Archive of Our Own ^beta

Chapter Text

Endgame section.

Jill is taking a bath in the Hideaway; she’s lucky today and gets one of the private rooms all to herself. She does most of her washing, until Clive slips quietly into the room. Jill crosses her arms.

“What are you doing here?” she teases.

Clive crouches down and playfully rests his head on the rim of the bathtub.

“I thought you might like some company.”

“Is that so?”

“At least I do.”

Clive inches forward, closing in for a kiss. She leans forward to meet his lips, and as he pulls away she decides to splash him. Oops. It was quite a lot of water, she realizes suddenly, and she brings her hand to cover her mouth.

Clive wipes the water from his face, with a laugh, and he assesses the front of his shirt.

“What to do,” he muses quietly, before meeting Jill’s eyes.

Impulsively, he lifts his shirt over his head and hangs it over a chair for it to dry. He stands up and moves behind Jill. He lays his hand on her back, beckoning her to scoot forward.

“Clive,” Jill giggles. “I don’t think you’re going to fit.”

Clive has already slid his trousers down and is stepping out of them and his boots.

“Save that line for bed,” he replies.

Jill blushes. Clive quickly busies himself trying to step inside the bathtub, and Jill is back to giggling, shuffling forward to let him take a seat snugly behind her with his legs sandwiching hers. He runs his fingers through her damp hair.

A knock falls at the door.

“Are you all right, Jill?” Tarja’s voice calls from the other side. “I saw Clive lurking up here and thought I would check in on you.”

“No, no. I’m fine. Thank you, Tarja,” Jill answers with a laugh.

“Good. I’m just going to come in and grab a tonic—”

Clive and Jill’s faces drop. Tarja enters quickly and stops short at the sight of the couple bathing together. Both Clive and Jill are frozen, unable to free themselves of Tarja’s gaze. She purses her lips and fetches what she was looking for.

“I really shouldn’t be surprised,” she mutters to herself.

She quickly retrieves a bottle from the shelf and exits. After the sound of her footsteps fade from the stairs, they share a quiet laugh and lean into each other. They sit in the peaceful bathwaters for a silent moment.

“Jill,” Clive begins quietly.

“Hm?”

“Do you… want children?”

“Yes.”

A pause.

“Do you?” Jill asks him.

“For years, I thought I didn’t. And then, when you came back into my life, I realized I always did.”

Jill smiles faintly. She leans her head back to look into his eyes.

“Then it’s settled,” she murmurs.

It was so simple. Clive lets out a relieved chuckle, and rests his head alongside hers.

“Should we get married then?” he asks.

“Yes. But the order of those don’t matter to me.”

“I see.”

“It’ll be a proper outlaw’s wedding.”

“Aye.”

About a week has passed since Clive, Joshua, and Dion have left, destroyed Origin and Ultima, and have not returned.

Jill finds herself dizzy and out of breath as she tries to help out around the Hideaway, and Otto has her go see Tarja in the infirmary. It doesn’t take very long for Tarja to make an assessment.

“You know you’re pregnant, right?”

Jill starts sinking.

“What?”

“Come on, Jill.”

A deep sadness falls over Jill, one she knew would always come. Tears begin to form in her eyes.

“I wasn’t sure. I thought maybe…” she barely makes out.

“Well you’re about eight to ten weeks along. When did you first think you might be with child? Did he know—”

Jill bows her head, hiding the tears streaming down her face. Tarja sits beside her gently.

“I never told him,” Jill says, crying. “I didn’t want to find out, and then burden Clive with this—”

“Never mind him,” Tarja grumbles. “It’s your child first.”

Jill settles down, makes her last few sniffles, and nods. She would see this through, even though it's not unfolding as she had hoped.

Chapter Text

Clive returns to the Hideaway, about a year later.

He greets everyone in the deck, eager to see him. He’s well, no longer with his sword, and his left hand bandaged up. After all the reunions, he looks up to the balcony of his room. Gav notices where Clive is looking. He lays a hand on his shoulder.

“There’s someone you should meet waiting in your chambers.”

