Archive of Our Own ^beta

The phone buzzed against the nightstand. Snatching it up, Eddie swung himself out of bed and padded into the hallway before punching the accept call button. “Buck?” he breathed. “What’s wrong?”

“I said something to you earlier that I shouldn’t have said.” Buck’s voice came in a rush. 

Easing his bedroom door shut, Eddie moved down the hall to the lounge room and perched on the arm of the couch. He was drawing a blank. “What did you say?” he asked. “This isn’t about Tommy, is it?”

“No,” Buck said. “It’s about you and Marisol.”

Glancing around at the stacks of unpacked boxes waiting to be moved out, Eddie passed his tongue across dry lips and thought of Marisol, sleeping in his bed. He blinked. “What about me and Marisol?”

Buck took a very deep breath and let it out slowly. “I said you’d get through sleeping with her somehow. And I realised after you left that that’s fucked up. If you don’t want to sleep with her for any reason, then you don’t have to. Sex isn’t something to endure. So I’m sorry I said that.”

“Oh.” Eddie chewed vaguely on his lower lip, and glanced towards the hallway. “Don’t worry about it, Buck.”

“I am worried about it, though,” Buck went on. “You know you’re allowed to say no to her, right? You don’t have to hide out at work or my place for an entire day just to avoid sex. You can say no.”

Silenced, Eddie blinked. “Say no?” he mumbled eventually.

There was a pause, and then Buck shifted the topic. “What happened when you got home tonight?”

Eddie let his breath out in a strained puff. “Well, Marisol came home just after me. She’d been at her brother’s. And then we talked and agreed it was too soon for her to move in.”

“Okay,” Buck said, his tone unreadable. “And what happened after that?”

Swinging his jaw side to side a few times, Eddie mumbled, “Then we had sex.”

“Did you want to have sex?”

Feeling as though the floor had dropped out from beneath him, Eddie swallowed heavily and deflected. “I dunno, I hadn’t really thought about it.”

Buck sighed. “I’m sorry I haven’t been very helpful with this. But I want to do better, if I can.”

“Buck, you’ve been fine,” Eddie said, a frown creasing his brow. “Everything’s okay.”

“Is it?” Buck insisted. “I tell you to get through it somehow and you go home and have sex that you don’t wanna have. That doesn’t sound okay to me.”

“It’s honestly alright,” Eddie said, hearing the agitation in Buck’s voice and wanting to ease it. 

“It’s not!” Buck insisted. There was a rustle of movement across the phone line, as though Buck were pacing. “Eddie … okay, just imagine if I had said that to a woman.”

“I’m not a woman, Buck,” Eddie said wryly.

“Not the point!” Buck sniped. “I’m talking about the double standard. No one would ever tell a woman to just get through it. So I shouldn’t have said that to you, because it’s wrong. It’s wrong that I said that.”

Jaw tightening, Eddie didn’t say anything. His lips felt glued shut as he tried to wrap his mind around Buck’s words. 

“Eddie?” Buck’s voice was soft, yet tense, conflicting emotions barrelling into Eddie’s ear. “Are you okay?”

“Of course,” Eddie muttered, but his voice was dry and his lips were numb. 

“I didn’t mean to upset you,” Buck murmured. “But I couldn’t get it out of my head.”

“I’m not upset,” Eddie said, but it sounded like a lie when his voice trembled.

There was a delicate pause before Buck said, “Can I ask you something personal?”

Clearing his throat, Eddie gave himself a gentle shake and said, “Okay.”

“Have you said no to sex before?”

Recoiling slightly, Eddie answered reflexively. “Of course not.” Buck released a long, heavy sigh, and Eddie bristled. “Well, have you?” he said tersely.

“Actually, yes,” Buck replied. “Believe it or not.”

From the stories Buck himself had shared, Eddie was dubious—but he also knew Buck wouldn’t lie to him just to make a point. Immediately, he deflated. “You have?” 

“Yes,” Buck said. “Even hyper-sexual people like me have times where they’re not in the mood. Especially since I had some therapy a few years ago and worked through the dregs of my sex addiction. But I’ve also had plenty of sex for reasons that left me feeling like trash, Eddie, so trust me when I say that you do not have to do it if you don’t really want to.” 

“I dunno, Buck,” Eddie said slowly. “Surely it’s like anything in a relationship, and it’s a compromise.”

Buck was silent for a few moments. “I don’t think consent is something you should compromise on, Eddie.” There was a pulse of silence, and then Buck spoke again. “What does it make you feel like? Having sex when you don’t really want to?”

“I haven’t ever thought about it,” Eddie muttered.

“Maybe you should,” Buck said gently. “I mean … you’ve said dating feels like a performance. Maybe you’re doing the same thing with sex.”

Eddie couldn’t think of a reply, and so simply said nothing. 

“Have I upset you?” Buck murmured. Shaking his head, it took Eddie a few moments to remember that Buck couldn’t see him. He grunted a negative response. “Kinda sounds like I have.”

“No,” Eddie mumbled. “It’s fine, I know you’re looking out for me.”

“I am,” Buck said, sounding slightly relieved. “That’s it.”

A silence fell between them, but it was strained and loaded. An increasing discomfort niggled at Eddie, and he spoke without thinking first, words tripping off numb lips. “I enjoy it, you know.”

A pause before Buck said, “Sex?”

“Yeah,” Eddie murmured. “Like, it’s nice. It’s fun.”

“Even when you don’t wanna do it?”

“Well, yeah,” Eddie said, still not thinking through his words. “I guess so.”

