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Chapter Text

І весь світ мені дорожчий
За правила нудних людей
Цінувати я не хочу
Склад безсенсових речей
Я не знаю і не буду
Що таке втрачати час
Невже не кожен вартий того
Щоб второпати хоч раз
Завтра може й не настати
Завтра може й не прийти
Дихання навіки стати
І душа до неба йти
А що згадаєш, що забудеш
Коли життя твоє пусте
Невже не кожен вартий того
Щоб второпати просте.
[And the whole world is more precious to me
Then the rules of boring people
I don't want to value
The warehouse of meaningless things
I don't know and I won't What it
Tomorrow may not come
Tomorrow may never come
The breath will be forever
And the soul to heaven
And what you remember, what you forget
When your life is empty
Isn't everyone worth it
To understand the simple things?]

When it happened, Ian just wanted to get home quickly. It was only because he really didn't want to run into Kesh. Things got weird after Linda found out about the two of them. And to be honest, Ian didn't quite understand her position. She didn't seem to care about Ian's age. All she really cared about was her husband's infidelity. So, when Gallagher started avoiding the man and refusing to have sex with him, he was simply fired. And that really was a kick in the sore butt. Kash knew that the boy needed the job, that their family needed the money. But none of that bothered him at all. So now Ian was still looking for a new job. And he was avoiding Kash and Grab. That's why now, instead of being at home, he was standing under the roof of an unfinished building he'd never been to before. He just didn't want to run into Kash, who was closing up store. So after school, Ian took a new route home. Everything would have been fine if it hadn't been for the storm. The most frustrating part was that Fiona had actually mentioned this morning that there was a big storm coming to Chicago today. As the rain began to fall, he didn't even remember Fiona's warning, just quickened his pace. But the rain intensified, and the redhead decided to wait out the rain under the roof of an unfinished house. But the rain only got heavier. Ian only remembered his sister's words when the wind blew the sign off the small store across the street. Oh, it was a fiasco. The entire sky was covered in blackness. It didn't look like it was going to end anytime soon.... With another gust of wind, Ian crept backwards, deeper into the darkness of the walls. But as soon as he took a few more steps, he tripped over something soft and fell backwards with a clatter and a scream. Something warm cushioned his fall, but it immediately screamed in a man's voice.
- Shit, man, what the fuck!? - It wasn't happy.
Well, the man was obviously less scared than Ian. Because the redheaded guy couldn't find any words. Someone was just sleeping, apparently in a sleeping bag. And in the exact spot where he'd decided to wait out the rain.
- Who the fuck are you? - asked a man, or rather a guy, from the darkness.
- Uh... Ian. - Gallagher answered awkwardly. Well, this was really the first time he'd ever been in this situation.
- I don't care what your name is, I just want to know what the fuck you're doing here. - the voice continued.
Ian was amused at the stranger's ability to use so many swear words. He chuckled softly.
- Hey, why the hell are you laughing now? - The man asked and Gallagher tried to hide his laughter with a cough.
- There's a terrible storm outside and I couldn't get home, so I'm here. - he finally managed to say.
- That still doesn't explain why you woke me up, asshole. - The voice grumbled unhappily.
- How was I supposed to know someone was here! It's the first time I've been here.
- Exactly! Because this is my place. You shouldn't even be here. - the guy was clearly angry. Ian heard some rustling, some rumbling. He thought the stranger would probably pull out a gun and it would be time to get out. But instead, the guy lit a storm lantern and the flickering warm light illuminated the gray room. The stranger's face was also illuminated with yellow light and Ian recognized him immediately.
- Oh! - he exhaled.
- What's that supposed to mean? - Mickey asked, and it was him. Mickey Milkovich. Ian knew him from the neighborhood for sure. And there was hardly anyone on the South Side who didn't know the younger Milkovich boy. The man looked at the redhead for a few more seconds and squinted his eyes.
- You're Gallagher.
- And you're Milkovich. - Ian replied in a tone of voice. The whole thing reminded him of a comedy scene. They stared at each other for several long minutes. In the meantime, Ian noticed that Milkovich, who had just woken up, looked very attractive. His hair was charmingly disheveled, his clothes were a little wrinkled, and his eyes were squinting against the flickering light. In addition, his soft skin clearly bore the marks of a sleeping bag. The thought flashed through Ian's mind of how easy it would be to leave marks on that white skin. But then he mentally slapped himself, because thinking about Milkovich like that could get him killed. He didn't even notice Mickey sliding his gaze down his body.
- All right, you can stay until the rain stops. - the dark-haired boy mercifully allowed. - Just don't talk.
- Thank you. - Ian replied quietly and sank to the floor. Mickey sighed and climbed back into his sleeping bag, but he didn't put out the lantern. Mysterious shadows were now playing on the walls. The storm had intensified and the wind whistled through the empty windows. It was getting colder. Ian shivered and looked around the room to distract himself. Mickey had clearly made a nice place for himself. He'd spread a sleeping bag and blanket on the floor, put an assault lantern next to it, and set down his gym bag. It was obvious he was going to be here for a while.
- Why are you here? - He asked his question.
Micky opened one eye and looked at Gallagher unhappily.
- Why don't you sleep, huh? - asked the older boy.
- It's cold. And you're up anyway, why not pass the time?
- I'd be asleep if it wasn't for your annoying face. - Micky grumbled. But after a second he added, "All right, you can have a blanket.
Ian was, frankly, in complete shock. He'd never had to deal with Mickey personally, but according to others, he was a violent and disgusting bastard. But now he was shattering that myth with two acts in half an hour. Gallagher smiled gratefully and stepped closer to Mickey. So, he pulled the blanket over his head and gripped it tightly with his hands to keep his shoulder from leaning against Mickey. Ian didn't know how he'd gotten so comfortable in this man's company so quickly. And it was starting to scare him. He shouldn't have trusted people, especially with a reputation like this. But on the other hand he realized that reputation was a questionable thing. Everyone in his family had a bad reputation because of Frank. Everyone on the South Side knew the Gallaghers, and not in a good way. And it could have been the same with the Milkoviches. Maybe it was all about Terry. Maybe it wasn't. Maybe Mickey had actually killed someone in juvie, just like they said at school. So Ian was just about to move away from Mickey, just in case, when he spoke quietly.
- Terry kicked me out. - he said. - 'That's why I'm here, but it's none of your business. So shut up.
- But why? - Ian wondered. As far as he knew, the Milkoviches were pretty tight-knit together.
- None of your business, Gallagher. - growled the boy.
Ian nodded silently and turned away. He would go home. He felt bad about disturbing Micky's lonely idyll, but the storm wasn't abating. He would have loved to be home in his own bed. But instead was forced to spend time with the gruff but intriguing Milkovich. They were sitting in silence when a particularly strong gust of wind blew in through the window and toppled the lantern. It became quite unpleasant when the light went out. Ian shuddered.
- Don't fidget like that, I'll light it. - Mickey muttered and reached for the lighter. He flicked it a few times, but his hand shook visibly and it didn't work.
- Let me do it. - Ian suggested. He lit the lantern wick easily, but at that moment the sleeve of his jacket pulled up to his elbow exposing white skin. Ian froze when he felt Mickey's hand on his elbow. He knew exactly what was going on.
- What the fuck, Gallagher? - Mickey ran his finger over the wide white scars that covered his forearm. Ian knew they looked creepy. There were scars of varying thicknesses, old ones that were white and fairly fresh ones that were red. The boy pulled his arm out of the tenacious grip and adjusted his sleeve.
- It's nothing... - muttered the redhead.
It was the very last topic he wanted to discuss. Especially with Milkovich.
- You know it's a total crock, don't you, Gallagher? - he asked in a heartfelt tone.
- It's none of your business, Mickey! - he shouted.
- Well, you can always get out of here.
- You're chasing me away? - Ian was surprised. Though he wasn't really surprised. It was all logical. But Mickey just wrinkled his forehead and rubbed his eyebrow with his finger. He adjusted the plaid flannel around his shoulders and crawled deeper into his sleeping bag. Ian took that as a signal to stay. He pulled up the blanket and lay down next to Mickey. For a few more minutes he stared at the ceiling in silence. But after all, it was just the two of them here. By themselves. Ian didn't know why he trusted this man. It was illogical and probably destructive. They didn't know each other, but right now that was exactly what it was. Just a stranger to listen and disappear into the night. Just an outside listener. Maybe the fact that they knew each other from the neighborhood made it strange, maybe not. Ian chose to just ignore it.
- It just makes me feel alive, grounds me," Ian whispered quietly. He had expected any reaction from Milkovich other than what it actually was.
- What was that?
The redhead thought for a moment before answering.
- It's like I keep floating and I can't reach the bottom. It's really deep and I get tired, so I just lay on my back and float. I can't control anything, everything just kind of passes me by. And everything's in the shit. But then I do a cut and it's grounding. I can feel, I can control the pain you know? - Gallagher continued. And Mickey nodded like he really understood. Or maybe he did understand.
- It started one day, last year. It just happened-" Ian began and couldn't stop. He could hear the sound of rain and wind outside and it made everything special. Like it was the last night of his life, like he could say anything and not be judged for it. - Monica, my mom, did you hear her?
- Yeah. They say she's crazy?
- Uh, yeah. She died last year.
- Shit, I'm sorry, man. - Mickey really looked embarrassed. So Ian decided to ignore the sting in his heart at the mention of Monica.
- She just slit her wrists, in the goddamn kitchen on fucking Thanksgiving... The ambulance didn't even make it, she died right there and everyone saw it. But then, a month went by and nobody cared but me. I know she was awful, but...
- She was your mom, I get it, man. - Mickey nodded.
- Yeah... - Ian was telling someone that for the first time in his life. And it actually felt good. - It wasn't bloody fair. She spent her whole life leaving us behind, but she chose to die in front of us. I know she was sick, but it was her choice not to be treated or medicated. I will probably never understand her illness, but it doesn't even matter anymore, she was just gone. And then, after her funeral, I did it for the first time. I just got curious, I just wanted to try it. I wanted to understand. And I didn't really want to die or anything like that....
- You don't need to explain, man. - Milkovich cut him off, and Ian immediately lost any need to justify himself.
- Thank you. - the redhead whispered quietly.
- Your family won't be wondering where you are? - Mickey asked, obviously to lighten the mood.
- I don't think they'll really even notice I'm gone. - Ian grinned bitterly. His companion looked at him questioningly, and the boy continued quietly. - The first time I cut myself I did something stupid, I cut my wrist in a prominent place. I was sure they would scold me, but nobody actually said a word. And I thought that was weird because usually everyone is supportive of each other. So I just went away for a couple days, stayed at a friend's house, I wanted so badly for Fiona to call and ask where I was. Or at least Lip would write. But when I came back, they really didn't even notice I was gone.
Mickey looked at him for a second before answering hoarsely:
- I've always wanted that... As a kid, all I wanted was for Terry to just ignore me, forget I existed. But the bastard just used me as a punching bag.
The younger boy gave in to the urge and squeezed Mickey's hand through the sleeping bag.
- 'I'm a faggot, you know. - Milkovich said it so quietly that Ian thought he'd misheard. Still, he couldn't have heard wrong. - Terry found out about it and that's why I'm here.
Ian swallowed loudly.
- 'Do you hate staying here now? - Mickey asked cautiously.
- 'No, you know, that would be hypocritical of me. - He grinned.
Milkovich's eyes widened and he looked at Ian in surprise.
- Holy shit, Gallagher. - He muttered. - Do any of yours know?
- No, they don't care. In fact, you're the first one who knows, besides the guys I was with. But that's not a big deal.
- Okay.
They sat there for a few more minutes when Ian heard the noise outside die down.
- How long do you plan to stay here? - He asked.
- Until Terry gets locked up again, I guess. I'm just working construction so I can get away from the bastard.
- Uh... I know this might be weird, but you could crash at my place. Take a shower, have a decent meal. I promise no one will even notice. - Ian offered embarrassingly. Well Mickey really was the closest thing to a friend he'd ever had. He didn't want to lose him.
- Okay," Milkovich muttered in surprise. - But only because I don't want to freeze, and you're really not that bad.
And that sounded better to Ian than any of the most exquisite compliments.

Chapter Text

If life ain't just a joke, then why are we laughing
My chemical romance – Dead!

When they reached the Gallagher house, the rain had almost completely stopped, but Mickey was still soaked and cold. His duffel bag (Gallagher had insisted they take everything) was pressing uncomfortably on his shoulder, and his bones ached from sleeping on the floor for days. But he didn't say a word. All the windows were dark and there were no sounds.
Mickey did pass by this house often, it was always noisy. But now it was as if everyone had left the house or was in deep sleep, which was not surprising in this weather and in the middle of the night. But the boy felt an inexplicable rage at these people. When Ian had told him that his family ignored him that was one thing, but now it felt different. They walked into the house wet and cold, and the living room was pretty damn empty. Not that he expected to see anyone. He just wished Gallagher was wrong. He just wished that when they arrived, those notoriously caring siblings would be worried. At this point, he had an eerie urge to scream for everyone to wake up, come down and at least ask his brother where he'd been. He was about to do so, but Ian grabbed him by the sleeve and pulled him up the stairs to the top.
- Lip's staying at his girlfriend's right now, so we'll just take his bed? - Mickey didn't quite understand if it was a question or a suggestion. He just nodded and ignored the way his heart squeezed at the thought that not only would he be sleeping in warmth and comfort, but with a redhead at his side. But it was a pleasant squeeze.
They walked through the second floor and Ian walked very quietly, so Mickey followed suit. The room they went into was pretty spare and much, much cleaner than Mickey's bedroom at his house. Or the place he used to call home. With his mind he knew that sooner or later Terry would be back in prison and he could be home again. But in his heart, he felt it was unlikely he'd ever go back there. Ever since Mendy had moved out with some friend, nothing had really kept him on the South Side or even in Chicago. The only thing was, of course, a lack of money and enough motivation. But now the motivation to get out of here fast was huge. Mickey had actually been thinking of leaving in a couple weeks and had been saving up his money, but he'd met Ian today and the whole plan started to seem wrong.
Milkovich was just thinking about what the fuck was happening to him when Ian threw a towel at him.
- Come on, I'll show you the bath. - he offered. Mickey mumbled something in reply and followed Gallagher.
The bathroom was also cleaner than the Milkovichs' house, which wasn't surprising at all. There were some clothes and children's toys scattered on the floor.
Mickey stuck his hand under the water. He didn't know what was driving him when he said:
- Hey, it's barely warm, you won't get enough.
- That's okay, I'll take a shower tomorrow.
- Or you could just get in here with me. - The guy was scared of his own words, but didn't want to sound like an idiot and take it back. Ian stared at him with all his eyes as well. His fear was obvious, but there was something else splashing in the depths of his green eyes. Something that made him nod in agreement.
Mickey turned away as he undressed. He knew Ian was gay, and Ian knew about him. Besides, Mickey could recognize that the redhead was hot. None of this was helping the situation. He thought of Terry holding his porn. Oh, that helped instantly. The only side effect left was the heaviness in his chest.
The guy turned around and tried his best not to look at the redhead below his waist. In truth, though, he was so tired and cold that sexual thoughts occurred only as faint phantom bursts.
They climbed into the tub and turned on the warm water. The pressure was just awful, but it really was better than nothing. He relaxed and literally physically felt the fatigue of the last few days go down the drain along with the dirty water. Mickey reached for the soap when his gaze happened to fall on Gallagher's thighs. Everything went cold inside him. Only now did he realize that the cuts on the guy's arms were still flowers. His thighs were riddled with ghastly scars, white and red. Mickey didn't know why, but he couldn't look away from it. It physically hurt him, he wished the redhead would stop doing it. He didn't know how, but he mentally swore to himself that he would stop it, no matter how much heartache this boy was in.
Milkovich looked up and ran into the eyes of Ian, who looked like he was about to cry. Mickey reached out and gently stroked the boy's cheek.
- Shh, it's okay. - He said quietly and calmly. Gallagher nodded and put his head down on the dark-haired boy's shoulder. Mickey could feel his tears because they were hotter than water. He squeezed the back of the redhead's head in a soothing gesture. It was so intimate and personal that Mickey almost cried himself. He'd never been in a situation like this before. He had known this child for less than twenty-four hours, and yet he was experiencing so many feelings at once that it hurt.
- Just... shall we go to bed? We can talk tomorrow. - The older kid offered.
- Yeah, okay. - Ian nodded.
They wiped themselves slowly with one towel, pulled on their boxers and got under the blanket. It was warm, and Mickey knew his back would feel better for the first time in weeks. And it was especially nice to feel the warmth of another man's body next to his. Even if he didn't allow himself to touch it. He hadn't slept with anyone in years. The last time had been with Mandy. They were just kids, she'd barely started kindergarten. Her parents were arguing loudly in the kitchen and Mendy had come to him, her older brother, because she was scared to be on her own. It was the first time Mickey felt compelled to protect this little creature at his side. He'd quietly recounted the Harry Potter movie he'd seen the day before to distract her from the sounds of banging and screaming. It worked then. But now she's grown up, she can take care of herself. She was out of the house of horrors, out of Chicago. And Mickey still wanted to protect someone. So he decided he'd protect the redhead. Shelter him from the outside world, build his own bubble of safety. He just needed to fit Gallagher into his escape plan and convince him to leave together.

Chapter Text

Я до тебе прийду, через гори і доли,
Тільки ти не розпитуй мене, не хвилюй,
Намалюй мені ніч, коли падають зорі,
Намалюй, я прошу, намалюй
[I'll come to you through mountains and meadows
But don't ask me anything, don't bug me
Paint me a nighttime, when the stars are falling
Paint it, I beg you, paint it.]
Paint me a nighttime - Lyubov Tchaikovska

