Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Is it really worth it anymore?

I’ve spent days trying to think, trying to come up with a clear answer.

But it’s impossible.

I’m better off else where.

Where that place is I don’t know… but it’s definitely not here.

Nor is it in this life.

The blood has stopped seeping out of my skin a while ago.

The cuts on my wrist already beginning to heal themselves.

This was nothing but a ritual now, the same thing over and over.

And it just wasn’t enough anymore.

I’m such a disgusting and fowl creature.

A wolf who dares bare its fangs at those around them, pushing the mindless flock away.

All I do is hurt people, hurt myself.

I shouldn’t be around, I’m to dangerous. I’m a wild wolf after all. All I’m good at is ripping the flesh off my unsuspecting prey.

I would be more useful caught in a hunters trap. My paw stuck in a bear trap as I either bleed out or get put out of my misery.

That’s why I’ve finally made a decision.

The world doesn’t need me anymore, I’ve already been used for all I have. And now everyone else shall have my remains.

My tail would make a good keychain, my ears as mindless taxidermy.

Harming myself isn’t enough. I could bite into my skin and rip the flesh off my arm and not even care.

I hadn’t realized I had gotten up, washed and bandaged my arms and already began heading out the door.

I’ve thought about ways of ending it.

Hanging myself would take to long, and my ceiling fan couldn’t support my weight. I’m to much of a pussy to shoot myself.

I could slit my throat, That seems reasonable. But what if it takes to long? I don’t wanna lay on the floor bleeding out.

God I’m pathetic.

My best bet is taking some kind of medication to overdose. Get it done quickly. No one can save me then.
I can go to the local pharmacy. But what should I get? I could just use google to look it up.

I would scratch my head, my wolf like ears falling back and morphing into my hair. My tail would follow. This routine always felt so foreign, but that’s what I get for being born a freak.

My hand would instinctively grab at my phone, turning it on as I began to search. Scrolling past the suicide hotline and the ‘there’s help’ messages.

They could never help a wolf like me. I belong in a cage, possibly cut up and experimented on.

My eyes fall upon some Wikipedia. Para-ce-ta-mol…? what ever that is. I could try it, maybe mix and match with some other medicines. That might work.

My mind became a haze as I had already made it to some big chain store. I had walked in, wandering a bit trying to head over to where the medicine counter was.

My eyes traced the isle, getting frustrated at all the options. My clawed hand tracing over boxes and bottles on each shelf.

Who knew trying to kill myself would be so annoying.

…

The midnight wind would blow through my hair, the putrid scent of motor oil and smoke caught my attention.

There is nothing peaceful about this place, nothing to live for. It’s all just garbage and sewage.

Not a hint of human kindness in sight, this was the ugly side of the world.

The ugly side I won’t have to see anymore.

I had just left the store, the street lights shining down on my hunchbacked figure and illuminating the way.
Some flickered above me, if I was a baby again I'd reach my hand out trying to catch the huge twinkling stars above me.

But I’m not a baby, and never will be.

As I walked a stream of jazz would fill my ears. As I looked forward a glowing sign would be Point at a lavishly decorated building.

It stood out from the rest of the street. A beautiful red building built at the edge of town in what most would call some sort of ghetto. Though of course that would not even be close to being the right word.

As I got closer that strong scent of sewage would shift into a rosy scent, the smell of alcohol present.

I stopped in front of it, dazed. My eyes would cross over the glass windows, skimming through each flier and ‘come on in we’re open’ sign.

“The Jackalope” was displayed loud and proud over the building.

So this must be some sort of entertainment place, with food and alcohol. Or maybe just a chill hangout spot.

I reach my hand out making contact with the cold metal handle, pulling the door open and stepping inside.

A rush of cold air hit me, the place wasn’t as full as one might hope.

Maybe it might be nice to spend my final night alive somewhere enjoyable. Or as enjoyable things could get.
This wouldn’t be my first pick but it just so happened to be here.

I had walked in, quickly spotting the bar.

I walked over, leaning on the table as I skimmed through the menu.

One final drink before I go, what could go wrong.

…

I had picked a table and sat down, a bag of chips and a drink.

The grocery bag holding the medicine that would end my life once and for all would lay next to me, placed in such a way it wouldn’t roll off and break on the marble ground.

I took a sip, the taste of alcohol burning my tastebuds.
It was cheap, but that doesn't matter. I don’t deserve anything better.

The lulling sound of jazz and alcohol began to make the world all buzzy, a yawn escaping my mouth. Tears soaking the edge of my eyes and blurring my vision.

