Archive of Our Own ^beta

Joker was otherworldly.

He was breathtaking like this, bathed in the fiery orange sunrise, eyes closed, lips parted ever so slightly as he slept. He looked peaceful, unburdened by the world, and Simeon wanted nothing more than to run his fingers along his nose and cheekbones; to feel him beneath his hands. 

Yet he didn’t. Simeon rested his head down on his arms, and chose to watch in silence, the rise and fall of Joker’s chest, the way he shifted, scrunching his nose in discontent as ginger strands of hair brushed his nose; not yet bothered by the sunlight streaming through the window.

Simeon wondered how he would look at him when he woke up, if he would give him the privilege of hearing his sleepy laughter, tell him good morning like always; or perhaps this time he’d finally pull him closer, so close their noses would brush, and the world would only be as big as this twin sized bed for a few moments longer.

The sun continued its ascent into the sky, adorning the small room in Rethwin Tollhouse with orange and yellow hues, causing Joker to stir from his sleep, brows creased into a displeased expression as he blinked the sleep and light from his eyes, hand coming up to shield them.

“Good mornin’”

Simeon’s voice leaves him in a quiet whisper, a fond smile on his lips before he can even think about it. Joker stretches his arm above his head with a light grunt, turning his head to look over at Simeon, laughing so softly it almost shouldn’t have even been audible. All the same, it takes Simeon’s breath away, and he has to hold himself back from reaching out, closing the gap between their lips with one swift movement.

“Mornin’, you coulda woken me up ya know?”

“I know, ya looked so peaceful though figured I’d let you sleep.”

Rolling over on his side to face him, Joker looks at Simeon with such a fond, loving expression; he selfishly thinks maybe he will pull him close, maybe he’ll kiss his rosy cheeks and tell him all of those selfish things he longed to hear roll off of his tongue. They never leave his lips, instead, Joker speaks to him like a familiar friend.

“Mmh.. Yeah, I guess I was sleepin’ real good huh?”

“You needed it.. besides breakfast isn’t ‘till later, didn’t wanna wake you fer no real reason.”

“Wouldn’t be no real reason if ya just wanted some company.”

The lilt to his words makes Simeon’s stomach do flips, and gives him the idea that perhaps his nonsensical wishes could become reality. Perhaps if he were braver, if he had half the heart Joker did he could say something, act on the compulsions that screamed at him every time a strand of hair got into Joker’s eyes, or his empty sleeve got caught on a doorknob. Yet, all Simeon could do was flush a shade of pink, laughing in an awkward manner that would put the shiest of schoolgirls to shame.

“I don’ mind the mornin’ silence.”

“That’s a shame.”

As he watched Joker roll over onto his back once more, Simeon felt his heart constrict in his chest, like his body knew he had said something wrong before his brain did. Taking it back would be so easy, just as easy as reaching out to touch him would be, and yet he doesn’t do it. The words catch in his throat, and the ‘what if’s’ suffocate any hope of him ever bringing it up.

Joker was beautiful.

Even more so when the wind caught his hair, turning each strand to wisps of copper under the sun’s light, tousling them into knots Simeon hoped he’d have to help brush out later. The laughter from the children echoed from the field at the foot of the hill; a comforting background chatter to his thoughts.

“Ya know, when Father gives me an arm.. I’ll carry you up this hill m’self.”

The statement catches Simeon off guard, looking up at him with a bewildered expression. He looked so serious, staring off towards the horizon, deep blue eyes narrowed ever so slightly. Though, the telltale quirk to his lips betrayed his seriousness, softened his edges just enough to make Simeon laugh softly, leaning on the arm of his wheelchair.

“Sure ya won’t get tired halfway an’ give up?”

Joker laughs, and Simeon takes the chance to admire him in full without hesitation. The crinkle around his eyes and the way his whole face scrunched with the force of his joy. He was nothing short of mesmerizing; Simeon was sure he could spend hours memorizing each curve of his body, from the bridge of his nose to the slope of his calves. How he longed to do nothing more than litter each corner of him with his touch, but as always, Simeon kept his hands to himself.

“Ha! I’ll prove ya wrong soon enough! Jus’ wait n’ see.”

He was cute, looking at him with that proud smile, his hand on his hip. The sun illuminated him in a way that had Simeon’s heart thumping in his chest, no matter how hard he tried to mask it by resting his chin in his hand, looking up at Joker with an all too gentle smile. 

“I’m lookin’ forward to it. Best not disappoint me.”

“Me? Disappoint you? Never.”

