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Chapter Text

Akutagawa coughed out bloody saliva as he ran, carrying the majority of the weight of a limping and very frightened Gin. The occasional glances he snuck at Gin only retold the massacre they’ve just witnessed a few hours prior.

The Port Mafia, getting so enraged by a bunch of kids within the corridors of the Slums? The kids who saw each other get hurt by others and even by their own bodies, who clearly didn't want the host to suffer. 

Nonetheless, with a lightweight sister clinging to his side and a promise he swore his life to fulfil, Akutagawa ran through the night like a wolf. 

Like a wild dog and less than a boy.

A fourteen year old boy.

What type of childhood did those mafia men have? Because if he were one of them, Akutagawa wouldn’t have indulged the agony of a child that he himself has also suffered.

Akutagawa was fourteen when he learned that the only place he could be considered a normal child would be in a place of misery. His past infected him, he can’t go back to the child he used to be.

No. 

He was never a child. He was always simply feral.

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Someone once told him that trust is the worst mistake man can make, and how the act of trust can differentiate life from death. 

Trust in itself had very specific requirements, Akutagawa’s was no different. He trusted Gin after helping him stabilise in his worst moments, the only hand he held onto and the only hand that ties to his origins. Despite thinking otherwise, Gin was his first saviour. 

But Gin wasn't just his one safespace. He found himself immersed in mental, emotional, and physical misery the moment she was away from his field of vision. 

In those days his body would ache and twitch from past training, and all of the sudden his body would shrink, his vision paled; and then, Akutagawa was in the past. Stuck with the same clueless and feral mindset engraved on him from the slums. He felt like the boy he was in the slums, frail, afraid, and with the one goal of survival. 

Upon noticing those feelings, Akutagawa learnt to hide. He began hiding in cramped spaces between crates and boxes, or the small areas between a wall and a door. Then it was closets. Even when Dazai left, the habit of hiding away didn't quite subside. 

In fact, it worsened; he began hiding in the closet in Chuuya’s office. 

Chuuya was a…particular man. He was the only person who had the guts to curse out Dazai’s behaviour, and Akutagawa was always surprised to see him use those guts in his defence. Without his permission, Chuuya became a null space for Akutagawa’s aches. A space where he actually felt protected, a space where not even Dazai could intervene like he used to.

But of course, Akutagawa could never ask his superior to ensure his physical comfort. Because when Akutagawa wasn’t a rabid dog, he was a lone dog. And even though Chuuya liked dogs, he knew he couldn't face him in such vulnerable state. 

Today was rough, the mission was rough, waking up was near impossible. His chest ached, but not due to his lung condition, it stung like bee sting across his entire torso. Akutagawa still didn't understand why Dazai still took him on missions, and frankly, he might never understand that, but what he desperately wishes to know is why he had to go with the Weretiger. Akutagawa didn't like Atsushi, Atsushi didn't like Akutagawa, they cannot balance something that can never be, and fights were inevitable. Akutagawa would've thought that Dazai would have seen it by now, but he grew used to them. Akutagawa too.

Or atleast, he thought he was accustomed to them. 

On their way back to the mission, just before Dazai arrived to pick up the files they retrieved, they fought again. It was not unusual for them to fight, Akutagawa thought nothing of it; but then, it became everything he was thinking about. Atsushi was talking- no, borderline yelling at Akutagawa. Words he began to mix up, he felt the bees sting his chest once more. His vision grew blurry, pale, and while Atsushi’s jumbled yelling swirled his mind, his muscles screamed at him to get away, before he hurts you. 

He hadn't noticed when his words became ringing, but by the time things went silent, Atsushi’s tense and angry expression softened, looking at him like the cat he just ran over. If Akutagawa didn't know better, he would've thought that Atsushi was almost worried.

“Akutagawa?” He flinched, ever so slightly. Atsushi must've noticed, since he lifted his hand slowly. 

Panic. Panic. Panic. Run. run. Run. 

“I need to go.”

Akitagawa coughed into his hand and began walking past the Weretiger until those yapping meows of his became nothing. He wouldn't be able to focus with his ears even if he wanted to. He was too busy making sure one foot moved in front of the other as fast as he could.

This was bad. This was really bad. His eyes teared in front of the Weretiger. Akutagawa didn't even know he had any tears left.

He grimaced as he swallowed a lump in his throat. It hurt. It hurt so bad, and he didn't know why.

He felt vulnerable. 

Without processing the fact he arrived at the Port Mafia already, Akutagawa found himself sneaking into Chuuya’s empty office and going to hide in the closet he liked so much. 

The closet was an orangish brown like leather, and was smooth and shiny. Akutagawa sat down on the bottom of the closet, underneath some extra coats and his feet by a pair of boots. He closed the door, the only source of light behind four thin lines carved into the wood. It was perfect , and yet, the ache did not subside. In fact, it only grew worse.

Akutagawa let go of the bite he held on his lips, tasting the iron blood he was so used to. Curling his knees tighter to his chest, his arms huddled tightly on his chest, he lowered his head until his forehead touched his knees. 

Then and only then, Akutagawa let small sobs out of his throat. His teeth found his index finger as he began to nibble and bite into it, sometimes letting it linger in his mouth, as he sniffled and whimpered and wheezed into himself. 

The aftermath of the mission was coming all at once; his socks and coat wet from sea water, white shirt covered in dirt, and gods everything was itchy and so suffocating, even the fluffy collar he wore everyday was choking him. His other hand gripped his hair and tugged, his teeth sunk harder into his finger, every muscle and tendon waiting in agony for this to end. 

“Is there someone there?”

He stilled, not daring to move even the slightest bit, as Chuuya’s booted footsteps moved closer and farther around the carpeted floors. Akutagawa held his breath, sweat dripping down his face. 

Or was it tears? He didn't know.

His lungs ultimately betrayed him, not even giving him a warning before he lurched forwards. His hand gripped his jaw and the other his collar as he coughed wetly into his palm. He felt saliva drip from his lip and his brain pulsing behind his eyes, his shut eyes only tightened as a sharp pain sliced his head. He couldn't breathe-  

A sudden pressure held his back, rubbing in circles, and somehow, his lungs seemed to react ever so slightly to the soothing motions. Another grip gently lowered the hand that he was using to grip his scalp. Akutagawa looked up to look at whatever or whoever was assisting his meltdown, but before he could, he lurched again; this time with a sob that he couldn't keep quiet any longer. 

Limbs wrapped around his hunched form, and Akutagawa found himself clinging to that touch, oh so desperate for the gentle touch. He flinched as something- probably a hand, landed on his hair and began petting, which only made him softer as he leaned into the touch. 

Soon enough, his lungs caught up with the pacing of the person’s touch, and even though his breathing still hitched, he managed to rub his blurry eyes to take a look at whoever was holding him.

He saw orange hair, and heterochromatic blue and brown eyes.

Akutagawa quickly detached himself backwards.

‘It was Chuuya. Chuuya actually caught him.’

“Akutagawa? What's wrong? You okay?”

Even though Chuuya’s voice wasn't rough, Akutagawa found it hard to listen. Chuuya got on his knees and shuffled a little closer.

“Kid, you're alright. You recognise me?” 

Akutagawa nodded, confused. That seemed to please Chuuya as shown by his little smile.

“Good. Do you feel like talkin’?”

He shook his head no, sniffling, but not as scared as before. 

“Can I touch you?”

Akutagawa’s eyes widened. No one had ever asked him that, he never had a say whether someone were to touch him or hurt him, the fact Chuuya asked was surreal. He nodded.

Chuuya seemed a little puzzled, but he moved closer with a hand outstretched. Akutagawa shut his eyes, embracing for impact, but it never came. Instead, there was a hand cradling his cheek, a fleshy and warm hand, a human hand. When Akutagawa opened his eyes again, he didn't see someone who was looking at him pathetically. Instead, he saw something akin to a mother cat. 

The redhead took a glance at his watch, then looked back at Akutagawa. “It's gettin’ late, and you're all dirty. Gin isn't home yet, is she?”

Another no. 

“I see. Alright then, can ya’ stand?” Chuuya stood up with an extended hand. Akutagawa shrugged in confusion. “I’m takin’ ya home, you can't be alone in this state, someone gotta look out for ya’. 

Akutagawa made a small noise of realisation. 

‘Wait… Chuuya’s taking me home?’

“No time to overthink, we gotta head home before it's too late.”

Akutagawa looked over at Chuuya’s hand. Akutagawa was so used to seeing hands that were used against him, that seeing Chuuya’s hand, a hand that was extended for him to reach, made his already fuzzy head feel softer.

He hesitantly grabbed hold of Chuuya’s hand with his own, and before his wobbly legs could struggle holding him up, Chuuya’s gravity ability recognized that first. His body felt light, like he could drift away from the ground any moment. The rare times he’d experienced Chuuya’s ability, never once had they amazed him the way it was doing now. Tingling ran across his shoulders and neck as he flapped his hands slightly, even Chuuya’s confusion was no match to Akutagawa’s sudden change in attitude as he smiled slightly. 

There weren't many people around as they exited the building, which was good, since Chuuya was certain Akutagawa could handle being seen after such distress. They walked together, Chuuya ahead as the guide, and Akutagawa walking behind him with the support of For the Tainted Sorrow and holding Chuuya’s index finger. Chuuya recalled the times he went over to the Akutagawa’s apartment, whether it be guiding one of the two back or going towards them, he couldn't help but feel tender. Whenever he turned around, he was met with Akutagawa’s glassy and timid eyes. He looked so meek and small under the large black coat. Like a lost child. 

Akutagawa clumsily passed his keys upon arriving and they both entered. He crouched down to remove his shoes but was stopped by Akutagawa tugging his finger. He looked up.

“Hmm? Somethin’ wrong?” He asked, but was met by silence and a hidden pout. It was weird to see the Port Mafia’s rabid dog acting this way, but it didn't bother Chuuya, and Akutagawa knew that too. Chuuya helped Akutagawa sit on the ground as he undid both of their shoes (Akutagawa tried to undo them himself, but couldn't). He squatted. 

“Lets get ya’ cleaned up?” He asked, more like a statement, looking at Akutagawa for a sign that he heard what he said. However, Akutagawa’s response was something he didn't think he’d ever heard; although silent and mumbled out, Chuuya made out the words ``pick up”. 

He blinked, tilting his head. “Want me to pick ya’ up?” And even though the younger male did not reply, his averting gaze from the floor to Chuuya pretty much confirmed it. So, Chuuya stood up, using his ability to lift Akutagawa and hold him, chests touching each other and legs and arms wrapped around Chuuya. Akutagawa was already light enough, so he didn't need his ability to carry him to the bathroom down the hall. 

He’s carried Akutagawa in his arms before, but never like this, with such steadiness. 

He settled the boy on the lowered toilet lid and began slowly undressing Akutagawa once given his permission with a nod. Akutagawa was hesitant, maybe even afraid, but he trusted Chuuya. Chuuya always made sure to tell him what he’s gonna do, like “I'm gonna undo the buttons” or “I'm taking off your socks”. Soon enough, Akutagawa was lifted and slowly let down in a tub he didn't see Chuuya fill. 

He wasn't dizzy, but he did feel off .

Chuuya scrubbed the dirt out of his hair and body as Akutagawa seemed to doze off. He looked so at ease, it was almost unsettling. The common Akutagawa never let his guard down like this. 

Once he was done and out the tub, Akutagawa was carried into his room, where he watched as Chuuya dressed him in an oversized long sleeved shirt and pyjama pants. Chuuya looked over at Akutagawa, with sleeves too long and eyes droopy and groggy, and found a smile tugging the corners of his mouth. 

He was almost acting like a little kid. 

“Alright. Now, let's get some food in ya’, okay?” He said with a soft tone. Akutagawa was chewing on his sleeve- probably subconsciously. “Have any requests?”

