Archive of Our Own ^beta

It all started with Tommy, as most adventures do. Joel was certain Tommy would make sure to mention that fact during his best man speech.

“You have got to get out more. You’re making me stir crazy just watching you sit at home.”

Joel rolled his eyes, packing Sarah’s lunch. He was happy to throw in some plums, Sarah’s favorite fruit, that he got from the food pantry. Since Sarah started kindergarten and he didn’t have to pay for nearly as much childcare, things had gotten less horrifically tight financially but now he was playing catch up. Catching pneumonia last winter had drained his little savings with an ER visit. Joel desperately wanted to not rely on charity, but he also didn’t want Sarah to go without. 

“How would you know, you’re never even home.” Since getting out of the army, Tommy has not adjusted well. Joel was happy to let him live in the house he built for his ex-fiance on his parents land they gifted when Sarah was born. Tommy was a help with Sarah and was good company when he wasn’t out partying.

“Hey.” Tommy looked a little offended. “I’m here plenty. Just ask Sarah.” Sarah adored her uncle.

Joel sighed. “You’re right.” He wasn’t. “But I ain’t going. I can’t afford that, and I’d like to spend my days off with Sarah.”

Tommy tossed a cosmic brownie from the box he bought into Sarah’s lunchbox. “Come oooooon. Sarah loves the babysitter, and one night out won’t traumatize her forever. I’ll pay for the sitter, I already got tickets and I’ll even cover your drinks.”

Joel would rather the money go towards Sarah’s next dental appointment, but he couldn’t tell Tommy where to spend his money, and he knew there was no saying no to his brother when he gets like this. “How many bands are playing? I ain’t sitting through three openers, Tom.”

“Just one! You’re coming!” Tommy ran out of the kitchen and took the stairs two at a time before Joel could protest. “Sarah! Guess who gets to hang out with Jessica tonight!” Joel could hear the sound of springs bouncing as Sarah cheered and called out if the bed breaks, Tommy’s fixing it.

After getting Sarah dressed, he sat her down on a chair in the kitchen and looked at the clock. “Only got time for a ponytail, baby girl.” Joel had figured out some simple hair care for thick hair he wasn’t quite equipped to work with. Before Sarah was before, he didn’t know how to do a single braid. Joel had practiced a little before Tommy had to chop off his hippie curls for the army but he still was lost in a lot of ways. 2 years ago, Joel must’ve looked particularly lost in the ethnic hair aisle with Sarah in the cart and a kind woman guided him to some hair gel, argan oil, and an edge brush, scribbling a few instructions on some scratch paper. That’s what's gotten him through this far. Joel kept thinking he needed to reach out somewhere or maybe find a book… but with what time? 

Kayla, Sarah’s mom, wasn’t much help either. Kayla was mixed and absolutely inherited the polish side as far as hair, where Sarah got her late grandma’s genes. Kayla wanted to chemically straighten Sarah’s beautiful curls last year when she had her over Easter, but Joel put his foot down. When she was older, if she wanted to do whatever she wanted with her hair she could but there was no way he was letting all those chemicals into a 4 year olds head just to make it “easier.” Joel could handle it.

She looked cute with her little puffball on the top of her head, anyway. 

“TOMMY! LETS GO!” Why was Tommy harder to get out the door than Sarah was?

Little hands tugged at his shirt. “Daddy I want coffee.” 

“No baby”

“Why?”

“It’s not good for little kids.”

“Uncle Tommy lets me have coffee.” Joel sighed loudly. “Of course he did. Well, Sarah, that’s an uncle thing, I don’t know what to tell you. TOMMYYY!”

Tommy’s heavy footsteps clomped down the steps, dashing out the door. “Come one Jojo, whatcha wait’n for?”

*

How did little kids have so much energy in the morning? Tommy included. Sarah chatty as ever on her way, talking excitedly about the eggs in the classroom's incubator. He tried to pay attention, he really did, but he was busy trying to figure out what bills he still owes. It was only September, one month into not having to pay out the ass for Sarah’s daycare. Was he even gonna be able to catch up at all before the summer comes? Her mom said she wanted to take her for the summer, but she was single right now and slightly more involved. When she finds a new man, she suddenly becomes much less interested in her child. Joel didn’t want Sarah around strange men all the time either.

“Daddy? Daddy? Daddy? Daddy?”

Tommy nudged Joel, calling him name for Sarah’s attention.

“What?” Joel said, not unkindly but perhaps a little too harsh than he wanted to speak around his daughter. 

“Happy birthday daddy.”

Joel closed his eyes briefly, wincing at his prior tone. “Thank you baby. I’ll bring home a cake, how about that.”

Both children in the car cheered.

Joel dropped Sarah off with several kisses on her forehead, then ran off to the truck. He might just be on time if he speeds a bit. He didn’t speed with Sarah in the truck, he was less careful with Tommy. 

“Just in time!” Tess’s voice greeted them in the farm house. “You guys eat?”

She knew the answer. Sarah’s kindergarten had a free breakfast program, leaving Joel and Tommy on their own and god knows they didn’t take proper care of themselves. Luckily, they had great bosses.

Joel, Tommy, and Tess all worked for Bill and Frank on their farm. Joel had stumbled on this job shortly after Kayla left and God, what a blessing. Bill and Frank had trouble finding help being the only gay farmers on the planet to felt like, but Joel wasn’t really in a position to deny a good paying job, not in this economy, not with a baby who barely had a mom around anymore. This was before Tommy came back from the army, and Joel’s parents dead a few years prior. He was alone.

That’s where he met Tess. She was something else. A woman working as a farm hand alone was surprising enough, but she was the first openly bisexual person Joel had met. Hell, she was the only the third gay person he knew of and the first woman. He’d lived a sheltered life. Still, Joel didn’t really see an issue with none of it. Wasn’t his business what two grown adults did, that was his thought on the matter. Not that he really had enough time to have thoughts on much of anything other than keeping Sarah and Tommy alive. When Tommy came back, he started working on the farm too.

Tess slid the men some pancakes, stating she knew it and went ahead and made extra.

Frank entered the room with something in his hand. “Wait!” He placed the item, which Joel saw was a candle, on the the pancake.

“Oh, no, you guys don’t gotta-”

“Shut the hell up, Miller.” Bill entered the room with a pack of cigarettes in one hand and a lighter in the other. He lit the candle, and then a cigarette. 

Frank took it out of his hand, putting it out under the sink. “If you absolutely must smoke, you’re not smoking inside our home.” He then turned back to Joel. “Happy birthday, Joel.” The forth employee, Max, enters the farmhouse and then embarrassingly, Franks leads everyone (except Bill) in a very shitty rendition of happy birthday.

*

“Hey,” Tess nudged Joel as she attempted to fix the clutch without calling Bill up. “You coming tonight?”

Joel rolled his eyes. “Yeah, Tommy convinced me. He also told Sarah it’s my birthday so now I gotta bring home cake and do a bit of the birthday thing with her. I was hoping to avoid it another year.”

She laughed at that. “Ah come on! It can’t be that bad.”

“She’s not, it’s my birthday that is.” 

“I know.” Tess patted his back.

Joel and her worked in silence for a moment, but he figured this was as good a time as any. “Hey uh… so. You and Tommy.”

Tess smirked, but didn’t look at him. “What about my dear friend?”

“Well uh, that’s just it…” Joel cleared his troat, rubbing the back of his neck. “It’s just, you guys been spending a lot of time together, and I’m just… well you know he’s at tough spot right now…-”

“When isn’t he?”

“Right. Well. I’m just wondering… Well.”

With a chuckle, she put down the wrench and turned to look at Joel with a smile. “You’re wondering if Tommy and I are an item.”

Cringing hard enough his eyes were closed, Joel nods.

“Don’t worry about your baby brother, he can handle himself.”

“Can he?”

“Joel. Look at me.”

Joel forced his eyes open.

“Tommy and I fuck sometimes to blow off steam, don’t act you’re much different.”

“It was one time!”

“It was 4 times, glad to know that I’m that forgettable.” Tess continued with her teasing before Joel could protest. “Listen, I know you’re worried about him, but Tommy and I aren’t interested in dating each other. It’s just for fun sometimes. Tommy puts up a tough front but I’d eat that boy alive.”

Finally, Joel laughed. Yes, she would.

Tess went back to work. “Besides, you’re meeting my new girlfriend tonight, birthday boy.”

*

Joel was exhausted, washing his hands and forearms and face before leaving to get Sarah. He tried to stay as clean as possible for Sarah. She didn’t need to know how hard he worked for her.

“Hey Joel, I get to watch Sarah this fall don’t I?” Frank asked as he sauntered into the kitchen. 

Joel tried to protest, as he did every year, but it was merely a formality to be polite. He couldn’t afford childcare in the late hours it took to get harvest done. Hopefully it wouldn’t be so bad now that Max was hired on, he didn’t see Sarah hardly at all harvest. Joel would come back to the farmhouse to find Sarah asleep on the couch with Frank, who was no help with farming. He handled the finances and paperwork, and functioned as a babysitter in pinches. Joel was forever indebted to the couple, inclduding Bill despite his facade of toughness.

“Nonsense Joel. I look forward to seeing her every time.” Sarah fucking loved Frank. He was teaching her painting and how to have a proper tea party, real tea and all. But with a lot of sugar. 

Speaking earnestly, Joel tried to express his appreciation. “Thanks, Frank. I appreciate it. I couldn’t do this without you.”

Frank clapped Joel on the shoulders, sliding him a card. “Thank you for everything you do. We really value you. I know Bill doesn’t say it much, or at all, but we appreciate you here.” He walked off, knowing Joel would protest the $500 cash inside the card.

*

“Daddy! Daddy! I made a friend!” Sarah exclaimed excitedly, running up to her father still covered in her paint smock that quickly transferred the red and blue onto Joel’s jeans.

“Is that so? Who is it?”

Ellie pointed to a little brunette girl sitting in time out. “She’s in trouble because she pretended a block was a gun.”

“Oh.”

*

At home, Joel went through the evening routine with Sarah, Tommy having gone with Tess to pre-game. He fed her as much of the macaroni she’d eat, bathed her and made sure to make things as easy for the sitter as possible. When Jessica came over, a nice local teenager that was great with Sarah, he briefed her as he tried to clean up the kitchen. 

“Daddy? Where’s the cake.”

Goddammit of course he forgot something. He just can’t do anything right, can he? He was a shitty dad, a shitty brother, a shitty boyfriend, a needy employee-

“Where's the birthday boy!” Tommy burst in, followed by a group of people, some he knew, some he didn’t. With him was Tess carrying a cake.

“TESS!!!!!!” Sarah shouted, but went more for the cake she carried.

“Hiya, love bug!” She patted her ponytail. “Ready to sing happy birthday at the top of your lungs?”

