Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Ghoul tried to stay calm as they dragged him out of the van.

He stumbled forward, unable to see where he was going because of the blindfold covering his eyes. His hands were tied in front of his body, but at least he was able to stand by himself. They’d tended to his wounds and let him rest for a couple of days in the sterile cell at the facility. They’d let his bruises heal and hosed him down, putting him into scratchy white clothes to make him look presentable.

Ghoul’s skin was crawling with fear at the thought of what this might mean, but he wasn’t going to cry and he wasn’t going to beg.

“Keep moving.”

He recognised Korse’s voice, the head Exterminator who had overseen his interrogations during the past two weeks. They had been surprisingly humane. He’d been beaten and electroshocked, but none of his bones had been broken, no one had cut him open or injected him with anything. They had asked about his friend, which meant Jet must have gotten away. Ghoul had told them nothing.

A hand grabbed his shoulder to steer him into the right direction. Ghoul resisted the urge to struggle. He knew that he wouldn’t be able to free himself. He didn’t even know where exactly they had taken him. Apparently, it was supposed to be his new living quarters, but he didn’t understand why he wasn’t drugged out of his mind yet.

“Stop.”

Ghoul froze and the hand on his shoulder made him turn around. He heard the sliding of an electronic door and then the blindfold was ripped from his head.

He blinked frantically against the brightness, his eyes burning in the sudden, blinding light. It took him a moment to make out shapes. They were in a small white room, the two Dracs who had dragged him out of his cell behind him and Korse glaring down at him.

Ghoul tried to scan his environment as subtly as possible, searching for an exit, the way he was trained to do. But the only way out was currently blocked by Korse. The buttons on the wall told him they were inside an elevator. It seemed his new home was going to be an apartment complex.

“Now, let’s make sure you understand what’s happening, Frank,” Korse said and leaned in. He looked pale in the bright light, his eyes dark and intense. “We signed you up for the Supervised Reintegration Program. You’re going to meet your Supervisor now. And you’re going to behave. You’re going to stand there and speak only when you’re spoken to. You’re going to put on a pretty smile to make a good impression. And you’re going to make yourself useful at your new home and you’ll fulfil every task given to you to prove that you are reintegrating into society properly. If you give any reason for complaint, it will be reported and you’ll be back at the facility in no time. And this time, you won’t come back out.”

Ghoul swallowed. The electric collar around his neck felt too tight and heavy.

He had already assumed something like this since they hadn’t reprogrammed him. Plenty of joys who were captured just had their memory wiped and were put back into the system on their own. But sometimes they were assigned a household to live in instead, allegedly so their progress could be monitored more efficiently. But the households always belonged to rich and important folks, people whose loyalty Bli wanted to buy. Sometimes the price for that loyalty was a poor kid from the Zones no one would miss.

“Do you understand what is required of you?” Korse asked. Ghoul couldn’t help staring at the low cut of his frilly shirt.

He wasn’t naïve enough to believe he would be asked to help out around the house and babysit the kids. They were handing him over to a stranger, giving them complete control over his mind and body, and threatened to kill him if he didn’t do whatever he was told.

“I’m supposed to spread my legs for some rich fuck, ain’t I?” he spit out.

Of course Bli’s citizens weren’t supposed to indulge in their sexuality. They had the porno droids to take care of their physical needs. But Ghoul also knew that the rules never applied to the people at the top.

Korse had the audacity to smirk.

“Watch your language, Frank. You’re not in the Zones anymore.”

Ghoul snarled at him like a feral animal.

“And you should be grateful. Usually, we’d keep you in the facility for months. I’d break every bone in your body to make you talk. But the Director herself gave the order. She didn’t want to damage your pretty face any further. And Gerard has been getting impatient. We’ve been looking for the perfect toy for him for a while already.”

Ghoul’s heart dropped straight to his stomach. A part of him had hoped that he was mistaken. He fought back tears. Korse had seen him cry during the interrogations already, but those had been tears of pain. He wouldn’t do him the favour of crying with fear, too.

At least they had clearly mistaken him for a regular Runner, one of the many kids who had escaped the system as teenagers and were now trying to get by somehow. If they’d recognised him as a killjoy, they wouldn’t have cared about keeping his face intact. They would have tortured him until he gave away the location of his friends, of Jet and Pony and most importantly Dr. D’s radio station.

“They didn’t even prescribe you any pills,” Korse commented. “Special request. He wants you all there in the head. He likes them feisty.”

Ghoul tried to keep his breathing even. Korse sounded smug, excited even as if the thought of Ghoul putting up a fight somehow aroused him.

That explained why they hadn’t drugged him to erase his memories and make him submissive, although that was usually Bli’s standard procedure. It also meant that this Gerard guy had to be a real sadistic sleaze, someone who wanted Ghoul conscious while he hurt him. He would want to make him scream and cry.

He told himself that it was alright though. Ghoul was familiar with pain. He’d been burnt and stabbed and shot before. He could handle whatever was about to come, as long as the questions finally stopped. No one would ask about his friends anymore. He could no longer be tempted to sell them out to make the pain stop.

Ghoul checked the buttons on the control panel. There were twenty floors in this building and they were going to the penthouse.

A private household wouldn’t be as guarded as the Bli facility. Ghoul might find a way to escape. Or he might find a way to kill himself, if there was no other way out. Anything was better than becoming someone’s pet.

“You’re really lucky to have Gerard as your Supervisor, too,” Korse carried on. He obviously liked to hear himself talk, or maybe he just liked to give Ghoul a scare.

Ghoul tried to keep his face as indifferent as possible.

“He’s very impressive - the youngest Scarecrow in the corporation's history. He got appointed when he was only 15 years old. Now he’s head of the propaganda department. He’s quite good looking, too. A lot of people in Battery City would love to trade places with you.”

“Why don’t ya trade places with me if ya wanna fuck him so bad?”

The shock came without warning, pain shooting through his body, the collar around his neck sizzling with electricity. Ghoul cried out, his legs giving out underneath him, but one of the Dracs grabbed his arm to keep him upright. He still felt shaky even when the pain subsided.

He should have known better than to speak up. Jet always told him to stay calm and remain watchful, but Ghoul’s mouth often got the better of him. Thinking about Jet calmed him a little, even though it hurt to know that he had to believe Ghoul was dead, or at least gone for good.

“I told you to mind your language,” Korse said sharply and held up the remote control as a warning. It was a small device with only one button on it; its only purpose to cause pain.

The Drac let go of him again as the elevator doors slid open.

Ghoul was shoved forward, forced to follow Korse out onto the corridor. There was only a single door up here, so the apartment had to take up the entire floor. The white front door was flanked by four Dracs, standing perfectly still, their masks not giving away anything at all.

Ghoul’s Supervisor had to be a fucking fat rat if they took his security this seriously. Even Korse only had two bodyguards and he was the highest-ranking Exterminator Ghoul knew of.

Inside the apartment the rat would be unprotected though. If Ghoul attacked him, he would never make it past the Dracs outside, but he didn’t need to. He was ready to die anyway, maybe he could take this fucker down with him at least. Maybe Gerard was important enough to get the word about his assassination out into the Zones. Maybe Jet would learn that at least Ghoul had gone out with a bang.

Korse stepped past the Dracs and unlocked the door with his keycard.

Ghoul thought that it was weird he had access to the place. Maybe he was close to Gerard.

The door slid open, allowing them to enter a loft. The space was mostly open, there were two couches at the centre of the room and Ghoul could see part of the open kitchen and the dining area. The walls and the furniture were all white, just the grey carpet added some sense of depth to the room. Ghoul thought the place looked like a hospital. It told him nothing about the person living here.

“Gerard, we’re here. I brought the gift I promised you!”

Someone dashed around the corner, moving so fast that Ghoul’s hands immediately went to his hip, instinctively trying to reach for his Raygun, only to realise he was still unarmed and handcuffed.

“He’s here? Babe, you’re the best!”

Ghoul frowned at the pet name, quickly glancing at Korse to see if maybe those two were actually a thing, but Korse seemed pretty indifferent, his expression almost stern.

So Ghoul quickly looked back at the person who had to be Gerard. The first thing he noticed was that he looked younger than he had expected, although it probably made sense if he’d been a Scarecrow since he was a teenager. Ghoul had automatically pictured some gross old guy, but Gerard could only be a couple of years older than Ghoul at most.

The second thing he realised was that he knew Gerard. He had never met him personally, but he knew his face from Bli’s official news broadcast and from the commercials projected all across the City and the Zones. Apparently, he didn’t just run the propaganda department, he was also fronting it.

The decision made sense, given his face. People in the City generally looked more polished than the joys in the Zones. They were cleaner, they had better skin and a perfectly even complexion. But even aside from his smooth, pale skin, Gerard was astonishingly pretty. He had large eyes, strong eyebrows and a nose that pointed upwards in a cute way. He was skinny, his cheekbones clearly visible and his lashes incredibly long. His blonde hair was combed back strictly, making it impossible to tell how long it actually was. Just like Ghoul, he was wearing the plain white clothes Bli supplied to its citizens.

The most dazzling thing was his smile though. He was beaming at them, exposing the upper row of his small yet very even teeth and his eyes seemed to sparkle with genuine excitement. He was by far the prettiest person Ghoul had ever met, in a very cleaned-up and smoothed-out kind of way, the kind of pretty they showed on the TV.

“He is absolutely gorgeous.”

Gerard started circling them, his eyes raking Ghoul’s body. It made him feel hot and uncomfortable and like he wanted to scratch off his own skin. He wanted to make a run for the door, but knew they’d get him before he could make his way to the elevator.

“His name is Frank Iero, he’s 19, born in Zone 6,” Korse said.

“Ghoul,” Ghoul said sharply. He’d given up on correcting Korse, but he didn’t want to be introduced as someone he was not.

Gerard turned his head, looking at Korse in confusion, as if he was surprised Ghoul had spoken at all.

“They give themselves names in the desert,” Korse explained and Ghoul wondered how Gerard could possibly not know this. He knew how shielded the average citizen in Bat City was, but he’d assumed it would be different for Crows. Gerard looked at Korse like a child waiting for the explanation of an adult.

“Apparently, he went by the name Fun Ghoul out there.”

“Well.” Gerard scrunched up his pretty nose as if he was somehow displeased with that name. “It’s nice to meet you, Frank.”

“That ain’t my fucking na …”

The pain cut him off before he could finish his sentence. Every muscle in his body seemed to burn and he screamed again, but this time no one was there to keep him upright. He landed on his knees, more pain shooting up through his legs.

“Language,” Korse reminded him.

Ghoul glared up at him, panting while trying to regain his composure. His eyes flickered towards Gerard to check on his expression, but his face was completely blank. He looked neither gleeful at Ghoul’s pain nor like he was pitying him, just indifferent to it.

“You’ll have to train him,” Korse said. “It would be easier if you made him take his pills.”

“I’d rather not, you know that.”

Ghoul pushed himself up again, struggling to keep his balance while his hands were still bound. He felt vulnerable enough as it was without being on his knees.

“You might have to. See, he’s stubborn.” Korse nodded at him as if Ghoul’s refusal to stay on the ground illustrated his words.

Gerard stepped closer and for a moment Ghoul thought he would take his arm to keep him stable. But instead he reached for his face, grabbing his chin and turning his head, as if he had never heard of personal space, or as if Ghoul was simply an object he could inspect.

Ghoul bared his teeth.

“What’s that thing on his face?” Gerard asked and rubbed his thumb against the scar running from Ghoul’s lips up his cheek.

He hissed, trying to turn his head away subtly enough to not risk another electroshock.

“It’s a scar,” Korse explained and once again Ghoul wondered how in the name of the Witch Gerard did not know that. “An old injury.”

Gerard didn’t let go of Ghoul’s chin, keeping his head tilted to the side so their eyes didn’t meet directly.

“Don’t they have medical care out there?” he asked. The way he kept talking to Korse instead of Ghoul was infuriating. Ghoul felt the strong urge to headbutt him, but that wouldn’t get him anywhere. He should stay calm, that was what Jet would tell him to do: save his energy and observe the situation to find a way out of it.

“It’s not as advanced as it is here in the City. It leaves scars. It’s dangerous out there.”

Ghoul gritted his teeth, because he really wanted to point out that it would be far less dangerous if Bli stopped trying to kill them.

“Mh.” Gerard made a small noise of discontentment as he finally let go of Ghoul’s chin.

“If it bothers you, we could try to find you another one. But it might be a while until we find someone else who matches your criteria.”

Korse sounded almost apologetic and Ghoul realised that his interrogation hadn’t just been rushed, because they assumed he knew nothing of importance anyway. They had been searching for someone specifically like him.

“Oh, no, he’s perfect.”

Gerard reached up to tuck a strand of hair away behind Ghoul’s ear. The gesture was both tender and invasive. Ghoul had to force himself to not flinch back.

“Thank you so much, dear.” Gerard turned to look at Korse again. Ghoul watched his bright smile from the side. He looked joyful, like a child. “I absolutely love him.”

The words made his chest feel tight. He felt like a toy that was being handed over to a stupid, careless child, who would just ask for a new one if they accidentally broke him.

“You should try him out soon, to make sure he lives up to your expectations,” Korse said and Ghoul felt like throwing up. “You could do it right now, so I could take care of it immediately if you have any complaints.”

Ghoul glared at Korse, but Korse wasn’t looking at him. He was looking only at Gerard. His words sounded provoking, but his eyes seemed almost hopeful.

“I know how busy you are, Korse.” Gerard hung his head and gazed up at Korse through his lashes. There was something very calculating flashing up behind his eyes for a second, so briefly that Ghoul wasn’t quite sure if he had spotted it correctly. Gerard’s voice was very sweet. “I wouldn’t want to keep you. Bli needs you. And I intend to take my time with him after all.”

Ghoul should have been filled with dread by his words, but he was too fascinated by the scene playing out in front of him. He knew that every bit of information he managed to gather could decide over life and death at some point, and the way Korse’s jaw relaxed was very telling. He looked disappointed but not angry. He knew that he’d just been kicked out of the apartment very politely, but for some reason, he seemed almost relieved by it.

“Then I’ll leave you to it. Enjoy yourself. Don’t overdo it.”

He held the remote control for Ghoul’s collar out to Gerard, who took it with a smile that turned into a little pout immediately.

“I’d never,” he said and Korse laughed as if that was some kind of inside joke. Ghoul hadn’t pictured him as someone capable of laughing.

“Well, let me know if there are any problems.” Korse didn’t say it like he was giving instructions to a subordinate. He said it like a parent promising their child that they would fix their mess if they ever needed help.

“What else would I do? Solve them by myself? Don’t be ridiculous.” Gerard raised his hand still holding the remote control to wave after Korse as he turned to leave. Ghoul kept his eyes fixed on it. He wondered if there was any way to wrestle it from Gerard without alerting the Dracs outside once they were alone.

“Love you!” Gerard called after Korse, but Korse didn’t react, which really made Ghoul wonder if Gerard had spent too much time in the sun. He didn’t seem dimmed down like a regular citizen or mechanic like one of the Dracs, but weirdly empty-headed anyway. Maybe his job was to supply only a pretty face for Bli’s campaigns and it was in their best interest that he wasn’t actually the brightest.

The door slid shut and for a few seconds it was completely silent as if both of them were waiting for something.

Then Gerard turned around to look at Ghoul. It was the first time he actually met his eyes.

Ghoul wasn’t sure how to feel. On the one hand, they were alone now and Gerard posed less of a threat than Korse and his Dracs. But on the other hand, he was now locked into this apartment and he dreaded what would happen next.

“Let’s try this again,” Gerard said. He spoke more calmly than before. He was still smiling, but he was showing less teeth and he was looking at Ghoul curiously. “Hi.”

Ghoul looked back with a frown, not sure what Gerard wanted from him. He cleared his throat. “Hi,” he said hoarsely.

“Let’s take those off,” Gerard said and gestured at Ghoul’s handcuffs.

Ghoul hesitated but extended his hands, allowing Gerard to type a code into the electric handcuffs. He paused after the first two digits, looking up.

“You’re not going to attack me, are you?” he asked.

“No,” Ghoul lied.

“Because you won’t get past the guards outside and they’d send you straight back for reprogramming. So don’t be stupid.”

Ghoul had to admit that Gerard was right. It was what Jet would tell him if he was here anyway. He didn’t have to get out of here immediately. Gerard didn’t seem very threatening, but Ghoul hadn’t figured him out yet either. It was better to take his time to observe the situation for a while before making a move. He might find a way to escape. He might even find a way to take Gerard hostage. He was clearly important if the Director had seen to Ghoul’s transfer personally. He could damage the system if he just stayed level-headed.

The handcuffs sprung open and Ghoul tossed them off immediately, not caring that they landed on the floor.

“There you go,” Gerard said and reached for Ghoul’s neck. Ghoul instinctively flinched back and Gerard sighed quietly. “The collar, love. You don’t have to wear that around here.”

Ghoul froze, forcing himself to keep still. He knew he was supposed to wear the collar at all times. Gerard was taking a stupid risk by taking it off, but Ghoul wasn’t going to stop him. If Gerard tried anything funny now, he would be able to fight back.

Gerard typed the code into the collar until it sprung open. He giggled to himself. It was a cute, high-pitched sound. “He uses the same code for everything,” he said and took the collar off Ghoul, tossing it onto the coffee table.

Ghoul reached up to touch his neck. It felt sore and stiff. He was glad to be able to move freely again.

“Thanks,” he mumbled. He didn’t feel like thanking his captor for anything, but it seemed safer to get on Gerard’s good side for now.

“So, I’m Gerard Way,” Gerard said and his grin widened until he was showing his small teeth again. He seemed happy, and blissfully unaware of how uncomfortable the circumstances of their meeting were for Ghoul. “I’m 24, born and raised in Bat City. I'm Aries and yes, everything they say about us is true. My favourite colour is …”

Ghoul looked around the sterile apartment. “… white?” he guessed.

“It used to be red.” Gerard grabbed his chin again, lighter and more careful this time, tilting Ghoul’s head back to force him to meet his eyes. “But I think I just changed my mind. I think it might actually be hazel now.”

It took Ghoul a full second to actually process the words and then he felt a warm heat uncurling in his stomach that was absolutely inappropriate. Gerard was still holding his gaze, a small smirk tugging at the corner of his lips that almost made Ghoul forget about the situation at hand.

“Don’t flirt with me.” He slapped Gerard’s hand away so fiercely that it had to sting. “Ya got some nerve, motherfucker.”

“Language,” Gerard said. There was no bite to it, the word seemed to slip out rather automatically. He used the exact same intonation as Korse.

He stepped back, turning slightly. “Now come on, I’m going to show you what you are here for.”

Ghoul stood frozen in place. Gerard sounded casual, but his words still felt like a threat.

He turned around again, looking Ghoul over with a frown as if he was trying to solve a complicated problem.

“Everything alright … Ghoul?” Gerard paused before using his name, as if he wasn’t quite sure how to pronounce it or if it was really his place to use it. He suddenly looked insecure. Ghoul felt himself relaxing just slightly. Even if it was just in an attempt to lower his defences, Gerard was still making an effort.

“You don’t have to be scared. I’ll look after you now.”

Gerard made it sound like it was easy. Ghoul was no longer on the run and he wasn’t actively being tortured. Gerard seemed to think that ought to be enough to make him happy. And a part of Ghoul even wanted to curl up in Gerard’s arms. He might be one of them, but he could make sure Ghoul wouldn’t be hurt anymore and he had spent the last two weeks hurt and scared, not knowing what would happen to him next. It seemed all too easy to fall for a friendly smile and believe that it was genuine.

He took a hesitant step forward and Gerard smiled at him encouragingly before turning to walk towards the kitchen. Ghoul figured that the kitchen wasn’t too dangerous, so he followed, keeping enough distance between them so that he would be able to dodge if Gerard tried to grab him.

“You’ll be staying at home,” Gerard said, his voice a high chit-chat. He had a distinctive city accent, pronouncing the words very clearly. “I’m sorry, I know it will be boring, but I can’t let you leave. It was either that or a complete reset. You can spend your time however you want though. It would just be great if you could look after the apartment for a bit.”

Gerard bent down and opened a cabinet beneath the sink. The Bli clothes were wide and unflattering, but Ghoul still had the feeling that Gerard was trying to show off his ass. He didn’t have to bend down all that much.

“There’s cleaning agents down here. I have a cleaning bot, which does most of the work, but I tend to clutter, and it malfunctions when there’s stuff all over the place. It doesn’t have to be sparkling clean, but it would already be a huge help, if you could put away stuff that’s lying around.”

Ghoul frowned. Gerard’s place was the opposite of cluttered. It moreover felt surreal to him that he was actually asked to clean.

“You think you could do that?”

Ghoul shrugged. He didn’t intend to clean the apartment like Gerard’s fucking maid.

“The other main issue is food. I usually eat lunch at work and I make my own breakfast. You won’t have to get up with me in the morning. But it would be amazing if you could take care of dinner. I’m not a picky eater, so don’t stress, anything will be fine. The fridge is here. You can place your orders here, the food will be delivered.”

Gerard tapped on the screen on its outside before opening the refrigerator. It was a bright, shiny device and Ghoul could only stare as it swung open. It was stocked with enough food to feed a whole crew for a week. He spotted fresh vegetables, salad and bell peppers, and a box of actual, real strawberries. He wanted to either cry or scream. The sight made him so angry. All of this was being wasted on a single person and Gerard probably didn’t even appreciate it. He didn’t deserve all of this to himself and neither did Ghoul. Food like this was meant to be shared.

“Are you hungry?” Gerard asked. He had kept rambling on cheerfully so far, but something about Ghoul’s reaction seemed to make him insecure again. “I could make you something, if you want.”

Ghoul eyed the strawberries. He’d never actually tasted them as fruits before, only as a chemical flavour. His stomach felt queasy though and he couldn’t shake the fear of Gerard poisoning him. Maybe he’d only taken off the collar to lure him into a false sense of security and he actually wanted to drug him, to have his way with Ghoul’s unconscious body or to lock him up in some secret torture chamber.

“Nah,” he said.

Gerard shut the refrigerator again.

“Do you know how to cook?” he wanted to know.

Ghoul shrugged again. He made a pretty decent stew, but he’d hardly ever worked with any of the ingredients the City had to offer.

“I can roast ya a lizard if ya want,” he snapped, trying to forcefully remind Gerard where he came from. Gerard seemed to enjoy pretending they were friends, when really Ghoul had been captured like a stray, beaten and dropped off on Gerard’s doorstop without having any say in it.

Gerard frowned. “I don’t think they sell lizards around here. We could check some of the markets though, maybe I could get them there, if you want.”

Ghoul stared at Gerard. He was either fucking with Ghoul or he was so ignorant that not even Destroya could save him.

“’S fine,” Ghoul mumbled, because Gerard’s hopeful gaze was starting to make him uncomfortable. He looked weirdly eager to please and all of this was wrong somehow. He wished Jet was here. Jet was good at judging people. Maybe he’d be able to make sense of this city zany.

He stepped towards the sink to get away from Gerard, turning on the tap to watch in fascination. Running water was scarce in the desert, but here it clearly wasn’t rationed at all. He switched it off again, feeling bad to waste it anyway.

“You want me to cook now or what?” he asked insecurely, because he could still feel Gerard’s eyes on him as if he was expecting something from him.

“No, I’ll take care of that today. I thought …”

Ghoul had made a mistake by approaching the sink, because it had given Gerard the opportunity to sneak up on him from behind.

“I thought I could show you the bedroom first, yeah?” Gerard had lowered his voice and he placed a hand on Ghoul’s lower back, once again ignoring his personal space completely. Out in the Zones, Ghoul would have punched him in the face for it.

His touch was light and warm, but his hand was resting dangerously low. He wasn’t quite grabbing Ghoul’s ass, but the intention was clear anyway. His tone was flirty, too, making it sound like an invitation, even though Ghoul couldn’t decline.

Ghoul closed his eyes briefly.

He considered putting up a fight. Gerard didn’t seem like much of a fighter, he could probably knock him out. They were in the kitchen, there had to be knives around here somewhere. He might be able to take Gerard hostage and bargain for his freedom, but he didn’t have a gun and the four Dracs outside would overwhelm him easily. He would be punished, but it might keep Gerard off his back.

He wondered if it was worth it. Gerard seemed reasonably kind, he probably wouldn’t hurt Ghoul a lot. And under different circumstances, he could very well have been Ghoul’s type. Maybe he could pretend that this was his choice. If he gave Gerard what he wanted, it would buy him time.

He wondered what Jet would advise him to do. Jet would probably want to cut off Gerard’s hand if he saw him touching Ghoul right now. He would also tell him to survive by any means necessary and to find his way back to him.

“Kay,” Ghoul mumbled.

“Cool,” Gerard whispered and took Ghoul’s hand to pull him out of the kitchen and around the corner where a corridor led down to three doors.

Gerard pointed at the first door on the left. “That’s my personal stuff in there, don’t try to open that door. The bathroom is down there, maybe you want to take a shower later. I got this new shampoo the other day, that is supposed to smell like desert flowers, it will make you feel right at home.”

It was such a moronic thing to say that Ghoul couldn’t even bring himself to feel offended.

“We’ve got air conditioning, the smog outside is awful. Don’t open the windows. Especially in summer. I don’t want flies in my apartment.”

Ghoul didn’t reply, because there wasn’t anything to say to that, but Gerard didn’t seem to mind talking by himself anyway.

“And here’s the bedroom.” Gerard pushed open the door to their right, finally letting go of Ghoul’s hand. Ghoul had noticed that his skin felt very smooth. He didn’t have a single callus on his fingers.

Ghoul entered the room reluctantly. Like the rest of the apartment, it was very white and very sterile. There was a closet on the left wall and a large bed taking up most of the space. Ghoul had never slept in a bed like this before. He was used to sleeping in a bedroll on the floor, or on an old mattress if he was lucky. There had been a bed in the cell they had kept him in these past two weeks, but it had been small and uncomfortable. This bed however offered space for at least four people and it looked like a piece of heaven.

He really wanted to lie down, but at the same time, the bed made him feel sick. There was only one bedroom and the couches in the living room clearly weren’t designed for sleeping on them. When they had assigned Ghoul to Gerard’s household, Bli hadn’t even pretended he was meant as anything more than a sex toy. It was just taken for granted that he would share the bed with Gerard.

“I hope you’ll be comfortable here,” Gerard said and Ghoul managed not to flinch as he touched him again.

This time, he put his hands on Ghoul’s hips, leaning into him from behind. He wasn’t quite touching Ghoul’s back, but he could feel the warmth radiating off Gerard’s body. His chin brushed against Ghoul’s shoulder as he leaned down to whisper into his ear.

“You’re so pretty,” he murmured. He gave Ghoul’s hips a light squeeze. It made him feel hot and like he really wanted to escape his own body. “I’m so happy they assigned you to me. Are you happy, too?”

Ghoul fought down the growl in his throat. The question was insulting, but he knew what Gerard wanted to hear. He clearly didn’t want to be the bad guy, and that was better than the alternative, but Ghoul had never been a good liar.

He could have met a worse fate though. At least he still knew who he was, he still remembered his friends, he could find a way out of here. He could indulge Gerard for the sake of that.

“I’m happy,” he said quietly.

Gerard made him turn around and Ghoul expected to be thrown onto the bed, but instead Gerard reached up to touch Ghoul’s face gently before leaning in to press a kiss to his lips.

The kiss felt weird, because Ghoul didn’t move at all. He wasn’t going to fight, but he had his limits. He wouldn’t make it easy for Gerard to believe that he was actually enjoying this.

Gerard didn’t move either, though. His lips felt dry and soft and he just held them both in place.

Then he pulled back and Ghoul expected him to look irritated or even angry at his lack of participation, but instead Gerard beamed at him. His smile returned with full force, his teeth were on display and his eyes looked incredibly wide.

He didn’t let go of Ghoul’s face but leaned in for another kiss after briefly checking in with him, and he just repeated the whole process, pressing his lips firmly against Ghoul’s while neither of them moved. It was kind of unsettling.

“I’m so happy,” Gerard repeated as he pulled back, lowering his hands to Ghoul’s shoulders to steer him over to the bed.

Ghoul just let it happen, getting onto the mattress and moving to the centre of the bed as Gerard came after him. He remained sitting upright and was still wearing his motherfucking shoes, but Gerard didn’t seem to care.

He reached for the buttons of Ghoul’s shirt and started undoing them. His hands were trembling with excitement. Ghoul just watched. He wasn’t going to engage in any way that would encourage Gerard.

Gerard pushed off the shirt and Ghoul let it slide down his arms. They had given him a white undershirt to wear, so he wasn’t naked yet, but Gerard let out a small gasp at the sight of Ghoul’s arms anyway. He clearly hadn’t expected to see all this ink.

He took Ghoul’s wrist gently, lifting his arm, trailing the outlines of the grenade on his lower arm with his fingertip.

“It’s beautiful,” he whispered. “You’re a work of art.”

Against his will Ghoul felt himself flushing hot as Gerard moved upwards, looking at every image engraved on his skin. He wasn’t used to being looked at like this. Sex in the Zones was usually quick and dirty, because they were always on the run.

Gerard’s finger bumped against one of the many scars on Ghoul’s arm. Most of them were burn marks from small explosions that had gone off too soon, some of them were cuts, mostly created by flying shards of objects he had accidentally blown up.

Gerard started to map out his old injuries, running his fingers across Ghoul’s skin where it was bumpy and scarred. Then he lowered his head, placing a gentle kiss on one of the larger scars, right below his elbow.

Ghoul suppressed a shudder. He wasn’t sure why Gerard would do that. Maybe he had a kink or something. Maybe he got off on Ghoul’s damaged body. His own skin was probably fucking flawless and smooth like plastic.

Ghoul watched him so intently, he was caught off guard when Gerard looked up. His expression seemed to knock the air out of Ghoul’s lungs as if he was standing too close to a detonation.

His eyes were hazel, too, but in the harsh light from above they looked pale green and deep, as if Ghoul could see through them, all the way into Gerard. He looked like he was in pain, but not like he was asking for the pain to end. He looked as if he wanted to absorb all the pain Ghoul had felt to keep it locked inside where it could never harm anyone ever again.

“I’m sorry you were hurt,” he said softly.

Ghoul swallowed. His eyes were burning and he let himself fall back into the pillows. He had managed not to cry when Korse had dragged him here, he had barely cried during the interrogations. But those simple words nearly made him break down. No one had ever told him they were sorry for him. Bli did not care and out in the desert, everyone had their own grief to carry.

Gerard leaned over Ghoul. He still kept his distance though, their bodies barely touching. Ghoul stared up at the ceiling. Like everything else in Bat City, it was white. Gerard placed a gentle kiss on his cheek.

“Have you done this before?” he asked quietly.

Ghoul wasn’t sure what Gerard wanted to hear. He considered lying. Maybe Gerard wanted to be his first. There would be no harm in letting him think he was. It might make him more careful.

“Yeah,” he said instead.

Gerard let out a small whimpering sound. He moved his head to bury his nose in Ghoul’s hair, brushing his lips against the shell of his ear. It sent a small jolt through Ghoul’s body and he almost felt tempted to let himself fall into it. The bed underneath him was probably the softest surface he’d ever laid on and at least for now, no one was out to get him. It would be nice to experience it like this for once, without a rush, having someone pay attention to him and be tender, while they were both comfortable and safe. Gerard’s hand had wandered down to his hip, holding him gently.

“With a man?”

Ghoul swallowed. Gerard’s voice sounded pressing and urgent now. It made the alarm bells go off at the back of his head.

“Yeah.”

“How many?” Gerard turned breathless. “I bet you had a lot of guys already.” He kissed his neck, light and careful, almost chaste as if he didn’t want to scare him.

Ghoul didn’t reply.

“I bet you do it all the time out there in the Zones,” Gerard said, clearly getting worked up by the idea. It didn’t seem to bother him that Ghoul wasn’t replying. He seemed to have made up his mind already anyway. “You do it with each other all the time out there, don’t you?”

So, apparently, this was the fantasy: Gerard wanted a little desert slut. It probably felt forbidden and dirty to him. If Ghoul was any better at lying, he’d tell him exactly what he wanted to hear.

“It must be so dirty, all that sweat and sand and skin.” Gerard was moving downwards, groaning into the crook of Ghoul’s neck, his voice muffled. “Did you let them release inside of you, Ghoulie?”

Ghoul felt whiplashed. Gerard obviously didn’t expect an answer, he already knew what he wanted to believe. He liked to imagine Ghoul dripping with the cum of numerous guys, the truth wouldn’t change his mind. And yet he was using his name affectionately, as if they were actually close. Ghoul didn’t know what to make of it.

“I heard they have orgies in the desert. Is that true?”

Gerard moaned against his neck again as if the thought alone was getting him off already. Ghoul felt disgusted. He wondered if that was really what those city folks thought of them, that they were just wild animals, fucking each other like mindless bunnies in the desert heat.

Gerard sat up abruptly, catching his breath as if he’d realised that he was getting too worked up. His was flushed a healthy shade of pink.

He started unbuttoning his own shirt, looking down at his hands that were still trembling.

“I’ve never actually done it,” he said, almost rushing the words out. “Not with a person anyway. Just with porno droids. It’s not allowed.”

There was a moment of silence while Gerard kept fumbling with his buttons.

“What?” Ghoul asked, not sure if he’d heard correctly. His throat felt uncomfortably dry.

He’d known that Bli was limiting their citizen’s sexuality, but he also knew that people in Bat City were still having relationships. They were having kids after all and the Witch knew they had to come from somewhere.

“It’s because I’m not right,” Gerard said, still avoiding to look at Ghoul as he took off his shirt. Just like Ghoul, he was wearing a white undershirt. Ghoul looked at his body. He was skinny, and not in an especially muscular way either. No one who could afford a fridge that full should be this skinny.

“Relationships are allowed for reproduction purposes. But I’m not, you know, I don’t like … They let you choose the sex of the droid yourself. That’s good. They are not discriminating. There’s just no purpose to a relationship like ours.”

For the first time today, Gerard was stuttering. He didn’t usually struggle to find words.

“That ain’t right,” Ghoul said.

He’d known that it was harder for people who didn’t fit the norm inside Bat City, that was why many of them ran away while growing up, and why the desert was populated by freaks and outsiders. He hadn’t known about the reproduction rule though.

Gerard looked up again. He still seemed reluctant to meet Ghoul’s eyes. Ghoul realised that he had actually been trembling with nervousness this whole time. He had kissed him like he didn’t know how to do it.

“That’s why I applied to become a Supervisor. It’s a loophole. You can live with me. It’s alright now. We’re going to be happy. We’ll be happy.”

Ghoul exhaled shakily, trying to stay calm. Gerard looked at him like he was pleading with him, and although he was pitiful, his delusion was scary. It was impossible to predict how he would react if it was shattered.

“I’m no droid though,” Ghoul said slowly. If he managed to take advantage of Gerard’s insecurity, he would at least be able to control the situation. He could at least make sure that he wouldn’t get hurt. “Ya need to be more careful with me, yeah? Ya need to prep me and take it slow, yeah?”

Gerard nodded eagerly, before moving over to the bedside table so quickly that Ghoul flinched back, automatically trying to create more distance between them.

“I know. I got us this.” Gerard pulled something from the drawer and presented him with a bottle. Ghoul recognised the product. It was the good Bli lube, the kind that didn’t smell weird and was guaranteed not to give you a rash. It was still unopened. Out in the Zones, it would be worth a full crate of Power Pup.

Gerard grinned at him proudly, like a naughty child that had managed to pull off a successful prank. “Lubrication!”

He seemed to wait for a reaction, but Ghoul really didn’t know what to say, so he just nodded.

“Don’t worry, I’ll make this good for you,” Gerard promised, dropping the lube onto the bed and placing his hands back on Ghoul’s hips, a little firmer and more demanding this time, as if confessing his inexperience had made him less self-conscious already. “I always just wanted to do it with someone who would enjoy it, you know?”

The words were heart-breaking and Ghoul knew that he should let it slide. He knew that Jet would tell him to let it go at least. He could be gentle with Gerard, give him what he wanted, and Gerard would be gentle with him. They could have slow sex on a comfortable bed and Gerard would be happy and Ghoul would be safe. He wouldn’t even have to lie. He just had to keep his stupid mouth shut and allow Gerard to believe in the things he wanted to believe.

But Ghoul had opinions on Gerard’s fucking ignorance and Destroya himself wouldn’t be able to stop Fun Ghoul from voicing his opinions.

“I won’t,” he said.

Gerard frowned. He looked at Ghoul like he couldn’t make sense of his words. Ghoul wondered if he should have been clearer somehow. Words weren’t his strong suit.

“I won’t enjoy it,” he clarified.

Gerard sat back on his heels. Ghoul had to give him credit for immediately getting distance between them as soon as he realised that something was wrong.

“Did I forget something?” He looked at Ghoul almost helplessly. “I thought it would feel good for both of us. Am I doing something wrong?”

Ghoul’s mouth felt dry. Gerard seemed genuine and Ghoul knew that yelling at him would be a very bad idea. He sat up.

“Ya forgot ‘bout consent, is what ya forgot,” he growled, unable to keep his voice down entirely. “Course I ain’t gonna enjoy it if ya force me. Ain’t no different just cause you’re pretty as a doll.”

Gerard’s face fell. Ghoul could pinpoint the exact moment it happened. Gerard looked like he’d just witnessed someone getting dusted right in front of him.

“I didn’t. I would never. Force you?” He was stuttering again and Ghoul wondered if it was an act. It was easy to feel sorry for Gerard.

“Whaddaya call this then?” He gestured back and forth between them before crossing his arms in front of his chest.

“You told me you were happy to be here,” Gerard said weakly. He said it like he had believed him.

“Cause I don’t wanna die. You’re gonna send me back if I say no.” The thought of being back in his cell made him dig his fingers into his own ribcage. He didn’t want to be hurt again. He didn’t want to die. He wanted to go home.

Gerard looked down at himself as if to inspect his flat stomach and the outline of his ribs. Eventually, he looked back up at Ghoul.

“So you don’t like me?” he asked.

Ghoul wanted to stay mad at him, because it obviously wasn’t that simple, but Gerard’s voice was incredibly small, like he somehow believed this to be his fault. He sounded broken, like his worst fear had just come true.

Ghoul hesitated. “I don’t know you,” he said honestly. He didn’t know what to think of Gerard except that he seemed lonely and scared.

“But it’s …” Gerard broke off. “Relationships are arranged by Better Living Industries if people are compatible. They assigned you to me because we’re a match. We’re … I thought that meant you would like me.”

Ghoul shook his head, forcing himself to not raise his voice again. It was absolutely zany, but he realised that Gerard didn’t know any better. No one had taught him how love worked.

“How would they even know? They don’t know shit ‘bout me.”

Bli didn’t know how he’d grown up, what he liked or who his friends were. They didn’t even seem to know he was a joy. They had assigned him to Gerard, because he was the right age, the right sex and still had all of his limbs.

“You’re right.” Gerard’s shoulders slumped down and he stared at the mattress instead of looking at Ghoul. He seemed determined not to cry.

Ghoul felt almost tempted to hug him. It didn’t matter that Gerard was a Crow and an absolute madman at that. No one deserved to be this starved of intimacy.

“’S not you,” Ghoul said in a helpless attempt to comfort him. He knew that pity could be a trap, but his chest hurt while looking at Gerard hanging his head, his hair slicked back, his shoulders bony.

He was as beautiful as a coloured piece of glass in the sunlight and it seemed only natural that people would love and desire him, but instead Bli had taught him that affection was something that wasn’t meant for him. Out in the Zones, they didn’t have a lot. But it was only in Bat City that people would starve in front of an overflowing refrigerator. Ghoul wanted to set something on fire.

“I’m sorry,” Gerard said and when he looked up again, he seemed rather composed. “I didn’t mean to scare you. You don’t have to do anything you don’t want to do, I swear.”

He looked around the room, seemingly indecisive for a moment. “We’ll have to sleep together though. I can ask for another bed if it makes you uncomfortable. But it will look weird.” He bit his bottom lip but immediately let it go again. “They’ll expect us to have sex. I think it would be better to just, you know, let them believe that. I think it would be safer to share the bed. I’m not going to touch you though, I promise.”

Ghoul stared at the bed. There was enough space for two more people to join them. He was used to sleeping huddled up to a group of people anyway. He preferred it that way. Sleeping alone in his cell during the last weeks had felt very lonely.

“’S fine,” he mumbled. “I don’t mind sharing.”

He felt bad looking at Gerard directly. He hadn’t expected him to just give in. He knew that he should be relieved, but weirdly enough it felt like a let-down. He’d braced himself for the worst to happen and now he didn’t know what to do with all this tension.

He was also scared that Gerard was just being nice because he felt overwhelmed, but that he would want to exchange Ghoul for a more compliant model and that they’d take him back to the facility. The fact that he would lie for Ghoul made him suspicious. It was true that it was probably safer to let them believe they were having sex, because they might take Ghoul away again if they realised that he wasn’t being cooperative. But it didn’t make sense that Gerard would protect him. Ghoul couldn’t figure out how he would benefit from the situation, so there had to be a catch.

“We can still do it though,” he offered hesitantly. “’S okay. Just wanted ya to be honest ‘bout what’s happening. But it’s fine as long as ya don’t hurt me.”

He would be alright. He could trade his body for safety, it was nothing but a fair deal. In fact, it would make him feel better to not be dependent on Gerard’s mercy alone. It just seemed safer to offer him something in return.

But Gerard shook his head. He didn’t seem surprised by the suggestion, though. If anything, Gerard looked determined.

“I only ever wanted to be with someone who chooses me,” he said. “The droids, they’re programmed. I want to be with somebody.” He emphasised the last sentence urgently. “I’ll wait.”

“Wait?” Ghoul echoed. That didn’t sound quite like giving up.

“Yeah,” Gerard clarified and his voice sounded very stable. It made the alarm bells in Ghoul’s head ring out again. Gerard seemed lost and naïve, and more focused on himself than on the system. But he was still a Scarecrow, which meant he might be a lot more cunning than he appeared to be.

“I’ll wait until you’re in love with me.” He said it like it was the most obvious thing in the world. It almost sounded like a threat. He was looking straight at Ghoul. “We’ll have sex once you want it.”

Ghoul stared back. He didn’t know how to deal with any of this, but Gerard clearly wanted something from him and it wouldn’t be safe to withhold it forever, be it sex or love. Ghoul had to get out of here as soon as possible if he wanted to survive. He would make a plan. He would escape. And maybe he would kill Gerard in the process. He was important to Bli. It might make Ghoul a hero among the killjoys.

“Ya sound mighty confident that I will,” he observed, eyeing Gerard suspiciously to figure out if it was just naivety talking, or if he already had a plan to break Ghoul’s spirit.

Gerard grinned and for a brief second, Ghoul saw that spark flashing up behind his eyes again, the same spark he’d noticed before he’d kicked Korse out of the apartment. He’d thought there was something sly and calculating about it before, but now he realised that it was mischievous, too. Gerard looked challenging.

“Listen, you don’t know this about me yet, Ghoulie.” His smile turned razor sharp. “But you’ll find out soon enough. I happen to be charming as fuck.”

Chapter Text

When Ghoul woke, he had no idea what time it was. The blinds were drawn and it was almost completely dark in the room. The bed next to him was empty though, so Gerard must have left for work already.

He had handed Ghoul a blanket last night and kept his distance as promised. Although he hadn’t touched Ghoul, his warm presence and soft breathing next to him had been very calming. Ghoul had managed to fall asleep surprisingly quickly. The bed might have had something to do with that though. It was just so motherfucking comfortable.

He fumbled for the switch that operated the electric blinds. 

The room was flooded with sunlight. It had to be past noon already. Ghoul couldn’t believe that he had slept for so long. He had made himself completely vulnerable. Gerard could have murdered him in his sleep.

Admittedly, he still had to sleep off the interrogations and the recent stress of fearing for his life, but he hadn’t expected to just collapse like this.

He stretched himself and sat up in bed. Nothing hurt. He couldn’t recall ever sleeping on a surface that didn’t leave him feeling sore at least somewhere.

He felt almost guilty for having gotten so much actual rest. Out in the desert, joys were being hunted. Out in the desert, Jet was grieving him.

The pain in his chest hit him with full force. It seemed as if his body had needed to recharge, before the emotional pain could set in. Jet had to assume he was dead. He might turn reckless. Something could have happened to him in the meantime. Ghoul had to let him know that he was alright, he had to let him know that he was still himself.

His stomach rumbled. First, he needed to feed himself though. He needed to restore his energy and he needed to figure out what exactly he was dealing with.

He got out of bed and shuffled over to the window. He’d tried to get a good look yesterday already to determine which part of the city they were in. But Bat City kind of looked the same everywhere. All he could see were grey buildings and rooftops. Gerard’s apartment was so high up, that at least the other buildings didn’t block out what little sunlight made it through the dome. It was a luxury, just like the size of his apartment.

Ghoul went over to the closet and opened every door. The clothes he found were all identical, plain and white. He grabbed a set and changed out of the equally white pyjama Gerard had given him. They wore roughly the same size, even though Gerard’s clothes hung a little loose on Ghoul’s frame. It seemed ridiculous to order more of the exact same clothes in a slightly smaller size though.

He ran his fingers across the shelves and doors of the closet. All the separate parts seemed to be hooked together somehow, the surface was perfectly smooth. There were no screws he could pull out to use for a nail bomb.

He considered searching the closet for false bottoms and the like, but since Gerard had a whole separate room to store his secrets in, he wouldn’t need to hide things elsewhere. That was definitely the room Ghoul needed to check first.

He left the bedroom and went down the corridor, stopping in front of the door Gerard had told him not to open. He used the door handle, but unsurprisingly, the door was locked.

Ghoul bent down to inspect the lock. It looked pretty solid. It would take a small explosion to blast it open, or Jet’s picklock skills.

His stomach rumbled again. He figured that the best place to look for something to help him pick a lock was the kitchen anyway. There was a clock on the wall in the living room that told him he still had several hours until Gerard would come home.

The apartment was very quiet. The silence irritated Ghoul. He was used to being surrounded by people. Community was important to joys and living quarters in the Zones were crowded by default. Growing up, Ghoul had never had a room to himself.

The silence in his cell had nearly driven him insane too, but it had been mixed with pain and fear and there had been nowhere to go anyway. But now in Gerard’s apartment he could move around freely, making him all the more aware that it was really just him in this space. It made him feel lonely. He wondered if Gerard ever felt the same, or if he was used to it.

The drawers in the kitchen contained exactly what he had expected. The cutlery could be used to blow up the microwave and there were a couple of kitchen knives he could grab to defend himself, but usually, Ghoul tried to avoid close combat. He was a fierce fighter, but the fact that he was so short usually gave him a natural disadvantage.

Nothing looked like it could be used to pick a lock though.

In one of the cabinets, he found several packs of coffee and flour which could be used to set up a dust explosion, which wasn’t the most effective kind of explosion by any means, but at least it was something.

He also checked the ingredients of the cleaning agents Gerard kept under the sink, but sadly none of them contained any chlorine, so he put them away again.

Then he opened the refrigerator to find something to eat. After a moment of consideration, he picked up the box of strawberries. They were bigger than he had expected and bright red. He picked up the first one and sniffed it. It smelled fruity, but only faintly. Then he bit into it and his mouth was immediately filled with sweetness. The strawberry was cold and its juice made his lips sticky. It was absolutely delicious. He hadn’t known that fruits could be as sweet as candy.

He finished the rest of the strawberry, spitting out the green bit at its end, because it tasted like shit.

He kept the box in his hand as he shut the refrigerator and took it with him to search the living room.

There wasn’t a lot to search though. There were no cupboards to store anything, no pictures on the walls. In a way, the room resembled the cell they had kept Ghoul in before.

On the wall above the two couches hung a large, black TV screen. He got closer to see if it could be taken apart and used for parts, but Ghoul couldn’t quite figure out how to do it. They didn’t have shiny tech like this in the Zones. He pressed the power button and watched the screen flicker into life.

“The weather today is perfect as always in Bat City, so you can leave your jackets at home if you decide to go for an evening stroll after work,” a slick looking guy standing in front of a weather chart chimed. “Exercise is good for your health, just make sure to be back home before the curfew. The smog levels …”

Ghoul switched the TV off again. The moderator’s smile had been uncanny, too smooth and hollow somehow, like it was actually a mask one couldn’t take off.

Ghoul noticed that the wall panel beneath the TV protruded weirdly, so he pushed against it and it slid to the side easily. Behind it, another device had been hidden from view – a radio with large speakers. He couldn’t find any opening to plug in a cord or, Destroya help them, an actual CD. It clearly wasn’t designed for anyone to make their own music choices, so it had to receive the official Bli broadcast. That meant it definitely picked up radio waves and those were the first good fucking news since the end of the Analog Wars.

He'd have to find a transmitter first though, so he slid the panel shut again and ate another strawberry. The taste was addictive.

After a moment of hesitation, he approached the front door. He prayed to the Witch that the Dracs outside wouldn’t shoot him on sight, but when he tried to push the door open, it turned out to be locked anyway. He got onto his toes to peep through the spyhole, but it was hard to make out a lot of details. He only saw the opposing wall of the corridor and two Dracs at the corner of his vision. He assumed the other two had accompanied Gerard to work as his bodyguards.

He studied the lock. He would either need a keycard or a pretty solid detonation to open it.

Next to the door there was an intercom, which was good news again, because it had to have a microphone he would be able to use. He decided not to pick it apart just yet though. He needed to find out what else he was working with before he left traces he wouldn’t be able to hide from Gerard.

He picked up the last strawberry and looked down at the empty box in disappointment. He should have rationed them.

But then he remembered that he was in Bat City and that he could probably get strawberries whenever he wanted.

He returned to the kitchen and tapped the screen outside the refrigerator. It immediately lit up and showed him a list of most recently purchased products. Gerard bought a lot of vegetables and coffee and not much else, it seemed.

Ghoul spotted a picture of the strawberries in the recommended section and clicked it. All the products came with pictures, which was pretty helpful. When he was asked for the quantity, he changed the number from one to two. The number of carbons listed at the bottom of the page made him feel dizzy, but he figured that was Gerard’s problem.

He scrolled down the list until he found flour and added four more bags to his shopping list.

He wondered what else he might need. Just on the off chance of it actually working, he typed “gun” into the search bar, but was met with an error message telling him no matching results had been found. Apparently, they sold neither Rayguns nor gunpowder to regular citizens.

Instead, he tried “alcohol”, wondering if he would get any result at all. He knew that drinking was illegal in Bat City, but he figured that a fat rat like Gerard with his penthouse loft and his personal sex slave might have privileges in that regard. But another error message told him that he was trying to make a purchase against the laws of Battery City and he sighed, wondering if his search history would get Gerard in trouble. He was sure that Bli kept track of these error messages.

He considered searching for nitric acid just for the hell of it, but he doubted he’d have much luck, and besides, he wasn’t quite sure how to spell it anyway. Jet had taught him how to read and write, but Ghoul had always been the kind of student who got distracted easily.

So he just hit the check-out button and the smiling Bli logo told him that his order had been placed. He felt gleeful for having spent some of Gerard’s money.

He stared at the refrigerator for another moment, before it occurred to him to check the fridge compartment for ice packs. All he found was a pack of deep-frozen peas though.

He shut the fridge again and made his way to the bathroom to inspect the last room on his list.

The sheer size of the room had baffled him last night already. Not only did Gerard have a working shower, but he also had a separate bathtub on top of that. The towels stacked next to the sink were snow white and fluffy. He used an electric toothbrush. When Ghoul had brushed his teeth last night, the vibration in his mouth had made him giggle, in spite of everything that was currently happening.

He had hoped for more cleaning agents, but all he found in the cabinet behind the mirror was a collection of creams and face washes and none of them contained anything especially ignitable. There were some more products lined up by the side of the bathtub, so Ghoul got close to inspect them. It was just a variety of bath salts and soaps though and they were clearly useless, although he had to admit that they smelled really fucking fantastic.

For a moment, Ghoul eyed the bathtub. It was stupid, because he should look for a way to escape, he should look for a way to contact Jet. But he wouldn’t achieve anything today anyway. He had slept for so long that Gerard would be home relatively soon. And Ghoul had never taken a bath before.

He put the plug into the drain before he turned on the water, adjusting the temperature. It felt like Phoenix magic to him that the water came out warm and just stayed that way.

The tub filled only slowly while the water kept running. It made him realise just how much water was actually needed to run a single bath. It was decadent, it was obscene. Once again, he felt gleeful about wasting Gerard’s resources like this. As much as he hated Bat City, he didn’t want to miss the opportunity to experience this kind of luxury at least once in his life.

He stripped off his clothes, even though it made him feel vulnerable to undress. His body had mostly healed by now, but there were still faint bruises showing on his stomach that had turned from purple to yellow where he had been kicked in the gut over and over again. It might actually turn out to be useful though.

He checked the water temperature before turning off the tap. Then he poured some of the products that smelled the nicest into the tub. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to mix them, but he was pretty sure even he wouldn’t manage to blow up water.

Carefully, he lowered himself into the tub. He had misjudged how much water his body would displace and the tub nearly overflowed.

He let himself sink back until even his shoulders were covered by warm water. The tub was so big that he could stretch out his legs comfortably.

Everything smelled nice and it felt weird to be underwater. It felt like being wrapped in a warm and very wet cocoon. He felt his muscles relaxing, the tension fading from his shoulders. He had heard that baths were supposed to be relaxing, but he hadn’t expected the effect to be so immediate.

He started humming an old Mad Gear tune under his breath. He wished he could tell Jet about this – that he was taking an actual bath. He wouldn’t be able to believe his fucking ears.

He grabbed some of the liquid soap and squeezed a generous amount into his palm. Then he tried to rub it on his body, but it was impossible under the water, since it was washed right off. He huffed, moving to see if he could capture the soap. As he stirred, it started to foam, forming white bubbles on the surface of the water.

Ghoul stared at the foam that looked like snow but smelled like flowers.

He grabbed another bottle of soap and squeezed it straight into the water. This one smelled of coconut and lime. And swirled his arms, giggling as more foam formed on the surface.

He loved that shit. It was what he loved about bombs, too – mixing different ingredients, seeing them react with each other to create something new, something loud and spectacular and magical.

He definitely had to tell Jet about the foam. He was starting to feel a little more hopeful about seeing him again one day. After all, Gerard had a radio.

He leaned back again, closing his eyes for a while. Feeling this relaxed automatically filled him with guilt, too. He was a prisoner. His friends thought he was dead. He shouldn’t enjoy himself. He shouldn’t be taking baths and eating strawberries. Settling into a new life just because it was comfortable was exactly what Bli wanted him to do.

He thought about the intercom. The electric blinds also operated wireless, maybe he could take them apart. He wished he was better with technology. If they needed tech, they usually made deals with other crews. Jet was good with his hands, lock picking, stitching up wounds, extracting bullets. He was a real fucking surgeon and everyone in the Zones knew that if Jet couldn’t safe you, it was because the Witch had already taken your hand. The two of them had always worked together like that, Jet was the one who fixed people and Ghoul was the one who destroyed things, black and white. Without Jet, he felt incomplete.

He lowered himself further into the water to tune out the negative thoughts. Water splashed over the side of the tub in a large wave. It made him feel powerful, like he was controlling the entire ocean.

He knew that he should get out of the water soon, though. His skin was starting to feel soft and weird, especially at his fingertips. When he checked, it looked all shrivelled. He figured that he could just take another bath tomorrow when Gerard was at work again. He would have to stay for another couple of days at least. With the right tools, he could get out of the apartment and defeat the Dracs, but he had no idea where to go from there. He wasn’t good at planning ahead, especially not by himself.

He got out of the tub, feeling bad as he pulled the plug to let the water disappear down the drain. In the Zones, people would have taken turns for sure. He even considered leaving it in case Gerard wanted to take a bath later on, but the water would be cool by the time he got home.

He grabbed one of the fluffy towels to dry himself, using it to wipe the floor afterwards. It almost felt like a crime to misuse something this soft and flawless to clean the floor.

Then he put his clothes back on and returned to the kitchen. He still had time until Gerard came home, but the only thing he really knew how to make without a recipe was stew, which had to simmer for a while. He didn’t want to experiment and fuck up dinner on his first day already.

Originally, he hadn’t intended to do any of the housework Gerard had asked him to do, but he figured since he wasn’t having sex with him, he should at least do something to prove himself useful. Plus, he didn’t really mind cooking, after all, it was a lot about tossing different ingredients together and hoping they wouldn’t blow up in your face. Out in the desert, it was normal to split tasks, there was no room for false pride. If you were on cooking duty, you cooked the damned dinner. And Gerard was out at work, so having food ready when he came home was the least Ghoul could do.

So he started chopping vegetables and peeling potatoes. He was pretty sure that they would end up with far too much stew, but he wasn’t used to cooking for two people only. When it was just him and Jet, they were usually on a mission, living off canned Power Pup or whatever else was available. When he cooked, it was usually for a whole crew.

He started humming under his breath again. The apartment was too quiet, you could hear the footsteps of your own shadow creeping up on you. He wished he would be able to play music. Maybe he should try turning on the radio, but it was probably just playing corporate soft pop interrupted by endless commercials for Bli products. He didn’t need that shit.

He put the biggest pot he could find on the stove and let the stew simmer. The pot looked so sparkling clean, it had probably never been used before.

He looked for more snacks and ate some crackers with hummus and avocado crème. They actually had avocados in the desert. There had been a big plantation before the war. The guacamole Jet made tasted a lot better than this stuff though. It barely had any flavour, as if someone had forgotten to add spices.

Ghoul checked on his stew, pacing the kitchen and setting the table. He wasn’t good at keeping still. His fingers were itching to take the intercom apart, but Gerard would be home soon.

He wondered about Gerard. Ghoul still couldn’t figure him out. He knew that the people in Bat City were not the enemy, the system was. But the regular citizens were victims, drugged by Bli to live their bland, conforming lives without questioning anything. Gerard on the other hand was a Scarecrow, one of the people who actively supported the system, even though he seemed pretty clueless about a lot of stuff. Ghoul would have to find out more about the things Gerard actually knew. Maybe he could bring back important information to the Zones.

Eventually, the front door was unlocked. Ghoul checked the time. It was a few minutes to 6:00 pm.

“Honey, I’m home!” Gerard announced loudly, his voice cheerful again and weirdly shallow. He sounded like a person who didn’t have a care in the world.

Ghoul didn’t reply.

“Ghoulie?” Gerard’s voice dropped. He didn’t sound panicked yet, but slightly worried. Maybe he feared that Ghoul had already escaped.

“Here,” Ghoul answered and stepped into view.

Gerard looked the same as yesterday: white Bli clothes and his hair gelled back. Ghoul had nearly forgotten how pretty he actually was. He broke into a relieved smile when he spotted Ghoul.

“How was your day?” Gerard took off his shoes. Ghoul noticed that he wasn’t carrying a bag, which meant he had to leave his work at the office.

Ghoul shrugged. “I slept late,” he said vaguely.

Gerard nodded. “You must be exhausted. You should rest.”

There was an awkward pause and Ghoul figured that he should be more social and welcoming. He should give Gerard a reason to want him around that wasn’t sex.

“Dinner’s almost ready,” he said and pointed back to the kitchen. “I made stew. Hope ‘s alright.”

“Oh.” Gerard’s smile turned a little insecure, like an earthquake was threatening to shake it off his face. “I didn’t … I didn’t really think you’d make dinner, if I’m honest.”

Ghoul frowned at him. “Ya told me to,” he reminded him.

“Yeah, I just … thank you.” Gerard looked down at the floor in front of Ghoul’s feet.

“I should check on it, ‘s gonna go starless night on me if I don’t stir.”

Gerard stared at him. “It’s gonna go what now?” he asked.

Ghoul chewed on the small scar on his lip where his lip ring had been ripped out years ago. “It’s gonna burn,” he explained.

Gerard nodded and he looked weirdly embarrassed, although the miscommunication was clearly Ghoul’s fault for not knowing how to talk city proper.

He turned around to return to the kitchen and check on his stew. It looked pretty good. He had added various spices he’d found on one of the shelves and hoped he hadn’t gone overboard.

“Oh, fuck, this smells good.” Gerard had followed him into the kitchen, leaning past Ghoul to peek into the pot. He sniffed, standing closer than was comfortable. “You smell good, too,” he observed.

Ghoul’s face felt very hot. For a second, he regretted bathing.

“I took a bath,” he said sharply.

Gerard took a step back. Ghoul couldn’t tell why his presence made him so uncomfortable. It wasn’t unpleasant to feel the warmth of his body. But he was scared by his own desire to lean back into it. That was why he had enjoyed the bath so much, too: it had felt almost like someone was hugging him. He couldn’t recall the last time he’d gone an entire week without physical touch.

“For fun?” Gerard assured, sounding somewhat baffled.

Ghoul opened a cabinet to get out bowls. He already knew his way around the kitchen.

“Yeah. ‘S nice,” he said.

“So you just sit there? I always get fucking bored in the bathtub. I need someone to pay attention to me.”

Ghoul threw a quick glance at Gerard before pouring the first ladle of stew into one of the bowls. Gerard kept hovering behind him as if he really did need the attention.

“I wouldn’t mind taking a bath with you though,” Gerard added. “I would never get bored just looking at you, beautiful.”

Ghoul gritted his teeth. He hated the feelings Gerard’s words caused him. He wasn’t used to being flirted with and it made him feel flustered, but at the same time it felt as if he was being made fun of, like he was a cat’s prey and was being toyed with before he would get eaten.

“I told ya not to fucking flirt with me,” he growled.

Gerard chuckled. “I’ll try to control myself. Anything else you did today?”

His tone was casual, as if he just wanted to make conversation, but Ghoul couldn’t help but feel like he was being monitored.

“I ate all of your strawberries,” he said and started filling the second bowl with soup. “And then I ordered more.”

He glanced up. His tone had been provoking on purpose and he wondered if Gerard would take the bait. A part of him wanted to be scolded for wasting good food on himself.

“That’s fine. You can order whatever you want. I’m glad you enjoyed them.”

Ghoul glared at him. “They cost a joy’s liver,” he pointed out.

Gerard frowned at the expression, but didn’t ask for an explanation this time. “Money’s not an issue,” he said. “They pay me well and I never know what to do with it anyway. It’s all yours.”

Ghoul wanted to tell him off for flirting again, but when he looked up, Gerard’s expression was hard to read. He looked almost sad.

He took the two bowls, but Gerard reached out at the same time, putting his hand on Ghoul’s wrist to stop him.

“Let me help,” he offered, but Ghoul had already flinched back violently, setting the bowls back down on the counter too hard.

Gerard’s touch had been light and gentle, but it had felt too much like he’d been trying to grab his wrists to pin them down and Ghoul had instinctively braced himself for a fight, spinning around and bringing up his arms in defence.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Gerard said immediately, raising his hands with open palms as if he wanted to prove he wasn’t armed. “I’m sorry, Ghoul, that was my bad.”

He kept his arms raised and his head slightly lowered, staring at Ghoul’s shoulder and avoiding direct eye contact. He reminded Ghoul of someone dealing with a wild animal.

“I know I promised not to touch you. I won’t do it again.”

Ghoul shook his head with a small frown. Gerard was clearly a physical person who stepped into Ghoul’s personal space constantly, so he knew the touch hadn’t been meant as anything other than a friendly gesture. Gerard’s reaction irritated him, because he seemed to take physical touch way too seriously now that he had decided not to harass Ghoul. It made no sense that he didn’t seem to consider his flirting harassment though.

“’S okay,” Ghoul mumbled. “Ya just startled me.”

“It’s not okay,” Gerard disagreed. “I told you I wouldn’t.”

He finally lowered his hands again and looked somewhat lost. He also looked sad again.

“I don’t mind, honest,” Ghoul said and hesitated, but then he placed his hand on Gerard’s shoulder and rubbed it briefly to prove that he didn’t have a problem with touch itself. He wasn’t quite sure why it was important to him to clarify, because logically speaking, he should be relieved if Gerard kept his distance. But he was usually physically affectionate, too, and he missed the little touches of another person. All he had at the moment was Gerard and Gerard seemed even more desperate for the contact than him. Maybe they could make due with each other for a while.

Gerard let out a small hum and swayed to the side as if to lean into Ghoul’s touch. Ghoul let his hand rest on his shoulder for another moment before he pulled back.

“I’m just excited you’re here,” Gerard said sheepishly.

It was easy to tell that he actually meant it. If he hadn’t known that Gerard was dangerous, it might have been endearing.

Gerard reached out for his bowl again.

“Careful, ‘s hot,” Ghoul warned.

“I think I can handle … ouch.” Gerard flinched back after touching the bowl, staring at his fingers as if they had somehow betrayed him.

Ghoul chuckled. “Careful, city skin.”

He picked up the two hot bowls and carried them over to the dining area. Gerard trailed after him.

“This is nice,” he muttered as he sat down, watching as Ghoul pulled up the chair opposite him. He was smiling almost shyly, but Ghoul still had the feeling that he was waiting for him to start eating first to make sure the meal wasn’t poisoned. Ghoul would have done the same, but he wouldn’t have tried to hide it.

He tried his first spoonful, hoping that he hadn’t fucked up with the spices, but he was actually quite pleased with the result.

Gerard blew on his stew before trying it, his eyes widening as he chewed. Ghoul could see them tearing up as he reached for the water on the table, taking a few greedy gulps.

“It’s, uh, good,” he said and smiled at Ghoul.

“It ain’t too spicy?” Ghoul asked and continued to eat to hide his grin.

“No, not at all. It’s great. Just the, uh, right amount of spice.” Gerard hesitantly picked up another spoonful.

“Ya sure?” Ghoul teased, watching as Gerard chewed. He was starting to look pretty red in the face. “Cause it looks like it might be too spicy for ya.”

“It’s fine.” Gerard sniffled, but he kept eating anyway. He seemed to be a stubborn motherfucker.

“Good. So Imma keep making it like this,” Ghoul said calmly.

Gerard lowered his spoon.

“Oh, fuck you, Ghoul,” he said and it actually made Ghoul laugh. Gerard grinned back, almost hesitantly as if he didn’t want to ruin the moment of Ghoul actually opening up around him.

“Ya can add some water. Yogurt’s good too,” he advised.

Gerard shook his head and picked up the paper napkin Ghoul had found in one of the kitchen drawers to wipe his nose. “I’ll live. Just please go easy on me next time.”

“Alright, city boy.” Ghoul grinned and continued eating in silence. The atmosphere felt a little less tense and awkward already and he figured that if he wanted to get some information out of Gerard, now would be the time for it.

“So how was work?” he asked. The question sounded innocent enough. It felt like something one might ask their partner at the end of the day, and apparently Gerard wanted to play match, sharing the bed, having dinner together and whatnot. “Whaddaya do exactly? Propaganda, yeah? Ya present the news?”

“Yeah,” Gerard confirmed. “I'm the Head of Propaganda. I make the news.”

His reply was uncannily short and Ghoul wondered if he wanted to avoid supplying him with information on purpose or if he just didn’t like talking about work.

“So ya read ‘em out, or what?” he asked, trying to sound interested but not overly curious.

Gerard seemed to relax just slightly.

“Yeah, mostly. But they let me write my own announcements, too. I have to check in with Korse, but they give me a lot of freedom. I’m not just reading out the news.” He sounded proud, almost vain and cocky. Ghoul couldn’t help feeling like he was talking to a child who felt grown up already because he was able to tie his own shoelaces.

