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English
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Published:
2024-06-24
Completed:
2024-06-26
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1,574
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2/2
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This is it, isn't it?

Summary:

"This is it, isn't it?"

"This is it."

Notes:

This two are literally hunting my every waking thought.
Don't hate me for this one.
Enjoy!❤️

Translation in Russian by Maria_pok available here

Chapter 1

Notes:

(See the end of the chapter for notes.)

Chapter Text

They were fighting again. Neil didn't even know what about, but all they did this past few months was fight and Neil was getting tired. He didn’t know what had gotten into them. They were supposed to be okay.

They had steady jobs that didn’t make them fly all over the country since they both retired a long time ago. Andrew was working at the youth center, helping kids who reminded him of the little boy he used to be. It was triggering at times, but Neil could see how much it healed the broken kid inside of his husband.

Neil coached a little league team. He paid his debts to the Morianas with fifteen years of his professional exy career. He had gotten a lot of offers to coach pro or college teams, but he didn’t want that. Although Andrew and him decided a long time ago that they weren’t going to have any kids of their own and neither of them has regretted that decision, they both found a type of katarsis in shaping young minds. They were giving these kids the chance that was given to them too late and healing parts of themselves in the process.

They were far from okay at every single stage of their lives no matter how much they helped each other grow. They were foxes after all, but lately it seemed that no matter how good of a day it was the moment they were both home it turned into a bad one.

“What are we even fighting about here, Andrew?” Neil said interrupting Andrew’s furious monologue about not putting knives next to spoons in the dishwasher.

Andrew looked like he was about to continue and emphasized his point about proper placement of utensils, but after looking at Neil decided against it.

“I don’t know.” He said, suddenly looking as tired as Neil felt.

They both flopped on the couch and stared into nothingness, either daring to break the silence. It was the calmest they have been around each other in months and Neil sighed with relief. His hand found Andrew’s and he interlocked their fingers without saying a word.

Andrew squeezed his hand three times and Neil responded with the same gesture. It was something they started doing even back in college. Back when Andrew still kept insisting that there wasn’t anything between them. Neil told him that he was tired of being nothing and Andrew said that he couldn’t give Neil what he wanted.

Neil saying that Andrew was what he wanted was only met with a glare. They didn’t speak to each other for a week after that. Neil was giving Andrew his space and patiently waited. He was scared that it was over, but after one of the night practices Andrew dragged him on the roof and told him that they were something.

“I’m not going to say it again and that is as much words as you are going to get from me on that matter. Take it or leave it.” Andrew said to him with a blank expression. Over the years his face would gain more and more emotion, but back then, on the roof of the fox tower it remained empty.

“I don’t need you to say anything to me Andrew. I just–,” Neil wasn’t sure what he wanted from Andrew exactly. “Maybe just don’t deny it so much?” No, that didn’t seem right. Neil didn’t mind the denials, he knew almost every time what Andrew really meant by them.

“I used do this thing with my mom.” He said suddenly after some thought. “When we were hiding and couldn’t speak to each other. She would squeeze my hand three times to let me know that everything was okay, that she lo–,” Neil stopped abruptly and cleared his throat, “That she was there and I would squeeze back.”

Neil knew that his slip up was noticed by Andrew. He was prepared for the blonde to walk out the door and never speak to him again, but Andrew took his hand gentler than he had ever touched Neil and squeezed it three times. Neil was mesmerized and almost didn’t squeeze back.

“What are you thinking about?” The current Andrew ripped him away from his thoughts.

He tilted his head to the side and looked at the hazel eyes staring back at him.

“About the first time we did that.” He said while raising their intertwined hands.

“It seems like a memory from another life.” Andrew whispered with a sad expression.

“Yeah, we wre so young. Who would have thought that we would still be together after all this time.” Neil said with a smile that didn’t reach his eyes.

He felt tears starting to form in his eyes and he had to look down for a second to not start crying. They survived so much, together and separately. They helped each other in ways no one else could.