“You guess?” Buck asked, his tone insistent. “You’re not … sure?”

“I don’t think I wanna talk about this anymore,” Eddie said abruptly, surprising even himself. 

“Oh.” He heard the click of Buck’s throat as he swallowed heavily. “I’m really not trying to upset you, Eddie. I just hate the thought of you …”

“What?”

“It’s just so important to me that you are respected, and you are safe,” Buck said, and Eddie knew it wasn’t what he was originally intending to say. 

“And you don’t think I am with Marisol?” Eddie asked, a little sharply. 

“I don’t know,” Buck said. “We’ve never really talked about our relationships all that much.”

“Well, why start now?” Eddie said snippily, and Buck took a sharp inhale on the other end of the line.

“Hey now, I’m just trying to look out for you.” There was hurt in Buck’s tone and Eddie immediately regretted his irritability. 

“I’m sorry,” Eddie murmured. “It’s just … this is uncomfortable.”

“Talking to me?” Buck asked, still sounding hurt.

Eddie shook his head even though Buck couldn’t see it. “Thinking about sex in this way.”

“Oh. Why?”

Because … Eddie didn’t want to admit it, but he thought Buck might be onto something. Because it was making him question the things he had been raised to think. Because it made him feel ill deep in his core, a slimy, greasy kind of sickness that set his skin crawling. 

“Eddie? You still there?”

“Oh.” Eddie blinked. “Yeah, sorry.”

Very softly, Buck said, “Do you wanna talk about what you’re feeling?”

“Not even remotely,” Eddie replied.

Buck sighed. “Okay, I’m sorry. Just … I was trying to be helpful.”

“I know,” Eddie murmured. “I get it. It’s okay, Buck.”

“Sure,” Buck agreed, though Eddie could hear the uncertainty in his voice. “I’ll call you again tomorrow, okay?”

“Great,” Eddie said, but his skin was still crawling and he was desperate to hang up. “Talk to you then.”

“Goodnight, Eddie.”

“Night.”

The line went dead and Eddie dropped the phone, staring at the screen as it flashed to black and reflected his own troubled face back at him. Grunting, he hurriedly turned the phone over in his hand. 

He had to move, had to shake off the creeping insects tripping across his skin. Eddie began pacing, swinging his arms in an attempt to settle his bouncing nerves. His thoughts were moving too fast for him to track, but the queasiness in his belly brewed increasingly sour as he walked laps around the couch, going nowhere fast.

The night wore on and Eddie’s confusion deepened. Eventually, he found himself outside the door to his bedroom. Easing the door open, he looked in and eyed Marisol sleeping in his bed. She had shifted, curled across his side of the mattress, the curve of one bare shoulder peeking above the covers.

He knew he should go in, return to bed, touch her gently and fall asleep with her hair dusting his face … but Eddie was frozen in the doorway. He could not make himself go further.

With no idea how long he stood there, Eddie tried to ignore the swarm of emotions that bubbled inside his chest. Eventually, he took a step back and headed to the bathroom to shower instead of sleep.

<*-*>

The crunch and grind of the coffee machine cracked through Eddie’s dreams and he jolted awake. The couch cushions swayed against his body as he shoved himself upright.

Reluctantly, he shrugged himself to his feet and padded into the kitchen. Marisol looked around as he came in, and smiled. “Hey, you must’ve been up early.” There was a question in her eyes that Eddie refused to read.

“Oh,” Eddie said, rubbing a hand across the back of his head. His hair tumbled across his brow in twisted locks, the result of having slept on wet hair. “Yeah,” he lied.

Marisol squinted at him. “Looks like you’ve just woken up,” she murmured, turning back to the coffee machine as it finished spitting out a steaming brew. 

“I guess I…” Eddie trailed off, unable to come up with a suitable lie.

Pain lanced across Marisol’s face. “You were avoiding me again,” she said, voice very quiet. “I thought we were in a good place after last night.”

“I …”

Marisol waved him off, dropping into a seat at the kitchen table. “Eddie, I don’t want things to be like this,” she whispered at length. “I don’t want you to be afraid to be around me.”

Squinting, Eddie threw the coffee machine a longing glance before easing into a seat across from her. “I’m not afraid of you,” he said gently.

“Not of me,” Marisol agreed. “But you don’t want to be around me now.”

“I haven’t said that,” Eddie said quickly.

Marisol stared into her coffee, and her mouth was hard. “You don’t need to say it. I can see it, it’s all over you.”

“I just need some time,” Eddie said, but deep within his belly something curled and unfurled and he knew he was lying to himself. 

Shaking her head, a tear streaked down the slope of Marisol’s nose. “What if you don’t?” she muttered. “How long do I wait to know for sure how you feel about me?”

Lips parting, Eddie found he had no words. It seemed his silence was answer enough.

Voice tiny and fragile, Marisol reached for Eddie’s hands and curled her fingers against his palms. “If you were in love with me, we wouldn’t be having these issues.”

Eddie wasn’t sure that was true, but his words still refused to work. 

Peeling her gaze up, Marisol’s eyes locked with Eddie’s. “Are you in love with Buck?”

Jaw dropping, Eddie fumbled for an answer, a series of babbling noises escaping him.

“You’re not denying it.”

Blinking, Eddie finally snapped, “I’m not saying anything!”

Shaking her head, Marisol ignored him and said instead, “I can’t do this. I’m sorry, Eddie. But I can’t.”

“You’re … breaking up with me?”

Marisol nodded, more tears striping down her face. She got up from the table, tipped her coffee down the sink, and left the room.

