Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Boring.

Plain stupid—all these boring people, boring roads and boring sports. 

Just a blank tedious sight as Andrew tried to maintain his boredom, looking for something interesting but finding none while continuing his people watching throughout the bus' window.

Only spotting overly excited mangled idiots plotting together like a pack of hungry penguins, just a bunch of Exy crazed fans ready for their next hit of stickball. 

Well, it wasn't much better inside the bus either as he had a bus full of those kinds of freaks and two of them especially were even worse than everyone combined. Good thing for once that everyone had not yet lost their shits about the stupid match they got next, it was fairly calm considering it being the foxes.

In second, third and even fourth thoughts, Andrew still would never understand the appeal of the sport in question, sweating your ass off because of a boring game, wanting to achieve a certain goal just…because?

Still it beat dying—so maybe it wasn't that bad when no one bothered him too much and he was left alone in the goal most of the time. 

It could be worse, he guessed.

He could have been dead already if his chances were not in his favor and really they rarely were. It was somewhat a miracle he had lived this long, and somehow found himself here and not six feets under.

For whatever reason, here he was going to play some more stickball for another time once again because what the hell, this was for some oddly reasons began to be his life now.

Wymack decided that to be the perfect moment to make everyone aware that they were almost at their destination by giving an unnecessary loud wake up call to whoever was dumb enough to still be nodding off. 

Andrew himself has been awake the better part of the ride and couldn't imagine someone being able to sleep in this hassle, or so he thought.

Well evidently Neil had just woken up, at least the sound of something hitting at the window told Andrew that much and the small sleepy mutters of curses the junkie let out in the next row.

Andrew didn't pay any particular attention to him or the others, just kept staring at the window pointlessly like it would suddenly change its scenery to something more interesting.

It didn't though, it remained the same dull picture of stupidity surrounding these annoying fans and police roaming alongside them.

Speak of the devil—he could actually hear a police car passing them by and the sound of it faintly shrinking to a mere whisper of what was left of the ever-so-loud sirens a seconds ago. 

 It didn't take long for the seat in front to move unexpectedly, but Andrew didn’t turn his head to the direction of movement just yet. Delaying his own reaction until he actually had to eventually face the seat as his name was being called in a hurrying tone. 

Soon Neil made his appearance known from behind his seat, Andrew could tell something was strange in the way Neil held himself and the way his voice came with an edge to it, there was a certain tenseness on the other man’s stance.

The two of them just stared at each other in silence for the next couple of passing seconds, and Andrew saw how Neil's eyes kept shifting left on the window and then back to him, like he was looking for something. 

Andrew wasn't one to speak first, it wasn't in his nature, he liked to avoid it if he could, still there were expectations.

This wasn't one of them though, he waited Neil to speak first.

Then the silence stretched a second too long and Andrew was starting to doubt if the other would say anything.

It's definitely not that hard, he thought. Just open your mouth and speak dummy. It would be easier than whatever this was, maybe Neil wouldn't even tell no lies, well that was a bit hypocritical not that Andrew was a liar himself. 

He just didn't like to speak much, nothing to say so why bother. Because if he was being honest, speaking was overrated and most of the time a huge bother. 

Well some individuals were different as were the days when he felt like doing so.

And for whatever reason this liar with a pretty face and a short temper had somehow smuggled himself right past Andrew's walls little by little. Was now starting to look uncomfortable by the silence.

With one last glance Neil shot at Andrew before turning to their teammates way instead and for whatever reason got up between the rows calling for everyone to “Wait!”

Wait?

Well that was a strange thing to say out of nowhere. 

Wait for what exactly? Andrew didn’t have an answer but maybe Neil would elaborate soon enough if he just waited a moment longer.

The bus was shutting down as it had stopped moving a while ago and then there came the second command to wait from Neil, it had more panic behind it.

 That certainly got the others' attention as Andrew’s. Andrew had to admit seeing only Neil's back now, he couldn't read what kind of face the idiot was making but from the silence that remained. He could gather that maybe Neil was lost for words as earlier and that was somewhat concerning. 

Neil the trouble maker Josten always had something to say. The bastard didn't know how to keep his mouth shut, not even if it put him into danger after doing something idiotic, he just couldn’t help it could he? 

Always had to be the last to speak.

So this was new. Neil being quiet, in search of words that seemed to be lost for some unknown reason Andrew couldn't figure out.

Something must be wrong, at least that much he could gather from the clear hints.

His cousin decided to break the ice by asking the obvious; “Neil, are you okay, you look a bit greenish?” Nicky asked hesitantly of the awkwardness that had settled in the air.

Greenish? Could Neil be unwell? Sick? 

And if he was, of course he would not tell anything to anyone until it got worse enough to be noticeable, that was definitely what the idiot would do.

Why must Neil make everything so difficult…yeah now Andrew was definitely being a hypocrite but whatever, at least Andrew wouldn't make it so obvious if he was sick. He would lick his wounds in silence until he would feel better.

Wymack got up from the front telling them that they should head out, not noticing the atmosphere until Neil shut him out telling them they couldn't do that.

Everyone must have picked the weird atmosphere by now and how oddly Neil was behaving to his regular self.

It was Allison's turn to ask the same question as earlier and this time Neil actually finally responded. A stuttering of a mess that got even Andrew confused momentarily. “I—This day—” Neil paused, clearly debating with himself about something.

But then the mumble jumble of words followed right after leaving everyone speechless, because what the ever loving fuck…was this junkie talking about. 

 “—It keeps repeating and I have already lived this day, I– I know what's going to happen and we need to leave, postpone the game, call the feds or something.” Neil hurriedly spouts a sentence of nonsense.

Now, Andrew was lost and by the looks of it so were the others.

It sounded delirious, like waking up from a nightmare and saying absolute nonsense while not being fully awake just yet. Andrew has witnessed Nicky enough times speaking in his sleep or just waking up and saying the most fucked up shit out of nowhere because his brain was still not fully awake.

Could this be something like that? For one thing…Neil had woken up minutes ago so it wasn't far fetched.

Andrew inspected for everyone’s reactions and noticed the stupidly confused faces on the team. 

“We need to leave,” Neil said before in a slower way this time,  before anyone had the time to fully react to his earlier statement. As if attempting for calmness but failing miserably. It did nothing to the others' lost looks, like they didn't know what to do, how to react the right way. 

Andrew decided to stay still on the back and see what the others would do. Didn't want to meddle in just yet, maybe there would be a simple explanation for it all if he waited a little longer.

“uhh..” Nicky passes Neil a restless glance like he has no idea what to say, it was somewhat amusing to see his cousin in this state. Uncharacteristic in a way, Nicky talked a lot, to the point Andrew sometimes wishes to seal the annoying mouth with superglue so there would be at least a small moment of peace and quiet.

As Nicky stayed unable to form words the other foxes had started spouting questions of their own.

