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Chapter Text

Rude had been a good friend ever since Reno found out about the death of his childhood best friend. To be fair, he was always a good friend (as Reno’s new best friend) but there was a level of quiet company that Rude gave Reno right now that made him feel less alone. It didn’t stop the guilt that ate away at Reno whenever he thought of him and Aspen breaking into plate houses together and stealing sweets from the local store. Or the things they did later together. It was a feeling in addition to the guilt.

 “Are you alright, man?” Rude asked, sitting behind his desk next to Reno’s. Reno, sitting at his own desk, nodded. He had his arms crossed firmly against his chest and had been eyeing Tseng’s door since he’d gotten into it this late morning.

 “How long do you think he’s been in there now?” Reno asked Rude, not taking his eyes off the door.

 “Half an hour.” Rude suggested. Reno nodded, that was his estimation too.

 “Think he’s in there for the long haul now?” He asked his partner. Rude made a noise in his throat.

 “Or he’s doing some paperwork before heading out again.” Ah, true. Reno better get this over and done with before the chance disappeared again.

Reno stood up, shoved his hands in his pocket, and huffed. He walked over to the closed office door. He went to knock with two fingers, hesitating before hitting the door. Pushing it away he knocked twice and opened the door.

Tseng was at his desk writing a letter. Something that couldn’t be put into the computer system, then. His face was stony and solemn as his hand moved across the page. His brown eyes flickered up to take in the intruder and went back to the page.

 “Reno.” He greeted.

A beat.

“How are you?” He never asked that. Did he know? If he’d read Reno’s background check (and he probably memorized it at some point) he’d know something. There was a reason after all Reno had poignantly been kept right away from that mission. Reno shrugged with one shoulder. He walked forward and flopped into the chair across from Tseng. The pen didn’t pause once.

Reno watched the pen move for a good two minutes, eyes not straying from its swift moments. He felt the guilt eating at him. Voices in his head telling him he should have been there. He should have been there to stop it or take Aspen’s place.

Tearing himself away from those voices in his head he looked over Tseng’s shoulder to his bookcases. For the most part they were empty. He had a shelf full of reference books and another legal journals (you need to know the law to effectively bend it to your will), then there was a pile of newspapers folded so they’d fit in the shelves. He had two bottles of pain killers and a bottle of stimulants on the same shelf as the newspapers but that was about it.

As he ran out of things to look at that guilt started to take hold. Better ask now before it consumes him. Reno slumped in his chair.

 “So,” He began. The pen paused for a split second. “I found out yesterday that my best friend’s memorial service is on Tuesday next week.” The pen stopped.

 “Friend from Wall Market?” Tseng asked.

 “Yeah.” Reno replied. Tseng put the lid on his fountain pen.

 “One who I assume – and correct me if I’m wrong – died in Ruluf’s bust?” Tseng asked as he placed the pen carefully at the top of his half-written letter. The guilt grasped Reno’s throat hard.

He should have been there. He shouldn’t have been the one to get out of all that.

Ruluf had been planning this operation for months in tandem with other Turks and discussing it with Tseng and Veld, all just waiting for what they deemed the perfect chance to bust the criminal gang responsible for supplying around a quarter of the slum’s drugs and illegal weaponry. Shinra couldn’t care less about the drugs but they could not abide the weaponry. Everyone had done a good job of leaving Reno in the dark as much as they could. Too many people in Wall Market had been figures in Reno’s life before the Turks and this gang in particular… He and Aspen had joined together. They just wanted the safety that came with having a gang at your side to protect you rather than being petty criminals on their own. Reno had never really wanted that life and he knew Aspen didn’t either. Yet Reno was the one to get out and Aspen was dead.

 “Yeah.” Reno said. Tseng clasped his hands together on the desk. His brain was ticking, Reno could tell by how his lips faintly pursed together.

 “Would you like to send a symbol of condolence?” Tseng asked. “I’d be willing to assist you in arranging for it to be delivered securely.”

Reno frowned. Some nameless and faceless platitude? No that is not what Reno wanted. It’s not what he wanted at all. The guilt twisted into anger but Reno still pushed it down.

 “Nah.” He was still frowning at the assistant director’s desk. “I wanted to have the day off to go.” The twitch in the facial expression meant that Tseng also wanted to frown.

 “To the memorial service?” Tseng asked. Reno’s bright blue eyes finally met Tseng’s gaze. “Of someone who died as an enemy of Shinra?”

Shinra? It had nothing to do with Shinra. Yes, three Turks and some infantry men had brought them down and Reno couldn’t talk for the whole gang but he and Aspen never held any anti-Shinra sentiments. They were too busy to worry about the shitheads above the plate. And Reno ended up one of those shitheads while Aspen had returned to the planet.

Aspen’s mother was a second parent for Reno after Reno’s dad disappeared. Aspen’s brother was the only regular older male figure in Reno’s life. Aspen and Reno had beat up bullies for each other.

He wasn’t just an enemy of Shinra. Reno’s fingers tightened on the arms of the chair.

 “Yeah.” He said flatly. Now Tseng actually frowned. He looked down at his desk and shook his head.

 “Absolutely not.” He denied Reno’s request.

The anger built in Reno, rising from his gut.

Between Veld and Tseng, Tseng was the one with a gentler disposition. He was supposed to be the one that the Turks could come to with their issues. But what did Tseng know of childhood bonds? Of second families and of struggling together to get by? Tseng was for all intents and purposes a child soldier to Shinra – training to hold a gun before Reno had committed anything worse than petty larceny.  His whole world was wrapped up here. He couldn’t imagine the conflict and guilt that ate at Reno.

 “Why?” Reno questioned harsher than he intended.

 “Because.” Tseng paused. He took a breath before elaborating. “You’re a Turk.” Reno shrugged at this. What did that matter. “What would it look like if a Turk turned up at the memorial for someone that their colleagues had neutralised?”

Neutralised.

They had neutralised Aspen. Reno’s finger practically tore into the leather of the chair now.

 “I’m not gonna wear the suit.” Reno spoke through gritted teeth. Tseng put on of those looks, one of those ones where he thought you were being stupid.

 “You walk around in the slums in a suit with your bright red hair and distinct facial markings regularly. Do you think no one will recognise you as one of us?” He asked. Reno considered telling him he didn’t appreciate his tone right now. How many times had Tseng said that to him?

In Reno’s heart of hearts he did not care if he was recognised. He couldn’t give two shits if it tarnished the Turk’s reputation or even less if it effected Shinra’s. They had neutralised his brother in all but blood and Reno had to show his family how sorry he was for that. That he stayed up every night since the news hit reliving memories and running through what-ifs.

 “I’m not going to be on duty,” Reno began tapping his leg on the ground. Tseng held onto his gaze. “So what does it matter?” Tseng breathed through his nose.

 “If you can’t see the issue, Reno,” Reno hated the way Tseng said his name there. Full of derision, full of superiority. “Then I can’t help you.”

A beat. Reno kept tapping his leg.

 “So you’re not gonna give me the day off?” He asked, anger boiling below the sentence.

 “I’m sorry, no.”

For a fleeting second Reno’s blood went cold before it turned boiling and stayed there.

 “Fuck.” Reno whispered. If Tseng had a reaction, he did not show it on his face.

This man had the audacity to say no to Reno? Better yet he thought he had the authority to say no? To deny Reno the chance to get rid of this deep hole in his stomach?

 “Fuck you, man.” Reno waved his hand in Tseng’s direction. Tseng clenched his jaw and flexed his fingers. “You’re supposed to be my friend.”

Tseng raised his eyebrows. He unfolded his hand and pulled his gloves up, stretching his fingers as he did, when he next spoke his eyes were on his own hands.

 “This has nothing to do with friendship.”

 “Like fuck it doesn’t” Reno scoffed. Tseng’s hands froze.

 “Reno.” He warned in a low growl. Reno ignored it. He wasn’t scared of Tseng right now. How dare he? How dare he even think about saying no?

 “I want to go say goodbye to my childhood friend. There’s nothing wrong with that.” Reno leant forward in the chair, one had gesticulating while the other clung fiercely to his knee.

 “I understand. How-”

 “I don’t think you’ve got a bloody clue how I feel.” Reno cut Tseng off. If he understood he’d let him go. If he understood he’d understand that Reno can’t keep going unless he gets to say goodbye, to say sorry. Tseng closed his hands into fists and placed them on the surface of his desk. “I think your whole world is so wrapped up in this damn place who have no fucking clue what I’m feeling.”

The silence was deafening. Reno could hear the blood pumping behind his ears. There was something in Tseng’s eyes as he tucked a stray hair that had fallen out of his pony behind his ear.

 “I’m going to give you ten seconds to calm down,” He spoke softly but harshly. “And then I’m going to give you a chance to consider your course of action.”

 “Are you gonna consider your course of action?” Reno raised his eyebrows and scowled. Brown eyes held onto blue eyes like a showdown. “Yeah, I didn’t think so.”  Tseng placed his hands firmly on the desk.

 “Okay.” He breathed. He opened a draw, put his letter and pen in there, closed it and locked it. “I see we are at an impasse.” He stood up and straightened his suit. “I’ll be willing to discuss this like adults later.” He stood up and began walking towards his door.

Oh no.

Oh no, he didn’t get to get out of this that easily.