“Is there?”

Clive looks back to his balcony. He meets Jill’s eyes and his heart almost stops. She’s far away but he can tell she has also lost her breath just now. She backs up and retreats back into his room.

Clive continues making the rounds, and eventually everyone lets him go, and he makes his way up the stairs to the door of his chambers. He stops at the door, hesitant. He doesn’t realize that Jill is just on the other side of the door, equally hesitant to swing it open and run into his arms.

“I don’t even know what I’m going to say to her,” he murmurs to himself, but Jill hears it.

“You don’t need to say anything,” Jill replies from the other side.

Clive looks up, startled. He reaches for the door handle, but Jill has beat him to opening it. They stare at each other for a beat. Jill is wearing just a simple dress tied around with a corset.

Clive enters, shuts the door behind him, and grabs her to kiss her. She holds his face in her hands and keeps kissing him back, letting her tears fall freely. Jill feels his partially petrified left hand.

“Your hand,” she says.

“It’s all right. Truly.”

Jill looks up into his eyes. They’re at peace.

Her body melts back into him and she weeps again.

“Clive, I thought you were gone. I saw Metia fade, and I fell apart. I was inconsolable, just like this,” she says between sobs.

Clive just holds her face and lays a kiss on her cheek.

“But it is really you, again. As always, you’ve come back to me.”

“I have.”

They kiss passionately again, and finally pull away after their moment.

“They all told me that there was someone in my chambers that I should meet; of course it was you,” Clive says.

Jill makes a coy smile.

“I don’t think they were talking about me,” she says.

“Then who?”

Jill is silent, making a smile.

A baby’s wail comes from the bed. Clive’s face drops, and he lets go of Jill, piecing it together. Jill holds her smile and walks over to the bed. She looks back at him to follow her.

Resting on the bed is an infant, waking up and in need of some attention.

Jill takes hold of her, hushing her gently. She looks back at Clive, who is still astounded.

Jill chuckles, “take your armor off and come say hello.”

He does as she says at once and takes a seat beside Jill.

“She’s ours, Clive,” Jill says to him. “It seems I was pregnant with her the last time I saw you—”

“Jill, I’m so sorry I wasn’t here for her, for you—”

“You didn’t know. And I wasn’t alone.”

Clive nods, thankful.

“How old is she?” he asks.

“Oh, in about five days it’ll be six months for you,” Jill says to their daughter, cradling her up and down.

“And, sorry, of course—what’s her name?”

“Oh. I… You might find this silly. When I had her, I thought I had lost everything: you, Joshua, my home. But when she looked at me that first day she came into this world, it was as if a piece of you had come back to life, reborn with her. It made me think of how you always kept that Phoenix feather close to you, no matter how far away Joshua was from us. So I decided to name her Phoenix.”

“I don’t think that’s silly; it’s beautiful, Jill. She’s beautiful. I hope she carries a little bit of Joshua with her too. Maybe a mischievous streak here or there.”

“Well she’s certainly going to eat her vegetables.”

They chuckle.

“Here, you hold her, so she can see you.”

Clive blushes, not sure he’s ready, but Jill adjusts his arms for him and tucks Phoenix gently between his right forearm and chest. Clive smiles, mesmerized.

“I see she’s got silver hair, so she’ll be a proper Northerner.”

“Yes, but she’s got your sapphire eyes.”

The baby Phoenix grows used to Clive and she lifts up her wandering hands.

“She likes to grab on to things, though I suppose your other fingers won’t do…”

“That’s all right.”

He lifts Phoenix closer to his face, where she paws aimlessly at his nose and chin.

The parents giggle.

A wave of emotion falls over Jill as she watches Phoenix and Clive together.

“I…” She tries to start.

Clive looks over and sees Jill’s eyes are wet.

“What’s wrong?” he asks.

“Nothing’s wrong. It’s… Founder, up until just now I thought I was going to do this all myself. And now, I realize that I get to share her with you, all the difficult and the lovely things about her.”

