Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

This was an absolutely stupid idea.

But absolutely necessary.

At least that’s what he told himself as he skittered from his hiding spot to the corpse.

A quick look proved he was dead and he dug through the pockets.

Nothing.
Jack Shit.
Nada.
Zero.

He swore at himself and skittered for cover.

He was certain the Angels wouldn’t target him: they only went after the sinners, but anyone else with the same idea as him was fair game.

He saw another body and scampered towards it.

“Oh come on!”

He groaned as he realized the body had been torn in half.

“Christ on a stick, you couldn’t have left it in one piece? Now his pockets are full of random ass parts of him and no one wants to dig thr-“

“You gonna eat that?”

He jumped at the voice: a grey-skinned man in worn out clothes, large black eyes and a mouth full of sharp teeth.

“All yours, creep.”

“Thanks bub,”

Cannibals. He hated Cannibal Town.

——

Stupid fucking stupid idea that was stupid.

He berated himself as he skittered to his next hiding spot.

The whole thing was a goddamn bust.

Why was he doing this?
Because he needed shit.

Money, clothes, ammo, weapons, anything he could scrape up and salvage from the dead sinners.

All he had gotten so far was a pair of pants and chased by another cannibal.

The dumb fucking Exorcist left their weapons behind, but no way he was touching those.

Angelic Weapons?

Everyone knew Carmilla Carmine had the market on that.
Last thing he needed was getting onto an Overlord’s shit list.

He liked his ass how it was and where it was.

Which is why he was stuck in damn alleyway, di-

There was a body.

Seemed intact, facedown, two back wounds.

Jackpot.

Intact dead Sinner, didn’t look like anyone else had gotten to her yet.
So she surely had something on her and then he could leave it to the cannibals.

He flipped her over and-

“Christ on a stick, she’s alive.”

Blood all over her face. Shallow breathing.

Lucky bitch must have managed to get away from the Exorcist.

So now all he had to do was dig through her pockets, take what he wanted, and leave her for whoever found her after that.

Nothing bad could happen to her.

Just alone in the alleyway.

Just…..
…..
…..

“Ah, fuck it.”

——
.
She heard their laughter.

The last words they spoke to her.

She woke up with a start.
A dream.
It had been a dream.
She…

Searing pain. On her back.
From her eye.

She gingerly touched her back and felt bandages and padding.
She touched where her eye was.
More padding and bandages.

She glanced around her:
A dirty couch.
Trash everywhere.
A patched up, beaten blanket covering her and an oversized, shirt with tears and bloodstains.

“Holy shit, didn’t think you’d wake up this early.”

She glanced towards the door: an imp with huge striped horns, a large white mark on his face, a black jacket and a pile of towels in her hand.

She yelped and leapt off of the sofa, her hand went behind her to grab her-

She hit the floor as her legs gave out from under her.

“Oh, great. Now you can bleed on the trash.”

The imp rolled his eyes and used his tail to knock more trash off of a table and placed the towels in the empty space.

“Christ on a stick, this is what I get for helping Sinners.”

“What?”

“That’s what you are, huh? Who else are those spear wielding assholes going to leave half-dead in an alleyway?”

With a grunt and a groan, the two managed to get her back on to the couch.

“Seriously, you got lucky. Surprised those assholes only tore out an eye and stabbed you in the back.”

“…yeah.”

“Name’s Blitzo, the O is silent.”

She frowned.

“There’s no O in Blitz.”

“See, you get it.”

He picked up and dropped the towels on her.

“They’re mostly clean, just try not to bleed out on my couch.”

She watched him as he went to the kitchen and opened the refrigerator.

“Beer? It tastes like shit, and probably is.”

“I’ll pass.”

Blitzo shrugged, “more for me.”

He bit off the top of the bottle and gulped it down.

“What’s your name?”

“….Vaggie.”

“What, like Vagina?” He laughed.
“Your sisters named Tits McTittyfuck and Assholina? Brothers named Erectus and Scrotus?”

“The guy who named me was an asshole.”

Blitzo paused and chucked the empty bottle away.

“…yeah, I know a thing or two about asshole parents.”

——

“Oh Charlie! Daddy’s got a surprise for you!”

The Princess of Hell groaned and got off of her bed.

It had been a few months since her mother had vanished, and her father had been trying to fill the gap with one obsession after another.

First it had been crepes.
Then Apple Pie.
Then it was Rock Music.

Charlie didn’t realize just how many songs had been written about her father, but she promised herself that if she ever heard another song by Elvis, The Rolling Stones, Aerosmith or any of the other artists her father had sung, she would scream.

Now his obsession was showering her in gifts.

“What is it, Da…-d?”

She stared dumbstruck at the scene in front of her.

Lucifer awkwardly held up a grey furred Hellhound girl in front of him. She was clearly taller than him, resulting in her feet awkwardly on the floor. Her arms were crossed across her chest and she had a scowl on her face.

Silence reigned.

“I know it’s been lonely lately, so I got you a puppy!”

The Hellhound growled.

“Or a sister!”

Lucifer paused in thought.

“You know, it’s not really clear what Hellhounds count as. Well, she’s whatever you want her to be.”

Lucifer let go, and the Hellhound awkwardly fell to the floor.

“Anyway, her name is Loona, she’s got all her shots and is house broken! You two have fun!”

With that, he vanished.

“Well that was fucking weird,” Loona grumbled as she got back to her feet.

“You have no idea,” Charlie sighed, “Are you ok?”

“Fine. Weirded out.”

Charlie paused.

“You don’t have to do this,”

“I don’t have much of a choice.”

“We could just end the contract and you can just head back whe…”

Charlie trailed off as she saw the flash of horror and fear on Loona’s face.

“I’m not going back to the fucking orphanage.”

“…wait, how old are you?”

“Young enough.” Loona stated defensively.

“…you want to just stay here then? We can be friends at least. Just on your terms.”

“Fine. Just remember, I’m not your fucking dog.”

“Great! Let me show you around!”

Chapter Text

It had been two weeks since Vaggie had moved in and Blitzo was still not sure what to make of her.

He had offered her the bedroom, but she just stayed on the sofa.
She didn’t say much about what she had done before he found her, but he just figured that was because there wasn’t much to say.

Sinners were a dime a dozen and their stories were basically all the same anyway.

She had refused to go to a doctor about her injuries, but it was clear that the wounds had healed up nicely.

She kind of just…existed in his apartment.

She had no hobbies, no weird sex shit, no collecting weird horse dolls, failed relationships or…

Wait, that was him.

All she really did was clean, cook, swear at him in a gibberish language he didn’t recognize, and lay on the sofa at night and cry.

That he awkwardly pretended he didn’t hear.

So he figured the best way to cheer her up was with a Bring Your Sortof-kindof adopted daughter to work day!

——

“Now stay in the car, and be ready to pull out at any moment, you got the basics, you’ll be fine.”

“….what exactly was your job again?”

“Eh, Murders and Assassinations.” Blitzo shrugged.

“…what?”

“It’s Hell, everyone wants someone dead. Just keep an eye out for me and everything will be fine. Then we get paid and I can get a new toy horse.”

“You need food, all you have is canned crap.”

“And that crap keeps us fed! Now I’ll be back, keep an eye on everything, Sweetie.
It’s an easy job, I’ll be back soon.”

With that Blitzo slipped out the door and vanished.

“…Idiota.”

Vaggie got out of the car and followed.

——

It was not an easy job.

He got the target, but the muscle was still after him.
Big guys: Hellhounds, Sharks, the usual and not one he wanted to take down himself.

He also realized far too late that he had ran the wrong way.

“Well…shit.”

Blitzo came to a skidding stop as one of them shot out of an alleyway and cut off his path.

To his left, another appeared and forced him to flee to the right….

Only for someone else to cut off the route.

And he knew someone was behind him.

“Well, fuck me sideways, this-“

He was cut off as a blade and a shower of blood exploded out of the chest of the Hellhound in front of him. Something withdrew the blade and with another slash, the Hellhound’s head flopped to the ground.

“PUTO CABRON!”

Vaggie shot out from behind the decapitated body and grabbed Blitzo by the collar. She hoisted him over her shoulder and fled.

“Hey! I said wait in the car, Vagina.”

“If I did you would be dead, asshole.”

“Where the fuck did you even get a spear? You had this the whole time?”

Blitzo awkwardly reloaded the flintlock and fired off another shot.

“What did you do?” Vaggie demanded.

“I killed the guy, but now the rest of his gang wants me dead. Not the first time.”

“Hijo de puta….” Vaggie muttered to herself as she came to a stop.

“Dead end?” Blitzo asked as he reloaded.

“Dead end. How many behind me?”

“I count at least six.”

“Weapons?”

“Two of them are reaching into their jackets.”

“…alright then.”

Vaggie tossed Blitzo to the side and pulled out her spear.

“Seriously, where are you keeping that? Is that what they mean when they say “got a stick up your ass”?”

Without another word, Vaggie lunged at the first henchman and ran him through. She quickly yanked it back out and dodged the next henchman’s next clumsy attack. With a quick thrust, she decapitated him.

“Watch the gun!”

Vaggie glanced up as one of the Henchmen jammed his hand in his jacket and began to pull it out. With a quick slash, his arm went flying and the gun soared towards her. She snatched it out of the air and looked down at it:

A sawed-off over-under shotgun.

“You know how to use that, right?”

“I never used one before!”

Blitzo blinked.

“What the fuck, Vag, you never used a gun before?”

“We’ll talk about this later!”

She chucked it at Blitzo and jabbed her spear into the now-armless henchman. The gun smacked Blitzo in the face.

“Fuck! My eye!” Blitzo swore.

She dodged the next one and slashed open his belly with one swipe. With the next she slashed his throat, nearly decapitating him. The fifth one yanked his gun out of his jacket and fired. With another swipe of her spear, she redirected it back at him and nailed him between his eyes.

The sixth one opened fire and knocked the spear out of Vaggie’s hands.

“Vaggie!”

Blitzo held up the shotgun and hurled it back at her.

“Point the barrel at him and pull the trigger! Don’t miss!”

She snatched it out of the air and aimed. With a pull of the trigger, the gun roared and blew off the head of the last henchman.

Vaggie stared wide eyed at the hole and looked down at the gun.

“Now I see why Adam didn’t want any of us using these,” she muttered to herself.

“Nice shot Vags, that really the first time you used a gun?”

Vaggie grabbed Blitzo, her spear and high tailed it out of the alley.

“Do you even know where the car is?” Blitzo asked.

“Shut the fuck up,”

“No seriously, you never used a gun before? What the fuck.”

“I just never needed on before,”

“So they taught you how to fight with a spear, but no one thought about giving you a gun? What kind of backasswards dark ages bullshit training did you get?”

“I don’t want to talk about it. There, see? There’s the car,”

Vaggie chucked Blitzo in the backseat and got into the driver's seat.

“Wait, do you know how to fucking drive?”

“Like this.”

The car roared to life. Vaggie put it into gear and floored it.

The car shot backwards and crashed into another car behind it.

Vaggie paused, mortified.

“Great fucking job, Vagina,”

Blitzo scrambled into the driver’s seat and awkwardly sat in her lap.

“Christ on a Stick, I have so much shit to teach you,”

——

“…and that’s the plans for the Happy Hotel!”

Charlie beamed at the unenthused Hellhound.

“What do you think?”

“….You gotta be fucking kidding me, you just want to make things better for them?”

“They’re the ones getting killed!”

“They’re the ones in charge up here since your dad fucked off to whatever he’s doing!” Loona barked back.

“Sinners are the only ones targeted by the Angels! The rest of the Hellborn are safe!”

“You remember who you’re talking to right?”

Loona tugged at the collar around her neck.

“The Pet? So low on Hell’s hierarchy that those poor unfortunate sinners can literally buy and own me.”

Charlie grew uncomfortable as Loona growled.

“Loona, I’m sorry. I…”

“Forgot?”

Charlie looked down ashamed.

“Yeah. I just…I don’t think of you like a Hellhound.”

Charlie looked back up, flustered.

“I mean, it’s not like I don’t think you’re a Hellhound, I just think you’re not like other Hellhounds! Normal Hellhounds!”

Charlie winced again.

“I didn’t mean it like that! I-“

“You forgot that everyone else isn’t in my situation.”

“Yeah.”

Charlie went over the couch and slumped over.

“I’m sorry, I screwed up.”

Loona stood there for a moment.
After a pause, she huffed and sat next to Charlie.

“Look. I get that you want to help Sinners. Fine. Just don’t forget it’s more than just them down here.”

“Yeah, but they can’t get into heaven,” Charlie paused and thought.
“At least, I don’t think they can.”

“Look, I’ll help you, bu-“

Loona was cut off as Charlie embraced her. The hellhound winced slightly at the embrace.

“I knew you would! Thank you, thank you, tha-“

“But on one condition. I’m your number two.”

“I mean, yeah, you were always going to be that.”

“You know sinners won’t be happy about that, right?”

“It’ll be part of their rehabilitation! Overcoming discrimination and accepting people from all walks of life and different hierarchies!”

“….this plan is doomed to fail.”

Chapter Text

“M&M, GET IN HERE. WE’RE GOING TO LOO LOO LAND!” Blitzo barked into the megaphone.

A moment later his door opened and Moxxie looked in.

“Loo Loo Land?” He asked, confused.

A moment later, Millie smashed her head through the glass on the door.

“LOO LOO LAND?!?”

The door opened more as Vaggie peeked into the room. She wore a black suit similar to the one Blitzo wore.

“What’s a Loo Loo Land?” She asked.

Millie fell through the glass and got back up, a shard sticking out of her forehead.

“Ya never been ta Loo Loo Land?!?!”

“You…you have a glass sticking out of your face,” Vaggie stated, dumbfounded.

Millie yanked the shard out and tossed it away as a fountain of blood erupted and splattered everyone by the door.

“Yer parents never took ya ta Loo Loo Land?” Millie asked again.

“Let’s just say the guy who raised me…didn’t really do theme parks.”

“Well, that settles it, everyone’s going to Loo Loo Land! Vags, get the van, we have to pick up our VIPWBAHD!”

Everyone stared at Blitzo, awaiting an explanation.

“Very Important Person With Benefits And His Daughter?”

“How are we supposed to know what you mean when you just make up acronyms like that?” Moxxie asked.

“Car, guns, now!”

——

Octavia hated it.

The awkward silence as they tried to ignore the screaming and smashing in the house as her mother continued her rampage.

The musty smell of the Loo Loo Land novelty hat and T-shirt her father was wearing.
(She was absolutely certain it had to be from when she was seven. That was the only time she could remember him buying something like that.)

Hated that she was apparently going to be stuck with the Imp her father had a new sexual relationship with.

Hated the mental image of her father having sex with anything.

Hated the fact they were going to Loo Loo Land.

Hated that she was stuck waiting for all of this to happen.

Hated
Hated.

Hated.

She stared as a van with a ridiculous decal on the side pulled up.

After it came to a stop, the front passenger door opened and a sharp dressed woman in a suit stepped out.

Too tall to be an imp, and her skin was an odd greyish color.
Grey-whitish hair with purple tips, tied back and away from her face.
Sunglasses hid her eyes, but she could see the strap of an eyepatch peek out from behind her left lense. A red X was painted over the lense, rendering it useless.

Octavia thought she felt her heart skip a beat.

“Prince Stolas?”

“Oh, you must be one of Blitzy’s coworkers..” Stolas chuckled awkwardly, “I don’t think he mentioned anyone else would be coming.”

“My name is Vaggie, I’ll be part of you security detail today. I-“

“Is Blitzy here?”

“I’m driving, bitch.” Blitzo’s voice called out.

“Right, the van is going to be a bit of a tight fit….” Vaggie trailed off, “might want to take off your hat.”

With that, she opened the van door and gestured for them to get in.

“You wanna ride in front, uh…?” Vaggie trailed off.
“Sorry, I don’t think I got your name?”

“Octavia. I’m ok with the back.”

“Alright then,”

“You first, Via,” Stolas pulled the hat off of his head and gestured.

Maybe today wasn’t going to be that bad.

——

Vaggie had no clue what she was looking at.

Dilapidated, run down, threadbare booths, the constant groan and creak of metal on metal, the occasional snap of rotted wood….

The only thing that seemed to be in good shape were the food and souvenir booths, and even then she wasn’t sure if she trusted them.

There seemed to be happy imp family and other Hellborn, though so tha-

“Did…did that sign just fall on someone?” She asked out loud.

“That jus’ reminds me ah old times! Wasn’t a good day at Loo Loo Land unless someone died!” Millie cheerily replied.

Octavia groaned.

“This is ridiculous,”

“Look! It’s Big Woobly!”

Millie pointed at a rusted, twisted and malformed animatronic of what appeared to be a dinosaur in a t-shirt. Its head was twisted around as the hat remained stuck to its upside head and the cloth sagged.

It let out a horrendous, demonic scream as Moxxie and Vaggie stared back at it dumbfounded.

“That is…Deeply Unsettling.” Moxxie flinched.

“I want to kill it,” Vaggie stated, “I don’t know why, but I do not want it to live.”

Millie gasped.

“Y’can’t kill Big Woobly! He’s an icon of th’ park! Almost as big as-“

“Well, hey there!”

Moxxie shrieked as an apple mascot appeared behind him.

“I’m Loo Loo! welcome ta-FUCKING HELL!”

Loo Loo screamed and scampered back as Vaggie thrusted her spear at him.

“Lady, I’m just doing my job! Fuck!”

“Sorry, sorry…I’m…I’m just going to go that way.”

Vaggie wandered off as the others watched.

“What’s her fucking problem?” Loo Loo asked.

“A lot.”

——

She still didn’t understand it.

The rides seemed ill-conceived and more likely to mangle and injure the riders that work.

Game booths seemed rigged and had prizes of uncertain quality and questionable authenticity.

More costumed mascots appeared and she had punched someone dressed as a frog.
Fortunately, she apparently knocked them out, and ran off before anyone noticed anything.

There wasn’t anything in Heaven that was like this.

Sure, there was the Gardens theme park, but she and the other Exorcist didn’t really go there.
She went once as part of an ill-conceived Team Building exercise when Adam was taking a breather and left Gundra in charge.

It was…difficult to describe how she felt about that. For the most part, everyone really just did their own thing during the Exterminations and teamwork wasn’t really something they used.

Sure, some of them had competitions over who could get the most Sinners over all, or who could get a particular one first.
Part of her was still thrilled and proud that she was the one to have killed Ivan the Terrible, James Cook and Jesse James, though.
The other part of her regretted it.

But then again, she killed the Hellborn now, which she didn’t have a problem with.
Which puzzled her.

Maybe it’s because they were already in Hell, and she generally only went after the worst of the worse.
Like today, she was supposed to protect Prince Stolas and Octavia, so anyone targeting them should be fair game.

She noticed that the two royals had made their way to a tent and entered, Blitzo not far behind.

She glanced at the sign.

“FizzaRolli N Friends?”

She glanced back at the entrance as an Imp mother struggled to drag two screaming children into the tent.

“…it’s either going to be a disaster or fun.”

She entered the tent, took a seat in the back row and glanced around:

A handful of adults, children and near the front row, Stolas and Octavia.

The lights dimmed and a robotic imp clown appeared from behind the curtains.

“HEY HEY HEY HEY HEYYYY IMPLINGS!”

Vaggie was once again overwhelmed by the need to kill the animatronic monstrosity in front of her.

“H-H-H-h-Hit it!”

Music began to play as the curtains opened and revealed an animatronic band:

The malformed dinosaur that Millie had called Big Wobbly.
A two headed bear like thing with a set of disturbingly sexual mouths.
Some sort of melting dog.
And the frog she had punched earlier.

She took a deep breath.

“There are children here, don’t shoot,” she muttered to herself.

“The hell are you doing here, Vags?” Blitzo appeared next to her, rifle in hand.

“Watching the show?”

“Please, it’s nothing but an overrated, malfunctioning asshole with a bunch of rejected animatronics that haven’t been serviced since I worked here.”

“…you worked here?”

“Long story.”

The two sat there and watched for a bit.

“….I just have an overwhelming desire to shoot that thing in the face.”

“The clown? Me too.”

“No, the frog. And the bear.”

Vaggie paused.

“And the dinosaur.”

She paused again.

“I think I just want to shoot all of the animatronics.”

“Knock yourself out, it would make it more entertaining.”

“There’s kids watching.”

“Fuck them kids,”

Stolas and a few of the children applauded as the robot clown finished his song.

An imp with a knife popped out from the seats behind Stolas.

“I got it,” both of them said at the same time.

Vaggie and Blitzo pulled out their guns and fired. The imp’s entire upper torso disintegrated. The crowd screamed and many of them fled.

“I had it,” Blitzo grumbled.

“I hit it first.”

“I can’t do this any more!”

Octavia stormed off as Stolas got up and followed.

“Mua hahahahaha hoho oh! Is that Bl-Blitzo my sensors spot up there?”

“Sweetie, you go watch the two, I got a clown to kill.”

“….seriously?”

“Just go and let me fuck this asshole.”

With an eye roll, Vaggie got up and headed to the entrance.
She paused, turned around and fired a shot at the frog animatronic. It exploded and left broken parts, oil and flaming debris all over the stage.

“Creepy ass looking frog,” Vaggie stated as she popped her shotgun open. The spent shells shot out and she quickly reloaded before running off.

—-

Stolas entered the fun house and glanced around.

“Octavia?”

An imp leapt through the air and found himself skewered on a spear.

Stolas turned around to see Vaggie twist the spear and bisect the imp.

“Where’s Blitzy?”

“He has a grudge with the robot clown.”

“…what?”

Vaggie shrugged. She hurled her spear towards Stolas and pinned another imp to the wall.

“You better talk to her. I’ve got you both.”

“Thank you.”

Stolas vanished into the fun house as Vaggie walked over and pulled her spear out of the wall.

“Right, last chance for any of you to back out.”

Vaggie twirled her spear and looked at the growing group of imps at the entrance to the fun house.

“No takers?
Good.”

The first imp lunged, only for her to decapitate him with a single swipe. A quick step and thrust skewered the next two and she swung the whole mess as a club to crush another imp against the wall. She planted a foot on the impaled imp and moved to yank the spear back out.

Another imp pulled out a handgun and aimed, only to be blown away as Vaggie fired her shotgun at him. She switched barrels and fired again as she yanked her spear out of the corpses. With a well practiced move, she ejected the spent shells and reloaded.

“This is the most fun I’ve had all day!”

She swung her spear and decapitated the next imp. Another imp shoved his companion into Vaggie and made a run for it. The sudden impact knocked her sunglasses off and they fell to the ground and broke. Vaggie spun around, drove her spear into the unlucky imp, and then fired her shotgun at the fleeing imp, and obliterated his torso.

The last imp dropped his weapons and meekly held up his hands in surrender.

“….fine, get out of here.”

Vaggie turned around, shotgun draped on her shoulder. The imp grinned and began to pull out another weapon, only for his head to explode.

“…Should have run,” Vaggie shook her head as she reloaded.

She looked up to see Stolas walking out with Octavia in his arms. He glanced up at her.

With a nod, Vaggie headed out ahead of them and into the pandemonium of the park: nearly everything was on fire, Moxxie rode on the back of a dragon, as Millie opened fire at the burning robotic skeleton.

“…they’ve got it,”

Stolas passed Vaggie, and she followed the two. Something caught Vaggie’s eye: a pair of novelty sunglasses with apple-shaped lenses.

“…ok, they’re kind of cute.”

She picked them up and put them on as the booth was engulfed in flames. At another booth she picked up a bizarre looking stuffed animal that looked like nothing in particular.

“So, what would you like to do now?” Stolas asked.

“Oh, can we go to Stylish Occult? They have weird taxidermy there.”

“Mmmm okay?”

“Thanks dad, sometimes you’re ok,”

“Thank you, Via, Thank you.”

Something behind them exploded, and three smoking, screaming bodies landed in front of the trio. Vaggie dropped the stuffed thing and yanked out her spear again.

“Prince Stolas, behind me!”

Vaggie approached the smoking heaps and prodded one with the tip of her spear.
Moxxie groaned and looked up.

“Way to ruin another good thing, sir.”

“That slutty toy clown had it coming!”

Blitzo rolled over and noticed Vaggie.

“Heeeey Vags, how did you like Loo Loo Land?”

“Eh,” Vaggie shrugged and chucked her spear at the creature that tried to drag Millie’s body away.

“It wasn’t that bad.”

Chapter Text

“Hold on! You’re going to move that pussy wagon or I’m gonna-“

A tall muscular Hellhound appeared behind Blitzo.

“You’ll wha-“

Before he could finish that sentence, Vaggie appeared in front of him, spear tip at his throat.

“No te muevas, Cabron,” Vaggie threatened.

The Hellhound only growled in response.

“Vags, just back off. No point making little Miss pop star more pissy because we killed her lapdog.”

With a reluctant nod, Vaggie withdrew her spear.

“Ta-ta, Fuck Stain.”

The succubus and Hellhound left.

“Argh, I wasted so much time with a bag of holes like that.”

“You dated Verosika Mayday?” Mille asked as she popped out of the van.

“Is…is she important?” Vaggie asked.

“She’s a fuckin pop star! Wunna th’ biggest in Hell! How do you not know that!”

Vaggie shrugged, “never really was into pop music.”

“Fair,” Moxxie stated as he popped out of the van, “did you date her before or after she became famous?”

“I didn’t know you dated,” Vaggie added.

“Why the hell are you all acting so shocked?”

“Uh, duh, Pop Star?”

“I just want to know…is..is she blind? Perhaps she had brain damage?”

“It’s you.” Vaggie stated bluntly.

“Alright, you are all making a big fucking deal out of this. I don’t go prying into you-“

“You totally do,” Vaggie cut him off, “you spent all of last Friday spying on them when they were trying to have dinner.”

“That was you!”

“Big fucking deal, I do that all the time!”

An awkward silence fell over the group.

“What was sex with her like?” Millie asked.

“I kind of want to know too,”

“Everybody shut the fuck up. Vags, go find someplace to park the van.”

——-

Somewhere to park the van was nearly a block away, and she had to kill two imps who thought it was going to be an easy mark along the way.

She-
She bumped into someone and fell over.

“Sorry!”

She took a moment to dust herself off and found an offered hand.

More of a paw.

Vaggie looked up: the hellhound that had been with Verosika. He smiled, at least she hoped it was a smile.

“Sorry, wasn’t paying attention to where I was going,” he apologized.

After a moment his expression changed to something Vaggie caught on to:

Recognition.

“You’re the one with the spear.”

“…yeah.”

“Look, just wanna make it clear, whatever issue my boss got with your boss is on them.
Not going to lie, scary as fuck to see you come out of nowhere with that thing, but you’re just doing your job.”

“…yeah?”

“So, with all that said, I’m off the clock and getting lunch. Not getting into any shit now.”

“Fair.”

Vaggie took the offered hand and got back to her feet.

“Name’s Vortex, by the way. You still on the clock?”

“Eh, it’s pretty…lax. I’m Vaggie.”

“Wanna grab some lunch?”

“Sure. I’ll pay, it’s the least I can do.”

——

“…so let me get this right.
He’s your boss…and your dad?”

“Only in his mind. He’s more like a…” Vaggie trailed off.

“More like a friend?”

“Colleague,” Vaggie paused, “I…I don’t have that many friends.”

“…huh. I dunno, you seem pretty nice.”

“Well-“

Vaggie glanced past Vortex and noticed them: a pissed off Blitzo with an unconscious Moxxie over his shoulder, and a barely restrained Millie gnawing on his arm.

“….what the fuck,”

“Your boss is behind me?”

“Yep.”

“One of your coworkers unconscious and covered in lipstick?”

“Yep.”

“Other one is foaming at the mouth?”

“LEMME GO! I’M JUS’ GONNA RIP HER HEAD OFF AN’ SHIT DOWN HER NECK FER WHAT SHE DID TA MAH HUSBAND!”

“Yep.”

Vortex sighed.

“Great, they pissed her off. I better get back to work, been nice talking to you, Vaggie.”

“Yeah, you too.”

“C’Mon, Vagina, we got shit to do,” Blitzo yelled.

With an apologetic nod, Vaggie got up and left. The group continued their way down the street to the van.

“Do I want to know?”

“That slut took my goddamn office space too! Moxxie tried to talk to them, but you know how succubi are.”

“LET GO OF ME!”

“So now Millie wants to kill them. But now I got work for us. All we have to do is kill more people than she and her gang of holes can fuck, and we get out parking space back.”

“….this is still over that?”

“That is fucking important!”

Blitzo shifted his position and pointed a finger at her. Moxxie fell from his shoulder and landed on the ground with a flumph.

“…ow.”

“Pick up the big baby, I told him to make sure he guarded his holes.”

“AIN’T NOBODY ELSE SAPPOSED TA SHOVE ANYTHING UP HIS ASS BUT ME!”

“Hah! I knew she pegged you!”

Vaggie gently worked the butt of her spear under Moxxie’s body and lifted him up.

“I don’t want to know, don’t need to know, but I am not letting him touch me until after he showers.
A lot.”

——

“Do you have any questions?”

Blitzo tossed the pointer out of the window.

“What kind of stupid plan is that?”

“Vags, please, I know exactly what I’m doing here.”

“That was not a plan!” Moxxie countered.

“That is not a question!”

“All you have here is kill people, how do you even know who to kill?” Vaggie paused, “and what do you even need a boat for?”

“I put these little babies out.”

Blitzo held out a poorly drawn, poorly spelt and incoherent poster.

“….who’s Trundle?” Millie asked.

“…shit, wrong side.”

Blitzo flipped it around, revealing an equally incoherent poster.

“Fifty percent off! We can make up the difference in pure numbers! Vags, I know you have some Satan awful standards, so I’m giving you all the shitbags that really need to die.”

“Fair, but I keep everything from those orders.”

Blitzo rolled his eyes, “fine, whatever.”

“Sir…there is no way this is going to work! There is no way we’re going to get enough clients in one day thanks to this incoherent flyer!”

“There’s a line stretching out around the block,” Vaggie stated as she looked out the window.

“Fucking called it,” Blitzo smugly replied.

“Oh crumbs.”

——

Scott was having the time of his life.
Sun, water, beer, babes, and right now he had his eyes set on a cutie.

Cute smile. Glasses. Her curly hair hid one of her eyes, but that only added to her charm.

Not exactly his type, but an easy mark.

He had made sure she, (he forgot her name already, it was something like Rosa? Rose? Mira? Something) was getting her drink on and once she seemed tipsy enough…

Well, that time was now.

“Babe, c’mon, you had enough.”

“Whaaat? No, no, no, I’m still good.”

She got to her feet and stumbled a bit. He swept in and helped her stay upright.

“I think someone needs to head back to their place for a lie down.”

“No, no, I’m still…”

She trailed off as the two stumbled off of the beach and down the road. At this point, he was basically dragging her.

Easy prey.

With a quick glance, Scott knew he had his chance and brought her into a side alley.

“Just take it easy and w-“

Something sharp sliced against his throat. Blood shot out as he glanced over at the Rosa. A blade was in her open hand, and she glared at him, fully alert.

His only reaction was a gurgle.

She stepped away as he collapsed to the ground, vainly trying to hold the wound shut.

Rosa stood above him and held a spear in her hand.

“Easy prey.”

With that, Vaggie jabbed him in the back of the head with her spear.

She disliked using her human disguise, it… didn’t feel like who she was.
It did give her more utility compared to the others who…

….wait, Imps didn’t have magic and couldn’t make disguises.
She had forgotten, they hadn’t learned too much about the Hellborn when they were training her.

She quietly dragged the body behind the dumpster and left it in a pile of others.

It was an awkward paradox for her.

She fell, or was kicked out, however you thought of it, because she had refused to kill a Sinner.
Yet here she was on Earth, killing humans and sending them down to Hell to become sinners.

Sinners that she knew would be slaughtered by her former colleagues.

At first she had refused.
But the incident with the Cannibal family, murderers, rapist, and other people who were definitely going to end up as Sinners regardless of who killed them had made her change her mind.

Sometimes people deserved to die, and the absolute worst of the worst deserved it.

She had heard that Princess Morningstar had tried to open some sort of Sinner Rehabilitation program, but it had been laughed off by absolutely everyone.

Not her.
Well, mostly not her. She thought the name Happy Hotel was stupid.
But the idea of it was something she could get behind, no matter how much of a long shot it was.

She had never heard of a sinner being accepted into Heaven because they tried to atone, but maybe that fleeting hope was better than nothing.

She had finally figured out justified it to herself:
She would only kill the absolute worst of the worst, the real bad guys and monsters.
When they went to Hell, it was up to them to try and change.

They had the opportunity at the Princess’s hotel and it was up to them after that.

It still left a sour taste in her mouth, but it was something she could stomach.

With a gesture, the blood that had gotten on her vanished and she stepped back out into the crowd.

Humans were…stupid.

Like, unbelievably so.
Like-

Vaggie’s thoughts were interrupted as she got caught up in a crowd of people as they made their way to a music stage. A brown-skinned woman was on stage and gave the crowd a predatory grin.

“Verosika,”

“Pack your bags/
Sun’s out/
Take a vacay, babe/
Take it straight to Bonetown/”

It was hypnotic.

She was beautiful.
Like, inhumanly so.
She could understand why someone like Blitzo would fall in love with her.

Vaggie began to make her way to the stage, ignoring the screams, making out, nudity and sex in the crowd.

A screaming woman got in her face, only for Vaggie to backhand her away with enough force to snap her neck.

Not that anyone in the crowd noticed.

A shirtless man with Verosika’s name crudely written on her chest bumped into him in his rush to get to the stage.

Vaggie punched him hard.

——

“And another one’s down,” Moxxie ejected a shell from his rifle.

“N-“

He was cut off as something smacked into him: a severed human head.

“Wasn’t me,” Millie held up her hands.

——

Vaggie was almost at the stage when-

“Woah there, that’s far enough.”

A muscular black man stepped in front of her and placed a hand on her shoulder.

Vaggie suddenly snapped out of her trance and looked around.

“What?”

“Can’t get that close to the sta…Vaggie?”

Vaggie looked at the man, confused. After a moment, it clicked.

“Vortex?”

“Shit, good thing I stopped you.”

“What happened? Why am I here?”

Vaggie glanced behind her.

“…shit, I hope they were on my list.”

“Hold on,”

Vortex held out an arm and caught a drunken revealer who tried to climb up the stage.

“Come with me,”

With a grunt, Vortex dragged the drunk away from the stage and tossed him away.

“What was that?”

Vortex stared at her.

“Never been under a succubi’s spell before?”

“…can’t say that I have.”

“Huh. Yeah, it’s a lot. Really gets in your head.”

“Why aren’t you affected?”

“Helps if you’re in a relationship with someone. More importantly, Verosika knows better than to mess with my girlfriend.”

“Oh! You like girls huh? Me too!”

Vaggie paused and facepalmed.

“I..I think it’s still messing with me.”

“It’ll take a while. Want a drink? I’m on the job, though so no booze.”

“I’m fine with no booze, I had a lot already.”

“And you’re still ok to kill folks? Damn girl,”

“It’s a long story.”

“Here,” Vortex held out a bottle of water.

“Thanks,”

Before she could take it from him, Blitzo popped up and knocked it out of his hands.

“Vags, what the fuck!”

“I’m on a break, Blitzo.”

“On a break with her staff?!?”

“Hey, I told Vaggie that I got no beef with you. Whatever problem Verosika has with you is her business, not mine.”

“That’s not the point young lady! We still got a lot of people to kill, a lot of money to be made and a parking spot to be won!”

“….why are you so desperate to win that damn thing?” Vortex asked.

“Never mind that!”

“Blitzo just give me a bit, let me take a breather ok? I got through a bunch, I just fell under her spell, and-“

“You what!?!?”

“It’s not like it was on purpose! Christ on a stick, Blitzo.”

“Hey man, she’s doing her job, just let be, alright?”

“You stay out of this.”

“Blitzo, enough. Let me get my bearings back, let me get a drink, and I’ll be back to finishing the list off in no time, alright?”

“….fine.”

Blitzo left in a huff.

“….he knows he should be using a disguise, right?”

“He doesn’t care.”

“Here,”

Vortex offered her another bottle.

“Thanks.”

“You handled it well.”

“Yeah, well, he’s easy compared to my last boss.”

“Real asshole?”

“He likes to call himself the “Dickmaster” if that tells you anything.”

“…shit, good you got out of that mess.”

“…yeah.”

“Well, I’ll be stuck here until they finish this stupid thing. Lemme give you my number, we can meet up some other time.”

“Sure.”

——

“BEER POSSUM!
BEER POSSUM!
BE-“

Vaggie yanked her spear out of the chanting drunk’s back and dragged him off to the side.

“Millie! Hi~i,”

Vaggie glanced to the side as an obviously intoxicated Moxxie flopped around on the ground at Millie’s feet.

“What happened to him?” Mille held up her husband.

“When did you get four heads? I wanna kiss’m.”

“He must be the Beer Possum they were chanting about,” Vaggie stated.

“Ah fer-“

Millie was cut off as something rose out of the ocean: a massive, mutated fish. It stumbled on shore and crushed several people under its mass.
Humans screamed and fled in terror as it made its way on land.

“Ooh Fi~ish,” Moxxie laughed.

The creature opened its mouth: its tongue shot out and wrapped around Moxxie. Before it could yank him into its mouth, Vaggie severed its tongue with her spear.

“Get him out of here, I got this!”

Millie nodded and ran off with Moxxie as the fish roared and lashed out at Vaggie again.
She dodged and avoided its clumsy attacks and stabbed her spear into one of its legs. She used it to hoist herself up the creature’s body and ran up the side of it.

It roared and shook itself, but Vaggie simply drove her spear deeper into its hide to hold her ground.

“Heee~ey, how come she gets to have all the fun?” Moxxie slurred.

“Because I have ta watch yer drunk ass,”

“What the fuck, where did that thing come from?” Blitzo asked, “and why the fuck are you guys making her kill it?”

“Because he’s drunk as fuck.”

“Heee~y boss! I appreciate you, you know. Your head is so pointy.”

Moxxie laughed as he booped Blitzo’s nose.

Vaggie made her way up to the head of the fish and aimed her shotgun at one of its eyes. Two shots in quick succession blew open the eyeball, and she quickly wormed her way in through the socket. The fish began to flail wildly and roar, only to collapsed onto the shore, crushing the few humans who were too drunk to get out of the way under it.

“MY BABY!”

Blitzo made his way over to the creature and awkwardly tried to pry parts of it open.

“M&M! Help me out here!”

“I wanna eat it. I bet it taste…like fish,” Moxxie slipped from Millie’s grasp and flopped to the ground.

“Blitz-O.”

“Great, the Whores are here.”

“That was…really fucking noticable.”

“Yeah, well-“

Blitzo was interrupted as a spear blade stabbed through the side of the fish, barely missing Blitzo’s face. It sliced through the side and Vaggie slid out, disguise gone and covered in various fish guts, liquids and viscera.

“I’m never doing that again.”

“MY BABY!”

Blitzo embraced her, coating himself in the same fish parts. Vaggie rummaged around and pulled out a flask.

“This belongs to you,”

She tossed it at Verosika’s feet as the succubus looked on in disgust.

“What the fuck, what kind of shitty ass pop star is responsible for unleashing a giant mutant fish on earth?”
Blitzo asked as he let go of Vaggie and confronted his Ex.

“You three don’t even have disguises!”

“We just kill people before they see us!” Blitzo shouted back.

“A human called me… a Possum. I am not a Possum,” Moxxie collapsed face first in the sand.

“Be a shame to tell everyone what sort of nightmare you caused on Earth,” Blitzo replied, “all this over a-“

“You want the stupid fucking parking spot? Fine!”

Verosika snapped up the flask, recoiled at the condition of it and tossed it at one of her followers.

“YES!” Blitzo pumped his fist and flipped her off.

Vortex cautiously made his way to Vaggie.

“Don’t touch me, I don’t want you getting it on you.”

“You good?” He asked.

“I want to take a bath.
Forever.”

Chapter Text

“Oh We Are… The C.H.E.R.U-“

Before the jingle could finish Vaggie shot the TV and it exploded.

“Dammit Vagina, that was my shot!” Blitzo grumbled.

“Good shot, though,” Moxxie added as he set up the next TV.

Vaggie hated the cherubs.
As far as she knew, absolutely no one liked them, except for maybe Duma and Remiel.

Vaggie paused.
Well, it was hard to tell with Duma, he didn’t say anything.

Cherubs were two-faced, Ass-kissing, arrogant, classist, racist shitheads that made Adam go “woah bitch, that’s enough”.

She vaguely remembered some of the other exorcist talking about a group of Cherubs who had plans to make an organization devoted to helping people get into heaven, but they had all laughed it off at the time.

She guessed those Cherubs followed through.

A rumble interrupted her thoughts as she snatched up and reloaded her shotgun.

“What was that?”

“Oh shit, is it a Hellquake?” Blitzo glanced at Vaggie.

“What, you gonna shoot the ground to stop it?”

“Ah heard Satan once stopped one by punchin’ it,” Millie stated.

“Hellquakes are not real, we have been over this before,” Moxxie rolled his eyes.

The wall exploded, pelting everyone with debris and shrapnel. A black metallic ball made of tubes sat in the rubble and unfolded to reveal a thin Sinner dressed in black with metallic tentacles mounted to his back.

“Do not be afra-JESUS CHRIST!”

He ducked as Vaggie opened fire.

“Christ on a stick, stop trying to kill all our clients!” Blitzo yelled.

Vaggie reloaded again as Millie yanked out a massive axe.

“Hold on, I’m here to hire you people,” the Sinner held up his arms and tentacles in surrender.

“There’s a door,” Vaggie growled.

“I am Loopty-Goopty! I am eccentric, therefore I must do ECCENTRIC SHIT!”

“This old fuck stinks of the living world. You just died?”

“YES! Just got here! And this is the man I want you to kill!”

——-

“Vags, why the fuck didn’t you tell us you could use your human disguise thing on us?” Blitzo hissed.

“I can only use it to cover one other person.”

Blitzo tucked his head back into the oversized backpack.
Vaggie tossed her hair out of her eye as the tour guide continued to speak. Next to Vaggie sat a short, squat human male wearing a red cap and striped shirt and continued to poke at his enormous nose.

“Moxxie, stop poking it.”

“Why is my nose so big?”

“I don’t know that’s just how disguises work.”

“And if you look to your right, you can see the home of famous inventor Lyle Lipton!”

“Alright then,”

The disguised Vaggie and Moxxie leapt off of the bus and landed behind the security fence.

“And now you can see a sta-“

The Tour Guide toppled to the ground, dead. Blitzo wiggled his way out of the bag and reloaded his pistol.

“Fucker was pissing me off. Alright gang, let’s go…Christ on a Stick, you look like a jackass, Moxxie.”

“What kinda human disguise is that?” Mille asked as she got out of the bag.

“I don’t choose how they look, they just look like that.”

“Well, turn him back to normal, he’s creepin’ me out.”

With a snap of her fingers, the disguises vanished. Moxxie pulled out an assault rifle, Millie drew a pair of swords and Vaggie pulled out her shotgun.

“Alright, let’s do this.”

The group made their way up to the window an peeked in: a sad, elderly man laid in bed, hooked up to machines.

“Goodbye…my o-“

The window exploded. Vaggie stepped in through the rubble and reloaded as Moxxie opened the door.

“There was a door.”

“I don’t care,”

“Oh god, hideous children and a woman.” Lipton groaned.

“Yeah, you know what, you can have this one, Vags.” Blitzo waved her off as he walked in.

“You’re…you’re here to end my suffering?”

“Yep,” Vaggie aimed her shotgun at him.

“Oh, the sweet embrace of death,” a weak, watery smile appeared on his face, “Tha-“

He was cut off as a burst of white light and concussive force knocked the imps away and knocked Vaggie’s shotgun out of her hands.

“Shit!” Vaggie swore and ducked down to find the gun.

A ray of light appeared before Lipton and three figures descended.

“Oh no, more ugly children.” He groaned.

“No, Mr. Lipton, we’re-“

“FUCKING ASSHOLES TRYING TO STEAL MY JOB!” Blitzo cut in.

“It’s those Cherubs from that commercial.”

“Oh no! Demons!” The blue sheep-like Cherub squealed.

“That’s fucking right, we got here first! So you dumb little fucks can go straight back to where you assholes came from and fuck off!”

“But he can still do so much good!” The Yellow Sheep countered, “he can use his money to help those in need!”

“Neverrrr….”

“He can build hospitals and-“

The blue sheep was cut off as Blitzo fired and missed. The head cherub broke off from the group and got into Blitzo’s face.

“Listen Demon, we are trying to do good here! Don’t get in our way!”

“Don’t give a shit, we got paid to kill him and we’re gonna make bank on it,” Blitzo started to reload his pistol.

“But think of all that he can still do!”

“Don’t care.”

Vaggie popped back out from under the bed, shotgun in hand. She glanced down at Lipton and frowned.

“Just get out of our way!” The yellow sheep yelled.

“Yeah, Millie, help me deal with the Sunday roast.”

“On it.”

The blue sheep and Moxxie exchanged awkward looks.

“Guys..” Vaggie called out.

“We just want to spread goodness! Help this poor unfortunate soul get into heaven!”

“Hey, guys.”

“Not now Vags, Daddy’s trying to fuck the baby,” Blitzo waved her off, “now you listen here shitbag, this guy is a piece of crap, no amount of dick sucking is-“

“EVERYONE SHUT THE FUCK UP!” Vaggie yelled.

