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He had been looking forward to coming home, being in his flat, having his books around him and his Gibson, having a pint of English beer and a take away from his favourite Indian restaurant. Most of all though he was looking forward to seeing Robbert Lewis, no matter how much he had cursed him at times over the last few days. It had been so long since he had felt that he had a home to come back to it felt more than good and being away, had reminded him how much he felt like he fitted now, like he had finally found his place.

And if sometimes he felt the old restlessness stalk him, he had Lewis to keep him safely in place, to stop him from drifting and to remind him of why he had wanted to join the police force in the first place. To remind him on the days when the job ground him down that they did do some good, that they made a difference.

It was Robert Lewis who had made the difference to him, at a time when he had been seriously considering whether to stay in the police force. In the most unlikely way, he had found someone who he had felt drawn to almost from the start. A man who loved solving puzzles as much as he did, someone who seemed to understand him and even got his sense of humour. A man who he respected, a man who, after a short time of knowing him, had stood shoulder to shoulder with him and aligned their fates together when he had been looking at demotion.

James had not wanted nor expected love to be part of the equation but there was no denying it now.

After the Beatty case, his feelings had been all over the place, but Lewis had been there with his understated support and gentle humour. James knew how lucky he was to have the man as his friend and boss, any feelings he had beyond that had been kept securely locked away. Until they weren’t…..

Their next case had come in the day after they had arrested Karen Dutton and it had been agonising and unrelenting, two young teens, lost forever to their families in a sadistic and pointless crime, long hours, grieving angry relatives, no respite. And one night at Robbie’s flat an argument about a suspect had erupted into fervent kisses and desperate scrambling to remove clothing. Both of them strung out from too many adrenaline highs and crashing lows in the case, suspects identified and chased down only for it to lead nowhere and sending them plummeting back to the start. All the while the nagging dread in the back of everyone’s minds that there was still a killer out there, one that seemed to kill for the pleasure of it, both of them on edge waiting for the phone call that would say another young body had been found.

It had been frantic, out of the blue and over way too soon, the only sound after had been their laboured breathing as they’d drifted into exhausted sleep in the darkness of Robbie’s bedroom. They hadn’t spoken about it in the cold light of day, a slightly awkward silence morphed into the necessities of getting dressed and getting back to work, but the next night they’d ended up back at Robbie’s flat and back in his bed. It had been just as desperate, a need that neither of them could put into words and shrouded in the dark of the night.

Then the call with information they had waited on and they knew that they had their man and like the morning before they’d been awakened by phones calling them to action. An arrest made with all the follow ups and paperwork that entailed. It hadn’t seemed to matter that they’d had no time to catch their breath let alone talk about what they’d done. They had been as much a team as ever.

Then when they’d charged their suspect, Lewis had received a mysterious phone call and left, he had to help a friend was all he said and left James to complete the casefile.

And all the while James was replaying those nights in his head. Realising that he loved Robert Lewis, was in love, was not a shock to him, it had been flitting around the corners of his mind and heart but had never been allowed to gain purchase. Until the barriers had been breached and there was no ignoring it anymore. It had been dawning on him slowly, that he maybe he didn’t need to, that everything had changed. But what that change entailed, that he didn’t know.

Robbie hadn’t returned to the station before he had finished, but caught him coming out of his flat ready to go and had insisted on taking him for a farewell drink. At the pub James had tried to throw in a reference, a jest to break the tension that seemed to have coiled around them when Robbie had returned from wherever he had rushed off too. Something to say without actually saying the words, to acknowledge that something had changed between them.

He had changed his mind with Robbie’s strange behaviour as they’d shared that last pint and it set off a little fission of doubt in the back of his mind.

A doubt which he had pushed aside and ignored until he couldn’t any longer as Robbie’s strange phone calls unsettled him, he felt a distance between them that had little to do with miles and since when did he have to be told to watch his language if in Dr Hobson’s hearing? It had sounded more like a warning, don’t say anything, don’t give anything away and it made his thoughts that the changes between them may not be good ones, all the harder to push away.

It was his need to see Robbie that had him walking into the pub before even going back to his flat. Hopefully he could join in the post case celebratory drink and slope off with Robbie for a more private reunion. They didn’t need a deep and meaningful they’d never gone in for those or declarations of undying love, just an acknowledgement that it meant something to both of them.

And then Laura arrived and his whole world fell apart.

_____

Standing at the bar Robbie sent a quick glance over to James even as he laughed with Laura. This was not the way he had wanted James to find out, he thought that he had more time to think how to handle things and talk to his sergeant, just the two of them. And how he wanted it to have been just the two of them talking it out like they should have done before James left. Only problem with that was, at the time he hadn’t been able to find the words and he’d told himself, not the kind of conversation to have in a pub when they only had twenty minutes before James had had to leave.

Still the lad seemed to be taking it well, maybe he was relieved, had spent his time away working out how to extradite himself from an awkward situation with his boss. Robbie refused to acknowledge the stab of hurt that accompanied that thought, but James was a young man, what would he really see in him? He would catch him alone later, make sure he was okay and that he knew why it had to be this way. He’d apologise for how this had played out and for his actions that had led them to this awkward place.

It took a while to get the drinks and following Laura back to the table he was surprised to find Innocent alone. Putting the drinks down he inclined his head towards the toilets, “James gone to the ah.. has he?”

Innocent looked amused, “No Robbie, he hasn’t gone to the ‘ah’ He’s left, said he remembered he had something he had to do.”

“Oh,” Laura looked back where they’d just come through, her disappointment clear, “I didn’t see him leave, I was looking forward to hearing about this adventurous holiday of his.”

No, Robbie hadn’t seen him leave either and a knot started tightening in his gut, not taking it all that well after all then. He probably just needed a bit of time to himself, he’d only just come back from his trip as well, bound to be tired. He felt Laura nudge his arm.

“I know you’ve missed him but I’m sure you can catch up tomorrow, you’re both off you lucky things. You can go for a pint or two while I’m travelling to the most boring conference on the planet. What’s the betting I will hear the joke about the mortician’s uncle five times before the meet and greet session is over?”

Forcing a smile, he nodded, but he didn’t need Laura’s questioning look to know that it wasn’t very convincing.

_____

Robbie hadn’t been very good company in the pub, his mind on James and the mess he seemed to have created, the mess that started that night when he had let himself get caught up in the moment, caught up in something he had no right to want. When the case had him all turned around, when one suspect turned out not to be their murderer but guilty of serious assault and had run from them before turning to fight.

James punched, hard, going down, lying on his back on the pavement. Unmoving for a split second before rolling up on his feet and it had been too close, too close to the images of James lying among boxes, frightened and desperately trying to feel if the syringe had pierced his skin that flashed through his mind at odd moments through the days since. And too close to the nightmares that had plagued his few sleeping hours, where James didn’t sink back in relief, but where his eyes widened in fear and he stopped moving, stopped breathing, eyes now lifeless staring up at him and Robbie woke panicked and breathing heavily until reality once again settled around him. It was the same when he had lost Val, only then the reality had been the same as his nightmares and there had been no waking from it.

He had resolved to talk it through with James and put a stop to things before it got out of hand, but that resolve had crumbled the next night, when he had felt James so close behind him as they’d walked into his flat, the brush of long fingers against his own hand was all it had taken for him to turn and reach out seeking physical contact that he had, for so long thought he no longer needed nor wanted and they’d moved towards each other almost instinctively.

He knew though that with James home, they would have to have that talk and when he headed home it was with a heavy heart.

He wasn’t surprised when he got home to find James sitting on the low wall outside his flat and a strange mix of relief and dread flooded through him at the sight. There were a number of cigarette butts lying on the pavement around him along with an empty packet, crumpled and discarded. He tilted his head up almost in defiance as Robbie glanced at them. As if he was courting Robbie’s disapproval at the littering, he threw the half smoked one in his hand to join them, but Robbie ignored it. The voice inside his head that had been whispering doubts in his ear all evening was now shouting at him ‘What have you done?’ He had never seen James look so angry.

“You’d better come in,” he motioned to the door, keys in hand and noted as James followed that there was no rucksack. He must have been home first then, but he hadn’t changed and judging by how many cigarettes he had smoked he must have been waiting for some time.

They had just gotten through the door when James started, “You didn’t even tell me. How could you not tell me?” He could hear the anger and he turned back slowly, switching the living room light on as he did, casting a soft glow around them. Standing one each end of the cramped hallway only ten feet between them, but Robbie felt they were further away than they’d ever been.

“I didn’t know you were going to turn up at the pub tonight, did I?” It sounded like an accusation even to his own ears instead of the apology he’d wanted it to be. “Look I’m sorry I didn’t get a chance to talk to you first. It wasn’t fair you finding out like that. But it can’t have been a total shock, I mean you’ve been on at me to ask her out often enough.”

He hadn’t lately though, had he? Not over the last months when they’d been getting closer than ever. And definitely not since that first night that they had literally tore at each other’s clothes in their desperate bid to get close.

“Not a shock? I go away for a few days, come back and she’s snogging your face off in the middle of the pub.”

“It wasn’t just her,” he jumped in to defend Laura at the hostility in James’ tone.

“No, it wasn’t, was it?” his head tilted and a tight humourless smile flited across his lips.

“Look, I can understand you’re angry, but I haven’t hidden anything from you deliberately. This thing between me and Laura, it’s only just started since you’ve been away. I guess we spent more time together and things have progressed.”

“Have you slept with her?”

“That’s none of your business.”

“Have you told her about us,” he shook his head, answering his own question, “No of course you haven’t.”

“There is no us James, there never really was.”

“That wasn’t us then? You and me?” he gestured towards the bedroom behind him with his hand, “In that bed, making love, waking up together…..” controlled anger radiated off him.

“Having sex James.” He swallowed at the look that flashed across the younger man’s face at his correction, the anger seemed to drain out of him replaced by a look of betrayal and confusion.

Suddenly James turned away from him, running his hands through his hair as he walked back to the end of the hallway as if retreating from Robbie and the situation. He stood facing Robbie’s closed bedroom door for a few moments before turning slowly and leaning back against it, half unseen in the shadows. He brought his hands down over his face, resting them palms together with his head bowed.

“I have seen him gentle, tame and meek, that now is wild and does not remember.”

Robbie had to strain to hear the whispered words said in the soft tone that had always done uncomfortable things to his heart.

James let his hands fall to his side, lifting his head, “That’s all it was to you?” his voice was strong now, demanding.

Robbie ignored the question, hoping he wouldn’t have to answer, “Only you James, only you could spout bloody poetry now. Now when…..” there was no way to complete that sentence without giving himself away. What could he say? When I’m doing what’s best even though it hurts like hell?

“When what? When you’re throwing us away without even giving it a chance?”

“We’re not in some romantic poem or historical novel, this is real life lad.”

James pushed himself off the wall taking a few steps forward, saying coldly “I’ll repeat the question. Was sex all it was for you?”

For a moment Robbie couldn’t answer, couldn’t say what needed to be said, to make things right for all of them. When he had allowed the feelings he had for James to escalate into those two glorious nights they’d shared, he knew he had messed things up so spectacularly. He had to get James to understand how wrong it was, there were so many reasons why it couldn’t work.

“Tell me.”

The whispered plea startled Robbie and he realised he’d been quite too long, before he could answer however, James took another step forward.

“Tell me.”

This time it was more a demand and he searched Robbie’s face, blue green eyes met his own and it was like they had grabbed hold of him, pulling him in. He couldn’t look away from their intensity even if he wanted to, but he didn’t want to he wanted to get lost in them forever. But danger lay down that path and so he did drag his eyes away as all his instincts for self-preservation screamed at him.

“Yes, it was just sex,” and there it was, he had lied to James in a more spectacularly painful way than James had ever lied to him. “I do care about you James, I’m very fond of you, you must know that, but what we did was just a release from the stress of a bad case. It’s not good for either of us, but especially not you. There are so many ways us continuing to do, what we did could hurt you, ruin your career even. You’re so young…..”

“I’m not a child,” James spat at him angrily shifting his feet.

“No, I know that, but you are so much younger than me and my sergeant ‘an all, I’m your boss for pete’s sake. We can’t escape the facts, James. You need to be free, free to find someone your own age, someone who can give you a family, someone you can grow old with.”

“That was your life, not mine. I don’t want a wife, two point four children and a nice car in the driveway.”

“We’ll I do.”

“It’s too late for that, you can’t get back what you had.” James snapped back at him. His thumb went to his mouth briefly, bent over as he chewed at the nail, before folding his arms around his chest. His right leg was jittery and he stilled it with what looked to be some effort.

“Yes, that was my life and I’m too old and set in me ways. Too old to have a gay fling with someone young enough to be my son. It’s not who I am James.” He had always thought of himself as an average everyday guy, finding out that he had feelings for his young male sergeant had come as a shock. Acting on it had been insanity, for both of them.

And it was for them both, that one of them had to put an end to it, to make sure it couldn’t happen again., “I’m with Laura now, I have feelings for Laura.” James flinched, rocking back on his heels as if Robbie had landed a physical punch. “It’s for the best,” He reached out a hand to touch James’ arm but was denied as the man took a step back. Letting his hand fall away, he took a deep breath, “This way we can keep working together and get back on an even keel. Go back to how things were. You need to find a partner James, someone your own age.”

The shake of his head was almost too slight to notice as James sniffed dismissively with a thin smile, “Love doesn’t come into it then?”

“Love!” Robbie wanted to cry, it never used to be such a complicated word for him, not when he had his Val. He wasn’t sure it was in him to be the man James wanted him to be and he knew what was best for James, even if he didn’t. But he couldn’t deny the emotion outright, not again, not when asked directly, he answered with a plea, a denial of sorts, “No James, don’t love me.”

James swallowed hard and a look of misery flashed across his face, his eyes closed for a second and when he opened them his expression was unreadable, “Too late for that,” he stated flatly.

James stepped forward for the first time closing the gap between them and reached out. His left-hand grasped Robbie’s right, holding tight enough to hurt, he lay his right-hand palm flat against Robbie’s chest, over his heart, his head was bowed, “Be happy Robbie.”

And then he was gone, releasing his hold, removing his hand and spinning on his heels, he was out of the door and slamming it shut before Robbie had a chance to draw breath. He didn’t remember moving, but found himself at his front door, hand already on the latch, but he stopped himself taking that next step. It wouldn’t help James, running down the corridor after him, he had to give James the space he needed now and when he had had the time to think it though, he’d see that Robbie was right.

¬¬¬_____

James sat hunched down in his leather arm chair cradling an untouched glass of whiskey in his hands, long legs pulled up toward his chest and to the side as he made himself fit into his favourite chair. His jacket was pulled up around him but he still felt cold, as he stared across his living room trying to comes to terms with the dizzying speed of events. He had almost been happy and that should have been warning enough, he had let his guard down in a way he hadn’t since that fateful night with Scarlet, but this was so much worse. His feelings for Scarlet had been intertwined with melancholy and trying to reconnect with one of the few happy memories from his childhood. This time it was love, as simple and complicated as that.

He hadn’t seen the danger, not with Robert Lewis, a man he trusted and respected. It wasn’t Lewis’ fault that James had built things up in his own mind, turned two nights into hope for a future that he could never have.

He remembered Robbie’s face when he was at the bar with Laura, it was etched into his brain. His expression had been joyful and he had never seen the man look like that. He had never known Robbie when he hadn’t been carrying the pain of loss around with him, but earlier he had seen it and the difference in him was startling. There was something in the way he carried himself, his shoulders less hunched as if he had been curled up in pain for so long and suddenly released. And his eyes were brighter with a sparkle that made him look younger. And it wasn’t himself who made the difference, he knew that now, he should have known it all along.

Laura had known him far longer than he, did she see it he wondered? She knew all three, the Robert Lewis who was married and happy, the one after his world had been torn apart and this new one, altered by grief but emerging from its black shadow. What differences did she see?

He had managed to cover well, he hoped he had anyway, after the first shock he was well aware of Innocent’s attention on him and his well-honed natural defences had mercifully kicked in. Conceal, pretend everything is alright and retreat to privately deal with feelings that threaten to drag him under.

It was obvious that he didn’t make Robert Lewis happy and Laura did. He’d let his mind turn those two nights into something they weren’t. Causal sex wasn’t in his nature nor Robbie’s or so he’d thought and how could he have gotten that so wrong?

Had he been kidding himself about how well he knew the other man now? He had believed that they had gotten closer, but words spoken years earlier in anger came back to mock him now, ‘All you’ve proved is you don’t really know me.’ He did have a pattern of repeating his mistakes and it seemed he still hadn’t learnt.

He knew he wanted Robbie to be happy, and briefly fooled himself into thinking he could be the one that did that. He’d almost forgotten how spectacularly bad he was with relationships, drawn to the wrong people at the wrong time. Then there was his own solitary nature, he had always needed a certain degree of seclusion from the world and if that need had waned as his closeness to Robbie grew it was nonetheless still there.

“Stop it Hathaway,” standing up abruptly, he slammed his still full glass onto the side table, whiskey splashing over his hand and walked to the window. He looked out into the darkened street absently sucking the whiskey from his knuckle and forcefully shut down all the tangents his mind was going off in. Focus on what you know, you don’t make Lewis happy, Laura does.

‘You don’t know yourself either,’ Robbie had said that four years ago too, that may still be true in some ways but he knew without a shadow of doubt that he could not stay and watch Robbie with Laura. A few short weeks ago he could have, he could have smiled, accepted Robbie was not his to love and been happy for them both.

Not now, not when he knew what it was like to be with him, to hold and be held, to kiss and be kissed, to love ….. and not loved.

He knew that when he was hurting, he could lash out, knew with certainty that’s what he would do here. He would destroy whatever relationship they tried to salvage between them. He wouldn’t be able to help himself, he would take a perverse pleasure in lashing out and seeing his barbs strike home as he pushed Robbie away, only to regret the hurt caused afterwards. But he would end up hurting Laura as well and he wouldn’t allow himself to do that, better to leave with the memories he had now, a clean break.

There was only one course of action, he’d known it when he’d said goodbye to Robbie. All of this was just him overthinking things and he knew the best way to stop doing that was to act.

He had started over before, he could do so again, he had survived then as he would now. Only this time it wasn’t just his life falling to pieces it was his heart as well.

And yet again it was his own actions that had caused his downfall, why was he never content with what he had? Always restless, always looking for something and never really knowing what. He had felt a stillness with Robbie, similar to how he could feel when he got lost playing a special piece of music and that would be hard to let go, now that he knew what it felt like.