“-k…”

“What was that, Akutagawa?”

“...M’lk…” 

Chuuya hummed. Akutagawa’s voice was higher pitched than usual, and was so very soft it was almost tangible, which was still very different from his usual aggressive and cold voice. Nonetheless, he ruffled Akutagawa’s hair as he picked him up once again.

“I'll make some noodles, ya’ need something more rich in your stomach, and the milk comes after.” He felt Akutagawa nod as he walked over to the kitchen, which was connected to the living room. He set Akutagawa on the couch and draped the blanket from the corner onto his lap. He also grabbed the remote and turned on the TV. 

“I'll be making the noodles. I'll be fast, but for now, can ya’ pick somethin’ for us to watch while we eat?” 

Akutagawa glanced at the TV then at him, nodding slowly. Chuuya couldn't help but ruffle his hair again.

“That's my boy. Stay here, I'll be back before you know it.”

The screen was bright compared to the dark night sky, so as he scrolled down to the colourful kids shows, Akutagawa found himself dozing until he was laying on his side while holding the blanket under his chin. It was so soft and so warm, and Akutagawa felt like he was floating as he slowly drifted off.

His hair was pulled up and forcing him to his knees as he looked up to his mentor. Something sharp was pressed under his chin, he felt it touch his neck.

“Talk, Akutagawa.” Dazai demanded. Akutagawa tried, but no matter how hard, he said nothing. The only noise Dazai was replied with was a wet sounding cough caused by a kick to the ribs earlier. 

Dazai’s grip only tightened, causing him to let out a small hiss. 

“You want to be extra useless today, huh? So much so that you refuse to answer when asked?” Dazai spat. “Pathetic. Dogs that act like this get put down, youknow?”

“You're so weak that you resigned to the slaughter? With the way you’re acting, you're only a paperweight to a bird who wishes to fly. You're worse than a bother, you're pitiful.”

“People this weak don't deserve to live.”

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Chuuya swore he wasn’t gone for long, but as he turned around with two bowls of noodles, he caught the soft cries that came from where Akutagawa was supposedly sitting. 

He left the food by the counter as he slowly approached the couch, until he finally caught on from where the noise was coming from. Akutagawa was laying in a fetal position, and even wrapped in the soft grey blanket he was trembling, small and muffled cries emitting from a small opening. 

Chuuya frowned, worry already coursing his veins.

“Kid?” He attempted to touch the shaking blanket body, which recoiled with a flinch so harsh and sudden it even made Chuuya retract his hand. That didn't stop him though, as he began rubbing circles on the blanketed boy, a familiar gesture that managed to get Akutagawa to peek his head from under the cover. His eyes were darkened and red, wet with tears, and so was his nose. His eyebrows were furrowed with a look that only tore Chuuya’s heart. He looked so afraid , Chuuya almost wanted to panic himself. He took a deep breath, using a handkerchief from his jacket pocket to wipe away the moisture from the male’s face. Akutagawa launched himself into Chuuya’s chest, and Chuuya wasted no time holding him back and rocking back and forth while muttering small words of comfort. 

Chuuya never quite took into consideration how small Akutagawa actually was. Apart from his height, he was clearly not at a healthy weight. He recalled that Akutagawa’s condition caused him to get nauseous easily, and that “if the slums ever taught me anything, it's to never eat while nauseous.” Old habits don't just leave so easily, despite Chuuya and Gin’s attempts to create healthier routines for the male, and that certainly wasn't made easier thanks to Dazai. Though Chuuya didn't think that deeply about it until now, and it hurt seeing the younger one with such conditions. 

Chuuya hated that he was overly caring sometimes. If he latches onto a person, he’d put way too much trust and loyalty onto them. Should they meet the requirements, and should Chuuya’s heart latch on, any bad occurrence crushes him emotionally. He felt that way like a friend or partner would, but he never felt that way like a superior, like an upperclassman, like an older brother.

But then he realised that, when it came to Akutagawa, he saw a child with the trauma of an adult, and although it wasn't his business, he swore to not let more curses reach him. If he saw an abandoned puppy on the side of the road, he'd take it in without a second thought and spoil it and keep it happy. 

He wanted to subconsciously protect Akutagawa. But he couldn't, he can't , and that fact hurts more than it should. 

Despite all that he didn't do, all those years standing off to the side, Akutagawa was hugging him , an act someone like him would never do. Yet here he was, softly snoring with his head resting on Chuuya’s shoulder, a shirt too big for his thin body, and Chuuya was the catalyst for that behaviour. 

The mafia had very unhealthy ways to deal with their troubles. But even so, the small flicker of hope that Akutagawa can cope in humane ways makes Chuuya feel proud. 

He has a lot to explain to Akutagawa the next time they meet, but for now, he’ll let the boy sleep as he watches a nature documentary. 

Chapter Text

The first thing his body recognized was his lungs. His sore lungs, probably raw from coughing. Akutagawa didn't figure that out until he noticed the note on his bedside table. 

He doesn't remember getting home, much less tucking himself into bed, which was quite alarming. The first thing he did was sit up and check his windows and doors, any signs of a break-in, but found nothing. All he found was two empty bowls and a cup with milk residue in the sink. Akutagawa never really ate much, but the realisation didn't hit his mind until a few seconds later. 

He stormed back into his room where he found the note- addressed to him in black pen, the handwriting all too familiar at this point. 

“Sorry I had to leave you alone, but I've been called in early today. I stayed in for the night by the way, not on purpose either. 

I'll be coming by this week to check up on you. You were quite distraught, and acting quite different than normal. I might know what’s happening, but I'd like to check in with you before anything.

P.S. I carried you over to your room, just in case you were confused.

-Chuuya Nakahara”

As he read, the recollection of last night struck him; Chuuya watched over him, Akutagawa cried in his arms, he was acting childishly pathetic in front of the executive. 

His hands tightened around the paper until he noticed that they were shaking. 

He thought he swore not to let emotions get in the way of his duty, if a mafioso cried because they couldn't handle a simple task, they were not worthy of the position. This world is survival of the fittest, so grimacing over scrapes and wounds was nothing but a waste of time. That's how he was taught, he learnt to use everything he had at his disposal and not let pain disrupt him, because if he swallowed down the pain, he would live to lick at his wounds like the dog he was. Dazai told him so anyway.

But Dazai has the agency now, and Akutagawa?

He didn't have anyone to keep him in line anymore.

No. he hasn't had one for a while now. 

So what was Chuuya doing? Licking his wounds for him because he's too incapable of doing it himself? Is he just here to take pity on him, to mock him? Or is he just the same old scapegoat that Chuuya saw when he was younger? He was an adult, he was twenty , he didn't need to be looked after because he was already supposed to watch over himself! He was raised that way since being reborn, if he couldn't do so now, it only meant that all those years of torment were for nothing. 

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The infirmary was where Chuuya first met Dazai’s new protege. 

Coming back from a small stealth mission, Chuuya had to retrieve certain files from an underground information storage in Suribachi City, and came back with some papers and some torn medical files, of which he had to return to the boss. 

His office was empty though, Elise was unsupervised while drawing a pretty grotesque drawing of Dazai and what seemed to be a bloody child. When he asked, she said that “Rintarou is in the medical ward”, and said something about giving exams to a new specimen. 

Totally not unnerving. Yup. 

Nonetheless, when he arrived, he began hearing the sound of clattering metal and cracking glass, slowly growing more audible the closer he got to the examination room. Once he got there, he managed to assess the situation; Dazai was manhandling this young child- probably ten years old, holding him aggressively on the examination table as the poor quid squirmed and hissed like a feral animal. Mori was simply watching the scene with a smirk and a syringe in hand, slowly approaching both of them. 

“Oh, Chuuya.” Mori smiled upon noticing his arrival. “Pardon the ruckus. I assume you have the files I've asked for?”

“Yes…?” Chuuya placed them on the desk by the opposite side. He smacked his lips. “What is happening?”

“It's just how it appears. Dazai found this young boy to take under his mentorship, however, he's very feeble.” Chuuya glanced over, and truly, he was right. The boy was skinny and bruised all over, pale as though he was sick, everything about him was sickly and sharp. “You see, he’s from the slums, and although he was able to take out plenty of our assets, I wish to run a few tests before allowing his training to begin. He's never had any of his shots in any of his fourteen years, but it seems he isn't too pleased about my solution…”

Dazai groaned loudly, angrily telling the boy to stay still with no result. Chuuya blinked. 

‘He’s fourteen? Damn, he's so small he really doesn't look his age.’

“Chuu-ya!” Dazai whined annoyingly. “Take over? He keeps scratching at my bandages and it's getting on my nerves!”

“Hell no, you took him in, not me.”

“Cmon, my dog. Your gravity power might keep him still long enough, no? Or are you self conscious that you can't overpower this kid.”

Chuuya felt a vein pop. “Fine, but you owe me.”

Dazai let go once Chuuya had his grip on the kid, and as he applied his gravity, he noticed how he could feel the kid’s bones even through his gloves, as well as his ribs as he wheezed in panic. 

Breathing through his stomach as though his lungs were in pain. 

In. out. 

Chuuya didn't miss the puppy-like whimper as Mori injected him with the needle. He also didn't miss his own hiss either. 

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Chuuya was being ignored.

Being ignored was nothing less than a personal offence to an executive such as himself. Others held so much regard for him, so why is it selfish to request a few minutes of attention? 

Over time, he learnt to control his temper, resigning the aggression to something more serious, more tame than a tantrum. But in this situation, Chuuya was pissed . 

Akutagawa thought he was being subtle, but Chuuya is not oblivious. He wouldn’t just pretend how Akutagawa flinched at sudden noises a lot more than before, nor the way he avoided eye contact with him now. He couldn’t bear it, it pained him in more ways than one; because Akutagawa was acting strong when he's clearly at his limit.

It was like that back then as well, Akutagawa going to train for hours or even days on end with barely no energy. He was actually hospitalised once for that, his body didn’t have the strength to heal rapidly, much to Dazai’s dismay.

It wasn’t his fault, Chuuya knew that, but he wasn’t going to beat around the bush, he was a man of action. And if Akutagawa was willing to listen, he was one too.

He was mindlessly outside, leaning against some building- probably a bookstore, when he caught sight of the young mafioso walking his way. At Least he didn't ignore his text to come meet him. 

“I'm sorry for the delay, Chuuya-san.” Akutagawa adjusted his sleeve. “What is it that you wanted to speak with me?

Akutagawa was stiff, Chuuya could tell, with the ways his shoulders twitched and how he constantly averted his eyes to where his hands kept fidgeting with his coat’s buttons. He cut to the chase.

“What’s goin’ on with you?”

Akutagawa flinched at his words and Chuuya cursed to himself; ‘Damn, I phrased it wrong .’

“...Nothing is wrong, I'm not sure what you're-”

“We both know what I’m talkin’ about, Akutagawa.” He interrupted, earning another jump from Akutagawa. He never flinches like that, so even though he kind of expected it, Chuuya was surprised. 

Akutagawa slowly began slouching, arms hiding in his chest- it's a pose he’d seen before; Akutagawa was making himself smaller, he felt threatened. 

“I- I don't- No, that was just a- it was just a bad night, Chuuya-san, it didn't mean anything-” The younger male’s defensive tone slowly became rapid murmurs, silent enough that Chuuya had to lean in to hear. “I'm not weak- I'm not- It was just- T-that wasn't me I- I promise it won't happen again please-”

Akutagawa’s breathing became laboured, quickening in a panic, and Chuuya could tell. The fingers he was biting began to bleed, and without his acknowledgement, Chuuya managed to pry them away gently. A hand on his shoulder, Chuuya began to soothe the boy.

