Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Vaggie slid back on her knees and got back up.

“Fuck, I knew this was going to happen.” Vaggie glared as she looked back up.

“Hrmh, well y’know me,”

Sallie May stretched out and cracked her knuckles. She cracked her neck and grinned.

“After what y’did ta Striker an’ everything at the Hotel, it’s been on my mind.”

“I’d be lying if I said it wasn’t on mine too,” Vaggie grimaced, “but this isn’t a fair fight.”

“Ain’t much fair ‘bout blowin’ off my head with a shotgun.”

“Point taken.”

Vaggie shot forward. Sallie May quickly shifted into a brawler’s stance and waited. As Vaggie got closer, Sallie May lashed out and launched a punch. Vaggie quickly sidestepped the attack and slammed her elbow into Sallie May’s face. As the imp staggered back, Vaggie followed up with a kick to her side.

“What did I miss?” Moxxie asked.

“Not much, they’re still kicking the shit out of each other,” Blitzo munched on a corncob.

“Where did you get that?”

“Over there.” Blitzo gestured vaguely.

“Blitzo, that was fer the hogs,” Millie stared at him.

He paused and looked at the half-eaten corncob in his hand.
With a shrug Blitzo continued to eat it.

Vaggie yelped as an elbow smashed into her empty eye socket.

“Ah, Fuck!”

She staggered backwards.

“Fuck that hurt!”

“Well duh, y’got a big ass open spot to attack.”

As Vaggie looked back up, she barely dodged another strike to her face.

“I thought Angels were invincible,” Millie stated.

“Turns out you can still hurt them, but you need Angelic Steel to kill them.”

“Especially if you attack her eye socket.”

Vaggie caught the punch and responded with a vicious headbutt. Sallie May staggered back, blood fountaining from her nose. Vaggie quickly moved in and followed up with a flurry of blows to her face and stomach.

“Exorcist training must have been rough,” Moxxie winced.

Sallie May’s hand shot out and jabbed three of her fingers into Vaggie’s empty eye socket. She twisted her hand and yanked hard to the side.

Vaggie screamed and was taken off balance as Sallie May continued to pull. The imp began to hammer the right side of Vaggie’s face until Vaggie hit the ground.

“That’s it then,” Blitzo tossed the apple core away.

“Ain’t over until one of them gives up,” Millie glanced over at Blitzo, “an’ stop eatin’ the hog slop.”

Vaggie groaned and held her hand over the eye socket. Sallie May stood over her, a grin on her face.

“Say it.”

“No.”

“C’mon.”

The imp placed her foot over Vaggie’s neck.

“Say it.”

Vaggie looked up and muttered something.

“I can’t hear you?”

Vaggie muttered again.

“What?”

“I said, I’m sorry.”

Vaggie’s free hand shot up and into the leg of Sallie May’s pants.

“What are y…”

Sallie May’s eyes widened in horror as she felt it.

Vaggie grimaced.

“You said, anything goes.”

Vaggie yanked hard. The sound of ripped flesh was heard as pulled her hand out of Sallie May’s pants. A moment passed.

Then another.
Blood started to saturate the crotch of Sallie May’s pants.

With a scream, Sallie May fell to the ground, holding her groin.

Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie all winced.

Vaggie sat up and looked at what she was holding; a metal piercing embedded in a hunk of bloody flesh.

“Oh shit,”

“No fucking shit! I think you ripped my dick in half!”

“Fuck, we need to get her to a hospital!”

“Fuck, why would you go for that? I didn’t try an’ rip your asshole out!”

“You kept going for my eye socket! That fucking hurts!”

“Both of you shut up and get her into the van!” Blitzo yelled, “Christ on a stick, I can’t believe I have to be the fucking adult in the room.”

Chapter Text

“Hey, I’m gonna go get lunch, alright?” Loona called out.

“Oh, we can go get lunch together!” Charlie called out.

“No, sorry, I promised I was going to meet up with someone. Next time though, I promise.”

“Alright…” Charlie sighed.

Loona slipped out the door and made her way to the gate. She paused for a moment and watched as another fluffy hellhound trimmed a hedge.

“Hey Tuff,” she waved.

The Hellhound glanced over and nodded.

——

She had been keeping this a secret from Charlie.
Not necessarily out of embarrassment, but more because she knew Charlie wouldn’t approve.

But she couldn’t give it up.

She nodded at the sinners that passed by.

The Cannibals waved back.

Cannibal Town.

Loona used to hate Cannibal town. She thought they were just a bunch of inbred fucks who would have chowed down on her the moment she showed any sign of weakness.

But Charlie had managed to rally them to the Hotel’s defenses and they had died in numbers to protect the hotel….

And get a full belly of holy flesh.

In the aftermath, they were still on good terms with the Hotel and Charlie. Rosie opened her doors for the two if they needed any help.

So here she was.

She waved at a couple as they walked by.

Again.

The door jingled as she walked in. The shopkeeper glanced up.

“Yer late.”

“Did it start yet?”

“Naw, R-“

“Oh there you are!”

The two glanced towards the speaker: Rosie walked up to Loona and patted her head.

“Loona! So glad you could join us today!”

“Hey Rosie. Wouldn’t miss it.”

“Now, I know you’re eager and everyone is waitin’, but…”

Rosie paused and looked over the Hellhound.

“You know what you have to do first.”

“I know…”

“Follow me darlin’.”

——

“This thing is always so hot,”.

Loona tugged at the collar of the dress: a high-collared navy Edwardian era piece.

“Aw, nevermind that hon, you look lovely as always. And this time we remembered to leave enough space for your tail.”

“I’d rather let it out,”

“Come now, that’s no way for a lady to dress. Although…”

Rosie paused and rubbed her chin.

“We can see how it looks the next time we have one of our little get togethers. And I suppose you’d rather be the one wearing the pants on your next little outing with the Princess.”

“You heard about that?”

“Oh Loona, please. All the girls and guys saw that. And besides, romance is something of my specialty.
You are gonna take that girl somewhere nice? And I don’t mean one of those little nightclubs I read about in the paper.”

“We’ll figure something out.”

“You could always invite her to the next supper, darlin’. I’m sure the girl would love to have a fancy meal with you.”

“Probably not like this,”

“Well….”

Rosie shrugged.

“She doesn’t know what she’s missin’ out.”

Rosie opened the door and two entered the banquet hall. Cannibals in their fancy dress mulled about, some in discussion, others eating, and even more in line to get food.

“What’s on the menu today?”

“Well, today’s chef was a fine young gentleman from the Pacific. Set up a traditional feast, but some of our younger members also used to have….Luau Parties? Must have been a thing after I passed. Oh there he is!”

Rosie waved and a tall, broad shouldered cannibal dressed in an older 19th century suit came over to the two.

“Hey Auntie!” The Sinner embraced Rosie and kissed her cheek.

“Oh Kai, you charmer you.”

The sinner released Rosie and turned to face Loona.

“Howzit, I’m Kai.”

“Loonaaaaa-?”

Loona was cut off as Kai embraced her and kissed her cheek.

“Oh don’t worry about that, he greets all the women that way.”

“Sorry yeah? Dat’s jus how I was raised.”

Kai released Loona.

“Now Kai, you should be more respectful. Loona here is dating Princess Charlie Morningstar.”

“Oh. Ah, sorry yeah?”

“It’s fine,”

“Now Kai, why don’t you tell her abit about today’s meal?”

“Kay den. So, I wen do one more traditional kind, yeah? Get the whole body, put’em in one Imu, lettem’ go all day, so gone be perfect. Soft yeah?
I also get couple of legs, I wen chop’em up, use long pork from annuda guy an’ make laulua.
Get lu‘au stew, get blood stew, wen try do lomilomi style with the salted meat, but kinda eh on dat, get poi, rice, bone meal bread.
Wen try make kulolo and stuff with blood, so we see how much dey like’em. Also get fresh fruit, but dey probably not going to eat’m.
Some expensive too.”

“Sounds different.”

“Shoots, go try, yeah?”

Kai laughed and walked off.

“You understand anything he said, darlin’? Been trying to work on his enunciation, but it’s a hard time comin,” Rosie sighed, “but he’s a hard worker and if the folks like this meal, we’ll probably add him to the chef cycle.”

“I think I figured out some of it.”

“Well, you best get goin’ before they eat all of it.”

——

Loona was on her third plate.
The green mush he had called lu‘au was ok: plant mush flavored with salted meat and coconut milk.
The grey mush he had called poi wasn’t anything interesting.
The bonemeal bread was good, so she was going to have more of that.
The raw, salted meat tossed with oils and spices was good.
She wanted to try the other one, but couldn’t eat onions.
The laulau was delicious: fatty hunks of meat steamed and cooked to perfection.

Even better was the cooked meat. He had called it kalua and Loona went over to the platter;

An entire roasted angel, most of the meat already gone from the body. The head and wings had been removed: Kai had roasted the head separately and served it to Rosie as a special meal. The wings had been cooked and shredded to make something he called “Angel Long Rice”.

