Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Thursday's a weird day of the week. It's not at the beginning like Monday is, so it's not so relentlessly despised, but it isn't a Friday either, the one day where ecstatic chatters and mumbles from students about what 'exciting' weekend awaits them rapidly permeate the air like the deep-fried mystery shit provided every Tuesday at lunch in the cafeteria. 

Thursday is a nothing day, where nothing happens, and you can kind of say that it's a little underrated, a bit like the middle child that's always overlooked and mostly ignored – if not treated like a nuisance at times – and passed down clumpy, oversized renderings their older siblings grew out of while they obtained some shiny new thing they'll no longer use in a few years.

Alright, Taesan is projecting a bit, mostly because Taehyun, said dear older sibling, has a very special talent of getting bored pretty quickly and having the attention span of a cheetah on steroids, which then leaves Taesan with all the shit he sees no use for anymore. But not before he sucks all personality out of it, or at least damages it in some way, of course.

Okay, back to Thursday being underrated. Taesan just realized he doesn't like it very much regardless.

His entire pointless thought tangent is rudely interrupted when he feels a rather invasive poke at the back of his right shoulder, and as a result he nearly lets out a wince.

"Oh shit, sorry," is what Taesan overhears next, the subtly hoarse voice tinged with a bit of amusement as if his hurting was nothing but a joke to him.

Taesan makes a slight turn around, eyes narrowed and lips pulled into a frown that he hopes conveys just how unimpressed he is. "Not funny, Lee." 

Taesan's signature glare is enough to subject any random stranger to their knees, as he finds the icy yet indifferent squint and the pursed lips combo a particularly lethal one. But Lee Riwoo isn't just anyone. Taesan would call him someone who knows more about him than most. Riwoo would declare himself Taesan's best friend.

Riwoo's smile has grown even bolder now, a childish grin that softens the contours of his boyish face, making him appear more friendly. Taesan had joked once that he'd make a good enough high-fashion model, but Riwoo said he was clearly not well-versed in the fashion industry. But that didn't stop him from gloating about the comment for weeks.

"You're a strong, healthy, able-bodied eighteen year old," Riwoo starts, voice lowered since it's currently the start of fourth period math, and Miss Min really fucking hates it when students chat, laugh, or do anything that indicates an iota of happiness in general. "There's no way my little poke did something to you."

Taesan doesn't fail to pick up on the way Riwoo emphasizes the 'healthy' part. He knows he means well, and he's always been the more open and optimistic one out of the both of them, but hearing it sort of makes Taesan want to clam up and not listen to whatever he says next. 

Riwoo definitely picks up on Taesan's change in demeanor, despite how inconsequential it is. He's known Taesan for four years after all, with plenty of experience in dealing with the days he wished the most had never occurred. The days he wishes he didn't exist at all.

"I didn't mean it like that," Riwoo explains, his dark brown eyes glinting with brief alarm and an urge to accommodate, and it's something Taesan hates seeing even more on his face than on all those nurses in the past. "Like – "

"Nah, it's fine," Taesan utters in that nonchalant, frigid tone he reverts back to when he wants to change the topic and move on to something else. He kind of hates it, but it's become too much of a defense mechanism now. "Really."

"Dude, you know you can easily throw me around like it's nothing," Riwoo continues, because if there's one thing about him, it's that he's determined. "And I totally don't mean that in a kinky way, though I won't be too opposed if that were the case."

Leave it to Riwoo to totally make a sex joke out of the most unrelated scenarios. And of course for Taesan to freaking fall for it. 

"You're a fucking deviant," Taesan whispers, wrinkling his face in mock disgust.

Riwoo leans over the spare chair beside Taesan. The chair's like that because Taesan's not too keen on sharing a table even with best friends, and people tend to avoid someone who's never been seen grinning in public. It's Taesan, he's someone.

Riwoo attempts wiggling his blond brows. The color isn't common but somehow works with his entire look. "I know you love it."

Taesan chuckles, a curt, low sound that most of the general population wouldn't have heard in the first place. But turns out Min isn't a part of said population, unfortunately. 

Taesan is rarely surprised when she turns from the board she was hastily scribbling illegible math problems on, her gray strands of hair a frizzy mess around her reddened face. 

"Han! I'd like you to answer this question," she screeches, then points at the second question on the digital whiteboard. A little fancier than the boring ol' dry-erase ones, thank god for the Korean public school system. (Taesan is being sarcastic.)

Time spent at hospitals with ample free time to mull over the insignificance of your existence tends to do a number on you, so it isn't a shock that Taesan has developed something like an impenetrable wall that he'd like to say kinda gives him an edge over everyone else. As in, people often can't read him, or catch him off-guard. 

And Taesan thinks Min hates that more than she hates children loving life, because her scowl only increases at how unresponsive he is.

The classroom is silent. Some of his classmates aren't even bothering to hide their stares. Taesan obviously doesn't know whatever the fuck's on that board, but he'd be damned if he lets it show on his face.

He can hear Riwoo's quick movements behind him. He's clearly figuring out the answer since he's the cliche studious Asian student with how good he is at math.

Taesan wants to tell him not to bother finding the answer 'cause he doesn't want to burden him further. That he'd just bullshit his way through this like every other thing in his life. 

But before Taesan can say something that'll probably make Min even redder and land him straight into detention, the door bursts open.

'Bursts' is an understatement, because Taesan swears the door comes close to falling off its hinges with how swiftly it was slammed open, the chilly autumn wind whooshing in with what seems to be some guy with long, caramel brown hair.

The guy pauses, then straightens up, closing the door. It's then Taesan notices how tall he is, probably around Taesan's height too as he's above average. 

"Morning. You must be Miss Min," he greets, and though there isn't anything special about his voice, there's something about the way he ends his words that's a bit similar to how you'd sound waking up first thing in the morning. Taesan finds it a bit pretentious.

The previous heavy silence that filled the class has now been replaced with enthusiastic chatter, because as Taesan said (or thought) earlier, nothing ever really happens on Thursdays. Especially not new students that look so bubbly, bright and… saturated.

His skin's got a soft tan and his smile is boyish and sort of coy, like he's in on something everyone else isn't. He's what Taesan imagines staring directly into the sun would be like – well, that is, before it blinds and burns you alive. And Taesan's never been particularly fond of hot, sunny days. 

"Ah," Miss Min grins – grins – then gestures around the whole classroom as if there's something grand to see there instead of what it really is: an overcrowded pit of rowdy students that mostly couldn't care less about everything pertaining to school. "I was told you'd be arriving today. You must be Kim Donghyun. Welcome to Hawon High."

"Kim Leehan. And thank you," Kim 'Leehan' corrects her, and that answer alone would have left someone like Taesan with a detention slip or a quick trip to the principal's office. But judging by Min's entire transformed demeanor, not to mention the array of eyes that are currently glued to this guy's form, Taesan's pretty sure he's gotten them all charmed. 

"He looks like the male lead of a teen romance drama," is what Riwoo feels the need to comment right at that second, making sure to blow air into Taesan's ear for good measure because he's a little shit like that.

"Fuck off," Taesan mutters, but they both know he's not even the slightest bit mad. This is something that'll usually gain a reaction out of Taesan, but it seems Golden Boy over there's distracted him enough to keep his mind off of it. 

Riwoo laughs, the sound becoming muffled the second Min's narrowed, conniving eyes meet Taesan across the classroom.

Before Taesan can even think about what it means she's already pointing his way. "You can sit by Han Dongmin over there."

Anyone who knows Taesan and calls him Dongmin instead of Taesan is willing – and wanting – to get a rise out of him, and Miss Min is exactly that type of person. But he knows better than to let her get under his skin. And she doesn't, either. He doesn't allow people to. 

He sinks further into his chair, crossing his arms. "I don't know if you knew, but the seat next to me is occupied at the moment." Also he's not the only person without a seat partner, but he chose not to add that just to irritate Min further.

She turns so red she becomes purple. Beside her is Kim Leehan, something like interest on his face. But Taesan doesn't focus on him long enough to tell. "Well, good thing that I'm the teacher and not you. So please, Leehan, go take a seat."

The annoying chatter increases as Leehan makes his way over to where Taesan's at, his gait so easygoing that Taesan can't help but be irked by it, for some reason. 

A strand of hair falls over his deep brown eyes when he sits, and Taesan catches a whiff of his fragrant cologne. Immediately he's pounced on by Kwon Chayoung and her posse at the side, her eyes twinkling brightly as if she just found a million won. And honestly, considering nothing new and interesting happens much around here, she might as well have. 

"What school did you go to before?" she attacks, pretending Taesan doesn't exist as she often does. "We don't get new students a lot. Especially ones so hot."

Taesan mentally cringes in his seat, for once wishing Miss Min would unleash her detention slips for disrupting the class. But it seems a new guy makes for new rules. 

"Woosang Prep," is Leehan's reply, a bit short and flippant, but it's something no one picks up on.

A few gasps fill the room, reminiscent of the overdramatic makjangs Taesan's little sister loves watching to pass the time.

"Oh shit!" One of Chayoung's minions, Song Heesun exclaims over her shoulder. She twirls some of her dark hair, grinning widely at Leehan. "That's like, where those rich ass people send their kids!"

"Language!" Miss Min hollers, but at this point Taesan wonders why she's even bothering to try when she's already lost control of her class.

Taesan zones out all of the questions and attempts at getting to know the guy next to him better, wishing lunch break would just arrive already. 

He zones out so much, in fact, that his heart nearly falls out of his ass when a face suddenly appears in his line of sight, erasing his train of thought. Taesan blinks, hoping he doesn't look as startled as he feels.

"Hey," Leehan starts, charming dimples digging into his cheeks when he smiles at Taesan. "So… Han Dongmin, right?"

"Taesan," Taesan quickly corrects.

"Oof, my bad," is his reply, though he doesn't sound that sorry. Taesan is already tired of him. 

"Dongmin is a no-go," Riwoo chooses to pitch in right then, leaning over so the guy can hear him better. Taesan can't believe his closest friend's fallen under his spell. But then again, Riwoo has always been much friendlier than him. "Should probably note that as a safety precaution for next time."

"You're treading on thin ice, Lee," Taesan warns, making it clear on his face that he's not amused.

Riwoo, ever so classy, just sticks out his tongue at Taesan, while Leehan looks far too amused for Taesan's liking. 

"Duly noted." He brings out his books, a sticker on one of them catching in the light. It looks like a…bandaid. Taesan doesn't realize he's staring until a set of honeyed brown eyes lock with his, questioning in them.

Taesan can either 1) pretend nothing ever happened, or 2) feign interest in why he has that sort of sticker on his notebook. But Taesan is definitely not interested, so he figures not saying a thing would make Leehan get the hint.

But before that happens Leehan tilts the book his way, letting more of the details show. A deep maroon bandaid sticker greets Taesan, its cartoonish appearance contrasting the dark cover of his book.

"Baby brother's into all sorts of stickers. Lots of weird ones included," Leehan whispers as if Taesan had asked, as if he's sharing some top secret. 

"Hmm," Taesan hums, not knowing what else to say. Of course, this ignites the attention of Miss Min yet again. Taesan would say she has it out for him, but he's no stranger to the fact that he's not a lot of people's cup of tea.

"Something interesting you'd like to share?" she questions. Taesan is contemplating just ignoring her completely when Leehan all of a sudden perks up, showcasing that same effortless dimpled grin that never stays hidden for long.

"Taesan was just updating me on the coursework, miss," he says, tone polite. 

Taesan's pretty sure it's no secret he fucking sucks at math, but with Min's newfound adoration or whatever for Leehan, he's positive he'd get off scot-free.

"That's uh…very nice, Leehan." Bingo.

+ 

Luckily for Taesan, Leehan never manages to get much more out of him under the watchful glare of Min, and because the other students are still teeming with questions. By the time lunch rolls over, Taesan is already out of the class with Riwoo in tow, the guy gushing on about the supposed 'love of his life' he met on one of the many video games he plays. 

It maybe would've been romantic, just maybe, if Taesan hadn't already heard about it a trillion times this week alone. 

Still, talking with Riwoo's as easy and comfortable as ever, mostly because with him Taesan doesn't have to do most of the talking or force himself to socialize. Riwoo has enough topics to go through to keep the both of them adequately entertained.

"Why would you have a rat for a pet?" Riwoo's currently asking the only other person at their lunch table, Park Sungho, gasping like a fish out of water for good measure. It almost gives Taesan second-hand embarrassment, but being friends with someone like Riwoo automatically makes you immune to scenarios like these. "It's fucking barbaric."

"Rats are very cute, thank you very much," Sungho retorts, his deep brown eyes wide with indignation as he takes a giant bite of his salad. Taesan commends his courage. The only things he trusts out of the lunch menu are the fruits and yogurts, and just barely. "I find your hatred of them very unjust and unwarranted."

Riwoo looks at Sungho like he's grown another head. "They stink when they die and reek of disease."

"You take that back!" Sungho yells, slapping his wrist like a disappointed mother. Riwoo steals his yogurt which infuriates him further. His eyes flit over to Taesan.

"No." Taesan looks away. 

"Taesannie, please do something. Your friend's going rabid again."

Riwoo gasps in horror, palm slammed over his chest. "How dare you call me rabid."

"You sure act like it – "

"You're so fucking mean for no reason – "

"You said my pet rat reeks of disease – "

"Which is something that is an indisputable fact, of course."

This is nothing new – they argue over everything it seems, and as a result Taesan scans the countless bodies in the cafeteria, not realizing what he's doing until his eyes fall upon a certain head of light brown hair. 

And it's strange, because Leehan isn't the only brunette at the table he's now situated at, yet Taesan's gaze automatically locked in on him. He blames the fact that he's new, something different in the sea of familiar faces. 

It doesn't shock Taesan to see Leehan has quickly gotten himself acquainted with a couple guys on the football team. In fact it's so expected that Taesan has to scoff at it a little. The sight of him with them also relieves Taesan, because now that Leehan's found the group he so clearly belongs with, there's no way in hell he'll try to strike up a conversation with Taesan again for the rest of the school year. 

Chapter Text

Taesan steps into the house later that afternoon feeling a little tired, a faint twinge of nausea clambering up his chest and into his throat. His mood immediately darkens, because this means one thing and one thing alone. 

The nausea deepens when he hears a joyful yelp from the living room, the TV blaring all sorts of sounds and voices that grate into his eardrums.

"Taesannie!" Mina, Taesan's little sister yells from the sofa. It's usually endearing, but at the moment Taesan can't deal with it. "How was school? Any new things? Any cute bo – "

Taesan's warning glare shuts her up, as that very second Riwoo peeps above his shoulder, brightly smiling at Mina.

"Any cute what?" he questions, but Mina just huffs and pouts, her long ponytail swishing as she looks away. 

"No one," she utters, grabbing the TV remote.

"Oh my god." Riwoo gasps. "Are you talking about me?"

"You're so annoying."

Riwoo clutches his chest, looking almost sincerely offended. "You hurt me. Who knew twelve year old girls could be so mean? Tae, did you teach her this?" He looks at Taesan, probably noticing how unresponsive he's become, and falters at the sight of his face.

In an instant, he's tugging Taesan up the stairs to his room. Mina jumps to her feet, expression sullen with worry.

"Is Taesan okay?"

Taesan wants to answer that he will be, but he can't force himself to speak. Not when the house lights are suddenly too bright, not when he just wants nothing more than to disappear this very second.

Riwoo, like always, soon picks up on that. He smiles reassuringly at Taesan's sister. "Taesan's just a little tired. So he's going to rest. Don't worry, I'll come join you in your drama watching shenanigans in a sec."

"They're makjangs."

"Yeah but I'll introduce you to the youth drama variety. Just as interesting and definitely more family-friendly."

With Mina being placated out of freaking out over Taesan and calling their mother as a last resort, he and Riwoo are finally able to enter his room. Thankfully, Taesan made sure the light was off this time around, and drops his bag as he leans against the door, while Riwoo busies himself with shutting the curtains and switching on the fan. 

He then pulls open the drawer containing some medication, and hands Taesan some tylenol. "I'll go bring you some water."

"Thanks, Woo," Taesan mutters. Smiling outright would be too tasking so he just hopes Riwoo sees how grateful he is.

Riwoo isn't that tall, with how he just about reaches where Taesan's ears are, but being under his care makes Taesan feel much smaller than he is. 

"It's no problem, Tae," he replies, patting over Taesan's shoulder the way Taehyun used to when they were kids. "And I'll make sure Mina keeps the noise down."

Taesan nods, and after he downs the pills with water he sinks into his bed and falls asleep soon enough.

+

Taesan's eyes flutter open to nothing but darkness, and he fumbles for the phone, squinting when the bright screen irritates his eyeballs. 

It's five after six, and despite how stiff his joints feel and how the headache has subsided into a dull throb that sears half of his head hotly, Taesan pulls himself to his feet. He'd rather leave his room on his own will than get interrupted in his sleep when someone else inevitably decides to check up on him. Plus, his throat's parched as fuck, and there's a hollowness in his stomach that tells him it's best he eats something now.

There are voices in the living room that get louder the more steps Taesan takes. Currently placing a plate of food on the dining table is Kim Jihye AKA his mother, her usually monotone expression wavering a bit when she catches sight of his disheveled appearance. 

"You're finally awake," Riwoo announces from the kitchen, his presence not surprising in the slightest considering he stays over every chance he gets. "Welcome back, dude."

Mina pulls out a chair for Taesan which he gladly accepts, and he hopes the smile he gives her isn't more of a grimace. Taesan can still feel his mother's stare, which automatically makes him bristle a bit.

"You got another migraine?" she asks, and Taesan thinks she wants to sound a lot warmer, more caring. Instead he feels like he's being interrogated for a crime he didn't commit.

Taesan digs apathetically at his serving of kimchi fried rice. "This afternoon."

"You took the inderal this morning, right?"

"Yep," Taesan nods, already tired of this entire conversation. He figures just like his mother's tone at times makes him want to shut off from her completely, his tone stops all of her attempts at being friendly with him. 

The woman exhales deeply, looking like some exasperated teacher. Even in her home clothes she still has that distinct air of coldness that Taesan knows comes from having accounting as a day job. 

It's typical for a kid to want to look like the less worse parent, and for the most part he does, his pale skin and darker hair mirroring hers. But his facial features distinctly take after the man his mom grew to detest so fervidly. It's something Taesan's aware she dislikes about him, but he can't really blame her when he feels the same. 

The atmosphere lightens when Riwoo soon attaches himself to Taesan's side and jokes around with Mina, letting him feel normal for a while. 

It's not enough, but Taesan's used to being content with too little, anyway. 

+

The following day doesn't gift Taesan another headache, fortunately, but that doesn't mean he doesn't want to claw his ears out at the explosion of noise coming from first period gym class.

"I swear, sports first thing in the morning should be illegal," Riwoo rants as he runs up to Taesan and Sungho who are situated on the bleachers. Or more accurately: hobbles his way over.  

Sungho throws Riwoo a bottle of water, which he nearly catches with his face instead of his hands. "It's just a few hundred meters of racing. Toughen up."

"Excuse me?" Riwoo rushes to defend himself, pushing back his ruffled mess of locks away from his sweaty face. "Running that long under the hot sun should be a fucking torture method. In fact, it probably was back in the old days."

Sungho rolls his eyes, his kohl eyeliner making his round eyes even rounder. It's a mystery how they've never accidentally stained his face until now. "You're so dramatic."

"I'd like to see you do better than I did."

"Wanna bet? Ten thousand won if I finish faster than you."

"Five. I'm not a freaking money tree."

Their conversation becomes background noise when Taesan meets Coach Kang's eyes, the man ushering him over before he can even blink.

"You're one of the students running next," he tells Taesan, but there's something else in his eyes he's not saying. Something Taesan definitely won't like.

"Think you can outrun your freshman year score?" The man adds, and Taesan wishes he dissolved right then and there. "You were much faster than some seniors on the track and field team, even."

"I'm not as good as before," Taesan replies, hoping his face alone tells Coach Kang to drop the subject. 

"Well that's the thing with track and field, eh? You can always bounce back with a bit of training and determination. You're still young – "

"I'd like for you to drop it," Taesan interrupts, head hot and skin flushed. His chest feels tight, and it worsens at the silence that follows.

Coach Kang's lips part, about to say something when someone new steps in, their presence drawing Taesan out of his racing thoughts. 

The soft, long hair is unmistakable. It's Kim Leehan, arms crossed over his chest and brown eyes bordering on irritation. For what, Taesan has no idea.

He's dressed in the typical gym class wear: a gray tee and dark shorts, but while they hang loose and dull on most of the other students, he manages not to look like a total slob in them.

"Coach?" he begins, not looking Taesan's way at all. "Was wondering if I'd get a chance to, y'know, participate in class."

The older man quickly straightens. "Oh – yes! Of course." He blows on his whistle, alerting several onlookers while Taesan's ears ring at the whistle's intensity. "I'm calling out the next batch of students so listen up! Remember you are being timed and graded on this."

He continues on with his monologue, his talk with Taesan forgotten for the most part. He's fucking relieved.

"Hey," Leehan suddenly calls out to him, and Taesan almost wishes he'd continued pretending like he didn't exist like he had earlier. "You good?"

"Don't see how that's any of your business," Taesan utters, tone harsher than he intended. But then again, why should he care?

Any normal person would recoil at the bite of his words, but Leehan doesn't even look that bothered as he uncrosses his arms.

"Dunno. You seemed pretty shaken up with Coach earlier."

Any guilt Taesan could've felt for lashing out at Leehan evaporates. "I don't appreciate being stared at, just so you know."

Leehan raises both hands in defense. Taesan hates how he notices the way his shirt clings to his torso. "Alright, I admit it: guilty as charged. But I was concerned about you."

Concerned? It takes Taesan aback, something tugging at his chest. But the feeling doesn't last for long. "I don't think I asked for your concern."

"I don't think most people ask for concern in the first place," Leehan replies, head tilted as if he's enjoying this. 

Taesan doesn't even know why he's still wasting his breath on this guy when everything he says and does just pisses him off to no end. 

His jaw clenches, and he forces himself to remain composed while Leehan's eyes peer into his without rest. "This conversation is over."

"Oh yeah?" Leehan grins, those dimples appearing again.

Taesan chooses not to exert more energy on him than needed, and jogs over to the rest of the students readying themselves to run. 

+

The locker room is a condensed cesspit of nauseating Axe body spray, b.o, and crude, disgusting talk of the female anatomy. As soon as Taesan is done showering and fully changed he's usually one of the first to get the hell out of there.

But something stops him this time. A missed call notification from none other than Taehyun. Clearly the fact that he's calling Taesan during school hours makes him one not too well-versed on the concept of time zones. Or, more accurately, he just doesn't care.

Eitherway, the sight of it makes Taesan stop in his tracks, because… what could he really want to talk to him about? In fact Taesan won't be surprised if he dialed his number on accident, or if this was a momentary lapse in judgment because he got drunk again. Who the hell knows? Taesan doesn't think he'll attempt calling him back, especially not in this bottomless dungeon of testosterone.

And when Taesan is all up in his thoughts like right now, he gets this bad habit of staring into space. When he's lucky, he's actually staring into space. However, when he's not…

"See something you like?"

The voice is sudden and snappy enough to drag Taesan back to reality, and when he does he meets the eyes of some brunette guy with a shirt draped over his bare, freckled shoulder. Taesan doesn't know his name, and doesn't care either. His gaze is scalding, as if he can't believe someone like Taesan is looking at him.

"You were perving on me, weren't you?" Freckles spits, his smile looking more like a wild dog baring his teeth. The three other guys beside him laugh, soulless huffs that signify they've got no backbone of their own.

Taesan doesn't give Freckles the satisfaction of a reply, stuffing the rest of his things into his bag as quickly as he can. But, as he's come to realize, people can't stand it when they're given the cold shoulder, especially ones that so obviously think the world revolves around them. 

"It's insane how I can't even fucking change without some freak eyeing me up – "

"Can you keep it down?"

Taesan doesn't have to look up to know who that voice belongs to.

"What was that, Kim?" Freckles snarls.

"I don't need to repeat myself, Jihoon," Leehan answers, not backing down. "We're all just trying to change and get to class as quickly as we can, and we don't need you making things harder than they need to be. So get out if you're finished."

Taesan doesn't hear a comeback, because he's sure Leehan relayed what everyone else was thinking.

Another time Taesan would've been almost impressed by how ballsy Leehan's proven himself to be on his second day at this school, no less. But all Taesan's focused on is getting the hell out of there, and that's exactly what he does. 

+

Riwoo has AP chemistry next period, so Taesan's alone in the library, sifting painstakingly through the book he has to write some report on for literature. He's reminded of how much he hates reading, especially when he's on a deadline.

It's quiet where Taesan is, most of the students around pooled in one area. And he likes it that way, because when he's alone he feels less inclined to act a certain way or force himself into a box that doesn't even fit him. 

He flips another page, having to reread a sentence since his mind is too busy mulling over the missed call from Taehyun. One of the things he particularly dislikes about himself is his ability to overthink to no end until he can no longer function like a normal human being.

Taesan doesn't want to call Taehyun, but he just knows the thought of his brother would weigh heavily on his sanity. Even on the other side of the world, Taehyun still finds a way to ruin his day.

Taesan hears the abrupt thud of something in front of him before he takes notice of a bag, someone familiar soon sliding into the free seat beside it.

"I don't appreciate being stalked," Taesan utters, contemplating if he should just up and leave. But his lazy side wins over, though he'd rather not deal with this right now. 

Leehan leans into his chair, like he wants to show he has no intention of leaving. "I'm not stalking you." He says nothing else to justify his actions, which tells Taesan he believes he's in the right. 

Fine. If he wants to be stubborn, two can play that game. Taesan makes a move of opening his book a little wider, making sure an eyeful of incomprehensible letters is all he can now see, not the long haired boy currently invading his alone time.

"Is that the book Mrs Oh told me to write a report on?"

Fuck.

"Can you scram?" Taesan pleads, his earlier pledge of silence long forgotten. "Go meet up with your football bros or whatever."

But Leehan has already taken out his own copy, acting as if he didn't hear what Taesan just said. "Since the report is due at the end of September, I was wondering if you'd help me catch up?"

The request is so unexpected Taesan can't help but drily laugh, finally meeting Leehan's round eyes. He's wearing a deep blue jacket over a white tee, and when he bites his lip Taesan is once again struck by how handsome he is.

Taesan lowly scoffs in response, which Leehan must've overheard because he then folds his arms over the table, the space between him swiftly shortened.

"What's so funny?" he asks, genuinely curious.

For a second Taesan doesn't know what to say, but then he realizes he doesn't owe Leehan an explanation.

"You're better off asking Jihoon for help," is what Taesan finally settles on. 

Leehan's jaw clenches, which takes Taesan aback. "That's… kinda why I searched for you, actually. You looked pretty bothered back there – which I totally understand."

"I wasn't bothered," Taesan tells him, but the way Leehan's expression doesn't change makes Taesan realize he doesn't believe him. And this is what bothers Taesan, as it reminds him of times in the past where he was treated like he knew nothing by the very people that were supposed to raise him. Seeing that very same look on someone who isn't even related to him makes his insides boil.

"Look," Taesan begins, his voice taking on this characteristic icy tone he learned drives people away in no time. After all, he learnt it from the best. "I don't know who the hell you are trying to tell me what I should be feeling. I've dealt with a lot of assholes exactly like the ones in the locker room and their words are nothing to me. Whatever savior complex you have is clearly something you need to work on, but I will not be a part of it, so fuck off."

Taesan's words clearly bother Leehan with the way his posture stiffens, brows furrowed. But still, he stays.

"You know you're kind of a dick, right?" he voices out, not sounding as angry as Taesan had expected him to be. 

"So I've been told a couple times, yes."

"Huh," Leehan clicks his tongue, then leans in. "Well I've been called a douche canoe many times. The first three were from my mom, in fact."

Taesan's mask of indifference cracks. "Seriously?"

"Yeah," Leehan says, taking his curiosity as some form of interest. "Granted the first two times were kind of a joke, but I think she meant the third one. I was… kind of self-obsessed back then."

"Like you aren't now?"

"Your assumptions wound me, Taesan."

The sound of his name coming from Leehan's lips trips Taesan up, which is something he immediately tells himself will never happen again. 

"You assumed I got affected by what that idiot in the locker room said about me." Taesan doesn't know why he's still engaging in conversation with Kim Leehan, but he doesn't care enough to dig any deeper for the reason.

"Then what did?"

"What?"

"What affected you if Jihoon didn't?"

Taesan's grip tightens on his book, and he keeps his expression guarded. "I don't see how that's any of your business." 

Leehan smiles, eyes crinkled in the slightest bit. "Well I have been told I can be quite nosy at times."

"You don't say."

"People usually find it charming."

"People find anyone with a nice enough smile charming."

"So you think I have a nice smile," Leehan says, and of course that is the one thing he chooses to focus on. 

"No." But Taesan already knows he won't believe him. 

"Wellll," Leehan drawls, resting his head above his folded arms. His brown eyes peer up at Taesan, and Taesan swears he can almost see his reflection in them. The necklace Leehan tucked into his shirt dangles, shimmering against his skin. "I think your smile's pretty nice too."

"You've never seen me smile."

An odd look crosses Leehan's face, but it's so quick Taesan figures he most likely imagined it. 

"I'm guessing it probably looks nice," Leehan eventually says.

Taesan slams his book shut and shoves it into his bag, not in the mood to chat further. Once again, this guy has unapologetically disrupted the usual flow of his day, all while being as stubborn as a boulder. 

"Where are you going?" Leehan asks just as Taesan gets up.

"I have this thing called class."

Taesan's snappy comeback goes unnoticed by Leehan, yet again. 

Instead he stands up as well and packs his things. "You have History with Mr Jung, right? So it makes sense for me to tag along." 

Taesan doesn't reply, because he's sure nothing he does will get Leehan off his back. For now Taesan will regard him as something like a bug that won't stop buzzing around his ears, and hopefully when he gets bored of this little game he's playing, Taesan will finally be freed. 

Chapter Text

It's chilly as fuck this morning, and because Riwoo texted Taesan excitedly last night talking about how they have to go to this awesome, spectacular, once in a lifetime pizza place today (his words, not Taesan's), Taesan can only hope the weather doesn't pull a one-eighty and subject him to a bulldozer of a migraine that'll render him practically useless for the rest of the day.

Dark brown eyes stare at him through the bathroom mirror, blank with a lingering fatigue that's almost always constant.

Taesan's black beanie does its job of keeping his dark hair mostly intact. Even though he's started preferring his hair on the shorter side, a few stray strands always manage to escape and in turn block his vision. He feels some hair tickling the base of his neck and realizes he'll need to get a haircut soon.

Clad in dark jeans, boots and a sweatshirt that's also black, Taesan looks more depressing than edgy. But he feels comfortable in them, so they'll do.

Not lingering on his face any longer than he needs to, Taesan steps into the corridor, the eerie silence encompassing the house typical for a late Saturday morning. Mom is at work, definitely, and Mina...

Taesan knocks on her door. "Mina?"

"...Come in."

Taesan does, having to pause at the mess of blankets and pillows sprawled across Mina's bed, all in cartoony, colorful designs. In the middle of it all is Mina herself, her face pale and her curls sprawled all around her.

"Are you okay?" Taesan asks, rushing towards her side. He feels her forehead then her neck, relieved when they're not hot.

"Mhm," she replies, voice soft. "I'm just having some pain."

Taesan's thoughts race in alarm. He knows it probably isn't something serious, but old habits die hard for him. "What kind of pain?"

Mina clears her throat, a sort of embarrassed look plastered on her small face. "Just some... tummy aches. Don't worry – I took a tylenol."

It takes a second for it to dawn on Taesan. "Are you on your period?"

Mina doesn't say anything, just nods.

"Did you tell Mom?"

"...She left before I could."

Taesan almost hadn't checked up on Mina, and if he hadn't she would've spent the whole morning by herself, trying to sleep off the pain since she doesn't like burdening others with her troubles.

"Do you want me to stay with you?" Taesan asks, because as much as this house suffocates him at times, he'd bear it a thousand times over if it meant it made Mina a lot more comfortable.

Mina shakes her head, sinking further underneath her blankets. "I know you wanna go out. ... But."

Taesan stops stroking her hair. "But what?"

"I'd maybe like a couple more pads."

Mina's admission gets a chuckle out of Taesan, which in turn makes her crack a smile as well. "Of course. Anything else you'll need?"

"Some gummy bears would be nice."

Taesan nods, still a bit hesitant to leave her behind. He's about to say something else when a horn blares through the tranquil quietness that previously surrounded them.

"Riwoo," Mina and Taesan say at the same time.

Like he heard them, another horn cuts through the air.

Taesan is soon out of the house, the wind cooling his cheeks as goosebumps prick up his arms.

"You," he musters, throwing himself into the passenger seat of Riwoo's old honda civic, "are a menace."

Riwoo grins, the beanie on his head matching Taesan's. Only his is green, as he actually likes colors. "Love you too, Taesan."

Taesan ignores that last bit, rolling up the window. "We're getting some stuff for Mina and bringing them to her, and then we'll go to that pizza place you're so crazy about."

"No, listen – " Riwoo begins, starting the car. "I've been hearing all sorts of great reviews from that place. Myungj04 even raved about it too. So like, it has to blow our minds."

Taesan rolls his eyes at the mention of Riwoo's video game lover, before pressing his head against his seat. He can feel Riwoo's gaze on his face. "What?"

"You're not getting a migraine, are you?"

"If I was, I wouldn't be here with you right now."

"A'ight. Fair enough."

+

The pizza place Riwoo drives them to is definitely populated, but not enough that it makes Taesan's head hurt.

He's not all that surprised to see Sungho at the table Riwoo leads them to, as well as two other faces Taesan has seen one or two times. Kim Sunoo and Kim Woonhak from the school's theater club are more Sungho's friends than Taesan's, but they're harmless enough that he can hang out with them and not want to get up and leave as soon as possible.

Riwoo's chatty self soon engages in a debate with all three of them about which pizza topping is the best. Taesan's not forced into it, which is fine by him as he's content to just sit back a majority of the time.

Despite differing opinions, it doesn't take long for everyone to choose their orders, deciding on evenly splitting the bill when they're done. Riwoo volunteers to order, dragging Taesan along by his sleeve before he can think up an argument.

At least there aren't many customers relaying their orders at the front. Taesan's eyes glaze over the restaurant's interior design, its warm colors and dark brown walls reminding him of flames at the fireplace during Christmas.

"Oh – " Riwoo's voice enters his head, sounding a little too surprised for his liking. "You work here?"

Taesan doesn't believe what he's seeing at first, but when the image of Kim Leehan in a pastel orange dress shirt and a cap over the counter doesn't let up, even after he blinks a couple times, he contemplates just turning around and walking away.

"Yep," Leehan replies, tone overly chipper. His brown eyes look even gentler under this light. "Welcome to Jia's Pizzaria. What can I get ya?"

But Riwoo is still battling with Leehan's unexpected presence. "I thought your parents were loaded."

Leehan's eyes meet Taesan's before settling on Riwoo once more. "Yeah, but I obviously like working, so." His tone is so sarcastic it stops Riwoo from asking any more questions.

As Riwoo dishes out their orders, Taesan realizes they'd all just assumed Leehan was rich just because he said he used to attend some uptight private school when he'd never actually confirmed it himself. Curiosity fills Taesan's insides like smoke.

"Hold on – " Riwoo is then saying, already taking two steps back. "Need to clarify if Woonhak actually wanted meat lovers or not."

This leaves Taesan alone with Leehan, the guy leaning on the counter in no time.

"So, we meet again," he starts. "Must be fate."

Taesan scoffs. "You wish."

Leehan smiles, but it doesn't reflect in his eyes.

Taesan has the tiny urge to ask if he's fine, but he easily pushes the thought aside.

"You good?" Leehan questions, startling him a bit. He looks mildly amused, but not in the I'm-secretly-laughing-at-you way. Just... intrigue. "You zoned out for a bit there."

His eyes so obviously staring holes into Taesan's face make him too self-conscious for his liking. The feeling is as odd as it is new.

"Why do you care?"

"Why can't I?"

Fortunately, Riwoo appears, and it's then Taesan heads for their table, unable to shake off the feeling that he's being watched.

+

Why do you care?

Why can't I?

Those last words Leehan said to Taesan lingered in his mind all through dinner, and before he knew it he was in his room, his phone's lit screen slicing through the darkness. He's calling Taehyun back, because even when he knows he'll most likely regret it, Leehan's words had reminded Taesan frankly about how he still cares somewhat about whatever Taehyun has to say, despite acting like he doesn't.

Taesan is about to hang up when the call goes through. There's silence, and then a recognizable low "Taesan?" fills the atmosphere.

"Taesan, hey – " Taehyun repeats, but this time it's accompanied by background voices. "Didn't expect you to call me at – at this time."

"You called me during school hours."

"What? I can't hear – Can't be loud in the library."

Taesan grits his teeth. "Then go somewhere you can hear me."

This Taehyun hears, and Taesan doesn't have to see his face to know he didn't like that. "Don't appreciate that tone, but alright. I'm in the bathroom now. Why'd you call me?"

"I wanted to know the same thing," Taesan replies, already exhausted by this conversation. Talking to Taehyun's like trying to reason with a brick wall, sometimes.

Taehyun doesn't immediately reply, which tells Taesan all that I need to know.

"You were drunk, weren't you?" Taesan accuses, because of course his brother wouldn't call him out of the blue just 'cause he cared how he was.

Taehyun huffs, which is a habit of his when he's been called out on his shit. "I wasn't drunk, Taesan. Why can't I call to see how you're doing?"

"Because you only develop a conscience when you're not sober."

Taehyun lets out another huff, this time more indignant. "Can't believe you're still mad that I left. You can't blame me for wanting to leave that stifling house the first chance I got."

Taesan's not mad that Taehyun left for New York, he's mad because he decided to shut him and Mina out on the way. But he knows admitting that won't change things, so he keeps his mouth shut.

"Don't tell Mom about this," is what Taehyun chooses to add, as the subject of his leaving is already done and dealt with. "She'd freak."

Taesan wasn't planning to, because talking about the preferred son that got out the second he could would probably send his mother into a downward spiral. "Whatever."

"I care a lot about you, Taesan. You know that, right?" But Taehyun's voice has grown quieter, more muffled, signifying he's already checked out of this conversation.

Taesan doesn't reply, but he doesn't need to because the call then cuts.

+

As if it's ready to accept Leehan into the world, the weather's better today, with minimal clouds in the blue sky despite how early it is. He'd previously been a night owl, preferring to sleep in and considering twelve in the afternoon the ideal start of the day. But now he's learnt to appreciate the serenity the early morning gives, the bright chirps of the small birds fluttering about the trees outside his only company for the moment.

