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Chapter Text

There were a lot of players that Atsumu kept in touch with. His charismatic personality and ability to talk to basically anyone made his social network quite large. He has been pro for two years now, and fuck does it feel good. He knew in highschool that this was what he wanted, what he needed, but to actually have it? Amazing. His team is pretty good, it could be better. He knows the team managers are always looking at the rising talent for future years. He personally has his eye on Hinata and Sakusa. Hinata is still in highschool but could go pro from there, Sakusa is on a college team. Astumu hears they are pretty good, and watching a game or maybe two confirmed those rumors.

He fondly remembers training camp with Sakusa, they both as teens were still finding themselves, picking fights wherever they went and trying to show off. Those tendencies still lie under Astumu’s skin but the need to boast has quieted a lot, he would rather show what he can do than run his mouth. I guess I'm maturing, he thinks to himself and smiles.

The Jackals travel all over Japan for games and media events. A few times now he has found himself in Sakusa’s part of town and nearly gone through with texting him to meet up. He wants to see how the spiker is doing on a college team…and he also wants to show off what he can do to Sakusa.

It is one of those times, they have a game in town where Sakusa goes to school. All the way there Astumu plays with his phone, typing and retyping an opening message to say hi and maybe…see each other? God it seems so lame. ‘Hey, long time no see, we both still ball, want to ball together?’ Astumu closes his phone with finality, nope, not worth the potential humiliation. Especially when he pictures Sakusa’s critical eyes over a mask. Nope.

The game goes well, really well. They take it in the first two sets. Media is interviewing Atsumu after the game, they have him up against the wall, lights trained on him while they ask filler questions about how far the Jackals will go this season. His spine prickles with the knowledge that he is squeezed into this tight space. He kind of loves the attention, he knows he looks good in the spotlight, and he uses his natural charms to dazzle, pushing that spike of fear back into its box.

He is answering some boring questions about his teammates when he sees a flash of neon green. Ugh how garish, he thinks, but that color sparks something in his fingertips, it is familiar. Mid answer, he does a double take and looks again, and there he is, in that horrible highschool jacket, old habits die hard I guess.

“Excuse me” Astumu says and bows quickly, ducking out from behind the camera to chase him down. Sakusa was still walking towards the exit. Atsumu jogs and pushes a few people to get through. Once he is right behind Sakusa he hesitates.

They haven't spoken in nearly two years, and they were never pals, just, rivals who pushed each other to be better. Sakusa is here for school, I doubt he wants to see me…wait a second he was at MY game. He wanted to see me. A grin breaks over his face and he taps the man walking in front of him on the shoulder.

The man turns quickly, narrowed eyes glancing back, already spitting out an insult “watch it y--...Miya?” Sakusa looks very surprised, eyebrows lifting to be partially hidden by long curly bangs. The crowd keeps pushing on them and Sakusa flicks his wrist towards a nearly empty hallway. They depart from the swarm and find themselves almost alone.

“Hey Omi-Omi” Astumu says with a bright smile on his face “Did you enjoy the game?”

Sakusa's eyes drift over Atsumu for a moment, taking him in, and replies “Yes.”

Still a man of few words, Atsumu rolls his eyes and leans against the wall. “I hear you still play Omi-kun”

“Please don't” Sakusa drawls, eyes glancing at the exit.

Not on my watch, Astumu thinks, “I'm in town all weekend, can I come to a practice? I think since we are in different leagues it should be okay”

Sakusa looks startled again. He rubs his fingers together, a nervous habit Atsumu noticed back at All Japan training camp. “I don't know, I'd have to ask…”

Atsumu continues to lean and places his hand on his hip “ask away Omi, I want to see you play”

Sakusa’s mask has always been highly efficient covering most of his face at all times. Now it is no different, but if Astumu wasn't mistaken, it seems like there is a tiny amount of pink color right where his nose starts to show. Astumu's smile grows, “I want to see how you've improved these two years, you got to see how I improved.”

Sakusa eyes him coldly, a mean twinkle in his eye “You'd call that improved?”

“Ah! Don't be like that, you know I'm better than I was in highschool!” Atsumu feels himself lose his cool for a second, feeling like he is again 16 and needing to puff up his chest. “I'll show you a set so damn good you'll be dropping school to join the Jackals.”

They both pause at that. And Atsumu realizes what he has let slip, that he thinks about Sakusa joining his team.

Sakusa hums, enjoying seeing the other one flustered “I'll text my coach and let you know.” He turns and starts towards the exit, “Bye Miya” he raises his hand half heartedly as he walks away.

Atsumu stands there for a moment wondering how he started with the upper hand, tapping Omi on the shoulders, surprising him, to accidentally spilling his fantasy team desires…

He blinks a few times at the now clearing exit, and turns to the locker room. He's not sure if he even wants Sakusa to text him the answer.

…

That night
From Omi-kun: Coach said yes, come tomorrow at 9am.

Atsumu is excited, despite his mixed feelings earlier. He shoots back a confirmation text, trying his best not to overdo it and get uninvited.

From Omi-kun: Some of the other guys are…fans. Be weary.

From Atsumu: I know how to handle my fame, don't worry OmiOmi.

From Omi-kun: Please don't call me that.

Atsumu leaves it at that. The team is out drinking, knowing that they have tomorrow off. Atsumu switches to water, knowing he is going to need to flaunt his stuff tomorrow morning.

He smiles down into his cup until a teammate catches him and starts punching him in the shoulder, asking who the lucky gal is.

“Oh shut it! I can't be happy we kicked but today?” Atsumu nails him back in the bicep.

That's why he's smiling. Endorphins from the game, endorphins from winning, endorphins from…nope. Endorphins are from winning.

…

Damn this is a big school, Atsumu thinks as he turns the map around in his hands. Uh…he looks up, this is the library, and that puts the gym complex…over there! He changes course and checks his time. Shit is already 9:15, why is this school so damn big?

He starts jogging and finally makes it to the correct building. It's pretty big for a college gym. He steps into the foyer and changes his shoes to his practice sneakers. It's here where Sakusa finds him, stepping into the doorway and quietly laughing at how it's obvious Astumu ran here.

“Lost Miya?” The gravelly voice pulls Atsumu’s attention to the doorway, to see a maskless, smirking Sakusa.

“Yeah, you didn't say your school was so big, Omi, it's like a town!”

Sakusa only cocks his head to the side slightly and waits for Astumu to finish.

Once ready Sakusa begins to lead him in, “Again, I warn you, some are fans” he says dryly, like he can barely stand the idea of someone knowing Atsumu’s name.

Atsumu walks in to see two nets set up and a large team. Some are in a practice game, the others are practicing drills. Sakusa enters and…does nothing, he doesn't introduce Atsumu, he just keeps walking towards the practice court. Well this is awkward…Atsumu’s steps falter and then he hears “Miya Atsumu!” He glances over to see the voice’s owner, “Iwaizumi-san! I didn't know you were here!” Iwaizumi walks over and gives Atsumu a clap on the back “Hajime will do.” He says quietly and then calls out to the team, “Miya Atsumu made it, come greet our pro guest”

Atsumu makes introductions and promptly forgets nearly everyone’s name. Hajime is still by his side and Sakusa is off somewhere, “So what do you want to see?”

Astumu thinks, he wants to see Sakusa play, wants to set to him, but he doesn't want to make it super obvious who he is watching… “Practice game, you, me, Sakusa, vs three others?”

“Got it!” Hajime replies and begins to collect three contenders. Atsumu swivels his head, searching for that mopey face when he sees beauty itself. Sakusa is midair, spine flexed back , arm bent limply behind his head, and suddenly the arm snaps like a whip and the ball slams onto the other court. “Fuck” Atsumu hears himself breathe out. Sakusa lands and stands there, like he didn't just rock Atsumu’s world.

Hajime calls across the court to Sakusa and Atsumu to start their match.

…

Atsumu has always kind of gotten off on the control he has in volleyball. Not in a sexual way…mostly…but more in like a, it feeds his ego way. He loves that every successful spike was in his hands first, he loves that feeling of watching the ball perfectly arc into his spikers path, and he loves watching his spiker’s body snap like…wait. Atsumu shakes his head and watches the ball slam down onto the opponent's side.

“That one good Omi?” It was, he knows it was, he watched it fly right into his hand.

Sakusa thinks for a moment and then says “I can go higher.” Oh this Atsumu has to see.

The next set he puts a touch higher and watches Sakusa match it perfectly.

Upon landing, he gives Sakusa a meaningful look to which he replies “Higher.”

Atsumu sets it a little higher and watches that perfect form fly up to meet it. Atsumu has a moment where he doesn't feel like the one in control, he's not getting the ball to Sakusa, Sakusa is flying to reach the ball. This spike goes right over the block.

Feet back in the ground, Atsumu is given a scorching smirk, “Not used to setting so high?”. Atsumu feels his ears burn, the bastard is taunting him. His brain feels wrapped in a knot. Growing up with a twin brother Atsumu has never been at a loss for a comeback, but, in this moment, his mouth is empty. He catches the ball, and stalks back to serve without a word.

They take the set easily. The other players are good, but it is obvious that Sakusa and Hajime are in a league of their own. I wouldn't mind having either of those powerhouses on my team, he thinks idly as he sips some water.

Practice is over, Atsumu helps them pack up despite nearly every team member telling him to stop. But old habits die hard, after practice you clean up, simple as that.

He finds himself in the locker room with the team, showering and dressing. It's here that Atsumu gets cornered. Two freshmen stand on either side of him grilling him about various Jackal players, and highschool tournaments. Atsumu tries to answer, but as soon as half of a response comes out another question is thrust forwards. The overlapping voices and demanding tones, all while he is in a towel is a bit much.

Suddenly a dark presence makes itself known behind Atsumu and the two freshmen freeze. “Didn't we talk about this?” Sakusa drones, bored.

The two scamper away and Atsumu lets out a sigh of relief. “Thanks Omi, I thought they were going to eat me”.

Sakusa gives him an appraising look up and down, “Get dressed.”

Atsumu laughs as he pulls a shirt over his head “Getting overwhelmed by this hot body?” He jokes.

“I'll be in the foyer” Sakusa states and leaves the locker room.

Atsumu hurries to finish and makes sure to steer clear of those two freshmen. He exits the locker room and sees Sakusa standing in the corner, grimacing at his phone. “You're going to get wrinkles Omi”

Sakusa raises his head and scoffs.

“So…” Atsumu says awkwardly. He came and did what he wanted to do, guess it's time to go back to the hotel and-

“Want coffee?” The offer surprises him. Atsumu takes a second to make sure he really heard that…from Sakusa.

“Uh, yeah, sounds great, have a place?”

Sakusa nods and leaves the gym.

Guess I'll follow, thinks Atsumu. He walks a pace or two behind, and realizes that Omi looks bigger. Not like he grew much, but that his posture and stance is bigger, or more confident. The thought ‘suits him’ flits across Atsumu’s mind and he jogs a pace to catch up and walk side by side.

…

Atsumu is determined to make sure there is no awkward lull in the conversation. He is confident that with his social skills he can keep the flow going.

“So what are you studying here?”

“Sports sciences”

“Oh yeah? Do you like it?”

“It's fine”

Atsumu bristles a little, Sakusa could at least try a little. I'm not even going to sip my coffee at this rate.

“Why college then? If it's just fine?”

At that Sakusa pauses, “My parents were adamant that I get a degree. This school has a fine enough volleyball team to keep me sharp.”

“Watch out Omi, don't let your team hear you say that.”

Sakusa’s mouth forms a straight line, and he thinks for a moment and then finally says, “why?”

“Well, you called them fine, that's not exactly a praise.”

“But they are fine enough to keep me good, that is plenty fine”

“Haha, I agree, but you still shouldn't say it”

A second after he has said it, Atsumu realizes how his agreement could be interpreted. Sakusa picked a school that was good enough to keep him trained, because he is the best, and he is the standard, that being good enough for him is good enough, and Atsumu just agreed.

Atsumu sips and then coughs it back out, hot hot hot.

He grabs napkins to wipe it up and hears Sakusa moving in front of him, God he is probably so grossed out, he's probably going to go ask the cafe for industrial cleaner and spray it right in my mouth.

When he gets most of it cleaned up he collects the tissues into his hand and goes to stand, and he finally catches sight of Sakusa who is...laughing?

Atsumu pouts, but is glad his version of things isn't playing out instead.

Atsumu disposes of the napkins and takes the wet wipe Sakusa hands him and wipes down the whole table. This is not going great, Atsumu thinks.

“How many years are left in your program?”

“Just one more semester, I did an accelerated track”

“Smarty pants Omi! What will you do after?”

Here Sakusa pauses, “I'd hoped to go pro”

That sentence makes Atsumu’s heartbeat fast. Excited. He might play Sakusa again on the court. Someday soon.

“Yeah, I've been putting in applications at various teams to show intent.”

Then a thought bursts into Atsumu's head, “The Jackals? Is that why you went to see our game?”

“Hmm, yeah” Sakusa gives him a pointed look, one Atsumu doesn't understand, “to see if you were strong.”

“Well?”

“Strong enough.”

“So you applied?”

Sakusa nods. Now Atsumu’s heart is really racing. It could really happen. Sakusa on his team. Setting spikes to those wicked wrists every day. Breathe, breathe.

“Do you have a top choice?”

“Not yet, still checking everything out” again that unreadable stare pins Atsumu to the chair.

Sakusa checks his watch and sighs, “And it all hinges on me actually getting my degree. I'm sorry Miya but I have to go”

“No problem Smarty pants Omi” Atsumu says sipping his now regular temperature coffee.

Sakusa stands, his fingers rubbing together on either side of him. He makes eye contact one last time and turns on his heel, “Bye Miya” he says over his shoulder, one hand half raised.

Atsumu breathes a sigh of relief. Man that guy is kind of intense, like in an almost spooky way, makes my heart race. Makes me want to figure out what all his buttons are, and then see him break that apathetic facade.

Atsumu blinks at his own thoughts, weird, and then goes back to sipping his coffee.

…

Chapter Text

Atsumu doesn't date. But not for lack of trying. It used to frustrate him, but now he has come to a weird kind of peace with it. He can't stay in a relationship. It's always him who breaks it off.

It's hard to pinpoint the exact moment, but there is always that moment, and Atsumu bolts. He tries to explain afterwards that it has nothing to do with the person he's dating…but no ex’s want to hear, ‘it's not you it me’ even if it's true.

Atsumu still messes around, he has to get his kicks somewhere. They are all one night stands, never to be seen again. It's not that Atsumu wants it to be this way, it's that it has to be this way. He can't keep trying to date just to break people’s hearts. It's not fair to them. Or him.

Whenever he starts to feel lonely, that big loneliness where he starts to think, maybe I'm ready, maybe I'm ready to try again, he does spiking drills instead. When he starts to long to hold someone’s hand, to have gentle mornings to wake up together, he practices spikes. When he wishes he had someone he could tell his secrets to…he cries.

Months after their coffee meeting, the Jackals receive news, a new player will be joining them. And Atsumu knows, he knows before the name is even uttered. Omi.

…

Atsumu is midway through changing into practice gear when his phone vibrates. He glances down and sees “Omi-kun”.

Atsumu picks up “Hello Omi”

“Miya.”

“Uh…do you need something?”

“I'm lost.”

“No kidding! After you gave me shit for getting lost at your school?”

“A city is objectively bigger than a school.”

“Okay okay, where are you?”

“Um. By a KFC?”

“Okay stay put, I'll meet you there”

“Miya you don't hav-”

Astumu has already hung up and is pulling his street clothes back on.

“Everything okay?” Bokuto asks.

“Yeah I just have to escort his highness Sakusa to practice”.

Atsumu jogs lightly down the street and thinks “Can't keep prince Omi waiting” while chuckling to himself.

He rounds the corner and sees him. Sakusa is standing, hunched over, hands pulling at his sleeves, by the KFC. He has pushed himself as flat against the wall as possible. Astumu feels his mouth smile, he slows down and walks up to Sakusa.

He goes and stands against the wall next to Sakusa, making himself known without making a scene, “Sir Omi” he greets.

Sakusa turns, a wild look in his eye “What?”

“Oh nothing. I'll show you the way. Ready?”

Sakusa nods. They start walking and Astumu thinks. Sakusa looks strung out. Atsumu remembers his first day going pro, it was full of excitement, and if that energy hadn't been purely positive, it could have easily turned into nerves.

Before he can check himself he asks “You nervous?”

“Should I be?” Sakusa asks instead of answering, shooting a quick glance at Atsumu.

“Nah, it's a good team, you already know some of them…or at least they know you”

The streets are crowded so they walk pretty close together. Anytime someone nearly bumps into Sakusa he flinches.

“Walk behind me”

“What?” Sakusa seems angry

“It's crowded, walk behind me, I'll clear the way.” Atsumu tries to keep his tone matter of fact, not wanting to anger Sakusa more.

He hears a grumble and then the man is behind him. Atsumu feels a gentle hand on his bicep, keeping them close together but not so close they will collide if Atsumu stops short.

They walk the rest of the way in silence until the sidewalk clears and Sakusa steps to walk side by side again.

“Well, here we are! You just had to go down one more block past KFC, that street is tricky because it lost its road sign a while back.” Atsumu has pulled the door open and waits for Sakusa to walk through.

Sakusa stays standing on the sidewalk for a moment, fingers rubbing together, mouthing something quietly. Atsumu blinks and before he realizes, Sakusa is stepping inside.

“I'll give you the grand tour,” Atsumu announces.

“No thank you” Sakusa continues to walk with purpose, straight into the labeled locker room.

Chapter Text

Sakusa still has one of the heaviest and fastest spikes Atsumu has seen. But he also seems stiff. It is still his first day, Atsumu figures he wasn't at his peak performance his first day too.

One of the fun parts of being a setter is learning your spiker. There are so many factors that go into sending the perfect set. Height, distance from net, spin, angle, speed. And now there is someone brand new who he gets to discover.

Atsumu watches closely, watches his understudy set to Sakusa. Man, he really can jump. Sakusa puts a lot of flex into his spine, using his whole upper body to hit the ball. He is able to match where the sets go, he is quick like that, but none of the sets seem…right. He is watching intently when his coach comes and bumps him on the shoulder “Happy with our pick?”

“Yeah. Coach, watch this” he points to Sakusa who is about to take off “the sets are good but he still seems…stiff?”

His coach bumps him again, “It's his first day, let him warm up before you critique you monster”

Atsumu is alone again, still watching. It wasn't a critique, he thinks, more like, trying to puzzle something out.

Over the next week of practices, the more he watches, the more sure Atsumu gets. Sakusa doesn't trust sets.

Even off the court Atsumu finds his mind wandering to the topic, trying to tease it apart. He had never noticed before at training camp or in games against Sakusa. Is it just because he is new? He thinks back to their coffee day, how it felt like Sakusa was jumping to the ball rather than the ball coming to him.

And then the thought hits him. Right now Sakusa isn't even hitting at his full potential. If he can come to trust the sets, trust that they will come to just the right spot, all that energy can just go into hitting the shit out of the ball. A shiver goes down Atsumu's spine. He can hit even harder.

The thought thrills Atsumu. Part of his ego loves pulling the absolute best out of his teammates, making their journey to the kill as smooth as possible. Then his stomach sinks. Sakusa is prideful. Atsumu isn't going to be able to just casually bring up his lack of trust, it would all backfire spectacularly. This might take some careful maneuvering.

…

It didn't take long for Sakusa’s antics for cleanliness to get noticed, and now all away games have Atsumu and Sakusa rooming together since they “know each other already”. It seems like a stretch but Atsumu isn't bothered by the other man’s prickles. He tries to keep clean after himself, he can't piss off his star spiker before the match even begins.

They got here late in the night, with the game tomorrow afternoon. Atsumu settles in, laying on his stomach on his phone when he hears Sakusa grunt from the other bed. Atsumu looks over and sees Sakusa contorted, reaching his arms back and forth rhythmically.

“You alright?”

“Yup.” The answer is clipped and the arm motions continue. Atsumu returns to his phone until he hears “fuck” groaned out. And that makes his stomach do a flip.

“Okay out with it” Atsumu demands.

“I'm having a back spasms”

“Do you need any h-”

“No.” Sakusa cuts him off, still moving his arms. Sakusa bites his lip and groans, “yes, please it won't stop”

Atsumu hops onto the other bed and lays his hand on the other’s clothed back, “Here?”

“Lower” Sakusa bites out, Atsumu adjusts his hand to the mid-back and Sakusa gasps out “yes, there”.

Atsumu starts rubbing, using the heal of his palm to push in deeply. His hand slides over the shirt a little and it's hard to get the right friction to actually help.

“Omi…”

“Yes take it off” every word sounds like a fight, he has never heard Sakusa in pain like this.

Atsumu pushes the shirt up, not taking it off, but is immediately able to find the spot on his back that is lightly spasming and starts rubbing hard. Sakusa groans and leans over, giving his back to Atsumu.

Atsumu can see other parts of Sakusa’s body twitching in pain. Fuck.

Sakusa lets out a gasp and points to his bag “I have pain cream, it helps”

Atsumu hops off and grabs it. Without thinking he opens it and is about to dip his fingers in when Sakusa says “Stop.” With a shaking breath he says “wash your hands”.

For the amount of pain he is in…to still ask Atsumu to wash his hands first…the germ thing must be pretty serious. Atsumu all but runs to the bathroom, counts to 20 while washing and runs back. Sakusa is still bent over, taking deep quick breaths.

“Okay?” Atsumu asks.

“Do it” Sakusa responds.

Atsumu rubs the lotion into his back, still pressing hard to massage the muscle into relaxing. He can feel tissue shuttering under his fingers, and the heat from the cream is warming up his skin.

With time Sakusa’s breathing becomes more regular and he is quiet under Atsumu.

“Does that…does that happen a lot?” he asks, still rubbing.

Sakusa is quiet for a few seconds, “No. I skipped stretching this morning, and then the long bus ride. I knew better.”

Atsumu is quiet. He also didn't stretch this morning and he also rode the bus, but he's never had a back spasm like that before….

“Is it a previous injury?”

Sakusa lets out a huff, “No. EDS.”

Atsumu is quiet, wracking his brain to remember what EDS is…

“The uh, flexibility thing?”

“Yeah, flexibility is a by-product of EDS. Basically nothing in my body is as ‘stiff’ as it is supposed to be, everything is too loose, and if I don't stay on top of stretching, stuff like this can happen, where something shifts out of place and my body’s connective tissue isn't strong enough to pull it back.”

Another moment of quiet, “This is really helping…thank you”

“Of course Omi” Atsumu’s brain is begging him to add on some comedic relief, all the options flood his brain “you can do me later Omi”, or “you even got freckles back here Omi”, or “Damn your muscles are tight Omi” wait maybe that last one isn't actually funny…

But in the end he keeps it short and sweet. He knows Sakusa is feeling vulnerable, no need to push it.

Eventually Sakusa pushes himself upright again and stretches out his neck.

“I can keep going, it's no problem, I have strong hands”

“I'm going to take a bath.” Sakusa stands up and goes into the bathroom, closing the door behind him.

Atsumu moves himself back to his bed and lays on top of the covers. Did he just give Sakusa a back massage? It was definitely needed, the guy was in a ton of pain but…Atsumu has never done that before to a friend, usually his massages are leading somewhere much, much different. He forcefully pushes that thought out of his mind as he listens to the water in the bath run. It's a soothing sound.

…

Atsumu wakes to a bright room and something is on top of him. His pulse jumps and he pushes himself upright faster than he should. Sakusa is standing above him, dressed, hair wet, holding the edge of a blanket that he had just draped over Atsumu. Sakusa looks shocked, eyes round, mouth hanging open. Atsumu’s heart is beating in his ears. It was a blanket.

“Sorry, I was just, you fell asleep, and it's cold and…” Sakusa looks flustered, like he is trying to cover up a mistake.

Atsumu takes a deep breath. Just a blanket. “Thanks Omi, I was just starting to feel cold in my dream” he smiles and pulls the blanket over him more.

Sakusa blinks down at him “okay…” he turns to shut off the light and climbs into his own bed.

“You going to be able to play tomorrow? Without hurting yourself?” Atsumu asks quietly into the dark room.

“Yes. I'm no stranger to pain.”

That gives Atsumu pause, as he curls into the blanket, he thinks “neither an I”.

…

After waking up like that Atsumu has trouble getting back to sleep. He hears Sakusa snoring softly and that helps a little. It just feels like his body won't shut up, his limbs feel like they want to move and his heart won't stop thumping. Usually he would put on some white noise from his phone to fall asleep but he didn't bring headphones.

He turns over again. Fuck I need to sleep. His bed is starting to feel hot. He sits up. This energy has to go somewhere. He pulls on shoes and a jacket and leaves the hotel room. He jogs, careful to not stray too far in a new city. It feels good to put his increased heart rate to use, get tired you little fucker, he thinks. The cold air is hitting his lungs and calming him down. Good. As he runs his mind wanders. He thinks about the bus ride and the beautiful views they saw, getting to the hotel and claiming rooms, rubbing Sakusa’s back…he shakes the thought away. It was weird, but not too weird. I'll have to research more about EDS if I'm going to best support my spiker, he thinks.

Chapter Text

Sakusa Pov.

It's quiet in the room. I guess Atsumu finally fell asleep, Kiyoomi thinks. He cracks an eye open and sees an empty bed in front of him. He feels panic settle in his belly. Where is he?

Kiyoomi sits up and glances at the bathroom, no light on, door is open, no Atsumu in bed. His thoughts turn to the worst, fuck, Atsumu probably got freaked out after doing his back. It is an intimate thing, not something he ever lets anyone outside of family do.

He feels his breathing rate increase, I'm getting panicked, calm down. He rubs his fingers together and takes a moment to ground.

Fuck.

Kiyoomi lays down. He has had it bad for Atsumu for a long time now. The feeling started at the training camp, something about that half lidded, lazy accent, dishing out critique, did something to his heart. At the time he thought it was ‘rival’ feelings. But after watching Atsumu at the spring tournament…he knew it wasn't just rival feelings.

In the between times, Kiyoomi was able to put his budding feelings aside, focus on the more urgent life problems. However, despite being pushed down, the feelings persisted.

Those buds became something more when he watched Atsumu perform as a pro volleyball player. Fuck he is good. No matter how long or tough the match he never seems to get tired, his stamina is...incredible.

And there is something…hot about watching someone so in the zone. Atsumu is smiling midair as he sends a set to his ace. Kiyoomi’s gut clenches around the thought “I want that ''.

As Kiyoomi exits the venue he is lost in thought about a particularly deep lunge Atsumu took to manage a set, when he feels a tap on his shoulder. Don't fucking touch me his mind barks, something more mild comes out his actual mouth and it is stopped short by those dopey, half lidded, auburn eyes. Atsumu.

“Miya” he says.

A blinding smile is thrown back at him.

…

These memories and half baked feelings rush through his body as he tries to figure out what to do next. What are you supposed to do when your hotel roommate goes missing at 2am?

He glances at his phones, no messages. His finger hovers over the Miya Atsumu contact. He presses call.

“Hey Omi” the voice on the other end is raspy, breathing hard. The sound makes Kiyoomi’s stomach flip.

“Where are you?” Kiyoomi tries to keep his tone even.

“Jogging” more heavy pants come through the phone speaker.

“...Do you plan on sleeping tonight?”

“Yeah -arg - oh shit almost fell, yeah I just turned around, I'll be back in a few”

Kiyoomi feels his eye twitch at the idea of Atsumu jogging in the dark and twisting his ankle right before a game. Idiot.

“Hey Omi, why did you call me? Were you worr-” Kiyoomi hangs up.

Kiyoomi turns a lamp on and lays down. No need for Atsumu to make it back just to twist his ankle in the hotel room.

Atsumu returns, flushed, sweaty, and smiling.

Atsumu walks over to the bed and…lies down, sweat and all.

“Gross.”

“It's my bed, I'll do what I want” Atsumu mumbles into the pillow.

Sukusa turns out the lamp and hears a soft “G’night Omi”.

Sukusa hears Atsumu’s breathing regulate and then deepen. Man he really conked out after his run. Good. They are going to need Atsumu on his game tomorrow.

…

Light shines through the curtain, dimly illuminating the quiet room. Kiyoomi hears the shower running and sees that the bed next to his Is stripped. At least Atsumu has the decency not to sleep in a dirty bed twice. Kiyoomi starts to sit up and feels his lower back pinch. Shit. It was a bad one yesterday but he was hoping Atsumu and the pain cream would do the trick.

He reaches into his bag and pulls out a small knobbed back massager. He lays it on the floor and lays above it. It's not the best solution but it is a solution. He positions it over the pinch and starts pushing his back against it, trying to loosen the muscle.

The shower turns off and Atsumu walks out, clad only in a towel, drying his face and hair with another towel. He comes to a startled stop, seeing Kiyoomi on the floor below him. “Uh…Omi?”

Kiyoomi is embarrassed, but also kind of loving this view. From below the towel is only hiding the highest content, leaving lean muscled legs on display.

“My back is acting up a little, just working it out.”

Atsumu side steps him and starts to put clothes on. Kiyoomi keeps pushing against the massager.

Once Atsumu has pants on he says, “I could help again”.

That idea is tempting. Very tempting.

“You don't have to offer Miya, what you did last night was nice but you don't have to keep offering.”

Atsumu is quiet as he pulls on a shirt. “Don't mind Omi, I need you on your A-game…and like I said, I have strong hands, it will be a good warm up for me.”

Kiyoomi pauses. The massager is barely taking the edge off. He sits up. “Okay, just for a few minutes”.

Kiyoomi is already shirtless from using the massager so he just lies face down on the bed. He pushes his face into the blanket, knowing that he is blushing.

He feels the weight of Atsumu in the bed, and Kiyoomi realizes that there isn't a great position for Atsumu to do this from the side.

He feels Atsumu hesitate, trying to figure out a good position. Face hot, Kiyoomi mumbles “Just sit on me”.

“Eh? You sure Omi? I don't wanna make you uncomfortable.”

That causes a withering laugh to die in Kiyoomi’s throat, if only you knew, he thinks. He nods into the blanket and he feels Atsumu climb over him, straddling his waist, but not sitting down. He uses his powerful thighs to keep himself up, and he starts working his hands on Kiyoomi’s back.

Fuck. Kiyoomi holds in the groan his body wants to let out. So much better than the massager. Atsumu does have really strong hands, and he kneeds his muscles like they are dough.

“Here good?” Atsumu asks and Kiyoomi nods, face hidden.

Feels so good, the way that Atsumu's hands push and pull, he can feel the pinch loosening. It's so good, but not quite enough.

“Miya.”

“Yeah?”

“Can you go harder?”

“Eh? Omi? Any harder and I might break ya!”

Kiyoomi does laugh aloud at that. “You won't, promise.”

“Okay. T’ go harder Ima gonna have to sit down…”

“That's fine” Kiyoomi gives his best 'unimpressed and unaffected’ tone.

Atsumu gently sits down, his bottom on Kiyoomi’s upper thighs. Kiyoomi can tell that he isn't putting his full weight down.

“Miya.” He warns “Just sit”.

Atsumu lets out a small squeak at having been caught and sits his whole weight down. Kiyoomi kind of forgot he was a pro athlete, all dense muscles, he is heavy, but not too heavy. It is a reassuring weight…pinning him to the bed.

Atsumu gets to work, and fuck it feels so good. Kiyoomi can feel the tense cords in his back melting under his strong hands. As usually happens with a back spasm this bad, the particular spot that is tense travels a little. Kiyoomi feels the affected area move lower, down towards the base of his spine. This is good news, it moving means he is almost out of the woods…but it also means that Atsumu is massaging the wrong spot now.

Kiyoomi shifts a little, trying to move himself to the right spot.

“Should I stop?” Atsumu asks, so earnest.

“No, it's just, the spot is a little lower now”

“Here?”

“No, like the base of my spine, where it curves.”

“Here?” Atsumu’s hands are resting right above his pants elastic, at the divot in his spine.

Kiyoomi nods. Fuck his face feels so hot, like it's burning up, feeling Atsumu’s hands right there so low on his back. Kiyoomi’s is tensing up, trying to force his body not to respond…down there.

“Eh, Omi, relax, yer gettin’ all tense”

Kiyoomi takes a deep breath and tries to relax. Atsumu uses both hands, and pushes hard at the tough spot at the base of his spine and Kiyoomi groans.

Kiyoomi can hear the smirk in Atsumu’s voice when he says “yeah?”.

Kiyoomi doesn't respond with anything except another groan when two thumbs press down hard. Kiyoomi isn't sure he's ever felt so relaxed under someone else's hands like this.

He feels something shift under his skin, and then, a small release. The pain is much more manageable now. He sighs into the blankets and uses his hand to tap on Atsumu’s leg. Atsumu moves off of him and reaches for the cream, “Will this still help?”

Kiyoomi nods and stays laying down, while Atsumu washes his hands and then gently rubs the cream into his skin. The hands are so soft on him, almost feather light. Kiyoomi angles his head and peaks an eye open to see the man with hands on him. Atsumu continues to rub, even though the cream has sunk in, eyes half lidded, a soft smile tugging at his lip, eyes roaming up and down the back before him. Kiyoomi closes his eyes.

“How's that?” Atsumu murmurs.

“Mmm, good.” Kiyoomi feels warm, and not just from the heating cream. His heart feels warm, and safe, and happy.

Kiyoomi looks up and sees Atsumu looking down at him, a full fledged smile on his face now?

“What?” Kiyoomi grumbles

“Just never have seen you so relaxed…much better than you scowl! Oh there it is!”

Kiyoomi groans as he sits up. His back is definitely in better shape, he will play today. He will play because of Atsumu.

…

Atsumu is glad when Kiyoomi goes to take his shower. Because that was…different. Good different, but also weird. He steps into the hall and calls the only person who could understand

“Tsumu?”

“Hey Samu”

“What's up?”

“How did you know that you and Rin where more than friends?”

“Okay, just starting right off then. Um, it took us a while to figure it out, you know the whole thing.”

“No, how did YOU know?”

“Oh. It just sorta started with me thinking about him more than other people, and then those thoughts got…different”

“Different?”

“Yeah like kinda weird, but not bad, just different”

Sometimes it was annoying how Atsumu could rely on Osamu to just be on his wavelength completely.

There is a pause and Osamu dares to ask “Who is it?”

“Oh. Um, Sukusa? Maybe? I just gave him a really intense backrub…he was groaning…”

“He let you WHAT?”

“It's weird right? Like not normal teammate stuff…”

Osamu is sputtering on the other end of the line, still reeling from the idea that Sukusa let Atsumu lay hands on him. “I…you…but…yeah. Yeah that's weird.”

“Shit.” Atsumu says, he realizes that he has been stalking up and down the hotel hallway.

“Do you…enjoy it?”

“...yeah,” he answers quietly, “it was nice to see him relax and not be in pain”.

“That definitely counts as a weird thought. You've got it bad.”

Atsumu curses again. “Okay. Okay thanks Samu. I should go back. Last time I left the room Sukusa called me, haha.”

“He…he called- you know what, nevermind, this is your journey, good luck Tsumu”

They hang up and Atsumu walks back to their room. The room that they share. The room that they might always share, since no one else wants to face Sukusa’s wrath. Shit. I've got to figure this out. He pushes the bubbling feelings down and flings the door wide open, “Omi! Ready for breakfast?” He plasters a smile on his face and doesn't take it personally when the response is a single scoff.

Chapter Text

After an awkward goodbye, and then both men turning in the same direction, they realized that they both go to the same bus stop to get home. It becomes an unspoken routine, waiting for the other to finish changing to go to the bus stop together.

Atsumu loves these quiet moments. It's more like how they are together when they are stuck in a hotel room, more friendly, less business.

As they walk, Atsumu is building up the courage to ask. Truly what is the worst Sakusa can do? It's still a daunting thought.

They reach the covered stop, and huddle inside to get out of the chilly wind. They usually have about 5 minutes before one of their buses comes. It's a good time. If they conversation goes south I have an out.

“Omi, do you trust me?”

The answer is immediate “No.”

Atsumu shifts on his feet. “I mean on the court.”

Out of the corner of his eye he sees Sakusa’s fingers moving, rubbing together.

“You're reliable”

Despite the bored tone, Atsumu knows that this is basically praise.

Atsumu’s resolve is wavering. Dammit, I've made this man groan underneath me, I can say the thing I want to say.

“I ask because I'm pretty sure you can hit even harder.”

Sakusa's eyebrows knit together and Atsumu is 100% certain there is a scowl under his mask.

“Say more.” Is all that the dark haired man provides.

“Well, I've noticed that you, like, are really good at getting ta the set, like crazy good, but I wonder…if you like, trust the set, if all that energy could go inta the spike…”

Sakusa is looking right at him, with piercing eyes. A bus blows right by them since neither of the men stopped forwards. “Omi your bus!”

“There will be another.”

So much for the bus being an out. The other man continues to stare with intense focus, fingers moving.

“How?”

“What do you mean?”

“How can we get me to trust?”

Of all the scenarios that Atsumu played out in his head…this wasn't one he prepared for. He prepared for defensiveness, anger, being ignored…not…this.

“Shit, I dunno Omi, that's not exactly my forte”

Sakusa cocks his head at this but stays silent.

They are both quiet for a moment and Atsumu sees his bus down the line. He steps forwards and as the bus pulls up he looks back, Sakusa’s brows are pushed together. Atsumu calls back “We will figure it out. I always pull the best out of my teammates” and he boards the bus.

…

The nightmares have been bad. It seems to happen this time of year, mid-winter. Atsumu hates having his precious sleep interrupted, but hates the lingering feeling that follows him into his day even more. It's hard to focus and settle when your body feels like something happened last night.

It doesn't seem to affect his playing very much. As long as he consciously makes sure he doesn't increase his tempo for sets, all seems good.

Sakusa and him haven't followed up on their trust conversation, but Atsumu has been mulling it over. How does one come to trust? Does he count on and believe in his teammates? Yes, does he trust them? His gut says no, even though he isn't quite sure what the difference is.

They have a practice game using their teammates. Atsumu is pitted against his understudy, with Sakusa on the other side of the net. The game goes…fine. Atsumu can definitely play better but his brain is having trouble getting into the zone.

It felt like everything was lagging. His fingers, his eyes, his muscles, his brain. Even a momentary lag can be devastating on the court. He missed several receives that should have been easy, and his timing on serves was behind, resulting in balls that technically got over the net but with almost no power.

He's on the bench, thinking over his gameplay when he feels two heavy hands land on his shoulder. Then a deep voice is in his ear. He can feel the moment his brain freezes completely.

…

Atsumu feels water on his face. He hears someone talking. He also feels someone pushing him down and not letting him back up.

Chapter Text

Sakusa Pov

Kiyoomi might not trust but that doesn't mean he's not observant as hell. Atsumu is playing slow. The change is small, but it's there.

After the game he watches Atsumu out of the corner of his eye. If he's getting sick I need to stay the hell away. Atsumu is on the bench, towel around his neck, looking down at his fists as he clenches and unclenches his fingers. His eyebrows are pressed together like he is trying to solve a puzzle.

Their coach comes up behind Atsumu and leans over, placing hands on his shoulder to say something to him. Kiyoomi sees it. He watches it happen in real time. Atsumu…transforms into something he's never seen from the man before.

That puzzling face turns vacant, his eyes stare straight ahead at empty space. What the fuck. He looks like a prey animal that has to decide whether to bolt or submit. What the fuck is coach saying to him?

Before he realizes Kiyoomi hears his own voice call out “Atsumu!” Shit shit shit, that's the first time he's called him that instead of Miya. Atsumu doesn't seem to notice. Their coach fully stands and walks away from Atsumu.

In slow motion Atsumu stands too. He walks forwards, but not to Kiyoomi, to the locker room.

This is weird. This is beyond weird. Atsumu has never passed up an opportunity to needle Kiyoomi, especially over something like using his given name for the first time.

Kiyoomi waits a minute or two and then follows him. I'll keep my distance, in case it's some weird flu thing.

The shower is running in the locker room. Kiyoomi is pretty sure they are the only ones in here.

‘Miya?” He calls out, glancing around rows of lockers to see if he's there. Kiyoomi turns back to the shower and steps closer, “Miya?” He calls loudly. Still no answer.

Kiyoomi feels a sharp pang of panic in his stomach.

“Miya, just let me know you haven't gone and crack your head open in there!”

The only response is running water.

Shit. Kiyoomi fingers the edge of the curtain blocking his view. We change together, we room together, is nothing new, he braces himself and pulls the curtain to glance inside.

Kiyoomi feels his brain trying to play catch up, trying to understand what he is seeing. Atsumu is slumped into the corner of the shower, clothes on, water raining down over him. Atsumu’s eyes are open, but he doesn't look towards Kiyoomi.

What. The. Fuck.

Kiyoomi passes the curtain and enters the shower, he feels the indirect spray on his skin and it's cold. He turns the dial to warm it up and crouches by Atsumu, just out of the direct water.

Kiyoomi feels…scared. He's never seen Atsumu in anything close to this. It reminds Kiyoomi of his own panic attacks that used to plague him. Kiyoomi feels that the water has warmed and lets it wash over Atsumu for a moment, warming up what must be frigid skin and clothes.

He turns off the water, and the roar of the shower dilutes into slow drops onto the tiled floor.

“Atsumu” he whispers.

Atsumu remains still, except for a finger which twitches.

Kiyoomi bites his lip. If it is a panic attack what would help? Grounding of some kind. In the quiet, echoing space, he hears Atsumu’s high pitched breathing.

Kiyoomi’s fingers rub together as he starts to try and guide Atsumu’s breathing. He does so by demonstration, taking a loud deep breath in, holding it and then slowly releasing it back out. He sees Atsumu’s hand twitch and hears a stuttered breath. Kiyoomi breathes in deep again, and Atsumu tries. Atsumu’s breath is a lot shorter, and has a hiccup in the middle, “It's okay, try again,” Kiyoomi says gently, and models with his own breath. Atsumu tries again, and takes a deep shuddering breath in and immediately releases it. “Good, again.” Kiyoomi coaches and keeps breathing with him.

They breathe together, and slowly but surely life comes back to Atsumu. It seems like he gains some control of his limbs again, clenching and unclenching his fists. Atsumu closes his eyes and lays his head onto his bent knees, wrapping his arms around his shins.

Kiyoomi thinks he hears a sniffle. Please be crying and not contagious with some super flu.

“Atsumu” he says again.

Atsumu chuckles and with a cracking voice says “Is this what it took to call me by my damn name?”

Kiyoomi stays quiet. So many times he has been on the receiving end of being helped through an…episode. This is his first time paying the service back. Plus it being Atsumu, he really has no idea how to proceed.

Atsumu lets out a deep sigh, “Thanks.” Atsumu angles his head and peaks out at Kiyoomi.

“What did he say to you?”

“Who?” Atsumu’s head is up now, eyes a little red, and he genuinely looks confused.

“...Coach?”

“Oh that was nothin’, just somethin’ about my serves, which did suck today. I didn't get a single service ace.”

“Oh.” Kiyoomi is the one feeling confused now.

“It…it wasn't about what Coach said. I just got reminded of something. Thanks for helping me out of it.”

“Mmm” Kiyoomi hums, unsure of what words to say.

“Guess you paid back that favor, huh?”

Kiyoomi cocks his head to the side

“For your back.” Atsumu finishes quietly.

“Oh. I guess yeah.” Kiyoomi wants to thump him on the head. It wasn't about favors dumbass.

“I should actually shower.”

Kiyoomi realizes that he has been kneeling on wet, gross floor for some time now, and starts to pull himself up to stand.

“Me too. You going to be okay?”

“Yeah,” Atsumu breathes out “I always am in the end.”

Kiyoomi excuses himself from the small shower stall and walks over to his locker. His pants are wet at the knees and ankle, and it rubs against his skin with each step. He hears the shower resume behind him.

By the time Kiyoomi finishes his shower Atsumu is gone. Between the two of them, Kiyoomi never thought it would be Atsumu who broke their bus tradition first.

…

They have an away game that is close enough to bus to and from without staying the night. From their stints as roommates Kiyoomi and Atsumu fell into the habit of sitting together for the ride. They often sit in silence, Kiyoomi listening to an audiobook and Atsumu silently mouthing along to music.

For whatever reason Atsumu always runs hot. The times he has boarded the bus in pants he often has to strip partway through and change into shorts. Otherwise he is unbearable and harasses the bus driver about the air system. Kiyoomi suspects it might be the still air that drives him crazy because in larger spaces he doesn't get so upset.

Today he is wearing shorts preemptively. They settle into their routine places and each entertain themselves. The events from last week in the shower still weigh on Kiyoomi’s mind but there hasn't been a good chance or reason to bring it up. If Atsumu doesn't want to talk about it, that's his business.

What Kiyoomi does notice, are bruises. Bruises are nothing unusual in their line of work. Kiyoomi himself bruises easily and often has marks on his arms and around his knees. But Atsumu has that golden tan skin that doesn't purple easily. That's why it surprises Kiyoomi when he sees several bruises right along Atsumu's shorts hem. Kiyoomi glances at them curiously, running through his memory in search of a particularly rough play Atsumu might have made.

Atsumu shifts in his seat, rocking his body to an unheard rhythm as he mouths along. As he adjusts, his shorts ride up slightly and Kiyoomi feels his face go hot when he sees the yellow remnants of a large bruise high up on his thigh. Bar taking a spike straight to the thigh…it's hard to explain that.

Kiyoomi feels his hands itch, like he wants to do something. It's hard to imagine what could have caused the bruise…it's hard to imagine…someone hurting Atsumu.

Suddenly hands reach and pull the shorts down and Kiyoomi glances up to see that he's been caught staring. Atsumu quickly looks out the bus window, keeping his hands over the top of his thighs. Kiyoomi feels his face blush at having been caught, and turns his head away towards the aisle.

He feels dread and panic settle into his lower stomach. What is going on with Atsumu?

Kiyoomi knows that this is ridiculous, but it feels like he has to. He pulls out his phone and texts Atsumu.

“Hey”

Atsumu sees the text and looks over at him, their faces only a few inches apart. His expression is questioning and Kiyoomi wiggles the phone in his own hand, trying to say ‘Come on’.

Atsumu texts back “Hey”

“You're hurt.”

Kiyoomi hears a scoff

“You're one to talk, have you seen your arms?”

“I always bruise, you never do.”

He can see Atsumu biting his lip from the corner of his eye.

“It's not a big deal Omi”

“If it's not a big deal, how did you get them?” At that Atsumu jabs him in the side with his elbow.

Kiyoomi nudges him back, much more gently.

Atsumu wiggles his thumb over the keyboard, thinking.

“Volleyball”

“Stop lying”

Atsumu gives him a glare and then looks back at the phone.

“It's embarrassing”

At that Kiyoomi’s heart skips a beat, there are only a handful of things that seem to truly embarrass Atsumu.

It takes Kiyoomi a minute to type out his next question, knowing how loaded it is,

“Is someone hurting you?”

He hears Atsumu suck in a gasp.

“No! Nothing like that!”

“Why are they only in your thighs?”

Atsumu pauses now, fingers hovering over the screen.

“Easier to hide” finally comes the answer.

Kiyoomi’s face heats to what is probably a bright red. Oh. He knew Atsumu probably had people he messed around with, he’s hot and has a killer body. But it hadn't crossed his mind that the bruises were…consensual and wanted. The thought of Atsumu over someone’s lap, taking sexual punishment is too much.

Kiyoomi tries to back pedal
“Sorry I pried, it is none of my business what you do in your personal life”

Atsumu places his hand over Kiyoomi’s phone, a shocked look on his face, and says aloud “What do you think I'm talking about?”

“Uh, you, you're…personal life?”

Atsumu leans back and lets out a short laugh. “Oh Omi.”

Kiyoomi is so thoroughly turned around. He has no clue how to respond to first thinking Atsumu gets dominated and then being basically laughed at for thinking that.

“If it's not that….” Kiyoomi trails off.

Atsumu hums, looking out the window, stalling, with a hushed voice he says “Do you ever feel like there is too much inside of you?”

Kiyoomi stays quiet, not sure if Atsumu is actually looking for an answer.

“When I feel like that…I sometimes feel like I need to let off steam, and the normal things don't quite scratch that itch.”

“It's like, my hands get a mind of their own. So I try to keep it where folks won't notice.”

Atsumu lets that hang in the air, and as the words sink in, Kiyoomi understands. Atsumu self harms. His heart clenches around, beautiful, always smiling, always pleasant to be around Atsumu having hurt like that.

Now Kiyoomi’s hands have a mind of their own, and they reach out to wrap around the hand still laying on Atsumu’s leg.

He holds onto the other’s warm hand, gently, and gives a little squeeze, trying to say ‘I understand’.

Atsumu lets out a sigh and keeps looking out the window, biting his lip.

“Hot water,” Kiyoomi says.

Atsumu turns, one eyebrow raised “Hot water?”

“I use, well I used to use, hot water.”

Atsumu’s eyes widen a fraction.

“It took me a while to really stop. I haven't used it since joining the Jackals.”

“Omi,” Atsumu says gently. Their hands are still joined, and Atsumu maneuvers his fingers to be better interlaced, and gives a squeeze back, “thank you”.

Chapter Text

Atsumu is sweaty and panting. As always, Sakusa looks so calm and collected, just a little sweat on his brow as evidence of having just played 3 sets in a row.

“Nice kill” he says, still gulping for air. Fuck this is turning out to be a long game. The other team is nothing crazy, but their defense is so solid. Atsumu has stamina, but sometimes he misses playing with Samu, and getting to take small breaks and change the pace. He has set nearly every single ball for three rounds in a row. Needing to be constantly in the zone is starting to weigh on his mind, he can feel that his tank is nearly empty.

He leans his head back and looks up at the ceiling. Just a little more. Just need to get a few more through their defense.

He feels a hand on his elbow. “I'm good,” he says in response, still looking up. He knows his team can tell he is nearly done. The hand stays there and Atsumu pulls his head down. Dark eyes are trained on him. The hand on his elbow was in his hand just earlier today on the bus.

“I know.” Sakusa says in response “I wanted to tell you that I think I'm ready.”

“Ready? To win? Me too” Atsumu’s lungs feel overworked and a little raspy.

“No. To try and trust.” Sakusa gives him a beat to process. “Don't change the sets, keep going and help me take this game. Then we will talk.”

Of all the pep talks he was anticipating from any number of teammates, this was never considered. He feels his cheeks warm, and his heart starts beating even faster. Sakusa’s eyes are fierce, committed, ready. The whistle blows and they step away from each other to take their stances. Atsumu feels like Sakusa just injected him with something warm and strong. The exhaustion melts into determination.

He lightly punches his lower thighs, bringing the blood flowing, and yells “Bring it” as the other side serves.

They skate by and win, just barely, taking the minimum number of leading points to end it.

With the final call, Atsumu feels himself slide to the floor, legs finally giving out. With closed eyes he feels many different hands on him, slapping his back and ruffling his hair. For a moment, he soaks it in. The feeling of a caring and dedicated team, all cherishing the hard fought win.

He cracks his eyes open to see Sakusa, the spiker who took the final point, in front of him.

Atsumu opens his mouth “Nice k-” but Sakusa beats him to it, “Nice kill”.

Atsumu blinks in surprise. It's Sakusa’s way of acknowledging his hard work as the setter. Every kill can be traced back to the initial receive and then the set. Atsumu smiles, he can tell it's a dopey smile, like he can barely muster the energy to keep it on his face. He lets Sakusa pull him upright, and they line up to shake the other team’s hands.

In a daze Atsumu showers and dresses and finds himself back on the bus. Atsumu leans back in his chair and with half lidded eyes looks out the window at the passing view. Why was today's game so tough on him? He vaguely wonders if all the recent emotional events have caught up with him, the nightmares, and the shower incident and talking about his legs on the bus.

He feels his eyes being pulled shut. The man beside him is quiet, and Atsumu mumbles “hit me if I snore” and closes his eyes.

…

The world shakes and Atsumu’s eyes fly open. Still on the bus, which just hit a particularly nasty pothole. Still a little dazed he takes in his situation. He feels foreign curls of hair against his forehead, and his neck is angled horribly to the side. He lifts his head groaning and realizes that he was sleeping against Sakusa's shoulder.

“Eh, sorry Omi”

Sakusa doesn't respond, just glances at the waking man and points to the corner of his own mouth.

Atsumu blushes and rubs a collection of cold drool from his chin. Atsumu is surprised he hadn't been launched out of the window for drooling on the other man.

Atsumu checks his phone, only 30 minutes left in their trip. The sun is partially set and the sky is an explosion of color, painting everything in a tinted pink. He checks his notifications and sees a text from Bokuto, he looks and sees a picture of himself conked out on Sakusa’s shoulder while the dark haired man reads a book. Under the photo are three thumbs up emojis.

Atsumu sends back a confused emoji. He hears Bokuto laugh from across the bus aisle where he is sitting a few rows ahead.

Bokuto sends back a winking emoji.

Atsumu closes his phone and turns to Sakusa, “Do you have plans this evening? I'm starving.”

Sakusa closes his book gently and replies “No, want to split takeout?”

“You read my mind Omi-Omi!”

…

Atsumu feels like it is taking every fiber of his being to not tear into the food as they walk down the sidewalk. It smells so damn good, and his stomach is angry and loud.

They finally make it to Atsumu's apartment and he has to force himself to do all the little things before eating, like changing into slippers and washing his hands. They finally get settled at the kitchen island table, side by side, and Atsumu lets himself dig in.

“Careful you animal, don't choke, I never learned the Heimlich” Sakusa is eating like a normal person, with normal sized bites.

With some food finally in his belly he slows down and actually tastes the food. With his stomach no longer yelling, his brain can think, and Atsumu remembers what Sakusa told him on the court. He had said he was ready to try and trust.

Atsumu himself had been feeling like something was definitely shifting between them. Since the shower incident, and now today's talk on the bus, it felt like they were…closer. Closer in a way that scared Atsumu a tiny bit.

Swallowing his bite, Atsumu decides to take the plunge “So, you ready to try and trust my sets?”.

Sakusa nods slowly, chewing. When he swallows he says “Your sets, and you”.

Atsumu does nearly choke for a second. He coughs and clears his throat. “How?”

Sakusa takes his time answering, brows pulled together, “I've been talking with my therapist about trust,” Sakusa glances over, as if trying to see if Atsumu would react to this information. Whatever Sakusa finds must be okay because he continues, “And she has some ideas about it.”

“Okay” Atsumu responds, trying to encourage Sakusa to go on.

“She says trust isn't one sided. To trust someone you have to know them decently, and also feel like they know you…decently. And also feel safe with them knowing you.”

Atsumu nods, he's never really thought about it so deeply before but it makes sense. He would trust Samu with his life, and has at times. He knows Samu’s worst parts, and he knows Samu knows his…and they are still there for each other. Always.

Sakusa continues, “So to trust, I need to be…known.”

Atsumu understands what he is getting at. The two men know each other, but there is a lot that is held back, the hard, vulnerable stuff is held back.

“She suggested we do some…exercises.”

“Don't we already?”

“Mental ones, not physical ones”

Atsumu feels the implied ‘idiot’ in Sakusa’s tone, but he's thankful the man didn't actually say it.

Atsumu takes another bite, chewing to give himself time to think.

“This all makes sense, what would an exercise look like?”

“Atsumu,” Sakusa trails off for a moment, and Atsumu feels his body jerk a little, still not used to hearing his name from Omi, “Part of the process would be me getting to know you too, and I want you think about that, actually think about it. I know I kind of ambushed you on the bus today, but this would be…different”.

That does give Atsumu pause. It had felt hard, and shameful to have Sakusa there for his vulnerable moments. But afterwards Sakusa never acted like it was a shameful thing. Sakusa was trying to show him…that he was trustworthy, that he wouldn't do anything with the vulnerability that Atsumu shows.

But, Sakusa is right, those had been particular moments where he had been ambushed. To share those…things…while not up against a wall or in crisis…would be different.

“Can I think about it?”

“Of course,” Sakusa replies. “We can just start with trusting sets”

Atsumu nods, that would be good, he has been dying to give a really perfect set to Sakusa. Been dying to watch the moment Sakusa’s spike got even harder. Dying to feel that swirl in his stomach when he matches with someone perfectly.

After eating Sakusa departs and Atsumu is left with an aching body and a mixed up mind. He turns in early and feels various thoughts flit across his mind as he starts to fall asleep. He sees Sakusa’s strong back, arching under his thighs. He sees pale hands with long fingers wrapped around his own. He sees dark eyelashes and soft curls. He sees eyes that are determined. Sleep finally takes him.

…

Atsumu’s face is pushed into a pillow, he feels his back arch and his butt hangs in the air. He gasps at the feeling of someone inside of him. He feels warm and wet and full. He pushes backwards and feels himself filled even more, he lets out a deep moan, and clutches onto the pillow under him. Fuck it feels so good. The hips behind him start pushing and pulling, rocking Atsumu forwards with each thrust. It's been so long since I've been fucked, he thinks, feels so good. A hand is suddenly in his hair, pulling so that his head is angled back, mouth freed from the pillow.

“I want to hear you, Atsumu,” the voice behind him says with a steady tone.

Atsumu gasps, he knows that voice, he would know that bored tone anywhere.

“Omi” he groans and rocks himself backwards for more.

There is a deep chuckle behind him and the thrusts speed up.

“Fuck! Omi!” Atsumu calls out, taunt hair still pulling his head back.

He feels Omi lean over him, seating his dick fully inside. “Are you going to come for me?” A sultry voice asks in his ear.

Atsumu gasps and is surprised to find himself alone in his room, dick leaking in his pants.

“Fuck fuck fuck” he presses his hands into his eyes, realizing that it was a dream. He is so hard, he can feel a wet spot in his underwear.

Atsumu flips over so he is laying on his stomach and starts to rock into the soft mattress below him. He imagines Omi is still behind him, pulling tightly on his hair, using Atsumu however he wants. His stomach tightens, he knows this isn't right. He keeps picturing Omi behind him, and suddenly his brain takes a turn and Atsumu is imagining an office, his body up against a desk, pencils and pens digging into his stomach, Omi’s hands are rough, pushing down on his back, keeping him pinned. Atsumu knows what is happening, he begs his brain to stop, but it's like a train on a track, too heavy to stop.

Atsumu feels tears gather in his eyes, face smashed into his pillow. No, he thinks, No this is wrong, stop. But his brain and his body doesn't stop. He keeps humping the bed until he comes, imagining horrible things. With his orgasm passed, Atsumu finds himself sobbing into his pillow, shame filling him completely. “Fuck!” He whimpers, “I'm so fucking broken”.

He cries, and he feels the telltale itch in his hands. “No, I don't want to,” he whispers to himself. Atsumu feels the pressure inside of himself building, he doesn't want to, he doesn't want Omi to find out and know that he did it again. His chest aches, his brain feels like mush, like his thoughts are not his own.

He feels his legs twitch, like his body is anticipating the next part. Astumu sits up, legs stretched out in front of him, tears still falling from his eyes. The urge is growing. “No” he whispers. Shame pushes the urge further. Atsumu feels his stomach muscles clenching. “I need help I need help I need help” he chants in his head, pushing his hand towards his phone. He calls Samu, it's early, he doesn't pick up. It feels like Atsumu is going to explode, like he is seconds away from disaster, he calls Omi.

“Morning Atsumu” comes the level voice.

Atsumu can hear himself still crying, and he can't get any words out. He keeps his hands clenched and frozen.

“Atsumu? Are you okay?”

His voice hiccups as he tries to push through the cry in his throat “Ba--bad--bad” he takes a shuddering breath “Help”.

Atsumu hears rustling on the other end and a quiet ‘shit’ and then Omi is louder, “Breathe as deeply as you can and hold it for 3 seconds, then release.”

It takes a few tries to get an uninterrupted breath, but Atsumu finally does.

“Good, keep breathing like that, and I'm going to ask you to notice some things.”

“Look around you, what are five things you see?” Omi pauses to let him look around.

With a shaky voice he says “Bed, lamp, desk, window, walls”

“Good, now 4 things you feel on your skin.”

Atsumu’s body jumps as he feels cold cum in his pants, his breathing increases and he feels himself getting lost again. Omi must hear because he just continues to the next one

“Breath Atsu breath, 3 things you can hear, listen, what do you hear?”

“Cars, fan, Omi” Atsumu takes another deep breath and tries to hold it before releasing it.

“Good, 2 things you can smell”

“Detergent and…and…”

“Take your time”

“I think my feet kind of stink”

Atsumu can hear a gentle smile when Omi says “one thing you can taste”

“Nothing really,” he murmurs.

“That's okay, are you back?”

Atsumu lets out a big sigh. He can think again, and his breathing is okay. “Yeah, thank you”.

“Anytime” comes the quiet reply.

Atsumu is silent, purposefully breathing and pushing away other thoughts.

Omi says “We have today off…”

Atsumu nods and then says “Yeah”.

“Do you want to come over?”

Atsumu feels his throat tighten. Can he? Can he go over to Omi’s like he didn't just cum imagining it was him holding him down?

Atsumu remains quiet, trying to figure out what the hell to say.

With an embarrassed edge Omi says “You can say no, I won't be hurt. I am…worried about you”.

Atsumu is quiet for another moment. His gut is telling him to say it, but his brain is fighting back, trying to keep Atsumu locked up in his shame. “Omi…I think I need help.”

“I'm going to need a little more clarification”

“I think I need someone…like…like a therapist”.

“I can help you with that”

Atsumu bites his lip, and tears fill his eyes again. Shame and fear burn bright in his chest. “Okay” he whispers. The fear stays strong but the shame waivers, “Can I still come over?”

“Of course Atsumu”

“Okay” he says again, “Will you stay on with me for a minute?”

“Whatever you need.”

Atsumu carefully gets up, pulls his pants off as quickly as he can and goes to the shower.
Atsumu props his phone on a dry ledge and turns on the water. It's cold at first but that's okay, the feeling shocks more sense into him.

“Talk to me?” Atsumu asks and he feels the water warm.

Omi talks about nothing and everything. Atsumu notices that this might be the most he has ever heard Omi talk in one go. The gentle sound of Omi’s level voice and actually feeling clean helps immensely. He turns the shower off and he hears Omi pause his monologue.

“I'm going to get ready and come over?”

“Okay Atsumu. I'll see you soon. Call or text if anything comes up.”

“Okay, bye Omi”

“See you soon Atsumu”

Chapter Text

Kiyoomi had been sleeping when he got the call. He was only half awake when he greeted Atsumu, but only seconds later he was wide fucking awake. The known sounds of crying bled over the phone connections followed by Atsumu stuttering out the word “bad”.

The sound had physically slapped Kiyoomi and he shot upright, momentarily dropping the phone. He felt his spine tingle and dread pool in his stomach.

Kiyoomi was so thankful the grounding techniques worked, he didn't have a back up plan and it would have taken him at least 20 minutes to get to Atsumu’s apartment.

After hanging up Kiyoomi could feel like his own anxiety level had spiked. He took a minute to use his own tools and bring himself back to baseline.

He shoots a text to Atsumu “text me when you're out the door”. He wants to be able to make sure Atsumu makes it okay.

He's so glad that Atsumu called. For several reasons, first is that Atsumu did a good job taking care of himself and asking for help when he needed it, secondly, and Kiyoomi knows this part is more selfish, it felt good to be needed and helpful.

He showers, dresses, and starts breakfast. Atsumu is on the way and should arrive any minute. Kiyoomi has a plan. He is going to tell Atsumu the plan and then Atsumu gets to decide what he wants to do.

There is a knock and Kiyoomi yells “Open!”
He stays at the stove, flipping pancakes as he hears Atsumu enter and change his shoes. Atsumu quietly enters the kitchen and washes his hands, “Hey” Kiyoomi says, eyes focused on not burning the pancakes.

“Hey” Atsumu responds. His voice is low and quiet, with a gentle wavering. He's still pretty messed up, Kiyoomi thinks.

“Go get comfy, these will be done in a minute”

Atsumu silently leaves the kitchen for the small dining area. It's unnerving how quiet the other man is being.

As promised a few minutes later Kiyoomi enters with pancakes and juice, and settles himself across from Atsumu. He finally gets a good look at him. Eyes are tinged red around the edges, and his nose is pinker than usual. His expression is…exhausted and embarrassed, his eyes look anywhere but at Kiyoomi.

“Atsu, I have an idea of how today could go. I'm going to tell you my idea, and there is no pressure to do it, you get to decide.”

Atsumu sniffs as he puts pancakes on his plate and nods.

“I want to help you find a therapist, but to do that I need to know a little bit more about what you're struggling with. Most therapists specialize. Mine helps me with anxiety and OCD.

That being said, I know talking about what I'm struggling with is hard, and may be hard for you too. So I was thinking we could do one of the exercises that I know, I think it might make it easier to talk about stuff, less pressure…” Kiyoomi pauses, giving Atsumu a chance to think. He knows from experience that after he has been in crisis his brain is always a little weird after, not as clear.

“If you want I can tell you about the exercise. But also if you just need to come down and relax today I totally understand. What we do is up to you.” Kiyoomi leaves it there, and collects some pancakes and juice for himself.

They sit in a comfortable silence for a few minutes, both eating.

“I like your idea” Atsumu says gently, “Will you tell me about the exercise?”

“Sure, it's nothing complicated, we would use a ball and toss it or roll it back and forth while we talk. And it wouldn't just be you talking, I would share too.”

Atsumu bites his lip, staring down into his juice, and nods.

Kiyoomi feels his heart melt a little. He knows this is hard. He knows, oh God does he know, how hard it is to do this part.

He reaches across the table and gently holds Atsumu’s hand and gives it a squeeze. Atsumu’s eyes dart up to his, wet but not crying. His lower lip trembles.

Kiyoomi’s brain supplies the thought ‘I love him’ and Kiyoomi swallows a big lump in his throat, because he knows it's true.

…

“Here is what I was thinking,” Kiyoomi begins. They are both sitting on the living room floor across from each other, legs straight out, forming a v shape. Their feet nearly touch, creating a small diamond shape of floor between them.

“If either of us needs a break from talking we can lay back all the way and set laying down for as long as is needed. If either of us wants to stop the conversation all the way we can just toss the ball into the hallway and we both know to stop.” Kiyoomi has the thought that it sounds like he is setting up intricate safe words for some kink play.

“Sound good?”

Astumu nods and pushes the ball across the diamond between them. Kiyoomi receives it and pushes it back. They fall into a good rhythm and Kiyoomi says “I was thinking it might make sense to have you ask questions you might have about therapy. Unless there is another way you want to start.”

“No, that sounds good,” Atsumu says, pushing the ball back again.

After a beat Atsumu asks “How often do people go to therapy?”

“Depends, I had periods where I went twice a week. Most people go once a week. I now go every other week.”

Atsumu is quiet and Kiyoomi realizes he might need to clarify a boundary “You can ask me about my experiences, if I don't want to answer I won't, okay?”

Atsumu looks up wearily, but nods. “You said you go for OCD?”

Kiyoomi nods and pushes the ball back “Yeah, back in highschool it was so bad I nearly had to stop playing Volleyball. I think without therapy my life would be really different now. It still is something that pops up, but it is currently managed.”

“I don't think OCD is my problem”

Kiyoomi gives out a breathy laugh and says “From what I've seen I would have to agree”

Atsumu takes the ball and lays back, setting above his head for a moment, and then sits back up “I'm not sure what my problem is…I mean I do…but I don't know how to…”

“If it's too big right now, don't try and force yourself to say it”

Atsumu nods and pushes the ball across.

“Do you want to hear about some other specializations that therapists have? Maybe give technical words for your feelings?”

Atsumu nods

“Well, there are eating disorders, there is bipolar, that's when your brain chemistry is wonky and you have long periods of depression that switches with long periods of feeling untouchable. There is depression, like if it's chronic and won't stop. There is trauma and PTSD, that's when a really bad event or events still bothers you even though it's not still happening. There is addic-”

“Stop,” Atsumu says, looking a little panicked.

“Want to stop?” Kiyoomi asks

“No, that last one”

“PTSD?”

“Yeah…I think that is it.”

“Oh.” Kiyoomi thinks back and some details shart to shift into place “Do you want to hear more about PTSD to see if it feels right?”

Atsumu nods

“Well, for some people with PTSD they experience the memory like it's really happening, that is called a flashback. There are also things called triggers, where a smell, place, person, or detail makes the body react like it's in danger. That can look like fight or flight, anxiety, freezing up, or getting angry.

He can tell Astumu is listening, even though his head is tilted down and he is staring at the ground while he catches the ball and rolls it back.

“Why do you know so much about this stuff?”

“My mom is-was a psychiatrist before she got sick. I kinda just heard her always talking about stuff.”

“Your mom is sick?”

“Yeah…one second.”

Kiyoomi takes the ball and lays down, setting it up above him. He doesn't talk about his mom to anyone but his cousin. It's a sensitive topic, especially because it carries his worst fears for himself. He breathes as he sets, using a visualization technique.

When he sits back up Atsumu is watching him. “You don't have t-” Atsumu starts and Kiyoomi interrupts, “It's fine, just needed to ground.”

“She has OCD too, always did since I was little. Hers was more about where things were, how they were positioned or existed. She would turn a light on and off until it felt…right. When I was in highschool it got a lot worse and she became Agoraphobic. She hasn't left the house in…about three years now.” Kiyoomi thinks this might be the first time he has talked about this with someone other than family or his therapist. It should feel scary, and it does, but not as scary because it's Atsumu.

“What does it mean to ground?”

The question surprises Kiyoomi but then he remembers that not everyone grew up like him.

“Do you remember in the shower, when I helped you breathe? And over the phone the 5,4,3,2,1 thing? Those are grounding techniques. They help the brain reset when it is in a crazy place. They help you get back to an okay place.

“Oh. I'm glad you knew how to do those”

“Me too,” Kiyoomi says.

“How do you find a therapist?”

“We should have the same private health insurance through the Jackals, we can look up people who know about PTSD who could see you.”

“Oh. Can we do that together?”

“Sure thing. Want me to get my computer?”

Atsumu nods.

Kiyoomi takes the ball and tosses it into the hallway and gets up to retrieve his computer.

He and Astumu settle onto the couch. Kiyoomi pulls a blanket over both of them and opens the laptop.

Kiyoomi asks for some of his preferences, gender, race, religion, and he plugs the information into the health insurance portal. He adds the specialization PTSD and looks over the list of other options with Atsumu, “Is there anything else you want to add or wonder what it means?”

Atsumu squints at the list and his face goes red. He lifts a hand out from under the blanket and points.

He points to “Sexual Trauma” and Kiyoomi feels his heart stop. He moves his fingers and clicks that box and glances at Atsumu who looks like he wants to crawl under a rock and die. “Anything else you want to add?”

Atsumu shakes his head and avoids eye contact.

Kiyoomi’s mind is racing with this new information. But he also desperately doesn't want to overwhelm Atsumu, so he pushes it aside for now and sticks to the task at hand.

They look through the filtered options and make a list of potential clinicians. Kiyoomi helps him write a script email which they send to a few practitioners.

Atsumu keeps fidgeting beside him and Kiyoomi realizes he is reaching his threshold. He shuts the laptop and stretches. “What do you think of taking a walk for Boba?”

“Sounds great Omi.” There is a smile in his voice but it is lacking the usual boisterous enthusiasm.

They walk side by side down the baren sidewalk. Atsumu is walking right up against him, causing their hands to brush every few steps. The accidental contact causes the back of his neck to warm. They don't speak, and Kiyoomi uses this time to try and puzzle out some of his thoughts.

First, who the fuck hurt Atsumu? Kiyoomi feels his hands want to clench. Wherever this fucking person is Kiyoomi wants to grind ‘em into dust using just his hands.
Secondly…when did this happen? Was it before Kiyoomi knew Atsumu? While he was at college? Recently…since he's joined the team? That thought fucking hurts.

Some of the last events come into sharper focus. The shower incident, was it triggered by their coach laying hands on Atsumu? That event was probably a flashback, with how gone Atsumu had looked. The phone call…hard to tell, could have been triggered, flashback, nightmare…

When these things first started happening Kiyoomi had kind of assumed that Atsumu had panic or anxiety attacks, they can look pretty similar to flashbacks. Kiyoomi hadn't ever imagined it would be sexual trauma and PTSD. With his background he should have known better than to assume, it's just hard to imagine your person being hurt like that.

He almost misses a step. His person. Yeah, he does feel like Atsumu is his person. Atsumu is his closest non-family relationship. Their hands brush again.

I think I might be his person too.

Chapter Text

Atsumu feels wrung out. Even with the flavor of mango Boba dancing on his tongue, his body just keeps getting heavier. They make it back to Kiyoomi’s place and Atsumu starts to collect his belongings for the trip home. Atsumu feels like he is entering a foggy haze which grows denser with each minute.

He is paused in a search for a missing airpod by a gentle hand on his shoulder. He is crouched down low and Omi squats down next to him, eyes on his level.

“Atsumu…something you should know is that talking about the hard stuff is draining, even painful at the beginning”

Atsumu nods dumbly, not really understanding.

“You did good work today, you're exhausted, I think…I think you should stay. Just stay and rest.”

Atsumu nods again and rights himself back to standing.

“Nap in the bed or rest on the couch?” Omi asks, taking half a step back to give Atsumu room to maneuver.

Like Atsumu is going to pass up what is probably a luxurious, fresh and clean, silk sheeted bed. Atsumu gives a pointed look to the bedroom and starts walking. Kiyoomi follows him a step behind. They enter the bedroom and Kiyoomi finds some clothes that Atsumu can use for sleeping. Atsumu changes and lays down, it's just as good as he imagined. The sheets are cool to the touch and soft as anything. Atsumu nuzzles in and sees Kiyoomi approach with a glass of water. It is placed on the side table and Kiyoomi says “Rest well Atsu” before turning towards the door.

….

Atsumu’s hand catches his wrist. “What is it?” Kiyoomi asks.

“It's just, you did a lot of talking too, do you need to rest?”

Kiyoomi gives a small chuckle “I have a lot of practice talking about my feelings”. It's kind of a lie, but it gets the point across.

Kiyoomi gently starts to pull his wrist away and Atsumu holds on tighter. Kiyoomi’s head falls into a lilt, eyes questioning.

“Could you rest?” Atsumu asks quietly.

The world's largest Boa Constrictor squeezes his heart. “Are you-”

“Yes.” Atsumu says, “I sleep better when we are roommates…”

“Okay” Kiyoomi says gently and changes into sleepwear. He enters by the foot of the bed and avoids climbing over Atsumu.

“You have enough room?”

“Mhmm” Atsumu murmurs and turns to face Kiyoomi.

Kiyoomi takes the moment to study Atsumu’s relaxed face in the dim light. Atsumu is then scooting closer, curling his body slightly so that his head is below Kiyoomi’s.

Kiyoomi’s face warms at how damn cute Atsumu looks. And suddenly Omi wants to see childhood photos of him, to see that cuteness even more.

Atsumu’s wiggling has nearly buried him under the blanket. Kiyoomi reaches his arm around Atsumu to grasp the edge of the quilt and pull it down so he can breathe. Atsumu reacts to the weight of the arm by sighing and leaning in closer to Kiyoomi, tucking his head up against his chest. Kiyoomi’s arm freezes mid-blanket maneuver. He lowers his arm slightly to begin to wrap it around Atsumu. Heart hammering in his chest, he hears a contented noise and then “Omi,'' whispered into his chest. He wraps his arm fully around the other man, hand flat against his back.

This is new, this is different, this is…more than friends? Kiyoomi isn't sure, he's never had a friend like Atsumu, do best friends sometimes cuddle after an emotional day?

He can feel Atsumu’s short hair prickling at his chin, reminding him of sleeping beauty on the bus. It's worth the potential drool, he thinks. When Atsumu’s breathing becomes steady and even, Kiyoomi lets himself press his mouth to the top of Atsumu's head.

He closes his eyes, and tries to etch this memory into his psyche.

…

Atsumu feels his eyes try to open against the dried crust. Gross, he thinks and forces himself to blink and knock some of the eye gunk off. Atsumu feels a large heavy arm around him, it's comforting and safe because he knows it's Omi. Atsumu tries to glance around but the room is nearly fully dark, the window provides no light. Shit, they must have both turned the nap into just sleeping through the night.

Atsumu feels like he slept heavily, his limbs are slow to wake. He adjusts his body under Kiyoomi’s arm and freezes. They are lying close together, like really close together. Atsumu's face is right up against his chest and their lower halves are tangled. He can feel Kiyoomi. He can feel that Kiyoomi is hard.

The safe and comfortable feeling sours completely, like a bucket of fear is dumped over his whole body. It becomes a duel between his logical brain knowing he is okay and his body screaming “Get out”. It's that same feeling and voice as when he tries to date. Something, usually something small, trips that wire and his body screams at Atsumu to escape.

Atsumu feels his body winning the fight and he is out the door, donning his coat over borrowed sleep clothes as he exits the apartment. He finds his legs speed walking him down the sidewalk while his brain tries to catch up. It's Omi, he thinks, it was just Omi, he is okay, he is safe, he wouldn't trap me. His body is unconvinced.

Atsumu knows what happens after this wire is tripped. A couple of times he tried to push through, tried to keep dating the person anyway, but the body feelings started infecting the mind. He was never able to relax around the person, that knot of fear settled deep in his core. He feels tears overflow his eyes as he walks down the street in the darkness. His fear is going to push him away from Omi. It will. There is no way around it.

Atsumu thinks of all the kindness and patience and quiet energy that Omi has been showing him. Helping him through flashbacks, finding ways to help him talk, holding him while he sleeps. The fist comes down on his thigh before he realizes.

His body stops walking, not a soul around, and he hits. He hits and hits and hits until both his legs and hands ache. He is crying, silent tears falling down his face. He looks up at the dark night sky. I'm just weak and scared. At the end of the day, that's what I am, weak and scared.

Atsumu walks all the way home. It takes him about 2 hours, and he finally collapses in his own bed, wearing another man’s clothes.

…

Kiyoomi is disappointed but not surprised when he finds an empty bed in a gradually lightening room. Must be early morning. Atsumu was always the first one up in their hotel room. He pulls himself up and wanders out of the bedroom, listening for clues of where Atsumu might be hanging out. A quick glance at the bathroom tells him it's open and unoccupied, he wanders to the living room, also quiet and empty…that leaves the kitchen and dining room. Both are empty. Kiyoomi looks at the entryway and Atsumu’s shoes and bag are gone.

No notes, no texts, just gone. He is reminded of the time Atsumu leapt at a blanket being put over him, and how later that night he decided to fucking jog. Atsumu runs, Kiyoomi thinks, his response is flight.

He hovers his finger over the call button, and finally presses. It rings until Omi is met with a voicemail message. He hangs up and texts “Just woke up, please let me know you made it home okay.”

“Please be okay” he whispers to himself. His stomach is twisted up in a way he hasn't felt in a while. It reminds him of when his mom was getting worse, and Kiyoomi knew it was bad, but didn't know how to help. Useless. I feel useless, he thinks.

...

Atsumu doesn't respond to the text. Kiyoomi tries calling again. No answer. Now his nervous system is out of whack, his anxiety ringing loud in his ears. What if something happened?

He feels at a loss. What should I do? Do I go over to his apartment to make sure he got home? Do I call someone else on the team to check on him? Neither of those options are good. Fuck.

Kiyoomi gets an idea, it's a long shot but he needs to make sure Atsumu is safe. He looks up the Miya restaurant and calls. A woman answers and Kiyoomi asks if Osamu Miya is there. “One moment,” she says, and then a familiar voice is greeting him.

“Hi. How can I help you?”

“This is Sakusa Kiyoomi”

There is silence on the line for a moment, “Sakusa…is everything okay? Is ‘Tsumu okay?”

“I…I don't know,” Kiyoomi isn't sure how much to say. He's pretty sure Osamu would know about the trauma, but he's not certain. “Atsu was telling me about some personal stuff yesterday, and then he slept over, and when I woke up he was gone and he isn't responding to any calls or texts. Could you please try?”

“Shit, of course, hang on Sakusa” Kiyoomi can hear Osamu fiddling with something and then a quiet ringing. Oh. He's calling Atsumu right now on his cell phone.

Kiyoomi turns up his phone’s volume, wanting to be able to hear as much of the second phone call as possible.

“Eh, what is it Samu?” Kiyoomi hears the crackly second hand voice of Atsumu.

“Just got a twin spidey sense, and wanted to check on you”

“Eh? Really? Your spidey sense is so good Samu, I'm jealous!”

“Cut the crap. Are you okay?”

There is a beat of quiet, “No. I was actually thinking of coming to visit you and Ma for a few days.”

“Ah, you're always welcome, I'll tell Ma to make up your bed.”

“Okay, I'll see you later today Samu”

“Later” Osamu replies and hangs up.

“Could you hear?” Osamu asks to Kiyoomi

“Yeah. Thank you for calling.”

“We got it from here, thanks for looking out for my brother.”

They hang up. Atsumu is safe, he made it home, he has a plan to be around his family. It's good, those are all good things. So why does Kiyoomi feel like crying?

Chapter Text

Before putting the car in drive Atsumu digs through his messy backseat and locates a nearly forgotten cd case. He flips through, cringing inwardly. He picks the worst of them all, a mix he made himself in highschool. Overly dramatic emo music fills the speakers. Atsumu pulls into gear and starts driving home. He drives more recklessly than he should, speeding on abandoned roads, waiting until the last moment to turn, watching every solid tree on the side go by. The music makes him feel like he is 16 again. He remembers the pain of that time. How he used to drive home and scream singing, tears blurring his vision, hoping he might crash. His heart aches with the weight of it. That was me, he thinks. This is me.

He had pain even before he had PTSD. Sometimes Atsumu isn’t sure which impacted him more, a lifetime of living with an unpredictable asshole, or a year of being used.

He loves being a twin. He loves his brother. But when he was 16 and falling apart, he felt like the weaker twin, because Osamu seemed unbothered. They had the same asshole dad, but Atsumu’s pain from it reached deep. It felt like his brain was always overwhelmed, the smallest things would set him off, and nearly every night when the sun set he cried. He cried because something inside of him, something he couldn’t even name, hurt so much. Face pushed into the carpet, tears overflowing, silent cries in his throat, Atsumu wondered if he would always be like this. If simply being alive would always hurt like this.

That’s when the intrusive thoughts started. They were quiet in the beginning, a gentle wish, a quiet request, and as it was left unattended, it grew. It grew into a loud boisterous, consuming voice which repeated “I want to die”. It felt like in between every thought, every word, every movement, his brain was chanting that phrase. It became the soundtrack for which he did everything. As the voice got stronger, the feeling got stronger too. Atsumu began to wonder…

Atsumu slams on the brakes, the car ahead of him stopping short to let an animal across the street. Don’t go there, Atsumu thinks.

Their dad was a mean man. He rarely hit, but his words were used like knives. He didn’t need a reason to attack, or it might be more accurate to say he could turn any situation into a reason to attack. Their mom bore the worst of it. When they were little Osamu and him used to hide under a blanket in their room, listening to him crash around, shouting, verbally tearing her apart. I was weak then too, Atsumu thinks.

Atsumu never quite understood how their dad knew how to say just the right thing to tear someone down. It was like a special skill. Atsumu would come to learn that the skill of manipulation comes in a variety of forms. His words were scathing, and would cut straight to your worst fears about yourself. In the moment, you found yourself agreeing, agreeing that you were trash, worthless, disgusting…

During his early highschool years Atsumu did 3 things. Volleyball, reading, and avoiding going home. He read a lot, he found that reading filled the space in his head enough that the intrusive voice was quieter. It didn’t ever fully go away, but became more bearable. He read all sorts of things. The one that stuck with him the most was an English book that took him several months to finish. Brave New World. It was an odd tale, but certain parts of it impacted Atsumu. ‘Soma’, an imaginary substance that blocks out all negative emotions, leaving you stable and bland. Atsumu knew that nothing like that existed, but if it did, would he take it? His gut says yes, 100%. He would take the drug even if it killed him, he is so weak he would prefer a life of no hardship.

The time when the lights went out, and the book was put down, and only thoughts were left, were the hardest. Most nights he cried, shoving his face into the pillow to silence himself. In a way he needed to cry, and embraced it. It was only after the emotional release that he could fall asleep. He would occasionally entertain daydreams while he cried, imagining something that his soul secretly wanted. He imagined telling someone. He imaged telling someone, an adult, usually his coach, how bad it fucking hurt, and how loud the voices telling him to die were getting.

He would play out the confession in his head, spilling his guts. The daydream could never breach an adult response though. Atsumu didn’t know how he wanted to be responded to, all he knew was that he was bursting to tell.

It started with a question, “Hey Coach, did you ever read ‘Brave New World’?

…

Kiyoomi didn’t often stalk social media. He finds it disheartening, and often depressing. But he couldn’t stop himself from looking this time. It has been several days since Atsumu had not been at practice. The team assumed he has some sort of family emergency. In a way, it’s true.

Kiyoomi had to download instagram and search briefly to find Miya Atsumu. There is nothing super recent. Kiyoomi scrolls through pictures of a smiling Atsumu. Some are closer to thirst traps and Kiyoomi scoffs, finger lingering, looking a second too long before he scrolls.

He sees Osamu in the comments and clicks on the Miya twin’s profile. There is a recent post, from yesterday. His heart starts hammering in his chest when he looks through the collection of photos. The pictures are of Atsumu, they are candid, unposed. Atsumu is sitting on the beach, gazing out at the water. The sky is golden and Atsumu looks like he is glowing. A gentle smile lays on his lips, shoulders fully relaxed.

The last photo in the collection shows Atsumu having caught sight of the camera pointed at him. He has a finger raised, pointing at the picture taker, a devilish sneer on his face, almost certainly threatening something.

Kiyoomi feels sad. He isn’t sure where the ache is coming from, but it’s there, and it’s about Atsumu.

…

“I’ll take ‘er damn phone and break it in half”

“Oh shut up,” Osamu laughs, "You love the attention."

“Just make sure they are good” Atsumu huffs, turning to look back out at the water.

Osamu lets the moment pass, enjoying the soft breeze and cry of seagulls.

“This is nice” Atsumu says “Thanks for taking the day off”. Osamu can tell the underlying meaning of Atsumu’s words. He wants to talk.

“You’re not doing well,” Osamu observes.

Atsumu pauses, “No, not really, I’m trying to get a therapist.”

Osamu nods “Is it ‘him’?”

Atsumu leans back, gazing up at the pink sky “Yeah. He got out of jail a few months ago.”

Osamu turns “Tsumu, I didn’t know”

Atsumu smirks, “What? ‘Er spidey sense didn’t catch that one?”

“Eh, about that, I didn’t have a spidey sense, Sakusa called me”.

Atsumu whirls on him. Osamu lifts his hands in defense “He said you had vanished and weren’t responding to calls, he was just worried”.

Atsumu ponders for a moment, “Who dya think he got your number from?”

“He uh, he called the restaurant”.

Osamu watches his brother blush in the golden light. He’s got it bad, he thinks.

“Why did you run?”

Atsumu flops all the way onto his back, hands coming to cover his eyes. “I got spooked,”.

“…Like a horse?” Osamu asks dryly.

“Kinda, yeah. It’s my…trapped feeling.”

Osamu nods at this, it’s not the first time he has heard Atsumu describe his trapped feeling. It comes up after most breakups.

“It’s almost like Omi was being too nice to me, and then I got freaked out”

“Sakusa is nice to you?”

“Almost painfully so,” Atsumu responds.

Osamu smirks to himself. Sakusa has it bad too.

“What are you going to do about it?”

“Was thinking maybe hide here forever?”

Osamu laughs “After a month away from the Jackals you would be miserable”

Atsumu nods. “I…I really like what I have with Omi. I’m afraid my stuff is going to ruin it.”

Osamu puts his chin in his hand and thinks. “The people you dated, when you got your trapped feeling, did you ever talk to them about it?”

Atsumu’s silence is telling.

Osamu starts, “I think you might need to-“

“I know! I need to talk about it…” Atsumu interrupts, like he couldn’t bear for Osamu to be the one to give the sage advice.

Atsumu thumps his fists into the sand. “Fuck this sucks” he says

Osamu hums in agreement.

…

Kiyoomi exits the locker room to the sound of a familiar voice saying “Nice kill!” His heart knows the person before his eyes do. He sees Atsumu setting to his teammates, a lopsided smile on his lips.

Atsumu catches his eye contact, and gives a sheepish smile. Kiyoomi turns towards the bench to set down his belongings. Fuck he is too awkward for this. He hears footsteps behind him and turns to see bleached hair. “Omi, I know we have to talk. You didn’t do anything wrong. But before that I really want to play, I have energy to get out.”

Kiyoomi nods, biting his lip, to hold in all the things he wants to say.
Atsumu smiles, that blinding smile, “And it’s about time I set to you, isn’t it?”

At that Kiyoomi’s heart feels lighter. They will talk. They will play. It will be okay.

Already Atsumu is rambling out his ideas on how to find the perfect set for Omi and how to set so many times Omi doesn’t have a choice but to trust the set, and how he’s going to shock everyone with an even more powerful spike.

My person is still here, Kiyoomi thinks. Not gone. Still here. And Kiyoomi realizes that this idea, that Atsumu was leaving, was the pain in his chest. He was afraid of losing Atsumu.

…

They make some progress through repeated setting.

“I’m close, real close Omi”

Kiyoomi feels his ears grow warm, hearing the double entendre of his words.

“I think next practice we will have it, and then we can hone it.” Atsumu looks fired up, like he could go for a few more hours.

Kiyoomi nods and helps Atsumu clean up.

They shower and change, and walk to the bus stop together. Kiyoomi wants to talk, he feels like his anxiety could make him beg to talk, but he doesn’t want to push Atsumu further than he can go. Kiyoomi doesn’t want to get on separate buses. His fingers rub together by his sides as they stand by the stop.

Kiyoomi feels a warm finger hook around one of his. He glances over and Atsumu leans against his side, resting his head against his shoulder. “Can I come over?”

“Yes.” Kiyoomi breathes out instantly. Their fingers stay wrapped together until the bus arrives.

Chapter Text

They enter and go through their normal routines, switching into slippers and washing their hands. Kiyoomi stays in the kitchen and puts a pot of water on to boil “Instant ramen okay?”

“Yup,” Atsumu leans against the counter and watches Omi work. God, I never thought that this tall, dark, hard as fuck to impress person could actually be so…soft. Atsumu feels his stomach swirl when he wonders how many people have gotten to see this version of Omi. The version with so many walls down. Is this trust? Is this Omi letting me know him?

Kiyoomi turns, breaking Atsumu from his thoughts “Flavor?”

…

As they finish eating, Kiyoomi asks “Do you…do you want to talk about it?” Atsumu can hear a tinge of fear in his voice.

“I do.” Atsumu responds, so many different thoughts flooding his brain, the simple statement is all he can get out.

Kiyoomi nods slowly. “Do you want to use the ball again?”

Atsumu hears the question, and knows that using the ball is a good idea. But it seems like his gut wants something different. Something that surprises even Atsumu.
Atsumu's face heats as he comes to understand what he wants.

“Maybe…” he starts, unsure of how to face what he wants to ask for. Kiyoomi waits patiently for him to continue, fingers moving together in his lap.

“I…I want to start where we left off…”

Kiyoomi’s head falls to the side, eyes glancing around as he tries to puzzle out Atsumu’s words.

Atsumu tries again, “How we were before I left”.

Realization blooms on Omi’s face and his cheeks color a light pink.

Atsumu feels tears roll into his eyes. He has that feeling. The feeling like he wants to spill his guts.

Kiyoomi notices the shift and he stands, collects Atsumu’s hand and gently brings him into the dark bedroom. Omi pulls out clothes and turns on a side lamp, illuminating the room in a soft yellow glow.

Atsumu finds himself standing before the bed, a hand raised and pressing into a leaking eye. Kiyoomi is kneeling further back on the bed.

“I'm sorry I left” his words come out as hacked sobs, each syllable struggling to get through his throat.

Kiyoomi shuffles forwards and presses his palms gently against each side of Atsumu's face. “I worried about you when you left. But I wasn't upset with you.”

Atsumu lets out a relieved gasping laugh.

Kiyoomi’s hands fall and drift to grab onto Atsumu’s palms. He pulls the man forwards onto the bed, settling him sideways under the blanket.

“Sometimes how gentle you are scares me” the words come out quiet, and Kiyoomi stills when he hears them.

Long fingers tremble slightly “I…I don't know what I'm doing, I didn't mean to, I, I…”

Atsumu holds up a hand to stop the other man from continuing to spin his wheels, “Lay down Omi”

Kiyoomi complies.

“I didn't say it was bad. Just that it scares me. That's part of why I ran.”

“What…what is the other reason?”

“I think I got triggered, it wasn't your fault.”

They lay under the blanket, facing each other in the dim light.

“I want to tell you. I want you to know that part of me. I trust you with this part of me.”

Atsumu closes his eyes, breath shaking. He's never done this before. Everyone who knows found out some other way. Atsumu has never…been the one to say it. How do you even say it? How do you explain something that was, but wasn't. Something that so adeptly slithered between right and wrong that by the time Atsumu realized, he had lost sight of the exit completely. How do you express that the person who used his power to hurt you…also saved your life?

“I was suicidal” Atsumu manages to whisper, he feels Kiyoomi jolt a little at the words.

“I was hurting a lot, and…it felt like I was desperate to find a way out.”

“I ended up reaching out for help, and I was sent to a hospital. They didn't keep me, because I lied about having a plan.” Atsumu pauses and opens his eyes, Kiyoomi lays sideways on the pillow in front of him, free hand resting face down on the bed.

“Atsu” he hears Omi whisper and those long fingers find his.

The touch is soothing, like a safety net.

“Some things changed after that trip, my mom left my dad…and…”

Atsumu feels his hand be gently squeezed

“I kept getting closer to the person I reached out to for help…my coach.”

Kiyoomi sucks in a breath “Didn't?-- shit sorry”

Atsumu feels shame flood his face with heat. “No, it's clear you already know.” The highschool Japanese volleyball circuit had surely heard all about their school’s coach being arrested for…

He feels the hand pull away from him, his heart stings with the action, he squeezes his eyes shut trying to block the flood of tears. Then two warm hands are on his cheeks, his eyes open in response.

Omi is looking straight at him. “Tell me what really happened. I want to know the truth. Your truth.”

Atsumu feels the sob bubble up in his chest. A garbled sound catches in his throat. He feels his body move forwards and once his face is pressed into Omi’s shirt he is crying in earnest.

His hands clench in the fabric in front of him, and he lets the sobs wrack his body. He feels warm, strong hands rubbing his back and carding up through his hair. The feeling spurs his emotions on and he pushes his head closer into the body in front of him.

He can tell he is making a mess. He can feel snot and tears and spit, all making themselves known. He will have to remember to apologize after.

He feels Omi lean forwards, pressing his face into Atsumu’s hair.

Atsumu stays wrapped up in the other man, and he feels small. He doesn't feel like a big pro athlete who rents his own apartment, he feels small and vulnerable.

His tears and gasping breaths keep coming. Kiyoomi breathes steadily, a metronome by which Atsumu remembers periodically to breathe.

Atsumu feels the urgency to wail leave his body, and is left with shuddering inhales, and burning lungs.

Kiyoomi continues to rub his back, using his palm to apply gentle steady pressure.

Atsumu opens his eyes and sees that he has turned the shirt in front of him dark with liquid “Shit, sorry Omi”.

“Don't mind” the response comes out reflexively, a phrase uttered daily on the court. Omi continues to hold him.

Atsumu starts to pull back and Omi immediately lets him go. “You're seriously a mess,” Atsumu remarks, looking down at Omi. Atsumu starts to get up and Kiyoomi lays a hand on his knee, “I can do it, stay put.”

Kiyoomi climbs out of the bed and strips off his shirt. Atsumu watches his back muscles ripple for a moment before he glances away, thankful that his face is already red. Kiyoomi changes into a clean shirt and leaves the room. He returns with a glass of water and hands it to Atsumu.

It wasn't until the cold glass was in his hand that he realized how thirsty he really was. He finishes off the glass and places it on the nightstand.

Each breath still shakes through his body, his lungs unable to maintain a smooth motion. Kiyoomi sits on the edge of the bed.

“It doesn't have to be all at once.” Kiyoomi murmurs into the quiet room. Atsumu knows what he means.

His body aches, his stomach feels like it has just been through the wringer. Atsumu lays back down. “Tired” he says up to the ceiling.