His breathing was unsteady, but he had at least managed to pry away a meltdown for now, leaving only dribbly eyes and small whimpers. Chuuya managed to get the mafioso steady on his feet, dragging him in a different direction.

He could tell Akutagawa was spacing out on their walk to Chuuya’s place, but he paid no mind, shielding the boy with an arm around his upper torso and occasionally rubbing his back until they made it. Chuuya unlocked the door as he led Akutagawa to the (fancy) living room, sitting him down. 

Chuuya squatted in front of Akutagawa, who was still uneasy and anxious, poking his knee to get his attention.

“Hey, my boy.” He smiled, causing a small tug at Akutagawa’s lips. His heart swelled. “I think I might know why you felt the way you did.”

Akutagawa tilted his head, until his eyes grew more tears as he switched to shaking his head in disagreement. He opened his mouth to retaliate, but Chuuya patted his shoulder. 

“Tell me; do you know what ‘age regression’ is?” When Akutagawa gave him a puzzled look, Chuuya continued. “I didn't know it either until I researched it, but I wanted to confirm with ya’. When you have one of these… episodes, do you feel mentally younger? Like your head is filled with clouds?”

“I- I think I can match those descriptions…”

“It's a coping mechanism, apparently, and it relieves stress by having your mental or emotional state reversed to that of a younger child.”

“I-I cant be doing that though!... I'm not- not weak, I'm not!...” 

“Ryuunosuke. My boy.” Akutagawa stilled with a gasp. “Life wasn't kind to you, was it?” Chuuya sat up, taking a seat beside Akutagawa, who had begun crying. He placed a hand on his shaking shoulder. “Emotions don't make you weak, they make you human, they make you real. You deserve to have that comfort, and it doesn't make you less of a person for wantin’ it.”

Chuuya extended his arm, grabbing Akutagawa’s opposite shoulder as he began to pull him close.  

“You've been dealin’ with these feelings for so long, and the fact that you could face those fears right now… That makes you strong, Ryuunosuke.”

The dam broke, Akutagawa leaned into Chuuya’s open arms, clutching his shirt as he let out small but effective sobs. Sobs that had been stored away far too long. Chuuya simply sat there with his boy, rubbing his back as his body trembled with shakes too violent for his body, petting his hair soothingly. 

They sat there for quite some time, Akutagawa’s sobs becoming soft mumbles as Chuuya whispered words of encouragement, with the younger’s body now having completely given in to Chuuya’s protective embrace. At one point, before falling asleep, Akutagawa mumbled: “Please don't leave…”

Chuuya replied with a kiss to his midnight crown. “I won't, kiddo.”

══════════════════

After a few days, Akutagawa accepted Chuuya’s assistance anxiously, as he still wasn't accustomed to the new idea of comfort just yet. However, he couldn't hide the feeling forever, and Chuuya knew it.

Chuuya insisted he go to him before the closet, but once again he was found curled in a ball in that cupboard. He tried to fight that fog, but Chuuya’s calm and understanding words lured him into that comfort, letting himself get picked up by the executive and carried back to Chuuya’s home.

He managed to get Akutagawa into the safe clothes he kept for these occasions, carrying the timid boy back to the couch, where they both sat (more like Chuuya sat and Akutagawa clung to him like a baby koala on his lap- Chuuya didn't mind, it was adorable). Chuuya sat there rocking them side to side until he decided to take Akutagawa off his lap to grab something from the side on the floor. He smiled as Akutagawa whined silently.

“I know, I know, but I think you will like this, kiddo.” He grabbed a big box- bigger than his head, and placed it onto the wooden coffee table with a soft thump . Akutagawa tilted his head curiously as Chuuya grabbed a pen and began to rip the tape.

Akutagawa sometimes acts as though he can get anything he desires, but when it truly happens, he will hide the fact he wants something even if it kills him. But frankly, Chuuya had plenty of money to spare, and he’d rather for his boy to have comfy clothing and entertainment- as well as something to bite instead of his sleeve. He splurged on online goodies that were, thankfully, delivered two days prior. Afterall, if Akutagawa was going to experience the childhood he never had, he was gonna make sure its a fun one. 

Lifting the sides, he urged Akutagawa to move closer, and once he did, his eyes beamed. 

Inside, there were bundles of blankets, boxes of toys, pacifiers in plastic containers, and other things he couldn't identify yet. Chuuya noticed the way he began shifting in his seat and snickered, slowly pulling out each item and leaving them either on the table or on the floor. 

He first pulled out a blanket-plush thing, a blanket with a plush bat head-body-torso attached to it. It jingled softly when shaken, which Chuuya demonstrated. Akutagwa’s eyes illuminated with amazement, and Chuuya couldn't hold back his grin. 

“Ya’ like it?”

Akutagawa looked back at Chuuya, nodding twice before reaching out his hands timidly for the toy. He passed it over to him, who shook it and giggled. Chuuya swore his heart exploded at that moment, but the haul wasn’t over yet.

He picked out a few more things- a starred onesie, building blocks, a few sensory books, a fluffy play-carpet thing, diapers (just in case), and some bottles and sippy cups. But of course, the last thing in the box was what Chuuya was most excited for. 

While Akutagawa was fidgeting with those sensory books, Chuuya came back from the sink with clean red and black pacifiers in hand, which also caused Akutagawa to pause with a small noise. 

“M’ not baby…” He mumbled, but lifted his sleeve into his mouth as he said so. With swift motions, Chuuya replaced his sleeve with the red pacifier and waited for a reaction. 

At first, he thought Akutagawa would throw a fit. Afterall, pacifiers were most commonly used on babies, and babies were weak, so Akutagawa wasn't a baby. So he was a bit anxious at the possible reaction.

Instead, Akutagawa began softly sucking on the pacifier, a small hum of satisfaction notifying Chuuya of his glee. Chuuya moved the books to the side to sit beside the little, picking him up into his lap once more with his head on his chest, Akutagawa’s eyes dropping as the pacifier bobbed softly in his mouth. 

Amidst all odds, Akutagawa was happy , and that was something he knew didn't happen often. Any and all controversies or digressions against this kind of behaviour were nonexistent. At that moment, it was just Chuuya and his boy. Nothing more, nothing less. 

Chuuya began to sing a small song in french, watching Akutagawa’s chest rise up and down with sleepy breaths. 

══════════════════

“Akutagawa!” Atsushi snapped his fingers in front of his face, making him jump. “Gosh, you're even more distracted today. Weren't you the one who says to always be aware of your surroundings? I swear I said your name ten times now.”

“Are you too braindead to think that I was possibly just ignoring you, Jinko?” Akutagawa frowned. Atushi pouted with an aggravated sigh. 

Technically, Akutagawa wasn't lying , he was simply rephrasing the fact he was spacing out. It wasn't a good week for him, with Chuuya having unlocked a new response to fear in him making him constantly actious, and with Dazai ignoring his messages until he asked him to attend a mission with his “new and better apprentice.”

Adding on, Atsushi didn't bother to apologise for his outburst last time. He always acted like Akutagawa was the bad guy, that he was the victim, but that's bull. If Akutagawa told him everything that happened to himself due to Atsushi, he was sure the Weretiger would break down. 

“I know what an ignorant expression looks like, and yours did not look like that. Honestly, if you're simply annoyed or having a bad day, why don't you just-”

“Why don't you just shut up and mind your own business for once.” Akutagawa spat. “Are you really too incompetent to read obvious social cues?”

“As if. You never show any emotion, trying to figure out how you're feeling is almost like trying to use markers on an ice cube.” Atsushi rolled his eyes. 

“You're foolish. If you think only people like you have emotions, you're more arrogant than Dazai-san.”

They were currently leaning against a building by the docks, and Akutagawa began hiding by the other side of the corner, in the darkness of the alleyway shade. Not just because of Atsushi’s behaviour getting on his nerves, but also due to the fuzzy tingling that ran through his chest and head beginning to spread across his entire body. Before he knew it, he was struggling to control the breathing that wanted to increase. 

This was bad, and the Weretiger certainly wasn't making it better. 

“Dazai may seem ignorant to you, but he’s my mentor for a reason. He gave me a reason to live when I had nothing. You're just blaming everything on him just because he won't acknowledge you?!”

Damn that hurt. 

It hurt so bad.

It was so sudden that a small cry escaped his mouth. Akutagawa raised a trembling hand to the cloth around his collar. His breathing grew more rapid, as he used his other hand to clench his jaw tight. He felt a knot growing in his throat, and the tingling in his chest became multiple prickling needles. 

He was wrong… He was really, really wrong…

Akutagawa was strong… He just wasn't as lucky…

He opened his mouth to retaliate, but could only muster out a small wheeze before slouching into himself. 

Tears pricked his eyes as Akutagawa dug his nails into his palms, digging and digging for something to distract him from this.

He understood the fact that he would show more emotion than before, but he would never show humanity in front of the Weretiger. No matter how much they cooperated, Akutagawa can't just willingly do something so personal in front of his sworn enemy. His rival. His competition. 

His replacement. 

He turned his head to the alley, which grew longer, and longer, until suddenly Akutagawa was on the ground, feeling too small and inferior to the buildings by his sides. As though the walls could collapse and crush him at any moment. 

A figure crouched by his side, but the sun was too bright for him to bring himself to turn and face it. Instead, he began to squirm away. Burnt by the light he moved desperate in search of shadows to embrace him, the shadows that he knew would comfort him. But the figure only grew closer. Akutagawa’s grip tightened around his mouth. 

He tried telling it to go away, but he didn't even know if those words were understandable. Anything that came out his mouth was worthless, and the only thing that was salvageable was the small sobs he painfully held back. 

A hand touched his shoulder, and Akutagawa jumped as though he'd been burned. 

“Hey, hey…! Y-you're okay, I won't hurt you.” A familiar voice spoke, but it was all too distorted as his heart beat prevented clear sounds from being heard. He tried taking deep breaths, but found himself struggling. 

“Akutagawa, it's me, Atsushi! Are you hurt? What's happening?” 

Akutagawa tried to call out, but all that came out was a cry. He fell into himself, trying to make himself as small as possible while wrapping Rashoumon around his body in a protective cocoon. 

Yeah… the dark was calming.

It took a bit for his breathing to gather back together, but Rashoumon’s pressure around his shoulders and the warmth captured by the dim darkness eased his overstimulated senses. The closed gates of his ability made any exterior noise sound like ocean waves, lulling his distress. 

His eyes were sore, his chest ached. He was tired, he was sad. 

He… He wanted Chuuya… 

Rashoumon dissolved. 

Akutagawa didn't even see it coming, but suddenly, Rashoumon’s tendrils were fading away with blue particles. Akutagawa hid his eyes behind his arms, suddenly aware that he was in danger. Wherever he was, he wasn't safe.

There was something that was pressed on his shoulder moving to his upper back. Cold hands made him freeze in place. His face was hidden in his arms, bracing for impact or awaiting in defence. But the impact never came.

“Akutagawa?”

Someone spoke with a voice that was eerie familiar, but Akutagawa's eyes stayed shut, holding back the tears that were inevitably about to spill. The voice spoke again.

“Akutagawa, can you hear me?”

He nodded in a panic, hoping it would speed up this interaction so he could be left alone.

“Okay. Can you speak to me?”

His only response was a whimper as his head hid deeper into his chest. He heard someone whispering above him. It was so silent yet so loud.  

There was a short pause, but to Akutagawa, he couldn't distinguish the time due to the anxiety. 

Another voice spoke, their tone more clear this time.

“I'm gonna pick you up, okay? We’ll take you to the agency and convince Yosano to look you over.”

It wasn't a sentence of a threat, it wasn't gonna hurt him (yet, he thought), but for now, it was coated with genuine worry and a softness that didn't fit the voice it came from. Nonetheless, Akutagawa was picked up into a pair of arms. He hid his face into the collar of the shirt with his hands holding what seemed to be straps at either shoulder. 