After some time playing with Phoenix, they put her to sleep for her afternoon nap, under Edda’s volunteered watch, and they make their way towards the Tub & Crown to continue greeting everyone and celebrating the return. Jill and Clive are pulled apart by various friends roping them into separate conversations.

Tarja takes the opportunity to lay a hand on Clive’s shoulder discreetly.

“You should come see me before you retire for the night,” she says.

Clive smiles reassuringly.

“I already said out on the deck, that I’m quite all right, really,” he replies. “Thank you for your concern, Tarja.”

Tarja’s face remains long. She leans in and says quietly,

“The concern is not for you, Clive.”

The smile drops from Clive’s face at once.

“Should we speak now?” he asks.

“It’s not that urgent. Just see me before the end of the night.”

At some point, Clive slips away from the impromptu festivities. He keeps a stein of ale in one hand to present the illusion that he is not retreating from the celebration, and will be back soon. He enters the infirmary, empty save for Tarja. She looks up, startled—unusual for her.

“Clive, good,” she says.

He nods and closes the door behind him. She gestures him to follow her to the back for a bit more privacy. She leans against a shelf and Clive takes a seat on one of the beds.

“Is this about Jill, or Phoenix? Are they all right?” he asks quickly.

“Yes. You don’t need to worry about them; they’re both in good health.”

“All right…” Clive replies, a bit confused. Tarja, perhaps the most collected and straightforward of the Hideaway’s residents, is on edge, and soberly.

“Clive, you should know that Jill’s pregnancy was very painful for her.”

Clive imagines all the possible ways Jill might experience pain and sets his ale down at once. He rests his elbows on his knees and prepares himself.

“The way the Curse took root in her body,” Tarja continues. “Jill’s womb struggled to expand and make room for the child. I… I feel that I should tell you that, on several occasions, I didn’t think it likely that Jill or your daughter would survive, and I urged her to consider terminating the pregnancy altogether. I didn’t want her to throw her life away like that.”

Clive looks up at Tarja. He’s crestfallen, but she doesn’t see anger in his eyes. She clears her throat and continues.

“But of course, Jill wouldn’t have it. She was determined to bring the child into the world or die trying. Clive, I’m not telling you this to make you feel sorry; we both know that Jill doesn’t want our pity. But, if Jill hadn’t fought so fiercely, if she had given in to my recommendation, your daughter wouldn’t be here. And it haunts me that I could have—” Tarja's voice starts to wobble with shame.

“You were trying to protect Jill, Tarja,” Clive says firmly. He can tell now that the healer is shaken by a possible life-ending decision. “I would never fault you for that. And, I can’t imagine Jill birthed Phoenix all by herself. Even if you were skeptical about her surviving at all, you were essential to bringing my daughter here, weren’t you.”

“Yes, I suppose so,” Tarja concedes. “As was Mid. Your daughter was born two months prematurely. Jill’s body couldn’t take it anymore, so Phoenix came early, and Mid built an incubator to ensure that the child would have a steady source of warmth and oxygen to survive.”

Clive can’t help crack a smile at Mid’s expectedly ingenious intervention.

“Did Jill sustain any injuries from the birth?” he then asks.

“Nothing she hasn’t recovered from,” Tarja answers. “But perhaps you’ll see for yourself later the several new scars she has earned herself.”

Clive returns to a grim stone gaze at the wall. It hurts to hear this, but he needs to know.

Tarja takes a breath and steps right in front of him, forcing his eyes up at hers.

“Clive, you two can be intimate with each other. But I’m telling you, I don’t think I could brave seeing that woman pregnant a second time, and I dare say you wouldn’t be able to either.”

Clive nods soberly.

“Understood,” he says. “Does Jill agree with you on this?”

“She told me as much,” Tarja sighs defeatedly. “But if it came to it, I wouldn’t put it past her to change her mind and fight me again.”

Clive is silent. He senses the fear in Tarja’s voice, and he takes a big gulp to swallow it down.

“What can we do to make this easier for her?” he asks.