Hadn’t she had enough happy birthdays? She must’ve known he’d forget the cake. They hadn’t been pregaming at all, they were making him a cake.

Tess hands the cake to Tommy, then gestures to the women next to her. Dark skinned, tall, her hair in… locks? Were those called locks? He was cooked. He needs to learn hair. “This is Talia, my girlfriend.”

Talia smiled brightly, extended a hand which Joel shook. “So nice to meet you, Mr. Miller. Tess talks a lot about you Tommy and Max, it’s nice to put faces to the names.”

“Please, Joel is mine. I may ache like an old man, but I’m not one yet.” Joel joked with a soft but tired smile. He turned to tess. “Max coming?”

“Yup.” She shot him a look to be nice. Joel wasn’t fond of max. Good worker, shit head of a person. Joel knew he couldn’t really blame all Tommy’s shit on bad influences, but Max didn’t help. “And this,” She gestured over to another woman who had just been to flutered to notice until now. “Is Talia’s best friend.”

You were absolutely fucking stunning, unlike anyting he’d ever seen in his life. Tight white tank top, tight leather pants and a leather jacket. In your hair was a streak of vibrant blue. Your eyes connected with his and for a moment, he forgot about all the other people in the room. 

“Oh, um, hello,” Joel shook your hand when he snapped out of it, repeating your name.

You smile at him. “Actually, most people just call me Blue.”

A small voice from Joel’s hip. “Is that because of your hair? Why is it blue? Are you sick?”

“Sarah! Don’t be rude.”

Chuckling brightly, you promise it’s okay and crouch down to Sarah’s eye level. “I’m not sick. I actually dye it like that.”

“But why?”

Internally, Joel groaned, thinking you’d take offense at the line of questions Sarah’s certainly had ready, but you just answered. “Well, I think it makes me look pretty, just you’re cute hair style makes you look pretty.”

Sarah lit up at that. “My daddy did it!!!”

“He did? That’s so awesome! You have such a nice daddy.”

Sarah nodded in avid agreement. “He’s the BEST!”

Joel couldn’t help smiling at that. He always felt like he was failing her, but she loved him regardless. “I can’t do a lot, but I’m trying to learn. I can do a mean ponytail.” Joel caught Tommy smirking at him.

Once the babysitter took Sarah to wash up for cake, Talia quietly spoke to Joel, still attached to Tess's arm. “Tess told me her mom isn’t really involved. I’d love to help you learn how to care for black hair.”

Joel felt his heart drop. “Oh shit, does it look terrible? I really tried but I don’t even know where to go and-”

Talia cut him off with a laugh and a hand up. “No, not at all! It looks very healthy. I just mean if you’d like to learn how to do more, especially as it gets longer.”

Always embarrassed to ask for help, he always swallowed his pride for Sarah. “Yeah, yeah actually I’d really like that… I’ll play yuh, don’t worry I wouldn’t make you do it for free-”

She attempted to say he didn’t need to pay, but Tess told her it was useless to try and fight. Joel figured the bonus from Bill and Frank could pay for Sarah’s dentist cleaning and the rest he could pay Talia. 

After a terrible happy birthday and saying goodbye to Sarah longer than really necessary, Joel was dragged out of the house to go to some shitty local grunge bands show for his birthday.

Joel fucking hated his birthday.

The band wasn’t bad, he’d admit. Talia’s brother played base fine and the singer was okay, it just wasn’t Joel’s kind of music. Joel liked country. Garth Brooks, Reba, Dolly. Anyone with the last name Carter or Cash of course. He didn’t understand grunge. He didn’t understand why it sounded like… that.

Still, he was having a good time. It wasn’t because of you. No way. He definitely didn’t stare at the way you jumped around or head banged. He liked the way, when Tommy tried to flirt, you shot him down. He liked the way you liked to stand by him. 

Tess and Talia were not paying attention to the show, making out enough to make Joel blush. Not because it was two women; he’d seen Tess brazenly make out in public with men and women, including Tommy of all fucking people. He tried to pay attention to you. 

You were funny, making him laugh, and a contagious joy he couldn’t help but be attracted to. Joel wasn’t an idiot, he knew you were flirting with him. He knew he wanted you too. It made him swell with pride that you turned down Tommy, who’d make out with you the way you deserved like Talia and Tess were not, in favor of subtle arm touches with Joel… but he didn’t think it was a good idea. Joel hadn’t dated in years, and his last first date was junior year of high school with Kayla. Sarah was so young, he was nervous about bringing another woman around her. She was already so confused about her mom, why she was never around, why she’d come and go. She even asked if Tess was her new mom once because she was Joel’s only friend and around him and Tommy all the time. It probably wasn’t good for her. And he was just… so damn busy. He didn’t spend enough time with Sarah as it was. 

Max stumbled in, blue jeans and brown jacket, pushing through people to get to their group. Max was insufferable, but Tess joked Joel was just jealous of Max’s ability to grow a beard. It was, admittedly, impressive. Dark, full, and fucking all over. Joel could do a mean mustache, but his beard… left something to be desired.

“Ugh, this guy.” Joel murmurs to himself, but you hear. You turn around and smile at him. He noticed at the house you were quite tall, about his and Tommy’s height but figured you were in heels. When going out, Tess usually wore big boots that put her at eye level with him. Now, he sees you’re in flats, just tall. A lot of men aren’t about that, but Joel ain’t no coward. Except he was, because he wasn’t going to make a move. He’d probably never see you after tonight, right? Tess wasn’t known to stick with anyone longer than a few weeks. It was a miracle Tommy had met you thrice already. 

“I won’t tell Tess.” You promise, and Tess detaches her lips from Talia, frowning.

“Won’t tell me what?”

You pretend to zip your lips and lock them up.

Max joined you all. “Ah damn! I missed the free lesbian porn!” 

Joel noticed Talia shoot you a look. Tess smacked Max's head. “That’s strike one, pervert. Behave or I’m gonna stop inviting you places.”

“Ahh c’mon don’t do that! You’re my only chance to get away from the old ball and chain.”

Joel rolled his eyes. “No one made you marry her, Max. ”

Max laughed, not catching on that Joel didn’t like him. Max thought he was god's gift to women and that all men wanted to be him. “Yeeeeeaahh but the bitch baby trapped me.” He clapped Joel on the shoulder, and Joel shrugged him off. “You know how that goes, huh Joel?”

His skin crawled in disgust. Technically, he was right, but that wasn’t the point. “My daughter isn’t a trap, Max, and neither are your kids.”

“Haha, right.” Max waved him off, and Joel turned back to the show, shaking his head. He saw you smiling at him. “And who is this young thing?” Max shamelessly eyed you up and down. You’d shed your jacket at the coat check in preparation for the pit.

Joel was about to step between, to situate his body between you and him but he stopped himself. Maybe you wanted to be looked at like this. It’s the fucking 90’s after all, the world had changed a lot since he was young, changed in ways he couldn’t understand. He didn’t want to seem like he was possessive of you by any means. You didn’t owe him anything. But what if Max was making you uncomfortable? His dad raised him right, teaching him and Tommy to be protective of women… what if you didn’t need protecting-

“My eyes are up here, buddy.” You spoke with irritation, crossing your arms and cocking your hips. “Ain’t much to look at anyway.”

Tess tells him strike 2. 

“Hey now!” Max laughs mockingly, hands raised in defense. “I’ll behave, I’ll behave! I was just mess’n with yuh.”

You give him the ‘I’m watching you’ motion an turn back to the show. Max mutters something under his breathe that makes Joel turn around to glare at him, but Tommy’s already arrived with shots. Joel declines, knowing he’ll have to DD, so you take his. Watching you drink 2 straight shots of tequila made Joel just want you more.

Suddenly, you’re squealing. “This is my song!” Okay, Joel could recognize this one, it played on the radio. The beginning had heavy guitar and he watches you jump around, hair bouncing as you banged your head. The verse quickly dropped, and you turned around to face him, taking his hands in yours as you sang along, looking directly in his eyes. “Load up on guns, bring your friends, It's fun to lose and to pretend, She's over bored and self-assured, Oh, no, I know a dirty word”

When the ‘hey nows’ started, you motioned for him to sing along, and he did. He knew that much. Anything you make you smile like that. Chores started picking up again, and you went back to jump and spinning, a bright smile beaming on your face. You repeated the hand holding for the second verse, but when the second verse started, Joel’s cell phone began to ring. Conditioned to think a cellphone call meant something was wrong, (Tommy’s in jail, Sarah is sick at daycare, dad died), Joel pulled it out and saw the number. He sighed, hating to leave you as you danced around the pit, but he had to answer.

Stepping outside into the empty smoking area, Joel flipped it open. “Hello?” The door closed behind him, shutting out the blaring music.

“Joel? Are you at a bar?” 

Here we go. “Kinda. I’m at a show with Tommy and Tess. Some local band. Everything alright?”

“Why aren’t you home? I called and some young girl picked up. Are you dating someone?”

Why would it matter to her? Why would he have a women he’s sleeping with at his house while he’s at a bar? Why didn’t she just ask Jessica? All questions he should ask, but Joel learned its best just to keep things simple with Kayla. 

“That’s the sitter, Kayla. Remember Jessica from next door? She watches Sarah sometimes.”

Joel heard her huff. “So you can go get drunk with ‘the boys’? And Jesus Joel, Jessie? How old is she, 11?”

“She’s 16, Jess. You left 5 years ago, times arrow marches on.” He knew the sarcasm was a mistake, but it slipped sometimes.

“Nice Joel. real nice. I guess alcohol is more important than my daughter.”

“I havn’t gone to a bar of any kind in probably a year or more. Tommy dragged me out-”

“Spending my child support-”

What child support? “He’s paying. Kayla, is there a reason you called or did you just wanna complain about me?”

“I wanted to talk to my daughter!”

“It’s 9 pm, she’s asleep.”

“Well clearly you don’t care about her, just like you didn’t care about me! I’m coming to get her, you stay out with ‘the boys’”

Here she goes. Kayla was known for her erratic behavior, low impulse control, grandiose ideas. The cheating was constant. In fact, Joel won custody of Sarah on the basis of abandonment when Kayla left to meet up with a guy while Joel was at work only to come home to police at his house when the neighbors called about a screaming baby. Sarah was fine, she had just been fed and was only alone for an hour, but the whole incident wracked him with guilt he’d never quite let go of. Kayla had to have supervised visits for a while as custody proceedings dragged on. Joel trusted her now with Sarah, but it’d been a long road. 

“Kayla, Sarah is perfectly safe. I can send you the picture of her fast asleep Jessica texted me-”

“Oh, you’re texting teenagers now?”

