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Chapter Text

It had been 25 years since the events of the ground breaking piece of litterature “Do You Want To Explode” so its time for a recap:...........

(Immediately) After the events of Do You Want To Explode (part 1)(one)(after they had defeated Untimely-Demise "Demi" Mary Twilight Dementia Sue Ebony Starslayer and all)...

Alvin Edward Arthur Jame's Goodman The Chipmunk Who Is Still Not Alvin The Chipmunk Despite Still Being A Chipmunk Who Happens To Be Named Alvin A Bit Like How Alvin The Chipmunk Is Also A Chipmunk Who Is Named Alvin went back to do his own thing because if you had paid attention to the first book (GO READ IF YOU HAVENT) you would know that he is naturally half Lawyer (his father is Saul goodman) and so he has a job as a lawyer and he had to do it so he could get money and pay his taxes.

Nepeta Arsenic Catnip Homestuck Rogue Of Heart Leijon 2009 had decided to go frolic and to go roam the earth and to be all silly and whimsical and to steal people's souls to her heart(geddit?)'s content and maybe pay taxes every once in a while if she wanted to

And last but not least (and by not least here what I mean by not least is that this is the most important part so pay attention) Y/N and Nefario got MARRIED!!!! whicj immediately made them want to have a child and so they started screwing eachother (shagging) and nine (nine)(9) months later Y/N GAVE BIRTH TO A BABY!!!!!!!!!

“.” he said.

“HIS FIRST WORDS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!” Y/N shed a trademark tear (she had found a job as a Profesionnal Tear Shedder which meant that now every time she shed a tear she was paid 1 million dollars [$s] and therefore was now rich and could pay child support and taxes)

the bapy was beautiful he had hetrochromic eyes (pink and blue like his mother's hair)

“what do we name him...” thoughtfully said Nefario thoughtfully.

Y n shed a tear and said:7

“we'll call him.........”

she paused for DRAMATIC EFFECT and nefario stood there patiently waiting for her to say what they'll call him

“Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Cardiomyopathy Melpomene Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Kokoro Felonius Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite Jame'2 Nefario“

They both shed tears.

Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Cardiomyopathy Melpomene Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Kokoro Felonius Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite Jame'2 Nefario's life had begun

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It was dark but it was mostly because it was always dark in the place where starclan lives.

Cats were frolicking around and being whimsical and blissfully unaware of the threat of impending doom. Except one of them. Yellowfang knew.

She stared at them from a distance thinking "if only they knew what awaits them..." and shed a tear.

Yellowfang whipped out her newly acquired ACER Nitro 5 (its an emo computer look it up)(like its all black and red and emo) and opened it, opened PROTON MAIL and started writing an Afterlife-Email to GOD HIMSELF. she shed a tear over how insanely dramatic the situation was.

The email read:

"Dear God (geddit?), i have recently discovered that the Despicable Me universe has inexplicably collided with ours (and by ours i mean the Warrior Cats universe). Now this would normally not be that bad but the thing is i got a prophecy (because i'm a medicine cat i'm Yellowfang warrior cats). GOFFIKCLAN IS ON THEIR WAY TO THE DESPICABLE ME UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!! Warn Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Cardiomyopathy Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Kokoro Felonius Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite Jame'2 Nefario!!!!!!! and send your son too. They are the only ones who can save the universe from the (xtremely scray) threat of goffikclan.

- signed Yellowfang from warrior cats"

then she added in some really cool gifs to emphasise her point and then she hit send and closed her ACER Nitro 5 and looked sadly into the distance in a really dramatic way.

and then, of course, she shed a tear.

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God was standing inside an IKEA. There are IKEAs in heaven because it's heaven and would it really be heaven if it didn't have IKEAs no sir i don't think it would.

He was currently waiting in line in the IKEA restaurant because the IKEA restaurant is fucking awesome like it's the best restaurant ever it's awesome. He was getting meatballs obviously god i love IKEA meatballs they're the best meatballs ever.

Me and Your Dad were in line as well, remember, from the first book? Now we were married as the first book mentions. We were in heaven because we died in the first book in case you didn't remember.

As God was waiting in line to get IKEA meatballs (seriously the ikea meatballs are amazing. one time i went to ikea solely to go eat these god damn meatballs because they were so good) he got a notification that said that he had received an email and so he was like "holy (geddit?) shit an email"

He whipped out his heaven phone and read the email. If you want to read what the email said then you can scroll down to the end of this chapter and click the button that says "<- Previous Chapter" and read the bit in italics from said previous chapter.

After reading the email God said:

"Holy shit!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Goffik clan is coming!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (he shed a tear)(i would have shed a tear too in this situation) Jesus! can you come over real quick?"

Since it was heaven and heaven is awesome Jesus heard him even if he was kilometers away from his location and he came over in less than 5 minutes because public transports are amazing in heaven because it's heaven

"hi" said jesus

"There is a man on earth whose name is Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Cardiomyopathy Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Thesaurus Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Kokoro Felonius Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite Jame'2 Nefario. Go down to Earth and warn him that Goffikclan is coming"

"got it! o7" said Jesus and on these words he promptly left and took the bus again (good public transports in heaven remember) and the bus took him to the nearest place that had a gateway to Earth in less than 5 minutes because the public transports were good in heaven, and so, in 10 minutes approximately, Jesus was on Earth.

Chapter Text

25 years after the end of the first chapter (which was more of a prologue, really) in which he was born and a few minutes after chapter 3, Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Cardiomyopathy Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Thesaurus Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Kokoro Felonius Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite Jame'2 Nefario was standing in line to get IKEA meatballs at IKEA as well, except he was on earth so it was taking a lot longer.

It was taking really long so he whipped out his phone and started watching family guy clips with subway surfers gameplay but then he got bored of that too and gave up.

Then all of a sudden.....................................................................................................................................................................................................................................

"Hey are you Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Thesaurus Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Kokoro Felonius Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite Jame'2 Nefario?" said a voice behind him.

It was........................JESUS CHRIST FROM THE BIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Yeah?" Said Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Thesaurus Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Kokoro Felonius Proton Pump Inhibitor Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite Jame'2 Nefario who we will mostly be calling just Jonathan from now on if that's okay.

"I'm Jesus Christ," said Jesus Christ, "My father God from the Bible sent me here, he says there's something I have to tell you."

"What is it" said Jonathan, preparing himself to shed a tear.

"He says......................" Jesus shed a tear because even if he was jesus he wasn't immune to shedding tears either i mean god isn't so why would jesus be "...GOFFIK CLAN IS COMING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They're cats but they're GOFFIK and EVIL and we have to stop them or else they'll DESTROY THE UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Zamn....." said Jonathan, shedding a tear hereditarily. "We should warn my parents. My mother Y/N is the only person I know who could possibly help with that."

"I agree" said Jesus

And one these words they HELD HANDS and walked to the nearest bus stop.

Earth's public transports weren't nearly as great as Heaven's so it took them an hour to get there. An hour during which plenty of family guy clips and subway surfers gameplay videos were watched.

Chapter Text

While they were on the bus Jesus Christ From The Bible was looking at Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Thesaurus Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Kokoro Felonius Proton Pump Inhibitor Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite Jame'2 Nefario because i the author need an excuse to describe what he looks like.

As was previously mentioned, he had GORGEOUS heterochromia'ed eyes that were blue and pink like his mother's hair. Speaking of hair his was GORGEOUS and it could CHANGE COLOUR (it was currently blue). He was wearing clothes similar to what minions wear because he was 1 quarter minion (Y/N is half minion remember) and wanted to honour all of the minions who died during the battle against Untimely-Demise "Demi" Mary Twilight Dementia Sue Ebony Starslayer (Demi for short) 25 years ago during the original Do You Want To Explode that this is a sequel to.

"Wow you're GORGEOUS" said Jesus because it was an objective fact that Jonathan was GORGEOUS.

"Thank you Jesus" said Jonathan.

The bus FINALLY (shitty earth public transports remember) stopped.

"Gee, golly, gosh, gloriosky," thought Jonathan Nefario as he stepped out of the bus.

Jesus and Jonathan (i just noticed their names start with the same letter isnt that a wacky coincidence) walked through the street. They saw dogs walking down the street.

One of them had medium lenghth ebony black fur and didn't have eyes but they couldn't tell that he didn't have eyes because his fur (which was is dyed a goffik red w/ ourple stripz) covered where they should have been. He wasn't a vampire but he had fangz... he was wearing a pup acadermy unifrom with da blue tie bcz he was a growler but the tie had red stirpes on it like blood he was also  wearing his black dog collar with plack spites on it and his matching ristbandz with also with blapck spikes on them too also as well. the cullar was what the tag dhat lets u go into the fire hidrants to go 2 pup academly was attached to. he had his pirceing on his nose & he had his earrings one one ear he had 3 sumple herrings & on da other he had one cross earign and one pintegram one.

There was another one who had long enoby black hair with capricorn ourouple streks in it, she wore a black t shirt with an ourple tie and a spiked collar, a black miniskirt with black fishnets and black pruple platform boots (WITHOUT joel written all over them because gallows callibrator is for PREPZ). she had black armwarmers with buckles on them and long black acrylic clawz and exactly 3 piercings in each ear. she wore black eyeliner with black eyeshadow around her eyes two look more deader.

They were both so goffikxxx666 but fortunately they had no relation to Goffikclan.

"READ THE BROKEN HEARTED DUOLOGY OR UR A BUNCH OF PREPZZZ666XXX!!" they said to Jesus and Jonathan before howling at the moon even thought it was day time and walking away into some fire hydrants and disappearing.