They were both self destructive so it was not a surprise that they would both hold on to each other even if it physically hurt them.

But Neil was done being a martyr. He was done hurting himself to survive. He knew what needed to be done, but that knowledge didn’t make it any easier for him. He looked back into Andrew’s eyes and said through the lump in his throat. “This is it, isn’t it?”

Andrew’s hand left his. The blonde closed his eyes and took a couple deep breaths. Neil saw every emotion leaving his husband’s expression. He wanted to scream at him to not shut him out. Not now. But what was the point? He had no right to Andrew’s emotions anymore.

As the hazel eyes opened again, Neil was met with a blank expression he hadn't seen directed at him in what felt like forever. The voice that came out of Andrew’s mouth sounded almost unrecognizable. “This is it.”

Neil couldn’t help the tears from falling down his cheeks. He wanted to curl up on the couch and never get up again, but if Andrew was going back to his old habits, maybe Neil should as well.

He reluctantly got up from the couch and after grabbing his keys and putting on his running shoes he was out the door.

It was cold outside and he didn’t put any jacket on, but he didn’t care. He was running and he didn’t even know where. Everything disappeared. There was only him and the road ahead. After all that was all that mattered. Neil was stupid to think , even for a second, that there was anything more in store for him.

Notes:

I'm supposed to study for finals, but this two refuse to leave my mind.
All day my brain kept coming up with scenes for my other fic ( Help me remember ) wich I won't even get to use in the next few chapters, so they will be just lying in my drafts.

Chapter 2

Summary:

This is an alternative ending to this story.
Andrew is probably slightly OOC in this one, but I don't care.

Notes:

This is for @Journall. You asked so you shall receive.

Chapter Text

“This is it, isn’t it?” Neil asked through the lump in his throat.

Andrew’s hand left his. The blonde closed his eyes and took a couple deep breaths. Neil saw every emotion starting to leave his body and he desperately wanted to prevent that from happening.

“Don’t shut me out, Drew. Not now.” He pleaded.

Andrew looked at him with much more closed off expression than Neil saw directed at him for years, but a glint of his feelings were still there.

“What do you want me to do, Neil?” He asked with a slightly raised voice. “You tell me this is it and you expect me to be okay with it?”

“No, of course not.”

“Then what do you want from me?” Andrew said, standing up from the couch.

Neil looked at him and didn’t know what to say. He wanted… He…

He had no idea what he wanted. He was just tired and he needed it to end, but he didn’t want Andrew to shut him out. He didn’t want his last memories of the love of his life to be the blank expression on his face.

“Because I will do anything.” Andrew practically yelled and it took Neil off gourd. “Okay? I will do anything, just tell me what you want. Tell me what to do.”

“I-,” Neil had no words. His thoughts were racing and he lost all ability to speak.

Andrew kneeled in front of him, positioning himself between Neil’s slightly spread out legs. He put his hands on Neils thighs and looked at him pleadingly. “This doesn’t have to be it, just tell me what you want.” Andrew whispered.

Neil moved closer to Andrew and reached his hands towards his husband’s face. He waited for Andrew’s nod before cupping both of his cheeks.

“I want us to be okay.”

Andrew let out a quiet snort at that. “We’ll never be okay. We are foxes, remember?”

Neil shook his head. “No, I know that. I want ‘us’ to be okay.”

“Okay, I can do that.” Andrew whispered, leaning even closer to Neil. Their lips were mere inches from each other.

“How? We haven't been okay in months.”

“I don’t know. I will figure it out. Just stay.”

It didn’t make sense. Neil should have let Andrew shut off his emotions and run. There was probably a parallel universe where he did exactly that, but something in this one told him to fight for them.

As Andrew finally closed the space between them, Neil thought that this would end in a disaster either way, but at least they would know that they tried.

That’s all they could do in the end. Give each other a second, third, forth chance, whatever. As long as they got one more than anyone else wanted to give them.