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Lovebirds on the Left-Wing

Summary:

Chaz and Chloe go on their first date. Norm is not entirely fond of this idea.

Updates whenever.

Notes:

Chaz uses they/it/that pronouns in this fic. I know the line about “that” being one of their pronouns was likely a joke, but Chaz using dehuman pronouns is a headcanon I’m rather fond of.

Chloe uses she/they because yea it just makes sense.

(See the end of the work for more notes.)

Chapter 1

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

The residents of 7 Colin Kaepernick drive were quite the polarized bunch, politically speaking. Even still, the patriarch of the family stuck out like a sore thumb, in that he was the most conservative of the bunch.

It just didn’t make sense to him. The old norm of conservatism seemed to be on a record win-streak. He truly believed it to be strong enough to hold its own against the woke mob.

But of course, Biden just had to drop out of the presidential race, nominating Kamala Harris to take his place. And those self-hating libs, with their insatiable cravings for wokeness, drooled over the prospect of someone other than that “Genocide Joe” in office.

The world turned upside down in the blink of an eye. Between the establishment of the Council of Woke, and the intrusive government program that invites people like Chaz into his private property, Kamala was doing wrong by Norm. And it was sickening.

Even his wife was opening up to this wokist mindset. Right there, on his red couch, she was watching classic liberal Bill Maher rambling on about some centrist slop. It just wasn’t right.

Somehow, even Bill Maher wasn’t woke enough for this new normal. O.M.N.I. was using its “fact check” function every time Maher opened his mouth.

“Zionism and antisemitism are not incompatible, despite what Maher suggests,” it vocalized.

Janice took a sip of iced tea. “I’m learning so much today. This new fancy robo-assistant we’ve got has really… opened my eyes to critical thought.”

“This ain’t critical thought,” Norm sighed. “You’re just acceptin’ whatever garbage this thing throws at you!”

“It’s giving me new points to consider,” she shrugged.

Norm leaned back, his chair creaking as it adjusted itself.

“Thank God that Chaz kid’s not down here. That thing’d probably start foamin’ at the mouth if ‘they’ heard the stuff this guy’s saying.”

Maher continued prattling on about the conflict in the Middle East. Norm turned to his wife.

“What’re they up to up there, anyway?”

“Oh, they’re just preparing for their first date.”

“First what?!”

“They grow up so fast, don’t they?” Janice took another sip of tea.

“Too fast,“ he scoffed. “She’s not old enough to be going on dates, and that… person, whatever they call themself, is a bad influence.”

“Chaz? Chaz is fine. You should really get to know them, Norm, it’ll do you well. After all, you’re kind of stuck with them ‘til you get the hang of this woke stuff.”

“It’s a government agent, darlin’. It’s a spy for the woke mob.”

“And a nice one at that.”

“Whatever. I’m gonna take a snooze break, this left-wing stuff is a nightmare I can’t woke up from.”

O.M.N.I. interjected. “WARNING: OFFENSIVE.”

Right then, the stairs began to creak. A flurry of giggles accompanied the crescendoing noise as two well-dressed individuals descended into the living room.

Chloe was in an eco-friendly dress made of recycled polymer. Dyed green with natural dyes. Her thrifted beanie was spangled with pins.

Chaz’s outfit was far less cohesive. The combination of the suit and skirt left a lot of ambiguity, and the baggy black tones obfuscated their body shape. Their mask was black to match, with a pattern that matched their light eyeliner well.

As he caught a glimpse of the outfits, Norm couldn’t help but squint at Chaz. The pink-haired progressive simply rolled their eyes before turning back to Chloe.

“You should probably grab a mask as well. We’re going out in public.”

“…but we’re vaccinated, aren’t we supposed to be safe?”

“Think about the immunocompromised, Chloe. COVID didn’t go away after quarantine, and if people just listened to the government, maybe we wouldn’t need to do this.”

There was a sparkle in Chloe’s eyes. “You’re so insightful.”

“I try my best,” it laughed.

As Chloe ran to the kitchen to retrieve her face mask, Chaz stood next to Janice.

“And you two are sure you don’t want me to drive you?”

Chaz fought a snicker. “We’re fine, thanks. Biking, walking, and busing all take a stance against car-centric infrastructure, and they fight climate change by reducing the amount of carbon emissions in the atmosphere.”

“Alright, you two have fun out there. Remember, if anything happens, call me.”

Mask donned, Chloe rushed in with a nod. “You got it, mom. We’ll be back by five.”

With little else said, the two of them began to bike their way to the nearest bus stop.

“So, Chaz…”

Chaz’s ears perked up. “Hm?”

“What inspired you to work for the government?”

“Well, I’ve always been an advocate for government intervention, especially to help the less fortunate. But I wasn’t going to work under Trump.”

The name sent a shiver down Chloe’s spine. Chaz wiped the sweat off their own forehead before continuing.

“When Kamala’s council approached me, I was still very anti-work, and since I’m a minor, I tried calling them out for child exploitation. But then they mentioned how I could make a difference in people’s lives and… I dunno, something just clicked, I guess. Realized I had to use my privilege for good things. Plus, we get paid in benefits instead of cash, so-.”

“Wait.”

“Hm?”

“You don’t get paid cash?”

“No, of course not,” they snorted. “I… well, okay, technically I’m not supposed to share the Woke Agenda with people, but… I trust you, Chlo.”

Chloe stopped biking, and Chaz stopped a few feet ahead. They turned back to see her, mask down, with a jubilant smile.

“You’re going to be stoked when you hear this. Basically, the plan is to abolish capitalism. It’s a racist, ableist, exploitative system, as you’re probably aware. In its place, we implement socialism, and that becomes the groundwork to possibly implement communism in certain states. Not everywhere, it’s only ever worked on a small scale. Try making it too big and political power just becomes the new money. But that’s getting ahead of myself.”