“Then rest” it is said with a gentle smile.
Kiyoomi gets up from the bed and Atsumu sits up quickly. “Don't…you don't have to go.”

Kiyoomi stands a pace away, studying Atsumu for a moment. “I'll get you more water, then come back” Atsumu nods and lays back down.

When Kiyoomi climbs back into bed he seems stiff, like a nervous energy is radiating off of him.

Atsumu pulls the man close, wrapping his arm around him and whispers “If I run again, I promise to come back again”. He feels Omi melt under the words and lets himself be held.

Atsumu is pulled close and Kiyoomi plants himself against his hair again. Atsumu feels the weight of his exhaustion settle over him, and thinks he hears Omi whisper against his head, and then falls asleep.

…

Kiyoomi feels himself drift in a half-nap, not quite fully asleep, but not awake either. His mind tumbles around different ideas, the information that Atsumu shared sits hotly against his thoughts.

Kiyoomi had heard the rumors that the coach at Atsumu’s school had been arrested mid-year for an inappropriate relationship with a student. People speculated about who the student was, but no one ever brought up the Miya twins. Since the two were inseparable, it seems impossible that it could be one of them.

Kiyoomi imagines that the anonymity was a godsend for Atsumu. He flexes his fingers and feels that the other man is still there. The last words Atsumu said float in his head ‘I promise to come back again’. It had felt like such a big thing to say, like he wasn't just talking about today.

And then Omi is clenching his own eyes closed, holding in a sudden rush of tears. It's been a long time since he cried, his eyes feel raw as he wills the tears away. His body tenses as it tries to fight the knot in his throat and he feels something slip. “Fuck” he groans as he lifts a hand back to feel at the back of his neck. Atsumu stirs and peaks his eyes open, “What is it Omi? Gotta pee?”

“No…my neck” Kiyoomi says as he tries to adjust his posture while laying down.

Atsumu sits up, a twinkle in his eye “Want me to rub it?”

…

Atsumu’s hands have no right to be as heavenly as they are.

“Fuuuuck,” he groans as Atsumu pushes his thumbs at the skin right before his skull. It's official. Atsumu has magic hands. The unwavering strength and subtle ability to respond to the tenseness of the skin could bring Kiyoomi to his knees.

Atsumu brings his hands higher and starts to kneed the lower part of his scalp, “Yeah, there,” Omi gasps out. Atsumu is sitting on his lower back, hands warm on his neck.

This somehow feels even more intimate than the first backrub. Kiyoomi can feel himself melting into the bed, body completely relaxed under Atsumu.

Strong hands climb even higher and rub at the hard bone right behind his ears. “Ahh” Kiyoomi groans and Atsumu presses a little harder. Kiyoomi feels his body jerk a little and Atsumu freezes “Too hard?”

“No, just…sensitive there”

Atsumu moves to press the tips of his fingers against the back of Kiyoomi’s skull, fingers sliding through dark curls.

“Mmmmm” Kiyoomi hums.

They are both quiet for a moment while Atsumu works. The neck pain had long since left, but Kiyoomi is hesitant to end the enjoyable sensation of Atsumu’s hands.

“Thank you” Kiyoomi says quietly

“Anytime Omi”

“For trusting me, I mean.” Atsumu’s hands still momentarily before they continue.

“Oh. Well you too, I know you don’t like anyone to touch ya”

Before Kiyoomi can sensor himself he says “It's not hard when it's you”.

He feels Atsumu collapse on top of him, grabbing onto his shoulders in a version of a hug, “You're too damn nice to me Omi”.

Atsumu sits back up, “Anything else hurt?”.

Nothing except my heart, Kiyoomi thinks to himself before he shakes his head and Atsumu climbs off.

Kiyoomi props himself up onto his side, “Hungry?”

“Starving” Atsumu responds with a brilliant smile.

Chapter Text

Kiyoomi knew of the new addition to their team. It was hard not to hear about the dynamic duo of Karasuno.

The ball of orange fluff had energy and talent to spare. During practice he practically zipped around the room, flying from one ball to the next. Hinata was kind, thoughtful, and driving Kiyoomi crazy.

It wasn't anything Hinata had done…kind of…it was more of how he acted, around Atsumu. They were already on a first name basis, and Kiyoomi felt like he was going to scream every time Hinata looked up at Atsumu with wonder in his eyes. Despite having Kageyama as a setter, Hinata wasn't spoiled, after every play he would compliment Atsumu.

Atsumu often responded with a hand in Hinata’s hair, shaking him like a dog, or a strong clap on the back.

Every single little interaction drove Kiyoomi crazy. He knew it was ridiculous, he knew it was jealousy. But he couldn't kick it. This particular day Hinata nearly tackled Atsumu, and in retaliation Atsumu put him in a headlock and ground his fist into the top of his head.

Hinata caught Kiyoomi’s eye and quickly scampered away from Atsumu. When Kiyoomi looked next to Atsumu the man held a hand on his hip, a ball in his palm, and he gestured to the net.

Kiyoomi nods. Their ‘trust’ set was nearly perfected over the past few months. Atsumu had been right, knowing, believing, trusting that the set would come the exact way he needed let him unleash a new power into his spike.

Kiyoomi takes his stance and watches Atsumu float the ball into the air. Not too close, not too far, not too fast. Kiyoomi snaps his shoulder forwards, feeling his power be pushed into the ball, and…shit. When he lands he can feel that he majorly overdid it. Stupid brain trying to show off for Atsumu. Something is strained in his chest, it nearly knocks the wind out of him.

He bends over, hands braced on his knees as he gasps for air. Atsumu is on him immediately, a hand on his back, crouching low to look up at his face. “Where?” Atsumu asks and Kiyoomi points to his chest over his heart.

Atsumu helps him stand, and brings him over to the stretching mats. “How bad?”

Having caught his breath Kiyoomi takes stock of the injury, “Not bad, I can work on it at home, but I need to stop for today.”

Atsumu glances at the clock and sits down to stretch, “Practice is nearly over anyway, I'll take you back”.

Kiyoomi stays with Atsumu, and starts tenderly pressing into his pectoral to find the spot. Atsumu helps him into the locker room. Loathsome as it is, Kiyoomi skips the shower, knowing that slipping now could be a career ending injury.

Nearly an hour later Kiyoomi cannot believe that he was talked into this horrible predicament. How was it that he was flat on his back, still covered with dried sweat from practice, with Atsumu sitting on his stomach, hands splayed on his chest.

…

Atsumu relishes the fact that he can bring so much pain relief to Omi. It feels like a super power. He knows Omi can handle muscle knots on his front side, but…Atsumu doesn't want to miss a chance to help.

That's why he made it his mission, and it was a successful mission, to work on the latest injury himself.

He sits above Kiyoomi and realizes what he has actually done. This is definitely different than sitting on his back and looking at a mess of curls. Here he can see every expression the other man makes. Just don't look, he thinks to himself as he focuses instead on a pale chest. Don't make it weird. Don't make it weird, he chants in his head.

He instead dives into finding and destroying the pain inside of Omi. He presses light touches around his left pectoral, pressing until he gets a slight wince in response. The spot seems to be towards the side of the chest, near where his ribs push against skin.

He starts with the heel of his palm, pushing firmly along the curve of the rib, warming and loosening the tissue there. He hears Omi gasp, but doesn't glance up, he isn't sure he could handle seeing the expression that goes with that sound, not while he is literally sitting on him. When the skin feels warmed he switches to using the tips of his fingers to push across the whole of the pectoral muscle, fingers grazing by the pale nipple. He works on the tense spot for a while, using small pushing motions to work on the knot. He hears a groan and knows it's working. He gives the tense spot a break and uses his whole hand to massage the area around the knot, with slow sweeping motions.

“Atsu” Kiyoomi says

“Almost got it Omi” he pushes back to the knot, leveling his wrist to lay across the chest so his thumbs can dig in deep.

“Atsumu!” Kiyoomi’s body jumps under him and Atsumu freezes. He knows what he just felt. He pulls his hands away and looks up at Omi who has his head turned towards the wall. “Please…get off.”

Atsumu complies immediately. He leans himself forwards to avoid…additional contact.

“It's okay Omi! Natural even. No biggie”

Kiyoomi keeps his face turned away, “I'm…I'm not used to being touched there”

“It's really okay, it's not like I haven't…well it's normal, you know?”

Atsumu sneaks a glance while Kiyoomi is turned away. He felt big…looks kinda big too.

“Do you want to go…” Atsumu trails off.

“No.”

“Should I…”

“Just give me a minute, please”

Atsumu lays down. He can feel that his heart is racing. Last time he had felt ‘that’ he had freaked out, this time…he definitely feels amped up but not with fear. He glances over to Omi and sees that he is grimacing up at the ceiling. It's that same grimace he has been wearing at practice whenever Hinata is around…

“Do you have a problem with Hinata?”

Kiyoomi doesn't turn, but glances his eyes sideways at Atsumu “No.”

“Cause you're always glaring at him like you wanna rip off his head, kind of like how yer looking at the ceiling now.”

Kiyoomi’s glare worsens.

“He's not gonna replace you as ace, not in a million years Omi.”

Kiyoomi nods, face still sour.

“If I didn't know better…I'd think you were glaring at me…”

Kiyoomi turns his head “I'm not glaring at you.”

Atsumu sighs, “I know, so why are you glaring at Hinata?”

Kiyoomi brings an arm up to cover his eyes. “I'm not totally sure,” he admits.

“Do you like him?”

The arm flies off of his face, “What? No!”

“Do you like me?”

Kiyoomi freezes, his words stutter out “I…Atsumu, what…?”

Atsumu turns to his side, so he can properly watch Kiyoomi’s expression.

“Do you like me?” he repeats.

Kiyoomi is turned so he can see Atsumu, his mouth is open, but no words come out for a moment.

“Of…of course I like you, you're my best friend.”

Atsumu feels his heart sink into his stomach, “Then you should lay off Hinata.”

Kiyoomi nods, mouth tightly shut.

Atsumu sits up and checks his phone. “Ah I told my mom I'd call her tonight, I should head back”

“Okay”

Atsumu fully gets up and changes back into his street clothes. Kiyoomi sits up and swings his legs over the edge of the bed. He looks a little…dazed. Atsumu is about to exit out the bedroom door. He turns to look back and says “Let me know if you change your mind” and steps out.

…

The words ring through his ears again and again, “let me know if you change your mind”. What the hell did Atsumu mean?

“Motoya.”

“Yes Kiyo?”

“Atsumu said something…confusing.”

“Oh? That's funny, I just hung up with Osamu because Atsumu was calling him”

“You talk with Osamu? Since when?”

“Well since you became obsessed with his brother…and since I went to his restaurant, it's really good Kiyo have you tried it?”

“No I haven't. Anyways, Atsumu was massaging me, and I got…hard and he felt it…and then he asked me if I liked him…well first he asked if I liked Hinata, then if I liked him.”

Montoya whistles, “Shoot, what did you say?”

“I said that he was my best friend.”

This causes Motoya to laugh out loud, “you did NOT.”

“I did.”

“What did Atsumu say?”

“He said I should be nicer to Hinata, and then he had to go, and then comes the confusing part, he said “let me know if you change your mind”.”

Motoya is silent for a few seconds. “That's what is confusing you?”

“Yes. Change my mind about what? Being best friends? Oh god what if he's my best friend but I'm not his, and he thinks I'm weird and clingy and--”

“Shut up for a second, breathe idiot.”

Kiyoomi breathes.

“He felt your boner dude, and then he asked you if you like him, and then he basically said ‘let me know if you want to be more than friends’.”

“No Atsumu doesn't…wait really?”

Motoya sighs over the phone.

“Thank God someone in this family has social skills”

“I gotta go.”

Kiyoomi hangs up and grabs his jacket. He runs out the door and calls Atsumu. He rushes down the apartment stairwell as the phone rings. No answer. He books it out of the building and runs for the bus stop. He thinks he sees bright blonde hair in the distance, he also sees the bus coming in the opposite direction. The bus beats him to it and he sees Atsumu climb aboard.

The bus lurches to a start again and Kiyoomi cannot believe that he, honest to god, is waving his arms at the bus driver, trying to hail it like a taxi. The bus approaches and he sees the driver glare at him and the bus passes by. He watches the bus make it another 20 feet and it hits a red light, and the doors open. Kiyoomi sprints, climbs aboard, thanks the driver profusely, and scans for Atsumu.

Atsumu is sitting near the back of a nearly empty bus, he is glaring down at his phone typing quickly.

Kiyoomi feels his nerves catching up to him. He ran to catch the bus, and now he's here. He walks back and sits himself next to Atsumu.

Atsumu hasn't looked up yet, but his body language is peeved. It's incredibly rude to sit next to a person on an empty bus. Atsumu finishes his text and rears his body to chew out the jerk next to him. His glare falls to complete surprise “Omi?”

“I changed…my mind” Kiyoomi is panting from his jog and then sprint to catch the bus.

“You…” and then Atsumu is laughing, a full bodied laugh that causes him to curl in on himself.

“That was fast!” He remarks, trying to control his laughter.

“Next time you should be more direct. Motoya had to explain to me what you meant.”

“Sorry Omi, I forget that I only check you out while yer not looking”

Kiyoomi feels his face heat. “I…you…really?”

Atsumu gives a breathy laugh and leans his head onto Kiyoomi’s shoulder.

“Now that you're on the bus…do you want to come over? I could finish working on that knot…

Chapter Text

Kiyoomi is showered, shirtless, and pressed into another bed. Kiyoomi is finding that he has an incredibly hard time saying no to Atsumu, especially when it's something Kiyoomi wants too.

Atsumu works with softer hands, teasing out the lingering tension.

“I never finished telling you after my big cry”

Kiyoomi nods slowly, afraid that Atsumu is about to start while straddling his waist.

“When I'm done could I…try?”

Kiyoomi lets out a quiet sigh of relief and whispers “Of course”.

Kiyoomi closes his eyes and tries to ignore how warm Atsumu feels against his stomach, tries to ignore how his chest feels on fire, tries to ignore the flutter in his stomach that Atsumu likes him back.

Kiyoomi feels a telltale pop and shift. He lets out a sigh, the area still aches but everything is back where it is supposed to be. Atsumu keeps working with gentle fingers and careful caresses.

Atsumu sits back, leaning his weight directly down onto Kiyoomi's stomach and admires his work. He leans forwards quickly and gives a peck of a kiss to Kiyoomi’s hair and then climbs off.

Kiyoomi feels his flush rush down his neck onto his chest. Kiyoomi is stunned by the action and is still laying down when Atsumu cuddles up, placing his head onto Kiyoomi’s shoulder, arms wrapping around his middle.

He's still shirtless…and it doesn't seem like Atsumu is inclined to let him up to dress.

“Omi Omi” Atsumu says quietly into bare skin. Kiyoomi takes his free arm and lays it against Atsumu’s arm across his middle.

“What did your school hear about it?”

“That the volleyball coach had been…in a relationship with a student, and that he had been arrested. Nobody knew for sure who the student was. I never heard your name brought up.”

“What did you think when you heard?”

“I felt…confused at how everyone called it a relationship…it didn't seem like the right word.”

Atsumu nods, his hair brushes against Kiyoomi’s cheek.

“It felt like a relationship at the time. But now, now that I'm older, it seems so different.”

“You were 16?”

Atsumu nods again.

“I knew you then, from All Tokyo”

“Yeah…he was so pissed that I had left for a whole week. But I couldn't pass it up.”

“He was...mad?”

“Yeah. He was, is, kinda messed up, he needed, like, constant attention, it was suffocating.”

Atsumu lets out a breath, the air tickles Kiyoomi’s skin.

“At one point he tried to get me to quit Volleyball.”

“Wh--why?”

“Because I would go home and keep practicing with Osamu, and if I did that, he couldn't…he didn't have me as much.”

Kiyoomi feels his throat tighten.

“I tried…I tried to make it stop a few times.”

“What happened?”

“He would say he was going to kill himself, and I always fell for it.”

“Atsu…”

“It's like I was stuck, like even though it all felt wrong, I couldn't escape. It, like, changed something in my brain. I'm always looking for escape routes now.”

“That's why you run”

Atsumu nods. “I don't want to, but my body sometimes takes over.”

Kiyoomi wraps his arm around Atsumu a little tighter.

“Ive, I've never been able to date because I get freaked out and bail”

Kiyoomi continues to hold him, heart hammering in his chest.

Atsumu must hear because he chuckles, “Not gonna bail on ya Omi, but I might need some patience.”

Kiyoomi leans his face closer to Atsumu, pushing his cheek against soft blonde hair.

“I'm not ever going to force you to stay. I only want you in my life if you want to be there too.”

“I know Omi” Atsumu takes a deep breath, “There…there is some stuff that nobody knows…the details of…I couldn't even tell Samu.”

“Only share what you want to.”

Atsumu nods, and Kiyoomi feels warm droplets land on his chest. He hugs the other man closer to him.

Kiyoomi hears a sniff and Atsumu whispers “What if there are some things…I can never do?”

Kiyoomi pulls away slightly so he can nudge a finger under Atsumu’s chin and angle his head up. Their eyes meet, Atsumu’s are red and wet.

“You will never have to do something you don't want to do.” Atsumu buries his face into Kiyoomi’s chest. Kiyoomi feels more tears and holds Atsumu while his body quietly shakes.

Kiyoomi murmurs into his hair, “It's just you Atsumu, it's not what you can do for me, it's just you…” his thoughts finish the sentence, ‘that I love’.

…

Atsumu wakes to see that Kiyoomi is still sleeping soundly. He gently removes himself from the bed, leaves a note and goes for a jog.

It's the first moment he has had alone since the “I changed my mind” bus ride. Atsumu feels his heart warm at the thought that the man sleeping in his bed, Omi, wants something more. His brain is a mess of feelings and flutters so he calls his better half.

“Tsumu”

“Samu guess what?”

“Sakusa fessed up?”

“Eh? How did you know?”

“Montoya and I talk, apparently he had to spell out what you meant and as soon as Omi figured it out he hung up, I assume to call you.”

“He actually ran to the bus stop”

“Boy has it bad”

“Shut up!” Atsumu says, unable to keep the smile out of his voice.

“So?”

“So what?”

“Ugh, Tsumu, are you like a thing?”

“I think so…”

Osamu groans, “You didn't talk about it? Tsumu what did you two do all night after you called…wait don't tell me…”

“No! Dirty minded little rat”

Osamu’s laugh crackles over the speaker.

“Are you happy?”

“Yeah” Atsumu says breathlessly, “I really am”.

Chapter Text

One strong hand holds him down by the hip. He feels his stomach muscles clench as fingers press into him.

“Ah! Ah! Atsumu!”

“Does it hurt?”

“No, It-- Ahh- don't stop!”

He is sensitive, each touch feels like it is causing invisible strings to jerk his hips.

His head is pushing back into the bed as his spine arches upwards. Fuck he wants to be even closer to Atsumu.

Kiyoomi hears a quiet chuckle. He knows he must look wrecked.

“You move so much Omi”

“You…it…ahhh” Kiyoomi can't find a way to get the words out.

Atsumu leans forwards, putting his mouth and inch away from Kiyoomi’s ear, “Really makes me wonder…”

“Don't” Kiyoomi warns “I'm already struggling to not get hard”

“No need for that, '' Atsumu whispers into his neck. Atsumu pulls himself back upwards and grabs at Kiyoomi’s hips, “Flip” he commands.

On shaking limbs he flips himself onto his stomach. All Atsumu had done was massage his hip and thigh. The skin there was so sensitive, each touch sending a jolt of pleasure mixed with a ticklish feeling. It felt like his brain was melting.

Atsumu starts on the back of his thigh and groans. Is he getting as much out of this as I am? Kiyoomi pushes his face fully into the bed and lets the padding engulf the sound of his moan.

Kiyoomi feels a hand in his hair and it is blissful. Kiyoomi angles his head up into the touch. Atsumu’s hand stutters at the motion and the other hand leaves his leg. Then fingers are slipping out of his hair. Kiyoomi blinks, his brain caught up in the hands that had been on him, he tries to glance back but only sees bunches of blankets.

The hands still haven't returned to his skin. Kiyoomi lurches upwards onto his forearms and curls his upper body to look back. Atsumu is still sitting beside him, a far off look in his eye. Kiyoomi sits up, pulling the blanket over his lap to cover the fact that he was only in briefs.

Kiyoomi reaches a hand out to his shoulder and Atsumu glances at him quickly and then away. “Sorry Omi”

“No need to apologize, what do you need?”

“Dunno, just got caught up in a memory.”

Kiyoomi takes a moment to observe the other man, his breathing is regular, and he is responding enough to talk, it's not a full fledged flashback like the shower, more likely something triggered him.

“Do you want to leave the bedroom?”

Atsumu nods and makes his way out of the room. Kiyoomi pulls on pants and follows at a distance. Atsumu enters the living room and plops down on the couch. Kiyoomi lingers in the doorway, unsure if Atsumu wants to be alone.

The setter’s hand pats the couch cushion next to him and Kiyoomi takes the invitation.

“TV?”

Atsumu shakes his head and grabs a hold of Kiyoomi’s hand.

“Remember that time I called you and I was freaking out?”

“Yeah”

“I’d had a dream. About you. It was, well it was a really good dream, and I woke up before it finished…so I decided to continue while awake.” Atsumu shuffles in place “God this is embarrassing. Anyway my brain took a dark turn after, and that's when I called you.”

Kiyoomi remains quiet, unsure of where this story is going.

“Something about the dream reminded me of how we were positioned in bed.”

“Was it something specific that triggered the memory or just general?”

“I think…for a second, I had wanted to pull your hair, so that you'd stop muffling your sounds…and that was similar to what you'd done in my dream”

“Oh” Kiyoomi whispers quietly.

“It really wasn't a bad dream! But what happened after the dream was pretty bad.”

“I was so glad that you had called me”

“Really? I felt like such a jerk at the time”

“What? Why?”

“I mean, waking up your teammate to calm you down after a nightmare is kinda a bit much.”

Kiyoomi ponders that. It would have been an unappreciated call from anyone but Atsumu.

“Thank you.” Kiyoomi says

“Eh?”

“For sharing. I know it's not easy.”

“Mmhh'' Atsumu hums, and kicks his feet into Kiyoomi’s lap, wiggling his socked toes suggestively. “Any chance you'll pay back the favor?”

“Only if you shower first”.

…

A few days later they have a home game. Kiyoomi is thankful for the break from traveling to away games.

Atsumu fucking rocks it. His sets are beautiful today, he makes it look so damn easy. Atsumu has Hinata finish off the first set with that freak quick that they have been working on. Upon landing Hinata is in the air again, leaping to grab onto Atsumu's back. Kiyoomi smiles, he doesn't feel like he has to compete anymore, he knows Atsumu is special to him.

As he walks to the bench he feels a hand pat his shoulder “Great job Omi” Atsumu has an enormous smile.

“You were stunning out there,” Kiyoomi responds. He watches Atsumu’s face turn a brilliant shade of pink. Atsumu gives an uncomfortable laugh and says “Yeah, I really feel in the zone today”.

Atsumu brings them to a second victory, taking the game. Kiyoomi dries off his sweat, which there isn't even that much of, they didn't have to work very hard to take the game. Having a brilliant setter really makes all the difference.

Kiyoomi and Hinata, the two newest teammates, are pulled aside for a press release. Kiyoomi hates these, but it's just a part of being on a pro team, and Hinata does a lot of the talking anyways.

Kiyoomi half listens to Hinata praise all of their teammates as he watches Atsumu chat with some fans across the court. He really is popular, and it's easy to see why.

Kiyoomi hears Hinata bring up Atsumu’s sets and he finds himself nodding in agreement. The question then focuses on him, “Sakusa, how has the adjustment been from college league to V league?”

“My university team was really dedicated, so the transition has been smooth. Of course there are some differences, our setter Miya is truly exceptional. From working with him I've been able to increase the power and speed of my spikes.”

Hinata gives him a sideways glance, probably thrown by his formal use of Atsumu’s name.

“And how about you Hinata?”

Kiyoomi hears Hinata take over again, thankful, and searches the emptying court for Atsumu. He must have gone to the locker room by now.

Before long the interviewers are bowing and thanking them for their time and both men are released to shower and change.

Standing in front of a camera with sweat drying on his skin was not Kiyoomi’s favorite. He immediately showers, his anxiety quiets as he feels clean. The best part of home games was getting to actually go home after, avoiding the need for a hotel or long bus ride.

Kiyoomi exits the shower stall in a towel and makes his way to his locker. Most of their teammates are already finished, gathering to discuss what bar they should go to for celebrations. Atsumu loves to go drinking with the team. Kiyoomi dresses and makes his way to the group, intending to remind Atsumu not to overdo it. He's had to nurse the man through enough hangovers already.

He glances around the faces, and realizes that Atsumu isn't there. “Going with us Omi?” Bokuto asks.
“No…where is Atsumu?”

Meian, their captain answers “We figured he had plans with you, he already left”

“Oh. Thanks.”

Kiyoomi turns away to grab his bag. He can feel his face heat with embarrassment. The team knows they are close by now, and usually assume the two will arrive and depart together.

Kiyoomi exits the locker room and makes his way to the empty bus stop. He pulls out his phone, finger hovering over the call button, he chooses to text instead.

“Good game today. Hinata was singing your praise to the press.”

Kiyoomi catches his bus and feels his stomach twist. This isn't their routine. Their routine is to wait at the bus stop together, sometimes going to one or the other’s apartment.

He checks this phone after dinner. No response. His anxiety deepens. Usually Atsumu is addicted to his phone and responds within minutes. He calls. No answer. He is reminded of when Atsumu ran in the middle of the night.

He texts Motoya, “Do you think Osamu would be okay with me texting him?”

Motoya just responds with the contact info card.

Kiyoomi starts a text chain with his crush’s twin.

“Atsumu is being weird, he with you?”
“This is Kiyoomi”

He sees the “...” Pop up below his words

“No. I'll call.”

A minute later another text

“Didn't pick up. Didn't you have a game?”

“Yeah he left while I was with press. We won.”

The “...” starts and then stops, and then his screen fills with the information that Osamu is calling him. Kiyoomi answers

“Hi.”

“Hi Sakusa. Sorry to call, just felt like it would be easier than texting.” His voice is similar to Atsumu’s but the intonation is completely different.

“No problem…” Kiyoomi is letting himself into his apartment.

“I'm worried about Tsumu, he hardly ever ignores my calls. Did he seem okay during the game?”

Kiyoomi lingers in his doorway, not changing his shoes right away.

“He was great, some of his best playing this season so far.”

Osamu is quiet on the other side. “Atsumu said he told you”

“Yes” Kiyoomi says quietly

“Can you…can you go check on him? See if he is home?”

Kiyoomi nods to himself and exits his apartment, “Yeah, of course” he says.

“I'll text you with updates.”

“Thanks Sakusa”

“Kiyoomi is fine.” He says and ends the call.

…

He knocks on the door in front of him. “Atsumu?” He calls towards the door.

He waits a moment, intently listening for any sounds on the other side. Silence. He pulls the spare key from watering Atsumu's plants while he was traveling, from his pocket.

He slides it into the slot and turns the lock. He pokes his head in and calls out “Atsumu, it's Kiyoomi, I'm coming in”. The lights are off, and with evening approaching the room is only dimly lit.

He steps inside and puts on his pair of house slippers. It doesn't seem like anyone is home until Kiyoomi turns the corner and sees the light on in the bathroom. He stops in the hallway and calls out again, “Atsumu?” No response. His stomach tightens. Something doesn't feel right.

He pokes his head around the corner of the doorway and nearly falls when he sees. He scrambles forwards, one hand clutching onto the edge of the tub, the other on Atsumu’s head, turning his face towards Kiyoomi. Atsumu’s eyes are closed but his skin is warm. Panic is absolutely driving Kiyoomi now. He calls the emergency line and as it rings he presses shaking fingers to Atsumu's neck. He can't look at the blood. He will probably throw up if he looks at the blood. He thinks he feels a weak pulse, and when he looks down (ignore the blood, ignore the blood) he sees his setter’s chest rise and fall slowly. Fuck, fuck, fuck God dammit fuck.

“What is your emergency?”

“My friend cut his wrist, he's still alive” and Kiyoomi gives the address.

“Find some fabric, gauze, or towels and press firmly on the wound”

He stumbles to the closet and grabs towels. He returns to Atsumu and he looks. The blood is dizzying. How is there so much? Why is there so much? Kiyoomi holds onto a slick wrist and wraps a towel around it, bunches up another one, and presses down firmly. It must hurt like hell but Atsumu doesn't move.

“No” he whispers to Atsumu “No the fuck you're not”.

“An emergency vehicle is on the way. Are you applying pressure?”

“Yes” he replies and he notices that his own face is wet with tears.

Kiyoomi keeps pressing down, staring at Atsumu’s chest to make sure he is still breathing. Then there are people pushing him out of the way. Kiyoomi hadn't even heard them come in. He is removed from the bathroom and finds himself standing in the hallway, shaking, crying. He feels his knees give out and he kneels on the floor. What the fuck. What the fuck. What the fuck.

The other people are talking but their words can't make sense. He sees a gurney brought into the apartment. He looks down and sees red hands.

The EMTs bring Atsumu out, people on either side hold gauze onto him.

Kiyoomi places his hand on the wall, and tries to stand, “Can I come?” A woman gives him a sympathetic look and shakes her head. “We are bringing him to the general hospital downtown.” Then the apartment is empty. Dead silent.

Still braced against the wall, Kiyoomi notices his smeared handprint of Atsumu's blood and he throws up. After that his breathing comes fast, too fast, the world is dizzying. He needs to tell Osamu. But his phone is still in the bathroom. The blood covered bathroom.

His brain screams at him, get clean. You're dirty. Get clean. He goes back to the kitchen and puts his hands under the scorching water. He tries to scrub away all the red that is caked into the lines of his skin and under his nails. He hears a rumbling vibration and looks over to see Atsumu's phone on the counter. Osamu is calling. Kiyoomi dries a hand and accepts the call, bringing the phone to his ear.

“There ya are ya scrub, why are you ignoring my calls?”

Kiyoomi is having trouble getting his throat to work.

“Tsumu?” Osamu asks when the call is silent.

“Osamu…”

“Sakusa? Why are ya answering Tsumu’s phone?”

Kiyoomi takes a deep breath, trying to regulate his breathing so he can talk. He closes his eyes and sees dark red. So much red. “You need to come.”

“Alright, alright, I'll get in the car. It's that bad huh? Can I talk to Tsumu?”

Kiyoomi feels his throat close around what still needs to be communicated.

“He…Osamu he…”

Osamu seems to realize something is really wrong “What is it?”.

Fresh tears are bubbling over his eyes and his throat clenches involuntarily. “He's hurt. Hurt really bad. He…”

“Where is he?” Osamu demands.

“Hospital. Downtown.”

Osamu is quiet on the other end, and then “I'm on my way. I'll call Ma. Did…did he do it himself?”

The “Yes” comes out as a choked off sob.

“I'm going to call Ma, you going to the Hospital?”

“I…I don't …”

Osamu ends the call, not waiting for Kiyoomi to finish answering.

He puts the phone down and continues to wash his hands. Atsumu is still on him. The phone rings again, an unknown number. Kiyoomi presses answers and puts it on speaker to continue washing.

“Kiyo”

“Mo…Motoya?”

“Osamu texted me to call you on Atsumu’s number. What's up? You lose your phone?”

Kiyoomi hears himself hyperventilating as he continues to wash his hands.

“Kiyo? You there?”

He feels himself falling into the tunnel. The tunnel where all he sees is dirt and fear.

“Here” he manages to say, throat raw and crackly.

Motoya must hear something in his voice “Where are you?”

“Atsumu’s…but…” a sob creeps up, “I have to go…”

“Did you guys have a fight?”

His hands hurt, the water is scalding but still there is blood.

“Kiyoomi breath, it's going to be alright, you and Atsumu will figure things out.”

He could be dead. He could be dead right now. The sob breaks through and Kiyoomi finds himself on the floor, head resting against the cabinet in front of him. He hears Motoya talking from the phone up above on the counter. I need to go. I need to go see him. See if…

Kiyoomi pulls himself up to stand and takes a hold of the phone. “I'm going to the hospital downtown”

“Kiyo! Kiyoomi! Why? What is going on?”

Kiyoomi does genuinely try to respond, but the words are stuck.

“Kiyoomi!” He hears Motoya’s frantic voice.

“I'm…safe…will you come?” It would be a lie to say he was okay.

“Of course dummy”

…

Motoya finds Kiyoomi in the waiting room. The man looks strung out, his leg bounces and his fingers are neurotically carding through his hair, causing it to stick up all kinds of crazy ways.

He steps up and Kiyoomi looks up urgently, face falling when he sees who it is. Motoya sits next to his cousin.

“Kiyo what are we doing here?”

“Atsumu is hurt, like hurt really badly. I haven't gotten an update on him yet. Osamu should be here soon.”

“Jesus, what happened? Was there an accident?”

“I…Atsumu was acting weird. So I went to his apartment. And…and I found him bleeding in the tub.” Kiyoomi pauses and takes a shuddering breath “He had tried to kill himself”

Motoya sucks in a breath and turns to really look at his cousin. The haunted, terrified look in his eyes makes sense now. “God, Kiyo…so you…”

Kiyoomi nods and looks down at his hands
“There was…was so much blood”. Kiyoomi’s hands are raw and cracked, evidence of excessive scrubbing.

“You…how are you…holding up?”
Kiyoomi gives a weak laugh. “Don't worry, I've already emailed my therapist to call me when she can.”

Motoya watches his cousin. Each breath he takes seems a hair’s distance away from becoming a sob. Suddenly there is a commotion at the sliding glass doors as Osamu jogs in. He scans the room and belines for Kiyoomi who he scoops into a hug. Kiyoomi goes stiff as a board and Osamu doesn't release him. Motoya hears Osamu whisper “Thank you” into Kiyoomi’s shoulder.

Kiyoomi is released and sits back down in a daze. Osamu goes up to reception and talks with one of the staff members there.

Osamu returns to them, and Motoya gets a closer look, his eyes are red, and his face is blotchy. Osamu sits on the other side of Kiyoomi and relays that there are no updates yet. Kiyoomi nods, still staring at his hands, like he wants to light them on fire. It's possible he actually does.

“Sorry I hung up on ya Sakusa”

“It's alright. Thanks for texting Motoya.”

Osamu looks at the dark haired man next to him. “It must have been awful,” he says quietly. Kiyoomi nods.

“What did Tsumu do?”

Kiyoomi takes a deep breath and points to his wrist, dragging a finger down the middle. Motoya watches Osamu’s eyes widen with worry.

“Thank you Sakusa,” Osamu places a hand over one of Kiyoomi’s and Kiyoomi jolts, tearing his hand away “Don't” he says firmly.

Osamu leans back in his chair and closes his eyes. Motoya can't even imagine the pain of not knowing if your twin was successful in killing themselves.

The evening stretched on, each of them taking turns to fetch snacks or go to the bathroom. Kiyoomi took frequent trips to the bathroom, returning with pink, raw fingers.

It seemed like maybe the exhaustion had finally caught up with Kiyo when he closed his eyes and let his head lay back against the chair.

A woman calls out “Miya Osamu?” All three of them stand up, even Kiyoomi who had just seemed asleep. She walks to them and does a double take when she sees Osamu. “Are you all family?”
Osamu steps forwards, “I am, they can hear too, it's okay.”

She nods, bows, and introduces herself.

“Miya is currently stable” Motoya feels Kiyoomi’s clutch the back of his shirt. “He lost a lot of blood and is being given several units.”

“Thank God” Osamu says, tears in his eyes.

Family may come back to see him before family visiting hours end at 8.

Osamu looks back at Kiyoomi who has his face tilted downwards. “I'll update you guys, we can FaceTime too”

Kiyoomi nods, and looks up at Osamu who gives him a soft look back. The woman leads Osamu through the door.

Motoya tugs on Kiyoomi’s sleeve and leads him out of the hospital, “Lets get you home.”

Kiyoomi is quiet on the drive back to his part of town. It's normal for the other man to be quiet, but this is a heavy silence.

As Kiyoomi walks into his own apartment he stops abruptly “Wait, we can't just leave Atsumu's apartment…like that.”

“I'm planning on calling someone in the morning. They have services for that kind of stuff”

“Oh.”

“You going to shower?”

“Yeah. Need to get the hospital off me.”

“I'll stay the night, the couch pulls out right?”

“Yeah. Help yourself to…whatever” Kiyoomi take himself to the bathroom.

Motoya vaguely wonders if Kiyoomi should be left alone. He’ll keep an ear on him in there.

He sits in the couch, closes his eyes, and listens to the sound of water running.

When his eyes open again the room is fully dark and Kiyoomi is nestled against his side, a blanket thrown over both their laps. It's been a while since they did this. He wraps an arm around Kiyoomi and adjusts his neck and closes his eyes again.

Chapter Text

There is a warm body up against his. There is only one person he has snuggled with in the past few years. It wasn't real, it was a dream. He’s going to open his eyes and see Atsumu's beautiful face next to him. He opens his eyes.

…

“What if I had called him at the bus stop? What if I hadn’t talked to the press and just stuck with Atsumu like usual?”

His therapist is quiet for a moment, and says “What do you think?”

They have been seeing each other for several years now, and Kiyoomi is used to the seemingly pointlessly vague language. But right now, those words feel like they are making him see red.

“Of course it wouldn't have fucking stopped it. If Atsumu wanted to die, a phone call would only have postponed it.”

She stays quiet.

“Why? Why did he want to die? He seemed okay, we won the game…it seems so sudden.”

“I don't know. You might not know unless he decides to tell you.”

Kiyoomi is pacing up and down his apartment hallway, hand clutched around the phone.

“Fuck. Fuck. Why did he go and do that? Why would he do that to me and Osamu?”

“Do you think he wanted to hurt you?

“No…but he did.”

“He did.” She echos.

“He did.” Kiyoomi says again, this time a whisper.

“I…I spent a long time learning how to trust him.”

“Do you feel like that trust is broken?”

Kiyoomi hesitates, “I still trust him to know me…but some other part of the trust is broken.”

“What will you do?”

He doesn't know. He imagines that Atsumu’s blood is being cleaned up right now. His red fingerprints being wiped off of the wall. He loves Atsumu. He's known for a while. He loves Atsumu. And Atsumu tried to kill the person he loves. The mix of anger and grief is confusing.

“Can we switch gear?”

“Sure. What is on your mind?”

“I think I relapsed.”

“With self harm?” She asks.

“Yeah, it started with getting the blood off, but it hasn't stopped.”

“What do you think is causing it to continue?”

“It feels like a clean thing, not so much a punishment thing. It's almost like sometimes I can feel it still on me, and no matter how hard I wash it doesn't feel clean.”

“While we figure out a way to harm reduce, have you been taking care of your skin?”

“Yeah, Motoya is fetching groceries and more skin stuff now.”

“I'm reminding you that the journey back out isn't fast.”

“I know,” Kiyoomi says quietly.

“Okay, let's talk harm reduction techniques…”

…

His body hurts like a mother fucker. Way worse than any volleyball injury. He feels like he is under a great heavy blanket, and he's sweaty too. He feels his eyes twitch and bright light shines in. Too bright. He clamps them back closed.

“Tsumu?” A quiet voice, Osamu’s quiet voice.

He tries to raise a finger in acknowledgment. God why does it hurt so bad. His mouth is also dry as fuck. He coughs to clear his throat and just that little movement is agony. What the hell. He finally cracks an eye open and sees Osamu next to his…hospital bed?

Oh. OH.

Osamu's eyes are red, hands clenched into fists in his lap. He looks like he wants to slap me, Atsumu thinks, letting his head roll back into a comfortable position.

He glances down and sees the IV connected to his bandaged arm. Fuck.

“Who?” He croaks out, making eye contact with his brother.

“Sakusa found you. He saved your life.”

Guilt. A lot of guilt. Someone had to find him, he knew, but in that moment, it really hadn't seemed important. Now that he's here, he knows how big of a mistake that was. How big of a mistake it was to let Omi find him.

“Musta scared ya” he says.

“Yes. Ma may actually kill you if I don't first. What the hell?”

“Yeah. Wasn't a good choice.”

“Understatement of the century. What the hell happened? Were you doing bad?”

“No…no I had been good.”

“Tsumu, ya gotta tell me.”

“He was at the game. Coach was at the game.”

Osamu freezes, “Oh.”

“Yeah. He cornered me afterwards, and it was like I was 16 again.”

“Tsumu…”

“He said his life was already over, and if I didn't play along…he'd…I think he has pictures.”

“Pictures? From when you were 16?”

Atsumu nods, “and from…yesterday.”

Osamu takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. “We have to go to the police”

“He's different Samu. He's somehow even scarier. Like he has nothing to lose.”

“That's why we need help!”

“Tired Samu. Let me sleep.” Atsumu turns as much as he can hooked up to the IV.

He hears Osamu suck in a breath. He really is tired. Like every part of his body is heavy as lead. A couple of tears fall from his eyes as he lays in the bright room. It feels like he has nothing to lose either.

…

As soon as he was off the IV Atsumu was put into an inpatient psychiatric program. They pretty much always had someone watching him since his wound was new, and could cause problems…if he decided to try and open it.

He feels like a shell. He thinks of just a few days ago, the pure joy he had felt on that court, each play filling him with satisfaction. He doesn't know that person from a few days ago, he feels foreign, like an implanted memory. He is hollow and bland, like a dirty wet rag left to dry and forgotten about. Each moment feels tortuously long, even though the days slip by in seconds.

Osamu and Ma come. Osamu and Ma go. He's never felt this numb before. Even in the worst of it the pain was sharp. But this, this, makes Atsumu question if he hadn't actually died, because he is not alive either.

Maybe the blood loss killed the part of his brain that is capable of feeling.

The guilt of what he did to Kiyoomi is the only thing that threatens to become a feeling. Anytime the thought comes up his brain forces it away. Atsumu knows it's there, and dreads the day he might actually feel it.

He sleeps most of the days, is pestered to eat too often, and is forced to meet with therapists constantly. He never knows what to say. He had wanted to die. So he tried. Does he still want to die? It sounds better than this existence.

Atsumu doesn't let Kiyoomi visit him. I should have stayed gone the first time I got my trapped feeling. Avoided pulling another soul into my mess.

…

When the wound in his arm is mostly back together the clinical team lowers his dosage of medicine. About a day later Atsumu feels. He honest to god feels again.

It was the meds, the meds were making me numb. Probably so that I would have the energy to try and kill myself on their watch.

When he next sees Osamu he immediately pulls his twin into a crushing hug and shoves his face into his shoulder. “Thank God.” Osamu whispers, “Are ya back?”

Atsumu nods and he feels tears leak out of him. The weight of what he did, of what he tried to do, if full now, he almost made Owamu suffer through not being a twin anymore. And Kiyoomi…fuck.

“I'm sorry. I'm so sorry” Atsumu cries the words into the other’s body.

Osamu gently pushes Atsumu away from him to meet his gaze, “You can't ever fucking do that again.”

“I won't,” Atsumu says quietly.

Osamu blows out a breath and leans his forehead against Atsumu’s “Don't ever make me do that again.”

A sob catches in Atsumu's throat and he says “I won't”.

Osamu leads them to sit down, “Now that you're talking…tell me what happened.”

Chapter Text

Fuck he is on fire today. His brain is totally in the zone, it's like his fingers are working with pinpoint accuracy and his spikers are killing each set. They take the home game, pay their dues to the other team, and Atsumu is called over by fans. He's not going to lie, he loves the attention.

He chats with some different folks, cranking up the charm. Their home games always get good spectators. Omi has gotten scooped up by the press and he looks miserable. Thankfully Shoyo is there too, he can talk a mile a minute. Knowing that Omi will be a bit longer than usual, Atsumu makes his way to the office, needing to grab some paperwork before he hits the showers. He enters his coaches office and sees the documents labeled for him. Before he can grab them he hears the door close forcefully behind him.

He turns expecting to see a teammate, likely Bokuto, but is met with something so much worse.

Atsumu feels his body freeze completely. Run. Run. He thinks to himself but his muscles stay put.

“You've made quite a name for yourself…At-su-mu.” A shark-like smile plays on familiar lips.

The older man steps closer, and Atsumu feels himself instinctively step back, his hips colliding with a solid desk.

He steps closer still. “I think it's about time you apologize.”

“Wh-what?” Atsumu chokes out. His throat is thick, and his eyes dart from the man to the door behind him.

“Oh, I go to jail and they don't even release your name? Hardly a coincidence.”

“I - I didn't do anything, I never told anyone!”

“Do you want to keep it that way?”

Atsumu feels an incredible amount of nervous energy zipping around his body, yet he remains still.

“I kept it all. Kept all those lovely pictures of you. I'm sure people would love to see…”

Atsumu shakes his head, eyes trained on the other man.

“You think it would impact your career?”

Atsumu tries to keep his breath steady but it keeps coming out faster.

“I have already lost it all because of you. I can release the photos, then kill myself, release the photos and go back to jail, or you can play along, and no one will ever see how pretty you really are.”

Atsumu is sucking in shaking breaths through his mouth, his eyes fill with tears, a few sliding down.

“So…?”

“D-Dont, please Nori, don't.”

The older man sighs and says “On your knees”.

Atsumu shakes his head, bottom lip trembling.

“Are you still an idiot? Get. On. Your. Knees.”

Atsumu feels himself fall to the ground, knees pressing down onto a hard floor. The back of his neck is nearly pressed against the edge of the desk.

The man opens his pants, “Fuck I missed this. Did you practice for me while I was gone?”

Eyes closed, tears flowing freely, Atsumu shakes his head.

“No? Did I ruin men for you? Well, I'm sure it will all come back to you.” Norimune takes a hold of the side of Atsumu's head and guides his dick to his mouth.

Atsumu’s brain is screaming, screaming at him to fight, kick, bite, anything. He's not 16 anymore, he is strong. He can just leave. But the part of him that had kept this secret hidden for all these years, and his terrified body, keeps him stuck to that spot.

Atsumu looks up at the man above him until the dick is being pushed in, and he closes his eyes. His face is wet. Wet with tears and wet with spit. He feels his head pushed back until it meets the desk, pinning him in place. I chose this. I chose to do this. He gave me a choice and this is what I fucking picked.

Through eyelids Atsumu sees a flash. He opens his eyes to see a phone camera trained on him. He momentarily struggles until a hand roughly grabs his hair. “Fuck yeah, you still look so good on my cock.”

Norimune pushes in harder and Atsumu gags. “Haha you weren't kidding, you're no better than you were in highschool.”

The thrusts increase and Atsumu tries to breathe through it. Atsumu thinks of Kiyoomi. Beautiful, kind, gentle Kiyoomi. And now Atsumu is ruined and dirty all over again. Dirty. Dirty. Dirty.

The pace continues, and Atsumu feels like he is watching this happen to him. He is watching the good life he had built be stripped away. His 16 year old brain kicks in. This is what your life is now. You are his. Or he will leak the pictures and everyone will know exactly what you did. What you are.

I want to die, he thinks. The chant that used to consume his thoughts resumes. I want to die I want to die I want to die.

…

Norimune is gone, Atsumu is slumped over in a chair, still in the office. His current coach walks in and jumps when he sees someone sitting in his dark office. He flips on the light, “Atsumu? What are you doing? I thought you left ages ago.”

“Just…had to tell you, I have a family emergency, I won't be to practice for a while.”

“Is everything okay?” The concern in his coach's voice is sincere.

“Yeah, just something I have to do.”

“Okay Atsumu, keep in touch, let me know if you need anything.”

Atsumu nods and slowly stands

“You sure you are okay?”

Atsumu nods and leaves the office.

When he gets home he leaves his phone on the counter, digs through his drawers until he finds a box cutter. Takes the blade out and goes into the bathroom.

Chapter Text

Kiyoomi stands in front of a locked door. There are several signs posted. A list of forbidden objects is one. Visiting hours is another. The last sign says to press the buzzer and wait.

He wants to go press it. He wants to. He takes a wet wipe packet out of his pocket and gently cleans the button, careful not to press it yet.

He hasn't seen Atsumu in several weeks. Both of them have been missing practice. Kiyoomi told the team he has mono, that bought him about a month.

The button is like a doorbell, it glows faintly even in the bright hallway. He adjusts the tote bag on his shoulder and presses.

Nothing happens right away. The sign says to wait. He waits a few minutes and a woman in scrubs becomes visible through a small glass (with wires embedded to reinforce it) pane. She takes a moment to unlock the door and cracks it to speak with Kiyoomi. “Name?”

“Sakusa Kiyoomi, I'm here for Miya Atsumu.”

She pages through a clipboard of papers and nods her head. “Bag.” She says, reaching out a hand. He hands it over and she peers inside. The only item inside is a volleyball. She gives him an odd look and he says “it's for grounding, we won't cause any problems”. She gives a half smile and hands the bag back. “I will go see if Miya-san wants a guest” she closes the door on him.

Again he waits. He is thankful that Atsumu is in a full psychiatric facility. He's not sure he could visit him in his current state if it was a regular hospital. She returns a moment later and lets him in. “Do you have anything else on your person?”

“I have a wallet, phone, keys, nothing else”

“Can I see?” The tone implies it's not a question.

He empties his pockets and she looks at each item. She opens the wallet and peeks into the more hidden slots. She opens his phone case to make sure nothing is behind it, and sorts through his keys.

“All good” she says and gives the items back, “Miya-san is in his room, follow me please”

Kiyoomi nods and follows a step behind. His heart is racing. Why is he so nervous? It's Atsumu. It's also the first time he's going to have seen or spoken to Atsumu since…

Kiyoomi is lost in his thoughts when the woman stops abruptly. She has paused just before a doorway. “Our priority is our patients, not visitors. We can ask you to leave at any time.” Kiyoomi nods and the woman knocks on the open door. “Atsumu, your guest is here” and she lets Kiyoomi in.

Atsumu is sitting cross legged on his bed, a closed book is in front of him. He looks up and gives Kiyoomi a sheepish smile.

“Hey Kiyoomi”

Kiyoomi feels himself flinch a little at the use of his full name.

“Atsu” he replies and is met with a slightly bigger smile

“Omi” Atsumu says back.

Kiyoomi is still awkwardly standing in the doorway, unsure of what to do with himself.

“Pull up the chair?” Atsumu suggests, pointing to a desk. “It's frowned upon to get into bed with me.”

Kiyoomi sighs to cover the blush on the back of his neck and pulls a chair close to the bed and sits down.

“Whatcha got?”

“Volleyball…”

“Want to toss?”

Kiyoomi nods and pulls it out and passes it to Atsumu. They fall into a rhythm of passing it back and forth within seconds.

“I don't think the words “I'm Sorry” are strong enough to convey what I did, but I'm going to start there anyway.”

Atsumu holds the ball for a moment and makes intense eye contact. “Kiyoomi, I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry I put you in that position. And I'm so sorry for all the pain you've suffered because of it.” He passes the ball back.

Kiyoomi knows the words are good, but they don't fill the void left by what he saw.
“Thank you” he responds softly.

Atsumu continues, “I need ya to know I hadn't planned it. It was never like, oh on this day I'm going to attempt and most likely Omi will find me and…It was like all of a sudden, and I was so freaked out I couldn't think, I couldn't think about the future and my loved ones.”

It…it hadn't been planned. That means that a phone call or not talking to the press could have changed things, could have altered the course of that night. Kiyoomi feels himself bite his lip, trying to hold back the tears. If he…if he had just…

Atsumu is holding the ball again, “Omi?”

Kiyoomi takes a deep breath, “I…I…You don't have to tell me if you don't want to…but I…what freaked you out so badly? You had seemed so good after the game…”

Atsumu passes the ball back and receives it again.

Atsumu hesitates, opening and closing his mouth several times.

“It's okay, you don't have to-”

“No, brain is just slow, the meds keep me foggy. Just, please give me more time than usual.”

Kiyoomi nods and continues to pass the ball.

“After the game…after the game I was assaulted.”

Kiyoomi feels his mouth fall open “What? What do you mean?”

Atsumu lays back on the bed and brings his fists up to his eyes.

“Do you want the ball?”

Atsumu nods and Kiyoomi passes it. Atsumu sets over his head for a few minutes.

Kiyoomi watches Atsumu, while his mind races. Someone hurt Atsumu. He had said assault, like did he get mugged…or something else? If they had gone home together could it have been avoided? He was right there. Kiyoomi was right there at the end of the game.

Atsumu sits up, pressing his hands against the tight pressure of the ball. “It was my coach. He got out of jail earlier this year. He was at the game.”

Kiyoomi’s heart sinks low in his chest. Dread fills him. Fuck.

“He…he umm…he blackmailed me with pictures he says he still has from when I was young.”

“Atsu…fuck Atsumu.”

Atsumu nods and passes the ball back.

“Yeah, that's when I went off the rails. I just couldn't think. I just wanted it all to end.”

He pauses as Kiyoomi’s brain tries to work.

“I never…I never in a million years would have wanted you to have to…” Atsumu's eyes are overflowing now and he brings a hand up to cover his mouth.

It happened at the gym. It happened while Kiyoomi was there. Kiyoomi was talking to the press, or showering, or whatever while Atsumu…

Atsumu really hadn't meant to hurt him, or Osamu, or anyone. It doesn't take the trauma of that night away, but it does help a fear that Kiyoomi has.

“I love you.” Kiyoomi blurts out “I was so fucking scared I had lost you”

Atsumu looks up abruptly, mouth hanging open “Omi…don't, you don't have to…I'm…I'm not…”

“It's okay if you don't feel the same way” Kiyoomi says, his stomach twisting in knots.

“It's not…it's not…” Atsumu’s breathing is escalating, he seems stuck on those words.

“Breath in, count to 4. Hold it for 7, release for 8.” Kiyoomi starts modeling how to do this breathing technique. Atsumu tries to follow along, watching Kiyoomi count out the numbers on his fingers for the both of them.

They breathe together for a few minutes together, and Atsumu seems to be regulating. They both jump at a knock on the door, “Dinner is up Atsumu.” The woman from earlier is in the doorway, smiling.

Atsumu starts to get up, “Guests can't have dinner but you can sit with me…if you want.”

“I'd love to.”

They make their way to a small dining area with a long table. Some other folks are already eating. Atsumu sits next to an older woman and greets her by name. Kiyoomi sits on the other side of him, and watches Atsumu be the social butterfly he is, even here.

Atsumu introduces Kiyoomi to the other people who introduce themselves back. Most everyone there is on the quiet side, except for Atsumu and the lady, Roori, next to him. She is a firecracker. Despite the setting Kiyoomi finds himself genuinely belly laughing at some of the jokes Roori makes. Once dinner is finished Roori nearly demands that Kiyoomi face her in a game of Scrabble. Atsumu leans over and whispers “Careful, she is undefeated.”

Ever the competitive one, Kiyoomi agrees. And gets absolutely destroyed. He pushes his chair back when it becomes clear there is no way to save this round, “Damn, you were not kidding Atsumu, she really is good.” Roori smiles and starts to collect the game pieces.

Atsumu looks at the clock and says, “About 45 minutes left to visiting hours…should we continue our conversation?”

Kiyoomi levels his gaze with Atsumu's, trying to figure out what the other man wants.

“I'll just have to crush you again tomorrow then.” Roori speaks up, and sends both of the men into stitches.

Once they have recovered, Atsumu stands, holding out a hand. Kiyoomi takes it, eyes grazing over the white sterile bandages around his forearm. Atsumu guides him to stand and brings him back into the room. He sits Kiyoomi down on the twin bed, back against the wall and sits next to him.

“Wait, I thought…”

“I had lied, I was just nervous and didn't think you'd want to be close to me.”

“Oh.”

Atsumu leans his head against the dark haired man’s shoulder.

“I love you too.” He says quietly.

Kiyoomi feels his heart squeeze. He lays his fingers overtop of Atsumu’s, who takes his hand to hold.

“I'm not ever going to forgive myself for what I put you through.”

Kiyoomi sighs, knowing that the weight of the past events are now an inescapable part of their relationship together.

“I might not ever forgive myself for letting this happen to you again.”

At that Atsumu looks up at him, a strange expression on his face, “What the fuck Omi?”

“I was there.”

“If you had stopped it this time he would have just found another. He’s a persistent bastard like that.”

Kiyoomi pushes down his guilt for a moment to ask, “What are we going to do?”

“Osamu is pretty adamant that I go to the police, the pictures, if they exist, are technically child pornography.”

Biting on his lip he asks “Will you?”

“It's hard to think that far out.”

Kiyoomi nods, feeling his hair brush against the man on his shoulder.

Every few minutes a staff member walks by and glances into the room. Most just smile and continue on.

“Rounds” Atsumu says

“What?”

“Those of us who are…a danger to ourselves, the staff checks on us every five minutes. Even when we sleep.”

“Oh. That sucks.”

“Heh, yeah, it's just a part of it.”

The “it” being trying to kill yourself.

“As long as you don't keep getting hurt, I will support whatever you choose to do.”

He hears Atsumu sniff and whisper, “Ok.”

Atsumu squeezes his hand, and nuzzles in deeper, “Omi?”

“Mhm?”

“Thank you. I'm glad I'm not dead. Thank you.”

“You don't even know how glad I am”

“I hurt you.”

Kiyoomi pauses for a moment, considering how best to respond. “It…it really was awful”.

Atsumu doesn't respond with anything but another wet sniffle.

A staff member knocks and says “5 minutes” before moving on.

Atsumu groans next to him. Kiyoomi gives a soft smile, “I'll come back, if you'll have me.”

“Omi…”

“Yes?”

“Can we hug before you go?”

“Sure” he says with a light, smiling voice.

They both stand and Kiyoomi envelopes the slightly short man into his arms. He feels shuddering breaths travel through Atsumu, his face pressed into his shoulder and neck. Arms cling to his back, fists gathering the fabric of his shirt. He hears Atsumu’s shaking voice repeat the phrase “I'm sorry”. Kiyoomi holds on tighter, his cheek resting against short blonde hair. “I love you” he whispers back, and then he is being collected to leave the unit. Kiyoomi gives his hand a final squeeze and leaves.

His heart feels…sad, like an ache. That ache follows him home. The ache hurts, but it also feels…hopeful. Atsumu isn't lost. He's not gone. He's here. He's hurting, but he's here.

Chapter Text

Osamu and Kiyoomi are both waiting outside of the locked door. The buzzer has been pressed. The two men haven't spent much time together and the quiet space between them is painfully awkward. But they both love the same man, and that helps.

A staff member collects them and brings them to Atsumu's room.

Atsumu is writing in a journal on his bed when they enter. He closes it and places it onto his nightstand. Osamu sits on the bed next to him and Kiyoomi drags the chair over. Atsumu reaches out a hand and Kiyoomi gives it a squeeze before releasing it.

“Thanks for coming”

Osamu scoffs, “You're so dang formal around Kiyoomi”.

Atsumu laughs and slaps a hand into his brother's shoulder. He no longer has full gauze bandages around his arm but the wound is still covered.

“Jerk” Atsumu retorts. Atsumu grabs his journal and opens it, “I think I know what I want to do”.

Osamu and Kiyoomi both wait to hear.

“I am going to tell the police what happened. But I also want to get ahead of the potential…leaked photos.”

Atsumu sighs, “there is no way to guarantee that the photos won't wind up on the Internet, and that the story won't blow up.”

“And the most recent photo of me in my Jackals uniform could be especially damning”

Kiyoomi feels his heart race as he tries to control his body from flinching. He hadn't known about that.

“I think I want to do a press release of some kind, where I tell my story for myself, rather than let the news do it.”

Osamu nods and offers his thoughts “Honestly, that is a good idea Tsumu”

Atsumu shoots him a look “Don't act so surprised ya jerk”

Then quieter, “I'm going to have to tell the team first…not that I'd be able to hide this from them anyways” he says as he holds up his bandaged arm.

Atsumu leans back, “I think there is a good chance that this might be the end of my volleyball career.”

Kiyoomi wants to disagree…but who knows what will happen if everything comes to light.

Osamu places a hand on his knee. “If the world can't handle ya, that's their fault.”

Atsumu gives a small smile at that, and glances up at Kiyoomi, “If the Jackals lose you, they lose me too.”

“Omi…you can't do that.”

Kiyoomi just shrugs, he knows what he wants, and he doesn't want to be on a team that would terminate a contract over this.

Atsumu sighs, “Do you think I can just do it in the group chat?”

Osamu scoffs and Kiyoomi shakes his head.

“Yeah…”

…

Kiyoomi isn't getting a lot of sleep. He has nightmares almost every night. They oscillate between the scene in the bathroom, and horrible visions of things Atsumu may have had to endure. He doesn't want to see them, but nonetheless the brain produces them. Maybe it is the idea that there are pictures. That someday, on accident, he could see a the evidence of the moment Atsumu was being raped. His brain is trying to prepare.

The dreams are horrible. He is often in the room, unable to move, just forced to watch. In his dreams he can't close his eyes, he can't escape. Sometimes Atsumu looks at him, and his eyes plead, plead to make it stop.

Sometimes he is in Atsumu’s position. Those hurt in a different way.

Sometimes they are in their coaches office, where he knows something happened.

Sometimes it's all blood, and he can't get it off no matter how hard he tries.

And that's only if he does manage to fall asleep. The OCD behaviors have been making it really hard to settle down at night. As soon as he lies down he gets the notion that he's not clean. And once the thought is there, it's stuck. It's hard to fall asleep when your body is screaming “Dirty” at you.

He and his therapist have been working on harm reduction. He talked with the apartment maintenance man and had him turn down the hot water, so now all of Kiyoomi’s showers are lukewarm. He is also relying on hand sanitizer more because it is physically less abrasive than washing your hands for several minutes straight. These tactics keep his body safer but they don't stop the persistent thoughts and feeling of dread when he can't meet the thought’s demands.

He has resumed practice for about a week now, and fields a lot of questions about Atsumu. He remains vague, saying he is staying with family, and dealing with a family crisis, wanting to leave the truth to Atsumu. They all seem genuinely worried, and pester Kiyoomi to find out if there is anything they can do to help. It's a Friday. Atsumu is set to be released today, as long as nothing weird or concerning happens.

Kiyoomi has met up with Osamu to make sure Atsumu’s apartment is okay. They walk in together, and change their shoes. Kiyoomi immediately goes to the kitchen to wash his hands, like usual, and then freezes. The sink is clean. Way cleaner than he last left it. He knows a cleaning company that deals with biohazards came…but it's still jarring to see.

Osamu opens the fridge and whistles. “This will all need to be tossed…”

The smell hits Kiyoomi and he feels the urge to gag.

Kiyoomi moves to the living room and sees several dead plants…sorry guys.

The next step is to check the bathroom. Kiyoomi feels like he would rather walk on coals than walk to that room. Osamu sees him hesitate in the living room, “Don't worry, I can take that one” he says, “Can you do the bedroom?”

Kiyoomi nods and briskly walks past the bathroom, keeping his eyes glued to the wall. He feels ill. Maybe it was a mistake to come here. Once in the bedroom he feels his nerves ease. It's musty, he opens a window and lets the sunlight in. Kiyoomi makes himself busy tidying up and changing the bed sheets. He's never spent any time alone here before.

Once the room is in good shape, he starts to ‘de-suicide risk’ it. Osamu is going to be staying with Atsu for the first week, but he won't be home 24/7. This means going through things and making sure there is nothing potentially death causing hanging around.

He starts in Atsumu’s desk, opening drawers and looking through the contents. There are mostly books and papers, some journals. Kiyoomi has a moment of temptation to read them, instead he turns them upside down and shakes, making sure there are no hidden razors.

He moves into the dresser, pulling out neatly folded clothes until the drawer is baren. He returns all of the items except for a belt and mentally checks off that box.

The closet has a lot of different totes and boxes. He starts pulling out shoe size boxes from the upper shelf. He opens one and sees hundreds of physical photographs. Oh. He leaves those boxes on the bed and continues through the closet. Some boxes are old clothes, some are just random things like trophies and winter blankets. He finds a small box towards the back and opens it. It looks to be full of handwritten letters and some small trinkets. He flips through the contents to make sure nothing weird is hidden and sees the name “Nori”.

His hand freezes. These are…these are from then. He closes the box and puts that on the bed too.

He opens the drawers on the nightstand and…frankly if he had thought about it for even a second he would have been less shocked. He himself kept his private items in the same location. He quickly shuts it trying to banish the knowledge from his mind. I'll leave that for Osamu… wait… that's maybe worse, having to look at your twin’s…personal items. Kiyoomi takes a deep breath and reopens the drawer. There is lube, condoms, a few dental dams, and a decent sized dildo. Kiyoomi shakes the drawer, trying to move the items around without touching them. The drawer passes and he closes it again. This clears the bedroom. He wanders out and calls out “Osamu?”

“Still in the bathroom, it's all clean if you want to come in”

Kiyoomi knows he should, avoiding it completely won't solve anything. He walks himself to the doorway, takes a deep breath and turns to look in. It's spotless. The wall he had gotten blood on is clean too. He steps into the bathroom and sees Osamu putting various objects in a trash bag.

“Anything suspicious?”

“No just taking some medicine from a previous injury and the cleaning chemicals out”

Kiyoomi takes a good look at the tub. It's empty. And clean. His brain supplies the alternate memory. He holds onto the door frame and tries to ignore the thought.

“Should I go do the kitchen?”

“Naw it's pretty gross, I can do that, will you do the living room and hall closet?”

Kiyoomi leaves the bathroom doorway and begins pulling things out of the closet. He keeps out the extension cords and replaces everything else.

He moves to the living room and takes care of the depressingly dead plants. Being here is starting to get to him. He sits down for a second on the couch and tries to breathe and regulate. Osamu comes out with his trash bag and sees Kiyoomi. “You good?”

“Yeah…it's hard to be here.”

“I bet. Just knowing what happened here makes it hard. Do you need to step out?”

Kiyoomi shakes his head.

“Did you find anything in the bedroom?”

“I kept the belt out, and I found a box of things from your old coach.”

Osamu seems surprised by this, “Eh? Really? Like what?”

“Looked like letters, I didn't look too closely.”

“Hmmm, let's leave that out, Atsumu can decide to toss it or have one of us hang onto it for now.”

Osamu checks his watch and tsks, “I want to finish up here, do you want to go pick him up?”

“Are you sure? I could finish…he's your brother”

Osamu laughs, “I think he'd be more excited to see you than me”

Kiyoomi feels his face blush and he goes to the entryway to put his shoes on. Osamu walks up and hands him the keys to his vehicle. “Bring my brother home”.

Kiyoomi nods and walks out.

Chapter Text

Osamu doesn't have the moral resolve that Kiyoomi has, he immediately goes into the bedroom and finds the forbidden box. He opens it and starts to look through. As Kiyoomi said, most are letters. He reads through a few. They are sickening. Not in an explicit way, though some allude to past experiences. The sickening thing is how…in love…their coach seemed.

The fucking man is/was twisted. He talks about how much he loves Atsumu and how they were meant to be, and will be together forever, and how Atsumu is the “starshine” by which Nori finds his way. Fuck it makes Osamu want to hurl.

God what kind of sick fuck feels this way about their student? How can a 16 year old be the love of your life? You've got a wife and two fucking kids. Osamu wants to throw it all away now, but he knows it should be Atsumu’s decision. He digs deeper into the box and finds an envelope. He opens it and nearly does throw up.

He pushes the envelope back down onto the bed and closes his eyes, taking deep breaths. It's the photos. The ones that may have duplicates out there in the world.

It's fucking unsettling to see your own god damn face like that. Fuck. As sickening as the first glance was, Osamu has always wanted to know. Wanted to know what exactly his brother had to live through. He bites his lip. This is so fucked up. It's so fucked up that these even exist. That Atsumu kept them.

Osamu opens his eyes and slides one photo out of the envelope. It's a picture of Atsumu’s face, his head is turned and he is firmly being pushed down into a bed. His eyes are closed, there are tear streaks coming from his eyes.

Osamu covers his mouth, genuinely fighting back vomit, and returns the picture. Nope. Can't do this. He always knew that Atsumu was the stronger twin, but this…this is fucking crazy. It's a wonder he didn't try to off himself earlier.

Osamu puts the box back together and returns to the kitchen. His legs feel shaky, but he manages to finish cleaning out the fridge.

He is working on making a grocery list when Atsumu slams into the room, a wild look in his eyes.

…

Atsumu is awfully quiet on the drive back. He has a thoughtful look on his face as he looks out the car window. Kiyoomi enjoys just being in the other’s presence, even if they don't talk.

Atsumu lays his hand over Kiyoomi’s hand on the gear shift. Kiyoomi feels his heart race, still not fully used to the little touches they give each other. It's an odd kind of intimacy, having both their hands move as he shifts gear.

“I missed you,” Kiyoomi whispers into the quiet car.

Atsumu turns from looking out the window, “I missed you so much.”

Kiyoomi smiles, eyes sticking to the road.

Atsumu hums and then says “Once Osamu has to go back, we could do some sleepovers.”

“I'd like that lot.”

“Maybe…at your apartment?”

Kiyoomi quickly glances at him, “Are you nervous to go back?”

“Yeah…I'm nervous to be alone too. I haven't been alone in a while.”

Going from being checked on every 5 minutes to being totally alone…that would be jarring. They near Atsumu's apartment and Kiyoomi pulls up front. He kills the engine and just sits for a minute with his person. He turns his hand on the gear shift to properly hold hands.

“As long as you keep telling us what hurts we can help you” Kiyoomi says gently.

Atsumu sighs, “Well, shall we? Osamu’s up there?”

“Yup.” Kiyoomi takes his hand back and opens the car door. He grabs Atsumu’s bag out of the back and comes around the side. Atsumu is still sitting in the car. Kiyoomi lowers his head to look through the window and sees that Atsumu is staring. He looks up to see what he's looking at. An older man is walking towards their car, and he looks kind of familiar…Kiyoomi looks back down at Atsumu and notices that he's not just staring, he's shaking.

Kiyoomi looks back up at the approaching man and the recognition hits him. He opens Atsumu's car door and pulls him out. “Go inside.” Atsumu doesn't move. Kiyoomi gives him a shove towards the door, “Atsumu. Go. Inside.” The stern voice seems to get through to him and he goes inside.

The man watches Atsumu go, and then turns to Kiyoomi.

“Aren't you that player from Itachiyama?”

He looks Kiyoomi up and down and then gives a sickening smile, “Ah, you're on the Jackals right? You and Atsumu seem…close.”

Kiyoomi glances at the door, making sure Atsumu is gone. He feels calm. Way too calm.

The man steps closer. “Wonder if you'd still talk to him if you knew what a slut he is”

Kiyoomi steps forwards and pulls his spiking arm back in a fist. He is going to fucking clock this sicko. Nori steps back in surprise and trips, falling onto his backside. The fucking pig attempts to scramble backwards. Kiyoomi still stands over him, arm pulled back.

The fucking rapist sees him hesitate and sneers, “Oh, do you already know then? Did you know he-” Kiyoomi lunges forwards and is caught by arms around his shoulders.

Osamu is speaking in his ear, “Not worth it man. We will get him but not like this.”

Kiyoomi struggles to break free but Osamu has him pretty tight.

Osamu yells at Nori “Get lost or I’ll let him fucking take you, ya damn bastard.”

Nori gets up and spits at their feet. Kiyoomi is seething. The bastard leaves but Osamu continues to hold onto Kiyoomi. Kiyoomi feels his chest heave, his hands are still in fists. Osamu lets go and Kiyoomi falls to his knees, apparently the other man had been holding him up in addition to holding him back.

He sees droplets darken the ground under his face. Osamu’s hand is on his back, “Come in man, we gotta check on Atsumu”

Kiyoomi nods and lets Osamu help him up.

They walk back in together, and don't find Atsumu. It's not a big apartment. They each check the rooms and he's not there.

Kiyoomi feels like he is going to fly apart into a million pieces. Where the fuck is he?

He hears Osamu talking in the bedroom, he runs in and sees Osamu kneeling on the ground outside of the closet, door cracked.

Thank God. Kiyoomi sits on the bed and listens to Osamu's gentle voice. He knows where Atsumu lives. This is bad. Kiyoomi almost decked him. That would have been really bad. He was trying to hurt Atsumu again. That would have been the worst.

Osamu coaxes Atsumu out, who sits on the bed with Kiyoomi, he leans over and rests his whole upper body over Kiyoomi’s lap. Kiyoomi's hands rub soothing circles on his back, “I'm sorry I pushed you.”

“It's okay Omi, you were keeping me safe.”

“We shouldn't stay here,” Osamu says, taking the desk chair.

“Let's use my apartment, there is room for you two to take the bed, and the couch pulls out.”

Osamu nods and looks at Atsumu who says “Ok.”

Chapter Text

Osamu drives them across town to Kiyoomi’s place. Once outside the door, the realization that two men are going to be living in his apartment actually hits him.

He hesitates to open the door, “Um, there are some things I should take care of before you come in.” He tries to give Osamu a meaningful look.

Osamu seems to get it and nods. Atsumu looks between the two men, “That seems like overkill guys, I'm not gonna--”

“Go ahead,” Osamu says, cutting the other off. Kiyoomi lets himself in and closes the door on Atsumu whining to his brother about why this isn't necessary.

Firstly, of course Kiyoomi has razors, they are very good at precision. He collects those. He doesn't currently have any alcohol, so that's fine. He gathers his extension cords and puts them in a box that he can give to his neighbor to hold on to. Last is his own nightstand. There is absolutely no need for either of the Miya twins to have this knowledge. He takes his various toys and buries them in a box full of winter clothes.

He looks around. He's really going to have two men living here. He hopes Osamu keeps tidy like Atsumu. He's nervous. This might not have been a great idea. With how bad his OCD intrusive thoughts have been, throwing this new development on top of it…he emails his therapist. Might need an extra session this week.

He puts the razor blades in his pocket to throw away in the dumpster, and grabs the box of cords. He opens the front door to see Osamu on his phone and Atsumu absolutely pouting. “Ready, make yourselves at home, I'm going to take care of this”.

“Omiiii” comes the whine.

“It's cause we love you” Kiyoomi responds as he passes them to continue his objective.

…

Osamu enters the apartment first and once the door is closed he cracks a cheeky smile and says “So…we are using the ‘L’ word now?”

Atsumu grumbles something under his breath.

“What’s that little bro?”

“It's new.” Atsumu says louder.

Osamu turns, dialing back the jokes, “Hey, I'm happy for you. This has been a long time coming…remember that first back rub?”

Atsumu’s face colors.

Osamu makes his way to the bedroom. The apartment is as meticulous as you would expect. Atsumu follows him, carrying his own bag.

Osamu walks up to the nightstand, “Think he's got anything freaky?”

Atsumu’s face is now bright red, “Samu!”

Osamu’s hand rests on the drawer knob. Atsumu doesn't actually tell him to stop.

He opens to see an empty drawer. “Ah man, he hid it!” Atsumu comes closer to peer inside.

Atsumu breathes out a sigh of relief, “You're bad for my heart Samu”

Osamu sits on the bed, “Speaking of bad for the heart, Kiyoomi found your box of relics”

“Relics?”

“Letters from Coach”

“Oh…did Kiyoomi…”

“No he's too good, he didn't look, but I did.”

“Samu” he says quietly, face bright as a tomato, a horrified expression etched on.

“It's up to you if you want to keep the letters, but those pictures…”

“You didn't.” Atsumu says and grabs onto his arm.

“Only saw enough to know what they were.”

He hears Atsumu take a deep breath next to him, still clutching onto his arm.

Osamu guides him to sit down next to him, arm around his back, “Why did you keep them all this time?”

“It…it felt like if I had ‘em they were mine.”

Osamu stays quiet, wanting to give Tsumu space to talk.

“Made it feel, less like…what it really was.”

“What was it?” Osamu asks gently.

“Assault. Even though I didn't know it at the time.”

He holds onto his brother until they hear the front door open. Atsumu jumps in his arms, but relaxes when he hears Kiyoomi call out.

Osamu stands and helps Atsumu up too, “Ready for some real food?”

“God yes, the hospital food sucked.”

Osamu laughs and ruffles his little brother's hair.

…

Kiyoomi is sitting on the couch, attempting to read. Atsumu is in the bedroom napping or resting. Osamu is out getting groceries. Apparently Kiyoomi’s current stock of food was insufficient.

As soon as he gets a few sentences down the page the words stop having meaning, his eyes still read but he's not getting it. After repeating the same paragraph four times he stops. He puts the book down and closes his eyes.

He hears the bedroom door open and says “Hey Atsu” without opening his eyes. Footsteps quietly pad closer and Kiyoomi feels himself smile.

That smile vanishes when something very heavy lands on his lap. His body is slow to react, his eyes open to see the collar of a shirt, and then wet lips are on his neck. His brain screams “Atsumu is on you”. Kiyoomi feels his arms raise, hands open in midair. Then the tight ass of his fantasies is grinding down on his crotch.

His hands grab onto Atsumu’s biceps and force him away from his neck. It's hard to think through his brain chanting that Atsumu is on him.

“Omi it's okay”

Kiyoomi can't get words to work but he shakes his head, holding Atsumu firmly.

That ass grinds down again and Kiyoomi feels himself blink several times, stunned.

“You're taking care of me, let me take care of you,” Atsumu attempts to lean back into his neck, but Kiyoomi holds firm.

“No.” The sound is like a breath, punched out of his lungs.

Atsumu sits back, hurt settling on his face.

Kiyoomi tries to explain “It's…I'm not…” his brain stalls, still trying to compute that the man is on his lap.

Atsumu’s face crumples, and he lets himself be held in place, face pointing down. “Why?” He asks quietly.

Kiyoomi’s mouth opens but he can't make a sound.

Atsumu brings his hands up to his eyes and then tugs on his short hair, “I thought…I thought…do you think I'm…”

Kiyoomi releases the man’s arms and brings his hands to cup his face. Kiyoomi is pretty sure he knows what Atsumu is thinking.

“You're not dirty.” He says and Atsumu's face flies upwards to meet his gaze.

“I do want you, like that, but I need time, and maybe you do too.”

There are tears on Atsumu’s face. Kiyoomi finds that his fingers are wiping them away.

“There is no rush. There is nothing that needs to be paid back,” he reassures.

“Fuck,” Atsumu whispers, bringing his forehead to rest on Kiyoomi’s shoulder, “I fucked this up”.

“Just a mistake, nothing is broken” Kiyoomi wraps his arms around Atsumu’s middle, hands laying flat against his back.

“I'm sorry” he whispers.

“I'm sorry that you felt like you needed to do that.” Kiyoomi murmurs.

“I think my brain is confused,” Atsumu says.

“You've had a lot happen.”

He feels Atsumu nod against his shoulder.

This is nice. Now that it's not a surprise, having Atsumu close like this is nice.

“Do you want to watch a show with me?”

Atsumu climbs off of him, settling to the side instead. Kiyoomi wraps his arm around and holds Atsumu.

Kiyoomi feels him shiver and pulls him closer. He turns and puts a gentle kiss to the top of Atsumu's head. From above he can see Atsumu’s ear turn pink, but he doesn't say anything. They watch some cooking show until their own personal cook arrives.

After putting the groceries down Osamu comes into the living room and ruffles Atsumu’s hair. “After we eat let's talk about the plan”.

Atsumu turns to stick his tongue out at Osamu who scoffs and leaves for the kitchen.

“You're a bit different with him” Kiyoomi says.

Atsumu laughs, “and he says I'm different with you.”

“I guess I wouldn't want you to treat me like a sibling” Kiyoomi says as he leans his cheek against Atsumu’s head.

“Yeah, I can say for sure I've never climbed in his lap like that.”

That nearly makes Kiyoomi choke on his own spit.

Once recovered he finds Atsumu’s hand and gives it a squeeze. His heart feels so damn full. Kiyoomi has never felt this with anyone else before. The feelings are so big that they nearly scare him - they have scared him - the harder you love the harder you can fall. I hope I don't fall, he thinks

Chapter Text

Atsumu hasn't left the apartment in 5 days. He gets it, he had a horrible reintroduction into society, but it's also deeply unsettling. He remembers his own mother’s stints inside growing longer and longer until they just…stopped. And the more Kiyoomi pushed her to get out, the harder she pushed back. He isn't sure how much he should push and encourage Atsumu, if at all.

Kiyoomi tries to ease his mind with the knowledge that Atsumu has a regular therapist since the hospital. He hopes he's telling his therapist about not leaving the house…

He comes up with opportunities each day. Want to come to the library? Want to get Boba? Want to hit the park and practice? Atsumu provides a good reason to say no to each. The worry grows bigger. What is he going to do if…no it'll be okay. It won't be like his mom.

Osamu is out at the restaurant but he will be back tonight. Kiyoomi is trying to figure out how to broach the subject tumbling around in his brain. Atsumu is working over the stove, apron cinched at his waist, a hand on his hip. Leave it to Atsumu to make cooking look so sexy.

“Atsu…”

“Mhm?” He stays over the stove, back turned.

“How are you going to tell the team? And give your statement?”

The hand he had been using the stir, hesitates, “I just will. No biggie Omi”

“But…how?

Atsumu turns, hand still on his hip “What are you saying Omi?”

“You haven't left the apartment since you got here.”

Atsumu looks down, stirring spoon still in hand, “It's only been a few-”

“Today is day 6”

“Oh. Okay. Yeah. I might be a little nervous”

“It's okay to be nervous. You honestly have every right to be. But, I'm worried that by avoiding things, they are just going to get bigger and harder.”

Atsumu turns back to the pot and stirs. His shoulders sag, “So can't just hide here forever, huh?”

“I will help anyway I can,” Kiyoomi says, trying to gently encourage Atsumu to not shut down.

“Can we start with the team? Once that is done I might have more room to think about going to the police station.”

“Sure Atsu, anything you need.”

…

Somehow 11 extra people fit into Kiyoomi’s apartment. They have to move the couch up against the wall, and 12 quite large (save Hinata) men sit in a rough circle. Kiyoomi is trying his best not to lose it.

He is really, really trying not to lose it.

All of their teammates are being on their best behavior, even the rowdy ones. Everyone seems a little unsettled, finding themselves in the impossible situation of being in Sakusa Kiyoomi’s apartment.

They chat quietly, but the anxiety in the air is palpable. Osamu is most likely giving Atsumu a pep talk in the bedroom. Kiyoomi is seated next to their captian Meian, an empty space for future Atsumu on his other side.

Meian keeps glancing at Kiyoomi’s hands. He knows it's distracting, how his fingers rub together when he's nervous, but this tic might be the only thing keeping him from actually screaming.

Meian leans over, still giving Kiyoomi a decent amount of personal space, “How worried should I be right now?” He asks.

“Decently.”

Meian straightens back up. “Alright then”.

Kiyoomi hears the bedroom door open and his heart rate increases. He is nervous for Atsumu. He knows this is going to be so hard.

Atsumu walks in, a hand scratching at the back of his neck, “Hey guys”.

The Jackals curb their side conversations and look up to Atsumu. He takes a seat next to Kiyoomi, “I'm just going to try and rip this band-aid off. Thanks for coming, it's possible I've found myself in a shit storm.”

Kiyoomi sees several teammates lean forwards, and he feels Atsumu's hand scramble to grab his.

“So, those of you who are older know about my school's coaching scandal. That was me. I was 16, it sucked, he went to jail.”

Atsumu takes a shuddering breath and Kiyoomi squeezes his hand.

“Anyways, fast-forward and he gets out of jail and finds me again. He…he hurt me and says that he has pictures of me that are pretty damning. I kinda freaked out after that and did this…”

Atsumu pulls the sleeve of his sweatshirt up and shows a long puckered, half healed scar on his wrist.

A chorus of gasps sound around the circle.

Atsumu pulls his sleeve back down, “So obviously something has to give. I'm going to go public with my story and go to the police. It's possible the pictures will surface anyways. They are…really bad.”

Atsumu turns to their coach now, “I know you don't actually have control over what the board decides about my contract. I hope I can stay, but I know it's a long shot.”

When Atsumu finishes the room is eerily quiet for a moment. Hinata clears his throat, his voice shy, “Thank you for sharing Atsumu. I have my own…history and spent some time hospitalized. It's…it's hard to feel alone with it. Thank you for sharing. I want to help in any way I can.”

“Thanks Shoyo” Atsumu replies, looking down towards the ground.

Their coach stands up abruptly, “I think I need to take a walk,” he says and leaves the apartment. The Jackals watch his back as he goes, and stare at the spot even when the door is closed.

Bokuto is the first to break the silence. “When can you play?”

Atsumu looks down at his clothed arm, “I'm supposed to give it another month before I'm rough on it. But I can set and serve.”

“Well, that settles that, shall we?” Bokuto leans forward, eagerness in his eyes.

Kiyoomi looks over at Atsumu, who is looking around the circle. “There is a park with a net down the street.” Atsumu says.

The men all begin to stand, and wander out of the apartment. Kiyoomi feels his eyes start to tear up. They really do have an amazing team. His hand is still wrapped up with Atsumu’s. The apartment is emptying, leaving Kiyoomi and Atsumu alone.

Kiyoomi pulls the other closer, bringing his mouth up to above Ataumu’s shoulder to whisper “I'm so proud of you.”

Atsumu gasps and turns his head, bringing their faces only an inch apart. Kiyoomi can feel the gentle wind of Atsumu’s breath. They are so close, Kiyoomi finds himself lost in golden eyes. Atsumu’s free hand comes to rest on Kiyoomi’s hip. “Can I…?” Atsumu whispers, eyes glancing down to Kiyoomi’s lips.

Kiyoomi gives a quick, tiny nod, and then soft lips are pressing against his own. He closes his eyes, and feels everything clearly. Atsumu’s hand gripping his waist, their fingers joined together, soft lips right against his own. Atsumu pulls back, and Kiyoomi opens his eyes.

Atsumu’s face is blushed, mouth slightly parted, eyes half lidded.

“Oi! You two coming?” Osamu is leaning against the door frame, a knowing smile on his face. Atsumu steps back, keeping their hands together and groans, “You're killing me Samu”

Osamu rolls his eyes and exits the room.

Atsumu gives a little tug on Kiyoomi’s arm, “Guess we should go.”

“Guess so” Kiyoomi says through an enormous smile.

Chapter Text

Something about having 11 massive, strong men walking in a group down the street, makes the world a lot less scary. They find Coach outside, hungrily smoking a cigarette against the side of the building. He tags along on their outing, but keeps to the back.

Atsumu is in the middle of the swarm, listening to snippets of the side conversations. He missed this. God he fucking missed this. Being socially alone, but never actually physically alone in the hospital…just having all of his friends around him, chatting, joking, it's lovely. It's really fucking lovely. Atsumu forces his tears to stay back. Not gonna cry over loving my team, he thinks.

At the park the gang starts up a game. Atsumu hangs back to stretch. He really is going to be rusty. There is only so much you can do to stay in shape in a hospital and then in a tiny apartment that isn't actually yours.

He is sitting down, leaning forwards to stretch out his legs, feeling the burn all the way up to his hips. Their Coach comes up beside him, and sits down as well.

“My office? After the game?”

Shit. I mean, their coach never let anything past him, including this.

“Yeah, sorry, I was trying to grab my paperwork” Atsumu says, leaning a little too far into the stretch.

“Don't you dare apologize” it is said with an even tone, but Atsumu feels how much his coach fucking means it.

Atsumu sits back up and starts doing his arms, he turns to look at the older man beside him. Coach’s face is unreadable, but definitely whatever he is feeling is intense.

“I'm going to do whatever I can to keep you on the team, if that's what you want.”

“It is.” He responds quietly, “thank you.”

Kiyoomi walks over, nodding his head politely to Coach, “We need one more player to actually have a game, do you feel up for it?”

“Yeah, I can't receive though, so put me on the team with the better defense”

“I'm just going to keep my setter up front, we don't have to follow official rules.”

Atsumu feels the back of his neck warm, ‘My setter’ and then his mind reminds him of how damn soft Omi’s lips are.

He takes the warm hand and stands. He looks to the net and sees all of his teammates looking back, smiling.

Oh. I'm loved. They all know and they still want me here. I'm not alone. He catches sight of Osamu on the other side of the net.

“Ready to get wrecked?” Samu calls out.

Atsumu smiles and stalks over to the court “Not on yer life!”

…

Atsumu does get wrecked. Kind of. His team holds their own but Atsumu’s arm is not like it used to be. It is his left, injured arm…obviously. He knew in his head that cutting it open like that would change it, but it's weird to actually feel it.

It almost feels like everything is a little more stiff, less sensitive than it used to be. He causes several dud sets, each ball leaning too far to the left, nearly hitting the spiker's face before his teammates adjust.

His teammates really are quite incredible, able to reconfigure after just a few misses. Kiyoomi edits a step out of his windup, resulting in him being able to match the side tilting ball. Fuck. I ruined our perfect set, he thinks as the ball is received by Hinata on the other side.

Kiyoomi must see the sour look on his face “Injuries can happen to anyone, and as a result play style has to change.”

It's a little different if you do it on purpose to yourself, he thinks.

His arm is starting to hurt, not used to being flexed so much. Osamu on the other side is keeping an eye on him and calls out “Water break!”.

Sitting on a bench, Atsumu looks up to see a wall of Kiyoomi and Osamu. “Does it hurt?” Osamu asks.

“A little sore, but it's not hurting it to play.”

Kiyoomi eyes him wearily, “It's most important that we let it actually heal.”

Osamu butts in, “Unless you were planning on ending your career today…”

Atsumu leans back, looking up at a blue sky and groans. He's being loved so hard it's a bit suffocating. It's nice.

…

After that afternoon Atsumu starts going to practice. He and Kiyoomi agree to always arrive and leave together. Atsumu feels watched like a hawk, anytime he steps away from the dark haired man. Again, it's nice.

He can only do a short amount of practice, he is currently working on his jump serve, at least he can still do this. Only his right arm is involved for both the toss and the hit.

Shoyo-kun is on the other side of the net, taking the receives. It's good practice for both of them. And the look of wonder when Shoyo takes a particularly powerful hit helps Atsumu’s bruised ego.

He has worked up a sweat and signals that he's going to take a break. Shoyo comes and sits next to him, drinking some water, glancing over every few seconds.

“What's on your mind?”

Shoyo jumps a little and laughs nervously.

“Just…I don't know anyone else that has been through what we’ve been through”

Atsumu hums, the same is true for himself.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

Shoyo settles into his seat, “It happened once as a third year, that was another student, and then again as a fourth year, that time was an adult.”

Atsumu turns, feeling surprised, “Who was the adult?”

Shoyo fidgets, “I…I actually don't know. I had been drugged. I don't remember a whole lot.”

“Shiiit.”

“Yeah.”

Atsumu leans back, “Sometimes I wonder how people can do that, and like, live with themselves.”

Shoyo nods, “Wasn't like yours though”

“Fucking hell, don't try and compare that shit Sho”

Shoyo shrugs, “a whole year of it is worse than two instances.”

Atsumu sucks in a breath through his teeth. He doesn't agree. It was a weird circumstance because there were moments during that year that he wanted it. Like, overall he wanted to be let free, and get out of the relationship, but there were moments when those things were…exciting. It was exciting to be wanted like that. There were also times that it started okay, and took a turn into the bad. But it was never like…a surprise, or being attacked and raped…or drugged.

“How did you get through it?” Atsumu asks

“Tobio helped a lot, he was like your Sakusa. We also fought, like a ton, but in the end we worked it out.”

“Did you ever…do something like this?” He asks, placing his good hand over his left forearm.

Shoyo glances over to the scar, and shakes his head, “I used to hit myself a lot, but I never…”

Atsumu nods “that's good,” he says,“How are you doing with it now? You were a fourth year not too long ago.”

“Mmm, there are some days that are way harder than others, but…I feel like I'm going to be okay. You?”

“I feel like I'm drowning when I think about the next few weeks. But having you all, has helped a ton. I never thought…that people would still treat me the same after knowing.”

Shoyo nods at that, “It's hard to trust that people will stick around after.”

Trust. That word. The word that had started a lot for him and Kiyoomi. He knows Kiyoomi isn't doing good. But the man also refuses to talk about it, like he doesn't want to burden Atsumu. You're not a burden dummy. And it sucks feeling like he's being held at arm's length, like Kiyoomi doesn't trust him to know. Atsumu knows it's out of wanting to keep him safe, but it still hurts.

“What did you and Tobio-kun fight about?”

Shoyo’s chuckle is high pitched and insincere, he plays with the hem of his shorts “It's uh…it's really hard to explain.”

“It's fine you don't hav-”

Shoyo interrupts him, “No, like I totally would explain…if I could, it's just, it's kind of crazy. But the gist of it is that I hurt him really badly, I made him experience something awful. It took some time for each of us to come to terms with it.”

Boy does that sound familiar.

“I didn't mention this the other day, because I think in most cases it should be Omi’s story to tell, but he was the one who found me after I tried…to kill myself. It's been really hard, feeling alone with the guilt.”

Shoyo’s head is turned towards him, eyes like saucers, he then whips his head around to locate Kiyoomi on the court, “Hell”.

“Yup.” he lets it out in a breath.

Shoyo rests his elbows on his knees and puts his chin in his cupped hands. “He doesn't seem upset with you.”

“Maybe,” Atsumu responds, “but he is definitely hurting.”

Chapter Text

Warm lips give gentle pecks up the column of his neck. He hears himself sigh into the feelings, hair tickling his cheekbone. A hand gently grips his hip bone and the teasing kisses turn into lips mouthing over his pulse point. “Ah,” he gasps and the mouth on him smiles, and gives a little suck on the skin.

Kiyoomi closes his eyes and loses himself in the feeling of Atsumu's mouth. The lips travel down to the collar of his shirt, mouthing at the sensitive skin there. Kiyoomi’s breath is starting to come out in gentle pants. Atsumu gives him a little nip and Kiyoomi feels his hand fly up to run through soft hair. He immediately pulls his hand back out and whispers ‘Sorry’.

“Liked it,” Atsumu murmurs into his skin, and Kiyoomi brings his hand back to run along Atsumu’s undercut. Atsumu gives a pleased sound and presses a hot, open mouthed kiss below Kiyoomi’s ear. ‘Fuck, Atsumu”.

Atsumu brushes his lips against the shell of his ear, causing goosebumps to spread around his body, “Yes Omi?” comes a quiet whisper directly into his ear. Kiyoomi feels his body shiver at the close contact. “Feels good” he replies. Atsumu moves his lips to caress against the light stubble of his cheek. Kiyoomi resists the urge to tilt his head and meet those lips with his own. Atsumu continues his journey, leaving a kiss under his eye, the tip of his nose, over both of his forehead moles.

When Atsumu stretches over his face to kiss his forehead, Kiyoomi tilts his head to kiss the smooth neck in front of him. “Hey!” Atsumu jokingly chastises.

“Just repaying the favor” he retorts.

“It's my turn,” Atsumu says as he pokes his finger into Kiyoomi’s side. The touch sends a ticklish jolt through him and he retaliates. His hands creep to Atsumu’s armpits and causes a boisterous laugh to escape from the man. Then they are both laughing, unable to catch their breath, fingers digging into sensitive skin. Atsumu manages to get a “stop” in-between his laughs and Kiyoomi immediately stops the tickle assault. Atsumu is hovering slightly above him, smiling, panting, trying to catch his breath. His head falls to rest against Kiyoomi’s shoulder and he whispers through panting breaths, “Fuck I love you”.

Kiyoomi feels his own chest rise and fall as he catches his breath. Kiyoomi raises his hands to hold Atsumu’s face above his, and peers into those golden eyes. It feels like he could lose himself in them. Then the eyes are closed. Kiyoomi watches Atsumu’s face change from joy to slightly pained.

“Hey,” he says, brushing his thumb along Atsumu’s cheek, “What is it?”

“Im worried,” Atsumu takes a breath and reopens his eyes, “worried about you.”

Kiyoomi feels his head tilt against the pillow in confusion.

Atsumu continues, “We haven't talked about that day since the hospital.”

“Ah. yeah…” Kiyoomi hears his own voice falter, anxiety taking any confidence he had felt just moments ago.

Atsumu’s face is still framed by Kiyoomi’s hands, “I need us to take care of you, as much as we are taking care of me”.

Kiyoomi releases Atsumu's face and feels his hands come to press into his eyes. His gut is twisting at Atsumu's words, for some reason they feel uncomfortable, untrue…lies.

He feels Atsumu settle down on the bed beside him as he tries to breathe to prevent an outbreak of tears. They had just been kissing and laughing hadn't they?

Atsumu’s voice is gentle, “It's okay if you're not ready to talk about it.”

