Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

James' life was currently going to shit. He was living with his two best friends who were constantly shagging each other, so, for self preservation reasons he was never in the flat. Which meant he never slept more than four hours at a time. His university course was getting too much, why did no one warn him that a Masters degree was actually going to be difficult? He was dragging himself through this fucking degree tooth and nail, all whilst Sirius and Remus shagged themselves silly, and James was bored. Most of all, he was lonely.

Now James didn’t mind being on his own, he spoke so much to himself that he hardly noticed when someone was or wasn’t in the conversation with him, but after years of Sirius always just being there, it was a gruelling adjustment. Sirius and Remus deserved each other and by god did they deserve to fuck for hours on end but James felt… out of sorts. For once he wasn’t needed and he wasn’t good at not being needed.

He was considering running head on into traffic for something to spice his life back up or perhaps going to get some tea and knuckling down on his thesis which unfortunately wasn’t going anywhere. The thesis had been left alone for a month with the excuse that James was letting the information marinate into his skull before he had to regurgitate it back onto the page – unsurprisingly that hadn't worked and he was now a month behind the rest of his class. It wasn’t his fault alright, it was Sirus’. Well, and Remus’, he supposed he couldn’t blame one for the fuckfest taking over his flat and not the other. He was a liberal man and everyone could do with a decent amount of gay sex in their life, it keeps them from going insane after all, but if they could do their continuous sex far far away from him, that would be ideal.

He let his forehead hit the café table at an alarming rate and stayed there for a second to see If he’d been fortune enough to lose the remainder of his brain cells – he hadn’t been.

He stared at the separation of melted ice and lemon tea long enough to lose focus and considered whether it would be quicker to stop mulling over his thesis and actually start writing or whether he needed a fresh tea for that torture.

And then his phone vibrated. See, not his fault that he couldn't start work now, it could be a very important message. He was hoping it was from Sirius telling him it was safe to come back and sleep but alas, it wasn’t. He furrowed his eyebrows and tried to guess the lore behind the unknown number that was throwing a bitchfit at him.

{16:09}

Unknown: This is the reason I cant ever do more than just fuck you.

James: ???

Unknown: fuck off with your acting clueless shit. I cant believe you told your family that we were getting engaged, we weren’t even dating you fucking narcissist.

James: Uh? As much as I'd love to comment, you’ve got the wrong number, love.

Unknown: Don’t call me love, you fucking weirdo

The first smile of the week broke out across James face. He was, after all, nothing if not a masochist. Perfect, some excitement was filtering back into his life. He would find time to write the first chapter of his thesis later, this was clearly much more important.

James: feisty much?

Unknown: feisty? What are you, a fifty year old man?

James: fifty? Nope, but I can be whatever age you are

Unknown:… as if that isn't the fucking creepiest thing a stranger has ever messaged me. Seriously, fuck off.

James: Wait. Wait no, are you a minor then? I just figured from your ‘engagement’ that you were a little older?

Unknown: Older than what? Your fifty year old self?

James: Older than a minor, you tosser.

Unknown: Go away.

*Not* that its any of your business but I'm 24.

James: im 26!!!!!

Unknown: right and I care because?

James: we should be friends (:

Unknown: No.

James sighed and stared at his phone screen. God, it’s not as if he wants a best friend, he already has two, he just wanted some entertainment for a few minutes. Frowning, he opened his beat up old MacBook that Remus took the piss out of him for buying when they started university together, something about him being the perfect outline of a capitalist, which was rude because James will have him know that he's sucked enough cock in his twenty six years to be anything other than a conservative, thank you very much. And anyways, Remus was too busy shagging on their kitchen table to study so who’s really the loser here? Fuck. It was still James wasn’t it?

He miserably started typing words. James figured if he could type enough about this one topic, currently being, the fearmongering tactics of modern American political figures in the run up to the 2003 Iraq war, then at some point he would gather enough words to string together some kind of sentence. After he meticulously typed the sixth word, he sat back and took a sip of tea, this was useless. He was useless.

James was good at this – spiralling. Sometimes he thought it might be the only thing he was actually good at, apart from flirting to get free drinks at the bar, he was really good at that. But could he even take credit for that? When he really examined it, his parents gave him his looks therefore, they were responsible for getting James free drinks at bars. So, he was back to square one, he was only good at being useless.

Who the fuck even chooses to study Political History as their masters degree? James did, that’s who. He was beginning to feel as if he should quit. Drop everything and run off to… France maybe? Seems ideal, not too far if he decided running wasn’t for him and plus, if Sirius ever stopped fucking Remus for more than half a second, he might realise James was missing and come and find him. Sirius was French, he would know where to find James. Or maybe not and James would die alone, rightfully so, he thought.

He bit down on his bottom lip and dramatically shut his laptop which left him staring at the few other university students that were studying in this cramped little coffee shop. It was the type of shop that a tourist might describe as a 'mysterious little hole in the wall', in reality it was ridiculously small and almost functionally stunted but the tea was cheap and the waiter was really nice. Fine. Maybe James thought the waiter was incredibly sexy and good enough to devour. And fine. Perhaps that’s why James walked forty seven minutes out of campus and past nine perfectly good cafes to end up here. But that’s beside the point, he hardly even looked at the man that was oozing pure sex, he had a thesis to write after all. The waiter caught James eye as they both glanced at who was in the café, James wanted to lick this man from the thigh up to the side of his throat. He shifted in his seat and tore his gaze away, he would not get fucking hard at the sight of an attractive man. What was wrong with him? Maybe phone person was right, maybe he was creepy.

His phone buzzed and he dropped it screen down on the wooden floor, he was flustered and would desperately like to try an avoid a very awkward hard-on while a literal sex god was mere metres away. He turned his head to see if the hot waiter was watching but by some heavenly intervention he was looking at his own phone instead. Wincing, James lifted it slowly off the floor, back into his harder-than-necessary grip, and glanced at the screen.

{16:43}

Unknown: I can feel you overthinking that interaction. Shut up

James: I didn’t even say anything!!!

But hi, Im so glad you’ve come back!

Unknown: You didn’t have to. If this is what you're like over the phone, I dread to think what you're like in person. I feel sorry for your friends.

James: ):

Unknown: For fucksake, I'm sorry.

I am not in the best of moods today, it isn't your fault.

James: Apology accepted! :D

Do you want to talk about the engagement situ

Unknown: Not really – Someone important to me fucked up. 

James: Sounds a bit of a prick to me.

Unknown: He isn’t. Don’t talk about things you don’t understand.

James: I was just trying to help

Unknown: Fuck off.

James: …

A loud noise sounded behind him and James jumped, turning his head to look at the what had happened, he saw hot waiter had slammed his phone down next to the till. Their eyes met and he narrowed his at James, James didn’t mind, he was just glad that he was being looked at. He smiled at hot waiters’ very pretty face, and turned back to his shut laptop.

Fuck it, he thought and crammed his laptop into the rucksack that he hadn't been emptied all year and so was full of miscellaneous paperwork, a pot of chewing gum, probably a mouldy apple, and he thinks, one rouge air pod. He doesn’t know for certain and he sure as hell isn't putting his hand that far into his bag.

As he drunk the remaining dregs of his tea, he waved at the hot waiter and let his eyes linger perhaps a minute too long, before popping the glass into the glass cleaner tray round the side of the coffee machine; where the public weren't really suppose to be but, look, James is just trying to be helpful and his hot waiter hadn't told him off yet. Not that he'd mind, being told off that is. He groaned internally, he really needed to get fucked, hard. He marched out of the café, and stepped out into the street with a determination to go home. He was going to put his over-ear headphones on and get some much needed sleep. Who cares if he would wake up with a stiff neck. He just needed some bloody sleep.

{19:51}

James: If I get home and my door is locked from the inside with the keys still in again, so that my housemates can fuck until the brink of death, I will stab a bitch.

{read}

James sighed and stuffed his phone into his pocket, which he did have to admit, had an incredible amount of space. His trousers were dark coloured loose corduroys with, what he can now confirm to be, pockets for days. He may be useless but he knows fashion.

Realistically he knew he should call his mum back. He’d been dodging her calls for weeks and he hadn't a good enough excuse, he loved his mum, really he did, they were like best friends – or as best friend like as you can get with someone that is also the rule enforcer. He was feeling useless and his mum would know and she would tell Sirius and then James would get everyone worrying for no reason, see? Useless. So he put it on his mental ‘to do when feeling normal’ list and shoved it into the deep dark depths of his mind.

The walk back to his flat was always too long. It didn’t help that he’d walked almost an hour out of the city to see his hot waiter. Walking there was okay because he had the motivation of eye candy but walking home was long and it was boring. Alright fine. He could admit it, he missed Sirius. He was incredibly happy for Remus and Sirius but he missed laying in Sirius’s bed while Sirius braided what he could of James hair and he missed sitting with his legs across Remus on the balcony talking about the mysterious inner workings of Sirius Black. He was happy for them, of course he was, but he missed being actively loved too and he knew he was being dramatic, that once they’d fucked all the missed years out of their systems, they’d love him back again. But for some reason, that didn’t make him feel any better.  

When his bright red front door came into view, something Sirius had begged him to do when they first moved in, he’d said it would ‘give them originality’ to which James had rolled his eyes hard but then gotten up early to surprise Sirius with paint the next morning, he left out a breath of stagnant air. Thinking about getting a decent sleep motivated him enough to extract his house keys from his bag. Praying to a god he didn’t even believe in, he pushed his key into the door and twisted it, it jammed. James rested his head on the door, exhausted tears stung the corners of his eyes, and he kicked at the bottom of it hard enough to bruise his toes. Then a sleep induced anxiety wrapped its hands around James throat and squeezed, squeezed, squeezed. He lifted his hands and slammed his fists on the door much like, he imagined, an axe wielding manic would.

The door flew open and a dishevelled Sirius stood on the other side, “Fucking hell James, what's going on?”

“Let me in! Let me in. Oh god. Please I need to sleep. Stop touching Remus, please, let me sleep” James begged, and okay, so maybe James was losing his sanity slightly.

Eyes widening half with amusement and half with concern, Sirius pulled open the door further so that James could fit inside. James noted that Sirius was wearing one of Remus’ shirts and it was buttoned at an angle that was very precarious. He reached out to gently touch James and James stepped sideways to avoid it. Sirius looked at him hard for a minute,

“James, what is going on? Are you upset with me?” Sirius worried his bottom lip between his teeth and looked James up and down, as if he was fully seeing him for the first time in months.

“No. I told you. I’m really fucking tired” James twisted his upped body slightly so he could talk to Sirius whilst still walking to his room, “I'll put my big headphones on, just, please be a little quiet”

Sirius looked like he wanted to say more but James walked into his room and pushed the door shut with his foot. He just needed peace and fucking quiet okay? Sinking to the floor, he put both hands palm down on the carpet, see, he was real. He knew this because he could feel the texture of the carpet between his fingers. He lent his head back against the wall and inhaled deeply, see, he could breathe on his own, he wasn’t really dying, not physically anyways.

His phone buzzed

{22:12}

Unknown: So? Are you a murderer now?

James huffed out a laugh and closed his eyes tightly for a second as relief ran down his spine. A distraction, just what he needed.

James: Almost.

No, luckily they opened the door with mere seconds of their life to spare.

Unknown: Aw. You were almost hot in my mind then. That’s a shame. You’re back to being a fifty year old man with rotted teeth.

James rolled his eyes and grinned. He could work with this, mean flirting. Perfect, it was after all, James’ preferred method of being flirted with. Suddenly the useless panic didn’t feel quite so pressure-cooking-his-skull-until-he-died. He didn’t want to say that he was attracted to a stranger who he didn’t even know the name of but… well he was nothing if not a stupid man.

Chapter Text

By the time James had finally convinced himself that he needed to leave his room, all signs of Sirius and Remus had entirely vanished. He had come to a stand still in the hallway as the fleeting thought of them having had enough of him and leaving him entirely, passed across his mind and he bit down hard on his bottom lip. He knew that they hadn’t really left but how far from the truth was that thought? He was annoying and he was a lot of work to be around. If he could leave himself then he would already be halfway across the world with a new phone number in hand.

He switched the kettle on and lent against the wooden cabinets in their small kitchen as he tried to organise the day into some kind of mental list. He must get started on his thesis, that was incredibly important and he knew that, but none of the words wanted to leave his brain and his fingers already ached with the thought of typing so much. Honestly, he could not be arsed. Anxiety hung low in his gut and began the awful incline through his stomach and around his throat. Okay fine. He would go and do some university work. And, if he was going to go and do something that he didn’t enjoy, he may as well do something he did – being around a very specific attractive waiter. Look, he wasn’t being creepy because he also thoroughly enjoyed their lemon tea. So really, he was going because he liked the tea they served, not for his waiter, right?

Rolling his eyes at himself, he jammed his laptop into his rucksack. He needed some new pins for it, it was looking incredibly worn out but so did he, so maybe it was fitting. Sirius had recently replaced the laces on James’s beloved converse with elastic laces, he’d replaced all his own laces too because Remus had joint problems and so he used elastic laces for ease and Sirius didn’t want him to feel left out. Which reasonably, James knew that was a rather sweet thing to do, but unreasonably, he was a little annoyed. He liked his laces, ratty as they were, he liked the familiarity of them and the way they fit his feet. Selfish. He was being selfish again. Guilt rolled through his veins and settled heavily in his spine.

The walk wasn’t as long today, the sun was out, and James had been stuck in his mind for the majority of it. As he past a store window he realised that he looked quite a mess, he was wearing Remus’ jumper, so the arms covered his hands. It wasn’t as if Remus was any taller than James but he did buy his clothes so that they fit loose, and James tended not to. He had once again forgotten to run a brush through his hair, so it looked as if he had had rough morning sex or been dragged, by his feet, through a bush in his garden. Whatever.

For once in his life, he looked at the front of his favourite little café, really looked. The sign was lit up with what looked like fairy lights encased in a plastic coating that spelt out the word ‘IRISES’. If his mum was there right now, she would have told him that the name Iris was derived from the Greek word for rainbow, that they symbolised hope and wisdom. But she was not there, he wished she was. He missed her a lot. He should call her. The door swung open, and a very attractive man was grinning straight at James,

‘Are you coming inside pretty boy? Or are you just going to keep staring at the sign?’ Mystery man raised his eyebrows and ran his eyes down the length of James’ body.

James blushed, he hated being perceived, even if it was by a very attractive person. He sighed internally, was this café some kind of hot-man-magnet. Had he missed the memo?

‘Uh yeah’ James coughed. He stepped into the familiar warmth and found himself searching for the familiar face of his hot waiter. Disappointment surged through him when he couldn’t find him immediately. He thanked the other hot man and took his place in the queue.

He waited his turn patiently. Taking his phone out of his pocket, he found his reflection staring straight back at himself from the blank screen and frowned, until he remembered that he hadn't charged it last night. Fuck. Someone cleared their throat and James looked up, right into another attractive mans face, he searched his expression as if it might have whatever he had been asked, but accidentally ignored, upon it.

‘What can I get for you, love?’ He smirked as if he was pleased that James was confused.

James wanted to pout like a child. Where was his hot waiter, who was this seeming imposter. For a split second he considered simply walking back out and going home but his mind nagged him that he desperately needed to get writing. Well, it was inside his mind, but it did also sound concerningly like Remus.

‘Lemon tea, please’ James briefly considered stomping his foot as his fingers grasped the last of the spare change he had laying around in his pockets, he held the money out. Attractive man stuffed the money in the till, barely breaking eye contact with him. James shifted.

He meticulously watched his tea getting made, it helped that the new man seemed particularly biteable as well. He watched the way the mans hands wrapped around the cup and the way his tongue flicked out to adjust his lip ring. Holy shit. He was gorgeous. James could see an endless sea of tattoos peering out from his shirt at his hands and his throat. He was a little shorter than James but he gave the impression that he was a thousand feet tall and James would, in fact, drop to his knees, mouth open, if asked to. His tongue pressed against the inside of his teeth. He hoped this man would spit in his tea. or in his mouth.

A loud clattering sounded behind the man and James jumped out of his skin. The man behind the counter had a predatory grin on his face as if he knew exactly what James was thinking.

‘Barty, are you fucking kidding me?’, a voice sounded out from the back room, drifting and morphing into the original hot man, the one at the door of the café, as he stepped out of the room and into view, his voice was verging on hysterical,  ‘Regulus will slice my balls off when he finds out that I’ve just smashed seven of his favourite glasses, all because you decided to stack them five high in the dishwasher’

Barty winked at James and spun on his heel to face the other man, ‘Evan, babe, you know I can’t be trusted to clean up, its boring, I lose focus’ his hands reached out to brush the back of Evans. James couldn’t see Barty's face but whatever was on it broke the resolve on the other mans.

‘I’ll go sweep up,’ Barty said sweetly, ‘Would you give this lemon tea, to the very handsome man, please’

Evans eyebrows shot up, ‘Lemon tea’ he repeated slowly, his eyes already sweeping past the few other customers waiting, to land on James, ‘Interesting’

‘Isn’t it just’ Barty grinned, addressing something that clearly James wasn’t in on. His heart jumped and he felt odd. Like he simultaneously did and didn’t belong there in that moment during whatever passed between the two men.

Evan bent slowly over the counter, pushing James’s tea towards him, his upper body following the path of the cup. He was assessing James. He could feel Evan waiting, allowing James to make the next move. James suddenly felt like he was playing a game that he didn’t understand. James’s eyes flickered to an old woman that was watching the exchange with a frown on her face, he reached forward and carefully took the tea, his hand brushed against Evans’ and all of a sudden James’ focus narrowed down to that one second, that one movement. He was practically jumping out of his skin, he wanted to run his teeth down the side of Evans’ jaw, to bite down hard on his shoulder and taste blood, he wanted listen to the sounds Evan would make in return. What the fuck was wrong with him. He needed serious medical attention, he swore, perhaps he needed heavy sedation and then someone could commit vehicular manslaughter against him.

He spilt tea all over himself and the counter as he jerked his hand backwards. He could feel his entire face and neck flushing scarlet. He needed to get out of this. Nodding a quick ‘thanks for making the tea, sorry I eyefucked you’, to Evan, he hastily took his seat.

James refused to take his eyes off his laptop, well, if that little scene wasn’t going to motivate him to write his thesis and then bury himself alive, nothing would. He opened Microsoft word with every intention in the world to start. Then James’ foot caught the strap of his bag, as he stretched his legs out in front of himself, and it flung itself and most of its contents, across the floor towards the till.

He briefly closed his eyes in exasperation. Maybe this was a sign from the universe, maybe he was never supposed to write his thesis. Or maybe he was simply a clumsy idiot. As James stood up, Barty jumped the counter. He. Jumped. The. Counter. James used every single inch of will power not to drool. What was happening to him. He needed to go to a new café, he was too into fucking men for this café to be relaxing anymore. His nerves were fried.

The look on Bartys’ face was nothing short of predatory as he held James’ rucksack out towards his frozen body. Right. Yes, of course, his bag, that’s why he was stood up. With only the slightest tremor in his hands he reached out and took back his bag, desperately trying to look anywhere else other than Bartys’ throat. It was the tattoos. Definitely the tattoos, not James’ ungodly urge to sink his teeth into him. Someone sniggered behind Barty and James jumped, his eyes landed on Evan behind the counter. James ran his hand through his hair and simultaneously tried to pull himself together. God. Men should not be allowed to be this gorgeous. What the actual fuck.

He lent down to collect all his belongings that were now scattered in a neat pathway from himself to Bartys’ feet. Maybe he could follow the path, on his hands and knees. His hand wrapped around a charger and he could hear Remus screeching in his head to put the charger away and start his thesis but, well, James’ was a man of faith and he dare say that his charger wouldn’t have presented itself like this if he wasn’t supposed to then use it. So, he took his seat, missed it slightly, and sat on the arm of the chair at an awkward angle, he was still flustered alright, cut him some slack.

With his arse aching, he plugged his phone into the charger that he had forgotten he’d ever put in his bag. And waited. He could potentially start writing whilst he waited but, he needed some breathing time, he felt slightly like he was in the lions den. He needed to get fucked. Maybe Marlene would go get a concerning level of drunk with him at the weekend, he made a mental note to ask her, she was the best wing-woman in the history of wing-women. Even compared to Sirius, and by god, Sirius was good. Marlene was great though, if helping James to pick up attractive men at bars was an Olympic sport, then Marlene would win gold.

His mind flickered back to his parents. His mother was so much more than he deserved and his father was everything and more, than he could have ever asked for. He had an odd relationship with feeling like he deserved anything. If he was talking about someone else then he didn’t believe that anyone had to work to deserve love or kindness in this life, that should just be something that is given freely. He wasn’t naïve, he knew that it was not given freely but it wasn’t something that he believed people should have to work for. When it came to himself however, he did. He thought that deep down he was inherently bad, that whatever his past life consisted of, it was ugly and cruel, and it was still apart of his soul. He couldn’t explain it to a point that made sense, it was just a feeling. He was atoning for something he had done in a previous life and there wasn’t more to it than that. He would live the consequences because he felt he deserved to. For himself, the consequences were being trapped in his mind, he didn’t deserve to receive help and that is all it boiled down to in the end. He was the epitome of a bad dog.

As he took a sip of the slightly-cold tea, his phone came back to life. The screen lit up and a few notifications popped up which perked James’ interest. Two were old emails he hadn’t yet replied to and as he swiped them clear, he knew he would forget about them once again until the next time his phone died. One was an ‘I love you’ text from Sirius, and one from Remus asking if he needed help getting started on his thesis. Which he did. But, he didn’t want to put Remus out, he had plenty of his own work, so James politely refused and changed the subject to whether they were having Friday night beer night this week or not. He typed an ‘I love YOU’ back to Sirius, accompanied by an unhinged amount of kisses. Then he clicked on the number without a name. A smile slowly spread across his mouth.

{10:01}

James: Hi babe, how are you today?

He hummed to himself and turned back to his laptop. He started on the next chapter of his thesis, far more merrier than someone that had just messaged a random number, should be. He was a least nine sentences into his chapter on the Bush administration and how they used fearmongering tactics to build a campaign for the Iraq war, similar to that of Cold-War Presidents, when his phone buzzed.

{10:32}

Unknown: don’t use pet names on me. We don’t know each other, its weird.

James: we should get to know each other, then its no longer weird!

Unknown: that’s not how it works.

James: fine let me rephrase

Hello Mr. Unknown number, how are you on this fine October day?

Unknown: I'm fine, thank you.

James: I'm glad! Did you sleep well?

Unknown: Yeah, not bad, I have the day off work today so its been nice.

James: That’s so great! I’m trying (failing) to write my thesis

Unknown: I don’t remember asking

James: I know you wanted to ask really, love.

It's on how the Bush administration utilised the terror attacks to build a campaign forcing people into a war. It's actually really interesting, I hate writing, I love the topic though.

Unknown: I desperately want to ignore you

James: no you don’t!

Want to know about the REALLY hot men at this café?

Unknown: If I have to

James: Ok so. Normally, when I come here, there is the most attractive man you have ever seen in your life, that works here. But today when I got in, there were two other members of staff that I hadn’t met before, which I originally thought was bizarre because this café is rather small – I thought two members of staff was a bit overkill. Anyways. One of them is COVERED in tattoos and he is just delicious. And the other is blond with eyebrow piercings and, you guessed it, he’s also edible. I'm suffering quite a lot.

Unknown: Sounds like you’re in for a treat, you’ll have to tell all your friends later, they can help decide whether you’re an attractive enough women to pursue them, I expect.

James: What

I’m not a woman. Not that that’s an issue, I kind of wish I was. But, I'm not. So I cant imagine I’m very attractive in comparison to a women. Although my friend, Dora, tells me that I am a very pretty looking guy. So, take it as you will.

Unknown: You’re gay?

James: Well. Bisexual. Why? Is that a problem?

Unknown: Oh. I don’t know

James: Oh. Right.

