walk away alone. Come with us, hopefully it’ll just be for a few days.”

Your eyes flickered between him and Joel, noting at how the blade had been lowered and Joel’s agitated stare was locked onto an invisible spot in the distant as he grumbled his discontent with the arrangement.

Tommy’s hand landed upon your shoulder, the look in his eye so much more innocent than from when you first met him but equally as warm and inviting. You nodded.

He stepped away then, gesturing with his head as he moved forward, “Shall we get goin’, then? Be nice to find shelter before it gets dark.”

You swallowed thickly, your attention flickering back over towards Joel as he stuffed his knife back into his pocket despite the scowl still being present on his expression and marched towards you, his shoulder brushing yours as he stepped by with a low grumble, “Get them fuckin’ things off your feet. You’ll break your damn neck…”

———————————————————————

The three of you pushed on whilst consumed by a dense silence. The events of the past twenty hours falling as a heavy weight to crush what was left of all your humanity and energy. Each of you having your own separate experiences of the previous night, trauma’s that you were yet to share, yet to trust with one another and unable to ever forget.

You kept in line with Tommy with your heels clutched in your hands, allowing his brother to trail along behind.

He hadn’t so much as looked at you since expressing his concerns and vexations at your meeting point and you tried your hardest to keep your eyes away from him, noting how his head had been dipped with empty eyes staring at the ground beneath his boots as it passed by on the few times you had glanced back.

He was a little taller than Tommy, a little broader also and you found yourself wondering what he had left behind? The turmoil in his demeanour suggested something had been lost last night… perhaps it was just his sanity - that, you could understand.

The land around was lit up with an orangey hue as you passed the wooden plaque that announced your arrival at Tri-Star farm, an equestrian facility by the looks of things. Golden hour doing its job in giving fair warning of the impending dark that would soon begin to crawl in.

Tommy drew his shot gun as the three of you approached the main farm house, the two brothers muttering between one another in deciding whether the risk would be worth it, concluding that the main house would be where most people would go to first, that with the uncertainty of humanities current mental state, hostility could be a risk and so the decision was made to stick to the original plan; an out house or a barn.

You were quiet and deliberate in the way you all kept to shadows when moving around the large cottage, waiting until you ducked through the fencing and into the paddocks before letting your guards down a little.

It wasn’t quite running water, but an automatic water trough became the source of a quick drink and to freshen up. A shudder all icy and sharp trembling down your spine as you watched the remnants of dried blood lift from your wrists and fade away into the clear liquid. Snapping yourself out of it, you splashed its coolness onto your face, washing away what was left of your make up and then hydrating yourself.

It was as the three of you set your eyes upon a large two storey barn that you turned to Tommy with a request you had bitten onto for hours now.

“Hey… um, I don’t suppose you have a cell on you? One that still has some life…and credit?” Your brows furrowed ever so slightly, “It’s just that… I’m not really from around here and well, I just hoped that I could call home and make sure that my Mom is okay or just to let her know that I’m okay?”

Tommy glanced over to you, lips pulled into a tight line with a shake of a head. He fished around in his jeans pocket, pulling out a Nokia before tossing it over to you.

The spike of hope in your heart was soon deflated as you set your eyes on the words ‘no service’ stated where the signal bars should have been.

“Everythin’ went down at ‘bout four this mornin’,” he started, his own eyes falling to his feet with a certain contriteness to his demeanour, “been tryin’ to get hold of my own ma…”

You could see out of your peripheral vision how Joel acknowledged that with some surprise, clearly a revelation that he was not aware of… not that he seemed to be paying a great deal of attention to anything around him. It wasn’t that shocking to think that a couple of attempted calls had gone unnoticed by him.

——————————————————————-

The barn was spacious and the three of you settled yourselves in what you could only assume to be the hay stall, the floor padded out by fallen wisps of meadow hay and barley straw, full bales stacked around the edges.

You situated yourself atop one of those said bales, perching on its edge with your ever so painful feet dangling into a bucket of water; a bucket that Tommy had found and filled for you. You sighed as the coolness relieved the sting of the oozing blisters and lacerations with you leaning down to pick out any small stones and shards of glass that had gotten lodged into your skin throughout your travels.

It wasn’t long before Tommy was restless and back on his feet, concern in his eyes as he gazed hopelessly at his brother. Joel had barely spoken two words all afternoon outside of conversations that were a need to their current situation. He didn’t even look up, his brows deeply furrowed with his eyes locked onto his hands that picked at the remaining dried blood beneath his finger nails.

Tommy went to sigh, sucking in the breath but then not letting it go; not wanting it to be misinterpreted and end up in an unnecessary altercation. Instead, he looked up to you, propping the shot gun up against the wall before pulling a small pistol from his back pocket, “Lina, you can’t stay in what you’re wearin’- no offence but it ain’t practical.”

You shrugged, it wasn’t anything you hadn’t already thought, “None taken… I wasn’t exactly prepared to be running for my life when I left my apartment last night…”

A small snort left his nostrils, “I’m gonna go n’ scope out the main farm house. Will try find you somethin’ to change into and see if I can get us somethin’ to eat.” He clicked his fingers to where he left the shot gun, “Gonna leave this here n’ take my pistol instead. Joel knows how to use it just on the off chance that you need to. I won’t be long.”

————————————————————

He could feel his deterioration, endured it even, as it soaked through his flesh and muscle to be absorbed by his tired bones. Now settled within four solid walls and out of natures elements, there was no fight or flight instincts to distract him from the numbness, the impending doom.

Sat up with his arms resting upon his knees and his head rolled back against the wooden slats, he couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge this stranger that Tommy had so inconsiderately invited in. He couldn’t even face himself, let alone anyone else in this moment.

The silence was different this time around, it wasn’t just thick as it was suffocating. It wrapping around his throat and squeezing whilst its invisible tendrils travelled through his ears to fill his mind with unsavoury thoughts.

His mind running through every detail in slow motion, picking apart each and every little thing he did that day and all the actions he could have done differently. All the things that could have potentially altered the timeline to prevent the very moment his world collapsed in on itself.

What if he had let Sarah stay at her Mom’s that night after school- it wasn’t like he was around anyway to spend his birthday with her after working until ten…Would she still be here if she was in Houston? Or what if he ignored Tommy’s call for a bail out? If he hadn’t have left her alone, if he was present when it all first kicked off… he could have gotten her out sooner- would she still be here then? Or even if he hadn’t told Tommy to drive through the town? There was nowhere else to head that wasn’t already blocked off but what if they had just stayed out in that field and locked the doors? What if he hadn’t frozen at the sight of the sick mauling the throat of another human? What if he turned left or right instead of straight ahead upon escaping that kitchen with one hot on his heels? What if he tried calmly talking to the soldier? What if he just took his own damn gun out of the dashboard when they crashed so he could shoot the bastard first? What if they never crashed at all? She wouldn’t have been injured then… was that why they shot? Because she was injured? What if he turned quicker or held her differently in his arms? Would her fate still have been the same?

It was torturous and every time he’d ask himself a new question, his corrupted mind would just flash the image of her lifeless eyes, bloodied face and limp limbs hanging within his arms… his arms that were covered in her blood because he failed as a father. He failed to do the one thing that should have been instinctive to him. His baby girl, his pride and joy, the absolute centre of his universe, was dead because of him.

Then came the thoughts of her mother. What the hell was he supposed to tell Rachel? Tell her that his negligence is the reason their daughter is dead, that she is gone because of him? The woman that hated his guts enough as it was for winning custody, proving to him and everyone around that the courts made the wrong choice, that despite her previous drug problem- that she would have been the more capable parent because she at least, would not have allowed their baby girl to die.

The weight of the guilt was too much, eating away at his being bite by bite until there was nothing left. The psychological agony burning through him like a wildfire and leaving nothing behind but ash. Sarah was everything… he was and had nothing without her. He could see no future, no path followed ever leading to happiness or contentment because what is happiness when his only source of it is gone? How was it justified that he lives whilst she, so young and innocent had to die? He didn’t deserve to carry on… there was nothing left in the world for him anyway… he didn’t want to carry on.

The pads of his fingers grazed over the face of his watch mindlessly. The watch that she had gone out her way to get fixed for him just the day before, it’s ticking once against ceased. The face shattered with glass splintering, jagged edges prodding into his prints and he just couldn’t go on. Couldn’t live without her. There was no place for him on this Earth without that little girl at his side.

The relentless torment and torture being just too much. He had nothing left to live for. He had to end it. Had to end it now.

——————————————————————-

It felt like hours waiting for Tommy to return. Though, there was a good chance that you perhaps were feeling a little disoriented with the time as the atmosphere felt so thick with a palpable discomfort enough to almost make you scream, although his complete lack of acknowledgment to your presence made you think that this tension was perhaps one sided.

You tried not to make it obvious, splashing your toes in the water whilst regularly giving him fleeting glances beneath dark lashes. He hadn’t so much as looked down, eyes trained on some invisible spot high up on the wall but he appeared numb when you studied him further. Beyond numb, actually. It was if he had been sliced open and his soul sucked out. You wanted to ask, if he was okay… but he already wasn’t enthralled by your presence and so it was best to not ask stupid questions… neither to ask any personal…

You jumped so much that you kicked your bucket over when he did so abruptly stand to his feet, water spilling and soaking into the hay beneath to create a damp patch. Not sparing you as much as a glance as he snatched the shot gun from the wall and stormed off out of the stall you were residing in.

You panicked for several reasons. Had he heard something you hadn’t? Were you in danger? Or had he simply decided to go out alone and leave you here unprotected? He didn’t owe you anything after all and it was clear from the get go that he didn’t welcome you here. Even still, you couldn’t help but fret.

You called out to be met with no response, “Hey! Where you going?”

“Please don’t leave me! Please just wait for Tommy to get back first and then-then you can do whatever you want!” You tried again but you only received silence in return.

Something prickly settled over you then. Something dark and uneasy and you could feel it seeping into your bones and flowing through your veins… something that urged you to get up and go after him, if not just to check on him.

All of the main stalls were vacant bar a singular chicken that hopped and fluttered about. It was only when you heard the recognisable clunk of a safety latch being released that you noticed a small tack room to the back of the ground floor and you felt both your heart and stomach drop.

Quick but cautious you paced your way towards to the closed door, hoping to god that there was no way that it could be locked from the inside. As quietly as you could you twisted the handle and nudged the partition open.

The breath caught sharply within your lungs upon finding him. A gagging sound almost being released as you tried to set the strangled air free with your own heart pounding painfully within the cavity of your chest. Beneath the wall racks of leather saddles, he sat. His legs slightly spread with knees bent, the mag of the firearm stood up against the floor whilst the barrel was wedged beneath his throat, his finger hovering over the trigger.

“Don’t do it,” You heaved, “please… don’t do it…”

He refused to look at you, but his shaky voice agonisingly rasped the only word he had spoken to you since demanding that you remove your heels, “Leave.”

You shook your head, and you could feel the backs of your eyes beginning to sting, “No. No, I’m not leaving… You don’t have to do this, Joel. Whatever it is you’re battling- it will get better. What you’re about to do, it isn’t the answer.”

His throat bobbed as he swallowed down what appeared to be a hard lump and you could see him lose the fight to keep his tears at bay. One singular trickle escaping his lash line and glistening as it rolled down his cheek, a softness that did not match the sharpness or spit of his words, “You have no idea what you’re fuckin’ talkin’ about…”

You didn’t know what else to say. He was a stranger, you didn’t know him in the slightest and whilst your brain wracked for anything, anything at all, you found your self beginning to tremble with the pressure, “What about your brother, huh? You really think it’s fair for him to have to find you with your fucking brain splattered up the wall?”

“GET OUT!” It was bellowed, the sheer deep resonance shook the structure around you, it vibrating through your body and causing your ear drums to adjust. In any other circumstance you would have backed away in fear but regardless of the fact that this very same man had no reservations at pointing a blade towards you just mere hours ago, you found yourself remaining stationary. Unwavering to his commands.

His hands began to quiver and you could see how his finger began to hesitate that little bit more over the trigger. How he closed his eyes to block out the fact that you were still stood there. If you wanted a high definition viewing spot then so be it, once he squeezed that trigger, it wouldn’t matter to him at all. He didn’t care for if you stuck around to watch.

You couldn’t hold out any longer, certain that he was not pulling your bluff, you all but lunged yourself at him. The skirt of your dress riding up around your thighs as you found yourself straddling his lap, your fingers clasped around the barrel of the gun as you grappled so desperately to yank it away from his throat. “Give me the the gun, Joel. Please, please let me have it.”

Joel snarled through gritted teeth, fighting you on every step. Pushing at your chest, grabbing you by the hair to drag you back but you wouldn’t let him win, “Selina, I swear to god!”

“Just let it go, just give it to me.” You strained.

His own hand clasped firmly back around the barrel to join yours, heaving it back and pulling your body forward with it as you grunted. His voice almost a sob, “Just let me die. Please…”

A cry left your own throat at the sheer exertion, “I won’t do that! I can’t!”

He sounded and looked delirious, all sense and sanity obsolete as he tugged once more with a threatening growl, “I’ll kill us both. You want that? Cause I sure as hell don’t give two shits.”

Your attention caught on as his other hand slipped between your bodies, felt as his fingers prodded into your stomach as he fumbled in search for the trigger, a small desperate whimper escaping you as you forced your body further into him, pressing up tight against his torso in an attempt to block his access.

You could feel him still shoving you away, his own tears mixing with yours at the ridiculously close proximity and his thick digits forcing their way past your flesh. You felt him grab onto it and you scratched and clawed as his hands. Forcefully trying to pry his fingers apart as he tried to clamped down more.

Your fight was unwavering, the skin of his hands dented and smeared with his own blood and both of your strained grunts filled the room amidst your combined struggle. You kept pressing your body to his, kept pulling the barrel back towards you, kept clinging onto his fingers and he kept resisting all of it.

“Let go! Just let go!”

“No!”

Bang.

Chapter Text

Bang.

The hysteria of the past sixty seconds shattered violently as you heaved a winded cry, the butt of the shot gun recoiling harshly back into your stomach. The kick back forcing you down and onto your ass with the weapon clattering down onto the floorboards beside you.

The awakening blast of gun fire reverberated throughout the wooden structure you both sheltered beneath, its hostile sound to be heard echoing around the surrounding acreage.

Wide eyed and pale, you gaped in startlement. Your ears rang, the screaming buzz unbearable as the pitched noise disorientated you completely.

It was all followed by yet another wordless silence as you met his stare. A distressed silence that quickly contorted into something catastrophic. His glower initially enraged but as you looked deeper, as you scrambled through his many layers, you could see the sudden apperception of his actions hitting him all at once. You could see as the colour drained from his cheeks, the subtle tremor that vibrated through his body, how the fury behind his irises dampened to something oh so broken.

Neither of you could look away, ragged breaths sharing the same air and you knew you should have dove for that goddamn shot gun, grabbed it and emptied its chamber but you didn’t, the shock rendering you paralysed. The moment seeming to have much the same effect on him as you simply sat not even a foot apart and just stared.

You hadn’t even registered it at first, the hot wet blood that all but poured from near his temple and cascaded down the side of his cheek. It would seem that he hadn’t acknowledged it either, completely ignorant to the pain that surely must be radiating from it.

Then your tunnelled vision widened, catching sight of the funnel of dwindling daylight that tried to seep into the space from behind him, the elm splintering around an almost perfect circle and the charred smoked scent of burnt wood filtered into your dulled senses. He followed your line of vision, his hesitant head slowly rotating to catch sight of where his shot had landed for himself- how close it had been and the damage it had inflicted. You could see the way that the apple in his throat bobbed, could audibly hear the uneasy gulp that sounded alongside it.

You swallowed thickly yourself and despite your eyes stinging, you couldn’t even feel the wet trickle of your own desolated tears- unable to even ascertain when they first began to spill. Your glassy eyes met his once more and it was as if he had completely stopped breathing.

Your mind could hardly comprehend what had just taken place, the fuzziness of the moment slowly easing and a sudden grim realisation began to dawn on you whilst you watched the man before you visibly crumble away. You could see his old self; the man he was just yesterday despite him being a total stranger, rapidly slip away. Slip away and vanish to be replaced by something damaged, ragged and unhinged. Replaced by something that was by no means fully developed as of yet. It was a moment that felt far too intimate, far too dark for you, a mere outsider- a stranger - to be privy too. It should have been Tommy in your place right now but for some unknown reason, fate had instead chosen for it to be you to intercept this crazed moment… yet, the only thought now crossing your mind was this: What such tragedy would bring a man like him down to his knees in such a way?

Sure, the past twenty four hours had been a savage nightmare and perhaps most had taken uncharacteristically violent measures to get this far into the new day. Some may have even lost along the way- you sure had but you’d barely had the opportunity to even process this yet so what heart shattering cruelty must have taken place for this man to give up so entirely so quickly?

There were no words to be said, not a single one feeling worthy enough to voice in the moment as you were reduced down to a series of mumbled choked back whimpers. A hesitant arm rose, your arm. Fingers shivering as they warily drifted towards him, a sudden urge to wipe away the sticky crimson from his face - to let him know that you were still there, that he was still here.

The pads of your jittery tips delicately brushed against the top of his cheekbone, his hot wet blood transferring from his soft skin to your own and so timidly you breathed his name.

“Joel…”

It was as if the sound of your voice had broken part of his tranced spell, something feral sparking within his eyes as he flinched so defiantly away from your touch and you could see the silent warning so clearly within the flare of his nostrils and the sudden tameless glare of his eyes.

You retracted your arm back, cradling it to your chest as if he had just burned the flesh with the abrupt fire erupting from behind his irises. Yet you didn’t bow away from his stone cold glower as he built his defences up using the crumbled stonework of his old self and then for the first time, you felt yourself wracked with intimidation by him. Suddenly aware of how tall and broad he really was, how it would take him approximately thirty seconds to kill you with his bare hands if he so wanted to. How dare you prevent this, how dare you try and console his ruptured heart.

The smothering tension didn’t dissipate as the tack room door flung open with such force that it almost flew off its hinges. It didn’t dissipate but it was enough to be an excuse for you to rip yourself away from the heated, wordless glare that you had found yourself under.

“What the fuck…”

Tommy stood gawping in the doorway and you could see the way his stupefied focus flittered between you, the blood on your hands, Joel, the same wet red dripping down his face, the hole blasted through the wall and then the shot gun. You could see his mind processing, piecing it all together as his shoulders heaved with each breath and fuck, did you ever hope that he comes to the correct conclusion.

His scrutinising stare came back to you and in your panic for defence you found yourself becoming a hot mess of blabbering nonsense. He’d shoot you on the spot if he believed this was all your doing, why wouldn’t he?

“I-I-didn’t- not me- I-I- He- he tried and I-I couldn’t…”

With all your round eyed blundering, Tommy’s expression pinched and his eyes solemnly drifted back to the weapon lying on the ground, his palm eventually cupping his forehead as he tried to comprehend the events that had taken place in his short absence.

You could hear the shake in his voice, another man almost at his breaking point as he absorbed the scene in front of him.

“Jesus Chris Joel… what’d you do?”

There was no response from the older brother but you chanced a glance towards him, a fleeting glance that lasted just long enough for you to witness his expression drop back to that saddened vacancy of numbness.

It didn’t appear that Tommy was expecting any sort of explanation as he forced himself to address you with his last morsels of self composure, “L-Lina… I found some clothes for you… might be a little big but… I-I threw them down by the barn door…”

He didn’t need to be explicit, you recognised the ask for privacy and so you gently nodded before sucking in your own deep breath of poise and dragged yourself up to your feet.

——————————————————————-

The scavenged clothes were…fine. The jeans perhaps a size too big, sitting a little loose around your waist and the two large men’s t-shirts fitted you more like a dress- perhaps something you could work with if the late summer heatwave continues to ramp up. The hoodie fit well, though. Despite you not having an immediate need for it in the ninety degree heat but even so, all items were in one piece and a damn-sight more practical than this stupid little black mini dress you found yourself in.

You almost hadn’t noticed the pair of black converse high-tops stuffed with socks and strewn across the floor. Hissing with pain as you dragged the material over the lacerated state of your feet and thanked the fucking lords above that they both fit fine and were already worn in.

You were just folding up the spare tee to place atop of your tattered dress when you felt the presence of another step in behind you. You’re not sure why you did it but you froze in place without looking back, the sound of Tommy clearing his throat to announce his proximity causing your breath to resume and shoulders to ease.

“It all okay?”

You nodded with a simple confirming hum, proceeding to finish up folding the shirt.

“You… uhh… can put your spares in that rucksack I found… if you want.”

Looking around towards where he was pointing, you spotted where the bag had been launched across the ground, a couple of now likely dented cans spilling out from within. You couldn’t quite manage a smile but your lip did ever so slightly twitch, “Thanks…”

He approached you then, the weight of the world heavy on his shoulders as he slumped down onto the old rusted tractor that you had been using as a clothes horse and propped the incriminating shot gun up by his feet. A pang of empathy coursing through you.

You were cautious as you spoke, concerned that you could unleash something that you’d be unable to tame, “W-where is he? Joel?”

“Physically? Still slumped against that damn wall…” Tommy snorted with an exasperated shake to the head, “Mentally? I have no fuckin’ idea…”

Your teeth chattered subtly as you debated on asking the question that remained on the tip of your tongue: What happened to him? You decided better of it. That frankly, it was none of your business unless either of them wanted to tell you…

He spoke up again then, his low drawl slightly muffled by the exhausted drag of his palm over his face, “Think he needs stitches… head n’ his side…” his weary eyes landed on you then, “Could go back to the house… see if I can find a needle n’ thread or somethin’… n’ somethin’ to knock him out…”

There was a sense of certainty as you shook your head. Yes, you might have dropped out of your last year of college but you had attended a placement in the year prior at the local hospital. You knew the importance of sterilisation. “No, no. It’ll get infected if you do that- can’t risk it,” you paused for a moment, brows pinching, “You think he’ll let me look at it?”

Tommy shook his head with a furrowed brow, “Nah… he barely let me.”

You chewed on the inside of your cheek, a sudden recollection washing over you from your fleeing from the city, “Actually… before I bumped into you… I-I saw these white tents being erected… maybe… maybe it’s aid?”

He raised a brow, “You think?”

“I dunno…” you shrugged with a sigh, “but if he needs stitches, it’s worth checking out, don’t you think? Better than staying here and it still ending up infected…”

You watched as Tommy contemplated it, mulling it over within his mind.

“I can go and check it out first, come back and let you know?” You suggested, “If I leave now, I can be back my the morning?”

The way in which he shook his head was so adamant, “Nah. I ain’t lettin’ you go all that way alone… especially not in the dark…” he paused for a beat before manoeuvring himself from his seat on the tractor, beginning to edge back towards the tack room door, “I’m gonna try n’ drag him up. If it’s all official, maybe they know somewhere safe to stay as well until this all blows over…”

———————————————————————

Joel didn’t like it. He didn’t like the suggestion of going back towards the city one bit. He fought and resisted for a good two miles before his exhaustion had him relenting reluctantly to the idea, the loss of blood causing him to hang from his brothers shoulder.

You had tried to explain to Tommy where you saw these white material structures being elevated, and he nodded his understanding whilst the blood drained from his cheeks. You noted the wary look he subtly glanced towards Joel with, his brother just gazing numbly ahead as if he hadn’t even heard the discussion… perhaps he hadn’t.

You became befuddled as you recognised your trail going off route, a sharp change in direction suddenly being made and you couldn’t help but question the choice, “Where are you going? It’s straight ahead?”

Tommy avoided your gaze, his jaw clenching as he practically dragged Joel along, “I know… We’ll still get there, just takin’ a different route.”

You almost asked why but the tension and unease trapped within his expression and the almost unnoticeable panic in Joels eyes had you not bothering to question the matter any further. Settling on the conclusion that there must be a good reason…

The three of you finally arrived at the tents at just gone midnight and much to your great relief, your assumption had been correct. They were set up for medical aid.

Each of you had been dragged into a separate tent and you had to admit, you hadn’t anticipated a strip search being on the cards. It catching you by surprise enough so that you hadn’t begun to feel the mortification of being stood butt naked in front of two people you had never met before until they were almost done. You could hear the agitated deep southern tone of Joel’s voice unyielding to the request, muffled shouts of ‘don’t fuckin’ touch me’ coming from the tent next to yours and you prayed that he’d back down, for him to just let them do what they needed to do as your own nurse muttered something about being clear of bites.

They had tended to your shredded feet and sent you on your way with a bottle of clean water and some crackers for a snack. The antiseptic wash had stung like a bitch and a couple of the deeper gashes required some glue before being bandaged up. Overall, with just a clean and some compression they were feeling more comfortable already.

You waited for the two boys. Sat upon a stack of metal boxes with your feet dangling. The facade of your forced peace in the moment didn’t last as the moment alone allowed you to relive the last twenty four hours. Laura’s terrified and bloodied face, the beast above her staring right at you with the flesh of her throat dangling from its mouth, the fresh thick crimson dripping and pooling onto the linoleum floor around. The noise of your heel cracking though the thick boney plate of its skull before you were forced to watch the life of just a boy slip away from behind its eyes. Laura’s weak voice screaming out for you as you abandoned her dying body in the centre of the shop floor. Sisi…Sisi…SISI! You weren’t sure if you could survive anyone ever you calling you that again… then the bodies that littered the street…the spine shuddering sound of gun fire and then finally the image of Joel hunched over that shot gun.

You choked a tearless gasp, clutching at your chest as the first stages of your trauma caught up on you. Trying your best to compose yourself as you spotted Tommy round the corner.

His brows furrowed in concern as he spotted the glistening wet beneath your eyes but before he could even question your metal state you blurted out an unconvincing and nasally lie.

“I’m fine, I’m fine…” you sucked in a shaky breath as he settled beside you with his arms folded across his chest and and brows knitted, “h-how is he?”

Tommy sniffed inwards, the back of his hand swiping beneath his nose, “He’s fine… they’ve given him some drugs to space him out and managed to stitch him up… goddamn idiot…”

He huffed, almost a laugh but one of disbelief, “N’ for years I was always called the loose cannon… fuck… I jus’…” he sighed, crestfallen eyes landing on you with so much guilt, “I jus’ didn’t think he’d…y’know? Try n’ do…that. I’m sorry… I shoulda seen it comin’. Shouldn’ta left him alone with you. It wasn’t fair on you… on either of you. I could’ve talked to him…. Fuck, I coulda prevented it…”

You shook your head, a comforting palm placed upon his shoulder and your voice was so small, using the last scraps of empathy that you had within you, “You weren’t to know, Tommy. Please don’t-None of this is your fault…”

His head dropped between his shoulders, the frown not leaving his face.

You bit the bullet then, your dark curiosity getting the best of you, “What…what happened?”

Tommy’s eyes drooped as his face lifted and met your solemn gaze and you could see the agony behind his expression. He hesitated, brows twitching as he debated on whether or not to tell you the truth. He sighed heavily, fingers pinching the corners of his eyes, “You can’t bring this up to Joel, understand? I-I don’t think he can handle it…”

You nodded sincerely.

He told you then, his eyes tearing up and losing the battle to remain strong. He never gave you her name but ran you through the horrors of their night. How he had a twelve year old niece, that Joel had a daughter… How they became separated after their truck crashed… How they almost escaped the city… How her and Joel had reached the the suburbs and how they were supposed to meet up just north of where he then found them… Then how he found them, with a soldier stood over Joel, a rifle aimed at his chest. His niece sprawled out within a ditch just a few feet away, blood soaking her clothes. How he shot that soldier dead without a second thought before he had the chance to pull the trigger… How he then watched on helplessly as that little girl cried and screamed in agony until she passed away in Joel’s arms… How his brothers wails would be sure to haunt him for years to come…

You found yourself without words once again, a familiar pain stabbing into your heart as you glanced around and towards the tent that Joel still resided in. It all suddenly making sense. You had been told before that there was no greater pain than losing a child as a parent… Your heart broke for him in that moment- a sudden understanding as to why he didn’t want you around. 

Tommy’s broken voice sounded again, “T’s why I had to take a different route… we would’ve passed that ditch n’ I dunno if her body would still be there but…I-I couldn’t risk Joel seein’ that. I couldn’t see that…”

You wrapped your arms around his shoulders and pulled him into you. You held onto each other for what could’ve been seconds, could’ve been minutes, could’ve been hours and you could feel the hair on the top of your head dampen with his fallen tears.

He sniffled eventually, his palm soothingly rubbing up and down your spine and there was a certain comfort that came with it. His voice was still wet when he spoke, “Thank you… for stoppin’- savin’ him… I don’t know what I would’ve done if…if…”

You didn’t say anything, unable to think of an appropriate response. ‘Your welcome’ seemed demeaning for the circumstance.

His voice sounded again, slightly more composed and a little less teary, “I’m sorry… I ain’t even asked how you’re doin’… How’re you holdin’ up?”

And for the first time since the world fell apart, you allowed yourself crumble down into pieces, to let the dam burst and free the deluge of fear and anguish for it to consume you for just a small while. To let yourself fall apart in the arms of a stranger…

Chapter Text

It felt good to release all of that pent up fear, anguish and grief. Letting it all bubble over and out to dampen the mans shirt that you had clung onto with such desperation and he held you all the way through it. He wrapped his arms around you silently, tucking you into his chest whilst you cried and cried for what felt like a lifetime. You didn’t tell him everything; you couldn’t. How could you when your mind hadn’t even processed it? Your only memories being flashing gory images, haunting sounds and the sense of great loss. Not just the loss of your friend but the loss of the person you once used to be… you could feel yourself slipping away, becoming a product of your trauma. This situation may right itself eventually but there would be no coming back from the things that you had witnessed or the acts you undertook just to survive. Your tears weren’t just for that either… they were also for all the unknowns. The unmapped devastation that you had once hoped to have been contained in the very city you had resided in… You knew better than that now…Overhearing the nurses and soldiers that patrolled the area. It was all over the states apparently… all across the world, even. Where there was civilisation, there was this same level of destruction and carnage.

You had heard a lot of snippets of muttered conversation as you waited for Tommy to find you. Talks of clearing the area, evacuating the tents and moving all those rounded up into the ‘safe space’ they had managed to rapidly fence off just on the suburbs of town. A quarantine zone, as they had put it. Talks of how difficult this disease will be to contain, how a doctor from Indonesia confirmed that there is no feasible cure, how that it was a certain death sentence. Discussions around how this had no end in sight, how the damage across the world was already too far gone, how they would need to think of ways to maintain population control.

You thought of your mother, the regret of not going home this Summer so sickeningly prominent. A hope that she found sanctuary within her small two bed apartment and sheltered herself from the chaos. A wish that she had found herself in much the same situation you had, wrapped in the warm arms of a friendly stranger whilst receiving any medical attention that she may require… It was a belief that you had to keep alive in order to keep pushing; that she was alive, well and not worrying herself sick about your current condition. Although there was very little point in fooling yourself about the last point… she was your mother after all.

Your mind then drifted to Laura’s parents… do they know the fate of their daughter? Would they ever find closure if not? Were they even alive themselves?

With a deep refreshing breath sucked in, you recomposed yourself. Skin pale, nose red and eyes wet, you sniffled. Pulling yourself back and away from Tommy’s chest, choosing to purposefully ignore the large water stain left in your wake, you swallowed thickly. Feeling better was certainly the wrong term in relation to the emotions coursing through your body and mind but with your ducts emptied of tears and the tension behind your eyes fading, you certainly felt lighter. You were more than aware that this would come in stages, that this first crumble would be one of many but for now, you’d take the belief of a small burden being lifted… even if you did only tell Tommy a small fraction of what was on your mind.

You followed him after, your hand wrapped in his as he lead you back towards Joel’s tent. Deciding that it was best to keep a close eye on him considering how unpredictable he was currently being, with Tommy providing you with a quiet but stern warning before hand: Remember, you do not know about his kid.

Even with the sedatives still wearing off, Joel remained to look less than impressed. His eyes void of any light with the lines across his brow deep and intense, their presence and his exhaustion aging him- not that you knew how old he was to begin with.

You remained stood back by the tent entrance whilst Tommy perched on the edge of the temporary hospital bed. None of you spoke a word, with Tommy occasionally glancing up towards you but Joel? He hadn’t so much as acknowledged either of your presence.

The nurse ambled to and fro, checking heart rates or for any signs of fever as the medication wore off of him, “It’s all looking good. We’ll give it another twenty minutes and then we’ll get you three moved into the safe zone.”

It was so nonchalant the way in which she had said it, as if you all knew exactly what she was talking about. It was like she had repeated the same statement over and over- perhaps she had…

Tommy hadn’t overheard the same conversations you had and neither did it come up in your breakdown just minutes before. His head perked up, “Safe zone?”

“Uh-huh.” The nurse turned around from the make-shift counter she was hovering over to face the three of you, picking up on your perplexed expressions, “The forces worked tirelessly throughout yesterday and last night to secure a small part of the city. We started moving people in this afternoon… it’s not much but it’s safe and it’ll be improved on over time.”

You watched as Joel’s face dropped further, “The hell d’ya mean, over time? How long is this gonna go on for?”

Her eyes shifted between the two brothers, “We still don’t know massive amounts about this at the moment but what we do know is that this disease is not going away anytime soon. It’s spread like wildfire all over the globe in just a matter of hours and currently there is no known cure or vaccine.”

“So what?” Joel’s expression twisted almost incredulously, “You’re gonna round us all up like goddamn animals and lock us all down?”

“It’s for your own safety, Sir.”

You could feel yourself cringe inside your own skin, could see that fire reigniting within his eyes and this time, with thanks to Tommy, you understood a little more about its trigger.

“Safety? For our fuckin’ safety?” His eyes hardened, jaw tensed and his fists balled into the white sheets surrounding him, “How many people died that night at the hands of the goddamn forces?”

The nurse stood tall, her tone that little bit more direct, “Those people were sick and a danger to those who weren’t. It was the kindest outcome for them.”

Joel tugged up the hem of his shirt, hardened eyes not leaving the nurses whilst he exposed the wound she had not long stitched up and it was subtle but now that you were aware, you could swear you heard his angered voice break ever so subtly, “Do I look sick to you?”

“My…” You watched as his head bowed, his expression pinching under the sudden weight of his burdens. Him unable to voice out loud the statement that part of himself wanted to scream. You could only assume the words he was suppressing: My daughter was not sick.

The nurse swallowed thickly, her focus flitting from her stitch work and up to his now lowered head, “I’m sorry you got hit but they were just doing their job- or as best as they could given the circumstances.”

You jumped in, deciding that a topic change may be necessary to prevent Joel from hauling himself at the member of medical staff. Your tone timid, “D-do you know how the sickness is, um, passed along?”

She dragged her eyes away from Joel, whose glower remained, to address you. Her demeanour softening as she landed upon you, “Bodily fluids seems to be the primary way. An infected person bites, saliva enters the bloodstream and it passes along.” She paused for a moment, “Could possibly be other ways… maybe ingestion… there’s still a lot of uncertainty…”

“So what, is it a parasite or somethin’?” Tommy questioned, planting himself between the nurse and his brother, leaving him to reel silently to himself.

Shaking her head she sighed. A sigh of despair and exhaustion from what you could tell, “No, not in the way that you’re probably thinking. Before we lost communication, it was confirmed as a type of fungus…”

“Fuck me…” Tommy snorted, trying to find some sort of sadistic humour in light of the desolation around, “the world taken out by a bad case of athletes foot…”

You watched as the nurse absorbed no amusement from his comment, her demeanour drained, “Ophiocordyceps unilateralis… far worse than any type of common fungal infection…” She closed her eyes for a second, lips pulled into a tight line, “and prior to forty eight hours ago, only ever seen in insects… not one person on this planet was prepared for this…”

You frowned, a sudden recollection of a David Attenborough documentary you watched a few years back springing to mind, “I think I saw something about it on TV once…The ants, right? Where it takes control of the mind?”

She nodded, “Exactly that…”

There was a moment of contemplation where the four of you fell into a mindful silence. Your attention snapping back to reality as the nurse once again spoke up, a certain urgency to her tone.

“Okay, I need to grab a few basic details from you all and then we really need to get you relocated to the zone.” She addressed Tommy first, “Name, age and any known medical conditions?”

“Tommy Miller. Twenty-eight and uh, no… no medical conditions…”

You watched as she scribbled his responses down onto her clipboard before moving onto Joel, “Sir?”

Joel’s jaw was still taut, almost talking through gritted teeth, “No.”

Tommy’s exasperation came out in the form of a heavy breath, his palm tiredly rubbing across his forehead, “Joel… jus’ give the lady your damn age.”

His position on the matter was firm, decided. The muscles in his face feathering as he swung his legs around to the edge of the bed, “No. I ain’t doin’ shit. Can’t trust these fuckers…”

“C’mon… it’s shelter and-“

“How the hell do you know that they ain’t jus’ gonna line us all up and shoot us?”

“Ain’t that what you wanted anyway?” Tommy snapped, the tension between the two suddenly palpable.

The nurse cleared her throat, “If they were planning on killing you, they wouldn’t have me wasting valuable resources on patching you up. Now I can’t force you to go, not whilst we have limited space but…” Her eyes darted around her surroundings, her posture suddenly cagey, “there will be mass efforts to clear as many of the infected as possible over the next couple of days. It won’t be safe out here…”

You watched as Joel continued to glare, something shifting from the pure defiance he had shown just moments before. The subtle changes unreadable to you and you saw Tommy give him a raised brow before talking on his behalf once content that his brother had momentarily given up his fight.

“His name’s Joel Miller, thirty-two and no medical issues bar the one’s you’ve just stitched up.”

The nurse provided a firm nod before finally addressing you, “and you, Miss?”

With your arms folded across your chest, you squeezed at your upper arm, “Selina Harris, I’m twenty one and no, no known medical conditions…”

“Good. Okay.” She placed her clipboard down, grabbing three cards from a pile on her table before handing one to each of you, “Turn left outside this tent and head straight. There’s a guarded checkpoint, you won’t miss it. There is a QR code on each card; that is your ticket into the zone. Keep it safe and present it to the soldiers once asked then they’ll escort you.”

———————————————————————

The process was relatively smooth with minimal chaos. You tried to tune out the cries of broken families as you passed through the congregation of white tents, finally setting sights on the promised check point. The soldiers scanned your cards and removed your weapons as well as any collected food, an action that Joel certainly had plenty to say about with Tommy pleading with him to just ‘shut the hell up’ before then instructing the three of you into the back of a personnel carrier that already seated a small waiting group.

You couldn’t see as you sat silently in the dark, feeling the vibrations of the engine and each bump and crack in the road. The vehicle plated all over with thick armour and no windows to emit natural daylight but the dimness of your immediate surroundings did nothing to drown out the external noises, them sounding intensified more than anything. Screeching, shrieking, gun fire and the occasional thump of what you could only assume to be infected hurtling themselves at the aluminium alloy barrier that separated you from them as you travelled.

It was a tight fit, about twenty bodies all stuffed into the back of this one vehicle. You found yourself squished in between the two brothers, something that provided you with an extra sense of comfort…or safety. You weren’t entirely sure which… or why it made you feel that way. You were as sure as anything that Joel would happily leave you for dead if given half a chance.

The journey felt like a lifetime full of anxiety despite it only being twenty five minutes according to your watch, the vehicle grinding to a halt and remaining stationary for a further five before a team of military cracked open the back and called you out one by one.

The area around you was cordoned off by temporary defence barriers, armed officials patrolling at every turn of your head whilst your group were lead through the derelict streets and into what was once Ascension Seton South West Hospital. An indication of what part of town was being used as the ‘safe zone’.

Your group was split as you entered into the building, into three smaller cohorts. You clung onto Tommy as the guards divided you all somewhat equally, your fists twisting at the material of his shirt as they glanced over the three of you before gesturing for you all to move to left hand side.

You were lead again, deeper into the hospital. Flights of stairs taking you into the nephrology unit and then into a large ward. The clinical white room was ordered methodically, rows upon rows of hospital beds, all positioned efficiently in order to fit in as many as possible.

The soldiers released you into the room, not much more being said apart from the obvious fact that it would be one bed per person and to ensure isles are kept clear.

Tommy shrugged his pack from his shoulder, slumping down onto the bed he assigned to himself; one situated between yours and Joels. The weak smirk not doing much to mask his exhaustion or anxiety as he looked between you both, “An actual bed. Better than a barn floor, huh?”

You managed to give a small smile whilst fluffing up the rather flat pillow that you had been afforded with, providing a fleeting glance up towards Joel who offered nothing as he kicked back onto his own mattress to stare vacantly up at the ceiling.

“Alright, listen up.”

The first of a few announcements that afternoon commenced after they watched everyone file in and claim a space. Your head snapped up to pay attention to the figure entering into the ward, all soldiers standing aside.

“Welcome to the Austin quarantine zone. I understand that you all will have many questions regarding the events of the past forty-eight answers, questions that we hope to provide answers for over the upcoming days.” You watched as the man’s vision scanned the room, “We are the Federal Disaster Response Agency, tasked with responding to disaster and managing emergencies. Our top priority here, is ensuring your safety.”

Your eyes flickered towards Joel, taking note of the way he leant forward with his eyes narrowed before refocusing your attention back onto the authoritative figure now pacing leisurely back and forth.

“My soldiers are working tirelessly to clear more and more of the city to expand the zone. Eventually, we aim to put you into individual accommodation so this current arrangement is just temporary. But for now, this hospital is your sanctuary. Todays admissions into the zone will be closing off in approximately two hours. Once all have been accounted for, food will be sent around… I also understand that many of you will be concerned about loved ones. We will have desks open within the outpatient department where you can find out if individuals have been admitted into the zone. This will open shortly after we close the gates. Further announcements are to come.”

———————————————————————

Food consisted of a bowl of rice, boiled veg and what tasted like chicken, all to be washed down with a bottle of water. It was bland and almost as solemn as everything else in this damn place but beggars couldn’t be choosers… it was more than what you likely would have had if you’d all have stayed put in the barn.

Tommy thankfully managed to turn the tasteless affair around as he revealed the slightly dented can of tinned peaches he’d managed to smuggle into the building. Both you and him shared its contents between just the two of you as Joel declined the offering with a brash grunt, the juices dripping down your chin causing the younger Miller to break into the smallest chuckle and never had a can of two year old tinned peaches ever tasted so good.

The following hour had been spent mostly in silence, willing your mind to switch itself off in an attempt to relax. Although relaxing was very much a futile notion. The silence only ever bringing a certain grimness along with it.

Your repetitive, consuming thoughts gratefully interrupt by the latest announcement: The registers are now open for checking. Please head to the outpatient department.

You turned to Tommy, “I don’t know many people in Austin but I had a couple of friends… I’m gonna see if they…Y’know…made it. You coming?”

He shook his head, lips pulled into a tight line, “Nah… Imma stay here with Joel. You carry on, though.”

“Okay.” You nodded, “What’s your Mom’s name? You said you tried calling her before the lines died… maybe she’s in here somewhere? I could get it checked for you?”

You watched as he swallowed thickly, his expression dropping, “She ain’t gon’ be here. She lives in Arlington…”

“Oh…I’m sorry…” You found yourself hesitating, stuffing hands into your back pocket before then turning to leave.

“Good luck, Angel.”

He called out after you. A smile not pulling to your lips until you heard Joel’s voice sneer after him.

“The fuck you callin’ Angel?”

“Shut up…”

“Jesus Christ.”

—————————————————————-

The line to the help desk was queuing out of the units doors as you approached, not that you expected anything different. You’d gathered that most individuals would have been looking for at least someone…

You used the time to run through the names of people you cared enough to ask about… Although, you had to admit that you had a small selfish motive behind your searching. Yes, you did want to find out if these people were alive and well but, you also didn’t want to outstay your welcome with the two brothers. Tommy seemed more than happy to keep you around but Joel? He hadn’t welcomed your presence from the start and you could now understand why after imagining yourself in his shoes…He needed to grieve and it appeared to you that he wasn’t about to do that whilst you were within his proximity.

The queue moved quick and within less than an hour you found yourself at the front. A woman dressed in uniform sat at the desk, hair scraped neatly back into a bun and a forced warm smile across her lips, “and who is it that you are looking for, ma’am?”

“Uh… a few people actually… Erin Smith? Carla Seymour? Matthew Thompson?”

You watched closely as the woman scanned over the sheets of paper, names all noted down in alphabetical order. She looked apologetically up to you after a short while, “I’m sorry, none of those names are registered with the zone currently…”

“J-Joshua O’Connor?” The name blurted out from your lips before you had the chance to stop it. A sudden fearful realisation settling over you that you could well and truly be completely on your own… not just in this city but all over. That everyone you once knew had perished… that the only people you had left to turn to were the two men residing a couple of floor up. Two men that were mere strangers just two days ago. Your desperation for familiarity causing you to fall back onto the sour hope of your asshole of an ex somehow surviving all of this.

“We have no records of a Joshua O’Connor either.”

You could feel your bottom lip beginning to tremble, nodding your understanding shakily. You sniffled back the burning sensation, suppressing the fear back down, “Mhmm…okay… um- are- sorry -“ You took a breath, “D-do other cities have safe zones as well?”

She gave you a sad tug of the lips, “We’re trying to create zones in all major cities.”

A small spark of hope set off in your heart, “Memphis?”

“Yes. We have a team deployed in Memphis with the aim to create a zone.”

You wiped the back of your hand across the underside of your nose, your heart beating rapidly at the promising news. You tried to tell yourself that it might mean nothing, that just because a zone was being worked on it didn’t automatically mean your mother was safe. After all, Laura, Erin, Carla, Matt and Josh didn’t make it… but you did. And if you did, then she may have as well… “C-can you communicate to the other cities?”

The woman pursed her lips, “Communication across zones is not permitted for this kind of thing…” Her eyes scanned across your face, “How old are you?”

You twitched your nose, that hope beginning to dissipate as a tear silently escaped and rolled down your cheek, your voice coming out as a desperate whisper, “Just turned twenty one- please - I’m not from around here… I just want to make sure my Mom’s okay…”

“Okay…” She sighed, “What’s your Mom’s name? You gotta promise me to keep this quiet or else we’ll be overrun with requests.”

“Thank you, thank you,” You breathed, “Her name’s Lisa Harris…”

“and yours?”

“Selina Harris. I-I won’t say a word, I swear.”

She offered you a small smile, “Well, Selina. I’ll see what I can do. If I hear anything, I’ll come and find you.”

———————————————————————

“Any luck?”

Tommy questioned as you approached your bed, climbing atop, sitting cross legged and staring down at the white sheets. Out of the corner of your eye you could spot Joel flicker his attention towards you for just a passing second.

You simply shook your head. It wasn’t a lie… you hadn’t had any luck. No confirmed survivors out of the few people you did know here and yet the simple question prompted a sense of guilt over the favour that soldier had offered you. How you weren’t the only person searching for your family… how Tommy was another one of many… but you couldn’t risk breaking your promise.

“Sorry…” He sighed, “It’s still early days, though…bet there will be more arrivals tomorrow…”

“Yeah, maybe…” Your smile was small, “Listen, I’m gonna try and get some sleep…”

———————————————————————

Joel’s mind hadn’t stopped. Not once since that bullet skimmed his temple and blew a hole in the wall behind him, the same bullet that he had convinced himself was destined to put him out of his misery. The thoughts weren’t always rational or coherent but they certainly didn’t cease to exist.

For now, at least, they were coherent… whether or not they were considered rational very much depended on you as a person. For him, a man that was in the presence of the organisation that had killed his daughter without any mercy, these thoughts felt so very justified.

The flashlight on the rifle glaring into his eyes and the words ‘ Got a couple of civilians in the outer perimeter, please advise’ being repeated over and over within his mind.

Someone in this building gave that order… that order to shoot. Someone in this building was alive and well with his little girls blood drenching their still warm hands… Someone was the decision maker in that sudden and horrifying moment…

He could feel the self destruction morph into a simmering rage, the desire to kill himself reshaping into something perhaps darker. An ill planned and off-the-cuff need for vengeance.

He waited for the ward to grow dark, for all those watching eyes around him to grow heavy and be consumed by sleep. Tommy gave in first despite you stating your were turning in for the night over a good hour prior.

Instead, he watched as you gazed up at the ceiling, eyes wide open whilst on your back. Your pretty little head looking a million miles away- as if you were patiently waiting for something… What the hell could you possibly be waiting for? Didn’t you know that all of this was a lost cause? That nobody was coming to help?

Joel found himself almost startled when you quietly spoke up.

“You can’t sleep, either?”

His mask scrambled back together after faltering for just a couple of seconds, the scowl returning to his expression, “No.”

Your voice was mellow, perhaps somewhat soothing if his mental state wasn’t already so far gone.

You pointed towards your own temple, “How’s your head?”

He swallowed thickly, eyes dropping to his hands as the shame and embarrassment of his actions kicked in, “T’s fine…”

“Good…” You paused for beat and he could sense your hesitation, the break in your words causing his body to tense in preparation for self defence. You continued ever so delicately, “It wasn’t your time to go…There’s still plenty to live for. You just gotta find it.”

He went to snap. To tell you to shut the hell up, that you had no clue to what you were talking about, that you’d never understand that level of loss and that you were too young and naive to even comprehend such a thing but then his eyes met yours. Your tired gaze so soft with the smallest smile filled to the brim with empathy and compassion and the poison on his tongue dissolved completely. The muscles in his face loosening into something that resembled contriteness but no words would form.

Your shared tender gaze held on for a few more moments before he forced himself to blink away and clear his throat, “You should try n’ get some sleep…”

“You too…it’s been a long couple of days…” Your voice sounded so gentle to his burdened ears, a small buried part of himself wanting to keep you talking just so he could listen… but he’d never ask, “Good night, Joel…”

——————————————————————

02:55 the following morning…

“Wake up.”

“Goddamn it, get the hell up.”

“Tommy!”

The words spoken were all hazy in the daze of being disrupted from a deep sleep. Tommy’s eyes prying open as his shoulder violently shook beneath the hold of two large palms.

It took a moment for him to come too, to recognise the deep southern accent and familiar touch. The words enunciated with such a frantic urgency yet spoken barely above a whisper. Joel.

Joel’s shoulders heaved with each panted breath. His eyes wild, untamed, feral as he towered above.

Tommy’s brows furrowed, vision still squinting as he forced himself to sit up, “The hell’s goin’ on?”

“We gotta get outta here. They’re gonna come after me. We gotta leave. Now.”

“The fuck-“ His own words cut themselves off as his sight came into focus, absorbing the image of his brothers hands soaked in wet crimson, “Please fuckin’ tell me that’s from an infected…”

His stomach dropping to the ground as he was met without an answer, watching as Joel’s throat bobbed with the truth.

“What the hell did you do, Joel?”

Chapter Text

Tommy could feel the blood drain from his face as he searched the eyes of the man that stood before him, his pupils blown wide and tinted by something dark. He was unrecognisable in that moment, a far cry from the loving father and hard worker that had been his big brother.

Joel’s voice was frantic, his body trembling and if it weren’t for the fact that they had just dragged their asses through what appeared to be the end of the world without having even a pot to piss in, he would have been convinced that he had taken and been intoxicated by something.

“Tommy, I mean it. We gotta move.”

“You fuckin’ infected or somethin’?” Tommy found himself pulling back and away, shuffling himself as far back on the mattress as possible with his voice perhaps being a little higher than intended amongst the panic.

“Keep your goddamn voice down!” Joel practically growled through gritted teeth, “I ain’t sick.”

“What then? Drugs?” He eyed his brother up suspiciously before wiping a distressed palm down over his face with a shake of the head, “Y’know, right now that don’t even matter… What the fuck have you done?”

He watched as Joel straightened, his shoulders still heaving as he frenziedly scanned the room, “Get your ass up now! C’mon, move it!”

Tommy dragged his eyes over towards your bed, a sudden and crippling fear that perhaps it was your blood on his hands. He wasn’t entirely sure why he’d think that… perhaps you had mentioned Sarah and he had lost it? But how could he possibly be covered in that much blood when all weapons had been confiscated upon your arrival?

He took a breath upon spotting the peaceful rise and fall of your chest as you slept on your side facing him, your hands pulled inwards and hugged into your body. You were too young, too pure to be dealing with any of this…His observation of you interrupted as Joel tugged back at his shoulder.

“I’ll explain it all, Tommy. We just gotta get outta here first.”

There was very little sense in it all. How just a couple of hours ago, he was falling asleep somewhere deemed as safe with his brother seemingly doing the same beside him. How did things change so drastically in that time? If it wasn’t you, then who? Was it just some passer-by that looked at him funny?

“Alright, alright. I gotta wake Lina up…”

“No.” There was a firmness to Joel’s voice, a decisiveness. As if your existence and involvement with their lives over the past two days had already been considered before landing upon his absolute conclusion, “She is not our responsibility.”

Tommy scoffed, “She’s the only damn reason you are even still breathin’ right now.”

Joel’s eyes restlessly searched the shadows of the room once more, the panic is his demeanour only heightening at the muffled shouts coming from elsewhere in the hospital, “You wanted her safe, yeah? Well she’s safe here. Come on, we gotta move.”

“Thought you didn’t trust these fuckers? How can you now say that she’s safe here?” The younger brother counteracted. He paused a beat, not waiting long enough for Joel to give a proper response after he huffed incredulously. Tommy’s voice dropping an octave as he continued. “She don’t know anyone. She’s alone here.”

“Not my problem.”

“She deserves the choice, Joel. You owe her that much…”

The discordant yelling only grew in volume with each passing second, the voices becoming closer and closer. Joel’s eyes darted between the double doors at the opposite end of the ward and Tommy’s uneasy expression, “I don’t give two shits what you do but we gotta go. Now!”

He didn’t wait a moment more before slinging the depleted sack that had been stolen from the farm house over his shoulder and striding briskly to the closest exit, keeping his eyes trained over his shoulder.

Tommy glanced between Joel’s retreating form and then your still serene sleeping form, muttering a series of whispered curses beneath his breath before jumping to his feet.

He swallowed thickly before rushing around to your bed side, crouching down at your level and providing the top of your arm a couple of firm squeezes. A sense of guilt washing over him at the notion of pulling you away from the what was likely the first moments of deep rest that you had experienced in days.

You began to stir, your nose scrunching and brows furrowing as you gradually came around from your slumber.

His whisper sounded harsh and urgent whilst watching your eyelids slowly flutter open, “Lina…You with me? Lina? C’mon we gotta leave.”

Still dazed by sleep, his words barely registered, “Wait…wha-“

And he didn’t know how to explain it. How to explain something that he simply did not know…so he let his mind run and speak the only logical conclusion that he could come up with, “I-I don’t know what happened but Joel… he- he musta seen somethin’. Says we ain’t safe, that we gotta leave now.”

Tommy’s words had you suddenly very alert,  all sense of sleep dissipating from your mind whilst your body scrambled to sit upright. Your ears instantly tuning into the muted ruckus that still remained to approach. You swallowed thickly, wide eyes staring at Tommy as your heart pounded within your chest, “You think that the sick has gotten in?”

He was already back to his full height and tugging at your wrist to get you up quickly as he responded, “I don’t know… Joel jus’ said that we gotta get out of here quick.”

You stumbled back to your sore feet, biting back the stiff pain whilst slipping your achy toes back into those old converse sneakers before knotting up the laces in record time, “Where is he now?”

Tommy was already walking away and you could see the slight tremor in his limbs, “He went this way…”

You followed after him, pushing through the heavy oak door and into yet another corridor. You spotted Joel almost instantly, your stomach clenching at the sight of the deep crimson stain saturating his shirt, his arms and hands splattered in liquid red. What the fuck happened? He had looked so calm before you allowed your eyes to close and drift away just hours ago… What possibly could have changed that?

He stood with his back pressed up against another door, his teeth grinding together anxiously and left boot tapping on the linoleum flooring in a nervous manner before he caught sight of you both approaching. His voice a low rumble as he abhorred your pace, “Hurry the hell up, goddamn it. C’mon. Through here!”

You both followed after him, the open door leading into a multi storey stairwell of aluminium steps, the clang of each of your rapid footsteps echoing up and around. Rubber soles on a metallic surface reverberating off the walls. The three of you managing to rush yourselves down multiple flights before the tinny sound of reinforced boots could be heard ascending from just several flights below.

Joel’s movements stopped dead, your palms braced at his broad back to prevent you from tumbling forward and into him. He didn’t so much as acknowledge your touch as his knuckles white-gripped the railings either side with a growl of profanities escaping him as he desperately searched your surroundings for any possible escape, “Shit, shit, fuck…”

You could feel the fear radiating from within him. It palpable between your close proximity whilst it transferred and absorbed into your own quaking veins.

Tommy watched as his brothers focus landed upon yet another closed door just two flights up from where you were all stood. Joel’s body brushing past yours as he jogged back up to that level without giving you so much as a second glance.

His voice was hoarse, his lungs deprived of a proper gulp of air. His wired eyes red and dark as they darted between Tommy’s and yours, his expression one of frustrated perplexity- as if the pair of you should just know the severity of the current situation, “The fuck you both just standin’ there? Move!”

“I swear to fuckin’ god, Joel. You better had a damn good reason for all this!” Tommy snarled back as he chased up after him, you hot on his heels before ramming your bodies through that single metal door.

The room on the other side was relatively small. Cast in just the shadows of the witching hour only a photo copier, desk and plastic seated chair resided. A large full length window stood at the far end, a pane of fragile glass that Joel marched straight over to.

You observed as he eyed up the landscape ahead, the once animated horizon now muted and void of the usual glow of the cities skyline. His fists clenched and unclenched before his eyes restlessly searched each inch of the room from where he was stood.

It was abrupt and heedless the way in which he gripped ahold of the back of the chair, swinging it over his shoulder and hurling it straight into the window, the glass fracturing with web like lines before shattering completely. Large jagged shards falling externally down towards the ground below.

His head briefly dipped out of the hole created, his hands breaking down and ripping out the remaining sharp edges to create a seamless escape route, “There’s a bit of a drop but there’s a ledge below…”

Tommy hurried to his brothers side, eyeing up the distance between where they stood and the next solid level below them. He’d done this before, dropped from higher ledges, ran from bigger threats- being shipped out to Bosnia in ninety four as a newly considered adult did very little for him in regards to making him feel like a hero but it did make him painfully aware of the limits that a human body could be pushed to. He swallowed thickly, eyes meeting Joel’s with a brittle nod, “It’s doable… I’ll jump down first…”

Joel bobbed his head in agreement, his focus fixed on his brother as his eased himself out of the opening and dropped down. His eyes remaining glued downward until satisfied that Tommy had landed on his feet and then he turned to you, “You’re up next.”

The rapid thump of your heart beating against your sternum was pain inducing. Your mind so dazed by the sheer amount of disorder once again that your adrenaline had you nodding dumbly.

You edged towards your only escape route, peaking out and sucking in a lungful of the fresh air… but then you looked down, a heavy nausea churning within the pit of your stomach and your legs turning into something that resembled jello as you absorbed the drop. Swallowing the suddenly solid lump with your throat, you swivelled your body around to face Joel. Your words a rattled mess as you stuttered and blundered, “I can’t. It-it’s too high. I-I-I don’t do heights… I c-can’t jump.”

His large hands gripped around each of your shoulders and you flinched beneath his unanticipated touch, half expecting for him to shove you out of that window whilst the blood from his skin transferred and printed onto your off-white tee but to your surprise he came down level with you.

You could see him holding back his frustrations, an irked puff of air snorted from his nose before composing a shaky sort of attempt at reassurance… an attempt that strangely worked as his deep umber eyes stared straight into your soul and for a brief passing moment it felt as if the pair of you were in some kind of synchronised spiritual state. As if he was giving you a glimpse of the man that he used to be just days ago. Your breathing matched his own whilst his grip continued to squeeze firmly but not harshly around your shoulders, his voice a low calming drawl, “Yes you can. You can do this. You know why?” He didn’t wait for you to respond, “because it’s your only way out. They’ll shoot you on sight if you don’t.”

You could feel yourself trembling beneath his grounding hold. The approaching noise of thundering boots sending a frightful shudder down through your spinal cord and yet, he didn’t take his eyes off of you. His brows raising in encouragement leaving a series of creases within his forehead and it had been the softest you’d seen him in the two days you’ve known each other. “Selina, listen to me. You’re gonna grab my hand real tight, I’ll lower you down and Tommy will be there to catch you at the bottom, alright? But we gotta move now- ain’t got much time left.”

The brutal contraction of your lungs evened out as you gulped back your fear, your head bobbing in quick succession as your much smaller fingers gripped around his hand. The warmth and callouses providing some unexplainable comfort as you lowered yourself down, legs dangling over the edge.

“Tommy! Gonna need you to catch her!” His deep voice vibrated through your very core as he called down to his brother whilst crouching behind you. The tone lowering just for your ears once he saw Tommy move into position, “You ready?”

“Mhm.” You weakly agreed before sucking in a deep breath and twisting onto your stomach.

You scrunched your eyes closed as your clutch squeezed around his hand and tricep as tightly as you could manage. Every damn muscle in your body taut with tension as you shimmied yourself back and out of the broken aperture, your shirt riding up to expose your midriff to the raw natural air and you could feel it’s still warm gentle breeze tickling at your bared skin. You tried to tune out any surrounding noise, your sole focus consumed by the breaths you were taking and the sound of his voice above you, a string of hurried praises as he continued to desperately urge your movements.

“Good girl, that’s it. You’re doin’ it.”

Your lungs hitched as you felt yourself dangle mid air, a small squeak escaping through your lips as your nails sank into his flesh and you hugged your face into the warmth of his thick forearm.

“Ain’t as far down as you think… M’gonna lower ya down, okay?” You could hear the strained grimace within his voice as he supported your entire body weight.

You nodded tightly, feeling yourself gradually drop down and before you knew it another set of arms were wrapping around your thighs and bringing your feet down to the concrete.

As soon as you hit solid ground you gasped for oxygen, your quivering limbs beginning to still as your organs revitalised. Tommys hand landed upon your shoulder, providing a supportive squeeze while staring back up at the smashed window.

“C’mon, get your ass down here!”

By the time you too dared to glanced up, Joel had already lowered himself from the ledge. His head briefly dipping to judge the distance of the drop before letting his grip on the brick edge go and landing on his feet.

You went to thank him, to express some sort of gratitude for the gentle support he provided in that moment but as you caught his eye, every ounce of the warmth and humanity he displayed just seconds earlier had vanished. That harsh stoic expression washing back over his face as he ignored your very presence and shoved at Tommy’s shoulder, picking his pace back up into a jog. “Should keep movin’…”

You both continued to chase after him, sprinting across the flat top of the hospital roof until reaching its end.

Joel ground to a halt, his arm reaching around to scratch at the back of his flushed neck, the slightly grown out hair on the nape of his neck slick with sweat and sticking to the skin whilst he searched for any way down.

Tommy was quick to join the search, the pair of them frantically skimming around the perimeter of the edge in opposite directions before the younger of the two called out.

“Got a ladder! Let’s go!”

Just as before, you found yourself sandwiched between the two brothers. Tommy climbing down first with Joel following down after you.

As soon as all three pairs of feet touched the earth you all continued your sprint for freedom, the boundary of chain link fencing being highlighted by the strobing illumination of a search light.

“Joel, y’think you can get yourself over?” Tommy questioned breathlessly as you all neared the protective barrier.

“I’ll manage.”

The offensive brush of fluorescent swiped over your fleeing figures, exposing your attempted escape to the bodies on watch.

A series of authoritative shouts and bellows followed after you, “Hey! Stop where you are! Exiting the zone is prohibited!”

Tommy turned to you, his grip clasping around your arm and tugging you ahead of him as you approached the base of the fence, “I’m gonna boost you over, okay?”

He crouched onto one knee and cupped his palms in front of him, “Lina, step up!”

The rush of the moment coursing through your veins had you not thinking twice as you placed your right foot into his palm and heaved your weight towards the wire as he hauled you up. You scrambled over the top before letting your self drop down onto the other side, both Tommy and Joel following suit just a short moment after.

And just like that, the three of you retreated back into the uncharted shadows of this new and unrelenting world.

———————————————————————

The three of you continued your pace of escape until enough distance was put between you all and the zone. Enough so, so that Joel was content that the soldiers would not follow.

Doubled over and gasping for air, you found refuge behind the wall of an old office block.  The complete lack of sound providing you with a blissful moment of respite. Each of you ingesting as much fresh oxygen as physically possible to rejuvenate your shrivelled and desperate lungs.

Tommy collapsed back against the brickwork beside you, his elbow nudging into your side whilst pulling his now recognisable packet of tobacco from his back pocket and tugging out three already pre-rolled cigarettes. Your eyes following his hands movements as he held the three roll-ups out as an offering, “Smoke?”

You watched as Joel hesitated for just a beat before shaking his head at himself and plucking one of the sticks from his brothers fingers anyway.

Fuck it. You had only ever been a social smoker previously, enjoying the nicotine high within a group of friends whilst intoxicated by whatever your chosen poison was for that evening (usually vodka or rum) but after the surreal events of the past few days, you felt like you at least deserved it.

Allowing Tommy to light it for you, you inhaled a long drag, feeling the burning smog enter into your airways and waiting for that much desired weightless high. You choked instantly, spluttering the smoke back up and out before even having the opportunity to properly inhale it. Unable to bring your eyes up to look at either of the brothers, you did your best to suppress your embarrassment after hearing a low judgmental snort escape from Joel.