_____

Innocent was surprised to see James Hathaway standing outside her office door as she arrived, his ramrod straight back and hands clasped tightly behind him didn’t bode well, never mind the fact he was still on leave and Lewis was on a rostered day off. He was dressed impeccably smart, wearing a dark suit, which was not unusual, but the absence of any colour was. There was no bright flash of pink, lavender or yellow on his tie or socks, just a plain white shirt and black tie. It unsettled her probably more than it should have.

“James, you’re waiting for me?” Silly question but she’d wanted something to break the ice.

He nodded silently, but with no trace of the amusement she had seen accompanying that gesture so many times in the past. She moved passed him unlocking her door and motioned him through ahead of her, unconsciously looking behind her, back down the corridor to see if Robbie Lewis was going to appear.

She sat behind her desk pointing to a chair, but James stayed standing, no this wasn’t going to be good. He usually grabbed a chair and sat with his own unique style when in her office. She had never seen anyone sit quite like James did.

When he didn’t initiate the conversation, she looked up and again gestured toward a chair, “James you’re making my neck ache looking up at you like this.”

He seemed to start a bit, but did sit in the chair by her desk without moving it first, another tell that something was very wrong. “James?” She asked softly leaning forward slightly, letting the concern show on her face.

Reaching into his breast pocket he smoothly pulled out an envelope and placed it on the desk, pushing it towards her with two fingers. “My resignation Ma’am.”

She’d known the minute he had taken out the crisp white envelope what it contained and her heart sank. She ignored the envelope for the minute leaving it lying on the desk between them as she briefly pinched the bridge of her nose with thumb and finger as if that would ward of the headache she could feel coming on, “I don’t want to accept this.” Her statement was met with stoney silence and she realised that this could be a very one-sided conversation, “Why James?”

He ignored the question, “I’ve got all my paperwork and emails up to date, tasked Hooper with pending actions that can’t be done till next week, cleared out my locker and my desk. Filled out the necessary forms online and emailed them to you to fill out your part and forward onto personnel. I’ve left my work laptop on Gurdip’s desk with a note to say I won’t be needing it anymore so he should do whatever it is he has to in order to reissue it.”

”Very efficient,” she noted dryly.

He gave a soft snort of laughter, “I’m the poster boy.”

“I’m sorry?”

“For police efficiency,” he looked at her as if that was self-evident.

“Well, I can’t argue with that.”

“As you know I’m not on any active cases,” he continued as if there had been no diversion on his set course “and I have enough holiday left to take it now and leave today. Which I now request to do Ma’am.”

She noticed the dark smudges under his eyes and knew without question that he had already been in the office for hours sorting things out, efficiently extracting himself from the life that he had built here.

Seeing the determination on his face, she knew she had no chance of changing his mind, not completely anyway. There was still a chance she could keep a tenuous hold on him, give him a lifeline if he needed it. “I don’t want you to leave, but I can see you’ve made up your mind.” He nodded looking relieved, “However…..” he sat up even straighter which she wouldn’t have thought possible, maybe getting ready to bolt out of the door. She put out a hand as if to steady him, “However, I’ll keep your letter on file and authorise a career break, you’ll have a year before the resignation becomes official. Effectively you will have left, but it gives you options James. Will you allow me to do that?”

She’d learnt a thing or two about Hathaway and giving him a choice not an ultimatum usually got better results.

His eyes moved to focused on the wall behind her and he tilted his head as he thought it over, before returning to meet her gaze and he nodded once in agreement, “Thank you Ma’am,” he smiled and although it didn’t reach his eyes, it was genuine and warm, “For everything, I’ve appreciated your help and guidance.”

“You’ve been trying at times Sergeant Hathaway, but I’ve enjoyed working with you.”

He looked down clearing his throat awkwardly, but she still saw the sadness he tried to hide, “Thank you,” there was a slight catch in his voice, the only chink in his amour so far.

“Does Inspector Lewis know?” The question she hadn’t dared ask before, although she already knew the answer. Hathaway wouldn’t have spent the early hours of the morning freeing himself from being a police officer if he did. This whole thing was about Robbie, she just didn’t know precisely how,

His head snapped back up, impassive expression on his face, “It’s none of his concern Ma’am.”

She had to fight her impulse to back, away from the cold stare that had appeared at the mention of the name, instead she moved forward, interlacing her fingers in front of her resting them on her desk. “James, did anything happen between you? Anything I should know about?”

He shook his head, barely moving it at all, “No, nothing happened.”

“I might be able to help. If there is some issue between you…..” she came to a stop. What could she do? Send them to couples counselling? The thought should amuse her but, it just left a leaden feeling in the pit of her stomach.

“There’s no issue, there’s nothing between us.”

“You have other options James, I could reassign you, permanently or temporarily or you could transfer to a different station instead of leaving, you’re a bloody good detective. Maybe even go for promotion? You know I’d support your application.” She knew it was useless but had to at least try.

“It’s time for a change. It’s just time I left.” He stood up, awkwardly holding his hand out and deliberately putting an end to their meeting. Standing she moved round the desk and took his hand, shaking it, but clasping his shoulder warmly too. “If there’s anything James, you know where I am.”

They both stepped back and reaching into his pocket James pulled out his warrant card, smoothly handing it over with no hint of hesitation.

He was at the door, his hand reaching out to open it when she called after him, “I don’t suppose you want a big leaving do at the trout, presents and speeches and such?”

An exhale of breath with a smile James’s way of laughing when caught unawares, but it sounded hollow as he shook his head, opened the door and left without a backward glance.

She had had great hopes for James’s future in the police force, she’d seen the potential, how far he could have gone, but she had resigned herself that he wouldn’t meteorically rise up the ranks after he had teamed up with Lewis. They were thick as thieves and twice as likely to get into mischief, but she had seen a change in the young man, he had seemed happier, more settled and the motherly instincts that she would swear blind to not having for him made her glad of it.

Timing was crucial in this, Robbie and Laura get together, James leaves. You don’t have to have to have a double first to work out there was a connection. She had never before considered that James may have romantic feelings for Robert Lewis, but it seemed so obvious now that she thought about it. It would be hard for him now that Robbie and Laura were together but there was something more to it though, she had been quite a decent detective once and she just knew James was running from more than unrequited love.

Her mind went back to the look on James’ face in the pub, the one that had made her turn around to see what had upset him and she had forgotten that look when she saw what it was that he was staring at. The shock of seeing Laura and Robbie kissing had driven all else from her mind and when she had turned back to James, he had been amused. Or he had seemed to be. She closed her eyes, recalling the look that had fleetingly unnerved her, devastated was the word that sprang to mind, but Hathaway had never been easy to read, she could be way off the mark. The only certainty she had was that something was going on that she was not privy to and knowing those two she would never know for sure.

Her concern for Hathaway wouldn’t end now that he had left her command, she would worry about him, out there on his own, which was daft, a grown man with exceptional intelligence. But without the sense he was born with sometimes. And that’s what worried her. but she could be quite inventive when she had to be, there were any number of reasons she could come up with to contact him from time to time and she wouldn’t give up on bringing him back into the fold, not for a good while yet.

_____

The night had been as long and restless as the one before it, fragments of sleep interspersed between tense hours of wakefulness. During the day he had kept himself occupied, doing busy work as his Gran used to say but it hadn’t stopped the worry, the second guessing and doubts gnawing at him. It hadn’t helped that Laura was away at that ruddy conference, he had too much time to think and it was a shock to realise he wasn’t missing her as he should have been.

His thoughts kept returning to James, but he’d managed to stop from phoning him or worse going to see him, but only just. They both needed time to let the dust settle, to readjust back to how they had been before his foolishness.

Jack Cornish had sent him reeling when he was already on rocky ground, trying to work through doubts and feelings for James and Laura which were all churning around in his heart and mind. The tight grip of grief that had hold of him for years had been lessening and had finally let go but it had left a void in its wake. A void into which all his feelings for both Laura and James had seemed to surge into, swirling together and leaving him adrift, confused and far more sensitive to his emotions than he had been for years.

He’d thought he and Jack were the same, solid family men who believed in living right. And maybe they weren’t that different because was he much better? Having nights of passion with the young man he was responsible for? He was in charge of James, in a position of authority and he recklessly let his emotions get the better of him. Emotions that he refused to look too deeply into as he was only just admitting to himself, the intensity of those nights had terrified him in a way he couldn’t explain.

He had walked a long way, that evening, thinking about Jack and how they were cut from the same cloth, how he was trying to reach out to him, to lend a friendly ear about whatever it was that had sent him off course. And he had thought of what he would say to a friend who was in his own position, what advice he would offer.

He had ended up by the river lost in thought and when he’d reached his decision, to let James go, to tell him how sorry he was for putting him in that position, of exploiting their friendship and to get back to the man he’d always thought he was, well, a weight had been lifted from his shoulders and he felt lighter than he had in a long while.

Then when he had seen Laura the feelings that he had for her felt right, he was on familiar ground, it felt good to take her hand and walk side by side. He had been so sure of his decision then, but now it felt like it was all crashing down around him.

Because every time he closed his eyes and sleep eluded him, he could see James’ face shrouded in hurt and confusion, could feel a hand laid on his chest and a pain in his heart as if that hand had reached through clothes and skin to grab hold. It had been an odd gesture, almost priestly and the more he replayed it, the more uneasy he became. It had felt like a benediction.

If only he had had that talk with James like he planned to, before the man left, it might have gone better than it had the other night. But when it had come to it, it had felt too rushed, too hard when he was leaving, too public at the bar, too hard to find the right words.

He felt compelled to get to work, to see with his own eyes that the gnawing dread in the back of his mind was wrong. It was fear that had him leaving for work long before he had to, they would be alright, things would return to normal, he’d make sure of it.

_____

Robbie practically ran up the stairs towards their office half hoping to see a tall leaning figure at the top. There was no one there.

Standing in the office doorway, his eyes scanned the room, no James, no jacket on the stand or draped over the back of his chair, no coffee mugs to be seen. But there was something else, something not right, the office felt empty, almost soulless and a tendril of fear ran down his spine.

“Lewis, my office.”

He jumped at Innocent’s voice behind him, she continued on down the corridor without breaking her stride and throwing a quick glance her way his gaze returned to the room in front of him. He wanted to stay in the office, wait for James to arrive but he forced himself to walk after his Chief Superintendent.

As he walked along the corridor, he realised what had disturbed him about the office and the knowledge slammed into him, his step faltering. There was nothing personal of James’ left in the room and suddenly he knew exactly why Innocent wanted to see him. James was gone. Why hadn’t he seen this coming? He knew James better than anyone. Was he so caught up in trying to do the right thing, what he thought was best for all of them that he didn’t see where it would lead? He had been so hell bent on protecting his own feelings he hadn’t really understood the depth of James’ for him. Not thought it possible that the young man could have felt so deeply for him. Not until what he now realised was James saying goodbye to him in his flat. ‘Be happy?’ Now? It just wasn’t possible. And he’d gone and dragged Laura into this now as well, where did his feelings for Laura fit into this mess?

When he first knew her, Innocent’s attitude towards him was indifferent, over the years she had been angry with him, frustrated, exasperated, concerned, even amused sometimes. It had finally settled into what he thought was friendly respect and he knew that despite occasional hiccups she would have his back. He had never before felt quite as thick an atmosphere which now greeted him. Looking through papers on her desk she deliberately kept him standing before finally looking at him and the coolness in her gaze shocked him. For a brief moment he thought James might have confided in her what had happened, but he knew better, James had told her nothing specific.

There must have been something of his inner turmoil showing as her expression softened somewhat and she gestured to the chair in front of her desk. He ignored the offer, preferring to stand and braced himself for what he knew was coming.

“Not you as well. Don’t stand there like a schoolboy in front of the headmistress Lewis, sit down.”

He bristled, but complied

She looked him over and sat back in her chair obviously coming to a conclusion, “He’s told you then?”

The wrong conclusion, “Told me what Ma’am?”

“James has resigned.”

He couldn’t speak so he just shook his head. He had known, but hearing the words still didn’t make it feel real. The knot in his stomach tightened and he had to clear his throat before he could force any words out.

“When?”

“Yesterday morning.”

“And you didn’t call me?”

“He said it was none of your business,” she raised a questioning eyebrow, “was he wrong?”

“Of course he was bloody well wrong. He’s my sergeant, you should have called me and I could have put a stop to it.”

“I doubt that.”

“I had a right to know.”

“As his inspector, you have no rights over any personal decisions he makes. If there’s something else going on here…..” She sighed concern showing on her face, “Robbie, anything you say next will be off the record, I won’t have heard a thing and it might help to talk it through. what’s happened between you?”

“Nothing’s happened.”

“So I’ve been told, but obviously something has.”

“It’s fine, we’ll be fine. I’ll sort him out, get him back.”

“No, you won’t Robbie,” she said not unkindly, “He was serious and he is not coming back.”

“With all due respects Ma’am, you don’t know him…..” He bit off the ending of the sentence. In his anger he was about to embark on a rant that would have revealed far more than he ever wanted to. He was acting like one of his own suspects goaded into a confession, he had to focus, get out of the office and find James.

“Like you do?” she finished for him, “sometimes Robbie it takes someone more on the outside to see things more clearly.”

He didn’t have time to worry about what she meant, what she may or may not suspect. She knew nothing for certain that was all that mattered. Whatever issues he and James had had in the past, he had always managed to keep them away from Innocent, he always would.

She was watching him now more like a detective than his boss and he realised she had been studying him since she first laid eyes on him outside his office. She would want answers as to why James had resigned and obviously getting no satisfactory reasons from the man himself, she was focusing on him.

“Robbie…..,”

Her voice was gentle, her expression understanding and Robbie stiffened, going on high alert.

“Sometimes when you work as closely as you and James have…..”

“There’s nothing going on between me and James.”

“I never said there was.”

“Is there anything else Ma’am?” he said quickly, “I do have work to do.”

She gave him a long scrutinising look and appeared to come to a decision as she began shuffling some papers on her desk, moving back into Chief Superintendent mode. She brought a sheet to the top of the pile, “Hathaway is not coming back to the police and even if he did, I would have serious reservations about pairing you up again. I’ve drawn up a list of potential candidates for his position, I know you’ll need a bit of time Robbie, but you will need someone fairly quickly. Have a look through over the next couple of days, let me know what you think.” She held out the list.

Robbie snatched the paper as he stood up, not trusting himself to speak he strode out of the office crumpling the list up and tossing it in the bin on his way out. She was being spiteful now because they’d inconvenienced her, shoving this list at him. She must know James would be back.

He was fuming, angry beyond reason and directing it squarely at James. Why the hell had the man involved Innocent in this, it wasn’t the first time he’d gone behind his back and spoken to her. They could have sorted this out between them, now they’d be hard pressed to talk her round when the time came for James to back out of his rash decision.

_____

Traffic was heavy as he drove the route that was as familiar as the one to his own flat. His hands hurt from the grip he had on the steering wheel and when he failed to move through traffic lights on their second sequence, he raised his hands up into fists and brought them down onto the wheel. The pain that radiated up to his wrists seemed to push the anger out of him leaving a feeling of anguish that had nothing to do with the dull ache which had settled in his wrists and forearms.

He could see now his reaction for what it was, misdirected, he was angry at himself but it had been so much easier to level it at James. If he hadn’t been so busy trying to protect them both from what he felt was the inevitable outcome of their nights together, he might have seen, that despite the odds, James loved him, a man old enough to be his father and who couldn’t give him all the things he should want.

He could have, should have, handled it better then maybe James wouldn’t have felt the need to run. James was coping the only way he knew how, removing himself from the situation and he couldn’t be angry at him for that.

There was no answer when he rang the bell, that didn’t mean James wasn’t home, so he kept his finger firmly on the button knowing how that would drive James insane. He hated the noise it made at the best of times, the old-fashioned jarring sound couldn’t be ignored. If he was in there he would be compelled to the door even if it was just to push Robbie away.

“I think he’s gone on holiday Robbie love,” James’ next-door neighbour, Elsa Baxter had just emerged from her flat and was lighting a cigarette one handed as she griped her walking stick with the other. She was slim, with short silver-grey hair, dressed in her customary casual trousers and blouse and the way she leant on her stick made her look even shorter than her merge five foot. But there was a strength to her that belied her appearance and her tendency to wander into the past.

Releasing the bell. Robbie moved back slightly, one foot on the next step down, splitting his attention between the elderly lady and looking through James’ front window.

“He left yesterday with some bags. About midday it was.”

“Did he say where he was going?” he snapped at her in frustration.

“No, sorry.” She looked slightly apprehensive at his reaction, “I’d have thought you’d have known, being his boss. I haven’t got him into trouble, have I?”

Robbie forced a smile and softened his tone, “No, course not. How are you after your fall?”

“Have to finally surrender to using this thing, just like you told me I had to,” she motioned to the stick, “it’s no fun getting old.”

“No, it isn’t.”

“Give over, you’re a youngster you are. Don’t know what I’d have done if you hadn’t been dropping young James home that night, I could have been out here till morning. Still, I got one of these emergency button things now, as instructed,” she bowed her head at him and smiled, silently acknowledging that the lecture he had given her had been heeded.

“That’s good,” she looked less wary so he turned the conversation back to where he needed it, trying to sound casual, “Have a lot of bags, did he?”

“Two suitcases I think and a holdall, oh and his guitar, that boy plays such sweet music, he learnt You Belong to Me because it was me and my Alfred’s song,” she shuffled her feet slowly, a far-away look on her face, “we’d dance to it every time he left to go on tour. He was in the army you know?”

Robbie did know, she had told him four times the night he and James had helped her after her fall, “I know Elsa, I know you miss him.”

She smiled, “But I have my memories Robbie love, I have my memories.” She seemed to gather herself back to the present, “So you’ve lost young James? My Alfred had a wanderlust in him too, always came back to me, always did.”

“Did he say anything at all?”

“No, I saw him from the window,” she regarded him with concern, “is everything alright?”

“Aye, it’s fine,” he took one last look toward the flat and made his way back onto the street, “Goodbye Elsa, take care of yourself lass.”

He pulled away from the kerb wanting to be away from the old lady’s penetrating gaze and parked up on the next street, he had no idea where to go. Her words kept repeating in his head, ‘so you’ve lost young James’ only it was less of a question now, it was slowly becoming a certainty. He pulled out his mobile from his jacket pocket and peered at the numbers, pressing the buttons that would connect him with James, but hanging up before completing the call.

He couldn’t escape the feeling that this would be his one chance to persuade James, if not to come back then at least meet up with him. He didn’t even know where the man was, he may even be out of the country by now.

He realised with a sinking feeling that was not the biggest problem, he hadn’t given any thought about what he was going to say to James. What could he say? I want you to come back to me, but I can’t give you what you want? I want you to be my sergeant? I need you? I can’t give you what you need? Stay with me? I know now how much you love me, but I still don’t think we can be together? I love Laura too? And he did, he felt they could make a good match, but now he wasn’t sure it was the right kind of love.