He couldn’t put his foot down on this one.

He was supposed to be Reno’s friend right now, not his boss.

He was supposed to understand that Reno felt like his skin itched with guilt and his soul ached in grief.

If it was Rude who died he’d understand.

If it was anyone in a fucking suit he’d understand.

Reno jumped to his feet and snatched Tseng’s wrist. The Wutain man stopped walking. He yanked his wrist back from Reno hard and fast.

 “Don’t touch me, Reno.” He growled, a flash of something behind that carefully constructed mask. Reno walked around to face Tseng.

 “Can’t you be human for one second of your life?” Reno asked, his voice raising. Tseng’s lip twitched. “Not everything is about wearing the suit.”

 “But it is, Reno.” Tseng hissed. “You knew that the moment it was handed to you.”

 “Maybe for you but not for me.” Reno argued. He placed a hand against his chest. “I lived a life before this place. I did shit and I knew people. It’s not my fault you didn’t.”

A darkness passed over Tseng’s face. His calm Turk mask was replaced with the one he wore when goading enemies – it was Tseng the trained killer now rather than Tseng the second-in-command.

 “Quite the life you lead, hmm?” His tone sent a shiver down Reno’s spine. “Petty crimes leading you on a slippery path to more and more dangerous and despicable deeds as you became more and more desperate.” He took a step towards Reno. Despite the alarm bells ringing in Reno’s head, he stood his ground. Reno had no mask in place but instead his own wild indignation. “And the people you knew? Drug addicts, criminals, gang members, and derelicts, all of them.” It was like a stab in Reno’s already wounded heart. Reno stepped closer, further into the danger zone.

 “You’re just jealous because you don’t even remember who your Mummy and Daddy were or if they even loved you.” Reno smirked facetiously. Dark eyes studied him carefully. “All you knew was this place and had no one to care about you. You’re deluding yourself if you think Daddy Veld loves you anywhere near how much he loved his real family.” Reno knew how dangerous it was as it came falling out of his mouth but he didn’t regret it. He wanted Tseng to feel a hint of the hurt her felt. Tseng looked down at the ground and chuckled. He took a breath and looked back at Reno with a smile.

 “I’d rather not remember my parents than know that my abusive father left to start a new family and my mother was a mako-sniffer.”

Reno’s vision grew red. All the anger, guilt and sorrow were now Tseng’s fault.

Reno lunged at the slightly older man. Before he could make contact, Tseng had dodged out of the way. In a swift flash of movement and with a loud thud Reno found himself pushed against the wall; his wrists being held behind his back.

 “I told you not to touch me, Reno.” Tseng growled in his ear.

 “Fuck you.” Reno scoffed. He couldn’t see Tseng from the angle he was being held. He tried to kick behind him only to be pressed harder to the wall.

 “I’m going to let go of you and you’re going to leave this office without another word. I will decide what to do with you later.” His voice was flat, dark, and dangerous. Reno’s flames roared against it. Still, he knew how to play the game and how to know when he was in a dire position.

Reno grunted.

Tseng let go and stepped back. Reno turned back around. He looked at Tseng as he rubbed his wrists. He’d never hated someone and been so disappointed in them so much in his life. But what did he expect from someone like Tseng? Compassion had been too much but maybe tolerance.

 “How sad it must be to be you, yo.” Reno grumbled despite his training telling him to shut up. “No one’s gonna mourn you when you die and beg to go to your memorial.” Tseng’s face morphed into a look of disgust.

 “You think you can hurt me?” He asked, deep eyes narrowing. “I’m as cold as you claim me to be, nothing touches me.” He smirked. “Especially an unimportant gnat such as yourself. Keep biting the hand that feeds and you’ll be put down.” The alarm bells got louder but they could barely be heard of the flames in Reno’s heart and the blood rushing in his ears.

 “Go to hell, you lonely asshole.” Reno spat. Tseng cocked his head to the side.

 “Oh Reno, I already know I’m going there.” Tseng hummed. “Have you lost your edge?”

 “Aerith will never love you.” Okay this one he regretted as soon as it came out of his mouth. Tseng’s face dropped. Reno had gained the upper hand but not in the way he wanted. The blood and fire were quenched for a moment and in its place was only the guilt. That guilt in Reno’s stomach pained for a different reason.

It didn’t last long – that terrible look on Tseng’s face. It was quickly replaced with that dangerous Turk look but it did nothing to stop Reno knowing he had done wrong.

 “We should have never recruited you.” Tseng’s words dripped with more venom that Reno had ever heard. “We should have left you wasting away in the gutter. Perhaps you’d have felt better to die side by side with your friend.”

Reno punched Tseng in the jaw. The contact was hard and hurt Reno’s knuckles. Tseng had registered what had happened before Reno had fully comprehended what he had just done. A quick kick to the gut cause Reno to double over himself. Tseng pushed Reno to the ground and Reno let out a yell of protest.

Reno found himself on the floor in a similar position he’d been against the wall except now Tseng was kneeling on top of him. Tseng’s knees pinned Reno’s hands to his back while he shoved Reno’s head into the carpet with his hands.

 “Don’t touch me, Reno.” Tseng hissed at him.

 “Fuck you.”

The office door was pushed open. People came in. There was yelling. Veld’s voice was heard over the rest.

 “What the hell is going on?” Veld called out. The fury in his voice matched the fury inside Reno’s soul.

Tseng stepped off of Reno and walked away, footsteps followed him.

As Reno tried to get to his feet hands came down to help him up. He knew it was Rude. He took the help and got to his feet.

On the other side of the room, standing behind the desk were Cissnei, Emma, and Tseng. Cissnei had her hand lightly against Tseng’s jaw having a close look at the redness. Emma had a hand on his shoulder and was asking him something.

Veld stood in between Reno and Rude, and Cissnei, Tseng and Emma. The rest of the Turks were gathered in the doorway looking in aghast, whispering to each other. Their eyes went between the two Turks who had been on the floor before.

 “You alright?” Rude asked.

 “Yeah, yeah.” Reno uttered, straightening his clothes. Rude and Cissnei exchanged a worried look.

Tseng was ignoring Reno. He was switching between placating the girls besides him and keeping an eye on Veld.

 “What in the hells is going on in here?” Veld’s voice was demanding, silencing all other noise in the room. “Fighting each other like you have the brains and hormones of SOILDIERs, not Turks. It’s despicable. I expect better from you. Especially you.” He pointed poignantly at Tseng. Tseng’s gaze fell to the ground. If there was a bit of Reno that would usually stand up for Tseng, that wanted to point at that it was Reno that instigated anything physical, it was remarkably silent right now.

 “Well?” Veld looked between the two Turks. They apparently chose the same time to look at each other as their gazes caught for a moment before they both looked down. “Nothing?” Veld waited for a response. Nothing came. “Boy, speak!” He demanded of Tseng.

 “A minor disagreement, sir.” Tseng hummed.

The group at the door made all sorts of noises; whispers, a scoff, a sigh. Veld set his sights on them.

 “Out!” He roared at the other Turks. Like flies being swatted away, the all vanished except for Emma, Cissnei and Rude. Veld tapped his foot. “Well?” He asked them.

Emma immediately began walking out. Rude looked at Tseng who nodded. Then Rude patted Reno on his shoulder twice reassuringly before following Emma out. Cissnei spoke to Tseng as gentle as a whisper but Turks could lip read.

 “Do you want a potion?” She asked Tseng. He shook his head so faintly that if you weren’t looking for it you wouldn’t have seen it. She touched his elbow and walked around the desk. She made a point of walking in front of Reno. “What happened?” She mouthed. Reno widened his eyes and shrugged.

 “Cissnei.” Veld warned like a behemoth protecting its territory. Cissnei stopped delaying and left, shutting the door behind her. “You.” Veld pointed at Reno, “sit.” He pointed to the chair Reno had previously been sitting in. Reno promptly sat. “You.” He pointed at Tseng. “Move.” Tseng side stepped out of the way.

Veld came and sat down at Tseng’s desk. He closed his angry eyes and huffed. As he began rubbing at his forehead Tseng carefully sat on the edge of the desk. Reno was suddenly aware of how much wrists and elbows were aching.

 “Is no one going to tell me what happened here?” When Veld opened his eyes the anger had been gone and disappointment remained. Tseng and Reno briefly looked at each other.

 “I wasn’t lying when I said it was a disagreement, sir.” Tseng was looking down at his shoes now. “A staffing issue that got out of hand.”

 “Out of hand?” Veld slammed his hand on the desk. Reno jumped, Tseng’s posture straightened. “I ignored the first noise I heard in my office but the second? You’re telling me two intelligent young men got into a fist fight over a staffing issue?”

Tseng smirked.

 “Well, technically only one of us resorted to firsts, sir.” Tseng hummed. Reno scowled.

 “Screw you.” He said. Veld slammed on the desk again. Both Turks shut up.

 “You should both receive corporal punishment for behaviour this out of line,” Veld sounded exasperated. “But I should not and will not reward violence between Turks with more violence.” Reno kicked at the carpet. Tseng started straighten his suit.