The imps and cherubs stared at her in shock. She lifted Lipton’s weak, limp hand into the air and dropped it.

“He’s dead.”

“…Well fuck me, I guess we are getting paid.”

“Dammit!” The yellow sheep kicked the edge of the bed.

“Hey, not to worry!” The baby smiled, “There’s still plenty of souls we ca-“

He was cut off as a blade pierced through his chest. With a swift, upwards slash, the cherub’s head split in half and his corpse fell to the floor.

Vaggie stood there, spear out.

“JESUS CHRIST!” The Yellow sheep cherub screamed.

“CLETUS!”

With another slash, Vaggie decapitates the yellow sheep and pinned the blue one to the floor.

“Please just let me go! I…” the Blue sheep paused, “Wait, I recogni-“

He was cut off as Vaggie stabbed him through the head. She looked up from the corpses at the slack jawed faces of her companions.

She looked back down at the dead cherubs, back to the imps, back to the cherubs and then back to her coworkers.

“…ok, look, I can explain.”

“Good job Vags, love the enthusiasm,” Blitzo flashed a thumbs up.

“I-“

“WHAT HAVE YOU DONE?” Moxxie shrieked.

“I can explai-“

“YOU KILLED ANGELS! Now heaven is going to find out about us and send more! They might send the Exorcist!”

“They Don’t kill the Hellborn, Moxx,”

“THEY’LL DESTROY US ALL!”

“Look, I-“

“DESTROY US ALL!”

“Oh for fu-“

“DESTROY US ALL!”

“Calm do-“

“DESTROY US ALL!”

“I-“

“DESTROY US ALL!
DESTROY US ALL!
DESTROY US ALL!
DESTROY US ALL!
DESTROY US ALL!
DESTROY US ALL!
DES-“

“Millie! Do something to shut him up!”

Millie cold clocked her husband, and the panicked imp collapsed to the floor, unconscious.

“Now, like I was saying, Vaggie, loved the enthusiasm, but what the fuck.”

“I can explain. I hate Cherubs.”

“No shit, everyone hates Angels.”

“They creep me out,” Vaggie continued, “but more importantly, they know we’re here and what we’re doing, they go back report that to their bosses and it makes things harder for us.”

“She’s got a point, Boss,” Millie agreed.

“You could at least have saved one for me,” Blitzo grumbled.

“Let’s just go home.”

Vaggie sighed in relief.
Her secret was still safe.

She hoped.

——

She woke up to the pounding on her door.

She groaned and rolled out of bed and ripped open the door.

“What!?!”

A tall, thin white furred Sinner growled back as he held up three handfuls of paper.

“Why the fuck do you keep leaving all these papers about shampoo and shit at my door?”

“You stink,”

“I shower! I clean!”

“Not enough! You smell like a damn bathroom gloryhole, Angel,”

“Oh, like you know what that smells like, bitch?”

She slammed the door in his face.

She slipped out of her pajamas and slipped into the uniform that Charlie had given her: red suit button up, black dress shorts and a suit jacket as well.

They had all gotten torn up as she wore them, but it was fine.

Loona hated almost everyone at the hotel.

She opened the door again to find all of the papers scattered on the floor.

Angel Dust was their first client, and was a pain in her ass.
Porn star, drug addict, all around asshole, and prick.

He might have claimed he wanted to be rehabilitated, but everyone knew he was just using it as a place to stay and take advantage of Charlie’s generosity.

He always stunk of drugs, sex and a harsher scent she couldn’t place.
Which is why she kept giving him the damn ads.

She made her way down the hall and to the stairs. As she made her way down then, something small dashed past her.

“Not on the stairs, Nif!”

Niffty was a small one-eyed sinner that had been brought in as a maid.
Not that she really did a good job with it, she spent most of her time chasing roaches and stabbing them.

But she stayed out of Loona’s way and didn’t really rub her the wrong way, so they tolerated each other.

She smelt of cleaning supplies, insect guts and metal.

As she made her way across the hotel lobby, she took a seat at the bar.

“Usual.”

“Morning to you, too.” He growled as he mixed a drink in front of her.

The bartender was a winged cat sinner called Husk.
He was probably the only other person here that she didn’t hate.
He served her what she wanted, made small talk when she wanted and generally spent most of his time drunk.

He smelt of booze, shame and cat dander.

The other person she absolutely hated was the sinner who had brought in Niffty and Husk.
The Radio Demon.

An old timey prick who had far too many secrets, an agenda of his own, and only went along with the Hotel because it amused him.

Not because he believed in Charlie’s dream.
Not like her.

She absolutely did not trust him and she knew he was always on edge around her.
Whether it was because he knew she didn’t trust him, because he disliked her and knew she would keep Charlie from making a bad decision with him, or something else.

He smelt of swamp, blood, static and something else she couldn’t place.

“What sort of nonsense does the princess have planned for today?” Husk asked as he placed the drink in front of her.

“Trust exercises,” Loona downed it, “another.”

“Hrmh…Hate Having to put on a show for the rest of these dumb fucks.”

“You have no idea.”

“Ye-“

The two were interrupted as the hotel door opened.
Two thin, female sinners entered; one in a lab coat and the other with a cart covered in boxes and machinery.

With a groan, Loona downed her drink and got up.

“What’s all this?”

“Order for S-“

“Ah! There it isss!”

A snake-like sinner weaved past her and took the clipboard from the one in a lab coat.

“Sign here please,”

“Done.”

“Thank you for your business, enjoy your Carmine purchase.”

The two left as Sir Pentious began to slither away with his goods.

The newest idiot on the block.
Sir Pentious was a failed spy for the Vees and had turned to the Hotel to save himself from a mauling after he was (easily) found out.

He seemed to be at least trying, which Loona could begrudgingly respect.

He was still a loud mouthed moron with delusions of grandeur and self-importance and worse he brought in…them.

The Egg boiz were the one thing she absolutely despised.

Idiotic, incompetent, Loona was legitimately surprised they did not all accidentally kill each other in some sort of moronic incident.

They also tasted terrible.

Pentious smelt like machine oil, tea and shame.
The Egg Boiz smelt like…eggs.

“What happened?” Charlie appeared on the scene.

“He bought something from Carmilla Carmine.”

Charlie smelt of sugar, brimstone and comfort.

It was going to be a long day.

Chapter Text

“What d’ya mean ya never been ta Wrath before?” Millie asked.

“We didn’t travel much,”

Which was true.

“So..” Vaggie trailed off, “Harvest Moon Festival is a big deal huh?”

“Pretty much th’ biggest,”

The van came to a stop in front of a ranch house and two imps: an older, plump female one and an older male imp with a mustache.

“Daddy! Mama!”

Millie got out of the van and embraced the male imp who lifted her and spun her around.

“YEE-HAW! How’s mah deadly lil’ pumpkin spice doin’?”

“I’m good Pa, thanks fer lettin’ us stay here fer the Harvest jamboree,”

“Ain’t no trouble,” the woman spoke, “we know money’s been tight since you went freelance…”

Millie rolled her eyes.

“Freelance pays fine, anyway you all remember Moxxie? Mah husband?”

She grabbed Moxxie and pushed him towards her parents.

“Hrmph,” they both gave a grunt of disapproval.

“Greetings Joe, Lin. Uh…how have you all been with the fire twisters and stuff?”

“We lost an old farmhand to one last week,” Joe grunted.

“Oh crumbs, I uh, I didn’t mean to open that wound, uh, sir-“

“HEY! Only person you get to call Sir is me!”

“Oh yeah, you haven’t met my boss Blitzo and Coworker Vaggie!”

“Hey! She’s my daughter too!”

“Not legally,” Vaggie added, “it’s nice to meet you both.”

“It’s finally nice to meet the sperm and egg factory that gave birth to this little gem of an assassin!”

——

“…so am I the only one getting a bad feeling about that Striker guy?”

“Nah, he’s Fucking fantastic!” Blitzo exclaimed, “Fuck what I wouldn’t give to have someone like him on our team. And that horse of his, MMMMH!”

“Thanks for the vote of confidence, sir,” Moxxie grumbled.

“Oh shut up, baby dick.”

“I’m just saying, he’s talented, deliberately trying to show up Moxxie, and doesn’t seem like someone who’s just going around doing farm work for minimum Pay.”

“You’re just being a bitch. But you see that horse?”

Blitzo kissed his fingers.

“Shit, I know what I’m dreaming about tonight.”

“…have fun letting it ride you, I’m going outside.”

Vaggie left the room and made her way outside.

Ruled by strength.
It reminded her of Adam and the Exorcists.

Lute had gotten to her position of second in command through ruthlessness, strength and ass-kissing, while Vaggie has climbed up the ranks through enthusiasm.
At least, at first.

And Striker reminded her of Lute.
There was a sense of ambition that he wasn’t very good at hiding. A sense that he was looking down at them.
The emphasis he has placed on the Grimoire and Prince Stolas was-

Her thoughts were interrupted as she noticed movement to her side:

A tall female imp dragging a bag on the ground.

The two paused and looked at each other.

“…oh, uh, Sallie May, right?”

“Eeyup.”

Vaggie glanced down at the bag. Dark liquid seeped from it.

“Burying a dead body?”

“Eeyup.”

“….I’m not telling anyone,” Vaggie paused, “not that your folks would believe me.”

“Eeyup.”

“Need a hand?”

“Eeyup.”

Without another word, she grabbed the other side of the bag and lifted it.

“You’re not going to try and kill me once we’re in the woods?”

“Naw, you look like you can actually fight. It’s in th’ eye.”

“…huh.”

“Besides, Millie seems ta like you. She ain’t got a whole lotta friends any more.”

“Killed them all?”

“Ain’t gonna prove I did,”

The two continued to walk through the farmlands until Sallie May came to a stop.

“This is far enough, let’er go.”

The two dropped the bag as Sallie May held out a shovel.

“Git diggin’.”

“You do this all the time?”

“When I feel like it.”

“This is like the fourth body I’ve seen you moving since we got here.”

“Fourth you saw. Girl’s gotta have a hobby.”

“…I need hobbies,”

“What d’ya do for fun?”

“….target practice.”

“Yeah, y’gotta get more hobbies. Y’know what else I do? Wood carvin’.”

“…really?”

“S’good for stress. An’ I getta sell whatever little figurines I make.”

“…huh.”

“Jus’ gotta find something you’re inta.”

The two continued to dig in silence.

“Why is everyone hard on Moxxie?” Vaggie broke the silence.

“He ain’t a bad fella.
Good for Millie, he’s level headed, she’s fiery. He thinks things through, she wrecks it.
They’re good for each other.”

“Then why-“

“It’s what sisters do, y’know? You ain’t got any?”

Vaggie paused.

She would have called them sisters at one point.

“Not anymore,”

“Fallin’ out?”

“You could say that. We don’t see eye to eye anymore and it’s…it’s not something we can reconcile.
And they, weren’t like, my biological sisters you know?”

“Hrmh.”

Sallie May grunted and nodded.

“Y’gotta cut the real toxic people outta yer life. Like one of mah exes. Buried ‘em out yonder.”

“…if I could do that with them, I probably would.”

“Well, you got what you got. Reckon this is deep enough.”

With a grunt. Sallie May hauled herself out of the pit.

“Need a hand?” She turned and offered Vaggie a helping hand.

Rather than accepting it, Vaggie leapt out of the hole.

“…Huh. What’d you say you did before this?”

“Ah…fighting. Training stuff.”

“Huh. Well, if you felt like it, you could probably join the Pain Games.”

“I’ll just watch.”

“There’s always next year.”

Sallie May paused.

“Y’wanna bet if Moxxie gets killed?”

“I’ll bet on him surviving.”

——

The Pain Games didn’t seem that bad.
Obstacle course, racing, tug of war, wrestling, and more.

And sharks.
She wasn’t sure why mud sharks were a thing.

And the whole time, Moxxie was behind.
Repeatedly failing, collapsed in the mud, trampled, bested and repeatedly attacked by sharks.

And all of that for him to end up in last place.

So, of course the asshole had to rub it into his face with a song.

Not a very good song, but still.

“Yeah, I asked him to join I.M.P.”

Blitzo munched on the cheese as Moxxie looked at him with a bewildered and hurt expression.

“You asked, but…”

“C’mon Mox, let’s head home and get you clean.”

The couple left as Striker shot them a wicked knowing smile.

“….you know you’re a complete asshole, right?” Vaggie asked.

“What?”

“This entire time, Moxxie’s been trying his best to prove himself to Millie’s family and you.”

“Yeah and he’s been doin’ a shi-“

Blitzo was cut off as Vaggie smacked him across the head.

“Callate, Cono!”

Without another word, she left.

Being so willing to throw someone under the bus after they had been nothing but helpful and loyal was…was…

Was so much like Lute and Adam.

——

She heard the crash from outside of the house.

Vaggie glanced up and scanned the area.
Blitzo was still staring lovingly at Bombproof, Millie’s parents were still loading things onto the truck and Sallie May was hauling a wheelbarrel with what was probably a dead body do-

A thump.
A scream.
A yell.

Millie.

——

With a grunt, Striker tossed the imps into the cellar. Millie screamed as her leg landed in the bear trap and Moxxie rushed over to comfort her.

“I’d kill y’all, but I feel like there’s more le-HRGk!”

He glanced down at his chest and saw the speartip protruding out.

“Tarnation….”

“I knew it.”

Striker yelled as the blade twisted and was withdrawn. He collapsed to his knees and Vaggie stabbed him a second time until the blade came out of his abdomen.

“You…”

“Don’t care,” Vaggie cut him off.

With a yell, she yanked it out and stabbed through his chest again.

With a gurgle, Striker collapsed to the ground.

The door slammed open as Joe and Lin made their way in.

“What in Tarnation?”

“Forget him, they’re hurt,”

Vaggie dragged Striker’s corpse away and gestured down the stairs. Lin pushed past her and rushed down.

“Mildred!”

“He dead?” Joe gestured towards the body.

Without a word, Vaggie yanked her spear out and jabbed it into the dead imp’s head.

“He better be.”

With a nod, Joe went down to the cellar.
Blitzo entered, annoyed.

“What happened, why…”

He trailed off as he noticed the corpse on the ground.

“What the fuck, Vagina? Why’d you kill my future Employee of the m-“

Vaggie yanked her spear out of the corpse and pointed it at Blitzo.

“Ask your current employees.”

With that, Vaggie pushed past Blitzo and went outside. She paused and scanned the farm until she found what she was looking for.

“Hey, Sallie May!”

“Eeyup?”

“Wanna help me hide a dead body?”

Sallie May paused and grinned

“Eeyup.”

——

“Please!” Blitzo begged.

“We can’t take a horse back with us,”

“It’s not a horse, it’s the Horse! The Horse that I can go riding down the side of an active volcano while drinking from a cha-“

“Don’t worry, we’ll take good care of ol’ Bombproof here,” one of Millie’s younger brothers patted the horse.

Blitzo collapsed into a sobbing heap as they lead the horse away from him.

“She protected both of us! If anything you both should apologize for bringing a crazy person like that into your own house!” Moxxie ranted.

Joe only nodded and walked off.

“…Hey, you’re pretty fun. We could hang out sometime,” Sallie May slapped Vaggie’s back.

“Gimme your number, bet we can get up to some fun stuff up in Pride.”

“Sure,”

Moxxie slammed the trunk shut and helped Millie into the car. Vaggie dragged Blitzo into the van and slammed the door on his tail.

“OW! Fuck!”

Vaggie turned to Joe and Lin and smiled.

“Well, I guess we should head back. Nice meeting all of you, thanks for having us.”

Vaggie got into the driver’s seat and turned the key. The engine kicked on and they began to drive away in awkward silence.

“Turn on the radio, I’m sick of all the backwoods country music crap,” Blitzo complained.

“….did you apologize?” Vaggie asked.

“What? No, why the-“

“Blitzo, the next thing out of your mouth better be an apology, or I’m tossing you out.”

“….Fine! I’m sorry that I implied you weren’t a good employee, Moxxie. You’re definitely a worker.”

“Ahem.”

“A good worker! Fuck!”

“…and?”

“And you can keep the fucking rifle! Fuck! I lost a possible Employee, a horse and a cool fucking gun! I hope you’re happy, Vagina.”

“Thank you sir,”

“There’s one thing I don’t get though,” Millie asked.

“Yeah?”

“Who’d wanna kill Prince Stolas?”

——

“YOU KNOW WHO THIS IS! Pick up and answer me, you stupid excuse for an imp and assassin!”

With a scream Stella hurled her phone across the room and it exploded against the wall.

Stolas looked up from his breakfast.

“Everything all right?”

“FINE! Just another man who couldn’t perform when it fucking mattered!”

Chapter Text

Millie tumbled through the portal and crashed into the wall of the office.

“I don’t care! Close it now, Vaggie!” Blitzo yelled through it.

With a gesture, the portal vanished. She tossed the Grimoire aside and went over to help Millie to her feet.

“What happened?”

“We gotta get back there! Some assholes in suits captured both’o them!”

“Shit,”

Vaggie ran into the other room and grabbed a backpack labeled “Blitzo Emergen-C Bag”. She quickly grabbed another smaller backpack and ran back into the room as Millie picked up an axe.

“Hold up, we need disguises.”

“What fer?”

“So they don’t know we’re coming,”

With a gesture, the disguise magic engulfed the two, as the familiar looking Latina girl replaced Vaggie.
She glanced down at Millie: now a black woman with big, frizzy hair and Blue scrubs.

“….I look ridiculous, am I supposed to be a doctor or somethin’?”

“I don’t know, it just does that.”

The Grimoire in one hand, Vaggie gestured and opened up the portal. Millie leapt through, While Vaggie pulled out her shotgun and stepped into an empty alleyway.

“Shit! They’re gone,”

Vaggie pulled the Grimoire out and flipped through the pages.

“….here! tracking spell. We just need something from one of them…..”

“This’ll work?”

Millie held out a fistful of white hairs.

“….Why do you have Moxxie’s hairs?”

“I’m his wife, why wouldn’t I?”

Vaggie paused.

“Yeah, stupid question.”

Vaggie plucked several of the hairs as the grimoire began to glow red. She tossed the hair into the air as they began to glow the same color and floated through the air.

“Follow them!”

——

The two came to a stop as the hairs landed near the entrance to a building.

“Hold, you see that?”

Armed Guards with naginatas stood near the front door.

“….Millie, who did you say captured them “

“Assholes in suits.”

“….They warned me about people like this.”

“People like what?”

“There’s assholes on Earth that believe in things like demons, angels, Bigfoot, aliens and shit like that.”

“Th’ fuck’s a Bigfoot?”

“Don’t worry about it. Most people think they’re crackpots and idiots, but if someone has proof…”

Vaggie held up a hand to restrain Millie.

“But we can’t go in swinging. We need to get in there without them realizing who we are,”

“What’s the plan?”

“Follow my lead. And put the axe away,”

“Hold up, before we do this….” Millie grabbed her arm.

“What?”

“Are we killin’ these assholes or not? I know you go-“

“They took Moxxie and Blitzo. Do whatever you have to do.”

“Now that’s more like it!”

——

“Why the fuck do I have to be Agent 34?”

“Stop fucking complaining, you know there are people in this organization who would be dying to be Agent 34?”

“Because they’re all fucking perverts! Look at Agent 69!”

“Knock it off,”

“Oh, you get to be all high and mighty because you’re Agent 42.”

“I don’t know why that number is important.”

“Are you serious?”

“Hola!”

The two snapped to attention and brought up their naginatas.

Vaggie half carried, half dragged the unconscious Millie into the view.

“I’m really, really sorry about this, but do you guys have a public restroom my friend can use?” Vaggie awkwardly chuckled, “I told her not to trust the fish tacos.”

“No.”

“Dude, seriously?” Agent 34 glanced at his coworker.

“It’s a private business, unless you have business with us-“

“You can either let me in or let me take a shit right out here on your frontuva house!”
Millie yelled.
“Ow, shouldn’t have done that.”

“….fuck, fine, whatever. You’re taking them to the bathroom.” Agent 42 threw up his hands.

“Gracias!”

“Thanks bud,”

Agent 42 unlocked the door as Agent 34 led them inside.

“…really?” Vaggie hissed.

“I hadda improvise,”

——

The same boring assholes scanning the hallways.
The same morons patrolling.
The-

Wait.

Agent 16 paused, Coffee cup halfway to his mouth.

He watched the picture of Agent 34 leading two women down the hall.

He had never seen the short woman before.

But he definitely recognized the taller one.

He glanced over to the pictures on the board: the woman fighting the fish on the beach, a photo of her sitting on a tour bus with a short boy with a big nose.

She was with them.

He slammed the alarm button and snapped up his nunchucks.

——-

Sirens and alarms blared.

“Fuck, they figured it out,” Vaggie swore under her breath.

“Huh? You sa-“

Agent 34 trailed off as Millie decapitated him.

“Plan B?”

“Plan B.”

The disguises vanished as more agents rounded the corner. The head of the first agent exploded as Vaggie opened fire. Another Agent’s head exploded as Moxxie slammed her axe into a third’s face. Vaggie quickly reloaded and fired again, blowing a hole in a sai-wielding agent’s chest. Another agent stabbed at her with his own pole arm, only for Vaggie to run him through with her spear and pin him to the wall.

Millie quickly leapt up onto the spear and used it as a springboard to attack another agent as Vaggie opened fire again. As she paused to reload her shotgun, another Agent slashed at her with his katana, only for her to dodge it.

“Behind!”

Vaggie dove out of the way as the axe flew through the air and embedded itself in his chest. Vaggie lashed out with the unloaded shotgun and swept the agent’s legs.
As he landed on the ground, she stomped on the axe, and drove it through his chest. Millie yanked the spear out of the wall and impaled the last agent's head.

“How’d they know it was us?”

“I don’t know,” Vaggie reloaded, “maybe my disguise.”

“I like this,” Mille twirled the spear, “how is it so light weight?”

Vaggie yanked the axe out and hoisted it up.

“We gotta keep moving, figure out where they are.”

——

“I don’t need you, I can do this shit on my own so easily!” Blitzo snapped at the sketchy, black and white version of Moxxie.

Something whizzed past his face. He turned to look at it, only for a spear to slam into the ground near his crotch.

He looked up and came face to face with a version of Vaggie, heavily shaded with thick lines and far too thin limbs and waist. Her feet and hands ended in awkward points and she smiled wide, revealing far too many identical, flat teeth.

“That didn’t work out very well, did it, Blitzo? That’s why you picked me out of the trash?
So you wouldn’t be alone?”

The Vaggie vanished as Blitzo shot upwards and a cartoonish version of FizzaRolli appeared.

——

“It’s fucking one one one one one,” Vaggie groaned as she punched it in.

The door slid open and the two ran into the reception area.

“Which one of these rooms is it?” Millie asked.

“Let’s try door number one!”

With a roar, Vaggie smashed open the door with the axe. An agent screamed and tried to pull his pants back up. Vaggie shot him, and left him alone in his indignity.

“….what the fuck.”

More agents poured out of the rooms as Millie and Vaggie looked at them.

“Why are they only using close range weapons anyway?”

“‘Cause they’re dumb as shit.”

Millie leapt onto the closest agent and tore part of his spine out, while Vaggie opened fire again.

She dodged the agent’s clumsy attack and slammed the empty shotgun across his face before following it up with a slash. She quickly sidestepped another attack before kicking her attacker into another agent and ran them both through, pinning them to the wall.

Vaggie reloaded as Millie decapitated the pinned agents with her axe.

“We have to be getting closer.”

The two went to the desk and scanned it. An agent wielding a set of sai appeared behind them, only for Vaggie to shoot him without turning around.

“You’re gettin’ real good at that.”

“Thanks, I practice. There.”

Vaggie pointed at the screen: it showed a room filled with green gas.

“Wanna bet that’s where they are?”

“Well, where is it?”

“Let’s ask him.”

Vaggie spun around and grabbed the agent behind them. With one move, she slammed his face into the table and held it up to the screen.

“What room is that?”

“Fuck you.”

“Millie, tear out a finger.”

With a grin, the imp pulled out the agent’s left hand and bit off his thumb.
He screamed as she spat it out.

“Next is the middle finger,” Millie smiled.

“I’m still not telling!”

With a shrug, Millie bit off the next one.

“Pinky’s next.”

“Actually, just go for the pointer.”

Millie shrugged and bit through the muscle, severing the upper part of the hand. She chewed for a moment and spat it out.

“You taste like shit,”

“Do the other hand now,”

“Interrogation room!”

“Which way?”

The agent was cut off as a kama buried itself in his forehead.

“You fucking missed!” Another agent with shuriken groaned.

Before the one wielding the Kusarigama could say anything Vaggie shot him.

Millie leapt across the room and tore out the throat of the shuriken wielding agent.

“It’s gotta be on this floor!”

“Let’s go save them.”

——-

“Isn’t that how it is, Blitzo?”

The hallucination of Vaggie reappeared before him.

“They’re right, you know, you’re going to die alone. You call me your daughter, but do you even know me?
Who I am?
What I’ll do when you get tired of me and push me away like you did to everyone else?”

Vaggie laughed.

“You’re going to die alone, because I’ll make sure of it.”

Her arms split apart into a multitude of limbs, all wielding a copy of her spear. Vaggie laughed again as she stabbed through Blitzo’s arms, legs, horns, body, any piece of him that she could find.

——

“Take me to the fucking interrogation room, or I go for the next knee!”

Vaggie snarled as she held the terrified agent up.

“Down the hall and to the right!”

“Thanks, asshole,”

Vaggie tossed him aside, onto the katana of another dead agent. She made her way to the door and blew it open with two shots.

Agents One and Two got up, clearly startled.
Before either could react, Vaggie hurled her spear at Agent One, and pinned him to the wall.

“You’re that other demon with them!” Agent Two gasped as she slammed something on the desk.

Vaggie shot across the room and clocked her across the face with the unloaded shotgun. She took a moment to reload and approach Agent One as he struggled with the spear.

“Why are you doing this?”

“Because you tried to take someone important to me,”

“There’ll be more agents! You won’t ge-“

He was cut off as Vaggie opened fire and blew his head off.

“Save it for when I see you in Hell.”

Vaggie yanked the spear out of the wall: the dead body fell to the ground. She went back to Agent Two and swiftly separated her head from her body. She aimed the shotgun at the glass window and fired.

The glass pane exploded and revealed Millie and Moxxie in an embrace as Blitzo looked at her.

“Vaggie! Christ on a Stick, I am glad to see you!”

“Save it for later, these assholes called for reinforcements,”

Vaggie tossed the Blitzo Emergen-C bag on the ground In front of them. Wicked grins crept onto their faces as the two imps reached into the bags and pulled out weapons.

Vaggie reloaded as more agents appeared.

“Alright, I have had way too many emotions today, let’s fuck these fuckers up!”

——-

Vaggie pulled her spear out of the dead body and surveyed the room:

Dead bodies everywhere, shot, decapitated, maimed, blown up, necks torn out, and various other gruesome ways to die.

Millie gargled and spat out a mouthful of blood as Moxxie offered her a water bottle.

“You still have a little something caught in your teeth.”

“Knew I shouldn’ta tried ripping his heart out,”

Blitzo patted himself down, looking for something.

“Shit, I ran out of ammo. Can’t remember the last time that happened,”

It reminded her of before.
The Exterminations.

The thing she had been trying to avoid.

No.

She shook her head.

This wasn’t anything like that. It was the opposite.
She wasn’t killing people out of cruelty without anyway for them to fight back.

She was fighting people who had kidnapped people she cared about, were ready to do unspeakable things to them, and were perfectly willing to do that to her if they had captured her.

It was different.
It was different.
It was different.
It wa-

“Vaggie, you ok?”

Blitzo had appeared beside her and awkwardly placed a hand on her shoulder.

“Take a sit down, get some water. Christ on a Stick, you guys did a lot today,”

“Thanks, Blitzo.”

He led her to a pile of bodies and she took a seat on top of them.
The bottle appeared in her hand and she drank half of it in one go.

This was nothing like the exterminations.

This was to protect people and she made it as swift and painless as possible.
…..ok, as swift as possible.
There was nothing painless about being run through with a spear.

Vaggie paused.

Had she really changed, or was it all just focused at different targets with different justifications, now?

“Vaggie, you ok?”

“Yeah, just….
It’s been a lot today.”

“Right, let’s blow this shithole,”

“Hold on,”

Vaggie pulled off the second backpack and opened it.

“What’s in that?”

“They have evidence of us, right? Means we have to get rid of that and then.”

She dumped out the bag and revealed a collection of explosives.

“Where did you…”

“Girl named Cherri Bomb, it’s a long story.”

“Demonic explosives will burn this whole place to the ground without leaving much behind…”

Vaggie pulled out the Grimoire and opened the portal.

“We go through and we set these off right when we close it,”

“Attagirl!”

———

Another long day of absolute crap.

Angel was out at his job, Charlie was busy planning something else for the hotel, Sir Pentious was off with the Egg Boiz, Alistor was off doing… whatever he did, and Niffty was somewhere in mortal combat with the roaches.

Which left just the two of them at the bar.

“Gimme another,”

Husk simply started collecting the bottles and pouring.

“You know, I think we’re the only two people here,” he stated.

“Yeah and?”

“Well, it’s the only chance I’ll have to do what I’m going to do,”

“Drinks first, furball,”

“Like you’re one to talk.”

He pushed the glass in front of her, she took it and began to drink.

“So I’m just going to come out and say it,”

He paused and stared at Loona.

“When you gonna tell the Princess you’re in love with her?”

The glass shattered in her hand, covering her in alcohol and glass shards.

“What did you say?”

“You heard me,”

Loona shot up, snatched up Husk by his neck scruff and snarled.

“You-“

“I didn’t tell anyone, and I got no damn reason to. Now put me down and let me pour you a drink,”

Loona snorted and let go of him. He dusted himself off and poured her a shot of whiskey.

“The only reason I’m asking you now is because none of those assholes are here to screw it up and spoil it.
You honestly think if any of them knew about it, they wouldn’t be parading it around?”

Loona paused.

“You’re right,”

“Damn right I’m right,”

Husk pushed the glass to her.

“Thing about romance is, you gotta let them go at their own pace. Sometimes people need that little push, but it doesn’t mean a damn thing if they don’t want to do it.”

Loona downed the shot and pushed it aside.

“So all I want to know is when you realized it.”

She paused.

“Probably after the first year of living here. After Lucifer picked me to be her “pet”.”

“She’s the only one who treated you like a person.”

“Yeah.”

“And that’s why you’re willing to put up with all our bullshit?”

Husk pushed another shot to her.

“Yeah. I want her dreams to be successful and the only way that happens is if we get one of you idiots into heaven.”

“So it brings me back to my first question…”

“I don’t know.
It’s….it’s a lot of things.”

“Talk with me,”

“She’s my owner.”

“You got the King of Hell in your corner, she ask, he can change that for you.”

“He thinks of me as…as her pet,”

“…forget that then, what else?”

“…. I’m a Hellhound, she’s…. She’s the princess.”

“And you think that makes you unique? Everyone knows about Asmodeus and that imp he’s fucking.
Heard it through the grapevine that Beelzebub is also dating a Hellhound.”

“The Sins are different. You heard about that Royal who’s apparently fucking an Imp?”

“Don’t really follow the Royal gossip, but I can imagine that’s different.”

“Exactly. Charlie’s already a laughing stock with most of the Pride Ring, dating me…”

Loona trailed off.

“Dating me would only make it worse.”

“Ignore that for a bit, you think she’d agree to date you?”

“….I don’t know,”

“….honestly, neither do I,” Husk admitted, “but you know, you lose all the bets you don’t take.”

“And even if you do, you can still crap out,” Loona growled back.

Husk shrugged.

“Nature of the game.”

“How did you figure this out anyway?”

“I see the way you look at her.”

“….and no one else knows?”

“Angel would rub it in, Alistor would try to use it to gain favors, Pent is too stupid to do anything with it, and Niffty?
Don’t even ask.
The Egg Boiz say stupid shit all the time, so no one is going to believe them. One of them came here, drank an entire bottle of vodka and started babbling about someone killing an exorcist.”

“….Fuck, they are stupid.”

“So like I said, your secret’s safe with me. Just…”

Husk sighed.

“Just take the gamble. When you’re ready. You just might hit the jackpot.”

Husk placed two shots on the countertop and slid one over to Loona.

“To losers, baby.” He held up the glass.

“Thanks Asshole.”

Chapter Text

“Immediate Murder Professionals, who do you want us to kill?” Vaggie asked as she picked up the work phone: an awkward monstrosity shaped like a horse.

“Hey, Vaggie, it’s Vortex. Sorry to use the work number, I lost my phone.”

“Oh, I’ll give you my number after this. What’s up?”

“Listen, I got tickets to Verosika’s concert tonight. They were supposed to be for my girlfriend and some of her friends, but they had to cancel at the last minute.
You want them? It’s got backstage passes and everything.”

“Uh…”

Vaggie remembered what happened last time she had fallen under Verosika’s music.
Two dead and she had to be snapped out of it by an outside force.

“If you’re worried about falling under her spell, that was a special case because of your boss’s bet with her.”

“How many people?”

“I got three. Might be able to wrangle a fourth, if you need it.”

“Lemme make some calls, and I’ll call you back. What’s your new number?”

——-

“Howdy, it’s Sallie May.”

“Hey, it’s Vaggie, I-“

“We hidin’ another body?”

“No, no, I have tickets to go see Verosika Mayday tonight? If you’re able to, do you want to go?

“This a date?”

“No, I mean-“

“Don’t worry, you ain’t my type,” Sallie May chuckled.
“You invite anyone else?”

“Just another friend. Maybe. If she agrees.”

“No Millie or Moxxie? Or your boss?”

“No, they’re on their own date.
Blitzo….who knows with him.
Anyway, you in? I know this might not be your type of music, but…”

“Sure. She’s got a few good songs, an’ I ain’t sayin’ no to free tickets.”

“No murders.”

“No murders that you know of,” Sallie May chuckled.

“Great, I’ll be there to pick you up.”

——-

The music of Folly of the First Man drowned out the screaming.

Her mother was at it again.

Father wasn’t home, he was dealing with another issue at hand.
He still had duties, regardless of everything.

So it was the two of them.
And the imp servants, but they were doing their best to avoid Mother during her rampage.

Last thing any of them wanted was to be used as a target for-

The song she was listening to abruptly cut off as her ringtone sounded off.

Octavia glanced down at the name and choked.

Vaggie’s name stared back at her.

“Vaggie? Calling me? Oh…oh!”

Octavia panicked for a moment and fumbled with the phone as she sat up.

“Alright, you got this.” She said to herself.

“Breathe.
This has to be perfect.”

Octavia cleared her throat and answered her phone.

“Heeeeeyyyyy Bitch!”

She paused, utterly mortified. Only one thought ran through her mind and it took everything she had to not say it out loud:

Shit.

“….I think I have the wrong number, sorry.” Vaggie apologized.

“No! Nonononono, this is an Octavia, hi,” she quickly and awkwardly clarified.

“Right….Well, this is Vaggie. You know, with I.M.P. And my boss and your dad….”

“Right.”

“And, I know it might not be your thing, but I have tickets to go see Verosika Mayday and-“

“I’m in!”

“Great, I’ll come get you in about an hour.”

“Sure! Great! See you then!”

“B-“

Octavia hung up mid farewell.

“Yes!…” she pumped her fist and fell back into her bed, laughing.

Realization sunk in and her eyes widened in horror.

“….is this a date? She didn’t say if anyone else would be there.
What do I wear?
…..oh Satan, I’m meeting a pop star, too.”

——-

Octavia stood outside, waiting.

In the end, she decided to just wear her usual clothes.
Mother said nothing: when she tried to tell her, she had just thrown a pot at the door and Octavia quickly retreated.
She did send a quick text to her father, but he hadn’t responded.
She did mention it to one of the servants, who promised to follow up.

Which led to now.
The waiting unknown.

…..actually, when it came down to it, She wasn’t even sure how much older Vaggie was.

She was sure she was at least twenty.

The I.M.P. Van appeared in front of her. The side door opened from the inside, and revealed a taller than average imp, her hair tied back and wearing a tattered jeans and a black top.

“Howdy!”

Vaggie leaned over and stuck her head in the passenger window.

“Hey Octavia, glad you could come.”

“Oh, uh…I didn’t know there were going to be more people.”

“I thought I mentioned it. If that makes you uncomfortable, it’s fine. You don’t have-“

“IT’S THAT FUCKING VAN!”

A window shattered and a heavy wooden stool clanged off the top of the van.

“Nevermind, let’s go!”

Octavia scrambled into the van as another stool landed where she was standing. The van sped off as Stella screamed at it and hurled another chair.

“That’s your Mom?” Sallie May chuckled, “seems like a handful.”

“You have no idea,” Octavia grumbled as she laid on the back seat.

Octavia sat back up and looked at Sallie May.

“Don’t think we’ve met. Sallie May. My sister’s Vaggie’s coworker.”

“Octavia, we’re….my dad is having sex with her boss.”

“….eh,” Sallie May shrugged, “ain’t the weirdest way to meet someone”.

“Yeah,” Vaggie chuckled.

“How did you get tickets to see Verosika Mayday?” Octavia asked.

“I made friends with her bodyguard. Nice guy.”

“How’s you do that?”

“Had him at spear point because he threatened my boss.”

Octavia stared at Vaggie, while Sallie May laughed.

“Helluva story.”

“Is being an adult really just threats, violence and weird sex?”

“Murder,”

Octavia awkwardly stared at Sallie May.

“Is…is that a joke?”

“Only if they can’t prove it.”

——-

“Right, Vortex said to meet him here.”

“In a dark alleyway probably filled with knifey stabby homeless people,” Octavia snarked.

Sallie May said nothing as she kicked a body behind a dumpster.

The back door opened up and Vortex stuck his head out.

“Hey, Vags, you made it.”

“Hey Vortex, this is Octavia and Sallie May.”

“Hi,”

“Howdy,”

“Hello ladies. Anyway, let’s get you guys inside and get your bracelets on,”

Vortex motioned for them to enter. The three followed him through the backstage, weaving around assistants, workers, techs and others as they scrambled around to get everything in place.

“Are we meeting Verosika now?” Octavia asked.

“No, she’s…warming up. The meet and greet is after the concert.”

“She fuckin’?”

“You have no idea,” Vortex sighed.

——-

It turned out the seats were right in the front. Vortex had warned them all that things could get rowdy and if they needed to get out of there, just motion to one of the guards and give him the safe word.

“Drinks?” Sallie May held up a couple of bottles, “they’re sealed.”

“Where did you even get those?”

“Snuck’em in.”

“….yeah sure,”

Sallie May flicked her thumb and popped the top.

“…wait, can you drink?”

“Eh,” Octavia shrugged as she took the bottle.

“It’s a party, let’er go.”

The three clinched their bottles together and took a swing.

“This….this is bad,” Vaggie made a face.

“That’s Wrath Ring beer fer yah. Taste the same goin’ in and out.”

Octavia gagged and spat it out.

The lights dimmed as Octavia handed her beer to Sallie May.

Stage lights flickered on and focused on a figure at the center of the stage.

Verosika stepped forward and smiled at the crowd.

“WHAT IS UP MEAT CANYON? YOU READY TO PARTY TONIGHT!?”

The crowds cheering deafened the three.

“YOU KNOW WHAT THIS IS, LEMME HEAR YOUR INNUENDO!”

Music began as the cheering continued.

“Vulcanize the whoopee stick/
In the ham wallet/“

Vaggie vaguely hoped all of the songs weren’t as bad as Vacay to Bonetown.

——-

She was wrong.

They were worse.

Definitely not Vaggie’s type of music, but the drinks were free and everyone else seemed to be having a good time.

Sallie May had wandered off into the rest of the crowd.

Octavia was cheering and dancing with another part of the crowd.
She honestly wasn’t sure how much was actual enthusiasm or alcohol.

Music was…not really her thing.
Or at least this kind.

Heaven had music, from the stupid song Saint Peter sang to bigger groups of Winners, to Adam’s rock numbers and various other genres.

Vaggie preferred punk. Something not necessarily unusual in heaven, but not as common.

The underlying antiauthoritarian nature of the genre didn’t go over well with anyone who wasn’t Adam.

But in Hell?
Hell was fine with it.

She had discovered a few bands on her own: Screaming Succubi, Hell’s Belles, Spookshow International and Dead Ramones.

Millie had introduced a few more-

“YOU KNOW THIS SONG!” Verosika announced, “NOW DO IT, MOTHERFUCKERS!”

The crowd broke out in a chant as the music built up.

By the time she actually started singing the crowd had been whipped up into a frenzy, as cheers, sex and screaming drowned out part of the son-

All of Vaggie’s thoughts were abruptly cut off as Octavia grabbed her and kissed her.

The two stood in stunned silence.

A moment passed.
Then another.

Octavia’s eyes widened in shock as what she had done finally dawned on her.

She opened her mouth to say something….

And vomited all over Vaggie.

——-

“I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry….”

“It’s….well, it’s done. Nothing you can do about it now.”

Vaggie stepped out of the back room, wearing an oversized Verosika T-shirt and pants. Her hair was tied back, away from her face and still damp from water. An extra bandana was tied around her head, and covered her missing eye.

Vortex handed Octavia another water bottle and she downed it.

“Best we can do right now, you ok to go back out?”

“I guess. Octavia?”

“I didn’t think I had that much to drink.”

“It’s the party atmosphere,” Vortex chuckled, “I’ve seen worse.”

“Right!” Octavia laughed awkwardly.

“You just got caught up in the moment,” Vaggie agreed.

“Sorry,”

“Stop apologizing, it’s ok.”

“I ruined your nice clothes.”

“I can get more. Let’s just go back and enjoy the rest of the concert.”

——

The rest of the concert wasn’t too bad. No more alcohol, so no more embarrassing moments.

Backstage was fine.

The rest of her group was there, and they quickly struck up a conversation with Octavia and Sallie May.

“Dunno why, but the Boss wants to talk to you alone,” Vortex shrugged.

“I have an idea and it’s probably my boss.”

“….yeah, right.”

The two paused by the door.

“Good luck.”

Vortex knocked and opened it. Vaggie entered the dressing room and took in the scene:

The succubus sat at a table, water bottles, alcohol, and glasses in front of her. She looked up, clearly exhausted from performing.

“Nice shirt,”

“Oh, uh, thanks. Vortex lent it to me.”

“Yeah, I figured. Hard to miss someone getting covered in vomit in the front row.”

An awkward silence filled the room. Verosika broke it as she grabbed a bottle and topped off two glasses.

“Here.”

“Thanks.”

Verosika held hers up in a mock toast and downed it. Vaggie followed suit.

“Not your scene?” Verosika asked, “I noticed you never really danced or got into it like the others.”

“I’m not really into Pop. I did like some of them, like-“

“Everybody’s Fucking in a Limousine.”

“Yeah, that was catchy. Seemed a bit out of place with the others.”

“I tried branching out a little. Not one of my better attempts.”

Silence returned.

“Look, I know-“

“You should get away from Blitz-O while you still can.” Verosika interrupted her.

Vaggie paused.

“What?”

“You don’t want to be stuck with him. I’m hiring.”

“I’m flattered, but I’m fine.”

Verosika poured herself another drink and downed it.

“No, seriously.”

“Look, I know you guys broke up because….”

“Because he spent all my fucking money on Horseriding lessons. We broke up because he’s a self-centered jackass who pushes people away.”

“…he’s-“

“How long have you known him?”

“What?”

“How long have you known him?”

Vaggie paused.

“About five years?”

Verosika paused.

“Huh. I thought it would have been less.”

“Look, we’re not dating or anything. He’s my boss…and roommate.”

“Tex said you said he’s your dad.”

“He calls himself that. When he found me I was in a bad spot.”

Verosika refilled Vaggie’s drink.

“Look, we were together for years. I thought I loved him. I thought I meant something to him. I’m not pretending I was perfect. I had issues, we had fights, we argued, but everyone does that.

We broke up because of what he did.
He freaked out and pushed me away. Maybe I didn’t handle it as well as I should have.”

Verosika looked at Vaggie.

“Do you have any idea what it’s like to be betrayed by someone you loved and trusted? Someone you thought felt the same about you?”

The muscles twitched in the empty eye socket and Vaggie rubbed it.

“Yeah. Yeah I do.”

Verosika paused again and softened.

“Sorry, I didn’t know.”

“It’s not something I like to talk about. Blitzo doesn’t know.”

Vaggie paused and took a breath.

“I’m not lying when I say Blitzo saved me. I was left for dead in a back alleyway and for reasons that I still don’t know, he chose to save me.

He brought me back to his apartment and helped me.
I owe him for that.”

Vaggie took a drink. Verosika topped off her glass.

“I’m not going to pretend he’s not a jackass and moron. He fucks up. A lot.”

“No shit.”

“But I still care for him. And he still cares about me.”

Verosika bit her tongue and sighed.

“But just to let you know, when he inevitably does fuck up…My offer still stands.”

“I’ll keep it in mind.”

“For what it’s worth, I don’t hold anything against you over the fucking parking spot. My problem is with Blitz-O.”

“It’s a stupid thing to fight over.”

“When you hate someone, you don’t care how petty it is,”

The two downed their glasses.

“Anyway, enough about him. Let’s go meet your other friends.”

“Right.”

The two left the dressing room and returned to the backstage area: a bright red Octavia sat surrounded by most of Verosika’s entourage, while Sallie May sat to the side, talking with two female succubi.

“….How old is she?”

“….Seventeen?”

Verosika turned to look at Vaggie, dumbfounded.

“You brought a kid?”

“Nobody said there were any age limits!”