“Korse’s your superior?” he asked.

He knew that he’d sounded too inquiring when Gerard lowered his spoon. His eyes weren’t just pretty, they were also very attentive.

“We have the same rank,” he said. “But I’m his responsibility.”

Ghoul didn’t know how to interpret that statement.

“So what’s your relationship with him?” He thought of the fact that Korse owned a keycard to the apartment and the pet names Gerard used for him. Gerard generally seemed to like the use of pet names though.

“He’s my …” Gerard paused for a moment, pointing his spoon at Ghoul as if he could somehow pin down the correct word that way. “… my mentor, you could say. He found me and made me who I am. I was just a 15-year-old hanging out at the wrong side of the tracks back then.”

“You became a Scarecrow at 15,” Ghoul observed.

Gerard flashed him a grin. “Youngest Scarecrow in fucking history,” he confirmed. “I was prettier than the rest.”

Ghoul ran his tongue across the scar on his lip. He couldn’t tell if Gerard was making fun of him or if he meant his words. There were more urgent questions on his mind, though.

“Why ain’t I taking the pills?” he asked.

Gerard sighed. He was clearly getting fed up with Ghoul’s questions, but he seemed annoyed rather than angry.

“Well, I don’t take them, because I need to stay sharp for work. And the pills make me ditzy.” He gestured next to his head as if Ghoul was supposed to see the static right next to it. He doubted that ditzy was the right word though. “And you don’t take them, because people who take them are really fucking boring and I want someone to talk to. Someone who is able to talk back.”

Ghoul nodded slowly. It made sense. Gerard wanted to connect to someone, that was what he was looking for in sex as well. Ghoul just didn’t understand why Bli was letting him get away with it.

“And they let ya make that decision yourself, yeah?”

“I’m good at my job.” Gerard smirked. “Is that so hard to believe?”

Ghoul shrugged. It did seem hard to believe that his job would be important enough to matter. Anyone with a pretty face could spit out Bli propaganda.

“Are you going to tell me something about yourself now, too?” Gerard asked.

Ghoul avoided looking at him. Maybe this was what it was all about. Maybe they were feeding him and setting him up with this shiny city boy to make him spill his secrets. They might be trying to trick him into giving away the location of his friends because they had realised that he wasn’t going to break under the pain.

“Just something,” Gerard added softly as if he’d understood what Ghoul was worried about.

Ghoul tried to think of something he could share safely. Maybe Gerard really just wanted a sign of goodwill.

“Favourite colour’s green,” he said.

“Oh!” Gerard’s eyes lit up immediately. When he looked happy, he seemed to be glowing. Ghoul sensed something warm in the pit of his stomach. “Green is awesome. The colour of life and all that. But also the colour of decay. A very contradictory colour. How come it’s your favourite?”

Ghoul shrugged, suddenly uncomfortable. Gerard seemed to have words for fucking everything and it made him grow self-conscious, because he rarely bothered putting names to things to begin with.

“I just like it, y’know?” he mumbled.

Gerard nodded very seriously as if that explanation made perfect sense to him.

“Favourite animal?” he asked. “Mine’s the cheetah. Fastest motherfucker out there. They can’t roar for shit, so people might think they are harmless. But you can’t outrun a fucking cheetah. It’s going to get you.”

He smiled and it looked cheekier now, not aggressively happy but like he was asking Ghoul to prove him wrong. He was looking at him expectedly.

“Gecko,” Ghoul said hesitantly. “Cause they taste good?”

Gerard giggled; it sounded breathless and almost hysteric. “You’re cute,” he said. It didn’t sound like he was flirting, but like a thing that had only just occurred to him.

He dropped his spoon into his bowl and pushed it away. Ghoul frowned at the leftovers. There was still plenty of stew left in the kitchen.

“Ya should add water,” he said. “Or I could make ya something else, if ya really don’t like it.”

“No, no.” Gerard placed his hand on his stomach. He talked with his hands a lot, as if talking with his mouth wasn’t enough already. “I’m just full.”

“Ya didn’t even finish.” Ghoul tried not to feel hurt. He had really been trying to do the nice thing here.

Gerard looked at the table. He usually stared straight at Ghoul, so it was always weird when he avoided eye contact.

“I have to watch my diet, Ghoulie,” he said softly.

“You’re too skinny.” Ghoul reached across the table to push the bowl back at Gerard. He was already done with his portion, since he ate faster than Gerard. In the Zones, everything had to happen faster. “Fat rat like you shouldn’t be that skinny. Ya got all that stuff in your fridge and ya don’t eat. If there’s food, ya gotta eat. Ya take it for granted now, but someday, there ain’t gonna be food ‘round and ya gonna be so skinny, everyone will see the Witch standing right behind ya. ‘S ain’t healthy.”

It was probably the most he had spoken in one go since they had captured him, but he was upset. He didn’t understand how anyone could look at Gerard without worrying.

Gerard smiled down at his bowl, but he didn’t pick his spoon back up.

“I have to stay pretty,” he said, sounding like he was trying to apologise to Ghoul. “That’s my job.”

“’S the fucking problem with ya city folks. Ya always think there’s only one way for everything. One way to be pretty, one way to be right. It ain’t like that. You’re pretty. You eat. You’re also pretty. Just finish the damn bowl before I smack ya.”

Gerard laughed, but there was a weird hiccup sound in his voice that made it sound like he might as well be crying. Ghoul wondered if he had crossed a line.

“You really care, don’t you?” Gerard pulled the bowl towards himself again and Ghoul watched him continuing to eat. “About food?”

“’S important out there,” Ghoul mumbled. “’S important when ya don’t have it.”

“What’s your favourite?” Gerard asked. He spoke while chewing. Ghoul had never seen anyone from the city do that before. He swore a lot for someone from the city, too.

“Bread,” he said.

“Bread?” Gerard repeated incredulously.

“Yeah, like fresh bread. Just water, flour, yeast, salt ‘n sugar. Y’all sit together and roast it over the fire ‘n eat it right there. Best thing in the world, nothing like it.”

Ghoul smiled at the thought.

“I get it.” Gerard pushed his bowl away again. There was still some stew left in it, but he had eaten the majority of it, so Ghoul was going to let it slide. “Anyway, thanks for feeding me.”

Ghoul brushed a strand of hair from his face. “Ya should freeze the rest, so it won’t go bad.”

“I’ll do it,” Gerard assured him and moved to get up.

“Imma go,” Ghoul said, even though Gerard waved for him to stay put.

“You cooked, I’ll clean, it’s only fair.”

Ghoul got up anyway, letting out a hiss and grabbing for the table as he stood.

Gerard rushed to his side immediately.

“Are you alright, Ghoulie? Are you hurt?”

“Nah, ‘s almost healed.” Ghoul hesitated, then he pulled up his shirt, exposing his stomach and the ink right above the waistband of his pants where the skin was still discoloured by fading bruises.

Gerard’s cheeks turned somewhat pink. “Shit,” he whispered.

Ghoul dropped his shirt once he was sure that Gerard had gotten a good look.

“’S not too bad, but it hurts when I move. I checked your fridge for ice packs, but ya don’t have any. Those might help.”

“Yeah, sure, absolutely.” Gerard had finally gathered himself enough to look back at Ghoul’s face. “I’ll get you some tomorrow, no problem.”

“Thanks.”

Ghoul reached for the bowls, but froze when a loud chime rang through the room.

“Fucking hell,” Gerard groaned and picked up the bowls himself. “Come on, let’s clean the kitchen.”

“Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, this is your favourite TV host Gerard Way with a public service announcement.”

Ghoul turned towards the TV screen that had just switched itself on. It showed Gerard the same way he looked now, dressed in white, hair slicked back, but he was beaming at the audience as if he was absolutely delighted to be seen by them. Other than the weatherman from earlier today, he managed to make his smile look absolutely genuine.

“Come on,” Gerard urged. “I can’t turn it off or lower the volume. The announcements are fucking mandatory. But I don’t want to watch that shit.”

“Ya scared they shot a bad angle?” Ghoul teased, but Gerard’s squirming made him curious. He very obviously avoided looking at the screen.

“It’s all just bullshit,” Gerard muttered and tried to step away, but Ghoul grabbed his arm, holding him back.

“I wanna see what ya do for work, come on,” he said. He knew that the news Bli fed its citizens were absolute bullshit, but he was still curious to see what bullshit exactly they were trying to sell. Jet would also tell him that it was important to know the enemy.

“Unfortunately, I have some bad news to share with you about the terrorist group known as the Killjoys,” Gerard said on the TV.

Ghoul let go off his arm. His stomach seemed to drop. He thought of his friends. He pictured every single one of them dead.

“On the night of Tuesday to Wednesday, a group of armed killjoys entered Battery City. So far, they have been known to target Better Living facilities, but on said night, they have raided the house of a family on 4 th street, presumably to take the residents hostage. The fourteen-year-old Alexander Brown was shot with a Raygun and succumbed to his wounds before the authorities arrived at the scene.”

“No, that’s not …” Ghoul bared his teeth. “That’s a lie. We would … I mean, the killjoys would never.”

He stared at the screen. It made no sense. They would never target a private household and they would never shoot an innocent bystander. They would never shoot a child.

“They didn’t do that.” He was raising his voice although he knew it was pointless. But it just didn’t make sense, they had to be missing context. “Why would ya say that?” He turned to Gerard, glaring at him. “Why would ya fucking say that, huh?”

Gerard just shook his head.

“So far, the terrorist group has not been arrested. They are still on the loose and armed. We advise citizens to stay inside and keep their doors locked. Better Living Industries has issued the official advice for every household in Battery City to enhance their private security system. According to the new regulations, every household using a security system older than one year will be considered to be at high risk.”

Ghoul was starting to feel sick.

“So here is some personal advice from me to you. B.C. Security has just released their newest home security system, which is just what you need to keep your home and your family safe. So go and buy one now, they’re on sale for the rest of the week. 890 carbons, plus instalment fees – because you can’t put a price on the safety of your loved ones.”

“Ya gotta be fucking kidding me,” Ghoul mumbled.

“I’m surprised they let me keep the last line,” Gerard said. He sounded dry rather than smug. “My work as a comedian is severely underrated.”

Ghoul turned to glare at him. Gerard had set the bowls back down on the dining table as if he wanted to make sure he had his hands free for whatever was about to happen next.

“Ya scare the people so they buy your shit.” Just like every other company in Bat City, B.C. Security was a subsidiary of Better Living Industries.

“Late-stage capitalism, baby,” Gerard said and shrugged. He looked tired.

“How can ya just do that?” Ghoul gestured back at the TV that had switched itself off again. “’S not right to do that.” He knew that he should keep his head down while he was stuck here, but he just couldn’t keep his thoughts to himself.

Gerard’s face stayed blank.

“They didn’t kill that kid. I know they didn’t.” Ghoul kept repeating the words, because he needed to believe them to be true. Maybe something had gone wrong. Maybe it had been an accident. There had to be an explanation. “Ya have to believe me, Gerard.”

He looked at Gerard pleadingly, feeling that if only he could convince Gerard that this wasn’t what the killjoys were, things would somehow be alright.

“I swear they didn’t kill him.”

Gerard sucked on his teeth and turned his head away abruptly.

“I know that, Ghoul. I make the fucking news.”

Ghoul felt like he’d been kicked in the ribs. His helplessness turned into something else. He’d always had a short fuse.

“Then how can ya lie?” he yelled, close to grabbing one of the bowls and chucking it at Gerard. “Ya should tell the fucking truth. People deserve the truth.”

Gerard whipped his head around again, staring Ghoul down.

“You wanna know what happened?” he snarled. “You want to know what happened to that poor kid? To Alex? You want the truth? Because I can assure you, honey, you’re not gonna like it.”

Ghoul stared right back. “Tell me,” he demanded.

“He tried to run away, to the Zones. Got shot in the back by a Drac three times while the city was still in fucking sight.”

Ghoul swallowed. He wanted to feel angry at Gerard for knowing better and still spreading lies. He wanted to feel satisfied for being right and validated in his hatred for Bli. But all he could think about was a fourteen-year-old getting shot in the back three times for wanting to be free.

“The kid’s father was grieving, so out of his mind that they had to increase the daily dosage of his pills to keep him stable. But it messed with his head. Made him ditzy.”

Ghoul had no idea why Gerard kept talking.

“So he made a mistake at work. Typed a wrong number into the production algorithm. And the droids? Produced ten times as many products as the demand would warrant. Now Bli is sitting on all these products they can’t sell, causing them a financial loss of several hundred thousand carbons.”

Ghoul hadn’t known the pills could cause damage like that. He’d thought Bli had everything under control, at least that was how they presented themselves to the outside. But that was probably the point. Even the people who made it out of the city knew nothing but the stories they were told.

“So that money now gets axed somewhere else, and next thing you know, a kid in Zone 3 has to go without a meal for two days.”

Gerard glared at him and it was the first time that Ghoul saw him angry. His anger was very different from Ghoul’s, calm and controlled, but not at all harmless.

“So don’t you fucking tell me what’s the right thing to do here, because there’s always a bigger picture.”

Ghoul lowered his gaze. Gerard was right, he didn’t understand how any of this worked, and more importantly, he didn’t know what Gerard actually believed in. Just because he was friendly to Ghoul didn’t mean he was one of the good guys. He should have stuck to observing instead of arguing.

“What’s that got to do with anything?” he mumbled defensively.

“You really don’t get it, do you?” Gerard scoffed, but the anger in his voice had already turned back into exhaustion. “The kid’s dad? The guy who fucked up? He works for B.C. Security.”

Chapter Text

The knock on the door startled Ghoul.

He threw a glance at the intercom, which was currently out of service. He wondered if they had tried to ring the doorbell first and how soon it would be noticed that it was broken.

He got up from where he was sitting on the living room floor in front of the radio, spare parts strewn all around him.

He tiptoed over to the door, feeling cold and scared. Maybe Gerard had told on him. Maybe he had gotten fed up with Ghoul’s resistance and he had ordered to have him picked up again. They would drag him back to the facility, lock him in a cell, hurt him and deprogram him; or kill him and throw out his body like trash.

He tried not to make a noise as he leaned against the door, peeking through the spyhole.

On the other side of the door a Drac just moved to knock again. He was holding up a white bag with the Bli logo on it for Frank to see. Apparently, his groceries had been delivered.

Ghoul tried to open the door, but of course it was still locked.

“Door’s fucking locked, ya moron!” he yelled and banged against the door. “I can’t open it!”

He waited to see if maybe the Dracs actually had keycards to open the door to let themselves in, but after another moment, the Drac just turned away. Wistfully, Ghoul thought of the strawberries that had to be in the bag. He’d made himself a sandwich for breakfast this morning, with lettuce and tomatoes and all that fancy stuff. It had tasted amazing, even though the bread itself had been pretty bland. He missed the taste of strawberries already though.

Maybe he could convince Gerard to give him a keycard under the guise of accepting grocery deliveries. He seemed green enough to buy into it. He’d moved past their argument last night astonishingly quickly, too. They had cleaned the dishes together in the kitchen afterwards  and Gerard had started chatting about this girl at work who had gotten the wrong foundation that made his skin look too shiny on camera or something, like that was genuinely the most distressing thing that had happened to him all day. Ghoul hadn’t spoken much at all.

He got back to sitting down on the floor, picking up a transistor he couldn’t connect properly.

Gerard’s alarm had woken him this morning, but he had stayed in bed, pretending to still be asleep while Gerard got ready for work. As soon as the front door had fallen shut behind him, he had gotten up to not waste any time.

Gerard’s alarm had given him an idea, since the clock was radio-controlled. He’d taken it apart with a kitchen knife before prying the intercom off the wall. It had taken him almost an hour to get it down and nearly twice as long to put the empty shell back up in a way that covered up his act of vandalism. Now his nails were chipped and he had small cuts all over his fingertips. He’d cried with frustration exactly once and now he was close to tears again.

This wasn’t going to work. He could try taking apart some of the kitchen devices for some copper wire, but he doubted there would be enough of it and those things were nasty to pry apart if he had to use his bare hands. Gerard didn’t own as much as a basic screwdriver. Inside Battery City nothing was ever fixed. People were encouraged to purchase something new all the time to keep the economy afloat.

He stared down at the mess he’d made. He would have to figure out what exactly he needed and which devices might contain it and then he had to convince Gerard to get them for him somehow and all of that might take days if not weeks. And even then, he didn’t know if he would actually be able to radio Jet. The signal would probably be too weak to reach him. Jet had no reason to be anywhere near the city.

His only other option was to make it out of here alone. He might be able to set off a detonation to bust open the door and kill the Dracs outside while Gerard was at work. But it would certainly set off an alarm and they would come looking for him, maybe even lock down the building before he could get out. And even if he did manage to get out, he wouldn’t know where to turn. He’d heard rumours about secret gangways in the sewers of the city, but he had no idea if that was even true.

He stared at the pieces in front of him, his vision turning blurry with tears. He felt young. He hadn’t felt this young in years, not since Jet’s family had been ghosted. He wished someone would come and rescue him. His head hurt from all the thinking.

Out in the Zones he’d usually be scared and tense, knowing they could clap with some Dracs or an Exterminator any time. But he’d never felt this alone with his fear.

He wiped his eyes with the back of his hand when a noise by the door made him sit up straight.

He checked the clock on the wall, but it was only just past 4 pm, Gerard shouldn’t be home for at least another hour.

But then the door swung open and Ghoul knew that he should try to hide everything he’d been working on, but the living room was just too empty and there was nowhere to put it.

“Hi, baby, I’m home early!” Gerard called out as he slammed the door shut. He was holding the bag with groceries the Drac hadn’t been able to deliver.

His eyes found Ghoul immediately, although he was half hidden behind the couch.

“I got your ice packs this morning and figured I should get them to you as soon as possible, so I finished work early,” Gerard carried on, his words slowing down as he stripped off his shoes.

Ghoul wanted to be angry at him, but he felt so alone and the fact that Gerard had actually come home early because he was worried that Ghoul was in pain made him tear up all over again. He sniffled.

Gerard came closer slowly, as if he didn’t want to upset him by moving too fast or speaking too loudly.

“What are you doing there, honey?” he asked and looked at the electronic parts and wires strewn around Ghoul. His voice was gentle. He didn’t seem upset that Ghoul had broken something, nor that he was clearly doing something he wasn’t supposed to do.

Ghoul shook his head and sniffled again.

“I’m going to put your ice packs in the fridge. I also got your strawberries. Do you want strawberries, love?”

Ghoul considered for a moment, then he nodded. If he was already stuck here, he would at least eat strawberries and take baths every day.

Gerard got a box of strawberries from the bag and placed it on the floor within Ghoul’s reach, before he turned around and left for the kitchen.

Ghoul took a strawberry and pushed it into his mouth. It was less cold today, since it hadn’t been stored in the fridge, and that made it softer, and possibly even sweeter. The taste comforted him a little bit.

Gerard came back from the kitchen, sitting down on the couch, keeping his distance.

Ghoul ate another strawberry.

“So what are you trying to build here, sweetheart?” Gerard still didn’t sound upset.

Ghoul knew that he should lie, but he couldn’t come up with a convincing excuse and it wasn’t like it mattered anyway.

“A radio transmitter,” he mumbled. “Doesn’t matter though, shit’s not working anyway.”

“Hm.” Gerard let out a small hum. “And what do you need a radio transmitter for?”

Ghoul shrugged. It seemed pointless to say it out loud, since the answer was obvious anyway. Maybe the question was genuine, though. Gerard could be astonishingly ignorant at times.

“To contact someone in the Zones,” he said, keeping his eyes on the strawberries.

“And who?”

Ghoul wondered if this was another interrogation technique to make him spill all of his secrets. But it didn’t matter, he didn’t have anything to tell them. He didn’t know where his friends were right now or if they were even still alive.

“Jet,” he said and looked up hesitantly. Gerard was watching him, nodding slowly as if to encourage him to continue. Ghoul realised that Gerard didn’t know about Jet. “We were together when they grabbed me. Jet got away. I gotta let him know I’m alright. He doesn’t know.”

He looked at Gerard pleadingly, praying that he would believe him. If he thought that Ghoul was trying to contact a terror organisation to flee the city and potentially murder him, he would report him for sure and he would get reprogrammed, losing every chance of ever seeing his crew again.

It wasn’t a lie though. More than anything, he wanted to let Jet know that he was still alive, and that he was still himself.

“And Jet is your … lover?” Gerard clearly hesitated before using the word and there was something like hurt flashing up behind his eyes. He seemingly hadn’t even considered that Ghoul might have a partner already and he looked scared that he would confirm his fear.

It was so absurd, that Ghoul nearly wanted to laugh. For him, this was a matter of life and death and all that Gerard cared about was getting someone to fall in love with him. The city had replaced all of his thoughts with static it seemed.

“Jet’s my family,” Ghoul said. “His parents took me in after mine got ghosted, back when I was still a motorbaby. Now there’s only us. We grew up together. He’s like my brother. I gotta let him know I’m alright.”

Hearing the words out loud felt strange. This was more than Ghoul had told them about Jet during the interrogations. It felt like they had won after all.

Gerard looked at him with these bright, clear eyes again that seemed to reach all the way into him.

He nodded at the mess on the floor.

“What do you need?” he asked. “To make it work?”

Ghoul licked his lips. “Copper wire, I think? Maybe something else, I dunno. I’m no good with this shit.”

Most killjoys got the basics down, but he really wished he had paid more attention to all the stuff Cherri had tried to explain to him at one point or another.

“Okay.” Gerard got up from the couch and left the room.

Ghoul heard the clicking of a door being unlocked and he should have gotten up to sneak a glance at Gerard’s secret storage room, but he just remained sitting on the ground. Gerard  might contact Korse to tell him to come and pick Ghoul up. Or maybe he was getting a Raygun to shoot Ghoul in the head himself.

He heard the door being shut again and looked up. Gerard was holding a large cardboard box in his hands.

“Here,” he said and got down on the floor, sitting down cross-legged opposite Ghoul. “It’s electric. Maybe it will help.”

Ghoul stared at the box that had the image of a model railroad printed on it.

“Where’d ya get that?” he asked and pulled the box towards himself.

“I killed a man for it,” Gerard joked, flashing him a toothy grin when Ghoul looked up.

He lifted the lid. The insides of the box looked even more promising than he had hoped. There were a lot of cables and switches that clearly didn’t belong to the original set. He even found a roll of the copper wire he’d been looking for.

“I threw out most stuff from my childhood,” Gerard said. It wasn’t hard to guess that much, given the bland state of his apartment. “I kept this one out of nostalgia though.”

Ghoul was already getting to work, scared that Gerard might take the stuff away from him and ask for something in return otherwise. He didn’t understand why he was helping him in the first place. It might be a trap, or maybe he was so desperate for Ghoul’s affection, that he was trying to buy it.

“Why?” Ghoul asked shortly without looking up.

Gerard stayed silent for a moment. He had picked up a loose transistor and was turning it over in his hands.

“I have a brother too, you know,” he said. “Mikey. This used to be his. He’s good with all this electronic stuff. Fucking loved it as a kid.” He paused again. “It would kill me. Not knowing that he was alright.”

Ghoul looked up again. He wasn’t able to read Gerard’s tone. He wished Jet was here to do it for him.

“Ya should eat something. Bet ya haven’t eaten all day,” he muttered and pushed the remaining strawberries towards Gerard before he focused on his hands again.

Gerard laughed quietly, but he did pick up one of the strawberries.

“Destroya, this ain’t gonna work,” Ghoul cursed, looking up at the radio. He had turned it on earlier and set it to the frequency he was going for, but it hadn’t picked up anything yet.

Gerard leaned forward. His posture looked very relaxed and oddly enough, that calmed Ghoul down as well.

“Have you tried reversing the voltage?” he asked. “I think you’ll have to.”

Ghoul looked up with a frown. His hair had fallen into his face, but he didn’t bother to push it back.

“How’d ya know that?” he asked suspiciously.

Gerard rolled his eyes. It looked funny when he did. He had a surprisingly expressive face. “I got proper Scarecrow training, y’know? I always sucked at this shit, too, but they tried to teach me the basics.”

Ghoul hummed and followed Gerard’s advice. Immediately, the radio startled crackling with the low buzz of static.

“The Witch take me!” Ghoul exclaimed and stared at the device in his hands. “It fucking worked.”

He tried not to get his hopes up. There was a very high chance that Jet wouldn’t pick up on his signal.

Even if he did, contacting him was a fucking stupid idea to begin with. The line was open and anyone would be able to listen in on them if they found the frequency he and Jet usually used to contact each other. Bli might use it to try and track Jet down. That might be why Gerard had helped him in the first place. He was one of them after all. Maybe he had played along to capture Jet and take the credit for it.

But none of that mattered if there was even the slightest chance of talking to Jet.

He fumbled with the cog he had taken from Gerard’s alarm to adjust the frequency, listening closely. The buzzing on the radio faded, the sound became a little clearer.

He pressed the button. “Jet? Jet, ya hear me?” he said into the speaker, trying to keep his voice even. He would keep it together.

“Ya there, Jet?”

He closed his eyes, not wanting to see anything while he waited. There was no reason for Jet to tune into their frequency, even if he was close enough to pick up the signal. He didn’t have any reason to believe Ghoul was still out there, or that he would try to contact him.

The static on the radio picked up again. Ghoul held his breath. He shouldn’t get his hopes up.

“Ghoul?”

The voice from the radio was faint and disrupted by static, but it was unmistakably there.

Ghoul made a noise like a wounded animal, bending forward to curl in on himself.

“Jet? Jet, ya hear me?” He was bending over the transmitter as if to wrap his entire being around it.

“Ghoul, that you?”

“Fuck yeah it is.”

“The Witch letting ya make a call?” Even though his voice was nearly lost beneath the static, Ghoul could hear the doubt and fear in Jet’s voice.

“Nah, still kicking. She’s gotta wait for me,” he said, a grin slowly forming on his face.

“Where’d I get my car?” Jet asked.

It was like Jet to be considerate enough to ask a question like that. For all he knew, Ghoul had been tortured and broken. It might be a fucking Scarecrow calling to lure him into a trap.

“The Am? Got it from your brother. ‘S got the spider on the hood, cause he was obsessed with ‘em spiderboy comics.”

“Ghoul!”

Ghoul opened his eyes and started laughing. He still felt like crying, but more so like laughing. Even in spite of the poor sound quality he could tell that Jet had just jumped up.

“Bless the Phoenix Witch, you’re alive. How’s the weather?”

“Fucking shiny,” Ghoul said and threw a quick glance at Gerard. It was strange that he was just sitting there, smiling insecurely as if he also wasn’t quite sure what he was doing here. It felt wrong to have him listen in on their conversation, but at the same time Ghoul preferred to keep him in sight. At least he was sure he wasn’t contacting headquarters to track down Jet’s location as they spoke. “Might be in trouble though, cause I ain’t got sunscreen ‘gainst the radiation.”

Their code was simple, but it allowed them to let each other know they were alright even when someone was listening in. Ghoul had just told Jet that he wasn’t in immediate danger, but that it wasn’t safe to talk openly.

“How ‘bout you?”

“Rain for days,” Jet said. “Sun’s coming up again now that ya calling though.”

Ghoul smiled in spite of the stinging pain in his chest. Jet had been mourning him.

“Listen, Ghoul,” Jet said more seriously. Ghoul knew what was about to come and he wanted to shut it down right away.

“Ya had no choice,” he said. “I told ya to leave. Wasn’t your fault they grabbed me.”

There was a short pause. Ghoul could practically hear the way Jet was still blaming himself. “So how’d ya manage to get out?” he finally asked.

He sounded as if he wanted to ask where Ghoul was, and if he needed to be picked up. Jet clearly wanted to drop everything to come and get him and it pained Ghoul that it wasn’t safe to do so. Just being able to hear Jet’s troubled voice made him feel loved though.

“I didn’t. Supervised Reintegration Program,” he said dryly.

Gerard was still trying his best to keep a blank face. He wasn’t looking at Ghoul directly as if not to intrude on a private moment. But he hadn’t gotten up from the floor either.

“No way, that shit’s real?” Jet sounded alarmed.

Ghoul nodded instinctively, only to remember that Jet couldn’t see him. It was annoying when he had to use words for everything.

“Yeah. I’m at some rich guy’s apartment right now. High up in the sky like he wants to live on the fucking moon.”

Ghoul kept his eyes on Gerard, watching for a reaction that would betray he was uncomfortable being talked about.

“I’m gonna kill him,” Jet said.

Gerard made a face and for a moment, he looked genuinely pained.

“Nah, ‘s alright,” Ghoul said quickly. “Gerard’s not so bad. He ain’t touching me.”

Gerard closed his eyes briefly and he looked pale. He looked like he was about to be sick. Maybe it was finally sinking in what he had tried to do to Ghoul. Maybe he was thinking of his own brother and what he would do if the same thing happened to him.

“Then what’s he want from you?” Jet asked, clearly unsettled.

Ghoul wished he could explain what Gerard craved; that Bli had starved him of intimacy so much that he wasn’t quite right in the head anymore, not when he wasn’t taking their pills to balance out the loneliness; that they hadn’t taught him anything about love or life in the Zones, and that the entire system was built on lies. He wished he could explain that Bat City was so messed up, someone would risk it all just to be liked by a stranger.

“He’s nice to me,” Ghoul said carefully. “Got a real sunny personality, y’know?”

He figured that it sounded nice enough to someone from the city. In the Zones someone was only referred to as sunny, if they had spent too much time in the sun and the radiation had messed with their brains.

“That would be me!” Gerard chimed in, so sudden and cheerful that Ghoul flinched.

“Destroya, he’s there with ya?” Jet cursed.

“In the flesh, honey,” Gerard confirmed.

Ghoul had to stifle a laugh, imagining Jet’s face when he heard the words. Gerard was quite something to get used to.

“Ya know Gerard,” he added, just because it was hilarious to picture Jet’s reaction. “Bat City’s poster boy. Blonde hair, doll face.”

“What?” Jet asked.

“The one on that poster at Tommy’s. The ad? The one for the water that’ll make ya smell nice.”

Jet stayed silent. Gerard frowned. “You mean perfume?” he suggested.

Ghoul growled and leaned in, making a show out of sniffing Gerard. It felt easier to act silly with Jet’s voice right there. He felt less scared that way.

“He ain’t smelling that nice in person,” he told the radio.

Gerard broke into a wolfish grin, leaning in as well until he was close enough for Ghoul to see the wicked, playful sparkle in his eyes. “But I’m twice as pretty.”

Ghoul’s stomach did a weird thing, where it apparently couldn’t decide if it wanted to drop or jump. He giggled.

“Excuse ya?” Jet said.

Ghoul chuckled again and pushed the hair from his face. “Yeah,” he said, for no reason in particular.

“Just take care, Ghoul, yeah?”

Ghoul could tell what the words really meant: He was supposed to hang in there. They both knew he was going to get out of here eventually. He almost felt sorry for Gerard. He would be heartbroken to be left alone again. But they’d probably get him a new toy soon enough.

He stared at the radio. He wished they could have a real conversation. But he couldn’t be honest with Gerard sitting right next to him. And he couldn’t ask where Jet had stayed recently, or if he was close to the city now since he had picked up the signal, or how any of their friends were doing.

But he didn’t want Jet to go, even though it was probably safer to keep their conversations brief. There was comfort in knowing he was there, even if what they shared was only silence.

“Hey, Jet?” he asked. “Can ya play me a song? Music’s shit here.”

“Yeah, of course.” He heard Jet fumbling around immediately, which meant he probably had the Boombox with him wherever he was.

Ghoul shuffled over to the couch to rest his back against it, closing his eyes as he listened to the music starting up. It was distorted, the static kept getting worse, as if the frequency was slightly off. It wasn’t turned up as loud as Ghoul liked it either, not so loud that he felt the bass vibrating in his bones. But it was familiar and it was disruptive and it was full of anger and heart, and it felt like the only piece of life between these sterile, white walls.

He opened his eyes again, only to find Gerard dancing.

He hadn’t gotten up from the floor, but he was swaying from side to side, moving his arms to the beat. More importantly though, he was mouthing along.

“Ya know the song?” Ghoul asked quietly, directing the words only at Gerard and not at Jet still listening in on them.

“Fuck yeah. I’m a huge Mad Gear fan.” He lowered his hands to grin at Ghoul. “You’ve ever been to a gig?”

Ghoul shook his head. “He disappeared like five years ago, no?”

“I saw him when I was seventeen,” Gerard said. “Some secret underground show in the Lobby. Snuck out to catch it. It was madness.” He grinned even wider. “I wasn’t allowed makeup, yeah? So I just smeared dirt around my eyes. Real fucking dirt instead of eyeshadow. I looked like a madman.” He laughed quietly at the memory.

Ghoul looked at Gerard and tried to picture him as a seventeen-year-old with dirt on his face, attending secret underground gigs. He also thought about the fact that he chewed with his mouth open and swore a lot. He wondered if under different circumstances, they could have been friends.

“Korse grounded my ass for a whole fucking month when I came home, but it was so worth it.”

Gerard tilted his head back to look up at the ceiling.

“Ya lived with him?” Ghoul asked.

“For a while,” Gerard said quietly. It didn’t sound like he wanted to go into the details of that arrangement. “He put a lock on my window after that. But he always uses the same fucking code for everything.” He giggled. It sounded weirdly affectionate.

The song quietened down as it came to an end.

“He always that much of a chatterbox?” Jet asked, his voice barely audible over the last notes.

Ghoul grinned. “Ya bet. He’s got mouth for brains.”

Gerard stuck out his tongue at him. Ghoul thought that it was surprising for someone with such a big ego, but he never got offended when he was teased.

“I better run now, Ghoul,” Jet said. Ghoul’s mood fell immediately, but he knew that Jet was right. And now that the radio worked, he could get in touch with him again once Gerard was at work.

“I know,” he said. “Keep runnin’.”

“Keep your boots tight,” Jet replied. It meant he was supposed to stay ready to leave. Things would be alright. Jet would get him out of here.

Ghoul waited for a moment, then he switched off the transmitter. Killjoys didn’t say goodbye.

“He seems nice,” Gerard said after a moment of awkward silence.

Ghoul looked up. “Thank you,” he said. “Dunno if ya wanna fuck me over, or if ya hope it’ll make me jump on your dick, or if you’re just being nice. But thank you.”

Gerard gave him a small smile. Ghoul thought that he really liked Gerard’s lips. His eyes were sparkling shiny, his eyebrows neat and pulled into shape, his nose was cute and his skin perfectly clear. But his lips were thin and they tended to tilt to the side when he spoke. They were the least perfect thing about his face.

“You know, I actually took the day off tomorrow,” Gerard said.

Ghoul frowned. He had never heard of anyone in Bat City taking a day off before.

“I thought we could spend some time together. Get to know each other more. That might be nice, or not?”

Ghoul thought of the ice packs in the fridge and of how badly he wanted to call Jet again once he was alone. He tried not to look too disappointed.

“Sure.” After all, it might actually be a good thing to learn more about Gerard. Maybe he could convince him to be entrusted with a keycard for the front door.

“Cool. It’s a date.” Gerard grinned at him and Ghoul turned his head.

“We should clean up here,” he muttered. “Ya need a new alarm, ‘n the intercom’s broken.”

Gerard chuckled. “It’s fine. I know a guy.”

He kept looking at Ghoul openly, as if he was expecting him to say more, but Ghoul wasn’t good with words.

So he scrambled to his feet instead, hesitating for a moment before holding his hands out to Gerard.

He took them both, allowing Ghoul to pull him up. “You’re cute when you talk to Jet,” he said, sounding way too honest somehow. “I mean, when you’re happy.”

Ghoul huffed, looking down and waiting for Gerard to let go of his hands. But instead, he pulled him forward, so abruptly that Ghoul stumbled straight into him.

He wrapped his arms around Ghoul and Ghoul wanted to protest, but he had told Gerard that it was alright to touch him, and the hug felt sweet and clumsy. So he leaned into it, not quite returning the embrace, but enjoying the feeling of Gerard’s body against himself. He did his best to ignore the fact that he actually did smell pretty nice, different from people in the desert. He didn’t smell of sand and sweat, he smelled of flowers and makeup.

Gerard giggled quietly and buried his face against Ghoul’s neck and for a moment he thought that was cute, but then Gerard bit down and it wasn’t cute at all anymore.

Pain shot through him and he instinctively pushed against Gerard’s chest, but the grip of his arms tightened, holding Ghoul close even though his teeth stopped piercing his skin immediately.

“What the fuck’s wrong with ya?” Ghoul cursed, squirming to get away from Gerard without actually hitting him.

“Hold still,” Gerard whispered close to his ear. “Just trust me, yeah? Please?”

Ghoul inhaled deeply. He knew that trusting Gerard was a shitty idea, but he had helped him with the radio and there was something so genuine about him that Ghoul couldn’t help but feel like they were on the same side.

He stilled in Gerard’s arms, not moving at all anymore.

Gerard moved his hands, giving Ghoul enough leeway to pull away if he wanted to, but he remained standing still. He brushed the long strands of hair from Ghoul’s neck and very hesitantly, he tilted his head to grant Gerard better access to his throat.

Gerard sunk his teeth in immediately, even harder this time, until Ghoul felt like he would soon draw blood. He wasn’t sure if this was some misguided attempt at affection, because just like with kissing, Gerard wasn’t entirely sure how it was supposed to work; or if he was actually a vampire, some blood-thirsty creature created in the labs of Better Living Industries, about to drain Ghoul.

He kept his jaw clenched, doubling his fists, trying to hide any sign of pain as his eyes started to tear up.

But then Gerard let up slightly and started sucking instead and the pain turned into something else. It still hurt, but in a good way, the sensation trickling down Ghoul’s spine and he couldn’t help letting out a small, whimpering moan.

He let his head fall forward, pressing his face against Gerard’s shoulder to muffle his voice. He prayed to the Phoenix Witch that Gerard hadn’t paid attention to the noise he’d just made.

Gerard moved along, keeping his mouth attached to Ghoul’s neck, still sucking, running his tongue over Ghoul’s skin in a way that made him shudder involuntarily. Maybe he did know what he was doing after all.

Finally, he pulled back, leaving Ghoul breathless and flushed. He didn’t know where to look, embarrassed by his own arousal, caused by the sharp pain and Gerard’s body heat. He was sure that the guilt and shame were written all over his face. He didn’t want to be easy for Gerard.

But Gerard seemingly didn’t plan to push it, because he stepped away from Ghoul, giving him a toothy grin that looked both smug and innocent.

“There you go,” he announced. “All done.”

Ghoul found the courage to glare at him even though he was pretty sure that he was blushing. Gerard acted like the bite hadn’t meant to turn him on. Maybe he just wanted to fucking confuse Ghoul.

“Ya gonna tell me what the hell that was about, motherfucker?” he growled. If the bite really hadn’t meant anything, his moaning was even more embarrassing.

“You’ll see.” Gerard was still grinning. His smile was innocent enough, but Ghoul noticed the mischievous sparkle in his eyes.

“Oh, fuck you,” he mumbled and shook his head, so strands of hair fell into his face. He really wanted to get away from Gerard for a moment or two. “Ya can clean up this mess by yourself if ya wanna be a cunt. Imma take a bath.”

A calm, relaxing bath with absolutely no intrusive thoughts about Gerard’s lips on his skin was exactly what he needed right now.

“Sick.” Gerard’s grin turned more challenging. “Can I join?”

Ghoul managed to turn away with a scowl before his cheeks started to feel hot again.

“Ya fucking wish.”

Chapter Text

Ghoul stretched himself and rolled over as he woke. It was warm and cosy and just lying in bed without any reason to get up was an amazing feeling. It was astonishing how quickly he’d gotten used to the luxury of a comfortable bed. Although he had woken up a couple of times during the night, he had fallen back asleep quickly and felt properly rested.

He reached for the remote to pull up the blinds. The sunlight that fell in through the windows was different from the sunshine in the desert. Out there, the radiation burned straight through your skull if you didn’t watch out, but underneath the dome of the city, the light was soft and tame, no brighter than a moonlit night in the Zones.

He debated staying in bed longer, but he’d already slept in and it was probably time to get up.

He rolled out of bed and shuffled over to the bathroom, pushing the door open while still feeling sleepy.

The first thing he noticed was the sound of running water.

The second thing he realised was how absolutely zany it was to own a shower screen made out of glass.

Unfortunately, his eyes worked a lot faster than his brain, because before either of those thoughts had been fully processed, he had already taken in the sight in front of him with baffling clarity.

Gerard was standing in the shower, head tilted back while steaming water ran down his naked body. The Bli uniforms really weren’t doing him any favours, because it was the first time that Ghoul noticed how long his legs actually were and how firm the curve of his ass. His skin was exactly as pale and flawless as Ghoul had expected. He had never seen a body without any tattoos or scars or bruises on it and he felt as if he had never seen another person so utterly naked before.

Gerard stood sideways and Ghoul got a good look at his cock. Somehow, he had expected Gerard to be absolutely smooth and shaven everywhere, but dark wet hair was curling at the base of his dick. He was half hard. Very briefly Ghoul wondered if it was just a reaction to the warm water, or if he’d actually been touching himself moments before Ghoul had walked in.

He managed to force his eyes back up to Gerard’s face, but that was worse, because the sound of the opening door must have alerted him and he had turned his head, looking straight at Ghoul.

He grinned and Ghoul felt as if his head was about to explode like a grenade. For a shameful second, he thought that he could have all of this if he wanted. Gerard’s grin was open and inviting. Ghoul could strip off his clothes and step into the shower and Gerard would welcome him. He could run his hands all over that pale, perfect, wet skin, he could press Gerard up against the tiled wall and kiss him, and it would be exactly what he wanted.

He spun around and slammed the door shut behind him as he left the room.

His face still felt uncomfortably hot as he went back into the bedroom, sitting down on the edge of the bed, unsure what to do with himself now. He felt ashamed of himself. Gerard was stunningly beautiful, but he couldn’t want him as a matter of principle. For one, his flawless beauty represented everything he detested about Bat City. And second of all, it would feel like a betrayal to everyone else forced into the Supervised Reintegration Program. He would not do what they expected of him. It wasn’t about Gerard. Ghoul just wouldn’t be able to live with himself if he gave in.

He listened to the sound of the running water. Gerard was taking his time. He tried not to picture him wanking in the shower.

After a while it went quiet, then he heard the door shutting, hoping Gerard would leave for the kitchen so he could sneak into the bathroom unnoticed.

But of fucking course Gerard had to enter the bedroom. He hadn’t even bothered to get dressed first. He had a towel wrapped around his waist, leaving his pale chest bare. He was so skinny and the towel was sitting so low that Ghoul could see his hip bones clearly.

“Sorry about that,” Gerard said casually, walking past the bed to access the closet. “I wasn’t meaning to flash you.”

He had dried his hair and it was ruffled, sticking up in weird angles. It was the first time Ghoul saw it when it wasn’t slicked back and it reached down all the way to his chin. The roots were a tinge darker, so apparently Gerard was bleaching his hair. It was so blonde, it looked almost platinum.

“Nah, I’m sorry,” Ghoul said and looked away so he wasn’t staring at Gerard’s pale back. He was scared that he would just drop the towel any second now to get dressed right in front of Ghoul.

“It’s my bad, I forgot to lock the door. I’m not used to having someone else around the apartment.” Gerard didn’t sound like it was a big deal.

“I forgot you’re home today,” Ghoul confessed. “Should’ve knocked.”

“It’s fine,” Gerard assured him. “You could just join me next time.”

Ghoul cleared his throat. He had expected that line at some point. Gerard didn’t sound especially pressing though, so it seemed safe to just ignore the offer.

“Imma use the bathroom, too.” Ghoul got up.

“Yeah, uh, just so you know.” Gerard’s voice made him turn around. He was holding a stack of clothes in his arms, but he thankfully hadn’t started to change yet. “Korse’s coming over in a bit. For brunch. There’s still time, though, no rush.”

“Brunch?” Ghoul repeated dumbfoundedly. “Ya having Scarecrow brunch?” The idea just seemed absurd to him.

“More like …” Gerard trailed off. Ghoul wondered if he’d already known about this yesterday. Maybe he hadn’t taken the day off just for Ghoul after all. “… family brunch. It will be just the three of us.”

Ghoul swallowed. He hadn’t realised he was asked to join. His first impulse was to refuse, but he knew that he had to play along if he wanted to stay with Gerard, which was still his best option at this point. And it might be good to keep his ears open after all. It wasn’t often that a joy got to listen in on two Crows.

“Kay,” he muttered.

Gerard gave him a small smile. “Just follow my lead. It will be alright. I know how to handle him.”

Ghoul nodded and grabbed his clothes before making his way to the bathroom. He figured that there wasn’t enough time to run himself a bath and he doubted he would be able to relax anyway. And he really didn’t want to step into the shower thinking of Gerard standing there only moments ago, potentially with his hand on his dick.

So he just refreshed himself by the sink after brushing his teeth. He was still in awe of how many options there were to clean himself. Then he checked himself in the mirror, combing through his long hair with his fingers. He didn’t like brushing it. His neck felt sore and the skin had turned a dark purple where Gerard had bitten him yesterday for whatever reason. He wondered if he looked presentable enough for Korse. He shouldn’t look too put-together either. Korse was probably expecting him to still be at odds with his fate.

Gerard was already setting the table when he entered the living room. He had changed into his regular, white clothes, but his hair was still a ruffled mess. Ghoul caught himself wanting to run his hands through it. Gerard’s face looked softer overall, rounder and less sharp as if it was missing contouring. He looked more approachable this way.

“You can help me in the kitchen, if you want,” he said and Ghoul shrugged. It felt wrong to prepare food for the man who had observed him getting tortured, but he was grateful for something to do.

He followed Gerard into the kitchen, who started brewing coffee. “I got fresh bagels and thought we could scramble some eggs. I’d make pancakes, but Korse will complain. Better another time.”

“How ‘bout fruit salad. I could make that,” Ghoul offered after a moment of hesitation. He did make a pretty decent fruit salad, though he usually worked with canned goods. He wanted to eat as many fresh fruits as he could while staying in Bat City.

“Sure, that would be nice.” Gerard smiled at Ghoul and with his fluffy hair and his round face, he looked almost shy.

He moved to let Ghoul access the fridge and turned on the stove as Ghoul started slicing up fruits. They worked in silence and it was kind of nice. The apartment still felt too quiet, but with Gerard rustling next to him, it didn’t feel as lonely.

“Where’d you learn how to cook anyway?” Gerard asked after a while.

Ghoul wondered if the question might be some kind of trap, but he figured there was no harm in giving away the dead.

“Jet’s ma taught me,” he said while continuing his work. “Jet ‘n his brothers, they were older. Always out ‘n about, chasing ghosts through the desert. But I missed my own ma, so I always stuck ‘round when she’d do the cooking for the crew. Felt like home, y’know?”

Gerard hummed quietly. The memory should have felt sad, but it mostly made him feel nostalgic. He remembered everyone coming together to eat at the end of the day, when the sun set over the desert.

The front door fell shut with a bang and Ghoul nearly jumped out of his own skin.

“Destroya,” he muttered under his breath, but Gerard seemed unbothered, seemingly used to Korse unlocking his door without warning.

“Gerard,” a voice called out.

“We’re in the kitchen, love,” Gerard called back. Ghoul would never get used to the pet names.

“I rang the bell,” Korse said and stepped into sight. He was wearing the same coat and the same frilly shirt as the last time Ghoul had seen him. “No one answered, so I let myself in.”

“The intercom is broken,” Gerard declared cheerfully. “Maybe Mikey could come over to fix it? I haven’t seen him in ages. You could send him over.”

Korse looked Gerard over quickly. He had a very intense gaze that looked as if nothing could be hidden from him and it made Ghoul feel queasy.

“I assumed you were too busy to see him.” His eyes trailed over to Ghoul, staring at him in a way that made him feel pinned to the kitchen cabinets. He wished he could crawl into them and hide.

“Oh, I was quite busy these days,” Gerard said lightly. Korse’s presence didn’t seem to unsettle him at all.

“I figured, since you left work early yesterday.” Korse’s tone was scolding, but there was also another note to it, something that sounded almost intrigued. “He should be wearing his shock collar though. It’s against the regulations that you took it off.”

Gerard pouted. “I just like it better when he’s not wearing it.”

“Yes,” Korse said and reached out so suddenly that Ghoul had to force himself not to flinch back. He grabbed the collar of his shirt and pulled it to the side, leaving Ghoul exposed and frozen in place. “I can see that.”

He was staring at the large bruise that had formed on Ghoul’s neck. He kept his hand on his collar for too long and his expression was weirdly hungry, yet like he was barely seeing Ghoul at all. He looked like he enjoyed the sight of the bruise itself, as if he enjoyed imagining Gerard in bed – biting and scratching and insatiable.

Gerard giggled. “He makes the cutest noises when you bite. I can’t get enough of it.”

Ghoul remembered the little moan he’d let out while Gerard had sucked on his neck and he flushed hot with embarrassment at the thought that he must have caught it after all.

Korse finally let go of Ghoul’s collar and looked back at Gerard. His eyes were predatory.

“So he’s satisfying you?” Something about the phrasing rubbed Ghoul the wrong way. It sounded as if Korse really wanted to hear all about Gerard’s pleasure. His demeanour made Ghoul want to get in between them to shield Gerard, even though he seemed perfectly capable of holding his own.

He was meeting Korse’s eyes head on and grinned cheekily like a teenager who had just discovered masturbation. If Ghoul didn’t know any better, even he would assume they were having sex. 

“It feels amazing,” Gerard said and leaned forward, his voice chatty and excited, as if he saw nothing wrong with oversharing, but Korse’s expression suggested that Gerard was telling him exactly what he wanted to hear. “Much better than with a droid. It’s addictive, I just want to do it all the time now.”

He leaned back again and gave a slightly dismissive hand gesture.

“But you know that already. I know you saw me ordering that new bottle of lube. I know you keep track of my shopping list.”

Ghoul was impressed by the way Gerard had planned ahead; ordering the lube, leaving the bite mark on his neck.

Korse narrowed his eyes suspiciously nonetheless.

“And he’s been compliant? Even without the collar?”

Gerard shrugged, looking as if he was getting bored with the conversation. Ghoul realised that he was very good at acting shallow.

“He knows what happens if I send him back. And I’m gentle with him.” He grinned. “Reasonably so. I’ve been staying clear of his mouth though. I’m worried he’ll bite.”

Korse smirked. The words seemed to entertain him. He turned back to Ghoul.

“And how do you like your new life, Frank?” he asked, his tone still amused.

Ghoul knew that he couldn’t be honest, but he also couldn’t misbehave so badly that it would get him in trouble.

He hissed, baring his teeth at Korse. “Whadaya think? It’s fucking fantastic,” he snarled.

Korse flicked his tongue. “See, that’s why he should be wearing the collar. How else are you going to train him to mind his language?”

“Why? What’s wrong with his language?” Gerard had put his hands flat on the kitchen counter behind himself, leaning back. His grin was goofy. “I think it’s fucking fantastic.”

Ghoul held his breath, feeling like it was reckless to provoke Korse like this.

But Korse just pointed his finger at Gerard accusingly. “You are a brat, young man,” he said. “And if you were still living under my roof, I would put you over my knee for that.”

“Oh?” Gerard arched his back against the kitchen counter, holding eye contact with Korse. “Maybe I should move back in.”

Ghoul thought that Gerard was playing a dangerous game, but Korse lowered his hand. He didn’t look angry. He also didn’t look as greedy anymore, as if he was shying away from Gerard as soon as he got within reach.

“You’re in a good mood,” he observed.

“Yeah.” Gerard threw a quick glance at Ghoul and for the first time today his smile didn’t look overly chipper. “I’m happy. I really am.”

It sounded so genuine that the words stung in Ghoul’s chest. He felt bad for wanting to leave so badly.

“So I can tell the Director that your temper tantrum is over?”

Gerard lowered his gaze and he looked almost ashamed. “Well, yeah. Please thank her.”

Korse nodded and his eyes returned to Ghoul.

Ghoul felt incredibly guilty, even though he knew that he shouldn’t. For a gay man like Gerard, it wasn’t easy to get any kind of relationship sanctioned by Bli. He had fought for Ghoul. And even though Ghoul refused him the intimacy he craved, he still covered for him. Ghoul almost wished he could give him what he wanted without losing himself.

“He needs to get his hair cut, though,” Korse observed.

Ghoul bared his teeth again.

“I think it looks nice this way,” Gerard said, casual yet firm.

Korse shook his head. “I’ll send someone over to have it done. You need a haircut, too. Short looks better on you.”

Gerard tugged at a strand of his bleached hair, pouting.

“I think it’s cute. Come on, I know you think so, too. Just tell me how cute I am, babe.”

He was cranking up the bratty act and it was quite annoying, but for the first time, Ghoul actually understood what he was doing. It was the only way of disagreeing he had without picking an argument.

“Gerard,” Korse said and he sounded somewhat exhausted.

“Come on, Frank, at least you think I’m cute, right?”

It took Ghoul a moment to react, because he hadn’t expected to get roped into this, and he moreover wasn’t used to Gerard addressing him by his legal name. Gerard was staring at him and Ghoul had no idea what he actually wanted to hear.

“Compared to a rat’s ass maybe,” he growled.

Gerard threw up his hands in mocking despair. “Well, now I wish I’d kept the collar,” he said and looked at Korse as if hoping to be praised for his joke.

Ghoul expected Korse to smile, but his face stayed rather indifferent. He suddenly felt sorry for Gerard. He acted obnoxious and confident, but it wasn’t right that no one told him he was pretty; that he was denied even such a small sign of affection.

Korse sighed. “I’ll send someone over anyway. At least have them touch up on your roots.”

“Yes, daddy,” Gerard said and pushed himself off the kitchen counter, gesturing towards the living room. “But now go and sit, we’ll bring out the food.”

He shooed Korse over to the dining area and grabbed the bowl with the scrambled eggs. His expression was frozen in a neutral smile that looked happy enough but gave away absolutely nothing.

“Hey,” Ghoul said and put his hand on Gerard’s arm before he could follow Korse to the table. They were standing close to each other and he kept his voice to a barely audible whisper.

Gerard looked at him, wide-eyed and concerned.

“You’re cute,” Ghoul said. He felt like he couldn’t let Gerard go out there, feeling like he might actually be undeserving of praise. He looked at the messy blonde strands falling down around his face. “Your hair, ‘s cute.”

The lines around Gerard’s eyes softened and he bit his bottom lip so hard, his teeth would leave small indentations. Sometimes Ghoul got confused, because it was so hard to tell when Gerard was acting. It seemed pretty easy to tell when he was being genuine though.

“Thank you, Ghoulie,” he mouthed, not actually pronouncing the words, but Ghoul could read them off his lips anyway. Then he turned to head for the dining table.

Ghoul grabbed the bowl with the fruit salad and followed hesitantly. Korse had sat down at the dining table and Gerard was just pulling out the chair opposite him, leaving Ghoul with no choice but to sit between them. At least he wasn’t facing Korse directly this way.

“So have you had a chance to look at the revisions for the age restriction announcement yet?” Korse asked, his tone conversational as he started slicing open a bagel.

Ghoul helped himself to some of the fruit salad. His nerves were ruining his appetite. He was kind of expecting to get struck or hurt or dragged out of the apartment again. But that possibility was all the more reason to dig into the good food while it was still available.

“Yes, and I’m still vetoing it,” Gerard said just as casually. “And no, I’m not throwing a temper tantrum. I just think it’s a shit idea.”

“There is an increasingly high number of kids trying to run away. Most of them are aged fourteen to fifteen. We could limit the number of Runners by lowering the age restriction for the pills from sixteen to fourteen.”

Ghoul felt queasy. It didn’t seem right that they would discuss something like this in front of him.

“It won’t lower the number of Runners. It will only make them younger. These kids are running away at fifteen, because they know it’s their last chance before getting hooked on the drugs. Lower the age restriction further and I’m the one who has to come up with a narrative to explain why the fuck we shot a ten-year-old in the face.”

Gerard wasn’t able to keep the anger out of his voice entirely, although he clearly tried. It was astonishing he managed to get the words out as calmly as he did. Just thinking about it made Ghoul want to cry with anger. He kept staring down at his plate.

“We think the impulse to break out of the system will be significantly lowered if we calm people down before they hit puberty,” Korse pointed out.

Ghoul knew what that meant – before these kids could figure out that there might be no space for them inside Bli’s neat little boxes.

“Or they’ll develop a higher tolerance, we’ll need to increase their dosage when puberty hits to keep them stable and people will get ditzy. I can already see the mess this new regulation is going to cause and quite frankly, I don’t feel like cleaning it up.”

Korse pointed his knife at Gerard. He hadn’t touched the fruit salad Ghoul had made yet.

“You’re being a brat again,” he said.

“Let me talk to the Director. I can explain it to her.”

“I’m not letting you talk to the Director.” Korse reached for the jam. “She doesn’t like you. You’re foul-mouthed.”

A quick smile flashed across Gerard’s face before he turned serious again.

“So what can we get? Realistically?”

“Fifteen,” Korse said.

Gerard nodded. “Then we’ll take fifteen.”

“They’ll lower it to fourteen next year,” Korse pointed out. Ghoul could tell that the underlying tension had vanished from their voices. The argument was over. He couldn’t tell who had won.

“Yeah, but if we lower it to fourteen now, they’ll lower it to twelve next year,” Gerard said and shrugged.

Ghoul dared to look at Korse briefly. He was looking at Gerard in a way that seemed almost proud.

“Anyway, enough of the work talk.” Gerard sounded light and cheerful again and the way it seemed so easy for him to navigate between different emotions gave Ghoul whiplash. “Tell me something nice. How’s Mikey? Is that lady with the obnoxious perfume still waxing your head? Is it true that Sandra from hair and makeup is four months pregnant, although she only signed up for the Reproduction Program six weeks ago?”

“God, Gerard.” Korse shook his head. “That’s the first time I’m hearing about Sandra.”

Gerard waved it off. “For someone in charge of inner security, you’re always so out of the loop, sugar. Talking to you is absolutely pointless.”

“Mikey’s doing well though, I visited him yesterday.”

Gerard pressed his hand to his chest dramatically. “You visited him yesterday already? And I thought I was the favourite child.”

“At least your brother can hold a conversation without swearing like a smuggler from Zone three.” Korse was smirking. “Besides, I didn’t want to interrupt your honeymoon.”

“We might have asked you to join,” Gerard joked, dangerously close to pushing it too far in Ghoul’s opinion.

Korse got that look again, the one where he clearly pictured the things Gerard might be doing to Ghoul a little too vividly. It made Ghoul feel strangely protective.

Gerard reached for the fruit salad.

“I think you’ve had enough of that already,” Korse said. “The fruit sugar will make you put on weight.”

Gerard let go of the bowl immediately and somehow, it was the fact that he gave in so easily, that filled Ghoul with rage.

“Ya should let him eat,” he snapped. “’S good stuff, vitamins ‘n all. ‘S good ‘gainst scurvy.”

Korse’s eyebrows shot up in surprise and he looked at Ghoul with obvious amusement.

“Well, then,” he said and turned to Gerard. “Go ahead. We can’t risk scurvy.”

Ghoul felt like he was being made fun of and he growled low in the back of his throat.

Gerard crossed his arms in front of his chest. “You’re right. I’m not hungry anymore.”

It baffled Ghoul that he had not shied away from any argument today only to fold so easily when it came to his own body. He tried to shoot daggers at Korse with his eyes.

Korse seemed to notice, because he looked back and forth between him and Gerard. Ghoul knew that he shouldn’t have given himself away on Gerard’s behalf, but it just wasn’t right to tell him to stop eating. They made him feel like he deserved so little and like even that was conditional.

“I think your pet likes you, Gerard.”

“And as always, you’re the last to know, honey,” Gerard said and waved his hand dismissively. He was smiling, but it looked a little strained. “I’m extremely likeable.”

“You won’t fool him forever.” Korse turned to look at Ghoul and for the first time, he actually didn’t seem hostile. “Gerard here might be the most cold-blooded person in all of Battery City, you know?”

“And I have you to thank for that.” Gerard’s smile had turned thin.

“Don’t sell yourself short.” Korse’s eyes were on Gerard again and he looked as if he wanted to tear him limb from limb. “You were already a skilled manipulator when I found you.”

Ghoul felt himself growing cold, especially since Gerard returned Korse’s gaze so calmly. He thought of the way Gerard had helped him to contact Jet, of the Mad Gear songs he liked and how easy-going he could be. If he was trying to gain Ghoul’s trust, he was doing a shamefully good job. Ghoul just didn’t understand why Korse of all people should warn him.

“And yet I’m still learning from you.”

Korse smiled, weirdly approvingly as if Gerard had just called him out on something that Ghoul had missed.

“Anyway, I should get going. Enjoy your day off. The lube should be delivered later today.”

Korse pushed back his chair and Gerard got up as well.

“I’ll send Mikey over sometime next week to install a new intercom.”

“You’re the best.” Gerard blew him a kiss. The tension between them was completely gone, which led Ghoul to believe their little arguments were nothing new. They reminded him of play fights among young killjoys, where they would tackle each other and roll around in the desert sand. This was more complicated though. It went over his head.

“I’ll see you around when I drop him off,” Korse announced on his way to the door.

“Alright. Love you!” Gerard called after him. He didn’t get a reply today either.

Ghoul got up as soon as the door fell shut, starting to collect the leftover food on the table to put it into the fridge. Gerard watched him for a moment as if he was indecisive whether or not to offer his help.

“You know, he was just saying shit to make me look bad. He doesn’t want you to like me.” He finally grabbed some of the food to help Ghoul carry it back into the kitchen. “He wants me to be dependent on him, I mean emotionally.”

Ghoul made a small noise in the back of his throat. Gerard followed him into the kitchen.

“I don’t like him looking at ya,” he muttered while storing away things in the fridge. “I think he wants to fuck ya.” He paused his movements, thinking about Korse never playing along with Gerard’s flirting, although he was probably desperate enough to mean it. “But I’m not sure.”

“I think he’s not sure either.” Gerard giggled. “I try to keep him guessing.”

Ghoul frowned and fixed a smaller bowl for the leftover fruit salad, so it wouldn’t take up as much space in the fridge. Gerard leaned against the kitchen counter, watching Ghoul instead of collecting the dirty dishes from the dining table.

“I don’t understand your relationship. ‘S weird. What are ya to him?”

Gerard exhaled soundly. “It’s complicated, Ghoul.”

“Then explain it to me. Ya usually got big words for everything.”

Gerard tapped against the counter. “Hey, you wanna play a game? You have questions and I want to know more about you. We’ll play question and answer. We take turns asking questions and you have to reply quickly and you can’t lie, those are the rules. It was my favourite game growing up.”

Ghoul frowned harder. “Don’t see how that’d be a game,” he said and placed the fruit salad in the refrigerator. “How’d ya even win that?”

“You win when you’ve learned everything you wanted to learn and gave away none of your secrets,” Gerard said simply. “Come on, it’s fun.”

Ghoul turned around, eyeing Gerard suspiciously. It sounded like a trick to interrogate him. “What if I don’t wanna answer a question?” 

“You say next. I can keep asking questions until you answer one, only then it’s your turn again.”

Ghoul hesitated, then he shrugged. He did have questions after all and if Gerard crossed a line, he could just refuse to answer.

“Amazing, come on, we can clean up later.”

Gerard waved him over to one of the couches. He pulled up his legs, sitting cross-legged, so Ghoul was able to sit facing him. Gerard’s eyes were boring into him and it already made Ghoul uncomfortable.

“You can start, since it’s your first time,” Gerard offered.

Ghoul licked his lips. “So what are ya to Korse?” he asked. “Ya told me he’s your mentor, but what are ya to him?”

Gerard nodded approvingly. “Good distinction. He’s attracted to me. He also has genuine paternal feelings towards me since he took care of me as a teenager, which makes him feel very conflicted about his attraction.”

He was firing the information at Ghoul rapidly. He wished Gerard would slow down a little.

“You’ve got a romantic partner back in the Zones?”

Ghoul almost wanted to roll his eyes, because of course this was where Gerard had to take it. In a way, he was very single-minded.

“No. Have you ever met the Director in person?”

“A couple of times. Korse is right. She does not like me.” Gerard kept staring at him. “Do you currently have a crush on someone?”

Ghoul hesitated. He knew what Gerard hoped to hear, but he didn’t want to give him any false encouragement. Besides, he was supposed to tell the truth. He hadn’t had a crush on anyone back home in the Zones, and he certainly didn’t have a crush on Gerard, even though his stomach sometimes tingled weirdly when he wore that cheeky grin he was displaying right now.

“No,” he said.

“I’ve currently got a crush on someone,” Gerard said, looking straight at Ghoul.

Ghoul’s face was starting to feel hot. He wished Gerard would let it be for once.

“I didn’t ask,” he grumbled, wondering what kind of question to ask next. He should gather information that could help him escape Bat City, especially if he ever had to go up against Gerard.

“What’s your biggest weakness?”

“My brother.” Gerard really was good at replying quickly. “Men or women?”

Ghoul hesitated. He was taking much longer both with his replies and his questions and Gerard’s speed made him feel pressured.

“Both. Or neither. Doesn't really matter to me.”

Something flashed across Gerard’s face that wasn’t so much surprise as irritation.

“Biggest strength?”

Gerard grinned, turning his head to strike a pose. “My pretty face.”

“That ain’t a strength,” Ghoul protested.

“Of fucking course it is.” Gerard’s expression turned into a scowl. “It’s my biggest asset.”

“That can’t be true.”

“Well, you’re right.” Gerard broke into a wide grin again. “I got a pretty great ass, too.”

Ghoul gritted his teeth. “I meant like a skillset.”

“Then you should have asked more precisely, sweetheart. What’s your type in a romantic partner?”

Ghoul bared his teeth. His eyes kept darting past Gerard, because he found it hard to look at him directly for too long.

“Ain’t really got a type. ‘S ‘bout personality, y’know?”

Gerard nodded shortly. He looked displeased, but like he was blaming himself for phrasing the question too broadly.

“So what’s your biggest skill that can be weaponized?” Ghoul made sure to pick his words carefully this time, so Gerard wouldn’t just tell him about his tap-dancing skills or whatever.

“I’m good at getting people to do what I want. Korse was right about that too.” Gerard tilted his head. He wasn’t grinning quite as brightly anymore, but looked rather focused. “What quality do you find most attractive in another person?”

Ghoul obviously understood what Gerard was going for. He wanted to figure him out to become just what Ghoul wanted him to be.

“Honesty,” he said eventually, because it felt more specific than kindness. One could be kind for all sorts of reasons.

Gerard looked displeased for another moment, but he nodded anyway.

“Did they teach you how to fight at your Scarecrow training?”

“Yes.” Gerard’s grin turned wide and toothy again. When he smiled like this, it was hard to believe he could lie to anyone at all. “Have you ever been to an orgy?”

Ghoul groaned. “I haven’t and I ain’t planning to. How’s that so important to ya? You’re mighty focused on fucking, as if there ain’t bigger problems ‘round.”

“Because this is something I can actually solve.” Only when he replied did Ghoul realise that he had accidentally phrased it as a question. “And it’s not like there are a lot of questions I can ask that you would actually answer.”

Ghoul cast down his eyes, because he had to admit that Gerard was right. He wouldn’t talk about his life in any way that might give away his friends.

“I just don’t understand how ya can ignore what’s going on. Ya obviously don’t agree with what’s happening, so how can ya work for ‘em?”