Loona had no idea why it was called that, it was just angel meat and noodles with broth.

The cooking method was delicious and left the meat with a smokey flavor.

A different flavor than the BBQ that the Sawyers had made last month.

Loona reached out to grab the tongs as another hand reached for it at the same time. She stopped and glanced at the other person.

“Hey Susan.”

“There you are, Girlie,” Susan greeted her.

“What part you want?”

“Gimme the rump. Good eatin’ there. Don’t really care much for the rest of the boy’s food, but he makes a damn good barbecue.”

“Yeah,”

Loona reached out and tore off a generous chunk of the angel’s buttcheek and placed it on Susan’s plate.

“More?”

Susan just shook her plate.

“How are things goin’ with you and Miss Fancypants? You know you could do better than her skinny ass.”

“You know, things are great.”

Loona places another hunk of meat on Susan’s plate.

“More?”

“Nah, enough for now. You outta take the rest of that before someone else gets it. And come back to my table, we got a lot of shit to talk about,”

“Alright, gimme a moment.”

Loona picked up the rest of the meat from the buttcheek and placed it on her plate.

“You want a drink, while we’re up?”

“Nah, I told the guy there better be another glass of sherry at my table before I get back or I’ll get him good.”

Loona laughed and followed the old woman back to her table.

Chapter Text

She sat up and checked the clock.
The alarm hadn’t gone off yet.

She had to be quiet. Careful.

Her clothes were laid out already and she quickly changed.

The backpack was already packed up and ready to go.

After a moment, she slipped out of her room.

“Miss Octavia.”

She nearly jumped out of her skin. She spun around and looked down at the imp butler.

“Ah, Owen, I-“

She was cut off as he held out a paper bag.

“I packed you some snacks. Don’t stay out too late and make sure Miss Vaggie covers up the van.”

“….Thanks. As alway.”

“Better to spend time with your friends than to be holed up all by yourself all the time.”

Owen paused.

“Even if they are unusual.”

“It’s not unusual.”

“Madame, you’re friends with an assassin and a farm girl imp down in Wrath. It is unusual for your status.
Have a nice day.”

Without another word, Octavia slipped away.

“….on the other hand, that’s still two more friends that her father had,”

——

The van came to a halt and The door opened inside. A short succubi waved back at Octavia.

“Hey girl! Remember me? From the Verosika concert?”

“I think?”

“Milky! One of her dancers? Told you we’d wait until you’re eighteen?”

“…oh.”

“Don’t worry, I don’t bite.”

“Stop creeping her out.” A Hellhound stuck her head out from the backseat.
“Hey, I’m Loona.”

“C’mon, let’s go!” Someone from the front seat groaned.
A cyclops sinner stuck her head out of the window.

“Hey, Octy, get in an’ let’s go.
Name’s Cherri Bomb.”

“I…”

“Hey Tia,” Sallie May stuck her head out from the backseat, “c’mon, let’s go.”

“….this is a lot of people.”

“It got out of hand,” Vaggie complained from the driver’s seat.

Without another word, Octavia climbed in and took a seat next to Milky.

“…so, uh…”

“Vaggie’s bodyguarding the Boss and we’re hanging around now,” Milky stated.

“Vags buys explosives from me. Damn good customer an’ Hellraiser.” Cherri grinned.

“We fought the Exorcist together,” Loona said, “and Cherri dragged me along.”

“Damn right I did. C’mon, gotta do something fun. Princess is gonna have us do charades or old fogley shit.”

“….seriously?” Milky and Sallie May asked.

“Charlie wants…wholesome, nonviolent stuff.
Well, as nonviolent as we can manage.”

“That’s no fun.”

“The other Hellhounds kind of like it. Except Mari, but she’s kind of an asshole,” Loona stated.

“Right cunt she is sometimes.”

“…sorry,” Vaggie apologized.

“It’s fine. She does her work, even if she’s a dick about it,”

The van grew quiet again.

“So what’s your deal?” Loona asked.

“Me?”

“Milky and Sallie May know who you are.”

“I….” Octavia trailed off.

“You want me to say it, Octavia?” Vaggie asked.

“No. My dad is fucking Vaggie’s boss. I met Sallie May because Vaggie invited me to a Verosika Mayday concert and Milky tried to flirt with me.”

“In my defense, I thought she was eighteen.”

Loona and Cherri stared at the Goetia heiress. After a moment, Cherri laughed.

“That’s fucking hilarious, that’s what it is.”

“She left out the fun part,” Milky laughed, “but I’m only telling that part if she’s ok with it.”

Octavia pulled her hat down.

“Urgh.”

“I’ll take that as a yes!” Milky laughed.

“I drank too much and threw up all over Vaggie. In front of the stage.”

Cherri laughed harder.

——

The gun range was supposed to open for anything.

Which is why Cherri was in the middle of a screaming match with the range owner.

“YER FUCKIN’ SIGN SAYS ANYTHING! EXPLOSIVE ARE ANYTHING!”

“I know who you are, you dumb bitch, and if you think I’m going to let you blow up your shit in it here you got another thing coming!”

“Fine! Fuck!”

Cherri stomped off and pouted at a table in the corner.

“Is she..” Octavia trailed off.

“She’s proud of what she’s got,” Loona stated, “let her be. She’ll either get over it and join us or blow this place up.”

Loona paused.

“Or both,
Can’t discount that.”

Milky screamed as the gun smacked her in the face and knocked her backwards.

“Told you ta make sure you had a good grip,” Sallie May shook her head and picked up the gun.

“Well, I didn’t think it was going to have that much of a kick! Fuck, they make it look so easy in the movies.”

Milky sat back up and pointed a finger at Vaggie.

“She fires her fucking gun one handed, I figured I could too.”

Vaggie said nothing as she fired both shots one handed and paused.

“I got a lot of practice.”

She motioned for Octavia to come over.

“Right, so safety first for you.”

“Nobody else did.”

“I’m still fucking pissed and I throw explosives all the fucking time, I don’t need shit.”

“I have them,” Loona gestured.

“Don’t need’em.”

“I look stupid in them,” Milky huffed, “Gimme the shotgun, I bet that’ll be better.”

“It’s better for you, you’re the youngest.”

Octavia begrudgingly took the safety goggles and earmuffs and put them on. Sallie May picked up a rifle and gestured for Octavia to come over.

“Pretty simple. Keep that thing pointed down the range an-“

She was cut off at the sound of the shotgun, followed by the sound of Milky hitting the floor. The gun flew out of Milky’s hands and hit the floor. A moment later a hole appeared in the wall next to Cherri.

“An’ don’t to that. Vaggie, you wanna take over?”

Vaggie slid next to Octavia as Sallie May checked up on the succubus.

“I told ya to keep it to yer shoulder.”

“I DID!”

“Right…adjust this a bit more…bring in your elbow a bit…stand a bit wider. If you’re too narrow you’ll end up like Milky….
There.
Try to remember how this feels. Aim at the target….
Use the sights. We might have to adjust them for you, this is just a practice shot.
And don’t jerk the trigger. Squeeze it gently. Relax, take a breath and…”

Vaggie stepped away.

“Go ahead.”

Octavia paused, took a breath and slowly pulled the trigger.

The bullet tore through the bullseye on the dummy’s head.

“I got it!”

“Great shot!” Vaggie smiled and nodded.

“We’ll make a sharpshooter out of you yet!”

“Nice.”

“That’s not fair!” Milky huffed.

“Try again.
Just work the bolt and go again.”

Octavia adjusted her grip on the rifle and paused.

“Like this?”

Octavia awkwardly worked the bolt and slammed it shut.

“Yeah, now remember everything you did the first time.”

“Right.”

Octavia adjusted her stance and aimed again. After several moments, she pulled the trigger and hit the target in the middle of the dummy’s torso.

“Want to try another gun?”

“Can I try the assault rifle?”

Octavia turned around, rifle up. Vaggie, Sallie May, Loona and Cherri all hit the floor.

“…oh. Shit, sorry.”

Octavia quickly turned back towards the range.

“Let’s start with something else a little easier to handle.”

“Try this.”

Sallie May popped back up and held out a pistol.

“Blood Eagle. Gotta helluva kick to it, but it’s fun.”

“….where did you even get that?”

“Girl’s gotta have some secrets.”

Octavia placed the rifle down and took the handgun.

“Safety’s on, so let’s get you ready for this….square yer shoulders. Turn a bit more…bit more.
Adjust yer feet… alright, be ready this does have a kick ta it.
Aim…
Alright, just turn the safety off and give it a go.”

Octavia pulled the trigger and squawked as the kick sent the gun flying out of her hands. It hit the floor and went off again.

“…Damn, didn’t think it was that shitty,” Sallie May sighed, “Guess I gotta give it back.”

“…sorry.”

“It’s ok, no one was hurt,” Milky stated.

“You shot the guy at the other end of the range in the leg,” Loona gestured.

“No one important was hurt.” Milky quickly corrected herself.

“…there’s a bunch of guys with their guns heading this way.”