"That was strange." Said Jonathan.

"Yeah my father had a talk with one of these things one time," said Jesus. "She said she hated it in heaven and 'saw the errors in her ways' so she begged him to put her back so she could have a second chance at life as a goth or something like that."

"Zamn" said Jonathan. "Holy shit we're there!!!!!!!!!!"

They stepped onto the front yard and Jonathan whipped out his keys and opened the door and to his surprise......

HIS PARENTS WERE DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Their corpses were all b'loody and on the floor and they were DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Jonathan shed a tear.

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"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" sad (geddit?) Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Thesaurus Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Kokoro Felonius Proton Pump Inhibitor Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite Jame'2 Nefario shedding a hereditary tear

Jesus Christ shed a tear as well because Jonathan You Get The Point By Now Nefario was crying and that was very sad so he got sad too because the situation was sad.

"It's okay they're in Heaven" said Jesus because he was Jesus.

"Yeah" said Jonathan "Probably..."

He realised that since his mother Y/N was god tier (she was the Muse of Life) that meant her death had been either heroic or just or else she would have come back to life.

"She must have died protecting him...." Said Jonathan shedding a tear and then another one. He looked dramatically into the distance which wasn't very far because they were indoors.

"We have..." said Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Thesaurus Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Kokoro Felonius Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite Jame'2 Nefario all of a sudden........... "We have to find out who did it..."

He shed another tear because the chapter was really short.

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Thus Jesus Christ and Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Thesaurus Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Kokoro Felonius Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite Jame'2 Nefario began to investigate on the latter's parent's death's while both sobbing really hard and shedding terezis left and right from their eyes because that's where people typically tend to cry from.

They looked around the house several times over for several hours straight but to no avail: they had to call someone else to investigate in their place because they weren't professional detectives so what the hell were they expecting you know what i mean????

.............................................................................................................................

MEANWHILE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I would have made those separate chapters but the first part is way too fucking short

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Dex Dogtective from the hit movie Foodfight 2012 was standing in the middle of the street and he was quite confused, really.

A minute ago he's been macking out passively (Passively in the My Immortal sense and macking out in the Broken Hearted Duology sense) with Sunshine Goodness from Foodfight 2012 while Daredevil Dan from foodfight 2012 was doing Daredevilish Dan-ey things and now he (Dex Dogtective Foodfight 2012) was finding himself in a world of much more decent looking (it had 4 more million dollars in its budget than Foodfight 2012 had) animation... he was in... THE DESPICABLE ME UNIVERSE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He had no idea how he ended up here and the reason why wasn't plot relevant so he didn't wonder what it was.

He walked down the street for an hour or so.

The people were so.... Not-horrible looking..... It was startling for Dex Dogtective who was used to humans looking near-Goat Story levels of horrible. He ate a raisin to get some sense of familiarity because he was Dex Dogtective and he ate raisins even if raisins are poisonous to dogs so he shouldn't be eating raisins in the first place but he did it anyway because he was Dex Dogtective and Dex Dogtective eats raisins for some reason.

Eventually he stumbled upon a house that had the door open because the people who were inside hadn't closed it because they were in shock and also because of plot convenience and there was two people inside and they were mourning.

One of them was.............. JESUS CHRIST FROM THE BIBLE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and the other was some guy who had black and red hair (he could change the colour of his hair but right now it was black and red because he was depressed)

"Are you guys okay?" Asked Dex Dogtective Foodfight 2012

"NO!!!" said the broken sad man who was sad and broken and depressed "My parents are dead" His hair turned completely black because he was really sad.

"Well I'm a detective," said Dex Dogtective "That's how I got my name. My name's Dex Dogtective by the way. If you hire me to figure out who killed your parents then maybe I can try to help figure out who killed your parents or something like that."

Jesus shed a tear and Jonathan said "YESS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!111 PLEASE." he added: "My name's Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Thesaurus Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite Jame'2 Nefario by the way. I'm not sure why."

"Okay I'll do it." He paused and added: "Shit the author looked it up and it turns out you do have to pay detectives because it's a job and i don't know what he was expecting honestly"

"I..." Wept Jonathan... "I don't have anything to pay you with right now...." he broke into tears because he was sad and his hair turned icy blue like the limpid tears he was currently shedding because he was really sad. Maybe he could ask again later once he had something to offer? Like Foodfight 2012 currency or something? I don't know if the Foodfight 2012 universe has its own currency even if I watched the movie like 4 or 5 times because I'm quite deranged actually.

"It's okay..." said Jesus. "I have an offer."

"What is it?" said Dex Dogtective Dex Dogtectivically

"If you do it I'll ask my father (god)(the guy from the bible) to guarantee you go to heaven when you die. Not just Heaven 2: Heaven. The good one."

"How do I know you're real" said Dex Dogtective who i remembered halfway through writing Jesus's last line that the end of the movie states is jewish and i don't know shit about religion but i'm pretty sure they don't believe in Jesus (i don't either i put him in the fic because i thought it was funny)

"I am real in this specific universe for some unexplicable reason" reassured Jesus.

"Okay fine" said Dex Dogtective even Dexierly Dogectivically and then he ate a raisin because he was Dex Dogtective.

On these words Jesus and Jonathan walked out of the house to let Dex Dogtective do the investigation because he was Dex Dogtective and he was a detective and that's how he got his name and they went to IKEA but not to buy anything because they didn't have any money to buy anything with if you remember correctly from earlier in the chapter.

They just went there to visit.

Chapter Text

While he and Jesus visited IKEA, unable to buy anything because they had no money, Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Thesaurus Picheal Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 Nefario decided to recount his life story:

"I was born at the age of 0," he said "My parents were Y/N from Do You Want To Explode and Dr. Joseph Albert Nefario from Despicable Me. They did it passively and 9 months later, as I've previously mentioned, at the age of 0, i was given birth to and thus I was born. I was bullied through kindergarten and school and high school and college (i have 27 degrees i got in college because i graduated) because of my special heterochromiac eyes and my special hair that can change colour." On these words he turned his hair green to demonstrate even thought Jesus had already seen him change his hair colour several times in the previous chapter. He continued:

"But it's okay now. I had 3 cats 4 dogs 57 hamsters and 1 horse in my childhood but they all died when the house caught on fire when i was 12 and I cried for several weeks straight. I also had a younger sister once but she died in the fire as well. Her name was Joanne Life-Expectancie Dracy Jacoba Gnomea Cardiomyopathaigh Lawrence Karkette-ette Melpomenette Scrimblette Lefta Anteria Descendette Artera Windows Elevenette Jimothea Simone The'odora The Explorer Optica Nervette Thesauriella Picheala Maxima Birchette Variationa On A Cloud Ligma Arlene Solluxandra Kakara Felonia Protonia Pumpia Inhibitrix Hawaiia Part II Daybreakia Plan Narnia From Outer Spacette Gamerette: Super Monster (Girl) Pentacthulquaditerateline Dovesprite KYLAGUTZ Jame'2ina Nefario and I miss her dearly every day. She looked just like me but her hair could only change colours between different shades of pink because she was a girl. Once I got lost in a supermarket for 15 minutes when i was 6 and I cried. I watched Manos: The Hands Of Fate once and I cried. Once when i was 10 I accidentally shoplifted a barbie egg from a store. I put it back but it made me sad and I cried. My childhood friend Timothy Backstoryguy turned out to be a Vriska Did Nothing Wrong person and it made me cry. Then he died. All of this happened before I even turned 13 by the way."

He concluded:

"And now I'm with you and my parents are dead and I am finding my name getting longer and longer by the minute and it's kind of alarming because I don't know why that's happening. But it's okay."

And then Jonathan and Jesus macked out passively in IKEA and everyone clapped.

Then they came back to the house in shitty earth public transports and Dex Dogtective was there on the doorstep waiting for them looking serious.

"I figured out who did it..." said Dex Dogtective.

"Who is it?" asked Jesus and Jonathan who were HOLDING HANDS.

"It was......" said Dex Dogtective dramatically in a My Immortal way, "........................................GOFFIK CLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

That's when Goffikclan showed up.

Chapter Text

FLASH BAC SEQUENS.... GOFICLAN'Z PEE OH VEE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XXX666

there wuz a gatharing and the both the the clanz the (Geddit "the the" like The the eye creaturz???????? Yuo know da movi....) the were there.

goffikclan wuz der.

Da leader of Goffikclan was Deathstar (SART WARZ NO LAWSUTE PLZZZ!!!!XXX666).

Deathstar wuz a enoby klack she cat who was so plack that the hex code 4 her fur wuz actully #000000 in real life. She had long enoby blapc hair the tip of witch (geddit witch like hary porter witch my imortel is a fnanfick of?????) She was so goffik that she had horns n spicks down her back even tho she was a car. She wore a red spicked coller with white spicks and her eyes were icy yellow like limpid pee.

Tha deputy was Gorestrike.

Gorstrick was a black but not as plabck as Dathstar tom (Geddit like Tom the guy I LOV U TOMB!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!) who had purble hair with red tipz and purbel eyez and he had one long strand of hare that was red w/ ourple stripz. He wor a bandenar that wuz plack wiff red sirpes.

Da medicin cat was Caliginousmassacre and she was SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO goffik! She was a pure black she cart with pale white pawz and a pale white tip of her tale and a pale white face with eniby clack hair that coverd half of it and on her eye you cold see she wuz wering BLACK eyelinar and BLACK eyeshadow because she was goffik and her eyes were goffik red and she had a cross on her chest that was white bclawz (geddit?) she was goffik.