“It’s my turn,” Gerard said a bit too sharply. “How did you get that scar on your cheek?”

“Bottleneck.” Ghoul spat the word out harshly. Gerard had obviously been meaning to make him uncomfortable by bringing up a painful memory, but to Ghoul it was just one of many incidents. Gerard would have to try harder to throw him off. “So?”

“If I don’t do it, someone else might do it worse,” Gerard said. “That’s how I can do it.”

He leaned back slightly, his expression already more relaxed again. “Perfect date idea?”

He seemed to have realised that unsettling Ghoul would only get him to withdraw. Ghoul had to give him credit for correcting his course quickly.

“Watching the sunset while blasting music ‘n smoking pot,” Ghoul said, smiling a little at the thought of the orange sunset over the desert, the hood of the Am warm underneath him and the boombox right by his side.

“You don’t agree with Bli’s politics, do you?” At least when it came to their drugs, Gerard seemed to have a pretty clear standpoint. The way he treated Ghoul also didn’t align with corporate values.

“I’m not going to discuss my personal beliefs with you, Ghoul,” Gerard said, not angry but very firm. “Next.”

Ghoul hummed, realising he had hit a dead end. Gerard would clearly block any further question regarding his politics, so it was better to stick to his original plan.

“Are you trained in close combat?”

“Yes.” Gerard’s lips twitched into a smirk and Ghoul could already tell that he wasn’t going to like his next question. “Which body part do you like best about me?”

Ghoul felt his cheeks heating up and he considered opting out of the question, but he didn’t want to waste his chance to ask something in return. Gerard was keeping his answers deliberately short.

“Your lips,” he said.

Gerard broke into a grin that looked bright enough to supply an entire hideout with power.

“On a scale from one to ten, how skilled are ya in close combat?”

“Four. What do you like about my lips?”

Ghoul stared into his lap, trying to look anywhere but at Gerard’s lips. He had only just licked them.

“You’re wearing a mask. Can’t see it, but ya wearing it anyway. Hides your eyes. But your lips give ya away. Can see it when you’re angry or tryna hide a smile.”

He dared to look up. Gerard was trying to hide his grin right now, biting his lip in an attempt to contain it.

“’S cute when ya bite ‘em like that,” Ghoul added, more heat rising to his face.

“I shouldn’t,” Gerard admitted and licked his lips again. “They’ll look sore.”

Ghoul cleared his throat hastily. “And on a scale from one to ten how good are ya with a gun?”

“Eight. So you haven’t thought about kissing me at all yet?”

Ghoul stared into his lap again. He wanted to lie, even though it was against the rules. He was afraid that Gerard could see right through him anyway. He really wished he hadn’t walked in on him in the shower this morning.

“Next,” he mumbled. That was obviously as good as confirming it, but at least he didn’t have to go through the humiliation of admitting it out loud.

“This really makes you uncomfortable,” Gerard observed. It was a statement, not a question. “You act like I’m bullying you. You know that you are absolutely gorgeous, don’t you?”

He fell quiet and Ghoul realised that it was actually a question – that Gerard was wasting one of his questions to ask him this. And he had no idea how to answer it. He didn’t feel gorgeous. Of course Gerard was self-confident with his perfect looks he was so desperate to maintain; he looked flawless and was on TV commercials all the time. They’d only put Ghoul’s face on a poster for Halloween costumes.

He let his scraggly hair fall into his face, trying to hide behind it somehow. He didn’t want to argue with Gerard, nor give him an excuse to pay him more stupid compliments.

“Next,” he said.

“You’re shy, aren’t you?”

Ghoul peeked up at Gerard. Shy was definitely not something he’d been called before.

“I don’t mean shy to speak your mind, you’re clearly not. But you get flustered easily.”

Ghoul shrugged. “Just makes me uncomfortable, y’know? Of course ya flirt with me, cause there ain’t anybody else around. But ya don’t know me proper yet. What’d ya even like ‘bout me?”

This time, he phrased it as a question on purpose, although he knew he was only wasting another opportunity to get useful information.

“I do know plenty fucking things about you already. I know that you don’t waste words, because you are very straight-forward. You are very genuine and would rather dodge a question than lie. You keep your guard up, but you’re quite goofy when you feel at ease. You have a short temper and will speak your mind, even if it’s inconvenient to you, because you have a very strong sense of justice. You don’t like it when someone is being treated unfairly or put down. You are very kind. You don’t trust me. You’re not even sure if you fucking like me, but you would rather risk your own safety than see me hurting. You care a whole fucking lot and you are not diplomatic about it at all, and I really like that a lot.”

Ghoul stared at him and suddenly he felt very naked and unprotected. Gerard had a way of acting careless and almost oblivious to his surroundings, but he had clearly observed Ghoul very closely since his arrival.

“Ya really learned a fucking lot ‘bout me already, it seems.” He scoffed and narrowed his eyes suspiciously.

“I’m sure you also learned a lot about me already. Think about it. What do you know about me?”

Gerard paused and only his silence made Ghoul realise that he had asked another question he was actually supposed to answer.

He thought about the fact that Gerard was clearly a lot rougher around the edges than his perfect image would suggest. How lonely he was and how desperate for positive attention. But he also thought about how quickly his mood could change, and how he managed to appear ignorant and spoiled while hiding things. He still wasn’t sure how much of Gerard was real and how much of it was just an act.

“You’re a damn good liar,” he said. “That’s the only thing I’m sure of.”

“I’m always telling the truth,” Gerard said. “At least enough of it to make it believable.”

Ghoul didn’t reply.

“What’s your favourite tattoo?” Gerard asked.

Ghoul hesitated, but then he unbuttoned the top of his shirt, pulling it to the side to expose the space above his heart. He tapped his finger against the image of the blazing flame and the word beneath it.

“Hope. ‘S important. ‘S what fuels the fire, y’know?”

Gerard nodded. He didn’t look greedy but rather curious as he eyed Ghoul’s chest. He buttoned up his shirt again quickly anyway.

“Where are we?” he asked, following a sudden impulse. “Within Bat City I mean.”

“That!” Gerard held up his hand excitedly as if he wanted to hand Ghoul a trophy or something. “Is finally a good question. District seven, living quarters close to the centre of the dome. Between 4 th and 2 nd street.”

Ghoul hadn’t expected Gerard to answer so honestly and it was good news he finally knew where exactly he was being held captive. It was also bad news, because he was so far away from the edges of the city.

“What do you miss most about the Zones?”

Ghoul thought about it for a moment. He felt himself relaxing slightly, now that he was finally getting somewhere.

“People,” he said. “I mean, I miss my friends, but mostly just people in general. Not being alone, y’know? Having someone to talk to all the time, the noise they make. Noise in general. ‘N smell, ‘n colours. Everything’s so white and bland here.”

Gerard nodded. He was no longer forcing himself to smile. His lips weren’t set in a tight, angry line though. He looked sad. Ghoul wondered if he’d ever seen colours, really seen them, so many of them in one place that it nearly made you go blind.

“Do you keep a Raygun or any other weapons ‘round the house?”

Gerard shook his head. “Just the Dracs outside are armed. How old were you when your parents died?”

Ghoul shrugged. “’Round five? Hardly remember ‘em. I just remember Jet’s ma ‘n pa. I was like thirteen when they got ghosted. They got Jet’s brothers, too, on that run.”

Gerard’s face softened and he looked sad again. He looked sorry for both Ghoul and Jet, like he could somehow make things easier by carrying their pain for them.

“I’m sorry about that,” he said.

“What’re ya hiding behind that locked door of yours?”

“Next.” Gerard didn’t hesitate for a second.

Ghoul nodded, thinking for another moment. “How’s the security at this place?”

“Four armed Dracs outside,” Gerard said. “No guards at the front door, but you need a keycard for the elevator. There’s surveillance at the corridor outside, so the moment you attack those Dracs, headquarters are alerted and the whole building gets shut down. The moment you draw attention, it will become impossible for anyone to leave the building. And they’ll send backup.”

Gerard paused. Once again, Ghoul hadn’t expected him to share the information so openly, provided he was telling the truth.

“Are you planning to leave?”

Ghoul looked up to meet Gerard’s eyes. Even if he refused to answer, his questions had already given him away anyway. He suddenly felt like he’d shared too many of his secrets, although Gerard’s questions had been mostly silly and pointless. At the same time, he didn’t feel like he had learned anything substantial about Gerard. He began to understand that the game wasn’t just about what you told with your answers, but also with your questions.

“I think I’m tired of playing this game,” he said.

“Yeah.” Gerard’s eyes still looked sad. If Ghoul tried to escape, he would either make it to the Zones, or they’d take him back to the facility. Gerard would lose him either way. “I think I’m tired of it, too.”

Chapter Text

His lighter isn’t working. He flicks it again and again, cowering in the dark while listening to the footsteps of the Drac on the other side of the door.

It was his idea to raid the old factory building, even though it’s too close to the city. Jet opted against it, because he’s more reasonable than Ghoul. He’s outside now, because Ghoul told him to get the car running while he would stay behind.

The car must have given them away in the first place. They are too close to the city and a surveillance camera must have picked up on the unusual movement. There are too many Dracs for it to be just a patrol. Ghoul counted six through the window, plus the Exterminator that’s with them. They know they are here. They are looking for them.

He flicks the lighter again, but it doesn’t work. He usually carries matches with him, but he used the last one yesterday to light himself a nic stick Pony had organised. Just on the day of a risky raid, he doesn’t have fucking matches on him.

Outside he hears the engine roar.

The plan was almost foolproof: Jet would sneak out and get the engine running while Ghoul set off a detonation. He’d light the fuse and follow Jet through the back door, jump in the Am and the bomb would blow up the room just as the Dracs entered. It would have bought them enough time to get a solid head start.

The steps pause on the other side of the door.

Ghoul could try to make a run for the backdoor anyway, hoping they’d get away even without a head start. The Am is fast. But he can’t hide while running and they’d shoot him in the back before he’d even reach the exit. All he can do is fight, but there’s seven of them and he won’t get all of them before they get him.

His eyes get teary and he bites his lip. He hopes that Jet won’t come running back when he hears the shots.

The door is yanked open and he keeps quiet, hand on his Raygun. Once he shoots, they’ll know where he is hiding. They might overlook him and walk by. But then they’ll find Jet outside, waiting for Ghoul instead of getting out of here to save himself while there is still time.

So Ghoul shoots. His aim isn’t the best and the light is dim. He only manages to get one of them before they start shooting back. One out of seven.

He ducks behind a nearby table. If it wasn’t for the table shielding him, they’d have gotten him already. He waits for a break in the rapid fire, so he can take aim again, but then someone is next to him already. He isn’t sure how they got there. He feels disoriented and scared. The sound of the Rayguns being fired is too loud, the lights keep flickering.

He has been in dangerous situations before and people have taken shots at him already, but never from up close. He’s scared. He’s so scared that he can’t breathe or think straight. 

His wrist is being kicked. It hurts and he drops his Raygun. He tries to reach for it again, but someone steps on his hand and kicks him in the back. It hurts.

He wants to reach his gun. If he reaches his gun, he can fire at the bomb he set down earlier, so it will go off. It will rip him to shreds so tiny, not even the Witch will recognise him when she comes to pick him up, but it doesn’t matter. Seven minus one is six and Jet is still out there.

He’s being grabbed and then a female voice that has to belong to the Exterminator says: “Get him up, we’re taking him outside.” 

Two Dracs pull him to his feet. Ghoul struggles. He scratches and tries to bite, he kicks and claws. All he wants is to get to his gun to set off a detonation. But he’s small and skinny and someone grabs his long hair and yanks back his head, so he will stop spitting and snapping. He still hisses and snarls like a wild animal, refusing to scream.

They drag him to the exit door and he fights every inch of the way, slowing them down even though their grip hurts and the world is starting to spin.

He has to blink rapidly when they open the door and pull him through, because it’s so much brighter outside. The sound of the engine is louder out here and after a moment he can see the Trans Am, so close it’s almost within reach. The engine is running and the passenger door is open, just waiting for Ghoul to hop inside.

He feels something cold pressing to his temple. He wonders if they are going to blow out his brains. Maybe it would be better than being taken. He’s as good as dead anyway.

“Get out of the car and drop your weapons, or we’ll shoot him,” the Exterminator yells.

He realises there are two options. Jet will do as he is told to save Ghoul’s life, they’ll capture both of them, brainwash them and feed them back to the ever hungry beast Bat City. Or Jet will do something reckless: try to shoot the Dracs before they can pull the trigger. It’s most likely going to get both of them killed.

Ghoul wishes Jet would do it anyway – that he would magically succeed, that Destroya would guide his hand and make every shot hit its target with lightning speed. He wants to scream and cry, he wants to be saved. Because Jet is the older one, who always looked out for Ghoul and he really wants to be looked after now. He doesn’t want to die.

But he knows that there is a third option and it’s the only feasible one. He was dead the moment he dropped his gun anyway.

So he puts on a brave face and yells: “Drive, motherfucker, drive!”

Because if Jet hits the gas now and doesn’t try to do anything stupid to save him, he might just get away.

The Am doesn’t move and Ghoul knows why. Because Jet is his older brother and he wants to save Ghoul. And even if he can’t save him, he doesn’t want him to die alone. He knows that if he cries out Jet’s name even once, he will get out of the car and surrender, so at least Ghoul won’t have to go through this by himself.

“Drive!” he yells again, before he is punched in the gut so hard he can’t breathe for a moment. He wants to cry out for Jet again, but he presses his lips shut and finally the sound of the engine changes as Jet slips the clutch.

“Fire!” the Exterminator shouts and the Dracs start firing their Rayguns, but when Ghoul looks up, he sees the Am driving off, the passenger door still swinging open. They hit it a few times, but Jet keeps driving and for a moment, Ghoul feels relief, before he is punched again.

“You, get in the car with me. You, take this one back to headquarters.”

Ghoul struggles and tries to free himself again, even though there is nowhere to go anymore. 

The Exterminator walks off and Ghoul is pushed to the ground. He tries to crawl away, but they kick him. They don’t have to kick him anymore, they already have him, but they do it anyway, for fun, or out of anger Bli infused them with and that they can’t control, or because they want to break him before his interrogation.

They keep kicking him until his back and his ribs and his stomach hurt so badly that he gives up on trying to crawl away and he curls up in a small ball instead. His face is pressed into the dirt, he is breathing in desert sand until it feels like it is clogging up his airways and he believes that he has to suffocate.

They’ll take him back to headquarters now. They’ll hurt him more, and then they’ll make him forget who he is or where he came from. They’ll make him forget about Jet.

He hears tires screeching and he prays to the Witch that she will be on Jet’s side today. Maybe they’ll get him. Maybe he got both of them killed because he wanted to do this fucking raid and because his fucking lighter wasn’t working and because he used up his last fucking match the other day.

He is crying and whimpering. Everything hurts. He probably got Jet killed. He can’t breathe. The air is dry and sandy and his lungs hurt too badly to inhale deeply.

“Jet,” he whimpers, because it doesn’t matter anymore. Jet can’t hear him anymore, he won’t come back. It’s alright to cry for him now. Ghoul really wishes Jet was here right now. “Jet, I’m sorry, Jet.”

The words feel like he is choking on them. He needs to inhale, but no air is getting through. He’ll die. He’ll die here on the dirty desert ground, not knowing if Jet is safe.

“Wake up,” someone says. “Hey, Ghoul, wake up.”

A hand grabs his shoulder and he tries to pull away, convinced it’s one of the Dracs trying to pull him up. His own sudden movement startles him and he jolts into a sitting position, gasping for air.

At first, he couldn’t recall where he was. The room was dark and the surface underneath him was soft. He remembered the cell they had taken him to. He had to be at the facility still. Any moment now they would come back and they would continue hurting him, asking about his friends. He couldn’t take the pain anymore. They might tell him they had caught Jet in the meantime.

“Jet,” he whimpered, half reflex and half a question.

“It’s alright, sugar. He’s alright. He’s safe. He got away, remember?” the gentle voice coaxed him. It was high and sweet and Ghoul wanted to believe in its words, wanted to let this kind voice guide him through it all.

A hand was touching his back again, rubbing light, soothing circles into it.

Ghoul allowed himself to lean into the touch. He was slowly coming back to himself. The bed underneath him was soft and he remembered that he was no longer at the facility. He was at an apartment now. They had taken him here and he was living with Gerard now and Gerard was friendly and wouldn’t hurt him, so he was safe and he had talked to Jet and Jet was safe, too.

He inhaled deeply, finally able to control his own breathing again. He felt dizzy and his lungs hurt as if he really had been close to suffocating. The flashback had felt so real. He’d known that the terrors would hit eventually, but they hadn’t been this intense in years.

“Jet’s safe. You’re safe, honey. No one’s gonna hurt you.”

Gerard kept rubbing his back. The pyjamas were clinging to Ghoul’s skin, damp with sweat. He had no idea what time it was.

Slowly he let himself sink back into the pillows. His heart was still pounding rapidly, but it was beginning to calm down as he focused on his breathing.

“Did I wake ya?” he asked. His throat hurt and he sounded hoarse.

He heard Gerard rustling next to him. The warmth of his body was soothing, but he had stopped touching Ghoul’s shoulder. Ghoul wished he could ask him to keep going without sounding needy.

“You were screaming,” Gerard said quietly. It was so dark in the room that Ghoul couldn’t even make out his silhouette. “Crying out for Jet.”

“Yeah, I …” Ghoul cleared his throat, which still felt too dry. “I had a nightmare.” He swallowed. The word wasn’t quite doing it justice. “Was like a flashback. ‘S felt very real.”

“Yeah,” Gerard said. “I used to get these too. Sometimes I still do.”

His voice was very quiet. The whisper made it sound extremely soft. Ghoul hadn’t expected Gerard to be familiar with nightmares. They felt like something that had no place in Bat City.

“Used to have these a lot after Jet’s family got ghosted,” he mumbled. “Lots of people in the Zones do. We call ‘em the terrors.”

He heard Gerard shifting in the dark. He sounded very awake and Ghoul wondered for how long he had already tried to wake him. He himself felt so shaken, he doubted he would be able to go back to sleep anytime soon.

“What do you usually do when you get the terrors?” Gerard asked.

Ghoul shrugged, although Gerard couldn’t see him.

“Ya wake someone. Someone to talk to. ‘N then they hold ya until ya fall back asleep, so ya feel safe.” He wished he could go and wake Jet. He would wrap his arms around him and Ghoul wouldn’t feel as lonely anymore.

Gerard hummed quietly. “You can talk to me. What was it about?”

Ghoul exhaled soundly through his nose. “T’was when they grabbed me, y’know? T’was my fault. My fucking lighter broke. Told Jet to leave, but I just wanted him to come back ‘n get me.” 

For some reason, he was whispering too, mimicking Gerard’s hushed voice. When he said it out loud, the images came flooding back: feeling scared and desperate and guilty for not being able to handle any of it on his own.

“Don’t wanna talk ‘bout it though.” He just wanted to lie here and listen to Gerard’s voice until his heartbeat finally returned to a normal rate. “What did ya dream ‘bout?” he asked. “When ya got the terrors?”

“The day they deported our parents, mostly,” Gerard said. There was a vulnerability in his voice that Ghoul had never noticed before, as if it only came out when the sun set.

He had never thought about Gerard’s parents before, or why he had lived with Korse for a while. He knew that citizens sometimes got deported and reprogrammed if they didn’t follow Bli’s regulations properly. They never returned to their old lives as far as he knew. He had no idea what happened to the families they left behind.

“How old were ya?” he wanted to know. He was surprised Gerard was sharing this with him so openly, but then Ghoul hadn’t really made an effort to ask about his backstory so far.

“Just turned fifteen.” Ghoul felt like he was on the verge of piecing something important together. “They came to our house, you know? A whole fucking squad. They took them both. They knocked out dad straight away, but mum kept fighting to get to us. They had to sedate her. They rammed that needle right into her fucking neck and she went completely still. I kept dreaming about that a lot. The moment she went limp, the fucking needle. Sometimes I would dream I was the one being sedated. They’d pierce me with the fucking needle and I wouldn’t be able to move at all anymore, I just had to lie there and watch. Fucking needles.”

Gerard fell quiet.

“Shit,” Ghoul said. He wished there was more to say, but he knew that words never really lessened the pain.

“I just wanted to run after them.” Gerard sighed. He sounded lost in thought. “No idea what I would have done. Fought the Dracs with my bare hands? I don’t know.”

“You were a kid,” Ghoul said softly. He imagined Gerard standing by helplessly as they took his parents.

“A kid would have cried and tried to get to his parents, no?” Gerard sounded weirdly bitter.

Ghoul hesitated. “Then what did ya do?”

“I chatted up the executing Exterminator and talked him into taking Mikey and me home with him.” Gerard’s voice was dry and determined in a way Ghoul couldn’t quite place.

“Damn,” he said. He thought about what Korse had said about Gerard having been a manipulator from the day he had met him. He had only been fifteen. Seizing the opportunity had gotten him far.

“Later the terrors were mostly about the Scarecrow training,” Gerard carried on.

“What was that like?” Ghoul wasn’t sure if he really wanted to hear about it. But he felt that if he didn’t ask now while they were whispering in the dark, he would never get an answer to the question.

“They made us hurt people, you know?” Gerard said, very quietly. “They brought in kids from the Zones for us to interrogate. Mostly poor teens who didn’t know shit about anything. I think they knew that. They knew they had nothing to tell us. We just had to prove we were able to do it. I dreamt of that all the fucking time.”

Even in the dark, he heard Gerard swallow. Ghoul knew that he should despise him for hurting these kids, for hurting people who could have been his friends. But Gerard had only been a teenager himself. His voice sounded full of grief. He had finished the Scarecrow training faster, younger and better than anyone else. Ghoul had no idea what that meant.

He fought the urge to reach out to Gerard. He wasn’t sure which of them the touch was supposed to comfort. A part of him wished he hadn’t asked. He had meant for Gerard to distract him from his own memories, but his stories were only making him feel sick.

“So what did ya do when ya got the terrors?” he changed the topic. “To calm yourself?”

“There’s drones outside, you know?” Gerard said abruptly. Ghoul felt confused about where he was going with this. “To make sure every citizen gets their regulated hours of sleep. So they can work efficiently. There will be consequences if you don’t. They’ll increase your mediation, or reprogram you in the worst case. I’m off the hook now. But I wasn’t back then. Usually, I would just lie very still. I would try not to make any noise that might wake someone, and I would try to breathe very shallowly, pretending to still be asleep until morning.”

Ghoul felt a sharp pain in his chest. His heart was breaking for Gerard all over again.

He pictured him lying in the dark, his heart still racing from the terrors, trying to keep perfectly still, scared that he might be found out. Ghoul tended to think of Gerard as spoiled and ignorant. He had never experienced true hunger and had probably never been in a fight. But out in the Zones, you could at least wake someone and ask to be held when the terrors hit. In Bat City, waking up was as scary as the terrors themselves.

“Sounds fucking awful,” Ghoul said, his voice still lowered.

He wondered if that was why Gerard had been whispering this whole time – if it was a force of habit from having to conceal it whenever he woke up at night.

“Well, the Zone way sure sounds nicer,” Gerard agreed. Ghoul had expected to hear longing in his voice, but he sounded almost sarcastic, as if he didn’t quite believe in the concept of physical comfort.

Ghoul wished someone would hold him right now. He missed physical touch. He felt so lonely in his skin.

“We could try it, y’know?” he mumbled. He wasn’t just asking for himself. He wished he could hold the scared teenager Gerard had once been to let him know he didn’t have to do everything by himself. He wanted him to know that there was no reason to sound so sarcastic about it. It was probably stupid to care that much, but Ghoul couldn’t help it. He really couldn’t stand seeing others hurting, no matter who they were.

Gerard stayed silent for an uncharacteristically long time.

“You mean it?”

Ghoul scoffed. “If ya manage not to be weird ‘bout it, that is. It ain’t an invite to get handsy.” He paused. “But ya can hold me if ya want.”

He rolled over, turning his back on Gerard demonstratively, as if it was all the same to him. He held his breath though, wondering what Gerard would do.

After a moment, Gerard started moving behind him and the blanket was lifted as he snuck closer. His touch was very hesitant, as if he was scared to hurt Ghoul.

“Sorry,” he mumbled. “I’m excited. I like you so much. I won’t do anything.”

He no longer sounded sad, but he also didn’t sound as giddy or naughty as Ghoul would have expected. He sounded embarrassed and somewhat shy.

He placed his arm around Ghoul’s waist, moving in until his chest was touching Ghoul’s back. His body felt warm, frail and bony. He deliberately kept his hips away from Ghoul, seemingly scared to poke him with an inappropriate boner. It was weirdly endearing: not just the fact that he was clearly trying not to make him uncomfortable, but also that just being so close to each other would get him excited.

Ghoul knew that it was just Gerard’s lack of options that made him so interested, but it was still flattering to be wanted like this. Ghoul had hooked up plenty of times before, but out in the desert, each hook-up might be the last and a lot of joys weren’t picky when they got along with someone. Ghoul didn’t think of himself as especially attractive, but Gerard’s attention was making him feel desirable.

“’S okay, I trust you,” he muttered and grabbed Gerard’s arm to pull him closer, forcing him to hold Ghoul a little tighter. He realised that he meant it. At least he trusted Gerard that he wouldn’t touch him without permission.

Gerard seemed to hesitate before he eased into Ghoul’s grip, relaxing against him and burying his face against the back of his neck. His embrace remained firm though, his arm too tense as if he was scared Ghoul might slip away otherwise.

“I’ll keep you safe tonight,” he whispered against his neck. He inhaled a few times as if he wasn’t sure whether to shut up or continue talking. “I’ll keep you safe, Ghoulie.” There was something desperate in his voice. “I can protect you, if you stay. No one will hurt you again. You will never have to run again. You’ll never be hungry again.”

His voice was barely audible, but it sounded like a plea. He sounded genuinely scared, as if it pained him to let Ghoul out of sight, because then he wouldn’t be able to protect him anymore. Ghoul knew that if he stayed, Gerard would keep his promise. He’d never have to hide again, no one would ever point a gun at him again, the fridge would always be full and the water would always run. And Gerard would ask for nothing in return. More than wanting to be loved, he wanted to love someone. All Ghoul would have to do was let him.

He shut his eyes in the dark, pretending he hadn’t heard Gerard.

They lay in silence for a while. He felt Gerard’s chest heaving, his breath coming too hard and unevenly. Ghoul heard him inhaling against his shoulder, as if he wanted to breathe in the sensation of another body in his arms. His grip still hadn’t relaxed and a small, choked noise was only barely muffled against Ghoul’s neck.

“Are ya crying?” Ghoul asked.

Gerard exhaled. He could sense his warm breath against his ear.

“No,” he said.

Ghoul put his hand on Gerard’s arm in front of his body, running it up and down soothingly. The embrace was finally making him feel calm and sleepy again, even though it was awkward and unfamiliar, too. There was too much despair in the way Gerard clung to his body.

“’S okay,” Ghoul said. He wished he had better words to comfort Gerard. “Ya can cry if ya want. ‘S no shame in feeling things.”

He wondered when Gerard had last touched someone else like this. They weren’t just hugging, they were cuddling, forced to endure the touch of another human being and let it sink in. To Ghoul it felt soothing, as if he was finally getting ointment for a sunburn that had bothered him for weeks. His skin felt almost sore where Gerard was touching him. But there was a fair chance Gerard hadn’t experienced this since childhood. Maybe he was so touch starved, that it felt like the radiation had burned the skin off his bones. Maybe he felt like an open wound where they were touching.

“’S alright now,” Ghoul mumbled, because Gerard was still making small hiccup noises. He lowered his head, pressing a short, dry kiss to the back of Gerard’s hand where it was resting against his breastbone. Gerard made another startled noise that hurt Ghoul as if the pain was his own. No one should be made to feel this way, ever. “’S alright,” he repeated. “I’m here now. I’m here.”

Chapter Text

Ghoul was producing saltpetre in the kitchen. He’d cut open the ice packs Gerard had brought home for him the other day and had heated up the ammonium nitrate they contained combined with sodium-free salt he’d ordered.

He felt silly wearing white cleaning gloves that went all the way up to his elbows, but at the same time, it made him feel like a real scientist. He would probably have been good at working as a chemist in one of Bli’s labs if they had decided to reprogram him.

There was something very calming about having to get the mixing ratio just right and the satisfaction when it worked as planned was truly unmatched. He was proud that no one had taught him this stuff. Most of it had been trial and error after Jet had brought home a chemistry book from one of his raids shortly after his family had taken Ghoul in. Out in the Zones, they practised an oral tradition when it came to storytelling and there had been no children’s books around to teach Ghoul how to read. He was still a bad reader to this day, but he had more chemical formulae remembered than anyone else in the desert.

He drained off the liquid into a container he had found in one of the cabinets. Now he only had to cool it, waiting for the crystals to form. He’d keep the container in the back of the fridge, hoping that Gerard wouldn’t find it. He tended not to pay much attention to the insides of their fridge anyway and he hadn’t questioned any of Ghoul’s purchases so far either.

Gerard had already been gone in the morning when Ghoul had woken up, which wasn’t unusual per se, but Ghoul was surprised he hadn’t startled him when leaving, since they had been snuggled up together. He had fallen back asleep surprisingly quickly in Gerard’s arms last night and his sleep had been deep enough that he didn’t feel exhausted in spite of the terrors.

It almost felt as if their conversation had been nothing but a dream as well. It seemed surreal to think that Gerard had really told him these personal things and that he had been crying quietly against Ghoul’s back. It just didn’t feel right that he would have left after that in the morning, as if nothing had changed between them. Ghoul wasn’t sure how to feel about any of it and he doubted that he would until he saw Gerard again.

He checked the clock. He still had plenty of time until Gerard would get home and nothing to do in the meantime. The only thing left for him to do was to try and break open the door Gerard kept locked, but at this point, it felt like a violation of his trust that he seemed to give away so irritatingly freely. Ghoul also simply didn’t know how to go about it, since he wasn’t ready yet to set off a proper detonation.

He went to the living room and sat down on the couch. The apartment was eerily quiet.

He eyed the radio. Getting in touch with Jet was always an unnecessary risk, in case Bli was listening in on them and trying to locate him. But he felt lonely and bored and he hadn’t talked to him yet without Gerard being around.

So he got up and fixed the transmitter he had stored away in the closet in the bedroom. It wasn’t a great hiding spot, but at least it was out of plain sight.

He switched on the radio and sat down on the floor. Sitting on the floor felt better than sitting on the soft, clean, fancy couch. It felt more like home.

“Jet?” He paused. “Jet, come in please.”

He had to wait for a few minutes and try several times, before Jet answered. The signal was somewhat clearer than the last time and he really hoped that didn’t mean Jet had moved closer to the city after Ghoul had contacted him. It would be like him though.

“Ghoul, thank the Witch.”

Ghoul chuckled at the relief in Jet’s voice, as if he’d just been resurrected from the dead a second time.

“Told ya I was gonna stick ‘round,” he said.

“Can ya talk?” Jet wanted to know.

“The line ain’t safe, but Gerard ain’t home, if that’s whatcha asking.”

Ghoul moved to rest his back against the couch.

“So what’s his deal?” Jet asked.

“Complete zany,” Ghoul said. “City fucked him up good.”

“But he’s not …?”

“No,” Ghoul interrupted, before Jet could finish the sentence. “He wanted to, y’know? Convinced himself t’was romance like in the pictures ‘n Bli was playing matchmaker. He’s not all there in the head, not when it comes to feelings anyway. But I told him no ‘n he’s respecting that.”

He knew that it didn’t sound very convincing if he put it into words like that. He wished there was a way to describe the loneliness behind Gerard’s eyes.

“’N he’s letting ya talk to me?” Jet sounded suspicious.

Ghoul fumbled with the hem of his shirt.

“He wants me to like him, y’know? I think that’s all he really wants.”

“Ya know ya can’t trust him,” Jet said, a little sterner than was usual for him. He knew Ghoul’s habit of caring too much.

“Yeah, I don’t,” Ghoul assured him. “But he won’t hurt me, Jet. He’s not like that. He’s lonely. He ain’t exactly a straight bullet, so they wouldn’t let him have relations, just ‘em droids.” He paused. “Last night I got the terrors. Asked him to hold me ‘n he started crying. Should nobody cry like that, ‘cause no one held ‘em in so long.”

He expected the words to have some kind of impact on Jet, for him to really understand how dire the situation was and how likely it would be for Gerard to feel desperate enough to take reckless risks.

“Ya asked him to hold ya?” Jet asked instead, sounding utterly baffled.

Ghoul realised that Jet didn’t know Gerard. He had to picture some kind of city sleaze, high on pills and conformity.

“He ain’t like that,” Ghoul said. “He’s nice ‘n witty. Just complicated, y’know?”

Jet stayed silent long enough for Ghoul to replay the words in his head.

“Ya not going on holidays all the way to Stockholm, are ya, Ghoul?”

Ghoul winced. “It ain’t like that. He’s just charming, ‘kay?” Weirdly enough, his vulnerability took nothing away from that charm. Ghoul thought of Gerard’s quiet whispers in the dark, of the teenage boy who had to watch his parents being deported without being able to stop it. Maybe he just had a weakness for the broken.

“’N pretty,” Jet added.

It didn’t sound like a question, but like an accusation. Ghoul licked his lips.

“I didn’t say that.”

“But ya think so?”

Ghoul tried very hard not to think of Gerard under the shower, not of his perfectly smooth skin, not of the way he had moved closer only hesitantly last night, because being close to Ghoul excited him and not about the way he had looked at the tattoos on his arms when they had first met – as if Ghoul’s body was something precious that deserved the time to be worshipped. He tried not to think of the queasy feeling in his stomach when Gerard smiled like he really meant it. He knew that Gerard’s prettiness mattered. He knew that he was flattered that someone this beautiful might want him.

“This ain’t ‘bout me. Anyone can see he’s pretty, even underneath a mask. I ain’t falling for it though. Don’t ya worry.”

Jet sighed. He sighed like this when he didn’t believe Ghoul. It made Ghoul miss him terribly.

“Just be careful, Ghoul.”

Ghoul rolled his eyes, but he was smiling. “Ya know me,” he said, which must have been exactly why Jet was worrying.

“How come ya didn’t get a reboot?” Jet asked.

Ghoul exhaled. “’S ‘cause of Gerard. He wanted someone to talk to. He ain’t drugged, ‘cause they need him sharp for his fat rat Scarecrow job.”

There was a moment of silence.

“Ya didn’t mention he’s a Crow,” Jet said slowly. Ghoul expected him to blow up, to lecture him about trust and safety and about who the enemy was. But instead, he burst out laughing. Jet had a laugh that was high and giddy and way too soft for the tough life in the Zones.

“Wait ‘til the news make it ‘round the Zones. Fun Ghoul’s snuggling up to a Crow, fucking nesting with ‘em.”

It was indeed so absurd to think about, that Ghoul broke into a giggling fit as well. He really was cuddling up to a Crow at night.

“His fucking bed, though, Jet? Ya wouldn’t believe that shit. ‘S like sleeping on clouds. So soft, it’s out of this world.”

“Shit, Ghoul, you’re living the city life now.”

“I’ve taken baths, Jet. A tub full of hot water just for me to sit in ‘n do fucking nothing, soaking in there like I’m fucking oatmeal. ‘S amazing, like you’re floating, but it’s warm like ya ma’s hugging ya, ‘cause the water’s all ‘round ya.”

Jet chuckled at his excitement.

“’N I’ve eaten strawberries. Real fucking fruit, but sweet like candy. I order new ones every day ‘n they deliver ‘em right up to my doorstep, like I’m royalty. Ya wouldn’t believe the life ‘em city folks are living.”

Jet laughed harder. “’N there I was picturing ya with your skin turned inside out, while you’ve been living the sweet life.”

Ghoul fell silent. As always, Jet could read his silence, too.

“They hurt ya bad?” He clearly tried to sound mature about it, but Ghoul could tell that the thought pained him.

“Not too bad. Didn’t want to damage me too much before passing me along. Didn’t tell ‘em anything.”

“I know,” Jet said. If Ghoul had given away their location, they would have been ghosted by now.

“That Gerard fella better be taking care of ya. I know what he looks like.”

Ghoul giggled, grateful they weren’t dwelling on the topic.

“I know we can’t talk ‘bout it, but …”

“I’m close,” Jet said.

Ghoul closed his eyes, trying to keep them from tearing up by sheer power of will. Jet must have set up camp right outside the city, someplace where the Runners hung out, the ones who didn’t know where to go. They were the ones who usually got picked back up by Bli.

“I’m at the fucking city centre,” he said. “I’ve even got a view.”

“Ya got anything else?” Jet wanted to know.

“I’ve been cooking up some of my specialities. Gotta make due. Can’t leave the apartment though. Four Dracs outside and I ain’t got a fucking keycard.”

Jet stayed silent for a moment. They couldn’t talk about dates or locations.

“Any way to get a keycard?”

“Thought of asking Gerard. But he won’t get it for me. Would be stupid.”

“Ya can’t convince him?”

Ghoul couldn’t quite read Jet’s tone.

“He ain’t that city blind.”

“I’m just saying. Think of the trade in the Zones. If ya want something, ya gotta offer something in return. Ya got nothing he wants?”

Ghoul swallowed, staring at the plain white wall ahead. “He wants me,” he said.

Jet didn’t reply right away as if he wanted Ghoul to draw his own conclusion first.

“I’m not saying ya should bust your knees for him. But ya could try being a little nice. A touch here ‘n there to make him think he’s getting somewhere. It won’t hurt ya.”

Ghoul understood what Jet was suggesting. He knew that Ghoul wasn’t diplomatic. He knew that he was growling and snarling instead of flirting and smiling, even though the latter would get him much further. He wasn’t suggesting for Ghoul to actually offer up his body. He would never tell him to do that.

And yet Ghoul imagined it: getting down on his knees in front of Gerard to repay him for the keycard. He imagined wrapping his mouth around Gerard’s cock while he sat right here on the couch. Ghoul knew exactly what he would sound like - breathless and desperate. He would fist his hands into the cushions, because he’d want to hold on to something, but he would be far too polite to grab Ghoul’s hair. He wouldn’t last long.

“What if I wanna?” he asked quietly, feeling ashamed of the question. But Jet was the one person he could actually confide in. “Bust my knees for him?”

“Ghoul.” Jet sounded agonised. “Ya gotta keep a gun in the holster, but …”

“… a knife in the boot.” Ghoul sighed. “I know that, Jet, I know.” It meant he was always supposed to withhold something that could give him the upper hand in an emergency. And currently, Ghoul didn’t have a lot to withhold, except for himself. He had to be careful with his resources.

“’N, y’know, don’t get attached. ‘S easy to like the thing that keeps ya safe.”

Ghoul hummed. He assumed that it really was tempting to get attached to Gerard, because their relationship was what kept him safe and he benefitted from being liked by him.

“Well, I’ll try to be nice. ‘N to get that keycard.” Ghoul looked at the radio. “How are we gonna figure this out?” he asked.

He meant the escape, since they couldn’t plan it over the radio.

“I’ll think of something,” Jet promised. “Just pack your bags.” It didn’t sound like he had a plan yet.

“Yeah.” Ghoul knew that they couldn’t stay on the radio all day. He wished he’d receive Dr. D’s radio broadcast at least to help him keep his sanity. “You should probably get going.”

It wasn’t just a turn of phrase. It was probably safer for Jet to change his location after this, just in case someone was tracking his signal.

“Yeah. Whatcha gonna do?”

“Gonna start cooking. So dinner’s ready when Gerard gets home.”

“Shit.” Jet laughed. “Ya playing match for real, yeah?”

“I like cooking. ‘S fun. They got this fridge here, yeah? Imagine this. It recommends ya recipes when ya buy something. And tells ya what else ya need to buy for it. All healthy ‘n shit to make sure the city folks eat healthy ‘n keep buying.”

“That’s batshit,” Jet commented.

“Most recipes suck ass, ya gotta fix ‘em up. Is like building a bomb. Ya got the basics and then ya figure out how to turn it into a bang. ‘S fun.”

Jet chuckled. “Whatcha making?”

“Savoury pancakes. Ya gotta stuff ‘em and put ‘em in the oven. Gerard mentioned liking pancakes for breakfast, so I thought he’d like to try ‘em when they’re not sweet, y’know?”

Jet’s silence was very telling. He shouldn’t have mentioned that Gerard had brought up the pancakes.

“Ya told me to be nice,” he added defensively, although Jet hadn’t criticised him.

“Yeah, just don’t forget why you’re doing it.”

If he was honest, Ghoul was mostly doing it, because he hoped to make Gerard smile. That was probably not the answer Jet wanted to hear, though.

“I miss ya,” he said. It would be easier to stay level-headed if Jet was around. Or Jet could just stay level-headed for both of them and Ghoul could be reckless and get overly attached to pretty boys with sad eyes.

“Miss ya too,” Jet said. “’N good luck with the pancakes.”

He cut the connection without saying goodbye and Ghoul got up. It was still kind of early to start cooking, but he wanted to take his time and he had nothing better to do anyway. He wished Gerard would come home for lunch as well.

Making the pancakes was pretty fun. He only butchered the first one by throwing it into the air and not catching it in the pan properly. He stuffed it anyway, because he didn’t like wasting food. He used a lot more cheese for the filling than the recipe suggested.

The food was in the oven when the front door finally fell shut. Ghoul was looking forward to Gerard coming home, even if all he did was chat about workplace drama, but it was company at least.

“Fuck, this smells delicious again,” Gerard announced as he entered the kitchen. His hair was slicked back and Ghoul searched his face for signs of tiredness that would betray he had been woken up last night, but his smile was as cheerful and bulletproof as always. “What are we having?”

“Pancakes,” Ghoul mumbled and looked down at his feet. Jet’s reaction to his dinner plans had made him grow self-conscious. “Savoury ones, I mean. I thought, since, y’know, ya didn’t get to have pancakes the other day.”

“Aw, Ghoulie.” Gerard’s voice was soft and tender. He leaned against the kitchen counter. The pancakes still needed to stay in the oven for another ten minutes. “I don’t deserve you.”

“How was your day?”

Gerard shrugged. For some reason, Ghoul found it hard to look at him directly. He remembered the warmth of Gerard’s body seeping through the back of his pyjamas. He didn’t know why he was the one who felt embarrassed.

“Long,” Gerard said. “There are new regulations about daylight saving hours and we’re trying to come up with an explanation as to why that improves the living standards of each citizen and doesn’t just save power for the fucking company.”

He suppressed a yawn. Ghoul immediately felt guilty.

“And how was your day? You’re not going insane yet, are you? I would offer to get you an electric puppy or something, but I’m pretty fucking sure they spy on their owners. Maybe some books? Though the shit that gets approved by Bli is pretty damn unreadable. I should know. I oversee the fucking publications.”

“I’m good,” Ghoul mumbled. Only then did he stop to think about it. “Actually, are there like … cookbooks? The recipes on the fridge are kinda shit.”

Gerard frowned, but it looked worried rather than displeased.

“You don’t have to do that, Ghoulie. I’ll eat whatever.”

Ghoul shrugged. “‘S pretty fun, y’know? Mixing stuff to create something new. I like that.”

“Fuck, I’m glad.” Gerard laughed quietly and touched his forehead. He seemed to relax slightly. “I felt really bad asking you to cook, you know?” He granted Ghoul a lopsided grin.

Ghoul tried to look as harmless as possible. 

“’S just one problem. I gotta plan ahead. Groceries only get delivered when you’re home. I can’t open the fucking door to take ‘em.”

Gerard bit his bottom lip. It looked troubled, but also kind of cute. Ghoul tried not to think about how cute it looked.

“Yeah, I’m sorry about that. I know it sucks.”

Ghoul shifted his weight from one foot to the other. He wasn’t good at this. He wasn’t good at being cunning.

“Any chance I’m gonna get one of those keycards?” he asked bluntly.

Gerard looked pained, and like he had really hoped Ghoul wouldn’t ask.

“Listen, Ghoulie, I get it. Honestly, I don’t want to give you a keycard. I’m scared you’ll do something stupid and get yourself killed. But I also think no human being should be locked up like an animal. I’d give you that keycard if I could. But there is no fucking way Korse would sign off on it. It’s not my decision.”

Ghoul glanced up at Gerard, trying to determine whether he was telling the truth or just making up excuses, so he didn’t have to be the bad guy.

“Can’t ya try to convince him?” he asked. “I think ya could if ya wanted to.”

“He’s not going to agree,” Gerard insisted and turned, pretending to gaze into the oven, but clearly avoiding to look at Ghoul. He seemed to feel guilty.

Ghoul decided to speak before he could think any better of it.

“If ya get me that keycard, I’ll teach ya how to kiss.”

Gerard turned his head slowly, tilting it to the side as he studied Ghoul. He looked curious, intrigued and slightly puzzled. There was also a small line of worry showing at the root of his nose.

“Was I not doing it right?” he asked and the question sounded genuine and just ever so slightly embarrassed, too.

Ghoul immediately felt his face flushing hot. He knew that he shouldn’t feel bad, but he still wished he could take back his words. He hadn’t meant to make Gerard feel ashamed for something he simply hadn’t known.

“That’s not it,” he said hastily. “’S usually just different, y’know?”

Gerard nodded, pretending to be serious. “I thought there should have been more tongue,” he said earnestly, before breaking into a cheeky grin, but his joking attitude was clearly aimed to distract from his insecurity, so Ghoul couldn’t bring himself to laugh.

“’S not your fault. I just didn’t reciprocate, y’know? ‘S different when you’re kissing each other.”

“Right,” Gerard said and his voice no longer sounded embarrassed but outright guilty. “I should have noticed that, I guess.”

His cheeks turned slightly pink. Ghoul felt bad for him.

“’S alright,” he said. “We’ll do it right this time.”

Gerard shook his head, avoiding to meet Ghoul’s eyes. “You don’t have to. I don’t want to make you.”

Ghoul almost wanted to kiss him right then and there, just so he would stop feeling bad about it.

“’S just a kiss,” he said. “You get me the keycard, and I’ll teach ya. ‘S alright with me.”

He caught Gerard’s eyes flickering down to his lips and all he could think about was the scar on his cheek and how absolutely zany it was that Gerard looked at him as if he was a well that never ran dry.

“I can’t get you the keycard,” Gerard said and inhaled deeply. Then he closed his eyes. “But I can get one for the Dracs outside. I’ll instruct them to knock and let themselves in if there is a delivery.”

He opened his eyes again. Today, the hazel looked more golden than green.

Ghoul figured that he would be able to work with that, even if it wasn’t ideal. He’d only have to order groceries to open the door. And it might even be convenient to take out the first Drac inside the apartment. He could take their keycard on the way out to use for the elevator.

“We’ll definitely get that approved. I had to fight tooth and nail so they wouldn’t have a card in the first place.”

Ghoul realised how uncomfortable it would be to have a Drac potentially coming into your apartment at any time. It was already weird enough to him that Korse owned a keycard. Bli didn’t leave its citizens with a lot of privacy and he felt like he was asking Gerard to give up what little he had. Ghoul would definitely have to be more careful in the future, too. He couldn’t rely on the Dracs to knock.

“Maybe it’s not a good idea,” he admitted. “Ya don’t have to do that.”

Gerard shook his head firmly. “No, the situation has changed. It’s more convenient this way. It might take a couple of days though. I need to talk to Korse first.”

Ghoul scratched the back of his head, feeling bad for causing Gerard this much trouble, although he objectively knew that he shouldn’t make it his problem.

“What are ya gonna tell him?”

Gerard shrugged. “I’m gonna ask for a keycard for you. I’m gonna be fucking annoying about it, until he sees an opportunity and suggests giving a keycard to the Dracs. I’m gonna fight and argue before I give in. I’m gonna make him feel like he is winning.”

Ghoul’s mouth felt dry. He was so bad at being cunning, that Gerard’s manipulation scared him at times. It felt like something out of this world to him.

“Well, thanks,” he said.

Gerard broke into a childish, toothy grin that immediately made Ghoul feel more at ease again, although he knew fully well that it couldn’t be trusted.

“So when are we gonna …?” Gerard leaned in and Ghoul’s gaze flickered down to his lips. He thought about the knife he was supposed to keep in his boot and took a step back.

“Ya gotta deliver first,” he said. “Then you’ll get your reward.”

Chapter Text

“Hey, Ghoulie, wake up.”

Ghoul groaned and shifted in Gerard’s arms. Their sleeping arrangement had come as a surprise to him, even though he was the one who had initiated it. He just felt so lonely, spending all day in the quiet apartment by himself, that he wanted to feel another human being close whenever he could. He wasn’t used to sleeping by himself either, and so he had started cuddling up to Gerard before they fell asleep.

Gerard had taken it in stride, only startled the first time Ghoul had slipped in under his blanket without warning. It was probably not the wisest move if he attempted to keep his distance, but the physical contact was comforting and helped with the terrors.

“We gotta get up, it’s late already.”

Ghoul buried his face in the pillow. It smelled of Gerard and his citrus shampoo.

“Why are ya here?” he mumbled hoarsely. The question sounded rude, but Gerard was usually gone by the time he woke up.

“I got the morning off,” Gerard explained. “Korse is coming over.”

Ghoul groaned. He hated having Korse around, even though Gerard didn’t seem to mind his presence. Ghoul didn’t trust him; not after the pain he’d put him through during the interrogations, and especially not around Gerard.

“He won’t stay long,” Gerard promised. “We’re having our intercom fixed. He’s bringing Mikey over.”

Ghoul swallowed. He immediately felt more awake. He wasn’t sure why he felt so nervous to meet Gerard’s brother. Gerard clearly cared about him a lot, but he didn’t mention him often. Ghoul hadn’t managed to construct a mental image of him yet.

“I’m so excited for you to meet him.” Gerard nudged him gently. “I talked about this program all the time when I signed up.”

Ghoul made a non-committal noise. If Gerard had discussed his hopes with him, his brother would expect to meet Gerard’s boyfriend today. It sounded awfully awkward overall.

“Come on, honey, coffee is already brewing.”

Ghoul hesitated, but eventually let Gerard coax him out of bed. He didn’t want to be in his pyjamas when their guests arrived. He went to the bathroom to get ready, not combing his long hair, mostly to piss off Korse.

Gerard had already set the table for two, so apparently, they weren’t going to have another uncomfortable brunch at least. Ghoul still didn’t have much of an appetite. Every time Korse came over, he feared that something would go horribly wrong and that they would take him away from Gerard.

They were just done cleaning the kitchen when the door swung open. Ghoul really hoped that Korse would start ringing the doorbell once the intercom was fixed, but he somehow doubted it.

“Hi, love, thanks for stopping by,” Gerard chimed and hurried over to the door immediately.

Ghoul kept in the background, trying to get a look at the kid entering the apartment behind Korse. He had to be around Ghoul’s age, but of course his skin was perfectly smooth and unscarred. He resembled Gerard, but his face was thinner overall. He was blonde, too, though not as aggressively as Gerard, the colour was rather ashen, so he clearly didn’t dye it.

The thing that was most noticeable about him was that he looked absolutely miserable, though. He didn’t cast down his eyes, but he didn’t bother smiling either. It became especially prominent, because Gerard was grinning so widely, it looked as if his face was going to split apart.

“Mikey,” he said and walked straight past Korse. Ghoul had never seen Gerard ignore him before. He extended his arms, but stopped short before he reached his brother. “Hug?”

Ghoul tried to observe everyone at once. Gerard, who very deliberately respected someone’s personal space for once, Mikey, who mostly seemed indifferent and looked slightly past Gerard standing right in front of him, and Korse, who watched the two of them with a gaze less hostile than usual.

“Okay,” Mikey said and Gerard wrapped his arms around him, pulling him into a hug so tight it seemed as if he wanted to suffocate his brother. He held on for a long time, putting his head on Mikey’s shoulder. Mikey was slightly taller than him.

“Enough, Gee,” Mikey said quietly and Gerard immediately let go, raising his hands briefly in a gesture of surrender before dropping them.

“It’s good to see you, kiddo,” he said with a smile. “I missed you.”

Mikey didn’t reply. He hadn’t looked at Ghoul yet.

Korse pulled a white card from his pocket, waving it through the air. “I brought the keycard you wanted. I’ll hand it to the guards outside on my way out,” he said.

Gerard stared at the card for a moment, looking almost indecisive.

“Thanks, babe,” he finally said, lacking his usual enthusiasm, but somehow managing to sound genuine nonetheless.

“I think Frank is the one who will benefit from this, though. I think your pet should thank me, too.”

Korse’s eyes finally landed on Ghoul. There was something challenging in his gaze that told Ghoul he was going to keep pushing it, no matter how he reacted. For some reason, he didn’t want Ghoul to mellow down.

So he bared his teeth at Korse with a snarl.

Gerard took a step to the side as if to shield Ghoul from view.

“I’ll make sure he’ll be thanking me tonight,” he said, cheekily grinning at Korse. “If you know what I mean.”

He sounded like the absolute worst, but it made Korse snort and turn his attention away from Ghoul. Gerard was good at defusing situations like they were bombs.

“Don’t forget work over it though. I’ll be back to pick up Michael in about an hour.”

“Alright, thanks again. Love you!” Gerard called after him as he left, but his shoulders relaxed visibly once the door fell shut behind Korse.

Only now did Ghoul notice that Mikey had brought a toolbox with him. He wore the same white clothes as most people in Bat City, but the logo on the front of his shirt belonged to an electric company.

“Come on, Mikes, I have so much to tell you.” Gerard ushered Mikey into the living room with dramatic gestures. “You must have heard about Fun Ghoul. He is living with me now. You can call him Ghoul, just don’t do it in front of Korse, you know how he gets. Ghoul, this is my kid brother Mikey. I love him to death.”

Mikey did not look thrilled about being loved to death. It was hard to read his expression at all and the fact that Gerard wouldn’t shut up for even two seconds wasn’t helping.

“Hi. ‘S nice meeting ya,” Ghoul mumbled, because he didn’t want to come across like a feral animal who could only snarl at people.

Mikey didn’t reply.

“We should all sit down, come on,” Gerard said. Mikey looked at the intercom. “You can fix that later. I want you to get to know Ghoul first. You want something to drink? I’ll get you a soda, yeah? You want a soda?”

Gerard shooed them over to the couches. Mikey sat down on one of them and Ghoul instinctively took the other one, keeping a distance between them. He wished Gerard wouldn’t leave them alone by going to the kitchen.

“Gerard told me ‘bout ya,” Ghoul said, hoping this counted as small-talk in the city. He really wasn’t good at small-talk. “You’re an electrician?”

“Yeah.” Mikey’s voice was quiet and he didn’t elaborate any further, but Ghoul felt startled that he had replied at all. Mikey still wasn’t looking at him directly.

Ghoul wanted to ask if he was alright, but he decided to rather keep his mouth shut. With all the lies that circulated about the killjoys in the city, Mikey might simply be scared to talk to a terrorist like him.

“Here you go,” Gerard said cheerfully and placed a can of soda on the coffee table in front of Mikey as he returned from the kitchen. Then he sat down next to Ghoul.

Ghoul forced himself not to look at him for help. He didn’t seem particularly bothered by Mikey’s silence.

“You know, Ghoul’s from the Zones. Mikey always wanted to know what it’s like to drive out there. Inside the city, there is this fucking speed limit. And everything’s so narrow. But out there, you must be able to drive freely, right? We had those little race car toys as kids.” Gerard held up his fingers to indicate the size of the toys. “We’d always stage races.” He laughed. “Man, I got so fucking mad when I didn’t win. I’m a sore loser.”

This time, Ghoul caught a very subtle smile on Mikey’s face that was the complete opposite to Gerard’s usual grin. Although they had the same lips, they used them very differently.

“Yeah, ‘s …” Ghoul wasn’t sure whether to look at Gerard or Mikey. He tried to strike a balance, where he wasn’t staring at Mikey, but also not outright excluding him from the conversation. “My brother’s got this car. ‘N old Trans Am. Used to speed down Road Guano with it. Ya stand up ‘n the wind rips your mask clean off your face. ‘S amazing.”

“How fast can you go with it?” Mikey wanted to know. Ghoul hadn’t expected the question and Mikey’s voice was still so quiet that it took him a moment to actually understand what he’d said. Ghoul’s hearing wasn’t great, thanks to all the detonations he had witnessed up close. He was grateful that it was a question he could answer clearly though.

“We usually go ‘bout 140, 150 miles an hour. The Am can go up to 250 though. ‘S useful if ya crash with an Exterminator ‘n need to get away.”

“Cool,” Mikey said. He finally glanced up at Ghoul briefly. The car seemed to interest him enough to come out of his shell, so Ghoul decided to keep talking.

“We got races, too. Absolute madmen driving.”

“Isn’t that dangerous?” Gerard chimed in. He looked weirdly concerned as if either Ghoul or Mikey had already volunteered for the next race.

Ghoul shrugged. “They’ll be wearing helmets.”

He thought of the dusty roads in the summer heat, the cheering of the crowd, the self-made flags and the colourful outfits of the flag bearers, because the races were as much a fashion show as they were a sport tournament. Sometimes Dr. D came out personally to narrate. He wondered if he should try to describe any of it, but he felt like words wouldn’t do it justice anyway.

“’S fun,” he mumbled.

Gerard seemed to wait for a moment as if hoping he would continue, but Ghoul had nothing more to say. “Ghoul’s an amazing cook, too, he’s absolutely spoiling me.”

Mikey looked from Gerard to Ghoul and back again. “How’s the sex?” he asked.

The question was so straight-forward that it startled Ghoul into a nervous chuckle. He felt his face heating up.

“We’re not having sex,” Gerard declared. He somehow managed to sound very lecturing. “You know, in a sexual relationship, it is always important to ask for consent. I’m respecting Ghoul’s boundaries.”

He made it sound like not sleeping with Ghoul had actually been his idea. Ghoul had to refrain from rolling his eyes.

Mikey frowned. “So why aren’t you consenting?” he asked.

Ghoul wondered if he wanted an explanation that went into the complex nature of power dynamics, physical attraction and emotional connection. But he knew that he wasn’t the right person to explain any of that.

“I don’t wanna,” he said.

“Okay.” Mikey nodded as if that explanation made perfect sense to him. He looked at Gerard. “Are you disappointed?”

Ghoul decided that he liked the kid. He wasn’t like Gerard who wasted big words on everything while it was never quite clear if he actually meant them. Mikey cut straight to the point.

“No, I’m happy,” Gerard said firmly. “I really am.”

His sincere tone caused Ghoul’s chest to sting painfully. Gerard was happy to just have company and Ghoul planned to take even that away from him. 

“Heads or tails?” Mikey asked.

Ghoul frowned in confusion and gazed at Gerard. He was smirking.

“Tails,” he said.

Mikey nodded. “That’s good.”

“We might not be having sex, but Ghoul’s still giving me something I was missing. When he has a good day, he even tells me I’m cute. When have you ever done that much for me, Mikey Way? You never tell me I’m cute.”

Gerard’s voice had turned from sincere to playfully bratty within a heartbeat. He was pressing his hand to his chest very dramatically.

“I don’t have good days,” Mikey said.

Ghoul was so surprised by his dry answer, that he snorted with laughter.

“Oi,” Gerard muttered, but he was smiling widely. He looked relaxed and happy and Ghoul knew that look, because he sometimes got a similar feeling, when he was with Jet and their friends. It was the feeling of knowing everyone he cared about was safe and sound within sight.

“Anyway, how have you been? Did that customer situation clear up?”

“Korse took care of it.”

Gerard sighed. “Fucking assholes. It wasn’t your fault. Anything else that’s new?”

“Just work. Korse told me you were busy, too.”

Gerard leaned back on the couch, sprawling and taking up most of the space. “Well, Korse is a fucking liar. He’s just a firm believer in the carrot-and-stick approach.”

“So you’re getting the surgery done?”

Gerard groaned. “What gave me away?”

Mikey nodded at Ghoul. His smile really was a lot more subtle than Gerard’s. One had to be watchful to catch it.

“The carrot.”

“Oi,” Ghoul grumbled. “Do I look fucking orange to ya?”

Gerard chuckled at his outburst while he rubbed his face with his palm. “Yeah, but we haven’t set a date yet. For whatever the fuck that is worth.”

Mikey looked like he wanted to say something else, but he didn’t. Ghoul knew that it wasn’t uncommon for the people in Bat City to get plastic surgery. He wondered what Gerard was supposed to get done, but his voice sounded strained, like he was going to snap at whoever dared to push the issue. He didn’t usually show it that openly when he was fed up, but his guard seemed lowered around Mikey.

“I should fix your intercom, before Korse gets back,” Mikey said.

Gerard sighed. “Yeah, that motherfucker is always on time. Don’t tell him what broke the old intercom. There are parts missing.”

Mikey frowned. His frown was subtle, too, but more noticeable than his smile. “Why are there parts missing, Gerard?”

“You know.” Gerard waved in Ghoul’s direction. “We used the parts to build a transmitter to contact Ghoul’s folk in the Zones.”

Mikey immediately turned to him with renewed interest. “And it worked? What else did you use?”

Ghoul looked at Gerard for help. It didn’t feel safe to share this information with anyone, it could get them both into serious trouble. Of course Gerard trusted his brother, but his openness still irritated Ghoul. It bordered on carelessness.

“It’s fine,” Gerard said, obviously reading the concerns right off Ghoul’s face. “Mikey won’t tell anyone. He doesn’t know anyone important. Besides me, that is.” He grinned aggressively.

“If importance is measured by how full you are of yourself,” Mikey mumbled.

“Actually, it’s measured by how good you look in a uniform,” Gerard corrected. He pulled one of his legs onto the couch to strike a pose that very prominently featured his crotch.

“Can we please go back to talking about transmitters?” Mikey asked.

“Radio alarm clock,” Ghoul mumbled.

“Smart.” Mikey nodded. “Not Gee’s idea then.”

“He helped,” Ghoul said, because he would have felt bad not appreciating Gerard’s contribution.

“See!” Gerard said. “Ghoul appreciates me.”

“He’s new,” Mikey deadpanned.

Gerard flipped him off, but he was grinning. Maybe for the first time since they knew each other, Ghoul thought that his actual age was showing. Gerard usually switched between grown-up seriousness and childlike ignorance, but right now he seemed like he was in his mid-twenties and ready to piss off the world.

“I better do it now,” Mikey added and got up from the couch. He had left his equipment by the door.

“Can I watch?” Ghoul asked. He wasn’t great with electronics, but he played around with it sometimes to improve his timers, and it wouldn’t hurt to learn more about their apartment.

“Sure.” Mikey didn’t seem bothered by his request. “Just stay out of my personal space or I’ll knock you out.”

“He took karate lessons as a kid,” Gerard chimed in. “He had a little outfit and all, it was fucking adorable. I think Korse had this idea of training him as my personal bodyguard or whatever.”

Ghoul watched Mikey’s movements from a safe distance. He didn’t look like he would qualify as anyone’s bodyguard. He was even skinnier than Gerard.

He unscrewed the old intercom that Ghoul had torn down with his nails once before. He had brought a completely new system he’d have to hook up.

“Ain’t that dangerous?” Ghoul wanted to know. “Ya might get zapped if the power ain’t switched off, right?”

“The fuse panel is outside, I switched it off already.”

Ghoul watched the steady movements of his hands. There was something very satisfying about watching experts do their job. He tried to pay attention.

“Ain’t there one for the whole building, too?”

“Yeah, in the basement,” Mikey confirmed. His answers were short and precise, Ghoul appreciated that.

“What would happen, if, y’know, someone blew up that fuse box? Would it be bang, lights out for the whole place? And would the power shortage, y’know, prevent a security lockdown?”

Mikey paused his movements, looking at his hands instead of Ghoul.

“Hypothetically speaking, I assume?”

“Hypo whatever, yeah,” Ghoul said.

Mikey nodded and continued his work. “It would prevent the lockdown, yeah. But you’d have to get past the Dracs to get down to the basement first.”

Ghoul hummed. He watched in silence as Mikey finished his work.

“Are you done yet?” Gerard called over from the couch.

Mikey rolled his eyes. “Don’t rush me. I’m doing you a favour here, remember?”

“Well, do me faster.” Gerard giggled and Mikey snorted. It was hard to tell if he was feeling fond or annoyed.

“Okay, done,” he finally announced and stored his tools away again.

“Great, now give me a smile,” Gerard demanded.

“Fuck off.”

Mikey sat back down on the couch. Ghoul wasn’t quite sure what to do with himself. He didn’t want to sit down next to Mikey, who seemed to value his personal space, but Gerard was blocking the other couch entirely. He settled for sitting down on the armrest awkwardly.

“Come on, you know I can’t let you go before you give me one of those trademark Mikey smiles. Those are the rules. I don’t make them.” Gerard raised his hands innocently.

“You did make that rule,” Mikey reminded him. “And I told you it was stupid right away.”

“Come on, what do I have to do to make my baby brother smile? Something like this?” Gerard hooked his forefingers into his mouth to pull a face that looked both silly and horrifying, like a clown with a machine gun.

Mikey looked perfectly unfazed.

“You’re not going to make me do the chicken dance, are you? Don’t make me do it in front of Ghoul.”

Gerard sat up, looking absolutely determined. He bent his arms.

“I’m gonna do it, Mikey,” he said. “I swear I’m gonna do it.”

“If you do the chicken dance in front of Ghoul, he’s never going to fuck you.”

Ghoul was inclined to agree when Gerard slowly started flapping his arms. It looked so ridiculous, he wanted to avert his eyes in second-hand embarrassment.

“It’s your fault, Mikey. It’s your fault I might never get laid. You’re making me do it. I’m gonna die of blue balls because of you.”

Mikey managed to keep his stoic expression for another few seconds, before he broke down. His lips started twitching, before they eventually formed a genuine smile. It wasn’t nearly as bright and aggressive as Gerard’s grin, but it was impossible to miss.

“There you go, honey,” Gerard said and dropped his arms. He grinned smugly, but only for a moment. “Sorry things have been shit lately,” he added. “I’ll make up for it.”

Mikey’s shoulders dropped as if he was only now able to let go of some withheld tension. “I know it’s not your fault.”

“I’ll talk to Korse, so you can stay with us at least on the weekends again.”

Ghoul was almost surprised by the offer. The weekends were their only chance to spend quality time together, but obviously Gerard wanted to have Mikey around even more than he wanted alone time with Ghoul.

Mikey shrugged. “I wouldn’t get my hopes up.”

“Have a bit of faith,” Gerard insisted. “You know he can’t say no to my pretty face.”

Just as he said it, the doorbell rang out so loudly, it made Ghoul flinch. Mikey instinctively pulled up his shoulders as well.

Gerard jumped to his feet immediately, no longer slouching on the couch. He practically danced over to the door, pressing the button of the intercom instead of just opening up.

“Hello, love, we were just talking about you,” he purred, his voice undeniably flirty.

The door slid open. Gazing past Gerard’s shoulder, Ghoul could see that Korse was smirking. If Gerard was trying to put him in a good mood, he obviously succeeded.

“I see Mikey fixed the intercom,” he stated.

“You should have sent him over sooner,” Gerard said in a light sing-song voice.

“Or you could have used the janitorial service like everyone else in the building.”

“I trust Mikey’s to not bug my place,” Gerard said defensively.

“Cause he knows I don’t wanna listen to his bullshit all day,” Mikey said, just loud enough for Ghoul to hear.

Ghoul chuckled, nervous because he didn’t want to draw Korse’s attention. He had the feeling that he wouldn’t want Ghoul to grow close to Mikey either.

