Archive of Our Own ^beta

– The Fountain –

…

Beneath a sky on the verge of falling,

Within a kingdom obscured by clouds,

Regret is a secret fiend

Of the most unfortunate of men.

A Burmecian, our protagonist, stands near a blurred window.

Half-man, half rat, he leads a normal life,

A coward in disguise.

And wide are his delusions, gone is the pride

Of who once was a legendary knight

Driven by duty and strength

"That knight", he says, "He lives through me as a foolish child".

How come everything came as it is,

The turn of tides, the unforgettable silhouette,

An unfathomable reminiscence,

Deep red is the color behind his eyes,

Now he lives in self-doubt.

He does not remember anything, anything at all.

His childhood, his adulthood,

His friends, his girlfriend,

He pours some liquid in the glass

As he watches time pass by and people move on

Outside, in the streets washed by rain,

Small children play in the backyard

Of homes devastated by war.

For once he does not feel alone in his solitude

When everything and everyone

Are united in a silent chord.

Singing upon the remains of dead mothers and wives,

Dancing upon the graves of ordinary men,

Those are the new Burmecians.

Free of sin, free of guilt,

They laugh as they throw mud at each other,

But the rain won't let them keep the dirt.

They talk as if they led a life in distance,

But the rain won't let them move away.

Away from the misery, away from the darkness,

Away from grief, away from sadness,

They all fake a smile

As they lead their meaningless lives.

"One day I will become a Dragon Knight", he said in his youth.

He was like one of those kids outside,

So many goals and dreams were put aside.

He played jump rope every day so he could jump higher,

Higher, higher than a Dragon Knight.

Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday,

Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Monday,

Those were the days when nothing else mattered,

When failure made him stronger, and aware of the world's mishaps.

Yes, how he screamed all through the night,

Yes, how his tears streamed down under the morning light,

Living in a dreamworld, a soul mundane

Who did everything to jump high and high,

Time and effort were not in vain,

He grew up and became a Knight... So what!?

He changed a lot within a world that has not changed at all.

Living under her own shadow for all she has been known,

Built with the effort of a thousand souls,

Once a land of eternal downpour,

The birthplace of Gaia's best warriors,

Remember when you were young and wild?

Burmecia, land of empty fallows.

Burmecia, land of lonely foreigners.

And they say you were once great and proud,

Different words in different places,

The old who grew on her prime

Tell a story of brother against brother,

The betrayal of a blood promise

Over the ownership of a worthless gem,

Terrible events cascading like dominoes,

Jigsaw falling into incorrect places,

Conflicts that brought so much needless lament.

In every infant's cry of fear,

In every hapless soldier's sigh,

Grief, ruin and despair,

Famine, pestilence, skeletons in the crowd,

Burmecia, the self-reflecting image of the end of times.

He can't stop reminiscing a past that ain't his own,

A past where he took himself seriously.

He grips himself with determination,

He makes two from one and one,

He stood home, sat on bed, laid his head upon the pillow

To contemplate the ceiling as if there was something up there,

He sees nothing special, nothing worth his time.

He stares at himself in the mirror,

No desire to improve his muscles, no ill thoughts,

A mere reflection, nothing new, nothing unique,

So manic, so fearless, must be the perfect man,

But the perfect man would have found a better way

To not delve into his own petty problem.

A desperate man, he can't take a leap to escape the abyss

Nor does he think of leaving.

He put himself in a lot of trouble

To make his thoughts disappear like clouds,

Nothing left but screaming, traumatized atoms.

Outside the window, a land of false perfections,

Of false man, false hope, false tears of god

Washing away the last remaining goodness

In all the filthy misery.

Here he comes,

The boy who tried to vanish to another plane

Left his mind drift him away

To a place with no sight and smell.

In his letter, he left a single farewell

For those who cared,

And as he rose above reason

Outside the sparkling rain,

Suspended in the air, a tense soul on flight,

The boy who lived by someone else's fame

Was seven feet high.

Here he comes,

The boy who floated above his childhood lane,

A caged bird for years yearning to be set free

Breaking through the mist with such ease,

In the distance, an ever crumbling landscape

Draws the thin line between nobility and paradise.

Here he comes,

The boy who contemplated the deep blue sky

With such wonder and awe

Is no longer alone in his own island,

Blissfully unaware of the passing of time.

Paralyzed by the faint morning breeze,

Radiant ice formed on the tip of his wings,

Sand poured out of his sad green eyes

And thoughts of failure overcame his fragile mind

As he flew to the desert where the harrowing died.

Here he comes,

The boy with a naive and humble soul

Heading close to twilight under the evening star.

