Chapter Text
The summer after Riko's death had been tough. There were more and more cursed spirits, never ending tasks and he was alone for all of it. Exorcize and Absorb cursed spirits that tasted like a rag used to wipe up vomit and shit. Before it was bearable since he wasn't alone,he had Satoru by his side at the very least. But now he's gone; both too strong to be paired together, and anyways Satoru doesn't need him anymore. He never really did, but the illusion of being needed was nice. When Satoru was there they would banter so it would feel less like a chore. Satoru would make one of his hilariously unfunny jokes and they'd laugh about it. Afterwards he would always get Suguru his favorite food and whatever local dessert he could muster as a pat on the back. Suguru knew it was mainly to distract him from the lingering taste of cursed spirits but pretending they were doing this for Satoru always made him feel less like a burden.
He hated to admit it but he missed the white haired bastard. They had been dancing around each other since the beginning of highschool and had finally gotten together on christmas last year. Shoko had gagged over how cheesy it was but Satoru was sick of seeing girls fall at Suguru's feet. At first Suguru thought he was mad about not getting as many confessions as he did but soon realized the only confession Satoru cared about was his. It had been going well until this summer. He missed Okinawa, those final moments of peace on the plane. He missed being at the beach and missed who they were before Toji Zenin ruined their lives. He wished he had asked Riko earlier, he wished they had just taken a flight to anywhere else. He wished things were different.
The spike in curses didn't help their situation either; Suguru hadn't seen his one and only in weeks. Suguru understood though, Satoru was the strongest, people were in danger and he was needed elsewhere. Satoru always tried to include him and say that together they were the strongest but Suguru knew it was a lie and Satoru just wanted someone at his level. A level which Toji Zenin proved he didn't have. Their relationship, however, is the least of their problems.
Sorcerers are constantly dying left and right, Shoko is overworked so he doesn't see her all that much either. The last time the three of them did something together for fun was last year when they went to the arcade with Haibara and Nanami. He sees them from time to time. He passes them in the hallways of Jujutsu Tech but now they don't feel like friends. At best: glorified coworkers. He had stopped eating, the only taste left in his mouth being the curses he was forced to ingest daily. Satoru had noticed his weight loss when he saw him last but Suguru didn't want to worry him. He has enough work already, the least he can do is suck it up and pretend everything is ok. Pretend they’re still close and that everyone is still best buds and that looming thoughts of death are not taking over his general psyche. He hadn't slept in a week, only taking thirty minute naps.At this point he was hoping to just fall asleep and never wake up.
He’d just got back to the school after a mission. The ungrateful monkeys hadn't even thanked him. It was starting to piss him off. He was sick of being strong, he was sick of having to protect ungrateful monkeys who couldn’t even see the risk all these children put themselves in front of every day to make their world better. The more he ages the more he realizes he has been exploited since he was 15.
Sometimes he wishes he was born a monkey like his parents. At least then he could be blissfully unaware and do dumb shit like every other teenager. But no, he had to be the weird horror movie child that could see ghosts. After taking him to 12 different shamans and 15 psychiatrists who had come up with theories ranging from possession to schizophrenia, or downright lying for attention, they had stumbled upon Yaga. Yaga had been an incredible teacher. He had taken care of Suguru, taught him how to use his technique and made him feel less alone. By the end of his first day at jujutsu tech he felt like he belonged. The class only had 2 other people but they could see curses too. They knew what it was like. He felt so safe and so loved. He had finally found a sense of self. Looking back he would have preferred taking schizophrenia medication he didn't need. As he showered off the grime he looked back on his life and came to the blinding realization that nothing was really worth the pain he had to go through. Nothing was worth seeing his community,his people , die at the hands of curses that they didn’t even create.
"Stupid monkeys," he mutters under his breath, trying to calm himself down and find peace within himself again. Getting dressed, he walks out to an oppressively dim hall he was sure had been bright and airy a few years back and sees Haibara who gives him a big smile and a wave. Sweet Haibara - always positive no matter what. The kid couldn’t hurt a fly let alone another person. He waves back and sits next to him. They talk for a bit since he's going on a mission with Nanami soon and wants to bring everyone back something. Of course he does, Haibara was kind and sweet and the nicest person you would ever meet. Suguru wishes he would be meaner so people would stop walking all over him but he finds his childish sense of wonder in the shit hole they're trapped in quite refreshing.