He felt unsteady, as though he would fall to the floor any second now, so Akutagawa held a death grip onto the person. 

He felt his mindset grow more and more grainy, going lightheaded in a way all too familiar by now. Trying to suppress it only made his headache worse, so Akutagawa ended up resting his head on the shoulder he was leaning on for the rest of the walk. 

══════════════════

When Akutagawa woke up from the nap he didn't realise he took, the first thing he noticed was the white blanket draped over his body. He didn't have his coat on, but instead, was wrapped in the calm and fluffy cloth. He was on a bed, a pillow under his head, and it took all his might to not fall back asleep. 

The second thing he noticed was the tethering of his headspace. Sitting up made everything spin as water prickled the corners of his eyes, and no matter how badly he wanted to stay under the covers and nap away, he peeled the warmth from his lap and sat up shakily. 

His eyes were sore and pulsing as he looked around; there was a closed curtain that limited the sunlight from outside, and multiple other curtains that minimised the place he was napping at. It was quiet, and everything smelled like grape sweets and cough syrup. 

Akutagawa sat up while wincing at the way his empty stomach turned, and took unsteady steps to the door leading out of the jade coloured room. 

He had to lean against the wall for most of his journey down the wooden halls, but he didn't mind since the wall was cold against his skin. Akutagawa followed the sounds of murmurs, each step muffled by his socks as he grew closer to the noise.

“-wrong with him?...”

“-fia member in the…”

“Why is he…”

Akutagawa heard multiple comments through the door, but did not register any. He was anxiously watching through the crack in the door. 

There were multiple people in the room; a tall guy with a ponytail, a woman with a pretty butterfly hair pin, a farmer boy, and someone that kinda looked like Dazai-san with a big beige coat. They were all huddled by a table covered in candy wrappers, and Akutagawa’s mouth watered as he caught the scent. 

When he leaned into the smell, however, he grabbed onto the door, which opened wider as he stumbled. Although he kept his gaze on the tiled floor, he heard the conversations in silence. 

Akutagawa whimpered, cheeks fading into an embarrassed red. 

“Akutagawa! You're awake.”

Clicks of fancy shoes walked closer to him as he looked up. He saw the person- Jinko, with a comforting smile as he kneeled slightly to look at Akutagawa in the eyes. He nodded hesitantly, which earned another smile from Atsushi. 

“We were just talking about you! Do you think you can walk there on your own? Or do you want help?”

Akutagawa blinked, averting his eyes as he pointed at Atsushi with a finger. The man-tiger tilted his head, pointing at himself with his own hand until his eyes widened with realisation. 

“You want me to pick you up?...”

Akutagawa nodded. 

He was jolted up into his arms, a bit shakily at first but began walking to the group. Akutagawa whimpered as he heard whispers from behind, most likely talking about him. He was suddenly let down on a chair with a displeased noise. Atsushi gave him an apologetic giggle. 

Meanwhile, Atsushi was truly (and rather strangely) worried. Akutagawa was acting so out of character it had begun to terrify him, even Dazai said he was a bit weirded out by his submission to his own body. He initially wanted to leave Akutagawa there to deal with things on his own, but Atsushi couldn't ignore the trembling fear of a child that he saw in Akutagawa, insisting for Dazai to come and fix this. 

One look at his former apprentice and he knew that whatever psychological monster was plaguing him, it was something he’d never experienced and thus couldn't handle. His words were not getting past, and any sudden movement jolted his already trembling body. Dazai’s eyes widened as Rashoumon began wrapping protectively around his body. He looked so small, like a prey about to be eaten, but when it came to Akutagawa, he didn't know how to handle this. 

Chuuya was at the western side dealing with some transaction, and Gin was probably overseas (plus Dazai knew she would blame him for anything that happened to her brother), so he resigned to having Atsushi carry him back to the agency in hopes of having Ranpo analyse the situation. 

Up until now, the other members had distinct reactions to the endeavour. Kunikida was fuming out his ears about a port mafia member inside the agency building, while Yosano kept her distance while annoyingly telling Dazai that he will get in trouble. Tanizaki was ranting with pure hatred in his voice, with Naomi quietly gathering info about a possible deeper meaning. Kenji sat on Ranpo’s desk as the detective was chowing down on marshmallows, silently staring at the door where Akutagawa suddenly appeared from. 

Now Akutagawa was sitting in one of the office chairs, staring at his lap as the other members glanced at Ranpo, who smacked his lips.

“Atsushi, what did you notice about his behaviour that was out of the ordinary?”

Atsushi’s shoulders raised. “Well, he was not as snappy as usual, but what he did say was too personal, I guess. He then started crying and didn't let me get close. He was, kinda curling into a ball, and when Dazai arrived he wrapped himself with his coat. But… Akutagawa never cries, so I was very worried… He was inconsolable.”

Ranpo hummed at the currently-listening Akutagawa, when he suddenly got off his chair and walked in front of the mafioso.

“Akutagawa-kun.” He called out. Even though there wasn't a response, Ranpo understood that Akutagawa heard him.

“Do you perhaps feel small?” The black haired male’s posture shifted, and he began lifting his head to look at Ranpo. He nodded. “Youre regressed, aren't you?” Another nod of confirmation, Ranpo smiled. He turned around with a hand on his hip. 

“Does anyone know what ‘age regression’ is?” 

Most of the group replied with “no”s, but one person lifted his hand. It was Naomi.

“I do! It's the coping mechanism, right?”

She tilted her head to look at her brother with a smile. 

“So, long story short, Akutagawa-kun’s mindset turns into a childlike one, so right now he's pretty much emotionally and mentally a little kid! It's normally a voluntary thing, but given what Atsushi-kun described… He probably had a meltdown and regressed involuntarily as a defence reaction…”

Atsushi blinked at Naomi, who was now cooing sadly at Akutagawa, all while thoughts ran in and out his head. He understood that feeling, he understood that sometimes adults can act childish or immature, but he never knew it was a coping mechanism…

Coping was usually some way to relieve emotions with a different type of feeling, so when it came to having a child-like headspace… It probably meant that those who age regress want the purity and innocence of a child as a form of escapism.

He knew Akutagawa didn't have the best childhood, he could tell by the blunt look in his eyes… But to think he secretly longed for a happy childhood, that he was afraid… 

Ranpo asked Naomi to come near, and despite Tanizaki’s subtle hesitation, she walked up to the boy and bent over with her hands on her knees. 

“Hello, Akutagawa-kun!” She smiled. Akutagawa flinched, but waved back with a trembling hand. “Do you have any items for when you feel little? Like a plushie or pacifier?”

“...Chuu…” He mumbled, lifting his sleeve to his mouth as his eyes began to water. “M’ wan’ Chuu…”

Atsushi saw how Dazai’s eyes widened. 

“I'm sorry, but Chuu isn't here right now… How about I play with you while Dazai-san calls them?”

“...P’ay…?”

“Yeah! There's a bunch of my old toys in a storage closet! Naomi-nee wont hurt you, I promise!” She giggled, bouncing on her heels. Atsushi couldn't help but smile, Akutagawa slowly loosening at Naomi’s giddy excitement. 

“...’N’omi…?”

She beamed and nodded. “Yeah! Nomi can play with you!”

“That's a… endearing idea… However,” Kunikida interrupted, trying to keep his tone less aggressive. “There isn't an area to keep him, and it wouldn't be best to have him out in the open. Dazai, can you move him to the lounge?”

“Ehh…? Why me?” Dazai whined. Akutagawa sniffled at his reaction. 

“Akutagawa-kun can't walk on his own right now, his motor skills have regressed due to the involuntary regression.” Ranpo chewed another mouthful of marshmallows, sneakily passing a few to Naomi. “Besides, you are the only one he recognizes right now, I think it's best for both you and Atsushi to keep watch while we reach out to Nakahara.”

Dazai only ‘tsked, but made no further comments. He walked over to Akutagawa, who looked at him with beady eyes. 

“Dashai-san…” He stammered. The brunette had to hold back a small squeal.

“Heya, Ryuunosuke. Do you mind if I take you to the lounge? You can sit on one of the comfy chairs while Atsushi-kun and Naomi-chan grab toys?”

“M’ wan’ Chuu…”

“I know kiddo, but Chuu isn't here right now. I promise that he’ll come pick you up while you play. Does that sound like a good deal?”

Atsushi prepared for the worst, which honestly he didn't even know what it would be, but he was surprised when Akutagawa raised his arms at Atsushi, opening and closing his fingers. 

He stuttered, Yosano giggled behind him. 

“My my, it seems the mafioso wants to be carried by Atsushi-kun.” She awwed, patting his shoulder. Atsushi pouted in her direction, sighing as he walked towards the male. He had Akutagawa wrap his arms around his neck as he supported his bottom with his other arms, supporting him on his hip. Atsushi was still surprised at how easy it was to carry him. 

Confirming with Dazai, he began walking slowly to the lounge. Atsushi wasn't struggling, but he was worried that any sudden movements might surprise Akutagawa, and if their joint mission ever taught him anything, Akutagawa hates being surprised.

The walk there was quiet, but before he was going to drop Akutagawa on one of the bean bags, he felt his grip tighten around his neck and waist. 

Did Akutagawa not want to be let down?

“...You want me to keep holding you?...”

“J’nko hold…” His voice was slightly higher, probably due to the raw softness he emitted. Which was weird, as Atsushi was used to his voice constantly reprimanding him. 

He sighed and sat down on the couch instead, leaving Akutagawa to cling to him.

Compared to when they were at the office, Akutagawa was now acting more docile. Maybe it was because of the amount of people, or maybe it was because he was with Atsushi. He might never know, but he couldn't help but give in to cuddling the body that was resting on his torso. 

While Dazai took his sweet time, Atsushi had many questions going through his head. Akutagawa probably never had the chance to be a kid, so the only explanation he could gather for his current behaviour would be that he wanted to be protected. 

He’s heard stories, and Akutagawa was always the shield. He was forced to grow up too quickly, and now that he's witnessing warmth, he's scared that it'll be taken away from him. 

Atsushi felt Akutagawa nuzzle into the crook of his neck with a groggy noise, shifting so he was curled up sideways on Atsushi’s lap. He couldn't help but gather the small body of his rival in his arms until Akutagawa’s ear was on his chest, probably listening to his rapid beating heart. 

Before he could do anything else, Akutagawa grabbed his hand and hugged it close to his chin. His face was cold against his palm, and Akutagawa let out a small satisfied sigh, his eyes squinted but not closed. 

At that moment, Atsushi couldn't see him as a rival. Because right now, it was one victim talking to another. 

“...Akutagawa,” He broke the silence. “I yelled at you before, during a mission, and you seemed upset then as well… Did you regress because of it?”

Akutagawa shifted, mumbling.

“J’nko yelled… m’ was scared, bu’ Chuu h’lp me… Chuu keep sc’ry things away…”

Ah. That's what happened. Today too. 

Atsushi caused Akutagawa to break down. Not once, but twice. 

“...I'm sorry, Aku- Ryuunosuke.” He said sadly, voice wavering with guilt. “I was being mean for no reason, and ignorant to your suffering. I always blamed you, but never truly tried to understand you, and I dont think I'll ever forgive myself for that… I promise that it won't happen again.”

“I'll protect your safe space, I won't let it get hurt again.”

Although Atsushi was ninety-nine-percent sure Akutagawa’s small headspace didn't understand, the way his muscles loosened within Atsushi’s grasp was the once-percent that Akutagawa forgave him.

══════════════════

“Akutagawa trusts Atsushi with his vulnerability, huh?” Dazai smiled at Chuuya, both looking at the sleeping Double Black, Akutagawa on Atsushi’s chest with the Man-Tiger’s head ontop of his. 

