Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

After losing to Shikamaru in the chunin exams Temari increasingly considered the point of her existence. Her dad didn't want her, her mother was dead, and she was failing at the one purpose that made her useful. She couldn't even really win a fight with a random leaf ninja. She thought that if she died in the upcoming battle against Konoha, it would probably be for the best. She had served her purpose, hadn't she? There was no point in being sad about it or dramatizing the situation. It was simply the truth. Some people were born into loving families and had lives with ambitions. And she just wasn't. Considering that she figured if she died she wouldn't be missing out on much. She tried not to be jealous about how the leaf boy would go home to his family and friends and they would celebrate and laugh. She would go home and hang her head in shame to face her fathers wrath while her brothers said nothing as always.

She didn’t think about him much in the years following. Another bratty little boy, another person to waste stupid emotions on. She had no time for such things. She was a princess, a warrior. And she was absolutely above this ambassador job. It was insulting honestly. She hated the implication that she wasn’t needed in Suna, that she might as well spend her time in a place like Konoha. But, she also knew her place, she knew how to take an order as a soldier does, and so she arrived at the Konoha gates after three days of travel. She was surprised to see him waiting for her. Leaned back against the gate, slumping in the shade like he had all the time in the world. There weren't many shadows in Suna. The sun was always bright and uncompromising, no trees where darkness could hide in corners. That attitude of his hadn’t changed, which made her furious. How dare he, after humiliating her all those years ago, humiliate her again by not even gloating. The air that day was warm and clean, fresh like trees and new spring. Like the way her new life was about to start even if she didn't realize it yet, the one with him in it.

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The slower Temari's days became in Konoha the faster the months passed. There wasn't anything to keep her from sleeping in, letting Shikamaru waste their time complaining. Meetings and walks could seem to take up lifetimes but it always felt sudden when she was called back home. She tolerated Shikamaru’s company, he was quiet and thoughtful. Smart like she was. He always knew when to speak and when not to, a trait sorely lacking in most people. He was also naive and spoiled. Impossible for Temari to relate to. She didn't have the luxury of taking things slow, another thing about him that made her angry. Which made her hate herself for envying someone so pathetic. That said, Shikamaru had become less weak since she had last seen him. Temari could see it in the way he carried himself and the way his face had become more angular, his body now seeming to fit into his chunin vest. Most mornings Temari would wake up early for runs and walk to a nearby store to buy sweets in secret. His parents and friends were kind to her. No matter how easy it would be, she was careful not to get too close. Konoha was dangerous, all of it. Watching everyone together, Shikamaru and his parents, teasing each other over dinner. Made her feel emotions she couldn't quite recognize. A warmth that felt sweet and new but also one that burned. Why did she want it so much? Temari wasn’t used to wanting things, she had always firmly believed in independence. That no one can give you what you can give yourself. So why did she want it so much?

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When Temari woke up in Suna she remembered days in Konoha like dreams, ones she had to wake up from. Harsh wind and coarse sand stung her cheeks when she stepped out the door headed towards another mission she didn't care about, for a reason that didn't make sense. She still didn't know how to look her brothers in the eye or how to feel better. But there were special things about coming home. Like the way a sunrise could go on for miles, touching the dunes like how water meets the sky at sea. And how at night she could see millions of stars with no trees in her way. In Suna she could see clearly. Her life easily returned to its normal pace. Meetings and missions and training and more training. The burning in her muscles when she pushed herself to her limit was a comforting sensation. A reminder of her strength, what made her different, special maybe. She was the strongest kunoichi in Suna and no one could take that from her. She remembered that when scrubbing the blood from her hands.

Temari considered that the leaf boy might be the actual only friend she had ever made. A thought that made her skin tingle and her cheeks redden no matter how hard she willed herself not to care. Temari the Suna warrior has a friend.