Ian lay in the alley. His once green eyes had turned completely gray. As gray as the twilight sky. He looked at the clouds and they looked back at him. It hurt. It hurt like hell. He felt the pain with every fiber of his being. On top of that, the humiliation of not being able to defend himself was horrible. The morning started off wonderfully. Ian awoke to a slight movement on the other side of the bed. The boy might have thought yesterday had been a dream, everything had been too wonderful. He had a friend for the first time. But no. Here he is, this new person he knows too little but wants to get to know better. The only one who knows his secret, and the only one who has trusted him with his own. Opened his heart and soul. Mickey. It's a name that dissolves pleasantly on his tongue and triggers happy hormones. Mickey lies next to him in bed. His muscular back sways smoothly in time with his breathing and his hair glistens in the pre-dawn twilight. Ian lies so close you can make out the scattering of barely visible freckles on his chalk-white skin. He wants to savor this moment forever, but he has to get to school, so he shakes Mickey lightly by the shoulder. He thinks Milkovich better leave early, because this really isn't a good time for everyone to notice him. Especially considering they are in Lip's bedroom. Mickey wakes up abruptly; he'd definitely knock Ian off the bed if he was sleeping on the edge. But the redhead is clinging tightly to the mattress and grinning through his teeth. Mickey looks at him, a little surprised, as if he's forgotten about yesterday, but gradually there's understanding in his eyes. He doesn't smile back, it's clear he's not a lark, more like an owl. But he rubs his eyes so sweetly that he makes Ian laugh softly. And it's the happiest laugh he's had in the last year.
- Morning, Gallagher. - Mickey wheezes, and it's the most beautiful sound to Ian. And he laughs again. Mickey looks at him puzzled.
- Why the fuck are you laughing? - He asks, and that makes Ian laugh even harder.
- Hey, Mickey. They stare at each other for a little while longer. Ian felt like they'd known each other for ages.
- I think it's time for me to get up. - said the redhead sadly. - I have to go to school early, but we can get something to eat.....
- Whatever you say, Freckles. - Mickey smiled. He swung his legs over the edge of the bed, and Ian admired his back for a second. The muscles rolled seductively under his skin, inviting him to run his tongue over them. Well, he was young, and Mickey was good-looking. But they'd just met, and Gallagher really didn't want to lose his new friend. And just because Mickey was gay didn't mean anything. Especially since it was very hard for him to admit and accept everything. So Ian just wanted to support Mickey in this, rather than introduce him to more confusion and misunderstanding. It seemed like they both needed a friend. So the guy decided that he would stay calm. At least until Milkovich was ready. They went down to the kitchen and made coffee in silent idyll. Jan poured two bowls of cereal and poured milk over it. Everything was so peaceful, so domestic. They moved in sync.
- Thanks for having me over, man. - Mickey said when they'd had breakfast. It sounded wild coming out of his mouth, but Ian agreed.
- No problem. - He smiles, hesitates for a second, then decides. 'I thought maybe you could leave me your phone number and we can get in touch sometime. Ian immediately sensed that he had said it for a reason, because an embarrassed smile spread across Mickey's face.
- Yes, of course. They exchanged numbers and Ian cheerfully signed Milkovich's number on the phone as 'Mick'. They walked out of the house together and reached the corner where their paths parted. Gallagher headed for school and Milkovich..... Ian didn't know where he went, and honestly wasn't going to ask.
***
Ian's day was generally business as usual, which meant boring. He took a nap in math, drew in his notebook in history, and dabbled in literature. He hated gym class because it meant changing clothes with everyone in the same room, so Gallagher just skipped it.
But apparently his lack of love for PE made all the difference that day. Ian had just decided to smoke under the bleachers of the soccer field when a group of five people approached him. He didn't know all of them exactly, but he could tell they were hometown douchebags.
- Gallagher. - shouted the biggest of them.
Ian looked around, taking a slow drag on his cigarette. Before Monica's death, Lip had always taught him to show his superiority, even if it wasn't there.
- Who's asking? - He asked sullenly.
- My fist. - grinned the bulky man and.... What happened next, Ian didn't quite understand what happened, just that he was already lying on the ground and the rest of the minions were beating him with their feet. Undoubtedly, if the fight had been fair, he would have easily dealt with any of them. But the situation was completely different. The redhead couldn't understand much, but he could definitely hear one of them yelling something about beating the medic harder. 'I wonder how they knew' was his last thought before he passed out. So, he woke up in an alley. It looked like he had been dragged here by the same people who had beaten him up. He had no desire to move, no desire to think, no desire to live. Somewhere in the back of his mind, he had flickers of memories of this morning, which had been the best morning he'd had in the last year, but it all seemed like a shadow now. The boy felt his eyes wet, tears running down his cheeks and mixing with the blood. By the time he stood up, it was already dark. Ian made his way to his street slowly and with pain in every step. In fact, all he wanted at that moment was to be in his own bed. Even more he wanted to be next to someone who understood and best of all it was Milkovich.
Instead, he slowly made his way up to the second floor and came face to face with a half-naked girl. He vaguely remembered her name was Amanda or something like that. Lipa's rich girl. Ian wasn't sure why Lip had brought his girlfriend to their house, they usually hung out at her place, but he didn't have the energy to understand or think about it. His brother appeared behind Amanda and caught a glimpse of the redhead.
- Oh man, you're home," he paused for a second. - Damn, your face is in the shit... Anyway, Frank's back and Fiona's sleeping in my room, so Amanda and I are taking the bedroom for a couple hours.
With those words he turned around and walked into the room. Ian caught the girl's worried look before the door slammed shut in his face. Fucking hell, he felt like crying again, anger boiling in his veins.
The guy flew down the stairs only to crash into Fiona.
- Hey, Ian, be careful. - she chided him. Her tired eyes slid over the boy's face, and for a second Ian felt hopeful. But it all came crashing down. - Shit, did you fall? You should watch your step better, Carl had already used a frozen pea on his hand. Imagine, falling off your bike once again! By the way, did you buy bread?
She had already turned away and started heating up food for Liam. The red-haired boy felt a familiar prick in his heart.
- No, I'll go get it. - he managed to squeeze out and rushed to the back door.
- And get some milk. - was the last thing he heard.
Ian ran down the street with all his legs, tears of resentment and worthlessness streaming down his burning cheeks. His whole body must have been in a lot of pain, but he didn't notice it. All he could think about was Mickey.
Mickey. Mickey. Mickey. He needed Mickey so badly at this moment. Ian hadn't even realized exactly how he'd gotten into the same building, on the same floor. He'd been moving on a sense of adrenaline and intuition the whole time.
But when he walked into the familiar room, there was no one there. It was definitely the same place, there was a sleeping bag on the floor in the corner and a lantern, but Mickey himself was nowhere to be found. The boy's legs gave out, despair squeezed his chest and he could no longer hold back the sobs, he couldn't stop his hands from shaking. He couldn't control his body, shivering and aching from the bruises. So he decided to do the only thing he could control. Ian slipped his hand into his inside pocket and pulled out a blade wrapped in a handkerchief Monica had once given him. With trembling hands, the boy unwrapped the cold metal and ran it along the outside of his wrist, where the skin was still clean and pristine. Blood immediately appeared at the site of the cut, but instead of the usual relief, the boy felt even more self-loathing. He clamped a palm over his mouth to muffle the hoarse tears. That's how Mickey found him.
***
Ian felt a warm hand on his shoulder and the familiar smell of Old Spice, and it was enough to bring him back to reality.
Mickey didn't say anything, just took the blade from the younger guy's hands and threw it away. He then took his handkerchief and carefully tied it over the cut on his arm. Mickey cradled the redhead's head against his chest and began to gently rock him.
- Shh, it's okay, whatever happens for you today, I'm here for you....
- I'm nothing? - Ian asked hoarsely.
- Jesus, why the hell would you say that? - Mickey seemed really pissed off. So Gallagher slowly, pausing to take a sip of water from Mickey's bottle and wipe away his tears, recounted the events of the day.
- I'm gonna fucking kill them! - exclaimed the dark-haired boy furiously when Ian had finished.
- No, no, please don't go. - Ian muttered quietly, clutching his friend's hoodie tighter. It seemed to really calm Milkovich's anger, because he took a deep breath and nodded.
- I have a plan... to get out of here. You know, out of the South Side and out of Chicago in general. - Mickey began embarrassedly, but Gallagher's heart sank with a shudder, Mickey is going to leave him, leave. But Milkovich continued: - So, I was wondering if you might want to leave with me.
Ian's heart raced again and a happy smile appeared on his face.
- Yes, yes, please, can we get away from here? - he felt hopeful again.
Mickey nodded accordingly and shared with him his plan, which really only included two points : steal his brother's car, who is always stoned and won't notice until a week later, and then drive until they get far enough away and find a suitable town to live in. Mickey also mentioned that maybe in time the Gallaghers would come to their senses and things would fall into place. But Ian didn't want to think about that, he was already living for tomorrow, hoping to get as far away from this shithole as possible.
- It'll be okay, it'll get better, I promise. - Mickey whispered in his ear, and Ian really believed it.

Chapter Text

Хай ідуть під три чорти
Заслуги і старання
Знов забув як заробив
Рубці-татуювання
[ Let them go to hell
that merits and effort
And again i have forgot how i got
Scars — tattooes ]
Рубці (Scars) – dity inzheneriv

Mickey's fists were seriously itching. More than anything, he wanted to find the freaks who'd beaten up Ian and destroy them. But instead he found himself sneaking around the living room of the Milkovich house like a master thief. With a look of deep disgust on his face, he sidestepped Terry sprawled on the couch. He had to muster all his strength not to smother this man with a pillow. The man who had terrorized his existence for his entire life, even when he didn't know Mickey was gay. A man who beat his wife for years until she simply ran away, disappearing into the unknown. A man who beat his daughter until she found a way to leave. And here he lay on the couch, miserable, soaked in alcohol in a way that could rival Frank Gallagher. Mickey realized that he was now superior to this man in every way, he could take the pillow that lay next to him and just rob him of his breath forever, he could take out his gun and just pull the trigger. He could have. But Ian Gallagher's voice sounded traitorous in his head.
"You're better than this," and "Don't leave me, please," was the voice of fucking Ian Gallagher in his head. Mickey didn't understand how that boy had managed to completely take over his mind so quickly. But he knew he couldn't leave the redhead now and go to the adult boys' prison. Even if killing Terry was his greatest desire, he couldn't do it. He realized that the puppy dog look in Ian's green eyes would haunt him in his dreams for the rest of his life. So he forced himself to walk past, as quietly as possible, but still grabbing the wad of money from Terry's jacket pocket. Because first, he deserved something for all his years of suffering, and second, because he and Ian could use the money. In the kitchen Mickey found a couple packs of Pop-Tarts, jerky and six cans of beer; since Mendy had left, all other food had disappeared from the house, but that didn't matter now. If all went well, they wouldn't be here tomorrow.
The boy walked quietly into his old room and realized right away that Terry had been here and gone through his things. Mickey took a deep breath, trying to contain his anger. He decided he wanted to get out of here as soon as possible, stuffed a few t-shirts into a pillowcase, some jeans he could find amongst all the clutter, two socks from different pairs and some spare clothes for Ian just in case.
Finishing up in his old room, Milkovich carefully walked over to Iggy, who was sleeping peacefully on his mattress.
- I'm sorry, brother, but I really need this. - Mickey whispered and pulled the car key out of his pants.
This place was over, Mickey hoped never to come back here again.
***
The sun had already appeared above the horizon when Mickey saw the redhead in the distance and his heart warmed. He knew that no matter what, Ian was very attached to his family, which meant that he would probably want to go back to Chicago someday. But right now he wanted to go with Mickey. He had chosen Mickey and it was so amazing, because no one had ever chosen him before.
Right now Ian actually looked pretty happy. At least outwardly, he was smiling through his teeth and his eyes were shining happily, and in the short time they'd known each other, Mickey had noticed that the kid really didn't know how to hide his emotions. Or he just wasn't shy about expressing them in front of Mickey, which was quite flattering. And Mickey.... Well he just wanted to protect the redhead and keep new scars from appearing on his tortured skin. Yes, Mickey had many scars of his own, he didn't even remember the origin of all of them, but this was different. His scars were just physical, and every one of Ian's wounds displayed deep emotional pain. Milkovich just wanted Ian to feel no more pain. He wanted the younger boy to be happy and smiling like he was now. And Mickey was prepared to do anything to make that happen. And the first thing he had to do was to get Gallagher out of this black hole that sucked everyone in. When the guy came up to Mickey, the first thing he asked was:
- Are you really sure? Ian just nodded, a seriousness on his face.
- Yeah, I want to get out of here.
- And you're ready to quit school? - Mickey clarified.
- You're seriously asking that, after what happened yesterday? - The redhead asked incredulously. Mickey was embarrassed, because it was a stupid question, and Gallagher's face was still badly bruised.
- Anyway, wherever we go, I think I can get a GED or something.
- Well in that case, hop in the car, Freckles. - Mickey grinned a crooked smile and put out a burnt cigarette against the bumper.
Ian quickly obeyed, falling into the front seat and even buckled himself in with a shabby seatbelt. Mickey had to clamp his mouth with the palm of his hand to keep from laughing at the action. He, in turn, climbed into the driver's seat and started the engine.
- Uh... So, where are we going? - The red-haired guy asked curiously.
- Honestly, I couldn't choose, but I have a map and I thought we could just point a finger ?
- That's a great idea! If we pick at random, we'll be harder to find. - Ian agreed and Mickey unfolded an old map of the states he'd found under Mendy's bed.
He handed it to Gallagher and nodded for him to choose. So Ian twirled his hand and traced his finger over some small town.
- Lakeville. - He read it and looked questioningly at Mickey.
- So we're going to Minnesota. It's not very far, but it's not as obvious as Minneapolis, for instance. Although I doubt anyone would realize we'd left Chicago that quickly. - confirmed Mickey.
- Even if they did, it would take a long time for everyone to realize we'd left together. Not that anyone would even know we're in touch. - muttered Ian.
- Hey, don't be sad, please. I know they're your family. But they'll realize that they really love you. It might take a little time, but they'll realize. - Mickey put his hand on Ian's shoulder and squeezed it gently.
- Thank you. - The redhead replied hoarsely. - So, Lakeville then?
A wide smile reappeared on his face.
- Yeah, fucking Minnesota. - Mickey laughed. Ian backed up his laughter, and they drove off, leaving miles of hurt, pain, and bitter memories behind them.

Chapter Text

Freedom is just another word for nothin' left to lose
Me and Bobby McGee - Janis Joplin

- So, uh. What are we doing? - Ian asked when they'd been traveling for almost an hour. Mickey looked at him questioningly.
- What do you mean?
- Why don't we play 20 questions? - the redhead suggested tentatively.
Mickey looked at him like he was an idiot.
- Why don't we paint each other's nails and weave friendship bracelets? - His voice was drenched in sarcasm.
- Uh-.... Well, pretty much.... - Ian blushed like a fucking tomato.
- What's a Gallagher? And then Ian pulled two bracelets out of the inside pocket where he usually kept his blade. One was green with brown dots and the other was blue with blue. Mickey laughed so hard he had to pull over and stop the car.
- Oh, my God, you're so gay. - he managed to squeeze out in between laughs.
- I just thought it would be nice and you're my first friend! Besides, I don't think it's the weave that makes you gay," the redhead justified himself, and Milkovich couldn't calm down. His laughter turned to hiccups when he reached out and tugged on Ian's sleeve.
- Okay, give me your bracelet. Ian's eyes lit up with happiness and he handed Mickey the blue band.
- No, give me the green one. - Milkovich objected.
- Oh, I just thought blue would suit your eyes. - Ian was confused, but Mickey just gave him another look.
- It's better if you have blue and I have green, to remind us of each other. - he explained briefly.
- And you call me gay. - Gallagher laughed.
- Shut the fuck up! - replied the dark-haired boy angrily. Ian bit his lower lip to hold back a smile and pulled Mickey's right hand. He tied his shoelaces carefully, and just then their eyes met. The redhead thought about how soft the older boy's lips must have been. They looked so velvety.... But at that moment a truck drove down the road and it shattered the bubble they were in. Ian blushed, and Mickey coughed awkwardly.
- Well, uh... I'll move on. - he muttered, starting the engine.
They drove on in silence, but all the while Ian was cursing himself for the oversight. He should have been more careful. Sure, Mickey was hot and cute, and he was definitely gay, but that didn't mean he had to like Ian. In fact, he didn't think he was worthy of Mickey at all. Mickey was nice and sensitive , noticed him, helped him and was really taking him somewhere better now. Ian didn't consider himself an interesting person, or at least handsome enough to make up for being boring. The only long-term relationship he'd ever been in was with his manipulative boss, which in itself was a red flag. Besides, he hardly had anything to give Milkovich. All he had was a scant set of clothes in his army backpack and some money, some of which the redhead had stolen from Kesh, which he was proud of. At least Mickey had a car and a plan. From all that, Ian decided it would be better if he accepted everything as it was and didn't insist on anything. After a couple more minutes Mickey was the first to break the silence, but he didn't seem to be planning to lighten the atmosphere in the car.
- How do you think those assholes knew you were ... You know, gay? - He asked awkwardly. Ian blushed. He'd thought about it a lot and he did have a couple of ideas, but he didn't want the older guy to get hurt over it.
- Gallagher! - Mickey insisted. - If I tell you, promise me you won't do anything. I don't want you to go to prison.
- Ian felt his cheeks go blotchy again. He didn't want to be so obvious.
- All right, all right, I won't do anything.
- Mickey didn't care about his worries, or just decided not to say anything.
- No, promise.
- How about a pinky swear, too? Gallagher, honestly, I feel like I'm taking an eight-year-old girl on this trip.
Ian turned resentfully to the window.
- Okay, I promise I won't do anything about it, especially since we're not even in Chicago anymore. And I don't think we'll be back anytime soon. - The dark-haired boy muttered meekly. Ian grinned victoriously.
- Actually, I'm not sure, but I think it might have been Spikey.
- Like Roger Spikey? - Mickey asked incredulously.
- Yeah.
- And how did he know? - Milkovitch's eyebrows rose to the height of his hair.
Ian hesitated before answering.
- A couple years ago, we were kind of friends with benefits. And he wanted more, and I didn't. I didn't even like him. So we stopped doing things. I thought everything was fine, but not too long ago I met him outside of school. He offered me a quick fuck and I said no. I guess he's still resentful. I think he's the one who sicced those sheep on me." the redhead said it lightly, but really, the story was weighing him down. For some reason, people often didn't take his refusal, kept urging him on, and if he still didn't agree, took offense.
- Bloody hell! - Mickey yelled so loud that Ian's ears popped. Milkovich slapped his hands on the steering wheel several times. - I'm going to fucking kill him, goddamn it!
- What the fuck, Mick? - Ian said indignantly. - You promised you wouldn't do anything! You can't kill anyone! And besides, then we're not likely to get to Minnesota.
Mickey nodded convulsively and started doing breathing exercises. Gallagher wondered like hell where he'd learned to do them, because Mickey calmed himself down with breathing quite often. But he decided it would be better to keep his mouth shut.
Once Mickey got himself under control, the ride became easier and calmer. They had traveled most of the way when Ian actually felt tired. The redhead rested his head back on the headrest, sighed, and looked at Mickey. Amidst the overcast day, he looked so damn good. Gallagher felt safe. The last thing he saw before he fell asleep were beautiful blue eyes and a slight smile on velvet lips.

Chapter Text

Tonight is gonna be the loneliest
You're still the oxygen I breathe
I see your face when I close my eyes
It's torturous
Tonight is gonna be the loneliest
måneskin - THE LONELIEST

Mickey couldn't help smiling when he saw his friend fall asleep. Gallagher was so peaceful in his sleep, all the wrinkles of anxiety gone. He seemed always tense during the day, ready to defend himself at any moment, but when he slept, he was like a little ginger kitten. Mickey really didn't understand how anyone could not want to protect this man. But worst of all, he really didn't understand how anyone could not fall in love with him. He knew it was a bad idea, knew Ian deserved better. But he couldn't, he just couldn't stay away. Mickey vowed to himself that he would protect the redhead from all harm. He decided he would be there for him, all the time, until Ian himself told him to fuck off. And maybe a little, just a little, at the very least, enjoy the situation and Gallagher's company. And, if need be, he'd be a friend, but a damn good friend. With those thoughts in mind, Mickey drove into Lakeville and parked outside a small motel in complete silence. He just hoped the place wasn't too expensive. Mickey didn't bother to wake the redhead, he just got out quietly and closed the car door.
It was a nice place that immediately made Milkovich feel more relaxed, which was very rare. The two-story building was surrounded by young maples and shrubbery. It was already getting dark, but it was still obvious that the motel was rather sloppily painted white. A sign dangled above the door, "Ramilda's Hotel." But none of that bothered Mickey. He was really tired now, and his thoughts were only about a bed, and a certain Freckles, who was now sleeping peacefully in the passenger seat of his brother's smoky car, was also looming somewhere on the edge of his mind. But that was only because Gallagher never left his mind for a moment, just sometimes the thoughts of him got a little quieter. Mickey thought it was odd, because he'd only known the kid for a few days, but decided to just take it as it came.
He pushed open the heavy door and was immediately immersed in the measured hum of the hotel like a bee hive. He couldn't say he was comfortable. Mickey didn't like people at all, and he simply hated people in large numbers, so he felt mildly uneasy. But after Terry had exposed him and kicked him out of the house after a preventative beating, his whole life had changed. Besides the panic was mostly overridden by the excitement of what he was about to do. He walked up to the front desk. There sat a sweet old lady with hair as white as snow. She looked like an angel in general, but for some reason, she looked embarrassed and frightened at Mickey. Perhaps it was the look in her piercing eyes, or perhaps it was her strange necklace that glittered and reflected everything around her. That necklace looked like it was made of a hundred little eyes. It took Milkovich all his strength to tear his gaze away from the strange jewelry.
- Hello young man, I am Ramilda, what can I do for you? - She spoke high-pitchedly, which made the guy even more embarrassed, and he was never embarrassed at all. So now he felt like falling under the ground instead of realizing what he had planned. But he pulled himself together, he really wanted to do it.
- Uh, hi," he mumbled. - I need a room, a double. For a couple nights, with the possibility of an extension.
- Of course, we have a lovely room with two beds, a bathroom and a terrace. - she said cheerfully, but meanly.
- Oh, no, I need one bed. One big bed for two people. - Mickey felt the heat flood his cheeks. But the woman didn't start to look judgmental at all. She just winked conspiratorially and put the key on the counter.
- We have one of those, too. - she said cheerfully. The fun didn't seem to leave the woman at all. - So, write down your name and phone number here.
Mickey wrote down a new number that no one but Ian knew and changed a few letters in his last name just in case. He gave a decent amount of money for the room, got his key and thanked the old lady as politely as possible.
When he arrived, Gallagher was already awake. He was standing leaning against the car and looking around thoughtfully. He had that strange, grim expression on his face again.
- Hey, Gallagher. - Mickey called out to him. A smile immediately appeared on the redhead's face. The older guy felt good about it. - I paid for our room.
- Oh, thank the gods. - The redhead moaned and Mickey forced himself as hard as he could not to think about it. - My neck can't take much more sleeping in the car.
Milkovich grinned and tossed the room key to Ian, who caught it deftly.
They took the same route Mickey had taken before, but this time Ramild wasn't there. The older guy just shrugged at that fact and followed his companion.
Ian pushed open the door and Mickey held his breath. He was a little uneasy, but he would never admit it.
- Oh, one bed? - He asked simply.
- Yeah, uh... they didn't have any other rooms. - As casually as possible, the older man replied. That didn't turn out so well.
- I don't mind, we're adults. - Ian replied, and Mickey was relieved. - But dibs on my window seat and I can cuddle in my sleep, so don't kill me later.
Mickey honestly tried to hide the look of absolute happiness on his face. To no avail. But Ian didn't notice anything, or just pretended to... he just threw his backpack beside the bed and shouted to Mickey:
- I'm going to take a shower. - And disappeared behind the bathroom door.
Milkovich looked thoughtfully in his wake. He couldn't believe that all this was really happening to him. It couldn't have happened, he couldn't have been so lucky. But it really was... and the proof was the sound of water behind the door and the old backpack on the floor by the bed. And something else that had fallen out of that very backpack.
Mickey walked over to the object on the floor and realized it was a photograph. He picked it up, and it was a Gallagher family photo. It appeared to be from a long time ago, because everyone was much younger. Mickey recognized Ian unmistakably. The curly-haired redhead was standing in the middle, smiling full-mouth and missing a front tooth. He seemed so happy then, the siblings snuggled up to each other and hugged. Apparently Monica was still alive then.
The boy's chest pinched at the thought of how much Ian loved his family and how hard it must be for him when they acted like that to him. Mickey wanted to take his pain away, but he didn't know how to do it. But no matter how, he will definitely make this man's life better. He would do everything in his power and more.