“I sing about people fucking each others brains out!”

“A lot of people do!”

Verosika groaned and turned to her groupies.

“HEY! SLUTS!” Verosika barked, “she’s only seventeen.”

There was an awkward pause.

Then most of the succubi and incubi backed off. A short, chubby succubi patted Octavia on the back.

“Next year, honey.”

Chapter Text

There it was.

The harsh, unpleasant scent that followed Angel everywhere he went.

It was on Charlie.

“What did you do?” Loona growled.

“It’s nothing, I-“

“What did you do?” She repeated, “you smell…smell like Angel.”

“I just tried to visit him at work, tried to get Valentino to-“

“You what?”

“I thought if I spoke with him, he might take it easy on Angel.”

“Charlie, he’s a Vee. He makes porn, he exploits the shit out of people.”

“I know, I…”

Charlie sighed and collapsed on the couch.

“I fucked up.”

“Yeah.”

“You know, it’s my job to tell people blunt, hurtful truths,” Husk called out from the bar.

“I can do it too,”

“She’s been doing it longer,” Charlie added, “Loona’s always been there to ground me.”

Husk scoffed and went back to cleaning a glass.

“Look, Charlie, you meant well,” Loona trailed off.

“But I don’t think it’s working with Angel.”

“What? No, he’s-“

“He’s still doing drugs and getting fucked. Has he made any efforts to improve? Even Sir Pentious is making more progress and he’s been here for less time.”

“We just have to give him time and space. We can’t force him-“

“How much time and space is enough? Face it, if he doesn’t make an effort, we’re going to have to ask him to leave.”

Charlie’s face fell.

“I still believe in your dream. But if they don’t want to help themselves, it doesn’t matter what we do.”

“I need some time. And to write a plan for tomorrow about respecting boundaries.
…..
And some apology letters.”

Charlie quickly turned around and all but ran off.

“Charlie…” Loona trailed off.

Loona growled and made her way to the bar.

“Helluva speech.” Husk growled.

“You know I’m not wrong.”

“Not wrong isn’t the same right. But I agree with your point.”

Husk placed a glass down and poured a drink.

“Was I too hard?”

“I said it before, Princess is a bleeding heart who wants to solve other people’s problems…even if they don’t want to.”

“Angel keeps pissing people off.”

“He keeps putting up a front. The way he interacts with everyone? All he’s got is his porn.”

Loona downed her drink.

“That’s what you think?”

“Believe me, I know a thing or two about putting up a front.”

Loona growled and pushed her glass forward.

“I’ll talk to him when he gets back.”

“About what?” Husk asked as he poured another drink.

“About how serious he is.”

———

“FUCK YOU! Have fun bein’ a lonely piece of shit!”

Angel stormed away from the bar, only for a hand to come down on his shoulder.

“We need to talk. Now,” Loona growled.

“Fuck off, Furball, I-“

A low, dangerous growl escaped Loona.

“I said, we need to talk.”

“Fine! You wanna talk? Fuck you and fu-“

Angel was cut off as the hellhound grabbed him and pinned him against the wall with one hand.

“Fuck!”

“Listen to me. I have had it up to here with all your bullshit. If you’re really serious about trying to become a better person, fucking prove it. I-“

“Loona! No!”

Charlie grabbed her arm.

“Put him down!”

She snorted and released the sinner.

“Fuck! Everyone’s on my case today, everyone thinkin’ they can fix all of my problems! Well fuck all of you!” Angel ranted as he got back to his feet.

“I’m goin’ out! Maybe I won’t come back!! You’d all like that, huh?”

Angel stormed out of the hotel.

“Wait Angel!”

The door slammed in Charlie’s face.

“…Charlie-“

“Why?”

Charlie whirled around, her eyes a dark red, and horns jutted out of her head.

“You don’t think he can change?”

“I think if he wanted to, he’d put the fucking effort into it!”

“I told you, we’re not forcing them! Let them go at their own pace! FUCK!”

The horns vanished as Charlie’s eyes returned to normal. She staggered over and collapsed on a sofa.

“Charlie, I…”

Loona walked over and sat next to her.

“I’m sorry. I fucked up.”

“Lot of that going around.” Husk snarked.

“Husk, you are part of this too.” Charlie snapped.

Loona and Husk stared at her uncharacteristic outburst.

“We all fucked up. I got into his business when I shouldn’t have, you kept pushing his buttons and you just threatened and belittled him.”

Awkward silence settled.

“Husk, let’s go look for him,” Loona got up.

“Me? Why me?”

“Because he might listen to one of us.”

——-

Pentagram City stank.

Old booze, old blood, trash, sex, food, rot, gunpowder, explosives, body odor and more.

Loona had already tried several bars and had gotten into a fight at nearly all of them.

She just-

“Oi cunt!”

An arm came down around Loona’s shoulder and the familiar smell of stale beer, gunpowder and burning filled her nostrils.

A cyclops woman stared back at her with a mouth full of sharp teeth, a massive messy mane of pink hair with a long ponytail.

“Cherri.”

“‘As right! What brings ya around t’day?”

“….I fucked up trying to do the right thing.”

“…well, shit,” Cherri let go of Loona, “y’wanna talk about it?”

“….fuck, sure, whatever. I need a break.”

“Attagirl!”

——

The bar smelt like piss and stale beer.

Loona downed her drink anyway.

“Right then, what’s messin’ with yer noggin?”

“….I pissed off Charlie,”

“The girly y’crushin’ on? Princess a hell? Done fucked up then.”

Cherri took a sip of her drink as Loona looked at her, startled.

“How did-“

“Girlie, it’s all over yer mug when you talk about her,” Cherri laughed.

“But that’s yer problem. Don’t care who you wanna shag,”

“Look, I messed up. Charlie just came back smelling like Angel does and…”

“Y’lost it,” Cherri’s tone shifted from jovial to serious.

“Yeah.”

“Means Valentino got his mitts on her.”

“Yeah. She went to talk to Valentino and came back upset.”

“Shit,” Cherri downed her drink.

“Then Angel got back, Husk pissed him off and…and I kind of just got pissed off at Angel.”

“Valentino probably ran’m ragged after Princess left.”

“It’s just…he’s not trying. He just takes advantage of the hotel and her generosity and it just pisses me off.”

“…y’ know, I haven’t seen’m much since he decided a give the redemption stuff a shot. Miss raisin’ Hell.
He always put on a brave face, but you know how Valentino treats people.”

“…yeah. He treats them like a slave.”

“Right,” Cherri motioned for another drink.

“An’ it puts him through the ringer. Y’really think bein’ at the beck an’ call of a psychopathic freak is all piss and rainbows?”

“…no.”

“I mean, if you got picked up by some crazy asshole with a power fetish…you’d be in the same place as he is.”

Loona paused as she got another drink.

“Think I was wrong?”

“Nah, sometimes y’needa kick’m right in the clangahs to help’m get their head on straight. Wouldn’t hurt to apologize anyway.”

Cherri paused to finish her drink.

“Anyway, ‘nuff chitchat, finish yer drink. I’m tired a just talkin’ bout those assholes, let’s go blow some of their shit up.”

“Now you’re talking.”

“Best way ta deal with an asshole you can’t touch? Fuck their shit up.”

——

Loona stared at the scene in front of her.

A sobbing Charlie clung to Angel as he awkwardly stood there exchanging glances with the equally confused Husk.

“Oh thank Fuck, Loona, I think this is yours.”

Loona walked over and peeled Charlie off of him.

“Alright, I think you need to have a sit down.”

Loona hauled Charlie over to the sofa and placed her down gently.

“He forgave me,” Charlie sobbed, “it’s so beautiful…”

“….”

Loona sighed and went back over to the two.

“Angel Dust, I’m sorry. I’m…”

“Hey, look, I get it. You’re just doing your job, and…well, I ain’t exactly making it easy.”

“Yeah. I’ll try to be better about it.”

“Same.”

Loona’s response was cut off as something latched itself to her.

“The two of you made up!” Charlie sobbed as she squeezed Loona, “that’s wonderful! It’s…it’s just been a great time!”

“….alright, time to put you to sleep,” Loona grunted.

Angel and Husk stared dumbfounded at her.

“Not like that. Let’s get you to bed, Missy.”

Loona grunted as she awkwardly dragged Charlie along.

As they made their way up, Loon paused to make sure they were alone.

“Charlie, I’m sorry. Sometimes….sometimes I’m just rough.”

“I know.”

“I want to help. I want to make sure it all works out, I just…”

Loona sighed.

“I just go overboard.”

“It’s ok, we all just…” Charlie trailed off.

“We all just kind of lost it today,” Loona finished.

“Yeah.”

“Now can you let me go and walk on your own, or am I going to have to keep dragging you?”

Charlie blushed as she let go of Loona and got to her feet.

“I’m ok, you can…do whatever you need to do.”

“Thanks Charlie,”

With that two two went their separate ways.

Chapter Text

“Another party?” Vaggie repeated.

“Yeah, my girlfriend throws great ones. She’s a bit more exclusive, but if you want to invite someone else…”

“Ah…no, no it’s fine.”

“Right, it’s at….”

——

“Hey, there you are!” Vortex waved, “Ready to party?”

“It can’t be worse than the last one,”

The two entered the mansion as Vaggie took in the scene: imps, succubi, hellhounds and Hellborn of all shapes and sizes, all chatting, eating, drinking and partying.

“Hey! Everybody meet the new face!”

Vortex howled, and the others quickly joined in, howling, cheering, and making other general loud noises.

“You want a drink?”

“Yeah, I’ll-“

“Nah, nah, you stay and mingle.”

Vaggie awkwardly stopped as Vortex made his way through the crowd.

What the Hell was she supposed to talk about?
All she knew was killing people.

Almost everytime she did anything with Sallie May, dead bodies were involved.

And Octavia was-“

“It is you!”

A female voice snapped her out of her thoughts: a short smooth haired black and tan Hellhound excitedly grabbed Vaggie’s hands.

“Uh…? Hi?”

“Holy shit, I didn’t think we’d see you again,”

“Uh…”

“Mimi! Mari!” The Hellhound turned away and barked.

Two other short Hellhounds appeared next to her.

“No way, it’s the Vomit girl.” The fluffy white one stated.

“…what.”

“Pepper, show her.”

The lead Hellhound took out her phone and fiddled with it.

“At the Verosika Mayday show at Meat Canyon… here!”

She held out her phone: a voxstagram photo of Octavia vomiting onto Vaggie.

“…Fuck.”

“Yeah, it went viral. Fucking hilarious!”

“….You aren’t going to vomit on me, are-“

“What? No, fuck, that’s gross and shit. We just want a picture.”

Vaggie paused.

“Weird, but ok?”

“Yes!” The lead Hellhound, Pepper, cheered.

The three swarmed around her and yanked out their phones.

“Smile!”

Vaggie flashed an awkward grin as the phones went off.

“Nice! We’ll talk again later, uh….”

“Vaggie.”

“Yeah, that!” The black and white Hellhound with big ears nodded.

The three vanished into the crowd and left the dumbstruck Vaggie behind.

“They kind of weird, aren’t they?” Another voice asked.

Vaggie turned around to see a Poodle Hellhound flanked by a Dalmatian and another hellhound.

“Most people are,” Vaggie shrugged.

“Yeah, well…better not to hang around people like them.”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“Pssh, you know….Losers.”

Vaggie paused.

“Yeah, fuck that.”

Vaggie waved them off and wandered off.

“What’s that about?” The poodle asked her friends.

“Whoa, Vaggie, you ok?”

Vaggie glanced to her side: Vortex stood there, drinks in hand.

“Kinda, yeah, just…”

“Here.”

“Thanks.”

Vaggie took the drink as the lights dimmed and Microphone feedback filled the room.

“How’re all my dirty bitches tonight?!” A female voice called out.

A tall, multi armed hellhound appeared atop the disco ball: her tail and mane fluttered wildly, independently of her movements.

“Y’all ready to party with the Queen Bee of Glu-tto-ny? Come on!”

Vaggie’s blood turned to ice as Beelzebub twirled around the ball and the audience cheered.

“LET’S GET IT STARTED!”

Music began as she began to sing.

“I…you..”

“Hrm? Yeah, I don't usually mention it because it freaks people out,” Vortex stated, “like you’re doing now.”

“Most people aren’t dating one of the Sins.”

“Yeah, but Bee is chill. She gets it.”

“I-“

“Really. Just…just stick around and met her, ok?”

“….alright.”

——-

“Fuck, I am not getting this crap out of my hair,” Vaggie tried vainly to scrape the cotton candy off of her.

“It’s harder when it gets into all your hair,” Vortex grumbled.

Beelzebub appeared next to Vortex.

“Fuuuck, I think I went a little too hard on the confetti this time. Though… I feel like I have a rainbow in my vagina right now.”

She paused and looked at Vaggie.

“Oh, this must be the girl you were talking about! The crazy one with the spear who threatened you and killed a giant fish?”

“Uh…”

“Hah! Don’t worry about it, babe, it’s fine.” Beelzebub laughed.

“Couldn’t have been that dangerous if he end up giving you my Verosika tickets and invited you here.”

“Well…”

“Nah, don’t think about it, just enjoy yourself. Tex mentioned you don’t get out much?”

“…yeah.”

“Well, just enjoy this little itty bitty party. Would’ve made it bigger but I couldn’t get Belle to let me into her stash of drugs. Like, the really really good shit. She fucking changed the locks on me.”

“Anyway, Bee, this is Vaggie. Vaggie, Bee.”

“Uh-huh,” Vaggie could only awkwardly nod.

“Pffft, c’mon bitch, lighten up a bit. Let it out. We got plenty of beer.
Get crunk, touch somebody’s junk, get drunk…
Do whatever the fuck you wanna do, alright?”

Beelzebub paused.

“Except kill anyone. It’s not that kind of party. Gotta talk to Satan about that, and it’s been awkward because I told him he’s got nice abs and shit and he’s hot as fuck.
But you, he’s kinda like a brother to me.”

Beelzebub shrugged.

“Anyway, catch up to you later Maggie!”

“It’s Vaggie….” She trailed off as Beelzebub disappeared into the crowd.

——

It wasn’t terrible.

More drinking.
More food.
More partying.
More-

“Taking a break?”

Vaggie looked up from her drink as Beelzebub slid into the seat next to her.

“Yeah, it’s…a lot.”

“Pfft, of course it’s a lot, it’s a fucking party.”

Vaggie took a drink.

“But I guess it’s not the kind of shit you’re used to back up in heaven, huh?”

Vaggie choked on her drink and dropped the bottle.

“Take a breather girl, I got you.”

Beelzebub patted Vaggie on the back with one hand as she conjured up another bottle.

Panic raced through Vaggie’s mind as she weighed her options.
She-

“C’mon girl, don’t be stupid.” Beelzebub laughed.

“Even if you did manage to beat me, you’re surrounded by every fucker in Hell,” her voice dropped to a harsh whisper.
“Be smart.”

Vaggie paused.
She took a breath and downed most of the offered bottle in one go.

“That’s the shit!” Beelzebub cheered.

“…what do you want?”

“To talk. You know, chat, little bit of girl on girl that isn’t the kind Anyone is going to pay attention to.
You know, the kind to help lift that uncomfortable truth load off your tits and stuff.”

Beelzebub paused as she summoned her own bottle.

“That is, if you want.”

“…All right.”

“There we go!
So the big one…how in the high flying fuck did you end up here and slumming it with an imp assassination business?”

“…I was an Exorcist.”

“Well, duh, not a whole lot of people running around with spears.
I mean, you kind of stick out, you don’t really look like any of the Hellborn, Sinners can’t move around, so you’re either a weird ass hybrid, or an Angel.
And believe me, you still smell like one.
But ignore all that, go on.”

“I…I decided to spare a child sinner. My superiors did not like that and…”

“They cut out your eye and your wings.”

“…yeah.”

“And the imp guy found you, what’s his name….Bryce or Brandon or Blame or something?”

“Blitzo. The O is silent.”

Beelzebub paused.

“There’s no fucking “O” in Blitz.”

“I don’t know, he just does it that way.”

Vaggie finished off her drink and Beelzebub handed her another.

“I don’t know why he did it. I don’t even think he knows why he decided to save me from dying in an alleyway.
So…
I owe him. A lot.”

“Damn girl, that’s a lot of shit.
I mean, I’m not an Angel or shit, it’s really fucking complicated over what exactly I am, but still.
Screwed over because you had a change of heart.”

“…yeah.”

“But you kill people and shit, right? How do you figure that?”

“I…I keep telling myself it’s for a better reason. The humans we kill are going to go to Hell anyway, and demons trying to kill us are fair game.
I heard the Princess founded some kind rehabilitation center and-“

“Oh yeah, I heard Charlie did that. Like, good for her and shit, but I’m the fucking embodiment of gluttony. I ain’t supporting that.
Like, you gotta give up the shit you like doing to try and be better.”

“And I figured if she is at least giving them a chance, then everyone I kill has a chance.”

“You think it’s gonna work?”

Vaggie paused.

“No, not really. But it makes me feel better.”

“Yeah, well…we are who we are. I ain’t judging you for shit.”

She patted Vaggie on the back again.

“You’re at least trying to be a better person.”

“…thanks.”

“It’s fucking hard to try and become a better person, I mean look at me.
I used to be what people think that Gluttony was supposed to be.
Made me happy as fuck.”

Beelzebub pulled Vaggie close and spun her around.

“But now look at this shit. People are happy and indulging, even if it’s only for a little while.
And that’s what I want to see out of you, more fucking indulging. Go beat that little Hellhound’s ass in a drinking competition. Go flirt with that weird asshole in the corner and kick him to the curb if he ain’t got that swagger.
And hey,
If you got more shit you gotta get out of your system, and it’s all the shit you can’t talk to anyone else about…give me a call.
I hope you find your peace.”

“…thanks, Beelze-“

“Fuck, call me Bee, everyone does.”

Beelzebub trailed off as the music got louder.

“Oh fuck, I love this song. You gotta dance with me.”

“Wait, I-“

Beelzebub yanked her out of her seat and dragged her to the middle of the room.

“You party fucks know the words! Sing along!
I hear your hea-aaa-art beat to the beat of the drum/“

She paused as everyone in the room clapped their hands twice.

“Oh what a shame that you came here with some~one/
So while you’re here in my arms/
Let’s make the most of the night like we’re going to die young!/“

——

The taxi dropped her off exactly where she was supposed to be.

Bee had promised they were prompt, professional and if they screwed up she would eat the drivers herself.

Vaggie wasn’t sure if she was serious about that last part.

She saw the van in the parking lot and figured Blitzo must have been back from his…whatever he had been doing that night.

Stalking Moxxie and Millie at some nightclub or something.

By now he should be asleep…..

And she was instantly proven wrong as she opened the apartment door;

“Hey Vagina, I…wweho’s the other two? Did you get a twin when I wasn’t looking?”

Blitzo slurred and dropped the bottle he was holding.

“….how drunk are you?”

“Not enough.”

Vaggie winced as Blitzo threw up over the dishes in the sink and slumped to the ground.

“Fuck, I had a shitty shitty day.”

“….let’s just get you to bed.”

Vaggie picked him off the ground and carried him to the bedroom. She placed him on the covers and dumped out a trash can.

“Use that if you gotta throw up.”

“Fuck, Fizz is right. I’m going to die old, wrinkly, alone and stupid.
….You going to be there with me, Vags?”

“Uh..”

“I fucking knew it. I will die alone and,-“ Blitzo trailed off into unintelligible mumbling.

Vaggie paused.

“I’ll be there, Blitzo.”

She pulled the blanket over him and began to walk to the door.

She paused for a moment.
Then she turned around and sat on the bed, near the imp.

“….Blitzo, listen.
I…I don’t think I’ve ever properly thanked you for everything you’ve done, and you deserve to know the truth.”

Vaggie paused.

“I’m not a Sinner. I’m not a demon, or part of royalty or whatever else you think I might be.
I’m not even from Hell.
I’m….
I’m an Angel.
An Exorcist.

When you found me, I had betrayed them by sparing a sinner and it cost me my eye, my wings, my….
My purpose. My reason for existing.

You helped me find a new purpose, new people, new relationships, new everything.

I have people to talk to about things that aren’t just murdering everyone we see.
Mostly.
I’ve never been to a concert, or a theme park or party before now.

It’s…
It’s weird for me to say that I’m being a better fucking person here in Hell than the person I was in Heaven.

And it’s because of you, so thank you, Bl-“

Vaggie was cut off as Blitzo loudly snorted and snored.

She stared at him, clearly annoyed.

With a sigh, Vaggie got off the bed and headed to the door. She flicked off the lights and paused.

“Good night, Blitzo.”

She closed the door behind her and walked away.

Blitzo slowly opened his eyes and stared at the door.

Chapter Text

She fucking hated what was coming.

She hated the set up, she hated telling them, she hated the fact she knew exactly what kind of crap they would get into trying to get ready and most importantly…

She hated him.

She hated the fact that she even brought him up as an option.

Charlie’s panicked rant made Loona bring up the only real option they had and she hated that.

Hated.
Hated.

She hated how Lucifer smelt of apples, rubber, and loneliness.

Hated.

Now he was going to be here in about half an hour and-

“What the fuck is that sign?”

Loona jabbed a claw at the banner in Razzle and Dazzle’s hooves.

“Wellcum Daddy? Angel, what the fuck?”

“It wasn’t me! It was the Egg Boiz!”

“We spell good, see?”

Two of them held up another banner:

HABBY DAZE AT TEH HABZON WHOLETELL

“….whatever, too late now. Sorry.”

“To be fair, I would have,” Angel winked.

Loona growled and stalked off. As she made her way through the Hotel, the scent of static and swamp filled her nostrils.

“Well, hard at work, my dear pooch?” Alastor grinned as he slid up behind her.

“You.”

“And we are certain the Devil himself will be in Our midst today?”

“You better behave.”

“Me?” Alastor mockingly placed his hand against his chest, taken aback by the accusation.

“Whatever do you mean?”

“You know exactly what I mean,” Loona growled, “Don’t fucking antagonize him.”

“Such language, but to be expected by a mutt,” Alastor tutted.
“But very well, I promise no uncharacteristic outburst from me while your master is around.”

“….I can read between the lines, Alastor.”

“Of course you can.”

With a bow, he vanished into the shadows.

Loona hated him.

The question was going to be who she hated more.

——

“Ok everybody, it’s showtime!”

Charlie opened the door. A short man in a white suit burst through and embraced her.

“Charlie!”

“Hey da- ack!”

She was cut off as he tightened his embrace.

“That’s the big guy in charge?” Angel whispered to Loona.

“Metaphorically.”

“It’s so good to see you again!”

“It’s good to see you again too, Dad.”

Lucifer released Charlie.

“Anyway, welcome to the Hazbin Hotel!”

Several of the Egg Boiz released their party poppers. One of them opened it the wrong way, covering himself in confetti. Keekee curled up against Lucifer’s leg.

“Oh! Hewwo KeeKee!” He cooed as she crouched down and scratched the cat’s head.

He stood back up as Razzle and Dazzle flew up to him.

“Razzle. Dazzle. Oh, look how much you haven’t grown. Still funsized. You two taking care of my widdle girl?
You better be”

As he got back up, he turned to Loona.

“Aww, there’s my widdle Woony-Toony. Still around and keeping an eye on my baby girl?”

“I told you, I-“

Loona was cut off as Lucifer stuffed a dog treat in her mouth and scratched under her jaw.

“Aww, you just keep being a good girl.”

He reached into his pockets and dropped a handful of dog treats into her hands.

“Well! This place certainly is…hrm.”

Lucifer awkwardly made eye contact with Niffty as she offered him a cookie.

“Uh, well, ah, huh….it’s got a lot of character!”

He laughed and walked off as Loona swallowed.

“No wonder you didn’t want him here,” Husk muttered.

“You have no fucking idea,” Loona grumbled as she popped another dog treat in her mouth.

“…you really going to eat those?”

“It means I’m less likely to-“

“Haha! Fuck you.”

“….oh for fuck’s sake,” Loona dumped all of the dog treats onto Razzle and growled.

“Well, how about you show me your other friends?”

Lucifer and Charlie turned their attention to the others in the hotel as Loona approached Alastor.

“I did promise no uncharacteristic outbursts,” Alastor reminded her.

“I can see you’re trying to start a pathetic little baby dick waving contest with Lucifer over Charlie’s affections.”

“Well, my dear, sure you know all about that.”

Loona paused.

“Anyway, let’s get back to the show…”

“Hello! I clean,” Nifty laughed as the chandelier fell to the ground, barely missing Lucifer.

The King of Hell paused and sighed.

“Alright then….”

Music began to sound as the lights changed.

“…oh fuck,” Loona groaned.

“Musical number?” Angel asked.

“Musical number,” Loona sighed, “Husk, I need a drink.”

“Way ahead of you,”

Husk passed out glasses and poured out a shot.

“…is…is this normal for him?” Angel asked.

“Yeah.”

“He’s the big dick in charge and he uses all his powers for musical numbers?”

“Yeah.”

“Who’s been with you since day one?/
Who’s been faithful as a nun?/“

“Oh fuck, now he’s doing it!” Husk groaned.

“….where isss the music even coming from?” Sir Pentious looked around.

“Is that the piano?” Angel asked.

Loona threw her glass across the room.

“Fuck! They’re going to make us put that back!” She swore.

“….where did he get an Accordion?”

“…y’know, if the two got into a fight, who do you think would win?” Angel asked.

“Lucifer.” Loona stated.

“The Devil.” Sir Pentious agreed.

“Lucifer.” Husk began to chug from the bottle.

“Nah, I’d win.” One of the Eggboiz nodded.

“Can you butt out of my song?/“

“Your song? I started it!/“

“I’m singing it, I’ll finish it!/“

“Oh you tacky piece of-“

“IT’S ME!/“

The hotel doors slammed open, and startled everyone: a short, fat sinner entered.

“YES, IT’S ME!/
I KNOW YOU ALL WERE WAI-AAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!”

She screamed in terror and panic as Loona pounced on her and began to maul her.

“Loona, No!” Charlie yelled.

The Helhound paused, her teeth deep in the sinner’s arm. After a moment she dropped the sinner.

“Sorry, the noise, the colors, I…I panicked.”

“It’s ok.”

“No it’s not!” The sinner got off the floor,
“Fuck! Husker, bring me something so I can tie this off!”

“I’m…I’m just going to go,”

“Loona, wait-“

Before Charlie could finish, Loona slipped out the door.

“….Who is this? Another one of your other friends?”

——

Stupid.
Stupid.
Fucking goddamn stupid.

She had already been on edge due to Lucifer coming to visit and because she knew Alastor would want to get up to something stupid.
Something she knew Charlie would be ok with because she only assumed the best in people.

And she-

“Hey boss, that bitch is part of that stupid hotel,” a Shark demon called out.

Loona stopped and growled.

“Yeah, so? She ain’t the one we’re looking for,”

“The fat bitch said she was going there, we should ask,”

“Fuck off.”

Loona turned away. A clammy hand came down on her shoulder.

“We gotta talk, bi-“

Loona lashed out and kicked the shark demon away.

“That Mimzy Bitch can wait, take care of her!”

Several of the sharks opened fire as Loona dove out of the way and took cover. She tore through a nearby shark mobster and hurled part of his corpse at another.

“Fuck, maybe I ca-“

Loona was cut off as something exploded. Several of the sharks screamed as another explosion sounded.

“HEY FUCKHEADS! THINK YOU CAN MESS WITH MY CUNT?”

Loona peeked over her cover as a Cherri Bomb appeared and hurled another explosive at the crowd.

“HEY BITCH!” Cherri grinned, “fine fucking mess you got yourself inta!”

“It’s not my fault for once.”

“Tell me after!”

Loona whirled around and dodged a Shark mobster’s knife. She tore through his face with her claws and tackled him to the ground before ripping out his throat with her teeth.

“Got you bitch!”

Another Shark appeared with a gun and he took aim.
Before he could pull the trigger or Loona could react, his head exploded into red mist.

“Mamaguevo!”

Loona looked up to see a grey-skinned one-eyed woman with a shotgun. She tensed up.

The smell of blood, gunpowder, and something unfamiliar filled her nose.
Not the unfamiliar smell that hung on Alastor and Angel, but something different.

“Name’s Vaggie. I’m with Cherri, talk later, kill the fuckers first.”

Vaggie opened fire again and blew a hole in another Shark gangster. She quickly reloaded as Loona snatched up the dead shark’s gun and opened fire. Cherri laughed as she hurled another bomb under a car and it exploded. Loona tossed the empty gun aside as a large shark mobster charged her.

“Catch!”

Vaggie tossed her spear at Loona, who snatched it out of the air and drove it through another shark. With a twist she sliced through the shark’s head and spun it around. Loona proceeded to slice her way through another Shark mobster before impaling a third on the spear.

“Shit, this thing is amazing.”

“Duck!”

Loona hit the ground and rolled away as Vaggie opened fire again.

“Cherri, now’s a good time to set off the big one!”

“Yeah, I’m done with these fucks!”

Cherri reached into her boot and yanked something off. She tore the top of it off and hurled it in the air at the Shark Gangsters. As they watched it, she turned around and ran.

“Good time ta fuck off!”

Vaggie grabbed Loona off the ground and threw her over her shoulder as she ran.

“I can fucking run!”

“Duck an’ cover girls!”

“I-“

Loona was cut off as Cherri and Vaggie ducked around an alley. The shockwaves of the explosion shot past them and knocked them off their feet and onto the ground.

After a moment Vaggie sat back up.

“Christ on a stick, what the fuck did you throw at them?”

“New one. One helluva firecracker!” Cherri laughed as she got back up.

“C’mon, let’s get a drink.”

——-

She wasn’t sure what to make of the new girl.

Cherri was a Hellraiser, an Asskicker, a firecracker, and the new girl didn’t seem to fit that.

“So…” Vaggie trailed off.

“Who the fuck are you?” Loona asked.

“Ah, fuck. Loona, this is Vaggie, Vaggie, Loona. Vags works in the murder business an’ buys explosives from me here and there.
Loona’s at the Princess’s little project.”

“…huh.”

“Oh…”

Vaggie paused awkwardly.

“Probably sent a lot of sinners your way.”

“No, they’re just hiding in Pride. Fuckers don’t try.”

“Sorry,” Vaggie took a sip of her drink.

“Don’t worry about it,” Loona paused, “it’s hard.”

“I can imagine,”

“Fuck, talk about something fun!” Cherri complained.

“Like why th’Fuck were all of those assholes after ya?”

“I don’t know. They said they were looking for someone named….Mimi or Mitzy or something and that she was going to the hotel.”

“….hrm. You get anyone new?”

“No, just…” Loona trailed off.

“Just the one I kind of maimed today.”

The three sat in awkward silence.

Then Cherri laughed.

“Startled you something good then?”

“Look, Charlie’s dad came over,”

“Oh shit, the Big Boss huh?”

“….huh,” Vaggie took a drink.

“Between him, Alastor, getting everyone ready, I’ve just been on edge.”

“So she shows up, you’re on edge and…” Vaggie trailed off.

“She kicked in the door and started singing.”

“….what?”

“Lucifer and Alastor were in a dick measuring musical duel over who’s a better father figure.”

Awkward silence filled the space.
All three began to laugh.

“I’m sorry, but that’s…” Vaggie paused to catch her breath.

“Fucking Hilarious, that’s what,” Cherri laughed.

“Shit, when it’s out like that, it is,” Loona laughed.

“Listen, it’s nice meeting you, I have to get back to the office.”

Vaggie got up and rummaged through her pockets.

“Here,” Vaggie handed a card to Loona, “I don’t know if you’re ever going to need someone like us, but…”

“Wouldn’t hurt,” Loona took the card and looked at it.
“Immediate Murder Professionals? Seriously?”

“My boss is an idiot. Maybe I’ll see you around.”

With that, Vaggie left. Loona downed the rest of her drink.

“I need to head back, there’s people I need to apologize to.”

She left the table.

“Oh fine, stick me with the fucking bill again,” Cherri huffed.
“Fuck, gimme another!”

——

Loona paused and entered the hotel.

“What did I-“

She was hushed as she walked into the scene of Lucifer and Charlie embracing.

“Aww, that was sweet,” Sir Pentious sighed.

“Alright, I can get you the meeting, but once you’re in heaven, I can’t go with you. Will you be ok?”

“Of course, Dad.”

“That’s my girl.”

Lucifer let go of his daughter and stepped back.

“Good luck, Kiddo.”

With that he vanished into red mist. Loona continued into the lobby and came up to Charlie.

“Charlie, I’m…sorry about earlier. The stress of everything just….it just got to me.”

“It’s ok,” Charlie smiled, “did you hear everything?”

“Yeah, your dad’s going to try and set up a meeting with Heaven.”

Loona placed a paw on Charlie’s shoulder.

“You ready?”

“Of course, it’s not like I’m going alone.”

“You’re taking Angel?”

“No, you’re going with me!”

Loona paused.

“Crap.”

Chapter Text

She passed through the office.

The Imp was passed out on the sofa, bottle on the ground next to him.

The other two were nowhere in sight.

Good.

She didn’t want to deal with any of them asking why she was there.

Home was a nightmare, after her Father officially began to proceed with the divorce.

Mother had left for her Uncle Andrealphus’ home, and Father had hired movers to throw everything that wasn’t his or hers into a moving truck.

He had forgotten tonight was Azathoth’s Tears.
The meteor shower he had hyped up for years.
The one he had promised they would see all those years ago.

And he forgot.
Divorce and years of bitterness between them, finally came to a head and ruined it.

But she was still going to see Azathoth’s Tears.

She pushed the photo of I.M.P. To the side and found the safe.

She paused.

“It’s 1-2-3-4.” She muttered to herself as she punched in the code and opened it.

Something embedded itself in the wall next to her, and caused her to squawk in fear and fall over.

“…Fuck! Octavia?”

Octavia looked up: Vaggie placed her shotgun back on her back as she walked over to her.

“I thought you were breaking in to steal stuff.”

Vaggie paused and looked at the safe.

“I mean, I guess you kind of were.”

“It’s not stealing if it’s just getting your things back,”

Vaggie offered a hand and Octavia took it.

“Something wrong?” She asked as she help the teenager back to her feet.

“…a lot of things are wrong.”

Vaggie paused and yanked her spear out of the wall.

“I’m going to be honest, I’m not the best with family stuff, but do you want to talk about it?”

“…not here. I Don’t want the Imp to hear any of it.”

“Ok. What did you need the Grimoire for anyway?”

“Have you heard of Azathoth’s Tears? It’s a rare meteorological phenomenon that happens every thousand years.”

Octavia took a seat on the chair.

“When I was a child, he promised we would get to see it together. But now he’s…”

“He forgot.”

“Yeah. If I can’t see it with him, then I’m going myself.”

Vaggie held the Grimoire in her hand.

“Do you know how to use this?”

“I…yes.”

Vaggie gave her a knowing look.

“….no,” Octavius quickly backtracked.

“I can’t let you go off on your own, if something goes wrong, we might never be able to find you.”

“Can you use it?”

“I’ve only used it to go to Earth. And more importantly, even if you could use it, I still wouldn’t let you go by yourself witho-“

“I’m hiring you to be my bodyguard for this,” Octavia interrupted.

Vaggie paused.

“That way, someone with more experience is there. If something goes wrong, I have protection and you’re a responsible adult.”

“The bodyguard thing we did at Looloo land was a one-off… but you’re right.”

Vaggie held out the Grimoire to Octavia.

“I’m not much of a teacher though, so we’re just going to have to see-“

Octavia took the Grimoire and held it to her chest.

“Take us to see the stars.”

A purple pentagram appeared on the floor around them and a portal opened.

“You ready?”

Vaggie held out a hand.

“You traveled by portal before? Keep your eyes open, it’s amazing.”

Octavia took her hand and the two vanished.

——

Vaggie landed on her feet, hand near her weapon.

“Octavia, how are….”

She trailed off at the scene behind her. Octavia laid face down on the pavement, the body of a man under her.

“Ok, got to work on your landing.”

Vaggie helped Octavia off the corpse.

“Well, for all we know he was already like that when you landed on him.”

The two quickly surveyed their surroundings; stars emblazoned on the ground, drunks throwing up, people in weird costumes and others.

“….this..this is not space.”

“No. It’s fucking Holly’s Wood,” Vaggie groaned, “No este lugar otra vez….”

“You’ve been here before?”

“Once. To kill someone,”

“Hey!” A fat man dressed as a clown approached the two of them, “Get your own space, this on is-“

Vaggie backhanded him and he went down unconscious.

“This asshole again,”

She grabbed Octavia’s hand and led the Goetia into an alleyway.

“We need disguises, do you know that spell?”

“What? No.”

Vaggie stared at her.

“He promised me he would, but we never got around to it.”

“Ok, just…just don’t complain about what you look like.”

With a gesture, Vaggie used her disguise spell. Octavia reached into her pocket and pulled out her phone. She swiped to camera mode and flipped it out into selfie mode:

A pale teenager with long dark hair, and her familiar dress and jacket stared back at her.

“I look hideous,” Octavia made a disgusted face.

“I can’t control what it makes other people look like,”

Octavia turned to look at where Vaggie stood: a stockier, dark skinned woman with dirty blonde hair. Scars ran across her missing eye which was covered by a grey eyepatch. She was dressed in jeans, a t-shirt and leather jacket.

Vaggie pulled out her phone and looked at herself.

“….well, it’s better than my last one.”

“You can change your look?”

“My last human disguise was recognized by a bunch of assholes who hunt people like us. Had to work on a new one.”

The two left the alleyway and made their way down the street.
Octavia looked at everything around her: protestors waving signs with slogans, someone crudely dressed up as some sort of animal, hordes of people with cameras snapping at every little thing they saw, and others.

“This is ridiculous, how are we supposed to see anything here?”

“What did you say?”

“I said, this is ridiculous-“

“No, when you cast the spell. What did you say?”

“Take us to see the stars.”

“And what do you see around you?”

“A bunch of humans.”

“No, look down,”

Vaggie pointed at the ground.

The two paused and looked over some of them.

“What kind of stupid name is Barrett Weed?” Octavia asked.

“This one says Stephanie Beatriz.”

“What’s your point?”

Vaggie turned to look at Octavia.

“These are human Movie Stars.”

Octavia stared dumbfounded.

“…that’s…that’s not what I meant.”

“What you mean and what you say are two different things when it comes to magic,” Vaggie stopped at a cart.

“Give me two.”

“So what, we’re going to have to wait until I get the wording right?”

“Probably,” Vaggie held out a drink, “Boba?”

Octavia groaned and took the cup.

“So what, we’re stuck here until I get it right?”

Octavia took a sip of her drink and paused.

“This is actually pretty good.”

“What time is the meteor shower at?”

“Not until…”

Octavia pulled out her phone and checked.

“Until tonight.”

“We could just kill time until then,”

“In the human world?” Octavia scoffed.

“Unless you want to go back to your parents.”

“Nevermind,”

Octavia gestured at a man painted gold.

“Like, what’s this?”

“An Asshole who wants money because he’s doing shit,” Vaggie chucked her empty cup into his suitcase.

“What’s this?” Octavia gestured at two young men filming each other throwing things at people walking by.

“Assholes filming themselves doing dumb shit.”

One of the men tossed a five pound weight at Octavia. Vaggie snatched it out of the air and hurled it back at him. The weight slammed into one of the men’s groin and he collapsed screaming.

“….is this a human thing?”

“Yeah,”

“….what’s this?”

Octavia led the two towards a store and looked at the sign.

“Star Owl.”

“Wanna look inside? It’s all just cheap tourist crap, but still.”

“…I should probably send my dad a message.”

“I’m sure he’ll figure it out.”

——

“My daughter is missing, the grimoire is gone and you have the gall to tell me not to worry?!?” Stolas screeched.

“Look, that thing was hidden and locked away where no one would find it! And you know who else isn’t here? Vaggie!”

“Are you suggesting your coworker-“

“And daughter!”

“-took the Grimoire and Octavia on…on some sort of adventure? What if she took her to an assassination, did you think of that?”

“M & M are on a mission, I Don’t have shit on the calendar otherwise.”

“And you trust her?”

“She’s my daughter, asshole!” Blitzo jabbed a finger into Stolas’ chest.

“That doesn’t mean anything to me! You think just because she killed some imps at Loo Loo Land and took my daughter to some concert that means I should trust her? I barely know her!”

“Octavia trusts her. You trust her, don’t you?”

Stolas paused.

“Of course I do, but-“

“Then wait. And text her or something, I dropped my phone in the toilet after I took a massive Sh-“

“Why are you telling me this?”

——

Earth was….

Earth was fucking weird.

Hell was weird, but that was just how it was.

Earth was like it was trying to be Hell and failing.

They had visited the shop, then a zoo; Octavia was utterly confused that the animals didn’t try to eat the visitors and that they were soft to the touch.
She had also learned she wasn’t supposed to screech back at the owls, but they had started it by calling her a long-legged whore.

Which brought them to now.

Octavia poked at the thing before her.

“How can they eat this thing?”

“You’ve had burgers before.”

“Not like this. I can smell the plastics and chemicals in it,”

“I don’t have that much human money on me,” Vaggie sighed.

“It’s just…it’s more chemicals and fillers than human beef.”

“If you’re not going to eat it, just give it to me.”

Octavia grimaced and took a bite of the burger.
As she chewed her expression lit up and she quickly wolfed down the rest of it.

“….you ok?”

“It’s delicious.”

Vaggie checked her watch.

“We should find a place to try again, I think you’ll get it this time.”

“I want like, five of these to go.”

A phone dinged. Octavia fished out her phone and checked it.

“I just got a text from my dad?”

“What’s it say?”

“….he’s asking where I am and if you’re there.”

“Just tell him we’re in the human world and safe.”

—-

“Why the devil would she be in the human world?” Stolas furiously typed away at his phone.

“Maybe she needed a break from you and your wife.”

“Over what? We’re ending it!”

Blitzo paused.

“Breakups are hard on the kids. Losing parent-“

“She’s still alive!”

“That doesn’t matter! A big change like that can affect the kids. Christ on a stick, it made my sister an asshole and….well, look at me.”

Stolas paused.

“I still need to ask her why.”

——-

“Alright, let’s try this again.”

Vaggie stepped back as Octavia opened the Grimoire. The two were in an out of the way alleyway, disguises still up.

“Remember, be specific. Saying something like “I want to see the meteor shower” is likely going to send us to any meteor shower.”

Vaggie paused.

“Or worse, something weird and stupid that’s tangentially connected.”

“So if I say something like, “Take us to Azathoth’s Tears”…”

“It will probably work.”

Octavia stared at her.

“I mean, it should.”

“What if I said something like “take us to a place where we can watch the Azathoth’s Tears Meteor shower”?”

“The more specific the better probably. Let’s go with that.”

Octavia opened the Grimoire as Vaggie pulled out her spear.

“….really?”

“Just in case.”

Octavia took a breath.

“Take us to a place where we can watch the Azathoth’s Tears meteor shower together.”

The Grimoire glowed as pentagrams appeared and a portal opened up.

“Here we go.”

The two stepped through the portal and reappeared on an asteroid. Vaggie paused and took in her surroundings: planetary bodies, stars, asteroids and more in the sky around here, clear as day.

“….amazing.” Vaggie stated as their disguises vanished.

“It worked! Yes!”

Octavia dropped the grimoire and embraced Vaggie.

“Thank you!”

“Hey, you did all the work yourself,” Vaggie patted her on the back.

Octavia let go and looked around.

“It’s just like where Father used to take me…”

Vaggie paused and took a breath.

“You wanna talk about it?”

“Hmm?”

“Octavia, you broke into our office, snuck past Blitzo and tried to take the grimoire on a joyride without telling anyone anything.”

“I told you, I-“

“Why?”

Octavia paused and sat.

“You know how to ruin a mood.”

“I know.”

Vaggie took a seat next to her and looked up. Asteroids passed by.

“It’s…it’s just the divorce. They at least put up front when I was younger. Part of me just thought everything was fine and the Imp ruined everything.

But the truth is that it never was fine to start with.”

Octavia paused.

“I just want to go back to a time where everything was ok.
When they didn’t hate each other.
But now I think that time never existed.”

Vaggie paused.

“I kind of know how that feels.
I…I thought I had a good relationship with…with people I used to work with.
We were like sisters, comrades in arms, everything.

I made a choice to be better and they revealed that whatever friendship we had was…was fake.”

“How is that like this?”

Vaggie thought for a moment.

“Our relationship wasn’t what I thought it was. It’s not the same. Prince Stolas still cares for you, I didn’t have that.”

“He never tried looking for me.”

“You’re here with me. Even if he doesn’t trust me, Blitzo does.
If you ran off without saying anything to anyone, that would be a different story. If that was the case, I don’t doubt that he would be raising Hell and tearing up the place looking for you.”

Octavia rested her head on her knees.

“Easy for you to say.”

Awkward silence filled the air as the two watched the skies.

“Look, people make mistakes. They screw up. They lose sight of those around them and sometimes just get lost in their wants and desires, and…”

Vaggie trailed off.

“He loves you, you know that, right?”

“What?”

“Think about it. He stayed with your mom this whole time. And… well, the only things I really known about her is what Blitzo, your dad and you say,”

“She threw things at your van.”

“The van represents everything she hates. Has she thrown anything at you?”

“….once, but she apologized,”

“She cares about you enough to do that.”

Vaggie sighed.

“Just give him a chance. People are flawed. People screw up. It’s your chance to grow just as much as it’s their chance to show you what they really care about.”

Vaggie turned to look at her.

