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Chapter Text

In the quiet, dusty corner of the Hogwarts library, a young man with messy black hair sat hunched over an ancient tome. His toad green eyes darted back and forth over the pages, absorbing every word as if his life depended on it.

And it did, obviously, because this was no ordinary young man. This was Harry Potter, the famous Boy Who Lived, known for his bravery and his scar. His life was endangered every other day at his magical institute of learning.

But there was something else about Harry that very few people knew. 

Harry Potter had a secret. — A secret so profound it could make even the bravest Gryffindor blush.

He was in love. It was the truest kind of love. A once-in-a-lifetime kind of true love. 

His girlfriend’s name was Susan. Susan Boner. Susan had red hair. Like a Weasley except she wasn’t a Weasley. She was the Ancient and Noble Heir of the Ancient and Noble Bones House. 

Harry was going on a date with his secret girlfriend Susan today in fact. It was going to be really cute and special. Because their love was really cute and special. And awesome. 

Susan was the girl who had captured his heart and made him feel alive in a way that battling dark wizards never could. Her fiery red hair and infectious laugh had been the bright spot in his otherwise dreary existence.

Harry Potter was so tired of having the kind of life full of chasing dark wizards and worrying about evil magical artifacts trying to murder him… It was just not his kind of life. He wanted freedom. Dumbledore expected too much of him and he could not take it anymore… He didn’t want to die.

Harry just wanted freedom to live a cute and happy life with his cute girlfriend. And have babies. But not with his girlfriend— her bosoms were too small.

Harry liked the big stuff. The big stuff was the good stuff.

But Harry had another secret. He had a second girlfriend who was really mean. She was an ice queen. Her name is Daphne Greengrass.

Daphne had red hair also like a Weasley but different. It was maybe better. Because she had a cute handband in her hair and wore really cute skirts like Pansy (his secret crush). Daphne’s bosoms were also too small.

It was very disappointing to Harry. He didn’t like that.

But maybe both his girlfriends would grow big and cute one day. Harrry could only hope so. 

But anyways, back to the matter at hand, Harry and Susan had rather a blossoming romance that had been kept hidden from the prying eyes of Hogwarts for years ever since their third year. (Daphne didn’t know. She’s an Ice Queen, okay.)

Today, Harry was particularly eager to escape the prying eyes of his peers and the ever-watchful gaze of Dumbledore. Today Harry and Susan was in their sixth year, and so they decided to sneak off to Hogsmeade for a day of fun and mischief. Lots of fun fun fun in the sun! 

The sun was shining brightly as they strolled down the cobblestone streets, hand in hand. They visited Honeydukes and loaded up on sweets, giggling as they shared a box of Bertie Bott's Every Flavor Beans. It was really cute because Harry kept eating the green jellybeans to find the lime flavored jelly beans but he only found the vomit flavored jelly beans. They tasted like Dudley’s old underwear. Very stinky and gross. It gave Harry the Ick.

No one likes the Ick. Except maybe Lavender Brown because she was currently dating Ron Weasley. Weird.

Their next stop was The Three Broomsticks for a couple of butterbeers. They found a cozy corner and settled in, enjoying each other's company away from the chaos of school life.

As they were about to leave, Harry spotted a familiar face entering the pub. It was Percy Weasley, of all people! He was sneaking in with a rather shy-looking woman with reddish-brown hair.

Susan nudged Harry and whispered, "Isn't that Percy? And who's that with him?"

Harry squinted. “Girl that booty is so thick!”, Harry chuckled in amusement. 

Susan glared at Harry. “Excuse me, Harry James Potter?” 

Harry shrugged and let out a hearty laugh as he gave Susan a spanking on her bottom too so that she would not feel left out. “Girl, your booty is so thick too! Don’t sass me.”

Susan blushed very red and then let out a girlish giggle. “Okay sorry Harry. I love you so much! More than the world and skies and oceans combined!” She blew Harry a kiss.

Harry smirked. “Yeah I know girl. That’s why you’re my woman.” Harry gave Susan another spanking in a very wholesome way. 

Then Harry gave his attention back to the lady with Percy who had a big and thick booty bottom.

Harry recognized the woman. "That's Audrey, she works in the Ministry too, I think? I’ve seen her before maybe. Do you think they're...?" He trailed off, raising an eyebrow.

Susan grinned mischievously. “Only one way to find out!” Harry grinned back at Susan and gave her booty another slap. It better be red like her hair by now, Harry was hoping. Otherwise, what’s the point of the big booty booty?

Curiosity got the better of the two of them, and so they decided to follow behind Percy and Audrey very discreetly.

The two couples seemed to be on the same Hogsmeade adventure, wandering from shop to shop to shop to shop to shop but they were never going to stop.

Harry and Susan hid behind a big large hefty stack of magical books at Scrivenshaft's Quill Shop, trying not to laugh as Percy awkwardly tried to impress Audrey with his knowledge of quills. He was pointing at the the different quills as he explained the differences. 