Chapter Text

This whipping boy done wrong
Deprived of all his thoughts
The young man struggles on and on, he's known.
Metallica - The Unforgiven

Ian sensed something was wrong. Mickey was acting strange, nervous, answering questions at random. But he'd gotten them a room with one bed, and Ian hoped it really wasn't a coincidence.
When he entered the bathroom, the first thing he did was smoke a cigarette to calm his nerves, because his hands were shaking with adrenaline. The smoke penetrated his lungs, but the tremors didn't calm down. Ian felt fear and happiness at the same time, but besides that, he was damn curious. Wondering if his family had already noticed he hadn't come home, if they missed him or didn't care, if they would look for him. He wanted them to look, but he didn't want them to find him. He wanted to just dissolve into a bubble of happiness next to Mickey. But the emotions were too much, he had to do something.
'Once, just once' he thought. Ian tried not to think about how that sounded like an excuse as he pulled the blade from his inside pocket. He also tried not to think about it as he picked a spot that Mickey wouldn't notice. He didn't know why, but he didn't want Mickey to see it.
"Just don't want to upset him" Gallagher said to himself. He pulled down his jeans and lifted the boxers on his right leg. There were still few cuts here, the spot fit perfectly because Ian hated opening up old scars. He hated his scars in general and hated looking at them, but he loved the power. The power he had over his body when he made cuts. It wasn't Kesh telling him what to do, or Monica or Fiona. It was himself.
He ran the sharp metal over his thigh and passively watched as drops of blood protruded. He felt strange and detached, this had never happened before when he'd made cuts. Ian was still relieved that the intrusive thoughts were gone, but the strange burning in his chest remained. To make matters worse, every time he closed his eyes, he could see Mickey's piercing blue gaze. That look oozed contempt and disappointment. Milkovich had never looked at him like that in real life, but the vision was so real that Ian wanted to die. But he still remembered the bubble of happiness they had built, he wanted to go back to his Mickey. His Mickey, who was supportive and kind and who Ian didn't really have the right to call his own, but wanted to so badly.
So he wet his hair to give the illusion that he had showered, changed into the gray robe that was on the shelf and went into the room. He found his friend sleeping peacefully. Mickey was curled up around a huge pillow and looked so peaceful and happy that Ian was scared to even touch him. But he did it anyway. Climbed up behind the older boy and nuzzled his nose into the back of his head. For the first time in years, the redhead felt at home, safe.
***
They woke up a tangle of limbs. Ian would have lain like that forever, but he really didn't want to get into an awkward position with Mickey and the obvious boner he himself had now. That was what made him gently release himself from the clinging embrace and head for the bath. The redhead was still feeling tired, so he didn't have the energy to fight the problem any other way than getting into the cold water. That helped.
Ian slept well, but still didn't get much sleep. But he also felt like he wasn't going to get any more sleep, so he decided instead to look for a bakery to have some fresh pastries for breakfast. It was a good plan, but the big downside was that he had no idea where to go and didn't want to hang around like a fool. Though he also didn't feel like socializing with strangers right now, he was too tired for that.
The redhead pulled a coarse-knit sweater over his head, which he guessed was Mickey's, judging by the length of the sleeves. But it smelled like home, namely strong coffee, cheap cigarettes, and something like vanilla, and Ian couldn't help himself. Anyway, a jacket and a shitty scarf with holes was worn over the sweater, which kept him warm anyway.
He stepped outside and shivered. It was October, but it was still pretty cold and the wind was blowing through his jacket. Ian didn't like fall, and with good reason. The cold and rain always reminded him of Monica, the pools of blood on the floor and the smell of the morgue. But now he had Mickey beside him, his friend, and that had never happened before. Now he wanted to create new memories of the fall, but it would take a long time.
Ian walked wherever he was looking and came across a rather cozy street with stores and cafes, that's where the bakery was. Everything there was already decorated for Halloween, which was nice. They hadn't celebrated the holiday at home for a long time, though Ian loved it. But what caught his attention the most was an ad looking for new employees. So the redhead came out of the bakery with a bag of fresh puffs, two glasses of coffee, and a new job as a waiter. Not that it was his dream job, but it was a way to pay the bills and besides, he had long since forgotten what dreams were. He used to dream of becoming an officer, fighting for his country he didn't even mind dying, but everything was shattered by an iceberg named Monica. When she died, Frank literally lost his mind and started drinking even more. Before that, she just wasn't around, she might have been dead, but Frank had hope that somewhere out there she was. I guess that's what kept him afloat. So Frank started drinking even more, he kept finding his kids' money, no matter how much they hid. It ended with Fiona going to another job, Lip coming up with new scams, and Ian taking extra shifts at the store. In the end, ROTC could be forgotten about. By and large, it was also affecting his grades at school. Though Ian didn't even know why he still went there. He had lost his purpose and didn't see the point in continuing to go there anymore. The guy just drifted along, waking up in the morning and living until the evening, his life was a gray canvas, boring and aimless. Until Mickey tore into it with a bright spot of color and emotion. Ian thought that if heaven existed, it should feel like this. Perhaps it was Mickey who would help him find a new meaning to live and strive for.
***
Finding his way back was harder because Gallagher didn't look where he was going and didn't memorize. Maybe he took a few wrong turns and maybe the coffee was getting cold, but he eventually came upon the place where they'd stopped. True he came from a completely different direction.
He stepped inside and immediately felt a pleasant warmth climbing under his skin. Behind the counter sat a sweet old lady who could probably strike fear into any guest here.
- Good morning. - Ian said a polite hello.
She smiled radiantly.
- Hello, young man, my name is Ramilda. What can I do for you? - she asked and it was a little embarrassing.
- Uh, nothing, I'm just in room three. - replied Ian.
- Ah, you're with that pleasant young man who took the keys yesterday. - Ramilda smirked understandingly.
Ian chuckled, because although he knew Mickey rather poorly, he could definitely tell that when he first met him he couldn't be described as pleasant.
- Yes, that was Mickey. I just went to get coffee. - he raised the drink coaster expressively.
- Well, bon appetit, I won't keep you. - She did that understanding smile again, which made Ian blush for some reason. He nodded and hurried away, not wanting to continue the strange conversation.
***
When Ian entered the room, Mickey was awake. He was sitting in a pile of blankets, looking around thoughtfully.
- Hey. - Ian smiled.
- Hey. - Mickey replied hoarsely.
- I brought coffee and scones and got a job.
- What time did you get up? - Milkovich raised his eyebrows, which made Ian laugh.
- Not that early, coffee, scones and work all rolled into one.
Mickey muttered something about fucking lucky redheads in response, which made Gallagher laugh even harder, and aggressively took a bite of a raspberry jam bun.

Chapter Text

Such a lonely day shouldn't exist
It's a day that I'll never miss
Such a lonely day, and it's mine
The most loneliest day of my life
And if you go, I wanna go with you
And if you die, I wanna die with you
Take your hand and walk away
System of a down - Lonely day

Mickey liked Lakeville. In general, it was very different from Chicago, or at least the South Side. All his life, he had to constantly hide or run away from something. Terry was always making his kids do his dirty work or clean up after themselves. This usually involved getting rid of a body or just cleaning up a crime scene. No matter how much Mickey convinced himself and everyone around him that he didn't care or that he was used to it, it was far from true. He hated it. He wished he never had to kill anyone, but even looking into the dead eyes of a random person who got in his father's way was horrible. They all haunted Mickey in his dreams, even though he didn't even know their names. But he didn't fully feel how much it was wearing him down mentally and physically until he left there. Now, away from his father and the ghosts of the past, he could truly feel how hard it had been to live there, on the South Side, and how easy and free it had been here. Even if they hadn't traveled that far, here with Ian was good for them. Peaceful. Yes, calm was exactly the right word to describe their life once they got into a routine. It had been three days since they'd arrived and Ian had started working at the bakery and Mickey had found a job at the construction site. He didn't know exactly what they were building, but it was definitely some kind of mansion for some rich guy. They decided to live with Ramilda until they could rent an apartment or something small that they could afford. But that probably wouldn't happen anytime soon. They still had the money Ian had stolen from his old boss and the money Mickey had saved, but it wasn't enough. So they tried to spend as little as possible. For the same reason, Ian was taking all the shifts he could at the café, and Mickey was going to work now, even though it was only five in the morning. But even with the insane workload, the constant saving, and living in a motel, he was fine. It was good because Ian was always there for him. They spent every spare minute together, talking a lot and getting to know each other better. Mickey realized that he hadn't made a mistake in this man, who had liked him from the first moments of their interaction. If the soul mate theory was real, Ian would definitely be his soul mate. The redhead was funny, kind and caring, and he always knew what to say and when not to say it. He was both everything and nothing you could imagine. One word to describe him was too many and a thousand words were too few. It was just Ian. Redheaded, cute, with huge hands and freckles everywhere and scars that made Mickey want to cry, but they were still a part of Ian. It all made him feel like he was in a constant state of flight.
The work was hard physically, but it helped to let himself go. Even when they were away from the South Side, Mickey was still haunted by thoughts mostly of his old business of having to work for Terry. Or rather, being Terry's slave.
Mickey liked the regimen, too. Every day now he woke up at the same time, got dressed, drank his coffee, grabbed the food Ian had brought from work the day before and went to the construction site. He hadn't really socialized with anyone yet, but the guys at the construction site seemed normal. They minded their own business and didn't say anything unnecessary. Mickey liked them.
***
The day passed slowly, it was a little cold, but not noticeable while working. Milkovich was thoughtfully shifting bricks, but his thoughts were quiet, mostly about what he and Ian would eat for dinner or something else like that. He didn't even notice when Will walked up to him. Will was a guy who was probably about five years older than Mickey and was someone who always wanted to socialize.
- Hey, Milkovich. - The guy called out to him.
- Hey? - Mickey said hello uncertainly.
- It's Friday night and me and the guys are going out for a drink, do you want to join us?
- Okay, I don't mind. - Mickey agreed because, well, why not? First of all, he'd never been to a bar in Lakeville before. Second, he hadn't been to many bars besides the Alibi. Besides, he figured it was good to have a change of scenery every now and then, and he didn't want to bore Ian.
- Cool, man. We're going at five o'clock. - Will said and went back to his robot.
Mickey looked around before pulling out his phone because he really didn't want to get fired over something as stupid as a phone. He hated text messages, more often than not his fingers wouldn't hit the keys and when he read them he'd get a headache. But he knew Ian was at work right now too, so calling wasn't an option. He gritted his teeth angrily and started writing.
Mickey: Hey, going out for drinks with the guys after work. (3:15 p.m.)
Ian: Making friends? Who are they? Are they nice? Way to go! There will be chicken for dinner, but I won't eat without you, I'll wait. ( 3:17pm)
Mickey grinned, Ian was always ridiculously cheerful in his messages, which wasn't always true. Gallagher's moods often changed in his life, he could be cheerful and active and the next second he would remember something that put him in a state of apathy and brooding. Mickey still hadn't figured out which state was more real and didn't know how to get Ian out of it. He really wanted to make the kid happy, but he didn't know how.
Mickey: Don't get your panties in a twist, princess. (3:17 PM)
Mickey: It's no big deal. I'll see you tonight. (3:18 p.m.)
Ian: Okay, we'll talk at home. Micky: Good luck! (3:18 p.m.)
We'll talk at home... That phrase made Mickey's heart do somersaults in his chest. It sounded like they were together, living in their home, in their place, as a couple. Something a man like him couldn't really dream of. Because he was Milkovich, and that's like a factory setting, you can't change it. But that's exactly what Ian was doing. They weren't even a couple, but he was just destroying all the laws and breaking the rules.
***
The bar they came to was almost empty, there were a couple people sitting behind the bar, a few playing pool. It all reminded Mickey a lot of The Alibi, which made him feel unsafe for a second. Terry had been to the bar on the South Side too often. But then he saw the bartender-it was a young girl with bright green hair who was as casual as could be-and it brought him back to reality.
Besides Will with them were All, whose full name Mickey didn't know, Sem, who looked like all Sem's, Theo, who was the oldest and Stan, who was just Stan. So there were six of them, so they took a booth and pulled another chair over to it to accommodate everyone.
They all ordered a beer from the girl with the green hair and Mickey felt out of place. He was clearly the youngest one here and all the topics of conversation were as far removed from his life as they could be. Stan talked about his problems with his wife, and Mickey wasn't getting married, at least not to a woman. Theo mentioned grandchildren in general, and Mickey was as far away from that as the moon. So he just sipped his beer and listened to the conversations. In fact, he was so distracted that he was even startled when he was approached.
- So where are you from, Mickey? - Sem asked.
- Chicago. South Side. - Milkovich answered briefly.
- I've never been to Chicago. - Theo said thoughtfully.
- Nothing to lose, man. - Mickey grinned bitterly.
- So you moved to Minnesota for good? - Will, who was the closest to Mickey in age, asked.
- It's not bad here, but I don't know, man, we haven't been here long.
- We?" All said Will. Mickey noticed that he was the biggest gossip of the group. - Are you here with a guy or a girl?
Milkovich blushed, he was totally unused to the fact that someone could suggest he had a boyfriend without any negativity or homophobia.
- Uh, no, just with a friend. - He felt himself blushing even more and embarrassing himself. But the guys just laughed in a friendly way, and All winked at Mickey and they continued chatting about detached topics.
***
They left the bar after a couple more beers and it was still light enough to walk to the motel.
- So where do you and your friend live? - Will asked as everyone went in different directions.
- Well, we're staying at Ramilda's for now, but we're starting to look for an apartment. - Mickey answered because he figured he wasn't in any danger right now.
- My uncle is looking for tenants, I'll ask him and see if you guys can agree on a price. It's a small apartment, but it's not too expensive. - Will said it as simply as if he was talking about the weather, and Mickey couldn't believe it was real.
- Really? That would be really cool, man, thanks! - Milkovich thanked sincerely.
- You're welcome for now, but I'll tell you when I find out. All right, I'll turn here, and you go on. - replied the guy and went the other way. - See you later, Milkovich.
- Yeah, yeah... - he nodded, looking thoughtfully after his new acquaintance.
The guy walked towards the motel, his mind was unusually empty and light. For the first time in his life, he was talking to someone who wasn't his father's friends or relatives. And these people actually treated him well. It was exhilarating.
Mickey was so detached in his thoughts that he didn't even immediately hear when he was called out.
- Mikhailo? Micky, is that you?" the voice was so familiar it gave the boy a headache. But it couldn't be. He must have been hallucinating or something. Because he'd clearly, like the sun on a clear day, seen his mother's ghost. Or what else could it have been if she had disappeared almost four years ago? Terry had assured them she was dead, so how could she be standing on the other side of the road now?
- Mihaylo, I know you can see me! - She shouted sternly in a completely Laura Milkovich style. This brought Mickey out of his stupor. He turned and ran as far away from the woman as he could to Ian's safety. He could still hear the woman screaming behind him, but he didn't stop. He didn't stop until he found himself behind the thick door of room number three, Ramilda's Motel.
- Mickey? Is everything all right? - Ian asked surprised when he saw him. But Mickey couldn't answer. He was breathing heavily, slid down the wall to the floor and fell deep into himself.
***
The Milkoviches never really celebrated the holidays. They never had a turkey for Thanksgiving, a tree for Christmas, or presents for their birthdays. But this day was a really good day. It was Mendy's birthday and the best part of the day was that Terry was in jail. Laura had thought of a special birthday party for her daughter. With all the money she could find, she bought a cake and a doll for the girl. The doll wasn't new, probably had been to several children, and the cake was the cheapest one the store had. But Mendy was so happy, she was just showing Mickey her doll. Mickey always loved to play with his little sister, but rarely did because of Terry. And that day the three of them were really happy - Laura, Mendy and Mickey.
It was almost midnight when the door swung open and in walked a drunken Terry. And it just so happened that the older Milkovich's gaze fell on his son, who was holding his sister's doll.
- Fucking faggot! - Roared the man and threw himself at the child. He grabbed Mickey's hair with force and threw the child into the wall. Mickey's eyes filled with tears of pain and hurt, but Terry was even angrier.
- Don't you cry, you little shit. - And slapped his son on the right cheek. Mickey bit his lip to keep from crying and kept quiet. At that moment Laura rushed to the child's defense. She covered him with her body, looking boldly into her husband's eyes.
- Don't touch him. - she said quietly but firmly. Then the man turned his anger on Laura.
- You lying bitch, look what you've raised. - he yelled, punching the woman in the stomach. He continued hitting her as she lay silently on the floor, looking at the terrified children with her huge and sad eyes.
***
At first Mickey felt distantly as if someone was touching his shoulder. He felt a slight shaking, through the haze of memories and heard a voice.
- Micky, hey, Mick, wake up. Mick, it's me, Ian. - The voice was pleasant, but very distant. Micky tried to focus his attention on the naked man and not on his mother who was lying on the floor in front of him. He tried to remember who Ian was. And the next second, someone grabbed his cheek and pressed their lips firmly against his. The lips were chapped but warm, it felt good, it was shocking. Mickey opened his eyes wide and inhaled sharply, deeply.
Gallagher was in front of him, staring at him with wide-open eyes.
- Shit. Shit, I'm sorry," Ian whispered nervously. - I just couldn't get through to you, I figured I needed to shock you.
- It's okay, it's nothing. - Mickey nodded frantically. He didn't know how to feel at this moment and decided to think about it later.
- 'Well anyway, it seems to have helped. - Ian chuckled. - 'What the hell happened to you?
- I saw my mom today...
- How? - Ian was clearly as shocked as Mickey.
- Well, either I'm seriously troubled and hallucinating, or she's here in Lakeville.

