Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Cycle 1257

Woke up earlier with an awful migraine, the kind that makes you not want to move a single muscle in your body. Put on my uniform and tried to go to work, but Elster, bless her heart, saw what a sorry state I was in and insisted I get more rest. We argued a little bit, she does so much for me and for the ship, sometimes I wonder if I even need to be here, but then Elster smiled and brushed her hand against my cheek before giving me the most adorable little kiss on my forehead, and I remembered why, she needs me just as much as I need her. She sat me down on my bed and left briefly, came back with one of the mess hall trays loaded with a toaster pastry, a glass of water, two aspirin, and a risperidone to help me sleep. She said ‘First you eat, then you rest up and get better.’

I love this woman.

Changed back into my nightgown right in front of her. She’s already seen me naked enough times at this point that taboo is long gone, plus it’s super adorable how she tries to both look and not look at the same time. She also doesn’t seem to mind that I stopped shaving my body ages ago, it was just getting to be too much of a hassle, and used too much water. I just worry about my face now, that’s the one place I’ll never be okay with having hair on. Elster understands me so well in that regard, like when she told me about developing certain awkward feelings related to ‘missing’ parts of her body she remembered having from her Gestalt memories.

She said it was about not having feet, but, I think she was actually concerned about missing ‘something else.’

But, I won’t push her. If she wants to talk about it, I trust her to bring it up to me.

She tucked me into bed like she’s grown so fond of doing. I was already feeling guilty over missing my duties yet again, so I asked her to just stay a while. At first, Elster pulled up a chair and held my hand next to my bed, but then, and without asking, she climbed into bed behind me and held me until I fell asleep. It was the best sleep I’d had in many cycles. I think I will try and ask her to come sleep with me more often, I know she wants to, and I know she doesn’t need to be in her pod every night.

I want to do something special for her.

Chapter Text

Cycle 789

I’ve been trying out nicknames for Elster: El, Elsie, Ellie, Els, Elsa, trying to find one that feels right to say and that she seems to like. She seems a bit confused by it, doesn’t seem to quite get why, but also doesn’t tell me to stop. Today I told told her that nicknames are a way of showing affection, and, we’re getting to be good friends, now, right? But, she didn’t even know what a friend was! That took a good amount of explaining, but it was so worth it, because when she finally got it, she smiled!

I’ve never seen her smile before!

I wonder if I can get her to stop habitually referring to me as ‘Officer Yeong?’ We’re friends now, after all, not crew members.

.....

Cycle 790

Elster called me ‘Riri’ completely out of nowhere today. I wasn’t prepared for it, I was in the middle of changing a lightbulb and the shock nearly made me fall off my step ladder! Poor Elster seemed so distraught, but I reassured her again and again that everything was okay, and I encouraged her to keep trying just like I was.

.....

Cycle 791

I’m ‘Ari,’ she’s ‘Ellie’.

BFFs for life! 🙂

Chapter Text

Cycle 1467

Well, it’s official, Elster and I had our first, real, honest-to-goodness fight, and I feel like absolute scum.

And it was so stupid, stupid, stupid. I don’t know what I was thinking, I know I’m frustrated cause the water boiler’s been acting up and we haven’t really had hot water in a few cycles, but, fuck, why the fuck did I say that to her, I know it’s not true, she knows it’s not true, but I was just so angry, and now she won’t talk to me.

Elster hasn’t come up from the lower deck in two cycles except to use the bathroom. I just hope she’s still eating. I left a bottle of that grey, baby food ass looking ‘mineral supplement’ and one of those chocolate bars from my rations she likes by the ladder to the lower deck, but it was still there this morning. I haven’t bothered to leave my room since, I just want to sit in the corner and cry.

Fuck, I need to talk to her. I need to tell her I’m sorry, and I was a stupid idiot, and I love her so, so much, and of course I didn’t mean what I said about her. I’m just worried about what will happen if she doesn’t forgive me. What if this is it? What if it’s over between us? I don’t even want to think about that, it’s been easier to just stew, and cry, and punish myself more because I fucking deserve it.

Fuck, I don’t deserve her, she’s been nothing but kind, and supportive, and understanding, and I still said that to her. Maybe I’m the cold, heartless automaton and she’s the living, feeling, loving person. I don’t know anymore, I don’t even want to think of myself as a person right now.

Elster, if you’re reading this somehow, you are real.

I’m the fake.

Chapter Text

Cycle 802

Hello, diary, I’m LSTR-512, but you can call me Elster.

How was your day? My day was very content. I completed my duty list for the day one hour, seventeen minutes, and fifty-one seconds ahead of schedule, but rather than let myself be idle for that extra time, I helped Officer Yeong finish the rest of her tasks so we could both be ahead of schedule. Afterwards, we sat and talked for a bit in the mess hall over drinks. She had a lemon-lime juice mix, while I had isotonic replenishment drink no. 2. For some reason, Ariane always seems interested in the things I eat and drink, despite them not exactly being made for her. Sometimes, she will ask if she can try them, which I am pleased to do, it feels nice that she takes such an interest in me. I obviously do not let her drink any of my oxidant replenishment fluid, but, I let her try my isotonic replenishment drink, and she immediately gagged!

She told me it tasted like ‘salt water’, and immediately washed it down with some of her drink! We laughed about it briefly, but then Officer Yeong seemed to get curious, and she asked me if I could taste things. I told her I could taste flavours, but I didn’t have a frame of reference for what those tastes mean, and then, she started to experiment with me, which was quite engaging. First, she asked me to try a sip of her drink, I told her it didn’t taste like much, just a weak version of carbohydrate replenishment drink no. 1. So, she got a bottle of that from the fridge I hadn’t finished yet and tried a bit of it herself.

Sweet. She told me it tasted sweet.

Officer Yeong then got a second packet of one of her drink mixes and mixed it into a second glass of water. It was bright red, and it was labelled ‘fruit punch’. She asked me to try this, and it was very tasty! I told her it tastes very strongly, and I liked it a lot. She smiled and said I could have the rest of it, so I finished it. We continued similarly testing other tastes, and by the end, Officer Yeong concluded that I could taste sweet, and salty things, but not sour, bitter, or savoury flavours. She seemed a bit distraught by this revelation, saying it was sad that my tastes were so limited, but I told her I couldn’t miss what I had never had, and I was grateful that she offered to share the things she had that I could taste.

That made her smile, it feels good when I can make Officer Yeong smile.

After our little experiment, we talked some more, and Officer Yeong asked me if I ever kept a diary. I did not know what that meant, so she explained it to me. A diary is like a book where you write about what happened each day in it, which sounds intriguing. I told Officer Yeong that I had no need for a physical account of my daily activities. My memory banks are capable of storing up to 800 quadrillion bits, and as such I keep internal daily logs of my activities which I can recall at any time. I demonstrated this to her by perfectly recalling the events of Cycle 237 I was involved in, but she shook her head and told me it wasn’t the same thing, and that I should try keeping a written diary for awhile, to see what it felt like.

I told her I did not know how I should write such a diary, and she told me to treat it as if I’m writing to it like talking to a friend? Which, that makes you and me friends, right? I recently learned what friends are, so, if we’re friends as well, I probably don’t need to be writing Officer Yeong, I can write ‘Ari’.

Ari and I had a pleasant rest of our day. I read one of the novels Ari brought with her on this voyage, she continued her painting, and later that night, we watched a movie together. It was interesting, it was about a small group of people on a space station dealing with various unexplainable supernatural phenomena. I noticed near the end that Ari had fallen asleep against my shoulder. For some reason I do not understand, this sight of her sleeping against me seemed to cause my circulatory functions to speed up by twenty-three percent, so when I am finished writing to you, I will enter my maintenance pod to run a full diagnostic of that system. When the movie ended, I carefully picked Ari up and placed her in bed, making sure to pull the covers up to her neck. I then quietly wished her a good night, and returned to my maintenance bay to write to you, my diary.

I wonder, did Ari say I should do this because she wished to read it? I should ask her about that in the morning.

Well, goodnight, diary, I hope you experience a restful sleep.

Chapter Text

Cycle 3006

I don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

I haven’t written in this diary in six cycles, I haven’t really done much of anything since I unsealed that envelope.