Good thing someone’s brain was working to ask the one thing that was on Andrew’s mind as well. “Did you perhaps have a nightmare, Neil?” Matt asked, carefully motioning his hands like he was trying to calm everyone down a notch.

The question instantly brought some kind of relief for the others, bringing normality to the unusual conversation— but Neil quickly swipes it away.

“No!” Neil picked his sleeves frustrated. “No I didn't–” he repeats. “I'm in a loop, time loop repeating the same day or something like that.”

Whoa, whoa what the hell. 

“Neil-” Dan says, before Andrew can even think of involving himself into the conversation. 

Renee had cut Dan off by asking the most logical question by the situation. “If you get a sensation you have already experienced a certain moment before, it's called deja vu and it's a completely normal phenomenon.” Renee tries to explain reassuringly. 

It doesn't loosen the tension on Neil’s shoulders, it only seemed to build it more. Making the redhead more jittery.

“No, I'm telling you it's not like that!” Neil still tries.

Aaron decided to speak, giving a piece of his mind, “He has finally lost it. ''and of course his idiotic brother had to do that adding ”told you he was another nutjob.” Aaron adds like a cherry on top. 

Like that was going to be making the situation any better, almost as throwing more fuel to a forest fire to spread the craziness even furthermore.

There's whispers being exchanged while Matt looks conflicted whatever Dan had asked him.

“Neil, we don't have time for this nonsense.” Kevin decides to breach like really Day? 

Really?

Still thinking about Exy as if he was having withdrawals from not being on the court while one of his teammates was saying some questionable things and all that is going through your thick skull is ‘we don't have time for this?’ 

Kevin fucking Day could always find a new way to amaze Andrew with his Exy freak of tendencies of not being able to read the room, only viewing through his exy rimmed plexiglasses where he only saw two things: things that were in his way to play exy and things that helped him to his goal of playing exy. 

Exy, exy and more exy.

That was all that filled Kevin's head or at the very least Andrew saw it that way most of the time. Scratch that it was exy and then vodka, vodka filled the void in times of no exy, only useless fear of losing exy filled the man on those times.

Andrew shook his head—back to the problem.

Neil was now turning his back to the others as he faced Andrew, and Andrew had to backtrack a bit as his thoughts were getting disoriented with others.

There was this hopeful look in the other’s eyes as Andrew stared at the blue orbs and he remembered what they were discussing.

“Andrew I'm not lying,” Neil pleaded in desperation. Andrew didn't like the tone because it made his skin uncomfortable.

You, not lying, is that even possible? 

Something twisted in Neil's eyes, almost as he had heard the words out loud Andrew had just thought to himself.

Neil doesn't try to argue about it, just turns to look between the other foxes and Andrew as he tries his best to convince them. Making as much sense as a toddler or an elder with Alzheimer, sounding just more mad the more he tried to explain.

Andrew himself attempts to observe Neil carefully, monitoring his behavior and trying to catch possible lies. Scanning the junkies body language the best he could to crack the code that was right there.

Sweating hands that didn't seem to stay put, as Neil fidgets with his sleeves ends. 

Breathing pattern that keeps picking its pace dangerously up.

To his slightly opened mouth with a quivering bottom lip and the pained expression sitting in the middle of it. 

Lingering on the blue eyes for longer to make sure that it's not what he assumes…thinks of.

The first thing that had involuntarily posed itself in his mind, was these symptoms, very familiar ones.

There's all the signs: paleness and sweating, abnormal breathing to his trembling limbs, uncontrollable fast way of speaking and stuttering. The nauseous unwell look on the junkies face.

Maybe Andrew was overthinking way more into it, but he needed to check that this junkie wasn't an actual junkie, because that would propose an entirely new kind of problem that he was not risking happening again.

While staring continuously at Neil’s pupils—they didn't look any different than other times—still he asks it just in case. 

“You're not on anything.” Andrew checks to make sure that he hadn't been lied to before, the man had told him himself that he doesn't drink or use anything…and Andrew wanted to trust that.

He realizes the mistake he had made the moment he sees the hopefulness change to a flicker of hurt and uncertainty on the other’s face.

Before Andrew can ask anything else, Kevin blows up from the front. “Neil, what the hell, we have a game, you could get banned–” Kevin almost shouts the words. 

Andrew is now facepalming his choices, he might have aggravated Neil’s case by getting the exy crazed idiot into this even more than before.

“What no of course not!” Neil quickly replies to the accusation, “You know i don't do drugs.” he says it turning to Andrew in disbelief.

“Yes, you have told.” Andrew confirms watching him, he’s not lying, so what the hell is it then?

Abby steps from the driver's side. “Neil if you have taken–” 

“I haven't!” Neil swings his head side to side, repeating the words while Wymack and Abby exchange looks between each other. Clearly debating what's the best direction of choices to move on and get some sense of what was going on with their player.

Neil took a sudden step back from everyone, separating himself like a scared animal onto the left side. Hands gripping his own back of the neck, it looked as if he was trying to retain some kind of familiarity and comfort to himself.

Andrew feels the sudden want to move and place his own hand there, to Neil’s neck, but he doesn’t. Doesn’t even move, stays in place watching.

“I promise you, I haven't taken anything,” Neil says from his side. “it's just that we need to leave–”  

”What-?” Dan starts at the same time Andrew asks. “Why?” Because why does Neil keep saying that they can't stay here?

“Look, that doesn't matter now,” Neil interrupts. “What matters is there's going to be trouble and I can't–” 

Trouble?

The unexpected knock on the side of the bus sends Neil flinching and everyone’s attention shifts to the man that's standing by their bus. Even Andrew had been surprised by the unexpected knock.

Wymack moved to open the doors, apologizing and telling the man that they'll be there in a second and focusing on Neil after the man had left.

“Neil,” Wymack says as he turns back for the team. “Talk to me, be honest, have you taken anything,” Wymack doesn't sound accusing.

“No!” Neil instantly replies.

“Then is it the nerves, for our next match?” Wymack asks.

Coach that's definitely not it, even Andrew knows that much.

“What, no its not–”

“Look, I don't know what to do, if you don't tell me the whole situation, I can't just postbon our match without a good reason.” Wymack explains.

“After our game there's going to be a riot and eighty six people are going to get hurt including three of our players.” Neil says after a short pause he spends thinking.

It just keeps going and going, like a snowball building its weight as it fastens its pace. Kidnapping, now a riot—could Neil be trying to tell them that he’s in danger, but why the fuck is he mixing it with time loops and other insanity like that. 

Andrew would have believed him otherwise but this is even too crazy for him to believe in.

So… what the fuck.

“And how do you know this?” Wymack questions. Neil takes his sweet time staring until he responds. “Because I have already lived this day..” Maybe Aaron was onto something and Neil had finally lost it, considering the bunch of them, it's not unlikely or hard to believe. 

Could it be some kind of delusion of a starting episode?

“Our warm ups are going to start in 30 minutes.” Kevin reminds Wymack as Andrew wants seriously pound Kevin until he learns to read the fucking room and stop obsessing over stickball.