Chapter Text

It's way too soon, I know this isn't love
But I need to tell you something
I really, really, really, really, really, really like you
And I want you, do you want me, do you want me, too?
I really, really, really, really, really, really like you
And I want you, do you want me, do you want me, too?
Сarly Rae Jepsen - I really like

Ian didn't know what he was thinking when he kissed Mickey. But once he crossed that line, there was no turning back. Once he had touched his lips to his own once, he never wanted to kiss anyone else ever again.
He realized that Mickey really didn't care about that right now. If his mother was really in Lakeville, that could be a real problem. That meant they would have to be more careful now, Mickey never wanted to be found. Ian thought about his siblings missing him and looking for him, but those were more like dreams.
Mickey, on the other hand, didn't seem to mind that Ian kissed him, and it gave a warm feeling of hope. Ian thought a lot about Mickey's mom, too. Was she really here? Mickey had said she was dead or gone, but no one knew where she was. How could Laura be here, was it a coincidence or some terrible joke? It was so good for the two of them, they could live their lives, do whatever they wanted and not worry about running into anyone who would recognize them.
Ian turned in bed and looked at the older boy's back, who was sleeping peacefully. After the first night at the motel, they had always slept within arm's length of each other, but last night was different. Mickey was upset and wrecked, Ian helped him change into sweatpants, washed his face with warm water and helped him lie down. When Gallagher wanted to move away, his friend grabbed his hand and placed it on his stomach. The redhead coughed embarrassedly, but curled up in the shape of a large spoon around the older guy, breathing in his scent. Mickey smelled like home.
The alarm clock rang a second time and Ian sighed irritably and pulled away from Milkovich. Even though Mickey had the day off, Ian still had a shift at the bakery. Gallagher was glad the older guy could rest and get a proper night's sleep after last night. And secretly hoped that Mick wouldn't purposely go to the trouble of looking for Laura today.
- Micky, Mick. - Ian called out in a whisper.
- Mm?
- I'm going to work, but you sleep.
- Uh-huh. - Micky mumbled and fell asleep immediately. Gallagher laughed softly and lightly pecked him on the temple.
***
Ian went downstairs and found Ramilda in her usual spot. She was thoughtfully munching on a croissant and sipping her coffee. She noticed the guy right away and smiled broadly with her snow-white smile. Ian wondered if they were real teeth, they seemed too perfect.
- Good morning, mon ami. - She said hello cheerfully.
- Good morning, Ramilda. - Ian replied embarrassed.
- Isn't the weather lovely today? - said the woman. Ian looked out the window doubtfully; it was raining outside, and the weather was not even normal, not even good. But Ian didn't know what to say, so he just nodded, and she didn't even notice his hesitation.
- Yes, yes,” the woman went on. - Where's your boy, he's not feeling well today?
That made Gallagher blush.
- I don't... I mean, we're not-- I mean. Well, we're not together. I mean, we're friends. - then he realized that's not what she was asking. - But Mickey's just tired from work.
- Oh, I hope he feels better. You two make such a cute couple. - she gave Ian a sly look.
- What makes you think we're a couple? - The redhead asked embarrassed.
- 'Honey, I'm too old to not notice things like that. Besides, see this? - she pointed to her strange necklace and Ian nodded because yes, he saw it. - This necklace is a peacock's eye, and thanks to it I can see and notice everything around me, especially in my own motel...
There was a strange pause, because Ian expected Ramilda to start explaining where it came from, but she didn't. Instead she said:
- And if you can't see that you need to be together, it's about time you did. You'll help each other. - She said cryptically and Ian caught himself nodding at her.
- Anyway, I have to get to work, have a good day my friend.
- Goodbye. - Gallagher replied embarrassed. He looked at his watch, realized he was already late and ran out into the rain.
Ian politely said hello to his coworkers, whose names he couldn't remember because there were too many of them and because he wasn't trying hard enough. He changed into his apron and glimpsed at his phone screen. There was no new message or call from the family. Ian considered whether or not he'd be upset about that, but he didn't have time to decide.
The work day was busy, as all weekends usually were, but Sarah the manageress had said it was possible to get a good tip. So Ian put on a wide smile that would hide all his real emotions and went to serve the tables. Sarah's pastries were incredible, there were a lot of people, Ian thought he was probably suffering from emotional burnout.
***
Mickey was fine, he was everything - understanding and kind and nice to Ian. He always noticed if Ian was in a bad mood, or just had a bad temper, Mickey knew just what to say.
Gallagher wanted to be like that too, wanted to be helpful, wanted to give love and comfort. It was hard and he didn't know how. Besides, Ian didn't want to impose his feelings on Milkovich, sympathy or crush or whatever, but he just couldn't get Ramilda's words out of his head. He'd never felt anything like that for anyone. What he and Kesh had... Ian didn't even know what to call it, but it was awful. Most of the time he wasn't even in the mood for sex, but no one cared, he had to be always ready, always happy, always cheerful and so much more. It was tiring so much that the guy didn't even have the energy to cry.
And Mickey... With Mickey he wanted to share everything, good and bad. He wanted to show his feelings in every possible way.
***
Gallagher found Milkovich sitting by the wet and gray window.
- Hey, Mick.
- Hey, Gallagher. - Micky gave him his weak smile, which Ian found the height of charm.
- How was your day?
- Found us an apartment. - Milkovich announced, which shocked the redhead to the core.
- What?” he asked.
- Nothing special, just a small studio. But I did the math and it'll be cheaper to rent than to stay here.
- Oh, that's great! It's incredible. - Ian went back into his enthusiastic state, but then he remembered he wanted to talk to Mickey and became awkwardly nervous again.
- Is something wrong, Gallagher? - The older boy asked worriedly.
- Uh... I just wanted to ask, I mean say something. I don't... I don't know, maybe it'll ruin our friendship, but I don't want it to ruin our friendship. - he was rambling, but Mickey was listening intently. - And if that's not true on your part, I just want you to know that I like you so much... And I'm not forcing you to do anything, I just wanted to say that....
- Shut up, Gallagher. - Micky asked hoarsely, looked into Ian's huge eyes and shortened the distance between them.
Now the redhead could feel the sweetness of Mickey's lips in full force. It was clear he had eaten a Snickers not too long ago and washed it down with coffee. Ian had kissed before, but it had never been THAT long. Even the first time Ian had kissed Mick it hadn't been like this, then it had been quick and rambling, now it was deep and passionate.
- Take me to our bed. - The older boy whispered and stroked Ian's cheek. It was going to be a hot night.

Chapter Text

Days pull you down just like a sinking ship
Floating is getting harder
But tread the water, child, and know that meanwhile
Rises the moon.

Liana Flores - Rises the moon

Mickey was a little nervous about asking Ian to take him to the bedroom. It wasn't that he was a shy virgin, it was just that nothing before had included any feelings. But Ian was different, plus it was clear that they would go to bed afterward and wake up together in the morning. Mickey was a little afraid of that, because he didn't know how to avoid awkwardness in the morning, he'd never spent the night with a girl, much less a guy. So this was special, Ian was special. And he was a safe place, so Milkovich took a breath and forced himself to calm down.
He sat on the edge of the bed and watched carefully as Ian pulled his sweater down over his head. Mickey had seen Ian completely naked before, but this was still different. Back then they'd both been tired and broken, but now it was leisurely and sensual. He could savor it.
The boy tried not to look at the younger man's scars, so as not to embarrass him or distract him.
Ian walked over to him, kissed him behind the ear and helped him remove the top layer of his clothes, so he was left with only a black tank top and jeans.
Mickey ran his hand over the redheaded boy's bare chest, down to his hard abs and the strip of red hair that went down past the waistband of his jeans. This boy was beautiful and yielded to every touch, making the best sounds Mickey had ever heard.
Milkovich looked down at him and pressed his lips to his belly, just above his navel. Ian groaned and bent over to relieve Mickey of his tank top.
- You look so fucking good. - Ian murmured, leaving wet kisses on his chest.
- 'Mm, you're pretty good too...' the dark haired guy agreed and unzipped his lover's pants.
Ian is fucking huge, Mickey already knew that, but the last time he saw Ian's dick, he wasn't going to fuck him or think about it.
But that wasn't a bad thing, quite the opposite, Milkovich caught himself licking himself.
Ian grinned smugly when he noticed this, but immediately choked on his own saliva because Milkovich's hot lips opened and wetly touched the head of his dick.
Oh, Mickey was good and he knew it, knew it because his hearing was fine. He could hear and see Ian collapse perfectly from his touch. Now it was Mickey's turn to be smug. He sucked greedily, wrapping his hand around the part he couldn't swallow. He did it like his life depended on it, but as soon as he felt Ian's breathing change, he pulled away.
Gallagher could only squeeze out faint sounds of protest.
- Oh, no. You fuck me first, Gallagher. - In a slightly commanding tone, Mickey stopped him, who was getting bolder. The words had a much bigger effect than he had expected. Ian grabbed him by the shoulders and roughly schwirled him onto the bed. It became physically painful for Mickey to stay in his pants any further, so he unbuttoned them and hurriedly tossed them aside.
Ian looked predatorily at the boy in front of him, leaned over, ran his nose along his neck and whispered, burning his ear hotly:
- I'm going to fuck you so hard you'll forget your name.
Mickey nodded in agreement and moved impatiently under Gallagher's hard body.
Ian was clearly restraining himself, trying hard to prolong what was happening as long as possible. His touch was both light and teasing as hell. He slowly traveled his hands and kisses down Milkovich's heated body. He sniffed his neck and it amused Mickey terribly.
- Are you a fucking junkie, laying a track of cocaine around my neck or something? - He laughed out loud.
- You're my personal brand of heroin. - Ian said in the voice of Edward from Twilight, managing to keep a serious expression on his face. Well yeah Mickey knew where that phrase came from, but only thanks to Mandy for making him watch that shit!
- Shit, dude, stop with the quotes or I'll throw up. - Mickey asked as soon as he recovered from his fit of laughter.
- Okay, actually, I just like the way you smell. You smell so good, Mick,” Ian whispered hotly, continuing his journey to the older boy's belly. - And you taste so damn good, too.I'm going to eat you whole. But next time.
Mickey's knees trembled at that promise, because there would be a next time, he
he couldn't wait.
Ian rid him of his underwear and kissed his thighs gently. Mickey had never let anyone be so gentle with him, never before had he been so vulnerable, but it felt so good. It felt good to open up and give himself to someone completely, to be vulnerable and know he wouldn't be hurt.
- It had been a long time. - Mickey admitted quietly.
- Me too. - Ian nodded. - Don't worry, we have all the time in the world. And I'll be careful this time.
He reached in and pulled out a condom from his wallet, which had probably been there for a long time, but it was better than nothing, and a packet of lube.
- Boy Scout. - Mickey snorted.
- Well, you never know... - Ian muttered and rolled the condom over his leaking dick. How hot he was. Mickey had to physically restrain himself from moaning like a girl.
Ian squeezed some lube onto his fingers to prepare Milkovich and reached for his hole. He gently stroked Mickey's thighs and teasingly inserted one finger. Mickey appreciated his skill immediately. He couldn't even think about where Ian had learned it as he hooked a finger into his prostate and made him arch his back. It felt so damn good, but more was needed. So Mickey thrust impatiently, which made Ian grin and add another finger.
Gallagher tried to be unhurried, to prepare his partner carefully, but he couldn't contain himself any longer. He gently pulled his fingers out and Mickey felt an uncomfortable emptiness. But the guy didn't have time to be too upset because a large and hot throbbing dick took the place of his fingers.
- Oh. - The air rushed out of his lungs as Ian moved inward inch by inch. It was chilly in their hotel room, but Mickey was warm, he fell into the depths of sensual and subtle sensations that sent a current through his veins, made him shiver.
- Damn, you're so tight, Mick. - Gallagher wheezed. Micky could only gasp even more.
Ian found a comfortable tempo and launched their bodies at a synchronized pace. Mickey had never felt so good, so he propped himself up on his elbows and reached for a kiss. Ian readily responded, running his tongue into Milkovich's heated mouth. That made the older guy moan again. He felt his eyes roll up at the sensations. He wanted to prolong things as long as possible, but at the same time he couldn't take it anymore.
- Ian, Ian, please... - he asked, almost crying. And Ian understood. He reached between their bodies and began stroking Mickey's leaking dick.
- Come on, baby, you can cum for me. - He wheezed into his ear. Mickey nodded convulsively and poured himself into his partner's hand. It only took Ian a few minutes to join the older guy in his ecstasy.
- Fuck, that was so good, Mick. You're so good for me, you're the best. - He whispered into Micky's neck, covering her with kisses.
The older boy still couldn't coherently speak, so he just nuzzled his temple into the redhead's body. Ian readily wrapped his arms around him and pulled him against his body.
They lay like that for a few more minutes, listening to each other's breathing and keeping their bodies warm.
Then Gallagher got up and walked toward the bathroom. Mickey wanted to object, but Ian was already back with a wet towel.
- We need to clean up, I don't think Ramilda's going to be too happy about washing cum off the sheets,” he explained.
- Oh no, don't talk about her now, let me enjoy the moment, man. - Mickey moaned. Ian chuckled.
- I'll get it out of the way and we can savor the moment for the rest of the night. - he promised.
Indeed, it was only a minute later when Red dived into bed next to Milkovich and pulled him against his chest.
- Sleep, Mick. Tomorrow will be a new day. - Ian whispered and nuzzled the back of Micky's head. The dark-haired boy immediately relaxed under his touch and felt himself sinking into the realm of Morpheus.
That night, for the first time, he slept without dreams of the South Side.

Chapter Text

Before you go to sleep
Say a little prayer
Every day, in every way
It's getting better and better
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
Beautiful, beautiful, beautiful
Beautiful boy
John Lennon – Beautiful Boy (Darling Boy)

The morning was sweet, even if Mickey was still feeling the effects of last night, every muscle in his body was probably sore, but it felt so damn good. Besides, Ian's huge hand was still clutching his stomach, and that made the moment so special.
It was at that moment that Mickey realized that sooner or later they were going to have to leave this room and get to the outside world. He had stayed home all day yesterday, hiding from everyone, but especially so he wouldn't run into his mom. All he'd done was call about the apartment Will had mentioned and make an appointment.
He still had a chance to go nowhere today, but he definitely needed to go to work tomorrow and see their new place. Yeah, Mickey couldn't wait to live with Ian in this apartment, whatever it was. And that no one could stop them from being happy.
Milkovich gave the redhead's hand another gentle squeeze and climbed out of bed. There was an electric kettle on a table in the corner of their room; it was the only utensil they had. There was actually a café on the first floor of Ramilda's, but they'd only eaten there once. Turns out Ian was frugal as hell and most of the time brought whatever he could pick up on the robot. It created a fun family dynamic that Milkovich liked a lot, but not that he was going to tell anyone about it.
The teapot was also found by Ian. He'd just gone for a walk and came back with a teapot he'd bought at a garage sale, as well as two cups without handles.
Mickey was just about to make coffee when he realized they didn't actually have any. It was a blow, because Mickey loved coffee in the morning, loved it just as much as he loved cigarettes, which were also almost gone. Well, looks like he's going to the store.
Groceries and shit could be bought at a little place that looked a little like Kash and Grab on the South Side. But Mickey didn't want to think about that. In fact, all he wanted to do was fucking kill the old pervert because Ian had so casually mentioned what had happened between the two of them. He'd kill him and bury him next to Roger Spikey, who deserved the same. Mickey wore Ian's sweater because Gallagher was asleep, which meant he didn't need it, and besides the sweater was warm and smelled nice. So when the guy left the motel, it wasn't so awful to go out.
***
- I'm gay. - was the first thing Milkovich said the next time he saw Laura. He didn't know how it happened. He hadn't planned on talking to her at all. And he certainly hadn't planned on confessing anything like this to her.
But when Mickey saw her between the rows of coffee and alcohol, everything happened so confusingly and completely incomprehensible.
His mother just stood there and looked him straight in the eye.
- Hello, Mikhailo. Now I know for sure that you're here and you won't run away like last time. - She challenged him with every word she said.
That's when Mickey blurted it out:
- I'm gay. - If the boy had expected any effect from that phrase, the result was beyond all expectations. Laura stared at her son with all her eyes and swallowed loudly, obviously not knowing what to say. Mickey, in turn, also swallowed his tongue. He'd never spoken about it out loud to anyone but Ian at all, especially so directly. It didn't make any sense.
- Is that why you're here? - She asked. - Are you hiding from your father?
- Not at all. - Mickey snorted like it was the biggest stupid thing he'd ever heard. - I just left. I got tired of living there, so now I live here.
Laura didn't look too convinced, but she didn't comment on it.
- And what do you do here? - She asked, raising an eyebrow.
- Working and looking for a place to live,” Mickey decided not to mention Ian. - What are you doing in Lakeville? Terry told us you were dead!
- You're not in touch with your father, are you? - the woman asked nervously.
- No... I don't think he'd want me on his radar either. - Milkovich answered uncertainly. After that, Laura visibly relaxed.
- I'm getting married, you know. - She explained and yes, it made sense. Of course, she wouldn't want Terry to know about it. - I forged Terry's divorce certificate, so he can't know.
- Will you be here in Lakeville? - Mickey asked and that was really the only thing he was interested in. He was glad if Laura got married and was happy, but he certainly didn't want to see her that often.
- God, of course not. - She laughed like he was some kind of comedian here. - We live in Minnesota, we're just here to meet the parents. But I wouldn't mind if you came to visit.
Mickey looked at his mother incredulously.
- Not for the wedding, of course. - As if Mickey wanted it so badly. - 'Don't take this the wrong way, but it would be terribly awkward if you met my fiancé at the wedding.
- He doesn't know about us?
- He knows, of course he knows, it would just be awkward. You're better off later. - she explained and took a notebook out of her purse. - Here, keep my number and address.
Mickey was still a little shocked that she hadn't said anything about his orientation, so he silently took the sheet. He wondered what she would say if he went there with Ian. He wasn't going to go at all, but if he did, he certainly wasn't coming by himself.
It was so strange that Mickey almost forgot what he'd come to the store for in the first place. He grabbed a packet of ground grains from the shelf next to him and didn't even bother to look at the variety. The cigarettes were also chosen at random, something he'd never done before.
***
Ian seemed a little startled when Mickey returned. But all in all, it was business as usual.
- You're back. - he sounded like it was being questioned, so Mickey initiated a light kiss himself.
- Just went to get some coffee. - He explained.
Ian immediately nuzzled his neck and rested his ginger head on Mickey's shoulder.
- You were gone so long, I thought you weren't coming back.
- Hey, hey, it's okay. - The older boy stroked his hair. - Just ran into Laura again, turns out it wasn't a hallucination or a ghost.
Ian chuckled weakly, but it was a good sign.
- Told her I was gay. - The dark-haired guy continued. That made Ian pull away from his neck and stare in surprise.
- How did she react?
- I don't know, she seemed fine. I've been meaning to ask you this. Are we kind of a couple or was it just like that? - his voice oozed uncertainty.
- Would you be my boyfriend? - Ian asked hopefully.
- Of course I would, redhead. Who wouldn't want to be your boyfriend anyway?
- Well, I can name a few.
- Forget about them, it's just you and me, isn't it?
Gallagher was like an enthusiastic puppy. He almost strangled Mickey in a hug.
- Hey, hey, don't kill me here. This is gonna be the shortest relationship in the history of mankind. - Milkovich told him off.
- I don't want the shortest, I want the longest. - Ian was indignant. His tone made Mickey laugh.
- Okay, here's another thing, my mom's getting married and she kind of invited me to visit afterwards... I didn't mention you, but I'm not going without you anyway, so.....
- Of course I'm going with you! - Ian exclaimed and plopped Mickey on the bed.

Chapter Text

So I try to laugh about it
Cover it all up with lies
I try to laugh about it
Hiding the tears in my eyes
'Cause boys don't cry
Boys don't cry
The cure - Boys don't cry.

The apartment they moved into was, objectively, well... not very nice, but it was priced accordingly. But for Ian, it was heaven on earth. All he could see around him were the pluses:
Everything was damn small and cramped, but it was nice and cozy to Ian. The small kitchen meant everything was easy to get to, and the cramped bed meant he could cuddle with Mickey.
The place was basically a studio apartment that consisted of a bedroom with a large window and a kitchen. The bathroom was also small and needed cleaning.
So, once they'd made the down payment and paid for the month, Mickey went to look around because he hadn't been in the neighborhood before, and Ian dove headfirst into cleaning. He was still a little sad about having to say goodbye to Ramilda, who had wept when they turned in the key. He was also trying hard not to look at his phone screen in anticipation of anything. The longer they were in Lakeville, the more his heart was breaking. The redhead loved being with Mickey, loved every second of his existence. He certainly appreciated that they could spend so much time together and no one here minded. And even though they hadn't been here very long, Ian had managed to love Lakeville and considered it his home. But... he honestly charged his phone every day, kept the sound on and checked his messages every hour. It didn't make a difference. Not one message, not one call. It was as if his family had forgotten he existed, as if there had always been five of them and Ian had never existed. It hurt so damn bad, but Gallagher couldn't tell Mickey that because the guy had his own problems. Milkovich had a lot on his mind, his job, his mom, finding them an apartment... Ian didn't want to worry him, he wanted to make him happy.
So now he tried not to think about anything, he just slowly rubbed the seams between the tiles in the bathroom and hummed some music from some commercial to his nose.
But it didn't really work as well as it should have. A few minutes later, Ian was already swallowing tears that were streaming down his cheeks in thick streaks and rubbing the same spot on the wall with a trembling hand. Ian didn't know exactly why he was crying, it was just tearing him up inside. Maybe the reason was that tomorrow was his birthday, he would turn eighteen, and the hope that someone from his family would at least write a message was fading by the second.
The guy heard footsteps behind him and Mickey's slightly smoky laugh:
- Hey, you're going to wipe a hole in the wall.
Ian couldn't bring himself to turn around, he's going to upset Mickey again, he didn't want that. He's such a lowlife, a liability.
Gallagher swallowed a sob, but his shoulders still shook.
- 'Hey, hey, come on, Ian. - Mickey whispered, stepping closer. Milkovich so rarely called him by his first name that it made the redhead cry even harder. He'd been holding it all in for so long that now it just burst through him, he couldn't stop. Gallagher leaned back and pressed his whole body against Mickey, who squeezed him in his arms. It was warm, it felt good.
- Let it out, E. Whatever it is, let yourself let it go. - whispered the older boy, kissing the younger one's hair and rocking him affectionately in his arms. - No matter what happens, we'll get through this.
After that, Ian allowed himself to open his mouth and sob into his voice. With every sob, every tear, he lost a bit of pain. With all his strength, he pressed himself against his boyfriend's chest and squeezed his shirt.
- You're so good to me, why are you so good to me?
- Don't be silly, E. You're the best person I know. - Mickey answered without hesitation.
- You too, Mick. - Gallagher sobbed and snuggled into the older boy's warmth.
***
Eventually Mickey dragged Ian outside and he didn't resist, even though it was raining hard. But they both needed fresh air, and Ian also fucking loved the smell of rain.
- Come on, I'll show you something. - Milkovich smiled and dragged the boy by the hand.
The redhead followed the older guy accordingly. The cool air pleasantly cooled his flushed skin and the raindrops washed away the salty tears. Mickey's hand gripped his wrist tightly, pointing the way, and it was dark and empty. They walked down a narrow path into a thicket of trees.
- You're not going to kill me there, are you? - Ian grinned.
- Shit, you've exposed me, we'll have to do it another time. - Mickey replied dramatically. That made them both laugh.
The guys walked for a few more minutes before Milkovich stopped near one of the trees.
- It's here, just trust me, okay? - He asked and the redhead nodded in agreement. He trusted Mickey, he would trust him with his life.
So he quietly followed the older boy up the tree on the rickety steps. He was amazed.
This place was worth walking here in the rain and in the dark.
- I went for a walk a few days ago when I was looking at an apartment and found this. It looked like it was abandoned, then I bought some stuff and set it up here-” pointing with his hand at the place around him. It was kind of like a tree house without one wall, with a great view of the city. It looked like Mickey had dragged some old chairs up here and Ian really didn't want to think about how he'd gotten them up there. In the corner, covered with a plaid, was a crate.
The redhead pulled the plaid around the corner, wrapped it around himself and peered into the crate.
- Wine, Mick? - The boy wondered. - I didn't know you had that romantic part in you.
- Fuck you, Gallagher. If you don't like something, you can always leave. - Micky's fierce.
- Hey, I didn't say I didn't like it! In fact, it's great. I like it a lot. - Ian pulled the guy into his arms and covered him with a plaid. - I'd love to have some wine with you...
***
The wine was frankly crap, but they didn't care, not that they had ever drunk high-end alcohol in their lives. They pressed their shoulders against each other, gazing into the darkness and listening to the sound of the rain.
- I think when the weather is nice, we can see stars here. - Mickey said, and Ian nodded.
- Look, Ian, you're the best thing that ever happened in my life and you're very important to me. And whatever's going on in your head, you can tell me and I'll figure out a way for us to deal with it, okay? I don't want you to think you're alone in this. - The older boy said in a barely audible voice.
Those words made Ian cry again.
- Thanks, Mick. You're the best thing that ever happened to me, too...
They sat in silence for a while longer, passing each other the bottle of drink and swaying slightly. Then Mickey glanced at his watch and turned to the guy next to him.
- Happy birthday, Freckles. - he said affectionately and kissed the redhead's moist lips, which tasted like tart wine and salt.
- Do you remember? - Ian asked, his eyes wide open.
- Of course I remember, you're important, so the day you were born is important too. - Milkovich answered in all seriousness. - I'm sorry I can't buy you anything as a present yet.
- Thank you, Mickey, it was better than all possible and impossible gifts. I'm glad we met. - Ian smiled and brought their foreheads together in the most tender gesture he could muster.