Eyes still covered, Kiyoomi responds, “It seems kind of messed up to have you help me with it.”

Atsumu pauses for a moment, “I think it might be something I need too. Coming to terms with what I've done, the hurt I've caused…has to be a part of this.”

Kiyoomi removes a hand and looks at Atsumu, his face is earnest, he means it.

Atsumu meets his eye and lifts his left arm, inviting Kiyoomi to cuddle. Kiyoomi self -consciously glances at the scar, before he scoots forwards and lays his head on Atsumu’s chest.

Kiyoomi can hear the deep rumble of Atsumu’s voice through his chest when he talks, “My therapist has been telling me about inviting others to ‘tell me the story' of what happened.” A brief pause, “I'm ready to hear the story when you are ready to tell it”.

“Will you tell me your story too?”

Atsumu stiffens under him, “I…I can try, it would have parts missing.”

Kiyoomi nods, he personally isn't sure how he would react to having every detail of that day, but he still wants to know Atsumu’s story. “Now?” He asks, voice shy.

“Yes. If you're up for it Omi. We can stop anytime.”

…

The weight of another on top of him, is usually insufferable and panic inducing. Even just someone’s head on his chest can cause that spike of adrenaline. Atsumu feels nervous, but not because Kiyoomi’s noggin is on him. That actually feels pretty nice, like a grounding weight.

The other man is taking a minute to collect his thoughts, and then he is going to say it. Say all the shit Atsumu put him through.

His voice starts gently, “You weren't there after I was done with the press. Our teammates said they thought you had left a while ago. Now I know you were probably still there.”

Despite his best efforts Atsumu takes a shaking breath, he knows Kiyoomi can feel it, “keep going” he encourages.

“I went to the bus and tried to call you, then I texted you. It felt weird that our routine wasn't happening. When I got home I texted Osamu who said you weren't picking up for him either. He asked me to check on you at home.”

Kiyoomi presses his face more directly into Atsumu’s chest, muffling the words slightly, “If I had just done that faster, or stayed at the gym, or…”

Atsumu knew Kiyoomi was harboring weird guilt about having been nearby during the assault, but he hadn't realized that he was blaming himself for this too. Atsumu rubs his back. Oh Omi.

Kiyoomi takes a steading breath, tears have started to leak out of him, and he sniffles to clear his nose, “So I go to your apartment and let myself in, and it seems like no one is home. I kept going because I thought maybe you had, like, conked out for the night already, but…”

Atsumu knows, vaguely, what happens next, the saving his life part is next. He feels dread in his stomach. As much hurt as he feels hearing this, Omi had to live it.

“The bathroom light was on.”

Kiyoomi’s pace of breath is picking up. Atsumu continues to rub his back and says, “Breath Omi, it's not happening, we are both here and safe.”

A half choked sob escapes the man on his chest, “When I saw…it was like my brain turned off, everything happened so fast. I've never seen so much blood before.”

Atsumu feels his throat tighten around the image, “Do you need to stop?”

Kiyoomi takes a shuddering breath and his hand clenches onto the fabric of Atsumu’s shirt. He shakes his head. “You?”

“Keep go’in Omi”

“It looked like you were asleep, you were still warm, and I thought I felt a pulse. I called the emergency line and they told me to press down with towels.”

Atsumu tries to imagine. Imagine the panic of finding a loved one half dead in a tub of blood. It's a horrifying thought.

“I pressed down so hard, I think if you had been awake you would have screamed…but you didn't move at all”

Atsumu thinks of the intense pain in the injury when he first woke up. That pain was Kiyoomi keeping him alive.

“I just kept pressing and then there were tons of people, they made me leave the bathroom, although I'm not quite sure how, my brain got really foggy.”

Atsumu feels a few tears leak out of his own eyes. He tries to not make a sound, not wanting to disrupt Omi from his story.

“I remember standing in the hallway, until I couldn't stand anymore. Then they were taking you out on a stretcher. I tried to get up and got blood all over your wall. I hadn't realized my hands were bloody until that moment.”

Atsumu adjusts his arm to hold Kiyoomi.

“The next thing I remember is washing my hands, and they just couldn't get clean. I'm not sure how long I washed before Osamu called you.” He takes a breath,“I honestly don't know how I got to the hospital.” The tone in his voice gives the clue that he is done with his story, at least for now.

He buries his face into a now damp shirt, and his breath hiccups. “You can cry Omi, lord knows I've cried all over you.”

Kiyoomi gives a slight, shuddering chuckle, before another hiccup interrupts him, and then he lets go, and cries.

Atsumu has seen tears, seen watery eyes, seen his quivering lip, but this is the first he has seen Kiyoomi just sob. His body quakes, and he open-mouth cries against Atsumu. The sounds that come out of his throat are pure grief and pain. Atsumu quietly lets his own tears fall, feeling the cold tracks they leave down his cheek and neck.

Atsumu wonders how this pain translates for Omi. Is he mad at Atsumu? I'm sorry. I'm sorry, he thinks. I can't take it back and I'm sorry.

Atsumu buries a hand into soft curls and holds the crying man close to him. I love you. I'm so sorry.

…

God he hates crying. It feels so gross, like he can feel every bit of mucus in his nose and throat. And he hates feeling stuffed up, like he can't breath through his nose…more germs that way. But this hit him like a freight train, and there is no stopping it now. He feels strong arms around him and stops trying to fight it.

And even though crying still sucks, the blow is lessened by being held like this. Talented hands rub across his back through his shirt, soothing some primal part of him that becomes exposed when sobbing like this. He feels himself grab on, wanting to be closer, not wanting to let the other man go, never wanting to feel fear like that again.

“I've got you” he hears Atsumu say into his hair.

For some reason, that makes him cry even harder.

He's not sure how long Atsumu holds him, but eventually Kiyoomi’s body is all cried out. He body feels bone tired. Atsumu is still running fingers along his back.

‘Thank you” he says once he feels confident his voice won't crack. He lets out a big sigh, feeling all the residual tension leave his body. “I haven't done that in a long time.”

“No problem Omi, I like being close to ya”

Kiyoomi hums and wraps his arms around Atsumu's middle, unwilling to give up this new snuggle.

“Thank you for sharing. I…I can't even express how sorry I am, and how thankful I am you saved me.”

Despite probably being dehydrated Kiyoomi feels his eyes rewater. “I knew I loved you then, it was so scary, I thought I had been too late, there was so much blood.”

“I know it might be hard to believe me, but I'm never, ever, going to make you go through that again. Ever Omi. I'm here to stay.”

Frankly, it is hard to believe. But Kiyoomi tries. He tries to believe that the other man means it.

“I did really like it though.”

Atsumu’s voice hesitates, “what?”

“The kissing. Your mouth is…as talented as your hands.”

“Oh.” Atsumu breathes out, “Yeah, I really liked it too. You're noises…kinda drive me crazy.”

“I do not make noises!” Kiyoomi angles his head to look up at Atsumu who laughs.

Atsumu's eyes are heavily lidded, looking almost straight down to see Kiyoomi on his chest. The hand on his back shifts to tangle into his hair. “Prove it.” He says, a cheeky smile on his lips.

Kiyoomi’s heart hammers in his chest as he accepts the challenge invitation, and pulls himself up to meet Atsumu. Their lips moves slowly against each other, starting chaste, enjoying the feeling of soft skin together.

The kiss doesn't turn hot, but it does turn deep. Like all of the emotion that Kiyoomi just expressed is making itself known through their movement together. It stays slow, unrushed, but passionate. They shift to feel each other's mouths, and Kiyoomi is willing to admit it, maybe he makes noise.

Hands stay in his hair, holding onto him and tilting his head to reach at each other deeper. The kiss feels like it is saying, maybe even yelling, ‘I love you’.

When Kiyoomi reluctantly pulls back he sees a soft, blushed version of Atsumu under him. Kiyoomi ducks down to give him a peck on the cheek and rolls onto his own section of bed.

Kiyoomi never really dated. There were a few people, but they never got past a date or two. Kiyoomi was either too prickly, or the other person didn't meet his OCD’s standards. He's never felt this before. This…huge warm, almost overwhelming love in his chest. Like, he can be at his worst and still just love and be loved. He looks over to see Atsumu staring with a soft gaze at him. Kiyoomi feels himself blush under the attention. This man might be the death of him.

Chapter Text

Neither of them want to go back to Atsumu's place, but avoiding it completely isn't exactly great either. Avoiding a beast only makes it bigger. So they go.

There are still three boxes on the bed, two of photographs, and one of letters.

Kiyoomi doesn't want Atsumu living here. And he doesn't imagine Atsumu wants to live here either. Their goal today is to pack up some more things to bring to Kiyoomi’s. Kiyoomi’s long term goal is to convince Atsumu to fully move in with him.

Atsumu is going through drawers, packing clothes while Kiyoomi looks through childhood photographs. Before they dyed their hair the Miya twins are a bit harder to tell apart. They are together in nearly every single photo. It's hard for Kiyoomi to imagine having a sibling like that but seeing the two of them together as they grow up, makes an acute sense of longing arise. Kiyoomi pulls out certain photos that he particularly likes. He lays them out on the bed around him. One is of just Atsumu, waist deep in ocean water, hair plastered to his head, he looks about 9. Another is of the both of them dressed up identically in little tuxes, in front of an arrangement of flowers, the back says ‘Auntie’s wedding’, they are about 5. The third is of the Miya twins in their highschool uniforms, arms linked, smiles wide, a gym wall in the background.

Atsumu drops the bag he had been filling to the ground and plops himself onto the bed. He looks at the arrangement of photos. “Why these?” He asks.

Kiyoomi shrugs, he's not exactly sure himself.

Atsumu pulls the letter box over to himself and opens it. Kiyoomi glances up and then continues to look through photos.

Atsumu starts removing the contents of the box, making little piles. He looks through some of the letters, scoffing as he goes, “Jesus” he murmurs.

Kiyoomi looks up to see Atsumu reading a handwritten letter. “Get a load of this…” Atsumu clears his throat to read aloud, “To my starshine, the light that guides me. I think of you always, your beautiful mind, your soul, your body. I am always thinking of the day we can be together truly, no sneaking, just love. We are going to make each other so happy, you already make me so happy.”

Atsumu looks up to Kiyoomi “At the time it really seemed like he loved me, I thought that the hurt was just a part of love. But really he was just horny and desperate for someone to give a shit about him and his sad little life.” Atsumu pauses, picking up another letter, “Or maybe he really did love me, in his own twisted way.”

Next Atsumu picks up an envelope, he opens the flap and starts quietly counting under his breath as he thumbs through the contents. He drops the envelope into his bag and says, “Will you pick out 23 pictures you’d like to bring with us? Happy ones?”

Kiyoomi nods and starts going through the box again. He is certainly curious about Atsumu's motives, why 23? But he trusts the man to tell him if he wants to.

He finds more pictures, absolutely falling in love with one of Atsumu as a toddler in a field of flowers with a flower crown on his head. Well, he's going to have to check to make sure it's Atsumu, they do look awfully similar so young. Kiyoomi finds some family pictures of Osamu, Atsumu, and their mom. There is no dad in any of the pictures. Atsumu has only brought him up one time, maybe he was hardly around?

Kiyoomi finally collects 23 and hands them to Atsumu who is still reading, a disgusted look on his face. Atsumu pauses to look through the photos, a fond smile replacing his earlier grimace. “Hmm, these are all me, how do you tell me and Samu apart?”

“Your smile is a little different”

Atsumu grins, “These are really good, thank you.”

“Of course,” Kiyoomi says, “Are those coming with us?”

Atsumu chews on the inside of his cheek, “Naw, they can stay here.” He puts the letters back into the box and replaces the lid, “Ready?”.

“Ready.”

…

Atsumu is sitting on the floor, cross legged, in front of the couch Omi is sitting on. With legs on either side of his shoulders, Kiyoomi plays with his hair, gently massaging his scalp.

Atsumu is supposed to go to the police station in a few hours, and then they will release the video he made. He leans into the fingers raking along his head. “What if…what if it technically isn't even something criminal.” Kiyoomi uses his grip to gently tilt Atsumu’s head back, to look at him. “Atsumu…”

“Like, he did technically give me a choice, I could have walked out, I think.”

“He threatened you, and took your picture without your consent.”

“I just…I'm an adult now, it's different.”

Kiyoomi is quiet, continuing to run fingers through his short hair.

Atsumu tilts his head back down, “I think…I'm having second thoughts. What if we just don't do anything and he never even releases the pictures.”

Kiyoomi leans forwards, resting his chin on the top of Atsumu's head. “I told you back then, as long as no one hurts you I will support your decision.”

Atsumu misses the fingers, “Do you think it's a bad idea?”

“Do you want my opinion or do you want reassurance?”

“Opinion.”

“I think it can't hurt to go and give a statement and ask them if it qualifies as a crime, which it should. Then we can use that information to make a decision on pressing charges and the video.”

Atsumu nods, and reaches back to grab a hand and pull it back to his hair. “Okay fine. Pet me.”

“So demanding,” Kiyoomi says, an obvious smile in his voice.

…

Kiyoomi waits in the weird police lobby. They had traveled together, and surprisingly, Atsumu brought the envelope from his box of letters. Kiyoomi gave a quick squeeze to his hand and mouthed ‘I love you' before Atsumu went back. This he has to do on his own.

Kiyoomi sits. He really has no clue how long this will take. He does some research on his phone about Ataumu’s situation, trying to figure out if they have a case.

All the websites confirm that what happened was rape. Being mentally coerced with blackmail is not consent. But the legal part is a little trickier. There is almost no evidence of this last assault. The only evidence is the picture, the resulting attempted suicide, and their past history. Unless the picture is found, it would be Atsumu’s word against his. Kiyoomi rubs his eyes. They probably should have reached out to a lawyer.

He is googling criminal lawyers when he hears a soft voice say “Done” from up above him. He looks up to see Atsumu, who looks tired, but not upset.

“Home?”

“Yeah.” Kiyoomi takes him home.

…

They talk over dinner.

“The detective guy said it was good that I came to give my statement, that if there were ever future issues this would go a long way.”

Atsumu pauses briefly to eat, “But they said that going to trial for just this event would almost certainly not turn out in my favor.”

Kiyoomi nods, he suspected as much but it's still fucking sucks. He should have killed the bastard when he had the chance.”

“I gave over the photos.”

That causes Kiyoomi to refocus, meeting Atsumu's eyes, “What do you mean?”

“There wasn't just one copy, I had a set too. I gave it to the police so that if the pictures surface they can easily identify them as mine.”

“Is that what was in the envelope?”

“Yeah. Sorry I didn't tell you, I figured it might be hard for you to know they were around.”

“Was that the only set you had?”

Atsumu nods, “All gone.”

“It seems like you've made up your mind?”

“I think so. No point in pressing charges just to lose. And the video…I'm glad I have it, but I want to wait until I need to use it.”

“Sounds like a plan.”

Atsumu keeps eating, eyes cast downwards. Kiyoomi wonders what he is feeling. Shame? Guilt?

“You know it was rape, right?”

Atsumu nearly chokes, “What?”

“At the gym, I want to make sure you know that what happened was rape.”

Atsumu’s mouth still has food in it, he tries to talk, but decides to chew instead.

“Just because there isn't enough evidence to win a case, doesn't mean it wasn't rape. And I know you feel like you had a choice in that moment, but being coerced is still rape. You don't need to be physically forced for it to be rape.”

Atsumu swallows, his face pained, “please stop saying that word.”

“I will stop, but do you know?”

Atsumu hesitates, “I do know. But I think I'm still working on believing it, if that makes sense…Omi I think I'm all talked out.”

Kiyoomi nods, “Sorry I pushed it, we can be done with shop talk.”

Atsumu blows out a sigh of relief. “Has anyone ever told you that you're kind of intense?”

Kiyoomi smiles, “Never.” He says sarcastically.

“It's something I love about ya, but when it's directed at me, feels kinda like I'm staring down the barrel of a nasty jump serve “

Kiyoomi laughs aloud at that, tilting his head back. When he looks back over Atsumu is looking at him fondly, “Speaking of jump serves, yours have somehow gotten even better.”

Atsumu clenches his left hand unconsciously, “I'm glad I have something I can still do at full power.”

Kiyoomi lowers his voice, “Do you remember that little bit you used to do in highschool, before a serve…”

“Oh god! Don't remind me! So embarrassing, I thought I was so cool.”

Kiyoomi laughs, “Honestly, it was so cool.”

…

They are winding down for the night, both reading in bed. Kiyoomi is invested in his story when he feels a finger poke his cheek. He ignores it for a moment, trying to finish the sentence when a finger pokes him again, this time accompanied by a whine, “Ommmiii”.

He looks over to see Atsumu has closed his own book and is laying his head on the pillow. “Ready for bed?” Kiyoomi asks.

“Not quite…” Atsumu says, a sly smile on his face. Kiyoomi feels his cheeks blush just from that look.

“What's up?”

“Just…had a thought and wanted to run it by you.”

“Oh?”

“It seemed like you liked me kissing your neck…how would you feel about your chest?”

Oh.

“I'm interested…but I'm also pretty sensitive there…so…”

“That's alright Omi, I trust you, even if you get excited.” Atsumu winks as he says this and Kiyoomi's whole face feels hot.

This is how Kiyoomi finds himself, flat on his back, shirtless, with a hot man sitting on his hips. Kiyoomi thinks about how this is eerily similar to another instance.

Atsumu spends a minute just running his hands up and down Kiyoomi’s chest, fingertips warming up the sensitive skin. He feels the urge to arch his back into just this simple touch. How is he going to survive his mouth?

Atsumu runs his fingers along Kiyoomi’s ticklish sides and he does jolt, jostling the man above him a little. Atsumu smiles, and places both hands at the bottom of Kiyoomi’s pectorals, “God you're just all muscle aren't ya?”

“Says you,” Kiyoomi says, laying his own hands on the thighs resting on either side of him.

Atsumu hums, eyes focused on the skin below him, “Ready?”

Kiyoomi nods, and closes his eyes, he feels Atsumu lean over him.

He feels warm breath on his collar bone, hair brushing up against his chin. He bites his lip as Atsumu presses his mouth down. He starts with kisses. Always so many kisses.

Kiyoomi gasps as he feels a mouth work down the center of his chest to his abs. Setter’s hands clench into his waist as a tongue runs along the ridges of muscle. He squeezes Atsumu’s knees, “careful,” he warns. The lower the other man goes, the more his body is going to react.

Atsumu glances up, his low lidded eyes seriously doing something to Kiyoomi’s stomach, “Still okay?”

“Yeah.”

Atsumu leans back down and Kiyoomi feels drunk, the lips are pressing firmly on his chest. Atsumu keeps his eyes looking up, watching Kiyoomi react, as he licks over a light pink nipple. Fuck, Kiyoomi feels his hips buck, “Sorry” he gasps.

Atsumu stays in that spot, switching between licking and lightly sucking. No one has ever really paid attention to his nipples before, not that his previous experiences are numerous or extensive. He didn't know he'd like it so much. It feels like Atsumu is taking him apart with just these little touches.

“I like how you react” Atsumu whispers, breath blowing over the wet skin.

“But Atsu, I'm getting…hard”

Atsumu moves his hands to play with both little buds on his chest, causing a new gasp to escape from Kiyoomi.

“I don't mind, I know you won't make me keep going…”

Kiyoomi nods and closes his eyes, he presses his head back into the pillow as Atsumu dives back in. His breath is coming in pants now, as Atsumu sucks small hickies all over him. The slight pain, mixed with the warm lips and tongue. God. When Kiyoomi opens his eyes he is painted purple. Atsumu runs his fingers over the marks, and then glances up to Kiyoomi’s eyes, “You look good like this.”

Kiyoomi squeezes the legs he has been holding onto for dear life. He's hard. He's so hard, and Atsumu is sitting right on him, and kissing him, and licking him, and looking at him. Atsumu grabs one of his hands, untangles it from the fabric on his thigh and brings it up to his mouth. He kisses the back of the hand, and then the palm. The action lights Kiyoomi on fire in another way.

Atsumu leans back, accidentally rubbing against Kiyoomi, “I'm going to shower, that will give you a minute alone.” Atsumu climbs off, kisses his forehead and leaves the room. The door closes behind him and Kiyoomi reaches down to feel himself through cloth. He looks down a bruised chest to see himself straining in his pants.

He reaches a hand under the elastic waistband and grabs a hold of himself, he is so hard, and hot, and he apparently was leaking.

He starts to move and then stops. Wait, is he allowed to think about Atsumu like this? Like, is it okay to think about him and fantasize? Fuck, he's held off on thinking about those things this far. Is Atsumu in the shower right now, doing the same thing as him? Naked, and wet, holding himself, leaning against the wall while he thinks about Kiyoomi…

God he knows Atsumu is hot naked, they see each other’s bodies all the time. Okay, just think about things they have already done, that should be fine. He thinks about that mouth on him, licking up his neck, biting down just enough to starts to hurt. It's only a few minutes before Kiyoomi is about to come, thinking about that tongue on his chest, down his abs…”

He finishes with a gasp, biting back the groan that wants to come out. Fuck, god, no one has ever turned Kiyoomi on this this before. And he's known Atsumu was hot since highschool, but this is different. Like, the emotional connection between them makes everything…more. He cleans up, planning to take a shower next. He goes out into the living room and sees Atsumu with wet hair laying on the couch the long way, head on the armrest. “Done Omi?” He says, with a knowing smirk. Kiyoomi walks over and leans down to kiss his lips once, before saying, “Yes, I had a wonderful time.” He sees a blush spread over the upside down face, and then turns to take his own shower.

Chapter Text

Kiyoomi returns to a softly lit bedroom, a lump of Atsumu under the blankets. He's still awake on his phone. He glances up when Kiyoomi comes in, and his eyes widen. “Enjoying the view?” Kiyoomi asks smugly, he is only in a towel, chest decorated by Atsumu on display.

Kiyoomi changes and climbs onto the inner part of the bed. Atsumu rolls over to face him, reaching up to brush a curl that is drying weird. “How did you like it?” Atsumu asks, moving his hand to rest against the front of his shirt.

“Liked it a lot, obviously,” Kiyoomi says.

Astumu smiles, “Me too.”

“Atsu?”

“Hmm?” Atsumu looks up to meet his eyes.

Kiyoomi feels his heart hammering in his chest, he knows what he wants to ask, but actually putting it into sayable words is tougher, “So far it's been you trying things on me. And I like it, I really really do, and I'm happy to have you keep setting the pace, but…if you ever wanted me to try those things too…I would be very happy to.”

Atsumu’s face looks uncertain, like there is a worry nagging at him. To be honest there is a worry nagging Kiyoomi too. He's worried about why Atsumu feels inclined to ‘give’ but not receive. He's worried it's coming from a dark place. He doesn't mind at all if Atsumu needs to not be on the receiving end, but what if he is giving out of a feeling of obligation? What if this is just what he thinks he is supposed to do?

“Okay Omi,” Atsumu says quietly. Kiyoomi is not feeling at all reassured.

He brings a hand to that lovely face, “Hey, do you remember when I said that nothing is expected? I mean it. We could never kiss again and I would still want you by my side.”

Atsumu’s eyebrows push together, like the words are causing confusion. “Do you not like it when I do those things?”

“I do! I really do,” Kiyoomi reassures, “but it's not like, something that I need, I will always choose to have you as a person over specific physical intimacies. Does that make sense?”

Atsumu is quiet for a moment, “It makes sense because it's how I feel about you too. But it's hard to believe that's how someone could feel about me.”

“I'll keep telling you as often as you need.”

“I think I would like to try something soon.”

“Just let me know,” Kiyoomi says, “No expectations.”

“Okay Omi,” it is said a lot gentler this time, like he might actually kind of believe Kiyoomi.

Atsumu turns to shut off the lamp, basking them in darkness. He resettles up against Kiyoomi. They fall asleep like this most nights, tangled together, feeling the warm comfort of the other. Kiyoomi isn't sure how he would sleep in an empty bed now that this is his new normal.

He doesn't want to find out.

…

Atsumu is covering his mouth, trying not to laugh, as he watches Shoyo stare. They are in the locker room and Kiyoomi is putting on practice clothes. Bokuto hops over, grabbing onto Shoyo so they can stare together. The team knows that Kiyoomi and Atsumu are close…but maybe not that they are this close.

Shoyo’s reaction is funny, but not what is actually cracking Atsumu up. What is truly the kicker is how hard Kiyoomi is trying to pretend like he hasn't noticed that he is being stared at. Meian walks by, catching a full view of Atsumu's work and breaks the silence, “You might want to take iron supplements. I don't think people are supposed to bruise that much''. And Atsumu is dying, he has to hunch over, hands braced on his knees while he laughs.

Atsumu lets Kiyoomi twist in the wind a little before he helps out. They had decided it was probably time to clue the team in on their relationship officially. “That folks, would be my doing.” Shoyo and Bokuto turn in unison, mouths open. Atsumu cracks a blinding smile in response to Kiyoomi’s ‘unaffected’ stare. You can pretend all you want Omi, I know what it looks like when I break that apathetic facade.

…

Kiyoomi is sitting against the headboard with Atsumu between his legs, leaning back so their upper bodies are pressed together. It's a position that Atsumu really enjoys, it has intimacy and closeness, he still has a full range of movement, he's not being pressed down, and he can still do things like read or play on his phone.

He can feel all of Kiyoomi’s strong body up against his back, and their heads are awfully close to each other still. It's been a few days since their conversation about trying it the other way too. But there are so many things Atsumu is worrying about. He is pretty sure he is bisexual, but after Nori, he only messed around with women. He's not sure what Kiyoomi’s orientation is, but he seems into Atsumu so that's good. But what if Kiyoomi has…preferences? Atsumu feels all of the unknowns bubbling around in his head.

A quiet voice breaths into his ear, “Need to move?” Apparently Atsumu had been fidgeting.

“No, I like the cuddle, but I do have something personal I want to talk about.”

He feels Kiyoomi stiffen behind him, the poor guy is probably worried I'm about to say some horrible things, “Nothing like that, but it is about sex,”

Kiyoomi puts down his phone and lays his hands on his own spread legs, “Okay, what's up?”

“I'm…God this is hard…I'm worried because I haven't been with a man, other than Nori.” Atsumu takes a breath and Kiyoomi stays quiet for him to continue, “I like ya a lot Omi, like the attraction is definitely there, and I hope someday we do more than kissin’ but I'm also worried.”

Kiyoomi stays quiet, giving him the space, “I'm curious about your past experiences…and it's okay if you don't wanna tell me, but I am curious.” Atsumu finishes and lets out a sigh, leaning back against his Omi.

“Can I ask a question before I start?”

Atsumu nods.

“Have you been with no one since Nori or just not men?”

“Some women,” he says quietly.

Atsumu hears Kiyoomi hum and settle against the headboard, scooting Atsumu back with him a little.

“I have a few experiences, from late highschool and college. All men, none turned out to be good matches and the dating part ended pretty quickly. But I had sex with a few of them, it was good, usually, all very vanilla, you know?”

Atsumu nods, his hair brushing up against Kiyoomi’s face. “I'm curious about what you like…”

“Oh…” he hears Kiyoomi say under his breath, “Um, I've only tried a few things honestly, historically I'm not a huge fan of giving oral, but I feel like that could change. Um, I've topped and bottomed, both are good. Only found out recently that I like to have my nipples played with.” Atsumu chuckles in-between his legs.

Kiyoomi’s voice waivers now, “Is there anything that is a definite ‘No’ for you?”

Atsumu feels his body sag against the other’s, God where to start?

“I'm not sure, it's all kind of mixed up in my head still. Everything so far has been good, really good.” He pauses to take a breath, “I've been thinking about what you said, and if we keep clothes on I want to try something.”

“What do you have in mind?”

Atsumu leans his head back onto a shoulder, putting his own lips closer to Kiyoomi’s ear, “I'm interested in you kissing my neck, and putting your hands under my shirt.” Atsumu can nearly feel the heat radiating off the other man’s face. Atsumu has a feeling the other man is interested but he still needs to ask, “What do you think?”

“Yeah, I like that idea a lot.”

Atsumu’s head is still tilted back and he looks out of the corner of his eye to meet Kiyoomi’s gaze. Kiyoomi jolts a little and asks, “Oh did you mean now?”

A soft laugh escapes Atsumu, “Yeah, if you're in the mood too,”.

“I am!” Kiyoomi says quickly and then hesitates, “but…I can't see your face.”

Atsumu sits up and twists to properly look back, “Eh? You like looking at me Omi?”

Kiyoomi huffs out a half-laugh, “You know I do…but if I can't see you, it's going to be harder for me to make sure you're alright.”

“I can tell you to stop,” Atsumu says and settles back against his chest.

Kiyoomi is quiet for a moment and Atsumu is about to turn back around when he says “Okay Atsu, you tell me to stop anytime for any reason.”

Atsumu nods, he can do it. He can tell Omi to stop if something is too much.

“Where should I start?” Kiyoomi asks, and his tone has taken that low register, the one that sends goosebumps all over his body.

“Kiss me Omi”

Kiyoomi leans forwards, putting his mouth up against his jaw bone, “Before I start I need to hear you say ‘Stop’.”

What? Atsumu squirms, the voice in his ear is hot and sexy but the words are not… “Need to hear you say it.” Fuck, why is his voice so deep?

“St-stop,” stutters out. The lips that had been brushing his jaw leave. Atsumu feels himself blink a few times, but Omi stays pulled back.

“I said it, please keep going.” It comes out as a whine, but Atsumu doesn't really care at this moment.

“Thank you” Kiyoomi whispers and Atsumu feels smiling lips press against his neck, he tilts his head to the side and back to let Kiyoomi have better access.

The skin on his throat has always been crazy sensitive, each touch sending shocks of pleasure through his body. He hears himself moan as Kiyoomi slides talented lips along him.

Kiyoomi starts with gentle kisses but after hearing that moan switches to a wet mouthing motion, almost like he is making out with the skin there. Atsumu arches his back, wanting to get his throat closer to the pleasure. He feels Kiyoomi gasp into the kiss, but he doesn't stop, thank God.

He can feel the vibrations of Kiyoomi’s gentle moan. Atsumu’s eyes flutter shut. Fuck this feels good. He gets the urge to be touched more, wants those hands on him.

“Touch me” he gasps out as Kiyoomi starts to nose and lick right below his ear.

Kiyoomi pauses, “Do you want me to stop?”

Atsumu wants to ask if Kiyoomi is crazy, but instead he just says “No, touch me please.”

“Where?”

Atsumu feels like he could light Kiyoomi on fire. He grabs the hands that rest nearby and brings them to the hem of his shirt. “Here, Omi, please.” He is fully whining now, wanting those long fingers on him.

Kiyoomi curses under his breath and starts to slide his hands up Atsumu's stomach. He feels his abs flex under slightly cold fingers and reflexively leans his head back, Kiyoomi is still there too, and resumes his task of melting Atsumu alive.

Kiyoomi grabs onto his ribs, holds him gently in place and shifts Atsumu’s head to his other shoulder. Atsumu lets out a high pitched sound as his other side gets the same treatment. He hears Kiyoomi’s shaking breath as he pauses momentarily and keeps exploring with his hands. Long fingers rise up, and brush over his chest. Kiyoomi keeps his hands moving, a few fingers poking up through the collar of his shirt to brush against the lower part of his neck. Atsumu feels his stomach drop and tries to push the thought away. Kiyoomi won't. The hand slides back down, away from his throat to brush over his nipples.

Fuck, his brain isn't in it anymore, the touch feel wrong. He doesn't want the nice moment with Kiyoomi to end…but it has already ended for Atsumu. Kiyoomi would want him to stop. Atsumu wants him to stop. He thinks about how Kiyoomi made him say it earlier, it's just a word, an easy word, but it won't come out. It would just be easier to let him finish anyways, he knows Omi won't go past what they agreed on.

“Atsumu” the word is gentle, close to his ear.

“Do you want me to stop?”

Atsumu wants him to stop. And the way Kiyoomi phrased it…he doesn't have to say no, or stop, he gets to say, “Yes.”

The hands leave his shirt, and Kiyoomi leans back, giving Atsumu that small amount of space between them.

Kiyoomi sits behind him quietly. Atsumu feels his eyes fill with tears. Nothing even happened. Literally nothing happened.

“Atsumu, can you let me out?”

Atsumu leans forwards and he hears Kiyoomi pull back his legs to escape being up against the headboard.

Kiyoomi doesn't touch him, just sits quietly nearby.

“Sorry” Atsumu whispers, “I was trying”

“You don't need to apologize for anything. I'm actually so proud of you.”

That makes the tears actually fall. Atsumu looks down at the dark spots on the bed, and down at his scarred arm. He's so messed up. He has so much to apologize for. And here Kiyoomi is, just so patient, and gentle.

“I liked it. I did.”

Kiyoomi is silent for a moment, watching him, “What was it?”.

“I used to let him choke me.”

Kiyoomi sucks in a breath, “I'm not going to make you talk about it right now, but I'm going to want to later. Right now let's help you regulate.”

Atsumu appreciates that.

“Go out into the world or stay inside?”

Atsumu thinks for a moment, “Could do a walk…”

Kiyoomi nods, “We never figured out dinner, we could pick something up?”

Atsumu wipes his eyes and looks over, “Are you bribing me?”

Kiyoomi just smiles and shrugs.

…

The way that Atsumu had phrases it, ‘let him’ was really bothering Kiyoomi. Kiyoomi feels like that loaded phrasing gives him a good insight into how Atsumu thinks about that period of his life. Was it all things that he feels like he ‘let’ happen?

He also thinks about how Atsumu had frozen up, stopped making any noise, and didn't say a word about wanting to stop.

He needs Atsumu to be able to tell him to stop, he can't be another person who hurts him. He thinks about how they can practice consent, and how Atsumu could build that muscle.

Kiyoomi is sitting on the couch ‘reading’, stuffed full of take out, while Atsumu lays the long way, head on the armrest, legs dangling over Kiyoomi’s lap. The book is open in front of him but he hasn't turned a page in a while, trying instead to sort out his thoughts.

Atsumu glances up at him, “Going to get wrinkles with a face like that”. The words are familiar, Atsumu said that to him back on their first coffee date. He believes he replied with a scoff back then, this time he responds with “Do you want to check in about earlier?”

Atsumu makes a face, scrunching up his nose, and then relaxes back into the couch, “Guess we should.”

They are both quiet for a moment, each of them unsure of how to begin.

Kiyoomi breaks the ice first, “You said you let him choke you?” Atsumu grimaces, hearing his own words said again, “Yeah…”

Kiyoomi adjusts the legs on his lap, and reaches a hand to hold Atsumu’s, “What does that mean?”

Atsumu gives him a funny look, “I'm pretty sure you know what choking is…”

Kiyoomi squeezes his hand and says, “I mean, what does it mean to ‘let him’?”

“Oh. I guess like, I never told him to stop.”

Kiyoomi nods, “Did he ask you before he did it?”

Atsumu’s eyes dart up and then back down, as he shakes his head.

“I'm always going to ask before I do something. People should always ask.”

Atsumu takes a big breath in through the nose and releases it, still looking down.

“And…I really need to be able to trust you to say when you don't want something.”

Atsumu bites his lip, a cross look on his face.

“And I'm not saying that to be mean, I know you are trying your best. I just…I can't hurt you. I can't.”

Atsumu squeezes his hand, still looking down.

“I want to practice.”

That causes Atsumu to look up. “Practice?”

“Practice you saying stop, or no, or a safe word or something.”

Atsumu is looking at him now, mouth slightly open. Kiyoomi watches his mouth close to swallow. “That…could be good,” He finally says.

“I have another idea.”

Atsumu raises an eyebrow.

Kiyoomi taps three times on the legs on his lap, “That can mean stop too.”

Atsumu's eyes are very wide now. He squeezes the hand in his three times, Kiyoomi says “Stop” aloud. Atsumu nods, “I like that I lot. I think I can do that.”

Kiyoomi smiles, “I love you.”

Atsumu blushes, “I love you too Omi. So much.”

Chapter Text

Practicing is really fun. Having it be under the frame of ‘practicing’ and knowing that it's going to stop, is kind of freeing. It makes Atsumu feel brave, like he wants to try so many things. But Kiyoomi keeps them on a steady path.

And like usual, Kiyoomi leads by example. Kiyoomi uses their new tap all throughout the day, during a massage to say he is done, during a hug, or even when Atsumu goes a little too far with teasing. It really normalizes it, and makes it feel like Atsumu isn't alone in needing this.

Right now though, Atsumu is sitting on his pelvis, paying a ridiculous amount of attention to a pert little nipple. Kiyoomi groans and pushes his head into the pillow. Atsumu can tell when he is really affecting Kiyoomi, his abs start to twitch, like he is holding back. “Atsumu, this is supposed to -Ah- be practice.”

“It is,” Atsumu says, looking up at Kiyoomi’s flushed face. Kiyoomi's hands are resting on his thighs, clenching whenever Atsumu does something that feels particularly good.
Atsumu raises his head to give the chest a break and leans forwards, overtop of Kiyoomi, “How would you feel about me going a little harder? Maybe some light biting?”

“Atsumu…” it almost comes out as a whine.

“You can say no,” Atsumu says with a gentle smile.

Kiyoomi clenches his eyes shut and takes a breath, “Yeah, I want you to try.”

Atsumu feels his smile grow. He leans back down, glancing up to see if Kiyoomi is watching. He is. Atsumu licks over the hard nipple, and then takes it into his mouth and sucks on it lightly. He uses his tongue on it while he sucks. Kiyoomi gasps and grabs onto his legs tightly. Atsumu keeps the bud in his mouth and presses his teeth down ever so slightly, more like pressure than a bite. Kiyoomi rocks up under him at the sensation and a hand quickly taps his thigh.

Atsumu releases him, and sits up, watching Kiyoomi’s panting face for any genuine discomfort. “Fuck Atsumu” Kiyoomi is still catching his breath, abs clenching.

“So?”

“Was good, so good. You?”

“Ditto” Atsumu can't help the huge smile on his face.

“Are you avoiding practicing or just enjoying making me fall apart?”

“The latter,” Atsumu says. He can feel Kiyoomi under him. It's really tempting to grind down on him, but they haven't talked about that, so he keeps still.

“Do you feel up for doing one?”

Atsumu nods and climbs off of Kiyoomi’s, paying mind to how hard he feels under him. Atsumu sits back on his heels and helps Kiyoomi sit up too. “What do you want to do?” Kiyoomi asks, face and chest blushed pink.

“Mmm, can we sit like this and you kiss my neck?”

“Sure,” Kiyoomi says, eyes dark with something like desire.

“That's not very enthusiastic, Omi”

Kiyoomi laughs, “Oh shit you're right, yes I would love to. But you gotta use the tap this time.”

“I will.” Atsumu says, his stomach flipping with anticipation. He loves having Omi on his neck. Kiyoomi starts to lean forwards, a hand coming to slide into Atsumu’s undercut. Kiyoomi has been careful to keep his hands off of his neck, but Atsumu loves the feeling of a relaxed hand in his hair.

He lets out a gasp at the first touch. They are both cross legged, leaning into each other. Atsumu slides one hand into Kiyoomi’s hair and braces the other along the flat of his back. He thinks he will never get tired of this, of having this closeness. Kiyoomi uses the hand on his head to angle him further and mouths at the skin by his ear. He feels himself involuntarily grasp onto hair and shirt and Kiyoomi…groans. Oh. Does he like having his hair tugged a little? We will have to explore that more another time.

He loses himself in the feeling of Kiyoomi for a few minutes before he remembers the actual purpose of this. He internally pouts and taps Kiyoomi’s who immediately pulls away. Kiyoomi's mouth glistens a little with spit and Astumu…loves it.

“Good job” Kiyoomi says, and even though it's simple, and it's not something other people need to be praised about, it feels good to hear it.

Atsumu plops himself horizontally on the bed. It's sometimes hard to believe that this is really his life. He loves it. He is so glad he is here for it.

…

Even though he has been working with a physical therapist for some time now, he is still not back to 100%. They have an important game coming up, one that will determine if they qualify for a future tournament. And even Atsumu can admit it makes sense to keep him on the bench. He hasn't been on the bench in ages.

He has elected to switch to a long sleeve jersey, even though it's less efficient. He's not going to play anyway, so he might as well keep his privacy a bit longer. He watches from the box, cheering on his teammates at full volume. Although it sucks not to play, there is something to be gained from slowing down and watching.

He observes the plays, watching for any small weaknesses that they can continue to work on. He is drawn to watching Kiyoomi, getting to see him in his element is incredible. Usually Atsumu is swamped with all of his own thoughts during the game, keeping the ball up, setting just right, watching the block, keeping the front guarded…now he can just watch. Kiyoomi really is an amazing player.

Shoyo has also seriously stepped up his game the past few months since joining. He is already a starter for being such a well rounded player. Atsumu knew he was good in highschool but he is a regular jack of all trades now, he can even set when pushed into that corner.

Atsumu loves what he does. He loves being a volleyball player. He loves his team. He knows it won't last forever, everyone retires from the sport eventually, but he is going to savor it as long as he can. Maybe someday he will be a coach.

He is so engrossed in his thoughts and watching that the final whistle surprises him, he looks to the scoreboard to see that they lost the first set. Means that there will be three sets total if they win. He leaves the box to join his team around their coach. Atsumu tunes out the ‘We will take the second set’ speech and looks around the circle. No one looks too tired yet, they do look disappointed though. Kiyoomi has his ‘couldn't care less’ look, Bokuto looks murderous, Shoyo is frowning but determined. They will be okay.

When Coach finishes his pep talk, Atsumu joins Kiyoomi, placing a hand on his shoulder to lean up on tiptoes to speak in his ear, “Just not the same without me, is it?”

Kiyoomi rolls his eyes but smiles, “Yes. You spoiled me.”

Atsumu pecks him on the cheek, “Win this next one, yea?”

Kiyoomi nods, a serious look in his eye.

The whistle blows and the teams are called back to the court. Atsumu hadnt meant to kiss him, they hadn't talked about public stuff yet…it just kind of happened. It's possible no one noticed anyway. Atsumu returns to his box. Kiyoomi looks back at him and winks, before settling into his position to receive the serve.

They take the second and third set, thank god. Atsumu was going to flip it if they lost and he didn't even get to play.

The men all go out drinking, even Kiyoomi. Atsumu drinks, partially out of relief and partially out of regret. He hates being injured. He hates that he injured himself and now has to endure the consequences.

The press had talked to him after the game, the one that he hadn't even played in, asking if he was injured. He tried to keep it brief, not in the mood to play up his public persona.

He's glad to be here now, with his people. He feels Kiyoomi keeping an eye on him from across the table. Atsumu is drinking more than usual. He knows. He does anyway.

The night rushes by and before long he is being held up by Kiyoomi as they wait for the bus. He feels steady on his feet, until he moves his head and then the world starts to spin. Kiyoomi is quiet this evening, that's okay, Atsumu doesn't know how well he'd be able to hold a conversation anyway. He sways and stumbles onto the bus and lets Kiyoomi find him a seat. The dark haired man keeps a hand on his back, and wearily watches him. Atsumu remembers stairs, and then a bed. Kiyoomi doesn't make him shower. Kiyoomi helps him change, and tucks him in. Atsumu feels a kiss on his forehead and then the room is dark.

…

There is a loud thump and his head hurts like hell. He opens his eyes but the everything is dark. Fuck his nose really hurts too. Atsumu is laying on something hard. He tries to push himself up but he feels really dizzy. He lays back down and brings a hand up to his nose and it's wet. His head really hurts. He reaches up to run a hand through his hair and it's wet too. What the fuck? He tries again to get up and groans as a wave of pain hits him.

There are hands on his shoulders. Atsumu doesn't even think, he just kicks. The other person yelps and hits the ground hard. Atsumu kicks again, but he's still pretty drunk and misses. Atsumu’s head throbs, he tries to sit up again and gets on his knees and forearms. A lamp turns on and Atsumu has to close his eyes.

“Atsumu! You're bleeding!”

The voice is so loud. The room is so bright. The head hurts so much.

Atsumu feels a hand on his back, and then it withdrawals quickly. “Atsumu, say something”

“Ow.”

“You're…you're bleeding, I think you fell off the bed.”

Makes sense. Atsumu always sleeps weird when drunk. Wait. Did he kick Kiyoomi?

Atsumu cracks an eye open and looks to the side, Kiyoomi is on his knees next to the lamp on the nightstand. He looks freaked. Atsumu tastes blood, he rubs a hand across his lips and sees bright red blood on his hand. His stomach drops and he looks back up at Kiyoomi.

“Come on, let's get you into the bathroom”

Atsumu takes the hand offered to him and holds his bloody hand over his nose as he is helped up. He gets into the bathroom and catches sight of himself. His hair is matted with blood as well as everything under his nose. Kiyoomi sits him down on the edge of the tub and leaves the bathroom.

Atsumu removes his hand from his face and looks at his hand, covered in blood. He hears Kiyoomi coming back and is seized by panic, “Don't come in!”

The steps halt, “Atsumu?” the voice is worried.

“Just. It's okay, I can take care of it.”

There is a shadow outside of the door, “You're hurt.”

“Not hurt bad, I'm pretty sure it's just a bloody nose. I got it.”

“Ah, o-okay”

He can't let Kiyoomi see him like this, not again. The man already does so fucking much for him, has already endured so much fucking trauma. He grabs tissues and presses them up against his nose. He presses his free hand to his head, there is a tender spot, and a cut. Maybe he hit his head on the nightstand corner. He takes more tissues, and uses his remaining hand to hold them to his head. God, why is he such a mess? The bleeding does stop and he cleans up. He uses the bleach under the sink to remove any droplets of blood. He showers to get the bar and blood off of him. He's still a little out of it, but not nearly as drunk as before. He exits the bathroom and finds Kiyoomi in the bedroom. His heart hurts when he sees Kiyoomi crouched over scrubbing the floor. The bed is stripped and a variety of cleaning products are scattered around him.

Kiyoomi notices him and stands up, “Hey.”

“Hey. Sorry for kicking you, are you hurt?”

Kiyoomi shakes his head, “No it just surprised me. I'm finishing cleaning up out here. You had a nasty fall.”

Atsumu looks at a collection of bloody paper towels in a partially open plastic bag. He has that feeling. The feeling where he wants to run. This isn't right. What he's doing to Kiyoomi isn't right.

Atsumu grabs some clothes and dresses. “I'm gonna sleep on the couch…less of a fall risk.”

“Oh, okay”

Atsumu leaves the room. He makes it to the living room, and glances at the front door. He stops in the kitchen and writes a note, ‘I'm sorry, taking a walk. I have my phone.’ he grabs his jacket and leaves.

…

It's been a weird, hectic night. Atsumu seemed okay at the game, but afterwards he drank so much. As soon as the third drink went down Kiyoomi knew Atsumu wasn't okay, despite the smile on his face.

He thankfully got the man home okay and got him to sleep. The loud thumps and clanks woke him up, his heart beating fast. It's dark and he feels Atsumu's spot on the bed but it's empty. He can hear a groan from the floor. Kiyoomi isn't sure where Atsumu is on the floor and he really doesn't want to step on him. He leaves from the foot of the bed and finally finds Atsumu laying on the ground. He tries to help the man up when he is firmly kicked by those powerful thighs.

He hits the ground and for a moment is stunned. He hears another groan and manages to get to the lamp. The room becomes bright, Kiyoomi is able to squint out of one eye and he sees red.

His brain, frankly, freaks out. He gets Atsumu into the bathroom and steps out for towels. As soon as he is out of the bathroom (not a great room for them historically) Kiyoomi feels his body try to hyperventilate. He consciously slows down his breathing and grabs towels from the closet.

Before he can re-enter the dreaded room Atsumu stops him. Part of Kiyoomi is glad, he doesn't want to see Atsumu bloody again, his head is already swarming with memories, but another part of him is really fucking worried. His head had been bloody.

They speak outside the door for a moment and Kiyoomi leaves him be. He is talking okay so the head injury is likely minor.

Kiyoomi can feel his OCD tunnel closing. There is blood. Blood in his apartment. Atsumu’s blood. As he cleans the bedroom he fights to tell himself that it's okay, it's not that time, Atsumu is okay. He can't stop seeing it. He can't stop seeing Atsumu with his eyes closed against white tiles.

Oh. He is triggered. I mean, seeing your best friend almost die is certainly traumatic but…Kiyoomi hadn't expected his brain to react like this. To get so focused on the memory.

Atsumu steps into the room and Kiyoomi stands. Atsumu is going to sleep on the couch. Kiyoomi isn't sure whether he loves or hates the idea. His brain is so mixed up and scared. Even though he literally just saw Atsumu as soon as he leaves the room his body freaks out. He's okay. Shut up. He's not in danger.

He washes his hands, grabs some pillows and blankets and takes them to the living room. That's when he officially lets himself freak out.

…

Atsumu’s head throbs a little. He's not sure if it's a hangover or the cut on his head or both. The night air is brisk and feels good in his lungs. It is nearing morning, he calls Samu, and is surprised when he picks up.

“Dude it's like 3am” is Samu’s version of hello.

“Were you awake?”

“Yeah a delivery truck had to come in early today, so here I am…of course the truck is now late.”

“Oh, lucky me though that you're up”

“What is it?”

“I kinda got wasted, and then fell out of bed and got all banged up, and I got blood all over Omi's floor, and I kinda freaked and took a walk.”

“You're walking right now?”

“Yup”

“What freaked you out?”

“Omi trying to take care of me, he looked so panicked by the blood.”

“That makes sense, one sec, I'm going to text Omi that I'm on the phone with you before you give him a legit heart attack”

“I left a note”

Atsumu can nearly hear Samu roll his eyes.

“Okay, so you're taking a walk, what is the plan after a walk?”

“Hadn't thought that far ahead.”

“Are you still drunk?”

“...Hardly.”

“You're the worst,” Samu’s sigh carries over the phone, “You gotta go back.”

“I know. Just a few more minutes.”

“Okay Tsumu…other than you messing up tonight how have things been with Omi?”

Atsumu groans, “Ugh, it's been so fucking good. So of course I go and screw it up.”

“Start walking back and talk to me. Tell me what about it has been good.”

Atsumu tells him. Other than the really dark stuff, Atsumu feels like he can tell his brother anything. Samu mostly just listens, asking a question here and there. Before long Atsumu is looking up at their apartment building.

“I'm back.” He says to Samu.

“Go in and have Omi text me that you made it.”

“You guys aren't my like, keepers,”

Samu just hums.

“Bye Samu”

“See you soon Tsumu”

They hang up and Atsumu looks up at the outer facade of the building.

I can run, but I also gotta come back. I promised Omi I would.

…

Kiyoomi can't sit still. He is so thankful Osamu texted him because he was truly about to lose his mind. Kiyoomi is on the couch and his legs are bouncing, and his hands are tapping against his knees. He's crying, just a little, it's been a very stressful night.

…

Atsumu unlocks and opens the front door, and sees Kiyoomi on the couch. Kiyoomi turns towards the door, wiping his eyes. Now I've made him fucking cry. How do I keep piling more mistakes on, everything I do just keep making things worse.

He closes the door and leans against it, “I'm sorry.”

Kiyoomi is looking at him, a very vulnerable look on his face. He doesn't say anything though.

“Samu told me to tell you to text him when I got back.”

Kiyoomi nods and looks down at his phone for a moment and then back up.

“I don't mean to keep scaring you. But I do.”

He sees Kiyoomi swallow, then he says, “Yes, I was scared. Thank you for coming back.”

“I told you I would.” Atsumu says quietly.

“How is your head?”

“Hurts a little but that could be hangover.”

Kiyoomi gestures to the couch and Atsumu starts to take off his shoes. He joins Omi on the couch, giving him a decent amount of personal space.

“Why did you drink so much?”

Atsumu breathes in deeply through his nose, “I think I was feeling pretty mad at myself, that I couldn't play, that I need so much help, that I…I don't know, just feeling like I don't like me.”

“Did drinking make those feelings go away?”

Atsumu sighs and curls up into himself on the couch, “No.”

“I'm sorry you're feeling that you don't like yourself. That is a hard feeling to hold.”

Atsumu nods, “I don't like feeling like a burden on you. It feels like I'm taking way more than I give.”

“What do you mean?”

Atsumu brings an arm up to cover his eyes while he talks, “Like, you are always helping me, with everything, and you're so supportive and kind, and I don't help you with anything. Other than making you feel good I don't actually do anything for you.”

Kiyoomi sucks in a breath. Atsumu moves his arm and looks over, Kiyoomi has his face in his hands. The man is shaking slightly.

“Omi…”

Kiyoomi takes a shuddering breath and says, “I need some time to think and process.”

“Ok…”

“I'd like to be alone, would you like the bedroom or out here?”

“Kiyoomi I can go back to my-”

“Stay. But please pick a place to be.”

“I'll stay out here…”

“Okay,” another deep breath, “I love you. I just need some time to think.”

“Okay.”

“I'll see you in the morning, Atsumu.”

“Mmm” Atsumu agrees

Kiyoomi stands, fingers rubbing together on either side and turns for the bedroom.

God. Did I just fuck everything up?

Chapter Text

Atsumu hears the sound of something sizzling. He tries to open his eyes but the room is very bright, he rolls over and bumps against the wall…no the back of the couch. Ah. Yes. The terrible night.

He sits up and stretches his arms. His head hurts but not terribly. His back feels all weird from sleeping on the couch. He looks to the side table for his phone and finds a glass of water and some aspirin. Oh Omi. He takes the medicine and finishes off the water. He checks the time. Wow, he hardly ever sleeps in like this.

The kitchen and living room are connected, he can see the edge of the counters and the fridge. It sounds like Kiyoomi is in there cooking.

Atsumu feels the nerves in his belly. He has no clue what to expect from today. He is half convinced he is about to get broken up with…for the first time ever. Kiyoomi seemed so upset last night. Atsumu knows he said something that bothered him, but he isn’t sure exactly what. He wouldn’t blame Kiyoomi for wanting to stop…them. Atsumu knows he is a lot, evidence, last night. He sits on the couch and texts Samu.

“Mornin’. Thanks for talking some sense into me last night.”

The little typing dots appear, “No problem. You just wake up?”

“Yup. Not excited for whatever is about to happen today.”

The dots appear, disappear, and then appear again, “I hear ya, say the word and I’ll drive down.”

“I’m worried he is going to end things. Not that I’d blame him.”

“It was that bad?”

“We haven’t talked about it yet, he said he needed to think.”

“What do you want, Tsumu?”

Atsumu thinks, fingers hovering over the keyboard, “I want to be an easier person to love.”

He stares at the thread, no dots appear.

A voice comes from behind him, “Hey.”

Atsumu turns and sees Kiyoomi leaning in the entryway. He has a soft look on his face. He doesn’t seem mad or grumpy.

“Come eat, you must be starving.”

Atsumu nods but stays put on the couch. He can’t do it. He can’t wait until he’s been fed to find out. “Do you want to break up?”

Kiyoomi is quiet for a moment, “Do you?”

Atsumu is irked that he is avoiding the question. He just wants an answer. He doesn’t want to be in this inbetween space anymore.

“Kiyoomi” he says and levels his gaze at the other man. He’s no longer leaning, now standing stiffly, fidgeting with his hands.

Kiyoomi doesn’t say anything and Atsumu wants to scream. He presses his fingers into his eyes, “You’re driving me crazy. Please just tell me if it’s over.”

Kiyoomi walks forwards, up to the couch, “I don’t want it to be over. But I understand completely if you do.”

Why the fuck would Atsumu want that? He finds himself saying as much, “Why the fuck would I want that?”

Kiyoomi looks really confused and a little startled, he glances back to the kitchen, “Please come eat, we can talk at the same time.”

Atsumu follows him, he knows he is being cranky, and off putting, but he just feels so stressed out. Kiyoomi says he didn’t want it to be over, why doesn’t he feel relieved? Maybe I because he’s said the exact same thing and then ghosted people the next day…

Kiyoomi made eggs, toast and coffee. They sit at the table together. Atsumu is in fact starving and starts to eat, Kiyoomi waits a moment, rubbing his fingers together. “Why did you think I wanted to break up?”

Atsumu eats a little slower. Um, like so many reasons. Atsumu decides to throw it back at him, “Why did you think I wanted to?”.

“Because I took advantage of you.”

Atsumu actually chokes, and hits himself on the chest to help clear it up.

“Omi, what?”

“I shouldn’t have let you…I had a feeling you….”

“Omi what the hell are you actually talking about?”

Kiyoomi takes a deep breath, “Last night you said something that…confirmed a worry I had.”

Atsumu tries to remember, he remembers talking about Kiyoomi being so good.

“Atsu…did you want to do those things with me?”

Atsumu feels his brain hit a wall. Kiyoomi thinks that…he thinks… “Of course I did!”

Kiyoomi speaks quieter now, “why did you want to do those things?”

Atsumu feels his mouth hang open, his brain can’t find the words, he knows he wanted to, he felt like he wanted to…but ‘why?’.

Kiyoomi looks up at the ceiling, like he is trying to let gravity keep the tears from escaping.

“Atsumu you were groomed.”

“I…what are you talking about?” The food in front of him is getting cold. He doesn’t care. He is so confused.

Kiyoomi tilts his head back down, his eyes are closed, his hands are clenched on the table. “When adults hurt children like that, they put a lot of effort into…making the child’s brain ‘accept’ it. It’s a kind of manipulation.” Eyes still closed he takes a shaky breath, “I think that your brain…thinks that…it’s something you need to do, to stay safe. I started to put this together the time you got on my lap on the couch.”

Atsumu feels weird. He doesn’t like what Kiyoomi is saying.

“Your brain tells you that you want it, because it helped you survive a year of being…”

No. That’s not it. No. He feels his hands start to shake. No. Kiyoomi is wrong. He wanted to. He had wanted to. Why had he wanted to? He had wanted to make a Kiyoomi feel good, he had wanted to…be good. He needed Kiyoomi to find him good enough.

He feels that his face is wet, he is crying, “What the fuck,” he whispers and Kiyoomi opens his eyes, “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”

Atsumu shakes his head, “No. You’re wrong.”

Kiyoomi brings a hand up to cover his mouth, and just keeps looking at Atsumu.

“You’re wrong.”

He shouts now, “You’re wrong!”

Kiyoomi jolts a little but still doesn’t say anything. Atsumu stands up. There is too much energy in his body. He needs to do something. The feelings have to go somewhere. “Why would you say that? Why would you lie?”.

He is pacing now, hands clenching and unclenching.

“Atsu, I’m sorry, please, let’s help you calm down.” Kiyoomi is standing now too, his eyes are wide, he looks afraid.

“I can’t be here.”

Kiyoomi looks panicked. “Where?”

Atsumu is grabbing at his neck, pushing and pulling on the skin there. He is breathing too fast. “Shoyo-kun” he says.

Kiyoomi pulls out his phone and calls. He speaks quickly and quietly into the phone while Atsumu paces, pulling at his hair and throat.

…

Kiyoomi somehow convinces Atsumu to use a volleyball in the living room. He is laying down and setting above his head.
Atsumu hasn't said anything else to him after he accused him of lying and then requested Hinata.

This wasn't a great way to do this. It's obvious now that Atsumu wasn't ready to hear that. It's very possible that once Atsumu fully processes this he will change his mind about staying together. And Kiyoomi would understand. He knew the history, and he wasn't as careful as he should have been.

Kiyoomi gets a text from Hinata and buzzes him into the building. There is a gentle knock on the door and there he is. Kiyoomi lets him in and starts to try and explain, “We had a hard night, and then an even harder morning. He is pretty upset about something I said. He said he wanted to leave but if you all want to just stay here I'm planning to go out for a bit. I won't come back until I've been given the all-clear.”

Hinata glances around him towards the sounds of a volleyball, “Okay Sakusa.”

“I…thank you Hinata, I'm going now.”

Kiyoomi puts his shoes on and steps out of his own apartment. He has his practice bag slung over his shoulder. He walks down the stairwell and calls Osamu,

“Is he okay?”

“Yes, all good, sorry to surprise you. He is with Hinata. I think he needs some space from me.”

“Gotcha…”

“Just wanted to let you know he wasn't with me. I'm not sure for how long.”

“Are you…are you breaking up?”

Kiyoomi’s stomach twists, “That's up to him, honestly.”

“Thanks for watching out for him Omi.” Ah. He hadn't realized that Osamu had started calling him that too…in the current situation it doesn't feel great.

“Of course.” They hang up and Kiyoomi heads to the gym. He plans to work out until he can't think.

Chapter Text

Hinata and Atsumu pass the ball back and forth. Hinata has to admit, it's pretty soothing, he may have to use this with Tobio sometime.

Atsumu hasn't spoken yet, other than to say hello. His face is pink and his eyes look puffy. They continue to pass the ball, falling into a rhythm. “Do you want to hear the agreements?”.

Hinata’s head falls into a tilt, “Sure?”

“You pass the ball while you talk, and if you need a break you lay down and set over your head, and if you need to be all the way done you just toss the ball away.”

Woah, “That's actually so cool!” He is definitely going to use this with Tobio.

“Thanks for coming over,” Atsumu says quietly.

“Anytime, you'd do the same for me.”

Atsumu nods, “I would.” He passes the ball back and says, “I'm not doing so hot.”

“What's up?” It's hard to see Atsumu look so fragile. He is such a force of nature. Shoyo hates whatever is dragging him down like this.

“I got really drunk last night and scared Kiyoomi when I fell out of bed and hit my head. I bled pretty badly but am okay.”

“Yikes,” Shoyo says.

“Yeah, I think seeing me bloody really upset Kiyoomi.”

Hinata nods, he's not unfamiliar with hurting his loved ones.

“Afterwards I felt really guilty, and took a walk to clear my head and talk to Osamu.”

He pushes the ball across, “and then when I got back we talked, and I said that I don't feel like I do anything for Kiyoomi and the only thing I do is…Oh. I said the only thing I do for him is make him feel…good.”

Shoyo winces at that. Yeah, that’ll do it.

“I think Kiyoomi was right.”

“About what?” Shoyo asks.

“This morning he said that I had been groomed by my coach.”

“Oh.”

“I think my brain is still confused about sex. Kiyoomi was trying to tell me, trying to apologize and I yelled at him.”

“He really didn't seem upset with you, just worried,” Shoyo reassures.

“Of course.” Atsumu sighs, “He's too good.”

Atsumu takes a deep breath. “He didn't hurt me, but I think Kiyoomi thinks he did.”

“Can I ask how you and Tobio figured it out? Do you guys…be intimate?”

Shoyo laughs and pushes the ball back, “Yeah, that…it's a bit unconventional but we found something that works for us. It took time, and a lot of talking and checking in. But also…neither of us were groomed, so we mostly just have to avoid specific triggers.”

Atsumu bites the inside of his cheek and nods. “I'm worried that…it's something I'll never be able to handle.”

“How do you think Kiyoomi would respond to hearing you say that?”

Atsumu gives him a fake glare, and then relaxes, “He'd say ‘Nothing is expected’.”

“Do you believe him?”

Atsumu nods slowly. “If anything, how he reacted today makes me believe it even more.” Atsumu holds onto the ball and lowers his head, “I really yelled at him.”

“He asked me to let him know when he can come back.”

Atsumu looks up, “He really didn't seem mad?”

“Not at all.” Shoyo reassures. “He looked…sad.”

Atsumu looks out the window. “What are the odds he's at the gym?”

Shoyo chuckles, “Almost 100%”.

…

Atsumu pokes his head into the exercise room and hears steady footfalls. Kiyoomi is on the treadmill and boy is he running. He's drenched in sweat and has the speed cranked up pretty high. His steps are solid, hitting the belt with a loud thunk.

Atsumu doesn't want to surprise him and send him flying so he just watches for a minute. Kiyoomi starts breathing heavier, and he turns the pace down, he continues to jog and then lowers it again to a walk. He rubs his face and stops the machine. He leans against the side bars, and pants. Each breath kind of sounds like it hurts, rasping at the end. He turns to get off the mill and yelps, “Shit!” His hair is sweaty and pushed back exposing his forehead. He has caught sight of Atsumu in the doorway. He still takes gulps of air and just stands there, chest heaving.

“Atsu.”

“Omi”

Kiyoomi lays a hand on his chest, trying to catch his breath. “Whatcha, doing?”

“Came to get you.”

“Oh.” Another deep breath, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah. Thank you for giving me some space to do my own processing.”

Kiyoomi nods. It kind of looks like his legs are shaking.

“Need to cool down?” Kiyoomi nods again and gets his legs to move towards the stretching area.

Atsumu follows him and sits on a nearby weight lifting bench. Kiyoomi starts stretching, coincidentally picking a stretch that will keep his face hidden from view.

“Can I talk while you stretch out?”

“Yeah.” Comes the strained response.

“You were right. I'm sorry I yelled at you. And called you a liar. It was something I had never thought about before, I thought…I didn't realize that my own brain could trick me like that. I swear I really did like everything we did. You didn't hurt me. You've never hurt me.”

He sees Kiyoomi’s hands wrapped around his ankles shake slightly.

“I think you were right that my reasons for wanting to do those things weren't exactly…right.”

He watches Kiyoomi glances up out of the corner of his eye before looking away again.

“ When I think about Nori I kinda know what you were talking about. There was always such an emphasis that sex could solve everything. That it was something that made me…special and good. Like, anytime he was upset or down, we would…do stuff and he'd be better after. It was what I gave in the relationship. He told me I was good at it.”

Atsumu turns to look away, finding a window to look out of, “I didn't realize I was bringing those things he had taught me into our relationship. I'm sorry.”

Kiyoomi is breathing normally again, and has stopped stretching to sit, “Atsu, you don't have to apologize.”

“You thought you…hurt me, or took advantage of me?”

Kiyoomi looks down “After what you had said, yeah. I thought that you were doing things you didn't actually want to do.”

Atsumu feels his stomach twist sharply, “I promise that I wanted it all in the moment and afterwards I didn't regret it.”

Kiyoomi wipes his eyes. God. This man agonized over whether kissing was fully consensual. Atsumu looks up at the ceiling. All those times. All those times he did things and had that feeling in his stomach. That feeling that he didn't really want to, but his brain told him he did. His brain told him to be good. To be sexy. To give. Until today, he had always harbored the shame that he had wanted those things done to him. That he had enjoyed parts. But…had it just been that his brain was tricked? Groomed? Trying to survive?

All of a sudden he feels overwhelmed. Years of guilt and shame. Shame that he wanted his coach to do those things to him. Astumu feels the sob rip out of his throat. He hadn't. He hadn't wanted those things.

Atsumu leans forward and braces his arms on the bench and lays his head on his arms and cries. I hadn't wanted it. I hadn't wanted it. Kiyoomi doesn't touch him, just sits quietly with him as he cries.

“Omi” he says in between gasping cries.

“I'm here.”

“It was rape. All of it.”

Kiyoomi is quiet, save for the occasional sniffle.

“I was a kid.”

He hears Kiyoomi muffle a quiet cry.

Atsumu takes a shuddering breath, trying to get his body to breathe. Who would he have been? Without this part of him? Without a brain that was tricked…he will never know.

“Omi?”

“Yeah?” Kiyoomi’s voice cracks.

“Am I always going to be messed up?”

Kiyoomi hesitates, “PTSD is actually one of the mental illnesses that can get a lot easier to manage. That being said, there is no expectation that you change. I…I just love you, every version of you.”

Atsumu can't help the scoff that comes out.

“I bet you don't think of me as messed up.”

Atsumu looks up at Kiyoomi, meeting his own watery eyes. “I'm always going to have OCD and anxiety.”

Atsumu looks back down. No. He doesn't think Kiyoomi is messed up.

“No. Of course you're not messed up.”

“I'm afraid that one day I could be like my mom. That it would all just get on top of me and I wouldn't be able to find a way out.”

“I'd still love you” he chokes out.

Kiyoomi’s face is wet, his nose is running, and he is sweaty as hell. The poor guy.

“Let's get you showered so we can go home.” Atsumu says.

At that, Kiyoomi gives a small smile.

…

They get home. Atsumu had called it home, even despite the difficult day and conflict between them.

Kiyoomi feels like he overdid it at the gym but it's okay. He needed something to keep him sane. Kiyoomi makes them a simple supper and feeds Atsumu, who probably only ate that little bit of eggs this morning.

Atsumu still wants him, wants to be a part of his life. He is so thankful.

He remembers to text Hinata and thank him. He's sure that the man had a lot to do with helping Atsumu process his feelings.

He knows they aren't done talking but they can be done for today. Atsumu looks so tired as he eat, like his soul is drained.

Kiyoomi lays a hand over Atsumu’s, he looks up but doesn't say anything right away.

Kiyoomi gives his hand a squeeze and keeps eating with his other hand.

“Why do you like me?”

The question really surprises Kiyoomi, but when he thinks back to the themes of today, it's not totally random.

“There are a lot of reasons. I've always admired your dedication and strength in volleyball, that feeling has grown as you've grown. I find myself at ease around you, like the walls I usually keep up just naturally fall. You are genuinely funny, I always seem to be laughing with you. You are kind and caring, and see the best in everyone you meet. I love how you can talk to anyone. Should I go on?”

Atsumu is blushing, “No, that's okay.”

I need to tell him more. I need to tell him what I love about him. Back in highschool Kiyoomi never would have pegged Atsumu as someone who needed that kind of gentle reassurance. The persona he puts out into the world is so different than this quiet version of him. Kiyoomi supposes the same is true of him. He feels like he is his true self around Atsumu.

“How is your head?”

Atsumu rubs a hand over the spot that had gotten cut. “Oh it's fine, a tiny bit sore.”

“You were trying to protect me, not push me away, when you told me not to come in to help you.”

“Yeah. I didn't think you should have to see that…again.”

Kiyoomi doesn't love the idea of Atsumu making decisions for him of what he can handle, but today is not the day to drop that bomb. They will keep working on their communication and get there.

“I love you.”

Atsumu looks up wearily, like he's trying to gauge if it's the truth or not, “I love you too Omi.”

Chapter Text

Life goes and kicks Atsumu while he’s already down.

Kiyoomi is washing dishes while Atsumu rests in the bedroom. Hands submerged in water he hears his phone ring. It's somewhere in the apartment. He ignores it and keeps washing, if it's important they will leave a message.

It rings again. He sighs, dries his hands and starts to look for it. It's on the coffee table in the living room. It has stopped ringing by now, he has 24 messages and two calls from Osamu.

Osamu calls again and he picks up.

“Take his phone” is all Osamu says, his tone is frantic.

“What?”

“Omi go take Tsumu’s phone. Don't let him have it back. I'm driving down to you.”

Kiyoomi feels his stomach free fall.

“Omi go.”

“O-okay”

He hangs up and walks into the bedroom. Atsumu is reading and smiles when he sees Kiyoomi.

A glance at the bed shows that his phone is resting beside him. Kiyoomi walks up, sits on the bed, and asks, “Do you want a kiss?”

His face blushes a soft pink, “Yeah.”

Kiyoomi leans in to kiss him, a gentle loving kiss, and he puts Atsumu's phone in his pocket. He feels badly about using a distraction, but if it's what he thinks it is, Atsumu deserves as much time to be ignorant as possible.

Kiyoomi pulls back and says “Thanks, I'm going to go finish the dishes.”

Atsumu looks a little dazed, “Alright Omi”.

Kiyoomi leaves the room and closes the door behind him. He ignores the dishes and instead sits himself at the table, both phones in front of him.

He opens his own first, slides away the notification of missed calls, and looks through the other notifications.

Messages from an unknown number. Despite the dread in his stomach he opens the thread. He slams the phone onto the table upside down. No. Fuck. It was just a glance but he saw that he had received pictures. Pictures of Atsumu.

With a shaking hand he opens Atsumu's phone. As usual he has about a thousand social media notifications. Try to keep breathing. He sees that Atsumu is being tagged in a ton of posts.

He picks Twitter and looks through the notifications. His body is shaking. It's cropped pictures, so it's just Atsumu’s face. Everyone is…loving them. The comments are…horrid. Kiyoomi wants to throw up. Nobody knows that the pictures they are thirsting over and saying “wish that was me making him cry” are underage sexual assault.

He looks through. All are cropped just short of being explicit. He doesn't see the most recent one, the one that would have Atsumu in his uniform. Kiyoomi has a bad feeling it's on his phone.

It's time. The world has a version of the photos. He's going to see them. It's time.

He clears Atsumu's notifications and opens his own phone again. He reopens the thread from the unknown number. He scrolls quickly up to the top, fuck there are a lot. There is a message at the top. To read the message he is forced to see the first photo. It is indeed the most recent one. Kiyoomi feels sick to his stomach, he was there. He was in the other room when this picture was taken. He let Atsumu be hurt like this, again. He covers the image of Atsumu with his eyes closed, pressed up against their coach’s desk, mouth full, and reads the message.

“I wanted to give you some tips on how to play with your new toy.”

That's it. He resists the urge to launch his phone at the wall and instead switches to the team group chat.

“I'm aware, Atsumu doesn't know yet, I have his phone. His brother is coming. The video will likely be released soon, maybe tonight.”

He locks his device and feels the urge to break race through him. He wants to hurt and break and destroy. He wants to hurt.

He puts both phones in his pocket and goes back to washing dishes. Maybe washing them a tad too hot.

Atsumu exits the bedroom whistling, “Hey Omi I think the bed ate my phone, have you seen it?”

“No, could have fallen behind, we can look for it tomorrow morning.”

“Alright. You almost done?”

“Almost.” Kiyoomi is putting full effort into keeping a steady, not about to cry, voice.

This happy and calm Atsumu is about to disappear. He wants Osamu to get here, to help him with this, but he also wants this moment to never end. He doesn't want Atsumu to have to face what comes next.

…

Osamu lets himself in. He finds Kiyoomi in the kitchen and asks, “Bedroom?”

Kiyoomi nods. “Is there anything we should remove from the apartment?” Kiyoomi thinks for a moment and shakes his head. Okay. Let's rip off this band aid.

He lets himself into the bedroom, Atsumu doesn't look up from his book right away and says “I was thinking if we don't find my phone tonight I'm going to lose my wordle streak,”

“Tsumu”

Atsumu looks up, started, “What-what the hell Samu?”

“The pictures are out.”

Atsumu goes pale as a sheet, and a little green. His mouth is hanging open. His eyes dart around, as if searching for a way out. There isn't one.

“Wh--why now? What the fuck?” He finally says.

“Someone caught a picture of you kissing Omi at the game…I think that may have been the last straw.”

“God fucking dammit.” He hits his legs, “Dammit!” He yells.

“That fucking bastard.” Atsumu looks livid.

Good. Be angry. Angry is what you should feel in this situation. Osamu comes to sit on the bed, “I think it's video time.”

Atsumu suddenly switches and he is crying, back shaking, “Fuck Samu. Fuck. I don't want to. I don't want everyone to know.”

Osamu rubs his back. He would do anything for his brother. He wishes there was something he could sacrifice to make this all go away. But there isn't. All he can do is be here, and love him, and make sure he gets through this.

“Atsumu, do you remember one of your reasons for making that video?”

Atsumu is gasping through sobs, and a guttural groan comes from his throat.

“You wanted to help other people. Other people who were being hurt. You wanted to show them that there was a way to survive.”

“No” he groans.

Osamu lowers his voice, “You could help some other little kid who is in the thick of it. Who doesn't see a way out. That feels trapped.”

“Samu.”

Atsumu has thrown himself into Osamu’s lap as he cries. Osamu’s heart is breaking. He rubs his back and holds him. His other half. His lifelong best friend. Why can't I do more? Why is this all I can do? Osamu feels his own tears. What did Atsumu do to deserve this?

…

Shoyo and Tobio are on it. They are scouring various social media platforms to flag any photos they find. Hinata is reporting like a mad man, he feels like he is seething when he sees the comments under the photos. People can be so gross.

Then a text pops into the group chat. “Video is up, please like, share, repost, whatever you are comfortable with. We want this to be seen.”

Shoyo does all of the above, and then settles in next to Tobio to watch it.

Atsumu’s bright face fills the window, “Hiya, I'm Miya Atsumu, volleyball setter for the MSBY Black Jackals.

You likely have seen, or will see some pictures of me. I want to clarify what those pictures are. When I was in highschool my Volleyball coach, Norimune Kurosu, sexually assaulted me until he was caught and imprisoned. These photos are from that. I was underage, and being hurt, and the pictures are child pornography.

Please report any photos you see and delete any from your devices.”

Here Atsumu tilts his head and takes a deep breath. Shoyo can tell he practiced this script a lot of times.

“It is unfortunately not uncommon for adults in positions of power to abuse that power. Something I wish I could tell my younger self was that I had more power than I realized. That there were people I could have reached out to. People who would have helped me. It can be incredibly hard to take that step, to spill the secret you've been told or forced to keep. But it's worth it. You don't deserve to be hurt. No matter your age.”

He takes another breath and reaches a hand out of the shot for a moment. Shoyo feels that his eyes are wet. Atsumu is so brave.

“I also wanted to speak about self harm and suicide. I was assaulted again more recently and attempted to commit suicide. In that moment I felt like there was no hope, like my life was always going to be pain. I was wrong. I was so wrong.”

Atsumu's voice cracks but he continues, “If your brain is thinking about those things you need to tell someone. It's not okay and it's not normal and things will get so much better. You need to live. I want you to live and find out what your wonderful future has to hold. If you are hurting now, I am so sorry. It won't always be like this. Stay alive.”

Atsumu looks down and then off screen and gives a tiny nod.

“I'm not sure if I am going to continue my volleyball career. I want to, but there are many factors at play. If I do continue I hope you will cheer me on and respect my privacy. I will not speak to press or fans about my assault or attempt.”

Atsumu bows his head, “Thank you for taking the time, please share this video so that we can help someone who is hurting find a way out.”

The video ends.

“Woah” Shoyo and Tobio say at the same time.

Shoyo leans into Tobio who has an arm around him. Hang in there Atsumu, Shoyo thinks, you're doing so good.

…

Despite what the video says, Atsumu has thoughts of wanting to die. It's hard not to. He hasn't been allowed on his phone, but he knows it is probably terrible.

Osamu and Kiyoomi take shifts staying with him. “You're a burden,” his brain says.

He spends most of his days in the apartments laying in bed. His body just feels so…empty, not quite tired, but like nothing is worth doing. He eats when asked, and showers when reminded, but mostly he just wants to lay down.

He thinks about people seeing him. Seeing that. He feels dirty. He feels like he hates himself. The days pass by and the emptiness stays. He knows Kiyoomi and Osamu try to talk to him, get him to open up, but it just feels impossible. He feels numb, kind of like at the hospital but this time it's not medicine, it's just him. Him and his worst shame on public display. Everybody knows. Everybody has seen. You're a burden. You're a mess. Your loved ones won't wait around for you forever.

One day Osamu and Kiyoomi both come to sit on the bed. Atsumu is lying down, facing the wall. Osamu starts, “We have something to show you. You can either look yourself or I can read it aloud for you.”

Atsumu doesn't move. He doesn't care.

Osamu clears his throat and starts to read,

“Miya-san thank you so much for sharing your story. I just got out of an abusive relationship and this gives me so much hope.”

Kiyoomi reads now, “You are so brave. Thank you so much.”

Osamu again, “I told my mom what my dad had been doing. She is helping me. I wouldn't have had the courage without you. Thank you.”

He feels a hand on his back. Oh. He's crying. Kiyoomi says, “You're helping people, there are so many messages like that.”

Atsumu rolls over towards his family. ‘How do I help myself?”

He watches Kiyoomi and Osamu share a look.

They don't know. They don't know how to help me. They are just as clueless as I am.

Atsumu tries to believe his past self. It will get better. It always gets better. He looks at his loved ones. Soft, loving faces look back at him. He starts to feel a little spark of something in his heart. It's tiny. But it's something other than just numb.

Chapter Text

It's not all at once like it was in the hospital. This time it's his own brain making the numb feeling, so it slowly tapers off instead of suddenly vanishing. Each day he feels a little more. Almost every day he received a handwritten letter from a teammate.

Atsumu isn't sure who came up with the idea but it is incredibly sweet. The letters help him remember his network of people who care about him. Shoyo’s are almost overwhelming to read. They are also some of the most numerous.

One day an unmarked envelope winds up in the pile. He opens all the regular ones and saves it for last. He's a little nervous as he opens it, but immediately recognizes the tight, nearly perfect handwriting. Omi.

Omi has been sleeping on the couch these days, giving Osamu and Atsumu the bed. It pulls out so it thankfully doesn't mess with his back. He's at practice right now. Osamu is in the kitchen making lunch.

Atsumu sits at the table and flattens the letter out.

“Dearest Atsu,

I hope you read this while I'm not home, I don't always show it but I get embarrassed quite easily.

Firstly I want to say that I know you have had letters in the past that were used to hurt you, so there is no obligation to read this. If you don't read it, I will end up saying it to you anyways, someday, somehow.

I know everything is so hard right now. You have been working so hard. I'm so fucking proud of you every single day. Every day.

It feels like everyday is a gift when it is with you. I'm so extremely thankful for every moment that helped us be brought together. I am so thankful for every time you were vulnerable and let me get to know you, the real you. And I'm thankful for every time you were there for me when I was vulnerable. I trust you. So fully. I don't think I've ever trusted someone to know the real me like I do with you.

I want you to know that I am planning on staying for as long as you will have me. It's always going to be a partnership, I only want to be there if you want me there. And yes, I want you here with me.

I feel ready to have you really officially live here. I know you're still paying rent on your apartment, and if you feel ready we can talk about taking steps. There is no pressure to, I just want to open the conversation. I love that you think of this place as home. It feels like home with you here. Again, I know things are crazy right now, there isn't a rush, we can take things slow.

I see that you're hurting. I wish that there was so much more I could do to relieve the pain. Please tell me if there is something else I can be doing. I feel so sorry that I forced you to process something before you were ready. I understand if there is resentment you are feeling about it. If so, we should talk about it when you're ready.

Atsumu, whatever you choose to do in this life I am going to support you. You have so much life ahead of you, I just know that you are going to do incredible things. This time right now is hard, but it's not always going to be this hard. I'm so proud of you. You are so brave and so strong. I know you might not agree, but it's true.

I'm going to wrap up this letter now.
I love you. I will see you soon I'm sure.

Love, Omi.”

Atsumu has never received a letter like this before, one that expressed such unconditional love. He folds the papers back up carefully and tucks them back into the envelope.

Osamu sees that he is finished and comes up beside him, “Hungry?”

“Not really,” Atsumu responds. He holds the envelope in his hands, and looks up at his brother, “He really loves me. He loves me for just…being me.”

Osamu nods, glancing at the envelope, “Honestly Tsumu, it's really easy to love you, just as you are.”

Atsumu looks away, the eye contact too much, “He says I can move in, like for real.”

Osamu sits down next to him.

“Do you want to?”

“Yeah…I never thought he would want that.”

“He’s a lot less rigid for you. Like, he physically relaxes when it's just the two of you together.”

Atsumu feels something weird in his belly. Kiyoomi had said something similar in his letter. Atsumu bites his lip, “Can I get a second chance at that food?”

Osamu laughs and pats his back, “Sure thing.” Samu leaves the room and Atsumu looks down at the envelope. Kiyoomi really wants to be in his life. It's so hard to believe. Especially in his current state, which has been so needy and burdensome. Like, Osamu is stuck with him, has been since the womb, but Kiyoomi…he doesn't have an obligation to stick around. Yet…

…

Osamu has overnight deliveries. Atsumu isn't used to sleeping alone anymore. He lays in a dark room, listening to complete silence, eyes open. He lays a hand over the cold spot in the bed. He likes sleeping next to Samu, it reminds him of when they were kids and shared a room.

If he's being honest, he misses sleeping with Omi. Sleeping with Omi feels different. He gets up, pulling the blanket with him. He goes down the hall and looks into the living room. He hears the deep breathing of a sleeping Omi. He walks closer and looks down. Kiyoomi looks so gentle, face fully relaxed. It's kind of amazing to see such a strong, powerful, muscular person just fully soft. He leans down and brushes fingers along the ridge of black curls.

The pull out sofa is definitely smaller than a bed, but there is room. Atsumu climbs in behind Kiyoomi. He hears Omi start to wake, “Huh?”

“Just me, can I stay?”

“Mhmm” Kiyoomi hums

Atsumu smiles and climbs under the blanket, pressing his chest up against Kiyoomi’s back, arm wrapping around his middle.

“Did you read my letter?” Kiyoomi whispers.

“I did. It was so nice.” He gives Kiyoomi’s middle a squeeze.

Kiyoomi stays quiet, but places a hand gently over the arm across his stomach.

“I…I'd like to move in. Officially.”

The hand squeezes his arm, “I’d love that” Kiyoomi says.

“Ugh, I'm going to have to actually do something about my apartment.”

“We will help.”

Atsumu buries his face into the shirt in front of him. Omi smells like home.

“Your letter.”

“Yes?” There is a touch of anxiety.

“It was…it really was something.”

“Oh.”

“No! Like a really good something. It was kind of overwhelming.”

The hand squeezes him again.

Atsumu continues, “I felt… really loved. Did you mean it?”

“With all my heart.” The answer is immediate, like Kiyoomi didn't even have to think for a second.

Atsumu can feel his face blushing. He presses his forehead into the strong back in front of him.

“Do you ever think about teenage us? And if they could see us now?”

Kiyoomi lets out a short breathy laugh, “All the time.”

“What would teenage Omi think?”

Kiyoomi pauses, fingers lightly stroking the arm around him, “I think I would be surprised. I struggled so much with my OCD, I really felt unlovable. I think I would also feel happy. I thought you were incredible.”

Atsumu finds that hard to believe. Kiyoomi was so unimpressed with him at All Tokyo.

Kiyoomi turns in his arm, rotating his body to face him. “Do you not believe me?”

They are now face to face, his arm still slung over a slim waist.

“Just…the way you looked at me back then, was like you hated my guts.”

Kiyoomi smiles, “I did. I hated that there were some things you were better at than me. You were incredible.”

“Oh.” His blush heats, and he is thankful for the darkness of the room.

“What would teenage Atsumu have thought?” Kiyoomi asks quietly.

Atsumu thinks for a minute, and actually tries to imagine it. What would it be like if that version of him could see his life now?

He can feel the answer, he can feel it in his stomach. Instead of words though he feels hot tears. God dammit could he go a day without crying? He pulls his arm away from Omi to wipe at his eyes. He feels so sensitive these days. He feels gentle fingers in his hair. “It's alright, don't hold it in Atsu”.

Atsumu bites his cheek skin. He had just wanted to sleep, he hadn't planned to wind up crying on the couch. He feels Omi’s hands move to his back and he is pulled forwards into a warm chest. So many times he has cried against this man. This man who hates germs and bodily fluids. And yet…he is pulling him closer.

“My brave Atsu, I've got you.”
He lets himself cry. Omi has him. If teenage Atsumu could see himself now he might have asked for help as soon as things got bad. He might have walked out of Nori's office without being hurt. He might not have been groomed. But teenage Atsumu didn't know. To be honest, teenage Atsumu thought that he was going to be trapped forever. His coach talked about how they were going to spend their lives together, how good it was going to be.

Kiyoomi rubs his back and holds him close.
What the hell did he do to deserve Kiyoomi?

…

God. God. God. Why does he feel so good? Atsumu looks down and sees pale skin, pale skin with hickies on it. His hickies. Fuck. He's so tight. Atsumu is on top. Kiyoomi doesn't say anything. Atsumu wants to lean down and bite, mark, kiss. He moves forwards and Kiyoomi moans. That moan. It's crazy making. Atsumu moves out and in again, God it's like euphoric, is it always supposed to feel this way? He pushes in harder, delighting in watching the man under him.

“Atsu…”

Yeah baby?

“Atsumu…”

What?

“Atsu wake up”

His eyes open to see that gorgeous face, but it's not under him, it's over him. Atsumu blinks in confusion.

“You alright? You were moving a lot and groaning. Nightmare?”

Fuck. Well. At least Atsumu hadn't completed his wet dream while next to Omi.

“Was definitely an intense dream. I was moving?”

“Yeah…it woke me up.”

“Eh, sorry Omi. You just put your pretty head back to sleep. I'm going to use the bathroom.”

“O-okay” Kiyoomi seems anxious.

“No worries, I'm really okay” he kisses Omi’s forehead before he heads to the bathroom to take care of some serious business.

He sits on the edge of the tub and pulls himself out. God that was a good dream. He wonders if he was moving so much that Omi could feel him. God, why does that thought get him even harder. He starts to stroke himself with a tight grip. It's dry but he's already so worked up.

He and Omi fell asleep spooning. Atsumu has been the big spoon. What if? God, what if he had been pressing up against Omi like that? Showing him how he was fucking him in the dream.

He's panting, trying not to make a sound, thinking about Kiyoomi’s fucking fantastic ass against his cock.

“Atsu?”

Atsumu grips the base and bites his lip. Fuck.

“Are you okay?”

“Yup Omi, all good, just a minute.” He knows he sounds out of breath, like he is strained.

He hears Omi try the door but it's locked, “Are you hurt?”

Atsumu looks up at the ceiling. No easy way out of this one. “Omi I'm totally fine. Was having a good dream. Just need a minute please.”

Even through the door he can hear Kiyoomi spin his mental wheels, “Ah! Sorry! No problem…take your time.”

Atsumu hears the footsteps recede and looks down. Leave it to his dick to not soften at all during that conversation. His brain isn't quite in the zone anymore though.

He sighs. His phone is in his pocket due to the impromptu sleepover. He pulls it out and hesitates before he does his usual search. The things he usually looks at, he knows it's not good, not healthy, but it feels like the only thing that does the trick. It's nothing crazy, usually. Usually it's just videos of some twink getting dominated by an older guy. It feels good in the moment, feels hot, but as soon as the orgasm has crested it feels awful. Atsumu hasn't been able to stop though.

He hesitates now. This new information about having been groomed, that his brain has been primed to want this so he could be easier to use. All the things he made himself see to get off, it was still Nori.

Well, that finally gets his cock to soften. He puts his phone back in his pocket. Now he feels gross. He pulls his pants back up. He takes a deep breath. He opens the bathroom door, “Omi?”

He hears shuffling and then Kiyoomi’s head is poked into the hallway, “Yeah?”

“Can we move to the bed?”

Kiyoomi hesitates, his eyes darting to the bedroom for a moment. He looks back at Atsumu and must see the sadness there. “Sure Atsu”.

Kiyoomi brings the blanket Atsumu had brought out back into the bedroom. They settle into their normal spots.

“You sure you're okay?”

Atsumu nods. He is. He's sad, but okay.

Kiyoomi must be tired because he falls asleep within a few minutes. Atsumu listens to his steady breathing, and feels himself nod off too.

…

Through working with the police, the social media networks, and the sheer willpower of Shoyo’s reporting rampages, they get so many photos taken down. Kiyoomi had to turn his phone into the police so they could investigate and delete the photos. He gets it a few days later and the messages are gone except for the text message.

The only one he really saw was the most recent one. It feels seared into his memory. He now has two terrible images of Atsumu with his eyes closed. He also has dozens of images of Atsumu with his eyes closed, resting peacefully, safe. He wishes he could take the good ones and replace the painful ones.

He looks over to the photos of little Atsumu that they had picked out and hung up. Is that what Atsumu was doing? Is that why he wanted 23? One for one?

Kiyoomi goes over to the photo wall in their entryway. Atsumu's smile is so beautiful, like it lights up a room. Kiyoomi’s eyes slide over the pictures. He finds himself reaching up to touch the field of flowers one. He hears someone come up behind him and he pulls his hand away.

It's Osamu, he's looking at the pictures too.
“That's a good one,” he says. They are both looking at the pictures. “I don't think I've ever properly thanked you.”

Kiyoomi’s head turns but Osamu keeps looking straight ahead.

“For all of it. Atsumu…he's a part of me, he always will be.” He turns to make eye contact, “Thank you.”

Kiyoomi nods, trying to keep his flustered feelings from showing.

Osamu looks back at the wall and tsks, “Think we might need some Omi ones, and some current ones. You have any photos of Atsumu?”

“A few. I'd really like the beach one though, from your insta”

Osamu keeps looking at the pictures and smiles. “I can make that happen. Send me any others you want printed.”

…

Once Atsumu catches wind that photos are being printed he demands to see Kiyoomi’s childhood photos.

To be honest Kiyoomi doesn't have a lot with him. Probably they are all with his mom. He tells Atsumu as much and is surprised when Atsumu asks, “Can we visit her?”.

He's…he hasn't brought anyone back to Mom since…maybe ever.

He hasn't even spoken to his mom in a few months.

It's a scary thought. But there is also a part of Kiyoomi that wants to. He wants to share all of himself with Atsumu, even this.

“I can ask.”

“Okay!” And he is given that radiant smile. The one that makes his heart melt and hurt at the same time.

Chapter Text

Atsumu picks the songs for the drive up north. To Kiyoomi’s childhood home. The one he tries not to visit. They are all upbeat songs that Atsumu can sing along to.

He feels his nervousness grow as the miles tick by. He wants Atsumu to know him, but maybe this was a mistake. He is literally about to show Atsumu his worst fears, the worst version of himself that he imagines. He loves his mom. He really does. But Kiyoomi is so afraid he will follow in her footsteps.

Kiyoomi turns down the volume and Atsumu stops singing and looks over. He knows Atsumu can tell he is nervous.

“How much do you know about OCD?”

“Mmm, I did a little bit of research after you told me. Obsessive and compulsive thoughts that you can't get rid of, right?”

Kiyoomi nods, Atsumu put it simply, seeing the reality can be quite different.

“I'm not sure how my mom is doing, to be honest, we don't talk a lot. But I imagine her symptoms will be more noticeable than mine.”

“You said she likes things to be a certain way?”

Kiyoomi sighs, “It's not so much that she likes it that way, it has to be that way or her brain can't let her move on.”

Kiyoomi fiddles with the gear shift, picking at the worn leather.

“When I still lived there she had a lot of routines. I imagine we will see some today. It's best to just let her work it out.”

“Routines?”

“Yeah, a lot of the routines have to do with the house. Like going from room to room and doing certain things until the brain is somewhat satisfied, because it's never really satisfied.”

Atsumu is quiet, listening.

“Or she might say things that don't make sense. Or she might echo something a bunch of times.”

“Can I ask you something?”

“Yeah.”

“What does it feel like?”

Kiyoomi feels his heart hammering in his chest, he keeps his eyes focused on the road.

“It…it kind of feels like someone is in your brain. Telling you and showing you things. For each person it is different. For me it's like a beast and if you feed the beast it gets stronger and if you ignore the beast it gets louder. It feels like a lose-lose situation. Sometimes it feels like I really can't stop. Like I have no control.”

His fingers grip the steering wheel. He can feel Atsumu’s eyes on him.

“How has it been lately?” Atsumu asks.

“I've been better. It's not unmanageable though. What's hard is even when the behaviors are under control the thoughts don't stop. It's tiring. Always fighting it.”

Atsumu is quiet and leans back in his chair.

“Sounds traumatic.”

That makes Kiyoomi blink. He glances over and then back at the road. Atsumu checks Kiyoomi’s phone, “About 15 more minutes.”

Kiyoomi nods and clears his throat, “What does your brain feel like? When it's misbehaving?”

Atsumu is looking out the window now.
“Some things sound similar. Like I can't stop thinking about certain things or can't stop feeling certain things. You know about my trapped feeling, I think that's part of it. It also feels like shame a lot of the time.”

He pauses, “Is your mom nice?”

Kiyoomi smiles, “She is quite nice. Sometimes her brain gets in the way, but at her core she is nice.”

“Does she know? About us?”

Kiyoomi bites his lip. His mom knows he's gay, she didn't care, but he hasn't ever told her about his dating life, not that there was ever much to tell, until now.

“Could I tell her when I introduce you?”

Atsumu laughs, “She’s your mom Omi, you can tell her whatever you want.”

Kiyoomi swallows, “it matters to me what you want.”

Atsumu hums for a moment, “I want her to know if it's okay with you.”

“It's settled then.”

Atsumu looks down at the phone, “10 minutes.”

Kiyoomi looks ahead at his home town exit down the length of highway. He can do this.

…

They stand in front of a decently fancy house. The outside is well taken care of, but it doesn't have anything personal, not even a doormat.

Kiyoomi looks over at him, eyes holding fear, “Ready?”.

“Ready when you are Omi.”

Kiyoomi rings the doorbell, and then takes out his keys and unlocks the door. He lets them in. Atsumu gives him a ‘what the heck?’ look and Kiyoomi just shrugs, a weird look on his face. There is an entryway with nothing in it. Kiyoomi grabs his shoulder and has him take off his shoes, he places their shoes outside.