<*-*>

“Fuck, Eddie. That sucks.” Buck swigged his beer, watching Eddie with dark, careful eyes. “And then what? She just left?”

Eddie swallowed hard. “Um. Not exactly.”

Cocking his head, Buck’s eyes narrowed. “What do you mean, not exactly?”

Glancing around at the light-polluted sky beyond the edge of Buck’s balcony, Eddie shrugged.

“Uh uh,” Buck said. “Not ‘shrug’. What happened?”

Chewing on his lip for a moment, Eddie flicked Buck a quick, narrow glance before staring back at the black canopy of the night. He shivered, but was not cold. “She wanted … breakup sex.”

Buck’s eyebrows slid up, very slow and very high. He took another bracing gulp of his beer before cradling the bottle between both hands and asking in a deceptively light tone, “What did you say?”

Fidgeting, Eddie twitched his shoulders again. “Technically, I don’t think I said anything.”

There was a loaded pause, before Buck said in a careful voice, “So you did it?”

Eddie grunted, staring at the sky. His belly twisted as he remembered that morning, that sick feeling overwhelming him again. 

Buck took a long, sharp breath through his nostrils. Eddie listened to the rasp of air as he sucked it in, before he carefully said, “Did you want to have breakup sex?”

Throat swelling tight as a wave of horror crashed through him, Eddie bit his lips together and gave his head a tiny shake.

Releasing his breath in a long whoosh, Buck was silent for a moment. He spun his beer bottle between his palms. Finally, he murmured, “Can we talk about this?”

Sighing, Eddie dropped his eyes to his knees. “I don’t know what to say, Buck.”

Shifting slightly, Eddie stressed for a moment that Buck was going to move closer to him; he was too raw to have Buck near. “I’m worried about you,” Buck said softly. 

“Oh.” Eddie hadn’t expected that. “Um. Why?”

“Because I’ve stirred all this up and I don’t know how you’re doing with it,” Buck said simply.

“I don’t know how I’m doing with it, either,” Eddie whispered, scowling as tears stabbed at the back of his eyes. “I don’t like the way I feel, Buck.”

“Okay.” Buck’s tone was slow and careful. “How do you feel?”

A shiver trembled through Eddie’s bones. “Sick.” He sighed. “Confused.”

Buck shifted again, and Eddie was afraid he was going to move across the gap that parted them, was afraid Buck would touch him, try to hold him. He didn’t want anyone to touch him at the moment. Perhaps Buck sensed it; he sank back in his seat and drained his beer bottle in one long draught, then let out a terrible sigh. “I’m sorry, Eddie.”

“Why are you sorry?” Eddie asked, startled. 

“Well, I’m at least a little responsible for you feeling this way.”

Eddie snorted. His voice cracked as he muttered, “You’re not the one making me have sex.”

“No,” Buck agreed. “But I am the one who made you realise you were doing something you didn’t want to do.”

“I wanted to, some of the time,” Eddie said.

“Great,” Buck said. “And the rest of the time?”

Exasperation stained Eddie’s words. “I don’t know, Buck! Because I had to?”

A delicate silence fell between them, and finally Buck did move, closing the gap between them to lay a hand against Eddie’s forearm, the touch as tenuous as a silk thread. “Eddie, you never have to.”

Gaze falling to Buck’s fingers, curled warm and soft around his arm, Eddie blinked against the burn in his eyes and murmured, “If that’s true … then why am I doing it?”

Buck’s thumb rubbed a slow, soothing path along the edge of Eddie’s arm. “I can’t answer that,” he said apologetically. “There could be a lot of reasons. I’m here though, if you want to talk things out.”

“I dunno,” Eddie breathed. “I just want to stop feeling like this.”

“I get it,” Buck said softly. “But it won’t stop until you understand why you’re feeling it.”

Snorting, Eddie muttered, “There’s always a fucking catch.”

“You don’t have to figure it out right this second,” Buck said, squeezing Eddie’s arm gently. “Let’s have another drink.”

Eddie nodded, breathing a long sigh of relief as Buck released him and moved away, heading inside to grab fresh beers from the fridge. Eddie took the precious moments to repin his composure in place, offering Buck a lying smile as he returned and pressed an icy bottle into Eddie’s palm. “So,” he said, purposefully changing the subject. “What’s happening with you and Tommy?”

Buck’s eyes pinched, his brow pulling into tight lines. “Nothing,” he said, his tone a little stiff.

Surprised and curious, Eddie tipped his head to one side and pressed gently, “Did you call him?”

Shaking his head as he snapped the cap off his beer, Buck twitched one shoulder. “Nah.”

“Oh.” A twist of emotion spiralled through Eddie’s chest. He breathed into it to keep it in place. “Why not?”

Buck shrugged again. “A few reasons,” he muttered, but strangely did not elaborate. It made Eddie suspicious.

“Is it because of me?” he asked.

“You?” Buck’s eyes flashed up to catch Eddie’s, a spark of light catching the soft panic in them.

“Because you’ve been preoccupied with my problems,” Eddie clarified.

“Oh, right.” Buck cleared his throat and fidgeted slightly, squirming in his seat. “Partly.”

“Well, what’s the other part?”

Glancing away, Buck’s eyes went distant as he paused before explaining, “I want to understand this element of myself on my own before I act on it,” he said finally. “And when I thought more about it, I realised I was reacting to a kiss and not focusing on the other things … like Tommy leaving me stranded in the middle of our date.”

“He did what?!” Eddie barked.

“I don’t completely blame him,” Buck continued, ignoring Eddie’s snap. “But the more I thought about it the more it bugged me.”