Chapter Text

I don't care if it hurts
I wanna have control
I want a perfect body
I want a perfect soul
I want you to notice
When I'm not around
You're so fuckin' special
I wish I was special
Radiohead - Creep

Mickey couldn't know exactly what was going on with Ian, but he was paying attention and could guess. He could see how often Ian checked his phone and how every time he twitched at any sound that sounded like a phone call. So he definitely missed his family and it was breaking Milkovich's heart because he didn't know how to fix it. At first he was going to just call the Gallaghers and yell at them, but then he realized that would probably only make Ian angry. He wasn't going to do that, but he still wanted to make him happier. And really, the only thing they could afford was pizza or McDonald's. But Mickey wanted to do the right thing. Ian clearly enjoyed the night's surprise, which was actually half spontaneous. I mean, Milkovich had planned it, but he didn't think it would happen at midnight and coincide with the redhead's birthday. And of course he remembered his birthday, how could he forget. Ian had only mentioned it once, but that was enough to remember.
He could have easily stolen any-any gift for Ian, but that was a bad option too. Bad because he could feel how Ian would probably look at him with judgment afterward. He'd also seen the pride in the redhead's gaze every time they got a paycheck, when they signed a lease, or when they bought furniture, though not new, but used. And that look was incentive enough. It was motivation enough even for Mickey to be standing in the rows of the dollar store right now picking out goddamn apple-scented candles. Ian was making it damn soft and that would be bad news, but they weren't on the South Side anymore, they weren't even in Chicago anymore. No, they were clear cut, they lived in Minnesota, they had their own place, they were both over eighteen now (well yeah, Ian had just turned eighteen today, but that wasn't that important). Mickey could afford to be a little softer. So he'd worked a short shift at the construction site, stopped for pizza on the way home, and was now picking out some damn candles. Because he knew Ian would love that shit.
- Excuse me, sir, can I help you? - The store consultant asked him, peering at his tattoos with an obvious hint.
- Calm your tits down. - he muttered angrily. - I'm not going to steal anything here.
And with that, he tossed a stack of dark green ( like Ian's eyes ) candles onto the register.
***
Fifteen minutes later, he pushes his way into their apartment, kicking open the door. Mickey tries to keep his voice down, but he still trips over his shoes in the hallway, a reminder that it was time to finish sorting out their belongings after the move. The boy made his way to the kitchen, because Ian usually has tea after his shift, but it was empty. There was something wrong with that, the redhead should have been home by now. It made him worry for a second, but then he decided that maybe Ian just wasn't back yet. Mickey set the pizza box on the table and printed out a pack of candles. It was then that he noticed Gallagher's cell phone on the floor. He didn't go anywhere without the damn thing, hoping someone from the family would still call. So, uh. it was a bad sign. Something happened. Something had happened and Milkovich felt like his heart was going to stop with terror. He didn't know what to do.
- Calm down, calm down. - He said to himself and started doing breathing exercises like Mandy had once taught him. He needed to have a clear mind and realize what was going on. The guy started walking around the apartment looking for clues and found that Ian had also forgotten his jacket.
Without thinking long, Mickey grabbed the younger boy's jacket and ran out of the house. They had just moved in, so Ian didn't really know anything here. He could go anywhere and get lost, all alone in a nearly unfamiliar town and without a phone. Those thoughts made Mickey's heart squeeze and he felt tears come to his eyes. Milkovich angrily wiped his wet eyes. He was both angry at Ian and scared for him. The boy ran to the only place the two of them were together, a tree house in the woods. Mickey ran fast, ignoring the branches that scratched his face and neck.
***
Words couldn't describe the relief the boy felt when he found Ian. The boy was curled up under a tree, not even upstairs. He was shaking violently, but he didn't cry, just hugged his knees with one hand and kept hitting himself on the head with the other. Mickey felt sick at the sight, he felt like he was going to vomit from the consuming sense of anxiety and took a gulp of the fall air to calm himself down.
- Ian, it's me. - The older boy said quietly, approaching like a frightened animal.
But the redhead didn't react until Milkovich came into his field of vision.
- It's all right, E. You're all right. - The boy whispered soothingly, reaching forward with his hand. It was like a joining of two worlds as Ian reached out to him in return. Mickey threw his jacket over his shoulders and pulled him tight against his chest, soothing the shivers and lulling him into his embrace. He caught himself thinking that Ian had been cracking up a lot lately and crying a lot. Maybe it was a sign that the redhead felt safe with the older guy, but maybe he was sick here, worse than on the south side. Mickey bit his lip to keep from crying too. Because he was happy here and Ian wasn't. Mickey had never been close to his family and didn't aspire to be, and Ian was the kind of guy who hugged and sang songs with his siblings. Until they decided to forget about him and his existence, of course.
They sat in silence for about half an hour when Gallagher finally calmed down completely and the rain began to drizzle down.
- Will you tell me what happened, Freckles? I was worried as hell. - Mickey asked as affectionately as possible.
- They all treat me like a piece of meat. - The boy sobbed and pressed his face against the older man's chest.
- That's not true, E. - said the boy sternly. - Who put that idiotic thought in your head?
- Sarah's husband was filling in for her at the café today. - Ian sobbed. - Sarah was sick. He said that with my looks I had no business being in the kitchen and should go to the lounge and attract customers. But I like helping Sarah in the kitchen, she used to say I could fill in for her someday, on her days off.
Mickey intertwined their fingers and squeezed the younger boy's hand, encouraging him to continue the story.
- I decided it was best not to argue because I didn't want to lose my job and I liked where we lived. So I went into the lounge with the rest of the waitresses and everything was fine until some ugly old man came in, the kind of guy who thinks he's the ruler of the universe. He started flirting from the first second I approached him. Then I asked one of the girls to switch. But Sarah's husband heard me ask and told me to go to work. - Ian started crying again and Mickey was already regretting asking him, but he was also ready to kill this Sarah's husband, whoever the hell he was. - Then I came back, but this old man grabbed my ass, Mick. I tried to be polite, I swear, but when I said I wasn't interested, he replied that a whore like me should be grateful he was paying attention to me.
- What an asshole. - Mickey roared. His anger was bubbling in his blood and threatening to come out. - I'll fucking kill him.
- No, no, no. Don't leave me, please. - Ian sobbed. - Don't do anything. I just tipped hot soup on his pants, I'm not sure he'll ever be able to do anything sex related ever again.
The redhead chuckled and Mickey backed him up.
- That's my boy. - He smiled and kissed him on the forehead. - Have you lost your robot now?
- I don't know, I just hope Sarah takes me back. - Ian whispered.
- It's going to be okay, Gallagher. And you're not a piece of meat, don't ever say that again. You're the best person in this world, so smart and kind and beautiful. - Mickey spoke more honestly than ever. And he really did think Ian was the most beautiful man in the world.
Ian looked at him incredulously and shook his head. Mickey sighed disappointedly, he didn't know how to make this boy happier, but he decided to think about it later.
- It's getting cold, shall we go home? - He suggested and pulled the younger boy by the hand. Ian gave in and they slowly made their way home in the increasing rain.
- I bought you bloody candles and pizza. - Milkovich muttered to himself as he turned away.
- You did? - The younger boy smiled and glowed, as if that was enough to forget all the worries of the previous day. He quickly pulled his boyfriend close and kissed him deeply. Large drops of rain dripped down their faces and into their mouths. It was the hottest kiss of Mickey's life. They stood there in the rain, warming each other with their warmth as if they were the only people in the world.

Chapter Text

Маленькая девочка со взглядом волчицы...
Я тоже когда-то был самоубийцей
Я тоже лежал в окровавленной ванне
И молча вкушал дым марихуаны.
[A little girl with a she-wolf's gaze
I had also once committed suicide
I once also lay in a blood-filled bathtub
And silently ate marijuana smoke.]
Krematoriy - A Little Girl With A She-Wolf's Gaze

Ian could not sleep. Every time he closed his eyes, he saw the faces of his siblings. Now he just closed his eyes, this time Fiona appeared. She looked at him with such deep contempt that Ian wanted to fall through the ground.
- How could you leave us, Ian. You're just another Monica! - His sister's ghost spoke quickly and didn't let him get a word in edgewise. - You're acting like Monica! You know we need the money you earned and the groceries you brought. But you just acted like Monica. You. You. YOU. Fucking problem, all our problems are because of you. A mistake of nature. A mistake of nature. Mistake of nature.
Fiona stepped back and Lip appeared in her place. He looked perfect as always, in clean clothes and with a disdainful look.
- Don't think we'll ever forget how you abandoned us. - He said, bending low to the redhead's face. - I thought we were friends, but you're such a disappointment. A mistake of nature. Thought I didn't know about your proclivities, how you fancy boys? I know everything, I've seen your dreams. It's a good thing you left, we don't need people like you in our family. You're a mistake, I wish you'd never been born. - with every word Lip raised his voice and his face contorted with anger. - A mistake of nature. A mistake of nature. A mistake of nature.
Ian looked into his brother's red face and couldn't believe his eyes.
- But I'm your brother! You were my best friend. - the boy whispered quietly.
- A friend? Hahaha, I don't need a friend like that, and I don't need a brother like that! You don't belong in our family, asshole. - After that sentence, snakes crawled out of his ears, mouth and nose. Huge black and green and horrible, but Lip didn't notice it, he kept laughing. And the snakes crawled up to Ian and he couldn't move to escape, they wrapped around his legs and torso, the guy felt like he was going to suffocate. He couldn't breathe.
***
Ian woke up with a silent scream and pain in his chest. He felt like nothing. He wanted to disappear. This dream, or whatever it was, was so real. But Mickey was sleeping quietly, lying next to him on his stomach, his cheeks flushed, his hair disheveled and he was mumbling something in his sleep. Mickey was sleeping peacefully and as much as Ian wanted to be comforted right now, he wasn't going to wake him. Gallagher felt he was already causing Mickey enough trouble with his constant breakdowns and tantrums, he needed to pull himself together. Need to stop this.
The guy got up and went into the kitchen. He looked in the fridge, he didn't feel like eating but needed some kind of distraction. It was almost empty, just half a loaf of bread, a few eggs and an almost full bottle of milk that Mickey had bought the day before. Milk.
That was all I asked you to do and you couldn't even do that. You left the kids without breakfast, you ungrateful bastard! Milk, milk, buy milk. Fiona's voice sounded so clear that Ian couldn't tell if it was reality or in his head.
- Shut up, shut up! - yelled the boy, covering his ears with his hands. He moved down the refrigerator and sank to the cold floor. But the voices didn't stop. It only got worse.
Milk. Milk. Now Fiona was singing like some kind of commercial, and Debbie was singing along. You're the new Monica. Monica. Monica. Milk. Milk. Monica.
The boy dug his short fingernails into the thin skin and felt nothing, as if none of this was happening to him, as if he were floating in a bottomless black lake and his head was covered with absorbent cotton. He didn't hear outside sounds, he didn't hear the noise of the refrigerator behind him, the cars on the street, or the quiet conversation of the neighbors. Everything around him - it was as if it was in his head, but threatening to get out.
Ian couldn't stand the sounds anymore. Before, when he'd heard something like this, voices, thoughts, it went away pretty quickly. But now, he doesn't realize how much time has passed, his heart just explodes and he can't breathe. All he can think about is how to stop it, how to silence them. Ian tried to pinch his arm and felt nothing, it made it feel like everything was happening in a dream. Like he's watching his doppelganger from the side. He rolls over onto his knees and crawls into the bathroom because he just can't go. The strength to turn on the light is not enough, he leaves the door open and the light from the kitchen gives a weak but still illumination. The guy turns on the cold water and he has to give himself a couple minutes of rest, his arms are weak but his brain keeps working.
You think Mickey appreciates you. - Lip's the one laughing. - But he doesn't need you, he just tolerates you, but he'll never love someone like you. You're a burden to him. A burden. A burden. A burden.
That finally brought Ian out of any sort of composure, thick streaks of tears streaming down his face, but he didn't even feel it. All he could really think about was wanting to stop this shit.
His trembling hands automatically reached for a tile in the floor that wasn't secured. It's a stash. The stash he needs. There's a lighter, some weed, and a pack of blades. Ian stepped into the tub of ice water right in his pajama pants, it was scalding, but he didn't really feel cold. The cold had helped him before, grounding him and slowing his heartbeat. Now he just felt a layer of water covering his legs and body in a detached way. He clamps a twisted joint of marijuana in his teeth and lights it, fills his lungs with the sweet-smelling smoke. It makes him dizzy, but doesn't relieve him like it used to. Ian can't stop the flow of tears as he reaches for the new blade with cold hands. The fresh metal chills his skin, he's scared, but he's not thinking about Mickey, not thinking about anything, he just needs Lip to shut up, needs him to shut up for just a minute. He needs a break, a rest, he wants to sleep.
It's only when the blood starts running down his wrists, mixing with the cold water and staining the tub, that Ian realizes he's done something he hasn't done before. His arm is cut lengthwise, in a crooked line. He feels the strength leaving his body along with the blood and he is scared. He doesn't want to die, but all he feels is cold. He needs Mickey.
***
Mickey woke up from the cold. Usually he always felt Ian's warmth next to him at night, because the bed is small and it's impossible to sleep far apart. The spot beside him was indeed empty and cold, which meant that Gallagher had gotten up a long time ago. Mickey felt anxious and still half asleep, he put his feet into the slippers that Gallagher had bought him too, because he noticed that Mickey was freezing. He's so thoughtful, Mickey's heart ached with joy.
But something was wrong now, Milkovich could just feel it, he walked out of the bedroom. The light in the kitchen flickers faintly but no one is there, it made the guy's hands shake with a strange foreboding. He walks into the bathroom where the door is open and his heart goes off rhythm. Mickey turns away and vomits into the old vase that was here before he moved in because he can't believe his eyes. This is some kind of scary dream that looks a hell of a lot like reality.
Ian is lying in an overflowing bathtub, ashes on his chest, the whole room is filled with smoke and blood is gushing from his arm and Mickey has never seen anything scarier.
He acts mostly on instinct, disconnecting himself from reality. Shutting off the ice water faucet, which is already too much, he grabs the phone with one hand and clamps Ian's forearm with the other. Oddly enough, it helps, the blood stops flowing so intensely. But the redhead is still unconscious. It's scary, it physically hurts. But Mickey picks himself up and forces himself to breathe, really having to physically remind himself to do it.
9-1-1. He dials the number and immediately puts it on speakerphone.
“911, what's your emergency?”
- My partner, he cut himself. - Mickey exhales. The girl on the other end of the line asks for his address and asks him to stay calm. The guy wishes she'd stop being so calm, that she'd be worried too, because Gallagher isn't breathing, his Ian. His Ian. Ian. Ian.
She doesn't feel his pain, she doesn't understand. But her calm voice brings Mickey to his senses. She asks ro the type of bleeding, says Ian has nicked an artery and needs to apply a tourniquet above the wound. Mickey has nothing but a frayed robe belt hanging on the doorknob. He does it, follows the instructions, all the while feeling as if someone is arcing to rule his body.
- Ian, please, please, Ian. Don't leave me. - Cried Mickey when the girl told him the ambulance was in place and cut the connection.
Now Mickey actually felt glad that they, used to living on the South Side, didn't lock the door at night. He didn't want to move away from Ian and he didn't.
The EMTs were a man in his forties and a young girl. It looks like this is her first time and she hasn't even been in their shitty neighborhood before. She nervously looks around and her eyes widen with horror when she notices a white body in a bloody bathtub. Mickey feels like chasing her away because she's not helping, but the man keeps his cool and Mickey Milkovich is grateful for that.
- You did good, kid. - the paramedic said firmly as he checked the makeshift tourniquet. - What's his name?
- Ian. Ian Gallagher. - the boy answered in a shaky voice. The man nodded to the girl to take notes.
- Age?
- He just turned eighteen. - Milkovich answers mechanically.
The doctors start exchanging professional phrases, the meaning of which Mickey doesn't understand and doesn't even try to understand. He shuts down and all he can think about is Ian.
Ian, who was always smiling but was so sensitive. Ian, who had been crying so much lately and Mickey hadn't given it much thought. Ian, who had just almost died in front of him.
- You saved him, kid. - The paramedic spoke sympathetically and Mickey hated the pity in his eyes. - He still needs stitches and blood, we'll take him to the hospital, you can come with us.
Mickey nods, picks up his sweatshirt and jacket and follows Ian's pale body onto the stretcher.
- You should probably call your parents. - Offers the nervous girl, who is still acting strangely for an EMT. Mickey looks at her incredulously.
- We don't have parents. - He lies, because it's easier than explaining. - Besides, we just moved in. Don't know anyone here.
She looks like she's heard the most shocking news in the world and Milkovich would laugh at her if it weren't for the sheer horror of the situation.
They ride in silence in the car, Ian is hooked up to an oxygen mask and his blood pressure is taken again. He is stable, but still in danger. Mickey feels dead, clutches his boyfriend's cold hand and presses his lips to his knuckles. He silently begs Ian to survive, but he can't say it out loud because the girl is looking right at him.
When they arrive and Gallagher is taken away by the doctors, Mickey hears the man who saved him Ian says to the girl:
- You should get used to it, Gladys. This isn't the first or last time something like this will happen.
Mickey silently agrees with him.
***
He has to wait in the waiting room for hours and all the while incoherent thoughts swirl around in his head. Still, he is able to tell the nurse that he is Ian's mate and next of kin, that there is no one else here.
So Gallagher wakes up, still pale, in bandages and an IV and Mickey can't stop the tears.
***
- Why, Ian? We were having such a good time... - Mickey asked through his tears. He presses his body against the boy's healthy arm, not wanting to let go. Ian was silent for a few minutes, but it was long enough for the older boy to get him some water. It helped.
- I don't want to die, Mick, I swear. I just, uh. I just needed it to stop, my thoughts. They're always there, always following me, talking about Monica. I just wanted them to stop. I thought it would help! It used to help with a little bit of pain, but then it stopped. So I thought if I increased it a little bit, it would get better. - Tears streamed down his cheeks as he spoke.
Mickey pressed his forehead against his temple and wiped his wet cheeks. He missed these explanations, he wanted to know why Gallagher hadn't woken him up, why he hadn't asked for help and why he hadn't told him sooner. But he tried to let it go, at least for a few days.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please, I didn't mean to leave you.
- Shh, shh, shh. I'm with you. It's okay. - Micky wheezed.
- There's something wrong with me, Mick. I want to get better. - whispered the red-haired boy.
- We're gonna make it.
- I love you. - It sounded so desperate it made Milkovich cry again.
- I love you too, Gallagher, I love you too.