“You’re mad at him now, but don’t let that guide you for the rest of your life.”

“…what did you do? With your problem?”

“….I don’t want to talk about it.”

“It might help me.”

Vaggie paused.

“This is what I did after. Blitzo found me bleeding out in an alleyway, and I don’t regret it.”

Octavia took a deep breath.

“There’s something else I want to talk about,” Octavia stated, “I-“

“You have a crush on me.”

Octavia stared at her.

“You’re not exactly subtle. You blush when you look at me, and then there was the whole thing at the Verosika concert.
I thought it was just the alcohol and atmosphere, but the more I think about it….”

Octavia groaned.

“Look, you’re seventeen. It’s fine. You just need to find someone better than me.”

“I don’t want someone better,”

“I’m not someone you want to be involved with.”

“Why?”

“It’s complicated.”

“I’m not a child.”

“You’re throwing a fit over your parents divorcing, you are a child,” Vaggie countered.

Awkward silence settled.

“But so far all I’ve been talking about is accepting people screw up and that things change,” Vaggie continued, “People keep secrets from you, and I’m doing that as well.”

Vaggie turned to look at Octavia.

“I just need you to promise that you’re not going to freak out over what I say.”

“I promise.”

“I told you Blitzo found me dying in an alleyway, but not why I was there.”

“You said your last boss left you for dead because you had a change of heart.”

“And that’s true.”

Vaggie took a deep breath.

“I’m an Exorcist. Or I was.
I came down every year to kill the Sinners and by all accounts I was good at my job.
Then I spared someone.”

“Why?”

“I don’t know. I think I just got sick of it. They’re people. Flawed people. Selfish people. Sick people. They’re still people.
That change of heart is what made me fall.”

Vaggie pointed at her eyepatch.

“My immediate superior, the one who I trusted and thought of as a comrade, as family, cut out my eye and tore off my wings. Then she took my halo and gave it to my…her boss.”

Vaggie paused.

“They left me for dead. Blitzo found me and here we are.”

Vaggie turned to look at Octavia, who only stared back slack jawed.

“People can change for the better. I still kill people, sure, but I tell myself it’s different. I only kill the Hellborn to protect people I care about and any human I kill has a chance to redeem themselves at the Princess’s Hotel.”

“….that’s why you didn’t want to say anything.” Octavia said quietly.

“I can’t imagine what people would do if they found out there was another Angel running around in Hell.”

“Who else knows?”

“Beelzebub. I went to one of her parties and she figured it out. But she promised not to say anything. She could have made a big deal out of it, but she confronted me in a quiet spot, kept it quiet and I trust her.”

“….you didn’t even tell Blitzo?”

“I want to, believe me. He absolutely deserves to know the truth, but….but I don’t know if he’s ready.”

Silence returned.

“I’m sorry, I-“

“No, I was going to have to tell you sooner or later, I just figured your dad would be there when I did it.”

“…you’re not going to kill me, are you?”

“What? No! Octavia, you are my friend. I trust you. I wouldn’t tell you if I didn’t.”

“…I feel so stupid.”

“You’re a teenager, you didn’t know. Even when you become an adult, there’s going to be plenty of people keeping secrets. Sometimes it’s to protect you. Sometimes they’re ashamed of what they did and don’t want to show it.”

Vaggie paused.

“It can be difficult to admit to things you’re not proud of, especially if it hurts people you care about.
Your dad tried to keep the marriage together because he wanted you to be happy and well adjusted. Maybe he hated the marriage and thought it was a mistake, but he loves you.”

“…..this is hard.”

“Nobody said you had to accept it all at once. Take your time to figure it out and process it.”

Vaggie stood back up and stretched.

“Anyway, what time does this start, and should we call your dad?”

“….I would like to just sit for a while.”

“I can-“

“Please stay.”

Vaggie moved closer to Octavia and sat back down. After a moment, she put an arm around her.

Chapter Text

“Loona, come on!” Charlie begged.

“Th’ Hell’s goin’ on there?”

Angel jabbed a thumb at the scene behind him: a shivering Loona latched onto a pillar as Charlie desperately pulled at her.

“She’s taking Loona as her plus one to heaven,” Husk sighed.

“….shit, I was tired as fuck from all of the fucks, but this is hilarious.”

Husk pushed a drink towards Angel.

“….why doesn’t Charlie just take someone else?”

“She wants to make a good impression,” Husk downed a drink.

“Doesn’t answer my question.”

“You think any of us will be a better pick?”

Angel paused.

“Yeah, fair.”

The wall exploded. A startled Loona yelped and released the pillar.

“Got you!” Charlie snatched Loona and hoisted her over her shoulder.

“Fucking hilarious,” Angel yanked out his phone and snapped a picture.

“I swear to fuck, it’s always that wall!” Husk yelled.

As the smoke and dust cleared, a figure stepped through.

“WHAT’S UP, CUNTS?”

“Holy shit, Cherri Bomb!” Angel yelled.

“You’ve just been textin’ me depressin’ shit all day, whaddya say we go an paint the town red?”

“Maybe later, I’m exhaust-“

“You can sleep when you’re dead.”

Cherri glanced to the side.

“….th’ fuck are you doin’ Loona? Finally letting th’ Princess-“

“It’s nothing!” Loona yelled as she began to wiggle around.

“Charlie, put me down.”

“Hi! Charlie Morningstar, you’re one of Angel’s friends? He usually doesn’t bring anyone around-“

“Wonder why.”

“And you’re Loona’s friend too? Wow, I didn’t know she had friends!”

Cherri gave Loona a look.

“Y’don’t know much ‘bout your girlie, huh?” Cherri said cryptically.

“What?”

“Anyway, I’m just here for Angel. I don’t really give a shit about-“

Charlie handed Cherri a wad of cash.

“-about getting to know the rest of the fucks that Angel and Loona know!”

“Wait, how do you know Cherri?” Angel looked at Loona.

“We fought a bit.”

“And you didn’t say anything to me?” Angel turned to Cherri.

“We don’t hang out as much,” She shrugged.

“Make sure you have fun! And be responsible!”

A portal opened up. Loona’s ears drooped, but before she could react, Charlie grabbed her and walked through the portal.

It vanished as everyone watched.

“….so you got any hilariously embarrassing stories ‘bout Loona?” Angel asked.

“If I talk ‘bout hers, I gotta tell her ‘bout yours.”

“Nevermind.”

“AH HA! My old Nemesis!” Sir Pentious appeared.

“Ah, Fuck, the geezer.”
——-

Heaven stunk.

It smelt of powerful artificial smells trying desperately to mask a stronger, harsher, natural scent.

Like whenever Husk or Angel had to clean up. Neither did a good job, and it always left something behind.

It put her on the edge.

“No, come on. You need to set a good example. They’re going to judge every little thing you do,” Loona muttered to herself.

“Did you say something?”

“…no.”

The two stopped before a podium. A moment later a distressingly white man in a blue vest, white robes and a large set of wings popped out from behind it.
He smelt of Fresh Bread, morning dew and something else Loona couldn’t place.

“Hiya! Welcome to Heaven! Can I get a name?”

“Oh, uh…Charlie. Charlie Morningstar.”

“….hrm.” He began to scan the book in front of him.
“Morningstar, Morningstar…lemme see, Morningbreakfast, Morningborne, Mornington, Morningmingeworthy, wow that one is a mouthful, I’m not seeing anything.”

“Her dad is Lucifer. Lucifer Morningstar. You know, the Devil?” Loona added.

The man made a face.

“Oh, shit, that sucks.”

An awkward beat passed and the man’s expression changed to embarrassment

“I mean, uh, I think you might be a little lost? I-“

“It’s all right, we’ll take it from here.” A Woman’s voice called out.

Loona sniffed the air and froze as she looked up: a tall, Bird-like woman and smaller white mass of wings appeared before them and changed shape: a tall, grey skinned woman and shorter, younger grey skinned woman stood before them.

The smaller one smelt like sugar, flowers and comfort.
Loona frowned at the scent around the taller one: cheap florals trying to cover up blood and something else.

“Welcome, Daughter of Morningstar and…” the tall one paused as she looked at Loona, “and Pet?”

A low growl escaped Loona.

“I am Sera, the High Seraphim of Heaven. You are gifted to be here.”

“Hi! I’m Emily, the other Seraphim! You can call me Emily, Em, E, whatever you want!”

Emily turned her attention to Loona.

“Awww, a puppy!”

“I have a name, it’s Loonaaaaaah….”

Her complaint stretched out into a satisfied sigh as Emily began to use both of her hands to scratch behind Loona’s ears and her throat. Her tail began to wag happily as a goofy smile appeared on her face.

“Aww, you are so cute!”

“Emily, please.” Sera stated.

“Sorry, later, ok Loona?” Emily gave Loona a final pat on the head as Saint Peter took to the air.

“Dearly Beloved, it is my pleasure to say on thee…”

——

It was ridiculous how much Loona had enjoyed the musical.
It had to be something about Heaven, or the Seraphim, or…

Or just Emily.

Emily was Heaven’s version of Charlie.

She had made Loona feel welcome.

Which is why the three of them were at a zoo.

The animals were soft.

They didn’t rampage and try to eat the visitors.

They looked well-fed and happy.

Loona didn’t see any other Hellhounds shoved in cages.

And the Tasmanian Tiger, Hokkaido Wolf and Poi Dogs only said nice things to her. No screaming and swearing and calling her a bitch.

It was unnerving.

The other issue was…

The people.

Charlie seemed to blend in well enough: she was half Angel anyway, so she still resembled them.

But not Loona.

Loona had to admit she was surprised she was even able to get into Heaven to visit: she had kind of assumed that as a Hellborn, she would have either burst into flames upon entering, or just would be unable to do so.

And she guessed everyone else had expected it too.

Angels gave her weird looks as they walked by. Mothers (was there such a thing as Heavenborn, or did those that made it to heaven get to have children?) pulled their children away from her. Couples moved to the side. Some angels kept giving her dirty looks, and Loona wondered if they were Exorcist out of uniform.

Charlie and Emily didn’t notice.

That sort of thing was beneath them.

Loona looked over the side of the animal enclosure.

“What is that thing?”

“It’s a Moa! They’re flightless birds that were hunted to extinction because they were easy to catch!” Emily beamed.

“….are all the animals in Heaven just extinct on Earth?”

“Not all of them, we also get regular animals, like the Koalas!”

“You have Koalas?” Charlie beamed.

“All the Koalas in Hell are filled with Chlamydia,” Loona grumbled.

“We don’t have that here,” Emily paused, “Do you guys want to go and hug one? The Petting zoo is open!”

“Let’s go!”

“We only have a few hours until the meeting, we-“

Loona stopped as she smelt the air.

It was back.

The smell of Angelic Steel, Demon Blood and something familiar.

It had been following them around since they had arrived.

The smell of an exorcist.

——

The Courtroom was filled with high ranking angels, all watching. All judging.

“Oh no, not him,” Charlie whispered.

“Heeeey Bitch!” Adam, the head Exorcist waved at her.

“see you went to my manager. What the fuck, Karen,”

“You were the ones following us around,” Loona growled.

“Duh. We got demons on the loose,”
Adam shrugged.

“Not to mention someone had to keep an eye on a wild animal.” The woman to Adam’s left stated.

Loona only growled. The woman grimaced before she and Adam flew up to take a seat.

“We are gathered here today to determine whether or not a soul in Hell can be redeemed into the Heavenly Realm by this…” Sera paused,
“Hazbin Hotel?”

“Correct.”

“Right, by this Hazbin Hotel. Princess Morningstar?”

“Thank you, Seraphim,”

Charlie paused to clear her throat.

“Instead of trying to describe what redemption may mean, we believe it will be better to show you. We currently have two patrons making incredible progress and-“

“Yeah? Who?”

“Angel Dust and Sir Pentious,” Loona stated.

“….the Porn star and the Blowhard? That’s the best you got? Real good candidates.”

“Oh yeah?” Loona cut off Charlie’s response, “What do they have to do to then?”

Adam blinked.

“What?”

“I said, what do they have to do to get into heaven? You’re the first “man”, you ought to know.”

“……”

“Adam?” Sera asked.

“Fuck, give me a moment.”

Adam fumbled around, grumbling to himself. Loona frowned as she focused on him.

Adam smelt like barbecue, booze, and something else she couldn’t place.

But she could sense one other thing.

Panic.

“There! Have fun with this!”

A piece of paper popped up by Charlie. She snatched it out of the air and the two read it.

“…Act Selfless, Don’t steal and Stick it to the Man?”

“This is it? Really?” Loona looked back up at Adam.

He shrugged.

“Worked for me.”

“Yes, well….” Sera trailed off, “He was the first Human.”

“I bet both of them are doing that right now!”

“Charlie, no.” Loona hissed.

“Let’s find out, bitch.”

Adam snapped his fingers.
A portal opened up before them all: the staff and clientele of the Hotel at a bar drinking.

“IN FACT, I’M BUYING EVERYONE A DRINK!” Sir Pentius announced to the bar.

Loona facepalmed.

——

“See? The Porn Star chose a night of debauchery, this is not a soul worthy of heaven!”

“Objection, are you telling me you’ve never had a drink with friends after a hard day?”

“Uh…no, it’s fucking Heaven, we don’t have hard days.”

“You don’t go out with your girls after a night of extermination?” Loona snarked.

“Th…that’s different.”

“It’s a nice night of relaxation after a long work day,” Loona countered.

“Um, well, uh….”

“Give them a chance, we just have to keep watching!” Charlie butted in.

Sera paused.

“I don’t know…”

“We have to at least give him a chance,” Emily pleaded.

“Very well.”

“Fuck yeah!”

Charlie flinched as Sera gave her a look.

“Sorry, let’s just keep watching.”

“BECAUSE I’M HAVING SEX WITH EVERYONE HERE!”

“ARE YOU FUCKING SHITTING ME!” Loona snarled.

She flinched as everyone in the courtroom looked at her.

“Sorry.” Her ears dropped and tail curled between her legs.

“Alright, so the Snake was a lost cause.”

“Let’s just focus on Angel.”

——

Singing.
It always ended in singing.

Emily had turned and sided with Charlie that Sinners could change for the better, but Adam had been insistent on continuing the exterminations.

But more importantly, they had revealed they didn’t know how souls got to heaven.

And that was it.

Loona realized what that smell was.

Fear.

“You don’t know.”

“What?” Emily looked at Loona.

“You’re all afraid, that’s what that smell is!”

Loona pointed a finger at Sera.

“You don’t know if redemptions are even possible, so you just remain afraid of Hell.”

She jabbed a finger at Emily.

“You’re afraid everything you’ve known is a lie.”

She turned and looked at Adam.

“And you’re terrified.”

“Yeah, of your stupid face, bitch.”

“Keep acting like a jackass, it’s not hiding the smell. You’re terrified.”

Adam growled and leaned forward.

“I’m not scared of shit.”

“Then why move the exterminations up?”

Adam flinched.

“Why did you move them up?” Charlie asked.

“He moved them up?” Emily asked.

“They were only once a year. Now he’s made them twice a year.”

“Fuck you, I do what I want!”

“Oh, the First Man doesn’t have to explain shit because he doesn’t know.”

“Loona-“

“You think you can scare me, you fucking mutt?”

Loona only grinned.

“Yeah, well… Fuck you too,” Adam huffed.

“What are you doing!” Charlie hissed.

“He’s hiding something.”

“Why now?”

“Charlie, this is our only chance. He’s afraid of something and if we can figure it out…”

Loona turned her attention back to Adam.

“That’s it then? Best you got? You can come down to Hell and kill whoever you like because they can’t fight back?”

“Shut up!”

“Sir, don’t she’s trying to get under your skin.” The Exorcist next to him hissed.

“You really think I give a shit about a stupid Hellborn Bitch like you? Why the fuck are you even here? You can’t get into heaven!”

“He is correct…” Sera trailed off, “tell me…was it Lyta?”

“Loona,” Charie, Loona and Emily all stated at once.

“Right, Loona. Adam does have a point, the Hellborn have nothing to gain from this. Why are you helping her?”

Loona paused.

“Good people can end up in bad places.
If you don’t know what it takes for people to end up here…how do you know someone down there just needs a little more help?”

“Yeah, but what’s in it for you?”

“Just because I’m Hellborn, it doesn’t mean I can try to help people. I’m…I’m bad at it, but if I can change, why can’t they?”

“And do you honestly believe Sinners can change?” Sera continued.

“We won’t know until one does.”

“This is all just bullshit!”

“Adam…”

“No seriously, what kind of reasoning is that? Because you get to be a pamper, spoiled lapdog and live like a prized pet, that means you’ve changed? Because you got the Princess there giving you belly rubs and ear scratches?”

Adam flew down.

“Do you actually believe that crap? You’re the lowest fucking creature on the shit totem pole down in Hell, you’re just saying this shit so she doesn’t toss you back out onto the streets where you belong!”

“What the fuck do you even know? First Man gets to waltz in because there’s no rules for him to fuck up,” Loona shot back.

“Yeah? Well, Fuck. you. bitch.”

Adam stepped forward with every punctuation as he moved into Loona’s face.

“Really looking forward to skinning you alive when we burn down that stupid hotel of yours. And I’ll make sure she gets to see all of it, right in front of her ey-FUCK!”

Adam fell back, and scampered away. Loona spat out the shreds of cloth in her mouth.

“You know what, I don’t have to fucking wait, I’ll-“

“ENOUGH!”

Everyone turned to look at Sera.

“I see no evidence that redemption is possible.”

Serra paused.

“For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.”

With a gesture a portal opened up behind Charlie and Loona.

“SUCK ON THAT, BITCHES!” Adam flipped them off.

Chapter Text

“Well, what the fuck do we do now?”

Nearly everyone at the hotel was at the bar. Husk poured out drinks.

“Heaven was a bust, and now Adam is going to come down here and destroy the hotel,” Charlie groaned as she downed her shot.

“Another please.”

“Fucking Hell, you’ve had half the bottle.” Husk grumbled as he refilled her glass.

“What else am I going to do?”

“We could hide ssssomewhere and rebuild after,” Sir Pentius suggested.

“That’s just putting off the inevitable and means he’ll raze more of Hell to the ground looking for us.” Loona countered.

“We could just die, and the boss can turn us into robots after,” one of the Egg Boiz stated.

“Shut up.” Angel grumbled.

Loona perked up.

“I say we just drink. We might figure out something better,” Husk paused, “Or maybe we’ll just be so drunk we won’t give a Shi-“

“Husk, remember what you told me about the Egg Boiz?” Loona interrupted.

“….you know how little that narrows it down?”

“You told me one of them claimed someone killed an Exorcist.”

“He drank a bottle of Vodka before he said that,” Husk grumbled.

“Wait, what?” Charlie stood up and looked at Loona, Husk and Sir Pentious, “and none of you said anything?”

“I figured it was just drunken rambling.” Husk stated.

“They’re morons, I didn’t think anything of it until now,” Loona replied.

“They say insane shit all the time!” Sir Pentious added.

“Bank Accounts are a scam by the Shadow Government!”

“Aliens are real and they had sex with me!”

“None of this is real, it’s all being written by some weird asshole on the internet in Hawaii!”

“See?” Sir Pentious gestured.

“Which Egg Boi was it?” Charlie asked.

“I don’t remember, Frank Probably. He’s the only one who’s mostly put together.”

Loona paused and looked at them.

“Which one of you is Frank?”

“…we have names?” One of them asked.

“You still can’t tell them apart?” Charlie asked.

“I’m Frank!” One of them raised his hand.

“I thought I was Frank.”

“Frank, what did you see?” Charlie asked.

“The dancer lady, Camero Carfight killed one!”

“If they can be killed it means we can figure something out,” Charlie stated.

“You seriously don’t think the seven of us are going to fight an entire goddamn army?” Angel shouted.

“No, we need numbers….”

“I may be of some assistance,” Alastor slid up to Charlie.

Loona growled.

“Now, this is hardly the place to discuss such matters. Charlie? If you would please…”

Alastor offered a hand.

“Charlie…”

“Loona, I’m sorry, but we need help.” Charlie took the offered hand.

“I’m not asking for her soul for something as petty as this. Merely…a favor.” Alastor smiled as he helped her up.

Loona snorted.

“Follow me, and let’s make a deal.”

With that, the two left the hotel.

“…I hate to say it, but he’s not wrong,” Husk finally said.

“I know.”

Loona downed her drink and got up.

“I’m going to go talk with Carmilla. If she knows how to kill them, we need that information.”

Loona paused.

“We’re about to become ground zero for every damn Exorcist trying to kill us.
If none of you are here when I get back, I understand.”

“You don’t even have to be here. You’re Hellborn, they can’t touch you.” Angel stated.

“I doubt it. Adam wants everything about the Hotel razed to the ground and that means Charlie and Me.”

Loona left the bar and made her way to the front door. She paused, paw on the handle.

“I know I’ve been shitty to all of you… but thanks for everything.”

——

It was a day off.

Moxxie and Millie were off on their own.

Sallie May was busy.

Between the divorce and what had happened on earth, Octavia had asked for time alone as she figured herself out.

She hadn’t asked Vortex or Bee: figured the two of them were busy and didn’t want to bother them with something that trivial.

So that meant she was just at home with Blitzo.

“Fuck, are we really just going to lay around and drink my shitty ass beer and watch this stupid fucking thing?” Blitzo asked.

“You have a better idea?”

“Why don’t we go do something fun? Some good ol’ fashion father-daughter bonding, huh?”

“We’re not going to Loo Loo Land.”

“Fuck, I never want to go their again,” Blitz grumbled.

“You told me you were banned from the Zoos.”

“I just wanted to ride the fucking Horse. It was a Cloudsdale!”

“Going around shooting things is pointless.”

“No it’s not!” Blitzo crossed his arms and huffed.

“Blitzo, our job is literally shooting at whatever we want to. I don’t want to do that in my off time.”

“….ok, fair.”

“So the only thing to do is just wander around and see what kind of crap ends up happening.”

“Well it’s better than this!”

Blitzo sat back down and huffed.

Time passed and the two watched in silence.

“….hey, you wanna go down to the Sloth Ring and check on my sister?” Blitzo asked.

“You have a sister?”

“Oh, Christ on a stick, I never told you about her!”

——

The Carmine estate was more of a warehouse and loading dock than an actual home. Sinners and trucks came and left as Loona approached one of the loading dock bays.

“Carmilla Carmine!” Loona pounded on the door,
“I know you’re there and I know what happened last Extermination.”

The bay doors opened and Loona entered. The room was spacious, dark, and everything stunk of metal, blood and burning.

“The Princess sends her mutt? You have two minutes to give me a reason I shouldn’t just kill you.”

Loona whipped around to see Carmilla on the second floor, looking down at her.

“We know what happened. You killed an exorcist.
They’re coming for the hotel and they’re coming soon.
I don’t expect you to send men to help us or make yourself a target, but you have information we need and we need it now.
We stop them now, no one else has to suffer.
Once we’re gone, do you really think you’ll have a better chance against them?”

“Sixty seconds.”

“What else is there to say?” Loona shot back, “we can come to some sort of agreement!”

“Thirty.”

“You bitch,” Loona growled.

“I’ve heard enough.”

Carmilla leapt down from the second floor and delivered a flying kick to Loona’s face. The Hellhound tumbled backwards and rose back up onto all fours with a growl.

“If that is the best you can muster, then the hotel is doomed.”

——

Sloth was…weird?

“It’s…pink.” Vaggie stated.

“They say pink is calming or some shit.”

Goat and Sheep-like demons wandered around, many dressed in scrubs and lab coats.

“So…” Vaggie trailed off.

“Her name’s Barbie Wire. She’s always in and out of rehab for shit.”

“Why didn’t you mention her before?”

Blitzo paused.

“We’re not exactly on good terms.”

“You care enough to check up on her, though.”

“She never wants to see me. The nurse kicks my ass every time I try to.”

Vaggie stopped.

“Then why keep trying?”

“Because she’s family,” Blitzo replied without slowing down.

“Why does she hate you so much?”

Blitzo paused.

“I don’t want to talk about it. All I’m going to say is it’s my fucking fault and I don’t blame her for what she did after that.”

The two came to a stop by a large building.

“Saint An’s Hospital?”

“Rehab.”

“For?”

“H-8. Think of whatever the worst drug you can think of is, and it’s worse than that.”

“….huh.”

“Alright, so I’m actually banned from going in, so we need to sneak in,”
Blitzo stated.

“You’re what?”

——

The wounds she had inflicted were negligible, but bled and were still painful.

And it continued.

Which pissed Loona off.

With a snarl, Loona shot towards Carmilla who easily dodged the wild, inaccurate attack and nicked Loona’s ear in the process.

“You fight like a Hellhound.”

“No fucking shit.”

“That was not a complement or a statement. It was an insult.”

Loona snarled again and attacked.

“You’re reckless.”

Carmilla effortlessly dodged.

“Wild.”

Easily avoided.

“There’s no greater strategic effort or even a plan,”

Carmilla avoided the attack and kicked, jabbing the tip of her shoe into Loona’s nose. The Hellhound winced and yelped as she moved back.

“Easy prey for an Angel.”

Loona paused as she rubbed her nose. Before she could react, Carmilla shot forward again and kicked at her. Loona barely managed to dodge and rolled away.

“Angels fight ferociously and recklessly. They know you cannot harm them.”

Carmilla paused and avoided another flurry of blows.

“Like you’re doing. I’ve had my share of fights with Hellhounds and they fight viciously but recklessly.
That will get you killed against someone who knows how to fight.”

Loona paused for a moment.

“Angels have weaknesses you can take advantage of, like here.”

Carmilla lashed out again and nicked Loona’s neck.

“Here.”

A second kick to the face.

“And here”

The third kick sent Loona flying.

“What good is knowing how to kill them if you don’t know what hurts them?”

“Idiot girl, the answer is right in front of you.”

Loona got back to her feet and stared.
Carmilla smelt of metal and blood.

Something in front of her.
It clicked, just as Carmilla lashed out again.

This time, Loona managed to avoid the kick.

“Good, an old dog can learn new tricks.”

——

Vaggie rolled her eyes as Blitzo landed in the trash.
Again.
For the fifth time.

“Christ on a Stick, you are ridiculous, you know that?” Vaggie walked away.

“That’s my catchphrase, Vagina!”

She ignored him as she went around to the front of the building and entered.
She stopped at the front desk where Succubus sat, tapping away at her phone.

“Hi, I’m trying to visit a patient?”

“Name?”

“Barbie Wire? She’s….she’s a friend.”

“Tch, not a good enough reason.”

“Her brother is my…kind of sort of guardian.”

“Bitch you look like you’re twenty. And that moron is banned from here, he kept trying to break in to see her.”

“He’s still trying,” Vaggie jabbed a thumb behind her.

Without another word, Vaggie placed a handful of crumpled bills on the desk. The Succubus put down her phone and snatched one up.

“….right then. What's her name again?”

“Barbie Wire Buckzo.”

“Let me see….says she checked out months ago.”

“…Great. You know where she went?”

“Fuck if I know.”

Vaggie rolled her eye and snatched some of the bills back up.

“Thanks anyway.”

——

Loona dodged the kicks and moved back.

“Tell me, What do you fight for?”

“The hotel.”

“Is that what you tell yourself?”

Loona dodged another kick and lashed out. Carmilla dodged it with little effort and put distance between them.

“I see you driven by detestiation…/“

Loona moved in and attacked again. Another reckless swipe, one effortlessly avoided by Carmilla.

“Every stroke with animus/“

“You think so little of me that you can sing in the middle of a fight?”

With a snarl, Loona lunged at Carmilla again, who dodged.

“You need a different motivation/“

Loona attacked again, and quickly followed up the failed attack with another that Carmilla only barely avoided.

“Or there’s no way to handle this/
Yeah, your thirsting for vengeance, Loona/
You’re out for blood…/“

Carmilla moved in quickly and lashed out. Loona shifted her position slightly and caught the attack.

“But you’ll only stand a chance if you’re ou-“

With a yank, Loona pulled Carmilla off balance and toward her. Loona’s jaws snapped shut around the Overlord’s neck. Before Loona could finish, Carmilla lashed out with her other foot and drove it into Loona’s side. Loona released her and Carmilla quickly leapt back and brought her hand to her bleeding throat.

“Well done,” she smiled.

“We can keep going,” Loona growled.

“I’ve proven my point, you have something greater to defend and protect, don’t you? I’m not talking about the hotel or your sinners.
You have something to love and protect….The Princess, if I’m not mistaken.”

“How do…”

“Please, I’ve seen how you look at her.”

Loona paused.

“It is Charlie. I came here to ask you how you did it.”

“My daughters and I were caught in the aftermath. They escaped, but I was ready to go down fighting. You’re a smart girl, you can put two and two together.”

“Your shoes are Angelic Steel. I felt it every time you connected.
Angelic steel can kill Angels.”

“Indeed.”

“And after all this time, no one figured it out?”

“Those willing to fight them and those who had access to Angelic Steel are few and far between. I had little choice in the matter.”

“Then you’re willing to supply us with arms?”

“There’s barely a dozen of you there.”

“Charlie is trying to recruit an army.”

“Then I will supply them,” Carmilla smirked, “weapons, I imagine you would like something for your teeth and claws.”

Loona paused.

“What about ammunition and firearms?”

“I can do that, but I will have to charge for the higher end products. Guns aren’t cheap.”

“Then let’s make a deal,” Loona grinned.

——

The two watched the activity around them: Sir Pentious directed Cannibals in their efforts to fortify the hotel. Husk and Angel worked together as the dragged in the pallets of weapons and handed them out.

“We have an army! We have weapons! We-“

“Need to get these guys in shape to fight,” Loona chewed on a finger.

“They’re enthusiastic.”

“It’s going to help, but the Exorcist are a professional army, we…”

Loona trailed off as she realized something.

“We need professionals.”

——

“I would have gotten in that time!”

Blitz grumbled as Vaggie opened the doors to the I.M.P. office.

“She had a taser up your ass.”

“Don’t fucking kinkshame me, you vanilla bitch.”

She tossed Blitzo onto the floor and took a seat at the desk.

“Fuck, where the hell did Barbie run off to?”

“Blitzo, if she ran off without saying anything it’s because she wants to be left alone. Fuck, barging into people’s lives because you want to be a part of it is not the way to go.”

“Then what is bitch?”

Before She could respond, the phone began to ring.

“Hold that thought.”

Vaggie snatched up the phone.

“Immediate Murder Professionals, who do you want dead?
…..
Loona?”

Chapter Text

The Hotel grounds bustled with activity: a Snake-like Sinner led the Cannibals in training exercises, while a cat-like sinner sat on a rooftop, working on fortifications.

“Sir, are you sure this wasn’t a prank call or something?” Moxxie asked.

“Vags took it.”

“I met Loona once, she doesn’t seem like the kind of person to mess around like this.”

“Still…”

The hotel doors opened: a pale white blonde woman in a red suit and a Hellhound in a red suit stood there.

“Loona,” Vaggie nodded.

“Vaggie,” She nodded back, “This is Princess Charlie Morningstar.”

“Blitzo Buckzo, the O is silent. This is-“

“Vaggie,” Vaggie politely bowed.

“Moxxie Knolastname, your Highness.” Moxxie bowed, “and this is my wife-“

“Millie Knolastname, yer Highness.” Millie curtsied.

“Please, Charlie is just fine.”

“I’m Loona, her second in command.”

“Right, let’s head over here..” Charlie gestured over to a room.

“Princess, we’re pretty sure we know why we’re here. You want us to kill someone for you and that someone is probably all those flying assholes.” Blitzo stated.

“Right,” Charlie stated, “We would like to hire IMP to help defend the Hotel.”

“Your Highness, how are we supposed to even fight them? We can’t hurt them!”

“Angelic steel weapons can kill Angels.” Loona stated.

Moxxie paused. Millie and Blitzo turned to look at him, while Vaggie’s eye widened.

“Well, if Striker was going to use it to assassinate the Prince, I guess it makes sense.” Moxxie rubbed his chin.

“Sorry, what?” Charlie asked.

“Someone hired an imp to try and assassinate Prince Stolas of the Goetia with a Carmine rifle. The assassin is dead now, and I have the rifle in my possession.”

“…and nobody said anything?” Loona growled.

“Well, we never found out who hired him.” Vaggie shrugged, “but that’s not what we’re here about. The Cannibals out there, they all have Angelic weapons?”

“Right.”

“Are you at least giving us some of those, because otherwise you’re paying us to do jackshit.”

“We will provide weapons of your choice and upgrade anything you are particularly attracted to….you don’t have to raise your hand, Mrs Knolastname.” Charlie turned her attention to Millie.

“Jus’ Millie’s fine. Can I git some kinda like, attachment blades or somethin’ for my horns an’ somethin’ for my teeth? I like ta bite.”

“We can arrange that.”

“Millie!” Moxxie spun to face his wife.

“What?”

“You can’t seriously be thinking of actually taking part of this?”

“He’s right Princess, we’re assassins, not mercenaries. Being out there on the front line is out of our pay-“

“When do you want us to start?” Vaggie cut off Blitzo.

“Vaggie!” Moxxie turned away from his wife.

“Vags, we are not agreeing to this!” Blitzo jabbed a finger at her.

“She’s paying you to kill Angels!” Vaggie countered, “make an actual difference for them!”

“Oh is that what this is about? Didn’t get your fill with the last three?”

“Wait, you killed angels?” Charlie asked.

“Cherubs.” All of I.M.P. Responded in unison.

“….oh, yeah, those guys are assholes,” Loona snorted.

“And they stayed dead?” Charlie asked.

“….ya know that was unclear, but Vags did chop up their heads.” Millie replied.

“Back to the fucking point, the two of your are out of your Satan-damned minds if you think I’m going to risk my ass for a bunch of assholes,” Blitzo replied.

“I agree that is not something we’ve signed up for!”

“It’s not just about us,”Vaggie argued back.

“I jus’ wanna fight an Angel.” Millie shrugged.

Loona tuned out the argument: Blitzo smelt of Blood, gunpowder, lube and semen.
Millie and Moxxie smelt of blood, steel, cheap soap and spices.
She wasn’t entirely sure which was which.
Vaggie still smelt of blood, gunpowder and…
…..

Wait.

Loona frowned.

It seemed familiar.
Something she had ran into recently.

But where?

“And further more…” Blitzo trailed off, “what the fuck are you doing?”

Everyone awkwardly paused and stared at Loona as she got close to Vaggie and sniffed.

“Does…Does she do this to everyone?” Blitzo asked.

“No, I’ve never seen her do it before.”

“Loona? Can you stop, this is really unco-“

It clicked.

Loona swiftly moved away, tensed up.

“Vaggie? Can we talk somewhere else?” Loona carefully asked.

“…what’s this about?” Vaggie glanced at the others.

“You know exactly what.”

“Loona? What’s going on?”

“Hey Furball, if you can talk to her, you can talk to all of us about it!”

“Trust me, we can’t.” Loona stated.

“Blitzo, just let it go, I’ll go talk to her about it.” Vaggie nodded at Loona.

“What, is this about you being an Exorcist and shit? Because you’re going to have to tell everyone sooner or later?” Blitzo complained.

Everyone stared at Blitzo in shock.

“WHAT?!?!” Moxxie shrieked.

“Yer a what now?” Millie spun to face Vaggie.

“What?” Charlie stepped back, stunned.

Loona stepped forward and put herself between Charlie and Vaggie.

Vaggie only stared at Blitzo.

“You heard me?” She asked in a quiet voice.

Blitzo paused and slumped over.

“I wasn’t asleep. I heard everything you told me.”

“And you didn’t say anything?”

“You didn’t bring up shit when I was sober,”

Blitzo sighed.

“I figured you would bring it up again when you were ready.”

“And you thought you could just reveal it like this?” Vaggie hissed.

“…I-“

“You knew all this time and didn’t say anything?” Moxxie shrieked, “all this time you le-“

“ENOUGH!”

Everyone in the hotel lobby turned to look at Charlie.

“Razzle, Dazzle, escort them to my office. We’re continuing this there.”

“No offense Princess, but we got a lot of shit to deal with now and-“

Blitzo trailed off as a sheep demon appeared in front of him and growled.

“Follow them,” Charlie pointed.

A second sheep demon and gestured for IMP to follow it.

“Sir-“

“You wanna argue with the Big Dick in charge, be my guest,” Blitzo cut Moxxie off.

The four followed the sheep demons down the hall.

“Charlie…”

“Loona, you said you met Vaggie before?”

“Once. She showed up with Cherri and helped get me out of a sticky situation after your dad came to the hotel.”

“Did you notice anything then?”

“No. I just figured she was a sinner or a weird looking succubus.”

Charlie paused.

“Angel would be the last thing on anyone’s mind,” Loona noted

“That’s fair, I mean, my dad’s the only other one in Hell, I’m pretty sure we would have noticed if there was another one running around.”

“She moves through the Rings, and lives in Imp City. And we’ve been so busy with the Hotel and your dad is off doing….whatever he’s doing, it would have been easy to slip past us.”

The two paused.

“The fact that she’s been running around Hell with a bunch of Imps for…I don’t know how long means I don’t think she’s some kind of spy for Adam.” Charlie rubbed her chin.

“If she was, there’s no reason to talk to you. She could have just come in and killed you now,” Loona stated.

“Right. And that doesn’t seem like Adam’s style. He wants to do it himself.”

“Unless one of the Exorcist got their own ideas and snuck down ahead of time?”

“That wouldn’t explain all this,” Charlie tapped her foot.

“….I think…
I think she’s telling the truth. She smells like Adam and the Exorcist that was always hanging around him.”

“Why would an Exorcist fall?”

“….Charlie, are you sure you want to do this?”

“I need to know.”

Loona paused.

“I’m coming with you and I’m bringing one of the Angelic weapons with me.”

——

The office was messy.
Books were stacked up, papers scattered and everything looked like it had been in use.

Everyone sat in silence.

The doors opened: Charlie and Loona entered, a sword at Loona’s side.

“You treat all your guests like that?”

“Blitzo, shut up,” Vaggie hissed.

Charlie took a seat at the desk as Loona moved to her side.

“Razzle, Dazzle. Guard the doors, don’t let anyone in.”

The sheep nodded and flew out. The door closed gently behind them.

“Vaggie, I know this is…a sensitive topic and this is not the best way for people to find out.
But if you’re really an Angel, and I mean it, I want to hear your story.”

Vaggie paused.

“I am an Angel. I was an Exorcist. During an extermination, I had…second thoughts.”

“About?”

“It. The Exterminations. Killing people who had been Human souls and sent to Hell because of what they did or didn’t do.”

Vaggie paused again and looked up.

“Killing child sinners. I don’t even know how kids end up in Hell, do they even know why they’re there?”

“Heaven doesn’t even know what lets people go there,” Loona growled.

“What?”

“We found out that Heaven doesn’t even know what the criteria is for people to get into Heaven,” Charlie stated, “did Adam ever say anything?”

“No, he just….no. He recruited Winners to join the Exorcist, but he never said anything about how they got there.”

“Really? He found enough crazy bitches who want to fly down here and murder people for kicks?” Blitzo snarked, “the fuck would they be doing in Heaven to start with?”

“I don’t know,” Vaggie sighed.

“Please, continue.”

“Where was I?”

“You spared a child sinner.” Moxxie stated.

“Our second in command saw me do it.
I believe you’ve met her?”

“Short hair, bitchy, hangs on Adam like flies on shit?” Loona asked.

“I believe Emily said her name is Lute?” Charlie continued.

“Right, that’s her,” Vaggie nodded, “she took seeing what I did…badly.
She cut out my eye, tore off my wings and….and took my halo. As far as they cared, I was dead.”

“….Christ on a Stick, that’s when I found you,” Blitzo said quietly.

“They just left you?”

“I was injured, defenseless and slipping in and out of consciousness. My guess is they figured I would just bleed out in the alleyway and that was the end of me,” Vaggie stated.

“Mr. Buckzo-“

“Blitzo, call me Blitzo,”

“Blitzo, can you tell us what happened?”

“I’m an imp, I’m poor as shit. I was running around in the aftermath of the Extermination trying to see if there was anything I could salvage.”

“You worked for Carmine?”

“No, fuck, I don’t work for anyone. I didn’t mess with their weapons, last thing I want is getting on her bad side.”

“What were you looking for then?”

“Money, weapons, clothes in decent shape, really anything I could salvage and sell for something.”

“That’s…depressing,” Loona stated.

“Not everyone can get adopted by Lucifer. Anyway, I ran down one alleyway and found her lying in the trash. I figure she was just a lucky Sinner who was only wounded by them.”

“And you didn’t question it after she proved she could pass through the rings?”

“I didn’t think about it, I just…
Someone needed help.”

“And the two of you didn’t question it?” Charlie looked at the other two imps.

“Your Highness, we just have a job to do. I assumed she was just some sort of Succubus hybrid,” Moxxie stated, “Vaggie is a valuable coworker and friend, who has saved my life at least twice, regardless of what she is.”

“I kinda jus’ figured she was an imp-Succubus. Get a lotta weird lookin’ fellas. No offense, Vags.”

“And you just thought you could hide this forever?” Charlie turned her attention back to Vaggie.

“No. I knew I would have to admit the truth, it was just a matter of when.”

“Who else knows?”

“Beelzebub, for starters.”

“When the fuck did you meet her?” Blitzo asked.

“Aunt Bee knows?”

“I met her at a party I was invited to.
Her Boyfriend is a nice guy. I didn’t know they were dating.
She pulled me aside and brought it up.”

“What did she say?”

“She just wanted to know how and said she’d be there if I needed someone to talk to.”

Charlie nodded, “Sounds like Aunt Bee.”

“Princess Octavia of the Goetia knows as well.”

“What the fuck, you told Stolas’s kid before you tried to tell me again!?!”

“That was when she broke into the office and tried to steal the….the thing.” Vaggie quickly corrected herself.

“…oh, that. yeah,”

“Why would you tell her?” Charlie asked.

“She’s going through some shit. Perhaps you heard about her parents? Stolas and Stella?”

“Heard through the grapevine about some nobles trying to get a divorce,” Loona stated, “that them?”

“Right. We talked, I talked a lot about people keeping secrets to not hurt people they care about.
Which is why I told her. Because then at least someone was honest with her.”

Vaggie turned to look at Blitzo, Millie and Moxxie.

“Which is also why I didn’t say anything else to you guys. I didn’t want you freaking out and panicking.”

“We wouldn’t have!” Blitzo shot back.

“Moxxie would have.”

“That is true, I would have,”

“Millie would have tried to kill me.”

Millie paused and thought it over.
After a moment she shrugged.

“Fifty-fifty. Y’did save me a couple’a times.”

“Millie!”

Charlie closed her eyes and clasped her hands, deep in thought.

“Does Cherri know?” Loona asked.

“No. Unless she figured it out on her own.”

“Alright. Vaggie.”

Charlie open her eyes and put her hands on the table.

“I can understand the desire to stay hidden and quiet, but…are you sure you want to do this? I mean, defend the hotel, fight against the Exorcist?”

“I’m certain. It’s….closure?”

Vaggie got up.

“I will return. I just need to say some goodbyes.”

Vaggie looked at Blitzo, Moxxie and Millie.

“I don’t blame you if you run off. You’ve all been great friends.
Thank you for everything.”

With that, Vaggie left.

——

“…and that’s the whole story.”

Vaggie looked to the side: Sallie May sat in her own lawn chair, beer in hand.

“…Huh.”

“….that’s it? Just “huh”?”

“It’s a lotta take in. Not ta mention even if yer an Angel, y’still saved Moxxie and Millie from Stryker, y’still took me to that Verosika concert and y’still helped hide the bodies.
Y’can’t be all that bad.”

Sallie May paused to take a drink.

“An’ yer only tellin’ me all’a this because yer gonna go an die with yer boots on against the Exorcist.”

“I’m going to try and live, but yeah.”

“Ain’t got much t’say then. We can talk more once y’get back from killin’ the bastards.”

“Thanks Sallie,”

The two clinked beer bottles together and took a drink.

——

“Blitzy, what is going on? You called ahead with no warning that you wanted to meet and…”

Stolas trailed off as Blitzo held out the Grimoire.

“What is this?”

“Your book, Stolas.”

“What is going on?”

“Just take the damn book, my arms are getting tired.”

“Blitzo. What is the meaning of this?” Stolas took the book and held it under his arm.

“Look, I…” Blitzo paused.
“I took a big job. The Princess of Hell decided to hire us to help defend her Hotel against the upcoming Extermination.”

“What? Why?”

“Because….” Blitzo caught himself and coughed.

“The reason why isn’t fucking important.
I’m giving this back to you now. Because if I end up dead, then it’s not going to matter.”

Blitzo turned around and began to walk. After a moment, he paused and turned back around.

“Thanks for everything Stolas.”

——

The group of Hellhounds stared at Vaggie in various states of surprise, shock, confusion and uncertainty.

Beelzebub patted Vaggie’s shoulders.

“What the fuck, Vaggie?” Vortex asked.

“What was I supposed to do, tell you? You would have freaked out.”

“”I know, but that’s still one hell of a thing to say!”

“Look, when I said to come out and say it, I didn’t mean do it before you die,” Beelzebub rubbed her temples, “don’t get me wrong, glad you did, but not like this, babe.”

“You knew?” Vortex turned his attention to his girlfriend.

“Hello? Deadly Sin of Gluttony. Been around for a long long time, I’ve met plenty of Angels before.”

“And you didn’t say anything?”

“I keep your secrets, Tex. What, I’m supposed to tell you everyone else’s? I’m not doing it for the Drama of it all.”

Another hellhound raised her hand.