Chuuya scoffed, panting. “You jerk, I thought something bad happened with the way you called me…” 

He tried to act annoyed, but neither of the ex-partners ignored the other’s smile.

“Ryuu’s come a long way.”

“He truly has…”

“...Oi, are ya’ takin’ a picture?”

“Uh, yeah?! They're so cute! I bet I can use this as blackmail so Atsushi-kun can do my groceries!”

“Hmph… Hey, Mackerel, send me that pic.”

Chapter Text

Days weren’t so easy for some, and in Akutagawa’s case, no days were simple. Sure, he managed to find temporary relaxation with his regression, but that didn’t help if he woke up the next day to repeat everything that led up the day before.

He had a free day today, so he tried to make the most of it, so since Gin was leaving in the afternoon after returning for the month, Akutagawa trained with her until the lethargy due to lack of food made his vision flicker. He woke up uneasy, and it seemed that the uneasiness made him forget breakfast. It was such a hassle to get food when you’re a wanted man, and Akutagawa wanted Gin to have food for her own trip. It wasn’t healthy, and even though he knew he had to fix it, it just wasn’t as easy as proposed. 

Gin exhaled while stretching her back, as Akutagawa coughed dryly into his hand. Gin walked over to her brother, laying her hand on his sharp shoulder blade.

“That’s enough for today, thank you for finding time to train with me, brother.” She gave off a smile. He nodded.

“It was nothing. I hope that-“ He took a deep breath. “It was a good enough exercise considering the minimal amount of time we had.”

He was a bit out of breath and Gin noticed his panting, squeezing his arm. Her hands were warm against the skin under his long sleeves. She shot him a face of worry.

“Brother, you mustn’t exert yourself, have you eaten at all today?”

He gulped, responding with a tone he tried so hard to not let itself falter. 

“I- I haven’t… But-“

“Well, good thing Chuuya-san invited you for drinks at his place!” Shoot, he forgot about that. “Either way, I’m glad you two have gotten so close. It’s relieving to know you have other connections, bother.”

He fidgeted with his shirt by his side. “How so?”

“Well, you just seem to be more at ease with Chuuya-san lately. You were very clearly stressed the past months, brother, both him and I were worried about you, and he said he’d watch over you when I left. I’m sorry, but I knew that if I didn’t do something, you’d collapse from overwork. You were always working so hard, brother.”

The boy glanced at his sister, who smiled back at him with the same smile he’d seen his entire life. A little sister with her older brother. He felt his cheeks flush lightly, lifting his shoulders. That smile always made him feel so safe, and now, made him feel like he was back in the small body from where that smile first originated. 

He was regressing. Good thing he was seeing Chuuya later today.

Without thinking, with Gin’s hand still on his arm, he rested his forehead on his shoulder with one arm around his waist, in some impromptu hug. 

Akutagawa may be the rabid dog of the mafia, but he is- and always will be, someone who only ever lived because of his sister.

He hasn’t hugged Gin in so long. Gods, he missed the feeling.

He missed this so much.

Akutagawa felt slim arms wrap around his own torso with comforting pressure. 

He crooked a small smile into her shoulder, a smile with the phrase ‘I love you’ spoken without words. 

══════════════════

Chuuya knew Akutagawa was regressed by the time he arrived at his place. Akutagawa knew that as well. 

Akutagawa found himself slipping further and further as the cab drove him, distracting himself with the trees and buildings that the car drove past. He chewed at the dry skin on his lips, uncomfortable by the cracking that left him tasting iron as he smacked his mouth. He wobbly got out of the backseat, passing it off as simply dusting off his pants. 

He saw Chuuya’s face switch from confused to caring as soon as he was greeted. Akutagawa recognized that paternal-like look every time. 

“Hey there, kiddo.” Chuuya smiled, caressing the taller male’s hair as Akutagawa squeezed into himself. “Cmon, I had a feelin’ you wouldn’t be up for a adult-like hangout anyway. ‘S been a while since I had my boy over to play.”

Akutagawa puffed his cheek, but accepted Chuuya’s hand as he was brought inside. There was a bottle of wine by the counter, unopened, but other than that, the area seemed as tidy as Chuuya liked to keep it.

He was brought into the spare bedroom (Chuuya said it came with the house, so he just used it as a storage area until renovating it into a guest room to keep the agere stuff), and flopped onto the fluffy white cover of the bed. 

Chuuya took the time to ruffle his hair again, and opened the closet to pull out the two-piece black pyjama set. 

When he turned around to begin the change, Akutagawa was already nibbling on his fingers. 

“Ah ah, Ryuu, remember that we don’t chew on our fingers. Here.” Chuuya had turned back around and passed Akutagawa the black pacifier, which he quickly plopped into his mouth happily. Chuuya smiled before going to change the regressor into pyjamas.

Once he was done, Akutagawa sat up and wobbled side to side. He looked simply adorable, but Akutagawa was always adorable, but even so when he’s all cosy. 

“Alright, then.” Akutagawa looked up, seeing Chuuya squat down by the closet again. “Do ya’ want your blocks? Or your rattle?”

Akutagawa shook his head lightly. Chuuya smirked. 

“What about Rashoumon?”

His eyes sparkled, stretching his hands out as Chuuya lifted the plush blanket and passed it to the little, who hugged it tight to his chest. He nuzzled his face into the black fluff, his shoulders visibly loosening with a satisfied hum. 

He heard Chuuya pull out other things, but he was preoccupied petting the plus like a cat, stroking his hand on the blanket portion and occasionally hugging it to his chest. By the time he noticed Chuuya glancing his way, he was already smiling warmly in his direction, causing him to hide behind the comfort object. 

“Ya’ shy, little one?” Chuuya said. “Well, as scary as Rashoumon is, it won't stop me from carin’ for ya’.” Chuuya proceeded to move the locked hands of Akutagawa around his neck as he used his own arms to support his body. Akutagawa let out a small yelp as he was lifted, feeling Chuuya’s chuckling as he nuzzled into his chest protectively. 

“I was goin’ to make you something to eat,” he emphasised by lifting a grey sippy cup into the air with his red ability’s utility. “But I had a feelin’ my boy needed some TLC. Or was I wrong?”

Akutagawa shook his head, mumbling from behind his paci, digging his nose into his collar shirt. “Chuu…” 

He might've heard a giddy noise from Chuuya, but even if he didnt, he groaned embarrassed at his carer. 

“Chuu’s gotcha. Now, how does cheese noodles with chicken sound?” Chuuya laughed at Akutagawa’s rapid nodding, he could tell he was hungry. 

Chuuya, with a heart filled with popping fireworks, carried the lankier body in his arms to the kitchen, where he sat him down on one of the chairs. Akutagawa whined, squeezing his grip on Chuuya, not wanting to be let go. 

Chuuya noticed how unwanted things had a hard time escaping Akutagawa’s grasp, based on how secure the wrap was around his waist, Akutagawa was afraid that if he let down his guard then Chuuya would go away. Akutagawa was the type to be afraid to lose what he wishes to keep, he’d seen it in the small glances of betrayal he gave Dazai, or the bittersweet glow whenever Gin worried about his health. Akutagawa had things, but fate always took away the ones he wanted to keep, no matter how much they fought back. 

It comes down to Chuuya how badly Akutagawa’s mental state had been corrupted. Was there ever a time where he wasn’t insecure and devastated over the misfortune in his life? If gods exist, they don't care for kids like Akutagawa, much less give them the satisfaction to help them keep going. He was once told that Dazai promised him a reason to live, and despite never finding it, he continued fighting for the chance that he could be redeemed. 

Though, suffering can’t be traded for happiness. 

But Chuuya knew something Akutagawa didn’t; it was that suffering can be eased.

Akutagawa’s regressed mindset was so vulnerable to suffering that he would do anything to keep even the slightest comfort, gripping the back of Chuuya’s shirt with trembling hands as he struggled to balance his teetering headspace. If Chuuya left him, he would be alone. 

Then Chuuya came to the heartbreaking realisation; the younger he is, the lonlier he feels.  

Damn, traumatised kids did a serious number for his heartstrings. 

Akutagawa whimpered into his shirt, clearly wanting Chuuya to keep holding him. It was clear that he was overthinking himself into a deeper headspace, and despite how badly he wanted to prevent a crying baby, he couldn't just have him close to the boiling water. 

“Ryuu, kiddo, I gotta start boilin’ the water. You can watch me from here, yeah?” Akutagawa shook his head side to side, burrowing his face into his chest. “I know, I know, but you gotta let me get you some food, Little One, you gotta eat.” 

Akutagawa looked up with beaded eyes, pouting as his grip began to falter. Chuuya smiled. 

“Please? It would make Chuu very happy to see you eat.”

When Akutagawa let go, glancing at him with cat-like pupils, Chuuya ruffled his hair and walked over to the stove. He boiled some water and greeted some cheese, he washed the sippy cup (that he accidentally dropped) and filled it with grape juice (it was either grape or apple, Akutagawa wanted grape). 

When the noodles were boiled and soft, he mixed in the cheese and cut chicken he had in his fridge and left one bowl in front of Akutagawa, leaving a smaller portion of food in front of himself. He already ate prior, but he figured Akutagawan would be more at ease if Chuuya wasn't just watching him eat like some mother animal. By now, Akutagawa had left his paci on the table and Rashoumon on his lap, and if Chuuya didn't know any better, he wouldn't have noticed his mouth watering at the scent. 

Akutagawa mumbled a quiet thanks before sloppily lifting his fork. Chuuya did so as well, chewing on some of the cheesy food as he watched the dark haired little struggle to get some on his own utensil. If he were any other person, they'd find this scene comical or pathetic, but frankly, Chuuya found himself annoyed at Akutagawa’s stubbornness. 

“Okay, give it here.” Chuuya rapidly took the fork from Akutagawa’s hand. He jumped, a confused look on his face as he blinked in Chuuya’s direction. Chuuya also moved the bowl of food closer to him in order to twirl some noodles on the work. When he lifted it in Akutagawa’s direction, there was no reaction. 

“Im feedin’ you, you were strugglin’. -Ah! I don't wanna hear it.” Chuuya flicked his finger up before Akutagawa could reply. “Clearly you're not willing to ask for help so I’m going to do it for ya’.”

Akutagawa pouted with those shimmering kitten eyes he put whenever he was upset, but clearly words wouldn't get a message through to Akutagawa better than actions could. Chuuya had to take the initiative. 

He used his free hand to caress the younger’s hand with his thumb when Akutagawa’s gaze became dejected. 

Akutagawa wasn't a confident kid by nature, so he found himself prideful of the abilities he did possess. However, that sadly came with the side effect of a “I-have-to-prove-myself-worthy-and-useful-and-never-falter” mindset. Akutagawa was a kid who always felt like he needed to prove himself, either for others or for himself or even for no one at all, and if Chuuya understood anything about children raised in delinquency was that high expectations was one of the worst outcomes that can be inflicted upon them. 

Dazai certainly didn't make that any better when taking him into the port mafia, but maybe, just maybe, now with this new path to recovery, Chuuya gets a second chance to give this kid the praise he deserves. 

“Hey, it's not a crime to ask for help, ya’ know. Kiddos like you especially .” Chuuya smiled. “Right now, you're too little to feed yourself, but feel like you're big enough to do it on your own, even when you can't.”

Chuuya lifted the utensil with the food and a hand cupped below, raising it to Akutagawa’s mouth. 

“How about I do my job as a big brother and help ya’, yeah? Say ahh.”

He was half expecting no reaction, but when Akutagawa hesitantly opened his mouth, Chuuya allowed himself to feel proud. Not just at himself but at Akutagawa too. 