I didn’t tell Ellie what it said, I couldn’t. I lied and said Phase 3 was returning to our solar system after a job well done. Then I took the orders and dumped them out of the garbage chute.

So, we turned the ship around, but even if by some miracle we make it back, what is even waiting for us? Ellie will get ‘decommissioned’ after they take one look at her, and I doubt I will fare much better.

Ellie can tell something is wrong. She doesn’t say anything, but she’s stuck close to me like glue since that day, always giving me a helping hand in whatever I’m doing. She washes my brushes and palette when I’m too tired to do so, which is all of the time now. She gives me a hug every time we bump into each other on the ship, I have to fight the urge to cry into her embrace. She holds me gently and runs her fingers through my hair. I’d normally cut it after getting this long, but I’m too tired to do that as well.

There’s a sadness in her eyes that is surely a reflection of my own, and I see it even when we’re dancing, or kissing each other, or even when we’re making love.

My back hurts nearly all of the time now, so I stopped rationing the morphine, I figure it doesn’t matter anymore. There are days I feel like I barely have the energy to dress myself, so Ellie helps me. She asks me each time if I’d rather stay in bed that day, and sometimes the pain and exhaustion are too much to say no, but, I don’t want to just sleep the days away, I’d rather live them for as long as I can, by Ellie’s side.

I don’t fear death. But I do fear losing her. She is my heart, my whole world. I’m sure she feels the same.

Sometimes, I dream about us living in a little house by the lakeside. I’ve never seen a lake before, only pictures, but it sounds like a serene place to build a home. My mom and the Itous are there, Ellie goes out fishing on the lake and catches us a big fish to eat, we sit around a campfire at night and roast marshmallows for s’mores, and we’ve got a big, squishy bed to cuddle each other in.

It’s a nice fantasy, but that’s all it will ever be, a fantasy.

Just give me one more day, please. One more day with her.

It’s all I could ever want.

Chapter Text

Cycle 611

I caught the Elster unit looking at my paintings.

No, no, that doesn’t feel right, Elster isn’t a ‘the’, or ‘it’, Elster’s a ‘she’, like me.

That felt rude to write, I’m sorry, Elster.

But, I’m still surprised.

For the entire journey so far Elster hasn’t said a single word to me that wasn’t strictly business. “This task is done,” “I did this,” “Do you need help with that?” all strictly professional things. Until now, I guess I never really considered whether Elster had a personality, or likes, dislikes, tastes, heck, she could’ve fooled me into thinking she is some kind of completely autonomous robot.

But, then again, I haven’t said a word to her that wasn’t necessary, either. Huh.

And yet, Elster was seriously studying those paintings. She had her hand to her chin and her head cocked a little to the side and looked at each of the three finished landscapes and the fourth one I was working on.

The door just happened to be open while I was walking by the storage room where I do my painting, and I don’t think Elster noticed that I was watching her briefly.

Did she leave it open on purpose?

Did she want me to see that she was interested in my paintings?

Is this her way of trying to communicate with me?

Maybe we’re more alike than I thought.

Maybe she’s just like me.

I’ll try ‘communicating’ back. See if I can get her attention.

Chapter Text

Cycle 1470

I didn’t know I could cry.

Our eye sockets have little openings on the sides, but they’re only for dispensing lubricating fluid for our ocular devices.

Actually, that’s just, I just described tears and tear ducts, didn’t I.

But the point is, I didn’t know I could cry like Ariane does.

I’ve seen her cry a few times. When she stubs her toe really bad, when she’s had a bad nightmare, when she accidentally dropped that little cake she put together from a couple of banana loaf slices, improvised sugary icing, and canned strawberries for our 1000 Cycle anniversary.

I’ve never before felt bad enough that I might cry. I’ve gotten upset, usually because Ariane is upset, and I don’t like it when she’s unhappy, but I’ve never felt bad about myself, I suppose.

At least until a few cycles ago.

I’d never been scared until a few cycles ago.

Because I thought she hated me.

I don’t know if it’s because my Gestalt was also in love with another woman, and that feeling has implanted into me, or if this is something I’ve developed myself.

But I don’t think I could bear to lose her.

I love her too much.

Part of me says I should sit in my maintenance pod for an extended persona re-stabilization session. Part of me says I’m endangering the mission by losing myself to these emotions, and I don’t care about the mission, but, endangering the mission means endangering Ariane. I couldn’t live with myself if I was responsible for something bad happening to her.

Am I good enough for her?

Are we together just because we’ve been only around each other for years?

If there were others on this mission, would we have still fallen in love?

I don’t want to think about these things, but they were all I could think about the past few cycles.

All I know is that I love her, and I want her to be happy.

So if she’s happy being with me, that should be enough.

I hope it’s enough.

Chapter Text

Cycle 1171

Today, Ariane and I had what she called a ‘veg day’.

I don’t quite understand why emulating a vegetable means lazing about and not doing much, or perhaps she was referring to being in a ‘vegetative state’, but that doesn’t exactly sound pleasant.

I still went about my daily task list, but when I finished, Ariane called me to her room. It was just into the afternoon by that point, but she was still in her sleepwear. I’ve noticed she tends to stay in it longer and longer most days, coinciding with letting her hair grow longer before she cuts it.

She asked me to come ‘cuddle’ with with her while we watched some probably banned serials on the television, except, Ariane didn’t seem that interested in actually watching them, given how much she talked to me.

She kept asking me about various functions and parts of my body, and I found it a little confusing. I told her she could likely get most of the information I could give her from my operations manual, but she said she wanted to hear it from me. She mostly asked what it felt like to be touched in various places, my chest, arms, legs, sides of my torso, stomach, and neck, to name a few, most of it seemed pretty comparable to how she felt, but my hands specifically are very sensitive, that’s so I don’t accidentally break things with my grip strength.

And then, she asked me if I felt naked for not having any clothes.

I told her the various coverings around my body could be removed and swapped out for others, which makes them basically my clothes, but Ariane seemed to disagree. She said that because my organs, muscles, servos, and other biomechanical bits were underneath those coverings, they were more akin to my skin.

It’s only as I’m writing this diary entry now that I realize I never considered this, and I can’t help but feel a strange apprehension about having this brought up to me.

I have Gestalt memories of wearing different clothes and not wearing any clothes, but where I am doesn’t quite feel like either. Gestalts wear clothes to protect themselves from the elements, and also because there is a societal taboo about seeing other’s bare skin below the neck, especially in the genital region, unless those people are in private and intimate with each other.

But, I don’t have to protect myself from the elements to the same degree a Gestalt does, and I don’t have a genital region.

And now I’m suddenly aware that I’m missing that, as well.

This is giving me a very strange feeling, I almost want to call it dissociation.

I think I will need to spend an extended time in my recalibration pod before these awkward feelings grow any stronger.

Wait, Ariane and I are in a private place together. There is nobody else about this vessel.

And we’ve kissed, we’ve danced, we’ve held each other in bed, we are assuredly intimate with each other.

I need to ask Ariane about this. Unfortunately, she’s already gone to bed for the night, so it’ll have to be tomorrow.

Recalibration can wait, I think.

…..

Cycle 1172

Dear Diary,

Guess who’s no longer a twenty-three-year-old virgin!

Now if only I could feel my legs.

I wonder if Ellie feels the same.

Her inner thighs were just so fun to play with, she’s so sensitive there.

…..

Cycle 1174

I don’t think any amount of recalibration can revert the cascade of feelings I have now.

I didn’t know I could be made to feel the things I did. The pleasure, the desire, the need.

And I’m discovering a whole new side of Ari I never knew existed before.

She was too tired last Cycle, and in desperation, I tried to handle those feelings myself, unsuccessfully.

I am rather troubled, but I don’t want to stop. I can’t.

…..

Cycle 1175

Ellie and I need to get a handle on things soon or we’re never going to get any work done again.

…..

Cycle 1177

The hallway door to the medical bay has been jammed for four Cycles now.

I think Ari and I have a problem.

…..

Cycle 1180

If it wasn’t for the fact that it would make me even more uncontrollably horny than I already am, I would seriously be considering how to fashion some kind of chastity device from the materials we have aboard.

…..

Cycle 1181

I realized I could simply turn off my sense of touch at any time, but would that even be enough?

…..

Cycle 1182

I think it’s finally out of our systems for now.

Just for now.

…..