 “I’ll tell you right now, I’ll be docking both your pay.” He folded his arms, looking between the two. “But if you’re going to act like school children, I will treat you as such.” His dark brown eyes looked Reno up and down. “You, no playtime. You are on desk duty for a week.” Shit. Reno hated desk duty with a passion. He could do it, but a whole week of it would be tortured. “As for you, son,” He didn’t even look at Tseng “I’m so disappointed in you I don’t know when to start.” Tseng clenched and unclenched his hands. “We’ll start with a three-thousand-word essay on what you did wrong and how you can improve and then we’ll decide from there. Are we clear?”

 “Yes, sir.”

 “Yes, boss.”

 “Good.”

Reno felt sick. He felt sick for so many reasons he couldn’t express it. He felt terrible for embarrassing Veld but he felt like if he couldn’t go to that memorial service he may drop dead. He may just cease to be.

 “Go, Reno.” Veld dismissed Reno.

Reno shoved his hands in his pockets as he got up and left the room as quietly as he could manage. The door, however, was slammed.

When Reno left Tseng’s office, he chose to funnel out of his perception the way the others gathered in small groups gossiping or looked at him from their desks. He came over and sat slump in his chair at his desk next to Rude.

 “Should I ask?” Rude asked, adjusting his sunglasses.

 “Nah, not now.” Reno mumbled. The anger had turned back into that gut wrenching guilt but a little flame of utter defiance still sparked in his chest.

 “Let me know when.” Rude replied. Reno’s lips twitched into the faintest of smiles. Rude was a good friend. Rude was the best.

When Tseng came out of his office instead of Veld some of the eyes took themselves off Reno and landed on him. He let them for a moment as he crossed across the room on the way to the Turk’s break room, a coffee mug in hand, but just before the doorway he stopped and stood still for a moment. He turned around and eyed the room. The soft-spoken words dissolved slowly into nothingness. Only when it stopped did Tseng speak.

 “To save you the trouble of your speculation I am giving you all this one chance,” He held up a gloved finger “To ask me any question. Any at all.” Anyone who dared speak when Tseng was talking in that disdainful tone would have to be prepared to have their tongue ripped out of their mouths. Reno looked around to gage who kept looking at him and who looked away. “No one?” Tseng’s hand came to rest on the coffee mug he held in his other hand. He waited, tapping on it five times. “Balto?” He picked on the poor man. Balto pushed his glasses up his face. “I saw you in the doorway. Any questions?”

 “Not from me, sir.” He spoke. Tseng hummed.

 “Any questions for Reno?” He gestured to Reno. Reno slumped down further in his chair and scowled. More people looked down. “Quiet today, are we?” Tseng looked around. “Now that that is over, can we continue with business as usual?” The people in groups began to disperse. “Good. Carol, I’ve almost finished your letter for delivery.” People began going about their usual business, tensions and gossiping both evaporated. “If anyone needs to talk to me today, I’m out as of noon but I will be reachable by phone. Otherwise talk to the Director.”  And suddenly the Turks were back to normal.

Rude let a singled muffled laugh escape his mouth.

 “What?” Reno said harsher than he meant to.

 “Just wondering how he always does that.” He referred to Tseng’s control over the Turks. Half the room were older than him, some of them had been in the Turks longer than him. Somehow, he could just do that. Reno was usually impressed (maybe even inspired) but not right now. He wanted to say something childish like he does it by being an asshole. Or he’s just good at manipulating other people but with Veld’s scolding still in his head he just shrugged.

After lunch Reno knocked on Veld’s door. Unlike his habit of just entering Tseng’s office, he waited for the permission to come in before he came in.

 “Red.” Veld greeted Reno as he came in. Instead of sitting, Reno came to stand before the chair. Veld kept the pen in his hand that he’d been using to sign documents as he looked up at Reno. “What’s up?”

 “I need next Tuesday off, sir.” Reno said. Veld’s eyes grew distant.

 “Tseng handles that, Red.” He said, going back to signing documents. “I’m too old to deal with sick days and holidays.” Reno inwardly cursed and outwardly gritted his teeth. He had to try.

 “I already asked Tseng, sir.” He tried. Veld signed a page, sighed, and turned over to the next position that required his initials before looking at Reno.

 “Then if he said no, he said no. Nothing I can do.” He shrugged his shoulders nonchalantly at Reno. Reno felt sick. He took an imploring step closer to the commander’s desk.

 “But you can overrule him.”

 “Reno.” Veld warned. “I’ve already spoken to Tseng today about sowing dissent in my department. I don’t want to give the same talk to you. I’m already letting you off the hook, I wouldn’t push it.”

Shit.

Reno ran his hand through his hair.

 “I hope you know if you punch my second again over something as simple as a personal day, I will not be so kind.”

This had been poor decision. So many decisions in Reno’s life felt like they’d been poor today. The fact that he was even in this department had been a poor decision.

 “You’re very lucky Tseng didn’t tell the rest of the department what happened.” Stern brown eyes held him in place.

Screw Tseng. He wasn’t lucky because of anything that heartless bastard did.

 “He’s not innocent.” Reno fought back against his rage and hurt to say something worse. Veld nodded emphatically.

 “And I’m furious with him but I will not overrule him. It’s the way the world works sometimes, kid. It’s terrible, chaotic and cruel. You’ve got to deal with it.” Reno felt like he was being lectured by a father unlike his own. “Get back to work and try to find something useful to do with all the pent-up aggression. Spend your lunchbreak in the simulators, for Ifrit’s sake.”

Screw Veld too.

Not as much.

Okay, not really at all.

But it was still bullshit.

When Reno returned to his desk he sat down with a huff. He unlocked his computer and went back to the mind-numbing world of desk work.

 “He said no, too, huh?” Rude asked besides him. Reno only huffed in response. “You know,” Rude pushed up his sunglasses. “They can’t stop you from having a sick day. They can punish you for it indirectly but company policy says they can’t stop you.”

Reno looked up at Rude.

 “Yo, I love you, man.”

What was it Tseng said? You need to know the law to effectively bend it to your will.

The next day Reno was having a smoke out the front when Cissnei came to stand next to him. She had a coat on and her hands shoved in her pockets to stay warm.

 “Those will kill you; you know.” She spoke. Reno sniffed.

 “If they are they’re taking their damn time.” Reno replied in-between drags. Cissnei elbowed him.

They watched the cars drive by.

 “Tseng told me what happened yesterday.” She said. Reno rolled his eyes. “Are you okay?”

 “I thought you’d be on your best buddy’s side.” Reno mocked. Cissnei looked up at the hazy sky and shook her head.

 “Oh, I am, and you’re a dumbass.” She replied, a small smile on her soft lips. “But I mean about your friend.” Reno rubbed his neck with the hand not holding his precious cigarette. The guilt climbed out of his stomach and began creeping up his oesophagus.

  “Yeah.” He said.

 “You’re lying.” Cissnei pushed him with her elbow again. Reno smiled as he let out a little laugh.

 “Bloody Turks.” He teased softly. “Can’t hide anything from them.” Cissnei stepped closer to Reno to hide from the cold.

 “He is right, though.” She said, looking at Reno with those warm eyes of hers, Reno’s icy gaze held them in return. “It’s a bad idea.” Reno groaned. He flicked his cigarette into the street and watched as a car ran over it. “Go if you have to but please, stay at a distance and don’t be seen.”

 “Cis, no offence, but,” Reno turned to face her, looking down at her. “You have no idea what you’re talking about.”

 “I do, though.” She nodded to the tower. “And he does. And were not oblivious because we didn’t have families.” Ah shit. Tseng blabbed the wrong thing to the wrong person.

 “Cis, I didn’t mean it-”

 “Let me finish.” She placed her hand on Reno’s arm. “It’s because we only know the Turks that we know what we’re talking about.” She rubbed his arm. “You can talk to me whenever you want, before or after the service. I won’t judge. You can tell me all about your friend.”

She walked off into the Shinra Tower.

Maybe Reno would take her up on that one day – talking about Aspen. One day when it didn’t feel like even thinking about him hurt. Might even be nice. Cissnei might laugh at some of the stories. Reno had already told Rude most of the funny ones before the raid happened, all that remained untold to Rude were the bad ones. There was a different a Turk who’d heard a lot of the negative stories. One Reno would rather not think about again unless it was necessary.

Rude stopped by the office between assignments to swap out his equipment. Reno, chained to his desk the way he was, called his friend over.

 “Hey man,” Reno said. “If I do chuck a sickie for Tuesday… Do you think you could come with me?” Rude looked down. Reno knew the answer that was coming. He scratched at his eyebrow to obscure his face.

 “I’m in Cosmos Canyon Monday through to Wednesday.” He answered.

Yeah of course he was. Because of course they’d assign Reno’s partner, his best friend, on a mission away when Reno needed him most. There was a faint voice in Reno’s head that argued that people were assigned based on skills and resources and vendettas never came into it – that’s not how Veld and Tseng operated. The issue was they just didn’t stop and think of other factors. The flames of fury and the pit of agony argued that Reno should just focus on the fact that they didn’t think of others.

Why did Reno ever think Tseng was the one of the leadership team that others could go to for empathy? He was moulded to be Veld but better. Which, obviously meant worse.

 “You could ask Cissnei.” Rude offered. Reno slouched and shrugged.

 “She thinks it’s a bad idea.” Reno mumbled.

 “She’d still go.” Reno was feeling too alone and outnumbered to even let this sink in. He waved it off.

 “Go break some shit for me, will you?” He dismissed Rude.