He summoned his courage and dialled putting the phone to his ear whilst drumming his fingers on the steering wheel with his other hand. There was no ring tone, just a computerised voice informing him that the number he had dialled was not available and he should try again later. He waited for James’ voice to tell him to leave a message, it never came as the phone cut off. What the hell did that mean? Had he had removed his voicemail? Could you even do that on these damn things?

Almost on automatic pilot, he drove back to the station and on reaching the office he sank down into his chair sighing heavily. He was contemplating putting out a trace marker on James’ car, knowing it was an absurdly stupid idea, but still giving it serious consideration when Innocent appeared in his doorway as if she had been lurking round the corner awaiting his return. She closed the door and perched on the edge of James’ desk facing him.

Only it wasn’t his sergeant’s anymore, James wouldn’t be sitting there making sarky comments to irritate and amuse him or distract him in his darker times. Wouldn’t be there bouncing ideas back and forth with him, a whole scenario laid out in a few words, but understood by both. He wouldn’t be unfolding himself from behind it, grabbing his jacket and following Robbie out to the pub or to solve the case.

“Do you know where he’s gone?” the question came unbidden, his mind seeking the answer of where James was without conscious thought.

Innocent looked puzzled for a moment before shaking her head, “No, I didn’t know that he had.”

“Did you even try to talk him out of it?” he accused.

“Of course I did. Do you honestly think I want to lose my best team?” she sighed. Her posture relaxing, “Robbie I tried to give him options. Promotion, transfer even. He was leaving whatever I or anyone else said,” the emphasis on ‘anyone else’ was unmistakable and directed straight at him.

“He wouldn’t tell me why he was leaving,” she continued when he didn’t respond, “time for change was all I could get from him. But I can take a good guess that it relates to you and Laura …..”

“Ma’am,” Robbie warned, standing up and rubbing the back of his neck as he paced behind his desk.

“I’m not going to start asking about your feelings Lewis so there’s no need to contemplate jumping out of the window. I’m just saying that maybe this is something he has to do.”

Her gambit was met with a stoney silence, “Fine,” she surrendered, they were both as tight lipped as each other. “Look, I’ve just lost one of my best, I don’t want to lose you too. We don’t have enough experienced officers as it is and you’ll need someone. You’ve worked with other officers before Robbie, other sergeants.”

No one like James he thinks, there is no one like James, he could work with other people, or retire like he’s always talking about, but not seeing James at all? More importantly, not knowing if he was alright every day. Checking on his partners state of mind was automatic to him now, instinct and years of long days spent together, enabled him to see when and what he needed to bring himself out of his own head. Not being able to do that? That, was not worth thinking about. And if James did come back, he would need to know that he wasn’t just replaced as if he didn’t matter. He would need his place back.

He could feel her eyes on him, waiting, “Leave the list on my desk, I’ll look it over later.” He wouldn’t he knew, he’d stall her, work with Julie and the rest of their team, he didn’t need another sergeant.

“You’re staying then?” Innocent asked, wanting confirmation that she wasn’t about to lose him as well.

“What else can I do?” he sounded lost and for a minute she thought that the question wasn’t rhetorical, that it was more of a plea for an answer.

The phone on the now unoccupied desk rang and they looked at each other, for a brief moment their eyes met and a silent acknowledgment of how things had changed passed between them. Robbie picked up his own handset and pressed the buttons that would transfer the call to himself, “Lewis,” he answered tersely, “right I’m on my way.”

Innocent regarded him with a raised eyebrow.

“Body out near Summertown, looks like a suicide.”

“I’ll send someone else,” she said as she stood up.

“No, I’ll go. I need something to do.”

_____

The mid terrace house was filled with noise as he arrived, police officers were talking, footsteps thumped from upstairs along with the sound of creaking floorboards, but above it all he could hear a woman sobbing.

Looking into the front room he saw a young woman sitting on the sofa, tissue in hand being comforted by an equally young-looking constable. He caught the eye of a uniformed sergeant, who joined him in the narrow hallway.

“What have we got Derek?”

“Kathy Marshall in there, came back and found her housemate upstairs dead, name of the deceased is Elizabeth Jones, aged twenty-four, she was doing a doctorate in history. Doctor Hobson’s already up there, looks like booze and pills, treating it as non-suspicious unless you or the doctor say otherwise,”

“Ok, thanks,” he pulled on some gloves as his eyes scanned the hallway and front room, before moving towards the stairs.

He paused near the top, taking a deep breath, he hadn’t seen Laura since that night in the pub and he suddenly felt apprehensive at seeing her. It wasn’t butterflies or the excited anxiety that he thought he should feel, it was more that he wasn’t ready to see her. He needed more time to sort things out in his head, think what to do about James and she would know that something was wrong, she always did.

As he walked into the front bedroom, Laura was leaning over the body which was splayed flat across the bed and she looked up as he entered. Her eyes crinkled as she smiled in welcome, “Hi.”

He couldn’t help but smile back and for an instant all he wanted to do was hold her in his arms and have her arms around him. He wanted to rest his head on hers and feel the comfort she had always offered. There must have been something in his face that put her on alert as her smile faltered slightly.

She looked behind him, “No James again?”

Was it so unusual, for him to walk into a crime scene on his own that she would know James wasn’t working just from that? He felt a stab of unreasonable irritation at the thought.

“He’s away,” he evaded, not wanting to talk about it at all but especially not like this, surrounded by people.

“Again? He’s only just got back,” she stared at him for a moment, becoming serious, “Robbie?”

“What do we have?” He walked to the bed and studied the scene before him, nothing looked suspicious, just sad. Another young life wasted and each one he saw seemed to hit just that bit harder.

Laura’s concern didn’t completely disappear but she responded to his more professional attitude in kind, “Nothing to indicate any foul play, near empty bottle of vodka, a completely empty bottle of pills and no signs of struggle or bruising. Have to wait until after the autopsy but my preliminary finding is a suicide. Oh, and there is a note of sorts, left on the desk there,” she gestured in the general direction of a desk with neatly stacked books and folders on it.

A white suited SOCO handed him an evidence bag containing a torn-out page from a notepad, on it was an angry scrawl written in capital letters, ’I won’t go on”

Not I can’t go on. Won’t. It struck Robbie as strange and he turned, automatically looking for James to get his take on it, but his sergeant wasn’t there, instead he saw Laura looking at him thoughtfully.

“You done?” she asked him, nodding towards the bed. At his nod, she pulled off her gloves, stepped from around the bed and motioned for the mortuary assistants to move in and remove the body. She moved next to him glancing round to see if anyone was in earshot before asking, “Robbie are you alright?”

He smiled and nodded to the door,” Walk you to your car?” he offered.

He took her medical bag from her as they walked out of the bedroom and down the stairs, escorting her to her car parked a little way down the street. She opened the boot and took her bag back placing in inside.

“What is it Robbie and don’t say nothing, I know something’s wrong. If you’ve had second thoughts or…..”

“James has left,” he said quickly, cutting her off. He didn’t know where his thoughts were.

“Left? Left what?”

“The job, he’s resigned.”

She looked shocked, “But why? Is he alright? Was it something to do with when he was away? Something to do with working with the church again?”

“I don’t know Laura,” he interrupted her stream of concerned questions, “I haven’t spoken to him. It’s been…..” he rubbed the back of his neck and looked at the ground, “all a bit sudden.”

“Oh Robbie,” she held onto his arm, squeezing gently, “How are you doing?”

“Alright, I’m just trying to get my head around it really,” he looked back towards the house, “I’d best go take a proper look, but I see nothing to make me disagree with you.”

She smiled hesitantly, “Well, that will make a change.”

He tried to return the smile before walking back to the house, grateful for the excuse to put an end to the conversation.

________________

Robbie settled into a new existence, a new routine of working without James, of fending off Innocent’s attempts to pin him down on the unthinkable task of picking a new sergeant. Of spending many evenings and some nights at Laura’s, of driving passed James’ flat and looking for any indication he was back, of phoning and hearing that damned electronic voice mocking him. Unavailable, try again later, well he had been bloody trying, every bloody day.

All the while the worry for James was a relentless pressure that lay as heavy in him as the guilt for the way he had handled everything. Occasionally sparks of anger at James for leaving would ignite and he would be aware of his team being extra careful around him, none of them it seemed had James’ knack at drawing him out of one of his moods or his patience, Innocent had already fielded two complaints.

He knew that James was okay in one sense, Jean Innocent had let it slip, quite deliberately he thought, that she had spoken to him since he had left and that he seemed okay. But she was an unreliable source, she didn’t know what to look for, didn’t know how to tell if James was indeed okay or if he needed space to himself or to be pulled down the pub or how to get passed his defences to get him out of his own head for a while. Was he with anyone now, who knew these things that Robbie did? He’d never spoken of close friends or family, but with James who could tell. The need to know more had seen him, to his shame, scanning Innocent’s desk for information when she left him alone in her office. But he had found nothing.

A month after James left, Robbe parked outside James’ flat for what felt like the hundredth time, only this time was different. A van was parked outside and Robbie watched with a sinking feeling as a young couple carried boxes into James’ flat. The summer sun was high and strong in the early afternoon sky, but Robbie felt cold as he sat and watched trespassers fill James’ flat with alien things. A hideous looking side table was taken in, James would hate that, not his taste at all.

He found himself standing at the bottom of the steps leading to the door without even realising he had gotten out of the car and the sound of laughter floating out through the open door propelled him up and inside.

The young couple were putting things away in the kitchen cupboards and he stood unnoticed in the doorway surveying the living area, most of James furniture was still there as if awaiting his return. The absence of his books though was as sure a declaration of the man’s abandonment of his home as you could get.

James had been back in Oxford, within reach and he had been oblivious.

“Oh, hello,” the young women had finally seen him, “can we help you?” she asked uncertainly.

He pulled out his warrant card, holding it up for inspection as he walked further into the room, “D.I. Lewis, Oxfordshire Police, I was after the property owner, James Hathaway?”

“Sorry, he moved out, we’re leasing it.”

“For how long?”

“A year.”

“Do you have a forwarding address for him?”

“No. It was all done through Stubbs letting agency in town.” She looked worried, “Is there a problem?”

“No, no problem, I just need to talk to him, that’s all,” he took one last look around, feeling slightly stunned, the possibility that James wouldn’t come back to his home, well it had never even occurred to him. “Sorry to have bothered you.”

As he walked out, Elsa was standing outside her door and put a hand on his arm, “Cup of tea Robbie love? I’ve got the kettle on.”

He nodded and allowed himself to be ushered into her front room, the neat and tidy room with its’ prominent record player and wall of records took him back to the one and only time he had been in there before. When he and James had got her inside after her fall, James had spent some time looking at the records which dwarfed his own collection. He stood in front of them now whilst Elsa fetched the tea from her kitchen. Her flat had not been modernised and although it was without the airiness of James’ open plan, it was cosy and had the warmth of a much-loved home to it. Photos were everywhere, pictures of Elsa and Albert, younger, happy, they had travelled for sure, he recognised many different places, but there were none of any children. They lined the walls and stood proudly on the sideboard, a lifetime of memories ready to be relived at a glance.

“Tea?” Elsa came in with a small tray and placed it on the coffee table, looking him over shrewdly, “or something stronger?”

“Tea, I think, best not start on the hard stuff,” he sighed as he moved to sit in an armchair as Elsa took the one opposite him and poured two cups of tea.

“Not always easy to stop when you do.”

“You talking from experience Elsa?”

“Oh, I’ve had my dark moments, just like everyone else I expect.”

They sat in silence for a moment before Elsa chuckled softly, “You remind me of my Alfred you know, you’re a down to earth, straight-talking man, so ask what you need to know Robbie love.”

“You saw him? Spoke to him?”

“Yes.”

“How did he seem?”

She looked thoughtful for a moment, “Lost.”

One little word but it felt like a punch in the gut, “Did he say where he was?”

“No.” she tilted her head, looking down as she remembered their conversation, “He said he would be away for a while but that everything was fine, said he was doing some contract work so had had to leave.”

“Was there anything Elsa? Anything at all about what he’s doing or where he is?”

“He’s working at a university I think,” she said slowly, replaying things in her head.

Robbie felt a swell of hope rush through him, “Oxford?”

“No, I don’t think so.”

No of course not, James wouldn’t be here, in this city, it was just the hope talking.

Elsa regarded him quietly with a searching, penetrating look and reached out a hand grabbing his forearm in a surprisingly firm hold, “Find him Robbie, follow your heart.”

Robbie stiffened before relaxing under her compassionate expression, “You’d have made a good detective,” he said wryly.

She smiled at him, squeezing his arm briefly before settling back in her chair, “I just know love when I see it.”

Robbie wondered if it was because she was a near stranger that it was easier to talk to her or because she was older than he and had lived a full life. She understood pain and loss and hardship, or maybe he was just at breaking point and the need to talk was overwhelming.

“I’m too old for him Elsa.”

“Poppycock,” she waved a dismissive hand, “You’re frightened.”

“Maybe.”

She nodded knowingly glancing down at his left hand and the gold band that still adorned the ring finger, “You’ve lost like I have. But Robbie, do you wish you’d never had that love in the first place?”

“It’s not just me I’m worried about. You don’t know him, James is….. I know now how much he…..” What was wrong with him, he couldn’t seem to complete a sentence?

“Loves you? And you didn’t know that before?”

“Perhaps I couldn’t let myself believe it. I am a lot older than him, it’s likely I’d leave him alone and I don’t know how he would cope with that.”

“Do you wish an empty life for James then, rather than building memories to sustain him when things are tough? Who are you most scared for Robbie?”

“There was this case recently and I ….. “ he swallowed hard as the memory assaulted him again, “I thought I was going to have to watch him die, right in front of me, nothing I could do about it and that…..” his voice trailed off, face shrouded in fear and misery. “I couldn’t survive grief like that again,” Robbie whispered the words as it dawned on him that maybe that bottled up fear had pushed a lot of his actions lately and with that realisation the strength of his feelings for James were finally fully acknowledged. “If I lost him…..”

“And do you have him now?”

No he didn’t, not in any way and the emptiness was a constant companion and shouldn’t be there because he had Laura. Laura who he had feelings for and they were good together, they made each other laugh, they got on well, but something was missing. And he was beginning to think that he wasn’t the only one of them who felt it. It was strange to realise you felt closer to someone when you were friends than after you crossed the line into intimacy.

“I’m with someone else now,” he said by way of an answer.

That surprised her, he could see and he was glad that she couldn’t read everything about him.

“And yet this is the first time you’ve mentioned….. her?”

He nodded.

“I see.”

He wondered what she saw when lately he felt like he was stumbling around in darkness most of the time.

Elsa gave him another uncomfortable searching look before she continued, “Will either of you be truly happy when…..?” she faltered, seeing the irritation on his face.

“No, go on,” he said gruffly when he saw her holding back.

“When the love I see in your eyes is only when you speak of James?”

“I’m not sure that Alfred was the only straight talker in your relationship Elsa,” he said with some degree of annoyance.

“No.” She looked at him grinning, “It did make for some interesting times.”

_____

The pub was quiet for a Friday evening, but the greyness of the sky and the heavy showers probably had a lot to do with that. The weather though had nothing to do with the flat atmosphere around their table and as Laura finished her story of how one of the medical students had fainted mid autopsy all she got was a soft chuckle from Jean next to her. She looked to Robbie sat opposite, to see him staring out the window as if searching for something and she wondered if he was looking for a tell-tale plume of smoke or a tall, slim figure leaning against a wall, under the eaves sheltering from the rain.

He gave no indication he realised the conversation had come to a halt and it was only his mobile ringing that drew his attention away from the window. Laura smiled as he, kissed her cheek, made his apologies and left to return to the office, he hadn’t signed off on paperwork for a case, it had apparently slipped his mind, like a lot of things had lately.

Laura was grateful for the call away and for the chance to talk to Jean on her own, she had been wanting to for a while but was conscious that she was not just her friend but also Robbie’s boss and she had been reluctant to be too obvious about it reining in her natural tendency to go in all guns blazing.

The timing and speed of James leaving didn’t sit right with her, let alone him going without saying goodbye or giving any explanation. It hurt, she had thought they were close enough for her to at least merit a farewell and sitting alongside the hurt was worry. She couldn’t shake the feeling that he had left because she and Robbie had got together. Robbie wouldn’t talk about it, diverting the conversation whenever it veered towards James.

She sat for a moment casually fiddling with a beer mat and not looking at Jean she asked, “Have you heard from James?”

“Is this you asking or Robbie?”

“Robbie can ask for himself if he wishes to. I’d just like know how he is.”

“I’ve spoken with him.”

“Is he alright?”

“I think so, he’s not exactly an open book at the best of times.”

“Why did he leave?”

“He didn’t give me much of a reason,” the answer was swift as if the question was expected and Jean took a sip of her drink looking at Laura as if weighing something up.

“But you have a good idea?” Laura turned her full attention on Jean now.

“Do you?” Jean responded pointedly.

“I think so,” and she did, she really did, only she hadn’t let herself really let the idea take hold before.

“Do you think Robbie knows about James’ feelings for him?” Jean asked slowly.

“He’s in love with Robbie,” she knew the truth of it as she said it out loud, a thousand moments she had seen between them over the years all coming together.

“I think so,” Jean repeated back to her.

“That’s why he left?”

“Partly ….. maybe. It’s all conjecture Laura, I don’t know anything for sure.” She paused, taking another sip from her drink, “Except that Robbie’s not been the same since he left. Has he?”

Jean was being careful around her, Laura could tell she was holding back, she might not know anything for certain, but she had more thoughts on what had happened than she was willing to share, at least with her. And there was a definite emphasis on that last question, as if she was willing her to take a long look at the answer as to why. Why Robbie was so shaken by James leaving.

“He still hasn’t picked a new sergeant you know,” Jean changed the subject with the ease of one long practised, “hasn’t even looked at the list, thinks I don’t know that he’s stringing me along. So if he doesn’t act soon, I’ll take matters into my own hands and just assign him one. I’ll give you a heads up so you can avoid him for a day or so, that should give him time to calm down.

They didn’t stay long after that, the conversation had turned slightly stilted between them and Laura made her way home. She stayed sat in her car outside her cottage and watched as another heavy shower battered the flowers in her front garden, their heads bowed under the weight of the water and some petals already lay washed out on the path.

It wasn’t only the rain that kept her in her car as she replayed her conversation with Jean over in her mind. She knew that things weren’t right between her and Robbie.