He shoved his phone back into his rucksack, ripping the charger out of the socket at the same time. He didn’t need someone to throw a homophobic fit about his sexuality, thank you very much. Perhaps that’s what he gets for talking to a random number. Thinking on it, it was a really odd thing to do, messaging someone that clearly didn’t want to talk to him. James blushed in embarrassment for himself and defensively crossed his arms over his body. He was so fucking weird. This was why no one could spend too much time with him, understandably so, he thought.

He drunk his lemon tea in silence. The majority of tables in here were full, either with old couples or, there were a few tables that had three university students crammed together with their laptops pressed into each others so that they could remain on the same table. The more he stared, the more he realised he was the only one alone. Alone. He was alone.

His skin started to crawl around his body and he tapped his fingertips against the table to try and relieve some of the pressure. He was always the one that didn’t quite fit in. He made his friends off of Sirius and even sometimes Remus, there wasn’t one friend that he had, that he hadn’t essentially nicked from the others. That’s because he wasn’t very likeable. The audacity he had as well, to feel like this when he had a picture perfect upbringing. What a selfish git he was. Sirius was abandoned at fifteen, James didn’t know the whole story and Sirius never told him. Effie and Fleamont, James' parents, fostered him very quickly after he went into the care system. Effie was a social worker at the time and had a son, Sirius’ age, she allegedly knew the first time she met Sirius that he was part of their family. As the story goes, James had been almost inseparable from him ever since.

Remus went through daily struggles since he’d been brutally attacked by a group of older boys on his way home from school at the age of ten. Gang culture, was all Remus would allude to with James and James could respect that, it was not his right to know. What hardship had James suffered? Being a wealthy, incredibly loved, and very well educated, son. He hadn’t known cruelness like his best friends had. It didn’t matter how close they all were, he would never be able to understand them like they understood each other. And that terrified him. Especially now they’re together, they would soon realise that James was as useful as a dead pigeon. They wouldn’t need him anymore. They didn’t need him. He was alone. He deserved to be alone.

He finished up his chapter sighing, he knew he would have to go back through the whole thing to edit the grammar. For now, this was enough, he’d even put some effort into it. He thought he may as well go home if he was going to waste his time moping. So, he packed up his laptop and gathered his tea cup and saucer and walked behind the coffee machine to place them in the glass cleaner. As he reached his arms out with the cup, someone gently took it from him, His eyes snapped up.

‘Oh. Thank you,’ James softly said. All apprehension at the attractive waiters had flooded out of his body after his text exchange.

Evan gave, what looked to be, a genuine smile ‘It’s not a problem, hopefully, I’ll see you around’

James held eye contact longer than was heterosexually acceptable and nodded once. He hoped he’d see Evan around too. Maybe at the weekend when James was drunk enough to forget his vendetta against himself, where he would be free enough from his own mind to push Evan against the wall of a bathroom stall and show him just how good he was at having a cock fucked into his throat. He could be good. Maybe he’d be able to prove that to Evan. Fuck. Why wait till the weekend. James was well versed at dropping to his knees, he could do it anywhere, especially a café kitchen floor.

Evan stepped forward slightly. Barty swung the door open directly onto James’ spine and he was flung forward so hard that he smashed awkwardly into Evan. James blushed, desperately trying to take a step back from the momentum.

‘Hope I wasn’t interrupting!’ Barty raised his eyebrows and threw a biting smirk at Evan, ‘Thanks for bringing your cup back here, love, I really appreciate it. I hate tidying the bloody tables. No one told me that was part of the job when I took it’

Evan rolled his eyes, stepping back from James and staring at Barty, his tone was venomous, ‘You’ve never once in your life tidied up anything’

‘Not everything has to be tidied babe, there’s beauty in some messes, in unconventionalities’ Barty bit back. James felt like he was in a boxing ring. Their words were circling each other in a way he didn’t understand.  

James smiled slightly at both men and opened the door that had probably given him a non-recoverable spinal injury because fuck. It hurt. He raised his hand in a half wave and, he wouldn’t say he bolted per se, but he did walk with a purpose and fast speed out of the café. He needed to check himself into a vets because he was acting like an animal in heat. Ideally, someone needed to put James down. With an unrecoverable amount of ketamine and not down on his knees, to clarify. Fuck fuck fuck. He needed a very cold shower.

--

{23:09}

Unknown: It isn’t. A problem that you’re bisexual. I’m sorry

{01:47}

Unknown: I hope you dream well.

Chapter Text

{04:39}

James: it’s okay. Thank you for apologising (:

how are you??

As he sent the messages, he flung the covers off of his too hot legs. His skin tightened against his body, he tried to shake sleep from himself quickly, before the panic had time to really take hold. This was stage one. He sat up and scratched deep grooves into his thighs. God. He needed to ground himself and he needed to do it quickly. He was gasping for breath like a dying man dragged under the surface of the ocean against his will. His hands started to swing out, trying to grab something, anything and his breath hitched into the beginnings of a scream. Ironic really, that he couldn’t breathe but he could scream.

His door swung open, and Sirius surged forward into the room, ‘Hey, it’s okay, it’s okay’, he murmured slightly frantically as he laid his hands on either side of James face.

James was dying.

His breath was ripped out of his lungs before it could fully form. He was on fire.

‘James,’ Sirius sternly held his face and kicked on his lamp, ‘Look at me, you’re okay, it is not real’

Sirius’s fingers remained a constant pressure on the side of James face. His breathing was strong and apparent against James’s face, he was waiting for James to latch onto it, to repeat the breathing pattern back to him.

This happened a lot. The night terrors. They’d lay in wait until James was sure he’d seen the last of them, until he was comfortable enough to sleep without the lamp on. He was twenty-six for Christ’s sake. And then they would strike, fast, where it hurt the most.

As his breathing returned slightly, he wrapped his shaking arms around Sirius’s body. This was stage two. He needed physical contact, to know he wasn’t alone. He was exhausted. He needed this. He needed Sirius. And Sirius let him, he swung his legs up into James’s bed and let James crawl on top of him and hold him like a koala would. He ran his hands through James’s hair slowly, methodically. They stayed like that for an hour or so, until the sun rose. James didn’t ever close his curtains, he was petrified of the dark, when the sun rose so did he.

As the light shone in and lit up the dark corners of the room, reality began to creep past the safety of Sirius. This was stage three. Humiliation. James peeled himself off of Sirius’s body and laid his head down on the pillow, he turned to face Sirius. Unsure if he could handle direct eye contact, his eyes flickered just past Sirius and onto the crystal swirls of the morning sun, reflected off the glass of his candles.

‘James’, Sirius said carefully, as if talking to a caged animal. His eyebrows knitted together, making his face look sharper than it normally did, ‘Why didn’t you tell me it was happening again?’

James coughed to help cover up the lie that followed, ‘This was the first time in over a year that it’s happened, I didn’t know Sirius’

Sirius’s mouth closed as he pulled his lips into a thin line, that was James caught in the lie. But surprisingly, Sirius gritted his teeth and nodded once at James, ‘You know I love you, don’t you? That you are my priority, whether I’m in a relationship with Remus, or not’

Sirius flushed a beautiful soft pink when he said Remus’s name. James stared for a minute, half in awe at how someone could love that thoroughly, and half in monstrous jealousy.

He wanted it.

‘I know. I love you,’ James let out a shaky breath and met Sirius’s eyes, ‘I really do love you.’

His attention was ripped away from Sirius as his phone buzzed, loudly in the serene quiet of the morning.

{06:58}

Unknown: Morning, I’m okay, heading into work and I thought you would like to know that I passed two dogs this morning and an orange butterfly.

I tried to get a picture of the butterfly to show you proof but she would not stay still so it’s just a blurred mess.

James practically vibrated out of his body. Well, wasn’t someone in a good mood? This was, in James’s opinion, divine balance. It’s how the universe worked, give and take. James had had an utterly shit morning and his phone person had had a lovely one. Like he’d said, give and take.

Sirius flicked his eyes over James’ face and smiled at whatever it was that he found laid there, ‘Who on earth is messaging you before seven in the morning’

‘Oh, Well. I don’t know their name,’ James clicked his tongue as he thought of how to simultaneously explain this and reply to his message, he’d never been great at multi-tasking, ‘but they’re cool. We haven’t been texting for long, don’t worry, I’m not hiding anything from you’

Sirius’ eyes flashed at that because James was hiding something. Sirius knew he was. He was a little shit. He was always hiding himself at arm’s length, always, even from Sirius. Especially from Sirius, ever since he’d gotten together with Remus. But James was too busy typing a reply to have seen the reaction.

{07:04}

James: Some dogs! Oh, tell me about them? What were their names?

I’m still in bed. So, I don’t have anything exciting to share. Maybe I could send you updates through the day though?

Sirius’s hand ran lightly down James’s arm and he rolled sideways, tucking his face into James’s neck and closed his eyes. He liked being close to James, he felt like home.

Unknown: One was a golden retriever called Jamie, and one was a little dachshund called Frank. They were both very cute and I managed to pat them both on the head.

Sure, update away (:

James: That’s my name!

Unknown: Jamie or Frank?

James: Jamie!

Unknown: Thank God. I was worried you’d say Frank and then I really would have to ignore what you say and settle on the fact you actually are fifty.

But hey, I’m Reg.

James: Hey Reg (: it’s so lovely to meet you

Reg: See, you go and make it weird again.

James had a big, gigantic grin plastered across his face. This was progress. He felt calmer than he deserved to feel following a night like the one he had just had. Sirius was lightly snoring against James’s skin, his leg thrown over James.

The door of his room creaked open wider, and a head popped around the door. Remus materialised holding a tray with three cups of tea on it. He placed them gently, in only a way Remus could, and sat level with the two boys’ chests. His eyes found Sirius’s face and he smiled softly, love practically radiated off of him. His eyes shifted to James’s face, and he grimaced, eyes still full of love, just a different kind.

And there was the problem. A different kind of love.  

‘I’m sorry it’s happening again,’ Remus almost whispered, to allow Sirius to carry on sleeping, ‘You can tell us, you know? We want to help you, we love you a whole lot, you don’t always have to face it alone.’

James’s eyes drifted away from Remus as shame burned through him. We. We, we, we. Because Sirius and Remus were a team separate from James now. That's just how it was. Yet, Remus still had to walk into James room to his boyfriend laid all over James. Because at twenty-six he couldn’t face a nightmare alone. He couldn’t understand why Remus was unbothered by this, why he loved James despite it. In spite of it.

‘I know,’ James closed his eyes as he answered as if it would hide him from the light of day. He did know. He wanted to say more. To apologise. To tell Remus he loved him back, but his words had been caged in at the base of his throat. He felt Remus lean forward briefly and squeeze James’s hand. James did his best not to flinch away.

{07:56}

Reg: It’s nice to meet you too, Jamie

He cracked his left eye open to read the message and momentarily held the phone to his chest. A pleasant warmth flickered inside. He threw arms around Sirius and hugged him tight for a minute. Sirius came to, groggily, and kissed his forehead in response before he laid his eyes on Remus. He grinned and kept his arms around James as he kicked his legs up and wrapped them around Remus’s waist, forcing him to half lay, half hover over the two of them. James allowed himself three minutes of this, no more, no less, and then he pushed his way out from under the Sirius-Remus pile and headed towards the shower. He needed to give the two of them a break from him. He was going to head to his café for the morning, maybe even treat himself to a slice of cake.

{09:01}

James: Update one – I’m about to go into a very pretty little café to get some tea and maybe even a treat!! I haven’t picked which one yet but when I do, I will be sure to let you know

Reg: If they have marmalade and honey cake get that, we sell it in the place I work, and it is delicious.

James: Noted!!!

He let a huff of cold air out as he pushed the door to Irises open. The warmth smacked him in the face and brought a haze of red across his nose and cheeks. He locked eyes with the man behind the till and smiled in relief. Thank God. His waiter was back.

James looked around as he made his way to the counter and realised apart from a little old women sat in the far corner; he was the only other customer. He took his bag and coat off and dumped them onto the table by the window that he specifically liked. Mainly so that he could be nosy and stare out of it instead of working but, really, who was keeping tabs?

‘Lemon tea, right?’ His waiter asked, not unkindly, ‘anything else I can get for you?’

James scanned the cake section, as quick as his mind would let him, and was relieved to find some marmalade cake lying in wait for him, ‘Yes please, and some of your marmalade cake, please’

The waiter nodded. He was slower this morning than usual, probably due to the lack of a queue behind James. He picked out a very pretty plate to lay the cake on, almost as pretty as himself. Almost. James indulged himself because he was in a good mood and felt like he could just this once. He allowed himself to look, really look, at his hot waiter.

If James looked up pretty in a dictionary, he would find this man as the description. His face was flushed from the heat of the coffee machine, he was all sharp lines, and delicate movement. And his hair. God. James wanted to bury his hands in the contained mess of black curls and never move them. He wanted to stare at him all day, without interruption, this man needed to be in an art gallery, he deserved to have people looking at him. Erase the image of a Greek sculpture from history, this man would be the cut out of comparative beauty for centuries to come. The waiters’ eyes flickered up as if he could feel the weight of James’s stare. Oh. Oh. He was so pretty. He raised his eyebrows and James tore his eyes away. He felt like he wasn’t in his body. Oh. Why was he so pretty. He was designed specifically to torment James.

James felt disconnected. He’d never be allowed to have something, no, someone like that. All sharp edges and soft touches. He should not be allowed to want like he is right now. Because God, he wanted. He wanted, he wanted, he wanted.

Tough shit. He couldn’t have. He didn’t deserve to have, his brain supplied helpfully.

James’s heart sunk; shame had begun to snap at his heels. This was his atonement, the wanting and the never having. It was endless. He was in an endless spiral. He ached. He ached to bring this man flowers and watch as a smile lit up his face, he wanted to learn everything there was to learn. What his favourite flowers even were. How did he take his tea, his coffee? Did he like early mornings like James did?

He wanted. James wanted to go home to someone for once. He was tired. Always so tired. It’s just. Okay look, it’s like this, he wanted someone to hold his hand for the sake of touching him. He wanted someone to want him because they liked spending time with him. There he goes, wanting again. He needs to get it in his thick skull. He. Could. Not. Fucking. Have.

He was snapped back into reality when the waiter coughed gently. His tea was waiting in front of him, it looked as if it had been there for several unsupervised minutes. Which, God, meant that James had been staring at his waiter without the excuse of a reason.

James’s eyes widened and he blushed with apology, but his waiter was staring back with a soft smile, turned up carefully at the edges.

‘You’re so pretty,’ James gasped out like a dying man. He may not be dying but he was a dead man walking. He froze. And then all at once he realised what he’d done. He blushed the whole way down to his toes, ‘I- I mean, no. I just. It’s just that. I didn’t mean to say that. Well, uh. No, I did. Just not- uh well’

The waiter was full on grinning now, ‘Well thank you, you’re not so bad yourself’

James’s mouth fell open slightly. Oh. Oh, he was so lovely. Pretty, pretty, pretty. James wanted to reach out and hold his face carefully between his hands and simply stare at him for hours. God.

The door chimed as someone else walked in. James jumped so hard, that had the ceiling been two feet lower, he would have smashed his head. He dropped his eyes from the waiter’s face and saw a cup waiting alone on the counter. How funny, a lone cup, perhaps it was symbolic of James. James thought the tea must be cold, it was a shame that whoever’s it was, had seemingly abandoned it. He looked at it a little longer, a little harder. Was that… was that lemon tea? Wait. Fuck. That was his tea, wasn’t it?

He jolted into action and accidentally jerked the teacup off of his saucer, grabbing it by the side of the cup. It was burning him. He grabbed the saucer separately and flung his body as quickly as he could in the chair by the window. The one he liked to look out of. What the fuck was happening to him. Seriously, he needed to consider swapping cafes for his own wellbeing.

His phone buzzed. Relief poured down his spine. A distraction, perfect.

{11:09}

Reg: I just served someone that made me think of you.

James: you thought of me? I bet whoever it was, was so hot and funny and beautiful if they made you think of me.

Reg: … I mean. He was hot. That’s beside the point though, I’ve told you, I *don’t* think you’re hot. You’re rotting and old. He spilt his tea because he was too busy pretending he hadn’t been staring at me. It was very funny.

James: I am hot. I literally am so hot. And he was funny, what did I say!!!

was he staring in a weird way though? Like, are you okay?

Reg: Yes Jamie. I’m okay. Pretty flattered actually, its not everyday that you get to watch a hot guy get flustered purely because he’s looking at you.

James: it could be every day, love, if you came here.

Reg: ugh go away.

James grinned. He would bet his favourite pair of shoes that Reg was hot as sin. He couldn’t explain it, it was the way he messaged, he was so sure of himself. James liked that. He liked it a lot.

Chapter Text

Someone knocked at the front door far too loudly, it sounded as if they’d taken a page out of James’s book and were axing the door down. James groaned. It was particularly inconvenient that he was being woken up, less so that someone was breaking in. James didn’t care, what was one more person in this house? Just let him sleep.

‘James Fleamont Potter,’ The voice began to shrill into his eardrums and grate down his bones, ‘Get the fuck up, we have exam results to go and collect’

James groaned louder, ‘Marlene fucking McKinnon, Shut up’

‘Well. That’s not my middle name,’ Marlene grinned, ‘Though if you ask my girlfriend, she’d probably agree it should be’

‘No,’ James rolled over, his face into his pillow, ‘I am going to pretend that I didn’t hear that’

‘As if you don’t tell me every single little detail of how you fuck, Potter’, Marlene bit back, eyes alive, and face flushed. She began to imitate James,  ‘Oh Marls, he was so good, he pulled my head back and-‘

‘YES okay, thank you Marlene, shut the fuck up,’ James jumped out of bed and tackled her side on.

She screeched in laughter as she hit the floor with James on top of her, crushing her body. She made kissing noises loudly between breaths, still imitating James. He slapped a hand over her mouth and lent his whole weight on her, closing his eyes as if he was settling in for another nap. She bit his hand. Hard.

‘Ow!,’ James cried out, ‘What the fuck’

‘Seriously Potter, we need to go collect our results, we need to know if we have to resit the exam in two weeks,’ She kissed the end of his nose, ‘We’re in this together, yeah?’

They entered the corridor of their lecturers office and took a seat alongside the rest of the victims. They were being called one by one into the dreaded office so that they were able to ‘properly talk about their results’. Which was dumb. James didn’t want to talk, he wanted to pass his exam and go home for a nap.

He took his phone out of his bag and twisted his fingers. Okay, he could admit, he was nervous. He wasn’t good at exams. His brain could remember plenty of information but it muddled it all up into one big information soup. And he didn’t need a soup. He needed a dated timeline. He couldn’t sit a bloody history exam and not write any dates down. He should have asked Remus for help, why didn’t he ask Remus. He was so fucking stupid. He would fail because he couldn’t swallow his pride. Anxiety prickled around his throat like a noose.

{09:32}

James: Hey

Reg: Hi

James: How are you, love?

Reg: I am not your love.

I'm good, tired though. I love my job but right now I want to tell everyone to shut up and then I want to crawl upstairs and go to sleep for 80 years.

James: I vote that you do just that.

Reg: Thanks for the vote of confidence.

James shifted. He felt like he had ants all over his body. He couldn’t tell if everyone was staring at him or if he was getting paranoid again. Digging his nails into his leg, he nervously glanced around the corridor. Some people looked relieved, he thought, probably relieved that the exam was over for them, some look like they wanted to vomit all over themselves and then hide in a dark hole. He was with the latter. 

Reg: How are you?

James let out a sharp exhale. Fuck it.

James: Nervous. I’m waiting to see if I’ve passed my module exams or not.

Reg: Oh, good luck, I’m sure you’ll do fine

James: I don’t think I will. I’m never quite smart enough. I try so hard, I study and I go back over old lectures, but my brain is always caught in storm. It can’t ever remember things in order.

Reg: Tell you what. Wait until you get the results and if you then need to spiral, which I’m sure you won’t, you can spiral here, to me, ok?

James: Okay, yeah. I think I can do that.

Reg: Good.

Want me to tell you a fact?

James: Yes please

Reg: The pope can’t be an organ donor.

The thread of that new fact began to unravel in James’s mind. He needed more information immediately. The office door swung open and a flushed face, teary eyed, student walked out. That was foreshadowing, James reckoned. The lecturer met his eye and nodded him into the office. James felt Marlene momentarily grab his hand and squeeze. He’d be fine.

He wouldn’t be fine.

‘James I can see how much work you’ve put into this,’ His lecturer said as he inhaled a deep breath, and god, James knew what was coming, ‘But, you didn’t include any specific dates. I know they’re difficult to remember but look, you are studying for a Masters degree, you need specific dates. And I'm not talking, decaded dates. I’m talking, day, month, year. Come on James, I know you have it in you, your essays are always hitting top marks and then you sit an exam and its like you forget everything you’ve ever been taught.’

James felt an overwhelming wave of shame crash through his body. No. This was not going to happen, not here. He swallowed heavily and disconnected from his surroundings. Everything went slightly fuzzy. He stopped feeling anything. This was a neat trick he had learnt in school when things were too overwhelming. When he felt like he was dying. He just. Stopped. He slipped away, went elsewhere, for a while.

James nodded, ‘I know sir. My roommate said he would help me practice memory retention and Marlene will go over the exam with me, I’m sure of it’

‘Ok,’ His lecturer grimaced, ‘Ok, but that doesn’t change the facts here James. You will be resitting the exams. You haven’t yet passed this module and by consequence, this year. Now I’m not saying you won’t but-‘

James tuned him out. Okay. Breathe. In and out, in and out, in and out. He didn’t know what else was said but he must of said the right things because he was currently walking back out into the corridor. He didn’t want to look at Marlene. But he rarely gets what he wants, so he took a breath and stepped close to her. She was chewing on her bottom lip. James shook his head once, quickly, and with that her expression fell. Marlene went to stand and James stepped back. She froze and then sat back down, concern was crawling into her features and James needed it to stop. Stop it. Stop. Stop. Stop. So he turned and walked out, fast.

God. He was so bloody stupid. He was an intruder in his own body. How did he get into University? He must have lied. Yes. That’s it. Because he was a liar. He was playing a part in a show that no one else knew they were in.

He wasn’t dying. He was already dead.

His hands shook. He was desperate but he wasn’t sure what for. It was like, he wanted to dig himself a grave and simultaneously, he wanted to peel himself apart, layer by layer, until he found out where the rot started. He would dig it out himself. The rot. It couldn’t kill him, he was already dead.

His phone buzzed and he considered snapping it in half. Shut up. Then he looked at the name and air flooded back into his lungs. Fuck. And just like that, James was back. This was the problem with slipping away, he didn’t know where he was when he decided to stop throwing a pity party. He was stupid. God, the emotions were drowning him. He was dying. He was dead.

{11:12}

Reg: Jamie?

James: Yeah. Hi. Sorry

Reg: No shush, its ok. You’re ok. Talk to me?

James: I’m not. I’m not okay. I’m fucking stupid and dumb and I wish I had never existed in the first place. Do you know how many people are counting on me? On me. And I cant even pass a fucking exam.

Reg: Oh, hey, it’s ok. You’re not dumb or stupid. You gave it your best shot and that’s all anyone can ask for.

James: Don’t fucking patronise me, Reg.

Reg: Right.

James sighed. He wanted to pull his hair out, strand by strand. Sinking to the floor, he turned his phone over in his hands, he needed a new case this one was scratched and marked and ugly. So was James, fitting really.

Reg: My best friend studies undergrad politics, I know it’s not quite the same, but I can ask him if he has any advice on how to retain information. If, well, only if you wanted.

James: Oh. You’d do that?

Reg: Of course. We’re friends now after all.

James: Are we?

I’m sorry for being rude. I’m so exhausted with myself. I just want to be enough for once in my life.

Reg: I think you’re being too harsh on yourself.

James: You don’t know me.

Reg: Fair enough.

Have you committed any mass atrocities? Killed anyone?

James: What? Ofc not.

Reg: Yeah, exactly. So back to what I just said then, you’re spiralling.

James: Idk. I deserve this.