“She’s the one that stole it!” One of them pointed at Sallie May.

“Is this where you got it from?” Vaggie turned to look at her.

“That’s a secret. And you can have it back.”

The imp kicked the gun across the floor.

“Overpriced piece a junk anyway,”

“Junk? Junk!?!”

Vaggie glanced over to Loona. The two nodded. The two glanced over at Cherri and nodded.

“Fuckin’ Hell, I came ta blow shit up, and I’m starting with you cunts!”

Cherri yanked something out and hurled it at them.

Sallie May grabbed Milky, snatched up another armful of handguns and made a break for it. Vaggie grabbed Octavia and followed behind.

“I knew this was going to happen,” Vaggie grumbled.

Something exploded and rocked the building as Loona grabbed Cherri and ran.

“How about two for the road, schlangers?”

Cherri laughed as she hurled two handfuls of explosives into the gun range.

As Sallie May kicked out the door, the building exploded.

“Who has the keys?”

“Vaggie.”

Vaggie shot ahead of the two and made it to the van. She shoved the key into the door, yanked it open and chucked Octavia into the passenger’s seat. The teenager landed with an awkward squawk as Vaggie got in and started the van. Sallie May chucked Milky through the open window, and opened the side door. She tossed the armful of guns into the seat and got in. Loona yanked open the back door of the van and chucked Cherri in. She hopped in after and pounded on the side.

“Go!”

The wheels of the van screamed as it took off. Cherri leaned out of the back and hurled another explosive at the burning wreck of the building.

“FUCKING TELL ME I CAN’T BLOW SHIT UP!”

Loona grabbed Cherri by the collar and yanked her back in.

“Fuck, Charlie’s going to kill me.”

“Y’think one of these fancy guns will make her feel better? Carmine crafted revolver.” Sallie May held out the gun.

“Please get off me,” Octavia grunted.

“Sorry.”

Milky awkwardly scrambled into the second row of seats.

“…..well, that went to shit. Who wants lunch?”

Chapter Text

“I look hideous.”

Sallie May looked in the mirror: an uncharacteristic dress.

“Not ta mention this thing makes it awkward to tuck.”

“Sallie May, ya told me you got this date because y’sent her a dick pic. She wants ta see what her packin’.” Millie countered.

“Then I ain’t wearing this.”

“Well, you gotta wear something nicer than yer usual getup.”

“She oughta know what she’s getting into.”

“I mean, she does,” Vaggie stated.

“What’d’ya tell her?”

“Farm girl, family person, likes Cuddling, blood, violence, Murder, hiding dead bodies, woodcarving,” Vaggie listed them off as she counted on her fingers, “oh, and Earth Westerns.”

“Well, looks like y’laid me out bare then,” Sallie May huffed.

“Don’t worry, she’s probably just as worried as you are.”

——

“Has she stopped screaming?” Coco asked, pillows clutched to the side of her head.

“What?” Apple gestured to the earmuffs she had on.

“She stopped like two hours ago,” Milky yanked their protective gear off.

“Is she still in bed?”

“Yep.”

“Are you sure it’s just not being muffled by the blankets?”

“Just get in there.”

Milky grabbed the two by the front of their shirts and dragged them into the room.

“We’re coming in! No excuses, we’ve all seen you naked!”

“Fuck, Milky, seriously?” Coco complained.

The three stood in the doorway and stared at the bed: a bunch of blankets were bundled atop the bed.

“She mummified herself.”

“Kiki? C’mon girl, you gotta get ready.”

A noise came from beneath the blankets.

“Was that a no?”

Another noise.

“Fuck, pull her out.”

All three stuck an arm under the covers, and felt around for her.

Apple closed her hand around something and made a face.

“That better not be what I think it is.”

“I got her!”

With a yank, Milky pulled a dildo out from under the covers.

“…..”

“Oh for fuck’s sake.”

Coco yanked the blankets off the bed and revealed the still-clothed Kiki laying in the fetal position.

“Kiki, girl, what’s wrong?”

“Put the dildo down, you know where it’s been,” Apple said, disgusted.

“Fuck, I haven’t been on a date since…since before I joined the crew.”

“You've met people since then!”

“It’s all just casual sex bullshit, not…not this!”

The other three succubi looked at each other.

“Stop over thinking it. You’re getting dinner, drinks and dick, right?”

“At least two of those.”

“….oh shit, this is an actual date date,” Milky realized.

“We’ve been saying that this whole time, you dumb fuck.”

——-

There she was.

“Just breathe, you got this.”

She took a seat at the bar next to her and coughed.

“Howdy.”

Kiki turned to look at the speaker: a tall imp, hair dyed black, roots still visible.

“Sallie May, right?”

“Y’must be Kiki. Buy you a drink?”

Kiki held up the glass and finished it.

“You can get me another one,”

“Hey, whatever she’s drinkin’ an’ a whiskey.”

——

“They’re doing good so far.” Coco stated.

“I can’t believe the two of you talked me into this,” Apple shook her head.

“We just want to make sure this goes well.”

“You think Vaggie would set her up with someone bad?”

“No offense, but she kills people and hangs around the boss’s Ex. I do think she’s…odd.” Coco stated.

“I trust her, but I want to see what happens,” Milky stated.

—-

“Ok, they’re doing good,” Millie stated.

“I get the feeling you don’t trust me.”

“What I don’t know is yer taste in women,”

“Millie, she’s my friend, I wouldn’t try and set her up with anyone I didn’t trust.”

Vaggie paused.

“Also, your sister is the one that sent the dick pic that set this all off.”

“She sent it ta you and you showed it ta someone else,”

“That’s…look, it doesn’t matter how it happened.”

“Stop jabberin’ an’ lemme watch.”

Vaggie groaned and looked away from Millie.
She froze as she made eye contact with Apple.

“Shit.”

“What was that?”

“Nothing, just keep watching. Be back in a minute.”

Vaggie gestured to Apple and the succubus nodded in agreement.

“Hey, gotta go to the bathroom, let me know what I missed.”

Apple slid out of the booth as Vaggie left her table. The two made their way to the back, away from everyone’s view.

“You gotta get out of here,” Vaggie stated.

“Why?”

“I told you, Sallie May had a sister.”

“Right.”

“Her husband is the one you guys…assulted.”

“The…”

Apple trailed off.

“The crazy bitch who said she was going to rip Milky’s head off and use it as a toilet?”

“Yeah.”

“And you didn’t say anything to us?”

“I told Kiki. I didn’t think you guys were going to be here.”

Apple sighed.

“Let’s just go back and make sure they don’t see each other.”

—-

“-An’ I said, Oatmeal? Are you crazy?”

Kiki laughed. Sallie May smiled.

“Oh that is a good one.”

“Yeah, well, I go-“

“YOU!”

Glass shattered, people screamed and the sound of chairs being smashed came from behind them.

“….So, I didn’t mention it because it was going to kill the mood…” Kiki trailed off.

“REMEMBER WHAT AH PROMISED YOU?”

“Yer friends followed ya.”

“Yep.”

“I know my sister followed me.”

“I assumed.”

“Vaggie mentioned what happened ta Moxxie.”

“I didn’t penetrate.”

“But the succubus gettin’ throttled did?”

The two spun around in their chairs to look at the scene. Millie had Milky in a chokehold. Apple and Coco tried to yank the succubus out of the imp’s grip, while Vaggie tried to pry Millie’s arms open. Other patrons cheered and whooped at the scene in front of them. Kiki facepalmed.

“Y’wanna get out of here and grab a bite ta eat?”

“Sure. I got it, you cover dinner.”

Kiki placed some money on the countertop and the two got up. The two slipped out of the bar and made their way down the street.

“So whatcha in the mood for? Uncle Sawyer’s Bar-B-Q Hut is the only decent joint in Pride…unless yer thinkin’ of something more fancy.”

“Oh Satan, no, barbecue is great. It’s my cheat day.”

“Well, we oughta make sure we do this again on a cheat day…I mean, if we do it again.”

“Oh believe me. I saw what you have and I tell you what…”

Sallie May grinned as they continued to make their way down the street.

Chapter Text

“Why the fuck would you take a mission to here?”

Vaggie swore as she pulled her coat tighter around her.

“Christ on a Stick, I’m freezing my little red cock off! Where’s this thing supposed to be?”

“Th’ client said it was near the research station.”

“Th-th-that research station?” Moxxie pointed at something in the distance.

The group followed Moxxie’s finger: a single building, its door ominously blew open and shut in the wind.

“That…that can’t be good.”

The group made their way towards the research station, guns out. They stepped through the door to find a massacre: bodies killed off in gruesome and violent ways.

“What happened here?”

“These guys were torn to shreds, I’ve seen Wrath beasts less brutal than this!”

A roar echoed through the room as they all looked around.

“Vags, you look around to see if there’s anything here. M&M, let’s kill that thing.”

Blitzo and Moxxie scampered off. Vaggie closely inspected one of the bodies.

“…wait.”

She grabbed the severed arm and inspected the wounds carefully. Punctures. Jagged bites.