Their relationship was new, so it was hard to tell what difference James’ leaving was making but things certainly weren’t how she’d imagined them to be. For a start they had settled into a routine far too quickly, fair enough they were both probably passed the young, all encompassing, exciting love stage in their lives and they had known each other a long time but they weren’t an old married couple either. Although it didn’t feel as comfortable as that, there was a distance that she hadn’t felt between them before. and what should be easy after knowing each other so long was taking a lot of effort and that she hadn’t expected.

When the rain eased slightly, she climbed out of the car and made a dash for the front door, keys in hand. After a quick shower and change into her favourite comfortable jeans and t shirt, she was soon sitting on her sofa, sipping a glass of wine and trying without success to read the book she hadn’t had time to finish.

Her mind kept wondering back to her conversation with Jean. It had brought more questions than the answers she had hoped for. Does Robbie know that James is in love with him? She thinks he does and it would explain why he’d hardly spoken to her about James’ leaving no matter how many times she had brought it up

The two of them had always been very protective of the other. Except on the rare occasions Robbie had asked her advice on James, neither one would discuss the others private business or emotions with anyone else, heck they wouldn’t even discus things properly between themselves as far as she could make out. But maybe she didn’t know as much about their relationship as she thought she did. She got an unsettled feeling in the pit of her stomach, maybe Robbie knew a lot more of why James left than she realised. And maybe just maybe they had to address that elephant in the room before they could sort out what was going on between them.

___

Robbie came round that evening bringing take away and they settled into their usual night of watching tv, but both of them were quiet and they sat further apart than normal. It was getting on for ten o’clock, the last of the summer light had faded and their quietness had turned into more of an awkward silence. They had been polite with each other all night and it was grating on Laura’s nerves.

Laura got up and took their empty wine glasses into the kitchen, placing them into the sink before returning to the doorway into the lounge. She stood and watched Robbie, the only light now was from the tv screen and it danced across his face as the picture changed, A nature documentary started and he was looking at the screen, but he wasn’t seeing the amazon jungle in all its glory revealed before him. He appeared lost in thought, retreating to whatever place it was he went to lately and he looked sad. This wasn’t how it was supposed to be, she should feel anger shouldn’t she? That he wasn’t really here with her? She didn’t, a bit annoyed maybe, mostly though, she felt frustrated and confused.

She walked further into the room, standing to the side of the sofa, “You’re not happy, are you?”

Robbie looked down at the floor shaking his head, “No…” he looked up at her, “you’re not either are you?”

“Perhaps I could be, if I thought you were really here. When James left, it’s like he took a part of you with him.”

“I miss him, I won’t deny it.”

“This is more than missing him Robbie, it’s almost like you’re grieving for him, or maybe,” she felt for the right words as she spoke, “for something you had with him.”

His silence spoke volumes.

“It’s not just James, is it?” she said with certainty.

“What do you mean?” he said looking up warily.

“Jean asked me if you knew that James was in love with you. I’ve come to realise that’s it’s not one sided.” She still hoped he would jump in and deny it, he didn’t. “You love him, don’t you?”

“Laura I’m sorry, I’m so very fond of you…..”

“Ah Robbie don’t. Just go.”

“Laura….”

“Get out Robbie,” she said quietly.

He stood up, collected his jacket from the back of the armchair and left.

_____

When Robbie got home, he went to pour himself a large whiskey. automatically reaching for two glasses and just stood for a while staring at them sitting on his kitchen counter. He could almost pretend that the last month or so hadn’t happened, that this was just another night when he and James had retired to his flat to mull over a case, celebrate a success or for one of them to gently tease the other, quietly pulling them out of themselves after a bad one.

He poured a large drink into one of the glasses and walked to the sofa, leaving the other empty and abandoned on the counter. He felt awful the way he had left things with Laura but there was also a sense of relief that it had finally been bought to a head. He wasn’t a deceitful person and not telling her the whole truth had felt more dishonest as time went on. He knew it was the right decision to end things between them and although the words hadn’t been said he knew that was what had happened. But he couldn’t leave it how it was, tomorrow he would go and see her, talk things through and try to explain as best he could. That is, if she would even let him through the door.

He slumped on the sofa, putting his untouched drink down on the coffee table and picked up the anthology of poetry book lying next to it. He hefted it up into his lap using both hands, the ruddy thing was big and weighed a ton and he thought must contain every poem ever written. But so far, he had failed to find the one he was searching for, the one James had quoted that night, he remembered the words, could hear James’ voice saying them in his head some nights when he lay awake.

He randomly flicked through, stopping to read when something caught his attention, and his fingers absently caressed the pages as he did. He had seen the big tome in the window of a second-hand book shop a week ago and it had drawn him inside the shop. He knew that James had the same book, he had seen it in his flat and it had been moved around a lot, he had seen it on his kitchen counter, his side table and his selves. Obviously it was one that James had delved into a lot and Robbie had purchased the second-hand copy on impulse. It was in good condition, cared for, but this was a book that had been used, not stuck on a shelf to impress visitors, you could see it in the binding, feel it in the pages. This was how James’ books were and he wondered if it was indeed James’ own copy, if the man had sold it before he left. He liked to think so, that he was touching the same pages that James had, was reading the exact same print as James had, it might just be in his mind but it still made the man feel closer.

An hour or so later, he closed the book, rubbing at his tired eyes and starred at his still untouched drink. He got up and purposely picked up the glass, taking it to the kitchen and poured it down the sink. Instead, he got a cup of tea and returned to the sofa looking over to Val’s photo as he sipped from the hot mug.

“Aye, I know pet, I’ve made a right mess of this. Finally ready to let you rest and look at me.” He didn’t really believe that she was looking down on him, that she would know what choices he had made since she left him, even so, it mattered, really mattered, what she would have thought. He sat gazing into his tea for a while letting memories run at their will through his mind, finding peace in the lack of the pain that had always accompanied them in the past.

He turned again to look at the beloved photograph, “You liked Laura I know,” he chuckled softly, remembering, a time too many years ago when the new pathologist had met his old boss, “you called him mouse for ages after I told you about their first meeting.” He sighed becoming more serious, “But James? What would you make of James then? I know we talked about it, well you talked about it more like, I tried to avoid it if I remember….. what we’d want if one of us…..” he couldn’t quite manage to say the word. I’d want you to move on she’d told him, live your life, love again. It hadn’t seemed possible, for years it just hadn’t seemed possible. He reached out tracing a finger over the photo, “It’s just I didn’t expect to be the one left behind.”

Sometimes it was hard to remember her voice, but he could hear it now as clearly as if she was sitting next to him, ‘I just want you to be happy, love’

He smiled, “You’d like him pet, I know you would.”

_____

Eventually Robbie had gone to bed and drifted into a restless sleep, tossing and turning most of the night. By eight o’clock he was walking along the high street in search of a decent coffee. The streets were near deserted that early on a Saturday which suited him perfectly, the less people he had to deal with the better. The independent café he and James preferred was bypassed in favour of a newly opened chain monstrosity, the kind they both would normally avoid if they could.

He couldn’t face sitting inside to drink and found himself walking towards the river, checking his watch every five minutes and wondering how early he could go to Laura’s. By quarter past he had had enough and decisively threw his half full cup in a bin, striding back to his flat to collect his car.

The greyness and rain of the day before had gone, making the sun seem even brighter as Robbie walked up the path and knocked on Laura’s front door. After a few moments he heard the lock click and the door opened slightly, Laura’s tired face peering round the gap.

She had a resigned look on her face and let the door open fully, standing aside and gestured with her head for him to enter. She didn’t look as if she had fared any better with sleep than he had, her hair was mussed and she again wore her favourite pair of jeans. An oversized blue cardigan he hadn’t seen before was held tightly closed around her with folded arms as she walked away leaving him to close the door. It was only when he caught his reflexion in her hall mirror that he realised how dishevelled he looked, unshaven in rumpled jeans and top, he smoothed down the collar on his rugby shirt as he followed her through to the kitchen.

Just yesterday he would have felt comfortable there, would have started making them both tea or burnt them some toast without a second thought. Now he stood awkwardly trying to find the words that could mend what he had broken. His eyes fell on a glass of red wine on the kitchen counter and the words were out before his brain had time to stop him.

“Bit early, isn’t it?”

She glared at him, “You don’t get to tell me that.”

“Laura, I’m sorry,” he didn’t just mean for his comment and she knew it.

Laura’s iciness thawed slightly, “It’s from last night,” she turned grabbing the kettle, “sit down Robbie.”

The only noises were the familiar comforting ones of Laura making tea and then the gentle thud as she put two mugs onto her wooden kitchen table, pulling a chair out to sit opposite Robbie. Her hands clenched round her cup as she looked across the table, she raised an eyebrow and her expression left no doubt that she expected him to talk.

“Laura, I am sorry, I never meant for things to work out like this lass, I wouldn’t deliberately hurt you. I do love you Laura and I don’t use that word lightly. I never have.”

“I know that Robbie,” she looked at him expectantly and nudged him along when the silence lengthened, “but, there is a but isn’t there?”

“You’re my best friend.”

“What every girl wants to hear.”

“Maybe the best friend I’ve ever had and I think I confused that for romantic love.” He dared to reach out his hand and lightly curled his index finger around hers at it lay next to her mug, grateful when she didn’t pull away, “I’m sorry,” he repeated.

“I have to admit things between us weren’t how I expected them to be either,” she moved her hand to more of a hold and gently squeezed his, before releasing and taking a sip of her tea as she gathered her thoughts. She had spent a restless night thinking things through and when the anger and the feeling of betrayal had run their course, she had begun to wonder if they could have made a go of it even without James being the one in Robbie’s heart.

Laura was a passionate woman, she always had been and what her and Robbie had shared was not that, she was no fool and knew that passion could fade over time in a relationship, but for it not to be there at all, that’s what she found difficult. And that wasn’t just coming from Robbie, the chemistry just wasn’t there.

“There aren’t exactly any sparks flying around are there?” She saw a brief flash of indignation cross his face and chuckled despite herself, “the sex is nice Robbie but,” she paused grasping for the words that would make sense of the way she had been feeling lately, what it was that she missed between them, “I felt closer to you when we were just friends. We’re too polite around each other now. And I’m not sure it would be any different even if you weren’t in love with your long-faced sergeant.” She looked at him searchingly, “And you are, aren’t you? In love with him?”

Robbie looked startled, but knew he should have expected her directness.

“Just tell me the truth Robbie, that’s all I ask.”

He owed her that no matter how uncomfortable it made him feel, he knew it, but it wasn’t just his truth to tell. He nodded, “Yes, I am in love with him,” he said quietly and it was freeing in a weird sort of way, to finally admit it out loud.

“So why…..?” she gestured between them.

“I thought it was because I didn’t realise it,” he took a deep breath releasing it slowly, he screwed up his face as he added reluctantly “but maybe I was just hiding from it, couldn’t face all it entails. He looked up at her, suddenly shocked at how it sounded and hastened to explain, “I didn’t realise that’s what I was doing. I really did want us to work, I wanted to be with you.”

At her nod of understanding he continued, “I thought I loved you enough, in the right way and that I could make you happy. That we’d all be happy.”

“And James?”

“I thought he would find someone his own age, start a family have someone who wouldn’t die on him when he’s still young.”

“And did James get a say on how his life was going to go?”

“Well he’s certainly had his say now hasn’t he?” he said with a touch of bitterness which elicited a questioning look and raised eyebrow. “Aye I know, I played my part in his leaving, more than you know and you should know Laura.”

This was his opening, to tell Laura what he had to, the bit he had been dreading more than any other. He should have told her earlier when they first got together, that would have been easier though it hadn’t seemed so at the time. And he had to tell her, anything less would be more of a betrayal, but before he could speak, she did.

“Oh Robbie you are an idiot sometimes,” she said in frustration, “James knows? That you love him?”

He shook his head, a sad look in his eyes, “I virtually told him that I didn’t.”

“No wonder he left,” she looked thoughtful, trying to work things out there was something she was missing, something had happened that she didn’t know about, she was sure of it. “He loves you. You know that?”

He nodded, “I do now. Laura, there’s something I have to tell you, something I wanted to tell you before,” he took a sip from his mug, giving himself a few moments to gather his courage and wished that, despite the early hour it was a shot of whiskey instead of a cup of tea. “Before James went to Pristina we ah, we slept together. It was in the middle of the Dawson case, before you and I got together and well, you were there, you know how difficult it was and things just sort of happened.”

“Just sort of happened,” she repeated, a slightly stunned look on her face, but it explained a lot, everything made more sense now.

“I think it had probably been building up for some time,” Robbie tried to explain further, “things between us had been changing, I just didn’t realise into what.”

He saw the hurt in her eyes and watched her face as hurt turned to anger.

“And I kissed you in front of him. Did you tell him? About us?” she didn’t wait for a reply, “No of course you didn’t, that would involve feelings and communication wouldn’t it?” she reached across the table and thumped him on his arm. She never would have hurt James that way had she known.

“Ow,” he rubbed his bicep gingerly, “I didn’t have a chance to talk to him, wasn’t expecting him back that early.” He thought how much she’d sounded like James ‘of course you didn’t tell us.’ There were two people who knew him better than he knew himself it seemed. “Laura, I swear, I didn’t do any of this deliberately. It felt so right with you, when we started out. I didn’t realise…..”

“Why?” she interrupted him.

“Why what?”

“You said you wanted to tell me earlier, why didn’t you?”

“It wasn’t just mine to tell. I guess I was trying to protect James,” he shrugged looking thoughtful.

“Protect him from what? From me?”

“No, not from you. He’s just a private person, too private. Most of the time you don’t know what’s going on in that head of his.”

“Most of the time you do,” she countered as she thought of all the times she had seen them communicate without words or toy with suspects in an interview room or have a whole conversation in two sentences.

“Sometimes I think I do. I don’t know half of what he’s thinking. He’s always thinking, that’s his problem”

“So now, what happens? You go looking for him?”

“Yes. Even if nothing happens between us, I can’t leave it how it is.”

She nodded, looking thoughtful.

“I’m not sure how to approach him, whether he will….”

“No Robbie,” she stopped him, shaking her head, “I can’t be the one that you talk to about James anymore. At least not for a while. We’ll get back there, but I just need a bit of time.” And she did, but it wasn’t the reality of them that she had to get over, maybe it was the idea of them that she had held onto for so long. Whatever it was, she knew she needed some time to work through it, time without Robert Lewis around.

He looked stricken, “Laura, I don’t want to lose you.”

“You won’t. You haven’t. I don’t give up on people who mean as much as you do and it works both ways Robbie, I don’t want to lose my best friend either.”

She smiled and Robbie thought when she smiled like that it could light up a room and your heart. He was grateful that he still got to see that smile.

“I will just say I think you should….” she began but stopped when she saw Robbie smile and shake his head, “what?” she asked a touch irritably.

“No, nothing,” he knew she couldn’t help herself, that her concern and empathy for those close to her would mean she was right. They would get back to where they were and he had a feeling that thankfully it wouldn’t be too long. “I’ve missed us.”

“You know what? I have too.” And she had she realised, despite what they were discussing they felt more like themselves than they had since they got together. “I don’t think we work as well as lovers as we do friends. Do you think it would have been different without James?”

Without James, he’d tried that and he didn’t like it, not one bit, but he thought seriously about what she was asking. “I think,” he said slowly, “I think that it would have taken us longer to get to the same point.”

She nodded, “I think so too.”

“What was it you think I should do?” he didn’t want to push things, but her advice would be more than welcome.

“I was going to say before I was interrupted…..”

“I didn’t say anything, you interrupted yourself…..” he pointed out, but the look she gave him made him think twice, “right, not the time.”

She ignored him, “That you have to know exactly what you want before you look for him, because if you go after him and then change your mind…..”

“I won’t. I just hope he still feels the same.”

She huffed out a breath moving her hand dismissively showing exactly what she thought of such a ridiculous statement.

“I’m sorry.”

“What for?”

“You need space and here I am talking to you regardless.”

“I know what I said,” she snapped at him, before grinning, “don’t quote me to me.” She sobered, looking at him earnestly, “I want you to be happy you know? Even if it’s not with me.”

“I want that for both of us.”

“I am happy Robbie, I enjoy my life. It’s just that there was a moment there where I thought we could be happy together.”

“He left without a word Laura, I have no idea where he is.”

“At least I know now why he left without saying goodbye. I wondered if I’d done something wrong or if I really didn’t mean anything to him after all.”

“He’s very fond of you. I don’t know how many people he calls friends, not many far as I can make out, but I do know that you are one of them.”

“Maybe not anymore.”

“He won’t blame you. Me? Yes, maybe even himself, but not you.”

She brought them back on track, “You can find him Robbie, you could have done it already if you’d wanted to. Be prepared for a rocky road when you do though, I may not be a Hathaway mind reader but I’ve seen him when he uses words as a weapon.”

“Mostly when he’s hurting or in defensive mode.” Laura gave him a pointed look, “Yeah, ok.”

Laura pushed her chair back away from the table and stood up, signalling an end to their conversation, “Ok, now I need that time Robbie, I wish you luck, I really do, but you need to keep me out of it now. Give me some space?”

He nodded and stood up moving round the table, he lifted his arms slightly and she closed the gap between them. The hug felt good and she settled her head against his chest as he nestled his cheek in her soft hair.

“Best friends can still hug, can’t they?” Laura said as she tightened her hold briefly.

“Absolutely,” he agreed squeezing back.

They broke apart and smiled at each other warmly before he left, thinking about what his next steps would be.

Chapter Text

Robbie spent the next week, getting things in order at work and applying for annual leave. He knew what he had to do now, decisions had been made and he felt more energised than he had in weeks. He felt like a caged animal or one of those race horses set to run and just waiting for the gate to open. But there was no getting out of a court hearing he had been summoned to attend, the only good thing was that James hadn’t been called as well. He did not want their meeting to be in those circumstances, restrained and surrounded by lawyers and other officers.

He was released from court late on the Thursday morning and headed straight to CI Innocent’s office as soon as he got back to the station. One more day and he was free and clear and he would be able to find James and find out if there was any chance to regain what they had. No not what they had, what they should have had.

As he arrived, she was in her outer office, talking to her personal assistant who was handing over a pile of messages and papers.

“Ma’am,” he called out, “can I have a word?”

She motioned toward her door, “Come in,” she settled in at her desk, glancing at the papers in her hand, “I’ve approved your annual leave request,” she said as she began sorting the papers into some order of importance.

“Not why I’m here,” he paused, it hadn’t even occurred to him that that could have been an obstacle, “but thank you Ma’am.”

She finally looked up at him and motioned him to take a seat, “Why are you here then Robbie?”

“Do you know where he is?” His expression was determined and his gazed didn’t waver.

She returned his stare impassively as the reason for his leave request became apparent.

“I can find him if I have to, it will just take me longer.”