Kiyoomi walks a little further into the entryway and calls out, “Ma?”

“In here Kiyoomi” comes a call from further in the house. Kiyoomi looks back at Atsumu and nods his head forwards, quietly saying, let's go.

Atsumu follows him, letting his eyes wander all over everything. This is where Omi grew up. The inside of the house is so…normal. There are pictures on the wall and knick-knacks, and even some clutter.

Kiyoomi leads him into a living room where a woman is sitting with several photo albums. She is beautiful, with long dark curly hair and deep, intense eyes.

Kiyoomi bows slightly and Atsumu follows suit. He is being very formal with his mom.

“Ma, this is Miya Atsumu, he plays with me and is my partner.”

Atsumu feels his ear burn, he had totally been expecting to be introduced as a boyfriend. He bows again, “Nice to meet you.”

“Oh Kiyoomi, he is darling.”

Atsumu feels his face heat to what is probably a bright red.

“I know,” Kiyoomi says with a smile.

She gives Atsumu a sly look and says, “So you want to see Kiyoomi?” He nods, but stays standing because Kiyoomi does.

“Where do you want us?” Kiyoomi asks.

She points to a set of side chairs and says, “You take the left Kiyoomi”.

She looks away as they sit, and starts arranging the books. She picks each one up and gives it a place on the table. She picks each one up again and places it down. And again. And again. She seems to be getting frustrated.

“It's alright Ma, we aren't in a hurry.”

That soft voice, it's the same one he uses to reassure Atsumu.

She nods and continues to get them placed correctly. “Okay” she says and leans back. She has arranged them for Kiyoomi and Atsumu to look through. Kiyoomi reaches forwards and then pauses. She nods and he flips one of the albums open.

Oh god. Baby pictures. Those two fucking moles on a bald chubby face. Atsumu leans forwards to look closely. “Ommmiii” he whines as he points to one of Kiyoomi sleeping.

He hears Omi’s mom laugh and he looks up, she is tugging on each of her earlobes, each side in sync. She hesitates when he looks up, looking like she tries to stop but ultimately she continues. Atsumu looks back down as Kiyoomi flips the page.

There are a few family pictures. There is toddler Omi, a thick mess of curls, two older siblings, a boy and a girl, and a younger version of Mom, and someone who Atsumu assumes is Dad. Kiyoomi doesn't talk about it but Atsumu heard through the grapevine that his father had passed away when he was in highschool.

Kiyoomi turns the page again and then there are lots of pictures of his siblings. Atsumu finds out that his sister was an incredible swimmer, his older brother was in band, and marching band, and jazz band. It seems all the Sakusa’s do things intensely.

The next page highlights Kiyoomi’s achievements in volleyball.

Suddenly Kiyoomi Mom asks if Atsumu wants anything. Trying to be polite, Atsumu starts to decline until Kiyoomi jabs him with an elbow, “Yes please, anything is fine.” His voice is a higher pitch than usual.

She leaves the room and closes the door behind her. The door opens slightly and closes again several times before it's right.

Kiyoomi whispers under his breath, “She needed an excuse to leave the room.”

“Oh. That makes sense.”

“You're doing well, she likes you.”

Atsumu tries to change the subject, “I like these.” He says pointing to a photo of Kiyoomi in his highschool jersey.

Kiyoomi lets him pivot the topic and turns to the album. “She told me ahead of time that we could take some.”

“Is that okay?”

“She wouldn't have said it if she didn't mean it.”

Atsumu flips back to the first few pages and takes out a baby photo, “definitely this one,” he flips another page, eyes lingering over the family photo. He sees Kiyoomi glance at him from the corner of his eye.

Kiyoomi reaches forwards and slides it out of the plastic sleeve. He holds it for a moment and places it on top of the baby picture.

“Can we look at the next book?”

Kiyoomi pulls it forwards and places it in front of them. “Is it okay to move it?”

“That's why she left, to let us look.”

Oh. Navigating this is like second nature to Kiyoomi. Atsumu thinks about living in this house, where everything has a secret place. It must have taken teenage Kiyoomi a lot of patience, especially since he had been working through his own stuff.

His heart aches a little. Kiyoomi didn't get to be a carefree kid like he should have. Atsumu wonders if the agoraphobia and the passing of his father are related.

They find a few more pictures to take. Even as a child Kiyoomi didn't smile a ton, at most his mouth was a slanted line showing a lack of annoyance. Kiyoomi looks lonely in a lot of the pictures. His siblings are a decent bit older so that left Kiyoomi alone to navigate highschool and OCD.

Atsumu leans over to put his head against Kiyoomi’s shoulder, “How are you doing?”

Atsumu feels Kiyoomi let out a breath, “I'm okay, sometimes it's hard to be here.”

Atsumu takes hold of his hand. “Thanks for bringing me.”

Kiyoomi bites his lip and his fingers fidget.
“I think we should get going. Having company is usually stressful for her.”

“Okay…how do we…?”

“I’ll give you the tour while we look for her.”

Kiyoomi takes him through the rooms. It's a really nice house. They are upstairs and Atsumu realizes that Kiyoomi probably has a room. He grabs onto the taller man’s bicep, halting him. “Can I see your room?”

Kiyoomi's eyes widen, “Wh--why?”

Atsumu’s eyes crinkle as he smiles and says “Please?”.

Kiyoomi hesitates but does lead him to a room down at the end of the hall. He gestures towards the doorknob and Atsumu lets himself in.

His heart freezes up a little when he sees a totally baren room. It has a bed, and a desk, and …that's kind of it. There is nothing extra, not like Kiyoomi’s current apartment which is still pretty minimal, but it is also soft and has little things that are Omi’s.

He walks in, and turns around, looking at it from all angles. Kiyoomi stands in the doorway, fidgeting hands on either side.

“Omi” Atsumu says in a whisper.

“This was my haven. The place I could control. The place where my brain could relax a little.”

It feels like his heart is breaking. There is really nothing here. It kind of looks like his room from the hospital. He meets Omi’s eyes. “Thank you” he says, and steps out.

They find Kiyoomi’s mother in an office room upstairs, she is working on the computer, thin glasses pushed down her nose.

“Hey Ma, we are going to get going.”

She looks up and pushes the chair out a little, “It was so nice to meet you Miya.”

“Atsumu is fine,” he says with a smile.

“Atsumu, thank you for taking care of my Kiyoomi”

Atsumu scratches the back of his head, “If anything it's the other way around.”

Kiyoomi’s mom looks at her son for a moment, and then says, “No, I think you are taking care of each other.”

…

The mood in the car is very different from the way up. Atsumu is no longer singing, instead looking intently out the window.

Kiyoomi is sweating. Atsumu is realizing. He's realizing what could happen to Kiyoomi. He is weighing it out in his head. If he wants to stay and try to make this work.

It was a mistake to bring him there. But also, Atsumu deserved to know, deserved to see what the future could be, so he can make an informed decision.

Atsumu's voice breaks through his spiraling thoughts, “Now that you've visited, how do you think she is doing?”

Kiyoomi’s mouth opens but words don't immediately come out, “She actually…seemed pretty good.” What Atsumu saw was a really good version of it all.

“That's good,” Atsumu responds, still looking out the window.

“What-what did you think? Of her?”

Now Atsumu turns, “She is really nice, and she thinks I'm darling.” He says the last word exaggeratedly, drawing out the syllables.

Tell me what you think. Tell me what you really think. Kiyoomi’s brain wants to yell, stop the car, force Atsumu’s words out.

He keeps his foot on the gas and his hands on the wheel. Breathe. Breathe.

Atsumu is watching him now. “Omi, what's on your mind? You look constipated.”

Kiyoomi gives a huffing laugh that doesn't leave his lungs. “I'm worried.” He lets the words hang in the air.

“About her?”

Kiyoomi swallows the rock in his throat, “No. Worried about what you're thinking.”

Atsumu looks down at his lap, he seems to be thinking. He's deciding what to tell me. He's deciding that he still needs me to drive him back so he can't break up with me yet. He's deciding what lie to give me.

“You're worried because you see yourself in her? And you think I got spooked?”

Kiyoomi nods, feeling his eyes water. He blinks, trying to push them away.

Atsumu sees and says “Oh Omi, I'm not scared. I'm not scared at all. God, you've loved me at my very worst, like the literal worst. I'm going to love you at your worst too, whatever it looks like.”

The tears overflow and Kiyoomi tries to wipe them and keep a good handle on the wheel.

“Take the exit Omi, we aren't in a rush.”

Those words. He had said almost the exact same thing to his mom earlier today.

He silently takes the exit, it's a small rural town, with more greenery than human structures. He pulls them off the road, parks and leans his head forward against the steering wheel. I'm already just like her. I'm already so…

A hand is rubbing his back. He shakes his head and the hand pulls away.

Atsumu's voice is barely a whisper, “What is the beast telling you? What story is it telling you?”

Kiyoomi sucks in a breath, “It's telling me I'm too much, that I'm too much for you.”

He sees Atsumu nod in the passenger seat and it feels like he is being crushed alive.

“I'm going to tell you what I saw from our trip. And I'm going to ask you to trust me, trust me that it's my truth.

I saw someone who was hurting, and struggling, but not someone who would be hard to love. I saw a lovely house, and pictures of a lovely family.

I saw the bedroom of a teen who was really hurting. Hurting so much it was hard not to cry.

I saw a future. A future for us. I saw…hope.”

He takes a breath, hand tapping against the window, “You're not too much Kiyoomi, not at all. And if you have times where your OCD sneaks up on you, we will face the beast together.”

Atsumu lays his hand out, palm up, an invitation. Kiyoomi just looks at it for a moment before he takes it, and holds hands.

His brain is still yelling. Yelling about how Atsumu is lying or confused or delusional.
“Can you drive?”

“Sure thing Omi”

They swap seats and Atsumu gets them back on the highway. It's clear Atsumu doesn't drive a lot, his gear shifts are not smooth, but he does alright.

It's Kiyoomi's turn to look out the window, “I've never done that before.”

“What?”

“Brought someone home.”

“Thank you for bringing me”

“Thank you for coming. Thank you for not being afraid.”

Kiyoomi can see Atsumu reflected in the glass. He has a weird expression on his face, like he is…angry. When Kiyoomi looks over to see it for real, it's gone.

“Never will be afraid of you Omi”

Kiyoomi feels drained. His mind is still running wild, but the reality is that he is here with Atsumu and Atsumu is telling him it's okay. It's okay. Maybe it will be okay.

Chapter Text

Lots of things click back into place. Atsumu gets his phone back, isn't let go from the team, returns to practice, Osamu goes back to his place, and most importantly, Atsumu seems alive again.

Kiyoomi gets a text from his mom linking an article about Atsumu, “Is this your Atsumu?” The article is about his video and his story. It's a positive article, framing Atsumu as someone who is brave instead of victimized.

“Yes” he texts back.

“He is quite an incredible person.” She texts back.

“He really is.”

….

Shoyo isn't letting go of him. It's Atsumu’s first day back to practice in a while and Shoyo is clinging to him. Atsumu can't bear to end the hug so they stand there for quite some time. Finally Shoyo steps back and points directly at Atsumu’s chest, “Just wait till you see my jump floater serve!”

“Eh? You got it?”

Shoyo nods vigorously and mimics the hand motion.

“Nice!” Atsumu ruffles his hair and Shoyo scampers off. Atsumu pulls on his practice clothes and looks down at his arm. It's healed, with a thick pink scar. He pokes at it and imagines a 100km/hr ball hitting there. Well, if he wants to play he has to receive.

He finds Kiyoomi on the court and watches him for a moment. He is doing drills with Bokuto and Meian, alternating spiking and receiving. He walks over, “Room for a setter?”

“Hell yeah” Bokuto says, “I missed your damn sets Atsumu.”

Meian interrupts, “Go practice with Shoyo, he has the most energy to jump, then you can practice with us old guys.”

He wants me to calibrate my set before I embarrass myself. Atsumu is thankful. He feels like he hasn't played in forever. He finds Shoyo-kun and has him jump time and time again until they nail the perfect spike. Shoyo hits the ground and hollars, fists in the air. They match up a few more times before Kiyoomi walks over, saying “My turn”.

Atsumu feels his heart beat fast. He wants to connect with Omi, he wants to get that feeling of matching him perfectly and helping him unleash his full power. He wants to make Omi unstoppable.

It helps a lot that Atsumu's arm feels better. It no longer has that numb disconnected feeling that sent the balls too far to the left. He feels like he has full control of his fingers again, launching the ball right into that sweet spot. After hitting a good one Kiyoomi lands and makes eye contact, “God I missed you.”

Atsumu feels his neck warm. He's not used to Omi just saying stuff like that, in public no less.

“I missed this too.” He says back. Kiyoomi gives him an appraising look, and then says, “Again”.

…

Atsumu seriously needs to work on his stamina. He has to tap out way before anybody else. He stretches, making a plan to increase his time at the gym. Coach Foster walks over and sits next to him. Atsumu feels his stomach flip.

“You got right back into it,” Foster says

Atsumu nods, “Like riding a bike”.

“While you were out the board had some meetings about the situation.”

Atsumu pauses to look up at his Coach.

“Some thought that it was a scandal that would hurt the team’s image, but most were on our side, and saw the great work your video did. Also, your leaving would have been terrible for morale. Everyone is smiling so much more today. We missed you.”

“I missed you all. It's like a part of me was missing when I had to stay off the court.”

Foster looks thoughtful. “You are a natural leader. Even while you were gone Shoyo worked hard to impress you.”

“Do you miss playing?” He finds himself asking before he realizes.

Foster retains his thoughtful expression. “Sometimes. I miss my body being able to do it all. But there is another kind of joy in helping many reach their goals.”

Atsumu looks down at the mat. He already loves that feeling. The feeling of pulling the best out of his teammates.

“Do you think my history would get in the way of me coaching some day?”

Foster scratches his cheek, “I don't think anything could stop you, Atsumu.”

They both watch the team continue practice, the sound of volleyballs hitting the floor, of men grunting, of Shoyo whooping. He loves this life he has. He really loves it. And…he thinks he may love his future life too.

…

Atsumu is lying over Kiyoomi’s lap, his head resting over legs as he reads on his phone. Kiyoomi has fingers in his hair, caressing gently as he reads his own book.

He glances down and sees that Atsumu is looking up at him instead of at his phone. The look has something in it, something that makes Kiyoomi feel warm.

He gazes down into beautiful auburn eyes. “Omi, I miss ya”

“I'm right here.”

“I miss doing stuff with ya.”

Kiyoomi’s eyelashes flutter as he processes that, “We can talk about it.” He says.

They hadn't done anything except quick kisses on the mouth since Atsumu got drunk, bled, figured out he had been groomed, and then had his pictures leaked.

“How are you feeling about it?”

“I feel like I want to try and figure out how to enjoy it for me. Not just to make someone else feel good, although that would be a nice byproduct.”

Kiyoomi nods. He's not going to lie, the thought scares him. The thought that Atsumu will wind up trauma reenacting with him.

“How can we…what can we do to make this safe?”

Atsumu thinks for a minute, eyes looking up at the ceiling. “I think…I think going really slow, and checking in a lot and…stopping as soon as I get that feeling. I want my body and brain to know that you and me will stop.”

“I like that plan.”

“And…it was really nice when you asked me if I wanted to stop. It's a lot easier to say yes in that moment than it is to say no.”

Kiyoomi hadn't even realized that he had phrased it that way, “I can keep doing that.”

Atsumu turns his face away, “It's hard to ask for these things. Makes me feel…broken.”

Kiyoomi continues to pet his head. God, how can I show him and make him understand?

“I know it's not the same, but one of the reasons I don't have an extensive sex history is because to actually feel comfortable doing it, I had to ask for…accommodations, and sometimes it was easier to just not ask and not do it.”

Atsumu turns back and gives him a curious look, “Do you mind me asking?”

Kiyoomi shakes his head, “No it's okay.” He looks away from Atsu and feels his chest burning with embarrassment. “I used to need things to be tidy. Really tidy. Sex is not tidy.” He takes a breath, hand still moving in Atsumu’s hair, “Some of the things I've asked for are for us both to wear gloves. Another thing I've asked for is to…use toys instead of our bodies for some things. Some people, I asked them not to kiss me.”

“Did people react poorly?”

“Some. There were also some good folks who got it.”

Atsumu fidgets, and says, “I kissed you, a lot…did…”

“That didn't make me feel uncomfortable.”

“Why?”

“I don't always know what is going to bother me. There might be a day that it's something I don't want.”

“That would be okay.” Atsumu says.

Kiyoomi feels like he is burning up under the attention. “For you too. Things can change. Just because we do something once, doesn't mean it's ever expected.”

Atsumu reaches a hand up to brush a finger along Kiyoomi’s chin and jaw bone.

Kiyoomi looks down to meet his gaze.

“Any chance you wanna start now?”

Kiyoomi chuckles softly, “What do you want, Atsumu?”

Atsumu blushes in his lap, “A kiss?”

Kiyoomi moves his hand under Atsumu's head and helps him sit up. Atsumu is sitting right next to his legs, their upper bodies so close without actually sitting on each other. Atsumu’s hand brushes into his curls, laying his fingers along his scalp.

“That reminds me, do you like your hair to be tugged?”

Kiyoomi jerks a little, surprised by the question, “I…I'm not sure.”

Atsumu hums, “Something to keep in mind for the future then,” and he leans in. He stops a moment before the actual kiss, eyes closed, waiting for Kiyoomi.

Kiyoomi’s heart feels constricted. He shifts and closes the gap between them, his lips pressing softly into Atsumu's.

Kiyoomi hears a soft exhale from the other man, as he tilts his head and uses his hand to guide Kiyoomi closer.

Their lips slide together, slow, loving. Kiyoomi puts his hand on the small of Atsumu's back. They aren't using tongues, instead focusing on the feeling of each other's lips. Kiyoomi pulls back, resting his forehead against Atsumu, he feels a puff of breath as Atsumu whispers “Omi”.

“How are you feeling?”

“Mmm, good, your lips are so soft.”

“How is your body feeling?”

Atsumu leans back and rests his hands on Kiyoomi’s shoulders.

“It's good. I was able to stay focused on the feelings.”

Kiyoomi glances at Atsumu’s wet lips before he looks back up, “Is that how it usually starts going wrong?”

Atsumu leans up against the back of the couch, wrapping an arm around Kiyoomi’s shoulders. “Yeah, if my brain starts thinking too much, it goes to ‘that’ place.”

Kiyoomi nods, “Have you ever tried doing mindfulness exercises or like meditation?”

Atsumu lays his head down onto a shoulder, “No, what does it do?”

“It is something I've used in the past. It can strengthen your ability to direct and focus your attention. Helps you feel more in control of your own brain.”

“Hmm, I'll ask my therapist about it.”

Atsumu relaxes into the side cuddle.

“What were you and Coach Foster talking about at practice today?”

“I was asking him about coaching.”

Kiyoomi feels his body stiffen, is Atsumu thinking of leaving the team?

“Don't worry Omi, I'm not leaving yet, I have a few seasons left in me. But I think it could be a good option for the future. It's hard to imagine a life for myself without volleyball.”

Kiyoomi relaxes. He's glad, he wants to keep playing with Atsumu.

Atsumu wiggles and then says “Have you thought about the future, after being pro?”

Kiyoomi has, he does, he's kind of always thinking about the future, one of the gifts of living with anxiety. He doesn't have a solid plan. And that terrifies him. And now he has Atsumu, who he wants to stay with, forever…if he is allowed to. He thinks about his mom, and whether or not he should even come up with a plan. Why put the work in when his own brain could throw it all out the window?

Atsumu notices his silence and turns to look at him, “Hey, what's going on up there?”

“Just…yes…I think about it, but it kind of overwhelms me.”

Atsumu settles back down, “We have time to figure it out.”

We. We have time. Not ‘you’ have time. ‘We’ have time. Kiyoomi has never had a ‘we’ before. He grabs ahold of Atsumu and pulls him close. Please let me stay, he thinks.

Chapter Text

Frankly, Atsumu hadn't thought it would hurt this much.

He had asked Shoyo and Kiyoomi to do an extra session at the gym with him, so he could practice receiving. He figures he is going to have to build up the strength and endurance in his left arm.

Shoyo sets and Kiyoomi spikes and - Holy fuck. Holy fuck holy fuck. Atsumu drops to his knees and the ball launches across the gym. There are tears in his eyes and the pain radiates through his arm into his back.

The impact spot is bright red. His right hand grabs onto the sensitive skin and he leans over, holding his arm to his chest.

I did this. This is my fault. I jeopardize everything and it's my fault. He feels Kiyoomi’s hands on his back. It hurts. It hurts.

He pounds a fist against the floor and yells. A wordless shout caused by pain. After a moment he stands on shaking legs and says “I can do a few more”.

Kiyoomi shakes his head quickly, “No, Atsu, its-”

Atsumu looks at him, trying to plead with his eyes as well as his voice, “Please. I have to do this. I have to break in the new skin. Otherwise I'll never play.”

Kiyoomi shuts his mouth and swallows. Atsumu looks over to Shoyo who looks like he's seen a ghost.

“The first one was going to be the worst, I can do a few more.”

He was wrong. The first one was not the worst. With the skin already raw it hurts double. He presses his forehead onto the cold gym floor. God dammit. God dammit. He's gasping, trying to breath through the pain. “One more. Last one.”

Kiyoomi looks pained, but he gets into position.
“Don't hold back” Atsumu says, as he crouches, trembling arms out in front of him.

…

Kiyoomi forces him to sit on the bench and hold his arm out in front of him. Kiyoomi straddles the bench and takes hold of Atsumu’s wrist, placing it between his legs. Kiyoomi pulls two bottles out of his bag. One is aloe and the other is scar cream.

“May I?” Kiyoomi asks, gesturing to his bright red arm. Atsumu nods, internally flinching at the idea of something rubbing against his raw scar.

Kiyoomi takes the aloe and puts some on his hands, he rubs it for a moment, warming the liquid and places his hands against the skin. It is instantly cooling. Kiyoomi holds his hands there, not moving. The relief is amazing. Atsumu sighs.

After a minute Kiyoomi adds more and places his hands onto another spot. This is the first time he has let anybody touch his left arm like this. Taking those receives hurt so much. It hurt like how it hurt when he first woke up in the hospital. That pain had been because of Kiyoomi pressing with all his force to save his life.

Kiyoomi starts to move his hands and it doesn't hurt. The aloe that had already soaked in soothed the pain. Kiyoomi gently rubs, helping the aloe soak in. Kiyoomi nods to the other bottle, “Can you do more?”

“Yeah.”

Kiyoomi gets up to wash his hands, and returns. He picks up the bottle, and waits a moment before he takes any out, “This will have to go right onto the scar, is that okay?”

Atsumu nods and Kiyoomi continues to look at his face, finally Atsumu says “Yes”.

Kiyoomi puts some white cream onto his fingertips and places them onto the wrist end of the scar. Kiyoomi uses his thumbs to spread the cream, putting all of his attention right along the scar line. His eyes stay glued to Kiyoomi’s long slender fingers sliding along the ridge of new skin. He feels his nose get stuffy.

Kiyoomi hands are on him here again, going so slow and gentle. Like he is trying to push love directly into the hurt spot. He hates his arm. He hates it. Kiyoomi doesn't seem disgusted though. So at least he has that going for him.

…

Atsumu is able to start receiving during practice too. It still hurts. Kiyoomi takes care of his arm at home afterwards.

He starts wearing short sleeves to games, even though he still isn't a starter. He sometimes is swapped in to serve but he doesn't set. Yet.

No one mentions his scar but he thinks he feels people looking. He's sure pictures of this too will wind up online. Might as well embrace it. He waves with his left arm to the crowd, giving them his 1000 watt smile.

He's close. He's close to being good enough to start again. He wants to have that feeling. The feeling of crushing another team. The pride, and comradery, and satisfaction…he misses it. God he misses it. He's always been kind of big headed, he loves to win. He wants to win. He wants to feel…needed.

Hmm, that might be something to unpack later. Right now though, he is watching his team kick ass. More specifically, he is watching Kiyoomi’s ass. Are his shorts a size too small? Is it normal for everything to be on display like that? He's not going to complain.

Oh shit, the ball nearly hits down on their side but Bokuto saves it. It's set, and then Kiyoomi runs, his long legs complete the steps, he crouches, jutting out that fine specimen, and jumps. Atsumu feels like he could watch Kiyoomi fly forever. He spikes, and a shiver goes through Atsumu as his brain and body recalls how nasty that spike is. The other side doesn't pick it up. Atsumu smiles. That's it, Omi.

…

They kiss. They kiss all the time. Kiyoomi feels dizzy with it. They always talk before and after but that doesn't make the sensations during any less intense. He's had Atsumu's mouth all over him. Well, not ‘all’ over but nearly. And his mouth has explored Atsumu's body equally well. It's incredible. He finds out that Atsumu is quiet. Definitely quieter than himself. He has had the utter joy of using his mouth to make Atsumu turn into a gasping mess. He gets to make eye contact and ask, “Do you want to stop?” And hear Atsumu whine “Omi don't stop”.

They did take it slow-they did stop frequently-they did focus on Atsumu enjoying the shit out of himself. And all just from kisses, and licking, and in Atsumu’s case some gentle biting. Kiyoomi doesn't want to get ahead of himself, but sometimes after Atsumu releases him to take care of himself, he wonders what it would be like to actually touch Atsumu where it will feel the best.

Kiyoomi is sitting on his hands, per Atsumu's request, while the man sucks on his neck. The muscles in his arms jerk, wanting to hold, hold onto something. Atsumu is on his lap, legs spread over him, so his knees land on either side of Kiyoomi. It's hot.

Atsumu is licking up his neck, he's so sensitive each wet touch makes him moan. Atsumu pauses when his mouth is by his ear. Atsumu knows he loves his ears to be played with. But he doesn't, instead she whispers, “Before we continue I have an idea.”

Kiyoomi groans. He tries to look out of the corner of his eye at Atsumu but the man is too close to properly see.

“Do you want to hear it, Omi?”

“I do.”

“I think it's something we could both really enjoy.”

Holy, it is hard to think with Atsumu on his lap like this, talking directly into his ear.

Atsumu’s hands have come to settle around Kiyoomi’s waist, almost like he is being held in place.

“I want us both to touch ourselves, through our clothes. We can wear condoms to keep it mess free. I just really wanna see you come.”

Kiyoomi breath hitches, and he leans his head back, fuck, fuck, he wants to see Atsumu make himself come too. He wants to see that beautiful face overwhelmed with pleasure.

“Hah, hah,” his breathing is labored, “Atsumu, do you really want to?”

Those lips are back on the column of his neck, “Yes. Been thinking about it for a while.”

“That's, oh, oh god, that's, really diff-different, I think, hah, we should wait till, next session at-at-oh god, at least.”

He feels a smile against his collarbone “God I love listening to you fall apart. Sounds good Omi.”

Atsumu dives back in. And now Kiyoomi’s thoughts are racing, thinking about what the future will hold. He taps Atsumu, he's getting way too excited.

Atsumu pulls back and spends a moment just looking. Kiyoomi must be so pink and purple. Kiyoomi’s chest is rising and falling quickly, trying to reset his access to oxygen, get his brain functioning again.

Atsumu, honest to god, licks his lips.

Kiyoomi untraps his hands and brings them to rub at his face. He needs a break from the view in his lap. When he pulls his hands away Atsumu is still watching him, a sly smile on his face.

“You did that on purpose,” Kiyoomi accuses.

Atsumu feigns innocence, “Did what?”

“Said that in my ear to get me all worked up when I was already all worked up.”

Atsumu shrugs, “You're easy to work up.”

Kiyoomi laughs, bouncing the man on his lap a little.

“How was that kissing? And I think we can count that as a little dirty talk.”

“Was good. Stayed present. I felt a little nervous at the dirty talk but it was because I was telling you what I wanted, and that's always kind of…embarrassing.”

“You didn't seem embarrassed.”

“Well, I was embarrassed and incredibly turned on so…”

“How long have you been thinking about this?”

“Since your last game. Your tight little shorts gave me the idea.”

Kiyoomi’s face scrunches up as he laughs again. “I do not wear tight little shorts.”

Atsumu cracks a smile, “Tell that to your tight little shorts that show everything off!”

They are both laughing now, the sound of them together like pure joy. Once they both wind down and catch their breath Atsumu looks down. They are both hard in their pants.

“Suppose we should separate…I think we both know what we are going to think about though.”

Just minutes later Kiyoomi comes embarrassingly fast, thinking about Atsumu with all of his clothes still on.

…

“So we will start with kissing, and check in to see if we want to start…masterbating.” Kiyoomi cringes as he says it and Atsumu chuckles.

Kiyoomi clears his throat, “How much do you want to be touching…during, if we get there.”

Atsumu is lying sideways on the bed, head propped up on a hand. “I think it would be nice to be like, up against each other but keep our hands to ourselves.”

Kiyoomi is also laying down on his side. He sees that Atsumu is slightly blushed. “How are you feeling?”

“Excited. You?”

“Nervous, but also excited,” Kiyoomi admits.

“Nervous?”

“It's…it's been a long time since…I did something like this. I'm not nervous of you, just kind of nervous for…me.”

“We don't have to do anything Omi.”

“I want to. Just, please don't laugh at me.”

“What if you tell me a joke?”

Kiyoomi covers his face, “You think I'm going to tell a joke…during?”

Atsumu smiles, “Just saying, I can't make any guarantees. I'll do my best not to laugh. I have a feeling my brain isn't going to be trying to laugh.”

“Okay. Is there anything you need?”

“Nope!”

They look at each other for a moment, and Atsumu bites his lip.

…

Kiyoomi's hands are warm on his face, holding him gently as they kiss. Atsumu grips Kiyoomi’s sides, enjoying the feeling of the larger man up against him.

Kiyoomi’s tongue runs along his lips and Atsumu gasps and opens his mouth. His tongue slides against Kiyoomi’s and it makes him shiver. Atsumu’s fingers grip harder and he presses himself closer to Kiyoomi. Oh he wants to fully grind himself up against Kiyoomi. He doesn't, but he wants to.

Kiyoomi moans into his mouth and it makes Atsumu melt. He loves to hear Kiyoomi.
“Omi” he gasps against the other.

“You wanna?”

“Yes, yes, do you?”

“Yeah.”

Atsumu pulls back and lays his head down on the pillow. Kiyoomi does the same, they are right next to each other, shoulders touching. Atsumu lets his legs fall open, and his thighs brush against Kiyoomi’s.

Kiyoomi sucks in a gasp and places his hands on his own legs. Atsumu feels eager, “Still good?” he asks.

“Yes.”

Atsumu takes the plunge and grabs himself through his pants. He lets out a breath at the contact. He's already hard from the kissing and anticipation. He squeezes himself around the base. He glances up and sees that Kiyoomi is watching his hand. He presses his face into Kiyoomi’s shoulder, suddenly warm from feeling on display.

He hears Kiyoomi moan and he looks down to see that he is touching himself too. The sight goes right to his dick.

“Omi” he whispers, nuzzling into the shoulder. “Did you wanna use condoms?”

Kiyoomi groans, “Yeah, uhh, give me a sec.” He stands up and goes to the closet. He digs around for a moment and tosses a condom at Atsumu, “I'll go use the bathroom, I'll knock before I come back in.”

“Kay Omi”

Kiyoomi leaves and Atsumu struggles to open the package. Fuck. Omi is so hot. He finally gets it open and pulls himself out to put it on. He groans lowly as he rolls it on himself. He tucks himself back in and rubs through the fabric. His hips buck into the sensation. There is a knock, “all good!” he calls out, taking his hand off of himself.

Kiyoomi reenters and lays back down, placing himself right up against Atsumu. He's warm. He's so warm.

“Do you want to stop?”

“No, wanna hear you. Wanna see you.”

Kiyoomi swallows, “Okay”.

Atsumu uses a flat palm to run over the length of himself. He knows Kiyoomi’s not going to touch him. He knows if he taps Kiyoomi will stop. They have practiced it so many times.

He watches Kiyoomi’s hand move down.
That's it baby, Atsumu thinks to himself.
Atsumu presses his face back into Kiyoomi’s shoulder. It's a bit hard to get good contact through clothes but it still feels really good.

Kiyoomi’s body is shaking slightly, and then he bucks, and Atsumu's brain halts. Holy shit. He hadn't fully thought through the fact that he would be able to feel Omi moving up against him. Atsumu watches from his perch as Kiyoomi grabs around his hardness through the clothes, hips jumping to meet the touch. Atsumu can't decide whether he wants to imagine Kiyoomi fucking him, or Kiyoomi writhing as he gets fucked. Kiyoomi grunts and his hips makes a sharp jolt, oh yeah, he’s fucking me. But then his hips are rolling, almost pushing into the bed, and Atsumu’s brain switches to imagining he's in Omi, making him move like that.

“Hey”

Atsumu's hand stills, and he looks up.

“Are you okay? You're barely moving.”

Atsumu’s face flushes, “Sorry. Yeah, I'm good, I was…watching.”

“God Atsu” Kiyoomi groans out as he pushes against his hand.

Atsumu is already so close, his heart hammering madly in his chest, his cheeks feel hot, and his hand takes on a frantic pace.

Atsumu is gasping, hitched breaths against Kiyoomi, his own body starts to writhe, seeking stimulation.

“Atsu, Atsu, Atsu…” Kiyoomi is chanting his name. It is lighting Atsumu on fire. Kiyoomi turns his head and looks down, their faces are right in front of each other, lips almost touching.

Atsumu’s gaze jumps between both eyes, unsure of where to look in this intense eye contact. He is red hot, he is going to come. He glances down at Kiyoomi’s lips and presses them together. Is less of a kiss, and more of both of their open mouths gasping and moaning together.

He knows they agreed not to, but in this moment he wants Kiyoomi all over him, he wants so much.

“Omi, baby, Omi” his voice is so high pitched it should be embarrassing.

“Ah, ah, ah Atsu, I'm gonna…”

Atsumu hears the words, ‘Come for me’ in his head, and he does.

He feels Kiyoomi stiffen and give a deep, long groan beside him and then he lays back, boneless, chest heaving.

Atsumu’s head feels cloudy and not in a good way. He feels the tell-tale prick in his eyes. He is still up against Kiyoomi’s shoulder and neck. His own lungs are working hard. He hasn't moved, it doesn't feel like he can move.

“God, fuck, Atsumu…” Kiyoomi is still catching his breath, he looks over and jolts, “Babe you're crying.”

Atsumu feels that his eyelashes and face are wet. You're worrying Omi. Stop worrying Omi.

Kiyoomi sits up, his hands open and close as he glances between Atsumu and the door. “I…I'm going to be right back, I promise.” He leaves.

Atsumu hears water running. Honestly he just wants to be left alone. Alone with his shame. He can't even do this. He is crying harder when Kiyoomi comes back.

Kiyoomi has crouched down next to the bed, laying a hand on his arm, “Atsu what do you need?”.

I need to stop being me. I need to stop letting a fucking child rapist live in my head.

His body is still disconnected, like it was in the shower that first time that Omi helped him.

“Hun, breathe with me”

I'm dirty. There is a mess in my pants. I'm dirty.

“Go.”

Kiyoomi pulls his hand away, “Atsu…”

“Go.” He says again, more tears spilling over.

Kiyoomi’s voice breaks as he says “Okay. I love you. I'm just going to be in the other room.”

Atsumu hears Kiyoomi leave, closing the door behind him. He doesn't want me. He doesn't want to have to see this dirtiness in his bed.

He gets his body to move to the floor. He feels so gross in his pants, the condom is loose around his soft dick. He can't deal with that. He curls up on the floor and cries. He ruins everything. Everytime something goes well Atsumu ruins it. Every time. He cries, keeping quiet, until his body is so tired it won't cry anymore. He hears a knock on the door and then it opens. Kiyoomi is there. Atsumu shuts his eyes. I don't want to see. I don't want to see him.

Atsumu hears him come closer, and then it is quiet. Atsumu opens his eyes and Kiyoomi is laying on the ground a few feet away.

“I'm sorry” Kiyoomi whispers, his voice fragile like he also has been crying.

Why the hell is Kiyoomi apologizing?

Atsumu's voice is hoarse when he finally speaks, “You didn't do anything.”

Kiyoomi is quiet.

Atsumu doesn't feel great, but crying got some of the crazy out of his head. He feels now like he wants to get clean.

“Could you start the shower for me?”

Kiyoomi looks at him for a moment, and then nods. He gets up and goes to the bathroom. Atsumu reaches his hand into his pants. God it's a mess. He tries to extract the condom without making an even bigger mess. He ties it and puts it in his pocket. He goes into the bathroom and sees Kiyoomi sitting on the edge of the tub, hand testing the water temperature. In the harsh light of the bathroom he can see that Kiyoomi’s eyes are puffy and pink. Atsumu glances in the mirror and sees that his face looks the same.

He washes his hands in the sink, avoiding looking at his own face, “It really wasn't you.”

Kiyoomi takes a shaking breath but doesn't reply.

“I'm sorry I made you cry.”

Kiyoomi looks up briefly and then stands, “I'll let you shower.”

Kiyoomi starts to walk past him and Atsumu's hand reaches out to his arm before realizing. Kiyoomi stops, eyes weary.

“Can we talk? While I shower?”

Kiyoomi’s jaw clenches, but he nods. He sits on the closed toilet and looks down, giving Atsumu privacy to undress. He does so quickly and hops into the running water. The water feels good, he immediately feels cleaner. The sound of echoing water fills the space, “Omi?”.

“I'm here”

“It really wasn't you.”

“When did it stop…being okay?”

“It was right at the end, nothing you could have done.”

“What happened?”

“My brain reminded me of something- something he used to say to me.”

“Was it something I said?”

“No, you didn't say it.”

Kiyoomi is quiet for a beat and then says, “I don't want to say anything that he used to say to you.”

Atsumu chuckles as he rinses out his hair, “That would be a mighty long list.”

“Atsumu,” he says gently.

“I hear ya. I don't want you saying those things either.”

The steady fall of water on his back feels good, feels grounding, “He used to compliment me a lot, he called me his ‘pretty little thing’. And you heard in the letter he called me ‘starshine’. He was kind of controlling during…so some of those phrases are probably triggers too.”

“Do you want to tell me?”

“I do. But it feels hard to actually say them.”

“Would writing or texting them be easier?”

“Yeah.” He reaches his hand out of the curtain and Kiyoomi places his phone in it. Atsumu shakes off his hand and steps out of the water to type.

“Hi” he texts

“Hi Atsumu” Kiyoomi says aloud, a smile in his voice.

“This is hard too. But not as hard.” He texts,

“Take your time” Kiyoomi texts back.

“He used to say ‘Good boy’ a lot. And he would tell me to come for him. He would tell me not to move. He called me ‘doll’.”

Atsumu sends each sentence as its own message. He stops now, puts his phone on a dry ledge and leans forwards, against the cold shower wall, “That's all I can do now Omi” he says aloud.

Kiyoomi’s voice is strained when he replies “That's okay, thank you.”

Atsumu pokes his head out of the curtain and sees that Kiyoomi’s face is wet. Made him cry again. Always making him cry.

Atsumu goes back into the shower before Kiyoomi notices him peeking.

“Before I was triggered I really, really, really liked it.”

Kiyoomi sighs, “I really liked it too.”

Atsumu feels his face warm, “What did you like?”

“Being close to you, and feeling your mouth on my shoulder.”

“I liked feeling your hips moves. And your sounds of course.”

Kiyoomi groans from across the curtain, “Do I really make that much noise?”

“I'm not complaining.” Atsumu responds. He turns off the water and asks, “Is there a towel?”

“One second” then a towel is thrust into the shower. Atsumu takes it, working on his head first.

He continues to dry himself and quietly asks, “Omi?”

“Mhmm?”

“Why were you crying earlier?”

“Oh. It was kind of…scary to see you crying after. I thought that I had done something. I was so worried that I had hurt you.”

“You didn't even touch me Omi”

“Sex is complicated, there are lots of ways to get hurt.”

“Do you think that what we did counts as sex?”

“I do.” Kiyoomi says, a strange note in his voice, “Do you?”

“I…to be honest, I hadn't.”

Atsumu steps out, the towel around his waist. He uses a hand to hold the towel secure and brushes the other hand through his hair. Kiyoomi is still sitting on the toilet lid, his hands clasped in his lap. He glances at Atsumu and then away quickly.

Atsumu goes into the bedroom and changes into clean clothes. He steps out and see that's Kiyoomi is still in the bathroom. “Hey, do you want to sit with me?”

“Okay.” He and Atsumu make their way to a softly lit living room. Atsumu takes his corner spot and Kiyoomi the middle.

Kiyoomi seems…insecure. His posture is more condensed than usual, like he is trying to be smaller. Atsumu really hadn't thought that he had asked Omi to have sex with him. To him, sex is like…penetrative.

“What makes something sex?”

Kiyoomi gives him a look, like he is about to get defensive, and then he sees Atsumu’s expression and relaxes. “To me, it has to do with the end goal of orgasm. There is something about that…it's different.”

“Oh. I hadn't ever thought of it that way.”

Kiyoomi nods, hands fidgeting.

“I loved having sex with you.”

Atsumu watches Kiyoomi bloom shades of pink. His eyes widen, and the blush spreads from his nose to under the collar of his shirt, “I…um…I…me too.”.

Atsumu suppresses the urge to giggle. He told Omi he wouldn't laugh. Instead he asks, “Want to snuggle?”

Kiyoomi takes Atsumu’s head into his lap, brushes fingers through blonde hair, and turns on one of their shows. Atsumu falls asleep in this position, and wakes up in a dark room, the TV playing on mute, and Kiyoomi asleep with his head against the couch. Atsumu cinges. That's going to give him a crick in the neck for sure. Stupid Omi.

Chapter Text

Kiyoomi groans as Atsumu's fingers wrap around his neck. Falling asleep on the couch was indeed a terrible idea. Upon waking he did regret it. The pain radiates up into his scalp and down into his back. Atsumu's magic hands are helping.

Finger tips dig into the flesh right below the base of his skull. This is nearly a part of their routine now. They wake up, have a cup of coffee, either do yoga or a massage, and then a few minutes of meditation before their run. They do yoga on a low pain day and a massage on a high pain day.

Kiyoomi’s phone buzzes on the nightstand. That is usual, the only people who are set up to buzz are family and Atsumu. Atsumu leans over to look, “says it's your mom”.

Kiyoomi scrunches up his face. His mom hardly ever reaches out. Kiyoomi sighs, “let me flip, can you do the shoulders?”. Atsumu lifts his hips and Kiyoomi turns over. Atsumu sits back down and passes him the phone. Kiyoomi holds his phone to the side as Atsumu’s hands lay back on him.

He opens his phone. Fuck. He hadn't even realized that it was already November. He reads and rereads the message from his mom. He puts his phone down. “What is it?” Atsumu asks.

“My mom's not doing well.”

“What's wrong?”

Kiyoomi lets out a breath, “I got a lot of her genes, she has EDS too. EDS is actually comorbid with mood disorders like OCD more often than usual.”

“Is she having a flare up?”

“Yeah…kinda. This time of year is always especially hard for her.”

Kiyoomi looks up and sees Atsumu’s gentle face. Might as well show him this part too.

“My father was so good with my mom. My brother and sister got his genes, they never understood how hard it was to have a body and brain that worked against you. And even though my dad didn't understand…he tried. He…he reminds me of you, he was so loving and patient and kind. He was the pillar.”

Atsumu's hands are still.

“He was in an accident. His car went off the road. My siblings were in college. It was just me and my mom. She didn't do well. That's when she stopped leaving the house.”

“I always wondered…if it wasn't an accident. I think my mom wondered too. Wondered if she…if we were too much for him to take care of.”

Kiyoomi shakes his head, trying to clear it, “Anyway, the anniversary of his passing is coming up.”

Kiyoomi lays his hands onto Atsumu's legs, trying to ground himself with the feeling of the other man’s presence.

“The EDS and OCD can kind of get into a feedback loop. It fucking sucks. It makes doing anything impossible.”

Kiyoomi closes his eyes, “I usually go and help her.”

“What about your siblings?”

“What do you mean?”

“Do they help too?”

“No…they don't understand, they usually accidentally make it worse.”

“Oh.” Atsumu's voice is quiet.

“I'm going to have to go for a little while.”

Atsumu blinks, and nods slightly, “Who is going to take care of you Omi?”

Kiyoomi doesn't have an answer. It's always just been him who takes care of him. His gives a soft smile and Atsumu’s frown deepens. “I can come and--”

“I'm sorry. You can't. It's…it's not you, it's what she needs.”

Atsumu is frowning so much he is nearly glaring. Kiyoomi reaches his hand up to cup Ateumu’s face. He misses his dad. He misses him so much. He misses not having to do it all for himself and his mom. He misses being taken care of. He is starting to let Atsumu take care of him. But it's hard to undo all the barriers he built to keep others out, to keep himself strong. It's hard. Someday soon he might really need to rely on Atsumu.

…

Atsumu hasn't truly been alone since…since before the hospital. It's weird. It feels wrong, the loneliness is raw. His loved ones are aware and make efforts to not leave him totally alone. Shoyo does a sleepover night where they get totally wasted and watch trashy TV. Osamu comes down to visit a few times and makes sure he is eating real meals. He even gets a few check in texts from the reserved Meian.

It's not like Omi fell off the face of the earth-well it kind of is. Kiyoomi never had Atsumu’s addiction to his phone. In fact Kiyoomi often forgets to bring it with him when he goes out and almost always leaves it in random places around the apartment-only to realize the next day that it's dead.

They chat at least every day over text. But it's usually only that once a day. If Atsumu doesn't happen to be on his phone at that magical moment, he misses talking with Kiyoomi completely and has to wait until tomorrow. It fucking sucks. Atsumu can acutely feel all the places that Kiyoomi is missing from. Their morning routine, their commute together, negotiating dinner, snuggling in the evening…all now alone.

He used to live like this, like a bachelor. He really hadn't known how lonely he was back then. He had nothing healthy to compare it to. Now he does. The contrast fucking hurts.

Despite the ever sinking dagger of being alone, life goes on. Practice continues. Coach Foster says he is going to start on their next game but might be pulled out midway to save his stamina in case they need some service aces at the end.

Finally. God yes. Finally.

The day of their away game comes, they all board the bus. Kiyoomi is going to drive out for the game and then go back to his Mom’s after. Atsumu takes his spot on the bus, the empty seat next to him taunting, and listens to his music. The game is near his own hometown, so Ma and Osamu are going to watch. He wants to make them proud.

The bus ride is quiet and uneventful. The music helps. He loves watching the scenery flash by. Each mile is someone’s precious home. After about an hour the bus takes his hometown exit. They are only about 20 minutes away from Miya Onigiri. The bus pulls up to a red light at the end of the exit. Someone is standing there with a piece of cardboard, on it is written, “3 kids - no job - need help - God bless.”

It's not super common to see homeless people in Japan, so the sight startles him for a moment. After looking a second longer he is startled even more. It's fucking Nori. Wait, is it? Atsumu leans forwards to try and minimize the window reflection. Yeah. That's totally fucking him. Also he does not have 3 kids, he has two…he looks bad. Atsumu has never seen him like this. Before his brain can even begin to process the sight the bus pulls forwards. Atsumu tries to turn to keep looking but they are quickly out of sight. His heart is absolutely thundering in his chest. That was…did that really just fucking happen?

He whips out his phone to text Osamu

“Um dude, how long has Coach been in town begging for money?”

“Shit. A few months.”

“You just decided to be silent about this information?”

“Me and Ma decided ignorance was bliss. Plus if he's begging for money here chances are he's not goin' after you.”

“It was…so weird. He looks so weird.”

“Yeah it fucking startled me the first time. Ma and I are coming a little early to the game. Wanna see you before you get all serious.”

“Okay, see you soon Samu”

Atsumu puts his phone in his lap. The scenery here is familiar, things he has seen all his life. He gets up and goes to sit with Shoyo.

…

Osamu is in the locker room hanging out and joking around with the guys when Kiyoomi walks in. Atsumu feels his body get tense, unsure of how to be, act, exist around Omi like this.

Kiyoomi simply walks up behind him, wraps his arms around his middle, lays his chin on Atsumu's shoulder and says “I miss you so much.”

Atsumu's body breathes out a heavy sigh of relief, “I missed you so much too”. It's not weird. Well it's a little weird, but nothing has changed. Atsumu turns in his arms and sees that Kiyoomi looks so tired. His eyes have bags and it seems like it takes effort to keep his eyes open. “Hey, are you taking care of yourself?”

Kiyoomi nods. Liar, Atsumu thinks.

“Don't think I'm going to play today. Sorry Atsu.”

Atsumu brushes a finger along his cheek. Kiyoomi didn't shave. That alone is cause for concern and panic.

Atsumu tries not to let his brain get away from him, not right before a game, “You'll have to watch me and give me corrections then.”

Kiyoomi nods and ends the hug. He greets Osamu and the teammates and starts to change. A quick 30 second hug might be all he gets for the foreseeable future. He really misses Omi. He wants to know how he is doing, how he is really doing. What does he do everyday? How does he help his mom? How does he help himself?

…

Atsumu starts the game with a service ace. His team doesn't yell, but he can feel the positive energy thrumming through them all. He's back. He's back and he's going to show off. He serves again and it is just barely picked up by the other side’s libero. The recieve is low and puts their setter in a tight spot. The block formation is solid. Atsumu puts himself where the ball should go if it avoids the block. He takes it. The first spike received in a game. It hurts. But it's a fucking good hurt. He's here. He made it back. Shoyo jumps to set it and Bokuto takes the kill. Their team erupts. It's only the second point but it feels like a whole set. Atsumu looks back and sees Kiyoomi fucking beaming, which is a rare sight.

He takes the ball and returns to the serve line. Gonna make you proud Omi.

…

Atsumu is pulled out after they take the first set. That's okay. His stamina isn't quite what it needs to be to play a full game anyways. He's in the box with Kiyoomi at his side.

“Ten,” Kiyoomi says.

“Eh?”

“Ten of the points were yours. 5 service aces, 2 dumps, and you somehow got 3 spikes in too. Plus all your sets.”

“Are we competing now? Because when we are both in a game you're going to destroy my stats.”

“No, not officially competing anyways.”

Atsumu glances over at the man, his man, “I'm fucking glad you're not on the other side Omi.”

That gets him to laugh, “I'd have to agree. Don't ever want your face across the net again.”

Atsumu moves his wrist to brush their hands together. Kiyoomi catches a finger in his, their eyes still trained on the game.

“You look like shit,” Atsumu says under his breath.

“Oh thanks.” Kiyoomi is joking. Atsumu is not.

“Omi.”

“I'm really okay.”

“So are ya just lying to me or to yourself too?”

Kiyoomi glances to the floor, away from Atsumu. “Not here, please.”

Atsumu looks at him, at the dark skin under his eyes. Fine. Atsumu pushes all the things he wants to say down. Deep down.

He squeezes the finger against his three times. I'll stop.

…

Atsumu helps them finish off the second set by coming in to serve. After highschool he worked on eliminating the differences between his jump and float serve, making it nearly impossible for the other side to tell the difference and know what was about to hit them.

He gets a few in by alternating the type of serve. He relies mostly on jump floaters which he hadn't yet used this game. After 3 their libero picks it up. Shoyo gives him a quick look. Atsumu smirks. Meian receives, putting the ball up high. Perfect. Atsumu glances at Bokuto who looks raring to go. Atsumu pivots his body to set to the wing spiker, luring the defense in. He flicks his wrists on the set sending the ball to the back line, right to Shoyo who nails it. They still try to block but it goes flying. He high fives Shoyo and takes his place to serve. It's game point. The whistle blows, he glances at Kiyoomi who gives him a single nod, eyes watching intensely. He takes a breath, float or jump?

Jump. He wants to take the win by force, not by the unpredictability of the ball. He holds the ball out in front of him, he looks at the net, in his peripheral he can see his scar. I'm alive. I'm here. I'm going to kick ass. The other side attempts to receive it but the power gets away from them and it flies out of bounds.

Dozens of hands hit him and he feels Shoyo jump onto his back. He turns, the monkey man still on his back, and there is Kiyoomi. He feels so full and happy and hopeful. He grabs Kiyoomi and kisses him. He hears Shoyo squeal in his ear and the team erupts in cheers all over again. Atsumu releases him and looks up, Kiyoomi looks starstruck. Meian starts hounding Shoyo to get down and yells for everyone to get into line.

…

Kiyoomi showers despite not having played and changes back into street clothes. He kissed me. He kisses me in front of everyone. Kiyoomi touches his lips for a moment. I liked it.

It was an amazing change of pace to have a game. He was definitely getting stuck in a rut with his mom. And now it's time to go back. He exits the locker room and scans the pockets of people. He finds that blonde hair with Osamu and an older woman, probably, that would be Ma. Kiyoomi puts his mask on and walks over. Atsumu lights up when he sees him and grabs his arm to pull him close. “Ma, this is Sakusa Kiyoomi!”

She reaches out a hand to shake. Shit. Atsumu steps forwards and puts a water bottle in her hand, “Can you hold this a sec? Thanks.” He kneels to retie his shoe. Kiyoomi glances at Osamu who is watching his brother.

Kiyoomi bows slightly and says, “So nice to meet you.”

“And you!” She has Atsumu’s brilliant smile. The one that can light up a room.

“Atsumu has seemed so happy to have you in his life. He used to talk about you all the time back in--”

“Ma!”

“Oh but it's true-”

“Maaaa,” he whines.

Kiyoomi interrupts, “I am equally happy to have him in my life.”

Atsumu looks up at him, a faint blush on his cheeks. Kiyoomi looks down at his wrist, his watch confirming his suspicion. It's time to go. “Atsumu could I speak with you a moment before I leave?”

They pull off into an empty hallway. Kiyoomi reminisces of their meeting like this when he was in college.

“Omi.”

“I know, I know, it's hard this time, my own stuff is getting activated.”

“How…what can we do?”

“I'm not sure.”

Kiyoomi checks his watch again. He's already been out for so many hours. Atsumu’s hand comes to hold his wrist.

“Please let me help.”

Kiyoomi's looks at Atsumu. He looks scared. He needs to let him in, at least a little.

“Could you keep the apartment really clean? And could you ask the maintenance man to turn down the hot water? He's done it for me before.”

“Of course Omi.”

“I think those things will help me when I come back.”

“When will you be back?” Atsumu asks quietly, still holding his wrist, preventing him from seeing the watch.

“I can't say for sure. It usually tapers off at the end of November.”

Atsumu nods and releases him. “Drive safe Omi.”

Kiyoomi swallows the lump in his throat. He doesn't want to go. He wants to go back with Atsumu. “I love you. I'll see you soon.”

“I love you too.” The way he says it breaks something in Kiyoomi’s heart. Why can't he be there for both of them? Why does it have to be one or the other? He pulls down his mask, pecks Ataumu’s cheek and leaves. He fights tears as he exits the building.

Chapter Text

The team gets back with plenty of night to spare. They bring Atsumu out to a new club that Bokuto is ‘just dying to see’. Atsumu goes, mostly because he doesn't want to be alone. He drinks. He drinks more than he would if Kiyoomi was there.

He winds up having a lot of fun. He dances with Shoyo, letting himself just be totally ridiculous. He spins Shoyo around and delights in how Shoyo laughs. They dance until they both are wiped. They land in the booth that the team has taken over. Their sheer amount of sweat earns a few chuckles. Drinks are pushed forwards and Atsumu drinks. Meian pushes water forwards too, “You're going to shrivel up at this rate.”

Atsumu smiles and takes a sip of water. The club is pretty cool. It has an interesting theme of colored lights. One whole wall features a row of multicolored lava lamps. Another wall has blinking neon signs which kind of hurt Atsumu's eyes. He finds himself watching the lava lamps bubble and fall. His head is starting to really feel the booze. The team is all chatting together but it just sounds like buzzing noise. He watches a red blob separate from the main plasma body and drift upwards. It slides up and bumps against another lump. Will it combine? Nope, they don't combine and just stay next to each other.

“Atsumu move.”

“Huh?”

Meian is giving him an unimpressed look, “Gotta piss.”

“Oh. Me too.”

Atsumu stumbles out of the booth, holding onto the table. He watches Meian swiftly stand and walk to the back of the club. Wow. Atsumu makes his way in that direction, way, way slower. The blinking lights are really starting to be annoying. He tries to shield his eyes and accidentally bumps into the wall. Oof. Maybe he's a little too drunk. He leans against the wall and pulls out his phone. He has a text from Omi. He pulls it closer to read when hands box him in on either side.

His head spins as it snaps up to see a man's face way too fucking close. Dark eyes bore into his. “You're even prettier up close.” The man is big. Bigger than Omi. Atsumu has to look up slightly. He is up against the wall in this dim club, the lights keep flashing.

“Why are you acting so shy? You stared at me all night” a big hand lowers to grip his waist.

Atsumu pushes. The man barely moves. Atsumu is strong. He is really fucking strong. Why isn't the man moving? He tries to push again and is instead pushed against the wall.

“What a fucking tease.” a knee is shoved in-between his legs. “Oh, do you get off on pretending you don't want it? I can work with that.”

Atsumu kicks his legs out, he lands a blow somewhere. The man stumbles back and Atsumu collapses forwards too. He gets himself back up just in time for an arm to press against his neck. “Fucking whore” the man spits and presses Atsumu up against the wall by his neck. Atsumu’s hands scramble at the arm. His brain is so fucked up. He isn't thinking at all. He's only acting.

The arm is gone, Atsumu slips down the wall a little. He gasps, hands coming to feel his throat. The man is crouched on the floor holding his jaw. Atsumu looks up to see Meian, hand still in a fist.

The man stands, still holding his jaw, he is now only looking at Meian, “You should keep your bitch on a leash.”

The lights won't fucking stop flashing. He closes his eyes. Stop flashing. Hands touch his throat and he jumps. He tries to get away but ends up falling over. He opens his eyes. Everything is moving so much. Every flash feels surreal, like he is leaving and reentering reality every few seconds.

Everything is weird. Nothing is real. Cold air hits his face and he feels himself ground a little. He is stumbling forwards down a sidewalk. He stops. The people helping him walk, Meian and Bokuto by their voices, stop too. He throws up. His throat hurts. His pants are…wet.

“Just a little further, one more block.” That's Shoyo.

A door is opened and the lights are so very bright. The light feels like it is splitting his head open. Hands are still on him but he's pretty sure they are safe hands. He's put into a bathroom. Still the lights are too fucking bright. He covers his face with his hands. He can't handle the fucking light.

“I turned them off”

Atsumu uncovers an eye and sees Shoyo and a bathroom. A nightlight gently illuminates the small room. Shoyo is there. It's only Shoyo.

“Let's get you clean.”

Atsumu’s head is still so fucking wasted. He looks down. Oh yeah, his pants are wet. Why are they wet?

“Can you take them off?”

Can I? He starts to unbutton his pants. The fabric is cold. The button is hard to do, but he gets it and starts to try and push the pants down. They won't come off. Oh, he's still sitting. This is stupid. It's stupid that this is so hard. He feels like he is going to cry because he can't get his stupid pants off.

“Can I help?”

Atsumu nods

Shoyo takes his hand and helps him stand. Atsumu puts a hand on the wall and Shoyo pulls his pants down. Atsumu sits again and Shoyo pulls each pant leg off.

The nightlight is kind of cool. It's a little under the water scene but things in it actually move. It must be filled with real water. Or maybe it's one of those tricks of the light things?

“Arms up” Atsumu complies and his shirt comes over his head.

“Up” Atsumu is brought up to stand again

“Get in the tub?”

Atsumu holds onto Shoyo's hand and steps into the tub. He sits. The tub is cold. Shoyo turns the water on. The water is shockingly cold at first but warms quickly. The cold brings his brain back to semisane for a second and he looks up at Shoyo. Something happened.

“Do you want to keep your underwear on?”

Atsumu leans back against the curved tub edge.

“Ok.” Shoyo says. The water is loud as it fills the tub. Atsumu watches the nightlight. It's still moving. How does it move?

“How?” He asks.

“What?”

“How does it move?”

Shoyo glances over his shoulder to see where Atsumu is looking, “Oh Tobio got that for me, it is filled with water. I'm not sure how it moves.”

“Oh.”

“Is the water okay?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want to be alone?”

“No.”

“Okay.”

Atsumu lets himself feel the water, feel his body become buoyant. He closes his eyes. He's like that lava lamp. He's floating up. Will he combine with another blob? Will he fall back down?

The roar of the water stops with the squeak of a handle. The lava lamp. It was the lava lamp. He had been staring at the lava lamp on the wall. There had been a person below the lava lamp. A tall man person.

His lids fly open and he makes eye contact with Shoyo who is kneeling on the bathroom floor. Oh. That guy. He had…Meian had…oh.

“Tell me no one told Omi yet.”

“Atsumu…”

“He already has so much. Just wait. Please wait.”

“Okay. I'll go talk to the guys and see. I'll be back.”

Shoyo gets up and walks out, closing the door behind him.

The last time he was attacked and wound up in a tub….this time is a lot better. The room is still spinning. Atsumu pulls his head under the water. He squints his eyes, the world above the water is dark. He holds his breath as long as he can, until his lungs burn and he's about to inhale water. He raises his head and breaks the surface, taking a gulp of air. He catches his breath, gripping the sides of the tub. Fuck. How does a creep just totally zero in on him like that? Why him? What about ‘him’ screams come hurt me?

Shoyo knocks and comes back in,

“Hey, no one said anything to him yet.”

“Good.”

“You sobering up?”

“A bit. Did Meian really punch him?”

“Meian punched him? He conveniently left that out of the story.”

“Fuck” Atsumu groans. “I was really drunk”.

Shoyo nods.

Atsumu tips his head back against the cold tile. He reaches a hand up to his throat. It's a little tender, but not the worst he's had. Then he thinks about how he got here in the tub, “Did I…my pants were…”

Shoyo hesitates, “Y-yes. You were really drunk and scared.”

“Ah. Okay. Great.”

“Nobody cared.”

“Sure.”

Atsumu thinks about trying to drown. He fucking drunk pissed himself in front of the team.

Shoyo breaks him out of his thoughts, “Sometimes I wonder why there are so many fucking…sick people in the world.”

Atsumu reaches a wet hand out of the tub. Shoyo takes it. He's warm. They stay like that for a while, just being with each other, both understanding something that can't be said.

“I think I'm sober enough to shower.”

“Do you want me to stay?”

“Yes. If that's okay.”

“Not a problem. Should I send everyone home?”

“Yeah. They have had a long day.”

Shoyo is quiet for a moment and then turns to leave the room.

Atsumu pulls the curtain and opens the drain. He turns the shower on. It's cold at first and then warms. He sits in the pool of water, listening to the shower land on the surface of the water. Why does this happen? Why is this not even the first time this has happened recently? Atsumu wonders what Omi had texted him all those hours ago.

Chapter Text

“Are you sure Tobio would be okay with this?”

“Yeah, for sure, he gets it.”

Shoyo is holding Atsumu in the dark bedroom. Atsumu knew there was no way he was going to be able to actually fall asleep alone. Shoyo is really warm, like a little bonfire. It's not like when Omi holds him, but it's still nice and comforting.

Atsumu closes his eyes. He just wants to be unconscious. He thinks about Omi’s text. “Have fun tonight, I heard there were plans to go out.”

He really had been having fun. He remembers Shoyo’s face, eyes closed, and smile wide, as they danced. Atsumu wonders why he had to fuck it up. Why can't he stop fucking up?

He does fall asleep. He also startles awake several times, hand instinctively reaching for his throat. Shoyo talks him through it each time and gets him back to sleep.

Despite Shoyo’s attempts to convince him to stay, Atsumu leaves after breakfast. He has already taken so much care from Shoyo. The air is brisk and feels good entering his lungs. He promised Shoyo he would text Omi about what happened. He looks at Kiyoomi’s last text while he waits for the bus.

He rereads, “Have fun tonight, I heard there were plans to go out.”

“Did have fun, danced a lot! I may have gotten into a tiny fight but Meian broke it up before anyone got hurt.”

He sends it and closes his phone. God only knows when he will get a response. It's a lie. Well, it's a half lie. He just…he can't right now. He will tell Omi, he will. Just not right now.

The bus comes. He goes home. It's empty, every sound seems to echo. God, even the apartment is being dramatic.

…

They never practice the day after a game. Atsumu goes to the gym anyways, despite the slight hangover, he wants to work out.

The gym is quiet, no one sane would be here anyways. He walks into the machine room and there is Meian stretching. Atsumu turns on his heel to leave when Meian just says, “No.”

Atsumu freezes in the doorway, back to the other man. “Miya we should talk.”

Fuck. Shit. Hell. Atsumu turns back around. Meian doesn't look mad…He has been dreading having to get the ‘You drank too much and got yourself into a bad situation and I had to use my fist to save you’ talk.

He walks over and kneels on the mat a few feet from Meian. His head is already lowered, ready to receive the reprimand.

“It wasn't your fault. No one has the right to touch you without you wanting it.”

Atsumu’s head springs up.

“You are thinking it was your fault right? You got too drunk? Provoked that guy?”

Atsumu’s mouth hands open.

“You did get too drunk, but that is still never a reason for someone to touch you.”

His mouth closes and he looks down at the mat. God Meian is just as blunt as ever. Someone else would dance around the words, make them prettier, but Meian, ever the effective communicator, just says it straight.

“I had been thinking that, yeah.”

“Had you asked him to choke you against the wall?”

“Hell no.”

“Then it's not your fault.”

Oh. Can it really be that simple?

“It's his fault for being a bastard and I hope his jaw hurts like hell today.”

“How's your hand by the way?”

Meian flexes it between them, “It's good. Not the first bastard I've had to punch.”

Who the fuck has Meian been punching?

Meian laughs at Atsumu’s expression.

“My little sister used to get a lot of unwanted attention. There were some boys that had to be shown when they wouldn't listen to being told.”

He's not sure why but he likes being compared to Meian’s sister.

“Is she hot like me?” Atsumu tries to joke.

“Meian levels him with his classic deadpan stare, “Are you asking me if I think my sister is hot?”

Atsumu shrugs, “I know my sibling is hot.”

There is a beat of silence and then Meian is laughing. Like really laughing. Atsumu tries to suppress his smile. It's rare to see Meian really let loose and belly laugh.

“God damn it Atsumu” Meian is still chuckling.

Meian takes a steading breath, ending the laughter completely. “Do you at least agree with me?”

“That it's not my fault? I think so, or at least I understand that it's true, even if I don't fully believe it yet.”

“I'll take it. You came here to work out I assume? Do you want to practice or use the machines?”

“If you promise not to do any more ‘Captain Heart to Hearts’ we can practice.”

“Deal.”

…

They have a good practice together. Atsumu hardly ever works with just Meian. Atsumu tries to get him to set, claiming “A captain should be able to do it all”.

They make some progress before Atsumu’s belly starts to rumble. They call it and Atsumu is drying his head post shower when he sees the text from Omi, “Call me.”

Uh oh. He looks around the lockers, Meian seems to have left already. He sits on a bench and calls.

It only rings once before Kiyoomi picks up. “Atsumu, what kind of fight are we talking?”

“Hi Omi, how are you today? Oh me? I'm good…”

“Atsumu…”

“Just some stupid guy, thought I was coming onto him, tried to make a move.”

“What made it a ‘fight’?”

“Well I pushed him away from me when he wasn't getting the message. And that made him mad. He pushes me back and that's when…Meian punched him.”

“What? Meian punched someone?”

“Yup.”

“Wh--why did he punch him? Was he drunk?”

“You know Meian, he doesn't drink.”

“Atsumu, why did he punch him?”

“Maybe the fight was escalating a little.”

Kiyoomi remains silent.

“He had me pushed up against a wall.”

Silence still.

“By my neck.”

He hears a breath of air, “Fuck Atsumu.”

“Im sorry! Im sorry! I really wasn't trying to start anything.”

“Atsumu I'm not upset with you, I'm just upset.”

“I'm sorry.”

There is another breath. Maybe a sigh.

“I'm really okay. The whole team was there.” He is conveniently leaving out several things. How drunk he was and his accident.

“I'm sorry I wasn't there.”

“Omi you can't be everywhere.”

“Yeah.”

“How is it going over there?”

“It's okay. Might be coming back in about a week.”

Atsumu feels dread in his stomach. Fuck, he wants Omi back, he wants it to be like it was, why is he nervous? “Good Omi. Excited to have you back.”

“Me too. I always kind of feel like I'm back in highschool when I'm here.”

“Is there anything else I can do?”

“Just…please be patient with me. It's going to be worse than you've seen yet.”

“Omi. I love you. You're not going to scare me away.”

“Just…okay. I trust you.”

“I'll see you soon Omi?”

“Yes. Soon. Bye Atsu.”

The line goes silent. Atsumu keeps holding the phone to his ear for a moment and then lowers it. “You lied” comes a voice from deeper in the locker room. Fuck.

“Ya creeper. Thought with your morals you wouldn't eavesdrop.”

Meian rounds the corner, leaning against the lockers, “What are you worried about?”

He blows air through his cheeks. He looks up at Meian. What is he so worried about?

“Kiyoomi already is dealing with a lot, no need to add this on top.”

Meian sucks on his teeth, “Don't you think that he deserves the truth? He cares about you.”

Atsumu knows. He knows that Kiyoomi deserves the truth. His stomach hurts.

“Is there another reason?” Meian asks gently.

Atsumu bites his lip. He knows. In his gut he knows the real reason. There is only one Omi. He needs to be with his mom. He will pick being with his mom. Atsumu knows how important family is. But…there is a part of him that wants to be picked. That wants to be just as important too. And if Kiyoomi knows the truth, it will become clear that Atsumu isn't the priority. If he doesn't know the whole story…he can't feel rejected when Omi picks him mom.

Atsumu rubs his forehead for a moment, feeling Meian’s eyes on him. “I don't want to feel rejected when he picks his family emergency over me.”

“Ah.” Meian says.

It's childish. Atsumu knows it's childish and selfish and wrong. Meian sits down on the bench. “Is this your first one? Your first real relationship?”

“Yeah.”

Meian braces his elbows on his knees, holding his chin in his hands. “For me, this is when it all starts to go wrong. When I start making decisions for my significant other.”

Meian doesn't ever really share about his personal life. He obviously cares for the team and considers them friends, but he keeps his own life separate from volleyball.

“I'm…protective, sometimes to a fault. In the past I've done things without making sure my person wanted it to go that way. It ends up pushing us even further apart.”

Atsumu thinks about how Meian had decked that guy without a second thought. Checks out.

Atsumu lowers his head and puts his hands on the back of his neck. God. He's right.

“Okay. Leave already so I can call him back.”

“Good luck Atsumu. Even if he does stay, his love for you is real.”

Meian stands and slings his bag over his shoulder. Atsumu hears the sound of the door opening and closing.

He opens his phone and goes to his recent calls. He clicks Sakusa Kiyoomi.

“Hey?”

“Hey.”

“Um, is everything okay?”

“I didn't tell you the whole truth.”

“Okay?”

“Firstly, I saw Nori begging for money on the exit in my hometown, that was weird but I don't think I've fully processed it yet. And the fight at the club was a little worse than I made it sound. Wait- sorry, is this a good time? I can call back later.”

“No, no it's good Atsu, it's all good, what happened?”

“Well I was really drunk, like pretty much plastered so it wasn't much of a fight…But I guess the guy thought I was looking at him all night, but really I was looking at a lava lamp.”

“Okay…”

“And I was on my way to the bathroom and he came up to me. He said some stuff..and I tried to push him away but I was really wasted. So I tried to kick him instead and that got me somewhere. But by the time I recovered he was pretty fucking mad. That's when he pushes me up against the wall. I guess…Omi I was heading to the bathroom, and I had drank so much…I didn't even know it was happening…

“Atsumu I'm not following.”

“God Omi please don't make me say it.” the pain he is feeling carries through his voice.

“It's okay Atsu, it's okay, I think I get it.”

“Okay.” Says Atsumu. This is the worst. Meian is the worst. “The team took care of me. I didn't even really know what was going on till I sobered up in the bathtub.”

Kiyoomi is quiet for a moment and Atsumu rushes to say “Shoyo’s tub, he was helping me get clean.”

“Ah. Gotcha. How are you today?”

“Okay, I practiced with Meian, the only other one crazy enough to show up to the gym after a game.”

The line is quiet. “What are you thinking?” Atsumu asks.

“I'm…I'm thinking about how I wasn't there again.”

Atsumu rolls his eyes, “Omi nothing even happened, just got spooked, and you're doing something important.”

“Atsumu…”

“I know love. I'm really okay. The team has me. I'm okay.”

Atsumu can nearly see the constipated face Omi is probably making.

“I'm really okay.” He says again, quieter.

“Thank you for telling me.”

“Yeah. Meian convinced me to not lie by omission”

“I love you.”

“I love you too Omi, I'm going to let you go now.”

“Okay.”

“Bye.”

The line dies. Well that was terrible. The locker room is dead quiet. Atsumu is alone.
He looks back down at his phone and calls Samu.

…

Each day gets worse. Each day he loses more time to the beast. He watches his mother recover as he himself descends. He spends hours cleaning the house. He spends so much time cleaning himself too. He likes controlling how clean the house is. He needs the control. The world outside he can't control. He still goes out, but each time is hard. Going to the game was hard. He almost felt…relieved when it was time to go back. He knew that everything at the house was clean. His room is clean. His perfect, empty room, that nearly brought Atsumu to tears.

It's getting hard to eat. There are just so many variables. So many ways the food could be contaminated. He misses his dad. He misses his old mom. He feels alone. Alone with his beast.

He misses Atsumu. So very much. But, a part of him is also terrified to go back. Terrified of living with someone who doesn't…get it. Terrified of having his lack of self control on display. Terrified of himself, of who he is right now. It doesn't feel like him. Who is he about to bring home to Atsumu?

Chapter Text

Atsumu does a lot of research and keeps the apartment pretty clean. He wants Omi to be able to…be okay. From reading lots of people’s stories it starts to become clear what needs to happen. And it's going to suck. He is going to have to set boundaries with the OCD’s demands. Even though, in the moment, he's going to want to help Kiyoomi because he will be distressed. But giving in to the compulsion will only give the beast strength for the next one. It's going to fucking suck.

It's also hard that there are so many unknowns. Will Kiyoomi want to touch Atsumu? Will he want to sleep in the same bed? Will he even want Atsumu to live there? What if…what if Kiyoomi’s brain convinces him that Atsumu is dirty? It has so many reasons to think that.

Atsumu is writing in his notebook on the bed. This is a coping skill he has been using since the hospital. It helps to get all the swirling feelings out into words. He hears the front door open. His hand jolts and his pen goes sideways an inch.

“Atsumu?”

His heart sounds in his ears and his stomach feels kind of ill. “In here,” he calls out. He puts his notebook in the side table drawer. He hears Kiyoomi walk further into the apartment, he stalls outside the door and then uses his shoulder to push the nearly closed door open.

It's still his Omi. His poor tired Omi.

“May I?”

“Of course, it's your apartment.”

“Our apartment.”

Kiyoomi walks in and places his bag next to the dresser. He glances into the mirror and then away, breathing in a deep lung full of air. “It's nice to be back.”

Atsumu watches his face and sees the truth there, “You don't have to lie.”

Kiyoomi looks at him, concern on his face, “It's not a lie. I have been wanting to come home.”

Atsumu bites his lip and continues to look at Kiyoomi. Omi’s resolve falters, “I really did, but it's also hard.”

“I get it.”

Kiyoomi cringes, “You do?”

“It was hard, after the hospital, it's hard to find ‘normal’ again.

Kiyoomi nods.

“We should talk. About me being here” Atsumu starts, “Where do you want to talk?”

Kiyoomi looks pained at the words, “Can we use the ball?”

“Sure.” Atsumu gets up and leaves the room to fetch a volleyball, and also to give Kiyoomi a moment alone. He sits with the ball in his lap in the living room. Atsumu already texted Samu ahead of time, just letting him know that he might need to crash there.

Kiyoomi comes in and takes his position. Atsumu gets a better look at him. God he looks so worn down. Like life has wrung him out. “Is that our outside ball?” Atsumu looks at it, he didn't know they had an outside only ball, “Not sure.”

“Can you wipe it down?”

Atsumu closes his eyes. Fuck. He knows he needs to start now. Start setting boundaries. He was hoping to at least talk about it first. “I can't Omi. You are welcome to wipe it if you want to.”

Kiyoomi gives him a surprised look. Usually Atsumu just does it. “Oh. Okay.”

Kiyoomi pulls a wet wipe out of his pocket and reaches out for the ball. Atsumu passes it and Kiyoomi uses the wipe to stop its momentum. He carefully cleans the ball, throws away the wipe, and washes his hands. He returns and takes his place across from Atsumu.

Usually Kiyoomi leads these conversations, this time it's Atsumu, “Can I start?”

Kiyoomi nods and passes the ball.

“I don't want to assume you want me here…and I don't want to stand in the way of you getting better.”

“I want you to stay. Please stay…if you want to stay.”

“Okay, I want to stay too, but I'm going to tell you something and it's okay if you change your mind about me being here.”

Kiyoomi’s posture goes rigid, he's probably wondering what bomb I'm about to drop.

“If I stay I'm not going to listen to you-well listen to your OCD. I'm going to stand my ground. No matter how upset you are. I think it is going to be terrible in the moment but it really is because I love you so much.”

Kiyoomi’s face is priceless, one of those rare moments he is actually surprised and doesn't hide it. Atsumu feels his gut twist at the expression.

The ball is in Kiyoomi’s hands, he's holding it, mouth open, eyes darting quickly. He's thinking.

Atsumu waits, heart pounding. The silence stretches on. It's starting to become unbearable. Atsumu starts to play with a loose thread on his pants and Kiyoomi jolts,

“Oh shit sorry,” he passes the ball.

“What's going on in that pretty head of yours?”

“Just…A lot.”

“Do you need some time alone to process?”

“No,” Kiyoomi says slowly, “Did you do some research?”

“I did.” Atsumu confirms.

Kiyoomi’s breathing rate is picking up, “It's going to get worse.”

“What do you mean?”

“When the OCD is told no it actually gets worse for a while.”

“I am afraid for you. I'm not afraid of you.”

“I'm afraid of me.”

Atsumu blinks back the prickle of tears forming in his eyes. Oh Omi.

“I've never let someone do this for me. Be my pillar for me. I've always just…had to myself.”

“It's your choice, I would stay with Samu if you need to be alone.”

“You wouldn't like, be dirty on purpose right?”

“Omi! I'm not cruel. I'd keep being as clean as I usually am.”

“Some therapies do that. Force you to do the worst things.”

“Well, I'm not your therapist, I'm your…”

Atsumu leaves it hanging, not actually having a word that he feels like he wants to say. Boyfriend? Omi has called him his partner…

“I want to try. With you here.” Kiyoomi says.

Atsumu raises his gaze to meet his eyes. There is determination there.

Atsumu smiles, “Alright, let's talk logistics. I think intimacy should be off the table just because…both of us. The thing I'm wondering about is sleeping together.”

Kiyoomi waits a moment, seeming to try and play catch up with the mood shift. “I’d like to…”

“But?”

“You usually shower before bed, I think I'd want that to continue, otherwise…”

Atsumu considers this, “That is fair, it's already something I do. You can't be picky about the duration or extensiveness of the shower though. But at the end of the day if you don't wanna sleep with me that's okay. I'm going to like, force ya.”

“That sounds good.” Kiyoomi is quiet now.

“How about touching?”

“Can we leave it to when I initiate for now?” Again, that quiet, almost ashamed voice.

“Sure Omi. Last question, then we can get you settled. Do you want me to interrupt or distract you when your OCD is making you do something excessively?”

Kiyoomi blinks a few times, “Like…what? What would you distract me with?”

“Not sure yet, I was going to leave it to the spur of the moment.”

“Yeah. You can try. I'm not guaranteeing it will work.”

“Alright!”

“Don't sound so excited.”

“Fine fine, I'll contain my excitement, you want some time to unpack?”

“Atsu. Thank you. It…it feels like there isn't a word big enough to describe what you are to me. It feels like you are my everything.”

That's how Kiyoomi leaves the room, Atsumu still sitting on the floor. Stunned.
He looks up at the empty doorway. Fuck. You're my everything too.

…

Atsumu gives Kiyoomi his space, it's his first day back after all. It is nearing dinnertime. Atsumu wanders out of the bedroom and finds Kiyoomi doing his fingernails in the bathroom. He leans against the doorframe. “Hungry?”

Kiyoomi continues to slide the file against his nail a few times before he sets it on the counter. “About that…I've been having a really hard time eating.”

Atsumu looks the man up and down. This, he wasn't expecting. Is it like an eating disorder thing or a contamination thing? Both?

“How little food are we talking?”

“I have a couple of safe foods, but even those have been hard. Maybe like, once a day?”

“Dude! How are you like functioning? I eat like at least 6 times a day!”

Kiyoomi rubs his pointer finger along the nail he was just filing. He must find something wrong because he picks up the file again. “Yeah. It's not a great cycle.”

Atsumu feels his foot tap nervously. “Okay what are these safe foods?”

Kiyoomi keeps filing, “White rice if I wash it myself. Rice or wheat crackers are usually okay. I can do some pickled vegetables. No meat, no dairy, fresh vegetables and fruit are hard but not a solid ‘No’.”

“Okay, we can work with that, and work on expanding it back to your normal diet. And work on the frequency of meals.”

Kiyoomi nods, feeling the ridges of his nail again.

“Let's go get some supplies to keep you fed.”

Kiyoomi looks up, and then back at his nails. “Your nails will still be there when we get back,” Atsumu says gently.

Kiyoomi hesitates, like he is fighting an inner demon and puts the nail file away. He washes his hands for a solid minute, drying them on a towel which he then removes to put in the hamper. He then replaced the towel ring with a new towel.

“I will not be doing that.” Atsumu says

“I know.” Kiyoomi responds.

“I love you though.”

A sigh, “I know.”

…

Every bite is its own battle. It's embarrassing. It's shameful. It's weak.

It's rice. It's calories. Kiyoomi knows his body needs calories. Don't think about it like food. It's fuel. Don't think about where the rice has been, how it came to exist, the dirty water it grew in. The person who collected it. The warehouse it sat in. The truck it was moved in. The grocery store that sold it. Hundreds, thousands of people have interacted with this rice. Even just walking by it in the aisle. His chopsticks hold a clump of rice. He inspects it. It looks like rice. His brain wishes he could zoom in, see every little microscopic…stop. Fucking stop. He puts it in his mouth quickly.

Spit it out. No. It's probably infested with bugs. No. It's not. How do you know? The eggs could be inside the grains. There are no eggs. If you swallow you will be infested. No I won't. You'll be dirty and sick. No. You'll have bugs growing inside of you. No. Yes. They are probably already there from your other bites.

Kiyoomi feels his throat constrict. He wants to throw up. He also is terrified of throwing up. Atsumu has already finished off his dinner and Kiyoomi is on bite 3.

He swallows.

I wonder what kind of bugs will grow inside of you. I wonder how sick they will make you. Now that they are there will you ever be able to get rid of them?

“I can't.”

“What is it telling you?”

“Bugs.”

“Kiyoomi, has it been this bad before?”

“A few times.”

“What has helped in the past?”

Kiyoomi pushes the bowl away from himself. Even the smell makes him think of bugs.

“Usually as I work on the other things, the food thing gets better.”

“Would it be easier to do more frequent meals? That way you would get food throughout the day at least.”

The idea sounds like torture. “Yeah. Let's try it.”

Bug boy. They are probably breeding right now. Just filling you up. You'll have to throw them up if you want to be clean. If you wait to long they will burrow into your intestines and then you--

“Can you get me my medicine?”

Atsumu gets up to fetch the pills. This shit knocks him out. He doesn't like to use it. But now the OCD is telling him to carve open his stomach to get them out. He needs to be sedated.

He takes 2 and looks at the bowl of rice. “Can I lay on your lap and watch TV?”

“Sure Omi.”

They get settled. Atsumu doesn't touch him, other than the contact by laying on his legs. He breathes in. Atsumu’s smell. It's comforting. It doesn't smell like bugs. It smells like home.

Atsumu puts on their trashy romance series. Kiyoomi watches, letting the drama replace the monologue in his head. After an episode he feels the meds kicking in. “Bed,” he says as he sits up. The world feels duller, tired, quieter. Atsumu follows him into the bedroom and helps him get tucked in, without actually touching him.

“I'll be in a little later. Holler if you need me.”

“Okay Atsu.” His eyelids feel forcefully heavy. He didn't even shower before he got into bed. He’ll have to change the bedding tomorrow. He probably would have anyway. He lets himself be sedated and goes to sleep.

…

“He ate 3 bites of rice.”

Samu whistles.

“His body is going to like, shut down. He's eating so little.”

“Well, actually his body is breaking down his muscles to keep him going.”

“Shit.”

“Yeah, you pro athletes don't exactly have a ton of reserved body fat.”

“I'm really worried Samu.”

“Welcome to our world Atsumu.”

“It sucks.”

“Indeed.”

“I'm sorry. I really am trying to not be someone you all have to worry about.”

“I wasn't fishing for an apology Tsumu.”

“Still, I'm sorry.”

“What are you going to do if caring for Omi starts hurting you?”

Atsumu's voice stalls, “I…I hadn't thought about that.”

Samu’s voice becomes quieter, “Yeah that's for table 4”

“I'll let you go Samu. Thanks for picking up.”

Atsumu hangs up before Osamu responds.

He taps his phone against his leg. What is he going to do if it gets to be too much?

…

Atsumu opens his eyes, he feels sick. Kiyoomi is sleeping in front of him, but the only thing Atsumu sees is the dream he just had.

Omi had been on his back, legs bent upwards. Atsumu was braced over him, holding one of the legs to keep him spread. Atsumu hadn't felt any pleasure, but he knew what they were doing. His hips moved forwards. He looked to Kiyoomi’s face and - awake Atsumu forces his eyes shut, he can still see it - Omi’s face, looked so sad. In his dream Atsumu had stopped, and asked “Do you want to stop?”

“Yes.”

That's when he woke up.

What the fuck was that? Why had he dreamed that? Why had he dreamed that he…

Atsumu opens his eyes and looks at the man in front of him. Kiyoomi is still conked out, his eyes are soft and his curls tumble against the pillow.

He reaches up to brush a lock of hair and stops himself. No touching. He brings his hand back to his own body. Why did he dream that he was hurting Omi?

…

Kiyoomi wakes up first. His vision is hazy for a moment till he blinks a few times. He's not sure when Atsumu finally came to bed. The man is on his side, holding onto his pillow, one hand under and one above, like he's trying to snuggle it.

Kiyoomi reaches forward and places his hand next to Atsumu’s. Eyes flutter open and they look at each other for a moment.

“Sorry, didn't mean to wake you.”

“Was just dozing, woke up a little while ago.”

“Oh.” He moves his hand a little closer, letting their pinkies touch. “Sorry I went to sleep so early.”

Atsumu pulls away a tiny bit, “It's all good.”

Oh. Kiyoomi pulls his hand back too, tucking it under the blanket.

“How are you feeling?” Atsumu yawns as he stretches.

“The meds make me groggy in the morning, but I'm okay.”

“What are the meds?”

“It's called a prn, it can be taken when you're freaking out. Mines heavy on the sedative aspect, like it makes you drowsy. So you can't do much after you take it.”

“Hmm, I'm glad you have that as an option.”

Atsumu is laying on his back now, arms behind his head. Kiyoomi watches him. His eyelashes are fair, catching some of the morning light. He really is beautiful. And strong. His power is unbelievable.

“Atsumu, is something wrong? Like other than the obvious stuff?”

“Oh, yeah, just had a bad dream, wasn't in the mood to be touched.”

“I'm sorry, I should have asked first.”

“Oh god please don't start asking every single time before you touch me.”

“Okay.”

“So…are you ready to try breakfast?”

Kiyoomi groans, “Yeah.”

…

Atsumu makes him eat 5 times. It's terrible. Each time he manages to get some food down and it doesn't escalate to the point of needing to be sedated. But it still fucking sucks.

After the second eating of the day Atsumu goes to practice. Kiyoomi can't help the relief he feels. No one will make him eat for a few hours. He won't feel watched for a few hours. He can clean for a few hours.

He loves Atsumu. He really really does. But the goblin in his brain doesn't. Atsumu makes his brain want to scream, and thrash and fight. But it's for all the right reasons. It hurts so much to have Atsumu around because he is forcing the OCD to fight for what it wants. It's a good hurt. While he is gone though, Kiyoomi is going to stop fighting and clean. He needs something to stay sane or he might honestly lose it. He works on the bathroom first. The smell of the bleach gets to his head so he opens some windows in the apartment. It's a cold day, almost cold enough to snow. The frigid air rushes in. He keeps working on the bathroom. Every little spot. Atsumu did a decent job while he was away, but everything needs to be gone over again. The OCD needs to know, needs to see that it is clean.

He is scrubbing the top edges of the tub walls when he hears “Holy Shit.”

Atsumu pokes his head into the bathroom, “Omi it's freezing in here.”

The noise of another person jolts Kiyoomi out of his tunnel vision. He looks at his watch. It has indeed been several hours. He suddenly notices that it is indeed very cold in the apartment. He hears the sound of Atsumu shutting windows. He really hadn't noticed. He looks back at his half finished project. His body is tired. He's been at it since Atsumu left. Ugh. Atsumu is probably about to make him eat.

Atsumu reappears in the doorway. His hair is still damp from showering at the gym. Kiyoomi wants to shower. He can feel all the little particles that are probably all over him from cleaning.

“How was practice?” His voice is more tense than he means it to be.

“Fine.”

His skin is starting to physically feel like it is crawling. “I'm going to shower. Then we can make food?”

“Sure thing Omi.”

Atsumu closes the door on himself. Kiyoomi takes a lukewarm shower.

The next day Kiyoomi uses his alone time to tackle the stove. The whole thing comes out from the wall and he sets to work. The damn thing has all of these awful little metal seams that stuff gets stuck into. He is using a toothpick to try and get some of the disgusting mystery food out. There is a stubborn piece of something brown. He works on it for several minutes straight, getting more and more frustrated. He wishes he could rip apart the oven and get at the thing better.

‘Get it’ his brain demands.

“I'm fucking trying” he mutters under his breath.

‘Get. It. Out.’ it yells louder.

Kiyoomi grits his teeth and keeps working on it.

His brain takes a different, horrifying tactic. It shows him Atsumu. Specifically the picture of Atsumu with his eyes closed in his MSBY uniform.

No.

No.no.no.

This happened after his dad died. The vivid images. Images of a car wreck. But this. He really saw this. His brain really knows what it looked like.

His fist punches the metal wall of the oven.

“Get. It.” His brain repeats.

He wants to bury his face in his hands but his hands are dirty. He's trapped. Trapped until he gets this damn thing out of the impossible small crevice of his damn oven.

He keeps seeing it. It makes him feel ill. His brain gets creative and imagines beyond the photo. Stop. Stop, please. I don't want to see this. He glances towards the hallway. His medicine. He manages to stand and washes his hands for as little time as he can handle. He makes it to the bathroom and with shaking hands opens the bottle.

‘Five.’

No five is too many. Two.

‘Five is the right number.’

No.

Yet there are five in the palm of his hand.

‘If you don't want this to happen, take five.’

Kiyoomi can't stop seeing. He can't stop seeing it. He takes five.

He lays down on the bathroom floor. He knows it's clean. And he can't go to the bed or couch because he is the thing that is dirty. The floor is cold, it feels good against his temple. He luckily has his phone on him. He FaceTimes Motoya.

“Hello!”

“Hello Motoya.”

“Are you laying on the floor? And you hardly ever FaceTime me, I'm lucky if you even text.”

“I'm having unbearable intrusive thoughts, I need to be distracted till the medicine kicks in.”

“Oh okay-”

Motoya goes into a long winded monologue about his latest dating woes, complete with exaggerated hand gestures as he walks around his apartment.

Kiyoomi feels his eyes growing heavy. “Tell Osamu to text Atsumu that I'm going to be asleep on the bathroom floor. Don't want him to worry when he finds me here.”

“You're interrupting my story-”

Kiyoomi ends the call and closes his eyes. Just let me pass out. Please.

Chapter Text

“Call me.”

Atsumu’s head is still dripping water and a few droplets land on his phone screen. It's concerning how often he is receiving this demand lately.

“Samu what is it?”

“Hey, are you still at the gym?”

“Yeah?”

“Start heading home, I think everything is okay but you're going to want to go home.”

Atsumu pulls his pants up, keeping the phone pressed to his ear with his shoulder.

“What the fuck is going on Samu?”

“Like an hour ago I got a weird text from Motoya, something about Kiyoomi being asleep on the bathroom floor?”

“Wait a sec.” Atsumu pulls the phone away from his ear to pull his shirt on, then he's out the door, “Tell me exactly what he said.”

“Tell Atsumu: Kiyoomi fell asleep with me on FaceTime, he's snoozing in the bathroom. Took some meds.”

“That's it?”

“That's it. Doesn't sound like an emergency, just letting you know.”

“Okay, thanks Samu.” He hangs up and checks the bus schedule. No bus for 30 minutes. He looks down the street. It's about 3 miles to walk straight home, if he jogs he can get there in 20 minutes or less.

Well, he had wanted to work on his stamina. He secures his bag over her shoulder and starts running.

…

Just a post workout…workout, he thinks to himself. He rounds the corner and jogs down their block. He looks up at their building. You better be fucking okay.

He takes the steps two at a time, nearly knocking down a lady coming the opposite way, “Sorry!” He calls back and continues up. He gets the door unlocked and doesn't bother to relock it or take off his shoes. He beelines for the bathroom and turns on the light. Omi is curled up, his phone resting by his head. He's breathing fine. Atsumu crouches down and feels his pulse, it's strong but slow. Atsumu sits back against the wall. He catches his breath from running and then flying up several flights.

Wait, had the stove been pulled out? He vaguely remembers seeing it out in the kitchen when he passed by. Weird. He rests his head against the wall. Atsumu wonders what happened while he was gone, what triggered this, and why the bathroom?

Should he try and get Omi to move? He gets up, grabs a towel, pillow, and extra blanket from the closet. He brings them over to the bathroom. Omi might kill him for bringing a pillow in here. He props up Kiyoomi’s head, the man doesn't even stir. He lays the towel down and then the pillow on top of it and places Kiyoomi's head back down. Still no movement at all. Shit those drugs must be good. He lays the blanket over him, making sure that his feet, which are always cold, are covered.

Dummy. You're barely eating, no need to stress your body out by freezing on the tile.

Atsumu sits back against the wall again. This isn't working. It's only been two days but it is clear that Kiyoomi is very not okay. Will he need to go to the hospital? Atsumu remembers hearing about some outpatient programs that the mental hospital offered.

He feels kind of mad. No, actually he feels straight up mad. Why did Kiyoomi have to go take care of his mom, just to wind up doing terribly himself? Isn't the parent supposed to be the caretaker? Why is it all on Omi?

He reaches up to the bottle on the counter and looks it up. It's apparently a decently high dose of a Benzodiazepine…whatever that is. The side effects sound pretty scary, lack of muscle control, confusion, memory loss and in rare cases hallucinations.

He looks over to Omi, sleeping on the floor. Atsumu knows he needs to get him into an actual bed. If he doesn't want to be touched upon waking up, his back pain is going to be a nightmare.

…

The world is so heavy and dark. His brain feels empty.

“Omi” the sound is quiet, ignorable.

“Omi.” Louder this time. Annoying.

His brain is pulled through fog, lots and lots of fog. The voice is clearer, “Omi get up”

Not his mom. His mom doesn't call him Omi.

“Come on.”

It's a man's voice.

Kiyoomi opens an eye. It's a Herculean feat. The room is dark. The tile under his body is cold. A hand is petting his hair. It feels really nice

Kiyoomi’s brain is still soup. Each thought feels so slow. Why did you leave me, he thinks. Why did you leave for all those years? I needed you.

“Omi, please get up.”

Hands are trying to pull him up. Everything feels so heavy. There's no way he's going to be able to move. The hands are insistent. Fine.

He directs his energy into his limbs, everything feels leaden, like he is weighed down. He is partially pulled upright, his balance is all off though, he slumps against the wall.

“Are you okay?”

Dad checks where he hit the wall.

“Why did you leave?” Why did you stay away all those years if you were alive?

“Sorry Omi. Can you stand?”