 “You know I will.” Rude said, pulling on his gloves and clenching a fist. At least Rude could make Reno smile.

It was late. The office was empty except Reno, the only light coming from Reno’s computer screen and his desk lamp. He had two more reports to finish for the day. He was starting to think that by the time he finished today’s work it would be time to start the next days.

During the day the desk work was annoying and boring but survivable. People were in and out of the office all day. People to chat to or watch to distract Reno from his thoughts. When he was alone the guilt pit grew and began eating him.

Can’t believe Aspen is gone.

He’s gone and you’re still here.

He died in the gang and you’re still here doing paperwork for the Turks of all people.

You should have been there to stop it.

You should have been the one stuck there.

You shouldn’t have gotten out.

It’s your fault.

Talking from down the hallway broke Reno from the regular spiral, the one that also kept him up at night. As they got closer Reno recognised them. He recognised that voice that always sounded like a whisper that could wrap around your spine, and the other one that carefully chose the tones it used as it spoke. Sephiroth and Tseng. Reno rubbed at his forehead. He wished he could turn off his desk lamp and screen and disappear into the shadows before they came in the room. Lesser people might miss him but not those two.

When they entered the room and saw Reno at his desk Tseng had been midsentence. The words stopped and the casual look on his face was replaced with his neutral mask. Tseng was wearing a black overcoat and Sephiroth’s jacket was closed – a sign of the cold night air. Sephiroth’s hair had dark rust-coloured stains that spoke of blood (natural or monster) in it and both men’s hair weren’t as well kept as usual. They’d just gotten back from a job.

 “Wait here.” Tseng said quietly to Sephiroth. Sephiroth took the command and casually leaned against the wall while Tseng began walking over to his office. As he passed Reno’s desk Reno looked back at his computer and kept typing. Out of his peripheries Reno could see Sephiroth smirking.

 “This one is sulking.” He called out to Tseng. Tseng switched the light on in his office and went in.

 “He’s on desk duty. It’s not his forte.” Tseng called out. Was it a lie, an omission of truth, or just a partial truth? Either way Reno clenched his jaw and did his best to ignore that they were talking about him like he was there. Sephiroth let out a single laugh.

 “Ah yes. Just like Angeal’s pup.” Sephiroth said.

Reno scoffed. Tseng appeared in his doorway minus coat.

 “Reno deserves more credit than that.” Tseng argued to his friend. The General smirked. Reno did his best to keep ignoring them.

Tseng threw a keycard across the room. Sephiroth caught it with ease and shoved it in his pocket.

“You have twelve hours before the access is reverted. Use it wisely and quickly.” He told Sephiroth in his ‘I’m better than you because I’m a Turk’ tone.

 “Thank you, Tseng.” Sephiroth said. Tseng pursed his lips and nodded. Part of Reno wanted to ask what that was about. He’d ask if this was official or off the books normally but he did not have a right to interrupt a conversation between friends when he wasn’t friends with either of them. Only if he wanted to cause trouble, that is, and he didn’t have the energy for that right now. “I’ll see you around.” The General said. Tseng held his hand up in a lazy sort of wave.

And then they were alone; Reno at his desk and Tseng standing just outside his office.

As invisible hands closed around Reno’s throat, he did his best to ignore the other man’s presence. He told himself to just keep typing. He was aware that Tseng still stood there for a few minutes, doing Alexander knows what. Reno’s leg bounced up and down under the desk to get rid of some of the energy building up in himself.

When he heard Tseng’s office door close Reno was suddenly overcome with a wave of loneliness. He looked over and could see light shining out from underneath the door. Reno cursed to himself.

He couldn’t remember feeling this lonely before. He had always felt the presence of people around him, of friends and distant companions. Right now, he felt like a single candle flame in a never-ending darkness. Maybe the memorial service would make him feel better. Reconnecting with other flames who probably felt just as lonely having lost one of their flames.

When Reno had finally finished, he began packing up to go home for a few hours’ sleep. A smoke out the front first, and then he’d catch a ride home instead of walking. He was too tired to walk. As he turned off his desk lamp, he was acutely aware of the light still coming out from underneath Tseng’s office door. The Assistant Director was probably pulling an all-nighter.

An automatic instinct in Reno wanted to go and open that door and check on Tseng. It wanted to ask if Tseng wanted to come have a smoke with Reno or at least come out with him for an excuse to step away from the desk. That part was eaten away not by the anger but by guilt and sadness.

Even when Reno was mad at Tseng he wanted to help him out. Tseng at his best couldn’t be considerate to Reno’s feelings.

Is this the life Reno signed up for? For being a solitary flame surrounded by darkness?

Reno left the office.

Tuesday morning Reno spent the longest amount of time he’s ever spent looking for clothes looking for something appropriate to wear to a slums memorial service. All of his black clothes were nice; Turk uniforms or a nice coat or shirt, even a suit he bought for the sake of partying up on the plate. A suit was out of the questions for one as he screamed Turk in that. Secondly the only type of memorial service down in Wall Market where most people would be dressed in suits was in the Don’s gang. Even when Reno found something not nice it was on the verge of needing to be thrown out – an old hoodie he wore when he was lazing around his employee housing apartment.

He found a dark blue button up. He didn’t know how he got it but hey, it could work right? Dark blue was memorial service worthy and not too Turkish right? Pair that with some black jeans and his work shoes and it was the right level of nice to be respectful.

After he picked out his clothes he had to make the call. He sat on the arm of his chair and started dialling in the number. Was this the first time he felt apprehensive dialling this number? Felt like it. It felt like pressing call would kill him.

He pressed call and brought the phone up to his ear.

“Reno.” Tseng’s tone was tired more than anything. Normally Reno would follow up the greeting with something like ‘hey bossman, how are you doing?’. Normal didn’t exist anymore, today of all days especially.

 “Hey, um.” Reno found he needed to clear his throat. Worked to his advantage anyway. “I’m sick. I can’t come in.” He heard a sigh on the other end of the phone.

 “What a surprise.” The sarcasm made Reno’s fingers tighten on the phone. “You understand, of course, that it’s protocol that I make sure you are not being coerced into saying this and are actually under duress. We both know better but humour me. Work in your safe word if you are not alone.” Reno felt sick to his stomach. He felt like he was going to throw up but it came up as word vomit.

 “I’ve had enough of protocol to last me until I drop dead.” A moment passed with no response from the other side of the phone. Reno came close to apologising.

 “I’ll take that as confirmation that you are acting on your own accord. Next point of order; you do understand that a day off will not count as one of your punishment days as assigned to you by the Director. That’s just one extra day stuck behind your desk.” Reno fell onto his couch and stared at the ceiling.

 “Yeah, that’s fine. I don’t care.”

 “Finally, I would like to caution you, Reno, against-”

 “I’m not going to embarrass the company.” Another long pause.

 “Yes, well. I hope you feel better soon.” The sarcasm dripped through speaker like venom. “And, Reno.”

 “What?”

 “No. Nothing.”

Reno hung up the phone. He closed his eyes and tried to steel himself against whatever that was and whatever today would bring.

The memorial service was just at Aspen’s mother’s house. As Reno stepped through the threshold, he was suddenly aware of just how exactly the same it was since the last time he was here. The broken woodstove still broke, a little electric heater plugged in producing the heat instead. The tiles as beige and cracked as he remembered, the artwork of sunnier greener places still filling the walls with family photos. The dark green couch was still the same but the fake leather had faded away in places now to reveal the scratchy brown material it had been adhered to.

It all hit Reno with a feeling of longing and a deep fear at the same time. Longing for a nostalgic time of childhood innocence – of sneaking in and out, of attempting to fix that stove, of counting the cracks in the tiles while zoning out the world. But the fear of stagnation that had loomed over Reno for years was back. The fear of this being it. Of never being able to pay for someone to replace the stove, of never seeing those green places the pictures depicted, of the same cycle of poverty and violence over and over again. He didn’t want to be his dad. He didn’t even want to be his mother or Aspen’s mother. He’d so desperately wanted out but he’d abandoned his best friend in doing so. Doomed him.

Once that passed Reno was aware of the eyes on him. People he knew and didn’t know all the same stared at him. It was reminiscent of the Turks standing around and talking but there was something less foreboding when the Turks were gossiping about the fight between Reno and Tseng then what was happening now. The Turks were concerned and intrigued. These people were frightened and angry. Reno ignored them. He headed to the kitchen where he knew he’d find Aspen’s mother. She would be doing her best to be a good hostess on this terrible day of days, preparing finger foods to hand out.

Sure enough, there she was, cutting up some type of processed meat to put on the charcuterie board she was throwing together. Reno couldn’t help but smile when he saw her. His heart ached in his chest as he thought about giving her a hug.

 “Hey.” He announced his presence. She looked over. When she saw him she almost dropped her knife.

 “Reno.” She breathed. Panic and fear crossed her face as clear as day. Reno’s heart did flips in his chest. He stopped his smile from faltering, fearful of frightening her further. “What are you doing here?” She asked. Reno let his confusion show as he frowned.

 “Same as everyone else.” He said. “Wanted to say goodbye to-” He stepped forward and as he did, she stepped back and held the knife in a defensive position with both hands. Reno’s words died on his lips. He held his hands up in a surrender.