There he saw a man with no recollection of a past life,

Days were spent on a secret journey within his mind,

A ceaseless murmuring of silence vows,

He failed no matter how he tried.

Here he comes,

The man who stood on the corner of an abandoned town

Found near the remains of a hollow tree,

More than alive, a fearless knight covered in fright,

Amused to death, he barely survived.

His skin cold to the human touch,

It's been so long since he spoke

In a world overrun by all he has been deprived,

Thoughts once noble and pure

Of a serene warrior who crossed the blue knoll

Belonged to a heart of gold crumbled to dust.

"Here once lied a peaceful settlement

Obliterated by a single heavenly spear,

It rained ashes for seven days

In this barren and desolate land

Where it used to be home", he said.

He tells a story about how it took seconds

Of Odin's time to take their lives,

His lack of consideration is not his fault

As a weapon does not know to where it fires,

Or that history can fade away into a mushroom cloud.

Here he comes,

The boy who saw no mercy from the leaden sky,

With each step a garden blooms under his feet

As he finds himself company

Alongside a lonely wanderer, an earth-bound misfit

Stranded in his own quicksand island

Of a thousand in this wide sea,

It's been so long since he nurtured dreams of leading

A new life away from this unforgiven misery.

The boy grew a pair of wings

And wished he was no longer here,

His future and past self spoke as one

And with a single thought, they were gone.

The earth's smell fills his nose,

Takes his breath away,

Makes him think of Tuesday night,

A day he felt desperate to connect with people.

Nothing could be as frightening

As interacting with people,

A perfect day becomes miserable

When you stand near judging people.

He tried to write a single world on paper,

Something about love and compassion,

Something about things he did not have anymore,

Something about not comparing himself to strangers,

Something about buying bread for tomorrow.

He felt a lot more stranger than he did yesterday,

A day frozen in time.

True enough,

He studies his breath with precision,

He realizes how his breath sounds like.

The sound of a breath, his mind agreed,

Soothing and quick vanishing air

That comes and goes

Without warning, move along,

Thunder roars in the skies,

That's a fact.

Working against time,

His mind studies the beauty of his breath,

Meaningless chatter to occupy the mind.

It's a matter of feeling uneasy

About the size of a town,

A place where one breath collides with another

Without a reason.

One breath, two gees in eggs,

Three people who live within brick walls,

Four sweet fennels make him queasy,

Five years it took for him to be found,

Six months he stood in a leaky boat,

Seven are the words of his name,

Fratley, a man made of failure.

Breathing on a cold window pane

In which he draws a shape with his fingers,

The shape of a heart in agony,

"Such a beautiful shape", he thought.

His mind studies the beauty of her body,

Her body covered in pale clouded yellows,

A picture of lady Dynamine

And her young sister Melonella,

A pair of Blue Morpho eyes,

And he was a plain tiger on bed

Watching a Great Spangled Fritillary

Dancing upon a yellow corn field.

He noticed something sad about the view,

No water, no birds, ruins of another country,

Visions of what could be real and what could be not,

Then, all of sudden, he forgot.

"Sadness can be seductive", he mumbles,

As he cried a thousand tears like a weeping willow.

When you think about breathing,

It's the only thing you can think about.

You almost feel like taking control of your breath

When you realize you've been breathing

Since day one, day two, day three

And it goes on to the present day,

Where you find yourself at home

Searching for the life you need to find

In order to get out of this mess

You've put yourself in.

He speaks these words like a mantra:

"You think, therefore you are.

You breathe, therefore you are, too.

You think about breathing in a certain way,

You are as well.

When your thoughts revolve around

One thing at time,

Or multiple things,

You are...

As in, something, or someone, Or both".

"There's a kind of comfort in knowing", he says,

"That, although we are all alone

In some regards, there are millions,

If not, thousands of other islands

In this vast ocean,

And we could just go there

As everything would still remain here

In some way".

Never thought I'd be betrayed

By someone who used to be a friend,

I took a nap and had

A sisyphean nightmare

Where I saw myself as a slave

Pulling a boulder upon a hill,

Slide and tumble,

Slide and stumble,

Rise and tumble,

Tumble and stumble.

I pretend to understand

What it means to be a man,

Hiding and scared, hiding and scared,

Can't you see I'm here talking?

Your name might be God

But it does not mean that much to me,

Slide and tumble,

Slide and stumble,

Mumble and stumble,

Rise and tumble.

I stared at your green fingers,

You told me it would be fine

To give up the hunt to settle

A new life on a hill, on a hill,

Survive, sleep, drink, die,

Perfect addictions of a narcotized life,

Slide and tumble,

Slide and stumble,

Rise and mumble,

Slide and crumble.