Can he? He can try. Hands brace his shoulders as he gets his legs to straighten.

“That's good, that's good.”

Why now? Why come back now? Why did you leave me?

He is helped through a doorway and feels confused. He's not at home. Well, it's a kind of home. His feet catch and he stumbles forwards into another wall.

Ow. “Fuck.” He crumples to the ground, his body doesn't even feel real, like he's a puppet and no one is pulling the strings. He lays down.

“Oh. Okay, let me get the pillow.” His head is lifted and something soft is put under it.

The weight of sleep is pulling him down. He's about to be gone again. “Why did you leave us?” His own voice is fading away in his ears.

The next time his eyes open the room is lighter. There is early morning light coming in through a window. His eyes are unfocused and for a moment it is jarring because he doesn't know where he is. He blinks and opens his eyes wider. Is he on the floor? In the hallway? He still feels groggy as hell like his brain can't process anything. It can't process that Atsumu is laying on the floor too.

What are they doing here? “Atsumu…”
His eyes slowly open and he looks confused for a moment before he groans and closes his eyes again, “Hows your back?”

Kiyoomi adjusts and feels all the tense muscles in his back and neck, “Not great.”

“Yeah, who knew floors were so hard.” Atsumu stretches, back arching off the floor.

“Why are we here?”

Atsumu stays laying down and looks over, “You dont remember?”

“No…Well, kinda.”

“What do you remember?” Atsumu has turned into his side, propping his head up with his hand.

He doesn't remember a lot, it feels scary, like he's missing time, somehow it vanished. “I know I was working on the stove.”

Atsumu just stays leaning on his arm.

“I think…I think I freaked out…” His brain reminds him about the mystery crumb that is still in the crevice. He also remembers what his brain had shown him. Oh.

“I lost control,” he says quietly.

“What does that mean?” Atsumu asks.

“I…I think I would have done anything to make it stop.”

Atsumu swallows, “I'm worried about you staying safe.”

“Me too. I think…you know how we removed things from the apartment for you? I think I'll need help with something.”

He still feels so groggy. He closes his eyes. His body hurts.

“Anything Omi”

The sound of his nickname makes something fizzle in his head. He sits up, groaning as he feels all of his sore muscles stretch.

“You were curled up in the bathroom when I came home.”

“I was trying to sedate myself. I didn't feel clean enough for the bed. How did I get out here?”

Atsumu sits up too, crossing his legs, “I was trying to get you out of the bathroom but you kinda…collapsed.”

“Oh…”

“You seemed really out of it.”

Kiyoomi bites his lip. He had taken too much. He's never taken that much before. He doesn't remember Atsumu waking him up at all.

Atsumu continues in response to Kiyoomi’s silence, “Do you not want me to go to practice?”

“What? What would make you think that?” Kiyoomi feels his head naturally tilt and is presented with a sharp pain up into his skull. He rubs the spot idly.

“Last night, you kept asking me why I left.”
Ataumu’s voice is so small.

Wh-what? Why would Kiyoomi say that? He harbors no resentment for Atsumu going to practice. If anything he had been secretly looking forward to being home alone.

“Atsumu I promise I don't mind you going to practice.”

Ataumu’s face pinches and he looks down, fingers playing with the carpet fibers.

“Omi, what happened? What do you need help with?”

Kiyoomi tries to shift his posture to find a position that doesn't hurt. It's impossible. He reaches back and tries to rub at his lower back. He hears a sigh from Atsumu, who says, “Need help?”

Kiyoomi’s stomach flips. It was not asked with the usual enthusiasm. “Oh, no, it's okay, just an itch.” He pulls his hand back to his front.

“Kiyoomi…” Atsumu says slowly. Oh yeah. The question he had asked.

“I um, I was having some really disturbing intrusive thoughts. I was so desperate to get it to stop. I…I took more medicine than I should have. I think…I think that I'm not strong enough to fight against the intrusive thoughts.”

“Kiyoomi…what if it tells you to do something dangerous?”

“I…I don't know. My brain has…never tried this specific tactic against me before.”

Atsumu takes a deep breath and leans his head back against the wall. “It's okay to need help, like more help than you currently have.”

Kiyoomi looks over at Atsumu. Kiyoomi wants to refute that, wants to claim that it's not okay, not okay for him to need that…but he can't. “Yeah,” he finally says, “I think it might be time.”

Atsumu looks down from the ceiling. His face is so sad. Kiyoomi closes his eyes to it. “Kiyoomi I love you. You're not scaring me. But I'm so fucking scared for you.”

Kiyoomi looks down at his hands. They are dry and cracked from cleaning products. He hasn't been taking care of himself. He hasn't been able to. If his brain told him to do something worse than take five pills, he might. He really might. He’d never hurt Atsumu, this he knows, not directly anyway. Kiyoomi opens his eyes again and watches Atsumu look out the window at the end of the hall. Just by being like this, I'm hurting him. Just by being me. His stomach rumbles and he gets the urge to stab it. Stop. Just fucking stop. Stop being demanding. Stop needing things. Stop demanding things of me.

Kiyoomi wishes he didn't have to have a body. It would be so much easier without this dirty, skin sack full of blood and germs. He has to feed it and wash it and bathroom it. It's exhausting. It's terribly exhausting. The thought of Atsumu trying to get him to eat, right now while he's still partially drugged, and his body fucking hurts, and his brain could intrude at any time. It's overwhelming.

“I'm tired. I'm really tired.”

“Do you want to sleep some more?”

“It's a tired sleep can't fix.”

“Oh.” Atsumu says gently. “I know that tired.”

Kiyoomi knows he does. Kiyoomi knows.

“I'm going to call my therapist. She can help me find a place.”

Atsumu has his eyes closed, he takes steadying breaths.

“Fuck” Atsumu whispers. They make eye contact, “This hurts. Is this how you've been feeling this whole time? Afraid like this?”

Kiyoomi doesn't respond but holds the eye contact. Atsumu buries his face in his hands. “You can't be dumb like I was. I love you too much Omi.”

“I won't,” he says.

Chapter Text

He has to. Kiyoomi knows that he has to. For Atsumu. For himself. For the both of them. He starts an outpatient day program. Atsumu drops him off, Kiyoomi stays there all day, and then Atsumu picks him back up for dinner. The days are exhausting. It doesn't help that he's been put on a daily low dose of his benzo, it makes him have less energy. Atsumu is the keeper of the meds. He puts out the daily allowance. Kiyoomi doesn't know where he is keeping it. Kiyoomi feels like shit for asking his boyfriend, who literally tried to kill himself earlier in the year, to be the keeper of the dangerous medicine. But the truth is, Atsumu has way more self control right now than Kiyoomi does. It's safer there by a mile.

Kiyoomi can admit to his therapist and himself that this is the worst it has ever been. The worst he has ever been. He's never been a burden like this before. He sleeps on the couch. He eats some when Atsumu asks him to. He can't remember the last time he genuinely smiled or laughed. That tired feeling. The one that Atsumu knows, lingers at the edge of everything. A dread. A hopelessness. Just…tired. Tired of it all. Tired of life being so difficult, of it being a fight every single day. Kiyoomi wishes the fight was over. But the truth is, it will never, ever be over. This is him. As long as he lives he will always have the demon.

Is that why Atsumu had tried? Had it just felt so hopeless? Like that terrible day in their coaches office was going to repeat forever?

Kiyoomi doesn't smile, or laugh, he doesn't cry either. He wants to- he knows he has to let the pain out somehow, but the tears won't come. Atsumu had cried enough for both of them these past few days. He's hurting him. He's really hurting him. His beautiful Atsumu.

They are sitting at the table, Atsumu is eating, Kiyoomi is trying. Atsumu said he wasn't going to listen to the OCD, but in some ways he definitely has. It's hard not to. Kiyoomi, of all people, understands. Atsumu cooks and eats the most bland meals. They stopped doing rice. They have stopped doing nearly everything. Kiyoomi looks up.

Atsumu's eyes look tired as he pushes food around his plate. I'm hurting him, Kiyoomi thinks.

“I don't think this is working anymore.” His own voice surprises him.

Atsumu looks up, “I can make something else.”

Kiyoomi swallows his own spit. Gross.
“No. I mean us. I don't think we are working anymore.” His stomach fucking aches as he says the words. Why? Why is he saying this?

Ataumu's mouth falls open, his eyes darting between both of Kiyoomi’s.

“Kiyoomi,” he whispers.

Kiyoomi feels the words appear in his brain. He hates them. He's going to say them anyway.

“The intrusive thoughts that are killing me are about you.”

Atsumu blinks several times in a row, he drops the utensil that has been in his hand.

“I never told you. He sent me the unedited pictures. And now my brain tortures me with them, anytime I don't listen to it.”

“You saw…”

“I saw.” It's not the time to get hung up on the technicalities of having seen one or them all. He's breaking up with him after all.

“You…” Atsumu can't seem to finish the thought. His expression is caught between horrified and angry. Ataumu's hands become fists and his eyes overflow.

Finish the job Kiyoomi, his brain says.

“You're hurting me.”

Atsumu looks up, eyes fucking wet, bottom lip trembling, shaking breaths. “No,” he whispers,”please no.”

Kiyoomi clenches his jaw. Don't back down now.

“Being together is preventing me from getting better.” It's a lie. It is just straight up a lie. Why? Why the fuck?

Atsumu stands, forcing the chair back, “Kiyoomi, tell me it's not you saying this. Please.”

Kiyoomi meets his eyes, unflinching, “It's me.”

“Oh.” It is let out as a gust of air, almost a groan.

Atsumu stands and goes into the bedroom.
Kiyoomi looks down at his uneaten food. Good. I'm setting you free Atsu. There is a whole world for you to conquer. No one should hold you back.

Atsumu returns from the bedroom with a bag. He stops for a moment in the entryway to the dining room. Kiyoomi doesn't turn to look at him. He can't. If he does he will crack.

“I'll be going then…” he says quietly, his voice thick.

“Okay.” Kiyoomi responds.

Oh wait shit, his medicine. “Leave the medicine out.”

Atsumu pauses. They both exist there for an uncomfortable amount of time. He finally looks at Atsumu. “No. I'm going to give it to Motoya. Not going to let my best spiker fucking kill himself. Your cousin is on his way. See you later.” Atsumu turns quickly and Kiyoomi hears the apartment door close. He looks down at his uneaten food.

What the fuck did he just do?

…

“Woah, woah slow down Tsumu, I can't hear you”

“He broke up with me. Fucking bastard. Did you know he had seen the real photos?”

The line crackles and Osamu sucks in a breath. Shit.

“No I swear I didn't Tsumu, I swear.”

The sound of a hiccuping cry comes through, “He said I was hurting him.”

Osamu wants to fucking deck Kiyoomi. Really just lay into him. How dare he fucking say that after everything Atsumu has been doing to care for him.

“I'm getting in the car now, I'm picking you up.”

“Okay Samu,” there is a sniff “I'm outside of Kiyoomi’s. I'm waiting to give something to Motoya.”

Osamu starts the engine. He shifts into drive roughly, gears squealing for a moment. “Atsumu, you should go inside, there's a coffee shop right down the street.”

“I'm fucking crying Samu. I'm not going inside of anywhere.”

Osamu starts the drive, “Stay on with me. Tell me what else the bastard said.”

Atsumu scoffs, “Fucker barely said anything.”

The line is quiet for a moment. Then Atsumu's small voice comes through, “I thought…I really thought…”

Samu’s heart breaks. He had thought too. He really had thought that Atsumu had found his soul mate. He hits the top of the steering wheel.

“Atsumu, it's him that's fucked up.”

“I think we are both fucked up.”

“No-”

Atsumu cuts him off, “Maybe we are just too much for each other. We aren't good for each other…I wasn't good enough for him.”

“Fuck, hell no. You're a fucking treasure.”

That gets him a singular scoffing laugh followed by a shuddering breath.

“He really broke up with me.”

“Yeah. He did.”

“I work with him.”

Samu cringes, “Yeah…”

There is the sound of rustling “Tell me about the latest restaurant drama. I want to be distracted.”

“Well, Mila has been fucking trying to bone everyone who walks in the door-”

…

He pulls up and sees Atsumu sitting on a concrete bench. His face is still red and they are still on the phone, “Hop in” Samu says and Atsumu stands.

Atsumu lets himself in and throws his bag into the back seat. He huffs and fastens his seat belt. “Get me outta here” he says.

“Can do. I'm going to stuff you silly with good food. We added a few things to the menu since you've last visited.”

Samu keeps talking to fill the space while Atsumu looks out the passenger window.

“No offense Samu but can you shut up?”

Osamu looks over. Atsumu doesn't seem like he meant it maliciously, more like he is just genuinely overwhelmed.

“No problem. Turn on the radio if you want it.”

They drive in silence. Samu specifically takes the wrong exit to avoid a certain somebody and they take back roads to get back home. He drops Atsumu off and helps him in. Ma envelopes him in a hug and she doesn't let go for a solid minute. She winks at Samu and waves him off. He gets back in the car and heads to the restaurant. He needs to make sure Mila hasn't actually hooked up with any guests.

…

“Kiyo get up.”

“No.”

The blanket is ripped off of him.

“Get. Up.”

Kiyoomi glares at his cousin who just totally let himself in.

“God you're such a baby.”

Motoya sits on the edge of the pulled out couch.

“Why did I just talk with the crying love of your life out front?”

Kiyoomi lifts his head. Atsumu is still outside?

He lays back down, “Did you get the medicine?”

“Yeah I feel like a goddamn drug dealer. He told me how much to give you.”

“Can I have some now?”

“Let's talk a little first.”

Kiyoomi groans and pushes his face into the cushion.

“It would be okay if you were upset that he broke up with you.”

Kiyoomi turns “He…it was me, I broke up with him.”

“No shit” Motoya is looking at him carefully.

“Yes shit.” Kiyoomi grumbles.

“Why?”

Honestly, it's not even fully clear to Kiyoomi. He has a vague idea of why he just did that, but it's not fully into words yet.

“I felt like I was hurting him. He didn't have his usual spark.”

“Hmm, no spark, perfect reason to break up.”

Kiyoomi groans and pulls the blanket back over himself.

“So what I'm hearing is that you don't actually have a reason, you just up and decided for Atsumu what he needed and then broke his heart?”

Kiyoomi is still under the darkness of the blanket. The reality of what he just did actually hits him. Atsumu is gone. He made Atsumu be gone. Fuck. Holy fuck. He said things specifically to hurt him and push him away.

All the tears that hadn't come for so many days come all at once.

Chapter Text

He has to. Kiyoomi knows that he has to. For Atsumu. For himself. For the both of them. He starts an outpatient day program. Atsumu drops him off, Kiyoomi stays there all day, and then Atsumu picks him back up for dinner. The days are exhausting. It doesn't help that he's been put on a daily low dose of his benzo, it makes him have less energy. Atsumu is the keeper of the meds. He puts out the daily allowance. Kiyoomi doesn't know where he is keeping it. Kiyoomi feels like shit for asking his boyfriend, who literally tried to kill himself earlier in the year, to be the keeper of the dangerous medicine. But the truth is, Atsumu has way more self control right now than Kiyoomi does. It's safer there by a mile.

Kiyoomi can admit to his therapist and himself that this is the worst it has ever been. The worst he has ever been. He's never been a burden like this before. He sleeps on the couch. He eats some when Atsumu asks him to. He can't remember the last time he genuinely smiled or laughed. That tired feeling. The one that Atsumu knows, lingers at the edge of everything. A dread. A hopelessness. Just…tired. Tired of it all. Tired of life being so difficult, of it being a fight every single day. Kiyoomi wishes the fight was over. But the truth is, it will never, ever be over. This is him. As long as he lives he will always have the demon.

Is that why Atsumu had tried? Had it just felt so hopeless? Like that terrible day in their coaches office was going to repeat forever?

Kiyoomi doesn't smile, or laugh, he doesn't cry either. He wants to- he knows he has to let the pain out somehow, but the tears won't come. Atsumu had cried enough for both of them these past few days. He's hurting him. He's really hurting him. His beautiful Atsumu.

They are sitting at the table, Atsumu is eating, Kiyoomi is trying. Atsumu said he wasn't going to listen to the OCD, but in some ways he definitely has. It's hard not to. Kiyoomi, of all people, understands. Atsumu cooks and eats the most bland meals. They stopped doing rice. They have stopped doing nearly everything. Kiyoomi looks up.

Atsumu's eyes look tired as he pushes food around his plate. I'm hurting him, Kiyoomi thinks.

“I don't think this is working anymore.” His own voice surprises him.

Atsumu looks up, “I can make something else.”

Kiyoomi swallows his own spit. Gross.
“No. I mean us. I don't think we are working anymore.” His stomach fucking aches as he says the words. Why? Why is he saying this?

Ataumu's mouth falls open, his eyes darting between both of Kiyoomi’s.

“Kiyoomi,” he whispers.

Kiyoomi feels the words appear in his brain. He hates them. He's going to say them anyway.

“The intrusive thoughts that are killing me are about you.”

Atsumu blinks several times in a row, he drops the utensil that has been in his hand.

“I never told you. He sent me the unedited pictures. And now my brain tortures me with them, anytime I don't listen to it.”

“You saw…”

“I saw.” It's not the time to get hung up on the technicalities of having seen one or them all. He's breaking up with him after all.

“You…” Atsumu can't seem to finish the thought. His expression is caught between horrified and angry. Ataumu's hands become fists and his eyes overflow.

Finish the job Kiyoomi, his brain says.

“You're hurting me.”

Atsumu looks up, eyes fucking wet, bottom lip trembling, shaking breaths. “No,” he whispers,”please no.”

Kiyoomi clenches his jaw. Don't back down now.

“Being together is preventing me from getting better.” It's a lie. It is just straight up a lie. Why? Why the fuck?

Atsumu stands, forcing the chair back, “Kiyoomi, tell me it's not you saying this. Please.”

Kiyoomi meets his eyes, unflinching, “It's me.”

“Oh.” It is let out as a gust of air, almost a groan.

Atsumu stands and goes into the bedroom.
Kiyoomi looks down at his uneaten food. Good. I'm setting you free Atsu. There is a whole world for you to conquer. No one should hold you back.

Atsumu returns from the bedroom with a bag. He stops for a moment in the entryway to the dining room. Kiyoomi doesn't turn to look at him. He can't. If he does he will crack.

“I'll be going then…” he says quietly, his voice thick.

“Okay.” Kiyoomi responds.

Oh wait shit, his medicine. “Leave the medicine out.”

Atsumu pauses. They both exist there for an uncomfortable amount of time. He finally looks at Atsumu. “No. I'm going to give it to Motoya. Not going to let my best spiker fucking kill himself. Your cousin is on his way. See you later.” Atsumu turns quickly and Kiyoomi hears the apartment door close. He looks down at his uneaten food.

What the fuck did he just do?

…

“Woah, woah slow down Tsumu, I can't hear you”

“He broke up with me. Fucking bastard. Did you know he had seen the real photos?”

The line crackles and Osamu sucks in a breath. Shit.

“No I swear I didn't Tsumu, I swear.”

The sound of a hiccuping cry comes through, “He said I was hurting him.”

Osamu wants to fucking deck Kiyoomi. Really just lay into him. How dare he fucking say that after everything Atsumu has been doing to care for him.

“I'm getting in the car now, I'm picking you up.”

“Okay Samu,” there is a sniff “I'm outside of Kiyoomi’s. I'm waiting to give something to Motoya.”

Osamu starts the engine. He shifts into drive roughly, gears squealing for a moment. “Atsumu, you should go inside, there's a coffee shop right down the street.”

“I'm fucking crying Samu. I'm not going inside of anywhere.”

Osamu starts the drive, “Stay on with me. Tell me what else the bastard said.”

Atsumu scoffs, “Fucker barely said anything.”

The line is quiet for a moment. Then Atsumu's small voice comes through, “I thought…I really thought…”

Samu’s heart breaks. He had thought too. He really had thought that Atsumu had found his soul mate. He hits the top of the steering wheel.

“Atsumu, it's him that's fucked up.”

“I think we are both fucked up.”

“No-”

Atsumu cuts him off, “Maybe we are just too much for each other. We aren't good for each other…I wasn't good enough for him.”

“Fuck, hell no. You're a fucking treasure.”

That gets him a singular scoffing laugh followed by a shuddering breath.

“He really broke up with me.”

“Yeah. He did.”

“I work with him.”

Samu cringes, “Yeah…”

There is the sound of rustling “Tell me about the latest restaurant drama. I want to be distracted.”

“Well, Mila has been fucking trying to bone everyone who walks in the door-”

…

He pulls up and sees Atsumu sitting on a concrete bench. His face is still red and they are still on the phone, “Hop in” Samu says and Atsumu stands.

Atsumu lets himself in and throws his bag into the back seat. He huffs and fastens his seat belt. “Get me outta here” he says.

“Can do. I'm going to stuff you silly with good food. We added a few things to the menu since you've last visited.”

Samu keeps talking to fill the space while Atsumu looks out the passenger window.

“No offense Samu but can you shut up?”

Osamu looks over. Atsumu doesn't seem like he meant it maliciously, more like he is just genuinely overwhelmed.

“No problem. Turn on the radio if you want it.”

They drive in silence. Samu specifically takes the wrong exit to avoid a certain somebody and they take back roads to get back home. He drops Atsumu off and helps him in. Ma envelopes him in a hug and she doesn't let go for a solid minute. She winks at Samu and waves him off. He gets back in the car and heads to the restaurant. He needs to make sure Mila hasn't actually hooked up with any guests.

…

“Kiyo get up.”

“No.”

The blanket is ripped off of him.

“Get. Up.”

Kiyoomi glares at his cousin who just totally let himself in.

“God you're such a baby.”

Motoya sits on the edge of the pulled out couch.

“Why did I just talk with the crying love of your life out front?”

Kiyoomi lifts his head. Atsumu is still outside?

He lays back down, “Did you get the medicine?”

“Yeah I feel like a goddamn drug dealer. He told me how much to give you.”

“Can I have some now?”

“Let's talk a little first.”

Kiyoomi groans and pushes his face into the cushion.

“It would be okay if you were upset that he broke up with you.”

Kiyoomi turns “He…it was me, I broke up with him.”

“No shit” Motoya is looking at him carefully.

“Yes shit.” Kiyoomi grumbles.

“Why?”

Honestly, it's not even fully clear to Kiyoomi. He has a vague idea of why he just did that, but it's not fully into words yet.

“I felt like I was hurting him. He didn't have his usual spark.”

“Hmm, no spark, perfect reason to break up.”

Kiyoomi groans and pulls the blanket back over himself.

“So what I'm hearing is that you don't actually have a reason, you just up and decided for Atsumu what he needed and then broke his heart?”

Kiyoomi is still under the darkness of the blanket. The reality of what he just did actually hits him. Atsumu is gone. He made Atsumu be gone. Fuck. Holy fuck. He said things specifically to hurt him and push him away.

All the tears that hadn't come for so many days come all at once.

Chapter Text

Atsumu has an abundance of time now that he's at home. He takes the decently long commute to practice and back each day. Kiyoomi still hasn't come to practice at all.
Back at home he has time to think. He rereads Kiyoomi’s handwritten letter. He had said “I'm going to stay as long as you will have me.” That has not been the truth. Not their truth. He believes that Kiyoomi meant it when he wrote it, but then something changed. Then he saw the pictures. He saw the worst parts of Atsumu. The dirtiest parts. And it hurt him. His brain tortured him with it. That's why he moved to the couch. He couldn't even sleep next to someone so…

Atsumu folds up the letter. His heart hurts. He's never felt like his heart was actually breaking until now. What sucks is that he very much still loves Kiyoomi. He can't turn that off. It's been radio silence from Kiyoomi. So much of Atsumu’s stuff is still there…they were living together. Atsumu doesn't even have his old apartment anymore. Atsumu should just go when he knows Kiyoomi won't be home.

He hopes Kiyoomi is okay. He hopes that removing Atsumu helps him recover.

He had broken his own dating rule. He had let Kiyoomi slip past his fears. He had let Kiyoomi reassure him. He had let Kiyoomi become everything to him. And now he's alone. Painfully alone. This is how it should have been from the start. No dating. No romance. Just one night stands and flirting.

He goes out with Osamu some nights to drink. He doesn't drink too much, just enough to let himself dance up against other people and bat his eyelashes without a care in the world. He doesn't fuck anyone. Just plays with them, and when they ask if he wants to go back to their place he goes home with Osamu. There is something wonderful about being wanted and desired and turning them down. He can see the lust in their eyes as they look at his body. He's not theirs though. He’s nobody’s.

…

They get news that Kiyoomi will not be coming back. He terminated his contract. It's like a slap in the face. He's just…gone.

Atsumu texts Motoya, “Hey, just got the news Kiyoomi is done with the Jackals.”

He waits a second and then texts again,
“I still have a lot of things in the apartment. Is there a time I can come by?”

The typing dots appear “Could you do Wednesday around noon? He will be out, just me here. I'll help you move stuff.”

“Yes. Thanks, Motoya.”

His fingers twitch over the keyboard. So many questions he wants to ask. He wants to know how Kiyoomi is doing. Why did he quit? Could he just not bear to see Atsumu again?

He gives up and locks his phone.

…

Wednesday dutifully comes. Atsumu walks up his own familiar stairwell to what used to be his apartment too. The weird concrete smell is so normal, used to be a part of his everyday. He walks up to his door and knocks.

There is Motoya. He doesn't look like Kiyoomi except for a resemblance in the chin shape. Atsumu is brought in. He looks around. Pictures are no longer hanging up on the wall. The kitchen is meticulously clean as always. Atsumu stops to look at a pile of things on the counter. A stack of 23 photos, plus some printed by Samu. They are face down. Can't even look at me, Atsumu thinks. He continues into the apartment and starts grabbing things that are his. There was never a ton to be honest. He spends most of his time in the bedroom cleaning out his clothing drawers. It still feels like home. He aches.

He opens the drawer next to the bed and pulls out his journal. He sits down and flips through it briefly. Motoya lingers in the doorway awkwardly. Atsumu looks up, “Need something?”

Motoya scratches the back of his head, “Just…promised Kiyoomi I’d ask you how you were doing.”

Atsumu looks back down and closes the journal. He tosses it into the open bag.

“Tell me how he is doing first.”

Motoya enters and fully leans against the far wall.

“About the same as when you left. I think. I didn't know how bad it had gotten until you reached out to me.”

“Why did he quit?”

“He figured he was going to miss too much time and breach his contract, so he cut a deal instead.”

“Oh. Where is he now?”

“Day program.”

“Gotcha.”

“So…how are you?”

Atsumu feels himself smile. It's not a real smile. “Doing good, practice has been great, I eat for free at my brother's restaurant, the only annoying part is the commute.” And my broken fucking heart, his brain finishes.

Motoya watches him closely. “I think this is a huge fucking mistake.” Motoya says.

Atsumu looks down at his lap. “Will you help me bring the bags down to the car?”

“Sure.”

They each carry bags down the stairwell and out to the car. Atsumu looks up at the building. Goodbye Sakusa Kiyoomi. Thank you for everything.

Chapter Text

Atsumu sits in his annoying uncomfortable chair and reads. His pen flies across the page, ‘Incorrect article' and ‘Redo Citation’ and once in a while ‘Good point’. He glances at the stack to his right. He still has dozens to read through. It's easy to assign an essay, much harder to actually read and grade them. He leans back, tempting fate with whether his chair will tip. He's here late, nobody else is in the office. He should go home, eat, and shower. It's hard to get all the grading done and keep a bunch of rambunctious boys in check during practice. The days are long but he wouldn't trade it for anything.

He continues on, marking the essay as he goes. After this one he will go. That one turns into three more before he actually calls it.

He walks out into a crisp fall night. He takes the route by the gym to make sure there are no lingering students. It's not unheard of for a few of them to try and sneak in after hours.

He keeps walking to his car. His boys are pretty good, definitely dedicated. He is excited to see how far they will go this season. He sees himself in a few of them, some of the crazy ones. Many of the students beg to hear about his time on the Jackals. It was a glorious 5 years. Players came and went, Hinata is now married and captain of the team. His wedding was so fucking beautiful. It was also bittersweet. Atsumu brought a date, no one serious, just whoever he happened to be with at the time. Honestly, he can't even remember who it was.

He turns on his car. God it's already 7pm. He rubs his forehead. By the time he eats he'll have to sleep and then do this all over again. He puts it in drive. It is weird that he is looking forward to A.M. practice?

…

6am the next day he is walking into the gym. A few students are already there, setting up the nets. Damn volleyball addicts. He smiles and greets them. Time for another very long day.

He has to leave practice early for the faculty meeting. He threatens the team with repercussions for not properly cleaning up, and goes to change for his meeting. He never really thought he'd have a dress shirt and tie career, but he actually kind of enjoys the look.

As usual, the meeting is extremely boring, and l could have been a concise email. The only news of note is that they found a new counselor for the students. That’s good, the original counselor left right before the beginning of school. She had been great, not so bad on the eyes either. The new counselor will start later in the week. Atsumu checks his watch. Can this meeting end so that he can prepare for his classes? Apparently not, their team leader drones on. Atsumu feels himself check out and starts to daydream. He's been so busy he hasn't done any dating or even hooking up. Usually he has someone on the side, but recently it has been dry as a desert. Maybe he should make some time this weekend to go to a bar…only if he manages to finish grading first.

Finally they are released. Thank God. He heads to his classroom. Some of his volleyball kids are already in there hanging out. He shoo them out with a smile and starts to unpack his bag. He's been teaching for a few years now. It was hard at first, overwhelming. It took him a while to find his teacher self. Now it feels second nature, and he genuinely enjoys what he does. He glances at the clock. Showtime.

…

And he's back in the terrible chair, grading essays that seem to be becoming more dull by the moment. He keeps telling himself to finish it now, get some this weekend. He's alone in the office again, the only sound is the gentle ticking of the wall clock.

A door further down the hall opens. Atsumu keeps looking down at his work. Probably just the night crew. It wouldn't be the first time he stayed so late they ran into each other.

The sliding door to his office opens and he automatically greets the person without looking up. He marks another error.

“Um, excuse me.”

Atsumu sighs, dragging his attention away from his mountain of work. He turns his head to see…holy shit…

“Sakusa?”

“Osamu?”

Atsumu smiles, “Can you only tell it's me by my smile?”

Kiyoomi’s face blushes. He's not wearing a mask. They haven't seen each other in…God, 6-7 years?

“S-Sorry. Your hair.”

“Yeah, it's frowned upon for teachers to bleach their hair.”

Kiyoomi nods and glances around the room, “Is uh, is the counselor’s office in here?”

“No way. You're our new counselor?”

Kiyoomi shuffles his feet and, oh god he still fidgets with his fingers when he's nervous. “Yes.”

“Woah. What are the odds, huh?”

“Yup.”

“The counselor’s office is one more door down. I'll unlock it for you.”

Atsumu stands and groans as he straightens his back. He gestures to the door and Kiyoomi steps out, giving him space to walk through too. Atsumu turns and goes one door down. It's an unmarked door that leads to a single small room. Atsumu pulls out a ring of keys and flips through them. He can feel the taller man next him. Atsumu glances up out of the corner of his eye, Kiyoomi is watching his hands.

He finds the right key and slides it smoothly into the slot, with the flick of his wrist the door opens. He steps in to switch on the light. Kiyoomi comes in too and walks further into the small room. Atsumu takes a step forwards and the door automatically closes behind them. The noise startles them and both men turn towards the door.

Kiyoomi moves first and walks around a large wooden desk. He brushes fingers along the surface as he looks around the room. The motion draw’s Atsumu's eyes and he sees a golden ring on Kiyoomi’s left hand.

“So, you got hitched, huh?”

“What?”

“You're married?” Atsumu didn't think that it was a difficult question.

“Oh,” Kiyoomi looks down at his hand, “No, it was my dad’s. I started wearing it after my Mom passed.”

Holy shit. “I'm so sorry.”

Kiyoomi gives a weak smile, “Thanks.”

The room suddenly feels very, very small.

“You?” The question startles Atsumu,

“Me?”

“Are you married?” Atsumu gives a short laugh, “Ah, no, very much no.”

Kiyoomi continues to look around. Other than the desk there are two comfier chairs facing each other. Atsumu suddenly feels very self conscious. Should he leave? Give Kiyoomi his space?

“Is there anyone?”

Atsumu looks up, they make eye contact and…oh…it's been so long since Atsumu was given that look from Kiyoomi.

“No. Nobody.”

He watches Kiyoomi swallow, the room is dimly lit and his eyes seem dark. Is it…is it possible?

Atsumu steps forwards, towards the man who is leaning against the desk. Atsumu takes a moment to really look at him. His hair is cut short, buzzed on the sides. Short tight curls are bunched on top of his head. His face is still thin and angular, but there is also a certain ‘manly’ quality that has come with age. He is wearing a simple button up shirt, the sleeves are rolled, showing off his forearms. Atsumu looks back up to his face and sees that Kiyoomi’s eyes are roaming over him too. Fuck.

The room is so. Very. Small.

He steps forwards again and they make eye contact. It feels electric. This is the man who set the standard. The standard that no one has ever been able to meet. He is also the man who broke his heart more than anyone else.

He takes one last step. They are within arms length of each other. The room is so quiet that the only audible sounds are their own breathing. Kiyoomi braces his hands against the edge of the desk.

“Am I making you nervous?”

“Yes.”

“Do you want me to stop?

…

“No,” Kiyoomi whispers.

Atsumu puts both of his legs on either side of Kiyoomi’s which are straight in front of him as he leans against the desk. It's been years, but he's still so hot. The flame that never died. Kiyoomi’s second biggest regret. Here. Looking at him with hooded eyes.

Atsumu leans forwards tilting his head slightly. Kiyoomi feels his breath start to escalate. His eyes are intense. Although Kiyoomi knows the years that have passed, it kind of feels like none passed at all. It has always been Atsumu. From the beginning to the end.

Atsumu leans further, putting his own hands on the desk, right next to Kiyoomi’s. His face is so close, just below Kiyoomi’s own. Atsumu is looking up slightly at him. Fuck. God. The air feels like it is burning up.

“So,” Atsumu breathes out the word, his voice lower and deeper than Kiyoomi has ever heard it, “Would you let me take you right here?” Fuck. The fumbling, insecure, young man is gone. The words send a shiver down his spine and his body jolts. Atsumu looks down briefly, and then back up. “Yes.” Kiyoomi says.

Atsumu steps back, a triumphant smile on his face. “It's too bad I promised myself never to have sex in school.” Atsumu turns to look at something in the room. Kiyoomi feels pinned to the desk. Holy shit.

Atsumu looks back at him. “I should let you get used to your job, before I involve you in a school scandal anyways.” It's a joke. It's a joke about his trauma.

Kiyoomi feels his throat constrict, he wants to say something, but he can't.

Atsumu chuckles. He must be making such a face.

“Why are you here so late anyways?” Atsumu plops into one of the comfy chairs.

Kiyoomi finally gets his brain to connect with his mouth. “I-I wanted to check out the space. I won't be able to start till later this week.”

“What were you doing before?”

“Inpatient teen unit.”

Atsumu hums, nodding his head slightly. The intensity of moments ago has dissipated. Kiyoomi’s heart is still hammering in his chest, “What do you teach?”

“Language arts and I coach volleyball.”

“You always thought about coaching.”

“Yeah,” Atsumu says shyly, “Some of the kids are crazy.”

“We were crazy.”

“Yeah, we were.”

Atsumu checks his watch, “I should go. Early mornings after all.”

“Yes, same, thank you for letting me in.”

Atsumu stands, “Not a problem. I'll see you around Kiyoomi.”

Kiyoomi is left in the small, quiet room. How in the world is it possible they wound up at the same school?

Chapter Text

It should be weird seeing Atsumu like this, but t's not. He's so…good at it. The way he interacts with the students, he is firm but caring. He seems to be beloved, but also slightly feared, or maybe respected.

Sometimes Kiyoomi walks past his classroom and takes a second to just watch. Atsumu will sit on his desk, facing the students, legs crossed. He will point, listen to the response and nod with a bright smile. It's obvious that he loves it. Atsumu brings so much light to everything that he loves, including teaching.

Kiyoomi falls into his role. It's different in many ways than inpatient psych. The school environment is not…conducive to therapy practices. The kids all have their guards up, especially since he is new. He feels like he is failing, especially in comparison to Atsumu who makes it look so easy. He finds that the odd jobs that come with being a school personnel are the hardest, like covering lunch or monitoring the halls. He just isn't sure how to interact with the students in these environments.

He finds himself pressed up against a wall in a noisy cafeteria. His eyes scan the tables, nothing seems to be amis. A body joins him on the wall. He looks over to auburn eyes. They haven't directly spoken since that first night, other than pleasant greetings in the hall, where Atsumu draws out the word ‘Sakusa’ in an obnoxious way.

“Sakusa” he drawls.

“Miya.”

“Did you eat yet?”

“Not yet, no.”

“I never see you in the teacher’s lounge.”

“I'm not a teacher.”

Atsumu turns, giving him an incredulous look, “Are you serious right now?”

“I eat in my office.”

Atsumu pinches his elbow and Kiyoomi jumps. He looks over to see a sly smile, “Want to eat lunch together some days?”

“Is that…okay?”

“Boy you sure are nervous. Of course it's okay.”

“Oh, okay then. Sure.”

“Okay, text me when you have lunch in your schedule, we can see when we overlap. Do you still have my number?”

Kiyoomi sucks in a breath, “Yes, I can text you”

And that's how they texted for the first time in 6 years.

…

They sit in the comfy therapy chairs facing one another. Atsumu is shoveling rice into his mouth like his life depends on it.

“So, give me the whole scoop. You're not on social media, what's the timeline?”

“Timeline?” Kiyoomi takes a careful bite, watching to see if Atsumu is dropping any food.

“Yeah, like start with the break up.”

Kiyoomi freezes, food partway to his mouth. “Really?” He asks, putting the bite of food down.

“Yeah, I want to know. What have you been up to?”

Kiyoomi knows his mouth is hanging open. He looks at Atsumu who just takes another bite. Atsumu checks his watch, “You should start, I have class in 15 minutes.”

“I…I wasn't expecting to give my life story over lunch.”

Atsumu just raises his eyebrows for a moment and looks down at his food.

“I stayed in the day program for a few months.”

Ataumu’s head snaps up. He has those intense eyes.

“It slowly got better. It was a really hard time. It was also the first time I had to be without volleyball. I was forced to really look at what I wanted to do with my life.”

Kiyoomi takes a breath.

“Once I was able to, I went back to school for my master's degree. That took two years. I didn't play. I didn't do much of anything except school.”

He bounces his knee.

“I stopped going to my mom’s for November. I just…I couldn't. She um, she really struggled.”

He can't say it, instead he takes a shaking breath and moves on.

“I did some time abroad, in the third year, I needed to clear my head after she passed. I met a lot of incredible people. I met a lot of people with horrible life stories who still did amazing things with their lives.”

He taps his fingers on his legs.

“I came back and found a job on an inpatient teen unit. It was really fulfilling. I did that for a few years, but I wanted to try to help young people before they were at the crisis stage. That led me here.”

That's what led me here, to you.

Atsumu nods, “Where did you go abroad?”

“Lots of places, all around Europe, then I went to Central America. It was so different from anything I had seen before. The people are so full of life - social and happy and kind.”

“Are Japanese people not kind?”

“It's a different type of kind.”

“Was the language barrier difficult?”

“Yes. I um, my dad had friends all over the world, he was that kind of person. I had folks who I stayed with who looked after me.”

Atsumu checks his watch again. He groans and stands while still shoveling food into his mouth.

“Okay, time to go teach the goblins. You should stop by practice, they would absolutely lose their minds to meet you.”

“They can't meet me now?”

“I don't think they have realized who you are. And I haven't mentioned it in case you want to put that chapter behind you.”

“Oh. That is considerate. Thank you.”

“Sure. Sure.” Atsumu is nearly out the door already. “Let's do this again Kiyoomi.” Then the door is closed.

Kiyoomi sits back in his chair. Still a whirlwind of a human. Maybe even a hurricane. Or an asteroid apocalypse.

He puts his face in his hands. What the hell does Atsumu want? Why did he ask to do lunch? Why did he agree? And what about that first night in the office…he totally would have let Atsumu do whatever he had wanted. Without a doubt. He, even all these years later, is incredibly weak for the man.

He hears a knock on his door. Get it together. He stands up to answer the door.

…

“You need to work on your face.”

“Excuse me?”

Atsumu takes a sip of water, a small smirk visible behind the bottle.

“You're scaring the kids. It was cool back then, it was intimidating, but now…it's too intimidating.”

Kiyoomi ponders that for a moment and Atsumu bursts out laughing.

“What?”

“You're just proving my point is all. Looks like you're about to commit murder.”

Kiyoomi shifts his face to a glare.

“Look, look, I know you don't do it all the time, when you're actually talking to a student you're a lot softer, but like when you walk down the hall, the kids avoid you like the plague.”

“Maybe that was my plan all along.”

Atsumu smiles at his joke, “Maybe,” he agrees.

Atsumu takes a bite. The lunch dates have become a regular occurrence anytime their schedules line up. And maybe Kiyoomi was tailoring his schedule to line up with Atsumu's.

“How are you so good at this?”

“At what?”

“This,” Kiyoomi gestures towards…everything.

“I wasn't at first, I was too buddy buddy and the kids walked all over me. Took some time to find the right balance.”

“You are so respected, the students talk about you constantly.”

“Oh really? Feed my ego, what do they say?”

“Well everyone says your class is hard but that you're actually a good teacher too. They think you're funny as hell. And most of the girls are crushing hard…” he trails off for a moment and meets Atsumu's eyes, “Sorry, I didn't mean-”

“It's alright Kiyoomi. Despite your resting murder face you have some admirers of your own too. Even with the ring.” Atsumu winks.

Kiyoomi feels his face blush slightly. He needs to deflect, “I peaked in on a practice. They are really good.”

Atsumu lets him, “Yeah, they work hard.”

“And they have a great coach,” Kiyoomi adds.

“We will see how far hard work and a fallen star now coach gets them.”

“You think you're fallen?”

“Don't read into it Freud, I just mean that I'm old and retired.”

Kiyoomi takes a second to steel himself. He has been wanting to ask this for several lunches now, each time he loses confidence, or time runs out.

“Atsumu…”

He shovels in another bite as he says “Yeah?”

“Is this okay? Us? Being friends?”

“Sure. It's normal to be friends with your coworkers.”

Is it normal to also have dated as young adults? And to have saved the other's life?

Without meaning to, Kiyoomi asks, “Do students ever ask about your arm?”

“Usually it's covered, and when it's not students are usually too polite to ask. I did have a few questions last year from volleyball kids.”

“What did you say?”

Atsumu looks around, “Like I know this is the counseling office and you're the counselor but do you ever turn it off?”

“Sorry- I can stop.”

“I'm joking, it's fine, I told them. It's not a secret. In fact the video is even still up. I pretty heavily emphasize reaching out for help as soon as the thoughts start.”

Atsumu pauses but Kiyoomi can tell he's not done.

“It's weird sometimes, being the adult. These kids are the age we were when we were struggling so much. Some of them are struggling so much.”

Kiyoomi knows pretty intimately who is struggling and how - although he is positive that there are also students who need help who are not getting it.

“It's weird. It's weird how dating a student has never crossed my mind. Like, it's just so fucked up. As an adult, it's obvious how fucked up it is. Oh shit, the counseling chairs are getting to me. Sorry man.”

“No need to apologize. I agree. I think about how my mom just left me all alone to live in that barren room and take care of her. It's hard to imagine asking that of a child when you yourself are the adult.”

“Yeah.”

“Yeah.” Kiyoomi echos quietly.

“Can I ask how she passed?”

Kiyoomi grits his teeth. “She hung herself.”

“Oh, Kiyoomi.” Ataumu's eyes pierce into him.

“Yeah. I wasn't there for her.”

“You couldn't be, it nearly tore you apart that last time- well, that and me nearly tore you apart.”

Kiyoomi cringes, now they are really getting into the meat of their past relationship, “It wasn't you Atsumu.”

Atsumu shrugs,“We weren't going to work. You don't need to try and protect my ego now. If we didn't break up then, it just would have been later. We both needed to figure out how to manage our own stuff independent of each other.”

“It was hard.” Kiyoomi says.

“Yeah. It really was.”

They are both quiet for a moment. Atsumu chews and Kiyoomi looks down at his food.

“I never thanked you. You did so much for me when I was hurting the most. I'm sorry that I pushed you away like that, and I'm sorry I never said how much I appreciated what you did for me. Thank you.”

Atsumu actually stops eating for a moment. A rare sight.

“Kiyoomi…how much--”

Ataumu’s watch pings. Dammit. Lunch is over. Atsumu collects his food items, wiping down the table in between the chairs like he always does. Atsumu looks up at Kiyoomi and says, “You ‘doorknobbed’ that on purpose.”

Kiyoomi is stunned for a moment, ‘doorknobbing’ is therapist slang for when a client drops a bomb right in the last minute of a session. “How do you know what that is?”

Atsumu rolls his eyes, “You think I got this far without being intimately familiar with doorknobbing? Never had it thrown back at me though.”

All Kiyoomi can say is, “Oh.”

“See you Kiyoomi.” and he's out the door.

He had. He had totally doorknobbed that, he knew there was barely any time left for lunch. And fricken Atsumu called him out on it. The man brings up nerves that Kiyoomi hasn't felt in a while. He really doesn't want to mess this up a second time. He feels lucky that Atsumu even talks to him. Second only to letting his mom die, forcing Atsumu to go is his biggest regret in life.

…

Atsumu convinces him to come to the party. It's an after school hours, staff only holiday party. He successfully managed to get through November, the month that marks both of his parents passing. He continues to meet up for lunch with Atsumu, they talk about all the things under the sun. Students, volleyball games, their lives- Kiyoomi learns that post break up Atsumu started going to school part time to become a teacher. He, quote, “realized that anything could change at a moment's notice, he could become injured tomorrow and have no back up plan for volleyball.”

And he always loved literature. He was always reading and wanting to chat about his most recent book.

Somehow, Atsumu uses one of these lunches to convince Kiyoomi to RSVP for the staff holiday party. “It's fun! Everyone lets loose because there are no students. One year there was even a dance off.”

Kiyoomi thinks it sounds loud and horrible but he agrees to go.

It is indeed loud and horrible. Kiyoomi is up against an unfrequently visited wall, sipping some kind of spiced, spiked drink. A couple of acquaintances come up to speak with him. The drink helps loosen his tongue and he successfully chats with them. From his perch on the wall he is able to track Atsumu as he works the room. He is friendly with literally everyone. And whoever he talks to winds up smiling before he leaves for the next person. He makes people feel good. He also watches Atsumu finish cup after cup. He truly is an adult now, he can be responsible for himself.

Kiyoomi himself finds himself drinking more than he normally would. The spiced drink goes down easy, and helps existing at the party be more manageable. His attention is drawn to cheering from further in the room. He looks over to see Atsumu arm wrestling other teachers. He wins, easily, and the crowd of spectators erupts. So childish. His feet walk over. Before he realizes he plants himself in the opponent seat. The crowd “ooooh”s so dramatically. The health and wellness teacher announces the challenge, “Undefeated, volleyball champion, Miya Atsumu, versus Sakusa Kiyoomi, our kind hearted counselor.”

Atsumu looks giddy, his eyes alight with something Kiyoomi can't quite place. Atsumu places his hand forwards, elbow firmly planted on the table. “We've never done this before.”

Kiyoomi smirks, “What? You've never lost before? First time for everything, Miya.”

The crowd loses their minds over the dig from their reserved counselor. Kiyoomi gets his arm into position. This could really truly be a terrible idea. He has no idea how strong Atsumu currently is.

Their hands clasp together. The wellness teacher counts down, and then yells, “Fight”.

Atsumu keeps the most intense eye contact as he pushes against Kiyoomi’s hand. Holy Shit. Yeah he is definitely strong. Atsumu starts to take over, pushing Kiyoomi’s hand down. Kiyoomi locks his shoulder and pushes back, they wind up in the middle again, battling for an inch. Kiyoomi glances down at their latched hands and then back up to auburn eyes and a cheeky smile.

“Don't hold back,” Atsumu taunts, “I know you can go higher.”

Kiyoomi is momentarily flooded with memories of matching perfectly with this man. Of reaping the benefit of those perfect fingers sending the perfect toss. His hand smacks against the table. The crowd erupts. Kiyoomi sighs and shakes Atsumu's hand. “Nice kill” he says to a beaming Atsumu.

After their match the two men stay together for the rest of the party. Kiyoomi is thoroughly loosened up and finds himself loudly laughing at most of Atsumu's jokes.

“Did you let me win?”

“Hell no. You know I'm too prideful for that.”

The two of them are sitting side by side on a small couch. Both have drinks in their hands. They are pressed up against each side of the couch giving each other a few inches of space between their bodies. Even from here Kiyoomi can feel the heat that radiates off of Atsumu.

“Are you happy here? Do you think you will stay?”

Kiyoomi glances over, Atsumu is looking down into his cup, swirling the liquid gently.

“To be honest, I do really like it here. There is still a lot I need to figure out.”

“Takes at least a year to acclimate to a school and being a teacher.”

Kiyoomi shifts in his seat, “Would you want me to stay? I don't want to make your place of work awkward.”

Atsumu leans his head back against the headrest. “You really are still just as clueless as ever, huh?”

Kiyoomi blinks at him.

“Would I have arranged lunch together if I wanted to avoid ya?”

“I guess not.”

“There you go, use that brain of yours.”

Kiyoomi scoffs, and attempts to cover his frustrated blush with his cup as he takes a sip.

“You got any holiday plans?”

“I have been doing holidays with Motoya’s family the past few years. I will probably do that again. You?”

“I'll go visit Ma, Samu, Rin and Akari. She is so dang cute. She is 2 now.”

“Do you have pictures?”

“Heck yeah!” Atsumu pulls out his phone and scrolls through his photos, he pulls up a picture of the Akari and her dads.

Osamu and Rin are pressed up against each other, Osamu’s arm is looped around Rin’s waist, his other hand holding a small girl like she weighs nothing. Kiyoomi’s heart clenches. Osamu and Atsumu look so similar with both of their hair natural. Kiyoomi looks up from the phone to see Atsumu smiling gently down at the picture. He is going to be a dad someday.

“What is Akari like?”

“Oh man, she is so cool.” Atsumu leans his head into Kiyoomi’s shoulder as he continues to scroll through pictures, “She talks a ton and asks really tough questions, like why are some animals pets and others aren't. Makes you think. She is so creative and oh man she gives the best hugs.”

When Atsumu put his head on Kiyoomi's shoulder they shifted closer. Their legs touch, and Kiyoomi can feel the rumble of his deep voice when Atsumu talks. Don't read into it. He's just drunk and affectionate.

It's really the first time they have touched like this. That night in his office they didn't actually touch, the tension between them was as tight as the air between their bodies had been. They don't ever casually touch during school. Well, technically the arm wrestling was their first touch.

Kiyoomi tries to keep looking at the pictures, tries to listen to the voice, but his brain is focusing on all the parts of them that are in contact. Their thighs, his cheek on his shoulder, their arms are right up against each other, his dark hair tickles at Kiyoomi’s face. Don't read into it. Don't read into it.

Kiyoomi glances up and sees that the party has dwindled down significantly. He glances at the corner of Atsumu’s phone. Shit its late. And he is definitely not sober.

“What is it?”

Kiyoomi can feel the words as well as hear them.

“Huh?”

“You're nervous, what's up?”

“Oh,” he stills his fingers which had been rubbing together, “Just thinking about how I’ll get home.”

“I can drive you, and then bring you back for your car in the morning. I'm the reason You're here after all.”

Kiyoomi scoffs, “Doubt you're good to drive either.”

Atsumu sits up, “I don't drink anymore, stopped a few years ago.”

“Oh. Okay sure. I'll take you up on the offer” Don't read into it. Don't read into it.

“I live close by. Do you want to crash at my place or have me take you to yours?”

Don't read into it.

Kiyoomi doesn't live particularly close to school…”How close are you?”

“About a 10 minute drive.”

“You sure it's okay for me to crash?”

“Wouldn't have offered otherwise.” Atsumu stands and stretches, reaching up high. He sighs and lets his arms back down. “Shall we?”

“Is it going to look weird if we leave together?”

Atsumu turns and gives him a sympathetic look, “You sure do worry a lot, huh?”

Kiyoomi’s jaw clenches. He does. Atsumu knows he does.

Atsumu starts walking and Kiyoomi follows.
What the hell am I getting myself into, Kiyoomi wonders.

Chapter Text

Atsumu pulls the car into a driveway of a small house. “Do you own this?”

Atsumu hums as affirmation. Woah. They both exit the car and Atsumu unlocks the front door, “I wasn't expecting company, so let me know if anything needs to be…different.”

Kiyoomi feels himself bristle at the comment, even though it is actually so kind. Atsumu lets him walk in first. The house is so nice and despite the warning it is extremely clean.

“Do you want to shower?”

“Yes please.”

“Come, let's get you some clothes.”

Kiyoomi follows Atsumu through the house into a bedroom. He goes into the dresser and pulls out some clothes. He holds them up for a moment against Kiyoomi’s frame and nods. Kiyoomi takes a minute to look around. It's a really nice space. Atsumu catches him looking. “I'll change the sheets, you'll be in here.”

“Oh, really no need. I'm okay.”

Atsumu shrugs, “Let me know if you change your mind. Bathroom is over here.”

Kiyoomi is led to a small, simple bathroom with a tub and shower. “Towel, clothes, um, anything else?”

“No, thank you.”

Atsumu quietly walks out and closes the door behind him.

Just being nice. He's just being nice. Wait, why is Atsumu giving him the bed? Where is Atsumu going to sleep?...What if Atsumu assumes they will sleep together? No it hadn't seemed like he meant that…as much as Kiyoomi would secretly enjoy that.

Kiyoomi showers, all the products smell like Atsumu does. It's a comforting smell. He is very thankful that Atsumu is giving him the chance to shower. It not something he needed but it is really nice. He is really glad that Atsumu convinced him to go to the party, he had a really good time.

He finishes and puts on the borrowed clothes. They fit decently well. He finds Atsumu sitting at a desk in his bedroom, typing quickly on his laptop. He looks up and shuts the computer, “My turn then.”

Atsumu stands and goes to pass Kiyoomi, “Hey.”

Atsumu pauses and looks at him.

“Why are you giving me the bed?”

“Um, it is polite? I don't have a guest room, so…”

“Where will you sleep?”

“The couch.”

“Atsu-”

“It's fine.” He says dryly.

Atsumu continues on to the bathroom.

Great job Kiyoomi. Greeeat job.

He looks around the room now that he is alone. There are some pictures on the wall of Atsumu’s family. Lots of books on a bookshelf. He pulls out some titles and reads the backs. He has a wide variety of genres.

“Anything catch your eye?” Atsumu has come in behind him in a towel. He goes into his dresser and pulls out some clothes for himself.

“Any recommendations?” Kiyoomi keeps his eyes trained on the books while he hears Atsumu dress behind him.

“That one in your hand is pretty good, kept me guessing the whole way through.”

Kiyoomi lays his hand over the book, “Atsumu, what are we doing?”

Atsumu is quiet behind him. Kiyoomi turns. Atsumu is dressed, leaning against the wall, arms crossed over his chest. “What do you want to be doing?”

Kiyoomi tries to read his expression, tries to figure out what the right answer is. Kiyoomi must run out of time because Atsumu sighs and moves to the bed to grab a pillow.

Kiyoomi’s brain is still swimming a little from the alcohol. He feels desperate and brave. Atsumu stands at the bed, rearranging the pillows to get the one he wants. Kiyoomi stands up and brings himself directly behind the other man. When Atsumu turns they are face to face, “Woah.” He says, looking up slightly to meet Kiyoomi’s eyes. “Hey there.”

“Hey.” He watches Atsumu's face, looking for any discomfort. Mostly he sees curiosity. “You should stay. I bet your couch sucks.”

Atsumu sits down on the edge of the bed, he is now angling his head more sharply to keep looking up at Kiyoomi. “Are you asking me to sleep with ya?”

“Yes. Just sleeping.”

Atsumu does a pretend pout and lets out a sigh. “So you'd let me fuck you on your desk but you want to just sleep beside me?”

Kiyoomi feels his face heat. He probably looks red. How can Atsumu just say that?

“I…I don't want to mess this up. Mess us up.”

Ataumu's face softens, “God dammit” he whispers. “Are we really gonna do this? Again?”

Kiyoomi bites his lip. He can't tell if Atsumu wants to - or is disturbed by the idea.

“If I told ya I just wanted sex, no relationship, what would you say?”

Kiyoomi looks down at him. At the man who still holds his heart. “I would say no.” Kiyoomi forces his gaze away. He won't lie. He won't pretend. He won't be anything except genuine. And if it's not to be, that's okay.

Hands grab his hips and pull him down onto the bed. He lands on top of Atsumu, startled, his hands planted on either side of that beautiful face.

“I'm different.” Atsumu says, hands still latched onto his hip bones.

“I know.” Kiyoomi whispers.

“You're different.”

“Yes.”

“Neither of us ever found anyone else.”

“Honestly, Atsumu, there could never be anyone else.”

Those strong hands pull him down harder and Atsumu raises his head to kiss him. Atsumu had always been a talented kisser, but this confidence brings it to another level. Kiyoomi is immediately groaning, the hands on his hips grab harder, “Fuck Omi.”

Hearing his name gasped out like that is the last straw. He pulls back to rest his forehead onto Atsumu's shoulder. He hears a quiet chuckle in his ear, “You good?”

“Yeah, just, god, I never thought I'd hear that again.” his voice is muffled by Atsumu’s body.

“Hey.” Atsumu’s voice is serious. Kiyoomi pulls his head up to look at the man below him. “Let's let you sleep, and see if you still want this in the morning.”

“I will.”

“We will see.” Atsumu taps him and Kiyoomi immediately gets off. That earns him a genuine smile. “Lay down.”

Kiyoomi follows the direction and climbs into bed. Atsumu returns with a glass of water and has him drink it. The empty glass is put on the nightstand and Atsumu climbs under the covers too.

“Goodnight Kiyoomi”

“Goodnight Atsumu.”

…

“Hello.”

“Do you have a minute?”

“Sure, sure just feeding Akira before I drop her off at preschool. What's up?

Atsumu is huddled out on his deck while Kiyoomi sleeps in.

“So you know the school I work at?”

“Yes…”

“We got a new counselor in October and I never mentioned this to you because I just knew you would get all over my case, but the new counselor is Kiyoomi…”

The line is dead quiet. “Atsumu.”

“I know I know, it's a terrible idea. I'm going to do it anyway. If he still wants to when he sobers up.”

“Dude I nursed you through that broken heart for months.”

“I know. I know. Believe me I know.”

Atsumu can hear the painfully long inhale and exhale from his brother.

“I'm going to get a migraine.”

Atsumu rolls his eyes, “drama queen.”

“I'm going to repeat that back to you when you're crying your eyes out over the same man for a second time.”

That shuts Atsumu up.

“Also, you're going to date a coworker again? Did you hit your head as a kid? Are you incapable of learning?”

“If anything you're the one that hit me in the head.”

“Atsumu, I'm being serious. I'm being so serious. Don't do this to yourself.”

“My gut is saying I have to try. That the timing was just wrong the first time. That we both needed to do our work before ‘we’ could work.”

Atsumu hears Rin in the background, and then his brother saying, “Atsumu is just telling me about how he's going to date Kiyoomi again. No, I wish I were kidding.”

“I thought siblings were supposed to be supportive.” Atsumu whines.

“Yes, that doesn't mean I'm going to support every idiot thing you do. Idiot.”

Atsumu groans. This is not how he wanted this to go. “Hey. Loser. I love you. Even when you make the worst decisions.”

He hears Osamu sigh, “It's so hard being the perfect twin.” Atsumu hangs up. Fuck. He wants to drink. He wants to not have the full ability to think. He groans and goes back inside to the warm house.

…

The noise of something falling wakes him. He jolts up, he lives alone, what the fuck was that? He gets a look at his surroundings and…this is not his apartment. He sees the pictures on the wall - oh yeah, he went home with Atsumu, and then convinced him to sleep next to him, and then they kissed.

His hand comes up and runs through his hair, sleeping on it wet made it dry all sorts of weird. He runs his finger tips along his buzzed portion of hair on his neck, Atsumu had pulled him down and kissed him. Really kissed him. And called him Omi again.

Atsumu hadn't been drunk, hadn't even been intoxicated, stone cold sober. Atsumu had said that they would check in this morning when Kiyoomi was sober too. He's not here now, he is probably the cause of the banging from earlier.

Kiyoomi looks at the door. Last night had really happened. He scrambles through the sheets frantically looking for his phone, when he finally finds it to text Motoya he sees a message from Osamu.

“Be fucking careful. He was always too good for you.”

Shit. That takes the wind right out of his sails. He puts his phone back down. It's true. Atsumu deserves so much more. He can't do that again though. He can't decide for Atsumu what he wants.

There is another clanging noise from further in the house. Kiyoomi investigates and finds Atsumu on his tiptoes, atop a step ladder, just barely able to reach the ceiling light above him. He is reaching as far as he can, his shirt riding up and showing off a smooth stomach. It's not toned like it was back then, but it's still really…something. Atsumu catches sight of him and contracts back to normal posture.

“Hey, help yourself to coffee.”

“What are you doing?”

“Oh, the light went out, I'm changing it.”

Now? Kiyoomi wonders. He looks at the distance between Atsumu and the ceiling. “Want me to try?”

“Nope, go wake up. I'll be done in a minute.”

Kiyoomi quietly continues into the kitchen for coffee. Of course Atsumu would be a French press kind of person. Kiyoomi pours himself some and…damn, it's good, smooth, hardly any acidity. He warms his fingers around the hot mug and enjoys the moment of being by himself.

The tinkling sound of glass breaking interrupts the quiet moment, “Shit!”. The cup is immediately put down and Kiyoomi rushes to the sound, “Stop!” Atsumu is crouched on the step ladder, holding a hand up to Kiyoomi. “Are you okay? Kiyoomi automatically asks.

“I'm fine, just dropped it.”

Kiyoomi looks down and there is indeed a spread of small bits of white glass.

“Where is your broom?”

“You don't have to help.”

Kiyoomi looks from the mess up to Atsumu who is basically stuck on the step ladder, “You don't have to do it alone.”

Atsumu keeps his eyes trained on Kiyoomi for a moment before he says, “Hall closet.”

Kiyoomi side steps the mess and goes to get the broom. He starts sweeping and once he is in arm's length of Atsumu the stick is taken from his hands. Atsumu finishes the job, awkwardly perched on the ladder. Kiyoomi steps back to look for the vacuum next.

They finish the job and Atsumu climbs all the way down. He walks into the kitchen and pours himself a mug of coffee. He seems pissed. Atsumu continues to move swiftly throughout the kitchen, he pulls out eggs and goes to the shove. “You know, I would have been fine,” he finally says.

Oh. Atsumu feels embarrassed. “I know.” Kiyoomi reassures, “You're one of the most capable people I know.”

Atsumu keeps his back to him, “How do you want your eggs?”

The response is automatic “Usual please.”

Atsumu nods and sets to work.

Kiyoomi leans his back against the counter, coffee in hand, the sound of food sizzling in the pan. It's so domestic. It's so ‘them’. He looks at Atsumu's back. Their history is so…raw and deep. I kept you in this world, Kiyoomi thinks. I'm so thankful you're in this world, even if it's not with me. He quickly wipes the tears from his eyes and moves out of the kitchen. He finds a small two person nook for eating and sits. Kiyoomi steels himself, all I can do is be honest and genuine. The rest is up to Atsumu.

…

God that was dumb. He pushes the eggs around as he stews. It was dumb to pick that stupid moment to change the stupid lightbulb. He had just been getting so antsy waiting for Kiyoomi to wake up he had started doing odd jobs around the house.

He takes a deep breath. It's fine. He plates the food and carries it all into his dining nook. Kiyoomi is already there looking out the window while he sips coffee.

“How did you sleep?” He asks as he takes his seat.

“Good, you?”

“Fine.”

Kiyoomi does that head tilt of his, but interrupts it to nod when he is handed his food.

Atsumu watches him take a careful bite.

“So,” Atsumu begins, “do you remember what we talked about last night?”

A slight blush rises to his cheeks, “Yes. I still want to.”

Atsumu feels relief, but also a pang of anxiety. It took him a long time to recover from Kiyoomi.

“How serious are you?” Atsumu asks. He tried to gauge it last night but Kiyoomi is sober now, “because I'm not inter-”

“So serious.”

Their eyes meet. Kiyoomi’s are dark and intense. He looks…worried. Atsumu feels his heart clench as he looks into those eyes. Could you be my person again?

Chapter Text

Those intense dark eyes bore into him. He bites his bottom lip. Why? Why does Kiyoomi want to try again? He is the one who…

“We are going to have to talk about it then.”

“It?”

“All of it, all the things that didn't work the first time.”

Kiyoomi swallows, “O-okay.”

Atsumu will start off easy, “Like the trauma I forced you to endure when you found me.

“Atsumu it wasn't like that-”

“This isn't going to work if we try to protect each other like that.”

Kiyoomi looks down and scratches his forehead.

“I don't know what to say.” Kiyoomi says quietly.

“Just start with something, I'm not expecting us to go over everything right now.”

Kiyoomi looks out the window, his fingers rubbing together on either side of his plate.

“I'm still really weird about blood.”

“Reframe.”

Kiyoomi looks at him. “You know too much therapy talk.” Atsumu just shrugs.

“I still struggle with the sight of blood.”

“Okay, what else?”

Kiyoomi breathes in deeply, and releases through his nose, “I'm always afraid that people will suddenly be gone. My situation with my mom only made that worse.”

Atsumu watches the hurt move across his face. He lays his hand out as an invitation. Kiyoomi glances up at his eyes before he takes it. His fingers are cold.

“I have nightmares. They got a lot less frequent until recently. I think seeing you everyday got my brain going.”

His voice shakes at the end. Time to give him a break.

“Thank you, you don't have to be done, but it seems like you might want a break.”

Kiyoomi nods, his face angled down.

“Finish eating, eggs are no good cold.”

Kiyoomi picks up his utensil and keeps going, almost robotically. Atsumu clears the plates when they are done and goes to finish washing up the kitchen. Kiyoomi joins him, taking the dishware and drying it. Atsumu sighs as he finishes the last dish, dries his own hands, and leans gently against the shoulder next to him. Omi. You're really here.

“I have an idea.”

…

Atsumu uses his ring of keys to unlock the large gymnasium door. He slides it to the side and flips on the lights. The hardwood floors are illuminated by the ceiling high yellow lights. It's not a glorious space but glorious things happen here.

“How long has it been since you played?”

Kiyoomi wanders in behind him, looking all around, “Last time I played you were on the bench.”

Atsumu turns to look at him. Is this guy for real? He just up and stopped playing volleyball completely? The thought is incredibly sad, “Why?” He asks.

Kiyoomi has wandered to the middle of what would be the center court. “It…it felt like I didn't deserve it.”

What the fuck does that mean? How can you not deserve volleyball? He was one of the top spikers in the league.

“But you still work out, you could have beat me last night.”

Kiyoomi nods, “I have to, although it's nothing like what we used to do for training. If I don't my body gets all…” he flips his hands in the air, a vague motion that translates to ‘bad’.

“Well shit, I thought it could be fun to toss the ball around a bit but you're going to be rusty as hell.” It's a tactic he would have used in the past, a slight dig to get the competitive side of Kiyoomi to bite.

Kiyoomi just glances at him and says “Yeah.” There is no soul in the word, no fight, no combativeness, just…dull and empty.

The response almost makes Atsumu…angry. Who the fuck took volleyball away from Kiyoomi? Who took the fight out of him?

“What did you mean when you said you didn't deserve it?”

Kiyoomi suddenly looks very uncomfortable, “Can we step out?”

“Sure…”

Kiyoomi exits and sits on the steps leading up to the gym. Atsumu sits next to him. The concrete is freezing and Atsumu shivers despite his winter coat.

“Atsumu, what I did to you was terrible. I hadn't wanted to break up. But whenever I looked at you, you seemed so…tired and lifeless, like I had been sucking you dry.”

Kiyoomi takes a deep breath, the air puffing back out as a white cloud, “I said awful things to convince you to go. I hadn't given you the choice. I had made it for you. I'm so sorry. I'm so fucking sorry.”

The ache of that breakup has long since softened, but it never melted away completely. Atsumu had always wondered if what Kiyoomi had said was the full truth, the true reason.

“Was any of what you said a lie?”

Kiyoomi is quiet, Atsumu can tell he is collecting his thoughts.

“None of it was a pure lie. I twisted the truth to hurt you.”

Atsumu leans back. Damn. He honestly had been hoping that the pictures thing had been a lie. He knew better than to hope, it was way too specific to be made up. He had seen, and his brain had forced him to see it again and again and again. OCD sounds like one’s own personal hell. The only person who knows how to torture you that perfectly is yourself.

“Does your brain still show you the pictures?”

“I only saw one.”

Atsumu turns. Damn bastard. He punches Kiyoomi lightly in the arm. “You let me believe all these years you had seen everything?”

“...yes.”

Atsumu ruffles his own hair while he looks down at the steps, “That was mean.”

“I know. I'm sorry.”

“Which one?”

Kiyoomi pauses, his voice catches as he says, “The most recent one.”

Atsumu closes his eyes. Of fucking course. The only one he himself has never seen. The one that Kiyoomi felt guilty over not having stopped.

“Was that the only one he sent you?”

“No, he really did send them all I think.”

“Why that one then?”

Atsumu watches Kiyoomi’s fingers dig into the fabric on his knees. “It was the first one he had sent, above it was a message, I didn't cover the picture fast enough. I'm sorry.”

“Thank you.”

He can tell that it surprises Kiyoomi.

“Even then you tried to protect my privacy. You could have looked. Any normal person would have.”

“I disagree.”

“The fact that you think that makes it all the more obvious how good you are.”

“I'm really n-”

“Just shut up.” Atsumu doesn't say it mean, more like, knock it off.

Kiyoomi does indeed shut up.

“So, you twisted the truth, pushed me away because you thought you were hurting me, and used that as a reason to say you didn't deserve happiness?”

Kiyoomi continues to shut up. Atsumu rolls his eyes. “I am officially releasing you from being undeserving. I am officially forgiving you for breaking my heart with the stupidest intentions. I am officially demanding that you go inside and play with me.”

Kiyoomi turns to him, mouth open, eyes wide, “I don't need you to forgive me, you shouldn't say that if you don't mean it.”

Atsumu cocks his head, “I can forgive past you for doing his best. I'm going to hold current you to a higher standard though. No more making decisions for me. If you break up with me again, it had better be for you.”

“For you too.” Kiyoomi says

Atsumu starts to stand, stretching out his back, “I'm not the one with a track record here. Come and play. I'm dying to see how much you suck.”

Atsumu slides the door back open and goes inside, leaving Kiyoomi on the steps.

Honestly, he had forgiven Kiyoomi a long time ago. Atsumu knew that things were terrible and that Kiyoomi was feeling out of control. Atsumu had kind of assumed that the breakup was Kiyoomi’s desperate attempt to control something, anything, and terminating a relationship is a quick way to get that ‘control’ fix. Even thinking it had been for that reason Atsumu had forgiven him - this new knowledge only makes it more clear. Kiyoomi loved him until the last minute. He loved him so much he self sabotaged. It was the right person but wrong time. Kiyoomi has always been the right person.

…

God, Kiyoomi really does suck. They bump back and forth, and each bump from Kiyoomi is so off. It either has no power or goes the total wrong way. So many years away must make the body forget the muscle memory.

“Yeah, maybe it's a good thing you don't come by practice.”

“Ugh, I'm so bad.” Kiyoomi flubs another bump.

Atsumu runs to catch it before it lands and sets it back, “Did you miss it?”

Kiyoomi manages to get this one and it's not half bad. Well, it's not good, but it's not bad.

“At first I missed it so much. Especially parts that I had taken for granted, like the other teammates and having a tired body afterwards. Kiyoomi bumps it high and Atsumu tosses it back. Kiyoomi switches to an overhand too.

“I really missed you. I missed syncing up with you. There isn't quite anything like that in normal life.”

His overhands are better than his bumps.

“I missed you too,” Atsumu confesses, “you had become an equal partner in my life.”

Atsumu sets short on purpose. Jump Omi. Jump for me.

Kiyoomi lunges forwards and tries to get low for it instead. He ends up being short, the ball bounces into his knee. He is breathing hard despite this barely being practice. “I'm sorry.” He says as he picks up the ball. He holds onto it, not putting it back into play right away, “I regretted it almost as soon as I did it. Possibly even while I was doing it.”

Ataumu's hand comes to rest on his hip. “You had my number.”

“It didn't feel right to do that to you.”

Atsumu slowly blinks at him. “Well, it's years past now, all we can do is try to not make the same mistakes.”

Kiyoomi is still holding the ball, “I’d rather not make new mistakes either.”

“Well that's a tall order for both of us.”

Kiyoomi glares down at the ball.

Atsumu walks closer to him, “Hey,” Kiyoomi looks up, “I don't need ya to be perfect. Lord knows I'm not. What I need is for you to be honest.” He continues to step closer till he is face to face with the scowling man. He takes the ball and drops it to the floor.

He looks into those eyes and they soften immediately. “I can do that.” Kiyoomi whispers, as he glances briefly down to Atsumu's lips.

Atsumu smiles, lets put that honesty to the test, “Are you thinking about kissing me?”

“I am…”

His smirk grows, “What are you going to do about it?”

Kiyoomi glances away, “Nothing, we are at school.”

“Hmm, how considerate.” He brings a hand up to cup Kiyoomi’s face and turn him back forwards, “I don't need ya to do that though.”

Kiyoomi makes eye contact, as if checking to see if the statement was true, and leans forwards. Atsumu feels his stomach flip as warm and so fucking soft lips press into his. It's not like last night, which Atsumu had turned urgent, this is slow. Ataumu's hand is still on his cheek. He moves his hand a little further sliding his fingers over Kiyoomi’s ear and into his hair. A hand comes to rest on Atsumu’s hip and Atsumu swears he could melt. He has messed around a lot in the past 6 years, and so much of it was so fun, but none of it felt deep like this. None of it felt close like this. He wants to press himself so firmly into Kiyoomi that they can't separate anymore. I want him, Atsumu thinks, God I want him.

Atsumu pulls back, and takes in a gasping inhale when he sees the look on Kiyoomi’s face. Fuck. He's going to break his rule if they don't stop. He moves his hand to Kiyoomi’s shoulder and keeps a few inches of space between them. “Fuck” he whispers.

“Okay?” Kiyoomi asks, pulling his hand off of Atsumu's hip.

“Yeah, just, did it always feel like that?”

“I don't think so.”

Atsumu blows out a breath of air, “We are in trouble.”

Kiyoomi tilts his head. Adorable. Atsumu clarifies, “We never got that far, the first time…”

“Oh,” Kiyoomi says, and then again more slowly as he comes to understand, “Oh.”

Atsumu chuckles and takes a step back.

“We should probably start our holidays.”

Kiyoomi gives him a soft smile and nods, “Thank you for giving me another chance.”

“Thank YOU for giving me another chance.”

Chapter Text

It is an uneventful holiday. Atsumu comes back to school with dozens of pictures of Akari to show off. He really loves his niece, she is so special. When he looks at her he sees Osamu, and himself.

He bursts into Kiyoomi’s office early in the morning and finds it empty. Usually the dark haired man beats him to school, considering that Ataumu leaves at the very last minute. They didn't talk over break, even when they were originally together they didn't text or call really. Atsumu thinks that the days apart are probably good, time for both of them to make sure this is what they really want.

Atsumu sits in his comfy chair and drinks his coffee. T-minus 15 minutes till the goblins arrive. The goblins that he loves to see. He actually kind of missed them over the break. He gets antsy when his routine is thrown off.

He hears keys jingling outside of the door “Open!” He calls out. Kiyoomi enters and gives him a weird look, “Good morning” Atsumu says with a smile.

“Good morning to you.” Kiyoomi answers. So formal. Atsumu rolls his eyes.

Kiyoomi closes and locks the door behind him. He always locks it, no need for students or staff to burst in on a therapy session. The sound of the lock twists something in Atsumu's stomach. Kiyoomi always locks it. Chill out.

Kiyoomi goes to his desk and starts to unpack his bag. He pulls out his laptop and gets it set up on his desk. “How was your holiday?” Atsumu asks.

“Fine, yours?”

“It was good, I love hanging out with my niece. I have loads of pictures to force you to look at.”

Kiyoomi nods and stays standing behind his desk, “How is Osamu?”

“He's fine, restaurant is doing super well, so he is pleased.” Kiyoomi doesn't often inquire about his brother. Atsumu looks up to see the worried look on his face.

Atsumu leans back, “I haven't changed my mind, if that's what's worrying ya.”

Kiyoomi sucks in a breath, “I was wondering if Osamu had talked any sense into you.”

“Oh he tried to. But I'm stubborn when I know what I want.” That earns him a huffing laugh and Kiyoomi joins him in a comfy chair. “I haven't changed my mind either.”

Ataumu’s mouth is forced naturally into a huge smile, “Thank God.”

Kiyoomi glances up to meet his eyes and he looks… shy? Sheepish? Embarrassed?

Atsumu checks his watch. He should already be in his classroom. “Lunch?” He asks and Kiyoomi confirms the time. Atsumu lets himself out and mentally gets ready for a crazy fucking first day back.

Lunch cannot come fast enough. These kids are way too well rested, Atsumu thinks as he redirects them back to the assignment. Reacclimating back to the school routine is hard for everyone, teachers included. Plus Atsumu has how he and Omi left things off resting heavily on his mind. He knows he's not in the best headspace to have a genuine conversation but it's lunch time.

He knocks and hears Kiyoomi walk up to the door. It unlocks and Atsumu is let inside. He hears the door close and lock behind him. His stomach jolts again. Atsumu gently bites his tongue. Focus.

…

Atsumu stiffly sits down in his chair. He pulls out his food and gets busy eating.

Kiyoomi takes the other seat. This is their routine. He lets Atsumu eat- more like shovel- food into his mouth for a minute, and then they can talk.

He watches Atsumu glances at the door. He does that when he secretly has work to do but has chosen to eat with Kiyoomi instead.

“Busy day?” Kiyoomi asks.

“Ugh yeah, I always forget how the kids are after a break.” He glances at the door again.

“Do you have work you need to be doing?”

“What? No, thankfully.”

So he's claiming he doesn't have any work to do…so why is he so antsy? Is it just their awkwardness as they figure it out?”

“Can I see those pictures of Akari?”

That lights up Atsumu. He pulls out his phone and starts going through a folder of pictures, showing and explaining each one to Kiyoomi. It looks like Atsumu got a lot of uncle time over the break - he probably watched her while her dads were at work and preschool was closed. Some of the pictures really feel like a punch in the gut. Like the one of Akari passed out sleeping on his chest, “I had really tuckered her out at the park, we got back and before I knew it she was asleep.”

“She looks just like you.” Kiyoomi says before he can stop himself.

Ataumu's fingers hesitate before he slides to the next picture. It's Akari on his shoulders, little legs dangling next to his neck, as they take a selfie with a zebra.

“Zoo day.” Atsumu says quietly. Atsumu is a bit quieter as he shows the last few photos. He puts his phone back in his pocket. He again glances at the door.

“Come here a sec. I have something to show you too.”

Kiyoomi stands and goes to his laptop on his desk. Kiyoomi opens it and clicks through his email for one from Motoya. Atsumu walks up but stands a decent distance away. Kiyoomi waves him closer, trying to show that he doesn't need the personal space.

Atsumu takes another step closer until he is also behind the desk. He opens the email and starts to open the images, “Motoya dug these up for me.”

It's pictures of them from the Jackals. Motoya went to as many games as he could, taking candids of the games and celebratory photos afterwards. “Woah” Atsumu says and he leans in close. Kiyoomi can smell his shampoo. They are looking at a picture of Atsumu and Kiyoomi on the court. Atsumu had just set, back to the camera, head tilted back to watch, and Kiyoomi, slightly blurry, sweeps his arm forwards to hit the ball. It's an incredible photo. It shows off their coordination together, the moment before they connect, the only distance between them, the space the ball had to travel.

Atsumu is still leaning closely to look, “The kids would lose their minds over this.”

Kiyoomi leans back in his chair a little, he knows what he wants to say, the idea he has been mulling over all winter break, “Would you ever want…help with the team?”

Ataumu's head turns, body still facing the desk, “Are you sayin’ what I think you're saying? Are you thinking of coaching?”

“I doubt I'd be much help, but…you did relinquish me of being undeserving.”

That earns him a laugh and that gorgeous smile, “We would love to have ya, nothing is expected though.” The phrase he had always been saying to Atsumu, thrown back at him.

“I think I'd like to.”

“Oh my God, can I give you a dramatic reveal? Send me this picture!”

“That sounds really, truly, unnecessary…”

Atsumu has pushed himself forwards and is typing quickly to forward the email to himself.

“Hey! That's rude!” Kiyoomi tries to reach around him to block his hands from continuing. Atsumu elbows him slightly and continues his rampage. There is a knock at the door and Atsumu freezes.

Kiyoomi freezes too, did he lock the door? Because right now Atsumu is bent over slightly, hands on the laptop with Kiyoomi sitting in the chair behind him, also reaching forwards. It's…a compromising situation to say the least. That's when Kiyoomi notices that Atsumu is still frozen, staring at the door. Oh shit. Kiyoomi pushes his chair back, putting distance between himself and Atsumu.

“One minute,” Kiyoomi calls out. People have knocked before, interrupted their lunch before and everytime Atsumu didn't care, didn't bat an eye.

Kiyoomi rounds the desk to see Atsumu’s face. His gaze stays trained on the door, glancing briefly at Kiyoomi and then back. He suddenly right his posture and comes out from behind the desk. He grabs his lunch and starts to walk towards the door. He stops short. Kiyoomi really isn't sure what to do. He knows what he would have done in the past, but…they haven't talked about any of this yet. Atsumu turns to him, “Sit down.” Kiyoomi obeys.

Atsumu unlocks and opens the door, he greets the person and leaves. A student pokes their head in, “Come in, just finishing my lunch.” Kiyoomi says warmly as he packs up his food.

…

Kiyoomi wanders to Atsumu’s classroom after the last kids have been dismissed for the day. He is sitting, leafing through stapled packets as he makes notes on his laptop. Kiyoomi knocks quietly on the door and Atsumu startles. “Oh hey,” he gestures to come in and continues to go through his packets. “Just finishing this grading then I'm going to head to practice.”

“You kinda freaked out.”

Atsumu glances at the doorway and then back to his laptop, “I did. I don't want to do lunch in there, at least for a while.”

“That's okay”

“I'm going to eat in the teacher's lounge, you're welcome to join us, you have an official invitation as a non-teacher.”

“Thanks, can I come to practice?”

Atsumu glances up at him briefly, “Sure, just watching or are you being introduced?”

Kiyoomi groans, “Are you really going to make a big deal out of it?”

“Absolutely. Kids thrive on drama.”

“Fine. Introduce me. Let's get it over with.”

…

“Alright, quiet!” His tone commands the group and they silence immediately. Atsumu gives a sly smile, “Some of you may have seen Sakusa Sensei around school, he is our counselor. He is here to talk to you guys about your feelings,” the kids shift uncomfortably. Kiyoomi shifts uncomfortably. “Firstly we are going to let Sakusa Sensei introduce himself, he put together a slideshow of pictures. You will be silent while he talks. Got it?” The students nod. Kiyoomi glances over to Atsumu, he is obviously holding back a mischievous grin. He loves this. He loves what he does.

Atsumu turns on the projector and the blank wall is filled with the picture they looked at earlier. The students erupt into shrill screaming. “I knew it! I knew it! You all said I was crazy!” One kid yells, pointing at another, “It is him!” Some of the kids start to stand and Atsumu barks, “Down!” They sit, smiles wide across their faces. Atsumu clicks to the next photo, it's Kiyoomi’s stats page from his time on the Jackals, his height, weight, position, and abilities diagram. The students erupt all over again. Kiyoomi catches Atsumu watching him, a dopey smile on his face. He's enjoying this, enjoying making me suffer so publicly, Kiyoomi thinks.

“Now,” the students silence immediately, “Sakusa Sensei is a busy person, so he may not be here as often as me, but when he is here you will show him the utmost respect. Clear?” Lots of heads nod.

Atsumu clicks to the next picture, it's his own stats page, “I'm still your ultimate Sensei, notice how I have two maxed out abilities while Sakusa-sensei only has one?”

The students look up at Atsumu stunned. Kiyoomi finds himself doing the same.

Atsumu meets his eye contact, a clear challenge on his face, “Shall we show him what we can do?”

The students collectively yell, “Hai” and scramble up to get the net set.

Kiyoomi watches the students work together to get the gym ready. Atsumu comes to stand next to him, arms folded over his chest. “Nice and simple huh? Didn't embarrass you too much I hope.”

Kiyoomi looks over at him, “You are a monster.”

Atsumu throws his head back and laughs. Some of the students look over, weary of their intense but loving coach.

“You love that about me,” Atsumu says right before he stalks off to start barking orders.

Lord only knows how much I really do, Kiyoomi thinks.

…

Kiyoomi’s thoughts swirl as he watches the students enthusiastically clean the gym. They really are a dedicated bunch, a few have what seems to be raw gross motor talent, and for many it is success through sheer practice by trial and error.

He had a few students come up to introduce themselves, he wasn't quite sure how to respond so he kept the interactions short.

“They good enough for ya?” Atsumu asks, hand on hip.

“They are crazy.” Kiyoomi says.

“Don't I know it.” Atsumu says with a huge smile. Atsumu pivots to stand next to Kiyoomi and says, “You hungry? Watching them always makes me starving.”

Kiyoomi keeps watching, his hands folded together behind his back, “Depends, what do you have in mind?” It doesn't actually depend. Kiyoomi would probably say yes to anything.

“I could cook for ya or we could sit down somewhere.”

“I know you can cook, I'd rather do that.” Kiyoomi knows it's a selfish choice. If they go to Atsumu’s place the chances of them actually talking…and maybe kissing again sharply increases.

“Alright then, let me get them finished up.”

Chapter Text

Whatever he is making smells fucking amazing. Kiyoomi tries to entertain himself on the couch but he gets bored. He wanders into the kitchen under the guise of getting more water. Atsumu has chicken bathed in a simmering yellow sauce, the smell is even more incredible in here.

“You know,” Atsumu says over the soft cooking noises, “I'm not fragile and you don't need to wait for me to start everything.”

Kiyoomi sips his water. He doesn't need me to do anything but be honest, and trust his honesty too. Kiyoomi puts his glass down and walks up behind Atsumu. He slowly wraps his hands around his middle and presses his chest against Atsumu’s back. Atsumu hums contentedly and leans his head back against a shoulder, “Are you real? Is this really real?”. Kiyoomi feels his chest tighten, “It's real.” Atsumu tilts his head back to the food and jostles the pan a little, making sure nothing is sticking.

“Can we talk about what happened in my office?”

Atsumu nods as he picks up the cooking spoon. “Yeah, we should. God, I got so good at avoiding triggers. I think having us be ‘official’ makes it different when we are in a locked room together at school.”

“That is okay.” He squeezes him around the middle a little.

“Kiyoomi.”

“Yes?”

Atsumu taps him and Kiyoomi steps back to his water glass and leans against the counter.

“Today, in your office, I felt like a secret. I could tell you got startled too. I'm not going to be able to do this-” Atsumu takes a breath and Kiyoomi’s heart aches, “I can't be a secret. And it's really different to be…out at school. So I want you to think about that. You're new, still figuring things out, so…just think about it.”

Kiyoomi feels so sad. So sad that Atsumu felt like that.

“Please don't try and decide tonight. I need you to really think about it.”

Kiyoomi swallows against the lump in his throat, “Okay Atsu, thank you for telling me.”

Atsumu nods and keeps idly stirring their dinner. “It's almost ready, will you get some bowls out?”

They sit down to eat and Kiyoomi groans, it's so fucking good, “When did you learn to cook like this?”

Atsumu chuckles but doesn't answer the question. “How did it feel to have a whole gang of highschool boys fawning over you?”

“Augh, it was so awkward.”

“If you stay, they will get used to you and calm down a lot.”

“I'd like to stay. Watching them…it felt good, like a part of me clicked back into place.”

“Coaching is really special, you get to share in each of their individual victories. I think you'll really like it.”

“You are really good at it.” Kiyoomi comments.

Atsumu taps the table with his free hand, “If you decide that you don't want to have a public relationship…do you think we will stay friends? Oh sorry, I'm not supposed to make you decide, just know that I'd want to be friends, if you do too.”

Kiyoomi takes a deep breath in. It's hard to listen to Atsumu's rule about not deciding tonight. He already knows what he wants. “Atsumu, I want to do anything I can to stay in your life.”

Atsumu squeezes his eyes shut. “You said that last time.” Oh.

“I'm sorry.” Kiyoomi feels his own eyes beginning to water. Atsumu sighs, “Sorry, it's not fair to throw that back at you.”

“No, I want to talk about the things that bother you, the things that I've said that hurt you.”

“Let's wait.” Atsumu mumbles looking down at his food. Kiyoomi’s jaw clenches. He thinks I'm going to back out. And he has every right to think that. When it got hard I did back out.

“Who was the kid who said he knew it was me?”

There is a small smile on Atsumu’s lips now, “That's Yuzu, Yuzuru. When you first joined I heard him try to tell people you were also from the Jackals but everyone figured it was just a coincidence you had the same name.”

“What position is he?”

“He is our libero.”

Kiyoomi chuckles, “Why are they always so feisty?”

“Maybe to make up for never scoring a point?” Atsumu shrugs, “all that ‘kill’ energy has to go somewhere.”

Kiyoomi nods, all of his ‘kill’ energy had gone somewhere too. Into school, getting better, and making his career.

“You never came around after you left the team.”

“No, I didn't.”

Atsumu is hesitant when he asks, “Why?”

“I figured you wouldn't want to see me.”

Kiyoomi watches as Atsumu bites his lip. His soft lips. “I had thought it was because you didn't want to see me. Couldn't see me.”

Kiyoomi’s brain thinks the words, ‘Oh baby, no’. His chest hurts. It feels like there is a weight on it, pushing down. “I wanted to keep your pictures. Motoya said I had to give them back.”

Atsumu looks up, there are tears in his eyes, “Really?” he whispers. “Yes.” He whispers back, “I stalked your and Osamu’s social media all these years.”

Atsumu is rubbing his eyes and he takes a shaking breath, “I thought, I thought that…” he pushes his knuckles against his lips, “I thought that my existence was hurting you.”

Kiyoomi squeezes his eyes shut. He had told him that. Kiyoomi was the one that made that happen. He told Atsumu he was hurting him.

“I'm sorry I said that, it hadn't been true.”
Atsumu takes another shaking inhale.

“I'm done eating.” Atsumu whispers, still wiping his eyes. “Me too, do you want…do you want to be held?”

Atsumu looks at him, unblinking as his eyes fill with tears, he gives a nod, shaking some loose. They move to the softly lit bedroom. Atsumu climbs in first and holds the blanket up, inviting Kiyoomi in too. This feeling, of being there for his person, he missed it so much. He pulls Atsumu into his arms, tucking the brown head of hair under his chin. He feels Atsumu's uneven breathing up against him.

“I never managed to let anyone in like I had let you in.” Atsumu says into the chest in front of him. “I dated but…it all felt so superficial, like I knew it wasn't going to go anywhere.” Kiyoomi starts to pet his hair. It's so soft without the constant dye jobs.

Atsumu chuckles, “You ruined me Omi, you made my standards too high.”

“I'm sorry that you thought I couldn't see you. That must have been terrible.”

Atsumu shakes in his arms, “It wasn't great.”

“I thought about you all the time. Having you leave…it felt like I went through withdrawals, my brain was always thinking about you. What you would say, your laugh, your touch, your tosses, all of you, all the time.”

The shaking continues and Kiyoomi hears him quietly whimper. Might as well do it now, “Atsumu…Atsu…I never dated. I couldn't. I couldn't because I knew that…that I had already lost the person I was supposed to be with.”

Atsumu pulls back, face wet with tears, “What the fuck Omi.”

Kiyoomi presses his own lips together.

Atsumu closes his eyes, nodding his head a little, “You really are something else.”

“Will you let me give you my answer?”

Atsumu tenses in his arms, and then nods, eyes still closed.

“It has always been you, only you. I want this. I will scream it from the school rooftop if you ask me to. Yes Atsu, yes.”

Atsumu presses his face back into Kiyoomi’s chest and cries. Kiyoomi is crying too, his own tears falling quietly, his chest giving periodic hiccups. It's always been you, he thinks. He holds Atsumu close and kisses the top of his head. I want my life to be yours. Only yours forever.

They lay like this, letting each other process all the feelings. It leaves Kiyoomi feeling raw and when Atsumu tilts up his face to kiss him, the brush of their lips together feels so heavy, like all the pain and misunderstanding is being conveyed. Atsumu has his fingers grasped into the wet shirt in front of him as he attacks Kiyoomi’s mouth. Kiyoomi’s body shakes a little, tears still falling from his eyes as they kiss. Neither of them are trying to rile the other up, they both flow with the kiss, feeling the intensity of love being conveyed. Years of yearning, and wishing, and regretting. He feels Atsumu stiffen and then he is sobbing, he lays his head back down onto Kiyoomi’s shoulder and whines, “Omi,” a gasping breath, “Omi please say you mean it. Please mean it.”

He crushes Atsumu to his body, “I mean it so fucking much. I don't know if I've ever meant anything more fully in my life.”

He feels Atsumu pulls himself closer, a nearly impossible task, “I love you, I never stopped loving you.” Kiyoomi lets out a sobbing gasp. How. How is he this lucky? He does not deserve this. He never in a million years will deserve Atsumu. “I love you too,” his voice cracks, “Fuck Atsu I love you so much.” They stay stuck together like that, each grasping at each other to get closer. The years of loneliness. The pain of his own regret. Atsumu forgives him. Atsumu wants him. Atsumu is willing to give him another chance. They cry in that dimly lit room until they are both exhausted and snuffed up and thirsty.

Kiyoomi promises to come back and gets them water and tissues. He has Atsumu drink and blow his nose. He pets his hair and feels his eyes threaten to cry again. Atsumu wipes his nose and looks up at him. His eyes are red and puffy. He is still beautiful. He will always be beautiful.

Chapter Text

Despite the sheer amount of crying Atsumu has trouble falling asleep. Kiyoomi himself fell asleep while petting his head, the hand slowly falling away to rest on the pillow.

Atsumu looks at him. I want to trust you. I want to believe you so badly. He watches Omi sleep, his even breathes rising and falling. His body twitches once in a while. Is he dreaming?

Atsumu had told him he loved him. Kiyoomi had said it back. Atsumu’s heart won't calm down. Everytime he closes his eyes he just feels all the energy racing around his body.

He climbs out, careful not to wake Kiyoomi and leaves the room. He goes out onto the porch, it's a cold night. He opens his phone and texts Hinata to see if he's awake.

The call comes shortly after, “Atsumu! It's rare for you to be up this late!”

“Hey Sho, how is it?”

“All good over here, I miss you though. Our new setter is good…but not you.”

“You always were spoiled with great setters.”

‘Whats up with you Atsumu?”

“Schools good, team is good, me and Omi are getting back together…”

There is a beat of silence and Atsumu is sure that Shoyo is about to go off like Osamu did.

“Really?”

“Yeah. We just talked about it and cried a ton.”

“What kind of crying?”

“Started sad, ended happy.”

“Are you happy Atsumu?”

“I…I think so. But also nervous. You were there, I was a wreck when he broke up with me. I never let anyone in like that again. I didn't want to hurt like that again.”

“But?”

“But…my heart is set on him.” A breeze blows through and Atsumu shivers.

“What is going to make this time different?”

“We are already talking about what didn't work last time, we prioritized protecting each other over honesty, we can't do that again. Plus I think both of us have a better grip on our mental issues.”

“I'm happy for you,” Shoyo says

“You're worried though…”

“Of course. I care about you.”

“Do you think it's a bad idea? Osamu does.”

“I don't think it's a bad idea if you're being careful and thoughtful.”

“Thanks Sho, I needed to stay grounded. I'm going to go back inside before I freeze to death”

“Please do. None of us want that. Talk to you soon!”