Leehan doesn't take a lot of time to shower, something that's uncharacteristic of him since showers that last a while are usually a way for him to free his head and clear his thoughts when he has too much. The ten minutes Leehan spends under the faucet end too quickly, but he doesn't mourn it too much, knowing it's a necessary evil he has to bear for a bit.

Leehan is not a flashy dresser in the least, but he likes to coordinate what he wears. Today, however, he's a little more tired than normal, so he just pulls on the first gray hoodie and jeans he spots, hoping he won't look too sloppy for the rest of the day.

His hair's a mess as it always is when damp, so he spends a minute or so blow-drying it until it looks acceptable enough. He's not in the mood to style his hair in any special way today.

Observing how it lies over his face in his bedroom's large mirror, a certain head of dark, soft hair soon appears in Leehan's mind.

Leehan often wondered how someone with such nice features would want them hidden away, but if there's something Taesan's good at, it's subverting expectations and keeping Leehan on his toes. They're not buddies or even acquaintances, but Leehan still wants to know more about him.

As a person, Leehan thinks as he heads out of his nearly bare room. It's just an innocent kind of interest.

He's chewing some sliced apples while making scrambled eggs and toast when he hears quiet footsteps behind him. He always picks up on all sorts of sounds, no matter how faint they are. It's something he had to learn the hard way.

"I smell something nice."

Leehan lowers the heat under the sizzling eggs and turns, meeting an identical set of brown eyes across the dining table. Sangmi. Her presence surprises Leehan a bit. "Grandma, you're um, up early. I'll fry some more eggs – "

"No, no," Sangmi shakes her head, still donned in her nightwear. Looking at her is like looking at Sangwook, just that instead of stern frowns and disappointed glares, she actually likes having Leehan around. "It's alright, Leehan." And there aren't any traces of spite when she says the name Leehan prefers.

"Just wanted to see how you're doing," she adds with a placating sort of smile, like she doesn't want Leehan to be upset. "Don't want what happened on Sunday to happen again."

Leehan makes sure his expression is leveled, a task that never comes easily for him. But he doesn't want to worry Sangmi. "I'm fine now. Really."

"Alright," Sangmi sighs, still seeming apprehensive. "Don't forget to also take those pills, okay?"

"Yes, I will," Leehan replies, switching off the stove while he keeps his emotions intact. "I never forget."

"I'm glad to hear that, dear," she says. She's always been the most soft-spoken one out of the family, but she's super protective of the ones she loves. "Have a good day at school."

Breathing only gets easier when Leehan's alone in the living room once more.

+

Leehan makes it to Mr Jung's history class in one piece, but not before he gets a couple 'where were you, man's' and even an 'I thought you died' in the hallways, some from people he's never even seen or talked to in his life. It makes Leehan realize he's probably more popular than he thought. Being tall and decently good-looking has its privileges, he figures.

As he enters the classroom, Leehan instinctively searches for Taesan, not knowing the real reason why and not bothering to, anyway. Some part of him is satisfied at seeing the guy seated towards the back, dressed in a smokey gray sweater and a matching beanie. His friend (Jiwoong? No, Riwoo) is talking to him about something. The difference in their energy levels is almost funny. Taesan is as still as a rock while Riwoo's all over the place like some energetic bunny.

Leehan's not aware he's staring until Taesan looks directly at him, which sends his head spinning. Leehan's bad at acting unbothered, so he's pretty sure Taesan can totally see the kind of effect he has on him. It doesn't help that his dark eyes are the kind of intense that can make someone forget their own name.

Someone yells Leehan's name from the left, their recognizable voice snapping him out of his trance. Lee Minju, with her wide smile, piercings and bubblegum pink hair, is as familiar as she is comforting. Seeing her almost makes Leehan forget about whatever the fuck was up with him back there.

"What happened? You were absent for two days," Minju says as soon as Leehan sits, but her tone is harmless enough that he feels inclined to reply with a more honest answer than he gave everyone else.

"Wasn't feeling too well," Leehan replies, ignoring every urge to turn around to see what Taesan is doing. It gets even harder when he feels like Taesan's looking right at him. "Sorry I wasn't able to show up yesterday."

"S'okay," Minju replies, scribbling down something into a notebook with one of her many colorful pens. "Everyone has off-days, and we're very lenient. And if someone got bothered, it won't really matter 'cause I'm the vice president, so."

Leehan laughs at this, his chest a little lighter.

Mr Jung soon starts his class, droning on and on about war and treaties that Leehan doesn't pay much mind to, knowing he's good at memorizing and writing anyway. He can only hope today goes by without many problems.

+

Leehan's by the lockers with two of the guys he sat with at lunch, both too involved in their talk about girls and booze and some party being held this Saturday to notice he stopped listening, and caring, a while ago.

Spotting Taesan twisting in his locker combination sparks something alive in him, and not to mention gives him a good enough excuse to exit this conversation.

"Sorry, boys," Leehan starts, feeling the exact opposite. "Got someone I need to see."

The one called Junmin stares over Leehan's shoulders, his bushy brows knotted in barely-hidden contempt. "Don't tell me it's that Han Taesan dude."

Leehan's smile hides his anger – or at least he hopes it does. "Talk to you guys later."

Before any of them can say anything, Leehan's making his way over to where Taesan stands, currently searching his locker for something.

He quickly notices Leehan but doesn't react much, which is... kind of disappointing, not gonna lie.

"Hi," Leehan greets him, leaning against a locker. "Missed me?"

Leehan's not usually so playful, so being like this especially on a day when he's not feeling the best is very new to him.

Taesan meets his gaze, unimpressed. Leehan can't help but take in his features up close. From the hair peeking out of his beanie, and the elegant curve of his jawline, to those lashes of his any girl would be jealous of.

"The fuck are you looking at?"

Leehan blinks, then chuckles awkwardly to regain his composure. He juts his chin at Taesan's sweater. "We have similar outfits."

"Guess I now have something new to burn," Taesan answers. Although his words are harsh, the more Leehan interacts with him the less intimidating he seems.

"Sounds fun. Count me in."

"What do you want?" Taesan demands, and if Leehan's being honest, he's not sure what exactly it is he wants. Taesan just has this sort of pull to him, and Leehan wants to know more about him.

"We should hang out after school. There's this park I go to sometimes." Leehan doesn't know what possesses him to utter those words, but it's too late to back down now. Then he adds, "If you're curious about why I missed classes."

Taesan looks at him like he can't believe his ears, and it would've been funny if Leehan wasn't so nervous over what his reply would be.

He decides to leave it up in the air and takes a step back, throwing Taesan a salute.

"I'll be in the library for a while," Leehan says just as the shrill sound of the bell drowns the hallway. "Show up if you wanna hang out, or whatever. No pressure."

With that, he turns on his heel and walks away.

Leehan can only hope Taesan takes him up on his offer.

Chapter Text

Taesan must be insane. Wholly, undeniably, irrecoverably insane. 

Why else would he find himself at the bottom of the stairs leading to the school library, knowing fully well what his actions would be perceived as? 

He almost wants to blame Riwoo for having physics so late on Wednesdays, but he knows this is his doing.

Taesan can't even tolerate Leehan more than half the time, the guy always finding ways to push his buttons when he's only known him for like, one fucking week.

But here he is, lingering by the stairs like some love-sick idiot. Taesan's not usually one to do things just because someone tells him to (he despises it, even) but he's still here, feet stuck to the floor.

Just go home, Taesan's mind reiterates, but it's then he remembers he hates spending afternoons alone in the house. 

"What the hell am I doing?" Taesan mumbles under his breath, because really – what the hell is he doing?

Taesan makes a move to walk away, but like Leehan had read his mind, he appears at the top of the stairs, hood pulled over his head and hands in his pockets. His outfit would've looked sloppy on anyone else, but on Leehan it just looks cozy.

Judging by the way his round eyes widened a little, Leehan didn't expect to see Taesan here either.

He makes his way down the stairs, fiddling with the strap of his bag. "Thought you'd gone home."

Taesan picks up on the slightly elated tone of his voice, and he's about to say something snarky when the look on Leehan's face stops him. His brown eyes aren't as bright, his face lacking that usual spark. Taesan tells himself he doesn't care, but he decides to keep all his snide comments to himself for now.

"Um," Leehan adds, noticing Taesan's atypical silence. "Let's go?"

Taesan just nods, following him into the student parking lot and towards a deep red toyota corolla. There, Leehan fumbles for his keys, his fingers sort of jittery.

Taesan exhales a breath. "Are you nervous?" Because he knows he tends to have that effect on people.

"What – No," Leehan denies, raking a hand through his hair. He opens up the car door for Taesan. "Just feeling a little tired."

Taesan wonders why he bothered with this whole thing if he doesn't feel fine in the first place. "Then you should just go home and rest."

"Are you caring about me right now?" Leehan questions with a tilt of his head, ever so smug. Taesan feels like smacking that look right off his face.

"Don't want to be accused of murder if you die on me," is Taesan’s reply. 

Fortunately, this wipes the smug look off Leehan's face. Unfortunately, another one just takes its place.

"Don't worry. There won't be any crimes committed today, so you're safe." He gestures into his car. "So just get in. Please."

Taesan knows he should be paying more attention to how weirdly fixated Leehan seems to be on him, but he also knows he's just using this whole thing as an excuse to get away from his thoughts. They aren't even friends, and Taesan doesn't think they ever would be.

Taesan enters the passenger seat, brain immediately preparing something sarcastic to say because that's how he maintains control over situations or feelings he's not familiar with. "Hopefully this doesn't turn into a hostage incident."

Leehan leans over the window frame, streaks of his brown hair falling into his eyes. They look even warmer than usual. "Don't be silly. Why would I do that here?"

Okay – that gets Taesan. A scoff that sounds more like a chuckle escapes him, which is definitely a mistake because Leehan is right there , and he fucking heard him. 

Leehan smirks. "Was that a laugh I just heard, Han?"

Taesan's heard his surname countless times from others, mostly saddled with displeasure. But hell, if the way Leehan says it doesn't ambush Taesan's chest with a strange, queasy feeling...

"Fuck off, Leehan."

"But I'm the one who's driving – "

Taesan's glare shuts Leehan up, and then he's jogging to the driver's seat, shutting the door behind him and thus the outside noise. They're close enough for Taesan to smell his recognizable cologne, close enough that their arms brush as he fastens his seatbelt.

Leehan smiles when he meets Taesan's eyes, then starts the car. "Well, to the ABCDLOVE park we go."

Taesan just looks away as it starts to dawn on him that he's really alone inside a car with Kim Leehan, and he's taking him somewhere just to 'hang out'. This has some ulterior motive written all over it – a possible dare given to him by the knuckleheads he sits with at lunch. 

Taesan just knows he won't let his guard down, because people like Leehan will always get bored when the chase no longer thrills them. 

+

The park Leehan drives them to is one Taesan has been to before, which throws the possibility of him getting kidnapped out of the window. It's a vast space of green that's situated near some elementary school that hasn't closed yet.

Now, there are leaves splattered all across the shrubbery, a rainbow of orange, some dancing along with the afternoon breeze. The scenery looks straight out of a fairytale.

Leehan positions himself on a swing, his brown hair even more vibrant under the gradually setting sun. He watches Taesan, then looks at the swing next to him. "Aren't you gonna sit?"

"Those things look old as fuck," Taesan replies, but he still sits on it anyway, because it'd be awkward if he didn't.

Leehan swings himself a little, the faint pink on his cheeks stark against his skin. He points at the elementary school. "That's where my little brother Joohyuk goes. I pick him up whenever my dad isn't available."

Taesan follows his line of sight to the school half hidden by all the tall pine trees. "Oh."

"You don't care, do you?" Leehan asks, but he's humored rather than disappointed.

"No. Kids are alright."

Leehan stares at Taesan like he's trying to gauge whether he's telling the truth or not. "Really?"

"Really. I don't mind them, actually," Taesan responds, the wind cooling his face. Each inhale feels like ice in his chest, but it's somewhat comforting. Right here, under the peachy sky and surrounded by autumn leaves, his grim thoughts don't have as much of a hold on him as they do everywhere else.

"Well, that's nice," Leehan says. He looks ecstatic, even. He lazily swings, and for a moment there's silence, the two of them lost in their thoughts.

But soon Leehan breaks it. "You know how sleep paralysis works, right?"

"I'm aware of what it does, yes."

"Well, I don't need to sleep to get something similar to that," Leehan continues to explain. "I kind of like, get stuck."

"Like muscle cramps?" Taesan asks, a bit surprised Leehan's revealing this to him.

Leehan nods, playing around with a reddish-brown leaf. "They don't happen often, but when they do, it's bad. That's why I missed school."

Why are you telling me this? Taesan wants to ask, but he knows how much it fucking sucks to expose something personal about yourself only to be shunned or treated like a joke.

Leehan laughs, quite casually considering what he's just shared. "Didn't expect that, did you?" 

"No, I didn't." Taesan tries to swing a bit too, but his long legs don't really help. "But I'm not so much of a dick that I'm gonna make fun of you for it, or whatever. I have problems of my own too."

The curiosity on Leehan's face is clear as day. "Care to share?"

"I'd rather not."

Leehan nods, though he deflates a little. "Fair enough."

There's another sequence of silence that lasts for a minute – until Taesan's dramatic stomach decides to make its hunger known.

Brief embarrassment engulfs him, especially after seeing Leehan attempting to stifle his laughter. 

"Come on," he tells Taesan after leaping off his swing. He stretches out a hand. "Let's go get something to eat. Burgers sound good?"

Taesan swats Leehan's hand away as he stands up, ignoring the heat that spirals up his arm at the contact. "You're paying."

Leehan bites his lip to contain his grin. "Fine by me."

In the end they do get those burgers, and for the rest of that afternoon, Leehan doesn't seem as intolerable as before. 

+

riwooo
dude i just forgot smth

tae
what

riwooo
i had physics earlier this afternoon and u usually wait for me to finish
but today u didnt

riwooo
where'd u go

tae
home

riwooo
now thats a lie
u hung out with somene that wasnt me, right

tae
*someone

riwooo
stop trying to change the topic
come on taesan, tell me
i wont judge

tae
leehan

riwooo
what?

tae
it was leehan

riwooo
woah
ok
why?

tae
i'm not so sure myself

riwooo
well this looks like a mystery none other than I can solve!

tae
go to sleep, riwoo

riwooo
i will
but im def sus of that leehan guy
im gonna find out what hes up to

tae
sure riwoo
and goodnight

riwooo
night night tae :)

+

Taesan doesn't categorize his days as good or bad – they're either numbingly uneventful, or the absolute worst. Uneventful days are usually the days with the least problems, and because nothing happens, Taesan can go through them without too many negative feelings involved. 

The worst days, however, can leave Taesan practically hopeless, locked in the prison that is his body. He always dreads these days, because he knows it's only a matter of time before one pops up unexpectedly, despite all the treatments, making him want to stop existing altogether.

Today turns out to be one of them. Taesan wakes up early that cold Friday morning internally screaming, a pain so intense nearly splitting his head open. His eyes water the second he opens them, this very action causing the pain to exacerbate.

Taesan can do nothing but lie still for many minutes, every second feeling like a lifetime. He basically feels comatose while hot tears roll down his eyes and dampen his pillow, his entire head pulsing like it's being stabbed into by knives. It's plain agony, and Taesan can't believe he has to deal with all this yet again.

It's even worse when someone knocks on the door to his bedroom, not even waiting for an answer before stepping in. The artificial light from the corridor slices into the dark room, sending another wave of pain over him.

"It's past seven, Taesan." It's his mother, her voice making his ears ring. "You should be up by now."

Taesan wants to tell her to get out and shut the door, but his mouth can't form the words.

His mother's silhouette drifts closer, and Taesan can feel her reaching for the light-switch. His insides recoil.

"No," he manages to let out, stopping her. "My… my head hurts. It's a bad one. Don't turn on the lights."

There's a pause, as if she's contemplating whether Taesan's telling the truth or not. It'd make him rage if he wasn't already dealing with another more draining problem. 

Eventually, even her perfume amplifies the nausea Taesan feels.

"So you're not going to school today," she says, stating the obvious. 

"No. So can you please get out?" Taesan pleads, wanting to claw out his brain. 

"Alright. But having headaches doesn't give you the right to treat me with disrespect."

Taesan can't believe they're doing this right now. He doesn't answer, hoping his mother soon gets the hint that he's so not in the mood to continue this conversation. 

She does, shutting the door, encroaching Taesan in darkness once more, and leaving him to deal with his uselessly awful body all on his own.

+

Taesan has no idea how long he went unconscious for, but when his eyes creak open once again, the gleam coming from the curtains doesn't make his eyes totally burn. 

He's still exhausted, though, and while it's a state of mind he's never escaped, his limbs feel more weighted than normal. It's even a struggle to breathe properly.

Too tired to move, Taesan fumbles around for his phone, face still smushed into his pillow. He soon feels it, its surface cooling his flushed skin.

Taesan's not a sociable person in the slightest, so the amount of notifications that greet him makes him falter. But, as it turns out, a few are from Sungho, and Riwoo texts enough to fill an entire group chat. 

park sungho !
are u ok taesan??
riwoo told me u probably had a bad migraine again

park sungho !
hope u get well soon buddy
grandma always takes some ginger or chamomile tea for her headaches. it might help, maybe
[sent 8:18 am]

Taesan hearts his latest message, not having the energy to type anything. Soon enough he's moving on to Riwoo, his many texts taking him a while to get through.

riwooo
dude
if my mom wasnt so stubborn about me having a perfect attendance i wouldve been on ur ass by now

riwooo
in the purest way of course

riwooo
but oh my goddd
school will be so boring without you
who else will willingly get on the teachers nerves just to provide me with some high quality entertainment???

riwooo
alright im kidding
but
i miss u already
[sent 8:20 am]

Riwoo's most recent texts make Taesan lightheaded, and he nearly drops his phone.

riwooo
hey
um
leehan uh
he asked me for ur number

riwooo
i asked what for of course
he said u two are friends

We are not friends, Taesan wants to reply, but he's still basically stapled to his bed.

riwooo
so i gave it to him
granted he seems like a chill guy

riwooo
youre so gonna kill me for this arent u
[sent 9:53 am]

He's right; Taesan wants to strangle him for this. But doing that would be futile as Leehan already has his number, obtaining yet another way to make his life harder.

Fuck. Fuck, fuck, fuck.

Looking at the messages makes Taesan's head hurt, so he flips himself around and glares at nothing. He doesn't want to do anything, but his throat feels like sandpaper, he needs to take his meds, and his stomach is begging for something to eat.

Taesan's a terrible cook, so he just heats up some leftover pasta, grabs an ice pack, and shuffles back into his room. He barely tastes anything, because even though the headache has subsided by now, it's still a hassle to enjoy the food.

He's drinking water (as sugary drinks don't help his migraines), when his phone suddenly vibrates on his bed.

It's a text message, which he mindlessly checks. The unknown phone number is ominous.

"Shit," Taesan curses, sincerely hoping it isn't who he thinks it is.

unknown
Hey
Is this Han Taesan?

taesan
who is this

unknown
Kim Leehan ;)

Taesan almost blocks him.

unknown
Taesan??

taesan
what do you want.

stalker boy
Your friend Riwoo said you werent feeling well
Are you feeling better now?

taesan
no
because of you

stalker boy
Shit, I'm sorry :'(

taesan
you think youre so funny, huh

stalker boy
Very ㅋㅋ

stalker boy
But uh
I just wanted to know

taesan
know what

stalker boy
I just wanted to know that you're okay

Taesan is caught off-guard by Leehan's confession.

taesan
why?

stalker boy
Because I just want to, Taesan

Taesan's heart does this weird twist, which fucks with his headache even more. What the fuck.

stalker boy
Taesan? ㅠㅠ

taesan
bye

Chapter Text

Leehan's on the road, nothing but darkness before him. He looks around, and realizes his hands are gripping a familiar steering wheel, knuckles as white as a sheet.

Panic bubbles up his throat, and he immediately tries to slam on the brakes to stop moving. But like he was put under some kind of hypnosis, he keeps driving, further and further into the abyss.

The void is all encompassing, so thick and endless. And Leehan can't stop driving, the speedometer going nuts as the car continues racing down the road.

Leehan is stiff with fear despite being in this exact position already, because he knows how this ends. And just like that time, he can do nothing to stop it.

The car engine roars against the night, but Leehan's heart is even louder, thumping ferociously against his chest. He can't fucking breathe.

Then these lights, sudden and blazing, attack his vision until he can no longer see anything else. He's also spinning, round and round, metal screeching against asphalt.

Leehan's lightheaded as if he's floating, shattered glass dousing his skin in red. He can almost see his reflection on the shards, and he tastes iron in his throat when he gasps for oxygen.

He sits up with a large inhale, his thoughts in disarray. His heartbeat sprints inside his chest, sweat rolling down his temple. 

For a moment, Leehan can only focus on the details of the nightmare even when he knows it wouldn't be good for him. Though he's awake, it's like he's still at that scene, trapped in a mangled car with blood dripping down his head.

You're not there anymore, Leehan has to tell himself over and over. You're currently in your room, and you're fine. You're alright. 

You're alright, Leehan.

"Fuck," Leehan whispers, running his hand through his hair. It's damp, several strands sticking uncomfortably to his face. He grabs his phone and switches it on, a vivid 5:23AM, Monday displayed on its screen. The wallpaper, which is of him and Joohyuk having ice cream at Lotteria, lightens Leehan's mood a bit.

But falling asleep now would practically be impossible, and the more Leehan stays in this room, the more suffocating it feels.

Ever since what happened years ago that rendered him basically immobile for quite some time, Leehan has developed this kind of… insecurity over not being active enough. And with this shitty nightmare still plaguing his mind, he knows he needs some fresh air or else he'd go crazy.

Wallowing in his thoughts will fuck up the rest of Leehan's day, so he's determined to be in the best of moods. As a result he pulls on a hoodie and shoves his feet into his New Balances, readying himself for an early morning jog.

The sky's overcast, the temperature probably in the negatives. Each inhale chills Leehan's lungs, and when the breeze plays with his hair, he can't help but think back to when he and Taesan were at that public park last Wednesday, mostly getting along for once.

Stop thinking about him, Leehan thinks while jogging down the sidewalk, but his brain has a particularly annoying habit of not listening to him. 

After Riwoo handed him Taesan's number, Leehan was ready for the guy to shut him out, or even block him. But Taesan hasn't, though he's threatened a couple times that he would if Leehan keeps being a 'super irritating nuisance'.

Leehan's sure he's smiling right now, the memory of his nightmare growing dimmer by the second as he recalls all the text conversations they've had. He remembers asking Taesan things from his favorite color (red), to whether he was a morning or night person (night, definitely), to whether he prefers pouring cereal first or milk, while he accused Leehan yet again of being a stalker. But not before he replied that he obviously pours the cereal in first like a normal person.

Taesan will never admit it, but Leehan knows he finds it fun texting him.

Before Leehan knows it, he's racing down the suburban neighborhood, the wind in his hair and his heartbeat wild. A newfound determination courses through his veins. Leehan feels alive. 

Leehan runs until his chest hurts and his muscles ache, figuring he's reached his limit. Breathless, he peers up at the silvery sky, noting how the sun's starting to appear. 

"Today's gonna be a good day," Leehan says out loud, forcing away all traces of self-doubt. "I can feel it."

+

It's when Leehan's eating cereal across from his grandma that he notices Taesan's profile picture has changed.

At first after enlarging the picture, all Leehan sees is orange. But then he catches sight of a sunset at the center, a silhouette beside it. The beanie and dark hair are unmistakable.

Leehan thinks Taesan is smiling, because he sees a flash of teeth and curved lips. And Taesan looks... handsome. 

Leehan wonders who took this picture of him, wonders how close they must've gotten to get such a candid, picturesque shot. Leehan imagines himself in the place of the photographer, with his camera angled towards Taesan as he poses for him. Leehan wonders how he'd look then.

"Found something interesting?" Sangmi's voice interrupts Leehan's thoughts. "You haven't touched your cereal in a while."

"Oh – " Leehan quickly turns his phone off like Sangmi can hear what he's thinking. Like he just got busted doing something wrong. "Just some funny video I saw."

Sangmi hums, focused on her knitting which Leehan is totally glad about.

He shoves a spoonful of soggy cereal in his mouth, but it has no effect on him because he's looking forward to seeing Taesan at school today. 

As soon as Leehan's done with the cereal, a new text enters his phone.

sangwook
I'm working late today so you're picking up Joohyuk.

Leehan's smile immediately drops, and he has half a mind to not reply to him. But holding things in has never been his forte, and mulling in negative feelings will mess up the optimism he's been building up.

leehan
Good morning to you too, Dad :)

sangwook
Don't get smart with me, boy.

Leehan considers the conversation practically dead by now, the only silver lining being that soon enough, he'd get to hang out with his brother.

Seeing Taesan at school too certainly helps, the guy clad in a jean jacket, with headphones settled over a black tank top that highlights his slim torso.

They don't get the chance to talk, even in their shared classes, but it's gotten to a point that just seeing Taesan around makes Leehan feel a little better.

After he finishes his classes for the day, Leehan spots Taesan, Riwoo and a guy he's seen with them a couple times by the lockers. It's then Leehan sees it: Taesan smiling. It lasts for like a second, but Leehan catches the small twinkle in his eyes and the endearing curve of his lips anyway. And god, he looks – 

"Hey, Kim!" Someone yells, their heavy arm flinging over his shoulder. A grinning face greets Leehan, one belonging to none other than the football team's star Ji Myunghee. "Missed you at the party on Saturday. Where were you?"

His voice is loud enough to capture some stares, including Taesan's. Neck flushed, Leehan subtly shifts himself aside and rubs the back of his head.

"I was kinda busy," he replies. He'd do anything to get out of this chat with this guy he has next to nothing in common with. Leehan feels this way with most of the people who've befriended him here, because while he wouldn't have minded their company at his old school, he's simply not the person he used to be. "You know how it is."

Myunghee nods, though it's obvious he isn't really paying attention. "Hey, listen. There's something even bigger happening this Friday at Sieun's. You know Sieun, right?"

Leehan hums, but that's a good enough answer because Myunghee pats his back, a satisfied smile on his lips.

"The boys and I'll see you there," he tells Leehan, before running off to meet his other jock buddies.

Their interaction has certainly soured Leehan's mood, but he tries not to let it get to him. He turns around figuring he'd best get to picking Joohyuk up, but Taesan staring at him stops him in his tracks.

Leehan doesn't know what possesses him right then, but he decides to wink, wanting to get a rise out of Taesan. But Taesan just looks away, his face unreadable, and Leehan's mood plummets.

What a terrific day today has been.

+

An upside to Sangwook working so late is that Leehan gets to spend more time alone with Joohyuk before he has to take him back, as his grandma went out to meet up with her friends.

They're both seated on the comfy couch, a space documentary playing on the TV 'cause it's Joohyuk's new hyperfixation. Adding to this, a bunch of books containing stickers of space stuff are scattered around the vicinity, with Joohyuk tearing some out whenever they're talked about on the screen. Now, the documentary is focused on planets.

Leehan doesn't make a lot of sound the entire time because he knows Joohyuk hates it when he gets interrupted while doing something he likes. It's fun enough watching him enjoy himself, as it lets Leehan know he's doing something right.

"You aren't happy."

Joohyuk's voice snaps Leehan out of his thoughts, and while Joohyuk isn't looking at him, Leehan can see he's clearly bothered. 

"I'm fine," Leehan answers, smiling to get his point across. But the action itself is tasking, so he knows Joohyuk doesn't buy it. "Really, I am."

Joohyuk's eyes are big when they peer into Leehan's, and though he averts his gaze a second later, it's how Leehan figures out that Joohyuk wants him to be honest with him.

Leehan sighs, before crossing his legs on top of the couch to face his brother. Leehan doesn't look at him directly – Joohyuk doesn't like that – but he subtly nudges his knee so he's aware Leehan's about to tell him the truth.

Well, some part of the truth, at least, because Leehan can't really make sense of what's happening with him either.

Joohyuk even presses the remote to lower the volume of the documentary, something that warms Leehan's chest. When he smiles again this time around, it's a little more real.

"...Well, there's this… person," Leehan begins, tiptoeing around the words so Joohyuk doesn't get the wrong idea. "I, uh, I want to talk to them a lot – see them a lot, even. But they don't seem as… interested? I don't even know." Leehan rubs his face, frustrated. "Um, they can be nicer at times, but then it's like they shut me out again and give me the silent treatment – "

"Like the entirety of space itself? As it's so silent?" Joohyuk cuts in, beaming at the chance to connect this conversation to what he's currently interested in. 

"Yeah," Leehan laughs, happy that Joohyuk's happy. "They become as silent as space."

Joohyuk nods, his excitement contagious. "Go on."

"Like, when I text them they often reply, and they seem super into the conversation," Leehan continues. "But then I see them in school and they get so unresponsive and cold – "

"Like Uranus? It's the coldest planet ever in the solar system. Bet they're not as cold as that."

Leehan leans in like he's about to share some big secret. "Pretty sure he's even colder than that. He's so cold it kinda hurts at times, but I'm still so freaking drawn to him."

"He?"

Leehan realizes he’s just slipped up, and for a second he can hear nothing but his thundering heartbeat.

Joohyuk's face is blank, which is how it usually is, but now it's entirely nerve-wracking. Leehan wants to say something – anything, but he just stays rigid like an idiot, open to the scrutiny of his ten year old brother.

But then, Joohyuk slaps a sticker of Uranus on his arm.

"Don't worry," he says, watching Leehan briefly. "I won't tell Dad. I know a boy named Yijin in my art class that drew two dads instead of one last week."

It takes Leehan a minute to register what Joohyuk just said, and as soon as he does he quickly straightens up, eyes widened in alarm. 

"No – " Leehan almost exclaims. He stares at the fish tank at the corner to distract himself from his heated cheeks. "I'm not – you misunderstood me, Joohyuk. This guy – I just want to be friends with him. Nothing else. Really."

"Are you sure?" Joohyuk presses. "You don't think he's pretty? That's what people usually think when they like someone."

Leehan immediately shakes his head, but that doesn't stop his thoughts from wandering over to Taesan's new profile picture. "I don't... I don't think he's pretty." 

"Okay," Joohyuk replies, not looking as interested anymore. The sticker on Leehan's skin feels hotter than ever. 

Leehan softly exhales a sigh of relief. 

"So can I see him?"

Leehan blinks once, then two times. "W-what?"

"The boy who's colder than Uranus," Joohyuk elaborates. He even smiles at Leehan, which makes this kind of a big deal. "I want to see him."

"I uh, I don't have any pictures of him," Leehan says, because he doesn't think that profile pic counts. 

"Then you can ask him for some," Joohyuk tells Leehan. "You take nice pictures. He'll definitely agree."

Leehan chuckles, his brother's innocence making this conversation a little easier to bear. "I dunno. He'd probably find it weird."

"Well, you never know," Joohyuk says, his attention gradually getting drawn back to the documentary. "He might like it." 

Leehan ruffles his hair, laughing when he just pouts at him. "What should I do then, huh? To get him to stop being so cold to me?"

Leehan doesn't know why he's asking Joohyuk this, considering he's just ten and doesn't even know what Taesan looks like. But a part of him is desperate to know Taesan even more; for Taesan to be more open with him.

"Um," Joohyuk purses his lips, obviously thinking hard about Leehan's question. It's such a loaded one too, but Joohyuk has proven himself to know way more than is expected of him. "I think you should just keep being friends with him. Everyone likes having friends. And eventually, I think he'll get less cold than Uranus. Melt, basically." 

"You really think so?" Leehan asks, wanting to believe his brother's right. 

"Yes." Joohyuk turns up the volume of the documentary. "And take his picture, too."

Leehan laughs, although he's not too positive about that last piece of advice. "Sure, Hyuk. I'll take your word for it." 

With that, Leehan sinks further into the couch while Joohyuk continues his documentary, mulling over his words for the rest of the afternoon.

+

Leehan doesn't know what it is that makes him agree that Friday night, but as he shuffles past sweaty, intoxicated bodies to get into the even more crowded living room, the bass thumping in his ears, he realizes it's too late to back out now.

Sangwook would throw a fit if he saw Leehan at this kind of party, but Leehan's gone past the point of caring what he thinks. He knows himself, and unlike before, he's aware of his limits.

Someone greets Leehan, but the music's too loud with too many people around to know who it is. There are cups being passed around containing suspicious alcoholic concoctions, which he avoids like the plague. In fact, he's not really in the mood to drink (can't drink a lot, anyway), but by the time he makes it to the wide kitchen he's already been handed like three beers.

"Teenagers will hate you for this trick," a feminine voice slithers in, and then Leehan's looking at dark hair, darker eyes and a smile that seems more playful than friendly. 

"Here," the girl continues, passing Leehan a cold shot cup with clear liquid. "It's water. Just carry this around, say it's vodka or something and you'll be left alone."

Leehan recognizes her in no time. "You're Lee Jiwon, right? Saw you on Tuesday."

Jiwon nods, smiling again. Her lips are shiny, probably from lipgloss. "Yep, it’s me. But honestly, I never saw you as the type to be interested in photography."

"I get that a lot," Leehan says with a chuckle. "And well, I only recently developed an interest in it as a hobby."

Jiwon moves a bit closer, a twinkle in her eyes. "So what was your previous hobby, then?"

"Well, I did do track – and a bit of swimming as a kid, so I guess that counts as a hobby." Leehan takes a sip of his drink – his water, wondering if he should just forget about everything else and hook up with Jiwon. It doesn't take rocket science to figure out she's interested in Leehan, maybe not to the point of wanting to date him, but certainly into something that involves as little clothing as possible. 

The old Leehan would've jumped at this opportunity, as he never had a shortage of girls eager to hook up or at least make out with. But now, Leehan's a little hesitant, though the offer is tempting.

He's about to say something to Jiwon, but then catches sight of someone he never expected to see here.

Despite the dim lighting and several students moving about, Taesan is unmistakable. He lingers beside the staircase with Riwoo and a few others, a soda in hand and his clothes dark and form-fitted. His deep brown eyes are accentuated with eyeliner, which takes Leehan aback.

But that isn't the most surprising change about Taesan tonight, though. His new hairstyle is what catches Leehan's attention, the length shorter now with bangs gently falling into his eyes. It makes his features stand out more. Makes him look different in a good way.

Leehan's heart skips when Taesan stares right at him, downing his drink at the same time. Leehan swallows thickly, and he nearly startles when he feels a touch on his forearm. 

"You okay?" It's Jiwon, her nicely trimmed brows knotted in concern.

Leehan nods like he's some puppet, before placing his cup of water on the counter. "I uh, have to go."

"Go where?" Jiwon's hand is still on his arm, and her warm touch might've been comforting if Leehan wasn't so acutely aware of Taesan's eyes still trained on him.

"Gotta use the bathroom." It's such a lame excuse, but Leehan's mind is too frazzled to come up with something better. 

He looks into the crowd once again, and sees that Taesan's heading away.

"Oh, okay." Jiwon doesn't look too disappointed, which is a good thing. 

Leehan is soon a part of the crowd. Shoulders and elbows bump into him as he trails after Taesan, quickly realizing he's leaving through the front door.

"Taesan!" Leehan yells, hoping Taesan hears him through the noise. He doesn't.

Leehan makes it out of the house a moment after Taesan does, the night air sending chills up his back. He spots Taesan up ahead nearing the sidewalk, and jogs after him.

"Taesan," Leehan calls, and that's when Taesan turns around, his face scrunched in annoyance. "Hey."

"What the fuck do you want?" Taesan demands, his tone harsher than Leehan bargained for.

Despite this, Leehan offers one of his charming grins, hoping it melts him a little. "Just wanted to say hi."

Taesan rolls his eyes. "Don't you have your football bros and cheerleader girlfriend to get to?"

Leehan doesn't know what to say so he laughs, a little in disbelief. Taesan's chilly expression doesn't waver, however. "What are you even talking about? I don't even like football."

Taesan doesn't answer. He just starts walking away, taking another swig of his drink. 

Leehan follows after him like he's under some spell. "Taesan – "

"Leave me alone, jeez," Taesan spits, increasing his pace down the street.

Leehan catches up to him in time, though, the moonlight dousing Taesan's profile in this subtle glow. "I just want to talk."

"About what?"

"Anything. As long as it's with you."

Taesan suddenly halts, taking Leehan by surprise. When Leehan faces him, he looks mad.  "Are you fucking serious?"

"...What do you mean?"

"You know how you sound, right?" Taesan goes on, inching closer. So close Leehan can almost count his eyelashes. "I mean, you have to know."

Leehan is speechless at Taesan's proximity, and making eye contact with him suddenly seems impossible. Taesan steps even closer, his subtle cologne and body heat infiltrating Leehan's senses. 

Leehan gulps, because he's pretty sure Taesan's eyes fell to his lips for a second. "Taesan – "

"You have to know," Taesan repeats, breath fanning Leehan's face. "And yet, you – you keep fucking with me."

Leehan tries to step away but Taesan grabs his arm, his touch like flames on his skin as their chests collide. It's like Leehan has now become tipsy, heavily drunk on Taesan's presence. Fuck, this is bad.

"You're so freaking…" Taesan starts, his lips twisted in displeasure. He licks them, making them wet. Fuck.

"So what?" Leehan manages to ask, feet planted to the ground. Some force of nature guides his hand to Taesan's own, his palm soft and warm when Leehan confiscates the can of soda precariously swaying in his grip. "Tell me, Taesan."

But then Taesan stumbles into him, almost knocking him off-balance considering he's taller. His body drapes over Leehan's, his heartbeat a steady thump.

"You okay?" Leehan asks, surprised but honestly relieved because he doesn't know what he would've done if Taesan continued talking.

Taesan mumbles something incoherent.

"Hm?" 

"Got – dizzy. Want to go home. Fucking sick of this place already."

Leehan chuckles, kind of liking how they're embracing.

"...What's so funny?" Taesan mumbles. Leehan is suddenly reminded of the adorably pissed kitten that always hissed at him on his way home from middle school.

Leehan smiles. "Now that I think about it, we're hugging right now."

Taesan just groans and pushes himself off of him. Leehan still makes sure he's supporting him in some way, a bit concerned. "Just drive me back to my house."

"So demanding. You're so lucky I like you." Leehan's heartbeat stutters at the feel of Taesan nestling his head into his shoulder.

Taesan doesn't reply, which means he's truly out of it. 

"Alright, I'll drive you home," Leehan concludes, fighting the urge to run his hand through Taesan's hair. It looks so soft. "But you gotta tell me where you live. ...Do you want me to get you something to help? Some water maybe?"

"Take me to my house, Leehan."

Leehan nods, realizing he'll probably do anything Taesan asks. He's starting to like him way more than he thought.

Chapter Text

Taesan's head fucking hurts, but it's so commonplace that it's basically the default. 

He doesn't know where he is for a moment, but when he opens his eyes, he's greeted by a sight that frankly sends chills down his spine. 

It's Riwoo, his face terribly close to Taesan's own and his smile enormous.