Yellow girls are running backwards

Towards a fountain in all its glory,

Transcending time and space

To somewhere mundane,

Two man in a park watching ducks

And feeding passersby,

Slide and tumble,

Mumble and stumble,

Rise and tumble,

Mumble and crumble.

It's so fun to live underground

Away from the noisy crowd,

No one speaks, no one talks

Within a place of healing

Where they respect you for what you are

And they always leave flowers in the ceiling,

Slide and tumble,

Slide and stumble,

Crumple and mumble,

Tumble and stumble.

"Listen, have you ever noticed how

The birds look sad when they're put

Inside of a cage?", she said.

"I haven't, but that's just the way

They pretend to look like whenever

They're put in a cage", I said.

"Then, we're all birds waiting

To be released outside the cages

We put ourselves in", she said.

"Well, I'd rather be inside

Of a warm cage than walk around

In the cold rain", I said.

"At least, I brought the umbrella

So we can appreciate the rain

In its ethereal beauty", she said.

"Indeed, I do love the smell of rain but

I wish I could go home to finish

Writing one of my books", I said.

"You know, you can leave it for later

Because we've got a whole afternoon

To spend here", she said.

"Okay, I suppose you're right,

But I'm not so sure where we are

Supposed to be right now", I said.

"We're at home, that's all that matters

At the moment and nothing else

Should interfere", she said.

"I can't believe millions were slaughtered

On these streets where people used

To greet me everyday", I said.

"Reality teaches us all we know,

Though there are days I feel like

Not knowing anything", she said.

"I understand, I also feel the same

On mindless days where I can be

Truly myself and no one else", I said.

"Ignorance is a bliss amidst disaster,

But it can also lead to disappointment

If you lose yourself in it", she said.

"See, everything is as it is meant to be

And science is never wrong because

Gravity never fails us", I said.

"Of course, I can tell gravity exists

By just watching the raindrops

Hit the floor", she said.

"The rain feels very light and thin

Compared to the heaviness

Of yesterday's sorrows", I said.

"I heard rumors about the disappearance of mist

And the lack of a desert breeze

That came from the northwest", she said.

"That's the place where Cleyra's trunk

Used to stand at before it was

Blown to oblivion", I said.

"I want to stay here but I feel like

Going somewhere where there becomes here

As we get there", she said.

"Everywhere feels so empty these days,

And I do miss the children even when

They were kind of annoying", I said.

"Speaking of children, I wonder

If we have to repopulate this country

All by ourselves", she said.

"Don't be silly! That would require

A lot more effort than what

We got on our own", I said.

No breathing, no hearing,

No movement, no thoughts,

No colors, no sight,

No scent, no smell,

I'm not leaving home tonight,

So quiet, so silent.

I saw a lovely flower

Growing in the yard,

It was quite a sight,

But then a wind blew by

And it swayed its petals away,

What a shame, how sad it was.

Another day goes by, all I do is cry.

I feel better, you feel stronger,

Sometimes I do really wonder

Why I find myself counting odd numbers,

I try to forget about the day we first met

Our souls within each other's stares.

My skin grew cold

As I have spent hundred years

Buried in the snow

Searching for your whereabouts

To prove they were wrong

About your sudden demise.

I know I tried,

But I could not have

The best of everything.

So many years away from home

And I could not care

If you never saw me as your friend.

I hope you are out there

And hear what I say:

I told you my weaknesses,

I never tried to hide them,

And I will forgive your indifference

As we move away from a life led by ignorance.

Who was it who offered us no mercy?

Who was it who attacked us with such ease?

Who was it who called us subhuman filth?

Who was it who helped spread the disease?

Who was it who silenced our voices in the middle of the night?

Who was it who looked after us while in fright?

Who was it who forged our country's identity?

Who was it who sold our tails to the rich?

Who was it who waged wars against them before?

Who was it who denied progress and closed its doors?

How much suffering is left for us to endure

When our homeland offers no shelter

And there are no more apples to consume?

How our very heroes falter

When their brave hearts beat in stillness and sorrow.

Late at night, Silence remains in the streets,

What use is there to bite the hand that feeds

When there is nothing else you can borrow?

All there is see is but ruins

And we have paid for our father's sins.

Who was it who claimed this land to be ours?

Who was it who brought us knowledge and pain?

Who was it who butchered each of our limbs?

Who was it who killed Burmecia and stole its pride?

Who was it who cut my tongue so I can no longer speak?

Who was it who covered their children with flowers?

Who was it who took away our lives in disdain?

Who was it who judged us by our skins?

Who was it who lost everything but their sight?

Who was it who told us to turn the other cheek?

You hide yourself away in shame

Under the relentless quicksand,

It grabs your soul as you vanish to a better world

That lies somewhere between here and there

And you come to think: "Is this the sort of thing

One of my ancestors had to go through

In order to prove himself to others

After he left without saying a word?"

