Archive of Our Own ^beta

Yuri was still out of breath when he wiped his dagger clean in his room down in the Abyss. Outside, the sun was about to rise, but down here, it was as dark as it always was. 

He felt tired, but the maintenance of his weapons was crucial and always came first. While people on the surface were only just starting to get up, he had been awake all night. He thought that by now, his body should have gotten used to his unusual schedule, but it still was hard sometimes. Lord of the Underground or not, he was still human, and humans craved the light of the sun - Yuri was no exception.

In times like this, Yuri sometimes granted himself the luxury of a little thought game. What if he had not killed those people back then? It was such a petty thought, leading nowhere at all, but it still came back to him again and again.

It might have been such a convenient life. His own room in the dorm, nourishing food every day, a life in bright daylight with a prosperous future up ahead. Such perfect conditions would have spared him a lot of time and effort for his skin care, and he would have looked fantastic in the Garreg Mach Uniform. It really was a pity…

Alas, despite what a lot of people thought about him, Yuri was a man with principles, so all of this would never be for him. Still, deep down he knew what it was that had sent him those thoughts tonight. Or rather, who.

Although it had already been a few weeks since this year’s newcomers had arrived at the Officer’s Academy, Yuri had only seen him for the first time tonight, and it had been a huge surprise. There had been a lot of talking about quite a few high-ranking nobles joining the Blue Lions, but as usual, nobody had talked about the commoners. Nobody had talked about Ashe.

It was both unexpected and a little strange to walk into somebody who knew a thing or two about Yuri’s past in a place like this, but to his surprise, the fact that it was Ashe of all people made it less worrisome. The boy was a good kid and would not act against him without good reasons, Yuri was sure about that. 

Not that it did matter since he did not plan to show his face around him anytime soon. Instead, he enjoyed watching him from the shadows. Like that, he soon found out that the boy had not changed at all. He was still kind and upright, always worked hard and helped everyone around. Although Yuri had always feared that Ashe’s kindness would someday be his doom in this cruel and corrupt world, he was relieved to find out that he seemed to get along fine. He really was a strong guy: neither the poor circumstances of his past nor the often shady nobles around him later on had managed to corrupt his heart. 

Sometimes, Yuri would see him struggle with his homework or overexercise when all it would have needed was a little correction of his stance. Those were the times when he felt a tiny sting inside for not being able to actively approach him and help, but a little reminder that this was only for the best usually helped. Back then, before Lord Lonato had taken him in, Ashe had been terribly close to entering the same world Yuri called his home, and in Yuri’s eyes, he clearly did not belong there. He just deserved better than that.

At least it was easy to convince himself of this until the lines between their worlds suddenly started to blur. With the scandal around Aelfric, the existence of the Ashen Wolves was exposed to everyone at Garreg Mach, and - unable to resist Byleth’s taciturn charme, Yuri soon found himself partaking in the regular lectures of the Blue Lions as well as joining them on some of their missions. 

They were a fascinating bunch of people. Dimitri, probably the future king of Faerghus, turned out to be not half as useless and unapproachable as Yuri had honestly expected him to be. He was a hard-working guy who was not unaware of his people’s problems. While he was still young and lacked political influence, Yuri thought that he might be worth fighting for in the future - if he managed to overcome whatever worrisome darkness was lurking deep within him. He was always surrounded by a commoner from Duscur. That Dedue guy was a giant of a man, and he was painfully alert around Yuri. It was a pity since they both seemed to share a certain passion for cooking and knew a thing or two about society’s prejudices. Under different circumstances they might have become friends.

The other nobles of the Blue Lions were not half bad either. There was Felix, the future Duke of Fraldarius. He was much too grumpy for Yuri’s taste, but an amazing swordsman. In battle, he would love to have him by his side. Always attached to the swordman’s hip was an easygoing and handsome redhead from the house of Gautier. He was a notorious skirt chaser and often got himself into trouble because of this, but Yuri found himself a little curious if his attraction was really reserved for women only. And last but not least, there was Ingrid from the rather poor house of Galatea, and the two of them soon started to get along just fine. Their friendship was the best proof that food brought people together, for Yuri loved to cook for her as much as she loved to taste his cooking.

The other three members of the Blue Lions were commoners. Annette and Mercedes seemed to be the definition of ‘besties’, and their presence was enough to brighten up the whole classroom. Annette was clever and cheerful, and Mercedes was one of the most gentle persons Yuri had ever met. While the three of them did never grow particularly close, it was basically impossible to not get along with them. 