“I’m texting the babysitter.” Joel tried to stay calm, but he hated when Kayla accused him of sleeping with people. She’d really only been right about Tess, but by the time she accused him of sleeping with Tess, they hadn’t hooked up in 2 years. This wasn’t the first time she accused him of sleeping with someone too fucking young, but it was the first time she’d accused him of being inappropriate with a minor. Joel hated the idea that she said any of this to other people, but usually she’d work herself out of a spiral by the next day.

“I want to see Sarah and you can’t keep her away from me!”

Actually, Joel could. Kayla had lost all legal rights to Sarah after everything that happened. Still, Joel didn’t want to keep her away. Sarah deserved a mom, and Kayla was a good mom now that she’s sober and on medication. If Joel had to navigate a few arguments so Sarah had a mom around, he would. 

He spoke calmly. “It’s Friday, she’s asleep. If you’d like to come get her Saturday and Sunday, you can.”

There was a long pause over the phone, and Joel prayed he wouldn’t have to leave you forever to stop Kayla from waking Sarah.

“Okay, yeah that sounds good.”

“Yeah. Just… text me tomorrow when you’re on your way.” Joel sighsin relief, scrubbing his face with his free hand. He heard the door open, turned around to see you.

“Whatever.” Kayla hung up the phone.

You looked at him sympathetically. “Everything okay? I turned around and you were gone, Tommy said you ran outside.”

“Yeah.” He huffed out. “Yeah it’s fine, uh, just Sarah’s mom wanted to talk to her, didn’t really understand why 9 pm was a bad time.” He chuckled wryly, hiding his heart rate slowly calming down.

You nodded. “You get i figured out?”

“Yeah, he’s she says she’ll pick her up tomorrow for the weekend. I dunno if she actually will when she’s done spiraling but… We’ll see.”

Noticeably, you were listening to him intently. You weren’t just waiting for him to stop taling or listening to respond, you were… just listening. “Is she alright?” You said with genuine empathy.

It was Joel’s turn to nod as he leaned back against the cool brick wall, willing his body to relax, telling himself it was okay, to calm down…. But it wouldn’t. “She um… she’s got some mental problems. It ain’t her fault, really. There’s just things that happen in her head she can’t make sense of. She’s a lot better now, real good with Sarah when she’s around she’s just… not around much.”

Waiting to make sure he said his peace, you speak. “You sound very patient Joel. I’m not sure I’d stay this calm.”

Joel burst out a sharp laugh at that. “I wouldn’t say I’m calm, my heart's about to explode right now.” Right away Joel felt like he said to much, admittedly a weakness he wasn’t supposed to have. He was supposed to have it all together for Sarah, for Tommy.

Your brows furrow together as you step forward, hand raised. “May I?”

Whatever it is, Joel agrees to. You place your hand on his chest, and surely you could feel his heart rate. “Do you have anxiety?”

Your hand felt so warm on him. “What’s that?”

You eyes remain on his white shirt with green flannel unbuttoned. “It’s like, chronic, excessive worry. Often irrational. I’m worried you’re having an anxiety attack right now.”

That sounded… scary. “No! No I’m fine.”

You look at him, eyes that he swear sparkled  under the streetlights of the dark alley. “Can you breath okay? I want you to breath with me, Joel.” Your voice was soft, but not patronizing. He didn’t feel like you were talking down to him, just guiding him. Joel does as you instruct, breathing deep, holding, letting go. After a few moments, you frown. “I'm sorry, that usually helps, but your heart is still pounding.”

Under this light, your blue hair shining and your cute, worried face… “I don’t uh…” Joel swallowed thickly. “I don’t think anxiety is the reason anymore.” 

Confusion flittered across your face between the realization did. “Oh.” You chuckle with a smile. “Do you… want me to stop touching you?”

It was barely above a whisper, his voice broken and desperate. “Please don’t stop.”

“Okay.” You smile, pressing him further into the wall, face growing closer to him. “I won’t.” You drew yourself closer still, lips brushing against his but not sealing it yet. Joel desperately wanted to lunge forward and kiss you, but he felt frozen under your touch. “Do you want me to stop now?” You ask, words but breath across his cheek, asking for permission.

“No.”

Your taste was unlike anything he’d ever had in his mouth, opening up so naturally for you to take care of him, for you to devour him piece by piece and let every single frustration and anxiety calm down. Your tongue in his mouth was all that mattered.

Joel reached up o hold you bare arms, but it was there he noticed the goosebumps. He pulled away, and to his dissapoitment, you did too.

“Shit, I’m sorry.” You begin to apoligize. “I thought you were- I misread it-”

His eyes went wide with worry. “No! No I didn’t want you to stop i just-” Joel scrambles to take off his flannel. “You were cold.”

He watched you smile grow as you shyly placed your arms though the sleeve. “That’s gotta be the one thing we have in common, huh. Grunge and country love flannel.”

“Yeah.” Joel chuckled. “They do.” He took initiative, tugging on your sleeves to bring you back to him and wrapping your body up in his arms. You felt like you fit perfectly there. You resumed making out with him, growing sloppier as the desire took over, tongues dancing together as you began to feel up his body. Joel was not the fittest man, he knew he had more around the middle than Tommy, but he was strong. He liked knowing you could feel his muscles. He liked knowing he could protect you. He hoped it made you feel safe. He hoped it turned you on.

Then your hand went for his belt buckle and Joel froze. “Do you want me to stop?” You ask again, and he contemplates the answer. Your fingers don’t move an inch until they reach up to grab his chin, forcing him to look in your eyes. 

“Joel. Do you want me to blow you until you forget about all the things you carry on those giant shoulders?”

He swallowed thickly, hands flexing and clenching at his sides. “You… you don’t have to, Blue…”

You smirk at that. “That’s not what I asked, honey. Say no and I’ll happily walk back in there holding your massive hands and make Max lose his mind. Say yes and I’ll make you lose your mind. Either one is great for me.” The way you looked at him, gentle and open, Joel felt like he could truly say no and it wouldn’t change a thing. You wouldn’t guilt him or accuse him of cheating or not being attracted post-baby… But Joel didn’t want to say no. He knew it was a risk, out here in the alleyway… but you were on the other side of the door, it wouldn’t open on your side which would give time…

“I want to- I mean… Yes.” Joel spoke clearly, decidedly. I wanted you to know he meant it. 

You smile brightly, looking like a fucking angel in his flannel as you drop to your knees on the concrete. Eagerly, you undo his belt and the jingle of the metal entices him even more, cock hardening in his blue jeans. 

“Fuck… you sure you wanna do this, you don’t gotta.” He was praying you didn’t stop.”

“Joel Miller,” You chuckled, fingers getting between his skin and boxers, ready to pouce as you looked up at him. “I have been wanting you down my throat since the moment I laid eyes on you, and watching you be a good dad, good brother, good friend did not make this easier on me. Do you have any idea what a catch you were?”

Joel did not think he was a catch. He was a single dad barely getting by and he wasn’t much to look at. He wasn’t sure why he caught your- oh your mouth is on his balls. Jerking him off, you slobber all over his sensitive sacks, unable to fit both in your mouth at once. Quickly, you bring him close to the edge already, having felt nothing but his own fist in 2 years and even then, that was rare. Joel found himself falling asleep in the shower sometimes, who has time for masturbating? You were so eager to please, so enthusiastic, like you just wanted him and only him when there were a hundred men whose dick you could be gagging on that weren’t… him.

And you were gagging. Joel had a lot of insecurities but he knew he was packing. 

Joel wanted to hold your head, to fuck your throat and just let loose on you, to bend you over the dumpster and rail the absolute fuck out of you… but he wasn’t that guy. He couldn’t be bold and adventurous like you were.

You pull off him with a gasp, only breathing long enough to beg for him to come in our mouth. Joel was a polite man, he knew ladies were supposed to cum first… but since you asked…

 He couldn’t keep his moans down as he came down your throat, your beautiful eyes too intense as they stared up at him for Joel to keep him eyes on. He came ropes, it felt like it wouldn’t end he was so pent up but you swallowed every drop. Fucking perfect. 

When he finished, Joel was too in shock up against the wall to even move. You suck on his soft cock like you were still making out with him, delivering a soft kiss at the base of her curls and Joel was thankful he was a thorough showerer. 

Bending over, Joel helped you up and even dusted off the knees of your pants to not arouse suspicion. He catches you smiling at him. 

“You’re a sweetheart, you know that?”

Joel and you walk back into the venue, hand in hand, Joel beaming with pride that you’re wearing him flannel. He even tells you to keep it at the end of the night.

When he gets home, Tommy pays the sitter a generous amount as Joel thanks her, asking if she was good. She was, because of course she was. Sarah was the perfect daughter and deserved a more stable life. A life with two parents Joel had held out for so long, taking Kayla back after every bender, after every affair, after every manipulation and aggression. Until Sarah had been put in danger, it was worth it. Now Joel feels guilt that she was put in that position because Joel didn’t see the signs.

As Joel stares at his sleeping daughter, all tucked away in her purple blankets, hair springing out from her head. Joel had tried to get her to sleep with her hair in a bonnet but she kept ripping it off and hated sleeping with her hair in a pony tail. Joel had to pick his battles. Still, she looked so cute like this. She was such a sweet kid, so happy and loving to everyone around her. Joel worried about the future, about paying for her to do school activities and field trips and vacations, about giving her the life she deserved. Bill paid him well, but fuck, everything was so expensive… prices just kept rising and rising it was unbelievable. He would get another job, but then Sarah wouldn’t have a dad around at all, and deserved at least one parent she could depend on. Joel would do anything for her.

There was just no time in the day to date. So why did he ask for your number tonight?

Things had been going well for weeks. Kayla had been taking Sarah on weekends consistently, which meant she didn’t have a man to distract her. This, however, meant she didn’t have a man to distract her away from Joel’s love life. Still, a little bit of boundary setting had done well for him, and Kayla had mostly been minding her business. Joel was able to see Blue every weekend, and was even able to spend more time with Tommy and Tess which was rare. 

Tonight, he had just got done having dinner at your house and was cuddling on the couch with you in his arms, all wrapped up. He liked moments like this a lot. Don’t get him wrong, he’d gone to another show with you and had a good time, but he was definitely happy to just sit at home with you.

You’d seemed an unlikely pair, you and him. You liked leather and black and grunge. He liked country and jeans and… well he wasn’t really sure what he really ”liked”, honestly. He loved Sarah. He liked All That, he liked Arthur, he didn't like Barney, he liked Franklin… what did he watch when Sarah was in bed? Sleep. He mostly slept. Sometimes he watched King of the Hill… he listened to Clinton Black, Garth Brooks… Sarah liked Reba, which was nice. Things to do for fun? He liked to play the guitar for Sarah. He liked to go to the park with Sarah. He liked to go with Sarah and Tommy to the roller rink… 

“I’d like yuh to meet Sarah.” Joel said against your ear, arms wrapped around your waste as he lay propped up against the arm rest. “Really meet her this time”

You paused, then sat up to turn and face him. You were smiling softly, eyes wide. “Really? I don’t want you to feel like you have to… but I’d love too…” Something hit you, making you bite your lip. “Introduce me as… what, exactly.” When you saw his eyes widen, you told him he didn’t have to pick a label right now, but he cut you off.