She had a fulyl grown apprentice but we dot tlack about him because HE WAS A POSER!!!!!!!!!

Tjhere wuz one wariror in Goffikclan apart frum da leder nd da deputie and da medicrine car and the posery medicne cat apprentic and she was named Bufyrox and she was blac and blonde becuz bufy is blode in bufy The vamprie sayler and BUFY ROX!!!111 Bufyrox (the she cat) wuz also wearing a red collar with a red pintogramme on it dat looked like a pintacle but upsid down bcuz it was a pantigram

The unnamed not intruduced so far medine cat aprantic was brooding in da corner goffically but he wasnt gofik we was a poser

"🌸 Welcome to the gathering~~~ 🌸🌸🌸" said the leader of da other clam...

Da other clan was............................. PREPCLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Da leader of Prepclan was Jaystar (geddit jay becus jayz are corvidz like ravens (like raven from my immortal) and crows (!!!HI CR) but thyere not goffik like other covrids) and she was a blu she cat (geddit like a blue jay?) who was glittery & blue and with blue eysz and she was wering sum winged eyeliner (geddit winged like a brid?)

The depury of Pripclam was Glittertail.

Undertale was a prupel cat she cat with glitter all over her fur that was all glitery and locked lik she wuz mad out of glitter and her eyz wer shiny lik gliter.

Da mecide cart of Prapcland was 💅💋💞💄👜🎀🌸💐heart.

💅💋💞💄👜🎀🌸💐heart wuz a PINK!111 she cat and she had olue eyeshadow but when she wrote eyeshadow she spelt it eyesh*d*w becuz she wasunt goffik bcz she was a prep.

Prepclan had no medicine cat apprentice becuz they sucked but they had 3 (three) warors

Pinkpelt was a tomp whp was pinck all over his fur was pink (thats how he got his name) his eyz wer pink and evin his scalerias wer pink but it wasnt bcus he was sick or anythign it was becus he was a prep and he was pink (thats how he got his name) and his clawz were pink too and everything about him was pink becuse he was cald pinkpelt

Blondefeather was a she cat who was blonde. She had long fack eyelishes and pinc lipsic and blue eys but her blue eyes despit being blue werent icy nor like limpid tearz becuase she was a prep

Lasltly Edsheeranclaw wus a ORMAGE tobm ad he was GINGERRRR EWWWWW and he listnd to preppy music like Shap of U and was orange and ginger and named ed sheeran claw

It was a ful moon bcuz it wus da only tim that the moon was brit enuf 2 C everything & every1one. All da catz were sitng on da ground exept Deathstar and Jaystar bcuz they were da leaderz and they wer stnding on sum rox (geddit like bufy?)

It wuz tim 2 strat da meeting

Chapter Text

Da meting had strated (B.T.W. DIS IS STIL IN GOFFIKLAN PONT OF VIÜE)

"we hav verry omprotant things 2 DISCASS!!!!!!!!!!!!" sad (geddit?) Deathstar goffikally.

"Yes." agreed Jaystar who was namd after the 1 non goffik carvid

"weve had ENUFF OF U PREPZ!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Deathstar roared.

"YEAH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HAT PREPZ" roared da rest of goffiklan even da poser medicine cat apprentice which was suprising conisdaring da fact he was a pozear

"Wtf!!!!" said Bufyrox "i thot u wer a pozer this is such a Surprise! Geddit like Buffy the Vampire Slayer Seasson 2 Episod 13??? to hear."

"Yeah." said not sad because he was a POSER the medicine cat apprentic "I'm a goth too. Shockers I know." He was being sarcasm during dat last sentance

"Shut da fuk up Jolepaw" advised Gorestrike helpfully and da mecidien cat apprentic (whom this was adressd 2) followed his advice becus he had nothing better 2 do.

Joelpaw was a darck grey and black tom with black paws that looked just like platform bootz with JOEL written all over them (that's how he got his name) and he had libra blue (geddit because GC) eyes and wore red eye liner and his face was pale white because he was goffik. OR SO HE THOUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! IN RAEALITY HE WAS......... A POSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Anawyas." said Gorestrick 2 Darth star. "Coctinue wut u wer sayçgn."

All the goffik catz looked at da leaderz.

Gorestriek looked at da leaderz and smriked goffikly.

Caliganousmassicer did sa Sam thing. Sometims she recievd prophciez becus she was a medicine cat so Bufyrox called her Prophecy Girl like the season 1 Fionale of Bufy da vamiper slayar (Da 1 wher bufy diez 4 da frist tim)

Joelpaw was unintrested and didnant lock at da leader becus he was a poser

The reason the rest of goffiklan called Joelpaw a poser was becus HES BLACK PAWZ (like blac platform bootz) HAD JOEL WRITTEN ALL OVER THEM! AND GC (gallows calibrator) IS SUUUCH A PREPPY BAND! How cold he be a true goff if he listend to THAT. granted they were ignoring the fact that he was just born like that and that none of them had ever actually heard him listen to gc but he HAD to be a poser... 666xxx

"Anyways." said Jaystar "We preps have had enough of you goths... Goffz as well."

"2DAY IS FIONALLY TIM 2 DECKID WHO LEAVEZ DA FOREST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" roared Deathstar.

they had com up with an agrement last gatharing on how to settle the sitaution.

They pkayd rock paper sisorz. Da lozer & der clam wold be da one 2 leave da forest forevar

3

2

1 they sad (geddit?)

Jaystar had don sissorz....... AND DEATHSTAR HAD DOND PAPER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Chapter Text

Chapter Text

There was a knock on the door and it sounded hyper realistic.

The three of them (Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal Maximus BirchVariations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 Nefario from this story, Jesus Christ from the Bible, and Dex Dogtective from Foodfight 2012) debated on who should open the door and Dex Dogtective ended up being the one who did it.

He opened the door and behind the door were........................ GOFFICKLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! and then thye............ THEY KILLE D HIM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  Dex Doctective................ WAS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Your next..." said one of the cats. It was....................... Deathstar! and she was smirking evilly and her clawz were out and they were hyper realistic and had blood on them and the blood was also hyper realistic which was very scary

"NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Jonathan Nefario and Jesus Christ in unison because Dex Dogtective............................. WAS DEAD!!!!!!!

Goffikclan had killed him!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! They had killed him and he DIED!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! because they cut him open and all his organs came out like how scrouge did when he killed tigerstar in warrior cats when he cut him open and his organs came out and he died they did this to him (dex dogtective)

He now had hyper realistic eyes that were bleeding hyper realistic blood and Death Star had carved something on his head and the something was a sentence and the sentence was "YOUR NEXT" which was xtremely scray because she used the wrong your. Then jesus asked: "THEN WHO WAS PHONE?!,??!,??!,??!,??!,??!,??!,??!,??!,??!,?" and Jonathan who didnt know who was phone and had more urgent things to do grabbed jesus by the arm and his hair truned red because Red Is Heroic and he started running away from Goffikclan.

"Dont worry babygirl" said Jonathan to Jesus Christ smirking sexily and then jesus also smirked sexily: "i know where well be safe"

Chapter Text

Still holding Jesus Christ's hand Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 Nefario ran and ran and ran and ran more and he arrived to...... IKEA!!!!!!!!!!!!

He and Jesus ran into the ikea and went to hide in the ball pit. They were hidden.

"Whatever will we do!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!???????????????" asked Jesus Christ from the bible.

As an answer Jonathan stood up (he had been sitting while in the ball pit for optimal hidden ness) and started to say a magic spell that was magic like a wizard like my immortal.

"What are you doing?" asked Jesus because he didnt know what he was doing

"My parents are dead," he said, "so I'm summoning my mother's old friends. If they managed to help her defeat Untimely-Demise "Demi" Mary Twilight Dementia Sue Ebony Starslayer then they'll surely be able to defeat Goffikclan! tHat's what the magic spell is for Lmao"

As he said that........... two people materialised in the ikea ball pit with them!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

but........ IT WASN'T ALVIN EDWARD ARTHUR JAME'S GOODMAN AND NEPETA HOMESTUCK LEIJON!!!!!!!!! IT WAS......

Chapter Text

CAPTOR 14 (4teen): IN GOFFIKCLANZ' P. O. V. (authors not it stands 4 point of view lol)

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"evil laugh" evil laughed Gorestrike evilly in an evil goffik way and sirked evilly in a goffik evil way (geddit like gerard way)(MCR ROX!111) because he was evil because he was a goffikclan cat and gofficklan is evil

">:3" eviled Deathstar who was da evilest of them all evilluy

"bufy rox!111" saud Bufyrox evillu

"..." said Joelpaw poserily bcus he was a poser

"SHUT DA FREAK UP JOLPA!" evilled Caliginous Massacre and so Jolepaw sotpted talcing

"Well go to ther hose so when they cum back well be ther &&² we kan will be able  2 KILL THEM! so then after dat we can KILL EVERY ONE ELSE!!1 EVERY SINGEL PERSON ON DIS PLANATE WIL DIE WHEN WE KIL ERYONE AD NO ON WILE CAN DO ANATAHANG ABOUTE IT BCUZ WELL KEELL EVERY 1 (one) AND SO THEY WEILL BE DEAD TOO" evil speeched Deathstar the evil cat evilluy

"Yeah !!!!!" sad (geddit?) everyone excerpt 4 jolpaw (<- poser alert) THE POSER!!!