“Understandable,” Eddie said, a thread of indignation burning in his belly. “Wow. I thought he was cool.”

“He is,” Buck said. “But there’s a lot going on in my head at the moment, and Tommy would just be … a distraction at best and a complication at worst. I don’t need that at the moment.”

“Well, well done, Buck.” Eddie reached out his bottle, and with a bemused raise of his eyebrows, Buck clinked his against it. “That’s very mature of you.”

“Yeah,” Buck said with an amused huff. “I’m growing.”

“You are,” Eddie said, agreeing despite Buck’s deliberate flippancy. He smiled. “I’m proud of you.”

A soft pink blush touched Buck’s cheeks. “Thanks, Eddie,” he murmured. And then, with all the obvious deliberateness that Eddie had used, he also changed the subject.

<*-*>

For a few days, Eddie moped around the house. Christopher came home, took the news about the breakup not exactly badly but not well either. He seemed surprised and was hurt that he hadn’t had a chance to say goodbye.

“If you want to ring Marisol you can,” Eddie offered softly, but Christopher shook his head and retreated to his room, not speaking to Eddie again until dinnertime.

He spent as much time as he could not thinking about why he felt obligated to always say yes to sex. Whenever the thoughts tickled his mind, a wave of nausea swept through him, souring his insides. He pushed the issue aside and refused to deal with it.

On Thursday, as Eddie was pretending not to think about things while folding laundry, there was a confident knock at the door. 

Throwing a glance over his shoulder, Eddie frowned softly and went to answer it. He eased the door open and straightened in surprise. “Tommy.”

“Hey.” Tommy greeted him with a broad smile that collapsed a moment later into a quizzical frown. He said, “Basketball?”

“Ohh.” Eddie roughed a hand across his face.

“You forgot,” Tommy said. Eddie couldn’t read his tone.

“Yeah,” he said apologetically. “I did.”

“That’s okay,” Tommy said. “Do you still wanna go? We’ve got time for you to get organised.”

Eddie grimaced, but stepped back and gestured Tommy inside. “I don’t have anyone to stay with Chris.”

“Marisol’s busy?” Tommy asked as he followed Eddie towards the couch and sank down in one corner.

Gritting his teeth for a moment, Eddie muttered, “We broke up.”

Tommy glanced up at him, looking bamboozled. “You broke up with your babysitter?”

Giving him a sharp look, Eddie said carefully, “She was my girl friend.”

Eyes slowly going wide, Tommy’s mouth moved but he didn’t say anything for a moment. When he finally did, his words left Eddie stunned and icy. “So I guess that explains why you haven’t responded to my flirting.”

“Your what!?” Eddie blurted.

Shrugging, Tommy blinked up at him. He watched Eddie as though he was a conundrum he needed to puzzle out. “You didn’t even notice my flirting, did you?”

Swallowing, Eddie pressed his lips together and shook his head. “I’m not so good at noticing that stuff,” he muttered. Then he frowned. “What about Buck?”

“Oh, so he told you?” Tommy said easily. He took a considering breath before continuing. “Evan’s very sweet. But it wasn’t him who initially caught my eye.”

“What?” Eddie muttered. 

“C’mon, Eddie. I wasn’t that subtle about it.”

Shifting uncomfortably, Eddie avoided Tommy’s eye. “I had no idea.”

Arching one eyebrow, Tommy tipped his head slightly. “Well, you do now.”

There was a hidden question in the tone of his voice, one that Eddie did not want to answer. He fidgeted, flicking his eyes around the room and wishing Christopher would come out of his bedroom and interrupt them.

Chancing a glance at Tommy, Eddie discovered him waiting, watching with expectant eyes. Swallowing, Eddie dropped his gaze again and muttered, “I don’t think I’m up to basketball today.”

Sighing, Tommy rose to his feet and studied Eddie for a few moments. His lips twitched as though there were a dozen things he wanted to say, but the words that finally left his mouth were not ones Eddie had anticipated. “There’s something between you and Evan, isn’t there?”

Eyes narrowing, Eddie didn’t answer.

Tommy sighed again and gave a helpless shrug. “Okay, well. When you know what you want, you have my number.” Tapping one finger to his brow in an idle salute, Tommy turned and let himself out, leaving Eddie nonplussed and alone in the centre of his living room.

<*-*>

Eddie’s feelings for Buck were not news to him. But he did not feel comfortable having others comment on them, on the possibility that they might be returned. Eddie rarely allowed himself the luxury of thinking about anything more than what they had. It was wonderful already. It was enough. And if he wanted more, well … he was used to the wanting.

On Saturday, Buck came over for dinner, burdened with a sack full of groceries and prepared to take over Eddie’s kitchen. Eddie pretended to help, but they both knew Buck only tasked him with things that were essentially busy work and had no impact on the quality of the meal.

“How was basketball?” Buck asked, his tone deceptively light. Eddie saw through it in a moment. 

“I didn’t go,” he said, scrubbing a carrot against a grater.

“Oh,” Buck said, then paused before continuing. “Was Tommy disappointed?”

Eddie raised one eyebrow. “You want to know if Tommy asked about you?” he said.

Colour stained Buck’s face. “I guess I wondered,” he admitted.

Eddie sighed and shoved the heel of the carrot into his mouth. Crunching it between his teeth, he spoke through a mouthful of pieces. “Well, I hate to let you down but he didn’t ask after you.” Pausing, Eddie mashed the carrot into pulp and swallowed. “In fact, I think he kinda made a pass at me.”