Reg: No you don’t. no one deserves this, Jamie. You failed an exam, so what? Will the consequences kill someone? No. Surprisingly, people fail exams everyday, you’re not special.

James reread that message over and over. You’re not special. He wasn’t. Reg was right, he wasn’t special. He was causing a scene, to someone he didn’t really know, because his feelings were jaded. Pathetic. He was a pathetic excuse of a human being.

Reg: Don’t you dare overthink that.

James: Okay.

Reg: Fucks sake. I go on break in ten minutes, do you want to call then? I can carry on telling you facts if you want.

James: about the pope?

Reg: I mean, sure, if that’s what you want to know.

James: Yes please.

Reg: Okay Jamie. Give me ten.  

The emotions in James’s body paused. Wait, call him. Oh god. Okay sure, yeah, James could do this. He could be cool and normal and- god. Please don’t let Reg sound hot. That’ll be the end of James, he may be dead now but he’ll be dead and buried if Reg sounds hot. He fidgeted and lent his back against the tree behind him. He was a wreck. Better this way though, he didn’t have quite so much energy to humiliate himself on the phone. Less of a whirl-wind mind. More of a nose-dive spiral.

His phone began to vibrate in his hand and he felt his muscles seize up temporarily. He might not answer. He might not-

‘Hi’

‘Hey, Jamie, still spiralling over there?’

James coughed. Fuck. Reg sounded hot, ‘Maybe, uh, maybe a little bit’

Reg stifled a laugh, ‘Aw. It’ll be okay though, I know how it feels but I do actually promise that it will be okay’

‘I know, its just. God. I have to go back to the house and tell everyone that I didn’t pass my exams and I have to watch them be disappointed in me, and I have to be there while they pretend they aren’t over the moon that they passed theirs because they’re worried about my feelings and they shouldn’t have to worry because-‘

‘Alright, Jamie. Alright, breathe’

‘I- I can’t’ And he couldn’t. He had done it again. Failed. Sirius was going to call his mum and then he really would have damaged everything and everyone and-

Reg clicked his tongue, ‘The pope can’t be an organ donor because his body is property of the church, if papal organs were donated, they could become relics in other people should the pope become a saint.’

‘What’

‘You said you wanted to know. And that’s the reason, he cant donate because the Vatican says that his organs are property of the church’

‘Oh,’ It was as if this fact was a piece of rope dropped into his spiralling mind, he gripped onto it with both hands, ‘Well. That’s a bit unfortunate, I’m not sure I would like that’

Reg barked a laugh, ‘Right, of course not. You were thinking about becoming pope then, I assume? I can see how this is a prevalent issue for you’

‘Fuck off, I so could be the Pope’

‘Yeah sure, love, because the Pope is known for being homosexual’

James giggled. He bloody giggled, ‘Well. I’ll let you be the Archbishop, when I’m the Pope’

‘Ah yes. Of course. Because that’s how it works’

A comfortable silence settled over the line and James stretched his legs out in front of him. Oh, it was working. He felt a little less dead.

‘Are you hot’

‘I- am I- What’

‘Hot’

‘Yeah. Well, I think so. My best friends go on and on about how pretty I am. One of them wants to steal my face, I’m pretty sure’

‘Steal your… face?’

‘Yeah. He doesn’t want to date me, or fuck me, but he wants my face. I don’t know. Don’t ask. I have no idea’

James slammed his jaw shut, caging his tongue in. Shit. Reg was hot and he was talking about fucking. James’s sanity really was on its last thread. He coughed, shifted, and slowly opened his mouth.

‘Right. Yeah’

Reg let out a breathy laugh, ‘Are you okay there, Jamie?’

‘Yup. Yeah, no, I’m great. Yeah’

‘Mhm sure sounds like it lo-‘ another voice sounded at the end of the phone, ‘Shit. I have to go, they need me back out the front’

‘Okay,’ James felt himself deflate, ‘Thank you for- well, for this’

‘Anytime, I’ll talk to you later’

The line went dead before he could choke out something else. He felt strangely better but a little extra alone. It was odd this time though, he felt alone, sure, but he wasn’t feeling lonely per se.

Maybe he should talk to someone. Maybe Reg was right. He was overthinking this. James picked his phone back up and hovered over the unlock button. Come on. He could do this. He found the contact easily, it was a number he knew by heart after all. He waited with baited breath for an answer. The line connected.

‘Hi Mum’

Chapter Text

The shrill of an alarm cut through the quiet hum of the morning. Reg slammed his hand down onto the phone out of habit and then he let out a long groan. How was the night over already? Whatever God was out there, was hell-bent on not letting Reg sleep. The morning light was peeping around the curtain as he pushed his way slowly out from under the cocoon of covers. His feet hit the cold floor and he let out a yelp of surprise, where on earth were his slippers?

A suspicious looking kitten came strutting into the room. She jumped on the bed looking rather pleased with herself as she walked over to him and pushed her head against the side of his arm. He narrowed his eyes, ‘Where are my slippers?’

Alice, the kitten, meowed in a sort of reply and Reg sighed, patting her head gently. He knew that she was telling him that she’d hidden them behind the sofa, so, he was going to have to brave the walk across the tiled hallway floor barefoot.

Reg considered clambering back into the warm comfort of his duvet but the day must go on, he had a café to run after all. And, his brain helpfully supplied, a very attractive man to see. He huffed and pushed that thought away, it was merely a ridiculous crush and on a customer of all people. He should be embarrassed but he couldn’t find it in himself to be.

He slid loose black jeans onto his legs to try and combat the chill of the morning and caught his own eye in the floor length mirror, that he had been meaning to move for months, for this very reason. He didn’t need to constantly be looking at himself. It was not a particularly nice view, he was a walking reminder of everything that had ever happened to himself and he hated it. He wasn’t pretty. Well. Objectively he was, he’d been likened to the stars enough times before to know that. But the anger had carved itself out into the sharpness of his jaw and in the aggressive slant of his eyebrows. The fear from his childhood was heavily slashed through the side of his mouth, down to the underside of his chin, in a silky white line that almost blended into his complexion. Almost. It was still obvious enough to act as a cruel reminder that while he may have made it out of his childhood home, he would never truly escape the torment.

The thing was, he wasn’t one whole continuous person. He was fractured into parts, there was Regulus Arcturus Black, that was before. There was Regulus Black, Sirius Blacks’ brother, that was during. And now there was Reg Black, café owner and long-time fuck up, that happened after. The impact of solely being a piece of a person was astronomical, he couldn’t remember who he should be anymore, he couldn’t even remember who he wanted to be, he simply just was. He was forced into living everyday as such, to make it through as if it was an episode of survivor.

As his eyes flickered to the scarred skin, his thoughts switched to his brother. His breathing hitched into the beginning wisps of panic, he shut the thought away into a large chest in the back of his mind. No. He had a brother, he doesn’t have one anymore and mulling over old memories won’t do anything to bring that back.

He clicked his tongue against the roof of his mouth and spun around to march out into the living room. He snatched up a knitted jumper, one he’d found in a charity shop close by, it had quickly become the love of his life. It was big enough that he could hide his hands or chose to roll the sleeves and display his tattooed forearms, it was cosy enough that he was warm but knitted loose enough that air could still crawl inside, and it was a lovely muted green colour. He picked at a stray thread and thought about the inventory for the day. Which led him to think about the glasses he needed to replace, maybe he’d make a trip to the charity shop after work and have a look for funky glasses. Barty was a pain in Regulus’s arse. He wanted to cut him slack because he was, after all, doing Reg a large favour by helping out so he could take Alice to the vets but why didn’t Evan have him on a tighter lead? A five glass high stack in the dishwasher? Regulus had never heard of something so ridiculous in his life. He wondered if it was purely to annoy Evan. Which was fine, but if he could not smash a load of Regulus’s belongings while he was doing whatever weird flirting ritual, he currently had his mind set on, that would be great.

That was Barty through and through. He was destructive. Regulus loved him, he was there through all of the ‘after’ parts of Regulus’s life, and god Regulus loved him with whatever he had left inside of himself. They knew the other one better than they knew themselves because they had been everything, all the way through to almost nothing, to each other. They were simply friends now. Though there wasn’t really anything simple about it. They were friends that sometimes existed in the same breath, in the same space, in the same exact moment. And, also friends that sometimes couldn’t stand to look each other in the eyes.

Evan, on the other hand, he was the softness that the other two lacked. They were all sharp edges and cruel words and Evan was the axe throwers target, he was the mouthpiece of each word, honing them into something less terrifying. Evan could be just as cruel but he wasn’t. And that was the difference between the three of them. Evan had had anger sliced into his brain, he’d had all sense of hope ripped out of his chest and buried alive, he’d felt fear that almost topped Regulus’s. Yet, he chose to be gentler, to be more careful, to be different. The circle of Rosier violence ended there, it ended at Evan. He was a better man than the other two and Regulus knew that.

Regulus twisted his arm back and waited for the satisfying pop before he slid his shoes on and made the short descent into his café. His little slice of peace. He strolled to the front door and flipped the sign over, ‘Welcome in!’ fluttered against the fresh breeze of the morning before it settled flat against the door for the day. The lights flickered on, they were a crisscross of fairy lights that smothered every inch of the ceiling. Before long the buzz of people outside got louder, they were walking into work, updating their co-workers about the night before, Regulus supposed. He thought about not having someone to update about his evening and his eyebrows knitted together briefly, then a light flicked on in his brain. He did have someone that would want to know.

{08:56}

Reg: Morning (: how are you? It’s really quiet in work at the moment, I am thinking about making more cake for the display cabinet, do you maybe have some suggestions of flavour?

James: Hi!! hihihi, it’s so lovely to hear from you <3

Reg shifted as something worryingly resembling relief bubbled up into his chest. James was, well, he- this was so delicate, like that of a hand-woven dreamcatcher adorned with glass crystals. It made Regulus nervous, the wanting, he wasn’t good at being gentle.

James: I’m really good, especially now that we’re talking! And my vote would HAVE to be for spiced apple cake – my mum makes it for my birthday and it is so so so delicious. You’d be doing a disservice to the people of your café if you didn’t make it.

Reg: A disservice, eh?

James: Yup, I’m sorry to say you would be.

Reg: Alright then. One spiced apple cake for Jamie, coming right up

James: Aw don’t. I can’t believe I can’t taste it, I’m so jealous of whoever you see today now.

Reg: Whoever I see today? Why?

James: For getting to taste the cake

Reg: Oh yes, ofc, the cake  

James: And because they get to be near you (:

Reg: Oh?

James: Yeah. I like you. I want to be able to come and annoy you, whenever you want.

Reg: Well, I don’t think you’d physically be able to annoy me.

But yeah, me too. It’s a shame you can’t make this cake with me.

James: ): … maybe next time?

Reg: Yeah, alright.

James: Really???

Reg: Yeah, sure, why not. Although, let me see if I can actually make it first otherwise it won’t be very impressive will it.

James: Oh? You want to impress me?

Reg: Shut up.

Reg may or may not have had a little extra joy in his step to the store. He picked up all the ingredients that he needed to make the cake and paid quickly, he had grabbed a cat toy for Alice on his way out as a suggestion of ‘Please don’t hide anymore shoes or I’m going to have to start wearing odd pairs’.

He switched the coffee machine on and swung the door to the kitchen open, loud enough that it smashed against the wall. He rolled his eyes and dumped the contents of the shopping bag onto the worktop. That bloody door, he might have to rip it off its hinges to teach it a lesson for scratching his wall yet again.

Classic rock was blasting through the kitchen speakers. Regulus had pushed an alice-band into his cropped hair to keep it off of his face, he’d rolled his sleeves up above his elbows and had somehow gotten flour everywhere. But, for the first time in weeks, he was actually enjoying himself. Regulus let out a deep breath as he pressed his face up to the glass window of the oven, this was better, he’d been doing much better recently. Perhaps he was beginning to heal the open wound that he was. Or perhaps pretty boys and harmless flirting was actually to blame for taking the existential weight off of Regulus’s shoulders. He sighed and debated whether it would be unacceptable if he simply jumped over the counter and stuck his tongue down the throat of the guy that continually ordered lemon tea. Lemon tea. Regulus didn’t even serve fucking lemon tea, who did? But look, the guy came in asking, he was windswept and stressed out and Reg had some left over in his flat – it was his brothers’ favourite too. Since then, he’d made sure to have a stash of lemon tea ready for the very pretty man that ordered it daily.

The man’s existence was a gift from God, Regulus was sure of it, he was beautiful. Regulus was a stone-cold sinner, he knew that. There was no point in trying to attract this man because Regulus wouldn’t even know what to do with him if he had him. Nothing to stop him looking though. Looking was fine, looking was- so much more than fine. He was the epitome of beauty, his skin was brown with an almost golden undertone, his hair was constantly in some kind of post-sex mess that was begging for Regulus's hands to pull on, his arms were enough to start Regulus off drooling. He wouldn’t mind being strangled by them. And his hands? They were a downright religious experience.

Regulus coughed as the timer startled him out of his thoughts. The cake was coming out of the oven before he knew it and, god, Regulus would be baking the cake again if purely for the smell. It was like the flicker of a candle and the touch of lovers in the first snowfall of the year, it was a warm smell, one that Regulus wanted woven into his skin. He hoped for his own sake that James did not smell like this.

As he was fussing with where the new cake would sit among the others in the display, the door chime sounded. Regulus wiped his hands on his apron and stood up straight with his customer smile placed precariously on his face. He liked the social interaction that owning a café came with but he wasn’t so good at softening his body language so that people actually wanted to talk with him. It was difficult, after years of having to toughen himself up, of having to have a spine made of solid iron, it was difficult to rid the old habit. It seemed that old habits did not, in fact, die hard.

His phone buzzed and caught his attention briefly, a message from James was patiently waiting. Reg grinned and locked his phone shut. He lifted his eyes to the customer that was, himself, typing something out on his phone. God. It was the lemon tea man. He looked particularly delectable today, his hair was windswept and a slight sheen of sweat covered his visible skin. He was wearing what looked to be a University rugby kit. Regulus wanted to lick the sweat off of his body. The man coughed; Regulus blushed slightly.

‘Hi,’ Regulus inhaled, Gods, he desperately needed to have sex, maybe this weekend he could. He made a mental note to get Barty and Evan out with him, ‘Lemon tea?’

The mans grin lit up his entire face, ‘Yes please’

He was chewing on his bottom lip as he mulled over the cake selection. Regulus wished he wouldn’t because it was making him think of how he desperately wanted to bite his bottom lip, he wanted to suck on it, and then push his tongue down this man’s throat. He took a deep breath and turned away to get started on the lemon tea. As he was pouring the boiling water into the prettiest red teapot that he could find, and yes- he did have to dig through all of the cupboard to find this specifically for him, Regulus heard a sharp in take of breath.

‘Oh!’ Pure excitement filtered into the man’s voice, ‘You have spiced apple cake!’

‘Yup,’ Regulus thanked his lucky stars, and James at the end of the phone, for suggesting it, ‘Would you like a slice?’

‘Yes please!’ He was practically vibrating with excitement, ‘Actually, could I get two slices? My best mate loves this almost more than I do’

Reg chuckled and boxed up one of the slices, leaving the other on a matching floral red plate for the man to eat now. He popped the teapot onto the tray as well and deflated a little as his interaction with the man was almost up. Yes okay, Regulus was becoming pathetic around him. He watched the mans arms move as his muscles rippled slightly while he rooted around his pocket for cash.

‘It’s on the house,’ Reg said before he could stop himself

‘Oh,’ The man glanced up at him, ‘Are you sure?’

Regulus nodded, he indicated at the mans sports jersey, ‘For winning the game’

The man let out a little noise of joy and thanked Regulus repeatedly. Regulus was glad he’d guessed right, about the team winning, otherwise he would have looked like a fool. It was clearly his lucky day. He took his usual seat in the window and grabbed his laptop out, Regulus felt content knowing that the man would be sat there for several hours working. It helped Regulus feel calm, knowing that he could look over and see the man deep in thought, whenever he wanted to. Gods. He was down bad, it was humiliating really.

Regulus rolled his eyes at himself and busied himself with cleaning an already clean counter. His phone buzzed again, and he remembered James’ messages. He lent back on the counter and opened the conversation thread. Regulus inhaled so sharply that he choked on the air around him, he flung his arms out and dropped his phone. Holy. Fuck.

{12:03}

James: Reg hi! I was getting changed this morning and thought you might want to see my new tattoo because you were talking about butterflies the other day!

{picture}

I hope the baking is going well!!!

James had sent Regulus a picture of his bare stomach, there was the outline of a butterfly sitting just above his left hip. It was beautiful and delicate. Reg’s eyes flicked around the rest of the photo and he inhaled, choking on the air, James had defined stomach muscles. He- Regulus needed immediate medical attention. Regulus groaned like a distressed animal, only to stop when he heard lemon tea mans phone ring, he suddenly remembered he was at work and slammed his mouth shut. He felt hot. No. he felt feverish. He wanted to throw up and- gods, he wasn’t in his own skin. What was happening to him. James had abs, he wanted to cry.

Reg: Did you just send me a picture of your stomach muscles, while i'm AT WORK

James: Uh, sorry?

Reg: Oh, shut up. Shut up. Shut up.

James: Should I not have?

Reg: Now, tell me, why on earth you failed to mention you had abs.

James: Sorry, love, I did tell you I was hot. As I recall, you were the one that chose to ignore me.

Reg: I’m going to hell.

James: Yeah? Is it bothering you, love?

Reg: OF COURSE IT IS. YOU HAVE FUCKING ABS AND YOU JUST CASUALLY SENT ME A PICTURE WHILE I AM AT WORK.

The man across the room barked out a laugh. Regulus’s head snapped up but the man was staring at his phone, which was good because Regulus was pretty certain that he was flushed red enough to match the tea pot that he had supplied the man with. He shifted on his feet and put his phone face down on the surface.

He took a deep breath. He needed to breathe again. and again. He closed his eyes slowly and tried to think of anything other than James’s carved out abs. He ran a hand over his face and groaned. Gods. He was at work, this was so unfair.

Chapter Text

James stared back at his reflection, they were all going out to the bar tonight; it was Friday night beer night. He was wearing loose blue jeans and a cropped white shirt with a red cowboy hat drawn on it, it showed a strip of his stomach every time he moved. He thought Reg would rather like his outfit. Not that it mattered, it’s not as if he’d bump into Reg – he didn’t even know where Reg lived, what were the chances that they lived anywhere near each other? Not likely.

He slipped on his black boot converse, which he begrudgingly thought, the elastic laces were rather helpful for and ran his hands through his hair. He took a breath and stepped out into the hallway in search of the other boys. Sirius was sat on the counter wearing leather trousers and a matching top to James, and Remus was stood in between Sirius’ legs carefully lining his eyes in black kohl. Remus looked hot. He was wearing slightly flared black jeans and he had a green and black knitted sweater on, it was knitted really loose so you could see the tight black tank top that Remus had on under it, which put Remus's lean figure on display.

The front door swung open and Marlene traipsed inside. Her hair windswept, she was gorgeous too. She had on loose black jeans and a tight red top that ended just below her chest, her whole stomach was on show, her tattoo on full display. She had a white and red short sleeved shirt over it all and James did a double take.

He let a low whistle out, ‘Don’t you scrub up well, McKinnon’

She cocked an eyebrow, ‘You too, Potter, if I wasn’t a raging lesbian, I would consider jumping you right now’

Remus barked a laugh and Sirius grinned. Marlene turned to face them, she imitated James’ low whistle, ‘Holy fuck, don’t you two look absolutely edible tonight’.

‘Alright Marlene, back off my boyfriend, yeah?’ Remus teased and she flipped him off.

‘Right c’mon, lets get James fucked so that I can invite my friends out’ Marlene shimmied everyone out of the door and pushed it shut, ‘Let, Operation: Find a hot man, begin’

They entered the bar in a flurry of laughter as they bee-lined for their usual booth. It was hidden away enough that they could hear each other but not so far that they couldn’t enjoy the music. Remus wandered off to go and get the first round and some shots for everyone. James sat down and kicked his feet up on the table leg, he began scanning the crowd of people for a potential target. Remus pushed his body in the other side of the booth and slammed the shots in front of them all. They met each others eyes and grinned, ready to let the mess unravel, they tipped back the shots.

Sirius was saying something to James but he couldn’t hear a word. His eyes were locked onto the man across the bar. It was the man from the café, Barty, James thought. He was in jeans that were ripped down the front of both legs which meant that James could see the tattoos spiralling up from his ankles to his thighs. His shirt was unbuttoned and his face was flushed with the heat of being drunk. James wanted him.

Barty pushed forward until he found himself by James’s table, ‘Hi, Mr. Lemon tea, fancy seeing you here’

James raised his eyebrows. He needed this. ‘Aren’t you looking delectable?’

Barty cocked his head to the side and narrowed his eyes. He could play this game just as well, ‘You want a taste, babe?’

Remus choked on his drink behind James and James let a sharp smile show, ‘Are you offering?’

‘Looks like I am’

Barty lent forward into James’s space. His nose was pressed up against James as his thigh slid in between both of James’s legs. He arched up against Barty and tilted his head back. Gods, this was just what James needed. Barty dropped his head forward and sunk his teeth into James collarbone. James let a long drawn out groan slip from his throat.

Marlene slammed her hands on the table and hissed, ‘James for fucks sake, go somewhere else, you're not having sex in the fucking bar. I want to be able to show my face in here again.'

Barty sniggered into James neck and bit down again. He pushed his thigh harder into James’s groin and James was pretty certain that he was going to black out. James slid his hands up the back of Bartys shirt and dug his nails in. Almost like he was making sure Barty couldn’t leave. Barty tilted James’s  face back towards him, James briefly saw his blood in Bartys mouth and then Bartys’ tongue was pushed up against the inside of James’ teeth.

James started rutting against his thigh, the long drawn out pressure was driving James insane. His head dropped forward, all he could think about was the pressure on his cock. And Bartys fucking tattoos. James had his mouth open from the last moan as he tipped himself forward again, so that Barty had to practically hold his body up. Then he sunk his teeth into Bartys’ throat, right over the tattoo.  

‘Fuck. Fuck, ok, yeah we’re doing this. Get the fuck up’

James looked up into Bartys’ face as he carried on rocking against his thigh. His pupils were blown and his lips were red from Bartys blood. Why would they move when James felt like this.

'Get up,’ Barty hissed at James as he held his gaze, ‘I won’t fucking ask you again’

The thing is, James wasn’t a solid being. He was everything. He was the flicker of light from the broken bulb in the back corner, he was the music blasting from the DJ set, he was the pour of another drink. He was euphoric. Barty wanted to moan just looking at James, his gaze was unfocused, pleasure was crawling around his face and he was touching Barty everywhere that he could reach.

Barty stepped back abruptly. James stumbled, panting heavily. His face was flushed with need and his hands were reaching back out for Barty. Barty wrapped a hand around James’s wrist and march him straight over the the first open toilet stall that he could find.

As he swung the door shut, James dropped to his knees. He was mouthing at Bartys cock through his jeans before the lock even had time to click shut. Barty wrapped a hand in James hair and lent the other against the wall. Fuck. James slid Bartys jeans down to the middle of his thighs and ran his tongue along the length. He flicked his eyes up to stare into Bartys.

That was it. Barty stopped breathing, he knew what James wanted. He tightened his grip in James’ hair and pushed his cock into James’ mouth. His eyes sunk closed with pleasure.

‘Open your eyes or I won’t move’

Barty felt James moan around his cock. James' eyes were open again, half lidded, and pupils blown so wide that his whole iris was practically black. Barty grinned in a way that was all teeth and primal need. He pushed forward into James’ throat, as deep as he could and he waited for James to start choking before he moved back an inch to allow him to breathe. One breath. That was it, that was all he was getting. Then he fucked himself down James' throat and pulled his hair hard enough that his head moved forward. Holy fuck. James had spit running down his chin and his face was torn with pure desire, Barty was going to come. He was pretty certain that this was a downright religious experience. Ironic as it was going to send him straight to hell.