The last of the commoners was, of course, Ashe - and as happy as Yuri was to meet him again, as rocky did their relationship develop. Yuri was now able to help him with his homework since learning came easier to him than it had ever done to Ashe, and Ashe had by then become such a skilled archer that he could teach Yuri a thing or two. Sometimes, they even would help out in the kitchen together.

Apart from that, however, they - as Hapi liked to put it - ‘argued like an old married couple’. After she had said those words, Yuri had pouted whenever he met her for a couple of days, but deep down, he knew that she had been right.

It had been so obvious that they cared about each other, and at the same time, they had been unable to make anything work. Yuri was so used to keeping people at arm’s length, and he still was convinced that Ashe deserved so much better anyway. At the same time, Ashe had always been open in showing affection and care. The only thing they seemed to have in common was how stubborn they both were in defending their points of view. And so they clashed, again and again, until one day, the people around them just had enough and decided to step in. 

It had been Byleth who implemented the plan, and only later did Yuri find out that his students - both from the Blue Lions and the Ashen Wolves - had asked him to come up with something. Times were already getting rougher back then, everybody could feel how war and crisis seemed to draw closer, but so far, the studies at the Officer’s Academy continued as planned. And so Byleth had had every right to send Ashe and him out together to clean an old storage house behind the stables, while somebody from the Ashen Wolves who refused to reveal him or herself until the very day had taken the liberty to lock the door behind them, leaving them trapped in the musty, dark building ‘to figure things out’.

It truly had been an unfortunate situation for both of them, and they both learned something new about each other. And maybe also about themselves. 

The first couple of minutes, both of them seemed to be just fine. It was not exactly true in Yuri’s case, but Ashe could not know that. Yuri had never told him that he was allergic to almost everything with a fur, and he had tried his best not to let his worry about the proximity of so many horses and stable cats show. Ashe had not even questioned why he had taken a scarf with him to cover up his mouth and nose, probably thinking that it was just against the smell of the animals. It was not true, of course, but it did not seem out of character since he had a reputation of being a little vain at times. 

At the same time, Yuri did not question why Ashe was so quiet while they searched the room for a possible escape. He just thought the boy with the ashen hair was concentrating on finding a way out of this mess. 

Anyway, they had to give up their search after a few minutes. There were no windows at all, and the door did not possess a lock but was closed with a beam from the outside. Oh, the irony of two skilled thieves locked inside a room and unable to escape because there was no damn lock to break! Those who had come up with the plan really knew them well. Also, at that time of the day, the area here was deserted. Everybody was busy working in the kitchen or learning in their classrooms, so the only thing left to do seemed to be sitting it out.

In this situation, Yuri had been so mad at his friends from the Abyss. Where was this supposed to lead them? He had no idea, but - resigning to his fate, he sat down on the dirty floor next to Ashe.

The boy still did not say a word, and it was too dark for Yuri to see his face, but instead, he soon noticed something else. Wasn’t he breathing a little too fast? 

“Ashe? Are you alright?” his voice had already started to sound a little hoarse - so his allergy was getting to him even here, with the animals out of sight. How amazing. He could already imagine how swollen his eyes would look once they got out of here.

Suddenly being addressed like this seemed to startle Ashe. Yuri could hear him flinch before replying: “Yeah sure, I’m completely fine.” The only problem was that - judging by his voice - nothing was fine. Too high pitched. Wavering. With a hint of… panic? He sighed.

“You’re still as bad a liar as you have always been, Ashe. What’s wrong?” Yuri insisted, but Ashe stubbornly refused to give him an answer.

In the end, it was a rat of all things Yuri had to thank for getting a clue. It probably lived in this storage house and did not expect to meet two students sitting on the ground, so, when it noticed them, the quiet rustling of its almost invisible movements was replaced by a surprised squeaking before it hurriedly left through whichever hole in the wall it had entered.

Suppressing impulses was a hard thing to do when somebody was scared, and obviously, Ashe was scared. Was he afraid of rats? Yuri hardly believed that. The small animals were not particularly welcome anywhere, but they were a common sight in the parts of towns Ashe and he used to know best. So was it the darkness? The locked room?

“Come on, Ashe - I can tell you’re afraid. Give me a little help to find out what it is that scares you, will you?”

There were no bad intentions behind his words, he only wanted to figure it out to see if he could help. However, once again, his words seemed enough to make Ashe angry.

“Stop that, Yuri! I’m perfectly fine. I don’t need your protection. I… uwaaah!”

Ending his high-spirited declaration with a meek little scream like this surely took a little bit away from his pridefully uttered words, but it told Yuri - who had caused the reaction by quietly blowing into his friend’s ear - exactly what he wanted to know.