“My girlfriend. If you wanna.”

You squeal, returning to his arms for a hug and a kiss. “Yes!!!”

Joel returns the kiss, pulling you close, sliding a hand to the small of your back as you deepened the kiss, straddling his body. You and him had been making out, and of course the blow job outside the concert, but no sex. Not yet…

“Stay the night.” You whispered between kisses. “We don’t gotta do nothing you’re not ready for, but I’d love if you wanted to stay over”

Joel looked up at you, heart swelling faster than his cock in his pants. He reached up to touch your face. “I’m ready… only if you wanna”

You responded by grinding your cunt over his jeans, kissing him once more. You slide your tongue into his mouth, dominating the kiss and him. When you make it to the bedroom, Joel follows your lead, letting you press him up against the door as you fiddle with his belt. “Got any- mphhh- got any questions?”

His brow furrowed, looking a little confused and flushed. “With what? I don’t know if you know this, but I ain’t a virgin. Kid and all.”

“Yeah, I’m aware.” You chuckle. “I meant with the whole ‘not born with a vagina’ thing.”

The look on his face told you he forgot about that. “Oh. Um… I guess… can you… um…”

“Orgasm?!?!” You bawked, in disbelief that at the prospect of having sex with a transwomen, something he barely knew existed before you, and he’s concerned if you’re going to have a good time. “Yes, I can orgasm Joel. I got a fucked ton of lube by my drawer too, so we’re covered there, baby. Just.” you sigh, guiding him to the bed as you pull down his pants. “Sweetie,” You coo, his big brown eyes gazing adoringly as you return to your rightful place above him. “Just let me take care of you tonight, ‘kay? I got you.”

Awestruck, you nodded. “Yes ma’am.” In his dark boxer briefs, his cock is straining, heavy.

You slowly pull his briefs down, Joel humps his hips up to help and you stare in aw as his cock strings free. He’s hung, absolutely packing and you can see why Tess came back for a few more rounds. Getting a chance to look at him, really look at him this time… Big dick, big eyes, big man… bigger heart. He’s soft, kind. He’s gentle in a way you’d never seen from a southern farmer, a body capable of total destruction if he wanted to, but no room in his heart for it. You couldn’t imagine your sweet, precious man hurting anyone.

When you took him in your mouth, you couldn’t make it all the way down. You’d practice on tat, vowing to be able to deep throat him, but it didn’t seem to matter. He was a mess already. When was the last time he fucked someone? It’d been a few years since Tess and she never mentioned Joel having a girl since Kayla… You wanted to make him feel good. But Joel had other plans. 

“Wanna taste you.” He begs, tugging at your hair. “Really wanna taste you, Blue, please?” Joel is practically whimpering at you like a puppy and god, who are you to deny him? 

“You ever had someone sit on your face, Joel?”

He nods. Good, you didn’t wanna freak him out. He’s not a virgin, but you didn’t think he was the most experienced either. “Stay there.”

You spread your legs over his face, carefully lowering yourself on him when he surprises you by grabbing your thighs and yanking you down. “Hungry boy” You chuckle, delighted with his excitement. He shows no interest in the slight scarring, if he was even paying enough attention to notice; he seemed preoccupied.

Joel devoured you whole, moving and working with your body as you ground yourself on his face. He felt good, he knew what he was doing, that was for sure. Even if he didn’t get out much, he certainly had the enthusiasm. “Fuck Joel, just like that… Just like that…” You’re sure to make sure he knows he’s doing good, you weren’t going to get wet on your own. His nose nudges along your fold as he sucks on your clit when you bend over, jacking him off. You’d love to 69 him -he deserved it- but you didn’t want him orgasming too soon, and the poor guy was already looking like he was just barely hanging on as it was. You cum in his mouth, shouting out his name as you grip his perfect cock tightly, so tight you can’t believe he didn’t spurt all over your hand but you would have forgiven him if he had with the feeling he gave you. Riding his nose and putty lower lip until you’re done taking all your pleasure. 

When you flop over on the bed, Joel is on you in a second, lips sucking in yours desperately. He needs you, you can tell, but won’t ask for it. Joel isn’t the kind to take. He’s a giver. If you asked him to eat you out again he would, and would, and would until you’re ran dry and he’d just lay there, cock hard, cleaning you up. Because that was Joel. 

But you weren’t going to do that to him. Because he deserved to know he was worthy of love, pleasure, happiness.

When you drop on top of him, encasing him in your lubed up, warm cunt. He opens you in a way you’ve never felt before, making you moan onto the stubbled jaw you were kissing, making you whimper in such a way he asked if you were okay. No one on this earth was a better man than Joel Miller.

You rode him, hands pressed against his firm pecs and stomach rubbing against his softness. All the lifting in the world wasn’t going to work his abs, and the man was living off junk and the real food Frank made for lunch. He’s soft around the edges. Joel is a whiny, moaning mess and you savor every single second of it. Breathing in his shuttered exhales, letting it be your breath of life no matter how your legs burned as you bounced. Thumbs to soft inner thighs, you gave until your heart burst.

“I love you.” You blurt out, voice shaking as you admit your feelings, perhaps too soon. You hold your breath, closing your eyes tight as your brace for rejection, or even more scary; his devotion. Upright and spearing yourself on his sweet dick, you continue your movements blindly.

Until you feel him rise up.

Joel surged towards you, wrapping your body up in one arm and gripping the back of your neck with the other hand. Chest to chest, lips to lips, body to warm, adoring body.

“I love you,” He fucks his hips up into your body, muttering against your lips and cheek. “I love you so much, Blue.” And you believe him. 

Joel comes inside after you beg him for it. One orgasm is enough for you, you generally can’t twice but Joel does have you doubting that. He fills you up, clutching your ass and shoulders to him with fingers in your skin and face buried in your neck.

*

You wake up to your landline ringing. 

“Hello?” You answer quietly, but Joel stirs anyway.

On the other side, you hear Tommy. “Hey Blue, Joel with you?”

“Yeah, everything okay?”

Joel is up, eyes wide recognizing his brother's voice. He likes the phone from you. “Tommy? You alright?”

“Jesus Joel, had me worried. Kayla called damn near every bar in town trying to get a hold of me.”

“Shit.” Joel mutters, sitting on the side of the bed. “Sarah okay?”

Tommy said he didn’t know, but Kayla had been trying to call him. Joel hung up, searching for his phone. After calling Sarah good night, it fell under the bed.

You watch him frantically call Kayla, being sure to keep quiet. You know his ex can get jealous and he doesn’t need more stress. He’s so clearly worried, and you are too. It’s 1:30 am, if Kayla is calling then something is wrong with Sarah. “Whats wrong? Where’s Sarah?”

“She won’t stop crying, Joel.” Kayla snaps at him. Is she just calling because Sarah’s crying?

Joel scrubs his face. “Kayla, did you try comforting her?”

“Of course I did, you fucking asshole” You didn’t like how she speak to Joel, and you seethed in your anger, mouth still shut. “She won’t stop screaming. You need to pick her up, I can’t fucking do this.”

Joel sighs, standing up. You begin gathering his things for him. He’s butt naked, dick swinging. “Jesus, okay, I’ll come get her. Just go hold her, okay? She gets scared at night.”

Kayla snapped at him, saying she’s aware. 

He turns to you, apologetic. “I’m so-”

“Don’t you dare fucking apoligise, cowboy.” You toss him his briefs. “Sarah comes first, always. I’d do the same if I had a kid.”

He mumbles, redressing. “She always does this. Begs and cries about never seeing her, but sends her back early. Breaks Sarah’s little heart, you know? The uncertainty. She always dressed up so cute to see her mom, always brings her best art she makes at kindergarten, picture books she can read… even pretends to like Mariah Carey when she used to make me change the station. I can’t fucking take it.”

Your heart hurts for Sarah and Joel. Your own mom and dad never got you, even before coming out as trans or gay. You just were never right in their eyes. Years later, you start to think it was more about them than it was you. Who you are now is who you were always meant to be. You are happy. They are still miserable.

“Go get your daughter, Joel.” You kiss his cheek after he pulls his boots on. “Call me in the morning, or whenever you have time.”

He pauses, stopping to wrap his arms around you, strong and safe. “I meant every single word I said, Blue. I love you.”

“I know.” And you did.

*

After speeding on the empty roads, Joel makes it in record time, parking in front of some jacked up truck and  knocking on the door. He didn’t want to ring in case Sarah fell back asleep. The door flung open to reveal and frazzled Kayla. “About time, she’s been screaming non stop!” She opened the door and Joel looked inside, not seeing her but hearing her scream frantically. Kayla was dressed in a flownsy night top and panties, makeup lightly on like she kept when she first started sleeping over at Joel’s parents.

“Where is she?” He follows the sound of her cries. She sounds absolutely batshit terrified, calling mommy, mommy, mommy. He’s unfamiliar with Kayla place. “Sarah? Where are you baby girl?”

The mommy’s switched to daddy’s with renewed vigor and Joel quickly found the room, running to it but finding the bedroom door locked. He jiggled it, hearing Sarah’s voice on the other end of sobbing for him. Something was wrong. “It’s okay, baby girl. I’m here. Daddy’s here.” He tried to sound calm but turned to Kayla, furious. “Why is the door locked.”

“Don’t raise your voice at-”

“KAYLA UNLOCK IT!”

Kayla grabbed the key from a table nearby, explaining as she unlocked it, Joel’s voice reassuring Sarah she was safe it was okay. 

“She had a nightmare, said she saw you and Tommy die on that stupid fucking farm. Wouldn’t shut the fuck up when I tried to tell her you’re-”

As soon as it was unlocked Joel burst in, dropping to his knees to scoop up his baby and soothe her. Sarah continued to cry, but relief to it.

“I’m okay, my baby. I’m okay, so is uncle Tommy. I promise.” His hands felt her shampoo or conditioner soupy residue in there. Joel told her not to wash Sarah’s hair, that it was washed the night before but she didn’t listen. Kayla never took time with washing it, rinsing it properly.

After getting the number of the last bar that Kayla found Tommy at, he got a hold of his brother when Sarah was yet to be reassured her beloved uncle was alive.

“See Sare-Bear! I’m right as rain! I even promise to make you chocolate chip pancakes in the morning, even if your dad says no, okay?”

Sarah niffles, still clearly shook up and visible shaking in her barbie nightie, but better. “O-okay. You promise you’re not hurt?”

“Not one bit, never been better. Want me to come home?”

“No… no…” But she didn’t sound certain.