"WE ARE!! sad" (geddit?" everyone except JOELPAW THE JOSER!!! BECAUSE HE WAS A P*SER WHO WAS !!! NOT !!! GOFFIK!!! (he was a poser)

wait what does this button do

ooh ok cool

"im gong 2 kill them said Gorstric With much cLAWZ & muh FANGz AND ALL  THEY WILL ALL DIE AND BE DEAD WITH BLOOD EVERY WHERE HAHA" Said Gorrstrick who was evil.

"i hope they disinterrgr8 2 dust when they die like vapires a bit like vampries yes... said B"ufyrox dreamingly

"They wont Bufyrox" said Caliginous (like canolous romance from homestuck liek da <3< thing)(geddit becus its based on hate and shes evil)(like da rest of goffikclan)(ecept jolpaw=)(hes a poser) massaker who was da goffikest of dem all apart frum Deathstar da leder.

Debtstar da liter smirked evly (😼)(<- like dis moji)(i just sneezed on my manuscript ew)(yes there is a physical piece of paper with the first draft of this chapter written on it somewhere on earth)

They all howled and she said "WELL CLAW ²& BIT (geddit like bite da guay from potentially unwanted program academy?) THEM 2 DETH AND THEYLL ALL DIE AND BLEED... TO DATH !!!!! AN| THEYN ... THEYL DIE 1!" then she laughed evilly a bit like "mwa ha ha ha ha òwо́"

They holed @ da moone. a random dog walked by and it was black and blood red and evil all over (but less evil than them) and they killed it no miss no dodge 2 demon (geddit?) strate how powarful they were. Except Jolelpw who didint participat bcuz hE WAS A PPPOOOSSSEEERRR !!! 111 XXX 666 ZZZ anyways they all (except Joel "The poser" paw who was a poser.) kilt it evilly.

Then some1 realisd sumth..............

"hey" said bufyrox shockingly with no buffy the vampire slayer reference attached??? "where did Joelpaw go?"

they locked... and...... JOLPAW...............

........................................................................WAS GONE!!!

...

"eh who cares" said death star "hes a poser after all"

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AN: :OOO clic next chmper 2 find out what happenz nex !!! xxx 666 in in in wicgh no 1 actully Xplodz 666xxx

Chapter Text

Ever since Caliginousmassacre had told him to, and I quote, "SHUT DA FREAK UP JOLPA!", Joelpaw had taken advantage of the fact no one was paying attention to him anymore under the presumption (i think that's the word) that (ok i looked it up i was right presumption is a word yes) he was there and just not talking as a natural consequence of him getting told to "SHUT DA FREAK UP"

In reality as soon as they'd stopped paying attention to him he'd quickly absconded the fuck outta there!!! 

Now he was walking towards the former (because they died) place of residence of Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Samsung Galaxy Tab 2Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Club Penguin Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 Nefario's parents.

He had to warn Jonathan Nefario and Jesus Christ.

That's right: Joelpaw wasn't evil... AND HE WASN'T A POSER!

Chapter Text

Meanwhile, not too far away from where the best character in the entire fic (Joelpaw WHO WASN'T A FUCKING POSER FOR FUCK'S SAKE !!!) was currently located, The Good Guys, comprised of main protagonist Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Black Platform Boots With Joel Written All Over Them Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Club Penguin Daybreak Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 Nefario (Son of Y/N and Nefario who HAD JUST FUCKING DIED NOOOOOOOO!!!!), love interest Jesus Christ from the Bible (Son of God from the Bible), Jackdaw Scorpius Killer §hrews Σxxsanguination Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness Яobodog Airborne Vampyre Tim Machine xXx Isle Ün2 Thyself Spike Angel Oz Goodman (Son of Alvin Edward Arthur Jame's Goodman, himself the son of Saul Goodman) and Magpie Geddit Vr*sk* Klaatu Xtreme Awsum And'rew Xander Rupert And'2rew Lothos The Master (The other one too) Leijon (Descendant of Nepeta Leijon, herself descendant of Meulin "The Disciple" Leijon), were headed towards the house of the late Y/N and Nefario, the inhabitants of which were dead which made everyone (especially their son because they were his parents) very very very sad with sadness.

They were all weeping unashamedly (because they were sad) and Jonathan was shedding terezis of blood (because he was really sad). They were also all running in order to get to said house faster which was great because a thing they didn't know was that Goffikclan was also going to be getting there pretty damn soon (tomorrow at 6:66 in the morning because they were evil and goffik) and it was a good thing for them to arrive first.

"hey jonathan! :3" Magpie said all of a sudden while still running towards the house like the others because they were all going to the same place. she wiped he green tears away (she was a leo)

"What?" said Jonathan who was still pretty damn devastated by the fact his parents had just fucking died. he also wiped a tear away but it wasn't green because he wasn't a troll and even if he had been he wasn't a leo

"do mew think your parents souls could still be in the house or in its close purroximity?"

"I beg your pardon?"

"im a sylph of heart :33" said Magpie who was a Sylph of Heart.

"What" said Jonathan who was a Muse ALSO of Heart which isn't very relevant to the story i just like giving characters classpects

"i can heal them back to life," she explained "by putting their souls back into their bodies because im a sylph of heart :33"

"That would be pretty helpful yeah!!!!" said Jonathan "Why didn't you say that sooner?"

"because we met like 5 mewnutes ago you silly billy :33"

"Fairs x" said Jonathan.

They continued running.

Joelpaw also continued running.

Chapter Text

Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Black Platform Boots With Joel Written All Over Them Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Club Penguin Daybreak And Then Everyone Clapped Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 Nefario, Jesus Christ, Jackdaw Scorpius Killer §hrews Σxxsanguination Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness Яobodog Airborne Vampyre Tim Machine xXx Isle Ün2 Thyself Spike Angel Oz Goodman, and Magpie Geddit Vr*sk* Klaatu Xtreme Awsum And'rew Xander Rupert And'2rew Lothos The Master (The other one too) Leijon finally arived at the house of Y/N and Nefario.

The door was still wide open because no one had thought of closing it when they had left the house back in chapter 12 (twelve). All four of them walked in. The corpses were still right there in the middle of the corridor because no one had moved them so Magpie captchalogued them for future resurrection and went to look for their souls all over the house while the others went to the living room... but as they soon discovered... on the table... was a cat............... he was grey and black and white and he had libra blue eyes like limpid terezis and his black paws looked just like black platform boots with Joel written all over them (that's how he got his name) and it was..........

...................... JOELPAW !!!

"HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Jonathan and Jesus and Jackdaw but not Magpie because she was in another room and therefore hadn't seen that Joelpaw was here and had no reason to say "HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

However hearing the others say "HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she decided to go see what they were saying "HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" about and, seeing Joelpaw, said "HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"Do not be afraid," said Joelpaw "I'm not evil like the rest of Goffikclan is."

He paused and then added: "DON'T THINK THAT MEANS I'M A POSER THOUGHT!!!!!!!!!!!" and his claws came out and stuff

Everyone stared at Joelpaw because they were still suspicious that he was probably evil since you know he was part of Goffikclan after all but then, solemnly, he said:

"Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Wizardy Herbert Black Platform Boots With Joel Written All Over Them Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Club Penguin Daybreak And Then Everyone Clapped Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 Nefario. Jesus Christ. Jackdaw Scorpius Killer §hrews Σxxsanguination Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness Яobodog Airborne Vampyre Tim Machine xXx Isle Ün2 Thyself Spike Angel Oz Goodman. Magpie Geddit Vr*sk* Klaatu Xtreme Awsum And'rew Xander Rupert And'2rew Lothos The Master (The other one too) Leijon. You have to listen to me when I say this: I want to help you in your quest to defeat Goffikclan."

"HOLY SHIT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Jonathan and Jesus and Jackdaw and also Magpie because she was in the same room as them now.

"Why do you want to help us..." said Jonathan suspiciously... "Aren't YOU a Goffikclan cat? Aren't you EVIL?"

"Let me explain," said Joelpaw. "You might have noticed that I'm the only Goffikclan cat who talks like a regular sane individual. Why do you think that is?"

"Because you're a poser?" Jesus suggested tentatively. Joelpaw's claws came out.

"I'M NOT A FUCKING POSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he said. His claws came back in. "It's because I wasn't born in Goffikclan (WHICH BY THE WAY DOES NOT MAKE ME A POSER). They adopted me when I very tragically lost the one family member I ever had. I can't reveal by sad backstory yet because I'm keeping it for the end of the fic for dramatic effect. So yeah anyways the reason I'm not evil is also because I wasn't born in Goffikclan. I hope that makes sense."

"But why do you want to help us?????" asked Jonathan again because last time he asked that question he didn't get an answer.

"Because..." Joelpaw finally answered... "I HATE GOFFIKCLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I HATE THEM I HATE ALL OF THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he shed a tear of rage and it was libra blue even if he wasn't a troll (geddit because GC? gallows calibrator? geddit?)

"But..." said Jesus.. "Why DO you hate them?" Joelpaw waited for a second for dramatic effect and then he screamed:

"BECAUSE THEY KEEP BULLYING ME FOR BEING A GC FAN. THEY KEEP CALLING ME A POSER FOR IT. I'M NOT A POSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'M NOT EVEN A GC FAN. THEY'VE BEEN BULLYING ME SINCE I JOINED THE CLAN. IT'S NOT MY FAULT IF I WAS BORN WITH PAWS THAT LOOK JUST LIKE BLACK PLATFORM BOOTS WITH JOEL WRITTEN ALL OVER THEM (that's how i got my name) !!!!!!!!!!!!!" and then he broke into (more) tears

Everyone else shed a tear on his behalf because that made them sad.