“Bye Sho.”

He hangs up and stays outside for a few minutes looking up at the moon and stars.

…

He feels Atsumu climb into the bed. He hadn't realized he had left. Kiyoomi turns to face him in the dark room. He reaches out a hand and feels that Atsumu is cold, like he's just been outside. “You okay?”

“Yeah, just needed some fresh air.”

“Are you cold?”

“A little.”

Kiyoomi pulls the blanket up to make sure he is covered and slides up close to him. “I'm not that warm, but I'm warmer than you right now.”

Atsumu cuddles in, freezing hands coming to rest on his hip. Kiyoomi shivers and inhales at the touch. They both fall back asleep tangled in each other.

…

The alarm is obnoxious. It won't stop. Kiyoomi sits up looking for the clock. There isn't a clock on the nightstand. Oh yeah he's with Atsu. He turns and sees Atsumu heartily sleeping through the blaring noise coming from his phone. Typical. Kiyoomi lets it ring and goes to take his shower first.

When he comes back into the room the noise is still going and Atsumu is still snoring. Jesus. No wonder he is almost always late. He borrows some of Atsumu's clothes and throws his wet towel on Atsumu’s face “I'm up!” Atsumu bolts upright, eyes still closed.

“Go shower, I'll start breakfast.” He goes to leave the room and hears “Oh gross Omi is this your towel?”

They drive in separately so that Kiyoomi can actually go home at the end of the school day. Atsumu is still yawning as he gets out of his car and meets Kiyoomi to walk in together.

“Did you sleep poorly?”

“Just had trouble falling asleep. I'll be ok. You still okay with being public?”

“Yup. Do you have a…plan?”

“No, just don't want to sneak around. If anyone asks we can say we are dating. But I don't think we should do private lunches anymore, that's a bit suspicious.”

“Okay.” Kiyoomi agrees.

“Is it okay if I tell some of my teacher friends?”

“Of course.” Kiyoomi says.

Atsumu looks over at him, “You picked one of my favorite outfits. I wonder if anyone will notice.” He attempts to wiggle his eyebrows but just ends up looking ridiculous.

It is time to part ways. They look at each other. The building is nearly empty, they came early for morning practice. Atsumu stands on tiptoes and pecks him quickly before turning towards the gym, “See ya round Omi!”

“See you.” Kiyoomi says to himself.

…

Kiyoomi gets used to switching their lunches to the teacher lounge. It's a little more tiring, having to chat with other adults rather than just Atsumu, but it also forces Kiyoomi to actually get to know some of his colleagues.

They are all honestly so nice. Word spread among staff that the counselor and volleyball coach were together. Kiyoomi is unsure if the students know or suspect. Nobody under the age of 18 has brought it up to him.

They fall into a new rhythm. Some days Kiyoomi goes home with Atsumu, they have dinner and hang out. Kiyoomi almost always goes to afternoon practice. Like Atsumu said, the kids get used to him and don't freak out upon his arrival. He apparently made an impression on Yuzuru who constantly asks him for advice and guidance. Kiyoomi previously had never filled the ‘mentor’ role for his younger teammates…but here, with Atsumu, it feels easy. He talks with the students, shows them how to position their bodies, and watches them grow.

He hadn't expected it to be so gut wrenching when they lost. All of those teary eyed faces, gritting their teeth as they walk away from the other school’s gymnasium.

He may be the counselor but he has no clue how to console a whole team of devastated teens. Somehow though, Atsumu does. He leads them to the bus and then whirls on his heel, “Hey!” All eyes snap up to him. “You have a direction to go, this isn't the end. Yeah it sucks to lose. But now we know what we need to win.” He takes a breath and plants his hands on his hips, “No team is perfect. No team is undefeatable. However, a team that stagnates will always lose eventually. So. Are we gonna stagnate?”

The team yells the word “No!” And, somehow, they board the bus in better spirits. Kiyoomi sighs and boards too. It's a Friday. He wants to get the kids home so he can relax for the weekend.

Atsumu sits with Kiyoomi at the front after talking with the bus driver. He looks even more exhausted than Kiyoomi feels himself. “You did good coach.” Kiyoomi says and pats his shoulder.

“Only if you agree to rub me later when I hurt,” Atsumu mumbles, already putting his head on the offered shoulder. “Deal.” Kiyoomi agrees.

…

Atsumu convinces him to come over that night. Kiyoomi pretty much comes over any night the chance is offered. He keeps a stash of his own clothes there now, and a few of his own items in the bathroom.

In general they have been taking it slow. Kiyoomi knows that he needs to prove with his actions that he is here to stay. The trust needs to be earned back the hard way. Atsumu is laying his head in Kiyoomi’s lap, enjoying the gentle fingers which card through hair as they watch TV. When Kiyoomi scratches a particularly good spot Atsumu nuzzles into the touch. Kiyoomi is doing his best not to let his brain think about the proximity of body parts. It's just a cuddle. Don't make it weird.

“Hey Omi?”

Kiyoomi looks down to the beautiful face in his lap, “Yeah?”

“Do you remember that thing we did - back in part one?”

This is how they differentiate the two periods of dating, part one and part two.

“We did a lot of things…” Kiyoomi says, although he has an idea of what Atsumu might be leading to.

Atsumu wiggles a little, pushing his head down into the lap he's laying on, “You know, when we had sex…” Despite being 27, Kiyoomi still blushes.

“I do…” he says, continuing to move his fingers through soft brown hair.

“Ugh, you're being difficult on purpose Omi.”

“Just tell me what you want, stop beating around the bush.” Kiyoomi says as he lifts his eyes back to the TV.

Atsumu sits up and plops himself down on Kiyoomi’s lap, fully blocking his view of the TV with broad shoulders. Atsumu hasn't done this…since part one, since before the whole ‘grooming’ thing. Kiyoomi looks up to the face that is now slightly above his. Fuck. He's always the taller one. It's hot to see Atsumu up there above him. Atsumu leans forwards and brushes his lips against the shell of Kiyoomi’s ear. God, it's always the ear.

Kiyoomi grabs onto his waist and takes a sharp inhale as a tongue reaches out to tease his sensitive ear skin. Fuck. He can feel Atsumu’s legs spread over his lap and he can feel warm breath on his ear. Just this alone is enough to make him crazy.

“I want to fuck you. Nice and slow. So slowly that you beg.”

“Fuck.” Kiyoomi’s hands clench tight around his waist. He leans his head forwards, feeling unable to hold it up himself.

“Not tonight though. I'm going to save that. Tonight I was thinking we could redo our first time.”

Kiyoomi feels a shiver go through his body. He is getting hard under Atsumu. “Yes, yes” he says.

Atsumu pushes his fingers into Kiyoomi’s hair and gently holds and pulls, it guides Kiyoomi’s head to tilt back. Kiyoomi groans. Fuck. “I had a feeling…did you like that?” Atsumu murmurs.

“Yes. You can go harder.” Kiyoomi gasps as he feels Atsumu tug a little harder as he starts kissing his neck, “Oh God.” He gasps.

“Do you like it a little rough, Omi?”

“I don't know - ahh, never tried.” Kiyoomi gasps out as Atsumu latches into his neck, “No marks Atsu”.

“I'm being careful, don't worry your pretty head.”

The moans start falling out of him as Atsumu licks up his throat. “This is how we start right? Kissing?” Atsumu whispers into his skin. Oh fuck. He wants to start right now. Kiyoomi nods, “Yeah, kissing first then we can decide to - oh god Atsu don't stop, fuck.” Kiyoomi feels like his brain is melting as he tilts his head, giving Atsumu free reign. The hands on his hips are squeezing too tight. Kiyoomi releases him, afraid he will bruise the other man. Atsumu grabs his empty hands and brings them around to grab his ass. Oh God. Oh God. Kiyoomi’s fingers are long enough to cover most of each cheek. He gives a gentle squeeze and feels the breathy moan against his throat. He's losing the ability to think. “Tell me to stop.”

Atsumu sighs and sits back a little, “Stop,” he says bored. Kiyoomi lets his hands fall away. “That in particular I've gotten a lot better about.” Atsumu says.

Still sitting in his lap, Atsumu gently pulls on the drawstring to his own pants, “So you said you didn't date, but surely you still…got around.”

“No.” Kiyoomi says, his face already blushed.

“So, our last time was your last time?”

“Yeah, if you don't count masterbation…”

“I bet you're going to come so fast. Like a teenager.”

“Honestly, yeah I might.”

“That's okay.” Atsumu has a gentle smile on his face, “Do you want to continue this in the bedroom?”

“Yes.” Kiyoomi breathes out, still enjoying having to look up at Atsumu.

Atsumu leans forwards to kiss his lips before he climbs off. Kiyoomi watches him walk away for a second, unable to think about anything other than the fact that his hands had just been on that ass. I'm going to have a heart attack and die, Kiyoomi thinks.

…

Atsumu kneels on the bed. He is excited. He watches Kiyoomi come into the room, he pulls his shirt over his head and leaves it on the floor. Damn. He's so fine. Kiyoomi joins him in the bed, sitting on his own legs.

Atsumu mimics his position, “I have an idea. It would be a little different than last time.”

“What are you thinking?”

“Could you lay back and I would sit on your legs? We could still kiss like that and I feel like it would be nice for watching each other.”

“God yes.” Kiyoomi lays back, putting his head on a pillow. Atsumu loves seeing him so excited. It's infectious. Atsumu climbs onto his lap again, sitting himself directly on top of Kiyoomi’s groin. The man groans lowly. Kiyoomi places his hands onto the thighs on either side of his body. “Hey, before we start anything, check in, make sure this feels good.”

Atsumu feels annoyed. He’s not used to people being careful with him. He's used to getting thrown onto a bed or doing the throwing. He listens though. He closes his eyes and takes a breath. Do I want this? A small sarcastic voice speaks up in his brain, ‘Are you serious? You're not even going to take your clothes off, just get on with it.’

He shakes his head and tries again. Do I want this? Without the sarcastic voice the answer is clear. Yes. He opens his eyes and looks down. “Yes, I'm sure. You?”

“All good down here. You look great above me by the way.” Atsumu feels himself blush. He runs his hands up the pale chest before him, “Says you.”

Kiyoomi arches under the fingers on his skin. The urge to make Kiyoomi fall apart so completely nearly overwhelms Atsumu. He wants to make Kiyoomi unable to think, unable to speak anything but his name.

Atsumu leans forwards, allowing his hips to shift against the hard dick under him. “God,” Kiyoomi moans.

“Ready to kiss?”

Kiyoomi nods, taking in a quick breath as he looks up at Atsumu. Atsumu leans down further, his hips have to lift a little to reach Kiyoomi's mouth. They have kissed many times since the big cry kiss. But each time after has still felt deep and meaningful. Atsumu feels like his heart aches as he opens his mouth to combine with Kiyoomi. Their tongues slide together and he feels Kiyoomi’s moan go straight into his mouth, he moans back. The hands on his thighs clench tight and he hears Kiyoomi suck in a breath through his nose. Atsumu smiles into the kiss and lets out a deep groan. He feels Kiyoomi’s body jolt a little under him.

Kiyoomi turns his face to the side, panting heavily, his hands slide up and down Atsumu's clothes legs. Atsumu sits back down, causing Kiyoomi to hiss out a breath. “You alright?” Atsumu asks.

“I'm going to die. You're going to kill me.”

Atsumu laughs, he knew Kiyoomi would be sensitive after such a dry spell, but this is really incredible. Atsumu feels the urge to perform, to really rock his world. He closes his eyes and focuses. I want to enjoy this. We are doing this because we both want the other to enjoy this. Kiyoomi wants me to enjoy this. He takes several deep breaths. When he opens his eyes Kiyoomi is watching him, a heavy blush on his face.

“Do you want to stop?”

Atsumu smiles, “No. Not at all. Do you?”

“No.”

Kiyoomi’s hands are still rubbing gently on his thighs. The touch is soothing, like a quiet reminder that this isn't just sex.

“I'm ready to move on.”

Kiyoomi nods eagerly. He is so cute.

Atsumu scoots back so that he is sitting right below Kiyoomi’s tented pants. He is resting right on the upper thighs, forcing Kiyoomi to keep his legs straight. Atsumu wonders if he will have trouble coming that way, with his legs forced together.

“Does this position still work?” he asks. He loves the view, but he would rather reconfigure if it's going to be an issue.

“Honestly I love it.”

Their hard cocks are so close together, they could touch with just the smallest amount of coordination. Someday, maybe soon, Atsumu thinks.

Kiyoomi’s eyes are on him watching. For a moment the intensity makes Atsumu feel uncomfortable. Don't perform, he reminds himself. He takes a breath and says, “Will you start?”

Kiyoomi nods and takes one of his hands off of Atsumu's legs to run over himself. The motion is right there in front of Atsumu, right in front of his hard cock too. He watches Kiyoomi grab around the hardness in his pants. Atsumu leans back, bracing a hand on Kiyoomi’s leg behind him, and grabs himself. He looks at Kiyoomi, whose eyes are jumping between his groin and Atsumu's. Atsumu focuses on his sensitive head, using a few fingers to slide over the fabric there. Kiyoomi’s stomach muscles jump, obviously trying to hold back.

“You can move.” Atsumu says as he reaches his hand down to cup his balls before sliding his hand over the length of himself. Kiyoomi groans, eyes trained on the motion.

“What are you thinking about?” Atsumu asks as he lets his hips jump up against his hand.

Kiyoomi glances at his face. His skin is so pink, pupils blown out, but his expression is a bit panicked. Atsumu puts his hand down, lets it rest on the side of Kiyoomi’s hip. “You're allowed to think about things.”

Kiyoomi’s eyes glance down to the tent in Atsumu's pants before they come back up. “If I say something it doesn't mean I'm ever expecting it.”

Atsumu nods and brings his hand back to stroke himself. It's all teasing touches through several layers of clothes. Kiyoomi resumes touching too, using his palm to push against the hardness trapped against his body.

Kiyoomi takes a steading breath, “With you sitting up there…It's hard not to think about…you riding me.”

Atsumu groans and moves his hand faster. Atsumu watches Kiyoomi push his head back into the pillow, body arching a little under Atsumu.

“You didn't used to make so much noise.” Kiyoomi gasps out as he palms at himself frantically. “I love it. I love knowing you're feeling good too.” The words send something hot through Atsumu's body. He takes his hand off of the leg behind him and places it on Kiyoomi's chest instead. He's now leaning forwards lightly, watching Kiyoomi’s hand touch himself. Touch the hard cock that he wants to be inside of Atsumu. Atsumu wants it to. He wants to kiss Kiyoomi but the logistics are impossible without him just laying down and rutting against Kiyoomi.

He groans again, partially in frustration that they aren't doing more and partially because what they are doing is so fucking good.

“Atsu, Atsu, oh god-”

He's close, Atsumu thinks and looks up to Kiyoomi’s face. His eyes are just slits, watching their bodies intently, his mouth hangs open, gasping, chanting his name quietly.

Atsumu wonders…he bounces his hips a little, enjoying the friction against cloth and hand. Kiyoomi gasps and his hand that is still latches onto Ataumu’s leg grips hard.

“Atsu - I'm gonna -”

“Go ahead, let me watch.” Atsumu leans back again so that he can see both groin and face at once.

Kiyoomi gives a low groan which is suddenly cut off, his body goes taunt under Atsumu. Kiyoomi removes his hand from his cock and places it on Atsumu’s knee. Atsumu watches the hardness jump and kick under the fabric. Holy shit he is really letting me watch. Kiyoomi lets out the breath he had been holding in a gasp, his body falls back to the bed. His cock is still twitching. It's so fucking hot. His abdomen muscles twitch and he pants to catch his breath. He looks up to Atsumu with the dopiest look on his face. Like he has never had a thought in his life.

Atsumu realizes that his mouth had been hanging open and he closes it. Holy shit. That was so fucking hot.

“What do you want?” Kiyoomi asks, still breathless.

“Do you need to go clean up?”

“I'd like to wait…I want you to finish too, if you want to.”

Um, hell yeah, of course he does, “Can I come down next to you?”

“Of course.” Kiyoomi reaches out an arm, and Atsumu crawls into it, placing his head up against Kiyoomi’s shoulder and neck.

The arm curls around him to rest on his shoulder. Atsumu lets his legs fall open. This is how they did it the first time. “I'm not gonna freak out this time.” He whispers.

“It's okay if you do.”

Atsumu is still so keyed up from watching Kiyoomi come untouched. He brings his hand down and starts to stroke himself, “You really let me watch. I wasn't expecting that.”

“Was it okay?”

“So fucking okay. I'm going to have dreams about that.”

“I'm going to have dreams about the sounds you make.”

Atsumu presses his face into the soft skin of Kiyoomi’s shoulder. Fuck. The hand on his shoulder gently pets back and forth, again reminding Atsumu that this is more than just mindless sex, this is them. He's already so close - his hips buck forwards into his hand, “Omi” he moans. Kiyoomi takes a shuddering breath in. Atsumu tilts his head up, “Omi, kiss me.” Kiyoomi moves his head down to meet him. Kiyoomi kisses, Atsumu tries to, in-between his gasps and moans. “Omi-Omi-youre so fucking good-God -Omi” he is whining, he is panting. Atsumu opens his eyes to see soft dark ones watching him. Loving him. Atsumu’s body tenses, he maintains the eye contact until the last possible second, his eyes are forced shut, a ragged moan is ripped out of him as his hips jerk with his orgasm. The hand on his shoulder still pets him. Atsumu's mind starts to become more clear, I'm never going to recover if this doesn't work out, he thinks. He's not freaking out, but he does feel sad. He takes a moment to breathe, eyes still closed, face up against Kiyoomi. The hand is still petting him.

He lifts his head and opens his eyes, Kiyoomi is still watching him. “Let's get clean,” Atsumu says and he starts to untangle himself from Kiyoomi’s body. Kiyoomi catches his hand, “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, just a little sad. That happens sometimes.” It's true. A decent amount of his orgasms end in tears, he's not sure why, he always kind of figured it was some kind of emotional release.

“Do you want to shower first?” Kiyoomi asks.

“No way Omi, you've been waiting. You first.”

Kiyoomi studies him for a moment and then starts to get up “Will you sit in the bathroom with me? We can chat.” Kiyoomi says.

Atsumu smiles, “Sure thing.”

Atsumu lets him get started and when he hears the shower curtain move into place he goes to sit on the closed toilet. It's kinda gross just feeling his cum cool and dry in his pants. He'll survive the few minutes till it's his turn.

“What does the sad feel like?” Kiyoomi asks over the din of the water.

“Sometimes it just feels like ‘sad’ and there are no particular words that go with it.”

“Is that how it felt this time?”

Atsumu is quiet for a moment. They promised honesty. “No. This time there was a thought that went with it.”

“You don't have to tell me, but you can.”

Atsumu hears the water splashing against the curtain.

“The thought was…worry about us not working out.”

“Oh.” The water turns off. Kiyoomi reaches past the curtain for a towel and steps out, “Go ahead.” Kiyoomi steps out for a moment, giving him privacy to get in. He turns the shower back on and loves that it is already all warmed up.

“I'm here.” Kiyoomi says. “Is there something particular you're thinking about…about us not working?”

Atsumu puts his face under the water, letting the water run down him. He turns, “Nothing specific, just thinking about how much it would hurt to lose you again.”

Atsumu washes his hair, not feeling rushed to finish so Kiyoomi can have a turn.

“I worry about that too,” Kiyoomi says, “I worry that you're going to figure out that you can do a lot better than this.”

Atsumu starts to chuckle and then stops when he realizes Kiyoomi is being serious. “Do you have low self esteem Omi?”

Atsumu pokes his head out of the curtain when Kiyoomi doesn't answer. Kiyoomi looks at him and then away. Atsumu returns to his shower. “I meant it when I said you set the standard. You blow everyone else I've ever dated straight out of the water. It's crazy to me that you can't see that.”

Kiyoomi stays quiet on his side of the curtain. “We talked about me, your turn. How was it for you?” Atsumu asks.

“Oh, I really enjoyed that. I'm feeling weird that you ended up sad.”

“You know, I really really enjoyed it too. It's honestly normal for my brain to get sad afterwards. Even happens when I masturbate.”

Kiyoomi is quiet again. “What did you like best?” Atsumu asks.

“So many things. I like you sitting on my lap on the couch, and I liked what you said into my ear, and I liked having you sit on my legs and I loved watching you touch yourself. I loved having you watch me. But I really enjoyed at the end being close to you and kissing. I think I just love kissing you.”

Atsumu lets the water rinse out his hair. Omi that's literally everything. Atsumu smiles. He honestly loved it all too.

“You liked having your hair pulled.”

“I did.” Kiyoomi responds.

“Is that something you want to explore?”

“Not right now, I just want to explore us right now. You have permission to tug on my hair though, since we already know…”

“Sounds good Omi. Is there another towel?”

“One second.”

Atsumu turns off the water and takes the towel handed to him.

“Do you want to stay? It's Friday after all.”

“I'd love to. Can I go change the sheets for us?”

“Yup, hall closet.” He hears Kiyoomi leave the room. He is left with the sound of the dripping shower head as he dries off. Kiyoomi worries that Atsumu is going to realize that he can do better? It's hard to imagine that point of view. Atsumu knows that anxiety doesn't listen to logic though.

He comes into the bedroom to see Kiyoomi kneeling on the bed, fixing the corner of the fitted sheet. His ass just in the air like that. Atsumu looks away and turns to the dresser. Oops. Now he is watching Kiyoomi kneel on the bed in the mirror. He watches for a moment and then forces himself to look down to get clothes.

Kiyoomi had liked what he has said into his ear, about fucking him so slowly he begs. Atsumu smiles.

Chapter Text

They do their morning routine, like they used to, minus the jog, and head to the school gym. Atsumu lets them in and turns on the overhead yellow lights. They don't set up a net, but they do practice. Kiyoomi feels as though he has significantly improved over the last weeks. He can bump accurately and his tosses are hitable. Atsumu’s serves are still nasty but he manages to get one once in a while. Today he is practicing his own standing serve. It is especially important that he doesn't overdo it, his body is not at all used to these motions anymore, and it also won't bounce back as quickly after an injury.

He serves, Astumu bumps it to himself and then sends the toss to Kiyoomi who does a standing spike back to him. He receives, the cycle continues until the ball hits the floor. It feels so good to get back into playing, even just this little bit. Once he lost his skills Kiyoomi thought that he would never have the nerve to practice again, to let someone see him totally suck. Of course it would be Atsu that drew him back in, made it easy, made hitting the ball so damn easy.

“We should talk,” Atsumu says as he catches the ball and puts it under his arm.

Ominous. But Atsumu doesn't look upset. Atsumu gestures to the floor and starts to sit down. Oh right now. Kiyoomi joins him and gets into formation to pass the ball back and forth. “I want to talk about sex.”
Kiyoomi nods to show that he understands.

“I know you haven't been up to a ton since part one, but I still think we gotta talk about what we want and don't want.”

“Okay, I'm onboard with that.”

Atsumu takes a deep breath, “Can you start?” He asks quietly.

“Sure, um, as for likes, I like what we did last night, and I think I would like similar activities with less clothes too. You had mentioned…doing anal, and I am interested in that, it's been a long time since I've done that with another person though, so I'd want to go slow. I am still not sure where I stand on oral but I would be interested in trying it with you someday.” Kiyoomi pauses, trying to think of other things he has done or things people do.

“Would you ever be interested in topping?”

“I…yes…but it would never-”

Ataumu finishes the statement with him “never be expected.”

“Yeah.” Kiyoomi adds lamely.

“What about receiving oral?” Atsumu asks pushing the ball across to Kiyoomi.

“I…honestly never have.”

“Would you want to try it someday?”

Kiyoomi clenches his jaw as he thinks about the picture of Atsumu. He pushes the image away. He's been forced to see it enough times now that it doesn't send him spiraling like it used to, it still fucking hurts though.

“Maybe.”

Atsumu nods, “Is there anything casual that would be pretty much okay all the time?”

Kiyoomi thinks about that, “I am never disappointed when you kiss me…and I don't think I'd say no to you kissing my neck when we are home.”

“Is there anything that's a solid no, that you don't want me to ever bring up?”

Kiyoomi receives the ball and places both hands on it, staring at the logo as he thinks, “Nothing with…bodily fluids, other than spit. And I don't think I could ever hurt you.”

“Even if it was planned and consensual?”

The question surprises Kiyoomi, he glances up to see Atsumu’s curious face. Kiyoomi tries to think of a scenario where he would be comfortable hurting Atsumu. It feels impossible.

“I don't think so, but if there was ever a time…you wanted that you can ask and we can talk about it. It doesn't have to be a blanket ‘no’ like the other one.”

“Okay Omi.”

Kiyoomi realizes that he's been holding the ball and passes it back.

“Do you want to go?” Kiyoomi asks.

“Yeah I should.” Atsumu pats the ball a few times before he passes it back. “I liked last night too, and kissing and being on your lap. So far I've been successful in staying present.” He pauses, “Jeez, sorry I made you go first, this is harder than I thought it would be.”

“We can take a break,” Kiyoomi offers.

Atsumu ignores the comment, “As for casual things - I like when we are close, but not like trying to rile each other up, like when you stand behind me and hug me, or holding hands. I think my brain likes the idea that if it's going to escalate you're going to talk to me first, it won't be a surprise.”

Kiyoomi nods, that makes a lot of sense.

“You don't need that though.” Atsumu says quietly. Kiyoomi looks up to his face and tilts his head in question.

“You said I could start kissing your neck without asking first. You don't need to talk about it before it escalates.”

Kiyoomi catches the ball and quickly passes it back, “I still want to talk about it before it escalates from there. The line for each of us is just at a slightly different place.”

Atsumu huffs out a breath but nods.

“Do you want to tell me about the ‘yes’s or ‘maybe’s?”

“No, I have something else I want to talk about.” Atsumu fidgets and then scoots forwards until he is sitting next to Kiyoomi. Atsumu crosses his legs and leans his head onto Kiyoomi’s shoulder. He passes the ball still, using his left hand to push it to Kiyoomi on his right. Kiyoomi pushes it back. Atsumu talks quieter now that he's so close. Kiyoomi feels his heart beat quickly, worried about what has Atsumu feeling nervous.

“All these years I had so many things that were hard ‘no’s. But, as I kept working on my trauma, it got harder to have parts of myself that felt…off limits. I want to be able to do what I want. I don't want to feel like…he's there stopping me.”

Kiyoomi lays his hand open on his left knee and Atsumu takes it. They continue to pass the ball back and forth. “There was never anybody that I trusted enough to try and take it back. I want to Omi. I don't want to feel…” he doesn't finish, there is a hollar from outside and several of their student leap through the door into the gym. Atsumu snatches his hand back quickly and stands.

“Hey! Out!” The kids freeze, their eyes wide. Kiyoomi can't see Atsumu’s face, only his broad back. The kids step back as Atsumu steps forwards. “Out.” He says again. The kids whirl around and run out of the door. Atsumu stalks over to the doorway, “You're gonna be mopping this floor till it shines on Monday!” He yells after them. He leans his forehead against the doorframe and sighs, “Damn kids.”

Kiyoomi stands, “Like you never snuck into the gym to practice.”

Atsumu turns, “True. You still have to give them a hard time about it.”

Kiyoomi comes up behind Atsumu and slides his hands around his middle. They both look out the doorway together as the kids jump on their bikes and leave. One of the kids looks over his shoulder before he goes off.

“I want to help you,” Kiyoomi murmurs in his ear, “I want you to feel like you belong to you.”

Atsumu nods, his hands coming to rest around his middle with Kiyoomi’s. “It's going to be hard.”

“Is that why you asked about me hurting you? Because…I want to help you but, I don't think I could…”

Atsumu turns in his arms and looks up at him, his eyes are misty. “No, no, it's okay Omi, it's nothing like that.” Atsumu leans his head forwards, resting it against Kiyoomi, “I just want to be like everyone else, be able to do what literally everyone else can.”

Kiyoomi brings a hand to his cheeks trying encourage his face to lift. “I don't need you to be able to do anything except whatever it is you want to do.”

Atsumu scoffs, “That sounds like a riddle Omi.”

“I just want you to be doing this for you, not for anyone else.”

“I am Omi, I've been wanting this for years.”

“What are some of the things you want to do together? Some of the not hard things I mean.”

“Like, I don't know, I wanna touch ya and be the reason you're making those sounds, and shower with you, and have you touch me, if you wanna.” His voice tapers off at the end.

“I want to.” Kiyoomi reassures.

Atsumu seems to deflate a bit, “My relationships don't usually have this much talking about things. It's tiring.”

That statement makes something hurt in Kiyoomi’s chest. He's not sure why though. They lock up and walk back together to the car. Once back in the car Kiyoomi speaks up, “You didn't mention topping in the list of things you're interested in.”

Atsumu glances over before he looks back at the road, “I said it yesterday.”

“Oh.” Kiyoomi’s fingers tap on the hard plastic lining of the inner door.

“What?” Atsumu asks.

“Just, I think of dirty talk differently than these conversations. Just because you say something in the heat of the moment doesn't mean it has to be true.”

Atsumu gives him a really weird look. “What do you mean?”.

Kiyoomi bites his lip for a moment, “Like, if we agreed to do not do something, even if you ask for it during sex, I wouldn't do it, because whatever we discuss beforehand trumps anything said in the moment, when our brains are all…mushy.”

Atsumu is quiet, staring ahead at the road. Kiyoomi glances over at him nervously. It wouldn't be the first time they had vastly different ideas about how things should work or what qualifies as what during sex.

“I hadn't thought of that before.” Atsumu finally says. “You're really careful. You think about things.”

“My gift is overthinking.” Kiyoomi jokes.

Atsumu doesn't laugh. His mood has felt really subdued since they started the conversation about sex. Maybe he needs some time alone to process.

Kiyoomi drinks his routine second cup of coffee with Atsumu in the nook and then departs. As he drives home he thinks about everything they talked about. He wonders what specifically Atsumu wants to reclaim for himself

...

Atsumu starts having frequent nightmares. Something about their conversation got his brain going again. It sucks, but it's not unmanageable. Most of the dreams take place in a vague dream school. Desks are prominently featured. Each night he becomes intimately familiar with the swirling wood pattern on the desktop. It leaves something horrible and aching in his chest, to then have to get up and go to school. He knows his brain is just trying to process but it sucks.

Sometimes Kiyoomi wakes him up because he ‘whimpers’ in his sleep. Mostly he just wakes up in the morning with the knowledge of what he dreamed about. People say you can't feel pain in dreams but that must be wrong because for Atsumu, it hurts.

One night is particularly bad. Atsumu locks the door, pulling on the handle to ensure it is secure. He turns and there is nobody else in the room. He goes to the desk chair and sits, pulling forward some work. The pages swim, he catches a word or two before there is a heaviness in his lap. His arms are reaching around a body. Someone is sitting in his lap. Atsumu tries to see, tries to move but his body is stuck. The body wiggles and presses down on his crotch, Atsumu moans. His hands are still glued to the desk, he can't move, he's half panicked, half turned on. The body grinds down again. Fuck. Then there are lips on his neck. He can't move. He can't move. Why can't he move? The voice that speaks in his ear makes him bite his tongue. It's a voice he knows. No. No no no. The body keeps pushing against him and Atsumu’s body keeps reacting. “Gonna make you feel so good, Sensei,” the voice says. Atsumu wants to cry. His body won't cry. Let me go. Please let me go, he begs in his head. He tries to close his eyes but he can't.

He finally breaks through and his body jolts awake. He is breathing quickly, half hard in his pants. He looks over to see Kiyoomi sleeping soundly beside him. Oh God. That has never happened before. He stumbles out of bed and goes out onto the porch. It's March but it's still cold this early in the morning. He is hyperventilating. His hands shake. His dreams, they had always been his own memories, he was the student, he had never…he leans against the railing. He can't breath. He can't catch his breath.

He's not sure how long he stays out there. He didn't bring his phone. He eventually sits and he starts to cry. Why the fuck had he dreamed that? The voice. He knew whose voice that was. It was Yuzu, their libero who is kind of obsessed with Omi. Atsumu’s hands shake. His thoughts fly around - he hates himself, he feels disgusting, he feels he needs to be punished for thinking about such a foul thing. His legs shake. He's cold. The sane part of him says no, says to not open this door again. He wants to drink. He wants to hurt. He wants to get hurt. He wants someone to hurt him. He pushes his hands against his eyes. It feels like his brain is out of control.

He looks out from the porch steps. His eyes sting in the cold breeze. I'm a monster, he thinks. He looks down at his shaking legs.

…

Kiyoomi finds Atsumu sleeping on the couch. Kiyoomi feels his forehead, it's a little warm and clammy. He gently shakes Atsumu's shoulder. Atsumu jolts a little when he wakes, eyes glancing up to Kiyoomi who is crouched in front of him.

“What are you doing out here?”

“Bad dreams, didn't want to wake you.”

Kiyoomi stays crouched. Atsumu has had a lot of disturbed sleep lately, “Do you need anything?”

Atsumu’s eyes have a dull quality as he shakes his head. Kiyoomi kisses his forehead and goes to take his shower. When he returns, Atsumu is still there, eyes open but unseeing. He crouches down and feels his forehead again, “Do you feel okay?”

Atsumu shakes his head. “What hurts?” Kiyoomi asks.

“Just tired.” He murmurs.

“Do you want to stay home and rest, hun?”

Atsumu flinches a little, and closes his eyes. “Yeah, I'll stay home today.”

Kiyoomi watches him for a moment and brings him water and pain medicine before he kisses him again.

“Can we talk after school?” Atsumu asks quietly.

“Sure,” Kiyoomi says and reaches down to pet his hair. Atsumu shakes his head and Kiyoomi pulls away.

“Are you going to be okay?” Kiyoomi asks as he picks up his keys.

“Yeah. Have a good day Omi.”

Kiyoomi’s stomach and anxiety are screaming that something is not okay. Kiyoomi tries to force them to quiet. I have to trust Atsumu, I have to trust what he says.

…

Kiyoomi cancels pm practice, wanting to be able to go home early and check on Atsumu. Some of the boys from the team find him in the hall to ask about Coach Miya. Kiyoomi reassures them and declines the requests for him to run afternoon practice himself.

As soon as the last bell rings Kiyoomi is out the door. He lets himself into Atsumu's house and is glad to find that he is no longer on the couch. Kiyoomi changes to his house slippers and washes his hands. He sees the lump of Atsumu in the dark bedroom. He comes up and crawls into bed behind him. He is surprised to see Atsumu's eyes are open, looking at the wall ahead. “Hey, how are you feeling?” Kiyoomi whispers.

Atsumu doesn't answer right away, he sniffs and Kiyoomi can tell that he had been crying at some point earlier. He lays a hand in Ataumu’s back to rub him and again Atsumu shakes his head no. Kiyoomi removes the touch and waits for a response.

“I'm going to quit.” Kiyoomi hears the words but they don't make sense right away.

“You mean your job?”

Atsumu nods. “Why? What happened?”

“I had a lot of suicidal thoughts today.” The change in topic feels like a slap, Kiyoomi blinks for a moment, what the hell is going on?

“I knew I could handle it, so I had you go to work. I'm sorry.” Ataumu's voice is scarily monotone.

Before Kiyoomi can think of how he wants to respond, Atsumu continues, “I don't think I should work with kids.”

Kiyoomi is so thoroughly turned around. “Atsumu what the hell is going on?”

Atsumu curls in on himself, “I had a dream about a student.” The silence hangs heavily over them. Kiyoomi feels his mouth open but he doesn't speak.

Atsumu whispers, “It was horrible.”

Kiyoomi heart breaks. He knows the shame that comes with your brain doing things you would never want to do.

“Baby, you can't control what you dream about.”

“Do you know what the rate for male victims becoming perpetrators is?”

“Atsumu, having a dream doesn't mean-”

“Nori had been a victim. His uncle molested him when he was a kid.”

Kiyoomi is again speechless. “I thought I wanted to become a teacher for good reasons, but what if…what if…”

“Atsumu, sometimes our brains show us things - things we would never do.”

“I can't do it.” Atsumu whispers. Kiyoomi isn't sure what the ‘it’ is.

“Atsu…”

“I can't ever do it. I need to make sure.” His voice is oddly calm.

“Baby, you won't.” Kiyoomi tries to touch him again and he flinches.

Kiyoomi feels like he is talking to a wall, nothing he is saying is reaching through. Atsumu had said that he was having suicidal thoughts…

“Atsumu, listen to me, please,” he pauses, trying to see if he has the other man’s attention, “Intrusive thoughts are normal with trauma, it doesn't mean it is ever something you will do.” He takes a breath and continues, “You experienced horrible things, your brain is trying to make sense of it all.” He sees Atsumu glances up out of the corner of his eye.

“When I was having intrusive thoughts about you, it was never because I wanted to see those things happen to you.”

“What did you see?” Atsumu asks quietly.

Kiyoomi closes his eyes. Why? Why does he want to know?

“I saw you get hurt. Over and over again. It was horrible. My brain took the picture and … just ran with it. But I never ever think about those things normally, I would never want to.”

Atsumu turns onto his back. Good. Progress. “How can we know what is truly us?”

That…Kiyoomi doesn't have the answer to. It's a question he himself grapples with. How much of his true self is also his OCD?

“I feel like a monster.” Atsumu whispers.

Kiyoomi lays a hand gently over Atsumu's “It's so hard to have a beast that lives in your head.”

Atsumu looks up at him, eyes glassy, and nods.

“If you truly want to quit, I will support your decision. But I know you are a great teacher who would never hurt a student.”

Atsumu sucks in and lets out a shivering breath. “I don't want to quit. But I'm worried that I should want to quit.”

“I think that would be letting the beast win.”

Atsumu closes his eyes, a few tears leak out of the corners. Kiyoomi gently rubs them away. “You're not a monster,” Kiyoomi says quietly.

“I really wanted to die today.” Kiyoomi’s jaw clenches as he hears the words.

“Thank you for staying safe.” Kiyoomi says.

Atsumu nods, “Couldn't ever do that to you again.”

“How can we keep making sure you are safe?”

“Move your meds please.”

“I can do that.”

“Okay.”

“Atsumu?”

He looks up.

“Thank you. This must have been incredibly hard to tell me about. Thank you for trusting me with this.”

Atsumu closes his eyes, “I thought for sure you were going to find me disgusting and perverted.”

“That's how I felt when my intrusive thoughts were about you. I thought that once you knew you would despise me for thinking about that.”

“I didn't.” Atsumu says

“I don't either.” Kiyoomi responds.

Atsumu sighs, “How can you not see how good you are?”

Chapter Text

Atsumu goes back to school but not with the same energy and excitement that he usually has. It's hard to watch the burning flame that is Atsumu flicker dully like this. Atsumu hasn't wanted to be touched, he flinches and shakes his head, and after a day of that Kiyoomi stops trying to initiate contact.

Atsumu stands back during practice, watching the students but hardly interacting with them. He's not cold towards them, just more removed. Kiyoomi tries to pick up some of the slack but he was never as good a coach as Atsumu. Kiyoomi has Yuzuru running diving drills with the younger students. A lot of the students are hesitant to dive against the hardwood floor so Kiyoomi has Yuzuru demonstrate a few times. As their libero he has really good form that prioritizes the ball and minimizes possible injuries. The first years stumble through the motions and Kiyoomi lets Yuzuru give them pointers on their form and follow through.

Kiyoomi scans the room, watching the other drill teams and keeping an eye on Atsumu. “Coach Sakusa?” Kiyoomi turns to Yuzu, “Yes?”

“I was wondering why you left the Jackals after less than a year.”

Kiyoomi sucks on his teeth. He knew the question would probably come up eventually, and it's clear that Yuzuru followed his career well enough.

“My mother got sick and I needed to take care of her.” Not a full lie, not the full truth.

Now that the floodgate is open, the questions continue to flow.

“Are you married?” “No.”

“Why do you wear a wedding ring then?” “I just like it.”

“Did you like playing with Coach Miya?” “Yes.”

“Was he different back then?” “Yes.”

“Why did he try and kill himself?” The question feels so out of the blue - but to a teenage mind he supposes it's not.

“That sounds like a question for Coach Miya.” Kiyoomi says, forcing his voice to remain steady.

“But you know, don't you?” “I do.”

Yuzuru continues to stand next to him while the first years drill.

“I don't think Coach Miya likes me very much.” Kiyoomi glances over, he had also noticed that Atsumu was giving Yuzuru a wide berth in practice. “He just knows you don't need as much help.”

“Maybe,” Yuzuru responds, “I like talking to you Sensei. You're nice.” Kiyoomi wonders if anyone has ever actually said he was ‘nice’ before.

“Why are you asking about suicide Yuzuru?” It's his duty as their coach and counselor to find out if it is pure curiosity or something deeper.

“Just thinking about things.”

Kiyoomi lowers his voice, showing his seriousness, “Yuzuru…”

“Nothing Sensei, just curious about my coaches.”

“If you ever need to talk, I'm here.” Kiyoomi says.

Yuzuru nods in his peripheral. Kiyoomi claps, getting all the boys’ attention, “Alright, team up for serves and receives.”

…

This might be the longest string of days Kiyoomi has stayed over in a row since they actually lived together. They are eating supper and Kiyoomi brings up the conversation from earlier. “Yuzuru was asking about why you tried to die and he also thinks you don't like him.”

Ataumu furrows his brow as he chews and swallows, “How the hell did that topic come up?”

“He just asked out of the blue. They probably all wonder but are too nervous to ask you directly.”

Atsumu looks back down at his food and hums.

“You've been avoiding him.”

“Yeah. I'm sad he noticed. I'll have to work harder to not treat him weird.”

“Was it him?”

Atsumu nods and takes another bite.

“How have the nightmares been?”

“Not great. Feels like I'm running on empty these days.”

“They got worse after we had sex.”

Atsumu looks up, his eyes are tired and sad. He puts his hands down on the table.

“What are you telling yourself?” Kiyoomi asks.

Atsumu groans, “That I'm weak, and difficult, and that you're frustrated because I should be better than this by now…I don't like being the one that needs all the help.” Atsumu sighs as he finishes.

“I promise I'm not frustrated.” Kiyoomi says.

“How? How can you not be frustrated when I just keep…being me like this. Why can't I handle anything?”

Atsumu is glaring now, not at Kiyoomi but at the table.

“Atsu, should we remove sex as an option for now?”

“Augh, No!” He grabs at his hair, lightly tugging on it, “That's not what I want.”

Kiyoomi remains quiet, he can see that Atsumu is thinking.

“I'm so tired of being like this.” He says quietly. He pushes his hands into his eyes and groans.

Kiyoomi’s heart aches for the man sitting across from him. “What do you need?”

“I need to be different!” Atsumu bites out.

“Hun, what do you need right now?”

Ataumu's body shakes for a moment, “I want to be loved.” Kiyoomi thinks his heart might actually break.

“Oh Hun,” he comes around the table and wraps his arms awkwardly around Atsumu as he sits. “How?” How can I show you?”

Atsumu leans into the hug and his body shakes harder. “Come on,” Kiyoomi says, “Lets get you somewhere comfy.”

“I need to shower,” Atsumu says, a hiccup in his throat.

“I could bathe you, no funny business, just gentle and loving.”

Atsumu sniffs, burying his face in further before he nods. Kiyoomi takes his hand and helps him up and leads him to the bathroom. They both sit on the edge of the tub. Kiyoomi turns on the water and starts to fill it with hot water. He looks over at Atsumu who is hunched over, looking down at the tiles. “Are you sure this is okay?” Kiyoomi asks.

Atsumu nods, keeping his gaze down. Kiyoomi lets the tub fill and goes to get a fresh towel and clothes. When he returns, Atsumu is in the water. “Hey,” he says gently and sits behind Atsumu on the ledge. “Can I do your hair?” Atsumu nods and tilts his head back. Kiyoomi takes a cup from the sink and pours the warm water over the crown of his head. He watches Atsumu’s face, making sure none of the water runs into his closed eyes.

Kiyoomi puts some shampoo into his hands and lathers it. “Ready love?”

“Yes.”

Kiyoomi slides his fingers into Atsumu’s hair and rubs the shampoo into his scalp. Atsumu starts to visibly relax, his shoulders sliding down. Kiyoomi focuses on lathering his hair. Atsumu hums, his face softening.

“Ready to rinse?”

“Yeah.”

Kiyoomi picks the cup back up and shields Atsumu’s forehead as he rinses him out. “Oh wow, I can't remember the last time someone did this for me. I was probably a kid.”

“Is the water okay?”

“It's great. Thank you.”

“One more.” Kiyoomi uses another cupfull to rinse out the last of the suds. Atsumu tilts his head back down and opens his eyes. He leans back and looks up at Omi. “This is really nice Omi.”

“Do you want me to wash you?”

“Can you do waist up?”

“Sure.” Kiyoomi grabs a washcloth, wets it, and rubs soap in. Atsumu is still leaning back so Kiyoomi starts to clean his shoulders and neck.

“Someday I could do this for you.” Atsumu whispers.

“I’d like that.” Kiyoomi moves down and wipes Atsumu's chest and stomach. “Can you lean forwards?” Atsumu does and Kiyoomi takes his time washing his back. He goes slow, rubbing gentle circles.

“Omi?”

“Hmm?”

“Can we be done?”

“Of course Atsu, do you want to rinse?”

Kiyoomi helps him get situated to finish and rinse. Kiyoomi cleans up from dinner as he listens to the shower run. When he hears the water cut off he goes back in to see Atsumu pulling his shirt over his head. He is wearing underwear but Kiyoomi can now fully see the bruises he had been trying to ignore earlier in the bath. Atsumu pulls on his pants while Kiyoomi grabs a comb, “Sit love.” Atsumu sits on the tub edge, looking up at Kiyoomi.

Kiyoomi sits beside him and rubs his back as he combs his hair back. “I love you Atsu.”

“I know, I'm sorry I freaked out.”

Kiyoomi continues to comb, just enjoying being close to Atsumu. “You don't have to apologize. Is there anything you want?”

“Honestly, I kind of just want to cry…and fuck, but that's probably not a good idea.”

“No, probably not.” Kiyoomi comments.

“Can we lay down?”

Kiyoomi nods and goes into the bedroom with him. Kiyoomi sits and Atsumu kneels in front of him, “Are you sure we can't?”

“Atsu…”

“Okay okay, just hold me then.”

“Gladly.”

Atsumu shuffles forwards and rests himself in Kiyoomi’s arms. Kiyoomi is leaning back against the headboard so it is almost like Atsumu is laying himself against Kiyoomi. It's nice. It's really nice. Kiyoomi rubs his back and kisses his hair.

“I love you.” He says.

“I love you too Omi.”

“I'm sorry your dreams have been so bad.”

“Thanks. I wish I could make them stop.”

“Why do you think they got worse?”

Atsumu snuggles in closer, pressing his cheek against Kiyoomi’s chest. “I think that my brain knows that I found someone who can help me retake the ‘No’s and it's…like preparing. It's exhausting.”

“That sounds really hard.”

“Are you still willing to help me? I would understand if you've changed your mind.”

Kiyoomi presses his lips into that soft hair. “If you want it, and it's something I want too, then yes.”

“Are you curious what they are?”

“Yes…there isn't a rush though.”

“Can I tell you and then be all done with talking tonight?”

“Sure Atsu.”

Atsumu is quiet for a moment, his fingers play with the fabric of Kiyoomi’s shirt. “I want to be able to bottom, it sucks having that whole realm of things be off limits. I want to be able to use my mouth but that one has a lot of other things connected to it so that might be tricky. In general I struggle to be underneath, I think that could be a good early on goal, just to get comfortable under another body. I used to-I mean, I want to be able to really go to town while on your lap. I think you might like that too.”

Kiyoomi pet his back through the whole list. His gut clenches as more of the whole story slides together with each sentence.

“I don't think I want to reclaim choking or…being hit so we can keep that a ‘No’.”

Kiyoomi closes his eyes and tries to control his breathing. Atsumu doesn't continue.

“Thank you. Just rest now my love.”

“Okay.”

Kiyoomi continues to slide his hand in circles on Atsumu’s back and before long his breathing becomes more even. He didn't end up crying tonight. Kiyoomi hopes he's not trying to hold it in. That's not good for the soul

Chapter Text

A loud crack of thunder wakes them both. Kiyoomi feels Atsumu turn over, hands searching the sheets. “Omi we only have 40 minutes till we have to get up.” His voice has a hint of a whine.

That is unfortunate. It doesn't really make sense to go back to sleep, they will both just feel worse. The world outside is dark and angry, water pelts the window. Kiyoomi shivers as he thinks about having to go out in that soon.

Atsumu rolls back over and cuddles up close. “We shouldn't sleep, right?” Atsumu mumbles.

“No, we shouldn't.” Kiyoomi says, his own eyes closed.

Atsumu settles his head onto Kiyoomi’s shoulder, “Do you happen to be in the mood to do anything? We have some time…”

Kiyoomi feels his heart rate jump at the idea, “Yes, do you have something in mind?”

“I do,” Atsumu's voice is shy.

Kiyoomi angles his head to kiss the hair in front of him, wrapping his free arm around the warm body.

“I want to…I'd be interested in keeping underwear on, but pants off and…rubbing against you.”

The image is glorious. It is definitely something Kiyoomi has thought about before - Atsumu rutting up against him, powerful hips jerking, as they slide together- “Yes.” Kiyoomi says louder than he means to.

“I have another request,” Atsumu takes a breath, “If I feel up for it can we switch positions so I'm on bottom? I might not like it and want to switch back right away, but I want to try, I want to gauge how it feels.”

Kiyoomi tries to glance down to see him, but all he gets to view is hair. They had their post bath conversation a few days ago, and to be honest, it seemed like some life had come back to Atsumu. Kiyoomi is a little worried about triggering Atsumu on purpose…but he trusts the other man. He has to trust him.

“If at any point, any point, you want to stop, we stop.” Kiyoomi says.

“You too Omi.”

“I feel really good about this plan.” Kiyoomi says.

Atsumu lets out a breath, “Can I take your pants off?”

“Yes, please…” Kiyoomi watches Atsumu sit up, and fling the covers back. His eyes roam Kiyoomi’s body and he can already feel himself getting excited under the attention. Atsumu slides his thumbs under the waistband and glances up to Kiyoomi’s eyes. Kiyoomi nods and he feels Atsumu start to pull them down. He lifts his hips and watches his pants fall away. He feels Atsumu's fingers brush against his thighs as he works them down. Atsumu turns to help him get them off of his ankles. It's strangely intimate, being undressed like this. He tosses the pants away and turns back to Kiyoomi.

He reaches over across Kiyoomi’s body and turns on the lamp. With the soft click the room is illuminated. Kiyoomi closes his eyes, and then squints, trying to adjust to the light. When he finally fully opens his eyes he sees that Atsumu is staring at his leg. Oh yeah. It's been years since he added so he doesn't really think about it. Ataumu’s hand comes up and runs over the parallel rows of scars, “Why?” He asks.

“Atsu, I'm okay, they are old.”

Atsumu looks up at him, there is so much weight in his gaze. He leans down to kiss him, and Kiyoomi is glad they aren't still both looking at his scars. “I'm gonna make you talk about this later,” Atsumu murmurs in-between kisses.

“Okay.” Kiyoomi responds as he tries to pull Atsumu closer.

“Wait-” Atsumu pulls back and flops down to pull off his own pants. Then he is back, leaning over Kiyoomi to kiss him. Atsumu is off to the side. Kiyoomi wants him in-between his legs.

Kiyoomi parts their lips, bringing his mouth to rest and gasp against Atsumu's cheek, “I want to keep going if you do.”

“Hell yes.” Atsumu swings his leg over Kiyoomi so that their groins are so close to touching. Kiyoomi looks and he is already partially hard, it looks like Atsumu might be too. Atsumu hand brushes over his thigh again and Kiyoomi looks at the fading bruises on Atsumu's. They are messy people, but they are messy and loving together. His eyes lift to Atsumu's face, “Ready?” Atsumu asks.

“Yes.”

Atsumu leans down over him and presses them together. Fuuuuck, fuck fuck fuck, is the mantra playing in Kiyoomi's head as he feels Atsumu’s hardness followed by his wet mouth on his lower neck. The slight height difference puts Atsumu a little lower. God Kiyoomi wants to kiss him. He hears himself whine out the world please and Atsumu lifts his head. Kiyoomi cranes his neck even though it hurts and captures his lips.

Ataumu's hand holds his ribs on either side, and then he starts to move his hips. He starts with long, slow pushes, grinding them together. Fuck, Kiyoomi wonders if Atsumu is just going slow or if he is showing Kiyoomi how slow he can go.

Kiyoomi pushes his tongue into Atsumu’s mouth and feels the moan Atsumu lets out. His noises. His moans. They drive Kiyoomi absolutely crazy. He loves hearing it. He loves hearing how good Atsumu feels. He moans back as Atsumu lines up their now aching erections for a couple of quick thrusts.

He untangles his hands from the sheets and grabs onto Atsumu's hips. “Yeah, yeah, move me, show me,” Atsumu says into his mouth. Holy fuck. He uses his hold on Atsumu to guide the movements. He gives them slow, long presses and then holds Atsumu in place as he bucks up fast, pressing their tips together again and again. “Ahh, Omi”. Atsumu has fallen back into the pit of his neck and Kiyoomi leans his head back. That's going to hurt later. He doesn't care. He pulls Atsumu down into him, hard, he feels how hard and hot he is. Kiyoomi wants, oh god he wants to lick him, wants to suck on his head and look up into his eyes.

He lets out a groaning gasp as Atsumu joins back in, urgently rocking his hips forwards. The two layers of soft fabric in-between them - someday they will be gone, and I'll really feel you, God I want to feel you everywhere -

“Switch, please, Omi.”

It takes a moment for the words to reach the thinking part of his brain. His hands release Atsumu’s hips and Atsumu crashes to the bed, hands trying to pull Kiyoomi overtop of him. Kiyoomi moves, he feels the crick in his neck from earlier, that is a later Kiyoomi problem. “How do you want me?”

Atsumu spreads his legs. Kiyoomi can feel his brain melting. He moves in between them, hands coming to rest on either side of Atsumu’s chest.

…

God he looks so good up there, face all blushed, eyes dark and focused. Atsumu looks down to where Kiyoomi is between his legs. Atsumu wraps his thighs around Kiyoomi and pulls him down on top of him. “Shit” Kiyoomi says, surprised, as his face lands next to Atsumu's. “You good?” Atsumu asks into his ear. Kiyoomi props himself up, eyes intense, “Yes, you?”

Atsumu gives a soft smile, “All good.” Kiyoomi breathes for a second. Is he stalling? “You can move, I'll say switch or tap.”

“Okay,” Kiyoomi nuzzles into his neck and gently presses down.

With the feeling of downward pressure his anxiety spikes immediately. It's not overwhelming but it's definitely there. It's just Omi, I'm safe, he reminds himself. He can tell Kiyoomi is hardly even pressing down, not even a fraction of what Atsumu had just been doing on top of him. He grabs onto Omi’s hair and tries to focus on the feelings, the good feelings. He's getting stuck inside his head. He feels pathetic. “Switch,” he says quietly. He is genuinely surprised when he feels hands grab him and quickly flip them over. Atsumu blinks to find himself somehow on Kiyoomi’s lap with the man laying down under him. He moved Atsumu was nothing…why is that so hot?

“Do you want to stop?” Those words. Forever those words.

“No-Holy shit Omi why are you so strong?”

Kiyoomi chuckles, a soft smile on his face as he gazes up at Atsumu.

The alarm startles them both. Atsumu groans and reaches over to silence it. The pattering of rain continues in the background. “So where were we?” Atsumu says.

Kiyoomi taps him, “Nope, no way are we going to be late and leave those poor kids waiting for us in the rain.”

“Ugh, there is a covered part, they will be fine.”

Kiyoomi gives him a look.

“Fine, but you're taking the shower and I'm finishing in the bed.”

Kiyoomi rolls his eyes but smiles.

They are late anyways because they both need to wrap things up for themselves. They run to the car and get inside as quickly as possible. “Shit.” Atsumu says when he sees the digital car clock.

They pull into the parking lot just as the rain picks up to a downpour. “Please tell me you grabbed the umbrella.”

“You don't have one that you keep in your car?”

“Guess we are running. Race ya.” Atsumu says as he jumps out of the car. The hollars when he feels how cold the rain is and tries to pull his jacket up to cover his neck. “Fuck!” He yells as he looks back and sees Kiyoomi jogging behind him, looking absolutely miserable, curls flattened to the top of his head. Atsumu laughs aloud as he keeps going. They round the corner and see all of their drenched students huddled under the covering outside of the gym doors.

Atsumu bends over under the pour of rain and laughs even harder.

“Idiot, get under the covering.” Kiyoomi pushes him forwards until he is in the shelter as well.

“Well aren't we a sorry lot?” Atsumu says, feeling that his smile is huge as he looks at his poor, cold students.

Kiyoomi sends the driest kid in to grab towels so that they don't drench the gym.

“Good thing we have a change of clothes stashed in your office, huh?” Atsumu asks.

“Yeah, it would be a miserable day otherwise.” Kiyoomi says, trying to wring out his shirt.

They get the kids dried and changed and put their wet uniforms in the drier. They have stopped dripping but Kiyoomi and Atsumu are still damp. Atsumu sees Kiyoomi shiver once in a while but he doesn't mention being uncomfortable.

They make it through practice and walk together to Kiyoomi’s office. They enter and Kiyoomi locks the door behind them. Atsumu collects their back up clothes from a drawer in the desk. He hands Kiyoomi’s clothes over and starts to pull his own shirt off over his head. He puts his arms through the dress shirt and starts to button it up, “God it feels good to be dry.”

“Mhmm,” Kiyoomi vocalizes. Atsumu looks up to see that he is changing his pants. He glances away quickly and works on his own pants. He hears Kiyoomi’s belt buckle and he looks up again. He really does look dapper in his business casual clothes. Atsumu pulls his tie around his neck and starts to tie the knot. “Omi…your leg.”

Kiyoomi is pulling on his own shirt now, “I'm really okay. It's been years now. I'm sorry that I forgot to warn you.”

“What happened?”

Kiyoomi rolls up his sleeves, “I really struggled with feeling like things were my fault.”

Kiyoomi steps forwards and helps Atsumu adjust his tie. “They looked like they hurt.”

“They did.” Kiyoomi says as he fixes Atsumu’s collar.

“Do yours itch in the summer?”

“Oh, like a motherfucker.” Kiyoomi says with a gentle smile, hands resting on his shoulders.

Atsumu sighs, “Ready to start the day?” Kiyoomi nods, “Lunch?”

“Lunch.” Atsumu says back.

…

They are always together. They even drive in together. He watches the way Coach Sakusa’s hands linger on Coach Miya to get him out of the rain. He feels weird about it. His coaches are his two favorite adults but it's strange to see them be so close.

Yuzuru wishes he could have watched them play in their prime. Neither Miya or Sakusa play much during practice but from the videos he has seen they were incredible. He's not a spiker but he can appreciate talent when he sees it. It's too bad Coach Sakusa had to leave the Jackals so early in his career. Yuzuru is helping a teacher drop off some boxes to the teacher offices when he sees Sakusa Sensei exit his office. He is quickly followed by Coach Miya, both of them are wearing fresh clothes. They speak quietly for a moment before Miya Sensei turns away towards his classroom. The interaction makes Yuzuru feel weird. Sakusa sees him down the hall and nods in his direction.

…

“Please Coach Miya!” there is a gang of boys of varying size surrounding Astumu. He takes a step back and nearly knocks over one of the first years. Kiyoomi covers his mouth as he quietly laughs. Almost every day the kids beg to have him set. It seems like today he might actually crack.

A voice speaks up from behind Kiyoomi, “Set to Coach Sakusa.” Some of the boys turn, their eyes alight with excitement. “Please Sakusa Sensei!”. Atsumu gives him a look, the students have never dragged Kiyoomi into this before. Atsumu's eyes hold a challenge. ‘I cant’ Kiyoomi mouths to Atsumu.

Atsumu smiles wide and Kiyoomi feels dread, he has an idea. That's his idea face.

“How about I set to you all and Yuzuru and Coach will defend?” Kiyoomi turns to Yuzuru who had spoken up and got Kiyoomi wrapped up in this in the first place. “I'm game,” Yuzuru says.

“Fine.” Kiyoomi says as he glares at Atsumu, who just smiles in return. Kiyoomi moves to the opposite side of the net and tries to crouch in position, the slacks and button up make it difficult. “I'm definitely going to be leaning on you,” he says to Yuzuru.

The students line up to underhand toss the ball to Atsumu before they begin their lead up to the jump. The first student jumps and hits the ball squarely, Yuzuru easily picks it up. The spiker lands and just stares at Atsumu who has a smug look on his face.

“Holy shit.” The students says. Atsumu’s smile turns into a glare, “Hey, watch it!”

The next student goes and Kiyoomi receives. This student also lands and immediately looks to Atsumu, a look of wonder on his face. Kiyoomi feels a pang of jealousy. He hasn't let Atsumu set him, not really. They do standing spikes but it's nothing compared to connecting in the air with him. He is caught in his thoughts and lets a ball fly by him before he manages to move. “Hey! Nice kill!” Atsumu calls out, looking directly at Kiyoomi. For a moment Kiyoomi remembers how he threw Atsumu over him in bed this morning. He wants to throw him again right now. He settles into position, and motions for Atsumu to bring it.

Atsumu smiles and looks to the next spikers, hands ready to throw a nearly perfect toss.

…

Kiyoomi shouldn't have played. He had already played with fire with his neck this morning. He really shouldn't have let Atsumu and the students goat him into playing. He rubs his neck as he walks with Atsumu back to the car.

“You gonna let me rub that at home?”

“Ugh, could you? It's your fault it hurts anyway.”

They both turn when they hear noise behind them, and there is Yuzuru. It looks like he panics for a moment before he blurts out, “It was fun to play with you, Coach Sakusa.”

Kiyoomi feels Atsumu elbow him and he says, “I'm glad you had fun. See you tomorrow.” Kiyoomi turns back around and keeps walking towards the car. He hears footsteps scuttle away back towards school.

Atsumu nudges him again and Kiyoomi grumbles “Shut up.”

“I didn't say anything!”

“You were thinking it loud enough.”

Atsumu unlocks the car and climbs in, smiling at Kiyoomi as he does the same.

“Does it make you uncomfortable? Being liked?”

“Yes.” Kiyoomi focuses on buckling before Atsumu's lack of starting the car forces him to look over.

“It happens. They are just kids, they don't know hardly anything.”

Kiyoomi looks out of his window, trying to show how uninterested in this conversation he is. Atsumu sighs and starts the car, “Grumpy Omi.”

“Oh God.” Kiyoomi slaps his forehead.

“What?”

“He asked me if I was married the other day.”

Atsumu laughs as he pulls out of the parking lot.

Chapter Text

Atsumu sits on his back and uses his talented fingers to push the pain away. Kiyoomi is no longer afraid to let Atsumu know how good it feels, he moans into the bed when Atsumu hits a good/painful spot.

Atsumu leans down to whisper “Nobody would ever guess that you're so damn loud in bed.”

“Shut up” he groans but the bite is taken out of the words as his back arches into the touch. Atsumu leans back and brushes his fingers all the way up his back. Kiyoomi feels goosebumps erupt all over his body. His body twitches as Atsumu resumes applying pressure to the base of his skull.
“Where is the pain?”

“Hmm, it's where my neck meets my shoulders. It's on the front too.”

“Want to flip?”

“Sure,” Kiyoomi pivots over and lets Atsumu resettle on his stomach. He looks up. He really loves seeing Atsumu above him. Atsumu slides his fingers up his chest. Kiyoomi cocks an eyebrow at him. Astumu smiles and brings his fingertips to the base of his neck. He slides his fingers along Kiyoomi’s clavicle before he seriously sets to work. Kiyoomi closes his eyes and leans his head back into the pillow. His neck is sensitive. Atsumu modulates his pressure, using a firm touch at the base before he lightens up as he rises higher. “Is this okay?”

“Mmm” Kiyoomi hums positively.

Atsumu wraps his hands more fully around his neck to use his thumbs along his jawline, “Ooooh,” Kiyoomi moans quietly. Kiyoomi opens his eyes to see Atsumu gently smile as he continues to rub up towards his ear. Apparently Kiyoomi just holds tension everywhere.

Kiyoomi reaches up and lightly grasps Atsumu’s wrists. He brings one hand to his mouth and kisses it. “I love you.”

Atsumu cups his cheek, he looks like he might be about to cry. “I love you too Omi.”

“What are you thinking?” Kiyoomi asks, letting the captive hand down.

“I'm thinking about you self harming.”

Kiyoomi lets out a breath, “What do you want to know?”

Atsumu climbs down from sitting on top of him and passes his shirt over. Kiyoomi sits up to put it on. Atsumu ruffles his hair after his head pops out of the collar. Kiyoomi lays down and Atsumu joins him.

“Can you tell me the story?”

Kiyoomi closes his eyes. “Not much of a story Love, my mom died, I fell into a pretty bad depression. I had so much guilt. It felt like all that hate and anger had to go somewhere.”

“Was it scary? Didn't it bleed?”

“They did. That was its own kind of hurt.”

“I'm sorry.” Atsumu says quietly.

Kiyoomi looks over, “Wow, that's impressive. How do you manage to apologize for something that happened when we weren't even speaking?”

Atsumu pokes him in the side, “Don't.” Kiyoomi warns.

“Just, the reason you hate blood is because of me.”

“You are not the reason I hate blood, but yes seeing it did make it worse…Honey, what I chose to do during those years has nothing to do with you.”

Atsumu stays quiet. Kiyoomi knows he must be thinking about something. “Hun, what is it?”

“You stopped. You said it has been years.”

“Yes…” Kiyoomi says carefully.

“I didn't stop. Well, I had stopped for a long time…but…”

Oh. Kiyoomi gets it.

“Relapses happen. You probably know this but self harm can be a kind of addiction. It's hard to stop, and sometimes even when you do stop, it starts again.”

“Why? Why does my brain want to hurt?”

“It's different for everyone. Sometimes it feels like the only way to calm down.” Kiyoomi feels Atsumu nod against him.

“It's not though. There are safer ways to calm down.” Kiyoomi adds.

“It's not just that, it's also wanting to…hurt me because I hate me.”

Kiyoomi bites against his top lip. Oh Atsu.

“Yeah. That is hard.” Kiyoomi whispers.

“I want to stop.”

“How did you stop in the past?”

“I played. Or I called Samu. Or I ran.”

“You can still do those things.”

“Yeah,” he says quietly.

“Atsu? Was that your first one in a while or has this been going on?”

“First in a while.”

Kiyoomi repositions under him, wrapping an arm around his back. “Someone once told me that a lapse doesn't have to be a relapse.”

Atsumu doesn't respond.

“It's okay if it is a relapse, we will work on it together, but for me, hearing that made me feel like I had power. That just because something happened once didn't mean I was doomed.”

“I'm trying not to freak out Omi but I'm really feeling like I want to run away.”

He passed his threshold of what he can handle talking about. “I'm sorry Atsu, we can be done talking about that. Hey, come to the couch, I'll make some popcorn and you can pick a movie.”

“Okay.”

They both leave the bedroom and Kiyoomi makes sure that Atsumu makes it to the couch and doesn't actually run.

As he listens to the microwave hum Kiyoomi’s mind jumps to the photo of little Atsumu in that field of flowers. That little kid is still in there, hurting and confused. Kiyoomi wants to find him and hold him. He can't undo everything life has already done, but he can love the shit out of the man who endured it.

…

Kiyoomi looks more nervous than Atsumu feels. Atsumu had asked him to apply pressure to different parts of his body. Atsumu has an idea of what bothers him but he wants to know more specifically.

“I'm going to need you to prompt me.”

Atsumu closes his eyes, tries to breath and relax. “Feet”. Two hands press his feet into the bed. It's weird but it's not uncomfortable. “Shins” The hands release him and then come to lay on the front of his leg and push. It's not a hard push, Kiyoomi is using a steady pressure. There is the first spike of anxiety, it's small. Atsumu thinks about how he could kick and the pressure would leave. “Thighs”. Again the hands leave and then resume in the center of his thigh and then they push. This is definitely worse, he feels way more pinned down. It's just Kiyoomi. Atsumu opens his eyes to see Omi watching him closely. Seeing Omi’s calm face quiets the anxiety some.

He lets Kiyoomi press a little longer as he tries to convince his brain that it's fine, it's safe. “Hips.” Hands push on either side, he can feel his hip bone poking into Kiyoomi’s hand. Surprisingly this one doesn't bother him hardly at all. He still has use of his legs and upper body, he could get away if he needed to. “Stomach”

Hands gently push on his belly, the body has a lot more give here, so Kiyoomi doesn't press as hard. It's mostly just uncomfortable but not actually scary.

“Chest.” The effect is immediate. He feels his eyes fly open and he makes eye contact with Omi. Something must be obvious on his face because Kiyoomi quickly retracts his hands. Atsumu takes a breath and closes his eyes. “Chest,” he says again. Kiyoomi hesitates but complies.

The downward pressure resumes and Atsumu can feel how the expanse of his back is pushed into the bed. What is most confusing is how his body reacts…it's getting excited. He can feel blood rushing to his groin despite the anxiety that is flooding his brain. The pressure brings memories to mind - memories of a heavy body sitting there - “Don't stop.” Atsumu says as he feels tears escape from his closed eyes. Atsumu talks to his own brain, his scared brain, he imagines he is talking to himself as a teen.

“It's scary isn't it? It's scary to know what people can do. The hands on you right now are safe hands. Good hands. Hands that will stop as soon as you ask.”

There is a quiet response from somewhere in his brain, it's not words but instead a feeling, ‘I'm trapped.’

Atsumu responds with words, “Tell him to stop. He will. He will stop right away.”

His body fights back, saying we don't want him to stop.

“Yes you do. You want this to stop. Tell him.”

Atsumu feels more tears flow past his closed eyes. He feels the hands on his chest start to pull away. He grabs onto Kiyoomi’s wrists and holds him there.

Atsumu looks inwards again and he feels himself, a part of himself curled up and scared. For a moment the hate he always feels towards himself falls away, how could he hate a poor kid who is scared?

“I was scared. You are scared. You have the power. Tell him to stop.”

He feels the wave of anxiety push through his body, hands still firmly pressing him down.

“I'll show you.” Atsumu says to himself in his head.

“Stop.” He says aloud and Kiyoomi rips his hands away, despite the hold Atsumu had on his wrists.

Atsumu opens his eyes and is surprised to see Kiyoomi looks freaked out. Atsumu wipes his eyes and tries to sit up, his body feels weak.

“What was that? You were shaking and crying.” Kiyoomi’s voice is thin.

“I think…I think I'm working through something. Could you do it again?”

“What? Atsumu…”

“It's okay, I promise.”

Kiyoomi’s hands shake as he replaces them back on his chest. He doesn't push down until Atsumu nods. The anxiety rushes in again, but not as heavy as last time. Atsumu closes his eyes and feels his confused body that is getting aroused from being held down.

He speaks to himself internally, “Kiyoomi is different. He doesn't actually want to be doing this, he doesn't find this exciting. I can feel that our body is reacting, getting ready to have to perform…I'm sorry we had to do that.”

That apology causes a quiet sob to move through his throat. And then it's like something in his brain cracks. His body is crying in earnest.

“I'm sorry we had to do that.” He says again. “We shouldn't have had to do that.”

Atsumu hears Kiyoomi’s broken voice, “Atsu please let me stop.” Atsumu nods and the hands are immediately gone.

Atsumu turns onto his side, curling his body around Kiyoomi who is kneeling.

“See? He doesn't want you like this. He doesn't want to see you cry. He doesn't want to hold you down. He isn't expecting…anything.”

Atsumu cries. It feels like his current adult self is crying but also his teenage self. His younger self’s cries are painful and sharp.

Kiyoomi doesn't touch him, just lets him cling to his legs and weep. As Atsumu regains his ability to breathe regularly Kiyoomi asks again, “Atsumu what was that?”

Atsumu uncurls a little and opens his eyes, his eye lashes are heavy and wet. Kiyoomi has wet tracks down his cheeks. Atsumu scoots over and waves Kiyoomi down next to him. Atsumu lets himself be curled up and held.

“Don't get all weird - but it felt like there was another me, in my head.”

Kiyoomi is quiet, as requested.

“It was teenage me, he was getting freaked out by the chest pressure. I was talking to him but he couldn't talk back. I could feel what he thought though.”

Atsumu grabs onto the soft shirt in front of him, “It was…so sad to see him, to feel him. Part of that crying was just sadness…for me, for him.”

“Atsumu, that's parts work.”

“Huh?” Atsumu pulls away a bit to look at Kiyoomi.

“There is a type of therapy called family systems and the premise is that we all have multiple senses of self, parts of a whole, inside of us.”

“Oh good. I was a little worried I had actually cracked.”

“I was worried you were having a flashback.”

“No, I think, if I wasn't able to stay in my adult brain it would have gone there, but I was able to stay here.”

“I'm so glad.” Kiyoomi says his voice earnest and quiet.

…

Kiyoomi has a feeling that the pressure activity has not been fully exhausted yet. They got to the chest and stopped for that session…But from how Atsumu reacted it is clear he is going to want to follow up and try again.

After their first session Kiyoomi kissed him all over his face and told him how God damn proud he was of him for saying ‘Stop’. It was the first time Atsumu had ever actually said it instead of using their tap method.

At first under the attention and praise Atsumu had laughed, but then he cried again. Kiyoomi stopped and apologized and Atsumu said “Please don't apologize Omi, I liked it so much.”

Atsumu might be the bravest, strongest person he knows…to willingly basically endure exposure therapy and do parts work…it's crazy, he's crazy…Kiyoomi knows it's a strength he will never have.

Right now Atsumu is carding fingers through his hair to massage his scalp with the few precious minutes they have before school. “Hey Omi?”

“Yup?”

“Are you ready to move in yet, or do I need to put it officially in writing.”

That gets a genuine laugh out of Kiyoomi, he tilts his head back to look at Atsumu on the couch above him, “Draw up lease for me to sign.”

Atsumu rolls his eyes, “Omiiii”.

Kiyoomi rights his neck and leans back into the legs behind him, “Are you sure?”

“Ya basically already live here.”

“That's not a good reason.”

“Okay, I want you to, is that a good enough reason?”

“I want to also.”

Atsumu puts his fingers back into his hair, “Good.”

Chapter Text

His hips have a mind of their own as he ruts into the pillow. Sorry Omi. Atsumu presses his face into the bed, one arm braced above him, the other holding the pillow in place. He slows down, a gasp is punched out with each hard kick of his hips. It's just a pillow, it's not even that good, but his imagination makes it perfect.

In his head his hands are fisted into Kiyoomi’s hair, careful not to pull on his neck, but still holding him still. Each push into the pillow is a push into Omi. Oh God how he would moan. Atsumu can feel a wet spot forming below his open mouth.

Kiyoomi is out getting groceries. Atsumu can be loud, he can be messy. He lets the moan tear through his chest as his hips stutter forwards. He picks his chest up, braces the pillow better and fucks forwards quickly. Fuck. Fuck. He wants to fuck Kiyoomi. He wants to fill him and make him moan. Atsumu wants to ruin him in the best possible ways. He bends over, uses his bent elbows to hold the pillow and pounds forwards. Fuck fuck, baby, you feel so good. Atsumu slams in and he feels his hips give little jerks, he feels his cock pulse, he feels warm liquid fill the condom. He pants, dick pressed firmly inside the fold of the pillow. He twitches. He can't remember if he moaned or not, he is so blissed out.

It feels like his brain is floating as he lets his body lay collapsed over a pillow. He takes in gulps of air. God. He's going to lose it if they ever actually do this. There is a part of him that wants to cover Kiyoomi’s insides with his cum, he doubts that would ever fly though, that's okay, that's why imaginations exist. As his mind comes back to him the position becomes more uncomfortable. He groans as he sits up, wrapping a hand around himself, squeezing slightly as the very last bits of pleasure leave. If he laid down he would fall back asleep, but then he would wake up to a worse mess.

He convinced himself to stand and go to shower. He can always rub out another in there.

…

Kiyoomi feels hands slide up his back as he stands at the sink washing their produce. “Hey” he says, paying attention to the way Atsumu's hands lightly grab at his waist.

“Hey” Atsumu purrs behind him. Kiyoomi feels goosebumps spread around his body at the tone of voice.

“Are you riled up?” He asks, using his fingernail to pick the stickers off the apples.

“Maybe…” Atsumu says near his ear as his fingers dig into Kiyoomi’s soft sides, “Already came twice today but I'm still not satisfied.” Oh fuck. Kiyoomi blinks as he turns his head to try and look at Atsumu over his shoulder. Atsumu pulls his head back to start mouthing at the back of Kiyoomi’s exposed neck. Kiyoomi sucks in a stuttering breath. Fuck now he is thinking about Atsumu masturbating this morning…Kiyoomi wonders what he did.

“Are you interested? Or should I continue solo?” The mouth against him pulls away to allow him the chance to think. Kiyoomi is very much interested.

“You sure you can go a third time?” He tries to joke.

“Not even close to my record.” Atsumu murmurs from behind him, hands lightly pulling on the belt loops of Kiyoomi’s jeans. Jesus. This man.

Kiyoomi whirls around and quickly wraps his arms around Atsumu, not forcing him to stay, but encouraging closeness. Atsumu licks his lips, ending the display with a gentle bite to the bottom one, “So?”

Kiyoomi bends his neck to nuzzle into the sensitive skin below Atsumu’s ear, “I'd love to help you get to three.”

Atsumu gasps, his neck is always so sensitive, “ahh, that sounds like I'm being selfish, Omi.”

“Be selfish. Tell me what you want.”

He feels Atsumu inhale, their bodies right up against each other. “Ahh, fuck, I wanna cum on your lap, want you to feel me.” Kiyoomi groans next to his ear. What does it say about Kiyoomi that he would love to watch his partner cum with no plan for him to finish too?

“God yes, where?”

“Bed?”

Atsumu lets out something akin to a squeal when Kiyoomi starts kissing him and walking him backwards towards the door. He cradles Ataumu’s head as he backs him up into the wall. He realizes that he has pinned the man and immediately steps back. Atsumu looks at him, cheeks pink, chest rising quickly.

“Omi…has anyone ever told you that you're kind of intense?”

Kiyoomi brings a hand up to cover his eyes as he laughs quietly. He looks back at Atsumu, “I may have been told once or twice.”

Atsumu smiles and glances at the doorway.

“You sure you want this? It's okay if you want to go solo.”

“I really want this, come on Omi.” Atsumu has reached out a hand. Kiyoomi couldn't do anything except take it and follow.

Atsumu pushes him onto the bed, Kiyoomi hits it with a slight bounce, blinking up at Atsumu cast in a cool light from the window. “I'm really fucking horny, are you sure you're up for this?” Atsumu asks as he crawls into the bed.

“Hell yes.” Kiyoomi scoots back, letting his back rest against the wall. Atsumu looks at him for a moment, “How much am I allowed to take off?” Kiyoomi’s heart jumps into his throat. “I'm okay with anything,” he says weakly.

Atsumu tsks, “No blanket consent in this household, Omi,” he sits back on his heels. “Let's actually discuss it before our brains turn to…as you put it, mush.”

Kiyoomi crosses his legs, takes a deep breath and nods. “You can wear any level of clothing, including none.”

“I'd like you to keep yours on.”

Kiyoomi nods.

Atsumu continues, “I was thinking I could straddle your lap. I can either jerk off or rub on you or both. Thoughts?”

Kiyoomi closes his eyes for a moment and bites his teeth together. God. Atsumu is sometimes so blunt. “I am happy with all of those options, you can decide as it happens.”

Kiyoomi opens his eyes to see Atsumu looking back, “Anything else we should discuss?”

“Where can I touch you?”

Atsumu brings his fingers up to rub against his lips before he responds, “How about anywhere you've put your hands before?”

Kiyoomi nods, “I'm going to get hard, you can ignore it.”

“What if I don't want to ignore it? Can I rub on you? Like last time?”

Kiyoomi nods again and says “Yeah.”

Atsumu smiles, “Anything else Omi?”

“Wait.”

Atsumu's eyes are concerned.

“You said that this type of thing might be tricky.”

Atsumu frowns and it looks like he might be biting the inside of his cheek.

“I'm not saying we can't, I just want to know what to look out for. What are the tricky parts?”

Atsumu huffs but doesn't actually seem annoyed, “I need to not get caught in my head about whether you're enjoying it, that's why you're keeping your clothes on, and we aren't doing anything penetrative so we are good in that department.”

“Would you rather I keep my hands to myself?” Kiyoomi asks.

“Nope, I like it when you touch me. If it's too much I'll tell you.”

“Okay, can you check in? Make sure you feel good?”

Kiyoomi watches Atsumu close his eyes for a moment as he takes a deep breath. His eyes reopen, “I'm good, still horny as all hell.”

“Whenever you're ready then…” Kiyoomi says gently. The pace has slowed down considerably from how they entered the room. It's for the best, because they needed to talk, but with the urgency gone Kiyoomi starts to feel self conscious. Would Atsumu be better off doing this on his own? Atsumu interrupts his thoughts by stripping his pants and shirt off and planting himself directly onto Kiyoomi’s lap, knees coming to rest on either side of his hips. Atsumu settles against his legs, hands brushing gently through his buzzed hair.

A lone pair of tight black briefs is what separates Atsumu from Kiyoomi’s pants. Kiyoomi resists the urge to look down and instead keeps his eyes focused on Atsu. Atsumu raises his chin slightly and presses his semi-hard bulge into Kiyoomi’s stomach. Kiyoomi lets his head thunk against the wall. He hears Atsumu laugh gently before he is moving his hips again. The angle isn't quite right for Kiyoomi to get any direct contact, but that is totally okay, this is for Atsumu.

Kiyoomi lets his hands slide up the expanse of back, feeling muscles ripple under his touch. Atsumu gives a breathy moan and leans his head next to Kiyoomi’s. Their bodies are pressed close together, he feels each push of Atsumu’s hardness against his stomach. “Oh god, Omi,” Atsumu breathes against his ear. Kiyoomi’s hands are laying flat along his back, he resists the urge to grab and pull. He wants Atsumu to just keep using him.

Meanwhile Atsumu grabs hard, first to his shoulder, then to his hips, and then finally to his hair. Kiyoomi groans as his head is held in place as Atsumu grinds against him. It's unbearably hot. Atsumu always ran so warm, but like this, bare skin, while Kiyoomi is still fully clothed, he feels like he is overheating. “Omi- ah ah - Omi - can I push ‘em down?” Atsumu’s voice is breathy in his ear.

“Yeah, yes.” Kiyoomi’s own voice sounds strained.

Atsumu lifts his hips for a moment and pushes his briefs down his legs. He doesn't get off Kiyoomi’s lap, instead settling to have them just be stretched around his upper thighs. Atsumu grabs onto Kiyoomi’s shirt and pulls it down, making it taunt against his stomach. Atsumu holds the fabric like that and presses his body close again. Atsumu gives a purposeful grind of his hips and Kiyoomi can really feel him, that single layer of fabric is not hiding much.

“Oh, Atsu, oh, oh,” Kiyoomi tries to keep his voice quiet but it's hard to be completely silent.

“Is this okay?” Atsumu asks, slowing a little.

“God yes, so good, if you want to keep the shirt that's fine but I don't need it.”

“Fuck,” Atsumu whispers and he hikes up Kiyoomi’s shirt to rut against his bare skin.

Kiyoomi sucks in a shaking breath, oh god. Oh good God. Atsumu holds onto his back, fingers digging in, as his hips buck letting Kiyoomi feel everything. Atsumu gives a deep moan, his dick pressed fully in-between their two bodies. “Atsu, Atsu…”

“Omi” his name is breathed into his own neck. Kiyoomi wants him to cum, wants to hold him while he shakes, but he knows better than to say as much. He focuses on the feeling instead, the feeling of Atsumu's hard cock head rubbing against the flat of his stomach. The feeling of Atsumu's open mouth moaning into his skin. The feeling of strong fingers gripping his back. The feeling of being trusted and loved. “Atsu - ah - Atsumu!”

Kiyoomi feels the knees on either side of his body clench, squeezing him tightly - his thighs were always so strong. Atsumu’s voice pitches higher and he grabs on incredibly hard, nails scraping through fabric. He lets out a few strangled gasps as his body jerks harshly and then Kiyoomi feels it, feels the wet on his skin. He is surprised that he doesn't hate it. He doesn't even dislike it. He…likes it, he feels like he belongs to Atsumu in the most basic, animalistic way. He continues to hold Atsumu as his body jerks a few more times, Kiyoomi can feel the smaller individual pulses of his cock, still trapped between them. Kiyoomi is so fucking hard.

He rubs Atsumu’s back as his body slumps against him, breathing harshly. The fingers that had clawed at his back fall away to rest on Atsumu's thighs. “Oh wow,” Atsumu murmurs, “that was definitely the best one today.”

Kiyoomi keeps rubbing his back.

Atsumu leans back slightly and looks down in-between them. He looks back up at Kiyoomi’s face, his eyes glance between both of Kiyoomi’s. “Nothing is going to happen.” He says quietly.

“Nothing is going to happen.” Kiyoomi assures.

“That kind of blows my mind…” Atsumu says, “You definitely deserve the shower first, just let me grab a washcloth first.”

Atsumu climbs off of him, groaning as he closes his legs, the muscles must be a little sore from stretching like that. “Take your time love, I'm really okay.” Kiyoomi closes his eyes as he listens to Atsumu leave the room. Holy shit. That might be the hottest thing that has ever happened to Kiyoomi. And best of all, Atsumu had really seemed okay afterwards too.

Atsumu returns and Kiyoomi jumps a little when he feels a warm washcloth on his stomach. He opens his eyes to see Atsumu gently wiping him down, “thank you,” Kiyoomi whispers.

Atsumu kisses his cheek and makes him get up to shower. It takes about one minute in the shower for Kiyoomi to cum too. Kiyoomi had never enjoyed having cum on him…before today. His brain just didn't bother him about it. He's not sure if it's just that he has a handle on his OCD or if it's the person whose cum it was. Either way, he won't mind experiencing that again…won't mind at all.

Chapter Text

Atsumu lets gravity bring him down onto the bed. He rests on his back because frankly his stomach is a mess. Messy with his cum, the cum he got on…Omi. Atsumu sits upright quickly, he glances at the door, the sound of a shower coming through. They hadn't talked about that. Actually when they had talked about their yes’s and no’s Kiyoomi had specifically said he didn't want any bodily fluids except for spit.

Atsumu hadn't stopped, he hadn't asked…he just had kept going. He feels sick. He feels sick to his stomach. His stomach…he looks down. He's dirty. He made Kiyoomi dirty. He's freaking out.

He can feel his brain shift into something different, something scary. He fucked up. He needs to go. His brain jumps between options. Logical, adult Atsumu tries to hold on, tries to fight the waves of panic. When his brain offers him running, legit running, he picks that. He gets his clothes and shoes on and goes. He runs too fast, his body just needs to move. Each footfall is heavy, a stomp but also a push forwards.

It's still midday, the sky is cloudy but bright. Atsumu takes his prefered nature trail and lets his body run. At this point he has slowed to an actual jog, a normal speed. The sprint from earlier lies heavy and raspy in his lungs. His body wants to stop but he pushes onwards. He goes until he physically feels like his legs might collapse and he braces himself against a tree. His lungs and throat hurt, he coughs, spits and tries to breathe. His abdomen and legs are shaking, he looks up to his hands, they are too. He uses his shirt to wipe his face and turns to sit against the tree. Fuck. Why did he do that? He presses his shaking hands into his eyes and actually screams. He hears birds take flight. It's a secluded trail…he hopes he didn't just scare the shit out of someone.

Why? Why the fuck is he like this? Why is he so fucked up? Dreaming about a student? Hurting his partner by taking his choice away and doing something horrible…Atsumu has the urge to hit. He wants to so fucking bad. He could hit this tree until his hands were raw. He stands on shaking legs and keeps running. His legs tremble and he doesn't get very far before he collapses again. He's so dumb. He's so stupid. He’s so fucked up.

…

Kiyoomi comes out of the shower, he feels good, refreshed. He goes into the bedroom for clothes. They still have the whole rest of the day together, and then tomorrow too. Weekends are amazing. He dresses and wanders out to find Atsumu and have him shower next. His stomach sinks with the familiar panic of Atsumu being missing. Both cars are still in the driveway…his running shoes are gone, okay that's promising. Kiyoomi calls him and hears the phone ring in the bedroom. That's way less promising.

Kiyoomi ends the call and lays a hand on his chest as he takes a deep breath. Don't panic. Don't overreact. Trust him. Trust him to come back.

It's hard. It's fucking hard. There are so many things that could be going wrong right now. His thoughts range from practical, a twisted ankle, to ridiculous visions of a bear mauling Atsumu. Although it is ridiculous and highly unlikely that's that one his brain jumps on. The blood.

Fuck Atsumu. Kiyoomi doesn't know what to do with himself. He paces. He checks the windows, he paces on the porch, he thinks about calling again even though he has Atsumu’s phone in his pocket.

Finally he calls Osamu.

“I don't like getting calls from you, it's always bad news. Please tell me it's not bad news.”

“Not bad news, not good news either. I think something freaked Atsumu out and he took a run but he left his phone. I'm just worried and I'm not sure what to do.”

“He does that, he's safe on runs as far as I know. What happened?”

“I think he got triggered by something we did…”

“God dammit Omi I swear to god if you're doing som--”

“Please Osamu, please don't.”

The plee seems to shut him up for a moment, “Fine, fine, it's not like I don't have the pleasure of hearing, in detail, how intense you are about consent from my brother.”

Kiyoomi hears the sigh through the phone line.

“You just gotta wait for him. He’ll come back.”

“What if he doesn't?”

“Honestly, if he doesn't come back to you, he’ll probably wind up here somehow.”

“Osamu what if…”

“I think it's too early to start calling the sniffer dogs Omi.”

“Yeah…”

Kiyoomi hears a high voice in the background, “Is that Akari?”

“Hmm? Oh yeah, she's wondering who I'm talkin’ to.” Then quieter Kiyoomi hears, “It's Uncle Tsumu’s Omi-kun.”

Omi-kun…

Osamu returns to full volume, “Keep me updated, yeah?”

“Will do, thank you for the reassurance, Osamu.”

“Sure, sure…” the line goes quiet.

Kiyoomi puts his phone down. Osamu still doesn't like him very much. As soon as the immediate distraction of a phone call is gone the body panic is back. He just has to wait…might as well be distracted.

He calls Hinata.

“Hello? Is this a butt dial?”

“No, do you have a minute?”

“Woah! Hi Kiyoomi. I don't think you've ever called me. Yeah I'm just changing, give me a second.”

There is rustling and then overlapping voices. Hinata must be in the Jackals locker room.

“Still here?” comes the chipper voice

“Yes.”

“I've stepped out, what's up? Is Atsumu okay?”

“I'm not sure, I think so. He left all of a sudden while I was showering…right after we had been intimate. His running shoes are gone but he left his phone, and I'm kind of panicking and I thought that you know him real well, and maybe you can help me understand how to help him better…”

“Wow, okay, I think that's the most I've ever heard you talk…let me process for a sec.”

Kiyoomi tries to wait patiently, he keeps his body pacing on the porch.

“So he bolted right after sex? Did he seem upset after?”

“No, not at all, he seemed really good…but we had done something new.”

“Ah, I see…” Kiyoomi notices that his voice is different.

“What? What is it?”

“I think he's probably just regulating, trying to calm down.”

“That's what Osamu said. Hinata, why didn't he bring his phone?”

“Sometimes we just forget when our brains are all crazy.”

Kiyoomi’s voice is soft, “Do you think he's going to be safe?”

Hinata is quiet, “It's okay to be worried, I know that you have a history with this.”

“He told you.”

“Yeah, he needed to talk about it.”

“Hinata, when…when he comes back, if he comes back…”

“He will.” Hinata interrupts.

“What should I do? How do I help him?”

“What do you normally do?”

“We…we haven't had this problem since…before. The last time he ran…was ‘the’ time.”

“Ah, yeah, I see why you're freaking out. This happens. When he was still on the Jackals, he sometimes would call me after a hookup, he would be all…upset and sometimes he would jog, sometimes he would just talk. He just needed something to put his energy into.”

The knowledge that Atsumu can get triggered and stay safe is reassuring. The idea of Atsumu putting himself into hurtful hookup situations…is less reassuring.

“Oh, I didn't know that…”

“He will come back, he always did.”

“Okay.”

“He will.”

“Okay Hinata, thank you.”

“Mhm, anytime. We are both on Atsumu’s team.”

“Thank you for being there for him.”

“You’re welcome.”

They wrap up their conversation and say their goodbyes. Kiyoomi sits on the porch steps, head turning at every sound. Come home. Please come home.

…

The sweat covering his skin cools fast and before he knows it his whole body is shivering. He doesn't want to go back. He really doesn't want to go back. The shame burns hot as his skin grows cold.

He walks, no longer able to do more, his legs are so weak. The urge to hurt hasn't left. So far he has held back, but it feels like just barely. He realized a while ago he didn't bring his phone. He's going to need to go back for it. Maybe Omi will have left. Hopefully Omi will have left. As he walks he takes breaks, his lungs still burn. He's not fit like he used to be.

He exits the trail and heads down the paved road towards the house. Maybe a car or truck will just help him out and take him out. He feels terrible for thinking it. Feels terrible for wishing to be a third death in Kiyoomi’s young life.

His legs ache, the muscles feel raw. He continues on. He just wants to get somewhere he can be warm and still. He walks up the driveway to the house, both cars are unfortunately still there.

“Atsumu! Thank God.” Kiyoomi is standing on the porch steps, hand on the railing.

Atsumu knows he needs to apologize, frankly he should grovel. He forces his eyes forwards and walks up to the steps. He looks up. Kiyoomi looks so fucking scared. Atsumu looks down and feels his hands clench at his sides. He's a monster.

“Just need my phone and keys,” he says as he climbs up the other side of the stairs. His legs feel like they might actually rebel on each step.

“You're leaving?” The voice is quiet.

Atsumu stops, hand reaching for the door handle. “You can stay here until…”

“No. You can't just go without talking to me. We promised each other.” Kiyoomi’s voice shakes. Atsumu stays turned away. He opens the door and steps in. The change in temperature hits him and his body shivers again. He is so cold and thirsty. He goes straight into the kitchen and puts his mouth under the faucet. He drinks as much as he can, hands braced on the counter. He turns off the water and takes a moment to catch his breath.

“I'm not going to force you to stay, but please at least talk to me before you go.”

Atsumu turns, hands still against the counter, he sees Kiyoomi’s hunched over form by the doorway.

Atsumu turns back to the sink. His chest feels like it is going to explode. “I'm sorry. I'm so sorry.”

“I was worried about you, but you don't have to be sorry for leaving, you came back after all.”

Atsumu feels his brain stall for a moment. “I…Kiyoomi I…” he feels all mixed up, his body is so tired, exhausted physically and mentally. He slides down and sits in front of the sink.

Kiyoomi comes forward and before Atsumu can tell him to stop he is feeling his forehead, “Hun you're burning up.”

“I didn't ask. I didn't ask you if I could. You said no bodily fluids.”

Atsumu sucks in a breath as he watches Kiyoomi’s eyes widen. “Oh love, oh, no, no no no I'm not upset, not at all.”

Atsumu closes his eyes. He doesn't understand.

“You're right, I should have specified more clearly. What you did was okay. I promise it was okay.”

Atsumu is overwhelmed, “It's not okay. It's not okay because I thought. I thought…”

“Hey, hey, breath” Kiyoomi has hands on his cheeks, thumbs running over his wet face. Oh, he's crying again.

“I didn't know if it was okay and I did it anyway.”

…

His skin is so clammy and he is shaking slightly. For a minute what he says doesn't make sense, and then it all clicks into place. He thinks he hurt Kiyoomi.

Kiyoomi knows that what Atsumu is feeling is real, but he also knows that the other man’s view of the situation is being skewed by his own past experiences. Kiyoomi wipes his cheeks and grapples with how to explain - how to explain that it's not the same.

First, let's meet his physical needs. Kiyoomi keeps one hand on his face and puts the other on his hand, encouraging him to stand. Please let me take care of you. Please. Atsumu follows his lead, moving as if dazed and confused. Kiyoomi braces a hand along his back and brings him into the bathroom. He turns on the shower and once the water is warm he looks at Atsumu. He stands, body swaying slightly, eyes blinking but quite unfocused. Atsumu suddenly moves, he climbs into the shower clothes all still on. He sits under the spray of water, hands wrapping around his knees.