Chapter Text

Will you still love me when I'm no longer young and beautiful?
Will you still love me when I got nothing but my aching soul?
I know you will, I know you will, I know that you will
Will you still love me when I'm no longer beautiful?
Lana Del Rey - Young and beautiful

After all, it was their joint decision. Ian really wanted to get better and Mickey supported him in that. Back in the emergency room, Ian had been given a mandatory mental status check. Mickey wanted to tear his hair out in anger that he hadn't noticed his boyfriend's suffering. But in the end, when it came time to deal with all the issues regarding the hospital, Mickey felt so damn old. He looked in the mirror as he tried to clean himself up with cold water and just freaked out. His hair had become greasy, there were dark bags under his eyes, his whole face expressed tiredness and anxiety. But Ian is his boyfriend, he has to be strong for him because it's already hard enough for him. Ian is the one who has to spend three days in the hospital, surrounded by doctors and other patients. Mickey didn't want to let him go, he wanted to take the redhead away, snuggle him in his arms and never let him go. But in his mind he knew that Ian needed help, maybe some medication.
He kept telling himself it was only for three days, but with each passing second he was getting angrier and angrier at the Gallaghers and at dead Monica. They were the ones who had created a hurricane in their brother and son's head, shattered it and trampled it, and Mickey now had to pick up the pieces.
Milkovich didn't know what he should do now, he needed someone to give him a clear plan of action to just not think about it at least. He thought about what it was like for people who have to organize a funeral a few days after the death of a loved one. But immediately cut himself short. Ian wasn't dead, his Ian was alive and he just needed a little help because he couldn't get out of this hole on his own.
He didn't feel like thinking, so he tried to turn off his brain and block out the outside world, washed his face once more and went to the room that had become nauseatingly familiar over these few days.
***
Mickey found the younger boy watching some kind of television program about hunting and fishing. It was the most boring program there could be, but the redhead was watching it with such interest that Mickey would never dare tell Ian to change the channel. The smile on the boy's face was light and faint, but it made Mickey's heart clench and his eyes water. He smiled back and walked over to the bed, leaving a light kiss on the pale lips.
From what the doctors had said, the redhead had lost a lot of blood and, even after the transfusion, he needed time to recover. But Milkovich forbade himself to think about it.
- Hey.
- Hey. - Gallagher answered quietly and wiggled the fingers of his healthy hand, hinting that it was time for them to hold hands. And Mickey was damn grateful that Ian wasn't shutting him out or shutting himself in. Apparently, Ian felt guilty, too. He kept apologizing, even though Micky tried his best to convince the guy to put it behind him.
- Here, brought your vampire ass some broth. - grinned the older guy. He tried his best to stay cheerful and not show Gallagher his anxiety.
- Thanks, Mick. - Ian whispered weakly.
- Just don't start crying again. - Milkovich grinned.
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry, please. - The redhead mumbled again, and Micky covered his lips with his own to silence him and wiped the salty streaks from his cheeks with his thumbs.
- It's okay, Freckles, don't apologize anymore. - he asked.
They sat like that for another minute, pressing their foreheads against each other and listening to their breathing. Mickey was sure they could have sat like that forever if they hadn't heard an embarrassed cough in the doorway.
Ian immediately leaned back on his pillow and started wiping his face, and Mickey turned around.
There stood a man in his fifties wearing a white robe over a suit.
- Good afternoon, Ian. Aren't you going to introduce us? - He smiled at him.
- Oh, yes. Mickey this is Greg - my psychiatrist, uh... This is Mickey Milkovich, my boyfriend. - Milkovich felt his cheeks flush with color at those words. But he was damn glad to hear Ian referring to him as his boyfriend.
- Oh, I've heard a lot about you. It's great that we ran into each other. - the doctor nodded. - I really have a lot to discuss with you.
- Oh, okay...” Mickey agreed and looked questioningly at the redhead, who gave him a reassuring look and smiled.
***
- Mr. Milkovich, I'm Dr. Greg Larson, Ian's psychiatrist. Although we've already met. - he extended his hand to Mickey.
- It's just Mickey. - the guy accepted the handshake and the offer to sit down. - I'm glad you're here Mickey and ready to support Ian. Ian is starting his medication now and will be sleeping most of the time, we will be moving him to the second floor soon to continue his treatment. He just gave me your number as next of kin.
- Yes, I'm his mate, his boyfriend. - Mickey replied and realized that he was actually saying that to strangers a lot lately.
- Okay, since Ian is already 18, he doesn't need a guardian in this situation, but it's still important for me to find out if Mr. Gallagher has any blood relatives? - Greg was nice enough to him, so Mickey decided to answer honestly.
- Ian has siblings, but they don't socialize. It's very upsetting to him, I'll try to get in touch with them.
- Well, such factors could also be one of the reasons for such a condition. And his parents?
- Uh, Monica. Ian's mom killed herself in front of them. It really only hit him, if you think about it that way. She had this-- B-- bipolar, Mickey explained.
Greg wrote something down in his notebook and nodded.
- Well from the preliminary diagnosis I can say that Ian doesn't suffer from bipolar disorder. But everything that has happened has affected him and caused him to become depressed.
- Depression? - Mickey asked in surprise. - But he always seemed so happy. He only complained about these thoughts that plagued him. And he'd been crying a lot lately, but he'd really had a hard life, I thought that was normal? And he said he didn't want to kill himself. Ian wanted to get better.
Mickey felt like he was going to cry again, so he pinched his elbow and pressed his lips together. But Greg noticed this, he didn't say anything, just held out the box to him
- Some scientists call it “smiling depression”. It's not very common, but it does occur. Now that he's on medication, he'll actually feel better. He'll be able to go home. - The doctor explained comfortingly. Mickey nodded. He just wanted to take his boyfriend home. - And it would certainly be worth creating a supportive environment, if Ian's siblings could be supportive. But he's definitely going to need you, both now that he's in the hospital and later.
Mickey nodded, even though he highly doubted it, he was still going to call the Gallaghers, or at least try.
- And one more thing for you. - Greg said, holding out a couple of brochures to Mickey.
- What are these?
- Just support groups for relatives of people suffering from depression.
Mickey looked at him as if he'd seen a ghost.
- I'm not going to go and spew my shit to a bunch of strangers. - He grinned. Greg wasn't confused by Mickey's response.
- Just think about it. - He suggested and that was the end of their conversation.

***
Ian looked worried for the rest of the day, but Mickey tried to give him some space and didn't ask any questions. Still, he gave up when he saw that Ian was on the verge of tears again.
- Sunshine, what's going on? - He asked completely out of Milkovich's style, embarrassed by this and looked away.
All he heard in response was a light sob.
- Hey, Gallagher, stop shedding tears now and spit out what's on your mind.
That actually made him stop crying. Ian reached for Mickey.
- Lie down with me. - He asked. The older boy eyed the narrow bed doubtfully, but didn't argue. They snuggled together in the hospital bed, clinging to each other with every fiber of their bodies, clinging to each other like a lifeline.
- Tell me what's going on in that pretty little head of yours. - Milkovich asked again.
The redhead sighed comically, as children do, and lowered his head onto the older boy's shoulder.
- It's just... I was feeling so many things at once, so many thoughts, and now they gave me these pills and everything just kind of disappeared. It's so quiet in there. - he pointed to his temple. - And now it means there's something wrong with me.....
It sounded confused and illogical, but Mickey understood him anyway.
- There's nothing wrong with you, Ian, you're just a little confused there in your brain. But we'll sort it all out, Just need a bit of help and some pills, OK?
- I don't want to go. - the younger boy sobbed.
- I'll be here when you get back, baby, I promise. Everything's going to be okay. It's only three days.
- It's three whole days! - Ian waved his hand indignantly.
- I'll be able to visit you. You'll be home before you know it. - Mickey said, even though he couldn't believe what he was saying. - And then you'll feel better, you'll come home and everything will be all right.
- I love you, Mick, you know that.
- Yeah, I love you too. - Micky answered honestly. - Always.
- Will you love me even when I'm a wrinkled old ass? - The redhead asked seriously.
- Even then, and even if you go bald, Gallagher. - replied the older guy. They both laughed at the stupidity of it. - You're not alone in this.

Chapter Text

You teach me how to behave
I felt you question the way-ay
I was brought up as a baby
Well, you don't know fuck about my family.
Marina and the Diamonds – Seventeen

Fiona had a lot of things to do. She had five siblings to look after, feed, wash, clean and make sure they went to school. Yes, it had been a little quieter lately, which actually wasn't strange because Lip had left for college. There was less money for groceries, too, but Fiona chalked that up to Frank hanging around lately. But she didn't care about that, Jimmy was back and she really tried to ignore him, but it was hard, he was always there and getting under her skin.
So, she didn't sleep much because she had to do laundry, when she got home from work she had a headache and no energy. When she looked in the mirror, she was horrified to see a panda. Probably the result of her forgetting to wash off her makeup the day before.
- Damn, shit...” Fiona whispered and started rubbing her face with warm water. It took too long because when she was done, she could already hear Liam waking up and spinning around in his crib.
The girl sighed and walked to the boys' room, picking up her lost socks along the way. As if it was so hard to carry things a couple of meters and throw them in the laundry hatch.
She walked into the boys' room and barely noticed that the air was much cleaner than before, smelling only of melted rubber, which was definitely Carl related. The brunette wrote it off to the absence of Lip and his endless stream of girls, but Ian's bed was also made. That's weird, she thought she saw him last night... She decided to think about it later, there was too much to do right now. She needs to get on with breakfast, which is exactly what she does.
Wakes up Carl and Debbie, grabbing Liam with one hand and heading downstairs. It's a mess all around, but she really doesn't have time to do that right now.
Carl definitely needs to make a double peanut butter sandwich, put down the chips and chocolate bar, and Debbie and her new friends, who Fiona certainly doesn't like, are only eating fruit now. So Debbie has yet to be persuaded to eat properly at least in the morning. Liam is causing the least trouble, but that's just for now. But there are probably a few more years of peace of mind, at least from the youngest Gallagher.
Adding up all the factors this morning, it's understandable why Fiona didn't immediately hear the phone ring. She had just noticed Jimmy sitting in the car just so she could see both exits of the house, and that greatly reduced the chances of quietly leaving for work. The girl looked at her ex-boyfriend or whatever the hell he was and tried to force herself to be angry. It was hard, Jimmy was charming and interesting, different from the other guys she'd dated.
Fiona continued to glare at the man's profile when the phone rang a second time. The girl woke up and picked up the phone, it was an unknown number calling.
- Probably some advertising people. - she decided, but picked up the phone anyway.
- Hello? - Sounded uncertain on the other end of the line. It was a male voice that Fi didn't recognize, but advertising calls didn't start that way. - Uh, can I speak to Fiona Gallagher, please?
Well, this was getting weirder and weirder.
- I'm listening. Who's this? - She answered.
- It's not important. - The voice immediately became rougher. - I just wanted to remind you that you have another brother, Ian, remember?
It stabbed her right in the heart. When she woke up today, Ian wasn't in bed, something had happened and she didn't know what.
- What's going on? You kidnapped him and you want a ransom? - She nervously blurted out the first thing that came to mind. Fiona ran her free hand through her hair and began to pace the kitchen. Her heart was pounding; she felt something terrible had happened.
But the stranger only laughed rudely at her assumption.
- You didn't even notice he was gone, did you? - it sounded so bitter that the girl began to doubt that this man was not someone important.
- What are you talking about?!
- Ian. I'm talking to you about Ian, your little brother. The brother who moved out on you almost a month ago. And you didn't even notice he was gone! - shouted the boy angrily. Fiona turned pale. This couldn't be real. She had definitely seen him yesterday, he must have bought groceries. Or had she really not seen him?
She looked in the fridge - it was empty. That's not right because Ian always goes to the store after school, although she's definitely noticed that food is running out faster lately. Well now it's clear that it's really only herself who buys the groceries. But this has been going on for weeks now, how could she not have noticed?
Fiona slapped herself in the face and frantically rushed to the second floor. Her little brother's bed was made, his backpack was gone, his shoes were gone too
- This can't be happening. - She whispered, not realizing she was still holding the phone to her ear with her shoulder. Tears came to her eyes, she was so damn angry now, angry not just at herself but at everyone else. - How could this have happened?
- Really? - The stranger's voice was mocking and angry. It made her feel even worse. She didn't know who this man was, she didn't understand what had happened. She felt nauseous.
- How do I... What do you want? How can I find him? - She asked through her tears.
- Oh, I didn't kidnap him. - hissed the voice. - I'm his friend, you know, the one who actually knows Ian exists and cares about him. The one who's been watching him suffer for almost a month, the one who pulled him out of all the panic attacks and the one who drove him to the fucking hospital when he bloody slit his wrists in the bathroom!
By the end of his speech, he was already screaming at the top of his lungs. But Fiona wasn't paying attention. Slit his wrists. That was all she could hear as she slid down the wall to the floor. She didn't feel good.
- What. What do you mean?
- That's what the hell I mean. He's been depressed since your mother killed herself and you bastards stopped noticing him! - he yelled. Every word cut like a knife, but the girl could only blame herself. But as awful as she felt right now, she couldn't even imagine how this could have happened. They had always been an undefeated team, always. They were the Gallaghers.
Besides, only an hour ago she'd been sure that everything was fine, that she'd seen Ian yesterday, that his problems were no different from Carl's or Debbie's and that everything could be solved with a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
- How can I...can I see him? - Fiona didn't understand why she was asking, she was the redhead's sister, of course she could bloody well see him. But right now the man on the other end of the phone had all the power. He could decide, she couldn't.
- I would never in my life let you see him again. - he hissed. - But I know Ian wants to. Besides, his doctor thinks it might be helpful. So I'll write you the address. Ian will be discharged in two days, you can come over. You can brother the kids or not, as you see fit. But Ian's not well, he might not want them to see him like this right now. But it's up to you. You can't take him either. He's eighteen, he'll decide to stay here with me or go back to Chicago.
- You're not in Chicago?
- Is that all you're catching on to? - The guy grinned. - Either agree to the terms or we're ending this conversation.
Fiona didn't want any man making these decisions for her. But she really didn't have a choice, did she?
- Yeah, okay, whatever you say. Just text the address, we'll be there.
- You got it.
- Hey, wait, what's your name? - she asked before he hung up.
- It's Mickey. - Ian's friend grinned and cut off the call.
- Shit... was all she could whisper.
***
Lip actually had couples and work at the student café, he didn't have time for Fiona's nonsense. But she had called three times already, maybe it was something important after all.
- Fiona, I can't talk right now. - The boy whispered quickly, walking out of the auditorium.
- Lip, it's bloody important. - Her voice wasn't the same as it always was. It seemed like she had been crying or screaming for a long time. That alerted the guy.
- Is everything okay? - He got worried.
- No. Lip, I need you to come home tonight, tomorrow morning at the latest. Something bad has happened...
- Oh, my God, what happened? - it's really got him worried. Big sister was never as scared as she was right now.
- Lip, I don't know, I don't know how this could have happened. - she was crying. - When was the last time you saw Ian?
- Last time I was here, I think it was about a week ago? What happened, Fi?
- Lip, he's been gone a month. I don't know how we didn't notice. I don't know. - She was hysterical.
- Calm down, please, and tell me what the hell is going on? - he exclaimed.
- His friend called... Ian is in the hospital... We have to go... to see him. - she was speaking in bits and pieces, but it made a little more sense. At least the brother was alive. Although Lip didn't understand half of it.
- Please tell me what we need to do now. - He asked as calmly as he could, pinching the bridge of his nose.
- We're going to Lakeville. - was her answer.

Chapter Text

Я не понимаю кто тебе нужен
Сам Будда или Шива был твоим мужем
Просто понимаю, что в отсутствии тебя
мне станет хуже
Не проживу и дня.
[ I don't understand whom you need
Buddha or Shiva personally was your husband
I merely understand,that without you I'll feel worse
I won't be able to live even 1 day].
Pianoboy - Ведьма (the Witch)

Mickey hated the very concept of calling the Gallahers, not even knowing them personally, he already hated them for what had happened to Ian. He didn't understand why the redhead missed those assholes at all, but that was the thing about Ian. He loves and makes excuses for everyone around him, loves kids, kittens, puppies, flowers, and his fucking family. That was probably the only thing that made Mickey call Fiona. But he was still hoping to keep things on his terms.
What made things worse was that he couldn't see Ian for at least the first day. Before, he hadn't even realized how much he might miss the man.
But once he'd stayed in the apartment by himself for a day, the bed had become unbearably cold. When Mickey woke up in the morning, the first thing he did was to make breakfast for two, and only came to his senses when no one answered his question about how many eggs to fry.
He sat down on the floor, wrapped his arms around his knees and covered his mouth with his hand to keep from crying. He didn't even want to think about what Ian was feeling right now.
The worst part was that he'd foolishly taken the day off work, thinking he could somehow prepare for the Gallaghers' arrival. But in the end, it turned out he'd actually have to do nothing all day. Their tiny apartment was clean enough as it was, and Mickey wasn't about to prove anything to those assholes.
Besides, Ian's family would have to stay the night somewhere else anyway. Even if their apartment was bigger, Milkovich wouldn't agree to them staying.
But he was so lonely he wanted to howl. He couldn't stay alone in this room any longer.
***
The rain had ended and fall was finally starting to turn beautiful. Leaves red and yellow were floating in clear puddles and the sky was orange too. The boy could enjoy the beauty of nature, but everything about it reminded him of Ian. And the ginger sun and the red sky and the red trees. Too, too much orange everywhere.
Mickey turned down an alley and walked into a sparsely populated family-type cafe. There was no line, and behind the counter was a bored girl scribbling something in a notepad.
- Good afternoon, what can I offer you?
- Black coffee without sugar, please . - he asked, holding out a few dollars he found in his coat pocket. Then his gaze fell on the cake stand. There in the most prominent spot was a slice of honeydew, Ian's favorite cake. Mickey thought about taking a slice for him. He was about to ask the girl to wrap the cake with him when he remembered that Ian wasn't really expecting him home.
- Shit...” he whispered.
- Is everything alright? - The barista asked.
- Yeah yeah, I'm fine, I just remembered something. - he whispered.
Mickey took his coffee and ran outside.
He had to fix the problem somehow, because Ian wouldn't be in for another two days. And he actually knew there was a way. But not that he wanted to use it. But walking around all day in a town where every leaf on the tree reminded him of his redheaded boyfriend wasn't an option either.
So, if no one finds out, it's no big deal, right? By the way, no one in Lakeville even knew him as Milkovich and his family's reputation.
That's how he'd found himself walking to some school that was just about to have one of those support meetings or some shit. He couldn't remember, but the pamphlet was burning his pocket.
***
The school was no different from any school Mickey had ever seen. But it looked like the school day was over, because he didn't see a single student as he walked to one of the far classrooms. Everything seemed too normal to begin with.
The meeting was held in a small room with chairs arranged in the center. There weren't many people either, seven people, but they weren't rushing at Mickey with greetings and wanting to get to know each other. He appreciated that.
Eventually a woman came up to him and said hello.
- Hi, I'm Chris. - She introduced herself. - We keep it anonymous here, you can use any name you want, write it on a sticker and stick it to your sweater.
- Oh, uh... Hi, I'm Mickey. - he answered, because what difference does it make if someone recognizes his name and took the marker from Kris' hands.
- Nice to meet you, Mickey. You can sit anywhere, we'll be starting in a few minutes. You can get coffee and cookies over there too. - she pointed with her hand to a table near the door. But Mickey was sick at the thought of sweets and too nervous to drink coffee, so he just nodded gratefully and went to find a seat.
The others in the group were of different ages, some seemed to Mickey the same age as him and Ian and some could have been fathers to them, but none of them looked at Mickey Milkovich with contempt or disgust and that was something he was willing to work with. He chose a seat opposite the door so he could see those entering - a good security measure - and tried to relax. It didn't work very well. Next to him sat a lady with a baby on her hip, she looked like it wasn't her first time here, and on the other side sat a nervous teenager.
And at that moment, as Kris stood in the center of the circle to start the group meeting, the unexpected happened. It was exactly what Mickey had feared. Simply because he was hoping to maintain some anonymity. But the door opened and Will walked in. Mickey was ready to groan in frustration or just get up and leave in silence. Because this was really the first time he could have a normal conversation with someone at work and not be judged. And he liked Will better than any of the other guys; he was tactful enough not to ask too many questions, and besides, he was the only reason he and Ian had found a suitable place to live. And there he was, Will, all tall and with his usual smile on his lips, walking into the room, and of course he saw Milkovich right away. And his face pulls up a little bit in surprise, because what the fuck is someone like Mickey, the reserved guy from the construction site, doing at a support group meeting for relatives of people with mental illness. But he's soft and tactful, so he just smiles and sits down a few seats down from Milkovich.
- So, now we can get started. - Kris smiled. - Everything is confidential here so you're safe. Who wants to start today?
The woman with the baby raised her hand.
- All right, Sally, we're happy to hear from you.
- Uh, hi everyone, those who don't know me, I'm Sally and my sister has been suffering from depression for five years now. It was three whole years before me and my sister actually noticed that something was wrong. - The woman began to speak and Mickey's heart sank at her words, it was too close to his heart. - She is now on regular antidepressants and they are helping, but in the beginning it was a nightmare. We couldn't understand what was going on and she was shutting down and hurting herself. So yesterday was a bad day, she forgot to take her pill in the morning and when I got home from work she was lying in the kitchen in a puddle of her own vomit because she decided that drinking a bottle of vodka was a good idea.
Sally sobbed and Mickey froze at those words. Would Ian, his ray of sunshine be subjected to a lifetime of misery. These thoughts made his eyes glassy, he turned away to avoid looking at Sally, who continued the story, but instead met his eyes with Will's. Obviously this was a bad idea, his buddy was too perceptive. He looked at Mickey with raised eyebrows and shrugged uncertainly. Milkovich didn't know what that was supposed to mean and just looked away.
The rest of the meeting went smoothly and the guy was actually glad he went to it at all, it made him feel like he wasn't alone in the situation. There were people around, people who were in a similar situation to Mickey, people who could understand.
***
He wanted to leave as soon as possible, but just on his way out he felt someone grab his elbow.
- Hey, Milkovich. - he heard Will's voice. - You in a big hurry?
- Uh, not really. - Okay, maybe he needed company for the rest of the day.
- I'm gonna get a drink. - the guy started it. - You want to join me?
Mickey only shrugged his shoulders in agreement and followed the blond. He took two cigarettes out of the pack and handed one to Will, who accepted it gratefully. They smoked.
They walked on in silence, only noisily blowing smoke into the air, but Mickey didn't feel the tension of a long silent pause. Looks like Ian was right, he needed a friend.
They walked into the same bar they'd been at the night Milkovich had met his mom on the street for the first time. Behind the bar was still the same girl with green hair. She smiled welcomingly at them both and immediately reached to pour two glasses of beer.
- So, I didn't expect to see you today. - Will grinned as they sat down at one of the tables.
- Same here, man. - Mickey raised his eyebrows
- Uh, yeah... My wife has an anxiety disorder, she's suicidal and hallucinatory. - He explained quietly. Milkovich felt like crying. But the blond looked at him expectantly, so instead of tears, Mickey spat out the words.
- I didn't know you were married. My boyfriend's depressed, he's been hospitalized for a few days, and I needed somewhere to take myself. Couldn't stay home. - he expected some kind of reaction to being gay, but Will didn't say a word about it. Well, that was sensible of him. Mickey really wasn't in the mood to face homophobia today.
- Yeah, for a few years now. - He smiled and continued. - Is that why you moved here? Mary's doctor says that a change of scenery might help....
Mickey thought for a moment. They didn't really know Ian was sick, but he wasn't feeling well. So with this move, Mickey wanted to make him feel better. And Will's assumption was plausible enough to agree.
- Yeah, something like that.
- I hope your boy feels better here. - the guy said sympathetically. Mickey hated sympathy and pity, but right now it was a good thing. That's why he went on to say:
- Ian. My boyfriend's name is Ian.
His heart warmed and this confession was the most pleasant feeling he had felt in the last few days.