"Jesus Christ, Riwoo." Taesan jolts, but that turns out to be a huge mistake because half of his head flares with pain. Taesan groans, wanting to just die.

"Are you okay?" Riwoo hurriedly asks, hopping from the chair by the bed to Taesan's side. "Another bad headache?"

"Yes, and your voice is kind of making it worse."

Riwoo makes an overexaggerated motion of zipping his lips, but it takes exactly four seconds for him to break his silence. "Dude, what happened last night? You dipped on us, weren't answering my calls, and suddenly freaking Leehan is calling me through your phone, saying he took you home."

The mention of Leehan's name sends Taesan's thoughts spiraling, disjointed memories crashing into his head. His headache only worsens.

"I brought some galbitang for you," Riwoo rambles on, oblivious to Taesan's inner turmoil. "Don't worry – Mom made it, not me. But I did help. Mina even thinks it's good."

Taesan can't even focus completely on what Riwoo's saying, all too preoccupied with fleeting images of kind brown eyes and firm hands. Taesan then remembers how close he'd gotten – how close Leehan had gotten, his face just centimeters from Taesan's.

Taesan doesn't know what had gotten into him, or why Leehan's face and lips suddenly looked so alluring. But Taesan knows he'd almost kissed Leehan, a realization that throws him head-first into a whirlwind of embarrassment. 

"Fuck," he exhales, which startles Riwoo.

"Crap, maybe the galbitang was a bad idea – "

"It's not about the galbitang," Taesan cuts Riwoo off, too irked and ashamed to function. He certainly likes to think he fears nothing, especially after particular near-death experiences, but the thought of seeing Leehan's face after what happened last night makes him stiff with dread. 

"What's it about then?" Riwoo asks, genuinely puzzled. "Did something happen last night? You know you can tell me anything."

Taesan flings an arm over his eyes, the minimal darkness it offers easing some of his nerves. "I know."

"So… what is it?" Taesan feels a dip in the bed, Riwoo soon lying next to him. Like this, it's almost like they're fourteen and fifteen again, pretending the ceiling was the night sky 'cause Taesan was too sick to go out. "Come on man, you can trust me."

Taesan doesn't say anything. In fact, he can't, not when he’s unable to even make sense of why he felt drawn to Leehan in that way in the first place. Why he still feels that way, because his heart does backflips every fucking time Leehan appears in his head. And it's terrifying.

"Taesan?"

"I kinda just want to rest a bit, okay?" Taesan tells Riwoo, still keeping his eyes clenched shut. He knows he sounds like a ginormous dick right now, but trying to explain his feelings and sexuality is a whole can of worms he doesn't want to deal with at the moment. 

"Alright, Tae," Riwoo replies, so fucking nice despite the way Taesan keeps shutting him out. "I'll go chill outside, and save you some of the soup, I promise."

Taesan manages a chuckle, finally taking a good look at his friend. Riwoo's dressed in a wrinkled hoodie and sweatpants, which means he probably raced over here as soon as he could to make sure Taesan was okay. Taesan's guilt amplifies, and it's times like these that he despises himself for being such an affectionless void. 

"Thank you," Taesan says, hoping a few hours would be all it takes to get over this. But he’s well aware this problem isn't going to resolve itself that easily. "And I'm sorry."

"It's not your fault, you know that," Riwoo answers, patting Taesan's shoulder. "I've been your friend long enough to know when you need some space. Plus I've got some homework to do anyway."

Riwoo then leaves, and as soon as the door shuts behind him Taesan slams his palms over his face, sighing deeply. 

Taesan's phone buzzes on the nightstand, the screen lighting up with a message. It's then he notices it's half past twelve in the afternoon. 

Taesan wants to switch the phone off and shut himself away from the world, but the part of him that's deeply masochistic wins over. He grabs the device and finds a new message from 'kim leehan'.

Leehan's profile pic is the same as always. He's cuddling some dog outdoors, all sunshine and rainbows with his stupid long hair that frames his stupid gorgeous face all perfectly.

kim leehan
Hey Taesan
I hope you're alright

Another text enters.

kim leehan
I was wondering if we could talk?

And then another.

kim leehan
About last night
If thats ok?

kim leehan
No pressure

Taesan types a response he knows he'll regret later on.

taesan
idk what you're talking about
nothing happened last night

Leehan starts typing something, but stops. And that's how it is for a couple seconds. And then – 

kim leehan
Oh okay
See you at school on Monday then

taesan
sure

Taesan doesn't send anything else, but he feels like Leehan is still there in the chat, waiting for him to say something. Hoping he'd say something. But Taesan’s far too tired to care about whatever Leehan might be thinking.

Taesan's exhaustion, however, doesn't prepare him for what Leehan decides to send next. 

kim leehan
Taesan I just need to know
Do you hate me?

Taesan's heart skips a beat.

taesan
what are you talking about

kim leehan
You know what I mean
And its perfectly ok if you feel that way

kim leehan
I just want to know
So I wont bother you anymore

taesan
no

Taesan inhales a breath, pulse pounding in his ears.

taesan
it takes a lot to hate someone
granted i dont like a lot of people

taesan
but you arent one of them

Taesan doesn't know why he's trying so hard to explain his confusing feelings surrounding Leehan to him, but the fact that Leehan thinks Taesan might hate him bothers him a lot more than he thought it would.

kim leehan
You sure?

taesan
pretty sure i know myself more than you do, kim

kim leehan
Ok

taesan
okay what

kim leehan
okayyyy :)

Taesan rolls his eyes.

taesan
youre so fucking weird

kim leehan
Thank you, I try ;)

Taesan throws his phone aside and grabs his pillow, hoping whatever it is he's feeling for this guy fucks off by Monday. 

+

It stays. Doesn’t even give Taesan time to breathe.

In fact it was there that morning the second Taesan woke up, and, with the nausea swirling in his gut that accompanies him everyday, made for a particularly swell anxiety-filled morning.

And of course, the second he and Riwoo met up with Sungho at his locker, none other than Leehan was there, meandering into the hallway with his bag slung over his shoulder and his signature charming™ smile plastered across his face. Taesan made sure their gazes never met, obviously, but the way his heart fucking squeezed left him feeling like he was having a heart attack. And he knows what a heart attack is like.

And now during lab class, Taesan tries to pretend Leehan isn't just a few seats behind him and focuses completely on Riwoo's hunched form as he studies some rock samples under a microscope. Clearly, it's not engaging enough to get Taesan's mind off Leehan.

"These are granite rocks, right?" Riwoo asks, passing the microscope over to Taesan. Taesan adjusts his goggles and takes Riwoo's place, forcing himself to concentrate on this draining lab exercise once and for all.

"Leehan?" Taesan hears Riwoo question all of a sudden, and the abruptness of it all makes him crash into a stray pipette, nearly shattering the thing to smithereens. It's Leehan that grabs onto it before it does, of course, looking right at Taesan in the process.

"Be careful, Taesan," he tells Taesan, his annoyingly husky voice getting to Taesan's head. Even in these oversized lab coats and thick goggles they have to wear, he still manages to pull the look off somehow. "You okay?"

Taesan hates how Leehan's worried over something he shouldn't be, aka him. He also hates how obvious Leehan's being too, because Riwoo is right there.

Fortunately, Riwoo isn't all that focused on how Leehan just behaved. "What are you doing here, dude? Thought you were sitting with Hana and Dayoung."

"I don't think they'd miss me that much," Leehan chuckles, pulling out a stool to sit.

On instinct Taesan looks at where Hana and Dayoung are situated, the two of them less concentrated on their work and more on each other. Of course, someone could think they're just good friends, but it's obvious to Taesan that they might be a little more than that. He can't help but wonder if Leehan knows this too.

"Oh, well, the more the merrier," Riwoo concludes, already chill with Leehan becoming his partner. Taesan wishes he could be that chill, but he's grateful for his agonizing past that made it infinitely easier for him to hide his emotions. His expression turns stony in seconds. "Labs are always better with more people. More fun, too."

"You think labs are fun?" Leehan comments with a raised brow, easily falling into friendly rapport with Riwoo. He takes Riwoo's place by the microscope, leans over the counter and smirks. "Though I do feel like a sexy scientist. Which side of my face looks prettier?"

Riwoo laughs, undeniably amused. Taesan knows right there and then that Leehan has wormed his way into his friend list. "The left, definitely. ‘Cause the sunlight hits you amazingly from that angle."

"Won't argue with that," Leehan agrees, and then he's looking at Taesan with those gentle eyes of his. "Which side do you think looks better, Taesan? Right or left?"

Taesan hopes he doesn't look as startled as he feels. It's so weird how disoriented Leehan has made him, when he used to always get on Taesan's last nerves. Luckily, Taesan's ability to never run out of snappy comebacks doesn't fail him.

"I don't know. It's kinda hard to pick," he replies, placing his goggles on the table. "Since none stands out."

Riwoo clutches his chest as if he's the one on the other side of Taesan's jab. "Ouch, that was brutal."

Leehan just tilts his head, his expression a swirl of disbelief and a challenge. "Oh really? Maybe I'm too far away. If I get a bit closer, I suppose you'll finally find a side you prefer?"

Taesan scoffs and folds his arms as a way to distract himself from Leehan's fixed stare. There's this little squint he does too, and it's intense. Taesan can't take it. "You could basically stick yourself to me and I wouldn't see a difference, Leehan."

Riwoo eyes the two of them, speechless.

"So you're saying I should try, then," Leehan answers. "Pretty sure I could prove you wrong, Taesan."

Taesan's jaw clenches. "You're so fucking – "

"Guys, I don't know what's going on but I'm getting kind of uncomfortable," Riwoo butts in, genuinely looking distressed. "You two look seconds away from biting your heads off. Very, very affectionately."

Taesan cringes while Leehan looks away.

"Did I make things weird?" Riwoo continues. At the silence that stretches between them, he proceeds to nod quickly. "Yep, I made things weird."

+

"Guys," Riwoo announces during lunch after several minutes of him picking at his mushy fries. "I thought I could hold it in and pretend it's alright, or whatever. But then I realized I just have to let it out or else I'd go crazy."

Sungho stops sipping his can of soda, eyes narrowed. "If you need to shit you're gladly excused."

"I don't need to shit!" Riwoo says a little too loudly, which invites stares to their table. Immediately he makes himself smaller, muttering a quiet 'sorry'.

"What is it, Riwoo?" Taesan asks, and while he knows it's selfish of him, he can't help but hope Riwoo isn't about to talk about what took place at lab class. "Did something bad happen?"

"I won't say bad. But I got kinda... tricked."

"Tricked?" Sungho's eyebrows jump.

"Myungj04," Riwoo utters, which definitely piques Taesan's attention.

"What happened to her?" Taesan asks, chewing a tangerine slice. He can only deal with eating fruits and water during this time of day. Anything artificially sweet will fuck even more with the shitstorm in his brain.

"Him," Riwoo points out, surprising Taesan and Sungho. "Myungj04 is a him, not a her. I was playing with him last night when he told me. Said he was sorry for lying about his gender 'cause he didn't want me to stop talking to him. Y’know, 'cause he's gay and all."

Taesan stops eating, the lump in his throat excruciating. He doesn't want to admit it to himself, but the thought of Riwoo reacting badly to something like that gets him a little lightheaded.

"Obviously, he did a shitty thing by basically catfishing you," Sungho begins slowly, and if he's watching Taesan right now he doesn't dare look up to confirm. "But you aren't mad he's gay, right?"

Riwoo stays quiet for a second too long, but then he reaches over and flicks Sungho's forehead.

"Ow. The hell was that for?" Sungho grimaces, rubbing his head.

"For assuming I had a problem with him being gay," Riwoo replies. "I'm not a bigot. And I have gay friends."

Taesan chokes on the water he was drinking and starts to cough.

"Taesan, are you okay?" Sungho quickly reacts, passing him a napkin.

"I – I'm fine," Taesan assures him, but he just knows they'd noticed how weird he'd gotten since the subject of Riwoo's video game buddy came up.

Riwoo looks worried but he's trying to seem chill about it, knowing fully well how much Taesan dislikes being coddled. It makes Taesan feel a whole lot worse, so much that he stands, grabbing his food tray.

"Gotta go use the bathroom," Taesan tells Riwoo and Sungho, because the longer he stays in here with all the noise and sexuality talk, the more his head throbs painfully. And he'd be damned if he gets a full-blown headache during school hours.

As soon as Taesan leaves the cafeteria, he rushes into the boys bathroom, his heart in his throat and thoughts chaotic.

The bathroom is empty, but even if it wasn't he wouldn't have cared.

Taesan's hands shake as he tries to regain his breath, the wide mirror before him reflecting just how distraught he feels.

Trembling, he pours out a couple tablets that would seem alarming to anyone else and downs them all at once with his bottle of water.

Taesan then flips on the faucet and rinses his face. Hopefully the pills keep the headache at bay, and leave him numb enough to finish the rest of the day without any more emotional outbursts.

Taesan thinks he hears footsteps, but they're drowned out by the pain relievers starting to take effect.

There's a brown haired guy suddenly in front of the mirror, and Taesan barely reacts when he turns and sees Leehan just standing there, looking like a deer caught in headlights.

"What do you want?" Taesan asks. He sounds so tired.

Leehan still looks like a fish out of water. "Um," he begins, inching closer. He shoves his hands into his pockets. "I kinda, uh, saw the pills."

Of course he did. "So what? Gonna accuse me of being into drugs?"

"What? No," Leehan winces. "I was just stating what I saw. Don't worry, I won't tell a soul."

"I never asked you to, but okay."

Leehan nods, not in the mood to argue further. Taesan would've felt bad if he wasn't in such an emotionally unresponsive state. He realizes he can leave, but he doesn't.

And eventually, Leehan speaks up again. "I... I still want to talk."

"I told you we've got nothing to talk about – "

"I know you remember."

"No, I don't." But Taesan knows his response just confirmed otherwise. It doesn't matter though, he won't talk about that night with Leehan.

"Fine," Leehan says, his jaw clenched. Taesan curses himself for finding it so attractive at that moment. "Have it your way. We won't talk about it."

"Thank you." Leehan's closeness doesn't freak Taesan out for once, but unpleasant emotions devour him right then. It's like poison – a dreadful ache – the way they puncture his heart, bleeding it dry.

Leehan does nothing for a moment, but then his fingers slowly, tentatively brush Taesan's fringe away from his face. Taesan's breath abruptly hitches, and this snaps Leehan out of his stupor.

In less than a second, he takes a step back, flustered, then exits the bathroom without another word.

Taesan figures he'll beat himself up for this later, but right now he can't move from his position, too busy relishing how Leehan's hand had felt in his hair.

Chapter Text

The next day arrives with little problems. Leehan doesn't have any nightmares, so he wakes up with a clearer, more stable state of mind. It still doesn't stop him from going for a jog at dawn, though, because unlike his nightmares, this problem weighing on his mind can't be solved by pretending it doesn't exist.

Han Taesan is at the forefront of Leehan's mind, and he doesn't leave even after all the distance Leehan has covered. It makes him laugh a bit, because his thoughts of Taesan are just as stubborn as he is. 

Leehan's smile erases itself when he thinks back to their conversation at the bathroom yesterday, however, and how closed-off Taesan had gotten. And it's infuriating, because every time Leehan thinks he's come a little closer to breaking through Taesan's shell, he rebuilds a thousand more. And all Leehan asks is for Taesan to let him know how he's feeling, so it'd be easier for Leehan to figure out how he feels in the process.

Leehan knows he can't pretend. He feels something for Taesan, and although it's too terrifying at the moment to fully indulge in these emotions, Leehan still finds himself hoping Taesan's feeling the same thing.

He got dizzy, Leehan tells himself while he sprints down the road. It was dark out. You were just seeing things.

A part of Leehan knows Taesan is well aware of what he did that night though, but the fact that he's so adamant on pushing Leehan away means he probably doesn't feel the same. Or that he somehow got… disgusted by what happened.

Leehan's still trying to figure himself out, but he's positive that if Taesan actually feels repulsed it'd definitely fucking hurt. Real bad.

Leehan's lungs feel incinerated at this point, a little too big for his chest with each rugged inhale. Sweat slides down his face, and looking at the gray, lifeless sky embeds him further into hopelessness. 

Leehan's used to things suddenly spinning out of control in his life – like the way he spun into that building on one of the worst nights of his entire life. As a result Leehan developed a persistent streak –  a defense mechanism almost – so he wouldn't lose anything else important to him. After all, if Leehan keeps being persistent – keeps acting carefree – he can never be alone. He can gain much more out of life. 

He can be happy.

But right now, Leehan wonders if he should just give up. He isn’t keen on getting stressed out, and had already been advised not to think too much. 

But Taesan makes Leehan still want to keep trying. Even after all the verbal jabs, the cold shoulders, and all the glares, Leehan still stubbornly holds on to those small moments Taesan's iciness had thawed, exposing someone gentler and kinder. During those small moments, Leehan could almost believe they were good friends.

It's the same stubbornness that drove Leehan into that car even though he wasn't in the right state of mind, stuck his fingers to the wheel even when he endangered himself and the other cars on the road, and made him accelerate even when he no longer could distinguish his left from his right through all the tears.

This stubbornness will most likely result in Leehan's ruin, but when has he ever been known to listen to what's good for him?

+

It's fifteen minutes into literature class when Mrs Oh announces that everyone has to do a pair project. The classroom immediately erupts into groans and a couple side comments – which she patiently waits to quiet down – and as soon as the noise ceases, she talks about the project.

Leehan doesn't listen to most of the details, because Taesan isn't there. In fact, he hasn't been there since Miss Min's math class where Leehan had grown to look forward to their usual verbal sparring. 

Now that Taesan's absent, the day’s eerily quiet and uneventful. Leehan had thought about several possible conversation starters after what happened at the boys bathroom the other day, but none of the scenarios involved Taesan not being at school. 

Leehan doesn't realize he zoned out until his desk mate, Yunho, pokes him then gestures to the teacher. Mrs Oh is looking directly at them – at Leehan – her thin eyebrows furrowed in impatience.

"Sorry, Mrs Oh," Leehan starts, pulling on that easygoing™ smile that almost always works at placating uptight people. "Could you please repeat that?"

Faint laughter spreads across the class, which is how Leehan discerns they find him innocently absentminded instead of a bumbling idiot. 

Mrs Oh sighs, but her frown soon lets up. "You've been paired with Han Taesan for the classic literature couples project, Leehan. You're presenting Jane Austen's Emma and Mr Knightley and…"

Once more, Leehan zones out, and it's not because of Mrs Oh's tendency to drone on and drone when she talks about something. All he can think about is the fact that he and Taesan are suddenly working on something together, and he isn't even here to witness it. Leehan doesn't think Taesan would be too impressed with them being paired up, but he's convinced he can worm his way into being in his good graces the more time they spend together.

Leehan catches from Mrs Oh that they all have like two weeks to prepare, which would land them smack-dab in the middle of October. 

Leehan can barely sit still as the hour drags on, restless and eager for the class to finally be over. They're even allowed to use their phones to do some research in advance – this chance obviously taken advantage of by many students.

Leehan tries to search something up about the characters, but with Taesan (his partner) missing, he doesn't get very far. Leehan even attempts messaging him to confirm his whereabouts, before backing out at the last second because that'll be weird. Since they're in this awkward limbo of friends-but-not-really, Leehan never knows what to do during situations like these. And it's incredibly frustrating.

Once the shrill bell screeches through the halls, Leehan springs to his feet and shoves his books into his bag. He’s one of the first to exit the classroom, his long legs aiding him tremendously.

With so many students congregated at one place, it takes a while to find who Leehan's looking for. The moment he does however, he heads towards them as quickly as he can.

"Sorry, Riwoo." Leehan apologizes after the guy nearly drops the book he’s holding in his presence. "And uh… Sungho, right?"

Sungho looks sort of surprised that Leehan knows him. "Yeah, that's me."

"I'm kinda looking for Taesan," Leehan begins. "We have something to work on together, but I haven’t seen him around, so."

Riwoo pushes a gigantic book into his bag. "Don't know if I should tell you this, but Taesan's a little occupied today."

"Doing what?" Leehan questions, a bit too enthusiastic. It's something Sungho definitely picks up on, his curved inquisitive eyes searing large holes into Leehan's face. 

"He's just busy," Riwoo continues, shoving yet another gigantic book into his bag. Leehan steps in to help him with it before he topples over or something. "Thanks. But I don't think it's my place to say anything else."

"You're working on a class project together, right?" Sungho confirms. At Leehan's nod, he continues. "Then just text him or I dunno – go to his house after class, or something."

Riwoo shoots a pointed glare at Sungho which he just shrugs at. Leehan has no idea what's going on, but he feels a little better now that he knows what to do.

"Alright, thanks," Leehan tells them both. "See you guys later."

"Sure," Sungho chirps, his beaming smile a little confusing.

+

Photography club passes without much going on, and just as Leehan's done practicing taking perspective shots, he leaves the school, gets into his car and drives off.

Taesan's house is similar to all the ones in this neighborhood. Not too big, and neat with its well trimmed lawn and small picket fence. Leehan checks his phone to see if the message he sent Taesan about coming here has been read, but it still hasn't. 

Regardless, Leehan steps past the fence and walks up to the egg-white door, quite apprehensive. The last time he was here, Taesan was pissed and shrugged off Leehan's attempts at supporting him into the house.

Don't be nervous. It's just Taesan, Leehan thinks. He channels all his confidence into knocking, hoping he's home by now. 

The doorknob twists quicker than expected, exposing the face of a girl probably a little older than Joohyuk. She peers up at Leehan as if she's seeing a dinosaur in real life, and Leehan would've found it amusing if he wasn't so tongue-tied.

"Hello?" she speaks, one brow arched in questioning.

"Um, I'm Leehan. Kim Leehan. I go to school with your brother," Leehan explains with a smile. "Is he home?"

"Are you sure Taesannie knows you? Because he's never mentioned you," Taesan's sister says. Leehan almost deflates but then she adds, "And you look like a cute boy."

Leehan's caught off-guard. "What – what do you mean?" 

She's about to say something else when loud footsteps storm down the stairs. Taesan.

"Mina, what did I say about opening the door for strangers – " Taesan halts the second he sees Leehan.

Leehan holds up a big bag of donuts and smiles. "I come in peace."

"Donuts!" Mina yells, eyes wide like saucers. Taesan just exhales, not in the mood to argue anymore.

+

Mina's munching her way through her third donut when Taesan faces Leehan on the comfy couch, which causes their knees to bump. Taesan doesn't move away, which makes Leehan feel better 'cause he wasn't planning on doing so either.

"Alright, Leehan," Taesan starts, eyes blank yet direct. Leehan feels like he's being interrogated. "What are you doing here?"

"Can't I just deliver donuts out of the goodness of my heart?"

"Be serious," Taesan deadpans, leaving no room for arguments. "Why are you here?"

Leehan takes a second to look at him, which is more than enough to study the tiredness shadowing his face, and how fed up he appears.

"What?"

"Are you okay?" Leehan asks.

Taesan sighs. "Please, just tell me the reason you're here. I'm not in the mood to chat."

Leehan nods, once again observing the interior of his house. It's mostly bare walls and dark, sleek furniture, and while it's still impressive, it lacks that warm, homely feeling. 

"We got paired up for a project in Mrs Oh's class," Leehan eventually tells Taesan. "You weren't around, and your friends said you'd probably be home by now."

"Why didn't you just text me?" Taesan questions.

"I did. Said I was coming over, but you didn't reply. Plus, you got donuts out of it. You can never go wrong with those."

"I don't like donuts."

"Then what do you like?"

"Why are you asking?"

Leehan leans so close that their elbows knock against each other. Again, Taesan doesn't flinch or move away. "Cause we're gonna be working together. And we're gonna be needing some refreshments when we inevitably get hungry."

"Are you gonna come over often?" Taesan's sister suddenly chips in, her excitement palpable. She doesn't look much like Taesan, but she's got the same round eyes.

Leehan grins at her, chuckling when Taesan rolls his eyes. "Well, do you want me to?"

"If you bring more donuts, yes," Mina replies. She doesn't even waver under Taesan's lethal glare. 

Leehan places a hand over his heart. "Of course. Your wish is my command."

"I hate you both," Taesan groans.

"Love you too, Taesannie," Mina smiles. Then she's standing up, and while she looks twelve-ish, she's quite tall. "I'm gonna go to my room now. Thanks for the donuts, Mr Leehan!"

She races up the stairs and leaves Leehan and Taesan alone in the living room. 

There's a tentative silence for a moment, which Leehan's the first to break.

"...So…"

"Can you leave? I'll text you later," Taesan says, already on his way to the door. Leehan is disappointed, no doubt, but he follows after Taesan, knowing he must have his reasons. 

Leehan's not prepared to see how apologetic Taesan looks, however. 

"My mom's coming soon, and she doesn't like it when people she doesn't know are in the house," he says as he opens the door. 

The afternoon breeze enters, which makes Taesan hug himself as his white shirt is thin. Leehan suppresses the urge to hand him his jacket. 

"And thanks, I guess," Taesan continues just as Leehan is out of the house, stopping him in my tracks. "For buying those donuts. My sister loves them." 

A smile comes as easily to Leehan's face as breathing. "It's no problem, Taesan. Really."

And it really isn't. Leehan's just super glad he's done something nice for him.

+

Taesan tries not to think about it, but there are times when being alive doesn't seem worth it. The possibility of having to endure the rest of his life makes him want to vanish off the face of the earth. 

It's only Thursday and Taesan has already reached his limit. Waking up is particularly harder than it was yesterday, and the chills creeping up his spine from how cold it is makes it harder than ever to move or stand up. Taesan doesn't even have a headache – he just wants to sleep forever.

Taesan's limbs are heavy when he forces himself to leave the bed after a while, his feet dragging themselves over the floorboards as he makes his way into the bathroom.

Taesan can't even shower for long, because it only takes a few minutes for his limbs to start aching, weighed down by exhaustion. 

Dressing up is even more of a hassle than it usually is, so Taesan just pulls on a hoodie and the first pair of jeans he sees. Right now, he couldn’t care less that he might look like utter shit.

During breakfast, Taesan dissolves into the background as the voices around him gradually melt into static. He feels disconnected from it all, like he's not even there. Not even real.

"Taesan, is something the matter?"

Taesan's not even aware that it's his mother talking to him until she calls his name again.

"Yes?" Taesan replies, reaching for the box of cereal. He ignores Mina's worried glances.

"I asked if something was the matter," his mother repeats, a hand on her hip.

Taesan pours some cereal into his bowl, not even able to remember how he brought it to the table. "It's nothing."

"Then why are you dressed so lazily?" his mother continues with her questioning, as if the kind of clothes Taesan wears reflect on her somehow. 

Taesan just shrugs as he adds the milk to the cereal. He can practically feel her disapproval radiating through the air with how quiet she's gotten, but he's spared from more of her judgement since she keeps her mouth shut.

Riwoo's car is getting repaired so Taesan has to take the bus, and he's basically like a ghost as the vehicle approaches the school, only stepping out once everyone else has left.

Taesan doesn't say much during the first few classes, and Riwoo understands him well enough not to probe with questions. Because even if Taesan wanted to reply, he didn't have the energy to.

Sungho at lunch, however, doesn't quite get the memo. The minute Taesan shows up with Riwoo, his eyes widen in alarm.

"Are you alright?" he asks. Though his tone is sympathetic, Taesan still stiffens up, guarded.

"Not feeling too well," Taesan simply says, wanting to get out of here as soon as he can. He thought he could handle it, but the noise of the crowded cafeteria only exacerbates the hollowness in his chest. 

Fortunately, Sungho doesn't pry further and engages in conversation with Riwoo, which is just fine by Taesan. He's grateful they get him enough to know when he just needs to be left alone.

With his hood pulled over his head, Taesan is prepared to disengage further from his surroundings when his phone suddenly buzzes in his pocket. 

There's no reason Taesan should reply to whoever just messaged him – no reason to tire himself out even more. But it's like he's no longer in control of his body, because he pulls the phone out and scrolls to his chats.

kim leehan
Hey, Taesan

kim leehan
What do u call an owl that does magic tricks?

kim leehan
Hoodini

Taesan pauses, a little stunned.

kim leehan
What do you call a pig that does karate?
Pork chop

taesan
what?

kim leehan
What kind of shorts do clouds wear?

kim leehan
Thunderwear ;)

At this, Taesan feels something other than dissociation. Disbelief.

taesan
what are you trying to do? 

kim leehan
Make you smile?
'Cause I like you a latte

taesan
i don't like puns

kim leehan
But you're looking a little better now, Taesan

kim leehan
And that makes me a lot happier

Taesan doesn't exactly know why, but he looks up and finds Leehan at his table on his phone. The guy's softly smiling at the screen, biting his lip. The top half of his hair's been tied into this ponytail, wispy strands framing his features. Taesan's stomach does a flip at the sight.

Before Leehan gets the chance to notice that Taesan's staring at him, Taesan texts a reply as a way to distract himself from his thoughts.

taesan
i still feel like crap though

kim leehan
What do you call an alligator in a vest?
An investigator

taesan
you are so cheesy

kim leehan
I may be cheesy
But I think you're the gratest :))

Leehan's lame pun makes Taesan snort but he quickly hides it behind his palm, and fortunately Riwoo and Sungho don't seem to notice. 

Yet another text from Leehan enters Taesan's phone.

kim leehan
Did you just smile?

taesan
in your dreams, loser

kim leehan
Think we can meet up to work on that literature project?
I'm thinking my place

taesan
what makes you think i'll agree

kim leehan
Because I think you have a soft spot for me 😏

Taesan's stomach flips a second time.

kim leehan
So are you ok with that?

This time when Taesan looks up, Leehan is watching him, his brown eyes filled with hope. And, if this were anyone else, Taesan wouldn't even have taken their words into consideration. But with Leehan, it doesn't take much to abandon all logical and coherent thought. And it should bother Taesan more than it actually does, but right now he doesn't really care.

So, despite all his previous plans to just disappear into his room and hide from the world for the rest of the day, Taesan finds himself slowly melting under Leehan's sincere gaze.

taesan
im okay with that

+

They barely delve into their group project at Leehan's house. In fact, they don't talk about it at all as soon as Leehan lets Taesan through the double doors, the expansive interior catching him by surprise. 

It's all shiny floors, spiraling staircases and quality furniture, with most likely expensive abstract art lining the dark walls. In the middle of the ceiling is a sparkling chandelier, twinkling like tiny diamonds. And this is just the ground floor.

Leehan notices Taesan's shameless staring and ducks his head, ears pastel pink. 

"Thought you said your parents weren't loaded," Taesan comments, too cautious to even drop his bag on a chair in case he dirties something probably worth millions of won.

"I never said that, though," Leehan clarifies, kind of looking out of place. He's been that way since they entered his car, like he was anxious about what Taesan's reaction to his place would be. "And this is my grandma's house. I live with her, so."

Taesan nods, his naturally curious side taking flight. "Can I ask why?"

For a second he feels like Leehan won't give him a straight answer, but then Leehan says, "I got kicked out and sent here. But it's been alright, so it doesn't matter."

Leehan then gestures to Taesan's bag. "You can just leave that on the loveseat. That is, if we aren't going up to my room. Totally your choice, of course. And um, do you want anything to drink? No alcohol, though, ‘cause my grandma doesn't like that. But there's water, some fruit juice and – and soda."

Leehan is clearly rambling, tucking a stray strand of hair behind his ear while he navigates the insides of the glossy fridge. 

Taesan places his bag on the multicolored loveseat, feeling a tad sadistic for enjoying Leehan's stuttering so much. The guy's usually so confident in himself with better than average social skills, and this new side of him makes him somewhat endearing. 

"I'd like some fruit juice," Taesan says, letting himself relax into the cushiony couch. The crimson carpet is terribly soft under his feet.

"Apple, or cranberry?"

"Cranberry is fine. Thanks," Taesan replies, observing the fish tank situated to the right.

This is all so weird, but Taesan should've been used to it by now. In such a short period of time, Leehan has become such a familiar presence in his life, and he's unsure whether he likes it.

Leehan is soon bringing two glasses of juice over, handing Taesan one of them. "I got apple, since cranberry juice kinda grosses me out."

"Alien behavior," Taesan comments, which Leehan chuckles at. He's seated close to Taesan again, and now that his jacket is nowhere to be seen, his lean physique on display, it makes it all the more difficult for Taesan to ignore the hold Leehan has on him.

"So," Leehan starts after Taesan takes a sip of his drink. He's focused entirely on Taesan, eyes chasing after his every movement. It makes Taesan's chest swell with heat. "How are you feeling right now? Any better?"

Taesan shrugs, the cold cranberry juice easing some of his nerves. "I don't really know, to be honest."

"How so?"

"That's just how it is a majority of the time. I get withdrawn and numb, and at times nothing triggers those feelings. It just happens, and there isn't anything I can do about it." Taesan doesn't know why he's the one rambling now, but it does lighten the weight pressing on his shoulders. Kind of.

It helps that Leehan is actually listening, not just waiting for his chance to talk. Brows knitted in thought, he chews his lip.

He finally speaks up. "Do you like… discuss this with someone else?"

"Who?"

"Like, a professional."

Taesan just shakes his head, not even able to wrap his head around the whole concept. "I don't need to. I handle my problems just fine."

Leehan doesn't look that convinced, but he says nothing else concerning the matter. Rather, he places his empty glass on a coaster. "Do you wanna watch a movie?"

"I thought we were supposed to be working on the assignment," Taesan responds, though he's not too enthused about doing that either.

"We are, though. There's a movie of Emma we can watch to help us immerse ourselves into the rich, eventful world of the characters – or something like that. I can heat up some popcorn. That alright?"

Taesan nods. "Fine."

He doesn't realize how much time they spend watching movies until he finally tears his eyes away from the TV screen and notices the darkened windows, the unmistakable chorus of heavy rainfall outside. 

"Shit," Taesan mutters, fumbling for his phone underneath the thick blanket Leehan had gifted him hours ago. He texted his friends earlier so they wouldn't be worried about where he is, but he can't afford to leave his mom out of the loop.

Leehan's eyes rake over him, the TV screen illuminating his eyes and face. He looks soft from this angle. "Is everything good?"

Taesan stops typing a message to his mother, his head too cluttered to think clearly. "It's past five in the evening, and I have to be home soon."

"Oh." Leehan glances at the windows, also noting the absence of light and the aggressive rainfall. "It's alright, though. When the rain lets up I'll just drive you home. No biggie."

As if on cue – as if it's some cruel ass joke – the rain promptly descends with a vengeance. Then lightning strikes, igniting half the neighborhood.

Fuck.

Chapter Text

mom
Taesan where are you?

taesan
i'm at a friend's place since its raining a lot
i dont think i'll be back for a while
i think it's a storm

mom
Alright.

She doesn't say anything else, which means she doesn't find any faults in Taesan's excuse. Part of him wishes she’d try a bit harder to show that she cares, but asking that of her is like hoping for a cat to suddenly start speaking fluent Mandarin.

"What did your mom say?" Leehan asks just as he's finished throwing away all the snacks they emptied. With how low lit the living room is, the warmth of his presence has considerably amplified. His shoulder brushes Taesan's back, and sparks chase up his skin. 

Taesan bites his lip, stepping aside to face Leehan. "She's fine with it, I guess." 

Leehan grins, eyes creasing and sparkling like stars. Taesan looks away before he does something embarrassing. Like stare. "Good. And, since we don't know how long this weather's gonna last, do you wanna change into something more comfortable?"

Leehan's suggestion catches Taesan off-guard, despite it making perfect sense. "What?"

"I reckon you won't want to sleep in those jeans," Leehan says, looking down at Taesan's legs. He's just looking, yet Taesan feels a tad self-conscious. 

"Uh, yeah. I won't." Taesan loathes how anxious he's being even though there's literally no reason for it. It's not like Leehan is some stranger; they've known each other for a month. "Do you like, have anything…"

"Mhm. I have some sweatpants you could wear," Leehan tells him. He promptly switches on the lights in the living room, which casts the area in a soft beige glow. "Sorry, we kinda have to go up the stairs."

"My room's upstairs too, so I’m good with the stairs," Taesan says, because keeping quiet only fuels his erratically thumping heart. 

The journey to Leehan's room is silent, their only company the growling thunder, gushing rainfall, and lightning flashes. 

"Your grandma isn't home?" Taesan questions when they're on the second floor. It's smaller and less grandiose than the first, but still boasts of lavish furnishings and bold artwork. 

"She went on a trip with friends," Leehan casually answers while stepping into his room. He flicks the light switch. "She'll probably be back tomorrow or the day after."

His room has more space than furniture, which makes it appear a little sparse. The walls are a brooding chestnut brown – just like the dresser and wardrobe – and the window panes nearly span to the ceiling, exposing the turmoil currently taking place outside. His bed is wide with the sheets neatly arranged, just like the pictures lining his nightstand.

"So, this is my room. Nothing special," Leehan announces, before showing up with clothes that are, once again, neatly arranged. "You're like, the only person other than my relatives that has ever been in here."

"Oh." Taesan accepts the clothes, mind spiraling at the realization that he's about to wear something Leehan owns. "Don't know if I should feel honored or not."

"You kinda should be." Leehan nudges his arm. "I don't let just anyone into this place, y'know."

"What do you mean by that?" 

"Means you're sorta special," Leehan clarifies, smiling as he cards his fingers through his hair.

Taesan ignores how his heart squeezes at the statement, because confronting it will only make things more complicated than they need to be. Leehan is just being his usual cheeky self, and Taesan has no reason to start freaking out. 

So, he just schools his expression into one that's unreadable. "Where do I change?"

"Here should be fine," Leehan tells him. "Or if it's the bathroom you prefer, it's the second door to your left. I left an extra toothbrush there too – in case you wanna brush your teeth. It's also okay if you want to shower."

Taesan nods, too nervous to be amused by Leehan's obvious word vomit, and soon heads for the bathroom. It's spotless, with pretty, blue snowflake designs on the white walls. The floor tiles are so pristine he's pretty sure he can eat off of them. 

Taesan decides to shower. It’s immensely awkward under the downpour, but when he steps out he's glad he went along with it, more refreshed than before. He smells like peaches, and can't help but wonder if that's what Leehan smells like after showering.

Leehan's dark gray sweater and equally as gray sweatpants have a sprinkle of his cologne, as well as laundry detergent. Taesan slowly removes his outfit and pulls them on, involuntarily gulping when they fit him just fine. It's expected of course, since they're nearly the same height, but it still has Taesan feeling some type of way.

Taesan's face greets him in the mirror, familiar yet novel at the same time. He's worn something similar before, but it never left him this snug and warm. 

It's embarrassing how much Taesan observes himself – his body – while brushing his teeth, as if he hasn't looked the same since forever. His face is the same, hair's the same, yet he finds himself tweaking the few stray strands here and there after he rinses his mouth. He even rinses his face because he thinks he looks too exhausted. 