“Mari, you don’t have to do that, just ask.” Vaggie asked.

“If you’re an angel, how come you don’t have tits?” The small white hellhound asked.

Everyone paused to look at her.

“I’m just saying. Angels are supposed to have big wings and big tits, right?
Right?”

“Now is not the time, dumbass,” another hellhound next to her punched her.

“Look, just…Thanks for everything, ok?”

“You make it sound like you’re not coming back,” another Hellhound quietly said.

“I don’t know if I will.”

With that, Vaggie left.

———

She paused at the doorway to the hotel.

“I’m ready for this.”

She knocked and the door opened. A Tall, thin sinner looked at her.

“Hey, uh, you’re one of those hitmen guys Charlie was trying to hire right?” He asked.

“Yeah.”

“C’mon in, let’s get you ready.”

He moved aside as Vaggie entered.

“Charlie is at the back, she’ll know what to do.”

“Thanks…”

“Angel Dust. No problem, Toots.”

Vaggie made her way past the sinners: Cannibals armed with spears, knives, swords and melee weapons, a snake-like sinner trying to chat to Cherri Bomb.

“Wait, Cherri? What are you doing here?”

“Oh shit, Vags, Hey!” Cherri waved, “Can’t pass up a fight like this, y’know?”

“…yeah.”

“By the way, I heard a rumor that-“

“Yeah, I’m an Angel. Or ex-Angel. Fallen Angel, whatever.”

“Huh, didn’t figure you were one of those Crazy cunts that fly around killin’ everyone.
Well, fuck those assholes. If there’s one of those bitches you really fucking hate, I hope y’get to kill’em.”

“…Thanks Cherri.”

“Fuckin’ Aye.” Cherri raised her glass, “Drink later?”

“Yeah.”

Vaggie continued into the Hotel and paused.

“I’m just not sure that this is going to be enough,” Moxxie sighed as he placed more ammunition into his bag.
“I have ammo for the rifle, minigun, assault rifle, submachine guns, shotgun, pistols, revolvers, and even….”

He trailed off as he looked up.

“Oh. Vaggie.”

“What?”

Millie appeared next to her husband.

“Vaggie! Hey!”

Millie smiled revealing a mouthful of metallic teeth. She quickly ran over and embraced her coworker.

“What are you guys doing here?”

“Gettin’ ready for t’morrow, duh,” Millie rolled her eyes.
“Y’like’em? They made’m special for my teeth so I can rip their throats out.”

“I have been counting my ammunition. We ran out against those humans, so I don’t want a repeat of that again.”

“You guys didn’t have to do this,”

“What kinda friends would we be if we didn’t?”

“Vaggie, we understand that this was something difficult to talk about and despite my…reactions, we do feel that you’re an important part of our organization.
And more importantly, a good friend.
If you’re going to do this, you’re not doing it alone.”

“Couldn’t have said it better myself, Moxx.”

The three of them turned around to see Blitzo.

“…Hey.” Vaggie greeted him.

“Hey.”

Blitzo paused.

“I’m fucking sorry. I shouldn’t have done that, I was just…”

Blitzo trailed off as Vaggie hugged him.

“You fucking suck at hugging, Vagina.”

“Blitzo, it’s ok.”

“It’s not fucking ok, I said shit I shouldn’t have said. Shit that wasn’t mine to say to anyone at all.
And now we’re going to die.”

Vaggie released him.

“We’re not going to die. We’re going to live through this so I can kick your ass for revealing my secret like that.”

Everyone awkward stared at her.

“You suck at making jokes,” Blitzo complained.

“…I know.”

“We took the Liberty of picking out angelic steel weapons for you,” Moxxie stated.

Moxxie held out a double barrel shotgun.

“We tried to get it as close as we could.”

Vaggie picked it up and admired it.

“It’s great, Moxxie, thank you.”

“And for you, they didn’t have flintlocks, so we have this.”

Millie offered Blitzo a strange looking gun.

“Carmine crafted Pepperbox revolver. Holds up to six bullets, but reloading is a bit of a pain.”

Blitzo picked up the gun and looked over it.

“It’s beautiful.”

“You all came back.”

I.M.P. Spun around: Loona and Charlie stood there.

“You hired us, we’re going to get the job done.” Blitzo stated.

Charlie’s response was cut off as Cherri and Angel Dust appeared.

“Charlie, we got a situation up front,”

“They’re here already?”

“No, it’s-“

“Just come look at it!” Cherri snapped, “Vags, they asked for you.”

Everyone made their way to the front, only for a gaggle of the hotel’s defenders to block their ways

“Move please!”

“Make way”

Loona took a breath.

“MAKE A PATH, ASSHOLES!”

The group quickly moved to the side.

“Sallie May?” Millie yelped, “what are you doin’ here?”

“Vaggie came down an’ told me everything. Seemed like fun, figured I could lend a hand.”

“Tex?”

“Hey Vaggie. Listen, sorry for blowing up on you like that, but we all had a talk after you left and-“

“No way we’re leaving you hanging!” A skinny, blonde Hellhound yelled.
“By the way, I’m Kesha, we kinda met, but first time I got a chance to talk.”

“We?”

“Yeah, there’s like a dozen of us here to help,” Vortex jabbed a thumb behind him.
“Sure hope you guys still have weapons, we’re gonna need them.”

“Follow us,” Millie nodded.

The imps and Vaggie led Sallie May, Vortex, and the hellhound gang deeper into the hotel.

“Princess Morningstar,” Stolas bowed, “I am Stolas of the Goetia. I have been told that you are in a predicament and am here to offer my services.”

“Oh, that’s-“

“What the fuck, Stolas?!?” Blitzo interrupted her, “I did all that so you wouldn’t show up.”

“Yes, well…I couldn’t let you do this. You are someone important to me, Blitzo.”

Stolas turned his attention back to Charlie.

“I’m afraid I do not have my Legions to swear to your cause, but I bring myself, my skills and those granted to me by my Grimoire.”

“Thank you, Prince Stolas.”

“It is my pleasure, your majesty.”

—-

Loona looked down from the balcony: Kesha and the other hellhounds partied with the cannibals and sinners. The imps and Vaggie were at the bar, drinking, laughing and joking with each other. Stolas and Blitzo sat at another table, in a quiet conversation.

She walked down the hall and knocked on a door.

“Come in.”

Loona opened the door: Charlie sat on her bed, eyes red, and tissue paper in her hands.

“Oh, Loona, I….”

Charlie trailed off as Loona walked in and sat on the bed next to her.

“I’m sorry, I’m just… we have everyone here, and your friends brought their friends to help us and…
What if we fail? What if….”

“Don’t think about that. Think about everything you’ve done so far. People have changed, people are here to help you.”

Loona paused.

“There’s one more thing.”

“What?”

Loona took a deep breath.

“I love you.”

“Aww, I-“

“No. Not like that, Charlie.”

Loona turned to face Charlie and took both of her hands into hers.

“I love you.
More than anything.
It took me time to realize it. You’re the one who cared for me and treated me like a person. Like an equal.”

Charlie stared back in silence.

“I know this is not the best time to tell you any of this, but…”

Loona paused.

“I can’t wait. If something happens and I don’t survive tomorrow, I can’t die without you knowing this.
I’m sorry, I know it’s more pressure on you and it’s unfair.”

Loona began to get up.

“Sorry, I should go, I-“

Charlie placed a hand on Loona’s. Before she could say anything, Charlie pulled her in for a hug.

Chapter Text

“Alright Ladies! Extermination day! You all fucking know what that means!”

Adam paused as the Exorcist cheered.

“Remember, we’re going after the shitty hotel first. Don’t kill the princess or her dog, we save them for last.
Any questions?
No?
LET’S FUCKING GO!”

—-

“Before I forget, any of you have any last minute confessions?” Blitzo asked.
“Mox, you wanna say you’re really Lucifer?
Millie? Satan’s daughter? No?”

“What are you doing?”

“I’m fucking nervous, that’s what. We’ll talk after this shit is over.”

With that, Blitzo made his way to Stolas. The two vanished and reappeared atop the roof of the Hotel.

“Well, I have to say I’ve never had the pleasure of working with a member of the Goetia,” Alastor paused.

“Can it, Freaky Voice, we just got a job to do.”

“Mmm, I don’t see what an imp can do that I already can’t.”

“Just watch me, asshole,”

“Blitzo. Let’s not antagonize the little man, we are supposed to be on the same side,” Stolas chided.

A massive portal opened up in the sky. After a moment, a swarm of Exorcists flew through and approached the hotel.

“Let’s Fuck them up!” Charlie yelled.

Loona began to howl. A moment later, Vortex, Kesha and the others joined in.

“FUCK’M UP, M&M!”

Moxxie, Blitzo and the hotel defenders armed with guns opened fire.

“Wait, what the fuck? Why do they have guns?
Who the fuck gave them guns?” Adam asked as he came to a stop.

“Try to impress me,” Stolas flipped open the Grimoire and gestured.

“Let the slaughter begin!”

Alastor tapped his cane on the ground. Black, shadowy energy exploded out from him as red energy surrounded Stolas and shot out into the sky. The two merged into a single dome, trapping many of the exorcists within.

“What the fuck? Where did they get all this shit?” Adam gestured.

“It appears to be some sort of barrier, sir!”

“NO FUCKING SHIT!”

—-

With a roar, Millie cleaved the Exorcist in half. A second Exorcist appeared in front of her and raised its sword.

“Behind!”

A gunshot ran out and a bullet hole appeared in the middle of the Exorcist’s forehead. Moxxie turned his attention to another group and opened fire again. A Cannibal and a Hellhound armed with their own firearms joined in and the surviving Exorcists scattered.

“They’re getting smarter! Switch to selective fire! Cover the others!” Moxxie barked out.

His gun clicked empty as another Exorcist appeared in front of him. Before either could react, the Exorcist’s head fell from her body. Moxxie scrambled back and pulled out a submachine gun as Vaggie spun around, spear out.

“You ok?”

“I’m good!”

Another Exorcist screamed as she lunged at Vaggie. She parried the attack as Moxxie opened fire, blowing a hole in the Exorcist’s face.
Vaggie glanced behind her and pulled out her shotgun.
She opened fire in quick succession, blowing open another Exorcist’s chest. Vaggie quickly brought the gun back to reload as another exorcist appeared behind her. Before Moxxie or Vaggie could react, something shot past them and landed on the Exorcist. Golden blood splattered everywhere as Millie tore out the Exorcist’s throat.

“Knew these would work,” Millie grinned and grabbed her ax.

Moxxie and Vaggie reloaded and looked around.

“You two cover each other. Be careful.”

“We got this!”

Moxxie and Millie turned their attention to more exorcists as Vaggie ran off.

——

Someone grabbed the Exorcist from behind and brought a knife across the exorcist’s throat. The Exorcist collapsed to the ground, desperately trying to stem the bleeding as Sallie May picked up the halo and put it around her wrist.

“Y’know, I might just melt this down ta make a cock ring,”

She sheathed her knife and snapped up her rifle.

“That’s a really weird thing to say out loud,” the small white Hellhound stated as she reloaded.

“I wanna get a trophy mount made from one of these assholes.”

The two opened fire and picked more exorcists out of the sky.

——

Blitzo paused to reload as an exorcist swooped down at them.

“Shit, STOLAS!”

Stolas spun around and withdrew something from his side. The exorcist came to a skidding stop as she impaled herself on his sword. Dark shadows exploded out of the Grimoire and dragged the corpse into it.

“…what the fuck was that?” Blitzo asked.

“As master of the Grimoire, I know many of its secrets.”

Blitzo opened fire again as Stolas gestured.
More shadowy tendrils appeared and snapped up the Exorcist’s abandoned spear. It hurled the spear through the air, where it stabbed through another’s wing. Stolas hooted in delight as the wounded exorcist fell to the ground and was swarmed by cannibals.

“Now I understand why you do this, it’s delightful!”

“….weirdos,” Alastor shook his head.

——

Blood and limbs shot through the air. Loona lashed out and sunk her claws into the face of an exorcist. Before the wounded Exorcist could react, the Hellhound sank her teeth into her neck and ripped it out.

She chewed quickly and swallowed.

“Wait, are you actually eating them?” Charlie fended off an attack, and knocked the Exorcist into a waiting crowd of Cannibals.
“Loona!”

“I wanted to know why the cannibals are so eager to eat these guys,”

Loona dodged an attack and severed the limb with her own sword. Before the Exorcist could react, Niffty swarmed up and jabbed her dagger into the Exorcist’s eye.

“And these guys taste like shit,”

Loona grabbed Niffty and spun around.

“Stab?”

“Fuck’em up, Niff.”

Loona hurled Niffty at the back of another Exorcist. The exorcist shrieked as Niffty latched on and began to stab the back of her head.

“Charlie! Behind you!”

Charlie spun around and raised her shield, but as she did, the Exorcist was cleaved in two. Loona and Charlie stared at the small black and tan Hellhound, wielding a sword almost as big as her. The hellhound’s tail wagged in excitement.

“Hi Princess!”

“Oh, uh…Hi…was it Pepper?”

“Holy shit, you remembered!” Pepper’s tail started to wag faster.

“Thanks for the save.”

“No problems! I’m having so much fucking fun! Hey, can we do this again at the next extermination?”

“If this goes well, we shouldn’t have another one,” Charlie stated.

“But if it does, we’ll give you guys a call,” Loona nodded.

“Fuck yeah! I’m going to go find something to kill!”

Pepper ran off as Charlie and Loona stared.

“She’s got spirit, but-“

A solid impact echoed through the air as everyone turned and looked up: the barrier protecting the hotel shattered against Adam’s fist as the remaining Exorcist began to swarm in.

“Oh no.”

“Shit. Pent!” Loona yelled.

“OPEN FIRE!” The snake sinner yelled.

“You heard them!” Vortex yelled as Hellhounds armed with guns opened fire.

“Cover me!” Moxxie swapped out his submachine guns for the rifle as Millie and Vaggie moved in.

——

Adam landed on the rooftop and glared.

“Adam. First Man, Next to die.”

“Who the fuck are you?”

“Alastor. Pleasure to meet you. I’m about to end your fucking life.”

Shadowy tentacles shot out of the ground and attacked Adam.

“Nice voice, don’t you know J-“

Adam was cut off as something clanged against his helmet.

“Ah, Fuck! Who did that?”

Adam tried to swing his guitar-ax around, only for him to struggle. He glanced down and noticed another group of shadowy tendrils restraining his arms. He looked up to see Stolas and Blitzo.

“Truly an honor to meet the First Man alive. I am Prince Stolas of the Goetia.”

“You don’t need to know my name, asshole.”

Blitzo spun around and sniped another Exorcist coming at them.

With a roar, Adam slashed his way through Stolas and Alastor’s tentacles and moved towards the Sinner.

“Cover us both.”

“Doing what I can,” Blitzo nodded, “Fuck him up.”

Adam slashed at Alastor, cutting though his tentacles. As Adam moved in again, a blast of dark magic staggered him.

“FUCK!”

——

“Reloading! Vaggie! Catch!”

Moxxie tossed the submachine gun to Vaggie and began to reload the rifle. Vaggie opened fire and peppered one of the attacking Exorcist. Millie kicked up a discarded spear and blocked a sword. Before the exorcist could attempt a second attack, a hand shot out from behind her and yanked her head back. Sallie May slit the exorcist’s throat and pulled again, ripping the wound open and spraying golden blood all over Millie.

“Sorry.”

“Behind!”

Millie shifted her position and thrusted her spear into another Exorcist’s neck. Sallie May reacted and jabbed her knife into the Exorcist’s eye and twisted.

“How many Halos did you take?”

“ ‘Bout eight. You?” Sallie May picked up another and placed it on her wrist.

“Ain’t Keepin’ track,” Millie yanked out the spear and hurled it at another Exorcist, “but gotta be more than that.”

“Pfft. As if.”

The sisters snapped up the nearest weapons and sliced through another Exorcist, lopping off both of her arms in one go.

“That counts as my kill!” They yelled at each other.

—-

Vaggie opened fire. She jerked her head to the side.

“Get him to the safe zone, I’ll cover you!”

The Sinner and Hellhound nodded as they hoisted the injured Hellhound up and carried him off. Vaggie opened fire again and paused to reload.

“On your left!”

Kesha drove one of her swords through the attacking exorcist’s shoulder and lopped off her head with the other.

“I haven’t had this much fun in over a thousand years!” Kesha laughed, “How you doing, Vags?”

“Holding out for now.”

“Charlie say anything about getting the Big Guy involved in any of this?”

“Nothing to us, you’ll have to ask her.”

Vaggie opened fire again until the submachine gun clicked empty.
She swore and tossed it away.

“If this goes bad, do you think you can face Adam?” Vaggie asked.

“I can try. No promises,”

“Works for me, I’m moving in from here.”

“Don’t stop!” Kesha laughed as she drove her blade through about her Exorcist’s neck.

——

“I have had fucking enough of you stupid fucking…fuckers! Fuck!” Adam snarled.

“That really the best you could come up with?”

“FUCK YOU DOG DIC-SHIT!”

The bullet shattered part of Adam’s faceplate.

“Fuck, I was aiming for that big dumb mouth of his.”

“I don’t know how you missed that.”

With a snarl, Adam slammed his guitar into the ground, unleashing a burst of sound and blinding light.

“Not good!”

Stolas yanked Blitzo close and gestured. A barrier encased the two of them as a portal appeared under them. As the sound and light hit them, the barrier shattered as they disappeared into the portal.

As it cleared, Alastor stood there, his microphone staff broken.

“What happened?
…..Fuck.”

——-

A portal appeared. Blitzo and Stolas crashed to the ground in front of Moxxie and Millie.

“What happened?”

“Fucking First Asshole up there did something.”

“Holy energy. I had to get us out of there somehow.”

Stolas helped Blitzo to his feet.

“What about Mr. Freaky voice up there?”

“He’s on his own, I’m afraid.”

“DUCK!” Moxxie yelled.

“I’m an Owwwwwwllllll!”

Stolas squeaked as the Imps grabbed him and yanked him out of harm’s way. A blast of Holy Energy incinerated the Cannibals near them.

They all looked up: Adam was flying around, firing off blasts of Holy Energy all around him.

“Christ on a Stick, how the fuck to we deal with that?”

——

“Alastor and Stolas were supposed to hold him off!” Charlie gasped.

“Fuck!” Loona swore.

“….of course.” Sir Pentious nodded.

——

“Sir, look!”

Moxxie pointed at the sky: an Airship approached Adam, who still had not noticed it.

“Millie, cover us.
Stolas, Can you use that spell to restrain him?”

“It won’t hold him for long.”

“We just need to hold him for long enough. Moxx, we’re the distraction.”

Without another word, Moxxie switched to his rifle and aimed.

“Now.”

Moxxie and Blitzo opened fire as bullets clanged off Adam’s armor.

“WELL FUCK YOU TOO!” Adam spun around and brought his hand up. Before he could fire off his attack, shadowy tendrils yanked his arm up, and the blast shot up harmlessly. More tendrils appeared and pulled Adam’s other arm out of the way.

——

“Target in range,” one of the Egg Boiz stated.

“Fire.”

——

With a roar, Adam ripped his way through the tendrils.

“YOU WANNA DIE THAT BADLY, YOU…YOU FUCKING RED THING AND AND….And YOU TURKEY? I’LL-“

Adam trailed off as he looked behind him.

“Aw shit.”

Adam brough up both hands just as the airship opened fire.

Brilliant light filled the sky, as everyone took a moment to shield their eyes.

The light began to fade as everyone looked up.

“Did he…” Loona trailed off.

Adam remained airborne, his armor damaged, his robes torn and burnt. Half his mask was missing, as the display screen on the remaining half was static. He growled, barely able to contain his rage.

Nothing remained of the Airship.

“No!” Charlie fell to her knees.

“You did good, Buddy.”

Husk and Cherri just stared in stunned silence.

Loona let out a mournful howl.

“Razzle! Dazzle!”

Charlie disappeared into a fiery tornado and re-emerged: her eyes had become red, her horns long, her tail free and a trident in her hands.

Razzle and Dazzle transformed into two massive dragons and Charlie leapt on the back of Razzle.

“Loona! Let’s ride!”

With a nod, Loona leapt onto Dazzle’s back and the two took off.

“Lute! Go and fuck that chicken! I’ll deal with her majesty.”

“Sir-“

“Fucking listen to me, Dumb bitch!”

With a gesture, Adam fired off another beam that shot towards Dazzle.

The dragon shook, and threw Loona from his back as the light engulfed him.

——

“M&M! Keep going!”

Blitzo opened fire as the two ran off.

“Better to-“

Blitzo was cut off as something slammed into him and knocked him away. He crashed into Moxxie and Millie and the three hit the ground.

“So much trouble from someone like you,” the exorcist growled as she held up her sword.

“I am Stolas of the Goetia, your little deal means you cannot touch me,” Stolas replied as he pulled his own sword out.

“Like I give a shit.”

with a roar, the exorcist lunged at Stolas and swung. Shadowy tendrils shot out of the ground and grabbed at her, only for her to cut them down as she attacked. Stolas blocked the attack, but she quickly struck again.

Blitzo groaned and sat up.

“What was that?”

Blitzo shook his head and quickly snatched his pistol back up. He shot an approaching Exorcist in the shoulder, as Millie drove a broken-off sword through their neck.

“Yer boy’s inna fight!”

Blitzo glanced over: Stolas feebly parried another attack, only for the Exorcist to punch him in the face with her free hand. Stolas staggered back and awkwardly returned to his stance.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck! Moxx, where’s the bag?”

Moxxie shot another Exorcist in the face and tossed his bag towards Blitzo.

“We kept the big guy, right?”

“Fitted and loaded, sir! Toss me another one!”

Blitzo pulled out a shotgun and tossed it at Moxxie. The imp smoothly caught it, flipped off the safety and fired. Blitzo continued to dig through the bag.

“AH-HA!”

Blitzo yanked out a rocket launcher with a sticker reading “MY DICK” on it.

“Nobody gets to fuck Stolas. Cover me.”

Blitzo quickly aimed. He pulled the trigger and fired the warhead towards the Exorcist and Stolas.

“…oh my.”

Stolas dropped his sword and awkwardly leapt out of the way. The Exorcist stood there, confused and slowly turned to face Blitzo.

“SUCK ON THAT!”

The explosion engulfed the Exorcist. Blitzo tossed away the launcher and pulled out his gun again. He aimed it at where the Exorcist was, only for something to shoot out of the debris and tackle him away from the group.

“Blitzo!”

Moxxie and Millie began to chase after him, but quickly doubled back and gathered around Stolas as Exorcists approached the fallen prince.

—-

Blitzo hit the ground and rolled back onto his feet, gun in one hand, dagger in the other:

A bloodied Lute stood before him, armor and clothing in tatters, mask and helmet shattered, blood oozing from her wounds.

“I’m just going to kill you and enjoy it.”

“Oh, I don’t even get any witty banter?”

Blitzo opened fire, only for Lute to either dodge it or redirect it with her sword. Blitzo swore as one of the bullets hit his gun and he dropped it. Lute rammed her sword through Blitzo’s shoulder and he screamed.

—-

Vaggie blew the head off of another Exorcist and moved to reload. She froze as she heard it.

Vaggie spun around towards the direction of the noise and saw it:

A badly battered Lute held Blitzo up by the neck. Lute grinned and lifted her sword.

No.
Not again.
Never again.

“BLITZO!”

Then she felt it.
Pressure.
She paused for just a moment as she felt something tear its way out of her back and through her clothing. She glanced to the side.

Wings.
Her wings had grown back.

Without a second thought she took to the air and shot across the battlefield.

—-

“Any last words?” Lute grinned.

“Yeah.”

Blitzo spat in Lute’s eye.

“But that’s the best you’re gonna get.”

Before Lute could respond something slammed into her and sent her flying back. It paused for a moment before continuing on its way.

Blitzo hit the ground and snapped up his gun again.

“….Vaggie?”

—-

Whatever had tackled Lute grabbed her hair again and smashed her into a large chunk of rubble. Lute struggled to her feet and looked at her attacker.

“You,” Lute growled, “I-“

Vaggie clocked Lute in the face with the butt of her shotgun. She once again grabbed Lute by her clothes and slammed her against the rubble. Over and over again.

Vaggie dropped the battered Lute to the ground and aimed the gun at Lute’s face.

Vaggie’s face fell and Lute grinned at the sound of the gun’s click.

Lute shot back up and head butted Vaggie. The two grappled for a moment before Lute kneed Vaggie in the stomach and she dropped to the ground.
The rubble behind the two shifted.

“You were always weak. And look where that got you. Laying with Imps? I almost don’t want to kill you so you ca-“

Vaggie spun around and drove her spear up and into Lute’s left shoulder. Lute screamed and brought her sword up. As she swung, something held her back. A sharp crack, followed by the sound of bones breaking and flesh ripping was heard as Lute tore her arm away and looked at her arm.

Her right hand was missing, the bones and flesh exposed and jagged.

Lute looked behind her: the battered, bloodied Loona stood there, chewing on the severed hand. Lute’s sword laid on the ground, the handle covered in blood and saliva.

After a moment, Loona swallowed.

“Hey.”

Loona pounced on Lute as Vaggie pulled the spear out. Loona bit down and tore a chunk out of Lute’s neck. With a scream, Lute started to beat at Loona with her remaining hand. A gunshot rang out and Lute’s elbow exploded. Vaggie held out the shotgun as she got back to her feet.

“Hold her still.”

Loona sank her teeth into Lute’s right wing joint and held her as the Exorcist thrashed and screamed. Vaggie’s hand shot out and tore Lute’s left eye out. Loona bit down hard and tore out a large chunk of the wing bones. Loona stepped back and spat out the wing parts as Vaggie kicked Lute onto her back. Vaggie fired again, and blew out Lute’s left knee.

The two stood there as Vaggie reloaded.

“I never thought I would see this moment,” Vaggie grimly stated.

Vaggie aimed at Lute and paused.

A scream interrupted them.

——

“Ah fuck, my tail!” Pepper looked at the remaining nub as Vortex cut the Exorcist’s head off with his ax.

“Forget it, Fo-Argh!”

Vortex stumbled back as an Exorcist drove her sword through Vortex’s shoulder.

“Mari!”

The white Hellhound opened fire and killed the Exorcist. The gun clicked and she scrambled for another magazine.

“…oh shit, I’m out.”

She fumbled and yanked out a handgun.

“Get something else you can-“

Vortex howled as another Exorcist appeared and drove her spear into his other shoulder. A second one appeared, wielding a mace and swung. Vortex collapsed, his leg broken.

“Fuck, fuck, fuck!”

“Mimi! Cover Tex!”

The fluffy black and white Hellhound snapped up a dropped spear and ran one of the Exorcists through. The three moved around Vortex as more Exorcists landed around them.

——

“I’m out!”

Moxxie dove into his bag and pulled out another pistol.

“I’m near the end! I knew we should have packed more!”

“Just do what you can, Baby Dick!” Blitzo fired and awkwardly reloaded.

Millie gnawed her way through another Exorcist’s neck as Sallie Mae fired at another one. Stolas gestured and a field of tendrils shot out of the ground and restrained some Exorcists.

“I am not physically ready for any of this,” Stolas huffed.

“Get ready with that travel circle, if this goes to shit, we are getting out of here!”

“Where’s Vaggie?” Sallie May asked.

“….Fuck if I know, but we’re not leaving her!” Blitzo yelled.

——

“This was cute and all, but…time to di-“

A blade protruded from Adam’s chest, startling both of them.

“Wait, what?”

Vaggie suddenly appeared in front of Adam and grabbed Charlie with one hand.

“We got to move, Princess.” Vaggie aimed the shotgun with her free hand.

“Wait, what the fuck, Vaggie? You’re Ali-oh shit.”

Vaggie pulled the trigger and flew off, carrying Charlie with her. Someone withdrew the blade and stabbed Adam again. He spun around, and grabbed whoever was behind him, as he rubbed his face with his free hand.

“My fucking eye! Shit!”

Blood oozed from Adam’s left eye as he tore away the remains of his mask and glared at the person in his hand. Loona struggled as he tightened his hand around her throat.

“Gotta give you some credit for..”

Adam trailed off as he noticed the sword on the ground behind her.

“…Wait, is that…That’s Lute’s sword! What the fuck, You killed Lute?”

Loona managed a smile.

“YOU KILLED LUTE?”

Adam’s grip around Loona’s throat tightened.

“Take me back there, we have to save her!” Charlie struggled against Vaggie.

“She asked me to do this for her,” Vaggie stated, “I’m sorry.”

“No!”

Charlie looked back at the two.

“You know what, Fuck it! I wanted to kill the Princess in front of you, but you got my head bitch in charge, so I’m going to get yours!”

Adam laughed as he made finger guns with his other hand and pointed it at Loona’s head.

——

“Tex!” Kesha sliced her way through an Exorcist and made her way to the Hellhound trio.

“He’s still breathing!” Pepper yelled.

“Fuck, Beelzebub is going to kill us if he dies!” Mari tossed her gun away and nabbed a discarded spear.

“No, she’s not,” Kesha smiled.

Her blonde hair began to grow more colors as she grew taller.

“You girls did good,” Beelzebub nodded, “Grab Tex and get him to safety.”

“You were here this whole time!?!”

“Hey, Gotta support my bitches, Boyfriend, Friends and niece,” Beelzebub winked.

She spun around as Mimi and Mari hoisted Vortex onto their shoulders and struggled to carry him away.

“Hey bitches! This place is about to FUCKING BLOW!”

Beelzebub continued to grow in size, as her features became more insectoid.

“should have run when you had a chance, NOW I’M GONNA EAT YOU, BITCH!”

Beelzebub lashed out and grabbed the nearest Exorcist. With a laugh, she brought the struggling Exorcist and bit her in half. Beelzebub made a face as she chewed.

“You guys still taste like fucking Ass!”

——

“What the fuck! You got a Sin Here?” Adam stared shocked.

“Aunt Bee?”

Before Adam could do anything something slammed into him and knocked him away. Someone nabbed Loona out of the air and she looked at her savior.

“Loona,” Lucifer smiled at her, “Thanks for saving her.”

“No problem, sir.”

“Go back! Now!”

Vaggie turned around and zipped back to the two. Lucifer immediately tensed up as Vaggie landed.

“She’s on our side,”

Lucifer put Loona down as Charlie ran over and hugged her.

“Don’t do that again!”

“FUCK!”

Adam crawled back onto the roof.

“How many of you fuckers do I have to fight!”

“Oh, I’m the only one that matters and now, I am going to FUCK YOU!”

Everyone froze and looked at him.

“HAH!” Blitzo pointed at them.

“….oh for fuck’s sake,” Beelzebub grumbled through a mouthful of Exorcists.

“It’s fuck you up, Dad,” Charlie awkwardly corrected him.

“…wait, what did I say?”

——

“You should be fucking Worshipping me, you ungrateful, disgusting, fucking lo-“

Adam screamed as something embedded itself in the back of his head.

Everyone stared awkward at him.

“You…you got a thing there, Bud.”

Adam collapsed face down: Niffty sat on his back, barely able to hold the massive ax embedded in Adam’s head.

“Hey! That’s mine!” Millie cried out.

“How the fuck did you lose an ax?”

Niffty laughed and began chopping Adam’s body to pieces.

“Jesus titty-fucking Christ on a stick,” Blitzo stated at the scene in front of him.

“I like her spirit,” Sallie May laughed.

Several Exorcist landed near Adam as Niffty skipped off.

“I am not here to fight. It’s over, we’re leaving.” The lead Exorcist held both of her hands up.

“Are you the third in command?” Charlie asked.

“I am,”

“….Wait, Thighra, is that you?” Vaggie asked.

The lead Exorcist removed her helmet and revealed a woman with dark grey skin, her silver white hair tied back.

“We thought you were dead, Vaggie,” she stated.

“It’s Vaggie. And that person is.”

Thighra nodded to her comrade. One of them picked up Adam’s Halo.

“Lute is over there,” Vaggie pointed.

“Bee Jay,” Thighra gestured and the other Exorcist flew off.

“What did Adam say about me?”

“Only that you were lost to us.”

Thighra put her helmet back on,

“Everyone! Retreat.”

The remaining Exorcist took off and returned to the heaven portal. After the last one entered, the portal vanished.

“Holy shit, we did it!” Angel cheered, “we fucking chased them off!”

“Fuck yeah!” Millie punched the air.

One of the Hellhounds began to howl in excitement. The remaining Hellhounds quickly joined in as the surviving cannibals began to cheer.

“FUCK YEAH I.M.P.!” Blitzo yelled.

“YEEEHAW!” Sallie May cheered as she held up several severed Exorcists heads.

Loona grabbed Charlie and kissed her on the lips. After a moment of surprise, Charlie returned the kiss.

The Hotel staff, occupants and Lucifer stared at the two of them.

“…..huh,” Lucifer bit his lip.

“What? What?” Angel gestured wildly, “when was this? How was this?”

“Finally,” Husk smiled.

“Ha! Fuck yeah girl!” Cherri cheered.

“You guys knew about this? And didn’t say anything?”

“Wasn’t my story to tell,” Husk dug around and pulled out a flask. He opened it, held it up in a mock toast and drank.

“I keep your fuckin’ secrets.”

——

“Oh, that’s kind of hot.”

Vox and Valentino stared at Velvette.

“What? I see what turns you fucks on, don’t judge me.”

Chapter Text

They stayed to help rebuild the hotel. Blitzo had tried to argue that it wasn’t part of the original deal, but everyone has shut him down.

With the hotel rebuilt, Beelzebub did the only thing she knew.

“WE’RE HAVING A FUCK YOU HEAVEN PARTY! LET’S GET FUCKING WASTED!”

——

Vaggie was so glad they separated the Cannibal buffet from the regular one. No matter how dressed up and fancy it was, Vaggie did not like the thought of eating someone she once knew.

She looked around the room: everyone cheering, talking, bragging, eating…

“There you are!”

Pepper grabbed one of Vaggie’s hands.

“Fuck, Tex is here! You gotta say hello.”

“Tex is out of the hospital?”

“Eh. I think Bee demanded it and they just let him.”

Pepper led her through the crowd.

“Hey, Vags! You survived!” Vortex waved and winced.

The Hellhound sat in a wheelchair, bandages around his shoulders, arm, and his leg suspended and in a cast. Angel Dust finished his signature and handed the pen to the next person.

“Hey, that’s gonna be worth something! I don’t give out that many autographs,”

“You just drew a dick.”

“And I signed it!”

Vaggie rolled her eyes and moved closer to him.

“Hey. I’m sorry about….” She gestured to the cast.

“Don’t worry about it, comes with the job.”

“I owe you, Tex.”

“Don’t worry-“

“No, I mean it. Seriously. I owe you a favor for getting everyone to come. Especially Bee.”

“Bee decided on her own.”

“Yeah, well-“

Someone shoved a pen into Vaggie’s face.

“Just don’t draw more dicks on it. Please.”

“I make no promises,”

“Then draw a cool dick. Like, what does an Angel’s dick look like?”

“Lesbian.”

“Right, sorry.”

——

“What kind of fucking asshole tells you he loves you and then goes tits up and fucking dies!”

Cherri slammed her glass on the bar top.

“Top’er off.”

“Y’know, it just shows you how much he really cares about you,” Millie patted her shoulder.

“Yeah? And he decided the best time ta say something is when he decides ta fuck off an’ die?”

“Sometimes you only tell people the truth when you think you don’t have to deal with the consequences,” Moxxie stated.

“Fucking coward! If he said something before that…”

“You know all his awkward shit at the other bar was him trying, right?” Husk asked.

“….FUCK!”

“Hey Boss!” Frank sat on the countertop next to Cherri.

Everyone stared at the Egg.

“What did you say?”

“The Boss said to call you Boss and that if any of us survived and he didn’t, you’re the new Boss.”

The group stared at Frank, dumbstruck.

“Fuck, c’mere, Buddy….”

——

“I think this was more than enough action for…for a while,” Stolas took a drink from his glass.

“Yeah, well, the only action I want is for you to take this big red-“

Blitzo winced as he tried to move his arm.

“Or not,”

“Take it easy, Blitzy, there’s going to be plenty of time for me to reward my impy little hero.”

——

Mimi and Mari cheered as Sallie May hoisted Niffty into the air.

“Y’all see this little thing! She’s the one that killed the First Man! Make some fuckin’ noise!”

The crowd erupted into cheers and howls.

“I’m mounting his wings on my wall as part of my collection,” Niffty laughed.

“Y’want a Helmet t’ go with that? I got extra.”

——

“Look, I’m just saying…Fuck it. Do it. All of Hell already saw you and you might as well keep going,” Beelzebub patted Loona on the back.

“You seem fucking cool, and Charlie is like, kinda sorta my niece and shit, but you seem like you’re good to go.”

Loona downed the rest of her bottle of Beelzejuice.

“I don’t want to do it here.”

“Well, go outside. I’ll wrangle her up and send her on her way to you.
You fucking got this, girl.”

Beelzebub gestured and held out another bottle.

“One for the road?”

“Thanks.”

Beelzebub waved and vanished into the crowd. Loona made her way through the crowd and through the hall.

She glanced to her left: the painting of Sir Pentious and his Egg Boiz.
To her right: small statues of a Hellhound and a Cannibal, engraved with all the names of those who died defending the hotel.

She paused at another: a Statue of Dazzle in his dragon form.
After a moment, she placed a hand on its head.

“Look. I know we didn’t really get along, and that’s really my fault. I should have been nicer to you and Razzle.”

She paused.

“Thanks for everything. Even in your last moments, you used it to save me.”

With that, Loona went outside of the hotel.

The wind was cool for a change and even the sounds of the party were muted. She took a drink from her bottle and waited.

“It’s different now.”

Loona turned to see Charlie approach her.

“…Hey.”

“Hey. Before you say anything, I need to get this out of my system.”

Before Loona could react, Charlie slapped her across the face.

“What were you thinking?”

Charlie grabbed the collar of Loona’s shirt.

“People already died! People I cared for! I…”

Charlie pulled herself closer and placed her head on Loona’s chest.

“People I loved. I can’t lose someone again. Not like that.”

“…I’m sorry. I don’t regret it. If I had to choose between letting Adam kill you, and dying to save you, I’ll be your armor. You’re more important than I am-“

“No I’m not!” Charlie yelled, “it’s not just me.”

“It’s your dream. I want to help you make it come true.”

“It’s our dream. I can’t make it work without you.”

“And without you everything falls apart,” Loona stated.
“You think that this would stay together if you died protecting it?

“You would try.”

Loona paused.

“I would. But I’m not good enough to keep it running.”

“You are better than you think you are, you know that?”

The two paused as Charlie straightened out and let go of Loona.

“Let’s sit over there.”

The two made their way to a bench and took a seat.

“I’m sorry, I just…”

Charlie took a deep breath.

“Loona, what is your dream?”

“What?”

“My dream is to make the hotel work. To prove that no one is as bad as they think they are or act.
In heaven, you said-“

“I believe people can change. I said I can help you.”

“But is that all you want?” Charlie asked.

“….As long as I have you, it’s all I need.”

“I have been thinking a lot about what you said,” Charlie started, “and-“

“Forget it. It’s nothing.” Loona dismissed it.

“No, it’s not nothing. Stop trying to push away how you feel.”

Charlie paused.

“I want to give it a try. I’m not saying this to make you feel better or out of pity or anything.
I love you, Loona. You’ve always been there for me through this. You’re the one who keeps me grounded, the one who put in the work to make this happen.”

Charlie took Loona’s hands into her own and held them close.

“Let’s try. Everyone at the Hotel knows. Aunt Bee is supportive.”

“You’d be dating a Hellhound.”

“Aunt Bee is. If it’s ok for a Sin, I don’t see why it wouldn’t be for us.”

“They’ll laugh at you.”

“Loona, I don’t care if they do. If it makes you happy and it makes me happy, then fuck them.”

Loona paused, still uncertain. Charlie took the moment to kiss Loona.

After a moment of hesitation, Loona returned the gesture.

“Am I…interrupting something?” Another voice asked.

The two quickly separated as the speaker approached.

“Dad, I-“

“Sir, I-“

“Hey, hey, hey…” Lucifer gestured for them to calm down.
“It’s alright, I just want to talk.”

Lucifer stood in front of the two.

“So it was hard to miss, but-“

“I want to date Charlie,” Loona blurted out.

Lucifer paused.

“Well, that makes my job a lot easier. I don’t have a problem with that.”

“You were making a face when you saw us.”

“It was the end of a fight, everyone was covered in blood, you were standing in front of the dead body of the first man, and you had angel meat stuck between your teeth,” Lucifer counted off.
“It caught everyone off guard.”

“….that’s what that taste was,” Charlie looked mortified, “oh no, I ate from the wrong buffet.”

“You don’t….”

“Charlie can date whoever she wants, love is love.”

Lucifer placed a hand in Loona’s shoulder and smiled.

“And I already know you’ll do everything you can to make her happy.”

“Thank you, S-“

“Stop calling me sir. Just, Lucifer or Lucy, or…”

Lucifer paused.

“eh, either of those are fine.
The only real issue is the paperwork has me as your owner, so I guess that makes you sisters. It’s still not really clear to me. But we can deal with that.
Anyway, let’s go ba-“

The two embraced Lucifer.

“Thank you.”

Lucifer smiled and returned the hug.

“Any time, girls.”

——

Vaggie looked down at the paper in her hands.

“One free deal with the devil?”

“One favor, no strings attached,” Lucifer smiled, “some restrictions may apply, and please use it on something smart.”

“FUCK YEAH, I GOT MY TAIL BACK!”

“Please.”

“We’ll keep it in mind, sir.” Moxxie and Millie rolled theirs up and hid it away.

“Mmmm, I can use this if….let’s say if I got caught for crimes?” Sallie May asked.

“What sort of crimes?”

“Nothing that’s been proven yet.”

Lucifer scrunched up his face, “….I mean, I guess.”

“I can use this for anything?”

“Blitzo, you are not using it to get a horse!” Vaggie yelled.

“Fine, I’ll save it for something good,”

Everyone scampered off, leaving Lucifer and Vaggie.

“…So, there’s a lot I want to talk to you about,” Lucifer paused.

“…”

“But there will be another time for that. All I want you to know is that you’re always welcome here. I mean, not like you can go back to heaven after everything.”

“….yeah.”

“But,” Lucifer placed a hand on her shoulder, “if you want to talk, I’m always there.”

“…Thank you, Sir.”

“Let’s get back to the party.”

——

Sera looked at the body on the bed: Lute, hooked up to machinery. Bandages were wrapped around the stumps of her missing limbs and missing eye.

“With the damage to her wing, we didn’t have much of a choice but to amputate. Whoever took out that chunk took most of the bones holding it together and without them…”

The doctor shrugged.

“It’s amazing that she made it back alive.”

“But you can heal her.”

“It’s going to take time. The wounds are messy too, there was saliva in some of them, and debris from Hell. Dunno what they used.
And if I’m completely honest, I don’t know if she’ll wake up. She’s in really bad shape.

It would help if we had Saint Camillus or Raphael here, but…”

“Keep me informed about her status.”

“Yes Ma’m.”

Sera left the room and continued down the hallways, the rooms filled with injured and dying Exorcist.

A complete and utter disaster.

Nearly a third of the Exorcist were dead or dying. Hell had finally found a way to fight back and it had been a massacre.

Adam was dead, slain by some sort of maid.

Lute was maimed.

That left Adam’s third in charge as the de facto commander of the group.

And the High Council was in shambles.

Sera needed to speak to her.

“Thighra.”

The Angel stood up.

“Lady Sera.”

“With Adam dead and Lute out of commission for the foreseeable future, you will be in charge of the Exorcist.”

“And the Exterminations?”

“On hold. You would need time to rebuild, and we need time to figure out our next move from here.”

“As you wish,” Thighra bowed.

“And….and I don’t wish to be rude, but please also pick out a less ridiculous name. I know Adam gave it to you, but we would like to refer to you with something more respectable.”

“I have put some thought into it and have one.”

“What is that?”

“Nemesis.”

“As you wi-“

The door slammed open as everyone in the room turned to look towards it:

Emily stood there, trying to catch her breath.

“Emily, what has happened?”

“Icouldntwait! Youneedtoseethis!”

Emily moved to the side and someone new slid into view: a serpentine Winner.

Nemesis froze in recognition.

“He was one of the Sinners defending the Hotel…
We all saw it. Adam killed him.”

“Then why is he here?”

“She was right, Sera!”

“…Oh, Hello? We….” Sir Pentious trailed off as he noticed Nemesis, “Oh no, not you again.”

Sera’s eyes rolled back and she fainted.

—-

Vaggie stood outside looking over the city skyline.

“Something on your mind, Vags?”

She glanced over as Blitzo took a seat next to her.

“A lot of things.”

“Anything you want to share?”

“Just…. It’s hard to believe this is what my life is. In a….”

“It’s different?”

“If you had asked me five years ago what I would have been doing, I would probably have just said killing more Sinners. And now….I still kill people, I guess. But the rest of it.”

“You have a life outside of fucking people up.”

“A better life. I’m not just training. I can make friends with other people. I can party. I can…I can do almost anything I want.”

“….you had a pretty sad life, huh Vags?”

“Yeah.”

She paused again and looked up.

“It’s weird to think that falling from Heaven was the best thing that could happen to me.”

“Yeah, well…. Shit’s weird. Sometimes we just don’t realize how bad it was until we get to experience something new.”

“Thanks.”

“Don’t thank me, you did all that on your own,” Blitzo stated.

“No, you’re the one that gave me a chance to find myself. If it wasn’t for you…”

“Hey, someone better than me could have found you.”