Once Sarah was reassured, Joel scooped her up. She clung to her dad, clutching his shirt in her little hands. Joel turned to Kayla with a glare. “You locked my daughter in her room when she thought her dad and uncle were D-E-A-D?” He spelled out, making Kayla roll her eyes. 

“You cuddle her too much, you and Tommy both. She needs to learn to cry it out.”

“One, she’s 5 and had a horrible nightmare. Two, you literally called me!” Then, Joel heard a thump coming from another room and it made sense now. The truck, Kayla underwear and makeup. “Kayla. Do you have a man in the house right now?”

She looked like she was about to lie, then thought better of it. “What I do with my home is none of your business.”

He tried to keep calm, chest rising and falling in anger against Sarah, still gently sniffing. They had an agreement on this. “How long have you known this man.”

She crossed her arms defensively, “A few weeks.”

His jaw ticked. “You brought a man you barely know to sleep over while my daughter is here?” In anger, he turned around, walking to the door but Kayla shouted after him.

“Relax Joel! This ain’t even the first time! Sarah likes him, he’s nice, he-”

Whipping around, Joel took long footsteps towards Kayla, clutching Sarah who had begun crying again. Sarah knew when a fight was happening. “How long as this been going on? Do you leave her alone with him?” Then he realized… if Sarah met him, and never mentioned him… he took a deep breath. “Kayla. Did you tell my child not to tell her father about a man? Did you seriously tell her to keep a secret from me?”

Joel never ever said. “don’t tell mom.” Ever. His heart raced in fear about the potition she was put in. If Sarah didn’t think she could tell him about the man, if anything happened, she’d keep that a secret too.

“Joel, it’s not a -”

“Don’t! No more sleepovers Kayla! No more of this until you can stop doing stupid-”

Seeing the slap coming and bracing for it was the only thing keeping his face from rolling into Sarah’s head. His eyes remained closed, blurring with tears. Not of pain, but humiliation. Knowing Sarah just heard her mom hit her dad. He’d always managed to keep that shit away from her… 

“What, are you gonna cry now?” She mocked, but Joel wouldn’t have it.

“Sarah, sweetie, say goodbye to mommy. We’re going home.”

Sarah waved goodbye, but didn’t speak. Joel took her into the car and buckled her safely in, pulling a blanket over her legs in her nightie. He’d send Tommy to get the rest of her things tomorrow. Right now, he needed to get Sarah home.

Joel laid in bed with her, holding Sarah close to him on the twin bed. He tried to lull her back to sleep, but she hadn’t stopped sniffling and gently crying the whole ride back, even as Joel tried to distract her. 

“Why doesn’t mommy like me?” Sarah mumbled against Joel’s arm, her back to his chest.

“Oh baby…” He kissed her hair. “Your mommy loves you so, so much. She and I think you’re just the coolest kid ever.”

She thought on this for a while. “You know the bird I made in kindergarten? Where I glued the feathers?”

“Yes baby, I remember.”

“And the sheet where I wrote my name 5 times?”

“I remember, it looked so good.”

“I brought them… and last night I saw them in the trash.”

Joel’s eyes welled up with tear, tucking his face into her hair to hide it. “It must be an accident, Sarah. We get so many bills, it probably just got lost in the piles.”

“I put it on the fridge for her.”

“It must have fallen…” Joel hated lying to her, but… “You know, just the other day your mom called me to tell me how she’s so proud of you. How she thinks you’re the prettiest girl in the whole world and so, so smart.”

Sarah’s bedroom door cracked open, Tommy appearing.

“Hey Sare-bear” He spoke gently. “Got room for me?”

Joel scooched over and saw Sarah smiling for the first time. Daddy was comfort, but Uncle was joy. “Yes!!”

As Tommy took off his boots and jacket, Joel enlisted him to his lie. “Tommy, remember how her mom was telling us how proud she is of Sarah?” 

Tommy got the jist. “Oh yeah, she’s always talk’n ‘bout you. Can’t get her to stop, really. Says you know more about dinosaurs than anyone else on the planet.”

“Yeah! Because I saw Jurassic Park!”

Joel shot Tommy a look but let it slide. At least Tommy doesn’t tell Sarah to keep secrets. “Yup. See baby? She loves you so much.”

“Good” Sarah yawned. “Because I love mommy. I wanna be just like her when I grow up.”

The three of them fell asleep like that on the twin bed. Sarah snuggled right up in her daddy’s arms, uncle Tommy on the other end holding her little hand. 

In the morning, Tommy made them all chocolate chip pancakes.

Joel woke up to the smell of pancakes. When he looked at his watch, he was shocked to find it was 11:45 pm. He couldn't believe it, he hadn’t slept later than 7 since… well since Sarah’s birth, probably. 

Memories of last night flooded to him. Blue. Kayla. Sarah screaming for him. Telling him Kayla threw her art away. Finding out Kayla let strange men around her… Joel rubbed his eyes, sighting deeply before staggering out of the small bed. How had him and Tommy and Sarah managed to sleep in here all night?

Joel’s heart swelled with love for his brother. He was a good man, despite his troubles, despite his addictions. He was a good uncle. Checking his phone, he saw 3 missed calls from Blue, and a few texts along the lines of “where are you?”. Shit. You were missed, he knew it. Joel’s heart began to beat rapidly, warmth flooding all over his body as he dreaded your reaction. Would you scream at him the way Kayla did? Or were you more the type to ignore him until he came begging. Would you accuse him of cheating on him with Kayla? He would never cheat on anyone, let alone you, and let alone with Kayla. How could he convince you on that? It probably looked suspicious… shit, and right after you and him made love for the first time?

He decided to get it over with, hitting the call back button with shaking hands.

“Hey! Joel, are you-” He’s too panicked, crouched over in Sarah’s small bed with his feet planted to the floor, jittering, for Joel to hear the concern in your voice.

“Blue, I’m so sorry I didn’t call back, I’m really, really sorry, it was a disaster at Kayla’s, Sarah was screaming, and, and we got home and she was just so upset, me and Tommy slept inthe bed with her-”

“Joel?”

It was with the call of your voice Joel realized it was getting hard to breathe, his head feeling light.

“Yeah?”

“I need you to breathe with me.”

Like a couple of times before, you guide him through breathing, you notice his change and without judging you simply walk him through it. It was easy, when you worked him through it. 

When it was all said and done, you continued on, not patronizing him or needing to talk about it. You just go back to the question. “Is Sarah okay?”

Joel took another breath. “Yeah, yeah” He sighed out. “She’s okay. Had a dream me and Tommy died on the farm, Kayla… well she locked her in her room. It was bad.”

Joel heard you sigh on the other end. “Shit, that’s awful Joel. I’m really sorry. How is she this morning?” He could tell you cared.

“Oh, I uh… I don’t know. I just woke up. Tommy’s downstairs with her…”

Your laugh on the other end makes him smile a little. “You slept in a princess bed all night, handsome?”

He laughed back. “Built it, might as well use it, I guess.”

“Well, thanks for calling me back, I was a little worried. You okay?”

He swore he could still feel the sting of the slap on his face. “Yeah, I’m okay.” as long as she was, so was he.

“Okay. Go see you’re daughter, cowboy.”

He paused. “You don’t… got any questions?”

“Like what?”

“Like… you’re not worried I slept with Kayla? Since I didn't respond?”

“Did you?”

“No, not a chance.” He’d been down one time, never going back again. 

“Then that's that. Never even crossed my mind, Joel. If I thought you were a cheater, I wouldn’t be with you.”

How different you were. 

“Listen, Sarah’s had a tough night, I wanna spend time with just her and Tommy this weekend, but… wanna meet her in a couple days?”

“Yes!” You sounded so excited. “I would love that so much!”

“I thought maybe we take her to the park together, get some Olive Garden after, talk to her about us.”

When Joel finalized plans, he walked downstairs to find Sarah on the counter laughed and giggling while Tommy sprayed whipped cream on her nose, Sarah struggling to lick it with her tongue before Tommy kissed her. Whipped cream went everywhere, and Sarah laughed so hard she was practically screaming. When she saw him, Sarah stood on the counter and Joel opened his arms for Sarah to jump right in. “I love you so much, baby girl.” He turned to Tommy and mouthed a thank you.

*

Wednesday came soon enough, Joel rushing to pick Sarah up and struggling to drive the speed limit with her in the car. Once in, Tommy thankfully took Sarah to get her a snack and entertain her so Joel could get ready. He showered, scrubbing down every inch. He didn’t need to scrub his ass, pits, and feet that much, it’s not like you were getting up in there today. You wouldn’t be sleeping over. But he needed this to go perfect.

Little did he know, you were on the other side of town stressing yourself out. You’d met Sarah briefly so she’s already a little familiar with you but you were still nervous. This needed to go perfect.

Joel was your dream man. He was responsible, sober, kind. He was a god dad and that was fucking hot. You loved him, loved his cute, slightly pudgy face, loved his soft heart and gentle, calloused hands. You loved that he cared so deeply for Sarah, Tommy, Tess, the way he respected everyone around him from the McDonald’s drive through worker to your best friend, sitting across from you.

“Babe, you look gorgeous.”

“I know I’m gorgeous!!” You stomp your feet a little in a faux fit. “I need to scream ‘step mom’ material”

Talia rolled her eyes. “The way it sounds, Sarah needs a mom mom still.”

“Girl.” You deadpan. “I hear you, but you heard the lecture Joel gave Tommy, he still respects her as the mother of his child. And Sarah loves her mom. I’m not tryna make waves with that crazy bitch either. I would like for all of us to work together for her.”

“You know what Tess told me?”

You try putting your hair up in the mirror, trying to pull a more teacher aesthetic. “What?”

“She said once, when Joel and her were broken up, Kayla thought Joel and Tess were sleeping together and she went to her house in the middle of the night screaming she was going to kill her.”

You laugh, and immediately feeling bad. “Sorry, sorry, that’s not funny” but you were still laughing. “It’s just…” Another giggle “Tess is NOT the one to be playing with.” You grab a scarf for your hair, Talia saying she needed to see it normal and cool.

“No! Not at all!” Talia was laughing with you. “She answered the door with a fucking gun to her face, Tess said she looked like she was about to piss herself!”

“Tess ever show you any pictures? I ain’t got no idea what she looks like.” You continue looking in the mirror.

Talia shakes her head. “No, but she ain’t got hair like mine. Didn’t know shit about Sarah’s hair. Joel knows more than her.”

“Yeah.” You sigh, dreamily at the thought of your loving boyfriend washing his sweet girl’s hair. “He’s great, ain’t he?”

Standing up, Talia wraps your arm around you. Your oldest friend, your rock, your sister. “He’s a good one. But babe? Ditch the leather.”

You look down, then at her in the mirror. “Skirt?”

“Blue jeans.” She taps your thigh. “For fucks sake, Blue, wear some fucking blue jeans for once in your life.”