 “Gale, it’s just me.” He said, taking a step closer. She held the knife out further. Reno stopped.

 “You shouldn’t be here, Reno.” Reno’s stomach turned. He had to swallow bile.

 “Course I should. Aspen was my friend.” He tried, he implored. “We were like brothers.” She looked like she pitied him, she did, pitied the poor boy he had been, but the fear outweighed the pity.

 “You should go.” She begged.

 “What’s going on?”  voice from behind Reno called out, angry and gruff. Reno felt like when he was at work and some big tough reinforcement turned up and expected their size alone to be enough to take out a Turk. Reno fought the urge to turn around with his Turk swagger and tried to turn around how he imagined a normal person did.

The man was tall and musclebound as his voice and attitude suggested but this wasn’t just any musclebound jerk. It was Alden, Aspen’s older brother. The greasy hair, the gold chains, that crooked nose. This had been the man that Reno and Aspen as young boys had practically worshiped. He could do nothing wrong in their eyes. If he beat someone to a pulp it was because they deserved it.

 “Alden!” Reno laughed to try and diffuse the tension. “How you doing, pal? I’m so sorry about-”

 “Get out of here.” Alden snarled. Reno frowned and crinkled his nose. The whole room were watching them now. That itchy guilt was getting worse.

 “What are doing?” Reno asked. “Just here to say goodbye to Aspen like everyone else, yo.”

 “You don’t get to say goodbye.” Alden’s large hand shoved Reno’s shoulder. Once it might have pushed him over, now Reno held his footing firm and looked at the offending hand.

 “Don’t touch me, Alden.” Reno warned, raising his eyebrows.

 “Turks aren’t allowed here.” Alden said. That felt like a punch to the gut but Reno didn’t let it cross his face. He folded his arms across his chest and pouted.

 “Dude, I wasn’t involved. I’m here on my own.” He held his arms out. “You can check me for a bug if you want.”

 “Leave, Reno.” Aspen and Alden’s mother called out from the kitchen. Reno hazarded a glance behind him and saw her still holding the knife. He looked around took in each pair of judgemental eyes. He didn’t belong here. He didn’t belong anywhere.

 “Bloody hell, judgy-much.” He scoffed. “You know I wouldn’t judge you if you ended up as one of the Don’s Honeybees.”

Alden lunged for him. Too big and slow for people trained to be prepared to fight a rogue SOLDIER, Reno easily dodged. Reno took hold of Aspen’s wrist in one hand, and a hunk of the man’s greasy hair in another and shoved him into the doorframe between the kitchen and the living space.

 “I told you not to touch me, pal.” Reno growled into the back of Alden’s head.

 “Just leave Reno!” Gale cried from the kitchen.

Nausea washed over Reno.

He was alone still. He was all alone in nothingness, even his own light had gone out.

Reno let go of Alden and stepped out of the way before Alden could lash out at him.

 “Okay, okay. I’m out of here.” Reno relented, holding both hands up in there. “Damn, can’t a guy say goodbye to an old friend, yo?” He shoved his hands in his pockets. “Should have just worn the suit after all.”

He managed to leave without someone else trying to punch him. He walked down the streets on autopilot. He kept walking until he reached the train station. There he sat on the steps and buried his head in his hands.

He felt worse than he had before. He felt worse than when he had heard the news of what had happened in the bust.

He felt like he had nothing and all that nothing was all he had to help ease the sickness he felt.

He shouldn’t have joined the Turks.

He had lost everything.

He wished Rude was in town.

He wished…

He took out his phone and dialled Cissnei’s number.

Chapter Text

The phone only rang three times but those three times felt like they stretched forward into an eternity.

 “What’s up?” Cissnei’s angelic voice was like a flashlight briefly being turned on in the darkness. Suddenly Reno could see around the darkness and make out a pathway. Reno could just picture her holding the phone to her ear, head cocked to the side. Reno smiled despite himself.

 “Hey Cis, are you free right now?” Reno asked. He was aware of how raw and broken he sounded – he hadn’t meant to.

 “It’s a work day.” She replied. Reno rubbed his eye with the palm of his freehand.

 “Every day is a work day to one of us. Are you free? I could use a chat with someone.”

The silence had to be only for a fleeting moment but it felt like an eternity.

 “I’m on the way to meet with some informants with Tseng.” Because of course she was, he thought with a roll of his sky-blue eyes. The logical part of him reminded Reno that Tseng and Cissnei were partners. The part of him that was lost and confused and the part of him that was just so unexplainably indignant with Tseng right now didn’t want to listen to logic. Reno looked up to the underside of the plate.

 “My bad. It’s cool, yo.”

 “Are you alright?” She asked.

 “Fine. Don’t worry about it, short stack.”

 “It’s Reno.” She sounded distant. She’d turned away from her phone to talk to Tseng. “No, I don’t think so.” Reno focused on the plate, noting the loose wires hanging and that someone should probably do something about that. Not him, just someone. “Where are you?” Cissnei was talking to Reno again.

 “Six Undercity station.” He answered.

 “Six Undercity station.” Cissnei repeated out to her partner. “Tseng’s going to drop me off. I’ll be there soon.”

 “Nah it’s cool if you’re busy.”

 “He’s already turning around. You’ll be wasting our time now if I don’t come see you now.” Turk logic.

 “Alright. I’ll hang tight.”

 “See you soon.”

Reno almost dropped his phone by his side before his Turk instincts kicked in and forced him to shove it into his pocket.

What had happened started to creep into Reno’s limbs like frostbite. He had spent so many years wanting to be just like Alden only to have Alden act like that to him. Aspen had been Reno’s do or die and he had only wanted to say goodbye and sorry for abandoning him for the ideas of a better life only to for it to be snatched away from Reno’s idol. And Gale – the way she looked at him. That was not the woman who invited Reno and his mother over on holidays so they wouldn’t be alone.

Reno should have tried harder to break through to them. Instead, he had turned to Turk mode. Instead, he had acted exactly like bloody Tseng with a little Reno twist.

And before with Tseng, Reno had acted just like Alden with a Turk twist. Turk’s words hurt deeper than someone just flinging your job title at you.

It hit Reno like a tonne of bricks.

Tseng had been a total dick but Reno had made it worse.

Reno had been so busy lamenting the loss of one of the only lights in his young life and feeling the darkness that he had only made his world a little darker.

Thank Pheonix that Veld hadn’t fired Reno. Would Cissnei be coming to see him if he was no longer a Turk? Maybe because her heart was softer than she let on but also maybe not. Not with Tseng by her side.

He still hated Tseng right now. His denial of letting Reno go say goodbye to his friend still stinging at the thought but then he thought of his face when Reno had flung Aerith at him. There was no coming back from that. That was trust being destroyed right there. That was the same as abandoning your friend in the slums because you didn’t want to be a petty criminal anymore.

Reno felt like the lowest of the low. He felt like a piece of gum stuck on the bottom of one of the Don’s goon’s shoes. He didn’t deserve anything. He just let everyone around him down.

Reno recognised the car as soon as it pulled up on the side of the road; sleek, black, non-descript but classy as hell. Cissnei got out of the passenger side. She leant in and spoke to the driver for a few moments before saying goodbye and shut the door. She turned around and smiled a careful Turk smile when she saw Reno. The car waited until she got within a few paces before it indicated to get back into traffic.

 “Hey you.” Cissnei called out as she got close. The cold wind whipped her wavy hair around her face. Reno waved lazily. Right in front of him, Cissnei took in his image. “I take it things didn’t go well.” She didn’t need to be reminded of what was today – Turks hoarded knowledge the way dragons hoarded treasure. Reno snorted. Cissnei sat next to him on the stairs, shoulders touching.

 “Complete disaster.” Reno said. He mimed an explosion with his hands.

 “I hate being right here and as much as I like to say I told you so-”

 “Yeah, yeah, you told me so.” Reno pushed her lightly. She looked down to hide her smile widen. “Shit, Cis. You should have seen it.” Reno wrought his hands together. “It was like I wasn’t me. It was like I did it myself. Like it was my gun that…” His words fell into a breath. Cissnei shook her head.

 “People just see the suit.”

 “I’m not wearing the damn suit.” When Cissnei didn’t reply Reno apologised.

 “Why did it have to be me?” Reno shook his head clear his eyes. “Why couldn’t Shinra have picked Aspen. Or any other slum rat.” Cissnei looked at his side profile.

 “Is that how you think Commander Veld picks a Turk?” She teased. “He has a list of locations and just picks a person?”

 “Cis.” Reno rolled his eyes.

 “Oh, we don’t have someone from Wutai on the team. Better go over there and pick a random kid for that diversity hire.”

 “Cis.” Reno smirked.

 “Our Undercity numbers are looking bad. Let’s see, Wall Market will have someone. The louder the better. Do we need a girl this time? No, our female ratio is high enough to keep HR off my back.”

 “Cis.” Reno laugh. He pushed her again. She laughed.

 “You were chosen because you had what it takes.” She rested her head on his shoulder. “Don’t let grief make you lose sight of that.” Reno leant his head to rest it on her head.

 “Doesn’t feel like it.” He said quietly. “Feels like I’m failing at being a Turk pretty badly right now.”

 “No, you’re not.”

 “I punched fucking Tseng.”

A beat.