Cycle 1182

Medical bay door is finally fixed.

Now we just need to perform maintenance on the upper deck heating pumps, the washing machine, the water purification rig, the flight calibration sensors, and replace the broken chair caster in Ari’s room.

We’ll be busy for awhile.

We have to be.

Chapter Text

Cycle 4972

I don’t even know why I bother to write these anymore.

We’re going to die, that we’ve made it this long with the reactor shielding failing and different parts of the ship breaking down faster and faster every Cycle than we can repair them is a miracle enough.

The best Ellie and I have been able to do is to find the rare day when we can ignore things enough to enjoy ourselves and each other.

I haven’t eaten in two days. I practically swim in my clothes now. Even if the thought of eating didn’t make me feel even sicker, neither of us wants to leave this room. It’s easiest to play pretend here, with Ellie holding me while I cry myself to sleep, or me comforting her when she’s having a seizure.

This is just our life now.

My right eye has been feeling cloudy and dull, lately. Probably cataracts. I don’t want to lose my sight, I don’t want the last time I see Ellie to be the last time I see her. Take away my legs, my arms, my hair, or even my guts, but don’t take away my eyes just yet. Let me see her and continue to pretend.

I’m pretty sure Ellie is feeling it worse than I am, she’s just better at hiding it. She always leaves the room when she has to vomit up fluid, and she’s almost totally reliant on crutches to get around.

We made them by taking apart my easels. I haven’t painted anything in over two hundred Cycles, anyway.

Neither of us has the strength anymore to make love in any of the ways we once did.

Maybe it would be easier if I went into the flight deck again and turned the life support down to almost nothing. Ellie and I could spend our last few hours or minutes together in peaceful euphoria, and then the nightmare would be over.

But I don’t want to leave her, I can’t.

And I don’t want her to leave me, either.

So we struggle in futility for a future that was never ours.

Maybe one day if the wreckage of this ship is ever found, they’ll find our journals, and logs, and us peacefully asleep in each other’s arms, and someone among them will feel moved by our story. Maybe someone will keep us alive by remembering our story, maybe they will tell others, and we’ll live collectively in the hearts of those who felt moved by our love.

But I’m just dreaming again.

There’s nothing out there but infinite darkness.

The stars were never going to be ours.

Chapter Text

Cycle 272

Well, guess who’s gonna have to put all her paintings on hold because she’s a big clumsy idiot?

The light fixture in the storage bay I keep my easels in burnt out, and I thought I could take care of it myself. Just stack some boxes so I can reach the ceiling, right? Could’ve gotten a step ladder from one of the other rooms, or called the Elster unit to give me a hand, but no, I had to be a big impatient baby and try and do it right there, by myself.

One slip, one fall, and one broken arm later, and now I’m suddenly learning to do everything with my non-dominant hand.

I gave up and just typed this on the ship’s computer and printed it. Have never liked doing that, diaries are supposed to be personal, be written by hand, but this is better than not being able to read it later.

Elster must have heard me cry out in pain because she was in the room just a few seconds later. She didn’t ask about the paintings, or the smashed fluorescent light on the floor, or even what had happened as I sat there cradling my limp arm, she just scooped me up in her arms and carried me to the medical bay before I could even get a word in.

She was all professional, gave me a painkiller before rather gingerly setting my broken forearm, then bandage, cast, and sling, all with as little words as possible.

She’s efficient, I’ll give her that. I thanked her but she said it wasn’t necessary, and also said she’d cover my side of the task list for a few days while I recovered.

She also sighed when it was all over, probably out of frustration. I get it, I’m a clutz.

Well, if there was ever a time to make that last bag of popcorn I snuck aboard the ship to watch a movie with, I guess it’s now.

Thanks, Elster, I’ll try to be more careful in the future.

Chapter Text

Cycle 6???

Alone.

Ship falling apart.

Ariane asleep.

Probably forever.

I’m trying, my love.

I will find a place for you to rest.

This ship will not be your tomb.

You’ll breathe fresh air. Feel wind in your hair and face.

Tired.

Want to sleep. Want to join her.

Promised we wouldn’t leave each other alone.

Failing that promise.

I’m trying.

Just let me keep trying

Just one more day. One more day.

I’ll save you.

I promise.

Chapter Text

Cycle 912

I want to have a sleepover with Elster.

I remembered these really old paperback girly serial books from Vineta my Mom had, ones that would probably be banned if anyone remembered about them, well, one of them was about a big sleepover party all the girls in the serial had together, it really stuck with me. I’ve never had one, I might have had the opportunity to do one with Isa and Erika, but, that time has passed.

It’ll just be the two of us, for sure, but I think I can make it work! I can pull out all of my blankets and lay them out on the floor of my stern observation room, hopefully, that’ll be enough padding. We’ve got fizzy drinks included in my rations, but no chips or popcorn, I’m sure I can work out something from among the packs.

I’ll ask Elster to help me move the TV, don’t exactly trust myself not to drop it going down the ladder, the thing is so heavy, and I honestly don’t know what I’d do if I broke it. We can stay up late watching some of those silly propaganda movies and they’ll almost feel appropriate for the occasion, I think, and having the stars from the window as our backdrop will just feel perfect.

Maybe I’ll see if I can teach Elster to paint nails! I know she doesn’t exactly have them, but a girl’s gotta be allowed to feel pretty! And if she doesn’t want to try, she can paint mine, who knows, maybe she’ll even remember how from her past life.

We don’t have any board games, but I could do a reading for Elster using Mom’s old deck of tarot cards, she might find it interesting.

And of course, we gotta do truth or dare, I’m morbidly curious to see what she’ll ask me, what she wants answers to, or just wants to see me do.

I’m gonna see if I can get her to try singing.

The last thing is, gotta look through my wardrobe and find the loosest PJs I can. I know Elster doesn’t need to wear clothes nor does she seem to care, but, you just gotta be wearing PJs, it won’t feel right unless we’re both equally cuddly.

Fingers crossed that it’ll all work out and that she’ll be just as interested in this idea as I am.

Cycle 914

Scheiße! Scheiße! Scheiße! Scheiße! Scheiße! Elster sat there with a completely straight face and asked me to tell the truth if I’ve ever had a crush on someone!

How does she even know what that word is? How many of my books has she actually read? She must have gone through a lot of them, Scheiße!

I panicked and backed out! So she got to dare me twice, had to drink an entire cup of hot sauce, it burned for hours, and try and do a hand-stand, which I fell over three times trying to do, and I’m probably not even safe because if Elster thought to ask me that then she must at least be suspicious now!

I’m not ready! I don’t know what to do! Why did I ever think this would be a good idea?!

Chapter Text

Cycle 1203

A thought just occurred to me.

AEON designed the LSTR Replika. They built them. They used a specific Gestalt’s neural pattern to serve as their intelligence, which as Elster has told, and shown me, was a very homosexual woman.

And then they sent them onto these scouting missions with only one other person, a Gestalt, for company, and the uniforms supplied to these officers are, well, skintight.

And they knew some of these officers would be women. Like me.

Did they not know that all of their Replikas were lesbians? Did they not care?

I remember during my time in boot camp there was the occasional gossip of Replikas entering secretive relationships with each other: Stars and Storches, Stars and Eules, even a Storch and a Kolibri apparently, and all of these were definitely not permitted by command, but since many of highest-ranking officers were themselves Replikas, maybe they were reluctant to punish their own kind.

How aware are they that many of their state-of-the-art Replikas are big homos?

Is one of us just secretly running things at AEON and laughing as all of these reports come in? What about the other Penrose scouters? Would other Elsters end up in the same situation as dear Ellie and I?

I feel bad for the ones that were stuck with a guy, actually both of them, honestly.

Anyway, I have a feeling that ever since our little spree, Elster’s been more and more attentive to the way I dress, especially when in uniform. She has such a hard time looking me in the eye a lot of the time. It’s just so adorable how she catches herself and apologizes every time. It’s okay Ellie, I feel you. Your wonderfully toned and strong body fucking does things to me, okay? I make up excuses for you to lift heavy things just because I want to see those synthetic muscles in your back light up. It’s not just you!

I just wonder if she’s also noticed that lately, I’ve tended to go without a certain article of clothing.

.....