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The next time she saw him it was summer. Shikamaru had traded out his black long-sleeve for a mesh one and she pretended not to notice. This summer was special because it was the first one she spent cloud-watching with him on lazy afternoons. As they got older each mission wore on them, each enemy got more dangerous, and each moment of stillness became more precious. Suddenly there was less time for pretending they hated each other. She still remembered that first day lying next to him. The grass was impossibly cool on her skin as it brushed against her cheeks. She remembered him sitting down close enough to her that his arm pressed against hers. She remembered her heart beating so hard she was sure she had been caught. She remembered how effortlessly he fit there, in Konoha. How she didn't fit anywhere like that. Shikamaru pointed out a cloud he thought looked like a rabbit.

“Clouds are precipitation stuck in the atmosphere for the purpose of creating rain,” she had said, “they don't mean anything.” His skin was so soft.

“Troublesome…”

The heat in her body was about to explode. “Stop saying that!” her feelings poured out of her, pretending to be anger.

He just laughed. He never laughed. It was so shocking she started laughing too.

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When it got colder, Shikamaru stopped responding to her letters and she received word from Shikamaru's father that his sensei had died on a recent mission. they spent a lot of time at Shikamaru's house that year. Yoshino lingered outside of the kage tower after work always greeting them with concerned reprimands and homemade snacks. And without fail, Yoshino always invited her over for dinner, his mother was kind like how a mother should be.

Temari wasn't used to the cold, but at least it gave her an excuse to sit a little closer. She wasn't used to being confused and speechless like she would do anything if it made him feel ok. But she got used to the deer, shogi, and cigarettes, the way his eyes were a little darker now, that they probably always would be. The silence between them grew bigger than ever before. There was no chit-chat to distract her from how badly she wanted to kiss him. Temari had woken up early the morning of the first snow. The most magical thing about winters in the leaf. It had seemed so simple that morning. Shikamaru sitting on the tatami looking out over the pale ground. The only explanation for why he would be up at this hour was that he hadn't slept. His need for comfort was palpable in the air. It had been easy for her to cross the room and place her body beside his, her arm pressing against him like that day in summer. She kissed him gentle and soft. A touch that she expected to alleviate her need for him but instead stoked it. Shikamaru placed his hand on her thigh, with just as much softness. He sighed
“Temari….”

Her name had never struck her ears with so much affection before. “I have to go back to Suna” She whispered. Then a beat “Thank you for having me”

On the way home Temari considered the power she had let this man have over her, that the touch of a hand on her thigh could leave her utterly defenseless. Could make her almost forget who she is. She was the princess of Suna, the cruelest konouichi. But today she felt like a teenage girl. Like she wanted to learn shogi, like she wanted to learn his secrets and the callouses on his hands.
Temari sped home faster than ever making the trip in only two days.

Chapter Text

it quickly became apparent to Temari that she was failing at this “not caring” thing. After the kiss, their letters began to change, now that she was remembering the warmth of his skin each time she wrote to him. She started dropping little hints about what would happen when they saw each other next, analyzing his responses for innuendo. The more she knew she shouldn't, the more she wanted to obsess over him. Even his handwriting was sexy. Each stroke of his pencil was long and nonchalant just like him. He wrote about his missions and status updates as he always did, but he also included bits about a particularly beautiful cloud he saw, or when a new fawn was born on the compound. Little details most people wouldn’t notice that for some reason he felt she needed to know, little beautiful things that reminded him of her. The thought of seeing him again made her stomach hurt.

Whenever a new letter came she intentionally left it on her desk for a few days before reading it so her brothers wouldn’t think she had been waiting on them. They needed to know that Suna would always be her top priority.

The more time she spent away from Konoha, the more she thought about how Shikamaru joking with Ino and Choji, how he left his posture so completely open around them. It didn’t come naturally to her, her shoulders and jaw were always tense, especially around her brothers. But she was beginning to grow tired of her jealousy, her loneliness. So on the first day of the fifth month without Shikamaru, Temari gathered her paperwork and silently carried it to the living room, where Kankuro ate breakfast. She usually left early to avoid this interaction. She sat down at the far end of the room and got to her papers. Working in silence as she did with Shikamaru. Kankuro glanced up at her from the table, confused but not wanting to question her. awkwardness lingered in the air. Temari hoped it would become easier over time.