After a moment, she realized what it was.

“Oh no.”

——

“Look!” Moxxie pointed at a figure atop a glacier:

A blood splattered Penguin.

“Drop him!”

Moxxie opened fire and blew the penguin’s head off.

“Shit.”

More penguins appeared on the glacier.

“Oh shit, that’s like, more than ten.”

“Maybe they’re-“

Millie was cut off by an explosion. Penguin parts and guts rained down on them. The imps turned around to see Vaggie, shotgun in one hand, another explosive in the other.

“Get inside! It’s fucking penguins!”

*SLURS!*

The penguins charged forward as Vaggie hurled the other explosive at them.

“Vags, what the fuck!” Blitzo yelled at her as they ran inside.

The group pushed a bunch of heavy furniture in front of the door. Vaggie blew off the heads of some penguins and reloaded.

“Moxxie, keep shooting! Millie take this,”

Vaggie tossed her spear at Millie. She caught it and decapitated a penguin.

“How do you know what these are?”

“They’re penguins! They’re assholes!”

*SLURS*

“Tu madre chupa pollas de osos polares en el infierno!” Vaggie yelled back as she shot another Penguin.

“Now would be a good time to use the crystal to get us out of here, Sir!”

“Fuck, give me a moment!”

Blitzo awkwardly rubbed and gestured at the crystal as the others held off the penguin colony.

“What’s the hold up?” Millie yelled.

“It’s this stupid wrist crystal! I can’t get it to work!”

“It’s from Lust! You gotta be gentle with it!”

“I’m not good at this shit!”

“Use your tongue!” Millie and Vaggie yelled at the same time.

Blitzo awkwardly licked the crystal as Millie skewered another penguin. Vaggie paused to reload and glanced back at Blitzo.

“How are you bad at this?” Moxxie asked.

“I’M A TOP, MOXXIE!”

“Por el amor de Dios….”

Vaggie reloaded and grabbed Blitzo’s hand. He paused in realization at what was about to happen.

“No! I’m your father, you ca-“

Vaggie began to lick and caress the crystal. Everyone in the room came to a sudden, uncomfortable stop.

Moxxie and Millie exchanged awkward looks.

Blitzo looked away from Vaggie.

The penguins all stared at them, uncertain of what to do.

A portal appeared and Vaggie stopped.

“Fuck, Verosika told me you sucked at oral, but I thought she was being an asshole,” Vaggie wiped her mouth.

“Oh, like you know what you’re talking about Vagina.”

“She doesn’t complain about me,” Vaggie stepped through the portal.

“WHAT?”

“Let’s go!”

Millie and Moxxie grabbed Blitzo and jumped through the portal as the barricade gave way and the penguins swarmed the research center.

Vaggie yanked out another explosive and hurled it through the portal.

“SLURS YOURSELF!”

Vaggie screamed and flipped off the penguins as the portal closed.

“…I didn’t know you spoke penguin.”

“Elective course.”

“I didn’t know you went to School.”

Chapter Text

Vaggie stepped out of the portal. She gestured with the Asmodean Crystal on her wrist and chatted away on the phone.

“Blitzo, I got this. You just enjoy the show with Moxxie.
What do you mean it’s about people getting AIDS? Look, gotta go. Business time.”

Vaggie hung up and glanced at the house.

“Here we go.”

Her wings unfurled and she landed on a tree branch near the window. She glanced through the window and spotted the target;

A chubby woman sat in front of a computer screen, oblivious to everything around her. Cat ear headphones sat on her head and made her oblivious to the noises around her. Vaggie glanced down at the paper in her hand: Emberlynn Pinkle.

“Easy.”

Vaggie opened the window and slipped into the room. Her spear appeared in hand and she positioned herself to run the woman through.
She thrusted forward, and the spear hit an invisible force field. Vaggie continued to move forward until she smacked into it.

“Fuck!”

The fallen Angel rolled backwards and her spear clattered to the ground away from her. Vaggie yanked out her shotgun. She fired twice, only for the shot to bounce off the force field and obliterate the demon goat plush to Emberlyn’s right. She gasped in shock and spun around.

“Who…who are you?” Emberlynn asked.

“No one important, it’s just business,”

Vaggie pulled out her other shotgun and opened fire. The shot bounced off the force field and annihilated a jar partially filled with liquid and a toy horse.

“….how are you doing that?”

“It’s official merchandise for “Akuma no Otto”. It’s the pendent given to Setsuki in episode 5-6-9 that protects the wearer from…”

She trailed off lost in thought as Vaggie reloaded both shotguns.

“Are you a demon?” Emberlynn gasped.

“….yeah, sure, whatever.”

“You’re obviously here to take a little kitten like me back to your master to be part of his demonic harem! Blushes.”

“Que Carajo?”

Vaggie glanced around the room: posters, books, body pillows, art, figures all based around the same thing.

“….You’re one of those.”

“Who knows what sort of things your demonic lord will have me do for him? Corrupting an innocent young lamb like myself!”

“I’m a lesbian, Jackass.”

Emberlynn paused, and thought it over.

“I can still work with this. Obviously, you are here to corrupt me!”

“….how do you function?”

“What’s your name? Or what do you wish for me to call you, Mistress?”

“…I’m going to regret this. It’s Vaggie.”

Emberlynn threw herself against her bookshelves and gave Vaggie what the fallen Angel could only assume was supposed to be a seductive look.

“What do you plan on doing to me, Vaggie-Chan?”

Vaggie winced.

“Nothing, as long as you have that thing on.”

“GASP! So sudden, so straightforward! But I have no choice!”

Emberlynn began to remove her sweater.

“No, you dumb bitch, the pendant! Fuck, keep your shirt on!”

“Oh, I’m starting to not feel like myself. Are you putting some kind of spell on me, you succubus?”

“I’m just standing here.”

“If you say so Mistress, I mean…Mommy.”

Vaggie winced.

“But when I look into your eye, it’s like I have no control…no! That must be the reason for your limiter! So that you can finally break my will with what you have sealed under there.”

“My limiter?….No, I don’t have a fucking eyeball because someone ripped it out of me.”

“…..that’s kind of hot.”

“What is wrong with you?”

“You brute! That’s no way into the heart of a pure maiden!”

Emberlynn ran over to her computer and began to type away furiously.

“De todos los estupidos imbeciles con los que he tenido que lidiar…”

“Gasp! What sort of dark incantation are you trying to cast on me so that I follow you to the depths of Hell?”

“It’s Spanish, you unbelievable shit for brains!”

“…..I knew Mrs. Cornholio was evil.”

“Look, Puta, I was hired to kill you. You were a bitch to someone online, they’re dead, now they want you dead.
It’s a stupid ass reason, but we get paid.”

“You…you want to take me down to Hell so we can be together forever?”

Vaggie paused and thought it over.

“….you know what, no. Fuck. That amount of money is not worth this. Fuck.”

Vaggie put both shotguns away and waved her hand.

“Where is it…”

“I’ll see you in Hell, My Love!”

“Wait, don’t-“

Before Vaggie could finish, Emberlynn ran herself through with the spear. Vaggie winced as the woman fell over dead.

“….I need a fucking drink.”

Vaggie stroked the Asmodean crystal with her fingers and vanished through the portal.

——

“Hey, yeah, I’m calling on behalf of IMP. She’s dead. Send us the money. Thanks, bye.”

Vaggie hung up and downed the shot of tequila.

“I’M HERE, VAGGIE-CHAN!”

Vaggie looked out of the window: a three-eyes cat-like Sinner with tiny wings waved up at her.

“How the fuck did you find me?”

“The billboard!”

“Fuck, I thought Blitzo got rid of that.”

“Now we can be together forever, my Dark Seductive love!”

Vaggie got up and walked into the office. She dialed a number.

“….Hey, yeah, it’s me.
I’m cashing in my favor.”

——

Charlie and Loona watched as the new Sinner ran around the hotel, excited at her new surroundings.

“….Fuck, I didn’t realize Vaggie hates us this much,” Loona grumbled.

“I’m sure we can get something figured out. Once she gets settled in, we can-“

“GASP! Is this my demonic Tumblr Sexyman?”

“Charlie, what is this harlot?” Alastor tried to shake Emberlynn off his leg.

“….look, we have to at least try.” Charlie sighed.

Chapter Text

“Who the fuck is that?” Blitzo pointed.

“His name is Kat. He’s a friend. Works for Verosika.”

“Hi!”

“Ok, but why is he here?”

“Vaggie owes me a favor.”

“And he wants to join us for a mission or two.”

“…can you shoot?” Moxxie asked.

“Kind of.”

“Can ya stab?” Millie asked.

“…I guess?”

“Well, whatever. Vags, give him a gun and a knife and make sure he doesn’t hit any of us. We got a lot to get through tonight.”

——-

Vaggie patted Kat on the back as he threw up again.

“Christ on a stick, it wasn’t even that gruesome of a kill,”

Blitzo looked back at the scene behind them: dead bodies everywhere. Some maimed, others intact, a bisected corpse laid under an overturned truck. Another car sat upside down and on fire. Even more cars were piled up behind them in various stages of destruction.

