Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Protein Shake

A waterfall roared nearby, its voice drowned out by the sound of the thousand chirping birds that perched in his friend’s hand. His body burned as if it were on fire and his chest ached where it had been pierced, but he pushed past it. His legs coiled in preparation to leap, before he launched himself at his friend, a vermillion orb swirled above his palm.

“Naruto!”

“Sasuke!”

Blue eyes squinted through the pain. His arm reached out, the orb aimed to stop his friend grazing the headband that rested there. A gash was left, symbolizing what he knew was to come. He almost grinned past his pained grimace.

Almost.

The feeling of success, of smug satisfaction, for doing exactly as he was challenged to do, was lost as his friend’s attack found its mark. The tear of skin and muscle jarred his control, the smell of death and the taste of blood overwhelmed his nerves. But it was the sound that he hated the most.

Sharp, piercing agony.

The birds, those goddamn birds, just wouldn’t shut the fuck up!

It was aggravating.

It was infuriating.

It was…an alarm clock?

“Fucking Zombie Jesus’ rotting meat-stick— Shut up!” A clawed fist dropped down on the device, shattering it to oblivion. The peace almost came once more, but an air-horn sounded overhead and the lone occupant of the room jumped with a yelp, tangling himself further into the manageable chaos he slept in. By the time his frazzled wits were about him, the B.A. system started speaking.

“ Go-o-o-od morning, Baby Bro! We have a lot of after-party cleanup to deal with today, so get your cute little ass out of bed! ”

Now exposed in the makeshift den prior to the startling second wake up call, two blue eyes cracked open and surveyed their surroundings.

Hexagonal golden wallpaper that looked more like a beehive’s structure than room decor? Check. Bright neon orange sheets and blankets haphazardly discarded around a large king-size mattress? Check. Emergency Supply of Instant Ramen still untouched by unworthy hands, claws, tentacles or any other extremity? Check.

“Another stupid Life-mare.” The blue-eyed occupant of the room groaned as he realized he’d relived his death. Again. The occupant sighed and pulled himself out of the den-like bundle of blankets and sheets he always wound himself in.

Scratching the ruff on his chest, the blue-eyed occupant stumbled over to a bathroom attached to his room, and stared into the mirror for a moment. A lean, but tall and built, orange-furred Foxfiend stared back with the same blue eyes, slightly large fennec-like ears slowly perked up the longer the reflection’s gaze was held. He had a mane of unruly spikes atop his head that had strands of gold and red intertwined in them, and throughout his coat were various lighter patches of orange that matched the scars that lay beneath, a particularly large starburst of cream rested on the left side of his chest. Outside of the darker hue around his eyes and muzzle, three black patches of lines that rested on either of his cheeks were the only other colors he had in his coat.

There was one other difference that he had which separated his ilk from the more common Hellhounds. It wasn’t exactly obvious to the naked eye, but if one peered closely at the Foxfiend’s stomach they would see—

“Ow?” He stopped scratching when his claws plucked a small bug demon out of his chest fur and blue eyes peered down at it. The bug-like demon stared at him with oversized eyes before it started humping his finger.

“Gimme yer blood, I want yer blood!”

“Oh, for the love of—Stop sneaking in here!” The letch was squashed in his palm, and he growled at the remains before he flicked it into the toilet. He huffed and adjusted himself to urinate, as any male would early in the morning. As he relieved himself, feeling extra petty, he focused the stream on the bug’s remains. “Fucking pervert…Stay in Lust ! Goddamn.”

A sharp banging caused the stream to go wide and mess the walls. And the urinator.

“Fucking-! WHAT ?!” He shouted once he got his act together. Great, now he had to shower for two reasons.

“Naruto, get up. Bee wants coffee.” A gruff, deep voice said from the door.

“Can’t even take a goddamn piss in this place…Fucking Here.” The blue-eyed, orange furred Foxfiend that was Naruto groused to himself. He turned his head back to the door. “Why the fuck don’t you get it?!”

“Because I have to head to this novel thing called a fucking job ! You might want to look into getting one sometime!”

“I…Fuck you, Vore -tex!” Naruto snapped as he shook off any dribble and flushed.

“Just do it, asshole! It’s the least your freeloading ass can do!” Vortex snapped before he trudged away, grumbling under his breath as he did.

“‘It’s the least your freeloading ass can do’!” Naruto mocked as he started up his shower, covering one eye as he made faces in the mirror to amuse himself. After a few seconds went by without steam fogging up his form of entertainment, he grimaced and tested the water. He flinched as he pulled his hand back just before more than a claw got in. “Fuck, I did it again . Maybe I can skip-No, wait, my piss. Shit .”

Resigned to his rough start, he took a deep breath.

“Okay, you can do this, Naruto. In and out. In…and out.”

A large, well-built Hellhound looked up from the kiss he shared with his girlfriend as a shrill unholy shriek echoed through the manor.

“He flushed before he used the shower again, didn’t he?” Vortex asked, a wry smirk on his face as he looked down at his girlfriend. She was a yellow furred canid-like demon with four arms and antenna-like tips on her ears. Her hair and tail resembled the goop within a lava lamp as it oscillated between the colors blue and pink and waved about freely. Queen Bee-lzebub looked away from the hall the shriek had emanated from to meet his amused gaze with her own.

“Probably.” The Sin of Gluttony snickered. Two of her hands grabbed Vortex’s muzzle and pulled them down for another kiss. The other two hands were taking handfuls of his butt, which made him growl eagerly and reciprocate. Around a minute passed before they parted again, one red eye met her two as she licked her lips. “Sure you have to work today, Babe? I could convince Mayday to come help clean up over here.”

“You and I both know why that’s a bad idea.” Vortex shook his head as he reluctantly pulled away. “Besides, we’re looking to move out of Lust to keep Vee in her program.”

“Bet she doesn’t last a week.”

“And here I thought you two were friends .” Vortex smirked.

“We are; that’s how I know she won’t last a week!” Bee smirked back. She tapped his nose with one hand before she sauntered away to a couch, stretching a pair of arms above her head while one of the other pair rested on her hip and the last scratched her stomach. She stifled a yawn and flopped onto the cushions before she looked back at him. “But, I love your dedication to her. Tastes like cinnamon buns.”

“No wonder you’re so clingy this morning.”

“Smartass. Go to work, before I make you take the day off.”

“Tempt me with a good time. Tell your brother I’ll see him later.” Vortex said as he headed out. Bee waved him off and made a bowl of popcorn appear in her lap. She waited for the door to close and then flicked the television remote on.

A frantically scrubbing, drenched Foxfiend appeared on the screen. Bee snorted when, in his rush to get clean, the younger demon slipped and fell in the shower. She pressed record on the remote and went back to chowing down on the popcorn.

“You are never living this down, Baby Bro. Now, gimme the money shot. I need to sell this to Ozzie to buy some of Belphagor’s goods.”

“And this time don’t forget to grab the macchiato latte with extra vanilla spurts! Gotta keep Moxxie’s mouth shut for another ten minutes somehow, and if you forget it again, he’ll get so fucking pissy and Millie won’t let me hear the end of it! I can’t fucking deal with that today, Loony, I just can’t do it! I have a very important client stopping—”

“Yeah, yeah, grab Fatty’s macchiato. I got it, Blitzø.” A wolf-like Hellhound clad in clothes that could be described as ‘goth’ muttered as she hung up her Hellphone. She immediately went back to browsing Sinstagram as she walked into the Hothead Cafe. She’d much rather have just DevilDashed this order in, but since the last Extermination Day, the wait time for a D-Dasher had doubled and the costs for delivery tripled. Neither she nor her, ugh, co-workers were made of that kind of money and given she was the - her ear twitched a bit here - secretary , it was her ‘job’ to pick up the weekly breakfast order.

At least it gave her a reason to get away from her d- Blitzø , Millie and Fatty.

After a ten minute wait for the idiots that actually came in half-asleep to get their drinks, the Hellhound made it to the cashier. The teenage Sinner, if her nose was right, looked like an amoeba plastered onto a generic demon body, each of its micro-spots looked more like zits. They plastered a fake smile on their face once the Hellhound looked up from her phone.

“Hi, welcome to Hot-!”

“Order pickup, name’s Loona,” the Hellhound, Loona, huffed. She went back to checking Sinstagram, and looked up again when the Sinner didn’t move. “Well?”

“Uh, um, th-there’s a thirty minute wait for uh—”

“A thirty minute wait?! I ordered this shit almost twenty minutes ago!” Loona growled. “How hard is it to make three coffees?”

The lardo imp Blitzø hired could live without his monstrosity of an order. His stomach would thank Loona from the ulcer that never was.

“The, um, there’s another order that’s, um, uh-” the Sinner stuttered and shrank back from her.

Goddamn, how has this shitstain survived in Hell for so long? What, was it some wimp that took the lame way out when they were human? I thought most of those fucking idiots got dealt with during Extermination Day. Ugh, she wasn’t awake enough for this shit.

“Look, I don’t care about your fucking excuses. Can you just throw the Vanilla Latte together? I can wait for the rest.” Loona huffed.

“Er, I mean, I-sure?”

“Great. Thanks.” Loona held the Sinners gaze and she almost snarled. “Some-fucking-time today .”

“Oh! R-right. Sorry.” The Sinner winced and darted about the counter, squishing and slipping past their coworkers and occasionally getting cussed at by the Imps, Incubi or Succubi that they worked with.

Christ, thank God I never had to work retail. Loona thought with a huff. Another three minutes went by before she was given her latte. A sip had her nerves settle and her tail swished once before she got it under control.

“Th-the rest of your, uh, your order will be done-”

“Just fucking call my name.” Loona growled before she stepped to the side and claimed a spot on the wall to lean against. Her attention went back to Sinstagram, only broken whenever the need for Vanilla Latte called.

She barely registered the jingle of the cafe’s door bell, as yet another slave to the sweet relief that was caffeine walked in. A few damned muttered around her, but Loona ignored it. A sweet violet fragrance drifted into her line of scent, but she wrote it off as some whore’s perfume. Another incidental whiff gave her a hint of something with it that was...intriguing.

“Huh, didn’t know that Cerb’ even had Sinstagram.”

Loona flinched away from the sudden and close voice. She growled and tore her eyes from her Hellphone, raising her gaze up to rip into the creepy asshat staring at her screen. She started and her nose twitched when her eyes met two blue orbs. Well, at least she knew where the violet smell came from.

“Hi!” The Hellhound(?) grinned down at her and Loona felt her cheeks warm from the earnest, bright thing. He was a head or so taller than her, but lean, maybe a stick when soaking wet. Hard to say with how his Veroiska Mayday’s May Daze Tour shirt fell loosely over his frame. She took in his orange coat, the faint cream on the underside and the darker circles around his odd blue eyes. The erratic sway of his tail made her wonder if it had gotten broken enough times to be turned into powder. “I’m Naruto! Harper said that everyone waiting on their pick-up order was over here?”

“L-Loona.” The Hellhound quietly cursed her stutter and pocketed her phone. She brushed a strand of hair out of her face and played with her half-empty latte. “You waiting on your order, too?”

“Oh, nah. Mine was the one holding the others up.” Huh. Loona quickly looked down at the three triple-stacks of coffee carriers he had under his arm. All full of large cups. Damn. Her eyes darted back up when his eyes drifted away to the ceiling and a claw scratched the weird marking on his cheek, almost sheepishly. “Well, s’not even my order, just picking it up for a friend. Didn’t realize it would keep people held up though, so I figured I’d apologize for the wait. Sorry!”

“That’s…noble, of you.” Loona bit down on her knee-jerk response to call this guy out as an idiot. Which, maybe he was? He didn’t have to tell anyone that he’s the asshole that held everyone up. She realized he was still standing near her and narrowed her eyes. “Did you want something else?”

“Er, well…” Oh, so he did have an ulterior motive. Typical. Wait, shit. He put that dumb bright grin on his face again. “Another coffee date, maybe?”

“… Another coffee date?” Loona repeated, a brow arched. She bit her cheek to keep from smiling, his grin was so damn infectious. Was it some kind of spell? A charm? Fuck, Loona needed to browse that book for anti-charm shit, stat.

“Wait, I mean, doesn’t this count as the first?” He asked, tilting his head as an ear flicked. 

Oh. Okay. Yep. This guy is a total idiot. Kind of cute, though. Weird how that bypassed her typical ‘bar’ for what she considered attractive. The concern about a charm was still plausible.

“No.” Loona almost snorted the answer out.

“Huh. So, that’s a no on the date, too, then?” Naruto asked. After she nodded, he shrugged. “Ah, well. Can’t blame a guy for trying. Nice meeting you anyway, Loona.”

“It was…certainly something.” Loona blinked as he gave her a parting wave and moved onto another waiting customer. She didn’t expect him to be torn up over being rejected, but she expected his ‘nice guy’ facade to drop the second she didn’t jump into his arms. She watched him apologize, and only apologize, to the rest of the aggravated coffee addicts for another minute before she pulled her phone back out to wait for her order.

If Loona snuck another peek or two at the weird orange Hellhound’s whip of a tail, and the jean-clad rear it was attached to, that wasn’t anyone else’s fucking business but her own.

“Hey, Bee, I’m H–!” Naruto didn’t even get two steps in before his burden was taken from his hands, the process of which almost knocked him off of his feet. His ears flattened while he stared at his ‘sister’ as she gulped down the contents of the first two carrying cases in record time.  “Home.”

“Ahh..!” Bee smacked her lips and tossed the four cups in her hands aside before she grabbed the next batch. “I love a good dozen pots of Hothead’s Coffee in the morning! Shame they wouldn’t take up my offer to build a location down here.”

“Considering the staff’s pay is kept laughably cheap due to their overwhelmingly high amount of Sinner employees, I’m not surprised.” Naruto deadpanned as he closed the door. He checked his Hellphone for the time and clicked his tongue. “Damn, I’m behind. Bee, I’m gonna head to the gym for some trai—yelp!”

One of Bee’s four arms encircled his neck and pulled him away from the hallway that would take him to the in-house gym. Naruto growled as the Sin of Gluttony purred against his head, then resumed guzzling her coffee order.

“Ahh.” Bee tossed three-fourths of her current round away before she adjusted her grip on the last to free the arm that had him trapped. “Nope! Cleanup teams needed in the main chamber, east wing and on the west’s second floor bathroom.”

“What – Grip, loosen the grip! Thank you. – What are the magic words?”

“Do it, before I ship your cute ass down to Lust and let Ozzie fuck some obedience into you.” The calm and assured tone told him that’s exactly what would happen if Bee went ahead with this plan. Resigned, the younger demon let his hackles fall.

“...Sometimes, I think you only took me in because it cut back on your labor costs, y’know.” He groused and formed the required hand seal that would allow him to create a platoon’s worth of doppelgängers. With crossed arms and a po - scowl ! He had a scowl on his face! - Naruto looked at his Cloned Cleaning Force (patent pending). “Alright, you all heard her. Get to it.”

“Or else what, shit-for-brains? We can’t be tortured!” One brave clone argued. His brothers began to murmur in agreement, the sounds of rebellion on the horizon, until a heavy aura pressed down on them. A set of arms rested over the original Naruto’s shoulders and an ample bust pressed into the back of his head. It’d be arousing if not for the rumble of a growl that filled the air.

“Do you wanna stress test that theory?” Bee asked, her fangs and claws growing as her eyes began to glow. “Because I’m game.”