The three of you smoked in otherwise total silence, taking the free moment to process the events of the past thirty minutes as best as you could before you were left with the smouldering butts.

Joel was the first to flick his to the ground, stomping out its remaining embers before preparing to move on again, “My house ain’t far from here. Ain’t got much in terms of food but enough to keep up goin’ for a couple of days. Still got my truck in the garage with a tank full of gas as well- should be enough to get us… somewhere.”

“Hell no, Joel. No.” Tommys scoff was very much incredulous, “I ain’t followin’ you another fuckin’ step until you explain what the fuck that was?”

You watched as his shoulders tensed, his back continuing to stay turned towards both you and his younger brother for a couple more beats before then slowly rotating around.

His expression was unreadable. A mixture between caginess, anger and torment as his focus flitted uncomfortably between you and then knowingly onto Tommy. A silent discussion being had between them from what you could tell. A conversation that you were not invited into. Whatever went down, it was clear that Joel had no intention of revealing it to you.

Him and Tommy remained in a stalemate, a suffocating taciturnity whilst their eyes bore into one another. You found yourself almost afraid to move, that if you did, it may cause something to snap within one of them.

It was Tommy who first broke the tense silence. His tone low and severe as his arm loosely gestured towards his siblings blood soaked shirt, “Last time I checked, blood don’t spill for no reason… we had our weapons taken as well so, let’s start with how… then we’ll move onto who or what and why.”

Neither of them looked your way, their surroundings being drowned out amidst their deadlock, yet your attention was glued to the two brothers. Your heart was thumping within its cavity and yet a perilous level of curiosity consumed you. A desire to understand just how Joels mind worked, what triggered what you could only assume to be a bout of unhinged violence, how he managed to inflict such an injury to cause so much hot red to spill without the aid of a knife or firearm.

You watched as he ground his molars together with a clenched jaw, a huff of air being released before stuffing his fingers down into the back pocket of his jeans and tossing what first appeared to be a small metallic disk at Tommy’s feet.

It took you a moment to recognise what the item actually was. A flimsy circle of aluminium, one that was still smeared with the remnants of its victim. A lid… a lid from- holy shit …. You were aware that you should have been horrified, that your face should have drained from colour at the sight of the lid that once belonged to your smuggled can of peaches but whilst you did find yourself speechless, you also found it somewhat impressive. Impressed by how he’d think of an object so domestically mundane and then craft its seemingly harmless but cutting edges into a weapon of a grievous nature.

Still, you remained soundless to allow Tommy to continue his control over the situation.

“Jesus fuckin’ Christ…” Tommy’s expression pinched with a heaved sigh. His palm rubbing at the tension beneath his forehead, “The peach tin lid? You… Ya killed someone with a fuckin’ lid?!”

Joel didn’t respond, his eyes dropping to the ground beside his makeshift weapon with his brows furrowed into a brooding state of recollection, hands stuffed within his front pockets. You tried searching him for the slightest hint of remorse but there wasn’t even a morsel of such a thing. He had no regrets or guilt from whatever actions he undertook… Perhaps it was just infected?

It became more than clear that Joel had no intention of revealing anything further whilst still within your presence, a fact that Tommy had also become painfully aware of as he clung into the last crumbs of his restraint whilst dragging his attention towards you.

“Stay here and keep hidden. If you hear or see anythin’, you shout. We won’t be long…”

You nodded, the small but increasing fear of being left alone creeping into your bones. Their figures both disappearing around the corner of the building and out of sight. You knew you shouldn’t have infringed on their privacy, that you should have just remained in place and waited but with each passing second the chills shredding down your spine only increased.

Who was to say that there wasn’t an infected lurking nearby awaiting its opportunity to pounce? Did the sickness give them the ability to calculate in addition to the animalistic tendencies? You really didn’t know… nor did you care to wait and find out. With that notion ingrained into your mind, you quietly followed after them.

They hadn’t moved far; their forms stood just out of earshot from where you were supposed to still be stood. The pre-dawn shadows concealing your being as you pressed your self up against a nearby tree, your inquisitiveness getting the best of you as you eavesdropped in on their disputes.

“The fuck did you do, Joel? I swear to god, if you say infected…”

“Wasn’t no infected…”

“Alright, then who…and why?”

Your eyes squinted, as if the action would help your ears tune in better. As hushed as their voices were, you could still recognise the hesitation in Joel’s pause before his words then turned fervent.

“I did it for her, Tommy… Someone gave that order. Someone told that cunt to pull the goddamn trigger and…” You could hear his voice begin to break, the deep inhalation sucked in to steady himself, “why should he live, tellin’ me n’ you when to eat n’ where we can and can’t go whilst his hands are fuckin’ drippin’ with my babies blood?”

“The guy that came around to ward? That was a General…”

“He was the highest rankin’ prick I could find… It had to have been him…”

“You targeted that man, Joel! You don’t even fuckin’ know f’sure it was him! You… shit- you just murdered…”

It was like you were back in that barn, the way in which Tommy’s words absorbed through his flesh and into his being. Even from where you had hidden yourself, you could see his face drop and eyes widen. It finally sinking in that his younger brother was correct. It had been murder… The state of realisation was just a fleeting expression, that stoic unfazed masked slipping straight back on.

“No. Tommy… You just said yourself that he was the General… It-it was him. It had to be…”

“Why did it have to be him? You not listen to a damn thing I’ve told you over the years when explainin’ how it all works? How’d ya know that soldier wasn’t talkin’ to a fuckin’ lieutenant? Or captain?” You watched Tommy shake his despairing head, “ You don’t, Joel… You didn’t know. That man you just fuckin’ slaughtered with a shittin’ tin lid-What about his family, huh?“

“What do you want me to do? He’s already fuckin’ dead…”

It was said with so much finality, with such a brutal bluntness that you had to stop and wonder if you had hallucinated the brief passing pinch of horrified realisation that had crossed his eyes just moments prior. You waited for Tommy’s retaliation… a fight back that never came as he instead brushed past his older brother, a disgusted shake of the head as he grumbled lowly.

“We should get back to Lina…and start walkin’ towards yours…”

Chapter Text

The walk was completed in near silence. A palpable friction loomed between the two brothers that added an additional unease to your already existing and very much cumbersome disconcertment. Just the mere fact that you were back out in what now felt like an uncharted wilderness had your lungs tight and senses heightened. Austin may not have been your hometown at heart but it had become a familiar comfort at the very least over the course of the past two years. Now it seemed unrecognisable. Every building, every tree and each abandoned vehicle that casted a dark shadow appeared ominous with the risk of concealing something much more sinister. 

You were more than a little bit thankful that Joel had been true to his word when he had mentioned that his house was not all that far from where you’d all broken free from the hospital. A modest two bed home coming into view as you entered what appeared to be a picture perfect cul-de-sac after just an hours walk, and with the new dawns first rays just breaking above the horizon, a warm homely glow was projected across its brickwork. It was just a fleeting moment of disconnect but you found yourself taking a freeing breath as you soaked in the homely view. An evanescent second where in which your mind temporarily fooled you into believing that your nightmarish reality was nothing more than just that, just a ghastly figment. The higher powers of this new world that loomed unseen above you seemed to remain vigilant, determined to drag you kicking and screaming back to your true present as the echoes of a guttural screech echoed from within the distance. 

This wasn’t just a vivid incubus. No, this was  your new factuality. It was only then that your rose tinted lenses skewed, revealing the destruction and devastation that still surrounded you. Smashed windows, blood splattered walls and fallen power cables that still smouldered and fried.

Surprisingly enough to you, the brothers had managed to lead you around any further commotion and fight. Infected were seen feasting on their latest victims in the not so far distance, but your cautious and calculated steps didn’t seem to draw their attention towards you, allowing you an uninterrupted passage through the edges of town and into this new neighbourhood.

You followed Joel up the paved path of his drive way, your focus lingering on him as he hesitated just at the curb. You hadn’t noticed it at first, the bludgeoned cadaver that belonged to the frailest image of a little old lady- a neighbour, maybe. You couldn’t place his face as he towered above her body, his fists balling at his sides whilst a repressed scowl formed. He squashed whatever thoughts were running through his mind with a squandering shake of the head, his thumb and finger pinching at his chin as he grumbled a bout of inaudible words beneath his breath before continuing towards his front door.

You felt Tommy’s presence behind you and you could hear the lump swallowed as he too locked onto elderly woman’s lifeless, cold form.

“I-I’ll move her.” He called out.

Joel’s shoulders tensed at the sound of his brothers voice, his stance freezing square at the lip of his front door. His head half turning over his shoulder but not actually making eye contact with either of you. “Don’t.”

You dragged your eyes to the ground at your feet, shying away from the tension that lasted a long moment before the sound of keys jangled and a door slamming shut penetrated through the strained air.

The warmth of Tommy’s passing palm on your shoulder had your head lifting, his voice a low solemn mumble as he moved past you, “She was infected…it was her or well… us…”

“Did you…?” You let your question tail off, speaking quietly.

Tommy’s lips pulled into a tight line, his brows pulling together and then furrowing, “Uh…No…” His hand loosely flicked towards the body, “Joel’s doin’.” 

You allowed yourself a proper observation. Her unkempt mess of blood matted white locks not doing much to hide the large indentation within her skull and the pink tinged fluid that oozed from the orifice of her ears. Again you felt an uncomfortable nausea begin to bubble… Is this the same state you had left your own kill in after crushing his skull with the heel of your sandal? A congealing state of bodily fluids and decay?

Swallowing your queasiness down in one large gulp, you forced your sorrowful eyes away. Suppressing the gruesome flash back image of your heel piercing through the brittle skull of that boy in the same prolonged breath. You nodded tightly, a delayed response to Tommy’s answer before following his steps up the remainder of the driveway.

———————————————————————

You kept close to Tommy. Him leading you through to the living room where you noted that all picture frames had already been taken off the wall and carefully placed face down.  

Joel was slumped down into the couch cushions, his face buried within his palms as you entered into the room. You could tell that Tommy was already searching for something to say, his hesitancy pronounced enough for Joel to sense it.

His face rose from his hands, eyes all reddened, damp and anguished landing on his brother.

“Tommy, please don’t…” He said, voice broken and pained. His gaze dropped back down to his hands, restlessly twiddling his thumbs before his expression pinched, “I-I need a minute.”

You took a step back as he so abruptly straightened upright from his seat. His brows still drawn with agony as he marched past you and towards the hallway, tossing his keys towards his brother with firm words, “Lock all the doors and don’t touch anythin’.”

He didn’t look back at either of you as he disappeared around the corner, the squeak of boots ascending stairs following shortly after.

The concern in Tommys eyes was blatant and the same mutual anxiousness passed through into you. You knew your thoughts were shared, your worries regarding the man that was so obviously crumbling to pieces. Did he have access to anything he could potentially harm himself with up there? Would he make another attempt if given the opportunity? 

Tommy huffed, dragging a palm heavily down over his face before giving you a pointed look, “I’m gonna go n’ check on him. I’ll lock the door on my way up…”

Your eyes followed him out of the room and you found yourself stood awkwardly alone. Afraid to move just in case it did anything to cause offence. Eventually you moved to the couch, delicately perching yourself onto the end cushion whilst trying to tune your ears out from the raised voices coming from above. You decided to not eavesdrop this time, it felt inappropriate whilst within his own home. Your mind being filled with forced thoughts as you glanced around the room you sat in, seeing if you could pick apart the closed off mystery that was Joel Miller. Tommy was relatively open and easy to talk to, happy to give you snippets of himself. You’d learned that he’d been in the forces himself before moving to Austin the year before you had. He’d told you how he wanted to be close to Joel, how his brother had offered him work to help give him some structure whilst he was finding his feet again after being on the front line. You told him more about yourself too. How you were here to study midwifery, that you ended up dropping out but hadn’t found the balls to tell your mother- joking about how that such a thing doesn’t even seem to matter now… but Joel? He gave you nothing. The very little you did know about him, was revealed to you by Tommy.

The interior design appeared fairly modern despite the home itself being modest. A man that took pride in his home, it would seem. It made sense, you thought. From conversations with Tommy you learned that Joel’s line of work was construction based, that they were contractors. Carpentry, tile work, masonry… Yeah, it made a lot of sense that he’d keep his home up together. Then there was the wooden carvings that decorated the shelves and you wondered if he had crafted them with his own hands or if they were store bought. In the corner between the couch arm and the wall you spotted a guitar case, something that did surprise you. You didn’t know much about him, but from what you had seen so far, you couldn’t image him playing or having the patience to learn in the first place… And then your focus fell onto a pink rucksack that had been placed on the coffee table… a school bag, perhaps… one that likely belonged to the little girl that Tommy had vaguely told you about. Your gaze turned vacant, lost in thought as you wondered… What was her name? How old was she? What was she like?

You scrambled your far away thoughts from the subject before coming to any assumptions as the sound of footsteps neared.

Tommy appeared around the archway, dark circles beneath his eyes and a weariness to his movements, “He just needs a moment…”

He moved towards you, placing an additional revolver down onto the coffee table beside the bag as well as a hunting knife. His lips twitched as he found your eyes, falling down next to you, “Just in case…”

You nodded, allowing yourself to sink back into the cushions. 

“What happens now?” You asked.

Tommy’s arm stretched out behind you across the back of the couch, his head rolling slightly towards you. He shrugged, “It’s quiet here at the moment… seems safe enough. I reckon we try n’ rest and then decide on a plan. Our Mom’s up in Arlington… Joel ain’t keen but I wanna head up and Y’know…”

You hummed your understanding, taking note of the exhaustion within his body.

“You’re doing a good job, Tommy.” You said gently. “Really…”

You noted the small appreciative if not slightly coy smile that tugged at his lips, his tired eyes hooded as he gazed into yours. “Thanks… You’re bein’ real brave too, Angel…”

Neither of you looked away, the small smiles across your cheeks fading into something more needy yet unfamiliar. You couldn’t place what it was. It wasn’t desire… not even infatuation. It was nothing even remotely similar to the sultry heat and wanting between the two of you on Friday night. This was… less… different. Perhaps just a need for intimate comfort?

Unable to truly comprehend what you were doing you felt yourself gravitating towards him, his body doing much the same as he bowed his face to your level. You closed your eyes and allowed it to happen, allowed his lips to meet yours in perhaps something that would have been considered gentle and delicate in any other circumstance. It was warm… perhaps offering a small amount of comfort but you felt nothing. That desire never came, the kiss remaining empty. There was no tongue or teeth or even desperation for it to turn into anything more. It was just warm…

You knew he could feel it too… how your shared kiss was void of anything but pity, that it just didn’t feel right. That it was just an attempt at consolation and nothing more. It wasn’t on you and neither was it on him… the realisation mutual. That yes, you found each other attractive but without the guise of alcohol you weren’t attracted to one another for it to become anything more than just a fleeting comfort in a time where the universe was burning down around you both.

A moment of inhibition followed as you both broke apart. Your brows pinching as you tried to find an explanation… You swallowed thickly, voice timid, “I…hmm…I’m sorry…”

Their was a beat of hesitation before he responded, his own lips pulling into a tight line before hand, “Ain’t gotta apologise…”

“I know but…” You felt like you should…

“Lina,” a small snort escaped him, a small bemused smirk tugging to the corner of his lip as he peered toward you, “think we got bigger fish to fry right now…”

You bit down on your bottom lip, suppressing your own fighting urge to smirk at the ridiculousness of it all, “Yeah…”
———————————————————————

It had been seventy two hours since he was last in this room… Three whole days since he almost slept through his seven AM alarm to be awoken by the sweetest little voice that called out to him from the other side of the door. The voice that had become his favourite sound from the exact moment she spoke her very first word, the voice that he could still hear so vividly talking about how their lives could be so much better if he would just allow her to get a puppy. A voice that he’d never get to hear again. A voice that would eventually fade from his memory… to remember how cherished her words were but unable to recall exactly how she sounded.

He’d do just about anything to go back in time and buy her that damn puppy now…

It ate away at him, the regret. Its tendrils twining through his vessels and veins to grasp at and strangle his once warm heart, his hot blood replaced by an icy liquid concoction of deep guilt and self hatred. 

A penitence for all the times he opted to work late for a few extra dollars instead of coming home at a reasonable hour to cuddle up on the couch with an overly cheesy pizza and chick-flick playing in the background. He had told himself at the time that it was for her college fund, that he had to start saving early to ensure her with the best possible future… but none of that mattered now, did it? It was just hours wasted, hours that he could have spent doing what he enjoyed doing most… being her Dad.

He thought about her smile, her laughter and joy. How her cheeks would dimple and eyes would squint as she laughed at one of his god awful jokes. He remembered the camping trips, how she’d crawl into his sleeping bag as a youngster and snuggle into his front when the coyotes would begin to howl on a night. The terrible ghost stories told beside the flickering flame of a campfire as they charcoaled their s’mores beyond what was considered edible.

He allowed himself to pick a fond moment from each year of her life, to replay it within his mind in such great detail. To pretend that he was still there.

It was three days ago that he lost her and two days ago since he had made a silent vow to join her. A promise to never leave her alone. A pledge that he had already broken as his beating heart continued to pump warm blood through the blue veins of his still very much alive body. 

He was ready… so goddamn ready. There was no single part of him that wanted to be here. Not one morsel of his being that wanted to live a life where his little girl was no longer in it. Yet the universe appeared to believe that ending his life would be too easy of a way out for him… that death was no form of justice for a man negligent enough to allow his most precious possession to perish whilst within his care. A child failed by her own damn parent… No, what ever higher being it was that existed, it wanted to make him suffer. 

Instead, the cosmos sent you. A pretty punishment to follow him around and stop him at every opportunity. If it weren’t for you, it would have been over by now… he’d be back with Sarah. Tommy was too caught up in the moment to fully recognise the way in which his mind had deteriorated, how his want for life evaporated within a split second… or at least he had been until you so blatantly pointed it out to him. Now his little brother watched his every movement… checked for any damn sign that he might make an attempt again.

And he wanted to… he wanted nothing more than to close his eyes and never see the light of another day but he’d already tried… and failed… just like he had failed Sarah… and he too then began to believe the notion that he didn’t deserve the easy way out. That perhaps Sarah would do better in the afterlife without him.

A small part of him quietly admired your sheer determination in that moment. He sure as hell wouldn’t have fought so hard to save the life of a stranger that was so sure about leaving…

He allowed himself this last moment of weakness. Told himself to get all of the tears and excruciatingly bittersweet memories out of his system now because this… this would be the last time he’d do so. If he wasn’t going to be blessed with a quick way out, then he’d need to find another way to continue on and he couldn’t never do such a thing whilst carrying the image of that little girl around in the forefront of his mind.

Joel reached for the framed photo that resided on his bed side. The muscles in his face going slack as he absorbed the treasured image. That beaming thousand-watt smile stretching across her face as she held her well earned trophy so triumphantly and he was oh so proud of her… his pride and joy and he could remember that very moment so well. Could still feel the Texan sun beating down on the back of his neck as he wrapped his arm around the shoulder of only life that ever truly mattered to him. His love for his baby girl so evident in his own face… an emotion staring back at him that he was already struggling to recognise. 

He heaved a sob, a lone tear spilling over his lash line and trickling down to drip from his jaw. The salted droplet falling to splash right onto her face, the translucent liquid stilling over the her face and contorting the image staring back at him. It misshaping her features until she was no longer recognisable. 

The anguish then bubbled into a rage. That even now the world around him was trying to ruin this last moment he wanted to grant himself with to mourn her and he realised then, that this would just continue to happen. The sudden peak of his temper had him ready to hurl the photo into the wall but as quick as it rose up, it simmered back down. His anger and fury continuing to fizzle out until he was left with nothing… until he was left vacant and empty. 

His hands fell loose at his sides as he stood, his fingers releasing the frame as it dropped face down onto the hard wood boards. It’s glass shattering and spraying across the floor around. He couldn’t take her with him…  She had to stay here. 

With a hardened face he left the room. Leaving his heart and love shattered across the floorboards of his bedroom alongside the memory of his late daughter.

Chapter Text

Perhaps awkward was a harsh way to describe the way you felt. The forced smile, the stiffness of your limbs and how much eye contact was too much when he spoke? Okay… maybe awkward was exactly the only way to describe it and he just wouldn’t shut up.

Tommy had told you not to apologise, that there were more important concerns at bay but then why currently, in that moment, did you want a sink hole to open up beneath you and swallow you whole? 

What made you even think to kiss him in the first place? It was hardly the most appropriate time or place. Perhaps you hoped for an escape for a few seconds… to recreate that little solitude heated bubble you had both been in during the hours before the outbreak truly took hold. To mirror the way he had, at the time, emptied your brain of every thought whilst his hands and lips were on you. You wanted him to be a distraction from your own thoughts, is what you concluded and you were so sure that it would work.

He’d proved himself to be kind and comforting… in fact, apart from that one small passing moment when stood at the edge of the hospital window with Joel, Tommy had been your only form of relief since the entire world came crashing down… so why did it feel so wrong whilst sat side by side on this couch? Why when you thought of the word ‘comfort’, it was Joel’s pleading eyes searching yours as the biting chill of the early hour breeze nipped at your skin and not Tommy’s reassuring words and warm embrace?

Tommy kept talking and you knew he felt much the same. That he too had hoped that your shared kiss might have eased some of his own burdens instead of adding a new. A series of rambled questions rolling from his tongue with the only goal being to prevent what would otherwise become a thick and uncomfortable silence. So you grew up in Tennessee? Had you always lived in Memphis? What made you choose college in Austin? What were you studying again?

And then moving on to rattle off about growing up in Arlington. How there was a park down the road from where they lived and that on his twelfth birthday, Joel finally relented and let him have a ride on his dirt bike. That he crashed it into a tree and busted the front and he thought that his older brother was going to batter him then and there.

You forced a smile and nodded before he then moved onto his next story, something about an awful first date with some girl he knew from high school. You had zoned out, your skin still burning with embarrassment and mind too preoccupied with a thousand tension filled thoughts ranging from what just transpired, where your mother is right now and the unanswered question of what will happen next?

It was more than a relief to you when the sound of movement creaked from upstairs, heavy footsteps making their way across the landing and back down the stairs. You think it might have been the very first time you felt at ease whilst anticipating Joel’s appearance. Your lungs took a refreshing breath, thankful for that Tommy’s attention would be instantly redirected elsewhere and off of you.

Tommy’s gabbling ceased instantly and there was a new kind of heavy silence as Joel lingered in the archway. His eyes were reddened and skin ashen but whatever emotion had once spilled from him had been long pushed away. He looked empty now… drained of feeling and barely human.

You watched as his attention flicked between you and his brother, his teeth grinding together ever so slightly. In his hand was another back pack, much less garish than the one that sat on the table in front of you. He tossed it toward Tommy and took a step forward. His brows furrowing deeply as his focus fell on the weapons Tommy had confiscated and then onto the pink bag that sat so easily beside them. Something painful twisting behind his expression as if he had only just realised that it was there. His nostrils flared as his eyes darted back up to yours.

“You touch anythin’?” 

You could hear the accusation in his tone, how it bit at you all sharp and pointed. “No.”

He continued to rake his harsh glare over you, as if he were searching for any minuscule signs of deceit, any indication that you might possibly be lying. It was a far, far cry from the reassurance and support shown towards you just a few hours before… and again, you found yourself wondering if you had just dreamt that passing moment.

“She ain’t touched a thing, Joel.” Tommy interjected flatly.

Joel’s glower lingered on you a second longer, as if to ensure you understood the severity of his words- to make sure that you knew that he was watching your every move closely. With a sharp sniff and a grunt he then looked away, scratching nonchalantly at his throat whilst casting an eye around the room, “Reckon we should head north…”

“We find Mom first.” Tommy’s demand was firm, unmovable and you could tell from Joel’s expression that he was not on the same page. 

You sat quiet and small, sinking into the cushions.

“You really think that she’d survive this shit?” There was no comfort in the way Joel voiced it.

“I reckon she would have been at least three hours deep in sleep when it all kicked off with her windows n’ doors locked.” Again they stood in a deadlock, neither wanting to budge. Tommy continued after a beat, “Whatever grievances you had with her don’t fuckin’ matter right now, Joel. She’s still our Mom.”

“Grievances?” He scoffed, “She abandoned me when I needed her most!”

“You walked out, Joel!” Tommy shook his head, his voice settling a little, “You ran off to marry your pregnant smack-head of a girlfriend.”

“She wanted nothin’ to do with us…” You could see the hurt flicker within Joel’s eyes, how he refused to take them off Tommy, “Twelve years n’ she never even met her once.”

It didn’t take a psychologist to realise that the ‘her’ he was referring to was not his wife… or rather ex-wife, it would seem… 

“She wanted nothin’ to do with Rachel and you fought her at every damn turn. She never wanted you to leave- she knew from the very start that girl was no good for you.” 

Joel’s voice was low, as if he was trying to pin the lid down on his temper before it bubbled over, “I divorced Rachel seven goddamn years ago… Where was she from then? I wrote to her n’ all - she still didn’t want to know.”

Tommy choked an incredulous laugh, “Five years of nothin’ and the first contact she gets from you is a damn letter askin’ her for money… ya couldn’t even pick up the fuckin’ phone to ask. N’ I know she wrote back- she told me, but you never responded. Did you? Because she wouldn’t just give you the money… All you had to do was pick up the phone or drive over…”

You watched as the older brothers face pinched momentarily before it faded back out into that emotionless stoic manner. He didn’t respond.

“She still loves you, Joel… n’ she’s glad that you eventually got your shit together. Tells me all the damn time that she’d love to meet…” Tommy trailed off, stopping before he mentioned her name at catching the warning that exuded from Joel’s rigid demeanour. He wiped a palm down over his face and swallowed thickly, “We’ll go wherever you want… but we stop at Arlington first. I ain’t backin’ down.”

“Fine.” He was blunt and you wondered what was going on in his head as stared at an invisible spot across the room. Then with a small disbelieving shake of the head he turned on his heels and headed back out into the hallway, grumbling back at the pair of you, “Should stock up…Grab what you can from the kitchen.” He paused his step momentarily, still looking straight ahead, “upstairs is off limits.”

Tommy was quick to call out, “N’ where are you goin’?”

“Garage… gonna start loadin’ up the truck.” He didn’t wait long enough for his brother to respond, knowing exactly what was coming next, “I ain’t gonna top myself if that’s what you’re concerned about.”

———————————————————————

He needed the time to himself. These last few moments of solidarity before being forced into a tight confinement with his brother and some girl he still knew shit all about for hours on end- not that he had made any attempts whatsoever at trying to learn about you. He’d convinced himself still that you were just temporary, that you’d go your separate ways before long because why wouldn’t you? You didn’t owe each other anything…. You may have saved his wretched life but he sure as hell never asked you to. 

Joel tinkered around in the garage for longer than necessary, doing everything in his power to prolong having to go back inside. 

He made sure that the truck was as up together as possible. Checking the tire pressure, completing an oil change and topping up the fuel with the always full jerry can that he stored beneath the back shelf. Ensuring the spare wheel was loaded into the bed just in the events of a blow out and that his siphon was packed.

Along with the spare wheel, his old camping tent was thrown in as was a large water container that he had filled from the tap. He was sure he had a filtration system somewhere as well - in case they needed to transform it into drinking water.

He chewed on his lip, sucking at the back of his teeth before letting out a burdened breath. Perhaps it would feel easier once he was out of Austin… Out of Texas all together…

He had no fucking idea where they would head. North seemed like a good idea because… because it was colder? Fungus didn’t do well in the cold? Right? It was definitely one of those moments where he wished that he had paid attention in biology…

He sighed heavily, telling himself that he shouldn’t procrastinate this any longer. That he had to do what he promised himself earlier. He had to leave Sarah behind if he had any chance of continuing on…To let her go and then not let anyone else in… not whilst the world was still in such disarray, anyway. His entire focus now had to be solely on keeping both himself and Tommy alive… There was no room for anyone else. Not you- not even his own mother because if he ever did allow himself to care for anyone more then it would only open himself up to the risk of more loss. He’d just lost Sarah and was barely surviving… he certainly wouldn’t endure losing anyone else that had a home in his heart…and so he had to close that organ off. With the exception of his brother, his heart had to remain empty.

With a breath of encouragement he entered back into the house. The house that was apparently his home, although it no longer felt that way. The walls and rooms feeling foreign and failing to veil the absence of his little girl. 

Joel cleared his throat as he wandered into the kitchen, leaning back against the table whilst observing both you and Tommy ransack his cupboards.

“I know it ain’t much…but should last us a couple of days at least…” He said, chin bobbing towards the stack of cans on the counter.

You offered a tight smile, not really knowing what else to say.

“Two cans of baked beans, four cans of soup; two tomato, two chicken noodle… a tin of boiled potatoes, some peas, sweet corn…” Tommy’s face grimaced towards the vacuum packed fish, “I know you only had these as bait for fishin’ but sardines… two tins of tuna and a jar of pickled eggs.” He nodded to himself, “Think we’ll manage for about a week if we ration ourselves…”

“I found half a bag of rice in one of the top cupboards too… if we can boil it up somehow, it’ll offer some substance and make the cans go a long way…” You added timidly, packing the cans one at a time into the back pack that had been previously tossed at Tommy.

Joel bobbed his head, lips pulled into a line, “I’ve packed my old campin’ stuff. Got one of those portable stoves so yeah… we can do that…” he glanced up towards his fridge freezer, remembering that he had meal prepped earlier in the month ready for those nights he’d be working late.

He wandered over and crouched down, pulling open the door and tugging at the first drawer. There wasn’t much left but if the mains hadn’t yet been switched off, he could heat up the two frozen tubs of beef stew. Something warm and substantial to line their stomachs before leaving. “Tommy, can you check the microwave?”

He didn’t need to look around. The gentle hum of the appliance buzzing into his ear was confirmation enough that there was still some power coming through to the house. 

Straightening up, he shoved the two plastic tubs into its oven and set the timer for ten minutes. His voice a low mumble, “Should eat somethin’ before leavin’.”

The three of you waited about in silence, the only sound being the hum of the microwave and the rhythmic tick of the battery powered analog clock mounted upon the wall. 

He distracted his torturous thoughts with plans of routes… would the highway still be blocked? Likely… He could imagine most people would have abandoned their vehicles and left them there… He could attempt going through the city but he wasn’t entirely sure if he’d be able to suppress the flash backs at this moments- not whilst it was all still so raw. The only other route being to take the back roads and circle around. It was longer - something that deterred him from telling Tommy to go that way on Friday but currently, it was the most appealing option…

His planning was cut short by a not too distant booming sound rumbling in the atmosphere around them. His brows furrowed as he stood to attention, the three of you casting a wary glance between you.

He counted around twenty seconds before it sounded again, this time closer… louder, it’s shockwaves causing the walls of the house to tremor violently.

“What the hell…” Tommy muttered, his brows furrowing as he went to push away from the counter he leant back against.

Joel was quick to cut him off with a stern look, “Stay there.”

Before giving his brother a chance to respond, he marched out of the kitchen and thundered back up the stairs. It was the one room he hadn’t wanted to step foot in, the one area of the house that he wanted to keep sacred… but it was the only room that gave him a view of the city. 

He hesitated at the door, fingers wrapping around the knob whilst he sucked in a composing breath, mentally prohibiting himself from looking at anything other than the window.

Giving himself an encouraging nod he pushed the door open. With a focused scowl across his expression and his heart battering against his sternum, he strode for the pane of glass on the opposite side of the room. He ignored the pink walls, didn’t think about the posters and photos blue tacked above her bed, refused to glance over at the unmade sheets. He couldn’t allow himself to consider this room to be hers still… although it very much was. 

Joel remained strong, the toe of his boots touching the skirting board and giving him no room to catch a glimpse of anything else. He focused his sole attention onto the world outside.

His eyes scanned the horizon… there was nothing to note apart from two new thick plumes of sulphuric smoke billowing up into the sky. One appeared to coming from where the university campus was situated- not too far from the centre but the other…that was the neighbourhood just over the highway…Oakmont Heights… 

Joel’s vision narrowed as he watched the inky fumes swirl up into the sky to create a dense consuming smog. A gas leak perhaps? Maybe… although two in the space of twenty seconds seemed unlikely. He studied the horizon intensely, the quiet deafening.

The soundlessness was soon disrupted by the roaring rattle of a low flying jet, the walls surrounding him vibrating and chattering with the close proximity of its engine. He followed its line of flight, watching as it soared across into the direction of the city… but then he spotted something.

His eyes squinted into focused slits as he noted how the aircraft released some kind of object just above where the local assisted living centre was situated, less than two thousand feet away from where he was currently stood and he observed it fall. The event not clicking into place within his mind until the glare of the late summer sun caused its apparent metallic surface to glint.

The muscles within his face slackened and his stomach dropped as he watched the large shell make impact with the once innocent building, its structure exploding into a burst of fluorescent flames with another wall shuddering blast.

Joel swallowed thickly, slowly backing away from the window pane. His mind blundering into a panic as he pieced it all together… what the nurse had really meant when she had said they were clearing as many infected as physically possible. That they likely planned to obliterate the entirety of the city outside of what was cordoned off as the quarantine zone.

He rushed out of the room, switching his demeanour from fight to flight. All unwanted thoughts of his daughter buried by the sudden and urgent need to escape.

Storming back into his own room, he tore through his wardrobe, grabbing for a few additional flannels that him and Tommy could share as well as a few sets of clean underwear for the days ahead.

His voice, all distressed and fearful bellowed out as he thundered down the stairs, “We’re leavin’! Now!”

———————————————————————

You heard the third explosion, felt its shockwaves rumble through your dense bones. Your breath being held within your throat and your entire body tingled uncomfortably. Something was happening… something that was once again out of your control. You just weren’t entirely sure what it was yet. 

The timer on microwave sounded. A persistent pitched beep that could have been mistaken for some kind of alarm with its uncanny timing.

Tommy’s face had paled when you glanced up towards him, his fists white knuckling the counters edge. As if he had seen a ghost. As if he knew something…

His voice was just as disconcerted as his demeanour when he did eventually speak up, only getting half a shaky sentence out before his voice was drowned out by his brothers gruff yell, “I…I recog-“

“We’re leavin’! Now!”

The sound of Joel’s boots beat down the stairs, the thumps reverberating through the structure of the house.

There was a faint note of hysteria behind those wide eyes as he rounded the corner. His shoulders heaving and blooming with distress. 

You found yourself momentarily rigid, your muscles trying to jitter as if to tell you to run but the codes of communication not quite meeting the rest of your body as you remained stood there still stationary.

He was frantic, pulling items from off the counter tops. Items that both you and Tommy were in the process of still packing, his limbs trembling in the process. You noticed how Tommy hadn’t questioned his sudden fear, himself jumping into an urgent action.

The blasts of distant explosions continued to rumble all around, the noise muffled to your ears- gagged by the slow dragging beat of your heart.

Your panting breaths and the same warmth of those calloused hands firm on your shoulders once more bringing you back in tune with your surroundings. 

It was all fear, being beaten down by a forced strength that stared back at you. Pupils blown wide and round and surrounded by the red tinge of prominent blood vessels. 

It wasn’t comfort that bled from his lips, nor was it the same breath of support that he breathed when holding onto the weight of your body as it dangled from that shattered window. But it was authoritative. 

Thick, gruff and complete with a crucial urgency and the frightened little girl within you absorbed it so easily. Bobbing your head frantically at the demand being shouted at you. You needed that help… that voice to direct you and push you when your limbs were weary and traumatised mind exhausted.

“Selina! Get in the fuckin’ truck! Now!” 

Joel’s grip stayed clutched around your shoulders for a moment longer, dragging you a step forward by the material of your shirt to force your movements.

It was just one step before he then let go completely, continuing his panicked rush for some kind of order.

You swallowed thickly, your eyes following him for just a second longer. Tommys movements brushing past you and bringing you back to the moment.

Maybe it shouldn’t have been on the forefront of your mind, that perhaps you should have done exactly what was asked of you and wait in the truck so that you were out of the way- one less body to be concerned about in this present minute- but instead you hurried towards the microwave. 

You only had limited resources to survive on.  It seemed silly to waste a perfectly good meal and Joel was right… They should fill their stomachs before embarking on whatever journey was to come next. 

Tucking the tubs beneath your underarm, you scurried over to where Tommy already had the side door into the garage open. His body holding the partition open whilst his arm outstretched toward you, fingers wiggling to hurry your steps along.

You admittedly weren’t looking where you were going, the rattle of the walls and tremors of the ground sending your psyche into chaos. Your body thumping straight into an immovable barrier.

Joel’s figure was impliable. A wall in its own right as he blocked your movements around him with one outstretched stiffened arm. The sound of the door clicked shut behind you and you could feel the breeze of fresh air cooling your adrenaline sheened skin from the open front of the garage. The remnant fumes of dry soot and sulphur wafting into your senses. 

You could feel Tommy stop dead behind you and without even glancing back you could sense the unease radiating from him. Leaning your body to the left, you tried to peer around the eldest brother, tried to gain sight of whatever it was that had caused them both to forget their need to flee. 

It ambled into your shelter. Its movements slow and jerky as it sniffed at the air. As if it was trying to pick out the scent of your untainted blood from the destruction and smouldering wreck of the world around. Trying to locate its next victim- it’s next feast.

Your attention zero’d in on its details. Something about it…her… seeming much less human that the boy you slaughtered days ago. Its skin mottled and greying, thick prominent tendrils threading thickly beneath the surface. Its eyes yellowed with jaundice and pupils clouded over to conceal whatever humanity had been once left behind. It quietly croaked and snarled as it approached the truck, its neck twitching as it scanned the vehicle’s perimeter.

“Tommy… pass me a gun…” Joel’s voice was low. A forced steadiness as he reached an arm back to his brother, eyes not leaving the creature in front of them.

“I can’t…” Tommy’s response came as a shaken whisper, “I already packed ‘em in the truck…”

Their conversation was hushed, so quiet that even you could only just about hear the words being passed between them. However, no matter how muted you all believed that you were, the rippling vibrations formed within each of their throats was enough to draw the attention of the infected ahead.

It’s blood soaked head jerked to attention, its movements strained and broken as its mouth opened and expelled a shrill shriek.

Joel instantly began to back up, his body forcing you back into Tommy. The three of you futilely attempting to put as much distance between you and the mutilated infected that was determined to reach and devour you.

“Tommy, open the door. Open the goddamn door! Now!”

You could hear the handle jiggling but the lock not clicking, Tommy’s unnerved grunts as he forced his entire weight onto the partition and Joels continuously increasing pressure to get it open.

Boom.

You gasped, the incoming shockwave manoeuvred your body back with such ease. A small whine cried from your lips as your spine hit the concrete floor with some force and you sucked in a rubbery lungful of thick smoke.

Your eyes split wide and your ears rang loud. The shock from the blast all consuming as you watched the truck windows shatter and a flurry of debris fly in over head.

It was all over within seconds. Your surroundings plunged back into an eery silence as the orange tinged smog slowly began dissipate around you. You found yourself once again unable to move, paralysed in place as your chest hyperventilated. Your body slowly realising what it’s limits were and crumbling beneath the ever increasing weight.

Your tinnitus gradually began to ease and in your next breath, Tommy was bent over your sprawled out form. His hands gripped beneath your arms and he gently hauled you up onto your feet. 

Everything felt surreal, your mind so disoriented and clouded by the impact of the explosion that you found yourself unable to hold your own weight. Your body collapsing into Tommy’s hold as he tried to walk you forward.

Your throat felt dry and chest constricted painfully tight, your lungs wheezing for clean oxygen as you moved.

“T-Tommy… J-Joel?” Your voice croaked, only being able to form those two broken words rather than an audible complete sentence and your dazed head in no condition to properly absorb in your current surroundings.

“It’s okay. We’re all alright. Joel’s tryna get the engine started,” he soothed gently, “C’mon, gonna get you into the back.”

You nodded weakly, too tired to think and allowing Tommy to take over your decisions and movements.

Just as he adjusted his supportive hold on you, his body shifting around and giving you a new field of sight, your eyes caught vision of what was once your threat mere minutes ago.

Its snarls, shrieks and venomous bite now neutralised into a heap of lifeless limbs. The back of its neck severed by a large shard of serrated fibreglass and a long metallic rod implanted into its skull…

There was no fight left in you as Tommy crouched down to scoop up your legs, placing you laid down into the cushioned back seats of Joel’s truck. A small strained whimper escaped from you as your sore muscles pulled tight before relaxing once more. 

“You’re all good Lina, just hit your head on the way down. Just relax, now.” He continued to soothe, “Me n’ Joel, we’re just up front…”

You allowed your eyes to flutter shut with another meek bob of your head, your brain throbbing against the sides of your skull. There was only a second before the door clicked shut, followed by the passenger side slamming as Tommy climbed in.

Then the vibration of the engine came to life, trembling through the fabric of the car seat beneath you and providing a comforting solace. You counted between breaths, in 1…2…3 out 1…2…3, until your heart rate slowed back to something aligning with what you deemed as normal and at that point your being gave into it’s undeniable exhaustion.

The gentle hum of the vehicles mechanics lifting the heavy weight of your mind and allowing a sedative darkness to creep in and pull you under.

———————————————————————

Arlington: 29th September 2003

It was evening by the time Joel drove you through the borders of Arlington, it’s welcome sign passing by to the right of you. The imminent destruction of Austin driving him out towards Hudson Bend before then rerouting up and adding a couple of extra hours to the usual three hour trip. 

The bright orange and red hues once again dampening down into a vast sea of purples and serene blue. Even during the end of the world, there would never not be a point in time where a sun set wouldn’t be pretty.

You had stirred back to consciousness about half way through the journey. Your head throbbing persistently and as you cupped your palm over where it pulsed, a pain radiated across your temple causing you to hiss aloud. You sighed heavily before looking up, accepting that your skin was likely an unsightly concoction of deep purple and red. Tommy was passed out, head against the one remaining window of the car… he looked peaceful- like his body truly needed the unconscious escape that only sleep could offer. He deserved it, you were sure of that after days of keeping his brother on the right side of the fine line between life and death and then also ensuring that you weren’t about to fall apart too… You caught Joel in the rear view mirror, his dark eyes scanning over you.

The scowl settled upon his expression had become second nature by this point. It only ever lifting for brief passing seconds at a time before it returned into place. You’d decided to not read into it, wondering if he even knew that his face came across so harshly.

He didn’t say anything. His eyes darting back onto the road ahead as you caught his stare.

Shifting in your seat, you winced and blinked the remaining sleep from your eyes. You found your focus settling onto Joel once more… using the quiet time just to take him in. How the tufts of dark hair on the back of his head curled slightly at the back of his neck, the way you could see his muscles move and ripple beneath his shirt as he rotated the wheel. He wasn’t as much of a pretty boy as Tommy was, not as well groomed- not that pretty boys were particularly your type anyway… but there was still something about him… a rugged kind of handsome that you were more than happy in the current moment to ogle at.

You hadn’t realised his attention glancing back at you again, his tone sharp as it pulled you away from your stupor.

“What?”

You felt the heat creeping up your neck, the embarrassment of being caught. How long had you been staring… how long ago did he catch you doing it? “N-nothing…”

He grunted, casting an eye over Tommy before turning his attention back ahead.

Grinding your teeth you chewed back your fluster and cleared your throat, “Thank you… for… uh… getting us all out back there… sorry about…” You pointed at your head.

Joel shrugged, this time not dragging his eyes away from the road and not saying anything more.

You had no real recollection of what happened after that infected wandered into the garage and even everything before was a little hazy. The rushing about and loud rumbles came with little explanation as the two brothers switched into some kind of survival mode- all whilst you just crashed.

Your brows knitted as you tried your hardest to piece it all together but came to no conclusion. Your mouth opened once more to put the question to the room… even if only one person was there to involuntarily listen, “What happened? I mean… with all of it… what exploded? Why did we have to leave so suddenly?”

His gaze did shift then, and you could tell he was focusing on the great blooming bruise bleeding out from the edge of your hairline just by the way he swallowed, “Remember that nurse tellin’ us that they were clearin’ out as many infected as possible?” 

You nodded.

“Yeah well, what she failed to mention was that they planned on blitzing the city in order to do so…”

You gulped back the solid lump that formed within your throat, your voice turning timid, “They bombed Austin?”

Something akin to sadness momentarily passed his expression as his brows pinched and stare dropped, “Looked like they were targeting everythin’ apart from what they fenced off as the zone… one dropped just at the bottom of the street…”

You fell back into a contemplative silence as you absorbed that information… that there was a good chance that all evidence of your time in Austin had now been destroyed- as if you had never even stepped foot there in the first place. Your apartment… Your place of work… Your school… Your friends… maybe even the small hospital on the other side of town that you did your placement in. All of it likely gone…

Forcing yourself away from those desolated thoughts you sniffled. You could see the dark circles, so heavy and cumbersome weighting down his eyes and how his fingers kept pinching into the corners of his eyes to relieve the stress and urge to fall asleep.

“I have a license…we can swap if you’d like?”

“You’re not drivin’ with concussion. I’d like to get to Arlington in one piece…”

“Joel, you’ve not stopped in days. You need to rest.”

"M’ fine.” He snapped.

Silence took over after that and remained that way until the truck pulled into a small neighbourhood named South Wing.

You observed Tommy as he glanced around, something that screamed nostalgia glistened within his eye and it pulled a small smile to your lips.

“This where you both grew up?”

He chuckled lightly, seemingly elated that the majority of the homes and parks remained in one piece. A spark of hope igniting within him, “Yup.”

You watched as he looked around to you, gesturing towards a large open playing field as you passed by, “We used to have these big neighbourhood games of soccer there. I can always remember that this one time, I had the ball and I was about to give it my all. Like, that ball was goin’ into that damn net. I was so sure…and then,” he gestured towards Joel, “this jackass fuckin’ jumped up and headed it so it missed.”

“Was a shit kick.” Joel grunted.

“We were on the same damn team ya dick! It would’ve went in!” 

And for the first time in your brief history of knowing him, you saw the subtle tug of Joel’s lip curl up into an almost unnoticeable bemused smirk. 

———————————————————————

The truck pulled up into a relatively spacious driveway and the rhythmic hum of the engine switched to silence. You glanced out of your window, noting that a blue civic was the only other vehicle to claim the space.

Tommy was quick to jump out, hurrying around to open the back door beside you to retrieve the shotgun placed in the footwell. 

He gave you a quick once over as you unbuckled your seatbelt, “That was quite a nasty hit to the head… you feelin’ okay?”

You nodded, giving a small smile as a thanks for his concern, “Bit sore but nothing I can’t handle.”

Bobbing his head, he chewed on the inside of his cheek cagily. You arched your brow, pressing him to go on.

“Listen…” He said and you could feel a small weight being pressed into your lap, “Hopefully, we don’t gotta use it but I don’t trust Joel with it… not at the moment at least…”

You glanced down at the pistol resting on your thighs, picking it up within your hands and giving it a quick study. You’d only ever shot a gun once… and it was a basic air rifle at a shooting range that one of your Mom’s ex’s had taken you to for a ‘bonding’ day… “Is it already loaded?”

“Yeah…all you gotta do is flick the safety off, aim n’ shoot. That okay?”

You nodded, climbing out of the truck yourself and stuffing the weapon into the back pocket of your jeans.

Joel was quick to join the three of you, his chin all too quickly jutting towards the shotgun slung over Tommy’s shoulder, “That’s mine.”

“I know.”

“Where’s my revolver?”

“Lina has it.”

He glanced at you blankly before shifting his attention back onto Tommy, and you could sense the irritation beginning to radiate off of him, “and why does she have it?”

Tommy’s face fell flat, a severity within his tone as if to prove to his brother that he wasn’t pissing about, “because I don’t trust you with it.”

“You don’t trust me with it?” Joel scoffed, “My own fuckin’ gun.”

The younger brother had him in a stalemate. Unmoving. Unwilling to back down. “You tried to blow your own fuckin’ head off with mine just two damn days ago so no, I don’t trust you with your own fuckin’ gun.” 

The agitation that was just bubbling up within Joel appeared to simmer down, his brows furrowing as his focus dropped vacantly to the ground.

You brushed your hand comfortingly across his upper arm as you walked past him to follow Tommy, his muscles flinching away from your touch as soon as you made contact.

Tommy’s sternness was gone in an instant as he tried the door and was relieved that it was in fact locked. He sucked in a breath, his features somewhat bright, “Man, I ain’t seen her in a few months…” he glanced up to Joel at that point, “Don’t look so worried, big brother! She’s gonna be thrilled to see ya!”

Joel’s head dipped between his shoulders once more with a small shake. You couldn’t help but feel for him… A man that hadn’t seen his mother in years… A woman who would have likely expected him to show up alongside a child that bore a small resemblance to her. You could anticipate the questions that were bound to follow… Where is she? What happened? And perhaps some that were more painful and intimate to their currently strained relationship.

You could see Tommy’s face drop, a sudden realisation as he stepped back away from the front door, “I know this is hard for you…”

“Nah… I don’t think you do, Tommy…” He responded.

“She’ll understand, Y’know. And I get that it’s raw at the moment… for me n’ especially for you but I’m happy t’have that conversation with her…” You could hear how Tommy was trying his hardest to ease the situation but from the look in Joel’s eye, you would have thought his younger sibling had just cursed the bible.

“Like hell you will!”

“She’s gonna ask about S-“

“Don’t you dare say her fuckin’ name! You ain’t tellin’ anyone shit, you understand?”

“So what’s gonna happen when she inevitably asks, huh?”

“I’ll tell her that it’s none of her damn business. She wasn’t apart of our lives! She has no right to know anythin’!” Joel was seething, his chest heaved and you could see the torment that smouldered behind his stoney glare, “Let’s get one thing straight.”

“What’s that, then?”

“Her name, don’t get mentioned. Ever. You don’t talk about her… shit, you don’t even think about her. We clear?” He was unwavering, his stare boring fiercely into his little brother.

You could see Tommy brush off his stance, backing down as to not pick a fight. His tone much more gentle than it had been, “Joel…”

“I mean it, Tommy.” He swallowed, fists clenched into balls at his sides, “You don’t get a say in this. Now, are we clear?”

Tommy wetted his lips before swallowing thickly, “Yeah… sure.”

———————————————————————

The house was plunged into darkness as Tommy shoved open the front door. The hallway concealed by dark shadows as the last of the sun sunk beneath the line of the horizon.

You didn’t want to mention anything as you followed behind Tommy, not knowing anything much about this women and not wanting to cause any offence but the smell of foust was inescapable. It curled into your nose and imbedded itself within your nostrils, all musty and damp.

Sparing Joel a final glance, you checked over your shoulder to spot him leaning back against the truck, arms folded and staring vacantly at the paving. The pair of you respecting his choice to remain waiting outside rather than deal with the discomfort that still lingered from the brothers most recent altercation.

There was something about the darkness that felt ominous, sinister even, as you ventured further into the home. A sense that was apparently shared as Tommy nudged you towards the light switch on your left.

“Lina, can you try flickin’ the light?” He asked lowly, the nose of his shotgun hovering just above the floor.

“Sure…” You pressed the top of the button, hearing it click and switch but then nothing followed. The hallway remaining shrouded in almost total darkness.

He let out a shaky puff of air, wiping the back of his hand across his forehead, “Mains must have gone out…”

Tommy continued to move cautiously to the furthest point of the hall, stopping behind the door that stood closed. He hesitated, staring down at the knob where his fingers curled around the ball before peering back at you.

The unease was contagious, your heart beginning to flutter uncomfortably as you offered him what was supposed to be a nod of encouragement but it felt shaky and weak. 

You prayed that your nerves were just as a result of the past few days. It would be stupid to believe that the level of trauma that you each experienced wouldn’t leave you with any long lasting effects. You just hoped that whoever Momma Miller was, that she was sat quietly somewhere within this too large house scared to make a sound in case it would lead to her demise.

The door creaked open to reveal a spacey living area. A brown leather three seater couch was pressed back against the magnolia wall with a red shaggy rug in front and matching armchair to the left. Again, the room was doused in complete darkness. The only source of light being the dim glow of the still rising moon seeping in from the large French doors fitted on the right hand side of the room and stood just in front, staring out was the silhouette of a woman.

She was tiny compared to what you had envisioned inside your head, considering both her son’s had to be on the right side of six foot- she was considerably shorter than you. 

Still, something didn’t sit right. You narrowed your eyes as you watched her, the woman’s head not even perking up at the sound of steps approaching. Her seeming completely entranced by whatever it was that she was staring at on the outside… and the smell, it was pungent, even more so within this room than in the hallway. All earthy, moist and stale.

Tommy warily edged forward towards her, “Mom?…Mom, it’s me, Tommy…”

There was nothing. No movement. No response. Nothing.

He continued, taking one more step so that he stood in the centre of the room, leaving you lingering in the arch way. 

“I got Joel with me too… can you believe that? He’s just out front waitin’ with the truck… we’re gonna head north- try n’ find somewhere away from all this nonsense…”

You felt your stomach twist as you spotted the woman’s shoulder twitch and jerk despite still not turning around. 

Your voice was a sensitive warning as you gripped the magazine of your gun and pulled it from your back pocket, “Tommy…”

It all happened so suddenly after that. Your foreign voice calling out being the cause of a string of events that took place just seconds after that point. 

There wasn’t even a moment to think as you watched on in horror. She jolted violently, unnaturally from her prior dormant state at the window to jerk around and face her youngest son but instead of showing love or relief, her expression was void of any human emotion.

Her eyes bulged, and the prominent outline of thick dark veins twisted and twined up her neck, spreading across her jaw and cheeks. You were left helpless as you watched her lunge towards him, limbs flailing and these what could only be described as animalistic screeches ripping from within her throat as she tackled him to the ground.

You shrieked out at the top of your lungs in an attempt to warn him but it was too late as her spindly fingers grabbed and ripped at his shirt.

“TOMMY!”

The room suddenly felt baltic, the blood draining from your body as panicked icy chills tore down your spine. Tommy’s conflicted sobs haunted your ears and churned your stomach as he used his shot gun as a barrier between her teeth and the soft flesh of his throat whilst pleading with the remaining shell of his mother to recognise him.

“Mom…please… it’s me… it’s me… please…”

The breath in your own lungs caught, your own tears beginning to spill as you raised the pistol and took aim. You felt physically sick. Your entire arm trembled beneath your struggling whimpers and you knew that you had to pull yourself together. That you had to do this. That it was her or Tommy… her or you… That the woman, the mother this person used to be was long gone. That all that was left was a rotting, decaying shell. A shell that was host to a violent and deadly parasite that was determined to imbed itself within your friend.

You scrunched your eyes closed and tried to squeeze the trigger. Your finger forcing down as hard as you physically could but it wouldn’t budge.

Pained and frightened grunts escaped from your throat alongside a series of distressed whimpers as you continued to urgently fumble with the unfamiliar firearm within your grasps. 

You tried and tried to no avail, the bullet just not releasing from its chamber all whilst Tommy’s strains and sobs sung louder into your ears with each passing second.

You cried out in one last ditch attempt, “Kill her, Tommy! You need to-“

His voice came out all wet and lamented and you felt your already broken heart shatter that little bit more, “I-I can’t! I… I can’t do that!” 

Joel’s presence behind you hadn’t even been acknowledged, your senses too consumed by the gut wrenching scene ahead of you as he reached over your shoulder and ripped his revolver from your clutches.

It was all over within less than three seconds as he pulled his arm up in line with his mothers head, flicked what appeared to be some kind of latch and then sent a bullet into her skull.

The ring of the shot ingrained itself within your brain and you gagged as you watched her limp body blow back across the living room floor with a splatter of gore.

There wasn’t even the time for your mind to process what had just happened before Joel’s fingers were clutched around your upper arm and dragging you harshly around to face him. 

He looked feral, unhinged as he forcefully rammed the gun back into your stomach. His words growling cruelly as his expression twisted, “Dumb fuckin’ b-“ he stopped himself, his entire body still quaking with a mixture of adrenaline, fear and anger, “You remove the goddamn safety before you fuckin’ shoot!”

“I-I…I’m sorry…I…” Your trembling, shaky words were cut off by the sound of Tommy’s broken anguished voice.

Both of your heads snapped around. Tommy hovered over his mothers corpse, his jittering fingers tracing over the ashy grey skin of her cheeks and even in the dim light of the evening, you could see the increasing pool of obsidian liquid spilling from the back of her skull. 

“M-m-mom… oh fuck, mom… mom… I’m so sorry mom… please-please… oh fuck… oh fuck…”

Joel spared you one last glare before rushing to his brothers side.

“Tommo, look at me. Look at me, baby brother…”

Tommys entire figure quaked as his sobs continued to heave, his tears dripping down onto the material of her clothes as he refused to look up. Joel went to crouch down, hesitating before attempting to place a comforting hand to his brothers back.

It was an interaction that was instantly rejected. You hadn’t seen Tommy truly blow up before, always the more rational of the two and you truly hadn’t expected it as he so suddenly shrugged his brothers touch away before hauling his full weight at him, sending Joel staggering backwards.

“Don’t fuckin’ touch me! Stay the fuck away!”

Joel’s face slackened, the hurt and pain expressed so visibly in his features that for a moment you struggled to recognise him. His voice was gentle, so gentle, “Tommy… please…”

Tommy continued to shove at him, over and over with his expression twisted with rage and grief, “You fuckin’ killed her, Joel! You murdered my mom! You fuckin’…”

He went to swing once more but his sloppy aim was caught by the wrist as Joel held onto him firmly. 

Swallowing thickly his eyes hardened, his tone still careful but not as soft as before, trying to hold some authority over the situation, “That wasn’t her, Tommy. That wasn’t our Mom. That… that was one of those things.”

You could see Tommy crumbling, his mind disintegrating at trying to comprehend what he had just been witness to. 

Joel continued, loosening his grip ever so slightly, “It was either you or her, Tommy… and I’m always choosin’ you. It was too late for her… there was nothin’ that either of us could’ve done.”

“He's right…” you stepped in, sensing Tommy’s remaining uncertainty. You’d been in his shoes just three days ago as you abandoned your best friend on that shop floor and although Joel was none the wiser to your understanding of him, you knew that he too had been subjected to this same kind of anguish in recent days, “she was already gone…and I’m so, so sorry.”

All his fight evaporated as the anguish took over and left him boneless, his body collapsing down for Joel to catch him and heave his weight back up.

You caught Joel’s eye whilst you joined Tommy’s other side, all previous detest, fury and resentment for you faded to be replaced by a gentle nod of gratitude as you helped support the weight of his brother.

———————————————————————

The pair of your worked together to manoeuvre Tommy into the back seat of the truck. His entire being so consumed by grief and shock that he had no physical control over his own limbs. 

Joel slammed the door shut before going to resume his spot in the drivers side. There was no way in hell that you could simply let him drive after this- after he just had to blow a hole in his own mothers head, regardless of how strained their relationship had been- and so you grabbed for his hand.

He went to pull away, eyes hardening as you simply strengthened your grip around him, the softness of your tender skin warming the callouses on his. 

You could see it in his eyes, how it was all becoming far too much. The loss of his child, home, mother and now perhaps his own brother in some sense… He was losing himself in the process and it was exhausting… excruciating. His skin was pastey and eyes heavy and you couldn’t stop yourself from laying your other palm over his stubbled cheek.

“Joel…” You said gently and you fully expected him to fight you, to shove you off or at least flinch away from your touch but he didn’t. Instead, with his brows still drawn together, he closed his eyes and relaxed into your palm, “you’ve been through so much and you’ve not stopped. You need to rest. Please, let me drive.”

You both remained that way for a lingering amount of time. With his hand still encased by your own, your fingers tangled with one another- locked together as one and your palm still cupping his cheek. You allowed him, for the first time, to take this moment of intimate comfort from you…

Chapter Text

The days that followed were strained at best. A dense gloom that hung and lingered, looming both over and inside the cavity of the truck.

You and Joel took it in turns to drive whilst Tommy remained almost despondent in the back. His eyes were hollowed and face gaunt, all the charm and hopefulness that he once exuded left behind in the living room of his mothers house. It likely lying there being absorbed by the floor boards, right beside her decaying corpse. He barely spoke… only ever ate when Joel forced him to and mostly rested with his eyes closed- you never were quite sure if he was actually sleeping or not.

With your only warm option for comfort seemingly vacant, you found yourself left with his brother. Joel didn’t speak too much about what he had to do in Arlington… He didn’t say anything at all, actually. You had expected him to continue on with his degradation of you. To blame you, to remind you of how much he didn’t want you here but it never came. 

If you weren’t so observant, and if it weren’t for Tommys desolation in the back seat, one would have perhaps thought that no such thing had taken place. However, you were observant. Very much so… because what else was there to do whilst sat in the passenger side for hours on end? You paid attention to every feature on his face and each minor movement made by his body. How despite the scowl across his brow being an almost permanent fixture, that every once in a while his eyes would glaze over and then how after a few moments, he’d rapidly blink it away. How his shoulders were rigid, arms tense and jaw would clench with each shift of the stick.

You tried to ask him the day after you fled Arlington. Just quietly, during the one occasion that you were sure that Tommy was actually sleeping. It was a futile endeavour, one that concluded with no result. A stern ‘no’ with a firm shake of the head before setting his focus back on the road. It wasn’t up for discussion.

Day after day the three of you drove aimlessly, with no real destination in mind. Where was there to go, after all? The world had burned to dust. Just destruction upon destruction…There was no escape. There was no place to go.

It became evident fairly quickly that it hadn’t just been Austin that was hit by air strikes…It had been on the second day when Joel, whilst half asleep, had swerved last minute to avoid the large crumbling crater situated in the centre of what was once the main route into Oklahoma City. The jolt of the vehicle instantly jerking the three of you back to awareness as your eyes all scanned the ruination that surrounded. Not one word had been spoken between you.

Another thing that became apparent was that your calculations on rationing were very far off… that or the three of you just weren’t very good at denying yourselves. You had managed four days before your food had run out and the water dwindled. As much as you all had planned to avoid any run ins with what was once deemed as civilisation, you weren’t left with much of a choice.

You avoided big shopping markets to begin with. Unsure to if they would be brimming with infected and so you started smaller. The little run down shops at gas stations, or the ones on the corners of local high-streets. You had relatively good luck on your first few ‘shopping trips’. With the shelves still fairly well stocked, you were able to collect enough cans and non perishables to last for about a week at a time. 

After agreeing that it would be best if Tommy waited with the truck due to his current state of mind, you and Joel both found a rhythm that worked well. Of course, after your blunder in Arlington, it became very evident that you did not know your way around a firearm and so with a small amount of concerned reluctance, you did allow for Joel to have his gun back. Not that he gave you much of a choice, anyway.

It was simple, your process. You were nimble, and whilst perhaps still being deemed as pretty helpless by your companion, you were quick. So whilst he would keep watch and clear you a safe path, you’d dart in and empty the remaining contents of the shelf into your bag. There was little in terms of pleasantries and discussion but you both made a good team- at least you confidently thought you did. Efficient… yeah, you were both efficient.

It was almost alarming at how quickly gunning down infected became so routine. At how easy it had become to separate them from the human that they once were. ‘Puttin’ them outta their misery’ Joel had once grumbled, a line that you then quoted back to yourself each and every time he’d land a bullet into one of their skulls. 

You began to call them runners in time… with the way they’d try and sprint towards you with all their limbs flailing. You preferred that term rather than ‘the sick’ or ‘infected’. It made them appear in your mind as sinister creatures in their own right instead of unfortunate souls who lost their battle with a control hungry disease.

Tommy improved over the course of a month. Something you were beyond glad to see, after being concerned for a small while that he’d try and give himself the same fate that his older brother had attempted. He perked up a little, began to talk that bit more and every once in a while he’d crack a small joke- something that not only drew a smile from your own face but also, if you glanced quickly enough, Joel’s too. He never once tried to blame Joel again… perhaps now that the fog had lifted a little, Tommy could see more clearly. That it was too late. That there was nothing more that could have been done for her. Still, nobody dared talk about Mrs Miller and what happened that evening…

Your stroke of good fortune did eventually run out. With your supplies once again dwindling and the shelves of the smaller stores mostly picked bare by an array of like minded individuals who’d emerged from hiding after over a month of confining themselves within their homes. It wasn’t just your resources running low… it was everyone’s. 

You were left with no other choice but to venture out and into those bigger stores. The ones with an abundance of shelves and big storage halls out back, all stocked up with what you all needed so desperately to survive.

It was no longer just the infected that you were concerned about… they were just one obstacle of many in the more populated areas, another potential threat that gradually came to mind was people. Other people. You’d seen how people had reacted in times where there had been temporary shortages. Hair being ripped out over toilet paper. Nails being used to gouge into skin over a carton of milk… It was insane, even back then. What on earth would it be like now? When these shortages didn’t appear to be so temporary…

You made your move during the dead of night. Tommy had the truck parked just around the side of the Costco, it’s headlights muted and the engine killed whilst he remained stationary in the drivers seat, keys still in the ignition in the events of needing a quick escape.

The cautiousness was more than necessary, with you and Joel both moving in total silence. It appeared that the pair of you were far from the first individuals to scope out the store, the aisle floors stained with dried blood and littered with bodies. Most showing signs of infection… others not… You swallowed thickly as you witnessed the evidence of your races sudden decline. At how easy it was for some to resort to such primal and violent ways.