 “Yeah, that was a pretty big fail.” Cissnei answered. Reno wasn’t sure if he wanted to laugh or cry. “I was furious at you for that.”

 “I’m pretty mad at myself.” Reno finally admitted. “But I’m madder at him.” Reno’s shoulder’s tense. Cissnei removed her head from his shoulder. “I just wanted him to…” To what? What did Reno expect of the assistant-director of the Turks? “I don’t know… have a heart, I guess. Big ask.” Cissnei’s gaze flickered over to where the car had been moments before. She pushed her lips together. She was thinking. “If he’d just let me come, I would only feel like half the asshole I feel like right now.”

Cissnei looked like she was going to say something and decided not to.

“What?” Reno asked. She shook her head. “No. What?”

 “Nothing. I think you need to come to these conclusions on your own.” She said. Reno’s lip lifted as he pulled a face. Cryptic Turk nonsense.

 “What am I supposed to do, Cis?” Reno leant back. “I don’t even know what to do for the rest of today.” He felt like he’d been beaten up the worst he ever had. He felt like he’d been lit on fire and been allowed to burn to a crisp.

 Cissnei looked at the time on her phone.

 “I don’t know.” She answered. “But I haven’t eaten lunch today.” She pocketed her phone. “Want to go back to the plate and get some pizza? We can eat it at your place.” Back to the plate where it was far more Turk friendly. Some of the bars and restaurants even smiled at their regular Turk customers. She smiled at him. “Been a while since I caught the train on purpose.” Reno laughed.

 “Sounds good.”

Cissnei stayed with Reno until 9pm, sometimes talking about earlier in the day and the annoying emotions that surrounded it but more so talking about anything but. When she left it was to get some good sleep before work the next day and she urged Reno to do the same. He tried, he really did, but sleep never came.

A sleepless night full of tossing and turning was what awaited Reno. Sleep wasn’t something that escaped him often – he was a master of shutting off his brain and getting a good night’s sleep. Someone had once asked him how he slept at night. He replied ‘like a baby’. Tonight – and every night since that success of that gods cursed bust operation – that was not true and that particular person was probably feeling suddenly satisfied for a reason they couldn’t place.

After trying to close his eyes, almost dozing off, looking at the clock and rinsing and repeating Reno gave up. He took his blanket and sat on his couch watching whatever counted as late night/early morning television. Whenever the ads came on Reno had a hard time remembering what he was actually watching. His eyes watched the screen but his head just kept repeating ‘It shouldn’t have been this way’ over and over again. All he had wanted was to say goodbye. Maybe if he did, he would have felt normal again.

At five o’clock Reno knew he was not going to work today. Technically he knew at three but kept arguing to himself that he’d be fine and at five he just accepted his fate. He opened his texts to send a message to Tseng in order to avoid talking to him but he knew if he did it would just lead to the phone call later to make sure he was safe and Reno would rather only have to think about him once today.

 He wouldn’t let you say goodbye to your friend. His devil on his shoulder said.

You didn’t have to say such horrible things to him. The angel argued back.

He said them too, and he wouldn’t let you say GOODBYE to your FRIEND.

He always has his reasons.

See. Reno would rather be stuck in his other rumination hole than this one.

He pressed call.

“Good morning, Reno.” Tseng had answered almost straight away. In the background Reno could hear that expensive coffee-maker of Tseng’s. “I can hazard a guess as to why you’re calling, although I hadn’t expected it for at least two more hours.” Reno almost smiled. Almost.

 “Yeah, I can’t come in.” Reno said. He almost actually sounded sick this morning – fatigue in every syllable.

 “Safe word?” Reno said nothing. “And your punishment continues another day.” Reno closed his eyes.

 “Yep.”

A pause. Reno could hear a teaspoon hitting the side of a mug as it stirred.

 “If you wanted to say something else now is your chance.” Tseng offered. Reno’s brows knitted together. Really, Tseng? Now?

 “I really don’t.”

 “Okay. Well, Rude is scheduled to arrive back in Midgar around two this afternoon.” Was that information supposed to be something to help Reno? He had already known Rude was getting back sometime this afternoon or evening. How was that supposed to help now?

 “Mm-hm.” Was the politest answer Reno could come up with.

Silence again.

The thirty seconds of silence felt like it stretched on for an eternity.

“Okay, see you.”

 “Bye.”

Reno pulled his covers over his head and groaned.

That was a trainwreck. It could have so easily been steered back on track but Reno didn’t let it. Just like everything else lately. It was not many days ago that Reno was living life, full of confidence, pretty sure he could do no wrong. There was a saying about that, wasn’t there? Something about pride and falling? Rude would know. Cissnei would definitely know. Tseng probably said it to enemies. Veld has probably said it to other Turks.

After another hour lying on the couch Reno was done. He needed to go somewhere and do something.

Reno changed into that hoody he owned and any pair of trousers he could find. Maybe a walk around sector zero would do him good.

That walk ended up becoming a wander around the plate wherever his legs decided to lead his body.

What decided now to bother him during his walk was his reception at the memorial service. These people were his friends and family for so long and now they hated him. They looked at him with enough disgust to shake him to his core.

Sure, he got out and became a Turk of all things, but he had to. His mother had died due to the gang violence down there. He’d seen the stuff that Alden had started dealing in and it had scared him. There was some stolen merchandise and illegal substances that Reno could get behind but there were other things he couldn’t. He saw all his peers including his best friend going down the same route. He hadn’t wanted that. Could they really begrudge him this? Could they really label him a traitor because he didn’t want to find himself one day taking unsuspecting girls to the Don.

Turks dealt in darkness too. He’d traded one gang for another but he hadn’t cared. At least this gang was paid legally. At least this gang came with security. And at least, he found out quite quickly, this gang was not fond of losing their members.

Reno had traded one violent family for the other.

Was either better than the other?

He thought of the time he and Aspen were trying to fix the wires on a stolen – and broken (oops) – television to sell it. They had to be only ten and wildly guessing at what they were doing. Aspen had connected the wrong things and a jolt of electricity had gone through him. Reno, having never witnessed such a thing, was scared shitless.

He thought of the time he and Rude were chasing someone who had run off with stolen merchandise from Scarlet’s division. The fugitive shot a Thundara in their direction. Reno had dodge but it hit Rude right in the chest. Reno had stopped to check on his partner. Rude, after recovering from the paralysis had uttered “I hate thunder spells.” Then he told Reno to run ahead, he’d catch up.

He thought of Alden covered in bruises, holding an ice pack to his head as his mother search for any first aid supplies, they had. ‘You should see the other guy!’ He had boasted but then failed to elaborate any further.

He thought of Tseng waltzing into the office after a mission with a black eye and a busted lip. As always happened with the Turks people asked what happened. Tseng had said it was irrelevant, the mission was successful. Reno had joked ‘What does the other guy look like?’. Tseng said ‘What other guy?’ with the darkest glint of humour in his eyes and Reno had laughed so hard. Emma had scolded them for such jokes.

He thought of Aspen, dead on the filthy floor floor of some dirty makeshift weapons warehouse somewhere – a bullet through his head, growing colder before the life stream finally took him. Then again, Ruluf was a bit of a gun slinger. It wouldn’t have been one bullet wound. It would have been many. The thought made him feel sick. Suddenly the idea of a loss of life wasn’t as funny as it was that time with Tseng.

But if someone had done to Tseng, or Cissnei, or Pheonix forbid; Rude, wouldn’t Reno feel equally sick? Actually, he’d move heaven and earth to track that person down and make them suffer. He knew who did it to Aspen. Why didn’t he feel quite the same way? Maybe because he’d kill someone for Ruluf, too. It was one of the Turk’s unspoken rules. The gang mentality timed to a thousand. You look after your own.

Gang members didn’t earn that level of loyalty from each other. Did the Turks?

As soon as it was later enough in the morning for bars to start opening up Reno went for the first one. Introspection didn’t suit him and he needed to shut up his stupid brain as soon as possible.

Reno came to and found himself resting his head on a toilet seat in the public bathrooms of, judging by the loud bass seeping through the walls, a nightclub. He could taste vomit in his mouth, disgusting and sour. Reno grimaced and spat into the toilet.

He didn’t know how he got here, or where exactly here was, but he knew he was tired and wanted to go home. The pit of guilt in his stomach had filled with feeling of sickness and fatigue. He wanted to go home so badly.

But where is home? He brain argued. Where do you belong?

He didn’t have a chance to answer his brain. His body, acting on instinct, dug his phone out of his pocket (Yes! He hadn’t lost it) and pressed redial.

It rang through and got to messages. Once again on instinct, Reno hit hang up and redial. This time it was answered on the second ring.

 “This better be important, Reno.” Tseng sounded like he’d been asleep. Reno looked at the time on his phone.

2.21am.

Wow. He really had found a way into an afterhours night club. How many hours of drinking had that been? He didn’t want to do the math right now.

 “I want to go home.” Reno was aware of how pathetic he sounded as he spoke into the phone.

 “Where are you?” He still sounded half asleep but Reno could tell Tseng’s serious tone. “Are you hurt?”

 “No.” Reno sighed, answering the second question first, rubbing his hand through his hair. “I don’t know where I am. The bathroom of some kind of nightclub on the plate, I think.” Reno looked at the tiles below him – polished black tiles with specks of glitter in them. “Yeah, the plate.”