“You don’t scare us, right guys? ... Guys ?” The lone rebel amongst the clones turned to see smoke where his fellow supporters had once stood. His bravado failed him and he turned back to the original and his benefactor/sibling. “Uh, heh...So, erm, ahem, what was it that needed to be cleaned again?”

A plunger, gas mask, and rubber gloves appeared on the clone’s person. The amused, and freshly caffeinated, Queen Bee rested her chin on a set of arms that were wrapped around the original Naruto’s head while the other set started pouring various coffees into a disproportionately small thermos. Her eyes no longer glowed with malicious intent, but gleeful amusement.

“ You get to freshen up the party guests’ toilets.”

“Goddammit.” Original and clone grimaced. The guests’ toilets were a series of bathrooms set in the main hall that always got clogged in one or several areas after one of Bee’s parties. It typically required a team of specialists to handle, or one smartassed Foxfiend that lipped off at the wrong moment. The original was grimacing for the memories that would come upon his clone’s dispelling and the clone did the same for the memories he would make before the aforementioned dispelling. Resigned to his fate, the clone trudged off with its head hung, aware that it had lost its battle and bid for freedom.

“I’m going to repress those memories so hard.” Naruto grumbled into his hand. The hand dragged down as blue eyes rolled up. “There, you have a cleaning crew. Can I go train, now?”

“Of course not! We have a party to plan!” Bee grinned as she buzzed around and pressed her head against his. “Mayday’s out of rehab and she deserves a celebration!”

“Wasn’t that what last night’s party was for?” Naruto countered, eyes half-lidded.

“Was it? Huh.” Bee pulled back to rub her chin. “I guess…then we’ll celebrate whatever you’re so peppy about!”

“I thought I was always ‘peppy’?” Naruto frowned. He growled in annoyance as the sin cooed at him and scratched a sweet spot on his jawline. Downside to the new life in Hell? He was vulnerable to petting, a fact he learned way-y-y too early.

“You are, but it’s different today. I can smell it.” Bee grinned and scented all around the younger demon. “ Something happened, you’re basically radiant with joy and …ecstasy? No, close, but not quite.”

“Bee, back off–”

“Lust? Nah, missing the tang.”

“Bee, I’m warning you–”

“Wait. Hold on.” Bee grabbed his arms and shoulders with both sets of her hands before she furiously sniffed at the base of his ears. She pulled back with wide eyes and grinned. “That’s attraction ! You met someone?!”

“Please, just drop it.” Naruto pleaded feebly. He knew that this was about to be blown out of proportion.

Sure enough, his request was ignored and he was hauled through the manor to Bee’s favorite ‘dish’ space. The quiet little library that had only a few chairs and only one entrance. It made it easier for her to trap her target, which nine times out of ten happened to be Naruto. As he was several times before, he sat in a moon chair across from the Sin as she manifested a whole plate of crepes and stared him down.

“Dish the deets, Baby Bro! Spare nothing, and don’t try to lie.” Bee tossed a crepe into her mouth and grinned at him. “I’ll smell it.”

“It’s not a big deal, I met a hot girl while I was getting your coffee.”

“A Sinner? Humans have been getting better since they stopped ‘keeping the blood pure’. Well, outside of Alabama, anyway.” Bee hummed and took a sip from her Coffee Thermos. Another crepe was thrown into her mouth. “So, keep going!”

“She wasn’t a Sinner–”

“Succubus?”

“No, why does it–”

“An imp? Hm, I guess they can be fun every other century…”

“She was a Hellhound, okay?! She was a hot, grey Hellhound with a crop-top and shorts! Can I continue so I can get on with my day?” Naruto asked, eye twitching. Bee grinned.

“I knew you had taste. Only took you a few centuries.” She teased. The younger demon growled at her. Bee laughed and popped two more crepes into her mouth. “Right, right, sorry. What else?”

“Your order delayed hers, so I apologized for the inconvenience, and asked her out. She said no–” Naruto spluttered as he was doused in coffee. “Bee, the fuck?!”

“What do you mean she said ‘no’?!” Bee’s hands slammed onto her desk. Her eyes bled red and her wings started to grow. “You introduced yourself as Naru-lzebub, asked her out and she said no ?!”

“No, I introduced myself by my name and she said no. Calm your tits, Bee, it’s far from the first time I got shot down.” Naruto huffed and Bee reluctantly reverted to her friendlier, reserved appearance. “I didn’t think she’d go for it anyway, so I got over it and brought your order back after apologizing to the other customers for the hold-up. There, story-time is over.” He rolled his eyes and put his hands on the chair to get up. “Now, since the clones are on clean-up and there’s no reason to party tonight–”

“What?! Yes there is! My baby brother–”

“Fucking– Stop calling me that , Bee!”

“ Never .” Bee hissed with a flash of red in her eyes. The Foxfiend threw his hand up and flopped back in the seat as Bee leaned forward and pressed on. “My baby brother just had his heart broken! For the first time in...since...For the first time! He needs a cheer-up party!”

“ He just wants to go train. Like he’s supposed to be. Right now.” Naruto growled. His hands scrubbed over his face. He raked his claws down his muzzle and let out a tired sigh. “Bee, if I help you plan this party–”

“And attend!”

“Fucking. ... Fine . If I help you plan and attend this party, may I use tomorrow to catch up on my training?” Naruto asked with a twitch in his eye. Each word felt like he was pulling a tooth out. Negotiating with one of the Seven Sins was considered an act of suicide...unless you were considered part of their family, much like Naruto was. Now, rather than suicide, it was more akin along the lines of walking a tightrope over a pit of fire to ensure his sanity remains in check.

The only one who would have a harder time would be anyone that may try to negotiate with Lucifer.

A pale faced, blonde-haired young woman sneezed and accepted the handkerchief that her girlfriend handed over. Together, they looked up at the run-down, condemned hotel that was well overdue to be refurbished or demolished.

“This is gonna take a lot of work, Charlie.”

“Maybe, but think of how good it will feel to see the first soul ascend to Heaven.” Charlie returned and smiled. She tucked the handkerchief into her suit pocket and pulled the other girl into a tight hug. “Now, c’mon, Vaggie! Destiny awaits us!”

“You’ll stay for the whole party?” Bee asked, peering from one of his eyes to the next.

“Oh, I’m going to fucking regret this– yes .” The Foxfiend sighed.

“YES!” Bee shot up from her seat and grabbed him around the neck. “Then let’s get to planning! You’re going to be so cheered up from this! Fuck that bitch who broke your heart–”

“Didn’t break my heart. Just said no.”

“Yes, yes, and she’ll live to regret it! Now come, Baby Bro, Big Sis Bee gots party goods to get!” Bee cheered as she pulled him along while she flew for the front door.

“Fine, Christ, just stop pulling my neck, you psychopath !”

“I can’t believe you forgot my drink again .” A small, well-dressed, white-haired imp whined forlornly as he leaned against another imp, this one a female with a small gap in her teeth and a Hothead Cafe cup in her hands.

“Aw, don’t you worry none, Mox. You can share mine!” The other imp smiled and offered her drink. “It’s got extra tabasco sauce in it to give the espresso a real kick in the ass!”

“Er...Thank you, Millie, but I’m-I’m good.”

Loona ignored the byplay of the married couple and swiped her thumb over her Hellphone screen while she scrolled Sinstagram in search of a certain orange Hellhound. Reading through the Grimoire’s spells and counters to charms got boring real fast, and none of the ones there seemed to focus on any charms or enchantments a Hellhound could cast subtly. (In fact, there was a rather lengthy passage that argued against a Hellhound’s skill in demonic mage-craft that just pissed her off on principle). She huffed in mild frustration as she came across another loser that claimed to be ‘Cosplaying as Naru-lzebub’. Who the fuck cosplays as some random Hellhound?

“What the horse-fucking rider fuck?!” Blitzø shouted from his office before he stormed out, came over to Loona’s desk and held his cup up to her line of sight. “Looney! They made my Iced Coffee without any ice! You better not have given those fuckers a tip!”

“Um, sir? You were on the phone when Loona got here with the order an hour ago and told us not to disturb you. By the time you came out to get it, five minutes ago, the ice probably melted.” Moxxie pointed out with a raised finger. Blitzø stared at him for a moment.

“Moxxie?”

“Er, yes, sir?”

“Shut the fuck up.”

“...Y-Yes, sir.”

Loona snorted, typical fatty and his bitch attitude. No wonder Millie hooked her claws into him when she could.

“Right, now, we have to send these fuckers a message and–” Blitzø stopped his rant and stared at Loona’s hand. Okay, new level of weird for her adoptive parent, but–Wait, oh fuck . Loona growled and pulled her phone out of his reach before he could snag it. “ Loona ! You aren’t supposed to look at those kinds of websites at your age! Your innocent eyes are being fucking tainted !”

“For the last time, I’m almost fucking twenty-one, Blitzø!” Loona snapped as she kept her phone out of his reach. “Back off!”

“In Hellhound years!” The stupid horse-fucker snapped back at her so certain in his words it caused her to stare at him. Goddammit, why was Loona surrounded by idiots?! “So, to everyone else that means you’re only three! I can’t have Hellhound Services know I’m letting you look at that shit when you’re so young! The shit Beelzebub’s lackeys would do to us if they ever found out we violated those rules?!”

“Blitz, you do realize that Hellhounds age at the same rate as Imps, right?” Millie asked, smirking from where she sat with her fatass of a husband. Smug bitch was amused by Loona’s suffering, was she?! She was going to dump the next coffee Millie ordered off the freeway and fill the cup with sewer water!

“What? No, they don’t! Every documentary I watched before adopting my sweet Looney-tooney can attest to this!”

“What documentary was that ‘Dogs: What They Are & How to Fuck Them?’” Loona sneered. Blitzø gasped and–Loona’s eyes crossed before they blazed with fury. “Oh, you did not just fucking do what I think you did!”

“No! Bad! Bad Loona! We don’t besmirch the sexual desires of family!”

Loona could’ve ended the fight here and now with a single word. An apology would’ve put the fight to a stop, swept Blitzø up into whatever bizarro fantasy his sick twisted mind came up with and made him forget about the whole incident. That would’ve required a large amount of healthy Pride Juice to be swallowed by the Hellhound, so, naturally, she did otherwise.

“We’re only ‘family’ on fucking paper , asshole!”

And so the fight continued as it normally would, loudly and somewhat comically. It was just another day for I.M.P., with the shouting of hurtful words, violence that no amount of medical insurance in Hell or on Earth could cover, and many, many slurs to be exchanged. The time would come when things would change, and the change would come soon.

AN: Alright! I like this one! I really like this one!

This "new "story brought to you by the insanity that is my life, brain and the new kitten that has conquered our house.

He is a little shit.

Thanks for reading, and remember!

It’s just fucking fan -fiction

Chapter Text

Break Fast

“Yeah, alright, dude. Take care, Marty–watch that step!” Naruto warned as he escorted the last of the party goers out of the manor. The tipsy-slash-hungover Hellhound did not watch the step and proceeded to tumble the rest of the way down the slight hill that exit led to. The observing Foxfiend winced and quickly checked the surroundings before he shrugged and shut the door. Once that was done, he turned around and slumped against it. “Thank fuck that that’s over with.”

“Are the parasites gone?!” Bee called from somewhere nearby. She’d disappeared about an hour before the party wrapped up so she could check on her ‘production’. A text fifteen minutes after had Naruto spamming clones to get the party goers as fucking far away from the manor as he could, before searching for any sleeping drunks that might try to take advantage of the situation.

Oh, did the last bit sound a bit strange? Well, while those who didn’t know her but knew of her reputation may think Bee-lzebub would just leave the attendees to rot where they fell, so they could party again when they woke up, they were horribly wrong. She’d made those mistakes after parties over millennia ago, and found out real quick that most demons that crashed at her parties were basically scumbags and lightweights. Some attempted to shmooze up to Bee, and a lesser few attempted the same to Naruto once he hit the scene, while others bitched or moaned about needing cash or favors to get to their jobs or home. A favor here or there, if Bee was feeling generous was one thing, but giving rides and cash out to everyone that crashed mid-party was a quick way to get the fuckers Greed to ruin her good time.

That was one of the first lessons Naruto had to learn when he first started staying with Bee, which was an ass amount of time ago.

“ Yes , Bee! There’s no one left in the manor!” Naruto called back with a roll of his eyes. He pushed himself off of the door and rubbed the tired organs before he checked the clock. “Huh, two-fifty. New record short.”

As he made his way to the pantry to get a post-party snack thrown together, he stretched his arms above his head and yawned. Shi-i-i-it, why did I agree to help her set up a back-to-back party? Those are always more fucking exhausting than the first. I should just make clones now and sleep that off after—

“Baby Bro, eat this!” 

So surprised by the sudden reappearance of Bee, Naruto couldn’t help but gag on the utensil that was shoved into his mouth. Three of Bee’s four hands steadied him while the offending (if unintentional) gagging hand whirled around the obstructing utensil in his mouth, spreading whatever was on it to every nook and cranny. Sweet, sticky, tangy, and a bit salty. It wasn’t terrible , but the whole not-being-able-to-breathe thing was clouding his judgment.

Naruto pulled himself free of the Sin’s grasp and braced against the nearby island. He forced down whatever the mass of goopy treat was and then doubled over to cough and gasp. Ah, the cool relief of life was, but brief before it was overwhelmed by a hot fire. 

“God dammit , Bee! We’ve–” he coughed again as he straightened up. He glared at the sweetly smiling creature he considered kin and pointed a claw at her once he got his coughing fit in check. “We’ve talked about this, dammit! Stop fucking doing that!”

“Oh, grow a set, bitch. You lived , didn’t you?”

“I li–?! That’s not the fucking point ! You can’t just shove shit into people’s mouths !” He growled at her. He held a finger up when she opened her mouth to argue. “This ain’t Lust and we aren’t fucking! My point stands!”

“Tch, fine. I’m sorry, or whatever–So, what’d you think?! Good shit, right?” Bee asked with a big smile and wide red eyes, all but dismissing his near death experience at her hands.

Naruto let out another soft cough as he glanced over her posture. Two of her hands tightly interlocked in front of her, while one of the other two wrung around the other which held the oversized, plastic spork that she’d choked him with—Ugh, was that thing freaking green ? He almost died to a green spork? Fucking seriously? Weak.

“Gimme a second, alright? I had other things on my mind.”

“You gotta stop thinking about that bitch that turned you down, Baby Bro.”

“I wasn’t thinking about—I needed air ! Gimme a second, god- damn !” Naruto growled into his hand and ran his tongue over some of the residual goop that was in-between his teeth. He used a claw to pick out another chunk and sniffed it before he slurped it down. “It’s a bit slimy, and yet...strangely satisfying.”

“So… good ?” Bee pressed, her wings beating up as she leaned in, her smile growing.

“Well, of the past ten flavors you’ve tried to kill me with, I’d put it at a solid… four ; up at the top, but not top three material.” Naruto evaluated as his tongue cleaned over the rest of his gums. This taste was going to be popping up for the next few days. Ah, well, he was just happy it wasn’t going to be as bad as the Nut Butter Incident.

“So, more time in the pot? Less? Too much flavor, does it need more? C’mon, Baby Bro, help your Big Sis out, here. What’s it missing?” Bee asked, hovering around him and darting from one side to the next. He closed his eyes to think and avoid getting dizzy from her erratic movements.