You tried to ignore it by putting your sole focus into the task at hand. Food and water. Joel remained at your back, his pistol at the ready as you moved through the shop floor gingerly. The glare from your flashlight swept across the shadows beneath each shelf in a desperate search but time and time again they came up empty.

Glancing over your shoulder, you gave Joel a defeated look. Third aisle in and nothing to show for it, the place far more stripped back and desolated than either of you anticipated.

“Just keep goin’…” He mumbled lowly.

You did, keep going that is. Scanning each rack and ledge exhaustively. You had managed to bag a few items… Tommy a fresh pocket of amber leaf and some papers, a tin of Chef Boyardee Ravioli, a couple of cans of spam and some Kirby’s black beans… Barely enough to keep the three of you going for two days. 

It was as you stuffed the can of beans into the sack that a clunk chimed out from several aisles down. It’s clinking sound echoing off the empty walls amidst the darkness that consumed the building.

You both froze. Senses heightened as his broad frame crowded your figure protectively into the stands. His chest pressed against your back but at no point did he pay any mind to it, his ears pricked and eyes searching above you. 

The silence was deafening in those moments, half expecting for something to jump out at you but it never came. Joel freed you an inch worths of space after a few seconds, finally looking down at you with a finger pressed to his lips.

“Stay here.” His voice was so low with a decisive edge, “Don’t make a sound. I’ll be right back.”

You gripped at his shirt, eyes wide but it did nothing to deter him.

“You’ll be fine.” Your fearful stare firmed and with that his large palm fell to your shoulder, his own stare offering something so reassuring, “I’ll be fine. Promise.”

Flicking the switch of your light off, you blended back into the shadows. Doing everything in your power to conceal your existence as you watched his silhouette edge away. Determined to remain invisible until he returned to your hiding spot to collect you.

Minutes went by and you tried to tune your ears in as best as you could, attempting to hear out the faintest of footsteps or noises but nothing reverberated back into your drums. Instead you were left nervous, debating on what moment you should flee to grab Tommy.

You were about to. About to stride into a hurried jog and run for the exit, to come back with Tommy a moment later and get him the hell out of here but just as you did, his voice called for you.

“Selina!”

It was urgent and strained, followed by the ear piercing screech of rubber soles fighting against the vinyl flooring.

You didn’t think twice, pulling out the pocket knife that was stuffed within your jacket before emerging from your hiding spot and whilst remaining stealthy, swiftly you scurried around the passages in search of him.

You weren’t entirely sure what you had planned for the blade within your hand, not entirely convinced that you had it in you to use it for violence and bloodshed. Maybe once your sights landed on Joel and if it was a case of him or them the action would become an easy choice.

The passing concern was unnecessary as you rounded the corner into the final lane. Your feet grounding to a halt at the sight of an overturned shopping cart, it’s mass of contents spilling out across the flooring. Cans and tins and bottles and hygiene products. You felt your heart skip a beat just at the sight, enough supplies to easily get you all through another entire month without having to go hungry for even a single day… and fuck, were you ever hungry. Starving. Then you glanced up, a pair of jean clad legs kicking and flailing out beneath Joel’s brutal grip. 

It was wrong… inappropriate… the way in which it stirred something inside you. His thick forearm wrapped around the strangers throat, bicep bulging beneath his t-shirt with a forceful snarl to his lips. Your breath stuttered and swallowing thickly you snapped yourself out of it.

“Get the cart, Lina!” He growled, his grip around the man’s throat only tightening as his primal eyes bore into you.

You scrambled for the toppled trolley, dragging it back upright and tossing the spilled items into it as quickly as possible. Joel’s voice continued as a taunting sneer, all dark and menacing as he talked at the person locked between the pit of his elbow although his words seemed to be telling a story to you.

“Fuckin’ greedy… tryna take all this for y’self. Didn’t wanna share, did ya? Yeah, I saw the kitchen knife in your pocket… saw ya tryna figure out where we were…Y’ain’t gonna see shit of it now. Not a single fuckin’ crumb of it…”

Your chest drew tight at the sound of it, the deep tone of his drawl causing a sharp shudder to vibrate down your pine, “Joel…Joel… I’ve got everything. Let him go and we can leave.”

His eyes flashed at you then and you could see the contradiction burning within them. He didn’t budge, not even a flinch, his tongue darting out to wet his bottom lip as he flicked his attention between you and the man gasping for oxygen within his grasps.

“Joel…please. C’mon…” Your plead was no more than a desperate whimper.

Joel shook his head carefully, his mind made up, “I’ve already pulled a knife from him, Selina. God knows what else he’s got on him. I let him go n’ he’s gonna try somethin’.” He paused a beat, “Take the cart out to Tommy. Now.”

“Joel…”

“Now, Selina!”

The thought of a life being taken at the hands of your own hunger and desperation made your stomach churn. You didn’t want to image Joel in that way… didn’t want to envision yourself being somewhat responsible either. This man wasn’t sick… this man was just hungry, desperate and scared. Just like you. 

Again, you acted without the thought fully translating within your mind. Reaching for the first weighted item from the trolley; a heavy can of Heinz oxtail soup and launching it with a drawn whine.

Its density thumped into the forehead of the already weakened individual, his body dropping to a dead weight as the tin can crashed and split onto the ground.

Wide eyed and agape, Joel stared at you speechless. His arm loosening and allowing his hostage to fall face down into a limp heap.

“F-f-fuck,” You stuttered. A sudden dread settling within you as you watched his figure fold and crumple, “Did… Did I just kill him?”

Joel’s head shook frantically as he absorbed your shock. He strode over towards you with a warm palm at the small of your back, guiding you towards where the cart stood stationary, “No. He ain’t dead- you ain’t killed him. Give it thirty minutes n’ he’ll be back up… c’mon quick, let’s get outta here before he does.”

He hurried you out of the store, a string of reassurances bleeding from his lips as he did. That you did good. Quick thinking. Effective.

Beneath the concealing shadow of a tree in the old parking lot you dragged the cart into its covers. You both allowed yourselves a moment to find your breaths, hearts pounding with the adrenaline that still coursed through your veins.

Joel nudged his elbow into your side after a moment, his voice slightly course from your previous extremities, “C’mon let’s see what we got in here.”

With a quick nod you grabbed for your flashlight, flicking its bulb on and allowing its fluorescent beam to glide over the bed of the carriage. You giggled, elated, reaching in and grabbing out pack of strawberry pop tarts before smacking it excitedly against Joel’s chest, “Pop tarts! We have fucking pop tarts! Oh jeez!”
 

The variety was incredible. After a solid month of living off of nothing but solemn canned unbranded pasta and rice, you’d hit the jackpot. You’d eat like damn kings- or at least that’s how it felt.

He scoffed before an elevated chuckle rumbled from within him and it was the first damn time you heard him make such a sound. It was wonderful… filled your chest with a flurry of flutters and you swore you could listen to that sound for the rest of your life.

The hunger, the delirium and the excitement of the moment had you out of control. A buzz so energised that your body shook. It was euphoric, uncontainable and the surge of energy had to release itself somehow.

“This- we ain’t gonna-“ 

He didn’t get the opportunity to finish whatever sentence it was that he was in mid flow of. After bouncing on your toes restlessly for all of two further seconds you pulled yourself onto your tip-toes, palms flat to his chest and you impulsively covered his lips with your own.

It was impetuous, rash with no consideration of what the consequences may be but his lips were far too soft, far more gentle than you ever had expected and his hands were so damn comfortable and warm around your waist. His fingers gripped you, squeezing at your flesh and you felt him mellow and melt into your kiss.

It was easy and for a brief second the world around you became forgotten about as you fitted into him like a glove. He became that escape that you had so desperately craved, his taste consuming every charged wave sparking within your mind and you became incapable of thinking of anything else.

But you became too enthusiastic, your lips parting and asking for more- requesting too much from him at this time as your delicate hands roamed up over his shoulders to settle at the nape of his neck and every muscle in his body turned rigid within a cold instant. 

It was too close. It was too much. You had gotten too close. You had become too much.

He stopped kissing you back, his mouth ceasing to move in rhythm with yours and the fingers clutched around your waist only served to then push you away. 

All previous euphoria, charge and thrill vanished within an instance. The excitement of the moment being rapidly replaced by a sense of nauseating humiliation as he pulled further and further away.

He was unreadable to you. His jaw clenched, eyes panicked and full of so much regret and anger as he so sternly glared at you and you felt so self conscious beneath his glower.

You wanted to fizzle out and be absorbed by the earth, to fade away and vanish completely. Whatever discomfort you had felt from that passing moment with Tommy, it was nothing in comparison to this and Joel did nothing to console your shame.

Your voice caught in your throat, the incoming apology swirling heavy within your stomach and how could you have been so fucking stupid? Again? What the fuck was wrong with you? “Joel…I-I don’t know why I- fuck… shit- I’m sorry…”

The edginess to his expression soon fell flat, resorting back to that same stoic stone-cold mask that he wore so well. He didn’t respond to your sorries- didn’t even acknowledge them as he swallowed thickly, swiping the back of his hand across his mouth and removing the sensation of your lingering warmth from his lips.

Joel’s momentarily unclenched fist abruptly darted for the handle of the cart, his grip white knuckling the bar as he turned and for a moment he just stared down at the asphalt below his feet, brows drawn.

He spoke eventually but it offered no resolution to your embarrassment. His words no more than an emotionless mumble, “Should get this loaded in the truck.”

Chapter Text

That small impulsive, heedless moment was all it took to seemingly shatter the efficiency of yours and Joels effective alliance. He never addressed your kiss- not even once did he acknowledge it but with him retracting back within himself, unable to even stand to look at you for any longer than what was absolutely necessary, it was clear that you had crossed a boundary. That one trip to Costco was the end of your little well-working team. You never shared a shopping run with him again after that point.

It was just under three weeks after when the decision was made to target your next large grocery store. You all still had some of your previous loot remaining but with the brisk air of winter steadily approaching, it seemed like a good idea to begin stockpiling. 

Tommy rolled the truck into the deserted parking lot of a Walmart just on the outskirts of Kearney, Nebraska. Vehicles remained in their spaces, all abandoned and still. The soundlessness of the place was eery upon remembering the hustle and bustle that once took place; the mass rumble of engines, the slam of car doors and the jostle of shopping carts emphasising each and every bump in the concrete. Now there was nothing. You guessed that nowadays, the sound of nothing should be a welcomed thought…

Sat in the back, you were about to unbuckle, ready to get into your usual formation of being one step behind Joel to follow him into the building but just as you were about to reach for the truck door, Joel’s firm tone had you stop.

“Tommy, c’mon…”

Your hand hovered, waiting for the continuation and not looking over at either of them. You could hear the drivers seat shift mutedly as Tommy sat upright. Clearly he had already got himself comfortable for his anticipated wait.

“C’mon, what?” He asked, a slight confusion apparent in his voice. At least it wasn’t just you who was puzzled by this apparently new routine.

You could all but hear Joel’s disdain, “Out the car. You’re comin’ with me.”

Tommy’s head swivelled back over his shoulder to catch your eye, his brows drawing together perplexedly. You gave a quick shrug in response before he then turned back towards Joel.

“Thought my role in all this was to watch the truck?” 

Joels focus was forcibly pinned onto Tommy, him refusing to make any kind of eye contact with you. His arm stretched around behind him to scratch at the back of his neck. “Yeah well, we’re mixing it up.” He paused for a beat, that same arm dropping back to his side, “Selina can’t handle herself. Too much of a risk in these larger stores. Besides, it’s about time you got off your ass.”

You and Tommy each scoffed- both for different reasons. ‘Can’t handle herself’. You couldn’t help but presume that his almost abrasive statement had a double meaning to it. It seemingly being the first reference he had made to what had transpired between the the two of you within the shadows of that Costco parking lot almost one month ago, no matter how subliminal it was. 

As far as you were concerned, you had been ‘handling’ yourself just fine, despite not being equipped with your own firearm or really knowing how to use one. Was it not you that stopped him from blowing his brains out? Was it not you that prevented him from taking that other mans life so needlessly? As far as you were concerned it was most certainly Joel who didn’t seem capable of handling himself - at least not emotionally, anyway.

Tommy huffed before heaving himself forward to kill the engine. You hadn’t even consciously realised how much Joel’s comment had grated on you until the forceful puff of air from Tommy’s lungs snapped you back to the present day, realising that you had been grinding your teeth something rotten. Still, you didn’t retaliate.

You waited for Tommy to remove himself from the drivers side, watching as he moved around to the trunk to grab his shot gun before then striding back towards the front end of the vehicle and poking his head through the drive side window.

“Alright…Well…” He tapped at the key that had been left in the ignition and forced a weak smile, “Keys in there. Y’know… just in case we gotta run for it… but you know the drill…”

He still wasn’t back to his normal self and you couldn’t blame him, not at all - you were hardly the same person you once were either, but he was trying.

With an agreeing nod you began manoeuvring yourself from the back and over into the drivers seat. Your movements were hardly graceful; limbs squeezing through the gap created by the centre console and the top of your head bashing against the cushioned roof and you could hear Tommy chuckle away to himself.

You puffed a strained huff of air from your lips as you settled down, legs stretching out in front of you. Side eyeing Tommy, you gave a small smirk at his bemused expression with a muttered, “Shut up…”

He slapped a palm down on the car roof, beginning to straighten himself, “Be as quick as we can. Keep the doors locked.” 

“Tommy… there’s no fucking windows,” You couldn’t help but splutter a small laugh, “What’s locking the doors gonna do?”

You had expected him to chuckle back but instead there was a weighted gravity to his tone, one you hadn’t heard from him before and for a second he sounded just like his brother, “Buys you time to get the engine on and your foot on the gas…”

The time alone passed faster than you had expected… or perhaps they were just quicker together than what your and Joel’s prior pairing had been as you spotted them both strutting out the entrance with a shopping cart half full. It wasn’t as abundant as your previous outing but it would be enough to keep you going until the next stop.

With your eyes glued to the prize, you hadn’t noticed Tommy’s grim expression until you looked up. His skin paled to a hauntingly grey shade with a deeply troubled look behind his eye. 

The perky grin on your face dropped as you noticed, “Another successful trip, huh?”

You had tried to sound as cheery as possible as you began to help load each item into the truck. The only response received from Tommy being a tight grunt before he struck down a can of peas much harder than necessary and hid himself away in the front passenger side.

The car door slammed with such force that the vehicle rattled. With your brows drawn you followed his path before chancing a curious glance towards Joel. His eyes were already on you, firm and knowing. He didn’t need to say a word… As your vision rolled down his front, the faint smattering of deep red splotches contrasting against the pale grey material of his undershirt spoke for themselves. You knew. You knew that tonight’s haul hadn’t just been a lucky find. It had been someone else’s…

You swallowed thickly, dragging your eyes back up to meet his stare, “What…What did you do?”

“What I had to.” Was all he responded with as he reached over to secure the back of the trucks bed before stalking off towards the drivers side.

-

You pulled into a quiet clearing within a small wooded area for the remainder of that night with the idea that it would allow the three of you to have a decent amount of rest and to also give the engine some proper downtime.

Joel had settled down quickly after reclining back his seat, his eyes drifting shut almost instantly afterwards; a clear indication that he was done socialising for the day.

Tommy had been restless, shifting and tossing in the passenger side before abruptly shaking his head and exiting the truck altogether. Laid out across the back seats, you too had been unable to shut off. Your mind replaying various events over the past couple of months over and over… some more traumatic than others and your entire body shivered. 

The temperature had shifted a considerable amount, the further north you traveled. Each of you had your own theories on how the cold might affect the infected once winter takes a proper hold… None of you had stopped to consider how you each would manage. You had always been a southern girl from the very moment you entered into the world, your body strictly acclimatised to a warmer forecast and the worn threadbare hoody that Tommy had found you back at the farm house was no longer cutting it. You’d do just about anything for a fluffy blanket or central heating right about now… It was freezing, uncomfortably so and the mere thought of it only becoming colder made you squirm.

As you were laid there you could feel the back of the truck sink beneath an added weight and the sound of rummaging. You sat up to peer out the back wind screen- which miraculously did still have its glass intact after the bombing in Austin. You spotted Tommy then, perched on the back end of the bed.

You couldn’t sleep anyway so you may as well join him. Quietly you slid yourself out of the rear passenger side door, hugging your arms around yourself to maintain even just a fraction of warmth.

“Is…Is that a blanket?” You asked, noticing the sheet of woven material draped around his shoulders.

“Jesus, Lina. The hell ya sneakin’ around for!” His whole body jerked, dropping his cigarette on the metallic ledge he sat on.

“Sorry…I couldn’t sleep.”

“You n’ me both…” Tommy sighed, placing the smoke back between his lips. He glanced back up at you and with the edge of the sheet still in his clutches, he opened his arm out, “It’s the rug that gets placed inside the tent… better than nothin’ though. C’mon, get in.”

There was no hesitation from you as you jumped up beside him and settled beneath his arm. The combination of Tommy’s body heat and the thick fabric of rug thawing you out within an instant. It was easy with Tommy, always easy. Never was there any expectations and there was never a topic of conversation off limits when it was just the two of you. 

He was an easy friend to have.

“It’s getting cold…” You said quietly, your eyes scanning the surrounding darkness. The mass rustling sways of thinning branches in the brisk autumn breeze casting an array of ominous appearing shadows around.

Tommy snorted his agreement without anything further being said for a second. He took in another drag, the smouldering fumes swirling around in a ghostly fog before dissipating, it’s distinct scent clinging onto the fibres of your clothes with its translucent tendrils, “Joel wants to build as much of a reserve as possible and then we’ll find somewhere to hunker down for the worst of winter…”

You nodded, following the path of smoke until it vanished into the air above. You turned back to Tommy, his face fallen and gaze vacantly stuck on an invisible spot somewhere up ahead.

“You okay?” You asked gently.

His jaw clenched, focus still pointed to that spot in the distance, “He killed someone today…two, actually.”

“They sick?”

“No.”

You swallowed thickly. Pushing down the image flashing back of the scrawny man slowly suffocating within Joel’s grip, eyes tinted pink with fear and the screech of his boots fighting against the vinyl. “Why?”

Tommy finally looked at you, a solemn contrast within his eye, “We found a whole crate of bottled water… These-these guys, they came straight at us demanding that he hand it all over. ‘Course, we weren’t about to do that y’know.” He swallowed, shaking his head, “I mean, yeah, they had knives but… I thought that maybe we could bargain…but Joel… he just saw red. Didn’t even wanna give them a chance- just… bang, bang and they were both out cold.”

“I-I think things are changing, Tommy…” Your brows drew together, your own voice sounding foreign as you found yourself almost trying to justify Joel’s callous actions even when it had been you begging him to let another go unscathed just a few weeks ago, “I’m not saying he made the right call today and maybe there could have been another way but… everyone’s hungry and it’s not like anything is being restocked. What would’ve happened if one of them did lunge for you?”

His brows knitted, “I mean… at that point, yeah. T’s just self defence…”

You rolled you head back against his shoulder, gazing up at his burdened side profile, “It’s us or them… right?” 

It was much easier said than done.

He sighed, “I know… I just… I don’t think I’ll ever be okay with takin’ someone’s life- s’why I quit the forces, I couldn’t cope.” Tommy shook his head, “As you said, we’re all just hungry n’ scared…all just floatin’ in this same sinkin’ ship.”

“I know…” You said, body slackening with the weight of the world before finally admitting your truth, “I’m not sure I’m gonna be able to if it comes down to it either…”

Tommy loosely gestured back to the cabin of the truck, “I don’t know how he’s even sleepin’ right now… how he- he panicked for two damn seconds n’ then just carried on as if it was nothin’.”

You didn’t mention what happened in the Costco, how again, he was so quick to resort to such fatal measures…Instead you shrugged, “I don’t know… Maybe he can just separate himself from it?”

“He’s changed, Lina….” Tommy’s tone faltered into a solemn mumble, “Has always been a pain in my ass but… I miss my big brother…”

———————————————————————

The regularity of when you’d park up and complete these stock ups became more frequent. What was once just as in when you needed, quickly turned into weekly occurrences and then almost each time you’d pass a new store.

Humanity was dwindling, the visual decline was somewhat horrifying. How you would pass other individuals less and less on the road and when you did come across others, they were becoming less friendly and more hostile as time went on. Civilisation had shifted, everything retorting back to a more primal approach out in these vast wilds. People were scared- distrusting… and so were you.

With less and less interaction with humans of the uninfected kind, you had become more brazen in your actions. You had begun to not limit your shopping hauls to the dead of night and boldly began venturing out in the daylight hours.

It was yet another Walmart you rolled into as you passed through Sterling, Colarado. The breaks of the truck screeching to a stop and the hand break yanked up with a slight clunk as Joel parked up. 

You knew your new role in these expeditions well by now. Up front and ready to hit the gas if needed… It had only happened once so far outside a seven eleven back in North Platte, the entire shop floor infested with infected. The boys didn’t even have chance to get inside, throwing themselves into the truck bed instead as you floored it down the road with a swarm of runners following after you. You managed to lose them after about a mile. Thank fuck. 

Today seemed more placid however… The parking lot still full of abandoned vehicles and not a single sound reverberating off of any of them. You waited vigilantly for around twenty minutes, listening out for any signs that either Tommy or Joel might need to make a run for it but there was not so much as a single gun blast or shriek. An easy loot you assumed as you instead pulled your book from beneath the dash- some fantasy novel that Joel had tossed at you after scavenging through a mostly derelict neighbourhood in Sutherland. Dragons and monarchy had never really interested you all that much but A Storm of Swords certainly had you hooked… plus it was a marvellous way to kill time whilst waiting for the brothers to return.

You had been entirely engrossed by the story, worlds away when the sound of a woman’s cries had you abruptly alert. 

Your head snapped up as you smacked the book closed and tossed it onto the passenger side seat. She was jogging towards you, mousey long hair and a pair of cargos ripped at the knees. Her expression somewhat panicked as she locked eyes with you.

It had been a few days since you had last seen another somewhat healthy human and your entire body grew taut. You watched her cagily as she continued to advance towards you with a stumble to her step. Your hand hovered over the small knife within your pocket after stuffing the keys into the ignition- prepared for a quick exit.

To your surprise, the strange woman halted a couple of feet away from the bumper, her arms raised and eyes wide- almost begging with you.

“Please… I sprained my ankle whilst trying to escape… I-I think I’m still being followed- please! I’ve not been bit- it’s not infected that are after me- I promise!” 

You studied her cautiously. The way her body heaved and panted with each breath, the sheer desperation exuding from her widened hazel eyes and how she appeared so malnourished. Your heart pounded, as she so frantically checked her surroundings.

Men could be awful… you knew this well even prior to outbreak day. You’d seen first hand what some would do to a woman if they believed they wouldn’t get caught. The times you witnessed David strike your mother and the fights you’d overhear. There was nobody to catch them anymore- not out here at least. There was nothing for them to fear- no consequences.

You could remember the black eyes and purple bruises that always seemed to come along with a blasé excuse of bumping her head here and falling over there; as if she was trying to shelter you from the truth regardless of the fact that you had physically seen it happen on more than one occasion. She told you once… after you admitted that you were frightened to leave her- just before you moved to Austin, actually… She had told you ‘don’t worry, darling. He won’t do anything to really hurt me. He loves me,’ she had also later said that ‘arguments and fights are healthy in a relationship. It means that they care,’ and it seemed like the most ridiculous thing at the time. How could hurting the one you supposedly love ever make sense?

And so you stared at this woman before you, her fearful look and trembling limbs and despite Joel’s strict instructions repeating like a mantra within your mind, your fingers gingerly wandered over to the internal lock button, hesitating over it before pressing down. You couldn’t leave her out there… not whilst knowing what you know and having seen what you have…

The woman’s body visibly exhaled a breath as she heard the click of the doors unlock and she hurried over to you before pausing at the passenger side door.

“Thank you, thank you, thank you!” 

Your eyes didn’t leave her as she tugged the partition open and climbed on in, your mind already mentally preparing for Joel’s wrath- knowing damn well that it would come the very moment he’d walk out that store and spot that two seats were occupied rather than one. 

“I’m not alone you know.” You said as a warning, attention not leaving her. As much as you were all for helping another woman out, it didn’t mean that you were fully at ease. She was still a stranger.

She swallowed thickly, eyes widening once again with a small nod, “Um…okay… Are- are you- is it… safe?”

“They won’t hurt you… not unless I say…” You confirmed nonchalantly, “so as long as you don’t try n’ hurt me… yeah, your safe…”

You felt awful. This tough guy…or woman act not coming naturally to you in the slightest. You were almost certain that Laura would currently be watching down on you and wetting herself with laughter. The prospect of little ol’ you acting all big and threatening being nothing but a comedy for her entertainment. It was necessary though. You just hoped it passed off as being believable… at least until you knew her well enough to trust her.

“What’s your name?” You asked. The first question of your mini interrogation.

“Caroline.”

Seemed legit. “Who’s following you?” 

“Two men… they murdered and robbed the rest of my group… I escaped.”

Not at all concerning… “How do you know they’re following?”

Caroline swallowed thickly, “I hid initially… the house we were bunkered up in is only a few blocks away. That’s where they attacked.” She paused for a beat, “I heard them looking for me… They don’t want any loose ends I guess.”

“So you don’t know for sure that they’re out here still looking…” Your words came out as more of a statement as your eyes scanned the parking lot for any signs of movement.

Her tone all of a sudden sounded a little more on the defensive side, “No, I guess not but would you want to risk it out there on you own?”

No. You wouldn’t. “I’m… I’m not trying to be insensitive… and I’m sorry about your group. I guess I’m just trying understand how much danger we’re currently in.” Your expression pinched as you turned to her and it was then you made your first mistake, “Look my two forms of protection are currently in that store. I won’t be able to fend off any grown ass men by myself with just a pocket knife… I don’t really want to leave them either but I need to know if we have to move.”

“How long do you think they’ll be?” Caroline asked, her fingers tapping anxiously against her thigh.

You shook your head, “Not long…” 

“Let’s just stay vigilant.” She confirmed.

Your eyes remained trained on her as she judiciously looked ahead, “Listen, it’s best if you stay quiet when they come out. One of them is friendly enough but the other is less…trusting…”

“I’d say he’s smart then.” A subtle smile crossed her lips as she peeled her focus away from your surroundings to meet your eye.

You nodded, brows drawing together. ‘Smart’ was never really a term you had previously associated with Joel… Oddly attractive, paranoid, resourceful and stoic- yes… but then again, maybe the combination of the latter three is now what was deemed as smart in this new age…

“What’s your name?” Caroline’s question was quick to pull you from your stupor.

“Selina.” 

A comfortable silence fell over the two of you then and the ease of that soundlessness lasted for all of a couple of minutes before Caroline spoke back up, a rattled edge to her voice, “When did you say they went in there?”

“I didn’t… but it was a while ago. We don’t usually stop for long…” You frowned.

You noted as the muscles within her jaw clenched, her attention once again searching the sea of abandoned cars within the lot. You tried to sound as reassuring as possible as you reached over and pressed down on the internal locks once more, “Hey I’ve locked the doors back up. I doubt we’ll be here for any longer than another ten minutes. If we see anyone, we’ll move… I’ve seen my two guys hold their own- we can come back for them.”

It was then that you made your second and final fatal mistake. You took your eyes off of her for a split second, turning your head to get a good look out of the drivers side window. It was stupid, negligent and too damn trusting of you but you weren’t even given the chance to correct your blunder as you felt your head get yanked back by a fistful of hair and then slammed forward with full force into the steering wheel.

The blood trickling into your mouth was foul, all coppery and metallic making your stomach twist. She held you there, one of her hands pressed at the back of your head and the other forced at the nape of your neck and restraining your movements.

Caroline’s voice was course to your ears as she yelled out, her elbow cracking against the internal lock once more, “Quick! I got her!”

In your next breath you were tugged back, Caroline’s forearm wrapped around your throat in much the same way that Joel had restrained that Costco guy as the back of your head was pinned against her shoulder. You could feel the fear inducing sensation of cold weighted metal being pressed against your temple. You hadn’t even checked to see if she was armed before welcoming her into your space… shit.

“If you make this easy for us, we won’t need to kill you… so you better hope your guard dogs don’t fucking show up within the next five minutes.” Her voice growled into your ear as you pressed your eyes closed. She knew you were practically unarmed, you’d told her that you weren’t strong enough alone to fend for yourself… you’d given her everything she needed in order to take full advantage and that she did.

You heard the drivers side door fly open, a much larger and firmer pair of hands clutching around your ankles and tugging you down. An unfamiliar frame then reaching over to grasp harshly at the hair on top of your head to pull you forward. You grunted, arms raising desperately to try and release his grip and set yourself free.

“I mean it, chica. Keep trying to fight and we won’t be left with a choice. It’s in your best interest to just let it happen…”

A mans voice rumbled above you as he tightened his grip, “The fuck am I doing with her, Tess?”

It was Caroline that answered back, “Just throw her down in the parking lot. She isn’t armed, she can’t do shit.” She paused for a beat, “Hurry up with it. She’s not alone. We gotta get out of here before the rest of her group show up. Keys are already in the ignition.”

You cried out one last determined time as your body was heaved forward and dragged from the car. Your feet stably touched the ground for all of two seconds before you were forcefully shoved face down onto the asphalt. 

Within moments the car doors all slammed shut and the engine roared to life. You hadn’t even noticed the third male who had jumped into the bed of the truck, emptying a few of your apparently unneeded belongings onto the concrete beside you.

You stayed down. There was at least three of them all armed and ready yet currently just one of you, with nothing but your flimsy pocket knife for protection. The odds were never going to be in your favour if you tried to fight. No matter how desperate you were feeling.

“Throw her, her pack. Let’s give her some sort of chance…”

Caroline’s voice and the thump of your pack landing next to you was the last you heard before the wheels of Joel’s truck screeched against the tarmac and sped off.

You pulled yourself upright but remained sat, defeated. You pulled your knees up to your chin, jeans torn, skin grazed and you could still feel the trickle of warm blood seeping from your nostrils and dripping down your lips. It was all gone. Your shelter, your transport and apart from what was still stuffed within your pack and whatever the boys would return with, your entire supply of both food and water went with them.

—————————————————————

Your tears didn’t last long, the shock of the fast attack being quick to take over, leaving you immobilised and dazed whilst still bunched up in the very parking space that the truck should have been in. 

It was heinous and cunning how that woman had lured you into her trap. How she had played your emotional weakness like an instrument and sussed out the precise moment to act. She must have given you some tell-tell signs, surely…so why couldn’t you see them? 

Where was her compassion? Where was the morality? You had been right… Things were changing, scarily so. Nobody outside your circle could be trusted and the belief in virtue was quickly becoming a fools game…

You could hear their low familiar drawls closing in and the rattle of yet another shopping cart approaching but you couldn’t bring yourself to look up at them as you felt their combined consternation wash over your form. The shame of failing your only damn task swallowing you up.

“Lina?… Shit, Lina! The hell happened out here?” Tommy.

“Jesus Christ… Where’s the fuckin’ truck?!” Joel.

You didn’t speak a word as the two brothers fought it out between themselves. Tommy being so very quick to jump to your defence- even without knowing the story- ranting on about how it was a stupid decision of Joel’s to leave you with the truck without any real form of defence. How you should have been with one of them at all times. That perhaps one of them should have taken the time to show you how to handle a gun before allowing it to get this far.

“Fine. If you wanna train her up, then be my guest but that’s on you, Tommy. I ain’t got the bullets to waste and the last I checked, neither do you.”  

Unable to avoid their fluster any longer, you found the courage to lift your head, your fingers still trembling. Your damp eyes stung from the bitter air and you could feel the tightness of your skin from the mixture of dried tears and congealing blood. You met Tommy first, the true apprehensiveness of his emotions being covered by a forced reassurance for your sake. 

“Hey… Fuck the truck. You’re still alive - that’s what matters.” He looked drained, his weak smile faltering massively under the realisation that you were all now left exposed to the elements and with very little to survive on.

You swallowed thickly, unable to agree before chancing your attention towards Joel. He didn’t breathe another word but the fire burning behind his eyes was scorching as he glared back. He was seething, on the verge of blowing up and for a moment you considered that it may have been kinder for Caroline to have put a bullet through your skull. 

You choked a sob, “I-I’m sorry…”

———————————————————————

You couldn’t take it all with you. Being left with no other option but to leave half of the carts contents behind after stuffing your packs full with the items that would go the furthest of ways. Trail mix, water, jerky, bags of dried pasta and rice all going in with a few tins that contained full meals such as soups and stews. 

There was no choice but to continue your travels on foot and suddenly your lack of destination had become much more of a daunting matter now that you were facing this new world without the protection or speed of a vehicle whilst stranded in a state that was unfamiliar to all three of you.

One of the only silver linings- if you could even call it that- was that out of the few items thrown from the back of the truck before they sped away, the small tent had been one of them and so naturally, your first point of call was to get as far away from the town as possible before nightfall. To find somewhere remote to set up camp where the risk of both infected and other humans were minimal.

Once you had gained your composure back  and found your voice, you opened up about what had happened whilst they were still inside the store. Told them of the events that took place, the false fable that Caroline had deceived you with and how that you had wanted to help her. How it had all been a lie and that you had been held at gun point before being dragged from the car by some brutish ass wipe and then thrown to the ground.

Tommy had been empathetic enough, still placing the blame on himself and his brother for not taking better precautions. That they should have stuck with the old dynamic, should have better prepared you, should have concealed the truck more efficiently or better still, not have risked even making an attempt in daylight.

Joel on the other hand was less so. He was upset to say the least. First at you, with his vexations spilling out in the form of degrading comments about you being stupid, naive and a ‘damn liability’ but his anger had mostly been misdirected and then shifted towards the current state of the world.

He barely spoke for the first few days of your trek. A decision made to head towards Cheyenne mountain where you hoped to find somewhere still relatively intact and remote to hide away in for the incoming winter. 

Joel barked orders and supplied one worded answers to questions that couldn’t be responded with by a grunt whilst both you and Tommy soothed one another with mindless conversations about innocent interests. You learned that he liked to motorcycle on weekends and could fit ten standard sized marshmallows into his mouth at once and in turn he learned that you used to have a golden retriever as a kid named Brian, that you competed at the Nashville dance fest in two thousand and came third in the line dance.

The sleeping arrangements left no room for stale air between the three of you and Joel’s paroxysm soon fizzled out, even if he did remain mostly aloof. With it being just a small two man affair, there was no real escape from one another. 

It was a pain in the ass to set up each time you moved, which was most days now that a rough destination had been decided on. Assembling the poles mostly caused some level of bickering and light friction to an extent with Joel being adamant that ‘this pole slotted into this last night’ and Tommy retorting back with his own recollection of the previous set up being somewhat different. 

The brothers had agreed to split the nights into two with one of them being out on watch for a shift before swapping over. You had no part in that decision, being rightfully deemed as useless if anything were to happen and so you remained within the tent the whole night.

You had hoped that the tent would have retained some semblance of heat with the presence of two bodies being enclosed within at a time but that wasn’t the case… at least not before the sun would appear over the horizon. The nights were freezing. You had managed to scavenge a larger rucksack and some warmer attire from an abandoned home in Fort Morgan as well as a double duvet and a couple of pillows- and whilst it offered a small amount of comfort, you’d still wake up with pebbled skin and numb toes.

It wasn’t so bad when you were sleeping next to Tommy. He had no qualms with huddling together and sharing body heat to stay warm. There was never a moment where he wasn’t respectful about it either, ensuring that his lower half was never pressed up against you and that his hands were always placed against the ground and never on your body.  

However, when the shift would swap and Tommy would step outside to be replaced by Joel, it was a different matter entirely. The first few nights exuded a certain awkwardness as he’d settle down beside you, the discomfort in the arrangement thick and palpable. He wouldn’t speak a word and his back was always turned, trying to put as much space between you as physically possible within the limited space you had. Those latter hours of sleep were always spent interrupted. The icy cold that would stab into your limbs and cause your entire figure to rattle would awaken you regularly, leaving you weary the next morning when it was time to once again pack up and move on.

There had been one anomaly though, one night where you had slept all the way through until the new mornings sun rose up and heated the inside of your little bubble until it became unbearably stuffy. You had awoken almost gasping for cool air, trying to kick the duvet from your body for some relief but you had found yourself trapped beneath it. It’s dense material pinned to your body by one thick arm that draped over the curve of your waist and curled up towards your chest. It was as you became aware of that then you then became conscious of the rhythmic tepid breath that steadily fanned the nape of your neck and the warm torso that had cocooned itself around your body. 

You froze in place, body rigid and unsure of how to best navigate this. Your unease was only present due to the fact that it was Joel and not Tommy but even then, it wasn’t that you were unnerved by his closeness but more so how he would react… or had this been intentional?

That question was soon answered as you felt him stir behind you. You tried to mellow your tense form and steady your breathing, to appear still oblivious and at rest as you felt his nose scrunch against the skin of your neck as he came around before he jolted back suddenly. It was certainly not a conscious choice. As careful as he was to not wake you, the tension in his limbs as he jerked his arm from around you was hard to ignore. Joel was quick to start his day after that moment, hastily exiting the tent and leaving you laid there without breathing a single word. As much as you had been sweltering, the presence of his body tight to yours wasn’t entirely unwelcome and his absence then after was felt alongside a small sense of disappointment.

It had been the one and only time that it happened in the the tent. The next night saw him place his pack between you both as a quietly masked barrier, an assurance that your bodies would not touch before he, as per usual, settled down beneath the duvet with his back to you. You had been awoken by the significant drop in temperature three times that night…

Your on-foot travels were pretty uneventful over the two weeks that they took place. You mostly avoided the small towns you passed by unless you were low on food but even then, Tommy had suggested hunting whilst local wildlife was still present before the snow sets in. A few infected were encountered but they seemed slower, less hasty to pick up on your presence and attack- seeming to somewhat prove Joel’s theory in them not being as active in cooler climates; something that appeared to give him a small ego boost. 

Tommy had decided to offer this revelation as a learning opportunity. A chance for you to learn your way around a gun. Target practice. 

Joel had warmed up to the idea after stumbling upon a small armoury in Wiggins. As expected, it had been mostly picked over but you had managed to get your hands on a couple of cases of shells and bullets that would work with the shot gun and now two pistols you had in your possession.

It was mostly Tommy that headed up your lessons, his stint in the army providing him with plenty of tips and strategies for a decent shot but every once in a while Joel would step in, if he thought he knew of an easier, more amateur way for you to hold your stance or correct your breathing. It surprised you that whilst Tommy was happy to let you figure out his instructions by yourself, Joel was somewhat quick to enter into your personal space, manually moving your limbs into position to ensure your understanding first time around.

You had tried your hand with the shot gun first. It heavy, cumbersome and packing a bit too much of a kick for your already thinning and small frame. It was awkward to hold and keep balance of, each shot going wide and more often than not landing you back onto your ass. You had managed to blow the hand off of an infected old man once, with Tommy having to finish him off but that was about as much of a hit that you had successfully managed.

The smaller pistols felt much more natural in your grip; lighter to hold and easier to line up. Tommy had taught you the way that the forces had once trained him, using one hand to aim with a single finger to squeeze the trigger. It worked to an extent, your shots mostly landing somewhere on the infected bodies but it never seeming to hit that intended fatal target of the head or throat.

After a few further failed attempts, Joel had once again stepped in.

“Her wrist ain’t strong enough.” He stated whilst watching from afar.

Tommy’s brows furrowed, as he turned to look toward his brother, “Huh?”

Joel closed in to stand alongside you, his chin jutting towards the small gun in your hand, “You ain’t seein’ it from where you’re stood but the kick back, it’s skewing the line of the shot. She’s shootin’ n’ her whole damn hand flicks up.” 

“So what you sayin’? Reckon she needs more stability?” Tommy questioned, his focus dragging over to the still somewhat dormant runner below with a hole blown into its shoulder before switching back to Joel.

Nodding, Joel turned to you, “Selina, c’mere. Show me your aim.”

You did as he asked, turning your body towards him and picking up your aim just as Tommy had taught you; the barrel of the gun aimed at his chest. He studied your form, seeing you as nothing more than just a moving part of the firearm in your grasps whilst scratching at his chin in thought, “Alright, let me try somethin’.”

He took a step towards you so he was stood square on in front. His eyes grazed over your stance once more before pulling at your free arm and personally rearranging your fingers so that you now had both hands on the gun. One thumb on top of the other and now two fingers resting over the trigger.

Joel kicked at your left boot, “Put that a step back so your right leg leads and don’t lock your knees. Be better for your balance…”

He took a step back to study your new form before reaching out and making an attempt to grab at the barrel and pull it from you. It didn’t budge from your grip and you swore that you could see his lip subtly tug for the briefest of seconds, “There, ain’t nobody takin’ that from you now. How does it feel?”

You glanced down at the gun, holding up your aim that little bit higher as if you were planning to shoot before allowing your eyes to meet Joel’s once more, “Yeah… better. Feels more secure.”

“Good,” His palms were back on your shoulders as he turned you around and walked you back towards your viewing point. With his chest pressed against your back, you could feel each rise and fall as his arms encased you with his hands covering your own.

“Right, the guy in the Bass Pro cap. Let’s finish him off,” He helped level your muzzle to the man’s head, “You want it about here, right in line with that logo.”

He let go then, the cooling air prickling at your skin in the absence of his warmth as he stepped back, “Alright, shoot.”

Steadying your breath, you sucked in and with your eyes firmly set on your target you gently squeezed the lever. It was quick; the pop of the shot, a burst splatter of red and then the soft thud of your Bass Pro cap guy folding as a dead weight to the tarmac. 

You heaved an elated laugh, one that scared you almost. Your first intentional kill. Remembering back to the boy who skull you bludgeoned in the chicken shop and the horror and guilt that came alongside it, you had expected to feel much the same way… but that wasn’t the case. Perhaps you had just become comfortable with the fact that these people had lost all of their humanity… at ease with the idea that you were putting them out of there misery because this…this felt very much like an achievement rather than a murder. No different than scoring your first pass on a college assignment or nailing the bars of a new rap song word for word as it played on the radio.

Tommy clapped you on the back before Joel prompted you to try again, picking you out a whole new target. He watched you from a far this time, calling out in order to remind you of the placement of your feet instead of correcting them himself. You focused determinedly on the woman with the grey scraggly bun and pink slippers. Your first two attempts went wide, blowing a hole into her thigh and then grazing her cheek but the third time, that bullet landed exactly where it was supposed to, precisely between the eyes and just like the last, she dropped with a satisfying thud.

But there was nothing more satisfying to you than the fluttering in your stomach at the sound of Joel’s low voice approaching with praises of your efforts on his tongue.

“Atta girl. That how it’s done.”

Your lessons continued as you travelled and as the days passed you began to learn about your new obtained firearm on a more personal level rather than just conceptually. Your aim and form improved day by day and you began to miss your targets less and less. You no longer saw it as just an object that shoots out bullets but rather as an extension of your being- something you kept on you at all times for just in case.

The old tent did you well for the weeks that you walked but a small mishap with an unfortunate strong gust of wind and a tree as you began dismantling its structure had caused a large tear in the protective material which only exposed you all to the elements that little bit more on a night. You were just thankful that it happened just outside of Larkspur and not any earlier on in your trip. The idea that the mountain was just another day or two away made those nights that little bit more bearable. That this was just temporary, that you would find somewhere permanent soon.

The peak of the mountain coming into view lifted one burdened weight from your shoulders, a sense of relief swarming your organs as you exhaled a freeing breath. You were exhausted… you all were. The three of you running on nothing but fumes and now more than eager to find somewhere to settle.

You ended up bypassing the mountain itself, following the path to its state park instead. The three of you ventured away from the highway as you decided to try your luck down a promising looking passage to your right hand side. 

Pine Oaks Road was long and winding as it lead you deeper and deeper into the grounds and further away from any traces of civilisation. A couple of sparsely placed houses were passed along the way but Joel was adamant to keep going. ‘To weigh up all the options’ as he had put it. The three of you followed the road to its very end and just like a pot of gold at the end of a rainbow, the peak of a slated roof peered out from above the mass of pine. 

A decision was made on the spot. The place was remote, concealed and was the least likely to be discovered by others also seeking shelter, who would likely choose to occupy one of the structures you passed much further up the street. Its location was idyllic, far enough from civilisation that you shouldn’t see any trouble but still only a couple hours walk away from the nearest town for when the time came to stock up on resource.

It was all locked up as you approached, both you and Tommy working as a pair to scale the perimeter before giving Joel the go ahead to bust the lock.

The entire place was untouched. As if its previous owners had simply gone out to work that Friday morning and then never returned. You couldn’t believe your luck as the cupboards remained full of non perishables and the wardrobes upstairs brimmed with clean clothes for both men and women. 

It had clearly been a family home, with its four bedrooms. Two of which belonging to children with their printed curtains and brightly coloured walls- two rooms that Joel swiftly closed the doors on with a somewhat pained expression. The other two were there for your pickings; one master and one guest both occupying a neatly made up double bed.

The idea was floated that two of you could share whilst the other would claim the spare room for themselves but none of you seemed massively enthralled with the idea of being split after months of not being any more than three feet away from one another at any time. Plus despite reasoning with yourselves that this place was as safe as you were going to get, none of you could be absolutely certain. 

Instead, between the three of you, you dragged those two double mattresses into the living room downstairs and spaced them out across the hardwood flooring. It made sense. One of you could take the couch whilst the remaining two could take a mattress each… and at least that way, you were near the entrance to detect any potential intruders early on and there wasn’t someone left alone. Plus, the living room housed a fireplace and whilst it was promptly agreed that it would not be lit during the day due to the visibility of the smoke, concealed beneath the dark night sky with no artificial lighting, it would allow you to sleep next to a warm glow.

Tommy had been quick to claim the three seater cushioned couch as his own, leaving both you and Joel with a mattress each. A decision that neither of you were seemingly bothered by as you set your belongings down. The idea of making home on a couch after months of car seats and solid alfresco camping when a perfectly good mattress was available seemed absolutely absurd to you.

That first night had almost become a blur. The discovery of running water, despite it not being heated had excited you beyond belief and the very moment the sun dipped beneath the horizon and your little establishment was entirely concealed by the sea of obsidian that the sky casted over you, you had pans of water boiling over a naked flame.

It wasn’t quite on par with the steamy bubble filled baths that you used to spend hours submerged in before outbreak day. But you had heated up enough cold water to be able to fill the tub up half way with lukewarm liquid and combine it with the remaining soap left behind by the homes previous occupants.

You each took turns in getting cleaned up and making the most of the fresh clothes available in the master bedroom. You had scrubbed your flesh raw whilst trying to scrape off the months worth of grime and dirt before relishing in the soft material of a clean oversized tee, it’s tender cotton feeling so gentle against your distressed skin.

Tommy had even located a pair of scissors and a few unused razors in the cabinet beneath the bathroom sink and after a little persuasion from yourself, you were able to talk them into tidying not only their facial hair but also the outgrown mops atop their heads by a centimetre or two.

———————————————————————

The first few nights were seamless. Each time you sunk down into that mattress and your head touched the pillow, you were out like a light and sleeping like a log until the next morning. Your exhausted body needed the undisturbed rest, it being detrimental to repair the wear and tear that had formed over the past couple of months. It was recovery.

By day three you could go as far as to say that you felt and looked human again, as did Tommy and Joel. During the day, you were each energised as you completed your set chores and moods were beginning to uplift- if only a little. However, as your physical health improved day by day, at a certain point, you felt your mental begin to gradually decline. The solemn weight of what you had endured slowly began to crush you.

For a while, you couldn’t understand why it didn’t happen sooner and then you thought that maybe you’d been blessed with a welcome escape and that it just simply wasn’t going to happen to you at all. You were wrong. It was most definitely taking its form now. It was as if your body was waiting for it to be released of its primal instinct to survive and now that it had been- now that you were considered safe, the next stage kicked in. You could remember telling yourself, back in Austin- at the medical tent, that it would come in stages… Stage one: Initial breakdown, stage two: Denial and now stage three: Processing…

———————————————————————

It was unrecognisable, the room that you were stood within and yet in the same breath it had an eery familiarity to it. Each corner was shrouded by an ominous obscurity. A cimmerian vignette, its obsidian gloom languidly spreading with the intention to consume you. Opaque, shadowy tendrils continuing to creep and crawl towards you, reaching to wrap around your ankles and pull you under and you were paralysed. Unable to scurry back and escape as they took their hold and rooted you to the ground, deliberately curling and twining around your legs, travelling up up up.

The air in your lungs was paralysed, unable to release as you gasped and gasped, the sinister darkness continuing to enclose and engulf but in the centre, amongst the sea of malevolent nothingness was a beam. A spot light created without any source, but what it highlighted was not presented. Pristine white tiles… that’s all it was… 

Your optimism told you that it represented hope. A light at the end of this seemingly endless tunnel, a ray of faith that you just needed to reach.

A depraved snarl sounded from behind you, slashing at what was an otherwise uneasy silence. Your entire form jerked at its guttural carnal resonance, a sense of dread washing through your organs and sitting heavy in your gut as you whipped your fearful head around. An urgent attempt to try and gain a glimpse of what was stalking you. You were faced with the same empty void… a picture of an endless abyss. Nothingness.

Then there was coughing. A sickly splutter and heaved drying breaths. You snapped back around, every gut and twisted muscle becoming unwound as your eye sockets expanded at the sight. An icy shudder coursed through your vessels and left goose flesh in its wake whilst your hairs stood on end. You weren’t alone in here.

Twisted limbs, heaped and contorted into the most unnatural of ways lay twitching beneath the spot light. The once pristine white tiles now pooling with thick hot crimson. It wasn’t looking at you, its head turned away but the dull matted tangle of pale blonde hair had your stomach churning.

You knew who it was and this wasn’t a sign of hope… it was dread. A dense inescapable panic cascaded over you, its cumbersome weight tumbling down to crush you and you heaved a dry sob.

And you wished you hadn’t. You wished that you remained silent and still as your sound caused her body to jitter and jerk. Her head twisted one hundred and eighty to face you, the snap of her neck echoing and ringing into the darkness around. The sight alone being enough to fuel a lifetime of nightmares for you to indulge in on a nightly basis. Her skin was colourless, mottled by blue and green threads. Her eyes were lifeless and milky as they bulged from within her skull and her chapped grey lips hid a series of rotting yellow teeth, incisors dripping with blackened liquid as they sunk into what you could only assume to be a pound of raw flesh.

“L-Laura?” Your timid voice shook.

The lump of bloodied meat was dropped with a splat as her face tilted from side to side, as if she was studying you- trying to place you but then her teeth bared and that viscous gurgled snarl was once again projected at you.

You pulled at your feet, frantic and frightened grunts escaping you as you watched her contorted and malformed figure lift and scramble towards you.

The twining gloomy tendrils snapped beneath your fight and just as she lunged you fled. Your legs sprinting at the highest speed you could reach as you bolted into the void.

Something shifted all of a sudden, your surroundings were dim but no longer vacant and you realised where you now were as your limbs continued to move. That first Costco you ventured into many weeks ago… The atmosphere was full of taunting whispers that repeated into your ear like a chant.

Sisi…Sisi…Sisi…

You tried to outrun it, tried to lose the persistent following voice within the maze of aisles but then you rounded the last passage and your rubber soles screeched against the vinyl flooring as you skidded to an abrupt halt. 

Silence. The jeering whispers ceasing to sound.

Joel was there, just as he had been the first time. The same determined fire burning within his eye, his figure knelt down in the same position, the same arm wrapped around the throat of your silent stalker…. Only that this time it wasn’t the same person. It wasn’t the hungry man with scraggly hair and holey boots. No, this time it was Laura trapped within his hold.

“Take the cart out to Tommy. Now.”

Everything was identical, his tone, his words- the way they were growled at you, the way his biceps bulged as his muscles strained. Everything except for the fact that it was your best friend in his grasps and not some unfamiliar stranger.

“Lina! SELINA! Sisi, don’t go, don’t leave me, Sisi… PLEASE!” And it was the same terrified expression that pleaded with you on that chicken shop floor.

The tears burned at your eyes before flooding your lash line, spilling down your cheeks and dripping to the ground. You glanced down at your hands, the can of Oxtail soup somehow already within your grip and you had no control. Your limbs moved off their own accord, rising and swinging as you launched the weighted container right at her head.

Your stomach dropped, a horrified heave forming from within your throat as you watched it make impact… but it wasn’t the can that hit and knocked her unconscious. In fact, she wasn’t unconscious at all as she writhed in Joel’s arms, kicking and shrieking like an unhinged animal as the heel of your sandal lodged itself within her skull.

And then your palms were sticky, but sticky turned to wet and then they were dripping. Fresh hot crimson dribbled all over your fingers, seeping beneath your nails and staining the tainted skin and you screamed. The pitched noise slicing up through your throat like razor blades and you could feel yourself drowning as you closed your eyes and let the darkness absorb you.

“Selina….”

…

“Selina!”

Your eyes snapped back open, wide and frantic as you’re breathing hyperventilated. He was the first thing you saw, Joel’s umber eyes all enlarged and concerned as he hovered over you. His palms gripping at your shoulders and you tried with all your might to fight him off of you. Your limbs lashing out and smacking at his chest, your entire torso squirming beneath him.

“No no no… get…get off. Get off of me…” You cried between gritted teeth

“Hey, hey, hey. Shhh. You’re okay. It’s not real- you’re all okay. Shh. S’just a dream. Just a dream.”

You met his gaze and slowly the disorientation began to fade out, leaving you limp and panting for oxygen as your tears continued to stream. 

This wasn’t the Costco. There was no Laura. You were in the house- your house, in the living room and this was the real Joel sat at your side.

“J-Joel?” Your whisper was laced with uncertainty.

Gently he nodded his confirmation, “That’s right, s’just me…”

Slowly you began to regulate your breathing, inhaling in and holding it for two before blowing the air back out and he continued to soothe you.

“That’s it. In n’ out, nice and slow…” He exhaled a relieved breath himself as he sat back to give you some space, “Jesus Christ, woman… scared the shit outta me… thought… fuck, thought you’d gotten infected or somethin’.”

With your mind now somewhat composed, you sniffled in, voice still wet. “Sorry…”

He didn’t respond initially and your face tilted back to gain sight of Tommy. His form still sprawled out unconscious across the couch, small puffs of air being breathed rhythmically through his lips.

“Y’ain’t gotta worry ‘bout him…He ain’t wakin’ for shit,” Joel’s words pierced the quiet once more, “I swear that guy could sleep through a damn air raid if one were to happen…”

You huffed a weak laugh, rolling your head so that your focus was back on Joel. He seemed different in this dim light, the orange hues of the smouldering fire warming his skin and highlighting those caramel flecks in his irises. He appeared softer…

“Thank you…” You said, “for waking me…”

He bobbed his head quietly, rubbing the heels of his palms into his eyes, “You think you’re all good?”

You nodded initially but as you observed him go to move- go to retreat back to his own mattress a small panic fizzled through you. 

Your arm flew out, fingers loosely clutching ahold of the shirt he chose to sleep in and tugging. He cocked a brow at you as he squinted back over his shoulder.

“Actually…um…” You started, suddenly feeling a little bashful about your request, “would you… could you stay? Just… just until I fall back to sleep?”

He hesitated a moment, brows drawing together tightly as he stared down at your mattress but then any argument he had thawed and instead of supplying any verbal response, he settled back down beside you.

Joel didn’t touch you, staying firmly on the other side of the mattress as he laid back, his head resting back on his arms as he stared up at the ceiling and you both fell into a comfortable silence.

The silence continued, neither of your breathing another word for an extended period of time. Your eyes were just beginning to feel heavy once more, on the verge of drifting back off when his low drawl sounded again. 

“I started gettin’ ‘em too…”

It caught you off guard and for a passing moment, you wondered if you had dreamt it. 

“Huh?”

His face rolled to the side to face you then, something sincere across his expression beginning to stare back at you. It was that very moment that you realised that your weren’t hallucinating.

“Shitty dreams.” He said flatly.

You weren’t entirely sure what was appropriate to say back. If it were Tommy, you’d ask what his nightmares were fuelled by but this was Joel and Joel was private. He didn’t appreciate anyone trying to dig for any insight on what took place within his mind and so with that in mind, what happened next only served to leave you speechless. 

“Sarah.” He said it so matter of factly, his features pinching as if speaking her name alone brought him great pain. He swallowed thickly before proceeding, “My daughter…”

Tommy’s prior warning rang an alarm within your mind. Whilst you hadn’t known her name, you weren’t supposed to know of her existence at all and so you tried your best to act surprised… or shocked… or some combination of the two. 

A half amused snort sounded from Joel as he slammed his eyes at you, “You can drop that shitty act… saw you eaves droppin’ back outside the hospital…”

He smirked a little as your expression dropped and mouth fell agape.

“You weren’t very discreet… if you were tryna t’hide, shoulda stayed in the shadows…”

You snorted yourself, allowing yourself to loosen up. It was a sad lopsided smile that formed across your lips and empathy sparkled within your eyes as you gazed back at him. You knew better by now than to push him and so instead of prying for further details you chose to give a simple condolence, “I’m sorry…”

He remained quiet for a long moment, as if he was deciding whether or not he regretted his choice in providing you with that bit of openness, that small sliver of intimate information. He let out a heavy sigh after a while, rolling onto his side to face you once more, “Alright… I’ve told you mine so who is it that haunts your dreams?”

You winced as a small stabbing pain soared through your heart. It was only fair that you opened up now… tit for tat… or whatever the saying was, “Laura… My housemate…my best friend…”

Another solemn silence took ahold. One that you felt lasted for far too long before he finally spoke up.

“I’m sorry.”

———————————————————————

By the time the dawn of a new day broke and you had awoken for a second time, Joel was missing from your side. You had panicked initially. A fear that the mention of Sarah’s name had triggered something sinister within him, that he had excused himself to finally achieve what he had been so adamant to achieve back in the barn those two months ago. You tossed yourself over, heart in your mouth but the terror soon eased as you spotted him, facing away from you and submerged beneath the quilt of his own mattress.

Nothing much changed between you and Joel during the daylight hours. He was still mostly aloof, rarely giving you anything more to work with. He never did acknowledge your nightmares and in turn you never mentioned your shared conversations that remained concealed within the moon.

But all had changed once the sun would set behind the mountain and when Tommy would fall into his impenetrable slumber. It had started by only being when you had a night terror, that he would gently wake you from your torture and lay beside you until you fell back to sleep… but your incubus’s became more frequent, almost nightly and what started with him lying beside you on top the sheets had before long morphed into him climbing beneath the sheets to comfort you.

He didn’t touch you still for a while but that changed too after some weeks upon realising that you relaxed quickest when he would wrap himself around you and hold you to his chest and if he was being completely transparent with himself, it soothed and comforted him just as much as it seemed to console you.

It was an unspoken arrangement between you, never to be acknowledged out loud nor outside of the covers of darkness. By morning, he’d always make sure to retreat back to his own mattress as if to maintain that false sense of distance. As if to prove to himself that he wasn’t becoming reliant on you… that you were still just an acquaintance because he promised himself this. Ingrained it so deeply into his brain- that his heart only had room for Tommy… that everything and anyone else had to stay out…

———————————————————————

It hadn’t even been you that had awoken him that night in late January. His own haunted dreams taunting and leaving him gasping for air as his eyes shot open and hands clutched for his heart. Another vivid image of Sarah’s demise playing out in the form of a night terror, these too had begun to happen much more frequently and each time was a version more gruesome, more bloody and more painful than the last. 

Every time he’d wake, it was as if he’d lost her all over again. All that unbridled hurt and anguish consuming his entire being for a few long minutes until his stoic resolve would come back into play and push it all down… but tonight, that resolve just wouldn’t come.

It was excruciating… it hurt so fucking bad. A new gaping void opening up within his dying heart and his body craving for it to be filled. He’d restrain normally, only come to you when you needed it, when he was in full control of his own emotions but tonight as he turned to allow himself a glimpse of you, all peaceful and soft, he couldn’t help himself.

He hesitated for just a moment before peeling the duvet from his body, and with the fire reduced to smouldering embers and its warmth dying out, the brisk air prickled at the exposed skin of his thighs and arms. There was no further time wasted as he moved from his mattress and over to yours, helping himself to the corner of your quilt and pulling it back so that he could slip in behind you as he so often did.

Part of him wondered if you would question him. Ask why he was here when you had been sleeping so peacefully for once and he wasn’t entirely sure he’d be able to provide you with a truthful answer. That he enjoyed the comfort that your warm body provided. That just as his comforted you, yours also soothed him. That he had long missed the mental bliss of sleeping next to a woman- something that he had mostly deprived himself of long before outbreak out of  respect for his young daughter.

Thankfully you said nothing. Your body submissively shifting over without him even needing to say a word as he settled himself down behind you, one of his arms snaking beneath your pillow whilst the other would lay draped within the curve of your waist and you were so warm as he pulled you back against his chest.

Each night he’d tell himself that this was platonic, that no ulterior motive was to be had because what good would that do other than to complicate this delicate dynamic? And you were so young still… so impressionable- something he had already chastised Tommy about upon learning that he had planned to take you home that night at the bar…

He’d always been mindful to keep his pelvis tilted away from your ass whilst he’d hold you within his arms, and he again tried to keep that little piece of space between you tonight as he tried his utmost to settle his thoughts and drift off. 

It wasn’t so easy to fade away when your sleepy movements had you backing up into him, the curve of your behind coming to rest so comfortably against the one part of his body that he wanted to keep separated from you and igniting a heedless desire so hot that it ached. Usually he’d refrain, be selfless and excuse himself from the temptation but the heat of your body this tight to his was almost impossible to ignore. 

It was a selfish want, one he had shoved away on so many of the nights before but the world had taken so much from him now and seemed hellbent on reminding him at every opportunity… Would it really be so bad for him to take something for himself? To be a little selfish? And so tonight, he allowed himself to indulge in that desire, to test the waters and see how far he could get, how much he could take as he let the pads of his fingers venture beneath the hem of your shirt to stroke and knead the tender exposed flesh.

It started as gentle circles against your hip before sliding his fingers down to caress the soft of your tummy. You didn’t move, didn’t fight it and the small sleepy sigh that escaped from your lips only encouraged him further.

You were so soft, so tender and he wanted it all for himself- to forget himself momentarily and drown in your heat for a brief passing minute. With a palm splayed across your lower stomach, he tugged your hips further back, a hitched breath getting caught within his throat as you brushed against him in just the right way and shit, he knew he shouldn’t be doing this… that he had no intention of dealing with any of the potential consequences but fuck it, he needed this- needed you.

Dipping his face, he allowed his lips to drag across your nape before settling at the point where your neck met your shoulder and suckling gently. His eyes almost rolled back into his skull at the small shaky moan you released, his name a trembling whisper on your tongue and sounding like a prayer.

“Mmm…Joel…”

Joel hushed you gently, fingers retreating momentarily back to your hip where they continued to massage the soft flesh as he leaned forward towards your ear, allowing the outline of his hardening crotch to grind against the meat of your ass. Leaving behind a luring kiss at the spot beneath your lobe he whispered lowly, still lucid enough to check for your permission before pushing his luck any further.

He could hear the strain in his own voice, how course it sounded as the ache between his thighs began to burn excessively- begging for a quick release, “This okay?”

You ground back into him with a needy hum of consent, your fingers clutching at the ones he had rested at your waist and tugging them back around your front and down- as if you were just as desperate for him as he was for you.

It was all the sanction he needed, his desire and need for you sky rocketing and him not having the patience to wait another second. He tugged your shirt up, large palms cupping and kneading urgently at your bare breasts as his mouth began to devour the tender flesh within the crook of your throat. You squirmed against him deliciously, so much so that he could feel the outline of your every curve against him. 

He wanted to be everywhere at once, to get greedy with you. His hands caressing, grabbing and groping at every area of exposed skin that he could possibly find as you continued to grind against him. He should have walked away at that moment, reset that boundary and maintained any semblance of distance that would still remain but he was too far gone, the crude wonder of how you might feel around his fingers or around his cock superseding any fighting stance of decency.

It was hurried the way his hand instantly dropped, fingers looping beneath the lace waistband to rip your panties down your thighs, as if his body was desperate to cross  that irreversible line before his carnal state of mind faltered into something tame and made him see sense. 

Joel’s hand dipped between your legs, digits seeking out the hotness of your apex and longing to feel the evidence of whatever effect that it was he was having on you. He didn’t need to search for long, expertly finding your already slicked up core and dragging the pads of his digits up through your folds to smear your wetness around your clit.

The noise you made was obscene as your body lurched forwards, cunt pressing down into his open palm as if begging for more. His chest was ragged, heart battering against his sternum with the anticipation of what was to come. You were so willing- so pliable- as if you didn’t know how to say ‘no’ to him. 

You lewdly moaned out loud again and perhaps it only sounded so lusty to his ears due to your currently exposed position with the risk of being caught. Joel suddenly remembered the presence of his brother being just feet away and the thought of him being awoken by your shared carnalities sent a wave of unwanted nausea crashing through him. He acted quick, the arm still resting beneath your head curling up to clamp across your parted lips.

“Shh, shhh, shhh. Can’t be makin’ all that noise, pretty girl. Can’t have you wakin’ Tommy up…”

He kept his clutch firmly in place around your face as his other then pushed a single finger through your saturated flesh. Pumping in and out, it was easy to become lost in you. Your aching need for him dripping down the heel of his palm as you rode his hand, your tight plushy walls squeezing around his digit and if he was more patient, he would have drove you to your climax and further opened you up for him.

