Archive of Our Own ^beta

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You know, Cisco thinks given that his boyfriend has the same face of the guy who literally killed him he was pretty well adjusted person.

You know... if you ignore the nightmares, the flinching, the occasional distrust, the emergency go bag, and like one-hundred other things that were huge fucking warning signs in relationships. Still though, that's got to be the most adjusted anyone's ever been, in a similar situation right?

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Harry didn’t notice it at first.

He just thought Cisco was a more jumpy person than normal. Didn’t notice the difference in the action until after they got together. When they started spending more time together, more than just friends, and it became more frequent. Gave him more time to actually look at that quick expression on his face. To recognize how different it was from when other people did the same thing to Cisco.

Got too close, too fast and startled him. Never, has Cisco looked more distraught, more... horrified then when it happen with Harry. No lover should ever look at another like that. Harry might be a bit of a dick, he knows that, but he has never been the type of man to cause someone he loves to look at him like that. He made a point not to be. He thoughts those people the lowest of the low. He had no intention of ever becoming like them. It made him feel like shit to see that. To see Cisco look at him like something to truly fear, to get away from, then as he did with all their other friends and family. Even some villains don’t get such looks.

Fuck it was painful.

Still... Harry would not address it. He would not acknowledge it, pass the occasional thought. He wanted to bury it. To pretend it wasn’t happening. To just... to just hope it died away on it’s own. To not ruin the tentative relationship they’ve built with his insecurity. To let the actions of man he never even met take away his one, only, and likely last chance at this kind of love. He just wouldn’t let it happen.

But... everyone has a breaking point.

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It wasn’t a particularly significant moment. Not even one of the worst reactions Cisco had given him. Yet, it was the one that pushed him over board. That gave him such a visceral reaction, what was happening between them could not be denied.  

Cisco had been working in their lab. Yes, their lab now. Harry and he had worked in it long enough together and in Harry’s to where both of them belong to each other. Harry had as much right here as Cisco had on his world. While Cisco was working, Harry wasn’t sure on what, Harry hadn’t meant to be there for the day. He wasn’t even supposed to be on the planet. Was breaching back home in order to spend the day with his daughter.  

Cisco had sent him over himself. Harry, being the sometimes thoughtful lover he was, decided not to bother the man with a call to get him back. He’d use his own transport. Not as accurate or comfortable as going through one of Cisco’s superior breeches but it does the job all the same. Harry had landed in the control room and being so close to where he knew Cisco was most likely spending his day; decided to go see the younger man first before dropping his things back off home.  

He’d walked in, not even trying to be quiet on his way to the room and opened the door just as Cisco was turning around to move from one table to another. Jolting in place. No scream, not dropping of the things in his hand, not even a pissed off ‘Harry!’ being yelled out.  

Yet...  

It was that look. That same fucking look on his face that were there for a split second like it always was. He doesn’t know if it was the angel he was standing or the second it last longer than usual but something about it... was just so much clearer than times before. It definitely had an impact. One strong enough that it must have shown on Harry’s face as well because the look of contrition that followed the fear made the air all the more palpable.  

At this point, Harry just felt worn down. So, without a goodbye or even the hello he came to give; he adjusted his bag over his shoulder and with a tired sigh walked out the room as guilt ridden Cisco mentally fought with himself if he should follow him or not.  

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Cisco knows he has a problem.  

He’s not stupid or oblivious and most of the time has a pretty good grasp on his emotions or at least his understanding of them. He knows why he freaks so hard when Harry surprises him. He also knows why it clearly bothered the man so much. He just thought… that maybe, after some time the feelings would get better. They are! God, they really are. It’s just…  

They didn’t get better before they became unbearable for his lover.  

.  

.  

.  

Cisco’s urgent steps could be heard coming down the corridor. Harry barely kept his shoulders from tightening as he heard him enter the lab. He kept his head down and his hands working.  

“Okay, we need to talk about it.” Cisco said with an alarmingly serious tone. Cisco very rarely used that tone. Even in life-or-death situations.  

“What?” Harry asked, trying to dodge the conversation. A nasty habit.  

“You know what.” Cisco said . He wouldn’t let Harry play dumb like this.  

“....”  

“Harry, I know it bothers you.” Cisco admitted.  

“What? You mean the fact my lover hates my face? Why in the world would that bother me.” There was that much more comfortable sarcasm.  

“Don’t be a dick and push me away. We can work this out.” Cisco said, patiently. He was immune to Harry’s nasty ways by now and understood where it was coming from in this moment. He was just scared.  

“And would you put that down and look at me?” Cisco said, still remaining calm. Harry had yet to look up at him. Like he was trying to hide his face. Didn’t that fucking sting?  

Harry sighed and turned his way on the work bench also making room for Cisco to come sit too. Cisco came over to sit down and face him properly. Harry gave him an expectant look. Cisco decided to waste no time with a prelude.  

“Your face...” Cisco sighed out his start. Seeing how uncomfortable Harry was already looking. So tense and wrapped around himself. Cisco moved to take one of Harry’s hands in his own. He didn’t fight the move so to must be helping.  

“...was stolen by a murderous asshole.” Cisco stated the obvious.  

“One that killed me.” He kept his voice level like stating any fact. No accusations present.  

“It doesn’t matter if Barry erased it. I remember it. It happen. I’ll probably never really get over it.” Cisco said honestly. Harry looked hurt at that conclusion.  

“So, this is how it’s always going to be? Because I can’t-” Harry tried to say but Cisco placed a hand over his mouth. Shaking his head lightly. Harry waited patiently again for him to keep talking.  

“That does not mean, that I’ll always see him first when I see your face.” Cisco said softly. Reaching up to place a gentle hand on that face and rub his thumb side to side on those familiar cheeks. Already more the face of his lover then the face of his murder in his mind.  

“Even now, I look at you, all I see is the stubborn jackass that throws my stuff across the lab-” Cisco said and was proud to see he got a chuckle from the both of them.  

“-and the man who can be so sweet and adoring when he wants to be.” Cisco teased.  

“I don’t see that other man, that murder , at all. It’s just...” Cisco face tightened again.  

“Just what?” Harry asked softly and looking so defeated.  

“When I’m... when I’m not ready , when you catch me off guard... I don’t see you with that sane part of my mind. I see it with the scared side. The side that we all have. The one that’s kept us all alive so far. Knowing when to run when we actually have to. I don’t know if you’ve noticed but it’s kinda dangerous around here.” Cisco tried to end with a little humor.  

Once again ringing laughter through them and helping lighten the air after that heavy drop of information. Things seemed a but better now that he’d clear the air though. Harry looked resigned which was a far cry better then that hopelessness from before, Cisco saw in his eyes. His hands were back on Cisco. Holding the younger man’s hips firmly. A smile on his face that Cisco hadn’t seen in a while.  

“So, I just have to walk around with a bell on my neck from now on?” Harry joked but their was an underline serious tone in his voice. Maybe not for a bell but certainly thinking of a device to alert Cisco when he was near so that he wouldn’t’ shock him so much with a sudden appearance. Wearing a tracker for the sake of his relationship was well worth it.  

Cisco shook his head at the question.  

“No... I just have to retrain that side of my mind... the side that’s afraid to die... to recognize the furthest thing from a threat to me.” Cisco said lovingly. Leaning up so that they could share a sift kiss. Nothing heated but rather purely meant to convey the intense emotion between them in this moment. It got rid of that resignation and put a proper smile on both their faces. That is until Harry’s smile got a bit mischievous.  

“So, I just need to sneak up on you more is what I’m hearing?”  

“Don’t you fucking dare .”