What the hell is wrong with me? Taesan can't help but think after the third attempt at adjusting his hair. He's not a slob, but he generally doesn't give a crap what people think about the way he looks. He really doesn't. So why is he being such a neat-freak about this whole ordeal?

"Stop being so fucking weird," Taesan groans at himself, before shoving his own clothes into his bag without a care in the world. 

The corridor is quiet and the air still, the only other light glowing from Leehan's room. Taesan doesn't know why, but he tip-toes all the way over, the comfy house slippers Leehan offered him making the journey easier.

The door to Leehan's room is slightly ajar. Of course, the normal option would be to knock, announce your presence, and wait for the person in the room to let you in. But…Taesan doesn't do that.

Instead, for some bizarre reason, he just lingers there, his eyes peering through the opening. Taesan soon notices the slender, radiant stretch of Leehan's back as he's shirtless, his golden brown hair a slight mess as he tugs it out of its hair tie. He shifts a bit, torso all sinewy muscle, revealing something else just below his right rib cage.

Something thin that stretches to his bellybutton. A scar. 

Realizing how fucking creepy this all is, Taesan takes a step back, but then bumps into the freaking wall in the process. His head singes at the impact, which he totally deserves for what he just did.

The door opens and there Leehan is, with a shirt on this time. Luckily, he doesn't look angry but concerned instead. "Woah, are you okay, Taesan?"

Taesan chews his lip, guilt gnawing his insides. He's able to shove all of it down however, like most of his emotions. "Just hurt my head a bit."

"Oh," Leehan begins, at a loss for words. It takes Taesan a second to grasp that Leehan's observing how he looks in his clothes. 

"Does it still hurt?" Leehan asks.

"Not really." Taesan straightens, then clears his throat. "I'll sleep on the couch downstairs."

"You can take my room," Leehan hurriedly suggests. "I'll sleep on the couch."

"It's your room," Taesan argues. "Why would I take it from you?"

Leehan chuckles, ever so casual. "I seriously don't mind, Taesan. Plus, I've slept on the couch many times before so it's no problem." 

Why? Taesan gets the urge to ask, but holds his tongue. Leehan always drops the most questionable info out of nowhere, and they leave him speechless every time. 

"I don't want to infringe your privacy," is what Taesan settles on.

"I'm the one who invited you over, aren’t I?" Leehan answers, his smile gentle. "So it's okay."

Taesan doesn't say anything else when Leehan leaves to go sleep on the couch. He leaves the lamp on then lands on Leehan's bed, uncomfortable as hell with how out of place he feels.

The rain continues pouring outside, ferocious, each bellow of thunder spooking Taesan more than the last. It doesn't help that he's in a very unfamiliar environment, which guarantees that if this continues he won't be getting any semblance of sleep tonight. And no sleep means a definite headache.

Taesan sighs, and reaches for his phone on the nightstand. Quickly reduces its brightness before it fucks with his brain, then scrolls through his contacts. He thinks about texting Riwoo, but the guy treasures his sleep, so he keeps scrolling.

Taesan's thumb stops on Leehan's name. His profile picture hasn't changed but Taesan lingers on his features a little longer than normal, eyes tracing over his sunny smile, bright brown eyes and the maltese in his arms. 

Taesan's not sure what makes him do it, but he's typing and sending something before he can think better of it.

taesan
um can you come upstairs
i kinda cant sleep in places im not used to

Why the fuck would you send that? Taesan chastises himself, perfectly aware of how insane his request sounds.

It's too late though, because Leehan has already read the message.

Taesan's breath hitches when a knock shatters the bedroom's silence, a soft "Taesan?" soon heard behind the door.

Taesan stands, his heart an intense thump, thump, thump under his ribs. His hand trembles as he twists open the doorknob, Leehan appearing a second later with his pillow.

It's a bit dark, but Taesan can still make out his smile.

"You said you couldn't sleep," Leehan reiterates, his voice barely above a whisper. It works its way into Taesan's head, a little dizzying. "I think I could fix that."

"I knew you were secretly boring," Taesan replies. He's actually teasing him. Maybe the sleep deprivation has finally gotten to Taesan. 

"Like how you're secretly a huge cutie?" Leehan replies.

Taesan flips him off, letting him enter. "Just keep me company, and shut up."

Leehan places his pillow on his bed, going as far as to adjust it. He then lies down and pats the space next to him. "Well, aren't you coming?"

Taesan scoffs, but shuts the door and takes his place beside Leehan anyway. It's a blessing his bed is so spacious, which allows Taesan some sense of personal space. He can't pretend that Leehan's close proximity doesn't drive him nuts, though.

"So, do you like, have night terrors?" Leehan asks that very moment, his deeper voice easily filling the room. "Or are you super scared of thunderstorms?"

Taesan can't believe Leehan has chosen this as a suitable topic to talk about. He blinks up at the ceiling. "No, I'm not scared of thunderstorms. Neither do I have night terrors or whatever."

"I used to be, though, as a kid," Leehan says. He's staring at the ceiling too. "Scared of thunder, I mean. Then my mom said to think of it as the sky releasing a giant burp. It made every thunderstorm after that sound hilarious."

Right then, thunder echoes above the roof, and taking what Leehan just told him into account, Taesan finds it more amusing than frightening. 

"Okay, I hear it a little," Taesan admits, shutting his eyes.

"Right?" Leehan chuckles. After a while of them just listening to the rain outside, he speaks up again. "...I want to ask you something."

"What?" Taesan doesn't have to open his eyes to know that Leehan's looking at him.

"On Tuesday when you were absent, Riwoo said you were busy," Leehan begins slowly. "So I went to your place and you didn't look so good. I want to know why."

Taesan opens his eyes, taking a second to tolerate the darkness. "Why are you asking?"

"I'm curious," Leehan reveals. "About you, and why you're the way you are."

"The way I am?"

"Untouchable." Leehan is grinning when Taesan faces him. "Mysterious."

Taesan laughs in disbelief. "You think I'm mysterious."

"Yep," Leehan says. "I can't get a read on you a majority of the time. And that only makes me want to know more about you."

Taesan shrugs. "I'm not an interesting person."

Leehan sits up, his back resting against the bed-frame. "Try me." 

"I'm serious," Taesan insists. "I don't have much going for me. All I get are dumb headaches."

"Headaches?"

Taesan contemplates changing the topic, but he realizes there really isn’t a reason to do so. Leehan is harmless. "I get headaches. Have been for years, so I take medication for it and get regular health check-ups to make sure everything's good. Nothing more to it."

All Taesan hears is Leehan's steady breathing mixed with the rainfall for a moment, but then he talks.

"So that's why you were absent on Tuesday?"

"Yep."

"Well. That fucking sucks."

Leehan's bluntness makes Taesan snort. "I'm well aware."

Taesan notices Leehan isn't responding so he looks up, only to see that Leehan's just staring at him. "...What?"

"Did you just laugh?"

"So I can't laugh?"

"No – I mean, yes. Yes you can." Leehan struggles to articulate his thoughts. "I just – Your laugh sounds nice."

It's awkward again so Taesan doesn't know what exactly to say, at first. But the somber atmosphere soon gets to him. 

"I'm sorry for what I said earlier," he begins, playing with his fingers. "About you having a savior complex. I realize now that you were just trying to be nice, and I was being unnecessarily mean, so."

Leehan nudges Taesan's shoulder good-naturedly. "S'all good, Taesan. Had even forgotten about it until you brought it up."

"Yeah, well, I was a huge dick then."

"What about the other times you were a huge dick to me, huh? Gonna apologize for those too?"

Taesan's nose scrunches. "I only have enough energy for one apology per day, thank you very much."

The sound of Leehan's bright laughter tickles Taesan's chest. "Alright, Han Taesan."

Taesan has arrived at the conclusion that he's starting to like Leehan a lot.

+

The rain ceases sometime in the early morning, leaving a dreary type of atmosphere and thick, ominous clouds. The darkness has mostly cleared up but outside is all gray, a scene straight out of a horror film.

That doesn’t dissuade Leehan from waking up in a good mood. He's on cloud nine, even, because right next to him is Taesan, the guy situated under the covers and currently fast asleep. 

Taesan looks so peaceful while he sleeps, like all of his problems have been wiped off. Like this, his hair looks softer than ever, and Leehan is sure that if he concentrates hard enough, he’d count every single one of Taesan's eyelashes. 

That'd be incredibly weird, however, so Leehan slides off his bed as quietly as he can so he won't wake Taesan up. Leehan knows he probably needs it.

The analog clock on the wall reads 5:41AM, which sounds about right. Leehan's gotten used to being up and about at insane hours in the morning, but this time around, he's not going to spend it out on a jog. 

Fortunately, Taesan doesn't stir, as still as a rock. Leehan has to wonder if he's usually a heavy sleeper or if he exudes such an amazingly comfortable aura that Taesan was able to easily let down his walls around him. Nope, it's definitely the first option.

Leehan grabs a spare hoodie and pulls it on as he rushes down the spiraling staircase. The speed alone almost makes him dizzy, but he doesn't care. He has to make the most of this moment.

Leehan plans on making breakfast. Often, after jogging he only has enough energy to make some toast and eggs, or just plain ol' cereal. But now that someone new is here – someone that Leehan seriously wants to impress – he accepts he'd have to go above and beyond this time around.

First Leehan gets started on the pancakes, making enough to satisfy two people, even more. He's pretty confident in his skills, as he'd learned from his mother how to make the fluffiest, tastiest pancakes ever known to mankind. 

He then adds juicy strawberries to the mix, as he'd seen Taesan eating a lot of fruit at school.

Leehan is aware he can be a bit of a perfectionist, and go overboard at times. He keeps adjusting the meal because Taesan is here, and he just wants to make a nice breakfast for him. 

By the time everything's done, the living room has considerably lightened, faint sunshine seeping through the curtains. But Leehan's barely tired, the thought of him and Taesan having breakfast together an invigorating catalyst. 

Leehan begins plating the meals, a rhythm to his step. He's even whistling, making sure the food looks as aesthetically pleasing as possible. Like he could take a picture of it right now and post it on Instagram without any further editing.

He's pouring some juice when footsteps are heard, inching closer to where he stands. 

"Leehan."

Leehan swiftly turns around and sees Taesan there, still dressed in his clothes. He then remembers how weirdly flushed he felt when he saw Taesan in them last night, unable to tear his eyes away. Leehan has always been aware of how gorgeous Taesan looks more than half the time, but right then Leehan gets the urge to photograph him so he’d never forget.

And now with Taesan looking so cuddly in Leehan's sweater, Leehan wants to hold him and never let go. 

"Hey, Taesan. Good morning," Leehan greets instead, a smile effortlessly forming on his face.

Taesan gives a small wave, then looks away. So cute. "Hi."

"How was your night?"

"It was fine, I guess."

"I uh – " Leehan wrings his hands together. "I made breakfast. It's kind of a lot, but I tend to cook way too much food when I'm nervous, so."

He cringes, wanting to smack himself. Why did he say that out loud?

Taesan smirks – actually smirks – lips curling playfully. "So I make you nervous."

Leehan busies himself with placing the plates on the dining table. "No offense, but you're kind of an intimidating guy."

"Thanks, I try." 

Taesan still helps arrange the food, though, even when Leehan tells him he doesn't need to.

"It's sort of crazy," Leehan admits once they're finally seated across from each other. "I just got so into it and made too much food when we have school in like, three hours."

"Don't worry," Taesan reassures, eating one of the strawberries decorating his pancakes. Leehan's chest warms at the sight. "I'm good with it. I usually eat cereal for breakfast, so this is a nice change. Also Riwoo texted me that school's closed for today, so."

"Oh." Something like this was expected, but Leehan can't help but feel like the universe is on his side right now. "That sucks."

Taesan snorts, but quickly hides it with his hand. "You're so bad at acting."

"Well acting's never been my strong suit," Leehan agrees. He can't divert his gaze when Taesan cuts a second piece of the pancakes for himself, which means he likes it.

Taesan notices his stare in record timing. "What is it?"

Leehan ducks his head, ears hot. "Nothing." He probably looks so stupid right now just smiling at nothing, but he really can't help it. 

"You're so strange at times, Leehan," Taesan comments, but his tone isn't hostile or mean. He’s teasing him again. In fact, he's been like this since yesterday afternoon, and Leehan is absolutely digging the change.

"I'll take that as a compliment, because normal is boring," Leehan replies.

Taesan rolls his eyes, but smiles soon after. It's a small one, but it's the real deal.

They continue with their breakfast, occasionally engaging in light banter that only eases the tension in the air. Leehan can't ever forget that night he felt something much more for Taesan, but moments like these where they're genuinely friendly and content with each other are ones he knows he'll always treasure.

+

Leehan decides to drop Taesan off once they're done freshening up. It's around ten and the weather's gotten better over the last few hours. The beaming sun peers through the thinning clouds as Leehan nears Taesan's house, the both of them enveloped in silence.

Leehan wants to break it, wants to say what's on his mind in regards to what happened that night, but he doesn't want to ruin the calm, peaceful vibe they've got. Taesan's actually enjoying his company for the first time ever. He'd be a dumbass if he fucks it up now.

Still, the memory lingers in Leehan's head, weighing a ton. He can't seem to think about anything else, unable to fully indulge in the soft wind coasting through his locks and the sun's tepid heat on his skin. 

"We're here," he announces just as the car stops in front of Taesan's house. Leehan wishes the trip was longer even though he's aware it'll only burn more gas. "Home sweet home."

It's pretty, like it was the last time Leehan came here, but the more he stares at it, the more it feels like a picture perfect façade drawn up to hide the real horrors inside.

Leehan knows he's being dramatic as hell, but the way Taesan's smile dims upon seeing his house isn't a figment of his imagination. 

"See you Monday?" Leehan says, because he's pretty sure Taesan isn't going to show up to his workplace on a weekend.

"Yeah," Taesan nods, before grabbing his bag and stepping out of the vehicle. His presence is immediately missed, and inside the car becomes a little too cold.

Leehan doesn't realize he's watching until Taesan pauses at the door and turns, staring directly at him.

'Go away, Leehan,' he mouths, but there's a smile there too, reaching his brown eyes.

"Sure!" Leehan yells a bit too loudly for this time of day, causing Taesan to glare sharply at him.

Leehan laughs, then drives off. So worth it, he thinks, proud of himself.

Leehan's phone suddenly trills from the cell phone mount, displaying a caller ID that knocks off his smile as easily as it came. 

It’s tempting to ignore the call, but Sangwook has a very irritating way of never giving up, and making your life hell if you allow him to wait. Also it could be about Joohyuk, so Leehan’s better off just answering him as soon as he can.

So he accepts the call, and waits for the man to speak.

"Leehan."

"What is it, Dad?" Leehan replies, cutting right to the chase. He's lived with his father long enough to know how he operates. And wellness checks are not in his vocabulary. 

Sangwook sighs, which means he's displeased. But Leehan couldn't care less. "What are you doing right now?"

"Just taking a refreshing drive," Leehan dead-pans, the conversation already as excruciating as pulling teeth. But as always, Sangwook doesn't get the hint. Or he does , but the only thing he gives a crap about is himself.

"Mentally sound, I presume?" Sangwook replies, and on instinct Leehan's knuckles tighten over the steering wheel. Sangwook even has the nerve to sound amused, like he's right there in the car with Leehan, seeing his reaction in real time.

"What are you talking about?" Leehan asks, even though he knows why Sangwook is saying this in the first place. It doesn't prevent Leehan from gritting his teeth, however.

"Well, with what happened in the past you can't fault me for being worried," Sangwook answers. He tries to sound innocent and unassuming, which is how he behaves when he wants something to hurt a little more. "And I have to be mindful of Joohyuk's safety."

Leehan has to refrain from spewing certain words that'll only make things worse. "I've been nothing but a good brother to Joohyuk, and you know that."

"I gave you some leeway by allowing you to bring Joohyuk straight home after school. Straight home. You know what that means, Leehan? It means you can't bring him over to Sangmi's house. You got that, right?"

"So I can't spend time with my own brother." Leehan picks at his nails so hard they redden and ache, threatening to bleed.

"You lost the right to that after crashing my goddamn car."

Leehan can't take it anymore. He parks and grabs the phone, his heartbeat roaring in his ears.

"I get it," Leehan begins. "You're angry because I'm the only person left that reminds you of Mom. And you want to ruin my life because of it. But you don't get to fucking ruin my relationship with Joohyuk too. And guess what? Mom's death anniversary is on October 28th, only three weeks away and eight days after my birthday. You forgot the last time, so I thought I should remind you again. You're welcome."

Sangwook grumbles and hisses like a truck running out of fuel, and while Leehan knows he shouldn't be like this, he's elated he gets to fuck up Sangwook's day like he did his. Leehan hates being petty and stooping low, but talking to the man brings out the absolute worst in him.

"Anything else you want to add, Dad?" Leehan finishes. Sangwook doesn't reply, so he cuts the call. Normally, Leehan never stands up to him because he still allows him to see Joohyuk – something he always takes advantage of. Now, however, Leehan's seething on the inside, and needs a release.

It comes in the form of Ji Myunghee's place. Any other day Leehan would've avoided it like the plague, but he's seeking an escape.

It's fine for the most part, as there are like seven other people included who he knows and believes are harmless. Leehan avoids the booze, but does accept a soda, hoping it’d relieve him of some stress.

Some R&B track plays from the bluetooth speakers, sultry and hypnotic, and Leehan sinks further into the leather sofa and foces himself to shut his eyes.

But the peaceful moment doesn't last long as he feels someone next to him before he sees them. It's Chayoung, her foxy eyes glinting with mischief. Beside her is Junmin, a matching look on his face. They're both grinning like a pair of Cheshire cats.

Leehan adjusts his position, a bit irked but not too annoyed. "What is it?"

"Pizza?" Chayoung offers a box, and Leehan takes a slice. "We were kind of wondering why you're no longer at Woosang Prep. Did you like, get kicked out?"

Leehan takes a bite of the pizza to clear his thoughts. "Don't wanna talk about it."

Junmin's eyes brighten, his smile getting even wider. "Well, shit. That means you did something super fucked then. What did you do? Rob a bank? Drug a teacher? Crash a fucking car?"

"They all sound so fun," Leehan lies, obviously being sarcastic. But they don't get it, predictably. He knows Taesan would. "But I didn't do any of that. Dad just wanted to move closer to home."

Leehan's not telling the whole truth, and Chayoung and Junmin don't fully look like they believe him, either, but Leehan doesn't really care. 

He takes another bite of the pizza. "Anything else?"

Leehan's sure his boring answer would send them scuttling away like mice, but instead two new faces join the circle.

One of them is Heesun, Chayoung's friend, and the other's a guy named Wonsik. Leehan sees him around at lunch, but it's clear their interests cannot be any more different.

Leehan watches as he chugs down a beer, obviously more drunk than everyone else here.

"What are you guys talking about?" Heesun asks. Her eyes are fucking glazed over, and she blows out a cloud of cigarette smoke. The fiery orange tip unsettles Leehan.

"My amazingly interesting life, apparently," Leehan comments, looking away, which elicits some laughs. He wasn't trying to be funny, but it's clear these guys are only engaging with him because he's 'wealthy', especially when he acts nothing like them. They're insufferable, but he's in need of some company at the moment.

Wonsik takes another swig of his booze. "You know Jiwon, right? Kim Jiwon."

Leehan nods, not knowing where he plans on taking this. "Yes, I do."

"Well she said that she saw you leave with Han Taesan at Sieun's party," Wonsik continues. "And you guys didn't show up again for the rest of the night."

Leehan's jaw clenches, and he forces himself to remain composed. The condensed drink in his hand certainly helps mitigate the flush crawling up his neck. "What are you trying to say, Wonsik?"

"You tell me, man. You like, gay for him or something?" Wonsik cackles.

"So if I hang out alone with another guy, it's automatically gay?" Leehan questions. He tries to stay calm, but his thoughts are starting to spiral. Fuck.

Wonsik raises his hands in defense. "Woah, chill Leehan. It's just that Han Taesan is probably part of the rainbow squad, if you know what I mean. Wouldn't want all that rubbing off on you."

"Shut up, Wonsik," Chayoung berates. "You're spilling beer everywhere."

"Saw your search history, Chayoungie," Wonsik tells her. "You're into that dick on dick shit, aren't you?"

"Really?" Junmin cuts in, a disturbing smile on his face. "But then again, lesbian porn is hot as fuck, so it's probably the same for girls."

It’s way too much. Leehan's on his feet in seconds, and they barely notice as they're too occupied shredding each other for their kinks. He beelines for the kitchen and pours some cold water for himself, hoping it clears his head.

As Leehan downs it, a guy shows up and rummages through the fridge, his silence grabbing Leehan's attention.

He recognizes the guy soon enough. "Myung Jaehyun, right?"

Jaehyun startles, like he didn't expect Leehan to remember his name. He's kind of an anomaly, the quietest out of the jocks Leehan knows, and he actually seems quite nice, if not a little shy. "Yep, the one and only."

"Sweet," Leehan beams, glad he got his name right.

They both don't say a word for a while, until Jaehyun breaks it, surprisingly. 

"You look bored."

Leehan shrugs, finishing the rest of his water. "Can't say I'm a huge fan of this. Can't drink either, so."

"I totally get it," Jaehyun chuckles, nose scrunching. "But it can be fun sometimes. And by sometimes, I mean when you don't take a single word they say seriously."

Leehan cracks a laugh too, better now that he's with someone he likes more than everyone else here.

Chapter Text

It's cold here. The kind of cold that seeps beneath your skin and into your chest, every inhale an effort to cut through thick ice.

Taesan can't move for a second, an array of tubes jabbed deep into his arm. They look just as terrifying as they were the first time he saw them, only this time he doesn't try to rip them out. No one had been there to stop Taesan then, which made him learn things the hard way.

The overbearing chill gets to Taesan's brain until he can't stand it anymore, and then he's slipping off the thin, stiff bed, goosebumps racing up his body as his feet make contact with the vinyl flooring.

The antiseptic smell is nauseating, nearly making Taesan dizzy. He wants to hide away from the stench, but the IV drip stand remains there, stubborn, limiting every action he makes.

That's when Taesan sees it. Three toy race cars are stacked in the wooden cupboard on the other side of the room. He loves them, as he's always liked cars.

Taesan knows what will happen so he tries to will himself out of it, but his frail, fourteen-year-old self is too eager, putting all his might into dragging the heavy IV drip stand with him.

Taesan succeeds at grabbing his favorite one – hot red with the bright orange flames. He doesn't like it here, and the clothes suck, but he's thinking the polished floors could be a good enough racetrack.

Taesan is about to test it out when he hears noise coming from behind the pink bathroom door. He knows it's the bathroom because he's dashed in there many times to throw up, or to pee with the assistance of a few nurses.

"No, Kwangho! You can't," Taesan hears, realizing it's probably his mother because of how shrill her voice gets when she's mad. And she's really mad.

"I can't fucking do this anymore, Jihye." It's his dad this time around, his voice frustrated and harsh. Even though he's been gone for a while, the anger in his voice still haunts Taesan in his dreams. "How long has this been going on? Nearly a year, Jihye! Nearly a year."

"He has cancer, Kwangho," Taesan's mother spits, her voice like the worst venom. "Cancer! The least you could do is be there for him because you're his father. But here you are, trying to avoid your responsibilities. I had to call you like, what? Three fucking times to get you to come here this morning! Is that what a father should be doing?"

Taesan has replayed this conversation countless times before in his head, but he's never prepared for the next words.

"I can't be arsed into caring for some sick child," his dad growls. He's brazen, so furious that Taesan fears right then that he'd do something to his mother. Taesan always does, but the man never did.

"That sick child is your son. Dongmin is your son," Taesan's mother presses, but her voice has lost its spark.

"Dongmin is no son of mine. I don't raise sick kids."

By now, Taesan knows he's crying, but back then he wasn't even sure 'cause he was still reeling from the shock.

Anyway, Taesan's father exits right then. Doesn't even spare him a glance as he stomps out of the hospital room. His mother chases right after him, too busy trying to get him to stay to comfort Taesan.

Taesan's eyes open to nothing but darkness, but he doesn't get the chance to adjust to it before he's rushing to the toilet and throwing up the contents of his stomach, the acrid taste making things worse.

He soon flushes away the gross remnants and brushes his teeth, wanting to quickly get rid of the horrid aftertaste.

Fearing he'll get yet another shitty headache, Taesan marches back into his room to grab some painkillers. As he's about to shovel them down his throat, the door slams open, someone new stepping in. Her perfume is unfortunately distinctive.

He doesn't bother trying to hide himself; she's already seen him.

"You haven't eaten yet," his mother states the obvious as she crosses her arms. "And yet you're taking pills."

"I don't want a headache," Taesan reasons, far too tired to argue with her so early in the morning.

"You can't be having headaches all the time, Taesan," she says. "We went to the doctors last Tuesday and they said everything was fine."

Taesan's jaw hardens, but forces his face to remain composed. He can't afford to lash out as it'll only ruin the rest of the day. "I know."

"So you need to cut down on them," Mom continues, snatching the pill bottle from Taesan's hand. "Only take what you've been prescribed. I don't want you becoming dependent on them."

I already am . Taesan grits his teeth, his patience wearing thin. "Give it back."

"No," his mom replies, her eyes narrowed and shoulders squared. It's how Taesan knows there's nothing he can do to change her mind on this matter. "You're eating breakfast right now , and then you're going to take a shower and get ready for school. Understood?"

Taesan glares at her, but it has no effect. After all, things like these don't work on the person they originated from.

Mina joins them minutes into breakfast, happily content when Taesan dumps the rest of his bacon on her plate. His mother doesn't say a word, but Taesan knows she'll comment on it later.

Taesan quickly finishes his meager breakfast, feeling like a fucking time bomb about to explode as he goes to take a shower. He's about to lose his mind.

Taesan doesn't think as he dries himself and pulls on some clothes. Jeans, shirt, jacket, left sock, right sock, right shoe, left shoe. Taesan isn't even aware that he's done and he's just staring at nothing until his phone starts to ring.

It's Riwoo.

"Good morning, Tae! " he chirps, excited as ever. And Taesan kind of envies how positive he is, even when it's Monday morning. "I'm on my way to pick you up. You don't need to reply, just wanted to let you know."

"Okay," Taesan mumbles, combing his hair and then grabbing his bag.

"Oh I don't like that tone, mister," Riwoo teases, but there's an undercurrent of worry in there. " Trouble in paradise ?"

"I just fucking hate mornings."

"Can't disagree with you there, man," Riwoo replies. "But really. You're good, right?"

"I've felt better," Taesan admits. "Don't really want to talk about it."

"I totally understand. How 'bout we just skip school and head over to Arin's place?" Riwoo says, referring to his older sister. He's completely sincere, and although Taesan doesn't say it much, he's really lucky to have someone like Riwoo in his life.

Taesan chuckles, though it's more empty air than anything else. "She'd have your head, then feed it to her crazy chihuahua."

"Gruesome, but kinda accurate." No words are exchanged for a few seconds, and then Riwoo speaks up again. "I'm hereee."

Taesan leaves his room right then, hoping he's able to go through the rest of the day unscathed.

But Taesan has never been lucky in life anyway, because it's in the biology lab class that his ears ring and that oh so familiar pulsing heat flares his entire head.

Taesan's sandwiched between Riwoo and Leehan, and it's Leehan who notices first.

"You okay?" he questions, and while his voice is usually pleasing to hear, it doesn't work this time around. He leans closer, his cologne not helping the discomfort. "Headache?"

Taesan doesn't get the chance to reply, because Mr Byun is looking right at him. He then gestures at the board.

"Han!" he yells, and here's the thing about loud voices: they absolutely fucking make headaches worse. "Can you tell the class a possible hypothesis for the lab we're working on today?"

Taesan doesn't reply, because when headaches like these roll around, he no longer pretends to care.

"I have one," Riwoo says, noticing how quiet Taesan has gotten.

"It's alright, Riwoo. I'd like to hear from Dongmin this time around."

The name shoves Taesan back to the nightmare he had earlier, and just like that, his mood plummets.

"Sir," Leehan starts, voice taking that slightly authoritative tone it always has when he wants to be heard and listened to. "I don't think Taesan's feeling too well. I'd like to go with him to the nurse's office."

Mr Byun doesn't back down, however. "I'd like to hear it from Han Taesan himself, hm?"

His voice is just the right type of irritating to get Taesan's blood boiling. He's normally a cool-headed person, but headaches have a way of completely destroying his resolve.

"I don't feel well," Taesan snaps with gritted teeth. The classroom is completely silent. "Can I be excused?"

"Not with that tone."

Taesan stands up, snatches his things and exits the classroom.

+

Of course, this lands Taesan straight into the principal's office after school ends, with a very pissed off mother seated right next to him.

"Of course, things should be alright as long as your son doesn't cause any more scenes in his classes, Mrs Han," Principal Park concludes, clasping his beefy hands together.

"Ms Kim," Taesan's mother corrects, the veins in her neck popping out. It has no effect on Taesan, though he can't say the same for Principal Park, who gulps. "And I can assure you, this won't happen again."

"I'll take your word for it, ma'am." The man then looks at Taesan. "Be good, kid. And stay in school. Don't disappoint your parents, alright?"

"How about you mind your own business," Taesan snarls, and Principal Park just clears his throat, uncomfortable. Taesan rolls his eyes, and, figuring they're already dismissed, storms out of the office.

"What do you think you're doing?" his mother lashes out as soon as the door closes. "Is this some kind of rebelling phase you're going through?"

Taesan sighs. "No, it's not."

"Then tell me what it is, Taesan. Because I just don't understand."

"I wasn't feeling well, and it made me act out," Taesan answers, because telling her he had another headache would make her even more irritated.

"Taesan."

"It's fine, Mom. I'm not in trouble, so you can go back to work."

The woman inhales a deep, shaky breath, probably glad she's able to avoid this for a while. "We'll talk about this later."

No we won't. "Sure."

Taesan watches as she leaves, and when he turns he notices a pair of round brown eyes and long, wavy hair. It's Leehan, the guy looking like a deer caught in headlights.

"It's official. You're stalking me," Taesan concludes. He doesn't sound as mad as he wants, though, but he's finding it harder and harder to get mad at Leehan.

Leehan lingers by the wall for a moment, then shifts closer when it's obvious that Taesan isn't leaving for now. "Okay, I admit it, I happened to see you and your mom talking. But I didn't eavesdrop – and I'm not a stalker."

"Sure," Taesan says. It's then he realizes they're the only ones around here, and Principal Park isn't coming out of his heavily air-conditioned, glorified man cave anytime soon.

Leehan stares at him, studying his face. "Are you okay?"

"Why do you keep asking me that?"

"Because I care about you," Leehan replies. He spreads his arms, smiling at Taesan's confusion. "Don't worry, no one's around."

It's so crazy how easily Leehan does what he wants – whenever he wants – despite the type of judgment that might come his way. Despite the real possibility of getting his advances rejected.

But Taesan is even crazier, because here he is, stepping closer to let Leehan hug him. Leehan's arms are firm and strong around his waist, but not overbearingly so. And now that Taesan's headache has subsided, he's able to appreciate how nice Leehan smells. Vanilla and cinnamon, he guesses.

There's a flutter in Taesan's chest when Leehan casually strokes the back of his head.

"See? A good hug can make everything better," Leehan says after they separate, his dimpled smile all toothy and charming.

"Don't flatter yourself," Taesan replies, punching the guy's shoulder. Leehan makes a show of pretending he's hurt, and it's so goofy and dumb that Taesan has to laugh.

Taesan doesn't know, but he thinks he can get used to this.

+

A lot of things happen over the course of the week. When Taesan is free he hangs out with Riwoo at his house, playing video games or indulging in his mom's rich, tasty jajangmyeon. 

If Taesan's not doing that however, he's at Leehan's house, the two of them working on their literature presentation. And by working, Taesan means designing the powerpoint and copying down the given information, because he's seriously not good at research and Leehan is surprisingly a whiz at that sort of nerdy stuff. Taesan even meet his grandma Sangmi once, and although she seems nice enough, Taesan's glad he doesn't see her again the other times he's there.

Speaking of grandmas, his dad's mother shows up that Friday evening while he's doing his math homework on the dining table. Her presence is unexpected, and it's when Taesan's mom is greeting her by the door that Taesan realizes she'd planned it without them knowing. Without him knowing.

Of course, seeing the parent of the person who fucked up your life irreversibly isn't something you take lightly. It's even worse when they resemble said person too, because now all the work you've done this past week to forget those horrible memories unravels right before your eyes, dragging you back to square one. 

Taesan's mother is laughing with her, but all Taesan can do is stiffen up in his chair.

"It's so good to be back, dear," his father's mother – Dahyun – says, bundled up in a thick coat with that same red scarf she always wears wrapped around her neck. Taesan's mom is handling her bags, and Taesan knows it's only a matter of time before she calls him over.

Taesan slams the math textbook shut just as Mina prances down the stairs, her jaw hanging open when she spots Dahyun.

"Grandma!" she shrieks, rushing up to meet her. The woman has always been on the shorter side, so Mina already towers over her.

"My love," Dahyun coos, hugging Mina tight. She's had a soft spot for Mina since forever, as Mina was only eight when everything happened, and had spent most of the time with her while their parents sorted out their divorce. "I hope you didn't miss me too much."

Mina vigorously shakes her head. "You'll be here again for Christmas, right?"

"Of course I will, darling."

Taesan wonders how easy it'd be to just disappear up the stairs and into his room without anyone noticing. He reckons it could be possible, because as the problematic middle child, he's been ignored or pushed aside way too many times to count. 

Unfortunately, luck isn't on Taesan's side this time around. But when has it ever been?

"Taesan?" his mother calls out, her voice pleasant but holding that serious edge that lets Taesan know he's got literally no chance of backing out of this. "Grandma's here, so come greet her."

Forcing on a smile that hides his reluctance underneath, Taesan finally emerges from his corner so his grandmother can see him.

Dahyun yanks him into a tight hug before he can even greet her, and if he wasn't so tall Taesan's pretty sure he would've snapped in half at the impact. She even smells the same, this particular floral scent that's similar to drowning in roses. 

"It's so good to see you again, my handsome grandson," Dahyun whispers while rubbing Taesan's back. It reminds him of how different she is in comparison to her son, even though they look alike. She didn't run off like he did, but like everything else that has to do with his father, Taesan's wary around her. "I hope you've been well. Less health issues, I imagine?"

Taesan clears his throat, stepping away from her. "I still get headaches, but I'm doing alright, grandma."

"That's good, Taesan." Dahyun grins like she means it, then clasps her hands together. "Now, how about some doenjang jjigae for dinner?"

"Yes!" Mina exclaims, almost always in the mood for food.

"But you just came," Taesan's mother says, her brows furrowing in worry. "I'll focus on making dinner."

"And you just came home after hours of long work," Dahyun argues. "So just rest, and I'll whip up the meals in no time."

Taesan's mother sighs. "Fine, but Taesan will help."

Taesan snaps back into focus. "What?"

"Is that okay, Taesan?" his grandmother asks him. Taesan wonders if she knows the real reason why his mother's making him help her. It's so obvious she wants them to strengthen their bond, but that's kind of impossible when the very image of the woman triggers him.

Nevertheless, Taesan nods along, not wanting to start something tonight. He finds himself wishing that Riwoo was here, because he's always been good at making Taesan feel at ease.

It's a well-known fact that Taesan can't cook to save his life, so Dahyun puts him in charge of the chopping, stirring and the washing. 

They don't talk much, and that's just fine with Taesan. That is, until the woman asks him about school.

"It's fine," Taesan replies, giving the most basic answer.

"That's good," Dahyun says after tasting the bubbling stew. "Are you also having fun with your friends?"

"I guess."

"...Is there also any girl you like at school?"

Taesan stops washing the plates, glad his back is facing her. "No, there isn't."

Dahyun doesn't probe further, and once the stew, rice and a couple other side dishes are ready, everyone gathers at the dinner table to eat.

Taesan doesn't eat much, but Dahyun and his mother don't notice as they're fully engaged in conversation.

He's adding some extra pork to Mina's plate when the topic shifts from work to Taehyun.

"How is he?" Dahyun questions. "Has he called recently?"

Taesan's mother smiles, but it's forced and brittle. "Well, you know how he is. He's in university, so he's always busy with his classes over there." 

"He still needs to call his mother more often," Dahyun comments, and Taesan makes the conscious effort to finish his food faster.

Taesan exhales a large sigh of relief when he's finally back inside his room. Not bothering to turn on the lights, he sinks into his bed and grabs his phone to distract himself. He doesn't want to think about tonight.

Seeing multiple texts from the group chat and even some from Leehan reduces the acute pressure on Taesan's chest.

riwooo
taesan
taesan
taesan

riwooo
u arent responding
are u okayyy

riwooo
type SOS if ur in danger

park sungho !
im pretty sure taesan is fine

riwooo
and im pretty sure taesans the only one who can answer that

riwooo
but for now im just gonna assume the monsters under his bed have finally eaten him alive

park sungho !
wow 🙄

taesan
guys i have arrived

park sungho !
see? taesan IS fine

riwooo
omg taesan is that rlly u??

taesan
mhm

riwooo
omg omg omg

Taesan laughs, watching in amusement as Sungho and Riwoo begin yet another friendly argument. Knowing his presence won't be missed for a while, Taesan moves on to Leehan's messages, his heart thumping in anticipation.

leehan
I know you'll call me cheesy again but idrc

leehan
Hope you're having a great night :)

leehan
I also ate some samgyeopsal for dinner
This guy Jaehyun recommended a nice place

leehan
What did you eat?

Jaehyun? Taesan gets the urge to ask who he is but decides to keep his mouth shut in the end. The last thing he wants to sound like is some clingy partner.

taesan
my grandma came over so we made some doenjang jjigae

leehan
That sounds super yummy 

taesan
ew

leehan
You're hurting my feelings here Tae :')

Taesan can't help but smile at the nickname slip, and grips his pillow as he waits for Leehan's reply. And Leehan doesn't disappoint.

leehan
My shift ends early tomorrow. Wanna hang out at my place after that?

They're basically done with the paired assignment, so Taesan technically has no reason to keep going to Leehan's house. But his offer does sound tempting.

taesan
idk. if i have the time, i will

leehan
Sweet :)

taesan
also, i have a question

leehan
Hm?

taesan
the dog in your profile

leehan
Ohhh Cecilia
Um
She died like two years ago
But she was lovely. Very lovely

Taesan's at a loss for words.

taesan
damn
i'm sorry leehan

leehan
No it's okayy
I'm actually kinda glad you asked, cause it means you're interested in my life

taesan
my condolences have been revoked

leehan
Nooooo
Kind of a dick move tbh 

taesan
idc

leehan
You suck

taesan
and you swallow

Taesan doesn't know where that came from, but it's too late to take it back now. Now, he's panicking. Why the fuck would he make a joke like that?

leehan is typing…

Taesan isn't breathing when Leehan abruptly stops, before typing something up again.