“Fuck, this is some real Final Destination bullshit, Moxx.”

“I thought the tire was a more reliable target than the engine.”

“Is this normal?” Kat asked as he wiped his mouth.

“Kinda.”

——

“Fuck!” Blitzo rubbed his shoulder, “fucking nicked me, you stupid walking dickbag.”

“I panicked,” Kat apologized, gun still in hand.

“But I hit him too!”

Moxxie and Millie hit the ground as Kat gestured with the gun.

“Put it down! Fuck, don’t ya know anything ‘bout gun safety?”

“…oh shit, sorr-“

The gun went off again.

“Oh Shit!”

Millie tackled Kat to the ground and knocked the gun out of his hand.

“How the fuck are you this stupid?”

Vaggie facepalmed.

“I fucking told you the rules. Fuck, how are you worse than Milky?”

“What, you gonna drag another bag of holes to our next mission?”

“Fuck, no. She can’t shoot a gun without falling over.”

“Well, we only got one more thing to do, so tell him to keep it together.”

—-

Kat screamed and ducked under the table.

“Don’t be a pussy! Target rich environments, even someone with shitty aim like you should hit something!”

Blitz ducked under the table to reload. Moxxie Picked off two of them as Millie chopped off a head. The head landed on the ground in front of Kat and he screamed.

“Neo Nazis! Hate these assholes!”

Vaggie ran one through and pinned him to the wall. She opened fire and blew the head off of another one. Moxxie opened fire and killed another one.

“Look, you’re the jackass who wanted to tag along.”

“I didn’t think it would be like this!”

“I kill people for a living! What the fuck did you think it was going to be like!?!?”

The dead body of a fat Neo Nazi broke the table and pinned Blitzo to the floor. Kat ran out from undercover and tried to push the corpse off of Blitzo.

“Don’t worry, I got y-“

Someone kicked Kat in the head. The incubus was knocked back and skidded away. He sat back up, clutching his head.

“Ah fuck!”

Kat pulled out the handgun and fired blindly. A moment later a dead body fell on top of him.

“Oh, hey, good job there,” Millie kicked the corpse off of him, “first kill, how d’ya feel?”

“I think I’m gonna be sick.”

“Breath through yer noses it’ll help.”

With a laugh, Millie shot towards the next Neo Nazi and chopped him in two.

——

IMP surveyed the room: dead bodies everywhere, some peppered with bullets, others dismembered, and severed body parts everywhere.

“Good work as usual. And what do you think of what we do?” Blitzo turned his attention to Kat.

“I think I’ll stick to dancing.”

“I told you this was a bad idea.”

Chapter Text

“Please?”

“Charlie, I said no.”

“Please?”

“No!”

“Now what happened?” Octavia asked the others.

“Princess found out about the feral transformation,” Mari stated.

“The what now?”

“Show her, Koda.”

The Hellhound rolled his eyes and vanished into a swirl of white energy. As the energy cleared, a large fluffy white hound stood there.

“You can do that?”

“Yeah, most Hellhounds can.”

Mari vanished into silver energy and a large Maltese hound appeared where she was.

“…huh.” Octavia looked back at Loona and Charlie.

“And she just found out about it?”

“Most Hellhounds don’t use it.” Koda transformed back into his normal form.

“She still lived with her for years,” Octavia continued.

Koda and Mari shrugged.

——

“It’s personal.”

Loona placed her glass down.

“I figured.” Octavia stated.

“I never showed her the human one either.”

“The what now?”

“Hellhounds have three forms. Our normal form, human and Feral.”

“…can I see the human one?”

“….no.”

“Didn’t hurt to ask,” Octavia shrugged.

“Look, for me it’s….it’s personal. I have used it, but I only use it when I’m alone. I know what Charlie wants to do with it.”

“What’s so bad about that?”

“…I turn into this kickass wolf and she wants to cuddle with me?”

Octavia shrugged.

“She wants you.”

——

Loona closed the door behind her. Charlie laid face down on the bed. She briefly glanced up and laid her face back down.

“Urgh.” Loona rolled her eyes.

A moment later something crawled onto the bed and laid next to Charlie. The Princess looked up and saw the giant wolf nuzzled up to her. Charlie squeed and embraced Loona from behind.

“Oh my Dad, you are so fluffy,”

Chapter Text

“Ok Stolas, if you’re going to be our new receptionist, we need to teach you how to fight.”

“….I don’t see how those are connected, Blitzo?”

“Sometimes clients ain’t happy with our work, or the target comes back to seek revenge, and that whole thing,” Millie stated.

“It’s more of a protection thing, your highness.”

“I know how to fight, Blitzo.”

“Stolas, the last time I saw you fight, you were getting your ass kicked and I had to shoot her with a rocket launcher.”

“To be fair, it was Lute. She was Adam’s second in command.” Vaggie added.

“Look, you mostly used your powers to fight, right?” Blitzo asked.

“Yes?”

“Then we ought to teach you how to do things without them,” Vaggie stated.

“As a precaution. Not to mention, most imps hate you for being a Goetia, so you might have to fight them too,” Moxxie added.

“We’re going to start with something easy. Hand to hand combat!”

Blitzo gestured to the practice ring. Millie sat inside of it and grinned.

——

Millie leapt off the top ropes and elbow dropped Stolas.

“This is easy!?!” Stolas screeched.

“C’mon, Yer Highness! Y’watched the Pain Games every year!”

“I barely paid attention!”

“Sir! Watch out, she’s going for the Pandemonium Crab!” Moxxie yelled.

“The what?”

Stolas shrieked as Millie flipped him over and pulled on both of his legs.

“….You know, I think this was a mistake,” Blitzo crossed his arms.

“Using Millie was a mistake,” Vaggie agreed.

Millie quickly switched positions and before Stolas could recover, she lifted him into the air and suplexed him.

====

“Right, so they did teach us basic unarmed combat,” Vaggie glanced over to Blitzo.

The imp flashed her a thumbs up.

“So I’m gonna teach you a bit about that.”

“No wrestling moves?”

“No.”

—-

Vaggie ducked up the feeble punch and moved to the side.

“How am I supposed to learn anything if you keep avoiding me?”

“No one is going to just stand there and let you hit them.”

She dodged again.

“And more importantly, if they overextend, you can…”

Vaggie swiftly moved in and fired an uppercut.

“Counter attack!”

Vaggie quickly moved back and put distance between them. Stolas collapsed face first on the mat.

“Oh shit,”

Vaggie ran over and flipped him face up.

“He’s breathing.”

“Great fucking job, Vagina.”

====

Stolas sat on the stool, tissue stuffed awkwardly up his nostrils and all four of his eyes were black.

“Ok, so let’s work with something that Isn’t going to end with you bleeding all over the floor.”

“Blitzo…maybe we should take a break, I don’t know if he can even see.” Vaggie stated.

“What? No, he’s fine, right?”

Blitzo held up three fingers.

“How many fingers do you see, Stolas?”

“….seven?”

“….shit, yeah, let’s take a break for a day.”

=====

“Alright, now that you can see and shit, let’s move on to plan b.”

Blitzo tossed a sword at Stolas, who barely managed to catch it.

“….Blitzo, is this a real sword?”

“What? Yeah, of course it is.”

“What if I hurt someone?”

“You’re up against Vaggie and Millie. I gave them fake weapons.”

“At the same time?!?!”

“No, we’re starting with Millie again.”

“Don’t worry, this is made outta paper mache or something. Can’t hurt you,”

——

Stolas blocked the strike and put distance between them.

“I have to admit, I’m quite rusty.”

“An’ I’m goin’ easy on ya.”

“Well then, you ought to at least tr-“

Stolas was cut off as the blunt edge of the axe smashed into his face.

“And that was the’ wrong thing ta say.”

——

Vaggie dodged the attack with ease.

“I fought you before, how are you doing this?” Stolas asked.

“We fought once. I was on the defensive and didn’t want to hurt you. And you had your powers.”

Vaggie ducked under Stolas and swept his legs with the back of the spear. As Stolas crumpled to the ground, Vaggie disarmed him and held the dull spear tip at his throat.

“I don’t have a reason to hold back, and this is training.”

“….this is very different from what my father had them teach me.”

Vaggie moved the spear away and offered a hand.

“Fencing and fighting are two very different things.”

Stolas took her hand and she pulled him back to his feet.

“Ready to keep going?”

“Just not the face.”

=====

“Now I understand why you love these things so much!”

Stolas laughed as he continued to fire twin pistols down range at the target.

Every shot missed the target.

Blitzo facepalmed as Vaggie shook her head.

“At least he’s enthusiastic?” Moxxie shrugged.

“Let’s replace the target with a picture of his wife.” Millie suggested.

“I got a better idea,” Blitzo grinned and turned to Stolas as he reloaded.

“HEY STOLAS! PRETEND THAT TARGET IS YOUR EX-WIFE’S FACE!”

The bullseye exploded as Stolas emptied two magazines into it.