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When Shikamaru fucked her for the first time it was inevitable and explosive and sweet. It was a release of endorphins, a rush of dopamine, a milligram of a few chemicals in her brain she had been missing her whole life only to discover them now. Despite the euphoria of it all, the best part was just after. When Shikamaru collapsed over her and rested his head between her breasts, she could feel the whole weight of his body. He felt like hers. Each inch of sweaty skin caressing and rubbing together. The still erratic beating of his heart echoed through her body. She especially liked his back. How it arched when he leaned over to grab a shogi tyle, how it quivered under her hands as he came. It was winter again, a season she thought would always make her horny cause the air tasted like the first time she felt his tongue in her mouth.

Days later as she prepared to leave for Suna she remembered him. Remembered his tongue on her thighs as she tied her obi, his hands in her hair as she put on her sandals, as she opened the door she remembered the sweat, so much sweat. He made her cum four times. That lazy crybaby made her cum four goddamn times. And he made her competitive. Shoving her hips up to fuck him back harder when he was on top of her. He made her want it. Selfishly.

Temari started to spend more and more time in Konoha, with him and his family and friends. Her attempts at cultivating a family of her own seemed more and more pathetic. She tried to remember how she couldn't give up on her brothers back home, how she could never leave, and how they weren't actually dating. They just had sex and told each other things they didn't tell anyone else. The truth was that if she admitted to herself how she wanted him, and he didn’t feel the same it would destroy her. To process any of this could destroy her. It was so much easier to not think about it, to pretend like everything was fine. Besides if he liked her like that he would've said something by now wouldn't he? What was he waiting for? She hated questioning herself, it wasn’t her. Nothing good ever came from wanting something from others. She could only count on herself. Temari promised herself she would definitely end things between them. She was lying.

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There was something different about summer in Konoha. While Temari was used to the heat, the humidity was new. As much as it bothered her there was something sexy about the moisture in the air. Or maybe it was just him. She looked at the man lying beside her. His black hair loose, the naked skin of his back, how the thin sheets barely covered his crotch. A familiar heat began to pool in her stomach, a welcome tingling between her legs. She debated waking him up but she was enjoying the silence. There was a calming quality about the patient whirring of the fan. The noon sun shone through the window clouds big and white. He would like them.

She could imagine a life like this. Laying in bed with Shikamaru and fucking and laying some more. She tried again not to think about it. She had responsibilities. Responsibilities that didn’t have time for the lush green of the Nara forest or the way he smelled like smoke and wood and rain.

The faint conversation of Shikamaru’s parents could be heard from the next room. Probably arguing over lunch. Temari had tried to be discreet about visiting him but of course they knew. She should probably get dressed. Instead, she turned back to Shikamaru, considering how easy it would be to make him hers, wishing she was someone else. She rubbed her nose along the column of his neck inhaling the scent of his skin. She felt relief from an agony in her body that had been building over the spring they had been apart, the reason she could never really quit him.
She caught herself lingering around the compound that afternoon. All the shade and green were gentle on her senses. She had a lot to think about. It wasn’t so awkward with her brothers anymore. It wasn’t easy but it was a start. She couldn’t just abandon them because being with Shikamaru was easier. Family took work. She knew that

“Temari” a voice called out from behind her. With a jolt she realized that her guard had been down, she didn’t sense him at all.

She whipped around to identify the source of the voice “Mr Nara” she responded, bowing.

“Don’t call me that” he chuckled “makes me feel old”
Looking at him was like looking into the future of Shikamaru, he had the same stupid haircut and slow way of speaking. But he also had a wisdom that only comes with age. His scarred face and confident stature were that of a powerful man. She sensed he was a warrior like she was. Carrying marks from a battle long past. Something Shikamaru couldn’t quite understand.

“There’s nothing quite like Konoha in the summer... You should know you’re welcome here anytime you want, though, Shikamaru becomes useless whenever you’re around.” Shikaku stated

“Yes sir” She replied. There was a tense silence

“You love my son?” He asked looking straight ahead

Temari froze. “I-i… um,” She wasn’t used to being speechless. A deep blush covered her face.

he put his hand on her shoulder and gave her a knowing look. A look that felt like a shared secret, like he could look at her and plainly see what not even Shikamaru, Yoshino, or her brothers could. It felt humiliating.