What the hell is he typing? Taesan thinks, his thoughts a mess.

leehan
I have to go now Taesan
My grandma's calling me

Taesan exhales the breath he'd been holding.

taesan
oh okay
ttyl then

leehan
I will 

Taesan then notices that Leehan has updated his profile picture, so he clicks on it, the photo flashing on the screen. It's a sunset, golden and captivating and so pretty, showcasing a depth that immediately makes it one of the best pictures Taesan's ever seen. Did Leehan take this himself?

It immediately dawns on Taesan that Leehan's right. He is interested in his life. Very interested, in fact. And it's terrifying.

+

It's loud, it's cold, and the minimal space available between each student isn't that different to how sardines get stuffed together. Taesan is at a football game, and he can't say he's particularly fond of this atmosphere.

Riwoo was the one who convinced him to go, and Sungho had agreed with him (something he rarely ever does, to be honest), stating that while he doesn't like the games, he's totally down for the vibes.

So now here's Taesan, sandwiched between the both of them, checking his phone for the third time since the cheer team began their formations and chants. The music has so much bass Taesan can feel his bones vibrating, but he ignores the annoyance brimming in his gut to read over his and Leehan's last conversation. Taesan's bummed when he sees that Leehan still hasn't read the message he sent him four hours ago, even though it doesn't show on his face.

Leehan had said he'd make it to the game to keep Taesan company, and that was just this morning. And Taesan had kinda psyched himself for it, imagining how the whole thing would go with Leehan officially hanging out with him and his other friends for the first time. 

But Taesan can't say he didn't expect Leehan's absence. In fact, Leehan had been acting a bit different since their literature class presentation. It was the subtle type of different, the one where he still handed out his bright smiles whenever he could and still showcased his goofy side whenever they texted. 

But then, when he thought no one else was looking, his smile would drop. Sometimes, he'd even miss school, or reply Taesan hours later after he'd sent a message. 

Of course, Taesan can't fault Leehan for being this way as he knows he's clearly dealing with something. He just doesn't know how to get to Leehan to make sure he's fine, because unlike Leehan, it's hard for Taesan to show that he cares. He doesn't know how to be loving.

"Penny for your thoughts?" Riwoo asks right then, or screams, more like. The noise makes it a ginormous headache to be heard, and Taesan has to fight the urge to just up and leave when yet another round of crazed cheers crowd the field.

Sungho peers over Taesan's other side. He's got glittery eyeshadow, and his smooth skin is streaked with dark purple and red, their school's representative colors. 

"Yeah, penny for your thoughts?" Sungho parrots.

"Stop copying me," Riwoo argues, pointing at him with his water bottle, attempting to be threatening. 

"Stop copying me," Sungho mimics, voice high-pitched.

Before another full blown argument can ensue, Taesan speaks up. "I'm gonna head to the bathroom for a bit."

"Okay." Riwoo nods. "I'll be sure to save you something when the food arrives."

"The game also starts soon, and that's a joy," Sungho adds with a smile, and Taesan can't tell if he's being sarcastic or not.

"Sure. Wouldn't miss it for the world," Taesan says, definitely being sarcastic.

As soon as he's freed from all the buzz and ear-shattering music, he goes straight to the bathroom and hesitates to dial Leehan's number.

Spending fourteen years of his life tiptoeing around authority figures and trying to make himself as small as possible definitely left behind some unwanted habits. The cautious half of Taesan doesn't want to disturb or bother Leehan any more than he probably already does, and he almost gives in until he remembers how much effort it took Leehan to get to know him. How Leehan never gave up.

Taesan has never been easy to get to know – or easy to like , for that matter – and still, Leehan thought he was worth it. 

Taesan calls Leehan right then, but Leehan doesn't pick up, even after he tries a second time. 

It's nearing eight pm, so it's certainly too late to go to Leehan's place. 

It dawns on Taesan that he now has to be like Leehan. He now has to make the effort.

+

Sangmi's face morphs into one of sheer surprise when she opens the door that Saturday morning. She quickly composes herself, however, though she doesn't look all too enthused.

"Good morning, Ms Kim," Taesan greets, clearing his throat. He's so out of his element, even waking up super early so he could get here on time. He could've asked Riwoo for a ride, but the guy hates waking up before twelve on the weekends when he has no prior plans. Taesan also doesn't want him to question how weird he's suddenly being concerning Leehan.

"Is Leehan home?" Taesan continues, hoping his smile looks innocent enough. He doesn't know how suspicious it is to show up at 11AM just to meet someone's grandson, but he's certain Sangmi assumes he and Leehan are good friends.

We are friends, Taesan's mind corrects. Nothing else.

"Hello, Taesan. Yes, he's home," Leehan's grandma answers. "But I don't think he's in the position to see you at the moment."

"Leehan actually texted me earlier," Taesan lies. He should feel guilty over it, but he really doesn't care. He just wants to confirm that Leehan is alright. "And said he'd like to hang out."

Sangmi fortunately doesn't question Taesan further, and when he finally makes it to Leehan's bedroom door, he inhales a huge breath and knocks.

There's no response for a few seconds, so Taesan fears Leehan is in a worse state than he thought. But then the doorknob twists and opens, revealing a messy haired Leehan drowned inside a gray hoodie. 

Taesan would've found it cute if not for Leehan's splotched pink cheeks and red-rimmed eyes, revealing that he might've cried. Maybe not now, but definitely some minutes or hours ago.

Leehan's eyes widen at Taesan's appearance, and then he sniffles, looking away. 

"Hey." Taesan holds up a bag of donuts. "I come in peace."

Leehan runs a hand through his hair and laughs, and though it sounds more pained than happy, Taesan considers it a win. "You… you seriously came."

"You weren't answering my texts, and you didn't show up at the game last night," Taesan replies, before realizing how much he sounds like a needy partner. "I just – I wanted to check up on you."

Leehan just looks at Taesan for like three seconds, and then a soft smile emerges on his face. "Wow. So you do care about me."

"Your absence annoyed me," Taesan corrects, but it's no use. Leehan's smile doesn't falter.

He lets Taesan in, and even though he's probably been going through some shit, his room is still in tip-top shape. 

Leehan sits on his bed, combing his hair once again. Taesan has seen him do it enough times to know it's a nervous habit. "I'm sorry I left you hanging."

Taesan shakes his head, and, after contemplating it for a few seconds, plops right next to him. "It's okay. You're not my only friend, you know."

Leehan doesn't respond, so Taesan nudges his leg.

"Are you okay?" Taesan decides to ask. "You look even paler than Riwoo did when he accidentally got his hand stuck in a window."

Leehan's face twitches with amusement. "How did that even happen?"

"Riwoo has very large hands," Taesan says, smiling when Leehan snorts at this. "So. Are you good?"

"I've been better," Leehan admits with a sigh. "It's been four years, but it still gets me."

"What gets you?"

"Mom's death."

Taesan pauses, totally not expecting that. "Shit, I'm so sorry."

"Let's not talk about it," Leehan says, collapsing against the headboard. "Let's just eat these delicious donuts you bought me."

"Nah. They're for you," Taesan answers. 

Leehan's grin is one of pure mischief. He takes a chocolate coated donut and inches closer. "Just take a bite for me. One bite."

"I'd rather not."

Leehan pouts and dramatically bats his lashes, taking Taesan by surprise. He then holds Taesan's hand, thumb pawing at his knuckles. "Please, Taesan."

Leehan's hand, currently entwined with Taesan's own, does something to his mind, so he does take a bite in the end, the donut's sugary sweetness filling his mouth.

"See?" Leehan smirks. His hand still hasn't left Taesan's. "Wasn't that bad, now was it?"

"Shut up, Leehan." Taesan doesn't let go either.

Chapter Text

Halloween is here, but Leehan isn't keen on leaving the house. In fact, if he had his way he wouldn't leave his room either.

At least last year Leehan had Joohyuk wanting to go trick or treating, which motivated him to show up and do his best. But Leehan got a text early that morning from Sangwook saying that his wife, Dami, was going to be in charge of that this time around. 

Now, Leehan's just underneath the covers, attempting to block out the rest of the world. And he's pretty sure he would have succeeded if the door didn't open right then, faint footsteps pattering in.

"Good morning, Leehan." It's Sangmi, and Leehan flinches when she tugs the curtains apart to let the bright sunlight in. "Goodness, it's so dark in here."

"Morning," Leehan grumbles, but doesn't have it in him to move. "I just need some more sleep."

Sangmi doesn't look like she believes him. Instead, she plants a hand on her hip, and that's when Leehan spots the orange and black sweater she has on. "Come on now, Leehan. It's past twelve in the afternoon. Let's go prepare the house for tonight, shall we?"

"I'm tired."

"That excuse won't work this time around," Sangmi replies, patting Leehan's ruffled hair. "So let's go have some fun decorating, hm?"

Leehan is well aware that Sangmi's doing all of this so he won't be lonely today. After all, his mother's death anniversary was just days ago, and he'd been too depressed to care about celebrating his birthday. And despite wanting to shut everything out, Leehan knows ruminating on negative thoughts won't be any good for him in the long run.

"Alright, alright," he mutters, finally getting off the bed to go help his grandma. 

With today being Saturday, they have more than enough time to get the house in shape. It's clear Sangmi has done a lot of shopping, because Leehan gets to toss several lengthy threads of fake bats over the house that immediately give the area a spookier feel. He then pivots gigantic, carved pumpkins that'll glow at night into place, as well as a looming scarecrow that flaps about in the wind. 

Halloween isn't Leehan's favorite day, but he can appreciate the way the house looks by the time he's done arranging everything. It's even better under the tangerine glow of the sun, comparable to the set of a renowned horror movie.

As Sangmi's busy organizing the candy – with Leehan munching an apple as moral support – his phone beeps with text notifications. A few are from the jocks he talks to at lunch, all of them gushing about the party tonight that he has no intention of attending.

There's one from Taesan as well, and the sight of his name alone is enough to elevate Leehan's spirits. He's never forgotten how mind-blowing it felt holding Taesan's hand last Saturday, despite it being a spur of the moment sort of thing. 

His hand was soft, warm, and he hadn't moved away either, which felt nice. Which still feels nice, because before Leehan knows it, a smile creeps up his face.

taesan🐈‍⬛
hey
are you free today?

leehan
Wdym?

Taesan's reply is swift, which means he's been waiting. 

taesan🐈‍⬛
riwoo suggested watching horror movies at his place for today
and sungho said i should bring you along if you're free by 5

Leehan thinks back to the only interaction he had with Sungho, the way the guy had stared at him as if he could see right through him. Although Sungho is not nearly as intimidating as Taesan can be, Leehan is a tad worried.

taesan🐈‍⬛
so are you?

leehan
Yes, I am
If I'm not giving out candy with my grandma I think.

Leehan bites his thumbnail when Taesan doesn't immediately reply, a very bad habit he used to have as a kid. Does he not want me there? Leehan thinks, then rolls his eyes. He's being dumb.

taesan🐈‍⬛
awesome
i'll send you riwoo's home address in a sec

leehan
Alright
Do I have to bring anything?

taesan🐈‍⬛
just yourself will do

leehan
Cool cool
Also, Taesan?

taesan🐈‍⬛
what?

leehan
Happy Halloween AAARHH!! ☠️🔪🎃👻🧟

taesan🐈‍⬛
i think i hate you again

"What are you smiling at, Leehan?" Sangmi suddenly asks. Leehan jolts, noticing how close his grandma's gotten.

"Just something funny," he says, shoving his phone back into his pocket. "It's nothing."

Sangmi's smile turns playful. "Sure."

"It's really nothing," Leehan chuckles, too much in a good mood now to get all defensive about it. He's not doing anything wrong, he knows, but this is still majorly uncharted territory for him.

"Okay, Leehanie. If you say so." Sangmi pats Leehan's back. "Should we watch something before the kids start showing up tonight?"

Guilt flickers in his chest. "I'm sorry, but I can't. Um, Taesan, he asked if I'd like to hang out with him and his other friends tonight. I agreed."

Sangmi just laughs, catching Leehan by surprise. "Why are you sorry? I'm glad you'll get to spend this Halloween outside the house with friends this time around."

Leehan blinks. "Really? You won't feel lonely?"

"I have my shows to keep me company," Sangmi replies. "And I have people I can call, y'know."

Leehan nods at this, knowing fully well that Sangmi has the ability to make friends wherever she goes. 

+

Leehan steps out of the shower in record timing, and it's when he's ransacking through outfits to wear that a new text enters his phone. 

It's not Sangwook wanting to fuck tonight up for him, thank god, but it is from a number Leehan doesn't know.

It's a video, and for a second Leehan fears he's been hacked until he recognizes the navy blue hoodie in the foreground. Taesan…?

Pressing play, Leehan turns out to be right. It is Taesan, and he's in a room Leehan's never seen before, obscured while Riwoo is busy moving – or zooming? – around with socks on. 

When Für Elise reverberates through the phone, it dawns on Leehan what Taesan is doing. The camera fortunately moves closer and shows Taesan playing the piano, brows knitted in total concentration as his fingers sweep over the keys. His nails have been painted too, as dark as the choker adorning his neck.

The video quickly ends, but Leehan's racing heartbeat doesn't slow down. Of course Taesan knows how to play the piano and look stunning doing it too. 

Another text emerges from the same number.

unknown number
it was recorded just now btw
ur welcome

leehan
Uh
Thank you?

leehan
But who are you??

unknown number
park sungho!!
i copied down ur number earlier from taesans phone
he'd probably kill me if he found out lol

leehan
Oh
Hey
Sorry about how awkward I'm being rn

park sungho
its no problem ^^
just wanted to help u out

Leehan's brows furrow.

leehan
Help me out?

park sungho
i gotta go
im assisting with the food
see u soon!! :)

Leehan tries not to think about how weirdly that conversation ended, and replays the video before eventually deciding on what to wear. 

Since it's Halloween, Leehan does something a little different and goes all black. His boots, ripped jeans and muscle tee make him look like he's ready to raid tombs for treasure, so he adds a dark leather jacket to the ensemble. Unfortunately, he kinda looks like a 90's douche now, but this will have to do. 

Leehan styles his hair into a simple side part, the brown strands golden against his outfit's lack of color. He kind of wants to go back to black once the color fades.

Leehan studies his entire look one last time before he grabs his car keys and leaves, knowing he'd only find new things to nitpick the more time he spends in front of the mirror. He's positive he looks fine, but the reality that he's seeing Taesan in a short while makes him indisputably nervous.

"Aren't you taking something before you leave?" Sangmi asks from the couch, the TV broadcasting a cooking show.

"No, grandma. They'll have food over there," Leehan tells her as he steps out the front door. Also if I eat anything now I'd probably throw it all up.

The full moon shimmers against the night sky, with twinkling stars around every corner. Thriller's playing on the car stereo, Leehan drumming his fingers along to it as he swerves down the road, trying to will away his nerves.

It helps that almost every street has countless Halloween decorations, some spooky, others kinda cute. A bunch of people, especially kids, are out and about in varying costumes, exuberant smiles on their faces. Their happiness is contagious, so by the time Leehan makes it to where he believes (and hopes) is Riwoo's house, he's a little less tense.

After parking his car in a good enough spot, Leehan walks up to the door, takes a deep breath, then presses the doorbell.

The door slams open, a ghostface mask hurled at his face, wanting to jumpscare him.

When Leehan doesn't react, the person swears and yanks off the mask. It's Riwoo, quite small in the ghostface get-up without the mask on.

"Uh, hey?" Leehan greets, not really knowing what to say since he's spent the most time with Taesan. 

"Dude, how did you not flinch?" Riwoo questions, genuinely bummed. "I even had the scythe and everything."

Leehan chuckles, amused. "I think screaming in a deeper voice would've worked better."

Riwoo nods as if Leehan just shared top-notch wisdom. "Gonna try that out on some kids tonight."

"Good luck with that," Leehan says, before Riwoo lets him in. The living room is rather dark, but it's easy to see the pictures lining the walls and the cozy furniture. Leehan digs it.

"Thanks. Also love your biker inspired outfit. Super fucking cool," Riwoo replies, moonwalking to the right. "Also here are some slippers – don't worry they're new – and let's go to my room because that's where Taesan and Sungho are. Dad's gonna take over for now."

He talks so fast Leehan struggles a bit to keep up with him. "I just put on whatever looked fine, but thanks."

"My pleasure." Right then, something dings from the kitchen, and Riwoo skids over there without any thought. It's a miracle he doesn't bump into anything on the way. "Looks like the popcorn's ready!"

Right after, they head down the corridor to Riwoo's room, and Leehan's palms get so clammy he has to wipe them over his jeans. Jesus.

"Look who's here!" Riwoo announces the second he opens the door. 

Just like the living room, the place is dimly lit, the purple LED lights and the bright TV screen a little jarring at first. Taesan and Sungho are sprawled on the bed, or were before Riwoo opened the door.

Sungho is already on his feet, shooting Leehan a rather sneaky smile. 

"Hi, Leehan," he warmly greets, before grabbing the bowl of popcorn from Riwoo. "You're dressed as a biker, right? Suits you a lot."

Leehan laughs good-naturedly, even though he's freaking out on the inside. "Nope, just felt like wearing black today. But thank you. I also dig your makeup."

Sungho grins, while Riwoo looks panicked for Leehan.

"Oh no, don't encourage him," Riwoo says, dragging Leehan towards the bed. Towards Taesan. "He'll try to do your makeup for the rest of the night."

"No, I won't," Sungho argues, sipping his soda.

"Yes, you will. Now, hands off the sodas. This is your third one," Riwoo comments, leaving Leehan with Taesan.

For the first time ever, Leehan is tongue-tied, and it's even harder than usual to meet Taesan's eyes.

"C'mon," Taesan says, breaking the silence. He scoots to the side and pats the space beside him. "You can rest here, you know. I won't bite."

"W-well, it is Halloween, so," Leehan replies, wanting to slam his head on the wall because did he just stutter?

To his relief, Taesan doesn't comment on the stupid joke. He just peers at Leehan through those long lashes of his, the lavender light garnishing his smooth skin, leaving Leehan in a trance. 

"Are you feeling better?" Taesan asks after a beat. Leehan isn't sure what's up with him tonight, but the sincerity in Taesan's voice makes his stomach flip. Taesan being his sarcastic self already drives Leehan nuts. How is he supposed to cope with his gentler side?

"Mhm," Leehan nods, because he does feel good. Taesan is right beside him, so close their elbows and legs touch. It's when Leehan looks at him again that he notices the dark gleam across his eyelids. "Did Sungho do your eyes?"

Taesan pauses, a little taken aback. Then he nods. "Yep."

"It's pretty."

Taesan doesn't get the chance to respond since Riwoo and Sungho join them with way too many snacks each. Leehan doesn't mind the clutter, mostly because he doesn't have to move from his position next to Taesan. Soon enough, they get started on the movies.

It's the Scream franchise, and while the movies are iconic, Leehan is more focused on the guy next to him. Maybe it's the low lit room or the comfy, intimate atmosphere, but he's more aware of the minimal space between their bodies, and how badly he wants to close it.

Riwoo and Sungho roasting the characters' decisions fills the silence from time to time, and the snacks are pretty good. But by the time the first movie is nearly over, Leehan's left leg starts to ache so badly that he has no choice but to excuse himself.

"Uh, where's the bathroom?" he asks Riwoo, not wanting to draw much attention to himself.

"Oh, it's uh, the second door to the right." 

"Thanks." Leehan follows Riwoo's directions without a moment to spare, shutting it as soon as he enters.

He inhales, then exhales, gritting his teeth when the pain doesn't subside. He knew not eating a lot since morning would probably result in some unwanted consequences, but this had completely slipped his mind. 

Leehan crouches to massage the affected calf for a few minutes, but it only stops some of the pain.

This won't do, but Leehan doesn't want to ruin tonight for everyone else.

Someone knocks on the door right then. "Leehan?"

It's Taesan, and Leehan freaks out, not wanting the guy to see him in this state.

"Yeah, I'll be done in a sec," Leehan says, hoping Taesan leaves.

He hears nothing for a few moments, and then a sigh.

"Are you…having a muscle spasm right now?" Taesan asks, his voice lowered but still audible. 

Leehan is tempted to lie or divert the topic, but it gets sort of hard to think straight when one of your legs is so stiff you can't move an inch. "Yes."

Another moment of silence. "Hold on."

Leehan doesn't have to wait long, because Taesan is back in less than a minute, asking if he can enter. Leehan lets him, noticing the cold packs in his hands.

"Riwoo's dad uses a lot of these, luckily," Taesan explains, before kneeling next to Leehan. "Can you roll up your jeans?"

"Sure," Leehan exhales, woozy from the pain. He tries not to let it show, tries to keep a cool façade, but Taesan quickly picks up on his discomfort. "But let me apply them myself. I don't want to stop you from having fun with your friends."

Taesan frowns, serious but still so devastatingly good-looking. "You're also my friend, and I'm not gonna let you deal with this on your own."

Leehan manages a smile, relief washing over him when the first cold pack is pressed to his skin. "Thanks."

Taesan just nods, remaining at Leehan's side while he gradually recovers. His dedication means more to Leehan than he'll ever know, fondness sprouting inside his chest when Taesan looks at him.

"You're staring," Taesan comments nonchalantly, but Leehan can tell it affects him.

"Sorry, I can't help it." Leehan shrugs. "You're really handsome."

Taesan coughs and averts his gaze. "Stop it."

"Stop what? Complimenting you?"

Taesan's Adam's apple lifts. "Yes, exactly."

"I don't think I can," Leehan admits, and Taesan watches him again.

"Why can't you?"

Taesan's close enough that their shoulders brush. Leehan can hear his breathing, ragged and quick.

Leehan doesn't know how it happens, but his mouth grazes Taesan's, shocking the both of them.

Taesan's lips are undeniably soft, with a slight quiver that leaves Leehan disoriented. He holds Taesan's face, his skin hot to the touch as they breathe each other in. It's comparable to being burned alive, but it’s also pleasant, something incredibly addictive about it. About Taesan.

Leehan, unable to resist the temptation, deepens the kiss, his fingers entangled in Taesan's silky smooth hair.

Taesan inhales sharply then breaks away. His eyes are darker than usual, dazed, his lips red and swollen. 

Leehan wants to kiss him again, but he thinks he may have just made a dreadful mistake. "I fucked up, didn't I?"

Taesan shakes his head, surprisingly. His next words are a slap to the face, however. "Let's not talk about this right now."

"What do you mean?"

But Taesan has already gotten up, unsteady. "I – I'm gonna head out."

Before Leehan can answer, the door slams shut, and now he's all alone.

Chapter Text

Let's not talk about this right now.

I'm gonna head out.

These words haunt Taesan's mind for the next few days, and every time he thinks about them he gets more embarrassed. Taesan seriously can't afford to be thinking about this right now as he already has too much on his plate – like the upcoming exams and college applications – but Leehan has woven himself into his head and is stubbornly here to stay.

Taesan can't stop thinking about the kiss they'd shared. Leehan was the one who initiated it, and it caught him by surprise. He should've pulled away the second Leehan did it, but he stayed still, too hypnotized by Leehan's lips on his and his touch to do anything else.

Taesan knew what he felt. And he can still feel it, those sparks. And it's frightening. This is something friends don't feel for each other.

The way Taesan sees guys is different from the way he sees girls. It's something he's known since he was thirteen. But this is the first time he's felt so deeply for a guy, so much so that the thought of him consumes his very being. And no matter how hard Taesan tries to ignore Leehan or focus on something else, Leehan still finds his way back into his mind.

It's Wednesday, the third day of the week that Taesan attempts to ignore Leehan's existence. They haven't talked since Halloween, and it's not like Leehan has sent Taesan any texts since then either. 

Taesan likes to think Leehan is doing this because he's mad at him and has finally realized that he isn't worth it, that he's toxic and undeserving of his affection. But knowing Leehan, it's probably his way of giving Taesan some space, and that just worsens Taesan's guilt. 

As soon as Taesan enters history class with Riwoo on his heel, he avoids everyone so he won't accidentally make eye contact with Leehan. He's well aware of how stupid and immature he's being right now, but he's not ready to face his feelings just yet.

Of course, Riwoo notices his odd behavior. The second they sit, Riwoo's looking right at him, eyes narrowed in concentration.

"What?" Taesan questions, pulling his books out of his bag. 

"I know you hate it when I ask you this, but are you okay?" Riwoo questions. "You've been weirdly stiff these last few days, like you're afraid someone's going to jump you from behind, or something. Wait – did you get in a fight with someone?"

Taesan takes out his pencil case in order to distract himself from the erratic thumping of his heart, because he can hear Leehan's voice up ahead, fully engaged in conversation with some girl. He always sits with her during history class, but for some reason now, their friendliness with each other irks Taesan.

"Taesan? Earth to Taesan," Riwoo tries to grab his attention. Taesan loves him, he really does, but he doesn't feel like chatting about anything today.

Taesan clears his throat, pretending he didn't just stare at Leehan. "Yeah?"

"...Shit," Riwoo says. Taesan's alarmed because he's now looking at Leehan . "Did you get in a fight with Leehan? He did something to you, didn't he?"

Riwoo's voice rises the way it always does when he's ready to avenge the people dearest to him, so Taesan reacts before he does something rash.

"He didn't do anything to me, cut it out," he says. He can't help but sneak another look Leehan's way, watching as he scribbles something into the girl's notebook. His number?

"But it's clear you guys aren't talking as much as you used to. You try to not look at him whenever he's in the same room as you." Riwoo chews his lip, contemplative. "...Can I ask you something?"

Taesan straightens up. "No, you can't."

But Riwoo doesn't listen. "I know Leehan had a leg cramp on Halloween, as you asked for some cold packs. Then you went into the bathroom with them, and you stayed there with him for a while."

Taesan internally panics, but keeps his expression intact. "What are you trying to say?"

"Something… happened in that bathroom, didn't it?" Riwoo guesses, his eyes boring into Taesan's. Though he can be a bit oblivious at times, he's always been more intelligent than most. Taesan kind of wishes he wasn't. 

"Nothing happened," he utters, but he doesn't even sound convincing.

Riwoo takes on a gentle, inquisitive look, which makes Taesan feel like he's being observed under a microscope. "You know you can tell me anything, right? I've known you for so long. I won't judge you for anything, Tae."

Taesan doesn't want to say anything, and he doesn't have to because Mr Jung enters that very moment, silencing the entire classroom.

+

Taesan wants to believe he can make it through another day of pretending Leehan's presence doesn't affect him, but then something happens during lunch that sets him back a couple hundred steps.

"I'm bi," Sungho announces a few minutes into eating, and Taesan almost drops his sandwich with the way his fingers tremble. 

"I was kinda holding off on telling you guys – mostly because I was nervous and super fucking scared to fully accept that part of me, but then I realized it's best to just rip off the bandaid, " Sungho continues, taking a sip of his juice. "Also I kissed Sunoo like, two days ago and now we're dating, so."

"I think dolphins aren't real," Riwoo says, which confuses the hell out of everyone. "What? I thought we just decided to start sharing random facts about ourselves."

Sungho flings his plastic fork at Riwoo's forehead. 

"Ow! What was that for?"

"For being a dumbass, as always."

Riwoo looks to Taesan for help, but he's still deep in thought over what was essentially Sungho coming out to the both of them. And Riwoo couldn't care less. He couldn't care less , which makes icy relief flood Taesan's veins.

"Congrats on um, getting a boyfriend," is what Taesan tells Sungho after regaining his composure. It all seems so surreal how casually Sungho let them in on something so quintessential to his identity that Taesan has to wonder if something like that could come easily to him as well.

"Aw, thanks Taesan," Sungho grins, looking genuinely ecstatic, and Taesan's happy for him. "But this idiot over here thinks dolphins are somehow fake, and it's bothering me."

"They are fake," Riwoo argues, sounding so convinced that Taesan feels he should be worried for him. "Like, they look way too aware and have the creepiest smiles. Pretty sure they're robots that were made to conquer the human race one day."

"Can't believe you're acing advanced chemistry and physics," Sungho comments while shaking his head in disbelief.

"Taesan, back me up here," Riwoo tells him. "They look made up, don't they?"

Taesan takes a bite out of his sandwich, a little more like himself after Sungho revealed his relationship. "They look pretty real to me."

"Exactly," Sungho backs him up. "They look so fucking real I'm wondering why we're even having this argument in the first place."

"Seriously, Sungho – " Riwoo presses, taking out his phone and typing something up. "I saw the craziest pictures of them the other day and – "

Taesan stops listening the moment he catches Leehan discarding his food tray and leaving the cafeteria, hands shoved into his pockets. His gait is quick and impatient, similar to how it was on Halloween. 

Is he having another muscle cramp? Taesan knows it's become none of his business ever since he decided to ignore Leehan altogether, but he can't help it.

Before Taesan can think better of it, he's on his feet as well, startling both Riwoo and Sungho.

"Where are you going?" Riwoo asks.

"I'm kinda full so I'm leaving." Taesan plants his unopened yogurt bottle on Riwoo's tray. "And don't worry, you can have my yogurt."

"Sweet."

"See you guys later," Taesan says, before grabbing his bag and jogging off. He doesn't know what he's doing and he doesn't know what his plan is, and he's pretty sure he might fuck this up to catastrophic lengths, but his impulsive side – the side that desperately wants to talk to Leehan –  has completely won over. 

By the time Taesan gets to the hallways, there's no sight of Leehan anywhere. Taesan doesn't let that discourage him as he heads to the boys bathroom next, hoping he'd see him there.

The place is totally empty, however, so he exits, wondering where the heck Leehan could have gone. Did he go home? Taesan hopes Leehan didn't, because he doesn't think he'd be able to take it if he messages him and he doesn't respond. 

Taesan recalls when Leehan had asked if they could hang out that one time. He'd been coming from the library when Taesan sought him out, so Taesan guesses he's probably there right now. Taesan hopes he is, or else this would be nothing more than a wild goose chase.

By the time he makes it up the stairs leading to the library, Taesan gets reminded yet again of how unathletic he's become. He can't believe he used to be such a good runner, but then again, illnesses have a way of stripping you of everything you're good at. 

Taesan makes sure he's no longer breathless before he enters the library, but it's all for nothing because the second he spots Leehan by the book aisles, his thumb running over each novel with a look of utter concentration on his face, Taesan's breath hitches in his throat.

It's distracting; all Taesan can focus on is how devastatingly pretty Leehan is. And how every part of him – from his eyes, to his smile, to his habits and imperfections – all come together to form this lovely snapshot Taesan can't tear his eyes away from.

He inhales, then ambles over. Luckily, Leehan doesn't immediately notice him so he's able to regain his composure. Unfortunately, Taesan has a bad habit of walking really quietly, so he ends up unintentionally startling Leehan when he does see him. The guy slams his head on the shelf behind them, and Taesan fears for a moment he might have gotten a concussion.

Fuck. "Shit, I'm sorry," Taesan apologizes. Nearly knocking Leehan out isn't how he'd planned for this to go, and not to mention he's making a fool out of himself yet again.

"It's fine," Leehan grunts, rubbing the back of his head. Taesan can't read the look on his face, which makes him anxious.

"Does it still hurt?" Taesan asks, and Leehan nods. "I'm really sorry."

"Stop apologizing. I already said it's fine," Leehan repeats. His brows are furrowed, which means he's most likely pissed. Fuck.

"Can we…talk?" Taesan begins, lowering his voice in case someone’s close. There's barely anyone in the library, but he doesn't want to take any chances. "About what happened on Saturday."

Leehan's inscrutable expression cracks a bit. "I'm giving you the space you need. The last thing I want is to make you uncomfortable."

"You didn't make me uncomfortable," Taesan admits after a couple seconds. He can't hear anything other than his ricocheting heartbeat as it's so loud. "It was a me problem. It still is, but I'm slowly trying to come to terms with it."

Leehan's big brown eyes are hopeful. "Come to terms with what?"

"How I, uh, feel about you." Taesan clears his throat, suddenly feeling incredibly exposed under Leehan's unwavering stare. 

"How you feel about me?" Leehan repeats, a subtle twinge of mischief in those gorgeous eyes of his.

At the sight of his playful smile, Taesan punches his arm. "You know fully well what I'm trying to say."

Leehan doesn't wince, but instead holds Taesan's hand. "Actually no, I don't. I need you to be more specific , Taesan."

His palm is warm and comforting against Taesan's own, melting the last bit of his resolve. "...I think I'm into you."

Leehan's smile broadens, his dimples on full display. "I think I'm into you too."

Taesan chews his bottom lip, before letting go. "I just…I need some time to, y'know."

"I totally understand," Leehan answers. Like he can't get enough of Taesan's touch, his fingers find their way back to his. "I've got some things to sort out too."

"Like what?"

"Letting Joohyuk know it worked."

Taesan blinks, taken aback. "What?"

Leehan laughs, heart-felt and endeared. "He was the one who suggested I give you some time to think."

Taesan is so flabbergasted he doesn't know what to say for a second. "You asked your ten year old brother for advice."

"But it worked out, didn't it?"

Taesan kind of wants to smack Leehan, but also wants to pull him in for a kiss at the same time. "You are insane."

Leehan ruffles Taesan's hair like he's some kid. "Why, thank you." He then sneakily pecks Taesan's neck, to his shock. "A present for letting me know how you feel."

"You – did you just – " Taesan sputters, unable to create a full sentence.

"Talk to you later." Leehan grabs the book he wanted, throws Taesan a peace sign and walks off.

+

True to his word, Leehan gives Taesan time to think about everything that's happened these past two months. But the honest truth is that it doesn't matter how long it takes Taesan to accept his feelings; he doesn't think he’s ready to face it all just yet.

Leehan starts texting Taesan again too, and while they don't hang out much at school, they have online conversations that sometimes last past midnight. Taesan is also able to keep himself occupied with all the tests and assignments he has to work on, as well as the exams coming up. He also hangs out with Riwoo and Sungho any time he can.

It goes well for the most part, and Taesan is able to keep his head above water for more than a week. He almost believes he's finally doing alright until everything comes crashing down that Tuesday morning.

It's freezing as it's nearing winter, and Taesan doesn't even have to open his eyes to know that he can't do this today. 

Taesan has returned to the bottomless void that makes up his thoughts. All he can think about are the mistakes he's made, the regrets he has, and the countless people he's disappointed and let down. 

Taesan's gone back to feeling like all the things he's ever done, like all the things he wants to do, will amount to nothing. Like he's made no progress whatsoever, and will always fuck things up no matter how hard he tries.

The longer Taesan lays there on his bed, the more worthless he feels, and the more pointless existing in general is. His chest's heavier, his limbs like lead stuck to his sides. Numbness gnaws at his being, dissolving enough of his spirit that he turns into a shell of himself. Taesan might not be a person anymore.

Taesan doesn't know which is worse: the recurring headaches that make life hell on earth, or days like this where it takes a greater amount of effort to even get up in the morning. He doesn't want to keep going through this, but he's too tired and worn out to even do anything about it.

It's all so exhausting.

The early morning sunlight cuts between the curtains, and the hollowness worsens, rotting Taesan's insides. He just wants to be left alone.

Someone knocks on the door, and when they don't immediately enter afterwards, Taesan knows it's probably not his mother, but Mina. 

"Taesan?" she says behind the door. "Mom's making breakfast and she says you should start getting ready."

Taesan doesn't reply, not because he isn't in the mood, but because he can't . Not when the chill in the air is so prominent he feels it in his bones. Not when every inhale fucking drains him.

Taesan doesn't know how long he remains there, but when the door opens and his mom enters, he can tell she isn't happy with him. But when has she ever been?

"What's going on with you today?" she questions, walking up to Taesan's bed with her arms crossed. "Another headache? Or have you suddenly decided to skip school yet again?"

If her voice doesn't worsen Taesan's headache, it irritates him to the point of wanting to disappear, so he can at least be out of her hair. 

"Just tired," Taesan utters, hoping she gets the hint and leaves.

"It's because you aren't getting enough sleep," she argues. "You thought I wouldn't notice all those times you were up till midnight, doing god knows what on your phone?"

Taesan has the urge to ask how the hell she found out about that, but he knows things will only get worse if he voices out his complaints.

"You need to start being more responsible, Taesan. I get you're already eighteen, but it's your senior year. You're skipping too many classes," his mother continues, voice stilted, frustrated. "I don't want your grades to drop. It's bad enough that try to use your headaches as an excuse – "

"They're not excuses," Taesan interrupts, because if he doesn't defend himself he might lose everything. "It's not my fault I got cancer."

This shuts the woman up for a second, but the blissful silence doesn't last long. "Yes, it isn't your fault. But you can't let that moment dictate your life and make you lazy."

Taesan's well aware this won't end well, but right then, red-hot anger incinerates him, and before he knows it he's gritting his teeth, blood rushing to his head. "Can you please get the hell out?"

His mother's lips press into a firm line, clearly enraged. "You know, you act just like your father at times."

Taesan's fuming on the inside, scorching, and what's worse is how the back of his eyes sting, a stubborn lump clogging his throat. He rarely cries, but he fears he's about to do so in front of his mother, of all people.

"At least I'm still here," Taesan snaps, low and strained, an attempt at keeping himself together. "Can't say the same for him. Or Taehyun."

The mention of her favorite son hardens the contours of his mother's face. Her jaw clenches, and she looks more like a stranger than Taesan's parent. 

"We are not doing this today." She heads for the door. "Get ready for school, or don't. It's your choice. I won't let you ruin today for me with that attitude of yours."

The door soon slams shut, encroaching the bedroom in darkness once more. This isn't the first time something like this has happened, and it won't be the last either.

Taesan turns to face the ceiling, suffocating under all the anger burning inside him. But anger is good, because he'd rather be pissed off at the world than allow himself to wallow in misery and self-hatred. 

Voices echo outside, and then there's another knock on the door, slicing into his thoughts.

"Who is it?" Taesan croaks.

"Mina. Can I come in?"

"Sure."

Mina enters, gripping a plate of food and a cup of water. Taesan hates that he's putting her through this, but he doesn't say a word or move from his position.

"I brought this in case you don't feel like going downstairs," Mina says, placing everything on the bedside table. "Mom didn't want me to, but I know that sometimes your headaches make things harder to bear."

Taesan doesn't have one right now, but her words mean a lot to him regardless.

"Thanks, Mina," Taesan whispers, not having the energy to say more than that. Thanks for being my sister. I love you so much.

"You're welcome, Taesan," Mina replies, stroking his hair. The action reminds Taesan of Leehan, and how gentle his hands felt whenever he did that. Taesan wishes he was here. "I have to leave now since I have to go to school, so eat when you can. Preferably before the food gets cold!"

Taesan manages a nod, and once he's left alone, he thinks of everything, and wonders when it'll all be over.

+

Taesan believes he spends hours just confined to the cage that is his mind, and by the time his stomach starts rumbling in protest, he knows he should eat something before the situation gets worse.