He pulled James back up and James gasped for air. No. Barty wrapped his hand around James' throat and squeezed, hard. He shoved James against the wall and pushed his thigh back in between his legs. James moved like a man possessed. His mouth was open, stuck between a moan and trying to catch his breath. His head was tilted back against the wall and the pressure on his cock was building into a holy feeling. James was frantic. Feverish. Barty grinned and pitched forward into James, he sunk his teeth back into the base of his throat, his other hand slid around James’ cock. Barty could taste his own come mixed with James spit as he bit down and tore into his skin. If James could breathe, he would have yelled out as he came, but Bartys hand was wrapped tight.

Barty let go of James. James remained pressed up against the stall. He looked ethereal. Fuck it. Barty didn’t kiss random strangers for the sake of kissing but he couldn’t help it, James was something otherworldly. He was just so god damn pretty. Barty slid his tongue into James’ mouth and crowded his body back in close, one last time. Then he stepped back and opened the door.

‘You know where to find me, if you need me again’ Barty winked and ran his tongue over his teeth and then he was gone.

James stayed there, dazed, his lungs screamed for air. He closed his eyes and grinned for a second and then he was stretching his arms and washing his face clean. His reflection stared back at him as he was leaving the bathroom and he blushed. He looked like he had been thoroughly fucked. His hair was a mess, his pupils were still blown wide, his shoulders and the base of his throat were lightly bleeding where Bartys' bitemarks were ripped into his skin.

He walked back to his friends in a post-orgasmic haze. Remus’s eyebrows flew up, and Sirius sniggered at the sight of James.

'Holy fuck,’ Marlene's mouth hung open in shock, ‘James, does that not hurt?’

Sirius laughed, ‘That’s kind of the whole point, Marls’

‘Yeah,’ James was still getting used to being able to breathe freely again, ‘Uh, Remus could I wear your sweatshirt for the rest of the night please’

Remus’s eyes were fixed on the teeth marks, he lent forward and pressed down on one of them. James tilted his head back, trying to remember how to fucking breathe. James felt so good. He felt pretty like this, fucked out and skin torn. Remus swallowed hard and took his jumper off, handing it over to James.

James slid his arms into the soft knitted wool and sunk down onto the booth seat, next to Sirius.

‘Well,’ Marlene smirked, ‘Seems like now the mission of the night is complete, I’m going to call my girlfriend and see if her and her friends want to join us’

Sirius gasped, ‘We get to officially meet the girlfriend?’

‘If you embarrass me, Black, I’ll tell everyone about the time I walked in on you and Remus’ Marlene playfully narrowed her eyes and pushed herself up to go and make the call.

Remus made a vague sound of protest at the threat but when James opened his eyes to look back at him, Remus was watching him intently. James liked it, the attention, especially right now. He huffed out a breath and curled in sideways towards Sirius. Sirius gritted his teeth, James always did this, he had rough sex and then sought out comfort from Sirius and Remus. Sirius didn’t mind the comforting part but, gods, he wished James could find someone that would treat him like he deserved. He placed his legs over Sirius and lent his face into his neck.

‘Hi,’ James mumbled, ‘I feel nice’

Sirius chuckled, ‘Yeah love, I imagine so’

James laughed softly back against Sirius’ skin. He felt, more than heard, Remus tilt Sirius’s head back so he could push his tongue into his throat. It was only brief, and then he pulled away and pushed a hand into James’s hair, massaging his scalp slightly.

‘Hi,’ James said, ‘that feels nice’

Remus exhaled and slid his hand into the collar of his jumper that now covered James's body, he was seeking out the torn skin again. His fingers brushed against it and James let out a breath of air, his pupils blown again, pressed up against Sirius. Loud talking brought them all back into reality and two things happened at once. Remus pulled back, giving them both a kiss on the forehead and Lily Evans took a seat across from James.

His body shot up straight on the seat.

‘James,’ Lily's mouth fell open, ‘What on earth are you doing here?’

‘Lils,’ This night was chaos for James, he wasn’t really sure what was going on anymore, ‘Hullo, why are you here?’

‘She’s my girlfriend, Jamie,’ Pandora smiled, ‘Don’t be mean’

Pandora was ethereal. James might fade in and out of looking holy but she consistently looked like a religious experience waiting to happen. Then again, Lily didn’t look far off, her long auburn hair was spun into a braided updo, her long tanned legs were on display, and her eyes were like trapped sunlight.

‘You know each other then?’ Pandora asked, looking around her friends.

‘Yeah,’ Lily smirked, ‘James was deadly in love with me in school. And by proxy I got to know Sirius, and Remus. Sorry boys but Remus is the best of ya’

James spluttered as everyone began laughing, ‘Fuck off, I was eleven’

Remus lent over and kissed the side of Pandora and Lily's faces and stage whispered, ‘You’ve found a keeper, Dora’

Lily and Pandora grinned at each other, Pandora grabbed Lilys face and pulled her in for a quick kiss, ‘I know’

James coughed, the jealousy was back, ‘Well, right, should we get some more alcohol?’

They all chorused their agreement as Remus and Lily slid out of the booth and walked in the direction of the bar, Remus was bent sideways a little, to reduce his height, so that he could hear Lily over the noise of people.

James felt out of sorts. His chest was hurting. Why didn’t anyone want to love him? Sure he could get fucked whenever he wanted but there was a difference between getting fucked and having sex. At least, there was to James. He wanted what the rest of his friends had found.

His skin began to itch and he pulled his phone out of the back of his pockets. He debated sending a message to Reg but he wasn’t sure if that would be annoying, especially on a Friday night. Remus placed a cider in front of James and James thought, fuck it.

{23:09}

James: Hi babe, how are you?

Reg: Hey Jamie, are you okay?

James: Yup, I’m drunk and my head hurts AND I am subject to my friends practically eye shagging.

Reg: Can you get some water?

James: Maybe, I’m really comfortable though

Reg: Mm okay, could you get someone else to get it for you?

James: When Marls gets back I’ll ask her

Reg: Okay, love, that’s a good idea

James: Mhm, how are you?

Reg: I’m okay. At home with my kitten tonight because she's got a fever, I was supposed to be out drinking too but alas parental duties wait for no one.

James: A kitten? Oh! Let me see, pleaseeee

{Picture }

Reg: Her name is Alice and she has a special talent of hiding shoes.

James: Oh mygoodness. Please give her a million head pats from me.

Reg: Ok, I’ll get started on that now

--

{01:48}

James: ReggGg

Reg: That’s my name, don’t wear it out

James: Oh hihihiiiii

Reg: Hi love, are you okay? Still out?

James: Yeah I wish you were here

Reg: Do you? Why?

James: You're hot

Reg: You have no idea what I look like Jamie

James: Fineee but you sound hot

Reg: I sound hot?

James: Mhm exactly

Reg: Okay. Yeah because that definitely has nothing to do with you being drunk right now

James: I’ve lost my friends ):

Reg: What do you mean? Why the fuck would they let you out of their sight when you’re like this.

James: They’re probably shagging… not me though. I am shagLESS

Reg: Yeah. That’s probably for the best right now Jamie, are you safe?

James: I guess

Reg: No. That’s not going to work, I am going to need full answers.

James: Yes sir.

Reg: Fuck off

But you’re safe, yeah?

James: Yup, about to get into a taxi. I need to go to bed asap

Reg: Ok, yeah, that’s a very good idea.

James: Yeah

Want to call when I get home?

Reg: Is that a good idea?

James: It’s only a call, what's the harm in that?

Reg: Sure, Jamie. Whatever you want.

James just about managed to slam the door shut and crawl into bed fully dressed - he didn't have time to take his clothes off, he was about to talk to Reg. His throat ached, he made a mental note to get some ice in the morning and to be extra dramatic so that Remus would make his famous waffles. He felt like he was full of love, well, and vodka. Wrapping the covers into a protective cocoon around himself, he dialled the number. Reg answered. 

“Hi love, how are you feeling? Do you have any water with you?”

“Reg! Oh hi, hi, hi, I'm so glad you're here. I missed you”

“Jamie. Water. Do you have any? and yes, I know you miss me, you've might have mentioned it, love.”

“Water. Yeah, sure I'll get some in a little bit. Let me talk to you first, please”

“Gods sake Jamie. Fine, Okay. Hi.”

“Hi baby, you sound so lovely. So pretty. Your voice is- you should record yourself in a podcast, I'd listen to it. I would absolutely love it, it would be all I listen to, on repeat, ok.”

“Yes. Thank you Jamie, if I ever record a podcast I'll be sure to let you know.”

“Mhm. I like you”

“You hardly know me. Trust me, I'm not someone that people fall in love with. You'll only get yourself hurt.”

“Shut up, I can make my own decisions thank you Reg, I don't want you to try and put me off of you. Let me decide what I do and don't pursue. Unless, well, unless you're already in a relationship and then this is super embarrassing and I'll have to go and physically drown myself right this very second.”

“Gods, you're dramatic when you drink, no Jamie, I'm not in a relationship. So, go ahead, find out for yourself that I'm unlovable but don't tell me that I didn't warn you.”

“Okie dokie. Good, thank you. Yep… Reg, I'm tired”

“Do you want to try sleep?”

“I do, I do, but I like talking to you though”

“I'm not planning on going anywhere. You can talk to me when you wake up with an inevitable hangover, regretting every decision you've made tonight.”

“You're mean. I like it.”

“You like it? Of course you do, you have so many problems. Go to sleep now love, I'll stay on the phone.”

“Promise?”

“Promise. Sweet dreams, Jamie.”

Chapter Text

Reg didn’t know what had crawled up Evans arse but, gods, he was being a miserable sod today. He had asked Evan to come and help out at the café while he spent the morning making more spiced apple cake. He had to give it to James, the cake sold like a dream, particularly to the group of older women that come in every afternoon after 4pm. Normally, he liked spending time with Evan. Don’t get him wrong, he loved Barty too but it was nice to get some peace and quiet while having company. Evan could understand this, Barty couldn’t.

He eyed Evan suspiciously as Evan slammed the coffee cup, that he was currently using, a little too hard.

‘Alright,’ Reg stood back, out of range of Evans fists, ‘Lets not take out whatever is going on, on my lovely china cups’

Evans face was twisted into a sneer, ‘Oh, fuck off’

Regs eyebrows flew up his forehead. Well, okay then. He held his hands up and rubbed his face. He was tired and a little confused. It was obviously Barty related because he had stormed into the café furious and made a strangled noise when Reg had joked about this being the first day in years that they’ve had apart. But, still, usually Evan confided in Reg. That was their thing. Without that safety, what was left? How was Reg supposed to act? He was currently acting like a distressed animal and wishing that he had never asked for help because he was spending more time worrying than baking the bloody cakes. Evan didn’t act like this. He simply didn’t. It threw Reg off-kilter.

{09:48}

Reg: Hi Jamie

How are you feeling?

He huffed when James didn’t reply straight away. Fine. If that’s how his day was going to go, then so be it. He stuffed his phone into his back pocket and spent far too much time mulling over the ingredients while the cakes baked – if nothing else, it gave him something to do.

Reg dared a peak around the kitchen door. He was acting like he was seven and back in his god-forsaken childhood home, it was ridiculous. He hated Barty just a little bit for it. Reg wanted to scream, they were so desperate not to hurt each other that it’s all they ever ended up actually doing. He would bet a pretty penny that Barty had done something that wasn’t technically wrong, like shagging someone that wasn’t Evan. He was a grown adult, he could shag whoever he bloody well wanted. Except, well, he couldn’t because he had hurt Evan again and Regulus would be damned if he stood by while the goodness in Evan shrivelled up and died.

{10:02}

Reg: Get your fucking arse here right now.

Barty: Uh, no?

Reg: Barty, I’m not fucking joking. Fix whatever it is that you’ve broken.

Barty: Oh you too? Why don’t you mind your own bloody business.

Fuck off, Regulus.

Reg: Fuck you.

He ground his teeth against each other and slammed his phone onto the workbench so it made a satisfying crack. Fuck Barty. Fuck everything, gods, why did Regulus even care. They were adults and if they wanted to blindly pretend they weren’t shredding each other into pieces then they could be his fucking guest. He wasn’t their parent.

His eyebrows drew into his nose and he felt his stomach drop. The lack of control over the situation was making him feel incredibly sick. On top of that, he felt like a ridiculed child for having Evan snap at him and he felt even more stupid for the fact that it was bothering him so much. He was twenty-four, he didn’t need anyone else's approval on his life. He didn’t need to be coddled. He did, however, need to be hit by a very fast bus.

Evan swung the kitchen door open and they turned to face each other. Evans features were twisted up into an ugly expression of rage; Reg took a step back and then his spine straightened with molten iron.

‘Do you want to hit me?’ Reg said, voice void of emotion

‘Do I- what?,’ Evan hissed

‘Hit me. Do you want to hit me?’

‘What. No’

‘You can, I won’t mind,’ Reg bargained, ‘I’m used to it, honestly, it's okay’

Emotion flashed across Evans face as he stepped forward. The rage dropped from his features and he held himself perfectly still so that Regulus was able to see every movement that he would make next.

‘Hey Reg,’ Evans voice shook slightly, he held his hands out a little like he was approaching a caged animal, ‘I’m not angry with you. You’re not- I’m not. I’m not. I’m sorry’

Guilt married regret in Evans' eyes. He stayed where he was, he knew better than to try and approach Regulus whilst he was like this. Regulus was waiting for the punchline to hit and for Evan to spring back into a violent rage. He knew how to hold his head, how to curl inwards to protect his organs, he would be okay – a few bruises and maybe a broken bone at the most. He’d be okay. He could hear someone, far away, gasping for breath and he felt an inch of empathy for them. His gaze was narrowed, he wouldn’t miss the next movement. Evan had pushed backwards, he was stood as far away from Reg as he could be whilst still being in the same room. His mouth was moving, his eyes locked onto Regulus’s, his hands were held half up almost to suggest that he wasn’t going to hurt him. Regulus knew better.

He wasn’t sure how long he stood there, staring, waiting, but the door gently opened next to Evan. His legs bent. And then Barty was stood two feet away. His hand was reaching out to lay against the front of Regulus’s chest and the terror that gripped him, snapped. His fist made contact with Bartys nose, hard. Someone yelled out. Then everything stopped. Time stood still for a second and then it rushed forward so quickly that it knocked Regulus to his knees.

He was staring at his hands, they were covered in blood. His blood? He hoped not.

‘Fuck,’ Barty whined as Regulus’s brain tuned back into the room, ‘Gods, I was prepared for that and it still hurt more than I was expecting. You have a solid right hook on you, babe’

‘Oh’ Reg stared at Bartys bleeding face, his teeth were chattering loudly, his hands were shaking.

Evan passed Barty a flannel and sat him down on a chair with a quick whisper to ‘Shut the fuck up’ and then he approached Regulus, dropped to his knees in front of him, and held his arms open. Reg noted tear tracks running down Evans face before he pushed forward and landed into the safety of him. Evan gripped hold of Regulus as if he was the one having a panic attack. Maybe he was. Reg thought that was a bit funny. What a mess.

‘I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m so sorry’ Evan was chanting into Regulus’ hair and then Barty was there too. His hands running up and down Evan and Reg’s back comfortingly. For once he was quiet.

As Evans breathing returned to normal, Reg stopped shaking. They were both slummed against Barty and Barty was sat against the row of cupboards that lined the little industrial kitchen.

‘I’m sorry,’ Reg whispered, they knew each other too well for Reg to be embarrassed.

Evan whined in response, ‘No, shut up. I’m sorry. I scared you’

‘You didn’t. It wasn’t- Evan, it wasn’t you. It just brought back a memory yeah? Please don’t feel bad for this, please.’ Reg inhaled deeply, ‘If you want to make it up to me, then you two need to stay in here and sort your shit out’

As Reg pushed himself off the floor he noticed Bartys’ bruised throat, were those bite marks? Gods, he really was a stupid stupid man. Reg rolled his eyes, washed his face, and poured himself a glass of water. After a few minutes had passed, he breathed heavily and then straightened his spine.

‘I’m going back out the front to run my café. You two are staying here and doing whatever you need to do, to sort this out,’ Reg sighed and then added as an after thought, ‘Do not fuck in my kitchen or I will chop your balls off’

‘Okay,’ Barty said, he looked tired, ‘I flipped the sign round when I got here and told the remaining customers that you had a family emergency, so at the moment it's empty’

Reg was still furious at Barty for Evans sake so he didn’t offer a reply but he was secretly very glad that Barty had done that. Good. He took another breath, like he did every morning before work, and pushed his way out to the front of the store. He turned the sign back over so, ‘Welcome in!’ swung round to face the buzz of the street.

Reg busied himself preparing cold brew that they didn’t need and re-cleaning already sparkling surfaces. He was so tired. That was the awful truth of trauma, it never fucking left. It didn’t matter that he had been out of that house for almost eight years, one wrong movement from one of his friends and he was thrust straight back there, as if he had never left. He had left. He had. He was out. He was free in every way, apart from mental.

His phone buzzed.

{10:57}

James: Hi love, I’m okay. Nursing a little hangover and some severe self pity but y’know how it is. Misery loves company and all.

How are you?

I saw the first fall of autumn leaves today, made me think of you.

Reg let out a breath that he didn’t know he had been holding. He wanted to cry. He might cry. He angrily wiped at his face and scowled at how ridiculous he was being.

Reg: Tell me about the leaves, please?

James: Of course, they were beautiful. The wind is so cold today and it must have convinced the leaves into a ballroom dance because they were twirling around me while I stood out there rethinking every decision I have ever made. They were every shade of orange you could think of, the beginning of the end, that’s what the first fall of leaves make me think of. Time for a fresh start. A new chance.

Are you okay, love?

Reg: Oh, aren’t you just lovely?

Its been a bad morning. Not so bad anymore.

James: Yeah? Want to talk about it?

Reg: Maybe someday, not now though, thank you for offering.

Thank you for being you.

The door chimed and Reg set his, slightly cracked, phone gently down next to the till. He met the most beautiful mans’ eyes and he let a little smile slip onto his face, he was exhausted Ok, he couldn’t keep it in check. The man was wearing a knitted jumper that tucked up to just below his chin, he had a raincoat wrapped around his waist, and some loose sweatpants that had no right to look as good as they did.

‘Lemon tea?’ Reg asked, a small smile on his lips.

‘Please,’ The man looked at Reg as if he was the only person left to save him.

Reg raised his eyebrows, ‘Everything okay?’

‘I’m so severely hungover,’ the man choked out, ‘And I’m stupid, and embarrassed, and my throat hurts so bad. Could I have my tea as a takeout today, please?’

Reg nodded, he briefly wanted to pry but it wasn’t his place, he was a café owner, not his friend. Or his lover, his brain helpfully supplied. Reg huffed in frustration and took extra care in finding his biggest takeaway cup. He wrapped up a slice of spiced apple cake and a cheese and tomato sandwich and placed them all in front of the man.

‘For you,’ Reg nodded towards the food, ‘To ease the hangover, and for the record, whatever happened will pass. You’ll be okay, I reckon’

The mans smile lit up the whole room. That’s what Reg had been hoping for. ‘Oh you’re such a lifesaver. I- gods, you’re an angel’

Reg reared back at that. An angel. Well, that’s certainly not something he had ever been compared to before. He tucked the memory of this moment safely away into a pocket of his brain. Reg clocked him routing around his jacket pockets for money. He sighed because he knew exactly was about to come out of his mouth.

‘It’s on the house,’ Reg blushed a little, the man looked at him as if he wanted to eat him.

‘I can’t take something for free again, love’

Reg inhaled sharply. Love. ‘You’re a very regular customer, you’ve definitely paid for it over the last few months with the overpriced tea here’

The tea wasn’t overpriced, it was incredibly reasonable but Reg was grasping at straws. It was, for some unknown reason, very important to him that this man took his order away for free.

He let out a delighted noise and wrapped his hands around the mug as if was the only thing keeping him going, ‘Thank you, really truly, thank you. You’re so lovely’

He was looking at Reg through his pretty eyelashes and Reg wanted to crawl inside this mans chest, forever preferably. Quick as a flash, the man lent forward, closer to Reg than he should have been and waited for a minute. Reg stayed put, he wasn’t sure what they were waiting for but he would happily wait in the same space as this man for as long as needs be. He tilted forward slightly and the man kissed the tip of his nose.

‘Thank you,’ He whispered almost into Regulus’ mouth and then he pulled back and stuffed twenty quid into the tip jar.

Reg was still lent on the counter, where the man had been. His mouth open slightly as his eyes followed the man walking slowly out of the store. He had a grin so large on his face that Reg wasn’t sure how it didn’t split his face into two.

He’d just been kissed. On the nose. He had, Gods, never in his life had he been kissed on the nose. How wonderful. Yes, oh it was wonderful. His face was flushed a soft pink and a smile had glued itself onto Regs’ mouth. Oh, he was in trouble. This man was too much, so good. Too good. Reg would rot his goodness away in an instant. Reg knew he couldn’t have him. He knew that but, still, he allowed himself to fantasize for a minute.

By the time Barty and Evan had wondered back into the front of the shop, Reg had carefully designed a little box in his head to store thoughts and actions, from the lemon tea man, away. They both looked incredibly guilty. Barty had his head hung down slightly and his hands were laced together, Evan just looked exhausted.

‘I really am sorry, Reg’ Evans mouth turned down at the edges, ‘I would never- I’d never ever touch you like that. I wouldn’t.’

‘I know,’ And Reg did know. He wasn’t seeing Evan earlier, he was seeing his mother, ‘We’re okay Ev, it’s going to take much more than that to scare me away, yeah?’

Evan stepped forward and hesitantly tucked his arms around Reg. Reg kissed his hair. Evan was good, he’d taken all his bad parts and folded them into something beautiful, something that easily resembled goodness. Reg and Barty hadn’t, they had let the bad parts rot away inside themselves. Evan pulled back as Regs’ phone rung.

His eyebrows flicked up in surprise. It was James. Reg didn’t know that they just called each other now, he grinned anyways. He gestured to his phone and then stepped away from the other two.

‘Hi baby’

‘Hi Jamie, are you okay?’

‘Mhm, I’m really good. I’ve had the loveliest morning’

‘Oh. Good. I'm so glad, tell me about it?’

‘Yeah I will but I wanted to actually talk to you about how you’re feeling? I just- can I help at all, love?’

‘No, Thank you. It’s gotten better though. I saw someone that means a lot to me and they managed to make my day a little brighter. And, I get to see Alice in T minus two hours, when I close up shop’

‘Yes! Alice, oh mygoodness. Tell me everything. I must know everything about her right now’

‘Do you want to tell me about your day first?’

‘Reg! That’s so far down on my priority list when I could be learning all about my newest bestie, Alice’

‘She’s a cat, Jamie’

‘To you. To me, she’s so much more.’

Reg huffed a laugh and indulged James until he had to go back to serving customers. He smiled, between the lemon tea man, which Reg made a mental note to get his name next time, and James, he really was feeling much better. He was feeling much more grounded.

Whilst he was closing the shop up for the night, Barty was in the kitchen finishing the last of the cakes, and Evan was upstairs preparing dinner. Reg thought, he really was lucky to have this. His own little corner of the world carved out for himself and his mismatched little family of outcasts. He sent out an invite for dinner to Pandora and Dorcas because it felt wrong to be this grateful and not see those two. Evan was the glue of the group, sure, but those two were the love. The happiness. If he was a planet, they were the sun.

{22:04}

Reg: Thank you for calling me today, It really did help.

James: Good. I’m glad, love.

Do you have plans tonight?

Reg: Yeah, my best friends are coming over to stay.

Do you?

James: Nope, just blissful peace and quiet.

Reg: Enjoy your peace and quiet, Jamie <3

James: Enjoy the time with your friends, baby xxx

Chapter Text

Regulus groaned, his neck hurt, and he hadn’t had nearly enough sleep. He could hear the low hum of conversation coming from the living room, it was likely Dora and Evan, they’d always been early risers. A foot kicked him in the base of his spine and he kicked back harder. Barty whined as Regs' foot made contact with the side of his leg. Regulus rolled his eyes, of course Barty couldn’t keep his bloody limbs to himself. He slowly opened his eyes, the room was far too bright from where they had forgotten to close the curtains. Dorcas was laid with her head on Reg’s stomach and her legs splayed across Bartys’. Reg looked at the both of them and felt adoration pour through his veins, he really was lucky to know them.