"Look at him, he's trying so hard! Poor thing!" Susan whispered, stifling a giggle. Harry giggled too. Percy was so cute. Look at his hair! And his glasses! Harry thought. Goddamn.

Susan and Harry’s next stop was Madam Puddifoot's Tea Shop, a notorious spot for couples in love. As Percy and Audrey settled into a little booth together, Harry and Susan took a seat in a nearby booth, hidden behind a large potted plant. Percy seemed more relaxed here, and they even saw him crack a smile, something Harry had rarely seen. It was kind of cute. Harry liked when Percy smiled like that.

Susan couldn't help but tease, "Should we go say hello?" Susan noticed that her Harry had a crush. Susan understood. Audrey was basically a ginger too, and Harry liked all the red things.

Harry shook his head, grinning. "Let's just watch a bit longer. I wonder if he’ll notice us." He sighed dreamily. Goddamn. What a gorgeous piece of ginger pie.

Just then, Percy and Audrey leaned in for a shy kiss, and Harry and Susan's eyes widened in surprise. THUMP! In their surprised shock, they accidentally knocked over the potted plant, causing a loud crash.

Percy and Audrey turned around, their faces red with embarrassment at being caught, only to see Harry and Susan scrambling to their feet awkwardly.

"Harry! And, er, Susan Bones, is that right? What are you both doing here?" Percy exclaimed, trying to sound authoritative but failing miserably.

Percy was nervous. He was supposed to be at work, but today he was playing hooky. And Audrey was his hooker. This was so awkward. Ugh. Percy blushed redder than the deadest bloody goat meatstick.

Harry rubbed the back of his neck, sheepish. "Uh, well, we were just... you know, enjoying Hogsmeade."

Audrey the Hooker looked at Harry saucily. She liked sauce, and she knew that Potter kid had a lot of it. Audrey then chuckled, easing the tension between Harry and Percy and Susan Boner.

"It looks like we all have a secret now, doesn't it?" said Audrey. She was good at blackmail. She was a hooker, after all. And that Potter kid would be easy to blackmail.

Audrey needed money to purchase a new chair for her office anyway. Percy had given her a great big office at the Ministry, so she made good use of it. So did Lucius and Cornelius, for that matter. Sometimes together.

Harry blushed at Audrey’s saucy attention and especially at her big bosoms. Goddamn.

Percy sighed, his stern demeanor melting away. "I suppose we do. Maybe we should keep each other's secrets, then, ehh?"

The four of them shared a laugh, and from that day on, Harry and Susan found an unexpected ally and friend in Percy and Audrey. Their secret dates continued, but now with the added excitement of occasionally running into their new double-dating friends.

Friends were nice. Everyone needed a friend sometimes. It’s good to feel loved.

Chapter Text

Three weeks later after Harry and Susan’s first double date with Percy and Audrey (the day of him spying on Percy), there was another Hogmeade weekend.

So this time Harry Potter decided that that needed to take out his second girlfriend Daphne Greengrass on another date finally because she was starting to nag.

It was so dumb of her. Why did she have to nag so much if she also was going to have small bosoms like his regular girlfriend Susan? What was the point? Harry didn’t know.

So anyway, Harry took Daphne on the date that she nagged for. He stepped off the rickety carriage that had brought him and Daphne to the snow-covered village of Hogsmeade.

The cold nip in the air was invigorating — it made Harry feel more alive. Especially compared to Hogwarts where he felt dead because Dumbledumb wanted him dead (he clearly was trying to kill Harry because why else would his life be in danger every year? Duh.) so the ice cold air was a stark contrast to the cozy warmth of the deadly castle they had left behind.

Daphne was looking good today, with her auburn red hair pulled back in a sleek ponytail and a fur-lined cloak. Very elegant and also smartly prepared for the chills of today’s afternoon aheaded. Harry didn’t approve though. Because his girlfriend was so covered up, he couldn’t see the goods.

Harry was the kind of guy that liked to appreciate what he had. He knew that his ice-queen girlfriend’s bosoms may be small but the booty was so thick (Unfortunately it was mostly covered because of Daphne’s cloak.) So Harry was not going to accept this nonsense.

“Accio!” Harry cast a spell towards Daphne’s elegant, heavy cloak so that it went flying towards him.

“EEK!” squeaked Daphne, like a girl. She shivered, rubbing her arms to stay warm.

Daphne was now only wearing a simple yet elegant short-sleeved dress that made her green eyes pop. But losing her cloak made Daphne very cold and Harry could definitely see the evidences of that. He leered at Daphne’s small bosoms. Yum. It was better than nothing.

Harry made Daphne walk ahead of him at first so that at least he could see Daphne’s big thick booty booty. He liked that.