“Anyway, come in, sit with us.” Gerard gestured towards the couches.

Ghoul immediately tensed up. He watched for Mikey’s reaction, but he didn’t seem bothered by the idea of Korse joining them.

“I have to head out straight away. Come on, Mikey, I’ll drop you off on my way.”

Mikey moved to get up.

“We thought we could have a little sleepover soon.” Even though Ghoul couldn’t see his face, he was absolutely sure that Gerard was currently batting his eyelashes at Korse. “Like we used to.”

“You don’t have the space for that anymore.”

“Frank can sleep on the couch. One night won’t kill him,” Gerard said as quickly as if he had anticipated the argument.

Korse didn’t seem convinced.

“At least let him come over on the weekends like he used to.” Gerard sounded more pleading than Ghoul had ever heard him before. There was no smugness or humour left in his tone. He sounded almost angry.

“You still haven’t finished the report on the uprisings in Zone three,” Korse pointed out.

Mikey had gotten up, but he didn’t move towards the door yet. The tension in the air was nearly palpable.

“One might even get the impression you were stalling,” Korse added.

“If I finish before the weekend, can Mikey come over?” Gerard asked. It sounded challenging, but for his means, his voice was timid.

“If you have it done by then, I’ll see what I can do,” Korse agreed.

“Just watch out for him, yeah?” Gerard asked quietly.

“You know I’m always keeping an eye on Mikey.” Korse didn’t make the words sound exactly comforting. “Now we should really head out. Mikey?”

His voice turned gentler when he addressed Mikey, which surprised Ghoul, because he was quite sure that Gerard was in fact the favourite child.

Mikey made his way towards the door, picking up his toolbox.

“Well, thanks for bringing him over,” Gerard said a bit more softly and turned towards Mikey. “It was good to see you, kiddo.” He extended his arms. “Hug?”

“I’d rather not,” Mikey said. Gerard dropped his arms immediately, taking a step backwards.

“Take care. I love you,” he said and Korse turned to open the door. “You too, Korse,” he added, his voice more playful again. “Love you!”

He waved them off as they left, slumping back down on the couch as soon as the door fell shut. He closed his eyes and massaged his temples

Ghoul felt as if he had just witnessed a very vulnerable moment, although Gerard’s emotions hadn’t gotten the better of him at any point.

“Mikey’s nice,” he said to cheer Gerard up.

Gerard smiled. It looked tired. His hair wasn’t styled yet and hung down around his face in listless strands.

“He likes you,” he observed.

Ghoul paused, unsure how to phrase his next question. He thought about Mikey’s straightforwardness, the way he avoided eye-contact and the space Gerard had given him. All of it was subtle enough to pass off as quirks, but Ghoul had made it his habit to stay attentive to survive.

“Mikey’s … not quite like the other kids, is he?”

Gerard bit his lip. “He has some trouble adjusting at times, yeah.”

Ghoul thought about what that meant in Bat City, where any form of non-conformity was dangerous.

“We gotta talk,” he said.

Gerard sighed and rubbed his face with his palm. “Yeah, maybe, Ghoul. I don’t know. I have to get to work. We’ll talk when I get home, okay?”

He sat up and Ghoul hesitated. He had to know for sure before he could let Gerard go.

“They’re using Mikey to blackmail ya, don’t they? You’re trapped.” It finally made sense why Gerard would work for a system that denied him love and that he obviously didn’t agree with.

“You still haven’t figured it out, Ghoulie?” Gerard looked at him with a dry smile, that managed to look both sad and condescending. Ghoul felt like something very important was finally clicking into place. “Those Dracs outside are not here to protect me. They are here to make sure I don’t leave. Everyone’s a fucking prisoner around here, but for some of us the cage is gilded.”

Chapter Text

Gerard came home late. Ghoul had made dinner around the usual time and waited, pacing the apartment while mulling over the new information he had gathered today. Eventually, he’d grown too hungry to wait any longer and had eaten dinner by himself.

It was nearly 8 pm when the front door finally opened. Gerard had combed back his hair before he’d left for work, but a strand had come loose above his ear. He looked pale and tired.

“Hey, you’re home late.” Ghoul tried not to sound accusing, even though he wondered if Gerard had stayed out on purpose to avoid having a proper conversation. “I already ate, but there’s food in the fridge.”

Gerard raised his hand to rub his face, a gesture that made him look even more exhausted.

“It’s fine, I ate at work.” He hadn’t bothered to take off his shoes yet. It looked as if he was ready to leave again.

“Can we talk?” Ghoul asked, figuring it was better to be straight-forward than to give Gerard the opportunity to cop out.

“Yeah, but I need some fresh air. Come on.” Gerard reopened the front door and Ghoul got up hesitantly, because it sounded like an invitation to leave, but that definitely wasn’t possible.

Gerard waited for him by the open door though, so Ghoul put on his shoes that he hadn’t worn since the day he’d arrived at Gerard’s place.

Gerard stepped outside and Ghoul tried to stay close to him. The Dracs moved immediately, two of them pulled their Rayguns as soon as they saw Ghoul.

“Calm down, you fuckers,” Gerard snarled. “We’re going to the roof. What is he going to do? Fucking jump?”

His voice sounded tense, but the Dracs put their guns back into their holsters and allowed them both to pass as Gerard approached a white door next to the elevators. Ghoul assumed it would lead to a staircase, which it did, but the stairs only went upstairs.

On top of the stairs was another unlocked door that Gerard pushed open. Ghoul followed him outside curiously.

He had expected bright lights and fresh air, but he had forgotten that they were in Bat City. The light filtered through the glass dome was always dim, especially now that the sun had already set. The electric lights of the city were illuminating the night, keeping it from ever getting properly dark. There was neither light nor darkness, just a perpetual twilight that made it impossible to tell the time of day.

The air smelled of smog. It was cleaner inside the apartment, where it was filtered through the AC.

“Destroya,” Gerard mumbled as the door fell shut behind them. Ghoul looked out onto the city, trying to orientate himself, but from above, all the tall buildings looked the same.

“What a fucking day. Feels like my head’s gonna blast.” Gerard pulled a small box from the pocket of his pants. “Nic stick?”

He opened the box and got out a nic stick, placing it between his lips, before he held the box out to Ghoul.

He stared at the four remaining nic sticks, hesitating before taking one. His hands felt a little shaky.

“Isn’t that illegal here?” he asked.

Gerard shrugged. “Camera guy of mine got contact with some Roaches.”

He got the lighter from the box and lit his nic stick, before tossing it at Ghoul. He caught it, holding the lighter in his hands longingly. For a moment, he felt powerful, feeling the potential for heat and fire and explosions between his fingers. But then he just lit his own nic stick and tossed the lighter back at Gerard, who pocketed his secret stash again.

Ghoul inhaled the smoke, feeling a sense of relief washing through him. It wasn’t so much physical; he just enjoyed doing something that was bad for him, something that wasn’t a healthy diet and eight hours of sleep every night.

He watched Gerard smoke; he looked relaxed holding his nic stick, like he was very familiar with the motion. Ghoul was pretty sure that most people in Bat City called nic sticks cigarettes, and the people who made illegal trades between the Zones and the city were usually called smugglers and not Roaches.

“Since when do ya speak Zone slang anyway?” he asked and blew a lungful of smoke into the air to add to the overall pollution of the city.

Gerard grinned. His lopsided smile looked natural when he was holding a nic stick in the corner of his mouth. It still didn’t distract from the dark circles under his eyes.

“Told ya I was hanging out on the wrong side of ‘em tracks when ya were still a motorbaby,” Gerard drawled, mimicking Ghoul’s Zone slang. He wasn’t doing a bad job, but underneath, Ghoul could still hear the hard vowels of his clean city accent.

“So ya picked up some of it, huh?”

Gerard raised his brows at him, smirking. He still looked tired, but a little less on edge now. “I understand enough to know that when ya told Jet I was sunny, it wasn’t a compliment.”

Ghoul winced at the memory, his cheeks suddenly feeling hot.

“Wasn’t meant as an insult either,” he mumbled defensively. “You’re just weird for a city slick.”

Gerard tapped the ash off his nic stick. He was smoking fast, almost greedily.

“So who taught ya?” Ghoul wanted to know.

Gerard waved his hand through the air dismissively. “I used to hang out in the Lobby, you know? Colourful crowd. Runners who’d left home but didn’t know how to get to the desert, or who were too scared to leave. Porno droids and Roaches who’d get ya nic sticks and booze, or the newest Mad Gear track. Or y’know, information on how to make it to the joys in the desert, if the price was right. I was planning to run.”

Ghoul stared at Gerard. His image of Gerard as a teenager was starting to become clearer and clearer. The boy who painted his face with dirt for a gig. The kid who tried not to cry at night when the terrors hit. And somehow, also, the youngest Scarecrow in Bli’s history.

“What happened?” he asked, his voice hoarse.

Gerard narrowed his eyes. “I know there’s tons of shit you want to know. How about another round of question and answer?”

Ghoul frowned. “That’s not a game, Gerard. Can’t ya just tell me?”

Gerard pouted. “Come on, it’s more fun this way. You get to start.”

Ghoul rolled his eyes. “Okay, fine.” He wasn’t looking forward to being interrogated again, but if that was what it took to get Gerard talking, he’d just have to accept it.

Gerard looked at the nic stick in his hand and sighed when he found it burned down to the filter already. He dropped it on the ground and stomped it out before walking over to the air vent, waving Ghoul along.

He sat down, leaning his back against the vent and Ghoul followed suit. The ground up here was dirty, maybe the first dirty surface he’d ever seen in Bat City. It was oddly comforting.

Gerard looked out onto the city, his hands moving through the air as if he was tempted to light himself another nic stick. He only had three left though.

Ghoul held his nic stick out to him. It was nearly burned down already too, but still had one or two drags in it.

Gerard hesitated, but then he took it, their fingers brushing against each other lightly.

“Thanks, love,” he said quietly and took a drag. Ghoul tried not to stare at his lips where they were touching the nic stick. His voice sounded tired and genuine and the pet name made heat coil in Ghoul’s stomach. For maybe the first time, Gerard hadn’t sounded flirty but simply affectionate.

“So?” Ghoul asked after a moment of silence. Usually, Gerard didn’t need much prompting to start speaking. “Ya wanted to run.” It was a statement rather than a question. He didn’t want a confirmation but the story behind it.

“Yeah.” Gerard exhaled smoke one last time before dropping Ghoul’s nic stick as well. “Back then you only had to start taking the pills at eighteen. At fifteen, I thought I still had time. Mikey was only eleven back then. I thought it would be safer to wait, at least for one or two years. That our chances would be better, if he was a little older. I wouldn’t have left without him, you know? But then they deported our parents. I honestly didn’t see it coming. I wish I had risked it, you know? Grabbed Mikey and left while there was still time. But then, it was too late all of a sudden.”

“That’s why you’re so upset they’re changing the age restriction for the pills,” Ghoul concluded. It was more of an observation and he didn’t expect Gerard to answer, but he nodded.

“It’s not just the oldest kid, you know? Many of them will try to take their younger siblings. It’s fucked up.”

Ghoul hummed quietly, wondering if Gerard would continue, but he turned his head to study Ghoul intensely instead. They weren’t sitting close enough to touch, but it still felt intimate somehow.

“You don’t like this game. It irritates you,” Gerard observed. “Why?”

Ghoul looked out across the rooftops. He hadn’t expected the question. He also didn’t know how to explain himself without hurting Gerard’s feelings.

“It’s just weird. Ya don’t talk to someone to win,” he said. “But ‘cause ya wanna talk to ‘em, yeah? Ya should tell me ‘bout yourself ‘cause ya want me to know. And it shouldn’t take a game to be honest. ‘S like, fuck, I’m no good with words. But sharing ain’t a competition. ‘S just what friends do.”

Gerard bit his lip. He looked exactly as Ghoul had feared he would. He looked sad. He looked like he had never had a friend before.

“Are we friends?” he asked.

Ghoul considered telling him it wasn’t his turn for another question yet just to be annoying, but he also wanted to prove his own point. A conversation shouldn’t feel like a match.

“I think so,” he said. “Or I think we could be.”

Gerard nodded slowly.

“How’d ya even come up with this game?” he asked. He knew that he was wasting questions, but he didn’t want to be calculating about this. Calculating was what Bli did.

Gerard leaned his head against the air vent, smiling up at the sky. He looked almost nostalgic.

“Korse used to play this game with me. It was meant to be practice. We would play it whenever I did something wrong. Like, you know, sneak out in the middle of the night, or smoke nic sticks out the bathroom window. He’d try to get me to confess. If I could beat him, he’d let me go without punishment, even if he knew I did it. He was fair in that regard.”

Gerard was still smiling. He didn’t sound upset at all, not even at the mention of punishment.

“One time I kept asking questions he refused to answer until he gave up before he could even ask the first question. Destroya, he was annoyed.” He chuckled.

Ghoul smirked, although the thought made him sad. Gerard had been trained to keep his wits about himself, but he hadn’t learned a lot about unconditional affection.

“It’s not easy to find that many questions someone won’t answer under any circumstances,” Gerard added. Ghoul wondered if he kept talking due to his natural chattiness, or if he was trying to prove that he wasn’t trying to win this game for a change. “Sometimes it was impossible to deny I was guilty, so it was just about getting as much information as possible in return. It was about making Korse give up something to convict me. Where he hid the cookies Mikey and I weren’t supposed to eat, for example. If I could make him tell me, he wouldn’t hide them anywhere else for at least 24 hours. I earned them, so I was allowed to eat them. He was fair in that regard, too.”

Ghoul didn’t know what to do with the fondness in Gerard’s voice. His teenage years with Korse sounded messed up, but not necessarily unhappy.

“What does the sunset look like in the desert?” Gerard asked.

“Uh, ‘s orange,” Ghoul said, wishing once again that he had better words to really paint a picture. He looked out across the rooftops and wished Gerard could see the colours, sprawled out all over the sky. He wished he could feel the desert heat on his skin, slowly cooling down as the sun set. He wished he could smell the heat and the dry sand, and that they could share another cigarette. He wished they’d met differently. Out in the desert, they could blast music and call this a date. He was flooded with an entirely new sense of longing. He didn’t long for home, or for Jet. He longed for freedom to do whatever the fuck he wanted.

“But not just orange. ‘S red ‘n yellow, too, sometimes pink. ‘S all kinds of shades ya don’t see up here. ‘S warm out there, but the nights are cold. ‘S warm enough to still be out in nothing but a shirt, but getting cold enough to have an excuse to get closer to each other, y’know? ‘S like an explosion that ain’t killing anyone, ‘s just beauty.”

It wasn’t like him to wax poetry about the sunset, or waste that many words in general, but he wished he could show Gerard.

“Thanks,” Gerard said quietly. “I wish I could see it.”

Ghoul thought about the kiss he still owed Gerard. He almost wanted to kiss him now, because kissing someone wasn’t like watching the sunset, but the warm feeling it caused could be quite similar. He didn’t want to bring it up though.

“Mikey?” he asked.

Gerard shook his head. “That’s not a question.”

“Y’know what it means though,” Ghoul said.

Gerard sighed softly. “You know what they do to kids like Mikey? He’s sensitive. He would need a higher dosage of the pills to block out all stimuli and they still haven’t figured out how to get rid of the side effects if they drug someone up too much. So they use them to experiment. They use them as fucking lab rats, Ghoul.”

Ghoul felt sick. It made sense that Bli tried to repurpose the citizens who were of no use for their system otherwise. In the perfect capitalistic society, no resource ever went to waste.

“He gets overstimulated easily. And he has trouble speaking at times. It’s not like he is stupid or like he doesn’t want to. He just can’t, especially when he’s stressed or around strangers. He adjusted to you surprisingly quickly. Probably because you didn’t ask what’s wrong with him like every other fucking asshole out there. Like that fucking customer the other week. He’s not supposed to interact with customers, fuck them, they know that.”

Gerard inhaled deeply. It was easy to tell how upset he was.

“It’s been like that since he was a kid. And it’s fine. He’s perfectly capable of taking care of himself. There’s nothing wrong with him. He just needs a bit of space, that’s all. Actually, that explains a fucking lot about me, doesn’t it?”

Ghoul studied Gerard’s profile, not quite sure what he meant by that.

“Always talking too much, always needing to be the centre of attention. When we were kids I always did that to distract people from Mikey, you know? If people just kept their attention on me and I would leave no room for silence, no one would notice that Mikey kept quiet. And then no one would take him away. It was my parents’ job to keep him safe, but I always felt like they did a shitty job. It was always me who had to watch out for him. And I didn’t mind doing it. Fuck, a part of me really likes the attention, too. And I love him so much. Mikey is the best kid in the world. I’d do anything to keep him safe.”

He paused, as if he’d already said too much, but Ghoul could tell that it wasn’t the full story yet. He was beginning to piece it together for himself, though.

“Like on the day your parents got deported,” he said carefully.

“Yeah,” Gerard said grimly. “They would have put us into a Better Living orphanage. And they would have done psychological screenings and sent Mikey straight to the lab. I couldn’t let that happen. So I did the only thing I could think of.” His dark tone turned into an unexpected giggle. “I came on to the executing Exterminator. Like, I had just turned fucking fifteen and I had no clue what I was doing, but I couldn’t think of anything else. I had nothing to offer but myself. So I awkwardly tried flirting with this grown ass man while my parents were being deported right before us. I have no idea what I was thinking.”

He giggled again and Ghoul really wanted to see the humour in it, but it only made him want to punch Korse in the face and maybe set Bli’s headquarters on fire.

“Korse saw right through it of course and lucky for us, he was amused enough by it to take a liking to me. He also saw my potential, or whatever the fuck he called it. He took us home with him and somehow convinced the Director to let him keep us. I had to sign up for the Scarecrow program, but I passed with flying colours and made daddy proud. He was good to us, you know? He saved our lives.”

“He had your parents deported,” Ghoul interrupted.

Gerard shrugged. “That wasn’t his decision. But it was his decision to look after us. We lived with him until I turned eighteen. I got custody for Mikey and we lived together for a while, just the two of us. My job kept us both off the pills and things were fine. But when Mikey turned eighteen, they made him move out and now I see him less and less. I think they wanted more control over me. Now I have to earn every fucking meeting. If I don’t see him in a while, I start worrying sick. It’s messed up.”

“Yeah,” Ghoul agreed. “’S fucked, I’m sorry.” 

They fell silent for another moment. It was irritating that it didn’t grow chilly outside. The temperature just stayed the same, as if time wasn’t passing at all.

Ghoul wondered if Gerard had forgotten that it was his turn to ask a question.

“Are you judging me?” he finally asked. “For giving up so easily? I tell myself that I did all this to keep Mikey safe, but I could have fought harder. I could have gone after my parents that day. I could have tried to take Mikey and run while we were living with Korse, or even after that. But instead, I became a cog in their fucking murder machine.”

“Ya did what ya had to survive,” Ghoul said and put his hand on Gerard’s arm. “I’m not judging ya. Might’ve done the same.”

Gerard turned his head, not pulling away from Ghoul’s touch. Ghoul couldn’t bring himself to let go either.

“Ya really don’t like the system, do ya?”

Gerard smiled wryly. “I’m trying to do what I can to make it better. That’s how I justify my decisions to myself. If things get tough, I just give in, ‘cause I’m weak. But if I didn’t do it, someone else would. And they might not even fucking try, you know?”

Ghoul nodded. “I see ya trying.”

Gerard leaned his head against the air vent, looking at Ghoul. His eyes were deep and bright and sad. It was his turn to ask a question.

“Do you actually plan on kissing me?” Gerard licked his lips. “Because you said you would. But it’s cool if you don’t wanna. I just wondered.”

“Yes,” Ghoul said, wishing he could get a second try at his answer to give it less eagerly. “I mean, yeah, I was planning to keep my promise. Just didn’t want to bring it up. Ya still wanna?”

Gerard grinned. His grin was wide and toothy, but the lines around his eyes still looked serious.

“You know I still do. Like, really. A lot.”

Ghoul hesitated, but he figured that Gerard wasn’t going to initiate. He wouldn’t pressure Ghoul.

“’Kay,” he said. “Sit back.”

He put his hand on Gerard’s shoulder and pinned him against the air vent.

Gerard let out a startled noise.

“Now?” he stuttered. “I thought … downstairs, where, uh … brush my teeth.”

His nervous rambling made Ghoul grin. Gerard’s nerves made him feel more confident.

He climbed into Gerard’s lap, straddling his thighs.

“Just sit still,” he commanded, his hand still on Gerard’s shoulder. “’S fine.”

“You’re bossy,” Gerard observed, staring at Ghoul’s chest like he was trying to burn a hole through his shirt. His cheeks had turned pink.

“Sorry,” Ghoul mumbled.

“No.” Gerard still wouldn’t meet his eyes. “It’s hot.” He bit his bottom lip.

Ghoul wondered if his forcefulness made Gerard feel wanted. He was usually the active one, the one who kept pushing and flirting, but now that their bodies were actually touching, he seemed to melt into a small, insecure puddle right beneath Ghoul’s hands.

He reached out, touching Gerard’s chin to tip back his head and make him meet his eyes.

“Just do as I do,” he ordered. “We’ll take it slow.”

Gerard stared at him wide-eyed, seemingly too scared to mess up to even attempt nodding while Ghoul still held his chin.

For a moment, he felt guilty for acting like this was merely transactional. He wanted to kiss Gerard, he was just too much of a coward to admit it. It was unfair towards Gerard, who craved to be wanted so badly. Ghoul wished he had the courage to be honest.

So he reached up with both hands, running them through Gerard’s hair, untangling it gently until the blonde strands were hanging down around his face loosely. It always made him look softer immediately, younger, and more real.

Gerard still didn’t move, but the lines around his eyes turned dangerously soft.

Ghoul wanted to tell him that he was beautiful, but he never knew which words to pick. In his head, they all sounded empty.

He preferred using his hands instead. He used his thumb to stroke Gerard’s eyebrows, the strong lines that formed such a stark contrast to his more delicate features. He stroked his cheek, touched the tip of his pointed nose lightly. He touched every part of his face he didn’t know how to compliment with words. His cheekbones and his jaw, his lips, that were forming a small lopsided smile even now, although it mostly looked insecure.

Gerard’s chest was heaving, he was breathing heavily and Ghoul wanted to place kisses all over his face, but he feared that if he became any gentler, Gerard would start crying.

So he cupped his cheeks with both hands, keeping his head tilted backwards and leaned down.

He closed his eyes and connected their lips hesitantly, a light, tender brushing at first. It lasted only for a second, because he wanted to ease Gerard into it. After a short pause, he closed the distance again, putting more pressure behind it this time.

Gerard returned the kiss almost immediately, his lips moving against Ghoul as if he tried to mimic his motions. It felt different from the way Gerard had pecked him on the lips before. He could pull back now and call it a day. But instead he parted his lips, prying Gerard’s lips open with his own. He could taste him now, bitter like coffee and nicotine.

He hesitated before he moved his tongue, sliding it over Gerard’s bottom lip, earning him a startled moan right into his mouth that nearly made him chuckle. Gerard had managed to keep quiet so far, but now he let out little noises, panting and desperate.

Ghoul moved his tongue, worried that he might startle Gerard. But he sensed Gerard’s tongue brushing against his and it sent an electric feeling down his spine. He was getting a little too much into the kiss, but he decided that they’d already gotten this far, so he might as well give Gerard the full treatment at least once.

He deepened the kiss, entering Gerard’s mouth with his tongue, licking until he felt Gerard shuddering and whining against him.

He only pulled back once he ran out of breath, his lips swollen and wet. For a moment, he felt dizzy.

He moved his hands to Gerard’s neck, trying to resist the temptation to lean back in and keep kissing him. He was a quick learner and less aggressive than Ghoul had expected, almost a little shy in the way he allowed Ghoul to set the pace.

Gerard looked up at him with glassy eyes, his cheeks flushed a much brighter pink now.

“You taste like strawberries,” he said.

Ghoul chuckled. His chest was filled with a warm and fuzzy feeling and he thought that he really liked Gerard.

“I think I enjoy kissing,” Gerard added.

“Yeah, ‘s good when ya …” Ghoul broke off, not sure what he’d been meaning to say in the first place. “Kissing’s good when it’s good.”

He cleared his throat and moved to get up from Gerard’s lap. “Now ya know.”

“No,” Gerard said hastily and Ghoul stilled again. “You said you’d teach me.”

“You, uh.” Ghoul cleared his throat again. “I showed ya. You’ve got the basics down already. T’was pretty good.”

His face felt hot. He hadn’t actually planned on a full-blown make-out session.

“Please. I don’t even know where to put my hands.”

Ghoul looked down and realised that Gerard had indeed kept his hands by his side awkwardly as if he wasn’t sure where he was allowed to touch Ghoul. The way he had balled them into fists was oddly pitiful and endearing at once.

Ghoul sighed. “Fine, ya can put ‘em on my hips. Just one more, though.”

Gerard beamed, looking so happy that Ghoul assumed he hadn’t actually expected this to work. He cursed himself for being too weak. The problem was that he really wanted to kiss Gerard again, too.

Hesitantly, Gerard put his hands on Ghoul’s hips. He had large hands and his grip was surprisingly firm, making Ghoul feel small in an irritatingly pleasant kind of way.

He slid his hand from Gerard’s neck to the back of his head to pull him in again, this time parting his lips right away.

Gerard kissed back more forcefully this time, a lot more like Ghoul had expected him to kiss – hard and sloppy, the corners of his mouth curled into a goofy smile anyway. Ghoul let out a small noise himself when Gerard’s tongue slipped into his mouth without warning, mimicking the motions Ghoul had shown him earlier.

His hands on Ghoul’s hips were pulling him closer, his body dragging against Gerard’s crotch and he was almost convinced that he could sense his boner through their clothes already. He was starting to grow hard as well and he grabbed Gerard’s hair, pulling a little too harshly, but Gerard just moaned into his mouth.

He took the opportunity to push back against Gerard’s tongue, gaining more control of the kiss again. He licked Gerard’s lips and then Gerard did something unexpected, something that Ghoul definitely hadn’t taught him yet. He sucked on Ghoul’s tongue and a hot feeling shot through him, making his body move on instinct.

His hips bucked, Gerard’s hands guiding him through the motion as he started grinding into him. The angle was awkward, and their position anything but comfortable. Ghoul’s knees hurt from the hard concrete and Gerard was pinned against the air vent, hardly able to move. But for a second, he felt their clothed dicks rubbing together and Gerard made another insane noise right into his mouth.

Ghoul repeated the motion, indulging in the sensation for another moment, before he finally pulled away. Gerard’s hands were digging into his hips, but he didn’t try to hold him back. Both of them were panting.

“Sorry,” Ghoul mumbled, because he shouldn’t have gotten this carried away.

“Please,” Gerard whispered. “Ghoulie, please.”

Ghoul wasn’t sure if Gerard even knew what he was begging for. He sounded even more wrecked than Ghoul felt.

Ghoul really wanted to keep kissing him, but he knew that he couldn’t. He would only get emotionally invested and he still didn’t know if he could trust Gerard. Even if his reasons for cooperating with Bli were plausible, he might have told him nothing but a heart-wrenching sob story to gain his trust.

And if all of it was true, it would be cruel to continue. It would get Gerard’s hopes up and eventually, Ghoul would break his heart. Gerard was so important, that Bli would hunt him down with everything they got if he ever tried to escape Bat City. Even if it was selfish, Ghoul would have to leave on his own if he wanted to have a realistic chance of making it at all.

“’S enough now, Gee,” he said, using the nickname he’d picked up from Mikey to soften the blow.

Gerard pouted. His lips looked very pink from kissing. “Two for the road?” he suggested.

In spite of his complicated mix of emotions, Ghoul had to snort with laughter.

“Two?” he repeated.

“Yeah.” Gerard flashed his toothy grin again. Ghoul was beginning to understand what that grin was good for. It made it nearly impossible to stay cross with Gerard. “I say two, you say no, I say please, you roll your eyes and say: fine, one.”

Ghoul giggled. “You’re such a rat.” He flicked his finger against Gerard’s forehead, who winced dramatically.

“Ouch,” he complained and reached up to touch his forehead as if he had been mortally wounded.

Ghoul scoffed and slid off his lap, sitting down next to Gerard, a little closer than they had before.

“What happens next?” Gerard asked. His tone wasn’t flirty at all. “I’m not asking to … I just don’t … How would I continue from here? To make it good for you?” Gerard’s voice turned smaller as he spoke. He seemed embarrassed to ask in the first place. Ghoul really didn’t want to think about the answer in detail, but he didn’t want to leave Gerard hanging either.

“Ya could start kissing me other places. Like my neck. No fucking biting though.” The bruise on Ghoul’s neck still hadn’t faded entirely, a faint yellow shadow was still visible, nearly lost among his tattoos. “Just kissing ‘n licking, ‘n maybe sucking. Ya could also move your hands. Up my waist or down my thighs.” He tried not to imagine it too vividly. “If I react positively, ya might want to get bolder. Ya could slide your hand under my shirt for example.”

It was eerily quiet on the rooftop. He heard Gerard swallow.

“Ya might go for my pants too, but that’s the kinda thing ya should know your partner for. If ya don’t know what I’m usually comfortable with yet, ya should ask first. If I want ya to touch me, we’d probably go somewhere more comfortable to take off our clothes.”

Gerard didn’t say anything, so Ghoul risked a quick glance at him. He wasn’t smiling and kept his hands in his lap awkwardly.

“Thanks,” he said flatly when he realised that Ghoul was checking for his reaction.

Ghoul hesitated. “How come ya don’t know any of this stuff? I know they ain’t exactly educating ya here, but if ya hung out with Droids ‘n Roaches, ya must have picked up something.”

He saw Gerard’s face shutting down and expected him to tell him off for asking, but for some reason he didn’t.

“I saw some of the other teenagers kiss. I even kind of, you know, liked a boy.”

Ghoul felt something hot and sharp flare up inside of him. He had no fucking reason to feel jealous.

“But I was taught that it was fucking wrong, you know? I didn’t believe that. But I was scared the other kids would think of me as gross or something if they knew. I didn’t dare to tell anyone. I was really quite shy back then. At least when it came to romance, I had zero confidence. My body … I didn’t look the way I look now. I was convinced no one would like me back.”

Ghoul thought of Gerard awkwardly trying to flirt with Korse the day his parents had been deported, in spite of his age and inexperience. He must have been absolutely desperate.

“I thought I had time. That I might meet someone in the Zones. That I would fall in love with someone there.”

Ghoul felt a stinging pain in his chest. He was absolutely certain that someone would have fallen in love with Gerard if he had made it out of the city in time.

“But now I’m stuck here, and it might never happen for me. And I guess that’s okay. I know romance is not all that matters. But I still wish I would have gotten the chance to experience it at least once.”

He sounded resigned and it broke Ghoul’s heart. He was the person Gerard had pinned all of his hopes on, but he was letting him down, convincing him that the only affection he deserved was the one he earned as a reward. He was no better than Bli.

Ghoul wished he could give Gerard the experience he craved, even if it was just for a few weeks, so he’d have the memory to hold on to. But the problem was that love had to be a choice. And currently, Gerard only had the choice between Ghoul or no one at all.

And yet Ghoul wished he could tell Gerard how much he deserved love and how much Ghoul would want to give it to him, if their circumstances were any different.

He leaned over, grabbing Gerard by the neck to pull him in. He placed a gentle kiss on his cheek. He was better with touch than with words.

Gerard smiled as Ghoul let him go. He touched his cheek lightly as if he wanted to capture the kiss to make it linger.

“What was that for?” he asked.

Ghoul leaned into him until their shoulders touched. “One for the road,” he said.

Chapter Text

Ghoul flinched when the doorbell rang. He hadn’t ordered anything and Gerard wouldn’t be home for another one or two hours. He had worked late recently, probably because of the deadline Korse wanted him to hit.

He got up to gaze through the spyhole, but the door already swung open before he reached it.

Ghoul’s blood immediately ran cold as Korse entered the apartment. His first thought was that he had come to pick him up. He would be taken back to the facility, he would be interrogated again. They had captured Jet, because Ghoul had been stupid enough to get in touch with him. It was the only reason for Korse to show up here while Gerard wasn’t home – so he wouldn’t be able to protect Ghoul.

But then he spotted the skinny figure behind him and his heartbeat slowed down again. Korse had no reason to bring Mikey if he was planning to hurt Ghoul.

“Whatcha want?” he hissed, keeping enough of a distance to stay out of Korse’s reach.

“Hello to you too, Frank,” Korse said and gave him a thin smile. Mikey said nothing, but he looked uncomfortable. He was carrying his toolbox again, so maybe something needed fixing around the apartment.

“I’m dropping off Mikey, since Gerard wanted him around more often. I’m going to pick him up again in a couple of hours.”

Ghoul snarled. He wasn’t sure what this was about, but it did seem unfair. “Gerard ain’t home. Ya know he’s still at work.”

Korse waved it off dismissively. “It’s not my fault he’s behind with work. He can’t blame me for that.”

Ghoul gritted his teeth. “Ya doing this on purpose.” Korse knew that Gerard would get to spend maybe half an hour with Mikey before he had to leave again. It was a shitty way of keeping a promise. It felt like cheating. “’S a fucking dick move.”

Korse’s hand twitched and for a moment Ghoul thought he would slap him across the face, but they stood too far apart and Korse had himself back under control almost immediately.

“You’re protective of Gerard, but he still hasn’t taught you manners, it seems. Come on, Mikey.”

Mikey moved past him into the apartment quickly, keeping his head lowered.

“See you in a bit.” Without saying anything else, Korse left and let the door fall shut behind him.

The room was filled with awkward silence. Mikey didn’t make himself at home. He just stood there. Ghoul wasn’t sure if he was supposed to host, or what to say. He wondered if forcing them to spend time together was another form of punishment. It was important to Gerard that they got along and maybe Korse was banking on the fact that they wouldn’t.

“Just make yourself comfortable,” Ghoul muttered awkwardly and wondered if he should retreat into the kitchen, or if his avoidance would make the tension worse.

Mikey put his toolbox down on the floor. “Show me the radio transmitter,” he demanded. “I brought a jammer.”

Ghoul stared at Mikey. “Why?” he asked.

“So it will be harder for Bli to listen in when you talk to your people,” Mikey said as if that wasn’t obvious.

Ghoul kept staring at him. He couldn’t decide whether or not to trust Mikey. Objectively speaking, he definitely shouldn’t, but he had already trusted Gerard to help him with the radio, so it probably didn’t make much of a difference anymore.

“Yeah, ‘kay,” Ghoul said and left for the bedroom to get the transmitter from the closet.

Mikey had sat down on the living room floor, his equipment strewn around him.

Ghoul sat down on the floor as well, keeping his distance.

Mikey handed him a small box with several black antennas. It didn’t look very new, not by Bli standards anyway, and part of the plastic cladding was missing as if it had been taken apart before.

“You have to set it to the closest possible frequency,” Mikey instructed him, while taking the transmitter from Ghoul and expecting the craftsmanship. “That will make it harder to find the one you’re using.”

“Thanks,” Ghoul said and did as he was told.

Mikey picked up another device and started connecting it to the transmitter, rewiring some of it in the process.

“You brought a booster, too?” Ghoul asked.

“Yep.” Mikey didn’t look up from his work.

Ghoul watched him. If the booster did its job, the signal would become stronger, allowing Jet to keep more distance from the city, meaning he would most likely be safer.

“Why are ya helping me?” Ghoul wanted to know.

Mikey shrugged, inspecting his work. “You’re doing it anyway. Might as well be efficient about it. Gerard is putting himself in danger by letting you use the radio. So I want it to be as safe as possible.”

Ghoul didn’t have anything to say to that. Mikey seemed like a very practical kind of guy and his decision to help was perfectly logical. There was nothing to add or to argue with.

They sat in silence for another moment, until Mikey put the transmitter down again.

“It should work better now,” he said.

Ghoul wasn’t sure if he was supposed to try it out immediately, but Jet would probably have a stroke if he called him in the presence of the Scarecrow’s little brother this time.

“Thanks, dude,” Ghoul said.

They fell silent again, but the quiet didn’t feel unpleasant, not tense or like it needed to be filled with words. Mikey looked a little lost though, now that he had nothing to do with his hands anymore.

“Can ya help me build a time fuse?” Ghoul asked.

“Like for what?”

“Like for a bomb.”

Mikey stared straight ahead for a moment. “Yeah, probably,” he said. “We’ll need Gerard’s alarm clock and tungsten wire.”

Ghoul assumed that Gerard wouldn’t be too happy about losing another alarm clock so soon.

“You’ve got gunpowder?” Mikey asked. “For a bomb?”

Ghoul hesitated. But Mikey’s questions always seemed straight-forward, and not having to read between the lines put him at ease.

“I made saltpetre,” he said. “It’s in the fridge.”

Mikey nodded, not looking the least bit surprised by the answer. “You won’t make it out of the building unless you manage to hack the cameras though. They’ll send backup right away.”

Ghoul hesitated, watching as Mikey opened his toolbox to search for something.

“How would ya get out of here?” he finally asked. “If ya had to?”

Mikey looked up, even though he didn’t make direct eye contact with Ghoul.

“I would ask Gerard,” he said plainly. “He’d figure it out.”

Ghoul hummed. The answer wasn’t very helpful to him personally.

“He’s good at that stuff, ain’t he? Planning? Cunning?” He wasn’t quite sure what exactly he was asking for.

Mikey had finally found the pliers he’d apparently been looking for.

“Yeah. I trust that he knows what he’s doing, even if I don’t always understand him.”

Ghoul scratched the back of his head. It felt wrong to question Mikey about his brother, but he told himself that he needed all the information he could get to stay safe.

“That’s what the heads ‘n tails business ‘bout?” He’d been meaning to ask Gerard, but had forgotten about it because of everything else that had been happening. Suddenly it made sense.

“Yeah. I can’t always tell when he’s lying. So sometimes I have to ask. If it’s heads, he’s scheming something. But if it’s tails, he means what he’s saying.”

“And ya just …” Ghoul wasn’t sure how to phrase it. “Trust him to tell ya?”

“Yes,” Mikey said without hesitation. “Absolutely.”

Ghoul felt like he still hadn’t figured Gerard out completely yet.

“Imma get his alarm clock,” he said and got up from the floor. Mikey didn’t seem bothered that he had just cut off the conversation quite abruptly.

He went back to the bedroom to grab Gerard’s alarm and the remains of the model railroad they kept in the closet. Maybe Mikey could use some of the wires as well.

He carried both items back to the living room and sat down on the floor again.

Mikey tensed immediately as his eyes fell on the cardboard box.

“Used some of ‘em wires for the transmitter,” Ghoul explained. “Thought ya could use ‘em, too. Gerard told me ‘s was yours.”

He lifted the lid of the box and looked at Mikey.

“Whatcha need? Tungsten wire?”

Mikey didn’t reply, but he gave a short nod. He suddenly looked like someone who felt unsafe.

“Here,” Ghoul said and placed the alarm in front of Mikey. “Ya handle this.”

Mikey remained still for another moment while Ghoul searched the contents of the box. He picked out every wire he could find, before he closed the cardboard box again and pushed it around the corner of the couch, so it was hidden from view.

He didn’t comment on it any further. Mikey had taken the alarm clock apart with the help of a screwdriver in the meantime. He reached for the wires Ghoul had laid out for him and inspected them, sliding his fingers over the tips as if to tell their function by the feel of it. It seemed to calm him down.

Eventually, he cut up a part of silver wire and started to remove the speakers from the alarm. Ghoul didn’t feel the need to break the silence. He realised that he found it pretty calming to watch Mikey work, too. Sitting still while the apartment was quiet usually made him feel like he was going insane, but shared with another human being, the silence felt comforting. It was different than spending time with Gerard in the evenings, because he usually kept talking. Sitting with Mikey like this reminded him of spending time with Jet.

“I have bad memories about that railroad,” Mikey said. Ghoul hadn’t expected him to bring it up. His voice was quiet, but didn’t sound very distressed. He had paused the movements of his hands though. “I got it for my birthday, shortly after we moved in with Korse. Gerard didn’t leave his room all day. I was very upset. He was crying a lot back then when he thought I couldn’t hear him. I didn’t know how to help.”

Ghoul swallowed hard. It must have been during the time of Gerard’s Scarecrow training.

“Shit,” he said. He was overcome by the familiar feeling of wishing he could go back in time and somehow keep Gerard safe.

“I brought you something else, actually,” Mikey said rather abruptly and put the alarm down to reach for his tool box.

Ghoul wondered if he was supposed to ask what it was, but he assumed Mikey would tell him soon enough anyway.

He pulled a piece of paper from one of the side compartments and held it out to Ghoul.

“Gerard used to draw, you know? All the time when we were kids, even when we still lived with Korse.”

Ghoul knew that creative activities like that weren’t technically illegal in Bat City, but they were definitely a grey area that could get you into trouble easily.

“He got rid of all of them at some point. But I kept a few. I wanted to show you.”

Ghoul took the paper and unfolded it slowly. He wasn’t sure what he had expected, a colourful child’s drawing maybe. But it was a simple pencil sketch. It depicted a bat, all sharp lines and edges, the style a lot darker than he would have expected based on Gerard’s constant rambling and his cheerful smiles. The style was pretty distinct though. Ghoul could imagine getting something like that tattooed onto his body.

“Pretty shiny,” he stated surprised. It really wasn’t what he had expected of Gerard at all.

“Keep it,” Mikey said.

Ghoul held the drawing in his lap indecisively. If Mikey had saved it from getting thrown out, it clearly meant something to him.

“Why?” he asked.

“Gerard likes you,” Mikey said. “He seems happier again. And I don’t really get it. His obsession with sex and all that. But it’s important to him. So I want you to like him back.”

Ghoul looked down at the drawing. For some reason he held on to the paper very carefully. It felt like holding a piece of Gerard in his hands that was almost gone already and he didn’t want to damage it.

“The thing is,” Mikey carried on. Even though he was talking more now, he seemed to choose his words quite deliberately. “I wouldn’t like him either if he was all heads and no tails with me. So I wanted to show you something that’s real.”

Ghoul trailed the outlines of the bat with his fingertips. He felt like he understood what Mikey meant. This was a part of himself that Gerard probably wouldn’t have shown him. It made him more interesting though, a little more human.

Ghoul looked up. “Do you know what he keeps behind that locked door?” he asked.

Mikey shook his head. “I asked, but he wouldn’t tell me.”

Ghoul licked his lips. “Ya think ya could hotwire the lock?”

“Yeah,” Mikey said and picked up the alarm again. “But I won’t.”

“Ya ain’t curious?”

“Gerard has always done everything to keep me safe. If he refuses to tell me, then it’s because he thinks it’s safer for me if I don’t know. And I trust him.”

Ghoul felt slightly disappointed. He had felt like they were bonding. Mikey’s blind loyalty baffled him. He didn’t doubt that Gerard loved Mikey, but his own trust was limited anyway.

“’Kay,” he mumbled, just to indicate that he wasn’t going to push it. He folded the sheet of paper carefully and held it in his lap as he watched Mikey hooking the wire between the plus and minus cords. He seemed so absorbed in the operation that he didn’t even look up when the front door was opened.

Ghoul startled, fearing that Korse was here to pick up Mikey again, and that they would be in trouble. But thankfully, it was Gerard, who gave him a tired smile as he toed off his shoes.

“Hi, Ghoulie. Hi, Mikes. Korse let me know he dropped you off. Sorry I didn’t get here sooner.”

He seemed exhausted and Ghoul felt himself getting angry with Korse all over again. It had been a true dick move to drop Mikey off just to rush Gerard.

Gerard came over and sat down on the floor with them, a little closer to Ghoul than to Mikey. He watched his brother fumbling with the wire.

“I see you kept busy though. Work was absolute fucking hell, but we’re almost done with the current project, so it should calm down soon enough. I left as soon as I could.”

Ghoul smirked to himself, because of course the silence would be filled with a constant flow of words as soon as Gerard got home. As much as he enjoyed the quiet, he found himself not minding Gerard’s rambling at all though.

Gerard paused for a moment as if he was waiting for a reply. Mikey still didn’t look up from his work and Ghoul didn’t know what to say either, because Gerard hadn’t actually asked a question. He felt bad to leave him hanging though.

“Mikey brought a jammer ‘n a booster to help with the radio,” he said, hoping this was the kind of thing Gerard wanted to hear.

“That’s nice,” Gerard said. His voice didn’t sound as cheerful as Ghoul had expected though.

“I make my own decisions,” Mikey said casually.

“I didn’t say anything.” Gerard scoffed.

Mikey looked up and although Ghoul could tell that there was tension hanging in the air, his lips were curled into the tiniest smile.

“I know you don’t want me to get involved, because it’s dangerous and all that,” he said. “But I wanted to help.”

Gerard rolled his eyes dramatically, but he was grinning again. “I’m just worried about you. That’s my job,” he said. “Whatcha building there?”

“A time fuse,” Mikey said and looked back down at his hands. “For a bomb.”

Ghoul held his breath for Gerard’s reaction, but he just sighed. “Right. Are you staying for dinner?”

Mikey shrugged. “I guess.”

Ghoul shifted uncomfortably. “Dinner ain’t ready yet. I forgot ‘cause Mikey got here.”

“It’s fine. We can heat something up. The fridge is fucking stocked after all.”

Ghoul made a face. Gerard’s tone wasn’t accusing, but Ghoul hated throwing away food, so it was his fault there was barely any space left in their fridge. Well, it was partly Gerard’s fault too, because he never finished his servings.

“Mikey’s a bit of a picky eater, but we’ll figure it out. I could make you an omelette. Would that be alright, honey?”

“’Kay,” Mikey agreed.

Ghoul watched Gerard who was looking at Mikey. His expression was softer than usual, his smile not as bright, but quiet and affectionate. It took him by surprise when Gerard turned his head to look at him.

“Whatcha got there?” he asked and pointed at the folded paper Ghoul was still holding. He was slurring the words occasionally now as if to mimic Ghoul’s Zone slang.

Ghoul stared at his hands. His first instinct was to hide the paper and he wasn’t quite sure why. Gerard already reached out to take it.

“Careful,” Ghoul warned. “Mikey gave it to me.”

Gerard frowned as he picked up the paper and unfolded it. His expression was hard to read as he stared down at his own drawing.

“Damn, Mikey, I didn’t know you kept these,” he muttered.

“Please give it back,” Ghoul said, not sure why he sounded so urgent. He was half expecting Gerard to tear up the paper, and that would feel like a betrayal. Mikey had made sure to keep the drawing safe and he had entrusted Ghoul to do the same, so he couldn’t let it get damaged. He had to keep it safe. He didn’t understand why he wanted to keep it safe so badly.

“You wanna keep it?” Gerard grinned at him and it was obvious he intended to look smug. He almost managed, except for the slight tremble around his lips that made his smile look weirdly fragile.

“Yeah,” Ghoul said. “It was a gift. Give it back.”

“I could make you a new one,” Gerard offered. “I could draw you.”

He folded the paper again.

“Yeah?” Ghoul asked, his voice quiet and insecure. He was genuinely curious if Gerard was still drawing these days.

Gerard leaned in, his grin turning cheeky as he held the drawing out to Ghoul, just slightly out of reach.

“I’m sure it would help me improve to have such a pretty model,” he said.

Ghoul bared his teeth at him as he snatched the drawing from his hand, but he couldn’t help the warmth spreading in his stomach. It was confusing how easily Gerard could make him feel like this.

“Didn’t I tell ya to stop flirting?”

“Time and time again.” Gerard tilted back his head, still grinning. “But I guess I’ll never learn.”

Ghoul looked away, feeling his face heating up uncomfortably.

Mikey put down the time fuse. “Done,” he announced. “It should work now if you set the alarm to a certain time.”

“I guess I’ll need a new alarm,” Gerard observed. “Again.”

“Thanks, Mikey,” Ghoul said. “That’s shiny.”

“It was fun,” Mikey said and started packing up his equipment.

Ghoul realised that they should indeed clean up here, in case Korse came back soon. He scrambled to his knees and collected the leftover wires to place them back in the model railroad box, before he carried everything back to the bedroom. 

When he returned to the living room, Gerard had disappeared into the kitchen and he heard the buzzing sound of the microwave. He decided to set the table while Mikey waited on the couch. It felt nice to do this, as if this was his home, too, as if he and Gerard were hosting for a guest like they were an actual couple. It should probably worry him that the idea made him feel warm and cosy inside.

“Soda, right?” he asked and waited for Mikey’s nod, before he fixed their drinks from the kitchen. Gerard was just sliding an omelette onto a plate. The gesture looked very practised, as if he’d done this many times before already. It made Ghoul wonder about all the years he must have taken care of Mikey pretty much by himself.

He had also heated up the leftovers of yesterday’s casserole. Ghoul helped him carry everything to the dining table.

Once they were all seated, Gerard sighed happily.

“This is so much better than always eating by myself,” he said and smiled down at his plate. “I wish it could always be like this.”

Once more Ghoul got the impression that all Gerard needed to feel content was having his loved ones close and it was a sentiment he related to strongly. He almost felt as if he would be happy, too, if only Jet was sitting at the table with them right now.

“I’m actually starving,” Gerard carried on. “They had salad at the cafeteria today, the good one, with actual chicken breasts, not just that synthesised shit. So I was looking forward to that all day. But then right before lunch break, Tom sends me these files I’ve been asking about for hours, yeah? Right before fucking lunch break. So of course I look them over. And when I finally get to the cafeteria, the last salad is snatched from right under my nose. And you know who fucking got it? You know who? Take a fucking guess.”

“Tom,” Mikey and Ghoul said in unison.

Gerard threw his hands into the air. “Fucking Tom!” he yelled and it actually made Ghoul laugh.

Gerard flashed him a grin that looked weirdly triumphant. He always seemed happy when he managed to make Ghoul laugh.

“Fucking prick,” Gerard added and shook his head.

Ghoul frowned. “Does that mean ya didn’t eat at work today at all?”

“Oh please.” Gerard waved his fork in Ghoul’s direction. “I convinced the lunch lady to fix me some leftovers from the back. Katherine adores me. I got a salad with croutons in it. Bet Tom didn’t get fucking croutons.”

Ghoul scoffed. Gerard could be so cocky and dramatic and he absolutely understood why Katherine would have fixed him another salad, because it was hard to tell if he was actually charming or just really annoying until he got his will.

“Sun’s always shining up there, ain’t it?” Ghoul asked and tipped against the side of his own head.

“Sure.” Gerard nodded. “That’s what keeps me so hot.”

Ghoul turned to look at Mikey. “Is there any way to shut him up?” he asked pointedly.

“Not that I know of. Maybe bashing in his head while he sleeps would help. I haven’t tried that yet,” Mikey deadpanned.

Gerard stuck out his tongue. “I don’t think I want you guys hanging out anymore if you’re just going to gang up on me.”

“Fucking union buster,” Ghoul said darkly.

Mikey snorted. It was a small sound, but it couldn’t be mistaken for anything but a laugh. Gerard beamed as if this was the best day of his fucking life and Ghoul couldn’t help feeling a little proud of himself. It was strange, because the city made his skin crawl and he hated the white, sterile walls of the apartment, but the place was beginning to feel a little bit like home anyway.

They were interrupted by the sound of the doorbell and Ghoul pulled up his shoulders instinctively. Whenever he saw Korse, he automatically got the feeling that he was in danger.

He looked down at their empty plates.

“Imma clean the kitchen,” he announced in a small voice and started collecting their plates while Gerard rushed to the door.

He took his time stocking everything in the sink, listening to the voices by the door. He figured that Gerard was flirting and pouting and bargaining again, and as soon as he spotted him, Korse would start picking on Ghoul’s poor manners again. It was better to hide in the kitchen, even though it was rude not to say his goodbyes to Mikey. He figured that if anyone would understand, it was Mikey though.

He turned on the tab to clean the dishes, but he still heard Gerard’s usual ‘love you’ over the sound of the running water, before the door fell shut.

He kept his back to the door, glancing up only briefly when Gerard entered the kitchen. His shoulders looked slumped. Just briefly, Ghoul wondered if he’d told the truth about the lunch lady and the salad at all, or if he’d spent all day hunched over his desk, hungry and tired, trying to fix a broken system all by himself.

“Sorry ya didn’t get to spend more time with Mikey,” Ghoul said. “Korse’s a dick for dropping him off when he knows you’re at work.”

“It’s fine,” Gerard said and picked up a kitchen towel to dry the plate Ghoul handed him. “I’m just happy you’re getting along. Seriously. I mean, not just for me. For Mikey, too. He never really got the chance to make friends and people are easily irritated by him. It’s good he has someone to talk to besides me.”

“He’s funny,” Ghoul said. It was hard to pin down, but Mikey seemed to be aware of how to turn his own curtness into a joke. He was mischievous in a very subtle way.

“He really is,” Gerard said happily as if he hadn’t expected Ghoul to notice. He smiled as he took the next plate from Ghoul.

“He tried to put in a good word for ya, y’know? ‘S why he brought the drawing. Thought I’d like ya better if I saw it.”

“Uh.” Gerard groaned and he sounded seriously embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I’ll ask him to leave it alone.”

“Nah, ‘s sweet,” Ghoul said. “Shows he cares, y’know? Means you’re a good brother.”

Gerard hummed. It was barely audible over the sound of the running water.

“I was wondering ‘bout something though,” Ghoul said slowly. He wasn’t sure if he should really bring it up. He turned off the tap and handed Gerard the third plate. He started drying it with slow, deliberate motions.

“The railroad? Ya told me ya kept it ‘cause of nostalgia, but it made Mikey real uncomfortable. What’s that ‘bout?”

Gerard reacted so suddenly that Ghoul barely had time to jump back. He smashed the plate against the edge of the kitchen counter, breaking it into pieces. The loud noise caused Ghoul to shriek, instinctively bringing up his arms to brace himself for an attack.

Gerard’s expression was grim, angrier than Ghoul had ever seen him. The outburst had shocked him so much that Ghoul had to press his hands to his body to keep them from trembling. Gerard had never acted violent before and suddenly he was scared that he had crossed a line, that he would be punished now, that Gerard had broken the plate to cut him with the shards, that he would be hurt.

But Gerard’s shoulders slumped down again almost immediately.

“Sorry,” he whispered. “I didn’t mean to startle you. I just get so angry thinking about it.”

Ghoul had instinctively stepped back and he was still hesitant to bridge the distance between them again. He was almost as scared to get close to Gerard as he wanted to hug him. He looked lost.

“Did ya cut yourself?” Ghoul asked.

Gerard looked down at his hands as if that hadn’t even occurred to him yet.

“No, I’m fine. It’s just a scratch.”

Ghoul exhaled, then he stepped in, avoiding the shards on the kitchen floor. He took hold of Gerard’s hand and inspected it. Gerard was right, there was a small, red scratch on his finger, but it didn’t even bleed.

“Ya should clean it anyway,” Ghoul said, mostly because it gave him something to do. If he focused on patching Gerard up, he didn’t have to think about all the anger he clearly kept locked inside and that might blow up in his face one day.

He led Gerard over to the sink and turned on the tap, making sure the water was cold.

“I would get rewards,” Gerard said quietly. “I was struggling with the Scarecrow training, but whenever I passed a test, Korse would buy me a reward.”

Ghoul held Gerard’s finger under the cold stream of water. His skin felt warm compared to the water. He couldn’t bring himself to let go.

“Mikey’s birthday was coming up. It was his first birthday without our parents. I really wanted to get him a present.”

Ghoul turned off the water. He was scared to ask the next question. He finally let go of Gerard’s hand to grab a clean kitchen towel. He had cracked a joke about it before, a stupid joke.

“Whatcha do to get it?” he asked, trying to sound casual.

“I killed a man.” Gerard managed to say it like it wasn’t a big deal.

Ghoul thought about Gerard not leaving his room at all on Mikey’s birthday that year.

He started tapping Gerard’s finger with the towel to dry it off. He could have handed him the towel instead, but he wanted to do it himself. Gerard didn’t protest.

“Have you ever killed anyone?” Gerard asked.

Ghoul had expected the question. “Ghosted some Dracs,” he said. “Blew up some places. Dunno who got hurt. Never anyone …” He hesitated, unsure how to phrase it. “… with a face though.”

“Never anyone who was tied to a chair either, I guess,” Gerard said, so dryly he sounded almost sarcastic.

Ghoul held his hand between his palms. He was scared to look up. He didn’t know what would be worse – if Gerard looked broken, or if he looked indifferent.

“His parents named him Robert. I don’t even know his actual name. It always bothered me that I didn’t know.” Ghoul wondered if that meant they’d been a joy, not just a kid who’d run away recently, but someone who had already crafted a new name and identity for themself. He wondered if that made any difference at all.

“He felt like an adult to me then,” Gerard added softly. “But he was younger than I am now. I fucking outlived him.”

Ghoul finally lowered the towel. “Lemme get ya a band-aid,” he mumbled. He was pretty sure that they kept some in the drawer next to the refrigerator.

“You don’t have to, Ghoulie.” Gerard’s voice was irritatingly gentle. “It’s just a scratch.”

Ghoul knew that he was right. They’d never waste a band-aid on something like this in the Zones. It wouldn’t even classify as an injury.

“You’re hurt,” he insisted and opened the drawer. He hated what they had done to Gerard. But there was nothing he could do to change it anymore. All he could handle was this tiny scratch. Taking care of that would have to be enough.

Gerard didn’t protest any further. He just held his finger out to Ghoul, who wrapped the band-aid around it carefully.

He wished Gerard would joke about Ghoul kissing it better instead. He wondered how messed up he had to be to keep the damn model railroad as a reminder of what he had done.

“There ya go,” he said. The band-aid was applied a little wonky. It was usually Jet who was in charge of these things.

He looked up to meet Gerard’s eyes. His expression was hard to read, ranging somewhere between sadness and affection. The anger was gone, at least for now.

“Does it still hurt?” Ghoul asked.

Gerard looked down at his finger. Neither of them seemed sure what Ghoul was actually referring to.

Gerard smiled. Except for the small, hard line at the corner of his mouth, it looked genuine.

“I’ll survive,” he said.

Chapter Text

Ghoul squinted, trying to read Gerard’s expression. It looked mostly blank, but his lips were twitching as if he was trying not to grin.

“Fold,” Ghoul decided and slapped his cards down.

“Oh, sugar,” Gerard said with mock pity, exposing his hand. Two of hearts, seven of diamonds, pretty much worthless overall.

“What the fuck?” Ghoul scoffed as Gerard pulled the plastic chips towards himself.

Ghoul prided himself in his poker abilities. Often enough, there was nothing else to do in the Zones and a round of poker usually helped break the ice when meeting another crew. And while Ghoul wasn’t the best player out there, he was fairly decent, a lot better than Jet anyway.

Gerard had been kicking his ass all evening though. He didn’t even seem serious about the game; most of all he seemed giddy. It was either a flawless act, or just dumb luck.

“Another round?” Gerard suggested. He stacked his plastic chips. It created a clicking noise. Ghoul had been surprised he owned a proper poker set, since any form of gambling was strictly banned in Bat City. They weren’t playing for money of course, but he was still pretty sure the game itself was illegal anyway. Apparently, Korse had gotten it for Gerard, since he deemed poker to be character moulding. It seemed perfectly in line with his general ideas of how to raise a teenager.

“I’m pretty sure ya cheating,” Ghoul complained.

“And I’m pretty sure ya couldn’t call a bluff if it stuck its hand down ya pants,” Gerard countered.

In spite of himself Ghoul snorted with laughter.

“That’s not a saying,” he pointed out.

“Well, it should be.” Gerard tugged at a strand of his hair and pouted slightly.

Ghoul scoffed, but he couldn’t help feeling affectionate all the same.

“Come on, one last round. Winner takes it all,” Gerard offered. “Then we’ll go to sleep.”

“Fine, but I’ll shuffle the cards first. I still think ya cheating somehow.”

Gerard shrugged, as if he didn’t really care.

Ghoul picked up the cards and started shuffling them.

They were sitting on the living room floor, Gerard leaning against the couch. For some reason, he seemed to prefer sitting on the floor, too, although other than Ghoul he had hardly been raised that way. Maybe it was the fact that it allowed them to sit closer together, without needing a table in between them to place their bets. It made looking at each other easier, although Ghoul found it astonishingly hard to read Gerard’s expression most of the time.

Gerard watched Ghoul’s hands as he shuffled the cards, running his own fingers through his hair. He kept tugging at the strands as if he needed to get a sense of their new length. He’d done so all evening and his lips curled in distaste every time.

The hairdresser had been over in the early evening: a quiet woman in a white Bli suit. She had taken one look at Ghoul, who had immediately hidden behind Gerard. Miraculously, he’d been spared and his hair was still as long and entangled as ever. But Gerard’s roots had been freshly bleached, Ghoul could smell the sharp stench of chemicals on him. She had also cut off the dry, yellowish tips, so now his hair was only barely long enough to tuck it away behind his ears and he seemed extremely displeased by that.

“Stop doing that,” Ghoul scolded, slowing down his hand movements. “She didn’t cut off too much. Ya still look nice.”

He thought that Gerard would probably look nice with any haircut, but just the thought of saying that out loud made his face feel hot. He didn’t like seeing him insecure, but he was bad at giving compliments and also didn’t want Gerard to misunderstand his intentions.

He wished he could just kiss him. Because he could imagine the way Gerard would beam at him if he did, how validated and happy he would feel. It would stop him from thinking about his hair and it would be a lot simpler than trying to comfort him with words. Kissing him would definitely send the wrong signals, though.

Gerard looked up, smiling softly. There was a tenderness in his smile that was hard to place. It looked sad, but like he was grateful for the effort. It really made Ghoul want to try harder.

“Thanks, Ghoulie,” he said.

Ghoul had noticed that recently, whenever Gerard used that nickname, his chest seemed to constrict a little. There was no one else who had ever called him Ghoulie before.

He cleared his throat, averting his eyes, hoping that Gerard wouldn’t notice how easily he got flustered these days.

“It’s just … I hate that it wasn’t my choice, you know? They control my diet, they decide how I wear my hair and it feels like this isn’t even my body. Most of the time it feels like it fucking isn’t, anyway.”

Ghoul tried to make a sympathetic face. He hadn’t expected Gerard to be so vulnerable, and he didn’t know what to say, so he just handed out the cards and put down the flop.

“All in, yeah?” he asked and Gerard demonstratively pushed his chips forward.

Ghoul mustered a small smile. “Mind’s still free, though,” he added somewhat helplessly.

Gerard nodded and studied his cards. “It’s just for the big day tomorrow anyway. We’re finally airing the report on Zone 3. I’ll grow it back after that.”

He rubbed his face, which was usually a sign that he was tired or feeling troubled. Ghoul took a look at his own hand. Based on Gerard’s expression, he probably stood a chance.

“Call,” he mumbled and pushed all of his remaining chips onto the pile between them. “What happened in Zone 3 anyway?”

“Officially?” Gerard shrugged. He never bothered to make up stories when Ghoul asked. He no longer tried to keep the disdain out of his voice when talking about his job either. “A shootout between killjoys and some Dracs, when the joys stole a large food delivery truck. So now there’s a temporary food shortage and Zone 3 has been declared a high risk territory, because of the killjoy attacks. There’s no free passage between the bordering Zones allowed for the time being.”

“And what happened for real?” Ghoul lowered his cards into his lap.

“Issues in Bli’s production chain caused a temporary food shortage in Zone 3, which then led to uprisings by hungry civilians that were violently beaten down by Dracs and resulted in a few dead bodies that need explaining now.”

Ghoul sighed. He didn’t know why he had asked. He’d known the answer would only make him feel angry and frustrated.

“What took ya so long to run it?” He remembered that Korse had pushed for the report several days ago already.

“There’s no footage of killjoys attacking a food truck in Zone 3,” Gerard explained patiently and looked down at his cards again. He seemed disappointed, so Ghoul was pretty sure that he would beat him this time. “We had to film it first.”

“Ya just … staging it?” He had never questioned where Bli got their footage from. He’d thought it was collected by drones or something. There were enough shootouts in the Zones every day.

“Yeah, we keep the clothes of the killjoys who get captured. There’s a warehouse for props and costumes. Those people in the footage are usually actors.”

“Shit’s fucked,” Ghoul said and shook his head. The more he learned about Bli’s methods, the more he realised how messed up the system actually was. He wondered if any of the joys out there had ever really thought about how essential misinformation was to Bli’s success.

“It’s fucked,” Gerard agreed. “It’s tricky, too, because we’re supposed to keep everyone scared enough to conform for the sake of their own safety. But we’re not allowed to upset them so much that they’d experience emotions strong enough to break them out of their drug induced haze. That’s where the whole system is flawed. They want to create a society without any messy emotions. But no surveillance state can exist without fear. According to Thomas Hobbes, fear of death and search for comfort are a citizen's main motivators within the political landscape and ideally, the state should be the source of both. If Bli is the only thing that provides safety as well as comfort, it becomes inevitable. That’s totalitarianism 101. They taught us that shit during the Scarecrow training, at least if we specialised in propaganda and not just in mindlessly dusting people.” He scrunched up his nose. “And yet they barely know how to walk that line.”

Ghoul narrowed his eyes. Sometimes, he found it hard to follow Gerard’s rants, as if he was able to see an invisible web behind everything, that was just hidden from Ghoul. Then he wished Jet would be here, because he was pretty sure that he would understand more of it than Ghoul did, even if he hadn’t read the same fancy books as Gerard.

“Ya think it’ll fall apart?” he asked carefully, not sure if that was really what Gerard had meant to say.

Gerard nodded. “With the right counter narrative, I think it would. But don’t tell on me. Now, show me your cards.”

Ghoul exposed his hand, an eight and a ten, not great, but solid.

Gerard dropped his two queens on the floor and grinned.

“Motherfucker,” Ghoul said as he turned the community cards. “Should no one have that much luck.”

“You know what they say.” Gerard tilted his head. “Lucky at cards, unlucky in love. You could turn my luck around, you know? Gimme a kiss and you might just win the next round.”

Ghoul scoffed, but he felt himself flushing anyway. He was pretty sure that Gerard would let him win in exchange for a kiss.

“I’m done playing with ya,” he announced and started collecting the cards. He had to admit that the evening had been fun though. It was one of those nights where he felt sure that they would have been friends if they had met out in the Zones, too. “Ya got magic or some shit.”

Gerard giggled. “We should play with Mikey sometime. He’s the best player I know. He’s got one hell of a poker face.”

Ghoul could imagine that all too well. He caught himself hoping that Mikey would come over on the weekend if Gerard was done with his report by then. It wasn’t just that he enjoyed Mikey’s company, he also liked Gerard better when he was around his brother. It made him just a little bit sillier, a little more real, a little less angry.

“Sure. Ya should get ready for bed though, big day tomorrow, lots of lies to spread. I’ll clean up.”

“Thanks, honey.” Gerard stretched his arms over his head and yawned. He didn’t cover his mouth when he did, but his manners were always lacking.

Ghoul collected the plastic chips to put them back into their container while Gerard left for the bathroom. Ghoul wasn’t exactly tired yet, since he slept in late, but he usually went to bed with Gerard anyway, so he wouldn’t accidentally wake him by coming into the room in the middle of the night. He also liked the little ritual they had established, of holding each other, of feeling one another close for a while before drifting off to sleep.

So he went to the bathroom to brush his teeth and change into his pyjamas once Gerard was done. When he entered the bedroom, Gerard had already curled up under the sheets, just the bedside lamp was still illuminating the room.