“Christ on a stick, we can work with this.”

Chapter Text

She was waiting.
They both knew what would come of toknight

The blind lustful passion that the two of them longed ror with every fiber of their beings.

Their ranks in the hierarchy of Hell didn’t matter. All that mattered was when they saw each other tonight.

——

She had faced many dangers from the untamed streets of Hell, to the horrors of the Orphanage. Even after Lucifer, the Lord of Darkness and High Scion of Sin and saved her from an untold fate and gifted her to the Princess of Hell, there was always the fear of being left behind and abandonded.

At the hotel she had met others: The ravishingly handsome Alastor. The seductive whims of the Adult Entertainer Angel Dust. The calm and sexily voiced Husk. Niffty.

But none of them could compare. None of them could quench that fire that burned within her.

The battle for the hotel against the forces of Heaven had ended in their victory and with that she could finally claim the one prize that eluded her for all of this time:

The heart of her love.

“Christ, this kid’s a moron.” Angel Dust shook his head.

“Keep going, it’s going to get to the spicy part,” Mari sat next to him, tail wagging.

“Fuckin’ hilarious.” Cherri laughed.

With their love proclaimed and accepted, it came to the next step.

She knew she had to prepare herself for this. She had prepared herself. She had bathed tonight-

“Does she not think we bath all the time?” Mari asked.

“Maybe she thinks you’re like regular dogs.”

“Fucking racist.”

She had bathed tonight and combed her hair. Not an easy task for any Hellhound, but one she knew she had to do.

Her Princess would have expected nothing less.

The scents of the finest perfumes and shampoos clung to her furs and-

“I can’t imagine Loona using perfume,” Angel shook his head.

“Perfumes suck. Skip ahead.”

Angel flipped a couple of pages and looked ahead.

“Here we go.”

She had been in the Princess’s chambers before. But always as a friend. A coworker. An associate.

But never as a lover.

The Princeaa of Hell sat on the bed. Her hair was loose and long. The lingerie clung to her body, accenting her curves.

Loona had seen this all before, but not like this.

The smell in the air was intoxicating: the scent of comfort, lust and love.

She hungered for it.
She lusted for it.

And now it was all hers.

“Loona,” the princess whispered seductively.

She had said her names so many other times: as friends. I’m agner. With sorrow. With annoyance.

But it was the first time she spoke her name with lust. Desire.

Love.

Sh-

“Are you getting hard right now?”

“It’s a natural response!”

-She felt the soft embrace of her arms. The entozicating smell of the princess in her nostrils. The warmth of her body.

She had been held before, but not like this.

The princess brought her face closer to her and the two locked lips in a pas-

“How do Hellhounds kiss anyway?” Cherri asked:

“Awkwardly,” Angel and Mari responded in unison.

The saliva trail glistened in the light of the room. The princess tasted like apples.

“Loona, please…I want you. I need you,” the princess greedily moaned.

She started from the top. The Princess shuddered and gasped at the warmth and feel of Loona’s tongue on her skin, th-

“Wait, does the princess have skin or fur?”

The three sat there and thought it over.

“I assumed it was skin,” Angel shrugged.

“I think it’s skin too.”

“Pale ass skin,” Cherri stated.

“Cherri, you are just as pale as her.”

She let out a sharp, short gasp as the warmth of Loona’s tongue traced her nipples. The princess pulled her in tighter, as she felt the warmth of Loona’s breath on her bare breast.

“Ah, not there!” Charlie relied breathlessly.

She ignored her as she dragged her tongue down her breast and down her stomach. The princess gripped Loona’s fur as she felt her hot breath on her-

Someone snatched the tome out of Angel’s hands. All three looked up as the real Loona snarled at them.

“Oh come on!” Angel groaned.

“C’mon! It’s fucking hilarious!” Cherri laughed.

“Can we just finish it? Please?” Mari begged.

Loona said nothing as she stomped off and went to her office. She locked the door behind her and settled into her chair.

After a moment, she opened the book and began to read.

Chapter Text

“You know, we don’t have to do this,” Verosika said.

“Ver, this is like the fifth time you’ve said that, it’s fine,” Vaggie stated, “I’m going to have to meet them eventually.”

“Did Blitzo say anything?”

“He just started laughing and wouldn’t stop.”

“….Fuck,” Verosika rubbed her forehead.

“They can’t be that bad.”

“Who’s the closest thing you’ve had to a dad?”

Vaggie paused.

“I guess Blitzo. And Adam. And maybe Uriel.”

“The archangel?”

“Uriel is like, the dad that always disapproves of what you’re doing. Adam was like the dad who tried to be cool and likable, but was just an asshole hiding it. And there’s Blitzo.”

“….what about maternal figures?”

“….I guess the Archangel Cassiel, but she’s more like a grandma than a mom. Sera was pretty distant from us.
….i guess I really only had sister figures.”

“Huh.”

The two came to a stop.

“Last chance to back out.”

“How bad can it be?”

—-

The door opened and something engulfed Verosika.

“There’s my little girl!” A nasally voice beamed.

“Mom, please. C’mon…”

The succubus let go of her daughter and looked over Vaggie:

She was thick. Curvy. The sweater she wore only made her look bigger and curvier. Her skin was a slightly darker shade of pink than her daughter’s was, and her greying hair was tied up in a bun.

“And this must be the new girl! I’m Verosika’s mom, but you can just call me Meganatha. Or Mommy. Come here Maggie!”

“Actually, it’s-“

Vaggie squeaked as Meganatha embraced her. Vaggie found herself engulfed in the soft, warm hug and-

“Mom, fuck. She can’t breathe.”

“Oh sorry, Sweetie. Not used to that, hmm?”

Meganatha let go of Vaggie. The Angel gasped for air as Verosika rubbed her shoulders.

“Well, when you’re ready, Dad and Grandpa are eager to meet her as well! In an appropriate way, since you know.”

Meganatha slipped back into the house.

“You ok?”

“Your mom is so soft.”

“….really?”

“Sorry.”

“She’s a hugger. Dad isn’t.”

“…when you get older and Milfy, are you going to be like that?”

“What the fuck, Vags?”

“Sorry. It’s just….boobs.”

Verosika groaned and facepalmed.

——

Vaggie could only stare at him:
A thickly built and muscular incubus sat in his chair. His head was was blocky and his hair was perfect, along with his neatly trimmed and bushy mustache.
He wore a flannel shirt and had a glass of alcohol in his hand.

“Dad, this is Vaggie. Vags, this is-“

“Ronson Mayday. Her father.”

“It’s nice to meet you, sir.”

Vaggie offered him a hand. The incubus stared at it before taking it.

“….You have a hefty grip there, Vagatha. What do you do for a living?”

“Murders and Assassinations. Some bodyguard stuff.”

“Hrmh. A Good line of work.”

Ronson pushed a full glass of liquor over to Vaggie.

“Have a drink.”

“Thank you, sir.”

Vaggie took the glass and downed it in one go.

“Well, she’s certainly more impressive than the last guy you brought home,” Ronson chuckled.

“Ok, I’m here, where’s this new broad the kid brought in?”

A short, squat, balding and nearly spherical Incubus waddled into the room. He barely came up to Vaggie’s cheast and wore thick glasses.

“….shit, she’s a flat as a board! Ver, I thought you knew better than that, y’gotta get big tits or a big fat dick and she ain’t got either.”

“Grandpa, no.”

“Dad…dad, please,” Meganatha sighed.

Ronson just sighed.

“She ain’t got an ass either! I mean look!”

Verosika’s grandfather slapped Vaggie’s ass with one meaty hand.

“See? No-Oh Shit!”

He tumbled to the ground as Vaggie kicked his legs out from under him and jammed her shotgun into his face.

“Let me make it clear, I don’t care if you’re related to her. Touch me again, and I’m blow your fucking hands off, Comprende?”

“….I like her, she got moxie,” Verosika’s Grandpa chuckled.

“Is that a Carmine gun?”

“Double barrel, single action. Angelic steel.”

“You’re a girl who knows her guns,” Ronson nodded.

“Well…yeah, one of my coworkers is really into it.”

“Can you get offa me?”

Without another word Vaggie tucked the shotgun away and got back to her feet.

“A little help?”

“No.”

“Dad, you can get up on your own,” Meganatha sighed.

With a grunt, Verosika’s grandpa got back to his feet and took a seat at the table.

“So, we all saws it on the news, you’re some kinda angel, right?” He asked.

“….Yeah.”

“Ver, what’s it like sleepin’ with the enemy?”

“…it must be good if she’s still doing it after the trial.” Ronson chuckled.

“Dad!”

Vaggie just blushed.

“Oh, it’s alright, Sweetie,” Meganatha patted Vaggie’s shoulders.

“We’ll get a chance to know each other really well.”

Chapter Text

“Glad you agreed to help me with this,” Blitzo stated.

“It affects both of us,” Verosika stated.

The two continued down the hallway.

“Why the fuck would you sell that?” Blitzo asked.

“Pop star. Corporate will slap my face and name on almost anything and people will buy it.”