All these questions remain while you've been stuck in here for days,

The underground isn't your home, how come you sank so low?

"If everyone's here, then why do I still feel alone?", you say.

"It makes no sense, and to be fair, I don't think it ever did.

A feeling that comes and goes like high tides and fierce hurricanes...

It's just me who's complaining about something no one needs an explanation for".

If there is no gold buried under the sun

That offers heat in the ground above,

Then what else should be done?

Dig any further and you may find

Not a reward, but your own grave

Waiting for your own body.

Don't want to be upset,

Don't want to be filled with dread,

Don't want to be a child,

Don't want to shed a smile.

Don't want to forget my address,

Don't want to take her dress,

Don't want to go outside,

Don't want to sleep tonight,

Don't want to sing when it's raining,

Don't want to know my heart is aching.

Don't want to be tied into any chains,

Don't want to feel any weight on my breath,

Don't want to abandon my flesh,

Don't want to disappoint myself,

Don't want to move away to somewhere else,

Don't want to wait for your visit in a few days.

Don't want to scream and shout,

Don't want to be harsh and loud,

Don't want to grow delusions,

Don't want to crawl beneath the mirror,

Don't want to hide my perversions,

Don't want to drink any liquor,

Don't want to be ashamed whenever I think about you,

Don't want to whisper my name if I have no one to talk to.

Don't want to cry when you're not here,

Don't want to fall for your deceit,

Don't want to be filled with greed,

Don't want to hurt someone I don't know,

Don't want to run away in fear,

Don't want to see you devoured by the limbo.

Don't want to commit any mistakes,

Don't want to face any stakes,

Don't want to comment about my obsessions,

Don't want to understand your pain,

Don't want to give the wrong impressions,

Don't want to lie to myself again.

Don't want to tell the truth,

Don't want to keep the same attitude

Don't want to act like a fool,

Don't want to fall in love, it's so uncool.

Don't want to miss my way,

Don't want to lose my faith,

Don't want to touch the flame,

Don't want to stay the same,

Don't want to crave disaster,

Don't want to stare at the sun,

Don't want to rest on the grave,

Don't want to look back in anger,

Don't want to fall into the abyss,

Don't want to long for someone I dearly miss,

Don't want to say "I want you darling" to no one,

Don't want to spend the last night on earth all alone,

Don't want to say goodbye for those who are yet to be gone,

Don't want to question whether I'm a boy or a girl, it shouldn't matter anyway.

"Without her I am not whole", I say,

Standing on top of the world,

No one but me to watch the final sunset

Of a pitiful day I wish I could forget.

I can stand on my own without Freya's aid,

Yet I miss her so dearly despite knowing

I'll be back home as a better man.

Whoever brought you here and now,

Nobody gives an answer, nobody ever does.

In my silence, I find one of the few truths in life

Is that, not matter how loud is your shout,

It isn't as loud as the fall from grace,

The madness, the thoughtfulness

Of a man whose worst enemy is himself.

So God forgive Burmecia and all the wretched souls

Who were never born in a land filled with pain and remorse.

Immerse your soul in love, feel happiness,

And for every breath of mine that breaks a sound,

I ask "Whose sorrow is that hanging on the wall?";

Then I look around and I see no barriers left.

Below me I find the silhouette of a traveller in a mountain range,

Maybe he knows I'm here, maybe he doesn't,

But if there's one thing that remains true

Is that all of the Burmecians who are yet to be forgiven

Know, since birth, that consciousness is the seed of contradiction.

We were born in a world full of deception,

A world where the murderer has more right than the victim,

And for centuries we endured much suffering

Until our very history ceased to exist

As a result of years of fragility and isolation

Which led to our complete annihilation.

From here, I see the wealth blaming the needed for their condition,

So many birds in search of a cage to avoid the low sun

Whose heat permeates through every solid matter.

I see many souls who oppose the kingdom come as dictated by a few,

Sisters slaying her brothers and mothers slaying her sons,

But soon we'll become nothing, we may as well become one.

We don't know, we should try to be pursuing life instead of death

Because when we die, it's over, but life always continues

And if we may exist for a few more centuries,

What's worth living in a world that preaches entropy,

Humiliation and the hunger of those that live in agony?

So God forgive Burmecia and every life we ruined on this mortal plane,

The universal emptiness that resides within the flesh

Glows like the funeral pyre of a hundred men.

I'm not ready for the final sacrifice despite my strength at home

Not being enough to suffice, but I see that I'm not alone

In my doubts, they can be shared to someone who will understand

The kind of pain we inflicted on others and as well as in ourselves.