“Have a safe trip home” he turned around walking lazily back to the house.

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Being in Suna had started to make her restless and distracted. She hated the amount of time she spent wondering about him. Did he touch other girls like that? Could they satisfy him like she could? Shikamaru filled up her brain until it felt like she was gonna explode. Each season it became harder to pretend that it was easier this way, better this way.

To distract herself Temari would spend time at a bar on the far other side of town. She would watch people drink and laugh and kiss. Sometimes she took men home with her, especially when she had just returned from Konoha. She liked to pick boys with bright smiles and energy who could fuck her hard enough that her mind went blank. This helped her to pretend that Shikamaru wasn’t special to her, that he could be replaced. But when she took it from behind she couldn't help but imagine Shikamaru's deep breath along her skin, his lean thighs cradling her.

Temari hated when men overstayed their welcome, so she went for walks in the dunes early the morning after. She went while it was still cool out, and prayed that by the time she came home, they had taken the hint. It was nothing personal, she was a very busy woman
She reminded herself that Shikamaru was probably doing this too, that this is what people their age did. It didn’t make her feel less guilty
Everything changed the next time she visited him, when in the dark he had whispered to her that he was afraid. Afraid of losing people like he had lost Asuma. “Somehow, I don't feel afraid when I’m with you” he had said
His eyes were so big and beautiful that night, it was rare that he really looked her in the eyes, lids fully open. “I love you” she had wanted to say. “I love you so fucking much”. Instead, she held him closer. She had never told anyone she loved them before. They fell asleep like that, with his breaths tickling her skin, and her hands exploring the slope of his back until morning. He made her feel safe too, he made her gentle and kind. Maybe it was because no one had looked at her like that before. Looked at her and seen something soft.

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When the war came she tried to reassure herself like she always did. If I die in this battle maybe it's for the best. It's an honor to die serving your country and protecting others. This was her purpose. “But the places you haven't gone” her mind whispered at her “but the way he touches you”. She had never felt like this before, afraid for her own life, afraid of losing it. it felt like an electricity in her veins one that built and built as she went into battle. Fighting was different when you had so much to lose. How could she die without telling her brothers that they aren’t a burden, that they’re loved? She fought with a new passion that carried her through the grief of battle. Dead bodies were heavier now that she could imagine what it would be like to lose Shikamaru, her brothers. She couldn’t believe how careless she had been in her past, how thoughtless in killing. Temari decided that when she survived this battle she would kiss Shikamaru in front of everyone, a kiss that held all of the love she had been too cowardly to show. She decided she would show her brothers that they weren’t broken, they were still a family.

She woke up in a hospital after what was probably days. Time hadn't felt meaningful in a while. Gaaras bright red hair spread across his vision, his eyes tired and face gaunt. He looked terrible. She probably looked worse.

“Temari” He seemed surprised. “You're awake”

“It seems I am” she replied. Trying to seem unphased by the wounds and the terrible smell she was pretty sure was coming from her. “You ok?"

“Fine. Kankuro made it too, hes in the next room”

That familiar unease that was always present when speaking wih Gaara seeped into the air. Like the physical weight of everything they hadn't talked about. Maybe she was still a little afraid of him

“…You know, father isn’t around anymore.” he said, looking away

”What?” That was not what she was expecting him to say.

“What I mean is, you don't have to be afraid anymore. You can be happy. We can be happy.” Was this him giving her permission?

“I have to look after you.” Temari reminded herself out loud. It was too good to be true. That they could just be happy.

”We aren’t kids anymore Temari.” He said. He was right “You’re the strongest person I know, but you should know you don’t always have to be.” He looked back at her
The statement hit her like a ton of bricks

“Go be with your leaf boy. We’ll be fine. Okay?” The look of kindness in his eyes was familiar, it was the same one their mother had.

“Okay” Despite the screaming protest of her muscles she pried her body up from the cold tarp bed. Ignoring the protests of the nearby medical-nin. She could rest later.

“Temari?” Gaara reached out to stop her.

“There’s something I need to do” She smiled at him, hoping he understood.