"Geto, would you like something salty or sweet?" Haibara insists, looking at him intently. Honestly, nothing was appetizing to Suguru anymore so he decided to ask for something sweet. At least Satoru would be happy about it. If nothing will make Suguru happy, might as well forward the happiness to his boyfriend, who he isn't sure he still has at this point. As they're talking he hears footsteps approaching and holds his breath as dread takes hold of him, expecting at any moment for a higher up to send him on another mission. A brief reprieve is granted however when he sees only the lazy ass special grade sorcerer who took on no missions and lived abroad. Yuki Tsukumo asks some weird question about liking women which confuses Suguru even further, but Haibara seems happy to answer it and that seems to placate her enough to leave him alone. Haibara makes his excuses and skips off, and the woman sits next to him. They talk about the situation they're in and he understands quickly what happens to sorcerers who don't listen to the higher ups. They get labeled as lazy like her when all she is really doing is taking care of herself and getting to the root of the problem. This is when Suguru learns 2 truths.
- Sorcerers rarely make curses 99% of them are made by the monkeys.
- There are barely any curses abroad.
This makes Suguru spiral even further. Not only are the monkeys ungrateful but he is risking his life saving them from their own problems. He has become a shell of himself helping monkeys who can't- won’t even manage their own negative feelings. Sorcerers are dying everyday for the problems of others. So much for 'not my circus, not my monkeys'. As he is spiraling, Yuki keeps going on and on about her solutions and how Toji could have played a part in it but Suguru doesn't care about any of this. Yuki is trying to find a way to eliminate cursed energy or teach non-sorcerers how to manage them which when explained to an exhausted nihilist presents an immediate, simple third option.
"In that case, why not eliminate all non-sorcerers?"
"That would probably be the easiest method.” she replies nonchalantly, not thinking for a second that Suguru's proposition was not just a joke. “It would promote evolution and eventually there would be no more non-sorcerers born. However, I'm not that crazy, "
She then goes on to ask him if he hates non-sorcerers. Does he? He doesn't know how to answer that himself. Would he hate them if he had any other cursed technique? Because if not, he doesn't hate them, he hates his cursed technique. In all honesty he is just sick of being used like a weapon and not a person. He just wants it all to end so he can have his community and his friends back.
He could kill them all. Maybe Satoru had been right that day, maybe there was a point to that killing, maybe just maybe this could be the escape Suguru needs. His train of thought is stopped by Yuki announcing her leave. She seems kind of annoyed that Satoru isn't here, which Suguru is presuming is by design considering the blasphemy she had just vented to him. The higher ups are okay with Suguru Geto hearing it because while he is a useful artillery; Satoru Gojo is a nuclear weapon. He sighs again and spends the rest of the day wallowing in his bed.
At around midnight he gets a call from Shoko asking him to come to the morgue. Her voice is shaky and he can hear her struggling to light another cigarette. He gets out of bed immediately, quickly gets dressed and runs to the morgue; curses are not allowed inside of Jujutsu tech. As he opens the doors the air is so heavy he feels it weighing on his shoulders. The sight is unbearable. Haibara, sweet Haibara, had been mutilated in half by a curse they were told was a grade 2 at worst but turned out to be a grade 1. Nanami sat in the corner, clearly injured,traumatized, and burning with fury about the situation he had been thrown into. Haibara, the nicest person wouldn't even harm a fly murdered in cold blood to protect a monkey who most likely caused it.
"They sent Gojo after it now," Nanami let out a sigh.If they needed to send Satoru it was clearly a high level curse. Haibara hadn't even turned 18 yet. They were the same age but since they were in different years he still felt way older than him. Haibara was still a child and he was murdered in cold blood not by the curse but by the higher ups exploiting him. This sends Suguru into another spiral, one which Shoko pulls him out of when she asks him to get her another packet of cigarettes. He complies but the whole way there and back he has thoughts he knows are dangerous and wrong but he can't help it.
"I know what you're thinking," calls a voice. None other than Yuki Tsukumo. "Talked to Shoko - Nanami is quitting. He is going to college to pursue finance, doubt he's coming back."
He whirls on her, "Honestly that might be the smartest idea anyone has ever had. Hell I would leave too, but seeing as I'm one of the only special grade sorcerers it’s all on me to do something about it since some of us are too busy lazing about all day," Suguru spits out.
"Ouch! You wound me Suguru Geto!" Yuki places her hand on her chest while pouting then sarcastically adds. "Please go on your hero tirade when you're not actively thinking about murdering the entire human population,"
"I-" Suguru starts to argue back but can't quite form the words, realizing the woman is not wrong.
Luckily she doesn't push any further and they quietly walk back to the morgue. Suguru takes a deep breath before entering as if that will somehow mentally prepare him to see Haibara's dismembered body again. Shoko immediately takes the cigarettes out of his hands and goes to smoke. All of a sudden there’s only Nanami, Haibara, Suguru and the heavy silence that makes the density of the room feel like they're drowning. Suguru looks at his face, frozen in the last smile he would ever make and he swears he can still hear his laugh. He goes over to Nanami, pats him on his back and tells him he did well. He covers Haibara's body and helps Nanami back to his dorm. The usually stoic Nanami sheds a few tears as Geto holds him.