“Maybe…a companion snack? Tastes like it could be a dip.”

“Ooh, new snack dip! Great idea, Baby Bro.” Bee sent the offensive green spork away and pulled a small notebook out to scrawl in. Where did the notebook and pen come from? Naruto didn’t know. He wasn’t great with magic, the simple sleight of hand variant or otherwise, and hearing about the theory behind either always made him smell copper.

“Glad to help, Bee.” Naruto sighed, a small smile stretched across his face as she muttered about possible combinations. It was at the point where she started weighing the pros and cons of dipping a Meatlover’s Pizza into the new flavor that he decided to back out. “Alright, the party is over. I lived through another ambush taste test. I’m gonna make some ramen and then take a nap.”

“Nap? What?! C’mon, don’t be a stick in the mud, Bro. It’s only...” Bee glanced at the clock and then snapped back to grin at him. “Three-fifteen!”

“In the morning.”

“Your point?”

Naruto stared at her with half-lidded eyes. He took a deep breath and put a hand to his temples. A slow breath slid out of his mouth before he looked at the Sin of Gluttony once more.

“Bee? Do you remember what our agreement was ?”

“That you live with me basically rent free and help me out whenever I ask?” Bee smiled back sweetly, a glint of something in her eyes. He held the gaze with one of his own for all of a second before he groaned.

“Yeah, fuck, fine . I walked into that one... No , Bee. My day. To- day . I want to train .” Naruto crossed his arms. “And since you don’t like letting me go all out–”

“Whoa! Hey, don’t make me out to be the bad guy!” Bee snapped back, a set of hands on her hips while one balled up at the side, and the other pointed back at him. She hovered in his face and jabbed his chest. “What you do when you get in that zone is not training! It’s borderline self-harm! It is not okay! Not to mention, it leaves a rancid fucking stank in my gym!”

“Oh, fuck off ! I have to clean it up, anyway!”

“Your clones will, you mean.”

“Fucking semantics–!” Naruto threw his hand up with a frustrated snarl. It was too early to argue about this. “I’m trying to get it under control, Bee! But if you won’t honor our arrangement–!”

“ Our arrangement keeps Luci from sending you to Mammon’s fighting pits to take care of that shit ! And he only agreed to that because he saw that you were like me !” Bee’s eyes started to glow and more of Queen Bee-lzebub started to emerge from the party-loving face. “Past all that shit that Fuckwad left inside you, he could tell that your Sin matched mine ! You belong here with me, Naru-lzebub!”

“With you, sure! Not to you!” Naruto shot back with a snarl. He faintly registered the sound of his shirt tearing, but his focus was on the Sin. Even with the skewed perception his own hearing caused, he could tell his voice deepened. The ground cracked under his digitigrade feet and a darker arm pointed at the growling Sin. “You don’t fucking own me, Bee-lzebub! I humor your fucking parties, but in case you’ve forgotten, Dear Sister, I have my own fucking life to live!”

“You won’t if you keep trying to kill yourself trying to use that-that shit , you brain-dead dumbass !” Bee-lzebub flew into his face and nearly pierced his snout with her claw. He bared his teeth and snarled as she kept shouting back. “In case you’ve forgotten, you ungrateful little dipshit , you do belong to me! The Ring of Gluttony, and every-fucking-thing in it, belongs to me ! Guess what, Bro , that includes you !”

The island he once used to steady himself was crushed under his claws and their argument devolved into roars.

Vortex liked to consider himself a calm and collected individual. He’d had a series of life experience under his belt before he advanced to the status he was at. Some of the shit he’d seen would be enough to make the most experienced soldiers cry. Fuck, that wasn’t even including the loss of his eye. That shitty ‘adventure’ happened just before his sweet baby Bee flew into his life, turned it upside down and then right side up. He owed the Sin, and to some extent her lazy fuck of a brother, more than he could ever repay her.

So, whenever his Hellphone screamed with her assigned shriek, he tended to put it as priority. Thankfully, Verosika was not only used to this take, but after the breakup with her last boyfriend-slash-bodyguard, she approved of the action. It didn’t hurt that the pop star and Sin of Gluttony were friends.

“Better get that, Tex! Who knows, maybe Bee wizened up and decided to dump your ass.” Verosika teased as she and her crew took a break from the move prep to soundboard. Josh and Coco jeered while the rest of the crew snickered.

“Ha-ha, fuck you, Vee.” Vortex shook his head, smirking as he pulled his phone out and ignored the mock ‘orgy’ sounds that the crew tried to bomb his call with. The picture was a selfie of Bee curled into his chest post coitus. Vortex didn’t remember when it happened, just that it was early on. He unlocked the phone and held it up to his ear. “What’s up, babe?”

The response from the other side of the call was not coherent. Which, frankly, wasn’t usual, but also wasn’t frequent enough for him to brush it off. Snarls and roars were combined with the sounds of what he could only guess to be collateral damage. Immediately, Vortex went into work mode. He had to keep his head on, and that meant keeping calm. Even if he was worried, he knew that Bee could handle herself. She was the fucking Sin of Gluttony, after all.

“Babe? Bee? I need a sit-rep.” A particularly loud pair of shrieks caused Vortex to drop his phone and cup his hands over his ears. “ Fuck !”

All he had in his head were his own thoughts and a constant high-pitched ringing. Oh, fucking terrific, his hearing was shot. A hand carefully pressed on his shoulder and he whipped around with a snarl. Verosika stared at him, eyes worried, and he tried to follow her lips as she asked him something.

Damn, being half-blind and deaf was not doing him any favors.

“Can’t hear.” Vortex kept his voice even as best he could and closed his eyes. The migraine that was going to come after this was going to be murderous. “Should clear up in a bit. Bee’s in a fight. Sounds serious. Might be another Sin. Best course of action is to stay put. Can someone hang up my phone?”

A reassuring pat followed before he was guided to sit. Thank fuck he could still use his sense of smell. Sharp cherry-vanilla perfume, Kiki. His good eye cracked open and the succubus in question was smiling at him in relief. She rubbed his arm and made a few gestures with her fingers.

Right, her sister was born deaf. He appreciated the consideration.

“Nah, I’m good, Ki. Everyone needs to sit tight. I can’t do shit right now.” Vortex sighed. He could keep track of the crew so long as they stayed put, since without his hearing and already being down an eye put him in a huge disadvantage. Thankfully, this was just an accident and they weren’t being targeted by fans.

Something jabbed into his chest and he looked up to see Verosika holding his Hellphone out. The call had ended, and he could still use it for simple tasks if need be. Verosika pulled her own device out and tapped at the screen a few times. A message went through and once his phone vibrated, he read it. 

“Yeah, I’m sure. Our best move is to sit tight. Just let me know if a Ring goes on lockdown.” Vortex grimaced and brushed at his left ear when the ringing suddenly went intense. It died down after a second. “If she is fighting another Sin, that’ll seal it. Just-just go back to brainstorming, guys. I’m going to call a few extra hands to secure the premises–My treat, Vee.”

Verosika, who’s credit had gone to shit just before she went to rehab, smiled gratefully and leaned in–Oh, fuck. Not this again. He held a hand up and growled.

“Before this happens, because I know I can’t stop you, a warning. If any of you sick fuckers try to do anything more than scratch ...” He warned. The musical crew of Succubi and Incubi gained stars in their eyes as he resigned himself to being the crew’s emotional support animal. It wasn’t the first time this happened and it likely wouldn’t be the last.

As Verosika and Kiki started to scratch his ears, Vortex used what remained of his faltering coherency to send his girlfriend a message asking her to get in touch when the fight was over. Hopefully, Bee would get back to him soon and he could enjoy his friend and boss’s show of affection without looking too stupid.

With an irate snarl, a solitary pillar fell over just before the dust fully settled in what used to be the foyer of Bee-lzebub’s manor. Its crash was followed by a roar of pain, before a tense quiet filled the room. Two canid-like demons were across from each other, one heaved heavy breaths as she got to her feet while the other teetered on the edge of consciousness and tried to pull himself out from under the pillar that fell on him without the use of his arms.

Bee winced and glanced down at the dislocated right arm on her side, part of it was missing a good chunk in the tricep after the other demon got a good bite out of her. She grabbed the arm and grit her teeth before she forced it back into place. Then, a quick swell of power healed the chunk that was missing. She sighed and glared at the pinned demon.

“You done?” Bee asked, her eyes still red. A cautious step brought her closer, and a weak growl kept her at bay. Bee felt her shoulders slump. “Fuck–Can we stop wrecking my house now? Please ?”

Naruto snarled and his emissive white eyes narrowed before his struggles to escape his confinement renewed. The spiral-like markings that sprouted upon his ascension started to glow. She was quick to dish out another smack to the snout and fall back, the strike was sure to break his concentration, but she couldn’t be in range for any retaliation. The glowing stopped and the massive Foxfiend collapsed back under the pillar with a whine.

“Don’t give me that shit, Baby Bro! You started this!” Bee hissed. She closed her eyes and growled before she threw her arms, sans the freshly reset one, up. “Seriously, what the fuck , dude?! This is what the fuck I’m talking about! You don’t–You can’t train with that shit ! It’s killing you!”

“D-Di d...it...o nce ...” The deep rumble of his true demonic form was faltering. Great. Bee won. If only she wasn’t sore and her house wasn’t a fucking wreck in the making. This is why she preferred partying to fights; at least a party only had furniture damage and most of the structural stuff was superficial. When she had to fight, repairs tended to get expensive, if not turned into full on renovation projects. And that was with her trying not to get serious.

She liked her house, thank you very much!

“Yeah, and you fucking died then!” Bee argued. With another growl she resumed her approach and dropped down to sit beside the little idiot. He curled his lip and she flicked the edge of his nose. “Fuck off with that tough guy crap. Fight’s over. I won.”

Naruto growled once more before he looked away from her. Bee sighed and used her top right hand to clear some of the dried blood out of her adjacent eye. The left reached out and pressed into his shoulder. He turned to snarl at her again, but her other left hand caught his muzzle with ease.

“I’m helping you revert, you little shit. Just relax, okay?”

He snorted but let his eyes close and she guided him in putting his monstrous demonic reserves in check. His fur lightened from the darker hue it gained and he started to shrink down. By the time it was done, the pillar’s cracked structure gave and parted to either side of him. Bee let out another huff and looked down at the ungrateful brat she took in.

Half-lidded blue eyes glared at the wall across from him, his limp and broken arms rested at his side. One leg looked slightly malformed – she’d have to get some of her ‘Royal Honey’ out to fix that – and the fur on his tail started to grow back. Bee sighed and pulled at the remnants of the shirt that remained.

“Well, there’s another priceless piece of Verosika memorabilia that you’ve destroyed. Do you have a less famous artist you want to promote in your spare time? I’ll bet their merch is cheaper.”

“Fuck...off.”

“Oh, for the love of–” Bee scowled and swatted the younger demon on the top of his nose.

“Ow, shit!”

“Grow the fuck up!” Bee glared at him. He scowled back for a second before she flared her power. “I will put you in the fucking ICU, Bro! Don’t test me!”

“Way to show you care.”

“Believe it or not, I like having you around, Naru.” Bee huffed. She adjusted herself and then pulled his head into her lap. Her claws stroked through blood-stained fur, gently parting the clumps, and tweaked a spot by the base of his ear. “You can be a loudmouthed, arrogant, stubborn little shithead sometimes–”

“I feel the love.”

“ But ,” Bee ignored his grumbled interjection, “You put up with my shit. You help me stay on course, you don’t let me go too party-crazy; and I’m super grateful for that. Trust me, if you think I’m bad, I can get fucking worse.”

“The nightmare.” Naruto snorted. His eyes drifted shut and a soft rumble started when her left hand reached under to catch his sweet spot at the base of his jaw. Bee grinned as he tried to fight back the purr that stuttered about in his chest. “Not...cool.”

“Deal.” Bee snorted. She enjoyed scratching her adorable ‘baby brother’ and waited until she felt the first twitch of his floofy tail. Sure enough, another second of resistance passed before he succumbed to her affectionate scratches. Bee closed her eyes and went over the events of the night after the party ended, the argument that led to this. Another sigh parted her lips and she stopped abusing his body’s weakness to let him regain some semblance of clarity.

“...Why’d ja stop?”

“Look.” Bee twisted and cradled the Foxfiend’s head in her good set of hands so they could look eye-to-eye. “I get it. No, I do get it, Baby Bro. You’ve got an unhealthy fixation, rooted in something connected to our Sin. But the training, and this...that shit ? It’s not good. And yeah, ha-ha, we’re in Hell, but seriously. When I say every resident in the Ring of Gluttony belongs to me, I mean that in the sense that I don’t like it when other people go breaking my shit . People or possessions, same diff.”

He growled at her and his eyes flashed white. Bee rolled her eyes.

“You don’t like it, I know . I get that , too. I wasn’t always Queen Bee, Baby Bro, I know what its like to be a possession. To an extent, I still am. Just… with more freedom and responsibility and shit.” She leveled him with a look. “Part of that is making sure you don’t fuck up and get on Luci’s bad side.”

“Yeah.” He huffed, a flake spittle of nearly dried blood landed on the ground. “‘Cause I’m so scared of that little clown .”

“Naru-lezbub, do not take Lucifer lightly. He was the first to rise up and the first to be cast down.” Bee warned. He grumbled his doubts, stubborn little bastard. Resigned to let him keep his low opinion of Morningstar, for now, she patted him on the cheek. “I’m skipping tracks, the point is; You belong to me . It’s the truth, and it sucks ,” she paused and shrugged. “Well, for you, I guess it does–But! But ! It could always be a whole lot fucking worse .”

“Oh, yeah? How ?” His gaze narrowed and she arched a brow. Oh, he wanted her to prove it?

“Well, for starters, you could be Ozzie’s personal pet bitch . Ridden and fucked on every night of the days that end in ‘Y’.” Bee deadpanned. Naruto opened his mouth, closed it, and then let out a resigned sigh as his ears went flat. Bee smirked and scratched his jawline to get the purrs going again. “Yeah, I figured you’d prefer this arrangement.”

Her sweet, stupid, little baby brother couldn’t argue that. Maybe it was because it was a good point that he couldn’t refute, or, more likely, it was because she’d all but shut down his higher brain functions by targeting his sweet spot. Regardless, the fight was over, Bee won! All that came next would be rebuilding her place and then punishing the foolish little Foxfiend in her lap.

Perhaps Tex was onto something. Maybe it was time he got an actual job outside of being her first choice in labor. Out of the Ring. Unsupervised, without a guarantee he’d not stir shit up between Sins. 

Eh, she’d have to think about it.

“Alright, come on, Baby Bro.” Bee pulled him up off of the ground and carried his more or less limp body in her arms. She glanced at the cut across his spine. “Mm, probably severed. Guess we might as well go watch some of Luci’s shitty early morning tv cartoons while you heal.”

“Oh, fuck me raw with an iron rod. Can’t you just kill me instead?”

“And let you take the easy way out? No, I think not.” Bee smirked as he whined. She glanced around and spotted her phone amongst some of the rubble. She snatched it up with one of her spare hands and hummed at the sight of a fresh text. Whoops, she accidentally fight-dialed Tex. She’ll just get back to him once she gets her troublesome baby brother all set up. Which she did by dumping him none-too-gently on the mostly untouched couch.