Then Joelpaw stopped crying and said "LET'S DEFEAT THE SHIT OUT OF GOFFIKCLAN!!!!!!!!!" and everyone else agreed.

Chapter Text

An hour later Joelpaw was leading the others into Goffikclan's new territory so that they could sneak into Goffikclan's new camp so that they could DEFEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THEM!!!!

They could tell they were getting closer because the landscape was getting more and more goffik. Goffikclan had only settled down in their new territory for not even a day but their goffik energy had already turned the landscape all goffik which is how you knew there was something sinister going on with the cats that lived there.

"We're almost there." said Joelpaw to the others.

Jackdaw Scorpius Killer §hrews Σxxsanguination Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness Яobodog Airborne Vampyre Tim Machine xXx Isle Ün2 Thyself Spike Angel Oz Goodman and Magpie Geddit Vr*sk* Klaatu Xtreme Awsum And'rew Xander Rupert And'2rew Lothos The Master (The other one too) Leijon were looking around the goffik landscape, not feeling very safe here because of how damn goffik the place looked! The grass was BLACK. the trees were BLACK. the sky was DARK GREY BECAUSE IF IT HAD BEEN BLACK THEY WOULD HAVE BEEN IN THE DARK. the clouds were BLACK.

Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Wizardy Herbert Black Platform Boots With Joel Written All Over Them Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Harry Anderson Egbert Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Club Penguin Daybreak And Then Everyone Clapped Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 Nefario and Jesus Christ were macking out passively because they were in love for some reason.

Suddenly some girl who was really goffik leapt out of the goffik dark dark'ness (geddit?) and said "NOT SO FAST!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

She had long ebony black hair (that’s how she got her name) with purple streaks and red tips that reached her mid-back and icy blue eyes like limpid tears and a lot of people told her she looked like Amy Lee (AN: if u don’t know who she is get da hell out of here!). She wasn't related to Gerard Way but she wished she was because she thought he was a major fucking hottie. She was a vampire but her teeth were straight and white. She had pale white skin. She was also a witch, and she went to a magic school called Hogwarts in England where she was in the seventh year (she was seventeen) but that wasn't relevant right now. She was a goth (in case you couldn’t tell) and she wore mostly black. She loved Hot Topic and I bought all her clothes from there. For example today she was wearing a black corset with matching lace around it and a black leather miniskirt, pink fishnets and black combat boots. She was wearing black lipstick, white foundation, black eyeliner and red eye shadow.

It was........... EBONY DARK'NESS DEMENTIA RAVEN WAY!!!!!!!!!!

"Oh shit," said Joelpaw, "it's Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"What" said Jonathan

Joelpaw turned to him and for a bit of exposition he explained that Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way was ally of Goffikclan and that she was guarding the way into the new Goffikclan territory and that to get in they'd have to......... DEFEAT THE SHIT OUT OF HER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

So there was a battle but it wasn't very impressive and it went on for barely about 15 minutes because it wasn't very important to the overall plot and we don't want to overshadow the REAL, FINAL battle do we????

First Joelpaw hissed and his claws came out and he jumped onto Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way and he clawed her and she started bleeding sorry i mean bledding.

But then Ebony did that one spell (the one from harry potter because My Immortal which Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way is from is a fan fiction of it) that makes shit levitate or whatever and levitated Joelpaw away from her and he hit a tree and got knocked out and maybe also got a concussion but it's not important.

Then Jonathan walked up to Ebony and stood right in front of her and rapidly changed his eye colour so her eyes hurt and she had to close them because her eyeballs caught on fire a little bit from having to look at that.

Meanwhile Jackdaw took the opportunity also jumped on her (he was quite small because he was a chipmunk)(and yet he's called Jackdaw. that says a lot about society i think) and bit her with his vampire fangs but it didn't do anything because she was already a vampire.

So then Magpie also tried clawing Ebony but it didn't really do anything because she was just a troll and not an actual cat.

So then as a last resort thing Jesus used his Jesus powers to magically crucify her and since she was a vampire Enoby died and went to hell but it was okay because it made her almost happy to be going to hell because she was goffik but not REALLY happy because she was never happy because she was goffik

Then Joelpaw woke up from being knocked out and they all continued walking in the direction of Goffikclan's territory because this chapter isn't really all that relevant to the story I just wanted Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way to show up.

Chapter Text

They were getting very close to the Goffikclan territory place now. Jesus vaped for a bit (it's a long story and it think it's quite a bit funnier if i don't explain it) and they finally got there after a couple more minutes.

"NOW we're there," commented Joelpaw.

They were standing in front of a wall of bushes that were pitch goffik black (you could even say the bushes were enoby black) and had a lot of thorns on them because the bushes were goffik and evil. The bushes (well the thorns, mostly, if we're being specific) were what protected Goffikclan's camp from the outside world. Even if Goffikclan didn't really need protection against anything or anyone at all, really, since they were ALL EVIL AND ALL POWERFUL it was nice to keep random people from getting in out of curiosity: If they managed to sneak in they killed them anyways but it would get annoying really quick to have to kill all these people all the time and so the bushes were still very much appreciated. Really, the thorns protected the rest of the world from Goffikclan, if anything.

There was an entrance in the bushes however (i mean of course there was it's kind of obvious), but as it happened, it was presently guarded.

"ENEMIES!!!!!!!!" said the guard guarding the entrance and then she giggled evilly and added (evilly): "(geddit like season 3 episode 17 of bufy tha vapire saler?)"

It was........ BUFYROX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (i mean it's kind of obvious it was Bufyrox, who else were you expecting?)

"Bufyrox.............." said Joelpaw derogatorily. (I forgot to add a full stop at the end of this sentence when I wrote the first draft.)

Bufyrox ignored him and turned to Jonathan Jesus Jackdaw and Magpie. I'm realising Magpie is the only one in the group whose name doesn't star in J. The whole J thing was a complete coincidence by the way.

"so," she said "i see yuove ventured Into the Woods (geddit luike Sesson 5 Episote 10 of buffay da vompire salyr???) with da intention of sneecking in2 da camp huh???"

"Yes, Bufyrox." said Joelpaw

Bufyrox's claws came out and she looked at the others again.

"be4 i cull u... tell me Xactly... Who Are You? (GEDDIT LIKE SEASON 4 EPISODE 16 OF BUFY DA VAMPIYRE SLAYEAR??? DO U GEDDIT?)"

"I'm Jesus Christ from the Bible" said Jesus Christ from the Bible who was Jesus Christ from the Bible.

"ok..." said Bufyrox who was Bufyrox from Goffikclan and who didn't really like Jesus because she was goffik

"I'm Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Wizardy Herbert Black Platform Boots With Joel Written All Over Them Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Harry Anderson Egbert Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Club Penguin Daybreak And Then Everyone Clapped Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 The Mayor (The other one too) Nefario", Jonathan said, "and he's Jackdaw Scorpius Killer §hrews Σxxsanguination Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness Яobodog Airborne Vampyre Tim Machine xXx Isle Ün2 Thyself Spike Angel Oz Goodman and she's Magpie Geddit Vr*sk* Klaatu Xtreme Awsum And'rew Xander Rupert And'2rew Lothos The Master (The other one too) Leijon."

Bufyrox gasped.

"did..." she said "... did yuo saiy jonathin liff expensy dracko jackob nomio cariomipathy laurenc karkata wizerdly herbit klack platofm bootz w/ jol writen all over them sandung lagaxt tab ii ùelpomene sckimble left anterior descenting ar ter y windowxs eleven jimothy simond the'odor popic nerve midal name pinbol tesuris pickle jone ross david jad jan rocksy dick jac maxamis bitch variaton on a clud ligmer garfild sulixandre cokoro felinous wattpad harry anderson gebert protpn pup (potentioanlly unvwanted porgram) whawai part 2 club pingun daybrek & den evry1 klapd plan nine from outer spac gamry supor monsrer pentaculquaetc davrpirte kilgutz jamse THE MAYOR (da other 1 2) nefario jak doe's corpius killar shrewzzz666xxx exxx666xxxsanguination sessquipalian loquacisness robosog air borne vampire tim macin xxx666xxx666xxx inlse un2 thyself SPIKE ANGEL OZ goodman and magpy geddit (geddit?) vriscunt klatu extreme awesome andrew XANDER RUPERT AND'2REW LOTHOS THE MASTER (da other 1 2) leo??????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????????"

She fainted.

They walked into the camp.

Chapter Text

And so at last, Jackdaw Scorpius Killer §hrews Σxxsanguination Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness Яobodog Airborne Vampyre Tim Machine xXx Isle Ün2 Thyself Spike Angel Oz Goodman, Magpie Geddit Vr*sk* Klaatu Xtreme Awsum And'rew Xander Rupert And'2rew Lothos The Master (The other one too) Leijon, Jesus, Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Wizardy Herbert Black Platform Boots With Joel Written All Over Them Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 LPS Popular Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Harry Anderson Egbert Proton Pump Inhibitor Hawaii Part II Club Penguin Daybreak And Then Everyone Clapped Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 The Mayor (The other one too) Nefario, Jesus and Joelpaw walked into Goffikclan camp for the very final final battle.