He smiled as he saw the little’s face regain colour with every bite. By now, Akutagawa had completely accepted this moment of assistance, and whether or not he would complain about it later, that was a problem for when he's big again. 

══════════════════

While putting away some soft blocks from the floor, Chuuya heard the rattling from Akutagawa’s toy grow quieter and less consistent. His suspicions were correct once he turned around to find Akutagawa dozing off while sitting. 

He couldn’t exactly blame him, afterall, he just ate a reasonable amount of food, played with his toys, and was now sitting on the guest bed’s fluffy covers. Chuuya almost felt jealous of how comfy the boy looked. 

By now, the sun had begun to set, and considering Akutagawa’s current mental space, it really isn’t a good idea to leave him alone.

Akutagawa didn’t seem to show signs of leaving, either. 

Chuuya took a seat by the corner of the bed. Now, Akutagawa crawled over to Chuuya’s side, finding a space by the side of his torso under his arm and burrowing into himself, stifling a yawn behind his paci. 

Chuuya let his own hand hover over the black crown, slowly petting it, which earned him a satisfied mumble. He looked so small under Chuuya’s grasp, it was really hard to compare his current self with the one that appeared at professional meetings. His warm body heated the hand that touched his hand, usually messy hair now brushed, legs wrapped around Chuuya’s waist and his head dropping under his arm, the way he looked at Akutagawa now was more motherly than he'd like to admit, but thinking more about it, it was strangely fitting. 

That position can’t possibly be healthy if he were to sleep, though. 

Chuuya stood up from the bed and hooked his legs under Akutagawa’s knees, his arms supporting his back and he shifted the sleeping boy under the warm covers. 

Behind his pacifier, Akutagawa let out a small hum. A small noise so rare to hear in the mafia. There was no satisfaction in this organisation, but if he could grant Akutagawa that mercy, even for a second, he would. 

He recalled his past with Akutagawa- the good moments, the bad ones too, and then glanced at the sleeping boy in front of him. The same boy who once had bruises and scrapes caking his face was now almost wearing a smile. 

It was a once in a lifetime chance; afterall, Akuagawa never genuinely smiled. 

Four years ago, Dazai didn't just leave the mafia, but he left behind his oath. 

That day, Chuuya and Gin had embraced Akutagawa tight as his body shook, he swore the boy’s eyes were so wide that they were going to burst, his lungs rattled with every quickened breath to the point Gin had to get medical equipment; he was in so much despair he'd rather not breathe than shed tears. 

Dazai promised to give him a reason to live, he swore he'd turn a beast into a kid, but all he did was toy with Akutagawa until he left everything behind. 

Akutagawa was betrayed, he had a look on his face he'd never quite seen before in his life. It was a dark expression, but also one so pained. A face of betrayal, of shock, the kind of expression one would have if they were slapped in the face by a paternal figure. Dazai was for sure no parent, but he was a mentor, the reason for Akutagawa’s life. 

But he wasn't Dazai. He couldn't replace the hole that his former partner had left, and he was neither the attention Akutagawa wanted or needed. Yet despite himself, Chuuya swore to himself that day that he'd never have to hold Akutagawa that way again.  

Akutagawa’s hand grabbed his pinkie finger, letting out a long sigh as he drifted off deeper and deeper into unconsciousness. Chuuya smiled, lifting his hand and holding it with his other, the finger Akutagawa held was now warmer.

Chapter Text

“This is why Dazai left you.”

He’s been telling himself that phrase for the past four years, but even so, hearing such words from the Weretiger’s mouth that day made him hurt.

He remembered feeling so tired, so hurt, that even opening his mouth made it feel like his skin was going to rip apart, and that Weretiger had the guts to hit him where it hurts the most.

Akutagawa was a sensitive person by nature, which meant that he lived under the institution-ship of manipulation; one could beat him till his skin was purple and yet he’d still crawl back to them. Because, well, it’s the only thing he ever knew that would keep him alive. Even if he wasnt that oblivious teenager anymore, even if he had finally allowed others to care, he knew that he'd never reach the approval he so desperately wanted from that man. Even after all these years, he knew he'd never be enough for Dazai, and yet his heart wouldn't allow him to stop trying.

Even though Dazai left, he couldn't see him as a whole new man. Afterall, Dazai knew all of his weaknesses, and knew how to get under his skin.

This time, it was dogs.

Chuuya told him that he was following Dazai on retrieving lost shipments, Chuuya told him that it would be quick. So he believed that; he believed that Dazai told Chuuya exactly what they were going to do. But that smirk never lies.

They arrived at a junkyard, many shining objects making his eyes squint due to the reflecting sun, but there was nothing out of the ordinary to be suspicious of. Granted, he was feeling a bit off; he woke up having wet the bed, so that wasn't fun, and he didn't tell anyone since his adult mindset would rather die than be conscious to talk about his body’s failure. He wasn't weak, even as an age regressor, he could handle a short and simple mission.

Akutagawa pulled away his sleeve that he wasn't chewing on, and looked over at Dazai, definitely not because he was caught spacing out. The brunette smacked his lip with a chubby smile, sighing about how “Akutagawa is always so tense around him as if he’d done something to offend him.”

The junkyard was next to a pretty busy area of the outskirts, mostly made of workers and constructors. Akutagawa flinched at a particular rocky bang, but cleared his throat and pulled himself together, completely pushing away his tethering battle against his headspace. Dazai leaned against what seemed to be an old closet, looking at the opposing side the sun was shining from. He was silent, oddly silent, Akutagawa didn’t have a good feeling about it.

Then came another loud noise, forcing Akutagawa’s stiff steps to come to a halt. It wasn’t just another clunk or crash, it was an animalistic noise, one Akutagawa wasn’t fond of.

It was a noise his headspace was terrified of.

From the distance, coming out from between a metallic pile, came out a large dog. It was tall, not too fluffy but not short-haired, with legs so long they almost appeared bigger than the body. And the worst part was; that it was running towards them, screeching its throaty call. Akutagawa stilled, suddenly his shirt feeling too tight on his body. He tried to call Rashoumon, but he feared her mouth like the dog’s, keeping her idle as he took shaky steps back. He tried to look for someone- anyone, for the man in the brown coat to do something, but instead was greeted by a toothy grin. Akutagawa grasped at his collar, suddenly beginning to choke away any oxygen from entering his lungs, dust entering his ears which created a foggy sound.

And now he was transported back to that era, watching as his friend Yuuji was hurt by dogs way bigger than her- bigger than him. A threat so much bigger than himself that Akutagawa began to fear it. Dogs meant danger, dogs were violent, their barks were loud, very loud- Gods, why was everything so loud- His legs didn’t move, his lungs couldn’t stop breathing in- were his hands trembling? It’s too loud!-

The pressure on his shoulder made his body jump violently, a sharp motion that sent his already weak legs collapse, alongside the rest of his oxygen-deprived body. He sat with his arms wrapped above his face, a shield, preparing for impact as he choked on a sob.

He heard something, but couldn’t tell what it said-

It’s loud!

Too loud.

The pressure came back onto both his shoulders, holding him firm and in place. Akutagawa let out a shriek, one so desperate and so full of fright, kicking his legs to get away. At this point, the fight between mindsets has decided on one thing; get away from the mortal danger.

He heard someone tell him to open his eyes, but even when he tried, they wouldn’t budge. He could feel his heart outlawing from under his eyelids, his breathing going so rapid that not even the pressure on his shoulders made him feel somewhat grounded.

He saw Yuuji’s fearful face, his last screams of pain- asking someone to help him.

And yet, even now, Akutagawa stood motionless. He couldn’t do anything.

It took him some time to recognize the pressure around his chest, something holding onto him like a heavy blanket. The boy let out a sob, his attempts at saying “help me” being mumbled out incoherently.

His head hurt so bad, he didn’t know where he was. He was being picked up, to safety?

It was in the middle of this turmoil that Akutagawa’s lungs finally had enough. He began to cough violently, with his throat already dry, the pain made him cry more. He held onto the person, wrapping his legs tightly around their waist and arms around their neck and shoulders.

The coughing became too much by then, Akutagawa’s body did something that it always did amidst the pain; shut down.

Someone spoke overhead, telling him to “take deep breaths'' and that “you’ll be okay.” But that voice sounded nothing like Gin, only she could make him not scared! He can only be strong because of her! His mind ran in circles, a whine escaping his lips before he let his eyes soften, a cry that's saying “I want my sister!”

══════════════════

When he came to, Akutagawa was in his room.

At first everything felt sort of normal; his curtains were closed, his bed was nice and soft, his body was all warm from sleeping in his sleeping outfit, almost as if anything that happened beforehand had just been a bad dream.

Shifting his gaze from whatever corner of the wall he was staring at, he looked down at his lap, curling and uncurling his fingers as best as he could get them to. His body didn’t obey. He pressed harder onto the blanket, craving to regain feeling in his numb fingers, when he began to feel the strange and wet feeling the harder he pressed onto the covers.

Akutagawa had barely moved an inch from waking up, but now that he’s made that realisation, he flinched and sat up. He glanced down at his lap with shame, failing to swallow a lump in his throat as his lips bobbled.

He found himself picking at his nails and finger skin with his teeth, the taste of iron getting muted by the uncomfortable sensation of his own body, rocking back and forth to balance his sensory needs with little avail.

A small whine escaped his chapped lips as suddenly everything became loud; the creaking of the wood, the squeaks of his door, the muffled thumps against his carpeted floor. Someone applied pressure to his wrists which made the male yelp harshly, waving his limbs in an attempt to get away.

The pressure loosened on one of his wrists and went over to lay on his back, a warm sensation covering the pressued area caused him to pause his stumbling. The same warmth was applied to his chest, a shushing voice in his head telling him to take deep breaths. Listening to the wind, he let his panic get overrun by warmth and safety as he was wrapped up in a embrace, his soft cries minimising to hiccups and small sniffs.

The wind paused him, but the tone wasn't the same, so when he looked up, he was quite surprised to see his ex mentor’s arms cradling his shivering body, one of his hands on his back and the other on his chest.

Akutagawa opened his mouth to speak, but no words would leave his mouth. He was simply too tired, and now that his “show” was over, Dazai didn't need to stay.

He tried so hard to say “I’m okay, Dazai-san”, in hopes of not keeping the older man back longer than he needed to, but his vocal cords still refused to function. He smacked his leg, brows furrowing in frustration, wishing oh so badly to say something.

Unsurprisingly, Dazai caught on quickly to his annoyance, rubbing circles on his back as he mumbled soothing words.

“It's okay if you can't speak, you know. You must be feeling pretty small right now, and I bet these wet clothes aren't helping, huh?” Dazai smiled as Akutagawa cheeks flushed with a pout.

Akutagawa let himself get picked up in Dazai’s arms effortlessly as he was carried over to his large bathroom. Akutagawa’s household was large, he was a member of the mafia, afterall, and his bathroom was always large. However, in this moment, everything was especially huge in a way he couldn't necessarily describe.

Dazai, all the while holding his ex-apprentice in his arms, had equally as many things running through his head- if not, way more. Yes, he knew Akutagawa regressed, and no this wasn’t the first time he’d seen it in person, but this certainly wasn’t a scenario he necessarily wanted to be in. Dazai never had a good relationship with his ex-apprentice, and if he were to be in any situation, this one was definitely not his top pick. He knew he had to reconcile somehow, but he wasn't sure he'd be able to right now…

By the time he had removed Akutagawa from his clothes, that's when he noticed the condition of who used to be that sad fourteen year old kid. Skin pale and flaking with dryness, scarred with lacerations that were both by accident and on purpose, his body thin and clearly not being fed well, it was no wonder Chuuya spoke about him with such concern, the kid was obviously not okay.