 “Do you know how many nightclubs there are on the plate?” Tseng chided.

 “No.” Reno closed his eyes. “Do you?” He heard Tseng make a noise.

 “Get me something useful, please.” Reno looked around for a poster in the bathroom stall. Nothing except something advertising Ladies’ Night on Tuesday. Reno thought about standing up but that seemed too hard.

 “Hey.” He called out to the room, his voice bouncing off the walls. He looked underneath the stall to his left and he could see shoes. “Hey!” He banged on the stall wall.

 “Whoa, whoa!” A voice yelled back.

 “Yo, do you know where we are? What street is this?”

 “Alphreid Street.” The confused man called out.

 “Alph-“

 “I heard.” Tseng cut him off. “I’ll be five minutes. Can you stay put?” Reno rested his head against the toilet seat again.

 “Man, I’m not even moving from this stall.” A sniff of some form of amusement on the other end.

 “See you soon.”

 “See you.”

There was a knock on the stall door. Reno ignored it and stayed as quiet as he could. Maybe whoever it was would go away.

Another knock. Reno scowled.

 “Reno, it’s locked.” Reno had never been so relieved to hear Tseng’s even toned voice in his life. If Cissnei had been a flash of light then Tseng was a bloody stadium light. “Do you want me to unlock it from this side?” Reno scrambled to his feet. He had to wait a second for the dizziness to disperse before he fumbled with the crude lock and opened the door.

Tseng was standing there in uniform (because it was Tseng) but his jacket was undone and his hair was out. If Reno focused, he’d also notice the lack of gloves and cufflinks. This had been a rushed and sleep deprived attempt to just look presentable and let people know to leave him alone.

 “Hey.” Reno gave a lopsided grin.

 “Hey.” Tseng echoed back. You could see just a hint of the disturbed sleep around the edges of his Turk persona. His eyes were as cold as ever but they looked strained. Damn, Reno missed this asshole.

This complete cold and calculated jerk of a living being had taught Reno more than Alden did in the many years Aspen and Reno had spent lapping in everything he said. A Turk called and Tseng responded. Alden had once lost Reno and Aspen in Sector Three slums and searched for a little while before heading home. The small boys had to make it home themselves. Alden had taught Reno to be tough at all times. Tseng had taught him that toughness was another tool to be utilised at the correct moments.

Alden was free flowing with his laughter and praise and made you, for lack of a better word, cool. You had to earn a real laugh from Tseng.

Reno blinked his eyes to stop the threatening waterworks. His defences were weakened and this stupid man had the gall to turn up on command. He was supposed to be dismissive. He was supposed to say no.

 “I want to go home.” Reno repeated. “But I don’t know where that is.” He waved his hand in desperation. “And you always have an answer for everything but I’m not talking to you and-”

 “Reno.” Tseng silenced Reno with a simple call of his name. An odd type of smirk passed on the Wutain man’s face. “It’s flattering that you should think I have the answer for everything. I can tell you that’s a carefully crafted illusion.” He took a breath. “But.”

 “But you do know where home is?” Reno asked, crystal eyes blinking. Tseng gave a small nod.

 “I do know where home is.” Reno leant against the wall of the stall, closed his eyes, covered them with a hand, and took the deepest breath he had taken in a week. A hand was placed on his upper back. He looked to see Tseng nodding to the exit.

It took a bit of manoeuvring for Tseng to get the very drunk man out of the nightclub. A Turk escorting a drunk out of a club gained its fair share of looks. If only they knew Reno was also a Turk – they might have even gotten some more looks. Reno had stumbled and fell into a ball stool and had laughed at his luck saving him from a fall. Tseng had bristled – tired and wanting to leave immediately. Eventually they got out into the cold night air.

Tseng’s car was parked illegally out the front of the club and there was a ticket under his windshield wiper. He picked it up, gave it a cursory glance, rolled his dark eyes, and shoved it into his pocket. A few clicks on the computer tomorrow and that would disappear.

Tseng opened the passenger door and waited for Reno to get in.

 “I can open my own door, you know.” Reno grumbled, climbing in.

 “Mm-hm.” Tseng slammed it closed. He got in and turned on the car. The heater took a while to kick in but if it didn’t feel glorious on the cold bones.

 “Thank you.” Reno sighed.

 “Any time.” Tseng uttered, turning into the street. The fire burnt in Reno’s chest. It was a much dimmer fire now but it was still hot enough to cause a temper.

 “Like fuck it’s anytime.” Reno spat. Tseng’s elbows tensed. He adjusted his hands on the steering wheel. “Where was ‘anytime’ when I wanted to go to memorial service?” Reno waved wildly, hitting the door accidentally. “Nah, then I was an embarrassment to the company.” One of Tseng’s index fingers tapped on the steering wheel.

 “I don’t remember saying that.” He pointed out. Reno pulled a face. “What I said was something along the lines of how would it look for a Turk to turn up at that memorial.” Reno’s mouth was filling with bile. He swallowed the urge to throw up. “I let you infer what you wanted.” Reno’s head was spinning.

 “So, what?” Reno shrugged. “What you’re saying is you were trying to protect me from what ended up happening?  And you let me go off at you?” Tseng kept his eyes on the road. “Tseng!?” Tseng tucked his hair behind his ear.

 “You clearly needed to vent.”

 “Ah, fuck!” Reno buried his face in his hands.

 “And there is no harm in using me as an outlet for some of that frustration.” Tseng clenched his jaw. “Until you crossed the line.” Reno groaned.

 “I told you no one would mourn you.” Reno moaned into his hand. His hands the fell heavily into his lap and he leaned back to look at the clean upholster roof. “I told you Veld didn’t love you.”

 “I know.” If you knew Tseng as well as Reno you could catch the hint of sadness.

 “I told you Aerith didn’t love you.”

 “I know.”

 “And you know, there’s love and then there’s love and just because she doesn’t love you doesn’t mean she doesn’t love you.”

 “I don’t think the distinction mattered at the point. I surmised that you meant it in any way you could.” Tseng swallowed. “I’d rather not talk about it.”

 “Ifrit damn it!” Reno shrank in the seat. He wished he could disappear. “I punched you. I tried to do it twice.” Tseng didn’t answer that one. The angel on Reno’s shoulder was done. The devil decided it was it’s turn. Reno waved in Tseng’s direction. “But you, you brought up my mum and dad!” Reno raised his voice. Tseng kept his eyes on the road. “You called everyone I ever knew derelicts and drug addicts. And you said I was a gnat. You’re an asshole too.”

 “I have never denied that.” He said so calmly.

 “Ah, screw you!” Reno turned to look out the window.

Reno watched the green tinted fog and the dim streetlights as they drove in silence for two minutes.

“You know that’s what I hate the most.” Reno called out over his shoulder. “Ooh I’m Tseng, I’m so tough and scary. Everyone should fear me and stay away from me. Then you drop Cis off, and pick me up, and whatever the hell it is you gave Sephiroth access to that he shouldn’t be able to get to!”

 “That’s classified.”

 “Damn straight it is. He shouldn’t be able to see it.” Reno looked over to glare at Tseng to see one of his hands tapping on the wheel. The fire was sucked right out of Reno’s soul and he sighed. He knew what that meant. He’d seen it before. He’d tried to stop it before. “You don’t have to take this, yo. You and I both know you’ve torn me a new one like a thousand times.”

 “As I said, there’s no harm in-”

 “Outlet, venting.” Reno waved. “Yeah, whatever.” Reno turned back to the window. “I’ll tell me to shut up for you, then.”

 “You should listen to yourself more often.” There was something close to humour in his voice. Despite everything, Reno smirked.

 “Shut up,” Reno sort of laughed. “I do listen to myself.”

 “And yet you’re still talking.” Reno shot a pretend look of irritation over his shoulder. The response was a quirked eyebrow. Damn if this didn’t feel like something close to home.

Reno stumbled into his apartment with Tseng on his heels. Reno made a beeline for the couch where his blanket was left abandoned this morning and collapsed face first into it. He whined loudly and as he rolled over, he pulled the blanket with him, dragging it over himself.

Reno heard the telltale beep of his heater being switched on and as warmth immediately filled the room he hummed.

 “Electric heaters a great, yo.” Reno mumbled into his blanket. “Did I ever tell you the time my friend and I tried to fix a wood stove?”

 “The one you tried to use wood glue on?” Tseng asked flatly. Reno hummed an affirmative. “Yes, you told me that story as I glued Samatha’s head wound.” Reno smirked. He had not been using wood glue, obviously, but the sight of glue being used on a head had sparked a memory.

 “Yeah. Didn’t turn out well.”

 “I remember.” Judging by the sound of his voice Tseng had edged himself back towards the edge of the living room close to the door out of the place. Reno shot his eyes opened and leaned forward to look. Tseng was so close to the door he could easily slip out.

 “Where are you going?” Reno asked, fear flaring up in the drunk man’s chest.

 “I have an early start in a few hours.” Tseng gave his explanation. The panic grew.

 “You can’t go.” Reno necessitated. Last night he was fine until Cissnei left. After that he couldn’t sleep, and then he went out, and then this happened. This place wasn’t home. It was home adjacent and had something to do with his home, but it itself was not home.

Tseng took out his phone and looked at the time. He clicked his tongue.