“There you go, Baby Bro. Don’t go anywhere.”

“You’re so fucking funny , I forgot how to laugh.” The snark from the temporarily paralyzed Foxfiend caused Bee to laugh. She clicked on the television just as taller than average Imp slid out onto the screen.

“ Hey all you fuckwads out there with an axe to grind and a wallet of cash to spend; My name is Blitzø, the ‘O’ is silent, and I have a deal for you! ”

As Bee read over the message from her boyfriend, and a few others she’d missed during the fight, she occasionally glanced up at the commercial. A small smirk crossed her face. Good on this Imp for challenging the bullshit status quo. He probably couldn’t hold a job down, so he made his own, and got the backing from some noble, if that inferred portal was anything to go by. The idea of an afterlife revenge hit-squad was certainly a unique one.

I.M.P., huh? I wonder if they’re hiring. Bee thought as she sent Vortex an ‘all clear’. She glanced at her Baby Bro’s back and then made her way to her Honey-Chambers. It should be relatively unharmed by the fight.

A fire ravaged a small building in the heart of Imp City. Normally, this was nothing new to befall the mongrel denizens of Hell’s top circle. If one considered where the namesake’s kind stood in Hell’s hierarchy, it was frankly one of the lesser forms of devastation that could strike the city. Alas, this building in particular is a crucial location for one I.M.P., as it was the same building that housed their place of business.

“Well, there goes that office. I’m surprised it lasted more than a week.” Loona snorted. She pulled her Hellphone out and started searching Sinstagram for any office floor openings nearby before word of the fire spread and prices skyrocketed to even higher and more ridiculous numbers. The three idiots beside her should be so grateful she was so practically minded. Her left ear perked up when The Fatty started talking.

“When did we implement that policy, sir?”

“When you set fire to my office in front of a client , you FUCKING DIPSHIT !” Blitzø shouted as he jostled Moxxie by the collar. Loona looked up from her property hunt and smirked at the little shidiot getting his just desserts. After a hot second of assault, her adoptive parent tossed their co-worker down and covered his face. He took in a deep breath and then interlaced his hands in front of him. “Okay! Okay. It’s fine! I’m good. It’s... o-kay . We have a job. We can fix this. We can avenge Slippery, Sparkery, and Fuckboi! But to do that, first, I need somebody to please tell me that that fancy book is still intact !”

“By ‘fancy book’, I take it you mean our meal ticket to Earth?” Loona asked, feigning the innocence she hadn’t had in her body for essentially a decade. When Blitzø nodded, she twisted her hand to pull the Grimoire out of the small pocket dimension she managed to create – it was one of the most complicated, exhausting things she’d ever done, and took almost three days to ensure she got right, but she showed that stupid book’s speciest excerpt about Hellhounds and their supposed Magical Ineptitude what’s fucking what! – and held it up. “Yeah. I got it.”

“Good job, Loony! Good girl!” The pride she felt for managing a difficult spell was suddenly overwhelmed by annoyance as Blitzø cooed at her. He held out–Oh, this motherfucker is not offering her a dog treat! “You get a tweat now!”

“Piss off, Blitz.” Loona growled. She leaned back in disgust as he tossed the cookie up and just ate it . “Ugh, you’re so gross !”

“Love you, too, Loony!” Blitzø cooed up at her. He glanced around and then winked at her. “Wanna just open that portal up for daddy?”

“Some of the things you say, sir, I can never unhear.”

Ugh, and to think she agreed with The Fatty on that. Loona needed a shower. She cracked the Grimoire open and found the appropriate spell.

“Just-just go kill this bitch. Fuck.” Loona scowled as she opened the portal to Earth in a nearby alleyway. Millie and Blitzø whooped, with the latter jumping in almost instantly, and the former paused for another Blitzø-patented one-liner.

“...I fucking hate my fa–ugh, Blitzø.” Loona grumbled as she closed the portal and tucked the Grimoire away to its pocket dimension once more. She pulled her phone out and went back to searching for a new office space. As she scrolled through Sinstagram, she found a post from some loser named PartyMarty; according to his bio, he was a budding stand-up artist that had friends in the right places or some shit. Well, she could use a quick laugh, and so opened the story.

The dingo-like Hellhound’s story started with him at a party, a rave? Meh, something that wasn’t usually Loona’s scene. She was open to them, but what with her childhood and being adopted by Blitzø...Yeah, parties weren’t exactly Loona’s thing.

After that came a quick clip of–Hold on. Loona turned the volume on and swiped the story scene back.

“ Whoo! Yeah! Queen Bee’s parties’ off the chucking farts! ” The camera bounced with who Loona presumed to be PartyMarty as a loud club song drowned out all conversation. The camera stilled as a cup came into view. “ Fuck money get bitches, amirite?! Yeah! Awoo! ”

The cup disappeared with the sound of loud gulping, but the camera shifted, as if held at an angle, and showed a familiar loose, fluffy orange tail attached to a recognizable jean-clad rear pass by. The camera quickly lifted back up to focus on some crowd surfers.

She had to rewatch the story once more before she decided it was safer to think that was exactly who she thought it was.

Huh. Loona blinked as she let the story finish with a camera pan up to an unrecognizable forest before it ended. Didn’t take him to be the party type. Fuck, what was his name? Navajo? Naraku? ...Shit, it was some kind of N-name. Whatever. ...Wonder why he came up to Pride for coffee if he was just going to be at that party in...Gluttony? Is their coffee that bad? When’s the last time I had coffee? Hm...Coffee sounds like a good idea right now.

Loona nodded to herself, deciding that getting coffee was a better move than just loitering around a burnt building. Blitzø would call her when he’s ready to go. Or he wouldn’t and she’d get sole claim over the apartment. At that dark thought, Loona stopped for a moment, it felt like something just squeezed her insides, and took a moment to breathe. Another beat passed before she shook off the weird feeling that overcame her with the thought of Blitzø’s death. He was just the guy that gave her somewhere to live before she would’ve had to figure it out herself.

“Fuck. I need coffee.” Loona sighed and rubbed her head as she strode off for the nearest Hothead Cafe. Sure, the SatanFucks was closer, but Hothead had a better and (more importantly) cheaper blend. If she went back to searching for other stories that related to PartyMarty’s, that wasn’t anyone’s fucking business but her own.

Vortex whistled as he took in the damage to his girlfriend’s manor. The front doors were all but gone, and several windows were blown out. The ‘Hive’ was cracked with several of the hexagon panels missing. Furthermore, glass was everywhere along the lawn and path, and what looked like the back room’s couch was half-way through the west-wing’s wall.

He decided to make his way down here after his hearing came back about two hours ago, right as Josh was getting a few snarl-free selfies with a scratch-drunk Tex. Those photos, unfortunately for Ace, would never see the light of day. Furthermore, Vortex now owes Josh a new phone and he might have to cover the medical bill for the stitches in his hand.

“Holy shit, I thought you were just exaggerating when you said she was in a fight.” Verosika said as she stepped up beside him. Vortex sighed and rubbed his face. Against his better judgment, the entire crew invited themselves to come help Bee with whatever clean up was needed. While he dreaded it, it was obvious their help was going to be welcome.

“Hate to see the other guy.” One of the girls, who stood too far from Tex for him to identify by sound alone, muttered.

“Speak for yourself, Coco.” Ace scoffed from where he stood with an arm around Josh’s shoulders. Ah, and he identified the speaker. Bonus. “Whatever motherfucker picked a fight with Queen Bee has balls .”

“Of the gargling variety!” Josh added with a snort and Ace grinned down at him.

“Exactly.”

“Okay, as cute as your flirting is, let’s go check on Bee, huh?” Verosika suggested, giving Vortex the nudge he needed to tear his eyes away from the damage. He nodded and led the crew in. A few subtle sniffs led him to furrow his brow.

“What the fuck?”

“What?”

“I don’t smell anyone other than Bee and…” Vortex trailed off. He didn’t exactly get why Bee was against introducing her brother to Verosika when she let him make runs to other rings, but she had laid it out in front of him as soon as he got the job: under no circumstances should the two be allowed to meet. Still, it was Bee’s Ring, and her rules were her rules.

That is, until she agreed to lift them because of...well, this shitstorm.

“You? Kind of expected since you live with her most of the time.” Verosika snorted as she looked around. “Goddamn, I’ve never seen this place fucking trashed before. The parties get wild, but the clean up is–what, magic?”

“Fishing for secrets already, Vee? Not cool.”

Vortex turned and grinned as he greeted his girl with a hug. Was it a bit tighter than she was used to? Probably, but she didn’t wince so she wasn’t hurt. He was redirected to mesh his lips with hers, much to the playful gags and jeers of the crew behind him. The kiss broke before they pulled back and Vortex smiled at Bee, who cradled his face.

“Hey, babe,” She said softly. “Sorry for the scare. Not intentional.”

“Honestly? I prefer a butt-dial mid-fight than coming back to this completely unaware.” Vortex admitted before he hugged her again. “Still, apology accepted. I knew you’d be okay. Where’s–?”

“Hel-lo, snack .” Kat was the first to purr, her greeting swiftly joined by a bunch of elated Succubi and Incubi gasps. From the corner of his eye, Vortex could even see his boss had gone wide eyed and slack-jawed.

While he wondered that was about, the reaction that made him look was when he felt Bee flinch in his arms. Determined to see the cause of a reaction, Vortex pulled out of his hug to see a very cut up, and very cut, Foxfiend. See, Vortex knew that Bee’s ‘little brother’ wasn’t a total Sloth, but given that the demon never ventured out without instruction to, he never considered that the Foxfiend in question would be fit . This was only obvious to him now because the ‘layabout’ was clad in less cloth than his adoptive sister. There were even scars in places that made Vortex wonder how the fuck he survived ; one in particular was a star-burst of cream fur on the left side of his chest.

“Okay, Bee, we fixed the east wing’s hot tub, so can I rela–?” Naruto looked up and took in the many faces staring at him. Then he looked at Bee, brows furrowed and lip curled. “You did not schedule a party tonight, did you?”

AN: Whoo! Ch 2, done in record time! Got a fire under my ass, atm, and I’m riding it! ...God, I hope it’s nothing contagious.

(Also, apologies to anyone named Marty. Nothing against you, personally, the name just fits.)

Thanks for reading, and remember!

It’s just fucking fan -fiction

Chapter Text

Honestly, Naruto wasn't avoiding Vortex intentionally. He fucked up the house and he got his ass kicked, so yes, he was expecting to have to throw hands with 'The Boyfriend' at some point. However, that had to wait, as he had to be punished for his 'insubordination'. Part one of his punishment, once he'd healed, was to go around the house and do what he could to fix the damage. Part two was still pending.

Of course, part one got put on hold once Tex and motherfucking Verosika "One-Body-Fuck-Party" Mayday showed up with her entire Lust-born Crew. Once their, er, introductions were made – during which, the room reeked of arousal and desire; two things that Naruto never got much of a taste for in his time as Bee's 'Baby Brother' – he was allowed to delegate Part One's punishment to his horde of clones. At least this batch had the common sense not to start any shit right after the original got his ass handed to him on seven different platters.

Oh, and, that horde he delegated his punishment to? Yeah, he oh-so-fucking stupidly created in the grand view of an entire crew made up of Succubi and Incubi. It was like serving freshly made chum to an ocean of hungry sharks; Naruto was on the run from that moment on, shouts of "Dibs!" followed his departure and Bee's laugh put her right the fuck back on his list of people who earned his wholehearted, fucking malificent Vengeance. Thank the faceless, silent, questionably-omniscient God for the substitution technique. If not for that, Naruto would likely be suffering a severe fucking deficiency in multiple vitamins and life force.

So, tired and hungry from spending the past four-now-five hours on the run from an eager group of sex demons that wanted the one fucking card he was allowed to bring with him to the afterlife, he sought a refuel break in the second kitchen. It was a bonafide miracle that it remained untouched from his and Bee's "little squabble," as she called it. Of course, this detour caused him to lower his guard. Low and behold, as he ducked into the fridge to get something cold and extremely alcoholic to drink from the back, he was caught by a member of the Crew.

Thankfully, it was the only one that wanted a piece of him in a non-sexual manner.

"You look like shit."

"Fuck you, Vore-Tex." Naruto sighed as he pulled a bottle of Beelzejuice out and shut the fridge. He turned to glare at the Hellhound – the fucker wasn't even glaring at him, just watching him. Stoic and calm, like nothing about the situation bothered him. Not aloof, thank Christ because the last thing Naruto needed was to run into some that acted like his old sensei after so fucking long – and flicked the bottle's cap off. He took a swig, enjoyed the bitter sting of Bee's most popular product, before he sniffed and rolled his neck. "So, now what? You wanna go a round or two? Get back at me for leaving Bee with a shiner for all of three fucking seconds?"

"Bee's a big girl." Ha, yeah, play it cool. The irritation wafted off of the Hellhound was like an Akamichi's fart. It may not be loud, but it can fill a room and it is deadly. "Besides, she already got you back for that."

"No shit she did." Naruto snorted and took another swig before he leaned against the counter. "Basically paralyzed me from the neck down for three fucking hours and forced me to suffer through those godawful motherfucking public access shows on her television for two of 'em."

"...I'd say I sympathize, but frankly, I don't want any fucking part of that." Vortex admitted with a wince. Naruto raised his bottle in recognition of his small win. Not many wanted to suffer that punishment in Hell. He was mid-sip when the bodyguard spoke again. "So, did you think about it?"

"...Public access television? Kinda hard not to when you can't move." He snorted. Vortex glared at him.

"I meant, if you thought about what I said yesterday."

"In case you forgot, dickhead, a lot of shit went down between then and now." Naruto deadpanned. Vortex curled his lip and swallowed the growl that just barely came out.

"Do you want me to take a swing at you or something?"

"I mean, no? But if it helps you relax, go for it." The Foxfiend shrugged. Weirdly enough, violence was one of the few things he understood. Conversation through combat, Satan called it. A lost art or some shit. He was quite fluent, despite the time between his last life and this one, and was able to navigate such a type of conversation with inhabitants of Wrath almost as easily as he did with those of Gluttony.

"I'm not taking a swing at you."

"Cool. Good talk. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to get back to avoiding your fuckbuddies." Naruto huffed.

With a snarl that shook the fine china in the cabinets, the Hellhound shot to his feet and slammed his hands on the table. Naruto tensed, ready to retaliate if he were to be leapt at. The two stared each other down before Tex closed his eyes and took a deep breath. Tension bled out of the large hound's shoulders.

"You are...A loud, annoying, little shitheel–"

"Thank you." Naruto once more toasted with a half-serious smile on his face. The irritation was more resigned now, and the brief flare of anger was gone nearly as soon as it appeared. Hm, maybe this guy really didn't stay pissed like Bee said. At least he saw why she was so interested in him now.

Outside of the "great dick", anyway.

"But, you stood your own against a significant fraction of the Sin of Gluttony's full power. That, on its own, is ...impressive." Vortex straightened up and worked his jaw. "Do you want a job?"

"...I'm sorry, what?" Naruto blinked and nearly dropped his drink. That certainly wasn't where he expected the conversation to go. He'd expected a punch to be thrown somewhere between fifteen to ten minutes ago. Shit, he still expected a punch.