My body feels all warm.

Maybe a nap wouldn’t hurt…

Yeah, that sounds nice about now.

Chapter Text

The world would come to focus as my dreamfull bliss would fuzz out.
My mouth was dry, my tastebuds overwhelmed with some metallic taste. My drool had dried on my chin leaving a weird flaky feeling.
God I must look pitiful right now.
Like some stray dog sleeping in a cardboard box outside in the rain. Reminiscent of some old movie or show I watched as a kid.

My eyes dart to the windows, it was still dark outside. The place was now cleared out.
How long did I sleep for..?
My clawed hands would reach for my phone, trailing along the cold screen.
I would press the button on the side, attempting to turn it on.
Confusion quickly turned to agitation as my phone refused to turn on.
Did it die? I wasn’t even using it for Christ sake.
Out of all times it decided to die now. Great my last day and I can’t even text my goodbyes to people.
That’s if I even have any goodbyes. I have my passwords but do I really trust anyone with those?

Shit I still need the time.

Usually I’d just wing it and run home, maybe hope I see someone’s phone screen on the way there. But this time it just felt important.

I looked around the room, hoping to spot some sort of TV currently displaying the time, potentially a clock or old watch someone left behind.
Oh great, nothing. It’s the 20 something century and these people couldn’t even spare 5 dollars? My guess it’s for the “aesthetic.”

My attention was caught on what seemed to be one of the last people here for the night, a man who had shoved himself uncomfortably into one of those round table booths.

He seemed lost in thought, daydreaming about something I could never understand.
His hair was long, blond, and shabby. It would cover his shoulders if it wasn’t tied back. He has a 9 o’clock shadow with a matching lazily thrown on outfit to compliment it. I don’t think he put much thought into it though, seeing as he’s wearing a red button up with sweat pants. Atleast the jacket worked well with it. His skin was a pasty white with some grayish tone.
But what bothered me was his eyes, even though they were a pretty light blue they looked dead and empty.
But who am I to judge?
He probably has a better life than me!

The thought of interacting with him left me anxious. I feel like I could puke just thinking about it.
All of the possibilities of what could happen rushing through my head.
What if I say something awkward, what if I confuse him?
Oh grow up you big baby, you’re just asking them for the time.
This could possibly be the last ever person I talk to, no one else even dared to speak to me. Never mind acknowledge me.

I take a deep breath, latching my hand around the plastic convenience store bag I had brought with me. I had wrapped it around my hand so tight I could feel it already starting to go numb.
A strange but welcoming feeling.
It’s not like anything hurt enough anymore, that empty pit in my stomach never satisfied.

As I approached the man I find myself subconsciously walking slower. It’s like I was approaching a deer, a calm creature that would run away if I accidentally kicked a rock in the wrong direction.
Or maybe it’s just my brain telling me this is a bad idea.

“Umm excuse me… do you know what time it is?”
My voice comes out scratchy.
As I spoke I felt the sudden need to explain why I was asking. He doesn’t deserve to know why, it’s not like it would matter if he knew or not.

The man looks up at me, the startled expression on his face leaving me with some kind of guilt.

I watched as he pulled out his phone, turning it on before swiftly shoving it back in his pocket.
“Um… Uhh… well it’s almost closing time. It’s 1:45.”

He adverted his gaze from me. He was trying his hardest to not look me in the eyes.
Am I that disgusting that no one can even look at me? What an asshole. My last moments and no one can even feel pity for me.
What could I expect though.

“Thanks…” my mind drifts somewhere else as my words fall out of my mouth involuntarily.
“I um… my phone died… kinda lost track of time.”

I need to leave. I have no reason to be here, why the fuck am I just standing here for?!

“Yeah… I can relate.” I watched as he brought a hand to his neck, scratching himself.

As im about to back away and leave he speaks up, breaking the awkward silence. “I’m just waiting for my… friend.”

I should get out of here, that guy stinks anyways. Every time he comes close I can smell nothing but fertilizer. It would smell nice if it wasn’t so earthy.

I can feel my ears subconsciously flick, it’s like they were visible but clearly not. Hiding them always felt like wrong to me, im just a dirty animal hiding myself away. Afraid that a bigger predator will come and rip me to shreds. That actually feels nice about now.

My thoughts are redirected to the sight of a much shorter guy scurrying his way out of the bathroom, the cheerful expression on his face sickened me.

“Alright Lawrence, let’s! AH! There’s someone else here?”

The little guy looked at me for a moment, shock spread across his face. I’m surprised he even paid attention to me, if I’m lucky people just give me a pitiful look and move on.