“He what?” Buck demanded, and Eddie cringed, realising too late that he had probably just punched Buck right in the ego.

“Shit, sorry,” Eddie mumbled, sweeping some peels into the bin before passing Buck the plate of grated carrot. “I shouldn’t have said anything.”

Buck dusted his hands on the apron Eddie had bought specifically for when he visited, and turned to him with a glare. “He heard you broke up with Marisol and immediately made a pass at you?”

Startled, Eddie blinked. “Actually,” he began, and then outlined their brief conversation in short words, skimming over what Tommy had said about him and Buck. 

Buck looked thunderous. 

“Are you upset?” Eddie asked carefully.

Eyes sharp, Buck pouted. “You’ve got a lot going on right now,” he said. “So yeah, Tommy should back off.”

“It’s not like he did anything,” Eddie said, surprised by Buck’s response.

“All the same,” Buck grumbled. He watched Eddie for a long moment before turning back to the meal he was prepping. “If you need me to have words with him, just say.”

“I do not need you to do anything,” Eddie said, but something niggled at him in the way Buck was reacting. “Relax, Buck.”

Snorting, Buck didn’t answer.

Eddie sighed. “I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have told you. I’m sure he didn’t just kiss you because I wasn’t responding to his flirting.”

“What?” Buck threw him another glance, this one bamboozled. “I wasn’t even thinking that.”

“Oh.” Eddie blinked, confused. “What were you thinking?”

There was a very, very long pause. Eddie had just about given up expecting an answer when Buck murmured, “Nothing, Eddie.”

“It’s clearly not nothing,” Eddie said as gently as he could. “I can see you’re upset.”

Another achingly long silence drew between them. Buck stared down at the countertop, no longer working on their meal. Then he said in a tone so low Eddie struggled to hear him, “I don’t want you dating Tommy.”

“Well,” Eddie said easily. “Done. ‘Cause I don’t want to date him.”

“Good,” Buck said, picking up his knife again. “Thank you.”

Trying to parse Buck’s attitude, Eddie’s heart sank as he realised that Buck must have felt something deeper for Tommy than he had let on. He rested gentle fingertips against Buck’s elbow and murmured, “Maybe you should call him after all.”

“Huh?” Buck gazed at him. “No. Why would I do that?”

“Well, you clearly feel something for him.”

Eyes pinching into narrow slits, Buck shook his head. “It’s not about Tommy,” he said, and then his mouth snapped shut so hard Eddie heard his teeth click together.

“Then what is it about?” Eddie asked before his common sense could tell him not to.

Fidgeting with the knife in his hand, Buck scraped the blade across the chopping board a few times, slicing thin lines into the wooden surface. “I think…” he started, then stalled, dropping the knife with a sigh. But he did not continue the thought.

“Hey.” Eddie moved nearer, curled one hand around Buck’s shoulder and pressed his thumb gently into the notch of his collar bone. His tone was gentle and inviting. “You can tell me.”

Sighing, Buck raised his eyes and held Eddie’s gaze with an uncharacteristic timidity. One hand, wet with tomato juice, came up and covered Eddie’s, before pulling Eddie’s palm away from his shoulder. He wrapped their fingers together, his grip gentle, careful. 

Glancing at their hands, Eddie flicked his gaze back up to Buck’s and murmured, “Buck, what is it?”

“I think…” Buck breathed, his eyes shining like beacons in the dim kitchen lighting. He released a slow breath and his voice became a tender whisper. “I think I’m in love with you.”

Eddie’s heart stampeded around his chest, thumping hard enough that his pulse vibrated against his eardrums. His fingers locked around Buck’s, threaded through them and squeezed. Words slipped past his tongue without thought. “When you’re sure,” he breathed, “will you let me know?”

Buck’s eyes widened and he nodded. His tongue darted across his lips. “So, you …?”

Nodding, Eddie squeezed Buck’s hand again, and moved a step closer. 

“Wow,” Buck sighed. Slowly, he raised his free hand and curved it against Eddie’s face, cupping his jaw, brushing his cheekbone. His eyes pulled away from Eddie’s, following the sweep of his own thumb tip as it traced Eddie’s skin, and then … dropping to his mouth. Buck snagged one lip with his teeth then whispered, “Eddie … can I kiss you?”

“Please god, yes,” Eddie replied, tipping his face into Buck’s touch.

Flushing a soft red, Buck closed the space between them, one hand crushing around Eddie’s, the other holding his face, and he leaned in to press their lips together. 

Immediately, a wave of giddiness coursed through Eddie’s brain, leaving him dizzy. He looped his arm around Buck’s back and steadied himself by leaning into his warm strength. Buck shivered against him, his fingers slipping into Eddie’s hair as he tilted his head and kissed him with an earnestness that left Eddie breathless.

Gently, Buck’s tongue touched Eddie’s lip and he met it with his own, tasting a sweetness in Buck’s mouth as they deepened the kiss. Hungrily, Buck surged against him, pressing Eddie back against the kitchen table. His every touch, every movement, was yearning and desperate but endlessly gentle. Eddie melted against him.

Pinned between Buck and the table, Eddie was breathing hard when Buck finally drew back, keeping his hand in Eddie’s hair, their fingers still clasped together. For a moment, they watched one another, and then Buck chuckled brightly, a sound so wonderfully cheerful that Eddie immediately joined him. 

Buck stroked his fingers through Eddie’s hair, destroying the style … but it felt so wonderful when his knuckles tugged errant locks, his fingertips raking Eddie’s scalp. Humming, Eddie tipped into it 

“Wow,” Buck breathed again. “I never thought I’d get to touch you like this.”