If his legs worked, Simeon would have jumped up from his wheelchair, and crashed into Joker for a hug. Something warm and spontaneous to thank him for existing, for being here. His legs didn’t work anymore, they hadn’t for a long time, so his dreams were nothing but that. Just dreams, blips of wishes and wants that were carried off like leaves in the wind. Perhaps eventually they would come floating back, in a universe where he could finally fulfill them.

“You’re right.”

Joker’s eyes widen slightly as Simeon speaks, a deep blue sparkle amidst a light dust of pink on his cheeks, lips curved into a sheepish half smile. He scratches his cheek, laughing softly in a way that betrays his otherwise confident demeanor from moments before. He wonders if Joker will lay himself bare for just a moment longer, so he can stay in his light for a while more, but just as the curtains open, they fall shut, signaling the end of his spectacle.

Joker was determined.

The way Simeon is lifted from his wheelchair with no prior warning was telling enough of that, his arms frantically wrapping around Joker’s neck to support himself. The summer air is heavy and thick, but it only gets hotter as Simeon finds his face heating up ten more degrees. They’ve been close plenty of times, but never like this; Joker’s hands supporting his back and hooked under his legs. Simeon held onto his figure for the kind of security one could only hope to get from a loved one.

“Joker! You can’t jus’-“

The surprised shouts, yells, and excited hollers of their friends and family behind them cut him off, looking back at them for a moment before turning his attention back to Joker. He was smiling, cheeks flushed from the sticky summer heat, bangs damp with sweat and stuck against his forehead. Even now, he looked beautiful, he was smiling the biggest Simeon had ever seen him, like for the moment, his burdens didn’t exist.

“I told ya I wouldn’t disappoint!”

He laughs, the kind of laughter only Joker could pull from him, the head thrown back, snorting kind of laugh; the sun in his eyes and the wind through his hair. His laughter must be contagious, because Joker can’t help himself; their laughter echoes around the greenery, and rolls down the hills; uncaring of who overhears, unafraid for the moment being.

The top of the hill is the same as always, and the sight causes Simeon’s laughter to fade, looking out at the horizon to the treeline beyond Rethwin Tollhouse, loosening his grip around Joker as he does so. The summer breeze provides little respite from the heat, though it provides an oddly nostalgic feeling nonetheless, carrying the sweet tune of the world around them with it.

Simeon turns his head to look at Joker, surprised to find him already looking down at him. The unexpected eye contact flushes both of them, though Simeon finds it hard to tear his gaze away from him. Joker looked at him with an expression that would make ice melt in seconds; a subtle softness to his eyes, the slight raise of his brows everything about him was begging- no- screaming for Simeon to reach out just this once.

“Joker-“

The words catch in his throat and constrict his breath, no matter how badly he wants to say them. He shouldn’t. Feeling this way was wrong, wasn’t it? His heart shouldn’t swell in his chest when Joker so much as smiled in his direction, and yet it did, just as he longed to feel his lips against his own, to feel his skin underneath his fingertips. How badly Simeon wished to card his fingers through Joker’s copper tresses, to offer him his lap to lay on, take the weight off of his shoulders for just a while longer. To love him with his entire being, so bright it would put the summer sun to shame. 

So he doesn’t speak, no more words are uttered from Simeon’s lips, not even the faintest whisper as he runs his hands along Joker’s skin, finding a home on his cheeks, thumb wiping a bead of sweat from his cheekbone. The world is silent, and Simeon thinks for a second that the world stops spinning, time slowing in an all too fictional fashion. He begins to regret his boldness, reminders of how this should be wrong swarming his mind. Maybe if he were a girl, maybe then he’d find the courage to kiss him; to devour Joker whole in a way only lovers could.

“I think..”

Simeon pauses, lips slightly parted as he thinks over his next words. He had so much he wanted to say, so many things he wished he could, but they weren’t possible. Not now, not here; no matter how badly it hurt, or how deep the knife dug into his chest. Unable to maintain eye contact with him any longer, Simeon looked off to the side, just barely removing his hands from Joker’s cheeks before his lips messily crashed with Simeon’s. 

The action caught him off guard, his hands firmly returning to their places on Joker’s cheeks, eyes wide with surprise for a split second before they closed, Simeon leaning up into the kiss with a quiet noise of content. Joker tasted like salt and summer sweat, his kiss a desperate mash of lips and tongue, messy and imperfect. Not that Simeon even stopped to consider it, to compare it to the polite way his parents would kiss one another in the kitchen, no; this was perfect as it was. 

Even as Joker broke the kiss, Simeon followed after, every inch of him craving just another taste, another second of his lips against his own. Yet, he settled, resting their foreheads together in a compromise, the tips of their noses brushing past one another. 

“I’m in love with you.”