“I don’t doubt that you could, but Robbie, have you thought what you’ll do when you do find him?”

“I have,” he was well aware that she had her own thoughts on what had happened between him and James, but he wasn’t going to elaborate on her theories. There was a big part of him that was grateful to her looking out for James, but he wouldn’t allow her newly found protectiveness to stop him.

It still grated on him, even now after they had worked together so long and were friends of a sort that she tended to pry into what he saw as his own personal business. He was only involving her now because he knew that she would have a forwarding address for James, leaving the police meant paperwork and having contact details on file in case of court summonses.

She sat for a few moments regarding him intently before coming to her decision, “He’s in Cambridge, working for a Professor Trunswick.” She tapped on her keyboard, reached for pen and paper and scribbled down a number on a post it note. “Here’s his new number, I don’t know where he’s staying but his post is going to Pembroke college.

“Thank you,” he took the paper, “I’d appreciate it if you didn’t tell him I was coming.”

“Don’t warn him you mean?”

“It’s not a matter of warning him…..”

She held her hand up, “It’s alright I won’t let him know. I won’t lie to Laura about this though, so do I have to avoid her until you get back?”

“Laura knows what I’m doing,” he was reluctant to go into details but he owed Innocent something, she was in a tricky position he realised, on good terms with them both and not wanting to hurt either. “Laura and me, we’re not together anymore.”

He stood up ready to leave but she stopped him.

“Robbie, be sure.”

“Ma’am?”

“Before you go just be sure what it is you want. Don’t mess him around.”

Even as he felt his hackles rise at her comment, he wondered if James knew how much the people he had left behind still wanted to look out for him. His lips set in a hard line before he ruefully admitted to himself that from her perspective she had a point, but he knew better. The reason he hadn’t tracked James down already when the need to see him had been a constant pull on his heart was that he hadn’t wanted to hurt him anymore than he had. If he wasn’t sure what it was that he wanted then he wouldn’t be doing whatever it took to get to him now. If the man had ended up in Outer Mongolia then that’s where he would have gone, that he was nowhere further east than the fens was a bonus.

With a single nod of acknowledgment, he walked out of her office already planning the best way to get to Cambridge.

“Good luck Robbie.”

He wasn’t sure he was meant to hear the softly spoken words and when he glanced back, her attention was fully on her computer screen as she tapped at her keyboard.

_____

It was Friday evening when Robbie arrived in Cambridge and driving through the city had been a nightmare, worse than Oxford and he didn’t think that had been possible. He swore under his breath as the only parking space he’d seen was taken by the vehicle in front and so he pulled over onto double yellow lines and went into nearby shops to ask where the nearest hotel was.

Not a great deal of choice in the city itself, he had been informed, especially if you want parking, but after missing the car park entrance twice, he had managed to book in at the central Travelodge. Not the best introduction to the place where James had retreated to.

Robbie had never been to Cambridge, he hadn’t known what he expected really, a mirror image of Oxford maybe but it wasn’t like that at all. It felt more open like you had space to breath, more of a large town feel than a city, as if a group of scholars set up home there and then the town grew up round them to suit their needs.

He took in the atmosphere and the sights as he walked around getting his bearings, fighting the urge to find James straight away. He would rather not face that meeting tired and worked up from a long drive and a week of restless nights.

As he walked around the streets in the evening sunshine, he could see more differences between the two places that James had called home. The college buildings were of more varied styes and bigger than their Oxford counterparts, but still as ancient and impressive.

Oxford may boast two rivers but neither seemed as embedded in the landscape or as connected with the city itself as the Cam did although walking along to the Backs there were still the same tourists trying their hand at punting in the fading evening light. It reminded him of the quiet times after a hectic day at work when he and James would sit with a pint or two and watch with amusement the results of those efforts on the Cherwell. There were no pubs along this part of the Cam though and access was limited, unless you were on the water itself or you belonged in the academic sphere of one of the colleges bordering it.

He had to admit that Oxford had nothing like the Backs with their immaculate lawns by the river and as the name suggested backed by some of the oldest colleges in Cambridge. It was peaceful, quiet in way that you would never know that it was just a stone’s throw from the city centre, but instead of relaxing, Robbie found it grated on his nerves. It was too quiet like the stillness before a storm, even the background hum of voices and tourists’ laughter felt muted to his ears and he headed back to the busier streets with the traffic and bicycles and the restaurants preparing for their busy Friday night.

He could see why James liked it here, the place suited him and he could see the man living in this city of scholars. A sliver of apprehension coiled its way round his heart as he thought that the place may fit him in a way that Oxford never had. But James had returned home to Oxford before, he was hoping he would again.

He found himself standing opposite Pembroke college, staring up at the impressive entrance with its large arched wooden doors and twin bay windows. This felt exactly like Oxford, go through gate houses like that in either city and you entered another world, one with its own rules and traditions and its own hierarchy. He knew James was likely somewhere in there right now and it gave him hope that it had been relatively easy to find him. Because if at least a part of him didn’t want to be found, it would have been much more difficult to do.

He glanced to his left and caught his breath as he saw a distinctive golden head in the middle of a group of people walking towards the college gates. Robbie instinctively pulled back into a doorway watching James deep in conversation with the man walking beside him and he felt an irrational stab of jealously when the two went through the college gates together and the rest of the group continued down the street.

The porter closed the gates behind them, the clanking of keys carrying across the road as he locked up for the night and Robbie turned and walked back to his hotel.

Later that night, lying on his bed, Robbie’s thoughts ran to the man he had seen with James. He was younger than Robbie, but not by much and had that distinguished professor look and Robbie wanted to know more about him. If only he could magic information from his phone like James could, he may have been able to find his picture on the university site.

His jealousy had receded quickly, a gut reaction that had been unworthy of him and of James, but it had set off another worry gnawing at him that made him hope that James wasn’t too close the mystery man. Because he knew James and he knew that when he was really hurting, he did not always make the wisest choices. Zoe and Scarlett screamed out at him, images of Zoe cradling James so still lying on her bed while the heat and noise intensified and the flames grew closer. Watching as Scarlet’s words had hit home, striking a man already wounded and James had been quiet and more distant for some while after.

Both times James was vulnerable and both times he hadn’t reached out to Robbie, he had gravitated towards people who would hurt him. He had thought, hoped that they were closer, more open with each other and that if there were a next time, he would have been the one that James turned to. He just never thought that it would have been himself who would have made that impossible.

_____

Mid-morning the next day Robbie was back at Pembroke and had hoped to find James in his rooms, but was informed by one of the friendliest porters he had ever met, that he most likely would be at the main university library, a pleasant fifteen minutes’ walk away. He briefly considered waiting for him to return but dismissed the idea quickly, he had done enough waiting, he needed to act and so he headed to the library.
He tried to use the walk to get to that calm place that he could often find in the middle of a case, where answers would come to him and he would know what he had to do to accomplish his goal. It didn’t work, he still felt wound up, tense, with no real idea of how to approach James, he knew what he wanted to tell him, but how to say it was eluding him.
The main University library looked nothing like The Bodleian, it looked more like Battersea Power Station to Robbie, with dark red brick walls and long narrow windows. It was impressive though, large and imposing and its central tower loomed high above him as he took the steps to the main entrance.

His reflection in the glass doors caught his attention and he took a moment to check his appearance, smoothing his wind ruffled hair and straightening his new shirt, he didn’t often second guess himself, but he did doubt his sanity in buying the damn thing. Walking one day with James past the posh clothes shop in town, the shirt had been in the window and James had snagged his arm, pulling him towards the display window, ‘see that?’ He’d said, ‘much better than the ones you grab with your spuds at Tesco. Would look good on you as well, that blue.’ ‘Give over’ he had answered roughly, but in the weeks since had often found himself looking at the window when he had passed the shop.

He had no idea what made him go and buy the bloody thing before heading to Cambridge, some strange notion of wanting to please James? Maybe, but he knew one thing for certain and that was that things between them would not be fixed by a new shirt. He saw his serious expression in the window and closed his eyes as he exhaled a sharp breath. What the hell was he doing, acting like some nervous teenager? James had seen him looking in worse states than this and the man wouldn’t care what he was wearing, all he would be interested in was what he had to say. Still, it mattered and he couldn’t work out if it was a little bit of vanity or maybe he just wanted James to know that his opinion mattered, shaking his head at himself, he made his way to the reception desk.

Robbie was not surprised that she knew James by name, he was distinctive and the lad could be a charmer when he wanted to be, and they both knew that being on the good side of people who could either make your life easy or difficult never hurt. He had to use his own charms to get into the university accredited library, that and his police badge. He was directed to the rare books section, way back in the north west corner of the vast building on the first floor as the place most likely James would be.

Like all big libraries there was an echoing silence broken only by the occasional cough or muted voice and the sound of his own footsteps as he climbed the ornate stairs up to the first floor.

His palms were sweaty and he could actually feel a slight tremor in them as he followed the signs to the rare books reading room. The feeling was not one he was very familiar with but it did stir a memory from long ago, mouth dry, forcing legs to move him forward, knowing that the answer he sought could change his whole life and being afraid of what that answer would be.

Then, his life had changed from single and carefree to family man with responsibilities and he had loved every moment. Back then he had known what the changes would likely bring, what his life would be like, but now? Well, now, if James wanted to be with him, he was a bit unsure what that would look like, he only knew that he wanted to find out, wanted it with all his heart.

The room he found himself in was still large, about the size of most city libraries, but it had a cozier atmosphere, the desks and tables were scattered around in-between rows of old wooden shelves crammed full of ancient looking tomes.
He searched, walking slowly his eyes scanning all around, searching out the little recesses checking them for a familiar figure. There weren’t many people around, non-term time and on a Saturday but, there were more than Robbie had expected.

Robbie rounded the corner of yet another book shelf and came to an abrupt halt. A shaft of sunlight through one of those long strange shaped windows highlighted golden hair, longer than Robbie was used to seeing it. He knew the feel of that hair through his fingers, had brushed his lips over the soft strands as he had bestowed a kiss there before falling into an exhausted sleep. Memories he hadn’t allowed himself to relive came flooding in, of what it felt like to touch and kiss and to respond to James. To not know that again would be hard to take, that he could have thrown it away out of fear and confusion and what that would do to James would be harder to deal with.

James was sitting side onto him, head bent down at a large table that faced across open space to the windows beyond and it must be the most isolated spot in the whole place, no other working stations around, just shelves and books. There were books scattered across the desk, some opened, some closed. A notepad with his unmistakable hand writing haphazardly strewn across the page in an order that only made sense to James was to his right-hand side. He was engrossed in his study and so Robbie could take his time, drinking in the sight of him. He was holding his pen to his mouth rolling it slowly across his bottom lip as he read, his left hand curled around the top of a large ancient looking book. Two fingers drummed softly on the paper as he was reading some strange looking script that Robbie couldn’t entirely make out but from his angle but looked like Latin.

Dressed in skinny dark blue jeans and a Cambridge blue hoodie, small rucksack on the floor beside him, he looked both alien and familiar. He had seen James countless times engrossed in work or with his head in a book, usually in a suit, but it was the setting that made it so unfamiliar. This was a world that he himself had never been a part of, had never wanted to be part of and James, well he could thrive professionally in this environment and lose a big part of himself in the process.

James moved his pen, licking the tip of it before he started to write, in a familiar action that Robbie had stopped seeing as odd long ago, now it was just something that James did and it spurred Robbie to action, he moved forward, slowly coming to stand beside the table.

“Hello James.”

James’ whole body stilled for a few seconds as his writing came to an abrupt halt before he raised his head, keeping his eyes focused on the space in front of him, deliberately not looking at Robbie.

“Inspector Lewis,” he acknowledged coldly without even a sideways glance his way.

And wasn’t that a kick in the guts. It was no more than he deserved, but it still hurt. He was used to Sir and had become expert at deciphering all the different nuances that James could infuse it with. Sometimes lately it seemed more like a nickname from James’ lips, he was able to convey so much in that one little title, if you knew how to listen. But Inspector Lewis? He didn’t think James had ever addressed him that way and it showed that James had travelled more than 84 miles away from him.

Then James turned and blue green eyes were looking up at him meeting his gaze head on and for a fleeting moment he was certain he’d seen a flicker of something there. Hope? Relief? His own wishful thinking? He wasn’t sure.

“What can I do for you?”

“Well, you can call me Robbie and then maybe come and have a pint with me?”

James shook his head briefly, “I’m working. What do you want?” he asked in a tone that conveyed irritability and condescension in equal measure.

You, Robbie’s mind supplied the answer straight away, he was only grateful he didn’t say it out loud, not the right time and place would be an understatement. “Like I said, go for a pint, have a chat maybe? That alright?”

“No, it is not alright,” James snapped, his voice raising as he continued. “You just turn up here and…..” he took a deep breath looking around at where he was, “I’m working,” he repeated almost like he was using the words as a shield.

His attention went back to the scribbles on his note pad, he began to write as he turned the page on the large book beside him, the pages making the dull heavy rustle that only old thick paper did. It was as clear a dismissal as if he had been told to bugger off.

Robbie watched him for a minute, “I’ll wait,” he looked around him, “I’m sure I can find something here to read.”

That earned him a swift head turn and upward flick of the eyes, James’ disbelief was quickly conveyed before Robbie was shut out again as he returned his attention to his books.

The library section appeared to be mainly books in Latin but he finally managed to find one in English, only trouble was it was the type of English of bloody Shakespeare. Still as its only purpose was as a prop to watch James it hardly seemed to matter, at least it was one he could pretend to read. He took a seat on the opposite side of the large table that James was working at, but a few chairs down, planting himself directly in front of him felt a bit to confrontational.

He had been aware as he had looked for his riveting book on manor house boundaries that James had kept an eye on his movements around the shelves. Just as now he knew that every so often James would furtively look up, keeping an eye on him. Occasionally their eyes would meet and James would quickly look away, his body was taut, shoulders hunched, his writing was sharp and lacked its usual flow, but he showed no signs of leaving.

It felt very much like a stand-off, both of them could be stubborn when the mood took them and they were trying to wait each other out. That was just fine with Robbie, if they waited long enough, they’d both be chucked out together when the library closed.

It was James who made the first move, swiftly rising, stuffing his notepad in his rucksack, closing books and gathering them up, then he seemed to falter realising he couldn’t make a quick exit as well as put the books back. His reverence for books and library etiquette won out and he moved steadily, returning tomes to their rightful places before he strode towards the stairwell.

Robbie fell into step beside him and they silently made their way outside. Robbie stayed with him, matching his stride down the steps to the paving in front of the library where James stopped abruptly, turning to face him as he did, “We’ve said everything there is to say, go back to Oxford and leave me alone,” he said tersely.

“There’s a lot more to say James, starting with an apology, if you’ll let me.”

“You can’t apologise for how you feel,”

“I can apologise for being wrong,” he rubbed the back of his neck, looking beyond James’ shoulder before returning his gaze to the man in front of him, “about a lot of things.”

“I don’t want…..”

“Ah James.”

A voice cut in and Robbie turned to see the same man that James was with yesterday walking towards them, raising a hand in friendly greeting.

“Glad I saw you,” he continued as he reached them, “Elizabeth and I are meeting at the Boathouse if you want to join us for lunch.”

James barely glanced at him, “No, I can’t right now,” he said shortly.

“We could talk about the funding for the Ennius project.”

“I said no,” then James did look at the man and grimaced, “thank you, but I really can’t now.” he added in a softer tone.

The man looked with concern between them, moving forward slightly and regarded Robbie with suspicion, “Is everything alright James?”

“Fine,” James said as he looked at Robbie, he waited a few seconds and when the man stayed with them, he looked back to him, “really Peter everything’s fine, thank you,” he said as he placed a reassuring hand on his arm.

Peter didn’t look very convinced, but took the hint, “Well if you’re sure, I’ll see you next week,” he gave Robbie a pointed look before he walked away.

“Who was that?” Robbie asked needing to know. He had spent their exchange assessing the new arrival, trying to get a sense of the man and whether he posed any threat to James.

James misinterpreted his interest and the look he received was scathing, “My new boyfriend.” He cocked his head inviting a comment.

“I didn’t mean it like that,” Robbie said softly.

James settled his rucksack on one shoulder, turned to leave, Robbie reached out, instinctively grabbing his arm and he halted, standing tense and still. Not pulling away, but not turning back either.

“James…..” there was no reaction, “there are things I need to say to you, please let’s talk eh?”

“Let go of my arm,” his voice was plaintiff but he still didn’t try and pull away, Robbie could only see his face in profile but he was in no doubt that James wanted to leave, there was no amount of coaxing that could be done, James wasn’t open to it, at all.

Reluctantly Robbie released his hold and James walked away.

“I’ll be at the The Mill from five,” he called to the retreating figure. “I’m buying.”

_____

Robbie was at the pub well before five and for the first time in years, he ordered a half pint not wanting to drink too much straight off. The evening may well end in him drinking a lot more, in solitude, but he wasn’t there yet, there was still hope that James would show up. By half past six that hope had dwindled and as he sat in the pub looking out at another lovely summer evening nursing an orange juice, he contemplated his next move. Leaving the city without talking to James was unthinkable, but how and where best to try again needed thinking about.

Laughter from outside caught his attention and he watched as a group of young people stood up from the tables outside the front of the pub and went on their way, leaving the area looking rather abandoned. At least it matched his mood. It was a nice pub, one he ordinarily would enjoy, there were two tables out front virtually on the pavement but most people seemed to take their drinks across the road, where a bridge crossed the Cam onto a large green area with mature trees scattered around.

Laundress Green he had been told by the barman was very nice and he was welcome to take his drink over there, however he should be aware that there was no seating. He had smiled and nodded and resisted the temptation to grab the nineteen-year-old patronising sod by his shirt, whilst informing him that he was not some doddering old man who couldn’t sit on the grass if he so wished to.

He moved his left hand around exposing his inner wrist and absently fingered his watch with his right hand, quarter to seven, maybe it was time to admit defeat. He looked back to the bar, the nineteen-year-old idiot was busy chatting up an attractive young lady who was sitting at the bar, he would rather enjoy interrupting his romantic endeavours, asking for a pint and a whiskey chaser.

When he raised his head for one more look out the window, his breath caught and he smiled in relief, sitting on a table, his feet on the bench seating and his back to the pub was James, still wearing his hoodie, he looked from the back, younger than his years. He was gazing across the road to the green a half-smoked cigarette being lifted to his lips, leaving a trail of smoke in its wake.

Robbie walked out into the evening sun, a pint in each hand as he approached the table, standing beside it much like he had in the library before. He took a sip from one glass and tried to pass the other to James who made no move to take it from him, so he carefully placed it on the table. He sat on the bench next to James’ feet facing the green, his back leaning against the table. He was glad when James moved to sit on the bench beside him, but further away than normal and instinctively Robbie tried to shuffle a bit closer, not used to there being so much space between them. He was blocked as James turned, reaching back to the ash tray on the table and stubbing out his cigarette as he blew his last lungful of smoke upward away from Robbie.