“He’s been waiting for you, only family’s allowed inside” he smiled back. It was probably the first time she had heard him use that word.

Shikamaru sitting in the waiting room was everything she expected. His anxiously tapping feet, his hand rested on the back of his neck, that beautiful fucking face of his. The way he made her heart melt, she didn't even notice the pain.

“Temari? Hey, are you o—eummph” She interrupted him sliding into his lap, pressing her lips to his.
This kiss was slow, it reminded her of the one they had shared all those years ago. It tasted like snow and warmth and sadness. Full of the emotions that they had been hiding all this time, the ones they had let slip through that morning in the winter. A kiss that wasn’t from need or pleasure. It was like a release. Remember all those feelings I’ve been hiding from you? Take them all, take all of me, consume me, I'm not afraid anymore.

“Shikamaru…” she whispered into his mouth, all of her tenderness slipping out through one breath, a sort of moan.

“I love you”

“I love you too”

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Temri had never wanted to be a mother, she never thought she could love anything as much as she loved Shikamaru. And coming to terms with that love had been a challenge. It had required time, effort and change. Temari had no idea what kind of change would come with loving a child. But she was sure it wouldn’t come easy, she wasn’t lucky like that. Throughout her pregnancy, she had been terrified. Terrified that Shikamaru would realize she couldn't do this, that he had picked the wrong one. And terrified that she was going to ruin this child’s life.

the relief when she held him for the first time was immeasurable. It was effortless, loving him. She thought she could never love anything as much as she loved Shikamaru, but in this moment she knew she would sacrifice him, and herself, and anyone else for Shikadai. Her little boy.

He had her eyes. Somehow, Temari hadn’t really considered that the child would look like her. He had her delicate bone structure too, long eyelashes. He was beautiful
Now here she was, in her home in Konoha with this little adorable squishy thing. Baby Shikadai squirmed out of her arms to start frantically crawling around the room. He wobbled all over the tatami, his little chubby legs not quite ready to take him where he wanted to go.

“Where ya going little buddy?” She chuckled

“Maaa mamaa!!!” shikadai babbled. Cute little fucker

She also loved how much he looked like his father, with his little tuft of dark hair and pale skin. He was something that was just theirs. Collaboration can be messy and hard and usually ends in horrible disaster, but sometimes it ends in something so beautiful no one person can accomplish it on their own. In moments like this, she felt as though the world and all of its beauty existed only for her son to explore and grow in.

“You hungry little guy?” she scooped him up again, trying to get a proper grip so he couldn’t escape again. He was at the age where they had just started introducing him to new foods. She was excited to discover if he had a sweet tooth like her. She carried him into the kitchen to get started on their dinner. Temari never thought she would revel so much in the slow domestic moments. She liked to place shikadai on the counter so he could be her little sous chef. He was already so curious about the way he picked through their spices, experiencing the textures, and smells, and tastes for the first time. As much as she longed for Shikamaru to return home, she also cherished these moments with just her and her baby. After dinner there would be play time outside, reading time inside, then bath time and bedtime.

Shikamaru arrived just in time to read on the couch together, shikadai would cuddle extra close to his daddy after a whole day apart. Shikadai looked just like Shikamaru when he slept. She thought it was the completely vacant unconcerned expression on his face.

After they put him to bed Shikamaru was usually extra clingy and sweet. Temai loved taking care of him. She loved when he came home from a bad day and buried his face in her chest, wrapped his arms around her, his body weight trapping her on the couch. She would complain about not having time for this, about everything she needed to get done. But secretly she hoped he would fall asleep so she had an excuse to stay there for hours running her fingers through his hair, scratching his neck, and rubbing his back, reveling in his moans of relief.
He reminded her of a black cat stretching out in the sun. One who wandered aimlessly but always came back to cuddle at the end of the day. Also how he liked to be scratched under his chin. She loved his broad shoulders and soft stomach just as much as she loved his scrawny torso when they were kids.

She thought back on little Temari. The way she had thought was so small, too small to hold all that this world had to offer. So much so she couldn't even see that the world was there. In her brother's kindness, in shikamarus hands, in the eyes of her child. And this was just the beginning. The beginning of their lifetime together.