“Almost?”

“I drew the line at a McMammon’s tie-in meal. They really thought my regular meal was a triple patty McMammon’s deluxe with double fries and a small diet soda.”

“….Seriously?”

“My cheat meal has double onion rings and a medium regular soda. Fuck, if you’re gonna do a cheat meal, go all out.”

“Fair.”

“Anyway, shit like this sells. They should these little standees of me and the sluts with a little pole so you could spin them around like stripper.”

“….Huh. Wonder if someone would buy one of me.”

“Doubt it.”

Verosika paused.

“Maybe Stolas would.”

“I’d buy one of him.”

The two came to a stop outside of the apartment.

“Stolas? What’s wrong?”

The former Goetia sat outside of the door, head in his hands.

“I can’t stand it, Blitzo.”

“Hey, look, it’s been rough, but it’s only been two months since-“

“No, not that. I can handle that. I’m adapting to that.
It’s….It’s the other thing.”

“…oh.”

“Its eyes follow me around the apartment. No matter where I go I can feel it staring into the very core of my being.
I can’t handle it.”

Stolas began to sob into his hands as Blitzo and Verosika awkwardly rubbed his back.

“We’ll deal with it. I promise.”

The two stepped into the apartment.

“Damn, Blitzo. You live like this?”

“It’s what I could afford. There.”

He pointed at a lump on the sofa.

“You make her sleep on the sofa? Really?” Verosika looked at him in disgust.

“She picked it. I offered her my room, but she refused. And now Stolas has the room, so I sleep on the floor.”

The two made their way to the sofa.

“She’s sound asleep, but she has a death grip on that damn thing.”

“It can’t be that baa….”

Verosika trailed off at the scene before her:

Vaggie was fast asleep on the sofa. She wore little more than a tank top and shorts. The Asmodean Crystal eye floated in a glass of water on the table. She laid atop a dakimakura, her arms and one leg tightly wrapped around it. Printed on the pillow was a nude Verosika with a seductive expression on her face. The printed Verosika stated directly at the real Verosika’s face.

“See?” Blitzo gestured, “Fuck, she’s dating the real thing, why does she need that?”

“….Christ on a Stick,” Verosika rubbed her forehead.

Chapter Text

“HOW DID YOU NOT REALIZE OCTAVIA WAS MISSING!?!?” Andrealphus yelled.

“I HAVE A LOT ON MY MIND!” Stella screamed back.

“Urgh, this whole thing falls apart if she’s not here! She’s the heir, and we need her to make a claim.”

“Well, we still have the book….”

The two trailed off as they looked at the empty space where the Grimoire was.

“WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED TO THE GRIMOIRE?!?!”

“HOW SHOULD I FUCKING KNOW?”

“YOU LIVED HERE YOU STUPIDLY BEAUTIFUL IDIOT!”

——

The van pulled up to the gate.

“It’s frozen over?” Vaggie asked as she stepped out of the driver’s seat.

“Uncle Andrealphus has ice powers.”

Octavia got out of the van and went to the back. The side door slid open as Collin flew out of the back.

“Can’t we just talk this over with them?”

“They already tried to get my friends killed,” Octavia replied as she dragged the oversized sword out of the back of the van.

“Time fer talkin’s over,” the Angelic Cherri banged her wings on the van as she got out.

“Ow, fuck!”

“Surprised they let you back down for this,” Vaggie stated.

“I only told Ralphiel and he gave me the OK. Said, an’ I quote, Go fuck their shit up.”

“I think the two of you will get along fine.”

“We ready?” Sallie May made her way out of the van.

“Honestly, I don’t how this goes, I just want to fight a Goetia,” Fellaticia squirmed out of the car and summoned her spear.

“Got the Grimoire?” Emberlynn asked as she scampered out.

“I got it!” Frank rolled out of the van and handed it to Octavia.

“Thanks, Frank.”

Octavia tucked it away in her jacket and hefted the sword onto her shoulder.

“Let’s get my home back.”

Chapter Text

“Is…is this normal?” Angel asked.

“Yep.” Mari stated.

“Uh huh.” Katana nodded.

“It’s just…y’know, I ain’t used to her bein’ like this. Y’know. Cuddly.”

The three stared at the scene across from them: Charlie sat on the sofa. Loona laid out on the sofa, her head on Charlie’s lap, gently pressed up against the bulge. Charlie smiled and scratched behind Loona’s ears. Emberlynn suddenly appeared next to them.

“Is it ok, if I-“

“Wait, don’t!” Angel and the others yelled.

Loona shot up and snapped at Emberlynn’s outstretched hand.

“Loona! It’s ok!”

Loona huffed and laid back down. She protectively laid her head on Charlie’s stomach and growled.

“Sorry.”

“I should have known better. Nothing is more romantic than protecting the ones you love,”
Emberlynn nodded and blood shot out of her bitten fingers.

“You should get that bandaged.”

Chapter Text

Azrael groaned and slumped over.

“What’s the go?” Cherri asked.

“The others want a meet up to talk about end of the world as we know it stuff,” Azrael picked her phone back up.

“Th’ others?”

“The other three Riders. You know, Conquest, War and Famine.”

“Ain’t it supposed ta be Pestilence?”

“No. Conquest hates that he’s ignored and War refuses to give up her spot. And Famine kind of covers what they expect.”

Azrael slumped over the table and groaned as she laid her face out on the table.

“I bet it’s over all the stuff that’s been going on with Heaven and Hell.”

“Can I come?”

Azrael sat back up and stared at the ceiling.

“I guess. I have to go get out the Pale Horse. Follow me.”

The two got up and began to walk out of the room.

“So…are they, y’know, also Angels?”

“No, they’re their own thing. Anthromorphic Embodiments are their own class of being, seperate from Angels, Hellborn and Humans.
Think of them as equals to me.”

“So they just…”

“Everyone does their own thing.”

The two paused and noticed Raphael doing yoga.

“Raph, I have to go to a Riders meeting, Tell Sera I’m unavailable.”

“An’ I’m goin’ with,” Cherri waved.

“Tell War I said hi,” He waved back.

They continued along and reached a shed.

“…Y’know a horse in there?”

“No, we haven’t used Horses since 1918.”

Azrae fiddled with the lock and pulled the chain off the door. The doors blew open as Cherri peeked in. Her face fell as she realized what was in there.

“Yer kiddie’ me.”

Azrae walked in and emerged again pushing a moped.

“The Pale Rider is a moped?”

“We upgraded.”

——

The two buzzed down the long, featureless road. Nondescript deserts sat at both sides

“Why th’ fuck do they wanna meet here?”

“Tradition. We always meet at the Diner at the End of the World.”

The moped slowed as a rundown Greasy Spoon suddenly appeared.

“Looks like we made it first.”

Azrael pulled into a stall and stopped. The two got off the moped and entered the diner. Cherri glanced around: rundown, faded decor, and battered Jukebox. A tall, dark skinned woman glanced over from the counter and snubbed out her cigarette.

“Hey kid. Been a while.”

“Hi Nyx,” Azrael replied as she laid her scythe against the wall.

“You want your usual? And who’s this?”

“Her name’s Cherri, she’s the second redeemed Sinner.”

“…huh,” Nyx lit another cigarette, “what can I getcha?”

“Pie floater an’ a brew.”

“Right then. Take a seat.”

As the two headed to a booth, the Jukebox sprung to life.

Fuck/
Another Turning Point/
A Fork Stuck in the Road/
Time grabs you by the wrist/
Directs you where to go/

“I hate this song. You hear it at every funeral,” Azrael grumbled as she slid into the booth.

A short person covered in a white cloth appeared and placed two glasses of water on the table.

“Thanks Medjed.”

It scuttled off as the sound of a motorcycle filled the air.

“Of course. It’s always in this order,” Azrael sighed.

“Y’dont’t think much of them?”

“Last we met was 2021. We’ve met in 2012, 2000, 1987, 1983, 1973, 1968, 1953, 1946, and…I forget when else.”

The door to the diner slammed open and a massive man stepped through the door. He was old: his hair and mustache grey. A jagged scar ran down his right eye. He wore a white leather jacket and jeans.

“Stand ready for my a-“

“Weapons at the door. You know the damn rules.”

With a grunt, the man placed a crossbow, quiver of bolts and a baseball bat on the table closest to the door.

“Usual?”

“Yeah.”

As the massive man made his way to the booth, the Jukebox skipped and began to play another song.

Make his Fight on the hill in the early day/
Constant chill deep inside/
Shouting Gun/
On they run/
Through the Endless Grey

“Azrael,” he rumbled.

“Conquest.”

“Who’s the worm?”

“Name’s Cherri Bomb.”

“A friend.”

Conquest grunted and took the seat across from them.

“Is this all about the Exterminations going ass up?” Cherri asked.

“Ain’t my place to talk. I ain’t the one who called it. But if it was up to me, yeah. Lotta fucked up shit with that.”

“How have you been?”

Conquest paused.

“I have been kinda lonely. Tryin’ to pick up a new hobby.”