"Okay, my bad. I should have guessed that you might still be a little concussed after my girl whooped your ass." This smartassed sisterfucker just said that to him with a straight face. Dammit, Naruto actually respected him more for it. He knew that he couldn't say that to someone without bursting into laughter mid-sentence. "So, I'll say it again slowly. Do...you...want...a job?"

"Me? A glorified babysitter?" Naruto asked and crossed his arms. He closed his eyes and willed his tail not to swish. Memories of all sorts raced through his head all at once. A snowy-land turning to spring as a giant little girl cried out her dream to a faceless parent; walking across long-spanning beaches beside a convoy of royals; standing atop an unfinished bridge beside his friend to protect a drunk of a bridge builder. These and others filtered in and out of Naruto's mind's eye, but they were pushed back. The Beelzejuice bottle was brought up to his lips and he swallowed another good portion.

"Ahh…" He sighed, hung his head and scratched his ear. A snort escaped him before he started snickering. "You...You want me to be a bodyguard?! To who? Those chucklefucks that have been harassing me? Fuck you!"

"No, not them. I can handle my 'fuckbuddies'." Vortex scoffed. Well, okay, Naruto was definitely willing to hear him out now. That was a brilliant turnaround. Call-back? Whatever, Vortex made a dumb joke, and he was tipsy enough to enjoy it. "But bodyguarding is a profitable gig. And when Bee backs your resume–"

"You mean, if." Naruto interjected flatly. He looked down at the bottle in his claw and a scowl formed on his face. "She might not want to share her 'pet'."

"Alright, I let a lot slide with you, but that shit? That will get you fucking smacked." Vortex warned around a growl. "Do not talk about Bee that way."

"Oh, fuck off, you STD-riddled mutt." Naruto rolled his eyes and set his drink on the counter. He crossed his arms again to stare the scowling Hellhound down. "It's something that came up after I got my 'ass kicked'. It's a Sin thing. You wouldn't understand."

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?" Vortex scowled. Oh, this stupid dog had no idea what kind of world they were in. Naruto knew; he'd been part of it for a lot longer than the Hellhound had been.

"Ask Bee." Naruto shrugged. He stretched and rocked his neck from one side to the next. "Now, maybe you're onto something with the babysitting gig, and, tell you what, you get Bee to let me get a license for it? Sure, I'll babysit some rich fuck's silver-spoon sperm-child."

"...Are you serious?" Vortex growled.

"Dead. Ass." Naruto nodded. He let out a yawn. "Fuck, I'm tired. Tell Bee I'm going to sleep some more. She'll find me if she needs me."

Naruto wasn't even out of the room when the Hellhound stopped him again.

"I don't fucking get you, Naru-lzebub." Vortex admitted. Oof, busted out his 'true' name, this was heartfelt honesty. "You are probably the one fucking thing I don't - that I can't get about Bee. I don't understand why she gives a shit about you, but for some fucking reason, she does."

"...Yeah, she does. Lucky me, amirite?" He asked, the smile he wanted to bear wouldn't reach his ears. Tex shifted behind him and the familiar sharp sting of aggression assaulted his nose.

"The fucking second that changes–"

"You bring the chips, I'll pack a basket. It's a date."

A silence held between the two before Vortex huffed out a laugh and strode out of the room in the other direction.

"Sleep light, asshole."

"Yeah, yeah." Naruto waved at him without looking back. Memories of mortals that controlled the elements and used big-ass, fuck-that-entire-field-in-particular animals to fight continued to dance in front of his closed eyes. "Fuck you, too, Vore-Tex."

Days had passed since the fire almost put Immediate Murder Professionals' budding business out. The money from the following gig helped cover repairs and the replacement of most of the supplies that were lost. It had been mostly quiet since then and the excitement of that job had more or less made one particular member of I.M.P. able to make plans for an evening she wanted to celebrate alone.

Loona had been surfing Sinstagram for a good dive bar to celebrate the minute she woke up. Yeah, it was Hell, and there wasn't a drinking age, but there was a drinking limit for certain species at certain ages because they couldn't afford to allow extinction due to inebriation to strike lest Lucifer have nothing to rule over or some shit.

Anyway, her birthday plans mostly consisted of ditching the idiots at I.M.P. and rocking it out as a recognized adult in her species' culture. As for how, well, Millie and her Fatty hubby were going to be easy; they knew each other for less than a year. Their fucks about what she did outside of work were at absolute zero, and Loona was more than fine to share the mutual feeling. It was Blitzø that would remember something about today, that part she was sure on. After all, he'd gotten pretty fucking good at annoying her for the past four years. He'd ruin whatever chance she had at expanding her circle of friends aside from him (and, tentatively, the smarter half of their fucking married coworkers) by bringing himself along whenever she tried to sneak out, but she was ready this year.

While the Imp was on one of his correspondences with their rich DTF-y benefactor (insert full-body shudder here), Loona had acquired some horse tranquilizers that she planned to slip into his weekly breakfast coffee. Why did she choose to get equine medication? Well, for one thing, they were the cheapest thing at the market, damn near free out of a vending machine, and the other reason was just for the fucking irony of it. Yeah, it might take a few hours before he actually drank the essentially roofied drink, but he would be more or less out of her hair, coat and life for the foreseeable evening.

All in all, Loona was ready for a perfect, Imp-less, day.

Alas, she underestimated the overcompensating swell of compassion her adoptive father was capable of.

Loona yelped when the door to her room was kicked open and a large, asymmetrical thing was brought in, held above the Imp assassin's head by both of said Imp's arms. Heart racing, the Hellhound snarled and glared glowing daggers at the Imp. Before she could properly cuss him out, he opened his mouth.

And, much to her horror and that of their neighbors, began to sing.

"Ha-a-a-a-appy birth-day, too you! Ha-a-a-a-p-py birth-day, to-o-o y-o-ou! Ha-a-a-a-appy birth-day, Dear Loon-e-e-e!" Blitzø sang, slightly off-key, way out of tune, and more like the fucking wedding march than the actual goddamn song. Furthermore, he was stumbling slightly, clearly struggling to carry that monstrosity he had in his hands.

Fucking Christ! He could make a deaf guy cringe! Loona whined as she covered her head with a pillow and turned into the mattress. She felt her tail curl into her legs and squeezed her eyes shut. Nope. She could still hear him.

"Ha-a-a-a-appy bi-i-irth-da-a-ay-yeee-yay, too-o-oo!" Blitzø stopped singing – mercies never fucking cease! – for a minute to not only catch his breath but to set the giant thing down on the floor. And he didn't drop it? Okay, she had to give him a little bit of credit for that. She looked at the sloppy icing job that, uh...maybe it once resembled the number twenty-one in a crackhead's fever dream. Before she could try to get him out of her hair, he fucking started singing again.

"Yo-o-oo-o-o-o-oo-o-ou~!"

Blitzø held his hands out to the side, a giant stupid grin on his face as he looked at Loona expectantly and heaved for breaths. Fucking typical, seeking validation from her. She scowled at him and dropped her pillow on the mattress.

"What. The actual. Fuck?!"

"...I-It's your birthday?"

"Yeah! My birthday! My twenty-first birthday! You think I want you to fucking barge in here, deafen me and put this-this...what the fuck even is this shit on the floor?!" Loona threw the thing a foul glare, sniffed and then focused that glare back on Blitzø. "Is that...Did you take the rest of that stupid fucking cake?! You brought home weeks old cake, barged into my room at bullshit early in the morning and started assaulting me with that fucking song!?"

"I…I, uh…"

"I fucking told you to stop treating me like I'm a goddamn child!"

"...I just...I thought you might…"

"Yeah, well, that was your fucking mistake, wasn't it?!" Loona snarled. She groaned and held her head. "God-dammit, Blitzø, I just–One day! Is it too fucking much to ask!? Just let me have this one fucking day!"

"Do...Do you want today off, Loony-er, Loona?" Blitzø asked, correcting himself at her glare. His words sank in and Loona blinked. Day off? ...Holy shit, did she just score a day off?! A reasonable excuse to get the fuck away from the idiot brigade?!

"...Yeah. You know what? Yes! I'm taking today off." Loona leaned in and growled at Blitzø. "And if I see you anywhere near me today–!"

"Can... we celebrate tomorrow?"

"If I. See you. Anywhere. Near me. Today." Loona reiterated as her fury grew. Blitzø put his hands together in a single clap and ...fucking smiled at her? What the fuck was wrong with this guy?

A question she's been asking herself for the past four years since she was adopted. There was still no answer.

"Okay, Loony-toony. Today's your day." Before she could stop him, he launched himself at her and put her in a tight hug that had her baring her teeth. What fucking part of her not seeing him did he think not touching her wasn't included!? Worse yet, he planted a kiss on her cheek —just, fucking no!— before he pet her bed head! The asshole! "You have a good day today, birthday girl. Because tomorrow? Tomorrow is our day."

"J-Just...Get. The Fuck. Out." Loona growled. She wasn't sure how she'd lost this fight, but it certainly felt like she did.

Just as suddenly as he had exploded into her life, into her room, Blitzø was gone. Loona stood alone in the room, silently seethed, and reached up to drag claws through the fur on her face. Once to straighten it out, a second time to graze the skin beneath, and a final time to get that sweet rush of danger-fight-defend adrenaline most sentients got whenever something got too close to their face. She closed her eyes and let out a long, heavy sigh mixed with a final tired grow and let her arms drop.

"Thank merciful Lucifer, he's gone." She muttered. She was about to climb back into bed when something occurred to her.

I can save the Horse Tranquilizer for another day.

Loona smirked at the thought and flopped back on her bed. Maybe the morning hadn't been ruined. She could relax, find a dive bar for later, and then go get a Vanilla Latte. Alone. And while she drank that, she could plan another day to knock Blitzø out. Yep. This was going to be a good day.

Two red eyes opened to look at the ceiling and immediately, the Hellhound scowled.

"It hasn't even been ten fucking minutes."

Blitzø flinched and tried to duck back into the vent he was half-climbing out of. The attempt didn't go well. He fell with a yell and hit the floor with a thump. Rebounded like a fucking champ though, another bit of credit Loona begrudgingly gave him: He was like a fucking cockroach. Then he hopped to his feet and tried to talk to her.

"I just, uh. I just thought you'd want me to save the cake...for...tomorrow..."

Without looking at him, Loona snarled.

"Get out!"

"Wow, yeah, no fucking way they make this." Naruto mused as he looked over the coffee order he'd picked up on DevilDash.

It took a day for him to convince her (which was twenty-three more hours than he wanted to deal with the Succubi and Incubi that had been brought into his 'sister's trashed home), but Vortex actually got Bee to back his application to be a bodyguard. Sure, her one condition was that she had to vet the prospective clients, but Naruto was all for that. Knowing his luck, and based on his personal experience, he'd pick a job where he was protecting the last scion of a lost Ring of Hell destined to save the world or some shit like that. So yeah, Bee could pick the baby he would be paid to sit on.

That...doesn't sound right. I better not say that aloud. Naruto's blue eyes squinted before he shook it off. Anyway, while he waited on Bee to find him a client, he picked up a simple delivery gig with DevilDash. Which, by the way is probably a fucking great idea, whatever resident of Hell came up with it must be rolling in it.

"Come on, come on, daddy needs a new tie…" A feline-like sinner had a wide grin on his face as he shook a pair of dice at a gambling table. The dice were thrown and his grin fell. "Aw, fuck me."

"Snake Eyes, house wins the pot." The snooty chimera of a Box-Sinner announced to the dismayed players stationed around the table.

"God-dammit." Husk slammed his face into the table as his last chips were taken away. He looked up with a scowl and drummed his fingers on the edge. Fuck. Where's the nearest card table when I need it?

Unaware of his inaccurate assumption, Naruto went back to reading over the order that was placed by some poor sod named Moxxie.

"Well, at least these two are definitely getting their order...Hm, wonder if I still get paid if they don't make this asshole's drink?" Naruto mused. He frowned. "They probably have a loophole that fucks me over."

Resigned to the waste of time this trip could be, he walked into the Hothead Cafe and waved at the teenaged Sinner behind the counter. They perked up and waved back. Shame about Harper, who got shot in the back by some over-eager security guard while robbing some overpriced electronics store. Naruto didn't judge, but he figured that crimes of necessity might help a case on getting into Heaven. Not that he wanted to go there, no, he gave up on that longshot dream a long-ass time ago.

"Harper, hey! How's it going?" Naruto asked, grinning at them once he got to the counter. Harper grinned back, or at least, he was pretty sure they did.

"D-Doing good, Mr. Lzebub, s-sir."

"For the last time, Harper, it's Naruto. I'm not even picking up for Bee today." Naruto shook his head. He looked at his Hellphone. "I got a pickup for a…Moxxie?"

"Oh, er, yeah. That. Um…" Harper shrank in on themself and wrung their hands. "I...Look, we can swing the other two drinks easy, but...the one for, um, Moxxie–"

"I know. It's ridiculous." The Foxfiend leaned on the counter and looked at the order. Some people were just plain assholes. Shaking his head, he looked away from the phone screen and met Harper's nervous gaze. "Tell you what, make him a regular coffee and get everyone back there to spit in it."

"Y-you want me to-to…P-purposefully get a cu-customer's order wrong?!" Harper gulped. Oh, this poor, sweet Summer child didn't deserve to be down here.

"No, no, no-no-no-no-no." Naruto waved a hand as his tail flicked. He grinned. "It's a prank! A harmless prank, on some schmuck, who thinks he's too good to order off your company's menu. I mean, come on, you read this fucking thing, right? Who drinks soy milk in Hell?"

"...I...I guess that's a good point." Harper chewed their lip. "A-Alright, just...just give me a minute."

"No rush. I'll be here." Naruto waved off with a grin as his tail swished through the air. He adjusted the setting on his current order and stepped to the side to let the next customer through. He looked through his messages and checked the once more active group chat he had with Cerb, Herb, and Russ. The guards to the lowest Gates of Hell were back on shift after their century-long vacation, and there were already complaints coming in from the whiniest of the trio. He'd have to find a way to send them something nice, maybe use a favor from Bee?

Four fists barreled into his snout, he caught an arm in his teeth and ripped it out of its socket.

...Or he could wait until she got him an actual gig, maybe a prospective client would have more connections they'd be willing to use. Yeah, probably a better idea to do that.

"Fucking just hurry it up, alright? I'm not spending my whole day here." Wow, someone needed their fix and bad. Naruto would just stay out of their way and wait for his order – "Oh, shit. It's you again."

He looked up from his phone and his ears rose with his brows. A grin spread across his face.

"Hey! It's…" —please get this right, please get this right, please get this right— "Loona, right?" He asked. Her ears perked and she pushed some hair out of her eyes. Hm, weird. Tex's eyes looked closer to a light burgundy whereas Loona's were...shit, they were damn near crimson. They were really pretty eyes; he'd always had an appreciation for a nice hue of red. It was a shame she didn't want to go out with him. Ah well, c'est la vie; he could at least be cordial with her..

"Right. And you're...Na-waki?" She asked, wincing as she did. To his credit, Naruto managed to stifle the first snort, but the more it replayed in his head, it was all too certain that he'd lost the battle to his laughter. Which he did. Thankfully, Loona didn't take it too poorly — the non-existent counter for an absence of Sakura-chan-level freak outs just hit seven digits, motherfuckers! Whoo! — even though she seemed a bit off. "Wait, fuck, sorry. I'm...Not...good with names."