"He was so good. He would have done great things. It should have been me." Nanami says, his sobs punctuating each sentence. Suguru holds him, holding back his own tears. He pulls Nanami to his chest until Nanami finally falls asleep. Geto sighs and lets out a few tears of his own that had been building up. He tucks Nanami into bed and starts heading to his room.
August is nearing its end and Suguru realizes that it won't be summer for much longer when the chilly night runs a shiver down his spine. Walking through the compound he sees a familiar figure fly by. Satoru immediately notices him and runs to him, turning off his infinity as he throws himself into his arms, nearly sending them both tumbling to the ground. Suguru is surprised but hugs his boyfriend back and forces a smile.
"I haven't seen you in so long, I'm sorry I've been busy and you've been busy and yeah…" Satoru says excitedly and usually Suguru would find this fountain of enthusiasm super cute but right now he isn't really having it.
"Yeah, happens, don't worry about it," Suguru says politely, hoping Satoru will not notice he is behaving oddly.
"Suguru, I know Haibara meant a lot to you. Do you want to talk about it?"
"No Satoru, I just want to go to bed. I'm exhausted,"
"If it helps, the curse is dead - I took care of it. Now let me take care of you," Satoru smiles warmly at him then walks him to his dorm, gushing about all his missions and everything he had learned and how cool he was doing it. Meanwhile, Suguru just didn't want to hear it. As they get to his door Satoru looks at him all nervous, takes a deep breath and says:
"Hey, so- uhm. What are you doing tomorrow? I am free and was hoping you were free and we could actually go on a date for once. That way I can stay here tonight and we can go to the nice crepe stand in Tokyo tomorrow. But if you're busy or don't want to or… I don't know. I just miss you. That's all."
"Yeah. Sure," Suguru smiles and this time it isn't fake. "We're together, you don't have to get so nervous anymore. Little secret: I miss you too" he adds kissing the boy on his cheek and opening the door, still holding his hand. Satoru smiles widely and wraps his arms around Suguru's waist excited to spend the night with his boyfriend. They enter Geto's place and for almost an instant he feels like things are back to normal. Satoru picks out his clothes from his dedicated part of the closet. Picks out his towel, kisses Suguru gently, and goes to shower. In that moment he realizes Satoru is good and he is not. Satoru doesn't actively think about potentially murdering an entire section of the population. Suguru is broken, Satoru is not.
" I'm not that crazy "
Yuki's words echo in his head as he realizes he's crazy and Satoru isn't and Satoru can't be crazy like him. The last thing Suguru would want to do is take him down his path of misery. Missions excite Satoru and he needs to stay here to be happy, with or without him. The words without him echo in his head until he hears a distant voice call out to him.
"Suguru? Are you ok? Earth to Suguru! I know I take your breath away but not like this,” Suguru shakes his head and realizes he was having a panic attack. Satoru is running his hands through his hair, his other hand pulling him towards his chest.
"Sorry I am just so tired and because of the Haibara thing I'm really out of it. Let's just clean up and go to sleep, " he musters.
"Suguru, you've lost weight again. There’s no food in the fridge and you look like you haven't slept in days. I am genuinely concerned. Please talk to me. I love you. You always take care of me. Let me take care of you this once."
What is he supposed to say? "Well curses taste like shit and they're not appetizing so eating food after grosses me out. Also learned that only humans cause curses so now I'm thinking about killing them all. Join me hehe."
He settles for lying instead.
"I eat out when I'm on missions, you know that. I am just tired and the heat doesn't make it easy to want food so it's normal. I'm fine really. Let's just sleep. I'm tired."
"Alright but if there's anything let me know. You know I’d abandon a whole village to die to help you,"
"Satoru that's rude, please never do that,"
"Only because you asked me not to." He says smiling whole heartedly.
As Suguru brushes his teeth, only one thought going through his head. And if I asked you? He shakes the thought away as he puts on his pajamas and lays down next to Satoru. He immediately moves over to leave Suguru some space and then wraps his arm around his waist. They talk a little and soon, without even noticing, Suguru falls asleep. When he wakes up the bed is empty and Satoru is nowhere to be found. He looks around and even calls for him only to find a note in that distinctive bordering-on-illegible handwriting on the counter.
Hey
Elders called. I have a mission in Kyushu. Special grade curse with Sukuna's finger appeared. I'll be back ASAP. Brought you a crepe before I left anyways. (it's in the fridge)
I'm sorry. I love you
-Satoru
Suguru knew it was too good to be true that they could both be free on the same day. He ripped up the note bitterly, ate the crepe, went back to bed and dissociated into nothingness.