“Neil, how about you sit this one out and talk with me.” Abby suggests carefully, she must be thinking it’s something like what Andrew just thought of himself.

Even the toughest ones could crack and sometimes break on their own.

Of course, Kevin starts arguing at first because of course he does but stops soon as Wymack send him a look that tells him to shut the fuck up.

“You don't believe me,” Neil turns to foxes, stunned. “Do you?” There is this hurtfulness that lets it show itself behind the words.

It just— it made the most sense that Neil was perhaps having an episode and being paranoid and talking about strange things rather than a time loop being real.

“I see.” Neil said looking at the floor, but then something changed as Neil started smiling, but the smile felt fake on his face somehow. It felt all wrong. What was there to smile about? Andrew could not think of anything worth smiling over at the moment.

“Don't worry guys, I was only joking.” Neil let out a huff of a laugh. “Got you good didn't i?” the redhead grinned. 

Say what now?!

“Whaa–?” Nicky said, flabbergasted. “You–you pranked us?!”

No way.

“Yup, I'm a good actor, aren't i?” Neil smiled pointing his tongue out as he was making a way to the front. “So no worries, I can play— not going crazy” he told Abby in a matter of fact tone.

A FUCKING PRANK WHAT THE HELL! Andrew's brain yelled at him because what the fuck?!

That's the most absurd thing he has ever heard about— Neil Josten and a prank—There is no way, no fucking way Neil just pulled out a prank and everyone fell for it. Even Andrew himself fell for the shitty excuse of a prank…no fucking way.

“Neil-” Abby began.

“Sorry, I won't do it again, I promise.” Neil bit down a smile. “I should have prioritized the timing better- huh.”

“Damn he got us good, didn't he?” Matt said. 

The upperclassmen were baffled and intrigued by falling for the crappy ‘prank’ of Neil’s and so was Andrew because of that? Could it really just be a prank, all of it?

Could Josten be really that good of an actor, even fooling him? Still something seemed fishy with the lying bastard and Andrew couldn't point out exactly what even how hard he tried to figure it out.

“I didn't know you had it in you,” Allison chimed from her seat. “well played, luckily we didn't bet on something like that or I would have lost a lot of money.” 

“We totally should have!” Nicky yelped from where he was now standing.

“Okay if you guys have forgotten–” Kevin says clearly annoyed, “that we have a game soon and we don't have time to waste on useless pranks!” The pissed look of Kevin’s face is mostly pointed to Neil’s direction, but the others receive their fair share of it too.

“ah, Kevin, always the party pooper.” his cousin pouted. 

They started to slowly get going, but Andrew was stuck at the back of the bus having not moved a muscle from the back row he was still firmly standing on his two feet, conflicted about many things.

 He had started moving slowly and while Wymack did the headcount he was thinking and thinking, trying to solve the puzzle of why exactly would Neil even prank them, what did he benefit from it?

”Neil, is something wrong?” Abby asks behind Andrew bringing him back to the present as several heads turned where Neil had stopped in his tracks. 

”Yeah I just gotta make a short call.” Neil held his phone up, “It won't take long.” casting a wary smile and stepping out of earshot. 

A call? To who? Neil avoided the phone like it was a bomb about to set off, so who the hell was he calling right now. The others had started to gossip of who must Neil be calling. Allison whispering sleekly “a girlfriend perhaps” his cousin added winking “or a boyfriend.”

Andrew tried to tune out the others and their useless talks of Neil’s non-existent partner. And focus on the present.

Neil's behavior did not match with his words. That Andrew knew for sure and he would have a serious talk with the other in the locker room once they got there.

It didn't take long for Neil to end the call, it took almost a laughable amount of time to be able to even have a phone call in the short while. 

As Neil closed the distance, Andrew noticed that Kevin had already entered through the doors with Wymack following the same man that had come knocking their window earlier.

After sending Neil a pointed look, expecting some kind of explanation for everything and anything.

“I just needed to sort something.” Neil huffed not explaining any further and isn't that just perfect. “oh, yes—” Andrew said. “time loop,” rolling his eyes to that, “where did you even learn the term, i didn't know your junkie brain comprehend anything other than Exy.”

Because could it really just have been a prank? If it was, then it was one hell of a prank, “I didn't take you for a prankster.” he told truthfully, considering the chance of Neil and pranking. It sounded almost hilarious and illogical at the dame time.

Neil didn't reply and Andrew wasn't going to turn around as they were already nearing the building. 

Then there was almost a small mutter behind him, but he wasn't sure if Neil had said anything or if he had heard wrong so he indicated that they would talk later.

 A clear sound of a siren nearby could be heard, the weird thing about it was that it was coming closer and closer almost as if it was closing in behind the building and the steps that had been behind Andrew, had stopped.

“Shit—“ Andrew turned around at the sound of Neil's voice and the paleness that reappeared in his face, wide eyes staring at the now nearing police car as he turned his back to it.

Yeah something wasn't right.

”Nathaniel,” a woman called from the car.

There wasn't a Nathaniel here, maybe they had got it wrong, thought they saw someone but got it mixed up. 

And Neil’s weird behavior now was just being wary of the cops…that was understandable. He himself did not like cops either, the lot of them that were good for nothing cops that couldn't even do their jobs right even if the leads were so obvious, just infuriated Andrew.  

What caught his eyes whatsoever was what the cops were wearing…civilian clothes.

“Junior, I know you can hear me.” said the woman inside the car.

That sent a signal of a spiraling image into Andrew's brain; red letters, their locker room mirror. “happy 19 birthday Jr”  and red substance that looked and smelled a lot like blood falling inside of Neil’s locker mapping everything in red it came in contact with.

“If you don't get in now, I will have no other choice but to come and get you.” the woman continues and Andrew can tell a threat when he hears one.

The sound of a bag hitting the ground allerted Andrew to see Neil lowering his racquet on top of his duffel, and taking a step away from them.

“Who are they talking to?” Matt had opposed an important question.

 “Neil, do you… know them?” Dan had asked him, receiving silence for an answer.

The atmosphere screamed danger and the way Neil had gone between the car and his team as if putting himself in the middle shielding the rest had Andrew's nerves in a twist. 

He didn't know what was going on but he knew it was bad. 

About to reach for his knives just in case it escalated that far but once his hand had moved, his hand had reached to the sleeve of Neil’s in instinct as he realized the other one was moving away attempting to go near the car.

Andrew could see the moment he would lose him if he let go of this piece of cloth that was the only thing connecting them. He could feel how the other was shaking but trying to mask it and Andrew tightened the grip asking for any kind of reply. 

 Neil never turned to face him, even with the tight grip he had on the sleeve Neil got free from it still trembling and his voice held so much emotion when he said the next thing which Andrew didn't understand.

 “It's fine, I will see you again in the next one.” said the liar who started to fade away from Andrew's reach. 

Turn around! 

Where are you going? 