Eddie’s eyes flickered open, met Buck’s bright gaze. He swallowed. “How long have you wanted it?”

Expression turning complicated, Buck shrugged. “I think, honestly, since the moment I saw you. But I didn’t know what it was until…”

“Until when?” Eddie asked when Buck trailed off.

His cheeks darkened again. “Until you told me nothing was gonna change between us,” Buck admitted lowly. “I know you meant to be reassuring, but it fucking broke my heart.”

“Oh.”

“I’ve thought of nothing but how much I wanted things to be different ever since,” Buck went on. “It’s been eating me alive. I didn’t know … you feel the same?”

Nodding, Eddie pulled Buck’s hand to his chest and pressed it against his heart. “Feel that?” he whispered, his heartbeat pummelling his sternum. Buck nodded. “It’s for you.”

Buck’s eyes glossed with joyful tears and he pulled Eddie close to kiss him again. The welcome heat of his mouth was fleeting though, as he pulled out of the kiss to drag his lips across Eddie’s cheek, his jaw, down his throat. Rolling his head back, cradled against Buck’s palm, Eddie groaned as Buck’s mouth pressed perfectly against his throat.

Humming in response, Buck wriggled closer, until Eddie was sitting on the kitchen table, Buck between his thighs, his kisses trailing lower. Nuzzling the hollow of Eddie’s throat, Buck’s tongue dipped into the space between his collarbones and Eddie huffed softly, urging Buck closer. Pressing against him, for a moment Eddie thought Buck was going to stretch him out across the table and climb on top of him—but a beat later he eased back to stare down at Eddie, eyes lust-blown, lips pouting. “Chris could come in,” he whispered.

“Oh,” Eddie murmured, snapping back to the world with an abrupt disappointment that amplified a hundred-fold as Buck stepped back and reached out to help Eddie up as well. For a moment they stood together, chest to chest, sharing heat and breath, and then Buck sighed and lowered his eyelids, hiding a complicated gaze. 

“What’s wrong?” Eddie asked, sensing a sudden distance between them. 

Buck shook his head. “Nothing,” he said, with a wide and genuine smile. “But we should finish cooking  dinner.”

Glancing around at the half-prepared vegetables, the abandoned utensils, Eddie released a sad breath. “Okay,” he agreed.

Looping one hand around Eddie’s head again, Buck stroked his hair for a moment and offered him a reassuring grin. “We’ll pick this up again once Chris is in bed?”

Anticipation bubbled within Eddie’s chest, and he nodded. “Yes.”

<*-*>

Eddie poured wine with dinner and by the time Christopher climbed into bed he was feeling a little more tipsy than he thought was wise given the conversation he and Buck were waiting to have. Still, when he returned to the living room, he found Buck had drained the remainder of the bottle into their glasses.

“Welcome back,” Buck said with a wide smile, patting the seat beside him. Eddie slipped into the space and Buck scooted closer to him. Their thighs pressed together and a thrill zipped through Eddie’s blood, sending sparks pinging throughout his body.

“Thanks,” Eddie said, and a moment later Buck wound both arms around his body and kissed him, so softly it made Eddie’s head spin. He surrendered to it, twisting both fists in Buck’s shirt as they shuffled against the cushions, fitting their bodies together.

When they finally drew apart, Eddie was half reclined, squashed happily between Buck’s welcome weight and the arm of the couch. Smoothing one palm beneath Buck’s shirt, Eddie absorbed the smooth warmth of his skin while Buck trembled against the chill of his fingers.

“Kissing you might be the best thing I’ve ever done,” Buck whispered against Eddie’s cheek. 

“Do it again,” Eddie breathed, and Buck did, kissing him sweetly and lingering, before sighing against his lips and finally straightening up again. 

Eddie wriggled into a sit as well, eager to keep his body close to Buck’s, sharing his warmth, touching his skin. Buck smiled at him beautifully, then reached for their glasses and pressed one into Eddie’s hand. 

“So,” he murmured around the lip of his own glass, wine staining his grinning lips. 

Waiting, Eddie drank as well, but Buck did not go on. “So?”

“I dunno,” Buck said, still grinning. “This is amazing.”

Nodding as he swallowed, Eddie watched Buck with soft eyes.

Staring back, Buck put his glass down as he cleared his throat, a touch of shyness colouring his gaze. “Can I ask…”

“What?”

The tip of Buck’s tongue peeked between his lips, and Eddie immediately wanted to kiss him again. “How long have you …?”

“Been in love with you?” Eddie whispered lowly, and Buck’s face flooded with vibrant red, a rush of blood staining his skin. Eddie flushed too, a vice gripping his chest. Tightly, he said, “Isn’t that what you were asking?”

“Sorry,” Buck muttered, and his hand was shaking as he reached out and slotted his fingers between Eddie’s. “Just, hearing you say it like that. Wow.”

“Oh.” Eddie looked down at their hands, relishing the warmth of Buck’s skin against his own. He took a stabilising sip of his wine, then placed his glass down beside Buck’s. “Well, I am. And I have been. For a long time.”

Buck nodded with an uncharacteristic seriousness. “I’ve been doing a lot of thinking this past couple of weeks. A lot of soul searching. And at the centre of everything … is you. And it’s like you’ve always been there and I just didn’t understand what I was feeling.” Buck gave him a careful stare. “But you knew? How you felt?”

“Mhm.” Eddie nodded.

Rolling his shoulders uncomfortably, Buck murmured, “You never said anything.”

“What would I have said?” Eddie asked softly.