But this, tonight wasn’t ever intended for solely your pleasure, you were just there and willing at the right, or perhaps wrong time. This, what he was doing was for his own benefit, to satisfy his own burning desires. It was selfish, foolish and formed from a desperate need of a distraction. Something to tire him out so he could sleep easy. Having you come undone around his fingers would do nothing to achieve that.

Pulling his fingers from inside you and sucking them clean, Joel headily tugged down his own underwear, in too much of a damn hurry to even think about properly shucking them off. 

Wrapping his grip around his solid length he fisted himself once, twice and in any normal circumstance he perhaps would have thought twice before entering a new woman without any form of protection but his head was gone, his mind one tracked and set on you and in turn, such caution didn’t so much as make an appearance in his careless thoughts.

The soft feeble whimpers that fluttered from your lips as he dragged his head through your swollen folds were delectable, a melody to his ears that only egged him on.

He knew what he truly wanted to do to you - what he now craved as the entirety of his blood has successfully rushed south but still within him was enough integrity left to not act on that deprived thought. To man handle you into position and fuck you without mercy, to fill you with his release and ensure you still felt him within your guts for days to come… but he wouldn’t be that thoughtless- not when he knew that he shouldn’t be here at all.

Instead he gently guided himself into you, his tip pressing through any resistance to make room for the rest of his length and he allowed his eyes to drift shut and for his senses to take over.

Relishing in the little quiet squeaks you were trying so hard to contain, the taste of your essence still lingering sweetly on his tongue, the feel of your insanely tight little channel opening up so beautifully around him and your were so goddamn soft.

Sinking into you had been everything he had ever hoped for, everything he had dreamed about- no matter how wrong it was. The way your arousal coated his sensitive tip as he glided through you, the way your walls squeezed so sensationally around his length as he sheathed each and every inch within you. How it lifted all the weighted burdens from his heart, and vaporised every troublesome thought. He wanted to make this last, wanted to give you his all, needed to feel you come undone around him, yearned for this feeling to last indefinitely.

There was no way in heaven or hell that you had ever been intended for his little brother, not when you made him feel like this. Sent by the gods to punish him but he’d get his own back by using you as a perfect sin. You were always meant to be his fallen angel, his sweet escape.

He paused for an enraptured second as he rolled his head back and breathed the ecstasy in, his hips fitted so tightly against curve of your ass that the entirety of his cock was enclosed perfectly within you whilst you pulsated so sweetly around him. It was enough to make him forget entirely; that he could never allow you to become his. That this was just a fleeting moment in time as he used your body as a pretty distraction from the torture of his thoughts and guilt. His gentle arms encased your vulnerable frame so dotingly as his lips tenderly pressed against the delicate skin behind your ear and so quietly he whispered,

“That’s it …Promise I’ll look after ya, Sisi…”

“Fuck, Sisi…Feels so good. So goddamn good to me, little Sisi…”

Sisi. Sisi. Sisi.

Chapter Text

You were barely conscious, mind still dazed and lids so serenely heavy as you felt him settle down behind you. His palm gently touching your waist and his steady breath fanning upon the back of your neck only soothed you further. You scooted your sleep ridden body over a few inches to allow him more space on the mattress, only to immediately be pulled back into the warmth of his solid chest. It didn't unnerve you... nothing he would do during these late hours ever did. You saw him as a comfort. Joel was safe.

None of this was truly out of the ordinary. He'd find his way into your sheets more often than not these days-or well, nights- to provide you with repose. You had carefully learned the sound of his steps, became familiar with the grounding hold of his arms around you and the rhythmic thump of his heart. You no longer needed to open your eyes to know that it was him; you just knew. 

The only difference tonight brought was that you couldn't recall your incubus... there had been no contorted images of Laura, your mother nor anybody else you once cared for tormenting your burdened mind- there hadn't been for days now and yet... he was still here, climbing beneath your sheets to cradle your figure against him.

There had been no attempts of conversation either as his arm snaked beneath your head and the other curled over your waist. The whispered chats were common to begin with, as if the obsidian of total sundown concealed the words he spoke. It had been a silent agreement that whatever you told one another wasn't to be brought up again. 

He still didn't tell you all that much about Sarah... only that she was twelve, had been shot during outbreak and that he had been a single father for most of her life. He did open up about his ex wife a little one night- not divulging much but just enough to give you a glimpse of who he once was and what he'd been through... You provided him with snippets too. Telling him about your mother and how you came to end up in Austin.

On other occasions, he didn't want to talk at all- the memories being all too consuming and painful to bring up. Those nights you would simply lay in silence, wrapped within each others arms until you fell back to sleep... You hadn't really spoken properly in almost two weeks. You liked hearing him talk, his low smooth drawl being spoken just for you acted like a sedative- something that instantly put you into a state of ease but just his presence beside you alone had always been just enough.

You hoped yours was enough for him... The nights of silence always seeming to correspond with his own terrors. Neither of you acknowledged them, not in the way he did with yours. On those nights where in which you had been spared from your demons, where he wouldn't seek you out, you'd hear him suffer in solidarity. Tossing, turning, twitching and mumbling to be eventually awoken with a harsh gasp of reality... not that reality was much better... 

You had approached him once, the first time- just as he had with you- for him to instantly reject your advances with feral eyes and a growl of warning. Again, you never discussed it.

But on those nights where he laid beside you, you couldn't help but notice that those same spectres were less violent. It seemed to be the turning point also. From where he once would keep a sliver of space between you to now, where he'd not be satisfied until he could feel your warmth within his hold.

You presumed tonight was as a result of yet another one of his own ephialtes, a particularly horrific one you would assume. He'd never sought you out before for himself but you wouldn't question him. You'd allow him to take whatever he needed just as he had with you.

A contented sigh escaped from your lungs as you settled yourself against him, finding how your body best slotted into his. His arm squeezed affectionately around you as a relieved puff of air blew onto the back of your neck and a small sweet smile curved to your lips.

It shaped and altered over time, the way you looked at Joel. He had been nothing more than Tommy's asshole brother at the very beginning; unpredictable and harsh, but then you saw the efficiency and strength he harboured. How that and his ruthlessness had saved not just yours but Tommys skin too on a number of occasions and shit, it stirred something within you. It was attractive... he was attractive. However, it was the start of these nights that really propelled these otherwise ignorable stirrings; this softer, gentler side to him.  This mellow version of Joel that appeared to be reserved solely for you. His mild touches and a hold that felt like a weighted security blanket around you, that alongside his satiny Texan accent and the steady thump of his heart against your back and well, you quickly became smitten... infatuated, actually. 

It was during those nights that your youthful innocence would take control, where you would close your eyes and pretend that you belonged to one another. It was easy to imagine when he embraced you the way his did... Even though come dawn he wouldn't even so much as look at you unless he had something to say.

You had almost fallen back into your peaceful slumber when you felt the pads of his fingers slowly begin to explore your waist. Them gently slipping under the hem of your shirt to trace lazy patterns of swirls onto the exposed skin. Your surroundings felt hazy, as if your body had entered some kind of spiritual dream like state between the grounds of consciousness and sleep.

His delicate touches traveled south, caressing and kneading at the tender flesh of your stomach, his tips just grazing the waist band of your underwear. You did nothing to stop him. The rough of his callouses catching on the smooth of your velvety skin set you alight at once, something pleasant beginning to bubble and tingle between your thighs. 

You hadn't been touched in so long, unable to even find the privacy to spend ten minutes to get off on your own fingers. Your body craved it, that primal attention, all hot and desperate.

It had been an unsolicited action, the way in which your figure stretched and flexed against him. A shaky enamoured breath flowed from within your lungs and you felt his own hitch as you pressed your ass firmly back into his crotch. The authoritative hand splayed across the lower part of your abdomen held you right there in place, refusing to let you go, pinning you to him. You could feel the solid outline of him throbbing into your cheek, all hard, all thick and gush of something heated washed over you like a tidal wave, leaving your head light and body tingling with want. You tried to squirm away from it but the sensation was inescapable, insatiable and there was only ever going to be one remedy.

Then his hot lips were wet on your nape, all soft, tender and careful as they dragged languidly across your shoulder blade before pausing to nibble and suckle on that sweet spot behind your jaw as he swept the tangle of your brunette hair to one side. It felt as if your entire being was vibrating from the anticipation he provided, your mind drowning in lust, all messy and high. 

It was new, this. An uncharted territory. Never had he touched you or insinuated his desire to before tonight. You didn't know what this was, what the consequences may be nor what it may lead to but so long as it was him, Joel, that was taking it from you, you had no intentions of stopping him. If he required it, if it would offer him any kind of solace, then he could have it. You'd so willingly become his happy place, his piece of heaven waiting for him at the end of each day... he had unknowingly already become yours.

It was as if you had lost all control of your body, it acting purely on reflex as his name rolled off your lips so fluently, so salaciously beneath his touch.

It burned deliciously, the small patch of skin above your collar as he pulled the flesh between his teeth and sucked in response. It springing sorely back into place before he soothed the tenderness with a kiss so gentle. The kisses then trailed, all delicate and soft until his lips were just beneath your ear, the warmth of his breath sending another euphoric shudder tingling its way down your spine.

"This okay?"

And fuck, his voice. It sounded so hoarse and gravelly and shit, you couldn't even bring yourself to comprehend an intelligible answer as its reverberation travelled straight to your core. You tried, you really did but all that came out was a needy, breathy hum. In the events that you hadn't been clear enough you circled your hips, grinding back onto him and it appeared that then, your message had been understood loud and clear.

Joels lips were back on your neck within the second; all wanting, wet and desperate as he devoured you. His pelvis thrusted into your ass as his hands frantically searched your body. He tugged your shirt up completely, it's hem resting at the top of your chest and leaving you totally exposed to him if it weren't for the duvet that still remained draped over you both. The warmth of his large hands felt delicious as they roamed your taut torso; grazing over your cotton covered mound, massaging the flesh of your stomach before grabbing at your soft tits and kneading them within his palms.

He was everywhere but the one place your body needed him as you writhed within his embrace. Small breathy whimpers escaping you as you rubbed your thighs together in some desperate attempt for relief. You could feel it, between the gusset of your panties and the heat of your cunt, the sticky patch of moisture forming. There was no real understanding of the effect that this man was having on you, but no part of you wanted it to cease.

You grabbed at Joel's wrist, pulling and tugging until his hand dropped abruptly. His fingers forcing their way beneath the elasticated waistband before dragging the flimsy piece of obstructing fabric down your thighs. He hadn't even pulled them all the way off, them bunched at your knees like a loose restraint before he then dove straight back into your bared apex.

The way he so expertly located your sensitive button was pleasant shock to the system, your limited experience only going as far as a few novice boys from college who always seemed to uselessly prod at your left flap for a couple of minutes before giving up completely... but Joel? It had not even been thirty damn seconds of him teasing your slit and using your own slick to stimulate your clit and your legs were already trembling.

He pressed the fat pad of his thumb down and your entire body jerked forward off its own accord as a zingy spark jolted through your abdomen.

"F-fuck!" You weren't even sure how loud you proclaimed it and with Joel's hand still between your thighs, you weren't entirely sure that you had it in you to care.

You groaned once more, rubbing yourself against his fingers; relishing in the sinful sensation it brought. Your glossy eyes flew open as the arm beneath your head flexed, trapping you between his chest and bicep whilst his other hand clamped over your keening mouth.

"Shh, shhh, shhh. Can't be makin' all that noise, pretty girl. Can't have you wakin' Tommy up..."

Tommy's presence had long escaped your mind, so riled up by an insatiable hunger that his close yet oblivious proximity and your current surroundings hadn't once been considered as you remained to try and get yourself off on his brothers fingers. 

With your lips still muffled beneath his firm holding palm, he didn't wait a further beat before sinking his index finger into your heat. Slowly pumping in and out, curling up into that sensitive spongey spot and the bliss began to once again build within and the sensation of finally having something to clench around was entirely consuming.

Your eyes squeezed closed with a lustful hum as his pace picked up, another digit pushed into you with little resistance and the lewd sound of your arousal coating him entered your ears. You were so close, teetering just on the edge as your vision began to speckle and ears ring.

You sucked in a sharp breath as he ripped his fingers from within you so suddenly, the duvet being pulled back with his departure to allow the cold winter air to target the mass of wet that clung to your skin and caused you to grip tensely around nothing.

The brisk air being such a shock had you clamming up, the discomfort taking you out of the moment for a brief moment as you squeezed your thighs together in a bid to retain at least some of that warmth. 

The cold didn't last long, with Joel's chest being pressed back against your spine and you could feel how his heart pounded, the carnal adrenaline driving through his veins with each beat. 

He guided himself to you, his warm slicked up head notched against your entrance as he lined up his thrust. 

It was the first thought that came to your mind as you felt him between your legs, even with just a nudge of his tip against your folds, he did not feel small by any means. You tried to gear yourself up, sucking in a steady breath but nothing could prepare you as he began to apply pressure, edging into you slowly.

The sting was eye watering, tears welling at your lash line as your hand flew back to grip at his thigh whilst he continued to steadily force himself inside you.

You could have asked him to stop. You should have done just that but you wouldn't... you wanted this... wanted him. You'd be embarrassed to admit the amount of times you had fantasised about this very moment whilst he had obliviously cradled you within his arms. You weren't about to blow what could be your only chance to have him.

Instead you allowed your nails to dig into the meat of his thigh, your eyes scrunching closed and your teeth gritting. The pain wouldn't last... it wouldn't last... you just needed to get on with it. You'd done this plenty of times before, you knew how it would work- it'd ease up... He was just a little bigger and thicker that what you had previously experienced...

With one small pained whimper you pressed yourself back onto his cock, feeling each inch of his length sinking deep within you until he was fully sheathed.

You could barely breath, your cunt filled to capacity. He hadn't even moved and yet you could feel him within your stomach.  

Trying a shaky breath, you willed yourself to relax. Feeling the fiery burn of your stretched out channel beginning to gradually ease you found yourself clenching around him. 

Sensitive and sore you rocked back that final inch to feel his pubic bone pressed flat to your ass. Despite the hurt burning within you, you began to pull off- just an inch or two before pushing back once more.

You could hear his ragged breathing evening out, his arms curling back around you. The one beneath you wrapping around your throat whilst the other curved around your chest. Another series of open mouth kisses being pressed against your neck and shoulder as he began to snap his hips off his own accord.

Pulling out half way before pushing back in to the hilt. His first couple of strokes were agonising, the sting of his sudden presence taking away from the pleasure that you usually felt.

You found yourself wincing, biting down on your lip with each movement he made... but you were a big girl, you weren't a quitter. He needed you right now and when had he ever made a fuss over the many times that you needed him? You owed him this... You wanted this...

Gradually the burn eased as you slicked up around him, his cock beginning to glide through you with a lubricated ease and with every steady snap of his hips you began to enjoy him that bit more. 

He adjusted his angle, slipping into you that little bit deeper and did so in such a way that his strokes dragged against every soft sensitive part of your insides. It wasn’t long before you became lost in the moment, consumed by the rapture and your only thoughts being that of the way he felt inside of you.

The focus you had on the combination of pain, bliss and your inner thoughts were promptly ripped away from the very second he opened his mouth; a gentle whisper breathed into the shell of your ear.

"That's it ...Promise I'll look after ya, Sisi..."

You felt your heart lurch and for a moment you convinced yourself that you must have misheard him because... because why would he call you that? You introduced yourself as Selina. Lina, if they wanted to shorten it. At no point had you ever mentioned the name 'Sisi'... not even during your late night chats. That name was dead, sacred and to never be used a-

Joel picked up his pace, arms squeezing around you as your eyes rolled back into your skull. Every thrust now felt like ecstasy, him hitting all the right spots as he drove into you and obstructing  your thoughts completely in their tracks.

"Fuck, Sisi...Feels so good. So goddamn good to me, little Sisi..."

Sisi. Sisi. Sisi.

You hadn't misheard... not a single word and if it were anybody else then they would have been faced with your wrath. But it wasn't 'anybody else'... it was Joel... The man whose attention you craved. The man that was currently fucking every last bit of sense from your body.

You attempted to respond, attempted to tell him to call you anything but, but as you opened your mouth, the only sound that was produced was a wanton cry as he stroked a spot that you don't think had ever been touched before.

The muscles in your abdomen wound tight, a heat so scalding that it bubbled and in that very moment, you’d give whatever that man wanted. He wanted to call you Sisi whilst you were his? Fuck it, he could have the name. He could whisper it into your ear for the rest of your damn life if it meant you would feel like this. Because this, the high that was currently coursing through you? That feeling alone was enough to supersede any amount of fear and torture... Perhaps a positive connotation is exactly what you needed...

You clenched around his pounding length, your entire body buzzing with bliss as sparks of white exploded beneath your lids. It was like a wave rolling in and breaking to crash its release, it's beautiful aftermath then continuing to ripple through to the shore. 

"Agh... Good girl... good girl, that's it... fuck." He praised, hips unrelenting.

Your body fell limp. All boneless and blissed-out as you sunk into the warmth that was him and allowed for him to continue to drive.

He only managed a few more precise thrusts before you could feel him begin to falter. His hips stuttering and movements becoming sloppy. A sudden concern deluged over you as Joel displayed no intention of slowing down, one that you hadn't really had to worry yourself over before with the existence of contraceptives...

"D-don't... not in me...." Broken slurred mumbles between his hard thrusts were all you could manage.

He hushed you gently, his thumb stroking your cheek whilst continuing to pound into you.

"I'm not- not... not gonna do that to ya..."

Once more, twice more and he ripped himself from within you, his cock pushed between your closed thighs as it began to pulse and twitch, releasing his hot spend over your flesh.

Your mouth felt dry, sweat clinging to your skin as you floated down from your high. Joel's arms remained to embrace you, his dampened forehead dropping to press against the back of your neck as he caught his breath. A single delicate kiss was then placed on the ridge of the vertebrae at your nape, as if to provide you with a silent 'thank you' before he tugged you back that bit more into his chest.

No words were spoken after, no pillow talk and very little acknowledgment of what had just taken place. Instead, he snuggled you in beneath his chin, his fingers continuing to draw pretty patterns onto your skin as he urged both you and himself to sleep.

There were no terrors for the remainder of that night. No demons strong enough to penetrate into this little blissful bubble you both created for one another. You slept deeply and soundly for what felt like the first time in forever... he promised his Sisi that he'd look after her and that’s exactly what he did as you found your home within his arms.

You awoke with the new dawns first rays, it's bright golden beam streaming in through the threadbare blinds and into your blinded eyes. With a dull ache laying heavy within your stomach and a discomfort between your thighs you stirred, reaching out for the man behind you only for your hand to slap down onto the stone cold mattress. With his cum still dried to the skin of your thighs and the memory of his warmth ingrained into your mind, he still retreated back to his own bed to leave you alone.

Joel was always gone come morning...but you told yourself time and time again that you didn’t care because he always came back for you. 

Chapter Text

January 2004

The icy ground crunched beneath your boots, the undisturbed colourless fluff compacting under your weight to leave behind a pattern of your trail. The navy blue thermal socks that you located in the main master bedroom had certainly become well loved during these baltic months as they snugly encased your feet on your little outings, those and the abundance of mountain climbing attire that Tommy had found in boxes up in the attic. The boots had been a size too big but your socks padded them out just enough to prevent your achilles from blistering- they were more practical than the ratty old converse's that you had now retired until spring broke.

Crouching down, you could feel the cold radiate though your jeans and onto your knees from the snowy layer that you hovered over. The brisk air burned your lungs as you sucked in a breath to then release it as a deflated sigh. Another empty trap.... The third one this morning with only four more to check...

"Woah! Watch it- that one's snappy!" Tommy called out from behind as your hand ventured near the snare to just readjust it a little.

You snapped your head around to face him, arm frozen. Tommy paced a few steps towards you and displayed his middle finger that sported a scabbed up wound, "That one caught me the other day... fuckin' hurt."

"Jeez, no need to swear at me." You winked before glancing between him and the trap.

He sneered light-heartedly then spoke again, "Just leave it. Don't think changin' the angle will do much... it's effective, we know that," Tommy wiggled his healing finger once more, "just ain't anythin' coming near it." 

He stepped behind the contraption and scuffed his boot into the slightly buried scattering of trail mix that had been left out as a lure, "Bait ain't even been touched..."

The past month had been rough... The snow fall had been persistent but intermittent in the same breath. Falling for a solid twenty four hours at a time and then nothing for a couple of days after but yet the climate was so brisk that the flurried terrain wouldn't melt- that is where the concern laid firm. It wasn't that the three of you were snowed in, not at all... It was the fact that you had become trackable. If a scout was sent to the nearby town and god forbid there were other hostile occupants along route, they would find you with ease, the trail of boots leading straight to your front door. It wasn't worth it, not when the snow wasn't falling fast nor hard enough to cover your prints in a timely manner.

This was the exact reason you were both out here. The benefit of your location meant that the house backed onto a woodland that lead up into the mountains behind and with your stock now almost non existent and with no other current sources of protein, the three of you had been left with no other option but to hunt. 

You say the three of you but this outing had actually been your first... Usually it being Tommy or Joel to set and check the traps and then dismember and gut whatever prey had been caught. It wasn't that you were overly keen on getting involved with that side of things- you actually hadn't a clue what you were doing but god, you had been going fucking stir crazy whilst stuck inside those four walls for weeks on end. You were eager for fresh air, to go anywhere other than the greenhouse in the back yard.

It was colder than you expected, being out in this climate. You weren't used to the way the cold bit at your nose and turned your cheeks rosy... You don't think you had ever seen the temperature drop so low back at home nor in Austin for that matter. Your teeth chattered as you hugged your arms around your chest and kept walking.

"S'the matter? Can't handle the cold, Angel?" Tommy teased, that taunting little smirk to his lips.

"Oh, fuck off," You quipped, "Like you aren't freezing your tits off, right now."

He grinned at you, rubbing his hands together, "Never said I wasn't. I just ain't being all dramatic about it."

You'd formed quite the bond with Tommy over the months and you'd said it before; Tommy was just easy. Easy to talk to, easy to get along with- he'd become your friend- like an actual friend and not just some forced relationship as a result of being shoved together in tight confinement. You'd laugh and joke and the friendly banter had become a key element of your budding friendship.

"Whatever, Cowboy..." You gibed before glancing at the scenery around you. It was comparable to that of the pictures printed onto festive cards. Elongated icicles hanging from thick beaches and glistening in the sun, thick heaps of fluffy white weighting down the leaves and something almost magical in the way that true winter presented itself. It was almost magical, like some fantasy world. You felt yourself soften in wonder... winter never looked like this in Memphis. You'd occasionally get the odd flurry in the colder months but the pristine glow of it had usually turned into a murky slush by the end of the day and melted away by the next... cons of living in the city... "It's so pretty... I've not ever seen winter like this..."

Tommy's eyes too gazed over the scenery, taking it in with a small smile appearing, "Y'know I never even saw snow in the flesh 'til I left Texas..."

"Really?"

"Yeah," He scratched at his chin, "Occasionally had sleet but yeah.... Snow just wasn't a thing..." He then shrugged the wonder away, "Got sent to fuckin' Norway for a training exercise once... was sick of the shit by the time we finished."

"How old were you?" You asked quietly, bumping your shoulder against his arm as you made your way to trap number four.

"Was eighteen still at that point..." His brow furrowed, eyes dropping to the ground, "Was just after my nineteenth that I was shipped out to Bosnia..."

You nodded delicately and linked your arm through his, sensing how his mood deflated, "Bet that was tough..."

"It was... yeah..."

"What made you do it?" You asked, "as in join?"

"Wanted to make my Ma proud..." Tommy shrugged, scrunching his nose as he looked up and ahead. You felt a heavy ache in your heart. He paused for a second as if to spare a moment to remember his mother, "also wanted to make a difference in the world, do some good, ya know? But it didn't make me feel that way... didn't feel like I was servin' my country at all... just felt like I was fightin' other peoples battles... people too important and rich to fuckin' fight themselves..."

"That's most wars for you..." You said quietly squeezing onto his arm that little more.

—————————————————————————

Trap five and six were both again non starters, one being completely untouched whilst the other had been set off but what ever it had been that triggered it was nowhere to be seen- an escapee.

You wandered into a small clearing about half a mile away from the house, both feeling more than a bit flattened by your lack of luck on this sad attempt at a hunt. 

"Joel moved both five n' six around here last time... said it's where we caught the pheasant and also the duck from the other week." Tommy said.

The traps were checked upon and reset every few days; two days ago saw Joel return back with a pheasant and a couple of squirrels. You could remember him mentioning that the area seemed to be well populated. It made sense to lay out more traps.

Tommy pointed towards some prickly overgrowth a few feet away, some mixture of hawthorn and young juniper tangled together by vines of unruly brambles, "The dead fall is set up just behind that, if you wanna go ahead and check it out..." His brows furrowed as he began scanning the branches and vegetation on the opposite site of the clearing, "I... gotta find where in the hell Joel set up this snare..."

"Good luck with that." You quipped, setting off towards your designated trap.

"Remind me to bollock him on his descriptiveness... between the tree and that mossy rock he said... I can see fuckin' four rocks and a hundred fuckin' trees..."

You scoffed incredulously, "You ain't gonna bollock him, ha."

"Watch me." He winked, flashing you a toothy smirk.

"Whatever you say. I'll be watching on the sidelines with my popcorn ready," you winked right back.

The trap was right in there, in the midst of the overgrowth and surrounded by pointy branches and spiked thorns. You winced and hissed as you pushed your way through it, the skin of your legs being pricked despite the layer of protective denim they were clad in.

"Uh...Tommy!" You called out with an uncertainty to your tone upon setting your eyes on the fallen slab of rock.

"What?"

Your focus landed on what was trapped directly beneath it. Sure the trap worked alright... it just didn't appear to finish the job. A pair of black shiny eyes stared right back at you, all wide and panicked. The critters heart pounding so fast that it's body shook. You felt a little bit sick.

"Tommy, just get over here will you?!"

The small rabbit had fallen victim to your lure of a sweet tinned carrot, taking what it assumed to be an easy meal to only be paralysed in the process. It must have sensed the branch giving way, tried to flee before getting caught. Though, it didn't appear to move away fast enough... the heavy weight of the rock toppling down and crushing the base of its spine. Not enough to kill it but just enough so that it couldn't get away...

You could feel the warmth of Tommy appear at your back, the sound of branches snapping as he pushed his way through.

"What, Lina? What's up?"

"Look," You pointed towards the triggered deadfall, "What do we do?"

"Ah shit..." He said with a sigh, fingers scratching through the stubble that was in well need of another trim as he settled on the poor creature, "Gonna have to put it out of its misery..."

Your eyes widened as you turned to face him, "Huh?"

Tommy raised his brows, "We're gonna have to kill it..."

"But we might be able to save it!" You tried to bargain, "W-we could take it back and warm it up and try and help it."

He shook his head looking past you, "There ain't no savin' it, Lina. It's half fuckin' crushed- it won't survive and we gotta eat." He sighed, "C'mon..."

"I can't..." It felt like such a stupid thing to get upset over at the end of the world, your voice breaking and pitching just a little, "It's a bunny..."

"It's gonna die a slow death if we don't..." He tried to reason with you.

You sniffled, a combination of both the cold air and the conflict of taking a life coming into play. Eating meat was fine- eating the meat that the two brothers brought home was fine- so long as you didn't think too much about it. "You sound just like Joel..."

"No I don't..." Tommy tutted, face twisted in repulse.

You turned your head, focusing off to a random tree to your right, unable to look at the crippled rabbit any longer. "Yeah...you do. Did just then, anyway." 

"I take offence to that, y'know." He raised his brows in false seriousness. An expression that you could now easily read between the lines of.

Still refusing to look him in the eye you shrugged, folding your arms across your chest and scrunching your nose, "Good."

Tommy sighed, loosely gesturing his arm towards an area out of sight and letting his shot gun fall loose from his shoulder, "Go on... go stand over there. I'll take care of it."

"You're not gonna shoot it, are you?" Your eyes widened in alarm, snapping up to him.

"Hell no," He snorted in response. Tommy jostled the firearm of which that he now held the strap of within his hand, "A bullet from this thing will blow the poor bastard to bits. Can't make no rabbit stew with no rabbit."

"So how are you planning to do it?"

Tommy could sense the genuine concern within your tone, the way your eyes pleaded with him. Taunting you further just seemed cruel. His face softened, "I'm just gonna clean break its neck. No blood, no gore. He won't even know it's happenin’ n' then he'll be outta pain...Poor little fella's probably in agony right now."

You nodded stiffly, your attention shifting towards your toes once more. Slowly you turned and made to walk off in the direction that Tommy had initially pointed in. You glanced back over your shoulder after two steps, "Please don't let it suffer longer than necessary... make it quick."

He gave you a sensitive half smile, "I promise."

—————————————————————————-

The half- dead rabbit had been the only stroke of luck during your outing, the remaining traps all completely untouched albeit being coated in a fresh dusting of ivory crystals. You both walked side by side, the rabbit slung over Tommy's shoulder. Your ice caked boots traipsing through the thick colourless shroud, the biting breeze seeping in and setting a chill deep within your bones. Tommy was right. The snow did get old real quick, all that previous awe and wonder gone with the wind. You were sick of the fucking stuff.

The house coming into sight after four long hours  of being out in the open was like a breath of warm comforting air as opposed to fresh. You were very much done with fresh air for the day and questioning why you ever felt like you were going stir crazy.

Tommy stretched the furry cadaver out and laid it down onto the melamine workbench within the garage. The dimming light as dusk crept in meant you both needed to work fast, the brick walls obstructing the freezing draft and heating the temperature by a few measly degree but doing very little to warm the iciness that clung to your flesh.

Your teeth chattered, desperate to curl up within your duvet in front of the fire, "Still need me?"

"Yeah," Tommy nodded, whilst parting the Lagomorphs dense fur, "It's gon' be dark in a short minute. Wanna get this done whilst I can still see what I'm doin'," He jutted his chin towards the wall ahead, "Can you grab me that huntin' knife? The one hung on the hook?"

Nodding you went to retrieve it, your limbs quivering as you did.

"What's gotta happen first?" You asked, still a complete novice when it came to hunting. You handed the sharpened blade to him.

"Well," He started, "Need to get all this fur off it first- gotta skin it."

You'd learned recently from one of your late night chats with Joel that their uncle used to take them both small game hunting as teenagers- one of the rare occasions where in which he'd opened up to you a little about his life. 

You hummed scrunching your nose, "Don't think I'm gonna be the next Joan Crawford with that..."

Tommy's brows furrowed as he began to line the knife up, "Yeah... ain't makin' no fur coat with this... a sock though, maybe..." 

You snorted, "A fur sock?"

"Yeah," A small restrained chuckle escaped from him, "but like... just one. One fur sock..." He prodded at the small animal, "Yeah, I reckon you could fit your foot in that..."

Dear lord, you were going delirious. Holding back the laughter was near on impossible, it catching within your throat as you tried to speak, "Oh my god, that sounds like some awful fucking foot fetish thing."

"Yeah... it does," Tommy all but spluttered, he chewed his lip into a more serious expression, "Y'know, though... I bet some fucker would pay a fair amount of dolla to see that..."

"Selina Harris," You cast your palm in a line above your head, as if displaying it on a billboard, "The first post-apocalyptic self made millionaire... it has a nice ring to it."

"Hey, Lina?" Tommy's lips presented into a cracking smirk, "Why do people with foot fetish's never win?"

"Oh god," you groaned, "why?"

He was already snickering before even delivering the punch line, "because they like the taste of defeat."

That was it. The pair of you breaking down into heap of hysterical laughter, clutching onto one another as you hopelessly tried to pull yourselves together but only feeding off of one another's delirium as a result.

"Jesus... You're losin' it," He tittered, wiping his damp eyes with the back of his hand.

You elbowed him playfully, "Fuck you, you're losin' it!"

You both creased up some more, unable to shake this curse of the giggles. Was it even that funny? It sure as hell felt like it in the moment.

"Alright, alright, we're both losin' it," Tommy took several deep breaths to ground himself, reeling the atmosphere back in, "Shit, c'mon. Let's hurry up with this so we can eat it. Feel like I'm goin' nutty from lack of food."

"Pshh, don't blame it on hunger, Tommo. We're all mad, here." 

You were actually surprisingly okay with the skinning process, it being much less bloody than what you initially anticipated. You were convinced that Tommy only wanted you around for company, you providing very little use other than holding the knife occasionally and grabbing the waste bucket.

It was the gutting that had the colour draining from your cheeks. You were not squeamish, not usually. You had watched a number of procedures as apart of your college placement but nothing could quite prepare you for the way that Tommy rammed his hand into the cavity of the little animal and quite literally scooped out it's insides, intestines dangling from between his fingers.

You heaved, "That... that's fucking disgusting."

Yet you couldn't take your eyes away from the scene, blood and some other bodily fluids dribbling down his wrist.

"Lina, bucket..." Tommy refused to look at what he was holding, "Lina, get the bucket."

An organ of some sort slipped from his palm and splatted down onto the concrete floor and the smell... oh lord, it was pungent- repulsive. You wretched, doubling over whilst your empty stomach dry heaved, unable to regurgitate anything.

"Lina, get the damn bucket!" Tommy begged.

You grabbed the metal bowl and all but tossed it towards him whilst clutching your stomach still. Even closing your eyes and swallowing thickly wasn't enough to drown out the sound of the innards slopping heavily into its base.

"Open your eyes, ya fanny," You heard him taunt, "T's all in the bucket."

You flashed him a snide smile. One that narrowed your eyes as you mocked him, putting on your best Texan accent, "Get the bucket, Lina. Get the damn bucket."

You didn't flinch quick enough as Tommy dunked his hand back within the bucket and flicked its residue in your direction, a gory concoction smattering across your cheeks.

"Ew! Tommy! What the fuck, man?" You gasped in horror, a chunky giblet dripping from the tip of your nose and landing between your feet. You looked down, the nausea rising back within your stomach, "That... oh, I'm so getting you back for that. Better watch your back, Tommy boy!"

He was almost in tears, all his laughter at your expense as he then pulled out the hide you'd fallen apart over just thirty minutes earlier, "The socks would really make the picture right now... shit, your face is cracking me up!"

You heard the internal door of the garage creak open, your narrowed glare not leaving your menace of a friend as he beamed towards the opening.

"What'ya think Joel? Wouldn't she look great in a pair of fur socks?"

"Sock." You reluctantly corrected.

Joel's mouth remained agape, his eyes narrowing in both disgust and bafflement as he glanced from Tommy to your grume splattered face. He made no comment on whatever it was he had just walked into.

"You nearly done?" He cleared his throat, eyes falling to the dropped spleen that still remained by the leg of the workbench, "Jesus, the hell you been doin'? T's like a damn massacre in here..."

Tommy was quick to respond, dropping the skin back into the bucket, "Yeah, uh... still gotta clean up. Won't be long."

Joel gave an uncertain nod toward his brother before than casting his attention onto you with a certain amount of discomfort as he awkwardly scratched at the back of his neck, "I...uh... heated up some water ready... Figured you'd wanna bath to warm up or...clean up..."

Your expression softened somewhat, although the muscles in your face remained tense. Finding yourself caught off guard by the unusually thoughtful gesture and unsure of how to respond in Tommy's close proximity. You smiled stiffly, "Oh...That... that's real kind. Thank you, Joel."

He gave you a small nod before Tommy jumped in, "What about me? Jeez. Swear t’god my balls have turned fuckin’ purple after bein’ out there all damn day!"

Joel huffed, turning his back to return to the main house, "Ain't no one stoppin' you from usin' the water after her..."

The door clicked shut and you kept your focus locked onto it, sensing Tommy's eyes already on you curiously. You tried not to grimace.

"The hell was that??" Tommy exclaimed, "Fucker ran you a hot goddamn bath! How'd ya manage to get him to do that?"

"Lukewarm..." You muttered quietly, "and he's just being nice, I guess..."

"Alright. Sorry. He ran you a fucking lukewarm bath!" He corrected himself, his expression a picture of bewilderment, "That man ain't done a single thing out of the kindness of his damn heart  since this shit all started."

You shrugged, hoping Tommy would just drop the topic and move on, "Oh, I don't know... the man's an enigma..."

You did know... Or at least you believed you did...

Tommy's next question came out so directly, so abruptly despite the slight humorous tone that it knocked all and any thought straight from your mind, "You suckin' his dick or somethin'? ‘Cause seriously... I don't think I've ever seen-"

You choked on the words, frantically fighting to interrupt him from going any further, "What the fuck Tommy? Of course I'm not!"

It wasn't a lie... You hadn't sucked his dick. In fact, no intimate part of him had been anywhere near your lips or tongue since that night months ago in the Costco parking lot...but whilst that was the truth, it didn't necessarily mean that your escapade from a few weeks ago had been just a mere one off. Not at all, it had been very far from it. The sex had become a regularity ever since, a way to escape, a way to enjoy one another. It would happen a few nights a week... sometimes even nightly, where he'd settle down behind you and touch you like you'd never been touched before. 

He'd always remain behind you and always in the same position; chest pressed against your horizontal back, never to make any attempts to kiss your lips nor even look at your face as he'd find his rapture inside of your velvety walls. However, you were convinced that he had made somewhat of an effort to learn the needs of your body, leaving you wrung out each and every time. In turn you tried to learn his. It was the little things you picked up on, like how if you hooked your thigh back over his leg, it would allow him to sink into you that extra inch deeper. He seemed to enjoy being in the deepest, most sacred part of you, stretching you out until he'd find your limit and as a result he'd come to learn that with a certain angle, he could have you falling apart around him within seconds; something he would take full advantage of with his hand clamped tightly across your lips whilst fucking you into a limp and sensitive dead weight. 

You'd begun sleeping in just your oversized t-shirt regardless of the weather, and more recently without any underwear. He seemed to like that too, relishing in the knowledge that you were always there and ready for him to take whenever and you loved giving it to him. You worshipped the feel of him inside and around you; the heat of his breath on your skin, the drag of his length within your walls, his come on your thighs and then the gentle heat of his body tight to yours as he cradled you afterwards. In those moments you felt as if both your soul and body belonged to him... and you cherished that feeling- being something to someone. 

You never could recall the moment that he would leave you but he'd never stay until first light, you always stirring awake to a bright beam and a cold vacant space beside you. Still, you'd so willingly grasp onto any and every little morsel of affection he'd give you... whether it be a tepid bath, the safe embrace of his hold, the late night conversations or the heavenly pounding of his cock- you'd hold onto it all. Those few hours on a night, no matter what they brought, were the one and only thing that you looked forward to with each passing day... 

Concealed within the shadows of the late hour you belonged to Joel; his dream, his sweet escape, his little doll... his Sisi.

"Jeez, Lina..." Tommy whistled, "That was a bit defensive. Chill. Was only jokin'..."

You swallowed the thick lump in your throat, trying to will away from your increasing fluster, "Just a weird thing to say is all..."

"I'm only messin' with ya. O'course you ain't fuckin' around with him. Nah, he's probably just startin' to feel bad for bein' a dick to you at the start. He still has some human emotion hidden in there, it's just a little buried." He nudged your arm, "C'mon, I'm knackered. Let's clean this shit up so I can eat n' get my head down."

Chapter Text

9th April 2004

It had been one of those god awful nights where the terrors had been brutally persistent. One after another they came and with each one you had been awakened by a hammering heart, a sheen of cold sweat and the most intense emotion of crippling fear. You could vividly remember at least three individual terrors but you could swear that there had been more. 

Most of your ephialtes were repetitive, the same unsettling vision of Laura over and over. She was always drenched in blood, always dead behind the eyes and it was always you putting an end to her existence...It was always the same shitty scenario just in a different setting but the third incubus that you could recall had been different. It had been one of your old suppressed childhood nightmares resurfacing. A fear that once lingered deep within your bones and never truly vanished. With your mothers body slumped limp against the living room wall, her face and body swollen with purple and black blooms. Her unresponsive to your ear piercing screams. David would always be towering above her, his skin coated in her crimson as he'd strike over and over. He was always yelling, telling her that she could never leave. You would be watching in from the outside, begging for him to stop but appearing unheard and unseen- as if you weren't really there. He'd always kill her, murder her brutally right in front of your watching eyes. Then he would turn towards you, his beady orbs boring sickeningly into you. It being as if your invisibility cloak had suddenly lifted to leave you exposed and vulnerable, then slowly he'd approach. It's just you and me now, Sisi...

Joel had cradled your dazed and frightened body through every single one; hushing you gently whilst pulling your back flush against his chest and tucking you snugly beneath his chin until you calmed. He'd figured you out, learned exactly how to bring you around and lift the heavy burdens, if only for a short while. With his soft hums of some vaguely familiar country song and soothing caresses whilst swallowing your small frame within his protective arms, he'd worked his way into a small corner of your heart.

It had been a series of muffled voices that had stirred you that morning, the haze of sleep still blanketing your weary mind. Despite being unable to tune into the words being spoken- as if you were listening from with the water of a goldfish bowl- the familiar Texan drawls they carried kept you at ease.

It was so warm, in a cozy and toasty sense. The thick duvet swaddling you and enticing you to happily drown back into its comfort. The first signs of spring evolved weeks ago, fresh green shoots penetrating the soil in the yard, buds of pinks and violet beginning to gradually bloom and the climate shifting to heat up the earths chilled surface to make each passing morning that bit more bearable.

You were happy to bask in it, unsure of what time in the day it truly was. It can't have been that late, you were sure that you would have been shaken awake by one of the brothers by now if it had been. You tried to drift back off, eyes so heavy still that they refused to open but your blissfully light fall was swiftly disrupted as those same voices began to raise in volume.

"We are out of everythin', Joel."

"We've been managin' jus' fine without havin' to risk goin' back out there."

"Lina finished the last tube of toothpaste yesterday. We have nothing to wash with... we have no fuckin' food left!"

"The greenhouse..."

"Joel! There's enough in that greenhouse to last us a few days max- we need more seeds and Y'know what?"

"What, Tommy?"

"I'm sick to fuckin' death of rabbit so, I'm takin' my gun and my pack and I'm goin' to head out and see what I can find. Shit, might even try some actual huntin' on the way back to bag us anything other than fuckin' rabbit!"

"Keep your damn voice down."

You could sense both of their eyes on you then, watching to see if you'd move. You remained frozen, counting your breaths slowly to appear undisturbed by their bickering. If you stirred at this point you knew damn well that the discussion would be swiftly shut down and you wanted to be in the know.

Joel sighed, "Just still think it's too risky..."

"I think you've just gotten comfortable..."

"It ain't about bein' comfortable- It's about keepin' us alive, Tommy."

There was a brief pause, one that only lasted less than a couple of seconds. The palpable tension seeming to simmer down a fraction before Tommy spoke up once more.

"Listen, there ain't been a flake of snow in over two weeks- it's all melted away out there...and I'll stick to the roads so I don't leave prints."

"I'm comin' with you."

"Joel, we agreed not to leave her alone. Not after last time. This is my decision. I'm goin' alone."

There was another resigning sigh and even with your eyes closed, you could so easily visualise the look of reluctant defeat that would be slapped across Joel's face.

"At what point do I gotta come lookin' for you?"

"You ain't gonna need to come lookin' for me. I'm more than capable of takin’ care of myself... but if I ain't back by the time the sun sets..." Tommy trailed off.

You peered through the tiniest slit created by your lids, just enough to see Joel drag a heavy palm down over his still weary eyes.

"Alright. Fine." He conceded as Tommy turned his back and continued to stuff his pack with just the essentials, "Jus' don't go doin' anythin' stupid."

A boyish smirk played across Tommy's lips as he glanced back over his shoulder to address Joel, "You gotta have a bit more faith in me, brother."

Nothing further was said after that and so you allowed your eyes to properly fall shut as the front door creaked open and then swung closed just a moment later.

You could hear the thud of Joel's boots pace over towards the living room window, them ceasing as he watched his brothers figure disappear down the path. Another stressed huff left his lips.

"Go back to sleep, Selina."

How the hell did he... You fluttered your eyes open fully this time, twisting your body around in the sheets so you could see him properly. You stared at him for a brief second before glancing towards the arch that lead into the entryway, "Where's he going?"

You had a pretty good idea but still, you wanted to hear it aloud just to ensure that your assumption wasn't off.

"Into town..." Joel sat back onto the couch, rubbing his eyes, "If he ain't back by the time the sun sets, we're goin' after him...though, I'm guessin' you already heard that part."

You nodded, your attention dropping to the quilt that still cocooned you.

"Go back to sleep." It wasn't a suggestion.

You looked back up towards him, his eyes still on you from his place on the couch and then took note of the light that streamed in through the glass pane behind him.

Joel's voice became gentler, "You slept like shit last night. It's still pretty early... Go on, get your head down for another hour or two."

—————————————————————————

You awoke again some time after, unsure as to entirely how long you were out for but certainly feeling fresher for it. Your eyes feeling brighter as they opened and your body feeling less heavy.

Pulling the duvet from around your body, you sat up to begin your usual morning routine. Starting with pulling your oversized shirt down over your bare ass and then fishing for the pair of knickers that you had kicked off your legs and to the bottom of your mattress after climbing into bed last night. Not as though that had happened no thanks to your brutal terrors. The intensity of your nightmares did something to tug on Joel's morals apparently, him doing nothing more than hold onto you tightly- just how he used to in the beginning... although now when he did so, it felt like something more.

You stretched, first your arms then followed by your legs and breathed through the pull and satisfying burn of your stiff muscles coming back to life. Rolling onto all fours you then hauled yourself up onto your feet, depositing yesterdays panties into the wash bag and swiping a fresh pair from the clean laundry that hung over the radiator. You stepped into the red cotton, tugging them up over your thighs so that the band settled comfortably across the swell of your hips.

Movement could be heard coming from within the kitchen. Shuffling, quiet clangs and the gentle thuds of cupboard doors opening and closing. Joel had his back to you as your peered in, his hands braced on the counter tops and his head dipped in concentration.

"Morning?" You said with some uncertainty.

He briefly glanced back over his shoulder at you, a minuscule tug to his lip that gave the impression of a smirk, "Still mornin'...just about."

Rolling your eyes you moved forward to join his side, squinting as you dipped your face to get a look at the sun's position in the sky through the window. Yes, it was still morning. 

"What you doing?" You asked casually whilst pulling yourself up to perch on the surface beside him, watching as he scribbled onto a scrap of paper.

His brows twitched but he didn't look at you, "Stock check..." he paused for a short moment, them furrowing slightly. "Didn't wake you, did I?"

The counter was scattered with your few remaining tins and a bag that held the equivalent of two handfuls of rice. There really wasn't much left at all. "No. No...I just woke naturally."

Joel nodded, not saying anything more. You both remained in a comfortable silence as you continued to watch him note down various numbers, the concentration visible on his expression as he did the maths in his head. From the numbers and words already jotted down, it appeared that he was now sorting out a rationed meal plan for in the events that Tommy returned home empty handed. You tried to make a couple of suggestions here and there, ideas that he would then shoot down with explanations as to why it wasn't feasible in your current situation. That you all needed to prolong your resources for as long as possible using as little ingredients as possible.

Each explanation he gave was very much the same but just worded differently. You were surprised with his patience, mostly expecting for him to request that you leave him in peace after the second bad recommendation that you made- as he usually would when either you or Tommy would begin to yank on his nerves. He didn't though and so you carried on. Each of your suggestions being more ridiculous than the last all in an effort to keep him talking to you. 

You liked hearing his voice- missed the late night discussions that had become less and less, his calm smooth accent focused and attentive to you. You could spend hours contently allowing your ears to drown in the sound, if he'd ever let you.

"I mean, if Tommy comes back with a cow..." You started with what had to have been your fifth terrible idea, trying with all your might to keep a straight face.

"A cow?" Joel repeated flatly, brows knitted together.

"Mhmm..." you nodded, lips pulled into a tight line, "We could like, get milk... cheese," your eyes lit up and your legs swung back and forth, "and ooh, steak and burgers!"

It actually made him stop and turn toward you fully, an eye brow arched incredulously as he pinned the pencil down between his palm and the counter.

"Where the hell are we gonna find, let alone keep, a damn..." It took longer than you expected for him to cotton on, his sentence trailing off and jaw ticking whilst glaring at you. Your grin finally cracked, spreading wide across your cheeks.

"You're insufferable at times. Y'know that?" He said gruffly.

"Am I really?"

"A fuckin' headache in human form, yeah." He grumbled, his attention falling back to the torn sheet of paper below him with a slight shake of the head.

"I thought that was Tommy?"

"The pair of you."

You pouted, stretching your leg out to poke him in the ribs with your toe, "Nawh. I think you like me really, deep deep down..."

Joel's glare locked back onto you, a silent warning as he grabbed at your ankle and yanked it away from him. You stared back at him, a playful smirk curling your lip until he caved and dropped his glower.

You watched his eyes fall to the hand that was still clasped around your ankle, his attention slowly trailing up the soft skin of your bare leg, it rising and rising until pausing at the hem of your shirt that only just covered your modesty. Him looking at it as if it was some inconvenient obstruction.

Your heart fluttered at the thought. The idea of him acknowledging you in this obvious manner outside of the hours that you found yourselves shrouded within the shadows. Your only intention this morning had been to make the most of your time alone with him, to be near him, to talk and get to know him better. Of course your growing captivation of the man would always dream of more... the desire to kiss his lips and hold his hand but you never pushed it. Not after the rejection you had been faced with at the parking lot but things were different now, weren't they? He'd held you through the night and touched you in ways so few had... It wasn't your intention to seduce him during the daylight hours when you walked into the kitchen but it had now quickly become your mission for the day.

"What?" You asked innocently, batting your lashes and flexing the foot he still gripped into a point.

His jaw clenched, face still somewhat firm as he forced himself to meet your gaze. You could see his throat bob as he swallowed before letting your ankle loose from his hold, "Put some damn clothes on."

Shuffling forward you let yourself slip down from the kitchen side, your shirt catching on the surface edge as you dropped, it causing the hem to ride up higher and give him a flash of the faded cherry red beneath before falling back to its place at the mid of your thigh.

"I am wearing clothes." You shrugged, "More than I was wearing to bed last night..."

“Selina.” He warned.

Joel's attention was locked onto the gap between your thighs, his scowl still very much in place.

"It's not very polite to stare at a lady like that, Joel..." You teased.

His eyes darted back up to yours being hasty to quip back, "N' it ain't very lady like to flash me like ya just did."

Your emerald eyes darkened, a smugness to your lips as you shrugged a shoulder once again, "Was an accident."

"An accident." He repeated incredulously.

Cautiously you took a step toward him, closing the three foot gap that had been between you both and turning it into a mere couple of inches. You stared at his chest, brows drawing together before gazing up at him with the most doe like eyes, "Unless... you'd prefer it not to have been?"

Joel swallowed thickly again and you could swear that you could hear his heart from within his chest. The harshness of his face smoothing reluctantly into to something more hungry as he met your wanting marvel of him beneath hooded eyes. 

You sucked the plumpness of your bottom lip in between your teeth before gingerly and delicately placing your palm over his heart to feel it pound against your skin. Your eyes didn't leave his, not once. Them all warm like fresh honey and on you as if you had him wrapped around your little finger- Oh little did you know...

"I think..." You breathed, searching his irises intently, "I think you wanna know what it's like..."

His voice was so low as he murmured back, the palm that pinned the pencil to the counter top moving to settle at your hip, "I already know..."

"Do you, though?" You whispered, pulling yourself up so that you could feel his breath fanning warm across your labrum.

The atmosphere around became non existent, your world falling into total silence other than the beating of your own heart and the thump of his against your palm. You lingered within your intimate proximity, eyes trailing from his blown pupils and down to his slightly parted lips but waiting for him to take control and make that next move. 

You could sense his hesitation, not that you could understand why that was. Why he could let himself drown within you in the dark but not so much as kiss your lips during the day... not that he ever did that on a night either... You could feel your heart beginning to drop, that sting of rejection starting to penetrate your chest. Chancing one more glimpse at his eyes you prepared to sink back onto the flats of your soles, to briskly escape and cover yourself with the clothes he had so sternly asked you to put on.

But, just as you did, just as the mortification began to wash over and you dropped your regrettable gaze down to your feet, you felt the warmth of his palm rise to cradle your jaw.

Without a single word, Joel studied you carefully and pulled your face back towards his, his thumb gently brushing over the apple of your cheek. He was waiting; waiting for when you would rise to meet his tender gaze and as soon as you did he met you in a delicate kiss.

Your head felt light, as if every thought drifted off into space and you couldn't help but melt into him. It started as mild and harmless but neither of you seemed to find it within you to break away,  it quickly morphing into something amatory as his grip on your hip tightened and your hands slid around to the back of his neck.

He pulled you closer into him, the front of your bodies flush with one another as your fingers tangled themselves within the loose outgrown curls at the base of his skull. His own fingers crept up to your waist and squeezed at the flesh causing you to let out an involuntary breathy moan. The brief parting of your lips being enough of an opportunity for him to take advantage as he licked into the opening of your mouth.

You were lost in him. Utterly immersed in the feel of him against you, the taste of coffee on his tongue, the sound of the small wanting grunts he'd emit each time you’d lightly tug at his hair. You were becoming breathless, the aching want of him stealing the oxygen from your lungs and you couldn't help but press your body further into his, clinging to him that little bit more- wanting more- needing more.

He broke for air, your lips parting from one another momentarily and the pair of you were left panting for breath. His grip on you didn't loosen though, remaining tight around your waist as if to prevent you from fleeing. The both of you stood almost stationary whilst breathing in the same air as your noses bumped and brushed. You could see his eyes searching yours, his pupils blown wide and suddenly desperate whilst trying to understand how to navigate these uncharted grounds with you.

"Bed?" He asked, voice hoarse and full of gravel.

All you could do was simply nod, that one word alone causing the simmering heat between your legs to burn brightly.

You took a hold of his hand, lacing your fingers together before tugging him back into the living room towards where the mattresses lay.

Joel kissed you once more, lightly nipping at your bottom lip before gently pushing at your shoulder to drop.

You did exactly as he asked, sinking onto your knees on the edge of the makeshift bed whilst gazing dumbly up at him as if you were waiting for his next instruction. You were, apparently, both ready and eager to appease his every request. 

He crouched to your level, palming the centre of your chest to fall back and he was atop of you within an instant, his lips crashing back onto yours. He had you pinned, an elbow on each side of your head to support his weight that you wouldn't be able to hold yourself- your long brunette tresses fanning you like a frame. You had no other desire than to please him, to keep him wanting you in the same way that you so desperately yearned for him. To keep his heavenly lips and wanting eyes on yours.

Was this how he looked in the hours spent behind you? All needy, flushed and primal? Looking at you like you were the only woman he'd ever seen- the only woman that he’d ever want to see? That's exactly how it felt in this moment as with one large hand he began to palm at your breast. Kneading it carefully whilst rolling your hardened nipple between his fingers as his kisses trailed all wet and hot down your throat. 

You could feel your spirit lifting, leaving your body entirely at his mercy. This is what you had been craving- needing- from him for so long. The touching, the kissing, the true beauty of intimacy and you knew you were already warm and ready. That sacred spot between your thighs, that spot that in your mind belonged completely to him now at the end of the world, was already soft and wet.

It wasn't like the first time where it had been rushed and fast paced. It didn't feel like he was trying to be everywhere at once nor did it feel like he was trying to be nowhere at all- something he was often on opposite sides of the spectrum on depending on his mood. He never seemed to stray away from either side of that scale to a happy medium, never quite in tandem with your needs but you never would complain- always so appreciative of any form of attention that he’d give you. This though? This felt different. 

There was no race to a finish as he took his time with you, exploring your body one inch at a time, learning all your curved and edges. This was heated and passionate, heady and intoxicating. Your lips were blushed a deep shade of pink and puffy from his kisses, cheeks rosy and a shimmering dew glazed your skin. With his teeth suctioned to your throat and his hands memorising your shape, it left your chest heaving and lungs breathless.

He was all consuming and yet all you wanted was more. To climb into his skin and make yourself a home there, to belong to him in every sense of the word.

The heat was too much as you ground your hips up into him, a wanton whimper trembling from your lips as you felt him just as hard and needy as you were soft and wet. The dull ache you had tried to control now a raging fire that demanded attention.

You whined again quietly, needing to find some relief from the thrum at your apex. With a worked up tremble to your movements you forced your fingers in between your bodies, desperately seeking out that sensitive spot beneath your mound.

You panted as you found it, carefully circling as a blissful sigh escaped you. It was only then that Joel apparently caught wind of what you were doing to yourself and clasped ahold of your wrist.

"Ain't gotta do that, baby. I got ya, lemme take care of you, Sisi." His voice all deep and raspy.

Within an instant you ceased, nodding with a dry swallow as you allowed for him to take control.

He placed your wrist back down at your side, leaning forward to press a final soft peck to your used lips before venturing lower. A series of open mouth kisses trailed over your chin to suckle at the angle of your jaw before then searing onto the  skin of your throat.

Joel rocked back onto his heels once reaching your collar and the absence of his bulk was felt in the form of a brisk draft that you hadn't felt earlier. You grabbed for him, your fingers pawing at his thighs, silently begging for him to come back and smother you.

He splayed a large palm out across the centre of your rib cage, the cushioned pad of his thumb so gently stroking at the vulnerable spot between your breasts, your heart beating against the strum of his pulse.

"So needy..." He mumbled to himself whilst dragging his hand down over your front, as if he was trying to guess what lie in wait beneath your shirt as if your were some bow tied gift presented to him on Christmas Day. Tugging at the hem, he raised his brows, "Can I take this off? See you properly?"

You nodded quickly, still flat on your back and wearing your hair like a dark halo, "Thought...thought you wanted me to put more clothes on?"

He smirked, amused by your still present wit, "Yeah, well...changed my mind..."

The feel of the material being pushed up your torso left your skin pebbling in its wake, all anticipation and desire mixing with the natural air. You stretched your arms out above your head, lengthening your figure as he tugged the shirt completely away from you to leave you fully bared to him besides your cotton cherry panties.

Your breath hitched as the calluses of his finger tips grazed over your newly exposed skin, his gaze ranging over you as if you were single handedly the most gorgeous being he'd ever set his eyes on. 

His expression softened as the backs of his knuckles brushed over your cotton covered mound, "Shit..."

In his distracted awe of your naked body, you sat yourself upright, meeting his lips once more as you started on his flannel, fingers nimbly popping open each button before dragging its material over his shoulders and throwing it towards the couch.

The tips of your digits traced over his chest. Stroking over the fine hair and dense muscle, he was solid- beautiful, everything that your mind had envisioned.

"Lay back down, baby." He whispered into your mouth, his hand applying pressure to your clavicle and you so obediently fell for him.

Starting from where he left off, his mouth began at your collar bone to continue its downward trail, stopping at each of your breasts to suck in your nipples and give them equal attention. He left a tender kiss upon reaching the soft patch of flesh below your belly button, his fingers deftly slipping beneath the waist band of your underwear before pausing.

He met your eyes and you saw something so sincere in his that melted you at the core and made your sweet heart flutter, "You're fuckin' beautiful, Sisi..."

It was as if you stopped functioning completely, content to just live in this very moment for eternity. Not a single traumatic thought was within your head, it all so blissfully shoved away to be replaced with... with whatever the hell this was. Desire? Love? Lust? You weren't entirely sure of anything other than the fact that you think you might just be falling for this man...

A man that just seven months ago you would have deemed as being too old for you. A man that had lived so much more of a life than you had ever been given chance to. A man that you still knew so little about despite living in his pocket for now half a year. A man that was currently looking at you like no one else ever had, worshiping your body like it was a divine temple within its own right. A man that might just be the most fucking gorgeous human you'd ever met. Fuck...

In the next beat your panties were being dragged down your thighs before being unhooked from your feet, leaving your glistening heat fully exposed to him.

Like an instinct you pinned your thighs together, hiding yourself from him and wanting him to pry your legs apart himself. He did, with a hand clasping over each knee.

"Let me see you, Sisi... Wanna see all of you…"

Your thighs fell apart at the most gentle pull from him, the cold air hitting the wet and causing it to tingle.

"Fuck..."

Joel shifted down the mattress, his lips pressing to your stomach once again before drifting lower. You could feel each of his hands on the insides of your thighs, carefully pulling you apart as his thumb lightly caressed over your slit, smearing your already dripping arousal up and around your needy sensitive button.

This had happened to you only once before- at least what you believed was about to happen, anyway- just the once with your now almost forgotten ex. He hadn't really known what he was doing- neither of you did- the pair of you just experimenting with everything that you did together. His tongue just hopelessly jabbing into your vulva and expecting for something to happen... it didn't, funnily enough. Though, your gut feeling told you so adamantly that you weren’t about to have the same disappointing experience with Joel.

You closed your eyes, breath held within your chest as you tried to settle back, not truly knowing what to expect. The very moment you felt his mouth on you, you gasped for more air, a burst of pleasure coursing through you and your hand flew to the back of his head, grasping a fistful ahold of his hair.

His deep chuckle vibrated through your clit making you quietly groan. Still abiding by the usual rule despite every other one been torn to shreds the very moment he pressed his lips to yours. 

"He ain't here. Ain't gotta be quiet, baby. C'mon, I wanna hear you- wanna know what you sound like."

He didn't give you a moment to respond before dipping his face back down and pulling your clit in between his teeth whilst suckling at the small nub.

And fuck, did you ever cry out. It sounding so vulgar and lewd even to your own ears as it left your body and you could sense the smirk on his expression, the smugness of you doing exactly as asked without a breath of an argument. 

You were out of control, no longer in possession of your own movements as your hips lifted to meet his mouth, eager for more with the familiar coil already spinning tightly within in you. It was as if he could sense exactly what you needed, two thick fingers pushing into you as he continued to lick and suck.

Your orgasm wasn't even truly given the chance to build, it rising up and crashing forcefully over you like a tsunami. A wave of euphoria and rapture like nothing else engulfing your body and mind, it washing away every single last morsel of tension and leaving you boneless.

Even after your comedown, he didn't stop, seemingly determined to drink you dry as he continued to devour you. It wasn't enough anymore. You needed more, needed him closer, needed to feel that delectable stretch and sensation of total fullness. With your fingers still tangled within his locks you yanked his head back.

The course hair of his jaw and moustache glistened within the daylight, his face almost dripping with your climax, cheeks flushed red and eyes locked onto you as if you were some kind of other worldly being, a goddess of such.

Your words would barely come out, all airy and breathless, "Need you... inside...please."

You limply fell back, hoping that he'd follow your lead. His body covered over you just a moment later, his mouth eagerly reattaching back onto yours and you could taste yourself on his tongue, all earthy and natural. His weight shifted onto one arm, being conscious not to crush you as he began to fumble with his belt, something you were more than happy to assist with as you reached to take control whilst not allowing your heated kiss to break.

The very moment he shucked his jeans off he was notched at your entrance and pushing in. Your body had gotten used to him over the months, his initial intrusion no longer an excruciating process as he easily sunk into your heat. One fluid stroke was all it took for him to bottom out to the base with a satisfied grunt, your cushioned walls moulding to his very shape like memory foam.

You preferred this position; completely at his mercy whilst caged in beneath him. You being able to gaze up at him and witness the pleasure that your body provided him with as he moved in and out of you. How his eyes would close, mouth slightly agape like he was relishing in every sense of it. As if your pussy was the unearthly gateway to a spiritual realm that he could lose himself in.

His movements were slow and precise, taking his time to provide you with the same bliss that you created for him time and time again. His strokes languid and deep whilst ensuring that he met your every need, that his shaft was angled to drag against each of those sensitive spots he'd already discovered within you just so that you would clench down around him tightly.

For the first time, it felt as if you were both completely in synch, your desire and want bouncing off one another to create something so very devastating.

It wasn't long at all before you could feel that familiar sensation bubbling up within, all hot and desperate around him.

Your back arched, chest thrusting up into his as he held onto you, his thick arm snaking beneath the gap in your spine to tug your hips further into each stroke he delivered; harder and stronger.

You could feel your body beginning to quiver, toes curling and nails sinking into the flesh of his back, your whimpered lustful moans increasing in frequency.

"J-Joel, I'm... ugh... I'm gonna come... gonna come... gonna," you cried out, pussy clamping down tightly around him, your walls pulsing as he continued to fuck into.

"That's it, Sisi. Good girl, let go, let... fuck..." He praised. Your channel constricted so securely around his length that he could hardly move, your softness fluttering so delectably that he could barely recognise his own climax on the verge of erupting as he released a strangled groan.

You felt him still for the briefest of seconds and then watched the panic wash over as he tried to desperately and futilely pull away from you but it was far too late. You could feel his length already pulsing and twitching within you, the warmth of his release already coating your walls and settling into a pool in the cavity of your cunt.

"Fuck... I-I-shit... I'm sorry- I…" He fumbled, still lodged inside you.

Your eyes widened, all round and taken back. Your fingers still gripping at his shoulders as if to prevent him from bolting. Your voice shook, "It's okay. It-It's going to be fine."

You weren’t entirely sure if your words were more for him or yourself as you tried to scramble for some comforting logic.

He didn't look convinced, "Selina..."

You felt him pull out of you, your combined spend beginning to leak out into a wet patch beneath you. You grimaced at the sensation.