Caliginousmassacre, Gorestrike and Deathstar were standing in the camp talking about some EVIL matters when they heard them come in. Caliginousmassacre just casually turned to look at them so Gorestrike who was curious about what she was looking at also turned to look at them and when he saw who it was his evil goffik claws came out and he jumped on them with his evil goffik claws still out so that he could claw them to death but he was grabbed by the tail and thrown back to the other end of the clan by someone. He looked to see who it was.

It was........................ DEATHSTAR!!!!!!!

"e—" he said

"LEEVE THEM 2 ME" said Deathstar evilly looking especially at Jonathan. "itz personal between me & this bitcas mother..."

"BUFY ROX!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1111" EXCLAIMED BUFYROX whom hearing a buffy the vampire slayer reference had just woken up from being fainted

"SHUT THE UP BUFYROX ITS BETWEEN ME AND JONETHAN RNEFARIO"

"lolz jonethan lik jonthen from bufy da vampri slher" said Bufyrox and fell unconscious again

"WE'LL PROTECT YOU!!!!!!!!!" exclaimed Jackdaw and Magpie

And so the final battle began.

Deathstar jumped on Magpie who was the tallest because she wasn't a small chipmunk and started biting her and clawing her so Jackdaw jumped on Deathstar because he was the smallest because he was a small chipmunk (even thought he was also half werewolf and half vampire and half lawyer) and clawed her even thought he was a chipmunk and i don't know how sharp chipmunk claws are but i don't care it's just a shitty joke fic

Deathstar fell off of Magpie and started biting Jackdaw so he turned into a wolf because he was a werewolf and he howled at the moon.

"AWOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO" he said "OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO3"

Then he bit her head to crush her skull with his wolf teeth but she was too powerful and her skull was too hard to be crushed and he turned back into a chipmunk and she picked him up by the tail and threw him onto a rock and he got severe brain damage so now he was unconscious.

Magpie wasn't very special since she was just a regular ass troll so she was like "oh shit" because her powers weren't very useful for fighting so she turned to Jonathan and exclaimed:

"Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Wizardy Herbert Black Platform Boots With Joel Written All Over Them Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 LPS Popular Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Harry Anderson Egbert Proton Pump Inhibitor Barry 63 Hawaii Part II Club Penguin Daybreak And Then Everyone Clapped Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 The Mayor (The other one too) Nefario!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she said. "you're our only hope!! :{"

"What" said Jonathan.

"i said youre our only hope" she repeated redundantly

"Why?" said Jonathan, shedding a tear as his hair turned icy blue like limpid tears because he was sad

"YOUR EVER INCREASING NUMBER OF MIDDLE NAMES IS WHAT MAKES YOU POWERFUL!!!," she said, "THE MORE MIDDLE NAMES SOMEONE HAS THE MOST POWERFUL THEY TEND TO BE. YOU'RE THE ONE OF US WITH THE LONGEST NAME BY FAR!!!!!!! YOU CAN STILL SAVE US!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jonathan wiped his tear away.

"Okay..."

His hair turned black and red.

The battle has resumed.

Chapter Text

Deathstar jumped at Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Wizardy Herbert Black Platform Boots With Joel Written All Over Them Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 LPS Popular Jimothy Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Real Pool 3D 2 2022 Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Harry Anderson Egbert Proton Pump Inhibitor Barry 63 Hawaii Part II Club Penguin Daybreak And Then Everyone Clapped Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 The Mayor (The other one too) Nefario's throat to slit his throat so that he could die once and for all.

He didn't quite understand what she'd meant by, and I quote: "itz personal between me & this bitcas mother..."

Not the misspellings, not the bitca part (bufy rox!!!1), but the fact that Deathstar apparently had personally known his mother. His mother had never told him about Goffikclan, let alone Deathstar. He was quite confused, really. His hair turned red/brown/green/yellow as well as blue/purple (google says those are the colours of confusion)

Deathstar finally landed on him and he pushed her away agaisnt a rock which hurt her a bit but not a lot because she was evil and powerful thought she WAS bleeding all over the place.

"How can you be so powerful if having a bunch of middle names is what makes you powerful, don't you only have one name?"

Deathstar smirked and bled a bunch. It was green. She didn't answer. Instead she said:

"I'M GONG 2 KILL U.... AND YOUR GOING TO DIE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Jonathan got kind of annoyed.

"Couldn't you use the correct your for once? I don't think I've ever heard you NOT get it wrong. It's getting really annoying really fast."

Deathstar did an evil laugh.

"I'm probably more annoyed than most people would be in this situation," Jonathan continued, "it's just because when i was a kid my father kept talking to me about his ex who did the exact same thing all the time and how he broke up with her because he couldn't stand it anymore."

Deathstar did an even eviller laugh because she was evil.

"DONT YOU GEDDIT?????????????????????????????????????? >:3" she said

That's when Jonathan realised who Deathstar really was.

The evilness.

The green blood.

Her persistent usage of the wrong your.

"You..." he said... "you can't possibly be..."

"UNTIMELY DEMISE MARY TWILIGHT DEMENTIA SUE EBONY STARSLAYER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she said... "DEMI FOR SHORT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"But they killed you and took your soul and hid it..."

"I know..." said Deathstar, or, really, Untimely-Demise "Demi" Mary Twilight Dementia Sue Ebony Starslayer, as that's who she really was.

Jesus Christ from the bible who had been pretty irrelevant in this whole final battle thing so far tried to help by taking Demi by surprise by sneaking up behind her and using his Jesus crucifixion magic against her but she broke the cross in half with her evil powers.

"You're powerz are usenles abgaisnt me...3" said Demi as some of the bits of cross fell on Jesus's head and he fainted.

Demi turned to Jonathan. "Itz just u & me Jonithan" she said to Jonathan.

He thought about it for a bit.

"Okay yeah my mother did kill you so fairs x" said Jonathan

And so the battle resumed once more.

He kicked her into the air because he didn't really have powers and that was all he could do, really.

"So," he said calmly his hair turning some calm colour like salmon or something, "how'd you come back to life?"

"simpel" said Demi mid-air "be4 getting here we decided 2 go 2 france 4 a bit and that's where Deathstar found da tik tak bocks dat Neopet had put my saul in2 & so it posessed her body and I CAME BACKFK!!!" She finally landed after an unrealistically long amount of time spent mid-air.

"Now why on earth would you want to go to FRANCE on your own accord???????????" he said horrified.

"Because we're EVIL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" she answered which was both very true and decently reasonable.

"Fairs x" he said as she came back to claw his eyes out.

"So is there still a bit of the original Deathstar left in you, or?" said Jonathan still oddly calmly. "Or was Deathstar never really a thing in the first place, that's a possibility too I suppose."

"there is a bit of her left in me" she said "yeah"

She landed on his head and her claws came out as she prepared to, as was previously mentioned, claw his eyes out. He picked her up and threw her across the camp.

"It'z kind of anoying beign a car and all" she admitted "i dot havr all da powerz i usd 2"

She ran back to where he was. "but itz ok i still hav quit a few lolz >:3"

And on these words her old body's wings sprouted out of her new cat body's back and she flew into the air.

"You know it wasn't very nice of you to kill my parents." said Jonathan.

"yuoll never guess hwos next lolz" she said descending upon him

"What." he said. She smirked evilly.

"YOUR NEXT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

And so she killed him and he died.

Chapter Text

"Hey that wasn't very nice of you" said Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Wizardy Herbert Black Platform Boots With Joel Written All Over Them Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 LPS Popular Jimothy Chapter 22 Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Real Pool 3D 2 2022 Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Harry Anderson Egbert Proton Pump Inhibitor Barry 63 Hawaii Part II Club Penguin Daybreak And Then Everyone Clapped Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 The Mayor (The other one too) Nefario after ascending to God Tier and coming back.

"OH GOD DAMN IT" SAID DEMI "I HTOGHT I JUST KILD YO"

"Yeah well for some reason in this universe ascending to God Tier is ridiculously easy. You should know, you've done it too, remember?" said the Muse of Heart to the Lord of Doom.

In the background the Prince of Mind woke up a little. He still had severe brain damage. I just had to look up "can chipmunks survive brain damage" for this. I think they can. So he was relatively fine.

"well what r u gong 2 do anawyas" said Demi "inspire my sense of self to death??????????????????????????????"

Jonathan was kind of demotivated at this point.

"Yeah honestly this classpect is kind of useless in a fight."

"SO I WIN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" exclaimed Demi triumphantly.

Jonathan supposed she did. He shed a tear and his hair turned blue-grey because blue-grey is a sad colour and he was sad.

"Don't worry," someone said to him suddenly, "Leave it to me. I can defeat her."

Jonathan turned around to see who it was. It was... JOELPAW!!!

"no u canrt!" exclaimed Demi. "you're just a stupid poser!"

Joelpaw's claws came out. "FOR THE LAST TIME I AM NOT A POSER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"whatever" said Demi

"Trust me." said Joelpaw to Jonathan. "I know what to do."

Magpie walked up to him and said:

"before you try to do anything, ill lend you one of my middle names, okay?" she said

"Me too!" said Jackdaw and Jonathan in unison.

They did some magic with the help of Jesus who had just woken up because Jesus was part god so he could do stuff so they did some middle name transferring magic.

And so Joelpaw was given each of their most goffik middle names, and so he was now Joel Xtreme Σxxsanguination KYLEGUTZ Paw (Still Joelpaw for short)

Joel Xtreme Σxxsanguination KYLEGUTZ Paw (Still Joelpaw for short) turned to Untimely-Demise Mary Twilight Dementia Sue Ebony Starslayer (Demi for short)

They had an intense staredown for a solid minute during which Demi's claws slowly came out in anticipation to the moment she was going to claw the shit out of Joelpaw.