Chapter Text

Clive watches Jill put Phoenix to sleep for the night, in her crib beside their own bed. Jill is beautiful, with a peaceful smile on her face and floating in her silken nightgown. It’s the short revealing one with edges of blue lace that Hortense had made for her, the one that Clive can’t deny that he fancies most. Jill must have picked it out for him tonight. He watches her as she tucks in the babe and slips into their own bed. Clive can’t help but wonder how in the world she had mustered the strength to overcome the horrors Tarja has just told him of, to now be nestled gently in their bed, glowing, and smiling at him, inviting him to join her.

Clive can’t refuse her, let alone his own carnal needs, and takes his place beside her. He holds her waist and places a few gentle kisses on her face, neck, and shoulder. She sighs, soothed. The sound of her satisfaction and her hands on his thighs moves him. His hands venture down, slipping under the hem of her gown, moving up her thighs, around her pelvis and her backside. Suddenly, his fingers run over rough patches of scar tissue he hasn’t felt before. He rests his fingers there, apprehensive, wanting to feel it more—

Jill grabs his wrists and pushes them away.

“Wait, Clive,” she says softly, suddenly tense. She looks him in the eyes.

“Tarja told me about the birth,” he blurts out.

Jill frowns. She looks… hurt, to Clive’s surprise.

“It’s all right,” he tries to reassure her. He moves his hands slowly back up her thighs, but she stops them again and tugs at the hem of her gown to cover her legs more. Clive withdraws from Jill, nervous at her sudden defensive behavior.

“What did she tell you?” she asks furtively.

“She told me it was painful, Jill.”

“Well I’m all right now.”

“I know you are.”

Jill searches his eyes, looking for something, but she’s not convinced and holds her frown.

It’s Clive’s turn to frown, baffled now.

“Jill, I’m not going to look at you differently.”

“I know that,” she snaps. “I just…”

She sniffles and starts blinking away tears forming in her eyes.

“Why are you afraid to show me?” Clive asks gently.

“Because I know you’re going to feel sorry, and I can’t take any more of that,” Jill cries. “Somehow, you’ll find a way to blame this on yourself, and I won’t let you do that. I chose this!”

Jill hiccups back a sob, and Phoenix awakes from her slumber, letting out a wail. Jill grumbles defeatedly and clumsily crawls over Clive to fetch her baby. She picks Phoenix up and cradles her close to her chest, rocking her.

“Oh I’m sorry I woke you, my love,” she whispers.

Clive crawls over the sheets and follows Jill to sit beside her and watch. Jill tries to put on a happier, calmer face, to steady Phoenix. She wails for another moment, and quiets down eventually. When her little eyelids start to droop, Clive says quietly,

“Thank you, Jill.”

“For what?”

“For starting a family for us. It’s what we’ve always wanted.”

Jill can’t help but make a small smile at that. She sets down Phoenix and tucks her back in now that she has fallen asleep. Clive moves aside to make room for Jill. She lies down quietly on her back and looks up at Clive, who still sits upright and is watching her with his warm eyes.

“You can look at my scars, Clive. I’m sorry, I overreacted.”

“It’s all right.”

“It’s just… you know how you can be sometimes.”

“I… don’t, it seems. It’s why I need you.”

They share a chuckle. Jill bends one knee, letting the hem of her nightgown fall up towards her hips. Clive meets her eyes briefly to ensure she will permit him to explore her. It’s all right. His fingers gently shift the silk up past her hips, exposing a scar that cuts across the front of her lower abdomen, where the womb would have been.

“There were some cuts between my legs too,” Jill says. “We tried that first, but had to resort to this in the end.”

“I see,” Clive says calmly. He has seen enough, and lies down himself, resting his head just next to that of his beloved. When she turns towards him, even just so slightly, her naked breast peeks out from behind the white silk. The predictable fool, Clive pulls the blue lace strap off her shoulder and baring her breast fully for him to seize as he leans in to kiss her. He can’t help himself.

Jill cups his face and brings him closer to her. She wants to wrap him around her. It’s as if she has almost forgotten how warm and comforting this bed can be. His labored breaths on her neck and gentle but firm grip around her waist remind her what it’s like to feel beautiful. Jill pulls up his shirt; she wants to be pressed up against his skin and take on his scent.