"No, no... my, my period- it-it like stopped only two days ago and my diet's been shit anyway. I shouldn't get- we'll be fine. It'll be fine. Was just a one off mistake, right?" You hoped you sounded reassuring, god you did. This was the last thing you both needed to stress about amidst your current situation.

Joel swallowed thickly, his head doing some combination of a nod and shake, "Yeah... shouldn't have happened. Won't happen again..."

You met his still tense stare, something clenching tight around your gut, "I meant just the... y'know... the rest, that-that was fine... more than fine, actually."

He softened slightly but gave no verbal response whilst lowering himself to press his lips to the damp skin of your forehead, all before rolling to your side and dragging you along with him, tucking your body in against his chest.

————————————————————————

His reaction had you fully believing that he would bolt after announcing his regret of the whole thing, that none of it should have ever happened and that the risk was fully avoidable. It was a pleasant surprise when he remained next to you, keeping you within the security of his arms and in that moment you felt untouchable.

It had been a blissful hour of gentle touches and pillow talk, as if those intense feelings you were harbouring weren't perhaps just one sided...

Your voices were small as you spoke, all gentle and soft as you talked about anything and everything. 

“I could murder a greasy domino’s right about now…” You thought aloud.

You felt Joel shift, his hand sliding over your hip as he paid you his full attention, “What toppings though? If you mention anythin’ barbecue-”

“Ranch BBQ,” You grimaced. “With extra mozzarella, of course.”

“And just like that you’re dead to me…”

“What’s wrong with barbecue??” You chuckled.

He shrugged, adjusting his head so that his arm acted as a pillow, “Nothin’. Barbecue is great on a grill just a complete crime when smeared onto the base of a pizza. It overpowers the other flavours…”

You hummed your understanding before propping yourself up onto your elbow, “What’s your poison then? If you could have one shitty, artery clogging food, right now, what would it be?”

Joel rolled onto his back with you falling into the crook of his arm. Your head coming to rest against his chest as his eyes narrowed up at the ceiling in thought, “Five guys…Bacon double cheese burger with barbecue-”

“You hypocrite!”

“No. It works on a burger- tell me I’m wrong. Go on.” He challenged.

You sighed, playfully rolling your eyes. It did work on a burger, very well in fact but you were a barbecue sauce fanatic, having it as a condiment on the side of most pre-outbreak meals.

“Anyway,” He strained, “That with a large fries and strawberry milkshake- beautiful.”

“So a post-fuck burger is what you like… got it noted.” You nodded with a grin.

Joel snorted with a shake of his head, him lulling to one side as his eyes softened on you. You remained in a delicate silence, just gazing at one another and studying each line and contour. 

Your heart ached and the desire to fully bury yourself into him became too much of an unwanted urge. This version of him, all relaxed and at peace, is what you wanted permanently. He was beautiful, in every way like this. The shaggy hair that was well overdue a trim, that dangerous smile and the warm flecks of honey in his eyes that contrasted so perfectly with his still somehow sun kissed skin. Beneath the radiancy of the suns blinding rays, it was like viewing him through a rose tinted lense. He was just gorgeous. It was easy to forget and forgive that other, darker side of him. The side that was ruthless and brutal- the same man who you knew killed without a second thought for your resources, for yours and Tommy’s lives- it was far too easy to as well. You just accepted it- accepted him. You knew that for you this was more than just lust, the high of your release doing nothing to dull the intensity of the emotion that was slowly consuming you. Yet it felt ridiculous to even admit it to yourself…

“Joel…” You whispered and he nodded, “how’d you know that I was awake? Earlier…”

“I know what you look like when you’re sleepin’.”

It was a half smile that pulled to the corner of his lip, one that encased a solemn memory. It took him a little while to respond, as if he was finding the courage to speak the words. He pointed toward his own eyes, “Your eyes, they were movin’ too much beneath your lids and your breathing was… off- looked forced,” he paused, face falling ever so slightly, “You forget that I was a dad to a preteen…Sar…she…”

He was cracking, you could see it in the way his brows drew close and his jaw tensed before taking a deep breath and pulling himself together. His tone more abrupt than it had been, “kids do it all the time. You learn the signs pretty quickly.”

You felt a pang of guilt whilst sensing him begin to close off and shut down. That you should’ve somehow known that a question like that would lead onto a topic that was still so raw and off limits. “I’m sorry…”

Joel looked away from you, the harsh lines reappearing around his mouth and forehead as he stared up at the ceiling above. 

You were losing your gentle version of him, watching first hand as he visibly shoved it back down to be replaced with that stony wall. That solid concrete barrier that you wanted to rip apart brick by brick to expose the softness that you knew was laying in wait just beneath. 

A panic vibrated through you, an encompassing desperation to pull him back and prolong this blissful moment of gentle touches and harmless chatter for as long as physically possible. 

You said it then, it flowing so hopelessly and longingly from your tongue in a last ditch effort to keep him with you, “I-I know you don’t like talking about her but I can be a listening ear if-”

“No. Selina. Stop.”

“I just…” You tried not to cling to him, taking a deep breath and resting your palm over his chest, your voice so small, “I hate seeing you hurt…I like you, Joel… a lot.”

He went rigid beneath you. Each and every muscle brimming with tension and his eyes went wide. He knew what you meant.

You didn’t get a response as his focus remained fixated on the old brown patch of moisture on the ceiling. He said nothing at all for a while, his expression subtly contorting as he ran through a multitude of emotions; panic to anger and then to just… nothing.

Joel went flat- numb, even- as if the past hour hadn’t taken place at all, as if your confession, actions or anything else spoken from your lips hadn’t even registered.

“Joel?” You whispered, eyes all round with worry and pleading…

He swallowed thickly, manoeuvring himself so that you were no longer touching his skin. He sat upright, pinching at the corners of his eyes as if he had just stirred from a nap, “We should get movin’…” 

Chapter Text

Joel did what he could to ignore you for the rest of the day, which as it turns out, was really fucking difficult when it was just the two of you confined to such a small space. 

At no point had he ever felt so keen for his brother to arrive home. Of course he worried for Tommy's safety- that was a given but right now, all he wanted was that extra person present to act as a distraction.

He'd debated on making up some shitty excuse to leave the house just so he could escape for a walk to clear his head but he couldn't even do that all thanks to you. All thanks to that stupid goddamn rule that he and Tommy had agreed on to never leave you alone... You'd probably just offer the house up to the first fucker that came by, just as you did with his truck. Just as you did with yourself...

That was harsh, he knew it was. It wasn't all that deep down, just buried by some forced aversion, that he understood the truck being stolen wasn't your fault... he shouldn't have left you, not without any form of self defence... not at all, but it was easier to blame and resent you than admit that you were slipping through his cracks.

With each heaved swing of the axe he watched you from out the corner of his eye. Crouched down by the back fence, jeans stretched tight across your ass, thick wavy hair floating in the gentle breeze as golden hour shone down to give your complexion an ethereal glow. Where the fuck was Tommy.

He came out here to escape you, to try and insert that sense of distance that he so desperately needed from you but no, you had to fucking follow him out here too. Had to follow him out to piss around in the green house and do whatever the hell it was you were doing now and you were so goddam fucking pretty whilst doing it and FUCK.

Joel swung the axe down once more, with an excess amount of force that had the round cut of the trunk split perfectly into two halves whilst the bladed head became lodged within the earth.

He stepped back panting, with sweat damp on his forehead and a mind dowsed in frustration. Why the fuck did you like him? Why the fuck would you even say that? Why did you go and have to ruin something that he was happy to ignore?

And shit, he liked you too...and he fucking hated it. He wasn't supposed to like you. He wasn't supposed to let himself like anyone. It would make him vulnerable... turn him into even more of a liability. He'd already failed Sarah, it killing a large part of him as it did her. He couldn't fail Tommy- he had to stay focused... there was no space for you. He couldn't afford to care about you, there wasn't the room spare in his shrunken heart.

From the moment he felt that urge to comfort you for the first time, unable to leave you thrashing and fighting within your sleep, he knew he was stepping into dangerous grounds. But he told himself that it wouldn't turn into anything, that empathy was just human, that he could separate it from anything else.

He turned a blind eye to it to begin with, ignoring that sense of relief he'd find when you'd snuggle into him or the flutter he'd feel in his chest when you'd tell him about yourself. He'd tell himself that it wasn't real, that the sparkle within your eye wasn't meant for him, that he was imagining it. That's why he'd always leave again before sunrise... to separate the fantasy of you from his grim reality. It's why he could barely bring himself to look at you during the daytime, to not give you a false hope, to not allow his own mind to run away with the idea that perhaps maybe, he could squeeze you in. 

Of course, he'd fucked that pretence the very moment he grabbed your damn ankle. All soft skin and bare legs and oh god those fucking cherry coloured panties. He'd lost count the amount of times he'd sunk himself into you over the months, the amount of times he'd lost himself in you... but it was different during the day, when your heads weren't shrouded by sleep. It was different when he kissed your lips and watched your face as he pulled the orgasm from your soul and shit, it was the most beautiful thing. Of course it was fucking different... Then just to make matters worse, he lost too much control, became too consumed by you to even feel his own body. You hadn't seemed all that spooked by it... seemingly confident that it wouldn't take... but what if it did?

What if ten minutes of fucking delusion was all it took to knock you up? How the fuck would he manage? You, a baby- his baby and Tommy all trapped in this house at the end of the goddamn world... How was he supposed to protect you all? 

And then you said it. You made him talk about Sarah and then you fucking said it and it made these feelings he'd been so determined to ignore and shove down feel so very real and scary and it made him furious. How could he be so fucking stupid? He couldn't protect you... couldn't care enough that losing you would kill apart of him to. It simply just couldn't happen. As much as he already did, he just couldn't like you. Not in that way... but he wasn't sure of what other way there was now that he knew you like he did.

Joel swallowed thickly, it feeling as if he'd just ran a marathon and ridded the moisture of his head with the back of his hand. He stood with furrowed brows, glaring at the axe that was still wedged within the earth, willing his thoughts to turn the fuck off before he blew. 

The aroma of wild garlic drifting into his presence was enough to snap him away from his train of reflection. His nose naturally following the scent to its source. You. There you were, with an armful of leaves and a goddam pink petunia tucked behind your ear, looking like the vision of fucking spring.

His face must have still been hardened by a scowl, your brows furrowing in confusion as he met your eyes.

"Wild garlic... thought we could cook with it..." It had been the first thing you'd said to him since he got up and left you naked and exposed on the mattress earlier that day.

He didn't know how to look at you, instead his focus was locked onto the tips of the leaves that you held. He gave a stiff nod before returning to the axe and yanking it from the ground, again just within his peripheral he could see your figure  awkwardly retreat back inside. Thank fuck.

—————————————————————————

Tommy checked over his shoulder one last time as he reached the porch, the unpleasant knot in his stomach slowly easing with the silence that followed.

It wasn't until he had the front door closed with his back flat against it that he truly breathed for the first time in a number of hours. He hadn't been seen... hadn't been followed.

"Tommy? You back?"

His name rang out in your voice. The sound carrying into his ears from the kitchen and with a deep breath he swallowed.

"Yeah, s'just me." He said whilst rounding the corner, shrugging his pack from his shoulders and slumping it down onto one of the work tops.

You had your brows raised, staring at him expectantly whilst leaning back against the far counter, "Sooo... how was it?"

"Yeah," He shrugged, almost indifferently, "mostly picked over out there... got a few things though..."

"Do go on," you smiled, taking a step forward as he began to rummage through the pack.

"Big bag of dried pasta- unopened," Tommy winked whilst setting it down on the side. 

It was easy to slip back into an easy rhythm when you were about. You weren't tense nor heavy, just willing to take any good news that you could get. He knew he'd need to talk to Joel at some point, would have to discuss what he'd seen out there but for now he was happy to just pretend that the outside didn't exist.

"Ohh, it's like fucking Christmas!" You chimed, grabbing the plastic bag and turning it within your hands, "ugh, rigatoni as well. My all time favourite!"

"...and..." The grin on Tommy's face grew more sincere at your excitement. Tugging open the main compartment of the sack he dragged out a plump pheasant, "No more fuckin' rabbit."

"Finally!" You groaned, drawing out the word as you did, "My stomach is already growling..."

He snorted- yeah, his too. It'd been rice and shittin' rabbit with what ever veg was pulled from the greenhouse everyday for weeks. It had gotten to the point where starvation was beginning to sound appealing.

"Found some wild garlic out back a moment ago,"  You started, absentmindedly stroking the soft feathers of the carcass, "So I'm thinking maybe garlicky pheasant pasta for dinner?"

Tommy groaned, his mouth already beginning to drool just at the thought, "Sounds fuckin' incredible."

Your excitable beam was quick to dampen, your eyes set on the still not totally empty pack as you placed the bag of pasta back down, "Your brother's been on edge most of the day."

He scoffed, "Ain't he always a miserable bastard?"

"I dunno... he was okay this morning then went all quiet and cagey this afternoon... figured he was just worried..."

It was then he saw the subtle furrow in your brow and he shrugged, "Yeah...maybe..."

You chewed down on your bottom lip, almost looking hesitant to ask as you plucked one of the chestnut feathers and rubbed its delicate fan between your fingers, "What's it like out there? Many infected?"

That thick knot had begun to tie itself back within his throat. He swallowed it. "Uh... was a few near the houses by the main road. Managed to creep round 'em unnoticed..." 

"They look any different now?" You asked, "On that documentary I watched, this spider, it started like, growing growths and shit... just wondered if it was the same..."

Tommy's lip tugged ever so slightly, the pads of his fingers dancing along the stitching of his packs strap, "Didn't exactly get close enough to do an examination, Lina..."

"Right," Your mouth pulled into a tight line, eyes drifting back to the pheasant, "Sorry... just a gross curiosity, I guess..."

He nodded, swallowing thickly, "So, where's Joel?"

"Oh, um," Your eyes met his. He pushed you for an answer, "He's out back... been taking his frustrations out on that log out there by the looks of it..."

Tommy nodded, a small frown to his face before he bypassed you to get to the back door.

The daylight was beginning to dim, the back yard being casted in a shade of serene blue and he could just about make out Joel's slightly detailed silhouette crouched down beside where the fallen redwood once lay. 

"I'm back." He called out whilst stepping down the three ledges of the small patio.

Tommy waited at the bottom for Joel to meet him, his brothers arms loaded with newly cut wood assumedly prepped ready for tonight's fire.

"How was it?" Joel asked warily.

It took him a moment to respond, his jaw tensing into place, "We ain't alone out here..."

"Infected?" 

"Nah... well, I mean, yeah...but..." Tommy let a heavy breath through his nose, "I mean people...there's a group of 'em. Looks like they've taken over the town..."

He could see Joel's demeanour turn rigid, "How many?"

"I dunno," he shrugged with a shake of the head, "Counted at least six from where I was hid. I decided it wasn’t worth the risk gettin’ any closer."

"They look hostile?"

"I dunno..."

"They see you?"

"No," Tommy sighed, "I took a wide berth n’ headed straight on back."

Joel dragged a heavy palm down over his face, it lingering by his jaw, "Shit..."

"Well, you didn't tell me that two minutes ago when I asked what it was like..." Your voice appeared from just behind his shoulder.

Tommy hadn't even heard you follow him out. Not your footsteps nor your breathing, the words spoken from your lips startling him. He shook his head, keeping his focus on his brother, "They coulda been there for weeks- months even- for all we know..."

"It don't matter." The blocks of wood cradled within Joel's arms were quickly dropped to the ground, them clattering as they hit a solid surface. "We know they're there. It's only a matter of time until they wander up this way."

"No more fires on a night." He added dryly before pushing past you both and heading back into the house. “Can’t risk the smoke bein’ seen…”

—————————————————————————

Dinner had been a flavoursome affair despite the troublesome revelation that Tommy had also brought back with him.

All curtains were drawn tight, blocking out the outside entirely as you all enjoyed your candlelit meal. 

The pheasant meat was tender, it's juices mixed with the richness of the garlic was exquisite. It's combined taste flooding your tongue and leaving your stomach begging for more. And the damn pasta- it was like you had died and gone to heaven. Man, you missed the days of not having to ration.

You were more than aware that you'd lost weight, weight that you really didn't need to loose in the first place... you all had. Your hipbones appeared more visible as you laid out and even your previously well fitted bra had become a cup size too big. You'd seen it in the boys as well, their frames looking that bit leaner and beneath the scruff that you'd make them tidy up every couple of weeks, their jawline more prominent.

Above the rim of your bowl, you kept glancing up towards Joel. He refused to look back, having not said a single fucking word to you since he all but fled from your mattress. It stung, being forced to watch him shut down on you so bluntly. Perhaps it was just the memory of Sarah... you hadn't meant to stir them. You weren't to know that faking your sleep would cause such a pain... Perhaps he was just concerned about Tommy?

You left him brooding and chose to distract yourself with conversation. Tommy was always great for that, always down for a good chat. It was rarely anything deep either, just sharing little snippets of yourselves with one another.

"so yeah, it was just us, our bikes and ten days out on the open road. Was fuckin' magic, wasn't it, Joel?" Tommy had started to tell you about a time just a few years back where they'd both hired out a couple of bikes and completed a road trip down south.

Joel just grunted in response. That was about as much engagement as he made through any of your chitchat that evening.

From what you could gather, it had been planned for Joel's thirtieth birthday. A trip of a lifetime as Tommy had put it.

"So where did you go?" You asked.

"Aw man. Started in Houston, then to New Orleans, across into Mississippi, up into Arkansas and then back home," Tommy smiled nostalgically before it turned somewhat wicked as he glanced at Joel, "What was our aim for the trip?"

Funnily enough, he didn't even get an acknowledgment let alone a verbal response. He went on to answer his own question whilst turning towards you, "A girl from each state we crossed was the goal."

"Your goal." Joel finally grumbled, without looking up.

"That's some bullshit, right there. Every bar we fuckin' went into, you had at least one girl hangin' off your arm by the end of the night." Tommy jeered back.

You could swear you saw a small smug smirk to his mouth, one that was almost non existent.

It brought you some slight amusement, "Did you succeed?"

Tommy kicked back, folding his arms behind his head on the back of the couch with his dish balanced on his lap, "I reckon he did, not that he'd ever confirm or deny... I was one out- had no such luck in Arkansas, sadly."

You scrunched your face, placing your own now empty bowl to the side of your legs, "Gross."

"Like you ain't ever done it," He winked.

"I haven't." You said with a shrug.

Tommy snorted, reaching over to flick you in the back of the head, "Don't bullshit me, Angel."

"I'm serious." You chuckled, "Like, dead serious. Never successfully picked a guy up from a bar before."

"Damn, guess I was just special then." He teased, a brow raised.

You winced, giving Joel a quick glance. His jaw ticked as he focused intently on the base of his seemingly empty bowl.

"Not that special." You quipped, an attempt to reassure Joel that nothing had really happened between the two of you... Just in the events that he might actually be bothered by it. It was hard to tell. He was hard to read. "Don't flatter yourself- you weren't exactly successful in taking me home."

Tommy huffed, "Nah, I reckon I would've been if it weren't for that prick..." 

"Y'know, I reckon he was infected..." You really did, knowing what you now know. The way the strange man had been so vacant and so persistent. Perhaps having only just turned, is what you thought. Not quite at the point of ruthlessly tackling it's victim to the ground to rip its throat out but the drive to search for a new host slowly becoming an uncontrollable instinct.

Tommy shook his head, "Think you're just bein' nice. I reckon he was some coked up punk that was get a little too handsy with my girl."

"Definitely infected..." You repeated quietly.

"Fucker wouldn't take no for an answer," He sighed, his attention back on Joel who looked... unreadable, "Clockin' the prick in the face is why you ended up havin' to bail me out... goddamn cock blocked by the cops..."

You wanted to grimace, wanted to shake Tommy by the shoulder and tell him to shut the fuck up, yet you didn't. Instead, you sunk back into the couches cushions whilst staring at your lap.

The sound of a fork clattering against china is what caused you to snap your head up. Joel looked furious as he glared between you both, his brows pulled so low that his eyes appeared black and his teeth were clenched so tight that you wondered how they hadn't cracked. Fuck...

He slammed the bowl down onto the floor boards before hauling himself off his mattress and back onto his feet. You could see the way his chest heaved before he turned his back and stalked off towards the back door, "I need some air."

You went to follow him, eager to apologise and make him understand that it was nothing. That there was nothing between you and Tommy. That it was just a one night thing and that’s all it ever would have been even if outbreak hadn't have happened. That you meant what you said earlier...

Tommy grabbed you before you could, yanking you back down onto the couch, "Leave him, Lina. Fuck knows what his problem is... goin’ out there now will only rile him up more. I'm sure it's nothin'..." 

Chapter Text

Joel's breath shook. The carbon dioxide being exhaled from between his gritted teeth bloomed before him like a ghostly apparition of his soul, as if it was escaping the shell of the man he was becoming. It forming wispy arms that reached out desperately, curling up into the night sky before dissipating into thin air and never to be seen again.

His skin felt tight, it prickling with its exposure to the frigid air- not that he could really feel it. The cold, as harsh as it was, was still not enough to penetrate through this robust armour of grief and anger.

He'd been so successful in burying it deep. Never truly forgetting and he never would - that hellish night being scarred onto him, branded into his mind with a red hot iron and carved onto his heart, but pushing it down far enough so that he could make it through each passing day since. He had you to thank for some of that, since being cooped up in these four walls, anyway. You kept the flashbacks at bay with your soft skin and sweet voice, you had been the perfect distraction to make his nights less numb and long... That was until today, anyway... now you were just a reminder. You were no longer an escape.

The way her soft curls draped over his forearm, the sticky warmth of her wet blood smeared onto his skin and the limp weight of her fading body heavy in his hold; he could still feel it all. He couldn't stop feeling it, the memory clinging to his body like a chronic disease. And he watched the moment that the light faded from her eyes. All the fear and pain slipping into a dullness, a vacancy, nothingness. His Sarah, his baby girl, forced to leave this earth in the worst way possible all because he hadn't moved fucking quick enough.

It ate away at him. The guilt. That moment in time defining him in the most sickening of ways. A failure. Undeserving of something so fragile and precious... and for every single fucking second after he laid her little lifeless figure to rest in that ditch, he put the onus entirely onto himself. Hyper focused on all the actions he could've done differently. 

At no point did it even cross his mind that the actions of others could have twisted and paved his daughters unfortunate fate. Not until now. Not until Tommy opened his fucking mouth and slowly pieced it all together for him. Why was he forced to leave Sarah all alone that night? 

He could feel it within his veins and vessels, all hot and vehement as it bubbled and boiled away. Yet he still refrained from blowing his top- he wanted to, god he really fucking wanted to. To grab the dumb prick by the scruff and let him feel his wrath, to hold a never ending hatred that would eat away at him faster that the guilt that resided within his bones. What if Tommy just went the fuck home after finishing at the site, would she still be here? If he just kept his hands to himself or even if Joel had just ignored his brothers damn call?

But he couldn't do all the things he wanted to... Tommy was all he had left in this vast wasteland. He couldn't hurt him or hate him to the point of no return because then he'd be alone. He'd be alone with the unbearable burden of failing the one remaining person he loved- the last person he'd sworn himself to protect.

It was stomach churning, the sheer amount of malice and resentment that was compiling within his gut. It was inescapable with nowhere to direct it all, left to consume and be internalised. Another demon to add to his rapidly growing collection. 

His fists clenched as did his jaw, swallowing down what he could of all this unwanted emotion. But as he did, it only made him think more. Looking for other ways to misdirect this horde of blame that must belong somewhere, anything to relieve the weight from himself, even if by just a little and by any means not to bestow it entirely onto his brother. The one person he didn't want to hate.

Could he really blame Tommy for wanting to go out on a Friday night? He was young and kid free after all... shit, if his circumstances were different, he'd probably have done the same. 

Suddenly Tommy's choice in heading into a bar for a few drinks was no longer the problem... 

Joel's mind replayed the conversation in the living room. Tommy had met you in that bar. You in that ridiculous barely there little black dress. You must have clad yourself in such a way for a reason, right? and of course Tommy just wasn't able to resist... he never had been able to. 

You were just a lure pulling his little brother in, just as you'd lured himself in. You were the reason Tommy stayed in that bar as late as he did...and until just a moment ago, he'd never given much thought to the bar fight that landed Tommy in jail.

Once again he went to pile the blame onto his brother. That if he'd just kept his hands to himself, if he was just for once the bigger person that maybe, just maybe, his baby girl would still be here. That without that fight, he wouldn't have needed to leave Sarah home alone. That without that fight, he could have gotten Sarah out of there so much earlier. That they would have been long gone before that plane came crashing down. Joel didn't know where they'd be but the only conclusion his mind came to was that it'd have been somewhere safe.

But why did Tommy ever get into that scrap in the first place? Joel's brows drew together, the stirrings of a new thought- perhaps a realisation slowly building within his head.

'I reckon he was some coked up punk that was gettin' a little too handsy with my girl.' The words replayed over and over in Tommy's voice. 

It hadn't been Tommy that instigated whatever happened. His brother threw his hands not to defend himself nor to start something, no...he threw that first fist to protect what he had for some reason deemed to be his property. The fucking girl in the stupid black dress with her soft bare legs... The same girl that was all too happy to allow himself to crawl into bed with her. The girl that he was so fucking divided over that it made him hurt... 

There was a reason why Tommy had gotten into that fight on the night of outbreak... the reason why Joel had to abandon his most precious possession to bail him out... 

His life was in tatters all because of y-

"Hey... You're gonna catch a death stayin' sat out here..."

He didn't have time to fully materialise the thought as his brothers voice appeared from behind. Still the notion lingered, half developed within his mind.

Joel kept his eyes straight ahead, his fist encased by the opposite palm, it's knuckles white from the grip as his arms rested atop his knees. He didn't respond, not even as he felt Tommy's presence lower down beside him on the ledge of the patio.

He was locked onto the shrub at the far end of the garden, it barely visible whilst shrouded within the dark shadows of the night. He could feel Tommy's eyes burning a hole into the side of his head. He chose not to acknowledge it.

"I'd offer you a smoke, but as you already know, I'm out." Tommy said gently.

His brother had smoked the last of his roll ups well over two months ago and didn't they all fucking know about it in the weeks to come. His temper short and snappy as he experienced the effects of withdrawals... Joel thought it was truly laughable, that whilst his brother seemed so collected and unfazed by all the other traumatic events they'd experienced, it had been the lack of nicotine in his body that seemed to throw him off the most...

That was the thing with Tommy... he just seemed to bounce back. With Sarah, he'd put it down to survival- that he was staying strong for him... but even now, it was as if he chose not to register it. It was almost the same with their mother. He had been so despondent and numb for weeks that followed that Joel thought he might have lost him for good but then just like a piece of elastic, he sprung straight back into place... He just couldn't understand it. 

Every single fucking event they'd been faced with so far had a deep lasting effect on him. It all fucking hurt. The killings, the bombings, having to put a bullet in his own goddamn mother, the upturn of his entire life and even his situation with you- it all left behind this unmovable mountain of trauma. Yet, no matter what he was faced with, it was always drowned out and consumed by the pain of losing his daughter. It being agonising enough deluge him in a dulling numbness ninety percent of the time...

But Tommy wasn't numb and rarely found himself overcome with debilitating grief... it was all light hearted memories and chatter that came from him...

Joel still didn't say a word.

Tommy carried on though, his voice quite as he stared down at his boots, "I'm sorry... for back inside... I shouldn't have brought that night up... it's too soon..."

Inhaling an unsteady breath, Joel twisted his neck to face his brother, "The hell are you so okay with this? Actin' like fuckin' nothing is goin' on out there?" He didn't shout, his tone more of a low gravelled growl.

"Look, I get you're worryin'..." Tommy sighed, "Shit, I know we ain't exactly had the most positive experiences with other people so far but as I said, they could've been there for months-"

"That ain't what I'm talkin' about, Tommy." He snapped whilst hauling himself back onto his feet. "You know damn well it ain't."

He towered over his brother, casting his slouched figure within his imposing silhouette.

Tommy looked up at him, and for the first time in weeks Joel saw the heartache and sorrow seep from within his expression, "I ain't okay, Joel. Far from it..."

"Well it sure as hell don't seem that way." He said dryly. "Fuckin' laughin' and jokin' all the goddamn time. Do ya even remember your niece, huh? Or is she just somethin' for you to cast aside n' forget about?"

"That ain't fair, man." Tommy's expression switched, the sorrow and hurt morphing into an anger that almost mirrored a less intense version of his brothers, "I loved that little girl and you know I did!" He took a breath, "But whilst you were breakin' down, I had to fuckin' step up and keep you from fallin'! I couldn't let the grief eat me alive otherwise we'd both be fuckin' dead!"

Joel scoffed, shaking his head, "I hope you realise what your dumbass actions that night ended up costin' me..." The way in which he said it was so dry, so accusatory before turning and heading back towards the patio door, leaving his brother perched on the edge of the patio ledge.

"Joel..." Tommy's voice cracked as he called out after him, all animosity in his tone dampened to remorse.

It made Joel's chest clench. He didn't want to blame his brother, he didn't want to shove him away through hate but he couldn't be near him in that moment. Unable to bear the thought... "I swear to god, Tommy. If you know what's good for you, don't even think about followin' me."

———————————————————————-

His pack laid crumpled down by the front door, brown canvas sat next to both yours and Tommy's that had already been stuffed full. It had been the only good idea that his brother had come up with since returning from his scout, that they should prepare, just in case. You'd all have to leave at some point soon, the lack of resources would force you out even if the people didn't. It hadn't been set in stone where you'd head next... the only appealing suggestion that had been made had come from you. You'd mentioned Memphis, that apparently you had been told back at the hospital that they were building a zone there too. 

The thought of resigning to a life within one of those walled facilities made him uneasy. The idea that those same people that had killed his little girl, that tried to kill him, would have total control and governance over his every move made his blood boil but he was left with very little choice. 

He knew that it was only getting worse out there. From the day of outbreak until the day they arrived here just two months later, civilisation had declined by drastic amounts already. Nobody was coming to save humanity. It was every man for himself. Nowhere on land was truly safe anymore- these zones might just be the closest imitation of that.

Joel swiped his pack from the floorboards before hiding himself away upstairs. He didn't have much to take with him, preferring to travel light whilst carrying just the essentials. For him that was a change of clothes, his hunting knife, a flashlight, his coat and one of the make shift medical packs that you had put together around a month or so ago.

The medical kits weren't extensive in any way but the previous raid of the pharmacy in town, from the last time he headed out before winter had properly set in, he had wiped the shelves clean of whatever was remaining. You had then split them into three separate kits during one particular dull snowy morning. He cracked the plastic tub open to peer inside, it containing a bottle of antiseptic spray, a box of band aids, a roll of bandages and then a needle and thread. Something that would with no doubt be needed at some point on your travels... it was miraculous that the three of you had made it this far mostly unscathed. 

Shoving the tub within his pack he tugged at the draw string before letting it fall heavy between his feet as he perched on the edge of the worn bed frame. He couldn't bring himself to reappear downstairs and face either of you yet, needing the time alone to just sit in solitude.

Joel had heard Tommy enter back into the house a short while ago, the padding of his boots traipsing back into the living room that was just beneath his feet. He heard him mutter something lowly to you and heard you murmur something back, not that it was coherent to his ears. He didn't care either way. The only thing he wanted in that moment was to block the entire world out.

He told himself that he'd wait it out upstairs until he was certain that you and Tommy had both fallen asleep, not wanting to engage in any more of your shared discussions regardless of what they were about. They'd always either be nonsensical or the telling of old stories that'd tear him apart...The memories of what had been lost not being something he'd welcome easily right at this very moment.

This room he found himself in was so quiet and bare, so much so that even his thoughts felt muffled as if the volume had been dialled down on them too... so hazy compared to how sharp and vivid they had been in the back yard. Still the notion of blame lingered. It loitered like a heavy dark cloud but never once did they progress further... He knew it would consume him eventually but if putting the blame onto someone else lifted even an ounce of weight from his shoulders then so be it.

It hit him all thick and constricting, starting within his throat before stabbing up through his sinuses and into his eyes. It made him want to rip the skin from his face as the burn spread. 

He sat with his head dipped and elbows resting upon his knees, eyes locked onto the watch that remained strapped to his wrist. He'd thought many a time that maybe he should just remove it, to stop the constant reminder of her but he could never bring himself to do so. It was the only evidence he still had of her existence bar the memories- memories he couldn't bring himself to think about.

The pad of his thumb grazed over the clocks splintered face, the jagged edges of the cracked glass catching on his prints as a single tear ran free to splash onto the transparent surface, and he could swear that he could see her bright smile within the reflection. Happy fucking birthday... her gift to him that would now haunt his unstable head until his last dying breath. During his thirty two years on this planet, he'd always felt that his existence was a curse, the universe just had to take it one step further in proving that theory...

The pain was relentless, it never once ceased. But after so long he'd learned to numb it, to pack it all away and shove it all down... he just needed to get better at keeping it buried. It was times like these when he'd usually come to seek you out just so he could distract himself within the ecstasy that your body supplied and then bask in your comfort for a few hours more. But he couldn't do that anymore, not now that it had become more than just an escape, not now that he'd pieced together your indirect involvement in his daughters death.

He couldn't be sure how long he was sat there, hunched over and staring vacantly at the floorboards but his head felt heavy and a new kind of burn began to tug at his eyes. Exhaustion.

The silence that engulfed his solemn figure was unsettling. He'd never stayed up here at this late hour before now and the soundlessness was almost eery, it was deafening. Enough so that he was convinced that it'd send him into a state of  lunacy if he remained much longer. No electricity buzzed through the walls, and the sound of your quiet breaths beside him was absent... he hated it. The nothingness. Even his own thoughts seemed to turn off at the realisation. Is this what death would feel like?

Each step creaked beneath his weight as he descended the stairs, and the sound was welcomed to his ears. It being confirmation that yes, he did still exist. A strange concept to be at ease with when for the past seven months he'd wished almost daily that he could do anything but exist.

He sucked in a breath before rounding the corner, preparing himself mentally for the look on his brother face, the look on yours as well, if you hadn't already fallen asleep. You both had, thankfully.

Tommy was sprawled across the couch, one arm dangling from the cushion as he laid on his back snoring lightly. He could barely make you out in the lack of light, your body cocooned within the thickness of your duvet as it so often was.

It crossed his mind on reflex to take his place beside you. To pull the covers back and pull you into his arms... but he didn't. Instead he headed straight for his own mattress after removing his gun from the waistband of his jeans and settled his head down onto his own pillow, shoving his revolver beneath its case.

The darkness pulled him under quickly, sleep hitting him almost as soon as his eyes fell shut and it was a peaceful slumber at that. It happened occasionally, where his fatigue ran so deep that the energy to even create an incubus ceased to exist.

He wasn't entirely sure how long it had been that he was out for the first time he awoke that night, his eyes still bleary as they cracked open. The first thing he did notice was that the room was still shrouded within an obsidian, that he was still far from mornings first light. However, it wasn't his own terror that stirred him. It had almost become an instinct now, a sixth sense even, that the moment your haunting dreams came to torment you that it would drag him from his own rest.

Your body was thrashing beneath the covers, tossing and turning with your limbs lashing out. Your face contorted with fear and your cheeks already soaked with tears as your slurred your frantic subconscious pleads. Begging whatever demon it was to 'please stop' over and over.

Everything in his being was screaming at him to run to you, knowing that he could stop your torture instantly with the security of his embrace but he couldn't. Not anymore. Caring for you would only hurt him, he couldn't afford to hurt anymore. Every nerve ending of his was set alight and the sound of your cries made his ears bleed, it felt like the most unnatural thing to turn a blind eye and to let you suffer alone. 

He couldn't let you in. He had to shut you out in order to retain what was left of his own sanity, so just as he had done with his daughter for all these months, he closed his eyes, turned his back and shoved the image of you away. He numbed himself to your sound and chanted his earlier realisations over and over. It was you that kept Tommy at that bar. It was you that had caused the fight that resulted in his brothers arrest. You were the reason why he had to leave his daughter alone. If it weren't for you, there was a chance that Sarah would still be alive...

——————————————————————

You lurched forward with such force that your spine cracked, with one hand at your throat and the other clutching ahold of your stomach you desperately gasped and gulped for oxygen.

Its molecules entering your bloodstream and instantly bringing you back to life and yet your surroundings remained as an ominous haze, that whatever demon it was that haunted your dreams had escaped into the realms of reality, it lurking somewhere within the room, waiting for an opportune moment to strike.

The way you searched for Joels presence was desperate. The need for his skin, his warmth, his soothing words and tone was overwhelming yet as you grabbed and grasped at the sheets beside you, you were met with nothing but the coldness of his absence.

A stressed sob heaved from your throat as you wrapped your arms around yourself, a futile attempt to mimic his hold. You tried to recreate the sound of his voice within your head, the words he would speak in that thick southern accent but it was all broken and distorted- not truly him. 

You kept trying to find him, the need to crawl into his skin being more than overwhelming but as you tossed over and glanced towards his mattress it felt as if he was a million miles away. Unreachable. Unattainable.

"Joel?" It came out as a shaky whimper.

But there was no response to your call. Your heart ached and body yearned as you caught sight of his breathing change at the sound of your voice, the way his shoulders tensed and yet he still didn't turn to acknowledge your desperate cry for him.

You kept hoping that he would give in to whatever barrier it was that he'd put up since that morning. Had it been your confession that scared him away or the reminder of the brief fleeting feeling of lust that you once felt for his brother whilst under the guise of alcohol? 

The hurt of his sudden indifference towards you came to cause more pain than the terrors that awoke you. It had distracted you from the fear but only to hurt you in another way...Eventually, whilst wrapped within your own embrace, you willed yourself back to sleep.

The undisturbed slumber didn't last for long, your eyes snapping open wide once again whilst the room remained dowsed in a heavy darkness but instead of it being the torment of your own mind causing you to stir, you awoke to sound of violent thuds against the front door.

You shot upright, eyes all large and round as the sounds persisted. Weighted, forceful thumps and strained grunts repeated over and over with the structure of the walls shaking with its impact. The ruckus so loud that it had even pulled Tommy from his coma like sleep, him snapping up and scrambling for the shot gun that had been balanced against the arm of the couch.

The lump within your throat was thick and your stomach tied in knots. You'd stupidly stuffed your own hand gun within your pack, the pack that sat beside the front door that you feared would be burst through at any given second. 

Your head snapped to the right, seeking out the one face that you knew would provide you with some sense of ease. Joels eyes were already on you, his finger pressed to his lips as he sensed your panic, his revolver already pointed and aimed towards the entrance of the room.

You gave him a doubtful nervous look, one that he seemed to read all too easily as he soundlessly crawled to your side and for a passing moment it was as if all differences, what ever they were, had been put aside.

"Where's your gun?" He asked, barely above a whisper.

You gulped, "In my pack... by the door."

Joel sighed, but it didn't sound much like vexation as it did concern, "Okay, here's what we're gonna do." He searched your eyes, something about the way he looked at you filled  you with some much needed confidence, "When I say so, you get yourself in the kitchen and Y'know the large cupboard beneath the sink?"

You nodded.

"You climb in there and wait until I come for you, got it?" 

Again, you nodded but your entire body trembled violently. Your limbs feeling like jelly as you tried to move them into position, ready for your sprint.

"Sisi, look at me." A large palm of his fell onto your shoulder, its warmth instantly being absorbed by your flesh to thaw out some of your quivering, "Tommy n' I, we ain't gonna let anythin' happen to you. Just gotta do as I say. You trust me?"

"Yeah, of course." You swallowed, your breath still shaky.

There was a fleeting moment where the chaos stilled, your world dowsed in a temporary yet palpable silence that seemed to anticipate the inevitable return and increase of anarchy. 

You held your breath and counted slowly to five before the soundlessness was ruptured by the crash and clatter of shattered glass sounding from the room across the hall.

The carnage was followed by the sound of unfamiliar voices and the grunts of bodies entering your found home.

"Shit." Joel growled beneath his breath as he scrambled to his feet.

Tommy was already standing and poised, his back flat against the wall next to the archway, ready and waiting for the first intruder to make an appearance.

You met Joels eye, seeking for instruction, waiting for your cue to move.

"Get your ass in the kitchen, Sisi. Don't attempt to come out until I get you... Go. Move. Now."

Chapter Text

You found yourself momentarily frozen in place. Boots continued to crash through the remaining glass shards of the window and the array of deep strange voices only seemed to increase and near towards you second by second. A treacherously frigid draft seeped eerily from within the ominous shadows of the hallway, being granted entry by your current unwanted visitors. Its bitter tendrils curled briskly towards you, as if you were its sole target, to prickle and bite at the bared skin of your arms. You could hardly breathe. The nauseating sensation sent a violent shudder thrumming through your body and yet you barely had the capacity to acknowledge it.

With your heart racing, the organ battered against your sternum with some ferocity and all blood drained from within the cavity of your fragile skull to leave you drowning in your anxieties. Humanity had been lost- you knew this. Even prior to outbreak, a home intrusion was right at the top of your list of fears. Individuals that did such things were rarely morally responsible... You had been an avid lover of true crime with both you and Laura settling down on the couch after a long day to watch the most obscure documentaries you could find on TV. You'd seen more than your fair share of break in's where the victim had been dragged from their home, slain and then dismembered all in the name of a reason so trivial- if even there was a reason at all.

It was different now, though. Morals and petty reasons wouldn't even come into the mix. In this new age, everything was about survival as civilisation navigated through the wasteland that their planet was hastily diminishing into. It had become about survival of the fittest... Us or them. A lawless land.

They wanted resources. Food, water, shelter... Everything that the three of you currently had a small abundance of. You very much doubted that they'd want to keep your little trio as apart of the package. Why would they? You were just extra mouths to feed...

Your stare widened as you locked onto Joel, his eyes all tense and urgent with his jaw gritted as he silently pressed you to goddamn move.

Another thud, one loud and close and his attention had been redirected back to the archway leading to the entry way.

Your feet scrambled for traction as you frantically forced your body to stand in the most ungraceful of manners and if it were under any normal circumstances you would have been relieved at the fact that you hadn't kicked your knickers off upon climbing into bed earlier. You didn't have the time to think of such things in this moment.

The boards were cool against the soles of your bare feet, each urgent step taken causing a sharp icy zing to course from your toes and into your ankles. The kitchen had always felt so close before, it just being the room next door but with your threat imminent and looming just feet away, that damn cabinet felt like a state away.

You flung the doors of the cupboard open and crouched down to clear yourself a spot to squeeze into, all the old cleaning supplies being roughly shoved to the left hand side before you heaped your body into the space created.

It was a tight fit, your knees forced into your chest and your neck bent into an unnatural position. You wrapped your arms around your legs, squeezing them tight to prevent the muscles from giving way and kicking the cabinet door open.

The unsettling silence only lasted for a further few brief moments before the sound of gun fire rang out. One shot that echoed and vibrated through the walls as your wooden shelter rattled around you. That one blast then to be followed by an onslaught of destruction. Your breath became trapped within your lungs, the carbon burning what felt like lesions within your chest.

You were helpless and ill prepared. Were they outnumbered out there? It sure sounded like they were... The three of you relying on Tommy's military training and Joel's experience of seasonal hunting but what about these other men? What were there backgrounds?

Yet another shot boomed through the house followed by a heavy thud, one that sounded particularly close to the kitchen archway and you hugged your legs that bit tighter into your chest.

"Motherfucker!" It didn't sound like either Joel nor Tommy, "Gonna fucking kill the pair of ya!"

That was as good a sign as any that the both of them were still standing...or hiding- that they were alive at the very least. You closed your eyes, trying to focus on the air passing in through your nostrils to then push it back through your trembling lips. All you could do was wait and hope for the best.

It was bang after bang after bang and less and less voices being raised as time went by. You couldn't be sure how long you had been cooped up within the cupboard before the house fell once again into an eery silence. It could have been just minutes, might have been hours but your spine ached from the way it so unnaturally curved and that sudden soundlessness now harboured a palpable sense of anticipation.

The steady consistent thud of boots approached from the outside, the floorboards creaking beneath the weight of their occupant. You'd learned the sound of Tommy's and Joel's movements by this point, you knew the beat of their steps well. Joel's strides longer and more weighted whilst Tommy's were quick and sharp. This sounded like neither.

You sank back into the walls as the steps halted just centimetres from the cupboard doors. The shadow of two appendages filtering in beneath the paper thin gaps. Your blood ran cold as a condemning panic drowned out your every thought and you could swear your heart rate was now a sound audible against the silence.

There was nothing you could do other than hope that they'd pass by. You closed your eyes and swallowed the congealed thick lump that obstructed your throat. Shuffling emerged, scrapes and scuttles as items on the counter where moved and nabbed. But then there was an abrupt pause and you could swear that you hadn't made a single sound. 

The adrenaline hit you like a tenfold, it churning around in your stomach and causing a cold sweat to form all sticky and damp across the back of your nape. The drag of heavy palms brushed down the oak boards of the partition, hearing them slide and wrap around the knobs almost cautiously.

Slowly the doors were pulled open casting you within the towering shadow of an inimical stranger. His head dipped below the ledge of the counter top, framed by scraggly tendrils and a stench so putrid. An insincere grin crawled across his cheeks as your cowering form came into his vision.

You stared at him, eyes all wide and round with pupils dilated. There was no control had over the way your limbs trembled.

"Hello sweetheart..." His words so collected and menacing sliced through you as you did everything in your power to scramble back, your movements inevitably blocked by the wall at your behind. There was only one way out... and he was blocking it.

The same unperturbed tone didn't translate to his movements as his arm forced itself into your space to land a forbidding and callous grip around your ankle.

And you tried to fight it, the way you were being dragged out from your hiding hole like some vermin that needed to be exterminated. Your entire body tried to sprawl out wide and your clutches grasping for anything that you could heave yourself back with. Anything to make your forced removal as awkward as possible but it felt futile. The man's sheer strength much more devastating than your own and you were left as a whimpering dead weight. Small rasping cries of 'don't' and 'no' and 'stop'. 

There was no stopping this miscreant. Not when he was so close to gaining what he came here for; your home. You were just a loose end. Something he needed to tie off in order to secure the place as his own. He had no room for you here and you had no desire to fall beneath the power of whoever these people were.

As a last ditch attempt you scrambled for the only object you could reach, a half empty canister of furniture polish, and thumped it against the base of his skull and shoulder repeatedly in the hopes that it would do something- anything- to deter him. 

Your fight only made him more relentless, his lip curling into a snarl as he yanked the rest of you from the cupboard with a growl. The floor was solid as your spine cracked against it, the strangers weight pressing down onto your slight frame with his hands wrapped viscously around your throat.

The blood was already rushing upward and into your skull, a dread soaking over you at the realisation that there was no way out. That you weren't strong enough to escape this on your own.

"Joel!" You just about managed to rasp his name out, it all hoarse and scratched as your oesophagus continued to collapse beneath the forever tightening hold that was gripped around your throat.

At this point in time you had not but one inkling to whether either of them were still breathing. You hadn't spared a second to try and tune into your surroundings, too preoccupied with the predicament you found yourself in.

The world seemed to grow a darkening vignette, it slowly crawling in to obscure your vision as you gasped and heaved for air. Your oxygen was dwindling, you could feel it as you clung onto the last remnants of your life and no matter how hard you wretched and gasped, no breath could pass through your wind pipe. You were growing weak, your body feeling heavy and your sight began to speckle. All fight had been lost as your weakened state could no longer support the thrashing of your arms, the now dented canister clattering down against your side.

You gave in as you felt yourself slipping away into the abyss, left with no choice but to accept your seemingly certain fate...

In the next beat you found yourself choking with the taste of copper weeping onto your tastebuds, the sudden surge of precious oxygen rejuvenating your parched lungs and brining you back to full consciousness as your neck was freed. It was a single thump that had your attacker slumping over to one side, his fingers dropping the flesh of your tender throat as he snapped his head around to catch his own assaulter.

You had barely registered what was happening before another close range shot was fired and your face was splattered by the hot fresh blood of another. You gagged, the body falling limp and heavy to your side.

Disoriented and consumed by adrenaline you remained laid there, back down on the solid floor. Your chest heaved, ears rang and your eyes locked onto the cadaver beside you.

It was as if you were incapable of turning away, a dry heave followed by a gag at the sight of the bloodied entry hole at the back of his head. His hair matted with the thick metallic smelling substance.

You knew it wasn't the first time. Tommy had filled you in on Joel's trigger happy tendencies on a numerous occasions since the three of you became bound together but tonight was the first time you'd seen it first hand- the first instance where you hadn't been sheltered from it. It wasn't that you were even upset or horrified by the action, the man was about to kill you in cold blood. You were thankful of Joel's intervention, actually... but seeing it, the body of a man who was not sick, who likely worked a nine till five just months ago, whose life was taken by another and with such ease at that... It was unnerving.

Everything around seemed muffled, the shock of the last- you weren't even entirely sure how long it had been- obscuring your senses. What you did know was that your entire body tingled, that your throat was tender to the touch and swollen and that you most certainly had not been left behind.

The thick lump remained in your throat, unable to swallow it down as you carefully raised your gaze. Joel was already staring straight at you, his eyes both impassive and grave all at once and you could see the remnants of adrenaline slowly simmering down.

He was urgent more than gentle as he reached for a grip on your arm and tugged you back onto your shaky legs. There was a brief moment where a flicker of concern passed over his expression upon noting the redness of your eyes and the blooms of purple that had already begun to show on your skin. He never did act on that concern though, it fading away as quickly as it came.

The stoic mask fell back upon him but the alarmed urgency still was carried within his voice, "Get your bag and get around the back. Tommy's already there waitin'."

You blinked, lashes fluttering with each rapid beat as you tried to absorb his words. You tried to speak but nothing more than a hoarse squeak was emitted.

"Selina." He said firmly, "Bag. Now. Move."

Chapter Text

Bolt. That was the only suitable word for what you did next as your troubled and still shaky legs sprinted through the house, not even properly stopping as you swiped your pack from the hallway before darting through the front door.

The briskness of the late hour bit at your ankles as you fought your way around to the back of the house, slipping into the dark concealing shadows that the forest line offered and hoping to god that Tommy would be waiting in the place you were assuming him to be. Joel hadn't exactly been specific in his instructions, only offering up that he was out back...

Perhaps you should have ensured that Joel was on your heels... maybe he was but you hadn't dared to glance back over your shoulder to check. He might've been there or you might've just left him standing in the kitchen after following his orders. You couldn't be sure. All you did know was that you needed to get out and away from those four walls, away from the bodies and the smell of gun powder. Away from the threat- if any of them were still standing.

You ran until a pair of large hands reached out from the void to clasp at your shoulders, then pulling with enough force to stop you in your tracks.

With the adrenaline still pumping through your aching veins your first instinct was to writhe and fight. Your panic flooding your senses and preventing them from recognising the arms you found yourself within. 

You grunted and flailed as you tried to fend off your attacker. Futilely trying to use your body against theirs, digging your elbows into flesh and trying to hit out all in the attempt at making an escape.

"Get...Off!" You snarled between gritted teeth, your struggle not relenting.

"Hey, hey, hey...shhh." The foreign voice suddenly began to feel familiar. That warm southern accent filtering into your ears, "Its just me... It's just Tommy. You're okay."

For the first time since fleeing from the home you allowed yourself to properly look, a pair of dark mahogany eyes filled with shock and concern staring right back. Your wide eyes blinked rapidly as you tried to swallow, your tense muscles slowly starting to loosen. 

Tommy's grip remained firm around your shoulders in his attempt to ground you, to bring you back. He studied you carefully, noting the discolouration of your throat- blooms that showed even against the night- and the redness of your eyes.  

"Shit, Lina... What the f... You okay?"

You nodded almost too easily against the pain you were in. The words scratched from your throat as you forced them out all strained and hoarse, "I'm fine..."

He didn't appear convinced but seemed to decide it best to drop the need to press whilst you were both still in such a vulnerable situation. Instead he bobbed his head and briefly glanced up over your shoulder before raising a brow, "Where's Joel?"

Following his line of attention, you too twisted your neck in the direction you came from to be faced by an empty path. It would seem that you had in fact left him stood in the kitchen.... 

A influx of guilt and anxiety began to make its pit within your stomach as you stared wide-eyed at Tommy. What if there were more men inside the house? What if he hadn't been able to get out? But surely you would have heard something? 

You could feel Tommy stiffen beside you and the sheer determination beginning to boil up within him, preparing to run back in with his gun blazing in order to find his big brother. It had become so natural nowadays to sense these things in one another, the three of you bound together by some kind of instinctual sixth sense. 

His teeth were grinding, you could hear it, as the cogs began to shift and turn within his mind. He'd expected Joel to emerge alongside you, that much was apparently clear. He was calculating, planning his next move. Where to enter, what strategy to use and your shaken up soul was only capable of observing.

The sound of snapping twigs a few feet behind your back had the pair of you jolting to attention and Tommy's shot gun was instantly swung around and poised.

"Fuck me," Tommy chastised with a relieved sigh, "The fuck did you come that way for? Nearly blew your goddamn head off."

Joel said nothing as he appeared from within the shadows, his expression like stone. The first thing he did was toss you your sneakers, them missing your bare toes by just mere centimetres.

You stared at him, waiting for him to say something. Anything. He didn't. Instead he turned to Tommy, "There was one other hidden away upstairs that needed takin' care of. Didn't want us to have any followers."

"How many in total?"

"Five."

Tommy nodded as he bit down onto his cheek. Joel's glare was burning into him, "Thought you said no one fuckin' saw you?"

"They didn't." 

"How then, Tommy? 'Cause I'm strugglin' to understand." His voice growing more bitter.

Tommy straightened, his demeanour rising to his own defence, "Like you said, they would have come up this way sooner or later."

"Oh and what?" Joel scoffed, "It's just a goddamn coincidence that it just so happened to be on the same day that you wandered on down there?"

The brothers remained in a standoff, squared up to one another and neither backing off.

Tommy's voice lowered, "They didn't see me." He waited a beat before calmly expanding, "Don't you think that they woulda shot me on sight if they did? I stayed low and looped back around the town completely..."

"So you went off path." Joel said more than asked, that accusatory tone still present. Enough so that it only seemed to grate on his younger brother.

"On one side of the road I had fuckin' infected and then those ass wipes on the other. Yeah, 'course I went off path. I was stuck between a rock and damn hard place, man."

Joel's face was straight, "Did you cover your tracks?"

A tense silence fell upon them as Tommy came up short of an answer. His stern eye contact not breaking but something dropping heavily within him.

"Did. You. Cover. Your. Tracks, Tommy." Joel repeated himself, punctuating each word slowly as if talking to a delinquent.

The eye contact broke, with Tommy stiffly shaking his head, "It ain't like I was gonna be afforded with time. I had to get outta there."

"And you lead them right fuckin' to us!" The older brother reared up, his voice raising, "You were in the goddamn forces Tommy! The hell were you thinkin'?! Cause I don't think a single goddamn brain cell was firing right in your damn mind!"

"I was a mercenary, Joel! NATO don't fuckin' train us on tactical trackin' and shit these days. It's more technological- I fuckin' told you that years ago!"

"What about common sense, huh? You got any of that?" Joel spat, "Cause I sure as hell woulda done every goddamn thing possible to not leave a fuckin' trail!"

Something echoed from within the not so far distance, disrupting the ever heightening tensions between the two brothers. A shrill gargling shriek, one that sounded inhuman but eerily so in the same breath. It was the kind of noise that would send a shudder through your bones and create a deep pit of unnerving dread in your stomach. And it did, just that, as the three of you snapped your focus to the general direction that the sound reverberated from.

Against your better judgement, you forced the words that all of you must have been thinking through your wrung out throat. Them feeling like razor blades as they hoarsely rose to your tongue, "The fuck was that?"

You didn't receive a response immediately. Left anxiously waiting for the next chain of absurdly surreal events to unfold. The silence that followed was deafening, all of your ears pricked to attention and ready to act on the smallest sign of an incoming threat but more seconds passed and still nothing came.

It became clear that neither Joel nor Tommy had an answer as to what could have produced such a guttural sound.

Joel's grip on his revolver was white knuckling, him seemingly dropping his previous grievances for the time being as he swallowed thickly. It being one of the very few occasions where you could see the unease in his usually so stoic demeanour, "We should get movin'. We can figure out a better plan in the mornin' but it ain't safe stayin' here."

He waited a beat before continuing.

"I don't know what the hell made that noise and I ain't waitin' around to find out." He narrowed his eyes at Tommy. "Besides, there are five men in that house that won't be returnin' to camp. The rest will come searchin' once they realise."

Tommy bit back, "We were runnin' out of food, Joel. I was tryin' to do the right thing!"

"And now we don't have a goddamn pot to piss in!" He retaliated whilst pausing his decision to stalk on ahead.

Instead he turned to you, his body still rigid and voice still producing an edge despite it being at a much lower volume. His brows were raised whilst prodding a firm finger into the pack held within your arms, "That gun stays on you at all times. It ain't no good to anyone if it's packed away. Understand?"

It had been a while since you had last felt like a child, not since your school days really, but Joel and his goddamn imperious demeanour always seemed to have you feeling inferior- as if you were just some sort of inescapable hindrance... despite the late nights when he'd soften and warm to you.

You think you might have nodded, catching him as he glanced an eye down towards your feet and thank god that you had tugged those sneakers back onto your bare soles as him and Tommy bickered. Sure as anything that he would have blown his lid if you hadn't. 

Joel's empty eyes found yours once more and you tried to seek out any flicker of empathy that he'd once shown you. You were only met with disdain.

"Get it out your bag." He grunted before eventually moving away with no additional acknowledgement to your well being or to what had even just taken place mere moments ago.

As he turned you spotted the growing splodge of blood seeping through the material that covered his shoulder. Before you could drag the statement from your incapacitated throat, Tommy jumped in first.

"You're bleedin'."

"I'm fine." He responded bluntly, shucking his own pack onto the opposite shoulder and taking a step forward.

But the material of his flannel looked wet, the deep crimson stain slowly expanding over the fabric and you couldn't not press further. Not when the thought of him silently suffering made your heart ache. Not when you had the resources and skill available to help. It hurt to speak but you did anyway, "I can check it... just in case it needs stitching?"

Your insistent concern and inability to accept his first given answer only proved to aggravate his already festering contempt. "I said I'm fine!" Joel snapped, his tone reminiscent of a snarl before then turning away from you with a shake of the head. His voice lowered once again as he began to lead the three of you further into the wilderness of the nature reserve, "Need to put as much distance between us and this place as possible..."

—————————————————————————-

There was no stopping. Joel was insistent that the three of you needed to cover as much ground as physically possible before even thinking about rest. That if you holed up somewhere too soon, the risk of being followed would be so much greater because, as he had already proved, their tracks could easily be followed. Tommy of course had questioned it, as to why he was less concerned about their footprints now than he had been just hours ago. Joel's response had been simple- they weren't stationary and as of current, the tracks would just go on and on without leading any potential stalkers anywhere. Anyone following would likely become disinterested after so long, unwilling to use their valuable resources on a journey that could, and would, end up being futile. 

The three of you had nothing on you of any importance. Practically no food, no shelter... just the clothes on your backs and the weapons in your hands. Still, that wouldn't stop someone from murdering you for the little that you did have if you stopped too soon.

You had walked straight through the day, awake and moving for twenty four hours without any respite nor any heading. Your stomach growled and you could swear that your blisters had grown blisters by that point.

The daylight had come and gone to complete its full cycle and so far it had been miles upon miles of trees and nothingness. Tommy had found an old torn map beneath some overgrowth on one of his many piss breaks, the man having a bladder of an incontinent child. The paper had been bleached by the sun and stained by its environment but still, it provided some indication of where they were and where they could go.

Those final few kilometres had felt close to torture as you continued to push through. The fatigue being all consuming with your skull feeling as if it was being weighted down by blocks of heavy lead. You could see Joel wavering too, a slight limp forming within his strides and how he'd roll or grip his shoulder every few minutes. Tommy appeared to be the strongest player of your group, faltering slightly but still remaining headstrong and determined as he fought through it with still some kind of life to his step. Whilst his military training apparently hadn't covered how to survive the literal apocalypse where everyone and everything was out to kill you, it did at least do something for his stamina and basic survivalist skills...

But as the hours passed you even saw him gradually show signs of tiring, his body slowing down and movements becoming more languid. Surely by now the three of you had covered enough distance to deter the group that you had inadvertently pissed off? 

The three of you needed rest. It now becoming a matter of your survival more than anything. Keeping up this brutal pace for much longer would only serve to land you all in another spot of bother.

It was more of a dirt track, this road you had been following. All dusty and dry as it wound for miles and miles on end. It hadn't amounted to much so far, just a couple of decrepit outhouses that you would have even avoided prior to the outbreak and of course, fucking hundreds of trees but as you filtered around a small bend your eyes lit up at an old worn signpost erected at the side of the curb. 'Red Mountain Youth Club.'

You eyed Tommy, a silent conversation had between you as the three of you approached with Joel's head seemingly somewhere else as he went to bypass the opportunity completely.

He hadn't even noticed that you and Tommy had stopped following, not until Tommy gave you an agreeing nod and called out.

"Joel? We gotta stop, brother!"

Joel's steps came to a halt but still he didn't turn, his hesitancy jerking at the muscles in his back.

Tommy called out again, "Can't keep goin' on like this. It's gonna get us all killed. We need t'rest- even if it's just for a coupla hours."

Slowly he turned. He'd barely spoken during the time you had been on the move, not that it was unusual for him... He hadn't been much different on your initial trek to the house, aloof and distant but part of you hoped that the winter spent together would have warmed him. It didn't. He was pissed at the whole situation and made no attempts at sugar coating it.

Joel contemplated the thought for a moment, his jaw somewhat clenched as his eyes dragged over the wording on the signpost. Fifty miles was far enough, right? It was in the middle of fucking nowhere which was good... the fact that it had been a youth club in such a place would also indicate that it may contain some resources as well as a relatively safe place to crash for the night. He'd sent Sarah to a youth camp once... Summer '02, actually. She'd rambled on about all that she'd done that week for the entire car ride home. Fishing, rafting, trail finding and more... He swallowed dryly with a singular nod. "Alright." 

It was a gravel path that the signpost directed you towards, one that veered you all away from what would have been considered as the main road and after just a couple of short minutes lead you to a small complex. 

Two redwood panelled cabins stood side by side alongside a few smaller storage sheds. Just at the back was a large playing field, one that had been left over the winter to be reclaimed by the native wildlife, large goal posts sprouting from the high grasses on either side. 

Cautiously, the three of you moved and you were quick to notice that both brothers already had their firearms drawn and their fingers hovering over the trigger. A mental note was made as you pulled your own pistol from the pocket of the coat that you wore, a coat that you had thankfully folded within your pack ahead of your quick escape the day prior.

There was no haste whilst calculating your movements. Just one foot carefully in front of the other as you wandered through the allotments grounds. 

Just left of the first cabin, something caught your eye. It had been a mostly clear night so far, the minimal cloud coverage giving you the benefit of the moons fluorescence as it lit up your path. It was that same glow that you caught in your peripheral vision bouncing off a metallic surface, an object that had gone unnoticed until now.

You jabbed your elbow into Tommy's side, him giving you a look of aversion that you chose to ignore, instead tilting your head towards the old Chevy that had been parked up outside.

His eyes widened in acknowledgment, stopping his movements to quickly check his six. The truck parked up only meant one of two things... and this place would have made quite the hiding spot if there were enough resources...

Tommy quietly whistled out to his brother who had walked on two steps ahead, "Joel." He hushed.

Joel's brow furrowed as he paced back to the rest of his small group, it only taking him a further moment to also notice the grubby off-white vehicle parked up at the side of the building.

"Stay low... we'll tackle that cabin first." He said nodding towards the panelled structure.

Both you and Tommy nodded in agreement before he brought up a valid point, "Think we need to be strategic about this...We don't know who, where or how many- if there is anyone else here. They could already be watchin' us for all we know." He wetted his lips before addressing Joel, "One of us should keep watch of this cabins perimeter whilst the other goes in with Lina. Least that way, we can be alerted early on if we have company."

"Good shout." Joel paused, delegating within his mind before voicing his plan out, "Tommy, you're the most alert out of the three of us right now- more likely to spot anythin' or anyone approachin' from the outside. I'll take Sisi with me and tackle whatever is on the inside."

You blinked, taken back by his use of your intimate nickname. Not once had he ever dared to call you that outside of your little... unspoken arrangement? You had always been 'Selina' to him unless he was either in or trying to get into your pants. You didn't bring it up, deeming now not to be the time but you were sure you saw Tommy frown curiously at the fleeting tense expression that crossed your face.

Joel's plan wasn't up for negotiation, it rarely ever was. What he says, goes is always how it went and so Tommy walked on ahead to position himself so that he was crouched behind the walls corner, peering out into the main yard of the lot. As he moved into position so did you and Joel, him bracing his shoulder up against the door before giving you a pointed look as if to say 'you ready?'

Ready, wasn't quite the word to use. You weren't sure you'd ever be ready to open the door to a building that may harbour hostile life but you were mostly prepared at least, with your pistol ready at your side and your flashlight shining a beam at the ground. You nodded.

Carefully, Joel opened the door and where you had expected some kind of creek, it instead glided open soundlessly. 

There was a moment of hesitation, as if the pair of you were waiting for something to run out but nothing did and so slowly, with your heart in your mouth you allowed your torch to shine inside.