He lent his shoulders back until his bones clicked and then he gently, slowly, moved Dorcas back onto the bed. She muttered in her sleep and moved her hand as if to wave him off. He kissed her forehead as he pushed up off of the mattress. He hesitated and then sloped around the other side of the bed to give Barty a kiss on the forehead too. Regs’ fingers lightly brushed the blossoming bruises that had smashed their way across Bartys’ nose and cheek bones. Barty jerked back from the touch.

‘Ouch’ He murmured, still full of sleep. Reg hummed in response and laid a soft kiss over the bruises on his nose.

If it was anyone else, Reg would be eaten alive by guilt but it wasn’t anyone else. It was Barty. They understood each other because they were each other. Two halves of the same walnut. Reg would have stood at the end of Bartys’ fist in the same way, if it would have broken him back out of the chains in his mind. They were fucked up, rotten, a darkened void of anger but they were all that, together. So was Evan. He might have twisted his feelings into the resemblance of beauty and he might have meticulously worked through his emotions, he might even be softer, kinder, better, than the other two but don’t get him wrong. He would give up his life, in an instant, for his friends. The difference is, Barty and Reg would kill for theirs.

Pandora had grown up with them all, she complimented the group in a way that no one else could. She was the magic. She kept the boys’ hoping, wishing, wanting, a better life for themselves. Her family had all but officially adopted Evan when he was thirteen and had come into school broken open from his fathers fists. She was close with all of them but she was Evans sister. Like he’d said, Evan would die for their friends but he would tear someone apart, limb from limb, for Dora. He’d loose everything for her, easily. He would happily sink back into the Rosier insanity, if Dora was threatened.

Dorcas was the last. She joined their group a little later, just after Evan and Reg began sixth form. They were drawn to each other like stars in the night. She was angry, unlovable, and outed by her friends, at the time, and Reg had walked up to the girl that had done it and spat in her face. They’d introduced her to Pandora pretty quickly afterwards and Dora taught her everything she knew about the universe. They weren’t really a friend group, they were a family. They would do anything for each other without reason.

When Reg and Barty walked out of their homes and never returned, Dora opened up her little flat in SoHo. Evan was fast to follow. Dorcas not too far after that. The five of them crammed into a one bed flat. They fell apart and put each other back together. Part of Reg would never leave his childhood home but a bigger part was left on the bedroom floor of Dora's dingy little flat in SoHo. They filled in each others broken edges with whatever they could spare from themselves. At the end of it all, Reg was a tapestry of his friends love.

His footsteps were quiet, they went unheard by the siblings in the living room. Reg took the opportunity and stepped behind Pandora, snaking his arms around her waist. She laid her hands over the top of his, squeezed them gently, and slummed her body against his.

‘Good morning my lovely little sunshine,’ Pandora smiled and begun to sway them to whatever song was currently in her head.

‘Morning’ Reg kissed the side of her face and let go, ‘Morning Ev’

‘Morning, babe’ Evan looked exhausted as he stepped forward and tucked Reg into his arms. They were the best part of the same height but Evan hid his face in the side of Regs' neck. Pandora clicked her tongue and Reg nodded his head towards the door. She stepped forward and briefly tangled her hand into Evans hair before laying a kiss at the side of Regs’ mouth.

Stepping back, she looked into Regs eyes and mouthed, ‘He’ll be okay’

Reg nodded. He knew that. Evan was just incredibly good at spiralling. He ran his hand up Evans back in a soothing manor and let him stay tucked away for a minute. 

‘It’s okay Evan,’ Reg whispered into his hair, ‘I’m safe and you’re okay’

He groaned into Regs’ neck like a frightened animal. His arms squeezed Reg so tight that Regs breathing became laboured. Gods, this happened a lot. Evan was- well, he was frightened but he didn’t know that. He hid behind his grief and guilt far too often and usually they let him because, as fucked up as it was, it brought Evan comfort. Today though, he was frightened because he thought he’d messed up with Regulus and he was scared because it was a well known secret that Evan was convinced that one wrong turn would be all it took for them to walk out on him. Barty appeared in the door way, worn out, sleep still clinging to his limbs.
Reg kissed the side of Evans head as Barty stepped forward, wrapping his arms around the both of them. He began softly whispering in Evans ear and Reg stretched his head sideways, trying to get as far from the private conversation as physically possible, whilst also having the two of them clinging onto his body.

Dorcas looked still asleep as she entered the room, Pandora hot on her heels. Dora let out a squeak and pulled Dorcas into the hug.

‘Ok,’ Reg said breathlessly, ‘Guys, please, I love you so much but I can’t breathe’

Reg inhaled most of the air in the room as they all laughed and took a step back.

‘Gods, you heavy fucker,’ Reg said to Barty, ‘You almost bloody killed me’

‘Me?’ His mouth fell open in mock rage, ‘Excuse you, you rude little fuck, I think you'll find that Evan started this’

‘What!’ Evan gasped, playing along, ‘I did not. I was having a lovely little cuddle with my darling Reg, you were the one that barrelled in like a hefty moose’

‘No, Dora and Cas did the barrelling, thanks for the insult though, baby’

‘Oi, fuck off, Crouch’

‘You fuck off, Meadowes’

‘Ok,’ Pandora giggled, her hand laying itself over Bartys’ mouth to prevent him from speaking any further, ‘That’s enough of that. Who wants pancakes?’

They all took a seat around the small kitchen island while Pandora started on the pancake batter. Reg might own a café but it was well known fact in their group that Pandora was the superior cook, she just didn’t like to do it often.

{08:05}

James: Good morning my love <3

Reg: Mhm, Morning <3

How are you?

James: Bloody tired

You?

Reg: Happy. I’m very happy at the moment.

Can you get some more sleep, honey?

James: Oh. Hi. you’re so lovely.

Reg: And you’re deluded.

James: Maybe. But I like being deluded. I like speaking to you

Reg: Shush. Shut it.

James: Reg, can I ask you a question?

Reg: You can ask, I might not answer it though

James: Okie dokie.

Where do you live?

Like just the area, obviously I don’t need your home address.

Reg: I’ll give you the county.

That’s as close as you’re getting.

Not that I don’t trust you but…

James: Yep. That seems fair enough to me (:

Reg: Surrey.

James: REALLY?

Reg: Yeah, really.

James: Me too, what’re the chances.

Reg: Okay I have to admit, that is a bit weird.

James: My friends girlfriend would tell us that that is divine intervention.

She’s into all the crystals and tarot readings and astrological meanings.

I’d say she's right.

Reg: One of my best friends is exactly the same.

I desperately want to argue with you but she's looking into my soul as if she knows what I’m talking to you about and well, maybe it is a little bit of divine intervention.

Although, we don’t know what each other look like, I could STILL be a creep.

James: But you’re not.

Reg: No. I’m not.

Regulus did not know why he wanted to reassure James into the fact that he wasn’t a creep so much. It could potentially have something to do with the knowledge that James was fit. Like, ungodly fit. Like, carved out of marble and stolen away to be stored in the V&A for centuries to come, kind of fit. Pandora chucked a pancake at Reg and it startled him out of his slightly unholy thoughts, she grinned as if she knew, of course she bloody did.

Dora slid into the last seat, grinning like the Cheshire cat, ‘Cas and I met some very interesting people the other night.’

Evan raised his eyebrows, ‘Yeah? What do you mean?’

‘Well after Barty practically got his throat chewed up and spat out,’ Dorcas began, laughing as Barty made a swipe for her, ‘I met my very lovely girlfriends' friends. Dora was there because of course she was, she knows everyone’

Dora nodded and carried on the conversation, ‘And right, get this, turns out that one of the boys had a crush on Lily, like, the whole way through secondary school. Can’t say I blame him, she is beautiful.’

Reg raised his eyebrows. He couldn’t lie, he was a little partial to drama, especially that of his friends.

‘One of them looked like you, like, insanely similar to you. Black hair, grey eyes, had an air of existential doom about him,’ Dorcas clicked her tongue, lost in the memory, ‘Actually now that I think about it, he had an odd name as well’

Evan said something back but Regulus didn’t know what it was. The entire floor had given out underneath his feet. His ears were ringing, bile was rising in his throat. Fuck. Oh, fuck.

‘Sirius,’ Reg croaked out and Bartys' neck clicked as he turned his head to stare at Regulus ‘was it- gods, was it Sirius?’

‘Yeah,’ Dorcas hesitantly replied, she could sense the shift in mood, ‘Sirius, that sounds about right’

Regulus let out a noise similar to that of a stunned animal. Everyone froze. No. How could this be happening. Divine intervention, James voice suggested in his head. James could go shove the fucking intervention up his bloody arse for all Regulus cared. Fuck. Was he even mad at Sirius anymore? So much time had past, so much growth had been done. He felt anticipation pouring down his spine, was he angry? He couldn’t tell. He didn’t think so. Sirius was here. Sirius. Was. Here. He let the thought roll around down tongue and into his stomach, ok, Sirius was here and he wasn’t angry. He was exhausted. He couldn’t do this right now. He’ll pick it apart later.

His phone alarm sounded, it broke the tension in the room. Barty reached out for him and Reg jumped backwards, ‘No. not- not now. I need to go and open my café. I’m okay. Not now’

He left his friends in his flat and took the stairs two at a time. When the hell did he stop being angry at Sirius? And why had his mind forgotten to inform him of this dimension splitting change? And now Sirius was just casually here, Bloody hell. Ok. Well, they hadn’t bumped into each other which meant that Sirius likely didn’t know about his café. That was a good thing, wasn't it? Wasn't it?

He sighed heavily as the door chimed. Gods, he didn’t need customers right now. Ideally, he needed a lobotomy instead. But the world moves on, ground breaking news or not, the sun will still rise.

That was fitting, Reg thought, because when he looked up, his eyes met the literal embodiment of sunshine. Oh, go away. Reg was certain that he was being punished for something he’d done in a past life. His mind was fried, the last thing he needed was for this man to be here right now, with his gorgeous body and pretty face, Fuck off.

Reg angrily frowned as he took in what the man was wearing and near enough, started to drool. This bloody man was wearing a very cropped t-shirt, wide leg jeans, and a flannel shirt that was tied around his bag strap. Reg suspected that he was no longer a gift from God but rather, a gift from Satan himself. He was temptation served up on a silver platter and Reg was but a mere mortal.

‘Hullo,’ He grinned, his voice scratched a memory in Regs’ brain but he had made enough discoveries this morning, he would be damned if he followed the clear cut line to the itch, ‘Please could-‘

‘Yes,’ Reg snapped, ‘Lemon tea.’

The mans grin got bigger, as if he enjoyed Reg being mean. Gods, Reg was utterly fucked. Send an ambulance, he was dying.

He stood the other side of the counter and patiently waited for Reg to make up his tea. Reg had picked a blue mug today because he knew that the mans favourite was red and he would rather chew his own face off than admit that right now. Reg spun on his heel, scowl still in place, ready to hand the man his stupid drink. And then- oh, holy fucking shit. What was that.

The tea cup dropped from his grip like a stone to water. The mans’ jeans had slipped a little bit down his perfectly carved out hips and Reg wanted to throw up. He could make out the outline of a butterfly tattoo. No. lots of people had a bloody butterfly tattoo, surely. Yes. Yes, Evan did and Barty did and Pandora did. However, his mind nagged, lots of people did not have also brown/gold skin, lots of people did not also have the body of a fucking Greek statue, lots of people were not him. 

The man was saying something, Reg knew he was, but he couldn’t look up from the tattoo. The stairway door opened behind Reg and then things really went to shit.

‘Oh, fuck’ Reg heard Barty trying to back track.

‘Barty, move out of the fucking way,’ Evan growled, pushing him further into the café, ‘What’s going on?’

Evan fussed around Reg picking up all the broken pieces of cup. Barty, Reg, and the man, all stood frozen in time, staring at each other.

‘Oh. I forgot,’ The man started, looking at Barty, he sounded distressed, ‘I forgot that you sometimes worked here, I’m sorry, I’ll just-‘

Evan froze.

Regulus unfroze.

His eyes flicked up to the mans' and then down his body, slowly. Right. Okay. He had teeth imprints torn into the side of his throat, how had Reg missed that. He- right. Barty had. Right. Barty had fucked him. Barty had fucked him.

‘Sorry,’ Regulus said, voice emotionless, ‘I apologise for that. I’ll make you a new cup of tea right away’

‘No,’ The man was verging on hysterical, ‘Sorry. No. its- actually I don’t want any. I’m okay. Thank you’

With that, he all but ran out of the café. His face white as a ghost, his teeth worrying his bottom lip between them. Reg turned mechanically to face Barty but Evan got there first.

‘You fucked him,’ Evan gestured after the man, his voice turned to steel, ‘him? Regs’ cafe man?’

Regulus wanted to cry. He wanted to hit someone.

‘Fuck this,’ Regulus snapped, ‘Fuck this so much. We ruin everything don’t we. Us three. We fucking ruin everyone.’

Reg didn’t wait for a reply. He flipped the sign to, ‘Sorry! Closed today, Open tomorrow!’ and slammed the door to the café hard enough to shake the glass. He wished it had smashed into a thousand pieces.

{10:48}

Reg: Where in Surrey do you live.

James: Right by the University. I’m a student.

What about you?

Reg let a broken laugh crawl up and out of his throat. This didn’t mean anything. That might not have been him. There’s still a very substantial chance that lemon tea man wasn’t James. That- no. That wasn’t his James. Surely not. Then why aren’t you asking him, his mind helpfully supplied.

He turned his phone off and walked. He needed to get out of his body. Fuck this. He needed a smoke and potentially, he needed to start digging a grave. He wasn’t sure whether it was for himself or Barty. Perhaps both of them, two halves of the same walnut after all. Fitting that they died together. And trust him, next time he got his hands on Barty he would be so lucky to escape with just his fucking face bruised. 

Chapter Text

James had grown up being consistently likened to the sun. His parents would say that his smile was blinding, that he was a little extra special in comparison to the other kids. His friends would cling to him for warmth, especially on their darkest days, they always said that James brightened the world up a little more. The thing that people conveniently forgot about the sun, was that the sun was burning. Sometimes James burnt, he would become volatile. Sometimes, like now, James would burn too bright. He would explode into a thousand shimmering pieces. 

James couldn’t breathe. He was trying too hard, his lungs burnt, there was a desperate need for oxygen. He was such an embarrassment. He needed to be someone else immediately. He needed to tear his body to shreds, bury whatever was left. Let him go. He needed the pain to stop, it had carved its way through his chest, his organs were on the floor. He had deep rivets down his arms and legs, he was bleeding everywhere. He couldn't breathe. He was going to die. Except. He wasn’t. He found himself stood in the back alleyway of some street he couldn’t remember the fucking name of. Gods, he felt ridiculous. He felt like the butt of a joke that he didn't understand. He needed to get out of his skin. He needed to tear himself into a billion pieces and watch himself float off into the distance. He needed. He didn't know. He didn't know. He- gods. He wished he was dead. No. He wished he had never existed in the first place. What a waste of life. 

This is what he gets for trying to get people to like him. He has always been too pliable. Too easy. Too much. It was agony. He was agony sat on the back burner, waiting and waiting for someone to light a fire and melt his skin off his bones for entertainment purposes. He wanted to be wanted so much that it had infected everything he did, every interaction he had. He felt like he had had corrosive acid poured into his veins, into his soul. He couldn’t do this anymore. He didn't want too. His hands were shaking so hard that he couldn't grip hold of his phone. His tears were begging to be let free. Gods, he wanted to be home. He wanted to be gone. Erase him from the earth, from history, from this god forsaken fucking body. Everything he had ever touched had claw marks in it. Welcome to the life of James Fleamont Potter.

He fucked up. He couldn’t quite grasp the gravity of the situation, he wasn’t really sure what his café man was upset about but he knew that he was upset, with James, with Barty. And that was enough. He hated James. He wished James was dead. Wished he was bleeding out in the dirt of some underground gutter. James’ skin began itching. It’s an ironically funny feeling, the desire to tear ones skin off, it was like his body was actually trying to pressure him into doing it. His skin itched and he needed to cut the itch out, the rot, the dirt. He was disgusting.

He tried to call Reg. He just wanted Reg. He didn’t answer.

James was already exhausted and he was forty minutes from home. He sobbed loudly and flung his hands up, hard, over his mouth. No, he wasn't going to cry in public. Could he get anymore pathetic? He couldn't stop. His fingers were digging into the skin around his mouth and he couldn't breathe. He couldn't think. Ridiculous, waste of space. His jacket slid over his arms and he buttoned it up as high as it would go, high enough to hide as much of himself as physically possible. He wished the ground would open up and eat him whole.

He was gross. He'd let himself ruin Bartys' friendships. It wasn't that he didn’t want the sex, he did, he always did and that was the problem. He loved being wanted, being needed, and he was only ever really needed when it came to sex. He liked sex, sure, but he liked people wanting him so much more.

Sirius would be so disappointed in him, he’d offered James nothing but love and this is always how James repaid him. Repaid them. Remus would have to watch James slip away again, he’d have to start monitoring where he was again. They’d start watching his medication closely, the things he was wearing, the amount of days in a week that he physically left the house. He wanted to roll over and fucking die. He was acting like a child. Pathetic. He really was a pathetic excuse for a human being.

He tried to call Reg. He just wanted Reg. Please. There was no answer. Again.

He grasped at his house keys, pushing the sharp end of the key into the palm of his hands. The tears that were sat in his eyes burnt as he finally managed to push the key into the lock. He was slipping away. In and out of reality and self-punishment. He wanted to go home. He was bloody home, so why didn’t it feel like it? The door finally gave in and James stumbled through it. His chest was heaving, his breathing was irregular and heavily laboured, it hurt, it hurt, it hurt, and his stupid shoes wouldn’t get off of his feet. He threw his bag down and pulled at his shoes, hard enough to hurt his ankles.

‘Get off, get off, get off,’ James sobbed, he was slipping backwards and forwards. In and out. What the hell was real?

A noise sounded somewhere far off in the distance and James howled in frustration and anger. He couldn’t fucking breathe. This was it, this was the divine punishment he had spent his life waiting for. He’d made a fool out of himself one to many times, whatever god was out there, was squeezing his throat. Begging him to just fucking die already. He wanted to die.

‘Oh Gods,’ Remus’ voice shook slightly, ‘Oh Jamie, hey, hey. You're okay. It's okay’

He had taken a firm grip of James’ hands to stop them carving his nails in the exposed skin of his stomach. It burnt. He was burning. James hadn’t meant too, he hadn’t, but he never meant too, it didn’t make it right. Remus wrapped both arms as tightly as he could around James' waist, pinning his arms in-between Remus’s body and his own. He was both comforting James and preventing him from causing anymore harm to himself. That's all James did, tear holes into people, ruin the once good. 

And just like that, he was gone again, somewhere horrible. Somewhere blissfully quiet. The yelling stopped, the frantic pain was sedated into a quiet hum. He could breathe for a moment. He was staring into the face of his man from the café, going through each feature that he could remember. His lovely face, his soft mouth, his pretty eyes, his slightly crooked nose, the silver scar that James had wanted nothing more than to kiss gently, the way in which his eyebrows would draw into the middle of his face when he wanted to ask James a question but didn't think it was his place to do so. 

He'd never get to see him again. 

He was punched back into his reality.

James was gagging and sobbing. He temporarily became aware of his surroundings and realised that he was laid on Remus, who was slumped with his back against the wall, his grip still iron tight around James. The horror at himself was bubbling up through his veins, he was mortified for his existence, he was- he was sick. It exploded out of him into a scream. Remus jerked back and the movement pulled James closer into his chest. James wasn't sure if it was his own heart or Remus' heart beating loudly, demanding to be heard through the haze of pain. Maybe it was both of theirs. It was too irregular to follow, too out of place to provide any calmness in the situation. 

He slipped out of it again, back to his pretty man. He reached out towards the image, just as his fingers brushed against his face, it shattered. It was just James alone, always alone. He was propelled back into reality too fast. He was so disoriented, he felt motion sick.  

Sirius was there the next time that he was forced back into the present time. His hands were holding James’ face, he was crouched at Remus’s side. James shuddered and watched the movement of Sirius' mouth, he was desperately trying to say something but James couldn't make it out. He didn't care too. His sense of reality was fading in and out too fast for him to keep track of. He hoped he was dying. 

‘Oh hi Jamie, there you are,’ Sirius' voice trembled. He had tears running down his face, his eyes were distant, he looked frightened.

James was scaring Sirius. Oh. He stopped everything. Pulled himself back inside his mind with a strength that he didn't think he had inside himself, he chained the thing inside of himself, back up. Fuck, his body hurt. He went still against Remus. Remus shuddered, his grip still iron tight. James twisted and tucked his head in the crook of Remus’ neck. The three of them sat there for a while, gasping for air, reaching over each other to make sure the others were still breathing, still alive. The silence in the house was eerie after James had stopped yelling out.

‘Jamie,’ Sirius’s voice wobbled, ‘What happened? Did someone hurt you?’

James shook his head. He supposed not. It wasn’t anyone's fault that he was like this. It wasn’t anyone’s fault that he was unlovable. He had no one but himself to blame. Sirius’ breathing hitched like he was about to start crying again and Remus loosened his hold on James, to drag Sirius in close. Sirius burrowed in between the two of them so that his back was pressed against the front of Remus and he was tucked into the front of James, his body was shaking harder than James'. They stayed like that for several hours. Laying there. Drawing whatever strength was left from each other. Well, if James was being honest, they were drawing on Remus’s strength. That was the same thing, he supposed, it was always Remus.

‘I’m sorry,’ James voice was wrecked, the screaming seemed to have torn through his voice box and shredded up his windpipe, ‘I am so sorry’

‘Shush now, love,’ Remus ran his hand down James back soothingly, his hand steady, ‘you haven’t done anything wrong. We love you so much. I love you so much’

‘I love you,’ Sirius whispered in solidarity. He was so obviously trying to stop his voice from breaking. He began begging, ‘I love you so much. Please James, please, I love you’

Sirius pulled back as much as the situation would allow for and began to gently, softly, kiss James all over his face. James closed his eyes. His body was still pressed up hard against Sirius, Remus's arms were still anchoring the three of them together. What a mess he'd made. He was going to hell for this. Sometimes, he wasn’t sure whether or not he was already in hell. Which, ok, yes that sounds dramatic, James knew that. But that was James through and through, he supposed.

After another hour ticked by until they were both convinced that James wasn’t going to do anything to himself. Remus retracted his painfully tight grip and stretched backwards. Sirius was still shaking, but it was less than before, James wasn't doing much of anything. He was exhausted. They soon found themselves in the kitchen, herded there by Remus. Sirius and James were sat at the table whilst Remus fussed around at the stove making them some pasta. Sirius’ hand found James’ and he clung on for dear life. They began and ended at each other. They were one of the same. Two halves of the same walnut. James held on just as tight.

His phone buzzed. He sighed heavily, weariness was weighing his muscles down. The aftermath was bad, he felt stupid. He felt embarrassed, he thought he was doing better. He thought that he was over this. He was doing better. He was. 

{21:08}

Reg: Jamie?

I missed two calls from you

I’m so sorry, I was going through some shit.

Are you okay?

I’m sorry

James: Yes. I apologise. I had no right to call out of the blue.

I also had no right to try and start this friendship with you.

I’m sorry

Reg: What?

Don’t you dare do this.

What happened?

James: Nothing really, I just came to the conclusion that I am a delusional fucking weirdo that can’t ever take a hint.

Reg: That’s not true.

Jamie, please don’t do this.

James: Trust me, love. I’m not the type of person you fall in love with.

Reg: Oh don’t you fucking start.

What did you say?