That's…fine. The point was to warm him up and this will work. Kiyoomi goes into the bedroom and pulls out some of Atsumu's favorite lounge clothes. When he returns he peeks through the curtain to see that Atsumu is still sitting there. Maybe he just needs to process for a minute. Kiyoomi puts the clothes down and sits on the closed toilet seat.

“I'm here, just didn't want to surprise you. Take your time.” Kiyoomi says into the quiet room.

They sit like that for several minutes until Atsumu says, “Kiyoomi.”

“Yes?”

“Why are you taking care of me?”

“Because I love you, and your body needs taking care of.”

“You hadn't consented.”

“Atsumu,” despite having been given several minutes, Kiyoomi isn't exactly sure how to best express what he thinks, “I didn't not-consent either.”

He continues when Atsumu stays silent,

“People..people who don't have histories like you, they don't always talk about everything, not everything is black and white. We set up agreement before hand, and that helps us, but…God, I'm sorry I'm not explaining this well.” He takes a breath, “I can say no, I can say stop, that isn't something I struggle with. I knew how things were going, I knew that you were probably, hopefully, going to finish. I wanted you to, if I hadn't wanted it, I would have told you.”

He hears a high pitched whine come from inside the shower. Kiyoomi grits his teeth together.

“When I said that about bodily fluids I should have been more specific, I shouldn't have left ambiguity…I'm sorry that I was unclear. I know it's hard to believe, because it's different, but you didn't take my choice away, you didn't hurt me, everything you did I wanted.”

“No,” Atsumu groans.

“I don't struggle to say stop. I don't need to arrange consent ahead of time. It's okay that you do. It's okay that we have different circumstances.”

Kiyoomi can hear the choked sounds of crying.

“Nori took advantage of you. He took your ability to say no and did things without asking. That wasn't okay. That wasn't okay at all, but that's not what you did. What we did was consensual. I promise.”

“Kiyoomi…” the voice is weak, hardly audible over the shower.

Kiyoomi pulls the curtain slightly and looks in. Atsumu is on his side, curled up, water raining down over him. “Are you warm?”

Atsumu nods and Kiyoomi shuts off the water. The small room is suddenly quiet. “Love, can you sit up? I want to get you dry.”

“Can I be alone please?”

Kiyoomi’s stomach twists, “Yes, of course.”

He puts the towel next to Atsumu and leaves the room. Once in a separate space he feels so much hit him. The anxiety of waiting - of not knowing if he would even come back - and then the pain of watching Atsumu fall apart because he had thought…thought he had assaulted Kiyoomi. He grabs at his chest and leans against the wall. He hears Atsumu moving on the other side of the door.

Kiyoomi pulls out his phone and texts Osamu, “He's home, still quite upset, but not quite for the reason I had thought. You might want to check in with him later.”

“Thanks.” Osamu texts back.

He texts Hinata too, “He came back. Thank you for talking with me.”

“He okay?” Hinata texts back.

“Kind of. He hadn't been triggered in the way I had assumed. He had believed, maybe still believes, that he hurt me.”

“Did he?”

The question surprises Kiyoomi, “No, he hadn't.”

Hinata doesn't respond to that, at least not before Atsumu exits the bathroom fully dressed in fresh clothes. His face is weary, eyes exhausted and red. He startles a bit when he sees Kiyoomi right outside the bathroom. “Am I on suicide watch?”

“No, no…should you be?”

“No, I'm safe.”

“What do you need?”

Atsumu looks down, “I think I need to sleep. Can I please be alone for a while? I promise to be safe.”

“Sure Hun, I'll bring some water in and then let you be.”

Atsumu doesn't respond, just walks into the bedroom and lays down, back to the door. Kiyoomi fills a glass and places it on the bedside table.

“Rest well, Atsu.”

Chapter Text

The house is quieter than it ever usually is when they are both home. Atsumu has been in the bedroom for several hours and the sky is darkening quickly. Kiyoomi is still finding it hard to know what to do with himself. Around 7pm he goes in to check on Atsumu. The man turns when he hears the door open, the room is pitch black except for the hall light that Kiyoomi lets in.

“Are you hungry?” He asks, even though he is almost certain the man is probably ravenous.

“I wish you would stop taking care of me.”

Kiyoomi doesn't respond and instead comes to kneel on the floor at the edge of the bed. Atsumu watches him.

“Do you remember when I told you that you had been groomed?”

Atsumu turns his head to look up at the ceiling.

“I had felt like I had taken your choice. I had felt like I had hurt you and wasn't careful enough…hell I still feel that way.”

He watches as Atsumu's throat moves to swallow.

“It is such a hard feeling to hold. The feeling that you betrayed the one you love.”

The muscles in Atsumu’s jaw clench.

“Please use all that trust we have built up to believe me when I say that I didn't feel any regret afterwards, honestly I was looking forward to doing that again someday.”

Atsumu speaks, “I wanted to be more different by now. I wanted to be better for you.” his voice chokes off at the end and his eyes spill tears.

Kiyoomi wants to huddle him up into a ball and hold him, but he's not sure that's what Atsumu wants.

Kiyoomi feels his own voice catch in his throat, “I don't need you to be anything but you.”

“That's dumb Omi.”

“It's not. That's how you think of me…I think.”

Atsumu groans and pushes his fists into his eyes, “Don't do that, don't make me see logic.”

Kiyoomi quietly chuckles, his own eyes close to overflowing, “Thank you for coming back.”

Atsumu nods, hands still on his face.

“It would feel really good to keep taking care of you.”

Atsumu lets his hands fall away and takes a deep breath, “You're killing me.”

Kiyoomi rests his head on the edge of the bed and whispers, “Has anyone ever told you that you're kind of intense?”

Atsumu lets out a snort and turns to look at him, face wet with tears, but not actively crying.

“Why are you so good?” Atsumu asks, making eye contact.

Kiyoomi glances away but keeps his head resting on the bed.

“Atsumu, people who are capable of hurting other people on purpose don't react like you did today.”

“Maybe.” Comes Atsumu’s clipped reply.

“Will you let me feed you?”

“You're giving me whiplash here Omi.”

“Sorry.”

Atsumu takes a breath, “On the steps out front, you looked scared. I thought you were scared of me…but really you had been scared for me.”

“Yes, I was quite worried. I even called Hinata and Osamu.”

“Like a conference call?”

Kiyoomi laughs, “No, no, one at a time.”

‘Thank God, I don't need those two ganging up on me at once. Was Samu mean to you?”

“He was fine.”

“He’ll warm up to you again, he's just protective.”

Kiyoomi smiles, “I don't think I told you what he texted me after the holiday party.”

“Oh God…”

“It was something like, ‘Be fucking careful, he was always too good for you’.”

“God why is he like this?” Atsumu has turned his head and is looking at Kiyoomi who is resting a few inches away.

“Honestly, I love that you have him.”

Atsumu’s eyes stay trained on his, “You don't have to stay on the floor.”

“I'm okay.”

“Could you…do you want to come up?” Atsumu glances away and then back as he asks.

“Yeah, how do you want me?”

“Can you go behind me?”

“Sure love.” Kiyoomi rights his body and climbs into the bed from the side. He lays behind Atsumu, giving them a few inches of space between their bodies.

“Do you want to be close?” Atsumu asks, face pointing away from Kiyoomi.

“Yes.” Kiyoomi pulls himself forwards and presses his nose into the back of Atsumu's neck. His skin smells clean, he smells like home. He tentatively wraps his arms around Atsumu's middle and relaxes his body when Atsumu nods into the touch.

Kiyoomi breathes in deeply and lets the air out through his nose. Atsumu came back.

“Where did you go?” He whispers.

“Just ran on the trail.”

“How far did you run?”

“Honestly, I'm not sure.”

They lay together and Kiyoomi pays attention to Atsumu's steady breaths and the way it feels to have his face pressed into his neck.

“I really love you.” Kiyoomi murmurs into the soft skin there.

“I love you too.” Atsumu says after a moment.

Kiyoomi pulls Atsumu a little closer and then loosens the hold that his arm has around him, “No one has ever taken my…contamination anxiety so seriously.”

“It matters to me.”

“I know.” Kiyoomi whispers and presses his face closer into Atsumu, “You must be hungry, Atsu…”

“I am.”

“You ran really hard, huh?”

“Yeah,” Atsumu turns under his arm so that they are facing. He reaches up and gently holds Kiyoomi’s cheeks with his fingertips. Atsumu is looking into his eyes, searching, “Can you tell me again?”

“You didn't hurt me. I wanted all of it. If I hadn't wanted it I would have told you to stop.” Kiyoomi watches Atsumu squeeze his eyes shut as he listens.

“You are sure…?”

“I am absolutely sure.”

Atsumu bites at his lip, eyes cast down, “Okay.”

“Atsu, can I kiss you?”

Atsumu's eyes jump up, his eyebrows pushed down, giving him a disgruntled and confused expression. “You want to? After everything I put you through today?”.

“I want to, but it's okay if you don't want to.”

“I do.” Atsumu slides his fingers around his neck to the back of his head and pulls him forwards. Kiyoomi closes his eyes and feels Atsumu’s soft lips slide against his. The hand in his hair, cradling his head is firm. Kiyoomi uses the arm around Atsumu to apply gentle pressure against his back, pushing them closer together. Chest to chest they press into each other. Atsumu licks at Kiyoomi’s bottom lip and they both open their mouths, letting the other in. Kiyoomi feels his heart swell with love and longing. He wants Atsumu to be impossibly close to him. He hears Atsumu whimper into his mouth and Kiyoomi pulls back. Atsumu tries to use his hold to pull Kiyoomi back in but Kiyoomi whispers “stop,”. Atsumu lets go and opens his eyes. Those beautiful, honey auburn eyes.

“I want to feed you, and take care of you, and cherish you.”

Atsumu scrunches his face up, it looks like he might be fighting back tears.

“I'll eat.” He finally says.

Kiyoomi kisses his forehead and gets up

Chapter Text

Kiyoomi is unbearably gentle with him the whole weekend. There is a part of Atsumu that almost gets freaked out by it, that wants to push Kiyoomi away, there is another deeper part that just wants to drown in the attention.

Kiyoomi doesn't initiate anything beyond gentle touches and benign kissing. Atsumu is thankful, but also irked that he knows he needs that. Once or twice Atsumu tried to get things going, to which Kiyoomi just pulled back and said, “no thank you.”

Kiyoomi is rubbing his calves, holding his legs in his lap while Atsumu lays back on the couch. He’s really sore from yesterday, his leg muscles are all locked up, he is definitely not like he used to be. “Omi, are you ever going to let us have sex again?”

Kiyoomi’s fingers pause momentarily before he continues to rub the tight muscle. “It literally hasn't even been 24 hours.”

“You keep turning me down.”

“I'm allowed to not be in the mood.”

“But usually you're always in the mood.” Atsumu watches Kiyoomi glance at him from the corner of his eye.

“What is your real worry Atsu?”

“That you're trying to protect me too much.”

Kiyoomi keeps working on his leg, “Hmm, you think I'm declining on your behalf?”

“Maybe…”

“I'm not. Yesterday spooked me too, I just want some time to be close to you without complicating it.”

“Oh.”

Kiyoomi puts his leg down and looks over. “I don't think you are complicated, I think sex is complicated.”

“Well, I certainly manage to make it more complicated.”

Kiyoomi leans his head against the back of the couch and reaches out a hand to Atsumu.

Atsumu glances at it for a moment before he joins their hands together. He listens to Kiyoomi take a deep breath and he knows the man is about to say something serious.

“I'm doing well, right now, but I don't expect it to always be like this. In fact I know it won't always be like this. I'm going to have bad periods. There are going to be times where I am the one we need to bend around, to be careful for…”

Kiyoomi squeezes his hand. “I hope you keep speaking your mind, and telling me what bothers you, but sometimes I worry…I worry that some of the comments you make about yourself…I worry that when it's my turn…I'll hear them again.”

“Kiyoomi, I would never say that about you.”

“I know you'd never say it.”

Atsumu sits up, continuing to hold his hand, “I won't think it either.”

Kiyoomi presses his lips together. “It's not going to matter, because I've already heard you say it. My anxiety isn't going to care.”

Oh. Atsumu had never really thought about the fact that his cruelty towards himself could impact Kiyoomi like that. Some of the things he has said…

Kiyoomi's eyes are closed, his thumb runs over the back of Atsumu's hand, “And of course I'm going to do my best to do my work around it, it's not all on you, but…I can just already hear how my mind is going to twist some of those things to point right back at me.”

“I'm sorry.” Atsumu says quietly.

Kiyoomi’s shakes his head, “I'm not looking for an apology, just looking for…understanding.”

“I get it, I can see how my brain would do something similar if given the chance. I can work on reframing so that I'm talking about the thing that is actually bothering me.”

“Thank you.” Kiyoomi says simply, thumb still running over the ridges of his knuckles.

No better time than the present, “I've been self conscious that you've been more mentally well than me.”

Kiyoomi smiles, that soft wonderful smile, “That's a good reframe,” he squeezes Atsumu’s hand, “I think in relationships like this it is normal to have that feeling sometimes.”

“Relationships like this?”

Kiyoomi gives him a strange look, “Where both parties are mentally ill?”

Oh. Atsumu knew…knows that he has PTSD but to be honest he never really thinks of himself as…mentally ill. It always feels like Kiyoomi is three steps ahead of him in everything. He looks up at Kiyoomi, he doesn't really think of him as mentally ill either, even though he knows technically he is.

Kiyoomi interrupts his thoughts,
“Sometimes I worry about what we will do if both of us are in a bad place at the same time.”

Ataumu looks up, oh, OH, that hasn't actually happened before, what would they do? “You're the therapist, what should we do in that situation?”

Kiyoomi raises an eyebrow, “Despite having a master's degree I'm not all knowing…but I do think about it. I think it could go very poorly if we end up cycling with each other and make each other’s symptoms worse.”

Atsumu sucks on his teeth, yeah, that could be bad…as bad as last time, “I don't want to want to do that,”

“Yeah,” Kiyoomi pats his legs and Atsumu kicks his thighs off his lap, “We don't have to figure it all out right now.”

Atsumu watches Omi’s face, he's worried. He's really worried and trying to hide it. Well…things had really gone off the rails at the end of part one. Atsumu is worried too.

…

Everything becomes about volleyball. The Spring tournament looms ahead. The days are long, even when practice is over the two men find themselves hunched over doing paperwork for transportation, fees, fundraising, God the list just goes on.

Kiyoomi leans back, “I honestly never appreciated what my coach and manager did outside of practice.”

They came in even earlier than morning practice to get some work done. They both sit at Atsumu’s desk in the totally silent teacher’s office.

“Yeah it is way more work than people realize. Speaking of which, I've been talking to admin about splitting the stipend between us.”

“What? Why?”

Atsumu pauses to look over at Kiyoomi, “Um, you definitely are doing just as much work as me?”

“Is it even…substantial?”

Atsumu gives a belly laugh, “Oh hell no.”

Atsumu watches Kiyoomi look back towards his paperwork, “You don't have to do that, I literally live at your house.”

“You think of it as my house?” Atsumu puts down his pen and rests his head in his hand, elbow braced on the desk.

“Atsumu, it is literally your house.”

Atsumu lowers his voice when he says, “You always said that it was ‘our’ apartment in part one.”

“That was different.”

“How?”

Kiyoomi sighs and looks at the wall clock, “Kids should be arriving any minute.”

“Ugh, where does the time go?” Atsumu stands and groans. He pats Omi’s back and says, “Let's go then,”.

They walk shoulder to shoulder down the hallway. The sky is still dark outside as they exit the building to head to the gym. “It should be a crime to still be night.” Atsumu grumbles as they round the corner to find Yuzu and their captain Shoma leaning against the waist high barrier.

Most people are surprised to find out that Shoma isn't their libero, he's on the shorter side but an absolute spitfire on the court, quite reserved off though.

Shoma doesn't always start, kind of like Kita, he comes on the court and resets everyone, helps them focus, and then ducks back out.

Shoma reaches out a hand and Atsumu tosses the ring of keys. Shoma silently catches them and begins to unlock the gym door. They all walk in and get the very early day started.

Throughout the school year Atsumu and Kiyoomi have fallen into a routine for practice. Atsumu is better at running anything whole group, they both take teams when they split up to do drills, and Kiyoomi often takes the time to do one-on-one with individual students.

It's nearing the end of morning practice and Kiyoomi has pulled Shoma over to a bench. Kiyoomi counts something on his fingers while talking and then turns Shoma who nods and says something back. Atsumu isn't quite sure what Kiyoomi and the students talk about, sometimes it doesn't even seem like it is volleyball related. A voice suddenly speaks from behind him and he jumps, “Jesus,” he mutters as he turns to Yuzuru.

“Coach Miya, is Coach Sakusa going to be here next year too?”

“Hmm? Oh, yeah, he should be, why?”

“I just heard him talking to another teacher about it.”

That has piqued Atsumu's interest, Kiyoomi hardly ever opens up to colleagues, “What did he say?”. Atsumu knows it's not quite fair to ask his student to gossip, but he is just so dang curious.

“Something about private practice, that's therapy right?”

Atsumu nods, trying to control his face, “Yes…”

“I don't want him to leave.” Yuzuru says. Atsumu looks down at his student who is staring at Kiyoomi from across the gym.

He and Kiyoomi hadn't really talked about the future, not since Atsumu last asked if he planned to stay at the school, and he had said yes, and now with what he had said this morning about it being Atsumu's house…is he having second thoughts?

“You're close aren't you? Can you convince him to stay?”

“Yuzuru, sometimes people stay and sometimes they go. Are you worried about the team if he leaves?”

“No. I know the team will be okay.” Yuzuru doesn't elaborate further and Kiyoomi has stood, catching Atsumu’s gaze, he motions for Atsumu to get practice wrapped up.

Atsumu holds up a hand for a second, “Yuzuru, what is your worry?”

“Nothing Miya-Sensei, it's time to clean up isn't it?”

Atsumu meets his student’s eyes for a moment and then nods. Yuzuru turns away, and joins his classmates who had been drilling.

Kiyoomi comes up to Atsumu as he gives the command to stretch and clean. “Is everything okay?”

Atsumu looks up into those dark eyes, “I'm not sure,” he looks out over the team to see Shoma directing their stretches.

“Is it Yuzuru? You looked troubled while you were talking to him.”

Atsumu nods. Something about their conversation had been deeply unsettling, and Atsumu isn't sure if it was just about Kiyoomi or something else too.

“He's on my radar, asking about your suicide attempt was a red flag. Did he say anything concerning?”

“Um, nothing specific.” Atsumu says quietly.

Kiyoomi hums and checks his watch, “How is it not even 8am?”

Atsumu suddenly feels exhausted, and he still has the whole actual work day and the afternoon practice too.

…

When they finally make it home Atsumu feels like collapsing. They still have to figure out food. The idea of having more to do is overwhelming. He can't stop thinking about what Yuzuru had said. He doesn't mind at all if Kiyoomi wants to shift to something other than working in a school, but…why is this the first he is hearing about it?

Kiyoomi is in the kitchen with the fridge open, most likely looking at the options. “Anything in mind?” He calls out to Atsumu who crashed on the couch.

His tired brain wants to act crazy, wants to say vaguely mean things, wants to get Kiyoomi to…he's not even sure. He feels like a teenager, he wants to act out and get…something. He really doesn't know what though. Kiyoomi comes up to the couch, “Atsumu?”

“Huh? Oh, I don't have anything in mind.” Nothing food related anyways. Kiyoomi gives his head a pet and walks back out. Atsumu hears cooking noises in the kitchen. He's really trying to reign in the part of his brain that wants to make a mess. If he just stays here, just stays still, it will be easier.

…

Kiyoomi works on making something quick but healthy, he can tell Atsumu is at the end of his rope for the day. This whole week has been exhausting and both of them are still kind of wrung out from the stressors of the weekend. Kiyoomi can feel the days pile on top of him, and he imagines Atsumu feels the same. He really never realized how much effort and work his high school coaches put in.

He forgoes eating at an actual table and brings their food to the couch. Atsumu sits up, eyes dull even when he smiles, “Thanks,” he says as he takes his bowl from Kiyoomi.

They eat in silence for a minute. “Kiyoomi, are you happy?”

Kiyoomi swallows the food that had been in his mouth, the question really surprises him because he is probably the happiest and most content he has ever been. “Yes, I am very happy, do I not seem happy?”

“Sometimes it's hard to tell. I just want to make sure that you're happy here.”

“I am,” Kiyoomi looks over nervously to tired eyes, “Atsumu are you happy?”

A soft smile comes to his lips but his eyes don't…spark, “Yeah. I'm happy.”

Is he lying to me? Or is he just tired?

“Atsu, I feel like something is wrong.” That gets Atsumu to turn, eyes wide, brows pinched in the middle. His smile is gone. “I'm not sure what it is, but you're…are you okay?”

Atsumu looks back to his food and bites his lip. Kiyoomi rubs his fingers against the ridged fabric of the couch.

“I'm…I'm all mixed up. I'm honestly trying to keep myself in check, so that's why I'm being kind of short.” Atsumu says.

Keep himself in check?

“Atsu, if something is going on you don't have to do it alone…”

“Do you trust me?” Atsumu asks quietly.

What? Kiyoomi has never trusted another soul more.

“Yes.” He says, trying to put meaning into the single word.

Atsumu puts his bowl down and leans his head back. “You don't let me set to you, you don't feel like this is your house too, you…are you thinking of leaving school?”

Kiyoomi feels almost like he has been backhanded, all the words from Atsumu rushing through him at once.

“Woah,” he says at first unsure of where to start, “I'm not planning on leaving, what gave you that idea?”

“Rumors around school.”

“Atsumu, if I was even thinking about it I would be talking to you about it. You're…you're kind of the only person I feel like I actually want to talk to.”

Atsumu looks over, eyes shining with unshed tears. Kiyoomi puts down his own food and brings a hand to cradle his cheek. Oh Hun. “As for setting…I'm worried that my body couldn't handle actually jumping. I already have so much daily pain. But…but I do really miss it. I miss connecting with you in the air. I miss hitting the ball you gave right to me.” Kiyoomi feels the jaw muscle under his hand clench and unclench.

“And, as for the house, I feel like it was different when we were young, when we were kids, this house…it's real, it's adult, you own it Atsu…for some reason it feels different. I'm sorry.”

Atsumu’s lip trembles and his eyes are cast down, “You don't need to apologize. I get it. When it was your apartment it took me a while for it to feel…ours, and even then it was still obviously yours. I was the one collecting belongings when we broke up.”

Kiyoomi wonders if that topic, breaking up, is secretly at the heart of the other anxieties.

“We had a hard weekend, and now we are in the middle of a hard week. It's okay to need reassurance about things. I'm here. I want to be here, I'm honestly the happiest I've ever been, I love you.” Kiyoomi pauses to take a steading breath, rubbing his thumb over the short prickles on Atsumu’s cheek. “I historically have struggled to think about the future, but lately…even though I can't imagine it, it doesn't scare me either, because I think that you'll be there.”

Atsumu leans into the touch, “I want to be there. I really want to be there.” He closes his eyes and Kiyoomi studies his face. He is older. They both are. Atsumu has the beginnings of creases around the corners of his mouth, his smile lines. Kiyoomi watches one eye release a tear and then the other. Kiyoomi leans forwards and kisses each tear track, not minding the salty taste left on his lips. He feels Atsumu shudder gently and then warm hands are pulling him closer. Atsumu leans back against the arm rest and tries to pull Kiyoomi with him.

“Honey,” Kiyoomi whispers.

Atsumu’s eyes are still closed, “I want to, I want to feel close to you, I want to be under.”

The couch is small, there isn't a lot of room for Kiyoomi’s body, “Atsu I'm not going to be able to keep pressure off of you.”

Atsumu opens his eyes a crack, “Can you keep it to my hips or below?”

Kiyoomi looks down to where he is kneeling between Atsumu’s legs…yeah he probably could, at least for a while until his strength gave out.

“Atsumu…”

The man lightly tugs on the bottom hem of Kiyoomi’s shirt, “Please, I want to, and I can tell you to stop or if you get tired we can stop.”

He looks into auburn eyes, ones that still shine with emotion. He wants to feel close to Atsumu too…but he doesn't want to trigger him. Trust him. He had said that he trusted him…

“Okay, as soon as you tap me I'm getting off.”

Atsumu grabs tightly onto his shirt and pulls him down, “Speaking of which, I'm interested in kissing and rubbing on each other through our clothes.”

Kiyoomi feels his face warm, “I'll leave that to you to initiate if you decide…” Atsumu pulls him all the way down. Other than their first kiss, the night after the party, they have never been in a position like this before. Kiyoomi braces his legs, they are bent and in between Atsumu's spread ones. He is using the height of his thighs to keep his lower body from pressing up against Atsumu, while his arms brace either side of his head, keeping their chests apart.

Atsumu hungrily kisses his mouth, wrapping one hand into Kiyoomi’s hair and one along his back. Kiyoomi kisses him back, letting their tongues slide and move together. He groans when Atsumu grips his hair and suddenly sucks on his tongue. “Baby,” he gasps into Atsumu’s open mouth after he releases his tongue. Atsumu pulls him down more and Kiyoomi fights to maintain the distance between them, arms shaking from holding the position.

Atsumu tugs on his hair pulling him an inch back, “You can't keep this up, sit your legs instead of kneeling. I can handle some pressure on my hips.” Atsumu releases his hair and uses his hands to encourage Kiyoomi to push his knees further up the couch. Atsumu has to bend his legs more, forcing them upwards to give Kiyoomi room there. Atsumu places his hands onto Kiyoomi’s rib cage and guides his lower body down more so that Atsumu’s body is boxed in, Kiyoomi’s hips pinning him down. Kiyoomi watches Atsumu take a sudden deep breath and he tries to pull back.

“It's okay, just getting used to the feeling, it's different than your hands.”

Kiyoomi stills, and watches Atsumu’s eyes. Atsumu looks in-between them, to where their bodies are touching, and then up to his face. Kiyoomi has straightened out his arms to give Atsumu as much space as possible over his chest.

Atsumu looks up at him, his eyes are soft, he doesn't seem scared. “I think there's a chance I will cry. I'm already so wound up. If I cry please just keep kissing me, if you want to, I'll tap if I need to stop.”

“As soon as you want to stop I want to stop.”

“I know,” Atsumu says and uses his hold on his ribs to pull him down. Kiyoomi bends his arms and braces himself up that way, allowing some of his body’s weight to rest in his legs and hips which are over Atsumu. Their lips meet again and it is a lot slower this time. Neither of them opens their mouths, they just press into each other, angling their heads to connect in new ways.

Atsumu takes his bent legs and wraps them around Kiyoomi’s waist, using the leverage to press their lower halves together. Kiyoomi gasps and then moans. He hears Atsumu whine “Omi”. It's emotional, it's like the time they cried and kissed, it feels raw, like their broken facets are rubbing up against each other.

Atsumu digs his heels in, forcing Kiyoomi to press downwards. Kiyoomi forces his shoulders to lock, not letting his chest be forced down too. “Ah,” Atsumu moans as he moves his hands to Kiyoomi’s lower back. They kiss, now open mouthed, wet, panting as Atsumu rocks up against Kiyoomi. Kiyoomi hears a hiccup catch in Atsumu's throat and opens his eyes a crack. He is supposed to see that Atsumu’s eyes are already open, watching him from below. Kiyoomi watches new tears begin to fall and Atsumu holds onto him tighter, hands finding each other on his back and locking tight. Kiyoomi’s heart aches when he sees the tears, he instinctively tries to pull back but Atsumu holds on and shakes his head a tiny bit. He wants this. Kiyoomi doesn't know if he understands fully but Atsumu is saying he wants this.

They continue to kiss, their mouths no longer feel like separate entities, but like two movements in a dance, “more,” Atsumu whispers as he slides his hands from Kiyoomi’s back down his shoulders, and then over his arms. Kiyoomi lowers his stomach down, pressing it gently against Atsumu.

The man underneath moans as he gets more contact against Kiyoomi’s tented pants. Atsumu squirms, hips bucking as his legs flex, forcing Kiyoomi to grind down into him. A groan is punched out of Kiyoomi and it goes straight down Atsumu's throat.
“Atsu, Atsu…”

“Omi, someday, gonna have you - ah - gonna have you in me.” Atsumu’s hips are rushing now, jerking against Kiyoomi.

Kiyoomi opens his eyes to see that the tears have stopped, instead Atsumu is red in the face, eyes closed, eyebrows stained together. “Do you want that Omi?”

“Yes, Atsu,” there is so much Kiyoomi wants to say, but this is all he can manage at the moment as he feels Atsumu’s hard dick rut into his.

“Omi, Omi - ahh, you feel so good.”

Kiyoomi buries his face into Atsumu's shoulder. His own arms and shoulders are shaking with effort. He wants to feel Atsumu cum again. He wants to cum with him. He wants to feel Atsumu's finishing moan in his mouth. He puts his mouth back against Atsumu’s. He groans at a particularly strong thrust from the man under him. Atsumu under him. “Omi, Omi, gonna cum, gonna cum…”

Kiyoomi bites his tongue to all the things he wants to say, like yes baby, or come for me, or let me hear you…

Kiyoomi moans instead as he feels Ataumu’s body go rigid. Baby, baby, yes. Kiyoomi hadn't even noticed when, but somehow Atsumu’s hands are in his hair, and then they pull hard. Kiyoomi moans again and feels his own orgasm light through his body. He jerks, mouth still connected to Atsumu’s. He hears his groan start and then stop suddenly, as his hips rock forwards. Atsumu notices that Kiyoomi is cumming too and releases his held breath as a deep moan.

Kiyoomi feels his hips continue to stutter forwards as he pants into the man below him. Fuck. Oh fuck. He tries to regain the ability to think, Atsumu, make sure Atsumu is okay. He opens his eyes to see hooded eyes look back at him. Beautiful. Kiyoomi attempts to push himself upright but Atsumu keeps his hold in his hair. “Kiss me,” he requests.

Kiyoomi leans forward and gently kisses Atsumu. They go slow, letting their lips and tongues explore without urgency. “Baby,” Kiyoomi whispers against his lips, “Omi,” he responds.

Finally his hair is released and Kiyoomi straightens his posture. His shoulders hurt, his hips hurt, his neck hurts…

He finds Atsumu’s eyes searching his face, “I'll rub ya after we shower.”

Kiyoomi lets out a huff of a laugh, “Thanks.”

“Do you want to shower together?” Atsumu asks quietly.

Chapter Text

He lets Kiyoomi undress him, the sound of the shower running filling the space. If he was exhausted before, he is dog tired now. His shirt comes over his head and before he realizes Kiyoomi has pulled his pants and underwear down. Kiyoomi holds back the curtain and gestures for him to get in. Atsumu does.

The water is amazing, a bit on the hot side but that's how Kiyoomi likes it. Atsumu lets the water rinse his front side clean of dried or maybe even still wet cum. The curtain rustles again and a hand is gently braced on his shoulder while Kiyoomi climbs in. Atsumu has seen him naked, it's hard not to when you were always in a locker room together, but…this is still somehow different. The hand leaves his shoulder and Atsumu hears himself murmur, “You can touch me, I like it.”

Atsumu turns, faced with Kiyoomi’s broad, pale, neck and chest. “Take your turn,” Atsumu moves to the side and lets Kiyoomi step into the water, “It's not too hot for you?” Kiyoomi asks, wetting his hair

“I mean, it's a little scalding but I will survive,” he jokes, “no wait! Don't turn it down I was kidding!”

Kiyoomi turns the temp back up and puts his face under the water. He rubs at his neck as he rinses.

I pushed his body too hard, Atsumu thinks as he watches Kiyoomi. Just as he is starting to get cold Kiyoomi turns, inviting him back into the warm, actually hot, water. He sighs, feeling the instant relief.

“Want me to do your hair?”

Considering what they just did on the couch, it shouldn't feel so intimate to wash his hair…but it does, “Yeah, then I can do you?”

There is an obvious smile in Kiyoomi’s voice when he says “I'd love that.”

Atsumu wasn't totally sure if he was going to want to be touched after that, his body felt a little weird after finishing with someone pressing down above him. But…it actually feels so good, gentle fingers along his scalp. Safe fingers. Omi’s fingers.

“Rinse.”

Atsumu turns his head to wash the water away while avoiding his eyes. He feels fingers run through his hair again, making sure the suds are all out.

“Your turn.” Kiyoomi steps past him to face the wall, he rewets his hair and steps back, letting the water hit his chest. Atsumu takes the shampoo and rubs it into his hands. He steps closer and raises his hands to scrub bubbles into Kiyoomi’s undercut. He's a little taller so Kiyoomi leans his head back so Atsumu can easily reach. Atsumu massages his scalp, working the shampoo into his hair.

“Rinse,” he says quietly and Kiyoomi turns, eyes closed to rinse out his hair. Atsumu glances down, he isn't really ever given such a clear view.

“Hey,” Atsumu’s eyes jump back up to his face, realizing that he has been caught looking.

“Sorry…”

“Kiyoomi turns to give him a turn in the water, “You're allowed to look. I'm going to soap up and then get out.”

“Okay,” Atsumu takes a moment to let the water warm him before he washes his own body. He glances behind him to see if Kiyoomi is watching but he is just washing himself with a washcloth.

Atsumu rinses quickly and steps out of the shower. He grabs a towel, drying his hair quickly before he wraps it around his waist.

“Can you stay for a second? I want to talk about something.”

Atsumu feels his heart jump, “Sure thing Omi.” He sits on the closed toilet, nerves on high alert.

“Why did you cry?”

Oh, Kiyoomi is worried.

“Honestly, I was feeling overwhelmed, but not in a fully bad way. It was weird. Kind of like when we did the pressure with your hands.”

Kiyoomi is quiet for a moment, the only sound falling water, “Was it scary?”

“No. It wasn't scary because it was you. Anytime I started to get spooked I just would open my eyes and see you.”

The water shuts off and Atsumu hands a towel past the curtain, “Thanks Atsu”

“You know, it was in the shower when you first called me by my name, instead of Miya.”

Kiyoomi steps out, towel already around his hips, “Not true.”

“I think I'd remember Omi. It drove me crazy to have ya call me Miya.”

Kiyoomi takes a hand towel and dries his hair, then uses his hand to crunch the curls so they stay bouncy, “Before you went into the shower I called you Atsumu to try and get your attention. When you ignored it that's when I realized something was really wrong. You never would have passed up an opportunity to get on my case about using your given name.”

“Oh, I really didn't hear you.”

“Your brain was pretty far gone.” Kiyoomi says as he gestures for them to leave the steamy bathroom. They both go into the bedroom to change. Atsumu just puts on pants and sits on the edge of the bed, “Do you think…do you think if that hadn't happened we would have still gotten close?” He watches Kiyoomi move slower as he picks through his drawer for his prefered clothes. He's thinking.

“I think so, even at the All Japan camp…something felt different between us, it wasn't how I felt about other people.”

“Aww, Omi, do you think we are soul mates?”

“Maybe,” the other man mumbles as he pulls on his shirt.

Atsumu lays back on the bed, his legs dangling off the side, “I don't think I could have done all that without ya. Frankly, we both know I couldn't have done all that without ya. The office assault, the pictures…I definitely got the better end of the deal out of this.”

Kiyoomi sits beside him but doesn't lay down. “You really don't see all the things you help me with, huh?”

Atsumu looks up from where he is lounging, “You're kidding me right?”

Kiyoomi rubs at his neck, “Oh Atsu, if only you could see it from my eyes.”

“Hey lay down, I said I would rub you.”

Kiyoomi does and Atsumu plops himself on his rear and pushes the shirt up, “off” he demands.

Kiyoomi helps him get the offending garment off of his head and melts into the bed. Atsumu leans forward and starts to work on his shoulder blades, “I'm sorry I pushed you too hard.”

“I can say stop too.” Kiyoomi says into the blanket, “But I didn't want to stop.”

Kiyoomi turns his head to the side and groans, “Here,” Atsumu leans far forwards to grab a pillow, “Put this under your chest.” He does and breathes a sigh of relief when he can lay with his head pointed down without suffocating.

Atsumu resettles and continues. It makes Atsumu’s stomach flip when he hears Kiyoomi groan, knowing that it sounds exactly the same during sex too.

“You don't treat me like I'm broken, or fragile.” Kiyoomi's monotone voice surprises Atsumu, his fingers still for a moment, “You take my aversions seriously, but also know when to push back against the OCD.”

Oh. He's listing ways Atsumu helps him…

“You've seen the pictures, I never used to smile, now it seems like all I do when I'm with you.”

“You've helped me figure out how to do school, I was really floundering there in the beginning.”

Atsumu isn't enjoying this activity, it's challenging him, because he believes Omi, Omi wouldn't lie…

“You encourage me to be my true self, the self that I don't usually show, and you love that version of me.”

“Stop.” Atsumu says quietly. Kiyoomi stops.

Atsumu continues to rub him, hands working the skin hard. His thoughts are consumed by what Kiyoomi had been saying. All those things…contradict what Atsumu believes about himself and his worth. It's like a pill that's too big to swallow and instead he chokes.

“Lower,”

Atsumu sits straighter and locks his arms to press firmly right at the base of his spine, “Oh God,” Kiyoomi groans as he arches his back slightly.

“Good there?” Atsumu watches Kiyoomi’s drying hair move as he nods. Atsumu digs the heel of his palm in “Nghh- Atsu -”

“Hmm?” Atsumu pauses, resting his fingers on the slight dimples on Kiyoomi's back.

“Any chance you could go lower?”

Atsumu looks down at the waistband that he has already been working right above.

“Omi,”

“You definitely don't have to-”

“Oh, don't worry, I want to, I just want to make sure you're comfortable.” he bets Kiyoomi is blushing against the blanket.

“You could pull the pants down…but leave the underwear.”

Atsumu leans forwards, bringing his mouth closed to his ear, “Sounds good Omi,” he grabs onto the band on his pants and yanks them down to under his cheeks. Lord, he has the desire to bury his face into there…anyways, focus. Atsumu continues to massage his lower back, slowly inching lower to be pushing into the flesh of Kiyoomi’s ass. He feels the muscles clench for a second before they relax. “Man, I worked you so hard even your ass is sore, huh?”

“Shut up.” Kiyoomi says weakly. Atsumu works on one side, knowing that if he has a hand on each he is going to be tempted to make it inappropriate. He rubs, having to push down a little harder to actually get friction. He hears a muffled moan, he looks up to see that Kiyoomi has pushed his face firmly into the bedspread. Atsumu look back down at those pert cheeks under black underwear. Now he's thinking about rutting forwards against his clothed ass…Atsumu has a lot of pent up energy apparently…it has been quite a long time since he had ‘sex’ sex.

Atsumu switches over to the other cheek and relishes the way Kiyoomi’s body jumps a little under his touch. He holds one hand towards the base of the cheek and uses his strong right arm to push firmly up all the way to his back, “Oh, yeah, that,” Kiyoomi moans into the bed.

Atsumu smirks and does that again, slightly to the side, working the skin and muscles to relax. He keeps going in this way, listening to the bed soak up the moans, and then Kiyoomi pushes back. Atsumu pauses for a second, closing his eyes, totally not imagining Kiyoomi flexing back onto him, wanting it deeper, “Sorry-sorry” Kiyoomi says, pulling his mouth up from the bed. Atsumu keeps using his hands to coax the pain away, “No worries,” he responds.

Kiyoomi uses two fingers to wave forwards and Atsumu gets the message, he slides himself forwards to sit higher up and works on his shoulders and neck. Kiyoomi lays still, his body twitching once in a while when Atsumu hits a tough spot. “Why you so quiet all of a sudden?” Atsumu asks, fingers around his throat.

“Oh, sorry, was just thinking.” Atsumu can feel the vibration of his deep voice through his fingertips.

“Care to share?”

Kiyoomi tilts his forehead back into the bed, “Honestly I was thinking about my mom.”

Atsumu keeps rubbing his neck, a little gentler now. “Do you miss her?”

Atsumu can feel it when Kiyoomi swallows, “Yeah, even though we were never that close.”

“I'm sad I only got to meet her the one time.” Atsumu says quietly.

Kiyoomi voice chokes a little as he says “Yeah she really liked you. She was furious with me when I told her I broke us up.”

“Kiyoomi…I know you feel like so many things are your fault. It must weigh so heavy.”

Atsumu watches his rib cage shudder as he takes a rough breath.

“Kiyoomi…”

“It was the one thing she asked me to do. To help her through November.”

Atsumu feels his chest ache. Atsumu wonders if he hadn't attempted, if he hadn't traumatized Kiyoomi, if he hadn't sucked up all his energy…would Kiyoomi still have a mom? Atsumu is quiet while these thoughts fly through his head. He suddenly notices that Kiyoomi’s shaking breaths have escalated to silent crying. Atsumu climbs off of him and tries to take the man into his arms. Kiyoomi stays rigid, not allowing himself to be moved.

“It feels like everyone around me tries to die.” Atsumu’s own cheeks are wet again.

“I didn't stop her.” Kiyoomi is crying fully now, a rare sight compared to Atsumu's frequent tears. He rubs Kiyoomi’s back in circles, listening to the quiet gasps and hiccups. “I'm sorry, I'm sorry-” Kiyoomi whispers into the bed.

Atsumu continues to rub his back, just being with his person as Kiyoomi feels. Kiyoomi groans, “Atsu, my medicine is in my sock drawer.” Oh yeah, Kiyoomi had moved it for him. Atsumu gets up and retrieves the bottle and a glass of water, “How many?” He asks as he tries to read the fine print on the bottle. “Just one, work tomorrow.”

Atsumu glances at the clock as Kiyoomi sits up to drink, yikes they are usually already asleep by now. Kiyoomi lays back down and curls up on his side, “Will you stay with me?”

“Of course,” Atsumu says automatically. Only after he has said the words does he realize that he isn't sure if Kiyoomi means stay with him tonight…or something bigger. Either way the answer is yes. Atsumu is staying, for better or worse. Atsumu pets his fingers through Kiyoomi’s hair. He wants to say that it's not Kiyoomi’s fault, that it's not Kiyoomi’s fault at all…but saying that now would probably just trigger all the feelings again. “I love you,” he whispers instead, hand brushing over Kiyoomi’s head.

He watches Kiyoomi fall asleep. He pulls the blanket up over him and turns out the light. Atsumu’s own heart aches, but he is sure it is nothing compared to what Kiyoomi is feeling.

Chapter Text

Kiyoomi hears rustling in the room and cracks an eye open. It's Atsumu digging through the closet. His head feels heavy, oh yeah he took his sedative. He groans and sits up, “What time is it?”.

“Nearly time, I'm just picking you out an outfit. Thoughts?”

Kiyoomi rubs his eyes to clear the heavy sleep residue and sees Atsumu holding up a comfortable outfit that just perfectly straddles the line of still being professional. “Perfect” he says, laying back down to yawn and stretch.

“Breakfast is ready too, all you have to do is get up.”

Kiyoomi watches Atsumu place his outfit on the desk chair. Kiyoomi feels really loved, Atsumu let him sleep in and got everything ready for him. Atsumu is already dressed, wearing a crisp button up that is tucked into black slacks that hug his hips perfectly. Kiyoomi wants to undress him. Not now though, he glances at the clock and sees that Atsumu really let him sleep in. He sits up and reaches forwards to stretch out his back. Atsumu walks up, hands linked behind his back and kisses Kiyoomi’s forehead, “Come on sleepy head.”

“Is it Friday yet?” Kiyoomi whines as he swings his legs out of bed.

“Wow, to hear you whine you must really be tired.”

“Mmm” Kiyoomi grunts, he looks up to see Atsumu's eyes running over his body as he fastens the button on his sleeve. He feels his heart rate spike from the look on Atsumu's face.

Atsumu switches to his other wrist “How are you feeling?”

Kiyoomi stands and feels how the meds keep his brain foggy even in the morning. He goes to his pile of clothes and starts to undress. He feels hands on his back and Atsumu helps him get the dress shirt onto his arms, taking a step around him to start buttoning it. It is so domestic, so gentle.

“I’ll let you do your pants while I get food on a plate for you.”

“Mmm, thanks.” Kiyoomi’s voice is soft. He has just woken up, his head still fuzzy but…he feels weird. What Atsumu is doing is making him feel weird.

He walks out of the bedroom and finds Atsumu putting two plates of food down, cups of coffee already made. Kiyoomi must still be off because he feels like crying when he sees his own steaming cup of coffee. He sits, trying to keep everything inside. “I was thinking that we could both go to my family’s for the spring holiday. I really want you to meet Akari and I think it's time you and Osamu made up.”

Kiyoomi looks up, meeting Atsumu’s gentle eyes. It's all too much. He looks down and sees his own tears fall onto his plate. “Eh? Omi! I'm sorry! You definitely don't have to come, I know it's hard meeting family and staying somewhere new and--”

Kiyoomi holds up a hand, trying to get Atsumu to stop, since he is unable to use his voice. “Omi, I'm sorry. I should have known better than to bring this up. I just, you're my family too and I want all of my family to be together.”

Kiyoomi can't do anything but keep his head down as the tears fall. It's all too much. He's too kind and too caring, and he wants to bring Kiyoomi home.

“Omi, please talk to me, I'm sorry.”

“It's okay,” he manages to choke out, while holding back the bigger cry his body is trying to push out, “I want to. Just,” he tries to take another breath, “just having a hard morning.”

“Is there anything you need?”

Kiyoomi shakes his head slightly, baffled by the ridiculous question, Atsumu’s generosity is part of what pushed him over the edge. “No, no you're perfect.”

Atsumu reaches a hand forward across the small table, “Hey, that's not what I asked…”

Kiyoomi can't bring himself to look up. “I'm okay, I don't need anything.”

Atsumu settles back a little and Kiyoomi knows the other man is watching him. Atsumu surprises him by saying, “Okay, let me know if that changes. Eat please so we won't have to hear them complain when we are late.”

Kiyoomi smiles, still looking down onto this plate of food. He picks up his utensil and eats. He goes slow, he always eats slower than Atsumu, but that is not a particularly difficult challenge. Atsumu is just like the students, he scarfes down his food in mere seconds.

With his emotions so high Kiyoomi works to make sure that his brain doesn't go to a weird place, especially with the historically difficult task of eating in front of him. He thinks about Akari and how he really does want to meet her. He especially wants to see Atsumu interact with her. Kiyoomi just knows it is probably a full 180 from how he handles the students. He is probably such a pushover.

He continues to feel Atsumu's eyes glance up to him as he eats. “Thank you for letting me sleep in.”

“Of course, I know those meds make you sleepy.”

“I…I don't expect you to do this.”

“Do what?”

“Take care of me like this.”

Ataumu takes another bite, chewing thoughtfully for a minute, “I didn't feel expected to, I just wanted to, it feels good.”

Kiyoomi nods. That he can understand. It does feel good to take care of Atsumu.

Kiyoomi grabs his plate and stands to start cleaning up, “I really would like to come.”

He finally looks up to see Atsumu’s smiling, his smile wrinkles etched into his skin, “Okay Omi!”

…

“Samu, you gotta be nice.”

“I am plenty nice.”

Kiyoomi is kneeling in their childhood backyard, passing a soft rubber ball back and forth with Akari. She laughs as she chucks at him, she already has a great arm.

Atsumu and Osamu are up on the porch, talking in hushed voices.

“You used to be way nicer, you hardly said a word to him.” Atsumu whispers, eyes watching Omi play.

Osamu rolls his eyes, “I just feel like I'm nice enough considering.”

“Considering a mistake he made like 7 years ago? He was in crisis, I don't need ya to keep freezing him out.”

Osamu lets out a snort.

‘Samu please, I want him to feel like he is part of the family.”

Osamu turns away, instead leaning his back against the railing, “Then he should put a ring on ya finger and either way he needs to get used to being roasted in this family.”

“Samu…”

Osamu turns to his brother and gives him a knowing look. He always knows him so well.

Atsumu crosses his arms and keeps his eyes on the backyard. Somehow Akari has convinced Kiyoomi to give her a back ride, her muddy shoes scraping across Omi’s shirt. He's smiling as he brings her around the yard to look at things from up high. Something hurts in Atsumu's chest as he watches. He thought this would be great, he thought it would be fun to show off Akari… but for some reason…this hurts.

He catches Osamu watching him, “What?” Atsumu bites out.

“Oh nothing.” Osamu says, a smug look on his face.

…

Kiyoomi helps chop vegetables in the kitchen with Osamu. Atsu is somewhere keeping Akari busy and out of the kitchen.

“Is this size good?” Kiyoomi asks, turning his body so Osamu can see the cutting board, “Yeah that's fine.” comes the dry response.

Kiyoomi bites his lip. He was prepared for Osamu, but it is different to have to experience the disdain first hand.

“How is Tsumu?” Osamu asks, voice tense.

“He's good, I think, honestly I figured he told you just as much about how he was doing as me.”

“He used to. Not so much anymore.” Osamu chops quickly and efficiently, dropping the minced herb into the cooking pot. “We’ll always be part of each other, but I don't think I'm his person anymore. You are.”

Kiyoomi’s hand nearly slips as he cuts. He takes a breath and restarts, more careful this time.

“So, I ask, how is he doing?”

“He's good. He seems to be honest with me, even when it is hard or a difficult topic. He lets me take care of him. He has gotten better at setting boundaries and doing things because it's what he actually wants. He's good. I haven't seen any self harm in a while, not since I called you.”

“Hmm, good.” Is all Osamu says.

The ‘hmm, good’ sound rattles around on repeat in Kiyoomi’s head as he keeps cutting.

“Akari seems to like you, you go along with her whims.”

“She is a really cool kid. Is she biologically related to you? She has the Miya eyes.”

“Yeah, she is.”

These are the conversations that Kiyoomi struggles the most with. When the other person is just as short with words as himself it becomes a struggle to keep the talking going. Kiyoomi is trying to think of something to say when Osamu speaks again.

“Do you ever want kids?”

Kiyoomi nearly cuts himself again. Has Osamu always been this blunt or is this part of Kiyoomi’s punishment?

“Um, for a long time I thought no, because of my own childhood. I wouldn't ever want my own mental illness to impact a child like that. But…” Kiyoomi looks out the window and sees Atsumu in the yard, holding onto Akari’s knees as she sits on his shoulders. He stomps around the yard roaring and yelling something about ‘bananas’. Osamu watches with him.

“But…I think Atsumu is meant to be a dad.”

Osamu turns back to his pot and stirs it. “Have you talked about it with him?”

Kiyoomi swallows, “No, not yet. Do you know if he wants kids?”

Osamu bursts out laughing, one hand on his hip. “Like I’d tell you. You're going to have to ask him yourself if you want to know that bad.”

Ah, so it was indeed a punishment conversation. Kiyoomi knows Osamu is right though. The person he needs to ask is right there.

“I won't ask what he wants, but can I ask how much he wants it? I am worried that…if our goals do not align, he would be better suited to find somebody else.”

Osamu turns for a moment, “Do you always talk in riddles?”

Kiyoomi tries again, “If we don't both want the same thing…it wouldn't make sense to continue together.”

“Ah, you're scared. Honestly I think you are more important to him than a non-existent kid.”

“It's not that I don't want a kid. It's that I'm afraid I'm not going to be…”

Osamu continues to stir and waits for him to finish.

“I'm worried that I'm not going to be well enough.”

“Atsumu wasn't kidding.” Osamu says dryly.

“Excuse me?”

“You worry a lot.”

Oh. Yeah, well that's true.

“Honestly, you guys have made it this far. I'm not sure there is much that could stop you.” Hearing that, from Osamu of all people, actually quiets the anxiety a little.

Kiyoomi finishes his chopping job and pushes the cutting board forwards, “Here,”

Osamu looks over, “That will do.” Osamu nods towards the window, “Why don't you go and play with them both, see how it feels.”

Kiyoomi washes his hands and steps out onto the porch. Akari catches sight of him and attempts to launch herself off of Atsumu’s neck. He catches her and places her in the ground all while she yells, “Uncle Omi! Come play with Tsumu!”

Kiyoomi very nearly starts to cry as she rushes forwards to grab his hands and pull him along. We could have this. This could be us. He looks down and sees Atsumu's beautiful smile on her face

Chapter Text

Kiyoomi looks around Atsumu’s childhood room. It still has a bunk bed, from when the boys were little. Polaroid pictures are hung on the wall over a desk. Ones that Kiyoomi has never seen. It's mostly of the boys, arm in arm, up to some nonsense. There is one of Atsumu prying his mouth open to show off a missing tooth.

Kiyoomi crouches to look at the book shelf. Even then Atsumu loved to read. Kiyoomi even spies a few English novels and tries to puzzle out what they say.

Atsumu walks in, brushing his wet hair back off of his forehead, “Just don't look at the journals. I should probably burn those.”

Kiyoomi braces the shelf to stand, “I wouldn't.”

“Burn them?”

“Look at them.” Kiyoomi corrects.

“Oh, yeah, that's true.” Atsumu looks at the bed situation, “So…what are we doing here mister tall and handsome? Did you ever share a twin bed in college?”

“Only for sex, never to stay the night.”

“Do you have a preference?” Atsumu asks as he scratches the back of his neck.

Kiyoomi looks at the bottom bunk. It really is a small space for two full grown men.

“Can we try together and if sleep doesn't happen you could take the bunk that is yours.”

"Both are technically mine, Osamu got his own room when we started highschool.”

“Does this room have…bad memories?”

Atsumu looks around, “Yeah.”

Kiyoomi taps his fingers against the hardwood top of the book shelf, “Then it matters to me what arrangement you want. Hell, we can sleep in the car if we want to.”

Atsumu laughs and then covers his mouth to quiet himself, Akari is already asleep across the hall.

“I think I'd freak out if I tried to sleep in a stuffy car, let's try the bottom bunk and if it's a bust I'll take the top or couch.”

“Do you want the outside edge like usual?”

Atsumu nods.

Kiyoomi crawls in, he feels huge in the small bed. He presses his back up against the wall, the cold leaching through his shirt. Atsumu turns off the light and Kiyoomi feels the bed dip as he climbs in. Even with each of them on the edge they are pressed up against each other. “Cozy” Atsumu whispers.

“Very.”

“You ready for Ma tomorrow?”

“I think so, I'm glad that I got to do Osamu first before your mother comes back into town.”

“Was he mean to you today?”

“Osamu? Honestly, no. He actually talked with me and was only a tiny bit cruel.”

“What did you talk about?” Atsumu whispers.

Kiyoomi feels his heart beat in his ears. The room is so quiet and still. His instinct is to lie, or to avoid certain topics. He reaches up, slowly because of the dark, until he feels Atsumu's side. He traces Atsumu's arm to find his hand and links them together.

“We talked about how you were doing lately. Maybe I need to start sending Osamu weekly updates.”

Atsumu scoffs and squeezes his hand, a warning.

“We talked about Akari a bit while you played with her in the yard…why did you keep yelling about bananas?”

Atsumu stifles a laugh, “Akari told me I was a monster monkey.”

“You have a lot of fun with her.”

The fondness is obvious in his voice when he says “Yeah.”

“Astu,” he waits a moment, steeling himself, “We should talk about the future.”

The room is so quiet he can hear Atsumu suck in a breath.

Kiyoomi continues, “It doesn't have to be now, but soon.”

“You're not breaking up with me right?” Atsumu’s voice is forced, the joke he is trying to make falls flat.

“No, no, not at all.” Kiyoomi reassures, even as his stomach twists with the knowledge that having the conversation could end with them deciding to go different ways.

“Alright because doing it here would be awfully convenient, Osamu wouldn't have to come pick me up.”

Kiyoomi isn't sure what to say to that so he just squeezes Astumu’s hand.

“I'd like to talk about it now, if that's okay.” Atsumu whispers, “Can we be like, closer though, it feels like I'm gonna fall off.”

“Sure-” Atsumu is already sliding himself forwards, wrapping arms and legs around Kiyoomi. Kiyoomi himself responds by entangling himself too, holding Ataumu’s head close to his chest.

“So what is it? What's got you worrying so much?”

Kiyoomi’s fingers pet Atsumu’s soft hair. He can be brave. He can do this. He can risk…everything. His stomach twists and he can already feel his mind trying to show him all the horrible outcomes. Atsumu leaves him, or worse, Atsumu stays despite it not being a good fit, or worse Atsumu stays, they have a kid and Kiyoomi totally fucks them up…his brain supplies the image of a teen, that looks hauntingly like Atsumu hanging from a rope.

“Hey, hey, it's okay, breath.”

Atsumu has a hand on his chest, he can surely feel his heart pounding like crazy. Kiyoomi follows the instructions and breathes in. He didn't bring any medicine so he needs to stay okay on his own.

He just needs to say it. He just needs to know. “Do you see kids in your future?”

Kiyoomi feels Atsumu stiffen next to him. He made sure to ask like this, he doesn't want any of his own thoughts to alter how Atsumu responds.

“Omi…” is all Atsumu says for a moment. The room is quiet. So quiet. Kiyoomi tries to control his breathing so he doesn't sound like he is freaking out. “I've been thinking about that too, after seeing you play with her. Omi…do you?”

Kiyoomi bites down on his lip, ground, focus, “I'm sorry Atsu, I need you to go first. I need to hear your answer first.”

“Oh.” Atsumu takes a shaking inhale, “Yeah, I kind of always thought that I'd get there, even just being with Akari…it's different.”

Kiyoomi’s feels his teeth press together. If he's not careful he's going to pull something in his jaw.

“Omi I went…please.” The voice is so soft, almost…scared. Kiyoomi is tempted to lie. He loves Atsumu so much. So fucking much. He is already arranging the words, the half truth, to agree with Atsumu when he sees blood. His body is shaking and he feels Atsumu grab onto him. “Omi, Omi, hang on, it's okay.” The words sound far away even though he knows Atsumu is right there. He's scared. His body is really scared. He opens his eyes so he can stop seeing blood but the dark room isn't helping. He feels hands let go of him. His brain keeps showing him a dead child. A bloody dead child.

A small white light illuminates the underside of the bunk bed. Kiyoomi squints his eyes against it. It does jar him a little, he can see real things now. “Omi, find 5 things you can see.”

Kiyoomi meets his eyes for a second. Oh, I'm really freaking out aren't I, Kiyoomi thinks. “I see…you, and,” his eyes wander around, he's in the bedroom, in the tiny twin bunk bed, “I see the blanket and pillows,” he closes his eyes for a moment and it's a mistake. He forces them back open.

“Two things you see Omi, you can do it.” The voice is so gentle.

“I see…I see…” he can't, it feels like he can't see anything else.

“Omi, what do you feel, what are you touching?”

“The blanket…your skin, the pillow…”

“Good job, what can you hear?”

Kiyoomi tries to listen, but it's so quiet.
“I hear my heart, and my voice.”

“Good, do you smell anything?”

Kiyoomi takes a deep breath in through his nose. “Your room smells like teenage you.”

In the light from the phone flashlight Kiyoomi sees Atsumu’s eyebrows raise, but he doesn't say anything other than, “Do you taste anything?”

If Kiyoomi focuses he can taste mint from brushing his teeth. “Mint,” he says.

“Good job, you did such a good job.” Atsumu’s hands gently brush against his arm, rubbing it in a consistent up and down pattern.

“You brought me back.” Kiyoomi’s voice shakes slightly.

“I learned from the best. Was that a panic attack?”

“Yeah,” Kiyoomi continues to purposefully breath, taking long inhales as exhales, “With a dose of intrusive thoughts.” His body is still very anxious, but he has a handle on his brain.

“We can stop talking about this,” Atsumu says, hand still moving predictably up and down his arm.

“I'd rather just say what I need to say while I'm calmed down,” Atsumu’s hand stutters for a moment but then continues to pet him.

“I'm scared, I've never considered myself as somehow who could be a parent, not with how my brain works.” He takes several quick breaths, “But I also see how well we work together, and I think, I think you would be an amazing father.”

“I think I would be overbearing, and overprotective. I think I would be so scared all the time, knowing what cruelty is out there.”

Kiyoomi blinks as he processes what Atsumu has said…Atsumu worries too.

“You can't stop the world from having pain in it.” Kiyoomi says.

“I know.” comes Atsumu’s soft, defeated whisper.

“I worry that I would be like my mom, and put too much on a child. I worry that…that I would hurt them.” Kiyoomi can't bring himself to speak his intrusive thoughts, the thoughts that show him how he would push a child to kill themselves.

“You don't hurt me,” Atsumu murmurs.

“You're not a child.”

Astsumu takes a deep breath, “If you didn't have this worry, if you didn't think your OCD would ruin things, what would you want?”

The question sits like a rock. He will never be without his OCD. He will never be normal. Even knowing that, the answer feels clear to him. He wants what they had in the back yard today. He wants a family with Atsumu. He wants to watch Atsumu love a child with all of his heart. He wants to watch that person grow up and see the pride in Atsumu’s eyes. He feels a tear slowly slide down his cheek. Atsumu sees and wipes it away with his thumb. “I…” Kiyoomi is struggling to say more, to get the thoughts out of his throat.

“It's okay if it's not what you want.” Atsumu says gently, thumb stroking his cheek.

Kiyoomi’s throat hiccups as he holds back the cry he wants to let out.

“Omi, you don't gotta hold it in.”

Kiyoomi bites his lip, very much trying to hold it in. Everytime he tries to open his mouth to speak, the cry threatens to come out instead. He feels frustrated with his body, let me talk dammit. He grabs onto Atsumu’s shirt and presses his face in. He has let Atsumu do this same thing so many times, and God does it feel good. It feels safe and warm to press his face into Atsumu's chest. He holds on, he knows he's going to lose the battle soon, he just wants to get the words out, “I want…I want it,” he takes a terribly long shaking breath, trying to hold back what feels like a giant wall of pain, “I want a family with you.”

He feels Atsumu wrap his arms around his back, “You're going to be an amazing dad,” is whispered into his hair and Kiyoomi loses the fight. He's not lost in a panic attack, he is still present, but he is lost in a sea of tears. He weeps, stifling the sound of cries against Atsumu’s body. Strong arms hold him close as his body shakes. Atsumu thinks…Atsumu thinks…despite everything, despite knowing how bad it can get…he thinks…

Kiyoomi truly isn't sure how long he cries. It feels like forever, like his body may never run out of tears. His body aches from all the clenching muscles, his face feels terrible and stuffed. He wants to stop, he is tired, but his body isn't done. And then there is Atsumu, strong and predictable, like a pillar.

Suddenly Kiyoomi feels so tired, like crying sucked him completely dry. His eyes still leak but his body isn't tense anymore.

“Omi, you had that all saved up, huh?”

“I guess so,” Kiyoomi says, testing out his voice.

“Before you ask, yes I meant what I said. I want a family with you too.”

Kiyoomi is thankful, his anxiety had wanted to ask.

“So…which of us should get knocked up?”

Kiyoomi laughs, partially in relief, partially because of how ridiculous Atsumu is. His face is still pressed into Atsumu's chest as he laughs. “Definitely you, no way am I passing on these genes.”

“And ruin this figure?” Atsumu jokes, still holding him close. Kiyoomi grabs him around the waist, pinching a little, “I think you would look good with some extra here.”

That seems to shut Atsumu up, at least for a moment. The relief really starts to hit Kiyoomi, he feels like he is close to passing out, body exhausted from flooding him full of adrenaline and anxiety.

“Omi, I love you, I love you so much sometimes it feels like my heart hurts.”

“I love you too Atsu, more than I ever thought possible.” He says back, voice deep and heavy.

“Sleep now Omi, I've got you.” And it's true. Atsumu does have him. Kiyoomi closes his eyes, breathes in deeply, smelling the home on Atsumu, and he falls asleep

Chapter Text

Holy shit. Holy shit. Holy shit. Atsumu lies awake, still holding the other man in his arms, asleep.

Omi has been crying so much lately. Partly Atsumu is glad, he always was concerned that Kiyoomi wasn't properly letting his body feel his feelings, but it is also hard to see him so…sad. Atsumu had nearly panicked when Kiyoomi had started hyperventilating and shaking like that. He is glad that at that moment he remembered a grounding technique.

He has seen Kiyoomi upset before…but not like that, not where it seemed like he was about to fly apart into a thousand pieces. Atsumu wonders…wonders what has been going on in his head during the panic attack. Atsumu knows what it is like for him during a flashback, the body reaction is similar…is a flashback a panic attack with a particular memory intrusive thought? He'll have to ask Omi later. Either way, he knows how tiring it is to have your body freak out.

He gently rubs Kiyoomi's back as he lays with him. He wants…a family. When Kiyoomi had said they should talk about the future, Atsumu got really scared. It's not something they talk about. They kind of just…do one day at a time.

He thinks about Osamu’s comment earlier that day, about how Kiyoomi should put a ring on him…and apparently Osamu had something to do with the kid conversation too. Despite claiming to hate Kiyoomi he sure is planting the seeds for a lasting relationship.

Atsumu reaches for his phone and rests it against Kiyoomi’s shoulder. He opens it and turns the brightness all the way down. There are messages from his brother.

“You good? Is that you weeping in there?”

“Hello? Do you need saving?”

“I'm going to sleep, wake me if you need me.”

Atsumu smiles and texts back one handed. “All good. And no that wasn't me…🫢”

Atsumu switches to Instagram and is surprised to see Osamu text back.

“Holy. That was Omi? It's hard to picture him crying.”

“I thought you were asleep. And yeah, that's only like the third time I've seen that. It's rare.” It's hard to type with just one thumb.

“I had my ringer on in case you needed saving.”

“Aww, you felt guilty because you knew you had something to do with this.”

“No clue what you are talking about. It's not my fault my daughter is beloved by everyone.”

“Jerk. Anyways, thanks for meddling, we had a good conversation.”

“Glad to hear it. Literally I had to hear it. Goodnight Tsumu. I'm turning my ringer off.”

“Night Samu.”

Atsumu switches back to scrolling. His mind too active to actually fall asleep. He tries not to think too hard, they still have a lot of life to figure out. And despite his joke, there is no way to accidentally get a kid…knowing what Samu went through, it's kind of a huge ordeal.

He goes to the Black Jackals page and looks through the photos their publicist took. There are quite a few of Shoyo, he is the captain after all. The team looks happy. Shoyo looks happy. They must have faced the Adler's recently because there is a picture of Shoyo and Tobio together. Atsumu wonders if it is ever weird to face your husband across the net…it must bring up some tension, one side has to lose after all. Knowing those two though, they probably find lots of ways to work through the ‘tension’.

Atsumu is a bit jealous. Over the years he asked Shoyo more about how he and Tobio made it work with his sexual assault history. The answer was drugs…which was weird. Apparently in highschool they got super high together off of an edible and had like…brain sex. It's hard to conceptualize. He is glad that Shoyo doesn't have to get high anymore, it was concerning for Atsumu to hear about that, especially since he knew Shoyo was raped after being drugged. To each their own though. Apparently they still can have brain sex while sober. Atsumu isn't sure he will ever understand but he's happy for the man.

He is not interested in getting high, so he will have to figure things out the sober way. They still haven't done much with clothes off, only that one time with Atsumu on his lap. Atsumu feels his face warm as he remembers while he continues to scroll through volleyball pictures.

That time had been really nice…until he freaked out. It's weird, but it is reassuring that Kiyoomi freaks out too sometimes. It helps Atsumu not feel like he is just this weight dragging them down.

He scrolls for a while longer until his own eyes start to droop. Finally. He puts his phone down and snuggles up against Kiyoomi. It sure is a tight fit, but it's also quite nice. He closes his eyes.

…

He should have known. It literally happened every other time he stayed over in his childhood bedroom. He wakes with a start, hand flying to his throat, taking deep gulps of air. His throat is okay. He rubs it, letting his fingers feel that everything is okay. Just a dream. It was just a dream. He brings his hand to his mouth, covering it as he looks up at the underside of the top bunk. The slats, the underside of the mattress, it's a view he knows so well. His body twitches, still a little confused. “Mmm, Atsu?” A heavy arm slides around his middle, hand coming to rest on his chest. Something so normal. Something usually so normal. “Omi, please stop.”

Kiyoomi pulls his hand away, instantly more awake, “Sorry-”

“Don't worry,” Atsumu interrupts, he sits up, he's hard in his pants. It's a shameful feeling. “I'm going to go to the bathroom.”

“Oh, okay.”

Atsumu walks out, closing the door to the bedroom behind him. The bathroom is thankfully empty and he goes in and sits on the edge of the tub. He feels gross. The dream lingers in his mind. It wasn't the worst he's had by far. It's always hard being here. He also loves it because it has his family, but there is something about the house that makes him feel so close to his trauma…everything just feels…sharp.

He gets up and splashes water on his face and brushes his teeth. He looks at himself in the mirror, staring uncomfortably into his own eyes. It's been a decade. I've lived a whole life since then. I belong to me. He sees his own bottom lip twitch. He hears squeals of delight from down the hall. Akari. Omi. Samu. Ma. They love me. His body has calmed down, thankfully. He walks back out to the bedroom and finds Omi in the process of changing. He closes the door behind him and sits on the bottom bunk.

“Hey, are you okay?” Kiyoomi asks, buttoning his pants.

“Yeah, just had bad dreams,” he says.

“I was worried that our conversation last night had freaked you out…it's okay if it did.”

Come to think of it, his dream had been particularly heavy on the themes of being held down. “No, I'm not upset about that, promise. How are you feeling about our conversation?”

Kiyoomi takes a moment to tuck his shirt into his jeans, “I'm feeling…raw, but not upset.”

“Just a heads up that you were audible last night, Osamu might mention it.” He watches Kiyoomi close his eyes and take a deep breath.

“Okay, thank you for the warning.”

“Ma will be coming in around lunch, is there anything you want to do before then?”

“If you want to, I'd love to see your hometown more.”

Atsumu looks up at him. He feels…mixed about that. When he comes home he hardly ever goes out. He knows his whole town knows all the drama, he was like a hometown hero when he went pro straight from highschool. Plus Sumu had given him a heads up that Nori was still in town.

“It's okay if you don't want to.” Kiyoomi says when Atsumu doesn't respond.

The truth is, he does want to, he wants to feel like he can exist in his own hometown. But…it also is terrifying.

“This is going to sound so weird, but usually when I go out to town I pretend that I'm Samu, not that people can really tell us apart. If I wear the hat no one notices.”

“I don't see a problem with that.”

“You wouldn't be able to like…touch me or anything, or rumors about Samu would go flying.”

“Don't worry, I'd never lay hands on Osamu.” He jokes.

“You fucking better not, I'm the hotter twin by far.”

Kiyoomi rolls his eyes and sits down on the bed next to him. There is tension between them when there usually isn't. Kiyoomi is fidgeting with his fingers.

Atsumu leans back, careful not to hit his head on the upper bunk. “I brushed my teeth if you want to kiss me.” He says, resting his own hand idly in his stomach. He watches Kiyoomi look down at him.

“Atsumu, something feels wrong, but I don't know what.”

Atsumu closes his eyes. He feels it too, like something is unresolved. Probably last night.

“We don't usually talk about the future.” He says quietly.

He feels Kiyoomi lay down next to him, but he doesn't have the foresight to duck and hits his head. “Ow,” he groans.

“I've done that so many times. Osamu says it explains my obvious brain damage.”

“Yeah I can feel some brain cells dying as we speak.”

“Hey! Mean!” Atsumu rolls onto his side and tickles at Kiyoomi’s waist. The man bursts out laughing for a moment before he taps the bed with his hand. Atsumu stops and listens to Kiyoomi pant to catch his breath, “Not…fair…I'm so...ticklish.”

“Well then don't be mean.” Atsumu says with a smile. This is better. This is more like them.

“Atsu,” his voice is serious, “I meant what I said, I…I'm still afraid though. I keep seeing…I keep seeing kids who have killed themselves.” His voice is thick and heavy.

Atsumu feels himself suck in a breath. Shit. That sounds horrible. That would explain the panic attack.

He reaches over to hold Kiyoomi’s face, his eyes are closed. Kiyoomi holds so much guilt, it's tearing him apart. “Omi,” Atsumu’s chest feels tight, like someone is pressing down, “Omi it wasn't your fault. Any of the times.” Atsumu’s chest hurts worse after he says the words.

Kiyoomi opens his eyes and looks up at the slats. The slats that Atsumu has memorized, from all the times he looked up, crying, wanting to die.

“I wish I had my medicine.” Kiyoomi says and Atsumu knows in his heart that Kiyoomi wants to self harm. Atsumu doesn't know what to say, he doesn't know how to help the hurt. He still feels that pressure in his chest, it aches.

“Omi, sometimes things are bigger than you, sometimes it has nothing to do with you, sometimes…you just need to take care of yourself.”

“You can't prioritize yourself if you have a kid.”

“Omi, your mom wasn't prioritizing herself, she was neglecting you.”

Kiyoomi turns his head and he looks angry. Atsumu is startled by the expression, Omi often looks grumpy, disturbed, judgemental, but never actually angry. Kiyoomi turns his head back upwards and sits up, using a hand to hold and duck under the upper bunk.

“I think I'm going to take a walk. The beach is nearby right?” Kiyoomi is facing away from him, voice low and monotone.

Atsumu pushes himself onto his elbows, holding his head up from the bed, “Yeah, you can walk to the shore from here.”

Kiyoomi’s fingers tap on his knees, “I love you, I just need…to think.”

Atsumu isn't able to get his mouth to respond before Kiyoomi is out the door. Atsumu runs through all the things he said, picking each sentence apart. Idiot.

…

Kiyoomi passes Akari and Rin on his way out.

“Uncle Omi!”

“Hey Kiyoomi, you two heading out?”

Kiyoomi’s step falters, “I have a work call to make, I should be back for lunch.” He continues onward and exits the house. He has a vague sense of which way the beach is. He puts his hands in his pockets and walks. Now he is the one running. It just kind of felt like he was going to suffocate if he stayed in that room any longer. He feels bad for leaving Atsumu…but he desperately needed to go before he said something he couldn't take back.

He knows Atsumu is right, his logical brain knows that he was neglected…possibly even a little more than neglect. But to hear it said so bluntly, it made him feel angry and defensive. He didn't have a bad mom, he loved his mom. He had a sick mom, who lost her pillar, who lost the love of her life, and then she just couldn't do it, but Kiyoomi already existed.

What if…what if something happened to Atsumu…it's not like he hasn't brushed close to death already. Kiyoomi could follow the same path, just let himself fall so deeply into his OCD, despite the child that he and Atsumu had chosen to have together.

There is no way he could do it alone. No way he could do it without Atsu.

As for the other thing Atsumu had said…about it not being his fault. That hurts in a different way. It hurts because he knows it is something he would say to another person. Frankly, he has said it many times to other people. It hurts to hear it towards himself, because it is not true. It hurts that Atsumu wants to let him avoid his responsibility and guilt like that. It hurts to think that Atsumu believes he is a better person than he really is.

He walks and the smell of salt in the air gets thicker and the seagulls more numerous. He loves the beach, and despite growing up next to the ocean, it's quite different when it's Tokyo where you can't actually get to the water or enjoy the sand. He continues to walk, it's a warmer day and the air feels fresh. He follows signs for the public beach.

He needs to figure this out, he needs to figure out what he actually thinks before he goes back. The road ends in a sandy hill where several cars are parked. He can now hear the actual sound of the waves, rhythmic and soothing. He climbs the small hill and stands at the top for a moment. It's beautiful. He looks left and right, amazed at just how much sky there is. He shuffles down the other side of the hill and removes his shoes and socks. He holds them in one hand as he walks, savoring the feeling of sand against his feet. He is totally going to regret this later, but right now, it's wonderful.

He can already feel his brain resetting as all of his senses are engaged. Smells, sounds, touch, sight…he's a therapist he really should know by now that these things will help. He walks, staying clear of the water. Having damp sand cling to his skin might truly be the last straw. He finds a driftwood log and sits, watching the waves dutifully roll in.

He thinks about what he knows to be true, and what he is mixed up about.

I know that I love Atsumu, and I know that he loves me. I know that he holds me in high regard, he thinks I am good despite what he knows. I am mixed up because I think I'm worse than he believes to be true.

I know that Atsumu said he sees kids in his future. I know that deep down I want that too. I am mixed up because I am afraid…I am afraid I will do what my Mom did to me.

Kiyoomi feels his eyes well with tears but he just keeps looking at the waves, breathing in time with them. In, out, again.

I know that my mom killed herself. I know that Atsumu thinks it is not my fault. I am mixed up because I disagree.

Kiyoomi blinks for a moment as something pops into his head. I hold guilt. Atsumu holds shame. The water continues to move.

The office incident, Atsumu feels shame for what he thinks he let happen. I hold guilt for what I think I let happen. But really, the only person who should feel both of those things…is Nori.

What if…Kiyoomi shakes his head and looks down at the sand. Each grain is so small it blends into a huge blanket. Kiyoomi knows that if he put it under a microscope it would actually be a beautiful mosaic of material, glass, shells, rock, all ground so small by the unending waves that they lose their identity. What if this isn't an identity he needs to hold. What if…what if it was given to him, but it was never really his.

He scoops up a handful of the sand, inspecting it in his palm. There are bits of seaweed and likely pieces of fish bone. Sand is not one thing, it's so many things, an immeasurable amount of things, and he just gets to hold it, probably thousands of grains in his hand right now. It's like people. No person is just one thing, they are…many.

Kiyoomi doesn't want shame to be the thing that Atsumu believes himself to be, when the truth is that…he is so many beautiful and unique things. Oh. That's how he probably feels about Kiyoomi.

Kiyoomi lets the sand slide through his fingers, feeling the grit of individual pieces fall away. I'm no one thing, despite what I want to believe. I am not my OCD or my fear of my guilt.

He pulls out his phone and takes a picture of the beach. He calls Atsumu.

“Hey,” comes the quiet voice.

“Hey, thank you for giving me space to think. The beach is really nice, do you want to join me?”

“Yeah, I'll be there in a minute.”

Kiyoomi watches the waves while he rolls individual grains of sand in-between his fingertips. They are so small, but together they make something so big.

Kiyoomi hears the click of bike gears and glances over to see Atsumu walking a bike across the sand.

Atsumu lays the bike down and says “You found a nice spot.”

“I did. It's beautiful here.”

Atsumu sits next to him on the log, “Yeah, I used to spend a lot of time here just hitting the ball around with Samu.”

“Atsumu I'm sorry for leaving like that.”

“Oh it's okay Omi, it's okay to need that.”

“I think the space to think really helped me. You're right, I have a lot of guilt, I think many things are my fault. Some of those things, statistically speaking, are probably not actually my fault.”

Atsumu slides off his shoes and burrows his toes into the sand.

“I think you probably understand, from your own point of view, holding emotions that aren't…fully true.”

Atsumu nods, eyes trained on the horizon, hands braced on the dry log.

“It's something I need to keep working on, I'm sorry I reacted poorly when you brought these things up this morning.”

“Well, you didn't yell at me and call me a liar, so…” Atsumu is trying to compare it to the ‘you were groomed’ conversation. And maybe it is a little bit like that, it was a truth he hadn't felt ready to hear, but maybe he needed to hear it anyway.

“Can I tell you about why I actually freaked out?”

“Yeah,” Atsumu says so quietly the breeze nearly takes the word away.

“My mom used to do a lot better, when my dad was alive. He helped her a lot, she was very loving, affectionate, and outgoing. I didn't even really know that she had OCD until he passed, then it all came in like a flood. She couldn't take care of me, she couldn't even take care of herself. But I was still there, I didn't have another option, I became a burden. I became something that made it worse, made her worse.

Kiyoomi looks up from the sand to look at the ocean, “I'm afraid that could happen to me. If you died, I would just fall apart, and I wouldn't be able to…do what I needed to do.”

Atsumu leans back, kicking his feet further into the sand, “That is indeed a horrible thought. I think I might be the same way though. After I lost you the first time, I was a wreck, and that wasn't even close to the love and dependence I feel for you now.”

Kiyoomi looks over to Atsumu who is still looking straight ahead at the waves.

“I think it might be normal to fear that, nobody wants their person to die,” Atsumu says, “I'm sorry that nobody was there for you, when your mom got sick.”

“Mmm,” Kiyoomi vocalizes as he looks straight ahead again. Nobody was there. Nobody noticed and helped him out.

“That wouldn't be the case for us though. We have Samu and Rin who would probably do anything for a relative, and Ma of course.”

Oh. Holy shit. Kiyoomi doesn't have a family like that, he never considered…never considered that he would never be all alone like that.

“Do you think Osamu would be a godparent?”

“Yup, I'm Akari’s”

Kiyoomi didn't know that…the waves continue to move. They will never stop. Well maybe if there is a tsunami they will stop briefly…okay no need to think about tsunami’s.

“I'm feeling a lot better. Thank you. Is there anything you need to talk about?”

Atsumu thoughtfully kicks at the sand, “When I told you that it wasn't your fault, it hurt something in me too. I think…I think I still feel a lot of shame and guilt about what I put you through. I can never undo it. I can never take away that trauma.”

“Before I broke us up, I think I had a moment where I understood, at least a little. I was so hopeless and depressed that…it seemed really pointless. I just knew every single day was going to have the same pain again and again. I really was losing the will to live. And I thought of you, and I thought, if this is how you felt, I got it, I just wanted to die.”

Atsumu turns, “Omi…”

“What I'm trying to say is, you didn't know that the assaults were going to stop. He was blackmailing you, you must have felt so…hopeless and scared. I don't blame you. What you did hurt and scared the shit out of me, but…I think I would have done the same in your position.”

Atsumu is looking down, hands clenched on his knees.

“That being said, you're never allowed to do that ever again. Ever. I would never forgive you.”

“Wasn't planning on it Omi, Jesus.”

“Just had to say it.”

Atsumu takes a deep breath, filling his lungs completely before he exhales out of his nose.

“Did you get close…to doing something stupid?”

“Yeah, I'm sorry.”

“God dammit Omi.” Kiyoomi looks over to see Atsumu hunched over, hands still in fists.

“God dammit.” He says again and he stands, pacing in front of Kiyoomi.

He whirls all of a sudden, “YOURE never fucking allowed to do that! You can do that. You can't make that decision. If you start feeling hopeless you gotta tell me right away you gotta, promise me.”

“I promise.” Kiyoomi says automatically.

Atsumu stops, kicking some sand, “I promise too. We live. No matter what, until the natural end.”

“Agreed.” Kiyoomi says.

Atsumu plops down on the log and groans, “Man who knew this was going to be such an emotional trip. Heh, you ready to meet Ma again?”

“Oh God.” Kiyoomi groans.

Chapter Text

They are setting the table when a whirlwind that rivals Atsumu's energy enters the room. Nobody flinches except for Kiyoomi.

Ma grabs Atsumu’s head as he is mid-bite (somehow already eating…) and kisses the top of his head.

“Ma you're gonna make me choke,” he grumbles half heartedly. She rounds the table and does the same for everyone…even Rin. She starts to approach Kiyoomi when Atsumu says, mouth still full, “Ma, don't.”

She huffs but does leave him alone to take her own seat. “How was your trip?” Osamu asks, cutting up food for Akari’s plate. It is becoming clear that Osamu is the most level headed Miya.

“Oh it was just lovely, but I'm glad to be back with my boys, and you darling,” she says as she reaches to ruffle Akari’s hair. Akari ignores the gestures, instead staring directly at the food she knows is being cut for her. Truly a Miya.

Everybody serves themselves from the middle of the table, quiet murmurs to pass something or thank someone. Kiyoomi thinks about when he brought Atsu home to Mom. It's so different. Atsumu’s family is so…affectionate. Kiyoomi’s own mom was affectionate pre-crisis but not like this…and once she was sick…Kiyoomi doesn't think she ever touched him.

“Kiyoomi, how are you enjoying Atsumu’s school? He says you're helping with the team?” Ma’s voice is light, endearing; it's the same voice Atsumu used to use with him very early on, like an invitation to open up.

“I am enjoying it a lot, it helps to have a friend show me the ropes.”

Kiyoomi watches Ma give Atsumu a look, “Don't worry Ma he's just being polite. He’s not like us rural folk.”

Kiyoomi looks between the two of them, he has no clue what he said wrong. Atsumu catches his eyes and waves his hand, silently saying ‘don't worry.’

“Uncle Omi is taller than Papa.” Akari announces

Rin leans forward to look at Kiyoomi, “Only by a little.” Now everyone is looking at Kiyoomi. The room feels really small. He feels Atsumu’s hand on his lower thigh, he gives a gentle squeeze.

“Omi is really good at coaching. He talks so gentle that it lets the kid’s guard down and then wham he hits ‘em with the advice, works like a charm every time. Me on the other hand, I find that yelling works just fine.”

“Jesus Tsumu, they are probably terrified of you.”

The twins start to bicker about what is too much fear to be considered respect.

Kiyoomi watches Atsumu debate, talking out of his ass is his specialty. He makes points, using his chopsticks as extensions of his gesturing hands, mouth half full of food. It should be ridiculous. It frankly is ridiculous. But Kiyoomi finds that his heart is filled with love just the same. Kiyoomi glances away and sees that Ma is watching him, a soft smile on her lips.

He feels his face heat and glances away back to Atsumu, who is now fisting both chopsticks in one hand to point a finger directly as Osamu while he dishes out a rebuttal. Despite the fact that they are arguing, nobody around the table seems to mind. Everyone keeps pleasantly eating, until Rin elbows Osamu, gruffly saying, “enough.”

“Enough!” Akari echos in a serious voice, sending the whole table into laughter.

Kiyoomi feels Atsumu’s hand on his leg again. Kiyoomi places his on top, running his long fingers down to rest in the grooves between Atsumu’s fingers.

Atsumu leans over to rest the top of his head against Kiyoomi’s upper bicep. “They're not afraid of me right?”

“Just enough to have their respect. They adore you.”

“You could be a little meaner, be bad cop once in a while.”

Omi chuckles, “You said it looked like I was murderous in the hallway…”

Atsumu flips his hand so that their palms are face to face. “Funny how I'm all smiles but the hard ass, and you're all grumpy but a softy.”

“I'm not a softy.”

Atsumu just chuckles in response.

Once she has finished eating Akari quickly convinces…more like demands that they all go outside and play with her. It's hard to say no, and likely none of them even want to say no.

…

Kiyoomi retires into the bedroom early, needing a social break. He still feels raw from earlier that day, and last night, and meeting Ma again…

Atsumu’s family is so confusing. They kiss, they fight, they demand, they…love each other. Based on how Atsumu told Ma to stop, she was planning on kissing his head too. This is the second time they have ever met.

Kiyoomi picks a book from the shelf and starts to read. He lets his mind focus on the words and build a mental image of the story. He is lounging on the bed when he turns a page and an old bookmark falls out. It lands on his chest, just a scrap of paper really. He turns it over to see neat handwriting “For my starshine, all the love in the world.” Kiyoomi's stomach drops.

Kiyoomi looks at the bookmark, the paper looks torn out of a notebook. He imagines teenage Atsumu reading this same message. What had he felt when he read this? Kiyoomi hears footsteps coming down the hall and slides the paper back in-between pages further back in the book. Atsumu comes in, eyes bright, hair tussled.

He bounces down onto the bed, head turns to look at the book in Kiyoomi’s hands, ‘Hmm, I never finished that one. It's not one I'd pick, it was a gift.”

Atsumu is very much leaving out who it was a gift from. “Is it any good?” Atsumu asks.

“No.” Kiyoomi says with finality, snapping the cover closed. He rests the book on his stomach, looking back into Atsumu's face.

Atsumu reaches up to play with a strand of curly hair on his head. “Pretty Omi” he says under his breath.

Kiyoomi never though his heart would react so strongly to being called pretty.

The fingers run through more strands, brushing close to his ear, “I want to ask you for something.” Atsumu says quietly. His tone is somber, almost sad.

Kiyoomi already has a feeling he might now what Atsumu is thinking,

“I want to do the pressure thing again, here though.” Atsumu’s thumb traces his jaw down and then back up. “I already feel so close to my teenage self, I want to try again.”

“Atsumu, you don't have to…trigger yourself to talk to him, he is always there.”

Atsumu's fingers fall away to rest against his own chest.

“It's more like…I need to show him. Show him that it's safe now. You can say no, I know last time you got sad watching. But I think it could really help me.”

Kiyoomi is nervous, nervous to do that activity in a place that is so full of reminders. He meets Atsumu's eyes and sees his partner’s fierce determination.

“Okay love, if you at any point stop responding to me I'm going to stop.”

“That sounds good,” Atsumu says, “I'm feeling ready now.”

Kiyoomi looks at the twin sized bunk bed situation.

“About that,” Atsumu says, watching his gaze, “I'd like to try it on the desk.”

On the desk? There is hardly room there either. He looks at Atsumu who has his eyes cast downwards, chewing on his bottom lip, “It never actually happened at this desk.” He says quietly.

Kiyoomi’s jaw clenches as he understands.

“Atsu, baby…”

“It's okay if you can't, I just thought…I thought maybe,”

“Hun,” he gently lifts Atsumu's face with a finger under his chin, “If you really want this, I can do this with you.”

Atsumu meets his eyes, expression settling, he nods.

They men stand and Kiyoomi pulls him into a gentle hug, which Atsumu turns into a tight crushing hug.

“Tell me how you want me.” Kiyoomi says into his ear, “I'm not going to do anything if you don't tell me to.”

Atsumu releases him from the hug and turns to face the desk. He pulls the chair out of the way, and clears a little space in the middle of the tabletop. Atsumu leans his back against the edge of the table, facing Kiyoomi. “I'm going to be face down against it. I think we should start gradually again, so that I stay in my adult head, especially since I won't be able to see you as well.” Atsumu pauses, rubbing his palms down the fabric of his pants on his thighs. He's nervous.

“Can you start with my feet again, you might have to crouch down. And then for my legs, there isn't going to be anything to really press them against…”

Atsumu seems to be deflating a little bit. Kiyoomi sits in the moved chair, trying to make himself smaller, “What are you thinking?”

“Could you like…press from either side?”

“Sure,” Kiyoomi feels like a mess of nerves, but he's trying to keep himself calm seeming.

“Okay,” Atsumu says, hands gripping the edge of the desk.

“We will stop at any time, and then nothing will happen.”

“Nothing will happen,” Atsumu says back to him. “Alright Omi,” he whispers and turns around. He bends over the desk and braces himself onto his bent arms so that his legs can be more or less straight and together.

Kiyoomi stays sitting, his stomach feels ill. This is so different than pushing him against a bed. He doesn't want to do this. His stomach and brain are saying that he doesn't want to do this. He could tell how much it meant to Atsumu though, and his pain during this will be so much more than Kiyoomi’s discomfort.

Atsumu takes a deep breath, “Okay Omi, feet.” Kiyoomi gets up and crouches down by Atsumu’s socked feet. He uses one hand to press down on each foot. He holds the pressure there until Atsumu gives him the next cue, “Alright, calves.”

Kiyoomi stays crouching and uses both of his hands on one leg. He wraps a hand around either side and pushes together, like he is trying to compress the muscle. “Other one,” he hears Atsumu say against the desk. Kiyoomi is watching his body, watching for signs of discomfort. He doesn't see any yet.

“Thighs,” Kiyoomi moves his hands to up above the knee, applying pressure to each leg before he moves upwards. He hears Atsumu start to breath heavier mid-thigh. He goes slower, more gradual, giving him time to acclimate and say stop if he needs to. He is applying pressure to the upper part of Atsumu’s thighs when he hears “Omi?”

Kiyoomi drops his hands, “Yeah?”

“Can you stand behind me and use your hands on my hips?”

“Yes, I can.” Kiyoomi stands but doesn't touch him until he sees Atsumu nod.

Kiyoomi places his hands on either side of his hip, right above where his bottom starts, and gently pushes forwards. This part of Atsumu is pinned up against the desk, there is something giving pressure from the other side too. He can feel Atsumu’s body twitch a little, the muscles under his hands flexing. “Do you want me to stop?”

“No. I'm okay.” He watches Atsumu’s back rise and fall with slow deep breaths.

“Omi, just because I cry doesn't mean you should stop. But if it gets to be too much for you, you can always stop.”

“Okay,” Kiyoomi says cautiously.

Atsumu slides his arms out from under his chest, instead folding them up above his head, to compensate for his long legs he has to spread them a little, “Can you use your body to push against me?”

Kiyoomi feels his own body take in a shaking inhale. This. This is different. This…he will be where…

“Omi?”

“I'm here,” he says into the quiet room.

“You don't have to.” Atsumu whispers into the desk, hands clenched above his head.

“I can,” he says. He takes a small step closer, putting his feet right on the inside edge of Atsumu’s feet. He leans forwards a little, fingers braced against the edge of the desk on either side of Atsu’s body. He starts slow, just their bodies barely touching, and eases forwards, feeling their bodies actually press together. He is watching Atsumu’s clothed back closely.

He keeps moving minutely forwards, hands now flat on the desktop. He hears Atsumu suck in a sharp breath and his lower half flinches. Kiyoomi pulls back an inch, watching Atsumu closely.

“No, don't stop, it's okay.” Atsumu’s voice is whispy, like his throat is strained.

Kiyoomi clenches his jaw and moves his hips forwards again, so that his legs press into Atsumu’s. His hips comes to rest against Atsumu’s backside, keeping him in place against the desk. Atsumu lets out a gasp, and the sound makes Kiyoomi’s stomach flips. It's not unlike gasps he lets out when they are…

Kiyoomi looks down, at the place where they are against each other. Atsumu. His Atsumu…how many times were you here? He feels his eyes water as the gravity of what he is being allowed, actually asked to do, hits him.

He sees Atsumu’s back heave, like he is holding in a sob. “Atsu…”

“I'm still okay,” he croaks out, body shuddering as he says the words. A few tears fall from Kiyoomi’s eyes, dotting Atsumu’s shirt.

“Lean over me Omi.”

“What?”

Atsumu turns his head to the side a little, “Lean over me.”

Kiyoomi can feel his heart pounding in his ears. He slides his hands up the desk and leans his upper body over Atsumu. His stomach presses into Atsumu's back but he holds his chest up higher.

He can feel Atsumu’s tight and short breaths under him.

“Omi, I'm gonna let him say stop. Please hold on while he figures it out. I'm going to have you press down now.”

Kiyoomi opens his mouth but realizes he doesn't actually have any words in mind to say.

“All of you Omi.” Atsumu says, his voice firm.

Kiyoomi takes a deep breath. Trust him, he reminds himself.

He bends him arms, allowing his body to sink down on top of Atsumu. He feels heavy, even to himself. He continues letting his weight rest down until he hears Atsumu’s groan, like he's just been punched in the stomach. It's a horrible sound. The body under him trembles but doesn't try to move away. He feels and hears Atsumu taking in quick inhales through his mouth as his hands open and close against the desk top.

And then Atsumu relaxes, spreads his legs more and just…lies there. It is a thousand times worse. Kiyoomi feels more tears fall, closer now to Atsumu’s neckline. Before he realizes it he is whispering, “Come on Hun, you can do it, it's okay, you're okay.”

The body under him quakes for a moment and he hears that low groan again. “You can say no, you can stay stop, I'll always listen.” Kiyoomi hears that his voice is tearful, cracking at the end of each word.

The back under him heaves but nothing but a half choked exhale comes out. “Come on Atsu, I want to hear it, I love it when I hear you say stop. You're so good. You're so good when you say stop.”

Atsumu fills his lungs again and lets out a sharp cry, like it physically hurts. Maybe it does.

“Kiyoomi…” his name is ground out through clenched teeth. He takes a quick inhale and whispers, “Stop.”

Kiyoomi is so thankful to hear that word. He immediately takes several steps back and kneels on the ground. His own heart is racing and his face feels wet with tears. Atsumu slumps to the floor, head resting against the leg of the desk. Kiyoomi can't see his face, he hasn't seen his face this whole time.

Atsumu turns his head slightly and Kiyoomi sees wide eyes searching his face. Kiyoomi looks back, looking for signs of how the other man is doing. “Nothing will happen.” Kiyoomi whispers.

Atsumu opens and closes his mouth without speaking. Atsumu's body seems to be twitching a little, like the fear is working its way through each resting limb.

“Do you want to be held?”

Atsumu doesn't answer, he sits, head now slightly tilted down towards the ground.

“Hun, please try to talk.”

Atsumu looks up again, hands resting in his own lap. He almost looks confused, eyes glancing around, like he's not sure why he's there. “Omi,” he says quietly.