From what it looks like he isn’t special at all, a short redhead wearing a black jacket. The red markings on his cheeks reminded me of my own, markings I usually try to hide with makeup. Though now of days I can’t even bother trying to cover it up.
The Ginger had a terrible scent. I couldn’t put my finger on it but the stark difference in scent between both men in front of me made me sick. It’s akin to blood, but not quite close enough.

I try my best not to grimace. Maybe in another life I won’t be given this inhuman ability, turns out smelling each individual persons scent is more disgusting than you might think. I can still remember the smell of sweaty gym locker rooms, weeks old laundry, and decomposing blood.

I don’t bother to smile at him. What’s the point of it anyways? I can’t even look him in the eyes.

“Well- my name is Ren. It’s nice to meet you.”

There’s a sparkle in his eyes as he stares at me expectantly. Id give anything to pluck his eyes out right now, his staring is beginning to creep me out.
Safe to say it makes me a little embarrassed.

Blush spreads across my face as I now notice the tall blonde, which I believe to be named Lawrence, staring at me too. I guess I have to fork over my name to.

I suffer in silence as I repeat my name the same way I have thousands of times before, but this time it will be the last time I’ll ever say it. I’ve never much cared for it, people usually just call me some form of insult anyways.

“That’s a very nice name…”

I barely caught what he said, Lawrence now staring off to the side. Was he talking to Ren?

My body begins to tremble. I shouldn’t be here right now, these people are going to ruin my night. Why can’t anything just go my way?! God damn it!
My claws dug into my hands, I could barely feel it anymore. I’ve repeated this same action over and over just to be met with the same result. A unsatisfactory feeling and a fucked up jumbled mess in my brain.

“I.. have to-“

“Hey I know!” There’s a pat on my back, the short fuck having sneaked his way over to me. “I could get us a round before it closes.”

The little shit cut my off. I just want to go home.
“No- I..!”
I almost lost my footing as he playfully nudged me towards the booth. Before I could even complain he was off to the bar.

“I- uh.” Lawrence turned and followed him.

Looks like nobody wants to be around me. I just sit down on the hard seat, sitting the plastic bag down beside me. I could just leave now I have no clue on why I’m sitting here. What kinda sick game is this asshole playing on me?

I glance at them, the two seemed to be arguing. My heightened hearing picking up small mutters, much like a fly just far enough away from your ears not to harm you but close enough to annoy the hell out of you.

Are they talking about me? That’s the only conclusion I could draw about this. Probably plotting ways on how to embarrass me, to kidnap me and rape me potentially. That would be the most anyone’s ever thought of me though.

I want to know what they’re saying. God this is unfair!

I blinked, attention turning back to what’s in front of me. Lawrence had just placed a couple glasses on the table. What I can guess is one for each of us.

“One more drink for the night.” Lawrence chimed, more than likely a sentence starter.

My claws tapped the glass as I nudged it away from me. I already had a drink earlier, I don’t need another. They can have it anyways.
I tapped my foot against the ground, leg bouncing as my nervousness became apparent.
One of my clawed hands would subconsciously scratch at my arm, picking off the scarring and leaving them with a red hot irritating feeling. On other scars just digging the wound deeper.

“I think-“

Fuck this shit.

“Keep your drink, I don’t want that shit.”

I cut Ren off, I don’t care if I hurt their feelings or not.

Why can’t they take the fucking hint I don’t want to be here right now. I’m not some stray dog they can lead into whatever.

I’d slam my hands against the table as I stood up, not sparing the two a second glance as I stormed out. Angrily pushing the door open and not looking back. The last thing I heard was the ding of the bell above the door.

Chapter Text

Lightening struck as rain began to pour down, a grim reminder of how cruel the world is.

The air smelled acidic, only amplified by the rain. A lasting effect of pollution more than likely.

I don’t feel the need to go somewhere and wait out the storm, or to cover myself from the rain.

It doesn’t matter if I get sick, I’ll be dead anyways. And if I get struck by lightning, even better! That way no one who knows me has to discover my rotting corpse, that’s if anyone else cares enough to go out looking for me.

I cut off my family and friends not long ago. I’d give it a month or two for them to find my body, my rent should be due by then. Humans, such greedy things that take and take without giving a damn about the consequences of their actions.

Water would splash everywhere with each step I take, jumping up and soaking into my shoes. My socks already leaving a warm squishy feeling as I walk.

Why does it have to be as soon as I left that lame excuse of a bar it had to begin raining? Ain’t I a lucky bitch.