Cycle 1203

Dear diary,

Today I passed by Ariane as she was doing maintenance in the storage bay. I think she had dropped something behind some boxes because she was bent over one and trying to reach something.

I turned to see if she needed help, but I noticed she didn’t have a-

There was no outline where-

My eyes definitely didn’t deceive me, she wasn’t-

Ariane wasn’t wearing any underwear.

I thought I was going to pass out. I walked right into a door and nearly fell over. I felt dizzy for nearly an hour, and I specifically recalled a Gestalt memory of my donor having a nosebleed.

Ariane, do you want a repeat of last month?

We are in imminent danger of a repeat, which I’m fine with, but I do not think the ship- the thing that keeps us safe from the deadly-deadly vacuum of space, agrees.

Maybe it would be better if I asked her to wear some regular clothes.

Chapter Text

Cycle 4444

According to my mother, there’s always something ominous about the number four.

Four, four, four, four. Four is misfortune, four is misery, four is loss, four is death.

And yet, on our four-thousand-four-hundred-and-forty-fourth cycle, we caught what might be called a lucky break.

Ever since the backup water reclaimer broke down, we’ve had to severely ration our water usage. Two litres feels like a good amount of water, but when it’s all you’ve allowed yourself for hundreds of cycles, it starts to wear on you. It feels like there’s not a single bit of my lips that aren’t cracked, and the smell is starting to approach intolerable levels. Neither of us can remember the last time we had a shower, and regular showers are very important when you’re under constant threat of being exposed to deadly amounts of ionizing radiation.

But then, we came across a large asteroid just lazily flying through space as we are. And not just any asteroid, but one filled with ice.

As it just so happens, deep within our greatly diminished cargo holds was a small amount of excavating equipment, mainly some drills and blasting charges, but it was enough for Ellie to mine huge chunks off to carry back to the ship after we touched down, and we easily refilled all of our tanks to full.

However, without any way to reclaim the water, it’ll only give us another three, maybe four hundred Cycles sticking to our current rate, assuming nothing else on the ship breaks down.

Or, we could stay.

There’s enough ice on this celestial body to last us years, maybe even decades, and we wouldn’t have to ration anymore, but this asteroid is going places even slower than we are, and there’s still the issue of the rest of our unreplenishable supplies slowly running out.

Ellie’s become something of a masseuse ever since we ran out of painkillers. I could just have her run the portable x-ray on my back but I don’t need a machine to tell me I’ve got a tumour growing on the inside of my spine. I can just tell.

So, we could stay, which would mean certain death, but we would definitely die much more comfortably than we would out alone in the vastness of space. Being able to have regular showers again would almost certainly prolong our lives, and it would be nice to stay and have somewhere to actually get outside the ship and stretch my legs, even if it has to be in the confines of an AVA suit.

Or, we continue on our course in the billion-to-one chance we encounter a habitable world before the last of our food, water, or power runs out, or until the failing reactor finally kills us both.

I asked Ellie and she actually pulled rank, something I can only count the number of times she’s done on one hand. She said I’m the officer, so it’s my choice, and she’ll support me either way.

I don’t want it to be solely my choice, but, Ellie saw an opportunity to to skirk painful responsibility and took it. I don’t blame her, I probably would’ve done the same.

In the end, I don’t think it matters to her so long as we’re together.

And we will be, to the end.

I should sleep on it, but when the two choices are certain death, and almost certain death, well.

Almost isn’t one hundred percent. I should heed my mother’s warning, and flee from death.

For now, though, I’m going to have the longest shower of my life.

I’ve earned that much at least.

Chapter Text

Cycle 2102

Today, Ellie asked me out of the blue where I would want to live.

“If you live anywhere in the solar system, where would you be?”

And of course, I answered, “Wherever you are, silly,” and she smiled and kissed my cheek.

“Ok, where would we live if you could pick anywhere for us?”

I had to think about it.

Vineta before the war would’ve been my number one pick, but we don’t have a time machine. Still, the small settlements the Nation has managed to build atop the oceans are somewhat promising, and I would love the opportunity to live on a beachfront and just be able to stick my feet in some cool, but not freezing water whenever I wanted to.

And from there, we dreamt on.

“What kind of house would we have?” A cozy little cottage right by the waterfront. Wood stove, fine, oak construction, an outdoor patio with some of those swinging chairs, and some pets, a big, fluffy dog, and a small, adorable kitten. There would be fish in the water, and we’d have a small pier and boat to go out and catch them. At night, we could light up an outdoor fireplace and sit outside and watch the stars and ships fly by. We’d inspire others to come along and join us, and we’d end up building our own little community together.

“What would we do for a living?” Well, I’d probably devote myself to painting and art full-time. I could do portraits for commission, paint beautiful vistas to exhibit in museums, and perhaps I could even indulge myself in more sensual affairs just for the two of us. Ellie said she’d like to open her own mechanic's shop for doing everything from fixing cars to repairing old radios. Instantly I pictured the thought of her in a worn pair of coveralls with splotches of grease across her hands and face after working head-first on some old vintage model. That is so much her. I couldn’t imagine her doing anything else.

“Would we have any kids?”

I wasn’t expecting that. Ellie, you’ve made it through all of my books, haven’t you?

I’d never given it thought. Ellie hasn’t either, which, well, she’s a Replika, but she said she meant her Gestalt life had never thought of it either. Maybe she never got the chance to consider it.

It made me think of my mother. She did the best she could raising me, she made me the woman I am today, the same one the Nation tried so very hard to kill.

Could I be that for someone else? Am I even capable of being that? Do I want that responsibility?

I wanted to just say, “Let’s not get carried away in our fantasies,” and leave it at that, but I couldn’t.

With Ellie, what do I want? Who do I want to be? Do I just want to just be Ariane Yeong, an amateur artist turned space pilot? Or do I want more than that? Can I even have more?

I couldn’t give a definitive answer, I didn’t know, but, I said that’s okay.

Finding those answers together is part of our journey of love.

Chapter Text

Cycle 23

Today I finally broke out my paintbrushes.

We’ve made it far enough away from any Nation patrol ships since launch that no one can really chastise or punish me anymore for ‘wasting my time’ on such artistic frivolities.

Sure, they may have let me take all of my painting supplies with me on this mission, but I always assumed that was just appeasement because I actually volunteered to be a pilot on this wild endeavour. Once we’re strapped in and blasting off into space I knew they’d go right back to ‘obey regulations’ this, and ‘respect the Nation’ that.

But we’re now at a point where communications to and from AEON Command will take a couple of days at least, and soon after we’ll be out of range of standard communications entirely.

Nobody can stop me now.

Well, except that Elster.

But, she didn’t.

Once I learned that we would be accompanied by a purpose-built Replika on this mission, I thought for sure she would be spying on me as part of her tasks. Make sure the Gestalt obeys regulations at all times, just like the Blockwart back home.

So, when she opened the storage bay door and caught me right at work on my first landscape piece in years, I panicked.

But, she was more confused than anything else.

She didn’t seem to know what painting was?

I told her what I was doing, showed her what I was doing, and then she just nodded and left.

Elster, you’re a bit strange, aren’t you?

Chapter Text

Cycle 2437

I’m starting to worry about Ari.

I’m no stranger at this point to comforting her whenever she has a bad nightmare, or an anxiety or panic attack, or any other issue from what the medical manual describes as ‘Cabin Fever’.

But, it’s getting bad.

I was doing some routine maintenance down in the lower deck when I heard her start to scream from above. I immediately climbed up to the upper deck hallway and found her collapsed on the ground next to a broken heating pipe that was venting hot steam into the room. I don’t know if it happened to break while she was walking by or if she was attempting to fix it herself, but she was gasping for air, clutching her chest and throat, and kept saying she couldn’t breathe, and that the walls were collapsing around her.

I tried to comfort her but she shoved my hands away and crawled further away every time I tried to get closer, all the way until she backed into a corner. To see her react to my presence in such a way, it’s never happened before. She acted like I was some monster out to get her. When she started to turn pale and choke, I decided I had to act, and I picked her up through her screams and attempts to break free of my grasp and took her to the medical bay so I could give her some oxygen.

Getting her to hold the mask over her face and breathe did help a little bit, but everything from her eyes, to her body temperature, to her pulse still screamed panic. Normally, just my presence is enough to calm Ari when she’s having a mental episode such as this, but not this time. I was worried about her heart, so I gave her a sedative so I could safely leave her alone until I got the pipe fixed, and now she’s asleep in bed.