Ghoul climbed over him to get into the bed behind him, lifting the blanket to sneak closer. They didn’t have to talk about it anymore, it was just a given at this point that they would share the blanket, cuddling up to each other as if they’d done so for years already.

There was no established position though, just an unspoken rule that whoever needed it most that day got to be the smaller spoon. Gerard had a good radar for it. He always seemed to know exactly when Ghoul was missing his friends or when he felt down in general. Gerard’s arms around him usually kept the terrors at bay, but he never complained when Ghoul woke him with his screaming in the middle of the night either.

Only once, Gerard had startled awake in his arms, not screaming, just gasping for air quietly, his body shaking and damp with sweat. Ghoul had stroked his hair and hummed into his ear until he had fallen back asleep.

Obviously, Gerard had decided that he was the one who needed comfort tonight. Ghoul snuck closer and wrapped his arm around Gerard, who relaxed into the touch immediately.

“Good night, Gee,” he mumbled, waiting for Gerard to turn off the lights.

“Good night, Ghoulie. Love you.”

Something solid seemed to clog up Ghoul’s throat and his grip tightened instinctively as Gerard moved to switch off the light. He paused in his motion, clearly waiting for Ghoul to either speak or let him go.

Ghoul knew that it wasn’t a big deal. The words had slipped out, because Gerard used them constantly. But he had never told Ghoul before. He wasn’t sure if it made him happy or uncomfortable, but either way, it deserved some kind of reaction.

“Ya say that a lot,” he whispered.

Gerard settled back into his arms, leaving the light on as if he was getting ready for a longer conversation.

“Well, yeah. I try to say it whenever I feel it. Bli tries to take our feelings away, because it’s supposed to be easier that way, but it’s just more shitty. So I’m trying to cherish them, especially the good ones. Like, one day I might not be able to feel it anymore, so there is no point in bottling it up. I don’t want to regret not saying it when I fucking felt it, you know? I’m not sure I’m making sense.”

Ghoul swallowed.

“You tell Korse. Every time.” It hadn’t meant to sound as accusing as it did.

Gerard exhaled, so softly Ghoul would have missed it if he hadn’t been holding him so close.

“It’s never easy. There’s always so many reasons not to say it. More than there are for saying it, I guess. With Korse it’s complicated. I have a lot of feelings about him and not all of them are good. And with you, I’m worried it will make you feel uncomfortable. That’s why I didn’t say it sooner. But it doesn’t change the fact that the love is there, and that should be enough of a reason to say it. It’s complicated, but it’s love. So I want to acknowledge that.”

Ghoul closed his eyes. He didn’t understand why his chest was hurting so much. He pictured Gerard’s cheerful, toothy grin that could appear on his face from one moment to the next. And he thought of Gerard choosing to focus on the love he felt instead of the mess surrounding it, because his ability to love was the one thing he didn’t want to lose to Bli.

There was something heart-breaking in the way he held on to his own positivity almost aggressively, because he refused to be broken by a system that had tried so hard to break him.

Gerard lived his life like they did in the Zones: out in the desert, you told someone that you liked them, you kissed the people you fancied and you held them close while you could – because there might not be a second chance for it.

Except out in the Zones, it was always mutual. Ghoul had never hesitated to tell Jet that he loved him, even though he wasn’t the sentimental type. It was just a truth that shouldn’t go unsaid, and Jet never hesitated to say it back.

But Korse always left in silence and although it was obvious that Mikey loved his brother, expressing his emotions clearly wasn’t his strong suit.

Ghoul wondered if anyone had told Gerard that they loved him since he’d lost his parents. It was the first time Ghoul stopped to think about the implications of deportation, too. His own parents had died when he was young, but he had never doubted that they loved him. Gerard’s parents were probably still out there somewhere, they had just forgotten about him. Even though he knew what reprogramming did to a person, he imagined that it might feel like they simply hadn’t loved you enough to find their way back to you, especially if you were still a teenager.

In Gerard’s place, he’d probably have stopped believing in love altogether at this point. And yet he had somehow convinced himself that this stupid Supervised Reintegration Program held the possibility of love for him. Somehow, he still found the strength to say the words, to put himself out there over and over again, only to be faced with silence and rejection time and time again, until the words themselves sounded like a joke.

He didn’t seem to expect anyone to say it back. He just said it, because he cherished the chance to say it at all. Ghoul didn’t think that Gerard had expected him to say it back either.

“Gerard?” he asked. He thought of all the fondness he felt for this sad, lost, annoying, smart brat who refused to give up, who would do anything to keep his people safe and who loved harder and with more determination than anyone Ghoul had ever met. “Don’t take this the wrong way. Cause it doesn’t mean whatcha want it to mean.” He licked his lips. “But, y’know, I love ya, too.”

Gerard buried his head in the pillow, even though Ghoul couldn’t see his face to begin with.

Ghoul sensed the tremble running through his body and at first, he thought that Gerard was crying again, but then he realised he was muffling a happy, helpless laugh.

“I love you … three,” he said and giggled. It sounded goofy and as if hearing the words had made him so happy, that he just couldn’t help but say it again.

Ghoul scoffed and pulled Gerard a little closer again, pressing his nose against his neck. Gerard had used his desert flower shampoo that smelled sweet and fresh and flowery, and nothing like the desert at all. His hair also still smelled of bleach, and that was a smell that did remind Ghoul of home.

“Ya always need to have the last word, don’t ya?” he mumbled with a smile.

Gerard chuckled again. “Yeah,” he confirmed. Then he switched off the light.

Chapter Text

“Come on, they are going to be here any moment now,” Gerard said and tried to move the coffee table by himself.

They had just finished cleaning the kitchen and Ghoul still wasn’t sure what the point of any of this was. It was late already and Gerard would have to go to work tomorrow. It just didn’t seem like the best time for a sleepover.

“I don’t get why ya couldn’t wait til the weekend,” he muttered and went to help Gerard with the table to clear more space in the living room.

It wasn’t the only available date or anything. He’d overheard Gerard on the phone with Korse before dinner. He had begged him to bring Mikey over tonight.

“There’s always another project and I just finished this one.” Gerard straightened himself. His hair had come undone and he brushed a loose strand from his forehead. “I just want to spend time with Mikey before they can find an excuse to keep him away again.”

He sounded pouty, but Ghoul could hardly argue. He didn’t mind that Mikey would be over tonight, he just felt irritated that Gerard acted like a bratty child, who had to get his wishes fulfilled immediately.

“And I promised you a rematch,” Gerard added. He’d already put the cards and chips out on the table. “It will be even more fun with Mikey around. You’ll get your ass kicked by two people.”

Ghoul scoffed. “We’ll see ‘bout that,” he muttered, but was interrupted when the doorbell rang.

Gerard danced over to the front door, while Ghoul kept in the background. He wasn’t very keen on bringing himself to Korse’s attention.

“There you are!” Gerard chimed and extended his arms. “Hug?”

“No, thanks,” Mikey said and walked past him, dropping a backpack on the floor.

“I’m going to pick him up tomorrow morning on my way to work. I assume you’ll already be out,” Korse said.

“Yeah, I figured. But why don’t you come in for a bit, love?” Gerard waved Korse into the apartment and Ghoul felt himself tensing up instinctively. He told himself that Gerard was just being polite, that he didn’t actually want Korse to stay. “We’re gonna play Poker. You could join in, just like old times.”

Korse looked past Gerard briefly and Ghoul was convinced that he’d say no.

“I can’t. Someone handed in the script for the morning news broadcast last minute and I still have to go over it for revisions tonight.”

Gerard pouted. “There’s still time. It’s just a regular old broadcast. You won’t have to revise much, I promise. It’s a solid piece. Don’t take everything so seriously. You haven’t played with us in ages.”

To his surprise, Ghoul noticed Korse’s hesitation.

“I still have work to do,” he insisted.

“You know what they say.” Gerard put his hand on his hip. It was hard to tell if he was being cocky or flirty, or both. “All work and no play makes you bash in someone’s head with an axe at some point. And that just isn’t cute.”

“Well, some of us have to take their job seriously,” Korse insisted.

Ghoul threw a questioning look at Mikey, but his expression didn’t give away anything either.

Gerard lowered his head and without being able to see his face properly, Ghoul knew that he was batting his eyelashes.

“Or are you scared to lose, old man?”

His tone was definitely flirty, but it wasn’t quite the usual flirting tone he used on Korse. This one could be ignored easily – it was meant to tempt, not irritate.

“One round,” Korse said and Ghoul felt something in his chest freezing up. He’d more or less looked forward to the evening, but now he’d have to keep up his guard.

Gerard acted playful about it, as if he really just wanted to spend time with the people he cared about, one of which happened to be Bli’s Head Exterminator. But he had to know that the atmosphere would be tense.

Ghoul looked at Mikey again, but he still seemed unbothered. He was first to sit down on the floor, too, starting to split the plastic chips into four even stacks. Ghoul was surprised they were seemingly meant to sit on the floor, even with Korse around.

He sat down next to Mikey hesitantly, wishing he could run and hide. He knew that it was just a matter of time until Korse would start picking on him.

Gerard joined them on the floor, sitting down at Ghoul’s other side. Korse took off his coat, leaving him in the frilly, white shirt that fell down over his knuckles. For the first time, Ghoul caught himself thinking that he actually wasn’t bad looking at all and that thought bothered him more than it should. His relationship with Gerard was none of Ghoul’s business.

Gerard picked up the deck of cards as Korse sat down, facing Ghoul, which made him extremely uncomfortable. Korse probably thought that Ghoul shouldn’t be here in the first place, but locked in the bedroom or something.

Gerard started shuffling the cards, but Ghoul held out his hand almost instinctively.

Gerard chuckled and handed him the deck without a comment.

“Frank thinks I’m cheating,” he told Korse as Ghoul started to shuffle the deck. It irritated him how easy it seemed for Gerard to switch between names. He never once slipped up.

“Are you?” Korse asked, his attention on Gerard, not on Ghoul.

Gerard threw back his head with loud, obnoxious laughter.

“Like a motherfucker,” he confirmed.

“Language, Gee,” Korse scolded. The fact that he used his nickname made Ghoul feel dizzy. He had thought that it was a thing between Mikey and Gerard only. He wished Korse and Gerard would go back to their weird power play. It was almost scarier when they acted like a family. What bothered Ghoul the most was that they acted like a couple more than like father and son.

He started handing out the cards while Mikey distributed the plastic chips.

Everyone took a moment to study their hand. Ghoul was surprised that even Gerard seemed focused; at least focused enough to stop chatting for two seconds.

“Bet,” Mikey said and pushed some of his chips forward. He had stocked them into neat little piles of exactly five chips each.

“Call,” Korse agreed and pushed the same amount of chips forward.

Gerard grinned. “Raise,” he declared and put ten chips forward.

Ghoul eyed his cards again, throwing Gerard a dark glance. His hand wasn’t great, but it was too soon to opt out.

“Call,” he agreed and pushed ten chips towards the centre as well. It was weird how all of them were sitting on the floor, informal and close to each other, like they were staying at a hideout in the Zones and not a luxury apartment in Bat City.

He put the first three community cards down between them.

“Call,” Mikey said and pushed more chips forward to match Gerard’s raise. Ghoul studied his face to tell if his cards were promising, but it was impossible to read Mikey’s expression.

“Call.” Korse added more chips to the jackpot as well.

“Raise,” Gerard announced in a sing-song voice. Ghoul couldn’t tell if he had an amazing hand, or if he was trying to be annoying.

He watched Gerard add more chips again and put down his own cards. “Fold,” he declared. It bugged him that he had already wasted so many chips only to opt out early, but he couldn’t keep up with Gerard if he burned through his chips at this pace.

He turned the fourth community card.

Mikey took his time before making a decision. “Call,” he finally said and put his chips forward.

“Fold.” Korse dropped his cards. Ghoul threw him a curious look. He had expected him to be stubborn as a matter of principle, but he seemed to be a rather careful player.

Gerard titled his head. He was eyeing Mikey now, even leaning forward as if studying him closely could somehow help him with his decision. Mikey was avoiding direct eye contact, but that seemed to be pretty typical for him.

“I’m calling bluff,” Gerard said and leaned back again with a satisfied nod. “Imma raise.”

He put a generous amount of chips forward and Ghoul turned the last community card.

He studied Mikey’s face, trying to decide if he was pleased with the result or disappointed. It was impossible to tell.

“Call,” he said and met Gerard’s raise again.

Gerard flashed him a toothy grin and nodded shortly before turning his cards. Mikey did the same. It hadn’t been a bluff. Gerard’s hand was solid, but nowhere near as good as Mikey’s. 

“Oh, damn you, Mikes!” Gerard cursed as Mikey pulled the chips he’d won towards himself and started stacking them into proper piles again. “All these years I busted my sweet ass for you, and this is the thanks I get?”

He didn’t seem mad though. In fact, Gerard was grinning and Ghoul wondered if he had been trying to break the ice by going in too strong.

“You play too riskily,” Korse said and looked at Gerard with a stern sort of affection.

“What can I say?” Gerard touched his own neck. The gesture looked absent-minded and yet somehow suggestive at the same time. “I like it risky. It’s just more exciting that way.”

Ghoul looked away quickly from where his fingers were brushing the collar of his shirt now.

“You’re staying for another round though, right?” He was obviously talking to Korse. Ghoul kept his eyes lowered. “Winner gets a kiss.”

“Is that a threat?” Mikey asked dryly. He had picked up the cards to shuffle them.

Gerard stuck out his tongue. “If you beat me again, you’ll have to sleep on the floor tonight. That’s a threat.”

“Be nice to your brother,” Korse said mildly. He said it like he’d said it a million times before.

Ghoul peeked up at him, trying not to draw attention, while Mikey handed out the cards. Korse was smirking slightly and he looked weirdly content and not at all in a rush to get home. Gerard had never mentioned anyone else while talking about their time living with Korse, so Ghoul assumed that he didn’t have a family of his own. He assumed that it was much nicer to sit here with the kids he’d raised than returning to his apartment to finish work all by himself. His place probably looked as sterile and impersonal as Gerard’s.

Ghoul sometimes hated this part of himself, the part that was all soft. Jet always told him to toughen up, but it didn’t matter that Korse had hurt Ghoul, it didn’t matter that he had threatened him and still posed a danger to all of them. If Ghoul thought about his loneliness for too long and about his reasons to adopt two kids and become weirdly possessive of Gerard, he couldn’t help but feel sorry for him. It was hard to hate someone once you acknowledged they were actually human.

They took another moment to study their cards. Ghoul’s hand looked pretty promising this time.

Korse placed his bet, and his prior loss seemed to have made Gerard more careful, because while he met the bet, he didn’t raise, allowing Ghoul to stay in the game without risking too many of his remaining chips. Neither him nor Korse had lost too much in the first round, but he didn’t want to turn reckless.

Mikey folded in the second round, and during the third Ghoul raised. Korse and Gerard both held his bet. The jackpot wasn’t as big this time, mostly because Gerard hadn’t raised as aggressively, but that only meant his hand probably wasn’t as strong this time around.

“Alright, baby,” Gerard said and grinned at Korse when it was time for the showdown. “Show me yours, I’ll show you mine.”

Ghoul rolled his eyes. He would have liked to scold Gerard, but didn’t dare to speak up in front of Korse. Although the atmosphere was surprisingly relaxed and he hadn’t been attacked even once so far, he still didn’t dare to draw attention to himself. He also didn’t want to act too familiar with Gerard.

Korse exposed his hand and Ghoul was relieved to see his two pairs. His own straight was going to beat that.

Gerard put his cards down. For a moment Ghoul just stared at the flush in disbelief. Gerard had played this round carelessly, as if he hadn’t actually expected to win.

“Motherfucker,” Ghoul mumbled before he could stop himself and showed his hand.

Gerard giggled. “Looks like I should have played risky this time, huh?” he teased and pulled the jackpot towards himself. It wasn’t enough to cover his previous loss, but it put him back on the map. Other than Mikey, he didn’t bother to stock his chips properly again.

Ghoul noticed that Korse was looking at him. He was studying Ghoul’s cards and for the first time tonight, he seemed to actually pay attention to him. It made Ghoul uncomfortable, even though Korse’s gaze wasn’t hostile.

“I also think I was promised a kiss,” Gerard added.

“No one here agreed to that,” Mikey grumbled, but Gerard just grinned.

“Means I get to pick.”

He looked around as if to carefully consider his options.

His eyes landed on Ghoul, who automatically felt his face flushing hot. He hoped Gerard wouldn’t ask him for a kiss. It would be like Gerard to do just that of course, even though it was dangerous. Because Ghoul couldn’t possibly agree to it without letting Korse know he didn’t hate Gerard as much as he was supposed to, but if he fought it too hard, he might get into trouble for disobedience. He figured that Gerard knew all of this. But as he had pointed out, he did like taking risks.

His eyes wandered to Mikey. Asking Mikey for a kiss would be the safest option. Mikey would refuse, Gerard would be very dramatic about it and turn it into a joke. No one would get upset. Ghoul really hoped he would ask Mikey.

Gerard turned his head to look at Korse. Ghoul noticed the subtle chance in his body language, like a predator ready to stalk its prey.

Ghoul’s heart seemed to be beating in his throat. He had no idea how Korse would react, but he knew that he wasn’t going to like it either way.

Gerard extended his hand to Korse, holding it out like waiting for him to kiss the ring.

“Pay up, sugar,” he cooed.

He didn’t move, didn’t look at anyone but Korse, as if Ghoul and Mikey weren’t even there. Ghoul’s mouth tasted bitter. He understood that Gerard was stroking Korse’s ego. He also knew that Gerard owed him absolutely nothing. It shouldn’t bother him that Gerard had picked Korse. He expected him to refuse anyway.

But Korse took Gerard’s hand, placing a gentle kiss on his knuckles. He wasn’t just kissing the air above it either; Ghoul paid enough attention to tell that it was lips on skin. Korse wasn’t looking at anyone but Gerard either.

Ghoul wanted to punch him. It wasn’t right that he was looking at Gerard like that. He had practically raised him. Ghoul had to fight the instinct to wrap his arms around Gerard to shield him. This wasn’t about jealousy. He just wanted to touch Gerard to make absolutely sure that Korse understood that if he ever laid a finger on him against his will, Ghoul would tear him to pieces with his bare hands.

“I love winning,” Gerard purred and lowered his hand.

Korse picked up the cards to shuffle them. He obviously intended to stay for a while.

Ghoul studied the hand he was dealt, not feeling especially hopeful this time. Gerard placed his bet, but no one was reckless enough to raise before the first community cards were turned. Gerard raised, but not very aggressively this time.

Ghoul studied the cards, but decided that it wasn’t worth the risk. Even if the bet was low, he was most likely going to lose and he didn’t feel like wasting chips unnecessarily.

“Fold,” he declared and dropped his cards.

Once more Korse seemed to focus on him with sudden interest, as if he hadn’t expected Ghoul to play this carefully.

“You’re not a bad player,” he observed while meeting Mikey’s raise.

Ghoul clenched his jaw. He wanted to growl at Korse, or ask him why the fuck he had expected him to be bad in the first place. It moreover seemed like a pretty condescending statement, given that Ghoul hadn’t won a single game so far.

But Korse’s tone hadn’t been aggressive and he hadn’t tried to provoke Ghoul so far. If anything, his observation sounded almost like a peace offering. Usually, Ghoul wouldn’t play nice with a Crow, but he knew that it was important to Gerard that they all got along.

Right now, he seemed happy, humming quietly as he held the raise. Ghoul wanted to keep him happy. He wanted to prove that he was trying.

“We play a lot in the Zones,” he mumbled.

“I assume you gamble for supplies?” Korse asked.

Ghoul pressed his lips shut. It felt like he was being interrogated again, even though Korse’s tone was casual. Everything inside of him wanted to fight, but he knew that if he did, it would be his fault if the situation escalated. The question was innocent enough, it almost counted as smalltalk. If Ghoul really wanted to make an effort, he was supposed to keep sharing.

He glanced at Gerard, hoping for a sign that told him what to do. But Gerard stared down at his cards almost deliberately, as if he didn’t want to influence Ghoul in any way. He wasn’t going to force him to play nice.

“We gamble for luxury items,” he finally said. “A record, or a lipstick, stuff like that. Not food ‘n meds ‘n stuff though. Those gotta be shared fairly. Ain’t right to play for ‘em.”

“Ah.” Korse let out a soft exhale that sounded almost amused. “You should watch out that he doesn’t convert you, Gerard. It seems you let a communist into your bed.”

“It’s our bed now, actually,” Gerard said without missing a beat.

Ghoul snorted and Korse laughed and the sound startled him so much that he looked up. For a brief second, he made eye contact with Korse and it didn’t feel awful. It felt as if in spite of their differences, they could agree on Gerard.

“You should be careful,” Korse warned, although he still sounded good-humoured. “Not everyone can take a joke.”

“I know when to be careful”, Gerard said and folded.

Korse and Mikey showed their hands, and once more the jackpot went to Mikey. He had gathered by far the most chips at this point and seemed to deliberately stay out of the conversation. It was hard to tell how much he cared about it in the first place.

Gerard started shuffling the cards. He had a careless way of flicking his wrist while he did, keeping it slack as if the motion was just an afterthought to him. Ghoul kept looking at his hands. Gerard’s nails were short, but perfectly manicured.

He handed out the cards and this time, Korse managed to win, after Ghoul and Mikey had dropped out early. Gerard never folded until the very last round, as if he always stayed hopeful that his luck might still turn around, even if it meant taking an unnecessary risk.

“I should go now,” Korse observed. He had managed to maintain the chips he’d been given in the beginning, while both Ghoul and Gerard had lost some to Mikey.

“Come on, another round,” Gerard begged. For a moment it looked as if he wanted to reach out to Korse, but he didn’t. Ghoul had already noticed that he never really touched him.

“Again, I still have to revise tomorrow’s news report,” Korse reminded him sternly.

Ghoul hesitated to pick up the cards. It was his turn to distribute them, but he could tell that the final decision hadn’t been made yet.

“Or you could just not.” Gerard shrugged. “What’s on the agenda anyway? A club raid at the Lobby and the reopening of a new shopping centre? You could trust me and just sign off on it instead of nitpicking my grammar to feel responsible. How badly can I fuck this up?”

Korse smirked. “For one, you could say fuck on live television.”

Gerard giggled. “I would hardly put that in the script, would I? I’m not fucking stupid.”

Korse scoffed, side-eying Gerard with a mixture of annoyance and affection that Ghoul found very relatable.

“It’s hardly a major broadcast. You could let it slide only this once,” Gerard kept tempting and leaned back, starting to fumble with the buttons of his shirt. “You’re way too uptight. Would it kill you to break the rules once? For me?”

“I’m not reckless like you.”

Ghoul observed Korse, who was watching Gerard as he continued to undo the buttons of his shirt all the way down. He was wearing a white undershirt that clung to his body tightly.

“But being reckless is so exciting. Just do it later. Go wild. Stay up an hour past your bedtime, baby. You need to let loose sometimes.”

Gerard slipped the shirt off his shoulders and tossed it onto the couch behind him. Ghoul looked at his bare arms, the curve of his bony shoulders, the dark hair that showed as he exposed his armpits by raising his hands to run them through his hair, leaving it behind ruffled and messy. He acted like he had taken off his shirt, because he was hot, but the AC was going strong and Gerard’s nipples were visibly hard through his undershirt.

Ghoul averted his eyes quickly, just in time to catch Korse looking away just as abruptly. He studied Ghoul as if curious for his reaction now that he remembered he was still in the room. There was an awkward tension between the three of them as Gerard rolled his shoulders and arched his back and Ghoul and Korse watched each other deliberately not looking at Gerard. Ghoul hoped that he wasn’t blushing.

“Another half an hour,” Korse finally agreed. His tone was hard to read. “Then you should go to sleep as well.” He still wasn’t looking at Gerard.

“Yeah, yeah.” Gerard waved dismissively.

Ghoul picked up the cards, grateful that it gave him something to do with his hands. He kept his eyes cast down, pretending to focus on shuffling. He felt tense and nervous. Gerard played a game too risky for his tastes.

Mikey opened the round by placing his bet. Ghoul kept glancing at Korse, trying not to make it obvious that he was staring.

Korse seemed rather collected again, he took turns looking at all of them, as if to guess their hands. But whenever his eyes landed on Gerard, they seemed unable to stay on his face. They trailed down his bare arms, skinny like the rest of him, his biceps noticeable only when he reached up to touch his hair, almost like he was flexing. Ghoul didn’t need to look at Gerard to know what Korse saw. He knew the shadow underneath his collarbone and the way the waistband of his pants cut into his hips. He wanted to wrap him in a blanket, so Korse wouldn’t be able to look at him anymore. He wasn’t sure if he felt protective or just possessive; the lines were starting to blur.

Mikey won another round, possibly because he was the only one not distracted by the amount of skin his brother was showing. He started handing out cards again right after, not even pausing to give Korse the chance to refuse another round.

Gerard suppressed a yawn, but he did so poorly, opening his mouth wide without covering it with his hand. Half of the time, he acted like he’d been raised by wolves.

“You should go to sleep soon,” Korse pointed out, rather gently this time. “You’ll have to get up early. You’ll need to go over my revisions before the morning broadcast.”

“Or!” Gerard pointed his finger at him while he picked up the cards Mikey had handed him. “You sign off on it without making revisions. You get to stay for another round after this and I get to sleep for an hour longer in the morning. It’s a win-win.”

Korse scoffed, but placed his bet. “I knew I shouldn’t have brought Mikey over before the weekend.”

Gerard pushed his chips forward, stretching himself in a way that wasn’t at all necessary for the motion.

“I missed this,” he said. “I’m happy. I want everyone to be happy, just for a bit.”

He genuinely did seem happy that everyone appeared to be having a good time. It was clearly what mattered to him the most. Even keeping Korse around instead of letting him go home seemed like a way of making sure he wouldn’t overwork himself. He tried to take care of him the same way he tried to take care of Ghoul and Mikey. 

They continued their round, Mikey dropped out early and Ghoul managed to get the jackpot for the first time tonight. The winnings weren’t huge this time either, but big enough to earn back what he had lost so far.

Korse won the following round and then it was Gerard’s turn to hand out the cards again. 

Ghoul’s hand was pretty solid, but Mikey raised the stakes as soon as the community cards were shared and if Ghoul had learned one thing so far, it was that one did not fuck with Mikey. He seemed to have a sixth sense for when it was better to drop out and when to go all in.

So he folded and Korse followed suit when it was his turn, leaving only Gerard and Mikey.

Gerard stared at his cards and then at Mikey for a long time. “You’re bluffing,” he said.

“No way,” Mikey said.

Gerard narrowed his eyes at him, looking at his cards again as if he needed to make sure they hadn’t changed in the meantime.

“Oh, fuck you,” he mumbled. If he wanted to raise, he’d have to go all in. “Fold.” He dropped his cards face down and waited for Mikey to reveal his hand.

Mikey showed his cards. They were absolutely worthless.

“Piss on my grave,” Ghoul cursed and stared at Mikey.

“Betrayal!” Gerard yelled and pressed his hand to his heart, letting himself fall backwards against the couch. “My own brother! Lying straight to my face! At least stab me in the front next time!”

Korse chuckled. “Mikey has always been the better player,” he said and gave Gerard a reproachful yet tender look.

“Mikey has always been a bastard,” Gerard shot back.

Mikey didn’t seem bothered by it, he calmly collected the chips he’d just won.

“Anyway, I should head home now,” Korse concluded.

“One more round?” Gerard suggested, but it sounded less pressing now, as if he didn’t really expect Korse to agree this time. “We can send Mikey to bed, so you’ll have a chance to win.”

Korse smirked, but shook his head. “No, really. It’s gotten late already. I shouldn’t set a bad example by being out past curfew.”

Gerard pouted. “We’re important enough to break the rules every now and then, honey.”

“I already did,” Korse pointed out and got up. He put his hand on the couch for support, but managed to get up from the floor rather elegantly. “Curfew was over an hour ago.”

Gerard grinned as if he felt pleased with himself for having gotten Korse to act at least a little out of line.

“Alright, rebel, I’ll take you to the door.” He got up from the floor effortlessly, following Korse to the front door as he picked up his coat.

They paused by the door, chatting just quietly enough that it was difficult to overhear. It felt slightly awkward to just sit on the floor with Mikey and pretend they weren’t eavesdropping.

“You’re real good at Poker,” Ghoul pointed out politely. “Never fell for a bluff like that before.”

Mikey turned his head, not making eye contact, but giving him an almost puzzled look.

“You know he’s letting me win, don’t you?” He wasn’t quite whispering, but kept his voice low enough to avoid interrupting Gerard and Korse’s conversation.

Ghoul frowned. “What?”

“Gee. He’s letting me win. He has, ever since we were kids.”

Ghoul shook his head. “He told me ya were good,” he said.

Mikey shrugged as if he didn’t really care to convince Ghoul.

Ghoul threw a glance at Gerard by the door. He had propped up his arm against the wall, emphasising the shape of his body in the revealing undershirt.

He reached over to turn the cards Gerard had dropped earlier. He was staring at a Royal Flush. Even if Mikey hadn’t bluffed about having a good hand, Gerard would have been almost sure to beat him if he hadn’t folded.

“Why?” Ghoul whispered. He suddenly felt cold inside.

Mikey shrugged again.

It wasn’t about letting his little brother win. Mikey knew that the game was rigged. It was about selling himself short. Even Korse believed that Mikey was the better player.

He looked up again to watch Gerard by the door, laughing about something Korse said before yawning again demonstratively. He seemed utterly carefree, childish and happy about the evening they had just spent together.

But he had asked for Mikey to come over tonight although he had to work tomorrow. And he’d done everything to make Korse stay.

“He wants something from Korse, doesn’t he?” he asked.

Mikey nodded. “And he’s going to get it. Gerard always gets what he wants. Korse says it’s because of his pretty face. But it’s cause he’s smart.”

Ghoul swallowed. He knew that it shouldn’t make a difference. Gerard was still the same guy he had been living with so far. And yet, he suddenly felt scared.

He watched as Korse opened the door, Gerard blowing him a kiss and shouting “Love you, babe!” as he stepped out of the apartment.

Once the door fell shut, he stretched his arms over his head before making his way back to them. He was grinning like a sleepy cat, seemingly very content with himself.

He sat down in the same spot as before, but Ghoul instinctively leaned back before their legs could touch.

“Rematch?” Gerard suggested as if nothing had changed, as if the reason they had been playing in the first place hadn’t just left the apartment.

“Is he going to sign off on your script without revisions?” Mikey asked, restacking his chips neatly without looking at Gerard.

“Well, I convinced him I need my beauty sleep,” Gerard said and his grin turned cheeky. “And you know he loves my pretty face.”

Ghoul swallowed. He should feel impressed. But he felt horrified. He’d never been good at lying and felt wary of people who were. Gerard lied like it was breathing. He had convinced Ghoul that it was them against Korse, that he was the big bad they had to trick to stay safe. But he had Korse wrapped around his little finger without him even noticing.

The worst thing was that Ghoul had believed that everything Gerard did was to keep Mikey safe. But he had asked Mikey here tonight specifically to use him as a ploy in his manipulation. Gerard was cunning and there was nothing and no one he wouldn’t use to get what he wanted.

And Ghoul had sat here all evening, playing cards with two Crows, trying to open up to the fucking Head Exterminator just to make Gerard happy. He had felt protective of him, he had stared at him just as much as Korse had. Gerard wanted Ghoul to desire him and to settle into this new life by his side. And Mikey seemed to be right – apparently, Gerard did always get what he wanted, because Ghoul had gotten dangerously close to doing exactly that.

“So?” Gerard asked. “Ghoulie?”

Ghoul realised that it was his turn to hand out the cards. He shook his head.

“I’m tired,” he said. “I think we should go to sleep.”

Gerard hesitated for a second. He seemed able to tell that Ghoul’s defences had gone back up, like a shark smelling blood in the water.

“Yeah, you’re probably right,” he finally agreed. “We should get some sleep. It will be a bit cramped tonight, but it should be fine.”

Ghoul froze at the thought of having to share the bed with Gerard and Mikey. He usually cuddled up to Gerard before falling asleep, but suddenly the thought of not being able to get away from him felt overwhelming and threatening.

“I’ll sleep on the couch,” he said.

Gerard eyed the couch critically. “Don’t be ridiculous, love. The couch’s too short.”

Ghoul shook his head sternly. “I slept in worse places, lemme tell ya. I’ll take the couch.”

“Why don’t you get ready for bed first, Mikey?” Gerard said softly, his hand hovering above the poker cards without picking them up.

“Sure.” Mikey got up. As always, he seemed pretty unbothered by the underlying tension.

“It really isn’t a problem,” Gerard said as Mikey left for the bathroom. He finally started collecting the cards from the floor. “Mikey is a bit peculiar in his sleeping habits, but he brings his headphones and a sleep mask. You won’t bother him. He won’t mind us sharing the other half of the bed either.”

He spoke softly, not like he worried to be overheard, but like he was trying to put Ghoul at ease.

“It ain’t that,” Ghoul said. “I just wanna take the couch, alright?”

“Are you mad at me?” Gerard asked, his voice a little sharper now – not aggressive enough to sound challenging, but firm enough to make it clear that he wasn’t going to let this go.

Ghoul started picking up the plastic chips.

“Is it cause I invited Korse?” Gerard insisted. “I didn’t mean to make you uncomfortable. I would never let him hurt you.”

Ghoul looked up briefly. Gerard reached out and Ghoul realised too late that he was going for his hand. He brushed his fingers against Ghoul’s knuckles, a light and tender touch to reassure him in a way that had become common between them.

Ghoul flinched back. Gerard froze.

For a moment he seemed unsure what to do. Before tonight, Ghoul would have attributed his hesitation to insecurity, but right now, he could see the wheels turning in Gerard’s head as he tried to settle on a new strategy.

“You’re not jealous, are you?” he asked, hushing his voice and letting the hair fall into his face so it casted shadows across his cheekbones. He licked his lips very slowly. “Because I asked him for a kiss? I was just stroking his ego. And you know you can kiss me anytime you want, Ghoulie.”

Ghoul felt his heartbeat in his throat and a part of him wanted to grab the back of Gerard’s neck and pull him in. He wanted to kiss him hard enough to leave bruises, he wanted to break through his act somehow, wanted his body to tell the truth when all of his words were lies.

“Ya can suck his dick for all I care,” he grumbled and Gerard sat back on his heels.

“I’m sorry if I did something wrong,” he said quietly.

Ghoul almost didn’t dare to look up. Gerard was staring at the floor, holding on to his own arm in a way that made him look small and frail. He looked guilty and sad and seeing him like this stung Ghoul's chest. When Gerard looked like this, he wanted to assure him that he wasn’t mad at him and that everything would be alright. He wanted to hug him. He wanted to crawl into bed with him and Mikey, and he wanted to fall asleep with their arms and legs entangled.

Gerard always got what he wanted. If it wasn’t by comforting Ghoul, or by flirting with him, it would be by weaponizing his own vulnerability, because he knew that Ghoul couldn’t stand to see him hurting. But it was impossible to trust in his act, once Ghoul had seen through it.

“I just wanna sleep on the couch,” he insisted.

He wanted to call Gerard out on his manipulation, but he didn’t feel ready for it. He needed space, he needed to sleep on this, he needed to clear his mind. If he wasn’t prepared to counter his arguments, Gerard would easily find a way to spin everything in his own favour. He would wrap Ghoul around his finger the way he’d done with Korse.

“Okay.” Gerard let go of his own arm again, looking up to meet Ghoul’s eyes. He no longer looked pleading, but open and honest, like there was no room to hide the truth behind his hazel eyes. “But if you change your mind, or you get the terrors, or you just want to talk, you can wake me, yeah? Like I said, Mikey got his headphones, don’t worry about him. You can come in and wake me up any time.”

Ghoul’s chest stung again. Gerard had no reason to make that offer. It had to be a trick; another trick that Ghoul couldn’t see through.

“Ya need to sleep,” he said weakly. “Ya got your broadcast in the morning.”

Gerard’s lips stayed soft, but he didn’t smile. “I can do it tired, it doesn’t matter. Not as much as you matter.”

Ghoul’s knees grew weak. This whole evening had been about tomorrow’s broadcast – the sleepover, the poker game, even the way Gerard had moved while taking off his shirt. And yet he was willing to compromise all of that, just so Ghoul wouldn’t have to face a night of terrors by himself.

“I’ll be alright,” Ghoul said.

He searched Gerard’s face. It looked perfectly honest.

Chapter Text

Ghoul hadn’t slept well, partly because the couch was too short even for him, but mostly because he wasn’t used to sleeping alone.

The terrors woke him up a lot, but with Gerard’s warm body by his side, he usually managed to fall back asleep quickly, knowing that someone was there to keep him safe.

Tonight, he had startled awake in the early morning hours, alone in the living room that was too quiet, with his heart beating too quickly. He’d tried to catch some more sleep, but still hadn’t managed by the time he heard Gerard getting up.

Usually, he slept through it when he left, exhausted from a night full of bad dreams, but today he heard the running of the shower and then Gerard’s quiet footsteps as he went into the kitchen to make coffee without waking Ghoul.

He could have let Gerard know that he was awake to share a cup of coffee before he left. But then he would have to talk to him, and he really didn’t feel like it. He kept his eyes shut and his breathing even, pretending to still be asleep.

He listened to Gerard finishing his breakfast and crossing the room.

For a moment he thought he’d been found out, because Gerard paused next to the couch. Ghoul kept still, hoping Gerard wouldn’t call him out on his cowardice.

“See you tonight, Ghoulie,” Gerard whispered, his voice so quiet that it was obviously not meant to wake him. “Love you.”

Something tugged at the space behind Ghoul’s ribcage and he almost sat up, but Gerard was already on his way to the door. His tone hadn’t been overly sentimental, just warm and affectionate and it made Ghoul wonder if he did this every morning, if he quietly assured him that he was loved and that Gerard would come back to him every day. It seemed very much like something Gerard would do – saying it just so he wouldn’t have to regret not saying it. Ghoul wanted to trust him so badly that it hurt.

He remained lying on the couch for a while even after the door had fallen shut behind Gerard. Ghoul felt like a jerk for not saying it back. He also felt angry at Gerard for saying it in the first place. Maybe it had been an act. He might have been aware that Ghoul was awake after all. It was possible he was trying to confuse him, or lure him back into trusting him. He had clearly been able to tell that something was wrong last night.

Ghoul sighed and sat up. He wouldn’t be able to fall back asleep anyway. He still felt tired, but at least there was coffee.

He used the bathroom quietly, but once he made his way to the kitchen, he heard Mikey get up anyway. He put on fresh coffee for two people, not sure if Mikey would want some, but assuming that he did, if he took after Gerard at all.

He was just pouring the first mug when Mikey stumbled into the kitchen, his expression as blank as usual, but his hair a bit more ruffled. Ghoul assumed that meant he wasn’t very awake yet.

“Ya drinking coffee?” he asked, but Mikey already held out his hand and Ghoul surrendered the mug.

Mikey started drinking while the coffee was still steaming hot, something that Ghoul had observed Gerard doing countless times before.

“Ya want breakfast?” Ghoul asked. It was still so early that he didn’t feel hungry yet, but he assumed that Korse would pick Mikey up soon and he didn’t want to let him go without feeding him first. He remembered Gerard mentioning that Mikey was a picky eater, though. “I could make ya some scrambled eggs? Ya eat eggs, right? ‘N bread? Eggs ‘n toasted bread?” That seemed like a safe enough bet to him.

Mikey gave him a look he couldn’t quite read yet, but he was pretty sure that it had something to do with the fact that he sounded like someone’s mum.

“Fuck off,” he said and opened the refrigerator. Mikey let out the smallest chuckle.

Ghoul got out the pan and started frying eggs. It calmed him down to have something to do with his hands; it usually did. It was strange that his renewed distrust in Gerard didn’t expand towards Mikey, but he still felt comfortable around him.

“There ya go,” he announced as he filled Mikey’s plate. “If ya need anything else, ya probably know where to find it.” He figured just leaving it up to Mikey would be easier than asking him a million questions to find out if he wanted cheese or jam or whatever.

Mikey took the plate. “Thanks,” he said.

Ghoul grabbed his own coffee mug and followed Mikey back into the living room. Mikey sat down at the dining table and nodded towards the TV screen.

“We should watch the news,” he said.

That hadn’t even occurred to Ghoul, but of course Mikey was right. Gerard obviously had a plan, so they should check what last night had actually been about. He felt queasy as he went over to switch on the TV, though. Somehow he dreaded to learn what this was all about. Since Gerard had tried to sneak his script past Korse, it had to be something anti-Bli, which would make it harder for Ghoul to stay mad at him for lying. But he didn’t want to feel conflicted about this. He wanted to know for sure whom he could trust.

The screen flickered into life, showing a young, blonde woman talking about the release of a new brand of electronic pets. Ghoul wasn’t sure if this was a news broadcast or a commercial, which was probably the whole point. There was only one channel.

He sat back down next to Mikey and slurped his coffee. The volume of the TV was turned up too high and the woman’s voice got on his nerves, but he didn’t want to turn it down and risk missing the actual news that should be on any moment now.

A few minutes later a loud chime finally announced the start of the morning news broadcast.

“Good morning, Battery City, it is another wonderful day in the city and I’m your host Gerard Way. Lots of things have been happening and as always, we here at Better Living Industry work hard to make your lives as easy and pleasant as possible.”

Ghoul scoffed. Gerard’s voice was cheerful, but there was a slightly sarcastic note to it that made it sound as if he was secretly letting the viewer in on a joke no one else was supposed to get. It was hard to pinpoint, but Gerard managed to make his announcements feel personal, which was probably the skill that had earned him his position in the first place.

“Yesterday, Better Living Industries launched several club raids in the Lobby to ensure the safety of its citizens. An illegal gambling ring has been exposed and large stacks of hard liquor have been confiscated. Several arrests have been made and the people involved will be turned in for reprogramming to make sure the crime rate within the city boundaries remains at a permanent low. One of the people arrested is James Cloon, CEO of Better Pharmaceuticals, which supplies the majority of medication for all of Battery City.”

The grainy picture of a man in handcuffs was shown behind Gerard.

“A replacement for him will be found shortly to lead the company into a better future. Today is also the day that the new shopping centre opens in district four, so don’t miss out on catching one of the spectacular opening deals.”

Ghoul stared at the screen blankly as Gerard handed over to a colleague on site, who showed off the large arcade of the new shopping centre.

“This is huge, ain’t it?” he asked quietly.

Better Pharmaceuticals produced the pills that kept Bli’s citizens under control. Their CEO being involved in illegal activities was exactly the kind of thing that would usually get swept under the rug.

Mikey nodded grimly.

Ghoul sucked on his teeth. Gerard would be in trouble for this. At the same time, he doubted that most viewers had paid attention to the news at all, numbed as they were. He might get away with a slap on the wrist.

“Imma turn it off again,” he announced and got up to switch off the TV. Gerard’s colleague was basically just supplying a list of special offers at this point.

He sat down again and silently waited for Mikey to finish his breakfast.

“I want ya to help me bust open that door,” he said once Mikey was done.

Mikey looked up and shook his head.

“He’s keeping things from us,” Ghoul said. “’N I know he’s your brother ‘n all that and ya trust him, but I don’t. I need to know what he’s hiding.”

He wanted to trust Gerard, but there was just too much he didn’t know. He felt for him because of everything he’d been through, but he had to face the fact that Gerard was too good a liar to keep believing him blindly. Ghoul had to find out what he was dealing with and the locked door seemed like the best place to start.

“Imma open that door one way or another, but if ya don’t help me, I gotta blast it open ‘n it’s gonna draw more attention than hacking the lock. So it’s your choice.”

Mikey seemed to hesitate, but then he shook his head again.

“Ya ain’t curious?”

Mikey hesitated once more.

“I’m not going behind his back like this,” he finally said. “I won’t stop you, but I won’t help.”

Ghoul exhaled softly. He figured that he couldn’t ask for more. In a way, he respected Mikey’s loyalty.

“Fine,” he grumbled and got up, taking Mikey’s plate. “Imma do it myself then.”

He started by cleaning the kitchen, though. He wanted to wait until Gerard came home; he wanted to leave him with a choice. Setting off an explosion would draw attention and get them both into trouble. They might even take Ghoul back to the facility and he would prefer to avoid that. But he couldn’t keep going like this. He couldn’t be around Gerard and act like nothing was wrong while he kept lying to his face. Ghoul wasn’t built for that.

Cleaning helped calm him down a little and he heard Mikey rustling around in the bedroom. He had his backpack ready when the doorbell rang.

Ghoul stepped out of the kitchen, but stayed as far away from the door as possible. Just as expected, Korse let himself in.

“Mikey? Come on, we’re leaving,” he said, his voice sharp and impatient. He sounded like he’d had an absolute shit morning. Gerard was his responsibility. He had signed off on the script last night.

Mikey got up immediately. He seemed to have anticipated that Korse would be in a rush.

“Frank?” Korse’s eyes fell on him in the doorway. Ghoul forced himself to stand his ground. Korse didn’t act hostile though, but like he wanted to talk business. “When Gerard gets home, tell him not to come into work tomorrow. I’ll be over in the morning.”

Ghoul gave a short nod to indicate that he had understood.

“Mikey,” Korse repeated, his voice a little softer already. He sounded as if he wanted to make sure that Mikey knew he wasn’t going to take his anger at Gerard out on him. Ghoul felt relieved by that.

Mikey shouldered his backpack and followed Korse out the door. Ghoul exhaled when it fell shut. A part of him had been scared that Korse would take him along to punish Gerard.

He had several hours left before Gerard would be home. First he got the saltpetre from the fridge. Then he went into the bedroom and searched the closet, patting down all of Gerard’s clothes. Luckily, he had been right with his assumption, that he wouldn’t risk taking anything illegal into work today, since he was already pulling a risky stunt with his broadcast. He found the pack of nic sticks and a lighter in one of his pockets.

Then he went back into the kitchen to build a bomb. It wouldn’t turn out to be a proper bomb, not one that actually deserved its name. But it would be enough to set off a small detonation – not strong enough to blast open the entire door, but enough to damage the electronic lock. He really wished Mikey would have helped him instead.

He attached the construct to the door handle of Gerard’s secret room. The fuse had been a problem, he’d improvised with rice paper he’d ordered the other day. He wasn’t entirely sure if it would work and there was a fair chance that he would burn his hand. He wished he could do a test run like he would in the Zones, but he couldn’t risk drawing attention.

Once he was done, he started cleaning up after himself. He was so occupied that he nearly forgot to eat; he only remembered that he had skipped breakfast when his stomach started rumbling. He wasn’t going to cook today.

Then he waited for Gerard, pacing the apartment and wondering if he should arm himself just in case. He also considered calling Jet, but he wouldn’t know what to tell him.

Out of despair, he switched on the TV, wondering if Gerard would be on again. But it was just one report after the next, mostly about products manufactured by Bli that would make everyone even happier than they already were.

He switched the TV off again around the time Gerard usually came home and it really didn’t take long until the front door was unlocked.

Ghoul jumped up, making sure to stand between Gerard and the corridor leading down to the other rooms.

“Hi, sweetheart,” Gerard said and smiled at him as he took off his shoes. “How are you? Did you get any sleep last night?”

For a moment Ghoul felt irritated. He had been so prepared for a confrontation, that Gerard’s friendly tone took him off guard.

“Some.” He scanned Gerard’s face. “Ya look tired.”

“Well, it did get pretty late last night.” Gerard beamed at him, even though he was still standing by the door awkwardly. “I was just having so much fun though. We should do that more often.”

His casual chatting felt like a gut punch, because he sounded perfectly harmless. He was looking Ghoul straight in the eyes, his expression open and happy and a little bit insecure as if he really hoped that Ghoul would agree. Even now, he was lying to him, and that realisation was all it took to set Ghoul off.

“Quit it, silver tongue. We watched the news this morning.”

“Oh.” Gerard ran his hand through his hair, leaving it behind ruffled and messy, which always made him look softer and more vulnerable and Ghoul wondered if even that was a conscious move. “Is that what last night was about?”

He didn’t sound grim, but the cheerfulness had vanished from his voice instantly. Ghoul hated that. He hated to realise how quickly Gerard could switch gears. He was only ever one thing as long as it served him.

“Ya lied to me.” He also hated that he sounded like a pouty child. He sounded like this was personal, like his feelings were hurt, when really it was about something much more serious.

“I did seize the opportunity, yes. But that doesn’t mean I lied about wanting to spend time with all of you.” Gerard was still holding his gaze, not the least bit intimidated by Ghoul’s glares. He looked at him as if he had nothing to hide. “Besides, I don’t get what you are so mad about. You saw what this was about. We’re on the same fucking side.”

Ghoul swallowed. He’d known that Gerard would bring up this argument. It made him look silly, like this really was just about him feeling left out.

“’S not ‘bout that. Ya keep lying.” Ghoul paused. “I don’t trust you.”

Gerard’s eyes remained clear and indifferent, but he saw the lines around his lips hardening. Ghoul’s words upset him for one reason or another, but he didn’t intend to let it show.

“You’re the one … the one who does all this, ain’t ya?” It was a realisation that had hit him only last night, right when he had turned Gerard’s cards and understood that whatever game Gerard was playing – it wasn’t fucking poker.

“I have no idea what the fuck you mean.” Gerard’s voice sounded pressed. Ghoul felt slightly bad for attacking him the moment he got home, but he knew he had to keep pushing, if he wanted to get any kind of honest reaction from Gerard.

“The news,” Ghoul clarified. “Like that story ya told me when I first got here. The one ‘bout the kid they shot. ‘Bout the security systems. You’re the one who made that story up, ain’t ya?”

He almost held his breath, scared of the answer. He wanted Gerard to tell him that he was wrong, but he also dreaded it at the same time, because Ghoul wouldn’t even know whether or not to believe him.

“I never lied about that.” Gerard sounded uncharacteristically sharp. “I told you from the very start that I make the news. You knew I was Head of the Propaganda department. Of fucking course I wrote that story. It’s not my fault you underestimated me.”

Ghoul felt dizzy, like a shot had just nearly missed his head.

“Ya did nothing to correct me.”

Gerard smirked, but there was no humour in it. “Again, it’s not my fault you thought I was fucking stupid, honey.”

“Ya keep acting like it.” Ghoul felt like he was fighting a losing battle, as if the ground beneath him had become slippery. Gerard was right. Ghoul had underestimated him. But Gerard had encouraged it. “Ya act shallow like a dry well.”

This time, Gerard scoffed. “Yeah, no shit?”

The fact that he didn’t even try to deny it was infuriating. Ghoul wondered how many lies he had been fed so far. He had liked Gerard. He felt like he had been tricked into liking him and he felt damn stupid for it now.

“Is that why ya read ‘em out yourself? So people mistake ya for a pretty puppet?”

Gerard took a step forward, so suddenly that Ghoul flinched back. There was still too much distance between them for Gerard to grab him, but he felt like he had already lost just by giving away that he was scared.

“Do you know how many people go missing in Battery City every day? How many kids get caught running, how many people deal with side effects of their pills, how many of them just don’t fit the norm? They get reprogrammed and put into a new life, or they don’t get a second life at all. And Bli can do that, because no one misses them enough to ask questions, no one remembers their face. But everyone in Battery City knows this face.” He gestured at his own face, less pretty all of a sudden, all stern lines and anger. “They won’t be able to get rid of me without anyone noticing. Being the face of Better Living Industries is my fucking life insurance.”

Ghoul felt like he couldn’t breathe. He wanted to cry. He felt like he was always a step behind. He felt stupid and like he couldn’t keep up with Gerard and that scared him; that scared him to death.

“Show me what’s inside that room of yours,” he demanded.

“No,” Gerard said.

“I need ya to be honest with me,” Ghoul insisted. He hesitated, not sure if it was the right choice to open up this much. “You scare me.”

Just for a second, Gerard’s expression seemed to soften, but then he shook his head. “It’s none of your business, Ghoul.”

Ghoul took a step backwards and then another one. Gerard frowned. Ghoul felt for the lighter in his pocket.

“Open that fucking door, Gerard, or Imma do it. I need to know what’s going on.”

He pulled out the lighter and saw Gerard’s eyes widen. He came after Ghoul quickly, but Ghoul had already reached the door. He hadn’t lit the flame yet, but his hand was close to the fuse already and Gerard was still several steps away. He froze as soon as his eyes fell on Ghoul’s hand.

“Imma blast it open,” he warned. “’S gonna be a nice detonation, ‘nough to break the lock.”

Gerard didn’t move. He kept completely still as if he was scared to startle Ghoul into doing something reckless.

“An explosion will alert the Dracs. We’ll both be in trouble,” he pointed out.

“I know, that’s why I’m asking ya to open the door for me. Otherwise, I would have blasted it open while ya were at work.”

Gerard’s eyes finally returned to Ghoul’s face. He looked as expressionless as Mikey did most of the time, his face a blank slate that didn’t allow Ghoul to read anything off it.

“You won’t do it,” he said. “They’ll take you back to the facility.”

Ghoul bared his teeth. Finally, there was an opening in Gerard’s argumentation.

“‘S what ya would do. Calculate the risk ‘n shit. But I ain’t a sly rat like ya. That smart reasoning ain’t gonna work on me. I’m stupid and impulsive and Imma fuck us both over if ya don’t stop me.”

Gerard searched his face. But Ghoul wasn’t bluffing. He wasn’t calculating like Gerard. He wasn’t even reasonable like Jet. He was a bomb with a short fuse.

“Put away that lighter,” Gerard said.

Ghoul flicked the lighter, the flame flaring up dangerously close to the fuse. “Then open the door.”

“I won’t and you won’t either. Now quit it and put down that lighter, Frank.”

The pain in his chest was physical. It felt as if Gerard had punched him. His expression remained completely indifferent. He had never used Ghoul’s birthname in private before. It shouldn’t matter this much, but he felt so betrayed that he wanted to cry. Gerard hadn’t actually respected him. Even that had been nothing but an act to lure him in, to make Ghoul trust him; another act to get what he wanted.

Gerard narrowed his eyes ever so slightly and Ghoul’s heartbeat quickened. He felt like a cornered animal. Gerard had clearly noticed that he’d hit a weak spot.

“If they take you back to the facility, I’ll tell them about Jet,” he added. “I know the frequency. We’ll contact him and track down his location. If you light that fuse, you’ll kill him, too.”

Ghoul just stared at him. He wanted to lunge forward and hurt Gerard. He wanted to punch him in the face. He felt absolutely shattered. He hadn’t thought Gerard could be this cruel.

“Or maybe they won’t kill you,” Gerard continued with a sneer. “Maybe they’ll just wipe your memories. I might even ask to get you back, make you think you’re my boyfriend. I bet you would let me fuck you then.”

All Ghoul could do was stare. His ears were ringing.

“You wouldn’t,” he said softly, lowering his hand just slightly.

He searched Gerard’s eyes. He couldn’t believe that all of it had been an act – the vulnerability, the whispered “I love you”s, the way he held Ghoul when the terrors hit. But if it had actually been real, he shouldn’t be able to say these words.

“Don’t try me, baby,” Gerard said. “You’ve got too much to lose.”

Ghoul licked his lips. Even if he lowered the lighter and they declared a truce, things would never go back to the way they were before. Gerard had to know that Ghoul wouldn’t forgive him for his threats. He had said those words, knowing full well that Ghoul would hate him for them.

But even now, even after seeing through his lies, Ghoul was still convinced that Gerard had wanted to be liked by him. He had wanted to be loved by Ghoul, but he was ready to give up on that forever, just to keep that fucking door locked.

Ghoul couldn’t even begin to picture how scared he had to be.

“You’ve got things to lose, too,” he said. “If they take me back, I’ll tell them to search that room. Ya don’t want that, do ya? You’re just bluffing.”

Gerard nodded slowly. His lips softened as he unclenched his jaw.

“You’re right,” he said. “And you’re right, I wouldn’t be able to hurt you. I really like you, Ghoul. I mean it when I say I love you.”

Something inside of Ghoul seemed to come undone. It felt like relief and very awful all the same.

“But you are mistaken if you think that will keep you safe. If you light that fuse, I’ll alert the Dracs. I’ll say you attacked me and I’ll shoot you in the head right here, before you ever make it to the facility. It will haunt me forever, but there is absolutely nothing I wouldn’t do to keep myself safe so I can protect Mikey. That is the truth.”

Gerard sounded resigned. Ghoul scanned his face, searching for any hint of the truth.

He knew that Gerard would do almost anything to keep Mikey safe. It was the first argument that seemed convincing enough to buy into it. Gerard might actually kill him if he thought it was his only option, even if the guilt would stay with him for the rest of his life.

But another stupid part of him believed that all of it had been real, that Gerard was too soft and cared about him too much to actually harm him, even if he was pressed.

It was impossible to find the answer on Gerard’s face. He had shut down completely and Ghoul thought about the fact that not even Mikey could tell when Gerard was lying.

“Heads or tails?” he asked softly.

For a moment, Gerard just kept looking at him blankly, but then his shoulders dropped.

“Will you believe me if I tell you?”

Ghoul shrugged. He wasn’t sure yet.

“Dunno,” he said. “But I just gotta, don’t I?”

He had been dead set on opening that door, but suddenly it seemed pointless. Whatever was behind it, it would only result in disaster if Ghoul forced the door open. The real question wasn’t what Gerard kept in that room anyway. The real question was if Ghoul could still bring himself to trust Gerard against better judgement.

“I could never hurt you, not even to protect myself,” Gerard said and bit his bottom lip. “But, honey, if you light that fuse, I won’t be able to keep any of us safe any longer. I couldn’t kill you. But I’m sure they’d do it for me. That’s tails for you.”

Ghoul searched Gerard’s face again. He looked genuine. He always did.

Ghoul lowered the lighter.

“Okay,” he said. “Okay.” He suddenly didn’t have any energy left to argue.

He stepped forward and Gerard instinctively moved backwards as if he thought that Ghoul was going to attack him after all.

But Ghoul just held out the lighter to him.

Gerard seemed confused at first, but then he reached out to take it. Their fingers brushed, Gerard’s hand felt warm and soft as always.

“I trust you,” Ghoul said, because against better judgement, he had decided that he would. He was going to take a leap of faith.

“Let’s heat up something for dinner.” He moved past Gerard to get back to the living room. 

“Ghoul, wait.”

Ghoul stopped to look at Gerard. He was turning the lighter over and over in his hand. He was staring at it as if he was completely baffled by the fact that Ghoul had just given it back; as if he also didn’t quite believe that he actually deserved his trust.

“You can’t tell anyone about this,” he said. For a moment, Ghoul didn’t understand what he was even talking about. Gerard looked up slowly. “They’ll get rid of me if they find out about this. Pretty face or not. And I’m fucking scared to give anyone this much power over me. Because if they get rid of me, they’ll get rid of Mikey, too. It’s just … it’s fucking scary.”

He finally met Ghoul’s eyes. His pupils were blown wide in the dim light of the corridor. Ghoul had never seen that expression on him before. His lips looked like they were seconds away from trembling.

“But I want to trust you the same way you trust me. I really do. You just can’t tell anyone. Not even Mikey. Please.”

Ghoul nodded. “Promise,” he said.

Gerard bit his bottom lip and Ghoul realised that he didn’t just look scared. He looked terrified. Ghoul had assumed he would find anti-Bli propaganda behind that door; Gerard’s secret masterplan to overthrow the Director, or flyers for the revolution, because he’d secretly been in touch with killjoys this whole time. He hadn’t even ruled out a dead body.

But he changed his mind as soon as he saw Gerard’s expression, no matter how hard to read it could be. He didn’t look like someone who was scared because they had broken the law. He looked like whatever he was hiding was so personal, that exposing it shook him to his very core.

“I’ve never shown this to anyone,” he whispered. Then he turned to open the door.

Chapter Text

Gerard pushed open the door and stepped aside to let Frank enter the room. It was the smallest room in the apartment, not much bigger than a supply closet and he had to switch on the lights, because it didn’t have any windows.

The first thing he noticed was that it was cluttered. Gerard had mentioned being messy before, but his apartment didn’t really show that. Here it became apparent though. There were shelves on the left side of the room, but they could barely contain all the things stacked on top of them – books and board games and a few framed pictures; personal items Gerard seemingly hadn’t brought himself to throw away over the years.

Ghoul’s eyes were drawn to the giant mirror in the corner though, and the desk next to it. The desk must have been white ages ago, but now it was covered by paint stains. It was the first time Ghoul actually saw colours in Bat City, strewn across the room like rainbow vomit. Art supplies were covering the desk and the floor in front of it and Ghoul caught a glimpse of an open sketchbook, too.

Not only the art supplies added colour though; next to the paint and the brushes, he spotted eyeshadow palettes and a variety of lipsticks lying around as if someone had just dropped them. On the desk sat a small, round make-up mirror.

The right side of the room was taken up by an open closet and it was lined with colourful clothes, bright pink shirts and tattered jeans and a fucking fur coat for some reason. The room smelled dusty and Ghoul felt like he’d finally come home. The room looked like a badly kept warehouse in Zone four.

“What’s all this?” he asked and randomly took a piece of clothing from the rags. It turned out to be a black mini dress with simple straps instead of sleeves, bright red cherries printed on it. “Where’d ya even get that?”

He felt mostly confused, but also slightly scared. These clothes definitely belonged to people from the Zones. Maybe he wasn’t the first poor kid to live with Gerard. Maybe he moved through them and had them executed once he grew bored with them. Maybe he kept their clothes as trophies or some fucked up shit.

“They’re from the warehouse I told you about. The one where they keep clothes from the Zones to use as costumes. Sometimes I steal stuff when I find something that’s …”

Gerard broke off and Ghoul frowned.

“That’s what?” he snarled, still wondering what kind of messed up museum this was. It didn’t seem right that Gerard would steal clothes from the dead.

But he understood as soon as he looked up to find Gerard standing in the doorway, holding on to his own arm as if he wanted to hide, his cheeks flushed pink as if he was embarrassed, but at the same time, he looked as if he wanted to cry.

Ghoul was still holding up the dress, and seeing it in front of Gerard made it click before he could even finish his sentence.

“Something that’s my size.”

Ghoul stared at the dress and he thought of all the ugly things Gerard had said to keep him out of this room. He thought about the fact that he took the risk of stealing these clothes even though it could get him killed. He thought of the way Gerard had touched his hair for days after they had cut it and he imagined him dressing up in a room without windows, standing in front of the mirror all by himself and all the anger vanished from his body, leaving him numb and hollow.

“Gee,” he said softly. Gerard still looked like he wanted to crawl back into himself until there was nothing left but sun-bleached bones.

And Ghoul saw the kid he’d once been, the kid too afraid to cry out for his parents, because he needed to protect his brother. He saw the teenager, lying alone in the dark when the terrors hit, scared to wake anyone. And he saw the person he was now, who was told what to wear, what to eat and who to love if he wanted to survive.

He realised that Gerard didn’t keep things from him because of some kind of power trip. He remembered the day he had bit his neck to give Korse a reason for taking off his collar. Ghoul would have played along, if Gerard had explained himself. He would have played along with the sleepover too, if Gerard had told him about his plan for the news broadcast. He had concluded that keeping him in the dark was just another way for Gerard to stay in control, so he could manipulate everyone around him.

But he was just so used to keeping things inside to stay safe, that he didn’t know how to trust anyone.

“I know it’s weird,” he mumbled quietly and Ghoul felt his chest tearing open, because Gerard seemed so convinced that he would be rejected. It was all he’d ever been told.

Ghoul wanted to rush towards him and wrap his arms around him. He wanted to hold him and tell him that he was alright, that there was nothing wrong with him and that he didn’t deserve to be this scared, and most importantly, that there was a place for him out in the world and that people would love him.

But he was worried that it would make Gerard feel overwhelmed.

He hesitated, then he held out the dress. “Would ya put it on for me?” he asked.

Gerard seemed confused for a second, but then he finally lowered his arms. “You sure?” He eyed Ghoul suspiciously as if he expected him to start laughing in his face.

“I’d like to see ya in it,” he said, trying to sound as warm as possible. “Or anything ya chose, really.”

Gerard hesitated, but then he nodded and took a step closer. His cheeks were pink and he looked nervous, but also slightly excited, Ghoul realised. He wanted to be seen.

“It might be a minute,” he said, his voice high and breathless and unexpectedly flirty, as if to promise Ghoul a show.

Suddenly, Ghoul felt nervous. He tried to swallow around the lump in his throat.

“Sure, Imma let ya get ready.”

Gerard took the dress from him and Ghoul wanted to leave the room, but Gerard stopped him with a light touch.

“Wait. You’ll need to draw the blinds in all the rooms. It’s important, because of the drones.” Gerard turned towards the desk. “The intercom by the door has a reset button. Push that in and make sure it sticks. During the reset, you can’t open the door even with a keycard.”

Ghoul extended his palm and Gerard dropped a paperclip into it.

Ghoul felt a stinging pain in his chest. Gerard didn’t seem particularly bothered, but the fact that he was aware of these safety measures at all broke Ghoul’s heart.

He left the room, shutting the door behind him to carry out the tasks Gerard had given him. The white, sterile apartment seemed even colder with the electric lights switched on everywhere. For some reason, his palms felt sweaty with nerves.

He waited for Gerard, but he was taking his time, so Ghoul went into the kitchen and started to prepare plates with crackers and cream. It wasn’t a proper dinner, but at least it would ensure that Gerard ate something tonight.

He arranged the plates on the coffee table in the living room and sat down on the floor the way they would usually sit. Gerard was taking ages to get ready and he was starting to feel restless. Maybe he had changed his mind or he was scared to come out and Ghoul should look after him. But at the same time, he didn’t want to rush Gerard. He wanted to allow him the time to present himself exactly the way he wanted to be seen.

Finally, he heard the door creaking open and looked up. Gerard’s footsteps on the floor were quiet. He stopped short in the doorway. Ghoul had expected him to strike a pose, but he looked lost and shy. In front of his body, he held a bottle full of golden liquid. He was holding it with both hands.

“Can I interest you in a drink?” he asked while Ghoul stared.

Gerard had put on the dress Ghoul had picked out and he had also applied make-up. His eyes looked giant, his neck long and slender. His hair was tugged away behind his ears neatly on both sides where it was curling slightly.

The thin straps of the dress emphasised how bony yet wide his shoulders were, the skin of his bare arms perfect and smooth.

The fit of the dress wasn’t amazing, it was slightly too loose in the chest area, but it created the illusion of rounded hips. The black and red of the fabric formed a stark contrast to his pale skin. The dress ended halfway down his thighs, granting Ghoul a great view of his long legs, which were surprisingly muscular.

“Destroya,” he said and scrambled to his feet, hitting his shin on the coffee table. He winced, but didn’t let it stop him; he wanted to get closer to Gerard, he wanted to take in all of him.

“Lemme get glasses,” he offered, but he didn’t move, he just stood in front of Gerard and stared at him until Gerard cast down his eyes with a chuckle.

His eyeshadow was red, matching the cherries on his dress. It made his eyes look bright green. His lips were pink and shiny. He was obviously wearing lip gloss. Ghoul wanted to kiss him. He also wanted to tell him how beautiful he was, just so he would never doubt it for a second. It wasn’t about the fit of the dress, or about the clumsily applied eyeliner that was thicker on the left. It felt as if Gerard had finally taken off the mask he’d been wearing this whole time and underneath he was simply gorgeous.