*

“Talia I’m gonna throw up”

You stood outside Joel home, you could even hear him telling Tommy, ‘For the love of god, please switch the clothes to the dryer’. Still your nerves were off the hook.

“You’ve literally met her before.”

“But not like this!”

“Blue, babe, I spent an afternoon with them. She’s a sweet girl, easy to please. She’s gonna love you, just like all your school kids do.”

She was right. You were a loved teacher. “Okay. Okay. It’s gonna be fine. It’s gonna be fucking fine.”

“Hell yeah. Go get ‘em.”

You knock, then hear clamoring. ‘Tommy don’t you-’

But Tommy Miller opened the door, cheeky grin on her face as he leaned on the doorframe. “Heya Blue, glad to see you and Joel made it offi- Hey!” Tommy was yanked away as you laugh, Joel appearing and whispering in a harsh tone that Sarah doesn’t know yet, that’s the whole point of today.

He turns to you, soft smile on his face. “Sorry about him, come on in.” You wanted to kiss him, but it wasn’t time yet.

“Sarah?” Joel calls. “Come downstairs baby girl!”

You can hear the pitter patter of little feet in shoes down the stairs, Sarah flying into the hall with a bright smile and cute, casual clothes. “Hi!”

She was even cuter than you remembered, and the, albeit adorable, photo of her in Joel’s wallet and the three on his pickup dash and one inside his ballcap did not do her justice. How could her mom not want to be around her?

“Hi Sarah, remember me?”

“Yeah! Your name’s Blue, like the color in your hair.”

You chuckle a little, fighting the desire to take Joel’s hand for your own anxiety. “Well, close. That’s not my real name, but that’s what everyone calls me, so you can too!”

“Are you dating my daddy?”

Joel looked like he was about to panic. He planned a whole outing, a nice dinner (as nice as he could afford) and wanted to have a heart to heart. Sarah needed to approve. If Sarah wasn’t ready for this, you knew Joel would end it and you wouldn’t blame him. Poor baby has been through so much instability, she doesn’t need more. “Your dad and I are friends. We want to explain more, but thought we’d take you out for some fun first, how does that sound?”

Sarah lit up, ignoring her previous question. “Oh yes!” She turned to Joel. “Daddy please can we go?”

Smiling fondly, Joel patted her head, careful not to mess up the braids Talia taught him. “Darl’n, I already told you we were going out! Come on, vamnos.”

*

The day went swimmingly, Joel delighted in watching you run around on the playground with her while the weather was still nice. Goddamn, your ass looks good in jeans. Well, it looked good in leather… and in a dress… but GODDAMN the blue jeans… blue jeans! Fuck, you were everything he wanted, and it seemed Sarah loved you. Sarah, Tommy, Tess… the opinions that mattered most, all liked you, loved you even. As for Joel, in these short few months, he couldn’t imagine not having you going forward. The timing worked out suspiciously well. For the first month of real, honest togetherness, Sarah was with her mom more, allowing time together. Now that it blew as it always does, you and here were meeting and it was going great. Tommy had even come by the park to hang out for a little, the four of you spending family time- family? Was he considering you family already? He was in deep.

You’d taken her shopping as promised, insisting on buying her a dress as a treat. Sarah then made an off comment about her Kindergarten friend, Ellie, and wishing her and Ellie could match some day. She said Ellie ‘wasn’t living with her mommy and daddy’. Joel had sussed out a while ago that she was a foster kid.It wasn’t meant to be asking for anything, but you made her absolute day by buying another one for her to bring to Ellie. She hadn’t stopped talking about them matching for an hour, and Joel was a little worried Ellie might reject it. He’d only ever seen Ellie t-shirts and jeans, usually dirty. He didn’t think she’d like a rainbow dress.

Sarah then insisted you buy a dress, and you even let her pick out one for you. While trying it on, Joel couldn’t help stifle a laugh as you walked out in a hot pink poofy dress, looking like a fish out of water. It wasn’t that you looked bad; you were beautiful, of course but… clearly, this was not your style. Still, you smile and humor Sarah when she says you look “like a princess!!!”

As Joel watches Sarah “push” you down the slide and you turning around to surprise her by snatching her up on the way down and Tommy yelling to scare you both at the bottom, he feels his eyes tear up, just a tiny bit. This is what his future could look like.

*

At dinner, Tommy ended up coming along. If things went badly, Sarah could get some space with her favorite uncle. Dessert ordered, Joel grabbed your hand. It was time.

“Sarah, there’s something we’d like to talk to you about.” Joel glanced at Tommy sitting next to her. Tommy gave a soft, reassuring smile. He breathed, like how you taught him when feeling anxious, and continued as Sarah stuffed a breadstick in her mouth. “You asked if Blue and I are dating and… we are. I don’t want to keep secrets from you, and I want you to know you will always be my number one, okay?”

Sarah looked between the two of you. “So… you’re not marrying mommy?”

Joel held his breath for a moment at the mention of Kayla. “No, baby girl. Your mommy will always be special to me, but we aren’t getting married. We will always be a family, but not in that way.” 

She nods, thoughtfully. “Okay… I guess mommy was wrong. I won’t tell her.”

With that, Joel locks eyes with Tommy for a moment, then Sarah again. “No, no baby. You can tell your mommy, you don’t have to keep secrets from us, okay?” He squeezed your hand. “Did mommy say she was gonna marry me?”

Quickly, Sarah’s face turned sour, shifting uncomfortable and not looking at Joel anymore. “Daddy I wanna go home.”

Joel turned to you. He was confused how things turned so bad with her so fast. “Okay baby, we can go…”

“Joel?” You grab his attention. “May I?”

He hesitated, always trying to be the one to fix Sarah… but you worked with kids, maybe you could help. He nods.

“Sarah hunny, wanna step outside with me?”

*

By the time she got outside, little tears with in her eyes, and redness sprinkled on her face. 

“Sarah.”  You crouch down to her level. “Can we tell me what’s wrong? I promise I’ll try to help you. I want to help you.”

Her lip quivered, and before long Sarah was bawling in your arms. “Mommy has a boyfriend but she says she’s marrying daddy but daddy is dating you but mommy said not to tell anyone about any of it but I told daddy and now mommy is gonna be so mad! She’s always mad at me, she’s mad when she brushes my hair and when I don’t like dinner and when I can’t read the words and now she’ll be mad again!”

Your teacher's senses were tingling. You were better than to ask too many prying questions, but didn’t want to just leave it. “What does she do when she’s mad?” You stroke her back. 

“Yells sometimes. Sometimes she doesn’t talk to me.” She starts calming down, getting the tears out still.

You were relieved. “I’m so sorry that happens to you, beautiful. You absolutely do not deserve it. You are a smart, thoughtful, kindheart and beautiful girl and there is nothing you can do to deserve being ignored or yelled at, okay? But your daddy and your uncle Tommy love you so, so much, and you can trust your daddy with anything. You don’t have to keep secrets, but he will keep yours. He won’t tell your mommy what you said, and you don’t have to keep me a secret.”

A few minutes and a tissue to her sweet face later, Sarah was happily eating chocolate mousse cake and telling Tommy not to eat it.

*

Joel scrubbed his face, stressed at what you filled him in on. After watching Matilda, you hung out with Tommy while Joel put a sleeping Sarah to bed. Once she was safe and secure, Joel spending a little time just sitting by her head, he left her be. She was wearing a headscarf protecting her hair, something she did not take off tonight for the first time. You made it look cool to her.

After interrupting you and Tommy’s loud laughing, you three watched some evening TV before you called it a night, citing drop-off duty. When he walked you to your motorcycle, fretting over the darkness you’d be riding home in. Once alone, you filed him in on what Sarah said.

“She’s under so much stress, and she’s only 5.” He said with a little whine, frustrated and obviously feeling like he’s failing.

You take your boyfriend into your arms. “Joel… baby you’ve done everything to protect her, to make her feel beautiful loved and be happy. She is obsessed with you and Tommy… and her mom, but for the wrong reasons. She wants the approval you and Tommy give her from her mom but… you can’t make Kayla change.”

“I don’t wanna keep her away from her mom, it ain’t right. A girl needs a mom- or um… Sarah needs her mom, not that all girls need a mom or a dad or-”

You cut him off, chuckling. “I know what you mean Joel.”

He clears his throat, still hugging you, seeming to hide his face in your neck. “I’m sorry, I know I say stuff like that and it may not come off like an alley, but I promise I love all y’all. You, Tess, Bill and Frank even if Bill is a grump. Talia too, I care about her a lot.”

“I know, baby. I know. It’s not you, it’s just the words and phrases our language is built around. But I agree, Sarah is a girls girl.” You pull back, cupping his face. “I’m not trying to take Kayla’s place, but I want you to know, if our relationship keeps progressing, I wanna be that girl for Sarah. I wanna be there for her, for her school dances and getting make up and all the fun activities she’ll go to, buy her cute barbies and,” You giggle. “Let her take it out on me when she has bad hair days or break out. Although you and I are both gonna have fly by the seat of our pants in the puberty department.”

He chuckles too, but the moon glistens in his eyes. “You really wanna be with me that long?”

“Joel, right now, I never wanna be away from you.”

Joel tucks your head in, gently kissing your forehead. “Me neither. Thank you for… being willing to do this at Sarah’s pace. At my pace.”

“Of course. I’m not in any hurry, I want you both to be okay.”

Joel loved that you cared about Sarah so much, cared about her well-being. For a while, he just held you, feeling you close, the warmth of your body. He couldn’t help think of last weekend, knowing you intimately. He thought you’d feel different than other women he’d been with, and it did. But not because you were trans, but because it was you. You were special. The physical feeling of sex was indistinguishable but the emotional connection he had with you was unlike any other. He loved Kayla, he really did. But it was never like this. He loved Tess in a different sort of way, a bond that was stronger than what he had with Kayla, something deeper but even then, sex with her wasn’t like this. 

No one was like you.

“Do you want more kids?” Your voice broke him out of it, and he looked into your eyes. The moon shone off the blue in your hair, pulling his gaze for just a second. “Like, another one?”

He blinked, “Oh. Can you…?” He didn’t think you could have kids… did the surgery include adding other things?

It was clear you were trying not to laugh. “No, no unfortunately, the science isn’t there…” There is a little look of sadness, of longing, even as your eyes glittered with laughter. “That’s why I’m asking, I guess… Because I can’t…”

Joel considers this. He hadn’t really thought about it, being so busy with taking care of Sarah and not having romantic prospects… but the idea of another… he loves it. He loves Sarah and it's hard to imagine loving another kid that much… but Sarah would be a good sister and he would love another child… him and Kayla used to talk about a big family.

“I would, but… it’s not contingent. It’s not everything. Getting along with Sarah is. Tommy and Tess liking you is very important. But having kids… isn’t.”