The toast and sausages are cold and stiff in his mouth, but he shovels down a few more bites anyway, as he can't be bothered to warm everything back up. And like most times when he's upset and numb, he doesn't finish the food even when he knows he'll regret it later.

Riwoo texts him a bunch before his classes start, and while Taesan knows it's a dick move, he doesn't reply to a single one. Riwoo would probably understand as he's seen worse, but Taesan can't help but think that one day he'll get tired of all the shit he keeps pulling, and quit being his best friend. And Taesan won't fault him for it, because he knows he has been lacking in so many ways.

Eventually, Taesan is looking through the texts he and Leehan had sent each other this past week to stop feeling so bitter. It works a bit, but soon enough the mental anguish returns. Now, Taesan's wondering what the hell Leehan saw in him that made him so interested, and if his feelings for Taesan are even real.

After just barely managing to take a shower, Taesan tries to watch some shows on Netflix to clear his head and loosen the ache in his chest. But the numbness lingers, poisoning every fiber of his being. He doesn't even know what the fuck he's doing anymore, only that he wants it all to stop.

There's a knock on the front door, and then another. Taesan might just be hallucinating until his phone rings next to him, Leehan's name displayed on the screen.

Taesan doesn't pick up. Would this even be a good time to see him? But then, Taesan realizes that he does want to see Leehan.

Leehan is right there when he opens the door, clad in that familiar baby blue hoodie of his. His hair's curled behind his ears, his eyes bright and his smile dazzling.

"Hey," he greets, so fucking attractive it's almost infuriating. His eyes study Taesan, soon brimming with worry. "Everything okay?"

"Why are you here?" Taesan isn't sure why he's asking Leehan this, but a part of him wants to hear that he cares. So maybe Taesan would stop feeling so useless.

"You were absent for the whole day, so I just thought I'd come and say hi," Leehan explains.

Taesan just nods, allowing him in.

"I'm sensing something's wrong," Leehan says, stepping closer. "So can you please let me in on it? I'll try to help."

Taesan hates being coddled, but somehow, Leehan's voice unravels every last bit of his emotions. All of a sudden, Taesan's wrapping his arms around him, breaking down completely.

His actions draw a surprised sound from Leehan, but he quickly reciprocates, holding Taesan tight so he won't stumble. His scent is comforting, his arms strong and safe, and Taesan can't remember when last he's gotten a hug that felt this right.

"It's gonna be okay," Leehan soothes. It should sound shallow since he doesn't even know what's bothering Taesan, but tears spring to his eyes nonetheless. "Everything will be fine."

Taesan sniffles, in disbelief that he's actually crying in Leehan's presence. "I don't think it will be."

"Why?" Leehan asks, rubbing Taesan's back.

"Because nothing ever turns out okay for me."

"Taesan…"

"And – even when I try to fix things, I make it worse," Taesan confesses, letting it out. "All I am is a disappointment."

At this, Leehan pulls away and looks Taesan in the eye. His thumb grazes Taesan's cheekbone. "Don't say that. You're not a disappointment to me."

Taesan bites his lip, finding that hard to believe. "Sure."

"You aren't a disappointment, believe me," Leehan repeats like he could read Taesan's mind. "You have no idea how much I like you, Taesan. How much I think about you. You make me so happy, it's a little terrifying. So tell me everything that bothers you, and I’ll try to help. We can bear it together."

It's off-putting how honest and heartfelt Leehan always is about his feelings sometimes, but his words do something to Taesan's heart. They ease away his hurt. 

Taesan sharply inhales when Leehan kisses him, but this time around, he lets himself relax into him. Those sparks Taesan felt on Halloween spiral up his skin, electrifying, and while the kiss doesn't last long, he's lightheaded and satisfied.

Taesan hugs Leehan once more, burying his head on his neck and letting himself enjoy the moment for as long as he can.

"You're fucking awesome, Taesan," Leehan whispers into his ear, so close their bodies are practically molded together. But, Taesan loves it. "Don't ever forget that, okay?"

Taesan forces himself to believe it just this once, for him. "Okay."

Chapter Text

riwooo
ur home right?
should i come over

tae
if you want but leehan is here too
and im sorry that i didnt reply to your earlier messages

riwooo
dude i know u mean well, so no need to apologize
also
leehan? 🤔

riwooo
i dont think i should come over then
before i like, interrupt something

tae
what?

riwooo
nothing!
i'll def call u later
byeee 

"Who was that? Riwoo?" Leehan makes a guess over Taesan's shoulder, startling him. Somehow, Leehan had ended up in Taesan's room and on his bed, cross legged as he rummaged through his bag for the notes Taesan had missed. They were halfway through him copying the ones from biology class when Riwoo had messaged him.

"Uh, yeah," Taesan clears his throat a little louder than he needs to. He can't stop thinking about Riwoo's texts and how he insinuated that he and Leehan must've been up to something alone. Does he know about them? Taesan doesn't know whether that makes him happy, but the way his palms sort of shake betrays his anxiety on the matter.

"Woah." Leehan immediately reacts, putting down his math textbook and scooching closer to where Taesan is. His fingers enter the spaces between Taesan's, grounding him to the present. "You're shaking."

Taesan nods, a lump in his throat. "Yeah, I'm aware."

A concerned knot forms between Leehan's brows. "Did something happen between you and Riwoo?"

It's scary how he's always so good at guessing, always so good at figuring Taesan out and knowing when he's not okay. It's something that took Riwoo years to master, while others like Taesan's parents didn't bother trying in the first place. 

"Not really," Taesan says. He's trying to breathe but his chest is tight, a million and one thoughts whirling about in his head like a goddamn tsunami. "He just – I told him you were here and he assumed we were doing something that he didn't wanna interrupt."

Leehan's eyes never drop from Taesan's face, and while his gaze isn't anywhere near intense, Taesan still feels vulnerable. "We are, though. We're doing homework. Super secret stuff."

Taesan punches his arm. "That's not what I'm talking about."

Leehan flashes a soft smile, before kissing Taesan's hand. It turns Taesan's stomach inside out. He doesn't think he can ever get used to Leehan's touching displays of affection. "Do you think he knows? That we, y'know, like each other?"

Taesan swallows thickly, that tightness stuffing in his chest making itself known again. This time it spreads all over his torso, restricting his movement. "I – I don't know."

"If he does, and he isn't reacting badly," Leehan starts, "then he's most likely cool with it. And that's good, right?"

Taesan stares at the small space between their crossed legs, feels how fervidly his heart thumps in Leehan's presence, and it hits Taesan once more that this is really happening. That this is real. 

"You're nervous," Leehan confirms.

"Yep," Taesan mutters, though that word doesn't nearly cover half of what he's currently experiencing. He feels like he's about to drown under all the weight of his responsibilities and problems, and lose everything he's ever known. He's so fucking discombobulated, like he doesn't even belong to his body anymore. 

"...When's your birthday?" Leehan asks all of a sudden, his voice cutting through Taesan's turbulent thoughts.

"What?" Taesan blinks, confused.

Leehan boops his nose and smiles. "Your birthday, Taesan."

"August 10th," Taesan utters, still not knowing where Leehan's going with this.

A stumped look crosses Leehan's face. "So you've already turned eighteen."

Taesan shrugs, leaning into his pillow. "So? It's no big deal."

"It is a big deal. Do you not celebrate birthdays?" Leehan continues, and Taesan has to admit, it's cute how passionate he's being about this.

"My family doesn't really do showy birthdays," Taesan says. "Mina's still young so she gets cake and wrapped gifts and all, but I just get wished a 'happy birthday' and that's it."

Leehan looks even more stumped. "So like, does Riwoo know about this?"

Taesan nods, a little rigid as this is getting too personal. "He knows I don't like making a big deal out of my birthday, so he doesn't do anything grand either."

"And you're okay with that," Leehan confirms.

"I guess," Taesan answers, then nudges his knee. "Let's talk about something else."

Leehan chews his lip in thought. "Honestly, I'd like to know why you prefer being called Taesan over Dongmin, if that's okay with you?"

Taesan slowly nods, picking his nail. "I started going by Taesan – my middle name – because Dongmin represented the worst parts of my life. That's basically it. Um, when's your birthday?"

"Uh, well." Leehan scratches his neck. "It's October 20th."

"You're not serious," Taesan says, totally in disbelief. "That was weeks ago. Why didn't you say anything?"

Now, it's Leehan's turn to shrug. "Couldn't exactly celebrate it with everything else going on." He's quiet for a second, but before Taesan can wallow in guilt for asking, his sunny smile returns. "It's totally crazy how we have a lot of things in common."

"Yeah right."

"No, really." Leehan adjusts himself so that he's now lying next to Taesan, his brown eyes sparkling. "We both have a younger sibling. We're both like beanstalks with how tall we are – "

Taesan softly chuckles at this, and Leehan's smile grows.

"We're also both super attractive, talented, and out of this world amazing."

"I'm pretty sure you're just complimenting yourself," Taesan says.

"I mean, I am awesome – but I feel the same way about you too," Leehan admits, booping Taesan's cheek this time. "You're so cute."

Taesan swats his hand away. "Shut up."

"Did anyone ever tell you you kinda give off black cat energy?"

Taesan freezes, wondering if he'd heard wrong. "What the fuck."

Leehan laughs, loud and boisterous and alive, which considerably lightens the pressure cocooning Taesan's chest. It's like Leehan's happiness has healing properties, and Taesan absolutely basks in it like flowerbeds under the sun. 

"It's true," Leehan giggles. "And you have the most adorable smile."

"Do you want to die?" Taesan threatens, in a much better mood than he was before. It's then it dawns on him what Leehan had been doing by asking him about his birthday. Leehan wanted to make Taesan focus on something so he wouldn't feel as anxious. 

"I mean, dying by your hand doesn't seem like such a bad way to go," Leehan muses with a smirk. 

"You're so weird."

Leehan keeps staring at Taesan like he's this lost treasure he just stumbled upon, and since Taesan has never been looked at like that before he doesn't know how to react.

"I want to kiss you," Leehan confesses, all of a sudden. "Can I?"

Taesan doesn't reply, he just pulls Leehan closer, their lips easily melding together. Leehan is all in, fingers threading Taesan's hair while he kisses Taesan so hard that the butterflies in his stomach explode into miniature fireworks. It's clear Leehan's got some experience, and while that normally would be enough to exacerbate Taesan's insecurities, Leehan is so gentle and patient in the way he handles him that there's no room for any doubts.

Taesan bites back a groan when Leehan bites on his bottom lip, but when Taesan feels Leehan smiling he's positive that he heard him. A deep embarrassment singes Taesan's being, but it doesn't have the chance to linger because Leehan's hands soon slide underneath Taesan's shirt, gripping his waist.

"This is okay, right?" Leehan asks, out of breath like Taesan is. His warmth tickles Taesan's skin.

"Y-yeah," Taesan stutters without meaning to. It should feel terrifying endowing so much control to one person, but Leehan just emanates comfort and safety. Taesan isn't as scared when he's with him.

Leehan doesn't do much, just caresses the dip of Taesan's waist as he plants soft kisses all over, but it's more than enough to calm Taesan down and make him feel wanted.

It's kind of similar to how it felt the first (and last) time Taesan got drunk, only the bliss is much stronger this time around. He feels amazing.

Then it happens so quickly Taesan doesn't get the time to react. Loud footsteps thump over the floorboards and his bedroom door creaks open.

"Taesan – " Mina cuts herself off the moment she sees Taesan and Leehan, and even though Taesan lurches away from Leehan's arms, he knows she saw them kissing.

"Mina," Taesan begins, but he's in too much of a fucking panic to add anything else.

Mina's eyes are wide with shock, mouth agape, but then she forces on a neutral expression and takes a step back. "Sorry!" She slams the door shut in record timing, leaving Taesan and Leehan all alone once more.

Taesan quickly gets up and Leehan follows suit. God, he's going to throw up.

"Taesan? Shit." Leehan's jaw clenches, clearly concerned. He holds Taesan's wrists, but Taesan's too overwrought to react. "It's gonna be okay. I'm sure she's fine with it. She's your sister, isn't she?"

Taesan thinks back to when Mina borrowed his iPad some months ago, and how his search history exposed frantic searches online detailing his struggles with coming to terms with his sexuality. Mina had promised Taesan that she wouldn't tell anyone, but that was before she saw Taesan making out with another boy right in front of her.

"I don't know," Taesan whispers, and fuck, his hands are fucking shaking. "She just can't tell Mom. She said – god – she said she wouldn't say anything."

"Good. Then that means you can trust her," Leehan reassures, caressing Taesan's cheek. It's shitty how he's witnessed Taesan breaking down for the third time now.

"Fuck," Taesan croaks, fists clenched so tightly they lose all color. "Why do I keep fucking things up?"

Leehan hugs him. "You're not fucking things up, Taesan. Believe me. I may not know much about your family, but I'm convinced Mina loves you way too much to do anything that'll hurt you. I know this because I have a brother I'd do anything for, too." 

"So just try to calm down, okay? You got this," Leehan finishes, pulling back to meet Taesan's eyes. "You got this."

Taesan jerkily nods, genuinely hoping with everything in him that Leehan’s right.

+

With Leehan leaving the very next minute because Taesan needed some space, Taesan does the daunting task of heading to Mina's room, feeling like he's walking right into his demise. 

Taesan breathes in and out a couple times, steady so he won't hyperventilate, before he obtains the courage to knock on her door. He doesn't want to do this, but he can't spend his entire life being a coward.

Mina soon opens the door, her expression betraying her own anxiety.

Taesan inhales deeply. "Mina – "

"You don't hate me, do you?" Mina says. "I don't care that you like boys, and I'm so sorry I entered your room without knocking and – "

"Hey, it's okay," Taesan interrupts, her words taking him aback. "I could never hate you."

"I saw the way you looked when I saw you with Leehan," Mina says with a pout. "You were so terrified that I thought you wouldn't ever want to talk to me again."

"I – I would never do that," Taesan promises, relief crashing over him like a flood at the fact that Mina still doesn't care. That she still accepts him. "You're my sister, and I love you."

Mina throws her arms around him. "I love you too, Taesan. And I won't ever tell Mom about Leehan if you don't want me to."

Taesan is finally able to smile, so fucking grateful to have such a caring sibling. "Thank you."

You got this.

Taesan's smile widens, tasting something quite like freedom. Leehan was right.

+

The next day swoops in with rainfall that, while not as heavy, is chilly and icy all the same. But it doesn't affect Leehan, as there's a certain beauty to the rain, especially when it arrives early in the morning. 

So it comes to no surprise that by quarter to six Leehan is at his room's balcony, positioning his camera at the perfect angle to capture the tall and bare tree branches, the steadily falling rainfall and the vast silvery sky. Leehan makes sure to zoom in just to get the perfect details, and it's at this moment that he remembers yet again how grateful he is that Sangmi bought him this camera as a gift, and sparked a hobby he felt he could be proud of. 

By the time Leehan's done, he smells nothing but the petrichor lingering in the atmosphere, earthy and just the right kind of refreshing to get him started on the day. He feels relaxed and at ease right here. 

But then again, Leehan's felt that way since yesterday at Taesan's place when Taesan decided to let him into his room and show him a side of himself no one else has. And while his sister had caught them in the act, Taesan texted Leehan later that afternoon that everything had gone well. And of course, Leehan couldn't have been happier.

Leehan isn't bummed that he doesn't get to jog today – there's only so much exercise he can take, after all – because being here right now and getting to experience nature at its finest is something he wouldn't trade for the world.

Leehan eats breakfast quickly and readily, and even takes those tablets without his mood dampening. He remains in good spirits on the way to school, and even during the boring, uninteresting classes his smile never drops.

It's during lunch, however, that Leehan faces a dilemma. Well, it's not much of a dilemma as it is something he should've done a while ago. Something he's now determined enough to start. 

With no seconds to spare after filling his lunch tray, Leehan diverts from the trail leading to his usual table and strolls to Taesan's table. Leehan feels the questioning stares, but they don't affect him – and never will.

By the time he makes it over there, he realizes Taesan himself isn't there, but Riwoo and Sungho are, both staring wide-eyed at him.

"Hello, guys," Leehan greets like it's no big deal – because it isn't. "Mind if I sit here?"

"No – sure! Um. Of course, you can," Riwoo stammers, his half-eaten fries forgotten in his hand.

Sungho looks… Leehan doesn't know what it is exactly. But the guy doesn't look bothered, or mad, so Leehan takes that as a good thing. Sungho takes a sip out of his yogurt. "Welcome to our table, I guess. What about your friends over there?"

Leehan shakes his head. "They're not my friends. I only like one guy there, and he isn't even here today, so."

Something like satisfaction glints in Sungho's dark eyes. "Awesome."

Leehan clears his throat before any awkward silences ensue. "Um, where's Taesan?"

It's subtle, but he catches the brief glance Riwoo and Sungho shoot at each other.

"He's gonna show up a bit later," Riwoo replies, finally finishing up his fries. "Said he had something to discuss with Mr Jung."

"Oh." Leehan gets started on his sandwich, but it isn't long before something else pops into his head. "Taesan's birthday was in August."

"Mhm," Sungho confirms, but then he startles, leaning over the table like he's about to spout something conspiratorial. "Wait, he told you?"

"Uh, yeah?" Leehan answers, his brows furrowing when Riwoo and Sungho exchange yet another glance. "Should I not have known about it?"

"Kinda," Riwoo says. "It's just that Taesan doesn't expose personal information about himself that easily."

Leehan's ears flush as he's suddenly at a loss for words. "Oh."

It doesn't help that right then, Sungho smirks at him. "Why are your ears pink?"

Leehan rubs one of them as if that'll magically stop them from burning. "It's because of the cold."

"Right."

"Taesan told me his family doesn't really celebrate his birthday." Leehan attempts to change the subject before he embarrasses himself further. "And I don't get it, because don't birthdays deserve to be celebrated?"

"I guess," Riwoo shrugs. He looks a little uncomfortable. "Look, it's just that Taesan's gone through a lot of shit in his past – and his mom isn't the most welcoming person. And we don't even wanna talk about his dad – " Riwoo stops himself, then shrugs once more. "Yeah, I would've liked to give him the best birthday party ever – because I'm good at those – but there's nothing wrong with having a more lowkey birthday."

"I agree," Sungho adds. "Just not with the birthday party part. You can't host for shit."

Riwoo gasps. "Excuse me? Where were you this Halloween? At my place, that's where."

"I was the one who suggested the whole thing, idiot." Sungho rolls his eyes.

Leehan has no idea why they're suddenly arguing with each other, and wonders if this is what Taesan always has to go through during lunch.

"Hey, guys," he interrupts, and fortunately they listen. "Does Taesan like gifts?"

"Who doesn't?" Sungho folds his arms over the table, his dark shimmery hair grazing his shoulders. "What? Thinking of getting him something?"

"Maybe."

"Really?" Riwoo genuinely looks surprised.

Leehan nods. "Yep. So, what does he like?"

"He kinda hates when people splurge to buy him something," Riwoo reveals. "In fact, he doesn't like it when people spend any amount of money on him."

His words punch several holes through Leehan's resolve, and his shoulders slump. "...Oh."

Sungho's eyes soften, like he actually feels bad for him. "Hey, Leehan?"

"Yes?"

"Gifts don't need to be expensive to be meaningful. And it also really helps that, like everyone else, Taesan's into beautiful things."

Taesan's into me, Leehan's inner voice unnecessarily comments right then.

"We aren't talking about you, by the way," Riwoo says, which totally breaks Leehan out of his trance.

Sungho smacks Riwoo's arm, looking just about ready to bury him alive. "Shut up, dude."

Leehan doesn't get the opportunity to ask what exactly Riwoo meant by that because Taesan saunters into the cafeteria right then, his stoic face exposing nothing of what he's feeling. His jacket is unbuttoned, and the black vest underneath hugs his slim torso perfectly. Leehan doesn't think he can ever get over how terribly attractive he is.

Taesan makes his way over to them in no time, surprise etched on his face when he sees Leehan. "Leehan?"

"Hey." Leehan can't help but grin, and when Taesan sits next to him, it only broadens. "Decided to sit here today. Hope you don't mind?"

Taesan breaks their eye contact by looking away. Leehan can't believe he just made Han Taesan flustered . "Why would I?"

Leehan wants nothing more than to hug him right then, but he knows doing something like that in public would draw the type of attention Taesan doesn't want. So, he settles for subtly nudging Taesan's foot with his.

Taesan goes rigid, and Leehan fears he might have just fucked things up again until Taesan nudges him back, his features unchanged. It's impressive how much he's able to hold back his emotions, but it stops being cool when Leehan realizes he probably had to master it to cope with the things he experienced in the past. 

Leehan observes Taesan's food tray and sees it doesn't have any fruits there. He probably forgot to grab some as he rushed in here. Before thinking it through, Leehan places his apples on the tray, and everyone turns eerily silent.

Leehan looks up, spooked to see Sungho and Riwoo staring at them so blatantly. "What?"

Riwoo coughs. "Nothing."

Taesan is still as cool as a cucumber, but Leehan can tell his composure is slowly chipping away. I have to do something.

Leehan clasps his hands together, taking on a serious look. "Is mint choco a good ice cream flavor or not?"

His bait works, as Riwoo immediately jumps into defending his love for mint choco ice cream, while Sungho vehemently compares it to sugary toothpaste.

Taesan's eyes are full of relief when looks at Leehan, and Leehan feels proud of himself. 

+

The week goes by, and before Leehan knows it, it's Wednesday, the day he plans to surprise Taesan.

leehan
Good morning Taesan! 

leehan
Still can't believe you turned 18 before me

leehan
Also did you know you’re a Leo?
Found out cause my grandma reads a lot of horoscopes, and totally not because I'm into astrology.
Totally

It's freaking two in the morning, and here Leehan is, sending a ton of messages to Taesan like he's going to be awake to see it. Leehan can't help it though, he's never been this excited in a long time.

His mother always used to say that while it was a good thing to basically have his heart on his sleeve, people could easily take advantage of him for that. She said if Leehan cared too much, he'd be the one who ends up the most hurt in the end. Leehan was too young back then to realize she'd been talking about herself. 

But Leehan knows Taesan won't hurt him, he can feel it in his bones. The fact that Taesan has let him in is testament to the fact.

leehan
Can we hang out at my house after school?
It's totally up to you

leehan
Just want to show you something

Predictably, Taesan doesn't reply until after seven with a 'sure :)' that has Leehan's racing heart almost bursting through his chest. 

Leehan can barely concentrate during class, thinking again and again about what he's planned.

What if Taesan doesn't like it? What if he changes his mind on us hanging out at my place? These thoughts haunt him for the rest of the day, so much so that he doesn't register Taesan's presence while shoving some books into his locker.

“Leehan," Taesan has to call out to grab Leehan's attention. "You look like you're about to shit yourself. Is everything good?"

Leehan winces, shutting the locker. His hands are disgustingly clammy. "Yeah, I'm fine. Do your friends know you're coming with me?"

"Mhm."

"Okay. Let's go."

A couple people are also at the student parking lot, including the guys Leehan used to sit with at lunch. They see Taesan entering the car with him, and while they don't look amused, they don't say a thing.

Taesan notices them too, but luckily doesn't comment on it. He also doesn't want to ruin the mood.

Since Taesan has already been to Leehan's house, it's easy to get him to relax on the couch, which in turn makes Leehan relaxed. The guy looks so cuddly in the purple cotton sweater he's wearing, the fabric long enough to stretch over his fingers. Leehan can't believe he ever thought he was intimidating.

"What?" Taesan comments, rubbing his nose. It's something he does a lot when he's nervous.

"Just wait here, okay?" Leehan tells him, before dashing up the stairs to get his 'gift' for him. It's a medium-sized box that's wrapped up like a present, containing a souvenir of sorts. It's the best of everything he's been working on, and like Sungho had said, Taesan likes beautiful things.

Leehan hides it in his bag, and once he's back on the ground floor he heads for the fridge to bring something out.

"Wait," Taesan starts. "Is that a cake?"

"Yes. Yes it is," Leehan answers, grabbing a bunch of candles and a lighter as well. Taesan is absolutely speechless as Leehan gently places the red velvet cake – with eighteen candles – on the table. He lights every one of them up, which takes a while of course, but Taesan doesn't interrupt, jaw slack.

"Riwoo said you don't like it when people spend money on you," Leehan begins. "So, I did not buy this cake. I helped my grandma with it as she's been super into baking lately. I didn't know what flavor you preferred and I know your birthday has already passed, but I hope you like red velvet."

Leehan's internally a wreck, afraid Taesan won't like it, or that he'd think it's too cheesy.

At last, Taesan says something. "It's so pretty, Leehan. Thank you. And I really like the rose decorations."

Leehan chuckles, able to finally breathe. "Grandma's kind of obsessed with roses."

"I can see that," Taesan smiles, his eyes crinkled. "But, you really shouldn't have gone through all this trouble for me. I never did anything for your birthday."

"You didn't know, remember? And, I wanted to do this for you," Leehan confesses. "In fact I had a lot of fun making the cake. If it makes you feel better, just think of this as us celebrating our birthdays together. So c'mon, make a wish and blow out the candles."

Taesan snorts. "Really?"

"Yes. It's tradition. I also don't want the candles melting into the cake." 

"Fine." Taesan stays still for a moment, an unreadable emotion on his face, and then he blows out the candles, looking like he's holding back something.

Leehan refrains from asking what it is and claps, before scooting closer to him.

Leehan pulls out the box. "Here's my gift." He hands it over. "I also didn't buy it, but I really, really hope you like it. You can um, open it anytime you want. I'll be in the kitchen, uh, bringing the plates for the cake."

Leehan sounds like an idiot, but he can't help the hold Taesan has on him. By the time he's prepared the plates and cutlery, he hears the tearing of wrapping paper, and his heart almost shoots up his throat.

Leehan's anticipating the worst when he returns, only to spot a look of sheer wonder on Taesan's features as he regards the photos on his lap.

"These pictures," he says, voice barely above a whisper. "Were they… taken by you?"

Leehan settles the plates on the table before he drops them. "Yeah. I um, try to take pictures of anything that catches my eye. Mountains, sunsets, that time I visited Kyoto with my mom, you name it. I've been doing this for around two years now, I think."

"It's a little conceited of me to give you this as a gift, right?" Leehan jokes, because joking is how he eases his nerves.

But Taesan looks so bewildered that Leehan even brought up that possibility. "No fucking way, Leehan. These are so good. I've been curious about your pictures ever since I saw the one you posted, but I never got the chance to ask you about it."

"You really think so?"

"I don't bullshit things like this, Leehan," Taesan confirms, and Leehan doesn't know why, but whenever Taesan swears he gets unbelievably sexier. Leehan won't ever admit that, though. At least not right now. "Thank you for the pictures, but aren't they important to you?"

Leehan smiles. "That's why I gave them as a gift, so you could have a piece of my memories with you."

Taesan laughs, leaning into Leehan in the process. Leehan loves it. "Sometimes I forget how cheesy you can be, but then you quickly remind me."

"Hey, a right amount of cheese can actually be good," Leehan rushes to defend himself. "I know, because I can see how happy you are right now. And that makes me glad."

Taesan's smile falters, his dark brown eyes shinier than usual, almost as if he's about to cry. Then he holds the back of Leehan's neck and connects their lips without a word, taking his breath away.

Leehan hadn't expected that, but he quickly adjusts, angling his head so that he can get more of Taesan's kisses. So that he can get more of Taesan. 

There's something intense about this kiss even though it only lasts for mere seconds. When Taesan presses their foreheads together, the pure adoration in his eyes sets Leehan's heart ablaze.

"Thank you for doing this for me, Leehan," Taesan mutters.

Leehan swallows thickly, a million and one thoughts in his head. And they're all about Taesan. "Anything for you."

Chapter Text

leehan
So I'm having this dinner thing with my family
I’ll definitely get bored and ik you probably have better things to do

leehan
But I'm pretty sure by the time I'm done with this dinner I'm gonna wanna pluck my eyeballs out
Sorry for being so graphic lol

leehan
No pressure

When Taesan replies in less than five seconds, Leehan immediately halts his vacuuming to check what he sent.

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
i dont think i’ll be free
moms bringing grandma over and a bunch of other relatives for this get together she's planning

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
so i'm basically gonna be stuck there for a while

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
but im gonna try to keep you company okay

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
is your dad coming?

Leehan has only ever mentioned the man a few times (because the mere thought of him is enough to piss him off for hours), but Taesan's already aware of how much Leehan dislikes him. 

leehan
Yeah
But not all hope is lost
Joohyuk's gonna be there too 

Leehan told Taesan a couple days after Riwoo's birthday a little more about his family history. Of course, he wasn't ready to reveal the whole thing; just how Joohyuk is his half-brother and how Leehan still loved him irregardless of Sangwook's attempts to shove a wedge in their relationship. 

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
thats great :)
hopefully you guys have a great time together
but no more going to him for advice

Leehan chuckles at Taesan's latest text, wondering what else he should send to keep the guy occupied this early afternoon. The clanging of metal disrupts Leehan's train of thought.

"Leehan," Sangmi sings from the kitchen, and that's how Leehan knows she wants him to go back to work. "The living room still has areas that need to be vacuumed."

"Yes – of course." Leehan erupts into action, quickly turning on the vacuum cleaner. He can feel his grandmother's eyes boring into his back, and while he's able to fake being oblivious for a bit, something draws his gaze to her.

Sangmi's got flour on her hands and some on her left cheek (a result of the buchimgae she's making, perhaps), and while she isn't necessarily smiling, her deep brown eyes are piqued with genuine interest.

She washes her hands, still glancing Leehan's way. "Who were you texting just now?"

Leehan clears his throat, trying to take a note out of Taesan's blank and void™ look. It sort of amuses him, as he's sure that if Taesan heard his thoughts right then he'd punch Leehan's arm the way he always does when he feels teased. 

"Just a friend," is what Leehan decides on, zeroing in on this imaginary dirty spot that totally needs to be vacuumed.

Leehan's grandma hums, which makes him nervous, because he doesn't know what it means. "Just a friend, huh."

"Yep," Leehan needlessly adds. There's a bit of guilt in there since he's lying to Sangmi, but he values Taesan's privacy and comfort so much that a little white lie doesn't seem so bad.

With his back turned, Leehan isn't sure what she's doing. But the silence is killing him, so he says, "I can tell those pancakes are coming on nicely, Grandma."

"I haven't even fried them yet."

Fuck. "Well, you always make the best buchimgae, so."

Sangmi chuckles, a bright sound that bubbles up from her chest. "Leehan, you don't need to do this. I know you really like that person you were texting. That smile of yours gives it away a hundred percent."

Leehan pauses his vacuuming – but quickly continues to not seem so obvious. He's positive Sangmi totally noticed it. Shit.

"Leehan-ah?"

"Yeah?" Leehan switches off the vacuum cleaner and turns to see Sangmi gently slicing some onions. It's similar to how she designed Taesan's cake; everything she does is done with precision and care. So much care.

"You know I won't make a fuss over who you like, right?" Sangmi continues, adding in the mushroom and a green chili pepper. "And why would I, anyway? I'm your grandma, and every grandma wants her grandkids to be happy. At least I think every grandma does."

Leehan smiles, finally able to release the strained breath he'd been holding in. "I mean, grandmas do have a reputation of being kind and accepting."

"Exactly," Sangmi replies as she places the pan over the stove. "So you can tell me anything, dear. I'll always support whatever you do, okay?"

It's a wonder how someone like Sangwook is her son, but then again, if it wasn't for his father Leehan wouldn't have gotten to know such a great woman.

Leehan grins, bounding up to her to give her a big hug. It catches her by surprise, considering her face is now pressed to his chest.

She pats Leehan's side, which means he should let go now. He obeys, catching how her lips curve into a smile. "Jeez, how are you so tall? What have you been eating?"

"Whatever you've been making," Leehan answers with an identical smile of his own. "And thank you, Grandma. For saying that."

"Why would you need to thank me for that?" Sangmi questions, looking absolutely baffled.

Because it makes things easier. "I'm just really grateful I have someone like you in my life," Leehan confesses.

Sangmi's eyes soften, and this time, she's the one pulling Leehan in for a hug. "I'm happy I have someone like you in my life as well, Leehan."

+

As evening arrives, the sun sinks towards the horizon, leaving trails of fiery orange behind. The puffy clouds are tinged in peach, reminding Leehan of cotton candy, and he has the urge to head out and snap a picture of the gorgeous scene. But he's too high-strung at the moment, as he's expecting people who would surely put him in a terrible mood.

Be calm, be calm, be calm, Leehan tells himself the minute a familiar sleek black jeep rolls into view. He's the one who said he'd be okay with this, after all.

Another car enters, but all Leehan can focus on is Sangwook's scathing glare as Dami pulls Joohyuk out of the car. He's always been like this: impatient and rough as if everyone in the world is just wasting his time. 

The man and woman from the second car are probably Dami's parents, and Leehan inhales a shallow breath. He's so not ready for this.

"Leehan dear, stop staring through the window and come put the dishes on the table."

Leehan tears himself away to do what Sangmi asks of him. Be calm, be calm, be calm. 

The meals smell immaculate, and coupled with the large servings of other traditional Korean meals, everything looks like a real feast. If only Leehan could spend tonight with just Sangmi and Joohyuk – even with Taesan – he would be happy. 

It's when he's placing the plates and utensils on the dining table that he hears voices seeping past the front door, all engaged in conversation with his grandma. Leehan keeps his expression intact as he finishes up the arrangements, but his eye twitches when Sangwook appears with his wife at his side. 

Dami is smiling at Leehan the way she always does when she sees people she's unfamiliar with, clad in a sparkling black dress that matches the dark form-fitted suit Sangwook never fails to have on. Joohyuk is even dressed in a tuxedo of his own, visibly in discomfort from the material. Leehan's jaw clenches at the sight. 

When Sangmi arrives with Dami's parents, however, he forces on an easy going smile, hoping it reaches his eyes. Fortunately, his charm works wonders on them, because they're shaking his hand and greeting him like they've known him for years.

"I never knew Sangwook here had a son this tall and handsome," Mr Lim, Dami's dad comments as he gives Leehan a pat on the back. He hits a little too hard, but Leehan is determined to put on his best behavior today.

Sangwook flashes a thin smile, his hooded eyes dark and conniving. "Don't be fooled by his appearance, sir. That boy's gotten himself in more trouble than I can count."

Mr Lim just laughs, probably thinking it's a joke. 

Sangmi quickly comes to Leehan's rescue. "Please everyone, let's have a seat."

Before Sangwook can order out his family's seating arrangements, Joohyuk rushes to the chair beside Leehan, and Leehan's chest swells with warmth. He can feel Sangwook's hard stare, but he's too ecstatic to let the man's anger dwindle his happiness.

"Wish I wore only a dress shirt like you did," Joohyuk whispers as everyone else is taking their seats. "Mom agreed, but Dad wanted me to dress the same as him."

Because he hates someone having a mind of their own and takes pleasure in ruining my day. Instead of saying this, however, Leehan leans in with a smile. "It looks really good on you though. But don't worry, once we start the desserts, you'll be able to take off that tuxedo."

That is, if Sangwook even bothers staying for dessert, Leehan thinks. He doesn't want his father lingering longer than necessary, but he could handle all his verbal jabs and icy stares if it meant he and Joohyuk got to hang out some more. 

Joohyuk pouts, not looking entirely satisfied with that option, but ends up nodding nonetheless. 

While the image of Sangwook chatting and laughing along with his grandma, Dami and her parents like he's the perfect father is certainly enough to make Leehan lose his appetite, he doesn't let that discourage him from cutting out a piece of beef for himself and some japchae. 

He adds whatever Joohyuk wants to his plate too, making sure to keep them separate as he likes his food to not touch. 

Zoning out of all the conversations happening around him, Leehan discreetly checks his phone under the table to see if he's gotten any texts. When he sees that he has some from Taesan, his back immediately straightens and he feels a smile creeping up his face.

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
the get together just started and i already want it to be over
riwoo was there but then ditched me for my grandma's rice cakes :( 

Leehan can't help but chuckle softly when he imagines Taesan pouting at his phone. He realizes he's never actually seen Taesan pout, but he's pretty sure it's a devastatingly adorable sight. 

Taesan then types something out but erases it at the last second. Before Leehan can start to overthink, a new text pops across the screen.

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
i wish you were here with me

It's just a simple text, but it's more than enough to send Leehan's heart soaring. He also wishes he was with Taesan right now, wishes he could hug him tight and kiss him so hard all his worries melted away.

leehan
I wish I was with you too
I know I'll see you soon, but I still miss you ❤

Shit, was that too much? Leehan panics the second he sends these texts. He added the heart emoji so easily, and now he might've just made things way too awkward. 

To make matters worse, Taesan doesn't reply as quickly as he usually does.

"Is that the boy colder than Uranus? Taesan?" Leehan hears all of a sudden, only to catch Joohyuk peering over his phone screen. His voice, while quiet enough, catches the attention of Dami's mother. 

"Taesan?" she says out loud. "Who's that?"

Joohyuk's mouth opens to say something, but Leehan quickly intercepts with an answer of his own. "No one."

It makes him cringe to address Taesan that way, but Leehan can't risk divulging his business to people he doesn't know – or like.

But Dami's dad just smirks as if he's in on whatever secret Leehan is hiding, taking a sip of water. "Honey, I'm sure Taesan's just the name he gives to hide that he's seeing some girl, no big deal about it. You know how teenagers are."

Leehan wants to smack that glass out of his hand, but knows that'll come with dire consequences. 

"So you have a girlfriend, huh," Sangwook decides to comment. He's smiling, but it can't be any less kind. "Why haven't you introduced her to us?"

"There's no need to," Leehan answers, his cadence as sharp as knives.

Sangwook's eyebrows arch as if Leehan's just acting out for no reason. "But, aren't we your family? So there shouldn't be any problems. Unless you've got something to hide."

By the time he's done talking, Leehan's fuming on the inside, struggling to hold himself back from saying something he'd regret.

A hand slams on the table, startling everyone. "Enough, Sangwook." It's Leehan’s grandma. "We came here to have a peaceful, loving dinner, and the last thing I want is for you to ruin this for the rest of us. So keep your negative comments and opinions to yourself, son. Thank you."

Her words certainly keep Sangwook silent for the rest of dinner, and Leehan shoots her a grateful glance. 

'No worries,' she mouths when no one else is looking.

Leehan doesn't get another text from Taesan until the dessert is being served, and as soon as his contact name appears on the screen, Leehan rushes to check what he sent.

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
sorry for replying so late
mom was like, no phones

leehan
Really?? Why?

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
her house, her rules or whatever. didnt want to cause a scene
but i miss you too
a lot

Again, Taesan is able to make Leehan grin within seconds. Now, he couldn't care less about Sangwook and his infuriating ways. Taesan's much more important.