“Maybe. Maybe not,”

Vaggie shifted her position and embraced him.

“Thanks for everything you do. I know you’re not perfect, but-“

“Sometimes even I can do the right thing,” Blitzo stated as he returned the hug.
“Thanks Vaggie.
For being the one thing I haven’t fuck up on.”

“Millie and Moxxie won’t be happy about hearing that.”

“….they’re the second and third thing.”

“Hey!”

The two let go and turned to see the speaker.

“They’re celebratin’ everyone and it’s your turn!” Millie gestured, “C’mon!”

Millie rushed back in as the two got up.

“You go ahead, I want to be out here a bit longer.”

With a nod, Blitzo headed back into the party.

Vaggie looked out over the cityscape and smiled.

“After all, it’s been a happy fucking day in Hell.”

Chapter Text

It had been several weeks since the battle for the Hotel and things were…

Still not normal.

Blitzo had called for a break so everyone could relax.

Moxxie and Millie had cashed in one of their favors for an all expenses paid second honeymoon.

Vaggie was just enjoying a quiet morning in Lust. She had found a little breakfast/sex toy shop that had really good pastries.

The news media had focused mostly on the damage and death of Adam over the fact that she was there.
I.M.P.‘s role in the defense of the Hotel were outright ignored.
She hadn’t heard anything from Stolas, but Octavia had mentioned that her mother was furious over Stolas defending the hotel and accused him of trying to gain favor with Lucifer for the divorce proceedings.
No one ignored that Beelzebub was there, they just tried to claim it was for other reasons.

But all of that sat well with Vaggie.

Better for only a few people to know there was another Angel in Hell.

She-

Something slammed onto her table: plates broke, glass shattered and what was left of her scones were crushed underfoot.

“Hey Vags! Guess who got unbanned from all the places that banned him!” Blitzo asked, his face uncomfortably close to her’s.

“Blitzo, what the fuck.”

“C’mon! Let’s go!”

With that, Blitzo grabbed her hand and yanked her away from the table. Vaggie had barely enough time to toss some money onto the table.

—-

“Blitzo, why are we here?”

“I thought about it and I used the favor Lucifer owed me to get me unbanned from everywhere!”

Vaggie came to a stop.

“You wasted it on what?”

“It’s not a waste!”

Blitzo motioned at the run-down, rusted sign declaring “ZOO”.

“See? We can spend the day here!”

Vaggie stared.

“Why the Zoo?”

“I mean, do you guys have a zoo in…” Blitzo gestured, “you know?”

“We do. I only went there once.”

“And?”

“I hate Koalas.”

“….shit, we have them here, but they all have Chlamydia.”

Vague paused.

“Who-“

“Nobody can prove anything!”

Blitzo marched up to the gate and peeked in at the ticket taker: a bored imp.

“Wait, you’re Blitz-O.”

“The O is silent, asshole.”

“You’re banned.”

“Not anymore, I got this!”

Blitzo reached into his pocket and unraveled a scroll.

“Says right there, Fuck you I do what I want!”

The imp stared at it for a Moment and sighed.

“Fuck, I don’t get paid enough to deal with this shit. Regular price for two.”

——

The zoo was….

Disturbing.
Animals were malnourished and sickly, some were outright feral and vicious.
Cages and gates were rusted and barely held together.
Children were occasionally snatched by the animals and eaten.
Some cages had Hellhounds in them, which sat wrong with her.

Vaggie stared at the cage: just big enough to let the long limbed helhound stand, sit and move in a small circle.

“…Hey.”

“Fuck off,” The Hellhound snarled back.

“You guys…you guys get paid to sit in there?”

“We don’t get shit.”

Vaggie paused for a moment.

“….Fuck it.”

Vaggie whipped out her shotgun and blew the lock off the cage. People groaned and some screamed as Vaggie climbed over the guardrail and moved to the next cage.

“What the fuck are you doing?” The Hellhound asked.

“Let you out.”

Vaggie blew the lock off another cage and reloaded.

“Yeah? And who the fuck wants a Helhound with no skills?”

“Go to the Hazbin Hotel. They’re hiring Janitors and shit.”

“Fuck that.”

“Or just go down to Gluttony and talk to Beelzebub. Tell her Vaggie sent you.”

“Hey! You can’t d-“

The employee was cut off as Vaggie blew his head off.

“Go. Now.”

The hellhounds scampered off. One of them paused and looked back at her.

“Thanks.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

——

“Great, now we’re both banned from the Zoo. Thanks a lot, Vagina.”

“You got banned because you tried to Mount the Zebra.”

“It’s fucking awesome.”

“I got banned because I freed the Hellhounds.”

“Who cares? Those are the ones that aged out of the Orphanage.”

“No one should be caged, Blitzo.”

“….well, you’re not wrong about that,”

The two continued to walk down the road.

“Hey, how about the Aquarium?” Blitzo perked up.

“What did you get banned over?”

“I was hungry.”

Vaggie stared at him.

“What, you don’t like sushi?”

——-

“How did this happen?”

Vaggie screamed as she drove her spear through the eye of a massive octopus-like creature.

“I guess it remembered me! But that was over seven years ago!”

“What the fuck did you do?”

“A lot!”

Blitzo screamed as the tentacles tightened around him.

——-

“Alright, now we’re banned from the aquarium, but at least we have dinner.”

“I hate sea life. This is the second time I’ve gotten covered in gunk.”

“Wel, you know what we can do next?”

“Go home and forget this day happened?”

“No! Let’s go camping!”

Vaggie stared at him.

“Blitzo, have you ever been camping?”

“What, is it hard?”

——

“APPARENTLY IT IS!”

Blitzo opened fire as the demon bear snarled. Vaggie shot at a demonic wolf and reloaded.

“What the fuck did you do now?”

“I didn’t do anything! I think.”

“Everything is attacking us!”

Vaggie fired again and blew the head off of a moose-like creature. She paused and looked up.

“Blitzo, what the fuck is that?”

“What?”

Blitzo spun around and looked up.

“Aww shit, it’s a fire tornado! Run for it!”

——-

“Ok, so Camping in Wrath is a bust. How about we just go to the beach in Envy?

——

“WHAT THE FUCK IS A RIPTIDE?” Blitzo screamed as the waves carried him out to the open sea.

——

“Let’s try fishing!”

“NO! We are not going fishing! We have been attacked by pendejos in the water three times now!” Vaggie yelled.

“….what about a nice walk in the park?”

“Did it ban you for public sex?”

“No.”

——

“Of course we run into these motherfuckers here!”

Blitzo ducked behind the picnic table to reload.

Vaggie popped out from behind another table and shot someone.

“I thought you said we got rid of these guys!”

“So did I!”

——

“Alright, that was a bust,” Blitzo chucked the bloodstained towel into an alleyway.

“I need a drink.”

“Great idea!”

——-

The two looked back at the flaming husk of the bar.

“You can’t blame all of that on me. They escalated it.”

“Blitzo, what is wrong with you?”

“What?”

“I was having a nice fucking day!” Vaggie snapped.
“I was just going to take it easy today, look for some new music, just enjoy it! But then you came barging in, yanked me on all this bullshit, and here we are now!

What the fuck was this all about?”

She whirled around and paused. Blitzo sat on the ground, knees pulled up to his chest, and arms wrapped around them.

“Fuck Vags, I… I thought we could just hang out and relax.
We’ve been through a lot of shit lately and..
I thought we could do something fun.
You know…. Just the two of us.”

Awkward silence filled the void. Vaggie took a breath and sighed.

“I’m sorry, I just…” Vaggie trailed off.

After a moment, she took a seat next to Blitzo and placed a hand on his shoulder.

“I appreciate you trying. I really do.”

“Yeah, and fucking up,”

Silence returned. Vaggie glanced up and paused.

A smile formed.

“I have an idea.”

——

Vaggie soared through the sky, wings outstretched.

They weren’t the same as her old wings.
They felt sharper. More angled.

Stronger.

She picked up speed and soared.

“I didn’t think I would be able to do this again.”

“What was that?” Blitzo yelled back as he hung on to her back.

Vaggie slowed again and returned to gliding speed.

“I said I never thought I would be able to do this again!”

“Fuck now I understand why Verosika loved this shit so much!”

“She never flew with you?”

“I rode her, but not like this.”

“Blitzo.”

“Sorry, force of habit.”

Blitzo glanced over to their left.

“Hey, fly over to the Vee Tower.”

“Why?”

“I’m going to blow up that stupid satellite dish.”

“…Sure, why not.”

“Fuck yeah!”

Vaggie flew over and began to circle it.

“You didn’t bring the rocket launcher, did you?”

“No, but your girl Cherri gave me some of these!”

Blitzo yanked the pins out with his teeth and hurled a handful of explosives at the satellite dish.

“Go go go!”

As Vaggie turned tail and glided off, the bombs exploded.

——

The screen went dead.
Then another.
And another.

“WHO THE FUCK INTERRUPTED MY SIGNAL?!?”

——-

Blitzo realized he was falling.

“Oh shit, oh shit!”

“I got you!”

Vaggie swept under Blitzo and caught him in her arms.

“….Fuck! That was fun! Let’s do it again!” Blitzo pumped a fist.

“Let’s not. Let’s just go home.”

“….yeah, we did a lot today.
Let’s just pick up something on the way home. What do you think, Pizza or Chinese?”

“Honestly, I feel like barbecue.”

“All the barbecue places in Pride are shit.”

“Sallie May told me the name of one that she likes…”

Chapter Text

This was the place.

Vaggie paused for just a moment and entered. The Secretary was a bored looking Shark that was nose deep in a magazine.

“Hi, I, ah…”

“Verosika is in Room 69,” the Shark replied without looking up.

“How did…”

“Tex.”

“Right, thanks.”

“Down the left hall and last on the right.”

“Thanks.”

Vaggie made her way down the hall.

She should have expected this.
Between his injuries and her promising him a favor in the aftermath, it would make sense that he would ask her to take over for him.

She didn’t tell Blitzo the truth, only that she was being asked to help a friend with something, and it would be a long-term position.

Blitzo just said they’d manage and to take care.

….she knew she would have to tell him the truth at some point, but she knew how he would react.

There was no way to let him down gently from that.

She paused at the door and reached out to knock on it, only for someone to pull it in.

A tall Incubus with silver and black hair stared back at her.

“Uh…hi.”

“Oh, yeah, Vaggie right?” He grinned back.

“Yeah.”

“Right, well, come on in, I know we met twice now, but I’m Josh. Boss wants to talk to you, so we’ll talk more later.”

“Right.”

Josh moved to the side and Vaggie entered: the room was spacious, with several sofas around a coffee table and a TV against the wall. Magazines and books laid scattered on the coffee table. Against the other wall, away from the TV there were other tables and chairs, along with instruments and notebooks.

“Where’s everyone else?”

“Apple and Coco ran off to get some stuff. Milky’s running late, Kat and Ace should have been here by now and Kiki-“

“Hey, that’s the new girl?”

A tall succubus with grey-blue Hair looked up from a notebook. She quickly got up and went over to the two.

“Like Josh said, I’m Kiki.”

“Vaggie.”

“Hrmmm,” Kiki looked over Vaggie.

“You are cute, but not quite my type.”

“…seriously?” Josh shook his head.

“Anyway, the boss is in the other room. She’s got a lot to go over with you,” Kiki rolled her eyes.

The two continued to the main office as Kiki went back to her notes.

“Look, I know the first two times were….well, whatever problems Verosika has with your boss is their problem. I was just doing my part to help her win that bet.
And the concert was just business as usual.”

“You don’t have to kiss up.”

“I’m not, I just want to make it clear where I stand. Tex is a cool guy, if he trust you, then I trust you.”

“You guys didn’t see…”

“Hey, we’ll talk more later. There’s a lot of questions, but we’ll deal with that once everyone gets here.”

The two came to a stop at a door.

“Anyway, just knock and the boss will know it’s you. Good luck.”

With a wave, Josh turned around and left. Vaggie knocked.

“Come in,” a muffled female voice called out.

Vaggie opened the door and took in the scene before her:

Scattered papers and booklets all over the table. Pens, pencils, empty takeout coffee mugs, fast food drink containers, bottles of water and alcohol all over.

Verosika sat in the middle of it all, hair tied back, glasses on.

“Sit.”

Vaggie closed the door and sat.

“Not as glamorous as you expected?”

“…to be honest, I didn’t know what to expect.”

“Tex vouched for you. He’s still on leave for his injuries, which I blame you for.”

“He didn’t have to come.”

“You know him well enough to know that he wouldn’t abandon a friend,”

Verosika paused and took off her glasses.

“I know you can kick ass, and I know you can bodyguard. But there’s some other questions,”

Verosika slid a paper over to her.

“Fill it out and sign it. Doesn’t have to be right now, but I need it by tomorrow night at the latest.
You have a bank account?”

“Yeah,”

“Put that information on there so we can set up direct deposit. You get paid every two weeks. Bonuses for concerts.
We’ll comp food and drink, so keep your receipts. If we have to travel, can you drive?”

“Yeah.”

“Drove anything bigger than your van?”

“No, but I can learn.”

“Good. Tex probably didn’t mention it, but sometimes he has to be part of the show. You have any problems with performing in front of people?”

“I’ve never done it, but I don’t think I do.”

“Hmm.” Verosika wrote something down, “we’ll try it out at a smaller venue to see.
You dance?”

“Not really, but I can learn.”

“Talk to Kat. He’s the one who’ll do that.
Play any instruments?”

“I know a little guitar.”

“Talk to Apple. She’ll check.
Sing.”

“What?”

“Sing,” Verosika gestured, “you can sing, right?”

“Yeah, I-“

“Sing something for me. I don’t care what, just show me you can carry a tune and shit.”

“Give me a moment…fuck.”

“I know it’s under pressure, but that’s the point.”

“My heart is paralyzed/
My head is oversized/
I’ll take the high road like I should…../
You said it’s meant to be/
That it’s not you, it’s me/
You’re leaving now for my own good…./

That’s cool, but if my friends ask where you are, I’m gonna say/

She went down on an airplane/
Fried getting suntanned/
Fell into a cement mixer full of quicksand/
Help me, help me,
I’m no good at goodbyes…/
She met a Shark underwater/
Fell and no one caught her/
I returned everything I ever bought her/
Help me, help me. I’m all out of lies…/
And ways to say go-“

“Ok, that’s good,” Verosika paused.
“Why that song?”

“It’s been stuck in my head since I heard it.”

“Fair, it’s catchy bullshit. Do another. Something meaningful to you.”

“Right, shit, uh…”

Vaggie cleared her throat.

“Well, you think you can take me on/
You must be crazy/
There ain’t a single thing you’ve done/
That’s gonna faze me/
Although if you wanna have a go/
I just gotta let you know/
Yeah, get off of my back/
And into my game/
Get outta my way/
And out of my brain/
Get out of my face/
And give it your best shot/
I think it’s time you you better face the fact/
Get off of my-“

“This is from that shitty horse movie Blitz-O loves,” Verosika cut in.

“…yeah. He made me watch it again the other day.”

“And?”

“…it’s kind of personal, but the song feels like it means something to me.”

“Fair. Now, more questions. Does Blitz-O know about this?”

“I told him I had to help a friend and it was going to be a long term thing.”

“He didn’t ask?”

“No. He knows I have my own things to do too.”

“And you’re sure he didn’t follow you?”

“I left early and left some dead ends.”

“Good. Is there anything important that I need to know about you? Things like it you’re wanted for murder, banned from Envy, that sort of thing.”

Vaggie paused.

“Tex explained how he got injured?”

“Only that he was injured helping you with something.”

“He didn’t say anything else?”

“No, why?”

Vaggie sighed.

“He got injured because he was helping us defend the Princess’s Hotel in the last Extermination.”

“Why the fuck would you do that?”

“We were hired.”

“And why would he help you? Just because you’re friends?”

“I’m an Angel. Or was. I’m a former Exorcist. I told him before the battle.
He and the others made that choice to help after that.”

Verosika paused.

“….well, whatever, I can work with that. Heaven isn’t going to send down random assholes to try and ruin my concerts and shit, right?”

“I…I don’t think so?”

“Good.”

Vaggie stared at her.

“….what?”

“I mean, I guess I’m surprised at your reaction? Or lack of it?” Vaggie shrugged.

“Honestly, I don’t care who or what you are as long as you can do your job. What about weapons?”

Vaggie pulled out her spear and placed it on the table.

“Where are you even keeping that?”

“Don’t ask.”

After another moment, Vaggie placed two sawed-off shotguns on the table, as well as a belt with an attached pouch.

“Why do you have two?”

“This one is made from Angelic Steel. I got it from defending the Hotel. The other is a regular one, that’s the one I normally use. They use the same sized ammo, and I usually carry about 80 slugs. I can always carry more, but that means it might be more obvious.”

“That’s fine. Normally, you’re not supposed to kill anyone. Dead customers are bad for my business.”

“I can do that, it means I’ll mostly stick to my spear.”

“Good. You have wings?”

Vaggie unfurled her wings. Verosika let out a low whistle.

“Very nice. And they’re retractable?”

Vaggie paused as her wings retracted into her body.

“Yeah. Somehow, I don’t know how that works.”

“Any other questions?”

“So when Moxxie asked you guys to-“

“Who?”

“The other imp. With the bow tie.”

Verosika groaned and sighed.

“Kat and Milky went too far. I told them to get that shit under control. They had their pay docked and had to do unpaired overtime. That shouldn’t happen with you…oh, I forgot.
This is a really personal and awkward question, but are you a virgin?”

“….what?”

“A virgin. Any kind of sex, it doesn’t matter. Toys count.”

“Why is this important?”

“Virgins have a certain scent that can cause succubi and incubi to go into overdrive. Now I know you can hold your own, but I appreciate you not killing my sluts.”

“Yes? I mean, I guess I am.”

“Great,”

“You’re going to tell them that?”

“They’ll figure it out. And they’ve seen you kill a giant fish. If they can’t figure out what you’d do to them if they tried anything funny, then they’re too stupid to survive.”

“…thanks?”

“Any other questions?”

“Are you going to tell them, or am I?”

“About you being an angel? That’s up to you. If you have any other questions about the paperwork or your job, ask Kiki or Josh.”

“Right.”

“Look, if Tex trusted you enough that he was willing to go and die to help you…you can’t be that bad.
Even if you do hang around Blitz-O.”

Vaggie paused and sighed.

“…Right, one more thing then. Can we…just not talk about Blitzo? Unless it really matters to whatever the fuck is going on?” Vaggie asked.

“I’ll try. As long as he stays out of my shit, I won’t.”

“That works.”

With that, Vaggie picked up all of her weapons and hid them away.

“Seriously, where do you hide all of those?” Verosika shook her head.

“I’ll get these filled out by the end of the day.”

Vaggie turned around and headed to the door.

“And thanks. For doing this on short notice,” Verosika stated, “it’s hard to find good help.”

“Not a problem.”

As Vaggie opened the door, something exploded in front of her.

“SURPRISE!”

A short, Chubby succubus stood there with a party popper in her hand.

“I’m so glad to me-OH SHIT!”

The succubus fell to the ground and scrambled backwards as the shotgun was shoved into her face.

“…Fuck! Puta Tonta, why the fuck would you do that?”

“It's a surprise party,” the succubus said meekly.

Vaggie sighed and moved the shotgun away from the succubus’s head as Verosika appeared behind her.

“Milky, you dumb bitch, I told you no surprise parties!” Verosika growled.

“She’s lucky I didn’t blow her head off,” Vaggie grumbled as she put the shotgun away.

Vaggie looked around the room: Josh awkwardly stood in the corner, hands still on his own party popper. A pair of succubi held a cake in their hands. A pair of incubi stood awkwardly in the corner, hands up in surrender. A mess of dropped plates, utensils, donuts and cans at their feet. Kiki sat on the sofa, head in her hands.

“….Well, you’ve met once already, but meet the Sluts.”

“….”

“Cake?” One of the Succubi offered, “we weren’t sure what you’d like, so we just got chocolate.”

“…sure.”

———

“You two understand what I am asking you?”

Stella glared across the table.

“I want him captured. I want him out of the way and when I give you to ok, I want you to kill him.”

“We understand,” a Male voice responded.

“We will send out best agents for that,” a Female voice responded.

“Good, and just wait for when I call you again….uh…” Stella trailed off.
“What the fuck where you two called again?”

The two Sinners at the end of the table smiled. Both were humanoid: the male sinner had red skin, a single thick horn in the middle of his head, dog ears and oversized canine teeth.
The female sinner had Blue skin, her long hair obscured the upper portion of her face, only revealing her mouth. A pair of horns jutted out from her forehead and large, gem-like protrusions stuck out of both of her hands.
Both wore black suits, and the red-skinned sinner wore a pair of sunglasses.

“You can just call me Agent One,” the red skinned one replied.

“And I am Agent Two,” the female one added.

“I really don’t care, just do your fucking job and do better than the last imp I hired,” Stella huffed.

Chapter Text

Vaggie was really not sure of what to make of them.

Everyone seemed… nice.
Which wasn’t suspicious by itself, Vaggie knew there were decent people in Hell.
Good people.
People she cared about.
So it only made sense that Verosika’s team would be people who were friendly, easy to get along with and willing to work with her.

A team of people who worked closely together in high pressure environments would have to get along right?

Which…I.M.P. technically counted as.

Which is why she was stuck with Kat, who was trying to put her through the damn ringer with his routine.

“You’re doing great! You sure you’ve never danced before?”

“Positive.”

“Well, you got the coordination already. You must have done something with that before?”

“Kind of.”

Not entirely a lie.

“Well, just keep it up.”

“Verosika really dragged Tex into this?”

“Eh,” Kat shrugged, “Tex is clumsy. And he’s bigger than all of us, which made it harder. You’re….”

Kat trailed off and awkwardly gestured.

“Built more like us. We should talk to Coco and Apple about your wardrobe. I bet you have nice abs.”

“…seriously?”

“Boss said you kill people for a living. We saw you kill the giant fish.
You must get a great workout from that.”

Vaggie stared at him.

“You Don’t know a lot about what we do, do you?”

“I mean, I read manga and shit.”

“It’s not that glamorous. It’s a lot of shitty work, shitty people and shitty situations,”

“….Hey, would your boss be mad if I asked to come to the next one?”

“…I mean, he might be pissed over you being part of Verosika’s crew.”

“You don’t have to tell him that part.”

——

“Who the fuck taught you guitar and why is it only that song?”

Ace was an asshole.
Grumpy.
Annoyed.

He was supposed to teach her one of Verosika’s songs.

It was not going well.

“The asshole who raised me only taught us one song.”

“Why the fuck was it Sweet Child O’ Mine?”

“He’s an asshole.”

“So you basically only know how to play that song by muscle memory.”

“…I guess?”

Ace paused and looked up to the ceiling. The annoyed look on his face softened and he sighed.

“So, in all seriousness, you don’t really know how to play the guitar.”

“….when you put it that way, yeah.”

“Alright, we’re going to have to start from scratch. You at least know some of it, so it’ll be a lot easier.”

Ace picked up his own guitar and took a seat across from her.

“Play around with it. I don’t mean play fucking Guns ‘N Roses, I mean just…mess around with it. Experiment.”

“Right.”

The two sat as Vaggie picked at and strummed the strings.

“Sorry about that,” Ace apologized.

“No, it’s ok. I mean, I kind of-“

“No, it’s technically the truth.”

Ace sighed.

“You would not believe the amount of jackasses who just straight up lie to try about their skills so that they might get close to the Boss.”

“She have a lot of stalkers?”

“Some. Tex usually roughs them up and they get the message, but some don’t get the fucking message.”

“Hrmh.”

“Especially that one bitch that runs VreosikaMaydayCanEatMyAssAndNotInAFunWay.com.org.JPG.HTML.Net.
Yes, she spelt it fucking wrong.
No one is going to cry if you blow her head off.”

“I’ll keep that in mind.”

——

Milky had taken her out to lunch.

Again.

The chubby succubus was apologetic about the whole surprise part and was desperately trying to make it up to her.

Or trying very hard to convince Vaggie to not blow her face off.

“I’m sorry.”

“Stop apologizing. It’s getting old.”

“Sorry.”

Vaggie glared at her.

“Talk about anything else. Something else.”

“How did you lose your eye?”

“One of my previous supervisors ripped it out.”

Milky paused.

“What the fuck.”

“My first job was….a mess,” Vaggie trailed off.

“Fuck, I thought my first job was bad. I was at a McMammon’s. I still can’t eat burgers.”

“How’d you get this one?” Vaggie asked.

“Talent Agency shit. You try out for a label, they look at what they want for different artists and they assign you.
I could have been with Folly of the First Man, Screaming Succubi or Chardi E. Or worse, Dante California.”

“Not a fan?”

“Fuck no, she’s all just bullshit pop crap. I thought Verosika was the same at first, but she really pours herself into her work.”

“Sometimes I don’t know why I’m really here, it’s like she doesn’t go out,”

“Eh, you’re here for when she does,”

“Hrm…..” Vaggie paused, midthought.

“wait, you said you were almost sent to be with Screaming Succubi?” She asked.

“Yeah?” Milky raised an eyebrow, “why?”

“I love their stuff, I’ll Make You Sorry is my favorite.”

“I was almost in the music video for that, but I missed the callback. You tried listening to Punk Cock Band? They’re more Riot Grrl and Screamo, but I like them. Oh!”

Milky’s face lit up.

“They’re doing a show this weekend, you wanna go? I bet I can score tickets!”

“I mean, sure.”

“Fuck yeah!”

——

Kiki was sitting on the sofa, scrolling through a phone. Vaggie paused and looked down, over he shoulder.

Kiki was odd. Quiet. Moody.
Probably from dealing with everyone and their weird antics.

…..
Vaggie quietly realized she was the Kiki of I.M.P. Or Kiki was the Vaggie of Verosika’s crew.

“What are you doing?”

“Looking at porn selfies.”

“What?”

“Verosika gets an absolute fuckton of people sending her dick pics, vagina pics, titty flashes, sometimes asshole spreads and about every single weird nudity thing you can imagine.”

“Because she’s famous?”

“Because she’s a succubus, famous and people are goddamn stupid.”

Vaggie looked down at the phone. Kiki continued to open and delete photos from inhabitants from all parts of Hell.

“How many times do you have to do this?”

“At least twice a day. Sometimes more if a concert is coming up.”

“And you don’t mind?”

“Eh.” Kiki shrugged, “I’ve been with her the longest, it’s why she trust me to do this.”

“Still…”

“It’s not a big deal, I can handle it. Most of these assholes are too afraid to show up in person anyway.”

“…can I watch?”

“Pervert,” Kiki chuckled.

Vaggie took a seat next to her as she continued to scroll through the phone.

“Wait, I recognize that one,” Vaggie pointed at the penis on screen.

“I thought you were a lesbian.”

“I am, it’s…” Vaggie paused, “it’s my friend’s dick.”

“It’s a nice dick.”

“I wouldn’t know.”

“You sleeping with her?”

“I’m not her type and she’s not mine. She’s like the first real friend I made.”

“Why’d she send you dick pics?”

“Showing off her new cock ring.”

Kiki looked back at the photo.

“What’s her name?”

“Sallie May. I’m pretty sure you guys met.”

“Only briefly. Hm.”

Kiki fiddled with the phone and sent the photo to someone else.

“Sometimes I like to forward the cute ones to myself.”

“I should add that Sallie May like to kill people.”

“Proven or unproven?”

“I’ve helped her bury the bodies, but no one can pin things on her.”

Kiki thought it over.

“That’s kind of hot.”

——

Josh reminded her of Moxxie.

Kind. Sweet. A people pleaser. Nervous.
Twitchy.

And the one in charge of organizing where she was going to perform.

“Right, so we have a couple of performances in Wrath, Envy and Greed. Two are set up for the human world…wait, do you have a human disguise?”

Josh looked up from his paperwork.

“Yeah.”

“Show me.”

With a gesture, the Human disguise she had used with Octavia appeared.

“Neat. Little intimidating, needs to match the vibe more. Have you used an Asmodian Crystals before?”

“No, we used…other methods to get to earth. And I can only cover one other person with my disguise,” Vaggie responded as the disguise vanished.

“Well, that’s not a problem here. We’ll….well, I don’t know what the plan for that is yet, we’ll have to talk with Verosika.”

“When is her next performance?”

“In a week, she’ll be debuting a new song as well. That’s why she’s been stressed out and flustered. Once that’s done, she gets to unwind and relax and that means…”

“I don’t have to be in the room right?”

“No, just nearby.”

Josh paused.

“Unless you want to be.”

“Look, I walked in on Blitzo jerking it with a horse toy taped to a fleshlight, I really don’t want to see anyone else doing something like that.”

Josh stared at her, dumbstruck.

“Why would you tell me that?”

“…….Sorry.”

“Fuck, that’s not an image I’m getting out of my head anytime soon.”

——-

Apple and Coco took her out to get better clothes.

“What’s wrong with what I have?”

“The coat is on the small side,” Apple pointed out.

“It’s from Blitzo.”

“And your other uniform makes you look like you work at a hotel, no offense,” Coco stated.

“No it….ok, yeah, I guess it does.”

“So the big thing is you gotta fit the group aesthetic,”

“So we’re here to do some shopping!”

“And ma-“

“No makeovers,” Vaggie interrupted.

“And no makeovers!” Coco quickly corrected herself.

“…well, it can’t be that bad.”

“Alright, let’s get you something fun!”

——

Vaggie stared back at the mirror: a white top with a pair of large Xs over her chest. Black leggings and shorts with a red belt.

“Well what do you think?” Apple asked.

“I mean… I guess it looks ok?”

“I think the dress version looks better, but I guess you need to be able to move fast and not worry about stuff like that,” Coco rubbed her chin.

“If I kick higher enough, I don’t want someone looking up there.”

“Trust me, no one is going to notice. Let’s get you some more outfits.”

“Fuck.”

“Look, you can pick up something nice! Got a girlfriend you need to impress?” Apple grinned.

“No.”

“Even better! We can get you something that’ll make the girlies wanna scream.”

“Urgh.” Vaggie groaned.

“Not into romance?”

“My last relationship was….looked down on.”

“What, by the imp?”

“No, someone else. My old boss and supervisor were assholes. And I think she was homophobic.”

“Yeah, fuck that bitch,”

“Let’s get you something good!”

——

Verosika looked up from her paperwork: Vaggie stood there, black T-shirt, fishnet gloves, white jacket with torn elbows and sleeves, and tattered jeans stood before her.

“…..”

“Apple and Coco did it,” Vaggie sighed.

“It looks good on you.”

“Oh…uh, thanks.”

“Josh probably mentioned it, but I have a show next week Friday. So you’ll be on duty. Josh will handle most of the details, but have you been to Bitch Wrinkle before?”

“What?”

“That’s a no then,” Verosika sighed, “Blitz-O didn’t let you party?”

“Not really my thing.”

“You doing anything tomorrow night?”

“No.”

“You and the sluts are going to party there then. Let you check the place out and get to know them all better.”

“Everyone?”

“No, Make it a girl’s night. I’ll go if I can, but I’m not promising anything. I’ll give you the business card, so whatever shit you guys get up to can be passed off as a business expense, alright?”

“I guess so.”

“Fuck, be confident. You go around killing assholes with a maybe and an I guess so?”

“Alright, I’ll go.”

“Good, tell the sluts for me.”

Chapter Text

This was a terrible idea.

Bitch Wrinkle turned out to be a fairly big club and the five of them had a booth near the back.

Vaggie had already spotted three possible vulnerable points from the stage and-

“Stop staring at whatever the fuck you’re staring at and have a shot.”

Milky shoved a glass into Vaggie’s face.

“To our girl, Vagatha!” Milky held up her glass.

“That’s not my name.”

“I fucking told you.” Apple smugly replied.

“Shut up,”

Vaggie rolled her eye and grabbed the glass. The girls clinked glasses and all downed the alcohol. Vaggie made a face as she placed it back on the table.

“What the hell is this?”

“Satan’s Asshole. Fucking expensive ass vodka.” Kiki stated.

“It’s the good shit,” Coco laughed.

“Anyway, we had a bet,” Milky ignited her, “On what Vaggie was short for. I said Vagatha.”

“I thought it was like how Maggie is short for Margaret,” Apple admitted.

“And I said What kind of stupid name is Vargaret or Vargarita or whatever?” Coco countered, “I voted that it was a nickname or stage name or whatever.”

“I voted real name,” Kiki said as she stirred her drink, “I mean, you guys are named Apple and Milky, you don’t get to complain about stupid names.”

“It’s Vaggie. Just Vaggie.”

“I told you. No need to pay me, you girls are getting the next couple of rounds,” Kiki smiled at them, “you girls know my regular and….what’s your poison, Vaggie?”

“I don’t really drink,” Vaggie paused.

“What do you usually drink?”

“Coffee.”

Kiki glanced at the others.

“Get her a Chernobog. And get yourselves something too.”

“Pentagram City Iced Tea!” Milky raised her hand.

Coco nodded as Apple groaned. The two slid out of the booth and headed towards the bar.

“Really? You don’t drink?”

“Beelzejuice, crappy beer and whatever people offer. Tequila’s good too,” Vaggie added.

“Not really a party girl?”

“Why the fuck do you like crappy beer?”

“It’s what we have at home,” Vaggie vacantly waved her hand.

“You get paid, don’t you? You can go buy better stuff.”

“I didn’t really drink before this.”

Kiki and Milky stared at her.

“My old boss didn’t really like us drinking. At least, not without him.”

“That sucks.”

“It’s ok,” Milky slid over and patted Vaggie’s shoulder, “we are going to get you wasted tonight.”

“Back!”

Apple placed a glass filled with a dark colored liquid in front of Vaggie. A tall glass with a ridiculous number of paper umbrellas was placed in front of Milky and a tall glass filled with orange liquid.

“What is this?” Vaggie pointed at her drink.

“Vodka and coffee liqueur.”

“Try it, you’ll like it!”

Vaggie picked up the glass and sighed.

“Anyway, cheers!” Milky held hers up with both hands.

The girls followed suit and Vaggie took a drink.

A pause as the others stared at her.

“This is good.”

“I figured.”

——

“So let me get this right…” Apple pushed away her empty glass.

“You used to kill people, got sick of it, quit, your old supervisor tore out your eye and now you kill different people for a living?”

“Yep.” Vaggie replied as she took another sip.

“How is it any different?”

“I ask myself that all the time. Maybe it’s because I went from killing people who were already paying for it to people who deserve it.”

Vaggie paused and drained the rest of her drink.

“Well, you were part of that bullshit at the Princess’s hotel,” Coco stated.

“Yeah.”

Vaggie glanced down.

“That’s your third Chernobog, that is a lot of coffee liqueur. You want something else?”

“Surprise me.”

“Vodka or something else?”

“I have an idea!”

Milky ran off.

“…should I be worried?”

“Eh.”

Apple and Coco shrugged.

“So anyway, the Hotel bullshit,” Coco continued, “why the fuck did you guys even do that?”

“We were paid.”

“Shit, she must have paid you a lot to get you to agree to that.”

“Thing is…” Vaggie trailed off, “well, I don’t want to talk about how much we got paid.”

“Unless she made you Queen of the Damned, there’s not enough money in Hell, Heaven and Earth to make me risk my life like that,” Kiki stated.

“Which brings up the question of why the Hell Tex would want to help you.”

Vaggie paused.

“Tex is a nice guy.”

“Not that nice that he’ll do shit like that for free.”

“Well-“

“Back!”

Milky placed shots in front of everyone.

“This one first.”

Coco eyes it carefully.

“Is this what I fucking think it is?”

“Drink it fi-“

Milky trailed off as Vaggie downed it in one go.

“What was it?” She asked as she put the empty glass down.

“…do you feel anything?” Milky asked, a smile on her face.

“….not really?” Vaggie shrugged.

“….nothing?”

“Did you give her that bullshit drink?” Apple snapped, “I fucking told you not to do that again after what happened with Ace.”

“What happened?”

“It’s called a Dirty Mat, it’s all the alcohol and shit that split in the Bartender’s areas. It’s fucking gross,” Coco made a face.

“Ace threw up on the table. Josh threw up on the floor.
We all thought Kat was ok, until he tried to stand up and fell face first.” Kiki stated.

“To be fair, theirs was later in the night and this one is still early,” Milky defended.

“….so you guys don’t want yours?” Vaggie motioned to

“Vaggie!”

“What? I’ve had worse.”

Coco and Apple pushed their drinks over to Vaggie in disgust.

“Jesus Titty Fucking Christ, Vags. Have some standards,” Kiki shook her head as she pushed her shot glass over.

“….fuck,” Milky pouted.

“Your fault for trying to pull that shit again.”

——-

Verosika stared at the scene in front of her: Coco sat sobbing into Apple’s shoulder as the succubi patted her back. Kiki buried her face into both hands, barely paying attention to everything around her. Milky laid, sprawled out on the other part of the booth, sobbing.

“What the fuck did you dumb sluts do now and where the fuck is Vaggie?”

“Vaggie can really hold her alcohol,” Apple stated.

“…and?”

“She’s drunk like the equivalent of three bottles of vodka, a bottle of tequila and at least another bottle of some horrible mix of hard liquor”

Verosika frowned.

“Where is she?”

All four of them pointed at the bar: an obviously intoxicated Vaggie awkwardly sat at the bar, jacket half off, Eyepatch askew, a drink in her hand. Her face was flushed, and the sharkgirl sitting next to her had an awkward look on her face.

“What is she doing?”

“Flirting.”

“Make it stop!” Milky sobbed, “I can’t take much more of it! I think I’m dying!”

“You know…” Vaggie slurred as she smiled at the sharkgirl.
“I don’t have a library card, but do you mind if I check you out?”

The bartender and sharkgirl winced. Verosika facepalmed as Coco sobbed into her girlfriend’s shoulder.

Milky screamed and rolled off of the seat and onto the ground.

“Why do I have to be the fucking adult here…”

Verosika marched over to the bar and placed a hand on Vaggie’s shoulder.

“I think that’s enough.”

“Heeeeyyyy Boss!” Vaggie spun around and beamed, “Glad you could make it.”

“Fuck, how drunk are you?”

“I don’t know. I’ve never been like this before.”

“Double Whiskey. On the rocks,”

Verosika glanced at Vaggie.

“You cut her off yet?”

“She ain’t puking or unconscious.”

“Get her one too then,”

Without another word, Verosika dragged Vaggie out of the seat and towards the booth.

“Sorry, Pretty lady. But I guess she likes me more.”

Vaggie laughed as Verosika stuffed her into the booth.

“Hey guys, did you see her face? I think she’s into me,”

Kiki sighed again as Milky slowly sat back up.

“Please stop her, I’m dying.”

“What did you idiots do?”

“We just talked and drank. A lot.” Apple stated.

“Vaggie drinks like a fucking fish.”

“Clearly,” Verosika watched as Vaggie slumped over towards her.

After a moment, she propped her head up and gave Verosika something that the succubi assumed was supposed to be flirty.

“If I told you you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?”

Milky screamed and fell to the floor again. Verosika winced.

“Fuck, get Milky out of here before she fucking dies.
And you, no more stupid pick-up lines.”

“I’ll stop when one works,”

“I’ll take Milky home,” Kiki slipped out of the booth and dragged the other succubi away.

“We should go too before Coco ends up like….that,” Apple gestured at Milky.

“Are you ok with….this?” Coco asked.

“I’ll fucking deal with it,”

“Sorry,”

The other two slipped out. Verosika sighed.

“You are unbelievable.”

“It’s fun!” Vaggie slumped forwards and bashed her head on the table.

“Ow.”

“Still fun?”

The two glasses of whiskey appeared on the table. Verosika pushed one towards Vaggie.

“Don’t just gulp it down, talk first. Like who the fuck taught you to flirt?”

“My old boss. That’s what he’d do.”

“…So not Blitz-o.”

“Fuck, Blitzo is more like….more like a roommate and a friend, not a boss. And he’s not a lover like you.”

Verosika paused and looked up.

“He ever say why we broke up?”

“Horses and money?”

“No, that’s just the final excuse. I told him I loved him.”

Vaggie looked up.

“….oh.”

“Fuck, do you know what it’s like to finally admit to someone how you feel, only for them to throw it back in your face and mock you for it?”

“Yeah.”

Verosika looked up.

“What?”

“We weren’t supposed to form relationships. But it happened anyway.” Vaggie traced circles in the condensation on the table.

“What happened?”

“My superior mocked me for it. Insulted me. She was a homophone…hominid….Fuck she hates gays. The girl I liked never said anything, but she ignored me. Probably said shit behind my back.
They all probably still wonder why I ended up doing what I did, and that’s part of it. I think.”

“…that sucks.”

“Yeah. Both of them are dead now. I saw a cannibal tear her face off with her teeth. Fucking Susan.”

Vaggie took a drink as Verosika stared at her.

“You have a weird fucking life.”

“Yeah.
Like….yeah,”

Vaggie downed the rest of her drink and motioned to a waiter.

“Can I get like, two more of these? Thanks.”

Vaggie turned her attention back to Verosika.

“I probably shouldn’t be saying shit, but Blitzo fucked up with me.
Kind of.”

“Yeah?”

“I told him the truth about me. I thought he was drunk and passed out. He was just drunk. Pretended.
Got mad at me over wanting to help Princess Charlie and outed me.”

“…that asshole.”

“Yeah. I was….I wasn’t pissed. I was just surprised. And hurt. And that’s why I had to tell Tex.”

“That’s still a dick move.”

Vaggie shrugged, “What happened happened.”

Two more glasses were placed on the table.

“But enough about Blitzo. Let’s keep going.”

“I can drink to that.”

The two clinked glasses and downed it.

——

Pain.
Agonizing pain.

Almost as bad as when she got her wings and eye torn off.

Almost.

Vaggie groaned as she sat up and gripped her head.

“Agh. Fuck. How much did I drink last night?”

She opened her eye and looked around: blankets everywhere on the bed. Several pillows laying around. A dresser sat next to the doors to a walk-in closet and full body mirror. A desk with a pile of paper.

“Where am I?”

Vaggie tossed the blankets off of her and froze.

She was naked.

“Fuck, what did I do?”

She jumped out of bed and began to look for her clothes and weapons. The door began to creak open. Vaggie spun around. Verosika entered the room, dressed in a nightgown, a large mug in her hand.

“Hey, I got some….”

Verosika trailed off as the top of a spear appeared in her face.

“What the fuck, Vaggie?”

“Where am I? Why am I naked?”

“My apartment. Wasn’t about to go to Blitz-O’s place to drop you off. Not that I know where that is.”

“Where’s my clothes?”

“You threw up everywhere, they’re being washed. And I left you clothes there,”

Verosika pointed a finger at the chair.

“And get this thing out of my face. Fuck, I spent like, fifteen drunken minutes trying to find that thing. Where the fuck do you store it, in your ass? And drink this.”

Verosika pushed the spear out of the way and handed her the mug.

“It’s for your hangover, don’t ask what’s in it, just know it’s what works for me.
Then put your fucking clothes on and let’s eat something.
You know, you cost me a fuck ton of money last night, you know how much you drank?”

“…no.”

Vaggie took the mug and took a sip.

“All I can fucking say is that next Friday’s show better be a fucking success.”

“…sorry.” Vaggie apologized as she put the spear away.

“Seriously! Where the fuck are you keeping that?”

Chapter Text

“I’m just saying, go somewhere outside of the Pride Ring for your date,” Husk paused to put the glass away.
“You can leave, you might as well spend some time away from all the new dumbfucks you have here.”

Loona and Husk watched as Mari fell off a ladder.

“Seriously.”

“Mari, I told you to use the red ladder, not that one!” Loona barked.

“It’s not there! Someone put it somewhere else!” The other Hellhound barked back.

“Oh for fuck’s sake,” Loona shook her head.

“Y’know, I bet you could probably score some good tickets to some fancy club down in Lust or something,” Angel stated as he took a seat next to her.
“You could get a nice Dinner and a Show. And the kind you think I mean,”

“Angel.”

“Ok, just a dinner and a nice, nonsexual show,” Angel rolled his eyes.

“Charlie knows all the other Sins, right?” Husk ignored Angel.

“Yeah.”

“You ever meet them?”

“No. They don’t come around much and we never had a reason to go to any other ring.”

“I’d love to meet Asmodeus. Guy’s an inspiration.” Angel sighed, “and I bet he’s got a magnum Dong.”

Loona and Husk stared at Angel in disgust.

“….I mean he’s huge, like King Kong. Gotta have a King Dong.”

“He runs a club down in Lust, right?”

“Exclusive as shit.”

“Charlie’s basically his niece right? Think he’d do her a favor?” Husk continued.

“Wouldn’t hurt to try.”

——

“So…Charlie, I have a favor to ask. I mean, it’s not really a favor for just me. It’s for both of us. But I mean, I’m the one asking for it and…”

Loona trailed off. She paused and dragged her hand down her face.

“Let me start that again. You think Asmodeus could get tickets to his club? I want to take you somewhere nice away from the Hotel and Pride Ring.”

Loona stared at the mirror and groaned.

“I think that was good!”

“Shut up Frank.”

“Okay.”

The Egg Boi ran off as Loona groaned again.

“This isn’t going to work.”

“Why don’t you just ask her like a normal person?”

Loona glanced down at Mari.

“It’s not that simple.”

“You’re literally dating her, how is that not simple?”

“You wouldn’t get it.”

“Oh, you would understand how difficult my life is because I’m dating the Princess of Hell,” Mari snarked, “I’m the second luckiest Hellhound in all the Seven Rings.”