No one talked for the entire minute, and then Joelpaw broke the silence:

"I know how you feel," he said, "about Goat Story."

Demi scoffed: "NO ONE KNOWZ HOW I FEEL ABOUT GOAT SOTRY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"But I do." said Joelpaw. "I really do. Trust me when I say this."

"NO" yelled Demi.

"YES" insisted Joelpaw.

"NO" insisted Demi even more.

"AND HOW COULD YOU POSSIBLY KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT GOAT STORY!!!!!!!!"

Joelpaw paused dramatically.

"BECAUSE GOAT STORY KILLED MY GRANDMA OKAY!!!" he yelled.

"I watched Manos: The Hands Of Fate once and I cried." said Jonathan who had already talked about this in chapter 8.

Demi shed a tear.

"how did... goat story kill your grandma..." she asked. "was she watching goat story with or without cheese..."

Joelpaw paused dramatically for the second time and, finally, said:

"...I was the one watching Goat Story..."

Chapter Text

xxx FLASHBACK SEQUENCE !!! xxx <- i put xxx's because he's goffik even thought he wasn't goffik when the events of the flashback happened yet

Joelkit and his unnamed grandmother were the last survivors of Backstoryclan.

There used to be others, so many others. But then some really tragic event that no one actually remembers what it was because it's irrelevant happened, and Joelkit's grandmother and Joelkit's also unnamed mother were the only survivors. That was when Joelkit was born, and that was when his mother died (she died giving birth to him). He'd never known her, he'd only ever known his grandmother. Despite the fact that him and his grandmother were all alone and all the other were dead, they had a pretty happy life. Now Joelkit, who was named this because his paws looked remarkably like black platform boots with JOEL written all over them (No relation to the guy from Good Charlotte, he was just born like this), was about six moons old, just about to be made an apprentice. Or he WOULD be going to be made an apprentice soon if the damn leader of the damn clan was still alive to make him one. But it was okay. Joelkit was happy.

Or, he usually was.

However, right now Joelkit was absolutely mortified.

He'd found a disc on the ground somewhere, and, curious to see what was on it, he'd found a conveniently placed television and DVD player nearby, and now he was watching what was on it.

It was a movie.

It wasn't a very good one.

Joelkit watched in horror as some horrible looking girl with massive fucking tits approached the maybe even more horrible looking main human character.

That's when Joelkit's grandmother walked in.

"Hey Joelki-"

"Would you like......... another nail.......... sir.........................." said the...... THING. on screen.

Joelpaw's grandmother saw it and was so horrified that her soul immediately left her body and ascended to starclan and she fucking died because she just couldn't handle WHATEVER THAT WAS.

"GRANDMA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" cried Joelkit.

She didn't wake up.

"GRANDMA WAKE UP" cried Joelkit even more.

She still didn't wake up....

........................................SHE WAS DEAD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joelkit cried and cried and cried and at this point he was straight up sobbing. Weeping. He cried so much he straight up started shedding terezis of blood. (geddit because Terezi -> gallowsCallibrator -> GC -> Good Charlotte???? geddit????????)

That's when he turned goffik. His claws turned pure black and red eyeliner appeared on him.

He started running away and he ran for so long that he eventually just collapsed.

"hey kid" said a cat who had just snuck up behind him.

"WHO ARE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he yelled because he was sad.

"im Deathstar" said Deathstar. It was................... DEATHSTAR!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"Uh. Hi Deathstar." said Joelkit who was still devastated.

"wana join goffikclna"

Chapter Text

Untimely-Demise "Demi" Mary Twilight Dementia Sue Ebony Starslayer in Deathstar's body shed a tear. She was moved by Joelpaw's story. Joelpaw shed a tear too because the mere act of telling her his backstory made him sad because he had a really sad backstory.

In fact the entire clan was in tears, mourning Joelpaw's Unnamed Grandmother.

"gyus...3" said Gorestrike, "i dont think i want 2 b evile nymore..." and then he broke into even more tears

"whatz wring" asked Caliginousmassacre.

"i dont know if i can still be goffik if  im not evil anymor..." said Gorestrike.

"it'z ok" said Bufyrox. "we kan be goffik withot being Villains (geddit like Buffy The Vampire Slayer S 6 E 20)"

"yuore right...." pondered Gorestrike and he smiled but not in an evil way. "ok thats it im not evil anymor. i feel lik A New Man"

"i geddit" said Bufyrox. "lik Buffi the Vamper Slayear Sesn 4 Epode 12 whic fun fackt is da frist bufy da bampire slayer episode da author of dis fick ever watchd btw also i think he was 11 or maybe 12"

"wow col i didnt no dat" said Caliginousmassacre "anyways woo yeahhh not evil anymore awesom!!!!!!!!! not being evil is great actually))"

"HEY HEY HYE HEY HANG ON JUST A FUCKIGN SECOD!!!!!!!!!!" exclaimed someone.

It was.............................. Untimely-Demise Mary Twilight Dementia Sue Ebony Starslayer!!!!!!!!! (Or Demi for short as most people called her)(Also she was still using Deathstar's body)

Everyone turned to look at her.

She continued: "MAYBE YUO GUYEZ DINT WANT 2 B EVIL ANYMOR....... BUT I DO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" her clawz came out "JUS BECUZ I WAS MOVED  BY JOLELPAWS SOTRY DOESNT MEN IM GOOD NOW!!!"

":(" said Jackdaw in a lawyer voice. Demi did an evil laugh and her eyes turned red and she started to fly into the air ominously when....

"YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND YOU FUCKING CUNTS!!!!!!!!!" yelled someone. She sounded exaclty like..... HILARY DUFF!!!

They turned to see who it was. It was.............. SUNSHINE GOODNESS!!!!!!!!! (from foodfight 2012)

Chapter Text

Untimely-Demise "Demi" Mary Twilight Dementia Sue Ebony Starslayer who was still possessing Deathstar's body by the way was mortified and so was the rest of Goffikclan.

"NO..................." said Demi "NOT...... HILARY FUCKING DUFF!!!!!!!!!!!"

"It's Sunshine Goodness" said Sunshine Goodness "I'm just voiced by Hilary Duff."

"YOUR A PREP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" lamented Demi in anguish.

Sunshine looked really pissed and she yelled:

"YOU KILLED MY HUSBAND!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"hilary duff plz dont hurt me...." said Demi in a terrified voice.

"I'm not going to hurt you," said Sunshine and Demi was reassured so she smirked evilly and her claws came out. "I'm going to......................... TURN YOU INTO A PREP!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

"NEVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" yelled Demi and she ran away never to be seen again. Probably.

"That was anticlimactically easy." remarked Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Wizardy Herbert Black Platform Boots With Joel Written All Over Them Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 LPS Popular Jimothy Chapter 22 Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Real Pool 3D 2 2022 Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Harry Anderson Egbert Shrek For The Xbox Proton Pump Inhibitor Barry 63 Hawaii Part II Club Penguin Daybreak And Then Everyone Clapped Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 The Mayor (The other one too) Nefario.

Jesus Christ agreed and they made out passively and then Jackdaw Scorpius Killer §hrews Σxxsanguination Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness Яobodog Airborne Vampyre Tim Machine xXx Isle Ün2 Thyself Spike Angel Oz Goodman clapped and Magpie Geddit Vr*sk* Klaatu Xtreme Awsum And'rew Xander Rupert And'2rew Lothos The Master (The other one too) Leijon clapped and Joel Xtreme Σxxsanguination KYLEGUTZ Paw clapped and Gorestrike clapped and Caliginousmassacre clapped and Bufyrox clapped AND THEN EVERYONE CLAPPED.

"guess im the leader now???" said Gorestrike. "ill be bac i need 2 be w/ starcaln" and so he absconded for a bit and Caliginousmassacre followed him because she was the medicine cat.

*** xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 666 GORSTRICK PINT OF WIEV 666 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxx **+

gorestricke ad calinousmasicre went 2 da aoerport & botgh (a few minuts ago htey wodl have sotlen it but they wer good now remember???) a plaen tiket and they tok da plane and in one (1) hour and a (1) haf they was had arrivd bak in da old gofikclan tertory.

a bunch of prepz from prepclan stared at gorestrik ad they wer relly pissed off becus him and caliginosmassakr wernt suposed to be here becaus goffikclan had been banishd out of da forstest but he didnt car so he pit up his midle finger at them (cats have 5 (five) fingers so he DID hav one (1) dont com flamming in da coments saying cats only have 4 (four) finers im smarted dan yo)

they wlaked 2 da mpoon stone slahs moon pool equivalent of wher they wer and gorstrik fel aslip and he was dreming in starcaln or something

den nin (9)e catz came down.... da first one walkd up 2 him... it was blackclawz who was a cat who was in goffikclan at some point but then he did and went 2 starclane bcs he was dded

"With dis loife i give you black nail polish 2 have goffik black claz like me" he said and went away

den da secod cat and and 3th (geddit liek 3teeth?) cat and da 4rth car & the fiveth cat and de sigst car all gave him some more lives but they werent relevant

da 7th cat wlked up 2 him it was........ ZIPPER FROM PUP (potentially unwanted program) ACADEMY BUT SPECIFICALLY THE ONE FROM WHYD YOU LEAVE ME SO SAD AND BLUE BECAUSE HE WAS GOFFIK!!!!!