Chapter Text

We'll never get free

Lamb to the slaughter

What you gon' do when there's blood in the water?

The price of your greed is your son and your daughter

What you gon' do when there's blood in the water?

Grandson - Blood // Water

The walls of the hospital were depressingly painted an incomprehensible color. Ian could describe it as a mixture of white, green, and yellow. All the other patients in the ward where he'd spent three days were much older, so he didn't have anyone to talk to either, except his therapist. And Mickey had only been allowed to visit him for a few hours. So, of course, he was insanely happy to be discharged, even if it came with a whole list of recommendations and several jars of medication.
So, he was getting out on the morning of October 31st, which meant that he and Mickey could celebrate something just the two of them for the first time. And before everything had happened with Monica, he'd really loved Halloween, and now there was a chance to love it again. It was uplifting. 
The three days had taken a toll on his health, too. Ian still felt weak and tired, but his head was quiet for the first time in months. It was such a relief that it made him want to cry. 
When he got outside, Mickey was waiting for him out front, just like in romantic movies, though without a car, because the one they'd borrowed from Iggy was already literally falling apart, so the older guy leaned his back against a lone tree and took a deep drag on his cigarette.
- Hey, Freckles. - Mickey greeted him cheerfully, opening his arms for a hug.
Ian thought about how much Mickey had changed over the month. The day they'd met, Milkovich couldn't even shake his hand or say the word 'gay' out loud.
And today, he was calmly offering his boyfriend a hug right in the middle of the street where anyone could see them. And Ian happily accepted, diving into the warmth of another man's body and pressing his cheek against the soft hair. Mickey smelled of home, like he always did - coffee, cigarettes, and something from the construction site.
- Missed you. - Whispered the redheaded boy.
- Me too. - The dark-haired man replied glumly, and then a wry grin cut across his face. - So, have you been drugged enough?
- Oh yeah, and they gave me some to take with me. - Ian shook the bag of pills.
He took a cigarette out of Mickey's mouth and took a drag.
- Shit. That's good. - He moaned and blew a stream of smoke into the cool fall air.
- You act like you're out of jail after three months, not out of the hospital after three days. - Milkovich grinned, picking up his cigarette.
- I haven't been in prison, but I think it feels similar.
They walked slowly down the street passing each other smoke and leisurely discussing the events of the last few days.
- Ian, there's something else I haven't told you before. - Mickey began, biting his thumb. And it was a sure sign that he was worried, so Ian was getting nervous too. Was there any chance that Mickey had cheated on him? While he'd been in the hospital... Had he?
His hands started to shake and he automatically reached out to squeeze the scar on his arm, hurting himself, but at that moment the older guy intercepted his hand.
- Hey, Ian, Ian, I don't know what's going through your head right now, but stop it, please. It's okay, okay? - He squeezed the big hand with his own.
- What's wrong? - The redhead asked hoarsely.
- 'It's just that your family might be here tonight...' Mickey answered awkwardly.
- What? They're... They're taking me? - A look of shock appeared on his face.
- Hell no! - Milkovich exclaimed hotly. - There's no way you're leaving unless you want to, okay?
That brought a measure of relief.
- Then why are they here? - Ian still didn't understand.
- They just want to socialize, okay? Maybe spend Halloween together, but nothing you wouldn't want. If you're uncomfortable for a second, just say the word and I'll send them away.
- Okay. - Ian sighed. He only wanted to spend the holiday with Mickey, but all in all, he could work with that.

*** 
He didn't know what to think. Obviously the arrival of his family had arranged it for Mickey, but Ian wasn't going to upset him by asking unnecessary questions. Mickey was clearly embarrassed to have arranged it, so Ian didn't say anything, just held his hand. So they walked home, even though it wasn't a long way, but Gallagher was glad of it. Even though he still felt weak, he wanted to move more and he really liked the cooled down air that smelled of leaves and rain. 
The boy wasn't sure he was happy to see his siblings. Sure, he would have loved to meet Liam, the kid was sweet, but mostly because he couldn't really talk yet, which meant he couldn't say something hurtful like the others did. Carl and Debbie were cute sometimes, too, but Carl was mostly only interested in the military stuff Ian was into, and after his treatment, he was pretty sure he wouldn't be allowed within a mile of a gun. And Debbie... when she was a kid, she'd been a sunshine, but as she entered adolescence, she'd started to act completely unbearable.... 

And anyway... they were the ones Ian could face, but Lip and Fiona. They were causing a lot of pain. Even thinking about it hurt and Ian didn't realize how hard he was clenching his jaws until he bit the tip of his tongue. 
He mentally ordered himself to relax and let it go, though he still didn't understand their motives. Just why they wanted to come. And he was also just afraid they'd ruin everything he and Mickey had, though he wasn't going to admit it, even if to himself.

*** 
Fiona was afraid of what this situation could have turned into. She was still ashamed that she had neglected one of her brothers, but more than that she was angry.
Angry that this guy, Mickey or whatever his name was, was claiming that they were the reason Ian was in the hospital. Whoever this man was, he didn't know anything and had no right to judge. The whole thing is utter nonsense.
But at the same time, she was nervous as hell that things were going to get out of control. She had to be in control of the situation.
So she grabbed Liam, woke Carl and Debbie up as early as she could and told them to pack for a few days. Lip had to borrow a car from his girlfriend in college. 
Speaking of Lip, he seemed just as nervous as Fiona, though he didn't tell her why. It pissed her off, he should know better to control things. 
But in the end, she had no choice. They were on their way to Lakeville. 
Lip showed up almost on time, his hair mussed and his cheeks red and his breathing still shallow, so it was obvious what he was paying back for the rental car. Fiona just sighed heavily and said nothing.
- Okay, guys, we're going to visit Ian, he's a little sick right now, but I'm sure he'll be happy to see us. - she turned to the younger ones.
- Ian? - Debbie asked perplexed. - I thought he'd gone to college....
- Ian hasn't finished school yet, honey. - her older sister patiently explained. Lip just rolled his eyes, because it was obvious - Ian had dropped out of school as soon as he left Chicago. 
Debbie and Carl stared dumbly at their sister and slammed their eyes shut.
- Then where the hell is he? - Carl asked.
- Tongue. - Fiona corrected him automatically.
- He decided he needed to be somewhere else. And since he's already eighteen,” Lip glanced meaningfully at the brown-haired girl. - He could actually live apart, but he's sick and we're going to visit him.
Fiona couldn't understand why Lip was suddenly siding with Ian, so she voiced her thought.  
- Because I'm ashamed of myself for ignoring him for the last year! - Shouted the guy back. - And apparently didn't notice at all that he hasn't been around for a whole month, and I still can't figure out how.
The girl didn't know what to say in response, so she nodded silently and started strapping Liam into the car seat. Lip rubbed his forehead with the palm of his hand and got behind the wheel, while Carl and Debbie seemed to be in shock altogether. The ride was tense, but Fiona hadn't expected anything different. As Lip drove, she stared out the window and absently crumpled the address written on a piece of paper. 

*** 
The neighborhood they arrived in was clearly better than the South Side, though it couldn't be called nice. Just less noise, no gunshots, and clean enough. But the address led them to an apartment building, in front of which Fiona paused for a second.
- So, guys, I'd like you to take it easy that Ian might not be quite well today, or if he feels tired, we'll let him rest. - The girl asked. The children nodded in agreement and said nothing, just looked at the building thoughtfully.
Fi adjusted Liam on her hip and followed Lip inside. When they got to the right floor, she was already pretty tired and still nervous because she didn't know if Ian would be happy to see them. It wasn't until her brother reached out to ring the bell that she noticed the door was decorated with plastic pumpkins like you'd find at a dollar store and black cobwebs. Damn, she'd forgotten it was Halloween, but all she had time to do before the door swung open was glimpse that the kids would be upset about the lack of a party. 
But then she couldn't think about it anymore, because her little brother was standing on the doorstep. A little haggard, pale, with sunken cheeks and deep shadows under his eyes. But he was a bloody redhead, tall enough to be taller than she remembered and he was alive. The girl felt a slight prick of conscience, but it passed quickly as Ian tentatively reached out to her for a hug, just like when she was a child. Liam made approving noises and grabbed Ian's outgrown hair, than made him laugh weakly. And his arms were noticeably weak and she certainly noticed the horrifying bandage that covered most of his arm, but forced herself to keep silent. Fiona inhaled his hair, expecting to smell home, but instead she smelled an unfamiliar odor something with cigarettes, like coffee... he smelled like a completely different man. And at that moment, when she wanted to brush it off and Lip, with a noticeable sense of guilt in his eyes, reached up to awkwardly hug his younger brother, she noticed the shadow of another man behind him. He stepped forward and the girl gasped. She wasn't even thinking when she screamed.
- Jesus, Ian. What the fuck? Are you friends with Mickey Milkovich?! - Because seriously, what the fuck, why is her innocent kid doing with that delinquent Milkovich.
The redhead rolled his eyes and stepped back, grabbing the dark-haired man's arm in a protective gesture, which of course didn't escape the gaze of Fiona and Lip beside her. And to be honest, she wasn't sure what was going through Carl and Debbie's minds because they'd been standing silent the whole time. 
- I'm not friends with Mickey. - Ian replied angrily and she was ready to laugh in his face because he couldn't deny the obvious, they were literally standing on the doorstep of their apartment right now.
- Don't be ridiculous, Ian, he's obviously the one who called me and you live together...” she pointed her hand into the darkness of the hallway.
- We're dating. - his words could cut a diamond. And that was the furthest thing from what Fiona could have expected. She'd never even expected that Ian might be gay, or bi, or whatever, because that was a broad concept and she wasn't very good at it. It's just, he'd never told her about it...or she just didn't remember. Right now, she was just confused, so much so that she couldn't even think right now about his obviously poor choice of mate. Although, heck, the fact that Milkovich liked guys was even more unbelievable, it seemed the man had somehow gotten her brother around.
Fi's eyes widened and she felt Lip tense up beside her, Ian obviously noticed this because he tensed up and stepped back a little.
- I don't... I mean, we certainly don't mind, we're just surprised. - she hastened to reassure him.
- 'Can we move the joy of the cammingout into the house and not discuss it on the doorstep? - Mickey spoke for the first time, the idea was surprisingly sensible.

*** 
Ian knew it was going to be like this. Knew that his siblings would judge Mickey, which was even worse than when they'd judged him. And that they wouldn't react to the news of his orientation the way parents do in happy movies.  
Fiona had assured him it was okay, of course, but he'd seen the way she looked at Mickey, and Lip was bound to act like a jerk later.
Ian let his siblings inside the apartment and smiled weakly at the younger ones, he was actually very tired but was glad to see the younger ones. When he left the place he used to call home, they had lost the closeness they had a few years ago, but they seemed nice now. 
- You've decorated everything so beautifully. - Debbie excitedly remarked, pointing to the yellow leaf ornaments.
- Yes, it was Mickey who surprised me because I love the holidays. - He smiled dreamily.
- Can we have a little party?
- I'm not sure I'm feeling well enough, Debs....
- You could sleep while I bake a pie, you love pumpkin pie. - she was enthusiastic and Ian couldn't refuse her. He was about to agree when there was a gunshot and a rumble in the bedroom.
- What the fuck?! - yelled Mickey. Fiona, Lip and Ian rushed towards the room, only to see Carl standing over a pile of shrapnel with Mickey's smoking gun in his hand.
- Cool. - he said with a manic grin on his face. Everyone breathed a sigh of relief, only Fi reached up to slap him, and the dark-haired boy snatched the gun angrily from the boy's hands.
But the redhead felt strangely calm and comforted, as if everything was as it had been before Monica's death.
*** 
Later, as Mickey personally made tea and coffee for everyone, all sitting in their cramped kitchen, Ian tried not to think about his hallucinations that had haunted him in this very place, but he still felt a growing unease.
- Excuse me, I need to step away for a moment. - He muttered, rising from his seat. His boyfriend threw an understanding look at him, he always understood everything and Ian loved that.
He went into the bedroom and grabbed the jar of anxiety pills from the nightstand that he was instructed to take when he felt a panic attack coming on. He didn't really feel like taking them, but he knew it would help. He pulled one out and was staring at it when the door behind him opened and hesitant footsteps sounded.
- Hey, sorry, didn't mean to interrupt. - Lip said.
- It's okay, just need to take my meds. - Ian smiled, quickly popping a pill into his mouth to avoid questions.
- Do you really need them?
- I don't really like them, but they really help. - he explained.
- I see.
There was an awkward pause, during which they both stared at each other until the redhead offered to sit down.
- Milkovitch, huh? - Lip grinned.
- I don't need your advice on that one. - cut the younger brother off.
- I wasn't going to, it's just that you're well... ?
- Gay? Yeah, I am.
- And how did you know that? I mean, have you ever been with a girl? How do you know you're gay if you haven't? - Ian had expected exactly that. He rolled his eyes.
- How do you know you're straight? Have you ever been with a guy? If you haven't, how would you know. - The redhead retorted.
To his surprise, that made Lip chuckle.
- Fair enough. You understand, I'm not disagreeing, just trying to understand. - Ian could see that he wanted to say something else, but they weren't in a relationship where they could get too personal. - It's just, why didn't you say something sooner?
- When before, Lip? I hardly ever see you. And you realize this is the longest conversation we've had in the last year and a half, right? - Ian asked. That made his brother almost cry.
- 'Shit, I'm so sorry, Ian, I'm so fucking sorry. I don't know how we got to this point. I'll never do that to you again, if you can forgive me of course. - His eyes glittered and his hands trembled.
- I've never really been angry with you. - Ian sobbed. - And I want to communicate with you, but I can't go back, Lip, I can't live there anymore.
- I would never ask you to do that, you got out of that hole, and that's all that matters.
- Thank you big brother. - The redhead smiled his gap-toothed smile and it was everything - forgiveness, acceptance, brotherly love. They hugged.

Chapter Text

Double, double toil and trouble
Fire burn, and cauldron bubble
Double, double toil and trouble
Something wicked this way comes
Eye of newt, and toe of frog
Wool of bat, and tongue of dog
Adder's fork, and blind-worm's sting
Lizard's leg, and owlet's wing.
John Williams - Double Trouble