A look of understanding and acceptance cast across Buck’s face. Then he said, “I wish you’d been the one to kiss me.”

Eddie wanted to reassure him that he would have, if he had suspected Buck would have liked it … but their history was convoluted enough that he couldn’t be sure the time would ever have come. 

Pulling Buck’s knuckles to his mouth, Eddie murmured instead, “I can kiss you now…”

“I’d like that,” Buck said with a gentle smile. “Kissing you … is incredible.”

“Everything about this,” Eddie murmured, “is incredible.”

“Yeah,” Buck beamed. “It really is.”

<*-*>

Wakefulness crept across Eddie’s mind and he slid one eye open to discover Buck watching him. “Hey,” he murmured.

“Hi.” Buck’s expression was tight and complicated. Blinking, Eddie tried to clear the sleepy blur from his eyes, wondering if he was imagining it.

“Did I sleep?” Eddie asked, stretching his naked body out across the bed. The rumpled covers were bunched around his waist, legs and chest bared to the cool night.

“Mhm,” Buck hummed.

A yawn parted Eddie’s lips and he smiled as he reached out and curled one arm around Buck, sliding his hand across warm, smooth skin. “Did you?”

Buck shook his head against the pillow. His troubled face was painfully visible in the glow of the bedside lamp. A nervous shiver crept through Eddie’s body.

“Have you just been … watching me?” he asked carefully. 

“I’ve been thinking,” Buck replied, and more shivers danced along Eddie’s spine. 

Swallowing, he pressed his lips together and finally murmured, “Are you having regrets?”

Wrapping a hand around Eddie’s arm, Buck stroked him reassuringly. “Not for a second. I’m just … we kinda rushed this.”

Snorting softly, Eddie smiled. “If you wanna call six years rushing, sure.”

“No, I meant …” Buck’s tongue touched his bottom lip. His eyes drifted away from Eddie’s. “We drank a lot. And this wasn’t planned. We didn’t even talk first, we just …”

Understanding bloomed across Eddie’s mind. “You’re worried I didn’t want to.”

“Mm.” Buck glanced at him nervously. “Yeah, I guess I am.”

“Buck, I climbed onto your lap and shoved you across my couch.”

“Yeah, I know,” Buck murmured, meeting Eddie’s eyes with a dark, worried stare. “But I never asked you. You never said yes. I’m afraid we just got carried away in the moment and you didn’t feel comfortable enough to tell me to stop.”

“We don’t always need to say yes in words,” Eddie said softly, a thread of unease winding through him.

“That’s true,” Buck agreed. “But given what you’ve told me, I’d feel more comfortable if we use some enthusiastic consent while we … get used to this new element of our relationship.”

Brow crumpling, Eddie drummed his fingertips against Buck’s spine. “You make it sound kinda clinical,” he mumbled. “What the hell is enthusiastic consent?”

“It’s about making sure there’s a yes to be sexual with each other,” Buck said, his thumb sweeping a slow back and forth across Eddie’s arm. “Rather than accepting the absence of a no.”

The words sank in slowly, spiralling around Eddie’s mind. He took a slow, deep breath. “So you mean that me not saying no isn’t the same as me saying yes?”

“Right,” Buck agreed.

Releasing his breath on a sigh, Eddie shrugged, not sure he completely understood. “I can try,” he murmured. “But it sounds like it might ruin the mood.”

“Not for me it won’t,” Buck said. “Consent is sexy, Eddie.”

Scooting closer, Eddie slotted their bodies together, hooking one knee over Buck’s hips. “Is this okay?” he whispered, pressing himself against Buck. 

“ Yes ,” Buck hissed back, wrapping Eddie within tight arms and pressing back. “But don’t think I don’t know what you’re doing.”

“Mm,” Eddie said. “What am I doing?”

“Distracting me so you don’t have to talk about yourself.”

“Oh, you got that, huh?”

Rolling his eyes, Buck gave an indulgent laugh. “You’re lucky you’re cute.”

Heat flushed through Eddie’s body, an irrepressible smile pulling across his mouth. Then he said softly, “Trust me, Buck. I definitely wanted to touch you. To be touched by you. And since you’re still here and we’re both still naked, I’d like to do it again. If you want to.”

With one strong, swift move, Buck pushed him onto his back and covered Eddie’s body with his own, rocking their hips together. His voice was rough as he buried his face in Eddie’s neck and nipped at his skin. “I very fucking want to.”

Gasping, Eddie tipped his head sideways to encourage Buck’s eager mouth. His hand skated up Buck’s body, over his warm neck, around the back of his head. “More,” he breathed.

“More,” Buck promised him, kissing Eddie’s throat. “Everything. I’m going to lose myself in you.”

<*-*>

The next few weeks were bathed in a golden glory, pure happiness and wonder, something Eddie had rarely known. He was with Buck, and Buck was with him, and the rest of the world paled beyond the spotlight of their new relationship.

After a week they told Christopher and Maddie, and a fortnight after that they told everyone else, earning a mix of responses that varied from happy surprise to gleeful ‘about time’s. 

There was sweetness and support in a way Eddie had never known, and sex, so much sex that his body ached with it, deliciously, and his bed smelt so invitingly like Buck that Eddie was reluctant to wash his sheets.

One afternoon, they were lounging together at Buck’s loft, the afternoon sunlight casting a dull orange glow across Buck’s warm, bare skin as he trailed tender fingers along the curve of Eddie’s waist, whispering darling words that made Eddie’s heart pump three times harder than usual.