You scanned its light from left to right, illuminating every dark shadow to expose any potential ominous beings but the large open room remained empty. 

You waited for Joel's cue before following him inside. On each side of the room stood a line of bunk beds, all of which contained a mattress left bare and the walls were littered with banners and photos, memorabilia from past camps it would seem. For no particular reason you found yourself drawn to the back of the space, where a shelf was mounted and various trophies stood. You hovered the beam of your flashlight over each one; Youth Camp of the Year 1995, Young minds 1999 and the last one not actually being a trophy at all but rather an ornament that depicts a smaller replica of the Christ of the Sacred Heart.

The last seven months of your life seemed to flash before you as you gazed into the eyes of a man who had been deemed as humanities saviour... You'd never given religion much thought before, not really, though you had been open to the idea of a higher being... David had kept a bible on your mothers bedside table and often would recite extracts and verses as if he were some wise being, words spoken from his lips that he never seemed to preach with his actions. It had crossed your mind as of late though, that after all that had happened... after the destruction and anguish bestowed upon the earth- how could any god, if one were to exist, allow that to happen? Or had us, as a species just treaded a step too far, one too many times and used the last of our chances? You could recall the story of Noah and his Ark... it was a similar concept, right? The great flood ridding the world of badness...

Joel's voice brought you back from your far away thoughts as he called from the other side of the room and urged you over, "Clear so far... s'another door this way, c'mon."

The first cabin was entirely clear without a soul to be found. The room out back leading to a short corridor that supplied passage to toilets, showers, a separate bedroom and then a storage cupboard.  You tested the water whilst you were there and sighed a breath of relief at the presence of cold, but nevertheless, running water. 

At Joel's heels you exited the first building, providing Tommy with an easy thumbs up before creeping silently over towards the second.

Just as before Tommy split to seek out the optimum spot to keep watch whilst you and Joel ventured up onto the porch. As always he took the lead, his undisclosed frustration with you put to one side as he ensured that you were tucked safely behind him. 

Pressing your ear to the external wall you paused to listen, hoping that anything inside would make itself known before the pair of you burst through the door. Not a peep could be heard.

It was as Joel reached for the knob and you pulled your ear away that the pair of you froze stiff. A hard thud of something heavy falling reverberated through the brick work from inside, the cumbersome noise followed by a low croaky crackle... a click, almost.

You both shared a look, jaws clenching and brows pinching as a mixture of unease and adrenaline began to pump through your veins. Again, he gave you a stiff nod. That he was going to open the door and that you needed to be ready.

And just as you did before, with your pistol now slightly raised at your front, you nodded straight back. 

More gingerly than he did with the last cabin, Joel tugged down on the handle and allowed the door to soundlessly swing open. He held back for a second, a cautious scowl etched to his face as he spared you a quick glance before edging into the first few steps of the uncharted structure.

You remained at his back, ready to provide back up for if he needed it. Joel with his revolver poised in one hand used his other to map out the space with his own flashlight.

Compared to the other cabin, this one was in complete disarray. A room presumably once used as a mess hall, the four walls enclosing bench style picnic tables, some overturned and some smaller round tables with individual chairs strewn about all over the floor. Chunks of wood had been ripped or rather scratched from the floorboards and claw like marks had torn through the paint on the walls. Then there was the smell, a pungency so concentrated that it set the hairs on the back of your neck standing. Putrid and harsh it swirled around and seeped into your nostrils only to be described as the scent of decay, of necrotic flesh that had been left to fester and rot.

Despite the flashlight not picking up anything else in the room other that the remnants of what was once a communal dining area, something refused to settle inside you. A consistent niggle pinching and poking that something about this wasn't right.

"An animal, maybe... a bear or somethin'..." Joel said. His voice so quiet that it barely carried to your ears, something that told you that even he wasn't quite convinced of his own words.

You swallowed thickly, the grip you had on your pistol still so tight that the joints of your fingers hurt. An uneasy breath rattled through your chest as you responded with a weak shrug.

Joel's next step landed itself onto one of the dilapidated floorboards, the entire panel creaking loudly beneath his weight and neither of you were even given a second to acknowledge the sound before the misplaced bookcase on the opposite side of the room flew forward with force alongside the most ear piercing guttural shriek.

The weighted item of furniture came crashing to the ground as the humanoid figure came tumbling over the top of it with its target set on Joel.

Your jaw dropped as your eyes settled onto its grotesque features, its gnarly and shocking appearance even rendering Joel frozen as his own mouth fell slack. 

Its skull had begun to split down the centre, its yellow grim teeth stained with black and misaligned as tendrils sprouted from empty eye sockets. It moved with such persistency and speed considering it's deteriorating state, limbs flailing exposed flesh towards where Joel was stood and the pair of you fumbled for your triggers.

Each of Joel's shots hit its mark, one in the chest and another in the throat as it continued to advance, the bullets doing nothing to deter the creature whilst each case embedded into its rotting meat. 

You hadn't even counted to five before it was on him. The force of its body weight fighting against Joel's as the creatures mouth gnashed and strained for the exposed skin of his neck. You tried to make your aim, your hands trembling as the target jerked and moved about and Joel's own revolver clattered to the floor as their struggle left him pinned up against the wall.

"Fuckin' shoot it, Selina! Get its head!" He strained through bared teeth, every remaining ounce of his strength being used to fend off the mutant as it tried to dominate him.

"I'm trying!" You cried out hoarsely, gun still raised. "I'm gonna hit you!"

"Either way I'll end up fuckin' dead, Sisi!" Joel was losing the battle, the mutilated being pressing its weight further and further into him, "Shoot it! NOW!"

Sucking in a deep breath and flaring your nostrils you allowed the pads of your fingers to squeeze down onto the trigger. Bile all bitter and thick rose within your throat as your shot sounded and you couldn't help but squeeze your eyes closed.

The sound of dead weight dropping heavily to the floor made you heave out a sob and your entire body quaked. 

"Fuck!"

Joel's gravelled growl of a profanity was all your mind needed to settle yourself, the dread and adrenaline suddenly morphing into shock and relief. You hit your target... You hit your goddamn fucking target right in the skull! 

A relieved huff of air filtered out of your shrivelled lungs as your rushed towards the man that had slid boneless down the wall to sit at the creatures limp feet.

Crouching down beside him, your still panicked eyes searched over every inch of his visible skin, "You okay? It didn't bite you, did it?"

Joel shook his head, dragging a slightly unsteady palm down over his face, "I'm fine."

You offered out your hand, one he paused to stare at for a brief moment before grasping a hold and allowing you to help pull him back up to his feet. 

"Thank you...for..." He eventually said, trailing off awkwardly.

Before you could respond you heard the door fly open once more and Tommy came barrelling through with his shot gun loaded and ready.

"You're a minute too late, baby brother," Joel snorted as his younger sibling came grinding to a halt with wide eyes set on the cadaver laid at their feet.

"Missed all the action, Tommo." You added with an almost accomplished smirk.

Tommy barely acknowledged either of your remarks, his face twisted in both disgust and bewilderment, "What the fuck is that?!"

—————————————————————————

The three of you quickly managed to determine that Joel's deformed attacker had most likely been the owner of the truck. A man that had likely been bitten in Beulah before finding solidarity within this small resort as he succumbed to his sickness. 

Every last inch of the property had been searched before you finally settled down, the keys to the Chevy being located in the process.

It came as no surprise as you all bundled yourselves within the first cabin, barricading the door just in the events that you were to be interrupted by any unwanted visitors.

The shower was only slightly warmer than baltic as you stepped beneath its weak stream, your body shivering as the brisk water cascaded down your back and washed away the remnants of your adrenaline that had accumulated and clung onto your skin over the course of the past twenty four hours. The sensation less than pleasant but knowing that you'd be feeling more than a little refreshed once you were out and wrapped within one of those fluffy cotton towels you had managed to locate within the storage cupboard.

By the time you were out of the shower and walked back into the main bunking area, a fresh sleeping bag and a scrap of foil containing your portion of jerky and trail mix had been laid out for you. 

"So what, we thinkin' that's the next stage of the disease or somethin'?" Tommy asked as he chowed down on his stick of dried meat.

Joel shrugged, "Reckon so..." 

You nodded, having a bit more to add, "It makes sense... kind of. I mean, in that documentary I watched, the ants and the spider, like," You swallowed your mouthful, "They like, became the fungus. If you get what I mean?"

"Yeah, I get you..." Tommy shook his head with an astonished huff, "S'just fuckin' nuts... All of it."

You observed Joel as he twisted his shoulder back in discomfort, his previous indifference to his injury clearly something his was now finding difficult to mirror.

"You gonna let me look at that for you, now?" You asked, a hint of authority within your voice.

He went to decline, to snip his response back at you but as he straightened his back, his expression contorted into a unpreventable wince. An expression that was a clear indicator of the pain that he was in and he was left with no other choice but to admit that he did in fact, require your help in this instance. "Fine."

Scooting closer, you pulled at his pack and removed one of your pre-made medical kits before settling down onto your knees in front of him. There being a level of awkwardness casted onto you both as you tried to clear your throat, it still being slightly painful to do so. "I uh... need you to remove your... shirt..."

"Oh... uh... yeah." He muttered before pulling his arm from the sleeve of his tee and pulling it up over the wound. Not completely removing the item of clothing but pulling it off enough so that you had clear access to the wound.

You could hear Tommy sniggering behind you and feel Joel's eyes staring daggers into him as you chose to ignore it.

Ever so gently you brushed your finger along the seam of the slice.

"Knife?" You asked.

"Yeah."

You nodded, "Yeah. It's... that's deep. It's gonna need a couple of stitches." 

He didn't say much at all as you delved into the small first aid box you created and pulled out the small half used pack of anti-septic wipes, "I need to clean it up before I start. This is probably going to sting a bit..."

"I imagine it's gonna sting a whole lot more once you stab a needle into it..." Joel grumbled causing you to lightly snort.

He hissed as you delicately began to dab the area with the wipe, clearing up the congealed spilt blood that had dried onto the surrounding skin and then again as you began your first suture.

It probably wasn't worth mentioning to him that whilst you had seen the procedure happen plenty of times before, that he was in fact your first live patient... Only having ever practiced on silicone and pigs skin...

Your full focus was trained onto your ongoing work, ensuring that you entered his skin in the right place and that you pulled the stitch tight enough before moving onto the next but even through that, you could feel his gaze on you.

"How's your neck?" 

It had been the first time he'd asked since it happened. You had actually begun to wonder if he had even realised what was being done to you before he stepped in, "Uh... yeah. It's sore but the swelling is starting to go down. Hurts less to talk," you kissed the back of your teeth as you began to tie off your final suture. You hadn't actually yet found any surface reflective enough to have a look for your self.  "I'm guessing it doesn't look all that pretty."

"Nah..." He said, "Not really."

You snorted at his direct response, "Well, life for a life. You saved mine, I saved yours. We're even now." He grunted as you snipped the thread from the used needle, "and that's you done. Just... go careful with it over the next week or so..."

Swallowing you then chanced a proper look up at him, his eyes somewhat sad as he offered you a small thankful nod.

You gave a small smile before tossing the needle into a part of the room you wouldn't venture into and then packed the rest of your equipment away. 

"So..." Tommy started, "Guess now would be a good time to decide where we head next?"

"Could just stay here now that we've cleared it." Joel shrugged as he tugged his shirt back over his chest. 

"What about food? I know we have some resources here but it won't last... we'll end up in the same situation as we were back at the house." You counteracted whilst settling back into your own spot, something that seemed to prickle at Joel.

"We'll make it work." He said bluntly.

"Lina's right." Tommy sided, "Here ain't a long term solution, Joel... it'll be fine for a day or two but..."

"What's your big idea then?" Joel narrowed his eyes towards his brother, a challenge that Tommy seemed all to happy to ignore.

The younger brother turned to you, "You sure that the soldier definitely told you that a zone was being built in Memphis?"

"Positive." You confirmed.

"No." Joel was quick to interject, "I ain't goin' back to one of them goddamn concentration camps. Not after what they did... not after..."

You sank back, deciding to allow the brothers to fight it out amongst themselves.

"We stay here and we'll end up gettin' ourselves killed."

"I don't give a shit where we end up goin' but I ain't goin' to any place run by those fuckers."

"Hate to break it to you, Joel but you ain't exactly bein' left with many choices." Tommy was unwavering, his face set as he stared Joel down, "I've got the keys to the truck and I'm leavin' in the mornin' providin' it works. Memphis is Lina's home, ain't no way she's stayin' here when she's got the chance to be reunited with family. Right, Lina?"

You really wished that he'd left you out of this... but he was right. There was a chance that your mother was still alive in that city- you couldn't pass up on the opportunity find her again. Not in this world. "Yeah..."

"I ain't gonna wait around to turn into one of them things. Not when there are other options." Tommy continued as he gestured towards the other cabin, "So if you wanna stay here, fine but you'll be stayin' on your own. Your choice."

Joel's expression was like stone, the muscles in his face tensed solid as he bore into Tommy before sniffing harshly and snatching up his sleeping bag, "I'm goin' to bed."

You shared a look with Tommy, your own looking much more guilt ridden than his own.

"I'm right on this one, Lina. We ain't ever gonna be safe out here." 

"I know..." You sighed, rubbing at your forehead, "Look, it's been a long couple of days. We should think about turning in as well..."

"Yeah," He agreed, deflated before a warm smirk tugged to his lips, "What bed you takin'?"

You arched a brow, "Why?"

"So I can bunk above ya," He grinned.

"Or you could just grab your own bed."

"But where's the fun in that?"

—————————————————————

As tired as your were, your mind just wouldn't shut off. The mutilated face of that... thing, appearing every time you shut your fucking eyes to give you a jump scare. You tossed and turned for what felt like hours with Tommy's soft rumbling snores sounding from above you.

You rolled onto your front, glancing over to where Joel had hidden himself away at the far back of the room. For the first time in months, you found yourself unable to tell if he was sleeping or not but not for the first time, you found yourself desperate for his hold. To feel his arms around your waist, the warmth of his body pressed up against yours and the sense of safety that came along with it.

Silently, you pulled your sleeping bag back and swung your legs out before soundlessly padding over towards where he lays. 

His eyes were closed but his lips still quietly mumbled words incoherent to your ears and you wished you could fix it for him. To free him of the demons that seemed to already be in control of his fate and future. Gently you perched on the edge of the mattress, your fingers delicately brushing back the locks of hair that had fallen in-front of his eyes. Your touch alone was enough to stir him from whatever nightmare had taken ahold, his expression pinching into a scowl as his hand snapped up to grab your wrist, making you startle.

"The hell are you doin'?" He snarled, yanking your hand away from his face as he opened his eyes to find you there.

Your voice was small as it came out, his grip constricting around your wrist, "I-I... You were having a nightmare and... and I couldn't sleep eith.."

"No." Joel interjected harshly with a stern shake of the head, "No. We ain't doin' this no more. It was a fuckin' mistake and it stops now."

His eyes were so rigid, so void of any of that softness he once had for you and your heart jumped into your throat causing you to hiccup as your breath hitched. 

"Understand?" His tone so patronising as he raised his brows at you.

Snatching your wrist from his grip you began to back away, weakly nodding as you fought with the sudden sting within your eyes. Begging with yourself to not let the tears spill whilst still stood in front of him.

How stupid of you to think that he actually cared...

Chapter Text

It twisted and ached to watch you walk away. Your hurt glassy eyes and humiliation being a picture now carved into his skull. Anyone would have thought that you'd just watched him kick a puppy in its ribs with how you looked at him... but it couldn't continue, he simply couldn't allow it to. He had been right when he'd told himself long ago that you were a punishment sent specifically for him. Never should have he indulged you. He should have stayed well away from you. Ever since you'd made yourself known within his and his brothers life it had been an endless string of macabre events masked by the bliss of a warm body. He was even half inclined to believe that your mere existence had something to do with this mass extinction level event that was currently taking place. You were dangerous, a vixen - whether you knew it or not. 

Perhaps it was the only benefit of him being dragged along to Memphis... that the punishment of having to abide to the laws set by the monsters that murdered his daughter would be enough to free him of your curse. That you would reach the city and just go your separate ways. That you would find your family and that he could eventually persuade Tommy to move on and leave you behind.

He continued to toss and turn most of the night, doing everything in his power to refrain from looking over at you. Just in case you saw it as an invitation... just in case that you saw it as a sign that he didn't mean what he had said. He very much did.

At some point his exhaustion must have won the relentless ongoing battle as he groggily stirred to the sound of shuffles and rummaging. Forcing his heavy eyes open, he twisted his fists into the sockets with a heavy sigh rather than a yawn.

He could see Tommy already up and moving. Pacing back and forth from the storage cupboard as he removed anything and everything he deemed as a necessity for the next leg of yours journey. It was just as he was tugging out a large wooden chest that Joel cleared his throat to announce his presence.

Tommy paused to glance up, a greeting on his tongue though it sounded somewhat hesitant after the unresolved tensions from the previous evening, "Mornin'."

"I've thought 'bout it..." Joel began, arms hanging loosely at his sides whilst becoming so consciously aware of them and of course, not being one to ever indulge in pleasantries he skipped them all to get straight to the point, "I'll go...to Memphis."

He paused for a beat before taking another step towards his sibling to make his stance on the matter clear, "Can't say that I'll stay once I'm there... I ain't sure I'll ever be able to live under their control... but I'll try."

A relieved but faint smile tugged to Tommy's mouth, glad that his older brother had finally seen some sense. "Good 'cause I found a bottle of chloroform back there and I ain't opposed to usin' it if I have to."

"Chloroform?" Joel asked after a bemused snort, perplexed. "The hell do they need that shit for at a fuckin' youth club?"

"Be damned if I know," Tommy shrugged, "Gonna stash it though. Might come in useful..."

Opening the large chest, a small packet was tossed in Joel's direction.

He caught it with ease, turning the small rectangular bar in his hands whilst studying its familiar metallic foil.

"PowerBar..." He read aloud with a grunt, "Ain't had one of these in years...Not since-"

"Since you went on that obsessive health and fitness streak and made yourself sick on 'em?" Tommy smirked.

Joel huffed, "Yeah... Can feel my stomach crampin' just lookin' at it..."

It had been a short period of time where he'd taken his health streak far too seriously. Three months of doing a session at the gym each morning before starting work and practically living off of those damn bars until the thought of them made him feel physically sick. God bless Mary Adler who'd be at his front door at six am on the dot to ensure that she was there for when Sarah woke up- he owed that poor woman his life for all she'd done for him and his daughter over the years that they were neighbours. It was a shame that he was a few minutes to late to save hers...

Looking at the bar in his hands now really did still make his gut clench and the internal grimace must have been visible on his expression as Tommy snorted.

"Well, unfortunately the only thing this place is stocked up with is a bulk box of those and..." Tugging out a ribbed can, Tommy scanned over the label, "Chunky chicken noodle soup... so eat up, Joel. Breakfast has been served..."

"Yum." He said flatly whilst beginning to tear the foil of the bar open.

He watched as Tommy briefly glanced up to your direction, unable to stop himself in time as his eyes followed his brothers line of sight and feeling an uncomfortable tug within his chest as he watched you sleep.

With a harsh sniff and pinched brows he snapped his face back around and took a bite of the chewy rectangle, forcing its unfavourable texture down his throat with yet another wince, "We wanna be headin' out soon to make good time... could get to Memphis by tomorrow evenin' if we do... should probably think about wakin' sleepin' beauty up over there..."

"Nah... Leave her a bit longer," Tommy said quietly- empathetically even, "don't think she slept all that well..."

Joel shifted awkwardly in his seat, "No?"

Tommy shook his head, ramming the last chunk of his own nutrition bar into his mouth, "Woke up for a piss n' she was tossin' n' turnin' like mad... looked like she was havin' a night mare or somethin'..."

A sense of guilt began to wash over him, a feeling he was quick to dismiss with a dry swallow and some nonchalant words, "Yeah well, she sure as hell ain't the only one to be sufferin' from night terrors these days..."

"I hear that..." Tommy sighed, dragging a palm down his face before peeking back up, "reminds me, actually. Was gonna ask you 'bout somethin'..."

"Oh yeah?"

"Yeah..." he hummed, "why'd you call Lina that yesterday?"

Joel raised a questioning brow, "Call her what?"

Tommy whispered the name, murmuring it beneath his breath as if it were bedevilled- funny that... "Sisi..."

A flash of panic coursed through him... he remembered the exact moment he slipped up, how he hoped to god that neither you or Tommy had noticed. Luck wasn't on his side apparently... not that it ever was when it came to you. He tried to play it cool, clearing his throat, "Dunno. Just did..." 

"You do realise she fuckin' hates bein' called that, right? Like, more than when someone calls you Joe." Tommy said and he frowned. No, he didn't know that. Not once had you ever brought up the little nickname he'd given you in those small hours where it had been just you and him. "Yeah. I called her it as a joke a coupla months back, just messin' about and she damn near bit my head off. Apparently, it's what her Mom and that Laura used to call her- hearin' it now haunts her is what she said... so yeah... might be worth barin' that in mind..."

"Oh..." Joel's brows furrowed that bit more, "No. Didn't know that..."

—————————————————————————-

Fuck, he missed the comfort that was a hot shower... or even one of those luke warm baths that they'd made do with back at the house. This, this was crucifying. Every last one of his nerve endings jolted and his muscles tensed with each icy pelt of the freezing liquid that cascaded down from the shower head. He was sure that he could remember reading about some benefits of a cold shower, not that he could think of a single one in the moment as his teeth clenched. He'd never understand those who would regularly partake in ice baths... He'd tell a lie though, his brisk morning shower did serve one beneficial purpose- it certainly woke him the fuck up.

By the time he'd dried, redressed and wandered back into the main bunker, you were up and packing your bag. As soon as he entered, Joel could feel the oxygen thicken. Tommy was nowhere to be seen, presumably out fucking around with the truck and it became instantly clear that you were making it your goddamn mission to not acknowledge his existence. You hadn't even glanced his way.

He paid no mind to it. It was exactly what he wanted after all, for you to stay the hell away from him... right? He stubbornly resisted the urge to look at you and the pair of you worked soundlessly around one another.

You were becoming louder as you moved about behind him, objects being slammed rather than placed, your steps heavier and frustrated huffs sounded from your direction. Joel ignored it through a clenched jaw, forcefully distracting himself with... with...he didn't really know what the fuck he was doing with the ratty leather tool holster in his hands. He forced the poor quality screw driver he was mindlessly fiddling with back into its pouch before stuffing it into his pack, figuring that it's contents, whilst being basic, would likely come in handy at some point.

These so say 'safe' zones were likely still in development after all and the current decline in population probably meant that individuals with such skills would be roped into doing some kind of manual labour- not that he truly wanted to aid the military in anything these days but if it would result in making his and Tommy's foreseeable future that bit more comfortable, well, at least he would arrive semi kitted out... 

Joel was still wrapped up within his own thoughts as he swung the strap of his back pack over his good shoulder and without truly realising your close proximity, thumping it against your shoulder blade. A true lapse in judgment that you seemed to instantly take as a personal jab as you aggressively swung around.

"What the fuck is your problem?"

His shoulders squared as he set his stance, instantly on the defence. There had been no need for him to make himself appear larger, already being a head and shoulders taller than what you were but it came as a natural part of his self preservation, "S'cuse me?"

"I don't understand you, Joel," You simmered down, a lump visibly forming within your throat as you stared up at him for the first time that morning, "how for months we..." you trailed off the with a pained shake of the head, "and now you can just stand there and... and act like it was nothing..."

Joel didn't waver, his expression stolid despite the constrictive clench pulling within his chest, "it was nothin'."

And he wished so fucking badly that it had truly meant nothing. It hadn't at the start... you had been no more than a welcoming face and a warm body- an exercise to satisfy a primal need. That's exactly as he planned for it to stay, just a meaningless moment that scratched an itch but then it happened again and again, night after night and quickly that nothing morphed into a something that went unlabelled and unspoken.

The hurt within your eyes was painful to be witness to and yet he couldn't stop himself from breaking you down further. Neither of you spoke a word for an extended moment, frozen in the present. He knew you were waiting; hoping that he'd back track- or apologise, even. There was no chance in hell that he was about to. He needed a clean cut- to almost surgically remove you from the place in his heart that you had slowly begun to embed yourself into so that he could break away and lose you entirely the second he steps foot in Memphis.

"It wasn't nothing to me..." You said quietly as your eyes became glossy. With the back of your sleeve you wiped that growing wetness away just in time for the cabin door to swing open. 

Joel had expected Tommy's presence to instantly disperse this confrontation of veiled feelings as he lingered in the door frame, his brothers brows pinching at being hit with the palpable tension despite not understanding the reason behind it.

It didn't deter you though. Your pained eyes were still pinned to him, registering Tommy's proximity but not shying away as you chose your next words delicately, dancing around the subject as to not give your secret dalliance away. Joel tried shooting you a scathing glare, a warning- one you disregarded, "I...I thought you'd finally warmed up to me being around...seemed like it, anyway." You shrugged solemnly, "So what's changed? What is it that I've done that's so wrong?"

It had been the wrong time for you to pick your moment, that's for sure. Joel was tired, the lack of sleep only serving to shorten his already fragile fuse and fuck, were you ever tugging at it. Continuing this on in front of his brother who had been none the wiser to anything that had transpired between the two of you. Acting as if you were anything more to him than a temporary escape and if it was the truth that you wanted then by god, he'd give it to you.

"You really don't see it, do you?" He began coldly, "The trail of fuckin' destruction that follows your every goddamn step!" His voice gradually rose with each word that slipped from his tongue and you looked taken aback, as if you had expected something different.

"W-what?"

He could feel it himself, the way his heart hardened and face turned to stone, "Everythin' I've lost, I lost because of you!"

"Joel..." Tommys voice came with caution, one he chose to disregard without even so much as an acknowledgement.

"If you weren't at that bar dressed like a damn hooker and seekin' fuckin' attention from any numb skulled shit that looked your way, that jackass," he gestured towards Tommy without removing his glare from you, "wouldn't have ended up behind bars. I had to leave my daughter alone that night because of you."

The fire bellowed within him, all that blame, that self torture and anguish that had accumulated and eaten away at him internally all being projected in one direction. It was venomous, the way it snarled from his teeth, "My little girl is fuckin' dead because of you!"

It sounded so admissible in his mind when he was piecing it all together, that Sarah's fate had been entirely within your hands that night despite your ignorance to her very existence and yet the very moment it left his lips it made his gut twist. Even through the debilitating anger he currently felt, it sounded wrong... almost ridiculous even that he was putting the entire onus of that night onto you, as if you had any perception of what your actions that night could have and did cause. But he had to offload the cumbersome loathing weight of that blame somewhere... If he was going to be forced to survive this life with this constant gaping hole in his heart, he couldn't keep it all bottled up within himself. Neither could he drop it onto Tommy, not now... not knowing that his little brother was all he had left and so the only other human he had access to direct it all onto was you.

You gaped, a single tear escaping from your ducts to steadily trickle down your cheeks and he watched as you steadily lost your resolve- something that only seemed to rile his indignation further, "I-I didn't...H-how-"

"No!" He lamented, "I don't want to fuckin' hear it!"

Tommy took a ginger step forwards, his palms slightly raised, "That ain't fuckin' fair, man. You even hearin' yourself right now? What happened to Sa-"

"Shut the fuck up, Tommy!" Joel dragged his glare up to his brother whilst pointing an accusatory finger in his direction, "Cause you sure as hell ain't innocent in this either!"

He snapped his attention back onto you with narrowing eyes and he watched as you flinched back, "Imma tell you now how this is gonna go. To keep any sort of semblance of peace, you're gonna get your ass into that truck and you'll keep your damn trap shut the entire ride unless spoken to. Once we hit Memphis, we're goin' our separate ways and you're gonna make sure you stay the hell away from me. Do I make myself clear, Sisi?"

You were hurt, that much was easy to decipher from the way your lip quivered and eyes watered but the cowering soon ceased at the sound of your moniker leaving his lips and your distress flared to life, "No! You don't get to fucking call me that! Don't you ever call me that! I swear to god, if you ever-"

"Don't worry your little head, sweetheart. After tomorrow I don't plan on ever breathin' your fucking name again." He sneered. The pair of you remaining in a deadlock with heaving shoulders, wild eyes and flared nostrils.

With the very little resolve he managed to muster up, Joel straightened to compose himself and dragged his forcefully phlegmatic stare back onto Tommy with an urgent need to escape the company his was currently with.

He stalked towards him, "The oil'll need checkin' before we set off."

"I've already..." before Tommy had chance to even finish his sentence, Joel had reached over and snatched the key fob from his brothers hand and disappeared out into the fresh morning air.

—————————————————————————-

The car ride had been a day and half of torturous silence and tangible tension. You could swear the truck cabin buzzed with it, in the same way electricity would hum within the walls of your old apartment.

Tommy had found a full pack of unopened straights in amongst the valuables taken from the old youth camp, by which the entire box had been smoked before you'd even crossed the Tennessee border. That's how bad the atmosphere had been... it'd even pushed Tommy back into his old habit. Not that he'd been left with much else to do with you being prohibited from talking and Joel basically turning mute after insisting that he was going to drive the entire way because he so say needed the distraction...

Yet every now and again from the back seat you'd catch him, his dark eyes catching onto your form from the rear view mirror. On one of the few occasions where he'd wandered off to collect gas, Tommy pulled you aside. He wrapped his arms around you and told you not to take it to heart, that of course Sarah's death hadn't been remotely your fault and that Joel was just grieving. That unfortunately, he needed someone to blame and in that moment it was easiest for him to pin it onto you. That he was sure that Joel didn't actually believe what was coming out of his mouth and that he'd come around eventually- something you weren't entirely convinced of.

And even if he did, you weren't sure that things would ever go back to how they were... not that you were sure he'd want that either...

It was just outside Woodstock that you'd abandoned the faithful Chevy that had gotten you this far in one piece with Joel wanting to hide it somewhere remote just in case he and Tommy ever decided that- no, wait. When, as he so firmly put it, he and Tommy decide to leave so that they have a safe and relatively easy get away.

The walk to Memphis from there was surprisingly straightforward despite the landscape of craters that you all had to navigate around. The suburbs leading into the city centre entirely obliterated much in the same way as the forces had begun to do in Austin.

It just a matter of a few hours before the zones walls came into view. Walls. Huge industrial sized walls that now contained a small portion of your home town and towered up against the skyline... At least that was an improvement from the weak chain link fencing that had been erected back in Texas.

Armed guards lined the perimeter as the three of you approached, with Tommy taking the lead by surrendering his hands and cautioning his steps and you quick to follow, desperate to be seen as innocent civilians in need of refuge. Joel required Tommy's scalding glare and silent firm persuasion before reluctantly following suit.

There was no terrifyingly dark car ride this time and no infected lunging themselves towards you as you reached the gate. Just the sound of radio's and a group of six soldiers jogging across to meet you.

"You seeking refuge?" The man at the front questioned with his rifle raised as the remaining five held slightly back.

Tommy answered for the three of you, "Yes, sir."

"You been near infected?" 

"No, sir."

The soldier reached down to device clipped onto his belt loop, his eyes not leaving you all for a second as he spoke into it, "Got three more strays seeking refuge. Want us to bring them in?" There was a beat of silence as a response came through from the other end, "roger that."

With that the three of you were escorted in through the gates, them screeching and clunking as the solid steel doors opened up for you and you couldn't help but compare it to being like something from one of those movies based in a dystopian future.

There was no warm welcome nor any real pleasantries as you were lead into a large building that came into view as soon as your feet were on safe turf. With your armed guards still glued to your side you found yourself huddled against a front desk, a pane of reinforced glass separating you from the admin and from what you could tell, nurses on the other side.

"Listen up," The man from earlier called out. You didn't know his first name but from the tag on the right of his chest you would assume his last was Saunders, "We gotta get you registered, take a blood sample and then it's straight into holding for twenty four hours. Be snappy."

"I just need to take down some basic details for your identification," a warm friendly, if not slightly apprehensive looking woman smiled from behind the screen with three clipboards at the ready, "If I could start with each of your full names inclusive of any given middle names?"

You each gave your names one at a time and watched as they were scribbled down, her swiftly moving onto the next section of the form, "and your date of birth as well as the state where you were born."

Tommy was quick at handing over his information, seemingly desperate to get this part over and done with. You smiled nervously as she turned to you. "September fifth, ninety eighty two and uh, right here actually... Memphis, Tennessee."

"Well, welcome home sweetheart." She smiled back. Something that warmed and eased you from the inside before she then turned her focus onto Joel, "and you sir?"

You watched as he stiffened, hesitating before his eyes dropped down to the desks surface to avoid all eye contact. His voice all mumbled and thick whilst providing the most basic pieces of information about himself as if they were something he intended to keep hidden, "September twenty- six, seventy-one... Texas."

The smile dropped from the administrators face as she cleared her throat, her pencil pressing down onto the paper harder than necessary. You felt your own heart break, all frustration and distaste for the man falling to the curb as the realisation hit you just as it did for all those listening in. It was his birthday? The world ended and his daughter killed on his fucking birthday?

Your entire expression tilted as your set your eyes onto him, wanting to do nothing more than reach out and hold his hand. You knew better than to even think about trying. Joel's brows were drawn together, his demeanour rigid but shoulders sagged whilst refusing to look anyone in the eye.

You looked around to seek out Tommy, his empathetic eyes already set on the visible ache that resided over your face whilst giving you a sorry shrug: It wasn't for me to say.

"T-thank you, sir. I-I..." The woman stuttered before clearing her throat once more and tried to bring back that settling warmth that had been in her voice. Perhaps that was the reason she did this job... her tone put people at ease, "just a few more questions now."

She asked you questions such as blood type and any critical medical history and advised that your photos would need to be taken after your twenty four hour quarantine period and before leaving the facility. "And finally, are you three happy to be housed together or..."

"No." Joel hadn't even let her finish, "We're not. We'll need three separate accommodations."

You felt your heart sink at his certainty on the matter, at the fact that he apparently still meant every word he spat at you those two days ago but it was Tommy who appeared more taken aback. His face dropping at the ask of three separate living spaces...

—————————————————————————-

15th April 2004

The twenty four hours of quarantine had been comfortless. For some reason, inside your head you had convinced yourself that the three of you would have been kept together and thrown into the same room but no such thing happened. You had been separated instantly, taken into individual holdings where you had been strip searched for bites and then had blood drawn. All of your belongings had been taken, with only your ratty t-shirt and jeans given back. Told that your packs and valuables would be available for collection upon release, minus anything deemed illegal such as any prescription drugs not disclosed alongside the corresponding medical issue and any firearms. 

The silence acted as a discomfort and you found yourself counting down the hours as they slowly passed with little, if any, sleep being had on the solid bench located at the back. It had been the first time since the three of you met, now seven months ago, that you'd been separated from the boys. You'd become reliant on them without even realising, unsure of how you were going to manage living entirely on your own if you could barely last just one day. But maybe you wouldn't have to, be alone, that is... there was still the possibility that your mother resided somewhere within these walls- your old home being just yards away on the wrong side of the barrier; it would have been easy for her to have been rounded up providing that she survived those first few critical hours of the outbreak.

Eventually the door to your small cell creaked open and a flare of artificial lighting flooded in only to be obscured by the shadow of a nurse a second later.

With your knees bunched up beneath your chin you stared up at her, a relieved smile etched to her face as she approached further, "I'm sure you'll be glad to hear that the isolation period is complete?"

You nodded weakly, not taking your eyes off of her. She proceeded, "So as you're aware, we took a few vials of blood from you upon your arrival yesterday. Of course, the main purpose of this was to determine any trace of the cordyceps infection which I can happily confirm all came back clear. We also ran a basic health screening and whilst you are slightly anaemic- as we had expected- you're all heathy..."

The nurses face pinched ever so slightly, her eyes searching yours carefully, "The two men that you came in with..."

Your eyes widened and head snapped up, "Are they okay? Shit, has-"

"No, no. As far as I'm aware, they're both fine." She tried to reassure and you let the sudden fear free itself from your bones. "It's more that we just wanted to ensure that you're here of your own free will... and that you're...safe?"

It took you a moment to comprehend what was being asked, your brows knitting together and then springing up at the realisation, "Oh..Oh. That's- That's not... Gosh, yes. They're safe- I'm safe. It...it's nothing like...that."

"Good." She said with a nod, "We've had a few where it's not been the case and so thought it best to check before letting you free."

You made some kind of head movement that resembled a mixture of a bob and a shake to demonstrate your certainty on the matter.

"Okay... Well." She eyed you carefully, "Just one more thing I'd like to check before letting you go...Is there any possibility that you're pregnant?" 

There had only been one real slip up... one occasion that you knew of that could have resulted in the cells of your body changing to grow a new life. You knew that it was unlikely... that women tended to only have a relatively small actively fertile period each month that tended to be around the middle of the cycle... you had been near the start of yours... too early you thought at the time... but could you really be certain? 

You gripped at the thin sheet of material that fitted across the bench you sat on, your eyes dropping to your feet as you bit down onto the inside of your cheek.

"If you'd be happy to stick around for a couple more hours, I can take another blood sample? Give you peace of mind?" She asked softly, already edging her hand towards the syringe in her pocket and you nodded delicately whilst loosening your arm in preparation.

The additional wait had been nauseating as you remained sat alone in your small room. You were aware that Joel and Tommy had likely been released, that they'd probably be waiting for you to make an appearance. If you had gone out into the main reception area to wait, your anxious foot tapping would have been sure to encourage some concerned questions from Tommy at the very least.

It was as if your body had freed itself from the thick and suffocating air that built up within your lungs, it all releasing from your chest in the form of a relieved sigh. The test had concluded a negative result- thank fuck. And then after having your photo taken, you were sent on your way.

"Jeez, what took you so long." Just as you had expected Tommy was slumped within one of the plastic chairs, all but jumping to his feet at the sight of you before bounding over to pull you into an embrace, "thought you'd fuckin' died or somethin'."

You chuckled quietly, glancing over at the man behind the counter who gave you an incredulous nod- a very different face to the one of the friendly woman from yesterday, "Not dead. Just had to wait for a few more test results, is all."

He pulled back, brows furrowing, "You had to have more tests? Why? What for?"

"Just lady things, Tommy," You said wistfully, "nothing for you to worry your pretty head about."

"I won't press any further." He winced before perking back up, "Listen, I dunno about you but I'm ready to get the fuck outta here."

Clearly eavesdropping in on your conversation, the man behind the screened counter beckoned you both over, "Just getting your ID card processed ma'am but if you both wanna come over, I can explain more about how this place works, confirm your apartment and building numbers and then Private Harvey will help get you settled in."

In sync, you both gave a tight nod and began moving towards the front desk. Your brows furrowing as you glanced around the room and noted the absence of the other brother. "Where's Joel?"

Tommy shook his head with a sigh, "He was pretty keen to get outta here... didn't wanna wait about..."

You pulled your lips into a line and stiffly nodded.

It all seemed fairly straight forward. There were rules and laws that you had to abide by, not much different to before with a couple of extra added in for everyone's own protection. The currency being used were these little yellow squares, aptly named 'ration cards' which could be used to buy basic necessities and you were given a small handful to help you integrate. There were apparently stations all around the zone where you could apply for jobs, as a way of earning said cards but that unless you were deemed as a key worker with a desirable skill and qualification, you wouldn't be contracted so it was a case of applying each time and turning up on the day.

You were pleased to see that both you and Tommy shared the same building despite your apartments being on different floors. At least you weren't miles away and you'd know he was just a couple flights of stairs down if you needed him or vice versa. Then you were handed your ID card and told to keep it on you at all times before the man turned over his shoulder and called out for Private Harvey.

"Hey, um... actually, whilst I'm here... I don't know if you can but I-" You started.

He snapped back around with brows raised and small curve to his lips, "You want me to check the register?"

"Yes...please... if you wouldn't mind?" 

"Sure. You got a name and date of birth?" He asked.

You smiled back, feeling Tommy's palm come to rest between your shoulder blades, "Lisa Harris and February eighteenth, sixty one."

"And can I ask your relation before I go divulging any information?"

"Yes... She's my Mom."

He tapped away at his keyboard, the monitors bluish hue reflecting off his glasses whilst he squinted at the screen for a long moment, "Ahhh... Yep, I've got a match for those details. Would you like me to pass along her building and apartment number?"

You choked, your heart fluttering in your chest in sheer elation that she was alive and here in this very city that you stood. That the months that had passed and the miles crossed hadn't been all in vein, "Y-yes, please."

—————————————————————————

You barely had it in you to listen as Private Harvey pointed out all of the zones amenities as you passed through, his and Tommy’s voice but a muffled haze to your ears whilst your hands trembled from anticipation. It had been well over a year since you’d last seen your Mom, over seven months since you’d last heard her voice and that scared little girl, the one that still resided inside you, wanted nothing more than to run into her arms and stay there forever. Fuck your apartment, there was no way in hell that you’d be staying there alone when you had the home comfort of your mother just a matter of blocks away. Let some other poor sucker have it.

That was the reason why you barely spent ten minutes getting settled in once you reached your assigned abode, opting for a very brisk shower to freshen up and scraping your tangled damp locks up into scruffy bun atop your head. You had no intention of actually staying there. As soon as you were to have solid confirmation of her existence in the place, seeing her with your own two eyes, you’d be sprinting back to collect the few belongings you’d accumulated.

It was with the last twist of your hair tie that a knock sounded from your front door and you hopped into a clean pair of grey jogging bottoms before taking four long strides over.

Tommy stood on the other side, hands stuffed into his jeans pocket with a glint to his eye, “Howdy neighbour… just didn’t know if you wanted anyone to accompany you with it bein’ a new neighbourhood n’ all.” He pulled his lips into a line and shrugged, “you can tell me to fuck off, if you want.” 

Your face broke out into a smile, one that came with a huffy chuckle. Like you’d ever tell him to fuck off… Plus, he was right. This was no longer the Memphis city you once knew and loved. It was different now. It had evolved and devolved in the same breath with its new rules and new faces. And if there had to be one thing you could no longer trust, it was new faces. The past seven months had taught you that much… “No no… I’d actually like it if you came along- I’m a little, I don’t know… Nervous? Anxious? I don’t really understand how I’m feeling…”

He smiled at you softly, holding out his arm for you to link onto, “C’mon then. I’m ready when you are. Introduce me to Momma Harris.”

The scrap of paper containing the scribbled note of her address stayed locked within your hand, your eyes checking it every few seconds as you walked down the street, as if it might have miraculously changed since the last time you checked. It was odd, the sensation that the building name gave you… like it was familiar somehow and you tried to remember if any of your childhood friends had lived in the area when growing up.

“What was the building name again?” Tommy asked.

You checked your note yet again, “Gilmore… Apartment 203…”

“I think… I think it’s just on the next block…”

You knew exactly what building it was from the very moment you veered around the street corner, the sudden realisation smacking you right across the face as you remembered the many occasions when your mother would pull up outside that very structure with you in the back. You hadn’t even realised that your feet had stopped moving as you desperately tried to reason with yourself. That this was just a coincidence, it didn’t mean that he was there… That the zone was relatively compact and the building was large with many small apartments. Apartments now filled with entirely new people after the world came to an end.

“You okay, Lina?” Tommy asked, a hint of concern in his voice as you stood there frozen.

Blinking the anxiety away, you nodded and tugged him along. “Yeah, I’m fine. C’mon…”

The elevators were out of use and there was a strange musky smell that radiated from the carpet beneath your feet as you navigated the building. You’d never been on the inside, always waiting outside in the car for him to hop into the passenger side before driving off. He’d moved in after a relatively short period of time, the apartment he owned in this complex then rented out as an extra form of income apparently.

Over and over you chanted the numbers two zero three in a hushed whisper to yourself whilst searching the corridors of floor two, scanning the numbers labelled on each passing door.

“Two one five…” You muttered to yourself as you squinted down the hall to the next door along to see the numbers depreciating. Picking up your pace you called back over your shoulder, “It’s down this way I think!”

It didn’t take you long at all to jog down to the far end of the carpeted hallway, door two zero three being the second one in on the left and you could hear Tommy’s steps and slightly panting breath arrive up behind you.

For a second you found yourself simply staring at the numbers and you sucked in a long shaky breath before gently wrapping your trembling fist against the door. “Mom?”

You waited, ear pressed against the partition but no sound came from within. You knocked again, harder but still was met without a response.

“Maybe she’s out workin’ or somethin’?” Tommy suggested and yeah, it would make sense. She’d need the ration cards after all and your Mom had never been one to laze around. Her choice in men was questionable but her work ethic was unmatched as she juggled being a single mom to you and keeping your heads both above water financially.

An unconvinced hum left your throat, a small uneasy niggle beginning to jab away at your gut as you felt drawn to the door knob. Carefully your hand fell over it.

You tugged it down gently, it levering without any resistance from a lock and you paused. “It’s not locked…”

Your mind was instantly made up, not waiting for Tommy’s response as you swung the unlocked partition open and forced your way inside.

It looked worn, the decor dated by at least a decade and a fine layer of dust had settled over the small table by the entrance that seemed to be home to the bowl that stored the keys, one set resting within.

“Hello? Mom, it’s me… It’s Lina!” You called out.

It wasn’t a large apartment by any means, the front door leading straight into a living room diner with two doors on the opposite wall, one you’d assume to be a bedroom and the other a bathroom. You could see some old letters scattered out on the kitchen counter and a chair pulled out at the table… The place appearing to be well lived in but unnaturally still…

You wandered in further, beginning to snoop around. Perhaps she had just quickly popped out? Maybe she needed some sugar or flour from a neighbour and got chatting… you’d chastise her about that when she’d return - after you’d squeeze her half to death and blubber into her shoulder - about how easy it had been for you to gain entry within the few minutes that she had ventured down the hall…

“Can we wait? Until she’s back?” You asked, glancing back at Tommy who stood awkwardly in the door frame.

“Uh yeah, course… just might wanna make sure she see’s you first since she won’t have the first clue on who I am…”

A small smile pulled at your lips as you mouthed the words ‘thank you.’

There was a note stuck to the fridge… an old appointment scribbled down in her hand writing by the looks of things:

‘04/10/2004 @ 11am. Dr Abrahams’ 

A doctors appointment you would assume… was she sick? Something minor like the flu or what if was something more sinister?

Shaking the thought out you moved away and scanned your eyes over the living room, noting the jagged hole in the dry wall behind where an old boxy television stood. You frowned at it taking a step closer before then backing away, your heart rate rising that bit more.

You were trying to the pass time more than anything and snooping around acted as a form of distraction. Wandering over to the interior door on the right, you carefully pushed it open.

The bed was made, all neat and tucked in. Of course it was. It had always been apart of your mothers morning routine; to make the bed and draw the curtains… but the drapes that hung in the window were still shut. You did her the courtesy of opening them up yourself, perhaps she was in a rush this morning and had forgotten… maybe it was no longer a task of importance to her now that the world had ended…

There wasn’t much of a view on the outside, just the dull brickwork of the next building over. Perhaps that was why she kept them closed. As you turned around you spotted the small hard back book on the bedside table… A diary- a gift from you actually, from Christmas ‘01. 

You ventured over to it, dragging the pad of your finger over its leather cover with a small smile spreading across your cheeks and you knew you shouldn’t invade her privacy in such a way but shit, you’d missed her and were beyond desperate to feel any part of her- even if it was just her voice in writing for now.

You flicked the diary open for it to land on a page dated the fourth of October 2003.

‘Today’s been the first day I’ve breathed since life as we knew it fell apart. I had a visit from one of the officers this morning, came straight to my door he did. My little Lina is alive and well still in Austin. I can’t believe it. As a mother I feared the worst… but I should’ve had more faith in my girl. She’s a fighter- stronger than me. I hope to god she knows how proud I am of her, how much I love her and miss her. I told her as much when I asked him to respond… I hope it reached her.”

A lump formed in your throat as you sniffled. She’d got your message and even responded… and for all this time it had gone unanswered… but you were here now, as was she, and you’d have all the time in the world to fill her in on everything that had happened… leaving a few minor details out, of course.

“Goin’ for a piss!” You heard Tommy call out from outside the room, something you responded to with an disinterested grunt.

You just couldn’t help yourself as you continued to flick through the pages.

‘11/20/2003- He’s mad that I keep bringing it up, that I’ve not heard anymore from Lina… I’m a mother, I’m allowed to worry for my children, aren’t I? He keeps saying that I should have more faith in our god… that he’d protect her if she proved herself worthy.’

Scowling you plucked the page to the next passage.

‘02/13/2004- It’s even worse than before.’

And the next.

‘04/10/2004- I had my jaw looked at today. Blamed it on a fall down the stairs… not that it was questioned. People get injured all the time these days.’

And another.

‘04/12/2004- I’ve made a mistake. I need to leave… get away from him but there’s nowhere to go…Please god, protect me.’

Your stomach dropped to the floor, a sense of nausea cascading down over you as you read the entry over and over again. With your heart racing, you looked up. A pair of reading glasses on the opposite night stand stared back at you, a bible shoved beneath the pillow and his recognisable silver cross chain necklace hung over the small mirror above the dresser.

The sound of the bathroom door slamming shut with a heavy force had you rushing out and Tommy stood braced against it with his face ashen and chest heaving.

His eyes were grim as you met them and the feeling of dread manifested itself within you. 

“I-I… you… you can’t, Lina. Can’t go in there.” He stuttered.

“Tommy… move.” You whispered severely, feeling your mind detach from your body. “Now.”

He stood his ground and shook his head and you had no control over yourself as you lunged for him, tackling him away from the door as he begged you to stop.

“I need to… I have to… I need my Mom!” You cried through a strained voice, your poor heart battering against your sternum as the adrenaline kicked in. You’re not even sure where the strength within you came from as you successfully manoeuvred the grown man out of your way.

“Please!” He pleaded through his own panting breath and wet eyes, “You shouldn’t have to see…”

But it was too late, you shoving your entire weight into the partition and bursting through erratically before heaving and vomiting into the toilet at the sight.

There she was, your darling mother… the woman who only ever wanted to be loved. Her body battered, swollen and blue, all slumped and cold within the bath tub. Blood that would have once ran hot and red had congealed into brown streaks that smeared all over the porcelain. Her nose was broken, throat slit and a large laceration was visible upon the crown of her head.

The anguished wail that escaped from your broken body was harrowing as you fell to your knees, the world around you turning tunnelled as your entire life shattered and childhood nightmares came true. Every other sense was numbed by your sorrowful screams and salty tears as you imploded in on yourself. 

What if you had left the house three days earlier? That’s all it would have taken to potentially have gotten her out and away from the abusive hands of that miscreant. 

You could barely register who’s arms it was they belonged to as they wrapped around you, dragging you out of that wretched room and suffocating you within a tight embrace as you sobbed into Tommy’s chest.

“I’m so sorry, Angel. I’m so so fucking sorry…”

——————————————————————

You had become despondent in the days that followed… after of course hurling yourself and all your untainted grief back towards the checkin building where you demanded that they check the name David North against the register… low and behold, there was a match for a man of that name also residing in apartment two zero three of Gilmour tower.

There was no other suspect within your eyes, adamant that it would have had to have been him to inflict such brutality on the woman he once claimed to have loved. You knew this day would come… you’d seen the build up of it over the five years they were together. First the verbal cruelty, then followed by the physical… a light shove that then morphed into a back hand across the cheek. Clearly it had gotten worse since outbreak… but why was she with him? Sharing his old dingy fucking apartment? She told you it was over… that she was seeing someone else? Was it out of fear and the need for familiarity that she hopelessly fell back into him? Could’ve you prevented it if you had been there?

Tommy refused to let you out of his sight, moving you into his own apartment for the few months that followed until you were back on your feet and sick to death of him. He slept on the tattered couch whilst giving you the comfort of the bed, coming to sit at your side for every torturous nightmare you had thereafter, stroking your hair and humming softly until you fell back to sleep.

It helped that he knew exactly what you were going through, that you had helped support him through the death of his own mother just months before. It helped a lot.

A team of FEDRA officers searched the zone for days after, seeking out the man who’d brutally murdered your mother but there was no sign of his existence within the walls… It was a week later, off the back of a wanted flyer that several anonymous tips came in to advise that he’d fled the zone on the night of the thirteenth and hadn’t returned…

You knew that David North was responsible for this heinous crime that went unpunished but you were left with nothing but his sacred words to hold onto… that by putting your faith in his god, that justice would one day be served…

Chapter Text

March 2006- Memphis

"Harder!" You cried out in between strained moans, your eager hand snaking down between your thighs to press against your swollen desperate nub as the cock inside of you picked up its pace. Everything down there all wet and messy.

“Fuck… can feel you doin’ that…keep…shit, Lina…” He groaned.

The coil in your abdomen had spun so tight and you could feel the flutter of your cunt pulsating hopelessly around the length that continued to pump in and out of you. You were so fucking close, your own slick now drooling down and smearing over the soft external skin and that light dizziness began to cloud your mind as you squirmed back against the pressure building up.

"So close... so- so f-fucking close," you managed to whine whilst your finger began to tremble and it was almost becoming painful.

“I ain’t far off. Fuck…”

“D-don’t come yet,” you begged, “Let me…argh… let me first.”

The slightest fraction of an angle change was all it took as you hit your peak with a wanton wail, one you futilely tried to muffle by turning your face and stuffing it into the pillow beneath your head. Your entire body convulsed within his hold as the coil snapped and a sense of euphoria flooded through you. The kind that started from the top of your head and washed all the way through to the very tips of your toes. His hands were all over you; familiar, warm and gentle but as always they failed to spark anything within you other than the need to get off. 

He fucked you through the entirety of your climax with you clenching and gripping at the part of him that slotted inside you until you were left limp and boneless. His high being the new priority now that yours had been successfully achieved, something you were more than happy to assist with as you met each of his thrusts in beat with the little energy you had remaining and snaked your arm around to the back of his neck where you threaded your fingers through the grown out lengths and gently tugged. You exactly knew what he liked by this points , what would make him crumble and fall from the edge of the cliff- just as he did with you.

"Sh-shit..." Tommy growled into the shell of your ear, his whole body drawing tight as his fingers squeezed your soft flesh into him that bit more.

You felt him press into you rigidly once, twice more before his hips stuttered against your ass and then as always he was frantically dragging himself from within your saturated slit to push his pulsing cock in between the meat of your thighs, jerking himself a few strokes more before coating the delicate skin there in his own spend. 

Neither of you spoke for a few long seconds after as you caught your breath, his chest rising and falling against the clammy skin of your back. It wasn't an uncomfortable silence by any means, there was never any awkwardness between the two of you actually. Rules hadn't been set out so to speak, you didn't really need them with both you and him understanding exactly what this was from the moment it started almost nine months ago after one too many shots of rum and a shared abysmal day.

You were friends. That was all. Just really great friends who just so happened to also use one another to find relief in the form of sex. There were no hidden feelings or unspoken truths. You knew where you stood as did he. It was just some unapologetic fun, casual with no strings whilst neither of you were occupied with other relationships. You'd fuck and then go back to being best friends, something that was easy to put down and pick back up again when needed.

That was the best thing when it came to Tommy and you had said it so many times before, there were never any consequences.

He flippantly patted your ass once he'd regained his composure and removed himself from between your sticky thighs. Within just a click of a finger all had returned to being totally platonic- if not slightly domestic. You rolled onto your back to provide him with the attention he was so persistently trying to get from you.

"Mornin'." You couldn't help but smile at the boyish grin on his face as he spoke. “Gotta say, think you’re my favourite kind of alarm clock.”

"Good morning to you too." You chuckled, “and ditto. That thing you did… with the?”

“Yeah?”

You hummed happily, “yeah, keep doing that.” 

“Yes ma’am,” He saluted before arching his brow expectantly, an obvious and pressing topic change on the horizon, "Eggs for breakfast?"

"You shouldn't even need to ask that. Of course I want eggs for breakfast."

Tommy provided another light playful swat to your thigh as a smirk tugged to his lips, "Go n' get cleaned up then."

——————————————————————

You groaned dramatically as you rammed the forkful of scrambled egg into your mouth, all creamy and flavourful. Never in a million years did you ever once think that you'd almost have an orgasm over a dish that was as basic as eggs on toast yet here you were, with your eyes rolling into the back of your skull and considering it as a delicacy- even if it was lightly seasoned with fragments of shell.

Eggs were now seen as a luxury, as was most fresh produce these days. It was extortionately priced if you wanted to get your hands on such items within the QZ, usually only being purchased by the likes of the higher ranking FEDRA officers and doctors- those that had high earning contractural work unlike yourself. Your own apartment only ever being lightly stocked with tinned goods and bland non perishables... You weren't daft either, you knew damn well that the legal labour work that Tommy participated in around the zone would never pay enough for him to afford half the shit that had turned up in his apartment over the course of the last year- especially since FEDRA began to enforce monthly taxes and rent on all those who didn't already own their property prior to outbreak. 

You couldn't help but one day ask as he presented you with an actual fucking cheddar cheese and pickle sandwich after you'd all but cried to him about being able to barely afford to feed yourself. He'd been so candid about it as well, on the promise that you kept your mouth shut- not that you really spoke to anyone other than him anyway... That he and Joel had gotten involved with a small group that operated on the east side of the zone, mainly dealing within the underground markets. That there'd be set jobs each month, whether it be sneaking out of the zone to complete trades or keeping on the low within to distribute and make drops. It made it so that he was living quite comfortably, people willing to pay good money for the valuables he was able to get his hands on.

"Where do you even get these from?" You asked between mouthfuls, pointing your fork towards the open egg crate on the side "I swear you've always got a fresh box of them. Fucking insane."

He huffed a laugh, pushing his cleared plate away from him and he leant back within his chair, "This guy about a mile out of town that we trade with, he's got a few chickens... always chucks a couple of boxes in on top the payment."

"Huh..." You bobbed your head, curiosity getting the better of you, "What'd ya trade?"

"Cannabis." Tommy shrugged, reaching over to stab his fork into the piece of crust that you'd left and shoved it into his mouth. "We provide him with whatever the fuck he needs from the QZ and he supplies us with Cannabis in return."

"So you're dealing drugs?" You asked flatly.

"Oh c'mon, Lina," He groaned. "S'just a bit of weed, ain't nothin' hardcore. Anyway, how hard is it to get your hands on pain meds now? Ain't like you can just run on down to the store for a box of Tylenol..."

It was true. The level of medical care within the zone had declined dramatically over the last year, the city now overcrowded with newcomers who caught wind of a safe place to live but without the resources to sustain such numbers, the quality of life had dropped.

"It's sought after...an alternative for pain management. Ain't nothin' sinister." He continued, "Besides, it ain't the only thing we deal in. We'll go out n' scout for clothes, actual medicine and just basic shit, mainly. Just stuff the QZ is low on..."

You hummed your understanding. It wasn't like you'd never experimented with the stuff. You very much had with it being rife in college but the people that dealt it... well, they weren't like Tommy...  Shit, you both had even shared a couple of joints in this very apartment since arriving at the zone but you'd just never thought to question where he'd gotten it from... let alone had any inkling that he was the damn supplier. 

"You mentioned you've got one of your 'special' jobs today. What's that all about?" You asked, surrounding the word with air quotes.

"Ugh, don't call it that..." He grimaced.

"Fine." You smirked, "Side hustle, then."

Tommy sighed giving you a raised brow before then providing you with the details, "Well, the cannabis job happened start of last week. Tess has been workin' on curin' the buds and gettin' them bagged... Today is distribution day- gotta get it out to our customers."

"Look at you, Mr Dealer," You teased with a wink whilst tightening the scruffy bun you'd thrown up on top of your head. “You got many to deliver to?”

"Shut up...and yeah, just over thirty across town at the moment. Me n’ Joel’ll take fifteen each, Tess takes the stragglers."

“Hmm, I see…Are there not more of you in your little group?”

”Yeah, six of us in total. The other three are already stationed elsewhere today with other drops.”

"So...This Tess..." You bobbed your eyebrows and leaned forward on the table, "You've mentioned her quite a bit... are you guys, Y'know?"

The tumbler of water that Tommy held within his grip was slammed down to the table as he choked on what he was about to swallow, "Fuck no- hell no. Strictly business."

He composed himself whilst you broke into laughter, "She's an attractive girl and don't get me wrong, I'm all for a woman who can take care of her own but Tess? Damn, she's somethin' else. Woman would damn near break me, I reckon."

"Really?" You asked sipping on your own water.

Tommy hummed, "We got caught up in a bit of a spat outside the wall last month- some fuckers tryna get a jump on us to take our shit and fuck, you shoulda seen her. She was fuckin' terrifyin'- went from tryin' to flirt her way out of it to slaughterin' them within a split second."

"Oh shit. I gotta meet this gal at some point. Sounds like she could teach me a thing or two." You said, pulling a somewhat impressed face.

"Plus," Tommy leaned into the table, getting as close to you as possible and even checking his surroundings as if he was about to tell you the secret of the century, "and I don't know for sure but I reckon she's been fuckin' Joel."

Now that did make you choke. “What makes you think that?”

“I dunno,” He said thoughtfully, “Always seem to be pairin’ up on outside trips… been over his unannounced a coupla times n’ she’s been there. He’d never fuckin’ spill though- he’s funny like that.”

You blinked and sniffed the trapped water away whilst trying to sound unfazed, "Good for them, I guess."

It'd been approaching two years since you'd last really seen him. The very last being just before you moved out of Tommy's a few months after your mothers murder and clearly Joel hadn't been informed of yours and his brothers arrangement as he helped himself to the front door. You had been sat on the couch with a book in hand whilst he glared at you for all of a few seconds before storming past to find Tommy. You hadn't expected to see him either considering that he and Tommy had their own falling out shortly after arriving, one that caused them not to speak for months on end. You never bothered asking what it was about, assuming it to have been something irrational on Joel's part.

Still, just the mention of him giving what you had once so desperately wanted to another woman made your chest sting for a passing moment. A flurry of unwanted and for you, painful memories coming to mind, "So...you think they're like, dating or something?"

Tommy chuckled with a shake of his head, "Nah, I wouldn't go that far."

You mouthed an 'O' whilst dragging the pad of your finger across your now mostly empty plate and sucking off the remnants of egg.

Tommy, looking rather smug with himself, then leant back into his chair whilst sprawling out casually, "I have a date, though."

"Date or one night stand?" You asked cynically.

He slammed his eyes at you, "Date. I'm tryna take it all a bit more seriously now."

"Bout time." Trying to restrain the smirk on your face was a task, "You are getting on a bit."

"I'm thirty." Tommy deadpanned.

"Yeah. Old." You said, finally letting the smirk crack across your face, "Anyway, spill the beans. Who, where, when?"

"Tomorrow night and well, here- so stay at your own apartment, please." He gave you a pointed look before softening, "and uh, you been to the markets, right?"

"Yes, Tommy. I've been to the market." You retorted. Just like everyone else in this goddamn place, you wouldn't survive without going to the damn market.

"Well, you know the woman behind the shoe lace stand? Long red hair?" You bobbed your head, you knew the one, "Yeah, her. Her name's Vicky, a real sweetheart."

You smiled, a genuine smile that crinkled your eyes and you did feel a little flutter of happiness for your friend, "Aww. Well you're gonna have to tell me how it goes- I want all of the dets! She's always seemed really friendly when I've passed."

His own grin matched yours, "Yeah, she is." He paused for a beat before scraping his chair back to stand, "What about you? Anyone got your attention?"

"No." You sighed. Your own dating life had been a shambles and it weren't through lack of trying. There had been one guy, a couple years your senior- he'd been one of the officers too. He'd seemed nice to start with, handsome as well...until he began bragging about the number of women he had slept with since achieving his status. You'd managed a few dates with him before politely cutting it off and without letting him into your pants. You were not about to be another strike on his bedpost. There had been a couple of others as well, none of which being worth your time... "Place is just full of assholes..."

Tommy walked around, musing your already messy hair as he dropped his plate into the sink, "Ah, you'll find someone, kid. You're still young."

"Nope," you grimaced, "Don't 'kid' me. Not after we've just... I'm twenty three!"

"Alright, don't get your knickers in a twist," He flicked the back of your head causing you to grumble.

With another sigh, you half heartedly glanced up at the clock on the wall, the panic suddenly hitting you as you did a double take, "Shit... fuck. I'm so fucking late. Fuck. Fuck. Fuuck. I gotta go!"

You all but threw yourself out of the chair and raced to gather your belongings that by this point were scattered all across Tommys apartment.

"Late for what?" You heard him call out from where you left him standing.

"Meant to be down for cleaning at the emergency rooms at ten and it's..." You scanned over the clock once more, "Fuck! Nine forty three and I've not even got pants on!"

He seemed quite content chuckling away to himself whilst watching you frantically scurrying around. You light heartedly back handed his shoulder as you passed him to get to the front door.

"Remember..." He called out just as you were about to leave.

"Yeah, yeah, I know..." You said, nonchalantly flicking your hand as you stepped into the hallway, "No unannounced visits tomorrow evening- I got it... I'll catch you on the weekend though, yeah?"

"If I can get the TV workin' again, movie night on Saturday? Got my hands on a copy of The Sixth Sense." 

"Oof, Bruce Willis can get it. Yeah, I'll be over at like... seven, that work?" You called back, already half way down the corridor.

"See ya then, Angel!"

Yeah... he really had to stop calling you that if he was planning to bring an actual girlfriend into the mix but you were already late. It was a conversation that could wait.