“Ya look fire,” Ghoul stuttered.

Gerard smiled and bit his bottom lip, still avoiding eye contact. If Ghoul looked at him any longer, he would lean in and kiss him.

He cleared his throat. “Glasses,” he repeated.

“I can … uh …” Gerard tried to sidestep him to get to the kitchen, but Ghoul moved at the same time, getting in the way and they nearly bumped into each other.

“Imma go,” he insisted and Gerard clearly wanted to say something, but for a change, he seemed to be at a loss of words.

Ghoul went into the kitchen, inhaling deeply a few times before he took out two glasses and filled them with ice cubes from the fridge.

When he returned to the living room, Gerard had draped himself on the couch. It was weird to see him sitting there, since he usually preferred to crouch on the floor, but tonight he had obviously decided that he deserved the comfort of the cushions, or maybe he had figured that it allowed for a more flattering pose. His bare legs were stretched out, the hem of his dress had ridden up.

Ghoul placed the glasses on the coffee table and sat down next to Gerard. Up close, he could see the fine leg hair on his thighs and as his eyes trailed down to his bare feet, he noticed that he had painted his toenails a bright red to match his dress.

“It’s cheap whiskey,” Gerard said and nodded at the half empty bottle on the table. “Can’t be picky around here.”

“Didn’t know ya had that,” Ghoul said.

He leaned forward and Gerard sat up straight almost immediately. He still seemed tense, although he was no longer using his arms to cover his chest.

“I can do that,” he offered, weirdly eager to help as if he had to make up for something.

“Lemme,” Ghoul said and opened the bottle. He licked his lips. “Ain’t got the best manners, but I know that ya pour a lady her drink.”

He held his breath for a second, glancing at Gerard to check out his reaction. The dress revealed enough cleavage to show that he was flushing all the way down his chest. He was biting his lip while grinning widely.

Ghoul poured a generous amount of whiskey into both glasses.

“Wanna play a round of question and answer?” he suggested and handed one of the glasses to Gerard.

“I thought you didn’t like that game,” Gerard said and finally looked at him properly again.

“Yeah, but I’ve got questions.” Ghoul trailed his eyes down Gerard’s body briefly. He could just ask of course, but he felt like Gerard might be more open if he felt like they were playing.

“Kay,” Gerard agreed and raised his glass. “But I gotta start, since you challenged me.”

Ghoul clinked their glasses together, meeting Gerard’s eyes. Their green colour in combination with the red eyeshadow made him think of a burning forest. He felt very hot. “Cheers.”

Gerard smirked. “Cheers.”

Ghoul took a hesitant sip of the whiskey. It wasn’t smooth and smoky, but scratchy at the back of his throat, but it was strong and warmed his chest nicely.

“Are you still mad at me?”

The question took Ghoul by surprise. He had expected something else entirely.

“Course not,” he mumbled. “I’m sorry I pushed ya like that. But I’m also glad, y’know? I’m glad I get to see ya like this.”

“Yeah?” Gerard asked softly. His body seemed to relax, like he was finally letting his defences down. But his voice still sounded insecure as if he was begging for reassurance.

“Yeah. ‘S …” Ghoul looked at Gerard’s glossy lips. He wished he didn’t have to find words to encourage him. He wished he could just kiss him, push him down on the couch to let him know how absolutely stunning and desirable he was. But he was scared that it would send the wrong signals – like he had some kind of dress-up kink or something, when it was really quite the opposite. It felt as if something had finally been stripped away from Gerard and he could see the real person underneath. He’d caught glimpses of him before – in the drawing Mikey had given him or in his story about sneaking out to a Mad Gear concert. It was something buried even deeper than the fear: the person Gerard actually was, full of colour and life, full of passion and spite. It was the person that sometimes showed when he laughed or when he felt challenged, and always when he told people that he loved them without expecting to hear it back. Seeing that side of him so openly for the first time made Ghoul realise that he actually had a pretty massive crush on Gerard.

“I’m no good with words,” he tried again. “But ‘s like ya finally letting me see ya. ‘S like I’ve never seen anyone as pretty as ya. Not city pretty, but pretty for real.”

“Thanks, Ghoulie.” Gerard smiled, but it was a small, hesitant smile. “I’m sorry about the things I said. And I’m sorry for lying to you about the broadcast thing.”

Ghoul shook his head. “I know ya didn’t mean ‘em. ‘N I was just hurt ya didn’t tell me, cause I felt used. ‘S not so much ‘bout the broadcast.”

It was easier to admit that now. He had felt betrayed by Gerard and the pain had been sharp and personal, precisely because Ghoul actually liked him a lot.

“I thought you’d be more convincing if you didn’t know.”

Ghoul snorted. He had to admit that he was an awful liar, though. “Korse’s mad. He’s coming over tomorrow. Ya not supposed to go to work.” He realised only now that he had forgotten to mention it before.

Gerard sighed. “Yeah, I expected something like that. I guess there won’t be any sleepovers for a while. But I’ll try to be more honest with you from now on. I want to be honest with you.”

Ghoul gave a short nod of acknowledgement.

“Your turn.”

Ghoul licked his lips and took another sip of his whiskey. He was a little nervous about his question, because depending on the answer, Gerard might take it the wrong way.

“Are ya a girl?” he asked.

Gerard broke into a snorting giggle. “That would be an option for you? Just like that?”

“Well.” Ghoul shrugged. “Yeah.”

“Hm.” Gerard shuffled down on the couch to lean his head against the backrest as he turned to face Ghoul. His dress rode up even further. He moved carelessly, not in the seductive way he did when he wanted to draw attention to his bare skin, but like he simply wasn’t used to wearing skirts in front of anyone.

“For a while I thought I might be, to be honest.” He paused and Ghoul tried to look as attentive as possible to assure him that he cared about what he had to say. “Being a man or even just a boy never felt right. But it’s more about what people expect of me. Act a certain way, dress a certain way. Did you notice that I talk in a lower voice on TV? They asked me to. It’s more manly. And you know that surgery they want me to get? It’s to sharpen my jaw.”

Ghoul felt nauseous. If anyone would be able to talk their way out of it though, it had to be Gerard.

“I’m the face of Battery City, they want me to look like the ideal man, no ambiguity allowed. And I hate that. I hate when they cut my hair and all that shit. But I don’t think it’s as simple as just being a woman either. I just wanna fuck around, you know? I think I prefer female terms, but only because it’s not what I’m supposed to be. I don’t think the terms themselves really matter. I just don’t want to be what they want me to be, y’know?”

“No, sure. ‘S a lotta things ya could be.” Ghoul shrugged again. “Ya could be non-binary. Or genderfluid. Or just gender-nonconforming. Ya could even be your own thing altogether. Doesn’t have to be black ‘n white, y’know?”

Gerard blinked slowly.

“I have no idea what any of this fucking means,” he confessed after a moment. “This shit is different in the Zones, isn’t it?”

“Yeah.” Ghoul resisted the urge to reach out and take Gerard’s hand. “I’m not the best person to explain it. But there’s a lot of middle ground, ‘s not really as strict out there. I know a lot of people who ain’t man or woman. Maybe that’d feel better to ya as well.”

Gerard turned his head slightly, grinning up at the ceiling rather than at Ghoul. “You ever had sex with someone like that?”

Ghoul exhaled soundly. It was typical of Gerard to ask this and he understood what he was getting at. He almost wanted to tell him off, but at the same time, he wanted to reassure Gerard that he was desirable just the way he was.

“Yeah,” he confirmed. “I also used to have a crush on the mechanic who sometimes helped us out with the Am. But they moved away. They were hot.”

“They?” Gerard echoed. It wasn’t quite clear if it was a question or an observation.

“Well, yeah.” It was strange to be reminded just how little Bli taught the kids in Bat City. “’S like neither he nor she, y’know? There’s more. People pick their own pronouns all the time. But a lot of folks just go by they.”

Gerard turned his head to look directly at Ghoul again. The gloss made his lips look wet.

“That’s interesting.”

Ghoul drank from his whiskey. The melted ice had watered it down by now.

“I could call ya that if ya wanna,” he offered. “I know it has to be secret. But just between you ‘n me. To try it out? Ya could always change it later.”

Gerard seemed to think about it.

“Would ya want that?” Ghoul asked. “For me to think of ya that way?”

Gerard took another moment to consider. “Yeah, I think I’d like that,” they finally said.

“Cool,” Ghoul said and smiled. Gerard smiled back. Their face looked softer than usual, maybe because of the makeup they were wearing.

“I think it’s your turn,” Ghoul added. He had kind of lost track, but in a way, that was nice. Compared to the first time Gerard had challenged him, the game felt more like a conversation than like a competition.

“First kiss?” they asked.

Ghoul scoffed and rolled his eyes. He felt like they’d finally reached the point where they could be honest with each other, but of course this was what Gerard wanted to hear.

“Ya should eat something,” he said and nodded at the plates on the table. “Bet ya haven’t eaten properly all day.”

He was starting to feel warm and fuzzy from the whiskey, because he had skipped dinner and wasn’t used to drinking anymore. He assumed the same had to be true for Gerard.

Gerard pouted. “It will mess up my makeup, honey.”

“Mess it up. You’ll look shiny anyway,” Ghoul said. He was staring at Gerard’s glossy lips again. He loved how much they moved, usually pulled into a lopsided grin or a smirk, too thin to be sensual - they really were the least perfect thing about Gerard’s face. Their mouth always looked ready to swear, and the contrast to the delicate sheen of the lip gloss made that even hotter somehow.

Gerard sighed dramatically, but leaned forward to grab some crackers and the one dip that wasn’t too spicy for them. Their collarbone stood out sharply, clearly visible in the dress they were wearing.

“So?” they asked.

“Had my first kiss at like thirteen or so, not too long before Jet’s family got themselves ghosted. They were planning a supply run with another crew, so we were holing up with ‘em for like a week. There was this girl my age, who’d let me go through her comic books while we were staying with ‘em. She kissed me on the last night ‘n I never saw her again. T’was cute though, my hands were all sweaty ‘n shit, I was scared she’d want to hold ‘em. It was real innocent and adorable as fuck.”

Gerard chuckled. “Cute.” They finished the last cracker and licked the salt off their fingers, making a show out of running their pink tongue up to the very tip.

For a change, Ghoul allowed himself to stare openly.

“You ‘n Korse,” he said and Gerard tilted their head. “For real.”

Gerard giggled and lowered their hand. “What does that even mean?”

“Ya know what the fuck it means. I saw him looking at ya. Ya lived with him. Ya really telling me he never acted …” He cleared his throat. “… inappropriately?”

“He didn’t.” Gerard sounded serious all of a sudden, as if it was important to them that Ghoul believed their words. “I really don’t think that’s how he saw me at first. Things started changing once I grew older. I think he was relieved that we moved out when I turned eighteen. He felt guilty for looking at me.”

Briefly, Ghoul wondered if that was part of the reason Gerard tended to act childish, especially in front of Korse. Maybe it wasn’t just about being underestimated, but also because being viewed as a child was what kept them safe.

“Okay, full disclosure though.” Gerard giggled. They reached for their glass again and sipped on the whiskey. Their giggle sounded so silly and their cheeks were so pink, that Ghoul wondered if they could already feel the alcohol. “Towards the end, once I had lost weight and felt more confident, I would sometimes let him catch me in the shower. I’d just accidentally forget to lock the door when I knew he was home and stuff.”

They giggled again, leaving Ghoul feeling dumbstruck.

“Ya did what?”

“It wasn’t to seduce him.” Gerard waved their hand dismissively. Their lips were forming that lopsided grin again, that looked both cheeky and predatory. “But he would always feel so bad about it. Honestly, he would feel so guilty, he’d give me whatever I wanted afterwards. I’m not even sure he was aware of it. It was important not to ask beforehand, it wasn’t a bribe. I would have to get caught first and then ask while he felt too flustered to even meet my eyes. Worked every fucking time.”

They laughed again. Ghoul shook his head. Gerard’s behaviour just seemed reckless to him.

Gerard held on to their glass and trailed the rim with their finger.

“First time?” They grinned. “With a man.” They halted the motion of their finger. “Or no, that’s not actually what I mean. I mean …”

Ghoul snorted. “I know whatcha mean.” This time he rolled his eyes even more dramatically. “You’re so fucking predictable, dude.”

Gerard shrugged. “I’m curious, kay? And now I can finally ask. Would have been weird when we didn’t know each other yet.”

Ghoul snorted with laughter. “It’s still weird, ya fucker.” He had to admit that the question sounded curious rather than horny though. “Was like … two years ago maybe? With this guy we’d sometimes trade with – gas, batteries, stuff like that. We always got along well. So we did it a couple of times.”

Gerard scrunched up their nose. They looked ridiculously offended.

“So he was your boyfriend or something?”

They were pouting so hard that it made Ghoul giggle.

“No, not my boyfriend,” he said. “More like a friend for cold nights.” He paused. Gerard wasn’t looking at him directly. “Y’know, love’s not all that important. But liking someone, I think that’s important. Being comfortable with someone.”

He wasn’t sure why it was so important for him to clarify that, but he kept thinking of the way Gerard’s hands had trembled when they’d first tried to undress Ghoul. They had been almost as frightened as Ghoul, latching on to him desperately, because he was their only option. He wanted Gerard to know that it didn’t have to be like that.

“Yeah,” Gerard said quietly.

Ghoul knew that it would be different if they tried again now. They’d be careful and tender with each other and there would be love of some kind. It felt almost selfish to withhold that from Gerard, when he was finally able to give them not just the sex but also the connection they craved.

Gerard turned to meet Ghoul’s eyes again, biting their lip while obviously searching for words.

“What’s it like?” they asked, and Ghoul felt embarrassed for having misunderstood what the question was really about.

“Destroya, Gee,” he mumbled and rubbed his face. He wasn’t good at putting words to things, especially not things that were this intimate, and especially not when Gerard was looking at him with eyes like green glass in the morning sun. “’S a bit weird at first, y’know? But not bad. ‘N when it feels good, it feels really good.” He licked his lips. “Sex in general, y’know, ‘s not always equally good. Out there, it’s often rushed ‘n kind of awkward. But it’s good.”

He wanted to reach out and stroke Gerard’s arm, but he was worried that it would look like an invitation. The fine hair on Gerard’s arms was standing up. The AC was running strong and they had to be cold in their flimsy summer dress.

“Kay,” Gerard said, leaning their head back against the couch. Ghoul couldn’t quite read their tone.

He narrowed his eyes. “When I walked in on ya in the shower. After I first moved in. Was that on purpose?”

Gerard giggled. Their voice did sound higher than it did during the news broadcasts, Ghoul noticed that now.

“Well, I hoped you’d catch me. It’s exciting, too, you know? Getting caught.”

Ghoul remembered Gerard’s dick, half-hard as the water ran down their body. He wished he didn’t remember it quite as vividly. He downed the rest of his whiskey and put the glass back on the table with a sound that felt too loud in the otherwise quiet room.

“Of course ya would fucking think that,” he grumbled to distract from the fact that he was probably blushing violently.

“Did it work though?”

“Work?” Ghoul repeated numbly.

“You know, did you feel tempted? Have you thought about it since?”

Gerard’s voice turned lower, smooth and silky.

Ghoul cast down his eyes, but he only ended up staring at Gerard’s bare legs.

He wanted to put his hand on Gerard’s knee. He wanted to feel the skin where it was soft on the inside of their thigh. He wanted to run his hand up underneath their dress, touch them through their underwear. Maybe they were wearing something fancy from the Zones, too, something black or red to match the colours of their dress. Or maybe they wore the plain white underwear of Bat City, scratchy against their sensitive skin if Ghoul palmed them through it.

“Next,” he mumbled.

Gerard chuckled. They were giddy tonight. Ghoul couldn’t tell if it was because of the outfit or the alcohol.

“Favourite sex position?”

“Dunno, man.” Ghoul shrugged, his face still felt too hot. “Depends. I like looking at my partner, though.”

He imagined pushing Gerard down on the couch and climbing on top of them, watching their face as he reached under their dress to get them off. He’d ask them to look at him while he touched them, making them hold eye contact, so he would see all the embarrassment and awe they felt as they came undone, being touched by another person for the first time. Ghoul would lock eyes with them, so they wouldn’t feel alone even for a second.

“Is that how you did it with gas and batteries?” Gerard asked. “Or how you’d do it with the hot mechanic?”

Their voice sounded light and teasing for the most part, but there was a sharp edge hidden underneath.

“Oi.” Ghoul nudged their shoulder. Their skin felt cool. Their dress was meant for the desert, not for the city. “Don’t be jealous. It ain’t a good look for ya.”

“I can make anything look good, sugar.” Gerard batted their lashes at him. They were so long, Ghoul wondered if they’d used mascara. It was hard to tell, though, their lashes always looked insanely long. They were framing their eyes like shadows when the sun was setting. “Anyway, it’s your turn.”

Ghoul tried to think of anything else he wanted to know.

“What kind of underwear are you wearing?” The words slipped out before he could think of a more appropriate question.

Gerard threw back their head and laughed. Ghoul had never heard them laugh this loudly and obnoxiously before and he blamed at least partly the whiskey.

“Ghoulie!” They were still laughing, looking up at the ceiling and seeming absolutely delighted.

Even though his ears were burning hot, their reaction made Ghoul smile. Maybe it wouldn’t hurt to flirt with them occasionally; not when it made them this happy.

“You gotta let a girl keep her secrets.” They pulled their legs onto the couch, flexing their feet in a way that brought out the muscles in their calves. Ghoul stared at the bright red nail polish. Just like their hands, Gerard’s feet were perfectly manicured. “Next.”

Ghoul blinked in confusion. “Really?” He had assumed Gerard would jump on the opportunity to tease him.

They shrugged. “You’re welcome to check for yourself though.” Their lips curled into that gorgeous, lopsided grin that made Ghoul think of cigarettes and dirty talk.

They arched their back, lifting their arm slightly to show off the shape of their body underneath the dress. They knew how to move to draw attention, Ghoul had noticed that very clearly during their poker night already.

“Korse,” he said and Gerard dropped their arm again.

“What’s with the obsession, honey? It’s starting to look like you’re the one who is jealous.”

Ghoul swallowed, trying to push down the thought that Gerard might be right. Their relationship with Korse bothered him and he told himself that it was either because Gerard was playing a risky game that could fall back on both of them, or because he wanted to protect them from the evil man who had turned them into one of Bli’s tools. But there was something else to it, too, something that tasted bitter on his tongue, especially when Gerard spoke of Korse affectionately.

“If he’d made a move on ya … ‘n I don’t mean in the blackmailing kinda way, but like, when ya were flirting with him … would ya …?”

Gerard pursed their lips. “My truth or your truth?”

“They ain’t the same?”

Gerard shook their head. “Not quite.”

Ghoul hesitated. “I want ‘em both.”

“Your truth is that I would have slept with him, because he groomed me and I wouldn’t have known any better, since that’s the only kind of love I ever experienced.”

They paused and Ghoul had to swallow. If he was honest, that was pretty much exactly what he had assumed.

“And your truth?”

“I would have done it, fully aware of how messed up it is. I know it sounds weird, but I still think we could have been happy, you know?”

Ghoul’s mouth tasted stale again.

“Cause ya like him.”

Gerard nodded. “Well, yeah. He saved us. And as fucked up as it is, he raised me so that I would always be able to protect Mikey and myself, even without him. He never taught me to believe in the system, just how to survive in it.”

Ghoul let out a low growl without meaning to. Gerard’s lips curled into a subtle smirk.

“Didn’t he, like, lock ya in ‘n shit?”  

“Yeah.” Now Gerard smirked more openly. “He put locks on my window. But he always used the same code. He could have changed it, you know? He knew I was sneaking out. But he never did. The locks weren’t there to keep me in. They were there so he could tell the Director he was doing everything to keep me under control. It’s all about stories, Ghoulie. The truth is rarely just black and white, even here in Battery City.”

Ghoul frowned. He could see Gerard’s point, but he hated that things had to be so messy. He wanted clear answers, not stories that were a little bit true and a little bit false all at once.

“If ya were with him, ya wouldn’t get to dress like this though,” he said and vaguely gestured down Gerard’s body. He was aware that he sounded pouty, but it was important to him that Gerard acknowledged that he was actually the better option, the better partner, the one who’d treat them as an equal and would love all of them.

He hated feeling so jealous that it made him dizzy. 

“Who knows, he’s never seen me like this before.” Gerard crossed their legs, drawing attention to their thighs. In spite of him being so skinny, they were surprisingly thick and Ghoul wanted to put his hand between them again. It still astonished him with which ease Gerard moved on the couch, even though they usually chose to sit on the floor. It really felt as if only the dress gave them the confidence needed to take up the space they deserved.

“What do you think, Ghoulie?” Gerard batted their lashes again. Their lip gloss was slightly smeared at the corner of their mouth, from eating and drinking and licking their lips. “Could anyone resist me like this?”

“No,” Ghoul said without thinking. He wished the word hadn’t stumbled out quite as quickly.

Gerard was holding his gaze, but they didn’t look smug; rather vulnerable, because they clearly hadn’t expected Ghoul to reply so earnestly and weren’t sure if he really meant it.

“Ain’t anyone in their right mind who’d be able to see ya like this and not want ya.”

He was referring to all of it – their beautiful eyes and their lopsided grin, their short dress and their obnoxious laugh, their pale skin and the hair on their legs.

Gerard searched his face, before they moved. They gave him time to pull back, to move away if he wanted to, but Ghoul remained perfectly still. He closed his eyes, smelling makeup and sweat and whiskey. When they kissed, Gerard’s lips were sticky with lip gloss.

The lip gloss tasted artificial, he stuck out his tongue to run it across Gerard’s lips. Gerard shivered against him, moving closer. On their tongue, Ghoul could taste whiskey and salt and something sweeter, something he vaguely remembered from the time they’d kissed on the rooftop, when it had nearly been hidden underneath the taste of cigarettes.

He reached up, clumsily placing his hand on Gerard’s upper arm. Their skin felt cool and smooth, but their hand that found its way to Ghoul’s neck was warm.

Ghoul kept kissing back until he ran out of breath, feeling dizzy and light-headed when he finally broke the kiss. Gerard kissed his jaw, leaving behind a wet, sticky trail that made Ghoul shudder. He wanted them. He wanted Gerard’s lips on him everywhere. He wanted to go to the bedroom, to lie in the soft, comfy bed – their bed. He wanted to undress Gerard, he wanted to taste them, he wanted to look into their eyes when they came.

Gerard kissed his pulse point, running their tongue up to his ear, their touch tender and careful and Ghoul could feel their affection washing over him like a wave.

“Stop,” he said and pushed against Gerard’s shoulder. “I don’t wanna.”

Because it wouldn’t be fair to Gerard. Because he still wanted to leave.

Gerard flinched back, almost as if they’d been burnt. They stared at Ghoul, their eyes large and teary and for a moment, he didn’t understand why Gerard looked this frightened.

“I’m so sorry, Ghoul,” they said. “Destroya, I’m so sorry, I swear, I thought this was what you wanted. I didn’t mean to pressure you, I’m so sorry.” Their rambling was nearly incomprehensible. “I fucked this up, I really didn’t want to force myself on you. I misread the signals and …”

“Shh,” Ghoul said softly and put his hand on Gerard’s arm to calm them down. “It’s alright, please calm down. Ya didn’t do anything wrong.”

Gerard’s eyes looked unfocused and they seemed too stressed and embarrassed to look at Ghoul directly.

“I misread the signals,” they repeated. “I’m sorry.”

“Ya didn’t misread anything. ‘S my fault. I wanted to kiss ya. I really did. You’re gorgeous.”

Gerard finally looked up to meet his eyes again.

“I just don’t think it’s a good idea,” Ghoul carried on. “’S complicated. But it ain’t your fault.”

He lowered his hand and Gerard made a sniffing sound.

Ghoul wished he could sleep with them, he wished he could love them. He wished he could take Gerard to the Zones with him, but it was too dangerous. Ghoul wasn’t important. He might manage to slip through the cracks of the system. But Gerard was important. Bli would never let them escape, and if they did, they would hunt them down for the rest of their life. Even if Bli gave up at some point, Korse would never let it go, because to him it would be personal.

It was selfish, because Ghoul knew that Gerard would be happier in the Zones. They’d be free, free to dress and talk however they wanted, free to love and to fuck and to just be themself. But he was a coward, who couldn’t take on that kind of responsibility, and he couldn’t do this to Jet either. He’d never leave Ghoul’s side and if he brought Gerard with him, all of them would spend the rest of their days on the most wanted list.

“I just don’t think it’d be fair to either of us,” he said quietly.

He couldn’t let Gerard believe they’d finally found what they were looking for, only to break their heart when he left. And if he allowed himself to commit, Ghoul might not find it in him to leave either. He hated himself for his own weakness, but it felt as if he had to choose between Gerard and the Zones. And as much as he cared about them, when he thought of the sun on his skin and music and colour and Jet, he just wanted to go home.

“I’m sorry.”

“You don’t have to explain yourself.” Gerard sat up, pulling away. Their shoulders were hunched, their legs spread as if they had simply forgotten what they were wearing. “No means no and I’m going to respect that, whatever your reason is.”

Ghoul clenched his jaw. Gerard sounded so genuine. They had made the mistake of pressuring Ghoul once and they were dead set on not doing it again, and somehow that hurt, although it shouldn’t. It hurt to see them trying so hard.

Ghoul wished that he could have sex with Gerard at least once, a good-bye fuck to show them what it could be like when it was real and it mattered. He wondered if he shouldn’t just reach out and pull Gerard back in. When he left, they’d both be heartbroken anyway.

“I should get ready for bed,” Gerard said. “I need to remove my makeup.” Their voice sounded flat and Ghoul wished he knew how to stop hurting them.

“Kay,” he mumbled.

Gerard moved to get up, but they paused again, turning to look at Ghoul. “I don’t want you to hate me,” they said, irritatingly serious. “Or be mad at me. This whole thing today, I know you were upset. I’m just not … good at this. I don’t know when to kiss someone, or when to be honest, or how. I’m trying. I really don’t want to hurt you. I don’t want this to be the way it is with Korse, where it’s always a competition. I want to be your friend. But I don’t know how to be anyone’s friend. I don’t even know with Mikey. I should trust him more, but I keep thinking of him as this eleven-year-old, who needed me to make the decisions for both of us. I really don’t want you to hate me.”

“Hey, I don’t hate ya.” Ghoul reached out to touch Gerard’s shoulder, because he didn’t have the words to comfort them. “I was mad, ‘s all. I’m not anymore.”

Very briefly, he wondered if Gerard was tricking him again. After all, they had gotten exactly what they wanted and Ghoul no longer distrusted them.

But the whole room, the dresses and the makeup, the paintings and the booze, they were too elaborate to be part of a scheme just to lure him in. Gerard had put themself into Ghoul’s hands; they had decided to trust him to not use any of this knowledge against them.

Ghoul looked at their bony shoulders, the thin strap of their summer dress cutting into the pale skin. When Ghoul licked his lips, he could still taste lip gloss.

Gerard turned their head, catching Ghoul off guard.

“I love you,” they said. It didn’t sound demanding, just like they wanted to make sure the conversation would end on this note, that after all the arguing and the awkwardness, Ghoul knew that they cared.

Ghoul smiled tiredly. It was weird to know that he had rejected Gerard and that he was still looking forward to crawling into bed with them and wrapping his arms around them tightly.

“Love ya, too.”

Gerard grinned. Their lip gloss was mostly gone, half smeared across Ghoul’s face. Their lips looked less pink now, but still shiny.

“Love you three.”

Ghoul rolled his eyes. But this time, he wondered if Gerard insisted on saying it again, because they felt like they meant it twice as much as Ghoul.

Chapter Text

The bed was still warm on Gerard’s side of the bed when Ghoul woke and he could hear the shower running in the bathroom. 

He sighed, rubbing his cheek against the pillow and inhaling Gerard’s smell, sweet and chemical. He wished he would have woken up next to them.

He kept his eyes shut until the shower stopped running. It was tempting to remain lying in bed, but he wanted to join Gerard for breakfast and he knew that Korse would be over soon.

His mind was still spinning with memories of last night. He kind of regretted pushing Gerard away after their kiss, but at the same time, he felt giddy with happiness, because Gerard had finally allowed Ghoul to see them without a mask. He wasn’t quite sure what to call that bubbly feeling inside of him, but it might be infatuation.

He slipped out of the bed and grabbed fresh clothes on his way to the bathroom. The mirror was fogged and the tiles in the shower were still wet. He stripped off his pyjamas and turned on the hot water for his usual, excessively long morning shower.

He tilted back his head, letting the hot stream of water wash over him. He would miss this in the Zones. He’d miss the showers and the food, and he would miss Gerard. 

Ghoul thought of the way they’d looked last night, their smile and the makeup that brought out the colour of their eyes; their dress that had ridden up and their strong yet plush thighs. He was starting to grow hard and he hesitated a moment before reaching down to wrap his fist around his cock.

He had gotten off under the shower a couple of times before while Gerard was at work, but overall his libido had kept a pretty low profile since he’d been captured. He hadn’t touched himself even once while thinking about Gerard yet, although he’d been tempted before.

He gave himself a few indecisive strokes, his dick growing harder as he suppressed a moan.

It felt weird to do this in secret and he wondered if he wouldn’t be making better use of his boner if he called out to Gerard. They would probably be alarmed and irritated at first, but Ghoul would just ask them to join him in the shower. They’d take off their clothes, hesitant and shy while pretending to be confident. They’d ask Ghoul what they could do for him and Ghoul would ask them - beg them - to take him into their mouth. Gerard would go down on their knees, inexperienced but eager and kind of smug.

Ghoul started jerking himself faster.

He pictured Gerard the way they had looked yesterday, sticky lipgloss smeared around their mouth and all over Ghoul’s dick, batting their lashes as they’d look up to ask for reassurance that Ghoul would happily give them, hair dripping wet, long and touching their shoulders in a way that made them feel pretty. It would be hot and filthy, and it would be tender.

Gerard would put their hands on his hips as they grew more confident, sneaking them down to grab his ass. Ghoul slipped his free hand to his butt, sliding down between the cheeks, imagining that it were Gerard’s fingers brushing against his hole while their mouth stayed wrapped around his dick.

He came all over his hand, panting and leaning back against the cool glass while the water washed away the cum, flooding it down the drain. The orgasm had been quick and hard, but he was pretty sure that he had managed to keep his voice down. His face felt warm with embarrassment and guilt.

He felt bad for fantasising about Gerard like this instead of actually acting on it.

Maybe it was stupid to insist on escaping, just because he was clinging to his original plan. He couldn’t take Gerard with him, but only his own selfishness prevented him from staying here with them. He would never see Jet again, but they could talk on the radio, and Jet didn’t need him as much. He had friends in the Zones, he’d join another crew, knowing that Ghoul was safe. But Gerard and Mikey had no one else. They could be their own crew, right here in Bat City. They wouldn’t be free, but Mikey could pimp their radio, so they’d be able to listen to music from the Zones, and Gerard could smuggle in booze and cigarettes and every other night, they would close all the blinds and lock the doors and they would dress up and Ghoul would assure them that they were beautiful. And they would kiss and have sex and tell each other that they were in love. He could create a home with Gerard right here.

He kept his eyes closed, the warmth of the water washing over him. He knew that his thoughts were heavily influenced by the afterglow of the orgasm and the image of Gerard’s lipgloss smile still fresh in his mind, but there might be a point to them after all. He shouldn’t make any rash decisions, but he shouldn’t dismiss the possibility either. Gerard and Mikey needed him more than Jet did. Neither solution was perfect, but Ghoul might have been mistaken in assuming he could only be happy in the Zones. He doubted he would be happy, knowing that Gerard was sitting in their sterile apartment all by themself.

He grabbed the soap and lathered it on his body, washing his hair and massaging his scalp until foam bubbles spilled out between his fingers. 

While rinsing himself off he fantasised about walking into the kitchen to kiss Gerard. He had felt overwhelmed last night, unable to make a decision, but today it seemed to be all he could think about.

He turned off the shower to towel himself off. His hair was still dripping wet when he put on clothes, he never had the patience to blowdry it like Gerard did. He didn’t even bother combing it after the shower.

He left the bathroom to enter the kitchen, where Gerard was currently putting on coffee. They were wearing their white Bli clothes and kept their back to the door, bending over the counter in a way that made them look smaller and more frail than they actually were.

Ghoul stood watching for a moment, overcome by a desperate wave of affection and no idea what to do with it.

“You’re up early,” Gerard said without turning around. Their voice sounded chipper and wide awake already. “There’ll be coffee in a minute.”

Ghoul crossed the distance between them and wrapped his arms around Gerard from behind. Their waist was slim and he held on tightly, putting his head on Gerard’s shoulder, so his wet hair was drenching their shirt.

Gerard let out a startled noise before they started giggling. They didn’t try to pull back though, instead they put their hand on Ghoul’s arm in front of their body.

“Morning, Ghoulie. What did I do to deserve this?”

Ghoul hummed against their shoulder, indecisive about what to say. A part of him wanted to tell Gerard that he had made up his mind: that he would stay with them and that he would love them. But he wasn’t ready yet to commit to that idea.

“Thought ‘bout ya in the shower,” he mumbled instead.

He hoped that Gerard wouldn’t over-interpret that confession, but he caught their breath hitch, and allowed himself to acknowledge that it was actually cute and hot and that he really enjoyed drawing these reactions from Gerard.

Their hand stilled on Ghoul’s arm. “Yeah?” Their voice sounded breathy, but not in a flirty way, rather as if they were scared to ruin the moment.

It made Ghoul feel more confident. If he did decide to stay, there was no reason for him to hold back.

“Yeah,” he confirmed, keeping his voice low as he whispered against Gerard’s neck. “Thought ‘bout how pretty ya looked last night.”

Gerard shivered. Ghoul was holding them so closely, that he could feel it against his own body. He was still resting his head against Gerard’s shoulder, the collar of their shirt completely soaked by now. He was pretty sure that if he hadn’t gotten off in the shower just now, he’d be growing hard with the way he was pressing up against Gerard from behind.

He could feel their breathing, their chest heaving in his embrace. He waited for Gerard to say anything else, to keep teasing, but they stayed quiet, their breath shallow, obviously waiting for Ghoul to make the next move. He wondered what to tell them. He didn’t want to storm into this recklessly, but he was tired of letting Gerard down, and he wanted to give them something.

“Been thinking,” he said quietly. “‘Bout you ‘n me. And I ain’t done thinking yet. But I want ya to know that I am thinking, yeah?”

He hated that once again words seemed to fail him, unable to express what he really wanted to say. But Gerard seemed to get it anyway, because they moved their hand, stroking Ghoul’s lower arm lightly.

“Okay,” they whispered. “Ya just tell me when you’re done thinking.”

Ghoul hummed and Gerard shifted in his arms, so he let go, allowing them to turn around. He barely backed off, though, caging Gerard between his body and the kitchen counter. They were looking down at him, their gaze steady. Usually, Ghoul tended to grow uncomfortable when they looked at him like this and even now he felt his face heating up. But for a change he allowed the blush to spread across his cheeks, smiling at Gerard affectionately.

Gerard chuckled and rolled their eyes, looking up at the ceiling.

“Destroya, Ghoulie, you need to stop looking at me like this,” they muttered and it sounded genuinely embarrassed. “Imma kiss you again and look like a fool.”

Ghoul snorted. His face felt even hotter and he took a small step back.

“Ya don’t need to be kissing me for that.”

Gerard let out a startled laugh. “Always the charmer,” they observed and turned to pour two mugs of coffee. They didn’t seem mad though, but almost relieved that Ghoul had defused the situation with a joke. It was still hard to read them, but Ghoul thought he noticed a certain tension in their shoulders.

He took his coffee. The mug was still steaming hot and he would have to wait a moment before drinking. Gerard immediately started downing their coffee.

“Ya worried ‘bout Korse?” Ghoul asked.

“I’m sure it will be fine,” Gerard said, so quickly that it seemed to be instinctual. They took another sip of their coffee. Then they frowned. “I mean, no, actually I’m not sure. He’ll be fucking pissed. But at least there isn’t anything he can do about it anymore. The damage is done, so what is he going to do other than yell at me?” They shrugged. “We shouldn’t give him a reason to snap though. No talking back today, yeah? Don’t let him provoke you. He’ll definitely try.”

Ghoul nodded. He wasn’t good at sucking things up, but he understood that the situation was serious. He would keep his head down and act as polite as possible. 

“It’s just for today,” Gerard added as if to apologise. “Only until he calmed down.”

Ghoul drank his coffee, leaning against the kitchen counter next to Gerard. The apartment was eerily quiet as always. He wondered if he should suggest making breakfast, but he wasn’t hungry yet and Gerard seemed too nervous to eat. Ghoul would make sure they ate something after their meeting with Korse though.

Finally the doorbell rang and Ghoul put down his mug feeling almost relieved, because the wait was over at last.

He followed Gerard into the living room, keeping his distance to the front door. Korse hadn’t let himself in yet, which was rare and in a way felt more threatening than if he had just entered. Gerard had to cross the room and unlock the door, holding it open for him.

“Morning, Korse,” they said. The usual playfulness had vanished from their tone.

“Gerard.” Korse moved past them, leaving it to Gerard to shut the door again.

“Do you want to sit down?” Gerard offered and gestured towards the dining area where Ghoul was standing. Korse didn’t move from the centre of the room. “Can I get you something? There’s coffee.”

“I think we can do this standing,” Korse said. “There is nothing to discuss. I’m just here to tell you that the Director is furious and that your scripts will be reviewed a lot more attentively from now on. Anything you have to say for yourself?”

Ghoul eyed Gerard, curious what they were going to say. They kept their back very straight, the usual carefreeness gone from their movements, but they didn’t look insecure either. They seemingly knew better than to insult Korse’s intelligence by playing dumb.

“Listen, Korse, I’m sorry I got you in trouble. I really am. But I stand by what I did. The people deserve to know the truth.”

“The truth?” Korse snarled. His hand twitched and Ghoul tensed, ready to jump forward if he made any move to physically attack Gerard. “So you're telling me that all you wanted to do was to educate our citizens? And the fact that James Cloon was the one who signed off on the clearance certificate for the modified age restriction of Better Pharmaceuticals has nothing to do with it?”

Gerard shrugged nonchalantly. “Call it a happy accident.”

“You are lucky if I don’t call it treason,” Korse snapped. He wasn’t yelling, but his voice was raised. Gerard’s shoulders were squared defensively. “This is setting us back by several months.”

Ghoul gritted his teeth to keep a neutral expression, although no one was paying attention to him anyway. He had known that Gerard had pulled a big stunt, but once again, he had underestimated them. He should have known that there was more at stake than met the eye. With Gerard, there was always a bigger picture.

“Well, what do you want me to say?” Gerard’s voice sounded more heated now. Once more Ghoul was impressed that they only kept lying as long as it served a purpose, but that they were able to drop the act the moment it became see-through in order to turn the other person into an involuntary accomplice instead. “That’s fucking great. We don’t want them to lower that fucking age restriction.”

Korse raised his hand and pointed his finger at Gerard. It looked lecturing and like he would rather have slapped them instead.

“There is no we. Don’t be mistaken about that, just because I tolerate your mutinous talk. There is only the system and those who disrupt it will have to go.”

Gerard lifted their head, pushing out their chin in a challenging way.

“It’s too late now anyway, you can’t take it back.”

“That’s not what I’m here for. I’m here to let you know that your behaviour won’t be without consequences. You’ve enjoyed far too many privileges as of late and it has clearly affected your morals.”

For the first time, Gerard changed their posture, cocking their hip. Ghoul couldn’t see their face, but he would have bet that they looked smug.

“So how are you going to punish me, daddy?” Their voice wasn’t flirty, but dripping with sarcasm. “Gonna change my bedtime?”

Korse scanned them, pausing as his eyes fell on the wet spot on Gerard’s shirt. His eyes flickered over to Ghoul just briefly, taking in his dripping wet hair, before turning back to Gerard.

“How’s your pet?” he asked, holding Gerard’s gaze for a moment, before abruptly turning towards Ghoul, the stare of his dark eyes so intense it seemed to freeze him in place. He wanted to run and hide. Korse’s voice sounded different from any other time he had previously addressed Ghoul. He seemed upset, as if it was the small proof of their intimacy that really set him off.

Gerard took a step sideways, blocking Korse’s line of vision.

“Leave him out of this. He had nothing to do with it.”

Ghoul’s heart skipped a beat. It hadn’t even occurred to him that he might be blamed for his bad influence on Gerard.

“Oh, I don’t doubt that for a second.” Korse’s voice suddenly turned smooth. “He wasn’t exactly picked for his intellect.”

Ghoul wanted to feel offended, but he was mostly glad that Korse was currently looking only at Gerard.

“He wasn’t brought here for you two to get all cosy either though, you know that, right? You were supposed to help him integrate into the system, teach him how to follow rules. How’s that going? Have you taught him to lay back and spread his legs on command, or have you failed that task as well?”

Ghoul knew that Korse was trying to provoke a reaction out of them, that he would strike the moment they showed weakness, but he still felt himself growing cold at the words.

“I actually prefer him bending over,” Gerard joked lightly, sounding perfectly calm.

Ghoul was pretty sure that under normal circumstances Korse would have laughed, but he clearly wasn’t in the mood for it today.

He looked past Gerard’s shoulder, his focus back on Ghoul. He kept completely still, feeling like prey that would get hunted down if his flight reflex kicked in.

“Maybe I should try for myself. Borrow him for a couple of days to see if he’s really all you say he is.”

He looked Ghoul up and down, his expression hungry. Ghoul wanted to cry, just thinking of Korse’s spidery hands on his body. It was probably just an empty threat. Korse had never shown any real interest in him before. It wasn’t Ghoul he wanted. But he wanted to hurt Gerard for the position they had put him in. And there was something about the closeness between them, too, Ghoul assumed. If he couldn’t have Gerard, Ghoul was the next best thing, a way to get close to them by proxy and maybe that was enough to get Korse’s dick hard.

He swallowed.

“Come here, Frank,” Korse said, his voice almost friendly, calm yet authoritative. 

Ghoul hesitated. He didn’t want to get any closer to Korse, but Gerard had asked him to be on his best behaviour today. Maybe Korse would be appeased if they just played along, if they gave him back a feeling of control that Gerard had taken away from him by going behind his back.

He took a hesitant step forward, trying to keep a brave face. His chest felt so tight he couldn’t breathe and he felt tears welling up in his eyes, but he wouldn’t cry. He felt like he was being pinned down in the desert sand all over again, forcing himself to not cry out for Jet, because he didn’t want him to get caught.

Gerard moved, holding out their arm as if to block Ghoul’s way. He was still too far away for them to touch, but the gesture was unmistakably asking him to not come any closer. Ghoul felt relieved, but also scared. He felt as if a delicate balance was about to tilt and if it did, one of them would get hurt.

“I don’t think I’m comfortable with that. He was placed in my care after all and I wouldn’t want to go against the Director’s explicit instructions,” Gerard said, almost coquettishly. They kept their tone light, but the words themselves gave them away. It was a flimsy excuse. “I wouldn’t want to risk you messing with my progress, since I’m the one who is supposed to supervise him.”

Korse was no longer looking at Ghoul at all, his eyes were transfixed on Gerard’s face. Gerard stared back. The air between them felt thick and hostile.

“I could do it right here,” Korse offered. “Let you watch while I have him on the couch, so you could …” He paused, before rolling the word off his tongue. “... supervise. How would you feel about that?”

The room fell quiet. Ghoul’s breath was coming rapidly and he still felt tears pricking behind his eyelids.

He could tell that it was a test - a test to see where Gerard’s loyalties lay. And it wasn’t about Bli either, this was personal. If they chose Ghoul, it meant admitting that they’d lied about their relationship, and it would be proof that all of their flirting had been nothing but a strategy to manipulate Korse. The only acceptable answer would be offering him up for sharing, turning it into a weird sexual game that brought them closer to each other - proving that it was Korse they really wanted and that Ghoul meant nothing.

There was a chance that the offer alone would appease Korse, if Gerard managed to sell it, and they were good at selling it. But even if Korse wasn’t bluffing, it might be their best option if Ghoul managed to just lie down and take it. He knew it would hurt Gerard, but maybe it would hurt them a little less, if Ghoul managed not to cry out for help.

Because he had no doubt that if Gerard refused, they would both be punished for a betrayal that was harsh and personal. Korse would hurt them, and he might take Ghoul by force anyway, just to prove his fucking point.

And still Ghoul wanted to hide behind Gerard’s back and beg them to protect him. But he had told Jet to run when they were captured and he fought back the tears now. He considered taking a step forward, but he knew that the sacrifice would be worthless coming from him. Gerard was the one who had crossed Korse, Gerard was the one who had to offer up something to pay the price.

Ghoul could practically see all these thoughts running through Gerard’s mind, plus at least a dozen more that Ghoul hadn’t even taken into consideration yet. Surely, they would reach the same conclusion.

“You will not touch him,” they said. Their tone left no room for arguments.

“Giving orders now? I think you’ve forgotten your place.” Korse sounded amused, unbothered. Gerard looked ready to throw a punch. They had lost the upper hand, simply by giving away that they cared; the one thing they weren’t supposed to do in Bat City. “I made you.”

“No,” Gerard corrected, tilting their head. “I’m the one who made you, honey. What were you when we met? Nothing but a low-rank Exterminator. You got all these promotions because you discovered a star. I got both of us to where we are now and you know it. All your best ideas were mine.”

It felt as if a wall had been dropped, unleashing all of Gerard’s pent-up resentment. Ghoul could sense the venom behind their words.

“You think you’re untouchable.” Korse’s voice turned into a hiss. He was no longer in control either. They still weren’t yelling, but they reminded Ghoul of wild animals circling each other. “But he is not. There’s six Dracs outside. They’ll hold you down with no effort if I tell them to. He’s quiet when he hurts, so he won't scream. But he is going to cry, I can assure you that.”

Ghoul felt numb, like he wasn’t really there at all. He was back at the facility, trying not to cry out with pain while Korse stood over him watching. He felt cold. His hands were trembling. He couldn’t get them to stop. He wanted to say Gerard’s name, but his throat felt clogged.

Gerard turned their head slightly, so Ghoul could see their frown. They looked pale, and like they were about to be sick.

“What were the criteria?” they asked quietly. “When you picked him?”

Ghoul couldn’t make sense of the question, or why it came up now.

Korse smirked, looking at Ghoul again briefly. He still felt cold, especially where his long hair had soaked the back of his shirt.

“Young, but not too young, that’s not your thing. Stubborn. Loose tongue. Loyal to the cause.”

The criteria didn’t make any sense. He had been meant to become Gerard’s pet.

“I just didn’t expect the attachment to be so mutual. Now tell him to get on the couch, or bend over it, if you prefer. I’m sure he’ll do it if you’re the one asking.”

Ghoul had to admit that Korse was right. His knees felt weak and if Gerard decided that the battle was lost, Ghoul would trust in their judgement and take the consequences. He wouldn’t beg them to save him, not if it meant they’d put themself in danger.

Gerard took a step forward, so suddenly that it startled even Korse. He flinched when they got up in his personal space, taking a small step back seemingly without meaning to. 

Ghoul felt something rushing through his veins that he couldn’t name. 

Gerard was standing close to Korse, and even though he was taller, the sudden shift made them seem in control of the situation. Ghoul was sure that Korse could feel their breath on his face.

“Listen up,” Gerard said, their voice lowered and threatening. Ghoul’s heart was beating fast. All of a sudden, Gerard seemed scary, and all of this cold fury was unleashed only to keep him safe. “If you lay a finger on him, I will end you. I will have you stripped of your title and then I’ll have you executed, tied to a chair with a fucking bag over your head. I’ll tell the Director that I refuse to work with you any longer, because you are a traitor and I will not feel at peace until you’re dead.”

“She’ll know the truth,” Korse said, but he was leaning back ever so slightly as if he wanted to get away from Gerard.

“This is Bat City, babes. The truth doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter that you are more loyal and easier to control. It only matters how replaceable we are. You are just a guy in an office. I’m a celebrity. If it’s me against you, the Director will choose the narrative that’s easier to sell. You can’t win against a pretty face.”

Ghoul waited for Korse to argue, but he kept quiet. Gerard still didn’t back away.

“You made a miscalculation,” they carried on after a grave pause. “I’ve already got blood on my hands to protect Mikey. And you’ve just given me twice the reason to fight.”

They paused again, shorter this time. “Now get the fuck out of our apartment.”

Ghoul held his breath, unable to believe that Korse would just give in. But after another moment, he took a step back. Gerard still hadn’t moved an inch.

“I see you’ve made your decision,” he said flatly.

Gerard didn’t reply. Ghoul hadn’t expected them to win this fight, but it was clearly Korse on the retreat. Once he reached the door, he paused again as if waiting for Gerard to say something.

Gerard stayed quiet. For the first time since Ghoul knew them, they let Korse go in silence.

The door fell shut behind him with a loud bang and Ghoul flinched at the noise, suddenly feeling like his knees were about to give out. He’d been so tense, so scared, but what he felt now wasn’t relief, rather belated fear. He couldn’t breathe and he felt hot tears on his cheeks and he wasn’t sure if he had started crying the moment Korse left or if he’d been crying silently for a while already.

Gerard turned to him, but Ghoul couldn’t focus on their face, everything was too far away and he felt incredibly cold.

“Ghoulie,” Gerard said and then they were by his side, wrapping their arms around him; and once more Ghoul wasn’t sure if Gerard had caught him just in time or if his legs had given out the moment he felt safe in their arms.

Gerard held him tightly, somehow steering him over to the couch, although Ghoul’s legs felt too numb to be of much help.

“It’s alright, he’s gone,” Gerard whispered and pulled him down on the couch. “He’s gone now. I’ve got you, I’ve got you. He won’t harm you. I won’t let him. I promise. I promise, Ghoulie, you’re safe, baby.”

Ghoul was too tall to sit in Gerard’s lap properly, but they still managed to cradle him, rocking him back and forth like one would do with a small child. It felt nice, and Ghoul buried his face against Gerard’s shoulder. He sniffled and felt pathetic for the way he was clinging to them. But he wanted someone to keep him safe and Gerard had gone off on Korse in a way that was both scary and impressive and their arms around him felt so secure, Ghoul wanted to get lost in their protectiveness.

“It’s alright,” Gerard whispered again, stroking Ghoul’s hair that was still wet. It seemed surreal that he had taken his morning shower only such a short time ago.

Eventually he managed to lift his head.

“Ya shouldn’t have done that,” he said. He was hiccuping, but still managed to sound accusing. “T’was stupid.”

They should have stayed on Korse’s good side. He had offered them a way out, had basically asked Gerard to bend the knee to show how sorry they were, but they had refused. They had refused only to keep Ghoul safe.

“And what was I supposed to do, huh?” Gerard reached up and wiped tears from Ghoul’s cheek. “Stand by and let him rape you?”

Their voice was gentle, but Ghoul shuddered at the words anyway, trying not to think about what could have happened. He still felt weirdly detached from his own body, even though nothing had happened. He’d felt like this while they kept him in the facility - helpless and numb and very small.

“He might’ve been bluffing,” he mumbled.

“Hm.” Gerard brushed a strand of hair from Ghoul’s face. Ghoul shifted his weight. He was pretty sure that their current position was uncomfortable for Gerard, but they did not complain. “I figured as much. It’s not really his style, you know? I think there was an 85 percent chance he was bluffing.”

“85 percent?” Ghoul repeated incredulously. He had figured it was a 50/50 situation and he still would have advised Gerard to take the chance. “15 percent ain’t much. Ya should have taken the risk.”

Gerard still had their hand in his hair and gently turned Ghoul’s face to make him look at them.

“Anything other zero percent is fucking unacceptable, if the chance is that you are getting hurt, Ghoulie. Ya hear me?”

Ghoul closed his eyes, because he couldn’t stand Gerard looking at him with so much earnestness, as if he fucking mattered, as if he fucking mattered more than anything. It was amazing and it hurt to know that Gerard, who was so calculating and cunning about everything, threw every calculation out the window when it came to the people they loved.

“It was stupid,” Ghoul repeated, opening his eyes again hesitantly. He paused. “Thank you.” 

Gerard just nodded, and Ghoul let himself sink back on the couch. He pulled Gerard with him, so they were both lying on their sides, squeezed together, because the couch was too small for both of them. It made him feel guarded to sense Gerard’s body against himself though. His breath was finally coming more slowly again.

Gerard’s hand was resting on his chest as if they wanted to check on his heartbeat. Ghoul felt scared and frail and weak, because he was the one breaking down, when it was Gerard who had done all the arguing.

“Why’d ya ask that?” he asked quietly. “‘Bout how they picked me?”

Gerard sighed quietly. They were lying so close to each other that Ghoul couldn’t read their expression. They were lying as if one of them had just woken from terrors.

“You were never meant to be a toy. I was meant to get attached. The thing about Korse … he can’t hurt Mikey. It was always the threat hanging over my head, but he’s … we’re family. It’s complicated. He wouldn’t. But he can hurt you. And I didn’t … I wanted this so much, you know? He made me beg for it, made me pretend that it was only about the sex. I thought I could trick him. I felt so fucking clever, but he’s the one who played me.”

“I’m sorry,” Ghoul said quietly. He hated the thought of being the thing used to hurt Gerard.

He also realised that he would never be able to change this. It felt unreal that he’d been naive enough to believe they could be happy. He wished he could turn back time and kiss Gerard in the kitchen when it would have felt joyous instead of desperate. If he left on his own, they would both be miserable. And if he stayed, they would both be miserable, because they would use him against Gerard and there was nothing he could do to prevent it.

“He knows me so well. That’s why you’re such a stubborn fuck.” Gerard exhaled through their teeth. For the first time, it was showing that they felt shaken as well. “He knew I wouldn’t be interested in anyone unable to hold his own. He was looking for someone, who would speak his mind and not compromise on his values, because he knew that’s the kind of person I would fall for.”

The explicit mention of romantic feelings startled Ghoul a little, but it barely even registered. He mostly felt cold and like he might be sick as Gerard’s words sunk in.

They had been looking for someone like him, someone who refused to give up his friends and kept talking back. The interrogations they had put him through had been nothing but a test. All the pain he had endured under Korse’s watchful eyes and the sleepless nights in the sterile cell at the facility had meant nothing. He wasn’t a player in this game he still didn’t understand; he was nothing but a pawn. 

They hadn’t wanted to get answers from him, they had only hurt him to see if he would break. He hadn’t defeated them by not revealing anything. Instead, he had given them exactly what they wanted. He had passed their fucking test.

Chapter Text

Ghoul tried to focus on the vegetables he was chopping. Thankfully, Gerard would be home  soon. He didn’t feel comfortable staying at the apartment by himself anymore. Yesterday, he had used the paperclip to render the mechanism of the door useless, but Gerard had scolded him when they’d gotten home. It risked drawing unnecessary attention, Ghoul knew they were right about that. He had still waited for something horrible to happen and only when the day had passed without a sight of Korse had he been able to relax.

Even if Gerard was right and there would be no follow-up to their argument, Ghoul’s hopes for a quiet life had been shattered completely. No matter how their relationship developed, Bli’s threat would always loom over it, tainting every happy moment they shared.

He heard the front door opening and falling shut and smiled to himself. Although he’d been pretty distracted those past two days, his stomach still fluttered whenever he got to spend time with Gerard. If anything, the way they had threatened Korse had made them even more attractive. Gerard was capable. They were the kind of person Ghoul could entrust himself to. At heart, he’d never been a fighter. He liked feeling protected.

There was a knock on the doorframe and he turned around with a smile, only to stop short in his tracks.

“Hello, Frank.” Korse’s smile could have been friendly if it had reached his eyes.

Ghoul instinctively tried to back away, but there was only the kitchen counter digging into his back. Korse was blocking the doorway.

“Gerard’s not home yet,” he said. He managed to keep his voice surprisingly even. He knew that letting his fear show would only make him easy prey.

“I know. I came by to talk to you.”

Ghoul swallowed hard. He had dropped the knife when turning around, but it was still on the kitchen counter within reach. He would fight. Korse had left the Dracs outside. One on one, he stood a chance.

“I would advise you to stay calm,” Korse warned and parted his coat, his pale white fingers moving to his holster to draw his Raygun.

Ghoul froze.

Korse was holding the Raygun loosely, almost dismissively, not aiming it at Ghoul but making it clear that he could.

“I’m just here to ask a few questions. I think it’s time we get to know each other properly. You surprised me.”

“Gerard surprised ya,” Ghoul bit back. If he had realised one thing, it was that Korse did not care about him. He didn’t care about what Ghoul knew or what his killjoy friends were up to in the desert. None of them mattered, not in the way that Gerard mattered.

“Your relationship surprised me,” Korse corrected. “He’s not usually that easily provoked, even when he cares.”

“‘N what makes ya think I’d tell ya anything?” Ghoul asked and crossed the arms in front of his chest to make sure his hands wouldn’t start trembling. He wasn’t just scared though, he felt a familiar anger rising inside him. He couldn’t believe Korse’s audacity to show up here and act like nothing had happened.

“Well, how about we play a game?” Korse suggested. “The rules are simple. We take turns asking questions and …”

“I know the fucking rules,” Ghoul interrupted him. He wondered if he should suggest sitting down, but he actually preferred to remain standing with the kitchen knife within reach. “‘N since ya challenged me, I think I gotta start.”

Korse raised his dark eyebrows by a fraction. He was obviously surprised, but there was something else on his face too, that Ghoul couldn’t read at all.

“He taught you,” he observed.

“He likes to play.” Ghoul shrugged.

Korse frowned. “I doubt you’re much of an opponent for him.”

“We ain’t playing to win,” Ghoul said, his voice sharp. Somehow, what upset him the most were all the assumptions Korse seemed to have about Gerard. They weren’t what he had made them.

Once again, he wasn’t quite able to read Korse’s expression, but he did seem irritated. He was still holding his Raygun absent-mindedly, pointing it at the refrigerator rather than at Ghoul.

“Are ya gonna hurt me?” Ghoul knew that it wasn’t the best question to start with, but it was all he could think about. Korse had arrived just a little before Gerard would get home, which meant he probably intended for Gerard to find him broken and hurting, before he got the chance to pull himself together again.

Korse gave a dismissive wave with his Raygun. “I haven’t decided yet.”

Ghoul swallowed.

“So.” Korse drew out the word, watching Ghoul tense as he tried to brace himself for the question. “What’s your price?”

Ghoul frowned. “For selling him out? Ain’t no price for that. Ya got nothing I want enough to harm him.”

They had none of his friends and even if they did, he didn’t think he would be able to trade one for the other.

“Nothing?” Korse made sure. “We could let you go. Provide enough resources to last you a year. Immunity for you and your curly haired friend.”

Ghoul tried to keep his breathing even. Korse must have seen footage of the day they had caught him. He didn’t know Jet.

“‘S my turn,” he snarled.

He tried to come up with a good question, something that would be useful to know.

“What Gerard said … ya scared of him going to the Director? ‘S that why ya left with your tail ‘tween your legs the other day?”

“Not scared.” Korse’s smirk looked thin. “It is a matter of concern though.”

Ghoul assumed that meant Gerard’s threats held at least some weight then.

“And your price … not for selling him out, but …” Korse paused as if he needed to choose his words carefully. “... but for influencing him? Making him a little calmer?”

Ghoul wanted to tell him that there was no price for that either, that he wouldn’t betray the cause and that he would never tell Gerard what to fight for. But he figured that he was supposed to answer truthfully.

“I’d tell him to leave shit alone if I thought he was in danger. But ya ain’t gonna hurt him, that’s what ya need me for, so I don’t think that’s gonna happen. I’d only go against him to keep him safe. My price for Gerard’s Gerard.”

“Huh.” Korse let out a little chuckle. “You’re full of surprises, Fun Ghoul.”

Ghoul wasn’t sure if he used his real name to throw him off, or if it was Korse’s way of showing respect.

“Ya picked me for my loyalty. Now I’m loyal. Big fucking surprise. Were ya shocked to see the sun rising this morning, too?”

Korse pressed his lips together tightly. He obviously tried to keep his expression indifferent, but he was far worse at hiding his annoyance than Gerard.

“No, Frank, I was in fact not shocked about that.”

Apparently, they were back to birthnames. Ghoul also realised that he had wasted a question, but he didn’t regret it.

“How did he do it? Earn your trust?”

Ghoul shrugged. He was beginning to understand what this was really about. Korse had picked him specifically to be a tool he could use to bend Gerard to his will. He’d thought he had it all figured out, but although his plan had turned out to be effective, he didn’t understand their relationship. It was the fact that he didn’t understand it that seemed to bother him the most.

“Ya know what he’s like. ‘S honestly surprising ya didn’t calculate for this. He’s charming.” Ghoul licked his lips, knowing that he was going to take a risk with the following sentence. “Ya care for him too, though it would be easier if ya didn’t. Should know what that’s like.”

Korse looked him over again with that curious expression, as if he hadn’t expected Ghoul to be this insightful. He didn’t argue.

Ghoul wrecked his brain to come up with a good question. He wished Gerard was here right now. They would know how to get useful information. Ghoul didn’t want to let them down, but he wasn’t as cunning as Gerard.

“Why are ya so desperate to control him anyway? What’s the worst that he could do?”

Korse raised his eyebrows, looking amused by Ghoul’s clumsy attempt at being smart.

“You know I can’t tell you this. There’s no point in giving you ideas. Next.”

Ghoul gritted his teeth. He should have seen this coming, but he hadn’t, and he didn’t have a backup question in store. So his only option was to ask the first thing that came to mind.

“Don’t ya feel bad ‘bout what ya doing to him at all?”

He meant the blackmailing, but also the way they had starved Gerard emotionally, the boxes Bli tried to squeeze them into that were all too small.

“Sometimes. But he’s bright. He would have withered away in this system otherwise if I hadn’t given him the opportunity to flourish.”

Maybe Korse was right about that. It was hard to picture Gerard as one of Bli’s mindless working drones. A part of them seemed to thrive on the mental games and on having to fight for something. It didn’t change the fact that the whole system was fucked up to begin with though.

“What is he like? As a lover?”

The question caught Ghoul off guard. He had known that Korse was curious, but he hadn’t thought he would ever admit to it openly.

He snorted to buy himself time. “Like on a scale from one to ten? Probably a solid seven, I dunno.”

Korse knitted his brow and Ghoul knew that he wasn’t going to get away with that answer. Korse pointed the Raygun at him a little more directly, even though the gesture still looked casual.

Ghoul tried to think about it. He and Gerard weren’t technically lovers, but they were close enough that he did have a pretty good idea of what Gerard’s intimacy felt like.

“Difficult,” he said. He thought of their arguments and how hard it was for Gerard to share. “Tender.” He thought about the way they held him at night and how they rocked him back to sleep when he woke up screaming. “Full of surprises.” He thought of Gerard’s lipgloss and the way they burst into laughter quite suddenly at times and the tenderness in their eyes when he least expected it.

He cleared his throat, feeling like he had given away too much - not with his words, but with the tone of his voice.

“Why ya doing this? He’s got Mikey, but ya ain’t got anyone else to protect. Ya scared for your own life? Ya a coward? ‘S that all?”

He saw a brief flash of anger crossing Korse’s face, his eyes dark and stern, only to be replaced by amusement to finally settle on honest irritation.

“You play a very emotional game,” he observed.

Ghoul snorted, suddenly realising he might have the upper hand simply because he didn’t care as much.

“I told ya I ain’t playing to win.”

Korse seemed to read the emotions straight off his face, because his lips set in a thin line betraying annoyance.

“How is he in bed?” he asked. He hadn’t answered the question, but his reaction was telling enough.

His tone sounded almost aggressive, his usual calm rattled by Ghoul’s obvious refusal to play the game the way he saw fit. The question was clearly meant to catch him off guard by being inappropriate, and all Ghoul did was stare at Korse for a moment.

The thing that really surprised him was that Korse genuinely seemed to believe they were having sex. Ghoul searched his face, trying to figure out if this was a trap, but Korse looked challenging and hungry again, curious in a way he might not even owe up to himself.

A part of Ghoul wanted to laugh in his face. He wanted to make fun of him for being so fucking stupid, for getting Gerard so entirely wrong. Of course he didn’t understand their relationship. He didn’t understand Gerard.

Another part of him wanted to lie. He wanted to tell Korse how clumsy and passionate and eager Gerard was, how loud they could get and how desperate, and how they stopped withholding anything once they came undone. He just knew they would be like that, and he wanted Korse to know it too. He wanted him to feel hot and jealous over something that would never be his.

“Wouldn’t ya like to know?” Ghoul said instead. He wasn’t sure what the best approach would be. He probably shouldn’t give away that they weren’t sleeping with each other, but he was a bad liar. “Tell ya what, Imma answer your question if ya answer mine. When did ya first wanna fuck him? When ya met him as a child? Or later, after ya raised him like a son?”

Korse fired his Raygun without warning.

The pain was sharp and sudden and Ghoul’s leg gave out immediately. He collapsed on the cold kitchen floor, crying out in surprise and pain. It smelled of metal and grilled meat.

He was scared to look down, but knew he had to assess the damage and that he wasn’t allowed to pass out. At first he wasn’t quite sure where he’d been hit, his entire leg was throbbing with pain, spreading out through his body. Black dots started to dance through his field of vision, but he forced himself to keep his eyes open and glance down.

The white fabric of his pants was already soaked in blood. The shot had hit him above the knee, he couldn’t tell if it had gone all the way through. He would have to remove the fabric to get a better look later, but right now he had to stanch the flow of blood as soon as possible.

He started to undo the buttons of his shirt, but his hands kept trembling and felt numb, making it hard for him to coordinate his movements. He was crying through gritted teeth, but managed to stay nearly silent.

Korse took a step forward and crouched down in front of Ghoul.

Ghoul’s heartbeat quickened. For a moment, he had forgotten that bleeding out on the floor wasn’t the only danger he was currently in.

Korse had put his Raygun back into its holster, but even if Ghoul somehow managed to pull himself up on the kitchen counter, he wouldn’t be able to run.

Korse stared at him, now on eye-level. Ghoul tried to drag his body backwards, even if he was only cornering himself that way. His crying was disrupted by hiccups.

Korse reached out as if to touch his face and Ghoul whimpered, turning his head away.

“Please,” he whispered. The word came out broken between silent sobs. His leg still hurt, although his whole body was starting to turn numb. He felt so cold. It would be easy for Korse to overpower him. “Please don’t.”

He was usually too proud to beg, but he couldn’t bear the thought of Gerard coming home to find him on the kitchen floor, bleeding and violated.

“Don’t touch me.” He was interrupted by another hiccup. It was hard to focus on Korse’s face, but he had the nerve to look almost amused again.

He dropped his hand, lingering just out of reach.

“Don’t worry, Frank,” he said, weirdly soothingly. “I’m not going to do that. And I’m not going to let you die either. Those are the two things he would never forgive me for.”

The tears felt burning hot on Ghoul’s cold cheeks. He felt so angry. He felt angry for being hurt and bleeding and scared and it wasn’t even about him - it was all about Gerard again.

“Fuck you,” he spat out.

“Language, Frank,” Korse said lightly. He pulled a mobile radio from the pocket of his coat. “I’m going to call a doctor now, someone who will look after you. Try to stay awake in the meantime. The wound isn’t lethal, but you shouldn’t move too much, just in case.”

He got up again, but Ghoul couldn’t bring himself to even raise his head to look at him. Instead, he stared at Korse’s legs.