"No, i-it's fine. My name's weird, even by Hell's shit standards." He waved her off once he recomposed himself. He leaned against the wall and looked up at the ceiling with a small smile. Another chuckle trickled out as he ran a hand over his head. "Hot damn. Nawaki... holy shit, that's a name I haven't heard in a long time."

"Then, uh, what is your name?" Loona fished, hand on her hip, the other fiddling with her phone, while she avoided looking at it. Naruto glanced back at her and weighed the options he had. Prime time for a prank, or he could be genuine... Yeah, this was a no brainer; he already had a prank in the making for that Moxxie guy. The worst Loona did was turn him down and she was far from the first girl to do that.

"Naruto." He offered with a small smile. She mouthed the name before she smiled back.

"Na-ru-to?"

"There you go." He grinned. She looked away and played with her phone a bit. He expected it to end there, so he started to let his mind drift back to the name Nawaki and those connected to it. Then, Loona continued talking to him.

"So…is this another coffee run for your friend?"

Translation: Should I even waste my time waiting for a drink here?

"Not for a friend, but it is a coffee run." He shrugged. He gestured to the spot beside him as a large rotund Sinner that looked like some kind of fish made his way to the front of the line. Once Loona was comfortable on the wall beside him, Naruto continued, holding his phone up for emphasis. "It's a small gig with DevilDash. Gotta keep myself busy until I land a real job."

"Oh?" Loona arched her brow. She reached up to play with the bit of her hair that fell over her eyes – can't say he blamed her for that, it looked soft. "What, uh, what do you do?"

"Hopefully, bodyguarding." Naruto chuckled at the blink she gave in turn. "Yeah, I know. I look like I'm a twig compared to most Hellhound guards."

"I...Never made that correlation." Well, at least she wasn't lying outright. "You don't, uh...I'd thought with the dye…"

Hm, was she uncomfortable? Did discomfort have a scent or was it a mix? Was that something he could smell? He had to run that by Bee–Wait, hold up.

"Dye?" Naruto asked, crossing his arms. Must not touch head. Must not touch head. Must not touch head.

His…unique hair was similar to his 'sisters', in that it was a deviation from Hell's norm and that it drew criticism whenever the opportunity arose. Granted, the most he got were complaints about a 'mane' or 'birds nest' in the form of the few thirsty papers of fan mail from a decision he made many years ago.

"Your, um, coat?" Loona winced and her tail curled around her legs—Eyes up, Naruto. That counter is still going strong. "Is-is that, uh, rude? Sorry, I was...I grew up in an orphanage and, outside of the typical behavior lessons, there's not a lot of, uh, Hellhound etiquette, y'know."

Orphan.

Dead-Last.

Loser.

Idiot!

"I'm not." Naruto huffed with a flare of his nostrils. Loona stared at him, a brow slowly rising up while her eyes narrowed and one of her ears flicked. Hm, agitation and confusion was a bitter combination. Her scent was better with the 'vibes' she had before—He shook his head to focus on the here and now. "Sorry, I meant...I'm not a Hellhound."

"...Huh?" Loona tilted her head and–Oh, merciful Lucifer, spare him. That's not fucking fair. She can't be hot and adorable.

"I'm not a Hellhound." He reiterated. Her brows furrowed and her eyes darted around before she came to some decision. She leaned in and, at his nod when she looked up at him to confirm, sniffed. Her face seemed to relax for a second before her brow furrowed again and she gently shook herself while she pulled away. Maybe it was a silent sneeze? Yeah, it's about that time of year. She looked back up at him with an arched brow.

"...You're sure?"

"Pretty sure." Naruto chuckled. "Know a few, though. So maybe you smell them?"

Loona kept staring at him. He shifted from one foot to the next and his right ear flicked. Her brow scrunched up before it relaxed and she gave a slow nod.

"Maybe." Pretty red eyes glanced back up into his blue. "But...If you're not a Hellhound–?"

"Kind of an off-shoot. Lucifer called my kind 'Foxfiend'. Real original, right?" He smirked when she huffed out a small laugh.

"If you're in preschool, maybe."

"Well, you didn't hear this from me, but…" Naruto made a show of checking their surroundings – none of the patrons of the Hothead Cafe could give two shits, but still it was all about the performance – before he leaned in and mumbled out of the side of his mouth. "My friends and I sometimes call him the Head Brat In Charge, y'know."

The others wouldn't say that to the Head of Hell's face, but Naruto and a few Sins? Yeah. Bee might, depends on how 'iffy' Luci tasted that day.

"Fuck off." Loona let out a light laugh. Or was it a giggle? Girls giggled, right? He made a girl giggle. He made a girl giggle!

Fuck, yes! Suck on a fat sloppy pig cock wherever you are in the afterlife, Ino! Naruto made a girl laugh at his dumb joke!

"On my life, I swear it's the truth." He promised, smiling as he put a hand over his chest. He opened his mouth to say something else when his name was called.

"Mr. Lze–erm, N-Naruto? I, uh, I got your pickup for Moxxie!"

"And that's me. Nice to see you again, Loona." Naruto shrugged and smiled at Loona. He went up to the counter to gather the order and grinned at Harper. "All set?"

"M-made to your s-specifications, sir. I just…" The Germ-like Sinner leaned in close. "T-To get comp-compliance, I, er, I had to drop your, erm, name."

Mm, the infliction on the word implied his 'true' name's use. Whatever, this prank was worth it.

"That's alright. Thanks, Harp."

"I'm not a Hellhound."

Not a Hellhound?

What.

The.

Fuck.

He wasn't–Naruto wasn't a Hellhound? The flying fuck is a Foxfiend? Offshoot? She'd never heard of them before. How could he be so low key?

As her mind raced, Loona went back through how the day had progressed to this point after Blitzø ruined her morning. She stayed in bed for another hour - just to make sure the Imp actually left for his job and wasn't planning to stalk her again - before getting up and coming out to Hotheads for a Latte. Another wait this time, but given the amount of people this early she wasn't terribly surprised. Then, low and behold, he was here again.

The Orange Hellhound.

Initially, she had the same reaction to him as before - surprise, indifference, slight interest in his scent - and then she remembered he was also an idiot. Cute, sure, but still an idiot. So, she almost didn't feel bad for not remembering his weird name, Nawarudo or whatever.

And then he got her name right on the first try.

Sure, it could be argued he overheard it when she placed her order, but regardless of that, she still felt a small bit of shame when she couldn't remember his name. It wasn't like being an idiot made you a bad person — yeah, yeah, ha-ha, it's Hell. Whatever and fuck off — just sometimes it made you really fucking annoying. That said, when an idiot could remember your name, the least you could do is try to return the courtesy. Then, she fucked up his name…

And he laughed.

What the Fuck. Her stomach felt tight from the sound. What the Fuck. Her face threatened to burn, her ears were already warm. What the fuck, what the fuck, what the cum-guzzling, STD-riddled, cheap-assed actual fuck?

It felt like, like…She didn't know what it was, exactly, but she'd felt it before and had smothered it then. She can do it again.

Okay, maybe it's just his laugh. She can get over that. It was easy. Maybe if she found the major flaw that failed to check her boxes. So, she quickly checked him out at the right opportunity.

Mistakes were made.

His left arm had a bandage around it and his Mayday May Daze Tour shirt was swapped out for a once-sleeved-now-sleeveless shirt that read 'Satan Seis Suffering iS Strength!'. And wow, damn. The orange Hellfox-er, the Fiendhound…Fuck it, Naruto was cut.

His fur coat wasn't too thick for her to pretend that she couldn't see the definition he had hidden under his flimsy-ass shirt. The bandages around his stomach were mildly intriguing and the various slashes of cream fur scattered about his orange coat made her curious.

Alright, well that failed. What next?

His job! What's he do? He's gotta do something she wouldn't find interesting. He's a…Bodyguard? Okay, crap, that checked a whole series of boxes for her, most of which were caused by instinct. His visible scars spoke volumes — Loona's own employer dealt in death, and it wasn't like she wasn't blooded from her time in The Kennel — about what he'd done, even if she didn't have the full story. Still, it was a job she found interesting. Mind you, his lean build would be useful for all of a second before someone blew a hole through him and the sucker he was paid to stand in front of.

Loona swallowed the snort that thought brought up. Doing so gave her another whiff of violets. Damn, that definitely stirred up the same weird feeling that his dumb laugh did. Not as strong as the big scent he let her sneak (she had to fight herself really hard not to react to that). Hot fuck, violets shouldn't have this effect on her. Right? …Maybe?

Whatever, his cologne was too strong for her own good and his eyes were so fucking pretty she wanted to die, and his stupid grin was too bright and his dumb jokes weren't funny, but she fucking giggled at them! Giggled!

What the fuck?!

Maybe this was a charm? Well, if you asked the Grimoire that belonged to The Ars Goetia, then no. Hellhounds have no magical aptitude. Fucking speciest book. Loona had to find a better book one day. Learn actual magic and all that shit.

(Not to mention prove that she wasn't weird for having these reactions to some guy she met all of twice!)

"And that's me." Wait, what? Loona managed to focus - goddamn stupid flower smell, fuck you for smelling so nice! - just as Naruto grinned at her again. "Nice to see you again, Loona."

Then he turned away to head to the desk and, yep. Goddammit, this was the nail in the coffin for her.

He had a cute ass.

…This wasn't a charm, was it?

Fuck.

"Later-!" "Pickup for Lunar?!" When did he get to the door? Shit. Her drink was ready, right? Loona practically leapt at the counter, where she met that dumb fucking germ-like Sinner again.

"Vanilla Latte-?"

"Yep, mine, thanks and fuck off." Loona snatched the drink out of the amoeba Sinner's hand(?) and dropped a wad of cash on the counter. "Keep the change, fuckface, you need it!"

She practically tore out of Hotheads' and scanned the street. Where did he-? How the f-Bingo! Swishy, bushy tail and cute ass, three o'clock. She just had to not look like she was chasing him — okay, why in the flying fuck did that idea turn her on? That had to be a Hellhound thing that the orphanage didn't cover.

Seriously, though. Don't be weird. She did her makeup okay today, right? Yeah, it had to look good. She'd had time to bother with it for once without Blitzø bothering her. Keep it cool, Loona. Just casual. You want to know more about him, that's all. Then you can get on with your birthday celebration.

"Hey, hold up!" Shit, how was he walking so fast? Did he have long legs? Yes, upon looking he did have long legs, and yep, that was still a cute ass. ...Wait. Shit! Up, eyes!

There we go.

Fuck, his eyes were pretty. Like two little sapphires. Damn, she would have killed to have eyes like those when she was younger, maybe then someone would've adopted her before Blitzø–Mm, that thought brought a weird feeling around. It wasn't quite the weird warm feeling being around Naruto gave her, but it was still a feeling Loona didn't like.

"Huh? Oh, heading this way, Loona?" He asked and shit, the more he said her name the more she liked it.

Quick, act aloof and nonchalant! No, wait, you just ran to catch up with him. That'll make you look stupid. Wait, he's an idiot, try to be clever! …Okay, well, shit, how would Blitz—Nope! Fuck it, just be cool!

"Er, y-yeah." Goddammit. Do better, Loona! "I mean, yeah. Why not, uh, walk with company instead of alone?"

Ugh, so lame.

"I feel that." He nodded. Fuck, yes. Nailed it, first try. Wait…What did she nail? "Sucks to be alone on days like today."

Loona looked up at the clear red sky.

"It's…not raining?"

Wow, way to state the obvious.

"I mean, it's so nice out!" He gestured around them as his weird tail swished once behind him. He grinned as he looked at the same shithole Imp City she was slightly ashamed to live in. "It's lively, and that's so rare, even in Hell. More people should get outside on days like today. You don't even have to really do anything. Just be outside."

How in the fuck did this guy just make that slew of crap sound enjoyable?

"You…really are a people person, huh?"

"Eh, it depends on the people, really." His stupid grin turned to her, and she felt her face get warm again. Fuck, this was not helping her keep her cool. "So, what's your plan for the day?"

"Uh, well…" Loona looked around. Buy time, do not tell him it's your birthday, and— why the hell does that blightpost and missing child sign look so familiar? Wait, who is his order for? No, fuck it—Why did she care? Answer: she didn't. He had a question, right? Shit, that's right. Well, answer it, Loona! "Kind of making it up as I go."

"Ah, spontaneous adventure." He nodded in understanding. "That can be a mixed bag sometimes."

"I mean," Loona brushed her bangs out of her face. "I know I want to end the day at a bar."

"A bar?"

Hey, what just-? Whoa, wait, did his tail just accidentally swat her leg like a whip? She glanced back and, wow. That—Okay, yeah. That's just fucking cute. His tail was wriggling, not wagging. She wanted to bite it—Wait, hold on. That's weird, don't do that, Loona. Even if it seems so tempting—Focus, girl! He wanted her to confirm her plans.

"Yeah. I'm…twenty-one. Today." Oh, dammit. That just slipped out. Please don't be too young. Or, er, be preferred; she wasn't keen with those kinds of creeps. Or…Shit, was his lifespan supposed to be like hers, limited to the upper hundreds, or was he more like a higher demon with serious longevity?

Hey, that's a subject she could bring up to get his mind off of her birthday! Who doesn't like speculating about their own fucking mortality? Seriously, though, she had to find a way to bring it up, so she might as well ask—Where did he-?

Oh, he stopped walking and was staring at her. His jaw was agape — did he have a larger bite radius than her? That meant his tongue was long, right? — which seemed a bit weird to do in public. Why would he-Shit! Shit, fuck, shitty-shit-fuck-fuck! Dammit, that's right! She fucked up!

"It's your birthday?!"

"Yeah," Loona said and tried to play it off. Christ on a stick, she needed to focus on her phone! Like, right the fuck now! She tore her eyes off of the 'Foxfiend' and forced herself to stare at her phone. "It's not a big deal-"

"I'm sorry, but I'm pretty sure Twenty-One is a bonafide sacred number down here! And, it's your birthday! I just, that means-!" He stopped himself and pinched his eyes shut. A deep breath and his blue eyes seemed to find hers, damn they were hypnotic. "Sorry in advance."

Sorry for wh-Whoa! He got way too fucking close way too fucking fast and he smells way too fucking good. And, shit! Yeah, lean stick of meat Naruto might be, but judging by the non-consensual (albeit very welcomed) side-arm hug he'd pulled her into, there was one-hundred percent compact muscle beneath his coat of fur. And wow was that violet smell strong this close. She could even get a whiff of the weird scent beneath it— Just before she could identify the weird almost-but-not-coconut scent that drew her to this fucking somewhat-adorable idiot, he released her.

"Sorry, uh, about the whole…that. I just-er…I, uh, I like giving my friends hugs on their birthdays...Yeah."

Well, that was a lie, but it wasn't like Loona was going to call him out on it. Especially given that, as he chuckled, with his eyes closed and he scratched his cheek, she just fucking stared at him with a burning face like she was some kind of perverted creep. To be fair, though, he had no right to be so fucking adorable after just violating her personal space like that.

When he did look at her with those too fucking blue eyes and that goddamn dopey little smile, again, Loona felt the strong wall that in the years of her life had been built firm around her insecurities threaten to melt.

"Happy Birthday, Loona."

Ah-huh, yup. Hold on...checking...checking...and...Yep.

Loona melted.

...Fuck.