Chloe held their hand (after asking for consent, of course), and looked into their eyes.

“I’d love nothing more than to abolish capitalism with you.”

And for the first time, Chaz pulled down their mask for Chloe and smiled. It was a short lived smile, and the mask went up immediately afterward.

“Sorry, face dysphoria,” they sighed. “It’s the beard. The mask covers it, but… yeah, I hope that wasn’t too offputting.”

“I didn’t mind.”

Even with the mask on, Chaz’s smile shone through.

Notes:

This was actually written before Biden dropped out. Initially, he was going to nominate Buttigieg, before I watched his recent episode on Bill Maher (very entertaining) and found that he had a lot of faith in Biden’s ability to lead. I changed it to Kamala because it makes sense in-universe and is also true to real life.

Chapter 2

Summary:

Chaz and Chloe go out.

Notes:

Writing this chapter at midnight because why not.

(See the end of the chapter for more notes.)

Chapter Text

“Chlo! Over here!”

Chloe stopped her bike, pulled over to the sidewalk, and searched for that familiar voice.

“Regina?”

”Down here!” Regina called. Chloe’s eyes fell upon her and she ran her way.

”I thought you were at your dad’s, what are you doing out and about?”

”He thinks I’m at a friend’s place,” chuckled Regina. “I was just gonna stop by the cat cafe, have some of those biscuits and whatnot. But, um…”

”…but what?”

”I don’t want to cut through the protest on Bushnell Boulevard.”

”There’s a protest on Bushnell? That’s the only route to-! What are they protesting?”

”No clue. From the looks of things, they’re not gonna be stopping any time soon.”

Chloe tugged at her beanie. “Good to know. Um… I guess I’ll see you at school then?”

”See ya.”

”Bye Regina!”

”Bye Chlo!”

The two ran off. Chloe pulled up next to Chaz and hopped back on the bike.

”Who was that?” asked Chaz.

”Just a friend. Her name’s Regina.”

”Neat.”

”But, um, about our date… we might have to have a bit of a change of plans…”

Chaz blinked. “How come?”

”Protests blocking the street. How’s McDonalds sound?”

”Ew, no. I’m boycotting.”

”Okay, how about… Starbucks?”

”That’s also on the list, so no.”

”Dairy Queen?”

”…sounds good to me, you up for it?”

“Yeah I’m up for it!” she beamed.

”You lead the way, then!”

And they rode their bike off into the sunset, except the sun was not setting and it was the middle of the afternoon.

Notes:

New episode sucked.

Chapter 3

Summary:

Chaz and Chloe get ice cream!!!!!!!!!

Notes:

Lowkey don’t remember where I was going with the date plot 😅 but I have Plans nonetheless

Chapter Text

The non-binary barista at Dairy Queen was completely and totally zoinked off a strand of legal medical marijuana. Chloe recognized them from school, which was the only reason they were able to recall their name— seeing as their name tag was conveniently missing.

Chloe waved her right hand in a back and forth motion. “Hello? Earth to Jona, are you there?”

Jona blinked, one eye at a time. “Chloface, ‘s that you…?”

”That’s me. We’re ready to order, by the way.”

”Didn’t realize we’d be getting customers.” Jona’s vocal fry overtook their voice almost entirely.

”What’d you expect, you’re at a Dairy Queen.”

“True, true.”

”…that being said, welcome to help you, how may I take your Dairy Queen?”

Chaz piped up. “Why’s it called Dairy Queen? It’s 2024. We don’t need to enforce the gender binary this staunchly.”

Jona snorted, their nose ring swinging from the air they let out. “Fuck, dude, you’re asking the real questions. Someone’s gotta do something about this.”

”Dude’s too gendered. I ask that you not use that on me.”

”Sorry, uh… fuckin, uh, goober critter.”

Chaz couldn’t contain its laughter, but without a doubt, it was more receptive to goober critter than the alternative. Chloe took the time to browse the menu and pick an item.

”I’ll take the, um… you know what, one medium hazelnut banana shake, with pansexual sprinkles.”

”You want any HRT on that?”

”Nope, none for me… yet. I’m still figuring things out, I’ll come back to you if I have any revelations.”

”Alright. Now, fair warning, uh, the nuts. You allergic?”

”Nope.”

”And you’re not lactose intolerant?”

”I’d never be intolerant,” she said, elbowing Chaz. “Right?”

Chaz shook their head. “Shes the most tolerant person I know.”

Chloe held her chin up high, to which Jona replied with a thumbs up. Chaz cleared their throat.

”I’ll have a medium rocky road malt, please. Topped with vegan whipped cream, rainbow colored, because obviously. Make sure the ingredients are from a small local business. Oh, and for the hormones, I’d like a 60-40 split of E and T, you’ve gotta mix it together like a cocktail. No nuts, I don’t need any more of those. And paper straws only.”

Beeping echoed through the store as Jona inputted the values. Not a word was spoken as they printed out a receipt.

”Your order number is 657, I think. And you, uh, you… holy shit, do you think… that crabs… and, uh, and lobsters, do you think they know each other?”

And Jona just kept rambling.

Wising up to the reality of the situation, Chloe and Chaz chose to take their seats.

Notes:

I’m cis so I hope I wrote Chaz okay 😅 I did try to tow the line between leftist caricature and actual left-leaning beliefs with it as best I could.

Also this isn’t relevant to the story but I couldn’t find much info on which state the show takes place in, even in early drafts and comics. I’ve seen some mentions of Chaz being from Seattle and other mentions of Chaz being from Portland (which Portland they’re from is never specified), but the only info about Norm’s town I could find is that it’s a small town. If anyone could help, that’d be great. Thanks <3