But then they just walked hand in hand down the cobblestone street of Hogsmeade, past the familiar shops and pubs they recognized. They were having a good day. The smell of roasted chestnuts and warm butterbeer wafted from the Three Broomsticks, mingling with the scent of fresh pine from the decorations that adorned the buildings. Wow! Harry thought, it smells so good here! I wish I worked here. He felt happy here. He could hear the villagers and students alike bustling around him and his girlfriend. The chatter of their conversations and laughter made a lively and big atmosphere for them both to enjoy together.

Harry sighed happily, sticking out his tongue to catch an occasional snowflake that danced down from the gray sky. Tasty snow. Harry was a starving orphan so he’ll eat anything, including snow. Everyone knew that.

Daphne noticed this too. She thought to herself, My poor baby orphan boy! He’s so hungry! Maybe I should buy him a snack?

But Daphne felt uncertain. Harry had more money in his vaults than her family did. So then why was this boy so hungry? Was he an anorexic? Wow, that was so scary. She didn’t know any other anorexics.

Daphne found out she was an anorexic at Hogwarts during second year, when a mudblood called Louise asked Daphne, “Oh, are you an anorexic? You’re so skinny.” At the time, Daphne didn’t know the answer. But that was okay because she found out that Louise’s question was rhetorical. That means that Louise was just asking a question but she already knew that answer so Daphne wasn’t supposed to answer. So Louise told her that she knew already that Daphne was an anorexic. It was so nice for Louise to tell her because Daphne didn’t know.

(But Daphne just remembered that Louise had a different name. She didn’t like to be called Louise because that was not her name. But Daphne can’t remember all the names of people at Hogwarts! Is she some kind of peasant? For the love of Jesus H Christy, no she was not a peasant. She was rich too. Not rich like dumb Malfoy, but she was okay at being rich, she thought.)

So basically, Daphne hugged her boyfriend Harry. She was grateful that even though Harry acted like a poor, luckily he was a rich. So Daphne knew she could marry him one day. She wanted to get married because otherwise she’d be sold as a slave to the Death Eaters. But Daphne didn’t like death and she was just not hungry. And she was too rich to be a slave to any fool Death Eaters.

Daphne kissed Harry sweetly because she was so glad that Harry was rich. And so then he grabbed her tiddies to keep his cold hands warm. His hands felt like icicles today. His breath misted in the frosty air. The warmth of Daphne’s tiny boobies was still enough to warm his hands from turning black and falling off. Good tiddies. He gave them a squeeze, while Daphne was just looking at him with shock and disgrace. She slapped Harry on the face, and he didn’t mind. He was still holding the boobies.

But as they walked along the rest of the Hogsmeade’s cobblestone path, enjoying the cool winter air on their skin, Daphne screamed, and then she fainted, falling back flat onto the ground. Harry kicked her with his shoe gently like a gentleman, but he had the proof. Daphne was out cold. Goddamn, now he’d have to carry her. Maybe he could just leave her here and no one would notice, Harry contemplated to himself. This was a tough decision.

Just then, Harry saw a flash of a red spell heading towards him. Just before his vision went back, he saw Draco Malfoy’s shiny blonde hair. That damn ferret had got him. Harry was in the deepest shits now.

Chapter Text

Harry woke up.

He was strapped to a bedpost. His mouth dropped open. Where the hell was he? He yanked his wrists, but they were bound up with green Slytherin ties. Oh fu—.

He looked around wide-eyed. Hair gel, as far as the eye could see. Cluttering every surface. Stacked to the ceiling, more hair gel than one git could possibly use in a lifetime.

Harry's eyes bulged out of his head when he noticed the monstrous little creature in the corner of the large Slytherin bedroom. Oh sheet, thought Harry. OH SHEET!

Harry screamed. "WHAT THE FU-"

The sound of Harry's yelling and screaming got cut off however by a mysterious figure from behind him roughly shoving a nasty rag in his mouth. HOW DARE!

He was the motherloading Boy Who Lived! Even Dumbledumb wouldn't dare to do this to him! Or would he? Harry was secretly scared. What if Dumbledumb planned all of this? What if he was working with that slimy ferret to murder him?

"OH MY GOD!" Harry yelled internally. He could not scream out loud because of the smelly thing in his mouth. He was gagging and and choking on it. Jesus.

Why did it taste so bad like moldy cheese and rotten eggs cooked in vegemite, horseradish, and sewage? It smelled like Hermione's cooking! (He loved that little bee-yotch so much, but she could not cook. She was a useless woman. Basically like Ron. But with big brown hair and big meaty bosoms. So she had that, at least. Thank god. Harry wouldn't be friends with her otherwise.)

Back to the matter at hand though, Harry had a problem. A big fat Dudley-sized problem. — He was tied up in a Slytherin green room filled with noxious hair gel, with a moldy egg-cheese gag in his mouth, and there was a rabid little monster in the corner of the room that was foaming at the mouth to kill him!

Harry closed his eyes and prayed. Dear Jeezus, and Mum and Dad, and Sirius too, will you please save me from this doom? I don't want to be chopped liver. I haven't even got to third base with Daphne or Susan yet! Please save me, Mum! And Jeezus!