You breathe a sigh of relief, relaxing a bit as you go in for a gentle kiss. “We could always adopt.”

He felt a smile growing. “Yeah, yeah we could.”

You squeeze his buttcheek, then mount your bike and put on your helmet. “Let’s get through Thursday first, cowboy.”

Joel smiled as you started the bike up. “I love you, Blue. Thanks for today.”

“Anything for you.”

Kayla watched Joel, Tess, Tommy, and a woman she could only assume was Tess’s ‘girlfriend’ laugh on the other side of the bar. Of course, none of them knew she was here. Last time she saw Sarah was 2 months ago, Joel refusing to let her see her own daughter. He didn’t have the right to do that, then just leave her at home while he went out drinking. Kayla stood in the corner near the entrance. That’s when she saw her. She was hard to miss, tall like an amazon and blue in her hair walked in. Pushing herself off the bar, Kayla walked right into her, spilling her drink all over Joel’s whore girlfriend. She looked like a skank with her tight black clothes and crop top. 

“Oh shit!” She didn’t sound too irritated at first, but when Kayla shoulder checked her and made an exit, Blue shouted after her. “What’s your problem?”

Kayla just kept walking. Clearly, she didn’t recognize her. They were very different; Blue wasn’t Joel’s type, she was probably just a phase. Something to distract him, to stick his dick into. She’d never be her.

*

Joel saw you walk across the bar, joining him, Tommy, Tess and Talia for drinks. Max would be here, said he was introducing a ‘friend’, which probably just meant a woman he was sleeping with behind his wife’s back. Joel had once tried to out him at a work party, mentioning a lady friend of Max’s he’d met to his wife.They got in a fight, but she didn’t leave him. She was a sweet lady, didn’t deserve his shit but with their kids and being a stay at home mom, she had no options. 

Joel noticed you were cringing, waving your hands as if drying them. Were your clothes wet? He couldn’t tell in your all black.

“Baby?” He stood up from the booth, walking to you. “You okay?” 

“Yeah.” You rolled your eyes. “Some bitch just spilled her drink on me?”

Talia stood up now, looking you over. “What? Why?”

“I dunno.” You shrugged. “But it was full, now I’m fucking soaked.”

Joel began to take off his flannel, white tee shirt underneath. “Here-”

“Oh no, cowboy,” You chuckle. “I’ve stolen enough of your clothes.”

Talia and Tess ushered her to the girls bathroom. “C’mon, we’ll swap around.”

When you come out, you’re wearing Talia’s tank top and Tess’s brown jacket, and looking damn good in it.

 You snuggle up to Joel in the corner as his phone buzz’s, showing Tommy’s name. Joel flips it open to see a text and a pic after a little notification that he was being charged extra for said picture. It’s the babysitter, Jess, and Sarah at the park, eating pop tarts. Joel smiled.

You lean in, smiling too. You and Sarah had grown close, sweet girl that she was, and you were even added to the approved pick up list at daycare, a list only Joel, Tommy, Tess and Frank were on. Kayla was not on that list, you thought to yourself smugly as you looked at the happy picture.

Joel had tried, he really did, but he had to lay out a few rules. Kayla cannot have Sarah over night, and she can’t leave town. No home visits until Joel is sure Sarah is safe. This lead to some fights, some names being called. Blue was once next to Joel during one of these, where Joel said he wanted the first visit supervised. He offered to let Kayla come to his home, to go to a park, hell he’d pay for Chuck E. Cheese, but she wasn’t taking Sarah alone. The things Kayla called him caused you to try and take the phone out of Joel’s hands to cuss her out, but he remained calm and refused. He was far more reasonable with her than you’d be. Joel had complete and total rights and could legally refuse to let Kayla anywhere near her if he wanted to. But he didn’t want to. 

Still, you’d stepped in as a mother figure in a lot of ways. You were careful not to overstep or make the girl uncomfortable, nor to ut yourself in a position that would devastated her if you and Joel broke up. Still, she was a special kid. She was sweet, packing things in her lunch for Ellie because she said Ellie just gets sandwiches, no treats. She brought you home art she made just for you. Once, when you picked her up to take her out to the farm, Sarah made a hanging suncatcher out of tissue paper and gave it to you. You hung it from the mirror in your car, and the next time you picked her up, when Sarah saw it was still there, she was bouncing so excitedly you’d barely gotten her buckled in. You valued the things she gave you.

You loved how she cared for everyone around her. Frank clearly adored her, sweet man that he was. They worked on art all day, and sometimes you drove out to the farm to find them playing soccer. She would tell you excitedly what she did with Frank all day, or that Bill let her sit in the tractor and ‘drive’. Sarah adored ‘auntie Tess’ and had been growing close to Talia. Talia barely had any family and mentioned Sarah would be a cute flower girl.

 Nothing compared to the shenanigans shed get into with Tommy. Sometimes they’d come home with scrapes and bruises but always smiling. Once they burst into the door soaking wet, saying theyd decided to jump into the creek even though it was fall. Joel always fussed over the little things with her, like warming her up after the cold of the creek, but it was harmless fun, the little girl was having the best life possible. 

But there was no one in the entire world Sarah loved more than her daddy. It was always “Daddy says-” and “Daddy thinks-” and her little face lighting up whenever she sees him. They frequently fell asleep on the couch together when you came over for movies, cuddled up under blankets and snoring. It was sweet.

“Here comes Max.” Talia mumbles and you and her lock eyes. She didn’t like Max either and honestly you weren’t sure why Tess kept inviting him places. It was the end of harvest, so they all were out celebrating so I guess it would be rude not to but fuck, you didn’t like this guy. “And his new lady.”

Tess looks up. “Oh shiiit. Joooooel?” 

He’s with the bitch who threw her drink on you, but Tess didn’t know that… who was she to Tess? She was pretty, medium dark skin, long, long hair. It had a little curl, like Joel’s but without the premature grays.

“What the fuck?” Joel mumbles and now you're confused.

You grab his hand. “Baby? Do you know her?” The way his face gets hot and chest rises, you get a bad feeling.

“Yeah, that… Kayla…”

You head whips over to Joel. “What? She’s the one who spilled a drink on me?”

“What-”

But Tess was already getting up to confront them, despite Talia trying to hold her back. 

“I fucking told you if I saw your bitch ass face again I was gonna pop you!”

Max’s eyes go wide, but makes no attempt to protect Kayla. “Hey! What the hell is going on!”

Tess turns to him with a harsh glare. “Do you seriously have no idea who she is?” Max’s head shaking looks convincing enough, because she points a finger in Kayla’s face. “This is Joel’s shit ex-wife, who I’m willing to bet seduced you to get back into Joel’s pants!”

By now, you and Joel were stood up, so was Tommy who’d made his way to the others. You wanted to give Kayla a piece of your mind, but you could tell Joel needed you.

“He never married ‘er” Tommy corrected. “Purposfully got pregnant and got close, but no cigar.”

Kayla crossed her arms at Tess and Tommy. “Our baby was a gift from God. and you need to mind your fucking business.”

“Don’t you fucking-!”

But Max shoved Tommy, yelling at him not to talk to his ‘woman’ like this. This briefly created a scuffle between the men, but Joel left your side, getting between them.

“Hey! Hey!” He grabbed Tommy’s shoulders, whispering harshly for him to stop. Joel turned to Kayla. “You planned this. I know you fucking did, what do you want? Sarah ain’t here.”

Joel could be so smart, but so naive sometimes. She didn’t want Sarah, Sarah was a product of her obsession. She wanted Joel.

“Nothing, I’m just seeing Max.” She continued, arms still crossed,

Tess huffed. “Yeah, his wife know about that?”

Kayla ignored her.

Joel left Tommy, walking up to his ex. She was smaller than him but quite a bit, Joel towering over her. Made you aware of the height you had on her. You didn’t usually mind that you and Joel were the same height, but right now it was stark how different you looked from the cute, petite ex. 

“I just find it funny you’re here instead of with Sarah. So she can have a baby sitter, but can’t see her mom?”

Joel was clearly trying to keep an even temper. “Kay, I told you, you can see her but the first visit gotta be supervised and no-”

“I HAVE A RIGHT TO SEE HER!”

“No you don’t, the courts took that-”

Then you saw it. Before you could move, Kayla balled up a fist and punched Joel right in the throat. Tess caught him as Joel stumbled back, Talia jumping out of the booth to check on him. Tommy looked ready to throat punch her back, but Tommy wasn’t the kind of guy to hit a women.

You, however, weren’t a man.

You jump her, grabbing a fistpull of her shirt and punching her once, twice, three times before she got a hit back, kicking you between the legs. You begin to fall to the floor, but grab her hair and take her down with you, using gravity to your advantage. Surprised by the fall, you use the fact she’s coughing on the ground from the impact to climb on top of her. Kayla gets a punch or two in, but for every hit you get three. It’s not until you feel arms around you, Tess and Tommy, and you’re pulled away that your realize you’ve broken her nose.

Max helps her up, and despite taking a beating, Kayla is still screaming at you and Joel. “You fucking cunt! He’ll never love you, you gangly skank!” You almost go to hit her again when Talia places a hand on your shoulder. You turn your head, seeing her and then seeing Joel. He’s holding his throat, still coughing and struggling to breath. You want Kayla dead.

Tess shouts at Max, who stood dumbly at the sidelines rubbing his two brain cells together to try and process what was happening. “Get her out of here or I swear to god, I’m gonna let Blue kill her!”

Max does as he’s told, looking confused as he pulls a still-shouting Kayla away.

You all get kicked out of the bar.

*

After making sure Joel wasn’t dying, Tess and Talia said their good byes, driving off to Tess’s place that Talia had just moved into. Tommy fretted over Joel’s throat, but once Joel shooed him away, humiliated, Tommy said he’d go home and watch Sarah so you two could talk, but expected a conversation tomorrow.

You sat in Joel’s truck, parked near a pond. Your Nirvana cassette was playing quietly, a few honks of geese in the background as well as crickets made quite the orchestra. 

“She ever hit you before?” You ask, quietly.

He sighs. “Sometimes, yeah. But not like that.”

Blood boils in your chest, fists clenching at the idea of hurting such a sweet, good man. She knew, she fucking knew he’d never stand up to her, that he’d never ht a woman none the less his girlfriend or the mother of his child. She knew he was too gentle, too loving, too good.

“What… how else? If you wanna tell me. Don’t gotta, I swear.” You needed to know. Really, you wanted every single detail so you could make him pay… But admitting this sort of thing took time.

Joel wouldn’t look at you, shame on his face as he fidgeted. “Mostly slapping, some pushing. Nothing that left a mark.”

Of course not. “It’s nothing to be ashamed of, Joel.”