Chapter Text

"Happy Birthday, Loona."

Loona felt her ears burn and she stubbornly forced her gaze down to stare at her phone. This guy...He couldn't be fucking real. He just fucking couldn't. That-that hug was way too fucking sincere for a 'friend'! Who does that?! What kind of psychopath is so-so-so fucking nice to a bitch like her?! She pretended to scroll through Sinstagram and barely fucking managed to keep her tail still in her bid to keep a cool composure.

"Erm, thanks." Nice. Way to be a confident, badass, independent Hellhound, Loona. That's super attractive. She glanced up at Naruto, back down at her phone, up at his stupid smile, down to the screen, and then back at her phone again before she pushed a strand of hair out of her eye to meet his pretty eyes' gaze. "And uh, don't mention the uh..You know."

Solid body. Warm hug. Violet smell. Melt.

"Right, right." He chuckled as they started walking again.

When the Fuck did she agree to accompany him, or let him go with her? She should go…Do something else? What? Sit fucking alone at a bar until party hour? That's not just sad, it's fucking pathetic. This weird silence didn't help much, though. Ugh, why was it weird? Was it him? Her? It needed to stop, someone had to say something!

"So…" Oh, thank the ever-blazing fury of Satan, he didn't like the silence either, and he was willing to break it! "Going to celebrate by getting wasted?"

"Huh? Oh, uh…Yeah."

"Cool. Cool-cool-cool." Naruto nodded and looked back ahead of them. Still carrying his delivery order.

…Shit. Was she holding him up? Talk about a dick move. She could just go do something—Nope, even pretending to humor that thought left her with an uncomfortable cramp in her gut. And Loona always followed her gut. It hadn't steered her wrong yet…Even if it led her to getting picked up by Blitzø.

She glanced at him out of the corner of her eye and —She knew that building. Wait, where the fuck are they? A familiar complex that was overdue to be demolished appeared as they rounded a corner…Oh, no. Fuck. Shit. Goddammit.

She knew this building.

Why?! What the fuck did she do to deserve this bullshit?!

"Well, uh, I gotta go in and drop this off." Naruto held up what Loona now knew to be the Fatass', Millie and Blitzø's orders. …Huh, no shit, there were three cups. How'd the fuck did he talk them into making the Fatass' order?

"The Fatass-?" Shit, did she say that out loud? Don't let him know that wasn't intentional! "Oh, I guess you can see Moxxie's order?" He looked at the receipt on the bag and snorted, which, okay, fair assumption. "Yeah, hard to miss that, and you're right, they didn't want to make it initially. I, actually, uh…Promise not to tell?"

"I don't promise anything for nothing." Loona fought to curl her lips into a small smirk and not the scowl she wanted to make. She really didn't want to deal with the Trinity of Total Idiocy, but here she was, already walking through the lobby and getting in the goddamn elevator.

Come the fuck on, was she seriously low-key stalking this guy, now? The fuck!? Ugh, now she has to go into the office, just so she can look through the Grimoire one more time. There had to be some kind of charm he was using or some shit, she should not be this interested in a guy she met fucking twice! Even if he had pretty eyes, a nice smile, a cute ass and a nice scent!

"Okay, fair. I convinced Harper to make a regular and get the entire shift to spit in it." He started to snicker like an immature child and—Fuck her life. She snorted.

Okay, yeah, she had to give props to Naruto for the stupid little trick. Loona had never even considered fucking with the Fatass like that. She closed her eyes and tried to will away the image she thought up of his horrified disgust when he inevitably found out before it made her burst into laughter. She could not lose any more face than she already had – not that she cared what anyone in this shithole thought about her, but she had an image she liked to maintain.

"You don't have to follow me in, I'm just dropping it off with the customer." Naruto offered with a shrug as he walked the hallway to her place of employment.

"Well, maybe I want to see what a DevilDasher's prank looked like?" Loona refuted with a small smirk. He arched his brow.

"Why would I tell him that he's drinking a botched order?" He grinned and tapped his head. "The best part of a prank done right, is knowing you got away with it."

"Huh, that's...that's not the kind of answer I expected from you." Loona admitted with a blink of her eyes. That sounded a lot more malicious in the grand scheme. It almost sounded like it was designed to leave the recipient of the prank open to be pranked again. And now that she made that connection, yeah, that's probably exactly why Naruto thought that way. Fucking diabolical.

"I aim to surprise." He chuckled and stopped at the door. His brow furrowed. "Immediate Murder Professionals? ...Oh, right! They're the Imps with the catchy jingle. And since they're glorified assassins, I feel less bad about this prank. Bonus!"

Wait. He actually saw the commercial? What? Loona needed a second to wrap her mind around that fuckery. In that second, Naruto actually knocked and–Oh, fuck, Loona should've been thinking about an excuse for why she was here, considering she had the day off.

On the other hand, Fatass answered the door.

"You're three minutes and fifty-three seconds late, I paid for premium delivery and–" Fatass blinked as he noticed her. Loona arched her brow and then looked down at her Sinstagram. She wasn't here to talk to the Fatass. "Uh, I thought you got the day off?"

"You work here?" Naruto asked, glancing at her. She looked up at him, there was a light in his eye that seemed amused. Fuck those pretty eyes, making her feel all warm and shit. Loona shrugged and looked back at her Sinstagram feed.

"She's our secretary." Fuck you, too, Fatty! Shit, was Naruto judging her for her job now? Please don't be judging. She didn't need that.

"Huh, small world. Anyway," the Foxfiend looked down at the Imp and brandished the bag in his hand. "I have an order for Moxxie?"

"Mox, who is it?" Millie asked from inside the office.

"Our coffee and Loona," The Fatass said, shaking his head and looking back at Naruto. "Anyway, if you think you're getting a further tip–"

"You're Moxxie?" Naruto asked. A glance at his face showed he looked way too happy with the development, and the slight wriggle of his tail showed it too. Honestly, Loona couldn't blame him; Fatty was a prime target. He held his phone up and the Hotheads' carrier he had. "I need a picture of you and the delivery. Selfie cool?"

"Wha–?"

"Cool!" Before Moxxie could protest, Naruto shoved the delivery into his hands, then picked the Imp up and squished their faces together, all while doing a stupid idiot grin that had to be his default. "Say 'Ramen'!"

"Rah–wh–?!" A bright flash came out of the Hellphone and Moxxie was set back down to stumble back into the office. Loona snickered as he blindly tried to find her desk to set the drinks on. Beside her, Naruto was messing with his phone.

"Hm, not the worst picture I've taken, but I've been in better ones." He mused before grinning when a dying croak sounded. "Fuck yeah. Payment went through. Wait, is that really–? Hot damn, I can see why Sinners do this for a living!"

"Moxxie, did you say the coffee is here?! What the shit took that lazy motherfucker so goddamn lo–Loona?!" Oh, no. Loona closed her eyes and barely withheld a sigh as Blitzø ran over to the still open office door. He leapt up mid stride with his arms outstretched and a freaky smile on his face. "Loony! Baby girl! I knew it, you wanted to spend the day with dad–!"

There was a solid thump as the office door slammed shut before Blitzø could cross the threshold. The shadow of his face impacted the company's logo from the other side. Loona blinked and looked at Naruto, whose hand was still on the door handle. He met her gaze, looked at his hand, and then looked back up.

"What? He's a trained killer that came flying at us. Stranger-danger and all that bullshit." All right then. It was official: this Foxfiend, this Hellborn, this scrawny boy right here, Loona liked him. Unaware of his new status of 'Loona Approved!' in her head, Naruto shrugged and threw the door open again, consequently squishing Blitzø between it and the wall. The Foxfiend grinned at the other two imps. "Nice meeting you, Moxxie! I hope you enjoy the coffee, it took a bit of persuasion to get the staff to make it!"

"Aw, ya hear that, Mox?" Millie walked over to help the Fatty unpack the order, rubbing his shoulder as she did. "Loona's new fuzzy friend helped get your order! She must've told him all about your past issues with it."

Nope, Loona just didn't care if the Fatass got his drink or not. He could die in a ditch and Hell might be better off for it. Or lose weight, whichever happened first.

"Nice t' meet you folks, you do The Devil's work, y'know?" Naruto added with a grin. Well, it couldn't be said he didn't have business savvy. He shut the door again before he hissed out a "shoot, almost forgot," and threw it open once more. "Oh, and your commercial is great! If I were a Sinner, I'd hire you guys in a heartbeat! Have a good one!"

The door shut again, and Loona snorted. There was a small pool of blood leaking out from behind the door. Blitzø was going to feel that shit tomorrow for sure. Huh, maybe he'll be too banged up to bother her…On second thought, it's Blitzø, so he'll probably just bounce back in twenty? Thirty minutes tops?

"So, hey, now that I've got some pocket change, you wanna go get something to eat?" Naruto asked. Loona whipped her head to face him. Was that—Did he seriously ask her out again? Granted, Loona was a little more open to the idea this time, but holy shit, that's not just fucking unexpected, it's also kind of stupid. He must've had the same realization because he immediately went wide-eyed.

"I-I mean, it doesn't have to be a date, you know? Just, like, a brunch between friends? A birthday brunch? Or-or not! We could, we could just go...other ways...Yeah..."

Despite the heat that spread across her face, ears and some other location not best thought about at the moment, Loona could practically see the two options that were in front of her. On one hand, she could ditch the pretty-eyed, cute-assed, nice-smiling, sweet-smelling guy that didn't seem to mind being around her dour-assed bitchitude and go spend the day wandering Imp City, and maybe get a one night stand from the shitty dive bar later. On the other hand, she could stick around the aforementioned pretty-eyed, cute assed, nice smiling, sweet-smelling guy, get a free meal out of it, see if he's worth keeping around a little longer, and then maybe sleep with him after a night of drinking in the shitty dive bar.

...It was a no brainer, and if anyone thought otherwise, then their opinion was obviously shit and Loona couldn't be bothered to give a single flying fuck about it.

"Brunch is fine. You're buying."

"Oh, uh, of course! Yeah! I know just the place!" An-n-n-nd his tail was doing that stupid cute wriggling again, full on fucking distracting is what that was. Loona turned to follow him when she was grabbed by the hand and that was a strong grip. Okay. Cool, that's fine. Pulling her along? That's not so cool. Rather than the calm, cool and collected stride Loona was used to, she was hauled down the hall to the elevator like there was a fucking mob on their ass.

The only upside to this sudden sprint was her view of the Wriggling Wonder and the cute ass it was attached to.

"Whoa, chill out, dude!" Loona tugged on her arm just as they got to the elevator doors. Naruto looked back at her, at their hands, his wriggling tail stopped and he released her hand. Huh, suddenly cold. Loona didn't know her hands could feel that cold. She didn't like it.

"Sorry," the adorable idiot used his hauling hand to scratch the weird marks on his face as they waited for the elevator. "The place I'm thinking of is in Pentagram City."

"Pentagram City?" Loona blinked. She hadn't been to Pentagram City in...shit, what was it, two, three years now? Just after the... Purge? That's what they called that Angel Attack event, thing, right? What? Loona didn't care what it was called, but she knew what it fucking was. The elevator showed up and they both stepped in once the doors opened. Still, the choice in venue was questionable as fuck. "Why the fuck would we go to that shithole?"

"Well, like I said, there's a nice place to eat and its reasonably priced, for a place run by Sinners. I figure that, since it's your twenty-first birthday, you deserve to eat somewhere nice." He smiled at her and she felt that goddamn warm feeling course through her face again. She quickly looked down at her phone to help fight back the smile she knew would spread across her face.

Crap, she felt her tail twitch.

Stop. Twitch.

Stop. Twitch.

Sto-o-op.

...Twitch-twitch.

Fuck it. Fine.

Swish-swish-swish-swish-swish.

"Okay." Naruto checked the alley one more time before he put his hands together. Claws interlocked over knuckles and he pushed forward to crack them. He held both of his palms to the wall. He felt Loona's eyes on him and his ear flicked. "I just need a second to focus."

"...For?"

"I need to focus on the destination to make this work."

"Make what work?" Loona asked, leaning closer. Intrigue, excitement, wonder and smaller unnamed 'vibes' like them laced the air and all of them were very fucking distracting because of how absolutely fucking delicious they tasted.

"I need to focus, Loona." He reiterated. The 'vibes' tastes dimmed a bit as she took a step back. He shook his shoulders, shifted his feet, and exhaled. "Okay...Pentagram City."

Pentagram City, a town of Sinners...and that's pretty much it. Eons ago, the city was delegated to the fallen souls at Lucifer's order, around the same time that the first Exterminations happened. Sinners could go anywhere they wanted in the Pride Ring, but required a specific day's pass to go to any other ring. This is speculated, by those who actually gave a shit, to be because Lucifer wanted to keep the Extermination localized within his own Ring, lest the other Sins (Satan of Wrath, in particular) decide to unite against him in a fit of rebellion if Heaven's forces were essentially welcomed to run amok in their territories.

Of course, that was just speculation.

Despite his own opinions on the Head Brat In Charge, Naruto thought it was the best theory out of the bunch that existed. The one about him trying to find 'The Chosen Heir!' was a good second, though. It always made him laugh – no, focus. Focus on the city. The Clock Tower that rested in the center with an air of foreboding around it, the rancid vibes that lingered over Cannibal Town, the ick that surrounded The V's territory, the ominous dark forests of the Radio Demon.

Focus on the small diner on the cusp of the city limits, at a corner with little traffic, right in view of where the long defunct Happy Hotel sat up on its lonely hill.

Now...Open. Naruto thought, his brows scrunched together. A familiar, thick heat filled his veins and spread throughout his body before it gathered again. It pooled at his stomach and spiraled up to split at his shoulders, then split again to climb the side of his neck and hook the lines on his cheeks, while the rest trailed down either arm to center at either palm. The bright white energy emerged in front of his hands and plastered onto the wall. It took form, shone brightly, and then–Bingo.

"Whew." Naruto sighed and let his arms drop to his side. He shook his arms out of the residual tingle. "That was easier than last time. Alright, Loona, after–Uh, Loona?"

The Hellhound was staring at him, her pretty eyes were wide, her mouth shut tight, and her face looked a little red. Naruto stepped toward her and put his hand on her forehead. Nope, not caused by a fever–Oh, cool, she snapped out of it. Or, well, she was blinking, anyway.

"You...You have your own House Seal."

"I mean, it's not mine, but it is my House Seal." Naruto shrugged.

"You have your own House Seal?!" Loona asked, her voice raised and thick with the 'vibes' that were there before, along with a small hint of 'awe' and...something else? Something... tangy? Hm, that one tasted kind of familiar, but didn't. Weird.

Oh, right. The Seal. Naruto looked back to the Seal of Lzebub (formerly Beelzebub, but Bee altered it when he was added to her House; not that it made it easier for him to use) that rested behind the portal to Pentagram City's best diner. Uh-oh, there were a few Sinners getting awfully close to it.

"Yeah, I'll explain once we get to the city, so if you don't mind–Hey, whoa!" Naruto was hefted over Loona's shoulder – huh, she's shorter but strong enough to lift him up. Why did that do something for him? – and she leapt through the portal. Once they were through, the portal closed and the Seal vanished. Good, now greedy sinners couldn't try to remak–Oh, hello ground. You're a rough thing to land tail and ass first on.

Hey, now Loona's pretty red eyes had a glowing feature. Fucking neat!