“….second?”

“Tex and Bee can communicate like a regular couple.”

“That’s…that’s different.”

“Tex trusts Bee to talk to him like a normal person. You saying you don’t trust the Princess?”

“That’s not what I’m saying at all!”

“What’s going on?”

The two looked up as Charlie approached the two.

“Frank said you needed something?” Charlie asked.

“Loona has a question for you,” Mari kicked the bigger Hellhound’s shin.
“Sorry, gotta go. Niffty found the…wood…anthoppers…roaches. Gotta go help her kill them.”

Mari ran off.

“What’s up?” Charlie asked.

“It’s…..”

Loona paused and took a deep breath.

“Do you think Asmodeus could get us into his club tonight? I want to take you somewhere nice.”

“That’s a great idea!” Charlie beamed, “I can give him a call….although I haven’t really called him in a while. I’ll let you know.”

“Great! I’ll be…here.”

Charlie pulled out her phone and dialed.

“Hi Uncle Ozzie? It’s Charlie Morningstar?”

“I told you,” Mari stuck her head out of a doorway.

“Shut up.”

“Great! We’ll be there tonight!”

Charlie hung up the phone and spun around.

“Tonight at seven!”

“Great!”

“I have to start getting ready.”

“It’s eleven in the morning?” Mari glanced at the clock on the wall.

Charlie ran off without another word.

“…Shit, what should I wear?”

“I’d go with a suit. You probably look like shit in a dress.”

“Fuck off.”

——

Loona paused and looked at the mirror. The dress looked good.

“Cherri, why do you even have this?”

“Stole it off a Vee supply truck after I blew it up. Probably for one of their workers.”

Loona looked back in the mirror.

“Is it too much?”

“Girl, you’re goin’ down to Lust, if anything you’re too stuffy an’ shit. Charlie say what she was wearin’?”

“No, but my guess is a dress.”

“….”

Cherri’s eye narrowed.

“Don’t fucking tell me this is the first time you’ve seen her inna dress.”

“It’s the first time like this.”

“Fuck girl, stop overthinkin’s shit.”

The door opened and closed.

“Whatdya see, Frank?”

“It’s sparkly and stuff!”

Loona paused.

“You sent Frank to spy on Charlie?”

“Spy? Naw, that’s not nice. More…” Cherri trailed off and gestured.

“I wanted to see how pretty the princess would be!”

“There y’go! That’s why yer my favorite Egg Boi.”

“I’m the only one left.”

“That too. Anyway, y’better get goin’. Y’talk ‘bout you’ll get there?”

“….shit.”

“I can drive!”

“Can you even leave the Pride ring?”

Frank paused.

“I dunno.”

“We’ll figure something out.”

Loona got up and left the room.

—-

“Looking good, Looney,” Ange clapped his hands.

“Didn’t know you even had that,” Husk stated.

“It’s not mine.”

“Either way, it’s a good look for you,”

Husk slid a shot toward her.

“Some liquid courage?”

“Charlie came out yet?” Loona asked as she took the shot.

“No.”

Loona downed the shot and slid the glass back to Husk.

“Hey, if it ain’t too much to ask, can you get Asmodeus’ autograph for me?” Angel asked, “I mean, only if you can.”

“Sorry! Were you waiting long?”

“No-oohh…..” Loona trailed off as she turned to look up.

Charlie made her way down the stairs and twirled.

“What do you think? Is it too much?”

The bottle slipped from Husk’s hands and all eight of Angel’s eyes blinked.
Niffty ran into a wall.

“You…you look amazing. Fuck, I didn’t know you even had that.”

“It’s great right?” Charlie grabbed Loona’s hands and hauled her out of her seat, “Husk, you’re in charge!”

“Wait, how are we even supposed to get there?” Loona asked.

Charlie paused.

“….oops.”

“we’ll fig-“

“Hey, your ride’s here!” Another Hellhound yelled out from the front door.

“What are you talking about?”

The hellhound jabbed a thumb behind him.
“You tell me, Boss.”

The group rushed towards the door: a fancy car sat there in front of the hotel. The window rolled down and another Hellhound stuck her head out.

“You tell Mari I’m not a goddamn taxi and she owes me for this!”

Loona glanced back into the hotel. Mari flashed twin thumbs up back at her.

——

Charlie could barely contain her glee at what was going on.
A date.
With Loona.
At Uncle Ozzie’s.

Their first real date since they started actually officially dating.
….outside of the lunch they had at the new cafe that opened up.
And coffee.
And drinks at Consent.
And-

…..
Ok, so it was their first, really fancy date.

The car came to a stop in front of the club and the Hellhound turned back to look at them.

“You guys are going to have to figure out your own way back, Mari’s not paying me shit.”

“Here,” Charlie dumped a pile of bills on the front passenger’s seat, “for your troubles.”

“Thanks…uh…” Loona trailed off.

“Lilo,” the Hellhound responded.

“Thanks, Lilo.”

The door opened and a shirtless imp bouncer looked in.

“Line start’s back there, ladies.”

“Special reservation? Under Charlie Morningstar?”

“…Seriously?”

“Dumbass, do you think she’d lie about that?”

“Lady we get a bunch of assholes saying shit like that, do you-“

“Charlie!” A booming voice called out.

The imp was shoved to the side as a large, burly demon took up the open space. Bright blue flames filled the car as a thin, Dark blue face smiled at the couple. The smaller ram and ox head to the side of the main head also smiled.

“Uncle Ozzie!”

“How’s my favorite niece doin’ tonight?”

“Sir?” The imp asked.

“Jesse, didn’t you get the memo? I had VIP’s showing up and-“

“GET OUT OF MY CAR!” Lilo screamed.

“We’ll talk about this later,” Asmodeus turned his attention back to the two, “ladies?”

Asmodeus backed away and offered a hand. Charlie took it and Asmodeus helped her out of the card. The demon of Lust offered a second hand and helped Loona out.

“Is that the princess?” Someone in the crowd murmured.

“And a Hellhound?”

“She’s dating a Hellhound?”

“She’s a lesbian?”

“She ran down the street singing last week, no shit she’s a lesbian.”

Cameras flashed as Asmodeus escorted the two into the club.

“I don’t believe we’ve formally met. Asmodeus, the King of Lust.”

“Loona, just Loona.”

“Well then, Just Loona, I hope you ladies have a nice time. I got you girls up in the VIPWB section, which means a set menu, don’t worry about payment, food and drinks are on the house tonight. And after the show we got a lot of catching up to do.”

An imp in a jester costume appeared.

“And now I’m gonna hand the two of you off to-“

“Hey ya Girls! It’s Fizzarolli!” Small fireworks went off as the imp gestured and bowed, “the Boss asked me to get you guys up to your seats, so follow me!”

“See you girls at the after show!” Asmodeus waved and vanished.

Fizzarolli motioned for them to follow him.

“Hey, just so I know, am I allowed to poke a little fun at you two during the show? I mean, I do it for everyone, but there’s a big difference between making fun of some random imp couple for singing sappy love songs and making fun of the Devil’s Daughter.”

Loona glanced at Charlie.

“Nothing big,” Charlie stated, “we just want to have a nice time.”

“Right then, a little light ribbin’. Nothing that’s gonna make her wanna maul me.”

“Well…Loona will be the judge of what it takes.”

“….how about I just point you out in the audience and we see where that takes us?” Fizzarolli asked, “not looking forward to getting beat up again.”

Fizzarolli paused and pulled the curtains aside.

“Ladies. Someone will be by with drinks in a bit. Anything special?”

“Champagne?” Charlie looked at Loona.

“And whiskey. Straight.”

“Anything else, Princess?”

“Red wine.”

“You got it. Oh, and before I forget, Mammon’s Big Clown Pageant is coming up and if you ladies want tickets I….can probably ask Mammon if he’s willing to give you something resembling a discount.”

“We’ll keep it in mind.”

“Well then, enjoy the show!”

The two stepped through the curtains and looked around: the balcony seat overlooked the entire room. The imps, succubi and goat demons in the cages suspended near the ceiling waved at the two.

“Wow, you really can see everything!”

“And down everything,” Loona peaked over the side.

One of the succubi paused for a moment.

“Fuck a duck, that’s Princess Morningstar.”

“Hi! Yeah, just on a date!”

“….shit, you’re way out of your league, huh?”

Loona’s ears flattened and she growled.

“That’s not very nice,” Charlie huffed, “you-“

“What? no, I’m talking about her,” the Succubi pointed a finger at Loona, “You really wanna stay with a stick like her?”

“I’m happy with her.” Loona growled.

The succubi shrugged, “suit yourself. But if you ever need a rebound…”

“Oh my Satan, Vanilla, Shut the fuck up and leave them alone,” a sheep demon groaned.

Loona pulled the seat back and offered it to Charlie.

“Thank you!”

A moment later Loona took her own seat and an imp waiter appeared.

“Drinks ladies?”

“Oh, thank you.”

The waiter placed them on the table and walked off. Loona picked up her flute glass and glanced over to Charlie.

Charlie held up her glass.

“Thanks Loona,”

“Hey, you’re the one that made it happen.”

The two clinked glasses and took a drink.

The lights dimmed, Music started and the two glanced over towards the stage.

“See you girls later,” Vanilla waved at the two as the cages descended.

“HEY HEY HEY, all you filthy degenerates and degeneratees! Welcome to the number one club in all of lust, Ozzie’s!
I’m your whorey host for everything you’re in for tonight, Fizzarolli! You know me! You love me! You probably do things to the dolls with my face on them….and please don’t tell me. Fuck, last week some asshole told me he fit the whole doll up his…well, you know,”

Fizzarolli paused as the crowd laughed.

“Anyway, we got a great line up for you tonight! We got The Used Tissues, Rocksleeves and dicks,”

The imp paused, pulled out a pair of reading glasses, a script and began reading.

“…no, shit, that’s right. Their band name is dicks. All lowercase.”

Fizzarolli put his glasses away and tossed the script away.

“Well, whatever. Long as they know the game. But first! We have some special guests here in the club…Perverts, Coomers, Deviants and couples, can I get a round of something positive for Princess Charlie Morningstar and her girlfriend Loona?
Personally, I would suggest clapping so her daddy doesn’t try to smite all of us.”

A spotlight appeared on the two as Charlie cheerfully waved at the crowd. Half-hearted awkward applause and cheers rang out.

“Good enough! Anyway, let’s get our first act out here! All the way from Sloth, give at least one hand up for Peggin’ Thee Stallion!”

——

The food was delicious.
The entertainment was….awkward. Good, but a little awkward.

Charlie has whispered that she wanted to try that one day, and Loona wasn’t exactly going to say no.

And now this.

“Big guy’s expecting you,” a bouncer nodded and opened the door.

Asmodeus and Fizzarolli sat on a sofa, a spread of light snacks, drinks and more on the table in front of them.

“Charlie! Loona! Did you girls enjoy the show?”

“It was great!”

“It was definitely something,”

“Well, you know how it goes. Have a seat, we got a lot of catching up to do!” Asmodeus gestured to the sofa on the other side of the table.

“So we got a lot of catching up to do, and I know this is an awkward question, but what happened to that boy you were with before?” Asmodeus paused, “what was his name, Slytherin, Sebastion…”

“Seviathan. We broke up a long time ago, before I met Loona.”

“Oh girl, you were too good for him. And how did the two of you meet?”

Loona and Charlie exchanged an awkward glance.

“Well uh…you know my mom left me and my dad, and-“

“She what?” Asmodeus interrupted.

“Seven years ago.”

“…huh, no wonder Lucifer keeps missing the Meetings. Anyway…”

“He adopted me from and gave me to Charlie as a companion.”

“Wait, so is he your owner or is Charlie?” Fizzarolli asked.

“To be honest, we’re really not sure.”

“So either you’re technically siblings, or the princess here is technically your mom.”

“Either way, the implications are hilarious,” Asmodeus laughed.

“….ugh,” Loona snapped up a cup and took a drink, “….This is good, what is it?”

“Bee ain’t the only one who can make alcohol. Making a little move into the market with wine, perfect for romantic moments, cheating or just getting shitfaced with a friend and letting it go a little further than it should. Anyway, I heard the two of you started a little business in redeeming sinners…”

“Yeah, it’s….” Charlie trailed off.

“A work in progress.”

“Well, you ladies know I can’t officially endorse it, but I wish you two luck. Gonna need it.”

“Let me show you some pictures!” Charlie pulled out her phone. Asmodeus reached over and placed her on his shoulder.

——

“Hey.”

Fizzarolli appeared on the couch next to Loona.

“Hey. Thanks for not roasting us too much.”

“Look, the last time I made fun of a loving couple, the guy’s wife tried to brain me with a guitar. Ain’t got a lot of body parts left to lose.”

The two sat for a moment and watched as Charlie and Asmodeus laughed.

“You know that feeling right?” Fizzarolli asked.

“How the hell could I be so lucky and what the hell does someone like that see in me?”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah,” Loona agreed, “it’s not like the two of you are some well-kept secret.”

“I know. And just gonna give you some advice, that thing you’re wondering and feeling? Never goes away.”

Fizzarolli paused and took a drink.

“We’re both losers, baby, Imps and Hellhounds are the lowest of the low and somehow we stumbled into relationship with someone at the top of the food chain.”

“And we know they mean it because of that,” Loona added.

“Yeah…” Fizzarolli finished his drink and refilled it. He offered the bottle to Loona, who took it and topped off hers.

“It’s a great feeling,” He held up his glass, “to romance?”

“To romance.”

The two clinked glasses and took a drink.

Chapter Text

“Right, go over the list again,” Verosika took a drink from her flask.

“Venue personnel are setting everything up. Josh and Ace will oversee that.
Kiki and Kat are overseeing the instrument set up and testing.
Apple and Coco are making sure the costume and makeup are ready to go.
And Milky is pregaming.”

“Already?”

“I guess?”

Vaggie flipped through the contract.

“What does Milky do? I think her name was only on two pages.”

“She’s the main backup dancer/slut.”

“….is someone on uh..” Vaggie looked through the paper again, “protection?”

“Don’t worry about it, it only matters on Earth. You know what happened the last time a Succubi wasn’t up to date on their shots and protection?”

Vaggie thought it over.

“….AIDS?”

“No, the Black Plague.”

Vaggie blinked.
“….What.”

“Don’t think about it.”

Vaggie looked down at the list again.

“….a bowl of hard candies with all the Imp dicks picked out?”

“Ozzie’s Candy Cock Suckers. Comes in Hellhound, Imp, Incubi, Shark, Goat, Fish and Human dick shapes. It’s a test to see if those assholes actually read the instructions.”

“…huh.”

Vaggie glanced back at the list.

“And these are the two you’re worried about?”

Vaggie spun the paper around.

“Greg is a moron who I had to fire two years ago because he’s lazy and stupid.
Sometimes he shows up and tries to pretend he’s still part of the group.
Jackquline is a stupid stalker bitch who has it out for me.”

“You want her dead, or….”

“Use your discretion. And no using guns.”

“…really?”

“You still have your spear and…” Verosika vacantly waved her hand, “whatever other weapons you have hidden away.
What do you have?”

“Throwing knives. Non-Angelic steel.”

“…where the fuck did you keep those?” Verosika made a face.

“They’re new.”

“Also no drinking on the job. I know you can hold your liquor, but still.”

“Wouldn’t do it even if it was ok.”

“Right then, let’s go.”

——

“This the guy you were warning me about then,”

Vaggie gestured at the scene in front of them. A scantily dressed incubi sat on a speaker, arguing with Ace and Kiki.

“It’s not supposed to be there, it’s always in the other corner!” He yelled.

“Greg, you don’t even work with us anymore, you dumb fuck!” Ace yelled back.

“I thought we had a restraining order,” Kiki grumbled.

“Nobody pays attention to those!”

“Yeah, this is the asshole,” Verosika sighed, “do what you want, just don’t kill him.”

“…you sure?”

“It’s too damn early to deal with dead bodies. Fuck, if you need me, I’m getting a drink.”

Verosika vacantly waved her hand and walked off. Vaggie shrugged and made her way to the disturbance.

“You only got to your position because you eat ass!” Greg jabbed a finger at Ace, “Fucking b-“

“Hey.”

Vaggie placed a hand on Greg’s shoulder. The incubus whirled around and stared at the empty air.
After a moment, he looked down at her.

“Who the fuck is this? Why wasn’t I told?”

“Because you don’t work for her anymore, cum for brains! You too busy taking dicks in your ears to notice?” Kiki snapped.

“Look, you’re going to have to leave and not come back.”

“I have a right to be here!”

Greg began to turn away from Vaggie, only for her to grab his arm.

“Last warning.”

“What the fuck are you g-“

Vaggie yanked his arm and spun him around. She balled up her free hand and smashed it into his solar plexus. He doubled over, and fell limp into Vaggie’s arms. She glanced around: Kiki and Ace stared at her, slack jawed and Verosika took a drink.

“What? It was faster.”

“Is he dead?”

“No, but he’s gonna wish he was.”

——

The Setup had gone by without any other incidents.
Mostly.

“I don’t know who the fuck you think you are, but do you think you can keep me away from my one true love?” An overweight, unkempt Hellhound yelled.

“Yep.”

“You can’t stop lo-“

He was cut off as Vaggie smashed her palm into his face. His muzzle crumpled, teeth shattered, and he fell to the floor in a pile.

“I’m out of love,”

Vaggie glanced at her palm and shook her hand.

“Fuck Vags, that’s like the third guy you knocked out,” Apple stated.

“It’s a living,”

Vaggie gestured and two other security Hellhounds picked up the unconscious Hellhound and dragged him away.

“Tex has to deal with this every time?”

“Usually a big muscular hellhound with one eye scares people off,” Coco stated.

“Yeah, no offense Vags, but you’re….”

“Skinny.” Apple stated.

“Not intimidating.”

“A woman.” Kat added.

Everyone stared at him.

“I mean not in a bad way! Most people just see you’re a girl and they think you can’t do anything to them. Which isn’t true, because…”

Kat trailed off.

“I’m just going to go stick my foot in my mouth over there.”

He sulked off.

“I mean, he’s not wrong,” Vaggie sighed.

“Yeah, you’re a skinny fuck who looks like you’re my backup dancer, not a bodyguard,” Verosika downed a shot glass.
“Here.”

She snapped her fingers and a server appeared with several shot glasses on a tray.

“I thought I wasn’t supposed to drink?”

“One shot of tequila isn’t going to hurt you.”

Vaggie shrugged and took the glass as Apple and Coco came up.

“Kat, get over here and get a drink.”

——

“So this is the other person you warned me about,”

“Yep.”

The two stared at the ranting succubus in front of them: poorly dyed hair, an awkwardly drawn heart tattoo under her left eye, poorly painted horns, and ill-fitted clothes that bore vague similarities to what Verosika was wearing.

“-so obviously it should be me! Nobody gives a shit about seeing the drunken washed up old hag!”

“I take offense to the Hag part,” Verosika took a drink from the glass she was holding.

“Not the washed up or old?”

“How can I be offended by those if neither is true?”

“Fair.”

“Stop fucking igno-“

The succubus stopped as she came face to face with Vaggie’s shotgun.

“I told you no guns!”

“You said no using them, not that I couldn’t have it,”

Vaggie turned her attention back to the succubus.

“Right, so…Jackquline? Back off and fuck off.”

“Or what, you’ll s-“

She was cut off as Vaggie smashed her across the face with the shotgun and knocked her to the ground. As Jackquline sat back up, Vaggie aimed the gun again and flicked off the safety.

“Shoot you? Yep.”

Without another word, Jackquline scampered back to her feet and ran off.

“Hopefully that will keep her away, but just in case.”

“Should have just shot her,” Verosika finished her drink.

“In front of your fans?”

“They’ve seen worse.”

——

She elected to remain backstage for the show. The venue security was good enough for the front of the house, which meant Vaggie would have to stay behind the scenes.

Which led to this.

“Seriously! Do I have to break your fucking legs too, Perdedor?”

Vaggie groaned as she looked down at the sprawled out Hellhound. Bandages were wrapped around his injured snout.

“Nothing is going to stop me from making it to my waifu!”

Vaggie stomped down on the Hellhound’s left kneecap. Something cracked, and he screamed.

“You done, or do I have to do the other one too? I can move to your elbows, if you want.”

“Never…”

“Which hand do you jack-off with?”

“What?”

“Answer the question!”

He slowly and awkwardly held out his left hand. Vaggie drove her spear through his palm.

“Third time today I had to deal with your sorry ass!”

Vaggie stomped down on his broken knee again.

“I have to deal with some dumbass who can’t take no for an answer!”

Another stomp.

“And I have to deal with an idiot who doesn’t want to accept he’s an idiot!”

Another.

Another.

Another.
Another.

Another. Another.
Anotheranotheranotheranotheran-

“Hey, boss.”

A hand on her shoulder broke Vaggie out of her trance.

“You uh…might want to stop. He don’t got much of a knee left.”

Vaggie glanced down at the Hellhound: passed out, vomit on his muzzle and shirt. Vaggie foot rested on exposed bones where his knee had been and surrounded by red muck.

“Oh shit, sorry.”

“Not the first mess we’ve had to clean up,” the security Helhound sighed, “You guys are going to have to pay for the clean up for that, though.”

“Yeah, I… fuck. Sorry.”

“Not used to this kind of work?”

The Hellhound gestured and two others dragged the unconscious body away.

“Yeah. Usually do Assassination stuff. One and done.”

“….How’d you get dragged into this?”

“Owed a friend a favor.”

“Go get cleaned up. There’s extra shoes back there.”

“Thanks, uh…”

“Pola. Leave your shoes here,”

Without another word, Vaggie put her spear away and slipped out of her shoes.

“Ah, fuck, it soaked into my sock.”

Vaggie tossed her socks on the bloody shoe and made her way backstage.

This was the second incident since the concert had started and the eighth overall.

An imp who had too much to drink had tried to crawl on stage, but Vaggie had very quickly dealt with her.

Vaggie had walked in on Milky while she was enjoying pre-concert oral, which was…awkward.

She-

She paused. The sound of someone climbing on metal and struggling.

Vaggie glanced around, but only saw the venue staff, as well as Kat and Coco preparing to go on stage.

She glanced up and frowned.

No one would be stupid enough to…

There.

Movement.

Someone was stupid enough to climb into the rafters above the stage.

“Hey, how do I get up there?” Vaggie grabbed the nearest employee.

“You can’t from in here, gotta do it from the outside.”

“Shit.”

Vaggie glanced up again.

“There you are.”

Her spear appeared in her hand, startling the employee next to her.

“Where the fuck did that come from?”

“Forget it.”

Vaggie moved through the backstage, eye on the ceiling.

“Who’s stupid enough to try and do that?”

The figure paused and looked down. Vaggie squinted and realized who it was.

“Jackquline.”

The succubi slipped her backpack off and began to open it. As she reached inside to pull something out, Vaggie hurled her spear.

——-

Verosika finished the song and took a breath.

Everything was going great.
Good vibes.
Receptive audience.
No mishaps.

Vaggie was doing great for her first time as an actual bodyguard.

Greg was in the hospital after Vaggie had knocked him out.
That stupid Hellhound Waifu stalker hadn’t shown up after the second time.
Jackquline ran off after Vaggie had threatened her.

“Alright Sluts! You know what time it is, so get ready fo-“

“WATCH OUT!”

Someone grabbed Verosika and yanked her to the side. She fell on whoever had grabbed her and the two hit the ground in a tangled mess. After a moment, Verosika pushed herself up and looked down.

“What the…Vaggie, what the fuck are you doing?”

“Ver, you’re mic’s on!” Coco hissed.

Before Vaggie could respond, a backpack hit the stage where she had been standing. It exploded into a mess of paint that splattered on to Coco, Apple, the stage and the audience. Verosika got back to her feet and stared at the mess.

“…Well, shit.”

“Jackquline was up there. She came back to try and sabotage the concert.”

“Where is she now?”

Something fell from the rafters and landed on one of the speakers: the upper body of a succubus, neatly cut in two at the waist. Sparks shot out of the damaged speakers and the body was quickly engulfed in a blaze.

A moment later the sprinklers came on.

“Wait, where's the rest of-“

Something else fell from the ceiling and landed on someone.

A moment later Milky started screaming.

“Oh fuck, she’s not wearing underwear!”

Everyone stared as Milky pushed the rest of the body off of her and sat back up, covered in blood.

Verosika glared at Vaggie.

“Really?”

Vaggie awkwardly smiled and shrugged.

Verosika facepalmed.

“Fuck. Good job, but still, fuck.”

Chapter Text

“Blitzo, I really can’t right now, I’m kind of stuck at my current job.” Vaggie glanced over her shoulder.

“It’s fine, M & M can deal with rescuing his stupid feathery ass.”

“Why can’t you?”

“Hold on.”

Vaggie winced and held the phone away from her ear as Blitzo threw up.

“Because I got shit coming out of all of my holes, because of something I ate.
The two are enough, it’s some dumbass sinners who don’t know what they’re doing. Just…just be on call in case they really need backup.”

“I will. Take care.”

Vaggie hung up.

“Trouble at home?”

Vaggie turned around and started to reach for her spear. She caught herself and stopped.

“Sorry, I’m still getting used to…this.”

“It’s fine,” Josh laughed, “Human disguises, am I right? It’s hideous.”

“Yeah.”

Vaggie looked in the mirror again: a brown skinned Latina woman with long black looked back at her.

“It’s just…different from what I usually use.”

“Yeah, you got to explain to me how that works some day. Like, why did Verosika turn into a blue haired French lady?”

“It just does things. I used it on Moxxie and his nose was almost as big as his head.”

“….weird.”

“I just… let’s just go do our jobs.”

Vaggie peeked out from the stage at the crowd.

Humans. Everywhere.

“How many other pop stars are actually Succubi or Incubi anyway?”

“Dunno. I know that Ice Spice and Dua Lipa are succubi.” Josh stated.

“….I knew it.”

——

“What do you think of Human world concerts now?” Kiki asked.

“How are humans worse than demons? I swear I had to break up three fights and I’m pretty sure that there was someone fucking in the back.”

Vaggie downed her drink.

“Humans have less restraint than the average demon. That’s why they’re such easy prey for us,” Milky downed her drink.

“And they’re stupid. Like, impossibly stupid.” Ace added.

“Remember that one time in Vegas when someone tried to jump out of a hotel balcony to join the concert?” Apple laughed, “it was hilarious.”

“Babe, that guy was just committing suicide.”

“…oh.”

“And we have to do this again?” Vaggie asked.

“Yep.”

Vaggie groaned and smashed her head on the table.

“Let’s get another round over here!”

====

The Greed Ring.

Vaggie had only been here a few times: Loo Loo land, when Blitzo lost the keys to the van and she had to fight a bunch of people to get it back…

And now this.

Mammon’s Magnificent Music Concert Featuring Mammon.

“It’s just a huge bullshit music thing,” Verosika explained through a drink, “he hires whoever the big acts of the moment are, charges all the rubes out the ass and pays us Pennies.”

“…then why-“

“It’s business. Mammon is the guy making most of our demon world merchandise, so we have to play nice with him.”

“Ozzie is the one who makes all the good shit,” Kiki added, “But that’s mostly the body pillows and stuff.”

“…seriously?”

“The Verosika ones are in the top five. The only ones that do better are the Satan, Beelzebub, Adam, and Princess Charlie ones.”

Vaggie made a face.

“What was that middle one?”

“….Bee?”

“No, Adam. You said Adam. You mean the fucking first man? The Head Exorcist? The Dickmaster?”

“The what now?”

“Just… why would anyone want a body pillow of someone like that?”

“Lot of monsterfuckers out there,” Verosika shook her head.

“And y’know, it’s like all those fucked up serial killer cunts that have fangirls an’ all that shit,” a course, accented voice cut in.

Everyone turned around. A massively obese demon dressed as a jester grinned back at them.

“Hey all you Succufucks! IT’S ME! MAMMON! And…oh, real cute cunt.”

Mammon laughed as he pushed the barrel of the shotgun away from him.

“Give ya some credit, takes a lotta guts or stupidity ta point a gun at me.”

His smile turned predatory.

“Like they fuckin’ say, you come at the king, you better not miss.”

“Fuck, Vags, let’s not get our asses kicked by him,” Kiki hissed.

“Sorry. Reflex.”

Vaggie put the gun away.

“So, new bodyguard eh?”

Mammon rubbed his chin in thought.

“I mean, wimon just ain’t funny, but I guess you can kick ass and stuff.
Maybe.
I don’t fuckin’ know.
I mean, they make movies and shit about that an all the cunts do is whine about whatever stupid thing they Don’t like.”

Mammon paused.

“Anyway, she workin’ out alright?”

“She does a good job,” Verosika stated.

“Yeah, well…whatever. You ready for tonight’s big show?”

Mammon slithered over to Verosika and placed an arm around her shoulder and waist.
Verosika took another drink.

“Thrilled.”

“Put some fuckin’ effort into it. Anyway, I still got tickets fer the Big Clown Show next week if you or your sluts are interested.”

“Pass.”

“No thanks.”

“I have plans.”

“I’m plans.”

“You couldn’t pay me to go.”

“Never.”

“I have stuff to do.”

“I’m stuff.”

“Dammit Josh, we just made that joke.” Apple pouted.

“What about you, Miss Bodyguard?”

Mammon slipped away from Verosika and loomed over her. He awkwardly squatted and brought his face down to hers.

“Not my thing,” Vaggie stated.

Mammon’s smile vanished.

“We ever met before? Somethin’ about ya seems…familiar.”

“I don’t come down to the Greed Ring very often.”

“Nah,” Mammon rubbed his chin with one hand as he scratched his head with another.
“Can’t put my finger on it, but somethin’ about ya reminds me of something that I used ta know.”

Vaggie felt her heart sink.

If Beelzebub knew what she was, it would only make sense that the other sins would know too.
She-

“Ah, whatever, if it was that fuckin’ important, I’d remember that shit!” Mammon stood back up, his jovial expression back.

“Anyway, you sluts better get ready for all yer shit. Yer goin’ on after Fuck You Dad, because those are some depressing ass Cunts. nothing lighten’s the mood like somethin’ about fucking, yeah?”

Mammon vanished on a burst of green light and the sound of a cash register.

“….what did he mean by all of that?” Ace look at Vaggie.

“I…I don’t know,” Vaggie stated, “maybe he thought I was someone else?”

Verosika gave her a look and gestured at her.

“Hold on, Boss wants to talk with me,”

The two stepped off to the side and wandered around.

“I think we’re good,” Vaggie stated as she looked around.

“What was that all about? You never told me you met Mammon before.”

“I never met him before. The only Sins I’ve met before this were Lucifer and Beelzebub.”

Vaggie paused.

“I think they might be able to tell. Bee picked it up quickly.”

“And Lucifer?”

“It was the middle of the Extermination and I had my wings out, he knew what I was.”

“Is this going to be a problem?”

Vaggie paused.

“I don’t know. You know Mammon better than I do, is he…”

“He’s either playing dumb or he hasn’t realized it yet. He’s dense as fuck.”

Verosika paused as she opened a bottle of water.

“Look, he’s a showman, if he’s going to out you, he’s going to be as loud as fuck about it and do it where everyone and anyone can see you.
Stay backstage tonight. He’ll probably forget it.”

“Right.”

Vaggie continued to watch as Verosika downed the bottle.

“…what?”

“No, it’s…” Vaggie shrugged, “I think this is the first one I saw you drink something that wasn’t alcoholic or caffeinated.”

“It’s performance time, and I can’t be that buzzed.
I remember what happened the last time I tried to perform drunk.”

“….and?”

“That’s why I started wearing underwear again.”

=====

Vaggie took a breath.

“You got this.”

“ALRIGHT SLUTS! We got something a little different for you tonight.
You wanna see a new face?”

The crowd cheered.

“Then fucking give it up for Kima!”

Vaggie stepped on stage to cheers, screams and whistles. She made her way across the stage and stopped by Verosika.

“All yours, Bitch.”

Verosika passed the microphone over.

Vaggie paused.

“Hey.”

The crowd laughed.

“Look, I’m not really a talker, so let’s just get this started.”

Vaggie glanced behind her and nodded.

Kiki nodded back and began to play the guitar.

“Ah-ooooooh/
Oh-ooh, oh-oh/
Oh, I ain’t a stranger to your thorns/
Think I’m a damsel, now you’ll get the horns/
Lay low my dear, I’ll get you out of here/
I’m not a damsel, I’ll make that clear/“

Vaggie paused as the cheering from the crowd got louder.
She glanced over at Verosika who nodded back.

“Jus’ try to stop that reckoning that’s coming/
Lay down your head boy, can’t you hear those beats a drummin’/
Be as it may, by death do us part/
Think fast because momma’s gonna tear out your heart/
”

Vaggie paused and took a breath.
The crowd continued to scream as Vaggie smiled back.

——

“Good job out there,”

Their glasses clinked, and the two took a drink.

“Fuck, you’re wasting your shit with Blitz-O,” Verosika placed her glass down, “you have real fucking talent.”

“I’m fine with where I am.”

“Fuck, if I found you, you wouldn’t be saying that. We’d be big fuck music stars.”

“You’re already a big star,”

Vaggie paused and popped the top off another bottle of whiskey. She poured more into Verosika’s glass and topped her own off.

“I could do better,” Verosika bitterly replied, “Blitz-O set me back by a lot.”

“Can we not talk about Blitzo? Fuck, we can talk about anything else.”

“You know what we could talk about?”

“Yeah?”

Verosika reached out and ran her fingers down the side of Vaggie’s face.

“Yeah.”

——-

Vaggie groaned at sat up.

The vaguely familiar bed.
The vaguely familiar room.

The extremely familiar headache.

“Fuck, not again.”

“Don’t talk so loudly…” Verosika groaned from beside her.

The succubus shifted her position and sat up.

“Fuck, we need to stop doing that…” Verosika trailed off as she rubbed her head.

The two trailed off as they looked at each other.

An awkward silence hung in the room.

“We fucked?” Vaggie sighed and asked.

“Yep.”

“How can you tell?”

“You don’t smell like a virgin anymore.”

“Don’t tell anyone?”

“They’re going to realize something happened.
But I’m not saying anything.”

“I’m not saying anything.”

The two sat there awkwardly for another moment.

“….we going to do this again?”

“Without the drinking.”

“Good.”

Chapter Text

“Vags, you’ve been watching the security footage for hours, you ever going to tell us what you’re looking for?” Kat asked.

“There.”

Vaggie paused the video.

“….so what, a human crowd?”

“Yeah,”

Vaggie adjusted the screen: the screen shot showed a cheering blonde woman in the crowd.

“…and?”

“Here,”

The screen changed to another concert.

“This is the one in Florida…and there.”

The video paused and Vaggie zoomed in.
A blonde woman cheering in the crowd.

“….I still don’t get it.”

“What’s going on?” Coco and Apple walked in.

“Her.”

Vaggie tapped the screen.

“Florida.”

She changed the screen back to the previous crowd.

“New York.”

Vaggie changed to another video and paused.

“Vegas.”

“….it’s the same woman.” Apple noted.

“Exactly.”

“The concerts were weeks apart, it could just be someone following us,” Kat stated.

“We get people like that,” Kiki added.

“She’s wearing the exact same clothes.” Vaggie pointed out.

“Fans can be obsessive and crazy. You know that. You put the Waifu guy in the hospital.”

“Humans can be even worse,” Apple noted, “but if it’s bugging you that much, you can talk to Verosika and Tex.”

“Tex is back?” Vaggie asked.

“I mean, he’s supposed to. Shit, Milky was supposed to tell you….wait, he has your number, why didn’t he just do it himself?”

——

“You wanted to see me?” Vaggie entered Verosika’s office.

“Tex and Beelzebub did,” Verosika sighed, “she’s here, putting you on video.”

The screen lit up and revealed Vortex on a bed.

“Hey guys, I was going to talk to you separately, but I guess this is better.”

“You’re back in the hospital?” Vaggie asked.

“Yeah, funny story about that, uh-“

The video was pulled away from Vortex. After some shaky adjustments, Beelzebub’s head filled the screen.

“Hey Vags! Hey Verosika! I’m so fucking sorry about this! Tex got out of the hospital, got his cast taken off and we were having, you know, “fuck yeah we can have regular sex again” and I was going down and-“

“Bee, they…they don’t need to hear that part.”

“Right, so uh, Tex wasn’t as healed as we thought. That or I got really fucking into it, because….I broke his leg.
The one that was broken.
And part of his pelvis.
So uh, I guess that’s what they call Snu-Snu, right?”

Verosika facepalmed as Vaggie shook her head.

“Do you know how long it will be?”

“Months.”

“I’m sorry,” Beelzebub awkwardly smiled and made apologetic gestures with her second set of hands.

“It’s fine. Take care. Fuck.”

Vortex and Beelzebub hung up.

“I guess I’m keeping you on until he’s back. But by then we might just have to negotiate something more…permanent. Anyway, Kat said you had something you wanted to talk to me about?”

“A suspicion.”

Vaggie brought out her pad and slid it to Verosika.

“Over the last couple of concerts on Earth, I noticed something.
This photo is from the concert in Nevada. This one in Florida. New York, California, New Jersey, Texas, Canada… notice anything?”

“This one blonde bitch.”

“Yeah. Does she look familiar at all? Like, a stalker or previous employee or…”

Verosika took the pad and stared at the image. She frowned and pursed her lips in thought.

“No. I don’t think so. Someone could have altered the human disguise they use though.”

“No subtle signs she might be Hellborn?”

Verosika stared at her.

“Not from a photo, I’d need to see her in person.”

Verosika slid the pad back over.

“Are you that worried?” She asked.

“I’m suspicious.”

“Musicians have crazy obsessive fans, you know that. You killed three of them and maimed what, five now?”

“Seven. Which is why I’m worried.”

“Even if they did do something, it can’t hurt me.”

“That’s not the point.”

Verosika rolled her eyes.

“Fine, if they show up at the concert in Hawaii, do what you want to do.
Just don’t kill them.”

“I won’t. And thanks.”

“It’s your job. Also, you’re going to have to sing. It’s the trade off for you doing this little stunt. Not to mention, if it is someone from Hell, she might recognize you.”

“….I’m not singing Foxtrot Uniform-“

“No, no,” Verosika grinned.
“Vacay to Bonetown.”

“…fuck.”

——

She was there.

Vaggie could see her, but….

She looked in the mirror again: Verosika called them Daisy Dukes shorts.
The top was barely more than a bra.
She hated the hair style, but it hid the eyepatch.

“You’re on in three,” Kat nudged her.

“Urgh.”

“C’mon, you like singing part of it.”

“I don’t know how she puts up with it.”

“In two.”

Vaggie took a deep breath and sighed.

“And go.”

“HEY ALL YOU FUCKS! Let me introduce our latest backup slut. Give it up for Kima!”

Vaggie stepped out to the cheering crowd. She smiled and waved as she made her way over.

“Hola! Great to finally be on stage with the rest of the group, and really excited to sing for you all!”

Vaggie looked around at the crowd: cheering, screaming excited faces…

Except for one.
A look of confusion.

“Anyway, the Boss wanted me to lead this one. You all fucking know it!”

The cheering continued as Vaggie looked at Verosika.

“They’re really into it.”

“People in Hawaii know how to party.”

“I was right, by the way, she’s back.”

“I noticed,” Verosika coughed, “deal with it after unless she leaves.”

“This is your final boarding call/
All aboard!/“

——-

“She didn’t ask why, she didn’t resist, and she’s waiting,” the Security guard stated, “are you sure we don’t have to get the police involved?”

“No, we can handle this,” Vaggie replied, her stage costume replaced with her usual outfit.

“Not my problem, then.”

The guard unlocked the door. Vaggie entered and closed it behind her.

The blonde woman sat at the table. She wore a Verosika concert T-shirt and ripped jeans.

Vaggie moved to take the seat across from her at the table.

“…..”

“…..”

“We can do this the easy way or the hard way.”

“…..”

“Fine.”

Vaggie pulled out her spear and placed it on the table.

“…fuck, it is you.” The woman stated.

With a gesture, she dispelled her disguise: a grey skinned woman with long silvery hair took her place. After a moment she pulled out her own spear and placed it on the table.

“Fellaticia.”

“Vaggie.”

“It’s Vaggie. Soft gs now,” Vaggie replied as she dispelled her own disguise.

“….that what you’ve been telling people?”

“Yep.”

The two sat in silence. After a moment, Vaggie pulled out her angelic steel shotgun, unloaded it and placed it on the table.

“Better?”

“What the hell are you doing here?” Fellaticia asked.

“My job.
Why are you here?”

“….I like music.”

“Don’t play that game with me, we both know we were never allowed to go to Earth.”

“Things have been changing. A lot.”

Vaggie paused.

“Thighra’s in charge then?”

“She’s Nemesis now. Until Lute wakes up-“

“She’s alive?”

Fellaticia groaned.

“Fuck. Well, doesn’t matter what I say now, not like you can do anything about it.
She lived. Would have been better if she died, you guys left her with two and a half limbs.
She’s comatose. We lost a lot of people, Boobilly, Exorcist 69, Nippleona, Clitori…”

“Adam or Lute ever say what they did to me?”

Fellaticia paused.

“They just told us you were lost to us.”

“…that’s it?”

“I mean, we assumed you died. You and Heady.”

“Heady’s dead?”

Fellaticia paused again.

“Fuck, whatever. All this shit started because someone killed an Exorcist. We don’t know who, we didn’t know how.
Adam was vague about shit.
Then the princess and the rest of you assholes fought back and drove us off and here we are!
Sera and Nemesis refuse to let us try again, and the council is freaking out.”

“All over a failed extermination.”

Fellaticia opened her mouth, paused and closed it again.

“Yeah. Just that,” she quickly stated.

Vaggie just stared at her and raised her eyebrow.

“Why are you even here?” Vaggie asked.

“We’re going fucking crazy up there!” Fellaticia yelled and slammed her fist on the table.

“We did things when it wasn’t Extermination!”

“It’s not the same! Nemesis has us doing training shit, but it’s still the same shit as before! All this shit that got people killed and maimed!
Fuck, I saw those cannibals eat Bukkatie alive! Do you know what that’s like!?!”

“I was killing people I knew,” Vaggie quietly stated.

Fellaticia took a breath.

“I know.
But, we’re training, we’re practicing, but we all know that it’s not happening again. And even if we had another Extermination, we’d be going up against the same shit! Probably worse! You know you can win and you know how to kill us!
What do we have to live for now?”

“Yourself. You can figure out something new. That’s what I did.”

“Everyone thinks you’re a crazy person. Even before you fought against us to defend Hell.”

“….I guess I am.”

The two grew silent again.

“….So how did you even learn about Verosika’s music?”

“They keep track of demons on earth. I happened to listen in.
It’s good shit.”

“Yeah.”

“….this is what you’ve been doing this whole time? Bodyguarding Verosika?”

“No. I’m doing it as a favor.”

The two grew silent again.

“When did you realize something was wrong?”

“What?”

“When you realized you wanted more than just killing sinners?
Adam and Lute didn’t tell us anything. And when we asked, he just started bragging about his dick and Lute threatened us to drop it.”

“I don’t know. I just got sick of it. I spared a kid, and for that, I got my eye cut out, my wings torn off and left for dead.
They tell you that?”

“No, but Lute did seem way too happy.”

“…fucking figures.”

Fellaticia paused.

“I think I should go back now. They’ll get suspicious if I’m gone too long.”

“Then I just have one more question.”

“I’m not going to tell anyone about this. They’ll ask too many questions.”

“Then I have a proposal. Verosika’s concerts are neutral ground. I won’t stop you from attending, and I won’t say anything to anyone back in Hell…”

“And I won’t say anything to anyone in heaven.”

“Deal?” Vaggie held out a hand.

“….Deal.” Fellaticia took her hand and shook.

The two stood up and picked up their weapons.

“For whatever it’s worth, a few of us had a little memorial for you when you didn’t come back,” Fellaticia stated, “just me, Rimmer, Labiana and Tits.”

“…Thanks.”

The two paused and put their disguises back on.

“How did you realize something was wrong anyway?”

“You used the same disguise at every concert, down to the clothes.
You stuck out.”

“….I’ll keep that in mind.”

Without another word, the two left the room.

——

“Everything good?” Verosika asked.

“I was right, she’s an Angel who’s been sneaking out of Heaven to watch your shows.
We’ve agreed to keep your concerts on Earth as neutral ground.”

“Good to know,” she took a drink of whiskey and slid a glass over to Vaggie.

“Thanks.”

Vaggie took a sip and looked out at the sky.

The nearly full moon shined down on them

Chapter Text

“Look, we have lost a lot of those babies.”

“They’re goddamn American Hero Babies,, get it right, Agent Nine.”

Two people sat in front of a wall of screens in a dimly lit room. One was a man with a mess of curly green hair. The other was a dark skinned woman with her dyed pink cornrows tied back in a messy ponytail. Both wore suits, although the woman’s was stained with grease and oil. The man wore sunglasses, while the woman wore dark welding goggles.

The green haired man sighed.

“The babies aren’t working, Agent Fifteen.”

“No shit. But my other super secret baby project mi~ight.”

Agent Nine looked at Agent Fifteen.

“The last time we turned them on, they just screamed and one tried to rip its face off.”

“I fixed the programming, now they should be perfectly loyal and not horrified at what they have become.”

“I still feel like this would have been easier with just robots.”

“Yeah, but that’s not as fun.” Agent Fifteen stated, “and we had that budget overflow.
And we need to test them out. In like, the right environment.”

“Well, alright.”

——

“Full Moons means you and Stolas are going to get…” Vaggie trailed off.
“Weird tonight.”