The bath went by quick and easy, Akutagawa easily slipping through his oversized long sleeved shirt and shorts. Akutagawa was now sitting on the floor while Dazai undid his bed, eyes glued to the floor as he picked at his lip. Dazai, noticing, tugged Akutagawa’s hand away.

“No, don't do that.” He said, but it seemed that his harsh tone was immediately regretted as he watched Akutagawa’s normally distant eyes well up with tears. When the dark haired man’s shoulders began to shake, Dazai let go of the sheets he was holding and crouched down, halting at the way Akutagawa flinched as he did so.

“‘M so-sorry…!” His little voice hitched, breathing laboured as fat tears rolled down, cheeks pink with shame. “‘M not gud e-enough, ‘m annoyin’, s-sorry Dathai-san…!”

He began rambling, and even though Dazai was holding him tight by now, his cries wouldn't stir. The kid was too guilt stricken, his words now incoherent apart from the phrase “i'm sorry” repeating. But then Akutagawa said something that made him still.

“Dis is why you left me…”

Dazai stopped cold, his arms loosening from Akutagawa’s form. He rubbed the younger’s back with shaking hands as he opened his mouth.

“Who… Who told you that…?”

“‘Tushi… He w-ay better than me… ‘M bad, dis is why you left me….”

Suddenly, bandaged arms wrapped around his body, a hand behind his head holding Akutagawa over Dazai’s shoulder. Dazai shushed, rocking their bodies back and forth soothingly.

“You've grown strong… So strong… I’m sorry I didn't get to tell you sooner, Little One…”

Akutagawa hiccuped, his arms hesitantly wrapping Dazai as he cried. Dazai’s throat tightened as he held the kid, a thousand apologies spoken with a simple hug.

Cries soothed into small hitches, and Akutagawa seemed alot calmer. He was sucking his finger now, but Dazai gently moved it away. When the little whined, Dazai looked around in hopes that the kid had gear.

“Do you have a pacifier, Aku?” He turned to look at the kid that was rubbing his face. Akutagawa loosely pointed at a box under his bed.

When Dazai pulled out the box, he was initially surprised at the amount of stuff inside, that was until he remembefred Chuuya was his caregiver. The box had blocks and stuffed animals, bottles and toys, pacifiers too. Dazai took out a black pacifier and what seemed to be a clip for it, but stopped and grabbed a diaper, inspecting it hesitantly, before turning back to the dark haired mafioso.

He picked up the smaller man and laid him on the bed, clipping his pacifier to his maroon shirt as he fiddled with the diaper. Akutagawa, initially distracted, noticed the diaper and blushed, fussing and turning.

“Hey, hey! Its better than wet pants, right?” Dazai cooed, slowly moving to put the power and wrap the straps around Akutagawa’s waist, lifting his shorts back up as he smiled. Dazai took the risk as tickled the male’s sides, his hesitation leaving as he watched Akutagawa squirm with giggles.

This regression thing made the coldest warrior into a human with emotions… He could certainly look more deeper into this.

But for now, Akutagawa smiling, Dazai’s warm hands holding him, he found it comforting how peaceful this felt. It felt nice for Dazai to give care to someone, he bet that Akutagawa liked this affection too.

══════════════════

When Chuuya saw the message, he rushed to Akutagawa’s place as fast as he could. He didn't know what to expect, maybe a sobbing child? Maybe a childish adult? Apparently it was none of that.

Instead, he met a Dazai who was currently feeding a very regressed and very sleepy Akutagawa in his arms, one hand helping him nurse a bottle. Akutagawa had a black pacifier clipped to his shirt and a plush cat on his lap, eyes lidded as Dazai hummed soothingly. Chuuya stumbled closer, sitting beside Dazai and cooing as the baby blinked at him, he smiled in return as he grabbed his hand.

“Is everythin’ okay?” He asked as he turned to look at Dazai, who only nodded with a small smile.

“I learnt a few things; Aku doesn't like dogs, I learned how to change a diaper, and I think a small weight has been lifted off both our shoulders.”

“He used his diapers? That's great! I've struggled to get him used to ‘em while he’s regressed… Wait, what do you mean a weight lifted off your shoulders?”

Dazai looked down at Akutagawa, who had now closed his eyes with a finished bottle. “Well, let's just say I could babysit once in a while.”

Chuuya would have a lot of time to process this while washing the dishes, and Dazai would too, as the warmth from the body that had once felt so cold to him warm up in his touch.

Chapter Text

Chuuya wanted to believe Dazai was fit for babysitting, after all his character-development and stuff he’s definitely improved somewhat since his Mafia days.

Dazai wanted to believe he was fit for babysitting, too, but he oh so clearly misunderstood what and who he was dealing with. And also misjudged his own capabilities to interact with the very person he promised to assist. 

Well, feral cats are afraid of anyone who goes near them, especially those who’ve wronged them. 

After Akutagawa had fallen asleep in his arms and nursed on a bottle from the brunette’s hands, Dazai thought for a solid minute that “maybe, maybe they finally reconciled”, but he was wrong, so. very. wrong.

Their next encounter wasn't particularly a happy one, quite the opposite actually; as soon as Akutagawa made eye contact, he froze , pure despair in his snow white pale face, Dazai was certain the kid would fall onto the ground right then and there (and he would’ve if Chuuya didn’t rush up to him and held his shoulders.) 

It was… a lot, to say the least. 

During all this, Chuuya acted as their mediator, making sure Dazai stayed in line and that Akutagawa could slowly begin to trust Dazai’s apologetic actions without the fear of betrayal. Honestly, Dazai couldn’t be more thankful for Chuuya at that moment. 

He’d never admit it, of course, but he always envied the way Chuuya protected Akutagawa back in the day. Because Akutagawa was a living entity of Dazai’s own disappointments; whenever he saw Akutagawa, he saw himself , but when he saw Akutagawa and Chuuya, he saw a parent and a child . Not your normal child (whatever “normal” means nowadays), but he saw the individuality of Akutagawa when Dazai was far away. But when an orphaned and traumatized kid sees you as their reason for living, Dazai knew he couldn’t just disappear and let Akutagawa free. Even now, the days he’d gently praise Akutagawa during their missions with Atsushi, or when he cradled a regressed Akutagawa in his arms after a nightmare, these positives would still never make Akutagawa free. He’ll always stay trapped one way or another, but that’s just who Akutagawa is, and since Dazai had the key to some of his shackles, he knew he had to prove himself worthy of redemption. 

Which is why, after many, many months, of Chuuya assisting Dazai with his reconciliation with Akutagawa, he finally felt the courage to ask the young man’s caregiver if he could take him in for the weekend. 

(Yes he said “caregiver”. Chuuya wont admit it, so Dazai will.)

“You, and Ryuunosuke? Alone for an entire weekend?” Chuuya’s exasperated expression echoed through Dazai’s mind, every single vowel making him cringe. But even so, he respected Chuuya’s concerns. Well, it’s Dazai and Akutagawa they were talking about.

“Well,” Dazai scratched the bandages on the back of his neck. “I figured this could be another step in the recovery process, no? Or is Chibi too scared to let his precious kitten hop into another person’s arms?” He teased, leaning down to take a better look at Chuuya’s annoyed expression.

“Well… I suppose it wouldn’t be a bad idea when you phrase it that way… I’d just have to let Ryuu know beforehand, no messin’ with things now.” Chuuya said as he opened his phone to text. 

Dazai’s look of shock turned into one of genuine excitement, and when Chuuya asked about his behavior, he played it off and said that the redhead didn’t deny the comment about being a Mama Cat. Because if Chuuya of all people knew how desperate he was for this opportunity, he would never let him live it down.

“Awesome! I’ll be off then, I’ve already abused my break time, and I’d rather not get scolded for an entire hour!” Dazai exclaimed as he stood up from Chuuya’s couch, stretching his limbs like a cat after taking a long nap. “Let me know what little Akutagawa says, Chibi!” He was about to step out of Chuuya’s front door when he was stopped.

“Don’t screw this up, Osamu.” Chuuya said, tone wary, his heterochromatic eyes darting eye contact. He wasn’t sure of whatever had happened ever since Dazai had left the Mafia, but whatever happened, it must’ve changed Chuuya a lot. He had the same look as Odasaku, the look of a parent…

“No promises!” He winked. As he closed the door, however, he muttered something else that Chuuya wasn’t able to hear; “ I’ll try my best, Chuuya .”

══════════════════

Dazai had come to the Mafia again today.

Akutagawa remembered when Dazai wasn’t nearby at all. For one, he was free- all but mentally. The chains bound him to the memory of that man probably until the day he dies, so the days where Dazai was simply that, a memory, Akutagawa had developed a new routine to entertain himself. Missions, killings, getting to know Chuuya, planting a bomb in a bank that one time (not his proudest moment), he wasn’t free but at least he was existing . But now that Dazai had come back into the view of the Port Mafia, things had been anything but peaceful.

Dazai’s witty remarks, Dazai’s silver tongue, Dazai’s sharp words that stung like a needle. Dazai this, Dazai that, Akutagawa couldn’t find any relief in his life with his ex mentor back in town. Especially not now. Akutagawa had made himself a fool! One dog bark later and suddenly Dazai was feeding him a bottle like- like he was a weakling! He wasn’t weak! And he especially wouldn’t let Dazai see him in such a state. 

So when Dazai had been coming day after day to Mafia territory, slipping around areas hoping to corner him and failing, Akutagawa finally began to catch on that Dazai wanted to say something about that day.

“Don’t you wanna talk to that Mackerel, Ryuu?” Chuuya had hesitantly asked him one day in the Ginger’s office, the elder Akutagawa sibling regressed and in tears. “I don’t think he means any harm, he knows he can’t touch a single hair on your head in Mafia territory.”

Akutagawa had shook his head, his hands clinging onto Chuuya’s shirt. “Dazai’ll be mean… I- I don’ want him t-to scold me…”

Chuuya sighed, rubbing the regressor’s head softly. “I won’t let him be mean to ‘ya, alright? I promise.”

Chuuya had done good upon that promise. He had walked with Akutagawa in the halls and shielded him if they were to encounter Dazai. But of course, that protection couldn’t last. Chuuya had a week-long mission out of state, one where he said he’d be back before Akutagawa knew it, and the past three days he’d done a decent job at defending himself from Dazai.

Well, at least that is what he convinced himself to believe. 

Just like usual, Akutagawa snuck into the hallway towards one of the few vending machines and casually bought himself a packet of cookies, hoping that sugar would wake him up from his dissociative state and allow him to go back to work. He watched in slight amusement as the coils spun around to release the packet of snacks, but before they hit the bottom of the machine-

“Heyo! Aku!” Akutagawa jumped, turning his body to the dark and empty corridor. The corridor he thought was empty until the detective’s slim shadow casually walked through. “I’ve been looking for you, y’know! I have been beginning to think that you were purposefully ignoring me.” Dazai wrapped his bandaged arm around Akutagawa’s shoulder, proudly grinning as if Akutagawa’s heart wasn't currently running miles per hour. 

Out of all times, in any situation, why now…

Akutagawa cleared his throat with a small cough. “U-uh- H-hello, Dazai…?” He mumbled, unsure of what to say as the taller man’s eyes peered down at him. He felt Rashoumon quiver into nothingness as No Longer Human nullified it, leaving Akutagawa defenseless with no words nor abilities. 

“Oh, come now, why so tense? I've known you since you were small and frail!- Well, smaller and frail-er , but I digress.” Akutagawa tried not to pout at Dazai’s comment, he distracted himself by looking over at the vending machine where he’d left his bag of cookies. Dazai either must've sensed his discomfort or seen his gaze, because he let go of the younger man’s shoulders and crouched, taking the packet into his hands, opening it, and giddily chomping down on a cookie without a care in the world. Akutagawa, for some reason, felt a painful knot in his throat and tears sting in his eyes. 