“I’m so drunk I could throw up in my sleep or choke on my tongue. Do you want that?”

 “Manipulation doesn’t work on me.” Tseng growled.

 “Come on.” Reno was sure he must have looked pretty desperate now because something in Tseng’s expression changed. He pocketed his phone.

 “When was the last time you ate?” He asked in such an exaggerated defeated tone. Reno had to use his brain for that one.

 “Last night with Cissnei.” He thought that was it. He wasn’t sure if he’d eaten anything at any of the bars or clubs he had gone to. Tseng took a breath.

 “I’ll make you something.” He walked over to the tiny kitchenette and employee of Reno’s status was afforded. Reno collapsed back onto the couch. He saw as Tseng’s lip turned up at the contents of Reno’s fridge. “You have no vegetables.”

 “I order in a lot, yo.”

 “Hmm.” He brought out a half-empty pack of white bread and checked the expiry date. “Sandwich it is, then.”

The guilt in Reno’s guts started to erode and be replaced with hunger. A sandwich actually sounded really good right now.

“Get up.” A deep voice rouse Reno from his slumber. As he opened his eyes, he had to shield his vision from the blinding lights that were his ceiling lights. As they adjusted and the blurriness began to smooth out, he saw the image of his best friend standing above him. Rude in his black suit and sunglasses, holding two cups of coffee and a brown paper bag. “Time to go to work.” He said upon seeing Reno awake. Reno closed his eyes and laughed.

 “I missed you, man.” Reno smiled into his blanket. “You wouldn’t believe the shit I’ve been through.”

 “I know.” He replied, putting the coffees and the bag down on the small coffee table. When Reno looked up and gave him a look Rude pushed his sunglasses up his nose. “Cissnei texted me on Tuesday.” Reno nodded, understanding. “And then Tseng called me this morning.” Reno dramatically groaned. He pulled himself into a seated position. He waited for his vision to catch up to his body before he did anything else.

 “Did you know it was going to end up so badly, too?” Reno asked. Rude made a noise in his throat.

 “I didn’t know for sure.”

 “But you knew it was probably gonna happen.” Reno finished his sentence. Rude made a subtle head gesture confirming Reno’s suspicions. Reno huffed. He leaned forward and took one of the coffees. He grabbed the bag and looked inside. Two donuts. His stomach growled at the pleasurable site. He took one out, placed the bag next to Rude’s coffee, and took a bite. “So Cis snitched.” Reno spoke with food in his mouth. “What did the bossman say?”

 “Not much.” Rude offered. “Only that he had to pick you around two in the morning. Is there something I should know?” Reno pulled a face. Oh boy, wasn’t there?

 “I think I yelled at him again.” Reno said. Rude grunted his disapproval. “And then I think he made me a sandwich.”

Rude lowered his glasses. Reno smirked. Rude smirked back.

 “You got a sandwich? You’re lucky to be alive and you got a sandwich?” Reno shrugged.

 “I dunno, man. It’s amazing what pity will get you.” He said. Rude looked like he was about to say something and then he put on his sunglasses so Reno continued. “When did my whole life become about the Turks?” He asked.

 “It happens to everyone.” Rude said.

 “Is it because everyone else hates us, do you think?” Reno asked. “Or is it the co-dependency thing we got going on? Cos you know, we’re worse than any gang I’ve ever seen.”

 “I think it’s both.” Rude offered. Reno sniffed and took another bite of his donut. “Go get changed. Tseng’s not accepting anymore sick days.”

 “Yeah, yeah. I’m moving.” Reno spoke after he swallowed as he removed his blanket and got off the couch. He stopped before he got too far. He looked at Rude and thought about it for a second. Then he went up to the big lug and pulled him into a hug. Rude hugged him back.

The last light needed to fill the darkness filtered in. Reno could see his home again.

It was seven in the evening and Tseng hadn’t talked to Reno all day. Unless you count the morning when Veld and Tseng spoke to the whole group about announcements but Reno emphatically did not. Tseng had not looked at him once during that.

Now the only people in the office were Reno finishing his paperwork goal for the day and – judging by the lights under their doors – Veld and Tseng. Reno had just finished everything he needed to do to be set free for the evening. He turned off his computer and looked at the light under Tseng’s door.

The man probably hadn’t slept long. He had an early start and who knows what time he managed to escape Reno’s place. He’d definitely been home by the state of his appearance. He could probably use a break. Better yet he could probably call it a night.

Hesitation coursed through Reno’s veins. The devil who was still a little bitter argued against it. The angel told him to shut up.

Reno walked up to that office door. He knocked twice and opened it. Tseng didn’t look at him now either. He kept typing at his usual pace, not even a pause in action to indicate he had noticed but there’s no doubting he did. Reno shoved his hands into his pockets.

 “Hey.” Reno’s called out.

 “Yes?” Tseng asked. It was the voice he used when speaking to the likes of Heidegger, Palmer or even Scarlet. Reno let it was over him and ignored it.

 “I’ve finished my stuff already.”

 “Good.”

He kept typing. Reno took a step further into the office and finally the typing slowed a little.

 “I, ah, I figured you might need a break. Wanted to see if you wanted to get something to eat quickly.” He shrugged. “I kind of owe you some food.” Reno gave a lopsided grin to demonstrate his humour. Tseng was having none of it.

 “I’m fine, thank you. Have a good evening.” He dismissed Reno. Reno shuffled his weight from foot to foot.

 “Come on, boss-man.”

 “Boss-man, is it?” Tseng turned to him with something scary behind his eyes. “That couldn’t be a sign of respect, could it?” He folded his hands together on the desk. “See, even though you did technically call me by my name last night and not just by some insult, the way you spoke to me for about a week now has been downright unacceptable and disrespectful.” Reno looked down at the floor. “So, do I want to spend the very limited free time I have with you now you’ve decided you don’t despise every atom of my being? No, I don’t think I do, Reno. I’m fine, thank you.” Reno winced.

 “I deserve that.”

 “You deserve a lot more than that, Reno.” Tseng turned back to his computer. “One single time I was willing to take because I could see the turmoil in your eyes. And if we’re being honest, you know I could have made it so you never got off that floor again. But last night in the car? If you hadn’t been so out of your mind with grief and alcohol I would have kicked you out on the side of the road.” He shook his head. “I’ve chosen not to tell Veld this because you have not been yourself and further punishment won’t resolve anything here. I’m pleased to see you here today and I am marking that as a step in the right direction. I hope in the future you remember that I am one of your bosses and I have considerable say in what happens to you in this department.”

The devil on Reno’s shoulder was extremely quiet. The angel just took it.

“Do you understand?”

 “Yes, sir.”

 “Good. Have a good night, Reno.” Tseng dismissed Reno in more ways than one. Reno walked to the door and pushed it open. He stopped but he dared not turn around.

 “I hope I didn’t ruin it.” Reno spoke to the empty space passed the door. He had no idea if Tseng was listening. “Us, I mean. See, Rude’s my best friend in the whole world and Cissnei is Cissnei. And the others – Emma’s so sweet, Legend is such a badass, and once you get past all the scary Veld is pretty damn cool. But you?” Reno sniffed. “My childhood role model tried to punch me at his brother’s memorial service and you know what I did? I did exactly what my real role model did to me; I pinned his ass to the wall.” Reno laughed to himself. “Cos I never knew what kind of criminal I wanted to be but I do know what type of Turk I want to be. The kind that steps up.”

Reno left Tseng’s office. He took a moment to compose himself and let any negative emotions wash away. The grief wasn’t going to completely go away in a hurry and boy did that twinge of loneliness just want to hang on after that conversation but it was not in a Turks habit of letting their emotions rule them. Life went on and Reno just had to learn to live with the consequence of his action.

Reno stopped by the desk to get his jacket and slip it on. He put his keycard and physical keys in his coat pocket and checked his trouser pocket for his phone. Satisfied he had everything, he started to make his way through the room.

 “Reno.” Tseng called. Reno turned around to see Tseng approaching him, pulling on his overcoat. “Let’s go get that dinner. I’ll pay.”

 “Yeah?” Reno half laughed as he spoke. Tseng raised his eyebrows and nodded. “But seriously, sir, I’m buying. I already said that.”

 “We’ll see.” He dismissed the statement with such vagueness. Such a damn good Turk. “One last thing.” Tseng held up a finger. Reno waited with an inquisitive expression. “Next time you try to grab me or hurt me I will break your wrist.” Reno laughed. He patted Tseng on the back.

 “I believe you! My right wrist still aches. I’m pretty sure it’s sprained.”

 “It’s definitely sprained.” Tseng replied so matter-of-factly. “You should really have it in wrapped up.” Reno laughed again.

 “I’d call you a name if I wasn’t fearful of my job.” Reno said. They began to make their way out of the office.

 “Yes, wouldn’t be the brightest idea you’ve ever had but then again when have you ever been the brightest?” Reno faked that he’d been shot, holding his hands to his heart.

 “Now you’re just taking advantage of the fact that I can’t fight back.”

 “Prepare yourself, you’ve got at least four days of this to come.”

 “Four days!?”

 “Care to make it five?”

 “Nah, four’s fine.”

 “Four’s fine, who?”

 “Four’s fine, sir.”

Tseng smirked. Reno scoffed. He shook his head and laughed.

Reno had without a doubt found his way back home.