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
i kinda want to ask you something

leehan
Hit me

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
i know you're working at that pizza place, and i was wondering if i should… look for a job as well

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
i just
im a bit worried
and i just want to start saving up some more

Joohyuk nudges Leehan for some pancakes, and he readily hands a plate over to him.

leehan
Is something going on?

Taesan takes a moment to respond.

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
no
um
i just wanted to know if you could help

leehan
Of course I can Taesan
I'm gonna ask Jia if there's any spots available, ok?

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
thanks 

leehan
You're welcome
What do I get in return 😏 (kidding btw)

taesan
what do you want?

It's an innocent question, but Leehan's mind descends into the gutter and he hates himself for it. Thankfully, Taesan – and everyone in this room for that matter – can't read his mind. 

leehan
Anything's fine, I wasn't really serious about it
As long as I'm with you I'm okay with anything

Taesan doesn't reply for a minute, but when he finally does, his text is concerning.

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
youre too nice to me
i dont deserve it

Leehan looks up from his phone and notices that everyone else is still engaged with each other. So he stands up, tells Joohyuk he'll be back soon, and walks over to Sangmi's side.

"Can I be excused for a moment?" Leehan asks.

The woman's brows knit with worry, but ultimately she nods. "Sure, Leehan."

He heads up the stairs as fast as he can, and when he's finally in the confines of his bedroom, he's able to really focus on what Taesan sent him.

leehan
Can I call you?

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
okay

Leehan flops onto his bed and dials Taesan's number, which he picks up in no time.

"Hey, Tae," Leehan greets. There's silence on the other line, so he's guessing Taesan is inside his room as well. "What did you mean back there? When you said you don't deserve me being nice to you?"

Taesan exhales, and it sounds shaky and disoriented. "I – It doesn't mean anything."

"Taesan –"

"I don't wanna talk about it," Taesan says, his tone stern enough to leave no room for objections. " I agreed to let you call me because I wanted to hear your voice."

Leehan's stomach flip flops. "My voice?"

"Yes." It's then he realizes how deep Taesan's voice gets on the phone, his words taking on this melodious quality that's frankly a little hypnotizing. " So… so just keep talking, because I like hearing you speak, Leehan."

Oh . Leehan lays there on the bed speechless, his cheeks red hot and his thoughts in disarray. Jesus Christ.

"Leehan?"

"Here! I'm here, um – " Leehan coughs, his dress shirt suddenly feeling a bit too tight. "What do you want me to, uh, to talk about?"

"Anything."

Leehan clears his throat. "I um, I jog a lot early in the morning. It helps calm me down and clear my head. I also really like pizza – especially meat lover's because it's really delicious. And um, I used to have a teddy bear as a kid named Mr Jingles because I got it during Christmas. But he couldn't sing, so that was a disappointment."

Leehan keeps talking, exposing brief tidbits of his life, and Taesan keeps listening. And it's nice. Leehan feels special because Taesan listens in with rapt interest, no matter how inconsequential the information is. That is, until Leehan mentions that he pours his milk first before the cereal.

"Monster," Taesan whispers, which sends the both of them into fits of laughter.

God, Leehan doesn't think he'd ever get enough of this.

+

It's the Saturday after that dreaded get-together, and Leehan doesn't have to go to work today. Taesan is back at his place again, his bedroom almost as familiar as his and Riwoo's by now.

The hazy sunshine tips past the windows, casting a soft, pale light on Leehan's skin and making his brown hair golden. His tongue slightly pokes out in concentration as he looks through the photos on his camera, and while there's nothing being said, Taesan's never felt quite so peaceful.

Of course, Leehan notices his stare soon enough, and the tip of his ears turn this lovely pink shade. "What?"

"Sungho said in the group chat earlier that he wants to host this party tomorrow," Taesan blurts out, ripping off the metaphorical band aid in case Leehan isn't on board with it. "Something to cheer us up before we get swamped with exams."

Leehan pauses, then blinks. "Wait, really?"

He sounds okay with it, to Taesan's relief, with the way his honey brown eyes light up. It's always so interesting looking at his eyes, especially with the way they shine when he's in a great mood. 

Taesan can breathe a little easier now. "Yeah. Sungho's pretty excited about it. Riwoo's also in on it, and don't worry, there won't be any alcohol. Mostly because Sungho's little brother will be around and he's going to snitch."

Leehan snorts at this, eyes crinkling at the corners. Strands of his hair fall over his face, and Taesan resists the urge to tuck them behind his ears, not wanting to seem clingy or weird. It's strange how one boy managed to sneak his way into his heart and make a space just for him. If someone had told Taesan three months ago that the new kid would become a person so dear to him, he would've laughed and called them insane. 

But here he is in Leehan's room, admiring his features and how his slight tan prettily contrasts the cerulean blue shirt he's wearing. Taesan loves seeing Leehan in blue, especially in the lighter shades, because it just suits him and highlights his vibrance. He looks alive in blue, more himself than ever. And Taesan loves it when Leehan's in his element, because it gives him hope.

"You're staring," Leehan says, but it's obvious he enjoys it when Taesan looks at him. Taesan enjoys it too because Leehan gets uncharacteristically bashful, and it's lowkey entertaining to witness.

So Taesan shifts closer, resting his head on Leehan's shoulder. "You're gorgeous."

Taesan swears Leehan's breath hitches right then, but before he gets the chance to put that theory to the test, Leehan shuts the distance between them with his lips.

By now, Taesan has kissed Leehan enough to know what gets him going. He easily sinks onto the bed and lets Leehan crawl on top of him, combing his hands through his hair and giving it the right amount of tugs to drive him crazy. Leehan smiles against the kiss, his tongue soon entering Taesan's mouth, which makes him shiver. He's never felt this needy before.

It's too pleasurable to ignore though, and Taesan craves more of Leehan's touches. Hooked and intoxicated on his scent and the way Leehan's skin brushes against his, Taesan's hands drift under the hem of his shirt, the flimsy fabric easily exposing his stomach. 

Leehan abruptly stiffens, and when Taesan's eyes snap open, his jaw is clenched. Fearing he made Leehan upset, Taesan attempts to move away, but Leehan stops him by gripping his forearm.

"I'm sorry," Leehan lets out, looking Taesan in the eye.

"Why would you be sorry?" Taesan questions, because he doesn't get it at first. Then he glances down at Leehan's torso, and Leehan flinches as if he got stung. "...Is it because of the scar?"

Leehan averts his stare, shame brewing on his face. Taesan hates seeing him like this, so broken and distraught, and he gently lures him into his arms to comfort him. "Come here."

Leehan effortlessly melts into his touch, his head buried on his chest. "I'm sorry," Leehan apologizes again. "For messing things up just 'cause I got insecure."

"You didn't mess anything up, Leehan," Taesan reassures him. He's never seen the guy this shaken up before, and it makes everything all the more serious. "And it's alright to feel insecure. You don't have to feel ashamed, because I won't judge you. I will never judge you for this."

Leehan holds Taesan tighter but Taesan doesn't mind. He spends a few seconds just tenderly patting Leehan's hair. Leehan's breaths slow, letting Taesan know he's calming down.

"You can tell me anything – but it's totally okay if you don't want to," Taesan says.

Taesan waits until Leehan grabs his camera, turns it on and flicks through several pictures until he lands on the one he wants. Then, he passes it to Taesan.

It's a picture of a younger, shorter Leehan and a man that looks like his father, standing next to a silver sports car. The sky's a deep gray, rife with clouds, but it fails to hide the blatant pain in Leehan's eyes.

"I hate this picture, even though my grandma was the one who took it," Leehan starts, not looking at Taesan. "But I still have it with me as a way of… y'know, seeing how far I've come from being that angry, self-absorbed sixteen-year-old boy."

"I also crashed that sports car," he adds, playing with his fingers. "It was my dad's favorite, so you can imagine how mad he was when he found out."

Leehan's words take Taesan by surprise. "Woah. He deserves it, though."

That gets a chuckle out of Leehan, at least, though it's not as joyful as his usual ones. "I did a lot of crazy shit back then."

"How did it happen? I mean, the car crash?" Taesan asks, cautious, not wanting to say the wrong thing.

"I was at a party of one of my friends at Woosang Prep, and I kept thinking of mom's death. It was like the entire world was against me – everything just felt so unfair." Leehan stares at the ceiling, a dark look in his eyes. "I know I should've stayed off the road in that state, and it's something I regret to this day. But I... I hated that after Mom died, my father had already moved on. He – he even cheated on her right until she passed away. The mistress is his new wife now."

Taesan swallows thickly, at a loss for words. Fury scorches his being due to all the shit Leehan's father had put him through. It hurts even more since he knows very well how it feels to have a parent betray you. "That's so fucked up. I'm so sorry. Your dad's a real piece of shit."

"Can't disagree with you there," Leehan replies. He draws unknown shapes across Taesan's chest, and it tickles lightly. "As soon as he heard I crashed the car he had enough and sent me to my grandma. Didn't visit me once when I got admitted to the hospital."

It's fucked up, but it's almost hilarious how similar their pasts are. Taesan is proud that Leehan trusts him enough to bare this part of himself to him. So proud.

"...I spent a lot of months at the hospital as well," Taesan admits, biting his lip. "My dad also didn't like showing up."

Leehan frowns, and Taesan avoids his gaze. It's hard to look someone in the eye when you're sharing something so deeply personal.

"Can I ask you something?" Taesan then questions.

"Yeah, of course."

"Your scar…" Taesan finally watches Leehan, the boy's eyes this unbelievably pretty shade, like sun-warmed whiskey. "Can I take a look at it?"

Leehan doesn't immediately react – which nearly sends Taesan into a panic – but then he slowly sits up, and takes off his shirt. 

In any other situation, Taesan would've been dumbstruck at seeing Leehan shirtless all alone. Nevertheless, it's certainly not hard at all to admire his broad shoulders and fit physique. But Taesan isn't here to ogle him like a hormonal teenager; he's here to offer his support.

The scar's still the same, thin and long. Taesan traces it all the way past Leehan's belly button, and Leehan shudders under his touch.

"Got it after the accident," Leehan confesses, observing Taesan's actions. "I injured myself so badly I had to have an emergency surgery. Also developed a magnesium deficiency later on, that's why I struggle with muscle cramps now."

"That fucking sucks."

"At least I'm not dead."

Taesan tenses up. "Don't joke about that."

Leehan sighs. "Sorry. Was just trying to lighten the mood."

Taesan quickly feels bad. "I should be the one apologizing. I'm sorry I got all defensive. It's just... I almost died and I don't want to lose the people precious to me."

At this, Leehan's eyes widen, his cheeks tinged in red. "Wait – really?"

Taesan nods, shy. "Yep. But I'd like to change the subject."

"Yes, yes, of course," Leehan hurriedly nods, though the shock on his face hasn't subsided. And Taesan doesn't blame him; he finds it hard to believe how close he was to losing everything, sometimes. 

When Leehan goes to pull on his shirt, Taesan rushes to stop him, suddenly impulsive.

"I like you shirtless," Taesan admits before his nerves get to him. Then he reaches for Leehan's camera, switching it on. "You look good like this. Can I take a picture?"

Leehan gulps, his cheeks glowing a deeper red. "Uh, yeah, you can. Just –" he shifts closer, his fingers like a live wire on Taesan's skin while he adjusts his hands. "There you go."

Taesan takes the first picture, and sure enough, Leehan is just as photogenic as he'd imagined. "Can you lie down on the bed? And place your right arm behind your head. I have an idea."

"This feels a little erotic," Leehan jokes. He listens regardless, and Taesan is able to snap another picture, this one showcasing more of his scar. Like it’s in on his plan, the sunlight bathes Leehan's body, making him shimmer. His skin sparkles, his eyes reminding Taesan of a sunrise; he's basically an Adonis. 

Taesan may not be a pro at taking pictures like Leehan is, but he's pretty sure he succeeded at capturing something unforgettable. 

Leehan smirks, though it's not that confident. "How do I look?"

Taesan shows him the results. "Your scar appears, but it doesn't matter in the slightest. You're seriously beautiful."

Leehan turns even redder, blushing all the way to his chest. He proceeds to half-hug, half-kiss Taesan, and just as he shuts his eyes to indulge in it, he hears the recognizable click of the camera shutter.

As soon as he looks at Leehan, his smile is one of pure mischief. "You just took a picture."

"Mhm." Leehan kisses Taesan again, and again, and again, snapping a new photo each time. Taesan can't get annoyed because Leehan looks so happy doing it.

This spirals into them making out yet again, but this time the camera's involved. Taesan even takes some when Leehan kisses his forehead, and others when he's kissing his neck. It's a little bold, a little crazy, but Taesan can't deny how much fun he's having.

+

"I put the yellow card down, and then you pinched me to put a red on top of it," Sungho's currently saying to Riwoo, his stare like daggers as he nearly crushes the remaining cards in his hands.

"I did not," Riwoo gasps, eyes wide and defensive. "You put down a four, and so did I!"

"It was an eight!" Sungho exclaims.

"It was a four."

"Oh my god, guys," Sunoo perks up beside Sungho, his blond highlights contrasting Sungho's wavy dark hair. "Let's just shuffle the cards again and start over, hm?"

Woonhak immediately nods, looking a little scared for his life. Taesan learned he's the youngest in a family of six, so chaos is probably a daily occurrence for him. "Yes. Amen to that."

"It was an eight," Sungho still insists, but with Sunoo's arms around him, he starts to loosen up.

Taesan spares Leehan an 'I'm very sorry' glance, which Leehan just chuckles at, his lips twitching in amusement. Sungho had invited Sunoo and Woonhak so the meet up could 'feel more like a party', and everything had been going alright until Riwoo decided they should play UNO. Then things went downhill from there.

Taesan is usually fine with his friends arguing for argument's sake, but not when they're supposed to be having a great time.

He figures he must look as frustrated as he feels, because Leehan gently kicks him right then, snapping him out of his thoughts.

"Don't worry," Leehan leans in to whisper. "This is very entertaining."

"I seriously doubt that."

"No. Really." Leehan rests his hand on Taesan's thigh, and while no one is watching, it has Taesan's mind spiraling. "I'm having fun, Taesan."

I want to kiss him so bad, Taesan thinks. Instead, he shifts a little closer so he has an excuse to touch him. It's pathetic how scared he is to come out to his accepting friends, but Taesan can't help it. He wants to live his life the way he wants, but something in him feels undeserving of that.

"Guys?" Riwoo suddenly addresses him and Leehan. "We reshuffled the cards."

"Awesome," Leehan remarks, reaching for a card. Unfortunately Taesan reaches for the card at the same time, causing their hands to brush. It's swift, but Leehan's thumb kind of hooks onto his, and Taesan's face burns.

And god, everyone's watching. Staring. The room seems smaller all of a sudden, like it's about to swallow Taesan whole. He can't take it.

He leaps to his feet. "Need to use the bathroom."

Without waiting for a reply Taesan dashes away, able to finally breathe when he's inside the bathroom and hidden from the outside world.

He splashes his face with water as a means to clear his head but it doesn't work, so he just resorts to staying in there until all the noise drowns out.

Taesan isn't sure how much time he spends, but when there's a knock on the bathroom door, he figures he's probably been here for a while.

"Taesan?" The voice is muffled, but Taesan knows it belongs to Riwoo. "Can I come in?"

No. "...Okay."

The door creaks open and footsteps enter. Riwoo's then next to Taesan, worry etched onto his features.

"I'm not okay, so don't bother asking," Taesan says, glaring at nothing.

"Thanks for the heads up." Riwoo nods, his smile nothing but kind. "Can I ask what's up, though?"

I keep hiding things from you and pushing you away. "I don't want to talk about it."

"Alright. Then let's talk about me."

This gets Taesan. He looks at his best friend, puzzled. "Did something happen?"

"...You know Myungj04, right?" Riwoo eventually begins, fingers tapping against his thigh. He does this when he's a bundle of nerves. "Well, the guy knows me, goes to the same school as us, and he told me last night that he wanted to meet up in person. I didn't know what to say, so I just… left him on read. I should've just said yes, right?"

When Taesan watches Riwoo for the second time, he's surprised at how contemplative he appears. "He lied to you about who he was."

"Yeah, I know. But we had a lot of great conversations and talked a bunch about shit that was personal. He may have lied about his gender, but I don't think he lied about those things." Riwoo's finger tapping increases. "I think he liked me for real."

Taesan's mind stills. "Wait, Riwoo…"

"I liked Myungj04 a lot, and that was when I thought he was a girl," Riwoo reveals. "But – but then he said he wasn't, and that should've shut down those feelings. But I still felt them. I still feel them."

Oh. "Shit, Riwoo."

"I seriously have no idea what to do," Riwoo concludes, looking absolutely upset. And Taesan can't believe he was so caught up in his own head that he failed to be there for his closest friend.

Taesan hugs Riwoo with all his might, his guilt all-encompassing. “You've been dealing with this all this time, and I never once noticed or asked how you were."

Riwoo hugs Taesan back just as tightly. "Absolutely no blaming yourself, Taesan. I didn't let you know ‘cause I didn't wanna burden you or Sungho with my problems. I'm also really good at hiding things."

That only worsens the guilt. "I should've never made you feel like you had to hide things from me." Hypocrite.

"It's okay, Taesan," Riwoo reassures. "I'm okay."

"If you decide to meet him, I'm coming along, okay? You can't say no," Taesan says.

Riwoo laughs, unrestrained, nodding against Taesan's shoulder. He sounds so at ease now – back to his normal self. Free. "Roger that."

Taesan wishes he could be like him.

Chapter Text

"Well what do you mean Riwoo's meeting the love of his life in front of this conveniently placed fake bush?" Sungho whispers to everyone as soon as Taesan forces him to duck so Riwoo won't see him gaping over the greenery.

"I mean exactly what I just said, Sungho. Riwoo's meeting his online crush here and you need to believe me." Taesan looks to the other person next to him who's also crouching to avoid suspicion, that boyish smile of theirs appearing as soon as their eyes meet. "Leehan, help."

It's the Saturday after their exams, and when light snow started settling from the sky, Riwoo got more convinced than ever that he should meet Myungj04 at the mall so at least their first encounter would be in public. He allowed Taesan, Sungho and Leehan to tag along at first, but then he changed his mind and wanted to meet the guy all alone. 

But Taesan didn't want anything happening to his best friend – and he still doesn't, resulting in this impulsive plan of hiding behind bushes to see if Riwoo's 'date' goes well.

"Okay, how about this." Leehan keeps his voice hushed, his eyes twinkling with something in them. "We wait till the guy shows up, sits in front of Riwoo, and starts talking to him, and then we go bowling or something. That sound good?"

Sungho claps, but with his fingers. "Yes! I've been wanting to go bowling for ages now."

"Riwoo will be fine," Leehan continues, nudging Taesan's shoulder that way he does when he wants to provide some comfort. "He knows what he's doing, and I'm sure he won't take it too kindly if he catches us spying on him."

"Yeah, but…" Taesan sighs, realizing Leehan has a point. Riwoo does know what he's doing, but Taesan is still feeling too much guilt over being such a shit friend.

Leehan's gaze grows soft and tender, focused only on Taesan. "What do you say, huh? We hang out at the bowling alley, just us?"

Taesan's heart skips a beat, as he's clearly talking about going on a date. Fuck. 

"Am I interrupting something here, you guys?" Sungho inquires at that very moment, squinting his brown eyes like he can see right through them.

Leehan throws an arm around Taesan's shoulder. "Just us bros having a super secret bro conversation."

Oh my god.

Before Leehan can say anything more incriminating, Riwoo suddenly appears more alert than ever as a guy steps over to where he is.

"Boys," Sungho whispers, noticing as well. "I think we got him."

The guy's a little shorter than Leehan, donned in a plain gray hoodie with his hands shoved into his pockets like he's trying to draw as little attention to himself as possible. It's when he pulls down his hood and graces Riwoo with a small, anxious smile that Taesan recognizes him as one of the guys from the football team.

"Jaehyun?" Leehan voices out next to Taesan, clearly surprised. 

That's when it all clicks. Myungj04 is Myung Jaehyun, an athlete that hangs out with other athletes who take pleasure in making fun of others and calling whoever they see fit slurs. Taesan has to wonder how it feels to be gay in the midst of such intolerant people, and how the hell he still continued to hang out with them for this long.

"Can't believe Riwoo fell for a jock." Sungho scrunches his face like he just ate a lemon. "But y'know, a bestie's gotta be supportive."

Riwoo's shaking Jaehyun's hand now as if they're meeting up for something professional, and Taesan can feel the awkwardness all the way from here. But then Riwoo's smiling at something Jaehyun says, causing Jaehyun's ears to redden.

"Okay – I take that back. They're cute," Sungho gushes, and it's contagious enough to erase every last bit of Taesan's worry.

"You're right," Leehan agrees, and Taesan can feel his eyes on him. "They are cute."

It seems to be going well. That is, until Sungho stumbles over a stray branch, causing the entire bush to rustle. Jaehyun then looks over Riwoo's shoulder, definitely noticing the commotion.

"Crap. We've been spotted. Abort, abort," Sungho commands, and thus everyone dashes off as quickly as they can, hoping Riwoo hadn't seen anything. 

Taesan is only aware of how insane this entire thing was once they're finally inside the loud bowling alley, and he can't help but laugh despite how breathless he feels.

"Fuck," Sungho exhales, his long hair looking like he just got into a cat fight. "That was wild."

"I don't know, but I think Riwoo saw," Taesan comments, because he's been friends with the guy long enough to know he has eyes at the back of his head at times.

"Doesn't matter now, does it? Riwoo's still gonna have a fun time with his date," Leehan grins and runs a hand through his hair. Under the funky, fluorescent lights, it looks more violet than brown. Taesan suddenly wonders how Leehan would look in pastel purple hair.

"Fuck, I need something to drink," Sungho announces, fanning himself. "You guys want something before we start bowling? Pizza? Burgers and fries? Doesn't matter as long as we're splitting the bill."

"Burgers and some fries would be nice," Taesan mumbles, his thoughts already a mess. Sungho is going to order and leave him and Leehan alone. It's no big deal. Stop freaking out so much, he thinks, all to no avail.

"I second that," Leehan adds, looking right at Taesan. And fuck, anytime he does that Taesan's entire body flushes. 

"Any soda's good, right?" Sungho asks, fixing up his attire. His preppy outfit fits right in with the ambience of this place, as well as Leehan's pretty tie-dyed hoodie. They both look so colorful, so vivid, that Taesan feels a little like a sore thumb in his dark and gloomy ensemble. 

"Yep," Leehan answers for the both of them, and when Sungho goes to order, he and Taesan sit at a free table away from everyone else. Pop music echoes throughout the vicinity, the bass line booming, and when Leehan's eyes lock with Taesan's once again, everything becomes more intimate. 

"So," Leehan starts, kind of stretching a hand to Taesan over the table. Even when no one is watching, it still takes a second for Taesan to place his hand over Leehan's own. 

"So…" Taesan mirrors, and the two of them break out into laughs. "Um, I just realized something."

Leehan's eyes darken under the neon lights, exhilarating.  "What did you realize?"

"That we're all a little gay here." Taesan tries to make a joke out of it, but his voice falters at the end, revealing just how astounded he is about it.

"Oh." Leehan bites his lip in thought. "I think it was a while ago, but I heard something about how people who aren't straight kinda find their way to each other."

"Like magnets?"

"Like magnets," Leehan affirms. "Sorta like how I got drawn to you the second I first saw you that Thursday in September."

His words hit Taesan like a freight train, because – has it really been four months since he met Leehan for the first time? Time has passed so quickly, yet Taesan feels like he's known him his entire life. 

A question pops into Taesan's head and he rubs his neck, not knowing how to go about asking it. Leehan, unsurprisingly, catches up on it.

He folds his arms on the table. "What's up? You know you can tell me whatever's on your mind."

"It's just…" Taesan inhales a shallow breath. "Before you met me, did you... like another guy?"

Judging by how silent Leehan gets, he hadn't expected that sort of question. "No," he responds eventually.

Heat swarms Taesan's entire chest. "Oh."

"Why did you ask?"

"If you've never liked another guy the way you like me," Taesan scratches his neck again, tugging at his collar, "then how – how did you get used to it so quickly?"

"Get used to what? Me liking you?" Leehan asks.

"Yeah." Taesan nods, picking at his nails. They're already crooked and hurt, but he doesn't care. "How did you accept that part of you so easily?"

Leehan smiles like he knows something Taesan doesn't. "It wasn't easy, Taesan. And like I said before – and you yourself admitted – you were kind of a dick to me, so it made everything a lot more complicated. Imagine having the hots for someone who hated your guts."

Taesan averts his eyes. "I'm sorry."

Leehan nudges Taesan's foot with his. "Apology was already accepted long ago, cutie."

The heat in Taesan's chest rushes to his face. 

"I realized along the way that there was no point in trying to fight something I felt. Life's too short, y'know, and I want to do what feels right to me," Leehan says. "Of course, I'm not trying to force you into anything you aren't ready for."

Taesan nods, enamored yet a little envious of how confident Leehan is in himself. "I get it. And I wish I could be like that."

"Whether you are or aren't," Leehan grasps Taesan's hands, "I'll always be there by your side, okay?"

A lump forms in Taesan's throat, a series of emotions swirling within his chest. "...Do you want to be my boyfriend, Leehan?"

Leehan's brows almost touch his hairline in shock, but before he gets the chance to reply, Sungho rushes towards their table with their food and drinks.

"Voila." He grins, his smile big and bright. He looks between them. "Did I miss something?"

Taesan grabs a burger and takes a bite. "Nope."

Taesan doesn't fully know why, but he avoids Leehan's gaze while they're eating. He doesn't know what pushed him into asking such a question, and now he can't take it back. He doesn't want to, either, which makes things all the more confusing. What the hell does he really want?

They soon start bowling, and while Taesan's pretty decent at it, Leehan is like a prodigy in disguise with how many strikes he keeps getting. Sungho is amazing at it too, his competitiveness making him battle it out with Leehan more times than Taesan can count.

And Taesan is more than content to just sit back and watch, happy that they're happy.

"How can you get another strike?" Sungho exclaims just as all the pins fall in Leehan's lane. "This place is so sus. And hates shorter people."

"I dunno. Talent just flows out of me, I guess." Leehan smirks, and Sungho mockingly glares at him. "I'm uh, gonna take a break."

"Okay." Sungho already got himself another ball, ready to roll it. 

Leehan goes to sit beside Taesan, their hands right next to each other. "I want to talk about what you said earlier."

Taesan gulps, anxious as fuck. "It's fine if you don't want to."

Leehan looks the most bewildered Taesan's ever seen him. "Are you serious? Of course I want to be your boyfriend."

Shit, oh my god. Taesan chews his lip, his heart threatening to burst out of his chest. "Really?"

"Really."

As Sungho's too occupied with bowling to notice anything, Taesan gestures to the men's restroom, Leehan immediately following after him.

It's completely empty, and that's good because Taesan pulls Leehan closer right then, their lips connecting in a matter of seconds. Leehan grips Taesan's waist and Taesan can hear his quick heartbeat, shuddering under his touch while Leehan traces kisses down his neck, nibbling his skin.

This kiss is somehow more passionate than the others, sweeter, because now Taesan knows Leehan is his. 

+

Taesan comes home from school on Wednesday to the house completely quiet. And while that doesn't usually bother him, the silence feels strange.

Taesan inhales a deep breath to ease his nerves, wanting to just stay inside his the room and call it a day.

Before he can do anything, however, footsteps descend down the stairs, heavy and fuelled with purpose.

"Mom?" Taesan's eyes widen when he sees her. The look she gives him is chilling.

Taesan's heart rate slows the second he notices what looks like a bunch of pictures in her hand, and he stops breathing entirely.

His mother is still dressed in her work attire, which means she just arrived. And she'd been in his room without warning, snooping through his stuff.

"Taesan," she says, low and frigid like she's about to snap any moment from now. She slams the pictures on the coffee table. "What is this?"

Thick nausea clambers up Taesan's throat when his eyes fall on them. They're all of him and Leehan, embracing, hugging – kissing. It doesn't help that Leehan is shirtless too, a damning image.

"Han Taesan!" His mother shouts, her voice a dagger to the heart. "What is this? Don't make me repeat myself."

Normally when they get into arguments, Taesan never shies away from having something to say. But now, all he can do is stand there, unable to move. He wishes Leehan hadn't given those pictures to him, wishes he'd hidden them better, wishes his mother hadn't gone through his things without permission. Wishes, wishes, wishes. But wishing isn't going to save him now.

"Answer me, Taesan!" His mother seethes, pleading with Taesan, even. There are tears in her eyes. "Why the hell are you kissing a boy?"

Taesan tries hard to breathe.

"Are you gay, Taesan?" The woman questions, sounding so disgusted that it snaps Taesan out of his trance. She looks at him like she's looking at a stranger instead of her son, someone she's known her whole life. "Answer me."

Taesan's anxiety ebbs away, leaving a startling numbness in its wake. "Yes. I'm gay."

Tears roll down his mother's face, her nostrils flaring. Her expression screams one that's betrayed and hurt, as if Taesan has committed the worst sin in the world. "After all I've done for you, this is how you choose to repay me."

"I didn't choose to be this way!" Taesan yells, unable to take it anymore.

"Don't you dare raise your voice at me!" His mother snaps, face contorted into one Taesan barely recognizes. "All you've ever done was disappoint me. I gave you so many chances to grow up, to change your ways, and yet you remained stubborn. And now – now you're a disgusting homosexual."

Tears sting the back of Taesan's eyes, angry and hot, but he'd be damned if he let them fall. "Fuck you. I'm your son. Parents don't call their kids disgusting."

"I can call you whatever I want," the woman retorts, teeth bared like she's ready to rip Taesan to shreds. "And, you're not my son anymore. Since you're about to graduate high school you can do whatever the hell you want with your life now, right? Well, I'm not stopping you. So get out of my house."

Taesan can't believe his ears. "What?"

"Get the fuck out of my house," his mother repeats, back to being eerily calm. "I'm leaving for work soon, and when I come back I better not see anything of yours in this house. You're lucky I'm not confiscating anything."

The front door opens right then, Mina coming through. She takes one look at the woman's face and looks worried. "What's going on?"

"Well, your brother here decided he wants to kiss other boys," their mother answers. "And unfortunately, I don't allow that here so he's leaving."

Mina's eyes are wide when she faces Taesan. "What – No way, Mom. Taesan can't leave."

"He's leaving this house, and that's final."

The tears in Taesan's eyes almost tumble over, but he blinks to get rid of them. He shoves the pictures on the table into his bag. Then he's heading up the stairs into his room, his resolve completely and utterly destroyed.

Mina's already at the doorway, her eyes large and glassy. "I – I swear, I didn't tell Mom anything."

"It's okay," Taesan manages to say, even though that can't be any further from the truth. He pulls out the suitcase he had an inkling he'd end up using sooner rather than later, and starts throwing his clothes into it. 

"Taesan, I'm so, so sorry."

Mina's voice sounds so broken that it makes Taesan want to cry.

Taesan shoves all his personal belongings and documents without a word into the same suitcase. After he's done, he's hauling it down the stairs with him.

His mother is in the kitchen, pouring herself a glass of water. She doesn't pay Taesan a single glance as he steps out the front door, but he doesn't expect her to.

Mina grabs onto his hand. "Don't go," she whispers.

"I'll be fine. Don't worry about me," Taesan tells her, his voice hoarse. Please don't worry about me. I don't want you to be sad.

Mina's bottom lip wobbles, and Taesan despises the woman inside the house more than ever. 

Before long, Taesan is rolling his suitcase down the sidewalk, wrapping his coat tighter around him to block out the freezing cold. He can't help but replay past memories, replay all the times he'd been pushed aside by his parents, or treated like he wasn't good enough. And now, he's been kicked out.

Taesan has never dealt with the cold well. His mother knows this, which makes this situation all the more painful. By the time Taesan makes it to a bus stop, the lump in his throat has grown too big to ignore. The tears in his eyes blur his vision and wet his cheeks.

Taesan sits on the bench provided, too weary to stand. His phone displays a warped 3:18PM when it's switched on, and he goes to his contacts app. Before he can call anyone though, shame eats at him from within. What the hell does he tell them? Where the hell will he stay now? 

Taesan's phone starts to ring right then, and it's Riwoo. He doesn't want to answer, but he can’t hide the truth from his friend.

"Taesan, hey!" Riwoo greets as soon as Taesan picks up. "So, I was wondering if I could come over for dinner later. Your mom's making those rice cakes, right?"

When Taesan doesn't reply, Riwoo then asks if he's okay.

"I don't…" Taesan sniffs, looking up at the snowing sky. "I don't think you should come over."

"Did something happen? You don't sound too good."

More tears stain Taesan's face, and he doesn't bother stopping them. "I... I'm not at home right now. And I don't think I'm going back either."

"What – what do you mean?" Riwoo sounds frantic.

"I got… kicked out." Taesan clears his throat. "So I don't have a place to stay at anymore."

Taesan hears rustling on the other line, which means Riwoo's moving around. "Shit. Oh my god. I'm so sorry, Taesan. What – how the hell did that happen?"

"Mom found out about Leehan and I." 

Riwoo's silence on the other line makes Taesan realize he just came out to him, but honestly that doesn't seem to matter all that much now that he's officially homeless.

"Oh, okay. Okay. Your mom's a huge bitch, but we both already knew that. And don't worry – I'm going to come pick you up in no time. Where are you?"

Taesan clears his throat again, but it's hard to talk when life has once again proven itself to be unfair. "I'm at the bus stop by the – "

"Taesan?" The voice is so faint, so distant that Taesan fears he's finally lost it. 

"The bus stop near where?" Riwoo asks.

Taesan hears his name again, and then there's this red car making a turn to get to him. The person in the driver's seat is familiar, their brown eyes disturbed.

Leehan.

He steps out of the car, decked in the same long coat he wore earlier in school. "Taesan," he begins, soon noticing the suitcase next to Taesan. "What…"

Taesan's lips tremble, a fresh set of tears springing to his eyes.

Leehan quickly rushes to his side. He pulls Taesan into a tight hug and Taesan breaks out into wretched, miserable sounding sobs that rattle his entire frame. But Leehan doesn't let go once, his touch anchoring Taesan to reality.

"It's going to be fine," Leehan tells Taesan, over and over. But right now, Taesan doesn't think it ever will be.

Chapter Text

Taesan doesn't know where he is. All he sees is darkness, encircling him like a void. He tries to move – tries to break free – all to no avail.

Is he dying? He probably is, as it's so peaceful here. Of course, the thought of dying is terrifying for most people, but when you're balanced between life and death, letting go of all your burdens to join the other side doesn't seem like such a bad idea.

A chorus of beeps suddenly fracture Taesan's subconscious, riotous until they're all he can hear. And Taesan wants them to stop. Just wants to be left alone in the dark.

Something bright tears through the void like a flashlight, but then gleams a kaleidoscope of colors. Tears sting Taesan's vision. He can feel now. A hand presses against his arm, a blurry face sharpens a second later.

The beeping continues, but it's slower now. Stable.

There's a woman in front of Taesan, and her smile is kind. She's got a doctor's coat on. There are others too, dressed in white, floating about him like ghosts.

"You're alive, kid, thank god," she's saying, her voice muffled at the end.

"... Mom? Where?" Taesan can hardly speak as there's an oxygen mask strapped to his mouth, but somehow the doctor understands him. Her smile dims, her aged face showcasing pity.

"She's not here."

Taesan's eyes flutter open, but they immediately squint at the soft beige light filtering in from the tall windows. For a moment he's clueless where he is, but then he registers the fluffier than usual pillows and the wider bed, and then he remembers he's in Leehan's room now.

It's only Taesan's third day here so he isn't used to this yet, but he doesn't think he ever will. All he can focus on is how he's leeching off of Leehan, almost, and encroaching on his and his grandma's privacy.

Wanting to regain a sense of normalcy, Taesan quickly fumbles for his phone. It's 6:08 AM, and he hates himself for not setting an alarm. Leehan isn't on the bed or in the room, which means he didn't plan on waking Taesan up either.

Like Taesan had expected, his phone is flooded with text messages from Riwoo, Sungho, and even some from Sungho's friends. Taesan's heart sinks when he sees his text to Mina is still unanswered, but he's sure his mother most likely had something to do with it. 

Riwoo's and Sungho's texts are the same as yesterday's: Asking how Taesan is, if he ate, if Leehan's treating him well, and if he's coming to school today. They came over the afternoon Taesan got kicked out to kind of talk him down and try and help him get settled in. And while Taesan appreciated their presence, the minute they left he had another mental breakdown in the bathroom, one that even Leehan couldn't alleviate. 

For his friends' sake, Taesan attempts giving them more than one word answers, and then he gets up, his head sparking with heat. His mood's in hell at this point, and having a headache right now would make things a million times worse. 

Taesan walks to the large closet and yanks the doors open, a bunch of neatly arranged clothes greeting him. He's once again hit with the realization of how little his belongings are in comparison to Leehan's, but he tries not to think about it as he grabs the first clothes he notices, wanting to get this all over with.

Taesan then makes the effort of arranging his books for the day, glad winter break is just around the corner, because staying here alone all day again is going to take him to some very dark places. 

Once he's done, he steps out of the room and into the corridor, trying to draw as little attention to himself as possible. While Leehan and his grandma have been nothing but nice and accommodating to him during his short stay here, Taesan doesn't want any of them seeing him in this state. Especially Leehan.

Taesan doesn't shower for long, and while it sounds gross, he just doesn't have the strength or patience to spend even ten minutes in there. The water runs hot, nearly scalding his skin, but he leaves it like that, because even if it hurts it distracts from all the turmoil he's experienced thus far. 

By the time Taesan's done, steam surges throughout the bathroom, but it's somewhat refreshing. His headache still pulses painfully, but it's gotten a bit bearable now.

He grabs one of the towels to dry himself, accidentally catching sight of his reflection in the process. The mirror's slightly foggy, yet he can see the sheer exhaustion in his eyes. His hair's a mess, he looks gaunt, and he averts his gaze, borderline disgusted with himself.

Before Taesan's thoughts can become any more self-deprecating, he wraps the towel around his waist and shuffles out of the bathroom, heaving a quiet sigh of relief when no one's there. Before long he's back in Leehan's bedroom, only for the guy to jolt upright in his presence, a tray of something in his hands.

Leehan clears his throat, eyes unabashedly dropping to Taesan's bare chest before shooting upwards once more. Taesan's face flushes hotly. "I uh, kinda wanted to surprise you with a bed and breakfast," he gestures at the food on the bedside table. "But you were taking a shower by the time I was done making the food."

It's too awkward and intimate being shirtless in nothing but a towel, so Taesan quickly pulls on his shirt. "You didn't have to do that."

"Nah, I'm pretty sure this is part of the Being a Good Boyfriend handbook," Leehan replies, taking a step closer, and Taesan lets him. He's in a plain sweater, his brunette hair mussed from sleep, and yet he's gorgeous as ever. He holds Taesan's face and kisses his forehead. "You feeling better today?"