All these questions but no answers filled Andrew’s brain that was being too loud.

“Wait!” He heard himself call between the shouts of the others asking what's happening.

 “Neil, where are you going?!” Matt called out, but it was too late the door shut right in front of Andrew’s face. Fingers grazing the handle.

When had he moved from there to here? He couldn't even recall he had moved his body.

Still it was no use, the car drove the moment Neil had stepped inside even before the door was entirely shut and the ugly sirens turned on making Andrew's blood boil with the intensity of them and the speeding vehicle started to disappear.

 Already losing sight of Neil as the screaming in his head got louder while the sirens subdued.

He didn't know what he was looking for as he emptied and rummaged the bag that had been left behind.

The old dirty duffel bag Neil always held like it was all he had. ‘Of course i am, everything i own fits in one bag’ Neil had told him.

He reached for a sign, a message? 

Something to explain this.

 It came down with the frustration of not finding anything in time, he flipped the whole bag upside down and shook it furiously, then there was a click and a crash as two final things dropped on the concrete. 

The metallic sound of keys and the phone Neil hated.

Things Andrew had given him, things Neil would not just leave behind without a reason.

It was a goodbye of sorts.

A farewell.

= 🔑=

“Get ready, we don’t have much time before warm ups.” Wymack said, disappearing inside before they were able to say anything, obvious to all.

“What took you guys so long!” Kevin questions in disbelief. “Where's Neil, I swear– wait, why do you have his stuff?” Kevin asked, confused, pointing at the duffel bag at Andrew’s tight fists around them.

Dan, Matt and Nicky tried to explain but Andrew beat them to it.

“Well so sorry Kevin, one of us just decided to get kidnapped by fake cops, so it took a bit of time and these–” Andrew dropped the duffel bag and raqcuet on the ground in front of Kevin. “–were left behind.”

“What do you mean, how do you know they weren’t real police officers?” asks Dan suddenly. “Yeah what do you mean?” Matt points out.

“Well for one I'm not blind and for two they weren't even in uniforms and you really think Neil would go that easy into a police custody without a fight? And the ‘cops’ didn't even say what business they were there for, didn't read any rights at all.” he tsked.

“And the sound of it, they knew him and he knew who they were. And that it was either dangerous for him or for us or both and he decided to sacrifice himself by going god knows where like the fucking martyr he is.” Andrew angrily says ignoring the worried looks. 

All that talk of fighting for himself and this was the result of letting Neil have his way.

“Chop chop, we don't have all day” Wymack appears behind the door unaware that one of his cubs had left the foxhole on an adventure that likely ended in death.

As the lot of them remained in the panic filled silence, Wymack realized from Nicky's teary eyes and Dan’s apologetic way of whispering “coach” that something wasn’t fine, okay, all well dandy, however you wanted to fucking put it.

No, it was the fucking opposite, all wrong, erratic and just plain bad.

“Oh coach, we just might have all the day, as you see we don’t have enough players, Neil here went and got kidnapped by some people pretending to be cops so now we have to call the real ones and figure what the fuck is going on.”

“This isn't one of your pranks again, is it?” Wymack has the nerve to ask, not taking it seriously at first but when nobody laughed and he understood the seriousness.

Andrew sends him a blank look. Like really? Me and a childish prank? Who do you think I am?

Wymack clears his throats. “Uhh okay, okay! Tell me what happened now!” Their coach hurries them to explain all of it.

He tells him, while Dan, Matt and Nicky add their versions and details they noticed. Andrew was stuck recalling the day, picking up the pieces he had missed and mixing them together until the puzzle would make some sense. Some clarify why this had happened. 

Neil had broken from the deal, there had been a message of a zero and a phone call both from an unknown number, Andrew had tried to call it several times and it always went unanswered as the mystery number had been turned off. 

Neil did try to get out with a sleek prank as an excuse, he had known that something would happen and it had. 

“Shit i'm going to alert the match to be postponed by an emergency and then we will gather everyone and figure something out.” Wymach curses while hurrying out.

It was a haze between gathering all the foxes, contacting the police, getting out of the building into their bus and calling Higgins when New York officers were not taking it seriously at first—only grew the frustration Andrew was feeling of being useless. 

The only key to finding Neil was information which Andrew lacked of. 

Also the time when Kevin had started to act strange after taking a peek at Neil's recent calls and going white as a ghost only worsened the selfcontrol Andrew had left before it too would blow up.

He didn't know what had taken over him, he was standing two feets away from Kevin and the next thing he knew his hands were around the man's throat asking for answers as Kevin seemed to at least know something.

He could feel the looming weight of being too late as multiple hands were trying to maul him off Kevin but he couldn’t really feel their hands. 

He felt like he had failed Neil, failed to protect even if the deal— Neil must have known— the timing fit, breaking their deal off after Neil had reserved the 0 and knew it was game over, sacrificing himself like the martyr he was.

Was it too late, had he really been too late to notice how weird the liar had been acting while crying for help in his own stupid way.

Neil or Nathaniel or whoever he was as Kevin finally got something out of his throat began spilling out the secrets like they were his only salvation from Andrew's brutal hands.

Nathaniel

Moriyama

Butcher of Baltimore

Wesninski

All these new names and information that finally put the remaining pieces somewhat together as a whole.

The seat he was seated in felt cold, he could see how Abby was loitering around Kevin looking for the damage as Wymack was speaking but his ears didn't receive any sound, he couldn't hear anything throughout the buzzing that reminded him of the white noise that came of a tv while the white snow wiggled around it like a puckle of termites.

The static noise of it filled his ears. 

Could he be already gone and there was nothing Andrew could do about it, nothing, nada, nils.

Neil Josten had been nothing and it was ironic that he would leave as nothing.

It would have been better if he had been the side effect of the drugs, because now Andrew was missing someone that he didn't know was even real.

A liar, junkie, an idiot, a rabbit, a fox, martyr and nothing.

Those were the syllabus Andrew often referred to Neil Josten, the boy who was and is nothing and Andrew wanted to meet the nothingless bastard again if he could, yell at him, argue, smoke cigarettes that the other just wasted away, kiss him, joke around, talk—feel.

But like he had guessed it was too late and there was not a thing that would make it better and bring those times back.

Because just as the scared rabbit that had entered the foxhole once, had showed its true self of a foxy fox wearing rabbit's clothes and yet still getting caught in the trap meant for the rabbit.

There was this stupid latin phrase Andrew had once read in a magazine and it popped in his mind because once he read something it would be stuck there forever for eternity. 

He hated his mind, the way it worked, the way it made him remember the phrase.

Vita incerta, mors certissima, translated to: Life is uncertain, and death is most certain.

The quote started to piss him off the more it circulated through his endless pit of mind, because it was true and he needed it not to be.

He wished he could cheat death and bring Neil back—just might have accepted that it wasn't nothing, Neil Josten had never been nothing.

Here Andrew was surrounded by people and a hole in his stomach full of nothing, this might as well been the first time he knew what it felt like for something to turn into nothing at all.