The sudden admission catches Simeon off guard, brows furrowing together as he searches Jokers eyes for any hint of a teasing glimmer, a buoy in the deep blue waters of his irises; but finds nothing. Only his fondness and love remains along the shoreline, laid bare for Simeon to see.

“I’m- I’m in love with you too.”

He manages to get his words out this time, despite feeling like they might just burn him alive on the way out. He knew he loved him more than words could ever portray, and even more than his mere hands could ever hope to show him in this lifetime and the next.

Joker was compassionate.

Yet, his tent was mostly empty, nothing but a bed, an old picture, and his belongings. He claimed it made things easier to pack up, though he still helped the others pack up all of their things when the circus had to move cities. Perhaps having nothing became more of a comfort than having anything. Though Simeon couldn’t help but feel like he could have at least invested in more blankets.

“It’s freezin’ in here! d’ya not have any other blankets?”

Simeon’s teeth chattered with each word, huddled under the thin blanket with Joker, whose body was also trembling, his breath leaving him in thick puffs of vapor, despite still being clothed from the performance earlier. Neither of their bodies retained their natural heat well, leaving them like two shaking, abandoned puppies out in the dead of winter with nowhere else to go. Even then, Simeon snuggled himself closer to Joker, pulling the blanket tighter around the two of them.

“No, I didn’t expect it ta get so damn cold, where are yours?”

“I gave ‘em to my brothers, Hugh is still so little I’m worried he’ll catch a cold.”

Joker laughed softly, moving his hand out from under the blankets to caress Simeon’s face, his thumb running along his bottom lip as his expression drifted to one of concern. His hand was only slightly warmer than Simeon’s cold skin, but he leaned into the touch all the same, meeting Joker’s gaze with a tired smile.

“Always too worried about everyone else… yer turnin’ blue on me.”

“I am not..!”

“You are!”

“Warm me up then!”

“Don’t have’ta tell me twice.”

His lips are cold against Simeon’s, causing him to flinch ever so slightly with a laugh, muttering a quiet apology against Joker’s lips. Kissing Joker was always warm, muffled laughs against one another’s lips, swallowed up by hungry, young love; two flames greedy for more. A soft, tender touch against cold skin sent shivers down a spine whilst the frigid December air howled outside, causing the fabric of the tent to flap loudly, the chill continuing to seep into their bones.

Simeon shivered in Joker’s hold, pulling his body even closer, so that there was no room left between them, nothing but tongues, hands, and warm breaths exchanged in a deep winter silence. Simeon never wanted to let go, if he could, he’d pause time, and spend the rest of his time here, with his hands entangled in Joker’s hair, feeling him under his fingertips in the way only a lover could. His touch, his lips wandered from Simeon’s; leaving their warmth along his cheeks and jawline, searing his name against Simeon’s neck and collarbones.

If it was wrong? Then why, oh why did it feel so good?

Joker is…

lying next to him on the ground, and for a second, Simeon wishes they were back at Rethwin Tollhouse, laying in the grass on that hill, and instead of blood smearing across Joker’s skin, it would be the sun, decorating him in that breathtaking glow Simeon yearned to see. He forgets the pain in his own chest, outstretched fingertips just barely brushing Joker’s blood stained cheek. He wishes he’d blink, that he would breathe, crack a smile at him. Something. Anything. 

Any words spoken by that damn kid and his servant fell on deaf ears, the knife in his chest radiating pain, warmth soaking his skin and clothes, yet freezing him at the same time. He wonders when death will be kind enough to take his hand, to show him the road back home; to a sunny hilltop in summer; sweaty skin and rosy cheeks. It becomes harder to focus the longer time flows, just as his blood stains the floor, mingling with Joker’s own. Crimson meets crimson in a way that could have been beautifully poetic, if it wasn’t born from tragedy. 

The fire ignited lights up Joker’s face in a way that almost makes it possible to imagine he is alive, that he’s breathing and blinking, waiting for Simeon to respond to something silly he said. Through his tears, it almost seems plausible, and his weakened voice goes to call out, but his breath catches in his throat, a choked, strangled noise the only sound besides the steady crackle from the fire consuming the house, smoke burning his eyes and lungs more and more with each passing minute. 

For the rest of his time, the world was only as big as these few marble tiles, the space between himself and Joker never felt so large. His empty glassy stare, the tear stains along his cheeks. Simeon forced himself to look the other way, to stare the flames in the eye, each labored breath bringing a new wave of pain with it. By the time the fire licked at his skin, Simeon found the pain became a dull throb, a cold grip on his nerves and senses. He hoped he could die remembering Joker as he was. 

Yet as the blaze consumed him, burned her name into his skin, and ran her searing touch along his figure; all he could find himself thinking about was these few marble tiles and the contents atop them. Joker was many things, and yet, alive was not one of them.