Oh yeah, that was it, let me choose who I do and don’t pursue.

James: I’m so tired, Reg.

Reg: Okay, baby. Tell me why?

I’m here, I’m not going anywhere. You're good, it's okay. 

James: I humiliated myself in front of someone that I really didn't want to embarrass myself in front of. and he definitely thinks I'm a fucking weirdo now and I can never go back to the café, and, it was my favourite. I seem to keep doing it, over and over.

My friends are so worried about me.

Which, rightfully so, because I just spent three hours laid on the floor with them while I screamed bloody murder because everything inside me fucking hurts so much.

Reg: You’re allowed to be upset Jamie. There's- you’re not perfect remember?

Don’t bloody spiral. I mean, you are only human, baby.

You’re lovely and gentle and soft and caring. And most importantly, you’re you.

And listen to me, the person at the café does not think anything bad of you. How could he? I'm sure it was just an emotionally intense day and you should go back tomorrow- You'll see, I promise, nothing is ruined. 

Remus placed a bowl in front of James loudly enough to startle him. Remus sighed and softly ran his fingers through James' hair. That’s how they stayed while the three of them ate; Sirius practically on James’ lap and Remus standing behind the two of them, tangling his fingers into their hair and scratching soothingly at their scalps and necks. They were all exhausted. Unfortunately, this wasn’t a new thing, James and Sirius both went through this. One day, they were doing so good, they were what people wanted, and the next, they were trapped inside their ungodly bodies, forced into praying for a way out.

The three of them spent the rest of the evening as one functioning human. Remus put a rubbish TV show on and the two of them crawled each side of Remus, settling in against his chest. Sirius pressed his nose up against James'.

‘I love you,’ He whispered against James' mouth, ‘I love you. I- Jamie, I love you so much that it hurts sometimes’

James nodded slightly, tapping at Sirius' chest, just over his heart, ‘I know, I do know. I love you’

He stared into Sirius’ eyes for a while. He couldn’t believe a god had created someone like Sirius. They might well be two sides of the same walnut but Sirius was beautiful, good, he had the potential to be something so much more than James. He was so lovely, he had an entire universe scattered across his face. Someone, James liked to think it was Remus in a previous life, had captured the stars and placed them in Sirius’ eyes. Staring into his eyes was like being guided home. 

‘I’m really tired,’ James mumbled because he knew the other two were, and he also knew that they wouldn’t admit to it first, ‘I think I’m going to get some sleep, yeah?’

‘Stay with us?’ Remus offered, kissing his forehead gently.

‘No,’ James began and Sirius whined in protest, ‘Not tonight, my body fucking hurts, I want to starfish across the bed’

He pushed up off of the sofa and smiled gently at the two of them. He loved them with every rotten edge that he had left inside himself. There was no doubt about it, they were his soulmates. He leant forward and smacked a big kiss against the side of both of their faces. He looked over his shoulder as he walked out of the room, to reassure himself that he was real and he saw Sirius climb into Remus's lap, his shoulders shaking and his face pressed into Remus's neck to try and hide the tears that James knew were falling. James didn't have it in himself to feel jealous, he didn't have it in himself to feel much of anything. 

‘Our door will be unlocked okay?’ Remus yawned as he caught James' eyes and ordered, ‘If you need anything, and I do mean anything, you will come and get us’

James nodded and stretched his neck back until it clicked. Gods, his body was hurting. He brushed his teeth and washed his face briefly, but a shower would have to wait until the morning, and then he slid into his bed. Wrapping himself into a blanket cocoon, he picked his phone up.

{Missed call: Reg}

He debated for a second whether or not he should call back. He was fucking exhausted but, well, he wanted to hear Regs voice more than he wanted to breathe. He pressed to call back. It almost rung through. His heartbeat began to speed up, he was pretty certain that Reg wouldn’t pick up. And then-

‘Hi Jamie’

‘Hi love, I’m sorry I missed your call’

‘That’s okay, I missed yours earlier. I truly am sorry, I needed to process some things on my own and I turned my phone off. Which- well, that was okay to do but I should have let you know that I was going to do that so that you knew what was going on’

‘S’Ok Reg’

‘You sound tired, baby, can you get some sleep?’

‘No. I messed everything up and my body fucking hurts so bad’

‘Did someone hurt you James? I'm not joking, I will kill them.'

‘No. Just myself. It's okay. I was being ridiculous, please don't worry. I wish you were here’

‘Me? Why?’

‘I’m exhausted, I haven't got it in me to pretend that you're not a constant point of peace in my life. I desperately want to sleep but I can’t and I just thought if you were here then maybe I could and I just- I just wish’

‘Alright then. What’s your address?’

‘What- I. What?’

‘You want me to be there, yeah? And I want to make sure that you to get some sleep, so what’s your address?’

‘Really?’

‘Yes, really. I need your address though, baby’

‘Right yes. Yeah my address okay’

If James' mind didn't feel like it had already taken a pistol whipping earlier in the day, he would be freaking out. He was kind of, at a low grade level. He was freaking out enough to put all his clothes away, or rather kick them all underneath his bed. He even managed to wrap himself in the coziest blanket that he owned. A soft smile made its way onto his scratched face, he was about to meet Reg. He was a big believer in what was meant to be would be and he hoped with his last lucky star that Reg was meant to be in his life.

{12:02}

Reg: I’m outside, baby

At least, I think I am.

Red door, yeah?

James grinned and took a deep breath. Oh well, here went nothing. He padded softly to the front door so not to wake up Sirius or Remus because he could really do with not having to explain this to them. He pulled the door open as quietly as possible and kicked his shoes, that he'd earlier ripped off, out of the way. He inhaled and stepped outside.

Everything paused. The world stopped spinning for a split second, he stumbled forward with the force of it. What the fucking fuck. James was too tired to process this gigantic mess properly. He felt a hysterical laugh forcing its way out of the depth of his body. No bloody way. 

‘Hi baby,’ The hot guy from the café smiled- or, well, Reg?

‘I-,’ James’ mouth hung open. He shook his head as if he was trying to dust off whatever was happening. This was real... right?

‘Yeah, I know,’ Reg laughed, James exhaled. This was real. His laughter was like freedom. It was like breathing after being held underwater his whole life, ‘I only figured it out this morning, you know, when you came into the café with your bloody tattoo on display’

James blinked, oh, so that's what all this had been about. Reg stepped forward.

‘I’m too fucking exhausted to process this,’ James admitted, closing his eyes briefly. Dumb mistake, he needed them open, he needed to be looking at Reg constantly. Forever. Walking the rest of the short distance he breathed, unable to comprehend his luck, ‘Oh, hi’

There wasn’t much of a height difference, James noted, now that Reg was stood in front of him and not the other side of the counter. James was perhaps an inch taller, if that. That was his last thought before he folded himself forward into Reg. Regs' arms wrapped around and met in the middle of James' spine. He laid a soft kiss on the top of his head. 

‘Hi baby,’ He whispered again, leaning his chin on the top of James' head, ‘I’m sorry for disappearing on you’

James whined like an injured animal. He didn't like that, ‘Stop apologising, please, I don’t like it’

He pulled back to look at Regs' face. From this distance he could trace the faded freckles that Reg had dancing across his nose. He could. So he did. His fingers brushed alongside his cheekbones and trailed softly to the tip of his nose. Reg was staring into James eyes, his face blushed under James' fingers. Oh. Well, James liked that. He grinned and wrapped his hand around Regs’ to lead him indoors. Into his bedroom. He pushed himself as far back in the bed as he could. Reg hesitated for a second and then he was crawling in after James. He laid down next to him and rolled sideways, gently pushing a hand into James’ hair as if he couldn't resist touching him and began carefully scratching his scalp. James groaned and pushed himself closer to Reg. Ideally, he wanted to climb inside of Reg. Reg could be his grave, 'James' last moments were happy', carved into the grave stone. 

‘We’ll talk properly in the morning, yeah?’ James muttered, sleep heavy in his voice. He knew that an actual verbal conversation was important, but right now, he just wanted to be close to Reg. 

‘Yes, baby,’ Reg smiled, curling into James as much as he physically could, ‘Get some sleep now’

‘I’m so glad its you,’ James opened one eye to look up at Reg from his position on Regs’ chest, ‘I- Mhm, you’re so pretty’

Reg let out a laugh that vibrated in his chest. It lit James' veins up, like the pretty fairy lights that Reg had in his café. James smiled, satisfied that he was the reason for the sound and he pushed his legs further into Regs’. Reg dropped his knees apart and James took that as an invite. He practically crawled into his lap. He laid his whole body weight onto Reg and then closed his eyes. Reg hummed softly against James’ hair and ran a hand under his shirt to trace patterns across his spine. James was pretty certain that he was dissolving, becoming a liquid, he was so relaxed that he felt as if he could physically pour himself into Regs’ chest and live there forever. Gods, that would make him a very happy man.

‘Sleep now, baby’ Regs voice was soft and soothing against the rawness of James' soul.

James hummed against Regs’ chest and tipped his chin up so that it was resting on Reg’s sternum. He was going to get some sleep, ok he was, but he needed to look at Reg again. He looked gorgeous, his eyes were half lidded with exhaustion that matched James's and he had a growing smirk on his face as he watched Jamie staring. Gods, James almost wanted to abandon sleep and spend hours taking him apart.

Reg raised an eyebrow, ‘Go to sleep, we need to talk first. Sleep, talk in the morning, and then I’ll do whatever it is that you’re thinking about’

James huffed out a laugh and placed his head back comfortably on Regs’ chest. One of his hands found purchase into Regs' hair and the other one was laced with his. He stretched his legs out slowly, so that Reg had time to move his around, allowing James to tangle them together. If Remus was too look into the room right now, to check on James, he wouldn't know where one started and the other ended. This moment in time will be James’ forever.

Chapter Text

Something crashed in the other room, it woke Regulus up with a start. He was taken aback for a moment, where the hell was he? His arm was killing him, he turned slowly to look at the weight that was pinning the side of him down and he let out a small puff of air. Jamie. Yes, of course. Reg briefly closed his eyes and laid back against the pillows. Relief spiralled through his body; he had James.

He had James.

This was a problem. Reg wasn’t gentle; he wasn’t soft. He was destructive, like a wrecking ball that aimed to tear everything in its path down. And James? Gods, Jamie was lovely, he was almost everything that Reg wasn’t. If James was the sun, Reg was the stars. If James was the soft breeze of sea air on his face, Reg was the hailstorm that followed. This wasn’t a fairy tale, there was no way in hell that Reg wouldn’t shred James into unrecognisable pieces. Panic began to army crawl its way into the darkest corners of Regulus’ mind.

The thing was, Reg wasn’t being self-deprecating, he did ruin things. Sure, it was a means to protect himself, but it still didn’t make him a safe person. Just ask his brother, wherever the actual fuck he was. Sirius had walked out of their childhood home at fifteen and never returned. Well, ok, maybe Reg was being cruel. Sirius hadn’t walked out of anything. He’d been beaten within an inch of his life and dragged to the end of the Black property line, all for being gay. Turned out that Walburga and Orion, the miserable sods, were okay with Regulus being gay but the heir to the family fortune? Well, that was taking it a step too far. It wasn’t like they could hide him from the political scene as they could with Reg. Sirius was their star, he was supposed to be everything they’d dreamed of, he was supposed to be theirs.

Regulus hadn’t sat around while this happened, now don’t get him wrong, there was a lot that he would have sat and watch happen but his brother dying? Yeah, dream on. He fought like never before. Truth is, he hadn’t ever really been in a fight prior to that, sure, he had slapped a couple classmates, perhaps backhanded a particularly nasty boy in his dorm in third year, but fought for his life? For Sirius’ life? Never. Sirius had barely escaped that night. Regulus had barely been kept. The issue was, there were consequences for everything. The butterfly effect. This was true in terms of his brother escaping alive, it was a transaction, his parents were excellent at that. When it came down to it, Regulus handed his life in for Sirius’s.

The night it happened, he had punched his father square in his face to take his attention from Sirius’s weakened body, he got punched back twice as hard, but he was nothing if not a man of opportunity. Sirius needed to get out. Regulus needed to make a scene. His mother stepped up to send the final blow and well, Reg was already on the floor, so he tore a chunk of skin out of her leg with his teeth. His father had gone to drop Sirius over the property line as some kind of ridiculously heinous symbolism and then he had stormed back in to take care of Regulus. It was worth it though; Regulus would do it over in a heartbeat. He just wished he had got to say goodbye.

He had always been a good child, he had good grades, good friends (excluding Barty), and a good attitude. He wasn’t great but he was good. That was enough until it wasn’t. Until Sirius was torn out of the family. Sirius was great. He had excellent grades, excellent friends; he had managed to befriend the bloody Potters after all, excellent stature; he had a way with people, it made them feel like the centre of the universe, it got political deals done quicker than Regulus could blink. Losing Sirius was like losing the entire Blacks’ future, or at least it was to their parents. They moulded and carved out the good in Regulus until he resembled merely a fraction of Sirius’s greatness. They had him cut contact with a promise of ending Sirius’ life, dare he get back in contact. They had him publicly confirm that being gay had been a phase, they had him dressed in suits. Never again. They attempted to beat stature into him, Sirius had been gifted in his DNA, and Regulus hadn’t a chance in hell of replicating it. For a while he tried. For a while he was on route to becoming almost great. He almost deserved the title of second-best. Then Barty happened.

He had wanted to annoy his parents, he wanted to be cut from their legacy and he did it using Regulus. They were closer than close, if one did something, so did the other. That’s why it felt like such a betrayal when Barty used Regulus without so much as a message to let him know. Barty was like that. Regulus couldn’t find it in himself to be overly angry because he was also like that; impulsive, twisted, cruel. Barty had been cruel. He’d told his parents that he was fucking Regulus, told them that he had fucked Regulus the night before in his parents’ ballroom, right on top of the decorations that they had set up for the following nights event. His dad went ballistic. What Barty hadn’t counted on was that his father would go straight to Orion without punishing Barty first. So, Barty hadn’t known, he couldn’t warn Regulus. He hadn’t even thought too. The rest of the story goes much like Sirius’s. To begin with, he had wanted to go to Sirius, but he didn’t even know the first place to start. Then Reg was written out of the Black fortune at seventeen and he found himself outside of Dorcas’s flat. The following story was fated in the stars.

James shifted against Regulus and the panic began to seep into his muscles. He needed to go. He wasn’t running, he wasn’t, but he needed some space. He needed to give James some breathing space, he deserved that, a chance to realise that he didn’t want Regulus.

Regulus audibly swallowed, ‘Jamie’

James cracked one eye open, staring straight into Regs’ face. A soft smile broke open on his sleepy face and Reg almost forgot what he was doing. Oh. He was so pretty.

‘Yeah?’ James morning voice did unholy things to Reg. He inhaled sharply against the blush that was threatening to appear.

‘I need to go to work,’ He leant forward and laid little closed mouth kisses against James’ face, ‘I’ll come back later, yeah?’

James pouted, ‘Ok, Promise you’ll come back?’

‘Pinky promise’

He settled himself on top of James briefly. It wasn’t right that someone was a beautiful as this, Reg realised he would spend the rest of his life staring at James if he could. He pressed his mouth up against James’ and whispered a gentle good morning before slipping his tongue in. It didn’t last long, it couldn’t. James opened his eyes, his face flushed, and his pupils blown. If James wasn’t so lovely, Reg would have held his hands up and admitted defeat. Yet, James was so lovely and so, Regulus wasn’t going to go into this head on, he wasn't going to ruin this. Not yet.

With the strength of a literal saint, he pushed up off James' bed, kissed him one last time on the forehead and jumped out of his window. Reg looked around and let a small grin slip onto his face when the coast was clear, even he had to admit, that was pretty cool. He thanked his lucky stars that he hadn't hit the floor on his face; something that may have happened when he fled Bartys’ room, once upon a time.

{08:07}

James: Alright Spiderman.

Thank you for last night <3

Reg barked a laugh and tucked his phone into his back pocket. He hummed a tune stuck in his head, on the way to work and texted Evan to come pick him up. Look, he technically did need to go to work, but he owned the bloody place, he could fit in a breakfast with Evan first. A horn sounded behind him and he spun round. His smile dropped off his face when he laid eyes on Barty. Fucking Barty.

He ground his teeth against each other, ‘What the fuck are you doing here’

‘Aw,’ Barty pouted, ‘don’t be like that, babe’

‘Don’t- don’t be like that? Barty, you fucked the love of my fucking life’

‘Yeah well, I kind of did you a favour didn’t I? Would you even have realised that you liked him if you hadn't been jealous?’

‘Yes!’ Reg stomped forward towards the car, ‘Yes, you twat, I already knew I liked him’

‘Oh, yeah well, in that case, fair enough’

Evan was watching the exchange with raised eyebrows and, Reg noted, love bites trailing down his throat. Clearly they’d bloody forgiven each other then. He reached into the car and wound a fist into Bartys t-shirt.

‘If you so much as fucking look at James again,’ Reg all but growled, ‘I will kill you. I’m not joking Barty, I will bury you’

‘Hot’

Reg punched Barty in the throat.

‘Fuck sake,’ Barty wheezed and looked at Evan, ‘Thanks for the help, babe’

‘You got yourself into this mess Barty,’ Evans hands tightened around the steering wheel, ‘By fucking someone that wasn’t me, so this is a little bit of karma, babe’

Barty threw his hands up in mock surrender, ‘Oh fuck me. Fine, whatever, I’m sorry. Get in the bloody car, Regulus’

He flipped Barty off and climbed into the backseat. Evan peeled away from the curb as they made their way to Pandoras' house for breakfast. He felt well rested for the first time in years; he hadn’t periodically woken up through the night. James seemed to be pretty good medication for Regulus. Perhaps he could spend every night for the rest of existence with James wrapped around his body.

His phone buzzed and he snapped his head up, pulling his phone free.

{08:48}

James: I’m boreeeeed

My friends are snogging in the kitchen

I just want breakfast

Reg: Poor baby

Throw cold water on them, clearly they need it.

James: I should.

I won’t, they’re sickeningly cute together.

Wish you didn’t have to work

Reg: Yeah? Why, so you can kiss me in the kitchen?

Pandora had a plate of banana pancakes already sat in the middle of her little crooked wooden table. Dorcas was seated one end and a very pretty redhead was sat holding Pandoras' hand, looking as if she was still sleeping.

‘Hi my loves,’ Pandora grinned, she loved the boys coming over for breakfast, ‘This is my ultimate love, Lily’

Barty let out a low whistle, ‘Holy shit, you’re gorgeous’

Evan hit Barty across the chest, ‘She’s also taken, shut the fuck up’

Reg couldn’t tell whether that was Evans’ brotherly protectiveness coming out or whether it was his possessiveness over Barty. He grinned. Well, this would be amusing. Reg slipped into the chair between Dorcas and Lily and took a plate of food, nodding a good morning to Lily.

‘You’re very pretty yourself,’ Lily smirked, looking Barty up and down.

Evan bristled, his arms tensing. He stepped forward, blocking Barty from Lily’s view. Lily chuckled at the movement and lent into Pandora, ‘I don’t want your boyfriend, Rosier’

‘He’s not my boyfriend,’ Evan snapped. Bartys face fell, ‘Have him, for all I bloody care’

‘Oh, yeah, that’s totally what you were saying in the car,’ Reg drawled, raising his eyebrow at Evans blush.

‘Fuck off,’ Evan chewed his lip, trying to hide his flushed face, ‘if you keep it up, I’ll give him James’ number’

Regulus pushed up off the seat and stepped forward, Evan squared up. Bartys eyebrows had practically flown off of his face.

‘Okay,’ Barty wrapped an arm around Evans waist, ‘That’s enough of that’

He began whispering into Evans ear and his body went soft against Bartys’. Regulus clicked his jaw and narrowed his eyes as if he was analysing whether there was still a need to fight. Dorcas gently wrapped her hand around his wrist and pulled him back into his seat.

‘Eat, babe’ She nodded towards his plate and squeezed his hand.

His phone lit up on the table and he snatched it away from prying eyes.

{09:16}

James: YES

YES I DO YEAH PLS

Sorry for the slow ass reply, I dropped my phone and then Remus wouldn’t bloody give it back. Apparently he wanted to know why I was so red.

Rude of him.

Reg: You’re so cute, Jamie

James: …

Can I come see you at work today?

Reg: Mhm, yep of course. Whatever you want, baby

James: <333333

Lily flicked Regulus’s ear and he jumped, hard. Dorcas and Pandora were giggling and Evan was smirking. Fuck. What had he missed. Trust his friends to not let him have any peace.

‘What,’ He said looking at each of them and twisting to face Lily, ‘What did I miss?’

She grinned, ‘Nothing important. And, don’t get me wrong, it was really lovely to meet you but don’t you actually have to work sometime soon?’

He tapped his phone screen and the time shone back at him, ‘Fuck. Yep, got to go, love you all so much.’ He tore the door open and yelled, ‘Not you Barty, you still have to win me back yet.’

He could hear Barty beginning to protest but he cut him off by slamming the door behind himself. Gods, he was going to be late. Luckily Pandora lived only a five minute walk, and a two minute run, from Regs’ café. They all lived very close to each other because they had very co-dependent friendships. Reg would never admit it out loud but he loved it, he was so grateful for the four of them and he full well knew that he wouldn’t be here without them.

As he opened the store for the morning, his thoughts fell back to Sirius. He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to go about everyday knowing that Sirius was in the city somewhere. Did he even live here or was he just visiting? Reg found himself hoping that Sirius lived here. They had only had one more interaction after Sirius was cut from the family. Two years after. When Reg had just turned fifteen, pretty much the exact age to the day, that Sirius had been dumped at the end of the driveway barely alive. Regulus was walking back from class, the previous month had been the first time that his parents had allowed him to walk anywhere alone, and his classes were merely three minutes from each other. Sirius had grabbed his wrist and yanked him into an alleyway. He had spent the following eighteen minutes begging Regulus to leave with him, to run off. Sirius was always idealistic, it was how he survived in the house, but Reg wasn’t. Regulus knew the deal he had made, he knew that if he left then his parents would drag Sirius back, he knew it was better that Sirius didn’t know that. So he’d lied, he was good at that, lying. He had told Sirius that things had changed, without him there, it was calmer, better, and worst of all, he wanted to stay. Sirius had dropped his hand like he’d been burnt and Reg supposed in a way, he had been. He stepped back and it had taken everything in Regulus to not grab onto Sirius and never let go. Then, before Reg could make a stupid decision, he pushed out of the alley and left Sirius there. Perhaps Sirius wouldn’t want to see him. Reg frowned. Maybe not, maybe Sirius was endlessly angry at Regulus. He would deserve that, he supposed.

The door chimed and Regulus pulled out his customer smile. He kicked into action and turned the coffee machine on before looking up. His eyes found James’ and he grinned, leaning over the counter as if James was the other half of a magnet.

‘Hi,’ Reg smiled, eyes flickering all around James’ face, ‘Lemon tea, love?’

 ‘Yup please!’ James eyes crinkled, it made it to the top of Regs’ favourite things about James list. He nodded his head backwards, ‘and a peppermint tea, please’

Regulus’s moved his head so that he could see who James had in tow. His mouth fell open a little bit. Good god. The man behind James was beautiful. His face was scarred, not dissimilarly to Regulus’ own, he had a chunky knitted sweater and brown slacks on. His hair was shaved short on the sides, cut into a shaggy mullet, which made Reg smile because his brother used to always want hair like that. He hoped the rest of James’s friends weren’t all so hot because he might lose his sanity a little.

He placed both cups of tea on the counter and cut two slices of his recently made orange and lavender sponge. James made a noise in excitement and lent his body over the counter to lay a soft kiss against Regulus’ mouth. Reg blushed and the man with James was watching the interaction in mild surprise.

‘Oh!’ James whipped himself round to face the man, ‘This is Regulus,’ He turned back to Reg, ‘And this, is one of my best mates, Remus’

Remus’s eyebrows had raised in response to Regulus’ name. Reg had noted it because he had been watching the way his eyes kept trying to pull James’ attention back to himself rather than Reg. Well. He didn’t like that.