Joel huffs out a disbelieving laugh, shaking his head and you see wetness in his eyes. “Of course it is! I let a woman hurt me, I let her cheat on me, I let her neglect my daughter, I let her- Blue I’m a shit dad and a shit boyfriend and I probably had it coming and-”

“Stop!” You said, a little louder than you meant to. The vein in his neck bulges in tension and you feel bad for scaring him. “I’m sorry, I’m sorry just…” You reach for his hand. “You didn’t deserve it, Joel. Please look at me? Please?” When Joel turns to face you, the tears threaten to spill over but never quite do. Still, his face is red despite is tan skin and his hand is shaking, jaw clenched. “You could never, ever deserve someone hurting you, especially someone who was supposed to love you. You don’t ever talk bad about her, won’t let Tommy or Tess talk bad, you’re respectful even after everything. You deserve better than her.”

He swallowed thickly. “I have better. Better than I deserve.”

You can’t help shaking your head. “You deserve everything good in this world, Joel Miller.”  You kiss him gently, tender, softness in his lifes a contrast to the abuse he suffered. You sweet, sweet man… “And you are not a bad dad, Joel Miller. You’re the best dad that little baby could ask for, don’t you ever let me catch you talking that shit again, okay? You’re a good dad.” a kiss, a soft whimper from his abused, sore throat. “A good brother.” A kiss, his chest rising. “A good friend.” A kiss, his teeth gently biting your bottom lip as you pull away. “And the best boyfriend I could ever ask for. I love you, cowboy, with everything in me, so does all your family. And you deserve all that and more.”

*

Joel and you let the evening slip away like that, innocently kissing by the pond while In Utero played on repeat, but Joel didn’t mind. Sometimes, you’d stop to explain a song to him, why songs like ‘Rape Me’ are not what he thinks they are about. These conversations lead to him opening up about more in his life. It was easier with you.

He told you about Kayla, how it wasn’t just the physical. That would almost be easier. The way she’d accuse him of cheating if he didn’t want to have sex, making him feel obligated to never say no to avoid a huge fight. He confessed, for the first time out loud, that he thinks Tommy has PTSD and thats why he’s turning to drugs and alcohol. He says it's getting worse, and while Tess was always a casual user in a club, Tommy was using more and more even as Tess quit. He said how he thought Talia was so good for Tess in that aspect and he was so happy for them, but he was also worried because now no one was there to watch Tommy. He quickly followed this by reiterating that he didn’t mean he wanted Tess to use again, it was simply his thoughts from the perspective of a brother.

He told you he was worried about Sarah’s friend, Ellie. That they’d had a play date as his house, that Joel and Tommy had to have a background check before it happened. He said he was worried about Ellie, that when he cooked up some chef boyardee, she devoured it down so fast he made another can because she seemed so hungry. Said her clothes were dirty and her hair messy. You promised to check on her the next time you picked up. You were a mandatory reporter, and although this could just be an off day, or she had been out playing before the playdate, if she still looked a mess you’d make an anonymous report. He felt reassured after that. You always knew what to do.

As for you, you told him about how your family rejected you when you came out as gay, kicking you out on the streets where you met Talia. You tell him about the hard times in homeless shelters, scrambling to find food and work when your parents held your social security card hostage. How, just when they’d finally begun to allow you back into their home occasionally, you’d realized you weren’t actually gay, you were trans, and it all started all over again. You tell him about Jeff, the older man in the Austin gay scene who took in homeless youth, how you held his hand as he took his last breath, Joel pulled you close, sliding you up right next to him as you cried at the memory. 

By the time you and him drove home, he felt like he knew you on a whole other level, a way he’d never felt with Kayla. You knew him like no one else did.

And then you and him walk into his house, and that happy bubble pops.

“Tommy?” Joel calls. “Sarah? We’re home, sorry it took so long- SHIT! Blue!”

*

Tommy was on the couch, band around his arm and a needle on the floor.

“SHIT SHIT SHIT!” Joel runs over to him, moving the needle out of the way and smacking him on the face. “Tommy! Wake up!” Her turns to where you are standing, frozen and scared. “Find Sarah, please…” Joel’s voice cracks even as Tommy gains consciousness.

You run outside first, to the backyard. If she’s inside you can find her easier but if she’s outside, you needed to get to her before she got to a street. When you get there, you find Sarah happily playing with her Furby and barbie dolls in the grass.

“Hi Blue!” She smiles at you, and you run down the deck to hold her. “What’s wrong? Are you okay?”

Sweet, empathetic girl. You bury your face into her hair, your heart racing with relief that she was safe. “Yeah baby, everything is great.” Tommy. He had started getting conscious when you left the room, was he okay? You knew he did club drugs, just jesus christ, heroine? You check the yard. It was secure, safe. She wasn’t getting out. “Stay here Sarah, okay?”

“Mhm.” She was preoccupied with her games, unaware as to what is happening inside.

You get inside, running into Joel in the hallway. “She’s okay, she’s just sitting in the yard.”

Joel opens his mouth, about to go outside to check on here when he hears Tommy mutter something about I told you so. His face hardens with a darkness you’d never seen before, and Joel turns around to storm at his brother. When he raises a fist, you run up and catch it, preventing Joel from hitting the wobbly, out of it younger man.

“YOU”RE DOING HEROINE IN FRONT OF MY DAUGHTER!” He bellows, screaming at Tommy in a way that is making you nervous. Once Joel lowers his fist and you feel safe, you quickly pull out your phone and text Tess ‘Joel’s house NOW. 911.’

Tommy puts his hands up defensively. “Relax, man, she’s not here, she’s outside.”

His large chest rises, posturing, but when he talks you can here his voice breaking. “You’re supposed to be watching her! She’s 5, Tommy! Five! She’s just a baby! You can’t leave her alone she’s just a baby! I’m supposed to trust you! Of all people, I should be able to trust YOU! BUt you leave my baby alone!” 

You got the feeling this was half about Tommy, half about the fact Kayla left an infant Sarah alone to scream while she cheated on Joel. He never forgave himself for that, and he’ll never forgive himself for this.

Tommy looked sick, like he wasn’t paying attention. His eyes kept crossing. You leave Joel’s side to grab him, guiding him to the couch where you sit with him. You’d seen plenty of heroin use back in the day. “You need to sit. How much did you take?”

Tommy mumbles an answer, and you sigh in relief, looking up to Joel. “I think he’ll be okay, it’s not a lot.”

He blinks at you. “Oh good, Blue, that’s just great. Just a little bit of heroine, no big deal-”

“I didn’t say that-”

“Who cares that he’s a coked up, alcoholic addict who left Sarah alone to wander off! Who cares about that!”

“Don’t shout at me!” You yell, still holding Tommy. “Don’t you dare imply I don’t care about Sarah! I’ve seen people die from heroin and I’m just trying to tell you your brother won’t be one!”

You expected him to start apologizing, like he usually did if he snapped at anyone, but instead, he surprised you. Joel turned around, pulled at his hair and shouted. It wasn’t at you. You weren’t scared he’d hurt you and it didn’t seem like he was trying to scare you. He wasn’t even shouting at Tommy. He was just… shouting, like everything had been building, and building and it was now an involuntary action. Watching in quiet, you and Tommy can see his body shaking as he breathed deep. You wanted to hold him but you didn’t think it was the right time.

Slowly, Joel steadies himself. You can tell he's doing the breathing you taught him. When he turns around, he’s crying. “I’m sorry.” That’s all he says. You don’t want to say it's okay, because it's not. But it will be. You love him, and you knew him well enough that this wasn’t an intimidation tactic. You’d work through it. “I texted Tess, she’s on her way to get Tommy to watch him.”

He nodded, then turned, muttering about getting Sarah to bed. It’s dark.

*

When Joel came down stairs, Sarah fast asleep, he saw Tommy sleeping in your arms with you fingers to his neck, Tess and Talia sitting with him. “He okay?” 

“Yeah.” You nod. “I’m just making sure he stays okay.”

Joel nods, then looks to the other women. “”M sorry you got dragged into this.”

Talia promises it’s okay, but Tess stands to be by her friend. “It’s alright, Joel. He knows he wasn’t supposed to do this shit at home.”

Sucking in a breath, Joel reminds Tess tha this is heroin, and he shouldn’t be doing it at all. “He needs help, Tess. He need rehab and therapy and-”

“Joel, you know damn well he ain’t gonna go.”

Joel breathes in, then breaths out. “Well he can’t come here until he’s clean. Heroin, coke, molly, all of it-”

“Joel-”

“I’m not doing it, Tess! I can’t! There is a needle in my house where Sarah plays, what if she walked inside and found it!”

Tess was silent. She had taken the needle and wrapped it up, putting it in her purse for proper disposal, she knew how dangerous they could be.

Joel continued. “What if Kayla came here and saw him? I could lose my parental rights and she’d be up, she could gain full custody after that and she would be right too! Jesus! I don’t think you guys understand what happened here!”

“I do.” You spoke up. “I understand Joel, i think we all do. And I think it’s a good idea for Tommy to go to rehab and get help. I’m just trying to focus on making sure he’s okay right now, alright?” You speak gently, calmly. Like you’re explaining these to your school kids; clear, not condescending.

It was all becoming too much for Joel, you knew. He opens his mouth to speak when you hear the pitter patter of bare feet on the floor. “Daddy?” Sarah appears in a little onesie, scarf in her hair, rubbing her eyes. “I heard yelling.”

Seamlessly, Joel going into parent mode, picking her up in his arms and speaking soft words. “Sorry baby, that was the TV, we had it too loud.”

Sarah surveys the room, clinging to her dad. Kids often can tell when something is wrong. “I wanted to say goodnight to uncle Tommy… is he sleeping?”

Wincing, Joel responded. “Yeah baby. He’s asleep.”

“Oh… can I give him a goodnight kiss?”

Joel walked Sarah over to Tommy with a nervous energy. He knew nothing could hurt her, but it didn’t help him. He let Sarah lean over. “Uncle Tommy’s gonna leave for a little bit, so say goodbye.”

“Why?”

“He just has to take care of things, don’t you worry your pretty head about it.”

Sarah kissed Tommy’s sleeping forehead, whispering sweet dreams. Then, she sang twinkle twinkle little star while stroking his hair. She looked at you when Joel pulled her back up. “That’s what daddy sings to me.”

You smile. “Good job, Sarah. I bet uncle Tommy will have-” Your voice breaks, and you hide back tears. “Sweet dreams.”

“Alright baby girl, time for bed.” Joel began to take her off to her room again, but pointed at Tommy, then at the door.

*

Tess and Talia and you all put Tommy in Tess’s car, Talia pulling you aside. “You wanna come with us? We can get your car in the morning.”

But you shake your head. “No, no Joel and I are gonna talk.”

She gave you a sympathetic look and a hug. After thanking her and Tess, and one more look at Tommy, you head back to the house. 

Joel is already standing there. He speaks before you have a chance to.

“This isn’t gonna work.”