Movement—walking—voices—yelling—buzz of radio—a dead body—cry-

Dead body?

Body being dead.

Someone was dead.

Dead body, and the blackness spread inside him. 

The nothing they had shared, died that day with the body of a liar Andrew hasn’t been ready to lose.

Chapter Text

The boring day that hadn't fully yet even kicked off, and here Andrew was, viewing the sidewalks of boring views and boring people in them. He didn't expect anything else from the day other than boredom. 

The same old, he thought.

Same old nuisance of a game they had on their schedule in a few, the same old teammates as certain same old annoying individuals. So nothing much, nothing new or extraordinary planned of the ordinary day he had going on – or so he thought.

His momentary peace and quiet got overruled by Wymack who let them know they were almost there, at their destination.

That let Andrew hear the exact moment the boy in front of him woke up and stopped breathing. 

He could automatically tell something was wrong with Neil, the way a small inhale had escaped the first second and how sounds like teeth clattering against each other traveled between the seats on the next.

Andrew could barely hear the shaking, feel the panic building from the seat in front.

Then shortly came a small gag and Neil shot up from his seat like there was fire on his ass. Jerking himself closer to the window in case he would— vomit ? Was he feeling sick?

Sharply following every move of the man that stops still like a statue as if he only now realized he wasn't alone. And not by himself, rather in a full bus of many pairs of eyes.

That he was likely being observed, if not by Andrew then by their other team members. 

He can still see the trembles that travel Neil’s body when he becomes aware of it and exactly the moment when his legs lose control, taking a clumsy hold of the seat and lowering himself on it, almost in hopes it will help with the uneven breaths that come staggering out of Neil.

Andrew was about to ask the obvious but something stopped him and then came a small laugh that sent chills to Andrew's spine.

In return it froze his ass on the seat — The laugh — Its the kind of laugh he doesn't miss.

 Not long ago he himself had been producing the same kind of laughs. The drugs had messed up his head thinking everything was amusing. When in reality nothing really was, you just couldn't do anything else than laugh even though inside you were screaming. 

Because the drugs only let you laugh it out like a prisoner of your own body.

That’s the type of laugh Neil had just let out and Andrew didn’t know why. But he did not like it one bit, it hit too close.

The sudden noise had brought the others attention to the back even more. Foxes finally realized that something was perhaps going on in the back with their new striker. The first one to catch his eyes was Nicky who was the closest to Neil’s seat a couple of rows by.

 Curiously watching their way while someone asked for Neil.

 “Neil, you good?” Andrew heard Matt, when the man too turned around to see his roommate acting weird, but Neil didn't react to the sound. Not to the question or to his name. 

Then it was Kevin who called for Neil, but it too went on empty ears.

It took some time until Josten finally raised his head from the seat and Andrew got a peek of it before he turned to the others. His face was mixed in emotions Andrew couldn't recognize on the rabbit. They were new and unreadable, faces Andrew had not seen before on the liar, almost honest but hidden in layers of vulnerability he hadn't been given the permission to see before.

It was strange to say the least.

“Neil, are you fine? Are you okay?” His cousin looked at them both, from Neil to Andrew and Andrew to Neil. Do something his cousin communicated via concerned glances that Andrew dismissed.

What was he supposed to do?

As Neil doesn't respond and Andrew doesn't do anything about it, Nicky opens his mouth again. “Are you fine, Neil?” His cousin asks one more time. And Neil finally shows a reaction. Tensing to the question like he finally regained his hearing between the shaky breaths – but he doesn't respond.

Andrew wants to- he stops the thought, –doesn't want anything he reminds himself. He just doesn't like the way Josten is all quiet and he would rather hear him speak soon. And when he doesn't…and the silence stretches unconformably so with the way Neil is taking each breath like his last.

Andrew decides that enough was enough. “Josten.”  He says, but Neil stays unresponsive, it was starting to bother him, the way the junkie was breathing, if he even was.  It sounded unpleasant and Neil should stop with it and breathe. Whatever was going on the junkies' head right now.

But rather than stop with it, Neil flinched from his voice, almost choking on something.

The man is turned from him so Andrew can't exactly see what is happening on his face, but from the foxes who are turned to them, he sees their expressions of worry and something like surprise.

Like they couldn't believe their eyes.

And he'd like to know what was going on, what were they seeing?

After a short silence. Neil cleared his throat and told the two word lie Andrew had come to despise. ”I'm fine.” The liar said. Even Neil must know nobody was buying it, not this time. Especially of the way Neil had said it like he was hanging on a thin thread that was about to snap any minute now. Fighting to stay above the surface even though he was avoidably sinking.

”Neil, what's wrong?” Their captain had gotten up from her seat to get a closer look at the now tense member of their team.

“Nothing.” Neil responds instantly, too sharply to be anything other than a lie to Andrew’s ears and Josten continues with, “nothings wrong-” a hoarse voice says while swiping something from his face Andrew’s unable to see. 

He wishes Neil would turn around so he’d see what was going on the idiot's face, get some sense into it, why he was acting the way he was. 

What was causing the change? He had been just fine when they had talked, nothing seemed wrong then.

 ”Just a nightmare.” Josten whispers out barely loud enough from them to hear him. 

Nightmare?

That's what this was? But why does it sound like another of his many lies? Andrew can't help but get up from his seat, wanting the whole truth. He was tired of the constant lies or half-truths the man told so naturally, in a way they were probably his way of protecting himself like the knives were for Andrew.

But he thought Neil at least trusted him somewhat not to tell such obvious untruths.

Once he was getting off the seat, the movement sent Neil covering his face the second he heard the creaking of a seat behind him, like he was shielding himself from prying eyes, from whatever was displayed on it that he didn't want Andrew to see. 

Why, why, why? 

Well the answer makes itself known as a sob like sound comes in front of him, from the man that has started to shake again, is he–

“Junkie?” Andrew moves closer, hesitating but placing his palm on the nape of the other to get those tense shoulders to relax before they pop. He feels the ragged shakes under his hand, shoulders trembling as lungs expand rapidly. 

There’s a concealed sniff. Is Neil– is he crying? 

Why is he crying? Andrew has never seen him cry before…He doesn't know what to do about it. How to deal with people crying, so he stays unmoving.

Neil too, remained dead still on the hold and Andrew thought he had calmed down some…before an actual sob that sounded a lot like… ’drew’ erupted beside him and Andrew almost wretched himself from Neil when he heard the cry that sounded too much like his name. 

However some of the sound got muffled with Neil's trembling hands covering his face and a couple of tears slipped from them.

Still he had heard it perfectly clear and Andrew couldn't help but tighten the grip. What's wrong? What is going on? Why does the idiot sound like that, why does he say his name in that manner. Like Andrew's– 

Neil shivers under his touch and soon he’s babbling apologies.  “I'm so- I'm so so sorry… I really am. I- I tried but I couldn't do anything,” he draws a ragged breath. “My father he- and you-” Neil stops breathing.