I deviated from my usual path, taking a stroll through a park. No one was around due to the rain, I was finally alone.
Cut off from the rest of the world.
I didn’t feel the need of hiding myself anymore, letting my body relax. My tail resting behind me and my ears resting on the top of my head.

The sound of wood creaking would echo through the night as I began to cross an old bridge. I’m playing with fate walking on it now, the planks are rotted.
I can imagine myself falling through them and splashing into the cold water of the river below.

Suddenly a voice cuts through the night, yelling through the cold air.
Barely recognizable paired with the beating sound of the rain.

“Wait!”

I turn around, time slowed around me as I become aware of the situation.

What looked to be the tall blonde guy from that bar was standing there catching his breath, his hair now straight clinging to his face as the rain beat down on him.

I take a moment to Remember his name, such a small detail I wouldn’t need to know but somehow it resurfaced out of the crevice of my mind, Lawrence.

“Oh- what now?!” I clench my sharp teeth, claws digging into the palms of my hands.

I’m trying to get away from you. All I want is to be left alone. But somehow this waste of space followed me here, and for what?!

“You-“

“Are you dumb or something?”
My patience wears thin as my body begins to act on its own. I was getting irrationally angry, my muscles tense. This had been boiling deep down for a while.

“Can’t you understand when someone is trying to get away from YOU?!”

“Wait- I” Lawrence seemed to tense up at that moment, taken back.

Did he not expect me to not stand up for myself?
All I’ve done is give to others and let them walk all over me! And what did I get out of it? A shit ton of heartbreak and disappointment.

“NO! All I want is to go home, but a freak like you fucking followed me! Was me storming out not enough?!”

I feel like ripping my hair out right now. Maybe putting a gun to my head and pulling the trigger.

“Would you shut up?!”

Lawrence would speak up. Why is he getting mad when he’s the problem in this?
It’s cause of him I didn’t leave the bar sooner.

“Why?! So you can make fun of me some more! Are you mad I’m so disobedient now?”

I’m not gonna play this game with them, I can’t do this anymore. I can’t stay quiet anymore.

“Would you leave me alone for once?!” I spoke, a slight quiver in my voice.

“Well, I guess you won’t be needing this then…”

My attention is caught to what seemed to be a plastic bag in one of his hands, raindrops pelting off it.
The bag being the same one from the drugstore I had visited earlier that night.
Holy shit did I leave my bag there?!

Suddenly he threw the bag over the bridge straight towards the shallow river below.
I scramble, not wanting to lose what was in that bag. My one-way ticket out of here can’t be gone just like that!

“No…”

I almost practically fell over the bridge's guard rail trying to reach the bag as it flew out of my reach.
The rotted wood creaking under my weight.

“No, No, no, no…”

I watched helplessly as the contents spilled out into the river, floating down the stream.

“NO!”

A held back a scream, frozen in shock. Tears pricked my eyes, my tail laying limply between my legs with my ears pinned back. I had forgotten about them.

But what did it matter?
I had spent my last dollar on that shit.

“What the fuck have you done?” I slowly look back up at Lawrence, gritting my teeth.
“I can’t have shit for low life’s like you taking all away from me!”

Now I have to slit my throat or something, take the boring way out.

“Low life?! I tried helping you for Christ sake!”

I walk closer to him, wiping the tears from my eyes with my sleeve. It would’ve helped if it wasn’t for the fact my shirt was soaking wet.

“By helping do you mean stalking? I tried to get away from you, and you just followed me?! Do you not know how creepy that is?”
I can’t stop myself from rambling.

“I try to do something nice for once and this is the thanks I get? Wow!” He said with a more sarcastic tone at the end.

“I can’t believe you even had the AUDACITY to do that! You know what- I don’t need that shit.” I take a moment to catch my breath, staring Lawrence in the eyes.

“Yet you’re the one being an asshole.” Law remarked.

“How about you get your sorry ass out of here.”
I would try to push him back with my hand, only making the big guy stumble back a step or two.

I’d turn away, sniffing as I held back tears.

“There are people in this world you shouldn’t fuck with.” I mumbled under my breath before starting to walk off in the rain.

My entire body was soaking wet, the feeling of my tail having to droop down due to the water weight on it just made me uncomfortable.

I didn’t catch the footsteps behind me, suddenly I was shoved down as a large hand would grab my hair, roughly pulling my head back before smashing me into the concrete below.
I didn’t even have time to scream.

Rainwater would wash against my face. I could feel my blood trickling down my forehead.
My world grew dark as the colors and shapes around me fizzled out.