“Anything fun?”

“Knitting.”

“….yer fuckin’ with me, right?”

The sound of a roaring engine cut off his response. The three glanced out the window as a haphazard tracked machine drove into the parking lot. The top hatch opened up and a lanky woman dressed in little more than an oversized cameo jacket, Boxer shorts, combat boots and a metal helmet fell out.

“Ow. Fuck.”

She shot back up and Goosestepped into the Diner. She placed her Helmet on a table, revealing her closely shorn red hair along with two lopsided and messy pigtails. She reached into her pockets and tossed her keys on to the table. A moment later it was followed by a grenade, pistol, knuckleduster, several knives, a potato peeler, and unlabeled plastic bottle.

“What’s that?” Nyx asked.

“Measles. Fatass assed fer it.”

“Leave it outside. In one piece. Unbroken.”

“Roger Roger.”

The woman opened the door and placed it next to the door.

“Been a bit since I’ve hadda good Eel an’ Mash, y’mind? Oh and make it Moray an’ shit. Leave the blood in.”

“Fine.”

The woman slid into the seat next to Conquest and playfully punched his shoulder.

“How y’doing ya big ol’ Cunt?”

“Managing.”

“Who’s the skank?”

“Her name is Cherri Bomb. A redeemed Sinner.”

“Fuck a duck, that was true? Huh.”

“Cherri this is-“

The jukebox kicked in.

Generals gathered in their massesssssss/
Just like Witches at Black Massessssss/
Evil minds that plot destruction/
Sorcerers of Death’s construction/
In the fields the bodies burning/

“Fucking love this song, even if it’s supposed to be about how bad I am an’ shit.
Hi, yeah, War. Pleased ta meetcha.”

“Gotta say, I’m a big fan. Used ta get inta allota fights in Hell.”

The two shook. War paused and sniffed Cherri’s hand.

“You smell like Gunpowder and Gelatin.”

“Big Explosives fan. Had to switch to fireworks in Heaven because everyone but Raphael complained.”

“How’s that fucker? We used to date waaay back in 1861.”

“….Huh, they are similar,” Conquest noted.

Medjed reappeared with two more glasses of water, a beer, a bottle of whiskey, an oil can and a fruit punch. With a tilt of its head, The drinks slid over.

“Thanks.” With a flick, Conquest snapped the top of the bottle off and began to chug.

War punched a hole in the top of the oil can and began to drink.

A food truck pulled into the parking lot. After a moment, a tall figure entered. It wore a Hazmat suit, with the faceplate blacked out.

The Juke box skipped again.

How come you’re always such a fussy young man?/
Don’t want no Captain Crunch/
Don’t want no Raisin Bran?/
Well don’t you know that other kids are starving in Japan/
So Eat it./
Just Eat it/

The figure took the seat next to Cherri and turned its attention to her.

“Who’s this?” A muffled, I distinct voice asked,
“I thought we weren’t doing hanger-ons again after the last time.”

“She’s a friend. Her name’s Cherri Bomb.”

“Huh.”

“This is Famine?”

“Indeed.”

“Who called the meeting then?” War asked.

“I did, it’s been a while since we could just talk,” Famine sighed.

The jukebox kicked on again.

That’s great/
It starts with an earthquake/
An Aeroplane/
And Lenny Bruce is not afraid/

Chapter Text

“Blitzo, do we have to kill this guy? He seems nice,”

“Money is money, Vags. And besides, these guys always have some deep dark secret like hidden sex dungeons, cult shit, or they just shit in the corner of their yard or something.”

Vaggie stared at him.

“I’m house broken, Vags,” Blitzo pouted.

“I know. I just think we’re kind of wasting our time.”

“It’s an easy job, go in, bang, go out. And then we can spend some Daddy-Daughter time!”

Vaggie rolled her eye.

“I gave up my day off for this?”

——

“Huh, it was unlocked.”

“Well of course it is! My door is always open to a new friend!”

He looked exactly like his file picture. Just a kindly old man.

“Would you happen to be an orphan?” Mr. Wigglers continued.

“Que?”

“An orphan? From the charity event?”

Vaggie paused and tucked her shotgun away.

“I mean, I guess.”

“Well, isn’t that wonderful? What can I do to brighten up your day?”

Vaggie paused.

“….Honestly, I could just use someone to vent to. I’ve had….
A lot of shit happened recently.”

“Well, make yourself comfy and let’s talk…?”

“Oh. It’s Vaggie.”

——-

“That is a lot to deal with,” Mr. Wigglers patted her back.

“I know it’s just…. I didn’t fit in back there, but now I’m thriving.”

“Sometimes people do well in hardier environments.
Bad things happen, but sometimes those can be the best thing to happen to you. And all of those experiences and challenges have made you into the special person that you are.”

Vaggie smiled and turned to face him.

“Th-“

Part of the ceiling collapsed as something tumbled out. A gun hit the floor and went off. Vaggie stared at what was left of Mr. Wigglers’ face as he collapsed onto her lap.

“Fuck, it’s like a fucking maze in there, you good Vags?”

“Goddammit, Blitzo.”

=====

“You can do it,” Emily encouraged.

Sir Pentious carefully pulled at the Jenga block.

“Almossst there…”

A burst of air knocked over the Jenga tower. The two turned to look at the source of the wind.

“…Well, Hello there,” Mr. Wigglers greeted the two of them.

Chapter Text

“I just feel…uncomfortable about this,”

Charlie looked at her hand.

“Why is it so…pink?”

“Humans are weird.” Loona shrugged.

Charlie looked back at the mirror: a tall white woman with short blonde hair and blue eyes stared back at her. She wore a pink sweater and jeans.

“I just look so…weird.”

She glanced back and noticed the annoyed expression on Loona’s face.

“But I’m sure your human disguise looks great!” Charlie added.

With a gesture, Loona vanished and was replaced by a tall goth girl with long hair and a partially shaved head. She wore a black T-shirt, jeans and jacket.

“Ta-d-“

Loona was cut off as Charlie embraced her.

“You look so good! Why haven’t we done this before?”

“Tongue. C’mon, we better head to Earth.”

——

Japan was weird.

Raphael had insisted on meeting with the two on Earth as “Neutral Ground”.

People kept wanting to take pictures with the tall foreigners. It was fine with the first few, but after a while , it was just a pain in the ass.

“It’s this one,” Charlie pointed.

The outside of the restaurant was a dingy, nondescript building. The sign was hand carved and stained. An old, greying Shiba Inu looked up from his nap and grunted.

“…You sure?”

“You smell like the brat, he’s in there waiting for you,” the dog complained.

They stared at the dog.

“What? Never seen a Shisa before?” He growled.

“Thanks?”

Charlie skipped ahead as Loona and the dog continued to stare at each other.

“…I know what you are,” the dog grumbled.

“Thanks asshole.”

“Hrmph.”

The Shiba laid back down as Loona stepped into the restaurant. As she passed through the threshold, her disguise vanished.

“Shit!”

“It is a safe zone,” someone spoke, “only beings such as ourselves can enter.”

Loona glanced over at the bar: a Fox woman stood behind the bar and nodded.

“With the Princess? Over there.”

“Are you sure normal people don’t visit?”

“They can’t even see it.”

Loona continued into the restaurant only for something to suddenly embrace her.

“Dude! Loony, good to see you again! And this time without a giant hole in you!”

“Uh…yeah, you too.”

Raphael released Loona and grabbed her hand.

“Here, this way.”

“You uh, come here a lot?”

“Hrm? Oh yeah, Iwaka does a great meal set. You and Chuck been to Japan before?”

“We don’t really leave Hell.”

Raphael cocked his head.

“Oh yeah, true. Maybe I can figure something out. Like, you got those portal making Succubi gems that work when you’re horny or something, right? You guys could get matching pairs.”

Loona stared at him.

“Or maybe something else.”

The two stopped at a table: Charlie sat across from a tall, voluptuous dark skinned woman with long red hair. She wore a dark purple dress and a large amount of gold jewelry. Her eyes were hidden by a pair of tinted glasses. A several sets of goat horns curled out of her head.

“And this is Loona! My girlfriend,” Charlie introduced her.

“Charmed,” the woman replied in a deep, sultry voice.

“Anyway, Loona, this is Babs! My girlfriend!” Raphael beamed, “she’s great right?”

“…Babs?”

Babs smiled and removed her glasses: her sclera was black with several slit pupils in her red irises.

“It’s much less of a mouthful than The Whore of Babylon,” she replied.

“…How-“

“It’s a long story, but let’s just say Ralph has some…peculiar taste,” Babs chuckled.

“I used to date War, Behemoth, Leviathan, Ziz, Joan of Arc, Freya, Amaterasu, Belial, Dionysus, Roo, Aclima-“

“I don’t think they need to hear your body count, Ralph,” Babs chided him.

“Right yeah.”

“So, Ralph tells me the two of you run a little hotel for Sinners looking to make it up to heaven. And that the two of you have had a little success. Tell me about that, I’m curious.”