‘Hi, it's lovely to meet you,’ Remus spoke softer than Regulus had expected, ‘James, we do need to go back, your parents have texted… uh, Pads, they’re on the way’

James frowned but nevertheless, he picked his tea up, and kissed Reg quickly once more. Remus waved and Regulus heard James asking something about the bizarre use of an old nickname, while they walked out of the café. He tried to understand it for a second but then dropped it. Whatever. He didn’t care to understand men, they tended to make no sense.

---

{17:19}

James: Hi babeeee

I’m going out clubbing tonight with my friends

I just wanted to let you know and let you know that you’re the apple of my eye.

Reg: Is that your attempt at reassuring me?

Have fun, baby

Be safe

James: Yep. Is it working?

Reg: …Maybe

James: Ill call you when I get home <3

Reg: Alright love, I’ll speak to you later xx

He smiled at his phone and tucked it away as he made his way over to Dorcas’s house. It was games night for his group of friends. As it was every week without fail. He kicked his shoes off as he made his way into the kitchen. Dorcas was rambling away to Evan, her movements animated. Reg wrapped an arm around her waist briefly and kissed the side of her head, she grinned in response but didn’t falter from her story. Evan nodded at him quickly before his attention was sucked back into whatever it was that Dorcas was spewing. Reg stepped into the hallway and lent back far enough to click his spine. Gods, his shoulders ached.

A heavy weight landed on Regs’ back and his legs gave way. He screeched as he hit the floor, twisting up to look at the culprit.

‘Ow,’ Reg said breathlessly, ‘For fucks sake, why are you on top of me’

‘Because you’re so attractive, I just had to jump you,’ Barty mocked him, giggling at his own joke. ‘I wanted to apologise, I knew that James was from the café, but I didn’t realise that you were genuinely into him’

Reg nodded slowly, ‘Okay. I’m still pissed though’

Barty lent forward and kissed Reg all over his face, Reg began to swat at him. His limbs were folded under Bartys' knees, so that his body was pinned tight. Barty squeezed his knees harder to make sure that Regulus really couldn’t move, and opened his mouth, ‘Fair enough, I mean, the way he sucked cock was to die for’

Reg went still. His face blank. Barty grinned like he’d won something. He was going to kill Barty. He was a dead man walking. Barty inhaled and jumped up off of Regulus, attempting to sprint towards the kitchen where Evan stood. Unfortunately for him, Regulus knew how to fight dirty. He grabbed Barty around the ankle and leapt onto his back as he hit the floor like a rock. He crawled onto him and sunk his nails into Bartys' arms.

‘Speak about him like that again, Barty,’ Regulus hissed, ‘Go on, I dare you’

Barty opened his mouth. Evan pushed forward into the hallway and shook his head at the two of them, ‘Shut the fuck up, right now. Get up, Barty’

Bartys’ jaw tensed but as always, he listened to what Evan said. He pushed off of the floor and disappeared around the corner into the living room. Regulus’ heart was beating loudly. Evan slumped to the floor, his legs tucked underneath himself.

‘He doesn’t mean it really,’ Evan sounded tired, ‘He thinks he’s losing you. He’s trying to get you to lash out so the ending doesn’t hurt so much’

‘I know,’ Reg ground his teeth, ‘But if he carries on, he doesn’t need to worry about a goodbye because I’ll fucking bury him’

Evan nodded, almost in agreement, and then he took Regulus’s hand. They sat there in silence for a while, it was comfortable. Before they knew it Pandora was yelling at everyone to get their arses in the kitchen so they could eat and start playing risk; Dorcas' game of choice. Evan squeezed Regs’ hand and pulled him up.

They made it through few several rounds of risk, monopoly, and the game of life, before they called it quits. Evan was laid out, head on Bartys lap and Barty was looking down at Evan like he was the most precious thing that had ever graced him. He probably was, Reg thought. Dorcas was leaning against Regulus, her legs stretched out towards the other boys, and Pandora was laid out on the floor. Plates were stacked by the sink and the soft hum of music was rocketing around the room. Regs' phone buzzed, breaking the quiet calmness. He grabbed hold of it and saw James’ caller ID. Pushing the way to his feet, he placed a pillow under Dorcas’s head, and walked into the bathroom at the bottom of the stairs; the furthest room from the others in this small apartment, and shut the door.

‘Hi baby, are you okay?’

‘Reg! Oh, hi, I’m so glad you answered. I’m good. So good. I’ve just about made it home and into my bed. I wish you were here’

‘I know. I know, love. Do you have some water?’

‘Water is for the weak, Reg’

‘I don’t think that’s entirely true, baby-‘

‘Say that again’

‘Baby?’

‘Yeah. Mhm, Oh, I like that. A lot'

'You're drunk. Go and get some water please' 

'I'm, like, barely drunk shush. You're pretty. Really pretty, I woke up and almost died this morning. I couldn't believe my luck, I still cant' 

'Yeah, well. You're rather lovely yourself, baby' 

'Can you come here and touch me please' 

'I-. Not that I don't want to because holy gods, I do. I do. I do, so much. But look, you're drunk and we still need to talk about everything' 

'No we don't. Well, we do. But I know I want you, even if it's just for right now. Love, come on, please?'

'You're drunk, baby' 

'Mm, I don't care. Say that again' 

'Baby'

'Oh, gods, I like you so much' 

‘Jamie, you’re drunk, this is unfair’  Reg needed to climb through the fucking phone. He was not a strong enough man for this. He could not do this. Gods. Reg shifted on his feet, side to side. He wanted to go so badly, if only James wasn’t drunk. He was not going to shag a drunk man when he was stone cold sober.

‘Please, please, Reg, please’ James whined. Fuck him. James whined. Reg was pretty certain that his vision blacked out temporarily. He needed to put James off of him, right now.  

‘C’mon Jamie, you know I can’t while you’re drunk, and I'm not even at home’

‘Please, I’ll be quick’ James’s voice dropped an octave, ‘Love, please’

Reg wasn’t sure if he wanted to astral project out of his body or crawl the whole way to James. He supposed they were one and the same. He was desperately trying to grip onto an off putting image in his mind but James was breathing heavily through the phone, against his ear, and Reg needed his skin pulled off his own body, very slowly. Fuck sake. He was shut into someone else bathroom, for gods sake. The devil was after him, he was sure of it.

‘James, listen to me, if you still feel the same tomorrow when you’re bloody sober. Then call me and I’ll be there but I can’t fuck you while you’re drunk’

He could hear James shifting around, he let out a huff of air and moaned. Reg desperately wanted to be there, Gods, he would make it feel so good for him. James’s breathing quickened in pace, and he begun to sound a little frantic.

Reg found the strength of a fucking saint inside of himself, ‘Time for sleep now, love’

‘No’

‘I- uh, No?’

Well fuck. Where did he go from here? He might have found the strength of a saint for a minute, but to be clear, he wasn’t a saint. He was a mere human. And he had James whining down the phone for him. Reg sat down on the side of the bath and took an exceedingly long breath. His cock began aching. Good god, who invented a want like this.

‘I’ll beg for you’

Reg choked on air. Oh god. Every thought went flying out of his head. Look, phone sex is fine surely. He’s not even touching James, just helping him come. That was completely different. He rolled his eyes at his own bargaining, he had a direct descent into hell for this.

‘Go on then, baby’

James groaned and shifted down the phone, ‘Regulus please. I really really need you. I feel so good and I-‘ he let out a long drawn out moan. Reg’s eyes narrowed and he clicked his tongue.

‘Are you touching yourself, James?’

‘Please’

‘I asked you a fucking question’

James choked on the sound of Reg’s voice and moaned loudly, ‘Nghh, yes’

‘Stop’

‘I can’t’

‘You can, or you won’t be getting off with me on the phone’

James was letting out breathy moans, but he did loosen the grip he had on his cock. He felt like he was fire. Like molten lava was being poured through his veins. Regs’ name was going through his head like a mantra. Holy fuck, he needed to come.

‘Have you stopped Jaime?’

‘Uh huh’

‘You need to use your words, baby’

Reg heard a long drawn out groan that went straight to his cock, ‘’I’ve stopped, please’

‘Please, what James? Don’t make me ask you to use your fucking words again’

James was practically panting by this point, there was spit running down his chin and throat. His hands were shaking from the effort of not touching himself. He felt feverish.

‘Please touch me, I- God, Reg, please. Please. I’ll be good, just touch me’

‘Look how pretty you sound’

‘Reg, reg, reg’

‘Yeah baby?’

‘Please’

‘Please, what?’

‘Let me touch myself’

‘You’re so good for me. Ok, go on Jamie, touch yourself for me, let me hear you’

Reg was feral. There was nothing else to describe the way he was feeling as he listened to James whine and moan. He certainly felt like a bit of saint for not storming across town and getting James on his knees. He felt less like a saint as he slipped his hand into his boxers and wrapped it around his cock. Look, gods, okay, he wasn’t going to come, he just needed the fucking pressure eased.

‘Tell me how you feel, baby’

James’s voice was caught up into a whine before he could speak. He felt like sin. Which was pretty fitting soon as Reg was definitely going to hell for this. James was repeatedly saying his name as one long chant, and it was getting under Regs' skin. Holy fuck. James let out the dirtiest noises and Reg wasn't there to swallow them. Why was he not there. He was getting really hot. He needed… well, he needed James on his back, begging for Reg to push into him. James was becoming frantic; Reg could hear the change in tone.

‘Are you going to come for me, Jamie?’

‘Uh huh. Nghh’

‘That’s my good boy’.

There was no describing the sound that James made when he heard that but it would be carved into Regs mind for the rest of the human existence. Reg tightened his grip on his cock while he gave James time to catch his breath.

‘Oh’

James sounded weightless, delirious even. Reg softened his voice.

‘Are you okay, baby?’

‘Uh huh’

‘I’m going to need you to use your words, love’

‘I’m good. I’m so good, I wish you were actually here’

‘I know. I’m sorry. I’m the other side of town tonight, I’ll take you for breakfast in the morning. Call me when you wake up, yeah?’

‘Yeah, okay love’

He heard James shift once more and then a light snore sounded through the phone. Reg rolled his eyes, lightly grinning. He tightened his grip on his cock and came quickly, thinking of the way James sounded, while he was still stood in Dorcas’s bathroom. What an unholy state he was in. He was pretty certain that there was a special place in hell for him, but he didn’t mind. He would take it eagerly.

Chapter Text

Regulus was currently sneaking out of Pandoras' house. Its wasn't that he technically had to, not by any means, but he desperately didn’t want to explain that he was leaving at the crack of dawn to see James. He shimmied the door closed behind himself and inhaled sharply, holy gods, it was cold outside today but that was fine. He was a man on a mission. Operation: win James over.

He slammed the kitchen door open to his café, as he balanced several ingredients from the shops in his arms. He was going to make croissants and apple spiced cupcakes. It was early and he wasn’t used to being awake at such time but look, desperate times call for desperate measures. It turned out that Regulus was, alarmingly, feeling rather smitten with James. Which made him simultaneously want to throw up and blush so hard that his face physically caught fire.

He turned the speakers on as loud as he dared at such an early hour and began mixing the ingredients together. Reg was flushed, his top covered in flour, a low grade humming was ricocheting across his brain. This was absolutely humiliating, his friends so better not find out about this. Look, he would never be caught dead doing this normally, he wouldn’t, but it was James. He clicked his tongue at that thought, as if it explained his actions. In a way, it did. James was, well, very quickly becoming very important to Reg. He shuddered slightly, he wasn’t quite sure how he felt about the whole ordeal. Having someone this special was trouble, it meant losing control. It meant that there was a new risk of losing everything.

Sure, he was close with his friends but that was different. They were like the sea, coming and going with the tide; they were inevitable. Fated to be orbiting each other. Written in the stars, according to Pandora, and Reg didn’t doubt her. Even Sirius was made from the same stardust as Regulus. They weren’t different sides of the same walnut, they were the same side. Through and through. He would have killed and died for Sirius. But James? He’s something different. He's something special, Regulus thinks he might just live for him, if he asked. And that was a terrifying thought.

Regulus wasn’t good, once upon a time he was close, but he no longer cared to be. The world was riddled with destruction so why couldn’t he join it? It wasn’t fair that he was expected to be different than the very earth that created him. He ground his teeth, hard, because he suddenly understood. He didn’t have to be better for himself or for this horrid, disgusting place, but he did for James. James didn’t deserve to live like Regulus was. He deserved softness, kindness, safety. Regulus would burn the whole fucking place to the ground if someone so much as made James frown. He would burn it, rebuild it with his own two hands, and then light it up again.

The timer sounded and he jumped out of his thoughts. Fuck. It was so early. His eyes flickered up to the clock and it was showing barely past four thirty in the morning. He rolled his neck, it's not like he enjoyed early mornings but he had promised James breakfast and he owned a bloody café, he wasn’t going to cop out and buy it. James deserved more. The thing was, whatever Regulus did, it would never be enough. He thought, he'd spend his life trying anyways, for James.

Reg slipped a take out box off of the shelf and began brewing the tea. He remembered that James liked iced lemon tea as well as hot, it was going to iced this morning because it was easier to carry. He knew he had a forty minute walk with all of the goods and he really did want to impress James but he also really didn’t want to turn up with third degree burns. He caught his reflection in the oven door and frowned. Gods. Ok, he was suddenly very glad that he’d come home because he needed to change if he wanted to make a good impression.

He snuck upstairs and swapped out his ratty cardigan and pyjama trousers for a black sweatshirt and heavily ripped jeans. He remembered to fill Alices food up and he kissed the top of her head softly, promising that he will be home later and informing her that Barty would pop in, just after breakfast, to entertain her for a while.

He dug out a rucksack and very gently placed the box containing the croissants inside, the cake box wouldn’t fit but he could hold that. He slipped the tea into the bottle holder on the side and took a deep breath. He would never admit to his friends that he had done this because it was humiliating. Him and James weren’t even officially together and he was up at the literal crack of dawn baking his favourite cake. Reg blushed. Gods. This was bad. He slipped his trainers on and locked up the café, before tucking the key into the guttering, so that Barty could let himself in a little later.

The walk was soothing to Regulus’ nerves. He figured if James thought he was pathetic for this, he could cut all contact, move to Australia and bury himself somewhere in the outback. Excellent plan. The birds were chirping, the sun was beginning to peak out on the horizon as a good luck symbol, Reg thought. And before he knew it, the ugliest bright red door that he had ever seen, came into sight. He ground his teeth and clicked his neck. He could do this. Come on. He could. Just one more step.

He hesitated for a second and then raised his fist, fuck it, he knocked in a pattern of three. The door paint was suddenly very interesting, he could make out a long scratch down the side of one panel, he wondered what had happened for that to be so vivid. Perhaps a werewolf attack, he thought and grinned at himself. See, he could be funny if he wanted to be. Gods. This had to be some kind of torture, the waiting, it had been almost seventeen hours. Or, well, fine, it hadn’t quite been twenty seconds. Still, that’s a very long time to take to answer the-

What the fuck.

The door had been pulled open and his eyes met with a mirror reflection. His face had been snapped clean of emotion, his jaw slightly slack. There was not a chance in hell that this was really happening. Or maybe there was, someone divine was certainly having him on. Watching him flounder. Taking it all away before they had really given him anything. He dropped the box that he had been so carefully holding, but that was before, he couldn’t care less about it now. He couldn’t breathe. He dared not breathe. He didn’t want to shatter the illusion.

James pushed him further out, a gigantic grin on his face, Remus pushed after him reaching out to grab James’ wrist as if he knew what was about to happen. They halted together just in front of… of… well, of Sirius. Regulus was going to be sick. He twisted around and sprinted to the bushes that lined the side of their property. The unprocessed emotions were vomited up and left Reg dry heaving, his hands were shaking. He turned back around and no one, apart from James, had moved. James looked like he had tried to step after Reg but Sirius was now clinging onto his other wrist. It wasn’t a particularly possessive gesture in itself but Regulus knew what he was doing. He was indicating that James was his. That Regulus wasn’t.

It shocked Reg to see that Sirius had changed. A childish part of himself had hoped that Sirius would freeze in time. That nothing would change until he managed to find his way home to him. His hair was long, twisted up with a pencil into a bun, some curls loose across his forehead. He was wearing a t-shirt that definitely wasn’t his, it was far too long, and he had long pink socks pulled to just below his knees. Tattoos covered every inch of skin visible on his arms and neck. He had a celestial necklace on. Reg desperately wanted to lean closer to catch a proper look, for all of Sirius’ fascination with the stars as kids, it seemed that he was now wearing a moon pendant around his neck. Sirius had his hand wrapped around James’ wrist so tight that his knuckles were white. Reg looked briefly up to James and his face was winced in pain. Reg snapped first.

“Let him go, you’re hurting him” Reg’s voice was all wrong, broken emotion stretched between the two brothers. Sirius jumped back like he’d been burnt, dropping James arm. His face began to flood with guilt.

James stepped forward, towards Regulus hesitantly, as if he was unsure whether he was allowed to. Envy flooded Regulus’s entire body. While he’d been missing his brother, it appeared that Sirius had moved on just fucking fine. James reached out and Reg stepped back, out of his grasp, panic flashed across James’ face.

“No,” James whispered, his voice too loud in the early morning breeze, “Regulus please”

That broke whatever spell Sirius was under. He shot forward and pushed an arm in front of James as if he was scared of James getting too close to Regulus. He twisted his features into something not dissimilar to their mothers face.

“Regulus. Fucking. Black. Finally come crawling back then?” Sirius hissed. His face void of emotions, just like they’d been taught. The tone of his voice gagged Regulus, it was like a noose beginning to tighten around his throat. This was all wrong. Wrong, wrong, wrong.

“Sirius,” Remus murmured, his eyes fixed onto Regulus as if he was scared that Regulus would explode any second and injure them all. Sirius whined, as if Remus’s voice was a call home that he couldn’t go to because he was too busy protecting James.

Regs’ heart dropped through the floor. Sirius had found his family without Regulus. He had the same expression that he wore when he was about to face his parents for Reg and it startled Reg backwards. Sirius was protecting what was his. And Regulus was no longer his.

“I didn’t know,” Regulus tried to sound stoic, his voice barely carried across to the others, “I- I really didn’t know”

Sirius let out a hollow laugh. James’s eyes were watching the two of them as if they’d grown extra heads, he tried going to Regulus again but Sirius tightened his grip. James looked like a trapped animal. This was all wrong. Panic was laid out on James’ face, his breathing was hitched. It was like Regulus was watching a movie through a shattered tv screen. James' face twisted into something broken when Sirius prevented him from moving forward again. No. This was all wrong.

“Let go of him,” Regulus’s voice was full of venom.

“No,” Sirius’s body was lined with tension, his hands bending into a fist. Regulus knew what he was doing, he’d seen it enough times, just never aimed at himself.

Regs’ face hardened. Fine. He could play this game too. He stepped forward and Remus matched it. His eyes narrowed, staring at Remus, trying to work out whether he was a threat or not. Sirius moved to block Regulus’ view.

“Don’t you fucking look at him. Look at me,” Sirius snapped, his voice like a graveyard for Regulus, “Leave them the hell alone”

James started for Regulus once more and Sirius pushed him back, too hard, he stumbled. Reg was there in an instant, arms wrapped around him to stop him smacking into the ground. He was staring at Sirius, his body all sharp lines and bared teeth. Fine. If he wanted a fight, he’d get a fucking fight.

“How dare you,” Regs voice was hollow, “If you touch him again, I’ll break your fucking fingers”

Sirius froze. His gaze darting between James and Regulus.

“No, no,” Sirius whined as if he was in pain, “Regulus no. Don’t. Not James, he’s good. Don’t. You’re- You’re. Not. Please don’t”

Remus stepped forward and wrapped his arms around Sirius, his face was stormy, it looked like he wanted to gut Regulus from the inside out for causing pain to Sirius. James was shaking. Sirius was moaning in pain. Regulus was going to throw up again.

He stepped back. He wasn’t stupid, he knew when he wasn’t wanted somewhere. This was all wrong. This. It was all wrong. He wanted Sirius to open his arms and tell him that he was lying, that he was sorry, that he didn’t really mean it. As Reg moved backwards, Remus stiffened like if he thought Regulus was going to head straight for them. He wasn’t. Oh, gods. He wasn’t. His stomach felt like it was ripping from his body. His mind was twisted around like a bound and gagged hostage, begging for help. This was all wrong. He wasn’t bad. He wasn’t. Was he?

He couldn’t catch his breath, someone had sucked all the oxygen out of the atmosphere, Reg was sure of it. His body was vibrating with how hard he was shaking. This was all so wrong. His eyes were fixed on the back of Sirius head, where he was taking solace in Remus’s arms. This was all wrong. He stepped back again and something squished underneath his feet. He looked down. Oh. Oh, it was James’ apple cake. He’d ruined it. That was the straw that broke the camels back. The floor rushed up to meet him as he tilted sideways. This was all wrong.

His mind felt fuzzy. His fingernails were repeatedly gripping onto the bare skin between the gaps on his ripped jeans in his thighs. They were tearing into it, ripping Regulus apart. He was gasping as if someone was waterboarding him. Hands gripped onto his face. His eyes tried to focus. The person knocked forward and began humming close to Regulus’ ear, he was being pulled onto someone's lap and they began to rock gently. It was grounding. He picked up on the humming quickly, it was a song from his childhood. From their childhood. The rocking helped him fall back into his body. He was still struggling for breath but he wasn’t on the verge of passing out any longer. Slowly, violently, he came back into himself.

Whoever was holding him was shaking so hard that Regulus was surprised that he managed to remain tucked into their lap. His face was pressed tightly against their shoulder and lavender filtered through his brain. His brother. Oh. It was his shampoo, lavender. They’d both been using the same one ever since they went to the town fete one summer holidays, when they had been allowed to visit Andromeda, just before she left the family.

It was Sirius.

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry,” Regulus’ voice was shaking, shredded raw by the lack of oxygen earlier.

“Shh, It’s okay. It’s okay, I’m sorry,” Sirius was crying. His voice in no better condition that Regs’ own.

“Sirius,” Regulus whined, his voice breaking on its own accord, “Sirius, I’m so sorry, please don’t leave me again. Please, please, please”

He tightened his hold on Reg as if he was trying to crush the two of them into one being. He was sobbing so hard that he couldn’t do much more to reassure Regulus but it was enough, it was always enough. Regulus stayed tucked away in the protective shell of Sirius’ body for what felt like years. When he finally moved his head so that he could check on James, he saw that James in an absolute state; Remus had his arms tight around James like he was restraining him from himself and James’ face was a mess of tears and pain.

He was in pain.

Regulus shot up from the floor. His teeth bared. He stepped forward, anger laced into his every movement, he was something even the Gods would be fearful of.

“Get the fuck off of him,” Regulus reached forward to knock Remus' arms away. He would claw Remus’s fucking eyes out if needs be, James whined in pain as he tilted forward to fall into Regulus.

“No, no, no,” Sirius shot forward at the same time and took his stance in front of Remus, he looked anxious as if he didn’t want to fight Regulus but he straightened his spine to make it clear that he would, “No, please, Remus wasn’t hurting him. He wasn’t hurting him, Reg”

Surprise flashed on Remus’s face and he moved his head around Sirius’ shoulder, his voice full of sincerity, he was speaking to Reg as if he was trying to calm an animal in captivity, “I wasn’t hurting him. I promise you, I wasn’t hurting him.”

Regulus’ eyes were flashing between the two of them, while James attempted to crawl into the space between Regulus’ ribcage. He tightened his hold on James and James tucked his head into the side of Regs’ neck and began to sob. Sirius was watching them with a deep interest, Remus had stepped forward so that he was leaning against the back of Sirius, half to lay a kiss on the side of his throat and half to keep watch on Regulus.

Reg dipped his hand under James' shirt and traced the pattern of the sun into his skin, over and over. His eyes never leaving the other two, uncertain if they were still a threat to him and his, or not.