"You sound like a mom," Taesan tries to joke, though it turns sour in no time due to what transpired two days ago. "Sorry."

"Don't apologize." Leehan shakes his head. "Also, I've been told by my grandma that I'd make a good housewife."

Taesan laughs at this, and it's so unexpected that Leehan appears as stunned as he feels. "I think I'm going to school today."

"You sure?"

"Yes. Can't flunk school and not graduate just because of what happened," Taesan says with a sigh. "Being able to afford college is another problem."

Leehan's eyebrows knit in concern. "We can still work something out."

The 'we' turns Taesan's stomach inside out in the best of ways, but thoughts of the uncertain future almost make him sick. Taesan swaps the subject before Leehan can suggest anything else. "I need to change."

"Of course." Leehan heads out to give Taesan some privacy, and once he's done he calls him back.

Taesan pats the space next to him on the bed. He may be tired and in a shit mood, but he's more than glad he has Leehan with him. "Come eat breakfast with me."

Leehan's lips curve into a very pleased smile. "Don't mind if I do." Once he's seated he softly pecks Taesan's cheek, chuckling when Taesan nearly drops the toast. 

"You're annoying, you know that right?" Taesan comments, and Leehan grins.

"I might be, but I know you love me, so."

I know you love me. His words stir emotions way too profound to navigate at the moment, so Taesan just bites into his toast and pretends everything is fine.

+

Riwoo looks so relieved to see Taesan at gym class that Taesan's afraid he's going to drop to his knees and sob right there and then.

"Fuck." He drags Taesan into a tight hug. "I missed you so much."

While Riwoo's confession makes Taesan all warm inside, he's glad they're by the bleachers instead of the field. "I missed you too, Riwoo."

"Chill out, Riwoo. You're suffocating him," Sungho groans, but it's clear he's glad Taesan's back as well. When Riwoo lets him go, Sungho scoots closer and wraps an arm around Taesan too. 

"How are you feeling?" Riwoo asks. It's such a simple question, yet every time it's asked Taesan stiffens up and shuts down. 

Taesan glances out into the field, avoiding their stares. He spots Leehan before long, his hair a shimmery caramel despite the near absence of sunlight. He's stretching with a few others, his smile bright and beautiful.

"Like utter crap," Taesan answers honestly, because he can't find it within him to lie right now. "Like I don't even know what I'm doing with my life anymore."

Sungho frowns. "Taesan…"

"It's not like I liked staying at my mother's house. Can't even recall when last I shared a nice moment with her. But – but I thought... I thought she might've understood , y'know? Yet the moment she finds out I'm gay, she discards me like I'm nothing."

"You're not nothing," Riwoo rushes to say, his tone one of total conviction. " She's the one who's nothing for being such an intolerant, vile person." 

"Yeah, she sure fucking sucks," Sungho adds. "Can't believe Mina has to spend six more years with her."

Taesan laughs, but it comes out bitter enough that it silences his friends. "Mina won't have a hard time. She actually loves her."

"I don't think she's capable of loving someone after she kicked you out just for being who you are," Riwoo says. 

A moment later Leehan jogs up to them, observing each of their faces. He lingers on Taesan. "Did I miss something?"

"Just us bros having a super secret bro conversation," Sungho repeats with a head-tilt and a smirk, and Leehan's cheeks redden all at once. Taesan wants to vanish into thin air.

Riwoo looks so lost. "I don't get it."

"It's just something that happened while you were talking with Myung Jaehyun," Sungho waves his hand dismissively. "By the way, how is it with him? Because I haven't heard anything recently."

At this, Riwoo clears his throat. "Taesan, about living with Leehan –"

"Nope."

"Fine." Riwoo sighs. "We, um, kissed once – "

"What?" Sungho almost yells.

" – but we haven't gone further than that 'cause Jaehyun's going through some stuff at home. So we're like… taking things slow, I guess. And it's fine by me, because man this is really fucking new," Riwoo finishes with his hands clasped. 

"That's good," Leehan tells him. "You're going at the pace you're comfortable with, which means you're compatible enough with Jaehyun for your relationship to last a while."

"What're you studying in college? That is, if you're going," Sungho asks.

"I dunno. Maybe photography. Or social science."

"You should just become a motivational speaker or something. You have a weird way of convincing, or manipulating people," Sungho replies, clearly joking. While Taesan doesn't laugh, his words lighten up the atmosphere.

Leehan snorts. "Don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not."

"Convince me to get a BBL," Riwoo says all of a sudden.

Sungho side-eyes him. "You did not just say that."

It's right then Taesan realizes he made the right choice by coming to school today. All alone, it's easy to get caught up in his disastrous thoughts, easy to feel like it's the end of the world. But here he is with his friends and his boyfriend, and they're still the same. They still like him the way he is. They still support him. 

There's a hand on Taesan's thigh. It's Leehan, his palm faced up and ready to hold his. Because he cares for him. Taesan entwines their fingers, while Riwoo and Sungho block them from everyone else. But right now, Taesan doesn't care if anyone else sees. 

"Can you guys stop being so cute for one second?" Sungho comments. "Makes me want to barf out rainbows and unicorns."

Leehan laughs. "I think I'd like to see that."

"In your dreams, Kim."

"Guys," Riwoo says, "I think we have to go join the others now. Coach Kang looks a little mad even though he's the one making us run in this unbelievable weather."

Sure enough, the man's red in the face when they join their classmates, but it doesn't matter to Taesan. For now, he's alright.

+ 

Taesan manages to shower and get changed in the locker room without any incidents, but that doesn't mean he doesn't pick up on the looks that follow him and Leehan around. Leehan doesn't notice so Taesan says nothing, and a few minutes later they're both at the library. Taesan learnt a while ago that Leehan surprisingly likes to read a lot, which kind of explains why he's so good with words.

"I'm gonna go look for some books. Just wait here a bit for me," Leehan says once Taesan's seated.

"Sure," Taesan nods, figuring he'd best get started on that assignment he needs to hand in before the break. He watches Leehan until he disappears, before pulling out his calculator.

Taesan hears a snicker behind him right then, loud and particularly obnoxious. 

"You saw how he looked at him, right?"

"'Course I did. One gay freak into another."

Taesan's jaw clenches, his hands squeezing into fists. This is really happening, huh. Any other day he would've shrugged comments like these off, pretend they didn't exist. But today, after all the shit he's experienced because of bigots like them, he's feeling a little more confrontational.

He swerves around, this action taking the two perpetrators aback. They're both scrawny with baby faces that suggest they're probably freshmen or sophomores, but he doesn't give a single fuck how young they look.

"Sorry – I didn't catch that," Taesan says, keeping his voice controlled. He shoots them his signature icy glare, the one so cold it rivals Antarctica. "Could you repeat that?"

They recoil at the bite of his words, the shorter one of the two even gulping. 

"Could you repeat that?" Taesan sounds like his mother now, and it's something he knows he'll beat himself up for later. But right now, he's too focused on putting these idiots back in their place.

Anger sparks in the taller boy's eyes. "We didn't say any – " He cuts himself off the second Taesan stands. He's not actually going in their direction, but what he's learnt from the many times he's been in a similar situation is that it doesn't matter. 

He reaches for nothing in his bag, but it's enough to send the two boys scurrying out of the library. It's relieving how easy that was, but it still drains him, because this is what he was afraid of.

It doesn't help that Leehan comes in at that moment, his smile as easygoing and sweet as ever. 

"So," he shakes the novel in his hand. "I got the book."

Taesan doesn't immediately reply, but he doesn't need to because Leehan already knows something's up.

"You alright?"

No, and I won't be for a while. "Never been better," Taesan lies through his teeth. He swore he'd stop hiding the truth, but something about baring his vulnerabilities makes the reality of his situation all the more harrowing. And he can't deal with that right now.

"Taesan – "

"I need to use the bathroom," Taesan interrupts. "Now."

Leehan nods. "Oh, okay. I'll wait here."

Taesan doesn't bother replying. Just grabs his things and dashes down the stairs and into the main floor. He doesn't stop walking, keeping his head lowered so he won't have to look anyone in the eye as he barrels past the school gates.

His throat hurts and he has to blink excessively to keep his tears at bay.

I don't raise sick kids.

You're not my son anymore.

Taesan doesn't know how he does it, but he manages to enter a bus and slumps against a window seat, hyperventilating while the world reconstructs until it doesn't fit him any longer, threatening to swallow him whole and bury him alive. He doesn't know how much longer he can take this.

Taesan's surroundings are a blur by the time he steps out, encrusted in a blinding white while every inhale chills his lungs. 

It hasn't been long yet the difference is like night and day. Weary and on the brink of giving up, Taesan makes it across the park to the swings where he sat with Leehan months ago when they'd been mere strangers, and where he and Riwoo made a promise to stay by each other's side once upon a time.

Taesan shivers from the cold, cursing how impulsive he is. To make matters worse he isn't wearing any gloves, but he ignores the numbness to search for his phone.

Right now, he doesn't want to be alone.

Taesan knows Leehan is probably wondering where he is. He's called him too, twice now. Guilt eats him inside-out, but he can't trust himself to talk to him.

He goes to Riwoo's caller ID instead. Riwoo picks up almost immediately.

"Taesan?" Riwoo exhales, panicked, a hoard of shuffling feet and voices behind him. "Where – where are you?"

"Remember that night after I got the diagnosis and thought my life was over?" Taesan asks, rubbing his frozen palms over his jeans. "And my parents had a fight so I ran away and went to that park?"

Riwoo exhales, uneven, and it sounds like he's running. "I remember.”

"You have history right after this, right? Or, we have history. I'm sorry for wasting your time," Taesan says, peering at the gray sky. "I'm sorry for wasting everyone's time."

"Taesan – "

"I'm sorry I slack off at telling you just how much you mean to me, Riwoo," Taesan continues, drawing a harsh breath. "I wasn't... I didn't know how I could go on, until you showed up that night. We weren't even close buddies then, but I called you 'cause I got scared of being alone in the dark, and you convinced your sister to drive you here even though it cost you your allowance. You always come whenever I call. You're always there for me."

"Because you deserve it," Riwoo says sincerely. "Because I know you'd do the same whenever I call."

Taesan hears both Leehan's and Sungho's voices, and the lump in his throat hardens. "I'm sorry I'm back here again."

There's silence on the other line, but Taesan knows Riwoo gets it. He's always been able to. 

I'm sorry that I'm back here again. I feel like my world is ending and I'm exhausted, and if I leave I fear I won't make it out alive.

"I think I need help," Taesan admits, finally. It's relieving to say this to Riwoo, his best friend.

"Yeah?" Riwoo says, encouraging. Taesan bets he's tearing up too, this sap.

"Yeah. I want to feel okay. I am going to be okay, for you guys." Taesan sniffs. "And... and for myself."

"Stay there, okay? I'm coming for you," Riwoo says. A pause. Taesan can hear the smile in his voice. "We're coming for you."

Taesan nods. He's smiling too. "I will."

Chapter Text

Christmas break has already started, and Taesan is back at Ms Jang's office for his second session. The mint walls and tall windows are adorned with minimal Christmas decorations to try and add a festive atmosphere to the office, and even the two small porcelain cat figurines on the desk have Santa hats on. 

Those cats had been there four days ago, but their sleek surfaces were endowed with elf ears instead of too-large hats. Taesan had hated looking at their smirking faces when he got choked up on emotion, and seeing them yet again the second he enters the air conditioned office makes him want to up and leave.

"Hi, Taesan." Ms Jang pulls off her rimless glasses and puts down the book she was reading. She has an entire bookshelf at the left, stocked to the brim. She notices the way Taesan studies the cats. "Not a fan?"

"Not really," Taesan answers without much thought. The last time he was here, he couldn't really open up to her because he'd just finished his work shift with Leehan and had a meltdown in the washroom because he was under so much stress. And Ms Jang didn't look down on him for it. They talked for a bit, then listened to Vivaldi until the session was over.

"Aw, that's kind of sad. The other clients really like Aera and Yoon," Ms Jang replies, getting up. She's wearing a green sweater that matches the winter theme of her office.

"Aera and Yoon?" Taesan can't help but voice out.

"Yeah. They're named after the two cats I had that passed away," Ms Jang says, before sitting on the chair across from him.

Taesan clears his throat, feeling awkward as fuck. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Ms Jang beams. With her gentle features and neat bob, she looks more like a university student instead of a licensed therapist. "They were really old and needed to rest, so."

"Are pet owners even allowed to say that about their pets?"

Ms Jang chuckles and shrugs. "I don't see why they can't. There's nothing wrong with acknowledging you need to let something or someone go for their own good, despite all the lovely memories you've had together."

Taesan rubs his hands, his left leg starting to shake a bit; a hallmark of the anxiety that chases him around when he's expected to do something. 

Silence ensues for a moment, and then, "Taesan, when you came here the last time, you looked pretty tense. If you'd like to, can you tell me why?"

Taesan's picking at his nails now, his thumbs digging deep into his skin. "I don't know."

"Alright. Can you tell me how you're feeling right now? It's okay if it takes a while, we still have time," Ms Jang says.

Taesan glimpses the clock on the wall. Ten past ten. It's kind of funny, but Taesan can't laugh. He shoots a brief glance at Ms Jang, and she's still there with her notes patiently waiting for him. While she's just doing her job, Taesan can't help but feel the familiar ache in his chest. It's like –

"Pressure," Taesan blurts, and Ms Jang nods.

"You feel pressure."

"Yes." Taesan rubs his clammy hands over his thighs. "Pressure to conform, pressure to do things the right way, pressure to have my life figured out. It's all too much – like I'm about to explode."

Ms Jang gives Taesan a look of understanding. "I think it's normal to feel that way from time to time. We're human after all, and we want to put our best foot forward. Do the people in your life know you're having these feelings?"

Taesan shakes his head, clenching his eyes shut. "I don't – I'm living with people who aren't my parents. And uh, I'm even dating one of them. I don't know how long they're planning on letting me stay, and I hate that I'm burdening them with my problems."

"I don't think they feel that way," Ms Jang says, and Taesan notices how she keeps the pronouns neutral. "If you're dating them, as you said, then it's natural that they'd want you to be happy. They won't see you as a burden."

Taesan inhales a huge breath, keeping his gaze locked on nothing. He hates looking people in the eye when he feels vulnerable. "I was in a bad place, and I wanted to be better for them. That's why I decided to come here."

Ms Jang nods, as she already knows.

"I'm a shitty person for thinking these thoughts, aren't I?"

"No, you aren't. And the emotions you felt aren't your fault, either. It's hard when you feel like you no longer go on, and depression has a really annoying way of isolating you from the people you love."

Depression. The word hits Taesan just as hard as it did the first time he heard it after he finished the assessment. He swallows thickly.

"You said you don't live with your parents," Ms Jang says right then. "Why?"

This isn't the first time she's asked about them. At their first session, she'd innocently asked what they did for work and Taesan could only give stilted answers, avoiding eye contact until she got the hint to change the subject.

Now, the reminder of those people don't abruptly force Taesan into silence. However, he's not so keen on talking about them.

Ms Jang picks up on this. "It's fine if you don't want to go there right now – "

"My mom kicked me out," Taesan confesses, back to picking his nails. It's something Sungho has always been on his ass about, saying how he should just paint his nails instead so they wouldn't look like a dog gnawed on them. The thought of him makes the topic a little easier to bear. "And... and my dad gave up custody some years prior, so it was just her, me, and my little sister. I have a brother, but – but he's on the other side of the world for university."

Taesan's fingers tremble, his blood rushing to his ears.

"Why were you kicked out?" Ms Jang asks, the clicking of her pen echoing inside Taesan's head. His breathing's labored, and he tries to calm his mind.

"Because she didn't like the person I'm dating." Taesan murmurs, restrained, and he has to wonder if Ms Jang even heard what he said, but she nods again. 

"Because they didn't match the ideal type she had in mind?"

"Because… because he's a guy." Taesan clenches his fists so tight it's a miracle they aren't already bruised. "I'm dating a guy." A guy I'm so desperately in love with it's killing me on the inside.

Ms Jang nods, thoughtful. She doesn't look mad or disgusted, which eases the weight pressing on Taesan's shoulders. "How is he?"

"What?"

"The guy you're dating. How does he treat you?"

Taesan rubs his neck, staring intently at the carpeted floor. "He treats me well. Um." Heat stings his cheeks. "He's pretty amazing. He makes me feel better when I'm going through a lot of shit."

"And you love him, right?"

Fuck, I do, Taesan thinks. "Yeah."

Ms Jang smiles, one genuine enough to crease the corners of her eyes. "I'm happy for you, Taesan. I'm glad you have someone who's there for you through everything. What about friends? Have you got any?"

"I've got Riwoo." Taesan pauses, like he's made a grave mistake mentioning his best friend's name. But Ms Jang urges him to go on, enthusiastic that he's sharing more about himself. "I – I first met him during freshman year of high school. He's been there for me since, even during my worst moments. I don't know where I'd be without him. Sungho's um, there too. He's pretty cool. He's always trying his best to take care of me. I love hanging out with them, and they make me so happy."

Ms Jang's smile grows, and it's contagious enough to make Taesan smile, too. "That's great, Taesan. Also, you mentioned you have a little sister."

Taesan's smile drops, but he doesn't shut the woman out like before. "She's twelve, so she's still with my mom. She texts and calls me sometimes behind Mom's back, but I just want to see her face to face."

"Then why don't you?" Ms Jang suggests. "Christmas is coming. See if she'll have a sleepover at a friend's or something. You can visit her then. It'll be your little secret. Your mother can't stop her from seeing her brother forever."

"You don't know my mom," Taesan says, even though he takes her suggestion into account. "She hates me – even disowned me."

At this, Ms Jang's eyes soften. "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

"I'd love to see Mina this Christmas, but unless she manages to convince our mother to stay at a friend's for the holidays, I don't think she'll even be allowed to step out of the house," Taesan tells her.

Ms Jang suddenly snaps her fingers, a playful smirk plastered on face. "What about a day other than Christmas or New Year's? She stays at a friends', you come over, and then you guys hang out."

Taesan blinks. If he was told earlier he'd be almost scheming with his therapist to see his sister, he would have never believed it. But here he is. "You think that would work?"

Ms Jang nods, running a hand through her bob. "My niece tried something similar once." She chuckles fondly, recollecting memories. "My wife, though, hadn't been pleased."

"You have a wife?" Taesan blurts without meaning to. He looks down, ashamed. "Sorry."

"Yes, I have a wife," Ms Jang confirms, not at all affected by his outburst. “Got married overseas. And fun fact: We met in high school too. Liked each other the moment we saw each other."

Heat creeps up Taesan's face at her knowing stare. He bites his lip, mind teeming with questions. "How did you know?"

Ms Jang's head tilts. "Know what?"

"That you wanted to spend the rest of your life with her?"

"I think… everything just made sense with her," Ms Jang answers, a subtle smile on her face. "I mean, we were together for a while so it felt natural. But… It also felt right. She loved me for me, and I loved her for her."

Taesan gulps. "Oh." He ponders over her words, a couple things slowly clicking into place.

Ms Jang hums, then looks at the clock. "Our session's nearly over, but I want you to think about what I suggested. Also – " She drums her manicured fingers on her notebook. "The things you told me about your boyfriend and your friends were really heartfelt. So I'd like for you to write them down, a longer version if you can, and give it to them this Christmas."

Her words catch Taesan off-guard. "What?"

"Telling people how you truly feel about them goes a long way, especially when you love them."

Taesan's pulse races. While doing something like that is a terrifying concept all around, he knows for him to improve, he has to do things that are out of his comfort zone. "I'll keep that in mind, Ms Jang."

They both stand, and the woman pats his shoulder. The way she smiles nearly makes him tear up. "Awesome. I'll be waiting to hear the good news in January. Merry Christmas in advance."

"Merry Christmas in advance, Ms Jang," Taesan tells her, then exits her office. And unlike the last time he was there, he feels... alright.

Taesan's mood lightens further when he spots Leehan's red corolla parked close by, and he quickens his footsteps, his boots crunching over the thick, bright snow. 

He reaches the car in no time, only to see that it isn't Leehan in the driver's seat, but his grandma instead.

"Hi, dear," Sangmi greets. "Can you enter through the passenger side? It's freezing out."

Taesan quickly obeys, forcing himself to remain calm. Sangmi's neck is wrapped up in a beige scarf that she loosens a little, her eyes soon meeting Taesan's.

"How was it?" she asks after he buckles his seatbelt.

He clears his throat to try and arrange his thoughts. He's been living with her and Leehan for some time now, and while he's gotten used to seeing them around, he's still a little hesitant around her. 

"It was okay," Taesan says. "She's good. Thanks again for booking an appointment with her, especially on such short notice."

"No worries." Sangmi starts the car. "I know you wish it was Leehan instead of me, but I needed to talk to you about something."

Instantly, Taesan's thoughts catapult into a million different directions. He can't help but think up the worst scenarios, can't help but think that Leehan's grandma is tired of him and wants him out of her house. 

"It's not anything bad, just so you know," Sangmi assures after seeing the look on Taesan's face. "I even talked about it with Leehan before coming here."

At this, Taesan swallows hard. "Oh."

Sangmi hums and makes a turn. "I know you've already begun working, but it'd be hard to afford the college of your choice with just that and the money you've already saved up."

Taesan stares at his lap, fisting his jeans.

"I know you mean a lot to my grandson, and I've also come to care about you a lot as a person," Sangmi goes on, sparing him a glance. "So I'd like to help with that."

"I – I can't accept it," Taesan stumbles over his words. "You've been nothing but kind to me from the moment I stepped foot in your home. I don't want to burden you with paying for college as well."

Sangmi smiles, despite Taesan’s refusal. "I'm not paying your college funds," she says, a twinkle in her eye. "I have a good friend who owns a beach resort in Jeju. I talked to him about you, and he said you can start working for him next summer. Don't worry – he pays very generously. And of course, I'll be chipping in in any way I can too."

"Oh my god." Taesan can't believe his ears, feeling nothing but gratitude towards her. "Thank you so much."

"No worries," Sangmi chuckles, and at that moment she sounds just like Leehan. "Leehan was a little worried about how you'd react when we talked about it, but I assured him it'll be fine. He'll be happy to know that you agreed."

The mention of Leehan fills Taesan's chest with warmth. After that talk with Ms Jang, Taesan realized his feelings for him ran way deeper than he'd imagined. He can't stop thinking about how much he wants to hold Leehan close and kiss him.

"Thinking about Leehan?" Sangmi questions all of a sudden.

Taesan's heart misses a beat, slack-jawed.

"It's okay if you don't want to talk about it. I'm just happy my grandson has someone who loves him just as much as he loves them. And I'm happy that someone is you."

Taesan's eyes well up with tears, but he quickly blinks them away. "You know about us."

"I do. And it doesn't matter to me," Sangmi admits with a smile, patting Taesan's knee. It's a small gesture and yet it means so much to him. If only the people he called his parents had accepted him the way she just did. If only they loved him the way he is.

Taesan only realizes he's crying after Sangmi parks the car and searches through her handbag for tissue. 

"I'm so sorry," Taesan whimpers, both embarrassed and angry that he let himself fall victim to his past memories yet again. 

Leehan's grandma pulls him in for a hug and tenderly rubs his back. "There's nothing to be sorry for, Taesan. It's perfectly okay to cry."

Taesan sniffs. "Thank you. For everything. You're a great grandma, and a great person."

Sangmi's grinning as she pulls away. "Thank you. You're a great person too, Taesan. I hope you know that."

I hope you know that. 

Taesan finds it a little easier to believe this time around.

+

After the sun sets and the soft moonlight cradles their silhouettes, Leehan hugs Taesan close to his chest while Taesan talks about how his recent therapy session went.

"Hey, Leehan?" Taesan begins a minute later.

"Hm?" Leehan hums against his forehead, his presence reassuring and his arms warm and safe.

"Remember when we took those pictures together? After I kinda freaked out about losing you?"

Leehan looks down at him, a knot forming between his brows. "...Yeah?"

Taesan clears his throat, and finally tells him about the reason he almost died. "...Obviously, I beat it, but it left me feeling as though any moment from now... I could lose everything."

Leehan cups Teasan's cheekbone, his eyes tender. "You'll never lose me."

"I know." Taesan inhales deeply, then holds Leehan's hand, planting featherlight kisses along his fingers. Leehan watches on, amazed. "I also know nothing lasts forever – and I used to be terrified of that, but not anymore. Because I have you with me."

Taesan's mesmerized as a rainbow of colors tip past the windows and dance across Leehan's features. The bustling city hushes as Taesan obtains the courage to finally say it:

"I love you."

There's a pause, but for once, Taesan isn't scared of what Leehan's response would be. He can already see Leehan's reply clear as day on his face. The way he beams right then can rival the sun.

"I love you too."

They kiss, Leehan's mouth melding against Taesan's just right, and Taesan's anxieties vanish into thin air.

"I love you, Leehan," Taesan repeats, and swears he can hear the shorter's heart skip several beats.

"And I love you, Taesan." Leehan laughs against his temple, wrapping them both with the sheets until their limbs are tangled with no chance of escape. But, Taesan doesn't mind it in the slightest, the two of them giggling into one another.

Chapter Text

"...Hey, Leehan. Wake up."

The voice sneaks its way into Leehan's head, quiet and fond.

"Leehan, wake up. Open your eyes or I'll…"

Leehan squints, seeing nothing but blurry shapes for a second before he rubs his eyes. He's under the covers with someone, their leg draped over his. His drowsiness slowly fades away, and he blinks. "Taesan?"

Taesan's right over Leehan's shoulder as he looks down at him, his chest brushing against Leehan's back. Leehan can hear the smile in his voice as he whispers in his ear: "Good morning. We have to put up the Christmas tree."

"It's still early," Leehan whispers back, but he's already getting up. It's hard to see due to the room's minimal lighting, and as a result his and Taesan’s heads almost ram into each other. Leehan panics. "Shit – sorry."

Taesan just laughs, and Leehan's skin tingles at the sound. Taesan's been doing this a lot recently – outwardly showing that he's happy, that is. From soft smiles, to brief chuckles, to cheeky snickers, he's done it all. And each time Leehan’s left breathless with his heart racing. Now is no exception. Fuck, I’m so into him.

"It's okay," Taesan tells Leehan. Taesan's also been saying that a lot now, and Leehan can't hide his smile when Taesan kisses his cheek. "But your grandma's already awake putting up the garlands. And Riwoo and Sungho said they'd be ready by six. Mina too."

The mention of Taesan's sister deletes the last remnants of sleep from Leehan's mind. He knows it's been hell on earth for Taesan to get in touch with Mina without their mother knowing, so the fact that she's going to be there too is a bigger deal than anything else.

"Awesome," says Leehan, because the excitement on Taesan's face is one he wouldn't trade for the world. "Lemme just go take a shower. Care to join?"

It's obviously a joke, but Taesan punches Leehan's chest in retaliation, brows knotted in dismay.

"First of all – I've already showered. Second of all, the more I know you, the crazier you become," he says, sliding off the bed. His thin gray shirt easily exposes half of his collarbones, and as he rakes his fingers through his silky black hair, it dawns on Leehan for the millionth time how lucky he is to be able to date someone so gorgeous and amazing. 

Taesan notices Leehan's stare then abruptly flicks on the light switch. The sudden brightness attacks Leehan's eyeballs, and he groans into his pillow. "See you downstairs, Leehanie," he smirks before rushing out the door.

This playful side of Taesan is one Leehan hasn't gotten quite used to, but Leehan loves it all the same. After weeks of Taesan experiencing the absolute worst and hours of him sobbing in Leehan's arms, Leehan's more than relieved Taesan is gradually regaining his spark. Leehan knows there's still a very long way to go, as emotional scars don't heal overnight, but Leehan's determined to hold Taesan's hand and support him every step of the way.

Leehan doesn't take long to shower and brush his teeth, and as he's blow drying his hair he gets a whiff of something familiar and sugary sweet. Nostalgia overwhelms his senses, as well as gold tinged memories of when he was a kid and his mother was still alive. Leehan can almost feel the icing on his cheek while he attempts assembling gingerbread houses to the best of his ability, his mother smiling behind her camera as she snaps several photos of his hard work. 

"Pictures are how we preserve our memories," she always used to say. "As people grow up they tend to forget. But I don't ever want to forget you, Leehan."

Leehan's jaw clenches, grief clawing up his chest, absolutely painful. But he can't afford to be sad today. Not when Taesan needs him to be in the best of moods. 

Leehan dons a hoodie and sweatpants, grabs his camera, and jogs down the stairs. He glimpses Taesan hanging a wreath on the front door and Sangmi unwrapping what'll be the Christmas tree, music echoing off the walls.

“Merry Christmas Eve!” Sangmi greets all of a sudden before yanking Leehan and Taesan into a tight hug. She laughs out loud as both boys yelp in shock.

“Merry Christmas Eve, grandma,” Leehan and Taesan both utter, chuckling themselves as Sangmi pats their backs and finally releases them.

"What time is it?" Sangmi then asks, and Leehan joins her to prop the tree in place. "So you can get started with those video calls while I make the gingerbread cookies."

It's something Riwoo thought up himself. Since it's Christmas Eve and they'd all be occupied with their families tomorrow, it would be fun to set up their Christmas trees at the same time since everyone ended up being available today. Leehan doesn't know how Riwoo and Sungho managed to convince their families to agree to hold off on decorating the trees until now, but it all worked out perfectly.

"It's five fifty-eight," Taesan says after checking his phone. He then places his laptop on the coffee table, adjusting its position while Sangmi heads into the kitchen. 

As soon as Taesan connects, Riwoo's face pops across the screen.

"Hi!" Riwoo yells, waving excitedly at both Taesan and Leehan. He's wearing glasses and a large Santa hat, his Christmas tree a few feet away from him. "Can you see me?"

Leehan grins, attaching himself to Taesan's side. "Yep, we can."

"That is the ugliest Christmas sweater I have ever seen," Taesan says, but Leehan has never seen him smiling so wide before, even with him. Leehan isn't jealous however; Taesan's joy is satisfying.

Riwoo does an exaggerated pose to flaunt his outfit, and fuck, he looks so funny Leehan can't help but laugh. "I know you love it."

"Ugh. What are you even doing?" A girl that's most likely his sister groans in the background, rummaging through the fridge.

"Channeling the Christmas spirit, of course."

The girl appears in front of the camera, her face an exact replica of Riwoo's, only she's older. "How do you guys deal with him everyday?"

Sungho enters the chat right then, exasperated while his little brother zooms around behind him. A bunch of glowing fairy lights gleam over the walls in vibrant colors, but his tree is also bare. "Enough, Wonhyuk."

Sungho's brother keeps sprinting around, and Leehan feels bad for him.

"Hi guys!" Sungho greets, holding up a bunch of glittering garlands. He's dressed in a fuzzy red sweater, even his earrings are red and green. "Wonhyuk and I are gonna be decorating our tree, since Mom and Dad still want to sleep, so."

"I dunno." Riwoo frowns. "Maybe I should've suggested a later time."

"We're already here, so we might as well start decorating," Leehan says. He notices Taesan's silence, and knows it's because Mina hasn't shown up yet. She promised she would, but Leehan wouldn't be surprised if Taesan's mother caught her or took her phone for the time being.

Riwoo notices too, because he then runs to his tree and starts adorning it with baubles, which prompts everyone to do the same.

"Hey." Leehan extends his hand towards Taesan. "Let's go?" 

Taesan flashes a strained smile, but grabs Leehan's hand nonetheless. "Yeah. Let's do this."

Leehan doesn't know how to describe the tree decorating zoom call other than pure chaos. 

Sungho's brother accidentally sends a horde of baubles flying when he rips the bag a little too roughly, and when Sungho dashes for them, Riwoo knocks into his tree, nearly toppling over the entire thing. Then Taesan cuts his finger as he's cutting open the packaging for the star, and so has to get a bandaid for it. It's when he's gone that someone new connects to the video chat. 

Mina. 

She smiles as soon as she sees Leehan's face, clearly in her room with a thick blanket wrapped around her. "Hey, Leehan. Where's Taesan?"

Leehan's pulse races and he grins, well aware of how happy Taesan's going to be once he returns. "He went to fetch some bandaids, and he'll be back soon. But don't worry, he's fine. How do you like our Christmas tree?"

Mina beams as she observes their finished work. "It looks awesome! The one Mom and I decorated doesn't look as good as this."

"Mina?" Sungho gasps from his screen, while Riwoo runs towards his.

"It is I," Mina says, performing a small bow. "But you guys can't be too loud, okay? My earphones stopped working and Mom's still sleeping."

Taesan emerges right then, and Leehan hurriedly waves him over. As soon as he sees his sister, his eyes turn glossy and his lips wobble. "God, Mina, I missed you so much. Thank you for showing up."

"I missed you too, Taesan," Mina answers. "So freaking much."

"How are you doing over there? I hope you're eating well and going to sleep on time," Taesan says. "I know you love staying up late so you can read those fanfics online," he adds, and Mina's jaw drops.

"I do not." She pouts, then shifts closer to the screen. "But I'm fine, I guess. I just wish you were here with me. I know you're probably glad you now live with your boyfriend, but I miss my big brother."

Leehan's cheeks burn at this, and he leaves Taesan to continue his long overdue conversation with Mina. He meets Sangmi in the kitchen, impressed by the gingerbread men she's conjured.

"You don't need to help me, Leehan," Sangmi says. "Just keep decorating with Taesan."

"He's talking to his sister, and the tree is already finished." Leehan grabs his camera from the dining table. "Can I take some pictures?"

Sangmi glances at him, her eyes narrowed in confusion. "Why?"

"Well… Mom always used to take pictures of the gingerbread houses we made every Christmas," Leehan confesses. "Kinda want to continue the tradition in honor of her memory."

Sangmi's expression softens at his words. While she hadn't spent a lot of time with Leehan's mother when she was alive, she still loved and valued her a lot. "Of course you can, dear."

Leehan begins taking a few pictures, the stubborn lump in his throat blocking his airways for a moment. He makes sure they come out perfectly; this is the first Christmas holiday after his mother's death that he's felt so happy. 

He's living with a relative who supports him, friends who'd rearrange their schedules to fit his so he won't spend his holidays alone, as well as a partner that cares for him and makes him feel right at home.

Leehan looks at Taesan right then, committing his delicate features to memory. He snaps a photo, capturing the way Taesan's hair falls over his eyes, the arch of his nose, and that delightfully pretty smile of his directly on film. Leehan doesn't want to forget this. He doesn't think he can ever forget this.

His heart does a flip when Taesan catches him in the act, but Taesan's smile only broadens, an exuberant sight. A matching smile quickly spreads over Leehan's face, Taesan's happiness like magic. 

Taesan then types something on his phone, but hides it just as Leehan hunkers next to him. With Sungho, Riwoo and Mina already disconnected from the zoom call, their closeness feels more intimate.

"Soo." Leehan wiggles his eyebrows. "What're you hiding?"

He's known Taesan enough now to have little issues opening up, and although it's freeing to have someone you can say anything to, it's a little terrifying because now you're more liable to getting hurt. But Leehan trusts Taesan with everything in him.

"Mina said she's coming over here on the twenty-seventh," Taesan says, avoiding the subject.

"That's good."

"Yeah. Her friend's parents are gonna help her out." Taesan rubs his cheek. "It's so messed up that she even has to do this in the first place, but I'm happy I'm seeing her face to face soon."

Leehan nods, chewing his lip. Their eyes meet, and Taesan clears his throat.

"Where's um, where's your phone?"

Leehan squints. "My phone? It's in my room, I think." 

Taesan scratches the back of his neck. "Can you go get it?"

"Okay." Taesan's insistence on Leehan getting his phone makes him think something's up, but he doesn't question it as he makes his way up the stairs.

Leehan's phone is right where he left it on the nightstand, but as soon as he switches it on, it's flooded with messages from the group chat, and Taesan himself.

riwooah
omg
taesan what is thisss 😭😭

sungho🤭
taesan u wanna make me cry today dont you

Leehan doesn't know what they mean until he comes across Taesan's personal texts to him.

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
hi leehan
i'm sorry if this turns out weird.
my therapist told me to try this

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
um, i dont know how to start as i'm terrible with my feelings

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
but i just want to let you know that i appreciate you, leehan. i appreciate everything you've done for me from the moment we met, really, and for sticking with me even during the times i'd been difficult. you have a heart of gold, and you're so good to me, and i sometimes i wonder if i saved a country in my past life for ending up with someone as purehearted and beautiful as you

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
i hope you’ll always be happy from now on, leehan. you make me feel okay, like i now have a home to run to when things get tough. i know you've been feeling a lot of pressure to be optimistic for my sake, but i want you to know that you can lean on my shoulder too. i'm always here for you leehan

taesan🐈‍⬛💚
this might sound so fucking cheesy, but i really love you. a lot. and i want to be with you for a long time.
here's hoping you feel the same?

By the time Leehan’s done reading the messages, he thinks he might cry. The door opens right then, Taesan peering in like he's afraid of Leehan's reaction.

"Leehan?"

"Shit, Taesan," Leehan breathes, "I never knew you were so good at poetry."

"Shut up." Taesan doesn't move from his spot, so Leehan shuts the distance between them with a kiss, putting his heart and soul into it. He can feel Taesan smiling, his arms wrapping around Leehan's waist, and Leehan's heart stutters, feeling far too full for his chest.

"I really love you too," Leehan whispers after pulling away for air, pressing their foreheads together. "I love you so much I'd even fucking die for you."

"Please don't joke about that," Taesan says, but when Leehan laughs he laughs as well, soft and melodious. 

"Sorry. I'm just dealing with a lot of emotions right now," Leehan tells Taesan. It’s freeing to be finally able to reveal this. "And a lot of them are ones I've never felt before."

"I get it." Taesan slides his hands Leehan's arms to hold his fingers, and goosebumps pebble his skin. "And I want to say thanks."

"For what?"

"For being my friend, for taking me in, for loving me. I'd always considered myself an unlucky person, but turns out I was wrong 'cause I got to meet you." Taesan smiles. "Despite everything that's happened, thank you for making these past months the happiest ones of my life."

Wetness stings the back of Leehan's eyes again. "Fuck, I think I'm actually gonna cry if you keep this up."

"If you do, my shoulder's right here. I've got your back, Leehan," Taesan replies, poking Leehan's cheek.

"And I've got yours, Taesan." Leehan's tearing up now, and just like he promised, Taesan holds Leehan close while Leehan buries his head on his shoulder. 

Leehan then realizes they're each other's comfort, each other's stability. And as long as they're together, there's nothing that can stop them from soaring.

The sky isn't the limit, neither are the stars, because they're all for us, Leehan thinks.

"Taesan?" Leehan looks Taesan in the eye, the warmth in his heart radiating all over his body. Taesan grins at him, their hands intertwined. "Thank you for making my year."