But last I checked she was still shaking and sweating in her sleep.

I don’t know what to do. None of my programming, none of my Gestalt’s experience gives me any idea of how to take care of her.

I don’t exactly have one in the same way Gestalts do, but seeing her like this.

It breaks my heart.

I want to go back to her room and gently hold her in her sleep, to help her feel safe and loved, but.

I don’t know if my presence will help or hurt her.

I don’t know what to do.

She’s in pain, and I don’t know how to help.

I’m sorry, Ari.

Chapter Text

Cycle 955

One day.

I forgot to do my injection for one day and now my insides are trying to tear themselves apart.

Couldn’t even get out of bed, it was so bad. Just curled up under my blankets every time the pangs came and groaned until they would fade, but not disappear completely.

And yet, somehow this is not the most painful thing I’m going through right now.

Elster.

She checked in on me when I failed to leave my room and from that moment, she tended to my every need.

She came by every hour to bring me painkillers, to bring me a fresh hot water bottle, to bring me something to eat or drink, or just to hold my hand until she returned to her duties.

And like a true gentlewoman, she didn’t question my having a period in the first place. She just looked after me and brought me everything I needed.

And I cried like a baby.

It was easy to pass it off as just being from how painful my cramps were and not how stupidly, hopelessly in love with her I am. And the fucking hormones make it so much worse. Every time she looks at me with her perfectly sculpted, caring, handsome face I want to crash my lips into hers. Every time she picks me up or even brushes her hand against me I feel like my heart is going to explode. She held my wrist and pointed out how fast my pulse was and all I could do was just mumble something about anxiety. She wiped my forehead with a cool cloth in bed and sweetly wished I’d feel better soon and I had to bite my lip to stop myself from screaming that I loved her at the top of my lungs.

When she was finished with both of our tasks she stayed in my room and watched some old movies with me. She sat right next to me in bed and it’s a good thing we kept the lights off or she would’ve seen that I was as red as a tomato the entire time.

Elster you are ruining me with your perfection. How can you possibly be this good to me? What could I have possibly done to deserve it? How can I make myself worthy enough to love you? You’re here doing your best to take care of me because you’re the sweetest, most caring, most beautiful woman in the entire universe and here I am barely able to restrain my stupid, gay, yearning heart and freight train of a libido.

It’s pathetic, I feel weak and pathetic, curled up in agony in bed and too lovesick to even talk to her for fear that I’ll say too much.

I bet my mom would be laughing at me right now. Isa and Erika too, likely. I am so pathetic. I am so pathetically, hopelessly, endlessly in love and I cannot do a goddamn thing about it.

And the worst part is I know she’s gay! She told me a few Cycles ago that her Gestalt was in love with a woman! And yet I still won’t do a goddamn thing about it!

Why can’t I say anything? Why can’t I tell her?

Why can’t I stop my gut from trying to invert itself and explode?

Fuck, I just want to sleep.

I don’t know how much longer I can go on like this.

They’ll find my body years from now and conclude: “Sad woman literally too gay to live.”

Maybe that’s my legacy.

Chapter Text

Cycle 1455

Ari has beautiful hair.

My hair is artificial, like most of me. It grows, but only to replace what is lost. Still, Ari tells me my hair is very pretty.

But Ari has beautiful hair.

White as the snowcaps on Vineta. Soft, delicate, ethereal. Like an angel’s wings.

I could brush her hair for hours and not get tired of it, not get tired of her.

I can’t believe people would hurt her over her beauty.

I can’t believe people would see what a special, wonderful girl she is, and decide to hurt her because of it.

And yet, she said she’s okay with it.

She joined the Penrose program to get away, so if it wasn’t for those people hurting her, we would never have met.

I don’t think I’m okay with this.

I love her, but I would never want to see Ari hurt, even if it meant giving her up.

She didn’t like that I said that.

Waited a few hours, then came back to her room. Hugged her, calmed her down by brushing her hair with my hands. It soothes her.

We both deserved better, but we have what we have because of it.

We have each other.

And Ari has beautiful hair.

She likes to keep it short, but I want to suggest she let it grow out for a while.

I want to try braiding her beautiful hair.

She probably won’t agree. She doesn’t feel the same way about her hair that I do. I understand why.

So I’ll keep telling her she has beautiful hair.

Because it’s true.

Chapter Text

Cycle 3587

Ellie asked me if I regretted signing up for the Penrose mission.

So, she too seems to have accepted our pending deaths.

It’s easy to pretend otherwise if you ignore the dwindling supplies, the thrice-rationed rations, the constant flickering lights, and the frequent reactor shielding warning messages that flash across the control console.

We’re just, behind schedule, yeah.

Nothing’s wrong, situation normal.

At least I’ve gotten accustomed to the hunger pangs.

Ellie suggested that maybe I should enter cryosleep, that way we’d only be using half the supplies we normally did, but I can’t do that, I won’t.

I promised her we’d never leave each other alone.

That’s why I told her I have no regrets.

If I hadn’t come on this mission, I wouldn’t have been allowed to be who I am, I wouldn’t have met her, I wouldn’t have fallen in love.

But I’d still be alive? I don’t think so.

I already felt dead on Rotfront. The only solace I had was with Isa and Erika, and when they left, I was truly alone.

I might have still been alive, but it would still be a slow, crushing death as the Nation squeezed everything out of me that made me Ariane, or maybe I’d be rotting in prison for being a deviant, or maybe I’d have hung myself in despair. In every case, I’d still be dead.

Everybody dies, but not everybody truly lives.

Ellie laughed at that. I did too. It’s an incredibly corny line from one of the corniest propaganda films they gave us.

But it is true.

I wouldn’t trade what I had with Ellie for anything.

But I would really like a big bowl of buttery mashed potatoes.

Chapter Text

Cycle 870

Today, I decided to dig deeper through my bags of personal items.

I know! I’m years into this mission, and I still haven’t fully unpacked all of my bags! I just lost my damn pair of nail clippers and knew I had one in my old makeup bag.

But when I found it, I got to thinking.

I’m not entirely sure why I brought this with me, I knew there was going to be only one other person on this voyage, a Replika, even, so why would I need to bother with such time-wasting girly things like hair styling, shaving, and makeup?

At the time, my thought process was just, ‘Well, a girl’s gotta feel good about herself,’ but that’s why I tried to bring other things aboard the Penrose… things which unfortunately got confiscated, but I’ve been able to improvise with some things I’ve found around the ship.

But now, right after I’ve put on my eyeliner again for the first time in years, I’m truly glad I have it with me.

Cause Elster did a double-take when she saw me with it.

Oh, she can try to pass it off as just surprise, or ‘not recognizing me’ or whatever excuse she has, but I know what that exact reaction and look she had was. I’ve seen it before, I’ve done it myself before, there’s no denying it.

She thinks I’m pretty!

My heart does a little sing just thinking about it. My own precious Replika engineer Elster thinks I’m pretty, it was all over her face. I don’t know if Replika can blush, but I can guarantee she must have felt as though she was blushing.

In hindsight, I can’t believe I ever felt bad about being assigned her on this mission.

I don’t know what I’d do without Elster. She’s easy to talk to, she has a cute laugh, she takes care of me when I hurt myself or when I’m not feeling well, she doesn’t demean me, or try to control me, she’s genuinely interested in me as a person, as a woman, and seems happy to be a part of my life.

She’s become special to me, in a way. I feel like I could talk to her about anything, and I feel more at ease just when she’s in the room with me.

I don’t know how else to describe it but I just feel safe around her. I feel like I can be myself in every way I am and she’ll like me more for it.

I hope she feels the same way.

You’re such a good friend, Elster, I want to be a good friend to you as well.

Cycle 871

Oh my Goddess.

I’m in love with her.

I’m in love with Elster.

Chapter Text

Cycle 2997

I think Ari had a heart attack.

It was early in the morning and I had gotten up early to work on the heating pump in the mess hall when she staggered in, still wearing her bedclothes. Could barely breathe, said her chest hurt, looked pale- paler than usual. I took her pulse and then immediately carried her to the medbay where I gave her some aspirin.

That seemed to stop things from getting worse, but I still can’t get that anxiety to go away.