“Hell yeah we are, Vags. It’s been a while since we did anything, and tonight we’re gonna get freaky. Make Asmodeus be like “whoa bitch, calm down.”

“….has it been that long?”

“….I guess. Why?”

“I don’t know, you said that was the whole deal, right? If he’s being weird about it, maybe he’s…”

“He’s what?”

Vaggie paused and shook her head.

“You know what, forget I said anything, you have fun, Blitzo.”

“….ok.”

Blitzo continued down the street. After a moment he paused, turned around and ran back to Vaggie.

“Hey, wanna help me find sex toys and shit for Stolas?”

Vaggie stared at him: dumbstruck, disgusted, and disappointed.

“I’ve seen what you got, Vagina.”

“Fuck, whatever, not like I was doing anything else today.”

“Attagirl!”

——

“We’re in.”

Agents Nine and Fifteen watched the screens.

“So this is Hell.”

“It’s nicer than I expected. Zoom in there, Camera four.” Agent Fifteen pointed at the screen.

The screen zoomed in at the shop.

“Those are two of the ones that blew up the old HQ.”

——

The shop smelt like ass, old semen, sweat and chemicals.

“Bitch, it’s the lust ring, everything screams sexy.”

“Is that what that smell is supposed to be?”Vaggie asked.

“Just testing new merchandise, new scent: three day old panties.”

“I just…just something that screams horny. Like max horny. Ultimate horny,”

“Pent up divorced father and his lover horny,” she snarked.

“….is that what this is?” The shopkeeper eyed the two.

“HEY! This is my daughter, asshole!”

“I’m a lesbian.”

“….you guys do father-daughter bonding by shopping for sex shit?” The shopkeeper laughed.
“Well, whatever gets it hard.”

“Look, I need it for a horny feathery fuck, and I am a simple man with very simple needs!
It just needs to be horny!”

“This one says Friends with Benefits and anal?” Vaggie pointed to a candle.

“Done! You got one that screams cloacae muncher?”

“Three to the left of the one she picked out.”

——

“….weird.”

“Demons are into kinky shit, what a novel concept,” Agent Nine tossed his hands in the air.

“I don’t kinkshame you, just because you want your head crushed between massive muscle mommy thighs.”

Agent Nine ignored her as he glanced at another screen.

“Weird.”

“What?”

“There was a spike on Unit One’s monitoring system.”

Agent Fifteen turned her attention to it.

“Everything looks normal.”

“Must be seeing things, this is the longest the units have been active.”

——

Vaggie watched, half in horror and half in amusement as the spider-demon Continued to measure Blitzo and fit him with a harness.

“Once I’m done, I’ll get started on you, young lady.”

“What! No, not my scene and-“

“Hey! That’s my lesbian, who’s a daughter!”

Everyone paused for a moment to stare at the imp.

“Fuck, I got that the wrong way.”

“Oh, so your actual partner isn’t here. What’s their size?”

“Tall and skinny as fuck. Vags, help me out here.”

“Me?”

“You’ve seen him, and you know I’m shit at numbers.”

“He’s like…nine feet tall?”

“How skinny is skinny as fuck?”

“A hundred pounds?”

“Shit, dude got an eating disorder or what? I can work with that.”

The spider skittered off.

“You don’t know Stolas’s measurements?” Vaggie asked.

“Hey, there is only one measurement I care about and it’s-“

“I don’t want to know.”

“We got stretchy stuff if you think that will help.” The spider returned.

“Done!”

“And you, young lady?” The spider turned all eight eyes to Vaggie, “anything for that special lady in your life?”

“She’s not into that.”

Vaggie slapped a hand over her mouth as Blitzo whipped around and ran over to her.

“You have a what?” He yelled, his face nearly touching hers.

“Ignore what I said.”

“Oh ho, secret relationships,” The Spider laughed, “let me get this all rung up for you as you get that worked out.”

He skittered off.

“You have a girlfriend? And didn’t say anything to me? Is it Octavia? I know that girl idolizes you, but it makes it awkward as fuck with Stolas.”

“It’s not Octavia. I like her as a friend. A nonsexual friend.”

“Is it Sallie May? Fuck, Millie would be thrilled by that.”

“It’s not Sallie May.”

“….it’s not one of those Hellhounds, is it? Or a client? I told you, don’t fuck sinners. Never ends well.”

“It’s not a Hellhound or a sinner.”

“….well, fuck, all out of ideas.”

“It’s not a relationship relationship, it’s more…friends with benefits. It just sort of happened and we’re going with it.” Vaggie shrugged.

“….well, good for you. Any chance I’ll get to met her soon?”

“Not a good idea. But…maybe when she’s ready.”

“Well, you have fun munching that carpet.”

——

“It’s not a torture chamber, it’s a sex shop,” Agent Fifteen threw up her hands, “Fuck, you dumb virgin.”

“It’s the same thing if you’re not into it, and I am not.”

——

“Seriously, Vags, you’re full of surprises today. Whatever that job you're doing must be going well.”

“It’s definitely something.”

“You’re not sleeping with the client, are you?”

Vaggie stared at him, a mortified look on her face.

“Look, just don’t get too involved, ok? Stolas and I got our nice little casual thing going, make it like that.”

An awkward silence.

“Yeah, about you and Stolas…”

“What?”

“Look, he’s divorced his wife.”

“Right.”

“And you said he’s been acting weird? Evasive?”

“Yeah, all the “oh, you don’t have to come if you’re busy or don’t want to”.”

“…so I’m just speculating, but…”

“But what?”

“Now that he’s single, what if he’s trying to get your relationship to go to the next level? It’s just casual sex for access to the Grimoire, right?
What if he wants to make you guys more than just fuck buddies and that’s why he’s acting so weird.”

Blitzo froze. Vaggie paused as the realization of what she had said sunk in.

“Oooorrrrr, we could just be over thinking things and Stolas is just really eager to see you tonight.”

“Yeah!” Blitzo yelled just a little too loudly and awkwardly, “you’re right, he was probably just saying all that stuff to build anticipation and shit, so it’s gonna be really hot and horny tonight!”

“Ok, didn’t need to go that far.”

The two continued down the road in awkward silence.

“Where are we going now anyway?”

“I reconnected with an old friend, and he’s got a bunch of sex toys.”

Vaggie stared at him, dumbfounded.

“…you have friends?”

“It’s a long story. And don’t try to shoot him in the face, you’ve seen it before.”

——-

“This is a weird armory.”

“They’re sex toys, you dumb asshole. And that one looks like fun.”

——

Vaggie was aware of the real Fizzarolli. She met him briefly at Mammon’s Concert, and he seemed to be familiar with Verosika.

But she hadn’t expected this.

“Thanks for doing me a solid, Fizz. I gotta get the good shit for tonight and I know you and Ozzie make the best toys in town.”

“I got you buddy,”

Vaggie ignored the two and stared at some of the toys on the wall.

“What’s this one?” Vaggie pointed to a dildo with a silver swirl.

“Oh, that’s something we didn’t quite work all the kinks with. It’s got an infusion of Angelic Steel, a little pain with your pleasure.”

“What, you thinking of replacing that monster you have in your closet?
I’ve seen what you li-“

Vaggie clamped a hand on Blitzo’s mouth and shook her head.

“No, no, no.
We don’t talk about Bruno.”

“You named it? Hah!” Fizzarolli laughed, “nah, but if you’re interested, I can get you a discount.”

“I’ll think about it.”

“Anyway, Fizz, I’ll take all this shit.”

“Right, head down that way and we’ll get all the paperwork ready for ya.”

Blitzo made his way down a hallway. Fizzarolli turned to Vaggie.

“I didn’t want to say anything by the guy, but does he know you’re bodyguarding his ex?”

“I didn’t break it to him yet.”

“Well, don’t spoil his good mood, fuck I don’t think I’ve ever seen him this happy before.”

“Yeah.”

“Still…” Fizzarolli paused, “Fuck, when Blitzo said he had a kid, I was expecting a baby, not a full-ass adult.”

“It’s more like he found me and declared himself my dad.”

Fizzarolli shrugged.

“By the way, did you notice-“

“Yeah, I have. I’ll deal with it after this.”

——

“Hey, Blitzo, I have some stuff I have to take care of, I’ll catch up with you later?”

“Sure, Vags. Take care.”

“You have fun, Blitzo,”

Vaggie waved goodbye as Blitzo left. As soon as he turned the corner, Vaggie spun around and yanked out her shotgun.

——

“Prioritize the ta-“

Agent Nine was cut off at the sound of gunfire and the video feed hit the ground. Vaggie appeared in view as she reloaded.

“How did she even notice us?”

“You suck at hiding!”

Agent Fifteen pushed Agent Nine away.

“Initiating combat protocols!”

——

Vaggie stared at the four figures before him: all humanoids wearing high tech suits of armor. Two were colored red, one yellow and the last one blue. Their faces were obscured by the helmets they wore.

“I don’t know what the fuck you are, but I know you’ve been following us.”

Vaggie pointed the shotgun at them.

“Last chance.”

The blue suit lifted its right arm and opened fire as the red suits launched missiles at her.

“Hard way it is.”

Vaggie’s wings unfurled and she rocketed away from where the three had aimed. She appeared to the side of the group and opened fire. The shot knocked one of the red suits to the ground, as the yellow suit unsheathed a blade on each of her forearms and charged.

Vaggie retracted her wings and yanked out her spear. She dodged and parried the yellow suit’s attacks, as the blue suit took aim again.

“Shit.”

Vaggie stopped and kicked the yellow suit into the blue suit’s line of sight. A long mechanical arm shot out and yanked Vaggie off her feet.

“What the…”

It dragged Vaggie down the road, as she lost her grasp on her spear. As she tried to pull her shotgun out, a gunshot rang out and knocked it out of her hand.

“Fuck, fuck…”

One of the red suits retracted its extendable arm and held Vaggie up in front of its face.

——

“Software identified the target. It’s definitely one of the ones that attacked the old headquarters.”

“Ugly demon, isn’t she?”

“Yeah, well-“

The screen was blocked out by the twin barrels of a gun.

——

“Chucha!”

Vaggie opened fire in quick succession with the Angelic steel shotgun. The suit released Vaggie and grabbed at its face.

Vaggie quickly reloaded and ducked under the yellow suit’s swiping attack. Vaggie fired again and blew off one of its arms. The undamaged red suit launched its grappling arm at Vaggie, only for something to sever the arm. Millie stood there, angelic steel axe in hand.

“What took you?” Vaggie reloaded.

“We got caught up.”

Moxxie appeared and opened fire with his angelic steel rifle.

“Who are these guys?”

“No idea.”

“YOU FORGOT ABOUT US?”

——

“Neural activities are going wild on all four of them.”

“Shut them down and get them back here!”

“I’m trying! It’s like they don’t want to!”

——

They all stared at the scene in front of them:

The right half of a rosy-cheeked face was awkwardly bonded to a mess of machinery. Wires snaked across the flesh and were embedded into the eye socket, nostril, ear and mouth.
Metal scrap and shot was embedded in the flesh.

The other red suit retracted its faceplate and revealed the left side of the same face.
The yellow suit’s faceplate retracted and revealed the severed head of a yellow sheep-like creature, wires and tubes jammed into its neck stump.
The blue suit retracted its faceplate and revealed the intact head of a blue sheep creature, wires jammed into the cut in the middle of its forehead.

“You forgOt about us?” The right face screamed, “you left uS to en& up like this!”

“Vaggie, those are-“

“The Cherubs,” Vaggie stated, “I killed you.”

“They brought us baCk!”

The Right Cletus activated his jet pack and tackled Vaggie.

“Vaggie!”

“I have ple78/y for you, Bitch!”

Keenie shot forward and tackled Millie.

Without another word, Moxxie slung the rifle on his back and pulled out dual submachine guns.

“Alright then,”

Moxxie opened fire as the Left Cletus and Colin returned fire.

——

“They reestablished their original personas!” Agent Nine yelled.

“Amazing! I guess I didn’t do enough.”

“Not the time for that! We sunk almost a billion dollars into those things and we are not losing them! Keep working on the override, I’ll start up the portal!”

——

Vaggie hit the ground and rolled back onto her feet.

“You ki77ed us! An e#orcist! You sided with demons and left us to die!”

The Right Cletus launched a missile at her. Vaggie unfurled her wings, took off again and dodged it.

“I didn’t have a choice!”

“You chose them ov3r U$! Demons over angels!”

Right Cletus launched its extendable arm and Vaggie dodged.
She fired again and blew the left shoulder armor off.

“I was cast out!”

“And tha;& @@-!:@^]+{¥] same to us?”

Right Cletus activated his jet pack and shot into the air. Vaggie fired again, only for him to avoid it. Right Cletus lashed out with his extendable arm and entrapped Vaggie again.

“I’ll @@4(7£€€ Kill you!” He screamed.

——

Moxxie reloaded as he ducked for cover. He tucked away the submachine guns and pulled the rifle back out. He shifted his position and took aim.

“There.”

Moxxie fired off a shot. It hit Colin in the middle of his head and the blue mecha collapsed to the ground, his gun arm fired off one last burst that peppered Left Cletus.

“N0t AgA1n!”

Left Cletus aimed his missile launcher and fired it at Moxxie. The imp got back to his feet and scrambled away.

“No!”

Colin sat back up and screamed as he clawed at the helmet on his head.

“Nonononono!”

Colin grabbed part of his helmet and ripped it off his head with an anguished scream. Wires and bits of metal were yanked out of his skin and revealed the shaved remains of his head and puncture wounds.

Colin continued to scream as he threw the helmet to the ground and flew off.

——

“Unit Four is offline!”

“What? How?”

“I don’t fucking know!”

——

Right Cletus grimaced as he held Vaggie in front of him, her gun arm pinned to her side.

“Any la57 word$?”

“Yeah.”

With her free hand Vaggie yanked something out of her empty eye socket and jammed it into Right Cletus’s mouth.

“Come mierda y muere.”

Right Cletus released his grip and she began to fall to the ground. Her wings unfurled and she flew away as his head exploded.

——

“Unit One is offline.”

“Portal is open!”

——

The three battered IMP employees watched as the maimed Keenie and Left Cletus vanished through a small portal.

“Th’ fuck was that all about?” Millie asked.

“….Someone picked up the dead Cherubs and turned them into weapons.”

“Who would do that?”

“I don’t fucking know. Fuck, I want to go lie down and drink.”

“You ok?” Millie turned to face Vaggie, “they fucked up your eye socket?”

“No. I was storing a bomb there.”

“IN YOUR FACE?”

“Emergency weapon. I’m going home, great work out there tonight.”

“You take care.”

“Bye!”

Vaggie waved goodbye and sighed.

“I hope Blitzo is having a better night than I am.”

Chapter Text

“Look, Verosika, I really should be back home,”

Vaggie put the table she was carrying down and pulled the legs out. With one hand, she flipped it from its side to the upright position.

“Why, what’s wrong with him?” Kiki asked.

“He won’t say. He just keeps crying and texting Stolas.”

“The bird he was fucking?” Coco asked.

“Yeah.”

“….well shit, I guess he finally screwed up on that.”

“Coco!” Apple jabbed her girlfriend in the ribs.

“No, I get it. Unfortunately,” Vaggie stated, “but…”

“Two sides to a story,” Milky stated.

“Yeah.”

“Pfft,” Verosika made a face and walked off, “I have to make some calls.
You bitches know what to do.”

“…Vaggie, I’m going to be honest with you, I know the boss says to come, but I really don’t think you should.” Apple stated.

“What? Why?”

“Did she tell you what kind of party it was?”

“No. She just said I would get paid overtime for staying and a bonus if I sang.”

“Fuck, she’s going all out again,” Coco sighed.

“Especially if she can convince the prince to come.”

“I’m sorry, what is this all about?”

“Every Halloween, Verosika throws a party.”

“Right.”

“But it’s….”

——

Vaggie stared at the crowd around her. Imps, succubi, incubi, hellhounds, Hellborn of all shapes and sizes, some wearing Halloween costumes, some with the bare minimum. Some chatted, some just ate and drank, other sobbed into each other’s shoulders and comforted each other.

But all of them had one thing in common.

“Blitzo broke up with this many people?” Vaggie turned to Milky.

“Apparently. I just come for the food and sex. And to get paid.”

“Nice costume, by the way,” Coco stated as she slid up next to Vaggie.

“This thing is ridiculous,”

Vaggie gestured at the skimpy leather, the odd bat-like symbol on her chest and the awkward little half cape.

“Like, what is this supposed to be?”

“Some kind of slutty bat-themed superhero, I guess?”

Vaggie groaned and took a drink.

“I don’t want to be here.”

“You get paid extra.”

“It’s not worth…this,”

Vaggie gestured as a hellhound tore a Blitzo voodoo doll in half and people cheered.

“Just keep drinking and deal with it.”

“There’s not enough alcohol in earth, heaven or hell to deal with all this shit,” Vaggie downed her drink.

“And now!” Verosika’s voice boomed from the stage, “It’s time to hear from the new special guest of honor tonight,”

Vaggie froze, horrified.

“-Stolas!”

Vaggie felt her stomach drop.

“Get up here and say a few words!”

She couldn’t hear what the prince said as he was pushed to the front and onto the stage.

This is what Verosika meant.

Music started and Stolas began to sing, but again, she couldn’t hear what he was saying.

The glass shattered in her hand as she turned around and headed back to the bar.

“What’dya want?”

“Tequila. And keep it coming”

——-

“There you are!”

Verosika slid into the seat next to Vaggie, several empty glasses in front of her.

“Shit, how much have you had?”

“Not enough,” Vaggie downed her latest glass and gestured for another.

“Give me one too.”

The bartender poured out both drinks.

“Leave the bottle,”

He nodded and walked off. Verosika held hers out towards Vaggie.

“Fuck Blitz-O?”

Vaggie turned to glare at the succubus and downed her own drink without returning the toast. Verosika frowned.

“No? Fine.”

“We need to talk.”

Verosika downed her drink and placed the glass down.

“What do you think of this little-“

“Don’t waste my time. You knew exactly how I would react to this bullshit.”

Vaggie poured herself another shot and placed the bottle closer to Verosika. The succubus sighed and poured herself another drink.

“I’m making you see who he really is. The selfish side of him. You look at all these people and you tell me he’s a good person.
I’m giving them a place to heal and deal with their problems in a healthy way.”

Vaggie jabbed a thumb behind her: a group of imps tore several cardboard cutouts of Blitzo up and threw them into a bonfire.

“You call that healthy?”

“It’s Hell. And people deal with things in different ways.”

“That why you keep the wound fresh?”

Verosika turned to look at her.

“What?”

“You said you’re over him. That you want nothing to do with him. Yet you throw a party devoted to him every year.”

“It-“

“Don’t give me that shit. It’s still about him. You just stood on stage and sang a song about how much you don’t care about him anymore.”

Vaggie grabbed the bottle back and took a drink directly from it.

“You’re still obsessed with him. You just turned it from caring about him to hating him.
You want to convince me that the guy who broke up with you is the same person who dragged me out of an alleyway and saved me when I was left for dead.”

“Just fucking wait, Vaggie. He’ll fuck you over like he fucked the rest of us.”

“I don’t love him like you did. Never will, never have. He’s family.”

“You should ask about his sister. But fine, whatever. Go stay with your little shit friend.”

Vaggie got up and left the table. She stumbled through the crowd: people crying and comforting each other, people destroying effigies of Blitzo, people drinking, partying, danc-

She bumped into someone and stumbled, her grip still on the bottle.

“Sorry, I..Stolas?”

The Goetia prince looked down at her, drink in hand.

“…I’m sorry, you are…”

“Vaggie?”

“Who?”

“One of Blitzo’s coworkers. The one who’s not an imp.”

Stolas continued to stare at her.

“The one who’s friends with Octavia?”

“Oh, the weird one.”

Stolas downed his drink and picked up another.

“I guess he finally messed up with you, then?” Stolas asked.

“He didn’t say what happened.”

“Oh don’t give me that, I’m sure he said something, you just don’t want to say it. Did he say how he ran?”

“What happened?”

“I just want to be loved! I want to have someone who cares for me! In a romantic way! Someone important to someone!”

“You were important to him.”

“He certainly didn’t think so! He just ran off!”

“Did…did you talk to him about this?”

“Yes! He ran off! He’s the one that…he fucked it up! I wanted to talk to him, and he…he is a buffoon.”

“Did you tell him you wanted to talk to him about this?”

“Oh Don’t give me that! He knew what he was getting into with this. He knew what to expect! All of this is on him!”

Vaggie paused and placed the bottle on the table in front of Stolas.

“What’s this?”

“You’ll need it more than I do.”

“Hrmph. At least someone he knows has good manners.”

Stolas snapped up the bottle and began to drink.

“So…you sprung this all on him without implying anything beforehand?”

“He knew we were meeting!”

“For sex! That was the agreement, why the hell would he think you want to talk to him about anything else?” Vaggie yelled back.

“He should have expected it. I wanted to end our little arrangement and get my Grimoire back.”

“He needs it to run his business,”

“That’s all I am, hmmm? A convenient little part of his business?”

“You offered the deal to him! You gave him the Grimoire!”

“And now I take it back! He’s a selfish little cretin, and-“

“You chose to fight alongside him at the Hotel.”

Stolas paused.

“….I thought we had something,” he said quietly.

“He nearly died protecting you from Lute.”

“….stop.” Stolas took a drink of the bottle, “stop trying to make me feel bad for him. This isn’t about what he did before, it’s about now.”

Vaggie took a deep breath and sighed. Stolas took a moment to continue to drain the bottle.

“Octavia’s a good kid.”

“What? Of course she is, she’s nothing like her mother.”

Vaggie picked another bottle off the table and opened it. She took a drink and turned away from Stolas.

“It could be worse.”

Vaggie looked over her shoulder and back at Stolas.

“She could be like you.”

Without another word she walked off. Stolas stared at her as she walked away. He shook his head and took a drink.

“Hey Stolas.”

Stolas spat out his drink.

——

“I don’t know what the hell you said to her, but she is pissed,” Kiki stated.

“…It’s just…she invited me here, knowing how much I care about Blitzo and expected me to be ok with this?”

The two watched as a Shark Demon threw an ax at a Blitzo shaped target on the wall.

“The boss did tell you what set her off, right?”

“She said she loved him, he freaked out, belittled her and attacked her at a vulnerable moment and now here we are,”

“…yeah. It’s not something you just get over.”

“…I know. I….fuck, I hate to say it, but I get it.”

“Oh?”

Vaggie looked up.

“Kiki, can you keep a secret? I mean a big one.”

“…sure.”

“I need you to promise.”

“I do.”

“….I’m not a demon at all. I was an exorcist.”

Kiki stared at her.

“You’re fucking with me.”

“No, I can prove it, just…just not here. I fell because I spared a Sinner.”

“You told us your old boss tore out your eye and left you for dead.”

“She did. Tore out my eye, tore off my wings, Adam took my Halo and they left me for dead.
I had a chance during the last extermination to see her again and I thought I killed her.

I thought it would make me happy to maim her and kill her for what she did to me, but….fuck, I didn’t feel anything. Not happiness, not joy, just…it just happened.
And when Adam died, I was happy for a moment, but…
It doesn’t change what happened back then.”

“And you think this is like that?”

“He’s dead and she’s maimed. I thought I would be happy and it would be over, but it’s not.
You just… keep that pain.”

“Speaking of pain…”

Kiki gestured to someone covered in a tablecloth.

“You ought to talk to Blitzo.”

“That’s him?”

“He’s been sneaking around all night, trying to apologize to people.”

“….thanks.”

“For?”

“Listening.”

“No problem.”

Vaggie got up from the table and caught up to the tablecloth.

“What? Fuck, I…”

The tablecloth spun around and Vaggie could see his face.
A moment of confusion, then recognition.
And then heartbreak

“…Vags?” The word came out as barely a whisper.

“….Blitzo, we need to talk.”

——

Blitzo say at the top of the stairs, legs dangling through the guardrails as Vaggie leaned on it.

“….you are the last fucking person I wanted to see here,” He said quietly, “I guess I fucked up with you, huh?”

“Verosika invited me. Well, she lied about what it was.”

“Why the fuck would she invite you?”

Vaggie paused.

“Blitzo, I haven’t been entirely honest with you. You know that client I was helping?”

“….aw fuck, it’s her and her bag of holes, isn’t it?”

“….Yeah. I didn’t want to say anything because I knew you would react…badly.”

“….normally I would, but now I’m just…fuck.
It’s just another shitty thing on top of a shitty day full of shit.”

He trailed off and sighed.

“When I saw you here, I thought I screwed up. Again.”

“I know. It’s why I almost didn’t want to talk to you. You would have assumed the worse.”

The two fell silent.

“That is a lot of people who hate you,” Vaggie observed.

“…yeah. I…fuck, I’m a terrible person.”

“Yeah. We both are.”

Blitzo looked up at her.

“Still a former Exorcist. Just because I sided with Hell doesn’t erase everything I’ve done.”

She sighed.

“I didn’t want to be that person any more. I changed. And you helped me with that.”

“You’re the one thing I haven’t fucked up yet,” Blitzo admitted.

“…do you think I deserve to be happy?”

“What? Yeah, of fucking course.”

“Even though I was an Exorcist?”

“…You’re a different person than who you were back then.”

“If I can change and be happy…why can’t you?”

Blitzo fell silent.

“I can’t believe the Blitzo that broke Verosika’s heart is the same person as the Blitzo who decided to drag me out of an alleyway, take me to his house and then start calling me his daughter.
You have changed, even if it’s only a little.”

“Vags, I….”

Blitzo sobbed.

“I don’t want to be like this. Not forever. You’re the one good fucking thing I still have. Yo-“

He was cut off as Vaggie embraced him from behind.

“I know.”

Blitzo awkwardly turned and tried to return the hug.

“Fuck, Vags, let me up.”

Vaggie let go and helped Blitzo back to his feet. Before either could say anything, Blitzo embraced her.

“I’m fucking sorry, Vags. I’m a terrible fucking person. I-“

“Don’t be sorry, Dad.” She interrupted him as she returned the hug.

“Be better.”

Blitzo sobbed as she held him.

Someone behind the two coughed. They both looked for the source of the noise.

Verosika awkwardly stood there, plates with cake in her hands.

“I’m sorry for interrupting, but…”

“Yeah, yeah. I’m going,” Blitzo released Vaggie.

“No, actually. I…”

Verosika sighed.

“Fuck, I heard more than I should have. I still…fuck.
Part of me hates that I feel like a bad person for being angry with you.
I do this to help them. Just because you’re a shitty person who hurt me, it doesn’t mean they have to suffer like I did.”

Verosika took a breath.

“Vaggie wasn’t lying about you changing. The Blitzo I knew wouldn’t be caught dead like this. The Blitzo I knew would have been screaming and yelling at me.”

Verosika paused.

“The Blitzo I knew wouldn’t admit he needed to change.”

“….The Blitzo you knew was an asshole, and I don’t want to be that person anymore.”

Verosika smiled slightly.

“Looks like Stolas is having a good time,”

The two turned to look into the crowd. Stolas and an Incubus were engaged in a passionate kiss.

“Yeah, well….he fucking deserves it,” Blitzo sighed.

“For now,” Vaggie icily stated.

“Here, Fuckwad,”

Verosika handed Blitzo a slice of cake.

“You have it, Vaggie. I’ll see you at home.”

“See you later, Blitzo.”

The imp yanked the tablecloth back onto his head and left.

The angel and the succubus stood there.

“I’m sorry,” they both said nearly at the same time.

“You first, Vags.”

“Look, I get defensive of Blitzo. I owe him a lot, and…I can’t deny that he messed up.
A lot.
But I know he can change for the better.
I just want to help him do that.”

“You’re not wrong. Seeing him admit that he wants to change makes me…happy is too strong a word.
It makes me hopeful,” Verosika stated.

The two looked over the balcony at the party below them.

“Look, Vaggie, I’m sorry for lying to you, but you wouldn’t have come if I didn’t trick you.”

“…yeah, I wouldn’t have.
But…it’s good to know that people care for him.”

The two fell silent as pair of succubi tore a life-sized plush of Blitzo in half and chucked it into the fire.

“….ok, now that we’ve had that talk and I know Blitzo wants to improve, it is a little unsettling seeing people do that to him.”

“Like you said…people deal with it differently.”

“You don’t have to stay if you don’t want to. You’re still getting overtime for today, so if you want to go back with Blitzo…”

“….I think he needs some space.”

“Take tomorrow off. Fuck, take a couple days to help him out until he’s ok to be on his own again.”

“Thanks Verosika.”

“Now eat your fucking cake, it’s the good shit.”

Chapter Text

“I’m sorry it’s last minute but…” Loona trailed off.

“Hey, no worries Loony, I can always make time for you.”

The two sat in awkward silence as a rubber duck on wheels poured tea into the cups.

“….is..is this what you’ve been doing this whole time?”

“Look, Ducks are one of the few things I have going for me in life,” Lucifer sighed.

“Anyway, it’s Just…”

Loona paused and sighed.

“I want to get Charlie a surprise present and I need advice.”

“If I wasn’t going to say anything, what would you get her?”

“I don’t know. I don’t want to ask and get her all hyped up for it.”

“What about everyone else at the hotel?”

“Husk said alcohol, Angel suggested something sexy, I didn’t ask Alastor-“

“Good girl.”

“Cherri said “just bang her”, Niffty just laughed, Frank said something stupid, and Mari said just get her candy.”

“What about the other Hellhounds?”

“It’s either sex, barbecue or a party.
Sometimes all three.”

Lucifer paused, lost in thought. He drummed his fingers on the table as Loona took a drink from her cup. The teapot duck refilled her cup.

“Really, whatever you get her will work fine.”

Loona groaned and slumped over.

“Not the answer you wanted?”

“Do you think the other Sins might have ideas?”

Lucifer froze and made a face.

“I don’t think that’s going to be a good idea, Loona.
You met Bee? She’s about the nicest they get. And believe me, Leviathan is a handful.”

“Asmodeus seemed fine.”

“When did you…. Never mind, if I were you, I would stick to those two for help. Maybe Satan.
But don’t bother with Mammon, Leviathan or Belphegor.”

“I‘ll keep that in mind. Thank you, sir.”

“I said call me Lucifer.”

——

“Oh shiiiittttt, surprise gifts are the best! Like, after Tex got out of his cast, I gave him surprise you’re out of your cast sex and….”

The two stared at the still immobile Tex, a new cast on his leg and hips.

“I’m sorry, Babe!”

“Stop telling that story to everyone.”

“Anyway, you got three fucking amazing options. First-“

“No parties, it’s just for her.”

Beelzebub slumped over.
She smelt like alcohol, sugar, baking, and nearly every scent that would come out of cooking.

“Two fucking amazing options. Take her out to a nice meal, or cook a nice meal for her. You can cook, right?”

“Basic shit. Katana is fucking great.”

“I know right? Great fucking guy. Anyway, doesn’t fucking matter if you cook fancy bullshit or just know how to heat up canned shit.
The fact it’s something you made for her is the important bit.”

“…I’ll keep that in mind.”

——-

“Well, the first thing I can suggest is something like the Dragon Driller N-“

“No sex shit,” Loona cut him off.

“Bitch, this is the Lust Ring! Most of my suggestions are sex shit!” Fizzarolli pouted, “fuck, I just sold one of these earlier this week too.”

“Well, I got a suggestion that isn’t sex stuff,” Asmodeus chuckled.

“What?”

“Make it something personal, from the heart, something that embodies your love for her. Doesn’t matter what it actually is, the meaning is more important than the material.”

Asmodeus smelt like sweat, sex, perfume and warmth.
Fizzarolli smelt like sweat, sex, oil and metal.

“Or you could just wear a bit of ribbon around your naughty bits and be the present that way.”

“…..I’ll ask someone else.”

——

“Presents? Yah want presents? Fuck, I got suggestions for yah, and because it’s fer Chawlie, I could even give ya a discount! Be right back, cunt.”

Mammon ran off and Loona took a moment to clear her nose.

The Sin of Green smelt like copper, unwashed clothes, sweat, old beer and shrimp.

“Right then, I got yer discounted RoboFizzies
Because I don’t wanta see that fucker’s face anywhere near me, yer discounted Fizzarolli merch, last year’s Fizzarolli bullshit that didn’t sell, the discounted Fizzarolli sex toys, the recalled Fizzarolli sex toys, the other recalled Fizzarolli Sex Toys that killed a guy Arse first,, the Fizzarolli brand macaroni that turned out ta be a fucking waste of money and cheese, a box set of that bullshit Fizzarolli cartoon that only lasted a season, a-“

“You’re only going to offer bullshit Fizzarolli merch that you don’t want?”

“Hey, I’m tryinta cut a deal here. You help me get rid of all this shit, an’ I give you a seven percent discount on the lot!”

“Seven percent?!?”

“Yer rootin’ the princess, ain’tcha? That’s what I’d give her. By the way, you ever wanna make some cash, just get me a sex tape of the twowa you an’a-“

Loona grabbed the nearest Robofizzaroli and hurled it at Mammon’s face. The fat demon caught it in his mouth and bit it in half.

“Right then,” he spat out the remains, “you best fuck off or I’ll make ya into a rug to sell to her.”

——

Envy smelt like dead fish and salt.

Loona had only been here once before and hated it.
She hadn’t met Leviathan before, but here she was. At his office.

He was a reptilian humanoid: scaly skin slick and shiny (whether naturally or due to moisturizing was unknown to her). His greasy black hair (fins?) was combed back, and his snout was filled with small, pointed teeth. He wore an immaculately tailored purple three piece suit that very closely, but not quite, mimicked Lucifer’s.

He smelt of grease, salt, rotten meat and jealousy.

“Right, so Loona, very busy guy here, I can give you a few minutes of my time. So let’s make it snappy.”

“Asmodeus and Bee at least offered drinks,” Loona noted.

“FINE!” Leviathan exploded.

Loona winced and tucked her tail between her legs as Leviathan punched a button on his office phone.

“Karen, you bitch, bring in something to drink. I don’t give a shit, everything!”

Leviathan hung up, paused and recollected himself.

“It’ll be a moment, but you did say you had a question for me about Charlie?”

“Right, so I’m trying to get her a present-“

“And you didn’t think I deserved anything?” He cut in.

“I’m not dating you,”

“Well too fucking bad, most people would want the privilege to date the Golden Idol of Hell!
Anyway, right, Charlie. Haven’t really seen the princess since I got banned at her fourteenth birthday, but that bitch Ziz had it coming.”

The two paused as a fish demon entered and placed a massive tray covered in drinks on the table.

“Took you long enough,” Leviathan picked up a can of soda and put it to his side.

“Thanks.”

Loona reached out and grabbed a bottle of beer. As she picked it up, Leviathan reached out and grabbed another can.

Loona paused and picked out another bottle.
Leviathan snatched up another can of soda.

“…are you going to…no, forget it, the point is, here to get advice on what to pick up for Charlie as a present.”

“What, is it Give-the-Princess-of-Hell-Presents-Day, so I don’t get anything?”

“Yep.” Loona cracked open the bottle and drank.

“That’s a stupid fucking holiday. I want one like that.”

Leviathan placed one of his soda cans in his snout, pointed it straight into the air and bit down.
Soda shot everywhere as his teeth punctured the can. He caught Loona’s eyes and stared at her as he chugged the drink.

“I finished first!” He spat out the can, soda all over his face, suit and the table.

“….do you have any suggestions, or are you just going to be an asshole?”

“What did the other sins say?”

“Lucifer just said get whatever, she’ll like it regardless.”

“Brilliant idea, glad I fucking thought if it.”

“Bee said cook dinner for her.”

“Fuck, I can cook better shit than whatever you could make.”

“Asmodeus said something from the heart and meaningful…”

“No matter what you pick, I can do better.”

“…or sex.”

“I’m the fucking best at Sex. I used to be the Dickmaster, not that wrinkly ass bitch Adam.”

“….ok, too much fucking info and you’re just making shit up now.
And Mammon just tried to offload old Fizzarolli merchandise on me.”

“Fuck, whatever he was offering, I can do a better deal. I got the connections.”

Loona finished her drink and put the bottle down. She cracked open the next one as Leviathan repeated his chugging feat.

“Anyway,” he spat the can out, “you want my advice? Buy her something you’d like. Then she’ll be like “what the fuck is this?” And giving it back to you.”

“…that’s fucking stupid, thanks for nothing.”

Loona downed her beer and grabbed another off the tray.

“Well, it was nice meeting you Loona, have a good day. Tell Charlie Uncle Lev says Hi!”

Loona got up from the table and left.

“You’re an idiot,” The hellhound shook her head.

“FUCK YOU TOO! I ALWAYS GET THE LAST WORD!”

——

Belphegor agreed to meet her at her office.

“She basically lives there anyway,” the head nurse grumbled, “you met Mammon and Leviathan?”

“Yeah.”

“She’s worse. And just keep talking, she’s paying more attention than you think.”

The nurse knocked on the door and waited.

“She’s there, good luck. Just open the door.”

The nurse walked off and Loona opened the door. A malnourished, thin sheep demon woman sat at a filthy desk piled high with forgotten paperwork.

“…What do you want?” She asked through a mouth of uncooked instant ramen.

“Loona? You agreed to meet me today?”

Loona watched as the woman poured the dry soup packet into her mouth.

“…lemme check.”

The woman pushed all of the paperwork off the table and began to dig around.
Loona just stared at her:

Belphegor was lanky, hunched over, and messy. Her blonde hair and dark green wool were matted, tattered, knitted and badly dyed pink. She wore a ratty old threadbare lab coat over an equally tattered and torn oversized Lulu World T-Shirt. Her glasses were crudely repaired with tape, glue, wires and clay, while both lenses were scratched and cracked to near uselessness.

She stunk of body odor, old food, garbage and apathy.

“Here it is,” she held up a paper, “talk about Cindy, Tuna?”

“What?”

“Says that I’m supposed to talk to Luana about Candy.”

Loona stared at her, confused.

Then it clicked.

“Charlie. And my name is Loona.”

“….who’s Marnie again?”

“PRINCESS CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR!” Loona snarled.

Belphegor rolled her eyes and peeked over her glasses.

“Don’t fucking yell, Linda. How could I forget about Karli?”

“What’s a good gift idea for her?”

Belphegor stared at the wall without saying a word.

An uncomfortable silence took over the room.

“A gift idea for who again?”

“Fuck!”

Loona got up and stomped off. Minutes passed and Belphegor remained oblivious.

“…..I’m pretty sure Kendall likes sweets.”

——

“So. You saved me for last,” Satan rumbled.

Bee was right.
Satan did have nice abs.

Hulking, muscular, the large reptilian wore a pair of dusters, leather vest and hat. Steam rose from his back and his orange veins glowed. He glared down at her.

He smelt of hot metal, fire, strong spices and something hidden beneath all of that.

The pair sat at a bar, the enlarged seat barely able to contain Satan’s bulk. Loona sat atop a second chair and table atop the countertop.

“Uh, yes sir.”

“Because you didn’t think I had any suggestions? I heard you went to Leviathan and Belphegor before me.”

“I…”

“You think they would give better advice than ME?”

Flames flared up from his skin as he slammed his fist onto the tabletop. His glass jumped at the impact and spilt on the table. Loona fell out of her chair and her drink rolled off and shattered. As quickly as they appeared, the flames vanished.

“Ah, apologies.”

Satan gently picked up a tiny bottle with two fingers and set it on the tiny bar for Loona.

“I am quite miffed at being passed over for those fools.”

“They both gave terrible advice.”

“Leviathan is a fool who feels the need to be sure people know him and Belphegor is a dullard. But ask anyway.” Satan brought his glass up to take a drink.

“What would be a good gift for Charlie?”

The glass shattered in his hand: Satan turned to look at Loona and narrowed his eyes.

“You have come all this way, interrupted my day, and drank my liquor all so you could ask something like THIS?”

The flames roared back to life.

“It’s important for me. And you and the other sins have insight,”

Loona paused.

“Charlie showed me the pictures of you babysitting her.”

The flames vanished again.

“Mrph. She was adorable at that age.”

Satan picked up a new glass and filled it.

“She likes Lilies, if I recall.”

“….oh.”

“You didn’t know?” Satan asked, a hidden edge to his voice.

“She’s…usually happy to get whatever.”

“Hrm.”

He downed his glass and refilled it. He held it out to Loona.

“Make her happy.”

“I promise I will.”

“You break her heart, I break you.”

“I know.”

Loona held out her bottle and the two clinked glasses.

——

“Alright, it took you like, five tries,” the black Labrador Retriever Helhound scratched behind his head, “but you got it this time!”

“I’m sorry.”

“Look, cooking is bullshit when you’re starting out.”

“Thanks Katana.”

“Hey, anytime. You and Bee helped me get this job, so I owe you.”

Loona picked up the container and left the kitchen. Niffty skittered up to her, a vase of flowers in arms.

“They just dropped it off.”

“Thanks Niff,” Loona picked them up.

“Are you guys going to make babies tonight?”

Loona stared at Niffty.

“What?”

“That’s what Angel said, you’re gonna be like “Ora Ora, Get Pregnant!”,” Niffty replied as she made thrusting motions.

“That’s not how it works.”

“She’s part Angel, they can shapeshifter and stuff. I bet she can make tentacles and stuff,” Niffty giggled.

Loona paused.

“….hrm. I should ask.”

“I can babysit too,”

“I don’t think we’re having any kids soon.”

“I can wait.” Niffty replied ominously.

“….We’ll keep that in mind.”

She skittered off as Loona continued down the hall.

“Finally going to do it, huh?” Mari popped out of nowhere.

“Shut up.”

“You gonna get laid tonight?”

“Go away.”

“Use protection.”

Mari ran off. Loona paused at the door.

“….there better not be anyone behind me trying to spy on me.”

“Told you dumb fucks she’d notice,” Cherri hissed from behind her.

“Spy on you? No, no, we’re….” Angel trailed off, “ok, we’re leaving.”

Multiple people shuffled off. After they were gone, Loona knocked on the door.

“Come in!”

Loona opened the door. Charlie was deep into paperwork.

“Everything alright, babe?” Loona asked.

“All the bills went up, we have a leak in one of the rooms, Velvette hacked our Voxstagram account but we got it back, our-“

“Why don’t you take a break? Here.”

Charlie looked up. She paused, confused for a moment and then smiled.

“Lilies!”

“Yeah, I heard they’re your favorite.”

Loona handed her the flowers. Charlie took a sniff and smiled.

“What’s the occasion?”

“Nothing, I just wanted to get you something. There’s this too.”

Charlie placed the vase down and turned back to Loona.

“What is it?”

“I uh, I tried making sweets. Katana helped. I’m still bad at it.”

Loona opened the box: misshapen, lumpy confectioneries.

“What are they?”

“He called them…Manju? It’s kind of like a little cake thing.”

Charlie picked one up and looked at it.

“Awww, it’s a little paw print!”

“No, I’m just really bad at folding them.”

“Oh. It’s still cute, though.”

Charlie popped the sweet into her mouth and chewed.

“It’s so soft! And it’s not that sweet either, it’s so good!”

“Glad you like it.”

“Thank you!

Charlie embraced Loona.

“Hey, take a breather and let’s have a snack.”

“Oh,” Charlie grinned mischievously.

“Not that kind of snack. Not when they’re all at the door.”

—-

“…Shit, she knows we’re here.”

“I fucking told you.”

Chapter Text

“Niffty, what the Hell is this?” Loona gestured at the sofa.

“I found it in the trash outside.”

“Well, put it back, it doesn’t belong to you.”

“What happened?” Angel came over to look at it.

“Fuck! I just cleaned the sofa! It’s leaking all over it!” Mari swore.

“Mari, Niffty, go grab some towels and put it on the floor.”

“Right,”

The two ran off.

“The fuck is this thing?” Cherri gestured at it.

“Keep an eye on it, I need to make a call.”

Loona pulled out her phone and dialed.

“Charlie, we got a situation.”

——

Everyone stared at the thing in front of them: what appeared to be a blue sheep-like creature clad in metal armor. Wires and tubes were inserted in the forehead wound and ran into the armor. Chains bound it to a chair, and towels were on the ground around it.

“Ok, not really my area of expertise, but I think we’ve disabled all of it’s weapons…” the Hellhound frowned as he cleaned his hands.

“Thanks Koda.”

“Sorry, I…” Charlie trailed off, “what happened?”

“Niff?”

“I found it outside in the trash. I’m going to add it to my collection.” Niffty laughed.

“What is it?”

“It looks like…a person in armor?” Loona stated.

“Does it smell like anything?”

“Oil, garbage, gunpowder and metal,” Loona rubbed her nose.

“Is it alive?”

“I think so,” Husk took a drink.

“It’s breathing, we checked.”

“Did anyone try to pull him out of it?”

“Koda?”

The large white Hellhound shrugged.

“Man, I just do maintenance, I don’t know what they did to this guy. I just removed the gun and disabled the jet pack.
I think.”

“He had a gun?”

“Here,”

Cherri placed the gun arm on the table.

“It’s not Carmine shit, dunno who made it.”

“So what do you want to do?” Loona asked.

Charlie’s response was cut off at a groan. Koda yanked out his wrench and held it in a ready position, Niffty pulled out her dagger, Angel yanked out three of his guns, Cherri yanked out a handful of explosives, Husk broke the bottom of his bottle off, Mari pulled out a gun and Loona put her hand to her sword.

Charlie glanced back at all of them.

“….really?”

“We want to be sure,”

The creature shook his head and opened his eyes: his right was bloodshot, while his left had wires and metal embedded in it.

“What…”