“I’d ask you to pass something on to Gerard, but I think he’ll hear the message loud and clear.”

Ghoul growled at the back of his throat, but he wasn’t sure if Korse even heard him, because he already turned around and started talking into his radio. His voice kept getting quieter as he walked away and Ghoul couldn’t focus on the words.

He just wanted to rest, but he knew that there was something he had to do first, and he would need all of his energy for it.

He leaned forward and winced as he shifted his weight. The left leg of his pants was completely drenched by now, a puddle of blood was forming on the kitchen tiles beneath him. He managed to strip off his button-down, leaving him in his undershirt. He was freezing.

He lifted his injured leg, allowing himself to cry out in pain since no one was around to hear him anymore anyway. He pushed his shirt under his leg, fumbling to get it around his thigh. It would be more efficient if he had a thinner stripe, but he didn’t have the energy to tear apart the fabric.

So he just used his shirt to tie a knot, pulling tight and crying out in pain again as he did. He had to slow down the blood flow. He hoped that Korse hadn’t lied about calling a doctor. He wasn’t sure if Gerard would be home in time. Sometimes they worked late.

He felt exhausted and sweaty when he was finally done, letting himself fall back against the kitchen cabinets. He felt so tired, he just wanted to close his eyes. The pain was too much for his body to process, he didn’t even have the energy left to cry.

For a while he drifted in and out of consciousness and he had no idea how much time had passed when a stinging pain on his cheek forced him to focus on his surroundings again.

“Mr.Iero, are you with me?” someone asked and Ghoul blinked at a stranger, kneeling on the bloody kitchen floor besides him. 

Ghoul had difficulties making out the details of his features and he couldn’t focus on the shoulder patch on his white Bli uniform either that would have given away his profession. He had no idea if the Dracs had let him in or if Korse had left the door open.

“Ya a doctor?” he slurred.

“Yes, Mr.Iero, I’m your doctor and I need you to open your mouth for me.”

Ghoul turned his head away instinctively. He didn’t want to be drugged up like everyone else in Bat City.

“It’s for the pain,” the doctor said. His tone was neutral and calm, almost like he wouldn’t care if Ghoul refused his treatment. He was probably hooked on the pills as well.

But Ghoul really was in pain and they took some of Bli’s meds out in the Zones, too, if they were lucky enough to get their hands on them. At least their drugs were effective.

Hesitantly he parted his lips, allowing the doctor to place a small, almost see-through disc on his tongue with gloved fingers.

“Let it melt in your mouth.”

Ghoul followed the instructions. He’d taken these kinds of painkillers before, though they were usually past their expiry date and he was astonished by how fast the relief kicked in.

His limbs were still tingling numbly, but the acute pain subsided almost instantly.

He rested his head against the kitchen cabinet, watching as the doctor reached for a pair of steel scissors to cut open Ghoul’s pants.

The gory sight of the hole in his leg oozing dark blood turned his stomach and he looked up at the white ceiling quickly.

He’d been injured before, he’d even gotten shot before, but it was usually Jet who patched him up, his voice and his hands familiar and soothing. He started crying again, his tears still too hot on his cheeks. He missed Jet. He wanted Jet to stitch up the wound, not some stranger, whom he couldn’t trust. If something went wrong, he didn’t want to die alone.

“Ghoul?”

Ghoul’s breath hitched at the familiar voice. He heard Gerard’s footsteps and looked up just as they rounded the corner.

He saw them freezing, their eyes not going wide in shock, but instead their expression went completely blank, as if they were forcing themself to not let any emotion show before they had taken in the situation completely.

They turned pale though and Ghoul wanted to reach out and keep them stable, because for a second they looked ready to pass out.

Then they gathered themself, not wasting another second to rush to Ghoul’s side, dropping onto their knees on the bloody tiles.

“What happened? What are you doing to him?”

Their voice was sharp and controlled, but they were looking only at Ghoul, not at the man currently stitching up his leg. The lines around their eyes were soft, they looked worried and attentive, but Ghoul caught their lower lip quivering.

“He’s been shot,” the doctor said unfazed.

“Korse,” Ghoul added, his voice thin.

Gerard nodded. They had probably figured that much already.

“Anything else?” they asked quietly, the question mostly directed at Ghoul. They didn’t reach out to touch him as if they were scared to accidentally hurt him, but their eyes ran from his face to his neck, down his chest until they reached the bloody mess on the floor as if to check for further injuries.

Ghoul managed to shake his head.

“Shot me in the leg ‘n left. T’was a warning.”

He expected Gerard to get angry, but instead their lower lip did start trembling and their voice turned incredibly soft.

“Does it hurt badly, baby?”

In spite of everything, Ghoul felt his face flushing hot. They shouldn’t act this affectionately with him in front of the doctor, even though they technically had the permission to live together. But right now, Gerard didn’t seem to give a fuck about anyone but Ghoul.

He shook his head. It wasn’t even a lie. The painkiller was so strong that it made him feel like floating outside of his hurt body.

“I’m so sorry I wasn’t here,” Gerard whispered and finally reached out to brush Ghoul’s hair from his face, gently touching his neck. Ghoul leaned into it immediately, the feeling of Gerard’s warm palm familiar and comforting.

“‘S my own fault,” he mumbled. “Should’ve kept my head down, but I didn’t. Had to provoke him.”

Gerard chuckled, but it was mixed with a sniffle. “Of course you did. Of course.”

They were smiling at Ghoul now, full of affection, as if not being able to keep his mouth shut and getting shot was exactly what made them so fond of him. Their eyes were starting to fill with tears though.

“I should have been here. I should have kept you safe. I’m so sorry you got hurt.”

They hung their head, continuing to mumble.

“I’m not leaving you again. Gonna be more careful from now on. Imma keep you safe. I should have kept you safe.”

“Hey,” Ghoul said gently. He was grateful that Gerard kept him distracted from the stitches.

Gerard looked up instantly. Tears were visibly pooling in their eyes, threatening to spill over. Their face had turned blotchy red. They were an ugly crier, Ghoul could tell that their face would look swollen and messy soon, even if they kept perfectly quiet. It made him realise that he had never seen Gerard cry in broad daylight before.

“Don’t cry,” Ghoul said and reached up, wiping tears from Gerard’s eye with his thumb. He left a bright red smear across their cheek. He hadn’t been aware that his hands were still covered in blood from tying up his leg earlier. “Imma be alright, yeah? Promise.”

“I hate to see you hurt,” Gerard mumbled. “I was supposed to protect you.”

Ghoul wanted to protest, but Gerard already whipped their head around, their gaze suddenly sharp and focused, although they still had tears running down their cheeks, leaving behind clear trails on their blood stained skin.

“Why wasn’t he taken to the hospital?” they barked out. “He should be in a hospital right now.”

“I got clear instructions to not remove him from the apartment. I brought everything I need.”

Gerard let out a low hiss. They had reached out to hold Ghoul’s hand, but were only looking at the doctor right now.

“This is hardly a sterile environment.”

The doctor didn’t look up. Ghoul didn’t dare to examine the wound. Since he had been shot with a laser beam, they hadn’t needed to extract a bullet at least and the heat tended to sterilise the wound, so the risk of getting an infection was relatively low. 

He gave Gerard’s hand a light squeeze to let them know they were supposed to calm down.

“Our meds are good. He should be fine.”

Gerard didn’t say anything, they just glared.

A brief, stinging pain broke through the painkiller induced haze and Ghoul finally looked down.

The wound had been cleaned and stitched with black threads. He remembered having to walk around with stitches like that on his face for weeks. Jet had done a pretty good job back then, but he had hated the feeling of being held together only by a thread.

The doctor was spreading some kind of antiseptic ointment on his leg, which must have caused the pain to flare up. Then he placed gauze over it, making Ghoul lift his leg, so he could wrap the bandage around his thigh.

Ghoul hissed as he was forced to move his leg and Gerard echoed the sound almost immediately, as if just watching Ghoul was causing them physical pain as well.

Once the doctor was done, he turned to his first aid kit, handing out several pre-packaged strips of gauze to Gerard, who let go of Ghoul’s hand to take them.

“You should replace the bandage every other day, or when you see that the blood is soaking through. The wound needs to be kept dry. If you think it might be infected, call a doctor. He has lost blood, so make sure he eats meat and gets proper rest.”

Gerard nodded. “What about painkillers?”

The doctor hesitated. “I’m sorry, I have received clear instructions. I cannot give out any painkillers to the patient.”

Ghoul felt his heart sinking, but he gritted his teeth. Of course Korse wanted him to suffer. He’d be in pain for weeks and Gerard would have to watch. It was the ultimate punishment.

“You can’t just not give him painkillers. He’s been shot.” Gerard chuckled nervously, as if they wanted to give all of them the chance to play it off as an awkward misunderstanding.

“Gerard,” Ghoul said softly, reaching for their hand again, but Gerard ignored him.

The doctor closed his medical kit. “It’s not my personal decision.” He got up.

Gerard stood as well, placing the gauze packages on the kitchen counter and running their hand through their hair, leaving bloody fingerprints on their forehead and red streaks in their blonde hair.

“Listen, I get that it has to be like that officially. But I’m sure we could work out a creative solution. What would it take for you to give me a prescription? I have people on my team that can get you almost everything. Booze, cigarettes, droids? An autograph for your daughter? Just between us of course.”

Gerard was trying to maintain their casual, charming tone, but their voice sounded flat. Ghoul could hear the desperation underneath their words and that was something he wasn’t used to. Gerard wasn’t angry, they were shaken, and they had a hard time covering it up.

“There’s really nothing I can do,” the doctor said. “I have no recipes or painkillers on me. I was told not to bring any.”

Ghoul frowned, but he admired Korse’s foresight. He had taken into account that Gerard would be able to talk anyone into anything.

“Do you know who I am?” Gerard asked sharply. From one second to the next, their voice had turned threatening.

“Gee,” Ghoul warned.

“I know who you are,” the doctor said and grabbed his kit. “But I also know who Korse is.”

Gerard crossed the room with two large steps, too fast for Ghoul to process the motion at first. He only realised what was happening when the medical kit hit the floor and the doctor yelped. He clearly hadn’t seen the attack coming either.

Gerard slammed him into the wall, not stopping once they had him pinned, but going for the head, punching it back into the wall three times in quick succession, hard enough to leave a crack on the white surface.

Once the poor man was dizzy with head trauma, Gerard spun him around, twisting his arm onto his back while shoving him against the wall in a way that made him cry out in pain.

Ghoul watched in shock. Gerard moved like a Scarecrow. The doctor moved like he’d never been in a fight before.

“Let’s try this again,” Gerard hissed.

“Gerard, let him go,” Ghoul yelled. He tried to pull himself up, but his leg started hurting whenever he put any weight on it. He felt helpless, not being able to calm Gerard down, not being able to stop them.

“You think Korse is scarier than me, and you might be right,” Gerard carried on, ignoring Ghoul completely. It reminded Ghoul of the day they’d broken the plate right here in the kitchen, of catching a glance of something hot and angry, that could barely be restrained.

“But you know what the main difference between me and Korse is?” Ghoul saw Gerard twisting the man’s arm further. They didn’t sound like they were enjoying this, but they did sound determined. “Korse is in his office right now. And I’m.” They kept twisting further. “Right.” Ghoul knew what would happen. “Here.”

He heard the snapping sound of his arm being dislocated before the man started screaming. Gerard held him in place.

Ghoul felt tears welling up in his eyes, simply because he felt so helpless. He didn’t want Gerard to be like this, not even for him, not even if it was necessary to survive.

“So. Painkillers? How do I get them?”

The man just whimpered.

“I can keep hurting you until your body gives out,” Gerard said. Ghoul hoped that this was heads and not tails, he prayed to the Witch that it was. “You think they will care? That there will be any consequences for me? They’ll just send someone else next time.”

“He doesn’t have any, Gee, leave him alone!” Ghoul insisted.

“There are a few in my kit, I’ll give them to you, but that’s all I’ve got. I swear. I swear.”

The man’s voice sounded pressed, hoarse with pain, but he was barely panicking. The pills seemed to prevent even that.

Gerard held him in place for another moment, before they finally stepped back, allowing the doctor to slump down against the wall.

Gerard picked up the kit and placed it on the kitchen counter. “Here,” they said.

They kept their distance to the doctor, giving him space. He stumbled towards the counter, holding his right arm in front of his body, limp and awkward. He needed two tries to put his code into the lock with his left hand to open the kit.

Gerard stood by in silence and waited for him to get out the painkillers. Ghoul pressed his lips together tightly. He wasn’t sure if he was supposed to feel upset or relieved.

The doctor handed them a pack of the see-through discs Ghoul had taken earlier. Gerard scanned them briefly.

“Four? That’s all?” they made sure.

Ghoul gritted his teeth. He had hoped for more. The painkillers only lasted for a few hours each and he would be in pain for weeks.

“It’s all I’ve got.”

Gerard paused, but then seemingly decided that he was telling the truth. “I’ll see you out,” they said.

The doctor hurried to grab his stuff and hastily made his way out of the kitchen as if he feared that Gerard might snap again.

Ghoul remained sitting on the floor. The blood on the tiles was starting to dry, but it was still slippery and he’d rather wait for Gerard to come back and help him to his feet. He rested his head against the kitchen cabinets again. He felt sweaty and exhausted although he’d barely done anything except for getting shot. He assumed that was enough. His ass was starting to grow numb from sitting on the cold tiles.

After a moment he heard the front door falling shut and then Gerard’s steps. They were walking slowly, almost as if hesitant to face Ghoul again.

“I ain’t pissed,” Ghoul called out. “But I’d really like to get up from this fucking floor.”

Gerard rounded the corner, giving him a shy, lopsided grin. “Can I assist you with anything, Ghoulie?”

Ghoul rolled his eyes. “Yeah, don’t rub it in, motherfucker.” He extended his arm.

Gerard came closer, crouching down by his side. The blood on their cheek had dried, the bright stain a stark contrast to their pale skin and blonde hair. They had bloodstains on their white shirt and their white pants as well. Their face still looked puffy, but their eyes were very clear and focused on Ghoul’s face.

“Sorry you had to see that,” they said seriously. “It wasn’t nice.”

Ghoul shook his head. “I ain’t a child.”

He felt like it wasn’t really the violence Gerard was apologising for anyway, that was something Ghoul was familiar with from his life in the Zones. But they had lost their temper, although they could have talked the guy into sharing his meds peacefully if they’d been their usual, collected self. But they had snapped and chosen the fastest way to get things done. They were apologising for losing control.

“I should have been there,” they repeated and moved in to let Ghoul put his arm around their shoulders, so they would be able to hoist him up.

“Wouldn’t have changed anything,” Ghoul said. For a moment, he didn’t make an attempt to move, he just held Gerard close in an awkward half-embrace.

“I will fix this,” they said firmly.

And maybe Ghoul was getting better at seeing through their lies, but he could hear the helpless edge beneath their words, as if Gerard was trying to reassure themself as much as Ghoul. Truth was, there was nothing they could do.

Chapter Text

Ghoul clenched the rim of the bathtub. His knuckles turned white and he wanted to cry, but at the same time, he felt too exhausted and hollowed out to shed any more tears. It wasn’t just his leg that hurt, his entire body felt sore from fighting the pain constantly.

“There you go,” Gerard said and pinned the bandage in place. It was the second time they’d changed it for him, but the last time had been a lot more bearable, since Ghoul had still been high on painkillers.

He’d run out yesterday morning. Gerard had tried to restock through some shady contact at work, but the only pills they’d been able to get had proved to be pretty much useless; suited for a headache rather than for a gun wound.

“Thanks,” Ghoul pressed out between gritted teeth, staring down at the white bandage wrapped around his thigh. He was just in a loose pair of boxers and a shirt, since putting on pants was too much of a bother. He felt too hot anyway. His entire body felt feverish, the shirt was sticking to his back with sweat. He hadn’t cleaned himself properly since Gerard had helped him wash off the blood right after the incident.

It was humiliating that Ghoul had to ask for their help all the time. They had organised a crutch, so at least he was able to go and take a piss by himself while Gerard was at work, but aside from that he spent most of his days lying around.

“I wanna take a bath,” he mumbled. He sounded whiny and felt guilty for taking his bad mood out on Gerard, but he had hardly slept at night. The pain didn’t allow him to settle down and at this point he felt so tired and exhausted that he could barely think straight. He just wanted to feel clean again and get some rest.

“You know you have to keep your leg dry, love,” Gerard said. They were infuriatingly patient with him.

“I feel gross,” he insisted.

“Hold on.” Gerard got up to fix him a washcloth. They drenched it in soap and water, testing the temperature several times to make sure the water was pleasantly warm. Ghoul figured that it was better than nothing, but just the prospect of having to clean himself made him feel tired again. He just wanted to sit in a tub full of water and soak.

“Thanks,” he mumbled anyway as Gerard handed him the wet washcloth and a towel. He hesitated. “Would ya …?”

“Sure.” Gerard turned away immediately, facing the door as if to make it absolutely clear they weren’t going to catch a glance at Ghoul in the mirror either. It felt silly to ask them to turn around.

They had never seen Ghoul naked, but they knew what his body felt like, had held it in their arms at night countless times already. At this point, they were so intimate with each other that nudity shouldn’t matter anymore, but Ghoul still felt too embarrassed to let Gerard watch him clean. It was such a mundane activity, leaving no room for illusion or flattering angles.

Ghoul stripped off his moist shirt, immediately feeling cold as the sweat on his skin started to dry. He groaned at the movement, even though he wasn’t putting any weight on his leg. The pain was constant and throbbing and even the slightest effort felt like too much already.

He started cleaning his chest. The washcloth was warm and smelled of soap and he liked feeling less sticky. He moved on to his arms, scrubbing his armpits while throwing a quick glance at Gerard to make sure they weren’t peeking. But they kept their back on Ghoul. Their shoulders looked tense, probably listening attentively for the smallest indication that Ghoul might need their help. Ghoul wished they wouldn’t feel so fucking sorry for him. It was annoying and made it impossible to be mad at them, and Ghoul would very much have liked to be mad at someone. They’d been home early from work every day since it had happened.

He towelled himself off with small dabs. He could still smell himself. It wasn’t just the smell of sweat, it was the smell of sickness, too, metallic and toxic, like his body had turned into a wasteland no longer meant to host human life. He wished he could climb out of his body and leave the pain behind for a few hours. He wished he could sleep.

He tried to wipe his back, but couldn’t reach it without moving too much. But he didn’t want to put a fresh shirt on his sweaty back either, he wanted to feel clean at least for a few minutes before he broke into another feverish sweat.

He hesitated.

“Gee?”

“Yes, love?” Gerard’s reply was immediate and breathless, but they didn’t turn around.

“Could ya …” Ghoul hesitated and raised the towel in front of his chest, covering himself awkwardly. “Could ya wash my back? Please?”

“Of fucking course, Ghoulie.” Gerard spun around, scanning him from head to toe. 

Ghoul clenched the towel in front of his body a little tighter. Gerard still looked worried, and even worse, pitying. Ghoul was very aware of how pathetic he had to look, sitting on the edge of the bathtub, slumped and tired and exhausted, unable to even clean himself.

Gerard came over and took the washcloth from Ghoul, rinsing it in the sink and putting on fresh soap. Ghoul wondered if it smelled of sweat and grime and if Gerard felt disgusted by it. If so, they didn’t let it show, they just returned to Ghoul and after a moment of hesitation, they climbed into the bathtub behind him, so he wouldn’t have to move.

Ghoul snorted. “Careful, if ya break a leg, we’re fucked.”

Gerard chuckled and gently pushed Ghoul’s hair out of the way. It was currently tied into a messy bun, so it wouldn’t fall down his back and stick to his neck in sweaty strands. Even out in the desert, he rarely tied up his hair.

“I’m careful”, Gerard assured him quietly and began washing his back, starting at the shoulders. The washcloth was dripping wet and a few drops of water trailed down Ghoul’s spine. The water was warm and the sensation not unpleasant. He suppressed a shudder.

Gerard moved to his shoulder blades. Ghoul was very aware that they were getting a good look at the tattoos on his skin right now. His face heated up when he thought about Gerard looking at the guns on his lower back. They were still holding his hair aside, their fingers brushing against his neck.

It was sensual, but Ghoul could barely concentrate on the touch. He was in pain and even just the soft washcloth on his skin felt like too much.

A few stray tears were running down his cheeks again. He felt so overwhelmed, he just needed a break from everything.

“You okay?” Gerard asked quietly, pausing their motions briefly. “Do you need me to stop?”

Ghoul sniffled, still holding on to the towel in front of his chest tightly.

“Just hate for ya to see me like this,” he mumbled.

“Hey,” Gerard said softly, moving the washcloth down his back again. “I’m not a creep. I’m barely even looking.”

“Yeah.” Ghoul licked his lips. His mouth felt dry. He was always thirsty at the moment. “‘S not that I’m naked. Don’t want ya looking at me like you’re my ma or my nurse.”

He would have liked to present himself the way he wanted to be seen for the first time instead.

“Mh.” Gerard hummed quietly, moving down to Ghoul’s lower back. Ghoul shuddered as they moved the washcloth right past the waistband of his boxers. “So ya want me to look. Then how ‘bout this?”

They leaned in, bringing their face close to Ghoul’s ear.

“If I’d known it would only take a gun wound to get you out of your shirt, I would have shot you myself, handsome,” they whispered, their voice hoarse, both flirty and mocking.

In spite of himself, Ghoul snorted with laughter and reached out to slap Gerard’s forehead, but they dodged him and his fingers brushed through their hair, turning it into an awkward caress. He was grateful for their attempt to cheer him up. It was definitely better than their pity.

“Shut up,” he muttered.

“Towel.” Gerard extended their hand.

Ghoul sighed and handed them the towel. He no longer felt as desperate to cover himself, now that they had talked about it.

He kept his hands in his lap awkwardly while Gerard dried his back.

“What about your legs, sweetheart?”

Ghoul hesitated. Gerard was laying it on thick with the pet names, even more so than usual.

“‘S fine.” Even the back of his knees felt sticky, but bending forward was exhausting and he didn’t want to ask this of Gerard.

“I really don’t mind.” Gerard sounded warm and Ghoul had to admit that they didn’t seem bothered by taking care of him. It was strange, because Gerard could be cold and calculating, but they had a tender side to them, too, and they weren’t trying to hide it.

They climbed out of the bathtub and got down onto the floor. The towel was draped over their left shoulder.

“Okay?” they asked and looked up, waiting for Ghoul to nod and extend his leg before they touched him.

They took a firm hold of Ghoul’s calf, starting with his uninjured leg. The washcloth had cooled down significantly already and felt cold on his skin as Gerard worked their way from his ankle to his knee.

Ghoul watched them kneeling on the floor. Their hair was still slicked back from their day at work, allowing him to study their face freely while they kept their eyes cast down. They were very focused on the task at hand, untypically quiet while they worked. They’d been quiet for days now and Ghoul wasn’t sure if it was because they felt guilty or because he had snapped at them almost every time since they’d run out of painkillers.

Gerard moved up his thigh and Ghoul spread his legs, feeling awkward with Gerard kneeling between them.

He stared at their hands, large yet delicate, their fingertips soft, their skin pale and unscarred, their nails short and clean. Ghoul had never seen hands like that in the desert.

The washcloth slid over the inside of his thigh, going up further until Gerard’s knuckles brushed against the hemline of his boxers. His dick gave the most pathetic little twitch, like it felt obligated to put in the effort but couldn’t really get into it.

Gerard looked up.

Ghoul swallowed.

He remembered how green Gerard’s eyes had looked framed by red eyeshadow, but here in the bathroom the light wasn’t amazing and their eyes looked dark, more brown than hazel. They were gazing up at him through long lashes.

“If there is anything else I can do to make you feel better …” They licked their lips. “Anything at all …”

Ghoul stared at their lips that were pink and glossy with spit. It was strange to hear Gerard so timid, a slight edge in their voice betraying their nerves. Ghoul wasn’t sure if they were nervous about being rejected or about going through with it. 

It didn’t matter anyway, because even with Gerard on their knees right in front of him, all he could focus on was the pain and he was pretty sure that not even their mouth on his cock would be able to change that; he’d only feel more miserable because it wasn’t actually working.

“I just wanna sleep,” he said and Gerard glanced down quickly, almost as if caught.

“Sorry, I didn’t mean to …” Gerard trailed off, which was uncharacteristic for them. They moved on to Ghoul’s other leg, starting to clean his calf.

“Wish t’was different,” Ghoul muttered, hoping that Gerard understood.

They looked up briefly, flashing him a lopsided grin that he hadn’t expected. “Can’t fucking win, can we?”

Ghoul shook his head, but Gerard was already focusing back on his leg. They dabbed the skin on his thigh only lightly, making sure not to get too close to the bandage or to apply too much pressure.

“I enjoy this, though,” they said quietly. “Getting to look at you?” It sounded like a question and they glanced up again. “It feels like you claimed your body, like it’s really yours.”

They paused to trail a scar on Ghoul’s knee with their fingertip, then dipped downwards to outline the skull of a skeleton tattooed on his shin.

Ghoul stared at their neck, their pale skin smooth like plastic.

“It feels like I’m getting to know you even better.”

Ghoul imagined lying next to Gerard naked, letting them trail every tattoo, every scar with their fingertips, lazy and tender. He wanted to invite them to do it now, but he felt feverish, too much at war with his own body to share it with anyone at the moment.

“It will probably leave a scar,” he said instead.

Gerard took the towel to dry off his legs, still incredibly careful.

“I don’t know, they work miracles here. I cut myself while shaving once and you’d never be able to tell.”

Gerard reached up, trailing their finger across their jaw as if to check for an invisible mark.

“Bet they were giving you fucking meds though.” Ghoul couldn’t help sounding bitter and he regretted his tone as soon as he saw Gerard’s frown. He hadn’t meant to make them feel guilty, their pity was difficult enough to handle already. They seemed to sidestep confrontations more than usual.

“Yeah, sorry about that. I really hoped the stuff I got at work would help.”

Ghoul shook his head. “Not your fault, now shut up ‘bout it.” A part of him actually blamed Gerard. Korse wouldn’t have been as angry if they hadn’t gone behind everyone’s back. But Ghoul should have kept his fucking mouth shut, too.

Gerard looked up. Ghoul kept his hands in his lap, allowing Gerard a moment to trail their eyes all over his torso.

“Could ya give me a minute?” he asked and extended his hand. 

Gerard stared at it blankly.

Ghoul cleared his throat. “I wanna clean my junk,” he explained. In spite of his terrible mood, he felt amused when he caught Gerard’s cheeks turning a light shade of pink. They handed over the washcloth quickly.

“Maybe ya could get me a fresh shirt?” Ghoul suggested as Gerard scrambled to their feet.

They nodded hectically. “Yeah, sure. Uhm.” They paused before they reached the door. “Call me if ya need a hand with your junk.”

“Fuck off!” Ghoul was grinning though. He missed Gerard’s obnoxious flirting when they held back.

Once they were out the door, he reached into his boxers to wipe his sweaty balls at least. Just balancing on the edge of the bathtub while giving himself a catlick was already exhausting and he felt the sweat pearling on his forehead by the time he was done.

He didn’t dry himself off, just pulled his boxers back into place. He still smelled sick, but it was less obtrusive underneath the scent of soap now.

There was a knock on the open door. Ghoul looked up to find Gerard in the doorway, dramatically covering their eyes with one hand.

“I’m done,” he announced and Gerard peeked out between their fingers as if they didn’t quite trust him not to flash them. Eventually, they dropped their hand and came closer to hand Ghoul the fresh undershirt they had picked.

Ghoul didn’t try to cover himself as he stretched to pull it over his head. The shirt smelled fresh, and it made him feel a little less disgusting at least.

“You wanna go back to bed? Or to the living room?” Gerard asked.

“Living room,” Ghoul decided after a moment of consideration. Staying in bed all day was only making him depressed. He wanted to be around Gerard while they were home at least.

“Alright, ready?” 

Gerard bent down, so Ghoul could wrap his arm around their shoulders, putting his weight onto them as they hoisted him up. They were close like this, the warmth of Gerard’s body seeping in through his clothes and he could feel their muscles tensing. They were lean but strong, keeping Ghoul upright, so he didn’t have to put too much weight onto his injured leg.

It still took effort to get to the living room and by the time Ghoul sat down on the couch and pulled up his legs, he felt ridiculously sweaty again. A few strands of hair had come loose and stuck to his neck. He felt self-conscious of Gerard touching his feverish, overheated body.

“Here, you should drink something.” Gerard handed him a glass of water from the coffee table.

Ghoul’s mouth still felt dry and he drank greedily, sinking back into the pillows. As if his body had just waited to be hydrated again, the tears started flowing immediately. He couldn’t do anything to stop them. It wasn’t so much the pain as the sheer exhaustion making him cry. His body was begging for rest.

“Oh, Ghoulie.” Gerard reached out and brushed the hair from his forehead. “It hurts, yeah?”

Ghoul sniffled. He didn’t want to make Gerard feel guilty, but he had no energy to hide his distress. “I’m just tired. I want to sleep.”

“Okay.” Gerard was crouching down next to the couch, a line of worry showing at the root of their nose. “You want to take more of those painkillers I brought? See if they help you sleep?”

Ghoul shook his head. He felt pouty. “Took the rest of ‘em this morning,” he confessed.

Gerard’s frown grew even more worried.

“Alright. Anything else you need? You should eat something. I know you’re not hungry, but we’ve got strawberries. Maybe you could try eating some strawberries, love?”

Ghoul shook his head again. He thought of the sweet taste of strawberries and even that made him feel sick. It made him feel so frustrated, that he started to cry even harder. He was barely making any noise, but the crying made it difficult to breathe and he started hiccupping.

“Sorry,” he said.

“Don’t be sorry,” Gerard said and stroked his shoulder. “Just close your eyes and try to get some sleep. I’ll be back soon.”

They got up and Ghoul instinctively reached out to hold them back, but he missed their arms, catching nothing but air between his fingers.

“Where ya going? Don’t leave.”

Gerard looked down at him, their expression blank and determined. 

“I’m going out to get some proper painkillers.”

“No.” Ghoul tried to sit up. He had no idea how Gerard intended to get him painkillers, but he knew that there was absolutely no safe way to do it. “I’m alright. ‘S not so bad.”

“Ghoul. You’re not alright. Let me fix this.”

“Don’t go.” Ghoul had managed to sit up and was trying to reach for Gerard again, but they had already stepped back. “It’s dangerous.”

He wanted to hold Gerard back, but at the same time, he wanted to let them go. He told himself that they probably had another contact, or that they were headed to the Lobby to make a shady deal. It was risky, but probably nothing that a high-ranking Scarecrow would be punished for. And Ghoul was tired of being in pain. He wanted to be selfish. He wanted to ask Gerard to take care of him, he wanted them to fix this.

“I can watch out for myself,” Gerard reminded him and flashed him a grin, almost playful enough to pass for actual cockiness.

“Be careful,” Ghoul added weakly.

“Promise.” Gerard paused by the door. “Love you.”

Ghoul licked his lips. He told himself that saying it was just a habit and that it didn’t mean Gerard was worried they might not come back.

“Love ya, too,” he said.

Gerard blew him a kiss before turning towards the door. “Love you three, Ghoulie.”

Ghoul scoffed, watching as the door fell shut behind Gerard. Then he settled back into the pillows. His leg was still throbbing, but he was so exhausted that he actually felt hopeful about catching some sleep.

He closed his eyes, dozing off only to startle awake a few minutes later. He looked at the clock on the wall. It was still relatively early in the afternoon and he wondered when Gerard would be back.

He kept drifting in and out of consciousness, never able to sleep for more than twenty minutes at a time. Every time he woke, he felt sweaty and unwell.

Around 6:00 pm he started to grow hungry and he debated making his way to the kitchen to eat something, but just the thought turned his stomach. If Gerard really managed to organise painkillers, he might be able to eat something after taking them.

Around 7:00 pm he started to worry.

At 7:30 pm he gave up on napping altogether, staring at the clock on the wall as if he could will it to slow down. Gerard was gone for hours now. Ghoul couldn’t shake the fear that something had happened to them. Maybe they’d been arrested. Maybe they’d been shot. He felt like crying again. He didn’t even care if Gerard got their hands on painkillers anymore, he just wanted them to come home alive and well.

It took almost another hour before the door finally opened.

Ghoul sat up immediately, bracing himself for the worst - a squad of Dracs, or Korse, drenched in Gerard’s blood from head to toe.

But it was just Gerard, pale and tired. Their hair was still slicked back, making them look older than they were.

“Thank the Witch,” Ghoul said and he wished he could get up and run towards Gerard to wrap his arms around them.

Gerard toed off their shoes, moving agonisingly slowly. Ghoul instinctively looked them over for injuries, but their white clothes were clean and spotless.

“Here,” they said and took a step closer, tossing a small cardboard box at Ghoul.

He managed to catch it, looking down at the etiquette: painkillers, the good ones that melted in your mouth. The box contained 50 of them, enough to last a crew in the Zones an entire year.

“How’d ya get ‘em?” Ghoul asked, not sure if he really wanted to hear the answer. Gerard looked like they’d been through a lot. They were holding a stack of papers in their hand.

Ghoul opened the box, observing Gerard to figure out why they were so quiet. It wasn’t just that they didn’t talk, their facial expression was completely blank, the way it was when they were too upset to let anything slip through. When they couldn’t fake it anymore, they just shut down.

They shrugged. “Went right to the source.”

Ghoul froze. Suddenly even the thought of taking a painkiller made him feel sick.

“Ya went to Korse?” He waited for Gerard to shake their head. He wanted to be mistaken.

Gerard shrugged again. “Was the only way to get them.”

“What’d he want?” Ghoul inquired sharply. If Korse had handed out these painkillers, he must have asked for something in return to prove that Gerard had surrendered. It was always a power play between them and Ghoul didn’t want to think about what Gerard might have sacrificed.

Gerard stayed silent as they walked past the couch. They didn’t come closer as if they were scared to let Ghoul catch a good look at their face.

“Gerard, whatcha do?” His voice turned whiny and pleading. He still hadn’t taken a painkiller. 

Gerard was pale and looked absolutely defeated. Ghoul thought about Korse touching them. He didn’t want to think about it, didn’t even want to consider it, but it was the only thing that made sense to him. It was the one thing Korse truly wanted from them, if only he dared to be honest with himself. If Gerard’s first time had happened like this, Ghoul would use his saltpetre to blow Korse’s head off his shoulders the next time he came over.

“I don’t have the energy to talk about it right now,” Gerard said flatly, keeping their back on Ghoul.

“You mean you don’t have the energy to lie about it right now,” Ghoul snapped.

Because he knew Gerard well enough to tell what they were doing. They were trying to keep it together long enough to recharge, until they could meet Ghoul with a smile, crack jokes about tricking Korse, and make him believe that they had won, that they weren’t hurt and that there was nothing to worry about. 

“Fuck you, Ghoul!” Gerard snarled and slammed the papers down on the dinner table. Ghoul hadn’t expected that kind of reaction at all.

“Sorry, I’m just … ya can talk to me,” he tried again, but Gerard was already stalking off towards the bedroom. “Hey, Gee, please!”

He expected Gerard to slam the door shut, but they didn’t, they just left quietly.

Ghoul waited, hoping that Gerard would reemerge, that they just needed a minute to calm themself. But the apartment stayed silent and Ghoul realised that he was witnessing the ultimate shutdown - Gerard wouldn’t let anyone see them weak; they’d rather just leave.

Ghoul hesitated, but then he figured that he was pretty much useless in his current state. So he took a painkiller, letting the disc melt on his tongue even though the sweet aftertaste was appalling this time.

The effect was almost immediate again though. The pain subsided and his body relaxed. If he closed his eyes now, he might be able to finally catch some sleep.

Instead he grabbed his crutch and got off the couch, making his way over to the table. He stared at the papers. They had the logo of Bli’s medical department stamped on them, he recognised that much. But the words on the page were long and some of them seemed to be in a different language altogether. Terms like ‘augmentation’ and ‘liposuction’ just wouldn’t make sense to him. He wanted to scream, because he felt so stupid. He knew that something was going on and he knew that Gerard needed his help, but he was too fucking stupid to even read properly and he was more than useless, he was a liability. Without him, they wouldn’t even be able to blackmail Gerard.

He turned page after page until he found the drawing of a face. Red arrows were drawn on the jaw and finally something clicked. He remembered the surgery Gerard had talked about, the one to sharpen their jaw, to make them look more masculine, to turn them into something that they weren’t.

Ghoul flipped through to the last page, finding Gerard’s signature at the very bottom. There was a date printed on top of the page, too, less than two weeks from now.

He swallowed hard and put the documents back onto the table. He couldn’t help feeling relieved. No one had touched Gerard. No one had hurt them yet.

He hesitated, wondering if he should give Gerard space. But letting things go wasn’t his strong suit.

He grabbed his crutch again, making his way to the bedroom slowly. He was sure that Gerard could hear him coming, so they had plenty of time to close the door, but when Ghoul reached the bedroom, the door was wide open.

It irritated him at first. He recalled Mikey’s stories about Gerard locking themself in when they were upset as a teenager. But they had left the door open for Ghoul, in case he wanted to come after them.

They didn’t stir though as Ghoul entered the room. They were lying on the bed, curled up in a foetal position, facing the wall. They kept so still, that Ghoul almost assumed they had fallen asleep.

He climbed onto the bed behind them, struggling to get his leg up, although it was a lot easier to move now that he wasn’t actively in pain anymore. Bli’s meds really worked miracles.

He leaned over Gerard, who moved slightly as if they couldn’t decide whether or not to face him.

Ghoul studied them for a moment, neither of them speaking and he felt a sharp pain tugging at his chest. He’d been mistaken. Gerard was hurt. They were about to give up a part of themself for Ghoul and he realised how typical that was for them. They did everything to keep their loved ones safe with little regard for themself. They had killed for Mikey, they had stepped between Ghoul and Korse without a second thought. They had been giving up parts of themself ever since the day their parents had been deported.

Ghoul wished he could give something back to them for once. But there was only one thing he had to offer that Gerard wanted.

He leaned in carefully, putting his hand on Gerard’s upper arm. He stroked down slowly, making his way to their waist, lingering to make them feel the warmth of his touch.

He remembered how scared he had been just now, thinking Gerard had slept with Korse to get his meds. Gerard deserved it to happen differently. They deserved it to happen with someone who loved all of them.

He tilted his head, brushing his nose against the tips of Gerard’s hair. It smelled fruity and chemical. He placed a gentle kiss on their neck.

Gerard didn’t move.

He kissed their neck again, more sensual this time, his lips parted, before sucking on their skin. Gerard shivered and he heard their breath hitching. He held on to their waist a little tighter, ready to pull them closer as they arched their back.

But then they shrugged, rolling their shoulder backwards to knock Ghoul in the jaw and push him away without changing their position otherwise.

“Not now, Ghoul,” they said. It was the first thing they’d said since Ghoul had entered the room.

Ghoul bit his bottom lip painfully hard. The rejection stung, but not because he didn’t understand why Gerard wasn’t in the mood. It just made him feel helpless. He had felt that way in the bath today, too, wanting Gerard and being unable to want them, because his hurting body felt like a stranger. He assumed that Gerard wouldn’t want to be touched either while their body didn’t feel like their own but like something that belonged utterly to Bli.

“Sorry, I just didn’t know what else to …” He broke off. He had kissed Gerard precisely because he had no words to comfort them.

“I didn’t do it to be rewarded.” Gerard’s voice was surprisingly sharp, even if they still didn’t turn their head. The words stung, because Ghoul knew that this was how it worked with Korse - action and punishment, action and reward. He didn’t want Gerard to feel like he had been trying to pay them for a job well done. “I just couldn’t stand to see you hurting,” Gerard added more softly as if they’d realised they were probably doing Ghoul injustice.

Ghoul swallowed. “I can’t stand to see ya hurting either.” It was really all there was to say.

He wondered if he should leave. Gerard didn’t want him here to cheer them up.

But they had left the door open.

Ghoul laid down on the bed behind Gerard, staring at their back. He didn’t get close enough to touch them, just close enough for Gerard to be aware of his presence. He was giving them space, but if they needed him, all they had to do was reach out.

Neither of them spoke, but it wasn’t directly uncomfortable. Ghoul had always been better with silence than with words.

He watched the back of Gerard’s head. He just wanted to keep them safe

But he knew that he couldn’t ask them to run away with him. Gerard was too important, they’d probably never even make it to the Lobby. And even if they made it to the Zones somehow, they would spend the rest of their days on the run. Not just Ghoul and Gerard, Mikey and Jet, too. They would never leave their sides. Ghoul couldn’t make that decision for all of them. He couldn’t force them all to live as the public enemy, just to break that one person free.

But he was tired of seeing Gerard hurting.

“I can get us out of here,” he said quietly.

He hadn’t made any concrete plans with Jet yet, but they had a car and they had a bomb. They would work out the details somehow.

He expected Gerard to protest or to be shocked by the suggestion, but when they spoke, their voice was perfectly even.

“I’m not leaving without Mikey.”

“I know.” Ghoul licked his lips. “I meant the three of us.”

He waited for Gerard to lecture him about how impossible it would be to get out of here. They were smarter than Ghoul. They knew all the reasons why it wouldn’t work out.

“Okay,” they said.

Hesitantly, Ghoul reached out, putting his palm against their back, just to let them know that he was there.

“Let’s get the fuck out of here, Ghoulie.”

Chapter Text

“Ya sure there ain’t a catch?” Ghoul asked.

It seemed unlikely to him that Korse would allow Mikey to come over so shortly after the situation between him and Gerard had escalated. It had to be obvious that they were planning something.

“It’s a peace offering,” Gerard said. “I came running like a good boy, now I’m being rewarded.”

They still sounded bitter, but there was something else in their tone, too, something hard and angry. They’d sounded like that for a couple of days now.

Ghoul still felt guilty they’d gone to Korse to beg for his meds, but he couldn’t deny that the painkillers were helping a lot. He was getting enough sleep again and no longer felt feverish, even though he still needed his crutch to walk.

The doorbell rang.

Gerard put on their sharpest grin and went to open the door. Ghoul remained lying on the couch, feeling uneasy as soon as Korse entered the apartment. He was all smug smile and loud voice while Gerard kept wearing their frown.

They offered a hug to Mikey though, who came into the living room afterwards, stopping next to the couch briefly.

“Heard you’ve been shot,” he said.

“Yeah,” Ghoul confirmed.

“Sucks.” Mikey sat down on the floor, so he was able to keep his eyes on Ghoul from a comfortable distance.

Ghoul always felt a little calmer when Mikey was around, but he couldn’t stop watching Gerard and Korse with a queasy feeling. They were discussing something he couldn’t quite make out, but Gerard wasn’t their usual, cheerful self. They stayed rather business-like, barely letting on any emotions at all. Ghoul wondered if it meant their relationship had changed for good, or if it was just another game they were playing to punish Korse.

“Don’t worry,” Mikey said. “They’ve been like this before. They always come around again eventually.”

Ghoul turned back to Mikey. “Yeah?” 

It should be good news, because if this was a regular occurrence, Korse had no reason to grow overly suspicious, but Ghoul still didn’t want them to make peace again. He wanted Gerard to hate Korse as much as Ghoul hated him for what he’d done to them.

“Yeah, when Bli forced me to move out they were fighting for weeks. Same when Gee tried to find out what happened to our parents after reprogramming.”

“Did they …?” Ghoul bit his tongue. “I mean, what happened to them? Did Gee ever find out?” He had never wondered about it before.

Mikey stared past him for a moment. “He never told me.”

“Ah.” Ghoul cleared his throat. They both knew that if Gerard hadn’t told him, it had to be bad.

The door fell shut, causing Ghoul to look up. Gerard looked like they didn’t know what to do with their hands as they approached. They had asked Ghoul to be there when they talked to Mikey.

“Hey, Mikes, so there is some stuff I’d like to talk about,” they said and sat down on the floor facing their brother.

“Kay.”

“First, I need to be absolutely sure Korse didn’t bug you or something. Did he touch any of your stuff when he picked you up?”

Mikey shook his head. “I was careful. You know I’m always careful.”

Gerard nodded and Ghoul felt that familiar sting in his chest again. They’d been forced to be careful for years now. As always, he wanted to wind back time and keep both of them safe.

“Alright, so Ghoul and I talked.” Gerard kept their voice even, their hands were folded in their lap. They sat crossed legged and looked as if they were trying very hard to not seem defensive. “You know he’s been in touch with someone in the Zones. And we think that maybe we could get out of here. We want to run away.”

They paused to give Mikey time to process the information.

“And it’s dangerous, I won’t lie about that, Mikes. They might kill us before we even get out. And if we get out, they’ll never stop looking for us. So if you don’t want to take that risk, that’s okay. We’ll stay. Ghoul can leave, but I’ll stay with you. I won’t leave you, no matter what. It’s your decision.”

“Gee.” Mikey’s voice was as serious as always. “You know I want to leave. I even considered running away on my own, but I need your help.”

“You wanted to leave me?” Gerard sounded almost comically offended.

“You would have come after me. Nothing could have stopped you. I just didn’t know how to do it.”

Gerard hummed. “Are you sure, though? Life in the Zones … it will be different. I might not be able to protect you out there.”

“Gee.” Mikey’s voice was a little too quiet, but it didn’t hide the fact that he was speaking with great intensity. “Life here’s shit. Let’s go.”

Gerard threw back their head and laughed, but it sounded helpless. Ghoul hadn’t doubted for a second that Mikey would agree to leave.

“Okay. Okay then.”

“We have a little over a week,” Ghoul chimed in. Gerard seemed so relieved that they had apparently forgotten the urgency of the situation.

Mikey knitted his brows. The expression looked weirdly exaggerated on his face.

“Yeah?” He looked at Gerard, not at Ghoul.

“Well, it’s …” Gerard scratched the back of their neck. Ghoul couldn’t get a good look at their face, but their gestures were restless and nervous. “It would be preferable. But if we can’t make it, that’s fine, too. We shouldn’t be reckless. Planning a safe escape is more important than doing it fast.”

“They set a date for the surgery,” Ghoul interrupted them. He had been meaning to leave this conversation to Gerard, but he couldn’t watch them constantly putting themself last.

“Oh.” Mikey gave a short nod.

“But you know, it might even be safer to do it afterwards, so Korse thinks he won.” Gerard was rambling. They sounded defensive even though no one had attacked them. “I can go through with it, it’s fine.”

“Hey, ‘s ain’t fine,” Ghoul said and reached out. He had to lean forward to place his hand on Gerard’s shoulder.

They turned to face Ghoul. They looked young and lost.

“Ya do everything to keep us safe. ‘N we keep you safe, yeah? We ain’t gonna let that happen to ya.”

Gerard turned away again quickly, but Ghoul caught the slight tremor of their lips. It made Ghoul want to care for them even more.

“Ghoul’s right,” Mikey confirmed. “If you’re scared of the surgery, we’ll just leave beforehand.”

Gerard inhaled soundly. “Okay,” they whispered.

Ghoul gave their shoulder a gentle nudge for encouragement. 

“Actually, there’s something else.” Gerard was practically rushing out the words. “I’m not scared the surgery will go wrong or something, if that’s what you think. It’s … okay, fuck, here we go. I never told you this, but like, I told Ghoul and he understood and I think that, maybe, you know, the problem isn’t fucking me. Maybe there isn’t anything wrong with me at all just cause they say so. And maybe you’ll understand, and I, I mean, I never even gave you the fucking chance to be cool with it, cause I never talked about it, so maybe I should, you know?”

Mikey didn’t interrupt their rambling, but he kept very still as if he was trying to communicate through active listening.

Gerard inhaled again, sucking in too much air at once as if they were scared of drowning.

“Do you remember that evening gown mum had? T’was nothing fancy, because it’s all just fucking standard stuff here. It went down over her knees, but it had this side slit, that made me think it was pretty elegant anyway.”

They paused again and Ghoul felt bad for growing impatient. He wanted to shake Gerard, so they would blurt out the words the way Ghoul would have done.

But Mikey just nodded.

“I remember. The zipper broke and had to be replaced. They fought over it.”

“It was me. I broke the zipper. Tried to put it on, but it was too tight.” Gerard chuckled and rubbed their cheek awkwardly. “Bet it would fucking fit me now.”

Ghoul fought the urge to lean down to hug Gerard from behind. He’d risk falling off the couch.

“So it’s about the dress? And that necklace you stole from set?” Mikey asked.

Gerard laughed out loud this time. They always sounded a little surprised when their laugh was honest.

“Korse thought I wanted to sell it on the Lobby’s blackmarket. Thank fuck for that.” They were still chuckling. “But yeah, something like that. I never really liked to, I don’t know, present like a man, I guess. And the thought of that surgery makes me want to bail my fucking eyes out if I’m honest.”

Ghoul had rarely ever heard Gerard admit to their feelings this openly.

“Okay. Then it’s simple,” Mikey said. “We’re leaving.”

“Thank you,” Gerard said softly. “I wasn’t sure how you would … I mean, I don’t think I’m a woman either. Ghoul told me that you don’t have to choose. I’m trying that out now. I got new pronouns, and uh, it would be cool if you, like, wanted to use them, too. It’s uh, they now, I guess. Like, if that’s alright with you.”

Gerard still sounded nervous, but there was excitement mixed into their voice as well. They sounded happy to tell Mikey, even though they were clearly still worried about his reaction.

“Yeah, alright,” Mikey agreed. “I don’t care.”

Gerard snorted. “Yeah, right, thanks.”

Mikey studied Gerard’s face. They had sounded slightly offended and he was seemingly trying to figure out what he had done to upset them.

“I mean, I don’t care if you are my brother or my sister or my …” He frowned. “... sibling, or whatever. You’re my family.”

Gerard tilted back their head to stare at the ceiling.

“Destroya, honey, don’t make me cry.” They made it sound like a joke, but Ghoul knew that when they joked, it was usually to hide some kind of truth underneath.

Mikey seemed unfazed when Gerard looked back at him.

“You want a hug?” he suggested. “I think I would like to give you a hug.”

He extended his arms and Gerard slung themself at him immediately, nearly making both of them fall over. They wrapped their arms around Mikey and buried their face against his shoulder and Mikey returned the hug just as tightly. Ghoul could see his arms digging into Gerard’s back. The sight filled him with warmth and happiness and pride and he wished they could do a group hug instead.

After a moment, Mikey tapped Gerard on the back.

“It’s enough now, Gee,” he said.

“Just a bit longer, please,” Gerard begged, their voice muffled against Mikey’s shoulder.

Mikey sighed, but he allowed his sibling to hold on to him, waiting until Gerard was finally ready to let go.

When they pulled back, Ghoul expected their face to be tear-stained, but they just looked happy, their cheeks flushed pink and a wide smile on their lips. His heart seemed to swell in his chest when they looked at him like this.

He cleared his throat. “We should call Jet.”

“Right, I’ll get the transmitter.” Gerard jumped up eagerly.

Ghoul suddenly felt nervous. He’d kept in touch with Jet, so he knew about Mikey and that Ghoul had grown quite fond of the siblings, but he didn’t know about the recent developments - that Ghoul wanted to take them to the Zones, that he’d been shot, or that it felt like he’d been laced with nitroglycerin and was ready to explode when he thought about Gerard’s bare legs for too long. He wasn’t sure how Jet would take it.

“Here!” Gerard had hurried back from the bedroom and handed Ghoul the transmitter, switching on the radio before sitting back down on the floor.

“Jet?” Ghoul tried. “Jet Star, do you copy? Are ya there?”

As usual, he didn’t have to wait long until Jet answered. The sound of static faded, Jet’s voice becoming clear. The quality of their calls had improved immensely since Mikey had installed the booster.

“Ghoul? How are ya?”

“I’m shiny. How ‘bout you? Ya laying low?”

“Ya know it.”

“Listen, Jet.” Ghoul scratched his cheek. He figured that there was no point in beating around the bush. “‘S getting real hot up here in Bat City. Radiation’s gonna burn us in a week from now. We gotta do the thing, man. We gotta get outta here.”

For a moment, Jet stayed silent.

“We? Ya bringing the Crow then?”

Ghoul glanced at Gerard. Their expression stayed blank.

“I’m bringing Gerard, yeah. I can’t leave ‘em here. It ain’t safe. Mikey, too.They’re both here with me right now. Say hi.”

“Hi, Gerard, hi, Mikey,” Jet said. He sounded tired, but he didn’t argue. Ghoul assumed that he’d seen it coming.

“Hi, Jetty, did ya miss me?” Gerard chimed and Ghoul chuckled, picturing Jet’s face.

“Hi, Jet,” Mikey said.

“Are ya sure ‘bout this, Ghoul?” Jet’s tone was serious. Ghoul could hear its nuance even through the radio.

Jet wanted to know if he was absolutely sure that Gerard could be trusted, that they weren’t just planning to infiltrate the killjoys or to lure anyone coming for Ghoul into a trap.

Ghoul looked at Gerard, who returned his gaze with their hazel eyes bright and clear.

Truth was that he didn’t know for certain if they could be trusted. He was sure that Gerard didn’t work for Bli, but that didn’t mean they couldn’t have their own hidden agenda. If Ghoul was completely honest, he didn’t know if it was in the Zones’ best interest to bring Gerard out there. He was certain that it was in Gerard’s best interest though.

“No,” he said firmly, still holding eye contact with Gerard. “But it doesn’t matter, cause I ain’t leaving without ‘em.”

Jet sighed. “Okay. Okay, I’ll come and get you.”

Ghoul exhaled soundly. He hadn’t doubted Jet for a second, but he was still overwhelmed with gratitude for his love and support being so unconditional.

“Just a small issue, though,” he added. “I’ve been shot, so I can’t run.”

“You’ve been shot?” Jet echoed alarmed.

“‘S just the leg,” Ghoul soothed him.

“How’d ya get shot?”

Ghoul looked at the transmitter and then at Gerard. They raised their eyebrows as if they were also curious about his answer.

“Guy pointed a gun at me ‘n I called him a pedo,” Ghoul said and shrugged.

“Destroya, Ghoul. Ain’t that hard to keep your mouth shut sometimes.”

Ghoul scoffed.

“Don’t worry, babe, I for one like your mouth.” Gerard winked. “Anyway, what’s the plan? You guys got any idea how to pull that off yet?”

Ghoul’s face suddenly felt very hot. He was the one who had offered to get them out of here, but he had no idea how to do it. He’d been bragging when all he got was a radio Gerard had helped him build.

“I can sneak in through the Lobby. Come ‘n find y’all. Gonna get weapons for sure if I tell ‘em it’s for ya, Ghoul. Gonna leave the Am right outside Bat City, we just gotta make it back.”

“So ya gonna sneak in on foot, meet us at the city centre and we’re gonna run away on foot while Ghoul can’t walk,” Gerard summed up the current plan. They didn’t sound impressed.

“We gotta get past ‘em Dracs, too,” Ghoul reminded them. “Can’t meet Jet if the whole building’s locked down.”

“We could fight them,” Mikey suggested and made a move with his arm that looked vaguely karate related.

“Imma bring Rayguns,” Jet said. “We could shoot ‘em.”

Ghoul chewed on his lip. “I’ve got a bomb. We could explode ‘em.”

Everyone fell quiet. 

Ghoul looked at Gerard. Mikey was doing the same. Even Jet stayed silent.

He remembered asking Mikey how he would escape Bat City. Mikey had told him that he would ask Gerard to figure it out for him. Back then, Ghoul had deemed that a stupid approach. 

He swallowed. “How do we get outta here, Gee?” he asked.

Gerard closed their eyes for a moment. When they opened them again, they looked determined. “We’re gonna stage a medical emergency. We’ll make sure the Dracs hold the door for us while we walk out. Jet, can you hotwire a car?”

Jet snorted and Ghoul chuckled.

“Could do that even if I lost my good eye, too.”

“Good.” Gerard nodded shortly and looked at Ghoul. “They told us to call a doctor if the wound was infected. We’re gonna call an ambulance.”

They extended their hand and Ghoul handed over the transmitter without hesitation.

“Jet, you gotta listen to me closely now. Do you know where the Better TV studios are? Can you get there from the Lobby without being seen?”

“Friend a mine got ‘em plans of the city. Imma figure out a route.”

“They are going to shoot a report on Monday morning, 9:00 am, but you should get there early. Some of the actors are gonna be dressed as killjoys, so ya won’t stand out once you’re there. Mikey, I’m going to put you on the list to work tech on the shoot that day. If Korse asks about it, I’ll tell him I wanted to see you.”

Gerard’s voice was serious and firm, cutting right to the chase. They sounded very professional and it stirred something in Ghoul’s stomach. It was tamer than arousal, but definitely filthier than affection.

“There’s gonna be a lot of people on set that day. It’s going to be noisy and crowded. And I’ll need you to find Jet. And I need you to work with him even though you’ve never met before.” Gerard was making eye-contact with Mikey, who looked away after a second. “Will you be able to do that? Because if you can’t do it, I’ll come up with something else. I just need to know.”

“I can do it,” Mikey said and stared at his hands. “I’m not fucking five anymore, Gee.” He rarely swore.

“Honey, I’m not asking as family right now. I need to know realistically what I’m working with, so I can figure this out. Are you sure?”

Mikey looked up, meeting their eyes head-on. He looked stubborn. When he looked like that, it was easy to tell that he was related to Gerard.

“I can do it,” he repeated firmly.

“Okay.” Gerard still sounded entirely professional. “So you are going to meet on set. There’s a warehouse, B12. It will be open, it’s where we keep costumes and props. There’s an ambulance in the back. It’s an old model and has no equipment inside, but it’s running. You need to hotwire it and drive it here. Mikey knows the way. You also need to change into Bli clothes, and get medical masks to cover your faces if possible. Check the costumes on site. The Dracs are stupid, but they might recognise Mikey otherwise.”

“Won’t they notice us stealing a whole fucking ambulance?” Jet interrupted.

“Things are going to be messy on set that day. They won’t be able to start shooting without me, and I will refuse to come in, because Ghoul is sick. I’m going to call an ambulance. We can’t waste time, because Korse will come over to check on me the moment he learns I left work. If he gets here before you do, we’re fucked. I’m going to make the call at 9:08, so I suggest you start driving at 9:06 or 9:07, the studio is close. It all depends on the right timing. You can’t show up immediately, but you have to be here before the actual ambulance arrives. Do you copy? 9:06, 9:07. Mikey? Jet?”

Mikey nodded.

“Copy that,” Jet confirmed. Ghoul was slightly surprised he was letting Gerard take charge.

“You’re gonna come up here with a gurney and transport Ghoul downstairs. I’ll refuse to leave his side. We need to act fast, to create a sense of rush and panic. If we give the Dracs time to consult a superior, they won’t let us go. We’ll have to drive off in the ambulance before anyone else has fully comprehended the situation and even then we gotta hit the gas. Got it?”

“Ya really think that’ll convince ‘em?” Ghoul asked.

“Well, baby, I’m gonna act my fucking ass off,” Gerard said and it was impossible to tell if they were joking or dead-serious. “Any more questions?”

Ghoul licked his lips. “Fucking risky, ain’t it?” 

Too much could go wrong. There was no guarantee Jet would even make it to the city. He and Mikey might get caught while stealing the ambulance. Their timing might be off. The Dracs might not let them go. Korse might get here sooner than expected. There were too many factors at play to calculate properly.

“Yeah,” Gerard confirmed. “I still think it’s our best shot. I would suggest you take me hostage, but the risk they’d shoot you is too high. Besides, Korse wouldn’t buy it.”

“What if they don’t let you come?” Mikey asked the very thing that worried Ghoul the most. “I mean, what if everything works out somehow, but they only let us take Ghoul to the ambulance?”

“Then,” Gerard said and Ghoul noticed the tension in their jaw. “You get him on the fucking ambulance and get the fuck out of here, do you understand me?”

“Gee, we ain’t …” Ghoul protested, but Gerard cut him off with an abrupt gesture.

“I’ll come and find you.” They said it like it was non-negotiable. Ghoul wanted to protest again, but then he thought about all the things Gerard would be capable of if they knew Mikey and Ghoul were safe. They would burn Bat City to the ground.

“‘S there gonna be a checkpoint on set?” Jet wanted to know. “Can I bring guns?” It was like him to keep the practical stuff in mind while Ghoul could only think about potentially losing one of his friends. A part of him felt selfish asking for Jet’s help. He would be putting himself in danger, but they needed a get-away driver and if it had been the other way around, Ghoul wouldn’t have hesitated to take the risk. 

“You fucking should bring guns,” Gerard said. “People will assume they are props.”

“Imma leave some in the back of the ambulance, so y’all can arm yourself,” Jet added.

“Oh, baby, I like the way you’re thinking,” Gerard purred. They paused. “‘N Jet? I dunno how these things usually work. But if there’s anything planned … Monday morning would be the perfect time to pull it off. They’ll definitely come after me once they smell a rat.”

“And if they gotta split, both operations have a higher chance at succeeding,” Jet concluded. “Imma talk to some ‘joys.”

Ghoul studied Gerard’s face. He wondered if they really wanted to enhance the odds for everyone, or if they were hoping for a distraction by sacrificing someone else. Their expression told him nothing and Ghoul decided that ultimately, it didn’t matter. As long as everyone benefitted, Gerard’s motives were secondary.

“Alright. We should keep communication to a minimum from now on. Does everyone agree with the plan? Are there concerns or suggestions?”

Ghoul wondered if it was the Scarecrow training that made Gerard take charge of the operation so naturally, or if they were just a born leader.

“I’m in,” Mikey said without hesitation.

“I won’t be able to guarantee your safety,” Gerard reminded him. “You might get shot or captured. We don’t have to take the risk now. We can wait and try to come up with something better. We can play the long game.”

“I’m in,” Mikey repeated.

Ghoul reached out again to touch Gerard’s shoulder. They turned their head and Ghoul knew that his gaze was too affectionate, that he was looking at Gerard like they were the only people in the damn city. He tried to assure them with his eyes that even if they were playing their own game, it didn’t matter: he wouldn’t allow them to get hurt.

“I’m in,” he said.

Gerard smiled subtly, like it wasn’t meant to draw attention.

For a moment, the room fell quiet. Ghoul looked at the radio. He would understand if Jet vetoed the plan. He didn’t know Gerard and Mikey. He only cared about Ghoul, and for the two of them, it might be smarter to wait.

But Jet was also the best person he knew and he would trust Ghoul even when he doubted his judgement.

“I’m in,” Jet confirmed. “Imma come and get ya. Imma come ‘n get y’all.”

Chapter Text

“Ya nervous?” Ghoul asked. He was sitting on the bed cross-legged, already in his pyjamas. They had decided to go to sleep early to be recharged tomorrow, but he doubted that he would catch any sleep at all tonight. His stomach churned with nerves.

“Ya don’t need to be nervous if ya know you’re winning, honey.” Gerard flashed him a grin before sitting down on the bed opposite him. They had just taken a shower and their hair looked ruffled, making Ghoul realise how long it had gotten recently. The sight made him feel very fond.

“What about you? Second thoughts, sweetheart?” Gerard grinned cheekily. They kept their tone light, but Ghoul wasn’t buying it. “Need me to distract ya?”

“Just worried,” Ghoul mumbled.

“It will be fine, Ghoulie,” Gerard said, their tone a little more serious now. “The plan isn’t perfect, but it’s not total shit either. If it fails, we still have weapons to blast our way outta here.”

Ghoul licked his lips. They had spent the weekend preparing - Gerard had packed and unpacked a single bag several times and Ghoul had been in the kitchen, trying to build something that was likely to explode. Aside from that, he had cuddled up to Gerard a lot, hugging them whenever he felt like it and one time, he’d taken a brief nap with his head in their lap in the living room. He wanted to cherish the time they had left in case something went wrong tomorrow. The one thing he regretted was not being able to take one last bath because of his injured leg. He’d settled for a brief and careful shower instead, but it wasn’t quite the same. On Saturday, he had stuffed himself with strawberries until he’d nearly thrown up. It was weird to think that if their plan worked, he would never taste them again.

“And whatcha thinking for real?” he asked straight-fowardly.

For a moment, Gerard’s lips twitched as if they were about to smile or pout, but then their expression softened. Ghoul could practically see them fighting the instinct to play it off.

“To be honest, I’m not worried ‘bout it going wrong,” Gerard said. “They don’t shoot as quickly here as they do in the Zones. Don’t want to cause a panic. People get taken in for reprogramming instead. And if they take you, any of you, I’m going to bargain. You know I’ve got leverage with a pretty face like mine. Things would definitely get worse. They might take you away from me. But I don’t think they’d fucking kill any of us, so I’m not too worried about that.”

Ghoul hummed quietly. Gerard stared down into their lap, avoiding eye contact. Ghoul thought that they would probably shoot Gerard before letting them go. They’d prefer a martyr over a traitor, image-wise. But if he had figured that much, Gerard had definitely considered it. Ghoul decided to let the lie slide. They both needed encouragement right now.

“I’m rather scared that everything works out as planned. I’m worried about what comes after.”

Ghoul frowned as he watched Gerard, who was still staring down into their lap. They were chewing on their bottom lip. It would be chapped and sore soon.

“Cause Korse will keep looking for ya?”

“Oh, yeah, that.” Gerard finally looked up. They didn’t seem scared. There was a concerned line showing at the root of their nose that made them look almost angry, though. They always looked like that when they were worried, probably because they were simultaneously working on a way to fix things already. They looked very focused when they were upset.

“He will keep looking for me. But I’m worried about the ‘joys and all. I doubt they’ll welcome me with open arms.”

“Hey, it’s gonna be fine, yeah?” Ghoul reached out to nudge their knee. He tried not to think about it too hard, because he realised only now that Gerard had a point. Most joys knew them as the face of Better Living Industries. Out in the Zones, it wasn’t a good look. “Imma vouch for ya. Ain’t looking like much, but folks out there trust me. Did detonation jobs for lotta ‘em. They’re gonna give ya a chance if I tell ‘em to. They're gonna see ya for who ya really are.”

Gerard snorted, loud and unexpected. “I fucking hope not.”

It took a moment for the words to sink in, but once they did, Ghoul had to admit that they were right. The one thing more unpopular than a city celeb would be a high-ranking Scarecrow.

“Ya more of a peacock than a Crow anyway,” Ghoul teased, but his mouth tasted funny. He had thought about the consequences of Bli chasing him for the rest of his life, but he hadn’t considered the possibility of getting outcast by the other killjoys for bringing Gerard. He didn’t think his friends would do that to him, but they might be right to distrust Gerard after all.

“Fuck you,” Gerard said, but their tone was filled with the same affection they used to cuss out Mikey.

“Seriously though, if I ever met anyone who could wrap the Witch around their finger, it’s you, Gee. ‘S gonna be fine. You’ll charm ‘em in no time, no matter what they think of you at first.”

“Yeah, but if they don’t, just in case, y’know?” Ghoul watched Gerard shift their weight. He looked at the blanket Gerard was sitting on. It dawned on him that it wasn’t a coincidence they were talking about this, although Gerard had somehow managed to make it feel as if Ghoul was the one who had brought it up. “You gotta promise me that you’ll look after Mikey, Ghoul. He’s a good kid and he did nothing wrong. Can’t say the same for myself, but Mikey deserves a fresh start.”

“You’ll both get that.” Ghoul reached out to take Gerard’s hand. It felt bony in his grip, but their skin was smooth and soft. “Even if no one else wants ya there, me ‘n Jet are gonna look after ya.”