“Yes love?”

“I'm sorry.”

Atsumu’s eyes overrun with tears and he says it again, “I'm sorry.” He leans over, putting his forehead against the floor, “I'm sorry,” he whispers, voice thick.

Kiyoomi desperately wants to hold him, curl him into his lap, pet his hair, kiss his face. He doesn't know if Atsumu wants that.

“Atsu, breathe love.”

Atsumu takes a long strained inhale, fingers clenching on either side of his head.

“Do you want to be alone?” Kiyoomi asks quietly.

Atsumu shakes his head that is still firmly planted on the floor.

“Can I touch you to comfort you?”

He watches Atsumu pause and then nod. Kiyoomi slides over to Atsumu and gently holds his shoulders to pull him into his lap. Atsumu lets himself be moved and rests his upper body and head against Kiyoomi’s legs. His body is still quaking a little bit, random muscles spasming tense.

Kiyoomi pets his hair, running his fingertips along his scalp. “You did so good,” he whispers, “You did such a good job when you told me to stop.”

He feels Atsumu bury his face into his thigh and a quiet sob moves through his chest. His chest shakes with the effort of holding it in. “Honey, you can let yourself feel it.”

Atsumu shakes his head.

“Nothing is going to happen if you feel it. There is nothing that will happen.”

Atsumu’s chest shudders again and he takes quick inhales. He's either about to shove it deep down or really let it out.

Atsumu lets out a high pitched whine, almost childlike, and he cries. He holds onto Kiyoomi's pants tight as he silently cries. It is jarring to see his body move so much, to cry so much, but almost no sound comes out. It's almost like something is blocking the sound. He rubs Atsumu's back lightly. Every few minutes he hears Atsumu get out the words “I'm sorry.” He really isn't sure why he is apologizing, but now is not the time to debate about it. He just keeps rubbing him and whispering gentle loving things.

At some point Atsumu grabs onto his legs really tight and screams into his leg. But the scream doesn't make any sound. Kiyoomi can feel the heat of breath from his lungs. He's so quiet. He used to be so quiet during sex too. Atsumu’s body finally relaxes in his lap, he must be so tired.

“Atsu, can I get you tucked in please.”

Atsumu nods against his thigh and lets Kiyoomi direct him to the bed. Kiyoomi climbs in first, and gently guides Atsumu down after him.

“Nothing is going to happen.” He whispers as Atsumu settles against the pillow. His eyes are red and swollen and his nose is fully stuffed up. Kiyoomi pulls the blanket over him and suddenly remembers that first time, that first clue, when Atsumu had passed out in their hotel room and Kiyoomi went to cover him with a blanket. He had panicked. He had gone for a run afterwards. Atsumu, you've come so far, you've been so brave. Kiyoomi doesn't lay an arm over him, knowing that he is likely sensitive to any downward pressure right now. Instead he finds Atsumu’s hand and holds it like it is a cherished item in both of his. “I'm so proud of you.” Kiyoomi whispers to the man a few inches in front of him. Atsumu blinks a few times, looking down at their joined hands.

“He did it.” Atsumu says quietly.

Kiyoomi isn't really sure what he means, and stays quiet hoping the other man will say more.

“I did it.” He says next,“He never listened. But you listen.”

Kiyoomi bites his lip, before he says “I will always listen.”

“He didn't listen.” Atsumu says again. “I tried. I really tried.”

“I believe you.” Kiyoomi says.

Atsumu looks up to his eyes. His red, irritated eyes. “He never stopped.”

Kiyoomi closes his eyes. Unable to stay calm and see his love’s broken face.

“You stop.”

“I stop.” Kiyoomi reassures, reopening his eyes to make sure Atsumu believes him.

Atsumu casts his gaze down to the pillow and blinks slowly. “My body holds a lot of hurt.”

“Yes. The body remembers.” Kiyoomi says.

Atsumu closes his eyes and pulls himself forwards into Kiyoomi’s chest.

“I'm tired of hurting.” Atsumu whispers.

Chapter Text

Kiyoomi nuzzles into his neck, mouthing at the sensitive skin there. Atsumu lets out a gentle moan, his lips feel so good.

“Quiet baby,” Omi whispers into his neck. Atsumu nods, hands grasping onto his shoulders as he keeps licking up his throat.

Kiyoomi sucks and nips a little bit. Atsumu stifles the sound that he wants to make with his hand. “That's it, good job.”

Atsumu likes it. He likes when Omi tells him these things.

Atsumu is on his back, Kiyoomi partially over him. Atsumu feels a hand slide up the underside of his bent leg. Fingers approach the hem of his shorts leg and then slip under. His back arches against the bed as Kiyoomi grabs his ass cheek. He can feel Kiyoomi smile against his neck.

“Omi” Atsumu whines against his hand.

“Yes doll?”

Atsumu blinks and looks up at Kiyoomi. He is looking down at Atsumu’s lower body, hand still gripping and pulling at his ass.

Atsumu removes his hand, “Omi?”

Kiyoomi looks at him, eyes dark. His fingers move further up his shorts legs to slide in-between his cheeks.

“H-Hey” Atsumu says, looking down. The shorts block Atsumu from seeing but he can feel a finger lightly brushing against him.

Kiyoomi sits up and brings his other hand to hold Atsumu’s throat just below his chin.

“Omi wait,” Even though Kiyoomi isn't squeezing around his neck it feels hard to breathe all the same.

“Then tell me to stop.”

Atsumu’s body jolts as the finger that had been up against him presses in. Atsumu grabs onto the arm connected to his throat. It hurts. Kiyoomi starts to squeeze his hand, “Say it before you run out of time.”

Atsumu’s body tries to push him away, his hands grasp and shove at his chest but Kiyoomi is like a rock.

“Omi!” He really is going to run out of air, the hand clamps down further and the little breaths he had been able to get are cut off.

Atsumu’s mouth opens but no sounds come out. How long can he go without breathing? The finger pushes harshly inside of him.

“You're so pretty when you're quiet.”

Atsumu closes his eyes. Just let him. It will end eventually or he’ll pass out.

“Papa stop!”

Atsumu opens his eyes and sees wooden slats above him. His room. He hears squealing from down the hall, Akari and Rin must be up to some nonsense. Atsumu swallows as he continues to look up. He can feel that Omi isn't there in bed. That's good.

Maybe that had been too much earlier. His body was so tired after the pressure exercise, he had napped against Kiyoomi.

He turns his head to look at the digital clock, he missed dinner. He forces his body up despite how weird everything feels. He hates waking up from a nap like this, everything is heavy and disorienting.

He walks out of the bedroom and finds Akari and Rin playing in the long hallway. “Sorry, did we wake you?” Rin asks.

“It's all good,” Atsumu says, rubbing his neck, “Where is everyone?”

“Living room.” Rin says before he grabs Akari and flips her upside down.

“Tsumu, you missed dinner.” Akari scolds, still upside down, arms dangling above her head.

“Yeah, even adults need naps sometimes.”

“I don't sleep through dinner.” Akari says proudly.

“Ma put some for you in the fridge.”

“Thanks Rin.” He walks down towards the living room. He wonders how Omi is doing all by himself. He pokes his head into the room to see Osamu, Ma and Omi all sitting together talking. As soon as they notice him they all stop, “Jeez, you guys talking about me?”

“Not everything is about you Tsumu.” Samu says.

“How was your nap Hun?” Omi says, eyes watching him carefully.

“Was good. Sorry I missed dinner.”

“All good darling, do you want me to heat it up for you?” Ma asks.

“No thanks, not hungry.” He plops down next to Kiyoomi, fighting the urge to pull away from touching him.

Everyone in the room looks at him. Ma leans forward to feel his forehead, “My son is sick.” she says gravely.

“Ma, cut it out.” He leans back and bats her hand away. He feels Kiyoomi chuckle beside him.

“Hun, do you want to take a walk with me?” Kiyoomi’s voice is soft, reminding Atsumu that this is the real him, not the one from his dream.

“Sure.”

They walk to the front door and grab their jackets. Kiyoomi takes a hat from the closet and places it on Atsumu’s head, adjusting his hair to lay flat under it. The gesture is so very gentle and kind.

Daylight is fading away leaving half of the sky dark and ominous as they walk down to the street. They walk in silence for a while, Atsumu leads them down various residential streets, just winding through the neighborhood.

“What were you guys talking about?” Atsumu asks.

“Oh lots of things. Ma told me stories about you and Osamu. Osamu told me about getting Akari. They both wanted to know how you are doing. They don't hear from you much.”

Atsumu wants to grumble something about a phone working both ways, but holds it in.

“How are you doing?” Kiyoomi asks gently.

“I'm okay, a bit shaken up.”

“Yeah, that was pretty intense,” it feels like Kiyoomi wants to say more, but he ends it there.

“I'm sorry if it was too much.”

Kiyoomi takes a breath and looks up at the darkening sky, “It was a lot, but it wasn't too much for me.”

“I think it was almost too much for me.”

They continue to walk side by side, hands almost brushing against each other, “Do you wish I had stopped sooner?” Kiyoomi asks.

“No,” Atsumu says slowly, “but I think my body might need time to figure things out. I had a really bad dream about you.”

“Oh…Do you want to tell me about it?”

What a horrible thing to offer. “No Omi, it's okay I know you'd never do…that.”

Kiyoomi glances over at him before turning straight ahead again, “Do you need some space from me?”

He wants the answer to be no. God no. But even this, walking with him, feels harder than it should be. Atsumu hates that his body holds these fears, but he also knows that the fears come from a real place. They keep walking, steps in line with each other. Atsumu thinks about the pictures, his pictures. In so many he had been crying. He tried to say stop in so many ways. But it doesn't matter how loud or clearly you say it if the other person isn't going to listen. Atsumu doesn't want space from Kiyoomi, he wants space from the fear.

“Actually, can I tell you about the dream?”

Kiyoomi looks surprised for a moment and Atsumu remembers that he had responded to Kiyoomi's original question with silence. The man just kept walking, waiting patiently.

“Uh, sure, yes, of course.” Kiyoomi rushes to say.

Night has fully set, only street lights illuminating the sidewalk.

“No one is around, can we hold hands?” Atsumu reaches out his palm and watches Kiyoomi take it, fingers intertwining perfectly.

“It started off nice, you were kissing my neck. I made some noise and you told me to be quiet, so I covered my mouth.”

Kiyoomi doesn't interrupt, just keeps a perfect stride with him.

“It's fuzzy, because it's a dream but something happened and everything felt…sour. You wouldn't look at my face and your hand went up my shorts. It was confusing because it didn't feel like we had agreed to do that.”

Kiyoomi squeezes his fingers gently, saying, I'm listening.

“You put your hand on my neck, here,” Atsumu touches his upper throat right under his chin. He makes brief eye contact with Kiyoomi before he breaks it and continues, “You said I had to say ‘stop’, but before I could you squeezed…and you were…in my pants and it hurt. I couldn't push you off.” Atsumu hears how quiet his own voice has gotten, “You wouldn't stop and eventually I just gave up. You'd finish eventually.”

Atsumu looks at the ground ahead of his moving feet until his attention is pulled by Kiyoomi rubbing his eyes with his other hand.

“Omi…”

“Sorry, sorry, but, I love you so much Atsu, I'm so sorry.”

“Dummy. You can't apologize for my dream.”

“I wish there was more I could do. I wish I was able to take some of the hurt away.”

Atsumu bumps their shoulders together, “You've already given me the world.”

…

They head back home so they have a few days to spend together before school resumes. It really was a good trip, despite the overwhelming emotions that came with it. Atsumu spent the last few nights on the top bunk which resulted in each of them getting a little bit better sleep. Once home Kiyoomi isn't sure what Atsumu will want to do, but they will figure it out. He knows.

After the drive they walk back in. They get the chance to smell what their home together is like through a fresh perspective. Is a soft smell, one that feels comforting. Kiyoomi goes into the bedroom and drops his bag on the floor. Home. He flops face down onto their big bed and groans. Hoooome. He feels Atsumu land beside him.

“God, we have got to get rid of that bunk bed if we ever stay there again.”

“Agreed.” Kiyoomi murmurs into the bedding. It also smells like them, like their home.

“I'm already feeling better,” Atsumu says, “I always forget how much it weighs on me there.”

Kiyoomi turns his head a little so he's not facing straight into the bed, “Thank you for inviting me.”

“God, it feels like I dragged you on a trip through hell. You cried more there than you ever have here with me.”

“I think I needed to, and I really enjoyed getting to know your family better.”

“Why don't you cry?” Atsumu has turned into his side to face him.

“I…I think it's a control thing. Plus I hate the feeling afterwards. So I accidentally push it all down until I explode…Why did you cry so quietly last time?”

Atsumu slides his pointer finger against the texture of the blanket, “It's how I always cried at home. I think…I think it was more teenage me crying, trying to keep quiet.”

“Thank you both for trusting me.”

Atsumu glances up to his face. His eyes are wide, searching. He blinks and looks down again. “When it wasn't physical it was still…hurtful. He always demanded so much of my time and attention. So much of what he wanted…was for me to describe things. He would get off on it.”

Atsumu sucks his top lip between his teeth, fingers still playing with a fold in the blanket, “I hold shame about that. I hold shame because…because it was easier to try and find it sexy too. It made it easier to…later do those things.”

Kiyoomi watches his face. He looks so tired and defeated.

“I feel ashamed that my body still reacts to things it shouldn't. When I am triggered or have a rape dream, I don't want to, but my body…I think about that time I sat on your lap in part one. I'm so glad you stopped me. I'm so glad you knew that something was wrong.” Atsumu pauses for a moment,“Sometimes I feel trapped in my body, I wish I could get out.” Atsumu whispers.

Of all the things Atsumu has described, that last bit is something Kiyoomi feels in his soul. He knows the agony of feeling trapped in your own body.

Kiyoomi turns onto his side, sliding a bent arm under his head, “Atsumu, my love, thank you for sharing. I love you. I love you so much.”

“Is it normal? Is it normal that my body does that?”

“Unfortunately yes. Many people who have been sexually assaulted find that their brains struggle with this. You're not alone. You're not bad.”

“Why?”

“In horrible situations the brain does what it can to survive. Sometimes that means developing a reaction that is really difficult later in life.”

“I hate it.”

Kiyoomi knows that this moment is actually incredible. Atsumu is starting to identify the issues instead of letting the shame make him hate himself. Hating that his body reacts due to a trauma response instead of just wanting to punish himself…is actually incredible. He is so proud of him. He feels his eyes swell. He is so proud of him.

“Omi why are you crying?”

Kiyoomi gives a small chuckle and uses his free hand to wipe away the tears, “You just don't even know what incredible work you have been doing all this time. You have been so brave and so strong. I am so proud of you Atsu. Future you is going to be so proud of you.”

That seems to get Atsumu and he tears up as well. “Don't just go saying that kind of stuff.”

“It's the truth. I'll check in with you in ten years and you'll agree.”

They both look at each other for a moment. Ten years. What the hell will their lives look like in ten years?

Atsumu reaches forward and pulls Kiyoomi’s hand to his chest. Kiyoomi can feel his steady heart beat. Atsumu lays his hands over Kiyoomi’s holding him in that spot. “I want us to be just like this in ten years. I want my heart to still be all yours in ten years.”

Kiyoomi in turn pulls Atsumu’s head forwards so that his ear can hear his heartbeat. “You've had mine all this time, and will forever.”

With a hand resting on Atsumu’s chest, and an ear against his own heart, they fall asleep.

Chapter Text

Kiyoomi and Atsumu walk through the quiet school complex towards the gym. It's the first day back from break. Those kids are going to be so well rested. When they round the corner nearly the whole team is waiting at the door. Atsumu whistles in surprise and overhand throws the keys to Shoma who unlocks the door.

Kiyoomi hangs back, looking over the sea of heads as they file into the gym. He counts quietly in his head…someone is missing. He walks in behind them, scanning the faces. It's Yuzu. He's not even technically late, everyone else was just eager and early. What's concerning is that usually he is one of the eager and early ones too.

Atsumu gets the boys going for practice. It's clear that all of them are excited and Kiyoomi hears mentions of using a local park to practice over break.

“Shoma, have you seen Yuzuru at all over break?”

Shoma pauses as he attaches the net at the marked height, “No coach, I figured he was out of town.”

“Alright, thanks.” Kiyoomi lets him continue and catches Atsumu's eye across the court. Atsumu tilts his head and makes a receiving motion with his arms. Kiyoomi shrugs back.

They stretch, run drills, and stretch again. Kiyoomi and Atsumu finally have a moment to themselves while Shoma leads their wind down stretches.

“No Yuzu, Shoma didn't seem him over break.”

“Hmm, we will have to see if he shows up to school.”

“Probably just travel.” Kiyoomi says

Atsumu glances at him and nods.

…

Yuzuru doesn't show up to school. They are nearly finished with pm practice when he finally arrives. He isn't in uniform and isn't in practice clothes either. The team greets him enthusiastically as they clean up.

“Coach, the washer is doing that thing again.” One of the freshmen tugs on Atsumu's sleeve to get his attention.

“Ah, someone probably messed with it over break. I'll work on it. You get going.”

“Do you want help?” Both Kiyoomi and Atsumu turn to see that it is Yuzu who has offered.

“Sure, I'm going to need the tools from the closet.”

“Okay coach.”

Kiyoomi is thankful that Yuzuru is back. He isn't quite sure what he had been worried for…kids go on trips and often miss the days before and after breaks.

Kiyoomi keeps the team cleaning up. He frankly has no clue how to fix a washing machine that is ‘doing that thing again’. After the last kid leaves he sits on the bench and scrolls on his phone. How does he already have so many unread work emails, it is only the first day back…

He works through them when Atsumu is suddenly back in the room, Yuzuru trailing behind him.

“Yuzuru I need you to sit down.”

Yuzuru looks pale, like he might throw up. He sits on the same bench as Kiyoomi, leaving several feet between them. Atsumu kneels onto the ground in front of Yuzuru.

“Yuzuru, you are not in trouble, but I need you to stay with Coach Sakusa until I come back.”

Atsumu turns towards Kiyoomi, “Don't let him leave.”

“O-okay, Atsu-”

“Just keep him here…please.”

Kiyoomi watches Atsumu stand and go back out.

Kiyoomi looks over to Yuzuru who has his face turned down, hands in fists on his knees. What the fuck happened?

“Yuzuru, are you okay?” his

“Fuck. He's going to go tell.”

“Tell what?”

Yuzuru stands, hands still clenched by sides. “It was stupid. I should go.”

“Wait, wait, you missed practice, let's just play a little and wait.”

Kiyoomi can tell that the idea is tempting. Kiyoomi never plays. “I'll spike to you.”

“That’s mean Coach.”

“Whatever Miya is doing, he's doing because we care about you.”

“He misunderstood, he's going to mess everything up.”

“Go grab a ball, and then you can tell me what he misunderstood.”

Yuzuru turns and jogs to the closet to fetch a volleyball. What the heck happened?

Yuzuru returns, glancing briefly at Kiyoomi’s face, ball pressed between his two hands.

“I can't jump anymore, so it will have to be standing spikes.”

“That's okay, I'm not sure I could handle your jump spike.”

Kiyoomi chuckles, “Maybe not back in the day, not yet anyways.”

Yuzuru underhand passes to Kiyoomi who bumps it back. Yuzuru sets it from the underhand position and Kiyoomi smiles, it's pretty good, he hits it hard, careful not to over extend anything and watches Yuzuru easily receive. The ball floats back towards him.

“You and Coach Miya are partners,” Yuzuru says, “You live together.”

“Yes,” Kiyoomi says carefully, setting it back to Yuzuru.

“Is he going to tell you?”

Kiyoomi ponders this as the ball is sent for him. He spikes it directly to Yuzuru who truly makes this look easy. “Depends on what it is. We don't really keep secrets unless it is needed.”

This is always the hard part. If you ask right now the chances of a kid shutting down and putting up walls is so high. As the adult you desperately want to know, but you have to give them the space to do it in their own time.

“I found his video.”

Kiyoomi hesitates a second too long and the ball is hit slightly off. Yuzuru goes after it and still manages to set it.

“What did you think of the video?” They continue hitting back and forth, Yuzuru catches every single spike, even the bad ones.

“I thought…that he's really brave.”

“He is, but it was also incredibly hard for him to make that video. It wasn't easy to share his story.”

“You were there?”

“I was there for a lot of it, yes.”

“Were you partners then?”

“Yes, for a while.”

“Do you love him?”

“I do.”

Yuzuru grabs the ball instead of playing it. “Coach Miya is so normal.”

Kiyoomi takes a moment to think about how he wants to respond. What is the truth beneath the thread of their conversation?

“People can have good lives, even after terrible things happen.”

Yuzuru looks down, bouncing the ball against the hardwood floor, “He tried to kill himself.”

“I didn't let him.” Yuzuru’s head snaps up and they look into each other's eyes.

“We can help you.” Kiyoomi says gently.

Yuzuru holds the ball, hands pushing hard from either side.

…

Atsumu is lying on his back, body wedged between the washing machine and the wall. Whenever it leaks it freaks the kids out. He uses his phone flashlight to look at the connections behind the machine.

There is indeed a spot that is dripping when it shouldn't be. He reaches back to feel the connection. It is wet but not obviously loose.

“Coach Miya?”

“Yup” he calls out, voice warped by the tight spot he is in. He hates doing this but is way faster than putting in a maintenance request.

“Can you pass me a medium-ish wrench? I'm not sure what size I need.”

“Sure, one second.”

Atsumu hears some metal clanking in the tool box and then sees a gray wrench thrust into the tight opening between them.

“Thanks, did you go on a trip?”

“What? Oh, no, I stayed home for the holiday.”

“Oh, is everything okay? We were surprised to see you weren't in school. Need a little smaller please.” Atsumu hands the wrench back and waits for another to be put in his hand.

“Coach Miya, why did you try to die?”

Atsumu’s hands freeze and he puts the wrench down, leaning his forehead against the cold metal of the washer. He had figured this might happen eventually, “I was a lot younger and I went through a lot as a kid.” He picks the wrench back up and sees if it fits against the bolt, “I felt so hopeless for a moment and I made a really bad decision. I am so lucky I wasn't successful. Still need a little smaller please.”

He hands it back out, unable to see Yuzuru’s face. “Why do you ask?”

A new wrench is handed to him.

“I saw your scar and over break I saw your video from when you were younger.”

Atsumu swallows and tries this wrench, it fits, “So you already know then.”

“I guess.”

“Is there something you want to know?” Atsumu asks, tightening the bolt.

…

“Is there something you want to know?” He asks, voice tinny from bouncing up the side of the washing machine. Yuzuru is sitting on the floor, tool box open in front of him. What doesn't he want to know?
Why did it start?
What happened?
How did he finally get it to stop?
What were the pictures he mentioned?
How did he become okay?

Yuzuru knows that this line of questions is dangerous, that it will lead to suspicious questions. Questions that he can't truthfully answer without everything falling apart.

“Yuzuru? You still in here?”

“Yes coach, is that wrench good?”

“Yup…” he hears Coach Miya strain for a moment, “Can you start the cycle? I want to see if it's still leaking.”

“Sure.” He stands and turns the knob to start the machine. They both listen to it turn a few times before water starts to rush into the drum. “Looks alright, cancel it, let's see if the drain is leaking.”

Yuzuru turns the dial again and they listen to the water trickle out of the machine.

“All good. Can you help me out?”

Yuzuru steps to the crevice that his coach has shoved himself into. His hand is raised, the start of a long scar visible under the edge of his long sleeve. Yuzuru reaches down to grasp his hand and helps to pull him out.

Coach lets out a big breath once he is free from the wall and the machine, “Phew, thanks. Lets get that load going.”

Miya stays sitting while Yuzuru turns the dial again.

“Hey kiddo, sit down, I have a feeling there is more you want to ask.”

“No it's okay, I'm sure Coach is waiting for you anyways.”

Miya stays sitting and when Yuzuru glances at him he sees ‘that’ face. That ‘you're not getting away with this and I'm more stubborn than you face.’

He sits leaning against the wall and pulls his legs up to his chest.

“You can ask, if it's too personal I don't have to answer, but you can ask.”

Yuzuru feels really weird. He feels like he is getting dragged down with how his coach is looking at him.

Yuzuru braces his hands around his bent knees, “You're so strong, it's hard to imagine anybody could hurt you.”

His coach nods,”I was physically strong but mentally vulnerable.”

“What do you mean?”

Miya looks down for a moment, “Well, I was suicidal even before I was assaulted. I think I was desperate for help, and someone took advantage of that, and used threats and blackmail to manipulate me.”

“Why were you suicidal?”

“Honestly, Yuzu, I'm not exactly sure.”

Something hurts in his chest when he hears the nickname. It's not uncommon for his coaches, teachers and other classmates to use it, but in this environment…he pretends that it's special, that it means something.

“In your video, you said it happened again.”

“Yes.” His coach pauses, drumming his fingers on his leg, “He was persistent.”

“Your coach.” Yuzuru says.

“Yes.” Miya says quietly.

“Did he love you?”

His coach stares at him for a long time. Yuzuru looks away, focusing instead of the sound of the spinning washing machine.

“Yuzuru, why do you ask that?”

“Just…” actually Yuzuru doesn't have a good answer for why he asked that. He realizes that it was actually a crazy fucking thing to ask. Why the fuck did he just ask if the person who hurt him loved him?

Yuzuru tries again, “I don't know, forget it.” He can tell that Miya is still looking at him with those focused eyes. The same eyes that watch the court like a hawk, paying attention to each of their steps and movements.

“Yuzuru…did somebody say that to you and…did somebody hurt you?”

“No, nothing like that Sensei, really forget it, I was just being dumb.” He starts to stand, ignoring the pain in his ribs.

“Yuzuru.” The voice - the voice he has listened to bark and yell for years, is now so gentle. He…he wants so badly to…he wants to…he looks down to where Miya is still sitting. It looks like he is about to cry. Yuzuru turns away, glaring at the wall. He can't.

“Yuzuru, he didn't love me, but he told me he did.”

Yuzuru bites his lip. He can't. He can't.

“He told me it over and over again so that I wouldn't tell.”

Yuzuru feels his own eyes water, the muscles so tense in his body he might explode.

“He said so many things to convince me not to tell, but it was wrong, he knew it was wrong, that's why he lied.

“That's not true.” The words leave his mouth before he can stop them.

He hears Miya suck in a shaking breath, “I know it doesn't feel true now. It doesn't feel true when you are in the middle of it.”

“I'm not in the middle of anything.” Yuzuru needs to leave. He starts walking towards the door. It might already be too late, but he needs to leave before it really really becomes too late.

“They don't love you.”

Yuzuru feels a rage light inside of himself. He whirls around to see his coach just fucking standing there, saying these fucking things which he knows nothing about.

“What would you know? You must have liked it if you let him do it again.”

He watches the jaw of his coach clench, facial muscle pushing against his skin.

“You are probably just a slut, a dirty slut that needed to be shown his-” Yuzuru isn't sure when he wound up sitting on the floor again, but here he is, he breathes heavy, he's losing it, he's fucking up.

He sees his coach crouch down too. “Yuzu, I already know, tell me who and I'll make sure they never hurt you again.”

“I don't know what you're talking about.” The words come out way calmer than he actually feels. Get to the door. Just get to the door, and this can all be fixed.

“Yuzuru, please, please tell me.”

He knows it's a terrible idea, he knows it will be the end, but he looks up anyway, into his favorite person’s face and sees the grief there. The grief for him. He loses.

“My stepdad.” He lost.

“Okay Yuzu, okay, we are going to take care of you, come on, stand up, we have to go get Omi.”

Yuzuru follow’s Miya’s back in a daze, he fucked up, he really fucked up.

…

“I said some really terrible things to Coach Miya.” Sakusa stands before Yuzuru, waiting for the ball in his hands.

“Coach Miya can handle it, don't worry.”

“I didn't mean to say those things.”

“I'm sure he knows that.” Sakusa reassures.

“Coach?”

“Yes?”

“What is Coach Miya doing?”

“I don't know. It depends on what you guys talked about.”

Yuzuru suddenly feels weak. What he did, the hugeness of what he just did…

“Sit, I don't want you to fall, Yuzu.”

Again, that nickname. He sits. He is going to be in so much trouble. His bruised ribs ache just at the thought.

He is still holding onto the ball. “I told him about my stepdad.”

Sakusa’s voice is so quiet when he says, “Pass it while you talk.” Yuzuru does, almost like his body is on autopilot.

“When I go home he's going to kill me.”

“Does he often hurt you?”

“Sometimes, when he's drunk.”

“What does he do?”

“He…” Yuzuru passes the ball. He can't. Maybe if he stops here it will all blow over. Maybe he can just be punished and that will be it.

“Yuzuru, there is no way Miya is going to let you get hurt again.”

Miya can't stop him. Miya can't stop him when his own mom couldn't. When his own mom found them. When his own mom let him keep going. Nobody can stop him.

The gym door opens again and there Miya is, sweaty from running. “Good, thank God, Omi, we gotta talk.”

“One minute,” Sakusa says to Yuzuru and stands up to join Coach Miya.

Yuzuru watches the two of them talk with hushed voices. They are facing partly away from him. Now would be the time to sneak out. He starts to stand and Miya just holds up a hand, telling him to stop. Jesus, he sees everything.

He watches Sakusa nod several times in a row. Finally both turn towards Yuzuru. He feels scared.

They approach and sit on the ground nearby.

“Yuzuru,” Coach Miya speaks first. “I spoke with several people just now, and until we know more about the situation you will not be going home.”

“What? Where will I go?”

Sakusa speaks next, “You will stay with us, for a short time, until your home is safe.”

With…them? The two people who he always secretly wished could be his dad instead of…

“Why?” He asks.

“If you are uncomfortable with that, we can find an alternative.” Sakusa says, his voice even and calm.

“No, it's fine, but…why, why would you do that?”

The two men look at each other for a moment, like they can speak without even talking.

Miya translates for Yuzuru who can't hear their secret conversation, “We both needed help at your age, we both needed saving, but there was nobody there. We care about you Yuzu, we know how much it hurts to be alone. We aren't going to let you be alone.”

It's dumb. They are being dumb. He's crying, thinking about how dumb they are.

“Is it even allowed? Are you allowed to do this?”

“Let us worry about that, let the adults worry about adult things.” Sakusa says gently.

They are idiots. Truly idiots. Thank God they are idiots.

…

Atsumu and Kiyoomi sit side by side in the packed court side seating. “Jesus, remember how nerve wracking the debut is?”

Kiyoomi nods, “He’s going to be great.”

“Don't have to tell me.” Atsumu retorts, eyes trained on the hallway that will lead the team out onto the court.

Kiyoomi grabs his hand, thumb brushing over the warm metal on his finger.

Hinata Shoyo is the first to enter, arms raised, his hollar can be heard from the stands. The crowd cheers, he is beloved in the Black Jackals fan community. After him the rest of the team jogs out to pleasant fanfare. When they spot him they both stand and scream, “Good Luck Yuzuru!”

He glances over to them and smiles shyly before Shoyo claps him roughly on the back, letting his head fall back with a laugh.

Shoyo rights himself and gives Atsumu and Kiyoomi a thumbs up.

“Oh, do you know the captain?” A nearby fan asks Atsumu.

“We do, and the one in the alternate jersey, the libero, he's our son.”

Kiyoomi doesn't think he has ever seen Atsumu smile brighter.

Chapter Text

The car door closes with a snap, “Bye!”

“Have fun, we will pick you up in the afternoon tomorrow.” Kiyoomi says out of the driver side window.

“Okay!” Yuzuru turns and jogs up to Shoma’s front door. One of the underclassmen lets him in, and then the door closes.

The plan of keeping Yuzu for a short time, turned into a longer time. When Atsumu found out that Yuzuru’s mom had known…had seen…and hadn't done anything, he fought like hell to make sure the kid didn't go back.

It was strange at first, having a teen sleeping on their couch, but before long it became routine. They would sit after dinner and all do work together. They would both try and ultimately fail to help him with math. The school realized that it was an extreme circumstance, but as long as the state was okay with Yuzuru's placement the school was fine with it.

This was the first time that Kiyoomi and Atsumu were going to have the house to themselves in many weeks. It would be wrong on so many levels to try and do anything with their student in their house, even kissing in bed feels unethical.

Thank God the boys arranged a sleep over night. “Omi, take us home.”

Kiyoomi smirks at his whine, “Turn your ringer on, if he wants to come home we need to know.”

“On it.” Atsumu pulls out his phone and makes sure that his phone will ring if Yuzuru calls or texts, “I'm getting really used to having him.”

Kiyoomi nods, “It is going to be terrible if they decide to give him a new placement before he is 18.”

That's a whole year away. “Kiyoomi, we haven't talked about his situation, because we are always either at school or home with him…”

Kiyoomi continues to drive, taking them down back roads to get home.

“I don't want him to go anywhere else.” Atsumu says quietly.

Kiyoomi lets out a sigh, like he feels relieved, “I was thinking the same. Atsumu, I bet this is never how you saw yourself having a kid…but…”

Atsumu swallows, eyes watching the road in front of them. “It's not how I imagined it, but I think it might be what me and him both need.”

Kiyoomi nods, “I had already started to look into the adoption process. We can't both adopt him, because of the laws, I think you should, if you want to.”

Atsumu’s heart feels overwhelmed, Kiyoomi already looked into it.

“I do. I want him to always have a safe place to go, no matter what. We need to make sure it's what he wants too though.”

“We can talk to him and start the paperwork at school on Monday.”

“Omi, thank you.”

“Don't know why you're thanking me.”

“For everything. All of it. Every moment.”

Kiyoomi is quiet for a bit, “Then thank you too.”

They drive along quietly together, most likely both thinking about the fact that they might soon permanently have a kid that lives with them.

“So,” Atsumu breaks the silence, “I am very interested in taking advantage of an empty house.”

He watches Kiyoomi glance over quickly, not one to take his eyes off the road, “Anything in particular?”

Atsumu taps his chin, drawing out the theatrics, “Oh, I had been considering making good on my promise.”

“Your promise?”

“Yeah, to fuck you so slowly you beg.”

Atsumu watches long fingers clench around the steering wheel as Kiyoomi turns onto their street.

“I don't think it was ever a promise.” Kiyoomi says tensely.

Atsumu rolls his eyes, “Don't have to if you don't want to Omi.”

“No, no it's not that, I want to, I want you to, really.” Kiyoomi pulls into their driveway and puts the car in park. “Just want to be clear that I never thought it was a promise or expected.” He looks over to see Kiyoomi’s flustered face, slightly pink.

Atsumu unbuckles and climbs over the center console to sit in Kiyoomi’s lap. It's tight, he has to bend his neck to not hit the roof. “Woah, hey-”

Atsumu brushes his lips against Kiyoomi’s neck, “Dont worry, I'm not planning on doing anything here.”

“Just, Atsu, we have neighbors-”

Atsumu reaches his hand down between the seat and the door, fingers pulling on the lever that releases the backrest. Kiyoomi yelps as the chair falls out from under him. Atsumu adjusts to hover over top of him. Now Kiyoomi’s face is decently pink, “Do you want me to stop?” He asks, hands flat on Kiyoomi’s chest.

“No, I want you to take me inside, where we have a bed.”

“This is part of it, making you wait, making you want it,” Atsumu’s voice is low, “I want to sit here, move my ass against you, and whisper in your ear what I want to do to you. Then I'll take you inside, if you ask nicely.”

Kiyoomi’s pupils are blown out as he watches. Atsumu can feel his chest take deeper breaths under his fingers.

‘Yeah, Atsu, yes.” Perfect.

Atsumu grinds down as he leans to put his mouth against Kiyoomi’s neck. He feels Kiyoomi twitch a little under him and Atsumu realizes that he is still buckled in. Even better. He gives a few kisses to the pale neck under his lips and then whispers,

“I'm going to sit here, and grind against you until you're nice and hard,” he moves his hips, feeling that Kiyoomi is already getting there.

“And when it seems like you're about to get too excited, I'm going to stop, and wait for you to ask me to bring you in and fuck you.” Atsumu keeps his hips moving, mouth kissing and licking in between words, his ears attuned to the needy noises Kiyoomi is making.

“Once inside, I'm going to have you fetch that toy that you have stashed in the closet.” Kiyoomi whines, hands reaching to hold onto Atsumu’s hips. “You have such a pretty one, all pink and blue, like cotton candy, it's going to look so good going into you.” He pushes down onto the fully hard dick under him and licks up the length of Kiyoomi’s neck.

“Atsu, god, hurry, I want to go inside.”

“But I haven't even told you how I'm going to get you ready to take such a pretty dick.”

Kiyoomi arches under him and gasps out.
“Atsumu, please take me inside, please take me in and do all of this to me.”

“That was fast,” Atsumu remarks, lips coming to mouth against his ear. He pulls back and looks down at the man below him, his eyes are heavy, cheeks bright. “Is there more we need to discuss, before I actually do this?”

“Um,” Kiyoomi’s eyebrows pinch together as he tries to think, “It's been a long time, please go slow, and everything needs to be washed beforehand.”

“Obviously,” Atsumu says, fingers moving up and down against the front of his shirt over his chest.

“Anything else?” He asks.

“God, uh, can I touch you?”

“I was planning to keep my clothes on, so you can touch me anywhere but the underwear area.”

“Kissing?” Kiyoomi asks.

“Kissing is good.” Atsumu says.

“Okay, please take me inside.”

Atsumu leans down to kiss his lips, “Okay Omi.”

Atsumu plops back into the passenger seat and laughs when he sees Kiyoomi continue to lay in his chair, breathing heavily. Atsumu climbs out of the car and comes around to Kiyoomi’s side, he opens the door and presses the release for the seat belt, “Come on Omi.”

“Yeah, okay.” Kiyoomi looks down to where he is tented in his pants. “I swear if any of the neighbors see me I'm going to kill you.”

“Relax Omi, come on.”

“Fine, but I'm walking behind you.”

“Okay.” Atsumu leads them up to the front door. He's excited. He's so excited. He could really feel Kiyoomi hard under him in the car just now…soon he’a going to have Omi naked. Atsumu lets Kiyoomi enter first, he walks in behind him and is surprised when hands grab onto his shoulders to pull him more quickly into the house. Kiyoomi kicks the door closed and presses his own back up against it, keeping Atsumu right up against him. Atsumu’s mouth is captured in a kiss. His stomach flips with how urgent Kiyoomi is. A hand cradles the back of his head, another around his lower back.

“Omi,” he whines into the mouth that is hot against him.

“Fuck baby,” he groans back, “I already want to beg.”

Ataumu pulls away, he feels like he is going to get carried away if he stays up against Kiyoomi like this, he's already hard and there is no plan to relieve that anytime soon.

He grabs onto Kiyoomi’s shirt and pulls him away from the door, “Let's get things washed.”

Atsumu watches Kiyoomi bend over to dig through the boxes in the closet. He may or may not be staring at the ass he is about to get to play with. “Do you want any condoms while we are in here?” Kiyoomi asks, head still tucked away. “Depends on if you do, I was planning on washing my hands really good but using a condom over them is an option too.”

“As long as I see you wash them it should not be a problem.” Kiyoomi pivots from the closet, pretty pink and blue dildo in hand. It's honestly about the size of Atsumu, maybe a little thinner.

Atsumu smiles and accompanies Kiyoomi into the bathroom. They wash the dildo first, Atsumu watches Kiyoomi lather soap in his hand before he starts to stroke the suds over the piece. It is honestly so hot to watch, even though Kiyoomi isn't trying to make a show of it. Just the sight of those long fingers sliding over it, working diligently to make sure everything is clean. Maybe someday he will do the same to Atsumu, work his hands over him like that.

“Okay, we can let that dry,” Kiyoomi places the toy onto a clean towel nearby, “Hands next?”

Atsumu comes over to wash his hands and is surprised when Kiyoomi doesn't move over for him. He looks at Kiyoomi’s face in the mirror, he is biting on his lip but not in a sexy way. “Everything okay?”

“Do you mind if I help you?”

“Not at all, go ahead.” Atsumu presents his hands and lets Kiyoomi move him around. Kiyoomi puts soap into his own hands and puts all of them under the water. It's on the hot side, but not as hot as Kiyoomi usually does things.

Kiyoomi works on his palms first, scrubbing the soap into his skin carefully. It is surprisingly intimate having Kiyoomi wash his hands like this. “Is it too hot?” Kiyoomi asks.

“No it's good, you can go a little hotter if you want.” Kiyoomi doesn't adjust the temperature, instead gathering more soap and using his forefinger and thumb to start washing individual fingers. Again, the motion is quite suggestive and Atsumu feels himself blush.

“Kiyoomi, I forgot to ask about something, is now a good time?”

“Yeah, what's up?” Kiyoomi continues to wash him, paying attention to his nails.

“I want you to be able to cum.”

Kiyoomi’s fingers only hesitate for a moment before the continue, “To be honest I haven't been able to cum from just anal before, but if I was ever going to, it would be with you.”

Atsumu watches their hands wash together, “I don't want to put that pressure on you, would you want me to touch you, since we know you can finish that way?”

Kiyoomi chuckles, using his thumbs to rub Atsumu's skin clean, “I'm definitely okay with you touching me, I am kind of curious if I could cum without it though.”

“I'll wait till you ask for it then.” Atsumu says.

Kiyoomi brings both of their hands under the water and rinses them both off.

“Can we each check in?” Kiyoomi asks, handing him a new towel to dry off with.

Atsumu closes his eyes and tries to feel his own feelings. He is anxious, but it is an excited anxious. He wants this, he wants to find out how Kiyoomi reacts to being pleasured like this. He wants to bring him to the edge and listen to his moans, he wants to know what it feels like to be the one making Kiyoomi feel so good. He also feels good that they are doing everything this way, with the dildo. This isn't about him, he doesn't have to worry about anything with himself.

He opens his eyes to see Kiyoomi gazing back at him, “I really want to do this with you.”

Kiyoomi smiles, “I haven't stopped thinking about this since you first whispered it in my ear.”

“Omi, that was months ago!”

Kiyoomi just shrugs, “I'm going to go grab some wipes for after.”

“Okay Omi, I'll bring this in.” He grabs the dildo, keeping the towel around it and brings it into the bedroom. He sets it on the bed and changes into more relaxed clothing, a plain T-shirt and sweatpants. He makes sure his phone is set to sound if Yuzu calls and puts it face down on the side table. Hands settle on his hips and he jumps a little, “Sorry,” Kiyoomi murmurs, chin resting on his shoulder, “I didn't mean to surprise you.”

“You're just so damn quiet” Atsumu says, tilting his head back against the taller man’s shoulder.

“You feeling ready?” Kiyoomi whispers.

“Yes, can I undress you?”

“Sure.”

Atsumu points to the bed and Kiyoomi sits towards the middle.

Atsumu climbs on too, hands grabbing onto the hem of Omi’s shirt to pull it over his head, “If anything hurts after I will rub you.”

“Thanks,” Kiyoomi responds as the shirt is lifted off of him. Atsumu is close to him, enjoying the intimate feeling of undressing him. He slides a hand up Kiyoomi’s stomach and chest.

“Lay back?” Atsumu whispers and Kiyoomi lowers himself onto the bed. Atsumu remains sitting eyes looking up Kiyoomi’s body, the contrast of light skin against black pants. He undoes the button at the top of the pants and slides the zipper down, the sound feeling loud in the otherwise quiet room. Atsumu looks up to Kiyoomi’s face, hands still on the waistband of his pants. “Are you nervous?” Atsumu asks, “No,” comes the quick response.

“Can I start?” Atsumu asks, hands still resting.

“Honestly Atsumu, I want you to start and just keep going. If I need anything I will speak up.”

Atsumu can do that. He lowers his head and kisses Kiyoomi’s stomach, right above where his hands hold the edge of his pants. He nips over Kiyoomi’s hip bone, enjoying the way Kiyoomi’s hips twitch a little “Ah, ticklish.” Kiyoomi whispers.

Atsumu gives him a break and instead starts to pull down his pants. Kiyoomi lifts his hips and the fabric slides down to his thighs. Atsumu leaves his underwear on for now and ducks his head down to kiss Kiyoomi’s thigh. He sucks a mark onto the sensitive skin as his hands continue to pull the fabric down to his knees.

“Ah, Atsu-”

Atsumu smiles and leans back far enough to pull the pants all the way off, taking care to disentangle Kiyoomi’s feet from the cloth. Once fully freed Atsumu positions himself in between those thighs dotted with dark moles. He looks up to see Kiyoomi, nearly naked, legs parted for him, a hardness arching in his briefs, face rosy with blush. Fuck. Atsumu has honestly been waiting to get his mouth on this skin. He grabs a thigh, propping it up and brings his lips to the inner leg. He licks and kisses, delighting in the little sounds he hears from above. He moves higher, knowing that Kiyoomi is likely even more sensitive there. He licks and then latches on, sucking hard, feeling Kiyoomi’s soft skin between his open teeth. A frantic hand grabs onto his shoulder, “Oh God, Atsu- your mouth-” Atsumu releases and looks down, watching the pink spot that will likely bloom a lovely shade of purple. He rubs his thumb over the skin there, feeling how it is slick with his own spit and warm from his mouth.

“Is having my mouth in-between your legs getting you thinking?” He asks as he lowers his lips to the other thigh, nipping at the skin right below his underwear. Kiyoomi’s hand slides into his hair, brushing his bangs from his forehead, oh, Kiyoomi wants to watch. Atsumu looks up, eyes raised to his eyebrows and sees that Kiyoomi has propped himself up partially on an elbow so that he can watch Atsumu's mouth on his thigh. Atsumu bites down gently, remembering how Kiyoomi responded when he lightly bit his nipple. He feels the hand against his hair flex but it never grabs, “Auuuaah” Kiyoomi moans breathily.

“Atsu, Atsu, there is no way I'm going to make it very long before I beg.”

Atsumu releases the flesh from his mouth and looks between the two marks, the first one already darkening beautifully.

He slides his hands up to Kiyoomi’s upper thighs and gives a squeeze, loving how his skin yields under his hands. “How do you want to lay for my fingers?”

Kiyoomi collapses his bent arm, laying flat back. He bends his legs up towards his chest, “Can we do this? I want to be able to see you.” Atsumu shouldn't feel so touched that Kiyoomi wants to see him, but he does. “Sure thing Omi,” Atsumu reaches back and digs into their nightstand for the lube. He finds the bottle and turns back to Kiyoomi. God why is Kiyoomi so hot? His skin looks gorgeous flushed pink, dark moles dotting all the way up.

“I'm going to take these off now,” Atsumu says as he fingers the elastic waistband hugging Kiyoomi’s hips. Omi nods, eyes watching Atsumu’s fingers.

Atsumu slides his fingers under the fabric on either side and starts to pull downwards. The cloth slides easily over his backside but gets a bit caught on the front, due to his very present erection. Atsumu tugs a little more and it comes free all at once, causing Kiyoomi’s hardness to spring up hitting him in the stomach.

“Did you do that on purpose?” Kiyoomi asks, covering his eyes with his arm.

Atsumu licks his lips as he looks down onto Kiyoomi. It's the first time he has seen him like this. He's really decently sized, and everything is so clean and tidy. Atsumu feels his mouth water a little as he thinks about wrapping his lips around the leaking head, “You're staring” Kiyoomi whispers, one eye uncovered.

Atsumu breaks his focus and starts to help him remove the underwear completely. “Just hard to believe you're literally pretty everywhere.” Atsumu says, tossing the last garment to the floor.

“You are ridiculous.” Kiyoomi retorts.

He's shy, Atsumu thinks, as he runs a reassuring hand up the outside of his legs. Atsumu ignores the hard cock right in front of him and bows his head to kiss Kiyoomi’s chest. He is planted in between Kiyoomi’s naked bent legs, still wearing all of his clothes. He slides his lips around one of Kiyoomi’s nipples, able to feel the moment the chest under him expands with an inhale. He has one hand braced on Omi's leg, keeping it bent, he allows the other one to wander down to his ass. Atsumu grabs a cheek in his hand and squeezes, groaning as he does, fuck, so many years he has thought about this ass. He pulls the nipple into his mouth, sucking lightly and grabs again, fingertips digging into the soft flesh.

Kiyoomi arches further, bending himself more, giving Atsumu more. He releases his grip and slides his fingers along the crack, pausing for a moment at Kiyoomi entrance. He uses his middle finger to spread him open a little, just as he lightly bites down on the nipple in his mouth. The reaction is beautiful.

Kiyoomi’s back arches and he lets out a wonderfully needy sound, “Atsu, baby…”
That's better, Atsumu thinks, don't be shy. He leans back and uncaps the lube, putting a small amount on his fingertips. We are going to start so fucking slow. He warms the lube for a moment, rubbing his thumb over the liquid. He looks up to see Kiyoomi watching him, mouth partially parted, eyes so heavily lidded. Kiyoomi grabs onto his own legs and pulls them to his chest. Atsumu is going to die.

Atsumu leans back over him, fitting in-between his legs to give attention to the other nipple. He hovers over it for a moment, doing the same with his fingers over Kiyoomi’s entrance. He can hear the shaking breaths that Kiyoomi is taking as he waits. Atsumu looks up, sticks out his tongue and uses the tip to flick against the nipple while he does a similar moment with his fingers on Kiyoomi’s sensitive rim.

The legs on either side of him twitch, “I'm going to die,” Kiyoomi says lost for breath, “You're going to kill me.”

Atsumu uses the flat of his tongue to lick over the pert nipple while he runs his finger along the soft hole he is soon going to be entering. Atsumu feels hot, red hot. He is so hard in his pants, he wants to rut up against Kiyoomi’s leg, show him how hard he is from just touching him. “Fuck Omi,” he breaths against his chest, fingers sliding against him, playing with him.

Omi shifts his hips back onto Atsumu’s fingers and his brain genuinely stalls for a moment. Could he get Omi to start fucking himself on the dildo like this? He lowers his forehead onto Kiyoomi’s chest, brain overrun with images, images he might soon really fucking see.

“Omi,” he gasps as Kiyoomi rocks his hips back again. Kiyoomi lets out a whine and then says, “You haven't made me beg yet.”

Fuck.

Atsumu raises his head, catching Kiyoomi’s hazy eyes and slides the tip of his first finger in. He's going to need more lube to do anything more, but he gets to watch the moment he enters, even that little bit. Omi’s mouth falls open a little further, their eyes still locked, and he makes a quiet, “hah” sound in his throat.

Atsumu suddenly feels overwhelmed, staring into those dark eyes. You're mine, there isn't anybody else who will have you like this, you're mine and I'm yours. He leans all the way forwards, having to push Kiyoomi’s legs out of the way a little to capture his mouth. He still has just the tip of a finger playing with Kiyoomi, sliding in and out slowly as he licks into his love’s mouth. Mine. Yours. Ours.

Kiyoomi wraps his calves around Atsumu’s back, locking them together to kiss. Kiyoomi moans deeply into his mouth and Atsumu can feel his rim clench around the single finger. His own cock is lying hot and heavy in his pants, right above Kiyoomi’s naked one. Kiyoomi greedily kisses him, letting moans and groans fall into Atsumu's mouth. It's hot. It's so fucking hot.

“Omi, ah God Omi, I wanna keep going,”

Kiyoomi shifts his legs back to the side but keeps kissing him. When Atsumu tries to pull away he feels hands braced gently on his back, not quite holding him, but insistent enough to keep him a moment longer. He bites onto Kiyoomi’s bottom lip and tugs gently. He pulls back and looks down at the brilliantly pink flushed face below him. He kisses Kiyoomi’s forehead moles and sits all the way back. He takes the lube into his hand and glances up. Kiyoomi nods quickly.

He pours more onto his fingers, keeping his left hand clean. He rubs his fingers together as he gently caresses the leg his clean hand can reach.

“Omi, ya ready?”

“Yes,” Kiyoomi rests back, using his hand hold on his thighs to stay bent. God it shouldn't be so hot to see him like this, holding himself open for Atsumu.

Atsumu keeps his eyes trained on Kiyoomi’s face, wanting to know every little thing he is feeling. He pushes one finger in, slowly, giving him time to adjust as they go. Kiyoomi closes his eyes and leans his head back, mouth open slightly, face relaxed.

It may have been a while, but he still knows how to do this. He slides out and then back in, slowly, angling his finger upwards, “ohh,” Atsumu watches Kiyoomi’s eyebrows raise up as his back arches further. Atsumu pulls his finger all the way out, waiting a moment for Kiyoomi to meet his gaze before he pushes back in, at the same angle. “Fuck,” It comes out like a croak.

Again Kiyoomi is writhing backwards, trying to push onto Atsumu’s hand. It's maddening. He pulls out, heart hammering in his chest, he pushes the second finger up to the hole and feels how Kiyoomi is clenching. Oh baby, you don't even know how good you look. Atsumu has the urge to bite, to devour, to consume…he wonders if Kiyoomi would ever let him eat him out…chin shoved between those pert cheeks. He pushes the second finger in slowly, feeling the slight resistance against the movement. “Atsu - ah - I miss you,”

Atsumu’s two fingers are fully seated inside of him. He holds still, “You miss me?”

“Yeah, want to be closer,”

Atsumu swears to God he feels Kiyoomi clench around him when he says that. He stays seated inside the other man and groans at the feeling, “Just a little more Omi, then I have an idea.”

Kiyoomi looks at him and nods, eyes glassy, body so beautifully flushed. Atsumu moves a little more quickly, trying to get Omi ready. He leans down to mouth at the thigh in front of him again, appreciating the dark marks he had already left. Kiyoomi moans and pulls his legs a little further apart. Atsumu teases a third finger when he pulls back and he hears Kiyoomi say, “Yes, yes, yes pl-” he cuts himself off before he manages to say please.

Atsumu adds a little more lube and starts to work the third in. Kiyoomi groans and pushes his head back into the bed. Atsumu imagines it's a little less comfortable than the other two were. He pulls back out and teases just the tips of his fingers in while he sucks on the skin so dangerously close to everything “Ah. Ah, God, Baby,”

Atsumu tries again, pressing in slowly and Kiyoomi lets out a gasp. Atsumu has his eyes trained upwards and he certainly doesn't miss the twitch of Kiyoomi’s cock. Oh Lord. It gives another jump, lifting momentarily off of his stomach. It's begging all on its own. Atsumu slides three fingers in smoothly, making sure to angle his hand to apply pressure to Kiyoomi’s prostate. Kiyoomi is actively pushing his hips down, trying to get more faster.

Atsumu uses his dry hand to grab a hold of a gorgeous leg and still his motions. He waits until Kiyoomi opens his eyes and then pulls out, devastatingly slow. “Atsu…” Kiyoomi whines.

“Omi, I love ya, I'm going to make you beg now.”

“God, already ready, I'll beg. I'll ask you so nice.” Kiyoomi is babbling and departing from proper grammar. Perfect.

Atsumu frees his slick fingers completely, relishing the gasp he hears once Omi is empty.

“You rest a minute Omi, I'll get ready.”

Kiyoomi gives him an odd look for a moment but then closes his eyes, chest heaving, cock still laying hard against himself.

Atsumu takes the cotton candy dildo and pushes it past his own waistband into his underwear. He has to fight for space with his own hard dick, but manages to guide the head through so that it comes out of the slit opening in the underwear. The base of the dildo happens to be flat, thank God, and can rest right above his own cock that is pushed to the side. He then gets it through the light sweatpants he has on. It leaves him with a makeshift harness, he will likely have to hold onto it a little to keep everything straight, but he did promise Omi a good beg-worthy fuck. He gives a single tap to Kiyoomi’s leg and he opens his eyes, “Oh,” he says, eyes trained on the dildo coming out of Atsumu’s pants.

“I figured we could be close this way, be able to do more natural positions without having to worry about reaching around and all that.” It fully takes him by surprise when Kiyoomi starts to rub at his eyes.

“Eh Omi? We don't have to!” Atsumu starts to try and pull the dildo back out when Kiyoomi stops his hands with his own.

“Oh baby, no, I'm happy, I'm feeling so loved.” Kiyoomi is looking up at him, eyes wet but a genuine smile on his face, “I love you. Thank you.” Kiyoomi whispers, a few tears making their way down the curve of his face. “Please keep going.” Kiyoomi requests earnestly.

Atsumu watches him for a moment, wanting to make sure the tears are okay. “How is this position?”

“Good, I want to stay face to face.”

“Alright, let's prop you up.” Atsumu leans over for some pillows and helps Kiyoomi put them under his hips. Omi settles into the new angle and lets his legs out straight for a moment, he groans as the muscles shift. Atsumu runs his clean hand up the thighs that box him in, sliding over sharp hip bones. “Omi, don't push your body too hard.”

“I'm good, just needed a stretch.” Kiyoomi collects his legs again, bending himself back. Propped up on the pillows, it truly is a sight, him all spread like that, waiting for Atsumu.

Atsumu sits on his heels and takes the lube in his hand. He pours some onto his already messy hand. He holds the base of the dildo in place and covers himself in lube. He looks up to see that Omi is watching, God he's always watching. Atsumu wraps his fist around it, spreading the lube all over the shaft and then paying attention to the head. Even though it's not really him, its fucking hot to jerk the dildo like this in-between Kiyoomi’s legs.

“Here, put your legs over my shoulders,” Kiyoomi adjusts the angle and rests his ankles over Atsumu’s shoulders. Atsumu reaches down in between them, and uses a wet finger to quickly enter and exit Kiyoomi. The body underneath him reacts immediately, clenching and flexing. Beautiful. With the clean hand securing the base, Atsumu guides the slick head to where Omi is waiting. He holds it there, just barely pressing against Kiyoomi, and looks to his face.

Kiyoomi’s lip quirks into a slight smile, the same smirk that used to challenge him on the court, “So, are you going to show me, or what?”

That jerk. He's trying to make me lose my cool. And it's working. He presses against Kiyoomi and feels the moment he opens up. Kiyoomi gasps, grabbing onto Atsumu's thighs on either side of him. Atsumu makes sure to go slow, working a little bit more in, paying attention to Kiyoomi’s face for any discomfort. Kiyoomi had his head tilted back, neck arched, mouth open with his tongue very present, but not quite sticking out. He's making little noises as Atsumu sinks into him. It's addicting. Atsumu could become addicted to bringing Kiyoomi to this place. His clean hand presses up against Kiyoomi’s backside as he nearly fully seats himself. “You okay?” Atsumu asks.

“Augh, yeah, ah, all of it Atsu, give me all of it.” God fucking dammit. Atsumu pulls his clean hand away and pushes his hips forwards, until there is no space between them. His actual hard dick is also sandwiched between them. Atsumu groans into the leg on his shoulders from finally getting some contact to himself.

He rests his good hand up by Kiyoomi’s shoulder, leaning over him. “Oh God,” Kiyoomi groans. Kiyoomi’s body is folded in half, his legs pressed up against Atsumu’s chest and shoulders. Kiyoomi brings his hands to Atsumu’s biceps, holding on tightly. “Does it hurt?” Atsumu asks.

“No, God no,” Kiyoomi says, opening his eyes slowly, “I feel so close to you, I want to kiss you so badly.”

Atsumu smiles, so glad that Kiyoomi isn't in any pain, “That might be a bit of a stretch,”

“I'm willing to make it,” Kiyoomi says, he slides his ankles off of Atsumu’s shoulders, flexing them open into a V shape and pulls down on Atsumu to bring them together.
“Kiss me, kiss me” Kiyoomi demands, a hand coming to wrap around the back of Atsumu’s head.

Atsumu knows that the position cannot be that comfortable, Kiyoomi’s legs are spread wide. He feels back quickly to make sure that the dildo is still good, and ducks his head down to capture his lips. Kiyoomi holds on hard to his shoulder and head, and moans into his mouth.

“Atsumu, you can move,”

“Oh, are you askin’ me?”

“Just letting you know, feels good this way too.” Kiyoomi bites onto Atsumu’s bottom lip, releasing it after a second.

Atsumu feels the flare of a challenge in his chest, Kiyoomi is trying to get him to crack. He won't be cracking first.

Atsumu slides his lips down to Kiyoomi’s throat, “Oh, does it feel good like this?”

He feels Omi nod his head, breath hitching as Atsumu kisses against his neck. Atsumu keeps his lubed hand braced on his pelvis, making sure everything stays in place, so he can slide back the tiniest bit before he pushes back in. “Ah, Atsu,”

“Is that better? Or…”

“Yup, better, yeah-”

Atsumu grins and brings his mouth further down to Kiyoomi’s broad chest. He pulls out a little farther this time and pushes back in a bit quicker as he licks over Kiyoomi’s pretty pink nipple.

It is a little jarring to not be able to feel what the dildo is doing at all, but the way Kiyoomi moans from it easily makes up for that. Atsumu drinks up the sounds, eyes every so often glancing down to the leaking cock that has so far been ignored.

“Atsu-”

Atsumu keeps the slow pace as he kisses Kiyoomi's mouth again. He wants the sensation, he wants some kind of sensation with Kiyoomi. When he had humped Omi in his lap he hadn't realized how much Kiyoomi was probably craving connection. “Omi, I love you,” Atsumu whispers into the kiss.

Kiyoomi whines back, hands threading through his hair, holding him close. “Fuck me baby, please…”

Atsumu can't help the sharp inhale he takes in, all of this had been to make him beg, but…but he really didn't think it was going to make him feel like he was absolutely melting.

“I want you, I want you so much, please-”

Atsumu's brain is seriously malfunctioning. Strong. Stoic. Unmovable. Sakusa Kiyoomi. Begging.

He keeps his face as close as he can to Kiyoomi while still being able to move his hips. He begged, now he's going to receive. The volume of the moans escalates and Atsumu uses his hand to guide the dildo in, making sure he doesn't pull out too far. With each thrust he gets a moment of contact, a moment where his actual dick gets to feel something, and he can almost start to connect it, almost start to imagine that with each movement it really is him forcing those sounds out of Kiyoomi’s chest.

“Fuck, Omi, you did so good,”

The hands that were in his hair slide to his back, fingernails digging in through his shirt. God, it must feel really good. “Atsu, Atsu, baby, don't stop, don't stop-Ah, ah”

Short of the roof caving in, it doesn't feel like there is anything that could convince Atsumu to stop, anything other than Kiyoomi himself. He continues to rock forwards, trying his best to angle in a way that will feel best for his partner.

“Are you gonna cum on my dick?” Atsumu whispers below his ear.

“Yes,” Kiyoomi gasps, fingers grasping onto his back, almost like he's trying to hold on. Atsumu continues, snapping his hips forwards to continuously fill Kiyoomi. The hands tear down his back to his hips and the legs spread around him clamps shut, “Oh Baby,” Kiyoomi calls out, head tilted all the way, back arched severely. Atsumu watches his face until motion from under his stomach catches his attention. There is already a string of white cum sprayed a few inches up Kiyoomi’s stomach. He watches a second shorter one empty out. The dick continues to jump and kick, letting out smaller beads onto the heaving stomach.

“Ah, ah, oh god, fuck baby,” Kiyoomi is breathless, a hand running through his own hair, eyes closed. Atsumu dives down and captures his mouth again, he can feel the softer sounds of pleasure that Kiyoomi lets out as their tongues slide against each other. Kiyoomi makes a low groan and Atsumu realizes that he never pulled out, he forgot to, he can't actually feel it. “Oh God, I'm sorry,” he sits up quickly and pulls the dildo out of Kiyoomi and out of his pants. He puts it on the bed next to them and helps Kiyoomi close his legs. “Ah fuck,” Kiyoomi groans in pain as his muscles are given the chance to relax.

Atsumu grabs the wipes from the nightstand and wipes down Kiyoomi’s stomach, finishing by gently wiping over his rim. He wraps that wipe in another wipe and sets it with the dildo.

He looks up to see Kiyoomi watching, taking careful measured breaths. He uses one last wipe on his hands and then lays down next to his panting Omi.

“Are you okay?” He asks, eyes watching his face carefully.

“Oh God yes, that was incredible.” Kiyoomi says, eyes still closed.

Atsumu smiles. He likes seeing Kiyoomi all blissed out like this. All blissed out because of him.

“Are you okay?” Kiyoomi asks, turning his head and opening his eyes.

“Yes, that was really fun…when you actually begged…I thought I was losing my mind.”

Kiyoomi chuckles and turns his head back upwards, “It was hard to wait that long, I wanted to beg since the car.”

“It was so hot,”

Kiyoomi lets out a breath, “Heh, thanks.”

“Do you want to snuggle?” Atsumu asks, trying not to show that he's invested in the answer.

“I would love to, can I put some clothes on?”

“Yeah of course.” Atsumu watches him stand, slowly at first, as his body reorientates to doing things and moving. He pulls on some clothes and rejoins him on the bed.

Atsumu lets himself be spooned, feeling Kiyoomi’s face against the back of his neck.

“A little snuggle and then I need to shower.”

“No worries Omi, nothing is ever expected.”

“Mmm, finally, you get it.” Kiyoomi whispers into his neck.

“Getting there at least.” Atsumu responds. He feels the hand around him give a gentle squeeze. He really is getting there.

Chapter Text

Atsumu can hear the shower running from the bed. He’s laying on his back, pants strewn God knows where, hand around his achingly hard dick. Pretty much as soon as Omi had left he was touching himself. He made Omi cum, he made him cum like that…fuck, and he has begged, had begged for Atsumu to fuck him.

He has one hand around himself, pumping up and down, his other hand is tangled into his hair. God he's so sensitive. Even a light touch feels so fucking good, his body is so keyed up from what they just did.

He continues to stroke himself, letting his hand slide over the head. His hips buck up into his fist as his back arches off the bed.

“Oh! Sorry!” Atsumu turns to see Kiyoomi in the partially open doorway, face turning more red by the second. He starts to close the door, “Wait-” Atsumu turns onto his side, “You don't have to go- I mean you totally can, but also you don't have to…” He did just make Omi cum on his dildo cock, and it's not like Kiyoomi hasn't seen this before.

Kiyoomi closes the door behind him, waiting a moment before he goes to the dresser to get some clothes. Atsumu can see Omi’s reflection in the mirror. He uses a light touch on himself, almost mindlessly touching as he watches Kiyoomi through the mirror. His eyes are downcast as he rummages through the drawer. He glances up and they make eye contact for a second before Kiyoomi breaks it to look at where Atsumu is touching himself.

Atsumu spreads his legs a little more and Kiyoomi fully looks down at the dresser, “God Atsumu,” he whispers.

“What?” He says coyly, “I know you like to watch.”

Kiyoomi is quiet for a moment and then turns, resting his weight against the dresser, hands braced on the edge, only a towel around his waist, “Do you want me to watch? Because I also have hands.”

Atsumu now has his full attention and gives himself a solid stroke, thumb passing over the top as he goes, “Wouldn't want to get you dirty again Omi,”

“I wasn't dirty,” he says as the steps closer to the bed, “you did get me messy though,” his knees bump the edge, hand coming to rest on the quilt top by Atsumu’s ankle, “and I don't mind showering again.” He uses a single finger to brush along Atsumu’s ankle bone and up towards his calf.

Atsumu chest feels tight, both with love and desire. Atsumu watches the long pale finger trace light circles onto his leg. He takes his hand off of himself and runs both soft his hands through his hair, “Fuck Omi, of course I want ya to touch me. Can you go again?”

Kiyoomi lets the towel drop away and climbs into the bed, he's already partially hard. “I have an idea,” Kiyoomi says as he sits upright on the bed, legs spread and bent, in front of him “If we both sit like this…”

“Hell yes,” Atsumu jumps up and positions himself right in front of Kiyoomi, overlapping their bent legs so that they are nearly chest to chest, both hard in the middle.

Kiyoomi wraps his hands around Atsu’s back, hands sliding up and down, gentle, loving. “I want you to cum on me,” he says, voice low and quiet.

“Fuck” Atsumu whispers, leaning his head forwards into his shoulder.

…

Kiyoomi smiles at the reaction and the feeling of hot breath on his skin. “Do you want me to touch you?”

He feels Atsumu nods against his shoulder, and then says, “Yeah,”

Kiyoomi slides his hands from Atsumu’s back to his thighs, hands wrapping around the strong muscle. “Omi I'm so hard,'' Atsumu whispers, the breathy sound flipping Kiyoomi’s stomach. Kiyoomi squeezes his thighs, “Atsu,”.

Atsumu pulls his head up and Kiyoomi is stunned by the low lidded gaze followed by a slightly parted mouth, skin featuring a delightful blush. Atsumu shifts forwards, lips nearly touching Kiyoomi’s, “Omi, I want you, I want you to touch me,” Atsumu whispers against his mouth. Jesus, oh Lord, is this what it felt like? When Kiyoomi begged? He feels like he would do nearly anything Atsumu asked for, he wants to make Atsumu see stars, forget who he is, get lost in pleasure and want. Kiyoomi shifts a hand from the thigh and uses the back of a curved finger to run along the length of Atsumu’s hard dick.

“Ahh, oh, you're teasing,” Atsumu whines, voice betraying how good it feels. Kiyoomi reaches the top and slides his thumb over the head. He loses contact for a moment when Atsumu's hips buck at the feeling.

“Omi, please, please I want to cum. I got so hard watching you.”

Kiyoomi kisses his lips for a moment, “When you watched me beg and then cum on your dick?” He says with a low voice, hand loosely moving up and down Atsumu's hard length.

“Ah-Ah- Omi, more please, please,”

How could he deny him, especially when he fucked Kiyoomi so good?

Kiyoomi puts his other hand on himself, God, he's honestly never gone twice in a row like this. He grips Atsumu in earnest now and gives them both a solid pump. “Fuck, Omi-” Atsumu’s head fall to his shoulder again, one hand clutching his bicep, the other latched onto his back. Kiyoomi looks down, their bodies are so close together, pelvises facing each other, just a few inches between them, legs tangled and overlapping. Atsumu’s dick is flushed red and pink, it's so hot in his hand. Again, that feeling of wanting to kiss it, to lick it, to feel it in his mouth…

Kiyoomi continues to stroke them both at the same time, giving attention to their heads, letting Atsumu’s pleasured sounds fill the space between them.

“Omiiii,” Atsumu whines as he brings his hands up to his shoulders. He drags his head up, like it is physically difficult. Kiyoomi can hardly see the auburn irises that he loves due to Atsumu’s dark pupils. His mouth hangs open, quiet pants coming out in between beautiful moans. “Closer?” Atsumu asks, eyes trained on Kiyoomi’s face.

Kiyoomi nods and Atsumu scoots his body even closer, legs coming up to wrap around his hips. The few inches that had been between them disappears and Kiyoomi feels Atsumu. He feels him hot and hard against himself. Strong fingers dig into his back at the contact as Kiyoomi’s eyes shut.

“Atsu, do you want to stop?” It feels hard to say so many coherent words in a row, which is why it's important he actually checks.

“No Omi, please, can you do us together?”

Fuck. Kiyoomi looks down at where they are already touching. He opens both of his hands and recloses them around both of their hardness. Something in his hips feel desperate, urgent, wanting. He holds off on moving and moves his neck to capture Atsumu's lips.

Atsu moans. It's a messy kiss, lips and tongue all moving together mindlessly. They sit there for a moment, cocks pressed together in his hands, mouths full of each other.

“Omi, can I move?”

Kiyoomi is flooded with the memory of that first night in his office. Atsumu had asked if he would let him fuck him right there. Kiyoomi had said yes. He had been so weak, so desperate, and now he is even more. He's even weaker for Atsumu. For every part of Atsumu, his smile, his voice, his passion. He loves him. He loves him so much. He has loved him for so long.

“Omi?”

Kiyoomi opens his eyes to see auburn ones.

“Do you want to stop?”

“Oh God, sorry. No, I don't want to stop. Yes you can move, please move.”

Atsumu doesn't move, “What happened?”

Kiyoomi gives out a half hearted laugh, “I got caught up in thinking about how much I love you.” He watches Atsumu's face as he processes this. Atsumu frowns and closes his eyes.

“Baby,” Kiyoomi releases his hands from around them.

Ataumu’s jaw is clenched when he reopens his damp eyes. “You were thinking about me?” He asks quietly.

“Yeah, sorry,” Kiyoomi isn't totally sure why Atsumu is upset with him.

Atsumu lightly hits his bicep, “Don't fucking apologize,” his voice is tense, like he is holding back tears, “Do you think anyone has ever stopped trying to fuck me because they were thinking about how much they loved me?”

Kiyoomi really isn't sure how to respond, he keeps watching Atsumu as he takes a deep breath and wipes at his eyes. He blows a breath upwards, ruffling the hair on his forehead.

“Fuck, knowing that makes me feel fucking feral for you.” Kiyoomi jolts at the words.

Hands push on his chest and Kiyoomi finds himself flat on his back, legs still under Atsumu.

Atsumu stays sitting on him, both of them still hard and next to each other. “Do you want to continue Love?” Atsumu asks, a slight smile on his face.

Kiyoomi feels overwhelmed, just moments ago he thought Atsumu had been upset and now he's pushed him down and is calling him ‘Love’? Atsumu almost never calls him anything except Omi.

Strong hands have stayed planted on his chest, thumbs rubbing soothingly.

“Atsu, we can definitely stop-”

“Don't want to, I want to keep going.”

His face is calm again, no longer frowning or clenched. “Do you still want to-”

Atsumu nods quickly, before he even finishes and lays down on top of him, legs still spread over his lower body. Atsumu’s face is right up close to his, “Do you still want to Love?” He asks.

Kiyoomi swallows and nods, hearing the term of endearment, one that he himself uses, is making him feel weird. A really good weird. And he definitely wants to keep going.

He wraps his arms around the warm body above him, oh god, this is the first time they have both been naked like this, and now they are right up against each other, so much skin touching. Atsumu nuzzles into his neck, lips kissing the sensitive skin.

Kiyoomi can feel all of Atsumu’s broad chest against his own. He's so warm. He's always so warm. “I'm gonna move now” Atsumu whispers into his skin.

Kiyoomi can feel muscles shifting under his fingers as Atsumu shifts to grind them together. “Oooh” Kiyoomi moans, head tipping back. Atsumu is everywhere, in his ear, on his neck, on his chest, pressing right up against him.

Atsumu’s hips move insistently, pushing them together. Atsumu moans into his ear when they get a particularly good slide together. The sound - God that sound - Kiyoomi feels his hips buck up, trying to get that sound again.

“Ah -Omi, keep going,” Atsumu’s breath is hot against his ear. Kiyoomi flattens out his hands on Atsumu’s lower back and bucks up again. He is rewarded with the most delicious moan in his ear. Usually he wants to kiss Atsumu when he cums, but today he would be happy to just hear it so closely and feel it happen between them.

“I loved fucking you,” Atsumu whispers in his ear, body moving urgently.

“Atsu-” Kiyoomi whines. He feels a little bit of wetness between them. One or both of them must be leaking some precum.

Atsumu pushes harder against him, panting against his neck, “You really, ah, just had been thinking about me?”

Kiyoomi holds onto the other man tighter, “Yes, was thinking about, ah, oh god, how many years I've loved you.”

“You're fucking ridiculous, God, ah, I love you too.”

Atsumu starts to do that higher pitch of breathing, he's getting close. “Omi,” he whines, “are you sure? Can I?”

“Yeah, I want you to cum on me baby, want to feel you.” Once the words are out of his mouth he realizes that he's made a mistake, he doesn't ask for that, he doesn't say that. He clears his head to pay attention to Atsumu, but he doesn't seem upset. He continues to grind against him, panting out breaths and moans against his neck.

Trust him.

Kiyoomi joins back in, hands gripping Atsumu’s waist as he pushes up to meet his thrusts. “Fuck, fuck, fuck…” Atsumu whispers. Atsumu’s mouth is open on his skin and then he bites. Not so hard it hurts, but hard enough that he can feel the pressure of his sharper teeth. Through the bite he groans, low and deep, body going more rigid.

“Atsu, I love you baby, I love you,”

The groan turns into a whine, teeth staying planted against his shoulder. The mouth detaches and moans, “Omi,”.

The sound does something spectacular to Kiyoomi. He is close too. It's hard not to be with Atsumu on top of him like this moaning his name into his ear. Atsumu starts to sit up and Kiyoomi slides a hand to the middle of his back, “No baby, wanna hear you, wanna hear you cum.”

Atsumu collapses back onto him, “Fuck, God.”

Kiyoomi feels the urgency in his stomach increase, his body is close. He feels wound so fucking tight, already having cum, in a new way too, and now with Atsumu on him. God. He's losing his mind. He uses a hand on Ataumu’s lower back to help keep them together.

Atsumu’s forearms are braced on the bed on either side of Kiyoomi, his hips rock forwards. Two hands tangle into his hair, grasping onto his curls. Kiyoomi groans in response, he really does like when Atsumu is a little rough with his hair. Atsumu is making quick high pitched noises and then he tugs hard. “Omi,” he gasps and pushes down against his body forcefully, his hips flex, and then he moans, long and deep. Kiyoomi feels him keep grinding forwards in jerky motions. He's cumming on me, Kiyoomi thinks, eyes closed, the roots of his hair stinging. He is overwhelmed, his hips arch up and he finishes too, gasping out Atsumu’s name. He can feel Atsumu collapse against him as his cock continues to leak.

The two men lay panting together, surely a mess between the two of them. Atsumu lifts his head and kisses him, whispering “Omi” and “Love” into his mouth as they go. Kiyoomi still has hands on his back, unwilling to let the closeness between them end.

He feels a warm droplet on his face and opens his eyes. All he can see is Atsumu's closed ones.

He reaches a hand up to cup his cheek, “Hun,” he whispers.

Atsumu pulls back and slowly opens his eyes. They are indeed wet despite the kind smile on his face, “Just love you so fucking much.”

Kiyoomi rubs his palm up the planes of Atsumu's back, “I love you too,”

“I know,” Atsumu says with a smile. He gives him another quick peck on the lips and sits all the way up. Kiyoomi cringes as the feels their sticky bodies pull apart. He isn't loving this particular sensation, but from Atsumu’s face he doesn't either.

“Shower together? You can start my love.” Atsumu says, reaching over for the wipes on the night stands to do their stomachs.

Kiyoomi’s chest twists when he hears the affectionate name again. Is this just normal now?

Atsumu climbs off of him and they both walk into the bathroom. Atsumu gets the water started and turns to gently press a hand on Kiyoomi’s lower back, “You doing okay?”.

“Yeah, that was…really intense and really fun.”

Atsumu chuckles, his other hand under the spread of water. “Go on Omi, it's hot.”

Kiyoomi climbs in and feels that it is indeed quite hot. He lets it run over his face and front side. He hears the curtain rustle and feels a hand come around his stomach. He leans back into the body behind him. Kiyoomi has never showered with anybody as an adult, anybody except Atsumu. Showers are sacred. But honestly, Atsumu is sacred too. He guides them to turn around to put Atsumu in the water, “How are you doing?” He asks as Atsumu leans his head back to wet his hair. “I feel…warm and safe.” Atsumu opens his eyes, water running down his forehead and through his hair, “I feel like I know what people mean now, when they say ‘making love'. It's different than just fucking, it's different than just following urges.”

Kiyoomi’s face feels warm all over again, “Want me to do your hair?”

Atsumu hums in affirmation and turns away, giving his back to Kiyoomi. He takes his time, lathering the shampoo into Ataumu’s hair. His chest aches something fierce with how he feels. He has Atsumu turn again and helps the water rinse the soap away.

“Why do you look sad?” Atsumu asks gently. Kiyoomi hadn't even realized that he had opened his eyes.

“I'm not quite sure why, but I feel overwhelmed,” he says, fingers working their way through his short hair, “I feel so terribly close to you, like I don't want to be apart.”

Atsumu smiles and comes forwards to hug him. Kiyoomi holds the man in his arms, Atsumu's cheek resting on his shoulder. They are once again right up against each other, naked bodies pressed together, but it's not like before, this…Kiyoomi isn't quite sure what this is, but he loves it.

He really truly loves it.

Chapter Text

Kiyoomi stands over the stove. He can hear Yuzu watching TV in the other room.

Atsumu has been at a conference for teaching contemporary literature, so it has just been the two of them for a few days. Initially Kiyoomi was worried that it would be awkward, but with teenagers it's always kind of awkward anyways.

Kiyoomi plates the food and brings it out to Yuzuru, “What are we watching?”

“Nothing really,” Yuzuru says and clicks the TV off. He shifts to sit at the coffee table and Kiyoomi puts the food down.

“Thank you for the meal,” Yuzuru says and starts to eat. Kiyoomi watches him for a moment before he starts his own food.

“When will Atsumu be back?” Yuzuru asks, feigning disinterest.

“Tomorrow morning likely, do you miss him?”

“No- But it is a lot quieter here without him,”

Kiyoomi laughs, that is so true. You don't really notice all the little sounds he makes until he is gone.

“My mom has been texting me,”

Classic Yuzu, just dropping the bomb so casually. Kiyoomi had a feeling something was coming.

“Do you want to tell me about it?”

Yuzuru takes another bite, looking down into his food, “It's just weird, she wants me to come back.”

Kiyoomi feels his anxiety spikes. He knew that she probably did, and if she fights for it she would have a strong enough case. “What do you want Yuzuru?” He tries to keep his tone even.

“I…I miss her, but…she also…she didn't stop him.”

Kiyoomi clenches his jaw for a moment, unsure of whether to be a therapist, coach, or a temporary parent right now, “I think it is normal to miss somebody, especially a parent, even if they hurt you badly.”

Yuzuru bites his lip, eyes still looking down. “I feel safer here.”

“That is good, we want you to feel safe.”

“Kiyoomi…”

“Yes?”

“I think I know why Atsumu is doing this, but…why are you doing this?”

“Doing this?”

Yuzuru scratches at the spot above his eyebrows, “Taking me…”

Kiyoomi is going to fill the therapist role for a moment, “Why do you think Atsumu is fighting for you?”

Yuzuru sighs, “Because nobody was there for him.”

“That's part of it,” Kiyoomi says gently, “There is another part too.”

Yuzuru’s eyebrows are pushed together when he glances up to see Kiyoomi.

“Honestly kid, the truth is we care about you a lot, and it's true that we both wish there had been someone there for us at your age, but…” Kiyoomi pauses for a moment, the words still tangled in his brain, “You are deserving of care and safety, and we both want to provide that.”

“But why?” Yuzuru whispers.

“We don't need a reason, it's not something that you have to earn.”

“Sometimes you are so annoying.” Yuzuru says dryly.

Kiyoomi smiles, “I have been told that before.”

Yuzuru keeps eating quietly. They both startle when the front door opens. Before he even has a chance to think, he stands, putting himself between Yuzuru and the noise.

Kiyoomi’s body relaxes when he sees that it's Atsu, “Hey, you're early.”

“Yeah, hey Yuzu!” Atsumu leans to the side to see him sitting at the table. Atsumu smiles at him and Kiyoomi knows that something is wrong, that's not his real smile.

Kiyoomi tries to catch his eye but Atsumu is looking anywhere else, “I've got to shower,” he continues on into the house, bag over his shoulder. Kiyoomi watches his back go, and then turns back to Yuzuru who is gazing at the place where Atsumu just disappeared.

“Is he okay?” Yuzuru asks, glancing now at Kiyoomi. That is a good question. Kiyoomi has no clue how to respond to it.

He looks down at Yuzuru who is still sitting, eyes worried, “I'm not sure, but even if he isn't you're staying here and you're safe. We adults can handle ourselves.”

Yuzuru just looks at him.

“I'm going to go check on him.”

Yuzuru looks back down at his food.

Kiyoomi crouches down at the table, waiting until Yuzuru looks at him again, “You're staying here and you're safe.”

“Okay Kiyoomi,” he says finally.

Kiyoomi stands, stomach twisting and goes into the bathroom.

“It's just me Hun,” Kiyoomi says as he sits on the closed toilet.

“Hey,” Atsumu responds from behind the curtain.

“How was it?”

Atsumu is quiet behind the curtain for a long moment, the sound of running water filling the space.

“The conference was good.”

Kiyoomi waits but nothing more is said.

“Atsu-” Kiyoomi starts but is immediately cut off.

“I fucked up.”

Kiyoomi looks at the opaque curtain, wishing he could see through it.

“What do you mean?”

“We need to decide about Yuzu, I think he should stay here with you.”

“Wait- wait hold up-” Kiyoomi is having trouble processing what they are even talking about,

“I cheated on you.”

It is again quiet in the bathroom except for the sound of water. Kiyoomi cannot get his mouth to work, his thoughts are flying so fast. As he tries to make sense of any of this his heart fucking aches, because he has a feeling…he has a feeling its not that simple.

“Atsu,” he finally manages to say, “What happened?”

“It happened so fast, I'm so sorry.” Atsumu says quietly, barely audible over the shower. Kiyoomi feels utter dread settle into his stomach. No. Please no.

“I had sex with him.” The words are so small but feel terribly big. Kiyoomi feels his legs start to shake and he puts his hands over his knees.

“What are you not saying?” Kiyoomi asks, hands gripping his legs hard.

“Kiyoomi I'm sorry.” The voice is even, almost unfeeling. It's scary.

“How did- what happened first?” Kiyoomi just knows that this isn't everything.

Atsumu just says, “Kiyoomi.”

“Atsumu, tell me, you can't try and hide this.” His voice comes out harsher than he wants.

“I…I didn't know. I didn't think…”

Kiyoomi waits, he can feel that his breathing is escalating.

“He was nice, we met at a panel and we had a lot in common. I really wasn't trying to start anything, I never would try and start something Omi, I'm sorry, I'm sorry.”

“Atsumu, what happened?”

“I went to his room. I thought…I thought we would just meet up to go down to the conference. He had me come in for a moment.”

Kiyoomi’s heart is sinking. Something so bad happened. Kiyoomi remains quiet. If he opens his mouth he isn't sure what sounds will come out.

“He kissed me, I was surprised. And then…he put his hands on my neck.”

Kiyoomi feels the first tears fall. He keeps his mouth shut tightly and closes his eyes.

“I didn't say no.”

Kiyoomi can't do anything except sit there as tears force themselves out of his closed eyes. Why? Why the fuck did this happen?

“Omi. I'm sorry.”

Kiyoomi forces himself to speak, it's broken and cracked, “Baby, please don't be sorry.”

“Are you mad? Do you…do you want to break up?”

The word comes out like a sob, “No,”.

The shower stops. Kiyoomi watches a hand reach out to grab a towel. “I had sex with him.” Atsumu says.

Kiyoomi chest fucking hurts as he says, “Did you?” Because that doesn't fucking sound like sex…it sounds like…

“Can you get me clothes? I forgot…”

And then Kiyoomi realizes what probably just happened. Atsumu had been raped, and he just showered. Fuck.

“Yes,” Kiyoomi says shakily. He gets up and leaves the bathroom to get some clothes. On his way out of the bedroom he sees Yuzuru looking down the hallway at him.

“Is he okay?” Kiyoomi is sure that Yuzuru can see that he has been crying.

“He…no, he's not okay. He likely is going to be different for a while, it has nothing to do with you, we both care for you very much and we want you to be here.”

Yuzuru looks at the bathroom door, “Is he going to…” is he going to try and kill himself? Kiyoomi is wondering that too.

“No, he won't, and you can let me worry about taking care of him. What we need from you is to stay here and stay safe.”

Yuzuru bites his lip, still looking at the bathroom.

“Is there anything you need before I go help him?”

Yuzuru shakes his head.

“Yuzuru?” The teen looks at him now, “No matter what, we want you here.”

“Okay.”

Kiyoomi turns back to the bathroom and enters, closing the door behind him. Atsumu is still in the shower area waiting for clothes.

“Just me,” Kiyoomi says and starts handing over clothes through the curtain.

“I can go,” Atsumu says quietly.

“Please don't go,” Kiyoomi says back.

“Kiyoomi, I cheated on you, I…I can't stay, that's not fair to you.”

Oh baby. Oh Atsumu.

“Atsumu, that doesn't sound like sex.”

The other man pulls the curtain back and steps out to sit on the edge of the tub, fully dressed

“Do you mean…no, I…I didn't tell him to stop. Why aren't you mad?”

“Can we leave the bathroom?” Kiyoomi asks.

“Sure…” Atsumu says slowly.

Kiyoomi leads the way, glancing down the empty hallway as he crosses to the bedroom. Kiyoomi turns on a lamp and hears Atsumu come in and close the door behind himself. Atsumu puts the towel in the hamper and continues to stand there awkwardly, like he's fighting the urge to bolt.

Kiyoomi sits on the bed and scoots all the way back to the wall. Atsumu comes over slowly and perches on the edge, fingers picking at the blanket.

“Will you tell me the story of what happened?” Kiyoomi whispers.

Atsumu looks up, frightened, “What? Why would you…want to hear that?”

Kiyoomi keeps his eye contact, “I want to know. Please.”

“Why aren't you mad?” Atsumu asks, glaring down at his fingers.

“He choked you…” Kiyoomi says, voice wavering.

Atsumu nods, not looking up. “Atsumu, please tell me what happened after he choked you.”

Atsumu continues to glare and folds his fingers into a fist, “Omi…”

Kiyoomi knows. He knows extensively how the brain works. He knows how trauma alters everything. He knows that the second Atsumu couldn't breath his brain flipped. He didn't say no. He couldn't say no. He must have been so scared.

Kiyoomi tries to wipe away the tears that just won't stop coming. Atsumu watches him, a vacant expression on his face, “Kiyoomi, I'm so sorry.”

Kiyoomi shakes his head, his throat catching on his breath. Atsumu doesn't know yet. His brain hasn't let him know yet. He thinks he cheated.

“You really want to know?” Atsumu’s voice is even and calm. It's fucking unnerving.

Kiyoomi nods, hands trying to clear his eyes again.

Atsumu starts with that chilly tone of voice, void of emotion. He starts and he doesn't stop until the end.

“He choked me and then he asked if I wanted to keep going. I said yes.”

Kiyoomi feels as though his heart is breaking. Is this real? Is this fucking real?

“I got on the bed,”

This can't be real. This can't be real.

“He told me to get on my hands and knees.”

Please don't be fucking real.

“He didn't use a condom.”

Kiyoomi puts his face into his hands, knees pulled up tight to his body. This isn't real. This isn't real. He hasn't stopped crying.

Atsumu’s tone has been so fucking calm this whole time.

“Kiyoomi…” there is something fragile in his voice now, “he choked me again.”

Kiyoomi takes a shaking inhale.

“I think I lost consciousness.”

Kiyoomi feels his body curl in on itself even more. No. No. No.

“When I woke up he was still going but I wasn't on my knees anymore.”

“Atsu…” Kiyoomi manages to say through his tears.

“I think that happened a few times.”

Kiyoomi puts his hand against his mouth. Why? What the fuck? What the fuck did Atsumu do to deserve this?

“I'm hurting you.”

Kiyoomi pulls his hand away and opens his eyes, “No,” he says firmly, “You are not hurting me.”

“You're weeping,” Atsumu says flatly.

Kiyoomi tries to look at him through the tears. Tries to look at his neck in the dim room. There is so much hurt in Atsumu’s body right now. “What happened next?” Kiyoomi manages to say.

“He asked…he asked if he could fuck my face. I said yes.” Atsumu gently touches his own jaw.

Kiyoomi takes a shaking breath, “Did you want to do that?”

Atsumu is keeping his head down, “I wanted it to be over.”

Kiyoomi feels like he might actually be ill. This really happened. This really just fucking happened.

“What happened next?”

“He…he did that, and I think he finished.”

Kiyoomi physically puts his tongue in between his teeth to shut himself up.

“He got off of me and said that we should go down to the conference.”

Atsumu takes a breath, “I got dressed and came here.” He looks up at Kiyoomi now, “I really didn't mean to, I didn't plan to…”

“Atsu, people don't plan to get assaulted.” Kiyoomi is fighting through his crying body to say the words.

“I…it wasn't…I kept saying yes.”

“Were you scared?”

Atsumu is looking really intensely at him. Kiyoomi wonders what he is thinking, what is happening in there right now?

“Yes,” he says finally, his voice cracking in the word.

“Did you ask him to choke you?”

“No!” Atsumu says quickly.

“Atsu, my love, you were raped.”

Atsumu sits there, really still for a minute.

“Why didn't I just say no?”

“He choked you.”

Atsumu looks at him, “So?”

Kiyoomi maintains the eye contact, his chest hurts, “So when someone physically assaults you like that, it's scary and all consent after that is not true. You were scared.”

“He told me to be really quiet.”

Kiyoomi closes his eyes for a moment. Do all these fuckers have a script that they share with each other? Like what the fuck.

“What are you thinking?” Atsumu asks.

Kiyoomi isn't even fully sure of the answer, there are so many different directions that his brain is going.

“I'm honestly just so sorry that this happened, I feel…I'm not sure there is a word for this feeling, I feel grief.

“I'm sorry,” Atsumu whispers.

“Oh baby, you do not need to apologize at all.”

Atsumu doesn't respond to this, instead he continues to pick at the quilt threads.

“Hun, we need to get you help.”

Atsumu shakes his head, “No, I don't want to go back to the hospital.”

“It wouldn't be to stay, I promise it wouldn't be to stay. Your body…we need to make sure it is okay.”

“I don't want to.” Atsumu says, the fear heavy in his voice.

Kiyoomi knows it's borderline cruel, but he really needs Atsumu to do this, “You have a kid now, he and I both need you to take care of you, and that means going.”

Atsumu punches the bed. He starts slow but by the end he is slamming both of his first into the mattress. He suddenly stops and leans over, forehead touching the blanket.

“You're going to make me.” He says.

“I'm going to strongly insist.”

Atsumu’s voice is different, it's not too calm and it's not scared either, it's almost…normal, “Fuck. Omi, why did this happen?”

“I don't know, but it wasn't your fault.”

“Take me to the hospital, call Osamu, do all the things. I'm likely going to fight you, but please, please help me.”

“I will,” Kiyoomi says,

“I love you.” Atsumu says.

A half sob pushes its way up his throat as he says “I love you too.”

Chapter Text

Osamu picks up. Atsumu is eating some dinner and watching tv with Yuzuru.

“Hey, what's up Omi?”

“It's one of those times, it's a bad phone call. Atsumu is with me, he is currently safe. I need you to come stay with Yuzuru while we go to the Emergency Room.”

The line is quiet for a while.

“Okay. I'm driving down.” Kiyoomi doesn't quite know Osamu well enough to read his voice over the phone.

“Can I get an idea of what's going on?”

“Yes, Atsumu was at a conference these past few days, he came home early and it became clear that he had been raped earlier today. It was unprotected and he was strangled. I'm going to take him to the ER as soon as you get here.”

The line is quiet again.

“Okay.” Osamu says.

“It's a lot to process.” Kiyoomi reassures.

“Kiyoomi, thank you.”

“You don't need to thank me.”

“I'm going to drive now, it says I'll be there in about 2 hours.”

“Okay, see you soon.”

“Bye.”

Kiyoomi puts his phone in his pocket and joins the gang in the living room. Atsumu has barely picked at his food and is curled into himself on the couch.

Kiyoomi sits on the floor next to the coffee table. “Yuzuru,” he waits a moment to have the teen's attention, “Atsumu and I have to go to the hospital. We might not be back till morning. I have asked Atsumu’s brother to come stay the night but you have not yet met him, so is there somebody else you would like to stay with you?”

Yuzuru looks at Atsumu, “Can I trust him?”.

Atsumu nods, “I trust him with my life.”

Yuzu looks back to Kiyoomi, “I trust that you wouldn't put me in danger.”

I'm going to do my best to live up to that, Kiyoomi thinks as his chest aches.

“Atsu, we have about two hours before we need to go.”

“Okay Omi,” Atsumu says quietly, eyes on the TV.

Yuzuru looks between the two of them, “Am I allowed to know what's going on?”

Kiyoomi looks at Atsumu who doesn't move. Kiyoomi turns back to Yuzuru, “For now, no. It has nothing to do with your situation. You are good and going to stay here.”

“Okay Kiyoomi,” Yuzuru settles back into the couch but Kiyoomi can tell that he is stiff and nervous. Poor kid. This must be so confusing and weird.

“Do you want to see some pictures of Atsumu’s brother?”

“Sure!”

Kiyoomi sits between the two of them with his phone in his lap. Yuzuru leans towards him and Atsumu turns a little to watch. Kiyoomi starts to go through the pictures Osamu has sent to the family chat. Yuzuru and Kiyoomi look through the pictures. Once in a while Yuzuru will ask a question and Atsumu will respond.

“Akari looks just like you!” Yuzuru says when they get a close up picture of her playing in the mud. Atsumu doesn't respond to the comment and instead says, “Show him some old ones of me and Samu, from highschool.”