Dazai tilted his head. “What’s wrong, Aku? You look so stressed, I thought you would've learned to take care of yourself by now!” Dazai shrugged with a sigh. 

Akutagawa didn't react.

“You look thinner than last time I saw you, which was, like, two months ago if you don't count this week? I thought Chibi would have fixed you all up-”

Shut up…

“-especially since he’s your ca -”

“Shut up!” Akutagawa pushed Dazai back with his hands, his eyes filled with tears that threatened to spill any minute now. Dazai, for once, didn't have any playful comeback. Instead, his eyes went wide, the rest of his features soft. “W- why are you here?! Hasn’t it been clear to you that I do not wish to see you right now?” He stammered, his mind already twisting and turning, the ringing in his ears growing louder and quieter then louder again. 

“Why not?” Dazai tilted his head, as though he had no idea what Akutagawa was referring to. “Why do you not want to see me? I’m a little hurt, I must say!-“

“B-because I’m still- still weak , and I can’t bear the thought of facing you in-in this state-!”

“What state, Ryuunosuke?” Dazai’s words chilled the mafioso down to his toes. When he didn’t respond, Dazai spoke up once more. “What state, eh? The one where your head feels like a whirlwind of emotions you can’t decipher? The state of mind where you feel less in control of your emotions? Is it the state where you feel smaller ?”

“N-no- I- I don’t-“

“Aiya, Ryuunosuke, don’t you get it? ”

He didn’t, he truly didn’t!  

Akutagawa didn’t dare speak, for he knew that if he did, his own body would betray him. Dazai’s words shot at him like arrows in his non-existent heart, each one tugging and pinching at every inch of his vulnerable spots. 

He felt his eyes prickle with the sensation of needles, and his sensitive throat tighten like all the hydration had been sucked out. It hurt to breathe, every inhale making his teeth chatter anxiously. “ Small ”, that was everything he was not feeling- everything just felt so big and so numb , he couldn’t feel his fingers but he could feel the shiver that ran down his thin arms. His shirt collar felt suffocating, similar to how Dazai’s words had him on a chokehold. Not because they were insulting, but because they were true .

“Ryuunosuke?” Dazai’s face suddenly softened. But when he raised his hand, Akutagawa flinched backwards, his eyes wide, forcing Dazai to lower it back down. For a second, Akutagawa could describe Dazai’s expression as one of pity, maybe even guilt, but those thoughts faded away as soon as they formed. 

Dazai? Guilty? What a joke…

“Ryuu…” He could barely hear Dazai’s words though the thumping of his heart, but suddenly he was all too aware. “I’m not going to hurt you, okay? Can I… touch you?”

Akutagawa struggled to form an answer, so he nodded instead. Shutting his eyes in preparation for a slap to the cheek or a punch to the face, he held his breath. The blood rush in his ears flowed quick enough that he missed the tone of Dazai’s voice, soft in a way Akutagawa had never heard before. 

He braced for an impact that never came. Instead, two hands cupped his face, caressing it softly. 

Every thought in Akutagawa’s head went silent. He opened his eyes to see not the teenager who had mentored him, not the man who taught him to kill. But someone completely new. 

“Don’t cry, Little Dragon…” Dazai cooed, wiping a tear Akutagawa didn't know had run down his cheek. He sniffled, more tears filing his eyes like a faucet he couldn't turn off. Dazai smiled, his eyes warm. “What’s with the waterworks? You're okay Ryuu, c’mon, tell me what’s going on in that tiny little head of yours?” 

Akutagawa stifled a sob, his pride fading quickly to the point he felt like he could almost let himself cry in front of Dazai. Dazai wasn't upset… In fact, he looked almost relieved that Akutagawa was being… weak…

He was never young in front of Dazai, he was expected to handle the weight of an adult at the age of 14. So why was Dazai allowing him to act in such a way… And why now?…

The fact that Dazai wasn’t upset at this was probably way worse.

Ever so slowly, with a gentleness he hadn’t felt from the man before, Dazai’s arms wrapped themselves around Akutagawa’s body, one hand on his back and the other behind his head, gently leading it to his chest almost in a protective way. And Akutagawa let him, he let himself cry in the arms of that man, all while Dazai soothed him with sweet nothings whispered in his ear. Calming words, protective words.

“You are strong, Ryuu. And… I apologize for not saying it as often as I should’ve…” Dazai petted his hair, his fingers running through his messy hair. It smelled like children’s shampoo. “But you don’t have to act strong all the time, Baby… I can- no, I want to protect you. I know I don’t deserve it, but-“

“Please…” 

Dazai turns to face Akutagawa with wide eyes before enveloping him in another hug, arms protectively wrapped around the younger male all while Akutagawa simply holds onto him like a lifeline, his tears staining his brown coat.

They don’t say anything for some time, they simply take in the presence of the other. Two broken men brought together by trauma and bloodshed, a single moment where the two don’t have to hold the weight of the world in their hands and a moment where they can just coexist for the very first time. 

It’s when Akutagawa begins to calm down when Dazai finally decides to pick him up almost effortlessly, with the younger, frailer man clinging onto his neck and waist like a baby koala as Dazai wobbles across the hallways (yes, he gave Akutagawa his cookies back, he figured he could nibble on them while he doesn’t have his pacifier). 

When they reached Chuuya’s office, Dazai had to hold back a lighthearted chuckle as Akutagawa whined while being put back down.

“Don’t worry, Kiddo, Dazai just has to get your emergency little supplies from ‘ya-‘ya’s office!” Dazai smirked while ruffling Akutagawa’s hair. How he knew that Chuuya kept an emergency regression kit, Akutagawa didn’t know nor was he old enough to care. He watched Dazai silently pick at the lock as he nibbled on a cookie, the door making a light click as it squeaked open. Dazai went inside and almost like second nature grabbed a briefcase with some little supplies, again, how did he know where it was Akutagawa didn’t know nor did he care. 

The brunette gave Akutagawa one of his loopy smiles before taking his hand and rushing them out of Port Mafia territory. It was true that Akutagawa couldn’t simply regress here of all places, sure Dazai was mean but not enough to make a four year old cry (at least he isn’t like that anymore). Hand in hand, Akutagawa having finished his cookies and now fiddling with the crinkly wrapper, Dazai led them down a normally empty street. He knew where to take them.

══════════════════

Akutagawa had been to plenty of the Detective Agency’s areas, but he didn’t know they had their own dorm building of sorts.

“There we go! C’mon, don’t be shy!” Dazai chirped as soon as he finished unlocking the door. As soon as Akutagawa entered, he was immediately hit with the smell of a scented candle, probably one containing cinnamon, Chuuya owned plenty of those. The room was smaller than his house, but it wasn’t as small as one might think. It was decorated in a cute way, with portraits of bunnies on the walls and a tapestry of a very familiar white tiger by the closet. There were two futons, one colored light blue with cloud patterns on it, and another with pink and yellow flowers all over it. It truly was very homey, whoever lived here definitely had made themselves at home. 

Dad told by Dazai, Akutagawa hesitantly sat down on the cloudy futon, feeling his knees sink into the fluffy covering as he did so. He squished it with his hands; it was so soft… If he were to lay down, Akutagawa was sure to fall asleep right then and there.

“Alrighty!” Dazai’s voice broke him out of his trance. “Let’s see what Chuu-Chuu prepared for you!” He sat down in front of the regressor with the open briefcase between them. There were some simple regressor supplies inside, such as two different pacifiers, a sippy cup, a bottle, a diaper, some wipes and, of course, some toys. Specifically a rattle in the shape of a cat, some sensory toys, and a medium sized dragon plush which Akutagawa immediately grabbed and held to his chest. Kyouyo had made him that plush as a “get well soon” gift during a pretty painful case of pneumonia, and he had considered it his fortune token since then on.

“Oya? I see the Little Dragon has a little dragon too! How cute!” Dazai squealed, taking a few supplies out of the case. Akutagawa whined, cheeks red, which only made Dazai snicker once more, ruffling his hair carelessly.

“By the way, Ryuu, May I ask how old you are feeling right now?” 

Akutagawa looked up from his plush, squinting his eyes as his probably-younger-than-four-year-old brain tried to pinpoint what age he felt. He was never good at identifying what age he regressed to, he’d usually categorize it as “small” or simply just “young”.

“Small…” Akutagawa mumbled awkwardly with a tilt of his head, looking down in slight shame as he had failed to provide Dazai with a specific answer. Dazai, however, didn’t seem to mind. He ruffled the little’s hair affectionately as he spoke.

“I see, I see!… So you’re itty bitty! Don’t worry, I’ll take care of you, my Little Dragon.” Akutagawa returned the smile at Dazai, the little nickname making his heart flutter like a butterfly covered in glitter. He hated how soft it made him feel, yet at the same time he had no energy to counter it. 

Soon enough, Dazai had changed Akutagawa into a spare shirt and shorts, laughing himself silly as he used some extra bandages as a makeshift pacifier clip. He also managed to get Akutagawa into a diaper, which Dazai considered an absolute win on his part. 

When Dazai stood up to get the regressed mafioso something from the fridge, that’s when it clicked to him just how small Akutagawa looked. He was twenty years old, but right now, he might as well be considered a child. Dazai knew better than anyone about Akutagawa’s upbringings, the kid had never gotten the chance to be a kid , so watching him right now, actual light in his eyes as he wiggles his toes and mumbled silent gibberish to himself, Dazai was filled with an overwhelming sensation. He couldn’t recognize it yet, but it wasn’t a negative sensation… Akutagawa always had the shadows darkening his face, forcing him in a monochrome world. But when he’s like this, against the sunlight, Dazai could almost see color within his sickly complexion. 

Akutagawa sat patiently on the futon, the dragon plush close to his face as he mumbled and hummed to himself, rocking side to side. Dazai always scolded him for stimming back in the day, or for having meltdowns or shutdowns, but right now his mind was in a bliss. like he could stim as much as he wanted without getting punished. It was unfamiliar, but it was nice…

“Let’s see… Hopefully my cute little coworkers have listened to Kunikida and bought groceries!” Dazai hummed as he opened the fridge, scanning its contents for something for Akutagawa to drink. Through the containers of leftovers and occasional fresh produce, Dazai found a small bottle of apple juice, which he emptied to fill Akutagawa’s baby bottle with. 

As he walked back to the main room, he managed to catch Akutagawa in the middle of a baby talk conversation with his stuffy dragon. He held the dragon from under its two front legs, its snout close to his face as he wiggled the plush while babbling. When he caught sight of the detective, Akutagawa flushed red, but nonetheless motioned his hand to Dazai, as if he was wanting him to come back. 

“Here ‘ya go, Ryuu! Some nice and cold apple juice!” Dazai shook the bottle as Akutagawa went to reach for it. After two failed attempts, he finally got the bottle in his hands. It was cold against him, leaving water on his hands as he held it. He was thirsty, and the drink looked good, but…

 “What’s wrong, Little Dragon? Are you really too busy to drink a baba in front of me !?” Dazai gasped, placing a dramatic hand on his chest. Akutagawa rolled his eyes, that little trick wouldn’t fool him!…

Well, it didn’t fool him that much!…

It fooled him.

The taste of the sweet fruity juice was relieving to his normally sore throat, addictive even, when Dazai ruffled his hair and he blushed in embarrassment he simply couldn’t let it go. 

After a while he resigned to some quiet playtime. He wiggled his feet as he held the bottle in one hand and his plush in the other, meanwhile Dazai was crying to the gods while trying to brush Akutagawa’s hair. Taking care of a little was not easy, taking care of little Akutagawa definitely was harder. But hey, even the most tangled hair can become smooth once you take your time to gently brush it out. 

And oh boy was Akutagawa’s hair soft… Was that baby shampoo he smelled? It suits him.