“It’s nice here,” Robbie felt like a suspect in an interview room, needing to fill the silence, saying anything to fill the void. It wasn’t a confession though, not yet, “Not Oxford mind, but nice.”

“It has advantages over Oxford.”

Robbie didn’t ask what, he was painfully aware that him not being around would be one of them. James still didn’t look at him and the edge of the table was uncomfortable, digging into his back as he leant against it.

“This isn’t doing my back much good,” despite himself it seemed, James flashed him a concerned look as Robbie stood up and stretched before moving round the other side of the table sitting properly. He placed his pint on the table in front of him, rested his forearms either side of it and waited, staring at James’ back willing him to meet him halfway. Whenever they had edged around a heavier topic, it was usually done side by side as if that made it alright somehow, small sidewards glances to gauge the others response. Not this time, this time things would have to be different if there was any hope of them moving forward.

James swung his long legs over the bench seat, turning to face Robbie, picked up his pint and took a deep drink, he put it down between them, tongue darting out to lick the froth from his upper lip, before he looked up, “You had things to say.”

He had, but for the life of him, at that moment he did not want to start, wasn’t sure where to begin, but more than that, he didn’t want to say the words, to lay his heart open and then watch James walk away from him anyway.

“It’s good to see you,” he smiled hopefully.

But James just narrowed his eyes in response, a slight scowl forming. “Why are you here?”

“You walked out on me,” the words escaped before his conscious mind caught up. That was not what he wanted to start with.

James flinched slightly, “You made it clear there was nothing to walk out on. Anyway, that was two months ago, you’ve hardly chased me down.

“I needed to be sure of things before I came.”

“What do you want?” James repeated firmly but with a touch of desperation as if he just wanted to know so he could leave and end the agony of being with Robbie.

“Right then….” He knew it was now or never, but it wasn’t easy, not for him it wasn’t, he had never been one for laying his heart open. Val had made it easy, had shown him how, but this was James and easy was the last thing this felt like. But this was the only chance he was going to get and he damn well was going to give it his best shot.

“That last night,” he paused, “no not just that last night, I’ve cocked this whole bloody thing up starting with that first night, when I, when we…..,well it shouldn’t have happened.” He saw James’ face tighten, “it shouldn’t have happened like that, not that way,” he clarified. “I don’t regret what happened James, just the way it did. I handled things badly and I hurt you, the last person in the world I ever wanted to.”

“Expect Laura.” The words fell flat between them, not quite an accusation, not quite a question.

“I’m not with Laura anymore.”

James’ brow furrowed and he tilted his head slightly in confusion, before he gave a short laugh, “The longest courtship in history and the relationship lasts less than two months.”

“Aye well, it took me longer than it should have to realise that I was with the wrong person,” he stared at James hoping that he would see in his face what he was trying to say.

James looked at him intently, swallowed hard and opened his mouth as if to speak, like he wanted to ask a million questions but couldn’t quite form the words. Instead, he picked up his pint and took a sip, placing his hands around the glass when he returned it to the table and staring into its depths. He didn’t look up when he eventually said quietly, “I won’t be your consolation prize.”

Robbie couldn’t help biting back, “Is that what you think of me?”

James sighed, shaking his head, silently refuting his own words, “Your rebound then.”

“Oh for heaven’s sake man, think what you like but he truth is…..”

“Thank you, very kind,” James interrupted him.

There was a sharp edge to his voice and Robbie knew that whatever had prompted the retort was important to him, “What’s that supposed to mean?”

All he got in response was another head shake and James wouldn’t meet his eyes, but Robbie wasn’t having that, they needed to clear the air, not hold onto grievances. “Come on, what is it?” he asked softly.

“When I asked you about love, you said that you didn’t love me and I shouldn’t love you.”

Robbie had been over and over that conversation in his head, it’s not one he thinks he will ever forget, but it still took him a few seconds to realise what James was talking about. “James, there’s…..”

“You had no right to tell me what I’m allowed to feel.”

That’s what had rankled? Being told that he had no right to his own feelings, Robbie hadn’t meant it like that, but that’s how James saw it. “That’s not what I meant. I didn’t want you to love me. I wanted more for you.”

“More?” James looked at him incredulously, “Ah of course, the mythical wife and children that would make my life complete.”

“Look James, I’m sorry alright, I really am. There’s lots of things I shouldn’t have said that night and a damn sight more I should have,” he wanted to sink the rest of his pint and get a double shot of whiskey or he could even do with one of James’ cigarettes, he had never smoked, but now felt like a good time to start.

Instead, he looked at James until the man meet his gaze, “I’ve been a bit of a fool lad. Laura and I didn’t work out, I don’t think we ever would have, but certainly not when my heart is elsewhere. Look we both know I’m no good at this stuff but, here it is James,” he reached out his left hand taking hold of James’ right where it rested on the table, gripping firmly, a show of intent from him in the very public space. “I’d like there to be an us. And I’d like to give us a proper go. In case you haven’t realised it yet I’ve being trying to say that I love you.”

James looked down at their hands, then scanned the area around them and the people nearby, before he looked back to their hands. He understood the message, Robbie was sure he did and he tightened his grip on James’ hand just enough to confirm his silent declaration. He wouldn’t hide them from anyone, wouldn’t hide it from himself.

James stared at their hands, but didn’t speak and Robbie got a sinking feeling, but he wouldn’t lose James without a fight. A fight that maybe James needed him to put up. He gently pulled James’ hand forward slightly, moving his right hand and enclosing James’ hand within both his own and that made startled blue eyes look up at him. “I’m in love with you,” he clarified, “and I was a fool not to acknowledge it before.”

James put his left hand on top of Robbie’s patting it gently, almost absently, his gaze on the table as he spoke softly. “I’ve tried, these past months, but I don’t know how to do it.”

“Do what?”

“Stop loving you.”

The surge of hope in Robbie warred with the ache in his heart at how miserable James sounded. He decided to let hope win, “And that’s a good thing. Isn’t it?

James stood abruptly and Robbie let his hands fall away. Pulling out his cigarette packet, James motioned with his head to the green opposite, “I need…..” he looked unsure of what he did need before he finished, “….. to walk.”

He strode over to the road and Robbie stood up not ready to watch him walk away, but he didn’t, he waited at the roadside, one hand running over his head, making the slight curls messy, the other gripping his packet of cigarettes, the box crumpling under the pressure. He made no attempt to cross through the sparse evening traffic until Robbie joined him and they crossed over together. They walked over the cobbled bridge, where rows of punts on the river below were moored waiting for more tourists to arrive the next day, a young man, dressed in a uniform from one of the guided tour companies sat on the wall, his legs dangling over the side above the water as he counted out his tips.

It all felt a bit surreal to Robbie as he kept pace with James along the path by the river, walking beside each other like countless times before, but his wasn’t Oxford, it had the elements of home but was distorted, like a dream version. His eyes flicked sidewards to see James walking, head bowed slightly as he stared at the ground in front of him and Robbie ached to know what was going through his mind. But he wouldn’t ask, knew better than to push at that moment, he had to wait for James to respond however badly he wanted to end the silence.

He focused on the surroundings realising that Laundress Green was in fact an island, the Cam split round it before joining again further on where another bridge would take them off the island again, buildings and the road where they had come from lined the opposite bank of the river to their left. To their right was the green and then the river again, it was much bigger than it seemed from the pub, ancient looking willow trees lined the bank of the split river there, other large trees that Robbie didn’t know were scattered around and beyond the oasis, above and behind the trees were more buildings where the city reasserted its claim to the landscape.

There were people sitting and lying on the grass, some with drinks, a few with picnics all enjoying the late evening sun. Then something caught his eye, and he instinctively put his hand on James’ arm which was bent at the elbow as he finally lit a slightly dented cigarette from the seemingly forgotten packet he had been gripping.

“Cows,” he said not quite believing it wasn’t a trick of the light.

“What?” James sounded distracted as he slipped his lighter back into his jeans pocket.

“There are cows.”

James threw a glance the way Robbie was pointing, “Yes.”

It wasn’t a trick of the light, there were ruddy great cows lying down right in amongst the people, people having picnics with cows in the middle of the city. Cambridge was a strange bloody place.

They crossed the other bridge and the paved river path opened up into more fields, James veered off the path walking across the grass towards a more secluded area and stopped beside one of the large Willows, its majestically drooping branches hung behind him as he looked down at his feet and took a pull on his cigarette. He looked up at Robbie who had come to stand in front of him,

“You were so adamant that it wouldn’t work. We had to face the facts, you said, so many reasons, the age difference for one,” he rolled his eyes, “neither of us has changed birth dates.”

“It was more than one thing James, but I’ve worked through a few things since then and the way I behaved well, I know,” he paused, before he clarified his thought, “at least I know now what the driving force behind it all was….”

A snort of cynical laughter cut him off and he looked questioningly at James.

“You sound like you’ve seen a therapist,” James said with a bite in his tone.

Robbie laughed ruefully, “Aye, suppose I have in a way.”

James’ eyes widened as if he couldn’t believe what he had heard.

Robbie shook his head, becoming serious again, “The thing is I,” he came to a halt as he searched for the words, “this isn’t as easy as Laura makes out.”

James’ face tightened in response to her name and Robbie mentally kicked himself. No it wasn’t easy but not having James in his life would be a damn sight harder and that thought spurred him on “The thing is I realised what you’ve come to mean to me, how much I feel for you and the fear of losing you and I could have so easily when you tackled Dutton and how could I possibly go through that again James? Survive that again? Well I think it made me try and put some distance between us.”

James eyes widened, a slightly stunned look on his face as the weight of Robbie’s words hung in the air, “Well I helped you with the distance part,” he said quietly looking down at the ground.

“I didn’t really believe that you could feel so much for me either, I’m everything you shouldn’t want and I can’t give you what most people your age want out of life.”

“No,” James brought his head up sharply, moving his hand in a dismissive gesture which sent the ash on the end of his cigarette falling away, “Don’t do that, stop talking about what I should want. I want you and if it doesn’t happen it won’t be because of some notion you have stuck in your head about what I should want or what I need.”

Hope nearly drowned out the rest of what James said and Robbie smiled ‘want’ James had said, present not past tense.

“You still want me.”

“Of course I do, but it’s not that simple.”

“Aye, I know,” he had to take it slow, no matter how much he didn’t want to, James was here, talking to him and that was more than he had expected an hour ago even. “I’ve got some time off work, why don’t I stay around for a while? We can spend some time together, no pressure.”

“I have to work.”

“I can work around whatever it is you’re doing.” He looked puzzled, “What are you doing?”

“Researching and translating ancient Latin texts, highlighting anything that would be relevant to Lizzie’s work on medieval visionary genre.”

“Lizzie?”

“Professor Trunswick.”

“Ah, her with the astro zoros.”

“Zoroastrians.”

“Of course. Well it sounds…..,” he searched for the right word, James would know interesting would be a lie so he decided on the truth, “ it sounds quite boring actually.”

“Not to me. Why do you always show your impatience, your disregard for knowledge for knowledges shake.”

“I’m Sorry.”

“No you’re not.” James knew him too well.

“You know you’re right, I’m not sorry. You’re better than that James you can do so much more with your life than burying yourself in academia, and ending up some great Oxford cheese,” he said raising his voice in frustration.

“Like being a police officer,” James spat out the words.

“Aye well there are worse things and you’ve got a talent for it that’s for sure,” it still irked him that James could just walk away so suddenly and completely not just from him but from a job he was so good at.

“So instead of a stinking old cheese I can end up a bitter old copper who has nothing in his life except the job?”

Robbie felt the sting from James’ words and bloody hell how had things got heated so quickly? When they’d argued like this before, when James had pushed buttons that only he knew how to, Robbie had always walked away, his first instinct to put space between them. Maybe that’s what James was trying for, going to push until he walked away and then he’d think that Robbie’s words couldn’t be trusted, but he wouldn’t let that happen. If he allowed himself to be pushed away this time when he came back, he knew it wouldn’t matter James wouldn’t let him back in, not if he went now. So he calmed himself down and tried to defuse the situation before it escalated.

“You’re right lad,” he agreed his voice softening, “you don’t want to end up like me and maybe that’s not what I want for myself either.”

It worked, Robbie could see it in his change of posture, the softening in his expression. It was as if his pure ingrained instinct was to protect and defend Robbie even against his own words.

“You’re not like that, you have family who love you, you have friends…..”

“I had you,” Robbie cut in, “and I threw it away.” There was a moment of intense silence as they locked eyes until James blinked and broke the contact. Robbie took a deep breath, “If I’ve ruined this James, if there’s no chance for us, could we at least try and get back to friends. I can’t lose you completely.”

James looked away towards the river, “I’ve realised being away that, going back to friends would be a long way to travel for me.” His voice turned vague, almost absent minded as he spoke and suddenly, he turned his head, tilting it to the side as he looked back towards the pub, to where they had been sitting looking almost like he was replaying something in his mind.

He sharply flicked his cigarette onto the ground and reached out, grabbing Robbie’s left hand and turning it over as he examined it, his other hand came up, fingers tracing the palm and moving up to the unadorned ring finger. James’ eyes flew up to Robbie who had been watching him patiently and there were the beginning of those sparks Laura spoke of, like damped down embers being brought back to life.

“I‘ll always keep it with me, but it didn’t feel right to wear it. Not now. Not with you,”

“I’d never ask you to.”

“I know you wouldn’t, but it feels right. You’re my future James, if you’ll have me.”

“Come back to college with me?” James asked suddenly.

“‘Course, I will,” Robbie’s voice was rough with emotion.

James released his hand and they walked back the way they had come.

_____
There was silence between them as they walked back to Pembroke college, it wasn’t exactly uncomfortable, but there was a tension in the air. They walked shoulder to shoulder their fingers brushing every so often until they separated and moved aside to allow a group of tourists to pass between them and never regained the contact.

“I like Cambridge,” Robbie spoke into the silence.

“It's less Oxford than Oxford,” James kept his eyes ahead not looking at him as they walked.

They passed a car double parked as its owner nipped into a shop, “Parking’s a nightmare though,” Robbie inclined his head to the vehicle.

James gave him a sidewards look, “I hope you haven’t parked illegally,” and Robbie gave a dismissive shrug of one shoulder in response. “You’re not a policeman here you know,” he warned.

“I’m pretty sure I’m a policeman everywhere in the country."

“You know what I mean, they don’t know your car here and if you do get a ticket, you won’t be able to get it written off, you’re not working.”

“I am, I’m tracking down my missing sergeant.” Robbie held his breath, while he awaited the response to that.

“I’m not though, am I?” James said quietly.

“I’m hoping that’s not true.”

“Which part?”

“Mine,” Robbie put a hand on James’ arm stopping them both at the corner of Trumpington Street, a short distance from the college gates and James turned to look at him. “James, I don’t care if you’re a professor, a sergeant or a bloody plumber, but I do care if I never see you again.”

He looked thoughtful, “I don’t think I’d be a very good plumber.”

Robbie shook his head smiling, “I reckon you’d be good at anything you put your mind to.”

“I’m no good at relationships,” there was almost a challenge in his voice as he stood just that bit straighter.

“We’ve got seven years behind us that says otherwise.”

James looked surprised for a second as he considered the words, almost as if he was seeing their past in a new light, before he turned and they continued along the pavement.

They entered through the heavy dark wooden gates of the college, their footsteps echoed around the arched roofed gatehouse and James glanced to his right. A different porter was in the lodge, talking on the phone and James put up his hand in acknowledgment, but didn’t slow down as they passed through into a quad. It was similar to many Robbie had been in but on a larger scale than most, the pale stone of the porter’s lodge followed through in the college buildings, mixed with red brick on some and large arched, leaded windows looked down on the immaculate lawn from all sides. The huge black rimmed lanterns on the building walls flickered into life as dusk started to fall around them.

Robbie could see a chapel in one corner and James followed his gaze to the steepled structure.

“That’s the first chapel designed by Christopher Wren,” James informed him.

It held none of the pure pleasure Robbie normally associated with James when he was in an imparting knowledge mood. It was however familiar ground, “Smaller than Saint Pauls.” Robbie noted in return, “Guess he had to start somewhere.”

“How did you know to look for me in the library?” James asked as they walked up a few steps where the path went through a building housing a kitchen and dining hall to the sides before exiting into another quad. A path ran through the middle of the lawn leading to large fir trees clipped into columns which framed a wall and archway on the other side of the square.

“I spoke to one of the porters, Giles, is it? I’ve got to say he was more helpful than most I’ve met, cheerful too.”

“That’s because Cambridge have better porters than Oxford.”

“They would do, being England’s best university,” Robbie agreed.

That earned him a slight smile, the first since he had seen since that afternoon in the pub, when this whole mess had started,
They passed through the stone arch into another quad which had a pretty garden, with large mature trees instead of an immaculate lawn and Robbie reckoned it had taken them longer to walk through the college than it had to walk back from Laundress Green.

How many quads does Pembroke have anyway?”

“Courts.”

“What?”

“They’re called courts here at Cambridge and we’re just round the corner,” James pointed ahead to where the garden gave way to the more usual close-cut lawn and a sharp corner revealed another building, one whose ancient façade was partly obscured by pretty trees and bushes.

James led them up the steps into a large entrance hall and Robbie thought that they had lost the feeling, the connection that had been between them when James had asked him to return with him.

But when they entered a smaller hallway and James led them up a narrow winding stone staircase, anticipation ignited the flame that had burned beneath the surface. James flashed a look behind him and Robbie could see his own longing mirrored in smouldering eyes and he couldn’t help but reach out. His hand settled briefly on a slim hip before moving to the small of James’ back as he led them to the top floor.

There was a long hallway but few doors and none of the background noise of most college halls and James stopped at an ornate dark wooden door. He pulled a set of keys from his jeans pocket with unsteady hands and opened the door, he reached out, pulled Robbie through the door, kicking it closed and kissed him with an almost desperate need. James broke the kiss just long enough to pull his hoodie off over his head in one smooth motion, the t shirt underneath going with it. Robbie pulled his shirt out from his trousers but before he could go further James was back, bare chest against him, his arms around his back holding on tight as he kissed him. Robbie matched his intensity, as he pushed James back against the wall, his hands palm flat against the cool plaster either side of his shoulders as if his sub conscious wanted to prevent James leaving again.

Too fast, Robbie knew they were taking it too fast and that was a mistake he wouldn’t make again, but before his body could react to that thought and cool things down, something changed. Robbie felt James pull away, soft lips leaving his own and hot breath against his cheek as James breathed out one word, “Sorry.”