Before Andrew can ask what the hell he is talking about, for what he is apologizing for, Neil is out of his touch, getting away from him. Andrew wants to yank him back. But then Neil’s saying something to Kevin in French Andrew can't understand.  “What?” Kevin sounds and looks just as stunned..

 “Just give it to me.” Neil says with a few unsteady steps heading for the striker.

“Why, why do you need it?” Kevin points out blinking at Neil. 

Need what? What were they discussing? What did Neil need?

“Why else?” He hears Neil ask snarky. “I'm going to drink it.” Kevin makes a face like he couldn't understand any of this. “Neil, we have a game.” The taller man replies looking for help on the other foxes. 

Dan tries to calm them down, but Neil ignores her as if she didn't say anything and replies to Kevin. “Too bad Kevin, I have bigger problems than exy right now so give me the goddamn bottle or I'm going to go to the nearest bar and get shitfaced there, would you prefer that?” Neil simply states.

Neil doesn't drink, so why would he… “But you don’t drink?” Allison points out uncertain “right?” 

“Yeah, he never does.” Nicky confirms sending them confused stares while Dan keeps trying to ask what was going on.

All Andrew could do to think was that: what could be so bad, that Neil needed a drink to escape it? Did he really have such an awful nightmare that got the junkie all messed up? 

But why apologize, did he dream about his father? Did he do something in the dream that Neil needed to be sorry for? Was that it?

Andrew couldn't get it, it was just a nightmare…

Yeah he wasn't one to judge on the matter of nightmares when they tormented him just as much. But this was Neil I don't drink Josten. So it had to be a really bad one if it got him drinking and acting the way.

Next thing he knows,  Neil is reaching for Kevin’s bag and dragging the glass bottle to his lips when he reaches it. Kevin curses him out but Neil pays no attention to it, drinking like it's his only chance to help whatever he's feeling, whatever he saw before he opened his eyes.

“Neil!” Kevin tries to yank the bottle, “You can't, we have a game!!” Kevin calls their coach, in disbelief that Josten was drinking his vodka. Neil didn't seem to care about the matter though “I can and I will.” Neil told, taking another heavy gulp despite the other’s attempts to take the bottle. 

 “Talk to us, what’s wrong.” Matt is getting closer to Neil, the way you would to a scared kitten. Josten wasn't barring his teeth or nails to them, he was more focused on the smooth liquid.

“Josten, what do you think you're doing?” their coach finally notices the whole situation. 

And for some reason he looks at Andrew for answers like he would know. Coach, coach, I do not have all the answers. Even though he would like to, he wasn't a mind reader and reading Neil was as hard as solving a puzzle that didn't want to be solved.

Sometimes it was easier than other days, but right now it was impossible, it was like he woke up a new person. 

Like he was unfamiliar somehow, one nap and he was different.

“Why would I?” Josten bites out. “It would make no difference.” He lets a painful laugh past his lips which Andrew hates, it makes his skin itchy. Every time he hears the laugh that doesn't sound like one despite it being one.

“What are you talking about?” He finally asks Neil through all that fakeness.

“You really want to know?” Neil slurs between the words like it was somehow funny to him, this situation.

“About my— nightmare ?“ Andrew hears the way he says the last word, it's the same way he says the word misunderstanding. 

Like it holds a different meaning or it has a not so fond memory behind it.

Andrew feels his own brows furrow wanting an explanation to what Josten was on about and then Matt tries to take the bottle from Neil so he can’t take more drinks from it. And Neil’s focus shifts to the bottle again. The slippery bastard he is, Neil evades Matt’s poking hands reaching for the item in search and failing at it as Neil gets further.

He’s not sure what causes it…

But what starts at a small huff of Neil’s, turns into a laughing fit. Like he’s not getting air between the breaths and Andrew is pretty sure Neil is close to hyperventilating and he needs him to breath for fucks sake. 

“Stop!” he snaps them all out of it. Stop. Just stop this madness.

Neil finally breaks out of his fit, taking ragged breaths after another. The silence that settles inside the bus Andrew ignores, he’s more focused on the breaths the rabbit takes.

 Neil looks up, but he looks past him not meeting his eyes. Why? Why can't you look me in the eyes? What do you not want me to see in them? 

Why are you hiding?

The next thing Neil tells them doesn't sit right with him. Maybe it's the alcohol or whatever nightmare he had dreamed of. 

it just sounds all wrong, like Neil's suddenly all wrong.

“I died and kept dying over and over again, it wasn't enough that I was the one dying. I got someone else killed in the most brutal way imaginable, so sorry if I'm losing my touch and being like Kevin who drinks his problems away.” Neil lets out another self-deprecating laugh.

“It's just a dream, why are you making such a big deal out of it?” Aaron says from his seat. 

“Just a dream?” Neil shakes his head “you have no clue-“

“What's your problem Minyard?” Allison snaps at his twin. 

“Nightmares can be scary so let's be understanding.” Renee offers but Aaron doesn't seem to listen. “What, did your boogie man finally catch you?” Aaron shut up. Andrew glares at his brother. 

“Aaron you’re so funny.” Neil says. “Do you know what sucks tho?” Neil says to know one, looking out of the window. “I tried to tell you guys in the dream that something was wrong and you never believed me, not once. And I don’t think you ever would even if I did that now either.” 

They all listen to the liar.

“Do you want to know why?” Neil asks with a jittery voice and tense shoulders that the alcohol couldn't relax. “You guys would think of every other possibility first before you would trust me to be truthful…And that’s the cold hard truth. I just now realized.” Neil ends with, looking so defeated, like he lost something he knew he couldn't do anything to get it back because it was already gone. 

Between Neil telling them they didn't trust him and foxes telling Neil that they did, Neil decided to fuck with them and ask a question he knew they couldn’t answer with trust. Then Neil was declaring he was out, not playing and Andrew decided to focus on getting the bottle of those hands instead, the alcohol was making Neil unbearable to listen to. 

He didn't make sense, and Andrew couldn't add him up.

 So he took the bottle when the runner wasn't paying it any attention, more focused cussing at Kevin and telling their coach that he was out. 

For one second ready to leave, Neil was about to take another swing from the bottle, but came empty handed. Looking confused as ever until he followed the gaze between his own hands to Andrew's hand where the bottle was resting.

 “Gimme the bottle.” Neil said, eyes on the vodka. Andrew stares at him, not moving. He had no intention of giving it.

“The bottle.” Neil extends his hand getting tired of waiting, Andrew stares at the calloused hand that had small thin scars here and there. “No.” he was not going to give him the bottle, Neil was already a walking mess and more alcohol? Definitely fucking not.

 Josten raises his eyes at him. And why the hell not? Andrew gives him a blank stare. Are you stupid? What the hell is wrong with you today?

Before long, Neil turns around and the only thing Andrew can see is the tense back as Neil exits the bus and heads inside leaving a puzzled team behind.