I held her for hours, neither of us said a word, and she eventually fell asleep in my arms.

And when she woke up, the first thing she said was, ‘Ellie, you look awful.’

My systems are all working within normal parameters but my psyche is.

Strained.

I can’t let myself falter for one moment. If I hadn’t been there, if I was in my recalibration pod.

She could have died.

But Ari is worried about me. I don’t know why but when she said that, I felt as though I’d let her down.

She wants me to spend a few Cycles in stasis, let everything calm down.

She pulled rank on me. She’s serious.

Ari has to be okay for a few Cycles, right?

We’ve got our 3000 Cycle anniversary coming up.

She’s going to come ‘tuck me into bed’ now.

Stay safe, Ari. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.

Chapter Text

Cycle 1190

Well, now that we’ve gotten our ‘urges’ under control I thought it would be prudent to have a sit down with Ellie and uh, work out some kind of schedule or framework for how to handle things in the future.

Ellie laughed, “You want to make a schedule for our fucking?” but I’m deadly serious! We let so much of the ship break down because all we did for ten days straight was make love and sleep, with only occasional breaks for food and other bodily needs. One of us needs to be the responsible adult, and loathe as I am to step into that role, I do not think dear Ellie is up to the task of reigning in both of our rampaging libidos.

But Goddesses above, the sad puppy-dog look she gave me nearly broke my resolve. Good effort, Ellie, but unless you can teach the ship to fly and repair itself, we desperately need this.

We came up with the following rubric together:

- No fucking in rooms with sensitive equipment.
So, the medical bay, reactor control room, cryogenics room, and flight deck are all off-limits. Ellie seemed mostly okay with this, the idea of doing anything intimate in those first three rooms kinda unnerves us both.

- No fucking when important/often-used systems need repairing.
No more leaving doors stuck, water purification rig clogged, washing machines jammed. Ellie frowned, but I just reminded her that so long as we stay on top of everything, this shouldn’t be an issue.

- No fucking before breakfast.
This is just for personal health. Besides, as I’ve discovered, sex on an empty stomach just isn’t all that great, you want to have a good amount of energy or it’ll just feel disappointing.

- No masturbating while Elster is conducting repairs or spending time in her recalibration pod.
A concession offered to Ellie, since she’s the one who does most of the mechanical work aboard the ship. I want this to feel fair for her as it does for me.

Anyway, with that out of the way, hopefully, we’ll both be on our way to conducting safe, responsible, Goddess-fearing intercourse.

Yeah, I couldn’t even write that with a straight face. Still, I can’t say we didn’t try!

Now, I wonder if Ellie feels as in the mood as I do right now.

Chapter Text

Cycle 5???

This will be my last entry into this collection of journals.

My name is Ariane Yeong, Scout Officer in Command of the Penrose-512.

Our mission is a failure, but we never gave up; either of us.

We have succeeded over five-thousand Cycles of exploration. The exact date has been unknown ever since the ship’s chronometer ceased functioning.

Supplies are nearly exhausted. Systems throughout the ship are failing one by one. Living conditions are no longer sustainable. Crew health and morale is-

Non-existent.

When this entry is completed, I will summon our engineer, my Elster, to perform her final duty.

She is without a doubt the finest engineer in the whole galaxy, she made her cadre proud

And she is the finest woman; the most wonderful partner I could ever ask for.

If you find these logs, please bury us together. We promised each other we would never leave each other alone. Do not recycle Elster. She has more than earned this dignity, it is my sole and final request as an officer of the Eusan Navy.

The love we shared was real. Love motivated us, kept us going as far and as long as we did. Love will now end our journey, and serve as a beacon to all others.

This glory is ours.

This is Scout Officer Ariane Yeong, in Command of the Penrose-512.

Signing off.

Chapter Text

Revolution 1

I still can’t believe it.

I haven’t left the walls of the Penrose in eight years. The last time was climbing through the airlock and the doors closing behind me like a coffin.

But, by some miracle, we broke free.

I nearly lost my balance upon walking on grass and soil again. Poor Ellie, who’s never walked on anything but metal, her legs shook nearly endlessly as she struggled to keep upright!

She’s still out there right now, practicing walking around. Says she wants to get the feel down as quickly as possible.

But, Goddesses above, I don’t even know where to start! What do we do? Should we start building a shelter? Explore more? Look for edible flora and fauna?

It’s just going to be us here, Ellie already made sure of that.

I want to see if the cargo hold has any sleeping bags or tents, because I would love just this once to fall asleep with the starry night sky above me.

I wish mom could see this. Isa and Erika as well.

I’m gonna go out and be with Ellie before I turn into any more of a sobbing wreck. We can watch the sunset together.

A real sunset, not just the ones we’ve seen in movies.

Chapter Text

Cycle 1540

So, for the first time ever on this voyage, the first time ever in my life I think, something happened.

I set up my easel, put a fresh canvas on the stand, started dabbing my palette with colours, and then.

I had no idea what to paint.

I’ve painted dozens of landscapes, I’ve painted Ellie numerous times, and I even started painting extinct Vinetan animals like killer whales and elephants.

And I finally ran out of ideas!

I laughed, of course. It seems silly in hindsight, but, one of the reasons I even wanted to be on this mission was to have the freedom to paint and make art, only now it seems like I can’t do that!

Ellie came to check on me after a while and, bless her heart, she tried so hard to offer suggestions to get past my stupid artist’s block, including doing any kind of pose I wanted her to.

But, no, I don’t want to force anything through, it wouldn’t feel right, especially with some of my pigments starting to run low.

However, Elster did have one other idea that got me interested.

As it turns out, she’s been feeling inspired, so to speak, and has been trying out writing some short stories and poetry in her spare time. Just a few, so far, but they definitely felt like her when I took a look at them. She looked very relieved, probably really wanted to hear my approval but was a tad too anxious to share.

I feel you, Ellie.

She suggested maybe I could try a bit of writing, and after thinking about it, maybe I will.

Hmm.

“Looking back, it had all started with a single white glove.”

Chapter Text

Cycle 1211

Today was a relatively uneventful day.

Well, to be precise, uneventful in the context of there being no maintenance issues aboard the Penrose which required my attention aside from a single light fixture needing replacement.

But, also uneventful in that neither I, nor Ariane performed many activities this Cycle.

Except, no, that is not exactly true, either. I did not perform many activities, mainly because I was too preoccupied with watching Ariane sleep.

She was extraordinarily sleepy today. She awoke around 0730 hours as is the norm for her, got herself cleaned up, had breakfast, and then went back to bed to sleep for a few more hours. When she next awoke, she spent a short time drawing something in her sketchbook, and then played three rounds of Go with me (I won each game, Ariane swears that she will beat me one day, but it is not my fault my brain can process logic and mathematics much faster than hers) and then went back to sleep again, though, this time with my lap as the pillow (a consolation prize for not having won).

When she woke up again an hour later, I asked her if there was something wrong with her, trying to ascertain why she seemed so tired.

Ariane just said she was, ‘eepy’.

Eepy?

She shrugged and asked me to cuddle her, so I did. I will never say no to cuddling Ariane, and if her being ‘eepy’ means more cuddles.

Well, maybe it has its advantages.

Chapter Text

Cycle 3613

Well, we can chalk one more thing in our ship, our home, that has started to fall apart, our movies.

I’m a little surprised that the cassette player didn’t go out before they started to, but, maybe that is a tiny bit of mercy the world is providing for us.

Ellie and I tried to watch our favourite movie together not too long ago, and the tape has now degraded to the point where it is unwatchable. The colour and the focus had been flickering and garbled for a while now, but about halfway through the movie the cassette player stopped being able to read it, just giving us the veritable blue screen of death no matter how many times we rewound and fast-forwarded. Several other of our movies are approaching this point, so now we have to put serious discussion into rationing movie reruns just as we do food, water, and medicine.

I tried to not let it affect me, but, well I haven’t been doing a good job of that lately, have I? Lost track of how many times Ellie has held me warmly while I cried into her shoulder the past hundred or so Cycles. Every little thing sets me off, even something as simple as my ration reheating unevenly.

I guess like the rest of our home, I’m falling apart too.

I’m sorry you keep having to put us back together, Ellie.

I only hope I can make it up for you.