"You have a House Seal!" She growled the...question? Oh, wait. The 'vibes' tasted a little sour. Ah, she was…frustrated? Maybe? …He needed a refresher course on Vibe Checks.

"We've established that, yes."

"How!?"

"Um, can we discuss this over brunch? I mean, aren't you hungry?"

Hey, that weird familiar-but-not 'vibe' just came back! What is that flavor? It's not Wrath-related, and definitely not Gluttonous, but he's fucking certain he's tasted it before.

"Yes." And, sure enough, a soft gurgle came from her toned, exposed belly. His gaze darted back up to her eyes when her grip on his shoulders flexed. An idiot he may be at times, but he knew the combination of 'vibes' that meant 'if you value your life, don't talk about what you just saw/heard'. So, he complied and let Loona keep control of this part of the conversation. "But you fucking said you'd explain."

"I'd rather not explain like this." Pinned by a hot Hellhound to the sidewalk who was getting worked up over his House? That'll make the papers for sure. He doesn't need that kind of publicity in Pride of all places. She growled and he whined a little. "C'mon, Loona, can't we just go into the diner first?"

"Yeah, like I'll fucking fall for that load of shit. First chance you get to escape answers and you'll fucking take it." Well, she wasn't wrong, he didn't like talking about how his life in the House of Bee started. Loona scowled and grabbed the collar of his shirt. Oh my, what large teeth she has—huh, was it supposed to be this warm today? Hold on, wait, did his pants just shrink or-? "How. Do you. Have a fucking House Seal of Sin?!"

Well, you know what they say, ask a stupid question.

"Because I belong to a House of Sin." Naruto deadpanned. Loona opened her mouth. Closed it. Opened it again. Then released his collar and sat back. That was right near his—Hey-oh! That feels…yep, that-that's a feeling alright! Wow, that was a really interesting sensation to feel through his jeans-Oh, fuck, wait! She's sitting on his-! Naruto felt his ears and face go red and a knot formed up in his gut. This wasn't okay, he needed to calm the fuck down. First, he needed to get the hot Hellhound off of his lap. "Loona, please get—"

"Huh? Fuck! Right, sorry." Loona asked as she popped back onto her knees before she pushed herself up, using his torso as a balance for her hand. She rounded and glared at the few homeless Sinners watching them from a corner nearby. "The fuck are you losers gawking at?!"

Now, Naruto! Act now! He rolled to put his back to the hot Hellhound that had inadvertently straddled him. A quick adjustment to get rid of any potential tenting embarrassment, and there we go! Now it just looks like he has a tube of salami in his right pocket, totally natural, right? …Probably best to stay on her left side so she doesn't see it. This was a birthday meal, after all, not a date.

Back on his feet, Naruto dusted himself off and gave Loona a weak smile while she glared at him. Yep, typical. This is what happened whenever demons found out he didn't introduce himself with all eight kajillion titles associated with his (sister's) House. They always thought he was up to something. Which, fair, he could fall into a year of pranking random demons if he got pent up, but for the most part, it was a stereotypical assumption.

"Well?" Loona asked as she crossed her arms. …Oh, was this the part where he was supposed to monologue or grovel for her forgiveness? Hate to break it to you, birthday girl, but that wasn't happening.

"Well, what?" He asked, putting his hands in his pockets.

"You said you'd explain."

"I did." He was a demon of his word. Had to be with the life he has. That and part of him never grew out of that 'promise' thing he died with—Boy, did that part of him piss Bee off something fierce sometimes. A recent fight came to mind, and he shunted the thought aside. He kept a level stare with the pretty-eyed Hellhound. "I also said I'd buy you lunch. So?"

He gestured at the corner diner across the way. Mounted above the door were the words "South Gate" in fine cursive neon lights. It certainly got attention, even if the giant 'G' kept flickering.

"That's the diner you were thinking of?" Loona frowned. Again, a fair reaction. The area wasn't exactly the pristine shithole it was when Pride first got going.

"To really appreciate it, you have to look underneath the underneath." Naruto explained with a smirk. He started walking across the street and, within a beat, Loona did the same. He held the door open for her, because he wasn't rude…well, not all the time. She huffed a breath and stepped in, and he followed suit. It wasn't hopping, not that it ever really did anymore, but a few regulars he recognized were at the counter. Stepping up beside Loona, on her left, he cupped a hand around his mouth. "Yo! I heard there's a goddamn prick here that knows how to make an actual fucking salad!"

"Foxy!" "Fuck-face!" "Glaarf-fursgd!" Three of the Sinners at the counter turned to greet him. Two of the three were more humanoid than the last, one a male with a spider-like appearance and the other a girl with holes in the horns that sprouted out of her head. The last was an amalgamation of two individuals in one body, mouths and eyes mashed together in a way that prevented coherent speech from happening. The female Sinner slammed her fist into the counter twice.

"Hey, Lardass, your favorite customer is here!"

"I heard the bell, Yu." A massive behemoth of a demon stepped out from the back kitchen with a towel in his three-fingered hands. There were no appropriate words for his appearance other than 'generic large demon', in that order. The Sinner nodded to Naruto, then eyed Loona. "What's this, a custom request or customer?"

"Fuck you, Bo. This is Loona—Fuck off!" Naruto snapped at the two coherent Sinners as they jeered at him. He growled and pointed at the monstrosity as it gurgled and jerked. "And I don't want to hear anything out of either of your shit boxes, Assholes."

"You heard him, Nunchucks." Bo warned the conglomerate, who clacked out something rude, judging by the way Bo's eyes narrowed. "Talk to me like that again and I will rip you apart and put you back together as part of my dishwasher, you fucks!"

"…This is a diner?" Loona muttered as she glanced at him. Naruto shrugged, a slight wince on his face, and she looked back down at her Hellphone with a huff. "Seen worse places, I guess."

"Bitch, no you haven't." Yu snorted. Loona looked up with a snarl and the holy-horned Sinner blew her a kiss. And two seconds before Naruto could possibly enjoy the image that exchange constructed, Bo dropped one of his meaty fists onto Yu's head.

"Don't scare my customers off, you goddamn whore!"

"Well fuck me for fucking helping you! Maybe you should fucking shut your shit-box, do some fucking business and seat the fuckers, you stupid fat fuck!"

"Would it kill you to use a word other than 'Fuck' once in your miserable afterlife?!"

"Fuck you!"

"Hey, Foxy, there's a table open out of sound damage range." The spider-demon gestured to the spot in question, the palps beside his head caught a stray rotted noodle that almost fell out of his mouth. Gross, but understandable; Noodles were sacred.

"Thanks, Kidō." Naruto nodded and nudged Loona forward from where she stood recording the shouting match between the diner's cook and the regular. Once they sat down, two menus flew through the air towards them and a white bone knife impaled both to the table.

"Fucking-! This is your opinion of nice?" Loona hissed at him while her phone clattered to the table. Naruto glared out of the corner of his eye at the source, another chef who's attention was focused on the grill, before he grinned back at her.

"Hey, I told you that you have to look underneath the underneath." He pulled the knife out and slipped it into his pocket — What? Free knife, don't judge. — before he opened his copy up to find something good. "Oh hey, there's a special on Radio-deer chops! We may want to split that—"

The menu was yanked from his hands and pretty red eyes glowered at him.

"…Or I could talk about my House Seal." Naruto amended with a small laugh.

"That." Loona's pretty red eyes did their cool glowing thing again. She crossed her arms and sat back in her seat, a faint growl ruminating from her person. "Anytime you're ready."

"What's to explain? I'm a lucky bastard that was picked up by a Sin a while back."

"How long back and which Sin?"

"Look, isn't today your birthday? Don't you want to do something other than grill some guy you just met?" He asked somewhat hopefully. Loona looked up at the ceiling for a second before her narrowed eyes fell on him again.

"No."

Because why the fuck would anything go Naruto's way right now? Ugh, he was too sober for this shit. He glanced at Bo over his shoulder, whistled sharply, and held up two fingers once he locked eyes with the Sinner. The giant Sinner nodded and slammed Yu's face into the counter before he dipped into the back.

That done, Naruto looked back at Loona. She kept glaring at him and-alright, the subsonic growl was getting annoying. He was understanding of it to a point.

"Fuck," he groused and rubbed his eyes with a hand. "Loona, look, I don't like digging around my past, alright? You want me to dig around yours-?"

"I told you mine." She snarled.

"You told me you grew up in an orphanage that basically dropped the ball on Hellhound Society 101." He refuted, a brow arched and a claw pointed in her direction. She shifted in her seat and the growl mercifully stopped. Naruto nodded. "Yeah, I don't need details if you don't want to give 'em. I just ask for the same fucking courtesy, alright?"

"What's so fucking wrong with telling me what House of Sin you're with?" Loona frowned.

"You work for a group of assassins that can inexplicably go to Earth." Naruto deadpanned. That really should explain it all. When she didn't budge on the manner, he tilted his head. "And that tall one, Balto—"

"His name is Blitzø, the 'o' is silent." Loona interjected. He gave her a flat stare that she held for a second before she glared at the table. She took a deep breath and her shoulders sagged. "Fuck, fine. I'll back off."

"I thank you for the sacrifice." Naruto smirked and looked up when a slab of rock floated over with two Beelzejuices set on it. He grabbed the bottles, popped the tops off, and set one in front of Loona. "Here, drink."

"Wow, that's only shady as fuck."

"Piss off then, I'll drink it." Naruto shrugged. Loona growled and snatched a Beelzejuice bottle out of his claws. That's more how he thought she'd react. He toasted the remaining bottle to her. "Happy Twenty-First Birthday, Loona."

"Yeah, fucking thanks or whatever."

They both poured their drinks back and mid-guzzle their eyes locked. Naruto could taste fire alongside the sweet mead-like brew. Then, her pretty red eyes narrowed and her lips curled up into a smirk and she started to gulp the high-proof drink.

Oh, it was so fucking on! Naruto chugged his Beelzejuice and in less than a minute, the bottles were drained and slammed to the table.

"Bo! Two more! And keep 'em coming!" Naruto barked, his eyes locked with Loona's, and their toothy smiles grinned at one another. The corner of his vision had him spotting a white blur swish about behind her and he could feel his own tail start to wriggle wildly. The 'vibes' tasted really fucking good right now, but there was a spicy tang that reminded Naruto of that goddamn, over-spiced fucking curry, and he associated that 'vibe' with one thing and one thing only.

A challenge.

More Beelzejuice was brought over to the table and Loona grabbed her own this time. Still holding his gaze, she bit the fucking cap off, then chewed it into a bow, before she spat it out and started chugging. Okay, that tears it. Hot or not, this girl was going to fucking regret challenging a bonafide Glutton to a drinking contest!

That's a fucking promise, y'know!

Millie had a bowl of kernels in her lap and occasionally fed one to her husband; they'd been listening to their boss' rant since he woke up from when Loona's new friend dropped off their coffee orders. That was six hours ago, and four of it was Blitz in 'frantic intel-seeking mode' that was usually reserved for his nights with Lord Stolas. Luckily, there were only thirty minutes left of the work-day, to which the married duo silently and mutually agreed to listen to their boss rant to run out the clock.

"And then she got so angry after I sang happy birthday–I-I just don't understand what went wrong!" Blitz complained as he paced I.M.P.'s office, his two subordinates watching from the couch. "She said she liked the cake when we had it for that stupid bitch that offed herself! Why the shit wouldn't I think she'd like to eat it again?!"

"Oh, who could say, sir? It isn't like a three week old cake doesn't stay edible." Moxxie deadpanned. Millie giggled beside him and handed a kernel over that he morosely chewed on. He'd been in a sour mood ever since he got his coffee. He claimed something about it was off, but he drank the whole thing regardless.

"Exactly!" Blitz threw his arms up. He stomped over to the mural of security camera stills that had red circles around the head of Loona's new friend. His arms crossed. "But she'd rather spend her birthday with this-this-this...fucking furry fetish-boi, than spend the day with me, her own father!"

"Didn't you adopt her?" Millie asked, smirking. Blitz turned to glare at her over his shoulder.

"Family is more than blood!"

"...I can't believe I'm saying this, but you're right, sir." Moxxie sighed. Whoa, hold on. Moxxie was agreeing with Blitz?! That was Millie's job! ...Maybe there really was something wrong with his coffee earlier. Her sexy little hubby hopped up from the couch. "So, what would you like us to do about it?"

"I want to know where this fucker sleeps at night so I can fuck him before he even tries to fuck her." Blitz' odd obsession with sex-based revenge was always a little fright-ousing to hear. Maybe Millie would be the top tonight, Moxxie had his turn for the past three days. Before any further discussion about sex or preemptive revenge sex could take place, a man's wail came from Blitz' ass.

"That's Loony-Toony's text scream!" Blitz frantically pulled his Hellphone out, in his rush it was thrown across the room and he shrieked. "No! What if she needs help?! She might have to hide his body after he tried to force himself on her! I never got to body disposal lessons with her!"

"Sir, just read the message." Moxxie sighed into his hand while Millie giggled at their boss' overactive imagination. Daddy was the same way whenever she or Sally Mae brought a boy around the farm.

"Oh, why the fuck didn't I think of that–I can't! It's a fucking picture, shithead!" Blitz hissed, holding his phone out to them. In the picture was, obviously, Loona with some ruffled fur and her eyes looked a little unfocused. Furthermore, resting on her chest – which, Millie could tell thanks to her keen feminine eyesight, was still clad in her preferred crop top – was her fuzzy new friend, totally out cold.

A man's wail emerged from the phone and Blitz quickly turned it around. His eyes went wide and he started to clench his hand around the phone so hard it began to crack. Millie shared a look with Moxxie and they nodded. They had to save their boss' phone and see that new message.

"Sir, we can't afford another phone incident. So, may I-? Thank you." With a few tugs, Moxxie plucked the phone from Blitz grasp. He and Millie guffawed at the message that had followed the image.

(Can I keep him?)

"I want... his head!" Blitz shrieked. He drew his flintlock and ran for the door. "Daddy's coming baby girl!"

"Mil, can you, uh?"

"Oh, fine. Only for you, babe." Millie kissed her man's cheek before she leapt at their boss and tackled him to the ground. "Whoo-ee! Got me a wild one!"

"Millie get the fuck off of me! I will use your bitch husband as a fucking condom and destroy your womb! Don't test me, my Loony's innocence is on the line!"

"Blitz, yer 'baby girl' is a twenty-one year old Hellhound you got from an orphanage when she was seventeen. The chances of her having her virginity intact are slim-to-fuckin'-none."

"Get the fuck off of me before I fuck you and fire you!" Blitz snarled as he tried to get out from under Millie. She pulled his arm out from underneath him and locked it behind his shoulder. He was slammed face first into the floor. "Fuck! Moxxie, control your bitch!"

"Sir, respectfully, fuck you. Furthermore, Millie's right. Loona is...an adult. She may have some misadventures you don't know about nor want to."

"Grr, I have her papers that say otherwise and I've seen the proof!"

Millie and Moxxie exchanged concerned looks with one another.

"What?" They asked. Blitz huffed and glared at them.

"I check!" His free hand dug around in his pocket and a copy of 'Gynoscopy for Beginners' was pulled out. "She has a nightcap that I lace with various drugs whenever I can. Last night, I used some horse tranquilizers I found in her room."

"...That's messed up, Blitz/Sir."