—————————————————————————

You weren't entirely sure what the fuck had happened within this room before you arrived but it now felt like hours that you had been on your hands and knees with a toothbrush, scrubbing spilt blood from the grouting between the tiled floor.

A stabbing, is what you'd overheard someone say...a knife attack that had broken out over some deal that had gone awry. Crime rates were going up month on month. A combination of the place becoming over populated and a lack of civilisation being the route cause of the sudden increase. People were no longer afraid of being locked up- why would they be when they'd already experienced so much worse outside of these very walls. A cell with four walls, a roof and meals provided each day? In this day and age, that all sounded somewhat appealing at the price of your freedom for some. As it turns out, the things that you, Tommy and Joel had done so far to stay alive? Yeah, all that sounded pretty tame compared to some of the stories that you had been told. But even the jails had become overrun from what you'd heard... that many a crime would now go unpunished due to the lack of capacity- a slice of information that had become common knowledge was now also a key component in the sudden vacancy of morals...

"Rough night?" Sally had become a familiar face to you over the course of the past couple of years. A single mother of three who was simply just trying to get by through any means necessary. You'd often find yourselves working the same jobs and buddying up to get the tasks done quicker despite her being nearly two decades your senior.

You looked up at her blankly, the fly aways of your bun stuck to the frame of your face, "Huh?"

"Oh." She teased, bobbing her brows, "I know that look."

"What look?" You grumbled, dropping your head to focus on the crimson stain situated beside your thumb.

"I was your age once," She said, batting your hand away to demonstrate a better scrubbing technique on the section of tile you were working on, "Reddened eyes, flushed skin, late to work... hasn't showered..."

You glanced up at that, eyes narrowing at her observation of your current condition. "I smell that bad, huh?"

Sally chuckled lightly, moving away once the patch was clean, "You know I'm going to ask for the details...My sad little life lives through your youth. Who is he?"

"I have no details to give..." You didn't care enough to explain and so you sighed, "I just crashed at a friends last night and overslept."

She was relentless, persistent at trying to get any amount of gossip from you, "A friend, huh?"

You gave her nothing, "Yup- My best pal, actually, if you really must know. A good friend who's apartment is actually stocked with food..."

"Stocked with food...and willing to share," Sally repeated thoughtfully, "now that is gossip worthy..."

"Yeah..." You hummed airily, diverting your eye contact and going quiet. The atmosphere changed as soon as you did, as if Sally's wisdom could sense something.

"You doing okay, sweet? I mean in general?" You could feel her eyes studying you, them roaming over your hunched up frame with a sudden seriousness falling into her tone, "I've noticed that you've lost some weight recently. You struggling?"

"A little..." You shrugged truthfully. "Think most people are though at the moment. It's hard out there- but you already know that...I've been trying to ration myself to one meal a day but yeah...even that is...." You trailed off with a long tired sigh.

It hadn't just been medical care and crime rates that had been affected by the continuous spike in population. All resources had become tight as a result, including the essentials. Prices of basic foods had gone up and wages had been cut to try and prolong stock between deliveries... but even when distribution day did take place, there was rarely enough added into the inventory to sufficiently provide for all who lived in the city nowadays. There had been rumours that they were planning to close the gates, to arrange for any newcomers seeking refuge to be transferred over to the upcoming zone in Conway... It hadn't appeared to have happened though, with more new faces appearing on the streets with each passing day.

"You know there's other ways, right? To get by..." Sally spoke lowly, scrubbing the tiles with a little more elbow grease as to not draw any unwanted attention.

You shook your head, dunking the now ratty toothbrush back into the bucket of disinfectant, "I'm not exactly cut out for smuggling...heard that FEDRA are getting tougher on those they catch anyway. It's too risky."

"Not what I'm talking about." She muttered. You frowned, pausing your movements and urged for her to expand. Sally's expression twitched, as if debating on whether to provide you with the knowledge she carried.

"You've lost me, Sal." You huffed and continued to scour the grout. 

A few more seconds of hesitant silence passed before she finally decided to clarify her previous statement, "What I'm referring to is... a different kind of work..."

Again, you found your hand hovering in place with brows drawing together. Sally didn't hold back any further, a deep sigh escaping her."The speakeasy on Talbot Avenue, you know the place?" She paused as you nodded slowly, eyeing her up curiously, "Hm...well, it's...uh... a good place to practice the oldest trade in the book..."

It finally clicked for you, your eyes widening at what was being suggested, "Oh...um... I don't think...err...Isn't-Isn't that...illegal?"

"The whole place is, hon. You know what a speakeasy is, right?" She snorted. You learned the term around a year ago when a list of new laws came to pass. Communal drinking had been made illicit as an attempt to keep on top of the ever rising crime rates... however, it seemed to be one of those laws that were rarely, if ever, enforced, with a few establishments remaining open and serving with seemingly no bother.

"I know but I mean necking down a pint after a long day compared to prostitution... that's very different..." 

"Not in the eyes of the guards, it's not." Sally shrugged, "They're the biggest customer base in there. For both the alcohol and well, the women."

You swallowed thickly, a sudden comprehension dawning on you as you snapped your head towards her and gaped, "Do-have you...?"

"Close your mouth sweetheart," She snorted, the small smirk on her face falling to something more grim, "You said a moment ago that you can barely afford to feed yourself on what the zone pay us. Well, I have three additional mouths to feed as well as my own on that. It's easy money and pays well... Once, twice per month on top of this work- it gets me by. I refuse to watch my kids starve." Her face pinched before addressing you once more, "I'm not saying you should, either... I'm just letting you know that you don't have to go hungry..."

The remainder of the day passed quickly with all main operating rooms being in a similar state of disarray, the knees of your tatty navy jeans stained with someone else's blood as the klaxon sounded at exactly six pm. 

You didn't hang about, dropping what you were doing after deeming the room to be clean enough before heading on over to the check out point.

The line was already lengthy as you joined the back of the queue. As always it moved quickly with each person having their ticket stamped before taking their hard earned cards. It wasn't long before you were up next.

 "Ticket and ID." The man behind the desk hadn't so much as glanced up at you, his palm held out flat in wait, "You want the same tomorrow or street sweeping?"

"Same please."

"Nine am start, six thirty finish. Emergency room slots have already been filled so you'll be stationed for cleaning at the prison."

Promptly you placed the crumpled sheet of A5 into his splayed hand along with your identification card and listened to the satisfying thump of the stamp. The noise sounding like relief as your mind came to associate it with the end of another tiresome day. You watched him and it was almost robotic the way in which he slotted your ticket into his folder, crossed out your name from the list and then counted out your ration cards.

He handed them over to you without speaking another word, his eyes instantly glancing past your shoulder and over to the person standing behind, "Next."

"Wait." You frowned without moving away, counting and recounting the cards that you'd been given, "Where's the rest?"

"That's your lot. Please can you-"

Your face fell as you looked up at him, splaying out the few cards in your hand for him to clearly see. There had to have been some kind of mistake. This couldn't be it, "This is just over half of what I'm usually paid."

"Look," He sighed, finally allowing his reluctant attention to fall onto you. "We've had to make cuts all over. That's the new rate for this job. Now pl-"

"How the hell am I supposed to survive on this?" You exclaimed, waving the few scraps of yellow and green beneath his nose, "It's fucking peanuts! I can barely afford my apartment as it is!"

"Ain't my problem, princess." He snapped back before audibly huffing his vexation towards you and dragging his line of sight back onto the person stood directly behind you, "Next! C'mon, keep it moving!"

You watched the daylight capsize on your walk home. The orange and yellow glow draining down towards the horizon, dipping behind those slowly crumbling skyscrapers that still peaked out above those tall dreary grey walls, all to be replaced by hues of purple and navy blue that casted lilac shadows upon the streets that surrounded you. 

Your apartment was shrouded by twilight upon entry, dark contours outlining the minimal furniture as you unlocked the front door. Flicking on the light switch did nothing to illuminate the space you now called your own... a few missed electricity payments resulted in your power being cut off a few days prior. You'd debated on telling Tommy, making him aware of the true extent of just how dire your circumstances were becoming... You knew he'd help you too. It was the type of person he was but you couldn't let him. Couldn't put that burden onto him- Your pride wouldn't allow it... You were an adult, not a charity and he'd already helped you out so much.

Instead, you reached for the flashlight that was now kept beside your front door, flicking it on before locking the partition up behind you.

Wandering into your kitchen area you shone the beam into your mostly bare cupboards, your fingers just about reaching the back of the middle shelf to pull out your last tin of spam.

You looked the can over, its contents making you feel nauseous whilst resigning yourself to the fact that it was either stomaching the block of processed mush or going without...You couldn't afford to miss out on another meal, not when you had another full day ahead tomorrow.

You placed the can down onto the counter- the thought of it sitting heavy in your gut postponing your seemingly constant hunger for the time being. Instead, you reached straight for the top drawer where you rummaged around for your box of matches, striking a flame onto one of the short sticks and igniting the many candles you had by now dotted around the place to highlight your home with a warm glow.

Every damn time you arrived home, to be faced with these oppressive drab walls that enclosed nothing but loneliness, you felt yourself sink that little bit more. You were happy for Tommy, getting out there and finding a life for himself. Really, you were... and you fucking hated that small selfish part of you that was more concerned with how you'd cope without the constant access to him. He was all you had. The only constant that had been in your life since outbreak.

 You'd occasionally think about it, late at night when it was just you and your head, what it might be like if you'd just try to love him in that way... to feel a flicker of the spark that you had felt with his brother. You'd even tried to force yourself into believing that you did... but it never came to fruition and you knew that he didn't feel that spark for you either...

Ramming your hand into your back pocket you pulled out your sorrowful earnings for the day and with a heavy sigh spread them out over the work top. You scratched the back of your neck before grabbing at the biscuit tin that stored the pittance of your savings and emptied those out too. 

"Fifty..fifty five...sixty..." You counted beneath your breath, dragging a heavy palm down over your weary face, "Fuck..."

It wasn't enough. Rent was due on Monday and there wasn't enough for you to pay up. You were twenty short... and out of food. You'd heard what happens to those who couldn't keep up with their rent... the mixed hostels that you'd be moved into. Them grimy and soulless, sharing a mouldy mattress with a likely moral-less stranger. They were lawless too, soldiers and guards not paying too much attention to the goings on within those buildings. Stories of abuse and rape escaping into the wider community.

You'd thought about it then, as well. Running to Tommy's but your integrity wouldn't let you... what would it achieve anyway? Yes, a full stomach maybe for tonight but you'd only be in the exact same boat again tomorrow... a night where you couldn't rely on him.

It hit you then, the words that Sally had spoken during your shift. You didn't have to starve. There were other ways.

The mere notion of it made your breath stutter, a sense of disgust washing over you just for considering it as an option... but what choice were you being left with? It was just sex after all... all you had to do was lay back and look desirable, then by the next morning all of your problems would be in the past...

Rolling your head back to the ceiling, you braced yourself against the counter. You thought of Laura...You thought of your Mother...About how much easier it would have been if you had just let that boy bite you in the chicken shop. You would have been with them by now, the three of you together in a painless paradise but your instinctive fear had to kick in. It keeping you alive time after time. You could feel it in your throat, all thick and obstructing but no tears would well- it seemed like you had run out of those. The months that followed your mothers death seemed to have used them all up...

You thought of her all the damn time. With every mundane task you completed, she was there at the back of your mind along with Laura. Would they be proud of you, still? Were you being the person that they'd want you to be? 

"I'm sorry..." You muttered quietly, more to them than yourself and hoping that they'd hear. Of course, they wouldn't want this for you. Of course they wouldn't be proud of what you were about to do...

With that same lump still lodged within your throat, you abandoned the kitchen, blowing the candles out on your way and deciding after all to ditch the spam completely- perhaps it'd become more appealing at breakfast- before indolently traipsing into your bedroom.

Sitting on the edge of your mattress with palms smoothing over the cotton sheets, you glanced towards your wardrobe. You'd come to despise that little black dress, it not seeing the light of day bar the fleeting few seconds where you'd dragged it from your bag and all but tossed the garment into the back of the closet. You hadn't touched it since...

You thought about pulling it out in that moment, giving it a once over before having to find the courage to drag it on over your body tomorrow but the desire to set your eyes on it before you truly had to simply wasn't there. Instead you crawled across the bed and reached for your bedside table, clasping ahold of the only physical reminder you had of your mothers existence, her diary.

There had been pages you'd ripped out and burned... all those dated after October fourth... passages that were too hard for you to ever come to terms with. Her silent pleas for help that likely never left her lips. You only wanted the good...to read about the lunches with friends and pretty crisp winter mornings she witnessed during a short vacation to New York. Not her pain nor suffering at the hands of that monster...Not all those days and weeks where you were too late to save her whilst huddled up in that safe little haven that the three of you had created for yourselves. It made you sick to your stomach, still.

There had been only one other item that you had retrieved and kept from your mothers old apartment. Tommy had stumbled across it around a month after discovering her body, whilst he helped you clear the apartment. It was a photo, an old one at that. With a front peg vacant from your otherwise toothy smile and long dark braids falling over each of your shoulders you must have been around six or seven. Your Mom was beside you, chartreuse green eyes much like your own staring directly down the lense of the camera and in that image, she looked just like you, you thought. You'd removed it from its battered frame and glued the memory into the inside cover of her diary, wanting everything you had of her to be in one accessible place for when you needed it. Just how you needed it now.

You ran the pad of your finger over the glossy image, smiling sadly to yourself before flicking the page to the first passage- your favourite.

'12/25/2001 - We sang. We ate. We laughed. We smiled. Today was just like how they used to be- just me and my little Sisi... Though, she's not so little anymore- growing up far too fast. Nineteen, would you ever believe it?! I still can't believe she's training to be a midwife. My baby going out and making this world her own- so so proud. She remembered as well, how much I like to jot down these little thoughts to look back on and how I'd ran out of pages in my last book. She brought me this diary as a gift- so thoughtful. I've made a whole slew of mistakes in my lifetime but my Sisi is certainly not one of them. She might just be the best thing I've ever done... Maybe I can do this on my own. All I need is my girl. Merry Christmas xx'

She had been so close to escaping him back then. You could remember the light in her eyes that Christmas when, just as you did as a kid, crawled into her bed early that morning to open your stocking. As much as you loved that memory, it was still tainted by the knowledge that she let him back in just the month after you returned to Austin... Even if it were just for another six months before they split yet again. You wished now that you had been honest about dropping out of college, that you'd just moved back home last summer instead of lying... that maybe if you had, you could have changed her dismal fate...and perhaps she could have changed yours...

——————————————————————

It had been the first time in a very long while that you had actually taken the time to look at yourself in the mirror...to really inspect what you'd become over the years since outbreak but the reflection staring back was one of a girl that you could barely recognise.

The fundamentals were all the same, with your deep mahogany locks and your jade eyes but there lingered a heavy sadness behind them that hadn't existed before. It wasn't just the solemn demeanour that contorted the way you saw yourself either. There were all the physical changes to your body in addition, some that you had become plenty aware of and others that you found yourself only noticing in the moment as you pulled your appearance apart. The way in which this godawful dress now fitted only amplified each of those evolutions...

Parts of you looked more mature, your hips stretching out the ebony material in a way they hadn't done so back in '03- that being an observation you hadn't really noticed until that moment. Your waist was a much different matter... You'd always been healthy prior to outbreak. With a combination of eating right and exercising, you'd felt mostly confident within the body you'd built with a good amount of flesh and muscle toning your core... The dress hung on you in that area now, it's fabric all loose and baggy after dropping more weight than what you were happy with. The majority of the muscle had wasted away and your ribs now protruded to the point where they were visible. You'd tried to reestablish some homemade fitness routine to stick to but the lack of food being ingested only served to promote that weight loss further... it was a viscous circle.

You ditched the idea of your old push up bra whilst tugging the neckline up over your breasts, another item of clothing that no longer fitted correctly thanks to the changes of your shape and then you stood to the side and ran a palm down over your front, everything bar your ass looking flatter that it ever had done before.

No part of you felt truly comfortable with what you were about to partake in, a dispirited sigh deflating your lungs as you painted your lips with nude pink and flicked your eyelashes with the remaining paste from your old mascara tube. You tried lying to yourself, your inside voice telling you that you were just getting ready for another night out- just like the ones back in Austin. And as you tugged and shook out the old pair of tights that you had wrapped your damp locks around and watched as a soft curl bounced down, you very almost believed it.

This particular speakeasy, one of the three remaining, was situated on the other side of town in comparison to your apartment and how you didn't snap your ankle on the walk down, you'd never know. The first few minutes of your rather slow journey proving that you had become rather out of practice with the art that was walking in heels.

The entire way you'd felt out of place, exposed even, as if all who passed by were looking and judging with the knowledge of what you were planning to do. Slut. Whore. Hooker. It was a stupid belief, a paranoia, knowing damn well that the majority of people within this place could no longer give a shit on what you were up to. It was a different world now, one where life had proved itself too unpredictable and short for such concerns about the way strangers chose to live. 

All insecurities and exposure you found yourself harbouring were soon washed away as you entered through the door of the run down establishment.

You hadn't had any need to venture onto Talbot Avenue before, let alone into the old bar that stood there, not when yours and Tommys usual local was just two blocks away from home. There was no denying that the vibe here was different... it was busier and the air thick with the smog of cigarette smoke. It was noisy too, the one way you were able to differentiate between who was FEDRA and who was a citizen of the city- the off duty officers tending to be clustered around tables in small groups whilst being loud and boisterous. Glancing around the room, it was clear to see what Sal had been talking about. Sauntering between and around those tables were an abundance of girls and women, all of which dressed far more provocatively than you, with flesh and skin on show. Suddenly you thought of yourself as dressing quite conservatively in comparison, a contrasted view to the one you had of yourself just moments ago.

You had not the first clue on how you were going to navigate this entire situation... Did you just walk on up to a table and ask if they were interested? And if they were, do you go home with them or them with you or just use the bathroom within the facility? Perhaps you should have done a more thorough job at cleaning your apartment but... would they really care either way? It's not like they were interested in a tour of the place, that isn't what they're here for. As long as your pussy was clean and soft- something you had done a thorough job with before leaving- that was all they would be interested in...What about your pricing, though? What was the standard rate for a quick fuck?... Was there a pricing  guide somewhere that you could use or do you just make it up? What if you asked for too little or for too much?

The decision was made to hold off for a while and simply observe. To try and overhear how the other girls approached the subject. Sal had mentioned that she'd always target the FEDRA officers as opposed to any other of the bars customers, apparently they were more willing to part with their ration cards... perhaps you should try and do the same thing... A small part of you hoped that you'd find her here tonight, that she could show you the ropes and inform you of any red flags to watch out for but it appeared that you were to have no such luck.

Your nerves were eating away at you the longer you stared, all these women seemed so at ease with their sultry smiles and seductive eyes, moving so fluently from table to table and it was becoming increasingly obvious as to how out of place you were. 

Swallowing thickly you tugged down the hem of your skirt, a decision made that you needed to find some dutch courage in the form of a drink or two and briskly you began to push your way through the crowd. 

You felt your heart stutter that bit more as the bar came into view, a familiar figure with dark hair and broad shoulders sat alone with his back to you and you prayed that he wouldn't notice your presence. Joel had made his sudden distaste of you crystal in the days leading up to your arrival to this city with a slew of spiteful words and scathing glares, that he wanted nothing more to do with you where it could be helped and the pair of you had done a pretty damn good job at avoiding one another ever since. Apart from the one unintentional run in at Tommy's, you had somehow not even seen a passing glimpse of him in over eighteen months- something you deemed to be pretty impressive considering all the times that Tommy had mentioned his brothers regular visits to his apartment. The apartment that was in the same building as yours.

Part of you had been surprised that Joel was even still here in the city two years on, with him being so adamant that Memphis was no more than a pit stop for him but it seemed that he was more reliant on his brothers company than he ever used to let on...

Still, you knew far better than to even think about approaching him and so instead you made your way to the opposite side and began to flag down the tender.

What was supposed to be one or two drinks had quickly turned into a downward spiral as you kept handing over the very ration cards you were trying to earn... You kept telling yourself that it was fine, that you'd make it all back and extra by the end of the night so what did it matter that you'd let yourself indulge a little before hand but it was getting late and the hours kept passing without you moving from your spot. 

At one point you spotted from the corner of your eye, one of the other girls approach Joel with her long peroxide blonde hair, lacy bralet and barely there denim miniskirt that left very little to the imagination... That unpleasant sensation within your chest returned, the same unwanted sting that you felt as Tommy told you his beliefs surrounding his brother and this Tess woman. You couldn't watch, scrunching up your nose and downing the remnants of your latest... something on the rocks... you had no fucking idea what it was that you were drinking but it was cheap and doing the job.

Women and men moved around you alike, and not one seemed to notice you, as if you were blended into the scene. Your head span from the intoxication but you still had enough capacity to understand that you weren't going to be earning shit by just standing there. You began to study your surroundings, your freshly topped up tumbler still in hand. There was the table to the far left, a group of five that all appeared to be somewhere in their mid twenties to early thirties, clustered around a table full of empties... You'd seen one of them follow a girl with chestnut hair into the bathrooms to return several minutes later looking slightly disheveled but they were still here, clearly waiting for something more... Something that perhaps you could offer...

Just to your right and up was another smaller bench at the back of the room, three older men who looked to be more middle aged, fifties maybe, sat looking so serious, so stoic as they sipped on their whiskey. You'd bet that they could do with letting off some steam... that they also looked to be of a higher rank... that they might offer you more than what the younger men could if you impressed them enough-

"The hell are you doin' here?" 

You jumped a mile. Your free hand jerking to clasp at your heart as you took a breath and swallowed thickly. The thick southern accent was recognisable from a mile away as you spun around to be met with those recognisable yet unreadable umber irises, the blonde you last saw him with now nowhere in sight.

"The last I checked, it was still a free country. It's not like I expected for you to be here." Unable to stop yourself, you snapped whilst sipping from your glass and slamming your eyes.

"Not what I meant." He snorted incredulously before responding bluntly, settling himself in beside you and peering back over his shoulder, presumably checking the whereabouts of his previous company.

He looked different as you gave him a once over... tidier than you had expected with his hair shorter and facial hair trimmed and neat. You couldn't help but wonder if that was Tess's doing or some one else's since it had been you that trimmed his hair previously. You continued to cut Tommy’s so someone must have been taking care of him. Still, just looking at him made your heart skip a beat...you'd hoped that the time apart would have dampened that spark of captivation you once had for him. It hadn't. Goddamn it.

You weren't entirely sure how to answer his question, that perhaps you should just say that you needed a drink- which wouldn't exactly be a lie but he'd surely question why here and why alone. Then you remembered... he was in here too. What the hell was he here for? You already knew the answer to that... the same fucking reason why anyone came to this place in particular. There were bars closer to both of you if it were just for a drink and perhaps it was the alcohol- no, it was definitely the alcohol- that gave you the coat of confidence to play on that fact. You tilted your head to the side, a pout forming upon your lips, "I reckon that I'm here for the same purpose as you..."

He scoffed, plucking the glass from your hands and downing the rest of its content with a soured grimace causing you to cuss him out, "You reckon, huh?"

Through gritted teeth and hardened eyes you tried to flag down the bar tender once more without taking your stare away from the man in front of you, "Same motive. Different reasons, I assume... I gather you're here to spend cards rather than earn them."

"Oh. You’re assuming now?"

"Why else would either of us be here, Joel?" You dragged your eyes away from him just as the bar man approached, your expression softening as you went to make your order, only to be cut off by a thick intrusive arm stretching out in front of you. “Whatever’s cheapest next to water ple…”

"Nah..." Joel shook his head, glare burning into the man who instantly began to back off, "She's done here."

"Excuse me?" You laughed darkly, your words beginning to slur as you questioned the entitlement he seemed to think he had over you, "what gives you the fucking right to-"

“You’ve had enough.” He gave you no chance to complete your rant, glancing around the room nonchalantly as if he hadn't even heard you, "C'mon, we're leavin'."

You raised your brows in disbelief and scoffed. "I'm not going anywhere- especially with you, thank you very much."

With that Joel snatched for your wrist, harsh fingers grabbing roughly as he began to drag you along behind him, "Yeah, you are. I'm takin' you home."

You tried to plant your feet, them failing to ground you as you tripped and stumbled along behind him. He didn't let up, not even slowing down for you to catch up as he dragged you through the bar and out the door. For a large duration of your reluctant walk back home you found yourself venting your frustrations at the matter.

"Ouch! You're... fuck, let go!" You cried, attempting to shake his death grip from you only for him to lock his fingers around your wrist tighter.

"What the fuck is your fucking problem, Joel!" You tried a failed attempt at tugging him back but he continued to power on ahead whilst paying no mind to your mouth. "I needed the cards! I fucking... ARGH!"

It didn't stop you, the words becoming more hurtful as you moved, the alcohol and anger poisoning your tongue, "You don't get to do this! You can't just fuck me, blame me for everything, avoid me and then try and control what I do after years of fucking nothing! You don't know me, Joel!"

"Yeah I do." He sighed coolly.

"No! You don't!" 

Having him actually respond only made you want to scream more. He was confusing, infuriating even. Why the fuck was he so bothered about you right in this moment when he hadn't given a shit in so long? Why did he choose to interfere now when the result was so catastrophic to you? You were on the brink of losing everything...

"I'm about to lose my fucking home!" You blurted out, digging your nails into the flesh of his hand, leaving behind five red crescent indents.

Joel jostled your arm and flicked your other hand away, as if you were nothing more than a hindering insect that needed swatting, "Gathered." 

Gathered. What the fuck was that? How could he gather anything about your circumstance when he'd not spoke to you in years? Even so, he'd 'gathered' correctly and was still so fucking indifferent to your words, as if he was here to purposely and knowingly fuck things up for you and you just couldn't understand why. Why now? "I...You..You can't..." The frustration bubbled and boiled into a stuttering mess, it then peaking as a venomous and almost childish snarl, "I hate you!"

Joel's movements stuttered at that, his face finally tweaking to look at you out of the corner of his eye. It felt like he was trying to read you, trying to get into your head and investigate the truth of those vituperations and it was as if he succeeded as he snorted once, "No you don't."

You fell quiet after that, his words replaying over and over within your mind. How could he be so sure? He was right, your words being spat in temper...but was it that obvious? 

There was no fight left within you after that point, plodding along behind him whilst resigning yourself to the fact that you perhaps needed to call off your movie night tomorrow with Tommy in order to make another attempt at the speakeasy with the hopes that Joel wouldn't be there... You would have no choice if you wanted to have a chance at making your rent...

Joel lead you straight up to your front door and if you had the energy remaining, you sure as hell would have questioned how on earth he knew the exact apartment you resided at. Instead you looked at your feet, them sore with blisters and aching from the long walk back, "I'm not your problem anymore... I can take care of myself and have done since we've been here. I don't need you stepping in because you think you know better."

"I'm not." He said bluntly.

"Right..." Of course he would say that. A huff of air was forced through your nostrils as you snapped your head up to look him in the eye and your hand went for the handle, "Well, thank you for walking me home but I think I've got it from here so if you could kindly fu-"

You had been just about to press your weight into the partition and tell him to fuck off, to put an end to this unwanted interaction but he interrupted you mid flow. You hadn't even seen it coming as Joel shoved you back, following you in as the door swung open and grabbing you far rougher than he ever had done before causing you to quietly yelp in surprise.

It was hard and sharp as he forced his lips onto yours, kissing you harshly without rhyme nor reason whilst booting your door closed behind him. His stubble scratching and scouring at the skin surrounding your mouth as he devoured you almost desperately, his hand rising up to grab your chin and hold you in place and without no resistance, you just... let him.

You blinked hard as he pulled back for a breath of air, a string of your shared saliva still connecting your lips for the seconds you were parted, "Joel... I.. what..."

"Shut up." A breathless growl was the only way you could describe it, his pupils blown wide and dark as he forced his tongue back in between your lips once again and you don't know why but you kissed him right back all hard and sloppy.

He grabbed at the material of your dress, trying to tug it off before pinching at the neckline and dragging it down. The stitching popping at the seams as it was yanked over the swell of your hips all whilst he walked you backwards towards the bedroom.

You could barely keep up, unable to even think straight as he took complete control. Before you could even comprehend what was happening, he had you back down on the mattress in nothing but your underwear- those same pair of cherry red briefs that he'd had you in once before- something that seemed to flick on a desperate and aggressive switch as he grabbed for your calf and callously flipped you onto your front.

An unprepared squeak escaped from your throat, his hands back on you a second later with fingers painfully sinking into the meat of your hips as he yanked you back onto your knees, ass in the air, manhandling and moulding you into whatever position he deemed fit.

Your underwear hadn't even left your body, the gusset just yanked to the side and you could feel the heat of him lining up to your tight slit before his palm came down on the back of your skull, pressing your cheek down into the mattress and pinning you there.

There was no foreplay, no time wasted in warming you up and you could feel your bared cunt tense in anticipation of the agonising burn that would surely follow. The sheets muffled your sharp cry as he forced himself into you. His tip fighting the resistance of your unsuspecting walls as he pulled them apart whilst sinking deeper and deeper, your channel not given the chance to build up your slick and the friction burning like sand paper against your delicate flesh.

"Joel...I...can't..." A gargled whimper finally escaped your obstructed lips, one followed by a painful groan. The hurt almost unbearable. "Hurts...please...Ow!"

"Shhh," He hushed you half heartedly, with one hand still pressing your face down into the mattress and the other pulling your hips further back onto him, your entire body anchored into place, "Yeah you can, you done it before. You can take it."

Joel paused for a fleeting moment, a breath leaving your lungs as you began to feel your walls actively stretch out around his intrusion instead of fighting it but with then no gentleness or consideration at all, he snapped his pelvis sharply, reaching your very end with a groan and ramming his entire solid length into you without warning as you yelped out, "That's it, Sisi. Told ya you'd manage... Shit, so fuckin' tight."

You heaved another weak cry, salty water beginning to well within the corners of your eyes as you found yourself unable to move away, your entire body his to take as you jolted forward with each punch of his pelvis. The sound of your pseudonym leaving his lips should've made you ferment, you'd warned him to keep it out of his mouth, told him that it wasn't welcomed and it wasn't even that you hadn't heard him properly. It was loud and clear...you just couldn't find it in you to fight him, every part of you spinning and consumed by the fact he was back inside you after so long. Fuck, right now, in your bed, you were his Sisi... His to take and abuse.

He was everywhere, absolutely fucking everywhere. His harsh fingers sunken into your flesh, cock buried deeper than you think anyone had ever been, body pressed so tight to yours and all you could do was whimper quietly beneath him. There was no mercy, no time for you to adjust or prepare your body before he started his brutal pace.

“Forgot how fuckin’ good you feel,” it almost sounded strained and despite not facing him, you could sense the way his head was rolled back on his shoulders, “Goddamn…”

You were left unable to breath, the air knocked from your lungs with each punishing thrust and the slapping of wet skin drowning out every coherent thought in your head as you were left submissive to his every desire. 

Joel tutted, “Shit… the fuck were you even thinkin’, huh? Allowin’ yourself to ruin all this by pimpin’ yourself out in that place.”

His strokes only grew harder, rougher and you could already feel the bruises forming across the planes of your skin, beneath each place his hands touched. It felt like he was in your guts, ripping though your organs with no remorse and you sobbed quietly into the sheets.

"S'what you wanted, right, Sisi? Why you were there, huh? Why you kept lettin' me into your bed." Joel spoke it through gritted teeth as if this was some kind of disciplinary action, a punishment for a misdeed that you were unaware of. His palm came up and slapped down onto the cheek of your ass so hard that you could feel the flesh ripple and the welt beginning to swell immediately.

All that came out was a wanton moan, the pleasure slowly creeping in through the excruciating pain and you knew you should fight him, scream at him to stop but you could never do such a thing... You couldn't ever deny yourself of this, of him and his undivided attention no matter how much it hurt because right now, for better or for worse, he wanted you and you'd never truly stopped wanting him. 

Every fucking time that you'd find yourself alone, with your fingers stuffed as deep as they would go inside yourself, it was always to the rhythm of his voice, to the image of him. Even when you were fucking his brother, quite often you'd close your eyes and go back to those nights in the house just to bring yourself over the edge. 

And so despite it feeling as if he was attempting to obliterate you into crumbs, you just took it, the pain and the aggression behind him along with the pleasure. The tears began to spill and your cries became louder as you struggled for oxygen and you knew you'd be left bleeding once he was done.

"Can't... b-breath..." You managed to gasp between each slap of his hips, the sound of your combined wet obscene to your ears.

His movements became frantic, the urgency and desperation of his hips stuttering before he fell on top of you and heaved his length as deep as he could get it.

"Fuck...Gonna make you take it, baby. Fill your cunt to the brim. Gonna be drippin' me for fuckin' days." Joel snarled sounding out of his damn mind, his thighs straining whilst he dipped his head and sucked the flesh of your shoulder blade in between his teeth, biting down hard. His weight pressing down heavy on your spine.

You hissed at the sting, feeling the split as his teeth broke through the skin and he grunted whilst grounding himself further into you. Covering you, clinging to you as if you were his lifeline, as if in that second, you were all it was that he wanted in this world. It took another prolonged moment of that fantasy for the realisation to catch up with you, the panic suddenly settling in as your raw and wrung out pussy became sensitive to his every movement. Becoming painfully aware as his thick length began to twitch and pulse within you, the heavy throb of his climax spilling his unprotected spend all warm and creamy into that devastatingly deep place inside you.

You expected him to panic too, for him to shut down just as he did before but all he did was continue to drag his slowly softening length in and out of you, pushing his release in deeper and deeper as if trying to force it to take.

"J-Joel... why did... what are? Joel!" You stuttered.

Without another word he carefully pulled out of you, being the most gentle he had been since approaching you at the bar and his once harsh fingers delicately brushed over the soft curve of your exposed ass, tracing the hand print he’d left behind before shifting his weight from the mattress and disappearing off into your bathroom.

You waited for his foot steps to leave your room before rolling onto your back with a wince, your spine aching from the added weight and pressure of another body and your sore, used hole trying to expel his come, leaving you laid within the wet patch it created. What were you even to think...Was this it? Would he now leave for things to go back to how they were? Did he now want you? Why did he seem hell bent on hurting you? Would he have stopped if you asked him to? 

They were all questions that you currently had no answers for... You'd leave it for him to decide what happens next, knowing that you'd not have a say in the matter anyway if he did choose to leave you again.

The sound of the light string being tugged pulled you from your thoughts, your face pinching with the embarrassment as you called out, "It doesn't work..."

He grunted in response, reappearing into your room a short moment later. You froze in place facing the opposite way whilst he moved around you, waiting for him to gather his clothes and inevitably leave you alone but it never came. 

Instead you felt the mattress dip beneath a heavy weight and the warmth of another body came to join you, one of his arms looping beneath your head and the other draped over your waist and in that moment, it was as if the last two years hadn't taken place. As if you were back in the house, sharing that old sunken mattress on the floor.

"Joel?" You spoke so softly, it no more than a whisper whilst allowing yourself you snuggle into his heat, "Why?"

And it was such an open question, one that asked each of the enquiries you had wondered just moments ago. One with perhaps a multitude of responses. None of which that he chose to answer, responding with just a bothersome sigh as his finger tips delicately traced gentle shapes over the soft of your stomach.

"Go to sleep, Sisi."

—————————————————————————

The light streaming in from the gap between your curtains was blinding as your eyes fluttered open, the brightness burning as you shoved your face back into your pillow. You could already feel the throb within your head, it all heavy and thick and your heart dropped as you reached out to find the space next to you vacant. Of course it fucking was. When was he ever still there come morning?

It hurt, it always had done... more so now that he didn't even remain within the same room as you. Shit, most likely not even the same building assuming that he'd gotten up to go home.

You clenched your jaw and tried to push the emotional pain aside, a physical ache replacing it as you twisted your body to move. A sharp stab shooting up through your abdomen, causing you to hunch over and clutch at your stomach, "Shit..."

It felt like he was still lodged in there, your insides now permanently moulded to his shape and more than likely still dripping his come as you waddled across to your bathroom to relieve your bladder, something you know you should've done the moment Joel removed himself from you.

You sat there for a moment, just staring vacantly towards the tiled wall and hoping that luck would be on your side... that the lack of nutrients your body was currently getting would fend off the possibility of an unwanted pregnancy. You weren't sure what you were going to do otherwise... the options were very limited. You'd have to discuss the possibility with him, surely? It wasn't like you asked for this. He actually left you with very little say in the matter. In fact, you had no say in any of what transpired in the early hours of that morning and you berated yourself for not stopping in it's tracks...but your damn heart struck again and you were reminded of your ex... fucking Joshua and how this was nothing but a repeat of that and you could hear Laura's voice reprimanding you for it just as she always had done.

'The fuck are you doing, Sisi? He's an asshole. Where's your self respect? You're better than that. Block him. Block him now.'

A sigh escaped you, one that made you painfully aware of all the other aches and sores across your body. You chanced a look- almost frightened to what you might find as you peered down at your lower half to see the various splotched of reds, blues and purples that covered your skin and suddenly the forgotten hurt of your shoulder came into focus and with a wince you reached around and grazed your finger tips over the indentations of his teeth, feeling the blood that had dried clinging there.

Tearing off a square of tissue paper you hissed as you dabbed between your legs, not at all surprised to find the faint pinky streaks of fresh blood mixed within the combination of discharge and his come. He hadn't exactly been gentle and he wasn't small either... there was bound to have been some superficial damage caused...

You were just in the process of changing the bedsheets when a heavy knock sounded from the front door, your brows pinching as you dropped your task to answer.

Your expression softened to find Joel stood on the other side, a spark of hope igniting within your chest at the fact that he had come back and each and every one of your regrets and self criticisms blew out into the new day.

“Hi…”

He didn't look at you though, his jaw set and eyes locked onto the chipped paint on top of the doors frame whilst holding out a small white pill in the centre of his palm, "Take it."

That sinking feeling began to weigh heavy on you once more, your hopeful expression dropping with the detachment of his tone. You glanced between him and the capsule that you could only assume to be some form of Plan B before plucking it between your fingers, "Oh...um, thanks."

It did occur for you to ask where he'd got it from. You weren't aware of it being something that was currently offered within the infirmaries... but you didn't.

You clasped your fist around it, before clearing your throat, "Joel..."

He didn't let you finish, Joel's eyes darting down to meet yours authoritatively, "Swallow it. Now. I need to see you do it."

With a deep breath, you did. The eye contact remaining as you placed it onto your tongue and used your own saliva to swallow it down. You tried again, "Joel...what-"

Again he cut you off with a stern shake of the head, "No."

"No?" You asked, raising your brows, "What's that supposed to mean?"

He went to speak, you could see it as his mouth opened and then closed, him coming up short of an answer as a scowl slowly began to form across his brows.

Instead, Joel kissed the backs of his teeth, a hint of disgust and regret beginning to show through his otherwise cold expression but whether it was directed at you or himself, you were left unsure. He looked away from you, staring down the corridor before shoving his hand into his jacket pocket and haphazardly tossing a few yellow and green cards at your feet, "There's your payment."

You choked on that, the air quite literally getting caught in your lungs as your eyes began to burn, watching as the coloured squares hit the carpet. That wasn't what you'd ever want from him. That wasn't what this was supposed to be... At least not in your head it wasn't. You thought that there had been far too much of a history between you both for those lines to become blurred. That he dragged you home out of care and slept with you because... You realised then, there was not one acceptable reason as to why he did what he'd done to you after. Not even jealousy was appropriate. Is that truly all he saw of you at the bar? Not the girl he once shared a home with and shared his thoughts to but just another hooker? Had he ever really seen you as anything different? No words would form from your tongue and you weren't even sure why it came as such a knife to the heart... or why it hurt so bad. 

"Seriously?" You eventually managed to pass, it already sounding wet. The knot in your stomach only tightening to the point of nausea. “That… that’s what this was?”

“It’s why you were there, wasn’t it?” Joel was void of emotion, his expression entirely flat. The words spat out from him so matter of factly, as if this entire... thing was some kind of new punishment for him to bestow upon you. "You're a hooker, Selina. A whore. What the hell were you expectin'?" He shrugged, "Act like a fuckin' slut n' you'll get treated like one."

You’d thought better of him… Thought that he held you with a higher regard. His words cut deep, them resonating deep inside and hurting you in a whole new way. 

Hooker. Slut. Whore.

You wanted to hurt him as bad as he had hurt you but even now, parts of you still yearned for his approval. For him to want you in the same way you still wanted him. For it to be soft and intimate as it had been before despite it being shrouded in secrecy- you'd have done anything to go back to then. To fall asleep within the safety of his arms each night with his breath warm on the back of your neck as he whispered sweet nothings into your skin. It was as if hating the man was physically impossible for you.

"Get the fuck away from me!" You keened, the tears finally spilling after so long of them being absent and you slammed the door shut before he had chance to see. 

Chapter Text

"Fuck." Joel grumbled beneath his breath, falling forward onto the arm he had braced against the wall of your apartment.

The vibration of your front door slamming shut in his face still thrummed through his bones as he closed his eyes and dragged a heavy palm down over his weighted expression.

He knew he should have never stepped foot in that fucking place. That nothing good would have come from it. That mixing his hatred of this world with the sharpness of that bitter moonshine shit would only end in disaster, for all in the hopes of what? A meaningless fuck that'd leave him out of pocket with some tart he'd likely never set eyes on again. His night hadn't even concluded that way though, had it? Meaningless being the key word that he'd somehow managed to blur the lines of. If he wanted meaningless, he should have stayed the hell away from you. He only went and proved himself right come the end, that nothing good would come of it. Self sabotage in all its glory.

Tess had left for a job that previous morning, said that she'd be gone for a couple of days and that the matter was too delicate for her to risk him fucking it up with his hot temper and brashness. She'd left him behind and taken Luke with her instead... something that already left him sour. That combined with his own deal turning bad which left him to pick up the pieces only drove that persistent vexation further. He'd needed to let off some steam, to channel that pent up tension and anger somewhere. Tess had been good for that. Them both on the same wavelength from what he could tell. She never asked for anymore than she got, and seemed content enough with that. A quick and often hard fuck and then she would be out of his hair without another word said. But Tess wasn't about and he needed something to scratch that relentless itch for relief.

Joel hadn't expected to see you in there, not in a million years. Dressed up to the hilt in that stupidly small black dress that he immediately recognised from the day he first met you and those pretty pink lips. It pissed him off. You'd pissed him off, it rising above the usual forced disdain he had for you. Not just for the fact you were here, no. That alone had irked him- there'd be only one reason why you'd be this side of town and in this particular bar after all- but something else was already gnawing at him and had been for weeks.

He'd tried to forget about you- and was pretty damn near successful in doing so with not catching a single sighting of you in over eighteen months and it wasn't even the physical sight of you that had triggered these ill feelings to stir within him. No, he hadn't even seen you until that moment in the speakeasy. It was those fucking cherry red briefs of yours. The ones that were soft to the touch and made you look like a goddamn gift, wrapped just for him with its frilly little bow at the front. The same ones that had been scrunched up and seemingly forgotten about down the cushion of Tommy's fucking couch.

He'd forced himself to dislike you long ago, forced himself to blame you for everything under the sun just to get you away from his vulnerable heart but you just kept fucking clinging on, didn't you? And then to scour salt into that barely healed wound, you then fucked his goddamn brother and left the crumbs for him to find? 

Joel had wanted to do the right thing when he'd first spotted you standing beside the bar, swaying slightly as you scanned the room ahead with your drink in hand. To let bygones be bygones in the moment and prevent your questionable motive, something he knew you'd end up regretting. Truly, he had...and at the start his only intention was to get you out of there and back home so he could then focus on that blonde with the big tits instead of concerning himself with who'd end up taking you home. It wasn't safe what you were about to subject yourself to. But then you opened your fucking mouth, spitting your venom and talking like you knew better and he was promptly reminded; why should he protect you after all you'd done?

It was a slippery slope from then. The alcohol screwing with his perception, intoxicating that already brewing state of anger he had for you. Reminding him of those intimate conversations many moons ago. Reminding him that he could have been at peace if it weren't for you. Reminding him that you tried to crawl into his heart. Reminding him that you'd then fucked his younger brother after all of that. You wanted to whore yourself out? Act like a fucking slut? So be it. It would save him from having to traipse back across town again, anyway.

Then he saw those fucking cherry panties on you and they acted as a red flag being waved in front of an already agitated bull. He'd taken it too far...and that desire he'd had from years ago, the one he'd stomped out to replace with a more gentle version, it all came to life.

It'd been like he blacked out, the hurt and anger towards you taking full control of his actions thanks to the potency of the alcohol in his system. He couldn't remember you trying to stop him, either. Though he couldn't remember much as he woke up to you the next morning before sunrise. With his head freed of that intoxicated smog and his eyes blinking open to find you bare and cuddled into his front, your nose tucked into the column of his throat, gentle palms against his chest and your long soft tresses cascading over his arms whilst he held you to him. As if he still meant something to you...as if you still meant something to him.

It only made him panic. Some fuzzy vague images coming back to him as he tensed up around your still sleeping form. The sound of your defeated cries, the feel of your flesh in his hands, the taste of salt from your skin and tears being replaced by metallic copper, how you constricted so tightly around him when he...fuck. FUCK.

It was then that it finally got too much, when the fear became real and he pulled away. Carefully, as always to not wake you but as he lifted the sheet to escape he then saw the end result of what he'd done. The aftermath. Black and blue. Your waist, your hips, your thighs...he refused to look at the mess of your shoulder, remembering the taste of your blood on his tongue. The bile began to rise within his throat and he had to flee. Had to get away from you and work out how to fix at least one of the problems he'd possibly created.

Amit had been reluctant to part with one of his much sought after little white pills after Joel had all but bashed down his front door at the tender hour of five in the morning.

"You know how hard these were to get my hands on?" He'd asked, both brows raised as he tiredly hung in his doorway.

"I fuckin' helped you with it, 'course I do."

"So what makes you think that I'm gonna just give you one?"

Joel glanced both ways, his voice lowering. "I'm desperate. Real fuckin' desperate." 

Amit shrugged, "Look man, I've already got my buyers. I'm distributing later today- I ain't got any left over."

"Fuck your buyers. Tell 'em you miscounted." He shook his head and clenched his teeth before sighing, "Twenty cards right now for just one. It's all I need."

Amit had looked at him for a moment, studying the urgency behind Joel's eyes and smirked, "Shit...Who ya fucked?"

"None of your goddamn business." Joel snarled, pulling the cards from his pocket, "just give me a fuckin' pill will ya?"

"Alright, alright," Amit conceded with a huff, disappearing back into his apartment for a brief moment before returning with the small capsule of levonorgestrel. He placed it into Joels awaiting palm and took the payment, "If Crane starts kicking off 'cause he's got less than promised, I'm making it your problem."

"The fuck does one guy need so many mornin' after pills anyway..." Joel mumbled whilst giving the pill a once over.

"Ain't my business to know what happens to stock once it leaves me."

Joel nodded, not particularly caring much about the question he just asked in comparison to the one now on his tongue, "But they're the real deal, right? Ain't fobbin' me off with any fake bullshit?"

Amit bobbed his head, "Yeah, they're legit. Shipped over from some factory in Budapest just before outbreak."

Joel couldn't even look you in the eye as he knocked on the door and handed you the medication, feeling your entire demeanour drop. He needed to watch you swallow it. To know that there'd be no repercussions off the back of this. There were a thousand words he could've said right then, ones that had in fact crossed his mind on the walk over and still he picked all the wrong ones. You put yourself in that position at the end of the day. If it weren't him it would have only been someone else. At least he had the decency to fix you up with a pill the next morning...You could've told him to stop as well, yet you didn't...You wanted this. It was much easier to put the onus entirely onto you rather than himself. Unable to face up to the truth of what he'd blurred the lines on. Unable to admit to himself that he'd been beyond cruel and selfish.

Joel didn't touch another drop of that homemade moonshine after, only sticking to whiskey where possible- a drink that he knew agreed with him better. He never set foot back inside the speakeasy on Talbot Avenue either.

—————————————————————————-

It sat with Joel, all unmoving and festering. His veins still thrumming with it, the anger and bitterness clotting up and blocking the usual flow. He'd debated on just going home for an hour... but to do what? Stare at the ceiling until he began to accept the shame that was trying to break through? He couldn't let that be an option... he didn't have the room spare within him to consciously harbour an extra burden of guilt on top of what he already carried. Besides, he and Tommy had a deal to close at ten on the east side of town, to try and shift the bulk of the various meats that Kimiko and Luke had brought in with them from an outside trade a few days back. Better he be early than late...

He gave your door one last glance before stepping away and turning his back, trying to shove his indiscretions to the pit of his mind as to continue on with his day. Of course, his journey only consisted of two flights of stairs before he'd reached Tommy's apartment, it not being enough of a stretch to shift this heavy tension that had consumed him.

Joel reached for the handle and gave it a jostle to realise it was still locked before resorting to bashing his fist against the wood perhaps a little harder that what was necessary. 

After what felt like far too long he could hear Tommy snap from the other side.

"Jesus Christ. Alright! I'm comin'!"

The lock clicked before the door creeped open a slither and Tommy peered around before then swinging it back fully.

"You're early." He stated whilst stepping aside with a stretch, "Thought we weren't meetin' for another hour?"

Joel strode straight past him and headed for the small dining table, dragging one of the chairs out and then slumped down into it with a grunt. "Yeah, well..."

"Rough night?" Tommy asked, closing the front door behind him and accepting the grunt as an answer.

"Somethin' like that." He grumbled, pressing the heels of his palms into his eyes and searching for a way to derail the topic of conversation, "You were, uh, seein' that girl last night, weren't you? How'd that go?"

"Don't think I'll be seein' her again. Too much baggage..." Tommy shrugged, walking over and turning his back as he flitted about the kitchen, "Coffee?"

Joel nodded not truly caring enough to press his brother on his failed date any further. He looked up from his hands for the first time since sitting down to find his vision blotchy from the pressure. "Gonna need it..."

The sound of the kettle pot whistling away was somewhat soothing as he allowed his mind to melt into its noise and eyes fall shut.

"What 'bout you n' Tess?"

That disturbed his peace. Eyes blinking right back open with an edge to his tone, "What about me n' Tess?"

"Well, Y'know." Tommy shrugged, placing a steaming mug down in front of him, "When I dropped by last week she was at your apartment...I mean, I can see it- you two-"

Joel was fast to cut him off, not even allowing him to finish the sentence, "There ain't nothin' goin' on between me n' Tess."

"You are allowed to live, Joel. Ain't gotta be so uptight about it."

"I ain't bein' uptight about shit." He snapped, his hand falling flat down onto the table for his pinky to brush against something soft and ruffled. 

"Right..." 

Joel could hear the clear scepticism in Tommy's voice as he glanced down. His attention instantly diverted to the familiar black satin scrunchy that  sat in the centre of the table, it just grazing against his little finger. It was then he took a look around, a proper look around and noticed that you were...everywhere. Your jacket hung on the coat hook, a pair of your socks on the radiator and hair ties were left dotted around the sides. Joel plucked at the scrunchy, holding it up between his finger and thumb before arching a brow up at Tommy.

"Oh, that's Lina's." Tommy said so casually whilst sipping from his own mug. "Swear she's always leavin' her shit round here."

"I know who's it is." He knew he should have just left it, not said anything but it were as if he couldn't help himself. "She come round often then?"

Tommy placed his mug onto the counter before leaning back and folding his arms. He could recognise that daring tone, "I see her a few times a week, yeah." He paused for a beat and wetted his lips, "She's a close friend."

"Friends?" Joel scoffed, giving his brother an incredulous look.

He watched as Tommys eyes briefly casted down towards his feet, a small sarcastic smirk tugging as he snorted, "Yeah, Joel. Friends. That a crime or somethin'?"

"Guess I'm just wonderin' why her knickers were shoved down the side of your couch the other week..." He sipped at his coffee, it as bitter as he was feeling as he watched Tommy's face straighten.

"What makes you think they're hers?"

Joel shrugged, swirling the dregs of his drink around the base of the mug. "Did her laundry enough times back at the house to recognise those red kecks of hers..." 

A certain charge filled the atmosphere whilst Tommy hesitated with an answer. One he couldn't quite describe but had him holding onto the air in his lungs.

"I guess we have the same kinda friendship that you n' Tess do." It was almost snide the way Tommy looked at him, pushing off the counter before pouring the remainder of the boiling kettle into the washing up bowl residing in the sink, "What's it to you, anyway?"

What was it to him? That was an excellent question and Joel's answer should have been 'nothing'. He should have shut the conversation down at precisely that point but he just couldn't leave it, "You know she was at the Talbot last night, right?"

Tommy froze in place, his face lifting and twitching ever so slightly- there being just enough of a shift in his expression to confirm to Joel that no, he was not aware.

"Hm..." Joel hummed his confirmation, stretching back into the chair, "Probably somethin' to bare in mind if you're fuckin' her..."

"Nah." Tommy's head shook almost too confidently, "Lina ain't like that. She wouldn't- she was probably just there for a drink or somethin'."

"You reckon she went all the way across town- alone- for a taste of that fuckin' battery acid they sell as alcohol?" He gibed before scratching at his chin with a tut, "C'mon, Tommy. I know you're smarter than that..."

The air turned tense between them both with Tommy jumping straight to your defence because... he knew you. You were his closest friend and he was damn sure that he was yours. He knew you wouldn't do that. You were good. You abided by the rules ninety nine percent of the time. You went to work- at your lawful job- and then either came over to his apartment or just went home unless you were seeing someone... You just wouldn't do something that reckless... "Look, I ain't gonna pretend to understand what your issue is with her. 'Cause I really don't but I know her and I know that-"

"I saw her." Joel cut in. "I saw her at that bar dressed up like the rest of 'em." It was the most stupidest thing he could have said and he watched Tommy's face fall flat.

"And what were you doin' at that bar, Joel? Just drinkin' the battery acid they sell?" Tommy's eyes darkened, not waiting to receive the response to that question though he sincerely doubted he was about to get one anyway. "I'm really hopin' that you're about to tell me that you stepped in and made her see sense, big brother..."

Joel sat there, phlegmatic. His expression stony as he looked his brother in the eye, "I suggest you just go careful around her..."

Tommy shook his head and turned away. A sinking feeling that he tried so hard to ignore began to niggle at him... but he knew you and a small part of him latched onto the belief that still, you wouldn't do that. That you were too smart... and what the fuck was with Joels answer anyway? Telling him to go careful around you when he hadn't so much as spoken to you in years. Perhaps he'd just made the entire thing up to get under his skin all because he had some nonsensical vendetta against you for some bizarre reason. Tommy wouldn't put it past him. 

Instead of biting any further he reached forward to snatch Joel's empty mug from the table, the heat still present within his tone, "Let's just focus on gettin' this job done."

—————————————————————————

The deal went surprisingly well. An old retired butcher being happy to take the majority of the undisclosed meat- that they'd posed as a mixture of pork and beef- off their hands for a decent price on the knowing that he'd be able to still turn a hefty profit. It was protein at the end of the day and any type of protein in this day and age was valuable.

With a stack of ration cards in hand, both brothers made their way over to the look out near the west wall. A small apartment that Kimiko had managed to get her hands on in addition to the one she resided in, she was already comfortable on the couch alongside Amit by the time they arrived. The four of them left waiting for Luke and Tess's return from whatever delicate matter it was that they'd gone to tend to.

They weren't waiting long before the door swung open and both Tess and Luke strolled in, her shrugging her pack off from her shoulder with a tired groan and tossing the truck keys onto the side table. The chevy did come to have a purpose.

Tess grinned as she spotted the stack of cards being counted out by Kimiko, "That from the meat?"

Kimiko bobbed her head towards the brothers who sat adjacently, "Hundred and fifty for the lot."

"Tex, Tommy. Nice work," She praised. It was rare that she'd ever refer to Joel by his actual name, her either using Tex or Texas instead. It was his own doing from when they were first introduced. When she'd asked for their names and Tommy gave his up so easily but Joel refused. It took a few days of working alongside each other by the time he finally gave it to her, the nickname by then already fully established within their small group. "Was it Mark Davies that took it?"

Joel nodded, "Yeah. He accepted it without too many questions. Told him two hundred at the start and bartered down to one fifty."

Tess nodded with an impressed hum before turning back to Kimiko, "What even was it?"

She shrugged, lining the stack of cards up and laying them on the coffee table at her feet, "Fuck knows. Bloke looked dodgy as hell so decided not to ask."

"Mystery meat...nice," Tess grimaced before glancing at Tommy who'd been oddly quiet so far, "What'd you sell it as? Can't imagine many would have parted with that many cards without knowing what they were getting?"

It was Joel that answered, "Told him the red meat was beef and the white was pork."

"And he just...believed it?" She asked skeptically.

Joel shrugged, "I don't think he was that fussed so long as he could sell it on as that."

"Fair enough..." Tess bobbed her brows and then frowned back at Tommy. "Why are you being so quiet?"

He shook his head, "Late night, early start." Tommy flicked a thumb towards his brother, "this prick can't read a damn clock..."

There was a beat, one where in which Tess gave him a dubious look. A look that questioned if there was more to it than he was letting on. Tess was vigilant, he'd give her that and this apathetic attitude she'd carry in a group setting was much more personable when one on one. Tess liked order, and acting aloof in group scenarios ensured her of that but take her out of that environment and she was actually quite chatty and free spirited. But there was a time and a place for the truth of Tommy's thoughts and he'd very much decided that now wasn't it.

He cleared his throat, "How was the run? What'd you get?"

A small grin grew across Tess's face and Luke was about to open up and tell all but in the last moment her smirk dropped and she held a hand up to him, "It went well and we'll explain more in a moment but," Tess swung her body around to Amit, her expression stony, "first, I wanna know why the fuck I had Damien fucking Crane waiting for me at the tunnels entrance saying that we've done him over?"

Amit poked his tongue into his cheek, his eyes not breaking away from Tess's, "No idea. Delivered the full batch to him this morning- he didn't say shit then."

"Something about pills missing and still being charged full whack?" Tess shook her head, "What, you think he wouldn't notice? The man runs a fucking brothel, Amit. Those pills are that places save and grace as to not get overrun with a bunch of screaming crotch goblins and we're his supplier. Every one counts and he does just that after each delivery."

"I musta miscounted or he did," He shrugged his shoulders, "I don't fucking know."

"I think you do." She deadpanned, "cause you were sat right where you are now when you counted them all out. Seventy pills charged at ten cards a piece checked not just once by you but then by me as well. So try again."

“Fine.” Amit huffed, rubbing his hands over his face before he glared over towards Joel and just as he promised, made it his problem too, "That dick couldn't keep it in his pants last night and bashed down my fucking door at the ass crack of dawn this morning demanding that I give him one."

"Give?" Tess turned, staring coldly towards Joel- her dryness seeming to stem from a little more than just the pills.

It wasn't just Tess now burning a hole into his skull, he could sense Tommy there too. He wouldn't dare look at Tommy though, already making an educated guess on what he had slowly been piecing together all day. Instead, he remained focused on Tess. That was the easier of the two, "I paid. Double. Ain't my fault that Amit didn't tell him he was one short and still charged him for all seventy."

Tommy sat there, the cogs shifting and turning and gradually it all began to pull together. Why didn't Joel give him a yes or no answer when asked if he'd tried to stop you? Why had he shown up so early to his apartment if not already in the area? What's he doing needing one of Amits fucking pills so urgently? Why did he even feel the need to bring you up at all that morning when he'd been seemingly content with forgetting your entire existence before? Guilt, perhaps?

Tommy snapped, the scowl on his face only pinching more as he hauled himself out of the armchair and began stalking towards the door, "Fuck this."

Tess glanced round to the door as it slammed closed behind him before raising a questioning brow towards Joel.

"Be fucked if I know." He sniffed.

Despairingly she shook her head with a slam of the eyes and then settled back onto Amit, "Eight pm tonight, meet Crane at 25 Nottoway Boulevard and give him his fucking ten cards back. Tell him you must have dropped one on your way to him or some shit. I don't care just sort it."

He nodded stiffly, "Oh and Amit." She added, "I'd stay away from his girls. God knows how many diseases they carry."

Joel shifted uncomfortably within his seat, "So what was this delicate matter that you both had to tend to?"

A wry grin spread across her face as Tess addressed him fully, "Weapons... a haul of knives and firearms."

Her and Luke stood back looking somewhat smug with themselves as the other three glanced between one another.

"Shame that Tommy buggard off..." Luke eventually piped up whilst kissing the back of his teeth, "all this woulda been right up his alley."

"You got them into the zone?" Kimiko asked.

"Not yet." Tess said, "Driven the Chevy as close as we can to the entrance of west tunnel but... it's gonna be all hands on deck to get the merchandise in undetected. Would be too risky with just the two of us."

Luke took a step forward, "Kimi, need you on look out from the inside if you can stay close to the tunnel entrance?" He then gestured to towards the rest of the room, "Amit, Joel, I need you two with me to try and carry this all in. Tess is gonna stay here and rip the floor boards up ready."

There was no time wasted, everyone instantly getting to their feet and grabbing their packs. Luke took the lead with Amit and Kimiko filtering out of the hide out behind him. Joel had intended to follow, the straps of his bag being slung over his shoulder but his movements forward were halted by a firm hand to his chest and a scathing look from Tess.

"What?" He asked flatly.

"Let's make one thing clear." She said lowly, her eyes not flickering away from his, "I don't give a shit who you fuck."

"Good."

"But," Tess punctuated, "if you so much as give me a fucking rash, I swear to god, Joel. I'll cut your cock off."

Joel snorted at that, "Then what'll you do?"

"I mean it." Her glare didn't falter, "If you want to be reckless, that's on you but then this," She flicked her finger between them both, "this stops as a result. As I said, fuck who you like but if you plan on coming back to me after- you make sure you're clean."

"I knew her." 

"I don't give a shit."

—————————————————————————-

You shook, with your feet planted into place and your eyes staring down at the cards at your toes. You watched as your tears dripped from your welling lash line and soaked into its flimsy material, the pale yellow and green darkening with each drop absorbed.

Is this what you were now? Was this now what defined you as a person? It certainly didn't feel good nor was it how you wanted to be seen... especially by someone who you'd thought so highly of. It wasn't supposed to be this way. It was supposed to just be one time with a total stranger and only because you couldn't see any other option to get by. You felt used, dirty and as if your body didn't belong to you. It was degrading and humiliating. 

The shower had pelted your body a total of three times that morning, with the warm water running out half way through the second, you scrubbed yourself raw trying to remove the feel of  him from your skin. None of it made a damn slither of difference, as soon as you'd step out and the air would hit you, you felt filthy once more.

You ignored the cards for as long as you could, leaving them on the carpet to stare back at you. You hadn't even bothered to check how much he'd thrown at you, the playback of the interaction being enough to make you crumble again. You debated on running over to Sals, to tell her what had happened just so you could get it off your chest but the more you thought about it, the more humiliated you felt. Joel was right to some extent... You wanted it. You allowed it to happen. Did you at any point try and stop him? He kissed you, you kissed him back. He tugged off your dress whilst you fumbled aimlessly with his belt. He pushed you back onto the mattress and you laid there bared to him. He moulded you into shape and you gave no fight. He fucked you hard and rough and you fucking cried but at no point did you tell him to stop... and then it was over. It was over and he tugged you back into his chest and wrapped his fucking arms around you and you...you just melted into him as if it were where you belonged.

Instead, you curled up into your couch alone and wrapped yourself within the threadbare throw. You sat there for hours with your battered body and painful thoughts. Every second of last night replaying within your mind over and over, from the moment you spotted him at the bar to waking up this morning alone, sore with his cum still dripping down your inner thigh. Gradually the disgrace and shame morphed into an anger.

It was an anger at yourself for giving him the opportunity, for being so naive and believing that despite his hurtful accusations and general disregard, that he could still in fact care for you in the way that you cared for him. Then of course, your blood began to boil just at the thought of him. How all you'd ever done is try to help him, please him, want to know him. That you saved his fucking life not just once from an infected but also from himself. That you laid there on a night and listened to him as he gave you snippets of his trauma, told you things that he'd kept close to his chest. That you'd helped him through those nights just as much as he had with you. That you let him into your fucking broken heart in the hopes that you could help heal one another... And all for what? For him to ignore, hurt and hate you in return...

Then those saddened sobs turned red hot, the tears no longer from the pain that you were in but rather the rage that you felt.

You dragged the throw from your body and stormed across your living room towards the front door before snatching those fucking cards up from the carpet.

There had been a thought to just tear them up, to fucking shred them but then all of this truly would have been for nothing and you'd still be in the exact same dire position so your tears continued to roll as you counted them up. He'd thrown eighty points worth of cards at you... That was your rent paid for the upcoming month and then an additional forty left over for you to stock your cupboards, to not go hungry. As much as you wanted to reject them, to reject his view of you as nothing but a prostitute... You couldn't afford to.

That vehemency sat with you for the remainder of the day. It building and bubbling to leave you restless and shaky. You tried to distract yourself from the onslaught of contradicting thoughts, the shame and anger at yourself as well and him... Your apartment was spotless by six that evening and still it did nothing to settle you... because now, once again, you were here in the present and suffering alone.

It was Saturday though... and there was still Bruce Willis waiting for you at Tommy's apartment. Tommy. Perhaps that was exactly what you needed to relieve yourself from the fog... to make you forget if only for just half an hour.