Robbie released him straight away stepping back, just a half step but enough and James turned his head away, “I don’t want….. I’m sorry,” he repeated as his arms released their grip on Robbie and fell to his sides. He wouldn’t look back, wouldn’t meet Robbie’s eyes.

“No,” Robbie said, his voice rough with passion as he moved his hand up to James’ cheek feeling the rasp of stubble under his fingers, in sharp contrast with the softness of his sideburn. He gently pulled James’ head round to look at him “No,” he said firmer, “don’t ever apologise for saying what you want….. or what you don’t want.” He leaned in slightly, placed a kiss on James’ cheek and stepped back completely as he reached down and picked up the discarded hoodie. He pulled the long-sleeved t shirt from inside and handed them both to James, “Do you have a bathroom?” he asked.

James nodded towards a door behind Robbie and he glanced over his shoulder, “Right then I’ll just …..” he paused as he looked back, “freshen up eh?” He went into the bathroom and gave James the space he so obviously needed.

Robbie stood at the sink and splashed cold water on his face, sighing as he relished in the refreshing feeling. He worked a cool damp hand under his collar and pushed into his neck as he leant his head back into the pressure. If felt good and he repeated the process before he splashed more cooling water on his face.
He buried his face into the white soft cotton towel that had hung over a gold-coloured stand, it smelt of James and he breathed in deeply for a second before he dried off. He folded it carefully and put it back in its proper place as he looked around the room.

It reminded Robbie of an ensuite bathroom in an expensive hotel, impersonal, no one lived here, no one made it a home. It was ornate, with an old, heavy looking rolltop bath and gold toned old fashioned taps. A large modern shower in one corner was sympathetically made to look older, the whole room looked rich and classy, but felt cold and soulless.

James’ things were dotted around, his toothbrush, his razor, the expensive shaving gel that he had spent one whole lunchtime tracking down when his usual store had sold out. This was James’ temporary place, where at the end of his stay it would all be packed up and moved on and that thought sent a shiver down his spine.
He was well aware that things between them were not settled, James could move on anywhere from here, he might well have already made plans for all Robbie knew.
There was more that needed to be said, more questions James needed answers to. And no matter how much James wanted him, he may not like those answers, may still decide that he didn’t want what Robbie did, no matter how much he had responded to him just minutes earlier.

Robbie leant with his hands on the sink and looked in the mirror, “Come on man, no use hiding in the bathroom like a teenager on his first date.” But he gave himself a few more minutes before he pushed himself up straight and headed to the door.

As Robbie closed the bathroom door behind him, James was sitting on the wide window seat in the living area, two opened bottles of beer in his hands. He had put his top back on, but not the hoodie and James watched him silently as Robbie cast his gaze around the room. In the greyish light from the end of the day, his eyes automatically swept around, taking it all in an instant and it reinforced Robbie’s certainty that this wasn’t any normal student accommodation, it was large and airy, the furniture luxurious. One area was furnished as a bedroom with a double bed with bronze lamps shaped like hares adorning the bedside tables. The area nearer the door provided a living space, with the only two windows in the room, but they were large, with leaded squares and would let light flood in during the day. There was a classy looking settee, an antique desk, even a small dining table next to a compact kitchen built into the corner of the room.

Robbie soon turned his attention to the more important details, the Gibson case leaning against the wall near the bed, the kitchen bin with four empty bottles of whiskey sat beside it, five packs of Marlboro Golds waiting to be opened on the counter. There were piles of academic papers on the desk alongside a half-full ashtray and a whiskey tumbler with a finger of golden liquid left abandoned in the bottom of the glass. He wandered closer to the desk and something else caught his attention, a booklet on post graduate studies in theology around the world, on the front was a handwritten note, ‘James, page 22 may be of some interest.’

He looked up at James to find him patiently watching as he surveyed his room, he held out one of the cold beers towards him, a drop of condensation ran down the cold glass and pooled at his finger where it held the bottle.

Robbie walked over and took the beer, he stood facing the large window and looked out at the court below. Being on the top floor, it was not overlooked and Robbie contemplated the almost silent empty college around them. Lonely for most people he thought, but a sanctuary for James, “It’s alright this, came with the job, did it?” he asked.

“Peter organised it for me.”

“Ah.”

“He’s master of the college,” James paused as Robbie turned to look at him, “and Lizzie Trunswick’s husband.”

“When I asked about him earlier, I didn’t mean…..”

“I know you didn’t,” he smiled briefly and he took a swig of his beer, his expression was serious as he looked back up at Robbie, “I feel you’re holding back. You still have doubts,” he spoke without accusation.

“No, not doubts,” Robbie said with certainty, he did not want James to think he was not all in, but he wouldn’t lie either, “concerns maybe, but I’d rather live with them than live without you.”

“How would that work? How could we work….. like that?” He leant forward slightly resting his elbows on his knees with his hands clasped lightly around the bottle holding it suspended above the floor.

Robbie sat beside him, “I think we would work it out, together.”

“Well, I’ve already taken care of one problem,” at Robbie’s enquiring look he explained, “you’re not my boss anymore.”

“No,” Robbie agreed with a sigh, “I’m not that now.”

James sat up straighter and shifted to lean back against the wall as he looked at Robbie, “I don’t understand,” he said quietly.

“What?”

“No, it’s nothing, doesn’t matter,” his eyes moved to the window as he traced a finger round a leaded square.

“Come on James,” Robbie waited until the other man looked back at him, “we can’t talk without actually talking. I may not be too good at this, but at least I know that much.”

“You’re better at this than you give yourself credit for,” he took another sip of his beer before he eventually continued, “we can’t change our ages and that seemed like a big issue for you. But I don’t understand why. You’ve never had a problem with relationships where there’s an age difference. You don’t even care when professors sleep with their students.”

“It is a factor with us though. Have you really thought this through James? And yes, I know who I’m talking to and how ironic that sounds, but have you? Maybe it’s not that much of an issue now, but when I’m eighty, you’ll not even be sixty, that’s when it’s going to show. I don’t think I could bare it, to see you looking at me like I’m an old man or having you stuck with taking care of me for that matter.”

James’ eyes narrowed as he frowned, “There’s something else.”

“The thought of you finding someone younger when I’m too old for you, I couldn’t deal with that, I’m not that altruistic.”

James let out the breath he had been holding almost as if the answer was a relief to him, “Of all the things to worry about.” He shook his head, “Who says either of us will live that long and don’t you know me at all?”

“Not in this, no I don’t,” Robbie snapped as the flippant reply raised his defences.

“Well, have you ever known me to sleep around?”

“I didn’t know about Fiona,” he said belligerently.

“She asked me not tell anyone in case it hurt her career and at the time, it was none of your business.”

“I see.”

“Now, well now it is very much your business who I sleep with, now that you…..”

“Say it,” Robbie encouraged, needing James to acknowledge it, to know that he believed it. “They’re your words to say James.”

“Now that you love me.”

There was not even a hint of doubt, a touch of wonder maybe, but no doubt and Robbie couldn’t help but smile, one that only grew broader as James smiled right back at him.

“Robbie,” James grew serious again, his smile fading, “There will never be anyone else for me, no matter what.”

“You can’t say that.”

James looked at him sharply clearly taking issue with his choice of words.

“You can’t know that,” Robbie corrected.

“I know it,” James said solemnly.

Robbie swallowed hard at the declaration, fear of a future he had been worrying over fading in the light of James’ words, “You’re not mad that I thought…..?”

James shook his head, “It’s reassuring actually.”

“It is?”

“It is. That you still see us together that far in the future. Although, it’s certainly a long way from not being who you are.”

There was a question there and Robbie didn’t blame him for asking it, “I need you to know that I was never ashamed at what we did, it came as a bit of a shock is all, realising that I felt that way about you. I’d never really….. I mean I’d looked at fellas before and thought they were good looking but I’d never really thought anything of it and then there I was in bed with you.”

“That first night….. I thought maybe it was just a release, an escape from all the pressure, surprised myself by how much I wanted it to be more. But then the next night, I thought that it was more,”

“It was, I just couldn’t acknowledge it, not even to myself.”

“Maybe if I hadn’t gone away straight after…..”

“I wanted you to go or needed maybe, I don’t know.” Robbie wondered how things would have played out if James had been around, would he have gravitated towards Laura? Would he have had the same opportunity to get closer to her? Would he have saved them both the emotional upset of their brief relationship or had they needed to try before they realised that they didn’t work that way?

He realised that James was staring at him quietly and he leant into his shoulder, “I’m sorry.”

James put his hand up as he spoke, placing a finger against Robbie’s lips to silence him, “There’s no need, I know.” He replaced his finger with his lips, bestowing a feather light kiss before pulling away, “Are you worried how people will see you?” he asked cautiously.

“No. Let people think what they like. There are only two people who I’m bothered about how they take this.”

“Lynne and Mark.”

Robbie nodded in confirmation.

“And if they don’t take it well?”

“Well then, we will have to work through it somehow because I am not making the same mistake again. Couldn’t give you up again.”

“What if you have no choice? That seems to be your biggest fear and it’s one I can’t do anything about.”

“I know, but that’s the price you pay for love, isn’t it? Knowing that someday it could all end….. I’ve come to terms with it James, but chances are it’s you that will have to deal with that.”

“I thought I was going first,” James joked.

“James,” Robbie chided him.

“It worries you?”

“Course it does, for myself and you. I know what it’s like but after Val, I had the kids and then I had you and Laura…..”

“I’ll be alright. I’m very self-sufficient.”

James was making light of it, Robbie knew, but there was little to be achieved in probing too deeply into something that he could do very little about. But it wouldn’t stop him trying to ensure, over time, that James would indeed be alright or as alright as possible anyway.

“You don’t always act in your own best interests,” Robbie refrained, but only just, from an accusation of self-destructive behaviour. His eyes drifted automatically over to the empty whiskey bottles and patiently waiting cigarette packets, memories of Morse prickling around the edges of his mind.

James shook his head dismissively, he looked up through long golden lashes with a faintly mischievous smile, “I’ll probably get drunk at your wake,” he offered.

“I should hope so.”

James looked at him, his brow furrowed in puzzlement, “Did you?” he asked abruptly changing the subject.

Robbie hadn’t been ready to let the topic drop, there was more he wanted to say, but he let James divert them, not wanting to push things either. And he suddenly realised something had shifted, they had started talking in certainties, somewhere along the way it had been decided and agreed.

He knew there would be more, more questions, more assurances to be given, more problems for them to deal with, but that was the thing, they would deal with it all together. The thought made him smile and he realised he had been starring at James with a smile a mile wide, probably looking like an idiot if the bewilderment on James’ face was anything to go by. And he hadn’t answered James’ question, of course it didn’t help that he didn’t understand it

“Did I what?” Robbie asked bringing himself back to the conversation.

“Speak to a therapist?”

Robbie wondered what on earth he was on about, before he recalled his jest from earlier and he chuckled softly at the memory the question stirred up, “No. I spoke to a wise old lady who has trouble keeping her opinions to herself.”

James nodded looking relieved, almost as if it had been confirmation of what he knew to be true of man in front of him, “Elsa,” he gave a wry smile at the thought.

“Aye, and then I spoke to a younger wise woman, who…..”

“Laura.” James sobered as he said her name and his shoulders tensed up a bit, “she must hate me.”

“You? No, she was worried about you. Me on the other hand? I reckon when her concern has died down a bit, well I think things may be a bit prickly. We will find our way back, I’m sure of that but I’ll stay clear of the morgue for a while, send Julie for any reports, until she requests my presence in person and I know I’m welcome again.

“Requests?”

He had a point, Laura in work mode could be formidable, “Demands then.”

“What about your new sergeant? Why not send them?”

“Don’t have one. You’re not easy to replace James.”

James put his bottle down on the wooden seat and took Robbie’s forgotten beer from him letting his fingers brush over his hand, as he did before he placed it down next to the other. That light touch had Robbie’s hand moving to follow James’ desperate to regain contact.

Their eyes locked and they moved forward in unison their lips meeting in a kiss that quickly turned heated as James pulled them up and towards the bed, this time though it was Robbie who pulled back. He didn’t want the same as before, hurried and in the dark, he moved his hands up cupping James’ face, “Slower James, this time slower.”

James looked thoughtful, then with just the hint of a smile he moved Robbie’s hand to his own crotch pressing it into his erection before moving his own hand to the answering bulge in Robbie’s trousers, “I’m just not sure that’s possible,” he raised his eyebrow in speculation.

Robbie blew out a laugh, cupping the back of James neck bringing him down so he could rest their foreheads together, “Cheeky sod,” he pulled back looking into his eyes, “my cheeky sod.”

“Yes.” James agreed as he smiled pulling Robbie towards the bed but then he stopped, turning to enfold Robbie in a tight hug as he buried his head into his shoulder, “Always yours now.”

Robbie returned the hug as he felt a golden warmth engulf him and it felt like he had come home, which was daft, they were in nobody’s home. It didn’t matter, daft or not, it seemed that now, home was with James, “Same,” was all he could manage passed the emotion.

They started awkwardly pulling off clothes between kisses and as they got to the bed, they half fell onto it kissing and entwined together till Robbie pulled back and leant to the side.

“What are you doing?” James asked breathlessly.

“I want to see you,” Robbie reached the lamp switch and soft light flowed around them.

It wasn’t anything adventurous, same as they had done before, hands, kissing, holding on to each other and it was over embarrassingly quickly, only this time it wasn’t in the dark. Robbie pushed himself up over James and watched every expression as he came and it was enough to push himself over the edge.

Robbie ran his fingers through James’ hair increasing the pressure as he leant into the caress. He had never seen James as exposed as he just had, another unknown piece of him now known and watching him respond to each and every touch had been intoxicating, “You’re not the easiest person to get to know. You realise that don’t you?”

A melancholy expression flashed across the face looking up at him, before a smile replaced it, “It’s a good job you’re a detective then,” he moved up kissing along Robbie’s chin before whispering in his ear, “a brilliant detective,” his tongue licked around the shell of his ear, “an amazing detective,” he nibbled his ear lobe, “an intuitive detective, inspired…..”

He was too old to get hard again so soon his mind told him, his body however had different ideas on the matter as jolts of arousal thrummed through him. Warm breath against his skin, damp from James’ mouth, his voice silky and hushed, saying those words, well that took things to another level and was yet another thing he had discovered about himself later in life what those simple actions could do to him. James had found one of his most sensual spots without any trouble, then he remembered he wasn’t the only detective in the bed. Heaven help him.

Robbie had finally got his wish, they had taken their time, slow and easy, exploring, discovering what was liked and what wasn’t, what touch made James arch up in pleasure and how Robbie delighted in it. There would be more discoveries, more learning but for now it was perfect.

__________

They lay together side by side, so close and it should have felt strange lying like that in bed with James, but it felt natural, an extension of how they had sat and walked and stood for years.
Robbie looked towards the windows and could see the full moon partly obscured by clouds and the strange light it cast around the ornate roofs and chimneys bought to mind two lines of a poem that had stuck with him. “The brows of men by the despairing light, wore an unearthly aspect.”

“As by fits the flashes fell upon them some lay down and hid their eyes and wept,” James continued seamlessly. “Byron, Robbie?”

“George Gordon” Robbie corrected surprised that James would get that wrong. He glanced over to see that look, the one that meant I know something that you don’t. “What?” he asked.

James smiled at him.

“Go on, what?”

“Lord George Gordon Byron.”

“Really?”

“Really.” James confirmed, “You know that’s one of the dark poems don’t you?”

“Dark poems?”

“Yeah,” he pushed himself up onto his elbow turning side on to look down at Robbie and his eyes were twinkling with amusement. “You have just quoted to me as we lie here in postcoital bliss one of the most famous dark poems about death and destruction.”

“Well I liked it,” he frowned trying to remember the rest of the lines, “maybe I’m only remembering the good bits. It reminded me of Wagner somehow.”

Placing his hand on Robbie’s chest James asked, “How do you know that one? Was it one of Morse’s?”

“No, I read it when I was looking for something else.”

“You were looking for a poem?” James asked dubiously.

“I have seen him gentle, tame and meek, that now is wild and does not remember,” Robbie softly repeated words that had replayed in his mind ever since James had spoken them.

James tensed up and looked away, but Robbie couldn’t let it drop.

“I couldn’t find it, in your book.”

That bought his attention back and he turned his head to stare at Robbie puzzled, “My book?”

“The bloody great big one, I found it in that place on the Banbury Road. It is yours?” He asked for confirmation of something he somehow already knew.

“Yes. I let some stuff go when I left.”

“Well I’ve been reading it. You’re not the only one who can quote poetry now.” Robbie said smugly.

James groaned as if he had just realised what he had unwittingly unleashed.

“That quote, where is it from?” Robbie persisted.

“They Flee from Me, it’s by Thomas Wyatt.”

“Him who had designs on Anne Boylen,” Robbie nodded, but he still didn’t know what he wanted to, “what’s the meaning behind it?”

Robbie didn’t think that James would answer he took so long to speak.

“It’s about how fleeting love can be, how quickly a lover can move on and forget.”

Robbie wished he hadn’t asked, he reached up cradling the back of James’ head and pulled him down into a kiss.

“Well you’ll have to find a different one to quote now,” he asserted when they parted.

Shuffling round, James lay his head on Robbie’s chest wrapping his arm around him, “We’ll look for one together in the bloody great big book,” he agreed.

Robbie ran his fingers idly through James’ longer hair, tugging gently he said, “This is new.”
“Do you like it?”

“Not for me to say.”

James raised his head to look at him, “Isn’t it?” he glanced down at the bed and back up, “I mean now?”

Robbie laughed ruefully, “Aye suppose it is, but you shouldn’t cut your hair because of how I like it.”

“You bought a shirt because I liked it.”

He had noticed, of course he had, “I wanted to look good for you I suppose,” Robbie admitted with some embarrassment.

“Same and you want me to cut it?”

“I like it a little shorter but not that shaved look.”

James nodded and smiled slightly, “Okay.”

“But…..,” Robbie paused not sure whether to voice what he was thinking, a questioning look from James and he continued, “I like the sideburns.”

“You do?”

“Yeah,” he said surprised at himself, “yeah I do.”

James went back to using his chest as a pillow and Robbie moved an arm down around his back resting his hand on his arm. They lay quietly for a while until Robbie realised that something was worrying at James, he could feel it, his shoulders held just that bit too tensely, his breathing not relaxed.

“What is it?” Robbie asked running his hand over James’ smooth back in comforting circles, “James?” He pushed when he got no response.

“I let you down. I’m sorry.”

Concerned, Robbie tried to pull James up but he resisted, “What are you talking about?”