Chapter Text

Cycle 632

Something extraordinary happened today, or, last night, I guess it is technically Cycle 633 since it is past 0000 hours but just- I couldn’t wait to write about this.

What happened is I woke up in bed.

Now then, diary, you may ask, “Isn’t that a completely normal thing to happen, Ariane?” And you would be right.

But I did not fall asleep in my bed.

At least, I don’t remember falling asleep in my bed.

The last thing I remember was watching the stars from the flight deck. I like to just sit in there and gaze at times.

I’ve fallen asleep in the pilot’s seat many times, and almost always Elster eventually finds and wakes me up. She knows if I actually sleep a full night in one of those chairs it will seriously mess up my body, especially my back, so waking me up is a little courtesy, even if it always feels awkward to wake up someone sleeping so peacefully.

But since I woke up in bed.

I can only surmise that this time, Elster chose not to wake me up. She must have carried me to bed in such a careful way that I would not wake up. She even pulled the covers over me, though, she didn’t do anything about my clothes, if she did anything at all, this could just be me being forgetful and trying to rationalize it.

But I think she did.

She was asleep in her pod when I went to check on her, but through the semi-transparent glass on the cover, I think I saw the barest smile on her lips.

So, thank you, Elster.

That was very kind of you.

In fact, it was very human.

Chapter Text

Cycle 50??

Today was supposed to be my last day.

I had one of my last good rations remaining. I painted a small bird on a piece of scrap paper with some of the last bits of my blue and black paints. I took the last couple pills of hydrocodone so my body felt almost okay.

I sat in the flight deck at the flickering control panel ready to slowly de-pressurize and finally put an end to everything.

But I didn’t.

It’s not because I have hope. I have the opposite of hope, I have fully accepted that my death is imminent. If the ship itself doesn’t break down and kill me, I’ll soon run out of food, and water, and even if I survived both of those, the reactor has clearly done enough damage to my body to be fatal.

Ellie as well.

How much I have to depend on her now revolts me.

I’m so weak I can barely do any everyday tasks, I can barely get out of bed without her help.

She’s hurting so much as well but is just hiding it better than me.

And I can’t do anything for her.

Instead, I take more from her, I demand of her nearly every simple thing, whether it’s getting dressed or sitting up on the exam table.

Eventually, she will resent me, she’ll grow disgusted and hate me. I would.

That’s why I just want things to end. I want our last memories of each other to be of love and commitment, not pain and loathing.

But I couldn’t. Perhaps I am a coward, it feels like the only explanation.

I can’t look into her eyes anymore, because all I see is caring when all I expect is disgust.

Maybe tomorrow. How much longer can I really last, anyway?

Chapter Text

Cycle 702

Today, Elster saw me cry.

She's heard me cry in pain before, like when I broke my arm, or when I accidentally burned myself checking one of the reactor pipes.

And I did hurt myself, but I wasn’t crying because I was in pain. I cried because I hurt one of my friends, I thought I might have killed her.

My potted lily plant. I was in the mess hall and needed to move it and I tripped on something.

The glass shattered, a couple of shards tore through my hand, but all I could think about was the poor plant laying on the steel floor with her home scattered around her.

I tried to scoop up the soil with my undamaged hand, but the flower pot was broken too.

Isa gave me the bulb for that flower a long time ago.

It was like she was gone again.

But Elster came to the rescue.

She was more concerned about my hand, but she could tell what was more important to me. She quickly grabbed and empty mug and re-potted the lily in it, gathering the rest of the soil and putting it in another container.

Then she brought some tools from the medical bay and disinfected and sutured the cuts on my hand right there.

I've never seen her hands move so quickly.

Neither of us said a word the entire time until she was done.

She asked me if I was going to be okay.

I looked at my lily.

She said she could fix the pot and glass.

I believe her.

I thanked Elster, and for the first time ever, she didn't say, “There's no need for thanks, Officer Yeong.” She just nodded.

She gathered all the pieces and the flower and left, probably to her maintenance bay.

She'll fix it, she'll save her.

I'm glad you're on this voyage with me, Elster.

Chapter Text

Cycle 102

I was sitting down having a barbecue pork chow mein ration entrée when it hit me.

I’ve now sampled the entire menu provided to me on the Penrose. All six breakfasts, eight lunches, and eight dinners, plus each of the different snacks and other refreshments stocked aboard this ship.

This is all I’m going to be eating now for the next ten or so years! Until I either find a planet, or make it back home after the mission is finished.

And, well, while most of them are not-

-bad

I struggle to call any of them ‘Good’.

For one, the ‘tuna’ with the seared tuna tostadas isn’t actually tuna. Erika taught me the difference between real tuna and whatever the other fish is that people keep calling tuna because real tuna is incredibly expensive but people want tuna!

We didn’t get real maple syrup with the breakfast crepe either, but, nothing you can do about that because sugar maples are extinct. Just one more casualty of the Empire-Nation war.

I’ve already forgotten what real, fresh food tastes like. Hell, if I didn’t need to eat to live I might just stop, cause I don’t get much satisfaction out of any of this. They clearly tried to provide a varied menu and I’m genuinely surprised, but thirty-two different meals can only take you so far when they’re all you’re going to have for three-thousand Cycles.

The Replika aboard, I haven’t seen her eat yet, but, I do know Replika eat, and they seem to eat similar things to what we Gestalts do, but I’ve never seen her getting food from the ration storage.

Maybe I’ll ask her about it one day, no way we can spend the entire voyage not talking to each other outside of work duties.

If I had to say I missed one thing, it would be my mom’s sweet congee.

She never made it much, because sugar is a rarity on Rotfront, but it was always very special when we shared it.

Oh no.

I miss her.

I miss mom.

I wonder if it’s too late to send a transmission back saying hi.

Chapter Text

Cycle 842

Dear diary,

While we were eating together, Ariane asked me if I had ever ‘dreamed’.

I was not sure how to answer this question.

‘Dreaming’ is something that Gestalts do. Replika are not designed to dream.

And yet.

When I am powered off and resting in my maintenance pod, it is as if I do not exist.

The doors close, and immediately they open back up as my system reboots. All of the time spent within the pod passes by in what feels like an instant for me. There is no chance I could possibly have something like a dream.

But while I am awake, I occasionally have something like, glimpses?

Never more than a moment. For the longest time I considered them merely glitches in my ocular receptors.

But something about Ariane’s question.

“Have you ever dreamed?”

When I explained to her everything I wrote in this entry journal about Replika and how I sleep, she closed her eyes and smiled brightly, the kind of smile where you show off all of your teeth, the same kind of smile Ariane has been trying to teach me, and that I have been practicing in the mirror on my free time.

But, in that moment, Ariane suddenly looked different in a way that could not possibly be a glitch.

Her hair became brown, her teeth slightly whiter, cheeks a little rounder, and she wore a small, black and red cap.

And, I know this was not a glitch, because I had seen it before.

When I first awoke on the Penrose and met Ariane for the first time, she briefly appeared to me the same way, but only for a split second.

But I am almost certain it was the same image.

I took a pencil and paper and tried my best to sketch the face I saw to the best of my memory. I am no artist like Ariane, I cannot create a great work of art, I cannot be creative, or inspired, but I can replicate images in my neural processors to a high degree of accuracy.

I wanted to show Ariane the face I had drawn, but I did not.

Some unknown feeling deep within me compelled me to keep it a secret. A force I could not begin to understand, or comprehend.

We have a dictionary aboard the Penrose, and I spent a small amount of time after Ariane had retired for the night looking up every Gestalt emotion I could think of.

Fear.
Doubt.
Resentment.
Anger.
Agony.
Guilt.
Shame.

Hope.

I believe it to be best for now to keep these complex and unknown feelings to myself. I do not want to burden Ariane with unraveling my web of confusion when I should be the one trying to understand how exactly I feel.

But, maybe I will tell her.

One day.

Chapter Text

Cycle 3000

Ariane lied to me.

But, I think I know why.

And, I am okay with it.

Today was a special day for us. Cycle 3000 of our voyage through the stars, and just as we unsealed a communique left for us by the Nation at Cycle 1500, we have unsealed the second and last on this special occasion.

Ariane did not show me its contents. She said our search complete, and that we should turn back toward home where we will be greeted as heroes for our commitment and bravery.