Clive takes his time refamiliarizing himself with the soft curvature of Jill’s lips using his. She purrs as her hands glide up and down his bare back. Now he truly feels as if he has made it home. He presses deeper into her to capture her tongue. She wraps one of her legs around his right hip and his hand seizes her thigh at once.

He notices that his hand creeps up closer towards her core…

“Will it hurt if I touch you?” he pulls his lips away and whispers.

Jill shakes her head with a smile, but as she watches Clive’s hand dip between her legs, suddenly she reaches for his wrist.

“Maybe, be a bit gentler.”

Clive holds her gaze with his patient eyes and nods. He’ll be kind with her tonight.

Chapter Text

Clive has settled back into life at the Hideaway for a few days now.

Clive passes by the mess hall and sees Jill, Phoenix and some of the other children playing with a few toys--Torgal lazily watching over them. He’s relieved to see Jill smiling and laughing. Phoenix also seems to enjoy the young company when she’s not clueless about the games they’re playing. Clive is content watching them from afar for a few moments, but Jill spots him. She smiles at him, beckoning him to come and join. He makes his way next to her. A few of the children say hello to “Cid” but quickly go back to ignoring him and trying to get Phoenix to giggle instead.

“It will be lovely for Phoenix to have some siblings,” Jill says sweetly.

A dark thought tugs at the back of Clive’s mind suddenly. He hopes she wasn’t suggesting what he thinks she was.

“Are these not her brothers and sisters?” Clive asks innocently.

“Yes, but you know what I mean. A brother or sister by blood, too.”

Clive’s face drops.

“Jill,” he says sternly.

Jill turns to him, and when she notices his grim demeanor, her smile also falls.

“What, did you have another talk with Tarja?” she scoffs.

“No, just the one.”

“She’s not in charge of my body—”

“No, of course not.”

Clive sees Jill’s face starting to tremble. She furrows her brow and wipes her eyes. She looks to Maeve behind the bar.

“Maeve, will you watch Phoenix for me? Just for a moment.”

“Of course, Jill,” Maeve answers, noticing her distress.

Jill walks briskly back to Clive’s chamber. He dutifully follows.

When they make it back to the room and Clive shuts the door behind them, Jill spins around furiously.

“I birthed her, Clive. I did it. Yes, it was painful, but it was worth it, and I would endure it again.”

“But I won’t. I don’t think I could bear watching you go through—”

Clive stops as he sees Jill spot something on the shelf behind his desk. It’s a small glass bottle of some viscuous liquid. She hastens to it, and she narrows her eyes while reading the label closely.

“What is this?” Jill demands, turning around, holding the bottle up.

“Jill…” Clive cautions.

“Tarja gave this to you, didn’t she?”

“Who else, Jill?”

Jill purses her lips and storms out the room.

“Jill, I agreed to it!” Clive calls out after her.

The woman is fast when she’s upset. Clive avoids running to make even more of a scene and attract the attention of everyone else. After all these years he still finds himself woefully embarrassed when his personal life is thrown into the spotlight and all eyes are on him. He looks over to see Maeve holding Phoenix gingerly. She nods to him reassuringly. She’s got Phoenix.

As Clive approaches the entrance to the infirmary, he can hear Jill.

“You think I wouldn’t know what this is?!” she shouts at Tarja, holding up the bottle in her face. “You think I wouldn’t notice you giving him a spermicide?”

Clive enters the open doorway quietly. If Jill notices him, she pays him no mind. Tarja’s back is to him. Her arms are crossed.

Jill thrusts the bottle of liquid back into Tarja’s arms and adds,

“It’s our decision if we want more children or not!”

Tarja stumbles and almost drops the bottle.

“How dare you insert yourself into our affairs like this—” Jill says, until—

Tarja slaps Jill hard across the face. Jill falls silent, stunned. Her hand goes to hold her face.

Clive freezes, also stunned. But, Jill seems all right.