***

Even Andrew himself saw the way Neil would close off when the others tried to get answers of why he wasn't playing, of his nightmare or just of his well-being.  He had also tried to pry at first but Neil told him an unwavering ‘no’ he wasn’t budging from, a clear way of telling him to back the fuck off and so Andrew did. 

He left him in peace and focused on the annoying game, leaving the non-sleeping-Neil who was pretending to sleep so nobody would bother him furthermore, behind the locker room when the time came for their match.

Andrew could tell the moment he set his foot on the court it would be a tiring match that he couldn't wait for it to end before it even had started.

The mix in with their new lineup messed the whole game, making it even harder for Andrew in the goal and he was doing the bare minimum because truth be told he couldn't care less about the result right now and rather of the man that had finally showed up on the bench after halftime was over.

He could feel eyes on him and knew who it was – when Andrew eyed the way – he saw them talking. Coach was saying something to Josten on the bench and Neil said something back with an almost saddening look. Then shortly WymacK was turning his gaze following Neil’s to him and Andrew turned on the game, deciding to ignore them both.

Focusing on the game they were miserably losing. 

And doing nothing about it, so they lost.

a big fucking deal..

Well for some it was, as Wymack tried to gain their attention before a fight would break loose as the winning team taunted the beaten foxes. Kevin was losing it and Dan looked disappointed by their result and the others weren’t much better.

“Alright, Foxes come here!” Wymack orders for them to gather around. 

He slowly drags himself there as Wymack’s  giving them a lame speech and sending them to shower after everything is being done, Andrew does not bother with the handshakes, he would rather touch an eel than those slimy players with a stick.

When they get the head up to leave, Andrew glances a final look at Neil’s way before going into the changing room, which Neil never returns so he turns to the door. 

“What the hell is wrong with him?!” Kevin shakes his head the second the door closes “We fucking lost because of him.”

“You can't put the whole blame on him..'' Matt says, putting down his gear. “No idea what's going on with him though but the loss can’t entirely be his fault.” He points out.

“Yeah we are a team after all!” Nicky hums from his way to shower. 

“Still it's not like him to just not play…'' Kevin says, turning to him. Andrew has been getting his sweaty gear off, minding his business and he’s ready to head to the shower to let the warm water brush the solemn atmosphere away or well ignore it.

Foxes were going to be a pain in the ass the ride back and Andrew would rather mute them for the rest of the journey, starting from now, as Kevin was eyeing him for an opinion on the matter.

“Do you know anything?” Kevin asks when it's just the two of them left, the others were already in the showers.

“of what?”

“What's going on with him?” 

“What makes you think I would know?” Andrew scoffs.

“Well you know…aren't you guys… closer?” he raises his eyebrow to the taller man in question.

Closer?  

“Don't you guys like.. talk, share things and stuff…?” Things, Stuff? Andrew pointedly looked at the striker.

“…forget it.” Kevin looks away.

And, Andrew sees it as opening to go past Kevin to shower, while he's drenched in the warm water, he hears the argument when a door opens and it can't be anyone other than a certain redhead.

“What the hell is wrong with you?” Kevin's voice echoes inside the room.

“You tell me? What isn't?” he hears Neil say back snarkly back. “No, I'm serious!” The striker shouts.

“I bet you are.” Andrew could swear Kevin was turning red with fury the way Neil talked back to him. “When we get back, we’re seriously having a talk about your behavior today, it's unacceptable.” 

“if” 

“What?” 

“If we get back.” There's a silence before Kevin asks Neil “Do you know something I don't?” 

Indeed, if we get back? What's the meaning of those words, why wouldn’t they get back?

Andrew doesn't hear the reply and then Kevin is walking into a shower stall clearly pissed off and Neil disappears somewhere. Because when he tries to look for Neil when he finishes showering he's nowhere in sight, he probably doesn't want to be found so Andrew goes into the other room to wait with the rest of the bunch. 

Neil will have to sooner or later join them and Andrew will get his answer at some point.

**

The mood is extremely sour in the locker room as you could expect it to be, even the gossipers are staying quieter as they wait for everyone to gather so they can leave and go to drink their loss away.

“Should someone go check on him?” Nicky asks, scratching his face when Neil takes his sweet time making them wait for him as he was the only one still not here. Andrew was about to get up to go see if the junkie slipped and died on the slippery floor and that's why he was making them wait. 

But he didn't need to.

He didn’t get further than one step as Neil came through the doors, something dangerous flickering in his eyes.

 That made Andrew drawn to him. “Are you still playing your avoiding game or do you want to tell me now why you've been so off today?” Andrew gets in hand reach so Neil is forced to acknowledge him.

“If you give me your knife, I might,” Neil replies, avoiding the question, looking at the room.

He can't help but avert his eyes at that. “And why would I do that, planning on murdering someone?” he asks sarcastically. However, Andrew stillness of the sharp “yes.” he receives, because that was the truth and Neil meant every letter in the word. 

An alarmed laugh travels from his cousin's throat but he's more focused on the person in front of him. “Who?” Andrew asks, ignoring his cousin or the other bystanders watching their every move.

“Give me the knife and find out.” is Neil's only reply. Andrew considers it. Feeling the built-in-slots on his skin where the small knives hid. 

“Do not give him a knife Andrew.” A snap comes from his brother for everyone's ears to hear.

Something changed in those few seconds. Neil’s voice is startling “you have three seconds!” and the way he stands as if taking a fighting stance that gets Andrew allerted because something was going on, had been the moment the boy had first woken up on the bus. 

Danger

The change of Neil is evident to him now so he reaches for his black bands, fingers taking a hold of one of the knives there. “Don’t kill yourself with it or i will kill you.” staring at those blue eyes. Don’t fucking die whatever you’re about to do.

“Will not if I don't have to.” Andrew’s hand freezes slightly to those words, what does that mean?  

But Neil is quick to grab the weapon from him and on the move the next second pulling his shirt down with himself. 

A bullet flies on the air, Neil yells for them to get out before running into the gun's direction like a suicidal maniac throwing the knife to a security guard. Yanking the knife out and the body falls he had just ran into.

A knife flies again and Andrew settles himself to be ready to join in the fight but then Aaron is on the radar of the now flying bullet.

 He can’t make it there in time.

Aaron’s gonna–

Neil is like a flash in his view, yanking his brother out of the way and the bullet goes through Neil's shoulder “Don't just stand there!” Neil snaps at Aaron, holding his right shoulder that the bullet had gone through. “Get your brother out!” Andrew hears him say, he would think it was meant for him, but Neil was telling it to Aaron.

 “Now!” Neil yells. 

A door opens and a woman comes through laughing at the scene, and Neil changes again, further into someone unrecognizable, his eyes become blank as he sprints to the unknown woman with a gun on the other hand and a knife the next.