Ian woke up to the smell of cinnamon, pumpkin and something else he couldn't recognize. It was strange and unfamiliar, Mickey hardly ever cooked and they usually ate whatever Ian managed to pick up in the evening after a day's work. It was so homely, living with Mickey in general was something incredible. Of course, you had to deal with problems like paying bills and cleaning. Mickey didn't really like doing dishes, folding things and laundry, but they really could handle it. They could wake up together, arms and legs tangled together, and look out the window because their room overlooked the park. And on weekends, lie there for hours, cuddling and kissing. Ian would have added another point too, sex, but after their first time together, things had spiraled down, like work and hospital and everything else, they were both tired all the time and now Ian admitted that his depression was taking its toll on him. But he wanted to, of course he did, even though it wasn't at the top of his list right now. He liked things the way they were. Everything was perfect, he loved Mickey, and Mickey loved him....
And then he heard a lot of voices in the kitchen and everything crashed like a huge iceberg. His family was here, they had come wanting something from him, even though it should be the other way around. It wasn't like he'd done anything wrong, he'd tried his best, helped his siblings, worked his ass off, put up with the obnoxious boss at the store and all that. But he felt bad and left, they didn't even notice, so who cares?
And now they're here and something weird is going on. Lip at least looks guilty and they actually talked, the younger ones are acting like nothing happened and to be honest, Ian is fine with that, but Fiona...
He just hoped she'd keep her exclusive opinion to herself, though he highly doubted it.
***
After a while the boy still managed to force himself to get up, though even after an hour's sleep he felt weak. But the smells from the kitchen were so appetizing, and besides, he realized that leaving the boy there, alone with a crowd of Gallaghers, was a crime.
In the kitchen he was greeted by an utterly bizarre sight. If Ian tried to tell anyone about it, they certainly wouldn't believe him. But the fact remained that his boyfriend was sitting at the table with Debbie and Carl, the redheaded girl decorating a pumpkin pie with cream while Mickey was... drawing a spider on her cheek ? What was going on here, was Ian in some parallel reality where everything was perfect?
- Did you kill anyone? - Carl asked cheerfully, and it brought the redhead back down to earth, because it was so normal.
- What? Hell no! - Mickey exclaimed.
- Too bad. - His younger brother sighed sadly, and Mickey just looked at his boyfriend with a What the fuck is wrong with your brother?
- Where's Fiona and Lip?” Ian asked just to distract Carl from the interrogation.
- They went to the store. - muttered Mickey, concentrating on drawing a shiny little spider on Debbie's cheek.
- What, why?
- Just some candy. - explained the sister. - Carl wanted to go to the neighbors' candy collection, but Mickey said he didn't know where to go around here. Fiona decided that we should all stay home and have some kind of party here.
- Fiona decided to have a party in my apartment? - The red-haired boy's eyebrows rose incredulously. It looks like it's going to be a very, very long day....
***
Eventually, by the time his older brother and sister returned to the apartment, Mickey had dragged him into their bedroom, slamming the door behind him.
Mickey, sweet kind Mickey, always understanding.
- I don't know if I can take it, all those looks from Fiona. It's like she blames me, but I can't see why. And Lip... we've talked, but he keeps looking so guilty. - Ian muttered into Mickey's shoulder. His long skinny arms, adorned with a multitude of freckles, hung tiredly at his sides and the only thing he had the strength to do was wiggle in the older boy's arms. - I didn't think I'd ever say this, but it was easier when it was just the two of us here.
- Shit. - The dark haired one whispered. - I kind of thought it might be good for you.
- I don't know, maybe it's for the best, but I think I'll be relieved when they're gone. - Gallagher sighed, slicking his hair back. - Honestly, I'm used to all the noise. And the hospital was pretty quiet... Besides, I feel tired all the time.
- Yeah, I should have called them later. When I called Fiona, I didn't realize you'd need a few days to recover. I'm sorry. - he seemed to really blame himself, and Ian didn't want that to be the case, because it wasn't true. He took the boy's hand and pulled him into a sloppy kiss. Mickey tasted wonderful, compared to his other kisses, whether it was Kash or Spikey, well this was just heaven and earth. The longer he was with Mickey, the more disgusted he found everything about Kash, his smell, his taste, the words he spoke.
And in fact, after that first kiss with Milkovich, he no longer considered the rest of it real, because it was the one thing, the most necessary and irreplaceable. Mickey acted deftly, using his tongue and teeth, with each movement he penetrated deeper, into Ian's body and his soul. There were sweet notes of cinnamon and cream added to his usual flavor of cigarettes and coffee. It was sensual, yet passionate and rough enough to stir the most vivid feelings these boys were capable of. Their sore, scarred, souls sought each other out in an effort to heal.
In perfect complement to each other, they moved in unison. A glimpse of Ian thought that the accelerated heartbeat, the blood running through his veins, the nicotine in his blood and Mickey was the best he'd ever felt in his life.
- Mmphm. - he moaned against the older guy's lips as he reached up to massage him through his pants. He was still weak, but he wanted more, impulsively his hips jerked forward and his eyes closed.
And just as Ian was about to start pulling Mickey's shirt off, the door swung open completely without warning and the boys turned around at the noise. They were both disheveled, heated, and the redhead felt frankly angry that they'd been interrupted at such an intimate moment.
- I'm sorry. - Fiona mumbled in surprise, but didn't move.
Ian raised his eyebrows meaningfully, but she just stood there with eyes the size of tea saucers.
- Fiona, did you want something? - The guy asked and tugged on Mickey's arm because he was just standing there, giggling stupidly.
- 'Just wanted to talk.
- Great, can we do this in a few minutes? - Ian felt like he was going to have to force his sister out the door to let them get cleaned up. Though of course he realized she was probably in shock. Fi had caught Lip embarrassed more than once, but never Ian. But he was so angry, it was their apartment, just him and Mickey, no one had the right to barge into their bedroom.
- Yeah, sure. - The girl agreed and slipped out the door.
- Well, now she'll learn to knock, at least. - Milkovich snorted, for which he immediately got a kick in the ribs from the redhead.
- That's not funny, Mick.
- It is funny, Mick. Did you even see her eyes? Besides, God knows she needed it to get off that big horse she was sitting on. - replied the dark haired man. Ian only rolled his eyes, because he realized that his boyfriend was right, of course.
- And you'd still have to talk to her. - Mickey continued.
- 'I know, and I will,' Gallagher nodded. - 'It's just, it'll take a few more minutes. - he explained, pulling the older man into another kiss.
***
Ian could still feel the comfort of his boyfriend's warmth and that was probably the only thing that gave him strength in talking to his sister. He didn't know exactly how it had happened, but he seemed to have lost his emotional connection to his family and he was really scared now that the conversation with Fiona was coming up and he didn't know how to start. He was scared and he tried to hide that fear behind anger. He had spent the whole month waiting and wanting to get back the love and attention of his family, but now that he had that attention, he didn't know what to do with it. But then he remembered the words of one of the therapists at the hospital : if you don't know how to communicate with a person now, just remember how it used to be. And damn it, it did seem to help. At first Ian focused on the memories from months ago, but that wasn't it, it just made him feel worse. And then he remembered coming home from school, with skinned knees and battered knuckles because he'd gotten into a fight after someone had called his sister a slut. And Fi was so affectionate, she treated his scratches and hugged him and called him a knight, she poured a glass of juice and gave him cookies, even though it was right after Monica left for the first time and they had no money, she kissed him on the forehead and then read aloud about the Marines, just like he loved. It was a happy memory, it made her smile.
Fiona chose just the right moment to enter, knocking this time.
- Hey. - Ian smiled affectionately Now that he had refreshed his memory of the events of twelve years ago, pleasing his older sister was not so difficult.
- Hey, I just wanted to talk to you. - The girl smiled cautiously, sitting down on the edge of the bed. She looked at his face, as if trying to re-memorize every forgotten freckle, chipped teeth and disheveled hair.
- I'm glad you came. - Said the guy after an awkward moment of silence. - I'm just still not feeling very well. - He waved his left hand uncertainly, which still had a fresh bandage on it.
- We shouldn't have come so soon. - Fiona replied in an awkward excuse.
- That's okay...
There was another awkward pause, and Ian was beginning to doubt that they'd talk at all today, so he decided to start talking about what was bothering him.
- I'm not going back to Chicago, you know that, right? I've already told Lip and I'm telling you. I'm fine here and I'll be happy to hang out with you guys, but there's no way I'm going back there.
The brown-haired girl looked at him slightly in disbelief.
- You're not serious, are you?
- Of course I'm serious, Fi. You see, I got out, we got out, I got a boyfriend. And I know this apartment sucks, but it's ours. And I got a job, too, and I'm gonna get my GED, whatever. - he jumped up and started pacing the room, waving his arms around.
- But, Ian, what about the army, you've dreamed of it so much! - she stood up too. - You don't know how to prioritize.
Ian looked at his sister coldly.
- You know, goals in life can change, maybe before I wanted to die for the country, but now I just want to live peacefully. Besides, even if I still wanted to join the army, I don't think they would have taken me after voluntarily registering in a mental hospital, after all, the army knows how to prioritize. - He caustically remarked.
That made Fiona sit back in her seat and run her hands through her hair.
- Damn, I'm sorry, I didn't mean to yell at you.
- Look Fi, I love you and I love you all, but I'm an adult, I can decide for myself what I want to do in life, where I want to live and you can't decide for me anymore.
She sighed heavily in response to that, she was clearly having a hard time accepting.
- Yeah, I understand that, we'll just try to keep in touch. - She whispered eventually, taking her brother's hand. - And hey, I hope I don't catch you and your boyfriend doing whatever it is you do anymore, I don't need that image in my head.
- Well it was your own fault, the door was locked. - Ian chuckled.
- Yeah, you're right, of course. - She agreed, and they fell into a pleasant silence.
- By the way, I remembered something today. - grinned the girl. The redhead looked at her curiously and she continued. - Yeah, when you said you were gay, all I could think about was that you never talked about boys, even as a kid, and Lip was always talking about girls. I thought about it for a long time, and then I remembered. You played little league, remember?
- Yeah...” Ian blushed.
- You came over one day and wouldn't stop talking about that older boy. How tough and brave he was. Oh my God, at the time I just thought you wanted to be like him, but you liked him. - she laughed. - I wonder who it was, you mentioned a name then, but I can't remember.....
- Yeah, it was Mickey. - The guy felt himself getting even redder from his neck and up to his cheeks.
- Really? - the girl laughed out loud. - I can't believe you were so in love with him back then.
- Hey, you can't blame me, he was the coolest guy on the team! - The redhead exclaimed, covering his face with his hands.
- 'Okay okay okay,' the older Gallagher smiled. - Come here.
She held her brother tightly to her chest, just like when she was a child, and kissed him on the forehead.
- Now let's go to the kitchen and make sure Carl doesn't eat all the chocolate peanut butter pots.
***
It was a quiet party by Gallagher standards, but it was still fun, there was music, there were lots of sweets. And Mickey clearly hit it off with Debbie, though he refused to admit it, but Ian could see him smiling and laughing with her.
That evening, as the Gallaghers got ready to leave, they all took turns giving Ian a big hug, with a promise to return soon, Lip shook Mickey's hand as a sign of reconciliation, Fiona and Debbie awkwardly hugged him, and Carl only looked on admiringly. Liam was merrily babbling something and pulling both boys' hair.
The Gallaghers had planned to spend the night at Ramilda's and drive early in the morning and as they walked outside and got into the car, Ian felt tears come to his eyes, but they were tears of relief and joy and Mickey was hugging him around the waist from behind, putting his face between his shoulder blades.

Chapter Text

Can't say how the days will unfold,
Can't change what the future may hold
But, I want you in it
Every hour, every minute
Grant Gustin - Runnin' home to you

The sun was shining too brightly for November, and it came up too early, waking Mickey unpleasantly at about seven in the morning. It was his only day off, and even though he was thinking of taking a little vacation, it was still a shame to wake up so early. The only thing that brightened up this cold but sunny morning was the chance to just watch Ian for a little while longer.
He slept peacefully, his chest falling and rising smoothly in time with his breathing, he looked like an angel in his sleep, with his freckles, his pale but plump lips, his eyelashes fluttering beneath his transparent eyelids, and his eyebrows moving slightly as if he were talking to someone. But Ian wasn't an angel. Angels don't smoke weed or attempt suicide.
Mickey couldn't admit it even to himself, except in moments like this, when the apartment was filled with silence and no one in the whole world could see him, but he was scared as hell. Ever since he'd found Ian in that bloody bathtub, breathless and barely alive, he hadn't known how to live anymore. Every time the redhead disappeared from his sight for more than an hour, Mickey's heart clenched with fear.
And this morning, he just wanted to savor the chance to breathe next to Freckles without fear of him falling apart in his arms.
As the breeze blew and Milkovich snuggled deeper into the blanket, he reached out and gently stroked Ian's cheek, then pressed his mouth against his plush lips.
That gentle touch certainly woke him up.
The red-haired boy stretched like a cat and gave Mickey a two-hundred-watt smile, which the older boy was unspeakably happy to see. Ian hadn't had any energy at all lately and smiled rather little.
- Good morning. - Gallagher said a hoarse but happy hello.
- Same to you, Freckles. - Mickey smiled.
He reached down, tracing a trail of wet kisses down his boyfriend's pale, taut belly. Mickey loves doing this, enjoys licking and kissing every millimeter of Ian's body. He hears the redhead giggling from above and thinks it's funny and nice that he can laugh just for fun. Mickey likes it.
- What are you doing ? - Red asked cheerfully and started squirming.
- Hey, stay where you are, can't I please my boyfriend already? - the older boy pretended to be indignant, untying the string on his pajama pants.
- Boyfriend, huh?
- Yes, boyfriend! - The dark-haired boy answered firmly, and thought sadly that only a little over a month ago, the place where he was now was so out of reach. And if Ian hadn't asked him to spend the night at his place then, if he hadn't made him fall in love now.... Mickey thought he'd probably be either in jail to get away from his father or dead in a ditch somewhere. But that's sad, he didn't want to think about sad things right now, because he was the luckiest man alive, even though he was afraid of missing out on that happiness.
He pulled down Ian's pants, noticing with a smile that he slept without underwear. Mickey grinned into the velvet skin and began kissing the pelvic bones dotted with freckles. He fucking loved making Ian moan and squirm under him, he felt all-powerful at times like this.
- Please.... - Gallagher squeezed out, probably not knowing what he was asking for, “Mickey...
- So not patient. He gently touched the redhead's dick with his hand, trying not to look at his shredded thighs. Mickey knew he wasn't very experienced, but he always approached this endeavor with diligence and effort. He just wanted to hear more of Ian and the beautiful, sinful moans his innocent mouth was making. Mickey looked up, meeting the redhead's stupefied gaze, and stuck out his tongue. He ran it agonizingly slowly down his shaft, touching every vein and freckle. He worshipped it like a work of art, because that was what he could call his boyfriend.
- Please, Mick, don't tease me. - Gallagher moaned, clutching the sheets beneath him. And Micky couldn't help but obey it. He opened his mouth wide, squeezed the younger man's pale thighs in his hands, and covered the head of his dick with his lips. He may not have had much experience, but he was enthusiastic. The dark-haired guy sucked the tip with undisguised pleasure and moved his tongue around. Then Ian reached up and ran his long fingers through Milkovich's hair, making him moan shamelessly himself. Mickey didn't think he'd like it when someone pulled on his hair, but it felt so damn good.... He let the redheaded guy lead, relaxed his throat and took as much as he could. With his right hand still on his thigh, and his left hand around the part he couldn't swallow. That made the younger man moan louder, and Mickey smirked smugly.
- Mmmmikki, aaahhhh. - The redhead's voice was hoarse, making Mickey's cock grow painfully hard. He rubbed himself against the sheets to get the relief he wanted. It felt good, and he moaned around Ian's dick, forcing his hips forward and his back arched.
- Mick, I'm going to cum... - Gallagher warned in a weak voice and immediately shot hot spurts down his boyfriend's throat. It was a lot, but it wasn't too bad, it was so damn arousing. Still holding the soft organ in his mouth, Mickey reached up and stroked himself with his hand, squeezing hard. It only took a few seconds for him to cum, falling onto the bed next to Ian.
- Fuck, that felt good. - Gallagher whispered, breathing hard. - And fucking hot.
Mickey couldn't argue with him about that, it was the fucking truth.
***
They decided to have breakfast outside, in a nearby park, just to diversify the routine. It was so homey, so cozy, it was something Mickey had never had. But Ian knew what it was like and was determined to share everything he knew with his boyfriend. Mickey wanted to cry at the realization of what was happening.
But here they were, the two of them in the cramped kitchen, hot and wet from their shower together, wearing only boxers, so happy. Ian's cheeks flushed with laughter and the cold of the apartment, he was so beautiful.
- I think we should ask the landlord when they're going to give the shitty heating. - Mickey remarked carelessly.
Ian nodded in agreement and absent-mindedly handed the guy a sweater that was hanging on the back of a chair.
- Here, put it on, we don't want you getting sick.
- So thoughtful. - grinned the dark-haired man.
- Don't get too excited. Maybe I just don't want to deal with your snot.
Mickey feigned shock on his face.
- How dare you!? - he exclaimed and shoved the younger boy under the ribs. The next second they were playfully wrestling on the floor.

***
Eventually, after another round of kissing on the kitchen floor, Mickey managed to make coffee, and they wrapped themselves in sweaters and went outside. The weather was worth a little cold, because it was probably the last sunny day of the year.
They sat down on a remote bench in the park to just enjoy each other's company and Ian rested his head on Milkovich's shoulder. It was good, Mickey was calmer when he could feel Ian physically, could hear him breathing. They sat like that for a few minutes until he noticed that the redhead's breathing was uneven, as if he wanted to say something but didn't dare. Mickey looked into his boyfriend's face.
He pulled on a smile that would have seemed genuine and sincere to anyone who saw it. To anyone but Mickey, because Mickey knew him too well.
- What's the matter, E?
- Nothing...” the man tried to look away.
- I see, I know something's wrong, just tell me. - insisted the older man.
- I didn't... I just felt sick again yesterday. I called the doctor and they said there that I might be suicidal all my life and I'm... I'm so scared. - He hesitantly fell silent.
Mickey swallowed the bile that had formed in his mouth. He was unspeakably scared too. 'Smiling depression, that's what they said. And Ian had been smiling and laughing all morning, but what was going on inside him?
- It's okay, Ian, I'll get you, I'll be there for you, okay? It's gonna be okay. But you have to promise me something. - he tried not to give away the tremor in his voice.
- What?” the redhead asked hopefully.
- As soon as you feel worse, you have to tell me, okay? It's the only way I can help.
- Okay...
They sat in silence for a minute while Mickey pressed his cold lips to Gallagher's temple.
- I love you, you know that.
- I know...I love you too, so damn much.
- And that means we'll get through this, Ian, because we have each other.
- Good. - Ian nodded firmly and his breathing evened out again.
- 'One more thing... My mom kind of invited me to visit...' Mickey began. Gallagher looked up sharply, clearly interested. - 'Apparently she married some rich guy, so I told her I'd only come with my boyfriend.
- And when are we going?! - Ian was like an excited child, which made Mickey laugh.
- 'I think if you don't mind, we can go in a few days.
- God, I can't wait to meet your mom. - and he happily went off on a rant about what she must be like and how this mini vacation was going to go. Mickey was happy as hell.

Chapter Text

Котику Сіренький Котику Біленький
Котку Волохатий не ходи по Хаті
Не ходи по Хаті не буди Дитяти
Дитя буде спати Котик воркотати.
[Little gray cat Little white cat
Don't come in the house, Hairy Cat
Don't walk around the house Don't wake the baby
The child will sleep The cat will coo].
Ukrainian lullaby

To put it mildly, it was just surreal. But mostly just wild. Laura had never imagined that the day would ever come when her boy would be standing on the doorstep of her new home with another boy.
She'd never been particularly attached to Mickey, except when he was a baby. Then he had loved the quiet lullabies Laura sang to him and Mandy before bedtime, walking in the park on sunny days and looking at pictures in a book.
But the older her boy got, the more he became like Terry and ceased to be her baby. At the time, Laura had thought it was a pattern.
Obviously, now she saw the real reason. Mickey was scared, he didn't want to admit who he was, he needed help but didn't know how to ask for it.
Laura left because she could no longer bear her ex-husband's presence without drinking or drugs, she needed to get away from it and there were only two choices, run away or die. She chose the former.
Leaving was good and Tom, her new husband was a nice guy, rich enough but not arrogant. Understanding enough not to look at her with judgment when he saw the bruises on her wrists and ribs. He asked if she wanted to stay and she did. Tom asked about Terry and the kids and she told him.
***
When Laura invited Mickey to come visit, she was sure he would never accept. Not that she had any expectations. But after that strange and confusing encounter at the store in Lakeville, Laura told Tom about it and he was surprised.
- 'From what you told me, I thought you'd never want to see that baby,' he said surprised.
- Yeah, I know I sounded bad, but it looks like I was really wrong, he seems to be fine. - The woman sighed heavily. - 'But I don't think he's really coming.
- Well, if he ever does, I'd love to meet him. - Tom replied, adjusting his glasses on his nose.
***
Mickey showed up in the afternoon, having sent a small message the day before, announcing his intention. Laura would say it wasn't very polite, but that would just be ridiculous. In fact, it was even suspiciously tactful for a Southern teenager. Life with Tom had changed her too much.
Anyway, she was surprised when she saw the message, but even more surprised when she saw Mickey himself. So surprised that she froze for a few seconds.
- You're fucking rich now, aren't you? - The guy snorted questioningly and it brought her back down to earth immediately. She was thankful he wasn't poking her in the face that she'd left out of it with Terry. But how could he, he knew what it was like to live with that monster.
- And you have a boyfriend. - The woman stated with an understanding smirk.
She looked at the red-haired boy. He looked like he was having a hard time getting there, even though she knew it wasn't that long of a drive. Besides, it looked like he was either seriously ill or had just gotten out of the hospital, too thin, pale, and exhausted. Laura just hoped he wasn't dying or something. They didn't have much stuff, just one bag.
- Yeah, this is Ian. It's good to see you and all that shit, but can you still let us in? - That cheeky grin she'd definitely seen before.
Laura glanced down at their joined hands, deep down glad that they could actually be brave and free, but her gaze stopped at the wide gauze bandage on the redhead's arm. The woman prudently remained silent.
***
Mickey Tom seemed like a normal guy. Reserved, but obviously wouldn't raise a hand to a woman. He was a million times better than Terry.
And later, almost nightly, Micky voiced these thoughts to Ian, which Ian certainly agreed with.
The two of them locked themselves in the room with the hot tub. It was late at night and Laura and Tom must have been asleep long ago. It was quiet and nice. Not embarrassed by their own nakedness, because they knew each other thoroughly inside and out, the boys climbed into the bubbling tub, pressing their shoulders against each other.
Ian enjoyed the silence, the warmth of his boyfriend under his side and his scent.
- Are we always going to be like this? - He asked awkwardly.
Mickey could have asked what he meant, but he knew perfectly well. Ian was asking if they would be together forever, if they would still be friends like this and know each other thoroughly.
- 'Of course, E.' he answered, dropping his head to his freckled shoulder.
- And where will we be?
- Wherever you want, if you want, we'll stay here, or move to Australia, whatever you want, whatever you want. We have all the time in the world. - Milkovich replied in a whisper.
- I like Lakeville. - Nodded the redhead, kissing his dark hair thoughtfully.
- I like you. - Mickey sang out with a smile.
- Yeah, you're nice too.
- Hey, fuck you!” the older boy shouted in an impassioned voice. They both laughed. The full moon was peeking through the small window above the bathroom, perfectly clear and fresh. And there was no more storm outside or in the shower. Only happiness and endless peace.