I believe Ariane lied to me about this, but, it does not matter to me. In fact, I hardly think the instructions mattered to Ariane as well.

Diary, do you know what we did on this special day?

We danced.

I love dancing.

I, Elster, love dancing.

That I would ever express my admiration for a partnered activity in such a strong manner feels utterly at odds with how I started 3000 Cycles ago aboard this vessel. Who I was at that time feels so removed from who I am now that thinking back, were we even the same?

I have grown, I have matured, perhaps I have even evolved.

All thanks to Ariane.

She has, and I say this with a modicum of irony, ‘infected me’ with humanity.

Or perhaps I had it all along and simply needed someone to show me it was there.

While I was doing my daily check throughout the ship and its systems I came across something in the mess hall: another sealed communique. It was among a mess of papers on top of the table, I think Ariane had been going through the records looking for something and left it there by accident. The envelope said it contained classified Replika information, no doubt it was about me, and thus not for my eyes.

The Elster of 3000 Cycles ago would have left the envelope there without a second thought, but I-

-I was curious.

Especially because it had not been opened.

In reading its contents, I felt strangely at peace, which is entirely at odds with the actual instructions contained within the text, which took great strides to pressure the Gestalt Officer to dehumanize me as much as possible.

And yet, I was not angry, or upset, or scared, I felt strangely happy.

And I think I know why.

Maybe Ariane missed this dossier somehow.

Or maybe she saw that it contained information about me, and did not bother with it.

Because Ariane never treated me as a tool, as an automaton, a Replika. She always treated me as a fellow person from the very moment we met, where she introduced herself and asked me my name.

The name of the Replika model she was no doubt briefed about prior to take off, and yet, she still bothered to ask how she should address me.

Ariane always saw me as a person.

And I think she wanted to learn about me herself, not have some dossier explain me to her. That was what mattered to her, and I think that is why she never opened this document.

And that is why I do not mind that Ariane lied to me.

Wherever we are supposed to be going, whatever we are supposed to be doing, it does not matter to me, or to her.

Wherever Ariane is, that is where I belong, and where I want to be.

I love you, Ariane Yeong.

Chapter Text

Cycle 1512

I noticed something about Elster.

When we first met aboard the Penrose, right before takeoff, she was always one-hundred percent formal. Only ever called me ‘Gestalt Officer’ or ‘Ms. Yeong’ or some other formal title, was always deferential to me, never spoke without being spoken to.

And, she apologized A LOT.

Like, ALL OF THE TIME.

She has to move out of the way when I’m walking down a hallway? Apologises.

We try to get a drink of water at the same time? Apologises.

As one minute late finishing her repairs? Apologies.

Is just greeting me? Apologises first.

And this trend continued as we grew closer and closer together. She’d apologise if she didn’t find one of my stupid jokes funny, or when she forgot to add sweetener to my tea, and every single time she accidentally stepped on my feet when I was trying to teach her how to dance!

But as we grew closer together, and as we fell in love, that started to change.

Elster stopped apologising all of the time.

She still did it, but, she almost seemed to catch herself doing it. I’d see her blink and sometimes quickly shake her head when she apologised for something trivial.

And, I think I know why, because I used to feel the same.

Feel like a burden. Not wanting to be seen as a burden, not wanting to be thought of negatively for mistakes.

And it took me many years before Isa and Eri beat that habit out me and got me to accept that friendship wasn’t a burden.

And that love isn’t a burden either.

I think Elster is learning that.

Because.

Because after our fight, after we resolved things, she started apologising again, just as often as she used to.

But, I won’t push her.

Love conquered her doubt once before, I know it will do so again.

Chapter Text

Cycle 751

You know, more and more, I think Elster is becoming more-

Human?

That seems harsh to say, I suppose, and not to imply I ever personally saw Elster as less than a real person, but she has changed a lot in our exploration together.

She smiles! She frowns, she grumbles under her breath when a bolt is stuck in place, I even saw her pout the other morning when I told her the hot water kettle wasn’t working and she needed to fix it if she was going to have her favourite tea. She even sways her hips a bit when she walks now!

I will admit when we first departed, I didn’t really like Elster.

Ok, maybe that’s too harsh too, it was more like, I didn’t like how we were forced to be together on this mission, and at first, she was rather awkward in a mostly frustrating, but occasionally quirky way.

She was all about protocol, and tasks, and even uniform standards for awhile, and trust me, she saw me roll my eyes so hard they almost popped out, but thinking back on it, me being frustrated about that was really unfair., because she was literally programmed with all this stuff in her.

But also, in hindsight, I think maybe she was more worried at first that I would be the one enforcing all these rules and regulations, and she didn’t want to get in trouble from me.

After all, I am technically the ranking officer on this two-person mission.

So, once it got through to her that I was going to be rather, to borrow one of my favourite banned Imperial phrases, ‘laissez-faire’ about all this, she softened up really quick.

And I got to see a great example of that last night.

We were all done everything we needed to do that day, and Elster was reading one of my probably illegal books in the mess hall. I was painting in the cargo room, and I didn’t realize that I had asked Elster if she wanted to see what I made when I was done, and I didn’t finish until nearly the end of Cycle.

I felt bad for making her wait so long, but assumed she would just go back to sleep in her pod once it got too late, but no.

She was still sitting in her seat, but slumped over the table, sleeping on folded arms.

I didn’t know Elster could actually, well, sleep, I thought she had to use that pod.

I was reminded of the time Elster carried me to bed when I fell asleep in a similar situation, and I wanted to return the favour, but, well.

Elster is a combat technician Replika with a titanium reinforced frame, and I’m a tiny, one-hundred and seventy centimetre tall girl who continually neglects to do her mandated daily exercise in a low-G environment.

So, there was no way I was going to be able to haul her down to the maintenance room, let alone my own bed.

But I couldn’t just leave her there like that!

So, I got a spare blanket and draped it over her as much as I could, and took a spare pillow and as gently as possible lifted Elster’s head to slip it under.

I just hope that’s comfortable enough.

Maybe this wasn’t okay, but I actually just watched her sleep for a bit, she looked so peaceful. I wonder if she dreams?

I hope you sleep well, Elster, and uh, if you wake up with a cramp after sleeping in chair like that all night-

I promise I’ll actually try to do my exercises for next time.

Chapter Text

Cycle 620

I had an intriguing idea today, and I’m a little surprised I managed to pull it off.

I asked Elster for model for me for a sketch that I would paint later.

She sounded so confused for so long, asking if it was mission critical, if it was necessary for my health, if it would help with our mission in any way.

It seems to be really all she thinks about, the exploratory mission, and by extension, me, or, more specifically, my health and wellbeing.

Eventually, I straight up asked her, “Elster, what do you… do when you’re done your tasks for the day?”

She was confused by that too, asked me what I meant.

“Like, what do you do when you… have nothing to ‘do’, y’know?”

She thought about it for a moment and shrugged her shoulders. “I go back to my maintenance pod until I’m needed again.”

I couldn’t believe it! I asked her if she ever read; no, aside from service manuals and transmissions, if she ever played games, no, if she had any hobbies or interests at all!

And she asked me what a hobby even was!

AEON has really cooked Elster’s brain, haven’t they? It’s like they cut out absolutely everything that wasn’t directly related to her mission and said, “Good luck now.”

Unthinkable.

Well, I insisted Elster model for my sketch, and eventually, she acquiesced. Got her on a stool doing the classic ‘thinker’ pose, at least she knew what that meant when I asked her if she could do it, so it seems she either has some knowledge or memories of things that aren’t just about the Penrose mission.

She even took to the assignment very earnestly, despite my honesty that this was entirely superfluous fun. I asked her to look ‘extra contemplative’ and she went through a variety of facial expressions, asking me each time if that worked.

I will admit there were a couple of times I was a bit… taken aback by how handsome she could look when she didn’t have that monotone, blank expression she usually has… I almost asked if she could try smiling, but, I felt like I shouldn’t try pushing my luck, or whatever it was that got me to that point.

Maybe she decided to get into it because it was important to me? Maybe she actually enjoyed it and wants to see the painting when I finish it?

She asked if she ‘did a good job on her assignment’, and of course I told her she did marvelously, and then she said that if I needed her services again for something similar I need only ask.

Maybe later I’ll ask her to watch a movie with me.