“Yes, but … if for some reason, you gotta choose, I want you to choose Mikey. Because I can look after myself, but I’m not sure I can look after him if the situation changes. And I know he’ll be alright, it’s not like that. He’s not helpless or anything. But I don’t want him to be alone. He deserves a friend. So you’ve gotta promise, Ghoul. You gotta fucking promise that whatever shit goes down, you’ll take care of him.”

Ghoul knew that Gerard was serious and that they wanted more than an empty promise. He wasn’t sure how he would act if it really came down to it, but he knew that Gerard would never forgive him if he chose them over Mikey, so it wasn’t really a choice at all. Mikey was Gerard’s priority, so he would be Ghoul’s priority, too.

“Promise,” he said and squeezed Gerard’s hand. They returned the pressure, staring at Ghoul like they wanted to cut his skull open with a laser beam. “Gonna look out for him, yeah? He’s gonna fit right in, don’t ya worry. ‘N if he doesn’t, I’ll be there.”

“Okay,” Gerard mumbled and exhaled soundly, pulling their hand from Ghoul’s grip. He felt slightly rejected, as if Gerard had only tried to hold his attention until they’d gotten what they wanted. It was hard to blame them, when it was about Mikey though.

They stayed silent for a moment. Ghoul licked his lips, wondering if now was the right time to bring it up. He’d thought about it all weekend. His leg still hurt, but the painkillers helped a lot and they could be careful.

“‘Bout me though …” Gerard said abruptly. “We should probably keep that on the downlow.”

Ghoul felt like he’d be slapped across the face, although Gerard’s voice sounded perfectly conversational.

He didn’t like the idea of lying to anyone, least of all his friends. But he also couldn’t imagine any killjoy trusting Gerard, if they knew what exactly they had done for Bli, how much their work had benefited the system, even if they had done their best to sabotage it. They didn’t know Gerard, hadn’t seen their vulnerability and how much of themself they had been forced to hide. It would be easier to lie than to make them understand the truth. 

“Yeah,” Ghoul agreed reluctantly. He hadn’t even thought about what to tell the others yet at all, but of course Gerard was already one step ahead of him again. “‘S better if we keep that to ourselves.”

He hadn’t imagined that lying would ever seem like the best option to him. He wondered if the city had changed him, if it had left behind a small splinter inside of him that made him a little colder, a little more sly. He would have to carry the truth about Gerard with him from now on, wearing it underneath his skin as a burden, or a secret weapon.

He swallowed. “Ya want that though? I mean …” He trailed off.

“I don’t wanna be stupid for the rest of my life,” Gerard said harshly. “Or act like it anyway. I want to be myself for fucking once, but how could I … expect anyone to like that person?”

They looked up at Ghoul again rather suddenly and their gaze was intense and haunting, as if they really expected him to have an answer to that.

It was true that it would be easier for them to fit in with the killjoys if they acted shallow, like they’d been nothing but a pretty puppet for an evil corporation. But Ghoul hated the idea of them having to act all the time like they did now, of never being allowed to let their guard down. He didn’t doubt that things would be better in the Zones overall, but he also couldn’t deny that there was a very real possibility of Gerard just trading one prison for the other.

“Hey, I like ya, ‘kay?” He tried to smile as warmly as possible. It didn’t come naturally to him when he wasn’t convinced himself. “They’re just gonna need some time to really know ya. ‘N if it’s too much, we’ll leave, you ‘n me ‘ n Jet ‘n Mikey. Ya can be real with us, yeah?”

“Can I say something fucked up?” Gerard asked suddenly. They chucked out the words and Ghoul couldn’t place their tone, because he’d never heard it before. It took him a moment to realise that they were asking if they could be honest.

“Course.”

“Sometimes I think at least Korse appreciates me for all the fucked up shit. The scheming and coldness and anger, I dunno. It’s safe, in a way.”

“Korse’s …” Ghoul’s mouth felt dry. He wasn’t sure what to tell Gerard. He knew those things were part of them and sometimes they scared him. He couldn’t lie about that. But the idea of Gerard still being attached to Korse terrified him. He’d thought they’d crossed that line.

“I know, I know.” Gerard cut him off with a wave of their hand. “It’s not like I want to stay with him. I’m just scared of starting over. Of being too fucked up to do it, I guess.”

“Ya can be whatever ya wanna be. We’ve got all kinds of folks out there, yeah?” Ghoul wanted to take hold of Gerard’s hand again, but he was scared they would pull back. “‘S your decision. I ain’t gonna tell anyone. I ain’t good at lying, but if anyone asks ‘bout your past, Imma tell ‘em to mind their own fucking business if they don’t want a grenade up their ass, yeah?”

Gerard snorted, but their shoulders relaxed slightly.

“Yeah, thanks, Ghoulie.”

Ghoul felt like he was supposed to add something else, but he couldn’t think of any words that would put Gerard at ease.

“C’mere,” he mumbled instead and started to pull back the blanket, so they could lie down.

Gerard hesitated for a moment, but then they crawled up to Ghoul, allowing him to pull the blanket up around both of them and resting their head on his shoulder. Neither of them moved to switch off the light.

Ghoul felt the weight of Gerard’s body against himself and it was familiar and calming. He felt their chest heaving with each breath and he put his arm around their shoulders.

“When I first got here,” he said quietly. “I mean, when Korse dropped me off here, I was scared shitless. Thought ya were gonna hurt me ‘n that I’d never talk to my folks again. But ya looked out for me.” He paused. “‘N if we make it to the Zones, Imma look out for ya. Doesn’t mean it’s gonna be easy. But ya won’t have to do it alone.”

Gerard rubbed their cheek against Ghoul’s shoulder. Their face was hidden from view. Ghoul hoped they understood how much he meant this. They’d fought on their own for far too long already.

“Thanks, Ghoulie,” they whispered.

Ghoul turned his head to place a brief kiss on Gerard’s freshly washed hair. He inhaled the smell of their shampoo. If everything went according to plan, this was another thing he was going to miss: calm moments like these, lying in a comfortable bed and having an entire apartment to themselves without being on the run.

He licked his lips and gathered his courage.

“Also, I was thinking, yeah?” He slid his hand from Gerard’s shoulder down their arm, making the motion slow and tender. He felt awkward. This wasn’t something he was good at. Out in the Zones, it always just kind of happened. “Just, if we don’t make it tomorrow …”

“Don’t say that,” Gerard interrupted him and lifted their head off his shoulder.

Ghoul’s face felt hot, because his attempt had clearly been misinterpreted already.

“‘S just … I know ya always wanted to … y’know. Would hate for ya to never experience that.”

He cleared his throat nervously and Gerard straightened themself enough to really look at him. They were looking as cheeky as he had expected, all lopsided grin and sparkling eyes and it made Ghoul very insecure about where to look.

“Are you offering yourself to me, Ghoulie?” they teased sweetly, placing the tips of their fingers on Ghoul’s chest. He was breathing too heavily already. “That’s so sweet, sugar.”

They paused, clearly waiting for an answer.

“If ya wanna,” Ghoul said quietly.

Gerard’s smile softened until it looked almost sad. They pulled back their hand.

“You know I do. But I also don’t. I don’t want to have sex with you because we could die tomorrow.”

They exhaled soundly and rolled onto their back.

“‘S not why I’m offering. ‘S ain’t a pity fuck,” Ghoul clarified, looking at Gerard. They were blinking slowly as if they were tired, but Ghoul had the feeling that they were avoiding eye contact. “It’d be real. Want ya to have that.”

Gerard’s lips curled into a smirk. It was barely a smile, but something much softer. Their eyes flickered across Ghoul’s face.

“I know it’d be real,” they said softly.

Ghoul wasn’t quite sure what this thing between them was exactly. The attraction was definitely mutual and they cared for each other deeply, yet they weren’t a couple. But he knew that if they had sex, it would be tender and intimate, and it would mean something.

“It’s not about that.” Gerard looked past him at the ceiling. “It’s this fucked up mess of a situation. My whole life, everything’s been decided for me. And all I want is to choose someone and for someone to choose me. But it’s not really a fucking choice if it’s now or never, is it? It’s like Bli is deciding the timing for us even now, you know what I mean? It’s just not the way I want it.”

“I get it,” Ghoul said and shuffled closer to lie next to Gerard. 

He felt a sense of pride when he thought about the way Gerard had thrown themself at him on the day of their first meeting, desperate for just anything. They’d come a long way since then. 

At the same time, he felt a vague sense of dread. Maybe it wasn’t just the situation, maybe it was Ghoul. He was something that Bli had chosen for Gerard as well. Even though it had felt like a lucky coincidence, he had been hand-picked by Korse. Maybe Gerard wanted to find someone who was entirely theirs.

“I’d like to kiss you though,” Gerard added, their voice turning lighter again. Ghoul felt ashamed of the wave of relief that washed over him.

Gerard had turned their head and Ghoul turned to look at them as well.

“Tomorrow, if we make it out, yeah? If we make it out, I’m going to kiss you, is that okay?”

Ghoul smiled. “Okay.”

Gerard bit their bottom lip while smiling back. They were lying close. Soon they would switch off the light and try to go to sleep. Ghoul was sure that Gerard would be the little spoon tonight.

“Great. I won’t be so scared, if I have something to look forward to.”

Ghoul scoffed, but he was still smiling. It sounded like a joke, but he appreciated that Gerard was willing to share their anxieties with him at all. Ghoul was going home. Gerard was starting over. It had to be scary. But Ghoul would look out for them.

“Love ya,” he said.

Gerard blinked slowly and this time, they actually did look sleepy. “Love you, too.”

“Lo …” Ghoul started, but Gerard reached out quickly to place two fingers on his lips to make sure he wouldn’t get the last word for once.

Their grin looked very affectionate. “Don’t ya dare.”

Chapter Text

Ghoul woke up screaming. At first, he couldn’t even tell what was wrong, his whole body seemed to be burning up. He felt disgusting and sweaty. His leg was throbbing with pain.

“I know, I know, sweetheart,” someone murmured and for a moment he thought it was Jet, but when he blinked, the white bedroom came into view and he remembered that he wasn’t home.

“I’m so sorry, love.” A damp washcloth was pressed to his forehead, cooling his feverish face.

He recognised Gerard’s voice now and instinctively swatted their hand away. He wanted Gerard to take care of him, but they were apologising, which meant the pain he was in was somehow their fault.

“Whatcha do?” he asked and tried to sit up, the washcloth still on his face, awkwardly sliding down his cheek. 

Gerard reached out to take it and Ghoul noticed that their hand was stained red, smeared with blood.

He looked down. The bandage around his bare thigh was drenched in blood.

“Whatcha do?” he repeated, his voice too thin to sound forceful.

“Just used enough pressure for the wound to open up. I’m sorry, Ghoulie, I’m really sorry. We’ll patch you up again once we’re out of here, but right now I need you to be in pain. We’ll get out of here, remember? We’ll get out of here today.”

“Fuck you.” Ghoul wasn’t in the mood for Gerard’s rambling, he just knew that they had gone behind his back once again, that there had once again been a part of the plan they had deliberately withheld from him, because they hadn’t trusted him to act his part otherwise.

He gritted his teeth. Gerard was holding the washcloth in front of their body awkwardly, the white fabric now stained with the blood from their fingers. They were pale, their eyes looked dark and large. They looked panicked, guilty and worried and like they were on the verge of tears, because they felt so bad about seeing Ghoul in pain. They looked exactly like they were supposed to if they wanted to get away with this. Ghoul still felt like they should have asked for consent.

“Ya ain’t gonna give me a painkiller, are ya?”

Gerard shook their head, still looking genuinely sorry. “No, sorry, honey, not yet. And also, I need you to move to the living room.”

Ghoul just grunted. Gerard could have woken him, they could have gotten him to the living room first and if it was really necessary, they could have hurt him after talking it through. This was really the most inconvenient way to go about it.

“Fucking hate ya so much right now.” Ghoul’s eyes were stinging with pain, but he felt too pissed off to actually cry.

“That’s okay, sugar,” Gerard cooed. “Ya can be mad at me all ya want once we’re safe.”

They crouched down next to the bed and allowed Ghoul to sling his arm around their shoulders. He managed to shuffle over the edge of the bed and Gerard pulled him to his feet. He was putting a lot of weight onto them, but the pain still shot up his leg as he tried to stand. He winced loudly and more tears started welling up in his eyes. He was scared to look down.

“You’re doing amazing, honey,” Gerard encouraged him. “Really great. We gotta hurry a little, though, yeah? Gotta make it to the living room quickly, okay?”

They started walking, barely slowing their steps and forcing Ghoul to keep up with them. They should have woken him sooner, they shouldn’t have woken him like this.

“Fuck you, motherfucker,” Ghoul cursed, wincing and crying out every so often when he was forced to move his injured leg. He usually kept quiet when he was hurt, but he was mad at Gerard right now and he wanted them to feel guilty, so he wasn’t holding back his voice.

He was letting out a constant flow of curses, feeling completely exhausted by the time they reached the living room. He wanted to sit down, but the couch was still so far away.

He tried to take another shaky step, Gerard pulling him forward impatiently and his legs just gave out. Gerard tried to support him, but he collapsed on the floor, the pain in his leg flaring up with new intensity. He screamed, shrill and angry, pissed that Gerard was putting him through this, that they had let him go. He felt helpless on the floor, unable to get up by himself.

The doorbell rang. 

Ghoul felt panic rising in his throat. It was too soon. Gerard hadn’t called an ambulance yet as far as he was concerned.

“Not fucking now!” Gerard yelled towards the door, turning back to bend over Ghoul. They bit their bottom lip, looking torn as if they considered giving him a painkiller after all. They still looked incredibly pale, their hair was uncombed, although they were dressed for work.

They reached for Ghoul, but he just whimpered, feeling like a stubborn child. He didn’t want to get up. He didn’t want to be dragged around by Gerard anymore while they kept him in the dark about their decisions.

The front door opened.

Ghoul’s breath hitched, but when he looked past Gerard, it was only one of the Dracs standing in the doorway.

“I said not fucking now,” Gerard snapped before even spinning around. They didn’t act the least bit surprised, as if they had expected the Drac to come in.

“Is everything alright?” Usually the Dracs stayed silent, and Ghoul was irritated by the sound of their flat voice. He was occupied with the pain in his body though, trying to shift his position to take the pressure off his leg somehow.

“Well, what does it fucking look like?” Gerard yelled and raised their hands, their fingertips still smeared with blood. “Does it looked like everything is al-fucking-right?”

The Drac scanned them over and Ghoul realised how pathetic he had to look: cowering on the floor, his face swollen from crying, only in a pair of boxers and an undershirt that was drenched in sweat, the bandage on his leg soaked with blood, smearing his bare thighs. And Gerard next to him: dishevelled and panicked, absolutely out of their mind.

And he realised that the Drac had been supposed to find them like this. Ghoul had been supposed to cry out loud enough to draw attention and he had only let on his pain, because he’d been fucking pissed at Gerard.

“Don’t just fucking stand there!” Gerard ordered. “Call a fucking ambulance! He needs a doctor, you fucking moron! And I don’t mean call fucking Korse, call an ambulance. He needs to go to a hospital right fucking now.”

The Drac seemed to hesitate, even though it was hard to tell underneath the mask.

“If something happens to him, I’ll make sure Korse holds you accountable personally,” Gerard added sharply.

The Drac turned around and pulled out a mobile radio.

Ghoul looked up at the clock in the living room. It was 9:08. 

“Shh, it’s gonna be alright now,” Gerard whispered and crouched down in front of him. “They’ll be here in a few minutes.”

Ghoul swallowed hard. Gerard had executed their part of the plan perfectly. They’d even gotten the Dracs to call the ambulance themselves, so they wouldn’t question it pulling up. But there was no way of knowing if Jet and Mikey had managed to fulfil their part of the plan.

The throbbing pain in Ghoul’s leg made it hard to concentrate. He felt his heartbeat pounding in his throat and he was scared. He wanted to reach out to Gerard so they would hold him, because as always, they seemed to have the situation so much more under control than Ghoul.

But they stood up again, turning to the door that the Drac had left open.

“What are you waiting for?” they barked. “One of you get down there. You think the paramedics got a keycard for the elevator? I don’t want a fucking second wasted, they need to get up here.”

Ghoul exhaled soundly. The use of the elevator was another thing he hadn’t taken into consideration yet, but of course Gerard had thought about that as well.

“Imma grab you some clothes for the hospital,” they told Ghoul, loud enough for the Dracs to hear. Ghoul knew that their backpack was already set up in the bedroom, but it made sense for Gerard to hurry off now to pretend this whole thing was happening spontaneously. He hated that they left him alone though.

He stared at the clock on the wall and tried to ignore the pain in his leg. It was 9:10. Jet and Mikey should get here within the next two minutes, the real ambulance within five. It was important that Jet and Mikey got here first.

Gerard returned from the bedroom, dropping the backpack on the floor before crouching down in front of Ghoul again.

“It’s going to be alright, they’ll be here, they’ll be here soon, baby,” Gerard whispered.

They looked at the clock and Ghoul followed their gaze. The time changed from 9:12 to 9:13. He noticed the tension in their shoulders.

“They’re gonna be here soon,” he said, repeating it like a mantra now that Gerard had fallen silent.

He told himself that they were just late. It didn’t mean they had gotten caught. He pictured Jet at the facility. If they’d gotten him, it would be Ghoul’s fault. He had asked him to come back. He should have told him to stay the fuck away instead.

There was a noise from the door and Gerard jumped up, hurrying over to the front door.

Ghoul couldn’t see what was happening from his place on the floor and he felt angry and helpless. He watched Gerard closely and saw the relief washing over their face.

“Quick, he’s over here!” they yelled.

Two people entered the room pushing a gurney and it took Ghoul a moment to recognise them, even though the costumes were anything but convincing. He’d never seen Jet dressed in white before. The paramedic outfit was somewhat too small for him, his long hair tied back into a neat ponytail that almost hid his curls completely. The eyepatch gave him away though and Ghoul was surprised that the Dracs didn’t stop him, but some joys were kept in Bat City after their reprogramming, so maybe the sight of injuries wasn’t as uncommon as he made it out to be.

If it hadn’t been for his leg, he would have jumped up to rush towards Jet.

He barely even paid attention to Mikey, whose face was mostly hidden behind a medical face mask anyway. His movements looked jerky and awkward.

“Get him on that thing, we need to take him to the hospital. He was shot and it was healing, but he was bleeding again this morning and has a high fever and I don’t know what to do, please, you have to take him to the hospital immediately.”

Gerard’s voice was shrill and Ghoul wondered why the fuck they were even sharing all of this. He did feel feverish and wished they would shut up for a second, but then the Dracs probably felt the same and it kept their attention on Gerard.

“Well, if he shows up, tell him I’m not coming into work, I’m taking him to the hospital and I’m not leaving his side until I know he’s alright,” Gerard hissed in the background as Jet lowered the gurney next to Ghoul.

He pushed his hands under Ghoul’s arms and Ghoul wanted to say something, he wanted to lean into the touch, but Jet barely let on any sign of recognition.

“One, two, three,” he said and the sound of his familiar voice so close made Ghoul cry harder.

He lifted him up, dragging him onto the gurney awkwardly. Ghoul was pretty sure that professional paramedics would work together, but Mikey just stood by; either not sure how to touch Ghoul or unwilling to do it.

Ghoul did his best to drag his legs onto the gurney, even though it hurt like a bitch and he felt close to passing out. 

Once he was on top of the gurney, he fell back, panting from exhaustion.

“Clear the way, clear the fucking way, Destroya, are you stupid?” Gerard ordered and Jet wasted no time to move the gurney.

Every small bump they hit sent another jolt of pain through Ghoul’s body and he was wincing and whining, not trying to hold his voice back, since he knew it would only add to the overall dramatic effect.

He wanted to look at Jet, but he was behind him, so he stared at the white ceiling instead. Everything felt like a blur. He wasn’t sure where Gerard was, but he heard their voice close by. His heart was still pounding violently. He was scared they would be forced to stay behind. They couldn’t leave Gerard behind. But there was nothing he could do. He couldn’t fight the Dracs, he couldn’t even get off this fucking gurney by himself.

They entered the elevator. They were actually inside the fucking elevator, he hadn’t believed they would make it this far.

He tried to sit up, wanting to check if everyone was there.

“Gee?” he called out.

“I’m here, I’m here, sugar,” Gerard assured him. They had the backpack slung over one shoulder and were trying to shake off two Dracs. “There’s not enough space. Can’t you get off my fucking back for once? I’m not leaving him.”

The Dracs stayed by their side though and Ghoul briefly caught their eyes, wide and haunted and for a moment he feared they would stay behind to make escaping easier for them, so he just shook his head, and then Gerard entered the elevator. They were followed by the guard Dracs who never let them out of sight.

They kept their back straight, holding out their keycard and pressing the button for the ground floor.

It was cramped inside the elevator. The gurney with Ghoul on it took up most of the space, Gerard was standing close to the Dracs. They weren’t supposed to be here, Ghoul had no idea how to get rid of them.

He wanted to take Jet’s hand, he could feel it close to his shoulder, warm and comforting. But he couldn’t risk giving them away, so he reached out to grab Gerard’s hand instead, because he needed to hold on to someone.

“It’s alright, sugar, you’re gonna be alright,” Gerard mumbled, squeezing Ghoul’s hand, not pulling back although holding hands was impractical. It was completely silent inside the elevator otherwise.

Finally, the elevator stopped and the doors slid open.

The Dracs were blocking the way and for a moment Ghoul feared they wouldn’t step aside, but they left first and held the front doors of the building open for them. Ghoul still felt scared and panicked, but it was mixed with a sense of pride. Only Gerard could have achieved this.

They had let go of Ghoul’s hand, making sure to stay close to his side anyway.

The ambulance was parked in the middle of the road right in front of the building, doors still open.

Ghoul winced as they lifted him into the back of the ambulance. Gerard jumped in last and Jet swirled around, holding his hand out authoritatively as the Dracs moved to get in as well.

“Only one person is allowed to ride with the patient,” he said sternly and Ghoul was impressed by the steady sound of his voice. Jet was known for his nerves of steel, that was why people trusted him with surgery out in the Zones. He kept a steady hand even under pressure.

The Dracs did stop, obviously hesitant and Ghoul held his breath. Maybe they would actually get away with this. But they were interrupted by the sound of screeching tires and when Ghoul looked out onto the street, he saw a black car approaching fast.

“Fuck,” Gerard swore. “Guns?”

Ghoul took a moment to process the word, and so did the Dracs apparently. 

“First aid kit,” Jet yelled, already drawing his own Raygun from the back of his pants.

Gerard leapt forward, getting out another Raygun hidden inside the otherwise empty first aid kit. When they spun around, Jet had already ghosted the first Drac and Gerard caught the second one right before he was able to take aim. They had to fire their gun twice, hitting him in the shoulder and only managing to get him in the head on the second try.

The car was close enough now for Ghoul to tell that it wasn’t a standard model. This one obviously belonged to a Crow, and he already knew which one.

“Go, go, go!” Gerard shouted. “I’m covering.”

Jet jumped out of the ambulance, just barely able to dodge a laser beam.

Gerard took aim again and the car started swerving, pulling to a stop shortly before it reached the ambulance. They had managed to bust a tire.

The door opened and Korse got out of the driver’s seat, Raygun already drawn.

Ghoul looked around for another weapon, because Gerard was just pointing their gun at Korse without pulling the trigger. Mikey had sat down at the back of the ambulance, looking pale and like he was barely there at all.

A door fell shut with a loud bang, meaning Jet had made it to the driver’s cab.

Korse jumped onto the footstep of the ambulance, his dark coat swaying behind him.

He assessed the situation only for a second before aiming his Raygun straight at Ghoul’s head. He seemed slightly out of breath.

“Get out of here,” Gerard said, low and threatening. “Don’t make me shoot you.”

“Could you?” Korse asked, his eyes flickering over Gerard briefly before returning to Ghoul. He kept his eyes where his gun was pointed. This time, it wasn’t for show. “Because I can shoot him, but I don’t think you could shoot me.”

Gerard’s hand wasn’t trembling, but Ghoul still assumed that Korse was right. If they were able to shoot him, they would have ghosted him by now.

Ghoul kept his eyes on Gerard, willing them to find a way out of this. He wasn’t sure why Jet hadn’t hit the gas yet, maybe he was able to see them in the rearview mirror. If he started the ambulance abruptly, Korse would probably fall off, but Gerard was standing dangerously close to the door as well.

“If you come back inside, I’ll let them go,” Korse said.

Ghoul was surprised by how genuine he sounded. He knew that Bli needed Gerard, but he doubted the situation was severe enough for bargaining yet. They were still in the city centre and barely armed.

He assumed that Korse was stalling. The longer they waited around, the more likely it was for backup to arrive.

“They’ll take care of Mikey. He’ll be alright,” Korse added.

His tone was irritatingly gentle and for a moment, Ghoul wondered if that was what Korse wanted, too, a part of him at least, the part that was slightly less fucked up. Maybe he wanted Mikey to be happy.

Ghoul waited for Gerard’s reaction. Surely, they would find a way out of this somehow.

They lowered their Raygun.

“Please don’t make me go back,” they said softly.

“It’s going to be alright. I’ll tell the Director you weren’t involved. I’ll tell her they are not worth going after. No consequences, I promise. Just get out of the ambulance and no one will get hurt. It’s just us, no one else has to know”

Ghoul had always thought that Korse was a worse liar than Gerard. Right now, he sounded like he meant it.

“It’s just us, babe,” Gerard echoed and for a moment, Ghoul wasn’t sure who they were talking to. They were still looking at Korse. “We can tell this story however we want. You could come.”

Ghoul’s heart skipped a beat. They couldn’t possibly mean it.

Korse turned to look at Gerard, searching their face. He was still aiming his Raygun at Ghoul, but he seemed a little less determined now that Gerard had lowered their weapon.

“It’s not safe out there,” Korse said, which was really the last thing Ghoul had expected. “Not for people like us. It’s safer to play by their rules, Gee. You can survive here.”

Gerard’s shoulders slumped down a fraction.

“I’m done surviving, Korse,” they said. “I want to fucking live. Isn’t that what you saved me for?”

Ghoul tasted something metallic on his tongue. For a few heartbeats, it was entirely silent.

“Let me live,” Gerard asked quietly.

“And if I let you go, will you promise to lay low? Will you disappear?” It was impossible to read Korse’s tone.

Gerard snorted.

“No, honey. I’ll raise fucking hell when I get out of here. But it will be a lot more interesting than being stuck in purgatory. For both of us. You always wanted an equal. Set me free and I’ll show you a good time, baby.”

Korse stayed silent for another moment, just looking at Gerard. Standing on the footstep, he had to look up at them.

“You should knock me out. It will buy you two to three minutes before I can request backup,” he said. Then he lowered his Raygun.

Gerard nodded and changed the grip on their gun without wasting any time. They took a step forward and Ghoul wanted to hold them back. They shouldn’t get within reach of Korse. It had to be a trick.

“But Gerard?”

Gerard was standing right in front of Korse now, shielding him from Ghoul’s view.

“If you leave, you’re on your own. I will no longer protect you.”

“We’ll see about that, sugar.” Ghoul could tell that Gerard was wearing their smug grin as they raised their arm. “I know you have a soft spot for me.”

There was a moment of silence as they seemed to lock eyes, but both of their faces were hidden from Ghoul’s view. He wished he knew what was going on inside either one of them.

“Love you,” Gerard said, then they brought down their arm and pistol whipped Korse so hard, that his body went slack and he fell off the footstep.

Gerard didn’t waste another second once he hit the pavement; they grabbed the doors and slammed them shut.

“Go, Jet!” Ghoul yelled, hoping Jet could hear him at the front. His voice sounded hoarse.

The engine roared as Jet hit the gas.

Gerard dropped onto their knees next to the gurney, pulling up their backpack. The ambulance took a corner and they struggled to keep their balance, getting out the painkillers. They had packed efficiently, the meds were right on top.

“Here,” they said and handed Ghoul a painkiller, who placed it on his tongue.

“What was that ‘bout?” he asked sharply. He felt betrayed and weirdly jealous, but mostly confused, because he still didn’t understand the depth of their relationship. He wondered if that was how Korse felt about him too, and if that was the reason why he had shot him.

“Told ya it was complicated,” Gerard mumbled and got bandages from the backpack. “How are ya holding up, Mikes?”

Mikey didn’t reply, still keeping close to the wall. He looked pale and just like Gerard when they were trying not to let their distress show.

Gerard looked up at him briefly. 

“You did good so far. Can you keep going? We’re not in the clear yet and I need to take care of Ghoul right now.”

Ghoul’s stomach took an unpleasant leap. He wanted to believe that they were safe already, but he knew that they weren’t yet.

They rounded another corner way too fast and the gurney hit the wall. He felt dizzy and the sweet taste of the painkiller filled his mouth, but at least the pain was subsiding. In a few minutes, the fever would go down, too.

Mikey gave a short nod.

“Okay. I love you,” Gerard said matter-of-factly before turning back to Ghoul. “This will hurt. I will patch you up now, but you’ll probably need to have the stitches redone later.”

Ghoul nodded. “Jet’ll do it,” he said through gritted teeth.

Gerard started to remove the soaked bandage and Ghoul risked a brief glance at the wound. Some of the stitches had loosened, but the bleeding wasn’t nearly as bad as it had been the day he’d been shot.

“Gonna clean this a little,” Gerard announced and got out a bottle of water. They had packed very well.

They started cleaning the wound as quickly and efficiently as possible. Ghoul winced, pain flaring up with every bump in the road and every time Gerard touched him. They wrapped a new bandage around his thigh, focused on their hands instead of looking up at Ghoul.

Once they were done, they reached for their Raygun again.

The ambulance pulled to a stop.

“Mikey, are you with me? I need you to come here and help Ghoul,” Gerard commanded in a firm voice. They didn’t sound unfriendly, but very decisive. “He can’t walk on his own and I need my hands for shooting.”

It took a moment, but Mikey got up slowly. Ghoul wished they could cut him a break, but he also knew they had to get out of here soon.

“Thanks,” he said briefly as Mikey offered his arm to help him up.

Gerard got into position in front of the door, holding up their gun. But when the doors opened, it was only Jet staring at them. They had parked in a small side street, the walls dirty and illuminated by neon signs in the middle of the day. Ghoul could smell the Lobby. Behind Jet, he saw the outlines of the Am covered by tarp.

Gerard lowered their gun and Ghoul let go of Mikey’s arm, stumbling forward, the painkillers numbing him enough to not care about the throbbing in his leg.

“Jet,” he said and Jet got onto the footstep, catching Ghoul before he could lose his balance.

“Ghoul, thank the Witch, ‘s really you.”

Jet wrapped his arms around him and the embrace felt safe and familiar and Ghoul just let himself slump against him, crying into Jet’s shoulder. He inhaled the smell of sand and sunscreen and sweat and motor oil and everything that made him think of home.

“Knew I’d get ya home,” Jet said and stepped back, lifting Ghoul out of the ambulance. He’d always been strong enough to carry him and Ghoul just held on tighter, unwilling to ever let go again.

“I missed ya,” he sniffled.

“Missed ya, too.” Jet’s hand felt large on his back. It made him feel young again.

Finally he let go, knowing they didn’t have time to waste. He looked over to where Gerard was guiding Mikey over to the Am, a hand firmly placed on their brother’s back.

“Ya already met Mikey,” Ghoul said and gestured into their direction. “‘N this ‘s Gerard.”

“Recognised the face,” Jet said and nodded at Gerard.

“I’ve heard so much about you already, Starshine,” Gerard said and pressed their hand to their chest. “Ghoulie never mentioned that you’re so handsome though. You’re so tall and strong, bet ya could lift me like that, too.”

Jet stared at Gerard. Ghoul couldn’t help snorting with laughter. Jet didn’t look irritated but outright horrified.

“Keep your pants on. We gotta get outta here,” he said and nodded at the Am.

Jet moved to pull off the tarp. Gerard let out a whistle and tapped the car roof. 

“Shotgun,” they said.

“That’s not …” Jet turned to look at Ghoul as if searching for help. “We don’t …”

“Let ‘em ride up front,” Ghoul said. “I’m injured ‘n Mikey can’t shoot.”

Jet nodded, still looking irritated. Even in the middle of a getaway, Gerard somehow still managed to be a lot.

They turned gentler though as soon as Jet opened the door to let them climb into the backseat. They guided Mikey inside and held their hand out to Ghoul to help him get into the Am awkwardly.

In the distance, the sound of roaring engines was getting louder. There usually wasn’t a lot of traffic in Bat City. He was pretty sure that those cars were coming for them.

He let himself sink into the backseat as Gerard got in on the passenger side and Jet started the car. Out in the open, they would be able to lose the Exterminators, since the Am went faster than the regular Bli vehicles. But they had to make it out of the narrow side streets of the Lobby first.

Ghoul looked at Mikey, who had curled up in on himself. He really wished he knew how to comfort him.

Instead, he turned towards the rear window to keep an eye on the road. The streets were mostly deserted, since the day was only just kicking into gear. The Lobby was mostly known for its nightlife.

Eventually, the first white van pulled up behind them though.

“We’ve got company,” he announced. “Aim for ‘em tires. Don’t use the bomb within city limits. Too many civilians.”

“I know, sugar.” Gerard rolled down their window.

Jet opened the roof overhead. “‘S easier if ya stand.”

“‘S too dangerous,” Ghoul protested. “They’re too close, ya’ll make an easy target.”

The thought of Gerard getting shot made his heart pound painfully hard. He wished he could stand. He wanted to take the risk instead.

“One shot is all we need. One car blocking the road will buy us time,” Gerard insisted. They were right of course, the streets were too narrow for the cars to pass each other. If they managed to stop one, the ones behind it would have to take a detour.

“Eyes on the road, keep her steady, babe.” 

Jet scoffed, Gerard got up on their seat and Ghoul grabbed the door handle, praying to the Witch that she would look the other way.

Gerard fired several shots before Ghoul heard the screeching of tires behind them.

He only exhaled with relief once Gerard slumped down on the front seat again, seemingly unscarred.

They tilted back their head and laughed, loud and unhinged and it seemed inappropriate, but Ghoul heard the tremble beneath that happiness, the tension and fear that had nowhere else to go.

Ghoul reached out to put his hand on Gerard’s shoulder, giving it a light squeeze.

“Almost there,” Jet announced.

Ghoul noticed that the buildings around them looked even more rundown now, which indicated they were reaching the final outskirts of the city. Once they hit the open road, they would be able to go faster, but they would also make an easier target.

“Ya got the bomb?” Ghoul asked.

Gerard pulled up the backpack they had dropped in the legroom, carefully unpacking the explosive Ghoul had wrapped in a kitchen towel. 

“Lighter, too?”

“Ya know it.” Gerard held up the lighter.

“Watch out,” Jet warned and then the Am jolted as they breached the electric field marking the city boundary.

“Welcome to the Zones, fuckers,” Jet said and Gerard let out that tense, loud laughter again.

The sun was beating down on them, the heat instantly became more intense and the light flooded through the car windows.

Ghoul’s eyes started stinging immediately. After all this time in the city, he wasn’t used to the radiation anymore and everything was too bright and hot all of a sudden. He couldn’t imagine what it had to be like for someone who had never experienced it before.

He could only see the back of Gerard’s head, but he looked over at Mikey, who had already turned away from the window with a troubled expression.

“They’re behind us,” Gerard announced.

Ghoul turned to check. One car was hot on their tails.

“Wait,” he instructed Gerard, who already moved to get up. “Wanna blow up a bunch of ‘em, not just the first one.”

Gerard stayed put and Ghoul watched as first two and then three more cars breached the city walls. 

“Jet, slow down.”

“Slow down?” Gerard repeated incredulously.

Ghoul smirked, because it felt nice to finally be better at something than Gerard. He realised that out here in the Zones, there were a couple of things he would be able to teach them.

“Need ‘em to get closer to hit ‘em with the detonation,” he explained. “We’re faster than ‘em, but we gotta be fast enough to get out of their sight. I’ll say when.”

Jet took the foot off the gas and the Am slowed down, allowing the vans to crawl closer. Ghoul kept waiting for more of them to show up, but they seemed to be in the clear for now. Hopefully that meant other runs were scheduled for today as well. If enough vehicles left the city at the same time, Bli might not be able to determine which one to focus on. The fact that there wasn’t a whole army on their heels right now suggested that they didn’t know Gerard was in this car.

“Lighter,” Ghoul said.

Gerard handed him the lighter and held the bomb out to him. Ghoul flicked the lighter and for a moment he feared it wouldn’t work and his heart seemed to stop beating in his chest. But then the flame sprung to life. He inhaled deeply, holding it to the fuse.

“Up!” he yelled.

Gerard stood immediately, shakily because the road was uneven, causing the Am to jump and rattle. 

Ghoul stared at the bomb in their hands for a second. They were just holding on to it with their perfectly manicured hands, waiting for Ghoul’s command, because they trusted him so much, they’d risk blowing themself up.

“Three, two, now!” Ghoul shouted and Gerard chucked the bomb with all they got.

Ghoul wanted to pull them down into the safety of the car, but they remained standing.

So Ghoul looked out the rear window, allowing himself a brief moment to watch the explosion. They were close enough to feel the heat wash over them as the first car blew up, the others following shortly after as the chainreaction spread. The colours were bright and beautiful and Ghoul felt satisfaction, but also something more peaceful, something almost like tranquillity.

“Gas!” he yelled, but Jet already knew what to do. He pressed the gas pedal all the way to the floor and they sped up, leaving the white vans behind in a cloud of slowly settling dust.

“Fuck me, Destroya!” Gerard exclaimed and got down again, kneeling on their seat so they were facing Ghoul.

Their hair was ruffled and Ghoul thought that he could smell the grime on them.

“Ya improvised that in my kitchen?”

Ghoul felt his face flushing hot as he nodded. Gerard looked at him in awe.

“Can’t wait to see what else ya can do.” Gerard bit their bottom lip and although it wasn’t even that suggestive, Ghoul felt like it might be the flirtiest thing they’d ever told him.

He grinned back like an idiot.

“Think we lost ‘em,” Jet said, glancing at the rearview mirror.

Ghoul looked back. He could still see the dust cloud of the explosion, but they were leaving it behind fast and so far no new cars had appeared.

“Well, that was easy,” Gerard joked with a shit-eating grin.

“Where are we going anyway?” Ghoul wanted to know.

“Refugee shelter in Zone 2 ‘s expecting us. We gotta take the long route though. Lots of folk’s incoming today,” Jet said.

“‘Kay.” Ghoul kept looking out the window.

It was common to schedule mass escapes and it was just as common that every vehicle took a different route to its destination to make them harder to track.

“Hey, Mikey, Mikes. The worst is over now, yeah?”

Gerard leaned over the backrest to get to their brother, who was still making himself as small as possible.

“He alright?” Jet asked. “He helped me with the ambulance, but went quiet after.”

“It’s a stress reaction. He’ll be alright. He just needs to rest.” Gerard’s tone was light, but Ghoul caught the line of worry around their lips.

“Anything we can do?” he asked. “Hey, Jet, ya got sunglasses in here?”

“Glovebox.”

Gerard immediately leaned forward to search the glovebox, pulling up a pair of sunglasses. “Brilliant!”

They handed them to Ghoul, who gently nudged Mikey until he accepted them. He actually seemed to relax a little after putting them on, even though he barely reacted otherwise.

“Just let him rest for a while,” Gerard said. “And you get some rest, too. You’re injured. I’ll keep an eye on the road.”

They smiled at Ghoul softly.

Ghoul hesitated, but he felt absolutely destroyed. Even though the painkillers numbed the pain, his body still felt feverish.

He leaned his head against the window and closed his eyes. It was hot and the air was dry and smelled like home, of warm leather and gunpowder.

He stayed like that for a while, not quite asleep, but allowing his body to rest. He wasn’t sure how long he kept his eyes shut, but it seemed to grow warmer inside the car. Usually, they tried not to stay out in the midday sun. When he blinked, his eyes hurt. He wished he had a pair of sunglasses too, but he figured that Mikey needed them more urgently. At some point, a can of soda was passed around. It was lukewarm and tasted uncannily sweet and chemical. Ghoul had kind of missed the taste.

“Why did you run away in your underwear?” Mikey suddenly said.

Ghoul startled out of his haze and looked at him. Mikey was still wearing his sunglasses, which made it even harder than usual to read his expression. The fact that this was the first thing he’d chosen to say at all made it pretty clear that he was being a little shit though.

“Ask your fucking sibling.”

Gerard turned in the front seat, grinning at them widely. Their eyes looked bloodshot, but if they were suffering, they didn’t let it show.

“Just seemed more efficient that way.”

“‘S usually more efficient to wear clothes,” Ghoul muttered. His bare thighs were sticking to the leather of the car seat.

Gerard bit their bottom lip before licking it slowly. “Oh, you and I have a very different imagination, sugar.”

Ghoul scoffed, even though he felt himself blushing. At the same time, he felt something fluttering in his stomach. Usually, Gerard’s flirting made him feel equally anxious and excited, but it was different now. They weren’t in the city anymore. Liking Gerard wasn’t dangerous anymore. He thought that if it wasn’t for Jet and Mikey, he’d probably be kissing Gerard silly right now.

“How are you, Mikes?” Gerard asked.

Mikey groaned.

“Fair enough.” Gerard nodded. “You did a great job though. Everyone here did. We wouldn’t have made it otherwise.”

Ghoul wasn’t sure if he felt amused or sentimental about their tone. Gerard sounded serious and encouraging. He could imagine that they praised their staff like that after a long day of shooting.

“Anyway, ya outta there now. Gotta choose new names for yourself,” Jet said, keeping his eyes on the road.

“Oh, right!” Gerard grinned. “I forgot ‘bout that.”

Ghoul had forgotten about it as well. It was hard to picture Gerard as anyone but Gerard. That was what people knew them as.

“Kobra,” Mikey said.

Ghoul giggled. “T’was fast.”

Mikey shrugged. “Thought about it before we left. I wanna be Kobra.”

“Good name,” Jet agreed. “A Kobra’s dangerous.”

Gerard put their chin on the backrest, eyeing their brother affectionately. “T’was always your favourite as a child, too. Had so many facts memorised.”

“Ya need a second name though,” Ghoul chimed in. “Can be based just on sound. But lotta people choose contrasting names. ‘S like a name for battle, ‘n a name for your family. Like, a Ghoul’s a monster, but a Fun Ghoul’s just a silly guy. ‘N Jet is like some sort of coal, completely night black. But stars shine at night, so Jet Star’s someone who shines a light even in total darkness.”

“Aw, Ghoul,” Jet muttered quietly.

“I don’t know,” Mikey said.

“I know!” Gerard slapped their palm onto the backrest. “Ya always be my kid brother. I’ll always keep ya safe, kiddo.”

“Kobra Kid,” Ghoul said. “‘S a pretty good name. ‘S got a ring to it.”

“Can’t I just go by Kobra?”

“Ya can go by whatever ya want, Kid,” Ghoul joked. Kobra gave him a long, hard look from behind his sunglasses. 

“What ‘bout you?” Ghoul turned towards Gerard.

Gerard pouted, looking indecisive.

“I dunno. I’ve been …” They cleared their throat. “I’ve been theirs for so long, I dunno who I am yet.”

“Hm.” Ghoul hummed quietly, suppressing the urge to take their hand, because he was very aware of the fact that Jet was watching. He wanted to convince him that Gerard could be trusted and he wouldn’t achieve that by looking smitten to the afterlife and back.

“Ya don’t have to pick a name immediately. Folks often take their time,” Jet said. Ghoul had missed him and the way he always tried to mediate.

They pulled up to a large factory compound. It looked abandoned, the windows covered by old newspapers or nailed shut altogether. Ghoul knew that it was to keep the sun out as well as prying eyes.

The metal gate stood open, probably because they had been expecting company today.

Jet pulled into one of the car parks, where the Am would be hidden from view if drones flew by overhead.

“Home sweet home,” he muttered and killed the engine.

Ghoul had been here a couple of times before. He’d spent a lot of time at refugee shelters during the past years. They always needed helping hands and settling down somewhere alone with Jet had always felt like a lonely prospect. Both of them liked to keep busy and the newbies needed to be trained both in medical care and basic explosives.

He climbed out of the car, followed by Kobra, who kept his shades on even in the shadowy car park.

As soon as he stood, his hand still against the roof of the Am for support, Gerard grabbed him by the shoulders. Ghoul had assumed they’d gotten close to help, but instead they pulled him in so abruptly that he stumbled into them.

They leaned down and planted a hard kiss directly on his lips.

Ghoul snorted with laughter and tried to swat them away, Gerard’s lips curling against his in a goofy grin. It was hard to tell if they were kissing or giggling and it felt sweet and silly, but not sexual in the slightest.

Gerard pulled back and let him go. “Made it,” they said and Ghoul laughed, but he couldn’t help feeling a little disappointed. When Gerard had asked for a kiss after their escape, he had pictured it differently.

“We made it,” Gerard repeated louder and threw back their head laughing.

“No need to harass Ghoul,” Kobra pointed out dryly and Gerard turned towards their brother, a mischievous sparkle in their eyes.

“Oh, you’re next, honey,” they warned and dashed forward with an unhinged energy Ghoul had never seen before. He wondered if this was what it looked like when Gerard was happy.

Kobra tried to take a step back, but Gerard caught him, for once not respecting his personal space. They grabbed Kobra by the neck and placed a row of kisses across his cheek, only stopping once he started squirming.

Jet laughed, but he realised his mistake immediately when Gerard swirled around and narrowed his eyes at him.

“Oh no,” he whispered and then he did the silliest thing Ghoul had ever seen: he broke into a little jog to get the Am between him and Gerard. Ghoul cracked up.

“Come here, handsome, don’t be shy,” Gerard teased, pulling up their shoulders like a predator getting ready to jump. “I’ll go easy on the tongue.”

“Ghoul,” Jet said accusingly, like this was somehow his fault.

Ghoul laughed. “I tried teaching ‘em ‘bout consent, but they’re a slow learner.” 

He told himself that he wasn’t feeling the least bit jealous. They were clearly just fooling around.

Gerard turned their head and stuck out their tongue.

“Come on, quit stalling.” Ghoul smiled softly and waved Gerard closer. They dropped their shoulders immediately and their grin turned a little less aggressive, which was the only sign that betrayed they were actually nervous. It almost felt as if they had tried to get into character for what would happen next. “Time to meet the killjoys.”

Chapter Text

“Open up, Pony, ‘s us, Jet ‘n Ghoul,” Jet told the speaker and was answered by a buzz.

He held the door open for Ghoul, who made it halfway down the corridor, before Show Pony crashed into him and rubbed their knuckles against the top of his head.

“Lil’ detonator’s home,” they chimed. “All thought the Witch made Jet lose his damn mind when he heard your voice in the static. Glad to have ya back.”

“Glad to be back,” Ghoul said and wrestled himself out of their chokehold.

“Had Cracker from Zone 3 do a few jobs for us, but it ain’t the same.”

Ghoul growled low in his throat. “Never trust a demolition expert with only three fingers left, everyone knows that, Pony.”

Pony laughed, their arm still slung around him, so he was able to lean on them for support. 

“Anyway, brought some souvenirs from the city. T’is Kobra Kid over there, ‘n pretty face here goes by Gerard ‘til they pick a new name.”

Pony nodded. “‘S good to have ya. You’re the last new arrivals for today, already feared you’d gotten ghosted out on the road. Name’s Show Pony.”

“Lovely to meet ya,” Gerard said and extended their hand and for a moment Pony just stared, seemingly unable to comprehend that Gerard expected them to shake it. “Every friend of Ghoulie's is someone I desperately wanna impress.”

“Ghoulie, yeah?” Pony repeated and hesitantly took Gerard’s hand, because they made no move to pull it back. Gerard beamed.

“Imma take Ghoul to the nursery,” Jet said. “He needs stitches. Could ya show ‘em around in the meantime?”

Pony looked them over for a moment and Ghoul suddenly grew self-conscious. He was still in his underwear, blood had soaked through the bandage on his leg again. Kobra and Jet were in their ill-fitted paramedic uniforms, and only Gerard looked like their clothes actually belonged on their body. Their uniform had the Scarecrow logo on it.

“We gotta get ya out of these clothes,” Pony concluded and waved them down the corridor. “C’mon, we get donations all the time, ya can pick something for yourself.”

Ghoul smiled. Changing into something entirely their own was usually the first thing new arrivals in the Zones did. He would have liked to watch Gerard pick a new outfit for themself, but Jet was right and tending to his injury was more important right now.

“I kept your stuff ‘round,” Jet said quietly and a wave of emotions rose in Ghoul’s chest. Jet had kept his stuff. This whole time, he had believed that Ghoul would find his way back home.

“Thanks, man,” he mumbled. He watched Gerard and Kobra trot after Pony, Gerard turning to look at Ghoul over their shoulder one last time as if they didn’t feel entirely comfortable leaving him. Ghoul felt guilty, because he had promised that he would watch out for them, but he trusted Pony.

He took Jet’s arm and limped down the corridor, letting Jet lead the way, since he seemed to know his way around.

“Ya been staying here?” Ghoul wanted to know. Walking was still exhausting for him and he sounded somewhat breathless.

“Wasn’t sure where else to go,” Jet confessed. “Pony’s mostly at the station, but they keep an eye on the shelter and they told me they needed volunteers after ya … after I thought ya …”

Ghoul squeezed his arm to assure him that he didn’t have to say it out loud. 

“‘S alright now,” he said. “I’m back.”

Jet led him into the nursery that was currently empty and made him sit down on a hospital bed. The painkiller was still in effect, but Ghoul winced anyway when Jet undid the bandage that Gerard had put on him in the ambulance.

The light inside the building was dimmed everywhere, the paper in front of the windows blocking out the sunlight. His eyes hurt a little less already.

“Gotta stitch this back up,” Jet announced. “Gonna leave a scar.”

Ghoul snorted. “Ain’t the first.”

Jet paused to ruffle his hair before he went to retrieve a needle. Ghoul had missed these little touches, every brief reassurance that his family was close.

A noise from the door made him look up and the next thing he knew someone was sprinkling him with something.

“What the fuck?” he hissed and picked up one of the small, white grains, licking it to assure that it was indeed salt. “The fuck, Cherri?”

“Heard ya were back. Needed to make sure ya ain’t just a shadow walking ‘round on its own.”

Ghoul rolled his eyes. “I’ll punch ya in the face, then ya know what’s real.”

“‘S really you, fucker.” Cherri laughed and came closer, trying to pull Ghoul into a hug, only to get shooed away by Jet.

“I’m tryna patch him up here, get outta my way.”

“Aye, Doctor Star,” Cherri said with a grin and climbed onto the bed next to Ghoul.

“Whatcha doing here anyway? Everyone moved in here while I was gone?”

Cherri shook his head. “Just dropped off a bunch of Runners. Lotta rescue missions today, since Bli was occupied. Rumour has it ya brought a celebrity into our humble halls?”

“They’ll make sure it ain’t just a rumour for much longer.” Ghoul snorted. “They like attention.”

He hissed again as Jet stitched up his leg, gritting his teeth to stay silent. The wound had been healing quickly in Bat City, but out here it would take a while for him to recover.

“Cherri, go grab one of Dr. D’s crutches, they’re in the back,” Jet said while ripping open a new bandage to wrap it around Ghoul’s leg. His thigh was throbbing with fresh pain, but he felt relieved that it was over now.

Cherri got off the bed to fix Ghoul a crutch, and that was a relief too, because it meant he was able to move around on his own again.

He was able to limp through the corridors by himself, following Jet, who led him to a former office room that was now shared by a group of volunteers. Cherri had left for the kitchen since a large group of new arrivals meant they needed all the helping hands they could get.

Jet shared the room with two other people, judged by the mattresses on the floor. Killjoys rarely slept in a room by themselves, even if they stayed together in large groups like they did at the shelter.

Jet had kept pretty much all of Ghoul’s clothes and it was great to slip into something that felt right again. The fabric smelled of gunpowder and the pants had a lot of pockets. The muddy green and brown colours were a lot warmer than the white of the Bli uniforms, too. The simple change of clothes made him feel more like himself again.

Once Jet had changed back into his regular clothes as well, they made their way to ‘the mall’, where they kept clothes of dusted killjoys that their crew had donated for the Runners that came from the city and had nothing to wear but the clothes on their back.

They knocked on the door and after a moment, Show Pony slipped out of the room.

“Does your friend ever shut up?” they asked and looked at Ghoul accusingly.

Ghoul shook his head.

“Anyway, they should be done soon. I gotta get back to guard duty, lock the gate now that you’re back. Ya gonna show ‘em where to sleep ‘n all, yeah? ‘N go grab some food, they put out the good stuff today.”

They rushed down the corridor, as always in a hurry. 

They waited in silence for a moment. Ghoul had missed this, just being silent with Jet Star. Everything felt familiar and strange at the same time.

Finally the door swung open and Gerard stepped out of the room. Ghoul had assumed they would go all out once given the chance, but they were dressed in a casual, worn-out shirt in bright blue that spelled out the word ‘California’ across their chest, flip-flops and potentially the shortest shorts Ghoul had ever seen on a person. For a moment, he just stared at their pale legs before looking back up at their face again.

He realised they were staring at him, too. He also realised they had never seen him in anything but Bli’s standard clothes before. His face felt hot.

“Oh, hi, Ghoulie. Colour looks good on you,” they mumbled and Ghoul caught the pink blush spreading across their cheekbones.

They turned to Jet. “On you, too, Starshine. Black flatters your biceps.”

Jet clearly had no idea what to reply and Ghoul could hardly blame him. Getting used to Gerard could take a while.

His eyes fell on Kobra standing behind Gerard. He was still wearing his sunglasses even indoors, and his outfit was more colourful than Ghoul would have expected.

“Destroya, Kobes, that’s a sharp jacket,” he observed. The red leather was clinging to his skinny frame and Ghoul felt overcome by a slight wave of envy. Kobra looked cool.

“By the Witch, love the outfit,” Jet agreed. “The red’s shiny.”

“Right? Told ya it looked amazing,” Gerard chimed and looked at Kobra proudly.

“C’mon, I’ll show ya where ya can sleep.” Jet nodded down the corridor.

Ghoul felt the sting of guilt. Gerard had complimented all of their outfits, but had gotten nothing in return. It felt just like it had in Bat City, where they were constantly the only one giving their love away.

“Hey,” Ghoul said quietly and grabbed their wrist as Jet started walking and Kobra followed.

Gerard froze, looking startled and worried like they were expecting bad news.

Ghoul pulled them closer, so he could lower his voice further. “‘Em shorts look good on ya.”

He expected Gerard to look smug, but their smile seemed soft and surprised.

Ghoul licked his lips. “Especially on your ass.” He wasn’t quite sure what had sparked the sudden burst of confidence, but he assumed it was because he no longer needed to hold back. He was home, he was in control here and there was no reason to feel insecure around Gerard anymore.

“Well, thanks,” Gerard whispered, but Ghoul noticed the smallest hesitation in their grin, as if they felt irritated by Ghoul coming on so strong. It was all a lot for them right now and he should give them time to adjust instead of adding one more thing to be overwhelmed by.

“Sorry,” he muttered and cleared his throat.

Gerard chuckled and tugged at his hand. “Come on, let’s go. Ya can watch me from behind.”

Ghoul scoffed, but because he was using the crutch, he was slower than the rest of them anyway and he couldn’t prevent his eyes trailing down to Gerard’s ass. It did look good in those shorts.

“These are the volunteer rooms,” Jet explained. “We’ll switch around, so ya can share the room with Ghoul and I. ‘S calmer back here, more private.”

“But it’s not where the new arrivals usually sleep?” Gerard asked.

Jet shrugged. “They share a room down the hall.”

“Then we’ll sleep there, too. No special treatment. Will be hard enough for us to fit in as is. Ghoul’s a joy, but me ‘n Kobra are not. Gotta earn our place like everyone else.”

“Kobra …” Ghoul started, but Gerard shook their head.

“I’ll watch over Kobra. We’ll stay together. Show us where to go.”

Jet looked at Ghoul as if waiting for his approval, but Gerard’s tone had made it pretty clear that they wouldn’t change their mind anyway.

“Show ‘em,” Ghoul muttered and Jet led the way to a room much larger than the office. It must have been a conference room once, but the furniture had been removed. There were only a few mattresses on the floor, it was mostly covered by blankets and bedrolls. It was a lot less comfortable than the volunteer rooms. Ghoul almost expected Gerard to change their mind. They would have to share the room with at least twenty other people.

“That will do,” Gerard said. “Sorry, Kid, but trust me on this.”

Ghoul shook his head at their stubbornness and looked at Jet, who was frowning slightly. He obviously didn’t understand Gerard’s decision either, which made Ghoul feel a little less stupid. They should take the special treatment when it was offered to them. They were special after all.

“Let’s head down to the cafeteria, they’re handing out early dinner today,” Jet said.

“I can’t wait to taste authentic Zone dishes.” Gerard grinned.

“Don’t expect too much,” Ghoul said. “Tastes like dog food most of the time. Sometimes it is.”

They had to take the stairs and Ghoul struggled with his crutch, but he refused to let Jet carry him. He would be handicapped for a while after all and he had to learn to move around the place by himself.

The room they entered must have been the cafeteria in a previous lifetime as well. Long rows of tables were lined up and food was given out near the kitchen, but a lot of space had been cleared to make room for run-down rugs and armchairs, creating an improvised community space.

The tables were nearly empty, but a large group of people occupied the lounge area. It wasn’t hard to identify them as newly arrived city folks, even though they had already changed into the colourful clothes of the Zones. They looked clean and frightened and none of them were armed. They were talking to each other in hushed voices, aside from a group of younger kids, who were laughing and playing catch. The kids were always quicker to adjust, since they weren’t drugged yet. The adults all looked scared and cautious.

“Sit down, Imma get some food,” Jet said and Ghoul was relieved to sit down at the table, stretching out his injured leg.

Gerard sat down next to him, eyeing Kobra across the table.

“You doing alright?” they asked quietly.

Kobra nodded. He didn’t take off his sunglasses nor his leather jacket, although it was quite hot in the cafeteria.

Ghoul watched Gerard scan the room, clearly attentive and on edge. Some people were staring at them and it made Ghoul feel queasy. He wasn’t used to being the centre of attention. Gerard kept their back very straight while looking perfectly at ease. It was the kind of posture that probably took a lot of practice.

Jet returned to the table with four cans of soda and a loaf of cut bread. He also carried butter and Kraft Singles on a tray, alongside some homegrown tomatoes. For a shelter, anything that was fresh counted as luxury.

Gerard went straight for the bread, looking happy enough with the selection. Ghoul followed their example. He had skipped breakfast and lunch and was starving by now.

“So, what is this place?” Gerard asked. They were talking and chewing at the same time and it made Ghoul smile fondly, because even by desert standards, their manners were awful.

“‘S a shelter,” Jet explained. “First contact point for city folks if they make it out. We organise regular rescue missions, collecting Runners from the Lobby, who don’t know where to go. They stay here for a while, before they form their own crew or join an existing one. Some just stick around to help the newbies.”

“How long do they usually stay?” Gerard wanted to know.

Jet frowned, as if their questioning was somehow suspicious, but Ghoul knew that Gerard just liked to be well informed to adjust accordingly.

“‘S different. The kids usually don’t stay as long as the adults.”

“Withdrawal,” Ghoul said quietly. “T’is rehab, too. First weeks can be pretty ugly.”

He saw Gerard’s lips setting in a thin line. “Oh,” they said.

“We help ‘em through it as best as we can,” Ghoul explained.

“We offer classes, too,” Jet added. “If they wanna survive out here, they gotta know the basics. How to find food ‘n shelter. How to fire a gun, how to stitch up a wound ‘n how to drive a car.”

“Jet teaches cars ‘n medicine,” Ghoul said, unable to hide his pride. 

“Can you teach me how to drive?” Kobra asked.

“Sure,” Jet confirmed.

Gerard groaned. “I’ll have to learn that, too.”

Ghoul snorted. “Ya can’t drive?”

“Shut up.”

“Fancy Scarecrow training and they didn’t teach ya how to drive?”

“They were trying to keep me from running away, remember?” Gerard mumbled, suddenly sounding dark. Ghoul immediately regretted teasing them.

“At least ya can skip most other classes,” he said.

Gerard hummed, briefly looking at the newbies. The kids had noticed them by now and were whispering and giggling among themselves.

“So we’re gonna stick around for a while?” they asked.

Ghoul exchanged a quick glance with Jet. They hadn’t really made plans yet, but for now it seemed like their best option. He was beginning to have second thoughts, though. There were a lot of people coming and going at a shelter, a lot of people who would see Gerard. He hadn’t expected them to be recognised this quickly. Some of the adults were whispering now, too. They probably wondered what the face of Better Living Industries was doing at a table with a pair of killjoys. Maybe Gerard had been right about how difficult it would be for them to fit in.

“We can make ourselves useful here,” Jet said.

“Yeah,” Gerard agreed, glancing at their audience again. “Those people look scared.”

“They just left behind everything they know,” Ghoul pointed out. Whenever he stopped to think about it, he felt sorry for the people who had risked it all, only to end up at a strange place like this. That was part of the reason he liked working at shelters. The desert wasn’t welcoming, the least they could do was make it a little easier for them.

Gerard nodded and finished their third slice of bread. They had been eating quickly.

A group of kids had snuck closer, their giggling was becoming more audible. Gerard kept their back on them as if they hadn’t noticed at all.

Ghoul studied their profile. They looked tired. Their eyes were still bloodshot, their messy hair made them look soft. He assumed they weren’t going to cut it anytime soon

“Ya should sleep early tonight,” he said softly, talking only to Gerard even though they weren’t alone.

“Yeah, soon.” Gerard turned their head to smile at him and there was something in that smile that Ghoul couldn’t quite read, but he knew that the message was only for him.

Then Gerard straightened their back and spun around on their seat, putting on a smile as bright as a spotlight.

“Ya can come closer, I ain’t gonna bite,” they said and Ghoul turned to see that a girl with braided hair had been braver than the rest of her friends and was standing only a few metres away. Ghoul hadn’t noticed her so far, but Gerard clearly had, even with their back on her.

The girl took a hesitant step forward.

“What’s your name, sugar?”

Gerard was still beaming, lowering themself a little as if to appear less threatening. Their voice was warm, using that special tone that was usually reserved for Kobra.

“Action Cat,” the girl said shyly.

“Awesome name!” Gerard exclaimed. “I still haven’t decided on a name yet, so now I’m a bit jealous. You can call me Gee though. This is my brother Kobra and my friends Jet ‘n Ghoul. I promise, they won’t bite either.”

The girl took another step forward, briefly checking on her friends to make sure they were all witnessing her act of bravery.

“Are you the guy from the TV?”

“Not just the TV, Kitty. I’m on billboards, too.”

The girl giggled and briefly nodded at the group of other kids. Gerard followed her gaze.

“What do you say, you wanna introduce me to your friends?” they asked.

Ghoul felt his chest constricting. He had no idea where Gerard was taking their energy from. It had been a long, stressful day and they had to adjust to a completely new environment. But their tone betrayed none of it, they sounded kind and cheerful and like they were absolutely delighted to make Action Cat’s acquaintance.

The girl nodded and grinned, visibly excited at the prospect of showing Gerard off to the other kids like a shiny new toy she had found.

“Alright, you hear the call,” Gerard said and got up. “Don’t be naughty while I’m gone.”

Ghoul snorted, watching as Action Cat grabbed Gerard’s hand, no longer the least bit intimidated by them, to drag them over to the lounge area. Gerard followed, laughing at something one of the other kids had said.

“They’re good with kids,” he observed, not able to hide his surprise.

He knew that Gerard was good at manipulating people, but kids were usually better at seeing through an act than adults were. Yet they were already swarming Gerard, eyeing them curiously from their armchairs while Gerard sat down on the floor. They seemed to have an invisible spotlight aimed at them.

“They raised me,” Kobra reminded him.

Ghoul felt another painful sting in his chest. He pictured a younger version of Gerard with their little brother, always patient, always funny, no matter how they were feeling at the time, because they had to keep him safe.

He couldn’t tear his eyes away from Gerard, sitting on the floor and gesturing. He could tell that they were being dramatic and charming, that they were soaking up the attention as much as they knew how to hold it.

Some of the adults were shuffling closer, conversations were dying down as they started listening to Gerard. They mimicked a gunshot and a young boy squealed in surprise, gaining laughter and mocking from his peers.

Kobra was asking very specific questions about motorcycles that Jet dutifully answered, but Ghoul wasn’t paying attention to them. He was trying to catch what Gerard was talking about from across the room.

He could tell that they were turning more serious now and he caught single words: propaganda, drugs and lies. Ghoul was pretty sure that they were telling their story, or at least a version of their story; one that exposed Bli’s evil schemes without giving away Gerard’s part in them. They were telling a version of their story that made everyone in this room believe they had made the right call by leaving the city.

Ghoul noticed that even some of the joys on kitchen duty had left their post to get close enough to listen to Gerard. Everyone knew their face, so it made sense people would be curious to know how they had ended up here.

It was unusual for refugees and killjoys to mingle so quickly. The newbies usually stuck to themselves at first and it took time for both sides to trust each other. All their life, the city folks had been taught that the killjoys were dangerous terrorists. And even if they were here to help, the killjoys knew that the newbies were essentially deadweight until they learned to take care of themselves. But right now they were forming a circle around Gerard, united by curiosity and laughter.

“You’re laughing, you’re laughing!” Gerard yelled loud enough for Ghoul to catch it while they pointed at a young red-head. “But have you seen the haircut they gave me? I can excuse brainwashing and systematic oppression, but a bowl cut is where I draw the fucking line.”

Ghoul snorted and shook his head. Gerard was acting shallow as a dry well again, but he could see the effect they were having. The kids were clearly in awe of them and he already knew they would follow Gerard around for days to come, but the change was even more noticeable in the adults. The newbies who had looked so scared and lost half an hour ago were starting to relax, the tension vanished from their shoulders, their laughter sounded relieved rather than nervous. It wasn’t just that Gerard was charming. They were familiar. They were the face that had told them what to think and feel all their lives, and here they were again, telling them once again that things were going to be alright. If Gerard could leave the system behind, anyone could. They were both a comforting constant and the symbol of a new start.

For the first time, Ghoul realised just how much things were going to change.

Gerard gestured at the joys in the audience and one of them stepped forward to explain something. It was usually hard to get the new arrivals to pay attention on their first day, because they were shell-shocked and distrustful, but they were all listening now.

Gerard was still keeping their back very straight and Ghoul doubted that anyone else noticed the tension in their shoulders that betrayed how focused they were and how tired. He was sure that Gerard would have preferred to rest after the day they’d had, but they had chosen this instead. Ghoul couldn’t tell if it was because the people needed the comfort, or because Gerard felt like they had to get on their good side to stay safe; he assumed it was a mixture of both. Maybe it was a persona they had put on, or maybe this was just who Gerard was. He doubted they themself would be able to tell.

Jet suppressed a yawn.

“Don’t know where they got that energy from,” he observed, following Ghoul’s gaze. “‘S like their mouth runs on autopilot.”

“Wait ‘til you meet them after they had a good night of sleep,” Kobra muttered. “They are unbearable.” He was smiling ever so slightly.

Ghoul watched as Gerard got up from the floor and clapped their hands. To his surprise, people slowly started getting up and gathering their bearings. It reminded him of children being sent to sleep after listening to a bedtime story.