Chapter Text

You were right on cue. Seven o'clock on the dot, knocking on his front door rather than letting yourself in. A pretence that had been forgotten long long ago as your shared friendship grew and strengthened. It made him frown now, wondering why you didn't just open it as you usually would.

Tommy stood from the couch, the VHS already set up and ready to play, and in three strides reached his front door. 

"The fuck you knockin' for? Doors unlocked, dummy." He said to you as he swung the partition open. "Just settin' the movie up now..."

There was no 'hello', no 'how's your day' or even really any response to anything he'd just said as you swallowed what looked to be a thick lump, "H-how did your date go?"

He snorted, failing to notice the redness of your eyes and the subtle tremble of your hands. "Shit." 

"Good." There had been the briefest of moments where he'd caught you looking at him with a strange despondency but before he had time to even question it you'd already breached his personal space and pulled him into a feverish-and unexpected- kiss.

Your mouth was desperate, the pace of your lips sloppy and rash against his own with your fingers clasping and tugging at the front of his shirt.

Tommy managed to pull away from you, the moment catching him off guard as he blinked and furrowed his brows whilst feeling almost disoriented, "What...?"

"Please..." You blurted out, your eyes searching his in an urgent manner, "I've had a really shit day and-and you've had a shit date and... this is what we do, isn't it?"

He looked at you for a second. It was exactly what you both did. One of you, sometimes the pair of you, would have a shitty day and then you'd numb it with an orgasm or two. If it weren't for your peculiar behaviour then this wouldn't have been out of the ordinary at all... but there was something about you today, in that moment that didn't sit right.

Tommy tried not to think about it, about what his head had concocted over the course of the day. The mirages that had formed within his mind when Amit had mentioned Joel demanding one of his pills...How his answer to Tommy's earlier question was so cryptic... Thoughts that he'd hoped to be misconceptions and delusions on his end because surely you weren't actually selling yourself... and even if you had done, surely his big brother had enough of his moral decency still intact to know to not take advantage of you in that way? He was a father to a little girl, for crying out loud.

Tess had also come around to visit him earlier that evening. She had dropped by to not only chastise him for walking out the way that he did, causing their next job for that afternoon to be more strenuous when only stretched between the five of them... and shit, he did feel a twinge of envy when she'd told him about what exactly it was that they were smuggling in, though she had advised that she still needed him to check the merch over considering she didn't have the first clue to what she was looking at but to also just simply check in on him.

She'd gone out of her way to ensure he was okay. He found Tess to be misunderstood in that way... That yes, she was straight talking and not to be messed with but she still held onto her compassion where it was important. She looked after her people. 

He'd kept his issue vague, not divulging into the meat of it. He'd simply told her that Joel had pissed him off and the fact that he'd complicated Amit's deal due to his own stupidity only tipped him over the edge. 

Tess's response had been direct and simple: "You're siblings. Siblings fight, it's the way of the world but this, what we are running?" She had said, "It's a business and we cannot afford shit like today to happen continuously. So I need the pair of you to get ahold of yourselves and move past it... Now, I don't know what he did to fuck you off but I do know that he'd never go out of his way to purposefully hurt you."

Tommy took a breath and forced those previous thoughts away... Your shitty day could've been as a result of anything after all. It wasn't like there was a whole lot of goodness left in the world to hold onto. Good days had become much rarer than the bad. 

Your eyes were still latched onto his, all wide and pinched with something he couldn't quite put his finger on, "Please..."

And he let you. His fingers tangling within your long dark hair as you guided him back towards the couch. He pulled you down with him and helped you wriggle out of your sweatpants. Your tongue all wet and warm as he sucked it into his mouth and you ground your hips down over his crotch where he felt the entirety of his blood flow race down south.

An irrational hate formed for the oversized baggy shirt you were drowning in, it so large that it draped across the tops of your thighs and covered all the parts of your body he wanted to see. His hands went for it, just as they alway had but you stopped him. Your fingers clasping around his wrists and pulling them away.

"No." You said, already breathless, "leave it on."

You dropped his wrist and went straight to the fly of his jeans, tugging them open and slipping your entire hand beneath the waistband. Tommy groaned, sinking back into the cushions with your palm stroking him a good few times before pulling his hardened length free. 

Again he tried to expose you that bit more to him. Respecting your desire to keep your shirt on, his hand reached around to grab a handful of your ass, kneading the flesh there before grabbing for the waistband of your underwear.

"Just...just move them to the side." You said, your fingers pressed beneath his chin as so to keep his eyes on you, to prevent him from glancing down.

Tommy quirked a brow, "What?"

He'd understand if this were the first time. If you were perhaps feeling a little self conscious but you'd never been shy and it was just two days ago that he last had you in his bed whilst entirely bared to him. Even the first time you'd all but torn the clothes from each others backs just to indulge in the warmth of skin against skin.

You huffed and slammed your eyes, clearly irked that he’d questioned you whilst batting his hand away. Then you rose to your knees and wrapped your fist around him, with your other hand you pulled the crotch of your briefs to one side, lined yourself up and slowly began to sink down.

All he saw was discomfort. Your eyes squeezed closed and teeth clenched into a pained grimace as you forced yourself down onto him and he could feel the resistance within you. As if your body was fighting him off, rejecting the intrusion.

A small cry left your lips as you bottomed out and no part of it felt good.

"Lina?" Tommy asked quietly, brows pinching at the sight of you.

You shook your head, eyes still firmly shut and even your voice sounded strained, "I'm fine... I just need to...move."

Slowly you began to rise your hips up before falling back onto him. Over and over your pace began to pick up and Tommy could feel your walls soften and ease with each stroke. He did nothing but sit there and let you take control, to take what you needed from him, yet he could see no pleasure behind your expression. 

Tommy tried to anchor you, tried to settle your movements as your hips became sloppy, frantic and even painful. His hands fell to your waist and you let out a small uncomfortable whimper, your continuing motions causing your shirt to rouse up over your hips against his grip just as he glanced down.

His stomach sank, catching just a glimpse of the marks that littered your skin. The deep purple finger prints that peered out from the hem of your tee.

"Lina..." He said cautiously, his palms pressing down onto your hips to try and cease your movements yet still you fought him. 

You weren't listening, your whimpers now sniffles as you ground your core down hard and he couldn't help but raise his voice, "Lina! Stop!"

And you did. Your entire body freezing atop of him. It was only as he looked up, reaching his palm out to cup your jaw that he saw the dim blue glow of the television screen reflect off the wetness of your cheeks. You'd been crying. You'd been fucking crying.

"Hey...hey, hey. What's goin' on? Why..."

You gave no answer, only your shaky breath filling the silence and all those scenarios that his brain had conceived came rushing back, them leaving him nauseated with the added image of the bruises he'd seen on your skin. There was no hesitation as he lifted you up just enough to remove himself from within your body and zip up his jeans.

"I'm sorry...I'm sorry." You sniffled, voice all quiet and wet.

He needed to know.

"Angel, I'm gonna ask you somethin' and I need you to tell me the truth. Alright?" You wouldn't look at him, your eyes pinned onto the wall at his back. He tried to sooth you, tried to keep his tone level and calm whilst his fingers gently rubbed up and down your arm, "Where were you last night?"

Tommy gave you a few moments but no response came, "Did...Were you at the Talbot?" He waited another beat, "I gotta know darlin', c'mon..."

He could see your throat bob as you struggled to swallow the lump that seemed to reside there and it was barely noticeable but you did subtly nod your head.

Gently, he plucked at the material of your shirt, not taking his eyes off of you, "I- I saw..." A small pained sigh left him, "Can I see...please?"

A heavy fresh tear rolled down your cheek, it dripping from your jaw to land warm onto his wrist and again you gave a singular stiff nod, your bottom lip trembling.

Tommy was so delicate with you, moving slowly and carefully as he peeled the t-shirt up and over your battered body. His chest clenched, the air caught in his throat as his eyes traced each and every one of the many marks. Deep blue bruising bloomed across the flesh of your hips and individual purplish finger pads were scattered all over your thighs, waist and even your ribs. It was your shoulder though that really got him, his heart and stomach sinking into one to make him feel physically sick. It was just the reflection of it too, the viscous bite mark that stared back at him through the darkened window pane. The indentation of teeth so visible that if he hadn't of known better, he'd have assumed that you'd been bitten by one of those... things that lived beyond the walls.

"Lina..." His voice shook whilst trying to refrain from gasping, from losing his absolute shit... he had to ask the question that now plagued him, "please look at me..."

You weren't even breathing, the oxygen visibly trapped within your lungs as Tommy gently guided your face towards his, needing to look you in the eye as he asked, "Was...did," he frowned whilst struggling to get the words out, "Did Joel do this to you?"

That's all it took for the dam to break and you crumbled before his eyes. An almighty sob wracked from your throat and your body fell forward into him, his shoulder instantly being soaked by your hot tears and his ears filled with your pained mewls.

—————————————————————————

"Fuck..." Tommy pinched the bridge of his nose as he sat beside you. He'd calmed you down, helped you back into your sweat pants and made you tell him everything. "I'm gonna fuckin' kill him."

You sniffled, voice all nasally, "Tommy..."

It hurt... It hurt that you, his closest friend, would put yourself in that position. It hurt even more to hear exactly how his own brother had treated you and taken more than just advantage in a time when you so clearly needed guidance. It was easy to forget your age most of the time, for the most part you had a good and wise head on your shoulders... He'd only be reminded of it when your naivety would seep through, just as it was doing now.

He let out another sigh. There were more questions he had left to ask but the words just wouldn't form within his head as he struggled to process the information he'd already been given. 

"Wait there." He said, dragging a palm down over his face whilst standing up.

You almost sounded afraid as he did, "No. Please... don't leave..."

"Not leavin' you." He tried to give you a small reassuring smile, one that even felt forced to him before disappearing off into his bedroom.

Tommy slumped down onto the side of his mattress, his lungs decompressing again as he tried to get his head around it all. Why were you there in the first place? Joel was correct on at least one of his points... nobody went to that shit hole solely for its alcohol. So what was it then? Loneliness? You acting out because he'd had himself a date? Not that you'd ever been fazed by him dating before... As for Joel? The only questions he had for him were why and how the fuck could he?

He reached across to his bedside drawer and pulled it open, a hand delving in to fish out one of those potent dried green buds and his grinder. It was needed, for the both of you as he crushed the preserved plant into a grain and rolled it. A little something to help hold him back from tearing down Joel's door right at that very moment.

Wrapped within his old knitted spread, you remained cross legged on his couch, staring vacantly at the wall ahead.

"Here." Tommy said walking back up to you and tapping the butt of the blunt to your lip until you accepted it.

Shoving his fingers into his jeans pocket he grabbed for his lighter and ignited the end that was hanging loosely from between your lips. Watching with the same pinched expression as you sucked in a drag, sighed and collapsed back into the cushions with the pungent smoke swirling around you like a twisted halo.

"Thanks..."

"You didn't accept the cards, did you?" He then asked, sitting back down beside you.

Shrugging solemnly, you offered the blunt back to him and Tommy pinched it between his finger and thumb before inhaling a take for himself, "It's not like he gave me much of a choice... just fucking threw them at me and called me a slut."

He held the smoke within his lungs for a few long moments, allowing its tendrils to reach his head and give him that mellow high he so desperately needed, "You're not, Lina..."

"I-I-I thought..." Your voice began to tremble again, "I thought he was just trying to look out for me... I... fuck..."

"I want you to give me those fuckin' cards and he can have them straight back." Tommy let you take another long toke, holding the half smoked joint up to your lips. His face twisted as his blood still boiled, "He's gonna need them to afford the damn treatment when I fuck him up."

He shook his head, gesturing towards you as he let his vexations spill, "The fuckin' state he's left you in...I don't understand... He's always been an ass but what he's done to you- it's fuckin' wrong, Lina. After all we've been through as well!"

"Tommy..." You breathed, trying to calm him enough to cut in.

"No Lina. He hurt you. He fuckin' hurt you. What even the fuck is that on your shoulder? Looks like you've been fuckin' bitten by an infected! You'll be shot on goddamn sight if any other bastard see's that!" It was futile, his anger drowning out everything else around him, "You don't fuckin' lay your hands on a woman...you just don't. We were raised better than that- he was raised better. He...he had a goddamn daughter for Christ sake!" 

Tommy looked at you then, eyes narrowing, "Did he...was... Did you want it?"

"What?"

Swallowing thickly, he searched your face so soberly and your eyes widened, "You know what I'm askin', Lina. Don't make me spell it out, please..."

Something pinched within his gut as your brows knitted and shoulders shrugged, "Yes... I mean, no...I...I didn't think he'd...I thought that he-I didn't say no..." 

Tommy shook his head, finishing off the blunt before stumping it out on the small dish-turned-ashtray on the coffee table. His head swam, not fully understanding your answer to that question, it seeming as if you weren't entirely sure yourself, "He got you a pill, didn't he?"

"Yeah..."

Another sigh escaped him as he pinched the space between his brows, "You take it? Or are we headin' to the infirmary in the mornin'?"

"Infirmary won't do anything." You sniffed, "Yeah...Joel made me take it then and there..."

It was weak but he nodded his acknowledgment before letting his palms fall flat to his thighs, "I mean it, Lina. You shove those cards so far up his ass that he fuckin' chokes on 'em."

Your head dropped then, your voice shrinking so that he could barely hear, "I can't..."

"If it's 'cause you don't want to face him- and I don't fuckin' blame you, by the way- you give them to me and I'll do it. He ain't gonna get away with it, I won't let him. You are not a goddamn prostitute!"

You sniffed again, "No... it's not that..."

"Then what?" Tommy asked, his brows tilted.

"I can't afford to give them back." It sounded painful for you to say, as if you were trying to speak around a solid lump whilst squeezing your eyes closed, "It's why I was there- I didn't want to be...I didn't just wake up and think 'hey, I think I want to be a hooker'... FEDRA cut my pay again. I didn't even have enough to make rent on Monday. They'd end up putting me in one of those hostels. I was desperate..."

"Shit, Lina..." He groaned, his face back in his palms again for a second. Then he looked up and every muscle of his face felt heavy, "why didn't you just say somethin'? I-I could've helped you?"

You pursed your lips to prevent the trembling, your eyes welling once more, "You've already helped me so much... Since my Mom died-"

"No. No." Tommy cut in, "You come to me when you're strugglin'."

"I'm not going to use you Tommy!" You blurted out, "I have to stand on my own two feet."

"That ain't what you're doin'." Shuffling closer, he took your face into his hands, "We are friends and friends help each other. You did it for me, remember?"

Your throat bobbed as another tear rolled and you nodded.

"When my Mom died, you were there." He continued, "You made sure I ate, made sure I slept and you made sure I kept fuckin' goin' even when I really didn't want to. It's hard, Angel. I fuckin' know it is so let me help you, let me do the same for you."

The look on your face was one of uncertainty, as if you didn't believe you could possibly be deserving of a helping hand. "Lina, you're my friend- shit, might just be my closest one these days and you've been through so damn much. We all have. I can pay your rent or shit, just move in and we can live off of dual income? What I won't do is sit back and watch you destroy yourself and put yourself in stupid situations over a few shitty cards."

You blinked, wiping a hand across your eyes with a sigh, "I feel so fucking stupid..."

"Good," He smirked, tugging you into an embrace, "Now, I'm gonna play The Sixth Sense and you're gonna sit there and spend the next coupla hours fawnin' over Bruce Willis. Tomorrow, we'll collect your shit and you're movin' in. Ain't givin' you a damn choice, okay?"

He could feel your head bob against him, still sniffling as you breathed in the steady comfort, "Okay...thank you..." 

You snuggled into him for a few more seconds, the comfort of him being there doing something to soothe your soul and the shame finally hit you from when you all but threw yourself at him, "I'm sorry...about..."

"It's fine." He said.

"Is it okay if...if we go back to being just friends for a bit?" You frowned a little, squeezing onto him that bit more as if to reassure him that you still needed him, "I just..."

"You don't gotta explain yourself, Angel..." Tommy stroked the back of your head, "I think it's a smart decision...You still okay with sharin' a bed? I can always take the couch until we think of a better set up?"

"Tommy, I've been sharing a bed with you since we moved here." You said and he chuckled quietly. He was just about to flick play on the remote as you chirped up, "Tommy?"

And he hummed his response, "Can you tell me what happened with Vicky? I still want to know..."

At that a proper laugh escaped him before he groaned, "Argh, was a fuckin' disaster. Wouldn't stop chattin' about her ex all evenin'."

"Damn." You chuckled wetly, wiping those residual tears away.

"And get this," Tommy could barely keep a straight face, "She then, half way through dinner, tells me she's had a change of heart and that she wants to try n' get back with him but asked if I still wanted a quick shag whilst she's here."

"What did you say?"

He scrunched his face sheepishly and grimaced.

"That- that's awful... Did she stay the night?" You spluttered.

"Hell no. Didn't even make it to the bedroom. She was out the door before I even had my zip done up." 

You looked down towards the couch you were currently sat on, your lips pulling into a thin line, "It was on here... wasn't it?"

Tommy kissed the back of his teeth, "Just don't think about it..."

"Ew, so gross!" You groaned before laughing. Then you stopped, tilting your face to smile up at him, "Thank you for cheering me up..."

He smiled back, "S'what I'm here for."

The movie was just as good as a distraction as Tommy's failed date. Your mind being entirely absorbed by the chilling story on screen for the hours that it played, so much so that any thought of Joel steered clear from your head.

It stayed that way until you turned in for the night. Laid on your side in the darkness with Tommy wrapped around you, just as he had done when your only form of shelter was that flimsy little tent from the early months of your shared journey. You couldn't shift the guilt that began to form within you, it starting as a flutter before entirely consuming you. It sitting so heavy that you could no longer ignore it.

"Tommy? You still awake?" You whispered.

"Mhm."

"I..." You rolled over to face him, "I need to tell you something..."

Slowly he pulled his eyes open, them still droopy with sleep as he waited for you to continue, "You good?"

Your face twitched awkwardly and your heart began to pound, unsure of what the reaction might be, if he'd even want to continue on with his offer of you moving in as a permanent fixture. You took a deep breath and continued on anyway, to remove any secrets that still lingered between you both, "It wasn't the first time..."

Tommy's brows knitted, "Huh?"

"Joel... It-It wasn't the first time..."

His eyes flew open, propping himself up onto his elbow, "He's hurt you before?"

"No." You shook your head then sighed and broke eye contact, "Not physically at least but I...we... please don’t make me say it…"

The entire room became encased with a thick silence and Tommy's expression became unreadable almost, "Recently?"

"No..." You closed your eyes.

"He told me he hadn't seen you in almost two years..."

"He hasn't..." You said and then you sighed, "Back at the house...It-it just happened one night and then it kept happening."

"On a night?" Tommy looked at you perplexed "But I..."

"You're a really deep sleeper." You cut in before the silence fell back over you both and you could see him go through the motions, "Are you mad?"

Tommy hesitated, remembering that day in the garage. Your face splattered with the innards of that rabbit and Joel's offering of a warm bath... how you'd been so adamant that nothing was going on when he'd merely joked about it... It all fucking made sense now, "That my best friend was fuckin' my brother behind my back? The same brother that then fuckin'... shit, Lina..."

"I'm sorry..." You whispered, eyes all wide an pleading, "If you want me to go, I-I get it, I do..."

"No. You ain't going anywhere, fuck sake..." He sighed, "Is-is that why you didn't tell him 'no'?"

You nodded, "I...I thought that it meant something before 'cause well, it did to me but then we left the house and he...he just seemed so mad at me and then we arrived here and that was it. As if none of it ever happened... I thought last night... that..." You sighed deeply, burying your face into your palms, "I don't even know what I was thinking..."

Tommy's face softened a touch, his brows pinching in a different way, "How long...y'know... was it goin' on for? At the house..."

"Months... most of the time we were there..." You looked so defeated, "It started with him sitting with me after my nightmares and just...yeah. I thought he actually cared y'know..."

"How the fuck did I not figure any of this shit out?" He rolled onto his back, staring up at the ceiling.

"We were pretty good at hiding it...He'd barely look at me during the day unless he absolutely had too." Gradually your racing heart began to ease and you let out a sad snort, "Should've been the first red flag..."

Tommy lulled his head to one side, catching the sullenness of your expression- it being different from the frantic pain you appeared to be in when you first arrived, "You had feelings for him?"

"Yeah..."

He reached for your hand then, giving it a squeeze, "Again, I wish you woulda told me..."

"Not so easy when it's your brother, Tommy..." A small half hearted scoff huffed out from you.

"I know and I know he's my brother but..." Tommy sighed, "He ain't the same person he was before all of this- and he ain't ever been the easiest, got too much of a damn temper on him. Always has but now..." He paused for a difficult breath, "Losin' Sarah's really fucked him up- and I ain't makin' no excuses for him either but he's only gettin' worse... He ain't no good for you Lina. I'm tellin' you this as my friend, steer clear of him."

You closed your eyes and nodded in understanding.

"You deserve better..." He added quietly.

—————————————————————————

The distressed whimpers and twitches kept him awake throughout the night, your nightmares appearing prevalent although at no point did you fully awaken with a start or cry. It seemed that your mind was just content in letting you suffer without remorse. Tommy had tried to gently wake you, he knew well of your incubus's by now, but you never did fully stir. Your flinching muscles and taut expression merely softening beneath the gentle baritone of his voice but never quite diminishing completely. 

But as he awoke to a new light slowly brightening the room, you had looked so peaceful beside him. A peace he wanted to protect and preserve.

He sat up slowly, your frame huffing as the brisk spring air tickled at your clothed back and replaced the absence of his warmth.

You grumbled still half asleep, "It's early..."

"I know," He soothed, tucking the duvet back around you to try and maintain some of the heat your bodies had created during the night, "just somethin' I gotta tend to."

You groaned before rolling yourself over to bury your face into the pillow.

He got up then, still dressed from the night before and only splashing a palmful of water into his face from the bathroom tap to try and freshen his eyes.

"I won't be long," Tommy called out from the living room with a jangle of keys as he grabbed a handful of ration cards from his savings and moved towards the front door.

————————————————————————

It was a ten minute walk. A ten minute walk where each step forward made the blood in his veins flow that little bit hotter. The tears on your face, the pain in your irises and the discolouration of your skin flashing before his eyes. His best friend. His goddamn fucking brother responsible. That after months of Joel scolding him for just looking at you in that bar, a girl of your age- ‘too young’ he’d said, he went ahead and took you for himself. To what? Hurt you? 

He tried to breathe through it as he approached the building, to subdue his fluctuating heart rate. The more level headed side of himself desperately trying- and failing- to pierce its way through the crimson fog. It only needed to be a stern talk. It didn't need to escalate. 

But that patience and forced placidity only seemed to dwindle with each passing second that he waited unanswered outside the front door.

"Open up!"

Any semblance of calm that he'd tried to instil within himself disintegrated as soon as the door opened, it burning to ash under the scorched flames that belonged to his unwavering anger.

Tommy went for him. A fist landing straight into his jaw before then clasping onto Joel's collar as he shoved him back into the apartment. There had clearly been no anticipation for it, his older brother stumbling backwards before then stabilising his stance and gripping onto Tommy’s shoulders.

"What the fuck is wrong with you!" Tommy roared, his hands still screwed up in Joel's shirt, giving him a shake and his chest heaved, "The fuck did you do to her?"

Joel's expression went from one of surprise to void of all emotion within a split second, "If you know what's good for you, Tommy, then you'll get your goddamn hands off of me."

Tommy didn’t budge. Punctuating each and every word slowly, “What did you do?”

There was no response, just a cold vacant stare  as Joel clenched his jaw. His eyes boring into Tommy’s who’s were ignited with a fire that he hadn’t ever associated with his younger sibling.

“You rape her, huh?” He said it between gritted teeth. It spat as a statement rather than a question. Taking all the fragments of information he had and drawing to an end conclusion despite your lack of a confident answer when he posed the same question to you the night before.

Joel’s eyes widened before snorting with a head shake, releasing his grip of Tommys shoulders, “That’s what she’s fuckin’ sayin’?”

“Nah…” Tommy was stoic, his demeanour keeping its rigid stance. “She’s still curvin’ round that term but the fuckin’ state of her tells me I ain’t wrong.”

The next words that left his brothers lips only served to add fuel to the already raging blaze, them all but snarled at him and in that moment- in this entire scenario, in fact- he couldn’t recognise the man who was supposed to be his family. “I didn’t do nothin’ she didn’t ask for!”

“She asked for you to fuckin’ turn her black and blue?” His eyes narrowed, a hint of derision to his tone before his voice raised once more. “She is a goddamn mess!”

“She was in there sellin’ herself! Could’ve been fuckin’ anyone she ended up goin’ home with!” Joel yelled back.

“But it was YOU!” Tommy released the collar of material he was still white knuckling, his palm shoving harshly at Joel’s chest to punctuate the end of his sentence. “You even seen what you’ve done? Her entire fuckin’ body! And what the fuck is that on her back?” He flared his arms to the side expressively, “They’ll kill her without a second fuckin’ thought if anyone sees! Looks like she’s been mauled by a goddamn runner!”

He could see Joel begin to falter, him unable to maintain the eye contact as he turned his head to the side and pulled his lips into a thin line, a dark mark already starting to bleed across his cheek. He had no fucking answer to that. He knew that was all him. He fucking knew you hadn’t asked for any of that. The fact that he could recognise his misdoings, how he’d put you at risk in more ways than just one and still avoided admitting it to himself only riled Tommy up further.

“No. Don’t fuckin’ shut down on me, Joel. You don’t get to do that!” He snapped before shaking his head and wiping an exasperated palm down over his weary face. That same palm flopped back to his side as he tried to search for eye contact once more, his tone shifting from rage into just plain disappointment, “She told me everythin’ last night…’bout you n’ her. The house… She fuckin’ trusted you, and then some.”

“Stop.” Joel’s eyes flew back to his own, them blunt and sharp, “You don’t know what your talkin’ about.”

“Don’t I?” Tommy asked, incredulous.“You really believe the bullshit that you’re tellin’ yourself? That Lina is to blame for everything? Do you even hear yourself?”

Joel said nothing, his jaw squared and Tommy couldn’t help but all but bellow it, “She fuckin’ saved your life! You owe her!”

“I never fuckin’ asked her to.” He said cold and sharp with next to no regard for his own damn life. It spoken as if your actions were nothing but an inconvenience… as if his existence was something inconsequential.

“I thought better of you… fuckin’ looked up to you my whole life…” Tommy spoke quietly. Drained from the entire conversation he looked to Joel with nothing but pain, “and you are a father to a little girl. How could you?”

“Don’t you dare.” There was a whole new daring edge to Joel’s voice. A static charge radiating off of him as his entire posture turned stiff. “I’m warnin’ you. Do not go there.”

Tommy didn’t dare listen.

“Nah. I need you to hear this.” He said, face twisting as he remembered the father, the human that Joel once used to be. “Imagine if it was her! Imagine if it was your daughter who came to you in that mess!”

Joel’s nostrils flared, the clenched muscles in his face feathering and the vein of his throat that would only show when livid was prominent, “Tommy.” 

“Imagine if it were Sarah!” Tommy barked, it sounding strained as he cut him off, his own face flushed rubescent as he did.

There had been no time for him to react, let alone duck as Joel’s solid fist impacted against his face with a hard thump. The taste of copper bleeding onto his tongue.

He sniffed, using the back of his hand to wipe beneath his nose. Hot and wet the crimson transferred onto his skin. Tommy took a moment, his head spinning before glancing up towards Joel. His older brother still stood squared, eyes frantic- caught somewhere between regret, fear and lividity and his shoulders heaved with each heavy breath. Tommy sniffed, wiping the blood onto the legs of his jeans. His voice a mere mumble beneath his breath. “That’s what I thought…”

Joel said nothing, just frozen there in this near catatonic state and Tommy watched, waiting for something- anything, but it never came. He swallowed thickly after a prolonged period of silence, his brows furrowing whilst he shook his head and pulled a handful of cards from his jeans pocket and tossed them haphazardly to his brothers feet. A conscious and purposeful replication of the degrading action he made towards you.

“Take your fuckin’ cards back. She don’t need them…” Quietly, Tommy made his way back towards the front door, a discomforting calm fizzling through the previous tensions as he glanced back over his shoulder and snarled, “and stay the fuck away from her.” 

Chapter Text

January 2007

It was nothing short of bone chilling, those ear piercing cries for mercy and the squelch of flesh being mangled and torn- that and the mass of blood curdling guttural shrieks that echoed after them as he and Tess took off in the hopes of leaving the vomit inducing scene in the distance.

"Joel!"  He didn't understand why Tess was shouting for him. What else were they supposed to do other that flee the area at a high of a speed as physically possible when travelling on foot? 

The deal had gone bad. Real bad. Something that seemed to be increasing in frequency as of late, only this time the sound of gun fire had attracted a nearby horde- another factor that had dramatically increased within the area as outsiders caught wind of the quarantine zone and came searching for refuge. Not many were still accepting new comers, them all being at maximum capacity. Memphis still had its gates open though, despite the evident overcrowding- this made it a popular end destination for those considered stragglers. 

This is how he ended up here, all but sprinting through the ruins of the city alongside Tess with a team of mutated beings trying to match their pace. At least the bastards who'd tried to fuck them over met their comeuppance. Who the fuck did they think they were, anyway, trying to get a jump on them to get their hands on the stock without bringing anything in return? Assholes. 

They made an excellent buffer though, the group of infected heaping atop and tearing into them to give him and Tess a good few seconds head start on their escape.

One unsure step would result in a catastrophic end for either of them, the entire city littered with debris, abandoned cars, crumbling buildings and of course the corresponding craters from the fucking blitz that had taken place in the years prior. The entire area a goddamn death trap.

"We should circle back!" Tess called out, "We dropped a whole load of shit back there!"

"What?!" Was she being serious? "No we're fuckin' leavin' it!"

There was a still relatively stable looking building up ahead, one that still had intact windows and a door. An old restaurant by the looks of things. Somewhere that would likely have a back exit too, somewhere that they could dart through in the hopes of losing the undead mob that chased after them. A place that would allow them a few seconds to reload their weapons since all were now firing blanks after the shoot out with the apparent trustworthy traders... what fucking bullshit that was... damn triers.

Joel hauled himself over the upturned Alfa Romeo, the rust from its metal transferring onto the palms of his hands as he briefly gripped the drive shaft for momentum. 

He glanced back over his shoulder as his feet hit down onto solid ground, ensuring Tess was still on his heels. She very much was.

"Two o'clock." He called back at her, his chest already feeling tight from exertion.

Tess's mind was clearly preoccupied by the need to flee as her eyes narrowed, "What?"

"The..." Joel trailed off before shaking his head. There was little to no reason in wasting the time to explain and so instead he reached out and grabbed her by the straps of her pack and redirected her towards the building.

She suddenly understood, "You know that it's clear?"

"Not a damn clue but we'll have more of a chance with whatever's lurkin' in there than with these fuckers!"

The pair of them hurried in with Joel slamming the door shut behind and barricading it up to the best of his ability. It thumped, the partition rattling amongst the sound of hissing and screeching.

"They're like hounds on a fucking scent," Tess huffed whilst quickly swapping over the mag of her revolver, her hands quivering from the anxiety inducing thrill.

Joel followed with his own, fresh compartment clicking back into place as he began to pace urgently towards the back, "C'mon. That door ain't gonna hold them back for long... we got two minutes at best to work out how the hell we're gonna get out of here."

It didn't take him long to sense that she wasn't following his lead and he snapped his body around with a sense of urgency and a tense shrug.

"That shit we dropped, that was valuable." She stated, still stood whilst anxiously checking over her shoulder at the barricade that was shuddering with each strike of the door, "I'm not happy about leaving it behind."

"Ain't been left with much of a choice, Tess." The desperation of the matter began to show within his voice, eyes flitting between her and the door before a heavier thud nearly had the partition caving through.

They didn't have time for this. Now wasn't the place to hold fire and hash out a new plan, to recalculate. They needed to keep moving.

The clawing continued and yet another hard thump rattled the walls. It loud and forceful enough to cause Tess's eyes to widen and her body to jerk forwards.

"C'mon, now!" Joel yelled above the ruckus, his hand going for her shoulder and yanking her with him as he turned on his heels and picked up an adrenaline fuelled jog to the back of the room.

He heaved open the double doors and fled through the abandoned kitchen, allowing Tess to take the lead whilst pulling what appliances he could- shelves, carts, even the damn refrigerator- down over to create further obstructions for the creatures that had latched onto the scent of their untainted blood. Anything to give them both an extra second or two to save their skins.

They could hear the barricade give way. The plank of wood lodged between the handles of the entrance splintering and snapping and the clatter of the not so carefully stacked tables and stools toppling over.

"Joel!" He was just trying to drag out an old freezer, one of those industrial sized ones with the lid as Tess shouted for him. He looked up to find her shouldering and fighting with the back exit- their only escape, "It's fucking..." With gritted teeth and a futile determination she jostled the handle again, "jammed!"

With the hideous sound of infected fighting their way in and the notion of their only surviving chance at getting out of this alive dwindling away, the freezer quickly became a lost thought. Abandoning the idea, he didn't think twice before hastening towards the steel door and ramming his entire weight into it. Joel slammed his shoulder and right side into the partition over and over in quick succession but with each failed attempt, the doors structure weakened that bit more. On the fourth try, with his shoulder already feeling bruised and sore, the rusted seized lock crumbled and the now heavily dented hunk of metal swung open, it almost flying from its corroded hinges.

It wasn't far from where they were. The walls of the quarantine zone just a matter of blocks away and the manhole used to sneak in undetected through the underground tunnels was just that bit closer. All they had to do was keep running, keep focusing on moving forward, to outrun them for a little bit longer. He hoped to fucking god that today wasn't to be one of those days where that damn manhole cover chooses to pick a fight...

The diversion and purposefully created obstacles served its purpose, them both combined allowing that distance between infected and somewhat healthy to increase by a few more precious seconds as they both, with what little breath and energy they had remaining, scrambled across the city as fast as their legs would carry them. The entire process being fuelled by nothing but sheer adrenaline as it used up their last reserves.

Moments like these always felt as if they expanded on for a prolonged period of time with Joel being unable to identify just how long they'd been trying to flee the area for. It felt like it had been hours. Hours of their lives being on that delicate and frail line of mortality when reality would likely be there to prove that the entire process from their agreed trading spot to his current location had likely only been a matter of minutes.

After what felt like forever he rounded the tilted ruins of the last skyscraper on the block and the relieving site of those slowly deteriorating concreted walls came into view. All they needed to do was keep pace and head to the west, just another minute or two max.

And he did just that, ignoring the burn that radiated through his calves whilst intermittently checking over his shoulder to ensure Tess was still present. 

The sickening guttural sound of squawks and shrieks remained to follow, the mass of thundering steps vibrating through the concrete despite the additional few yards of distance put between them.

Joel was thankful for the small sliver of luck that appeared to still remain on their side, the man hole cover sliding off with ease as he heaved the lid up to expose their way out of the grim situation. With his arm outstretched, Tess eagerly grabbed for his hand and he helped her lower herself in, waiting for the small grunt to escape from her lips as her feet hit the floor. 

It was just as they did that the sound of sniper fire sounded out from above, the hideous thunder of a horde approaching the outer walls doing its job to alert FEDRA. The lack of men on foot confirming to Joel that he and Tess had managed to slide beneath the radar undetected once again as he dropped himself into the hole before dragging the cover back over the opening.

The adrenaline remained to career through their veins, their bodies buzzing with the intensity and rush of the moment just gone as they both continued to jog through the underground passage until reaching the smuggler-made opening that was situated beneath the foundations of a basement that had become a communal hideout for those in the same line of business as them.

Climbing the rickety old ladder and ramming the unsecured floorboards to one side, Joel hauled himself up and out, reaching back down for Tess and pulling her up with him.

She'd barely grounded herself before being tugged into him by her belt loops. That dark look within his eyes that had become all so familiar flashing alongside a subtle smirk- one that made her grin knowingly as she allowed her hands to reach up to his shoulders.

Joel spoke lowly, the pair of them oblivious to room around them, "I know that shit was worth a lot," he paused for a beat, fingers slipping up to Tess's waist, "Ain't no one gonna come for it, place is infested. It's a fuckin' death trap out there. Let's wait a day or two and then head back out to retrieve it when shit’s settled back down. Okay?"

Tess searched his eyes, her heart pounding, all that pent up fear and energy screaming for an urgent release and it was just about the only time where she'd ever agree to anything he'd say without further questioning if it meant they could speed forward to the part where he'd fuck her hard and desperate up against the wall. Did she really want to wait? No. Could they think of an alternative route to get to it sooner? Probably... but just to shut him up without pissing him off... "Okay."

Joel gave a firm nod before moving to press her back, closing any remaining space between them and feeling her breath hot against his bottom lip as the thrill of the get away demanded its sweet release from the human form it was bound within. The static buzz of the atmosphere promptly being interrupted by the sound of a foreign throat clearing harshly behind them.

"Jesus fucking Christ, Shane!" Tess promptly jumped back, her hand briefly clasping at her heart before regaining composure and adjusting the hem of her button down. 

He was a young lad, nineteen maybe twenty at a push, sprawled out across the tattered brown leather couch on the right hand side of the room. "Don't mind me," he shrugged, kicking his feet back up onto the armrest and nonchalantly waving his hand towards the pair of them, "you guys carry on..."

"The fuck are you down here for?" As always Joel moved straight to the point. Shane, whilst known within these parts, was not apart of their 'business'. Too young. Too much of a liability. Those two facts didn't however, stop them from using him time to time for small low risk assignments when they were either short of hands or simply couldn't be assed.

Shane shrugged, tossing his pen knife up into the air and then catching it again in the same hand, "Waiting for you guys..."

"And why's that?" Tess asked, weight resting on one knee as her hands came to land on her hips.

The late teen shrugged again with a false sigh, eyes following the line of his knife as it somersaulted.

"Fuck sake," Joel huffed, taking several abrupt steps forward and holding five points worth of cards above the boys head. He met Shane's eyes with raised expectant brows, getting a pair of reluctant trying ones back in return, "Start talkin', kid or I'll shove that knife of yours where the sun don't shine."

Shane's face fell flat, reaching up to snatch the cards out of Joel's grasp, "Luke paid me ten to wait for you both. Said to send you up to... Kimi's?"

West hideout. Got it. Joel clenched his jaw, "Luke already paid you for this?"

"Hey," The kid said defensively, swinging his legs around and sitting up, "I'm just trying to make a living, man."

Tess took a step forward, joining Joel at his side to act as that voice of reason, her hand finding his shoulder as if to hold him back. "Well, you've done your job. Now get the fuck out of here, sly prick before Joel takes your knife and makes good on that threat."

Shane briefly glanced from her to Joel, as if to expect him to falter at the prospect of harming another but his expression remain stony, unwavering. The kid swallowed thickly with a firm nod of the head and as soon as Joel and Tess took a step back he scampered away with his tail between his legs.

Tess wetted her lips, eyes trained to where the kid had ran off out of sight, "C'mon. We better see what the fuck is going on..."

————————————————————————

Tess burst open the door with Joel a step behind, it slamming shut at their backs as they both stopped a stride in to glance around the room. Amit and Tommy were both manspread across the couch, Kimiko perched on the edge of the battered dining table and Luke was ominously leant up against the wall. A full house. 

"What's all this?" Tess asked, turning to address Luke.

"How'd the trade go?" He responded, avoiding the question posed.

She shook her head and slapped her hands against the sides of her thighs in dismay, "It went shit now answer my question, Luke. We made no plans to meet until next week so what's going on?"

Luke sucked in a breath and glanced around the room, all five faces stared expectantly back before he released the holding of oxygen and pushed off from the wall. A somewhat grim expression crossed his face, "We got a decision to make..."

Joel shrugged, "About?"

"What we do next." Luke answered, pulling his lips into a thin line, "My informant- one of the officers, came in for his usual yesterday evening. Got talking about the job... how shit things here have gotten over the last eighteen months or so... He said that it's becoming near on impossible to keep infected out especially with the damage done to the wall..."

There had been multiple breaches within the last three months. Some bigwig had the great idea of detonating further bombs around the city to try and control the ever increasing threat of infected... the only issue being that a couple of those said explosives went off a little too close to the wall. It wasn't like repairs on such a scale were easy nowadays, resources and materials were tight across the world and so the damage went untouched, left to deteriorate further, leaving the zone vulnerable to the outside world. The weakened areas were supposedly monitored and guarded twenty-four seven although that somehow didn't manage to stop five separate outbreaks of the cordyceps infection from breaking out around the zone... 

"FEDRA are pulling back. Saying Memphis is a lost cause..." He finalised, waiting for a reaction.

Tommy and Amit shared an uncomfortable look between one another, their once comfy postures turning rigid at the thought.

"FEDRA are abandoning the zone?" Tess repeated, trying to ensure her understanding was correct to which Luke nodded.

"Yeah... trucks will be arriving over the course of the next week. Guards and officers will then be relocated across the other remaining zones..."

"What zones?" Tess demanded.

"I don't know for sure... I know Atlanta's still going strong, KC and Boston too. I bet there's more but..." He shook his head.

"What does that mean for all us?" Tommy piped up, leaning forward with his elbows propped up on his knees.

"Decision ain't been made yet, apparently.“ Luke sniffed with a shrug. “Confirmed that no relocations will take place for civilians so either they just abandon us or well... bomb the zone with everyone in it... Dead people can't get infected..."

"Fuckers." Amit slumped back whilst Kimiko stayed quiet.

Joel pinched at the bridge of his nose before dragging a heavy hand down over his face, "Either way, as soon as those walls are breached, we're all fuckin' good as dead anyway... the city's crawlin' with 'em."

"Joel and I barely got our asses back alive today..." Tess added, a heaviness to her tone.

It was then that Kimiko finally spoke up, sliding off the tables surface to perch herself on the armrest beside Tommy, "Okay... so we have this information. What are we doing with it?"

"Staying is a fast pass to the after life... I know that much." Luke sighed.

Tess began to pace, back and forth, up and down the room, "What if we left? What if we leave before the chaos starts... we'd have a better chance, right?"

"And go where?" Joel asked with that usual patronising tone slipping out, the tone that would always make itself present when subjected to a new and seemingly not very well thought out plan.

"I don't fucking know!" She snapped, before addressing the rest of the room, "Listen, we've all done time out on the road before arriving here. We have experience of what it's like out there and we all survived it. We can do it again, the six of us." Tess paused for a beat, "Maybe we'll head to another zone or maybe we could just, I don't know... keep each other alive and find somewhere safe for us to turn into a home..."

"Sounds like a better plan that just staying put." Amit shrugged before tapping his foot over the loosely fitted floorboards, "Ammo, guns and shit- what have we got left?"

"Enough... or enough to get us a decent way." Kimiko replied.

"And what happens when we run out? Doubt the armouries will still be stocked. They were almost picked clean years back." Tommy counteracted.

"We won't run out." It was somewhat dark, the way in which Tess had said it and Tommy looked to his brother, his throat feeling suddenly tight.

Joel was poker throughout and even when he met Tommy's eyes, the stern warning was only very subtle, "I don't know how we can safely get back there but infected ripped apart our traders from earlier. They had a decent supply of weapons and ammunition on them. If we can grab that, it'll give us more of a reserve and yeah... we take what we can get goin' forward."

"So," Amit slapped his hands down onto his thighs, "When are we doing this?"

Tess chewed her lip, scanning each of their faces. "Go home, grab what you need and let's meet back here at sun set to rip this place apart." She nodded to herself, "It's skeleton crew working overnight so if we aim to leave around midnight, we've got a good chance of getting it all out and loaded in the truck without being spotted."

Hums and mutters of agreement filled the room as Tommy sat there with furrowed brows. "Aren't we rushin' into this a bit?"

"First truck arrives in two days, Tommy. We ain't got time to piss-ass about." Luke said sternly, "As soon as people catch wind- and they will. This entire place will turn to fucking madness."

The prospect of leaving this place after years of relatively easy living, and so suddenly too, just to head back out onto the road wasn't a welcome notion. Then he thought of you before mumbling out loud and shifting from his seat, "I need to find Lina."

"Who?" Tess asked, expression pinching in confusion as she twisted to face him.

He didn't have the time to answer before Joel abruptly cut in, "This ain't a plus one event, Tommy."

"Plus one?" He scoffed before his face fell flat, "I ain't just gonna leave her behind."

"She won't last five minutes out there." Joel declared, just the thought of him being forced within your proximity made his jaw set.

“Still better odds than her stayin’ here by the sounds of it.”

Tommy wetted his lips, his chest beginning to tingle with that burn of agitation. You'd remained to be a sore subject between the brothers, with Joel's apparent lack of ability to accept what he'd done.

"And I'll remind you again, that she's the only damn reason you're still alive." The stiffness in Tommy's voice was inescapable as he turned to Tess with no further interest in explaining himself to his older brother, "My housemate... There's no way in hell that I'm gonna fuck off without a word and leave her here to die."

Tess glanced at Joel and then back to him, searching his eyes for any inclination that the additional head might be a bad decision before nodding rigidly, "Fine but you can't expect the rest of us to be responsible for keeping her alive."

"I don't. I'll have her back and she can handle herself anyway."

She nodded once more with another puff of air being forced through her nostrils as Tommy straightened to his full height. Everyone else around him began to stir, preparing to stuff their entire lives into yet another rucksack but Joel remained still, his face fallen and slightly drawn as he stared down towards his feet.

Tommy brushed past him, intentionally shoving him with his shoulder and waiting for the retaliation. It was one of those rare instances where in which he didn't get one. He paused as impact was made, lowering his voice so that only Joel could hear, "I ain't abandonin' her just 'cause you refuse to own up to what you did." He watched his brothers neck tense, "I suggest you stay out of her way."

—————————————————————————-

"And then he was saying, you don't have time for me... honest to god, I have three kids and have known him for all of six months- of course he's not my top priority." 

Your knees ached as you scrubbed the skirting boards of the recovery ward with your trusty toothbrush, the one who's bristles were now ratty and worn down- you'd need to find yourself a new one for cleaning purposes soon- whilst you listened to Sal rattle on about her latest failed relationship. You tried to sound interested, not that she seemed to care too much, happy to have the opportunity to get it off her chest. You'd figured that between her small tribe of children, she rarely got to have any adult conversations so you were happy to indulge her, "uh-huh..."

"It was clear from then that it wasn't going to work out so I just- well, I just told him straight because that's how you've gotta be with men. No point sugar coating it." 

"What did you tell him?" You asked, genuinely a little bit curious as you used the conversation to distract you from your sore knees.

"Told him that my kids will always be my top priority and if he can't handle that then well, he knows where the door is... and through that damn door he went." She shook her head with a faux smirk before straightening from her all fours and resting back on her heels, "Men, who needs them. Right?"

"Preach it." You smiled back, swiping the loose hair from your face as you looked up.

Sal gave you a pointed look, "I'm telling you honey, you keep to being single and you'll have no problems."

And that was your plan. There had been no dates, no one night stands and even your relationship with Tommy had become fully platonic since that night. You'd lost interest in any of it. Happy to keep yourself to yourself... it felt safer that way. 

You hadn't even caught a glimpse of Joel since the morning he forced a pill down your throat and threw his payment for your apparent services at your feet. You were glad in a way, to not have to face it...or him. What would he even say if you did? What would you say for that matter? Though, you had expected him to burst through the door at least once whilst you were living in his siblings apartment... so much so that you actually sat Tommy down one evening to ensure that he hadn't actually murdered his brother and stashed his body somewhere....

"Lina!" Speak of the devil.

Sals head snapped straight up as he began to stride over and you could see the twitch of an eye brow beginning to arch on her face, the assumption already forming within her mind as an undoubtedly attractive man walked towards you.

"Who's that?" Her voice was ever so slightly pitched, her scrubbing of the wall devolving into weak ineffective strokes as she locked onto Tommy.

It made you roll your eyes.

"A friend." You stated firmly, disinterested.

She turned to you then, a small smirk tugging at her lips, "Ah... the same friend who you live with?... who has the apartment filled with food?"

"Yes." Your brows raised, "and whatever it is you think you've pieced together. I can sure as hell tell you that you're very much wrong."

"Anyway," you said, not giving Sal the chance to intercept. You dropped your brush into the bucket of now murky disinfectant with a splash and hauled yourself to your feet before giving your knees a quick dusting off, "don't know why he's here so I better see what he wants."

He stopped halfway through the room and waited for you to meet him there. Your brows furrowed upon noticing the uncertainty in his expression. He wasn't even looking at you, acting all shifty and anxious as his eyes darted around the space.

"You...okay?" You asked cautiously, eyes narrowing that bit more.

It was rare to see Tommy displaying such unease, him usually being the one to have all the composure and reassurance out of the two of you.  It unnerved you.

Not one word was spoken as he eventually settled on you with a face that could only be described as foreboding.

You swallowed thickly, "What?"

Tommy pulled his lips into a pursed line and gave the room another quick scan, flexing and clenching his fingers against his clammy palm. He shook his head before reaching out to lightly tug at your arm, "Not here. C'mon."

"I can't just walk off- I'm in the middle of a shift." You gave a bit of resistance, "I finish up in like two hours. Can it not wait?"

His back was already turned, anticipating for you to just follow with no further ado... but why would you? He'd hardly explained himself or conducted himself cooly... It wasn't a conversation he could have with you in this space. Not with all the FEDRA guards snooping about... he couldn't risk them listening in on what information he'd been made privy to and neither could it wait until you finish up your shift. 

There was a beat of hesitation before he twisted around to you once more, "I wouldn't be here if it wasn't urgent."

You checked over your shoulder as one of the guards began to make their rounds, not yet noticing the fact that you'd stopped your job to chatter, "Tommy, if I walk out now then I don't get paid." 

"It don't matter."

A small laugh escaped from you, "What do you mean it doesn't matter? Your..." you lowered your voice a significant amount, "business hasn't exactly been doing the best the last couple of months with all the infected and shit. We need the cards, Tommy."

His eyes were solid and urgent as he searched yours, his hand rising to loosely catch ahold of your upper arm once more, "Do you trust me?"

"Of course I do."

"Then believe me when I say that we've got to go." 

You paused for a moment, absorbing the look in his eyes whilst trying to make some sense of his behaviour. Not much came to mind but you did trust him and had no reason to not believe any word that left his lips.

A sigh escaped from you as you scratched the top of your head, sparing a quick glance back to Sal who'd seemingly lost interest in eavesdropping on you the moment the guard walked in. "Fine."

With that you briskly began to follow Tommy out of the ward and through the corridors of the infirmary. Your last name echoed down the hall as the guard caught wind of your unauthorised departure, it shouted in a way that reminded you of being back at school and getting caught smoking in the girls bathroom.

"It's an emergency! Sorry!" You called back as you picked your pace up and into a jog.

The pair of you moved in silence for a little while, you following on Tommy's heels as he appeared to lead you back...home? It made no sense...

"Is the apartment flooded or something?" You frowned, "a fire?"

He kept powering forward, "No...no, it's nothin' like that."

"Then what?" You reached for his shoulder and tugged him back, waiting for him to come to a standstill and turn to look at you, "You're freaking me out...I don't like it when you act all shady and shit."

Your shared apartment was only another two blocks away but Tommy knew the look within your eyes all too well by this point. Concern. Stubbornness. You weren't going to move another step until he gave you something to work with. 

With a sigh and a quick check of his six he pulled you down a narrow alleyway, one that smelt like piss and stale cigarettes... but then again most of the zone did these days.

He took a long breath and leaned back against the brickwork whilst sparking a fresh roll up of his own as you patiently waited.

"Thought you were supposed to be quitting..." You quipped, watching the end of the cigarette glow before smouldering into its usual ashy grey colour.

His voice sounded muffled as he held the smoke within his lungs, "Need it..." 

Gently, he pulled the roll up away from his lips and tapped its butt, the flakes of burning ash drifting down to the concrete to be absorbed by the damp. His head then tilted back as he blew the plumes of carbon up towards the sky and that chemical scent of tobacco became so much more pungent to your nose.

You sighed with a shrug and then rested your hands on your hips, "So what is it? A deal gone bad? People after you...us?"

Tommy shook his head whilst taking another drag, he stared at the ground with pinched brows for a brief moment before running his tongue across his bottom lip, "We're uh... we're leavin'."

"Huh?" Your eyes narrowed, "What do you mean? Leaving?"

Yet another drag was taken and he scratched his forehead, "As in skippin' ship, gettin' outta here..."

"B-but...why?" The disconcertment began to draw tight as your brows did, "I-I don't under...it-it's safe here? Or-or safer than anywhere out there, at least...Why would you leave?"

He hesitated, the cigarette continuing to steadily burn up despite not being smoked as he studied the mixture of perplexity, anxiety and fear that drowned out the usual warmth of your aura. It was quiet and sullen when he did finally expand, taking a step closer so that he was sure that only you could hear, "It ain't safe here, Angel... at least it won't be for much longer..."

"I don’t-"

"I told you about the amount of infected now in the city, right? And of course you know about the extra bombings the other month..." You nodded."Yeah well, it-it didn't do all that much in pushin' 'em back. Wasted all the damn resources on the wrong areas n' now the walls fucked. They ain't fixin' it up... They ain't got no plans to either..."

"How do you know?" You asked quietly.

"One of the guys I work with, Luke... He's got an informant. An officer...." Tommy sighed, "FEDRA are movin' out over the next week... They're abandonin' the city..."

"They're abandoning the city?" Your gaze dropped to your feet as you repeated him more for yourself rather than to actually question your friend, to help that slice of unsavoury information sink in. Your face pinched before glancing back up again, "I-I mean that doesn't have to mean it's the end. What if everyone clubs together and- and protect what we have and..."

"Can you really see that happenin'?" Tommy cut you off and you faltered. No. You couldn't see that at all... it was all just wishful thinking on your part. It was every man for himself in this new world. He shook his head, dropping the dog end onto the tarmac and watched it sizzle, "There ain't no future here, Lina... As soon as they leave, this entire place becomes a fuckin' free all you can eat buffet for that damn fungus. They'll be crawlin' all over the second FEDRA aren't there to push 'em back and it's so overcrowded in here that we won't stand a goddamn chance when it all kicks off..."

Your mouth hung agape as you took the reality in, leaving you blinking and speechless. 

Tommy swallowed thickly, his brows all furrowed, "and..." he huffed, "and then there's the possibility of them not even lettin' it get that far... talks of 'em blitzing the whole city, completely flattenin' it and everyone inside."

You choked at that. A nausea settling within your stomach as you recalled your narrow escape from Austin.

Tommy pulled you into an embrace, holding you close and tight so that you could feel the warmth of his skin.

"What do we do?" You murmured into his jacket, your eyes now not blinking at all.

"We go home, pack our shit and meet the others on the west side of town." He leaned back to catch your eyes, "We ain't sure where we're goin' yet but we're gettin' out of here tonight before shit hits the fan... I told 'em that I ain't leavin' you behind."

Finally you managed to blink and it was as if all your senses hit you at once with an intense panic crashing over you like a deluge, "I-I-I gotta warn Sal. She- the kids... shit- I gotta-"

"No." Tommy's face dropped as his grip on you tightened, "No, no, no. You can't say shit to anyone, Lina. I barely managed to persuade the others to let you tag along... You tell one person and it spreads like fuckin' wild fire and then none of us'll get out alive."

You felt your eyes begin to gloss over,  your throat constricting tightly and within a second he had you tugged back against him, his own body quivering ever so subtly, "C'mon, you know it ain't no place for kids out there...They won't last and we won't be able to protect 'em." He sniffed, "At least if they bomb, it'll be quick. They probably won't know a damn thing..."

You couldn't find anything to say so you didn't speak a word, trying to simply focus on breathing past the thick lump obstructing your throat as you buried yourself into Tommy's front.

"C'mon," His voice cracked, "We gotta get packin'... we start loadin' the Chevy up at midnight..."

—————————————————————————

The hot air in your lungs rattled as you followed Tommy through the rat runs of the west side. Your breath a shallow mist ahead of your steps that curled up and vanished into the winters night sky. It was fucking baltic. 

You'd never really ventured much to this part of town, never had any need to and you'd heard of the stories, the tales that were more than enough to put you off. The black markets, fighting rings and alleyways riddled with thugs who'd jump you at any given opportunity... It lived up to the image within your head as Tommy muttered for you to keep looking directly ahead and to not make any eye contact under any circumstances. 

You couldn't wait to get out of there, something he could seemingly easily sense as he reached back to grab your hand whilst pushing your way past a stand that appeared to be selling human fucking organs harvested from god knows fucking where.

The relief spilled out from you the very second that Tommy dragged you in through the front door of an old worn down four story building.

"We're just up on the third floor. Stay close... it ain't like our building..." He said quietly and you nodded. No shit. Everyone you'd come across in these parts so far looked like they wanted to kill you or worse.

You followed him within sniffing distance, even grasping ahold of the adjusting tassel on his pack each time you heard the floorboards creak under another unfamiliar persons weight.

Tommy stopped you as you reached the destined floor. His jaw twitching slightly as you ran your fingers over the ruined wall paper on the hall way, sheets of it torn and peeling away from the crumbling plaster beneath, "Y'know Joel's gonna be there, right?"

Even just hearing his name sent a sharp jolt through your system, "Yeah... I gathered since he's a part of your... whatever you call it."

"And you're okay with that?" He asked, tilting his head to catch your suddenly avoidant gaze.

You snorted, still focused on picking at the wallpaper, "What choice do I have? Try and suck it up or stay here to die...” You took a breath and met his eyes, your lips not quite translating into the smile you were trying to force, “I'll manage..."

Tommy kept your attention for a few seconds longer, waiting for any signs of you wavering. You remained sure- or as sure as you could be and with a sigh he nodded before wiping a hand down his face, "Alright... let's do this..."

How this place hadn't been searched and raided was beyond your understanding. You'd thought it would have been more inconspicuous considering what it was used for. Even just from standing outside the front door, it was clear that this was no residency. The door was dilapidated, barely hanging onto its hinges with gauges taken out of the frame and yellow stained white paint chipping off onto the questionable carpet below.

You pulled a face at Tommy, one that caused one side of his lip to tug up knowingly.

"Don't worry. Ain't stayin' here long..." He said, reaching around you to open the partition up.

Half the floorboards had already been ripped up as you stepped inside with Tommy on your heels and the ones that remained in position creaked and bowed beneath your weight.

"You're late..." A man with ear length dark blonde hair and grey eyes stepped forward towards Tommy.

"Don't remember a specific time bein' agreed, Luke." Tommy replied, "Tess said evenin'. It's evenin'."

Who you now would assume to be Luke gestured around the room. It was then that you caught your first sight of Joel since March the previous year, tucked in the corner taking apart some kind of firearm. You clenched your jaw and quickly diverted your attention away, refusing to allow yourself to acknowledge his presence in the room. You didn't even allow your eyes to linger long enough to see his reaction- if he even had one, that was.

"She said sun set. That was two fucking hours ago when everyone else rocked up."

"Chill it, would you?" A woman's voice sounded from within what you guessed was once a bedroom, "He's here now, that's what matters."

Luke dragged his stern eyes from Tommy to give you a quick glance over, one that carried far too much judgement for your liking, before looking back to him, "Can she even shoot?"

You gave Tommy no opportunity to answer on your behalf. Already not liking this guys tone or mannerisms towards you, you snapped your eyes right up to him and tried to straighten your stance as much as you were capable off, "Yes. I can shoot."

It was clear that your tone didn't sit well with him, a sneer pulling across his face as you fumbled to catch the revolver tossed at you unexpectedly, "Try not to blow anyone's head off, sweetheart."

"Fuck sake, Luke." A woman with shoulder length black hair who appeared to be around your age stepped out the back room. A different voice to the one before, "Play nice. You don't even know her."

"Exactly... we don't know her."

And then another woman appeared, one perhaps in her early thirties who looked somewhat familiar to you, "No but Tommy and Joel do. I trust their judgement enough and so should you."

You tried to place her, your brows pinching ever so slightly as you studied her features. Long legs, tawny hair that cascaded down to her ribs all pushed back with a black bandana and those familiar hazel eyes framed by a mass of dark lashes.

A series of mini flashbacks strobed through your mind. Being held at gun point, helpless and alone. The metallic taste of blood warm on your tongue. Restrained in your seat. Thrown down and left vulnerable on the parking lot floor as all your belongings vanished into the distance... Your face fell slack and like a ghost your complexion turned ashen.

"Caroline."

Chapter Text

Open the bolt. Slide it back. Load the round. Close it up. Repeat. 

They would all be armed. That was the agreement. Three rifles and seven smaller revolvers shared between the group to set them all on their way. All in the hopes that it would be enough to get them from the tunnels, through the ominous shadows that shrouded the city and to the truck all in one piece. 

Joel's hand went for the next empty rifle that was stacked to his side, dragging it across the bench so that it laid before him, ready and waiting for him to repeat the process he'd already completed four times previously. 

Open. Slide. Load. Close. Repeat.

There was an anxiety that loomed within him. It prickly and foreboding whilst sitting heavy in his gut. An apprehension that had been born from something outside the anticipation of being faced with the cruelty of the outside world yet again, though if he fought with himself hard enough he perhaps could blame it on that.

His nimble fingers caused the bolt to clink in time with the front door, the slide of the part in rhythm with the creak of the partition opening and he felt his entire frame grow taut by reflex. He cursed himself mentally, watching his hands weakly tremble and he stopped the task at hand whilst willing them to steady.

There was no need for him to turn and see. The natural urge to do so was certainly there yet he still refrained. Just the way the footsteps sounded as they entered into the space, all light and cautious, were more than enough for him to know exactly who they belonged to. You. Them to be followed by a more sure and weighted foot just a second behind.

He wouldn't look at you. He couldn't bring himself to, not yet... Not without the distraction of danger to keep him grounded- if that was the right word for it...

The simple process of loading the gun now appeared skewed, his mind only half paying attention to the task at hand as the other part listened in on the sound of Luke's voice both gunning in on Tommy and then trying to patronise you. He snorted harshly in frustration, his lack of full awareness causing him to clip the bolt back shut before actually loading the rounds in.

It angered him, the way you could so easily throw him from his usual self assurance. How his palms became clammy and his throat knotted up. 

Penitence. Shame. The same two emotions that crashed over him like a tidal wave when he'd pulled the sheets back from you early that morning with a clearer head and then again the next day when Tommy had looked down on him with nothing but disgust. The same two emotions that he had repeatedly forced down over the past nine months, shoved down to sit with the guilt he still harboured for his late daughter. He couldn't acknowledge those feelings to be what they were, much the same as he couldn't accept the actions undertaken by him to cause them in the first place. 

It haunted him, the shape of his brothers lips forming in slow motion as he growled the word ra... he couldn't even think about the single syllable without feeling physically sick, without thinking about his Sarah and what she must think. So he stopped himself. He'd instead tell himself that it was just a lapse in judgment, a moment of madness... that he'd just gotten himself carried away with something he thought you'd wanted...

Despite what he repeatedly told himself, the small morsels remaining of his old persona - the loving father, the hard working and law abiding carpenter - refused to believe it... they refused to believe the excuses he'd create. Though, those remnants were never enough to pierce through that thickened skin to gain access to the light, them left to dim in a far away corner of his mind. It was all very much like his forced beliefs around Sarah's death, the ones he tried to pin onto you... A small part of him somewhere, not all that deep down, didn't believe a word of it...

He'd lie and say that you didn't cross his mind earlier that day when Luke shared his intel on the zones bleak looking future. It wasn't a fully formed thought, he'd not let it get that far but a glimpse of your bright jade eyes did blink within his head. 

Blurting the concern of your wellbeing out felt unnatural, like it wouldn't fit for the current situation he'd formed. He didn't like you. Hated you. That's what he told himself, what he told Tommy, what he hadn't outright said to you but certainly implied... What did come more fluently, before he actually even properly processed the words was his disscontempt of the suggestion that you come with them because of course if he wouldn't say it, Tommy sure as hell would. Tommy, the one who without even realising, had taken his place as your protector...

He didn't want you dead but he didn't want you here neither. Knowing that he'd no longer be able to avoid what he'd been running from, being forced to face it head on for every waking moment of his life for as long as the seven of you remained on the road. All he wanted was to leave you in the past. To forget the girl who almost managed to crawl into his heart under the guise of dark... For the memory of you and those quiet nights to be vaporised.

His ears pricked at the mention of his name spoken in Tess's voice, her wandering out of the back room to make an attempt at calming the rising friction.

Then you spoke, perhaps not for the first time since entering the apartment but it was the first instance where in which it registered within his consciousness. He frowned, eyes still locked onto the rifle in front. Caroline... What the fuck were you on about?

A perplexed quiet ascended down over the room for a few seconds. Even the pinch of his own brows didn't let up.

"Me?" He heard Tess ask, "Think you're getting mixed up with someone else."

"No." You said so surely, "I know who you are."

Joel could almost imagine the derision slapped across her face in that moment, looking at you as if you were deranged and then how her eyes would meet Tommy's and widen as if to say: Is she sane?

And perhaps you weren't, not anymore at least. You wouldn't be the first to lose their mind post outbreak and you sure as hell wouldn't be the last. He could hardly blame you.

But you seemed so adamant, so desperately sure of yourself and without peering back he could sense the whip of your head as you snapped around to Tommy.