“Pull yourself together!” Tarja snaps back. “Barging in here like this when there are people here trying to rest.”

Tarja points her finger in Jill’s face.

“Don’t try and tell me that your pregnancy wasn’t absolutely terrifyingly painful, for all of us—for me, for Rodrigue, for Mid, and especially for you.”

Jill’s eyes wander over to Clive. She’s still stunned, and is not going to dare interrupt Tarja.

“Do you think everything’s suddenly going to get easier now that he’s back?” she sneers.

Tarja almost slams the bottle of spermicide onto the table.

“He took this from me because he cares about you. Maybe you no longer care about my advice, and that’s fine. I will always be sorry for doubting the strength of you and your daughter. But I heard you. Every time you were in here for weeks because it was so painful, I heard you crying out Clive’s name, so desperately wishing he could be here next to you.”

Jill’s eyes fall to the floor, unable to face Clive, watching her. He’s not quite prepared to hear this either.

Tarja continues, “Well now he is back, to share a life with you, and if you care about him at all, you’ll not put him through that. It was excruciating for us to almost lose you, so it would be…”

Tarja huffs, running out of breaths and chastising words. She shakes her head in exasperation, and then she spots Clive standing in the doorway. She jumps. He has just heard everything, hasn’t he?

“Clive, I…” she stammers, mortified.

“It’s all right,” Clive says quietly. “I’m sorry we interrupted your day like this.”

“No, I’m sorry, for everything,” Jill croaks, while clearing her throat and lifting her face up at last. “I’m clearly delusional.”

She starts to head for the doorway and go around Clive, but he steps to the side to intercept her. Jill brings her teary eyes up to his, embarrassed. He takes a gentle hold of her hand. They’ll go back together. Clive casts Tarja a reassuring glance. He’ll have a talk with Jill.

Clive and Jill sat quietly on their bed, with about a foot of distance between them. Clive wasn’t sure if Jill was still upset so elected to give her some space.

She took a deep breath and said,

“I want to do this, for you, too. Don’t you want more children?”

Desperate tears form behind Jill’s eyes. She looks to his anyway, to face him head on. Clive knows, painfully, that Jill would do anything to make his wishes come true. So he says firmly,

“No. I do not.”

Jill’s face crumples a bit, hurt by this answer she didn’t expect.

“That’s not true; you’re lying. You’re just saying that.”

Perhaps in the past this would have been a lie, but it was the truth now.

“Jill, I don’t want children if that means I might lose you. If you’re so fed up with seeing me feeling sorry, then imagine what I’ll be like if you get pregnant again.”

Jill makes a deep frown to restrain a sob from escaping her.

“It isn’t fair!” she cries at last.

“I don’t fucking care what’s fair anymore. We spent over six years trying to make this world fair, and now I’m done with that. Now all I want is you. Don’t you get it, Jill?”

Jill says nothing, not fully ready to give this up.

“Do you want a second child so terribly?” Clive asks, honestly.

“I… it’s not because Phoenix isn’t enough—”

“Of course not.”

“It’s just… ever since you came back, everything seemed possible again.”

A brief smile crosses Jill’s face.

“I started to think that maybe I could have everything I always wanted,” she goes on. “Including a big family, with you. I wanted to have that moment, when I would learn that I’m carrying a life inside me, and I would get to tell you, and see how you’d react. Maybe you’d sweep me off my feet and swing me around, I don’t know.”

Clive lets out a shy smile, picturing just that.

Jill continues, “You’d start to notice my belly swelling and you’d hold me the way you always do. You’d get to rest your hand over me and feel the first heartbeat or kick. And you’d be there to hear its first cry in the world. You’d pick our babe up and hand him or her to me, and it’d be…”

Jill sighs at last. It is a relief to get those thoughts out. In a way she is sharing these moments with Clive.

“I promise I’ll find another way to make you happy, Jill, to make all three of us happy,” Clive says quietly. “Even if it’s not what you envisioned at first.”

“I don’t doubt that,” Jill replies. She reaches for his hand. “Because… I’ll be there with you.”