After a while Sirius inhaled sharply, still fixated on Regulus and James. His voice wobbled as he took half a step forward, “James?”

James pushed himself closer to Regulus and simultaneously reached his arm out backwards, searching for something. Sirius hesitated and met Regs’ eyes, seeking out permission as to whether he could move towards James without a problem. Reg analysed him for a second and then nodded once. Sirius’s hand slipped into James’ and his sobbing softened to almost nothing.

“Right,” Remus said quickly, so not to start any of the others, “I am going back inside to put the kettle on. We all need a hot drink and some food. And then we need to talk, I think”

Sirius squeezed James hand and nodded at Regulus with a silent question, do you have him? Regulus nodded several times, he knew the importance of what Sirius was asking. He wanted to know whether Regulus understood how precious James was, whether he understood the significance of the man in his arms. And he did. He understood it almost as well as Sirius did. He took one last look at the two of them and then took Remus’ hand and followed him inside.

Regulus rocked back and forth slowly and kissed his way down the side of James' face to the tip of his nose.

“You’re safe, baby” Reg whispered it gently against the corner of his mouth, “You’re okay. No one's fighting anymore. It’s okay”

James nestled closer trying to push any existing distance away, but there wasn’t any, so it ended up moving them both backwards together. Regulus still had one of his hands halfway up the back of James' shirt, the other was slowly wrapping itself into his hair. He pulled his hand downwards so that it tilted James face back, away from Regulus. James let out a low whine just as Reg pressed his mouth to James.

It was supposed to be a soft closed mouth kiss, something to reassure James with, but James grasped onto it like a lifeline. He bit Regs’ bottom lip, Reg gasped and James took the opportunity to slip his tongue into his mouth. His hands moved from the front of Regs’ jumper to hold each side of his face, as if Regulus was the most valuable artifact that he would ever get the fortune of laying his hands on. James was walking Regulus backwards like a man on a mission. Reg let out a soft huff as his back hit the side wall of the house, out of sight of prying neighbours. Regulus pulled away to breathe, he was a little shell shocked from it, if he was being honest. The second Reg moved his head back, James latched onto his throat, kissing and scraping his teeth across the expanse of Regulus’ skin.

Regulus felt mildly ethereal. It was the only time that he had ever likened his experiences to that of holy but, well, that was James through and through. A holy experience waiting to happen, waiting for Regulus to get on his knees and pray. All of a sudden that became the most important thing to Regulus. He pushed his leg in between James’ and waited until James shifted sideways to allow space for it, he took the miniscule gap between their bodies and dropped to his knees. Fuck. He would pray the rest of his life if he could keep James like this. He didn’t care. He would spend his life atoning. Yes. Yes, whatever.

James looked down at Regulus, his eyelashes dark from the tears, his face flushed with heat. Holy fuck. James looked like a Roman God. He looked downright sinful. Reg needed him to know who he belonged too. He needed James to know that he was claiming ownership. James was his, from now until the end of human existence. He yanked James’ pyjama pants down his thighs. James pupils were blown wide. He buried both hands in Regulus’ hair and inhaled sharply. Reg sunk his teeth into the inside of James' left thigh, he didn’t want to hurt him badly, but he needed to leave obvious signs of his. James moaned in an almost feverish pitch. Well, ok then, he liked pain. Reg was going to tuck that away safely for later use. But it wasn’t about that right now, it was about making James feel good, letting him know that he was safe. He wanted James to stop having to think for a minute, let him get a break from his own head.

He bobbed his head forward and slowly licked the underside of James' cock. James tightened his grip in Regulus' hair. Fuck. It hurt so good. Reg was becoming deluded with the feeling of James, the taste, the sound. He sunk forward, taking James into his throat. James’ hips snapped forward of their own accord and Reg pulled back, meeting James’ eyes through his lashes. James let out a drawn out groan at the sight of Regulus. He licked around the tip and rolled his eyes slightly when James tried to push back into his open mouth. It was about James, though, and who was Regulus to deny him of anything. He dug his fingernails into the side of James' hips and encouraged him forward, letting him set his own pace. The sound of James was driving Regulus insane, his hips pressed forward into empty air, trying to find friction. He moaned around James, everything felt so bloody good, he had never become like this from sucking cock before. Sure, he liked it, but he’d never lost his mind watching his partner get off, but well, look, it wasn’t just anyone, it was James. James began to speed up and Regulus hollowed his cheeks, spit was running down his chin and James’ eyes darkened at the sight. He pulled Regs’ hair, hard, so that Reg was meeting his thrusts deeper. He looked divine. Holy fuck. Reg sat further back on his heels and opened his eyes wider at James, looking up at him with his eyelashes fanned out, and his eyes watering from the lack of air. James took one look, groaned loudly, and fucked in harder, shuddering. Regulus swallowed and sucked him through it.

He untangled his hands and pulled Regulus up gently. His pupils were blown, Regulus' were blown to match. He wiped the spit from around Regulus’ mouth and lent forwards, his tongue slipping in to taste himself on Regs’ tongue. Reg moaned at how unholy it was. How could one man be so holy and sinful all in one go? James pulled his trousers back up and wrapped his arms around Regulus, dipping his fingers into Regs' waistband.

Reg pulled back, his voice completely wrecked, “Not yet, Jamie. We need to go inside soon or someone will start looking for us”

James pushed his tongue back into Regulus’ mouth and then huffed, “Okay. Yes, Okay. But later I am taking my time with you”

Regulus felt the promise in his words and shivered. He pulled James back in so that their mouths were pressed together and replied to it, “Yeah, later, baby”

It took them seven minutes to pull themselves together and sort themselves into a state that didn't scream ‘I just sucked his cock, it was so divine!’. Regs’ mouth was slightly bruised but he hoped it looked nothing more than simply severely snogged. He ran a hand nervously back through his hair and laughed at the mint that James offered him. He chewed it slowly and took a deep breath. Well, it was now or never. James intertwined their fingers and gently pulled Regulus inside. As they entered the kitchen, he could see that Remus was sat watching Sirius make food, Regulus was taken aback to see the love shining out of Remus while he watched Regulus’ brother carry out such a simple task. Gods. He hoped he didn’t look at James that pathetically.

He took a seat tentatively next to Remus and James and across from Sirius. He dropped James' hand and picked up a cute frog shaped teacup, that he was secretly very pleased about.

“Thank you,” He nodded to the tea, “I’m sorry for- well, I didn’t know, obviously. That you lived here, with James”

Sirius placed the French toast into the middle of the table and James began serving everybody a plate. Remus and James were lent back slightly in their chairs as if they weren't sure whether they should be there or not.

“Yeah, well,” Sirius grimaced slightly, “I got the gist of that when you went all 'everyone dies if they touch James'”

Reg coughed but he couldn't find it in himself to be embarrassed. It was nothing but the truth after all, “Uh. Yeah, but you would be the same if it was Remus”

Sirius eyebrows shot up at that statement, “You two are serious about each other then?”

James blushed, “Well, uh, we haven't really had a chance to talk properly. We were going to this morning but, uh, yeah”

Regulus sucked in a deep breath and swallowed his pride, “Sirius. I’m really sorry. I wanted- well, I knew you were in town. Dorcas mentioned it, or, well, she mentioned seeing someone that looked exactly like you and I could put two and two together. I wanted to find you. Obviously not like this, but. But I was going to start looking for you again. I’m sorry”

Sirius tensed, “Why bother? You made it clear what you thought of me, the last time we saw each other”

“I didn’t mean it. I-. Look, Sirius, I left okay? Almost eight years ago now, I’ve been out for almost eight years. And I thought I could make it work with our parents. I thought that, well, my life for yours yeah? But I couldn’t make them happy and then bloody Barty happened and I had no choice, I had to leave. And I wanted to go straight to you but I didn’t know the first place to start looking and I knew what I had said the last time we spoke and- and. Then I was healing and it took so fucking long. And I’m still a mess, but. But- well I own a café and I have a cat. And. I'm. It's almost like we used to wish for, but. It was all that, without you, and I miss you. I miss you so much, all the time.”

Sirius let out a noise like a wounded animal, “Your life for mine? I thought- I thought it was a possibility but you were so much like them when I saw you last and. And I just thought they’d be so proud that they had managed to sink their claws into you. I didn’t. oh-“

His face crumbled and he rocked forward. Remus got up and moved next to him, crouching on the floor so that Sirius could tuck in against him.

“It’s not- I didn’t say it because it was your fault Sirius. It wasn't and it isn't. I made my choice and I have had a lot of time to make my peace with it. I would do it again in a heartbeat. I don’t mean it as an excuse, but rather, as an explanation. I didn’t leave. Not you, not really, I love you”

Reg lent forward over the table and clung to Sirius’ hand. They all stayed like that for a while, quiet, just processing everything. Then Remus slowly stood up and nodded his head back towards the door, looking at James. James stood up slowly too and raised his eyebrows at Regulus as if asking him if he wanted him to stay or go. Reg nodded, he was safe. He wanted time. He wanted to just be with Sirius for a bit.

With the other two gone, Reg slid off his chair and walked around the table. Sirius opened his arms and Reg tucked himself into the front of his older brother, that’s when the tears hit. He didn’t think he would ever get this again. This moment was one that was stolen from another timeline. Another universe. Regulus wouldn't waste the opportunity this time. 

Chapter Text

Three months passed in the blink of an eye. James couldn’t quite believe that he was real, that any of this was real. He was still seeing Regulus, they weren't dating, they figured it was best to adjust to the new situation before either of them made any rash decisions but they were still seeing each other. They’d slept together once or twice, both times following promises of the future. Surprisingly, James didn’t mind the waiting. He thought it would drive him insane but it had brought him peace instead; they weren't dating, no, but they also weren't dating other people and that was… nice. Reassuring. It was a promise of something more without the pressure of it happening right here and now.

James was in therapy, twice per week, up at the university campus in a small room adorned with two big arm chairs. He felt a bit stupid the first few times, and was almost chased off by panic the following four times but, well, he kind of owed it to them all to try. And mainly, he owed it to himself. His therapist was a nice older women, Minnie, she took none of his shit and meant business every minute of every session but James liked her, a lot. She made him feel safe and she didn’t let him slack off on progress. Sirius and Regulus were in therapy as well, together, allegedly their therapist was pretty similar to Minnie. James hadn’t heard much about the sessions, he hadn’t asked, but he knew they were seeing an older women called Poppy, she was good to them. Made them reach out of their comfort zones and was there for them when they had to face memories of abuse head on. They were getting better, lighter, happier. Don’t get James wrong, it wasn’t all sunshine and rainbows, there had been an instance just last month where someone had been flirting with Regulus and Evan at the café and James had, well, he’d slipped away for a while and come back too with his arms twisted up behind his back by Evan. Apparently James had punched the random man, which, ok sure, wasn’t great, and according to Minnie, it was horribly possessive and he had slipped away whilst it happened because he was trying to protect himself from feelings that he had deemed to be cruel. On a normal day, James would say that hitting someone for any reason was cruel. Except, he didn’t regret it, even now he couldn’t find it in himself to regret it. Plus, after the fiasco had gone down, Regulus had pulled him into a tiny office room off of the main café and kissed him hard enough to forget his own name. So. Yeah, it was worth it. He would absolutely do it again, Sorry Minnie.

Remus was still Remus. He said he would consider therapy but that he was okay not attending it right away. James thought he was afraid to address the past and, although he couldn’t understand per se, he could empathise with that. So they ticked on like a well oiled machine and took it in turns to keep a closer eye on Remus. Maybe it was time that Remus lent on James and Sirius for a while, he had been willingly giving out pieces of himself for years. It was high time that they cared for him. At first he found it overwhelming, he was used to being the carer not the cared for but, James thought he had rather fallen into it now. He walked a little lighter when James packed him lunch every morning and he smiled easier when Sirius would sit him between his legs of an evening and spend hours braiding and unbraiding his hair and joked a little more when Regulus brought his favourite peppermint tea around. Sure, they were good to him before, but they were extra-good to him now.

Remus and Regulus’ friendship was a surprise to everyone, Reg especially, their love of books and similar tv shows had set the precedent for an easy relationship but as time went on, they realised that they liked each others company too. They could sit for hours and simply just be in the quiet and this had led Remus to helping Regulus out at the café on a Saturday. Sirius was hesitant at first, Regulus being back was new, it was uncomfortable to begin with. And, well, Remus was Sirius’. Although, since being in therapy both Sirius and Regulus were discovering that perhaps they had a slight issue with being possessive. Remus wasn’t Sirius’, he was nobodies but his own. However, that didn’t mean that Sirius couldn’t love him as much as physically possible. He had taken to hanging out in the café on Saturdays, which eased his mind, and drinking endless amounts of free lemon tea and James would join him when he wasn’t at Rugby practice. Which is how they all found themselves right now.

James was panting heavily, he had ran from campus to Regulus’ café. The light was fading out of the sky quickly, the winter months were unforgiving, and James’ hands were near frostbitten. He pushed into the café with a huff of air, his jersey stuck to his chest with sweat, and his legs goose-pimpled with the cold. His shorts barely brushed to his mid thigh and he grinned as he closed the door and caught his reflection. He had a constellation of stars recently tattooed up his right calf that spiralled into a sun across his hip and poured slightly onto his stomach. He’d gotten it done six days after he had seen Regulus’s new tattoos. Remus had allegedly told Regulus about their school days and the ridiculous use of codenames. Regulus, as usual, had tucked this information away. He came to see James, under the illusion of talking about menial things, and innocently asked if he had wanted to see the latest tattoo addition. Of course, James had immediately wanted to see it, he was eager to see any part of Regulus that he was allowed to. Regulus had had a sharp grin on his face when he yanked his cargo pants as low as physically possible on his hips and pulled his jumper up. James was pretty certain that he had died and gone to heaven. Well, maybe not heaven. But he had definitely died. Regulus had gotten deer antlers tattooed in the slope of each hipbone. Fitting, he’d said, teeth sharp and eyes tracking James' movements, for you. James wasn’t an idiot, he had immediately dropped to his knees, it was for him, after all.

James threw his sports bag down in the seat next to Sirius and lent over to kiss the top of his head before turning on his heel to go and see the other Black. He took his time walking to the counter, so that he could take in the extensive cake selection. Remus was behind the till when he got to the front of the queue and James smiled softly.

‘James,’ Remus rolled his eyes, ‘You are disgustingly sweaty, ever thought about showering?’

James grinned, ‘Thought about it? Yeah. Done it? Nah, plus Reg thinks its hot’

Remus scoffed but he didn’t argue because it would be fruitless, Regulus did think it was hot. Remus thought Reg was a bit of a lost cause because he thought anything James Potter did was hot. But as his gaze drifted over to Sirius, he clammed his mouth shut. Perhaps he couldn’t talk either.

‘Lemon tea, coming right up’

‘Yes please’

Remus was rooting around in the space under the till, for the godforsaken lemon tea bags that always seemed to disappear, when the kitchen door swung open. The most beautiful man James had ever laid eyes on, stepped out.

‘Hi baby’ Regulus smiled, his eyes dropping to James' sweat soaked tshirt.

‘Hi’

James lent forward over the counter, as far as he dared, without physically drawing his legs up and clambering onto it. He blindly reached out, as if he couldn’t help it, towards Regulus. Reg rolled his eyes but stepped closer to be useful, with a fond smile on this face and James pulled him closer again. Then he placed slow feather light kisses across Regulus’ cheekbones.

‘You’re so pretty’ James breathed out against his skin in awe, he felt Regulus blush in response, exactly what he had been aiming for.

A sharp cough sounded and then Remus was winding his lanky arms around Regulus and yanking him backwards a step,

‘Ok, excellent, thank you for subjecting me to that,’ Remus pushed James tea towards him over the counter. He had put it in James' favourite red mug, ‘but your tea is ready now, so you can go away’.

James felt laughter bubble out of him but nonetheless he picked his tea cup up, winked at Reg, mock saluted at Remus, and wandered over to Sirius. He sat next to him, kicked his feet up into the chair opposite, and slouched down. He closed his eyes for a moment whilst he laced his fingers with Sirius’.

‘Mate, I love you and all,’ Sirius yawned, ‘But you’re so sweaty’

James smirked, ‘Your brother seemed to rather like it’

Sirius smacked him upside the head, ‘Shut up’

‘Sorry, sorry. I know but I was held at practice late and I didn’t want to miss out any longer than absolutely necessary’

‘Mhm, that’s fair enough’

Sirius slipped down his chair slightly so that he was mirroring James and then he closed his eyes too. They lounged in the soft glow of fairy lights, together, with their respective person the other side of the counter and it was the first time in years that the two had felt content at the same time, in the same place. The door jingled and two familiar voices entered. James grinned and opened his eyes, sitting up straighter. He met the familiar brown eyes across the room and a similar grin split open on the face of the other person.

‘Oh my love!’ The other person dramatically yelled, a few customers looking up from their early evening coffee's to see what the commotion was.

Then James was being pulled out of his chair and a body was wrapping itself tightly around his, their legs sitting low around his waist, their hands on James shoulders, keeping himself held up. James smirked. Before anything else could be said, the person was getting ripped off of James by a very annoyed looking Regulus.

‘I told you to stop fucking doing that,’ Reg hissed at him, pushing him back towards Evan, ‘For gods sake Barty’

Regulus stepped partially in front of James and raised his lip, his teeth showing in an almost primal way. Evan rolled his eyes but looked similarly possessive as he thrust a hand into the back of Bartys' shirt and pulled him, hard, into the front of his body. James knew it was a little sadistic but he loved jealous Reg. Well, he loved every version of Regulus, in every single timeline that is ever to exist. But jealous Reg was specifically attractive to him. James dipped his head into the bend of Regulus throat and bit him lightly,

‘I’m all yours, love’ He whispered against his skin before pulling back and grinning.

Evan looked ready to eat Barty alive but when he met James’ eyes, his expression cleared slightly. He offered a crooked grin as he took a seat opposite Sirius at the table. Barty followed suit and slipped into the free chair next to his boyfriend, his fingers already digging into Evans thigh. Evan rolled his eyes but widened his legs so that Barty could get a better grip and then he sighed. Evan and Sirius were soon talking about their artwork and ways to improve their final pieces, which James already thought they were the best bits of art he had ever had the fortune of laying eyes on but, he knew it was a fruitless task telling them that.

Regulus was still hovering by the table as if he didn’t trust Barty. Which, to be fair, he didn’t really trust him anywhere near James. Possessive behaviour, Poppy's voice rung out in his head. Followed by, hot, god that’s so hot, in James’ voice. He shook his head as if to empty it from thoughts and stalked his way back to Remus and behind the counter.

James watched him go and then slid back down into his seat at the table. His tea was beginning to get cold but he sipped it quietly and he grinned. Watching the conversation flow and Barty trying to remind the other two that they were incredible, 'ground breaking even', at art, whilst they ignored every word that left his mouth, James knocked his hand forward into Bartys. 

His eyes slid to James after a while, clearly being ignored was getting boring, ‘So, how are you?’

James cracked a smile, Barty and him had become fast friends following a very awkward conversation which included some ground rules from Evan and Regulus and a lot of very red embarrassed faces. They found that they were particularly similar, in a very opposite way. James played rugby, Barty played field hockey and originally they had bonded over their love of sports. Then Barty had split in front of James, following a particularly nasty argument with Evan; a symptom of his borderline personality disorder. Not unlike James’ bipolar. Then suddenly they were a lot more than surface level friends. Barty was no Sirius to James, he wasn’t even comparable to Remus but, he was something James hadn’t had before. Someone that wholly understood. James would often lean on Barty when he was feeling particularly volatile and Barty would lean on James when he could feel a split coming on. They would yell and scream and tear into themselves with each other close by, monitoring, watching, holding on, and after the first few times they became much better at communication. It was a learning process but as it turned out, Regulus and Evan wanted to help. They didn’t just want the good parts, they wanted James and Barty completely. So the four of them had become specifically close. Their friend groups had merged, in the aftermath of everything but those four? They had become something slightly different. Something slightly more.

James tucked his foot around the curve of Bartys’ calf under the table and he leant forward on his hands to watch the way Evans face became animated when he spoke about art. Evans eyes momentarily flickered to James' face and his mouth curved up at the edges, he was still speaking to Sirius but his gaze was fixated on James. James didn’t think Sirius would mind, he was pretty certain that he knew what was going on anyways, but all the same, he flushed in response to Evans attention and Evan briefly stopped talking to smirk. And then, he turned his attention back onto Sirius and began rambling again about which colours would be best to use for this background of his piece.

James looked across the café at Regulus and saw him waving his arms at Remus as if he was telling him something important, Remus was leaning on the counter with his head turned sideways to watch Regulus. As important as it looked, James was pretty certain that he was ranting about the newest episode of House Of The Dragon, that James himself had been forced to watch the previous night, because Remus had taken Sirius out on a date instead of watching the show with Regulus like he usually did.

Barty sighed dramatically at the lack of attention from anyone, ‘Jamie, do you want to come back to mine after this?’ He nodded his head backwards towards Regulus too as if to extend the invite.

‘Yeah, sure’ His eyes dropped to Evan and Evan nodded slightly to signify that, yes, he was also going to be there.

‘You’re going to cook dinner?’ Sirius lit up, breaking the art conversation with Evan and looking at Barty.

‘Well,’ Barty coughed, flushing slightly red, ‘Yeah, eventually I will’

‘Cool,’ Sirius missed the obvious signs as usual, it was endearing, he grinned, ‘Sign me and Remus up for it as well then’

It was well known in their group, that Barty was a brilliant cook. Even better than that, was the knowledge that almost every night Evan was at Bartys' and wherever Evan was, Pandora wasn’t far behind. And well, now she was a fantastic cook.

‘You might want to hold out for a couple hours before you come over,’ Evans grinned, his eyes glinting with the reflection of the lights.

‘Why?’ Sirius looked to James. And then to Barty. And then to Evan. And then he grimaced, ‘Right, yeah’

‘Unless,’ Barty sat up in his chair, moving his leg away from James' and his hand away from Evans thigh, ‘Black, there’s always room for you’

‘Ew,’ Sirius gagged, ‘Barty, for fuck sake, that’s my brother we’re talking about’

Barty held his hands up in surrender, ‘You try and offer one nice thing and that’s the response you get’

‘I’m not shagging any of you with my brother present,’ Sirius snapped and then realising his mistake, he blushed and threw up two fingers at Barty.

‘Oh? Regulus is the only thing stopping you, huh?’ Barty grinned, his smile all teeth, ‘If I’m being honest, I have always wanted to shag Remus too, he looks like he’d talk you through it’

Sirius’s eyes narrowed and James cracked a smile. Evan sighed and slummed back in his chair, letting Barty face the consequences on his own. Sirius kicked out, hard, under the table, his foot making contact with Bartys’ shin. Barty screeched loudly and tipped his chair back,

‘Maybe don’t be fucking honest,’ Sirius growled, his voice low.

‘You’re all so violent,’ Barty whined holding his shin.

‘You think its hot,’ Regulus’ voice sounded from behind James.

‘That’s true,’ Evan nodded, tracking the way Regulus slid his hands into the collar of James’ top, ‘You do’

Remus sat on Sirius lap and lent his elbows on the table, ‘Why is it that I can’t leave any of you alone for more than five minutes without somebody arguing or getting hurt?’

‘It’s your bloody boyfriend!’ Barty whined again, ‘He’s so violent all the time’

‘Well. He is a Black after all,’ Regulus said smiling, sounding rather fond of Sirius, ‘It’s in our blood, you should know this by now, Barty’

James closed his eyes while the bickering continued and he lent backwards into Regulus. He was happy. This was good. So good. Perhaps a little messy but that was James through and through, messy and unorganised. He had his best friends by his side, and he’d found home in Regulus and a little safe haven in Evan and Barty too. He was going to go home and have sex with his very pretty almost-boyfriend and his almost-boyfriends hot friends and then, his little homemade family was going to come over for dinner and eat and talk and until they couldn’t keep their eyes open any longer. He was happy. This moment, these people, this feeling, it would all be James’ forever. Always.