Neil had broken the deal to fight himself, so he didn't need protection like Andrew's lot did, he needed to still keep them in his protection. The foxes were frozen in terror, dragging them further off the ongoing fight would be difficult…but the fight didn’t last long

Before he noticed Abby had been on call with someone, he tries to get closer to her but Wymack stops him. Shaking his head “We can't protect him from this. ” Wymack says. 

It has quieted for some, when Andrew looks at the woman on the floor Neil is on top of her swinging the knife in her chest over and over again, like he doesn't know how to stop.

  ‘Stop it!’ Dan keeps screaming. ‘Stop!’  ‘Neil stop it!’ Matt begs.

“Don't go near him, we don't know what's going on.” their coach tells him, but Andrew doesn't listen, he takes careful steps to the man who had gone berserk.

What had changed?  

What had happened to the liar of a rabbit to suddenly clashed its teeth into three people killing them in cold blood. When had he transformed into a killer Andrew never saw coming.

Without a waver in those blue eyes, bloody hands that kept hitting the body - until the body beneath wasn't moving - hadn't been for who knows for how long.

But Neil didn't stop the attack. No he keeps going with it. Coloring himself with the redness.

“She's already dead!” He tells Neil, who is covered in sticky red as he keeps hitting the unmoving corpse. Andrew can tell Neil is shaking from rage or fury maybe it's the adrenaline he's feeling? He doesn't know, he can't tell the emotions apart anymore.

What he knows is that there's three soon to be dead bodies if not already.

 And a man who bathed in their blood.

“Neil what did you do!” Someone’s voice shrieks from their back. “She's already dead.” he repeats. 

Those bloody hands pause with each tremble, scanning the surroundings like a moment ago he wasn't really here with them, Neil looks at the body in front of him, to his hands, to the knife he is holding too tightly and then the other two bodies not too far away. 

it's like he’s wondering… did he really do that? Surprise of some kind, as if asking himself did he really succeed?

But the rage didn't leave those eyes. Neil wasn't done, whatever his mission was, wasn't finished yet. Because those same old eyes remained sharp as the blade that had cut too deep.

 Andrew was about to get closer until the police showed up. “Police! Everyone, freeze!” cops come running in, pointing guns at them. “Hands up, drop the weapon!” an officer commands when he sees Neil with the dripping knife.

“Who made the call!?” the other one asks, looking at the others. “I- I did.” Abby says, voice shaking, and Andrew sees the realization cross on Neil's face the exact moment he realized that she was the one that called them here. 

Neil doesn't look hurt whatsoever, he looks like he understands. That he can't do anything about it now. Like he wants to laugh that awful laugh again when nothing is actually funny, it's just the only way to react.

Neil shrugs looking over his shoulder to the cop who was yelling at him to drop the weapon. The other cop joins in shouting for Neil to get on the ground. “You stay back.” the cop tells Andrew when he was about to do something very stupid.

Aaron yanks him, “Put the knife away, quick!” Aaron whispers at him angrily but the poor bastard looks scared shitless making the mistake to hold onto Andrew's shoulder. He glares at Aaron from getting so close and putting his hand on him, swiping the knife in his hand inside the band.

A clatter of metal hits the floor and Neil is lowering down. “Kid-” Wymack says, uncertain, like he wants to help but doesn't know how to. 

Not this time.

“It's fine everyone.” Neil pulls his hands behind his head, The cop quickly makes his way to pin him down on the ground roughly, “Neil Josten, you're under arrest, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be used in a court of law.” They handcuff him. 

“Now you have to come with us, do you understand!?” the cop says serious.

Josten laughs even in this situation and it makes Andrew's blood boil the way Neil's breathing begins ragged just the way it did in the bus when he woke up.

“Something funny after you killed three people?” the officer yanks Neil standing. That's what Andrew would like to know too, when had the scared rabbit turned to a murderer without him noticing anything, or was he always a time ticking bomb that he only now noticed throughly.

Or was there something else?

“They deserved it.'' Andrew heard the whisper. 

they 

Did Neil know the people he killed, were they a threat, that's why he did it? Were they going to hurt him, them, if Neil didn't do what he did? Or was it all a coincidence, had he finally snapped?

 “Tell that to the court.” The cop says taking Neil away from them and Andrew lets it happen, their deal was done and Neil had caused this to himself and Andrew had people to protect.

The cops ask them what happened before they leave. Andrew stays dead silent while the others explain some of it. The cop keeps acting like Neil is a murderous predator that would have done it sooner or later, like there was nothing they would have done to avoid it blah blah, like he knows it all.

“You can’t help people like them.” the cop says. “They’re sick in the head, you know.”

“Neil wouldn't just-” he’s being interrupted.  “Wouldn't just kill three people without a reason?” the cops accuse. 

“Yes." he snaps at the cop glaring at him. “Neil would not have done that if it wasn't life or death, he isn't stupid.” he wouldn't just snap…

But could Andrew be sure? 

After all, did he really know the man?

Or did he just think he did, between the truths and lies the other had exchanged with him. The rooftop conversations with cigarettes and kisses in between.

He thought he did.

but Neil had seemed he knew what he was doing, he had meant to kill them.

Was this the reason Josten had broken the deal, he knew there was a fight coming his way. ‘Let me fight for myself–’ Andrew remembered Neil saying with a martyr-like face that screamed trouble, he had just not been paying enough attention.

But why didn't he tell Andrew?

Was this his way of martyring himself again, if so, he hated the idiotic self sacrificing piece of shit liar with all his heart. With all his heart…

Who knew what was real and what wasn’t.

The police left them with all these questions that they realized they didn't know much about their striker. 

Instead of Kevin Day…Kevin looked like he knew something, it's displayed on his face, saying it all, that there's information Andrew isn't aware of. Kevin has this shaken and nauseous look like he saw a whisk of an old monster. 

It piqued his curiosity.

“oh, don't hold yourself back, come on and go on with it if you know something.” Andrew says to the man. Kevin shakes his head, “Who were they?” Do you know them? Another shake of a head.

“Are you sure?” Kevin stops, staring ahead. “Don’t make me ask again.”

“Must’ve been his people…to get Neil to him.” 

“To who?” Whose people? 

“His father’s” Kevin mumbles through his teeth.

“his father?” Andrew asks, fist tightening. His father, that was supposedly dead?! His father??

“Yes.” Kevin confirms the inevitable.

And it becomes clear.

Another lie, another fucking lie. Another goddamn piece on the never ending mystery that was Neil Josten, and just perhaps, he was just another part of the lie too. A broken puzzle that would never reveal itself.

Because did the liar ever speak the truth, did he even know how to?

Was anything true?

Some of it had to be, right?

Or was it really all a pipe dream, too good to be true, too good to exist, too good for someone like him. Lips curled up into an ironic smile as he thought about it. 

It must’ve been.

A pipe dream of a mysterious redhead who turned out to be nothing else than a liar who didn't know how to tell a single truth.

That all it was, false hope of a chance. 

A fantasy where he wanted something, of an even exchange, an equal.

Fool’s paradise that didn't exist.