“All the times I pushed you away, lied to you and you kept coming back, forgiving me. And when I’m tested, what do I do? I leave and Robbie I wasn’t coming back.”

Robbie shifted himself then not giving James any choice but to move and look at him, “Tested? James this wasn’t some biblical test or test of character that you failed to pass. Was I angry that you left like that, so suddenly without a word? Yes. I was bloody furious at times but I understand why you did it. You couldn’t stay and work with me anymore, see me with Laura every day, not after that night. I see that now. I was in denial expecting you could.” He took a deep breath before continuing, “And you didn’t exactly make it difficult for me to find you. Maybe on some level you were giving me the space I needed, time to get there on my own.”

“You’re giving me too much credit.”

“No, I don’t think so.”

“I’m going to have to get used to this new poetical, philosophical version of Robert Lewis.”

“Not philosophy lad, just good old Geordie common sense.”

James smiled like he was supposed to and lent in for a kiss effectively silencing any further conversation and Robbie was going to have to watch that. He was used to James diverting away from anything he didn’t want to deal with, but this was a new and rather pleasant way of doing that and he would have to be aware of it.

James pulled away and Robbie cupped his cheek, “You alright?” he asked.

He smiled as he nodded, bending his head to place a kiss on Robbie’s forehead, “Yes. I am,” he looked over to the bedside table and the cigarette packet lying next to the lamp as he made a move to get out of the bed.

Robbie stilled the movement, reaching over himself to grab the packet and he handed it over to James.

“I’m not supposed to smoke in here.”

Robbie gave a pointed look in the direction of the desk and the incriminating ashtray.

“I usually blow it out the window,” James said sheepishly.

“We’ll you want a smoke and I don’t want you to get out of bed, so…..”

“It’s alright I can wait. I’m good at that.”

“Really?” Robbie said disbelievingly, elaborating at the aggrieved look he received, “Don’t forget I’ve seen you when you’re chomping at the bit to follow a line of evidence.”

“Fair point,” James smiled.

Robbie sighed heavily, “I’m a right prat, aren’t I?”

“Undoubtedly,” James reached over, across Robbie and put the packet back on the bedside table, “Why particularly?” he asked as he settled back down.

“We could have had this months ago.”

“No. You were right about one thing, you had to get here in your own time. I know that more than most.”

James moved his hand down Robbie’s arm clasping his left hand and again traced a finger around the lighter skin, following the slight indentation made by the gold that had resided there for so long. Physical marks of the love he and Val had shared and a symbol of the length of time they had been together and the time it had taken Robbie to let go.

“Where is it?” James asked quietly.

“In my wallet.”

“May I see it?” he asked tentatively.

By way of an answer, Robbie shifted around and reached down to where his trousers had been discarded and pulled them towards him so he could reach the pockets. He took out his phone placing it on the bedside table and then pulled out his wallet. He took the ring out, “I took it off when I started my journey here.”

He held it out to James who looked at it but made no move to touch, “Are you sure you don’t want to wear it?”

“Aye I’m sure.”

“I know how much she means to you, I wouldn’t mind…..”

“I would,” Robbie cut that idea off immediately. “Wouldn’t be right, wouldn’t feel right, not now.”

Robbie placed it safely back into the wallet and put it beside his phone.

“People may ask you about it.”

“I doubt most people will even notice. It took you long enough.”

“True, my observational skills must be slipping.”

They settled down and after a while James drifted off, lying beside him, one hand possessively draped across him, but although tired Robbie couldn’t sleep. It was too new, too wonderful, to be lying with James, to finally have him in his arms and to know that things were settled. There were lots of details to sort out of course, but the most important one, the one that all else would flow from was dozing in his arms.

An annoying buzzing sound intruded on his pleasant lethargy and Robbie reached out a hand to snag his phone off the table feeling James stir as he did. Peering at the screen he realised that he had had several texts from Laura.

Two hours ago, ‘Have you found him?’

Just over an hour ago, ‘How is he?’

Forty-five minutes ago, ‘OK I know I said need time but tell me what’s happening.’

One minute ago, ‘OK either he’s killed you and I pity the detective who has to try and prove it, or you are actually talking. I don’t know which is more unlikely.’

See it wasn’t old or rude to put punctuation in text messages, seemed a damn sight better than not, despite what Lynne and James said.

He felt the phone vibrate in his hand as another text arrived, ‘Or you’re having make up sex, in which case I really don’t want to know.’

Robbie pushed the buttons to reply and he glanced down at James, “How do you do a thumbs up on these things,” he asked, peering back at the buttons frowning, “never mind,” he wrote out the words ‘Thumbs up.’ and sent it.

‘Too much information. Now sod off and leave me alone.’

James stretched against him, “Work?” he mumbled sleepily.

“No. Told you, I’m on leave. It was Laura just checking that you haven’t done away with me.”

“She knows? Why you were coming here?” his voice was clearer now, fully awake.

“Yes.”

“Then she knows…..?”

“About us? She does now,” he waggled his phone at him, “she knew exactly why I was coming here James and she wished me well with it.”

“How can she not hate me then?” he sat up putting distance between them “You left her for me.”

“No, not entirely, you were the catalyst but we really do work better as friends. Did you hate her when I was…..?”

“No, course not,” James interrupted him.

“Did you hate me?”

James got out of bed pulling on his jeans and grabbed his packet of cigarettes from the bedside table. He went to the window letting in cooling night air as he opened it and pulled his lighter from his pocket. He inhaled deeply as he lit up resting his head against leaded glass as he blew the smoke out into the dark.

“James?”

“No….. yes, briefly, maybe.”

“Well that’s really clear.”

“No. No I didn’t. How could I ever hate you when you’ve given me so much? A place to belong.”

The depth of feelings revealed by James’ words didn’t scare him now, instead they infused him with warmth. “Then I took it away,” he pointed out.

“I did that myself.” He took another long pull on his cigarette, smoke exhaling with each word as he continued, “I left….. partly….. because I didn’t want to hurt you, either of you and I knew I would if I stayed.”

“You wouldn’t have…..”

“I would Robbie. You know I would.”

“But you didn’t.” Robbie watched him for a minute, “You know, I thought you’d be angrier when I just turned up like I did.”

"I’ve spent too much of my life being angry. I didn’t want to go back there.”

“Well, I’m glad of that.”

James continued to stare out of the window, it was worrying him and it was pointless, “James,” Robbie called waiting for him to look over, but he kept his eyes firmly fixed out of the window.

Robbie got out of the bed and walked over to him, not bothering with any clothes, using James as a shield in the unlikely event anyone could see. After a few moments James looked up at him, “James, stop beating yourself up over something that you didn’t even do,” eyebrows raised he gave him a look, inviting him to see the absurdity of what he was doing.

James snorted a laugh giving a quick nod of his head. He stubbed out the cigarette on the outside window sill and let the butt drop to the ground below, he closed the window and stood up pulling Robbie into a kiss.

As they parted Robbie said regretfully, “Sorry love, no way I’m going to be able to….. you know….. again tonight.”

“Me neither,” James laughed, “I’m not that young Robbie.”

“Aye guess you are getting on a bit.” And it felt good to be able to joke about their ages again, even if he still had some concerns. “We could both use a shower.”

“Yes.”

“Save water?”

“What?” James looked confused.

“Join me? In the shower?”

“Ah. Well,” he said thoughtfully, “Cambridge has a micro climate that makes it one of the driest places in England.”

“Is that so?”

“It is.”

“We’d best do our bit then, come on.”

__________

James retrieved some more towels from a large wooden trunk next to the sink unit and placed them on it’s top as he discarded his jeans on the floor beside it. The water was blissfully hot and the scent of James’ shower gel filled the cubicle as they lathered up. It wasn’t long before many sleepless nights, uncertainty and worry finally caught up with Robbie and a deep exhaustion settled in, at one point he swayed and James’ strong arms encircled him.

He was almost asleep on his feet by the time they got out and he let James enfold him in a fluffy white towel and manoeuvre him to sit on the top of the trunk. He started drying himself off and was surprised when James wrapped a towel around his own waist, grabbed another and began drying his hair for him, turning to get something from the counter as he finished. His fingers replaced the towel running through his hair and massaging his scalp.

“What are you doing?” he inquired sleepily.

“Putting some product in your hair.”

“Like Brylcreem?”

James laughed and he could feel him looking away to whatever it was that he had used, “Not exactly,” he said, a smile in his voice.

A lot more expensive than Brylcreem then and newfangled but Robbie found he really didn’t care what it was, “Okay. Feels good.”

“I could do just about anything to you in this state, couldn’t I?” James said fondly continuing to massage his scalp, his fingers kneading with just the right amount of pressure.

“Go ahead, I trust you.”

James finger’s faltered at the words as his breath caught, but a sudden fear made Robbie reach out a hand to grasp James’ arm pulling him round. He brought him down so that he was kneeling in front of him.

“Do you still trust me?” He asked urgently, afraid that his actions had damaged that.

James met his gaze head on, “But if it warms your heart's quick core why then trust it, it forms
one faithfulness more.”

Robbie wanted James’ words not some ambiguous random poet’s, “In English James.”

“I trust you with my life and with my heart.”

“Good, that’s good then,” Robbie’s relief was short lived as he saw something flicker across James’ expression. “But?” He asked not sure he wanted to know.

“I don’t trust that I won’t mess this up.”

Robbie shook his head as he said, “I won’t let you. Same as you won’t let me. Alright?”

James nodded.

“We’ve always been better together,” Robbie stated.

“Two halves of a not bad detective,” James agreed as they shared a smile, before Robbie’s turned into a yawn. “Let’s get you into bed.” James quickly dried himself off and pulled Robbie up and back to bed.

__________

Robbie woke to the smell of bacon and the enticing sounds of someone making a fry up, one of his favourite things in the world. He sat up and saw James moving around the small kitchen, taking bacon from the pan and placing it in the oven to keep warm.

“Good morning.”

James started at his words, turning quickly before smiling at him, “Just about.”

“Why what time is it?” Robbie rubbed at his eyes as he came to a bit more.

“Gone eleven.”

“Bloody hell,” he hadn’t slept that long and hard in years. He needed the bathroom, but somehow walking across the room naked whilst James was fully dressed seemed a lot more daunting in the cold light of day.

“Your dressing gown is there,” James pointed to the end of the bed, “and your bag with a change of clothes is bedside the bed.”

“You’ve been to my hotel?”

“Yeah,” James turned back to the counter halving some tomatoes and putting them in the pan, stepping back and turning the heat down at the agitated sizzling noises. “I’m sorry, I did…..”

“Hold on James, let me go get sorted first,” he got out of bed gratefully putting on his dressing gown and grabbed his bag before heading to the bathroom. He had no idea what James was apologising for but a more pressing need had to be attended to first.

When he re-entered the room, dressed in his jeans and polo shirt and feeling a lot fresher after a quick wash and brush up, James was leaning back against the kitchen counter waiting for him somewhat apprehensively.

“I’m sorry,” he repeated, “I left a note,” he pushed himself off the counter and scooped up a piece of paper lying on the table, holding it out.

Robbie took it and read it aloud, “Gone for breakfast supplies. Taken your hotel key to pick up your stuff and book you out so you can stay here. Ring me if that’s a problem.”

“Didn’t think you’d still be sleeping, if it is a problem I can phone them and re-book the room for you….”

“No don’t do that,” Robbie interrupted, “I’d like to stay.”

“You don’t mind?”

“Course not. But isn’t it against the rules to have someone else staying here?”

“I’ve added you as a guest, with Peter’s permission, there’s a set of keys for you on the table and they have your name at the porters lodge, you can come and go as you please.”

Robbie looked at the table and sure enough, a set of keys lay there and he wondered just how early James had got up. Then another thought occurred, “You didn’t have any trouble at the Travel Lodge?”

“Trouble?”

“You know booking me out, when you’re not me?”

“No trouble at all.”

He looked a bit guilty, avoiding Robbie’s eyes before turning back to flip over the tomatoes.

“James?”

He turned back shamefaced, “I told them I was a police officer and you were in custody so you wouldn’t be coming back,” he admitted reluctantly.

“You never,”

“I did.”

“And they believed you?”

“I flashed your badge,” he took the black leather holder from his back pocket and placed it on the table beside the keys, “no one looks at the photo anyway but I put my fingers over it in case. I paid the bill, that’s usually all they’re worried about.”

Picturing the scene, Robbie tried to keep a straight face as amusement bubbled up inside him, “I could arrest you for impersonating a police officer.”

“You could,” James looked thoughtful, “but who would finish cooking breakfast?”

“Good point. Guess you’re safe then.” He moved forward smiling as he reached out pulling James closer for a lingering kiss. “Good morning,” he said as they parted.
“Good morning,” James answered grinning.

They stayed looking at each other until Robbie winkled his nose, “Burning.”

“What?”

“Something’s burning.”

“Probably the tomatoes.”

“That’s okay, as long as it’s not the sausages.”

“Mm mm,” James agreed as he leant in for another kiss. Reluctantly they parted and James turned to rescue the charred tomatoes.

The mouth-watering smells emanating from the oven as James opened it reminded Robbie of how hungry he was, “Anything I can do?”

“Just got the eggs to do. You could make the tea?” James gestured to the other counter, “Kettle’s not long boiled.”

Robbie put the switch down to re-boil the water as he searched cupboards for mugs and tea bags, “Is my car still at the hotel?” he asked as the thought occurred that he may have to face the staff there to retrieve it.

“No it’s in the college car park, next to mine, I got you a permit.”

“Obviously pays to be in with the college master,” Robbie said fishing for more information on how James seemed to know them so well.

“You could just ask me the question,” James shot him a look of amusement, “I knew Lizzie when I was studying but they’re Catholic and so I knew them more through the church.” He reached his hand out for the egg box just as Robbie moved closer to grab the sugar bowl next to it, their hands touched and Robbie leant further into him as they shared another kiss. “I’ve kept in touch with them over the years,” James finished smoothly.

“That’s nice,” Robbie said distractedly, then he cleared his throat forcing his attention back to making the tea and to the conversation. “It’s not caused any problems for you then? Me staying here?”

“No, it’s fine, there’s cutlery in there,” James inclined his head towards a drawer as he used a tea towel to take two plates out of the oven and placed them on the table. He returned with the frying pan scooping out the fried eggs as Robbie side stepped around him to finish the tea and take it over.

“This looks great, thanks,” Robbie sat and started to tuck in straight away, “haven’t had a fry up in a while.”

“You’re welcome,” James smiled as he sat down watching as another forkful got quickly eaten, “it shows, you’re practically inhaling that.”

“I blame you.”

“Me?”

“Yeah, all that activity last night’s given me an appetite.”

James blushed slightly in that way he had, that Robbie could now admit he found very endearing.

“This isn’t bog standard supermarket stuff,” Robbie said between mouthfuls, “where did you get these sausages?”

“The kitchen here uses local farm produce, I know some of the staff so…..”

“You blagged it.”

“Yes.”

“Well I’m not complaining, this is delicious.”

They ate in silence for a while before Robbie took a big gulp of his tea looking up at James as he lowered his mug, “So, is page 22 of any interest?”

“Not in the slightest,” he replied smoothly, obviously having known the question would come eventually ever since watching Robbie survey his room, “Peter is trying to lure me into a doctorate.”

“With any success?”

“Not as yet, no.”

“So, what are your plans?”

“Thought I’d take a few of days off. I can keep my own hours here, long as I get the work done and I’m ahead of schedule.”

“Course you are. But that’s not what I meant and you know it.”

James sighed as he looked up to meet Robbie’s gaze, “I wasn’t sure yesterday, let alone now.” He pointed with his fork at Robbie’s plate, “It’s getting cold.”

“Yeah,” Robbie continued eating, soon polishing off the last few mouthfuls but with less enthusiasm than he had started with.

“There’s only one thing I am certain of,” James continued, “and that’s whatever I do it will include you.”

“Aye I know,” Robbie nudged his leg under the table, “we established that last night. But are you coming back to Oxford?”

“No. Not yet anyway,” he looked at Robbie, obviously mulling something over before continuing, “I have a year.”

“What do you mean?”

“Herself put me on a career break, I can come back then if I want to.”

Robbie was surprised at the feeling of relief that information gave him, he hadn’t really been aware before, of the little knot of guilt he had been holding onto over James leaving his job. “You can come back sooner too,” he pushed.

“No, I need time away from it, time to decide if I want to go back or change direction. Besides I can’t leave here until I’ve finished this work for Lizzie.”

“That’s a temporary contract though, isn’t it?”

“Yes, probably a couple of months or so more work to do but then there’s a course I’m interested in.”

“You could study in Oxford,” Robbie needed him back, he didn’t care what he did as long as he was happy, but he wanted him back in Oxford and he couldn’t put his finger on any particular reason why it was so important that they were in the same city.

“They don’t have this course, anyway I can’t go back to my flat for a year.”

“You could move in with me?”

James looked stunned, “You’d want me there?”

“Course I would.”

“Isn’t it too soon?”

“Not for me, but I understand if it is for you.”

“There’s no rush to decide anything is there?”

“No rush at all,” Robbie agreed, “Eight-four miles isn’t that far, so however long you are here, I could come over on my days off…..”

“And I could come back sometimes as well. I don’t always have to be here to do the work, part of the brief is to investigate new sources, there’s lots of possibilities around Oxford.” He looked intrigued, “Some of the museums have extensive collections of documents that aren’t on show and I can think of half a dozen colleges that have private collections.” He retrieved his phone from his pocket, but looked thoughtfully into thin air instead of typing, “Lizzie’s reputation would be enough to open most doors, I’ll do some research as to which ones would most likely have useful…..”

“James?” Robbie interrupted him.

“Strangely I don’t think the Bodleian will have much in the way of…..”

“James?” Robbie tried again, there was a rightness to seeing James so enthusiastic about a subject again, and he couldn’t help smiling, but there was a limit and there was something more important to settle.

James looked at him, “What?”

“So, you’re splitting your time between here and Oxford?”

“Yes, I can't see why it would be a problem.”

“And when you’re in Oxford, you’ll stay with me?”

James pursed his lips together and nodded.

Robbie reached over and took James’ phone from his hand, “And you’re taking a few days off, remember?”

James laughed, “I do and I am.” He sneaked a hand under the table resting it on Robbie’s thigh, “So, what do you want to do today?” He glanced over to the bed suggestively raising an eyebrow.

“You’re joking? I’ve just eaten the biggest breakfast in Cambridge man!”

James spluttered out a laugh patting Robbie’s thigh before removing his hand, “Alright, how about you walk it off as I give you a guided tour of the city.”

“That sounds good.”

“And we’ll have a very light dinner before we come back here?”

“Aye, that sounds just about perfect.”