“So you’re still afraid of ghosts, huh?” he asked him, unable to fully conceal the amusement in his voice. It made him remember how terribly afraid little Ashe had been of ghost stories just a few years ago. How adorable this was - - -

Yuri got what he deserved for his thoughts and actions when Ashe boxed him in the shoulder. It actually hurt and reminded him that the boy no longer was a skinny child but a trained archer with strong arms.

“Ouch!” he exclaimed, offendedly, but Ashe did not apologize. Instead, he remained silent, and Yuri pitied himself for not being able to see his expression in the dark room. It would have told him a lot about what was going on in Ashe’s cute little head right now.

“A gold coin for your thoughts…” he mumbled when the silence stretched out even longer, but Ashe still kept him waiting before he finally spoke up.

“Do you really wanna know my thoughts?” Ashe’s voice was quiet, not much louder than a whisper. “Because I always think that you don’t care about my opinion at all.”

Huh? Where did that come from? Before Yuri could ask him about it, Ashe had already continued by himself:

“I didn’t want to tell you because I knew what was going to happen. That you’d mock me. Add it to your ‘he’s still that cute child from back then’ agenda.”

As much as Yuri wanted to protest, as hard he found it to think of something to prove his innocence. It was what he had thought, at least until Ashe’s fist had blessed his shoulder with a fresh bruise.

“See?” Ashe asked him. “I’m right, am I not? You never stopped thinking of me as something like a baby brother. But that’s not what I am. And it’s not what I want to be to you…”

“I know that.” Yuri admitted after a short period of silence, refusing to make it clear which part of Ashe’s statement he was referring to. It applied to both of them anyway.

Ashe was not done yet: “Then why do you keep doing it?”

At first, this did not seem like a hard question at all. To protect Ashe, of course. From dangerous situations as well as from bad influences. Was this not what everybody wanted for the people they loved?

However, it was all too easy for Ashe to disable those arguments: “I don’t need your protection. Not like this. I am a soldier now, and soldiers are no saints. I don’t find enjoyment in killing people, but I do what is necessary. It is my duty to protect those who are too weak to protect themselves, and it is my wish to also be able to protect those who are important to me. For no matter how strong somebody is, it is always good to know that there is somebody who has your back, right?”

Yuri could not disagree with this, and it led them to the core of the problem - to the one thing Yuri was afraid of.

“Then, can you promise me that I won’t have to write your name into my notebook one day?” It came out more emotional than Yuri had wanted it to do.

It was his biggest fear. Opening the book to write down another name was the worst thing he could imagine. There were already so many names in there. Names of people who had called him a friend, only for him to not be there when they had really needed him. The idea that Ashe could be one of them seemed unbearable. 

“So you claim that you fear to lose me, but at the same time, it is okay if I have to read your name on a tombstone one day, fully knowing that you never even gave me the chance to be around and protect you? I would not have expected you to be such a selfish coward, Yuri.” 

There was now no longer anger in Ashe’s voice, but sorrow, and Yuri understood that he had lost this verbal duel. How was he supposed to inflict the same feeling of regret about what could have been on somebody else when it was a feeling which weighed himself down again and again? And maybe all of this was exactly what he had longed for deep within, given the relief he felt now that he understood how serious Ashe was being with him. Still, he sighed:

“Fine. Ashe Ubert, I swear to Seiros that if you die on me, I will come and find your ghost and haunt you! Not only will you be afraid of yourself because it technically makes you what you are the most afraid of, no, I will be the bane of your existence. Or non-existence. Or whatever it is that ghosts are!”

The following silence was only a very brief one, and it was replaced with a cute snicker from the boy next to him.

“This is not exactly funny. I’m being serious here!” Yuri informed him with only half-feigned indignation, but for some reason, it was hard to stay stern.

Next to him, the still chuckling Ashe moved, and a moment later, Yuri felt the warm pressure of another hand on his own. It was a surprisingly big one and Yuri could sense the calluses that came with regular archery training.

“I am… allowed to do this now, right?” Ashe asked him, and the sheepish sound of his voice was so adorable that Yuri could not resist teasing him a little:

“Are you even aware of what you brought on yourself by claiming to want me? It surely wasn’t just holding hands I had in mind when I agreed.”

It was a pretty bold statement, and Yuri already thought about how the innocent young man next to him probably was blushing right now, when Ashe once again surprised him:

“Well, good thing it wasn’t the only thing I had in mind either.”

It was hard to admit, but those words left Yuri, the usually always snarky Lord of the Underground, at a loss for words.

So, to everyone’s surprise, when their friends got them out of their confinement just a little later after having confirmed that their arguments had finally been settled, not Ashe but Yuri was the one who was looking flustered.