"with this life i give you my chemical romance's entire discography on cds." he said and then he went away as gorstrik said "omg mcr rox!111" and da ateth cat came

da 8th cat walkd up 2 him. it was.......... GLEAMSTAR FROM STARKITS PROHPECY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (she died at the end of da fik so she was in satrclan)

"with this life i give you jesus" she said

"fangz i already met jesus...." said gorestrik as she left

da ninth cat came up 2 him..........................

it was........ JOELPAW'S UNNAMED GRANDMOTHER!!!!!!

"with this life i give you the wisdom of not ever deciding to watch goat story" she said. Gorestrike shed a tear because he rememberd Joelpaws story. he was shaken.

"i hale yuo by ur new name Gorestirk" said Previousleaderofgoffikclanbeforeitwasdeathstarbecauseitcantbedeathstarwhosaysitbecauseshesaliveandnotinstarclanstar "ur old lif is no mor. u hav now recided da 9 livs of a leder & sarcaln grants uo gardinship of Goffikclan dEFEND IT WELL CAR 4 YONG & OLD OHUNOR UR ANCESTORS AD DA TRATITIONS OF DA WARRIOR COD LIVE ECH LIFE WITH PRIDE AND DINITY!!!"

"GORESTAR:!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Joelpaws grandmother and Stargleam and Zipper and Blackclawz and everyone else and sthen everyone clapped and Gorestar woke up.

*** xxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx 666 END OF GORstar PINT OF WIEV 666 XXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXXxxxxxxxxxx **+

MEANWHILE

"We defeated Goffikclan." said Jonathan. "Cool."

Everyone clapped again and then Gorestar who was previously Gorestrike came back.

"back itz offical im da letter" said Gorestar.

Everyone clapped.

Chapter Text

After everyone was done clapping Caliginousmassacre turned to face Joelpaw.

"oh adn be4 i 4get...3" she said, "Joelpaw i am makign yuo an offical medinine cart. You arnt that mushc of a poser afterall.."

All of Goffikclan gasped and then everyone clapped.

"we ar NOT gong back all da way 2 the moon stone slash pool slash whatever lol wer doing it righ here plane tickets r 2 expensiv" Caliginousmassacre added. Joelpaw nodded.

She walked up to him and said:

"i brackets caliginous massacre medicine cat of goffik clan czall ipon my warrir ancestorz 2 lolk down on dis apprentic. He has traned hard 2 understand da wayz of a mzdicin car and w/ ur help he wil serv his clane 4 many moonz . JOLPAW D O YOU PROMIS 2 UPHONLD DA WAY OF A MADICINE CART 2 STAND APARt FRUM RIVALRY BETWEN CLAN AD CLAN & 2 PROTECK ALL CATZ EQUELLY EVEN AT DA KOST OF UR LIFF????"

"Yeah" said Joelpaw. Caliginousmassacre continued:

"DEN BY DA POWERZ OF STARCALN I GIV U UR TRU NAME AS A MEDICIN CAT. JOEL XTREME ΣXXSANGUINATION KYLEGUTZ PAW FROM DIS MOMENT U WIL BE NOWN AS......................

........................................... JOEL XTREME ΣXXSANGUINATION KYLEGUTZ PAWS !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! (JOELPAWS PLURAL)(BECAUSE PAW WAS THE MOST FITTING SUFFIX BECUS OF UR PAWZ WITH JOEL WRITTE NALL OVER THEM IN BLOOD RED LETTERZ BUT U CANT BE JOELPAW ANYMOR BCUS UR NOT AN APPRENTOC ANIMOR)"

Everyone clapped. She continued some more:

"satrclan honurs ur goffikness and we welcom u as a ful medicin cat of goffikclan"

"JOELPAWS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said all of goffikclan which by now was down to Gorestar Caliginousmassacre Bufyrox and JoelpawS with an s.

And then everyone clapped.

Chapter Text

When everyone was done clapping they all had some nice conversations about the fact that it was pretty cool that they'd defeated Demi and that it was also really cool that Goffikclan were no longer evil and then it got late and dark and Jonathan Life-Expectancy Draco Jacob Gnomeo Cardiomyopathy Lawrence Karkette Wizardy Herbert Prospit Black Platform Boots With Joel Written All Over Them Samsung Galaxy Tab 2 Melpomene Scrimble Left Anterior Descending Artery Windows 11 LPS Popular Jimothy Chapter 22 Simon The'odore Optic Nerve Middle Name Pinball Thesaurus Picheal John Rose Dave Jade Jane Roxy Dirk Jake Maximus Birch Variations On A Cloud Ligma Garfield Real Pool 3D 2 2022 Solluxander Kokoro Felonius Wattpad Harry Anderson Egbert Shrek For The Xbox Proton Pump Inhibitor Barry 63 Hawaii Part II Club Penguin Daybreak And Then Everyone Clapped Plan 9 From Outer Space Gamera: Super Monster Pentacthulquaditerator Davesprite KYLEGUTZ Jame'2 The Mayor (The other one too) Nefario, Jesus Christ from the Bible, Jackdaw Scorpius Killer §hrews Σxxsanguination Sesquipedalian Loquaciousness Яobodog Airborne Vampyre Tim Machine xXx Isle Ün2 Thyself Spike Angel Oz Goodman and Magpie Geddit Vr*sk* Klaatu Xtreme Awsum And'rew Xander Rupert And'2rew Lothos The Master (The other one too) Leijon went to Jonathan's parents' house.

"That was nice" said Jonathan "how we defeated Demi, but my parents are still dead."

"I could ask my father to bring them back to life!" said Jesus. "He's god lmao."

Jonathan and Jackdaw and Magpie cheered like "yeahhh let's bring them back to life!!!" but then Jesus remembered:

"Oh shit wait no," he said, "they've both been brought back to life once already."

Jonathan and Jesus and Jackdaw and Magpie all shed tears and Jonathan's hair changed to black with a broken heart pattern on it because he was sad.

"We'll figure it out..." he then said sadly.

Then everyone cried and shed terezis of blood and wept.

Then everyone went to sleep (Jackdaw and Magpie stayed at their house for the night because it was late) because it was late.

TO BE CONTINUED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

... BUT FIRST......................................

Chapter Text

.............. MEANWHILE !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Joel Xtreme Σxxsanguination KYLEGUTZ Paws (plural)(Formerly Joel Xtreme Σxxsanguination KYLEGUTZ Paw singular formerly just Joelpaw) was asleep in the medicine cat den (he was a medicine cat now and not just the medicine cat apprentice)(it was about time that he was made a full medicine cat considering he was like 20 moons old by now) and he was having............. ... ......A DREAM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

He woke up (in the dream) and looked around him. He was....................... IN STARCLAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A cat walked up to her and she was grey. It was.......................... YELLOWFANG!!!!!!!!!!!!!

This wasn't just any dream.... ....it was.............. ..A PROPHECY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! !!!

"Hey remember when I gave the prophecy at the beginning of the story?" she said.

"No??????" said Joelpaws (plural) who wasn't there when it had happened. "What prophecy????"

"Nevermind," said Yellowfang, "I forgot you weren't there when I gave God the prophecy earlier."

"What prophecy?" asked Joelpaws (plural) who was quite confused really and kind of really wanted to know what that was all about even if it wasn't particularly relevant to this specific conversation.

"It's not important," said Yellowfang because it wasn't important, "what IS important however is I have ANOTHER prophecy, and this one's for YOU!"

Joelpaws (plural)'s jaw dropped. It was his first prophecy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

"What's it about..." he asked pensively.

"It's about..............." said Yellowfang...... "..........................GOAT STORY!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"

Chapter Text

Joelpaws (plural) gasped. He was HORRIFIED at the thought of GOAT STORY!!!!!!!!!!!

"Can you..." he said a little worried "can you elaborate?"

"YOU.... are going to have to defeat..................... JAN TOMáNEK !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Yellowfang. She added: "You did a good job defeating Demi again, and your tragic backstory involves Goat Story, so I thought you were the perfect cat for the job!"

"Who?" asked Joelpaws (plural) to whom the name Jan Tománek sounded slightly familiar now that he thought about it.

"The guy who made Goat Story," said Yellowfang, "you'll have to go back in time to 2007 and convince that guy NOT to make Goat Story. It's for the good of everyone, including your own..................................... So.................. Will you do it?"

Joelpaws (plural) smiled. Of course he was going to do it! He would be saving so many innocent lives. No one would be lost to Goat Story ever again!

"Of course I will!!" he exclaimed.

"Perfect!" said Yellowfang. "You'll have to get a time machine... Sorry I mean a Tim machine. Sorry it's easy to confuse the two. You'll start your journey tomorrow, you'll find it easily enough."

"Yeah!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" said Joelpaws (plural) who was eager to go back in time and erase the worst movie of all times out of existence once and for all.

Yellowfang started to walk away and Joelpaws (plural) thought he was going to wake up when Yellowfang turned to him again.

"And another thing," she said, "there's someone I want you to collaborate with on this mission. She's very special and perfect and once you wake up I'll give her the prophecy too. You'll meet during your journey, presumably and hopefully as soon as possible. She really is very special and perfect. She'll help with the mission."

Joelpaws (plural) was intrigued.

"Who is it?" he asked.

Yellowfang sighed and walked up to him again.

"Okay... Her name is Jayheart, and....."

"What is it???" asked Joelpaws (plural) impatiently.

Yellowfang sighed again and, finally, said:

"Listen. I know you won't like it but.................. she's.......................

....................................................................................................................................

....................................................................................................................................................... A PREP !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"