Melting into Buck’s touch, Eddie wrapped himself in the safety of Buck’s love. Floating in a perfect moment, warm and cosy and secure, Eddie blinked when Buck’s adoring words were suddenly punctuated with a whispered, “Please fuck me.”

Blinking, Eddie peeled a smile across his mouth and said, “Sure.”

But Buck’s eyes narrowed, lines crumpling his brow. “No,” he said. “Not ‘sure’.”

“What’s wrong with ‘sure’?” Eddie asked, his body stiffening at Buck’s tone. “It’s as good as a yes.”

“Not from you, it isn’t,” Buck murmured. “I know you. And you can tell me if you don’t want to have sex.”

Something that felt dangerously like anxiety flushed Eddie’s body, pouring through him on a wave of fire. He burned with it, every thump of his twisted heart scorching the inside of his chest. He said nothing.

Buck wriggled a little closer, smoothing his palm into the dip of Eddie’s waist. “Eddie, you can tell me no.”

A wash of emotion surged through him, and Eddie’s eyes stung as he squeezed them shut and gave his head a tiny shake. “I don’t think I can.”

Sighing gently, Buck moved closer still, closing the space between them. He placed one hand over the stampeding thump of Eddie’s heart, absorbing the reckless pattern of its beat. Softly, he said, “I want you to tell me no.”

A single, treacherous tear slipped from Eddie’s left eye and streaked down the side of his nose. “Why would you want that?”

“Because it’s important to me,” Buck said, his voice a delicate hush as he brushed his fingers in a soothing sweep across Eddie’s chest. “I never want you to feel like you have to with me. I never want you to do it when you don’t want to. I’ll survive if you say no. But it will hurt us both if we have sex when you don’t want to.”

Another tear stole down Eddie’s face and he scrubbed at it impatiently. “No one’s ever wanted me to say no before,” he croaked. “I’ve always felt like I have to … perform. On demand.”

“Well, you don’t,” Buck insisted. “And you’ll never have to again.”

The tears came properly then, striping down Eddie’s cheeks as he shuffled against to Buck’s soothing warmth, buried his face in the soft, old tank top covering Buck’s chest. His tears seeped into the fabric and Buck’s palm crept into his hair, ruffling and playing with it gently. Hiccoughing, Eddie’s mumble was fragile. “I don’t want to have sex right now. I just want to hold you.”

“I want to hold you too,” Buck whispered, squeezing him. “So let’s do that.”

Nuzzling into him, desperate to keep his face hidden, Eddie muttered, “I’m sorry.”

Buck squeezed him, slow hands stroking his hair, his back. “You absolutely do not have to be sorry.”

Eddie sniffed. “But I’m leaving you wanting.”

“No,” Buck said firmly. “You’re not. This isn’t about me.”

“It is, though,” Eddie whimpered. “You deserve—”

Sharply, Buck cut him off. “You don’t owe me intimacy, Eddie. You don’t. You don’t .”

Wanting to protest, Eddie knew Buck would deflect any ‘but’ he came up with. Instead, he curled one fist in Buck’s singlet and dabbed it against his eyes. 

“Are you wiping your nose on me?” 

Startled, Eddie coughed a damp laugh and shook his head. “No,” he sighed, wriggling a little, trying impossibly to get nearer to Buck. A delicate silence rested between them and then he murmured, “I was really loving the sweetness,” he murmured. “Just us together, your soft words. I’m sorry I ruined it.”

“Nothing is ruined,” Buck whispered, crushing him close. “I fucking love you.”

Heart warbling, Eddie smiled into Buck’s damp tank top. “I fucking love you too,” he sighed.

<*-*>

It took time, but Buck was endlessly patient with him. When Eddie floundered and struggled to say no, Buck held him until he was reassured and felt safe in his choice. Still, it was weeks before he actually said that single word.

“Hey,” Buck whispered after Eddie slammed his palm down on the clock radio, silencing the screech of the alarm. Buck was spending more nights at Eddie’s than he was at home, and that was the way they both wanted it. Wriggling closer, Buck looped his thigh over Eddie’s hip and pressed determinedly against him. “Morning glory?” he murmured sleepily. 

And the word came to him, bubbling behind his lips and waiting for a moment while Eddie collected his courage and then breathed, “No...”

Eyes flashing open, Buck stared at him with parted lips that curled into a slow, beaming grin. “Okay,” he said brightly, then, “I’m so proud of you.”

A flush warmed Eddie’s skin, but he smiled as well. “Thanks,” he mumbled, pulling Buck into a sweet, lingering kiss. “I am so in love with you,” he sighed as they broke apart.

“I’m in love with you,” Buck said. Then his eyes floated shut again. “Come and wake me when breakfast’s ready?”

“Sure thing,” Eddie promised. Kissing Buck’s brow, he slunk from their bed.

As he stepped under the pelting steam of the shower, Eddie smiled to himself, glad Buck had not made a fuss about his answer. It felt natural, and it felt safe, and that was what counted. He knew it would not always be so easy to say no, but he felt closer to the person he wanted to be, both within himself and with Buck, and Eddie held onto that feeling as he let the hot water course across his tired skin.

And he held onto that feeling later in the day, when his libido spurred him to grab Buck by his collar and drag him into bed while Buck grinned against his lips and muttered something about Eddie being addicted to afternoon delight.

And he held onto that feeling as they curled together afterwards, safe within the circle of one another’s arms, and drifted towards a dozy nap. Eddie pressed his sleepy mouth to Buck’s brow and rested, knowing that they would always work together, knowing they would always have each other’s backs, and knowing he was safe and loved as long as Buck was in his life.